Hey!
By: Nae Yaer
Tags: Mark Twain, Wayne Dyer, Greif, Forgiveness, Mark Twain Quotes

I have been trying to deal with my grief issues for quiet a while now, trying being the keyword. I have faced death three times in my life closely, at least. The first time I was too young to understand. The second time I was too sensitive to deal with it. I was a teen, too old to ignore it as just another thing in my life and too young to handle it like a pro. It led to a cascade of things, memories I still struggle to just accept. I am too driven by my heart than my head, for a long time I defended myself for being an emotional person, for some time since my cousin’s death I tried to shun that part of me and only let my logic rule. Well, it didn’t land me the daughter of the year trophy so I think it wasn’t of much use either. I tried bringing a balance between my logic and my emotions. Guess what? I love extremes. Balance isn’t it for me.

Now I am trying to accept who I am while still finding who I want to be.

I have a past and it isn’t the garden of Eden, but it wasn’t the worst, It was my worst. Recently I lost my most favorite person on earth, my grand dad. And everyday I think of all the moments I could have spent with him. Everyday I think of all the moments that make me hate my dead brother at the same time I think of all the moments when he was the golden child of the family. Again he wasn’t a monster but he sure does star in a lot of my nightmares.

I blame and blame; him, my parents, my self and even my granddad for leaving me. I may be a little delusional here, I never let my self think of the day he would leave. He was a part of my forever, for as long as it shall be. With his loss I have lost my forever. Everyday that I think of him, the memories don’t bring happiness but pain for what I’ll never have again. I’ll never have him holding my hand giving a reassuring squeeze every now and then. Wordlessly, Telling me he’ll always be there to pick me up when I fall, just like when I was a scar less little girl, his grand daughter. I am good with advices, so I know exactly what I should do, forgive and accept. But when has a preacher ever really practiced. So I wallow.

Reading about your son, I felt the same tug, I felt the day my granddad breathed his last in my arms. I feel that pain again when I realized that the brother I have been grieving for 4 years was not all good, yet I still grieve for him. And I want to forgive him for doing wrong and me for still feeling his loss. Reading this post wasn’t a ray of hope I’ve been looking for. Or some Eureka! moment on my fictional path to self-actualization. I don’t think there is a miracle moment when life suddenly starts to make sense. I still don’t have hope. But somewhere in my heart, while reading about how you remember your son for the love you shared, the life he lived; I know someday I’ll do the same. Someday I’ll forgive my self for not holding onto my granddad’s hand tighter, forgive a man who did me wrong yet did right by every person I love. Someday I’ll forgive the girl I see in the mirror everyday. One day I’ll do right by myself and remember the loved one’s I’ve lost to life and death with a smile.

And while doing it all I’ll remember you and Mason. I’ll know that I wasn’t the only one who had felt guilty for not loving them enough. I’ll also remember that despite everything my granddad is looking from above and smiling at me.

Thanks for letting me rant.

PS. usually I apologize for rambling. So, I guess this is improvement on my part

-Nae