Diary of a Trump Supporter
By: Bryan Hickman
Tags: Satire, Politics, Humor, Donald Trump, Diary

It’s Called Satire, People

Diary of a Trump Supporter

Photo Credit: Bruce Dill/AP

My name is Trump Supporter. This diary is for posterity.

In the not too distant future, our descendants — especially my oldest grandson, Tyler — are going to look back on this moment in history with confusion. They won’t know a thing about Fake News, Do-Nothing Democrats, or Human Scum Never Trumpers because President Trump will have obliterated them all.

I’m keeping this diary in hopes that at least a few of them will someday read it and understand that Donald Trump is more than just some guy who, in their time, shares a name with every high school in America. They’ll be living in a world that’s fully MAGAed, and they should know about all the trials and injustices President Trump endured to give it to them.

December 14th, 2019

Dear Diary,

Well, the Do-Nothing Democrats are really going to do it, which is weird because they usually don’t do ANYTHING. That’s why President Trump calls them Do-Nothing Democrats. It’s funny because it’s true.

Anyway, Nancy and her brownshirts in the House are apparently determined to throw democracy down the toilet and literally overturn the 2016 election.

And, I do mean literally — this is not one of those times when Tyler, my snowflake grandson, tells me I’m not akshully being literal.

I’m saying that, if Trump is impeached, it will be as though the 2016 elections never happened. Hillary Clinton will become president. Or maybe “President” Obama will come back. I’ll admit that I’m a little hazy on the specifics. Luckily the Constitution is clear on the matter so the rest of us don’t have to be.

Who do these people think they are?

Donald Trump won the election. It was one of the biggest landslides in history.

Then the Do-Nothing Democrats — so funny! — somehow took over the House and started acting like they run the place. Well guess what, House Democrats, the American People elected President Trump. Who elected you?

Trump on yet another Perfect Call (Credit: Alex Brandon/AP)

The worst part is that Trump didn’t do anything wrong!

Trump is literally — yes, Tyler, LITERALLY! — obsessed with corruption. So sue him.

And if someone is truly committed to ridding the world of corruption, what do they do? They start at the top of the list and move down from there.

Is it Trump’s fault that Hunter Biden is literally — shut your damn mouth, Tyler — the most corrupt person on the planet? The man got paid lots of money because of who his dad is. Is there anything worse?

Can you imagine what the media — not to mention my grandson — would be saying if Trump’s kids started trading off their dad’s name? They’d go ballistic. The Trumps — all of them — are self-made men. Except Ivanka, but only because she’s not a man. She’s married to one, though.

The Biden Scandal — the one where Sleepy Joe murdered a Ukrainian prosecutor to spring Hunter from prison — is the biggest political scandal in human history. And the Fake News Media says we shouldn’t believe it. But real Americans know the truth about the Biden family’s Ukrainian adventures, and no additional “facts” or “information” will make us see it differently.

And another thing: Everyone knows that the Ukraine — Yes, Tyler, I still say THE Ukraine! I guess I’m SUPER old — hacked the DNC servers and then published embarrassing emails to make Hillary look bad. And everyone knows they did it to help Hillary win.

She was in on it the whole time! How is that not obvious to everyone? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

Everyone in the media is trying to blame Russia. But that’s a hoax.

My question: Where’s their proof?

Where’s the f — king server, Tyler? Answer: It’s in THE Ukraine. Yet no one — except Trump, thank God — wants to know how it got there.

Anderson Stooper — Get it? Because he’s stupid! — and the rest of the libtards at the Communist/Clinton News Network keep saying they know Russia did it because that’s what the Intelligence Community says.

Can you believe these people? All these Mark’s cyst journalists and media types actually refer to themselves as “the intelligence community.” How elitist is that?

What does that make the rest of us? The un-intelligence community?

Well they can sit up there in their Irony Tower and keep making their “intelligence assessments” about all the rest of us, but we’re not paying attention. Trump didn’t have to read any “intelligence assessment” to know that Russia didn’t do anything wrong in 2016. He just knew it. And so do we.

So, Adam Schiff and his “Intelligence Committee” — Yes, that’s the real name he’s given to his little team of Democrats. The guy has no shame! — can go ahead and throw the Constitution in the trash. Because, when this is all over, Trump will dig it out — or pay someone to dig it out so he doesn’t have touch garbage. Then he’ll dust it off, put it in a frame, and hang it over America’s fireplace.

And then, years from now, when our country has been fully MAGAed, our grandchildren will point up at the tattered piece of framed parchment on the wall and tell their grandchildren — who will all properly identify with their biological gender — about the villains who tried to throw it away, and the hero who saved it without EVER having to release his tax returns.

We, the American People, overwhelmingly elected Donald Trump to save our Constitution. And, dammit, he’s gonna do it. Even if he has to stay in office for another 20 years.

Yours truly,

Trump Supporter