Being the Abused Other Woman: A Guided Tour
By: Lisa Martens
Tags: Dating, Abuse, Sexual Assault, Relationships, Love

Being the Abused Other Woman: A Guided Tour

Photo by Edwin Andrade on Unsplash

You’re upset. You were just dumped. You feel like no one will want you. You weren’t pretty enough. Good enough.

He’s nice to you. He comforts you. Dries your tears. He quickly stuffs it into you while you’re half-asleep on his couch. You’re more upset. He has someone already. You thought you were just friends. He calms you down and convinces you he actually cares about and wants you. You calm down and tell yourself it wasn’t rape.

Then it starts to feel naughty. Fun, actually. The sneaking around, the secrets, the lies. You’re better than her. You’re younger and prettier. You have better skin and hair. She must be threatened by you. You’re going to take her place. And that’s what she deserves. That’s what is supposed to happen. You are desirable.

Your ex wants you back and you laugh. You’ve moved on and it feels…not good, exactly, but at least you’re not upset over him anymore.

You have all new reasons to be upset. He doesn’t want to use a condom. He doesn’t seem to be breaking up with his girlfriend. He’s starting to list the things she does that you don’t do. Cooks. Gives him gifts. Anal. You don’t have that much money for constant gifts. And you don’t want to do anal.

He’s mad when you want to hang out with other friends. He goes through your phone and asks about men who are texting you. He insists you’re together, and that he’s going to break up with his girlfriend, so you shouldn’t text or hang out with any other men.

The sex is good, you think. So that must mean there’s a spark, there’s real chemistry. Right? The sex is better than it was with your ex.

You wonder. Is it, really? Or is it just that he makes you feel like shit so often that sex is the only time he seems to really be valuing and paying attention to you?

There’s another woman. He explains that he doesn’t really like her but he felt bad for her so he let her suck his dick. You’re still the one. You all have lunch together: Him, you, his girlfriend, and that other woman.

You start to feel like you’re in some sort of weird harem.

Sometimes, he doesn’t let you sleep. He makes you come with him to do laundry late at night. He gets mad at you if you complain. He makes fun of everything you eat. He tells you that you should eat more like a girl so you can lose weight. He tells you not to eat jalepeños. When you visit your aunt and uncle, he makes a surprise trip out there to their house to see you.

You’re starting to really feel afraid. You want out. Then he starts saying he’s sick. You can’t leave him. Why are you treating him like a bad guy? If you’re going to treat him that way, then he might as well be the bad guy.

You want out. You want to warn these other women. You try to reach out to the friends who you’ve cut out of your life. You’re scared he will get you pregnant. The idea of him being a part of your life forever feels like death. You start to think that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if he made due on his threats. You’d rather be blackmailed, hot, and exposed than live like this.

One day, you realize you’re no longer afraid to die.

You move. You cut off communication. You won’t accept being friends…that’s how you two started off. He was abusive. In an act of bravery and self-love, you tell him so. You threaten to call the police if he ever contacts you again.

He sends a long email. You delete it without reading it.

You are broken and small, but you are alive.

It will take a long time to recover. Your days are empty. You spent so much time thinking about him. Worrying about what he thought. Wondering if you were enough. You had no hobbies, no secrets from him. He sabotaged everything in your life that wasn’t about him.

Now he’s gone.

You can’t sleep. You flinch at night. You worry he’s found you. You worry about what he’s doing to other women.

Maybe, someday, after you’ve put yourself together, you can find a way to warn them. Maybe, someday, after you’ve put yourself together, you can find a way to warn them all.