4 Lessons I’ve Learned From Being In A Secure Relationship
By: Patrícia S. Williams
Tags: Psychology, Relationships, Advice, Self, Love

1.) Dependency Is Not A Bad Word

Although I recognize that the main reason why I viewed relationships the way I did was because I was still in pain from past experiences, I also think our society spreads some very toxic notions regarding intimate relationships.

We live in a culture that makes fun of basic needs like closeness, intimacy, connection, and especially dependency. We scoff at the idea of depending on someone else while idolizing those who are free, jumping from one love affair to another, and keeping their independence intact.

And we accept these ideas as truth.

I normalized my behavior because almost everyone around me (friends, acquaintances, classmates from college) was doing the exact same thing. No one wanted an intimate, serious relationship. We prided ourselves on our ability to never get attached. And those who were different were clearly missing out.

But that’s bullshit. Now I can see they were all just as fucked up as I was, and that we were all just avoiding our own fears.

It’s okay to get attached. It’s okay to fall in love. It’s okay to have emotional needs — in fact, we all should acknowledge ours. Respecting our feelings and emotions only makes us stronger, not weaker.

2.) It’s Possible To Depend On Someone Else While Still Keeping Your Independence

To me, there were only two options: either you were in a relationship and you were trapped, or you were single and you were free. There was no in-between. Sure, there were exceptions, but these were the rules.

The reason why I couldn’t stand the idea of losing my independence was because the few times I felt like I had lost it, it was never worth it. I was either cheated on or used for emotional comfort — so, I created the belief that I’d be better off on my own.

I didn’t believe I was worthy of love because I had never felt truly loved, respected, and cared for before.

Now I can see that once you face your suffering and let go of your limiting beliefs, that’s when you’re really free, and that’s when you’re able to find healthy, meaningful relationships.

And it’s actually possible to depend on someone else in a healthy way, without losing yourself in the other person.

In fact, it turns out that our ability to step into the world on our own stems from the knowledge that we have a secure base, meaning, someone who’s there to support us no matter what.

Yes, you read that right: dependence is what leads to independence. It’s called The Dependency Paradox and it’s a widely studied psychological theory that has been proven many times.

This is exactly how I feel about my partner. I don’t feel stuck, trapped, or dependent — in fact, I’ve never had more energy to do my own thing and chase my dreams (like making a full-time income writing online) because I know that, if things ever go wrong, I can always count on him.

He’s my secure base, and that’s beautiful.

3.) Being Vulnerable Is Difficult As Hell — But It’s So, So Worth It

I used to be terrified of showing my true colors. I had always kept certain parts of me to myself, and I had no intention of ever changing that.

The reason why we’re all so afraid of being vulnerable is because it’s risky. Yes, it can lead to heartbreak. It can put you in a position where you might be rejected, and it can certainly feel uncomfortable.

But the truth is, there’s no real connection without vulnerability, and there’s no vulnerability without taking risks. Yes, you can play safe, but that means you’re depriving yourself of loving, meaningful relationships with people who truly love you for who you are and are not afraid to see your shadow.

Closeness creates further closeness, and intimacy creates further intimacy.

At the beginning of my relationship with my partner, it was very difficult for me to open up and share my feelings. I was afraid he’d stop loving me and leave.

But I eventually took some risks, and every time I did, our relationship improved on so many levels. We felt more connected than ever before, and I could see how grateful he was for my honesty and openness.

Now I’m no longer afraid to show my true colors and be vulnerable — in fact, I love how vulnerable we are with each other.

4.) As Cheesy As It Sounds, It’s Really Important For You To Love Yourself First

The only reason why I was able to change my attachment style to secure, was because my desire for love and authenticity was getting bigger than my fear of vulnerability and abandonment.

I realized I was the only one standing in my own way. And if I really wanted to be free — truly free — I had to face the most unpleasant, uncomfortable, painful parts of myself that I had been avoiding for years.

I also realized that even though the reasons behind my fears were valid, I would always feel miserable if I kept clinging onto them. I had to change. And that’s exactly what I did.

When my partner and I started dating, I was completely aware of my strengths, weaknesses, fears, insecurities, hopes, dreams — everything. I knew myself, I knew what I had to improve and I knew what I had to let go of. I was no longer afraid to recognize my true self — and that’s self-love at its best.

In a conscious relationship, there’s a commitment to growth and awareness. Both people know that, in order for the relationship to be healthy, they need to show up every day not only to their partner but to themselves.

When we make self-love a priority, our cup is overflowing, and we’re able to be and give our best, which is crucial to make a relationship flourish.