Does Using a Pen Name Make You a Scaredy Cat?
By: Holly Bradshaw
Tags: Sexuality, Women, Writing, Sex, Culture

Does Using a Pen Name Make You a Scaredy Cat?

Being called out for protecting our safety online as sex writers

Photo by Jeffrey Buchbinder on Unsplash

I recently came across an article that called out sex writers who use pen names as being “pussies.”

Okay…

The author invited others to share their thoughts, and I have a few. No, I don’t owe anyone an explanation (or my real name), but I’m happy to give several. (Explanations, I mean, not names.)

I’m passionate about the writing biz, and the decision to use a pen name or not is a fascinating and personal one. I love to study people and why they do what they do, and I won’t judge a writer whether they use a pseudonym or not.

Let’s, for the moment, put a pin in the fact that the author, a woman, is using the word “pussy” in a derogatory way. Like, pussies are cowardly or inauthentic.

I love pussies. They’re beautiful. So I really don’t mind being called one. Except in this case, I know the connotation is negative.

We Are Our Words

I write honestly and with vulnerability about my views on sex, relationships, abuse, mental health, and parenting — so you get my deepest and darkest secrets.

If you really want to get to know me, the best way to do that is not by learning my legal name (which has changed a couple times after being married and divorced anyway), but by reading everything I’ve published on my blog.

You’ll learn my age and my educational background. You’ll learn the intimate details about my experiences being sexually assaulted, abused, loved, neglected. You’ll learn that my ex-husband gave me an STI, my first blow job was actually rape, and even though I was brought up to have a lot of shame and embarrassment around my sexual development, I’ve worked through a lot and I love to have a kinky good time.

You can read my work and learn of my successes and my failures, both. These experiences are my own, no matter what name I use to publish them. I think some writer, somewhere, said, “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.”

Well, rest assured. This pussy smells pretty darn sweet.

Badass Sex Writers With Powerful Pen Names

A large part of why I write is for me — I love to do it, and it’s therapeutic. I also love to talk about real and important things that happen and share them with others who might benefit from what I’ve learned, or maybe just feel a little less alone knowing someone out there has experienced something similar.

But not only do I bare my soul in my writing. I also have a podcast, so I give my voice. I like to take erotic photos of myself and share them online, so I give my tits, a little peek of my vulva, my ass — and even parts of my face and hair here and there.

But I don’t give full-body images. And I don’t give my real name. That may change in the future, but right now, those things are hard limits for me.

And let me tell you something about hard limits in this supportive and accepting sex-positive community I’ve come to discover and enjoy and fall in love with: hard limits are respected. Hard limits are not mocked as being cowardly.

Some of the most talented and successful sex bloggers I know use pen names.

There’s Kayla Lords — one of the first sex writers I came to know and love. She’s always been open about her use of a pen name:

“Having a pen name may allow you to get into character or a different mindset. You can shed your non-sexual, “vanilla” self, and write about sex more freely. I know my name does for me. I am Kayla Lords, and yet under my real name, I’m different. As Kayla, I’m freer, less inhibited, and down to discuss all kinds of kinky fuckery. Under my given name, I’m much more reserved.”

I have never related to someone’s explanation of using a pen name more than hers. Only, in my every-day life, I’m only slightly more reserved.

Kayla goes on to make the very true point that choosing whether or not to use a pen name when you write about sex is up to you. It’s about what works for the writer. It’s not to be judged or bashed. It’s simply a personal choice.

Then there’s Girl on the Net. That’s not even a name at all! It’s a phrase! And she’s one of the best around.

And don’t forget Meaghan Ward, Emma Austin, Demeter deLune, Bradlee Bryant, and countless others here who are shifting the narrative.

Notable Reasons For A Nom de Plume

1. Safety

Internet dangers are real. Some people get attached. Some people want more from you than your writing. They want to steal your money, or stalk you online. Maybe even pay you a visit in person.

These things aren’t typical, but they do happen. A pseudonym is a form of protection. Kind of like wearing a mask during the pandemic. We put all the safety measures we can in place to protect our identity from crazed fans who think all we want to do is bang them. Or from people who think we make money. Or maybe people who want to out us.

I’ve spoken with moms going through custody battles or nasty divorces, and if their sex writing got out, it could definitely be used against them. There are still those out there who, unfairly, hold a prejudice against women who write explicit sex and erotica.

2. Branding Reasons

My real name isn’t remotely sexy or even a little bit playful. It just doesn’t fit with my niche. Many professional writers will use a pseudonym that sounds like a character in their own genre or one that reflects the topics they’re passionate about.

It gives our work a little razzle-dazzle. And, a pen name is just one more opportunity to make our writing shine and stand out in a competitive and oversaturated space.

Or, once a writer is established in one niche or genre, they may opt to use a pen name to branch out into other areas they’re passionate about. Agatha Christie, for instance, is synonymous with mystery. So when she wanted to start writing romance, she picked a new moniker: Mary Westmacott.

Also, no one can see my maiden name on paper or the screen and pronounce it correctly. Absolutely no one. It doesn’t help if you want people to share your work via word of mouth. To all the Herb Ertlinger’s out there, I feel you.

“Come taste the difference good fruit can make in your wine. You’ll remember the experience and you’ll remember the name. Herb Erfling … ger. Burt Herngeif. Irv Herb-blinger. Bing Livehaanger. Liveling. Burt Herkurn. Ban bingo ling-fucker!” — Moira Rose

3. Professional Reasons

Some of us want to keep our options open, career-wise. Maybe we don’t want to always or only blog about sex. Maybe we write about sex because it’s our passion, but we would also like to find more steady work and apply for a job with another individual or company.

Maybe writing about sex or humor or any honest topic about our personal lives could keep us from getting that job. If potential employers can Google our real name and see everything we put out there, they can form judgments based on our opinions. It’s not fair, but it can and does happen.

I myself have a full-time job as a corporate writer. I have health insurance, retirement, paid time off, benefits, room to grow, an incredible team of women colleagues, and a decent salary that comes whether I’m busy at work or not. I also have incredible fulfillment there because I get to exercise my passion for journalism, conduct interviews, and create stories.

I realize this is an incredible privilege. One I worked my ass off to get after 10 years as a kitchen cook and daycare employee, being paid $9 per hour while I was a single mom on food stamps, finishing my degree part-time.

I don’t think I’d want to give up my day job even if my blogging takes off. And I can’t emphasize how much my sex blogger brand does not vibe with my corporate world. If this stuff was out there under my real name before I applied, I don’t think I would have gotten the gig.

4. Protecting Others

Because I write my real-life experiences, which do happen to involve other people from time to time, I also use a pen name as a way to protect the innocent (or, in many cases, the not-so-innocent).

These people in my life did not consent to my giving out their intimate details. But I do share the details when they involve my journey and my story. So, I protect everyone by changing names so that people who know them don’t stumble upon my stories online.

I also want to protect my partner in crime, my hubby, who so generously allows me to write about him because he supports what I do. But also, because I’m anonymous.

When I write about his sexuality and his sexual attraction to men, something he’s not fully “out” with, it’s not for me to out him. Other men have written to me, asking me questions because they are dealing with similar situations. I’m grateful to be of help in any way, and it’s a pen name that has allowed me to do it.

Lastly, I want to protect my family from reading titillating tales about what I get up to sexually. No, my mom and dad don’t need all the erotic details. Neither does my teenage son. YIKES, right?

There are even more reasons. Some simple, some more complicated. Maybe someone out there in the blogosphere happens to have your same name and is already well known. Maybe you need a fresh start. Maybe you’re known for putting out some really rough work, and now that you’ve brushed up on your skills, you want to shed the old reputation.

Whatever your niche, whatever your genre, whatever your reason to use a real name or a pen name — it’s valid.

We Own Our Work — And Our Creative Name

Yes, we’re proud of our work. We’re proud to be sex-positive and to help normalize fun and difficult conversations about sex. But just because we have a stage name, that doesn’t make us own our words any less. It’s about the craft of writing and using it to connect with the world. It’s about the real stories we tell.

Our names do not affect our opinions. We all have voices, and we all have the right to use them, anonymous or not.

If using a pen name makes me a “pussy,” then you can call me the biggest damn pussy around.

Pussies are, after all, incredibly lovely.