Little Mexico, a Tourist Guide to The Real Philippines.
By: Robert Turner
Tags: Backpacking, Philippines, Travel Tips, Travel, Lighterside

Little Mexico, a Tourist Guide to The Real Philippines.

A LighterSide guide to fun in the Philippines

Image courtesy of Unsplash

So you’re thinking about adding the Philippines to your list of Asian holiday destinations? Great decision. This article will give you the low down on local life you might not glean from normal travel guides. After all, how could they possibly know?

Holidaymakers expecting to sample Asia in the Philippines are in for a shock. Yes, the scenery is Asian, the rice fields and palm trees are all strategically placed alongside stunning beaches and do create the impression you’re in Asia, but it’s just clever window-dressing..

The truth is, that whilst enroute here, your plane was diverted and you will shocked to find you’ve landed in the middle of Latin America. Mexico would probably be my closest bet.

Wake up to lazy little villages basking in the sun and locals enjoying siestas in hammocks, sombreros shading their eyes against the midday heat.

Enjoy fun filled evenings with dancing, singing, laughing, smiling and genuinely happy local revellers, only to keen to share their local poison and meager snacks with you.

Throw in the the local Tagalog language, peppered with Spanish and the illusion is complete, right down to the ever popular village fiestas which can carry on for days.

Even weddings and funerals are stretched out for days to maximise the eating, drinking and dancing, all to the accompaniement of more singing.

You have just entered the Latin American heart of Asia. Welcome to the Philippines, or ‘Little Mexico’ where it really is more fun, the girls really are as pretty as they say and yes, the local grog will kill a mule, so imbibe with caution.

Foiled by foil, Filipino style.

Now that we’ve dealt with the culture shock, let’s get back to those essential survival tips crucial to the avid backpakers and holidaymakers who steer clear of resorts and favour roads less travelled.

Pack a knife, scissor, blowtorch or some form of cutting tool. You’re going to need it and if you’re stopped at customs on your journey here, simply explain you’re on your way to the Philippines. They’ll wave you through with a knowing smile.

Most preserved foodstuffs in the Philippines are wrapped in plastic or foil or both. Careful instructions, arrows and even the occasional indentation on the packaging will indicate where to tear to open. Best of luck.

In a culture that doesn’t use knives I often wonder how locals manage to access the contents of the seven million packaged products on offer.

No amount of pulling, biting, ripping, wrestling or even jumping will induce the sealed foil to give way to allow you access to the yummy cholesterol laden goodies inside.

It’s the foil from hell, Chuck Norris proof packaging capable of surviving a nuclear blast and it will at some point reduce you to tears. Eventually, after having exhuasted yourself, you will turn in search of a knife… Guess what?

If you’re vegan, prepare for a relatively difficult time finding food here. Chicken and pork permeate almost all the prepared dishes on offer, followed by fish in every imagineable guise. For the carnivorous holidaymakers, welcome to paradise.

Hey waiter, there’s a chicken in my egg

Food is cheap, abundant and yummy. You can sample anything from fried chicken to grilled pork, duck, goat and fish without having to leave the sidewalk. If you’re a little squeamish beware, as nothing goes to waste here, leading to some interesting dishes for the brave of heart to sample.

A favourite dish here is Balut. It is an egg that looks like an egg, but has a surprise inside. A fully grown chick ready to hatch awaits those brave enough to bite into it. Me, I love chicken and I love eggs. I don’t see the need to combine them. Best to rub your tummy and say ‘Salamat. Busog.’ Thanks I’m full.

Filipinos love to eat. Really love it and possibly the only activity they enjoy more is taking photos of their food to post on Facebook. Restuarants are abundant as are food chains such as McDonalds and Jollibee.

My advice is to avoid these, try the smaller local eateries and street vendors if you want to sample the good stuff.

On the subject of social media, every Filipino has Facebook. You can spot their accounts by the multitude of selfies and, you guessed it, photos of food. Having Facebook is a must here, especially if you intend to extend your circle of friends.

WhatsApp and other networking platforms are only just starting to gain traction in the market and most locals will look at you in confusion if you mention these.

Data is cheap, around $2 for 2 gigabyte and you can pick up a free sim on arrival at the airport. Opt for Globe or Smart or both if your phone supports dual SIMS.

Calls are expensive, but bundled packages will offer data and free text messaging, with of course, free Facebook and Messenger.

Be prepared for Arctic conditions

Once you’re plane has landed, the inevitable bus journey will ensue. It’s time to get out your jumper and blanket. What’s that? You didn’t pack any as the Philippines is tropical? Ha, perpare to freeze.

It’s easy finding the bus terminals. Just look for a line of shivering penguins, rapidly moving in the opposite direction in search of somewhere to thaw. Buses come in two varieties here. The luxury air conditioned version or the cheaper, find an open window version.

My advice is to forgo the comfort and opt for one of these. If you’re after comfort, prepare to freeze. The very pleasant waft of cold air that greets you on entering the bus very soon turns polar.

Set to maximum and unavoidable, no matter where you sit, gale force streams of frozen air are expelled from every possible point on the bus, all directed at your seat.

In less than a minute, pleasantly cool becomes frozen and not long after departure you can hear the new arrivals from the sound of their chattering teeth. The locals are fine, they have come prepared.

Blankets, jumpers and fleece lined jackets surround you and you will be forgiven for wondering if the smiles you’re being showered with are ones of pity.

The t shirt and shorts suddenly don’t seem like such a bright idea. Consider yourself fore warned.

On to language. Most of the locals can get by with a little broken English. Speak slowly and clearly and about fifty percent of them will at least attempt a response.

Filipinos are incredibly friendly, warm and welcoming and love foreigners, so they are always going to try to help you. Even if they haven’t a clue what you’ve just asked them.

If your looking for an item in a shop, carry on looking. Resist the temptation to ask staff, who will almost always shake their hand slightly, and utter a single word, ‘Wala’. This means nothing, no, finished, dont have, etc and is used all the time.

The product you are looking for is in most instances right behind you, they simply didn’t understand the question and this phrase supplies an instant escape from a discussion they would far rather avoid.

You’ll soon hear the all too popular phrase, nosebleed, indicsting the speaker is suffering a mental meltdown trying to remember the correct English word or phrase.

Most of this is actually a direct result of the Filipino being incredibly shy. Get them drunk and suddenly they are able to converse using the Queen’s English.

Asking for directions is of course fraught with danger in a country where someone would rather try and help than acknowledge they haven’t a clue.

A tendency to use their right hand to signal left or vice versa doesn’t help. Preare to get spectacularly lost if you haven’t packed your handy GPS or smart phone.

Getting lost here though is one of the most enjoyable things to do in the Philippines and definitely the best way to discover all the hidden treasures the country has to offer.

Safety is never an issue. I have lived here for three years now and never once felt uncomfortable or threatened in any way.

Of course this does not apply to big cities, the likes of Manila and Cebu, where the back alleys and side streets can and often do harbour an unpleasant element keen on separating you from your worldly possessions.

Treat these large sprawling masses as you would any large city anywhere in the world. That is to say, steer clear if at all possible.

Go rural and you’re good. Particularly in remote areas, where the sight of a foreign face is still a rarity. Your pointy nose will be welcomed with open arms, families will embrace you like a long lost relative and the small groups of men drinking away the day will wave you over to join them. You’ll here the phrase ‘Inom tayo’ all the time. It means, let’s drink.

I did mention earlier the dangers of drinking the local alcohol, which although quite palatable, contains a large unpleasant horse which will kick you repeatedly in the head the following morning.

Stick to the Redhorse if you can. It’s a strong, very pleasant local beer without the nasty side effects of Ginebra, the local gin or Emperidor, a brandy of questionable, though palatable origins.

These two drinks are enjoyed neat, in a shot glass passed around the table and it’s very rarely just one bottle, especially with new foreign friends in attendance. Inom tayo.

There are numerous Filipino phrases you will find incredibly useful, but that’s for another post. Don’t learn the local dialects as they aren’t understood beyond the boundary of their areas, stick to Tagalog, which is pretty much understood and spoken across the islands.

It’s not an easy language to master as the structure doesn’t follow Western syntax, but a few simple phrases will help you no end and go a long way to enduring you to your hosts. Do make the effort.