My Experience So Far as a Highschool Student in 2020
By: Leila B
Tags: High School, Online School, Diary, Covid 19, Sophomore Year

To be honest, I’ve been journaling for a while so far, starting a few months back when it was well into my Sophomore year. Looking back in my journal, it was the day I decided to chop off 9 inches of my hair that I had been growing out for years. I knew it was bound to happen at some point, whether its bleaching or dying my hair. Being a somewhat impulsive teenager, it was destined for me to do something extravagant in these endless days of boredom. Although even just a few months later, I’m still having dangerous thoughts of dying my hair.

I think part of me thinking about changing my appearance is the part of me that’s a little bit lost on who I am. With quarantine happening you hear so many stories of people having these massive glow-ups, gaining style and whatnot. Supposedly “finding who they are”. Being in the middle of that glow-up I’m wishing to have, I’ve found myself a little bit confused on this or that. Looking at myself in the mirror I’m thinking about what I could change to be better. Then when I make a drastic change I wonder if that was really the right idea to continue on the path of who I want to be.

I try my best to take time on it and not focus on myself too much. I’m only 15 with so much ahead of myself that I need to look forward to instead. As hard as it is to look forward to spending time with friends, I still need to think positive for when I see them again one day. It was nice at first, staying close with my small group of friends, hanging out every once in a while. Now that my community has gone into the purple zone with COVID, the only thing I have to look forward to is the next group facetime we all do. Now without being able to physically see them, I can’t tell the difference anymore between my “real” friends and my other online friends. I would put more effort into trying to hangout with them, but hanging out as a group isn’t the best idea right now. Being the awkward person I am, I’ve realized that it’s hard for me to open up when I just hang separately with one other person. My brain can’t seem to visualize myself with anyone other than my whole group together.

It’s not something I’m too bummed about. I wasn’t very extroverted to begin with so online school is something I can relax about. I feel very privileged when it comes to my feelings about quarantine. I can’t imagine how some students handle staying away from society for so long, especially the ones who gain energy off of talking with others. Or the students struggling with family issues. That has to be the absolute worst to be coped up inside all day with others you can’t get along with. Being in a good situation at home, I keep growing more thankful for it every day.

Online school is still tough, though. It’s a struggle to repeat the same routine every single day. You’re still bombarded with so much homework, even a few of my teachers grade so harshly. I complete a lot of my assignments well and on time, but on some occasions I have a hard time finding the motivation I need to get something done. There’s this one teacher I have who’s so intimating. The kind that pulls popsicle sticks to call on students when no one answers. He grades all my work extremely harsh. Among all my As in my other classes I have a B in his. On top of that, his class is not even an AP class. I get better grades in my AP and senior classes then I do in his.

There was one time I’ve tried asking a question on an assignment and everything he said kept getting more and more confusing. This teacher gets frustrated so easily, so when he began to have a hint of an impatient tone in his voice I got scared and said I understood even when I didn’t. It probably sounds petty but I really was on the verge of tears when he put me on the spot. He made me sound dumb in front of the rest of that class when all I did was ask a simple question. So from then on I didn’t feel any motivation to ask a question again, which sucks because he gives out participation points.

Thankfully, he didn’t give out a test for finals this semester, only a google form for us to evaluate his teaching and lessons he gave us. It was so surprising how generous he was to do that and gave me a perfect opportunity to share how I felt. I have to admit he’s a great teacher, just not the best for the shyer students in his class. Hopefully he’ll except some feedback on what I said.

Now that it’s winter break, I finally can relax without the stress of any classes or homework. It’s still hard to process that I don’t have to wake up everyday, ready to cram in my assignments. Even one of my friends said he was still checking to see if he had any homework just out of habit. It’s weird to have a totally stress free day.

I’m thankful for that, although last break I struggled with a lot of an anxiety with nothing to occupy my mind. Usually writing helps me break away from other thoughts, but when I’m on a writer’s block everything gets so frustrating. I try to pick up on hobbies, but sometimes the only thing I want to do is lay in bed all day. With someone like me, doing that usually messes up my whole schedule. If I skip one meal or even eat too much, my anxiety will kick in, thinking I’ll throw up just to the slightest sick feeling in my stomach. It’s impacting my thought process so much that I can’t seem to know the difference between hunger, being too full, blood sugar, or even just being bloated. I get freaked out at any slight discomfort, only wishing the pain would just go away. With school, I had something to distract my mind, helping me keep a tight schedule that I could rely on. But now I have so much free time it stresses me out.

All I can say now is that I’m trying my best to make it through everything. I’m not sure how long “everything” will last and what’s bound to happen after it. I’m not sure how well I’ll adjust if we went back to in-person school and regular days. It’ll be so new to a lot of us and definitely weird. I think it’s best right now to stay positive and think about the good things out of quarantine, whether it’s improving who you are or even being thankful some of your classes are easier. One of the most important things is certainly to make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Eating enough food, staying hydrated, working out, and getting an average amount of sleep. Try and stay in touch with your friends so they can keep you sane and be there when you need it. I think a lot of parents are oblivious to how much we need that contact. I don’t think a fair punishment is taking away a child’s phone. I don’t want to encourage being attached to a device, but I think part of growing up with social media is learning how to safe and respectful. It should also be important for a child to know when it’s appropriate to be on their phone and not be so absorbed in it all day (that’s also not good for you).

I wish everyone a safe and healthy quarantine. Happy Holidays!