Vulnerability
By: Chrissie Keynes
Tags: Fear, Type 1 Diabetes, Health, Vulnerability, Gratitude

Health is one of those things that can shake the ground right out from underneath us. I think most people I know have had a moment at least, of fear, if not for their own health, for the health of someone they love. So how do we deal with this?

Even though I would say I was a victim to my body, it gifted me a toughness and perhaps a slight arrogance that I’ve got this, got this whole life thing sorted. We can get quite comfortable within our own parameters of what works for us. We learn how to work around our aches and pains until something scary happens.

I’ve often wondered why I tend to live life in an intense way, I like intense experiences and have a curiosity that can be somewhat insatiable at times. I’ve been on an insulin pump now for 4 years and 4 months, before that I used a “pen” a small needle injected up to 6 times a day. Two Monday’s ago my pump wasn’t clipped onto my shorts properly and my pump slid off my lap onto to the floor, it cracked and all of a sudden I found myself without a pump. The battery wouldn’t go back in properly and the damn thing alarmed like a lock down was occurring. It was in this moment I shed a tear and my tough “I’ve got this” attitude slipped away for a moment or two. F#*k was my first reaction, I’m not on private health and they cost $10,000 for a new one. It was the first time in a long time I was reminded of my vulnerability and my reliance on a small battery powered device to keep me healthy. I must admit I stressed out as I had to rush back home to find some old pens and the two kinds of insulin I needed to replace the pump. I didn’t eat but the stress response in my body already had my levels rising. I proceeded to experience disappointment in myself for not being more ‘careful’, more prepared for eventual failure. Turns out I had no pens that worked anymore, I’d thrown them out, also turns out I had no script for the insulin I needed and my specialist was away for the next week. Not much help to my growing feeling of being at the mercy of bureaucracy. Eventually I managed to find old school syringes and two year expired insulin, i injected this and hoped for the best. I had to buy myself enough time to get the girls off to school so I could sort the issue properly.

I spent a week on the old style of injecting, every mouthful of food accounted for. My sugar levels still swinging around despite my best efforts. One afternoon I went from 15 back down to 2 and had the funnest hypo I’ve had in years. Sitting there at my dining table, by myself, half laughing, half stuffing my face like I’d never eaten before. My whole body sweating from the low, mouth tingling, it was such an intense experience. Strangely fun, to feel things that intensely made me realise how full on it must have been for me growing up. Living life on the edge of intensity all of the time. Feeling vulnerable, yet not understanding why. Seeking out intense experiences because in reality that was the norm. I feel like all these experiences have given me such an appreciation for being alive. If I’m going to be here I want it to be real, I want to feel close to death to remind me that life is worth living. When we lose touch with our mortality we do become arrogant and it’s easy to forget that we are so blessed to be here. Even in our struggles we have this gift of life.

Live the life you love xx

P.S Luckily my pump still had a few months left on warranty and I restarted the pump again, my levels are back to balanced again!