Preemptive pardons: I played Monopoly all wrong
By: Shamontiel L. Vaughn
Tags: Monopoly, Preemptive Pardon, Donald Trump, Election 2020, Board Games

Preemptive pardons: I played Monopoly all wrong

If I could’ve foreseen Election 2020, I would never lose at board games

Photo credit: Suzy Hazelwood/Unsplash

To Whom It May Concern,

To every family member, friend and associate who has ever spent hours on end watching me debate the rules of Motownopoly (or Monopoly if I didn’t bring the Motown version with me) and smile a devilish grin when you landed on my property, we have an important situation to discuss. Throughout my childhood, I believed that the result of “Go Directly to Jail” Chance cards meant I do not collect $200 and do not pass “Go.” I was told it was immediate — whether I pulled this card via Community Chest or Chance card, or rolled doubles three times in a row.

Although I was still baffled I could collect rent, along with buying, selling and trading property while I was incarcerated, I would sit in there all day long trying to roll doubles again. I was too cheap to pay the $50 fine. But if I had a “Get Out of Jail Free” card, then game on. Otherwise I would just hang out in there and watch the rest of you play — until my third attempt of not rolling doubles and grudgingly paying the $50 fine anyway.

Photo credit: National Cancer Institute/Unsplash

But let’s get back to this “Get Out of Jail Free” card though. I don’t understand why you bunch of cheaters didn’t tell me I could just preemptively negotiate a “Get Out of Jail Free” card before I even went to jail. You saw the way I started this game. You knew eventually me trying to beat you nonstop during every single board game we ever played — including Risk, Life, Guess Who?, Clue, Memory, Pente and even Mall Madness — that I was going to end up in the pokie sooner or later in a game like Monopoly. You saw the body rolls and the head nodding every single time I counted the spaces the minute you rolled the dice, speculating on which spaces you kept landing on. Bankruptcy, be damned. I wanted my money! (And you know I for sure was never going to tell the police officer when I spin a “10” in Life. It’s up to you to collect that $5,000. I’m not reminding anybody of anything.)

But while I was trying to dodge Officer Mallory, somebody could’ve told me I could just break laws left and right on top of being greedy, and get released from jail before I went. Nobody felt the need to notify me that I could negotiate at least 20 or so preemptive pardons for other players, too. Thanks to the questionable president from 2016 to 2020, I now know where I went wrong and the hundreds of turns I lost. Dancing and shouting “Boom chick a boom boom!” if I won anyway does not suffice.

This official letter is to inform every last one of you that you owe me $200 and an extensive supply of “Get Out of Jail Free” cards the next time I can con you into playing with me again. I accept PayPal, Zelle and cash. I expect all of my money by the end of the day. The GOOJF cards can be mailed at a later date — still not clear if the postmaster is screwing up the mail system on purpose. If you think I’m kidding, you’ll find out soon enough when Jake the Jailbird gets released. We spoke plenty.