How to Encourage Your Partner in Bed
By: The Sex, Secrets Column
Tags: Relationships, LGBTQ, Self, Love, Sexuality

1. “I love listening to you. You sound so sexy.”

I’m a pretty vocal person in bed, which sometimes makes me feel self-conscious. I’ve expressed my nervousness about this a couple of times, but I don’t always mention it. Hearing my partner say that she loves the sounds I make and that I sound sexy affirms me, especially when I don’t have to ask. Not only do I feel more emotionally relaxed and sexually pleased because of it, but I also feel good about the fact she’s enjoying her time too. Plus, women are more aroused by auditory stimuli than men, and my girlfriend shared she’s one of those women, which encourages me.

2. “I don’t mind if you take longer to come. I take extra time sometimes too, and I love touching you.”

Every now and then I feel slightly embarrassed about how long I take to orgasm. When I’m honest with myself, I know I’m just not as experienced with sapphic sex and am still learning my body, which I think are the reasons. Her ability to make me feel good is never an issue, and I’m sure others have taken longer than I have. I also know she loves having sex with me about as much as I love having sex with her.

However, I still struggle with worrying she’s getting tired of touching me or eating me out, and I worry I won’t come for whatever reason. When I apologize for taking so long or express confusion as to why, she always reminds me she doesn’t mind. She says she loves playing with my body and making me feel good; she reminds me I’m not alone in taking a little extra time. In addition to her support, I’m comforted when I remind myself that I don’t mind when she takes longer because that just means I get to play with her body more.

Her comment helps me feel more at ease. I’m able to enjoy how she’s making me feel without distractions getting in the way of my orgasm. I’m thankful she’s so kind and giving in bed.

3. “I want you to feel so good, baby.”

When my girlfriend says she wants me to feel good, I’m reminded of how much she cares about me and my pleasure. Since previous partners haven’t always seemed to feel the same, I’m especially grateful for this sentiment. I can also tell that just like me, she feels good when she makes me feel good, so I’m happy for us both and the experience we can share.

I’ve noticed a couple of times she’s said this, it’s been those times when I take a little longer to orgasm. I can’t help but hear these words as a way to rush me, but I know logically she’s saying this to emphasize how much she cares and doesn’t mind putting in extra effort. Further, when I ask her for clarification, she always assures me of this.

4. “You’re supposed to have a specific taste down there, and I love it.”

If you’ve read my articles before, you likely know that as much as I love eating my girlfriend out, I feel insecure about how I taste. I know vulvas are supposed to have a distinct taste, but I still worry my partner is judging me or doesn’t like it. Previous partners have made harmful comments, and according to a study, vaginal odor is a woman’s deepest sexual insecurity. I’m sure these reasons play a role, and I’m thankful I’m not alone in my worries.

More than once I’ve mentioned this to my partner, who always reminds me she knows I’m supposed to taste a certain way, and that she enjoys tasting me. She sometimes jokes she wouldn’t be a lesbian if she didn’t like it, and I know she’s had sex with multiple other women who I’m sure taste similarly.

Her affirmations and joke make me feel better and are what I need to hear, even though I know my concerns aren’t logical. I’m grateful she’s willing to respond in this helpful way as many times as I need.

5. “You’re so sexy and beautiful. I love you so much.”

Simply put, this comment is nice to hear. Hearing a reminder that she loves my body and me (even when I don’t) never hurts. Words of affirmation is one of my primary love languages, and how could statements like this not make you feel good? Since previous partners haven’t always expressed compliments and love as often or as seriously, she’s a pleasant change.

And on a deeper level, one study showed that 79 percent of women reported their biggest sexual insecurity to be body image, which can affect how enjoyable sex is. “Body image worries reduce our sexual arousal by stopping us from focusing on erotic thoughts and sensations, which has an impact on the whole sexual encounter by reducing sensation, pleasure, and desire,” said Dr. Karen Gurney, a clinical psychologist, psychosexologist, and Havelock Clinic director.

So, hearing statements like my girlfriend’s help a good bit with that in and out of the bedroom and on more than one level.

6. “I didn’t watch you come because I now know you don’t want me to, but I do love watching you.”

I also worry about my facial expressions when I’m having an orgasm; I don’t want to have a weird look on my face or feel like I need to “perform” in that way. My partner knows I’m more comfortable when she’s not watching, so I appreciate her respecting that since I told her. At the same time, though, it’s nice to hear she likes my facial expressions during sex and has enjoyed watching me come previously.

According to Dr. Holly Richmond, somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist, “partners love to see their partner experiencing pleasure. We see women’s orgasm faces all the time in mainstream porn, so obviously, lots of people are into seeing that.”

Plus, this statement of my girlfriend’s reminds me she finds me attractive regardless of my worries or expressions. This is something she’s told me several times, and it’s something I like to remind myself.