December 17th, 2020.
Tags: Adulthood, Trauma, Depression, Open

December 17th, 2020.

Ultimately this year has been a rough year for all of us. There has been so much change in the world which caused a lot of uncertainty. My 2020 started off okay, I will still living with my parents and attending college. Neither of these things made me happy. My parents were toxic. My dad was on the verge of going to jail, and when he was around he was always so verbally abusive. My step mom was the same way. They were both very angry people who didn’t handle their emotions well, and they got upset over the absolute smallest things. Living with them was very hard, and I spent a couple years trying to move out. College was a whole other story. I worked a lot during high school and managed to saved up almost 10 thousand dollars. I didn’t want to attend college, at least until I had some idea on what I wanted to study. I spent 2 thousand dollars on a semester of college. I was skipping classes behind my parents back, not doing assignments. I was miserable, and eager to escape that life. I wanted more for myself, and I knew that things would only change when I changed it myself. It was scary, approaching my parents with wanting to move out was hard. I wanted to move in with my boyfriend, but I knew my parents wouldn’t approve. They have my savings locked away, and I knew getting them to hand it to me was hard. So I lied. I knew that this was the best thing, because they would find out the truth once it was to late to make me back out. I moved 40 minutes away to live with my boyfriend. I kept small contact with them, but having the freedom of living on my own was so nice. Unlearning their toxicity was hard, and there was a lot I had to learn about the adult world. But I’m lucky to have a boyfriend who is supportive and understanding. I managed to get my savings, and I cut ties with my dad and step mom. They were angry, and demanded I give a long explanation as to why I was doing this selfish act. I didn’t owe them an explanation. My mom is thankfully a great woman, and I have a very close relationship with her, so the fight of cutting ties with my dad and step mom was made a lot easier having my mom by my side. I threw myself into a world that I was so ready to discover, but I didn’t have the tools. I had a lot of trauma I needed to work through, and I didn’t know how. This led to a slight addiction problem for 5 months. I was secretly struggling and I wanted to reach out for help so badly but I was scared people wouldn’t believe me, because on the outside I was this happy young girl who had her shit figured out. Luckily one of my close friends realized I was having problems, and she helped me pull myself out of the darkness. My relationship was falling apart, I was having a hard time finding a job, and although my addiction had gotten better, I was struggling with depression. I called up my mom, who travelled 9 hours to come pick me up, and I spent a month at her house. It was hard, because I felt like I was losing everything. My friends, my relationship, myself. Little did I know, this time away was exactly what I needed. My mom was truly a life saver. She spent the next month devoting her time to helping me out. It was a long and hard month, but I came back totally refreshed. Some days are still bad, but things with my relationship are back to being okay, and I have so much hope that this next year is going to bring so much positive growth for me. And I am so lucky to welcome it with open arms, even with the uncertainty of what the new year will bring. I just know that I’ll be okay, things are hard but I have a good support team.