How Broken People Can Become Better Parents
By: Shannon Ashley
Tags: Life Lessons, Trauma, Mental Health, Psychology, Parenting

It’s no secret that when I was pregnant with my now nearly five-year-old daughter, I was an utter train wreck. An emotional disaster. I had zero faith in myself and my abilities to parent alone.

When her father left me pregnant, I wasn’t just hurt by the abrupt end to our relationship and engagement — I didn’t understand how I could manage to figure out motherhood without him.

He was already a father to three boys. Everything was so new for me. And so scary! I battled suicidal ideation every day, but I didn’t want to be the one to actually end my own life. I didn’t want to have that final say which basically shouts to the world that nothing could have ever gotten better.

Fast forward to today and color me surprised that I’m actually… kind of good at this parenting thing. And I even think I love it.

Don’t get me wrong. One is enough. And this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. At times, the loneliness and isolation of being a single mom makes me feel like I’m going to lose my mind. But even so, the good wins out. Every damn day.

When I say I’m good at parenting, I’m not good at it in the way that so many other moms juggle all the things. Like work, family, spouses, school, friends, hobbies, volunteering, etc. That’s not me. And I’m no Pinterest perfect mom either. I’m not even cooking from scratch these days or planning her birthday parties myself. When I can, I pay to have some of those things done for me.

Being a single mom and wired the way that I am on the spectrum , I really have to juggle working from home and raising my daughter. And it’s still a challenge for me to have a social life — not to mention any sort of love life. Cleaning house… also not my strength.

Plus at nearly 36, I’m only just getting the hang of adulting in many ways (more on that another day). But suffice it to say I have a great deal of personal growth ahead of me and significant challenges to conquer before I’m remotely close to becoming my best self.

Even so, I recognize that I’ve succeeded and I’m continuing to succeed in creating a strong, secure bond with my daughter.

This is a huge deal for me. I grew up in a very dysfunctional world where cutting off from family for years or even for life was par for the course. We didn’t talk about our uncomfortable feelings. Conflicts were never really resolved. And I second-guessed everything I was told by the outside world because I was taught so early on to see ulterior motives and double meanings everywhere.

Because I have lost so much of my life to depression (that’s also for another day), there is very little in my adult life that’s made me proud of myself. To be honest, there’s nothing other than parenting and the fact that I haven’t given up when life gets so hard. Not yet, anyway!

Sure — my adjustment to motherhood was and has been tough with postpartum depression, extreme isolation, and simply trying to figure out how to support a child financially without sacrificing the kind of mom I want to be. Need to be.

And I’m still working on meeting my own needs since there’s much more to my identity than being a mother.

Even so? I’m proud that despite all of the challenges, and the fact that I come from such a toxic family dynamic, I’ve been able to break some of those toxic habits to establish healthier ones. That alone gives me hope that my efforts matter.

That I can make a real difference in the world because I have this little person who needs me to give her a firm foundation. Like I’m living for something bigger than simply myself. Living for yourself alone becomes so quickly unfulfilling.

Because of that — as stressed out as I get with my daily grind, I’ve become a much better parent than I ever imagined I could be. I rarely lose my cool with my daughter, and on the off chance that I do — I am able to recognize it and address it right away.

For a person like myself, with so few healthy relationships… it’s surreal that I’m able to manage such a healthy connection with my daughter.

But what’s so awesome about my experience is that if I can do it, you can do it too! I write about being a child of abuse and how crazy it is to become parents ourselves when we never had the tools or example of how to be a good parent. I write with the hope that you’ll realize you can break those toxic family cycles. You can be the parent you want to be and have a really wonderful relationship with your kids for life. I really believe that.