An Open Letter from Evolution to America 2020
By: Brian Kean
Tags: Innovation, Education, Evolution, Society, Election 2020

Dear Americans,

On behalf of evolution, this letter is being forwarded to all of you.

Many receiving this are not guilty of the infractions listed further down here; but like you, we have also had to lock-down and socially distance and so our own ability at keeping tabs on who is doing what has been greatly reduced.

Half of the team here at Evolution Inc, otherwise knows as EI, have voted to let you guys just keep up the “good” work for us, the consequences of your actions being punishment enough — sort of a like a survival of the fittest (or smartest) type scenario. The other half of the team wants to inflict small, temporary punishments with the caveat that if the behavior continues the punishment in question will be made permanent.

The tie-breaking vote falls to me. 2020 has been a stellarly stupid year. This year long surpassed 2016 for wackiness and has the whole evolutionary community abuzz — and, not in a good way.

A lot of behavior has been completely lacking in commonsense and as a result the year has been more deadly than usual. The Committee for Human Behavior convenes in the next couple of days — we had our annual meeting delayed due to a COVID scare — and so the final decision will be made shortly.

The coronavirus was one of those hundred-year tests we run to justify our own internal KPI’s. Between you and me, a lot the team here lost century-bonuses over the way most of you have so abysmally failed the test. I mean, let’s just start with that little bat. When we infected it and that knucklehead in Wuhan ate it, a lot of cash changed hands on side bets. But, as we all now know, never doubt what someone from China will or won’t eat. We often like to forget about that little mix up we put into them.

The expectation, however, was that the Rubik's Cube-like virus would be figured out rather quickly and defeated — I mean, few here at EI can even complete the Rubik’s Cube and yet some of you can do it in a few minutes. This silly virus should have been quite easy for you to solve.

We really underestimated, however, the effects of the 2016 election combined with the deadening power of Fox News. Pretty much, everything we instilled in your DNA screams — preserve life and most importantly preserve your own life! Some heads rolled here at EI when the whole mask lunacy began. There is talk in the corridors here that next year, a special project will be launched to slow the evolution-reversing — we jokingly call this “devolutionary” — effects of right-wing media.

The consensus was that your president would be toast when he said don’t bother wearing masks and use bleach in your veins (we were prepared to stop this, by the way). Instead, many of you became even more impassioned in your defense of him — wow! You really had evolution shaking its collective head over that and a lot of soul-searching — and single-malt drinking — took place.

So, already in hot water over a lot of really questionable decisions, when you made mask-wearing a political statement and started protesting to un-mask and infect yourselves, and others with this very deadly virus, let’s just say that the shit hit the fan here. Many at EI realized, the warning signs had been of the stupid pandemic had been missed.

This is why when the super-seeder rallies commenced, many just popped some corn, chilled beers and waited for the deaths to commence — and they have. The belief by some is — okay, we are weeding out the imperfections in the human strain. Stupidity is also an evolutionary hurdle. The Sturgis biker rally, for instance, threw back some of our work by a few hundred years; nevertheless, that woman pictured with your president tattooed on her breasts is now is the most popular screen-saver around the office.

Biden’s victory was a great relief; but then, the stop the count and count the votes hypocrisy launched by the right and Trump supporters, really got our synapses firing.

The complete mockery of the warnings signs we send about climate change, the illogic of saying guns don’t cause deaths, the mask thing, the election ignorance about whether votes can be counted past midnight on election day — this was actually so sad it was funny to many at EI — the absolute hypocrisy of so many who claim to be followers of Jesus yet they worship a Trump has led me to decide how I will cast my vote.

I don’t want anyone dying and so my vote is being cast for temporary punishment. It will be made permanent if there is one incident of armed revolt during a Biden presidency.

The punishment will be the following: All Americans will lose both of their thumbs for one month — December.

The thumb was one of our biggest successes here at EI over the past 50 million years or so. EI employees are still so proud that many to this day name their kids and pets names with names that play off of our masterful accomplishment— Thumby, Thumber, Thumb, Thumbooza, Thumbalooza, Thumbilit, Thumbulina, Thumbster, The Thumb, B-muht, Humby, Mutby, etc.

The punishment, I feel, fits the crime.

You guys have been so callously snubbing your noses at our ceaseless, behind-the-scenes, tireless work and now it’s time we showed you just how important evolution and the all knowledge and discoveries that come as a result of it really are.

Wise up or you will all be dropping a lot of mobile phones soon.

Oh and, good luck wrapping gifts this holiday season, dear Americans, with no thumbs!