The Daily Disguise
By: Ankita Adhia
Tags: Positive Thinking, Insomnia, Covid 19, Healthcare, Reflections

I stood by the window of my living room, diving into a bag of “low sodium” Lay’s potato chips, at 3:20 AM. Yeah, I celebrated this decision with a little twirl, low sodium, woo-hoo! Wait… I know my proud moment of a health-conscious decision in the middle of the night doesn’t hold much value, but I promise it gets better.

Looking out, across the way to the B wing of apartment units, there were a few scattered lights on, similar to a game of Connect Four gone horribly wrong. As my gaze drifted across the brick building, my eyes fixed on a unit with a clear view of the interior, and I couldn’t help but wonder, “Is that guy actually awake over there or did he fall asleep with his TV on?”

Photo by Marina Khrapova on Unsplash

You see, sleep never came easy for me, but insomnia was now the most predictable event of 2020. In just a few hours, I’ll be handed a mask to wear for my eight-hour shift at the hospital. Everyone will begin their day with the same routine-hand sanitizer, mask and temperature check. We’ll desperately try to smile with our eyes to greet each other while I’ll secretly hope the wrinkles around my eyes don’t worsen with my exaggerated expressions. Each day when I put on the mask, I will lose a part of myself… or so I thought.

The truth is, before 2020, we each wore a mask, a disguise. We smiled for our patients to calm their fears, when in reality, sometimes their faith in us was more powerful than our ability to heal. We hugged our family and friends in excitement on a Friday night because sometimes, the last image we saw on the computer screen before the end of shift, was a medication order for a morphine infusion intended for comfort care. Here’s an obvious one: we occasionally escaped to the restroom because sometimes, we needed a moment alone to hide behind closed doors and remember how to breathe again after a code blue remained in flatline. Our masks were invisible and sometimes, we wore more than one design. Now, we blatantly wear masks but have only a thread of resilience to keep us from bursting at the seams. We now try to subdue our own fears, breakdown, display moments of weakness and crave those tight hugs more than ever. How incredible is it that we now reveal our true selves more freely without the essential signature smile? Well, it just so happens that I never found a lipstick hue that suited me anyway, at least no one is missing out on that rosy glow.

Hmmmmm… I’m running low on chips.

With just a couple hours left and my mind still restless, I scrolled through random articles on my phone. I kept myself distracted with articles such as, “Man dressed as giant rat takes subway mask requirement to new heights,” and “Tesla launches short shorts for real and the internet goes crazy.” Unfortunately, my resistance to temptation is limited and I found myself in my comfort zone, roaming through my photo gallery, all over again. Goofy pictures with family and friends and videos from my adventures overseas, all of which, now seemed out of reach; instead, my latest cooking experiments in lockdown dominated the photos in “Recent Highlights” and I had maxed out on storage space. My phone kindly asked in frustration, “Would you like to free up 16.4 GB?” but I repeatedly ignored the request. I refuse to delete the same five selfies with my bestie from our NYC trip last fall, because you know, each is from a slightly different angle.

I glanced out the window once more and noticed the soft light of dawn begin to diminish the contrast in light blaring from the TV in Wing B. I decided to quickly freshen up because, despite being awake since 3 AM, I was now running late. This, I’ll never understand. Reaching the main entrance of the hospital, I subconsciously embraced the norm-hand sanitizer, mask and temperature check. As I looked down at my feet, swiftly racing to begin the day, I pinched the top border of my mask onto the bridge of my nose. Suddenly, I heard a lady shout from across the hall, “Hey! Head up! Chin up!” I looked up to see another face in disguise. I smiled. For some reason, this is all it took and I knew. I knew, everything will be okay.

Note to self: Buy more chips.