2019 INTROSPECTIONS
By: Diana Popescu
Tags: Thoughts And Feelings, Experience, Year In Review, Life Lessons

ENTRY 02

As more than half a year passed by, here I am getting back on my introspections.

A lot has happened, yet nothing visible has changed. I moved on with my daily routine up to a point where it got exhausting and unfulfilling.

I have been thinking for a while what to do and what to change. Happiness is a state of mind and, hands down, you can’t always be happy. Apparently, your brain can’t produce enough dopamine in order to stay in this state, plus you have to go through some downs to be able to enjoy the ups. I grew a lot through the downs, as I imagine most of us do. Lucky for me, they haven’t been traumatizing. It’s been a good life and I am more than appreciative of it. As time passed by and I went through experiences, I learnt, and I moved forward into better understanding who I am. And this is a stepping stone in this journey of mine.

In this passed months I have gone through a developing stage where I asked myself tons of questions about the type of person I am and what I want to become. Once you start this process certain things come to light, some good and some you need to work on. Well, as I am a human being, so I am prone to mistakes and imperfections, I decided to accept my flows and work on them. We can’t be good at everything and I am not the type of person who believes that a person can do it all, yet at times I tend to take too much on my shoulders, so accepting what I should and shouldn’t do really opens the possibility to a new dimension.

Developing my strengths has become one of my goal. Making myself confident and proud, my second goal.

Somewhere along the way I lost track of who I am, so, third goal, rediscover myself. It is an interesting process and, at times, full of unanswered questions. Oh well, a work in progress, right?

I entered a routine that isn’t just making me unhappy, but it stops me from growing and developing. So, I need to change that. Taking a leap of faith here, but there is no other way!

I have found a concept that fits me like a glove: ontological design. It’s not something new out there, but it is interesting to me as it combines my interest in design with my constant desire to better understand the world around me and why it works the way it does and what I can do improve it. So, I am going to learn more about it.

Here there are, my goals for the rest of the year:

Develop my strengths Make myself proud and confident Rediscover myself Ontological design — learn more about it and how it helps me become a better person for my job.

Let’s see where this goes!

Oh, and one more:

5. Write more often — it helps me clear my mind.

Interesting fact, once I start writing I can’t stop, so I am going to try this out right now with the possibility of getting out of track or making it too boring. I will take that risk.

Writing helps me put my thoughts in line. It is a constant discussion going on inside my head of the things that happen daily and putting them on paper crates a structure, a line I can follow.

Analyzing this year, I can describe it as challenging. Change is always challenging. In order to change, I needed to look deep down and see where things went wrong. And they went a bit off track. And that made me feel … how to best describe it … bleah … I have outgrown my plans faster than expected. I worked so much on my “2019 New Year’s Plan” that I checked all the boxes sooner than expected and, normally, that is a great thing; yet, I felt a bit stuck as I was asking myself where to now? Maybe I should have made a 2-year plan, right?

Maybe it sounds like a “right answer to an interview” kind of thing, but I learn fast and I have been my entire life, but with this fast forward going on, I get stuck at times. And I have been stuck for a while. You know, it is like those fast-drivers in the city — they drive so fast thinking they can get there before you, but they hit traffic and you catch them from behind. This is how I feel now. I have been racing through this year, focused on “checking the boxes” that I forgot to enjoy my free time, to enjoy what I do, and to accept that, at times, you need to take a break and just breathe. Going to sleep thinking about work and waking up with the same thought. Checking my phone every minute, hoping I don’t lose something important going on. And here I am, 1st of September, asking myself “ when has this year passed by?”.

I learnt a lot. I am extremely appreciative of all the moments, of the ups and downs, but it is time to take a break and think where I am going with this. Is this the life I want to create for myself? Someone told me there is no right or wrong answer, it is just a decision. Whatever life I choose, that is the answer, but make a decision and commit to it.

My answer to the question is no. This is not the life I want to have. So, onto another mesmerizing question: which one is it? I have somewhat of an answer, but I believe it to be incomplete. I will get back to you with the answer.

Onto next time!