A Letter to my Unborn Daughter
By: Ephemeral Martha
Tags: Birth, Philosophy, Children, Love, Parenting

Can anyone justify imposing life on another person? Every human is born without any consideration of whether they want to be. If we knew the facts of our life before we were born: who our parents are, what environment we are born into, what freedoms we will be allowed, what our DNA will be like, how others will treat us, that we will definitely suffer, that we might, if we are lucky, experience a fleeting happiness or a few moments of joy, that fortune will have the most telling role on what happens to us, would we still choose to be born? Furthermore, is it rational to have a child in the knowledge that, according to the UN, the human population will peak at 11 billion by 2100, and then stabilise around this number, yet we do not know how to sustain that number of people without causing irreparable damage to Earth?

And yet, I feel a desire to be a father: To give my own life a meaning outside of it’s self, to care for another living being that shares my genetics, as I am curious to witness how a human develops, because I love my wife who also wants a child and I am fascinated by how life would be created by us, to try incredibly hard so that another person may enjoy some of the pleasures the world has given me, since, if nobody had children, I wouldn’t have been born to enjoy the wonders of Life, such as the precarious nature of this outstanding dilemma. So to have a child is, on the whole, a selfish choice.

To try and overcome the damage that such a selfish act could have on another person, to appease the choice of throwing a human-being into an indifferent world, I believe a parent must spare their children the burden of expectation or the idea that they must be grateful for this imposition, which also means shedding the religious myth that life is sacred in and of itself. Rather, parents must acknowledge that they have to pay the price of life-long responsibility towards this person, who owes them nothing. Yet we owe them an infinite level of selflessness; forgiveness; patience and unconditional love to help them through a life that will be unbearable at times. And, to avoid hypocrisy, this must be done in the knowledge that our child is no more important than any other child.

Learning I am to be a father is realising that I am incredibly lucky and will now be working towards an important but impossible task. A task that I will inevitably fail at yet might grant me a sense of purpose, a sensation of fulfilment, I would not have experienced otherwise. It means I have a responsibility to be a ceaseless source of solace from a beautiful, yet uncaring world, if that person needs me to be. And so I have written a letter to my unborn daughter in the front of Jostein Gaarder’s book, ‘Sophie’s World’, in the hope that when she is old enough she will forgive me and know that I tried my best in the face of so many unknown unknowns:

Anticipating your birth, imagining the time when I will hold you in my arms for the first time, fills me with an awe and wonder I never thought I would feel. Just know this Sophie: You are amazing and special no matter who you are, how you feel, what you like to do, what you look like or how you live your life. Regardless, I will always love you and I hope you will learn to love and accept your self — having the courage to live the life you wish to live and not the life you think other people want you to live.

This book is about Philosophy: The history of human ideas about who we are and how we should live. I love Philosophy. It has taught me three important things I want to share with you: To think carefully and deeply, questioning everything calmly, to keep learning throughout my life and to be humble, valuing compassion for others, since there is far more uniting than dividing each human being. Anyone can do these things if they wish. I have found that they help make life more fulfilling, aiding me in difficult times whilst ensuring I stay curious of life’s wonder and live as adventurously as I can.

Life is beautiful, precious and painful Sophie. A sad truth, that we must acknowledge, is that we are all inherently alone, living in our own mind, and will all therefore suffer in some way before we die. This is why I believe humility and compassion are so important. Life can also change at any moment, for luck and chance runs through our lives. So the best we can do is embrace life’s full complexity, being grateful whilst striving for our own contentment, in the knowledge that Love is above all: Love for others through kindness and generosity, Love for ourselves through acceptance. Never feel you are alone and know you can always talk to me about anything. I will never judge you. I will always love you, no matter what happens and I will always support you the best I can.

Love Dad