Becoming a Phone Repairer.
By: Slimmy Veek
Tags: Series, Humour, Becoming Nigerian

Phones, computers and other electronic gadgets. You've dreamt of the best experience with them. And you would have thought that after studying Computer Science in a tertiary institution in Nigeria, and before clocking 25, you'd be able to code and develop your own innovative app; something like Facebook or WhatsApp, and earn in hundreds of thousands of dollars, and be summoned for conferences and TEDx talks around the world to give motivational speeches about what it takes to be a success.

But unfortunately, Nigeria happens, and if you are lucky, you will be 45, and be somewhere around Computer Village Ikeja, at a corner, in a narrow space where your shop is situated; repairing phones, fixing faulty laptops and other electronic gadgets. But, despite the vicissitude, you are still going to attain that height of success, inshallah. You can still be a successful hardware geek, regardless. And I will show you how.

So, first of all, you must be diligent — whatever device your hand findeth to repair, do it with all your might. Drop all your theoretical school knowledge, it won't be applicable here. You have to be pragmatic instead. And if you didn't attend school, and only got promoted from apprenticeship to an “Oga” status — then that's perfect! You're in to become one of the most successful phone repairers.

Additionally, learn how to dismantle and couple various kinds of gadgets effortlessly. Be practical. Show your customers that you're a consummate professional. Oftentimes, before even dismantling and examining a mobile device handed to you, decipher its faults just from a brief glance, your customers would marvel at your expertise and wealth of knowledge. They would easily believe whatever solution you suggest and would trust your competence, even without you loosing a screw yet. And when a customer trusts you, you have gained him.

But, if you want to make massive money like one who just hit a jackpot, and be successful like you dreamt of, keep female customers. Especially the elderly ones. Have lots of them, and don't lose them. I mean those ones who have no idea how to even check their phones’ Android version, you can charge them outrageously go for repairs and they won't be suspicious of you, unlike the ones that can even recite the several generations of Android versions. These ones are destined to ruin your success even before it comes. But still, you can't throw them away like a faulty earpiece that plays instrumentals, you still manage them like that.

So, in such situations, brag to them about your years of experience, ask them if they know your age, tell them how many phones your hands have touched in this life. And anybody that still refutes your suggestions after the diagnosis you ran on their device, challenge them. Tell them you are not a small boy, that you have integrity and you cannot deign to dent that integrity. Show them the boys in your shop, your apprentices working for you, and the several others that are on the roadside luring in customers. You are an Oga and you cannot stoop so low to act in the way apprentices do.

Whenever a prospective customer comes in (usually they don't just walk in by chance, your boys must have inveigled them at the roadside and escorted them to the shop), let them find you in your small cubicle — busy, fiddling with a skeletal phone, with numerous small screws and other skeletal phones littered on your wooden table. Your work is to repair phones, let them always find you repairing phones, and on standby.

If you're given a phone to repair, after exaggerating that the phone has multiple, unrepairable faults; charge heavily to fix it. Even if the problem truly can be resolved by something as petty as restarting the phone, still charge heavily. Ignorance itself is expensive, isn't it? So anybody who calls you a thief, their own phone would damage beyond repair.

Spend hours doing repairs. Always take your time. Remember, be diligent. Infact, allow it encroach into the next day. You don't want to attenuate the magnitude of work you're doing for them with your own hands, and risk being questioned about your competence when they ask, “you sure say you don work am, and e dey work fine?” Some would even ridicule you and debase your hustle by slipping one rough Nnamdi Azikiwe instead of the ten Nnamdi Azikiwes that you charged, followed with a sly grin and a “you wan still collect money for just that button wey you press?” scoff. So you won't be that dumb to be the hindrance to your own success.

Therefore, being the diligent phone repairer that you are, tell them to return in two days time or three, depending on the severity of the fault. Let them not rush you and your work, you have other customers’ job too and you are equally accountable to them all. You know your job. You are an Oga, let them not forget that.

And if you perhaps promised that it would be ready in three days time, and when they return, tell them it is not ready yet. Tell them to come in another three days time. Disappoint them, they won't feel bad. Afterall, tailors do this too, and it's not your fault that the phone had more faults than you had initially diagnosed. And well, they are even lucky that they didn't take it to all those shoddy phone repairers that crowd the roadside, phone repairers that don't even have a shop like you. Unlike them, you won't end up doing a sloppy work. It just shows how diligent you are and how much you bear a customer's satisfaction at heart. But would these customers see it this way? Curse them under your breath and sigh scornfully when they leave.

Whenever they return again — perhaps in another three days or so — complain about a futuristic fault you noticed in their phone, that needs to be attended to. Of course, they won't oblige, they came to fix their screen, so why are telling them of a would-be faulty charging port? And as you hand them their “fixed” phone, make sure it is loosely tightened, ensure you have removed something important from the panel, or changed the battery. Steal screws, even. Nobody will notice. People don't inspect the screw holes on their phone that much, they just want to be convinced that their phone is perfectly working fine now. And besides, you know you'll need the screws for that other customer whom one of your apprentices carelessly swept away all her phone's screws the other day? So, steal screws. Do the same for many other customers, and soon you'd have a stack of stolen screws which you can use to fix the phones of those of your customers whom your careless apprentices have lost their screws.

Meanwhile, on a later day, this your customer will return with the same phone, and another problem. Remind them of the fault you complained to them about, but their insouciant attitude didn't let them succumb. Let them feel guilty. They'd learn to trust you and what you say next time. Agree to fix this other fault once more. Tighten the loose screws, solder electronic components with lead firmly to the phone's panel. And a good customer would find you something extra on your workmanship.

Go on to advise them to buy pouch, earpiece, charger, screen guard or whatever you feel they might need, as they testrun their fixed phone. Market your other hustles. Tell them asides phone repairs, you also do laptop and other electronic gadget repairs too, and you sell phone accessories. And even though you don't have any phone accessory in your shop currently, you can always cross to Okey’s shop to get for them. And of course, don't forget to add your gain; you must succeed in this life, don't you forget that!

Okey would be your plug for accessories, and spare parts for laptops. Inflate your prices for customers, and Okey would on the other hand, supply cheaper to you. If you have stingy customers that tell you your price is too costly. Don't worry, tell them to go and buy it for themselves, point to Okey’s shop, tell them to go and check there, and emphasise that you're even doing them a favour. Trust me, they'd want to trust you for your word, and the difficult ones would end up with people like Okey and wished they had taken your offer.

Also offer to buy people's phone and other stuff that would be beneficial to you and your hustle. Tell one that the only thing useful in her dead Samsung Galaxy Tab is the screen, tell her that the panel is condemned. And offer to pay ₦1,500 for the useful screen. Well yeah, you're doing her a favour, because if she chooses not to sell it, the phone won't still work anyway. So, after she has sold it to you and left, sell the same to someone else who wants to fix his Samsung Galaxy Tab’s screen, for ₦25,000. Well, Samsung screens are costly, doesn't he know? If he likes, he can go scan other shops to confirm.

And even as you continue diligently in your phone repair hustle, although you might not be able to build any innovative app anymore, you shall still succeed. Inshallah.