Alternatives To “F-You” Money
By: Dustin Mark
Tags: Money, Humor, Financial Independence, Finance, Satire

“And keep the change” (Igor Miske, Unsplash)

“Fuck you” money: The amount of money you need in life to say “fuck you” to any person who asks you to do something, without facing repercussions.

“I’m sorry” money

The amount of money where you shouldn’t burn bridges lest you lose the financial support they provide.

“Would you like fries with that?” money

The amount of money it takes to need an extra job working at a fast food restaurant, and not one of the cool ones where they only serve tacos or wear roller skates.

“I would like fries with that” money

The amount of money where the difference between the combo and just the sandwich is negligible. Sometimes you don’t even want the drink, just the fries. You’re technically losing money by ordering a side of fries instead of the combo, but what’s it to you? You can afford to waste exactly that amount of money!

“Can I smell your hands?” money

The amount of money where you can increase your soap budget and start spending frivolously on the fancy ones. You’ll try to justify the price to yourself by asking to smell other people’s hands and convincing yourself yours smell better, which doubles as an opportunity to brag about the obscure hand soap you imported from Europe, which mostly smells like soap.

“Happy Chanukkah, grandson” money

Your severance package and social security checks don’t have you living large, but they allow you to meet your main needs: probiotics, weekly trips to the hair salon, and $50 checks to all of your grandkids each holiday season.

“Happy President’s Day, grandson” money

It’s been some time since you retired and your mind isn’t as sharp as it used to be. You forget which holidays you’re supposed to give gifts on and which you should ignore. To be safe you write checks for all of them, and your bank account is hurting for it.

“So…y’all swing?” money

You’re horny for multitudes but don’t make enough money to cover the dues for the elite swingers clubs. Instead, you just have to ask couples you see in the grocery store.

“Corporate power couple” money

Your double-income-no-kid relationship has heightened your exposure to vice. You hear sordid tales of sin from the lotharios who frequent the sauna of your upscale, overpriced gym, and you envy these sweaty men’s shamelessness. One of your coworkers, Denise, has been making eyes at you — she once even asked if there was much space in the backseat of your new Audi. Turns out there’s not, but you squeezed in together anyway.

“I’m sleeping with Denise,” money

You have enough money to make you much more attractive to one of your junior associates, but not so much that you can sustain the necessary expenses (secret condo, secret phone, odor-repellent strong enough to erase Denise’s strong-ass perfume) to keep it a secret, and must dramatically come clean to your wife.

“My decision to live on a boat was forced but I am happy with it” money

Your wife left you and took half, but you’re still doing alright — alright enough, in fact, to buy a nice little house-boat, which you have docked in a bay alongside fellow middle-aged, unfaithful businessmen. Denise thinks you’ve changed for the worse and doesn’t want to see you now that rumors are spreading, but you have enough money for what you need: whiskey, cigars, and the occasional discrete house-boat-call from a lady of the night.

“I found your cat” money

Not so little money that you hold the cat you found on the street hostage and demand a ransom, not so much that you’d turn down an offered reward. Mostly you’re just lonely on your house-boat and looking for companionship.

“If you ever want to see your cat again…” money

You used to have “I found your cat” money, but quitting your job to become a full-time cat-rescuer proved to be a foolish decision. You may not be a practiced cat-napper, but you have no intention of actually hurting the cat, and you’ve wasted so much money on cat magazine subscriptions over the years that to not use them for a ransom note would be doubly foolish.

“Denise and your ex-wife are friends now and are going to ruin your life” money

Oh shit, they found out about your cat racket. They know too much. Take whatever money you have left in your wallet, spend it on a nice pair of sneakers, and run as fast and as far as you can.