My 8-Step Flawless Routine For Successfully Adulting
By: Rita Atlas
Tags: Comedy, Self, Humor, Funny, Satire

My 8-Step Flawless Routine For Successfully Adulting

#3: Make sure your hangovers last at least four business days.

Photo by Nathan Fertig on Unsplash

If you’re about to be an adult or have been struggling to become one, this article is for you. I’ve been adulting myself for many years now. Not to brag, but I believe I’ve been quite successful at it, so I thought I’d share my secret recipe for doing it right. I guarantee you’ll see results within a few days.

1. Hide your emotions

In fact, ignore them altogether. You’re not a baby anymore. You’re an adult who knows how to hold it together. You must act like everything is fine at all costs. Don’t worry — most of the time, you’ll be too busy to even notice you have emotions.

Fast track: Develop an addiction or two (nicotine, alcohol, whatever suits you best) to bury your emotions more efficiently.

2. Become aroused by furniture

If you don’t get excited as soon as you enter Ikea, you’re not adulting right. Adulting means becoming aroused by stuff that you didn’t care about at all when you were young. So get out there and visit every furniture store in your town. If you can go to the store with your partner and get into a fight with them while you’re there, your chances of success will increase.

Fast track: If you’re really not into furniture, you can start small, with cleaning supplies, for example.

3. Make sure your hangovers last at least four business days

If your hangovers only last a few hours, you’re doing something wrong. If you treat yourself to a night out with your friends, you have to pay for it for at least four business days. This is an average I calculated based on my own experience. Trust me, this number is crucial if you want to do adulting right. So make sure you drink enough to guarantee a dignified hangover.

Fast track: You can just drink at home, you don’t need to go to some fancy bar.

4. Educate yourself about your bowel movements

If you’re an adult, chances are you’ve experienced all kinds of digestive problems. If you’re not sure, here are some common symptoms: gas, stomach pain, bloating, and constipation. It’s really important that you educate yourself about digestive problems, because you’ll need to bring them up every chance you get. It’s a good conversation subject for dinner parties.

Fast track: Use what little time you have left to visit your gastroenterologist.

5. Constantly postpone plans

This one is key. Don’t ever make yourself available for your friends. Why would you? You barely have enough time for work. So don’t make time for anything else. If your best friend tries to make plans to see you, just keep postponing them, preferably until one of you dies.

Fast track: If you’re tired of postponing plans, you can just ignore texts from your friends. They will most likely be relieved.

6. Adapt your language

Make sure you adopt adult phrases. It takes a little getting used to, but before you know it you’ll find yourself using them at least once or twice a day. Everybody has their preferences, but my personal favorites are “just wait until you get older” and “things were better back in the day.”

Fast track: You don’t need one. Adult phrases will come naturally.

7. Never sleep in

Make sure you never wake up later than 8 am. Even after a sleepless workweek. Even after a night out with your friends. I can’t stress this enough. There is no reason whatsoever for your body not to wake you up early, regardless of how many hours you slept. It’s okay because you’ll nap every chance you get.

Fast track: Make sure to always have something to be anxious about, and if you’re lucky, it’ll keep you awake all night.

8. Have constant back pain

The more often you have back pain, the better. It means you’re becoming a real adult. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be your back. If other parts of your body are constantly aching, like your shoulders, or your neck, that works too.

Fast track: Try sleeping in weird positions and not exercising at all. This will intensify the pain.