How To Build Self-Worth One Tiny Step At A Time
By: Jessica A
Tags: Mental Health, Self Love, Self, Self Worth, This Happened To Me

How to build self-esteem

Uphold promises to yourself.

Two years ago I made a promise to myself: write every day because it’s what you love most. I was able to stick to this, and emboldened, I began to keep other promises: I go for a (very short, don’t be too impressed) daily walk, I listen to more audiobooks, I take time every day to relax.

People sometimes want to know how much money I make from writing or how fit I’m getting from my daily walk, but they’re missing the point. By upholding these promises, I’m prioritising myself; I’m sending myself the message that I’m worth investing in.

Interestingly, studies on cognitive dissonance show that when your actions and beliefs don’t line up, you'll typically change your beliefs to match your actions. So even if you didn’t have low confidence to start with, when you break promises to yourself you may begin to believe you can’t be trusted to keep your word or that you don’t deserve self-care. This is why keeping our promises to ourselves is so important for our self-esteem.

Set small boundaries and stop trying to fix how other people feel.

Last week, a loved one got very upset with me because her birthday present was going to arrive late and because we haven’t seen each other in a while.

Not too long ago, I would have decided I was a terrible person and it was all my fault. I would’ve rushed to fix the problem, perhaps ordering a second “emergency” present to arrive same-day delivery at great expense; perhaps rushing to London to see her.

For the first time, I realised how she feels is not my responsibility. I reflected that the reason she blames me for our not having seen each other is that I always allowed this to be unbalanced in the past—making most of the effort necessary for us to see one another. It occurred to me that while I don’t always get a birthday gift from her, she’s used to being spoiled by me.

I realised if I wanted this imbalance to change, it was up to me to set boundaries. I told her I was sorry she felt bad and that I empathised, but I didn’t try to fix the situation or take responsibility for how she felt.

Every time you set boundaries, you remind yourself, and those around you, that you matter, and your self-esteem develops. Emotional intelligence coach Svetlana Whitener explains it perfectly in this excellent Forbes piece:

“Clear, well-established boundaries are absolutely essential…. Those boundaries tell others that you respect yourself and that they must do so too.”

Speak your truth regardless of the reception it gets.

My family likes to talk about how they’re not frightened of Covid-19. I find this attitude surprising, particularly after I (a healthy enough 35-year old), ended up seriously ill and even briefly hospitalised with the virus earlier this year, but I can’t change the way they think.

“Are you really scared to catch the virus again yourself?” my sister said disbelievingly on a recent family Skype. In the past, I would have lied to fit the group point of view; nowadays I try to remain true to myself.

“Yes,” I answered. “Having covid was traumatic, and I’m scared of going through it again. I’m also terrified that I could catch it again, and this time accidentally spread it to others.”

My family remained sceptical, but that didn’t matter; every time you own your truth you build confidence in your own mind.

Of course, it’s not quite as simple as blurting out how we feel all the time; we need to learn to be true to ourselves while simultaneously being sensitive to others. Self-help author John Amodeo, PhD, MFT, puts it beautifully in this detailed examination of speaking your truth:

“When we know in our bones that we have a right to our feelings, we can give them space to percolate a little longer without acting them out, which buys us time to respond with sensitivity rather than react impulsively.”

Practise saying no.

The most likely reason I contracted Covid 19 in the first place was that, despite my many misgivings, I travelled to London just before lockdown under the pressure of family and friends. My inability to say “no” could have cost me a lot more than it did; it’s a lesson I’ll never forget.

Now, every time I say “no” to something small that doesn’t feel right for me—like working for free or attending an event I don’t want to go to—I learn to trust myself more. I’m also becoming OK with the reality that saying “no” often feels uncomfortable and won’t always be popular with others.

The reason saying what we really mean is so important is outlined by clinical psychologist Nick Wignall on his blog on building self-esteem:

“If the way we habitually act — either in our physical behaviour, our speech, or our thoughts — doesn’t match up with our values and aspirations, we’re going to feel bad. Whether it takes the form of anxiety, depression, addiction, or some other ‘issue’, the core problem is a misalignment of actions and values.”

Every time you say “no” to something that isn’t right for you, you’re placing trust in yourself, and you're allowing your values and actions to be aligned.