3rd Jan 2020:Cheers to booze, a spiteful hatred for celebrity chefs and foraging.
Tags: Blogger, Chefs, Fiction, Foodies, Comedy

some of Cerise’s Work before his fall from culinary Grace

THE FIRST POSTING OF AMERICAN PASTRY CHEF CERISE PYE, WHO CAN BE RUDE, WITTY AND OFFENSIVE,

Hey to the people beneath me! — can you say that? or does it have to be “down under”, like I give a crap.

Before any more of you leave snide comments about me; like, “wow he must be drunk when he write this stuff…”HELL YES I AM”, after a 12 hour shift in a kitchen listening to some asshole who aint got a Michelin star, but one day thinks he will (yeah, that day will never happen, there’s more chance of bringing poor old Anthony Bourdain back from the dead) screaming orders at me, in a Sudo French accent, when really he’s from a trailer park in bum fuck Idaho.

Let’s face it fellow chefs and those poor misguided customers that read this. And bitch about the food that’s “normally brilliant” in their favourite restaurant, only to served one afternoon for lunch and it’s absolute crap on a cracker. That’s because your chef is very hungover at worst or still 3 sheets to the wind at best. I swear it’s a well-known medical fact, add the heat of the kitchen and pressure from Sudo French speaking asshole and Bazzinga!, the hangover is now magnified by ten. I have seen chefs dying (I wish they had and painfully) with hangovers shovelling out pure shit, food not even the Swedish Chef from the Muppets would be proud of. FACT, dear customer, it will happen over and over to you again and ain’t going away. Unless of course you wanna tip extra, when you see REHAB NOT INCLUDED on your check!

So this week, I have been asked by the lovely twins (I still swear it’s the same person, split personality) to impart my culinary wisdom, for the $20 bucks they send each week. So as you will see I have created, Culinary Tips and Recipes for you to follow, not the ones from their website of course, they look divine.

My first tip is inspired by, let’s call it a chat with, a hipster, Gwyneth Paltrow, Goop prophecy spouting, new age foetus looking and soon to have a short culinary career as a chef, He asked me about my thoughts on forging, apparently GP is a big forger, yeah, like as if “G fucking P” goes forging, maybe around the gardens of her Bel Air home. Personally, the only foraging I would ever do it for magic mushrooms. Culinary Tip: Dry them, put them in a jar, fill with local organic honey, some Vanilla Bean Extract, store for 3 months before using.

Hey presto, mid service tasty pick me up. Just make sure your stupid ass-wipe commis chef can’t find then and use in a cookie dough recipe on your day off!, the poor customer had to be committed to the psych ward after eating a plate full of them.

I just looked at with a look of vodka induced disdain and said, “there’s a goddamn reason meadowsweet isn’t a popular ingredient and that’s because It tastes like fucking herbal soap, no self-respecting chef is sitting there going “you know what I fancy making?.ohhh how about some meadowsweet parfait.” No one cares if you were roaming fields at 5am picking it. The only thing anyone should be foraging is wild mushrooms to get high and for anything else edible…go to a fucking farmer. I would rather eat fermented walrus anus, with a side of GP’s raw kale cookie dough or one of these “Genderless Vegan Ginger Shitbread people”

Speaking of that women who in my eyes is up there with Jamie Oliver with this look at me “the wholesome celebrity chef who cares truly about the health of your family”..not before going bust and putting hundreds homeless delinquents he trained as “chefs” out of jobs. It’s simple ..nobody on god green planet can understand a fucking word he says, nor do they give a shit, even the fucking Cooking Channel had to put subtitles and publish a “dictionary” of his favourite slang, so American viewers can understand him. How dare he come over here and tell the good folks of this country that we eat to much salt, fat and sugar. What the hell does he thinks keeps this entire nation alive and support thriving industries…Maybe he should have applied that logic to his own businesses, they may still be open today!

I put him and That women in the same category as that, thieving, fiddling Grande dame of American food and home décor, yes you guessed it.. Martha Swindling Cheating Stewart. God if, I was locked up with her, she wouldn’t’ last a week. I would shank the bitch and I think everybody on in the cell block would want to break off a piece of Martha Stewart’s ass too. I am surprised some bull dyke didn’t stick it to her, in the chow hall for giving the world her recipe for blueberry scones, which taste as bad as GP’s kale cookie recipe!..but I digress.

It’s the New Year and with it always come new and Interesting products, which company’s, who don’t know about my fall from culinary grace, asking me to endorse their products. Today I was sent by, some Asian food company a box of their delicious Chocolate-filled Colons, sorry, I mean Collons, they’re pretty popular, amongst teenagers and smokers, as you can buy it as vape juice , even in Australia (really people,wow). I mean, who doesn’t like the taste of delicious fluffy chocolate cream from a colon in their mouth?..

I declined their offer, after I was sick in mouth from the thought and not the taste as, I couldn’t bring myself to open the box. But do feel free to write and let me know if any of brave or stupid souls buy them.

I am happy with the $20 bucks I get paid to write to this drivel. Before I want to leave with a with a thought and Culinary Tip, that may just sober you all up after the New Year’s festivities. I get home from work at about 3am on New Year’s Day and my neighbour, Raul is banging on the door asking if I knew what in White Russian? (he was having a party or a GangBangers/Weed Smoking/Crap Music playing Fiesta) in is apartment, the music alone would be enough to have him deported back to Meixgarudarico or whatever he came from.

I am a functioning drunk, of course I know the ingredients of a White Russian. that’s like asking the Goop bitch. for a recipe for a kale smoothie. I told him in simple English you need for 4 ingredients. Culinary Tip: Ice (not the crystal meth verity), Coffee Liqueur, Vodka and Cream. Recipe: mix the Coffee Liqueur and Vodka and in the glass, with Ice, not meth before you pour in the cream over a spoon and you’ll get a cool separation of layers.

I told him I could give him some ice and vodka, which was ‘UV Vodka , a fact you don’t know. But at $10 a bottle they use it during the manufacturing process of rat poison. Not really, I just made that up. It’s the kind of vodka you buy when you want to get drunk, but like, angry drunk. He said “I no had cream”, I told him I didn’t have any dairy except the Cat Milk Cream, I got for my new kitten and it’s not for human consumption. Before I knew it, he just snatched it out of hand and ran off (well he has had plenty of practise at that, snatch and run!).

Some 5 min later, he bust into my apartment with a cup. “you gotta to try, it very good” . I suspiciously looked at the cup, “What the fuck is this?” “It White Russian!, He proclaimed.

I looked at him, as if were just about to shank Martha Fucking Stewart, he knew and before I opened my mouth, he was gone. The moral of the story is, please do not let foreigners high on weed bust into your apartment with vile beverages. So, there you have had two culinary tips and recipes this week. I think my work here is done. Until the next week or what every day I come out of my VV sleep (that’s Vodka and Valium, to you people) I bid you good day and god bless America

Cerise Pye, Esq