Top Five Places to Get Murdered at UCLA
By: Jacobi Gunsalus
Tags: University, Articles, UCLA, Comedy, Murder

DISCLAIMER** This article was written purely for comedic purposes, and is not meant to be taken seriously.

Are classes ever too much for you? Do people keep telling you that your major isn’t marketable enough to make it in the modern job market, and that you’ll never pay off your student loans? Or is it the existential despair resulting from the realization that you and every last person who you ever loved or who merely even knew of you will be dead in a few centuries, eliminating the last pieces of evidence remaining that prove that you once existed? Well, this article is for you. Read further for rankings of the best places to get murdered at our beloved school, University of California, Los Angeles.

5. The Entrance to Viewpoint Conference Room at 4:00 A.M.

The flights of dull gray concrete stairs closed in by (you guessed it) concrete walls, the orange lighting, the homeless guy who stares at you as you walk by, and the general ambience pushed this location to number 5 on this list. No one will hear you scream. Especially not at 4 a.m.

4. The “Garden” Behind Canyon Point

This hidden patch of grass and concrete irrigation systems behind Sunset Village Canyon Point is rarely visited by UCLA locals (and for good reason). Only a serious low point would drive a person to willingly go there; whether it is a failed midterm, or the urgent need to pee after a night out that you will surely regret in the morning. Either way, the privacy and lack of proper lighting makes it a prime location for murder. Bonus points for giving back to UCLA’s campus as much needed fertilizer (maybe they’ll finally stop asking you for donations after this!)

3. The Bathrooms in Mathematical Sciences

The uncannily artificial lighting, the emptiness, the mysterious stains on the walls that have been there since before you were born, and the bleak atmosphere that lingers from the collective despair of thousands of depressed and aimless physical science and engineering majors creates a fantastic atmosphere for some first degree homicide. The proximity and ease of access for South Campus students is a positive as well.

2. The Garbage Alley Entrance to the Courtside Parking Garage

Those of you who lived in Courtside or Canyon Point probably know this alley and its weekly stench of sewage and garbage very well. During the day, it isn’t uncommon to see trucks backing into the alleyway and refusing to slow down as you try to walk through the alley. Now I know what you’re thinking: that’s not murder, that’s vehicular manslaughter. Don’t worry, I’m getting to that! Although this alley may not be a great place for daytime murders, it is absolutely fantastic for post-midnight murder. The many crooks and nannies, the dim lighting, the ramps, the stairwells, the many parking garage stories… on their own these are all classic horror movie murder locations, but putting everything together, this definitely deserves the number 2 spot on this list.

1. The Second Floor of Boelter Hall

Any student who has had the misfortune of having to take a class on the second floor of Boelter Hall knows that this deserves the number one spot. The banging sounds coming from the ventilation pipes hanging loosely from the ceiling that’s due to fail at any moment, the walls and ceiling that only just achieve the architectural bare minimum to keep the building intact, and the automatic lights that audibly flicker on and off and cast an unflattering yellow glow on the already unsightly halls, all make for an unforgettable experience. Only the most desperate Engineering major would walk through here, so chances are you will be alone. You may try to run, but the elevator will get to your floor at least 5 minutes too late. It will be days before they find your body, hidden in the maze that is the second floor of Boelter Hall.