Jonny Come Lately
By: Tom Starita
Tags: Humor, Writing, Short Story, Fiction, Creativity

Ethyl Solon had the perfect name for rhymic clapping.

ETH*YL *SOL*ON

*CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP*

Alas, one only obtains the cheers from an adoring crowd if they are liked, and Ethyl Solon was not particularly liked — at all. Any equity she obtained from being 86 was flushed the moment she opened her mouth.

Ethyl lived alone on the second floor of a four-story walk-up — Apartment 2A, right next to the stairs. Living in a building without an elevator is a problem; living in a building with Ethyl meant strategically planning your arrival and departure to avoid encountering her on the steps. We’re all born with a certain amount of gifts; for Ethyl, she was bestowed the ability to find someone’s weak point. Within seconds of meeting someone, she could locate your vulnerability and announce it to you and anyone within earshot. This gift had caused many a folk to move out of the building and caused nothing but grief and aggravation for the building super — Mr. Aggradocio. There was nothing he could do, though — he was petrified of the old woman.

This leads us to the Saturday when Jon Sabbetti moved into apartment 3A, directly above Ethyl’s unit. Jon had just received a knockout punch from Life when he walked in on his fiancee engaged in coitus with his former best friend, Murphy Ryan. In the time it took realization to set in, Jon lost everything.

Not only did he lose Sally, his fiancee for the past year, girlfriend for the past six, but he also lost the apartment and the car they shared, which were both under her name due to a lousy credit score. Affliction shirts were his weak point back in the day, and who knew clothing store credit cards had such high APRs?

Not only did he lose Murphy Ryan, his best friend since second grade, but he also lost his bowling team, compromised of Murphy’s cousins. Sally often said Jonny loved his bowling team more than her, and now he had nothing.

There were tears, a punch thrown, and a week later, a final farewell conversation at their favorite diner, “Chicky’s Pot Pies,” famous for their pot pies. Before they could go their separate ways, Jonny needed to know what happened. What had driven his fiancee into the arms of his best friend? Sally danced around the issue and tried to keep the onus on her failings, but Jonny needed to know. What had he done? Or what hadn’t he done? She continued to evade and avoid until Jonny slammed the table, causing the surrounding ears listening in to swivel back to where they belonged. He demanded she tell him the truth! With tears in her eyes, she gave it to him,

“You’re a premature ejaculator Jonny. We never even had decent sex. I’m sorry.”

Jonny finished eating his Pork and Fried Rice Pie in silence before leaving the diner, never to see Sally or Murphy ever again. Jonny found his new apartment the next day, and now we’re all caught up.

Now, Jonny’s family lived halfway across the country, and it wasn’t like he could ask his best friend Murphy to help him move, so Jonny spent all of Saturday lugging boxes up and down three flights of stairs. There was a long-standing rule in the building that residents had to finish their move by noon, but Jonny figured he was okay. He was one man, by himself. They’d give him a pass.

At 1:14 pm, he was formally introduced to Ethyl Solon on his last trip up the flight of steps. He came up to the second-floor landing while Ethyl opened her front door to take her afternoon walk to the corner and back. That was the exercise regiment her doctor had prescribed to her before she pointed out the shitty toupee on his head. Conversely, that was the last time she saw that doctor.

Having a soft spot for old ladies and not knowing she was evil incarnate, Jonny waited on the landing, two boxes of fine china in hand — china he insisted on taking from Sally as severance — to let Ethyl pass and introduce himself.

“Good afternoon Ma’am. My name is Jonny, and I’m moving into 3A. If you ever need anything, please let me know.” Ethyl looked down at her watch and then back up from her slight hunchback position to address him.

“Look at you. Mr. Jonny Come Lately. Maybe next time, come on time!” Her words pierced directly into his heart, and the tears fell before he realized they had. All the strength had left his body, so when Ethyl Solon shuffled past Jonny, he dropped the boxes, causing her to trip and fall down the steps, breaking her neck.

Jonny was arrested, charged with manslaughter, and spent four years behind bars. As a thank you, Mr. Aggradocio made a deal with Chicky’s Pot Pies to send Jonny a pie every week during his stay.

They always arrived on time.