3 Lessons in Self-Confidence That Changed the Way People Perceive Me
By: Liv Mello
Tags: Psychology, This Happened To Me, Personal Growth, Confidence, Beyourself

Have you ever wondered what you’d look like if someone else was living inside your body? Maybe I’m crazy but I think about it all the time. Would she dress me differently? Would she carry herself less awkwardly? Would she know what the hell to do with my hands in photographs? Would she be more confident? More beautiful? Cool?

And then one day, I met that person. This was back in college so my insecurities from High School were still persisting. I was with an ex-boyfriend and our friends when *Alison invited us over for a party. I had never met her before but everyone who knew Alison had only good things to say.

“You’ll like her,” my boyfriend insisted. “You’re very similar. Actually, you look just like her.”

“You mean she looks just like me,” I replied. My boyfriend laughed. Still, I felt uneasy. Who was this girl? And if she looked exactly like me, did that mean my boyfriend was attracted to her? I remember checking myself in the mirror before reluctantly entering her house.

The girl looked exactly like me, only better.

I saw the resemblance as soon as I met Alison. We both sported long, blonde hair that begged a good brushing. We both had chubby cheeks paired with suspiciously slim bodies. Her jawline was just as weak as mine and her eyes, just as blue. I went in for a handshake like a total wanker. She giggled and pulled me in for a hug. Her body was straight and wiry. It felt like hugging an upright ironing board. It felt like hugging myself.

Everyone laughed when Alison said something witty about being my twin. I was immediately taken aback. I spent most of the night staring at her, not because she looked like me, but because she carried it so much better.

1. Building my self-confidence was more productive and fulfilling when I focused on my energy instead of my appearance.

Alison was a fairly “average-looking” girl in college and her petiteness didn’t help her stand out in the crowd. She didn’t dress to impress, even when we went out for drinks. She wore clothes that made her feel comfortable, which we bonded over. We danced in our Vans while our girlfriends stumbled around in their stilettos.

It was Alison’s warmth and optimism that made people want to be around her. She was funny without being self-deprecating or mean. She wasn’t fake nice. Her laugh made you smile and her happiness was contagious.

People will forget what you look like but “people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Inspired by Maya Angelou

When it comes to attraction, a person’s physical appearance matters much less than the energy they emit. Beauty is enticing but positive energy is enigmatic. It buzzes. It transpires into a version of beauty that transcends the physical. Good energy elongates a person’s posture. It brightens their face. Good energy is the mysterious endearment you can’t quite put your finger on.

When I prioritized my vibe over my appearance, I started to attract people who respect and admire me for who I am, not how I look.

2. Confidence doesn’t come from overt self-awareness, it comes from a childlike unawareness.

Children possess a confidence that is unmatched. They walk around like they own the place. They strut the beach with their nipples and wieners waving proudly. They ramble on like their words are wisdom. They’re completely frivolous, and in this frivolousness, they are free.

I used to think self-confidence was something I had to learn as I got older. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe confidence was born inside of me, something innate that I, unfortunately, grew out of. If only I could be as blissfully ignorant and self-assured as three-year-olds.

Confidence is the ability to detatch from societal restraint and have fun in your own body.

Children lack an inner critic. They view the world through rose-colored glasses. They act on impulse and are driven by what feels good. Granted, this uninformed decision-making might result in embarrassment for their parents, there’s a reason why children are known to have more fun than adults. They don’t compare themselves to others. They marvel at the world. They gawk at the little things. They let themselves go.

When I was a kid, I loved to swim. It didn’t matter how cold the water was. If you gave me an ocean, I’d jump in. As I got older, I found more and more reasons not to. “My hair will get wet. I already showered. I don’t want to change.” I used every excuse. Until I befriended Alison. I finally started swimming again. The cold water never felt so refreshing.

3. Self-confidence isn’t just about loving myself, it’s about loving the world around me.

There’s a thin line between self-confidence and arrogance. While self-love is obviously important, it should go hand-in-hand with a person’s respect for others. I’ve seen this happen before with acquaintances who seem to care more about themselves than anything else. This imbalance often isolates a person even more, as others find it difficult to empathize with someone so self-centered. In many cases, it creates a perpetual cycle where the lack of empathy someone receives further prevents them from empathizing in return.

I’m ashamed to admit that before I met Alison, I thought she was a threat. I guess I could blame High School for this. Women intimidated me. I was conditioned to ignore or compete. But Alison was different. From the moment she hugged me, I felt accepted. She had this way of making you feel special, no matter who you were.

Alison taught me to rewire my expectations of women. She also inspired me to ditch the insecurities I had about my physical flaws. The night I met Alison, I felt like I was watching my own potential from an outsider’s point of view. I wanted to be more like Alison — carefree and charismatic — and I’ve been working on it ever since.

I’m still me, only a little bit better.