Top 3 sexist things my mother tells me
Tags: Feminism, Women, Sexism, Gender Equality, Myths

Top 3 sexist things my mother tells me

Listen, I’m conscious that some of these phrases will sound outrageously archaic for some of you. Especially for those living in well-developed countries or are simply privileged.

Believe it or not, these are still very much fashionable in many countries from the third-world. (Even the notion of third-world is quite outdated. Honestly, no one has come up with a better one yet).

They are popular at least in my country : Algeria.

Algeria is, for those of you who don’t know, a proud North-African country.

Thus, “my mother” in the title not only represents my own mother but the mothers of a dozen of other women who shared their experiences one-to-one with me.

Let’s state the obvious : We all love our mothers. But, they are human and imperfect. And sometimes, they will say hurtful words that can’t be at all for our own good.

Interestingly enough, those words are only the reflection of a set of beliefs and social stigmas that have come down to them themselves, from their own mothers and their mother’s mothers.

Here, I’ll explore some of these innocently violent phrases that any woman from my society has at least heard once in her life if not everyday.

1) You need a degree to find a husband nowadays

This isn’t pulled straight from a Jane Austen novel, I promise. It-is-a-reality. Mothers here take whole-heartedly upon the mission to find the perfect fit for their daughters. After all, to marry them is to save them ! What a noble quest.

Preferably before their thirties though, or the young women will start to be whispered about. Poor woman is the woman who doesn’t marry at all. Oh she shall suffer. The spinster can only ever collect either pitiful looks or severe looks from, you guessed it, women. There’s no in between.

Now that you have a clearer picture of what is at stakes, you will understand that Marriage is an idealized country with a very difficult visa to get while the visa is the young woman’s degree. The higher the degree, the more opportunities men-wise she can get. How absurd is that? Go ahead and laugh.

Vocational training graduates constitutes 25.7% (354,000)of the working population, while higher education graduates constitute 24.9% (344,000 people) at 11% for men (99,000) and 51, 1% for women (244,000).

These stats show that 1 in 2 women would easily trade her diploma for marriage. I can’t believe those same graduates are unconscious or delusional. That’s just how strong the fear of being labelled a spinster is.

In my country, degrees can’t help with finding jobs, their original main purpose. Let alone find the right partner to share your life with. I don’t know much about marriages. Although, I’m sure, um, love (remember?), trust and loyalty should take centre stage. Alas! how far we are from those Shakespearean days.

2) Take that off! It makes you look like a man

The way you dress is the most controversial subject in Algeria. We’re a conservative and mostly Muslim people. Naturally, we have customs and dress codes that both women and men have to abide by, if they are to live in harmony.

I will not delve into the specifics. It’s beside the point. Though, I can try to sum it up for you : the less skin shown the better; the less tight-fitting the clothes are the better; I believe head-coverage is, at this point in 2020, optional in the biggest cities.

It’s funny. I’m 20 years old and I still have to survive my mother’s scan before I can head out. I have always been quite conservative innately myself. It’s what makes me feel the most comfortable in my skin. Thus, what I’m usually criticized about is not my excessive display of feminine features but my remarkable lack of it.

I’m the last born child and the only girl with three older brothers. Growing up, you could say I was Mowgli raised among a pack of wolves. Though, I’m not sure to which extent I’m a wolf myself. All I know is that my mother absolutely can’t stand the smell of wolves in me and she will let me know!

My mothers’ vision on femininity is quite, um, boring. In a word, she likes dolls. This is not a metaphor, it’s something she says. Her eyes light up when she speaks about a woman she admires. And she always starts in the same way: “Do you know this woman ? A real doll…”

I guess I figured early on that you’re better off as a boy in the world. So I’d drown my frail little girl’s body in my brothers’ large sweaters and hoodies. I did it during adolescence (extreme tomboy season). I still do it to this day when I’m outdoors by myself. Which leads us to…

3) You can’t do any outdoor activity alone (go preferably with a man)

Spend one day in the capital and you’ll observe how women are rarely seen alone in the streets. This may not be an issue in small mountain villages where a sense of appropriation and security is stronger.

They go about their businesses in packs of women or joined by a male. Like lionesses. Although, this policy may vary according to the outdoor activity we’re talking about. For clarity purposes, I’ll give you only one example: working out, and particularly running.

Going for an early morning run or walk is a privilege. I can’t afford to do that, even though it would suit my lifestyle best. It’s possibly a life or death situation. If I don’t end up in some ditch, I’d probably die from heart attack : the heart races as I run and from the anxiety of what might happen during the run. I don’t think I’m fit enough to handle both.

The climate of insecurity is what feeds those parental fears. I understand that. What bothers me is not being able to go for a run when the sun’s well high in the sky. During the week, me going or not going on a run depends 99% on my brother’s whims, my beloved knights! The 1% is generously attributed to the weather.

The solution ? Either I wait around for the weekend to come so I can go along with my father (a more disciplined creature thus a more reliable one).

Or, I can always run in athletics tracks which I dislike for two reasons. First, they ain’t free. Secondly, running is a whole lot more than just running. It’s a full-on visual, auditory and olfactory experience. I won’t dive into it but I’ll say this : I enjoy minimal change in scenery and being strictly a bird not a caged bird. Now is that too much asking ?

Some honorable mentions, include :

“You have to learn X skill (usually revolves around housekeeping) because your future in-laws won’t be merciful.”

My first point in its older form: “ You don’t need a degree, your future husband will provide anyway.”

Or worse, the threat: “If you drop out, I’ll have to marry you, young girl!” Such a classic.