Recovering as a Former Clergy
By: Recovering Religion
Tags: Psychology, Leadership, Religion, Therapy, Church

After several years of internal struggle, Micah (not his real name) came to the conclusion that after 30 years of church planting and preaching he no longer believed what he preached. He had been instrumental in planting three churches in his career and his last one was on its way to becoming a megachurch. He took a vacation, then a sabbatical, then announced he was stepping down permanently. People soon found out that he was no longer a Christian.

Now, with no job, no secular skills, his family beginning to disown him, and his marriage disintegrating, Micah has no social support system and has started to spiral into depression. Within a few months, he has gone from rock star to pariah in his family and community. His world has collapsed; the emotional high he used to experience from the pulpit has turned to despair. Where does he go? What does he do?

The purpose of this article is to discuss the difficult issues that many former clergy face during and after their departure from religion. Our goal is to help former clergy recognize patterns within themselves that may prevent or inhibit healthy adjustment after years, if not decades, in a religious bubble, and find a path to live an emotionally healthy life. We also want to give the general reader an appreciation for the incredibly difficult emotional and psychological task former clergy face.

Leaving religion is very difficult for many people but it can be even more difficult for clergy. The challenges are anything but trivial. For clergy, leaving religion often involves loss of full retirement, broken marriages, loss of relationships with children, family, and community, and loss of status. While all these issues can be experienced by non-clergy, the loss of status is largely unique to clergy.

To understand this, we must go back to the beginning and ask, ‘Why does a person become a minister, preacher, priest, or religious leader in the first place?”

In many traditions the notion of “being called by God” is used to describe the drive to become a religious leader. In other traditions it may be largely because your father was a clergy and it “runs in the family.” In the Catholic church there is an entire grooming process that steadily shapes a good candidate toward the priesthood. No matter the method, the explanations are always reliant on the supernatural. “God called me,” “I had a vision,” “God spoke to me through my priest.” Of course, this is a very convincing narrative and one that gives legitimacy to the choice of becoming a religious leader.

But none of these really explain the reasons why someone would choose to be a religious leader. The real explanation cannot be supernatural, so it must reside in the psychology of the individual and the social-psychology of the group. No one says, “I was called by God to be an engineer.” Or “The Blessed Virgin Mary called me to be a computer programmer.” Occasionally people may say, “God called me to be a doctor or counselor,” but generally speaking, people don’t need a supernatural explanation for their choice of profession and occupation. By the same token, no god actually had had anything to do with why a person becomes a clergy member.

If there is no god calling someone into the clergy, there must be other emotional and psychological reasons a person would enter into such a profession — a profession that often has few material or monetary rewards. They often sacrifice financial security and material comforts for what they consider to be a calling, often times at great cost to their family.

So why do people choose religious leadership? The answer is probably found most often in our unconscious primate instincts. As our friend and colleague, Hector Garcia, explains in his brilliant book, Alpha God, there are huge advantages to an individual in taking the alpha position in a community. The status, power, and influence are undeniable. No one is sitting around scheming to achieve this status; it is an unconscious drive. However, once one starts experiencing an increase in status and influence it can become intoxicating, even addictive.

Attraction to the strong religious leader is built into our species. Both men and women are drawn to, even mesmerized by, a charismatic leader, no matter what the religion. In Darrel Ray’s book, The God Virus, he discusses the techniques successful religious leaders use to infect religious followers, keep them in the religion, and prevent critical thinking about the religion. All of these techniques are designed to enhance the power of the alpha leader.

Whether it be a pope, priest, evangelical preacher, or imam, strong leadership brings a sense of security and tribal belonging to most people. The ability to lead, manipulate people into giving money, indoctrinate their children, and bring new people into the church is evidence of power. It is a positive feedback loop that rewards the best religious leaders with status and emotional stimulation. Successful clergy will become masters of the art and their success will strengthen their need for more — more admiration, more adoration, more money, more status…

We have interviewed and talked with hundreds of former ministers in our careers, and almost all of them say they miss the power of the pulpit. Many, if not most, report that they could feel an emotional high when preaching or officiating and it was addictive. They often say something like, “I really miss the rush I got from preaching every Sunday.” Ask many of those same ministers what Monday was like. They will often describe it in almost depressive terms like coming down from a drug high.

Additionally, there is the inevitable comparison with clergy who are more successful — leading bigger congregations, attracting more money, and achieving higher status. This leads to self-doubt and questioning “Why am I not being blessed? What am I doing wrong? Am I really called?” The minister or priest will continually examine the methods and techniques of their more successful peers and imitate them in an effort to grow their own following. It’s a cycle that strongly encourages learning and imitating methods that are highly emotionally manipulative. Just as in most professions, ministers and priests strive to achieve the success of the top leaders in their profession: Billy Graham, Cardinal Sean O’Malley of Boston, Rabbi David Wolpe, or whoever is the top leader in their particular religion or denomination.

This is the life of clergy. Constant striving to please a non-existent god and responding to unconscious drives for authority and influence in the name of the god.

Missed Developmental Stages

“…when others were dating, having fun, drinking a bit too much, flirting and having several sexual experiences, the clergy person was studying and learning to play the game in seminary or bible college…”

We think the most important thing for former ministers to recognize is that they probably missed many developmental steps as a result of their sojourn into the ministry. Immersion in the ministry often happens just when others are learning and experiencing important life events.

Newly minted ministers are often trying to get a need met or deal with trauma. While the ministry may surround a person in a cocoon of perceived safety and status, it does not help the person deal with trauma or learn how to get their needs met in a healthy way. For example, we have met many ministers who seemed desperate to gain approval of their absent or emotionally abusive fathers. They often went into the ministry under the tutelage of a substitute father who seemed to meet this deep and strong need for approval. The entire father-structure of patriarchal religions promises the approval of a father-god figure. By taking this detour, the minister never finds a productive and healthy way to come to terms with their need for approval and may find this is an important area for them to explore once out of the ministry.

The fact that the minister was unaware of these needs does not make them any less true or important. Coming to terms with these unmet needs is possibly one of the first steps to getting healthy and moving on.

Narcissism

While we all probably have a bit of narcissism in us, ministers have the opportunity to have that part of their personality stimulated out of proportion. The majority of clergy enter with a sincere belief they were called by god and a desire to serve people. Once in the ministry, they find that it is not what they envisioned. In fact, research has shown that 90% of pastors said it was not what they thought it would be and expressed disappointment and disillusionment.

Regardless of what brought a person into the ministry, the resulting adoration, approval, and influence gained from the position can be overwhelming and too much to resist. One quickly learns in order to be successful within this machine, they must learn how to manipulate and control their followers.

The institution itself helps by recognizing and promoting those most capable of growing and fleecing the flock. Those most skilled at manipulating will see their flock grow, more money donated, new buildings built (that often become a monument to the minister). Even political influence may be on offer. This is very seductive and something that is almost impossible to acknowledge when performing as a religious leader.

When a leader somehow comes to the determination that religion is a house of cards; when they finally acknowledge that there was no supernatural deity guiding them; that their sermons were not divinely inspired; that the advice they gave people did not seem to help them deal with deep existential issues of real life; and when all this leads to leaving the ministry, they still carry with them the desires that drove them into the ministry in the first place.

As we know from interviewing hundreds of ministers, many remain in the ministry for years after they discover the man behind the curtain (see Wizard of Oz). Once they decide to leave, they face all the problems that most people experience. What the average person does not experience is the precipitous loss of status. How the former minister adjusts to this loss of status says a lot about the struggles they may face back in the real world. One day you’re “the Man” the next day you are struggling to find a job to support your family without the secular skills that your peers developed years ago.

Relationship deficits

Former ministers often experience difficulty in making strong connections with others. People in the ministry have to be careful about creating deep relationships with their flock. They must also be well-practiced in putting on a caring demeanor, no matter how they feel. They certainly cannot tell anyone what they really think of elder Jones and his family for fear that their confidant will spread their words far and wide and make their life miserable and job untenable.

Ministers also must put on a façade of belief. Even the best of ministers probably don’t believe everything they espouse to the flock, yet they must put on the pretense that they virtually speak for god. They have to push their doubts and questions aside. The rhythm of the machine does not afford time for questioning or reflection. They must always be “on” every Sunday. While they are not perfect, they must look like they only have small flaws. “We all know Reverend Jones has a weakness for chocolate cake.”

Among peers, ministers must put on an enormous act. Church hierarchy, whether formal or informal, has a major influence over one’s career. As a result, ministers and priests can never let their hair down and be a normal human being who swears occasionally, flirts, enjoys good food and wine, and openly admits to sexual ideas and fantasies or even (god forbid) — sex. No! in the presence of peers, there is pressure to be holy and wise. Even when a minister feels comfortable with his peers and able to relax a bit, he knows his words and actions are being observed. He still self-censors. Even efforts to relax and be one of the guys, is often an act. An act to show that the best Christian can still have a little fun.

These issues are even more difficult for the women who are former clergy. Their role in the male-dominated religious hierarchy forced them to twist their tendencies and desires even more in order to fit the role. For example, many former clergywomen had to stand in front of a congregation and preach from a book that wholly condemns women and female sexuality, an angle that male clergy don’t have to twist as far.

We can’t underestimate the influence and damage this constant source of self-censorship and rigid behavioral standards has on a human. It’s like a stand of trees on the side of a windblown mountain. All around the mountain thousands of tall straight pines grow except in one particular place where the wind blows constantly from the same direction. The perpetual wind forces trees in this place to bend and grow in twisted and stunted patterns.

Being a minister is extremely stressful. One can never really relax and be a normal human being. It is a perpetual wind bending them in unnatural ways. The minister has to always act the part. When the former clergy leaves religion, those habits don’t go away. In fact, after years, if not decades of practice, these habits may be a complete substitute for real skills in relationship building.

What does that mean? It means the minister probably missed some key developmental experiences in his or her life. It means when others were dating, having fun, drinking a bit too much, flirting, and having several sexual experiences, the clergy person was studying and learning to play the game in seminary or bible college and having a constant need to please, placate and earn the approval of the ever-present god they were planning to serve; a constant psychological threat which can all too often lead to unacknowledged trauma.

They may have been in the early stages of ministry and under the tutelage of a senior priest or minister who was an expert at the game. No one acknowledges it’s a game, but everyone ends up pretending that they are not pretending. They got into a machine and have to learn how to drive it or get out.

In other words, instead of learning how to develop relationships and learning skills from the school of hard knocks, the minister is learning how to pretend to have a perfect marriage, pretend to know the word and wisdom of god, pretend to know how to help people deal with life’s challenges — pretending to know what he really doesn’t know. This is the life of most any clergy, whether in a liberal or conservative tradition. The ultimate result is someone who lacks basic skills but can play the pretend game with the best of them.

Conclusion

We have a great deal of compassion for the struggle former clergy have as they seek to create a new life. Our greatest concern while writing this article is that former clergy can spend years spinning their metaphorical wheels, trying to build a life in the secular world, and not realizing that the religious wind has shaped them in many ways they do not realize.

Healing can only be done with outside help. Self-help is almost always self-deception. As humans with incredibly faulty brains and perceptual systems, we need other neuro systems to help us. A good therapist can make the journey to a stable and productive life much shorter and rewarding. A good therapist can help you see the self-defeating behaviors that sabotage you. A good therapist can facilitate your growth through developmental stages you missed.

As a former clergy you were taught that you had to “go it alone.” You always had to be the pillar of strength; the wise one, the caring and compassionate one. This is likely very deeply ingrained in you. Add to this the initial needs and desires that led you into the ministry that were never addressed — like the need for approval, narcissistic tendencies, fear of conflict, and possible childhood trauma, and it becomes obvious that there is much work to be done. It can get done with a real human’s help. At one time you asked and prayed and hoped for a god’s help, with no answer. Now you can ask for a real human’s help and get on your new path much sooner. We would recommend looking for a secular therapist: a therapist that uses evidence-based methods and understands the impact religion can have on the brain and nervous system.

The Secular Therapy Project is the first place we would encourage you to look, but where you find a therapist is not as important as getting your recovery program started as soon as possible. If you need someone to talk to right now, you can call or chat with a trained volunteer at www.recoveringfromreligion.org and ask to join the Clergy Plus channel where clergy and their families can safely talk about their challenges.

You may also want to learn about the concept of Religious Trauma Syndrome, from which we think many former clergy suffer. Finally, you might consider joining The Clergy Project, an on-line resource of more than 1,000 current and former clergy.

We wish you a safe and fulfilling journey for the one life you can now enjoy.