Feminist fight club for guys:
By: Bettina Palazzo
Tags: Gender Bias, Leadership, Bystander, Sexual Harassment, Discrimination

Why good leaders need to step up against sexual harassment

Photo by Thao Le Hoang on Unsplash

Ever since #metoo we know that sexual harassment is not just that one single case that happened to a female friend of yours.

You even might have thought: Oh, that was just bad luck to come across a mean guy at the wrong moment and that maybe it was also a bit the woman’s fault, because she gave the wrong signals (e.g. short skirt, flirtatious look).

In fact, sexual harassment and discrimination of women in the workplace are pervasive and systemic.

And no, it is not about awkward flirting, an inappropriate but innocent joke or a thoughtless remark or touch.

Sexual harassment is a highly effective power play tool that works extremely well if you want to keep women small.

Sexual harassment and discrimination are costly

But sexual harassment does not only harm women’s careers and well-being. It also harms organizations that keep losing female talent, motivation and innovative power. The negative impact of sexual harassment is not even limited to the victim. Research showed that it creates a toxic hostile environment for the entire team where it is happening — for women and for men.

Preventing sexual harassment and discrimination are a leadership responsibility

Therefore, if you want to be a good and successful leader, it is important to take care of the first signs of disrespect that might pop up in your team. You need to do it early, because sexual harassment and discrimination can be contagious, and it always starts small: A colleague makes a sexist joke in a meeting, everybody laughs, and nobody reacts. The next time another man keeps interrupting a female colleague and makes inappropriate comments about her looks.

Add a series of more and more serious incidents that you will not witness or hear about and before you know it, your female coworkers are frequently sick, less productive, in burn-out or leave the company.

I know stepping up against sexual harassment sounds like an awkward and somewhat scary task. I know it is not easy because sexual harassment is complicated and potentially explosive, but it is your job as a leader to help people grow and be their best at work. Working with full concentration, motivation and creativity is not possible if you have to constantly fight off micro aggressions or have to be afraid to be reduced to your sexuality at work. It is the ethical duty of a good leaders to protect their team members from this kind of degrading behavior. If you do not do it, you will lose your team’s trust. If you do not hold the harassers accountable, you will lose their respect and your credibility as a leader.

Stop making it a women’s issue

What happens mostly at the moment is framing the problem as a women’s issue. We already see that in the language: Most statements about sexual harassment are in the passive voice “Women is being harassed by her boss” and not “Boss harasses female coworker”. Even the prevention of sexual harassment often focuses on the women: what can women do if they get harassed, how can organizations make it easier for women to report on sexual harassment. As we already know from many years of not so successful women support programs, this “fixing the women” approach just does not work.

My suggestion here is: let us turn this focus around!

Make sexual harassment a male leadership issue! Because that is what it is:

· How can male leaders be sensitized to incidents of sexual harassment or discrimination?

· How can male leaders better understand when a joke is no longer funny but hurtful?

· What can male leaders do and say if they are bystanders of bad male behavior without being judged as wimps and traitors?

Here are some simple guidelines for the modern, feminist male leader:

· Read “women” books and watch “women” movies:

For women it is normal to identify themselves with male protagonists of books and movies — simply because there are more books and movies with male protagonists. Men are less used to taking the other gender’s perspective. Therefore, reading books and watching movies with female protagonists is a great exercise in getting to know the female experience of the world better. A great book to start with is “Circe” by Madeline Miller. It is re-writing Greek mythology from the female perspective and suddenly everything is so much different. Gripping and extremely well written.

Cool feminist movies to watch are North Country, Bombshell or Suffragette. All of them brilliantly entertaining movies with world-class acting that will broaden your horizon.

· Listen up:

When a woman talks in a meeting, make a conscious effort to listen better, do not interrupt, do not explain to her stuff she already knows. You already do that? Ok. Great! Really, really, really? Are you sure? Ask a trusted female colleague. Make a list of who talks how often and how long in your meetings. Be honest and check yourself. There is always room for improvement. Try to do it even better. Establish a do-no-interrupt meeting policy.

· Make compliments that are appropriate:

Compliments can be tricky. Of course, it is still appreciated to compliment a woman, but the line between what is ok and what is not ok, is thin. Would you like a comment about your hairdo or outfit, when you are about to present your new project? Not really, right? There is a simple test for compliments: Could you make this compliment also to your mother? Then it is ok. You see, it is quite easy. Or simply concentrate on making compliments on the good work a woman does.

· Think twice about jokes and personal remarks:

Also jokes and personal remarks are a slippery ground. Again, respect for others is the basic guideline. You can also ask yourself, if you would dare to make this remark or joke to a big strong man like Rambo, the Rock or Jason Mamoa. No, because that comment might get you a good slap in the face? Then don’t do it. Too easy!

· Flip it to test it:

Before you make a judgement or a decision about a woman, check if you would say or decide the same thing about a man without feeling weird. Typically, women get punished when they are ambitious, aggressive or angry because role expectations want them to be kind, generous, and patient. If a man is negotiating hard for a better job offer, nobody has a problem with that, whereas women tend to be seen as overly ambitious and unlikeable.

Twitter manwhohasitall

· Do not be a silent bystander:

One reason why sexual harassment and discrimination in the workplace is alive and kicking is that is often goes unpunished. The harassers do not get any resistance. Everybody freezes and waits for somebody else to step in. We know this effect from research in social psychology, it is called the “Bystander effect”. The bystander effect happens if a group of people observe a situation that is unclear, like a fighting couple, a man in dirty cloths lying on the street, an accident. Due to the diffusion of responsibility in the group and the uncertainty of the situation everybody is waiting for somebody else to act and nobody wants to be the first to intervene in a murky situation that might become explosive. Since sexual harassment has a lot of gray areas (“Was he only joking?”, “Was he only making an awkward compliment?”), bystanders do not know if and how they should intervene. But this collective apathy helps to normalize sexual harassment, because the harasser does not get the message that his behavior is not ok. Consequently, one of the most promising ways to stop sexual harassment in the long run is bystander intervention.

· Become an active bystander:

Proven strategies for successful bystander intervention are

o diffusing the situation with humor or clear signals of disapproval. For example: If a male colleague makes a sexist joke, play dump and ask him to explain why this is funny. That way it will no longer be funny but embarrassing for the joker.

o distracting from the situation by e.g. involving the target in a parallel conversation and thereby freezing out the attacker.

o explaining to the attacker in a calm moment after the incident why his behavior was offensive. Here the leadership communication challenge is to bring it across without making the recipient defensive: “Imagine somebody would talk like this to your sister/wife/daughter…”,

o helping the target after the incident e.g. with emotional support, solidarity or help in making a report.

All of these strategies are not rocket science. They are easy to understand and apply, but they require the willingness to change your perspective, listen better, be curious, stay open, and not become defensive. And most of all they require constant practice.

The good news is that if you practice these strategies you will also acquire the leadership skills that you will need anyway if you want to be an empowering, inspiring and successful leader: You protect your team, your create a climate of respect and mutual appreciation, where team members feel safe, speak up on problems and contribute their fresh ideas.

And now go, my male feminist warriors, and fight for a humane and gender-equitable workplace where men and women can thrive together.