My Empty Womb
By: Pamela O'Leary
Tags: Empowerment, Egg Freezing, Reproductive Rights, Womens Rights, Fertility

It’s a Saturday afternoon and I’m sitting at Caffe Strada in Berkeley. This was my favorite coffee shop during college and continues to be a place I lovingly return to. Ironically, I am sitting right across from the table where I first really connected with my college sweetheart. Fifteen years later, I didn’t think I would happily be writing about my empty womb, but here we go! You never know where life will or won’t take you. Or rather, where you choose to take yourself.

Look at the photo above. What do you see? What don’t you see? Have you ever seen a photo like this before? Judge me. Bring it on!

This is a photo of my empty womb that I recently took as I started my egg freezing process. I got excited as I first saw it. And as any good millennial would, my first response was to snap a photo of it.

Thankfully, this was the first time I saw a sonogram of my womb, my uterus, whatever the f*ck we choose to call this sacred space. Until now, I have not had any unwanted pregnancies. Fortunately, I have not had any cancer in this area of my body. There was no major reason for me to see this part of me yet.

Usually, I’ve only seen people share photos of sonograms to announce they are pregnant and expecting a child. Sometimes, people who are really brave publicly post about their miscarriage. I invite you to bear witness to this image of my empty womb as a celebration of my reproductive choice.

I am super f*cking glad this womb has not yet been occupied by a future human being. I worked really hard for many years to prevent such pregnancy. I’ve tried hard to keep this sh*it real clean. This included doing hardcore HIV prophylaxis drugs after a rape. The emergency room version of Plan B has been my best friend. Thank God, I have successfully avoided STDs and unwanted children down there.

I recently turned 35 years old. Congratulations, according to patriarchal Western medicine, any pregnancy achieved from here on out would be deemed as “geriatric.” Oh, what a wonderful world.

I do not know if I want children, let alone biological children. I am so happy I have had 34 years of glorious freedom and adventure. For the past seven years, I have fought like hell to learn how to love myself. I have finally created a life I truly love. Thus far, kids have not made themselves into manifestation of my deepest desires.

I have been to 43 countries, many of which I traveled to solo. Thank God, and to proudly declare (because I have busted my sweet @ss), my income is in the 98 percentile when compared to my age and gender. Five years ago, I was struggling as a Lyft and Uber driver, while also tutoring to get by. Started from the bottom and now we’re here (Drake, 2013)!

As I write this, I have been sober from alcohol for 1 year, six months, 27 days, 2 hours, 19 minutes, and one second. Since I have only recently become fully responsible for myself, once again, thank God I have not yet had a child.

I am an aunt to many beloved children in my life. They are some of the greatest blessings in my life and I adore my friends and family who share them with me. At the same time, I am currently terrified about the amount of responsibility they entail. At this moment, no thanks!

I am single. Oh that’s such a loaded phrase. But let it mean that I am free. That I am independent. That I am flowing through the universe creating adventures and contribution.

I have some incredible girlfriends who are single moms. I respect them beyond words. Right now, I don’t think I want to go down that path.

I have thought of freezing my eggs for years, but it’s quite expensive. Once again, thank God, I now work at an amazing and generous company that is covering this significant expense.

I wanted to do this months ago, but was quite distracted by my father’s recent passing a few months ago. Now, things have settled and I am ready to take on this extensive and invasive medical and emotional process. Perhaps, this may also be a subconscious attempt at preserving a part of him.

Time is a ticking. The doctor’s office shared an excellent deck with sobering data about how these eggs are deteriorating rapidly. The time is now.

I am extremely privileged that this is my story. I am grateful. I am proud. I want to start a dialogue about reproductive choice and publicly celebrate egg freezing. I am probably going to have a ginormous party as a reinterpreted baby shower with tons of proceeds overflowing to Planned Parenthood.

Thank you for listening. Please stay tuned. This is just the beginning of an awesome new endeavor. I am scared, but I can do this. I have the world’s best support army standing by. Moreover, my vagina and empty womb are f*cking warriors.

Originally posted July 20, 2019