Gerascophobia: The Fear Of Getting Old
By: Edie Tuck
Tags: Life Lessons, Anxiety, Carpe Diem, Aging, Regret

Every breath we take, every moment that passes, we get a little bit older. A little bit wiser? Perhaps, but definitely not always. Time is one of those precious commodities none of us can ever get back, yet so many of us waste freely.

We all age. Some better than others. Some gracefully, some too quickly. Some of us coast through life, while others struggle. Some live life to the fullest, while some merely exist.

As my 40th birthday looms over me like an ominous storm cloud, I try to suppress the overwhelming anxiety that ultimately comes whenever I think about it. That number. 40. Why is it that a number has the power to give me heart palpitations and bring me to the verge of tears?

The smart girl in my head — the one who still feels like she’s 25 — knows it has to be more than simply turning a certain age. It has to be more than hitting that dreaded fourth-decade milestone.

It all came to the surface recently, with a murky mixture of surprise, sadness, and a little bit of muted relief.

While eating a piece of lemon sponge cake and having a light-hearted conversation with my mother, the subject of age somehow came up. I don’t recall the context now — only that once again I was dreading December.

Now I sit here reliving that conversation, and once again am forced to admit truths to myself that have been buried.

I say ‘buried’, but that’s not entirely true — I have thought, and even spoken the words before. But had not put the pieces together until now.

And here it is.

It’s not really a fear of getting older that I’m feeling. No. Not fear, but regret, wistfulness, sadness, and anger.

I always thought I’d be so much farther along in life by the time I hit 40. I thought I would own my forever home by now. I would have my dream career. Would have travelled to different corners of the world. Be financially well-off — not necessarily wealthy, but on the plus side of comfortable at least. You know, the normal stuff!

Instead, I’m still renting. I work a job for a boss at a company that isn’t mine — and although I have a pretty great boss, it’s his company, not mine. I live practically pay-check to pay-check — like the vast majority of North Americans, and I’ve never been on what I call a ‘real vacation’. You know, the kind where you have to get on a plane (silly requirement to be considered ‘real’, I know).

As I voiced this out loud in my mother in law’s kitchen while picking cake crumbs off my plate, the words echoed in my head, sounding almost disembodied. Whenever I had thought about it before, it had felt hollow and generic — now it makes my heart beat a little bit erratically.

Why should I feel fear and anxiety over a number, just because I have an 8–5 job or I’ve never been on a tropical vacation? It sounds so superficial and shallow, doesn’t it? I don’t like it, but I can’t help it.

Yes, I have a day job, but I’m working hard to chase my dreams so I’m eventually able to make my time my own.

No, I may not own my own home, but at least I still have a home, and that’s more than I can say for way too many people in this country.

I may have never been to the tropics (yet!), but I get to wake up every day in the most beautiful country on earth (in my humble opinion), and I get to call it home.

I have family and friends who love me, and I have been beyond blessed with the most incredible daughter.

In hindsight, I’ve come pretty damn far!

So why, I ask myself again, do I dread my next birthday?

I want to say bring on 40! Bring on another 40 beyond that, and possibly a few extra years past that as well. I just can’t quite put the enthusiasm behind those words that I’d like to.

I’m going to keep chasing those dreams, and striving to reach all of those yet to be achieved — yet completely attainable — goals.

A silly number that does nothing but tell me how many trips around the sun I’ve had — how many years of wonderful experiences and beautiful memories I’ve had — that number shouldn’t be allowed to cause me fear, or anxiety, or regret.

Live your life every day to its fullest — count every blessing, you’ll find there are more than you think! Don’t waste a minute of the precious time you’re given on this Earth, but wherever you’re at in your life now, know that it’s not too late. It’s never too late. Don’t let your age define your dreams!