What I Wasn’t Prepared For as a First-time Mom
By: Julie Callahan
Tags: Newborn, Postpartum Anxiety, Motherhood, Family, Parenting

What I Wasn’t Prepared For as a First-time Mom

photo by Julien Pouplard

Motherhood is an extraordinary experience. I became a mother at 21 years old. Having 5 younger siblings I figured I knew what it took to be a mother. Turns out my knowledge only scratched the surface. I knew that I would have to get up every 2–3 hours to feed a newborn, I knew how to burp a newborn, I knew how to change a diaper. However, I did not realize the physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion I would be suffering during the first month and a half after bringing my beautiful son home from the hospital, not to mention the postpartum anxiety.

Now I’m sure everyone is aware of postpartum depression, however, postpartum anxiety is something that doesn’t seem to get a whole lot of attention. This article is here to shed some light on postpartum anxiety and how it affected me as a first-time mom. Before we dive into what might be considered a heavy topic, let's look at some signs and symptoms of postpartum anxiety.

Increased heart rate

Needing constant reassurance

Checking things repeatedly

Panic attacks

Excessive worry

Imagining worst-case scenarios

Tight chest and throat

Obsessing

Trouble falling or staying asleep

Racing thoughts about the future

Avoiding everyday situations for fear of your child

being over-controlling

These are just the symptoms I experienced. There are more signs and symptoms of postpartum anxiety found on betterhelp.com

Honestly, before I became a mom, I didn’t even know that postpartum anxiety was an actual diagnosis like postpartum depression. I’m hoping with this article I can change that for some new, soon-to-be moms out there so that maybe it won’t be so hard for you as it was for me.

My postpartum anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. I was already a victim of overthinking, the postpartum anxiety took it to a new level. The anxiety started pretty soon after giving birth. Even in the hospital, I felt the anxiety creeping in. I didn’t even want to be alone with my son because I was afraid that something would happen and I wouldn’t know what to do. I have been an EMT for almost 4 years now. I know basic life-saving skills and have been taught how to handle stressful situations, and I was still terrified that something would happen.

When you hear stories about SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and other terrible conditions, soon that’s all you start to think about. You pray to God that it does not happen to your perfect, wonderful, innocent child. I couldn’t do anything without feeling anxious, even sitting on the couch watching a show. My chest felt tight all the time and I had multiple panic attacks.

My husband was a full-time student, and had 2 part-time jobs at the time, and was gone a lot the first 2 weeks we brought our son home. Unfortunately, this made my anxiety worse. Not having my husband with me made me feel like I was alone when I wasn’t. The phrase I used one night while talking to my husband was “I feel like I’m drowning.” Obviously, this was not true, but in my mind, I couldn’t catch my breath, my chest was tight, and I felt a massive weight on my shoulders; after all, I had my very own human I was now responsible for. Every breath I took was exhausting. I felt like this for 6 weeks.

I would worry about the smallest things. Did he get enough to eat? Am I feeding him too much? Is he gaining enough weight? Is he hitting his milestones? Am I missing something I should be doing? Should he be sleeping this much during the day? Should he be crying this much? Is he having enough bowel movements? Should I be worried about him getting enough tummy time? Will he be okay if he cries for a long period of time? How will I know if something is wrong? Am I a good mother? Trust me the list goes on. Now I know all moms worry about their newborn, having questions is beyond normal, but this article’s purpose is to show that the constant worry could develop into postpartum anxiety.

I found out about postpartum anxiety from a handout the hospital gave me after being discharged. I had been flipping through the mountain of papers they sent home about how to care for a newborn when I found the articles about baby blues, postpartum depression, postpartum psychosis, and of course postpartum anxiety. As I read through the pages the section on postpartum anxiety was describing how I felt since I gave birth. At that point, I knew that there was a very good chance this was not going to go away on its own.

Take in mind not all women experience it the same. For some, it goes away after a couple of weeks, for others it takes longer. In my case, it was not going away and I knew that I could not continue going on the way I had been. I was encouraged to talk to my doctor about it and I am so glad I did. I thought that the doctor would just write me off with phrases like “it gets easier” or “this is normal” and “don’t worry, that goes away.” To my wonderful surprise, my doctor was very understanding and could see I was struggling. I was okay with medications if my doctor thought it would help, she suggested I try it, and I am very thankful I did. I was put on an anti-anxiety medication, and within 24 hours, I could tell a difference. My chest wasn’t tight anymore, I could breathe. I still worried, I’m a mom, I’m going to worry for the rest of my life, but it was a normal amount.

My days turned from wanting to hide in fear, to conquering the day like I was used to doing. My days were brighter and filled with more joy. I got to enjoy spending time with my son instead of constantly worrying. I had found what all mothers talk about. I had found the bliss of being a mother. And let me tell you, I’m in love with it, and my son.

This period of time in my life was daunting, but with help, I got through it. Medications won’t be the answer for everyone, and I highly encourage looking at every option to help you whether it be counseling, medications, vitamins, exercise, prayer, meditation, anything.

Postpartum anxiety is a very real and scary thing, but we women are warriors, and we will overcome it all.