So the year is about to end. Let me see, what did I say I was going to do/be by the end of 2020:
By: Mai Monta
Tags: 2020, Life Lessons, Cheating, New Year Resolution, 2021

So the year is about to end. Let me see, what did I say I was going to do/be by the end of 2020:

start a new business

* End my toxic marriage forever

* Focus on my kids

* Lose weight and build a nice body

* Have a healthy lifestyle

* Read a book a week

* Create a social media presence

* Find myself

I didn’t do ANY of these. None of them. Last year this time I was so miserable. I was in so much pain I couldn’t breath. Why? Because I was cheated on, my heart was broken, I was lied to, I was left all by myself to figure everything out. So I swore this would never ever happen again. All this happened because I let it. I allowed it. I took the easy way out. I saw the signs and ignored them. I was too scared to face reality so reality broke me. So last year this time I swore I would fight till I get out of this. I swore that by the end of 2020 I would NOT be in the same place. I swore I would be standing up, on my own, and happy with myself.

What happened was the exact opposite. After breaking my heart and living his life, he came back. As of nothing happened. He said because of the Covid situation, he can not afford to pay 2 rents. And I let him in. He just walked back in. And I went back into that scared, unsafe, depressed zone. I gave myself so many excuses. Rent. Our daughter. Covid. His residency. Even taking out the garbage and going shopping alone. Just to make sense to myself. But with it, I lost what was left of my self respect. I told myself I will let him stay at home and not worry about responsibilities and rent so I can build my business. So I can focus on creating an active social media presences. I told myself I will accept it as a temporary situation because of Covid and use this opportunity to build something. I told myself I will not let myself get pulled into the fake marriage again.

None of that happened. I went back into the marriage slowly. He pulled me back in one step at a time. I went into depression. The exact same depression of an alcoholic who knows they are ruining their life but they can’t stop drinking. He used this peaceful safe time at home to build his business and I just sat there, too caught up in self pitty and self disrespect that I couldn’t get up.

It’s the end of 2020. I have not started my new business. I’m still in the exact same toxic marriage and still feeling anxious, depressed and angry every single day. Not a day passes by that I don’t feel sorry for myself. Yet I can’t end it. Is it true because I don’t have money to pay the rent because he pays it? Or is it because I’m too exhausted? He beat the willingness to do anything out of me with his ongoing cheating for years. I have been catching him cheating, both in serious relationships and one-offs since summer 2013.

I also did nothing for my kids. My son is lost with no life and no plan and on his own and now my daughter wants to leave because she sees me too weak and I don’t have enough self respect. I also gained so much weight through this depressed period. I look fat and old. That’s how I feel anyway, especially because of the extra kilos I gained. I started reading one book in the summer and still only quarter the way through it.

My lifestyle is so toxic that I don’t eat, or sleep or exercise properly. All the things I promised myself I didn’t do them, on the contrary I went backwards.

I got so many chances to build a good social media presence and wasted all of them. I did nothing to use these opportunities and today I’m in the exact same place I was in December 2019.

At least throughout the year I felt I started finding about myself, who I am, what I want, how I want it, what can I give back, what are my dreams. That was until he came back in summer 2020. Then everything fell apart. I lost the path, I lost my way. I lost myself that I was looking for, in return for comfort. The comfortable feeling that he didn’t leave me for another woman, it was just a glitch.

Now what? I’m sitting on my bed today December 28, in the year 2020. Too scared to think. So scared to look back at the details to see what did I do wrong so I can fix it. I just want to stay in bed and close my eyes and accept one fact. That I’m a failure. That I was not strong enough to survive so it destroyed me. I try to block the memories of this year because every memory gives me the feeling of life being drained from my body. How could I? How could I let my kids down like this? I promised them a better life and I failed. How could I let myself down like this? I swore I will only accept what I deserve and I accepted the most humiliating solutions. How could I settle like this? I thought I was strong? I thought I was a survivor. I thought I could pull through anything, like the tens of times I pulled through before I met him. Now I’m nothing. An empty shell that I keep colouring and gluing together so it doesn’t look so ugly.

Now what? Stay in bed? And just accept it? Don’t tell me get up. I wouldn’t even know where to go even if I summoned all the energy to get up. So don’t tell me to get up. Get up to go where? The year is over. One whole year that destroyed my last chance to pull my head from under the water. It’s over. I broke and there is no fixing.

This new year, I have no new year resolutions. Just stay in bed.