How To Be Emotionally Non-Reactive
By: Eunice Gikonyo, Msc Psychology
Tags: Relationships, Emotional Intelligence, Illumination Curated, Mindfulness, Self-awareness

How To Be Emotionally Non-Reactive

Photo by Ken Cheung on Unsplash

My 11-year-old daughter recently made an interesting observation,

“You have changed. Before, you wanted people to shush. Now you want them to want to shush.”

I had successfully ignored a tantrum from her four-year-old brother — who had put up quite a show in an attempt to get himself out of a fix. I spoke in a monotone, then continued to munch on my mixed nuts without looking again in his direction. The screaming died down, and he got on with his work (coloring). Soon, we were back to speaking in normal human tone and volume.

Truth be told, my first instinct was to scream louder and demand he keep it down. But I had learned this the hard way — it does not work. Getting into a screaming match with a child or someone that is emotionally unhinged — albeit temporarily — is like adding gasoline to the fire. And also quite comical when you remove yourself from the scene and engage your inner observer’s eye.

The ability to not react when provoked is a superpower. It saves energy, lives, and preserves relationships.

We all know this, but when caught in the heat of the moment, that knowledge goes out the window. We shoot words like bullets— only to sit on the muck of our destruction moments later, wondering how we are ever going to rebuild what we just brought down.

But there is beauty in knowing we can learn anything — including how to stay calm amid a storm. The catch? It takes practice. We learn effective ways to handle our emotions long before a situation demands we do so. We start small, baby steps, with benign incidents — like breathing when we see a caterpillar instead of jumping ten feet away.

How do we do this?

Express what you need, then stop.

Whatever you need — be it a raise, a day off, space, hug — ask for it — clearly and respectfully. Be prepared to hear a yes, no, or wait. Figure out beforehand what action to take should you get the answer you least desire. Sulking, complaining, engaging in an argument, or stomping out in anger, are not allowed. Be honest with yourself — if you are not ready to accept any of the answers, don’t ask yet.

Once you have expressed what you need — with a clear enough explanation if needed — stop. Avoid too much justifying, overexplaining, begging, convincing, or demanding. When you go on and on, it sends the message that you feel undeserving of what you are asking. And the emotional power subtly tilts to the other person.

It becomes easier for them to turn you down and for you to flip in response. Say what you need and stop.

Watch out for emotional baits.

“Wow, you are so lucky!”.

Wait, was that a sarcastic tone you detected? They sounded angry and jealous. You expected a more congratulatory reaction from your friend or colleague — after succeeding in a project or landing that promotion. Instead, they called you lucky in a voice devoid of enthusiasm.

That is emotional bait. And the most natural reaction is to seethe at the passive-aggressive remark, defend yourself or downplay your joy. Refuse to bite and try this instead,

“Thank you, you are right. I am grateful.”

And they are right. We all need a bit of luck to succeed.

Reading too much into other people’s words and actions takes a lot of energy and serves as fuel for drama. The practice of engaging the emotional neutral gear ensures we are not caught off-guard by remarks or events that push our buttons. In the meantime, we learn to identify those buttons, get rid of them, or stay aware of their existence.

Adopt the basic assumption that most people mean well. The more you respond to people neutrally, the less they charge at you, and the easier you can identify baiting. What you do not understand, ask them to clarify.

Before you respond, breathe.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom”, Viktor E. Frankl

Many of us have that statement or response to a question, text or email we wish we could take back.

When we train ourselves to breathe before responding, we get a chance to be grounded. We can then respond calmly and with more clarity. We might also realize that this question, text, the email does not require an immediate answer or any at all.

Situations that require a prompt response are few and far between. The more we practice to pause and breathe before responding, the easier it gets. And it may save us a lot of trouble.

Sometimes, people (unconsciously) want to get rid of their unpleasant emotions — like anger or anxiety. They bait you into a back and forth or an argument. Breathe. Walk away. Excuse yourself from the phone conversation. Breathe some more.

Understand more, judge less.

Why did he say that? Why is she acting that way? This demand, tantrum, behavior — seems unreasonable to me. Am I missing something?

Ask yourself why questions before jumping to unfavorable conclusions about the character of a person based on one-off behavior. Some people are defensive because they are afraid of making mistakes. Why are they afraid of making mistakes? I do not know, but if I hold my judgment, I will find out soon enough. They could be going through a difficult time or moment. It is rarely personal.

How we act, talk, interpret events is dependent on many factors. Our upbringing, values, beliefs, and experiences all play a part in how we interact with others. When we keep this in mind, we become more open, sensitive, and less reactive. We apologize instead of justifying. We ask questions instead of making assumptions.

It does not mean we condone hurtful behavior. But when we err on the side of understanding, then we know what to respond to and how. We also know what to ignore.

Finally….

Think of the calmest person you know. How do you feel when you are around them? They are safe to be around — no walking on eggshells. You do not wonder if they will take personally what you just said. You don’t feel judged.

We all want others to relate with us in this way. But we can start with being emotionally calm, non-reactive, and grounded ourselves. We can practice being a safe and non-judgemental friend, parent, or partner — not a walking landmine. We start by giving what we wish to receive.