The One About Feelings
By: Billie Blanco
Tags: Growth, Love Letters, Feelings, Love

For someone that describes herself as expressive and being a “feelings” person — that is, one that wears her heart on her sleeve and lets her heart take the lead almost all the time, I would say that realizing that I had developed feelings for certain special people in my life took so long and a lot of unravelling. It was a whole process, which continues to this day, as I try to put into words and understand each of those chapters in my journey.

A few things that you should know at the outset: These are not really stories of heartbreak because I do not think we have ever reached that point. To this day, my greatest heartbreak was losing my father — but that’s a story for another day! I don’t think that these are stories of falling in love either because I am still processing the fact that I even had feelings for these people and what I so quickly brushed off as ‘soft spots’ or ‘happy crushes’, were, as I am coming to understand, a little more than that in some cases. What I have sought out to do here is to talk about three instances, stories, and well… people that not only have been a part of my life in different ways but taught me a lot. Honestly, each of these stories taught me more about myself than about developing feelings for another person and love.

These are stories about people that are still in my life but I will not name, because except for one (who I confessed my feelings to), they are pretty much clueless about all this. These are stories of all things tender and of words meant for the other to hear but remain unsaid. These are stories of confusing feelings, admitting those feelings, and developing feelings.

The One about the Tibak Crush

“Alam mo, Billie, partner yung hanap natin, hindi co-advocate.” One of my dearest friends from college breaks it to me after I told her that I don’t see myself in a relationship with someone who had different principles from me — that having a stand on issues was a non-negotiable for me.

However, what she didn’t take into consideration and what I did not understand then was that I could develop feelings for one who has similar but not the same principles as I do. And that was the deal with Tibak (a Filipino term for “activist”) Crush.

I met Tibak Crush in college. He was a year ahead of me, but we were both activists. I still remember the first time we were introduced to each other. It was just so nice to meet someone that had such a calming presence about them, which was rare with the kind of activists I knew and that were around me. I, for one, was intense and angry all the time, and while he was angry too, he had this certain peace about him — that he was more hopeful and focused on moving forward, rather than lingering in that moment of rage. We were part of the same political circles and had similar ideals. We went to rallies separately but marched together. We worked on all sorts of socio-political campaigns.

It was interesting because at first, I claimed that he was my ‘Tibak Crush’ and because everyone had that — someone that you adored for their conviction and that you just admired for their work, it was nothing, really. However, little did I know that it wasn’t just that. I guess, there was and is something about him. It was so inspiring seeing him after graduation go on and venture into development work. Every time we would talk, we would rant to each other about political developments. It was and is just easy. We understood each other and where each is coming from. We shared similar advocacies — and when I got excited about a development or stressed even, I knew I could go to him (and him to me) and pick each other’s brain for a way forward.

I don’t remember the first time that I realized that I had feelings and him being in the equation, but I knew that I grew attached to him, and that attachment is growing still as we find ourselves in the same circles and forwarding the causes that matter to us. I do recognize that whatever attachment I have towards him, it’s special. It is special in the sense that I look forward to our conversations on politics, hope, and human rights every now and then. It’s not complicated, but in fact, what draws me to him is that it’s refreshing every time he’s around, because it’s just easy — there’s no tiptoeing around each other and no judgment. There’s just that mutual respect. I get kilig and it’s that wholesome kind of kilig whenever we talk, because it’s so nice to have a person to share the similar advocacy, similar passion, and similar dedication to serving the people with around.

With him, I realized that that’s one of the things that matter the most to me: one’s politics. And so, if and when I do find a partner in the future, he does not necessary need to have the same — as in literally, the exact — convictions as I do — or the same stands on issues, but there are indeed non-negotiables and his kind of politics matters. It’s not about having the same interests or having someone that just gets me that’s the reason why I say this, but I think that a person’s politics reveals the kind of person that he or she is and his or her humanity. And that matters. It matters a great deal.

Tibak Crush and I are close, and that’s that. There’s absolutely no pressure, and I’m glad that he’s in my life — whether it’s one to rant to, to talk about the things that matter, or even just one to reflect and look back on the days we would rally together, march together, and be one with the people in the streets as well as hope that the day would come soon when we could do that again — together.

The One I Confessed My Feelings To

If the way I described how things are with Tibak Crush was that it was easy — The One I Confessed My Feelings To and our story started the same way but ended, well, differently. For one, it ended; this is compared to Tibak Crush, who I am in contact with until this day.

This all happened post-college and in my second year in law school. To be honest, when my friends talked about their law school crushes before, I used to say that I had none, because there were really no names that came to mind. The One I Confessed My Feelings To is from law school (a blockmate!) but I don’t think I ever had a crush on him. And that’s because the thing is, we were friends first. I think that it all started from there.

I remember how he was the first person that introduced himself to me from the block. I distinctly remember how on the first week of classes, while waiting for our professor, I said I wanted cold water and he told me immediately — even if we weren’t close yet — that he would come with me to the ground floor and get cold water. And so, we did. He was just nice (and yes, if this isn’t clear yet — I have a thing for nice guys, which I am fully aware of). He and I hit it off right away and of course, I think it’s largely because both of us are Aries and we just got each other.

I smile just thinking about looking back, how easily we really got to know each other. He sat a few rows behind me and each time we were in the classroom, we frequently teased each other and exchanged a lot of laughs between us. This teasing each other even happened during Bar Operations in the wee hours of the morning, while he and I were working on helping prepare things for our barristers. We talked a lot even at night but I think what made me really start to feel all these things was when we would talk about our #ParasaBayan dreams (Yes, also clearly a running theme). It felt so nice knowing that for both he and I — lagi’t lagi, para sa bayan.

One of the particular moments that made me realize that this wasn’t just a ‘soft spot’ or ‘happy crush’ was that one time, the block had our picture taken. Before anything else, let me explain that I’m very particular about my personal space. I value my personal space and I absolutely hate unsolicited touching. This one instance, we were taking the picture and he put his hand on my shoulder. I didn’t flinch one bit. I realized then that while for most people that didn’t matter to me, I would immediately feel violated, because it was him, it was okay. He had that effect on me — that somehow, I felt safe with him. And I did. I also remember this one time, I was sitting in a café and studying for our next class. I did not see that he was there, but he came over to say hi and hugged me from behind. Again, I didn’t flinch. I said hi back, and we went on to go to class.

It went on for weeks and months. We would talk about trying to survive the next class and I would break down, and he would reassure me that I would do great. We also talked endlessly about our #ParasaBayan dreams. My favorite though was that one time when I already felt that there was something and I was looking for a reason not to like him (Yes, I know, crazy).

I brought up my feelings about fraternities in general (not a secret – I absolutely abhor fraternity-related violence and think they breed a culture of toxic male masculinity, exclusivity, and well, violence) and was curious to see how he would react. To my surprise, he replied, “I thought about that. About what would happen if I joined a fraternity? I told myself that maybe, if I did, you wouldn’t talk to me.” Not going to lie, I remember how speechless I was after that. And the conversation went on, as if nothing changed. To me, though, one thing did in fact change: I was looking for a reason not to like him, and yet, he ended up giving me one to hold on to.

Some time in the early months of 2020, I felt ready to tell him about how I felt. After all that happened, I had finally admitted to myself that he was special to me and that he mattered a lot in my life. And like the empowered woman that I am, I decided on a whim that I would tell him what I felt. As an Aries, I wanted to take that leap of faith. So on leap year (how cheesy), I told him. I told him all that I felt — about how I liked him a lot and that I thought he was great, and that there were no expectations but I just wanted him to know that he mattered.

And then, it happened.

“Thank you.”

My first time confessing my feelings to someone ended with The One I Confessed My Feelings To telling me, “thank you.” I didn’t cry about it or even feel like sad at all, because as I said, there were no expectations, but it was an eyeopener. What I realized what was that admitting your feelings is a two-fold endeavor: on one hand, it starts with you admitting it to yourself, which took a long time for me, realizing that I had grown so attached to these people; and on the other, an equally important part is you being brave enough to put your heart out there to another person.

Never in a million years did I even think that I would be the first to admit my feelings to someone. It was a certain level of bravery that I never thought I had. But more than that, what The One I Confessed My Feelings To taught me is that sometimes, people come in your life and they are not meant to stay or share in it with you. Don’t get me wrong, he and I remain friends, we talk to each other occasionally, and there’s absolutely no bad blood between us, but whatever we had in 2019/2020 was just that.

I can definitely say that there’s absolutely no more feelings whatsoever for him, but only good memories. He doesn’t know this, but he’s incredibly special to me because more than being The One I Confessed My Feelings To (the first!), he was and is a great friend and blockmate — one of my firsts in the block. And that’s more than enough for me.

The One I Wrote About and Confused Feelings For

The One I Wrote About and Confused Feelings For is one that I never saw coming or honestly even wanted to admit for a long time. Where do I begin? For context, The One I Wrote About and Confused Feelings For is a friend. A really close one. He and I go way back — even before The One About Tibak Crush and The One I Confessed Feelings To. And that was one of the things that I found particularly special about him and us — that he was so familiar and for the most part, he became my safe space. Navigating my way around the unchartered waters of law school was a lot more bearable because he was there. He was also, yes, the One I Wrote About because for a while, I wrote a lot for and about him when I was trying to figure out what him appearing in my dreams meant or what any of the feelings that were surfacing did.

Compared to the first two I talked about, The One I Wrote About and Confused Feelings For and I’s story is a little more complicated. It wasn’t easy. I remember some time in 2018/2019 how I was talking to my best friend about him and how I got so confused whether I was having feelings for him or that he just was a really good friend. He confused and confuses me a lot. I ended up pushing whatever feelings I had (which I now realize were feelings) down the drain and brushing him off as “like a brother” to me. That was the thing. It was and is a lot complicated because we’re the exact opposites (for reference, he’s a Libra and I’m an Aries!) and what made what we had complicated was that despite the fact that we were indeed opposites, we were close and there were a lot of things that I was shared with him that I didn’t even share with my closest friends. We just got each other.

For even more context, opening up to people is hard for me. I find it difficult to open up to people who I’m not close with. And the thing about him is that, we talk a lot and in those times we do talk, we’re honest to each other to a fault and I end up sharing with him more than I thought I would.

It’s so strange — that’s how I would characterize it — because there are things about his personality that I don’t particularly like (don’t me wrong, we’re good friends), but also he’s the one person that I feel oddly at peace with — enough to share even the most kept secrets in my heart.

And so, as you probably have anticipated, this girl grew so attached. The One I Wrote About and Confused Feelings For was my safe space. We would talk about the most mundane things and also have the deepest conversations. Every time I found myself in a bad place, he would instinctively be there for me — call me or find some way to reach me (and I do the same for him).

Of all the three, our story is one that’s particularly harder for me to write not because he broke my heart, but I guess because for the most part, this was years in the making. I denied it for so long. I put it aside thinking that it was nothing but well, there was something — at least on my end. For a long time, we were close friends and when I realized that he mattered to me on a different level — one that I took so long to get to, it was too late. Our story is one of my favorites to tell because it’s ours and I would have never thought that he would matter to me as much as he did and does.

That’s the thing about The One I Wrote About and Confused Feelings For. When I knew that I had developed some feelings for him but just didn’t know whether it was platonic love or something else entirely, I was already resigned and happy with the fact that he is a part of my life. I don’t know whether it was him or I that friendzoned the other first (or maybe I did when I considered him “like a brother”) but then and now, it didn’t matter to me. It didn’t matter because I already knew that he was special to me and it wouldn’t change anything, and it hasn’t.

The One I Wrote About and Confused Feelings For, more than anything else, taught me to set boundaries. Those boundaries are there not for him not to cross, but for me. They are there so that the next time I do crush on someone — tibak or not — or the next time I admit feelings for someone or the next time I write about and for someone and confuse feelings for, it wouldn’t be as hard of a process as it was and that so, I would be more sure of myself. They are there so that the next time, the one about feelings would be more — whatever that means and wherever that leads.