Dark Night of the Soul: You Can’t Just Erase Me or My Love
By: Lizzie Finn
Tags: Life Lessons, Trauma, Love, Divorce, Marriage

September 29, 2019

I have been fairly open about my life over the years here on Facebook. I’m not one for keeping secrets. As they say in AA, you’re only as sick as your secrets.

But I don’t share everything here. Mostly because I try to respect the privacy of others, especially the people I love.

However, tonight my heart has been broken into a million pieces by the carelessness and insensitivity of people I once loved and considered family. So, I’m not keeping this secret anymore. It’s just too hard to pretend like my life is shiny and bright (just because my health is better) when that couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Twelve weeks ago, my husband walked out of my life with barely any explanation or discussion. After 32 years together total (25 years of marriage), the person I loved and trusted the most in the world, and considered my best friend, absolutely dropped a bomb on me.

He has moved on and established a new life, and I have been left behind to handle the debris and damage on my own. It’s definitely not cool. The man I loved and knew would not treat me this way. So I no longer know what or whom to trust.

Yes, things have been incredibly hard for us over the years, in no small part because of my illnesses (Lyme disease and depression), and also core issues and dysfunctional patterns established in our 20s, we could never quite reconcile or outgrow together.

But after a lifetime together, I didn’t expect things to go down like this. I didn’t expect to feel so disrespected and disregarded. I didn’t expect to feel so disposable. I didn’t expect to be erased overnight from so many people’s lives.

I’m sorry, but I am not a person who can move on quickly. After 32 years it’s going to take more than 12 weeks for me to disengage my heart and soul from my marriage. I think if I did move on that quickly, I’d be sort of a sociopath.

And I just wish that people could understand that I am grieving pretty damn hard. I lost the person I spent my entire adult life with.

He didn’t die, but we were together forever and I expected to grow old with him. I am in shock and experiencing deep, deep trauma and loss.

And just because he’s apparently moving on, doesn’t mean I immediately stopped loving him. I miss him every single day, and can’t imagine not talking to him or sharing our lives.

This separation is perhaps the cruelest thing I’ve ever encountered in my life — much harder than six years of constant debilitating pain.

The good news is I am feeling healthier and stronger than I’ve felt in years, and I’m on a good anti-depressant, so my moods are stable. I know I’m resilient as hell and I will get through this.

However, right now I’m still fragile, raw, and broken.

So perhaps, when my husband and his friends and family are celebrating how fun my husband’s life is now, they can remember MY family is decimated and not healed.

And maybe they can show a little more care, compassion, and sensitivity towards that.

I am suffering over here.

Maybe, try not to party quite so much.

Perhaps take note that I’m a human and I’m in pain.

I am not replaceable.

You can’t just erase me.

Or my love.