I Hate Birthdays
By: Daisy Lim
Tags: Self Love, Beyourself, Life, Resolutions, Birthday

I used to like birthdays.

As a kid, birthdays were the most important day on my calendar. It’s the day I got to blow out candles, eat cake, and open presents. And being the youngest in the family, I was pampered spoilt, naturally.

As a teen, I chose the best of my best friends to hang out with. I would treat them to a meal with my hard-earned allowance just because I was happy to be around them. Life was simple back then.

But somewhere along the way, I did not react the same way to birthdays anymore. The feeling has changed from “Yay! It’s my birthday again!” to “Sigh… it’s my birthday again.”

And unlike holiday fatigue where I can be indifferent and stay on the sidelines, I am the star of my birthday and it is next to impossible to escape from it.

Where did it all go wrong?

I think it started around the time I understood “the real world” — the one where things don’t always go my way, the one that comes with disappointments and failures, the one called life.

It was also around the time I forgot how old I was. It’s funny that when I was in my twenties, I could recite my age instantaneously. But once I reached my thirties, I literally have to calculate it by subtracting my birth year from the current year.

In other words, I got old.

Yet another unfruitful year

Birthdays are now an annual reminder of my unmet goals and unfulfilled dreams. It’s amazing how I can have the same dream for the last ten years, yet, I am nowhere closer to achieving it today.

As the years ticked by, I seemed to have gone round in circles with no clear direction as to where I was headed.

And in a scenario worse than New Year’s resolutions unmet, I am one year older. Well done.

What’s more, in a wish to start the next birth year anew, I would engage in spring cleaning activities — both literally and mentally.

In addition to a backbreaking decluttering session, I would attempt to reinvent myself overnight. This involves giving myself a demanding list of tasks to be done before my birthday arrives so that I can start being “the new me” at the stroke of midnight.

It’s like New Year’s Day and Chinese New Year rolled into one. Bottom line: it’s chaos.

Celebrating it my own way

Quiet birthdays are my preference these days. I would spend my day alone, go to my favorite places, and eat my favorite foods. I would gift myself with things that I normally find too expensive to buy.

I would also use my birthday as a time of reflection to take stock of my life. Should I persist or should I give up? Unfortunately, I still don’t have an answer after all these years. It’s hard to persist, but it’s hard to give up as well.

I only receive a handful of birthday wishes each year and I am happy to keep it that way. Since I quit social media a few years ago, my old friends have forgotten my birthday without Facebook’s friendly reminder.

I also consciously keep my birth date from new acquaintances and only tell a select few. This means that the birthday wishes I get each year are from friends who truly matter to me (and who bother to remember my birthday), and I am grateful to have them in my life.

Still, I can’t stop well-meaning celebrations. My family takes the chance to gather for a meal and a cake-cutting ceremony. While that’s all well and good, it’s tiring to put on a happy front when my real emotions are more in tune with sad songs.

As my birthday approaches this year, the stress has already begun — the celebration planning, the spring cleaning, the resolution setting. My list has been drawn and I have a pile of tasks to be done.

I can’t wait for it to be over so that I can get on with my life.

Like what you’re reading? You’ll love Buibui — Have you tried reading from there lately? Click here to learn more