Courtesy and response to transmen Chapter 2.
Tags: Trans Man, Gay, Gender Identity, Transphobia, Transgender

Continued from Chapter One.

The Introduction and Chapter One is at this link. https://edwardsebesta.medium.com/anti-gay-attacks-by-transmen-and-their-allies-cb84729065ae

You will meet transgender people in daily life. I find that there is behavior that is needlessly annoying or offensive to transgender people.

In one aspect they are fairly radically committed to being who they are. They do expand the envelop for individuality.

So I guess the first thing is that transgender persons don’t need to hear is your possible feelings of horror or fear or angst over surgery involved with genitals. I am sure they have likely heard these things expressed many, many times and it is likely tiresome and worse annoying. What does it contribute to anything? No one is planning on kidnapping you and doing surgery. It is alright to be aware that you have feelings about this type of surgery and suppressing awareness that you might have these strong feelings is not good either, because then you won’t process them. It would be good to process these fears since they are likely being evident in how you express yourself or deal with transgender. In short grow up.

Second, use the pronoun they want to be used. Is it going to kill you to do this? They have very likely invested a lot into their gender identity. Maybe you don’t agree with the current gender theories or maybe you are opposed, or maybe you are confused, or maybe you aren’t really that much aware of these theories, or maybe you have no interest. So what? It is irrelevant. Just use the pronouns. Not using the pronoun is a challenge to that person’s identity. The question has to be why you are looking for a conflict. Please don’t say you are standing up for principles or something, they aren’t forcing gender assignments on people.

Third, do you really need to discuss your opinions about trans people and the issues involved? Often a trans person has made some choices about treatments and surgery in the realization of their gender identity. In some ways there is no going back. The tissue that was removed, might be replaced, but the original tissue is not re-implantable. Do you really want to be arguing with this person that they made a mistake? How well do you think that will go? Finally, I think likely that the trans person has heard everything you can possible think to say, and more, a 100 times at least.

Yes, transgender is in the news, and you now have a transgender person to talk to, and that might be interesting, but think about whether this person wants to be a transgender public information service or not. You can Google and get a variety of opinions and give this transgender person a break.

So if you are at a symposium on quantum mechanics or harpsichord music or fractal geometry or algebraic groups why not focus on these topics or other equally exciting topics. This transgender person might be able to explain some interesting topic and it will be a worthwhile conversation.

However, if the transgender person does wants to talk to you about transgender issues just listen and kept your thoughts to yourself. The person has a need to express some thoughts and listening really all you need to do. If it is a relative or someone close you might want to have a discussion, but if it is someone you are just meeting or someone you casually know, avoid discussing issues for the reasons previously mentioned.

Forth, avoid challenging their gender identities. Think of what in your conversation challenges their gender identities. Saying things like “real” this or “real” that makes them “unreal.” Ask them what is the terminology to be used.

One argument that I think might come up is that they are transmen because we live in a society that is sexist and men are dominate and they are changing because of this. Maybe some are, or it might be a component for some. However, I think it is likely that in any society there are probably some who want to change gender from female to male. We really don’t know. What I would resent here is opportunistic exploitation of the issue of sexism to make your opposition to transmen seem justified. I remember when I was in a student group back in the 1970s some gay guys thought to pose their hostility to drag queens as some feminist thing. The real issue is that they felt embarrased by drag queens or they were uncomfortable. I am not rejecting any feminist arguments against transmen either. What I am rejecting is opportunisticly using feminism to oppose transmen.

Now in some cases the transgender might have sexual or romantic interests in you. If you are interested also then fine. Hope things go well. However, if you aren’t interested, be careful, graceful, and considerate how you turn down or seperate from this person’s interest in you. Don’t engage in any explanation as to why, and certainly no explanation regarding them as being transgender or not being a “real” this or that. You will get drawn into all the issues which up to now you have avoided.

Also, getting turned down by someone is always a little painful, you don’t need to throw into it a rejection of their gender identity.

The attraction of one person to another is a very personal thing and is a matter of individual taste. Just say that you don’t feel it and that is all you have to say. If pressed, you can say you aren’t obligated to explain your feelings, which you aren’t.

In a broader sense my series of essays isn’t to engage in a war with transmen or transgender. The purpose of these essays is to not have a war with transgender, minimize conflict, and also to defend against attacks. If you are looking to wage some war go somewhere elese.

By the way the right wing is out there trying to use the conflicts between transmen and gay men for their own agendas. They aren’t our friends, they want to use this for their own purposes. Don’t support their agenda or go with it.

A Chapter 3 on transmen.

Chapter 4 will be on the risks in dealing with transmen as well as defense against transmen and resistance is at this link. It is just started, but I think there is one immediate risk that needs to be recognized before some gay man goes to jail.

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