Teach your child to silence the bully within
By: Carmen Rodrigues
Tags: Self Improvement, Children, Parenting, Bullying, Procrastination

Lately, I’ve read a good deal on the consequences of negative self talk. When you work with students who are struggling, it’s easy to see that many of them participate in this activity daily.

Some berate themselves over poor grades.

Others, over faulty time management.

Or missing the mark again and again and again.

Honestly, it’s heartbreaking.

Rather quickly into my time as an executive function coach, I realized that I needed to do more to stop this pattern of self-abuse. And with some research, I came up with a plan to help students “reframe” their challenges.

Photo by Alfonso Reyes on Unsplash

Simply put, “reframing” is looking at the same problem through a new lens. When done right, it’s a way of seeing the metaphorical glass not as half empty or half full but at its exact measurement on that given day.

It’s about taking a step back to see the big picture.

It’s about teaching kids a technique to “self soothe.”

It’s important that parents, teachers, and other caretakers assume this task, because, according to Maryland psychologist Mary Alvord in an NPR article on this very topic, “This tendency can lead to chronic anxiety, depression and anger, and can interfere with relationships and success in school.”

This behavior can make your child sick and, more immediately noticeable, immobile.

I know this to be true because I see it all the time with my students. Once the negative self talk starts, they stop — frozen with the fear that any action will make everything worse.

That means homework doesn’t get done.

Child to parent transparency disappears.

Unproductive screen time goes up.

Grades fall sharply.

More importantly, so does self esteem.

Again, according to Alvord, you have to look out for signs of negative self talk. She identifies them under these four categories: “catastrophizing,” “zooming in on the negative,” insisting that “it’s not fair,” and collapsing into the belief that “I can’t.”

Now pause here. Did your child display any of these behaviors today? If not today, yesterday? The last time he or she had a big project? Attempted to learn something new — something that required practice?

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Most likely, the answer is yes, yes, yes. The good news is that you can help.

How?

Modeling the behavior you’d like to see your child emulate.

M odeling a patient and curious approach to challenges will allow your child to place a new frame on their own challenges, viewing them as opportunities for exploration and persistence rather than self-judgement and pessimism.

With modeling, you can show a frustrated child how to embody the belief that ‘practice makes better.’

Better, not perfect.

For those suffering from procrastination fueled by fear of failure or mediocrity, perfection is the enemy of done. And to quote Elizabeth Gilbert, “Done is better than perfect.”

The Practical Exercise

Photo by TJ Dragotta on Unsplash

One way that I modeled this mindset for a young student was through a modified version of HORSE.

Yes, that game in basketball where you stand in a circle and attempt to make a series of increasingly bizarre shots.

In the modified version , I would stand in a spot and attempt a shot, which I would inevitably miss. I would then say, “Hmmm… Didn’t make it that time, but I bet if I tried six more times, I would make it. Because you know practice makes better.”

I would then let her pick a spot from which to make the next shot. If the student didn’t make that shot, I would encourage her to practice patience by staying in the same spot and estimating how many times it would take to get the shot in the basket.

After her own shot — from that same spot or if she chose, another — I would continue my own attempts, failing over and over again, all the while modeling how you can fail without feeling like a failure, without catastrophizing that you will be a failure at this game FOREVER and, furthermore, a failure IN ALL AREAS OF LIFE.

I would say things like, “I’m getting closer, right? Maybe if I lean my body to the left more, that would change my outcome? Let’s see.” And, “Not yet, but I feel better about my grip on the ball.”

Eventually, I made the shot, typically around the sixth or seventh time, and then I would say something like, “Wow, practice really does make better. I’m glad I kept trying. That was a lot of fun.” I would also affirm when my student repeated the behavior I modeled.

And repeat she did.

I will note that when modeling in a game setting, it’s important not to pretend to be bad at something.

It’s important to actually pick something you are bad at. It’s important for your kids to see you struggle in the same way they are struggling.

This way they can see you have a “stretch moment” without losing your cool. They can see you being curious about that process of growth (your grip on the ball as an example), and also about celebrating victories big (making the basket) and small (improving your technique).

And there will be times when you don’t make the shot at all. That’s a good moment to say, “Hmm… this shot’s getting the best of me. I’m going to try a different shot and come back to this another time. I’ve got (years/months/days) to practice being better at this, so no pressure to get this one shot right now. It will come eventually.”

The subtext here is that the game is not ruined through lack of achievement. It continues on. You continue on, happily.

— Carmen Rodrigues