The Heart of Who I Am
By: Danielle Vinson Marting
Tags: First Post, Twyla Tharp Quote, Dear Shaunta, Life Lessons

I was recently challenged by Shaunta Grimes (the original Ninja Writer) to respond to this quote by Twila Tharp. This quote is a beautiful summation of what we carry with ourselves, wether we like it or not, in all our creative endeavors. I have read this before but had never been challenged to deconstruct what that means for me. What are my ambitions and passions? How does my body affect how I either embrace the world or feel rejected by it? My needs, my memories? My prejudices?! Those are some scary places I had not considered, at least openly on the page. So here I’ll plunge right in.

My body- My body is aging and is not so forgiving in the area of thinning hair, varicose veins, weight distribution, or even the geographic location of my boobs. What happened?! I am not happy with my body right now, but to be honest, I’ve never been happy with my body. I’ve always been self-conscious. Even as a really small child I remember this distinct feeling of wanting to hide my body. I have only one bonafide memory as an 8 year old of being inappropriately touched by a friend’s father but that cautious sick feeling has followed me my whole life and continues to a small degree into my 24 year marriage. It affects how I interact with others and often how I hide from others. It alters who I am. I am always two separate people inside one.

Ambitions- My ambitions have always been very small or cautious ones. I am terrified of being disappointed or even disappointing others. So I hold all my ambitions close to my chest. To reveal them also opens them up to examination. Though, because of more recent events in my life that ended my 12 year hiatus as a stay at home mom, I went back to school and not only earned a Special Education teaching credential but also my Masters Degree. Because of these new accomplishments, I have opened up to an old desire to write again and not just for myself. I want to be seen and finally heard. I have grown up and my children are growing up, so now I want to want more. I want my life to have a bigger byline than just wife and mother of three. I want my byline to sound like an amazing adventure.

Ideas- My ideas are what I would refer to as my world view, my voice. I have a unique voice as a mother, a survivor, a spiritual being, a passionate fan of stories wether they be the classics, comic books, art, poetry, memoirs, etc… And I want to add my voice to the fray.

Passions- I am passionate about fiction and epic fantasies, often the darker the better. I am also passionate about improving myself and understanding why we as humans are the way we are. Why do we do what we do? Often the dark and macabre side of things. I am passionate about education and helping young humans navigate the hurt of this world often through finding their own voices.

Needs- My needs are simple, love and acceptance. Also lots of coffee and reading material and the time to enjoy the two in sacred silence. I grew up feeling neglected and unable to voice my wants and desires. My chosen family has given me space to have a voice, to feel secure and to also have space. All of which is the love I need.

Memories- My memories are often insufficient and unreliable sources. They are colored by emotions and read more like abridged classics for children. But they are all I have to go on. I am forgetful and I worry that what memories I have will someday be taken from me. My dearest sweet little grandma is in the throes of Alzheimer’s and deteriorating before me. I often believe this will be me. Maybe that is why I am determined to write every detail down and why I find so much pleasure reading my own accounts of my own life, because without them, I remember so little.

Goals- Goals are difficult for me because they are more concrete and need actions attached to them. I’m a thinker and a brooder not necessarily an action person though I am trying. I have evidence in my life that I can do it, I just don’t like to. So I make lists. Lots of lists. Goals for today that may or may not happen. The dishes, sending a birthday card to my nephew that really needs to go out and such. I make weekly goals that may need to be carried over to the next week a few times. Taking my dear dog or one of the two cats to the vet for vaccination shots may carry over and over for a month. I have seasonal goals like this summer, painting the house or finally take conversational Spanish at the local college. These goals are actually easiest. The hardest ones are the long term goals. Where do you want to be in 5, 10 years and so on. Those are the most challenging. My writing has been filling my long term goal headspace for awhile. I am 46 and will be 47 this September. Fifty has become my magic number getting closer and closer. I am determined to finish a work of fiction ready to send out for publication by 50. I am determined to make my 40’s the decade I make that a reality and my 50’s where I begin to see the fruit of that.

Prejudices- Damn you prejudices! I have them for people who are seemingly different though I know better in my mind. My humane logical mind knows but my ugly reptilian mind wants everyone in my life to be the same religion, the same educational background, the same political affiliation, the same economics and the same level of love for all things geeky. I have terrible prejudices when it comes to education levels and economics. I attend one of the wealthiest mega churches in Southern California and I have to bite my tongue every time I’m there not to make really snarky comments about the ridiculously over privileged. But I am well aware that this is all about perspective. I teach in one of the poorest districts in my area and my own children go to school there as well and compared to all of those kids, my kids are the over privileged white kids. I know. It’s not fair that we have so much and so many have so little. But it is easy to think in generalities about people. Then you actually have a relationship with any of these people, poor or wealthy, educated or uneducated, and you realize we are all people with a story that deserves acknowledgement and respect.

Distractions- I am distracted by busyness. Straight up. It could be my phone, my kids, my school work, housework, but I would rather be distracted than do what is hard and needs my undivided attention, my writing. It is so damn hard. What is best always seems to get a backseat to the rest of my life in order to get done all that is good. Because it is all important and good. But not the best. My writing deserves my best first.

Fears- I fear being outed as a really flawed human being. I fear criticism and being vulnerable. Which writing is the antithesis of. You are a better writer when you are most vulnerable. So here is a beginning.

-Danielle Vinson Marting is a writer who lives in Southern California. She teaches teenagers all day and comes home to them at night. Proud mother of three and married to her biggest fan.

#shauntagrimes #ninjawriter #firstarticleonmedium #daniellevinsonmarting