You Don’t Have to Be a Jerk to Attract Women
By: Colin Zhang
Tags: Dating Advice, Self Confidence, Women, Relationships, Confidence

I know better than to ever beg for women’s attention and affection.

But it’s funny how life works. You never know who you truly are until the moment arrives.

A few days ago, I left a cup of fruit tea at her door attached with a smiley face sticker. Apologizing for a joke I made a couple of days prior. I told her I’d get back to her once I’m free.

Her: “You don’t need to.”

Me: “Haha, does that mean never to text you again?”

Her: “Why do you always need to talk. Do your thing and I’ll do mine.”

If my heart were ever to get squeezed by another person, it would feel like this. The worse part wasn’t rejection, but how much dignity I was willing to drop for someone that I wasn’t even dating. I thought I knew how to behave around women, but apparently, not in front of 9’s and 10’s.

Yes, I was being that ‘nice guy.’ That needy pushover who put beautiful women on a pedestal. Trying to exchange my kindness for attraction in return. A big no-no.

Still, I find the ‘nice guy’ stigma to be unfair. Women don’t actually love people who mistreat them. They want respect.

For all the fellas who are convinced that you have to be an asshole or ‘bad boy’ to attract women, you don’t. Be a nice person if that’s who you genuinely are. Just don’t forget to put yourself first.

But before we dive into the nice guy stuff, let’s take a look at the primary qualities women seek in men.

Women look at both internal value and external value

Women perceive men on two levels. Your societal value, meaning your wealth, looks, power-your status in society. Then your inner value, which is the internal belief you hold about yourself. She measures you by the total of these two scores.

Internal value tends to trump external value because women are wired to seek the most survival fit—someone who shows the potential to provide and protect. Not necessarily the one who’s already abundant with resources.

And self-confidence is the biggest sign of potential. It signals that you have the courage to go after what you need — easy or challenging.

What women truly respond to is the combination of high self-regard+respect

Do lots of women flock to jerks? Yes.

Selfish men display many masculine behaviors, such as putting themselves first. Independence. Carefreeness.

What do most men do? Read books and listen to podcasts about how to become an alpha male. Inhabiting these charismatic traits and manipulative tactics to lure women.

But if you truly understand females, or human beings, period. You’ll notice that no one prefers mistreatment. Sure, young girls who have yet to establish a strong sense of self-esteem, and women who have suffered from daddy issues favor emotionally unavailable men.

But in general, women want to be respected. They love being appreciated, validated, even chased — but only from guys who already have value.

The true ladies' men are the ones who understand how to make women feel good about themselves.

So the goal isn’t to step on women and make them feel inferior. Only con artists do that.

True men protect their self-worth. They balance giving and receiving. Suppose they take a girl out and pay for dinner. There’s no shame in having the girl pay for the movies because they understand the importance of not overbending themselves in a mutual, healthy relationship.

It’s only when a man respects himself that his respect for women means anything.

Nice guys can be attractive if that’s genuinely who you are

The problem with being a nice guy isn’t being nice in itself. But whether the niceness is genuine or a plead for affection.

Usually, they aren’t really nice at heart. And women detect it with ease. Playing nice is merely a way for an unconfident person to maneuver through the world. It happens to both men and women.

But sometimes, real kindness can be misinterpreted as people-pleasing. It’s one thing to make your girlfriend laugh when she’s having a bad day. But it’s weak to apologize with flowers at her door when she simply hasn’t responded to your texts.

Intention makes all the difference. Are you trying to impress or please with your generosity? Or are you doing it to make her happy because you enjoy seeing her smile?

If you have no value as a person, whatever you give her is valueless as well.

When you drive a party bus, women will naturally want to jump on

Self-confidence is intoxicating to women. And that’s the biggest ingredient missing in a so-called nice guy.

Instead of giving yourself away for women’s love, work on yourself.

What I learned about myself last week was that my neediness came from two places. One, I lacked confidence. Two, I didn’t have a life of my own. I was dependent on someone else to brighten up my life.

So it’s crucial to build your own life with friends and hobbies and careers. As a high-value man, your life should be occupied so much that, with or without a partner, you’ll be just fine.

You don’t need to learn strategies to combat women

There’re so many techniques on how to talk to women. They should be taken with a grain of salt. Learning more about the opposite sex is a must, but then every individual is different.

What’s more important is that, by focusing on what women are thinking, and learning how to respond to their tests and emotional swings, you're putting them in the driver’s seat. Allowing them to lead you instead of the other way around.

Draw her into your world. Direct the conversations. Women need to feel emotionally stimulated, which means you shouldn’t stick to the script. If she’s asking what you like doing in your free time, say you love farting. Instead of giving the plain dull straight answer — that nice guys tend to do.

Truly high-value men aren’t concerned about women’s opinions of them. They remain who they are and do what they do. If anything, they let women be the ones who do the wondering. While they remain mysterious. Nice guys give their power away too easily.

Mind games can only give you an edge at the most. It doesn’t change someone's perception of you. If anything, it can backfire. Faking to be confident in the beginning makes you worry about being exposed.

So you can pretend as if you don’t care all you want. The loser in the relationship isn’t the one who confessed too much or too early but the one who’s too afraid to reveal their true feelings.

There’s no need to put so much energy and time into girls. Invest in yourself first, and everything else will take care of itself.

Allow women to go and more of them will come

Falling for a woman is like stepping into the mud. The more you like them, the steeper your foot. It sometimes gets to the point of not being able to pull yourself back out.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from this experience, it’s that you have to be able to let go regardless of how much you like someone. She could be Selena Gomez, and you’re madly in love. So what?

If you’re married with children and years of deep emotional connections, that’s different. But in general, drowning in the hands of one person isn’t necessary.

What makes ‘bad boys’ so attractive is their take-of-or-leave-it mindset and the willingness to walk away from someone at any moment. It’s an abundant and confident attitude. They know they have options.

Even if they have to be alone, they’ll be just fine. Again, it goes back to one of the previous points. Develop emotional strength to tolerate loneliness.

There are too many jerks out there, stand out and be a nice guy, a confident one though

As long as you aren’t desperate and putting yourself beneath the girl you like, you can be whoever you want.

If you reverse the thinking, assholes who lack confidence in front of a girl are just as helpless. So it’s not about being nice or rude.

It all comes down to how much you value yourself as a man, as a human being. Put your life first. Women should never be your first priority in life unless she’s your wife, maybe.