The Zap Zombies Tool Kit
By: Carel Kolchinski
Tags: Zombie Eradication, Humour, Zombie Defense, Zombies, Zombie Apocalypse

For readers with a good sense of humour

“Grandad, how do ya zap zombies?”

I looked up from my book and eyed my eight year old grandson with interest.

“I’m not too sure Pete. I think you’ll have to leave that one with me. Can I do some research and get back to you?”

“Okay,” he replied and wandered off around the garden.

I’ve never encountered a zombie before but I thought it might be wise to be prepared; you never know what might happen next. The zombie apocalypse perhaps?

I had noticed some strange looking people in our village recently; their eyes staring wildly with a stunned, glassy expression. But then a neighbour told me that the local bar had been selling some really potent, home brewed, beer — under the counter vintage — that had sold out within days.

Anyway, I went to bed that night thinking about……..zombies.

“Hmm” I thought, watching my wife preparing herself for slumber, “perhaps I should look seriously into a zombie defense system.”

Zombies are easy….

So next morning, I dropped in front of the computer and started my search for some expert information on the subject. I must say that it didn’t take me long to assemble some very interesting facts and figures. And I soon discovered that zombies are apparently pretty easy to see off. No problem I thought.

But like every hobby, you soon discover that you must have some specialised equipment.

It’s always the same. You become interested in a topic, say antique, toe nail clippers or rubberised, foot warmers, and then you realise that you’ve got to spend a small fortune getting all the right gear so that you don’t look like a complete novice. And this principle also applies to zombie eradication.

Before I continue, please take note.

I must state that those readers of a sensitive disposition might want to stop reading now; what follows does get a little gruesome and gory.

No, still with me? Well, you have been warned!

What you need….

First things first then. What tools and gadgets will we need for zapping our zombies?

Okay, here’s the basic list. (I’m trying to keep costs to a minimum here for those on a limited budget)

1. Sledgehammer…….a good quality item. Not one of your cheap imports. You don’t want the hammer head to fall off or the shaft to split at a critical moment.

2. Shotgun…….nothing too expensive (don’t use your Purdey). The basic item should do it. Ask your local farmer he might lend you his spare.

3. Large calibre pistol…….how about a 44 Magnum? (“Make my day, zombie punk!”)

4. Chainsaw…….your neighbour or an ex-friend might have one. Ask if you can borrow it. You don’t want to ruin your own.

5. Lawnmower…….just take the mother- in- law’s. If it gets damaged. you could call it compensation for having to marry into the family.

6. Automobile…….best to use your partner’s vehicle. You need to look after your own motor.

7. Gasoline…….a couple of gallons should do it.

8. Helicopter…….a tricky one this. Do you know a local millionaire? If so, tell him you need it for a charity event or something. That should soften him up.

Okay, now for the really meaty “how to” stuff (squeemies…you’ve been warned!)

The action plan….

First task is to render the zombie brain inoperable.

This is were your shotgun will come in handy or that heavy duty pistol (please don’t shoot yourself in the foot). Now a slug from one of those babies should allow you to see the sky through zombs head. Or, if you work out, you could just swing that sledgehammer and land a cranium crusher. Don’t wear your best clothes though. It could be messy.

Now your next task is to cut that head off.

Don’t panic. Just imagine that you’re getting the Sunday roast ready to go in the oven. But you’ll be using the neighbour’s chainsaw or, if you’re a real showman, you lift up poor zomb so that the rich guy’s helicopter blades do the job. One swish and it’s all over.

If you’re a keen outdoor type who likes camping then you’ll enjoy the next bit. This is were you do some serious burnin’ !!!

Again, you just imagine that you’re away for the weekend in the woods and you need to get a good fire going. Lay zomb on a dry pile of sticks or logs, sprinkle generously with the gasoline. Then stand back and light the blue touch paper. Hmm…….just feel that natural warmth!

Hey, we’re almost finished.

The final touch is really to do with destroying as much of the evidence as possible. We don’t want any trace of zomb remaining just in case his pals recognise a part and decide to come after you. So we have a choice.

We can liquidise, crush or generally spread around what remains of zomb. The mother- in- law’s lawnmower could be useful here. It will chop and distribute all in one action. Or, you could borrow the kitchen liquidiser or jump in your partner’s car and do some squashing manoeuvres on the remaining bits. Grind them into the earth……you need to be creative here folks.

Just enjoy!

Job done…

Well, that’s it. Easy peasy.

Now I really hope this advice is going to be useful for all those who have the stomach to read it and a good sense of humour.

My grandson, naturally, never mentioned the ‘zap a zombie’ subject again. After a few days he’d already forgotten about the subject and moved on to a more wholesome interest to occupy his young mind.

But let me tell you that I don’t consider my time wasted doing this research. No siree!

Because, along the way, I think I’ve found a cure for the thick growth of hair that suddenly appears all over my body every full moon.

My wife is so pleased.