The Man With A 30 Foot Penis
By: Robert Bush
Tags: Satire, Short Story, Humor, History, Life

The Man With A 30 Foot Penis

Only in England

Picture by author

We have in England something that we as a Nation are extremely proud of, and that is a man with a 30-foot penis.

OK, it’s not an actual man and it’s not a real penis — don’t be silly.

The man was in fact made by digging an outline into the grass on the side of a mountain and filling it with chalk pieces so that from a distance it looks like a man.

A man with a huge erection. And testicles to match. As in the picture above.

It’s in Cerne Abbas in Dorset in the West Country; it’s 180 feet high in total and is a feature bringing huge interest and a great number of visitors to the local area.

It’s known as the Cerne Abbas Giant and it’s a huge part of local folklore.

The history of it is unknown but it’s thought to date from the 17th century, and some people think it’s representative of some sort of Saxon deity, while others think it’s supposed to be Hercules although why Hercules should be depicted on an English hillside is extremely vague.

Hercules was a Roman god but the Romans left England in the fifth century so it seems pretty unlikely.

The very strange thing is that the Cerne Abbas Giant is depicted as a very odd shaped man with his left nipple lower than the right and only three ribs either side and a very small head; I mean, who really knows what’s going on here? It’s all a bit weird, and to be honest, a bit scary.

Every May Day is celebrated by a local group of Morris Dancers who dance close to the penis at dawn, and this has been known to draw large crowds. If the weather is nice.

If you’ve never heard of Morris Dancing, it’s basically men with handkerchiefs and bells and sticks and odd clothing dancing strange dances to accordion music. Yes, you did read that correctly.

Watch below, and no laughing.

Morris dancing is a kind of English folk tradition which dates back to the 15th century and quite a few people still indulge today. They can often be seen dancing in pub gardens or in the High Street in country towns and villages strutting their strange stuff and frightening the children.

Anyway, going back to the giant penis; it would be unusual if a member of that size wasn’t seen by some as some kind of mysterious sexual symbol with magical powers, and sure enough, it is not uncommon for childless women to spend the night sleeping on top of the penis to try and get pregnant.

Also, men with sexual problems have tried spending the night sitting on the huge erection hoping for a cure, however, there is no evidence that children have been conceived or erectile dysfunction problems have been solved by close proximity to the penis; the only physical effects reported to date have been a touch of frostbite if the weather turns bad overnight.

The Cerne Abbas Giant also wields a large and strangely shaped club of some sort. It’s not clear why this is.

The countryside around the Giant is beautiful, and Cerne Abbas is a very pretty little village, but it all seems a bit odd to me, slightly surreal and other-worldly.

I have never been there.

There is apparently no truth in the rumour that local inhabitants have six fingers and six toes, and walk around at night in a pale green aura.

And I’m never going to go there.