Tarnished Images: My Battle with Depression Part 3
Tags: Art, Helping Others, Expectations, Youth, Trust

In my recent spiritual awakening attained over the last two years I have come to terms with the toxic side of my personality as well. In the past I was not right all the time. I was egoistic, vicious, brash, rude, stubborn, idiotic, unhealthy, stupid and at times very illogical and pathetic. I was a very layered multi- dimensional complicated emotional wreck, an incredibly difficult person to understand, deal and live with. The most toxic aspect me as an individual is my asperity and heartlessness when I am hurt and angered. I become a sadist. I enjoy inflicting pain on people who have given me pain and I do that with a smile on my face. I do not even realize what I had done even after seeing the repercussions or the condition of the people involved. After my public feud with Gargi , I left no stone un turned to bitch her out in front of everyone and anyone that I could find. I had cast aspersions and calumnies on her in front of a teacher in the class. I used to throw taunts at her to hurt her and make her feel worthless. I had even abused her father with so many people. I wanted to play with her mind, show her how it feels like to be in hell right here on earth and make her feel miserable. She was not that far behind in making me look like an idiot but I was pro at the games she had just learnt to play. When I was done driving down her whole life and her father’s name to the ground at school,I thought how could I spare my mother? It would be unfair if I just take revenge from two and leave the other? She slapped me without giving me a chance to explain. Anyways she had shouted on me in front of relatives and my cousins for one or the other thing which had made me super angry on her so she gave me more reasons to teach her a lesson. I could never forget and absolve myself of what I did to her. Sadly, I had already done it. My father was a strict vegetarian and allowed none of us to eat or cook non- veg food at home or outside. As my father was prepared to leave for office the next day, my mother was almost done cooking chicken for a relative grandfather staying at my aunt’s place. As there was some puja happening at my aunt’s place she asked my mother to prepare the dish because he had requested that he would love to eat if my mother makes it. She reluctantly agreed because she knew all hell would break loose if my father gets to know. Unfortunately for her I knew it as well. I went to my father’s room to return a pen I never took from him and said softly , ‘ Papa, the smell is so amazing, what is Mom cooking, do you know?’. He sniffed and he knew what was cooking. As he was marching angrily towards the kitchen, I went to switch off the television because I knew then there was no need of it. The entertainment bickering would be live that day. He entered the kitchen and I closed the door laughingly thinking that how would I ask him to lower the volume I should rather adjust to the increasing volumes and volcanic drama eruption which was about to take place. He shouted, ‘ What is it, what are you making?’. She said, ‘ It’s potatoes’. He told her show him. She finally admitted, ‘ I had made chicken not for me or children but it has to go to my sister’s place’. Then he started abuse mom’s family marathon, calling all of them sluts and whores and breaking plates, howling at the top of his voice. I was hearing every word that came out of his mouth. I was lying on my bed with a sardonic smile across my face savoring every moment of humiliation my father was attributing to my mother, his in-laws and their relatives. Because my mind was an immersion of hate and agony. Revenge was at its sail. It was a delight to my ears. A pleasure you gain by the act of watching, hearing and enjoying what you see and not by acting or doing. While my eyes were closed, I heard a clank of a slap. Worryingly I opened my eyes, unlocked the door, saw my father going out, I went towards the kitchen, I saw my mother curled up on the floor crying and wailing, her face was red and her eyes were seething with pain and sorrow, she could not see me but I could see her. I wanted to go up to her and lift her, as soon as I took my first step I got visuals of what she had done to me over the years, embarrassing me, insulting me, making me feel like and shit and inferior and second class treatment that I was put to. I took the step back , gave a revengeful smile with a teary eye and walked away. That day is a day I regret till today.

The heights of my arrogance and indiscipline knew no bounds in school either. I was in every teacher’s bad books and hit lists. But I refused to change. Creating ruckus in class, making fun of teachers and not allowing them to teach was my right hand’s play. I was even suspended by the Director of the school for one week for creating havoc in the Science’s teacher class. It was not the suspension that shattered me but the reason why I had got suspended because there are innumerable types of scandals that I had single -handedly executed but they chose to suspend me for such a little hassle. I pretended that I had viral flu at home, sat at home and enjoyed for a week, copied my parent’s signatures and submitted the card to the Principal’s chamber. As the pile of my controversial associations and scandals lined up one after the other, I could not risk sending my mother to the Parent’s Teachers Meeting so I had started sending my tuition teacher to the meetings and he used to act like he was my uncle and used to make excuses why my parents could not come. I used to steal money from my parent’s wallets and other covert places and printed a fake report card where all my grades were A or A+. My tuition teacher was my partner in crime and never revealed all the complaints that the teachers made about me but only sang praises about me. It was not very difficult to handle my mother because she was already preoccupied by my father’s licentious affairs and lies and all the monetary dealings that she had to do on my father’s behalf. I had stolen money to take phone, pen drives which I used to get from my tutor. My class teacher was upset with my bad behavior but I was saved by my Math Teacher who was our family friend. He used to assure her that he would talk to my parents but he used to beg me to stop making his class a playground.

Slowly there was a group of friends that I made, five of us, Afreen, Siya, Pratik, Adil and Lallan. I count it as five because Siya was a pointless and forced addition. Everyone disliked her because she was very irritating and she never used to brush her teeth. Everyone tolerated her because she was Afreen’s best friend. And we could not afford to offend Afreen because we had to set her up with Adil. Adil loved her and we started making plans. I used to act as a cupid whenever I was required to because I love to help my friends and see them in love. I used to have a mild crush on Adil but that did not last long because I came to know what was brewing between the two of them. So from placing a ring in the Domino’s pizza to proposing her on my apartment’s top floor or doing it in a free period in the class or going out to watch a movie. Our empty minds started doing rounds. First we hatched a plan to take her up to the top floor and leaving them alone for the proposal to happen. But then the plan was averted because we were unsure of how she would have reacted. She looked a little uncomfortable. They used to talk to each other on text and calls almost everyday. She was aware of Adil’s feelings but was confused about hers because she was still hung up on her ex. Before we could think we were already in Standard 10th. Afreen had started showing interest in Adil then quiet openly and freely so we decided to hit the rod when it is hot so it melts quickly. We decided to watch a movie together, Kya Super Kool Hain Hum and in the interval he would propose her. God knows what all excuses I had to make for that movie afternoon but I managed. Four of us came to watch the film one on each side to tackle the main two people involved. I told Adil, ‘Rejection leads to Dejection but you can always go for an alternative Selection’ hinting towards me. I was panicking more than those two. Even today I think what could have been so wrong in each one of our minds to have selected none other than an adult comedy with embarrassing sexual jargon and innuendos leaving all of us in splits but at the same time very flustered and disconcerted. Especially, Afreen who knew all along what was the purpose of this movie plan and what was coming her way. I was busy stuffing food in my mouth leaving the rest of the work to Adil. But he was hopeless and even after the beginning of the second half, he could not muster up the courage to propose her. But then a romantic song from the film ‘ Shirt Da Button’ played and at the end of the song, he proposed to her. That was a romantic masterstroke. I knew it because the excitement and happiness levels of a girl after a boy’s proposal can be deduced by how deep she digs her nails into the flesh of her best friend’s arm and trust me, I still might carry the marks of her exhilaration. So soon they started dating.

Secrets are not good keepers of friendship. And we all were not mature enough to understand the art of keeping and spilling secrets according to our convenience. I was drifted apart because most of the times love takes precedence over friendships and in this case, not surprisingly it did. Adil and Afreen were so involved in each other that suddenly a group of five became a group of 2+2+1. And again not astonishingly I was left alone. How weird it is that the two people that you got together became closer and you were suddenly out of the equation. But again I was not replaced for the first time but it still was hurting. So when current friends leave you out, you go back to your toxic friends because you are scared of loneliness. Everything was not as bad as it once was between me and Gargi. But she still was conniving and untrustworthy. There were bigger scams waiting to be unfolded. The first thing that I got to know was that teachers used to leak papers to the students who attended their private coachings at their homes. It included so many teachers and so many people I think were my friends.

Expectation is a emotionally excruciating and trust breaking exercise. When you expect something from someone and they don’t deliver, it causes immeasurable pain to the expectant as it was causing to me. I did not know what to say again. Helping your friends whenever they need you, being there for them, excusing them for the times they hurt you, for what? so they can hurt you again. It was quiet confirmed that Adil and Afreen used to get papers from teachers. But I was still stupid to ask. And the obvious answer was no. But wait for it, I was stupider to think that they are telling the truth.

But people could never stay long enough not without me but without needing my help. I used to feel like a village well from where everyone could draw water as much and as many times they want but never saw that I was getting emptier each time. But I decided to help out of my genuine concern of what had happened. She told me that she did not know what went wrong between Adil, Pratik and Lallan but they do not talk to each other, ignore each other and because of Adil, they were not even talking to her. I was surprised that she was more concerned about her friendship with those two and why did they stop talking to her rather than being worried all three of them. At her insistence I decided to assume the role of a dispute settler.

Well, I made a plan which worked out in more ways than one could think.