Are All The Places Actually Bright?
By: Sarthak Devgun
Tags: Anxiety, Mental Health Awareness, Suicide Awareness, Depression

Few people know that I’ve struggled with anxiety for quite some time now, and I was told not to tell anyone unnecessarily because it might create more problems for me. Even fewer people know the extent to which I had fallen, I struggled with anxiety a lot over the past 3 years, especially losing control over the past 10 months. I got into a lot of fights and arguments with a lot of people due to my short-tempered nature and irritable personality and eventually, I fell into a pit of self-loathing. I started doubting my worth every morning, there were days when I randomly messaged a bunch of people and asked them to rate how much I irritated them, and sometimes asked if I meant something to them. Each and every action that I took started to give me doubts and I became more and more paranoid about the repercussions I would have to face. It was around this time that I was ostracized by my “closest friends” and mentally pressured into self-isolation, eventually discouraging me from writing, which led me to leave my “happy place” and the people that actually made me feel good about myself- the Magazine. It was around this time that I was facing some issues in my family which had led me to become distant from the two people I valued the most- my father and my sister. It’s funny how I used to think that my life sucked and that it couldn’t get any worse than it already had. Then I lost someone very special to me forever, and that worsened my anxiety a lot. I had basically no outlets to vent out and I had pretty much been keeping all of these thoughts to myself the entire time. That’s when it got to the darkest point- I had grown accustomed to panic attacks, and though they were very scary, I more or less knew that it was only a matter of time before it stopped, but then all of a sudden it didn’t stop within the usual time… they started getting worse, and that is when the thought of ending it all came into my mind. I used to think up scenarios where I wasn't a part of the picture anymore and how they would pan out, and I ultimately reached the point where I was content not being there. I tried to run away from home, but I never had the guts… I tried to eat a lot of pills, but I didn’t have the willpower… I tried to severe my nerves, but I couldn’t push the knife far enough… Then one day I was chatting with my friend at night playing a game, and within a blink of an eye, I was standing on the ledge of my roof, my eyes were closed and I had let go, at the last moment I regained control over my body, and somehow got off of there and went back down and had a very extreme panic attack, wherein I tried to hurt myself severely, and when my parents and my sister weren't able to calm me down, they had to call my cousin and my uncles to get me back to reality… this went on till about 4-5 in the morning… On another occasion, I was having a conversation with my mother and my body went numb and for about 1–1.5 hours I couldn’t even move my fingers… I was so scared and I thought that I had gone into a coma… little by little I had started to become scared of my own self. I began to think that my mind and my body were two different individuals, who were constantly bickering over who was in control. The worst part of this whole experience is that throughout the last part I was consulting a neuropsychiatric and a therapist… and though I was trying very hard to believe that they were helping me, and I had my father’s assurance that the psychiatrist was the best doctor in his opinion, I had very little faith in either of those things… though I was the one who had approached my father saying I wanted to treat my anxiety and though I had constant support from my family and friends I just didn't see myself getting better. So I revolted, I stopped taking the vast number of pills the psychiatrist had put me on; to put into context I was taking roughly 10 medicines a day to remain stable, which was also only effective 40% of the time, and just so I could avoid that doctor I even stopped going to therapy. Instead, I started exercising at the gym, singing whenever I started to feel anxious, and well… I started writing again, this was one of the main reasons I started this blog so that I had someplace that I could vent off to, someplace that was truly mine, and someplace that didn’t pressure me to do anything.

Sometimes it’s the actions of those you love and those who love you that compel you to make stupid decisions, like I started having more anxiety when everyone around me suddenly changed. I became everyone’s priority and everywhere I went I had a number of people telling me what to do and what not to do, though it was out of their love and concern for me, it had the complete opposite effect. I became more and more inclined towards lying about things that still bothered me, just so I could make things go back to the way they were. I’m not going to lie, it was painful watching as the same mouths that asked me how I was started calling me useless all of a sudden when my body didn’t respond the way it did when I was on my meds, or when I heard someone talking behind my back about the stuff I had done. But it was still better than having to depend on 5 pills just to get out of bed and do something productive. All I wanted was not to be treated specially but that backfired and actually triggered my anxiety even more, but I didn’t show it to anyone, I cried alone at night while everyone else was asleep, I lied to my friends and told them that I was okay, I lied to everyone and I kept on lying to myself in the hope that maybe if I repeated it enough, I would start believing it. I only had one promise, that I wouldn’t move backward, but I couldn't even keep that, I’m a failure in every sense. But the one thing I have overcome is my suicidal tendencies, and that is a fairly remarkable achievement in itself, for I don't have to rely on anyone else to make sure that I wasn’t going to something stupid that I might regret later on.

Watching this movie I found myself bawling my eyes out at every scene where I could relate to the story in one form or the other… and it was kind of difficult because I generally don’t cry watching movies, but recently I’ve felt this change while watching certain movies like All the Bright Places, Koe No Katachi, The Perks Of Being A Wallflower among others. But I’m not afraid to embrace these emotions as these allow me to let go of all the pent up emotional baggage that I was carrying with myself, and allowed me to shed this weight from my chest as well as give me the courage to speak up on these hard topics… because it certainly isn't easy to write such pieces… I’ve already taken four breaks in between just so I can clear out the constant stream of tears running out of my eyes.

I would like to conclude by saying that everyone should at least give this movie one shot, maybe it will help you get rid of the emotions that weigh you down, or maybe it will help you explore a side of you that you never knew existed. Anyways, this one has been another one of the life-changing movies for me, so I thought that I should share it with people, along with giving everyone a massive look into my life, because though I’ve been advised against sharing all of these things. I’m not ashamed of myself and if I can help someone else come out and connect with me or anyone else… if my example saves someone else’s life, or if it makes someone aware of a dormant vulnerability in themselves, then I’m content with my mistakes and I’m willing to help people get the same help I got and help them avoid the mistakes I made.