HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN MUSIC VIDEO
By: Jonathan Dias
Tags: Musicvideo, EDM, Countrymusic, Humour, Music

HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN MUSIC VIDEO

Video killed the radio star. Now it’s slowly but systematically attacking any sort of intelligence out there. And it’s doing so under the guise of music videos. Have you seen what’s been playing on the telly these days? If the planets are aligned and you’re lucky enough to catch a music channel playing actual music, you’ll notice that they’re as clichéd as they come. There’s good news though. You can now make your own music video. I’m providing you with a format for each of the main genres. Borrow whatever ingredients you want and we’ll see you at the music video awards. Don’t forget to thank us in your speech.

Boy band: First off, find four to five men who couldn’t make it as, well, men. These have to be the same people who are actually singing the song. It’s doesn’t matter if they can’t really sing. That’s irrelevant. Now, there are a few complicated and carefully choreographed steps that they have to execute. Such as point at the floor. Point at the sun. Point at the their hearts. Point at each other. And my favourite, fingers over face that seamlessly transforms into fingers over chest. Safe to say, if they have fingers, they qualify as dancers. Location, of course is of utmost importance. They have to be placed in an empty warehouse. Unfortunately, you have to let them out after the shoot.

Country: Ask your lead singer to get his favourite instrument along. Safe to say it’s a banjo. If you’re lucky, it may be a guitar. Now take him to a cliff at sunrise or sunset. Kick up some dust and start shooting. Do not under any circumstances, forget the cowboy hat. How would anybody know it’s a country song without the ten-gallon hat? All country songs are about him losing the girl, so don’t show any signs of female life. They’ve left him or have passed on. Hopefully to other genres. Other things permissible in the video are horses, farms, trailers and trucks.

EDM: All DJ’s have Attention Deficit Disorder and never sit still for anything. That’s why you can only shoot them playing live at concerts. There are some integral shots that you have to get for your video though. For one, you have to get somebody in the crowd making a heart sign with their fingers. That’s what electronic music is all about. Heart Fingers. Next, get a few seconds of the epileptic lights. If the viewer at home doesn’t get a seizure, you have failed as a director. Lastly, when you’re running out of ideas, keep showing the crowd jumping and hitting some invisible inverted cycle pump. If you need to buy time, show them in slow motion.

Bollywood: Nobody really makes Bollywood music videos. They just edit a clip from a movie and that suffices. Which clip? Well, it’s a little hard to identify. It’s the part where they are dancing. Look carefully and you might notice a scene where all the strangers quickly change into the same outfit, seem to know the same steps and suddenly have great chemistry with the protagonist and his girlfriend. That part. You will need around 30 costume changes, 600 backup dancers and token white people for your Bollywood clip to be a hit.

Rap / Hip Hop: Making a hip hop music video is really easy. All you need is 5 ‘booties’. 10 posse members who aren’t doing anything on a weekday afternoon. Throw in some guns, money and anything that is gold for good measure. And finally, a car that jumps up and down like it’s possessed by Satan himself. First, start off with a little booty shake in the foreground. Keep your gang members in the background looking at their feet as if they lost their jobs. (Let’s pretend like they were gainfully employed at some point.) Now, your rapper has to hold up a gold medallion to the camera while everybody is showered with money. Lather, rinse and repeat as necessary. Extra points if your lead singer has diamond encrusted teeth.