A question for the end of the decade
By: Michael Kazarnowicz
Tags: Year In Review, Success, Decade In Review, 2020, Questions Worth Asking

With a new decade looming on our threshold, many are looking to summarize the decade. My friend Martin Palacios made an astute observation when the tweet above became popular in our bubble: it’s easy to focus on accomplishments — but that doesn’t say much about who you are, only what you’ve done. In a way, it’s a question that encompasses the decade of social media: we can create a highlight reel of successes and ignore all the shitty and failed behind the scenes footage. We become willing contestants in a zero-sum game where our successes become less, or failures become more, because of the lists of others.

The real question we should ask ourselves is: “who am I now compared to who I was then?”

Accomplishments change us, and not always for the better. Power and money corrupt us, just like water hollows out a stone. The world around us shapes us by weakening some parts while heartening others. It’s good to keep track of achievements, but looking at them without looking at how they changed us is like looking at the balance of your bank account without looking at where the money came from, or what you spent it on.

I know people whose list of accomplishments the last decade would make them look like heroes. Others would look like total losers. In many cases, looking at who they are now and who they were then nuances that image — because success corrupts us if we don’t put safeguards in place.

A list of what I would accomplish the coming decade would not surprise me as much as a description of how I would change. A list of accomplishments would ignore the works of art that I’ve consumed, that changed me in ways accomplishments never could. I doubt many would agree that watching all five seasons of Killjoys is an achievement, yet it taught me so much about narratives and sci-fi tropes, and it brought me many hours of joy. I could list the number of lectures I’ve done, but that would not acknowledge all the lectures and talks I’ve watched, the insightful pieces and conversations I’ve had that changed me in subtle ways so that I could be an even better lecturer and storyteller.

Compared to ten years ago, I’m less sure of who I am, which has allowed me to get to know myself better. I’m less sure about my knowledge, which paradoxically has made me more sure of myself. I no longer identify as my title, I take myself less seriously, and I’m no longer afraid to die. I’m more honest with myself and others, and I’ve found ways to be honest that aren’t as blunt as a decade ago. I am no longer restrained by all the things I know I am, because each thing I am has an opposite that I cannot be. If you’re a grown-up, you cannot be a child. If you’re intelligent, then you cannot be a fool. If you’re a good person, then you cannot do bad things. I no longer see myself as a good person, but I try to act kindly. Even if I fail a lot of times, I succeed more often than ten years ago. I’m friends with the darkness, even if that friendship sometimes feels destructive. I allow myself to feel things, and express those feelings instead of nipping any uncomfortable emotion in the bud. This also makes the periods of anxiety much worse, but if that is the price I had to pay, it was worth it.

Now that you’ve read this far, I’m curious: who are you now, compared to then?