Creative Burn Out Mapped
By: Jenna Citrus
Tags: Burnout, Artist, Life, Creative, Creative Process

Join me through the chronicles of switching from art making to video production and back again while watching the slow buildup to burn out. From October 2019 (and on and off before) to October 2020 I experienced a long period and many levels of burnout, this article records and explores my burn out, what I did to fight it, and how I finally overcame the struggle.

From 2014 when I mapped my accomplished goals for a month on my wall.

October 2019

I’d been feeling this burn out coming for a long time, it came in stages, and waves, but the tide took me under when I returned from six weeks on the road in October of 2019. I didn’t want to travel anymore. In 2015 I’d began to take many trips, 2016, 2017, 2018, and 2019 all came in the form of being gone as much as possible. In the last few years I was typically gone 100 days out of the year. Traveling for art making: to connect with other creatives, traveling to gigs, to be stimulated by external environments, to see exhibitions, to be part of gallery shows, and to immerse myself in a different surrounding (Change my Scenery). It was all quite inspiring but on this last epic adventure I’d lost my yearning for travel and found the need to be rooted. I’d been trying to buy a house for over a year at this point in time I still hadn’t found my match.

Throughout college and high school, I was in art classes but I was always making art outside of class assignments, I’ve been compelled since I was 14. Trying to write songs, succeeding at painting, poetry writing, photography, and any other output that came across my path. I’d spent several years doing outdoor popup exhibitions and I grew tired of them far before this last patch of burn out.

Graduate school, in the fall of 2017, was the demise of my free-spirited creative output. I was no longer encouraged to create to for beauty’s sake nor to sell my work. Without those two motivations I felt lost. I’ve always been spontaneous and usually positive in my works. I also use photography and poetry as tools for self-reflection. The entrepreneurial spirit runs deep within me as well. Without those three motives for creation I was stuck in the grad school rut of trying to ask myself: why I create? Why I make art? What social impact is this piece going to have? I didn’t know the answer, it wasn’t provided to me, nor did I figure it out in my depressing semester.

Come February of 2018, I’d been turned on to a wonderful website called Patreon where supporters can help creators earn a living. I’d had an account since May of 2016 but this month I had a mentor, so to speak, swoop into my life and let me in on a few secrets of how to turn my fine art photography and creation into something that could earn more than $1 a month. I switched to video art, my mentor encouraged me to wear sexier clothing and tease nudity as a come on for a reason to dip behind the Patreon pay wall.

I’ve always used nudity in my artwork. Mostly because I didn’t have wardrobe on hand that fit the scene. I always wear comfortable clothes rather than beautiful. However, I didn’t always carry a ballgown in my backseat.

I’ve written love letters to the human form for years, it caries me through tough times, and celebrates with me in successes. My body is always with me so I use it as a creation tool. How could I not? Writers must use their body. Without our bodies and minds we can not exist.

I’ve never viewed myself as a sexy person. I see myself as meek and modestly dressed. This may be hard for some people to see since I am comfortable with my naked body but when I first started modeling professionally I wouldn’t wear lingerie because it felt sexy. But when I shifted my content creation in February of 2018 I began focusing on creating videos. When I began to gain support monetarily through Patreon I was thrilled. The biggest online payout I had before this was $96.43, I was thrilled. I used all that money and more to buy art supplies. (Side note: In 2016 I was granted a fellowship that came along with a weekly stipend that added up to $10,000. I used all of that and more to buy art supplies. I’ve always wanted to spend all of my money buying supplies: paint, camera gear, ballgowns, etc. and after creating content on Patreon for a few more months I had more money than I could spend on materials coming in each month. Which was great because I had rent and food to buy.)

I went at video creation hard. I was thrilled I could make my monthly bills by working at home on the computer, something I’d been trying to do since I was 16: stock images, online contests, art shows, pop-ups, etc.

I got sucked in to creating the kind of content that I noticed seemed to sell. I created for the audience unlike I used to. My art output has always been incredibly personal and having an audience was always supportive but finding how much more support I’d gained for this new type of output was conflicting. Along with the newfound support, I received some backlash from a couple people back home who didn’t want to see my modeling and only wanted to see my art.

The next year and a half passed in collaborations with several great modelographers but I began to get burnt out. I didn’t know what the point or purpose with my continued creation for money and for the audience was anymore. I didn’t want to displease them but I wasn’t making content I was proud of. I wasn’t making artworks I wanted to be remembered for or to tell my parents about (they knew how I was making money but I didn’t actively tell them to go check out my latest things).

***

November 2nd 2019 stormed in and I was at a breaking point. I needed to shift, to let go of the personality the internet had build and perceived of me. I cut my hair with a pair of scissors in the bathroom, I took off between 10–12 inches (in certain places, I was trying for a nice straight line … but I did this haircut myself).

I came to realized I’d rather be recognized for my brain than my body.

My hair felt like a brand I’d become attached to rather than the extensions of my cells intercepting the world that they are.

I continued to create but applied for a few local jobs, I ended up working on a farm and using my body like I never had. I loved the work but my body didn’t hold up. My shoulder hurt and I became nearly debilitated from using my left arm, my hands would be numb for nearly an hour in the mornings, my teeth hurt (from gritting with exertion and from stress grinding)and all fleshy parts of my mouth became sore. I sadly put in my two weeks, which turned into a month, then my body said no more in June 2020.

At one point in time I’d told my coworker that I was going to stay at the farm until I knew where to go next, my body gave out just a bit before then but timing worked out. Right around that time my dream house finally came to me but it needed work done. I created a 30 days schedule to turn a house into a home but of course things didn’t go as planned. A few months into the house and I was burnt out on this project too. I took a break and reassessed. Once I decided to stay at the house a bit longer I wrote a mantra: I love this house. I tapped that piece of paper to the wall in my office. Within two days my relationship with the house changed. I felt much better and knew I could go on with projects in the house as needed and that I could choose to live in the house in the state of disarray that it was (afters some certain deep cleaning).

***

In February of 2020 my creative block was been broken in the form of using a typewriter. I hadn’t written in years and the physical clanking of the keys jarred the dust from my cobwebbed mind and I began to write again at least for a little while. My first layer of burnout was shaken free.

***

I’ve carried this quote with me since 2014: I want to be a writer because I want to live fully, experience life to the fullest, and never have to choose. Meaning I want to keep living life, filling my pot so I will have a vast well to pull experiences from which to write about. I feel like this is what the farm and the house were because in October after conferring with another creator I finally was able to break the shackles of burn out and dive into a crazy new realm: I wrote a novel.

NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month. I’ve been aware of it for 5 years now, I loved the idea but thought it was a crazy undertaking especially with the demands of school nagging me. Writing is difficult but it is also rewarding. I wrote a novel, edited it, and am now waiting for some of my favorite editors to read it and get back to me with revisions. I also paid for help and wrote a song, recorded a song, and produced a music video I’m proud of. I feel like my creative life is back on track. I’m going full steam ahead into 2021, I know it may be a bit ill-advised to go full steam but there’s no other speed for me. I’m reframing my online content creation to view it as my day job while leaving myself room to breathe and be creative naturally. I’ve also created a schedule for next year outlining my goals and what I want to focus on month by month.

I do not regret taking a break. I do not regret altering my content in order to support myself as a creative. I’ve allowed myself the space and time I needed. I’ve found a way to generate income online while still allowing myself time to pursue my passions, however vast and varied they may be.

I will keep creating content I am passionate about.

Take a break, take a break from taking a break.