Chimps, words and silence
By: Gerry Weiss
Tags: The Chimp Paradox, Impact Of Words, Think Before You Speak, Life Coaching, Coaching

I’m reading a great book at the moment. It’s called “The Chimp Paradox” by Professor Steve Peters. If you haven’t read it, then I would definitely recommend doing so. It’s extremely thought-provoking and gives you those “aha” moments.

The basic premise (and I’m really simplifying) is that we have three brains within our Psychological Mind; the Human, the Computer and the Chimp. The Human part is you and makes the logical decisions; the Computer holds all the info, it’s the storage area and the automatic functioning machine working 20 times faster than the Human; and then there’s the Chimp, our emotional engine, which works 5 times faster than the Human brain. The Chimp is that part of you that jumps to conclusions, makes those snap judgements (then stores them in the Computer to pull out later), and has those emotional reactions to things. It has the Flight, Fight, Freeze responses too, so definitely keeps us safe when needed. Prof Steve is keen to ensure we know that the Chimp is not good or bad, it’s just a chimp (sometimes a badly behaved one), and one who’s actions and words we are responsible for.

So we still have a responsibility for our words, even though our Chimp may have been faster to get the words out. I don’t know about you, but there have been many a time that I have said something, and then either immediately regretted it or, after reflecting on the conversation, thought of something kinder, more appropriate or less judgemental. I’ve also decided in some situations that silence would have been a better way of responding to someone. I think it’s easy to want to fill the gap in conversation with words before we have a chance to engage our Human brain.

Words are so powerful. I particularly like this quote: “Be careful with your words, once they are said, they can only be forgiven, not forgotten”. They can have such an impact on others; they can be inspiring and motivating, give confidence and offer reassurances. Or they can give that niggle of doubt, dampen your enthusiasm or confidence, or crush you completely. We have such a responsibility to think before we say something. Just because what you have to say meets your agenda, doesn’t mean it’s going to meet their agenda. Perhaps we should ask ourselves:

“How will they perceive my words?”

“What impact will my words have on that person?”

“Do I really need to say this?”

“Is this my Chimp talking?”

Prof Steve gives some tips on how to let our Chimps run wild without harming others; he calls it exercising them. Letting our Chimps loose on the unsuspecting public isn’t advisable. However, releasing your Chimp to yourself in private or someone who knows and loves you (and knows that this is only your chimp talking) is definitely more acceptable. Let it loose, and listen without comment. I’ve told my partner about this book and now he tells me to let my Chimp go wild while he listens to me rant for 10 minutes about something. He knows that I’m not directing my emotions towards him, and that helps me voice my Chimp thoughts on the matter in a controlled environment. Afterwards, I not only feel much better but also my Human brain has had time to kick in and I can then assess the facts and think logically about the situation. I’m very grateful that I have someone to let my Chimp loose on but I also have Chimp outbursts to myself in the mirror and to my dog (who is a great non-judgemental listener).

If you haven’t managed to have a rant to a caring listener and have mistakenly let loose on someone (who perhaps isn’t aware that this is your Chimp talking), that’s ok too. It’s normal and we all do it. However, it’s important to take responsibility for your words by apologising genuinely to the person (“I’m sorry I upset you”, rather than “I’m sorry if I upset you”). But also, don’t be too hard on yourself. Take it as a learning and work on understanding your Chimp more.

Your Chimp does have valuable things to contribute so don’t ignore it completely; it just needs to be managed. Prof Steve asks his readers to assess how they feel, what they are thinking or how they are behaving and question whether that’s what they want to feel, think or behave. If it’s a yes, then we are in Human mode and that’s great. If it’s a no, we are being hijacked by our Chimp and we need to start managing it.

So next time you feel you are being hijacked by your Chimp, pause until you have assessed the impact of your words or actions, or had a chance to exercise it in private. Hopefully this will help us all in being more mindful of the impact of our words.

Happy holidays!