Dear Adult Sibling living in our parent’s house,
By: Nikki Haverstock
Tags: Satire, Family, Humor, Open Letter, Siblings

I was so sorry to hear that you mermaid training business went under and you had to move into our parent’s home. Who would have thought that a customized, bedazzled fin wasn’t a great investment? It is totally understandable that you have Mom and Dad cover your credit card bills after such a tough set back.

It’s been great having you back in town. We saved a lot of money on dog food since you lost Spot at the park while looking for hotties. We had been trying to have “the talk” with our kids for a while but when you did that twenty minute monologue about your sex life at the Sunday night family dinner, they actually came to us with questions. You started a new business in Mom and Dad’s garage which was a great way to help. I’m really sorry that it turned out to be a pyramid scheme, how could you have known? I wasn’t super happy when you borrowed my car and rear-ended the hearse during a funeral procession but you convinced them not to sue and that really saved the day. Don’t worry about the parents of the 3rd grade Elementary school class being angry at you. They are just being prudes. It wasn’t your fault that your beautiful custom fin split in half and you gave the full monty to all the kids on a field trip. That could happen to anyone.

When Mom told me that she promised you a job at the family paint company, I was a bit hesitant until you pointed out that was only fair since I work there as well as President. You’re so smart and probably could start as Co-President as you suggested but I think it would cause too many waves with existing employees.

I remember in college you said you excelled at a variety of things unfortunately none of them were a perfect match for your skillset. Kinesiology was too sweaty, art was too messy, English had too much reading, math has too many rules and education involved all those annoying children. Colleges are just so unfair, even archery required you to show up and not shoot anyone which really seems like too much when you have to balance the rest of your work load. You were right to quit college to start on real life. That’s what Steve Jobs did. It was a shame that your subsequent bosses couldn’t appreciate your initiative and talent and fired you out of jealousy.

I thought managing the inventory warehouse would be a great job for you and I’m so sorry that you didn’t like it. I had no idea it was such a crappy and demeaning job until you burst into my office in tears to tell me how unfair I was. I wish you could have waited until after I finished my meeting with our biggest client but sometimes these things can’t wait.

And don’t feel bad about catching the warehouse on fire and burning it to the ground. I really appreciate the suggestion to make the “No Smoking Signs” much bigger once the warehouse is rebuilt. I’m sure we can get the inventory replaced in a mere six or seven months. And you’re right, Matthew’s eyebrows will grow back in no time.

Can we meet this week so we can figure out a way to get you back on your feet during this difficult time of living rent free at our parents while all your bills are paid?

Love,

Your oldest sibling

Originally posted at http://nikkihaverstock.com/2016/11/27/dear-adult-sibling-living-in-our-parents-house/