Good Interpersonal Skills Are Attractive
Tags: Interpersonal Skills, Humanity, Imitation, Peace, Relationships

I can recall long ago, long before I got married, seeing an attractive woman at a bar and wanting to talk with her. This was also long before I figured out I was looking for love in all the wrong places. As I was surveying her (that’s what I did as a young man), I saw her outside on the balcony. I was all set to visit upon her when she lit up a cigarette, then I turned away. I was done for I know how hard it is to stop smoking. I don’t like it when people smoke around me, and I knew that I’d never get that person to stop.

I didn’t know it then, but it was at that point that in my life that I had made a decision that interpersonal skills were more important to me than other things like beauty and wealth. Over the years since I was a young man, I’ve seen the same theme over and over again, there is no substitute for interpersonal skills. True happiness can’t be bought, it must be earned.

In the days when I was still a bachelor, I did my own shopping for food. While I waited at the check stand to pay for my haul, I could not help but notice the tabloids and all the unhappiness that they spew. Celebrity caught in an affair! Celebrity grieving over divorce! Celebrity caught shoplifting! Celebrity can’t find happiness to save their own lives! Grist for the mill, right?

Over the years, I’ve noticed the drug overdoses, the accidental suicides. River Phoenix. Kurt Kobain. Michael Jackson. Heath Ledger. Brittany Murphy. These are people who could have had anything they wanted. But no matter what they had, they were living a life of pain and did not have the skills to surmount that pain without help from drugs. Seems like every year, some other celebrity does themselves in, usually due to a lack of skills to manage how they feel about all that wealth.

I’ve known people who are rich, maybe even wealthy, but somehow, the happiness they want eludes them. They are in a constant state of battle. Or they are just so busy doing, doing, doing, that they never really get a chance for repose. The hustle and the battle, they’re the addiction, repose is the time we take for a rest from the hustle. I have known both and I know them well.

So when I saw myself attracted to people who would not return my calls because they were too busy, I recognized a skills deficit in myself. “My picker is broken”, I was told. When I saw myself attracted to people who did not have time for me, I reminded myself that my picker was broken. I recalled someone saying at a meeting one day that, “healthy people run from us because we’re dangerous.” I took that to heart. I took that to mean that I needed to develop a greater awareness of myself and how my behavior was impacting other people if I wanted to develop and maintain relationships with others.

I saw that beauty is temporary and serves a very temporary biological purpose. I read about studies showing how men and women both gained weight after marriage, as a way of making them look less attractive to other potential mates. You know, to encourage monogamy. I read about how people were using food to stuff their anger. I read about how people check out when they light up a cigarette after sex. I became aware of the countless ways we can check out with addiction. I developed a conviction that if happiness were to be mine, I was to have it through better interpersonal skills.

The story of The Beatles thoroughly killed for me, the fantasy that money was going to make me happy. Yes, it can make life a bit easier, but that’s only because once you have money, other people will work for your money. It won’t actually make you happy. I have made a casual study of The Fab Four, to look back on the history of the Beatles and viewed and read their many interviews and of those around them. The one impression I get from all of that is that they didn’t let the money screw them up. They figured out that wealth and fame weren’t things that were going to make them happy. They knew there was something more.

I say that good interpersonal skills are attractive because I’ve seen it myself. I know that I’d rather be with someone who is easy going and doesn’t sweat the small stuff than someone who berates me and everyone else for their mistakes. I’d rather be with someone who takes good care of their bodies and knows themselves than to be with someone who has checked out on the drug de jour. I’d rather be with someone who is forgiving than someone who is punishing. All of these examples in contrast are about interpersonal skills.

I treat others as I would like to be treated. I spend time with people who treat me the way I want to be treated. I model as an example, the way I want to be treated. I know that this is attractive because I know that there are people who want to spend time with me. In my day job as a software engineer, there are customers who ask for me by name because I’m not just an engineer. I deliver my skills in a way that lends confidence that their problem will get solved, even if I might not know how to solve it myself. I don’t think of my customers as “stupid” — I’ve heard coworkers talk smack about customers and didn’t like what I heard. Those customers are my paycheck. I honor my customers with my best interpersonal skills.

My experiences with other people have taught me patience. I have learned how to be with people who have skills deficits, my friends, my kids, and my wife. I have applied everything I know to make their lives easier so that they can live with me, even tolerate me. I’m not perfect, but I have enough self-awareness to notice my own skills deficits and when I see them, I take action to remedy them. Some introspection, a few phone calls, and some writing will usually help me to see the way to peace again. When people give me feedback, I don’t take it personally. I see that feedback as a guide to becoming a better person.

One of the most interesting characteristics of interpersonal skills is that they lend themselves well to imitation. Imitation is not just the sincerest form of flattery. We are built to learn by imitation. I practice my interpersonal skills every day to set an example. Every day that I do not escalate an argument leads to one more day of peace. Every day I do what I said I was going to do, leads to another day of peace. Every day that I am kind to another person leads to one more day of peace. With repetition, the days between episodes of drama tend to add up.

I’m human and therefore prone to error. So I choose to err on the side of peace, and the people around me tend to reflect that back to me by way of imitation.

I have noticed that some people in my life are slow to learn what I know, and what I’m demonstrating in my behavior. So I’m gentle with them. What I mean is that when I feel a sense of irritation as a result of someone else’s behavior, I make a point not to take their inventory and tell them all the things they got wrong. I gently introduce the error in conversation and suggest a durable, repeatable solution. Sometimes I even model the behavior without telling them to do as I do, for that would make them self-conscious. I would rather let the natural tendency of people to imitate each other do the work for me.

I have been doing this for years now. I take note of my own skills deficits and I spend the time and effort to fix them. I take note of the skills deficits of other people, but I don't call them out on it, erring on the side of peace. Where I see skills deficits, I model the skills I want the people around me to have.

I am mindful that the universe is a reflection of everything that I am thinking and feeling right now, and I comport myself accordingly. Whatever I put into the universe, I get back out, no matter the laws of thermodynamics. I’ve seen this over and over again. It works every time.

Write on.