Play a Japanese Teenager in 1987 And Avenge Your Father’s Murder
By: Hogan Torah
Tags: Review, Culture, Retro Gaming, Japanese Culture, Gaming

Play a Japanese Teenager in 1987 And Avenge Your Father’s Murder

Or play Shenmue and walk around looking for sailors

Image by Tamberella from Deviant Art

“Shenmue was awesome! How could anyone not like Shenmue?”

Shenmue was an excruciating but visually amazing slog through late 80’s Japan that repurposed the Virtua Figher engine into an JRPG. It only sounds amazing, the game is beyond tedious.

Normally if I’m an hour into a game and not feeling it, I just don’t play it. Shenmue always looked like the game was on the brink of getting good but never quite gets there before it ends (FF XIII the hallway simulator syndrome).

Your Father was murdered by Wang Chung. You’re a teenager and Japanese so ~VENGEANCE! Your Mom is a typical ineffectual NPC mother who doesn’t seem to notice or care when her 16 year old son goes missing for a few days at a time. Unless that’s a cultural thing.

Your character Ryu or Ryo depending if you are playing the import or not, wakes up in 1987 Japan.

So, anyone know where to find some sailors? Screen shot from Shenmue by Sega

They nailed it. Well, it looks how I would imagine 1987 Japan would look.

Awesome! There’s an arcade! Excuse me sir, do you know where I can find sailors? Screen shot from Shenmue by Sega

It does look cool as hell, but it really isn’t.

Get a clue. Ask NPC’s til you ask the right one and there’s 30 of them. One NPC is correct the others…

“Hello.”

“Oh! Hello Ryo. How are you today?”

“I’m fine.”

“Is there something you wanted to ask me.”

“Yes.”

“Well, what is it?”

“Do you know where I can find any Sailors?”

“Hmmm… Sailors in town. No, I haven’t seen any. But I promise I will keep my eyes open. Tell your mother I said hi.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Good bye Ryu.”

“Good bye.”

When you do find the right one it triggers a quick time event. Where you must push the right button at the right time. Rarely does it take advantage of the excellent Virtua Fighter engine and actually let you fight. Get another clue from the QTE. Ask everyone in town. And so on and so forth. What kept me playing this snooze-fest?

The first place that’s accessible is a mall with about 40 stores that looks incredible. And there’s a gate which you assume you will eventually open to reveal the next equally amazing area dripping with nostalgia. It’s probably going to open after the next clue. Okay, maybe the next one. It has to be this one. Sailors?

Wow, do I need to talk to every NPC in this mall?

You do. Multiple times.

And you need to meet up with your girlfriend occasionally. Who could be the most irritating JRPG girlfriend ever. I’m serious, this woman makes Lynn Minmay seem aloof. That’s saying something.

Oh, Ryo. Why can’t you find any sailors? Screen shot from Shenmue by Sega

So you talk to everyone in town and button press through any scene that involves any NPC. Especially your whiny girlfriend demanding attention. Finally, after 15 hours of game play the gate opens at last. Oh man, I can’t wait to finally see what’s next!

Oh boy. Crates. Screen shot from Shenmue by Sega

I spent 15 real time hours talking to NPC’s looking for sailors. Then I press the right buttons at the right times on the 8th try for the QTE’s. And what’s my reward?

They stick Riu in a warehouse… Awesome. Lazy bum programmers. What’s next? Are they going to make work for eight hours a day driving a forklift?

Yes, exactly. In a feeble attempt to make this game fun you get to race them. It’s not fun. Screen shot from Shenmue by Sega

I had come this far. Might as well finish it. You! The man who killed my father Wang Chung who I declared ~VENGEANCE against! We fight… No we don’t fight. I fight a guy who tells me where Wang Chung is so I get on a boat so I don’t have to hear girlfriend whine. No, wait. I mean avenge my father’s death.

Shenmue part 2 was another thrilling 20 hour episode that until lately was only available in Japanese. I imagine.

After 20 hours of looking for crap and racing forklifts not a damn thing is resolved. They expect me to buy part 2, then part 3? Are you kidding? Hell nope. I’ve spent enough of my time helping this walking bulletin board look for sailors.