Small Talk isn’t the Gateway to Greater Intimacy
By: Crystal Jackson
Tags: Self Improvement, Personal Growth, Communication, Relationships, Lifestyle

Small Talk isn’t the Gateway to Greater Intimacy

Introverts Complain about Small Talk

Photo by Eliott Reyna on Unsplash

Small talk really doesn’t work the way people think it does.

Maybe it works better in real life when we can get all the other non-verbal cues, but small talk online is just the worst. I’ve rarely experienced it leading to deeper intimacy. It usually doesn’t progress from being small talk to advancing on to other confrontational frontiers.

For people who are introverted, interacting with others takes enormous reserves of time and energy. Since our energy is precious and can only be recharged with alone time, we may choose to parcel it out sparingly to those with whom we share close relationships. It’s no wonder that many introverts absolutely hate, loathe, and despise small talk, except perhaps as a conversational buffer to avoid greater intimacy where it’s not wanted.

I have no interest in batting around a never-ending “hello, how are you” conversation with a stranger.

I want to find a polite way to say what do you want because it’s a mystery as to why a total stranger would want to keep sending me these messages without ever engaging in a real conversation. This happens all the time online.

The only progression I’ve ever had to a conversation like this is a question about my relationship status. This sends up a huge red flag, and I usually just go straight to the blocking portion of the event. It may interest many people (ahem, men) to know that most of us aren’t hanging around on social media for hookup purposes or in search of a relationship.

I don’t want to talk endlessly about my day or the weather. I want to talk about life revelations and dreams, what inspires you and makes your life worth living. I want to discuss growth mindsets and the little things that make us happy.

I’m happy to delve into any number of subjects, but I don’t want to keep saying hello and telling you I’m fine in an endlessly revolving conversation that gets nowhere fast. It’s boring, and it’s time-consuming. It’s also a major drain on my energy.

My energy is a precious resource, and I have no intention of creating space in my life for exchanging what someone else might refer to as pleasantries with strangers.

For this stranger, there’s nothing pleasant about it. What’s worse is that many of these strangers who are coming at me armed with pleasantries are also armed with expectations.

They expect a reply.

I don’t owe anyone a reply just because they sent me endless small talk, and sometimes the pressure is there to reply. I’ve gotten repeated messages asking if I’m there.

Yes, I’m still here. I’m just not available to you, random stranger on the Internet demanding my attention.

They expect me to make time for them.

I’ve even been asked when a better time would be to talk. First of all, I’m a parent; I don’t just have free time penciled in my calendar. Secondly, if someone is just making small talk and I don’t know them, I have zero interest in scheduling a time later for more of the same.

I’m baffled as to why anyone would demand time and attention from a stranger, particularly when their conversational repertoire only includes basic greetings and little depth.

They assume that I want a relationship.

I’m not interested in trying to find a relationship on the Internet, particularly a long-distance one. (Let’s all take a moment to laugh here because I did end up in a long-distance relationship against all my protests. The trick is that I didn’t actually go looking for it, so this still stands.) Even if I was open to that, I’m not going to find one in endless small talk (and I didn’t).

I’m an introvert, and when I take the time to engage with people I want to talk about something meaningful. I can’t do hi, how are you, i had a good day, how was yours, hello, what are you doing today ad nauseam.

They expect me to supply the conversational leads to a conversation they initiated.

When someone doesn’t bother to look at my profile before messaging me, it tells me a couple of things. First, it tells me that they found me through my photo alone, basing their interest in me solely off a set of physical characteristics. Secondly, it shows that they have no interest in truly getting to know me because they haven’t even bothered to find a shared interest to discuss.

I didn’t start this conversation, and I’m puzzled as to why I would be expected to even want to continue it.

Without a shared interest and conversation starter, there’s nothing really to say. Asking me where I’m from and what I do are two ways to get blocked immediately. If that seems harsh, keep in mind that I’m a writer with a very public social media page. Anyone who wants to know about me can just go and look. Reading a couple of things I’ve written can answer some of those basic questions, and where I am and what I do are both publicly displayed.

I love meaningful, interesting, quirky conversations.

I like to get to know people and enjoy a little banter. I’ve actually developed some wonderful friendships that started from casual conversations that quickly went deeper. These conversations never started with a greeting without a point. They always had something to say, and a conversation was initiated. Friendships have developed this way, and I truly value them.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t befriend a stranger online or strike up conversations. But meaningless ones? Ones that have no purpose or point and go nowhere? Those are difficult to manage. The small talk really doesn’t develop into greater intimacy when there’s nothing real behind it. The lack of curiosity about the other person creates a wall, and it becomes obvious with the back and forth interplay of little more than checking in.

I just don’t do small talk.

It’s fine when you’re standing in a line or in an awkward situation, and you don’t have enough common ground yet to know how to take it to another level. But it’s not fine when it’s online, and the only thing you can find to ask is how someone is over and over again until one of you dies.