I’m the Bicycle Collecting Cobwebs in the Corner
By: Rachael Ann Sand
Tags: Travel Writing, Self, Humor, Funny, Pandemic Diaries

I’m the bicycle collecting cobwebs in the corner of your garage. Remember me? We used to have such wonderful times together. Oh how I miss caressing the shapely contours of your buttocks on my seat.

You may think I didn’t like your derriere sitting down and squishing me. Quite the contrary! I long to support your tailbone with cushioning in all the right places.

For months I’ve watched you leave and return in your motor vehicle while I sit idly in the corner. Sometimes you’re wearing a face mask. Do you think I won’t recognize you?

That mask doesn’t hide your lazy ass. By the way I have noticed it’s grown. Let me help! Riding bicycles regularly prevents broadening of the buttocks. I can provide plenty of scientific research to back it up.

Memories of our adventures are all I have to keep me propped up these days. Don’t you miss me too? I remember when we flew to Switzerland and rode in the Swiss Alps with that handsome bicycle of your friend’s. You’ve never seemed happier.

Even riding around the city here in the U.S. was filled with smiles. We used to laugh at the drivers stuck in their vehicle boxes looking angry while we were free, out in the open air. We would pedal past traffic jams and go off-road where cars can’t go, at least not easily.

Whenever we returned home from cycling you looked satisfied and content. Lately I’ve been seeing you step out of your motor vehicle scowling with clenched fists. I’ve heard about road rage and I’m worried about you. Let’s get out for a stress relieving bike ride. I know you’ll feel better.

My mood isn’t so good lately either. The spiderwebs are thick and I’m in need of a tune-up. Remember how you used to lube and rub me so lovingly?

Keeping my parts working smoothly is a responsibility you accepted when you chose me. For months I’ve been a breeding ground for spiders and a place for dust to gather. The neglect is really getting me down.

To be tossed aside after years of loyalty and thousands of miles together is insulting. We were nearly joined at the hip. I don’t understand why you’ve abandoned me. I would never intentionally steer you wrong. Let’s get out for a ride and have a conversation. I’m sure we can reconcile.

I know you don’t love the motor vehicle more than me. I see the way you slouch and sigh when you get in the driver’s seat. You’re just choosing the easy option so you don’t have to exert any physical effort, sitting in an air conditioned box.

Wake up! Feel the wind on your face! You’ve lost the motivation to try. You used to love pumping your legs and feeling the freedom of the open air. I know if you give me another chance you’ll love the way your body feels.

This is my final plea. Park the motor vehicle and choose me. Together we can be free, flying along the paths by the river and cruising through the woods. Oh, the joy! I know you miss it too.

Take off those frumpy sweatpants and give me a chance to help you feel sexy again. Finally, if you don’t care about yourself at least take some responsibility for my condition and clean off the cobwebs and dust. I’m suffocating over here.