Being Strong .
Tags: Strength, First Post, Being Yourself, Truth, 2020

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to the realisation that God has placed and places me in positions to show my strength. Through my trials, he shows me that I am capable and able to overcome. Unfortunately, this means I have had to go through some shit in my short 18 years of living.

Now, by no means am I trying to gain pity from you who is reading this, trust me I don’t want it. Nor am I saying that I, Lucia Aide, am the only person in this sometimes difficult world that has had to go through hardships in life. What I’m aiming to do is show you that you can make it through whatever difficulty you are currently facing. It is possible!

I also just have a lot to get off my heart, and writing helps, so here we go :)

Growing up, and even till this day, I can proudly say that I am surrounded by STRONG Queens. Queens that have raised and moulded me into the person I am today. Due to this, I have always thought that I have no reason to not be strong. When people like my mum, aunts and cousins are literally the EPITOME of STRENGTH. Women who have overcome and have stood firm in every test they have faced .

So, when a year like 2019 comes, and I begin to feel a sudden sadness about life and become demotivated; I loose sight of my dreams and desires; my vision becomes fuzzy and I see doubt and lack of self belief so clearly. I was shocked . How can me, a young woman who has built so much for herself already, who is talented, who has vision and the ability to conquer and win, feel such a way? How could I loose who I once was?

I believed that 2019 was the year where I would elevate every aspect of my life. My social enterprise “SimplestTalks” had its first event of the year and the theme was “elevation”. I thought this was the year to begin turning things around for the better, but what I envisioned didn’t happen. I started to loose motivation to do a lot. I wasn’t feeling inspired or ready to impact people anymore, simply because I didn’t think I could do it. For a person who has to post motivational and inspirational content, feeling demotivated and uninspired was unhelpful to the people viewing the content and most importantly to me. So, I decided to take a break…

Now this, this was hard for me! I’ve always thought that the only way for me to win and to do well, was to keep going. No matter how I felt, I had to keep going. But the season I was in was getting too much for me to just keep going. I genuinely believe that God was showing me the importance of self care. How could I not feel good, but still try to make others feel good?

So, I took a couple weeks off. I tried to spend time with myself, but I don’t think I knew how to do this well. I even remember talking to someone about this break I was taking whilst at an event, and they said to me “make sure on this break, it is not a break for you to do work, but is a break for you”. A superb message, I must say, but it is a message I did not really take in and didn’t want to understand.

After my break from delving too much into work, I did feel a little better. I felt ready to work hard. But then, my “Step Dad” got sick. I don’t even want to use that phrase. I never have, but yeah. It’s all complicated Lol.

When this happened, it wasn’t good, but we knew and he knew he was in safe hands and he would recover. We all believed this. But maybe 3 months in is when it really hit me. It was hard man. I’ve never watched someone so close have to feel what he felt over time like that. When I look back, I find it mad that I was juggling, A levels, end of year exams, SimplestTalks work and going to the hospital basically everyday. As he was getting sicker, I don’t really think I wanted to believe what was happening or any of the possibilities. And if you know me, the greatest over thinker of all time, me not thinking about endless possibilities was abnormal LOL.

On the 22nd of August me and my mum were called into the hospital, things were getting severely worse. From that point on I didn’t sleep for more than 24 hours. I’m so thankful I had the opportunity to say goodbye. It still doesn’t feel real though, I think I’m still in complete shock 4 months later.

From that point on, that’s when I feel I lost myself. I lost who Lucia really was. If you’re Ugandan, you know that when a death happens, so many people come to your house up until the funeral. So, from the 22nd/23rd August, till the middle of September, time began to go so fast. I lost the whole idea of taking care of myself. Why? Because I had to be strong. I had to stand strong for my loved ones. And that meant, to me anyways, that I had to cover up a lot of the pain I was feeling. Of course I crumbled at some points during this period. I remember being in the house one day and people came in crying. I just remember breaking down and falling to the floor. Not being able to get up and there being so many people surrounding me. At the funeral I sang “Oceans” by Hillsong, and I broke down in front of hundreds of people in Church. That was a scary moment for me, I cannot lie. I was so vulnerable and had no control. It was uncomfortable for me, but now I understand how important that moment was for me.

Someone said to me during this season of my life: “that staying strong shit is played out, stay true to yourself and take your time”. When you’re going through it, you have got to allow yourself to feel, you have got to allow yourself to navigate through your emotions. Rushing the process, especially a process like grief, a process that I’m still going through, will eventually be detrimental to your well being. Take your time, and have faith you will overcome. It is HARD. BUT WHAT IN THIS LIFE IS EASY?

Now I can confidently say I am strong because I have permitted myself to feel the emotions I didn’t want to feel. If I want to cry. I can cry. If I feel sad. It is okay to feel sad. I don’t think I knew how much strength there was in this. Something else I have learnt about being strong is that it is okay to talk to someone and open up and even vent. It is good for you, even if it doesn’t always feel nice.

When I tell you this year I have talked to people. family, old friends, new friends, teachers, a councillor. I have opened up and I am proud of it, because I find it hard to be vulnerable and talk about my feelings. But this year, I’ve realised that there are people that genuinely care about my well being and sometimes its good to talk. Don’t go talking to everybody and anybody, talk to people you trust.

I feel like I’ve just rambled in this post. I have a lot to get off my chest and this ain’t the half of it. Just some of the difficult stand out moments of 2019. All in all, I am forever thankful to be alive and to be living. Life is the greatest gift, and a gift that we take for granted. That’s definitely something I have learnt this year!

If you got to this point, Love!

— LUCIA A