Lonely? You’re Not Alone
By: Judy D'Mello
Tags: Lifestyle, Isolation, Loneliness, Podcast, Wellbeing

Illustration by Jon Krause

A friend recently sent a text in response to the news of my upcoming podcast series on loneliness called, Is Anybody Out There?

She wrote: “I feel lonely so often and I don’t even live alone. It’s a weird thing that humans can feel. It’s awful.”

It is perhaps one of the great ironies that when it comes to loneliness, we are not alone. Cigna, the global healthcare company, released a 2020 Loneliness Index, in which three in five Americans (61%) reported that they are lonely. This was a seven percentage-point increase from 2018.

An aging and more transient population, as well as our reliance on technology to make social connections, are often cited as culprits of this trend. Add to this the social fracturing caused by the pandemic and the holiday season — an annual slog for those flying solo — and this year loneliness appears more pronounced than ever.

But loneliness has been around far longer than Covid-19 or social media. And it won’t miraculously disappear after the holidays are done.

Which is precisely why my podcaster partner, Jeremy Warshaw, and I decided to create this series. We’re both transplanted Brits living in New York. We’re both freelancers who spend an awful lot of time home alone. Feelings of loneliness, isolation and disconnection — of missing the familiarity of our homeland, of never feeling entirely rooted in our adopted home — visit us often. And even though loneliness is a ubiquitous, human emotion, our instinct is to blame ourselves. As though somehow it’s our fault, our shortcoming. As though we’ve “caught” the loneliness bug and might transmit it to others unless we retreat and isolate ourselves even further.

Luckily for us, and our podcast, we found a wide swath of people — everyday folks from ages 20 to 91, to brainy types like authors, scientists, psychotherapists, doctors, and urban planners — who have experienced loneliness and who wanted to be a part of this necessary discussion. Over 10 episodes of Is Anybody Out There? they spoke candidly about their experiences and the need for a more connected way of life.

Here are a few nuggets of advice, gleaned from our discussions, that might help us all get through periods of loneliness. Because only by attending to these emotions, can we hopefully prevent them from turning into a chronic and devastating illness.

Physical Touch

“The thing about loneliness,” said Dr. Fay Bound Alberti, the author of a throughly-researched book called, The Biography of Loneliness, “is that it’s very much a physical as well as an emotional and psychological experience. We have this focus on loneliness, as we do on all emotions, as belonging to the brain. But actually I think the emotional body really needs to be addressed in terms of loneliness, because people often describe feeling cold, feeling a need of physical warmth when they are trying to describe a lack of social warmth in their lives.”

According to Dr. Alberti, who admitted to experiencing bouts of loneliness, massage and aroma therapies have been found to provide comfort in moments of disconnection. “Because they’re things that tend to the body and make the body feel as though it has a place in the world,” she said.

Talk Therapy

“If it is possible, I really encourage people [experiencing loneliness] to work with a therapist because that’s the safe foundation through which they can strategize and consult and feel supported and also have an experience of connection,” said 34-year-old Megan Bruneau, often called “the millennial’s therapist” because of her work with that age group. Recently, she wrote the book, How to Be Alone (and Together).

When therapy is not an option, Bruneau recommends reaching out to lifelong friends, which is something she does when battling loneliness. By seeking out the company of people who make us feel safe and supported, she believes that we can move into a state that fosters deeper connection, which is when healing happens.

Sit With Your Feelings (even when they suck)

Mark Epstein, a practicing Buddhist, author and psychiatrist in New York City, often returns to the words of his first meditation instructor: “Stop trying to understand what you are feeling and just feel.”

Meditation, a recent study showed, can reduce loneliness and have a positive overall effect on one’s well being. Indeed, Dr. Epstein believes that instead of rushing to analyze our feelings, or changing, or escaping them, as we are apt to do, by sitting with our emotions, even painful ones like feeling lonely, we create an inner holding environment for these emotional experiences through a non-judgmental awareness.

“In paying relaxed attention to oneself in the everyday world,” he said, “a hidden kindness gets woken up inside of us. We can begin to start applying that kindness not only towards ourselves, but towards those who might need it. That kindness is really the key to dealing with loneliness.”

Volunteer

Psychology Today recently reported that volunteers not only live longer but 82% of older adults said that volunteering helps them feel less lonely.

Katie Wade, the director of Social Call, a national social connection program to help alleviate loneliness in people over 60, told us that her program is set up “to create one-to-one connections that feel meaningful for both the volunteer who’s making the call each week, and the older adult who’s receiving the call. We hope to really blur those lines so that it feels like both parties are gaining a new and meaningful relationship with someone they would otherwise never meet in their daily life. Which is pretty cool.”

Take a Social Media Break

Emery Bergmann, a 20-year-old Cornell University senior, discovered that social media heightened the feelings of loneliness she encountered as a freshman. She produced a four-minute video on loneliness that went viral in 2017. Recently, she spoke on our podcast about the need to take a break from social platforms, especially when she’s in a negative space.

“Social media is basically like personal advertising,” she said during our interview. She likened it to a platform for comparisons, which, particularly during times of feeling alone and less connected, only amplified those feeling because everyone on social media appeared to be having so much fun while she seemed boring and lonely.

“But just turning your phone off and removing yourself from all that, maybe taking some time to do something with your hands, like art, is really wonderful. Sometimes I just need to switch off and draw something, or listen to some music, or do something that’s peaceful and doesn’t require any sort of outside interference.”

Remember, You’re Not Alone

Loneliness can visit anyone. From social butterflies to introverts, married couples and singletons; urbanites, rural dwellers, young and old. While it is a deeply personal affliction, it’s also a modern public health crisis. Our world is more fragmented than ever, with life (even pre-Covid), no longer set up to make those more meaningful and deeper connections.

Robin Mazumder, an urban neuroscientist in Canada, who studies the effects of the environment on our brains, wants to fight this tide. He recognizes that people have to start living differently but he also wants policy makers and those in power to enact changes that will benefit our mental and emotional wellbeing.

“I don’t want people to place the burden on themselves for something that’s a societal challenge,” Mazumder said on our podcast. Instead, he wants city officials and urban planners to design towns with more communal areas and pedestrian walkways, as well as cities with more green spaces.

“I think healthy cities are cities that have not just adequate, but an abundance of green space. From a psychological perspective, the dominant theories suggest that it has restorative benefits on your psychological state. In my experience, just being in a green space is a pleasant one. It allows me to connect with myself. And I think that people aren’t connecting with each other maybe because they’re not able to connect with themselves.”

Sign up to be notified of the launch of Is Anybody Out There? at theconnectery.com