Sex and the Frustrated Man
By: Kaye Smith Phd
Tags: Relationships, Desire, Sex, Women, Feminism

Sexual Lockjaw

Why don’t women say anything? Why do women continue to tolerate the intolerable?

Women put up with a lot.

We put up with sexual pressure to have sex when we’re not ready.

We put up with shitty foreplay.

We put up with orgasmless sex, unprotected sex, painful sex….

Crappy sex is like chowing down on Big Macs as your main source of nutrition. It does a number on your libido like the one fast food does on your heart.

So, why do we women do it then? One word.

Shame

We are drowning in sexual shame. Every last one of us. Both men and women. The shame comes from the fear that we don’t measure up. That we don’t look the right way, fuck the right way, or come the right way. Plus, some women discount their own needs because they don’t think they’re important — or they want to keep the peace.

Toxic sexual shame for women means that you turn yourself into a pretzel for the straight male orgasm — no matter the cost to you emotionally or physically. It doesn’t matter if you don’t come, are bored out of your mind, or your vagina rips, tears, and drips blood.

Women are socialized to tough it out. But eventually, it gets harder to keep the dog and pony show going. Something has to give.

I think it’s often assumed that women don’t say anything about libido damping issues out of fear of hurting their partners. This is true. Most women are socialized to put relationships front and center even at the expense of their own needs. We keep our mouths shut to avoid making our lovers feel inadequate and to avoid shaming them. Because we know how horrible shame feels.

You can’t turn on a TV or look at social media as a woman without noticing just how much you don’t measure up.

Gee, I don’t have a thigh gap, I can’t squirt, and I can’t even come hands-free — what’s wrong with me!

Toxic beauty porn is spoon-fed to women from the cradle and if that weren’t enough to knock out a libido the cultural erasure of the clitoris sure is. Couple this with a media afloat with images of fakesex, widespread sexual ignorance, and continuing gender inequities and you have a nauseating recipe for sexually apathetic women and sexually starved men.

Most of us aren’t told how to talk about sex. How to have the BIG CONVERSATION. It’s easier to keep your mouth shut when you haven’t a clue what to say.

So, women stay silent, the problem continues, and desire goes dormant — eventually disappearing.

Getting naked with someone — emotionally naked is a lot harder than getting physically naked. Because it means being real and that feels vulnerable. There’s always the risk that they won’t like the real you. And they might not. Get vulnerable with the wrong guy, someone who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about you or your pleasure, and be prepared to dodge some bullets.

Just one Mr. Wrong can profoundly damage your self-esteem and how comfortable you will feel with future lovers.

Some of my worst sexual experiences came from being too open with the wrong partner. I wanted to be sexually authentic but that only works if your lover is mature enough to handle your truth. If he or she isn’t, it’s like a drag queen coming out at a Baptist tent revival meeting. Jaws will drop, and fur will fly, and you feel like a freak with two heads.

“But none of my other girlfriends liked xyz…what’s your problem?”

This is the form that male sexual shame takes. One of the biggest problems with hetsex is the idea that a woman’s satisfaction is her partner’s responsibility, and if he can’t bring home the bacon he’s not a man. The male ego can be a fragile critter and an insecure man can be both aggressive and defensive in bed.