Avocado Toast Changed My Life
By: Rachael Ann Sand
Tags: Food, Health Foods, Humor, Foodies, Satire

I’m here to testify about a powerful lifespan extender, avocado toast. According to at least six novice food bloggers this magical food extends your life. Although they have no medical experience, their blogs are filled with professional-looking photographs of toast schmeared with green mush.

Toast and photo by author, Rachael Ann Sand

When I first started my eco conscious healthy wellness lifestyle blog, I was obsessed with avocado toast. In an effort to out-do those before me, I created and photographed countless pieces of avocado toast before I ate them.

On mornings when I met my gal pals for brunch I was only willing to eat at restaurants with avocado toast on the menu. I was dedicated to bringing my health obsessed readers the best of the best. I studied every food blog I could find to make sure mine was better.

Toast and photo by author, Rachael Ann Sand

Quite by accident, I discovered six of the blogs had a common theory about the life extending properties of avocado toast. I was already eating it four times a day so I decided to do my own experiment. Those other bloggers had no scientific credentials and I always do my own thorough research before publishing.

Toast and photo by author, Rachael Ann Sand

Since you are one of my loyal readers I’ll let you in on the details of the experiment. Okay, here is what happened. These are my actual, real life, personal results from my own tedious notes.

For two weeks I ate avocado toast for every meal — breakfast, second breakfast, lunch and dinner. Fourteen days of this magical food coursing through my veins truly changed me. You won’t believe what my results were!

Toast by Birchwood Cafe. Photo by Rachael Ann Sand

After the first forty-eight hours my toenails had grown so much they almost cut through my socks. My fingernails needed to be trimmed daily or they were too long to use my smartphone’s touchscreen. In just five days my wrinkles were completely gone and my hair had doubled in thickness.

Toast and photo by author, Rachael Ann Sand

Most impressive of all were the lifespan results you’ll want to replicate for yourself. Each day I felt so energized I woke up thirty seconds earlier than the day before. According to my calculations, if this energy level continues for the duration of my lifespan I’ll live at least six days longer than someone who doesn’t eat avocado toast for every meal.

Toast and photo by author, Rachael Ann Sand

Based on my experiment the more avocado toast you eat, the longer you will live. I also take approximately 6,543,210 steps per day and never consume refined sugar, bananas, cocaine, or coffee. But there is no need to follow in my footsteps to get the same results — just focus on the avocado toast.

You may have heard quinoa, wheatgrass, kale and pomegranate are superfoods. Forget about superfoods. I am certain avocado toast is the one true elixir of life. My scientific experiment proved definitively it is the key to longevity. I am so thrilled to be sharing this with you, my cherished readers and health food warriors.

Toast by Birchwood Cafe. Photo by Rachael Ann Sand

I hope you’ve enjoyed my food photography and learned valuable, irrefutable information. Don’t wait! Unlock your best health today simply by adding this one scrumptious food to your daily diet.

Toast and photo by author, Rachael Ann Sand

You won’t believe the difference avocado toast makes for you. To receive personalized, life changing tips make sure to subscribe to my hourly newsletter, “Insider tips! Put only the best foods inside yourself!” You can also share avocado toast ‘before and after’ selfies on my instagram page for a chance to be featured. Take care!