How to Throw Yourself a Pity Party (and the Importance of Clean-Up)
By: Tiffany Harness
Tags: Self Care, Self, Life Lessons, Humor, Life Hacking

Last week, I got a message from a friend that said:

“I’m throwing myself a pity party this morning. V. lonely feeling. Any advice?”

Although my friend was probably asking for advice on how to stop feeling sorry for oneself or reminders on how to find gratitude, I was feeling very literal that day because, well, we’re all feeling some kind of way. I asked a few questions to be sure this was a “mood” and that he wasn’t in a really bad place. And then, once confirmed, I proceeded to tell my friend everything I know about throwing a good pity party.

Trust me here, I’ve had plenty of practice throwing parties. Mostly the kind that everyone is very excited about and then nobody shows up. Or, if not that, the kind we all wake up with a headache and a pocketful of blurry memories. Anyhow… my expert advice: As with any good party, you’ll need the basics.

Location, location.

I mean, we’re still having a pandemic so your pity party should probably be held at home. One more reason to stay home (for fuckssake, America, stay the hell home for a while). If, like me, you are generally fortunate to not live alone, finding a place to host your pity party might be a challenge. Maybe in your car in a vacant mall parking lot? Just you and your little scented cardboard tree. And maybe a drive-thru milkshake (see below).

The right foods for the occasion.

Self-indulgent foods are best suited, particularly if they are not healthy. I’m not talking about “comfort foods” here. There’s no warm fire and creamy soup feelings going on at a pity party, eh? Opt for greasy chips and a cheap drive-through cheeseburger — the kind you only eat when you’re alone and no one has to know. Better yet, consider a bowl of vanilla ice cream smothered in chocolate sauce. No whipped cream or sprinkles, though. That stuff is for happy people.

Drinks — pick your poison.

Along the same line as your food choices, choose a drink for your pity party that has zero nutritional or emotional wellness associated with it. Throw back a Four Loko before the FDA investigation pulls it off the market. Or try your hand at some homemade Long Island Iced Tea which has nearly 800 calories per serving when it’s done right. That’s a solid message of self-loathing to send to your body. If you don’t imbibe or if you opted to be sad in your car (see above), there are still plenty of options. Try a drive-thru milkshake, preferably strawberry flavored. It’ll remind you of all the other things that are supposed to be sweet and satisfying but just leave that *fake* taste in your mouth.

Playlist to conquer all playlists.

A quick search on Spotify revealed that there are no less than 20 songs titled Pity Party and at least four bands with the name. There are several playlists dedicated to it as well. If you’re having a general pity party, one of those might be just fine. However, if your sorrows are specific, it might be best to make your own. The trick is to get as deeply immersed in your feelings or pitiful situation as possible and ensure anyone in earshot knows about it because nothing validates self-pity quite like other people feeling sorry for you.

Activities that only hurt on the inside.

There are endless activities to help you create a memorable pity party. For example, you could spend a lot of time scrolling other people’s social media, comparing their picture-perfect world to your own actual life. Alternately, you might create a new online dating profile and only send messages to people who are clearly way out of your league. Also, try making lists of everything that sucks. Oh! Crying into pillows is definitely trending — I don’t think I know anyone who isn’t doing this.

A guest list is in order.

On second thought, don’t bother. They probably won’t show up anyway. Besides, the possible-scenario conversations you imagine you could have (or should have had) playing on repeat in your mind are plenty to keep you busy.

Closing time. No, for reals though.

Unless you want to metaphorically become a shitty frat house — not that all frat houses are shitty but you know the ones — where there is no beginning or end and it bleeds into future generations, I strongly recommend that all pity parties have a solid closing time. That’s when you kick everyone out (of your head) and do some intense clean-up, as follows…