Dear Santa, We Have A Lot To Catch Up On
By: Samantha Hodder
Tags: Parenting, Pandemic Life, Humor, Shopping, Christmas

In short: he world has really changed. And I know we say that every year, but this year, it’s not hyperbole. This is all way too real.

Before you head out to make your rounds, there’s a few details we should cover off first. I’ll cut it down to make this brief.

Here’s 10 things that you need to know, Santa

Expect more than the usual amount of Christmas decorations. Everyone seems to have put a jump on the season — the shelves have been bare since mid-November. Ergo, they’ve gone somewhere. Expect to be delightfully surprised. But also, Watch Your Step. You never know what people do with their extension cords to reach the right spot. Also, related to my first point, maybe send one last round of Christmas trees down from the North Pole so that the apparent shortages can be met…those people who always leave this to the last minute are going to be disappointed when they realize they’re sold out. I know you’re above the tree line there, so maybe you’ll need to dip a bit to the South…you might end up meeting up with the cut line from this year’s trees. It’s not so much that there are less trees out there, which there are, but rather that so many more people want one. I mean, my Jewish mother-in-law got a tree this year, which is a first…so I’m extrapolating. It might be a bit hard to imagine this, but many people haven’t really left their homes in months. Expect to see a lot of home renovation projects which have either gone over time, over skill level, or over budget, and thus, been abandoned. And for the lucky ones who had their IKEA orders fulfilled before they got shut down again, please make sure not to muss up the new couch. Word of caution: Not sure that kids will be asking for computers in the same way as before. Most of them have been stuck at home doing this thing called “remote school,” which basically means that they do a lot less school while pretending that they aren’t snapping with their friends at the same time. If they magically got a new, faster, intelligent computer, it might mean that they could perform better at school, and their parents might be more on them to do better…so…I’m sensing this isn’t going to be a high priority. Conversely, what will likely be on the rise this year is for iPads, smart phones, game consoles…basically any electronic that you can’t perform school on. As these will be in high demand, you may need to reconfigure your order sheet, based on the projection from my previous point. Alongside this, there might be requests for things that you usually don’t specifically have control over….things like faster Internet, or better data packages. This year our whole lives are fed by the Internet: Work, school, socializing, relaxing, exercising, grocery buying, learning a new instrument. I could go on but I’m starting to feel a bit demoralized by this list. On the plus side, the baking quality might have substantially increased this year. There are a lot of home bakers who have really upped their game this year. I guess what I’m saying is — Bring your appetite. And I know this isn’t tradition, but don’t be surprised if someone is trying to impress you with their new sourdough recipe. Robux is not an actual currency….you won’t be able to find that anywhere or create any physical proof of it. Again, this is part of a longer conversation, but the rise in “need” for digital clothing has seen a shocking increase this year. Many parents have traded their budgets for actual clothes, to digital clothes, so they can finish their goddamned work meeting in peace. This is a tricky one, but if you notice some lists that are off kilter — too long or too short — it might be a sign. A lot of people have lost their jobs this year, or are feeling quite insecure about their employment, which might translate to kids writing extra long lists to make up any shortfalls, or if they’re unusually short, it might be because kids who don’t want to ask their parents for yet another thing they can’t afford. Not sure how you could segment out these folks, but if you were somehow able to use your Christmas Magic to figure this out, you’ll be doing a whole lot of good. If you see the item “A HOLIDAY” on any lists, primarily these will come from adults, please note that these aren’t really available. And, the ALL CAPS wasn’t a typo. It would take a long time to explain this, but in short, getting on an airplane has become really tricky. Leaving your country has been actively discouraged, if not out-right banned. And, an I-Owe-You on this item isn’t going to make it any better.

Ok, I think I’ve managed to cover off the major points. There’s more to go over, but I need to take a break and have a glass of wine, something else that’s on the rise this year. So we can talk again soon…although not really talk, because I’m tired of doing that in my spare time after so many hours of work on a phone…so really, maybe just do your best to intuit all of this.

Don’t worry, we’re all walking blind into this one too.