5 ways to strengthen your empathy going into 2021
By: Michael A. Tennant
Tags: Relationships, New Years Resolutions, Empathy, Leadership, Self Improvement

Everyone is born with it. Empathy. Even still, those who use it to create change on a grand scale, nurture that ability with guidance, education, and intentionality.

Take the great Dr. Martin Luther King for example. The son of a Baptist preacher, the grandson of a Baptist preacher, and the great-grandson of a Baptist preacher, he used the empathy in his DNA to create great societal effect.

A contrasting yet important example is Steve Jobs. In a 2012 article for Harvard Business Review, author Walter Isaacson states:

“Instead of relying on market research, he honed his version of empathy — an intimate intuition about the desires of his customers. He developed his appreciation for intuition.”

He would then wield this version of empathy to great effect by adhering to three principles. “Empathy”, “Focus”, and most important for Jobs, “Impute”.

It is this value “impute” that is most responsible for Jobs’ phenomenal effect on his company and the world.

Some have referenced this as the “reality distortion forcefield”. Jobs understood humankind’s desire to experience freedom through making a difference in their worlds. Apple’s mission “To make a contribution to the world by making tools for the mind that advance humankind,” speaks to the human connection to creating societal change.

It is in the act of imputing his focus on his version of empathy, that would yield such phenomenal results. Jobs was able to ascribe his clarity and commitment to Apple’s mission to his employees, products, and customers.

Bless us all if we manage to wield empathy to even a fraction of a degree of these great leaders. But alas, we all start somewhere.

Step One: Acknowledge Your Bias

I usually end on this step, but if you want to jumpstart your personal empathy Bootcamp, this is the place to start.

We all have biases. Based on our backgrounds and upbringings. Based on our age and relationship to the generations before us or the group that will follow.

We are unique, yes, in some ways. But we are also more patterned and influenced than we sometimes acknowledge.

As social beings, we can overlook the safety we’ve cultivated by surrounding ourselves with people who speak, think, and look like us, and acknowledging these safety zones can prepare us for the moments and interactions that don’t fit with that picture.

Step Two: Slow Down and Listen to Your Body

Oftentimes, our minds race or we are quick to produce actions and words in moments that require empathetic thought before action.

Our bodies provide data about our emotional reactions to scenarios. For example, when my body is warm and my heart rate is elevating, I might be feeling anger. If my shoulders and abdomen are tense, I’m likely feeling fear. When my brows are loose and my stomach feels comfortably full, I feel joy!

By having a better understanding of my body’s relationship to my emotions, I can predict intense feelings ahead of time, leverage tools to regulate them, or alter my mood through intentional responses to the awareness of my body.

Step Three: Become Hyper Aware of Your Situation

The thing about bias is that it appears to have a direct correlation to privilege. This is one of the most important factors of empathy training. Acknowledging that our perspectives are siloed, but our worlds are not.

Next time you enter a room, slow down, and ask yourself, what are the dynamics of fear and judgment at play in this situation? What are my commonalities and my differences? Do I have a position of dominance or inferiority vis-à-vis my title, gender, race, or capabilities? Do people like me, outnumber other individuals represented? Does this affect how I feel? Does this affect what other people might be feeling?

I’ve come to understand that as a medium-sized black man, from a lower-middle-class urban background and immigrant parents, I do this more instinctively than some of my taller, lighter-skinned, and more affluent friends. But, I also acknowledge that I will encounter situations where my commonalities, and honed abilities to read and project them, might give me an easier path to connection than others in the room.

By acknowledging the other perspectives in the room, you can be more intentional about how your presence adds to the collective safety in any situation.

Step Four: Create Safety for Connection and Vulnerability

We all have the power to foster safety.

At my consultancy Curiosity Lab, this starts with modeling and protecting vulnerability.

If I’m leading a group in making meaningful connections, I often start with a set of ground rules to protect individual boundaries and confidentiality. I then share a personal story.

I share how I’m feeling at that moment, as I shake off fear to meet new people and lead them. Most people, even extroverts, can relate to this feeling and the act of trying to hide it. This simple gesture says I’m here with armor down. My intention is to be open and honest with you.

I continue on to share a story that is personal and vulnerable. By setting guardrails to protect the safety of the space, sharing how I am in the moment, and sharing a story that is personal, I show the group it is ok to feel fear and stay open. I also show the group that it’s ok to reach beneath the surface to share something real.

Step Five: Listen to Understand, Not to Negate

I am working hard at this one. Old habits die hard. When my insecurities and defensiveness are triggered, my protective instincts spring into action to protect me from the perceived imminent danger.

This split reaction is what happens in most difficult conversations in which none or few of the parties involved have a deep understanding of empathy. This feeling of danger begins to overwhelm the situation at hand, creates a greater emotional burden, and most often, ends in an impasse.

No one wants this. All parties lose, even if only in fractions of concentration and emotional burden.

The first 4 steps focus on what it takes to have a shot at listening with empathy and navigating around tense situations.

It seems simple, but most of us are bad at listening. We are always on the go. If we aren’t finishing the next persons’ sentence we’re on our phones googling our response to make sure it’s correct.

At best we are in a culture of reduced attention spans and at worst, one that defaults to protection and prosecution. The final step is dropping preconceptions, and just, listening.

Over time, through practices of meditation, yoga, and journaling, I’ve strengthened my abilities to slow down, focus, and gather information from my mind and my body. Through deeper awareness of myself, I now have a clearer sense of my values and biases, which allow me to be better at quieting my inner voice when my intentions are to listen and really empathize with a person or situation.

To put it a bit more terse, I’ve started to understand my shit. And you can too. Luckily there are ways to increase one’s empathy regardless of your baseline, and these are just a few.

Tips born from my personal mission to “lead with grace and curiosity”, and that reflects my professional mission to “develop products, content, and experiences that change societal narratives.”

By sharing my mission and tools with you, you know my “why”, and if it resonates with you, I encourage you to reach out to see if there are ways we can collaborate. I wish to share my knowledge and gifts with the world and impute you all with the empathy necessary to leverage your platforms, tools, and resources to spread empathy.

Until then, I offer you this personal mantra. “The goal always, is to hear, feel, and relate.” Save the negotiation for the next exercise.