soft.
By: Sarah C
Tags: Self-awareness, Vulnerability, First Post, Dont Know What Im Doing, Values

It’s bit of a stretch to link ice cream (soft-serve, get it?) and self-reflection — you might be in for a treat.

It’s your first year of university. You’ve been told that you can reinvent yourself, but you don’t know really know what you’re doing. You haven’t quite figured out how to be vulnerable and you view your own negative emotions as an sign of weakness. Someone spray paints the word “soft” on your residence room window and you get angry. Sounds familiar? Maybe not… but you’ve probably figured out that it was me that got angry.

Being labelled anything is less than ideal. And when you’re still in the early stages of learning what it means to be self-aware (I will forever be on this journey, in case you were wondering), it feels especially hurtful to be assigned an identity you have actively worked to distance yourself from. There’s a lot of back story on why I never wanted to be called “soft” in the first place, but I won’t get into that right now. I want to focus on the idea of adjusting one’s values. I was eventually able to recognize where my “soft = weak” belief came from (childhood: the classic culprit) and why it was problematic for me to subscribe to it. “Soft” has been sneaking its way back into my being (which only I get to determine) ever since and I am proud of that.

Why am I feeling what I’m feeling and what can I do about it?

To me, that moment serves as evidence that I have grown since first year (phew!). At the time, I would not have asked myself, “why are you reacting this way?” But in a conscious attempt to be more self-reflective, this is a question I have considered a lot recently. For me, this question can lead to an exploration of what I value, where that value came from and if/how that value has changed now. I’m curious about many things and at the top of this list as of late are my own thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard to do this thinking. I have come to realize how deeply engrained beliefs that I was raised on really are. I have struggled to move past the feelings of powerlessness and recognize that only I can do the leg work to re-evaluate these beliefs in order to move forward. I will back up this statement by clarifying that I am incredibly grateful for my parents, and I know that they raise me and the sibs with the most loving intention.

The cool part about being human is that, for the most part, we have the ability to choose. We can’t choose how life happens around us, but we can certainly choose how we react to it (especially once you know what’s going on below the surface). And how empowering is that? This can be anything from:

“Hmm… that person just pushed me in the subway. Maybe they’re late to an important meeting that will determine the future of their career and family, so I won’t roll my eyes and let it disrupt my commute.”

or on a different wave…

“Hmm… I think I am comparing myself to other peoples’ career paths too much. That doesn’t recognize how hard I’ve worked in a field that I care about. That’s okay. I just need to chill and be more proud of myself.”

On being intentional

If I’m not careful, I can have a pretty constant stream of thoughts running through my head. Being able to identify the roots of these thoughts has helped me validate and filter through them and respond (or not respond) in a way that I actively choose.

Whether it’s a streaming consciousness about the way we react to life’s smallest obstacles, the fundamental questioning of our values, or some reflection somewhere in between, a little intention can go a long way.

Know where you are. You can only start from where you are.