Waiting for the Fat Lady to Sing
By: Prajinta Pesqueda
Tags: Recovery, Narcissistic Abuse, Mental Health, Narcissism, Betrayal

Waiting for the Fat Lady to Sing

Recovery from abusive relationships with disordered partners can be a long and difficult journey, but unlike the narcissist or sociopath, we can actually heal and become whole. Prajinta Pesqueda Follow Dec 11, 2020 · 7 min read

Gwen King @ Unsplash

The only closure you get from a narcopath is the one you give yourself.

I dressed up with my little black dress and matching bag, channeling my Audrey Hepburn minus the Breakfast at Tiffany’s big hat. I arrived early and took my seat just a few rows back from the orchestra pit. I sat in eager anticipation, clutching my program, fiddling with the tiny string of pearls as if they were rosary beads.

I waited. Then I waited some more.

But the curtain never lifted, and one by one, the crowd dissolved until I was the only one in the huge performing arts center. Something had gone awry. The performance could not go on. Where was she?

The lady. You know the one. The fat one who performs the coda, the final scene that would enable the much-needed catharsis. The purgation. Absolution. And most importantly. . . closure.

At the end of a relationship with a person suffering from a personality disorder, why is closure not allowed? I have been waiting for a year and a half, and I am still unable to achieve a sense of ending and letting go. Unfortunately, there are many reasons why this is quite common if not the norm. Recovery is slow and painful as victims work through a plethora of issues following narcissistic/sociopathic abuse. Hoping that the narcopath will wake up and step into the real world is a hope that many cling to even years after they have been discarded and are not even a spot in the rearview mirror as the narcopath speeds away leaving only clouds of dust and despair.

But one thing is for certain. People who suffer from Cluster B personality disorders like narcissism, sociopathy, and psychopathy can never ever overcome their mental health disabilities enough to become healthy individuals. By far, the majority of experts and mental health professionals agree that this disordered group is one of the few demographics on the DSM chart of mental illnesses that do not have positive outcomes and cannot be effectively treated. There are probably numerous reasons for this, but their inability to be self-reflective or accountable for their actions is certainly an obstacle. Add to that their inability to acknowledge reality and leave behind magical thinking, delusions of grandeur, and blame-shifting, and you have a person who is untreatable.

Most of their partners become painfully aware that the prognosis is grim and any hope of recovery is futile and forever out of reach, yet they have such difficulty accepting it and letting go. It is because of a dysregulated brain flooded by chemical imbalances and physiological issues where trauma is stored in the body. It is because of intermittent reinforcement like a cycle of torture that conditions our brains to wait for the reward and endure the suffering over and over and over again. It is because of trauma and C-PTSD and anxiety and panic attacks that render us helpless. It is becuase conventional mental health professionals and doctors often know little about this kind of recovery and can only offer misguided platitudes about grieving and a handful of prescription medications to help regulate our emotions. It is because family and friends have no idea why this is not your regular run-of-the-mill break-up with a mourning period and quick resilience to recover and move on. They have no idea that this kind of recovery is not a broken heart but also a ravaged soul and body and mind.

And when we do unpack it all and do a deep dive to learn about Cluster B personality disordered partners, why is it so difficult to reconcile with the head and the heart? What we know about these broken and mentally impaired people tells us one thing in our heads, but our emotional thinking tells us something else altogether in our hearts.

The narcopath does not give their partner closure in the end when they discard them and treat them inhumanely. There are many reasons for this fact, but that is another topic for another day.

Let me tell you a story to illustrate my point.

Many years ago, I decided to adopt a dog from the local shelter. I had always had a canine companion and had recently lost my sweet little teacup poodle, Muffin. I wanted a big dog now — one that could offer some protection as well as friendship, one that was less yappy and frenetic. A week later, I brought home a beautiful black lab named Guster.

From day one, Guster was a challenge. The one and a half year old drank from the toilet, jumped up on people, humped any body part available to him, and ran through the house knocking things over and tearing things up. He pissed all over everything marking his territory. You get the picture.

Ryan Phillips @ Unsplash

I tried obedience training, a shock collar. and numerous other techniques from treats to bribery in order to gain control and learn to manage my wild canine. After many months, it became apparent that Gus was going to find a way or make a way to escape the confines of his yard space to run free, sniff out females in heat, and enjoy the unfettered joy of life “off the chain” (that’s a metaphor — I would never chain an animal).

I think he loved me. He got all wiggly and climbed into my lap and licked my face and did the whole happy dance with his legs up in the air and his genitals coming out in all their splendor and glory.

My husband and Guster had quite a bit in common.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe in the fierce loyalty of dogs and their ability to bond with their owners. But that wasn’t the part that he had in common with my narcopath. It was the lack of a conscience or any awareness of morality or ethics. Dogs don’t think about such things. They pick up a scent on the wind, and they develop super-powers as they leap over barriers in a single bound like superman to get to that smelly little bitch down the block. They go have themselves a “good time” and return home in time for breakfast. Nothing will contain that call of the wild.

Narcissists and sociopaths live their lives much like animals with no ability to have things like object constancy, fidelity, guilt, remorse, accountability, compassion, mercy, empathy, and most of all — love. They clamour into your lap and lick your face and play nice and lovey-dovey, then off they go into the night.

You want to know what happened to Gus? I farmed him out to a family who actually lived on a farm so he could roam free. I checked on him a few times over a couple of years until the last time I called they said he disappeared one night and never returned. They suggested a predator larger than him or perhaps an unfortunate encounter with a truck on the road nearby had most likely ended his wild days. Either way, he had his freedom to just be a dog with no thought of how his actions might worry his owner of end up getting him killed.

Poor Guster.

And poor narcopath.

They are off the chain, running wild with a kind of weightlessness and freedom that only comes from being so empty inside.

Maybe they serve a purpose. Maybe they come to us to wake us up and show us the holes and gaps in our own soul so we can do the hard work of repairing it.

Sometimes I think of Gus and imagine him just showing up and jumping up on the sofa beside me. And sometimes I think of my disordered husband and imagine him just showing up at the door, worn out from life as a stray, ready to have comfort over savage indulgence.

I may never put on that black dress again and wait for the fat lady to sing the final coda. I may never be able to close the book on the love of my life. But I know I have to move on anyway, even without achieving closure. I have to start walking toward a life without my beast and learn to stop looking back to see if he is behind me, trying to find his way home.

photo by Benjamin Pesqueda @Pompadou, Paris 2019

Prajinta Pesqueda is a veteran of a war against trauma-induced C-PTSD caused by a 15-year marriage to a covert somatic mid-range narcissist-sociopath and addict. She is a recovery coach and holds a Master’s degree with an emphasis on guidance and counseling.

Follow her at www.pesqueda.medium.com

Check out her podcast channel on all major platforms at https://anchor.fm/pesqueda

Join the upcoming workshop: https://teahna.com/warriors-path-to-wholeness/