I’m Still Not Fine, Thanks For Asking
By: Rachel Drane
Tags: Depression, Health, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Covid 19

The pandemic has now lasted for over 9 months.

Nine months.

Mask-wearing. Social distancing. Quarantining. Fears of unknown and of known. Anxiety every time you cough or sneeze. Is it a cold? Allergies? Is my breath more labored than normal? Is it just anxiety about this deadly virus we know very little about? Or is it, in fact, COVID?

It might feel like it’s been longer. It also might feel like it all began yesterday. Maybe it feels like both at once.

But it has, in fact, been 9 months of living through a reality ripped out of a Suzanne Collins novel.

And it’s not going anywhere any time soon. Over 2,800 people died in the US on one single day last week. A record. And just recently there have been warnings of a “surge upon a surge.”

Pandemic fatigue is real

[P]erhaps the worst thing about living through a pandemic is that we’re supposed to act normal, do our work, do our lives, all with the crushing backdrop of death. — Vogue

Living with something as unsettling as COVID-19 takes its toll. And while 13.4 million Americans have experienced the virus’s direct effects, every single one of us is suffering from the indirect. And one real indirect consequence is the cost of living a global health emergency.

The first and most obvious sign of this was the physical fatigue that came soon after we were being encouraged to take precautions to prevent the spread. People losing sleep. People, like nurses, who were required to work longer and harder hours. The lethargy of being cooped up in the house all the time, of possibly having to handle childcare and schooling on top of everything else.

Not long after, people started to recognize they were being taxed in other ways. Zoom Fatigue. Don’t get me wrong; we’re lucky to have the technology. But between attending meetings during the day, catching up with family in the afternoon, and then socializing in the evening, it was almost constant. And people quickly got over it.

And then came pandemic fatigue, which is where I think we find ourselves now.

The novelty of the situation has worn off. We’re familiar with this new normal. We’ve conditioned ourselves to make sure we have our mask as well as our PKW (phone, keys, wallet).

Life has continued. We’ve been through hardships during this time and have been doing our very best to do what we need. To keep up with the ever-changing health guidelines. Which type of mask is best? Should I really be washing my groceries? How many people can I be around? Should I be traveling right now?

We feel like we’ve put in the time being careful and cautious, and we want some semblance of our previous lives back. We might even, on some level, start to think “Well, it’s been nine months, and I haven’t gotten sick” possibly undermining the danger that continues to surround us all.

We’ve been through all of this and yet it feels like little has changed. It feels pointless.

Why are we doing any of this again?

This futility is growing. And I feel like it’s only going to intensify as we get into the darker and colder months. It’ll be more difficult to gather outdoors and safely. We’re going to have to live through a holiday season — usually a welcomed reprieve during these harsher months — that might be more of a reminder of all you’ve given up and can’t have.

The truth is we’re not all in anymore. Not like we were back in March or April. We’re no longer hashtagging #allinthistogether. We’re no longer scared. Instead, we’re more #overit.

But at the very moment when we can’t afford to be.

It has been made okayer to not be okay.

What’s beyond true is that we are, in fact, all still going through this together. We’re all having to face it at the same time. While, sure, mentalities might differ greatly on how to best make it through, we’re all facing it. (Just… hopefully from behind a mask.)

We all know it’s a tough time. Everyone, everywhere. No one is flourishing. (No real human, I guess.) And because of that, this time has, for the majority of us, normalized struggle. It has made it okayer to not be okay.

Which is something we’ve sorely needed for a while now. And while I could have done without the whole pandemic thing, I’m relieved to see it happening.

We’re all not okay sometimes

Pandemic or no, we all go through our own shit. But it’s still been a social faux pas to respond to “how are you?” with anything below “fine”.

This stigma around vulnerability, around being perceived as one who struggles, has done us all a great disservice.

For one, it doesn’t allow you to be seen. Which leads to feeling alone. Which can lead to thinking our pain must be unjustified. Other people have it so much worse than I do, so why should I be complaining?!

For another, it does nothing for us in getting whatever help we need, whether that’s someone to walk your dog or professional mental health services.

However, with the pandemic blanketing our lives, it’s almost like we’ve been given this pass to not be “fine”. Even if our answer to “How are you” starts with “fine” it often devolves into “… well, considering everything. As well as I could be. But I’ve really been having trouble with…” We all get it.

And with this permission, a veil has been lifted. We’re allowing ourselves to be seen and giving space for others to do the same.

A recent survey shows that roughly 35-40% of Americans are regularly experiencing symptoms of anxiety and depression. That’s up 10–15% from the typical baseline closer to 25%, claims Psychologist Justin Ross.

However, just as this pandemic way of life will be, I’m afraid this change is temporary. I’m afraid that when there is no global crisis significantly impacting our lives we’ll all go back to thinking it’s not okay to not be okay. I’m afraid we’ll forget.

Mental health fatigue

Soon after health precautions around COVID began circulating, people understood that mental health was going to be an important consideration during this time. Memes, Instagram posts, and online services were popping up everywhere hoping to help people get through what was certainly going to be a trying time.

Because even when the pandemic has receded into the depths of our memories, it will still be okay to not be okay. And hopefully you’ll see that it always has been.

However, this has been slowing down a bit. We’ve settled into this new normal, and it’s like we’re slowly starting to remember what before was like. How you would keep your struggles to yourself. How you would push through. How you used to say “Fine.” with a period rather than an ellipsis. Maybe you think these past nine months of you being forthright and honest about your feelings and concerns have all been overly self-indulgent, and you should just be over it by now.

However, it’s still okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be going through it. It’s okay to be struggling. Especially because of the global pandemic. Especially because of this surge of cases. We are still unsure of what the future holds, of what the answer is, and of when a vaccine will be widely available. And we must continue to make sacrifices and experience loss on a daily basis.

It’s okay for things to feel futile. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.

It’s also okay to not be okay outside the context of a global crisis.

Because even when the pandemic has receded into the depths of our memories, it will still be okay to not be okay. And hopefully, you’ll see that it always has been.

One of the biggest lessons from my decade of battling depression is that sharing your experiences will always lighten the load. Not only will it enable you to receive necessary help but it will also facilitate you to just feel it. Because, in the end, that’s all emotions demand from us: to be felt.

Giving what you’re feeling and experiencing space to be seen is one of the most healing practices someone can adopt. And we’re going to need it over these next nine months. We’re going to need to heal. And we’re only going to be able to really heal if we are open with each other about our experiences and our struggles.

You don’t need a global pandemic to struggle. Hopefully, we can all acknowledge that there is enough challenge to live without one. And as terrible and tragic as this has all been, I’m grateful we’ve been given a chance to remember that it’s okay to not be okay.

If you are sick and tired of worrying about COVID-19, you’re probably suffering from pandemic fatigue, and you are not alone.