My Own Worst Enemy
By: Jessika Lakin
Tags: Work, Fiction, Self, Career Advice, Self-awareness

The neighbors and I are still seething over Rod’s quick release from jail. He made bail and has returned home, much to our dismay.

Meanwhile, it’s time for annual performance reviews at work. I’m not sure which is causing me more stress at the moment: my trigger-happy neighbor or my quick-to-anger boss.

The last time Lorraine and I spoke one-on-one was the day of the email incident. She tracked me down in middle-of-nowhere Nebraska to — as my parents would say — rip me a new one.

“You forwarded an email this morning,” she said.

“Yeah, so?” Her statement confused me. Even worse? She had not reached me on my cellphone. She had instead located me through a colleague’s phone with a different cellular provider. I still shake my head at the awkwardness of that moment.

“It wasn’t your right to forward it!!”

Our career-altering call was back on December 9th. We’ve barely spoken since, minus tactical updates on weekly calls with the other Regional Marketing Directors.

I have worked myself into mental knots in anticipation of what Lorraine will say today. Will she further berate me for my lack of maturity? Will she find additional excuses to keep me from getting promoted? The only thing keeping me from losing my mind is the sixty-day yoga challenge.

Every day, after ninety minutes of twenty-six poses, I lie on my mat, exhaling all of my negative emotions. I send them up to the ceiling in little thought bubbles:

Nothing is wrong.

I AM worthy of promotion.

Lorraine is an f’g bitch.

You’re the problem, not me.

Then I return to work with a smile and do my job. It’s all there is to do.

At Scott & White Hospital for a surgeon meeting, I find a couch along an empty corridor on the first floor in Building One. I’ve just wrapped up my discussion on website development with Dr. Mikels. Now it’s time to gird my loins.

The annual performance review determines how much of an increase anyone receives in compensation. In years past, 8% increases were awarded to those with an Outstanding performance review. Outstanding is still the best “grade” one can receive, but its payout is substantially less these days at 4%.

Exceeds Expectations (at 3% wage increase) is the second-best performance rating, followed by Consistently Effective (at 2% wage increase) and Needs Improvement (at 1% wage increase). What can I expect from Lorraine? My money is on Needs Improvement. Surely she won’t put me on a Performance Improvement Plan with a 0% pay increase. Or will she?

Who am I kidding? I’m SURE that’s what she’ll do because she despises me. Our region’s finance manager, Ryan, has acknowledged his role in the email-forwarding debacle in recent weeks. He saw my email that morning and forwarded it to his boss, the VP of Finance, to benignly confirm the spend. In turn, the VP ran it past the President saying, “Hey, is the Field supposed to know about this already?”

The President then confronted Lorraine. In a world where shit runs downhill, my new boss, with her new title of VP, chased me down amidst thousands of acres of harvested corn. I’m not saying what she did was right. I’m just saying I can get it.

“Hi Jess,” Lorraine says chirpily on the pickup.

“Hi, Lorraine.”

“How are things? You’re in Temple today, yes? How was Dr. Mikels?”

“He’s great. He says ‘hi’ by the way. I don’t think he’ll be able to do the website though, not as a hospital-employed orthopedist.”

“It was worth a try. As long as he knows we’re here to help, that’s what counts. Which brings me to the reason for our call.”

Here it comes.

“I want to start by really just acknowledging you for the seamless transition from Heather. Her list of pending projects was fairly exhaustive, but you knocked out everything. Feedback from all of your general managers, plus Brick, indicates they’re only effective with the marketing programs because of your management. You have a real knack with the branch admins, too, motivating them to execute on a local level. Not everyone’s able to do this like you are.”

What’s happening here? Is she actually telling me I’m good at my job?

“Your work with the branches netted a 20% increase in patient seminars last year and a 32% increase in primary-care dinners. You expanded the scope of the national spokesperson program and garnered a 420% increase in media mentions. Really, just incredible work Jess. I couldn’t be more proud of you and the contribution you make to our team and company.”

Does this mean what I think it means?

“I’m still not able to promote you due to the budget situation, but I’m giving you an Outstanding on your performance review. You’ll receive the maximum merit increase of 4%. Plus, this year, I’m authorizing the award of stock options to you. This is normally reserved for directors, but we can make exceptions. You’ll receive the paperwork via email this Friday. Congratulations!”

I sit dumbfounded for a moment — for several moments.

What just happened?

Lorraine’s glowing review runs anathema to every scenario I played out in my head in the days leading up to it. Had something shifted for her? Or had I — as the greatest doubting Thomas of my own success — taken the episode of the email drama and inflated it out of proportion? Had I reinforced a lifetime of negative narratives I tell about myself with all of my lamentings?

“Are you still there?” Lorraine asks.

“Yes, sorry. I’m taking it all in.” I am my worst enemy at times, I think.

I question whether I should say anything about her review catching me by surprise, but then change my mind. I don’t want my insecurity to undermine her decisions and my pay increase. “Thank you, Lorraine. I can’t tell you how happy this makes me. Truly, thank you.”

“You deserve it. Do you have any questions?” She asks.

“Not at this time. I’ll talk to you on next week’s call.” We hang up, and I make my way outside to drive home, feeling unfamiliar contentment — something I have not experienced for months.

I slip into my car and pull up my playlist. A quick scroll and a merge on to I-35 later, I raise the volume on Eminem and sing “Lose Yourself” as a kickstart to my hour-long drive home.