Grief and the divine Yes to life
By: Vanessa Codorniu
Tags: Healing, Love, Our Ancestors, Grief And Loss, Living

Life is precious and we must live even if fear whispers that we must shut down. Shutting down does not save us, only delays the pleasures of being fully alive. We must continue to expand beyond our societal and ancestral stories- we must continue being the pathfinders as our elders cross the rainbow bridge and even as we are invited to become the elders ourselves.

Everyone mourns differently. Some can stop their life and are called to that intensely. That is right for them. Many of us, if not most have to rise every morning, show up for work, family and life. It’s all happening at the same time. We are needing to process as we walk, as we breathe as we work and as we continue to grow even if those that we love are no longer here physically.

I am one of those that weaves my dark nights of the Soul even as I embrace my love, weep daily or am joyous with my beloved, my friends, cats or experiencing my students growing confidence and growth. I trust my capacity and resilience to hold it all. I witness myself in this space and I also am flowing within it.

Yet I feel that modern trendy spirituality has overlooked what earth-based, witchy and indigenous understandings hold true, that we are always in a birth/death/rebirth cycling through in our relationships, careers, businesses and even in relationship to who we are. We are constantly dying and being born as we live- and having people you love pass away or suffer exemplifies that truth that life holds all experience and whether we like it or not- we are here for all of it.

I feel that when we claim this we are stepping into an empowered space that allows us to feel joy and expand even in sadness, loss and contraction. I cannot hold too tightly to my pain because it would not be aligned. For me it is waves and ebbs and flows. I will not grab at it as a shield against life or living. I let my pain mix and weave with all the beautiful experiences and realities I am living. I am grateful for the therapy, sweat lodges, trainings, guides and deep work of this life that I’ve done to get me here.

I am not my tears. I am not my pain.

I am not my loss. I am not their suffering.

I am not my own suffering.

I am their hope.

I am their sacrifice. I am their joy and I am the rule breaker And the tradition keeper. I strive to be all of my/their best and I hold space for healing for all my/their fears and limitations.

As I said in the beginning, we all mourn differently and it’s our path perhaps to understand and support ourselves in our own way and no two will have the same experience. We are as unique as the tears we shed.

I am here for all of it.

In this last year I feel I can extend my hand and almost too easily slip into the other side. Reality feels gossamer and truth ever unfolding. What is important and real to me is ever more clear, ever more present and as these veils continue to be so

I feel the deep calling to be all that I am in honor of those who have walked before me. While you may have noticed that I have done tons of trainings this year and have two retreats coming up and a June wedding, I am still mourning my father, watching ( albeit from a distance) my mom handle pain and my siblings rising to the occasion beyond expectations. I am preparing a wedding where my father will not dance with me in body and my Mami may not be able to even watch on a video. The Mami that has been through it all with her four kids and her four kids and their partners are now standing with her. And I am still preparing it joyfully because I am deep awe of what I have created in my life. My Ancestors, parents and family have everything to do with who I am and how I am living.

I am in a loving and supportive relationship and family, I am surrounded by friends that love and support me. My business is flowing even though I may not have been able to release podcasts in the queue or write newsletters. I am reaping the effect of the energy shifts, of the work, of the forgiveness, of the sacred No’s to get to my most Divine YES.

My Divine YES. Exhale….

The YES to myself. The YES to keep rising. The YES to not be broken by expectations placed on women and the YES to commit to the life that would serve ME best…knowing that as I had the courage to serve myself that yes, I also would be serving my people, my clients, my communities.

The divine YES keeps me in this flow available for all of it.

It’s been hard. It’s been scary and every day I give thanks that even more than any generation of women in my family, I can choose my divine YES. And so it is, so shall it be. Ache, Aho and Amen!

And my guides asked this weekend, “ You are living what you created years ago…and now? What do you create now?’

This awareness blew me away and I began to feel into that answer. Are you there as well? Are you living the outcomes of many micro-decisions and choices that have brought you to this powerful now? where you are still invited to shift, expand, feel and be as best serves your intuitive knowing and not a societal decree.

I share here because I was moved to. I share here because it’s not all wedding planning and business expansion. I share because we need to see healers, teachers….HUMANS truly being that, being all of it and being alive even through the challenges.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. Thank you for witnessing. Wherever you may be, however you may feel today, I honor where you are and send you so much love that you may have the courage to see the good in all that may be worrying or weighing you down.

A wise woman, a High Priestess shared that her experience of the loss of her mother brought her tremendous power, resilience and capacity for Life. Blessed be, sister.

May all our losses, sadnesses, challenges bring us a tremendous power, resilience and capacity for LIFE.

mucho amor,

Vanessa