Don’t Dis Polyamory, Dis Rape Culture
By: Anne Shark
Tags: Polyamory, Rape Culture, Relationships, Sexuality, Sexual Assault

Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash

In the beginning, I didn’t tell too many people I’m polyamorous. I told a few friends, my long term, (previously monogamous) partner has told a few friends, and through the grapevine, most of our mutual friends and acquaintances have found out. They learned the info in a way that was comfortable for all involved: for them, they didn’t have to provide a polite or supportive reaction to the news that might have challenged their own values, and for me, I didn’t have to offer an explanation or defend myself from their judgement.

Safe because we wouldn’t hear all the ugly questions that might emerge from our unconscious programming. My partner, in telling one of his friends, received the feedback, “She should be grateful to have you, you’re a good guy.”

After experiencing more than one sexual violation since starting my poly journey, it’s hard to not wonder why the hell I don’t just appreciate what I have, why I would date, putting myself in situations that might lead to some guy doing something I didn’t consent to. Just as, after being mugged, assaulted or raped while walking home late at night, a woman might ask herself why she was out walking alone late at night.

My reason for polyamory was obviously not because I want to be violated. My reason is that I have the desire to experience deeper, authentic connections with people. To express the love I feel for others in a way that feels right with that individual, including, sometimes, sexually. Consensually sexual. And I have had numerous fulfilling and nurturing experiences in this regard too.

At a reading recently, I shared a story about a sexual assault I’d been the victim of alongside stories others had written around the topic of power. After sharing our work, the readers posed questions to the audience such as “What is the difference between power and empowerment?” and “What is empowerment to you?” I hoped my reading might encourage others to feel comfortable sharing their own stories but only one person spoke on the topic of sex at all. She said, “For me, my sexuality is empowering.” I was impressed by her openness. Perhaps not coincidentally, to my knowledge she was the only other poly woman in the room.

While the #MeToo movement opened some lines of communication about sex, consent and assault in a detached, political way, talking about our own personal experiences with sex is still difficult — and this can have dangerous consequences.

If we don’t talk about sex, the abuse of male privilege and power remains hidden behind closed doors, women doubting their experiences or feeling too frightened, uncomfortable or embarrassed to voice them. In Christine Blasey Ford’s opening statement, she says, “For a very long time, I was too afraid and ashamed to tell anyone the details.” She voices what so many women and girls feel after sexual assault or rape.

It’s no surprise that a woman would feel grateful to have a “good guy” in her life, and feel that it’s little or no sacrifice to give up sex with anyone else given what is, sadly, likely to happen at some point or another. But from this standpoint, monogamy doesn’t seem like a choice as much as it’s a symptom of rape culture.

I don’t have problems with monogamy as a rule. I have a problem with it when people think it’s the right choice simply because it appears to be safer than any alternative.

I know that for myself, for a very long time, I would sometimes have the thought “I’m so glad I have so-and-so” after hearing horror stories of friends’ terrible dates. Long term monogamous relationships reduce your exposure to some extent to entitled, violent, manipulative and abusive men. Just look at how often the line “I have a boyfriend” is used to communicate, “I don’t want to date you.”

Girls are raised with the message — from our parents and from every rom-com out there — that the goal in dating is to find a “good guy” and hold onto him! because there are so few “good guys” out there. How sad is that?

Women’s experiences of rape, assault and feelings of “this didn’t quite feel right but I can’t put my finger on why” are all too common. Through sharing these stories more openly, talking about these subtleties, we can first get a better understanding of what is wrong and secondly empower ourselves to put our finger on what is wrong, band together and find solutions. And guys— you are more than welcome to participate in this dialogue too.

Dissing polyamory isn’t going to fix the problem, and in fact, my experience with poly people is that they are much more comfortable and open about talking about these issues. We’ve already acknowledged that sexuality is part of our identity.

Whether you choose polyamory, monogamy or anything in between, it should be a safe choice. You shouldn’t have to wonder which choice will lead to a lower likelihood of rape.