Roy Cohn’s 26 Rules on How to be Just Like Trump (The Greatest Person Ever)!
Tags: Roy Cohn, Trump Administration, Trump

Roy Cohn’s 26 Rules on How to be Just Like Trump (The Greatest Person Ever)! henrydaas Aug 6, 2020·10 min read

Hi everybody,

Roy Cohn here. I know what you’re thinking. I’m dead. Well, there’s dead and there’s DEAD. And I’m neither but yes, my body is gone. Sad, I had a great body. Best body ever! So, I’m stuck using this numb-nuts Henry to translate all my incredible wisdom. Poor kid has none of the traits I’m about to describe. Too bad, I had high hopes but he’s just an empty vessel. Never be President. Sad.

For those who don’t know my story, SHAME ON YOU! It’s on HBO! So, all you cheap ass cord cutters or whatever need to sign up for HBO Go, or Max, or whatever the hell they’re calling it this week. You didn’t think we got HBO here where I find myself in the afterlife? Well, we do. So suck on that. Plus Facebook, that silly Twitter thing, and Amazon, if you can believe but there’s so many porch pirates, don’t even get me started. Rumor has it that other place only has books and Mister Roger’s reruns. What a dump!

I was born in the Bronx in 1927 exactly 15 days before this dip shit Henry’s mom if you can believe. Heard she’s was nice lady. Too bad she’s stuck in that other place for eternity reading Orwell and watching The Golden Girls. Get a life! Or death. Get something!

I was a lawyer. Some might know me because I railroaded the Rosenbergs to the electric chair back in the day. Julius was guilty as sin, Ethel, well, you lay with dogs, you get fleas. Funny, I don’t see them around here. Then I worked for that guy McCarthy. That douchebag I just can’t get rid of! Follows me everywhere. People are starting to talk. He’s dumb as an Xbox of hair, couldn’t poor piss from a boot if the instructions was written on the heel! I gave that line to LBJ, I swear. Look it up.

People said I was gay but that wasn’t true. Not a word of it!I just liked having sex with guys. I was a gentleman and gentlemen prefer blonds. That doesn’t make me gay, just human. I ain’t no pixie. And I got AIDS from a toilet seat.

But enough about me! How do you like what you read so far? Pretty great, no? That kid Henry’s a hell of a writer so long as I hand him everything on a silver platter. What a sap! Anywho, let’s get on with it ’cause I’m not getting any younger!

One thing them HBO folks conveniently forgot to mention is I ran a super-secret program called the Roy Cohn School for Wayward Boys and Girls and other Genders. Sometimes known as RCSWBGG. You know, to teach them how to be super successful like me! Although I died disbarred, disgraced, and penniless. You won’t care! You’re dead…

Your boy, Don Don, he was my prize pupil. Number one in his class! It was a class of one but still, pretty great accomplishment don’t you think? He aced every course I ever taught him. I would release his transcript but I don’t want get sued although I’d have NO problem finding me a lawyer in this place. Still, you don’t want to see the inside of a courtroom, not at my age. So many blonds, so much time…

So, I thought I’d channel my rules for life. You know, so you can stop sucking so bad and be an incredible success like my boy, Donny. He makes me so proud! I’m kvelling! You can thank me later. So, let’s get on with it already…

Rule #1 — Never EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER admit you’re wrong. You know why? Because you’re always right! DUH! Even if you say something incredibly stupid like, I don’t know, gargle with bleach to kill some germ, don’t matter. You were right ’cause if some idiot actually did that, he’d die and then the germs would die too. See what I mean? It’s easy and you was right all along. If people are still too stupid to understand, use a Sharpie. Which brings me to…

Rule #2 — Never EVER EVER EVER EVER doubt you own abilities. Everyone else is an imbecile, you are the smartest, biglyest, guy or gal and you see and know everything that’s good and perfect and great and everyone else uses Clorox for mouthwash and is dumb.

Rule #3 — ALWAYS give powerful people shit about stuff you do yourself. Because you’re great and they’re dickheads. Hammer that Obama character about his playing golf. He sucks at it and he’s the President and he should be working. But it’s okay for you to play every 4.6 days. Because you’re the President and Presidents can do what they want so long as the President is you. And you always shoot 69. No more. No less. These rules are so easy even a Senator can follow them!

Rule #4 — Never pay anybody for anything. You don’t get rich by using your own money. DUH. That’s a sucker game. I mean, you spend your money, then it’s gone. Can’t have that, that’s just stupid. Let other people spend their money just make sure it always benefits you. Speaking of…

Rule #5 — Never pay taxes. My old pal Leona said it best, “Taxes are for little people.” And by little people, I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean folks with a congenital affectation rendering them short of stature. She meant LITTLE people. You know, everybody except you.

Rule #6 — Always ask yourself one simple question — “What’s in it for me?” Do I really need to explain this any further? C’mon!

Rule #7 — You like people who like you. People says nice things about you, enjoy it because you deserve it. They criticize, USE EVERYTHING AT YOU DISPOSABLE TO ANNIHILATE THEM! But don’t forget…

Rule #8 — Friends are just enemies you’re temporarily fond of. Or you tolerate before you wring every useful shred from them and throw their pathetic carcass on the slag heap. Just make sure they sign an NDA beforehand.

Rule #9 — Your dick is your business. Wherever it ends up, it was SUPPOSED to be there. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If you don’t have a dick, always know you have my pity. Which reminds me…

Rule #10 — If a woman is fat or ugly, tell her! No use letting her go through life thinking she’s anything but a sack of meat to be used and abused by some guy. Or another gal. Think of it as a public service. Same goes for guys except if they have a lot of money in which case, attack their masculinity or a body part. Whatever it is, don’t let anyone think they’re on your level. Because they’re not and could never be. Kill their dreams, Dreamkiller!

Rule #11 — You’re 6' 3" and 230 pounds of pure muscle no matter what you are. If you stand next to someone who looks taller but actually says he’s shorter, assume they are living a paranoid delusion. Humor them and then confiscate every camera within a ten block radius.

Rule #12 — If ever called upon to speak publicly or be interviewed, just spout off whatever garbage comes into your head. Nobody listens and fact checks so just have fun with it. Sputter out incoherent nonsense and let them press people figure out what it all means. I mean, it’s THEIR job! Do you have to do everything?! I think not.

Rule #13 — Which reminds me and this is next level stuff. This bit takes like eight years to learn and cost six million dollars extra at the Roy Cohn School for Wayward Boys and Girls and other Genders. Often referred to as RCSWBGG. NEVER take responsibility for anything! Except if it’s a GOOD thing then accept everyone’s gratitude and admiration and all the credit even if you had bupkus to do with it. If later, something BAD happens to the good thing, pretend whatever you said before NEVER happened. It was just a figment of all those dumb idiots stunted imaginations. Unless that bad thing becomes a good thing again then forget everything else and take all the credit. Again. I told you this was advanced stuff!

Rule #14 — Same as Rule #13 except with people. If you say somebody said something and you liked it and it turned it out was stupid or something, just pretend you didn’t know them at all. Same goes for people you knew your whole life who turn out to be rat bastards which you knew all along. Just say they only became that way after you decided to have nothing to do with them and they fell apart. Trust me, works every time.

Rule #15 — Also, with people, and this is important, ALWAYS diminish the super accomplished and well-respected as early and often as you can. I mean, who do they think they are, YOU? NFW. Easiest way is to just lump them in with everyone else so they don’t stand out. For example, if say someone asks you about a recently deceased congressman who just happened to be one of the iconic figures of oh, I don’t know, the 1960s civil rights movement and a voice for change representing millions of oppressed citizens, just remind people guys like that are a dime, a dozen. Not even two bits. 10 cents! Chicken feed. Nothing special. Just one of a bunch of guys who did stuff that nobody remembers and even cares about anymore. Pretty much a nobody. Certainly, not up to your level because you’ve done more for them poor pathetic wretches of humanity than anyone, EVEN that guy with the silly beard.

Rule #16 — No slight can go unpunished. None. Zero. There’s no such thing as ‘too petty.’ Get it printed on a t-shirt, wear it to bed.

Rule #17 — This is a tricky one. Some people might actually have some legitimate, let’s say, dirt on you. You know, like maybe a video of you gettin’ peed on. Hey, don’t knock it ‘till you tried it! Or maybe money you owe or some corners you cut. Petty fraud. You know, they know where them bodies is buried, if you catch my drift (wink, wink). So, every once in a while, throw them a bone. Tell them, “I wish you well” or something like that, you know, a coded message that lets them know you got their back. And to keep their fucking suck hole zippered or you will stab them in it. Repeatedly.

Rule #18 — If Rule #17 is Russian, be nice. That’s it. Be nice and do what he says. He say jump, you jump asshole.

Rule #19 — If someone writes a book about you, say everything is a lie. If YOU write a book about you, make sure everything is a lie but say every word is true. This one is so easy even a Democrat can follow!

Rule #20 — When in doubt, sue. Even when not in doubt.

Rule #21 — People don’t always know you’re the greatest person to ever draw breath. I know, hard to believe. Tell them over and over. Talk about how everything is great, perfect, couldn’t be better even if it’s hell in a hand basket. Remember Rule #1! To be belts and braces (hey, I’m a lawyer, remember), make sure to surround yourself with the worst and the dumbest and the most corrupt people you can find. It helps illuminate your majesty. You know, the ones soon to join me here. Those folks. Have them swear everlasting fealty and when they stray, which they will, fire their ass and make sure they do hard time. Dangle a pardon if you have to. Or both.

Rule #22 — Always remember, there’s no such thing as too racist.

Rule #23 — On that note, white people love graduates of the Roy Cohn School for Wayward Boys and Girls and other Genders. Also known as RCSWBGG. Sometimes these people do silly things when they’re below the Mason-Dixon line. Remind the world they’re good people. Remember, they think just like you. They think they’re better than everyone else. But they ain’t better than YOU. Not on their life.

Rule #24 — Not sure why you would want to do this but if you wanna grab a pussy, just grab a pussy. What’s the big deal?

Rule #25 — Take comfort in knowing the rules of ordinary society do not EVER apply to you. You can’t be indicted, held accountable, sent up the river, whatever. You are the river! You do what you want, whenever you want and everyone else can go fuck all. You are your own DOMAIN, everyone else is just a wretched piece of a soon to be extinct SPECIES. One day when people clone their babies, they will all want your DNA because it’s the bestest DNA there ever was.

Rule #26 — Finally, never read. Only idiots read. Blah, blah, blah. Just watch TV. All the time. Every chance you get. Watch yourself. It’s fun! Twitter about this shit you watch even though you don’t understand any of it. Don’t matter. Critical thinking is overrated. Don’t sleep. Sleep is for wimps. Here in Hell, we never sleep. I only get to watch one channel. No fighting over the remote. You might be able to guess which one. Absolute Paradise …

So, with that I bid you adieu. I hope you enjoyed my rules for life. Actually, I don’t really give a shit. Use them in good health. One last thought, in case I have a senior moment. If you’re planning to vote for anyone other than my bestie, The Donald, come November, stay home. Don’t even mail it in. Don’t go anywhere near a Post Office. Too many germs, you ninny! No, for your own safety and those you love or just keep around, sit this one out. There will be other elections. I promise. Why would I lie!

In case you didn’t hear, there’s a PANDEMIC for crying out loud! You don’t want to end up like me…

XOXOXOXO

RC