Dear Joan & Jericha: a VERY revealing conversation about their podcasting journey
By: Acast, For The Stories.
Tags: Podcasting, Satire, Comedy, Podcast, Parody

Jack: Hello. How was your Christmas and New Year?

Jericha: Well, very busy in my household thank you, Jack. My daughter Cardinal is one of these very sociable lesbians and, rather like Lawrence Fox, doesn’t abide by these nonsense-y lockdown rules, so we had hordes of hungry gay gals over on Christmas day and I said yes, alright, they could eat, but outside only please in my garden. So I put on a buffet and there they all were clamouring around my bush area, eager to tuck into my sticky Pigladeer.

Joan: Oh, it’s so moreish! It’s the deer stuffed with the little pig, and the lamb.

Jericha: And inside that a rabbit, and a small domestic cat, and inside the little pussy is Joan’s secret treat: spiced spiders.

Joan: Yum! And I always hang spare ones off the tree so that the kiddies don’t balloon with the chocs.

Jericha: And they’re very fibrous, so they work around the guts.

Joan: Yes, and a lot of these spiders will carry eggs inside them and start breeding in your tum, and then travel through your intestines and clear things out which is a boon for these tubby, constipated lady-children who are otherwise en route to life as a greedy spinster.

Jericha: And you were holed up with Leo DiCaprio on his boat for the latter half of the Christmas period, Joan, weren’t you?

Joan: Indeed..sultry times.

Jericha : And we had our own private vaccines from Mahmoud, so we could party as much as we liked.

Joan: Mahmoud has close allies in both China and Russia. It’s top secret, but they’ve got it all sorted.

Jericha : Yes. Just one small jab. It’s basically made of pig’s blood, isn’t it Joan — just shoot that straight into the artery and you’re good to go.

Joan: I’m very scared of needles unfortunately…I don’t mind things coming at me that are big and pointy, but small, thin and pointy? No, thank you!

Jericha: She’s got quite a phobia, haven’t you, Joan?

Joan: Yes, so with me, Mahmoud just squeezed a creme into my mouth in the end, a sort of vaccine crème. Like a crème egg.

Jericha: Same principle as the polio sugar cube. But I like needles personally, always been a big fan.

Joan: It’s been a fetish for you really, hasn’t it?

Jericha: Yes, any size really will do me. I do my own jabs when I go on holiday, though of course I love Mahmoud jabbing me repeatedly, that goes without saying.

Joan: And I know you like that element of surprise, don’t you? A surprise prick coming your way is always something you’ve enjoyed.

Jericha: Oh, I’ve always loved an unexpected prick, Joan. Whatever the size.

Jack: When you’re describing your podcast to someone for the first time, what do you tell them it’s about?

Joan: Well, it’s about two ladies, two very clever, big-hearted, highly trained ladies, with more letters after their names than the alphabet, answering questions from very troubled, depressing people.

Jericha: Yes, often very boring problems aren’t they, Joan? Though we do try to select the more interesting, snazzy ones to offer help to.

Jack: Tell me about Season Three. I know there are some surprises in there — episode seven, for example, is a bit different?

Jericha: Oh, yes. Joan has written this wonderful, very romantic, spicy novella — Lust and Lies at Glanmore Manor — which we kindly performed for our dear listeners.

Joan: We wanted to spice up people’s sex lives around this dreary time by giving them the opportunity to re-enact scenes from the novella, if they care to listen to it, assuming they have access to a large horse or a stately home.

Jericha: And to gift them the pleasure of our stunning acting. I went to drama school, as many people will know. I mean, they didn’t know I was going, I just turned up. So I went to The RADA, just arrived and passed myself off as a student by donning a large cape and hat, and was able to benefit, as you can probably tell from my wonderful voice work.

Joan: You were very similar to Jason Statham in just turning up for drama school uninvited, weren’t you?

Jericha: Well, Jason got the idea from me, Joan, and look where it got him. Goodness. I mean those wonderful, wonderful films.

Joan: The Meg.

Jericha: Oh, The Meg.

Joan: About the big sharks — and Jason did such lovely work in that movie with his fingers.

Jericha: Indeed. A lot of tremendous pointing — Jason’s very much known for his finger work, of course.

Joan: I’m sure his wife, Rosie, who makes the luxury Autograph range of pants in Marks and Spencer, I’m sure she enjoys Jason’s finger work very much.

Jericha: Lucky lady.

Jack: Any other favourites from Season Three that we should be looking out for?

Jericha: Well, episode six, our Christmas episode, has a wonderful confluence of tragic problems and a fun recipe.

Joan: Truth be told, ALL the episodes are favourites. You’ve got the Alan Buxton one — a lovely wee lad who’s just starting out despite his age. He chatted away to us about our wonderful book ‘Why He Turns Away’.

Jericha: Yes, that was episode four, but look, everyone’s a winner, baby. It’s a marvellous pick and mix.

Joan: Yes, so do have a rummage and try them all.

Jericha: It’s award-winning, Jack. What’s not to love?

Jack: Talking more generally about podcasting, what’s your favorite thing about being a podcaster — or, more precisely, being an agony aunt?

Jericha: Well, look, Joan and I’ve made no secret of it. We’re both healers. Luckily, we don’t fit the tradition of the clumpy-earringed hag-in-a-booth, but we’re both very keen to pass on our God-given gifts.

Joan: We both have a sixth sense. We’re intuits, clairvoyants — much like Russell Grant, but thinner.

Jericha: More Russell Brand.

Jack: And how do you juggle all of those commitments then with family work and charity work?

Jericha: Well, it’s not work Jack, my love. Family is duty. So I carry the burden of Cardinal and fund all the charity work my husband Phillip does beavering away with the scouts in Thailand, by reaching into my, alright, very deep and bulging purse — and sending him money for all their loin cloths and odd infections.

Joan: I still manage to Skype my children every other month, Jack. And my husband Ralph, as everybody knows, has been in and out of this coma like a bridegroom’s penis. But I soldier on. I don’t see it as juggling. Although I can juggle, should the need arise.

Jericha: Yes, Joan can actually juggle five burning batons.

Joan: Which I did for Leo DiCaprio actually over the Christmas period, holed up on his yacht. Sadly, one caught his hair, so poor Leo’s got a wee burnt baldy patch that you’ll probably see in his forthcoming films. But, considering what he went through in The Revenant with that randy bear…

Jericha: He enjoys all that I think, doesn’t he, Joan?

Joan: He does, he’s like Tom Cruise with the stunts, they want to hurt themselves really.

Jericha: Indeed, like in Sleepless in Seattle.

Joan: Was Tom Cruise in that?

Jericha: Yes. I think so. Sorry, who are we talking about, Joan? I’ve lost track.

Joan: I don’t know but I think what you’re saying is that Tom Cruise played Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle with Meg Ryan.

Jericha: That’s correct. Thank you, Joan.

Joan: Thank you.

Jack: What’s your relationship like with your listeners? Obviously they write in every week, but do you talk to them apart from that? Do you do anything else to communicate with them?

Jericha: We can’t, Jack. They’re very troubled folk, and some are psychotic, as I’m sure is clear. So we get sent all sorts of bits and bobs that they’ve cut off themselves. And at one point somebody got Joan’s personal phone number and she had a mix of some wonderfully arousing and some very challenging phone calls. So she had to give the phone to her cleaner in the end.

Joan: People send us huge amounts of pubic hair and old bogies. Crusty pants and used condoms and a lot of ghastly things that they think we’re going to like. And alright, yes, we do keep them — but only because we’ve got a laboratory where we put all those things in boxes, just in case we need them as evidence, as we’re so friendly with all the bobbies around the country. And we want to make sure, should anything happen, that we can locate these people and get them arrested. We’ve sent a lot of people to prison, actually.

Jericha: Yes, put a lot of people inside, which is a matter of pride for us. We believe in punishment where it’s due, and if need be the death penalty.

Joan: Well, we’re trying to bring that back in England, aren’t we?

Jericha: Yes, fingers crossed.

Jack: Other than Dear Joan and Jericha, of course, do you listen to any other podcasts?

Joan: No.

Jack: What’s your favourite thing about working with Acast?

Jericha: Who are Acast? We don’t know, I’m afraid.

Joan: The fact is, Jack, all sorts of people do all sorts of things for us, so we don’t really know what you mean, but probably there are very attractive, sexy people at Acast. That’s one of our first requirements when connecting with anybody — apart from all our ghastly, grim-faced letter writers.

Jack: And, finally, what are you looking forward to most in 2021? What’s next for Joan and Jericha?

Jericha: Well, we’re looking forward to a very happy and increasingly prosperous and successful New Year.

Joan: For the two of us.

Jericha: And to continuing to heal and spread love and good wishes to all.

Joan: And to get to know more celebrities, have more holidays and hopefully get that private island we’ve been trying to wrangle off Bear Grylls. And possibly to get a bit of acting work, because when I was away with Leo DiCaprio, we were bashing around some film script ideas for Jericha and myself and Leo. A saucy rom-com giving Leo a chance to show his lighter side.

Jericha: Absolutely, and I’ve asked for some very dramatic scenes. I think I’m underrated as a very dramatic actress, so I’ve asked for plenty of crying and shouting to be included in my part.

Joan: I wanted to ask you Jericha, how you’re going to do that, because as we both know, you’ve never cried before in your life. How will you get the tears? Is that something Mahmoud could help with?

Jericha: Well, yes, he’s going to do a little op, Joan, to insert a tear-duct-producing unit behind one of my eyes. He can only do the one or you risk blindness. So it will have to be filmed from, well, if it’s the right eye crying, it’ll be shot from the right-hand side. But I think there’s nothing more wonderful than seeing an actress weeping throughout a scene, even if you can’t hear what she’s saying.

Joan: Yes, and actually I don’t think you need to worry about the one-eyed crying, because some actresses pride themselves on producing just a single tear.

Jericha: That’s true.

Joan: That’s an Academy Award, right there.

Jericha: We’ll have to play with it a bit — the tear-flow machine is apparently quite hard to control, though I will have a little squeezy button in my trouser pocket to activate it.

Joan: Well, I think have Mahmoud on set and he could do a remote control thingy for you and simply press buttons whenever he feels you should be crying.

Jericha: That’s a great idea, Joan. He’s a very sensitive man so hopefully he wouldn’t over-use it.

Joan: He’s very intuitive. He had one that controlled my front bottom a few years back when I was getting that recurring cystitis. And he would whack up the vibrations if he thought I was getting an attack and that was absolutely wonderful, browsing around Waitrose with a buzzy below.

Jericha: Wonderful. But yes, Joan and I are very much moving towards film, Jack — much like the Obamas, and indeed the Duchess of…Duke and Duchess of, ermm…

Joan: Of Harry and Meghan.

Jericha: Yes, them. It’s what everybody’s doing now. And why not? Goodness me, it’s where the money is.

Joan: We’re also looking forward to having our own sort of Oprah-type show.

Jericha: Indeed. What’s not to love? Watch this space!

Jack: Well, thank you so much for your time, ladies.

Joan: You are very welcome. Blessings all around.

Jericha: Yes, indeed. And to everyone at Acorn.

Jack: Acast.

Joan: That’s what she said.