Why I stalk my ex-husband’s wife
By: Danika Bloom
Tags: Self, Family, Parenting, Relationships, This Happened To Me

It started out as curiosity about the mysterious woman who’d stolen my ex-husband’s heart and soul.

When James, my then-husband, described the woman he’d fallen in love with he said that she was a lot like me — we both had degrees in Communication and had majored in documentary-filmmaking. Like me, she was an event organizer, socially progressive, was bilingual, and had big, brown eyes. Also, like me, he called her his soul mate.

Another strange similarity was our birthdays. She was born one day after me — only fourteen years earlier. I was thirty-nine and she was twenty-five — ironically, the age I’d been when James and I had started dating.

Since she lived in Europe, there was no chance of accidentally bumping into her at the grocery store, so I turned to Google to learn what I could. It wasn’t much. She didn’t have any social media accounts or a website back in 2005.

Then she moved to Canada and became part of my pre-teen son’s life. I looked forward to meeting this woman who sounded so interesting and smart. But that was never to happen. James made sure she and I never met and never spoke on the phone.

When I picked Liam up from his dad’s house, I was ordered to wait in the car. For years, I never even laid eyes on James’s new wife. I imagine she was told to wait in the back room when I called to say I’d arrived.

For the first few years of my husband’s new marriage, the only things I knew about my son’s new part-time mom were snippets of family time that he shared with me. It wasn’t much and Liam always prefaced any small story with, “Don’t tell Dad I told you, but…”.

In writing this I realize that my first thought, were I reading this story, would be some small judgement about a mother who could leave her child in the care of a person she knew nothing about. And such an angry, secretive father.

But the man who was my ex-husband was not the same man who was my son’s father. He was patient and loving with Liam. His issue was with me. And, yes, I did have some concerns about this woman who was now parenting my child. My fears, though, were more along the lines of whether or not she was up to the task of co-parenting an angry and hurt twelve-year-old. I watched for changes in Liam’s moods and demeanor each time I picked him up from his dad’s. Nothing ever gave me cause for concern.

In time, I stopped obsessing about learning about this woman.

Six years after our divorce, James was dropping Liam off at my house and I happened to look out the kitchen window as they pulled up to the curb. I noticed a female passenger and walked out of my house to finally introduce myself to my son’s stepmom.

James jumped out of his car and physically held me on my lawn, away from his car. He ordered me to go back inside. I made eye contact with his wife and she looked away. She was never again with him.

By then Liam was 17 and my concern about her parenting was long dead. So too, was my curiosity about the woman who had been so much like me and somehow so much better.

But one day last year Liam innocently pointed out three new commonalities between myself and his stepmom: we’d both written and published a book, had launched online businesses and were doing webinars.

I have several email addresses, most of which have my name in them. But one does not. It was my very first Gmail account, based on my first business’s name. It’s also Liam’s middle name, which is uncommon and has a unique spelling. I signed up for my ex-husband’s wife’s webinar using that email address knowing that if she knew her stepson’s middle name, she’d know it was me and could remove me if she wanted to. And, if she didn’t know Liam’s middle name after twelve years… well, then she ‘deserved’ to be stalked.

I watched her webinar and loved her energy and authenticity. In the background, I could hear my ex-husband cough and the joyful sounds of their two toddlers playing.

She emails her list a couple of times a month and shares stories and tips from her area of expertise: in the last few years, she’s become a clinical psychotherapist who writes about love and relationships and communications. She helps her clients see the true nature of the people in their lives, behind the trauma and armour we all carry.

She’s a woman I admire and respect and someone I would love to get to know. I think I could even benefit from her counselling.

I can easily see myself becoming friends with her — which is likely why my ex-husband has remained so keen to keep us from meeting each other.

But I believe that to even say ‘Hello’ to her would put her in an awkward situation: would she tell James or keep it a secret? I hate secrets in marriages and do not want to be part of creating a situation that might result in one.

So, I read what she shares on her blog, learn what I can, and feel deep gratitude that the woman my son’s father chose to help him raise our child to adulthood has a heart that’s filled with so much love and compassion.

*Sometimes I write things just to make myself laugh. This was such a case. :)