An awkward confession of feelings; A Desi Perspective
By: Jigyasa Sharma
Tags: Womanhood, Relationships, Feelings, Teenage Girl, Crush

Here is a random aesthetic photo of my favourite pair of shoes!

Before I start venting about my experience, I am at an obligation to tell you all a little about myself to give this story a better perspective. So, in the 16 years of my existence, I have built quite a reputation for myself, especially in school. Added to my tall and “thicc” physique, I have quite a daunting personality. I compete in literary, debate, and academic competitions, I do MUNs (Model United Nations, for those who don’t know). I am quite politically opinionated and love to call people out on their BS, and hence misogynistic Indian teenage boys are my usual prey.

Due to all of this, I tend to be viewed as a bit “unapproachable”. To be very honest with you all here, it is kind of a double-edged sword. On one hand, I am immune to cat-calls, objectification, and misbehaviour from my hormonal male classmates. But on the other hand, this situation causes the Rom-Com loving, “uwu” girl inside me to take a hit in her need to be likeable and maybe even have a beautiful romantic significant other.

I know, you all must be sitting there thinking, “Jigyasa, the one who isn’t scared of putting guys in their places, needs a boy to validate herself?” And you are right, I don’t. But sometimes, maybe in my bouts of insecurity, it is nice to know that there is someone out there who crushes on you because of who you are as a person and finds you beautiful that way. Anyways moving on from all of that crippling self-pity, let me tell you how me, the stoic Jigyasa, Indira Gandhi (or Margaret Thatcher for my foreign readers) of her school, confessed her feelings to a boy, that to, older than her (just by a few years).

Now I had liked this boy for a long time. And by long time I mean solid three years. So, if any adult is reading this, that’s like a super long time to like someone. Some might say it’s even creepy to like someone this long, but I like to be positive in life. To give more insight here, social circles in schools are everything. It’s quite different here in India, but it’s definitely there. (Also please note, the only reference I have regarding High School Cliques is through Mean Girls, so sue me if that’s wrong, or maybe don’t, I really can’t afford a lawyer). So, added by the definite age gap, he was in way different biosphere than I was so there wasn’t even a chance of a relationship, ever. Thus, there never was a question in my mind to “act” on these feelings. Right, so suddenly, why make a fool of yourself now? Well, you see, it was his last year in school. I know that poor guy didn’t deserve it but I thought that maybe I needed that closure. Or maybe my friends really convinced me that I did need that intense feeling of having to let go. So, on the fine afternoon of my last exam, I decided it was the day.

The moment I had decided, I would do it, I got superhot (not by looks, unfortunately). My friends told me I had a glow to my face and a twinkle in my eye and potentially a hop in my steps. But all I can remember feeling is my ears being so freaking hot and palms being super sweaty. Now like all cliches ever, I couldn’t find him the whole day. But then that guy saunters into my line of vision at dispersal, just at the moment where I had almost convinced myself that I was too chicken to do it. But the intense surge of adrenaline and that literal push by my friends propelled me into spilling my feelings that I had held so dear to me for the past 3 years.

Okay my dear readers, I hate to say this, the culmination of the confession all is very anti-climactic. Unlike all the lies that were fed to me by Bollywood; there was no flowers, there was no “lalalalala” DDLJ music, there was no fulfilling of my unrequited “love”. He just awkwardly smiled back at me, said “Thank You”, patted my back and left. I mean not that I blame him or anything because it was super crowded and anything beyond patting backs between two people of opposite gender in India would be sacrilegious. But maybe he could have said something more. Not that he liked me back, but something more than a “thank you” would have been really nice (I mean I would have melted right there if he had said something more so probably, he was just exercising caution).

However, there was one thing unexpected that I took home from this entire ordeal. It was way liberating and freeing than I could ever fathom. Though if you had asked me to my face if I believed that only a man should always approach a woman, I would have said it was BS. But after that moment I realised that I may never acknowledge it, I had internalised the fact that I inherently expected a guy to make the first move. I even asked one of my guy friends on how he would feel if a girl approached him rather than he himself doing it and he just smugly grinned at me and said “Awesome”. So, whoever you are on the gender spectrum, it’s always amazing when you are open about how you feel about someone and saying it. There is nothing more liberating than breaking those pre conceived notions you have about your own life and actions. Also, I feel at the end of the day the reward of being vulnerable with someone superseded my inhibitions and fear of being ridiculed. Maybe sometimes you might even have your heartbroken, but there is nothing more unfettered than a relaxed shoulder, a light heart and an eased mind.