You shouldn’t cheat on your partner and this is why
By: E.B. Johnson
Tags: Self, Nonfiction, Relationships, Psychology, Dating

by: E.B. Johnson

Our relationships form a cornerstone of our happiness, but when they become corrupted, the waters get muddied. Life is complex, and it’s hard to stay centered and focused on one another at all times. We drift and our affections and our attentions drift too. Things go wrong and we start to wonder if the grass wouldn’t be greener in some other pasture.

No matter what’s going on in your relationship, infidelity is never acceptable. When we commit to our partners, we promise to do the right thing when it comes to their emotions and our needs. That’s not to say that you’re doomed to spend forever with someone who is no longer right for you. But it does mean you have to do the hard work when difficult temptations or difficulties come along.

Commitment is important in all stages.

Many dream of building a life with someone, but they don’t always consider what setbacks or challenges can come with that. It’s not all picket fences and butterflies. Relationships are hard work, and that hard work doesn’t always pay off. Sometimes we run up against divides that push us away from one another. In those instances, we can become tempted to cheat. This is never the answer, though. Commitment remains important even when things are bad.

When you commit to be in a relationship with someone, you commit to do right by them — even when things are falling apart. You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to want out of your relationship, and you’re allowed to fall in love with someone else. Things change. People change.

What you don’t have the right to do is harm your partner or lie to them. Our lives are the sum of the decisions we make. Committing to someone is making a promise to them, and among those promises is telling the truth. If you’re tempted to cheat on your partner, it’s time to open up and figure out what you really want from them and your relationship in general. In order to do this, though, you’re going to have to dig deep and be brutally honest with yourself and your partner too.

Why you shouldn’t cheat on your partner.

Relationships go through ups and downs, and sometimes they fail. No matter how hard things get, however, we don’t have a right to cheat on our partners. When we commit to someone we make a promise to do the right thing. Cheating only creates bigger issues, more stress, and an array of complex emotions and patterns which can be hard to heal.

Creating bigger issues

We all experience hardships in our relationships, but infidelity never makes those challenges easier. Perhaps your relationship isn’t broken, you’re just experiencing a momentary lapse or pressure point that’s making it hard to connect. By engaging in infidelity, you create a bigger problem — one which you may not be able to come back from. Cheating is complex, and it involves deep-rooted emotions. If you want to come back from problems, you can’t run to another person…you have to run to your partner.

Inflicting unfair injury

No matter what angle you view it from, cheating is wrong, and it inflicts serious pain on the other side of your partnership. When your partner is a good person, then the act of cheating creates unfair injury which is unnecessary. The hurt of cheating runs so much deeper than simply ending something you were both invested in. It also teaches the other person toxic lessons, which follow them throughout their remaining relationships. Betrayal is nothing to take lightly and its wounds last a lifetime.

Corrupted reputation

Affairs are never an event that remains between two people. Rightly, our reputations become corrupted when word gets out about our inability to stay faithful to the people that we’ve committed to. Word will get around and some people closest to you will begin to see you in a different light. Little-by-little, this can impact the way they see you in their lives, and they way in which you’re able to interact with your community at large.

Degraded social circles

Do you think that your affair will only touch you and your partner? Don’t console yourself with this thought. Not only will you potentially lose your spouse or loved one through your decision to cheat, you will potentially lose friends and family in response to your actions. Never underestimate the loyalty that the people we love will feel to a wronged partner. And no matter what they decide to do, you will have to accept it as a result of your actions.

Emotional dysfunction

When we cheat, we don’t just hurt the other person in deep and irreparable ways. We also cause a lot of damage to ourselves emotionally and cultivate feelings of guilt and shame, which change our personalities and our relationships with others. On top of that, we create even greater stress for ourselves, which causes more mistakes in other parts of our lives, as well as physical erosion, which impacts our quality of life.

Cultivating toxic patterns

Cheating, more often than not, is a part of a toxic cycle of self-destruction which undermines our long-term happiness time-and-time again. Cheaters tend to cheat in every relationship they’re in, whether that infidelity is emotional or physical. It becomes a toxic pattern which pulls people in and then pushes them away before reaching true vulnerability. It’s also a way to constantly chase “greener pastures” rather than putting in the work it takes to last.

Handling your urge to cheat the right way.

Are you struggling with an urge to cheat? Has someone new come into your life, or have things changed drastically between you and your partner? You have to process these challenging emotions the right way, and that happens by figuring out underlying issues and opening up communication channels the right way.

1. Figure out the underlying issue

The urge to cheat isn’t necessarily something that happens overnight. Generally, it results from long-standing issues that have been ignored or otherwise swept under the rug. For example, you and your partner could be dealing with a long-term conflict that’s caused you both to shut down and shut one another out. Over time, this coldness compounds and presses you both to look outward for the comfort you can’t find within the relationship.

Instead of embracing your urge to cheat as the natural “next step” in a failing relationship, take a step back and question what the underlying issues really are. Where is this new desire coming from? What is in you that is seeking someone who isn’t your partner?

Avoid blaming it all on the other person. Relationships don’t (usually) fail because of a single person’s actions. We both make the decision to stop communication. We make the decision to put our partners last and everything else in our lives first. Don’t analyze your partner or act on your urges until you get clear on what you’re not getting. Then figure out how that’s feeding your need to cheat.

2. Think before you react

Temptation is a powerful thing. One moment you are happily engaged in your life, and then the next moment you’re presented with something you didn’t even realize you were lacking. For some, this temptation is gambling or engaging in other risky or addictive behaviors. To others, though, that temptation can come in the form of a person who offers something you perceive your partner not to have.

You have to think before you react to and act on this temptation. While your brain might be telling you that this is something you will never encounter again, that just isn’t true when you break it down. Is this person really offering you anything you couldn’t find at home with the right work and communication?

If they can — then why are you settled in a relationship that isn’t giving you what you need? As humans, we claim to be so much better than the animals we rule over, but we ourselves are animals who often struggle to control our base impulses. Rise above your animal nature and think things through. To cheat will only detonate the good in your life. You need to move forward (in any direction) with maturity and good faith.

3. Open up communication channels

Like it or not, communication is a fundamental part of facing up to and resolving your urge to cheat on your partner. You have to communicate with your inner self and get aligned with what you want, both emotionally and morally. You also have to communicate with your partner once your truths have been reached, and get their perspective if you want to repair things or move forward in a different way.

Spend some time with your inner self. Make it a regular habit and spend that time getting reacquainted with your needs and your future designs. We all deserve to be happy in relationships and lives which are aligned to our authentic selves.

Sometimes, our relationships change and no longer fit the person that we’re becoming. If that’s the case, you have to sit your partner down and be honest and candid with them. Find a safe space when you can both be secure and share what’s going on inside your head. Then, you can come together to find solutions and make mutual decisions on what comes next.

4. Get some perspective

Our intimate relationships are intense, and they take up a lot of our time and our focus. When we’ve spent a long time with the same person, it’s easy to get tunnel vision and lose sight of the bigger picture. You need to get some perspective if you’re dealing with ideas of infidelity. From time-to-time, this can help shift us back into line with our partner. Or, it can reveal some more critical realities for us to embrace.

Once you’ve opened up to your partner and taken some time to figure out what your ultimate relationship needs are, you need to take a step back and get some perspective. Extra-martial affairs and outside relationships are exciting. They give us that butterfly feeling and they get our blood racing again.

That’s tempting, especially if you’ve been settled down with the same person for a long time. You have to question your reality on it, though. Are you chasing something you genuinely need, or are you excited about the prospect of a new adventure in territory you’ve never visited before? The time you’ve put in with someone is important. The fantasy presented by an affair is also important to acknowledge. Brace yourself in reality and get some perspective.

5. Do right by your commitments

Like it or not, the commitment we make to our partners applies even to the challenging parts and ending of our relationships. To commit to someone isn’t just to say that you won’t cheat on them. It’s also making a promise to be truthful to them, even when your truth hurts them. That’s what it is to do right by someone. But you can only do this when you look to the future and the bigger victories (and losses) at stake.

Have you decided that you can’t resist your urges? Have you decided that you need something different, or something better? That’s fine. Do right by your commitments and tell your partner that it’s time to call it a day on your partnership. Communicate that you’ve changed and what you want from your relationships has changed too.

You don’t need to give them any gritty details, you just need to ensure that you aren’t betraying their trust. The pain that comes from infidelity is so much greater than the pain that comes from a relationship that’s come to a close. If either of you ever want to be civil to one another again — if you want a genuine chance of healing — then you have to do right by one another and cut the chord if that’s the only thing left to do.

Putting it all together…

No matter how strong your urge to cheat might be, it’s never the right answer for a crumbling relationship. You have the right to walk away from something which isn’t working, but you also have a responsibility to be honest and faithful to your partner. Are you sitting on the fence with a difficult decision to make? You need to handle your urge to cheat the right way.

Figure out the underlying issues behind your urge to cheat and then figure out whether they are worth repairing with your partner. Think before you react. Is this temptation worth losing all the time and effort you’ve put into your relationship? Is it worth losing your friends and your happiness? These are all things we have to consider. Sit down with your partner and open up. Be compassionately honest with them and let them know where you stand. Perhaps the two of you can work things out, you’ll never know until you talk and see where you both stand. Then, you can get a more realistic perspective on where you’re both at and make the decisions which are authentically aligned to your happiness and your commitment to one another.