5 Ways to Strengthen Your Long-Distance Relationship
By: Javier Ortega-Araiza
Tags: Spiritual Growth, Long Distance Love, Life Lessons, Relationships, Love

If you decide that it is worth it, commit.

I used to have a phobia against commitment. I avoided and pushed back anything that had the slightest chance of taking over my life, primarily as I value and have valued my freedom more than anything else. It is the product of being raised with an overbearing excess of attention.

Dr Harville Hendrix and Dr Helen Hunt, in Getting the Love You Want, explain it very well: Somebody can become an “isolater”, a person who unconsciously pushes other people away. “Isolaters” keep people at a distance because they need to have a lot of space, because they want the freedom to come and go as they please, they don’t want to be pinned down. This, according to Hendrix and Hunt, happens because our inner drive for autonomy is denied as we are growing up.

As a result, I found it extremely easy to run away, and therefore, as much as I enjoyed them, my relationships wouldn’t last. They would crumble to pieces at the first sign of conflict or difficulty. This, until I chose to not be scared. I finally chose to commit, and in choosing commitment, I found how this can also mean freedom.

From Mark Manson, in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: Commitment gives you freedom because you’re no longer distracted by the unimportant and frivolous. Commitment gives you freedom because it hones your attention and focus, directing them toward what is most efficient at making you healthy and happy. Commitment makes decision-making easier and removes any fear of missing out; knowing that what you already have is good enough, why would you ever stress about chasing more, more, more again?

Now, we no longer run away. If there is a problem, we solve it. If there is a difference of opinion, or an issue that bothers one of us, we talk about it. And whenever there is the thinnest glimmer of doubt, I am prompt to reassure: We are on this road together.

This reassurance immediately dispels any suspicion that might arise in either one of us — that the other might be leaving all of a sudden.

Commitment, of course, can be scary. It requires us to be vulnerable. It locks our escape routes that would otherwise make leaving all of a sudden possible.

From Paul Auster, in The Invention of Solitude:

For a man who finds life tolerable only by staying on the surface of himself, it is natural to be satisfied with offering no more than his surface to others. There are few demands to be met, and no commitment is required. Marriage, on the other hand, closes the door. Your existence is confined to a narrow space in which you are constantly forced to reveal yourself — and therefore, constantly obliged to look into yourself, to examine your own depths.

A spiritual partnership is the same — without the legal contract — or even deeper. It requires us both to do the work, and to share it with the other, which, initially can be very uncomfortable. But it can also be beautiful.

As with our phrase — We’re on this road together — there are many steps that can be taken to remind each person of the unwavering commitment that we have. It requires awareness — whenever one is falling to doubt, or to fear, the other person can help lift each other up. There will be temptations, and moments when we’ll ponder giving up. But these seemingly small details can have a huge impact as reminders of why it is important that we don’t jump ship.