My Baby Is Good. Your Baby Is Bad.
By: Shira Rachel Danan
Tags: Satire, Baby, Humor, Motherhood, Parenting

My Baby Is Good. Your Baby Is Bad.

“What a good baby!” is something that strangers often say to my baby. And it’s true. He is very good.

While still in utero, my baby began practicing sleeping through the night, and he has slept from 8pm to 8am in his crib every night since birth. Occasionally, he senses his father and I need an evening alone together, and he gives a stage wink before rubbing his eyes at 6:30. But even if he goes to bed that early he still sleeps until 8am. He is a good baby.

Unfortunately, your baby is bad. Your bad baby sucks at self soothing. He will only sleep in the bed with you alone, forcing your husband to run away to the couch. Your baby can’t relax unless the white noise machine is turned up to “dragster burnout.” Your baby kicks you in the stomach all night, then wakes up at 3am to cry for no reason and finally settles down just before your alarm goes off. Bad.

My good baby latched within an hour after being born and always nursed well, even though I unfortunately have nipples shaped like fixed gear bicycles (this is a surprisingly common condition). My baby had no problem accommodating their special shape and burped heartily after every gentle and relaxing feed. I love nursing because my baby is good.

Your baby (bad) never latched right because he thinks it’s funny when people spend all their money on lactation consultants. He puked up every brand of formula except for one that costs $15 per ounce, is derived from pigs milk, and has to be imported from New Zealand. New Zealand! Bad.

My baby, who as I’ve mentioned is good, can crawl, but prefers to sit still on his mat, playing with one age-appropriate toy until he has thoroughly explored it over the course of 45 minutes. I’ve taken to napping while he does this safe, independent play. That way we both get some alone time. Some babies just love their moms a lot, I guess.

Your baby’s first teether was a CVS shopping bag, and now he’s firmly emotionally attached to it, but it’s also of course extremely dangerous for him to suck on plastic film, requiring constant supervision. This is exhausting for you but the thought of depriving him of his suffocating lovey is so terrifying that you don’t dare take it away, preferring to sacrifice all of your autonomy so he can chew on it quietly under your watchful gaze. Your baby is just the worst.

My baby calls me “ma mer” and my husband “ma per” even though no one in our house speaks French. Is there anything sweeter than babies with their tiny French accents that come out of seemingly nowhere? He’s so good.

Your baby doesn’t make any consonant sounds yet, no matter how much you mutter “mama. Say mama.” But he does look like he’s giving the finger in every single photo. It was funny the first time, but now it’s just weird.

My good baby cleans up his toys without me even asking.

Your bad baby just shat on the dog.

Speaking of baby poop, my baby potty trained himself at three months. I’d been looking for his cues and realized he was ready, so I showed him how to use the toilet and it just clicked!

I guess, in a way, I’m the good one.

Yes, that’s it! It’s not a coincidence at all. My baby is good, so I’m a good mom. Your baby is bad, which must mean that you… Well, let’s just say it’s a good thing you’re cute.