Two Life Lessons Learned Living in São Paulo, Brazil as a German
By: Michael Triska
Tags: Life Lessons, Business Culture, Brazil, Culture, Awareness

Lesson 2: Be Curious and Truly Listen.

“Germans have been geniuses at inventing long or what gets called “compound words” that elegantly put the finger on sensations that we all know, but that other languages require whole clumsy sentences or paragraphs to express. […] Learing languages, ultimately, has little to do with discovering the world per se. It’s about acquiring tools to help us get a clearer graps on the elusive parts of ourselves.” — The School of Life

The video shows a small selection of Germans compound words. The German language truly has a word for everything. However, there is no such word for “Small Talk” in German. “Small Talk” is an art that is notoriously absent from German culture and if it happens it’s about facts, numbers, and statistics. When talking to a German, be prepared to talk about how many inhabitants your hometown has. Moreover, Germans are less likely to start a conversation with strangers and it might arise an awkward situation if a stranger asked a German at the beginning “How are you?” as it isn’t just a polite phrase; it is a real and serious question for Germans. Verbal agreements and promises generally regard Germans as mutually binding, regardless of the situation in which they were made. Light-hearted phrases like “We have to go out to eat together” are often taken seriously and can lead to discomfort if they are forgotten.

While Brazilians tend to value a relationship-centered approach, Germans culture is one of intense focus and direct communication. German workers will launch into a business meeting without any ‘icebreakers’ or use commanding language without softening the directives with polite phrases. There is no introduction, no warning “Excuse me, I was wondering.”, there will be no “Attention! Attention! I am approaching you.” or “I will be asking a question.” Just straight to the point. The reason for that is that you don’t want to waste people’s time. Words without any purpose are useless words. At least that is how it is seen from a German point of view. Why would you introduce that you are going to ask a question when you are going to ask that question anyway?

Just as the Brazilian way may seem very disorganized, the German approach can be seen as invasive, pedantic, inflexible, and possibly even passive-aggressive. Indeed, being polite doesn’t mean the world to Germans. This might often seem like rudeness, but may only be a cultural misunderstanding. It is appreciated in Germany if people speak their minds and frankly defend what they think. This also applies to criticism and feedback. It is perfectly normal to pass judgment on what another person is doing and to be blunt when raising objections. Direct feedback is not only expected but also appreciated, as people see it as an opportunity to grow. Direct criticism is not regarded as a personal “attack”, but as a clear and unambiguous comment related exclusively to the individual’s work. Germans praise less while in the Brasil, criticism is often much more subtle and hidden within praise:

I once had my supervisor coming to my table asking me to start an important project immediately and finish it in the next two weeks, as where I needed to explain myself — for one hour — that we have to sit down and think and collect requirements for two weeks before we put our hands on it. In the following review cycle, my supervisor told me that my peers think that I deliver fast and with high quality. Then he turned to his vision and said that I am too slow. HELLO EGO! I started to defend myself and blame others for their incompetence in doing their jobs.

“Wonder is the beginning of wisdom.” — Socrates

If I would have been genuinely curious and would have truly listened in that situation to what’s driving him and why he has this point of view I would have understood the cultural misunderstanding, decision making, rules, and different mindset in project planning and respect those rather than building walls. Good communication skills build strong relationships, demonstrating understanding of the other side’s position and so gaining trust. They ensure that your interpersonal environment is one that optimizes our ability to heal. Both the other person and I have the ability and willingness to understand one another and express kindness to infuse relationships with the healing qualities of trust, honesty, and compassion:

In general, “How” or “What” questions calibrate more for emotional impact than for conveying information. By going from asking the questions “Why do we have to deliver it in two weeks?” to “What makes it necessary to deliver in two weeks?”, or “How am I supposed to do that?” would have led to increased empathy for my position and take out defensiveness of the situation as people will give more thought, and therefore better answers. The beginning of empathy comes from a place of wonder and honoring being in the not-knowing. And with that genuine curiosity for the other person, you start to learn from them without judgment. Building healing relationships and a climate of trust with your co-workers can provide one with opportunities to practice self-care and to share with others ways to foster open communication and caring relationships that support greater personal wellbeing, both in work environments and in other social situations.

“The simplest act of human kindness is to acknowledge one another.” RuPaul