Achieve Your Goals by Being Kind to Yourself
By: Victoria Forsyth
Tags: Growth, Kindness, Goals, Goal Setting, Self Compassion

Most of us have been guilty of being hard on ourselves, beating ourselves up, criticising ourselves. Why do we do it? Does it help us?

Dr Kristin Neff (author of Self Compassion — Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind) believes we should have some compassion towards our inner harsh critic, it is trying to help us

It is trying to protect us [to ensure our safety, keep us being loved and accepted]

is trying to protect us [to ensure our safety, keep us being loved and accepted] It thinks that the best way to motivate us [to improve/to prevent future mistakes] is to be harsh

But critising ourselves never works, it might work on a short-term basis, but in the long-term it can lead to depression and lower self-esteem.

Here are ways in which you can kindly, gently, supportively and lovingly guide yourself towards goals.

1. Where are you now?

“Compare yourself with who you were yesterday, not with who someone else is today” Jordan Peterson 12 Rules for Life

A goal is like a journey from A to B. You need to know your destination but you also need to know where you are starting out from. You need to take an honest audit of your current reality. Go through the different areas of your life and write honestly for 30 minutes about your life right now. Be honest about the areas that are not going so well and also write about any things that are going well.

It doesn’t matter what this looks like, it doesn’t matter if you’ve had a number of difficult years and most areas of your life are lacking. It does not matter. It is just an honest acknowledgment of where you are now.

This is your starting point, it is what you will compare against in the future. it is not a past version of yourself where you had an amazing year achieving lots, it’s not a younger fitter you that could effortlessly train for marathons without getting injured, it is you NOW. When you achieved a lot in the past you may have had a better support group, you may have not had so many trials in life, you need a snapshot of your current reality. What does your typical day look like, what is your health like, your income. The more specifics the better.

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.” Ernest Hemingway

Also never compare yourself to anyone else. No one has had the exact same life as you, they may have had many more advantages over you. There will always be someone better than you. That is ok. We are not concerned about them we are only concerned about ourselves and our progress.

2. Is the Goal something you actually want?

‘You are not chasing the goal itself — you’re chasing the feelings you hope attaining these goals will give you’ Danielle LaPorte

Is your goal heartfelt? Do you really want it? Are you creating goals to achieve what we believe society or other people want us to achieve or are they goals that are truly desired by our souls?

Create a heartfelt vision for your goal. Become a film director for a moment and create a scene where you are achieving or have achieved your goal, imagine the feelings of joy, love, happiness. What colours are in the scene, what music is playing? What emotions are being shown. What are you feeling?

My vision for learning Italian and the guitar is busking in a small town in Italy. I can feel the sun on me, I can feel the excitement and nervousness of playing, I can feel the joy from being able to speak to someone in Italian. My vision for running is being able to run lightly and effortlessly in some nearby countryside, I feel energised, euphoric, strong, happy and free.

Ideally we should start to feel some of these emotions along the way, but having a vision can remind us of our why and is a great thing to refer back to when we’re feeling unmotivated.

3. Expose the ‘No’s’

“You gotta BE before you can do, and you’ve gotta DO before you can HAVE. Zig Ziglar

Often when we think of a goal a whole heap of resistance comes up. A friend of the harsh inner critic, the ‘resistant gremlins’ say things like ‘I can never achieve this’, ‘I failed last time’, ‘it will require too much effort’, ‘I’m not good enough’. Because the resistant gremlin comes from our head and uses the pronoun ‘I’ we often believe it to be our thoughts and we believe them.

One great way to be prepared for the resistance gremlins is to do the following exercise taken from the excellent book ‘I could Do Anything If I only Knew what it was’ by Barbara Sher.

Think of a wild, exciting, challenging goal

Imagine you have achieved it

For the next hour act as though you are a millionaire, a marathon runner, successful writer (whatever your goal is)

NOTE — don’t actually go and spend a lot of money you don’t have — imagine what you might be feeling or doing. For example you might just be relaxing in the knowledge you don’t have to work again. You might be managing your investments. If you’re a successful writer, you might be writing. Imagine what it feels like putting a picture of your marathon medal up on facebook. Tell yourself you are that person for the next hour.

Enjoy the hour as much as possible, really put yourself in that reality. Embody that successful person.

After the hour, wait a few moments and wait for all the resistance to start coming out of the woodwork, this is a great opportunity! Find out all the fears and reasons they are giving for you not being able to do this goal:

- I’m a rubbish writer

- I’m too old to run

- I’ll never be able to be a millionaire

We are now prepared for the resistance monster. Hopefully the hour you spent as a successful writer, millionaire was so well lived that you are excited to go out and achieve that and believe it’s possible. You can and when any of the above thoughts come up, you know that it is just fear, resistance. I now recognise these resistant thoughts and just let them go straight away, I don’t get hooked into them. I just ignore them. You could have some responses prepared for them like:

If I practice writing often enough it is something I can get better and better at

There are 100 yr olds that have run a marathon I’m fitter than many younger people

If I work hard and develop skills there is no reason why I can’t achieve being a millionaire. Other people have done it.

4. Are you expecting too much of yourself?

You cannot achieve everything overnight. You can’t even achieve ‘everything’, but you can achieve ‘anything’.

Start small, sometimes just committing to a small goal (making your bed each morning) can give you faith that you commit to a slightly bigger goal. BJ Fogg (Director, Behavior Design Lab, Stanford) has a great programme on Tiny Habits.

Use your honest audit from step 1 and the GROW model to help you design your goals so that they are achievable.

Some Goal Questions to ask yoursel: what outcome would be ideal? What goal do you want to achieve? Why are hoping to achieve this goal

Reality Questions:

Where are you in relation to your goal? Why do you think you haven’t reached the goal already? What have you tried before?

Options questions: / potential obstacles

What could be the smallest easiest step? Who might be able to help, what are your options, what advice would you give to a friend about that?

Way forward:

What resources can help you? Is there anything missing? What will one small step you take now? When are you going to start? How will you know you have been successful? What support do you need to get that done?

5. Celebrate the Wins

Celebrate, celebrate, celebrate.

And then celebrate some more.

Celebrate that you’ve tried. Celebrate the small step towards your goal. Celebrate your wins from the day. Celebrate your wins from the past week, the past month. If you failed, celebrate that you learnt something. Celebrate at every opportunity. Celebrating motivates and encourages you. Plus YOU DESERVE IT.

Success is a journey, not a destination. The doing is often more important than the outcome Arthur Ashe

Success is a series of small wins. Celebrate each small win. Look at what you have achieved and praise yourself for it. Think how much we praise and encourage a baby learning to walk or a dog for just being cute. We all need and want praise. Give it to ourselves and look for all the opportunities to celebrate.

Write down any successes from the last week, however small, realise all the good things you have done. Catch every bit of good.

Sometimes you can even incorporate a celebration into a habit (after my gym workout I will treat myself to an iced coffee, after my hour of writing I will take a walk). A delayed reward can motivate you.

Those feelings you want from achieving your goal, see where you are beginning to feel them now. Enjoy that feeling of success. Enjoy that feeling of feeling more financially secure after saving some money, enjoy that feeling of exhilaration after a run.

6. Measure the Gain not The Gap

“The way to measure your progress is backward against where you started, not against your ideal.” Dan Sullivan, The Gain and the Gap

Dan Sullivan of Strategic Coach explains how we must stop looking at our goal in the distance and look backwards at how far we have come. Similar to celebrating every win, we must remind ourselves how far we have come.

I can play songs on the guitar I would have loved to have been able to play just 6 months ago, but we soon become dissatisfied by where we are. We need to remind ourselves what we have achieved.

So while we have a far off goal in the distance, it is more important to look at how far we have ome rather than how far we still have to go.

7. Remind yourself what progress actually looks like

A plateau, a step back, a detour, these are all ok and all to be exepcted. They are not an opportunity to beat ourselves up, they are a normal part of a life and a normal part of achieving goals.

These things might be a chance to reflect and ask ourselves some questions:

Could I have prevented this? (injury in running) Can I prevent it in the future?

What Can I learn from this?

Would a plateau right now be good for me? To consolidate my learning, go over things. A plateau can prepare us for the next uphill, a time to recharge.

Do I still want to achieve this goal?

Have I got stuck? Do I need some help with this? Have I run out of ideas?

8. Who can Help me?

The best investment you can make is an investment in yourself Warren Buffett

We can achieve a lot on our own, but sometimes we need expert help. Sometimes we only need it when we plateau or reach a difficult spot.

I love my independence and love trying to figure things out on my own, but sometimes I’ve wished I had sought help earlier. I would have saved myself so much time.

I tried for months using google searches and various exercises to try and fix a recurring running injury, when a one-off physio appointment solved it and meant I was immediately back running.

Also after 18 months of chronic fatigue syndrome (despite having returned to full time work after 6 months) I reached a plateau. I spent money on some reverse therapy appointments and couldn’t believe the recovery, I wish I had paid for it months ago.

Similarly with guitar, although I managed to teach myself a lot through YouTube, my progress skyrocketed when I got myself a teacher.

Often the resistance to help is the cost. But I have found often only one or two appointments are necessary and you can always judge after one session (and each subsequent one) if it is really helping and a good investment.

Dan Sullivan and Benjamin Hardy’s latest book ‘Who Not How’ suggests that instead of asking ‘How can I accomplish this?’ we instead ask ‘Who can help me achieve this?’.

9. What mistake can you make this week?

“My dad used to ask my brother and me at the dinner table what we had failed at that week,” Sara Blakely, founder of the billion-dollar hosiery and apparel company Spanx

Sarah Blakey’s father would give her a high-five and say ‘way to go’ if she failed at something, tried out something and found it to be awful. She said if she didn’t have something that she had failed at, he would actually be disappointed.

When I heard this story I thought to myself, what can I fail at this week? I decided to buy some bitcoin, I decided if I lost £200 it would be my failure for the week. I would often have to spend that on car repairs, so if I lost the money I would view it like that. Two weeks later my investment was worth £1000. I then made the mistake of not selling it then, but I still have the investment and although it isn’t as high as £1000 it is still more than I bought it for.

In the process I learnt a lot, I learnt about cyptocurrency and investing. I learnt to sell when high and I learnt that sometimes what we think will be a failure could actually turn out to be a success.

Allowing ourselves to make a mistake gives us freedom, freedom to try. And mistakes are never mistakes, they are simply learning opportunities. If something feels a little risky, chalk it up as being one of your week’s potential failures. Surely we are allowed to fail at least once a week? We can also view things as experiments, try things knowing that we are prepared for it to go wrong; it is simply an opportunity to learn something.

10. Self-compassion

“Self-compassionate people have more intrinsic motivation in life — trying hard because they want to learn and grow, not because they need to impress themselves or others.” Dr Kristin Neff

Have compassion for yourself at every stage of a goal, but particularly when times are difficult and don’t go your way. Imagine how you would speak to a friend in these times. You would remind them of the work they have put in, you would remind them that it will be ok, that you can do it. You would remind them of all their strengths. You would never say to them ‘You’re rubbish, I knew you’d never be good enough’, yet we often say such harsh things to ourselves.

The exercises below (along with the many others on the website) can help with self compassion around goals and motivation: