Good, thought-provoking question.
By: Penny Ladnier
Tags: Feminism, Culture, Self, Body Positive, Self Improvement

Good, thought-provoking question. I’ve thought the same thing myself in regards to my fatness and my self-esteem. I used to wonder, am I fat because I have low self-esteem? or do I have low self-esteem because I’m fat? Both seem to feed each other.

If I’d never been fat, and had looked as normal as other family members, I might’ve felt more confident about my physical appearance, but I would’ve still grown up in the same dysfunctional family with the same family dynamics, and I would’ve likely been messed-up, but just in a different way, just like my sisters struggled with their own dysfunctional issues. If I’d come from a different family with more supportive, nurturing parents who were better-equipped to raise kids, I might’ve had higher self-esteem. Then maybe I would’ve valued myself more and taken better care of myself, and I wouldn’t likely have developed an unhealthy relationship with food.

I realized at one point that I’ve spent years and years with weight loss as my default life goal, and I’ve tried numerous different ways to accomplish that. Each time I would have a little success, sometimes more than other times, but it always proved to be slippery and unsustainable. I was never able to reach the goal of anywhere close to a “normal” weight and the happily-ever-after I thought not being fat anymore would bring. So I’ve basically spent years and years of my life being unable to enjoy or appreciate myself, and wishing I were in a different, better place. Or, more specifically, that my body was thinner and better, and thus I would be in a better place and have a better life.

But would I? Really? There are lots of people out there who aren’t fat, don’t have food issues, but struggle with all kinds of other things. Fat is a big problem with many ramifications, that affects all areas of life, but there are lots of other real problems out there too. Who’s to say that if fat wasn’t my problem that I wouldn’t have something else that was even worse?

Like you, being fat has shaped who I am. I mean from the very beginning, because I was always big. I was a big baby, then a big toddler, then a big school-age kid, always a head taller than other kids my age, and not really fat, but plump. I was an anomaly in my family. Nobody else was big like me. And as I got older, and stopped growing taller, I got fatter.

I don’t know what it’s like to be at a normal weight, because even when I was at a normal weight for a couple of brief periods of my younger life, I still felt big and fat. I’ve always felt that I was looked at and treated differently than people who were not big like I was. My thinking about myself has been shaped by feeling like I wasn’t as attractive or desirable or worthy as other people.

I’ve honestly tried to imagine what my life would be like right now if I were at an optimal weight for my height, and none of the obstacles I currently experience existed for me. What would I do? How would I live my life differently from day to day? It’s honestly hard to imagine.

I do hope there will come a time when people can just be accepted for who they are, regardless of their appearance, but the world at large doesn’t seem to be ready for that.