What the F*#k is a Balk?
By: J.P. Melkus
Tags: Comedy, Satire, Humor, Sports, Baseball

The Balk: Origins, History, and Histrionics

It is not only the most controversial call a baseball umpire can make, but based on the typical crowd reaction when one is called, the balk is one of the most controversial topics in all of American public life, just behind abortion, Confederate statues, and my proposal to burn the elderly for fuel. Yet despite the blood boiling rage generated by a balk call, most baseball fans have precious little understanding of the rule or its history

The word “balk” hails from the Anglo-Saxon word balca, meaning, “What happened just now?” Contrary to popular belief, the balk was not created during the 1978 off-season by Peter Gammons and George Will while in Macau on a week-long Rotisserie-league draft cum ether binge. Rather, it has been with baseball since the sport’s earliest days.

The balk first appeared as Rule 19 in Alexander Cartwright’s Original Rules of Baseball, published in 1845 under its original title, Ribald Tales of Bawdy Mulatto Housemistresses. By 1867, the rule had been concisely set forth in Section 7 of the Rules and Regulations of the National Association of Base-Ball Players, as follows:

[W]henever the pitcher moves with the apparent purpose of pretension to deliver the ball he shall so deliver it, and if he fails in either of these particulars it shall be declared a balk.

This fairly simple explanation has been expanded slightly since Reconstruction, but it remains just as comprehensible and straightforward as any other rule of the Great American Pastime. The most common balk occurs when a pitcher fails to come to a complete stop when taking up his customary pitching position, but before beginning his delivery. (And just by way of example, it is also a balk to pitch while not facing the batter.)

Some conspiracy theorists believe that the balk rule is so broad and obscure that it is now capriciously invoked by umpires just to remind everyone that they run the show, much like disturbing the peace charges or the First Commandment. This is clearly irrational cynicism; the balk rule is set out in black and white in the 1,757 words of Rules 8.01 and 8.05 of the current official rules of Major League Baseball. And before I forget, some umpires may interpret any lift of the pitcher’s knee followed by a throw to first to be a balk, while others require that a right-handed pitcher’s left foot cross the plane of the rubber or his right leg before a throw to first would constitute a balk.

The Basics

When a balk is called, all runners advance one based and if a runner is on third base, that runner scores. If there are no runners on base when a balk is called, a walk is awarded to the batter. Oh, and it’s also a balk if the pitcher, while on the rubber, steps to throw toward one base and then throws to another.

“I never called a balk in my life. I didn’t understand the rule.” — Former Major League Umpire Ron Luciano, who I believe may also be a Wu Gambino.

But What What About Me?

Despite the elegant simplicity of the balk rule, many fans are confused by it and thus unsure how to react when a balk is called. Fear no more. The proper reaction to a balk depends on whether the balker is on your’s or the opposing nine. If a balk is called against your team, the proper response is to: 1) Roll your head back in disbelief and say, “What the fuck was that?”; 2) Shake your head in disgust; 3) Sip your beer; 4) Mutter, “That is such bullshit,” to your buddy in the next seat; 5) Spend the next ten minutes arguing with that buddy about the ways a pitcher could or could not commit a balk while drinking beer; and 6) Get another beer.

On the other hand, if a balk is called against the Ny Mets or any other opposing squadron, the proper response is to: 1) Nod your head in recognition of your encyclopedic baseball knowledge, because you totally called that balk; 2) Say, “That was such a balk,” to your buddy in the next seat; 3) Spend the next ten minutes arguing with that buddy about the ways a pitcher could or could not commit a balk while drinking beer; 4) Get another beer; and 5) Balk, especially if the pitcher faked a throw to an unoccupied base, because that is also a balk.

Homer, every red-blooded American knows that when a pitcher delivers a pitch during a squeeze play or a steal of home, and the catcher or some other player steps on or in front of home base without possession of the ball, or touches the batter or his bat, then the ball is dead, the batter is awarded first base, the pitcher is charged with a balk, and the run scores. It is right there in Rule 7.07, kind sir. Now pay for your purchases and get out and come again!

Just as importantly, it is critical to react appropriately when an obvious balk is not called. If John Toss for the home team balks and it is not called, do nothing. However, if Ivan Throwmez for the opposing assemblage does anything other than pitch the ball to the catcher — absolutely anything — scream at the top of your lungs, “Balk! Where’s my balk?! Come on, Ump’, read the rules!” Then, explain to anyone within earshot why what just happened was a balk . . . unless you’re near me. If you’re near me, shut your ass . . . unless he threw the ball over the foul line, because that really is a balk.

The Balkopalypse

Despite its bell-like clarity, the balk rule remained the flat-chested tomboy of baseball rules until it blossomed into a taut, supple young woman at the beginning of the 1988 baseball season. It was then that Major League Baseball undertook to bring the long-neglected rule to its proper place in the pantheon of baseball boilerplate.

In 1988, Dave Stewart of the Oakland A’s had a record sixteen balks for the season, while Gene Walter, Bobby Witt, and Rick Honeycutt (also of the A’s) were each called for four balks in a single game. Don Heinkel of the Tigers had three balks in a single inning. That year, the staff of the A’s had an unheard of seventy-six total balks. On a side note, a pitcher can also balk by dropping the ball while his foot is on the rubber.

The balk’s finest hour, however, came during a four-day span to open the ’88 season, from April 10–13, 1988, sometimes remembered as National Balk Week. During that period, Bobby Witt and Rick Honeycutt set their respective American League records. That week as well, records were set in the American League for most balks in one game by one team: Milwaukee and Oakland[!] each had five on April 10th and 13th, respectively; and by both teams: A tie for six by the Brewers’ and Yankees’ April 10th Balk Off and the Balk-an peacekeeping mission played by the White Sox and Angels on April 12th. Never before or since in such a short period have so many balks been called. (Bob Shaw of the Milwaukee Braves had five walks in 1963, setting the National League record during another balk-enforcement stint.) Before I move on, if you’re pitching, don’t go to your mouth while on the rubber because that is a total balk.

“If another ump’ calls a balk on one of my guys, I will go out there with a bat. And I will hit him with it. And I won’t stop until he stops moving or I get tired, whatever happens last. And if anyone tries to stop me, I will do it to them too. Just watch. I dare you to stop me. I fucking dare you. Dave [Stewart] knows this. He’s down. He has brass knuckles in his glove. Terry Steinbach carries a fucking shiv. I am not kidding.” — Tony LaRussa, manager, 1988 Oakland A’s.

Also in 1988, the TV series Perfect Strangers reached its ratings peak. The show starred Bronson Pinchot as a lovable, moronic, vaguely Mediterranean immigrant named Balki Bartokomous. Balki! Though possibly a coincidence, this shows how the balk permeated the national zeitgeist in 1988 in a way that is incomprehensible today, in the age of baseball as a niche sport for old white guys who wear blazers with Wrangler jeans and New Balance sneakers . . . and the smartphones, I guess.

Balki balking.

Summation

In sum, the balk exists to protect base runners from being picked off by the deceitful pitcher who would feign a throw in one direction and then unexpectedly go another way, leaving the runner confused, embarrassed, kind of hungry, and, most importantly, out. Therefore, the balk, despite its misunderstood nature, serves an important purpose.

In fact, it is so useful in preventing unfair deception and surprise in baseball, I propose it be introduced into other areas of life:

The Date Balk

I had such a great time tonight, Steve. I’m so glad I met you. Maybe tomorrow we could go to that cocktail bar we talked about . . . with my boyfriend. And you could bring someone too! Balk.

The Job-Interview Balk

Steve, we really enjoyed talking to you today. We all think you are really top notch, and would be a great addition to this company. We would want you to start right away, and at a very high salary, of course . . . except that I decided to hire my dangerously unqualified nephew instead, so you won’t be starting at all, actually. Sorry. Balk for days.

The Mom Balk

Son, you know your father and I will love you no matter what you do, just as we would if you had been our biological child . . . woah . . . woops . . . Did you not know you were kidnapped from a maternity ward? Total balk.

The Judge Balk

Mr. Greenbaumberg, in light of the fact that this is your first offense, and because you seem to otherwise be a responsible person who perhaps had the misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and suffer a momentary laps in judgment, justice demands that your mistake . . . serve as an example to others. Two years. Amazebalks.

Coda

So next time you’re bemoaning a balk called on your team, or righteously applauding a balk called on the other, remember that the balk is a longstanding and perfectly understandable rule of baseball, which can be broken in over fourteen ways (like every unwritten norm of the Presidency, apparently). And no amount of arguing over what is or is not a balk will change that fact.

But before I go, if a pitcher begins his customary pitching delivery while not on the rubber . . . actually, that’s not a balk.

Just kidding. It is.

Craig Calcaterra