How to Stop Dating and Start a Relationship
By: Laura Silverstein
Tags: Relationships, Relationships Love Dating, Dating, Love, Dating Advice

How to Stop Dating and Start a Relationship

A 9 step blueprint to keep you focused on the love you deserve so you aren’t seduced by charm

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

You don’t want to go on another first date in your life. You’re ready for long-term love and can’t figure out why date after date isn’t working out. You start to wonder if it ever will.

You’re not sure if you can handle stressing out about another mini-breakup with someone you don’t even like, or looking at no new notifications as you’re waiting for a response to your text.

You might be focusing on the wrong person.

It doesn’t seem right to have a formula for dating. It’s much more romantic to fall in love seamlessly. But I want to bring your attention to some things that will make it more likely for you to find what you’re looking for.

I’m a therapist/dating coach for people who are looking for love. I help people focus their energy on the things they really want so they aren’t sidetracked by distractions. I’ve combined my years as a couples therapist with the data that we’ve gathered from 40 years of analyzing conversations.

The Power of Observation in Predicting Relationship Success (90% Accuracy)

The advice in this article is based on the same research that proved a relationship expert can predict whether a relationship will succeed or fail by observing and analyzing a15-minute conversation.

The blueprint is a 7 step process, divided into 3 sections:

What to do before your date What to do during your date How to break it down when you’re home

The only requirement for these tips is for you to be as honest with yourself as possible. This is not the time to worry about what anyone else thinks.

Before You Go

Step 1: Define Your Deal Breakers

You’ve got your dating profile up, your friends are going through their Rolodexes for you. As much as you hate the process, you know that you need to meet new people if you want to find a relationship.

Created in Canva by Laura Silverstein

Here is your Deal-Breaker Checklist. It is a tool for you to think about your priorities proactively instead of reactively. Take the time to clarify what’s important to you to avoid wasting time and preventable angst.

Print out this list and check off the 5 most important qualities that you are looking for right now. Keep in mind that you will choose different items at different times in your life, depending on your goals at the time.

Try not to feel guilty about anything that is either on or not on your list.

Step 2: Answer this Question: Are you too picky or not picky enough?

If you are too picky, you risk being alone even though you are desperate for connection. If you are not picky enough, you risk settling for a sub-par or even unhealthy relationship.

I want to help you find a balance so you are neither alone nor settling.

Be honest with yourself and also think about whether you’ve gotten feedback about this from friends or family. We’ll be returning to this step during the post-date analysis.

Step 3: Memorize your List

As you’re finishing up the final touches on your outfit, take one last look at your list and try to store it in your memory so that it is top of mind while on your date.

While You’re Out

Step 4: Focus on Your Date, Not Yourself

Everyone wants to be liked and desired, so naturally, that is where your mental energy will gravitate. But there is no point in even trying to impress someone who doesn’t meet your deal-breaker criteria.

As a bonus, people are more attractive when they are confident. The easiest way to be more confident is to focus on an achievable task rather than an impossible one.

It is impossible to be likable to everyone you meet. It is achievable to get to know someone new.

Step 5: Listen Deeply to Your Date

I wish I could be a fly on the wall for you. It’s your job to figure out whether there is chemistry, but I’d be looking out for other things.

Are they listening closely to what you’re saying?

Are they learning from you in the conversation by acknowledging things they don’t know?

Do you see evidence that they are genuinely listening? Be on the lookout for relevant follow-up questions.

Are they talking about other people in their lives with respect? Are they the victim in their anecdotes?

Notice non-verbals as well. Are they maintaining eye-contact? Respecting your physical space? Comfortable with silence?

Are they displaying an appropriate amount of vulnerability? Don’t be fooled by intense self-disclosure that comes out of nowhere; True vulnerability happens slowly and in relation to another person.

I know this is a long list. Don’t be overwhelmed, just think about each item for a moment. This is just a way to put your finger on the things you already recognize as red flags.

Step 6: Don’t Be Seduced by Charm

This step might be the hardest. Your dates will wine and dine you, tell you how fabulous you are, and impress you with their strengths (while hiding their flaws).

Keep your eye on the prize by observing what’s happening as if you were enrolled in a film class.

True fact; It is easier to stay logical and grounded when you’re sober and not having sex.

After the Date

Step 7: Do You Have Butterflies?

Obviously, dating is sexy, exciting, and intuitive and isn’t just about keen observation skills.

Now is the time to check in with your gut:

Did you have fun?

Are you daydreaming about your date?

Looking forward to learning more?

Is your gut telling you the feelings are mutual?

Is your brain assuming a second date when you’re not actively thinking about it?

Step 8: Revisit Your List

It’s time to go back and look at your list. Were all 5 of your criteria met? If not, how many? If you classified yourself as too picky, is this person worth a second chance?

If you‘re haven’t been picky enough in the past, notice if you are making excuses for them?

Also, go back and look at the bullet points from Step 5 one at a time. Think back to the conversation and try to remember how your date responded.

Step 9: Decide if You Want a Second Date

One of the biggest dating mistakes people make is to start thinking long-term right away. The only goal of a first date is to decide whether or not you want a second date.

But no one, no matter how much scientific training they have, can teach two people to fall in love.

This is your ride. Jump on. Trust yourself.

I hope you find long-lasting love and happiness. (if that happens to be what you’re looking for :)

Thanks for reading my story!

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