Details of My Lunch With Eva Mendez
By: Glenn Fay
Tags: Humor, Funny, Celebrity Gossip, Celebrity, Comedy

You are not Going to Believe This

Eva Mendez, by Philipp von Ostau, Public Domain

There I was, sitting at the Beachcomber Restaurant on a Florida Beach last February, a month before the pandemic began, munching on fish and chips. I graciously let my date, my wife of many years, have the ocean view and sat with my back to the Atlantic surf. It was a picture-perfect day, the mid-70s, hazy sun, and not too crowded on the patio.

Our conversation was interesting and it was only our first of 10 days there so we were thrilled to be into the subtropical air and expecting a good stretch of weather if nothing else. I looked up from my grilled salmon and there she was. I tried not to do a double-take, but was that Eva Mendez sitting directly facing me at the next table, behind my wife? Yes, it was, big shades, beauty mark and all.

Big whup, I thought. You see, I am not much of a celebrity stalker/thrill-seeker — at all. I don’t watch any of the celebrity shows like TMZ, E!, or read any of the tabloids or mags. For one thing, I feel bad for stars, being hounded by the paparazzi, press, and autograph-seekers. Most celebs value their privacy as much as the next guy and it is the one thing they typically can not have. So I didn’t stare. She was talking to this big linebacker-type guy with not much hair. He wore a pro football T and typical athletic shorts. Not much style. But, hey, none of my business.

I didn’t mention to my wife that Eva Mendez was sitting right in back of her. She feels the same way I do about most celebrities. But, truth be told, if The Boss was sitting behind her she would want to know about it. And I would wager she wouldn’t stay in her seat for very long either. But anyway, I digress.

We continued our conversation, smelling the salty air, listening to the surf, and watching the occasional surfer or shell-picker stroll by. Perfect day. Eva seemed to be enjoying it too. In fact, she was quite animated and she appeared to be looking and smiling right at me!

Okay, so I’ve been told I look a little like Robert Redford or Tom Selleck in a Marlboro Man kind of way, and also that I have kind of a Euro look. Okay, so you might have to squint a little to see the resemblance. And, just so you know, I am happily married. I didn’t want to act like a come-on so I didn’t smile back. I just stayed cool, minded my own business, tried to relish my own privacy, and continued to enjoy my lunch.

Just to put a lid on any of the distractions, I slid over in my seat about a foot to my right. This put Eva directly behind my slim wife and the incredible hulk behind her. Whew! Now Eva was nowhere to be seen. Another couple of bites of fish and chips. A swig of lemon iced tea. Ahhh. I glanced up at my wife. Woah!

Eva had slid over to her right, into my line of sight and was looking straight at me again! I felt like I was back in seventh grade when that cute girl asked me to dance. Terrified! (Okay, maybe I was a late bloomer.)

Just to be sure, I slid over another six inches to my right — out of sight behind the hulk again. Luckily, he seemed clueless as to what was going on. Again, Ms. Mendez followed suit, inched over into my field of view, and maintained a line of sight.

I did some research to see if I could get to the bottom of Mendez’s obsession with me, or determine if some other forces were at work. For one thing, she is a pescatarian, and that explains why she was eating at a seafood restaurant. And it just so happens I love seafood too. I also found that Eva and I have some other things in common. Our horoscopes are a perfect match for attraction and compatibility! We both practice Transcendental Meditation. Maybe the relentless cosmic vibe was pulling her defenselessly into my orbit. She has two kids with Ryan Gosling, and I have two kids with my wife! But the uncanny similarities don’t end there. She makes videos and I make videos too! She worked with Steven Seagal and I used to do karate. She has won a pile of awards and I have won awards as well! It’s no wonder she felt a magnetic attraction!

Eva Mendez, by Nicolas Genin, Public Domain

All good things must come to an end and eventually, the food disappeared, the waitress cleared the table, and the sandy beach and low tide beckoned our bare feet. I leaned over to my wife. “Don’t look now, but the woman behind you has been spying at me during our entire lunch. I think it’s Eva Mendez. Tell me what you think!” I stood up, did my best aloof Tom Selleck, and ambled past her toward the beach with my bride. My arch support flip-flops didn’t quite get me to six-four, but I felt like I was. Was that really Eva Mendez, or a look-alike? I think I am better off not knowing.