Why You Need To Mentally Prepare To Defend Yourself
By: Rebecca Ahn
Tags: Domestic Violence, Self Defense, Violence Against Women, Self Defence, Defense

Step 1: Embrace That It Will Happen To You

The first step is to embrace the fact that this can happen to you. And likely will. Every 73 seconds, someone in America is sexually assaulted. 1 in 6 US women will be a victim of rape or attempted rape in her lifetime.

Photo courtesy of Rainn.org

I know how you feel. I never thought it could happen to me either. Not really. You hear the horror stories and the statistics, but you still think it won’t be you. I didn’t. I was the quintessential tough girl even at a young age. I was the tomboy who did martial arts and played sports and lifted in the weight room with the boys during PE. I was a regular at the arm wrestling table at lunchtime. I anointed myself the unofficial bodyguard to my friends. I got a bit of a reputation for being a fighter. And I got in fights. So it was a huge shock to me when it happened.

Now my story wasn’t nearly as bad as it is for so many others. But that doesn’t make it any less real or valid. And the same goes for you. Remember that.

How It Happened To Me

Our relationship was troubled from the start, or very shortly after the start — as soon as the honeymoon period wore off, which was pretty quickly. There were many warning signs, many breakups, and a lot of emotional abuse. But I ignored all of them. Excused them away. Assured myself that he’d change, that he loved me, that it was worth it. And despite the warning signs, I still didn’t think it could happen to me. I didn’t realize it was already happening to me. I couldn’t see the reality I was in. He was my first love. My first everything. I thought this was what true love was supposed to be.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels

The night it happened, we were actually broken up. Temporarily. For the second time. But we were still around each other all the time, constantly hanging out with the same group of friends. That night we were once again drinking with those friends, but the situation was making me uncomfortable, so I left early. He followed me to my room and started sweet talking me, trying to get me to let him in. He grew more and more physical, trying to force his way past the open doorway.

To this day, I don’t really know what he was trying to achieve or how far he would have taken it. He might have just wanted to talk inside. He might have wanted more. It’s all a bit hazy now. Frankly, it was hazy even then.

But what I do remember clear as day was feeling terrified.

I remember desperately trying to push him back, keep him away, get him to leave. Even if I didn’t know why, I felt certain that letting him in would be a horrible idea.

As we struggled in my doorway, his hand suddenly flew up and hit me in the face. To this day, I don’t know if it was an intentional hit or just an accident. But I do remember the hit. It struck me near my left eye. And I remember the very first thing I felt was complete shock. Stunned that it was happening to me.

Thankfully that shock didn’t last long, because the anger set in very quickly. This was me. A tomboy. A trained fighter. Nobody hits me. NOBODY. I leapt at him and fought back. I remember the surprise on his face as I did, but I don’t know if that was surprise at what he’d done or at what I did in response. We fought in the hallway for I don’t know how long. I don’t even entirely remember how it ended. But somehow it did and he left. He never got into my room.

The next morning, my eye swelled up. People asked me what happened and I made up some excuse about an eye infection. I didn’t know what to say.

I didn’t talk about it to anyone. For years.

It took me another year to even get up the courage to end the relationship for good. Yes, I still took him back. Even after that night. He came to me shortly after on his knees. Literally. He begged me to give him another chance. Apologized profusely. Swore he’d never do it again. Said how much he loved me. How no one could love me as much as he did. And I caved. I took him back. And it took another year of ups and downs and ons and offs for me to fully accept that it was toxic, that I deserved more, and finally end it for good. Then it took several more years to process what had happened in that relationship, attack and all, and find the courage to talk about it with others.

I’ve come a long way since and I’m stronger for it now. But that doesn’t change the fact that it happened to me. And it can happen to you. It’s not a matter of IF it will happen, but WHEN. That’s the first thing you need to understand and accept. You can’t control it happening, but you can control how you react.

That’s the second step.