Uncovering Secret Grief with the Enneagram
By: Mandy Capehart
Tags: Grief And Loss, Healing, Growth Mindset, Enneagram, Coaching

Uncovering Secret Grief with the Enneagram

I don’t believe in crystal balls. But if you stare long enough at a mirror, you will find new wonders in the face before you. The enneagram system is not a new framework — yet it unveils us like new brides each time we see our own faces and soften our gaze.

Learning how to identify your own grief can help you give yourself a break! But sometimes, we don’t know what “a break” means, or even where to start. We don’t need more distortion or direction; we need clear vision. Insight into the self allows us to perceive our shortcomings as human and invite grace into our healing. If you’re a human like me, you’ve condemned yourself in your grief at least once. Likely 1000 times.

Remember: You are a beautiful, complex, worthy creation. Even in your sorrow, you deserve a break. Below, I’ve broken down how each of us can identify and respond to our grief with understanding of our own process. When grief comes from sources other than death, it can be confusing to notice or easy to dismiss. For those unfamiliar with the enneagram framework or who despise the whole idea of anything label or defining, stick around anyway. You will still resonate with many (if not all) of the identifiers below. This is your chance to try a little tenderness.

A note: The identifiers below do not always show hidden grief. Yet, it is always worth recognizing these lower level emotional reactions. Self-awareness can inspire even the deepest cynics.

I. Would. Know.

Photo by Yeshi Kangrang on Unsplash

Enneagram Ones — The Improver, The Reformer, The Perfectionist

Got grief? You become hyper critical of yourself (more so than usual). Your patience is thin with everyone, and the intensity of your judgment against the world becomes biting, impatient, and utterly condemning.

Get relief: Move your body. Slowing down the onslaught of judgmental self-talk means distracting your thoughts with some big physical action. Preferably, pick something intentional and mindful like yoga or kickboxing. Engage your brain in something you can use as a practice. Undermine your inner critic by reminder the voice that you are already whole, pursuing new levels of wholeness through healing. Further up, further in (thanks Mr. Lewis).

Enneagram Twos — The Servant, The Helper, The Giver

Got grief? You become sullen, detached from others, and generally disinterested in showing up. The idea of giving yourself or your time drains what little energy you have. You may even start believing others would be better off without you, believing you are not worthy of their time.

Get relief: Use your words. Speak to your sorrow; to the quiet place in your mind that seems to be shouting for attention. Pick one person who is trustworthy and gentle like you. Let them remind you of your value. Direct that incredible intuition about the needs of others toward your own heart. Spend as much time on your needs as you do the needs of others.

Enneagram Threes — The Achiever, The Succeeder, The Performer

Got grief? You pull away from the spotlight, preferring the back of the room yet act intense and aggressive. Your usual ebullience is replaced by sullenness. You become defensive, scarce, and resentful of others who seem happy or connected. Your emotions show up demanding attention, and you are unable to push them aside as usual to make the magic happen.

Get relief: Focus on meditation. In crisis, your mind and actions become so hyperactive that a practice of slow, steady, and alone will help you embrace the emotions you need to identify. If you struggle, pick one intimate friend who you can trust to hold you to a goal of self-growth instead of working to be seen as whole. Find solitude in the quiet of your own heart; befriend the emotions instead of stuffing them aside.

Enneagram Fours — The Individual, The Artist, The Romantic

Got grief? You see everyone as imposing their happiness on you. Your highs are very high; your lows are very low. You feel your feelings more than any other type, but those feelings you adore become monstrous. You will spend so much time trying to extrapolate meaning from the loss, you may get lost in the pattern of overthinking and underacting.

Get relief: Pull into yourself and express those emotions through creativity! Your ability to see the world for its beauty, despite the melancholy, will unleash new avenues of expression in others. But more importantly, your heart will express itself in ways you’d forgotten in your sorrow. Take time for yourself and let your big emotions have a big canvas to be honest and seen.

Enneagram Fives — The Seeker, The Investigator, The Observer

Got grief? You begin to snap. As a quiet problem-solver, your analytical side flies into analysis paralysis. Decision making is now harder than usual. You become cold, withdrawn, and hypervigilant about guarding and gathering information. Imagine having access to the person at the center of your loss. You may believe they have the answer to, “Why.” They are now the target of your insatiable thirst for closure.

Get relief: Lean into expert support. Your extensive understanding of all things does not mean you can create your own healing in grief. When the answers seem elusive, self-care becomes the answer you need to lessen stress and lower tension. This will allow your somewhat hidden emotions to become more realized and truer. Inviting wisdom from another allows you to release the obligation of research and to trust someone else has your best interests at heart. Let your deep empathy target your own story.

Enneagram Sixes — The Loyalist, The Guardian, The Trooper

Got grief? Where you are normally hardworking, loyal, and skeptical in a healthy manner, those traits become toxic in grief. Your skepticism leads to mistrust, fear of being manipulated, and hiding in your work to avoid processing the anxiety of uncertainty. Loss is proof that life is not safe or secure.

Get relief: Your high attention to detail means you are going to advocate and honor those around you when they are grieving. It is this same devotion to others that will benefit your own heart in the healing process. Spend some time with a trusted friend who will help you set boundaries and identify your needs first. Practice mindfulness techniques to undermine the skepticism at your own healing thoughts — invite the quiet to calm your mind.

Enneagram Sevens — The Enthusiast, The Dreamer, The Adventurer

Got grief? You love to appear happy and bubbly, so when grief settles you can become almost manic. Rather than keep up appearances, you simply avoid the people who cannot handle or tolerate your darker emotions. Your playful, spontaneous optimism is derailed by distracted impulsivity. Your “false self” is a thin veil that can be blown away at the slightest breeze.

Get relief: Be honest. Grief can be freeing and result in a grand adventure if you allow your emotions a chance to exist. Feeling low does not mean you will miss out on all the fun stuff; it gives meaning to the high emotional moments in a new way. Lean into the complex emotions with a confidant and trust that you are capable of demonstrating great strength and complexity without appearing dour or boring.

Enneagram Eights — The Champion, The Challenger, The Leader

Got grief? In sorrow, you have the shortest fuse and the loudest voice. Your anger, which is always right under the skin, suddenly becomes your skin. Anger and shouting hides the vulnerability you want to hide. You are known for your strength, but you may have bought the falsehood that being seen as weak or sad undermines your strength. You are worried that showing your softer, hurting side will result in a loss of influence or feelings of inadequacy.

Get relief: Practice vulnerability. You have a mental block against sadness that deserves a chance to break loose! Anger is a secondary emotion. By distracting your anger with a targeted practice (like daily journaling), your gut instincts will rise up and start speaking more clearly. Your vulnerability is the true source of your strength. Think yoga — controlled strength is flexible. Become honest with yourself, and you will be trusted to champion others in their own reckoning with grief. If journaling does not help, hit a punching bag first. It’ll shake something loose.

Enneagram Nines — The Peacemaker, The Mediator, The Preservationist

Got grief? While you generally avoid conflict, that avoidance is now your number one calling in life. Your easygoing nature is completely detached, choosing all the numbing and coping mechanisms you can find. Where you easily connect with others, your grief keeps you hidden and withdrawn more than usual.

Get relief: Find nature. Pursuing the beauty in the world outside of your influence and coping mechanisms can reconnect you to the reason you live and breathe in the first place: connection to others. Your life is one that draws all the people in with compassion, understanding, and generosity. Offer those characteristics to yourself in your grief by tending to the simplest routines of walking or finding stillness in the great outdoors.

Wings, Subtypes, and Other Complications

“The Enneagram doesn’t put you in a box. It shows you the box you’re already in and how to get out of it.” Ian Morgan Cron

As I write this piece, my enneagram five husband insists on the nuance of his number. I love him, and he’s right. No one is defined by a number or placed in a box. So if you choose to embrace this work as one that can lead to deeper revelations in your healing process, give yourself the gift of compassion. You are not a number. You are a human being with amazing capacity to love fiercely and grieve deeply.