The Peculiarities of a Poly Threesome
By: Digital Bitch
Tags: Porn, Threesome, Sex, Sexuality, Polyamory

When you were 13, you barely managed to download a couple of kinky pictures from the internet when no one was looking. You saw a naked body of a woman and guessed where the mysterious places to be touched are, not comprehending why you peed yourself at the same time.

Later, rolling your eyes out when discovering porn, making sure to go through all categories during one parent-less weekend until your dick turned blue. Ridiculously confident, you initiated your first make-out with a girl in college, realizing soon that you are not a natural woman-satisfier machine you desperately hoped to be.

How much time did it actually take until you managed to fuck someone without having a pathetic apologetic look when your load landed on your partner’s back after 2 mins of fun? How much time did you need to understand that you don’t eat pussy the same way a dog licks his balls?

A lot, I know. Including countless embarrassing moments, you are trying so hard to forget. And that’s exactly the point. Fucking is actually a fucking skill most people need to learn. The tricky part is that when you finally obtain the award for the greatest lover of all times, enjoying the indescribably satisfying view of a woman shivering after a full-body orgasm that you personally caused, you could think you know it all. A proven track record of great sexual experiences with one person gives you the right to consider yourself ready for an upgrade to a threesome.

I have been exactly there, my dear. As condescendingly as it may sound, let me assure you that it’s bullshit. You might get lucky a few times, as I did, but it simply takes time and some additional effort to fully grasp the art of shagging two people at the same time.

There are many reasons why it’s different and at times, even more complicated. Having two chicks to suck your cock is a cool thing to brag about in front of your friends over the fifth glass of whiskey, yet you don’t want to tell them that you wanna shit your pants every time one of your ladies is left unsatisfied. Not to mention the Star Wars starting when you are the only one who cums. I bet you will never say it is your favourite movie ever again.

Different needs, different expectations, different body signals, different energies, different tastes, different everything. What are the odds of finding two women who would be so similar that you wouldn’t have to multiply by two all the responsibilities and tasks you have otherwise? Yeah, I know, you are thinking about shagging teenage identical twins. Well, forget it, that’s even less probable than marrying Ruby Rose.

Such diverse environment requires a whole new approach. If you don’t own a clone machine or can’t split yourself into two bodies to make it at least a bit more feasible, you need to employ your best stakeholder management skills, heavily supported by active multitasking, prompt improvisation and non-violent communication. Your most hard-core demanding board members can’t even hold a candle to two horny women in your bed.

Navigating through the vast ocean of female emotions can easily become a great challenge equal to Christopher Columbus’s epic journey. The destination is clear. You wanna make your partner happy. You have a rough idea how to get there but there are no fucking maps to confirm that. So you embark on a crazy adventure finding the way yourself. As soon as you see the first signs of solid land on the horizon, you start masturbating with excitement, ejaculating prematurely while claiming you have reached your goal, not paying much attention to the simple fact that you just ended on a completely different continent where no one wants you.

Now, imagine this with two girls instead of one. Do you realize the chances you have to discover Australia on your way to India, too? Close to impossible, if ya’ ask me.

When it comes to a threesome, timing also adds a few items on the hassle-list. Especially in a polyamorous relationship. As it is no longer a random Tinder date that turns into a spontaneous meaningless one-night-stand, there are a lot of variables to consider which make the whole experience as sexy as your 80-year old grandma in lace lingerie and fishnet stockings.

Is everyone in the mood to have sex now? Are any of the girls on their period? Isn’t someone upset with one of the others (or both) by any chance? Shall we start now, when the last one is still brushing their teeth to cause suspicion that there is a secret exclusive party happening? Or rather wait and lose the vibe while listening to the sounds of gargled mouthwash? Are we being romantic or rough? Slow or fast? What’s everyone’s energy level?

This endless miserable doubting, wavering, evaluating, assessing and hesitating inevitably leads to a conclusion of not having sex together at all. Or pushing yourself into it, resulting in something weird and, or, someone getting emotionally hurt in the end. Obviously.

Need more shit or did you stop being envious by now? I see, one more then.

You can stumble upon a promiscuous lifestyle checkbox in most of the medical questionnaires. I used to find it ridiculous as no one ever tells you where the benchmark is. Mine is, surprise, surprise, two.

My decision to live in a community of open-minded people, swingers, polyamorists and hedonists, unfortunately, doesn’t get on well with my puritan immune system that would love me being asexual ideally. Because every time I do something slightly out of the line of an extremely cautious, fully protected sex with my husband, it strikes back hard. Making me suffer from various different infections that can be absolutely prevented only by going into celibacy, as it seems.

Before I found my way with it, learning about all the necessary precautions and dealing with the annoying implications, the three of us had been going mad in a vicious circle of the lightest and least serious ones, yet still very much real sexually transmitted diseases.

Getting turned on at last? I bet you are rock-hard now. I hope, you sucker, can finally understand the exciting three-way reality I am living in. I suggest you celebrate the fact you have no reason to begrudge me on Pornhub.com, jerking off to another illusorily superb threesome.