My Shame at Having First Date Sex
Tags: Empowerment, The Bad Influence, Self, Feminism, Sexuality

My Shame at Having First Date Sex

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“I’ll make you feel good,” this prospective lover said after we had a leisurely lunch together.

I liked him. We’d been texting for weeks — and he turned me on.

“Why don’t we get a room?” he added.

“I can’t do that! I’ve never done that!” I said.

“There’s a first for everything,” he answered, touching my hand.

I was horny. And he was ruggedly handsome.

Could I do this?

“Alright, let’s do this.”

I immediately regretted saying it.

He grinned and said, “You won’t regret it.”

I already did.

“We can just lie next to each other and touch.”

Yeah, right.

We did lie next to each other and touch, that’s for sure — and we did lots more.

“You like this?” he asked as he pushed I don’t know how many fingers up inside of me.

“YES.”

“Come for me, baby,” he said.

I didn’t think I would, but I did. I kept my eyes closed. Should I look at him? This wasn’t going anywhere.

My traitorous body. It didn’t care that I was having a “one afternoon stand.” It responded immediately. Blood went directly from my brain to my pussy.

I was so predictable.

“You liked that?” he said afterward.

Dammit. Did he have to be so smug? Couldn’t he just let it be? He knew he had the upper hand. Literally.

What was going to happen now?

Could I face myself? I never thought I could sleep with a guy on a first meet. Looking in the mirror, at my hands, rubbing the towel over my soft body in the hotel bathroom, sort of trembling. I was cleaning up, but I felt so dirty.

Why did I say, yes?

In the parking lot afterward, I got into my car, and he leaned into my passenger side window with his tan forearms.

He didn’t even kiss me goodbye.

“Do you know how to get home?” he asked.

I have GPS motherfucker. What I don’t have is common sense.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

What was I supposed to say? I don’t want to ever see you again. I’m so ashamed. I regret all of what just happened.

“Keep in touch,” I said like an idiot. I wanted to snatch it back even before it left my mouth.

“I will,” he answered.

I didn’t believe him, of course.

I barely believed myself.

My online adultery friends would understand. On r/adultery that night, I posted, “I need a shoulder to cry on. I don’t want to own my stupidity and horniness. I slept with a guy on the first meet. He was hot and seemed normal. He hasn’t texted me back. I’m mad at myself, and I feel like a whore.”

“Oh honey, we’ve all done this! Guess I shouldn’t speak for everyone, but trust me, you’re NOT alone here,” answered MrsStealth.

I never felt alone on r/adultery. That was the beauty of a sub devoted to adulterers — over 86,000 thousand.

She continued, “You’re never going to know why he’s gone silent. Maybe that was his plan all along. Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe he got cold feet or felt guilty. Who the hell knows?”

I know. I should have never said yes.

“All I can promise you is that you WILL meet someone worthy of you down the road. Who deserves your sweetness and your sexiness and eagerly gives it back.”

I was nodding my head up and down, reading.

I wish.

MrsStealth wasn’t finished yet. “As far as being a whore…you’re a SEXY AS FUCK GODDESS, or you wouldn’t be here. Please let go of being shamed. Love is never wasted, even if it’s only the physical expression. I hope he made you feel wonderful because you needed that.”

I did need it. So badly.

“Be proud of taking care of your needs…and learning a little about how to manage things the next time. Sending big hugs,” MrsStealth ended with. “Manage things next time? No next times, I vowed.

What twisted the knife deeper was that he hadn’t texted me afterward.

I HAD TO TEXT FIRST.

I waited and waited. Refreshing my Kik over and over again. Why didn’t he text? I am not doing this anymore.

“Hey, hope you got home ok,” I finally succumbed late that night.

Someone, anyone, should have taken my phone away.

“All good. You?”

Three words.

I was done.

My three words.

I went back to reading r/adultery.

Babeinthewoods wrote, “Stop that right now! There is value in all experiences. Even the ones that go sideways. You learn what you want and what you need and the things you won’t tolerate.”

I was tired of sideways.

“You can be exactly as powerful and in control as you want to be. It’s pretty much JUST sex. It’s fun. It’s entertainment, it’s stress relief, and it BURNS calories,” she added.

I was smiling now. Babe was right, of course — I should just own it. Re-frame it in my mind. Shame wasn’t going to make me feel better.

She ended with, “Fuck society. Fuck the haters. And fuck whoever you feel like.”

That sums it up. Fuck the shame.

Don’t give him the power. He doesn’t deserve it.

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.