I hope you see the light fade
By: Blue Head Selcouth
Tags: Aesthetics, Sad, Depressed, Self Depracating, Poetry

From my eyes

When you decide to walk away

And decide that I am no longer what you want

I hope that you leave and you remember

The sound of my crying

I hope you’re able to hear

My heart shatter from millions of miles away

I hope you watch me pick up the pieces

And that image sticks with you for life

Just like how it’ll stick with me

That you left me again.

Ill never let you know

That I can’t eat food like I used to

Or that I spent hours in the bath

High as a kite in hopes to forget

Smoke in my lungs

Burning me inside out

In hopes i could feel something

That wasnt this god forsaken pain

Ill never tell you how badly

I wanted to hurt myself

Or even how badly I DID hurt myself

Meeting my old razor sharp friend

In the quiet confines of my room

All I could hear was the sound of torn flesh

Because it was loud enough to silence my thoughts and raging feelings.

Maybe I could try to onset some amnesia

To forget how to remember you

Forget your stupid and cute laugh

Or the way that you called self warming car seats ‘Heat Seaters’ because of something your mother said once

I want to forget how good it felt to have your hand in mine on a day when all i wanted to do was cry because of my depression

I want to forget the sweet kisses

That now remain like a poison on my skin

But whats worse is that the poison isnt killing me

I wish sometimes that I never let myself open up to you

Because i felt like you were the one

So what was the harm in giving it all?

When I was so sure?

Stupid girl making stupid moves again

I will never tell you how angry

You actually made me

Because if you knew how I felt

You’d surely want to die

Because I know insecurity

And if thoughts could kill, you wouldn’t have stood a moment after you said we were over

So much for saying you couldn’t bear to hurt me again

I should have known

I hope that the fact

I gave my whole body and soul

To you will haunt you like a phantom

And stick like a stain you can never remove.

I hope you lie awake at night and its a Saturday night going into Sunday

Those nights when I’d stay with you

And when you roll over to look and be sure im breathing

That it hits you like a train that I’m not on that air mattress

And I’m not smiing

Im not breathing

I hope it hits you that I am not there

Ill never tell you

About how I can no longer sleep at night

Because the feeling of warmth reminds me

Of your arms and I cant stomach it

The feeling of being secure in you

And not having to care about anything

Except for whether or not I was hogging the blankets

That wont ever leave my head

I say these things and mean them

Because if it hurts so bad

I want to know you feel it

I am tired of being the only one who hurts

But I

Dont want

To push you

Away

Because I still love you

And you could hurt me a thousand times

And I know that I would still be there

When you fall

When you find a love who hurts you

The same way you hurt me

I will be there

I will be there when the world forgets your name

I will be there when you need a ride at 3 am

Because you got into real bad trouble with a friend

I wil be there when you just need someone to talk to

I will be there to see you thrive and flourish

Even if its without me

Because when I said I love you and would never leave you I fucking meant it

My loyalty runs deeper than the sea

And I will do whatever is necessary to protect you

Because I love you

It will take me forever

To look you in the eyes

And not want to cry

Because i know those eyes are no longer mine

I know that your smile

Will no longer get its source from me

And that once soft face i held in my hands

Has turned to ashes in the fires of time

It will kill me to see you with someone else

And when you show her off and ask me

‘Isnt she great?’ Of course I will say ‘Yes’

Because she is great for making you happy

I know the reward of your laughter

And i know what a privilege your love is

But inside I will be dying

It will feel like my chest is being split open with an axe, slowly and painfully each layer of flesh and bone is coming undone and my beating heart will feel exposed

For you and hear to rip it from me and each share a bite

Because i loved you first

Because Im going to feel like that should be me

Me

In your arms

Me making you laugh

Me making you smile

Me giving you the best shower sex you’ve ever had

But no

It will be her

And I know it will be her

And every moment I realize that, it will tear me apart

Piece by piece

And I can only wish that I would die in that moment

I love you

And i want to hold you

Til my arms break

But I no longer will take your love

Because it hurts too much

And its not something you will give

Love came to me with shining black eyes

And a crooked smile

It came to me with open arms and a silver voice

Soothing my demons and reminding me that things were okay

But he left with tears in his eyes

Saying he was afraid to let go

‘I want you to stay’ said he

For the second time love slipped through my grasp

And somehow this time hurt worse than the last

Saying that we could be friends

And though I love you, we need a break

Maybe it’s time I let go.

Maybe I shouldn’t wish and hope

That you will one day be my husband

Because three times isnt the charm

And this false hope only makes the hurt worse

Maybe one day i can speak of you

And not quiver like a frightened dog

Scrounging for scraps of love

But only finding the crumbs on the dirt

Maybe one day

The idea of you being someone else’s

Will be a thought i will rejoice

Instead of making me feel like a bomb

Ticking and ticking til I destroy myself

I wonder if someday I will be able to do some

Of the things you said we would do

And not think of you

Maybe one day you wont be on my mind

Like you are now

Maybe some day i will be able to wear the jewelry you bought me

And not feel like the metal is branding my flesh

With all the memories we shared

One day I will speak your name

And it will have no power over me

One day maybe

I wont love you so hard

I wont look for your voice on the summer breezes

I wont see the reflection of your eyes in the mirror

I wont masturbate and imagine that its you touching me and holding me

Making love to me like you did so very sweetly

I wont imagine your arms over me in the night

When the fear is consuming my mind

One day I wont cry over you

I hope one day you find someone like me.

And i hope one day i love myself harder than I ever loved you.