JACTIVISTS REPLACE ASARAH B’TEVES WITH NITTEL NACHT VIGIL FOR POGROMIST FOREBEARS, DECLARE SELVES VICTORS OF OPPRESSION OLYMPICS
By: Koshercano
Tags: Satire, Activism, Judaism, Parody, Politics

While Jews round the world prepare for Asarah B’Teves tonight, Jactivists have a different celebration in mind: commemorating the births of their Jactivist movements with vigils for all of the pogromists who preceded them. While Jews anticipate a night of mourning and day of reflection and fasting, Jactivists prepare lavish feasts amid Nittel Nacht tree decor. Instead of Asarah B’Teves Selichos, they’ve planned festive candle lighting and a Shema recitation for those who besieged Israel and those who continue to besiege the Jewish people.

Progressive Jactivists United sent us an invitation to this Nittel Nacht activity. It was advertised as a Nittel Nachtukah-inclusive-Christmas celebration centering Jactivists and optional Jews; the only Jewish activity on the schedule was the Shema for the oppressors, and it was stated ample warning would be given for those who would like to leave the room.

Asked for comment, Jactivist Christi Shortz said, “AsAJactivist, Jewish history isn’t about Judaism. It’s about showing up, being there, regardless of which side of the barbed wire, and commemorating that, AsAJactivist. Excuse me, I have to practice the Shema AsAJactivist. Barooch atach…”

Also on the itinerary was the Treifestival Dinner: the menu painfully balanced with each dish having half kosher and half treif ingredients in the name of inclusive Jactivism.

Jactivist Benjy Gyammer commented, “As Jactivists, we give voice to the voiceless, and it’s time for Jews to take time to listen on your holidays to the voiceless — those who have oppressed you and those who will continue to oppress you. I’m part of a movement that will someday become an entry in Had Gadya and that’s something to be proud of, not a memory to oppress with your stories of survival.”

Ariolla Guilt, extremely vocal Jactivist, contacted Kosher Kay…No to say, “As Jactivists, it’s crucial to recognize the bottom of the barrel oppressed: the warmongers who lose and don’t get to write history. I’m shocked and disappointed Jews have refused to welcome oppressors. That in itself is oppression of Jactivists, and speaking on behalf of all Jactivists and Jews, you really can’t get any lower than surviving hatred and refusing to embrace that same hatred.”

Women Cosplaying in Yarmulkes called and left a message. Unfortunately, we can’t relay it because it was just the Predator noise from the popular sci-fi horror series. Security has been notified.

Jactivist Peter Peetrick told us not to judge, and to be wary of privileging Jews in Jewish spaces and Jewish observances point blank: “As Jactivists, it’s important for us to start with dismantling Jewish safety. Safety equals comfort, and as long as Jews have that, it’s an injustice to their oppressors, like all of us Jactivists who as a rule, no longer practice Judaism and are mostly non-Jewish or post-Jewish. As Jactivists, we need you to know Judaism is no longer necessary; it divides Jews from their oppressors, and that in and of itself is oppression we Jactivists cannot tolerate. We need to get you up and running, your blood pumping. That’s the true spirit of tolerance of inclusivity: tolerating and embracing oppression as religion. We’ve won.”