Corporate Daddy Bracket Challenge: Round 2 Roundup
Tags: Financial Planning, Future, Satire, Humor, Business Humor

Cuz the struggle is real

This article is the third entry in a series where we try to get proactive and choose what company we pledge fealty to after the inevitable fallout of our current form of government (kickoff here, round 1 here). Apparently, there’s even a word for this system of rule: Shitty. Also Corporatocracy, but shitty is faster to spell and is a better summary of how we feel about it. Anyway, we’ve been whittling down the contenders in a bracket-style elimination. Eight “daddys” remain.

As we delve deeper into our scrutiny of how good a daddy each of these corporations will be to us and our fellow peers conscripted into fun-datory “labor seminars”, a lot of what we look at is how these companies treat their current employees, customers, and the world. We’ve trimmed the fat, and so now we’re going to have to make the tough decisions on who can really provide for us.

Now that we’ve got you in the mood — we can remind you of the “why” for the article series and the “how” for how we evaluate who wins and who loses in the battle to be our corporate daddy.

Round 2

Round 2 Matchup 1: (1) Walmart vs (8) McKesson

Winner: Walmart

Summary: Despite how much we loathe the idea of being grouped in with the people of Walmart (it’s only been 5 years since Walmart stopped selling products bearing the Confederate Flag), McKesson just really doesn’t do it for us. 1) We had to look up who McKesson was. 2) The whole getting sued multiple times for fueling the opioid crisis just doesn’t sit well with us. Now. That’s not to say Walmart hasn’t done it’s fair share of community ruining tomfuckery — just ask any small general store that operated in the late 90’s and early 2000’s when Walmart started spreading like Covid at a Republican event.

Round 2 Matchup 2: (4) Apple vs (12) Ford

Winner: Apple

Summary: This was a tough one. If you’ve read the series up until this point, you know how absolutely jazzed we were to pledge ourselves to Ford if it meant we got a Ford Bronco, but we struggle seeing the Ford existence being better than Apple’s holistically. Apple’s whole M.O. is to provide a seamless user experience — with a focus on ease of use. Whether it’s working in the mines to harvest rare earth elements for computing components or using Swift 40 to design a micro-transaction store disguised as a gacha game called something like “Super King of Kings Battle Clicker Idle” — the thought that our daddy would continue to focus on the user experience is comforting. Ford just couldn’t scratch that itch. Like, what the fuck are all these buttons for Ford? Some cars even have an ANALOG CLOCK in them. Is that supposed to be some high-class move? What’s next, a dashboard with a cuckoo clock in it? ‘Fuck outta here.

But seriously, what’s holding up the dash cuckoo?

Round 2 Matchup 3: (2) Amazon vs (7) UnitedHealth Group

Winner: Fucking Amazon…

Summary: Seeing Amazon win this made us just as sad as seeing Ford lose to Apple — watching our dreams of driving a bitchin’ Ford Bronco dissolve in an instant. Both Amazon winning and Ford losing comes down to the same argument: Who has the most daddy-ness? Amazon is like the Hawks from The Mighty Ducks. Jeff Bezos is coach Jack Reilly, and he runs a tight ship. Whatever it takes to win in the cutthroat high-stakes Minnesota pee-wee hockey league— coach Jack will do it. But, here’s the thing — the Hawks are fucking winners. You don’t become an INSTITUTION of the Twin Cities Youth Hockey League by just letting your players hot dog around on the ice.

Author’s Aside: While doing “research” and watching Mighty Ducks, it occurred to us that Gordon Bombay was on the Hawks, and Jack Reilly was the coach. Now, if we’re to believe Gordon’s flashbacks — he misses that shot in 1973. There’s no sort of indicator that we’re to believe that the Ducks is some sort of period piece, so it’s probably safe to assume that it’s 1992 (when the movie came out). In that time Gordan has managed to acquire a law degree and a touch of alcoholism, but that’s an aside to the aside. The real story here is how Coach Reilly has been coaching the Hawks for AT LEAST 20 YEARS. The man has been continuously coaching a pee-wee hockey team of future NHL stars for TWO FUCKING DECADES. Get this man a drink.

Anyway. Bezos is Coach Reilly (without our admiration for his dedication to the great game of hockey) and Amazon is the Hawks. Do we wanna see some rag tag group of mischievous upstarts led by a recovering alcoholic lawyer cause the fall of Amazon? You fucking bet we do. However, that doesn’t look likely to happen anytime soon. Sorry, UHG, you had no chance.

Round 2 Matchup 4: (14) Costco vs (11) Alphabet

Winner: Costco

Summary: Google doesn’t sell roller hotdogs, 30 gallon drums of white-label liquor, or 48 packs of Kirkland beer. The end.

Review

Here’s the updated pic of the bracket:

We’ve had to make some brutal cuts, and the results of the next article will decide who will face head to head to be our corporate daddy — in the almost inevitable scenario where governments fail us and corporations sweep in to conscript us all into their service.

Thanks for sticking with us. Stay tuned for the titanic showdowns of Amazon vs Costco and Walmart vs Apple.

XOXO

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