Neuroscience, The Romans, A Rainstorm, and Love.
Tags: Neuroscience, Wisdom, Roman, Recovery, Love

I got stuck in a rainstorm one day with my friend and her husband.

My friend’s husband wasn’t meant to be there that day, but it was pouring rain, and we all got trapped in the storm in the jungle. It bucketed rain for hours. So we sheltered in a deserted cafe overhanging a ravine. And then the three of us sat, to stare out over the misty forest, and talk.

We talked for five hours. There was nothing else to do. Eventually I asked my friends to tell me how they had met.

My friend is an artist, and her husband is a neuroscientist and psychotherapist. He’s one of the smartest people I know, and he runs a very successful practice rehabilitating severe trauma cases. But when this man met his wife, he was a recovering heroin addict, living on the streets.

I asked him how they did it. Most couples would never have made it.

He nodded. ‘Yes. Recovering from drug addiction is a messy process. I was a very different person back then. It wasn’t easy for our relationship.’

‘So what was your secret? How did you stay together?’ I asked. I figured it was a good opportunity to get some life advice from a neuroscientist.

He turned to me and said, ‘have you ever heard that phrase, “Love conquers all?”’

I nodded.

‘Well, that’s the answer.’ Then he leaned back in his chair, smiling.

I was slightly disappointed. I’d been expecting something more profound. Then he leaned back towards me. ‘It’s not what you think you know.’ He smiled. ‘Most people completely misunderstand that phrase.’ Then he told me the original quote, which in Latin, was Omnia vincit amor, and then he told me that it had been written during Roman times, by a poet named Virgil.

‘Do you know what it means?’ He asked me.

I shook my head. ‘I don’t speak Roman. Please tell me.’

He laughed. ‘It translates to…. “Love conquers all; let us then also yield to love.”’

‘Ok’ I said.

‘So if you want to understand the quote, you need to understand what conquering and yielding mean. And then, you need to ask what it meant, in Roman times, to conquer.’

I nodded slowly. ‘To conquer is to go to war, and to fight a fierce battle, and to win’.

‘Exactly’, said the man across from me. ‘But it’s more than that. To conquer, is to win. But what does it mean to be conquered? If love is the conquerer, what does it meant to be the one who is conquered?’

I laughed. I could see where this was going.

He lit a cigarette and continued talking.

‘It means that love is going to beat you, and that you’re going to suffer, and that you’re going to lose. I mean. The very definition of conquering, is that there will be a winner, and a loser. And whoever is on the losing side, will suffer, and maybe even, die. Thats how conquering works.’

He paused. ‘And love.’

I sniggered. ‘Well that’s true.’

‘It is’ he smiled. ‘Every one of us, is beaten in the end, by love. It’s not love that overcomes, it is us who are overcome. So here’s my answer,’ he continued.

‘If you want to understand how my wife and I found great love despite great obstacles, it is simply that we learned to surrender. To accept that great love, and suffering, are tied.’

‘In other words, we both allowed ourselves to be conquered by the love between us.’

He smiled, and so did his wife.

I sat and took a sip of my tea. He finished his cigarette and we all stared out at the jungle for a bit. I thought about what he’d said, and how much that demanded of us.

‘Is that why most people don’t find deep, lasting love?’ I finally asked. ‘Rarely have I met people who achieve it.’

He nodded. It is rare. ‘Most people aren’t willing to pay the price.’

I began again. ‘I wonder if, maybe, most people aren’t able to recognize the great work required. The fight. And maybe they aren’t truly willing to surrender to the pain it will cause them. I think most people just want love to be easy. They think if its meant to be, it will just work out’.

‘Exactly’ he said. ‘The problem is, no great love ever just works out. Nothing great…ever… just works out. Every great thing you will ever achieve in your life, of any kind, will be fought for.’

I nodded. He was right. After 17 years of marriage, and raising children, and several careers, and a few painful breakups, and some long friendships, I definitely agreed. Nothing great; nothing truly meaningful ever just worked out without some actual work.

He shrugged. ‘All throughout history, people have misunderstood love, and failed to find it, by misunderstanding this quote.

“Love conquers all” doesn’t mean that love overcomes all obstacles. It means the opposite. It means that love will cost you everything. And to find it, you must be prepared to go into battle, to lie down, and die. Both of you.’

‘Thats the secret.’

I nodded.

He then leaned over and whispered to us.

‘Love really does conquers all. But that doesn’t just mean love wins.

He paused, and smiled.

‘It actually means that you are going to have to learn to lose.’

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