The Best Places To Celebrate New Year’s Eve This Year
By: Richie Crowley
Tags: Satire, Creativity, Travel, Comedy, Humor

On a toilet

Just sitting there. Not even peeing, or pooping. You did, but that was 20 minutes ago, and even though you forgot to wipe, everything has dried. Now you’re just deep in the comments of a tweet posted by a celebrity you don’t even like but follow for some reason.

In your shower

Well actually, sitting on the floor of your shower, drink in hand, with a burning sensation in your right shoulder because you’ve been holding your arm at full extension protecting said drink in hand from the spray of water slapping off your stomach, so not to dilute your drink.

Standing up in your least furnished room

Like a suburban dad on a spring day, coffee in hand staring out the window of the back sliding door mapping out the route he and his Honda Variable Speed 4-in-1 will unleash on the grass today, you are standing in a room that’s been unfurnished for the last 8 months planning what might look good, knowing you don’t have the funds, nor will-power to design another room in this thin-walled apartment.

Staring in the mirror repeating positive affirmations because that’s how manifestation works

You watched Jupiter and Saturn’s great conjunction, arranged crystals, got a new set of tarot cards, and hand wrote what you want 100 times in your journal. This year is yours. That’s how manifestation works. It’s so great. Yay!

Filling up your car with gas

There’s nothing like waking up on January 1st with a full tank of gas, ready for an adventure. New Year’s Eve is a great time to avoid traffic and lines at the gas station.

Stuck in the middle crack of your couch

If you have two cushion crevices in your couch stop reading, as we are not here to humor your woe is me fetish, you’re the elite. We must eat you. For the rest of us, tuck your sweatpants into your socks, grab your weighted blanket, the heavier the better, and sink into the middle and only crack on your couch. Sink so deep that when you rise in an hour for a bathroom break, you leave a dent that does not fill in your absence.

Reading missed Updates to our Terms of Service emails

Our days can just get so busy that when these lengthy emails arrive in our inbox, we don’t always have time to thoroughly read them. The good news is that New Year’s Eve is the perfect time to sit in silence and make sure you’re educated on all the updates from your favorite services and subscriptions.

Howling at the moon from your roof

Whether by ladder, fire escape, staircase, or window, find your way onto your roof, kneel due south of the moon and release a howl. Your neighbors may even think, “Wow, a wolf in the neighborhood howling at the moon on New Year’s Eve, this must be a good omen!” only to then realize that nope, it’s just you, howling at the moon.

In bed with your head resting on a dull, deflated, overused pillow

Close your eyes tight and fall asleep before the fireworks are set off in a few hours so that you can wake up energized and say “Rabbit Rabbit” as if these words mean anything. Then after reciting this voodoo, stay in bed and begin a doomscroll of stories from “Friends” who celebrated midnight at maskless gatherings large and small, sharing champagne and kissing strangers during a global pandemic.

On a group Zoom call

That could have been an email, or a text, or nothing, nothing at all. Exhaust us no more Zoom!

In a sad reality

Scrolling through TikTok, the app your cousin downloaded for you during holiday dessert, and at one point commenting how creative these young kids are, only then to realize that referring to others as “young kids” excludes yourself from being young. So, you commit to learning the latest dance. Maybe Shakira’s Girl Like Me, or even Rockstar, but if you choose Rockstar your cousin will publicly comment within minutes that this trend was “So 6 months ago.” You close the app, return to the middle crack on your couch, take a sip of your drink only to taste it’s dilution, realizing that you didn’t extend your arm when sitting on the shower floor, turn on the television because you’ve binge-streamed every possible show with a rating above 6 and dare not visit the cellar of streaming, to find the New Year’s Eve special and are met with such deep disappointment that both Ryan Seacrest and James Corden are still platformed and hosting this national event that you turn off the TV, shuffle to bed, and lie down, and just before you drift into a twisted REM cycle are reminded that we are only at the threshold of the darkest days of a global pandemic.

But fuck it, let’s go kill some birds, I’m psyched.

Happy New Year.

-Please excuse any typos as this was sent with frosted fingers from a Double Black Diamond in the Swiss Alps. See you next year!

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