Please Pull Over So We Can Euthanize the Squirrel You Just Hit
By: Dustin Mark
Tags: Humor, Comedy, Animals, Roadkill, Euthanasia

Uber for Dustin? Great, thanks so much for picking me up. Beautiful car by the way, feels very smooth.

Oh no, did you feel that bump? I hope that wasn’t…let me check. God, no, it was — you just hit a squirrel. Sad, always sad. Oh well, it’s done. Will you pull over so we can euthanize it?

I remember the day my uncle introduced me to non-voluntary euthanasia. One tiny bump…I thought we’d hit a pothole but he knew exactly what happened, almost too quickly. I turned around and saw through the rear window of his station wagon the compressed lower half of a chipmunk. He hit the brakes and put the car in reverse, backing over the creature a second time to, as he explained, “put it out of its misery.”

Nice of my uncle to consider the chipmunk, which surely would have died a drawn-out and torturous death after being left so badly injured, but he took such little care in the execution. It costs me more money than I’d like, and I’m occasionally late for appointments, but I’m proud to say that since that day I have not hit an animal without putting it down humanely via lethal injection.

I keep a kit in my trunk, but for occasions like this I have a travel serum in my backpack. Come with me, I’ll show you how it’s done.

Oh boy, you got this one pretty good. Poor guy. First thing we need to do is turn it over to expose its belly. Here, put on these latex gloves; now the blood on your hands will only be figurative. I find that it’s easiest to scrape it over from one side, but whichever way you prefer. There we are.

Next I’ll need you to sign these documents: this one is an emergency pet adoption form and this one says the squirrel was incapacitated beyond return. Don’t worry, you’re not being blamed for its death, even if, well, you did do it. You are, though, acting as guardian for the squirrel. Normally it takes a government official to authorize your new role as guardian and executor of the squirrel’s will but I’ve talked to some lawyers and they don’t really mind if you fudge that detail with small wildlife.

Now that you’ve signed those, I, who received no formal education after high school, will carry out the euthanasia. But not before saying a brief prayer. If you’d bow your head I’ll lead us in Kel Maleh Rachamim, the prayer of mercy.

God, full of mercy, who dwells in the heights, provide a sure rest upon the Divine Presence’s wings, within the range of the holy, pure and glorious, whose shining resemble the sky’s, to the soul of this squirrel for a charity was given to the memory of his soul.

Amen.

So if you could hold the squirrel’s front legs apart — oh god, its eyes are still moving — I’ll prepare the syringe with sodium pentobarbital. By the way, I have talked with lawyers about this, and there’s not technically a problem, but if you could not leave a comment on my Uber profile that I keep a deadly barbiturate in my backpack that would be appreciated.

Here we go, right in the chest. Aaaannd he’ll be dead within the minute. Wow, tough to watch every time. Anyway, I’ve got a flight to catch so I can’t get into funeral arrangements, but we’ll leave him in your trunk and I’ll give you my cremator’s card. And here’s my pentobarbital guy’s number too, just text him saying you’re looking to donate books for the book fair and he’ll let you know where to meet.

Do you have an AUX cord, by the way? I have an animal dirge playlist that should last us until the airport.