What Really Happened To Me…
By: Rozana Attia
Tags: 2020, Covid19 Crisis, Coronavirus, Heartbreak, Covid Diaries

This is an unprepared, real and raw blog post that I am writing.. Usually I have a few notes written down before I write a blog, but tonight, on Christmas Eve I’m just doing it from the top off my head… It might make sense to many, and might also sound like a waffle to others, but here I am. Completely mentally drained as I type this.

To those of you who have been on my website before the 1-year subscription ended, rozenspiration.com, you know a lot about my journey. I had a website dedicated to personal empowerment, confidence and mental health. I shared quite a lot about my journey and how I overcame years of abuse, heartbreak, school bullying and how I deal with my diagnosed mental illnesses. The purpose of that website was to empower the people who read it and show them HOW they can do this too. I came a long way that I sometimes wondered how can someone be so strong, go through all of this and become an inspiration to many… I promised myself to hold on to this new boss bitch who chased her dreams even when it was against her culture. 2019 was genuinely my best year EVER. I overcame so many fears and healed through so much trauma, but then a new fear creeped up. The fear of me falling apart again someday, the fear of me losing myself again after I found it and cherished it. Guess what? 2020 made me look at this fear straight in the eye.

I know that 2020 is different for everyone in a lot of ways than I can count. My personal experience with it has been…bizarre… like I can’t fathom how this all happened. It honestly feels like I am still asleep. I feel asleep on New Years Eve of 2020, and that was the last time I felt truly present and alive. There were good moments of course, but the last time I was actually fine was last New Year. After that, I was getting a bit in my head about my final year at University. I wondered how I’ll do and my anxiety slowly creeped in and I was overworking myself. I would stay up till 10 am and wake up at 2 pm on the days I didn’t have classes. That was until March of course, when the lockdown happened. Surprisingly, I managed to accept that there is a pandemic within a week. I didn’t really get what COVID-19 is and the long-term effects of it as I do now, in a sense. Somehow I adapted quickly and accepted that there is a lockdown. I chose to look at the blessings I have like the availability of food, money and shelter. I am aware a lot of people struggled with that, so I was really counting my blessings and focusing on my assignments and dissertation.

I truly thought that with the lockdown, people would stay inside and things would go back to “normal” within 2–3 months. So I kept my hopes up about getting employed and graduation ceremony. Long story short, the things I was looking forward to the most were taken away from me. My closest friends left the country in March, so I didn’t even get to spend one last day with them. My graduation ceremony was cancelled, and I was constantly getting job rejection letters. I started to doubt myself, my skills, abilities and qualifications. I knew that places like the NHS needed employees during this time, but I wasn’t getting anything from them other than “Unfortunately we can’t give you a feedback.” As an international student, I was on a time-crunch. My student visa was supposed to end on the 29th of September, and that time limit was killing me. I stayed up NIGHTS sending applications, sending emails, messaging people directly on LinkedIn, updating my CV, contacting my networks and work coaches. COVID-19 and being an international student don’t go that well together. We all know employers would rather hire a national student than someone they have to sponsor. I still pushed through and did my absolute best. I had completed 2 internships, 3 volunteering experiences and 2 part-time jobs. Nothing…

After years of betrayal, trauma and bullying, I made friends for the first time in the UK. I met people that I truly adore till this day. UK became my home and it is where I feel like myself honestly. I fought to the nail till the 28th of September, but I had to leave before midnight. I had to travel back to my family, to a country that to me doesn’t feel like home. The entire year, I feared leaving and I really wanted to prove that I can do this despite everything. And I know I could have of course, but I myself wasn’t even mentally in a good place to get a job. My confidence breaking lead to my old insecurities coming to the surface, specifically my body insecurities and my skin.

I left, and that’s when it got real. Leaving after getting rejected for months, it almost felt like a slap in the face. No, at least 15 slaps in the face. It didn’t feel over though. And personally, I DO NOT believe in meant to be shit. I used to believe in that, but after years of studying the power of our minds and how we can manifest what we want, I realised there are a lot of limiting bullshit that we have been taught. That’s another blog for another time, but my point is, meant to be is bullshit. I make things happen by putting myself out there, by keeping my mind focused on what I want while also looking after my mental and physical health. Deep down, it felt like I have to go back. Part of me still wanted to apply for jobs but I felt like I lost hope. There have also been family stuff going on which I refuse to share because it’s personal, but lets just say that added more to my plate.

Since this day, I find myself getting lost in how lonely it feels to be here. I look back at the plans I had for this year, and realise how I lost more than I thought. I sometimes find myself tearing up out of the blue, and I am not usually like that. My fear of falling apart after building myself up came true. It all really sucked for me. I just want to feel safe again. Sometimes I just want someone to look at me and know how I am feelings. Even though I share and talk to some people, it still feels like I can’t fully express myself. Sometimes I find myself from the anxiety feeling so scared that I can’t sit down. Sometimes I just want someone to hold me and stay there till the feeling is gone. And now with the holidays coming up, my birthday this month happened and now New Year’s. I feel defeated. I feel powerless and lost. There are amazing people in my life who have been trying to help, but I can’t help but think that they’ll get sick of me from how I have been. I can’t help but think that no one can really ever love the real me no matter what I go through. I just got so used to defeat, loss and grief.

On a positive note, I got an unconditional offer from my UK university to join the Master’s program starting January 2021. I know it will happen, but part of me can’t fully enjoy it. It’s like I am scared of allowing myself to celebrate this or it will be taken away from me too. Talking to a therapist this week has helped a little, but I have to apply everything that is discussed in the session of course. I tell myself every day to pull myself together and it will all be okay. Some days are okay, and other days I wake up feeling like I shouldn’t wake up. That I have nothing to get up for other than old “1 Year Ago” Snapchat memories reminding me that I had a life. I’m struggling to feel safe, loved and understood. It is not because of anyone but my fears. I know I can control them and I can do this, but I just want to wake up again. I want to feel alive again. Even as I am typing this now, I don’t feel present. I want to wake up to miracles. I want my life again because I know that I deserve it. The only thing that kept me going is knowing how I create my life with my thoughts, and that gives me hope because I have done it a lot. I just want to TRUST and know that all is well. I don’t want to go to bed anymore worrying about what will happen tomorrow.

Somehow, someway things are turning around for me. I know that when things are dark, it’s because the dawn is coming. I know that this is my last bit of struggle, then everything will be fine. It is MY job to get myself back, because I really miss her more than anything else.

I am grateful for my physical health. I am grateful for food, water and shelter. I am grateful for the safety of the ones I love, and I am grateful to be alive another year. Every day is a new chance for new beginnings. All is well.

Soon, I will be back with inspirational content. For now, I am sticking to my mental health toolkit and physical health. Meditation, going for walks, skincare, showering and affirmations really help.