Men Contribute to The Orgasm Gap. And here’s what we can ALL do about it.
By: Shannon Ashley
Tags: Equality, Relationships, Dating, Love, Sex

The idea that men contribute to the gendered orgasm gap should be obvious, yet every time I write about it, I get comments from angry men. They complain that I’m abusing men, demanding orgasms, and blaming men for a woman’s problem. It doesn’t matter how many women are reading, nodding along, and saying, "Yes, this jives with my own experience."

These guys? The angry men who insist the orgasm gap is just a myth? They don’t care about a woman’s experience. Which, of course, is part of the whole damn problem.

What is the orgasm gap?

There are actually three orgasm gaps. First, there’s the gap that in heterosexual encounters, females reach orgasm much less often than men. This is the gendered orgasm gap, and what most people mean when they say "orgasm gap."

Next, there’s the orgasm gap between lesbian women and straight women. Yes, that means lesbians experience more orgasms than straight women. Unlike women, a man’s orgasm rate doesn’t vary according to his sexual orientation.

Finally, there’s an orgasm gap between women masturbating alone, and women having sex with a (male) partner. The fact that more women can climax without a partner than with a man suggests that most men need to pay more attention.

Over the years, there have been multiple studies on the issue. Though the numbers vary a bit, the gendered orgasm gap remains wide--as much as 66 percent.

In other words, men receive 3 orgasms for every 1 that women receive within a heterosexual intimate encounter.

Why should men even care?

Those men interested in a healthy relationship both in and out of the bedroom are going to care if their female partner has the opportunity to climax. According to Psychology Today, the reason the gap exists in hetero couples but not lesbian ones is the involvement--and exclusion--of the penis.

To be fair, men have a role in the orgasm gap, but they are not to blame. That said, men still benefit from the cultural problem. Which means that it's another issue of empathy. It's challenging to convince men to care about a problem which they don't believe affects them--unless we're talking with empathetic men.

Why can’t women fix this themselves?

Because it's not just a female problem, it's a cultural one. Talk to most any heterosexual woman, and she'll know exactly what you're talking about when you bring up the orgasm gap and men who don't think to ask what she needs in bed.

Culturally, we value penetrative sex over every other kind. Men and women are not properly educated about female anatomy and the female reproductive system--even medical literature has failed to be accurate and it's completely normal for men and women alike to only reference the vagina.

Despite progress that has been made, many women are still impacted today by antiquated ideas about sex, gender, and orgasms. There has long been a bias against the female orgasm, and long before Freud declared the clitoral orgasm the mark of an immature or mentally ill woman.

For men who don't believe Freud still influences behavior today, survey the women around you to discover just how many men they've dated who told them to learn how to orgasm vaginally during intercourse. Yes, men insistently telling a woman she should be able to climax a certain way is still a thing.

The list of cultural issues go on and on. Women masturbate less than men, and often because they were taught that it's wrong. Also, women are raised to nurture and become pleasers, while being admonished for their sexual desires. Which means they often don't feel empowered to voice their needs for sex.

I thought orgasms weren't the point of sex?

Let's be honest--if most women said that to a man, many men would look elsewhere. That said, connection, intimacy, and pleasure are what healthy couples use sex for. Procreation, if desired, is just one small part of a long-term sexual relationship.

Assuming a man isn't dealing with erectile dysfunction, and is not in the refractory period, the chance he's going to climax during sex is very high. Closing the orgasm gap isn't putting pressure on making an orgasm happen. It's about allowing for an equal opportunity.

Are women just picking partners who are selfish in bed?

There are two problems with that theory. First, it's another way to put the blame on women--the ones at a clear disadvantage here. Second, it ignores the fact that men may need a little education, which is why we talk about the orgasm gap at all.

Bringing awareness to the problem will help fill the gap when good guys listen and take steps to help.

Until then, let's not make assumptions that women inherently pick poor partners. Or even that all men who benefit from the orgasm gap are selfish. I'd say the only selfish men in all of this are those who refuse to believe the gap exists then try to reason it away with theories.

So you’re saying women should demand orgasms (or oral sex) from men?

Demand is a pretty ugly word in any relationship. Couples should talk to each other about their preferences and needs. Personally, I think these conversations should begin before you even sleep with someone. It helps to know if you have any compatibility to start from.

Some men and women feel strongly about specific sexual needs. They should be honest about those things upfront to avoid wasting time and running into dealbreakers.

But women’s orgasms are impossible, aren’t they?

There are a lot of myths surrounding the female orgasm. Myths like it takes at least 20 minutes for a woman to climax, or that they're so much more mysterious than men. Most experts today agree that women who masturbate to orgasm can typically do so within 4 minutes. Not unlike men.

Most other challenges likely come from conditioning. We women are often conditioned against letting go. We may worry about our partner thinking we take too long to come, or we may have a hard time telling our partner what we like.

What can we do to close the gap?

It's really not too complicated!

Men

Consider what it would look like if you viewed your female partner's orgasm as important as your own. Listen to what she's trying to tell you, and ask questions to make sure you understand. Above all else, have some empathy. Girls and boys continue to receive conflicting messages about sex, and those lessons often follow us into adulthood.

Women

Educate yourself about your own body. Masturbate to understand what you do or don't like. Talk to your male partner about your needs without fear they'll think poorly of you. A man who doesn't give a damn about your needs isn't worth it. Don't fake your orgasms to spare your partner's feelings.

Everybody

Communicate with your partners even before you head into the bedroom--especially if sexual compatibility matters to you. Expand your mindset about orgasms and quit putting penetration above all other sex acts. Above all else, have some empathy instead of pawning blame on someone ese.

Closing the gap requires men and women to work together, but not every man and woman will work together! Knowing yourself well, communicating with your partner, listening to each other, and journeying together will make all the difference. If you can't do all those things with your partner, it may be time to rethink the relationship.