What The Bullying Does To My Psychiatric Condition As an Adult
By: A Shayens Abran
Tags: Bullying, About Me, Beyourself, Mental Health, Psychology

It’s the real me, Medium atmosphere made me finally get around to write my life out. In the previous story, I have written about my childhood, dealt with some weirdness and getting bullied both at home and school.

For years, I live in anxious feelings. Grew up in the surroundings which has less awareness about mental health and only judge things based on two opposite labellings; strong vs weak, good and bad, look normal or quirky, made me (as a kid and teenager who involuntary lied in the seconds negative party) getting so much pressures to be perfect as supposed any typical people should be.

And as oftentimes I couldn’t accomplish their expectations and unfit with any of the standard criterias, had positioned me to become object of shaming and bullying.

Live alone with this odd personalities within “all normal people” and by the effect of the bullies, had made me thinking that I’m the unlucky one in this earth. At that childhood and adolescent period when every kids need life mentors to form and develop great mentality, I didn’t even get enough portion of it.

The elder people, teachers, even my close families, no one of them gave much attention to what the things that caused me to have the oddnesses. Rather than telling or referring that I’m possible to have personality disorder issues, in fact they kept labelling that I’m abnormal, nerd, strange.

Image by Cherry Laithang via Unsplash

Absolutely, the bad treatments from other people around me, included my close family make it more damaging. It has been extremely affecting me as an adult, drain my self-esteem, crush my confidence, limiting my capability to work and earning money for my needs.

These are the real struggles of me that mostly related to the way I interact with other people, and the the way I see the world outside of me.

I’m lonely and anxious in the crowd

Honestly, I always do not feel connected to be around people even since kid. In the school party, I often could hear some kids murmuring about me who’s like statue or the alien kid who lost in thoughts and befogged.

Found that I was different compared to other people, thus made me lonely in the crowd. It seemed only me to have these oddnesses as I have never found another kids who had same condition like me.

At that time, I didn’t get much access about mental health. In my country, when I was in high school, the computer era was just in its initial introduction, even the term of internet hadn’t ever been existed (Now you can have a guess how old I am :-)

Outside of my own world seems to be so overwhelming, instinctively I make a choice to life alone as it’s easier to handle. I would prefer stay at home than go to public place, or watching movies than go out with friends and family.

I avoid neighbor gathering, not because I see it useless, I’m just terrified and anxious in front of other people.

I’m always afraid to make any form of relationship with other people

When I was a kid, I enjoyed playing alone as all around me and my innate personality conditioned me to be like that. I have my own world, didn’t easy to be close to someone and no have emotional closeness for everyone I met, even with my father.

Now as an adult, I avoid too personal or intens conversation. When someone DM me on facebook and asking where I’m come from, I will feel suspicious and will often chose to quietly end the chat and any other connections.

I would willingly give response to a stranger who is asking to vote for their cat than a say hello message, as the former feels like invading my personal side.

Even if it’s regarded to my work, for example, currently a medium editor asked to inform my Telegram to help me connect with him related to my writing. Though I saw it was useful, I felt reluctant to create account. I imagined that I would be involved in intens messaging with him. However eventually, I still create my account and told him in the email (with my old phone I can’t send medium private note). And it seems he doesn’t find my email, and oddly I feel relieved for that.

I even have minimum interaction with my mom, dad and all people at home. I almost never talk to them, I only reach out to them only for something really important, the things that in my conscious feeling I have to do it.

There's no intimate conversation between me and them. It’s me to just make it like that.

I have a worse self-assurance

I have to think thousand times to make a decision for something I intend to do. I will usually spend a day to a week considering the pros and cons of it while other would just in minutes can be confidently fixed with their decision.

I have to encounter a great deal of anxieties during these dilematic situation over and over, oftentimes only ended up with faltered determination or even just wasted my time with no action taken.

What’s more unnerving is if it has interconnection with other people outside of me where I have to deliver my intention, my decision or my detail project to them.

Though I tend to comfortably do things by myself, sometimes I have to approach my family member, because some of the plans would still need to communicate with my family and getting their approval, or due to my limited capability, I would need their help to make my plan run well.

Usually this phase is the hard moments to encounter. It’s so tiring and mentally distressing, as honestly with my cronic self-doubt plus minimum skill, I always need someone to conduct me reaching my goal and focus with my determination, to stay calm and confident with the things I’m doing.

I’m uncomfortable to show any emotions

I know naturally born with shyness and introverted. Also incurious and oftentimes couldn’t recognise my own feeling for some kinds of situation, thus don’t know how to deliver the real feelings I have.

People all around recognize me as a calm, shy and introvert kid. And the bad treatments have made it worsen, I always feel worry to show any of my expressions which is naturally very subtle.

I’m almost never laughing (in from of people), and really don’t know about to feel its sensation and how to do it with my rigid vocal cords. We know that laughing from the heart is good for our health and mood, so you could measure my happiness level :-)

I would just smile awkwardly when getting a special good (which is actually in my wish list), while others would be screaming surprisedly when getting the same good.

Now people mostly see me a cold person, unhappy, mysterious, unpredictable and arrogant.

Actually I can still feel the happiness, sadness, upset, but all are like hidden and hindered in the deepest of my heart, and can’t be expressed clearly through facial expression.

My confidence is overly low

I find social situations isn’t easy. I have low self-esteem. I’m afraid of being criticized. It’s not because I want to always appear perfect or craving to be on top of other people. My fear is about a possibility I’m failure to meet certain standard as expected.

It’s just my intuition to always feel not good enough for overyone and really deserve for any complains. So, I’m always scared doing something new because worrying of possibly getting any critics.

It’s different to be like when I submit my article to a Medium publication and get corrections from editor, actually it feel okey for me. It’s something more than that, I usually worry of their expectation for providing good article or my writing looks weird.

I’m afraid someone would be pointing out my odd behaviour or to attack me based on my shortcomingst.

Is this my writing useful for readers?

I know, there are a lot of people who might have more degrees of bitterness than me, but can you imagine to live with this personality condition? Physically I’m normal, but mentally I’m unusual and depressed.

I always feel I could never be like others and can’t do things which other people can be so easily to do.

The bad experience in the past, have made me to often feel unlovable, awkward and incompetent. It’s frustrating that it is so hard to be like other people generally.

And it’s all started by the superiority, ignorant behaviour, lack of respect for someone who doesn't meet a certain standard, and the low awareness about mental health!