5 More Hidden Holiday Gems
By: Brandon Dockery
Tags: Movies, Holidays, Comedy, Humor, Christmas

Rudolph, The Grinch, and Frosty have dominated the holiday airwaves since time immemorial. I have made it a personal holiday tradition to root for the underdog. Tirelessly, I scour IMDB lists, estate sales, and burned-down Blockbuster Video stores for festive films that have been lost to the sands of time. Then I abandon this effort and just make things up.

Photo by Josh Sorenson on Unsplash

Christmas in Coal Country (1955)

Paid for and written by The West Virginia Coal Association, this educational film extolls the wonders of coal in a world dipping its feet into atomic energy.

On Christmas Day, little Timmy-Ray is disappointed to find a lump of coal under the tree. Wondering what he did wrong this year, he is surprised by the sudden arrival of Santa-Ray Claus. Santa-Ray explains that coal is actually a gift, and to Timmy’s delight, a flurry of fly ash begins to fall on the town. What follows is a magical tour of an active coal mine as Santa-Ray explains the impeccable safety standards of the 1950s coal industry, the Communist lie of black-lung, and the folly of nuclear energy.

Back at home, Momma-Ray invites Santa in for dinner and the family sits for a home-cooked holiday meal that is also made entirely of coal.

Trivia:

Andy Griffith provides the voice of Clarence the Canary. His heartfelt depiction of a bird succumbing to carbon monoxide poisoning nearly won him an Oscar for Best Voice Performance in an Industry-Funded Educational Film

2. The Year Without a Santa Claus 2: The Iceman (2020)

Due to runaway climate change, Heat Miser has won the sibling rivalry that turned the North Pole into a war-torn hellscape. Cold Miser, now on his deathbed, reflects on the atrocities he committed in pursuit of power over his frigid crime syndicate.

Trivia:

Directed by Martin Scorsese, this 17-hour long epic makes use of cutting-edge CGI to reverse-age Willem Dafoe into the spry young icicle who would go on to lead a criminal empire.

This same technology also allows Willem Dafoe to play every other character.

3. Hallmark Movie #738 (????)

Urban legends speak of a Hallmark movie so wholesome that it leaves a trail of madness and devastation in its wake. The ramblings of one young woman, arrested after attempting to stab her boyfriend with a candy-cane shiv, indicate that it features not less than 14 easily-avoided Holiday mixups within its 90-minute runtime. In another suspected appearance, a couple was found to have perished after devouring a whole wool sweater Lady-and-the-Tramp-style.

Trivia:

After a few days of research, I found an electronic greeting card on my front porch that screamed when opened and contained the simple message “WATCH RUDOLPH INSTEAD” written in red lip balm. I’ve gotten too close.

A video exists on the dark web claiming to be the cursed film, but it’s actually just an Olsen Twins movie dubbed over with the sound of farm animals abusing whippets.

4. The Nightmare After Christmas (1994)

The lesser-known follow-up to Tim Burton’s iconic feature, “The Nightmare After Christmas” follows Jack Skellington in his misguided attempt to recreate a Wal-Mart customer support desk in Halloweentown. No less enthusiastic than last time, Jack enlists the townspeople in searching for missing receipts, getting into fistfights with other tired parents, and impulse-buying steeply discounted Reese’s cups shaped like Christmas trees.

Trivia:

Danny Elfman composed the score while blitzed on bad eggnog

Paul Reubens has a brief voice cameo as the clown who gets curb-stomped for whistling Jingle Bells the entire time he’s in line.

5. A Muppet’s Christmas Evil (1998)

On the 10th anniversary of this classic Christmas slasher, Jim Henson’s retelling brings yuletide thrills and chills that the whole family can enjoy. Join your favorite velvety friends in this hilarious tale about psychosis, corporate greed, and slap-stick killing sprees!

Trivia: