Why We Shouldn’t Compare Our Children
By: First Time Mama
Tags: Success, Children, Parenting Advice, Childhood, Parents

Recently, my oldest Dylan, who is 13, said to me. “Mum, you are a really good mum, you know. Some of my friend’s parents compare them to other kids, and you never do that. You love me for who I am and don’t make me feel inadequate. That makes me happy.”

I can’t tell you how good it felt to hear that from him. Like most parents, I am constantly questioning if I am a good enough and hearing him say this gave me some reassurance that I am doing a good job. After all the main goal we have as parents are for our children to be happy, well-rounded individuals.

Whether we like to admit it or not, from day dot, we all start to compare our children to other children. Not necessarily in a braggy way but from a place of concern that our child is developing as they should, and they aren’t falling behind. We are hardwired to push our kids to compete. Back in the caveman days, we lived in a dog eat dog world, and our children had to be strong to survive. To survive, you had to acquire skills, so we compare for reassurance. Normal as it is, comparing can cause unneeded stress.

I made friends with another mum at one of the mum and baby groups whose little boy was the same age as my youngest, Isaac. We would meet up a few times a week and as time went on and our boys grew Isaac was hitting milestones before her son. As a result, she became increasingly concerned that her baby had developmental issues, and every time I saw her, she would be comparing the two of them and stressing out. Admittedly, a part of me was smug that my child was doing everything before hers. But, as a mother, I also felt her pain and was always reassuring her. By the time they reached 18 months, her little boy had caught up and was hitting milestones that Isaac hadn’t hit yet. All her worries had been for no reason. Children just develop and different rates.

When I started going to mum and baby groups with Isaac, I noticed very early on that talk would more often than not turn to how a baby was developing. Maybe it was just an update, or perhaps it would be a question on milestones not being reached by a certain age. But, mixed in with the praises and congratulations, there was quite often a smug tone.

“My son started crawling last week, how old is yours again? “

“Is he walking yet? My son is the same age and started walking a few months ago.”

“Aww, that’s great! My daughter was already rolling over at this age! “

I am not saying there is anything wrong with bragging about how well your child is doing. They are our pride and joy and representations of ourselves, and of course, we all want to believe that we have created something wonderful but, there’s a massive difference between being proud and eager to tell others and just being a braggy jerk.

We have all come across the smug mum who always must do one better than you and whose child is far more advanced than yours. She smiles and quietly judges you and makes little back-handed comments that baffle, belittle or completely infuriate you. And we all have smug moments when our child does something that another child of similar age hasn’t managed to do yet. There’s no getting away it from but avoid one-upmanship at all costs. If another parent tells you a story about how their child could count to ten at six months old and was walking by seven months, it isn’t your cue to tell them how your kid could count twenty by the same age and overshadow their child’s achievements.

All children develop at different rates; research shows that as long as your child is reaching milestones within the normal range, how quickly they reach them has no bearing on their later skills. So, if your 18-month-old is only saying one or two words while your friend’s same-age child is saying dozens, it doesn’t mean your child won’t eventually talk your head off. Obviously, if you are worried about their development, go and chat to your doctor or the health visitor and they will be able to help.

We all want to tell the world that our child is something special, and so we should! But the trick is to find balance. There’s a difference between being proud of their accomplishments and talking the kids up to the point everyone thinks you’re full of crap.

As they grow up, bragging about your kids to other people, especially when they can hear you, might cause them to feel like they can never make a mistake. They might be afraid of disappointing you.

So, be proud of your children and celebrate their accomplishments but if you’re going to brag about your child, I think it’s important to do it in ways that highlight our child’s successes rather than our success as a parent by focusing on their efforts not necessarily what they have accomplished.

read more articles on the first time mama blog