Your Coffee Order, Based on Your Political Affiliation
By: Max Micallef
Tags: Government, Politics, Coffee, Republicans, Democrats

Democratic — Hot Latté w/ 2% Milk

IMAGE: Unsplash — George Kroeker

Due to its very basic nature, this type of coffee brings in a wide range of people. A “big tent” one could say.

For far too long, the Democratic Party has come to the table asking for less before negotiations even begin. The people ask for almond milk, Democratic leaders then compromise towards skim (as though that’s what we asked for), and then they walk away with 2%.

I understand this may work for some people; and by “some people” I mean the self-interested and those who profit from the sale of cow milk (big pharma, oil, real estate, etc.) However, we can do so much better. We no longer have to settle for the bare minimum.

Also, for some of these “Democrats” that are really just moderates and centrists, they say they’re drinking lattés when in reality they just threw in a splash of milk. That’s not a latté, Klobuchar.

And Conor Lamb, stop blaming progressives for lost House seats this year. It was people like you that made Biden’s win a close call, and the fate of the Senate now determined by two runoffs. Every House candidate that won reelection this year supported Medicare For All. What a wild insult to the vast majority of Black, immigrant, Latinx, and Queer people that worked so hard for Democratic campaigns this election season when they really shouldn’t have had to because their human rights were at stake.

In principle, and I mean in the very general sense of what a latté is, this type of coffee isn’t “bad.” The root of it is that we need structural change towards how we operate as a whole. What we’re currently serving isn’t nearly enough.

Republican — Hot Black Coffee

IMAGE: Unsplash — Matt Hoffman

I understand why in theory this makes sense, but just like a 2% latté, simplifying, or in this case, cutting parts away from a drink doesn’t make it “one size fits all.” You’re just leaving out what most people want (need) simply because it works for you, then claiming people are just whiners for holding you accountable.

The reality of it is, this type of coffee just isn’t sustainable.

Are you honestly going to tell me that if the only way coffee was prepared was black that everyone’s needs would be met? People are fluid and multi-layered creatures, not machines. Your rationality argument doesn’t mask the fact that your coffee simply lacks.

Let’s add another perspective to this year’s Senate results. Your majority in the chamber is now being determined by Georgia’s two seats; the same state that the Biden campaign and community organizers just flipped Blue. This hasn’t been done since President Clinton’s election. The people have had enough.

The U.S. House, Senate, and White House were all serving black coffee a few years back and we all know how that turned out. The peoples’ needs continued to be unmet, if not received further harm from what you believe “is best.” The House and presidency (and maybe the Senate) now only serve everything but black coffee for a reason. Expand your horizons and move on.

Libertarian — Iced Black Coffee

IMAGE: Unsplash — Matt Hoffman

You may ask, “How is this any different from hot black coffee?” My response: It isn’t.

Libertarians claim to be “socially liberal and fiscally conservative.” Sure Chad, whatever you say. If you are able in the same breath to agree with full marriage equality, but stand by customer discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity, crying the “importance of private ownership”, then you aren’t “socially liberal.”

Cold black coffee is just more approachable because it’s not blistering, but that doesn’t mean it’s not absolutely bitter. Just because you may be embarrassed or ashamed to admit you are black coffee, doesn’t mean you aren’t. It means you are rejecting reality. (Tearing Libertarians a new one isn’t new behavior for me.)

Iced black coffee and hot black coffee are the same drink. Period, end of sentence.

Green — Hot Vanilla Lavender Latté

IMAGE: HeyFoodapp.com

This is an example of a prime latté.

Use whatever milk works best for you, you’re still getting that creamy vanilla, lavender goodness like everyone else. The base is the same, but there’s a little wiggle room for individual preference; just like any true progressive policy.

A lot of 2% latté drinkers will tell you that this is just unrealistic. They’ll say, “You can’t just give-out specialty lattés left and right.” Well, why not? If that’s what people want, and we have plenty of ingredients for it, then that’s what they should get. Sounds like somebody may actually be a big fan of hot black coffee.

The issue here is…. not all progressives are on board. Yes, we very much agree with the concept you're going for here. What you stand for is absolutely feasible. The implementation is just a little off.

We aren’t caving though to the false beliefs stated by the 2% latté drinkers, but what if we want this iced? Can we get vanilla and not lavender, or lavender and not vanilla?

I definitely support this type of coffee, but it needs some tweaking. I’m sorry people group you with iced black coffee. You definitely aren’t the same.

Progressive/Democratic Socialist — Custom Drink

IMAGE: Unsplash — Kamil S.

The main reasons why people drink coffee are for the caffeination and the coffee taste. Let’s just stick with the objective then instead of distracting ourselves with the preparation. As long as the mission at hand is done, people should have their coffee however they want it, as long as everyone is getting coffee.

Am I right or am I right?

Good policy is holistic and comprehensive. We can afford the Green New Deal. We can afford Medicare For All. We absolutely need a tax on the ultra-wealthy. We cannot afford the continuing and increasing devastation that will result without progressive policies like these.

Trumpism/Fascism/Bigotry — A Steaming Cup of Battery Acid

IMAGE: ThoughtCo.com

This isn’t coffee. This is acid.

Some people like to sell it like it’s coffee though. Some hot black coffee drinkers will gladly hold up a cup of battery acid and exclaim, “This is what black coffee should be!” Meanwhile, they have a visible hole burned through their throat. As long as they benefit from it, they could care less about what they’re selling.

Then we have people who know it’s not hot black coffee, but out of “pride” would rather have acid than anything else. I don’t like 2% milk either, but if you think I’m drinking battery acid instead you’re dead wrong.

We can disagree on the type of coffee, but don’t lie to my face. I’m not falling for it. I have ethics, human compassion, and a moral compass.