The Fall
By: Flemming Engstrom
Tags: Depression, Personal Development, Spirituality, Thoughts, Forgiveness

Dropping into depression

The Fall

How we unconsciously create our state of mind

Photo by Volkan Olmez on Unsplash

The first feeling was that I was unsupported. The belief that I was no longer supported by what had created me, and that which defined all I was.

I should have laughed at such a stupid thought. How could I be unsupported, how could such an idea ever have been believed?

But it was believed, and then came the feeling of horror realizing that I was on my own, no longer supported by my source.

I was terrified, and terror became an underlying feeling in my new identity. Horror was the base, and a terrified mind was the result.

Then came hatred and filled me. It burned my mind and made me crazy. Then came panic over being alone. Panic and terror was the new state of my mind. The mind that believed that the first thought of being unsupported to be true.

Self-abuse was the next feeling. A feeling of hatred towards myself and the suffering started as a constant reminder of what I did. And with that came guilt and more self-abuse.

The reality of my new state of mind was too dark, and my mind became defensive. It now believed that what had happened to me was not my own doing; it was done to me.

Lust came as a way to forget the suffering. But not releasing suffering, the mistaken lust just became another evidence that I was unsupported.

I was now in a state where I was taken for granted that I was unsupported. Panic was constant, and guilt was tormenting my soul.

Resentment and bitterness came and became my new friends. The righteous answer to what was done to me. I was a victim of what was done to me. Resentment towards the attackers and bitterness over my situation was now logical.

Then came longing for what was no more. Panic returned and showed me that all hope was lost, and fear was my new friend.

Then came resentment towards the self I had become. Guilt came because of what I had thought of others. Disgust filled me as I saw my new self.

Then came discouragement as I again realized that without my source, there was no hope of release.

Then came sorrow and finally sadness.

I am sad because I am unsupported. This layer of sadness is always there. I try to hide it because sadness is so different from joy, and I do not want to become one with sadness. But it’s always there, and it’s there because I am unsupported.

But sadness is not the cause; it was made by sorrow, which was produced by discouragement, which was made by disgust, which was created by guilt, which came from resentment, which came from fear, which came from panic, which came from longing, which came from bitterness, which came from resentment, which came from guilt, which came from panic, which came from believing that I was unsupported.

What if that first thought was not true? Would the resentment be real? Would bitterness? Would longing? Would panic? Would fear? Would disgust? Would discouragement? Would sorrow? Would sadness?

It’s just thoughts. They are not real. They can all be released if you realize that the sole purpose of that last thought only is to prove that the prior was true. And that again was only made to show that the one before it was true, etc.

It’s a chain of lies because their root is a lie. You cannot build truth on a lie. Only illusions can be made like that, and they only affect because you believe them.