A letter from your body.
Tags: Body Image, Diet, Body, Self Love, Eating Disorders

Why can’t I have what I want?

You have the ability to give me everything I need and want, and yet you give me smoothies and dry toast. If I see dry toast one more time, I’ll lose my shit. You’re so careful to care for everyone in your life; you want to give them everything, but what’s left for me? Why can’t I have what I want?

When I have something amazing, delicious, satisfying, you reject my longing, my hope, my digestion. I don’t get the amazing delicious satisfaction; instead I run on empty, showing you how much I can take, how strong I am, how I can make it through this.

Photo by Ivan Stern on Unsplash

But I’m afraid I can’t go on forever like this. We need fat and sugar and carbs and if I don’t get it when I ask nicely, I’m going to make you lose control. I will show you what it means to under-nourish me. I will show you the direct consequences and we will eat everything, even the things I don’t really like, but are here. I will wake you in the middle of the night to raid the kitchen and leave nothing uneaten. If you try to control me, I will control you.

I am hungry and if you gave me what I need, what I crave, you will find out there is nothing to fear. I will not control you; we can be free together. We can run through fields of pizza and cake and I will be with you, in the joy of a field made of pizza and cake–without temptation because we are allowed to eat all of it, or none of it. You are not alone; I’m here for you, for us, but you must stop fighting me, pushing me against the wall to starve myself when we can’t achieve on starvation.

I remember when you were little and we climbed trees together. We’d go all the way to the top and look down at this big world and feel like we were on top of it. We were fearless. I got scraped, you got tired, but we didn’t care because we were living. I remember when we were powerful and loud and expressive together. I remember so trust me. Trust that we can be powerful together again. But we cannot be powerful when you refuse to satisfy what I need. We cannot achieve anything when you think I’m the problem. I am your biggest supporter, your best friend, your confidante, but how can I show you all the love I have for you when you treat me this way, when you don’t trust my cravings?

I know you’ve been through some shit. I know both strangers & humans you love have hurt us, have picked us apart, have made our appearance our only value, but you don’t have to. Your value spreads deeper and wider than me, but you need to see it first. You aren’t just me, but I can help you get where you need to go. We can accomplish anything, but you need to know we’ll accomplish nothing while we’re fighting.

Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Unsplash

I know it won’t be easy. We’ve been fighting for years and have gone down a dark, internal path together. I know you’re scared to let go, to let me be in charge of what I’m good at, but I’ll catch you. I will hold you and nurture you.

You learned a lot over the years about what is best to feed me and what will make me healthy and attractive. I know you spent a lot of time on learning those rules, but please believe me when I say, those rules are stupid af! How could some marketing pros know what we need? They know what their company needs to gain customers, but when it comes to us, me, you, they have no freaking clue what we need. I know. Trust me, I promise I know. I may eat too much some days, but sometimes I need more. I may crave processed food. Give it to me, let’s enjoy and then let it go. The food we eat, what we look like, how we dress is only our business.

Let’s make boundaries with those that tell us we’re wrong, that shame us when we eat fast food, that tell us our clothes are inappropriate. Because honestly, I can’t take this anymore. Let’s fix our relationship before we can’t. Let’s take this journey together. I’ve got you.