Writing Advice That’s Choppier Than a Karate Tournament
By: Dhruv Sharma
Tags: Grammar, Writing Advice, Writing Tips, Comedy, Funny

Writing is fun and it feels great to be a part of a positive, uplifting writing community. However, lately, there has been an upsurge in writing advice, coming from every nook and cranny of the internet. This writing advice — although beneficial sometimes — is usually subjective, personal, and strangely gimmicky.

So, if, like me, you get overwhelmed by all the eccentric pieces of so-called writing commandments out there, here’s a little guide that’ll help you differentiate the good from the bad.

Write 10,000 words per day, every day

“The prodigious writer, all prepared to write with the utmost forte, licks the tip of his fingers, rolls up his sleeves, extends his arm, only to grab a potato chip and EAT IT.”

Writing every day is great. But writing 10,000 words every day is a Catch-22.

If you spend 12 hours a day writing and editing, you might get close to a 10,000 daily word limit. But if you’re writing 12 hours a day, what are you even writing about when you’re not reading or doing anything else?

Play the long game by writing 10,000 words every day. But in turn, decimate your vision and become incapable of writing in the forthcoming years. Aspire to build writing credibility by writing 12 hours a day. But in turn, create content that nobody likes or reads. Now that’s more realistic.

Volume matters, but only until it isn’t hampering your creative flow. You can write 10,000 words about every random thing on the internet or 1000 words about things that truly matter to you and your audience.

Follow the rules

“Rules in creative writing are like lifeguards in Olympic swimming events.”

Imagine walking through a scrapyard with only a flashlight in your hand. Your vision is only confined to the junk the light falls upon. The rest is pitch black.

That’s exactly what rules do to your creativity. Your perspective is narrowed down to a fixed set of tones, styles, and formats, while your creative potential remains unexplored.

Screw the rules, write with or without pants, write inside or outside cafes, write like everyone’s reading or like no one is, do whatever that floats your boat. Just follow some generic grammar rules (or maybe don’t).

Learn from the masters

I take writing advice from the best of the best — Ernest Hemingway, Mark Twain, and my no-good-dirty-rotten-word-stealing great-great-Grammarly!

In my 26 years of existence, I’ve known Leo Tolstoy, Jane Austen, Virginia Wolf, JK Rowling, Charles Dickens, and the names of several other great authors. I’ve even read books by some of them. And time and again, I go out seeking writing advice from these renowned authors.

The best piece of writing advice I’ve gotten is from Muriel Spark: “To write well, you need a cat.” So vague, yet so profound.

Writing, for the most part, comes from within. Successful writers can give you a piece of their own writing adventures. But your adventures are yours to create.

Avoid using adverbs

J. K. Rowling “never met an adverb she didn’t like” — Stephen King

Meanwhile, Stephen King in the 70s (The Stand):

“Huh!” Harold said, squeaked actually. “Go away!” he yelled tearfully. He looked up at her finally, his face tear-streaked and still wanting to blubber. “I want my mother,” he said simply. “You’re already getting one,” she added critically, looking at his shoulders.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Stephen King and I can understand where all this adverb bashing comes from. Adverbs are often unnecessary. But then, there are also times when they’re absolutely necessary.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (In a parallel adverb-friendly universe)

Unknowingly, Charlie entered the forbidden room of chocolaty words and found adverbs scattered all over the place.

“What are those?” he asked alarmedly.

“Hehe! Charlie, don’t fear them, they are only lovely little adverbs,” Willy Wonka explained cheerfully. “Too much of them can make your writing extra sugary, often leaving a terrible after-taste. However, if you use them judiciously, they can make your writing crisp in ways you had never imagined.

Meanwhile, greedy little Augustus Gloop crunched more adverbs than he could handle and floated away in the obnoxious sea of toxic adverbs, taking him to Stephen King.