5 Questions That Keep Me Up Most Nights
By: Ben Mcharo
Tags: Life, Beyourself, Life Lessons, Sleep

5 Questions That Keep Me Up Most Nights

Photo by Mpho Mojapelo on Unsplash

Some nights I go to bed at 10 and sleep at 3 in the morning. I am not complaining these nights are usually the most productive nights, my creativity is at its best and most of my life-changing ideas happen to come to me during these nights. The only challenge with these nights is if they happen three or four times in a row, it becomes too much. People will see me with my red eyes and ask “do you smoke weed” haha! well, I wish that was the case but I don't and it's usually from the lack of sleep. Anyway, still not complaining.

Honestly, it's not like I’m in a creative mode during all these sleepless nights, some of them am just stressed by a girlfriend and some am just not exhausted enough to sleep. But most nights I am answering or finding answers to a set of questions that I probably asked myself during the day and couldn't find the time or space to answer.

So, I thought why not share with you my beautiful readers these questions, and maybe somewhere someone is going through the same thing and we could probably find the answers together.

Who am I?

This is not new, this is not something you haven't heard before, I can bet you that you've either asked yourself this question or someone has asked you before. This is probably the most profound question that we human beings ask ourselves or each other. I might get some insights, find some clues but I don't think that I’d ever get to the answer.

I’d probably settle for something and just decide to live with it. That is exactly what I usually do most nights, settle for some random answer. I am an introvert, I am a calm guy, I am a very sensitive person, etc. All these are just some random labels that the world had thrown at me before and none of them answer the question “who am I?” and what about you, who are you?

Why am I here? What is my purpose?

I usually crack my head around this question because I know the answer to this changes everything. Remember Joseph from the Bible? Once his purpose was revealed to him his life changed, it wasn’t about him marrying Marry anymore but rather becoming a father to Jesus. I still have no answer to this, I am not even close, I wake every morning and decide to follow my heart until the day I will be 100% sure about what to follow. What about you? What is your purpose?

What is love? Does it really conquer all?

I for one can never pretend that I know what love is, maybe I have been in love or I have seen people in love but I really don't know what it is. Some say it is a feeling and some worship it as if it were a religion, I on the other hand wouldn't like to put a definition to something that I have failed countless times. Love unconditionally, so they say, and then tell you you were stupid to put all your eggs in one basket now that your heart is broken and you didn't have a backup plan. So, most nights I am asking myself and wondering what is going to happen next time I fall in love. I usually give my heart hope and tell it that I will not be as blind as the last time but hey! there is always that one person who comes your way and you without even questioning it you pour your heart into them like a nicely blended smoothie.

Am I any good at what I do?

I write, you probably know that already if you are reading this. But my writing isn't the only thing that puts food on the table, there is so much else that needs to be done alongside writing to make it useful. Now that is a story for another day. Most of the things I do I didn't go to school for, therefore I have to improvise my way through it every single day because I do not have a certificate that says I am a pro in what I do, I think it is just normal to wonder if what you do is at all causing any impact. There is no way to find out, you just do one project after another making mistakes and learning your lessons along the way. It just so happens that one day I am commuting across the city and hear or see my work then I realize that I actually did something worthwhile. This makes me realize that whatever I am doing I need to be there 100% and give it my all, whether I am good at it or not is something I can never know for sure until I see the results.

Will I be okay if I died tonight?

Maybe one of the scariest questions that I ask myself. About two years back this same question would have freaked me out but not anymore. It is a nice question to ask yourself, especially before sleeping because you might not wake up from that sleep. Nowadays I am okay with dying because I have found a way to live every day to its fullest doing what I love. I have found ways to guard my heart against all the bad blood, the hating, the resentment, the anger, and the likes of it. I have chosen to keep a pure heart and maybe, I mean maybe I can have one. So, most of the time when I ask myself this question I just end up sleeping because I feel peace and this peace makes me a better person the next day.

Maybe none of this makes sense to you, maybe none of this has ever crossed your mind, that is just fine this is me pouring my mind out. If there is something that troubles you and makes you lose sleep at night and you would like to share or talk about it, here is my email; bensonmcharo@gmail.com, and my number +255 679 637 831. Stay blessed.