I Watched My Phone Die Right In Front Of Me
By: Zain Geddes
Tags: iPhone, Life, Grief, Mindfulness

I am lost without you. Tales of a recovering phone addict

There are moments when it all changes. From blissful joy to utter despair. The sound of music. Feeling her in my hand my fingers running up and down her slender body. We had gone to the gym. I was in my element and feeling pumped, feeling strong. It was such a great way to be winding down from the day. I smashed out my routine and was dancing whilst I was doing it. The two of us were in sync. She was keeping track of my progress and in between I would go through checking my WhatsApp, emails, Facebook and the internet on repeat. Every 60 seconds or so. It felt good.

It all seemed to change so quickly. I knew it was too good to last. I decided to do an extra session, not part of my program. Even now just thinking about it, I knew this was wrong. How could I have been so careless. I was enjoying myself too much. A few seconds before there was life, literally seconds. She fell! It was the end of my reps and I released the dumbbells to the floor…the exact moment she fell. Later I found out this is blunt force trauma. Like being hit by a truck. One second life, the next lights out.

There was a slit of blue light, like the crack in the curtains at night just letting in a sliver of moon light. It pulsed down the screen. Then lights out. I had lost her. She was gone.

I replayed the last few seconds in my mind. So much joy and aliveness mere moments ago. The music, the conversations, they were all so excited and full of life. I had checked my emails and my messages. So many times in such a brief time the thrill of expectation. Even though nothing changed between the time I looked and the time I looked 6 seconds before. The possibilities were endless.

When I got home, having ran home to the dreary sound of silence except my crying heart, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I just sat, looking at this lifeless object. All my memories and history were now gone. I felt so alone.

I tried to bring her back to life several times but nothing. I couldn’t sleep my mind was replaying it over and over. How could this be. What if I had be more careful. What if I hadn’t done an extra set. What if, what if. I was physically shaking, the withdrawal was setting in. There was nothing I could do, no messages to check relentlessly. No music to soothe me to sleep. How could I go to work? Was I going to have to commute in silence? I couldn’t bare the thought of having to look at people or hear the sound of my own thoughts. Tears were forming in my eyes. Is there morphine or something to take away the pain. I could feel the cortisol coursing through my blood.

The next morning. The sound of life! My alarm was ringing the joyous sound (says no-one) of it’s time to leave the world of slumber and head out into the world. I picked her up, sure enough she was singing. Except it was nothing more than an echo. The sound was playing but there was no life, no lights, no nothing. I couldn’t even stop the music. It was a cruel continuous echo from the other side. Giving me false hope. The echo of a time (a few hours ago) when life was good.

With my last glimmer of hope I took her cradled in my arms (in my pocket) to the hospital (iPhone repair shop). The nurse (repair woman) immediately went to work, I was cruelly not allowed to be in the emergency room (repair room) and had to wait anxiously for 45 minutes in the waiting room (coffee shop). It felt like days not knowing what was going to happen.

It hit me like a tonne of bricks, the nurse (repair woman) came over and removing her surgical mask (covid mask) she gave me the worst news.. “I’m sorry customer no.23 there is nothing we can do”. My heart sank even further. She said there is a chance it can be saved by taking it to the Golden Apple Palace…er Apple Store. I would need to get on the waiting list and there is only a small chance.

6 days. That is how long I have to wait. 6 joyless days without knowing what is happening in the world. Or listening to an Ed Sheeran song. Is up now down and vice verse. I begin to tear up again. Is this death? I’m in a daze. I feel like a zombie. How on earth am I supposed to fill these days, 18 hours! Someone suggested I do a crossword. I wished I was dead, I felt sick.

My friend said “What is important is in your heart and your memory”

I will remember the good times. I’m only on day 2.