Why I Still Write About My Ex-Husband
By: Michelle Brown
Tags: Life Lessons, Abuse, Domestic Violence, Relationships, Divorce

Why I Still Write About My Ex-Husband

The lessons still remain.

I didn’t make the right choice.

It was like a scene from a horror movie when my ex-husband attempted to choke me.

I was a viewer from above, a floating spectator on the ceiling looking down at the moment. I will always remember it. The ferocious and fast nature of the attack. The cold bathroom wall as my head was struck against it. His thick hands around my throat. The quietness of it all. The still silence of the night my life could have ended.

And then it was over. Just as quickly as the attack had begun — it ended.

Perhaps common sense had taken over his mind just in time. He simply let go and walked away. I shrank to the bathroom floor, stunned. I don’t remember if I cried. I just know that this entire memory is always tinted in blue. I’m not sure why. It just is.

Maybe because this was one of those life moments burned into the brain when the decision you should have made is crystal clear. The choice that should have been made remains alarmingly poignant.

But I didn’t do anything. I didn’t make the right choice. I decided to live in denial a while longer.

And a while longer after that.

6 months after my ex-husband tried to choke me I married him. Difficult to swallow that fact now. I finally left him 3 years after that. I’ve written a fair amount about the marriage, the abuse, and the divorce.

But why?

Why am I still writing about a relationship that’s long since dead? Why do I linger in those dark memories when my life is so much better now?

The answer to that is because even though that life is over, the lessons still remain. As I get older, I can see those mistakes and the subsequent lessons with stunning clarity. And I need to share. I need to share my experiences because I know there are other young (and old) women out there who may be stuck in a similar situation and continually make decisions that don’t benefit their wellbeing.

I almost lost my life. My life was threatened more than once. I was locked outside of the house like a dog one night and not let back in until morning. I was screamed at on several occasions in front of strangers who did nothing to help me — but even if they had I probably would have gone straight back to my abuser.

So, I understand the shame, the confusion, and the fear. I will never let myself forget. If I forget it, I may not be able to recognize when it’s happening to a stranger on the street, a friend — or even to my own daughter.

It only takes moments of someone’s hands wrapped firmly around your neck in a small bathroom with no one there to help you in order for your life to end. Just like that. I was undoubtedly ignorant of the imminent danger at that time — and in denial as well.

As are so many others. Others who make excuses for their abusers, who love their abusers, and for whatever reasons feel they cannot get away from their abusers.

My experience of almost being choked to death is as fresh in my mind today as the night it happened 20 years ago.

I had no cell phone at that time, no text messaging, no extra forms of emergency communication. I only had myself — and obviously, my choices were questionable.

This is why I write about it. To remind me of what I barely escaped if only by pure luck and also to educate others about how easy it is to get into this pattern, this cycle, and the ability to find ways to justify it.

It doesn’t matter how smart you are or where you come from — abusers don’t discriminate.

Abuse can happen to any woman — at any age — at any intelligence level — at any income level. The most important thing I have learned is not to isolate yourself. Talk to your friends. Have a plan. And if you still love your abuser — that’s OK. But the abuse is not.

This is why I still write about my ex-husband. Though I may have left him a long time ago those lessons still remain. And I’m grateful to be alive today to pass on those lessons to even just one person who is reading this.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1–800–799-SAFE

More from Michelle: How My Divorce Changed My Opinion on Marriage — For Better & For Worse