“No Ho Ho Homo,” Says Michael Bublé as He Covers “Santa Baby”
By: Danny Jackson H.
Tags: Christmas, Humor, Music, LGBTQ, Satire

Basically, Michael Bublé tried to make a song that was unequivocally about wanting to fuck Santa Claus platonic. The entire premise of the original song is sexual. Trying to make “Santa Baby” about two straight bros would be like insisting that Rudolph’s nose is red because of a crippling cocaine addiction. It just isn’t done.

First of all, Bublé keeps the original title of the song and the first two words, which are “Santa baby.” But, as we will soon learn, there is no point in keeping these undeniably flirtatious lyrics in the song when the rest of it is spent trying to distance himself as far away from a gay interpretation as possible.

Throughout the song, Bublé addresses Santa in various ways. While Eartha Kitt, and virtually every other female performer of the song, continues to refer to Santa as “baby,” Bublé mixes it up by calling him, “buddy” and “dude,” as well as “pally,” and “poppy.” You know, those nicknames that guys in the twenty-first century famously give each other?

He also swaps out some of the girlier gifts for more masculine-sounding ones, like a sable fur coat for a Rolex watch. This particular decision makes sense, seeing as Michael Bublé is actually a spokesperson for Rolex. But some of the other switches he made were strange, to say the least.

For instance, he changes a light blue ’54 convertible to a steel blue one from ’65. Now, a ’54 model was chosen in the original song because it was released in ’53, implying that the speaker wants only the newest model. Perhaps Bublé changed it because he would rather have something vintage, which I can understand. Nothing wrong with making a slight alteration like that to show your personal preference.

However, changing “light blue” to “steel blue” is not a switch I would have anticipated. Apparently, “light blue” was too feminine for Bublé’s taste, despite the fact that we’ve been using that exact color to celebrate the birth of baby boys for decades.

But that’s far from the only ridiculous lyric change. In the original “Santa Baby,” the speaker asks Santa for “a duplex,” which Michael Bublé swaps out for “Canucks tix.” The Canucks are a Vancouver hockey team. Just in case you forgot that he’s Canadian.

Instead of asking for Santa to trim his Christmas tree with decorations from the luxury jewelry store Tiffany’s, Bublé asks for decorations bought at Mercedes. I can only assume he means the car company Mercedes-Benz. Because it wasn’t enough to mention cars in an earlier verse. And everyone knows that men who like cars simply cannot be gay. It is written in the laws of the universe.

Also, like, do they even sell holiday decorations at Mercedes? If so, I have to imagine they’re cheaply made ornaments that you can pick up in their lobby for ten bucks at most. I just picture the owner of the dealership setting out some of the blotchy ornaments that his five-year-old painted at school, thinking that if he’s going to have to display his kid’s godawful art in order to prove he’s a good dad, he could at least make a quick buck out of it.

The point is, if you’re willing to fuck Santa in exchange for whatever gift you want, I would at least ask for the more expensive kind. Eartha Kitt had the right idea. She knew her worth.

But all of that pales in comparison to the astronomically heterosexual lyric change that Bublé made in the very last verse.

The original contains the lyrics, “forgot to mention one little thing, a ring/ I don’t mean on the phone.” Michael Bublé, in all of his straight-bro glory and wisdom, changes this to “forgot to mention one little thing, cha-ching/ no, I don’t mean as a loan.”

This line was written to imply that the speaker wanted Santa to propose to her. I struggle to find any other interpretation. But because that would sound too gay for Bublé, he decided to ask for Santa to be his sugar daddy instead. Because, you know, that’s the totally straight thing to do.

The original speaker had clearly already committed herself to the idea of marrying Santa. She asks him to “think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed,” implying she has saved herself for Santa, her one and only.

Once again, there is absolutely no way to make this line platonic, but Bublé storms on anyway and gives it his best shot by changing the word “fellas” to “hotties.”

“Ladies” also has two syllables, but apparently respecting women makes you gay.

There’s also the unmistakable fact that the word “hotties” is gender-neutral. Is Bublé leading Santa on, dangling the idea of maybe possibly one day being more than “pallies” someday in front of him? If so, then that’s just cruel. There’s no need to lead Santa on like that, Michael. He’s a good man.