A Day in the Life of An Engaged Couple
By: Lilian Kimuya
Tags: Life Lessons, Relationships, Marriage, Love, Dating Advice

Please go back and see the five words before I inserted, in brackets *at least then * in paragraph one above.

Does he still tick every box? Absolutely! But over and above that, he also came with some extras/accessories which, not few a times, rile me to the last bone. This compact set of flaws that I had not subscribed to. Hold that thought!

*9 August 2020.

Today is special! It’s an experiential day. You may, or may not know, but we are currently undertaking premarital counselling classes. Me, mine, another Five and Theirs. I don’t know about them but I am about to ‘my husband’ people to death. ‘Let me consult with my husband’, I will say. ‘My husbae had a similar experience’, I will chip into conversations unapologetically. ‘Excuse me for a few minutes, my husband is calling me’… my husband this, my husband that, my husband here and my husband there.

Anyhow, experiential basically means that we have a full day of being in a simulation of real-life experiences as a couple.

To me, it is an exciting yet terrifying prospect (the whole experience). I am excited about being in a space where I can get to know him more and ask him all the tough questions which he has either previously ducked or the questions that have been too difficult for me to voice out without risking my own vulnerability or debunking my own insecurities which — in Johari's window — remain in the hidden corner known to myself only. Most importantly, I want to know what marriage means and what it implies to be submissive yet vocal. I want to know how I can have a voice (because I am big on being heard) without coming out as emasculating or stubborn/dominating.

But I am also scared big time (especially about today). Scared of the other couples being too perfect and having it all figured out; scared of the uncertainty of his reactions under pressure, under distress and under duress if at all. I am also dreading my own reactions to whatever situations will be thrown our way and worried that maybe, my (exceptionally) competitive self will scream the hell out of my partner. I know myself well enough to know my reactions when I am on the edge and it is not necessarily pleasant. Of course, I want us to be (or at least appear to be) the sweet charming couple that loves beautifully, argues placidly, competes tenderly and encourages each other unwaveringly. That *aaaaawwwwwhhhhhhh couple next door or next table.

Feel free to insert a small laugh break because jokes are about to be on us. (all of us actually) at different stages of this experiential.

Exercise one is pretty easy..

Chasing your partner in a circle. Tapping them and them chasing you after the tap. In a small circle.

I enjoy this one particularly. It takes me back to the days in paragraph one when I was so hopelessly in love and my friend asked me if (at all) I was afraid. I mean, don’t you think that somewhere along the way you may meet someone better? Like are you sure you want to do this, to get married to him and not anyone else?!

Not at all, I said. I am not scared, and I know that I want to be with him — just him! See, the grass is only greener where you water it and two, until you make that choice to focus on one person, it’s practically impossible to give it your all. Plus, I want to have good days and great days with him. Maybe we will hit the rock bottom at some point, and that is fine too — with him. And even if he does not offer me the best now, I know that better days will come because that is how life is. Things get better with time, you know. (I am such a talker ladies and gentlemen, I know )

Looking back in retrospect, I realize that I was making promises based on how I felt then, a love so deep. But the truth about feelings is that they change and the intensity varies depending on time and seasons. Therefore, there would come a time when all that I had said would probably be a lie (for that specific point in time) because I no longer felt the love as strongly as I did when I made the promise. Some days would be good, some great; and indeed some would be terrible. And through our relationship, I would learn how to stay in love despite. To love through flaws, to care selflessly, to dislike certain aspects of them without losing sight of what drew us to each other in the first place. I would learn how to focus on him because to me, he was all I had and our relationship was the one thing we were constantly chasing and finding new ways of nurturing…

Sorry, I digressed. What I learnt from the first experiment was that over and above setting the boundaries and tone for the relationship, (defined by the circle we were chasing each other in); you have to actively pursue your partner*and your partner alone. Without caring for who else was in the field and how well they were pursuing their partner.

It subtly reminded me that setting boundaries go beyond the broad rules that we set. It means breaking every small dimension that is a grey area. For example, when we say that in this relationship, we are faithful: What does the word ‘faithful’ mean to each of you individually and what does it mean to you jointly- as a couple. Can I check someone out as long as I stay true? Can I accept a date or ask someone else out as long as I still come home to you? Is it exclusive intimacy and exclusive flirting, giving words of affirmation and exposing your vulnerabilities entirely within and not beyond yourselves. How far is too far? How high can your temper go and how much can you stretch budgets…

From here, life started going south for me and mine.