The Whirlwind
By: Jesha Harlalka
Tags: Gender Identity, Gender, Identity, Sexuality, Gender Equality

How much thought have you put into who you are? You spend all this time trying to figure out people in your life, believing that you are not more than what society and people have told you, than what you already know. Have you put in time to think about what you like? How you would like to express yourself? Or have you simply swallowed the ideologies that a heteronormative, binary abiding society has choked down your throat.

If I had to describe what it is like to figure out who you are as a person during your ‘younger’ years, I would describe it as a whirlwind. ‘A whirlwind is a weather phenomenon in which a vortex of wind forms due to instabilities and turbulence created by heating and flow (current) gradients.’

Written from the perspective of a friend*-

Given my generation, we have access to so many more resources and so many new ideas. However, the problem with having that many new ideas is having that many more things to figure out. Every time I feel like I’ve discovered who I am, I am pulled back into a chasm of uncertainty. Being younger, I haven’t experienced as much, haven’t experienced enough to be certain of my sexuality, but that doesn’t reason with the fact that I want to know who I am and who are the people I like. People tell us that we have a lifetime to figure that out, but everyone wants to know who they are right now. At least everyone who decides to put more thought into it. Without being certain of who you are it’s difficult to be certain about other things as well, given that you are the most important person in your life. I’ve known that I’m not straight but quite some time but since then I feel like I’ve been figuring out a maze that has no ending. For a long time I thought I was bisexual*. However, since then I’ve come across so many terms, identifying with each one a little but leaving me in a bigger mess than what I started with. Whether it is pansexual*, omnisexual*, polysexual* or demisexual*. Sometimes it’s difficult to even differentiate between a few, even after scrolling through hours on the internet. With every new term I come across another part of me is left confused in the whirlwind of insecurities, identities and anxieties. I do find it difficult to accept myself not knowing what I identify as, after all when I’ve spent time thinking about my sexuality for so long, it has become a major part of who I am. However, self discovery is a long process, a long process that continues for a lifetime. I don’t have to put a label on who I am as of now or till the time I’m ready to. Whoever you are and whatever you identify as, accepting one’s self is difficult for the masses and I’m no different. For me accepting myself is difficult because of my sexuality and for you it could be something else.

In conclusion, all I can say is that put thought into who you are and what you like. Work on accepting yourself and know that you are not alone.

I Jesha Harlalka am an ally and a part of Genderverse’s core team that aims to promote information and awareness about various issues pertaining to the LGBTQIA+ community. Genderverse is an organization promoting the cause of gender-neutrality. For more info. visit https://genderverse.in.

*Bisexual — sexually attracted not exclusively to people of one particular gender

*Pansexual- not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.

*Omnisexual- Omnisexual refers to someone who is romantically, emotionally, or sexually attracted to persons of all genders and orientations

*Polysexual- attraction to many but not all genders