Look Out World! I’m 40 In The Streets, But 80 In The Sheets
By: Kylie Craft
Tags: Humor, Satire, Aging, Parenting, Middle Age

Humor

Look Out World! I’m 40 In The Streets, But 80 In The Sheets

My battle against aging using little to no dignity

Photo by Jayson Hinrichsen on Unsplash

I am 41 years old, according to what my mother says and my birth certificate calculates. Although I am aging faster than I would desire, and no matter what my children say, I still feel like a young twenty five year old in my mind. I’m nowhere near an uncool, elderly lady as my children seem to perceive me.

I have the twisted, perverse sense of humor comparable only to a twelve year old boy. I try to dab, much to my children’s dismay, and I can rap the majority of the lyrics to almost any 90’s rap song. Correctly! For the most part.

My noisy, bone crackling body knows that I am older, but my feisty, immature spirit does not. I still enjoy being extremely childish, going out with my friends, and being flirted with. I also enjoy coffee, spending time with my husband, spending time with my parents and watching Jeopardy. You have probably guessed by now that I’m stuck in the middle of middle age. It’s the terrible forties.

I know my kids wish I would just take up knitting or cross-stitch and sit my ass down, but I have no plans on slowing down anytime soon. Age is just a number, except as defined by our legal system, obviously. And I feel great at forty one!

My mind is still as immature as ever and my body is approximately the age of 80 due to many years of hard living and a chronic disease that has given me arthritis and affected my eyes. I am also now dealing with a thyroid issue which affects so many different parts of your body including your mind. I just recently found this out. It made me irrational and moody. My memory was shot. I am still trying to regulate this while also being my true self who is not an old, feeble person.

Sure, Misdemeanor Monday isn’t as easy as Taco Tuesday for this old gal anymore. I no longer go out for my nights out at 9:00. Instead, that is the time I come stumbling in the door. It just makes more sense financially to drink with the other elders at happy hour.

Furthermore, I can no longer go out during a weekday or else I’ll miss work for a few days after drinking. When I do go out with friends or my husband, we are usually home by 9:30 PM.

I remember thinking, when I was younger, that I would not end up like the other old people and become a lame party pooper at thirty five years old.

Little did I know then that older people do that for a reason. At this point in our lives, we have been through so much bull crap, we just want peace. A quiet night alone with someone you love is perfection. Especially, after a decade or more of bullshit. We deserve peace and early bedtimes at this juncture of our lives.

Still. Should I decide to stay out late to partake in full price drinks, I assure you I can still hold my own among the youth. I might look like a librarian, but I speak like Samuel Jackson and have more street cred than most any youngster running around a bar.

I can also twerk, although I am not very good at it yet. My goal is to qualify for the semi-annual twerk off at the local truck stop later this year. Fingers crossed. My kids will be thrilled.