4 Easy Ways to Destroy Trust
By: Austin Walker
Tags: Work, Management, Leadership, Self Improvement, Productivity

If time is our greatest commodity, trust is our most valuable currency. Time is something we cannot afford to waste, but trust is something we cannot afford to squander. When we have destroyed trust at work, the destruction may not stop there.

If our boss cannot trust us in the workplace, we have left them with limited options. They may end up micromanaging your performance because you have taken away their belief in your ability to handle your job. They may end up leaning in to develop you because they believe you have the capacity, but maybe they have overextended trust before it was merited. They may have to replace you if the damage has been to vital and the organization cannot survive the road to repair.

As a fellow leader, there is only so much they can do. The company has to continue, the organization has to move on.

That begs the question, what are things we do that destroy trust?

What if we are caught in habits that are slowly eroding the very thing we need to do our jobs well? There are some behaviors or tendencies that are obvious. When it comes to destroying trust, they’re the wrecking balls.

Other issues are more subtle in their work, like water beneath the surface. It slowly erodes where no one can see but can lead to incredible damage when a sinkhole opens up. The damage may feel instantaneous, but the destructive work was slow.

Either way, trust is destroyed. So what are things we find ourselves doing that destroy the trust we have at work?

Gossip

What is gossip? I’m partial to the definition by Rick Warren. “When people are talking about someone or something, and no one there is part of the problem or solution.”

If we find ourselves in a conversation about someone, and no one in the conversation is involved, no one is a part of why that situation is going wrong, and no one in the conversation is part of fixing that situation, it’s probably gossip.

Our staff walked through this book on gossip, and I like their definition, as well. “Bearing bad news behind someone’s back out of a bad heart.” For Matt Mitchell, gossip must contain these three elements:

Bad news. Sharing information about someone’s newborn child wouldn’t qualify, because in most situations that comes as good news. Just because it’s not bad news doesn’t mean it should be shared, but for Mitchell, it wouldn’t qualify as gossip. Behind their back. Just like Rick Warren’s definition, for something to qualify as gossip, the people involved are not present. If you find yourself in a group text, email chain, or hallway conversation about someone or a relationship and no one is part of that conversation, it has a good chance of being gossip. Bad heart. Intentions matter…but are hard to evaluate. Are you sharing that story because you and the person you’re texting are genuinely wanting to help? Or are you sharing it because, deep down, it feeds your power or makes you feel more in control?

Gossip will destroy the trust you have spent years building. The old, stereotypical illustration of gossip rings true. Go take a bag of feathers and throw them off a skyscraper. Go to the bottom, walk outside, and put them all in the bag. That’s the reality of gossip. Once something has been spoken, it is nearly impossible to undo.

Think about it this way. You know the people in your office that are constantly filling you in on the latest stories…how likely are you to go to them when you need help? If you’re not likely to rely on them, what makes you think anyone else in the organization will, either?

Shading the Truth

This is similar to being a suck-up. Shading the truth means being “technically honest” but deceptive. It can come in two forms.

Positively shading the truth means giving a report to your boss that makes things seem a little better than they may be. An example from my context in student ministry would be going to my boss and saying, “We had 750 people at our retreat, it was a huge win.” The reality? Yes, we had 750 people, but that included staff, chaperones, kitchen staff, and on and on. If I know my boss is asking for how many students we had this year, 750 people is accurate, but still not a complete truth.

Negatively shading the truth is similar. You give an accurate response, but make it sound a little worse than it was. Maybe your team is processing an event you don’t want to host again, and you frame the conversation to be a little less favorable.

Negatively shading the truth can also come in the form of false humility. If you are trying to play the “Little Ol’ Me” card, your boss will eventually see this. Framing yourself as the victim, or less deserving, or more of a problem in a situation when you are not is a sure way to break trust.

Why does shading the truth break trust? For the same reason, gossip breaks trust. When people at your work cannot depend on your feedback or comments for unbiased, fair statements, there is no reason for trust.

You will build for yourself a reputation of being “mostly true,” but mostly true isn’t true.

Blaming

This should come as no surprise…blaming failures will always break trust. It doesn’t matter if you blame other people, if you blame circumstances beyond your control if you blame another department, or anything else. If you don’t take ownership of your own mistakes, you will never build the trust necessary to move on.

Why? Failure isn’t final. In almost every situation, failure is part of the journey, not the end of the journey. The problem with blaming is that you are refusing to take responsibility. When you don’t take responsibility, other people are at fault. When others are at fault, there’s no reason for reflection. When there’s no reason for reflection, there’s no opportunity for growth. When there’s no opportunity for growth, there’s no way to increase your leadership capacity.

The leaders that lead well have also failed, and failed well. The path to true, sustainable success isn’t built upon people and things you’ve thrown under the bus. It’s built upon the hard situations that have made you who you are.

When your default posture is to blame others in failure, you create a win/lose situation for your boss. If he or she gives you more responsibility, either that will go well (win) or things won’t go well and others are blamed (fail).

When your default posture is to accept responsibility (even if it’s not yours to own), you have created a win/win situation. As you get more responsibility, things may go well (win), or if things don’t go well, your boss knows it can be a growth experience when you shoulder the failure and keep moving forward (win).

For more reading on this idea, and to explore the concept of “extreme ownership,” I’d recommend this book by Jocko Willink.

Surprises

I don’t even like surprise parties. That’s personal, though, not necessarily something that will destroy trust.

If you want to make sure you don’t break trust, don’t let there be any surprises. Do you think a client is going to call and be furious about something that happened? Give their rep a heads up. Did something go wrong with a purchase order that you think will work itself out? Don’t let your boss be surprised, give them a heads up.

I have a handful of goals as a leader, and one of them is, “Never let my boss be surprised.” I may send more emails or give more heads up than my boss may like, but I have learned that’s the lesser of two evils.

In my role, I interview adult volunteers to work with teenagers and mentor them. Because of the sensitivity of putting adults in places of trust and power with minors, we have a lot of policies and procedures, as well as an extensive onboarding process to ensure the safety of our students.

As a part of that onboarding, we have leader coaching. When I am coaching a new leader, I ask the same of them: “Please don’t let me get surprised.” Here’s the general overview of my script when I unpack this with them.

If there’s something that happens in your small group time that you think may frustrate a parent, or if there’s a conversation that comes up that covers sensitive material, at least send me a text message.

If someone asks a question about sex and a parent calls me, that phone call can go one of two ways.

If you’ve texted me ahead of time and said, “Ross asked ________, so just as a heads up, we talked about this,” then that conversation with the frustrated parent is pretty easy. “Yes, thanks for calling. Here’s what happened.”

If you haven’t given me a heads up, and a parent calls asking why you were telling them about sex, I have to say, “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry. Let me find out about that.”

Parents will respond to two very different ways to those situations. Please help me be in your corner by making sure I’m not surprised by anything.

I would say the same should be true in a working environment. Make sure that your boss is never surprised by something about which you have prior knowledge. It’s a lot easier to be in your corner and knows you’re reliable when you are constantly keeping your boss in the loop (and in turn, making him or her look better).