Why Should Motherhood Be a Choice, Not a Compulsion
By: Shruthi Sundaram
Tags: Society, Motherhood, Women, Feminism, Life

It’s been almost 2 years since I got married, and not one family get-together/function has gone by where someone has not asked me, “When is the good news?”

In the beginning, I used to just ignore them (family/relatives/friends) or tell them that I was not ready. But later on, it started to get really frustrating. I used to think, “Don’t they have anything else to talk about?” or “What gave them the right to ask about my personal stuff?”

And unfortunately, because I live in India where it is customary to respect elders, I could not even talk against them.

After some time, I also started noticing that most of these questions were asked only to me and not to my husband. Why? Isn’t he going to be the father of the child? Is it not a mutual decision between couples? I was taken aside very casually, I must say, by my relatives to just be asked when I was planning to become a mother. Ugh…

Everyone just starts commenting as if it’s their business. From your neighbors to colleagues to friends and family. Everyone. When I am not worried about it myself, why are you so concerned about me?

In the society where I live, there is a designated age for everything a woman (and a man) has to do, and you have to adhere to their norms. Finish your graduation at 22, get married at 24–25, have kids immediately or one year later.

If you do talk about not being ready to have kids, you are called a selfish woman or given advice on why motherhood is the best thing a woman can experience.

What defines womanhood anyway?

Have you noticed it? Everyone just talks about how wonderful parenthood is. It is all flowers and rainbows, apparently. It is the next step of life. No one ever tells you why you should not have a baby. No one advises you about the difficulties of it. No one shares their own difficulties, of being a mother, to couples who are planning to have one.

Why? Because all these difficulties are normalized. Being a mother is normalized. “Everyone faces this. How are you any different? Give it time, things will change, and you will get used to it” they say.

At a random guess, probably about 90% of the mothers today never thought whether they really wanted to be mothers. Society and patriarchy have never given them any other choice or opinions on the matter. It has become a norm that a woman should become a mother, just because she can give birth to children.

Why? Why didn’t anyone question it before? Why didn’t anyone just stop for a moment and think whether motherhood is really their cup of tea? Do we not minimize the importance of a woman’s career by this? Don’t we just assume that all mothers can conceive and not even consider whether they want to? Are we not reinforcing the stereotypes by asking the woman and not the man?

Some of the mind-boggling, forward-thinking comments I have received in the past couple of years

“Because of the pollution nowadays, and chemicals everywhere, including in food, a female does not have the strength to give birth to the baby later on. So the best time to do it is now.”

Aunty, from now on, I will make sure to file my monthly health reports to send it to you. Since you asked for it so kindly.

When I told them that I was not ready, they looked at me in a really weird way and said, “No one is ready to become a mother. Once you see the bundle of happiness in your hand, things will change automatically.”

Really? Is that why you are still cribbing about your child to every single person you meet?

“Isn’t the fundamental goal of marriage to have children and reproduce? Don’t you want to become a mother?”

First things first, I got married to my husband because I love him. As simple as that. Do I really have to produce kids because I produce eggs too? Is it like the buy 1 get 1 offer that comes in the market? For women, is it if you produce eggs, you must have a kid?

“You are a working mother. No mother can go to work without a support system. If you delay the process, your parents will not be able to support you in raising your children”

My parents themselves don’t have a problem with that. I don’t get what your problem is ma’am.

“If you delay having kids now, you would look really old on their wedding day”

So now in the fear of my unborn children’s marriage, I should have one soon because I don’t want to look like a granny at their wedding?

The Changing norms in Society

I recently read an article in Times of India, about couples deciding not to have a child and stay ‘child-free’. Things are changing for sure. The couples are now standing up for themselves and against the society’s norms to not have a child. (This was so inspirational to me!)

Why parenthood, might not be the right choice for everyone:

Parenting is not a short term game. Once you become a parent, you have to take up that responsibility for a lifetime. Couples might not want to take that kind of responsibility. A child also requires good financial stability. Education, daycare, everything is expensive nowadays. The couple might want to spend their income on something else and not tie it down to their kids. Our society, unfortunately, has put most of the responsibilities of child care on women. You would not see many houses where the responsibility is equally taken by both the partners. Things are changing for sure, but it still has a long way to go. Women are becoming career-oriented. It is no secret that a woman’s career gets impacted when she gives birth. From her promotions to opportunities, everything gets impacted. She falls so much behind a man of the same age, and naturally, the responsibility to take care of the child falls on her. With the rising use in technology (too much exposure), unsafe environments, rising pollution levels, etc. couples decide not to raise a child since they would be in a constant state of stress. This might be very hard to believe. Some women might just take a decision to not have a baby. It is their CHOICE and they do not have to explain it to anyone. Yes. This happens too.

Summary

I am not against motherhood. Really, I am not. I have a problem with the unfair stereotypes and patriarchy norms put by society on a woman. It is her body, her life, her decision. Just let her be. If she wants to give birth today, let her. If she wants to have a child some years later, let her. And if she does not want to have a child at all, it should be her decision.

It is really high time, that a woman gets a say in her needs and wants, in her opinions and choices isn’t it? Without getting judged by you as a society obviously. Let her spread her wings without your constant pressure and society would be a much better place for both men and women to live in.