I Didn’t “Learn Any Lessons” From 2020.
By: Lisa Martens
Tags: Humor, Content, Social Media, Covid 19, 2020

I Didn’t “Learn Any Lessons” From 2020.

Ugh. Stop. Photo by James Lee on Unsplash

Now as we’re wrapping up the year, content creators are trying to get me to feel hopeful and feel good. I mean, I am a content creator who also likes to try to help others feel hopeful and feel good. I understand.

That’s what we do at the end of the year.

Slap a bow on it, divulge some lessons learned.

Before 2020, I already thought Jeff Bezos was greedy. I already knew people panic-filled their SUVs with weird shit during an emergency. I already knew people would love a meth-tiger-fueled gay zookeeper with a gun (okay, I didn’t know that one for sure, but it didn’t surprise me). I knew America was racist and would let its most vulnerable simply die.

But just…for one second, please stop trying to make me feel a way about 2020.

I don’t want to feel hopeful right now. I will, soon, sure. But right now I want someone to tell me it’s okay not to decorate my house. I want someone to tell me it’s okay if I fold my clothes tomorrow. I want someone to tell me it’s okay to take a break from the news. I want someone to tell me, “yeah, well, capitalism sucks” and shrug instead of acting all shocked Pikachu face at the corporate greed and government incompetence we have seen.

I want people to stop…feigning surprise. Because that’s what it feels like to me.

I want permission to feel…just a bit of nothing. Not a medicated or alcohol-fueled numbness, but a “I have nothing to do today, and I’m not going to fill it with something meaningless” vibe.

I want a bit of emotionless. I want to stare up at my ceiling and think “What the fuck.” I don’t even want to be angry. I just want to process. I don’t want to feel rage or holiday cheer. I don’t want to try to save the world right now. I want to play Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb” and just have people stop telling me how to feel.

I want to stop trying to think of jokes and helpful tidbits of advice for just a bit, until I feel 100% like that’s what I want to do. I want to eat some cheese and drink a soda and then do yoga, and not feel like I’ve somehow not committed to health by drinking the soda, and not committed to self-destruction by doing the yoga.

I don’t want to have to commit to an extreme emotion, or extreme self-destruction or extreme self-care right now. I want to eat just regular vegetables that are probably not organic, and then drink some chocolate milk, and then watch some predictable television while stretching.

I don’t want to pretend to be surprised at people’s panic, greed, or denial. I just want other people to shrug with right now.

In 2021, we’re going to have to start rebuilding the world. So, for right now, just leave me be.

I didn’t learn any lessons in 2020, and I am totally okay with that—Because not everything has to be productive. Not everything has to mean something. Some things just are. 2020 was a year where we struggled, saw death, and experienced poverty, desperation, and greed. And now, I just want…a hot bath with my phone off.

I will take the clay of my mental state and begin to mold and frame a narrative soon enough. That’s what human brains do. But I’m tired.

So I’m going to watch reruns of a show that’s been canceled for almost 20 years and not feel guilted into feeling a way about anything for at least one week.

I’m not baking anything. I don’t have a Christmas tree. My greatest accomplishment is that I washed my sheets.

And I like that just fine.