When the Baby Keeps You Up All Night…
By: Tiffany Antone
Tags: Humor, Baby, Motherhood, Breastfeeding, Parenting

“The newborn made me do it” is a legit defense for 3am online shopping binges, right?

Shhhh…

What did women do before iPhones and Neflix? How did they stay awake? How did they not go start raving bonkers from the monotony of near-constant newborn feeding sessions? I’m exhausted, and it’s all I can do to NOT fall asleep on my munchkin while he sleepily slurps on my nips. If I didn’t have technology to keep me awake, I’d have probably given up by now.

Which of course means my phone usage is up to insane amounts this week. Pre-baby, I was (embarrassingly) averaging a couple hours a day. Last week? I averaged NINE HOURS a day! Granted, a lot of that is the feeding timer app I use to keep track of how long baby is eating — it runs every session — but still, I can’t blame these terrifying screen time numbers all on that…

So I thought I’d make a list of all the things I’m doing (yes, most of them on my phone) while baby dines…

What? Don’t I look professor-ish?

Grade student work

I am a professor who had a baby at the end of the semester, which means I still had a ton of grading to do. Thankfully, our online system has a totally user-friendly app that made it possible for me to read/grade essays and assignments one-handed on my phone! I’m in awe of technology, I tell you. In AWE.

The only problem is that my brain is only good for so much grading before it starts to turn to mush and require I use it for less function, and more fun…

Watch ALL the TV!

Who knew it was going to take having a baby to get caught up on all the movies and TV shows I’ve been to busy to watch these past couple years? So far, I have binge-watched some truly satisfying entertainment these past three weeks! Some of my faves: Dead to Me (Netflix), Russian Doll (Netflix), Veep (HBO), Antman and The Wasp and Crazy Rich Asians. I also happily re-watched the Indiana Jones trilogy (Yes, I said “Trilogy” — that Crystal Skull atrocity they made a few years ago needs to be completely forgotten!)

Shop

I don’t know about other moms, but I can’t wait to wear real clothes again. For the past three weeks, my uniform has been pajama pants and the kind of shirt I can sleep/drip cereal on/not mind accumulating baby burp-up & milk stains all over. Before that, I was stuffing myself into the same tired, and too-tight, maternity clothes I’d been wearing (and getting sick of) for months. I can’t wait to wear real clothes again… clothes that make me feel like the happy, shiny, looks-like-she’s-got-it-together, version of myself.

So I’ve succumbed to some online shopping in anticipation of once again being able to dress for aesthetic purposes and not merely the utilitarian… I’m just gonna say, it’s exciting to imagine my mid-section returning to it’s normally flat shape, and to picture myself wearing something other than sweatpants once this c-section heals!

I’ve also fallen pray to “Awwwww!” worthy baby clothes my infant will surely pee and poop in. There are simply too many “New mama!” hormones in my body to withstand the constant FB onslaught of boutique baby clothing ads. (My favorite, for the record, is Kate Quinn Organics — super cute clothes, high quality fabrics, and they have a lot of awesome sales that make me feel less guilty about these late-night shopping binges)

Some Kate Quinn in action…

I also do our Target shopping on my phone at odd hours. The “Pick it up” feature is saving my sanity. I simply fill the online cart with diapers/what-n-such, and my husband picks it all up. Thank you, Target, for making it just as easy for me to buy more than I actually need online, as when I am literally inside you…

Eat

Did you know you need to consume about 500 extra calories a day when you’re breastfeeding? And yet, finding time to actually prepare things to eat is damn near impossible when you have a newborn who basically wants to be cuddled by you ALL the time — and I’m not complaining, because I love cuddling this little dude! But damnit, I get HUNGRY too.

And we all know HUNGRY, if left unattended, turns into HANGRY — don’t nobody want that!

So I scarf down whatever I can easily prep/grab — and that means I have 100% dribbled cereal on my newborn in my attempts to eat while he was eating. I’ve also dropped oatmeal, scrambled eggs, Oreo crumbs, and bacon on his precious little head. Thankfully, everything is cold by the time I get to eat it, so it’s all been harmless and gone unnoticed by my little boob-nibbler.

Play dumb games on my phone

When all else fails, and my brain is too fried to do anything but pray for sleep, I whip out the trusty iPhone games.

With my first son, it was Two Dots and Angry Birds. With my second, it’s Tetris Blitz. The game is satisfyingly mind-numbing while also being engaging enough to keep my eyes open for long stretches as I puzzle my way through 2-minute Tetris battles. If you’re a mom who’s taking a break from your favorite nursing-session game to read this, tell me what you’re playing so I can check it out next!

And when I’m awake and have had my tea… I get to write

This one is tough, because when the baby is actually sleeping NOT in my arms, I mostly want to sleep. But there are also a ton of thoughts racing around my brain that need to be written down lest they drive me crazy. So I’ve managed to write a bit, and it’s been really wonderful to have the space to share those thoughts here.

And what about you? Are you a late-night, sleep deprived mama with some tricks up your sleeves? What are YOU doing to stay awake during baby’s feedings/fussings? Share your tips in the comments!