Drumpf “Super Sizes” SCOTUS
By: Phillip T Stephens
Tags: Humor, Supreme Court, Donald Trump, Fiction, 2020 Presidential Race

Drumpf unveiled his latest strategy to affirm his 2020 electoral victory after the Supreme Court slapped down the Texas suit to overturn the election. Prefacing his Sunday afternoon announcement with “we must do everything we can to insure just justices and prevent the Democratic coup from succeeding,” Drumpf promised to expand the Supreme Court with four new justices and one alternate “in case the scale needed one more vote to tip to the right side.”

In addition, all five new positions will no longer be lifetime but “permanent seats to represent the parties who appointed them. It just so happens that these five Justices will be appointed and confirmed by the GOP, so Democrats will never get a crack at this.”

“If I can pardon myself, which I can, I can make myself Supreme Court Justice, Jury and Executioner.”

Drumpf’s five nominees are Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, Georgia Senator Kelly Loeffler, recently arrested Louisiana Congressional Candidate Ben Gibson, Herman Cain and Drumpf himself as the alternate.

Olivier Knox of SyriusXM demanded to know how Drumpf could name himself a Supreme Court Justice, to which Drumpf replied, “If I can pardon myself, which I can, I can make myself Supreme Court Justice, Jury and Executioner. It would be absurd to deny that the man every world leader and historian has declared the Greatest President in the History of Presidents should be denied complete access to his Constitutional powers which, as Article II spells out, is anything I damn well please.

Asked to explain how Herman Cain, who died of a COVID infection which he contracted at a Drumpf rally, can serve as a Supreme Court Justice, Drumpf explained that Cain’s position is in absentness, “which means he won’t attend in person but will deliver his opinions through a spokesperson, which is the PC term for spokes man, who will be me. My staff has been in constant contact with Cain since his unfortunate demise.”

“Cain won’t attend Court sessions in person but will deliver his opinions through a spokesperson, which is the PC term for spokes man, who will be me.”

More difficult to explain was the inclusion of QAnon conspiracy theorist, Ben Gibson, who is currently under arrest for possession of child pornography. Drumpf defended the choice because “what he did was no worse than my good friend Jeffrey Epstein who was exonerated completely, and besides, after a Presidential pardon and expunged record, who’s to say he did anything at all?”

Several reporters questioned why Drumpf and Republicans had excoriated President Elect Joe Biden and Democrats for packing the courts when they planned to do the same. Drumpf dismissed their questions as “not even Fake News. It’s Fake Speculation.” He explained that his administration wasn’t packing the court as Democrats had proposed, they were “enhancing it.” “Think of it as you’re at McDonalds and you order your usual two Big Macs, two fish sandwiches and two chocolate shakes. But you’re hungry and you’re not sure you have enough in your order. So you super size it. That’s what we’re doing with the court. What we’re doing is super sizing a chocolate shake. What they’re doing is packing a fudge shake. And no one wants to go down that road.”

Drumpf claimed that the new 13+ “super sized” member Supreme Court would also include the new position of Chief Judicial Overseer whose job will be to coordinate the Court’s decisions with the will of the Republican Senate. To no one’s surprise, the position will go to McConnell. he defended the job description, “Hey, retirees double dip all the time. Why can’t Senators and Justices?”

What we’re doing is super sizing a chocolate shake. What Democrats are doing is packing a fudge shake. And no one wants to go down that road.”

Constitutional and legal scholars unanimously agree that Drumpf has neither the Constitutional nor legal authority to expand the court. But they also unanimously agree that his lack of legal or Constitutional standing has never stopped him before. Nor has the McConnell Senate, so all believe the new court will be in place within a week to ten days.

Noticeably absent from the list of nominees is Senator Lindsey Graham, who has parroted, groveled before, and kissed Drumpf’s ass for four years. “Lindsey has no spine. Or balls. They’re on display in an Oval Office jar,” said B.G. Kizzazz, assistant to Chief of Staff Mark Meadows. “You don’t want a jellyfish to make decisions, you just want him to say yes to yours.”

Kizzazz also denied Drumpf’s use of the phrase “packing a fudge shake” was a homosexual slur to demean Democrat efforts to restore balance to the Court. “There’s nothing gay about it. We’re blind to gender in the White House. We won’t allow them on our staff, but if a gay guy uses the restroom we won’t stop him, just apply gallons of disinfectant. As long as he uses the men’s restroom and not the women’s.”

McConnell promised Sunday night to hold a confirmation vote for all five candidates by the end of the week even as a compromise COVID relief bill lingers on life support. “There is no question in my mind that control of the Supreme Court is the most important priority Americans face, which is why the Democrats launched this all out assault on the election results. I guarantee the new court will be sworn in before Christmas recess.”

Asked to explain how the Senate can fill seats that haven’t been legally authorized, McConnell responded, “Haven’t you learned anything during the last two administrations? The President’s plans live or die by what I decide, and I decide to enhance the court. And before you whine about ‘conflicts of interest,’ let me remind you that where American and Republican and my own interests are concerned, there is no conflict.”

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