HOW TO GET THROUGH LOSING A CHILD AND OTHER LIFE TRAGEDY’S AND STILL THRIVE! Part 4 of 5
By: Lily Maul Evolving Bodyz.Com
Tags: Meditation, Losing A Child, Mental Health, Parenting, Grief And Loss

HOW TO GET THROUGH LOSING A CHILD AND OTHER LIFE TRAGEDY’S AND STILL THRIVE!

OUR OTHER CHILDREN AND MEDITATION

I like to start off each of these blogs in this series with a HUGE thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read them and for passing them along and sharing them. I have received so much positive feedback and have heard from so many parents telling me how helpful they have been so I am very grateful for that. Please keep sharing and if you have not read the others in this series, you can go back to part 1 and start from there anytime.

Losing your child is the single most horrific thing that can happen to you. BUT for those of us with other children, our pain is multiplied. I remember when the Sheriff gave me a picture of Sam to identify. I remember how cold the Sheriff was. He was completely careless about the fact that I had my younger son, 14 at the time, sitting right next to me. Without warning, the Sheriff just shoved the picture in front of my face without giving me a chance to shelter my other son from seeing it. Any chance or hope I had of softening the blow for my son that his brother had died, was gone. On top of having to hear that information, he now saw an image he will never forget that was unnecessary.

My boys are two years apart. Sam being the older one but Joey being the tougher one. I remember all of the times that Joey would make sure Sam was ok on the playground or the times that Joey stuck up for Sam when some bigger kids were trying to take advantage of him. It always made me smile and warmed my heart to see how protective he was over his brother. Like most siblings, they would fight like cats and dogs but if anyone else tried to mess with either of them, they would be the first to let you know you are messing with both of them, not just one of them.

It’s not just the child you mourn, you mourn the loss of your family dynamic ever being the same. The joys of watching them bond, play and laugh is gone. As a parent, we like to think we can fix every problem for our young children. A lot of our parenting pride comes from protecting our children and in this type of situation, you are just helpless. You can’t tell them everything is going to be ok because you know it won’t. You know that this has just changed their entire life and you have no idea how you are going to handle their pain or yours.

The same way we feel our heart has been ripped out of our body or a limb taken away, it must be very hard for their siblings to get used to not having a role as a brother or sister anymore too.

It is important to remember that not only are they going through pain as well but they deserve you to be here for them as much as your other child deserves you to mourn for them. At first, my response to mourning was all over the place. To be honest I could hardly take care of myself in the beginning, let alone understand the depth of the needs of my other son. It was like someone had given me psychedelic drugs. I can’t really explain the acceptance process in the beginning but it’s kind of like your body and mind cannot cope with the reality of that type of loss so you start to look for your child everywhere. You think you see them and hear them all of the time because you can’t process that they are actually gone from the Earth.

My younger son Joey, is the most happy go lucky kid you have ever met. He is generally happy most of the time and always looks at the brighter side of life. It was hard to gauge what he needed from me after his brother passed because he seemed to have it all in perspective but of course I knew he couldn’t possibly. I was very afraid that without therapy or some kind of outside help, he would end up imploding. But therapy just isn’t for him. So I decided I was going to teach him to meditate and I was going to do it in a way that wasn’t just related to losing his brother but as a tool to manage stress, grief and life. Because I felt if I had made it all about grief, Joey would not of been so open, because to emerge himself in grief, doesn’t work for him.

I was also and am also aware that the things I cannot bring myself to do, like hang pictures or look at pictures which is very very hard for me and can be a trigger, but for Joey, it is a joyful experience that seems to help him. So I had to find a way to be comfortable with that so I can be there for him and engage in the things he finds therapeutic which may not be the same things I find therapeutic.

MEDITATION

Meditation has been life changing for me. Especially in the last few years. To be honest, I had lost faith in God for a while and I know that is completely normal and I am sure a lot of you can relate to that. Eventually I found my way back to faith but I credit meditating as one of the tools that helped me to do that. I meditated on trying to understand how a God and tragedy can exist together. The answer I found for myself, was that I believe in free will. I believe we have free will and therefore tragedy’s and illness, poverty, violence, evil and starvation exist because these are things people cause having free will. But when a loved one is taken from you, I would like to believe their soul is now taken care of and they are with God, free of pain and struggle. I would like to and do believe that death can be God’s way of relieving a person’s pain. Whether it be emotional or physical or both. I chose to believe, because it feels right to me, that God can be there in your time of need to comfort but may not be able to control outcomes the way we think. I believe once our souls are in his hand, that is when his work comes in. I believe in many things that I once didn’t. Whether as a way to cope or because it feels true to me. I like to think God takes care of our souls after life and those souls become our angels who, if we have faith in them, can help take care of us while we are still here. Meditation has helped me to try and make sense of all of that and I am still learning what feels right to me to believe. There is no right or wrong thing to believe. But to believe God took your child as an evil act or there is no God when you once believed there was because you lost your child, can be damaging to you but it is also personal and up to you.

I started learning about meditation when I found out my Dad had inoperable pancreatic cancer about 10 years ago. I absolutely owe most good things and good relationships I have in my life to meditation. It has been the most valuable tool for me in life hands down.

Meditation is NOT as complicated or as difficult as it has been portrayed. There is no right or wrong way and there is no way one that is the ONLY way. You do NOT have to sit without having any thoughts. You don’t need any equipment and you can do it anywhere. I found learning and applying meditation to be the single most important tool for a mentally healthy life.

Before I get into the basics of meditation and how you can apply it, I do want to be open and honest as always and tell you that after my son passed away, It took me close to a year to be able to meditate again. I tried and tried but I just couldn’t get myself into a place where I could sit, alone in the quiet without the sadness and depression being overwhelming. Even though I know better and know that meditation is most effective during times of stress and tragedy, I had a hard time getting back into it but I persisted and eventually I did, and it transformed me again.

HOW MEDITATION CAN HELP WITH GRIEF

I think if you adopt a meditation practice that works for you, it is not going to lessen the grief but it will help you deal with it and it is a tool to help you function in a healthier manner and provide you with some internal peace.

HOW DO YOU MEDITATE

A lot of people shy away from meditation because they assume it’s something you have to be able to “clear your mind” of all thoughts to do. That you have to sit in a dark quiet room and cross your legs and breathe a certain way. It seems intimidating to some people but the truth is, there is no one way to meditate. It doesn’t require experience or to rid your mind of all thoughts. That is a misconception and it stops many people from ever trying.

I think the best way to start is for 2 minutes only everyday. Sit comfortably. Sit somewhere quiet. There is no pose that is required. Be comfortable. Sometimes for me it is lying down on a mat and other times I sit up. Do not worry about the thoughts going on in your head and don’t try to stop them but rather, try not to “hold on” to any one thought. Just let them flow. This does take practice so understanding that from the beginning will help you greatly. DO NOT put pressure on yourself. This takes time and cannot possibly be mastered in a few sessions.

The objective is to slow down your brain and the noise in it so you can sort through your thoughts properly and your feelings so you can deal with them. I also love the fact that meditation is a quiet time to connect with my son on the other side. We spend so much time wrapped up in grief and we have so many flooding emotions that it is hard to focus on just spending time trying to connect with them.

I like the idea that praying is talking to God and meditation is listening. Meditating gives your brain a chance to slow down so you can actually come up with solutions to problems, have constructive ideas and let creativity flow. It allows you to see hope again and have faith that you can live a life and that your life is still very very important here.

I read a book about 10 years ago called “The Power Of Your Subconscious Mind” by Joseph Murphy. This book REALLY helped me understand meditation from a scientific level. It was a great guide for me to get me started. I highly recommend it. There are a lot of books and “types” of meditation but if you are overwhelmed and not sure what is right for you. Just start with a couple of minutes each day, religiously, of sitting quietly and trying to allow your thoughts to flow through your mind without sinking into any particular thought. If you do this everyday, you will soon begin to find your meditation practice growing organically without stress.

Take your time and be patient with yourself. You are grieving and you need to allow yourself time and space to heal.

~ Be kind and gentle with yourself. You are a beautiful child of light. Precious as the stars in the sky. Keep peace in your heart during the chaos of life. ~ Chantelle Renee.

Written by Lily Jaffy