SQUEEZEY BALLS
By: Jerry Alper
Tags: Comedian, Evolution, Comedy, Funny, Science

SQUEEZEY BALLS

As 2020 winds down there have been some memorable endings; the fall of the mad king; first seismic cracks in Trumpism and the eerie imploding of the wall that never existed.

On a lesser note, here’s a last gasp from Will, our resident comedian who has vowed to pack it on if he doesn’t garner a single laugh from his latest surreal standup of American consumer lunacy:

ARE YOU TIRED OF PEOPLE MAKING FUN OF YOUR EFFEMINATE CHOKEHOLDS? GET SQUEEZEY BALLS

In just three weeks time people will fear and revere your pulverizing new grip or your money back (in less than a year).

Knowing you have the strength to snap off a finger of anyone you don’t like or who doesn’t laugh at your jokes can (as easily as if it were a pretzel) be both healing and spiritually empowering.

So don’t be alarmed if — after enthusiastically shaking the hand of a seemingly delightful new acquaintance — you notice (to your horror) there’s an additional finger in your palm. Just carefully place the additional finger in a handkerchief while explaining to your startled friend, not to worry, that there’s a comfortable seven hour window, in which a trained hand surgeon can easily reattach a badly disfigured finger. Of much greater concern, so far as side effects go, is a certain scaly, pulpy growth that can appear between the fingers. The cause of this, as recently determined by evolutionary biochemists is the presence of the growth hormone thalidomide (as in thalidomide baby) ricola (as in the cough drop jingle). If unchecked, patients on rare occasions can experience webbing or web-like structures beginning to appear. In which case, immediately stop using Squeezey Ball and call the nearest geneticist. If you can’t find one, go to the local chapter of FFA (Froggy Fingers Anonymous).

Photo by GERONIMO SERRANO on Unsplash

Important information: Squeezey Balls, each of which weigh about twelve pounds, are not meant to be casually thrown around. A Squeezey Ball, misfired, can crush a human skull (in some unfortunate cases they can become embedded requiring surgical removal).

Squeezey balls are soft and fuzzy on the outside. They are sometimes taken to be human and respond to both sexes or even be metrosexual. They seem equally responsive to both men and women. If you notice you are beginning to caress rather than squeeze them you may be becoming addicted to them. If so, seek therapy. If you feel the squeezey ball is becoming too empathic to your feelings, you are delusional. If you receive a registered letter from a feminist attorney representing a squeezey ball client accusing you of making unwanted sexual advances, you are not delusional. Increasingly so, squeezey ball technology has been coopted by the booming Japanese sex toys industry. Remember, squeezey balls no matter how cuddly, how sexy they feel, have no feelings; they have no emotions; they have no consciousness; they have no desires; they have no way of communicating. On the other hand if you begin to have feelings for your therapist, tell your therapist. If she reveals she has similar feelings for you, make a decision. Either get married or quit therapy. If you get married and the problem continues, get an annulment. If she blocks your way as you attempt to leave — saying “I’m a strict Freudian, you’re not going anywhere buster without first paying me for missed sessions” — introduce her to your new and improved squeezey ball chokehold.

SIDE EFFECTS: Squeezey balls (as mentioned) are highly addictive. Overuse can cause a peculiar thickening and sometimes scaliness of the fingers. In certain cases there are warning signs that should not be ignored. If well — meaning friends begin to report: you have begun to inexplicably start hopping around your apartment; have sometimes fallen asleep while still underwater; increasingly seem to be learning, or inventing a compensatory method of breathing underwater; if someone in the middle of a swinging party starts screaming he’s missing a finger, just say “I guess I don’t know my own strength. What can I do to make things right?”

Squeezey balls although fuzzy on the outside have a stainless steel core, which may explain why there was an initial opening price of 100 a ball and why it took 3 years to make the first sale. Happily, since prices have been slashed to a more consumer friendly 2.36 a ball, sales have soared.

(Bonus offer: For those of you who visit us at our new store of the art: Central Squeezey Ball Plant in Puerto Rico — will receive, if they’re so inclined — a complimentary hand job. Remember, these side effects although understandably disturbing at first, rarely last for more than a few hours. If a petition should circulated in your office demanding ‘proof that your DNA is recognizably fully human’, just take it (65% of people pass it). If your office manager gets wind of this ‘petition’ and wants to see a copy before allowing you back in the office, take it.

According to evolutionary biologists who have carefully studied the nation, the problem is rooted in the chromosomal affinity between animals sharing the dangerous molecule; as in thalidomide ricola (the cough drop jingle). This is the explanation for the “inexplicable sensation suggesting they may be metamorphosing to another species”. Psychologists agree the initial symptoms of morphogenesis can be terrifying. There can be no greater loss of control of one’s self than a sense that no longer is in change of, or can make sense of one’s core self.

The values and beliefs the have anchored our basic understanding of the world we live in seem to be unraveling and proves that has been going on for centuries is coming to a head. If it’s not too late, it’s time we came to terms with it.

Gerald Alper

Author

Portrait of the Artist as a Young Patient Psychodynamic Studies of the Creative Personality His latest book is

God and Therapy

What We Believe

When No One Is Watching

*This just in: Will’s latest joke:

How can you tell when your golden retriever who is leading a seemingly perfect dog’s life is planning to commit suicide?

When it’s eyes well up whenever Turner’s movie classics replay Lassie Comes Home.