Religion For Even the Unreligious
By: Kim Mckinney
Tags: Spirituality, Lifestyle, Life, Self, Religion

The Orphans Around Us

The world has changed. Orphans are more than kids whose parents are deceased living in orphanages with no other relatives to look after them. I worked in a children’s home after college, and I can’t recall one kid there without a living parent. Almost all were there due to parental drug issues, child abuse, and neglect. One was there because he asked to be due to his parent’s constant fighting. They were university professors.

Our foster system is both wonderful and horrible. It’s a lottery for kids. A few wind up in homes with dedicated parents who make it their goal to help the child grow up to thrive. They not only recognize the issues these kids bring with them but have given some thought as to how that background needs to be treated.

Other kids end up with people ill-equipped to handle their issues, but their willingness to do it for the fee paid gets them in the system.

Group homes by nature are also problematic. They house the older kids, typically, who are less able to be placed in foster homes. The older kids are placed there with other kids experiencing the same or worse issues.

Oh yes, there are amazing group homes, with really great therapeutic houseparents and care teams. Still, though, I feel most kids in this group home environment get short-changed.

Then we have the kids not in “the system.” So many kids today have parents in name only, and no one is fully available for them. They need adults to talk to them. Adults who care about the people they are becoming and don’t believe that children should be seen and not heard.

Children should be both seen and heard, and they should have adults around them who actively listen to what they say. Do you want them to form the framework for their decision-making from their peers?

And how about adult orphans? I’ve been thinking a lot about them lately.

One of my cousins, an only child, has lost both of his parents. I’m his cousin and don’t think I was compassionate enough as he was dealing with his mother’s death. His dad had died some years earlier.

Months after her death, he brought me a few prints from his mom’s house he wanted me to have. In the course of our discussion, I realized just how difficult it had been for him. He does not wear his emotions on his sleeve and does not accept help easily. I had offered different times, as had my sister.

In retrospect, I should have pushed harder. I should have made sure he knew he had family, besides his wife and kids, who would walk through that time with him. I was there, but not enough.

Then there are the friends who have lost their parents. When we lost my Dad, my siblings provided a lot of support. A lot of friends did, too. My Dad’s funeral was Christmas week, on a Wednesday afternoon. It amazed me that a contingent of my friends was there. It also surprised me how much it mattered. It reminded me that even when our people are adults, sometimes even the memory of our faces at a memorial service brings comfort.

Caring for the Widows

It was almost impossible for women to make it on their own when scripture was written. Times have changed, but we still have widows. We also have widowers. It’s not just the financial and physical needs but also the emotional and spiritual needs that need to be met.

My mom married my dad on her 19th birthday. My dad died one month short of their 60th wedding anniversary. I never thought that the hardest part of losing my dad, one of my favorite humans ever, would be caring for my mom.

Mom was in great physical shape but had never lived alone. She and my dad lived in a large home that required a lot of maintenance. Dad had taken care of most of that maintenance, up until that last hospital admission. He’d also handled things like the majority of the financial management and planning, such as getting the taxes done.

Mom was understandably depressed, but her depression was more significant than most. It’s been over three years, and she can rarely have a conversation without bringing my dad up.

She changed her eating habits. When Dad was alive, they ate well-balanced meals. Now she regularly has meals of chocolate in large quantities or doesn’t eat at all.

We sold her house and moved her into a beautiful condominium, which she said was all she wanted, down to the paint color. Now she wants to redecorate it completely, at age 82. After not understanding it, we finally realized these projects help her get out and live.

Going to church by herself is tremendously difficult for her. She and my dad were in different Sunday School classes, but she has quit going to hers. She said it is too hard knowing he is not in his class. Family events are also difficult, even though we pick her up to attend.

She had five children, and we all live within 30 minutes of her. She sees us often, yet often tells people she never sees us. She has begun developing dementia, which appears to be rapidly escalating. Is it the reason for much of her negative behavior, or is it the depression? We’re trying to figure this out.

Everyone doesn’t have five involved children, and even with all of that support, it is difficult. How do we care for the elderly in our community without involved family or with family at the end of their rope, and make the quality of their life as good as possible? It’s not just the job of the church, though there is a responsibility there. It’s not always the job of family members, merely because they were blood relatives. I have friends who had toxic family relationships. I understand when they don’t step up. But who will?

We shouldn’t just think of the women. Men also suffer when they lose their spouses. Who’s looking out for them?

Add to single people, single parents, and those who are going through marital problems. Are we noticing and looking after them when it is necessary? Needs just aren’t financial, but also physical, relational, and spiritual. Those lives who touch ours — what do they need? What other people do we need to notice who has faded away from the sight of the world?

My niece is an Occupational Therapist in a nursing home. She brought one of her residents without family to Christmas dinner last year and has taken her out for other events. The woman loves every minute. My niece has moved to a new city but still drops by to visit her when she is in town (lately through the glass doors and with her cell phone because of the coronavirus restrictions. They recently had a dance party.)

But how about the rest of those in nursing homes with no family, and how about those elderly or impaired who still live in their own homes and apartments? Who’s paying attention to them?

We’re living in a disconnected world. That often bothers me, even though as a strong introvert I’m OK with the isolation. So many people are lone wolves. Not necessarily because they want to be, but because they have never developed social skills or they don’t feel wanted. We’ve lost the need to be intricately involved in people’s lives. But we shouldn’t feel like we have to be completely self-sufficient. We should recognize when we need people and know when people need us. How do we reach out? How do we develop eyes that see needs?

Becoming Polluted By The World

We’re living in a world that can be cynical and hateful. Because of media and social media, we have millions of messages that flow through our brains. Sometimes we catch onto these ideas without thinking about them. We let them impact us, without a whole lot of thought as to whether we agree with them. It may be the words of someone we respect. It may be the thoughts of a group we follow. It may include the views of a pastor or a church or a politician or a TV commentator or a family member or our significant other.

How often do you stop, examine the thoughts in your brain, and see if they reflect your own beliefs? What have you accepted without thought? What has become a part of you, with your uninformed consent?

The world can pollute you, but it’s your job to do the internal house cleaning. Too often the loudest voices, the loudest accusers, those who demand you listen to them, are the people who most need to look into the mirror; but, also, sometimes we’ve become so passive we have let everything else in the world invade our brain except thoughts based on our own beliefs.

Living In A Faithless World

I’m someone who has never felt I “have” to go to church. My parents wisely said once we got to high school, it was our own decision. I still go because I want to, not because I have to.

Christians who are hyperventilating right now, I do believe I am supposed to have regular fellowship with other believers. That’s never been a problem for me. I’ve always connected with other Christians, and that is the true definition of church. The building isn’t that important.

I do go to a church building on Sundays (in non-isolation times) and have found a great group of people with whom I worship. But we make sure our church leaves the building regularly.

We seek to know the needs of our community. We work with other churches to help meet these needs. We have special relationships with churches of different races, our local homeless shelter, and ministries to the poor, and we worship on occasion with the local mosque and synagogue. Our church is small in terms of the number of people, but high in terms of commitment to service and social justice.

There’s plenty wrong with our world today. Still, I believe that there are too many coincidences for life to be by chance. I believe in God. I call myself a Christian. My primary relationship is with God, not with other Christians, or churches or others who claim faith.

If your religion ties you up and constrains you, perhaps you need to examine your religion. For those of you who are Christians, God intended you to be free. If you’re wondering how you should live, the answer appears to be with love. All those rules? If we could live them perfectly, why was Jesus sacrificed?

“Christ has set us free! This means we are really free. Now hold on to your freedom and don’t ever become slaves of the Law again.” — Galatians 5:1 (CEV)