Stop Wasting Your Life in the Pursuit of More and Different
By: Jason Weiland
Tags: Family, Mindfulness, Life, Mental Health, Life Lessons

Stop Wasting Your Life in the Pursuit of More and Different

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, so let’s stop lying to ourselves

Photo by Pablo Varela on Unsplash

If I could break my whole sad life down to one word that would allow me to show you the folly of not being grateful for what you have in life, that word would be longing.

No matter where I was currently in my life, one thing was always the same. No matter what I did or did not have, or how much better off I was than my neighbor, I not only wanted more, but I also wanted different.

20 years old. Child on the way. Married for three years. With not even a high school diploma, I worked my way into a shift manager position in a major hamburger chain. I was getting the bills paid, sometimes with a little help from my dad. I had a car. I made more money and lived better than the majority of the people I knew. Was I happy? Nope. I spent every waking hour thinking about what it would be like to be with a different woman, win the lottery, drive a fancy car, travel, on and on ad nauseam. I was never happy and would never be.

35 years old. Three children. Big mortgage. Big second mortgage. Making over 100K per year. I hadn’t sat around the past 15 years dreaming about a different life. I went to college. I taught myself coding and web design. I landed increasingly higher paying jobs until I settled in Boston, and I finally had money, but I wasn’t happy. I spent all my time wishing for a different life, wife, job, house, face, body, and mind. I was a mentally ill burnout who spent all his waking hours stoned and still wishing for more and different.

52 years old. After a divorce and moving to the other side of the world, I finally have a few things I am grateful for. I have a wife who appears to love me unconditionally and a total of five kids — two being under 8-years-old. I’ve fought a bloody battle with mental illness and have come to somewhat of a truce at times. I can write consistently when I am not having psychotic episodes, and I am starting to build my reputation.

You would think I would finally be happy, right?

I still want more and different. Even though I have little ones at home, I want to travel. Even though I am working as hard as I can to be financially successful, it’s not happening fast enough. I daydream about what it will be like when I am making thousands instead of hundreds. I still dream of winning the lottery. I don’t think about more and different women because I am delighted with my wife, but money is almost like an obsession — a mistress that would fulfill my every need.

I have a do-over. I screwed up my first marriage and destroyed my relationship with my first three kids because I was always too sick and too focused on getting the things I longed for. I have a chance now to impact my children’s lives by being present and grateful, but all I can think about is working harder. I have a partner who craves my attention, and I’m too focused on giving her all the things she ever wanted.

I work myself until I am so tired that I can’t fight the depression and the voices that try to control my brain. When I’m not sick, I am feverish in my quest to do more. I feel like If I can do more, I could finally get all those things I have been dreaming about my entire life and be able to give everyone I love the things they want.

I’m always working.

And when I’m not working, I’m thinking of work. Even when I have the chance to spend quality time with my kids, I’m often distracted or staring at social media on my phone, trying to promote and engage with my audience.

If I can break through this ceiling and start making money, I can travel. I can have that new laptop I want. My wife can have the latest car she keeps talking about. I can start saving for my kid’s college. I can help my mom and dad and my three boys in the States.

We could finally move my whole family to the U.S. and allow my wife and kids to see another way of life. They only know life here in the Philippines, and I would love to take them for a $5 ‘Pizza! Pizza!’ in the land of the free and home of the brave.

So I work. And I work harder. And maybe I miss out on some things with my kids, and I don’t have the best relationship with my wife because I’m distant and distracted all the time.

If I could finally fill the longing for more and different, aren’t some sacrifices worth it?