A Letter to Blue
By: Jasmine Cuza
Tags: Newborn, Diary, Single Mom Hustle, Articles, Letters

Photo by Jasmine Cuza

Dear Morocco Blue,

I would be lying if I said I expected your arrival. I didn’t plan on being a young mom and I don’t think anybody does. I had my life planned out in my head and I thought I had everything I needed but God knew what I needed and he knew I needed you. I’ll never understand why these things happen. I’ll never understand the word “fate” or the phrase “everything happens for a reason.” Sometimes things happen unexpectedly when you least expect them. You are going to learn someday that you need to adjust and work with whatever is thrown your way. You will be living life and all of a sudden life will throw you a curveball. The best piece of advice I can give you when that happens is to pick up your bat and aim for a home run. It’s not going to be easy but nobody said it was.

I was only 19-years-old and in my second year of college when I found out I was pregnant with you. Before you came into my life everything seemed like an obstacle. I used to think that having a project due in three days was hard. I used to think walking five miles to school was hard and I even thought high school break-ups were hard. Nobody knows what “hard” really is until they are hit with the struggle. Though I am young and many people think I am “naive” and I’m not supposed to know everything at this age, one thing I do know and I’m certain of is the unconditional love I have for you will never change.

Nobody knows what “hard” really is until they are hit with the struggle.

I used to feel like a failure because I could not pass math or solve a scientific equation. I am a failure because I fell in love at a young age and it did not work out. I am a failure because now you are going to have to go through the struggle with me. As a mother, it’s my job to protect you and uplift you and I feel like I failed you. The road ahead is going to be tedious and long but we are going to get through it and that is my promise to you. I will make it up to you someday.

I was young and in love but I guess what I thought was “love” was actually lust. When you are young you are vulnerable and gullible and sometimes oblivious to the truth. Love hurts no matter how old you are and just like a math equation love can be hard to figure out. I thought I found love when I met your dad but I ended up leaving him because that was the best thing I did for myself. Your dad is not a bad guy so don’t ever think that. Sometimes things just don’t work out and I hope someday you realize that. If your dad decides to pursue a relationship with you in the future I’m not going to stop him because, in the end, he is your dad. Just know you can’t force somebody to stay in your life. I could never hate your dad because he is the reason I have you. I must admit though, the first time I felt the feeling of love was watching you on my ultrasound and hearing your heartbeats. Your heart was beating 163 beats per minute. That day you gave me 163 reasons to keep going. I didn’t know what real love from a man was until I saw you. In a way, I needed the pain from a heartbreak to learn. I know better now and I want you to know that. I’ll never settle for less again. There was an empty space in my heart I never thought I would fill but you made it complete. If I ever meet another man it’s gonna be hard to love him and in the end, you are all the love I need.

The road ahead is going to be tedious and long but we are going to get through it and that is my promise to you.

I was in the middle of making my dreams into reality and got distracted. When I was supposed to have my brain in the books it was too busy listening to my heart. I have dreams like every young person my age. I’m in the middle of accomplishing my goals and you came and now you are a part of my dream. I’ll make it work somehow but I admit I really do not have a game plan.

I’m studying Journalism and Spanish right now in college. I’ll get my associate's soon and hopefully, I’ll get my bachelor's two years from now. I want to be famous in the future. Maybe work for a radio station or be a news anchor. The thing is I don’t want to struggle for money. I never want to wonder where our next meal will come from. I never want you sleeping without a roof over your head. It makes me sick inside knowing we are gonna struggle for awhile. There is beauty in every struggle and I can say you are the beauty in my struggle. I hope this experience will humble you.

Though I am young and many people think I am “naive” and I’m not supposed to know everything at this age, one thing I do know and I’m certain of is the unconditional love I have for you will never change.

I cry myself to sleep every night wondering how I am going to take care of you and juggle school. I’m a single mother and gonna raise a young man. There are going to be long sleepless nights ahead. I don’t know how to do this. This seems unfair but I was too busy having fun and these are the consequences that come with having too much fun. I was given two options when I was six weeks pregnant with you. I knew I never wanted an abortion because who am I to avoid my responsibilities. Getting rid of you would’ve been so easy but dealing with the aftermath of losing you would’ve been hard. I would’ve been filled with guilt and I didn’t need that. In a way, you saved me God sent you my way to save me. Before you came the only thing important to me was seeing how many tequila shots I could take before getting drunk or which parties I was going to go-to for the week. I feel your kicks and I don’t feel alone anymore and you have given me a different mindset. I would’ve been dead and gone but you give me a purpose to keep going.

There is beauty in every struggle and I can say you are the beauty in my struggle. I hope this experience will humble you.

If there’s one thing I pray for that’s for you to go to school. I hope you graduate from school and get good grades. I want to make you happy and I want you to believe that you can accomplish anything you want. Always remember that dreams can be turned into reality with hard work and ambition. I want you to find love someday. I hope you treat her good and watching me go through my struggles it would push you to be a better man. The world needs more gentlemen living in it. My main goal is to keep you off the streets and out of jail. There are women out there who lose their sons to gang violence and drugs every day. Don’t hang around the wrong crowd. Sometimes it’s a good thing to stand out instead of being in the mix. Treat others with respect and you will receive it in return. Please do not have kids young; it’s not worth it. Raising a kid ain’t all it cut out to be. You will have all the time in the world to have a family. Protect your heart it’s taking me nine months to make it don’t let a girl break it in two seconds.

Your heart was beating 163 beats per minute. That day you gave me 163 reasons to keep going.

In the end Blue, I am always going to protect you. There are times you are going to fall but I will give you the tools to pull yourself out of every sticky situation. The world can be a scary place but being human is learning to deal with it and face the music. Life is what you make of it and I want you to make the most of it. Someday I will take you traveling with me and I can not wait to show you the world. Many know me as Jasmine but you will forever know me as mom and this is my letter to you.

Love,

Mom