Hey 2020, thank you. Seriously.
By: Heidi Philip
Tags: Thank You, Newbegingings, 2021, New Year, 2020

Dear 2020, there is a real hate on for you right now. It’s in the holiday cards, the Christmas ads, and every other conversation. Good riddance 2020! Here’s to a new (and improved) year!

And 2020, you did suck. In a lot of ways. But in a lot of ways you didn’t. A lot of people got sick and… it was amazing to see other people go above and beyond to care for them. Then there’s them masks!!! We couldn’t see each other’s smiles and… we also made eye contact more than ever. Us introverts, we realized that we need other people, and the extroverts among us have a greater sense of self.

Personally, I was suddenly unemployed. But then again, I had a summer off to hang with my teenage sons. I had to start budgeting like crazy and thus, I was able to see I don’t need very much money to live well. I am no happier or more fulfilled working or not, financially secure or not. What I thought drove happiness doesn’t appear to be a factor. In fact, the things that most fulfill me have nothing to do with money. They have everything to do with connecting with nature. Connecting with myself. Connecting with others.

Speaking of connecting with myself, it’s crazy what I hear when I start to listen. Like how exhausted I am (and I know I’m not the only one). Not exhausted from too short a night’s sleep but a lifetime of doing. I spent the first 50 years of my life rushing through it. Doing. Doing. Doing. High productivity was my thing. Along with overachievement. And high functioning, even when I wasn’t. And for what? Why? COVID wouldn’t take that into consideration now, would it?.

This year, I’ve learned that scheduling every hour of my day is overrated. Just because I have an hour free doesn’t mean I can fit something else in. In fact, I’ve got a new personal goal of planning only one thing a day. And another personal goal of leaving the dishes until the morning when I’m tired, and playing Candy Crush instead (and admitting it here!). And guess what? The sky hasn’t fallen in yet as a result.

Speaking of planning, I’m doing less of that in general. I’m simply showing up more. I’m realizing I don’t need to invest all this time and energy in preparing what I’m going to say. It’s exhausting and it makes the conversation worse, not better. By definition, conversation is between two or more people. Hence it will never go as I script it. I can’t plan what the other person is going to say. I can’t even plan what I’m going to say, if I plan on listening.

Which brings me to the concept of control. We are in control of nothing and yet we have full control. COVID happened and happened to everybody, and yet opinions on COVID vary greatly. Some have never felt more lonely, while others have never felt more connected. Some feel government is not doing enough, when others feel the government action is a violation of human rights. Some live in a constant state of extreme fear, and others give COVID the finger and dare it. Maybe, it’s not what happens it’s how we react. And maybe there is no one right reaction. COVID has been a great reminder that I simply cannot please everyone. But what I can do is get through it, without guilt or shame. Why feel ashamed that COVID scares me in the company of those that are fearless, when that would only mean feeling guilty amongst the hypervigilant for doing less than them? And visa versa, of course. Who knows what drove those whom I feel are COVID reckless, to not value their health and life as much as I do. Who knows what past trauma is triggered in those I see as doing themselves a disservice by being terrified to the core. I can’t control COVID. Nor people’s reaction to it. Except for mine. My reaction and my COVID experience are fully within my control, irrespective of what COVID does.

2020, you forced me to hit pause. Which was really hard. Really hard as I had a lot of time to think and feel. Also really hard as I hate being forced to do anything. I’ve spent much of my life feeling forced to do things and there you were 2020 backing me into a corner. But it wasn’t you choking me 2020. I was choking myself. Yup, I’m going to go there…God (the universe, or whatever), grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to control the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!

Finally 2020, thank you for reminding us humans how creative we are to the core. We had to figure out how to keep things going, keep doing things but in a whole new way. The resilience and adaptability of the human spirit is awe-inspiring. There will be a way made out of no way. Always.

So 2020 you took full control and you didn’t. You forced me to hit pause on so much and I sincerely thank you for much of it. What will 2021 be like? When will we get back to normal? Will we get back to normal? Hopefully yes. Hopefully no.

Sunday and Night