Women Who Can “Cope” With Microaggressions
By: Toni Hargis
Tags: Feminism, Equality, Women, Womens Rights, Microaggressions

Women Who Can “Cope” With Microaggressions

Photo by Gemma Chua-Tran on Unsplash

Recently, I’ve been in a few “discussions” with women insisting that microaggressions against them weren’t a problem. They weren’t offended; they can take a joke. One even referenced “snowflakes” when talking about women who object to such jokes, insisting that since the comment was only made to her, no other woman was harmed.

I’ve been told countless times not to “make something out of nothing” and to “stop looking for things to be offended about.” Seriously, who does that? Who needs to do that when they’re everywhere?

Again, for those in the back of the room — microaggressions are not “nothing.”

There’s a reason people like me object to microaggressions, but Dr. Pragya Agarwal explains it perfectly:

“But these microaggressions never exist in isolation. They are indicative of the insidious underlying implicit unconscious biases existing in our society and have to be called out.”

While it might look like just a one-off to the eye-rollers on the sidelines, the woman has most likely had a similar experience earlier in the week. I’m willing to bet the person dishing out the microaggression is a dab hand at it. If you think it’s not harmful because it only happened to one individual, as Dr. Agarwal says, that’s just incorrect.

Never an isolated event, they pave the way for more of the same, grant permission to the sexist and imply that it’s just another thing women have to put up with.

And women who talk about being able to “cope with” sexism, or throw the word “snowflake” around when women take a stand? You’re part of the problem.

When you say you can “cope” —

It doesn’t make those demeaning words or actions any more appropriate.

It doesn’t mean that other men won’t take a cue from what they see being given a pass.

It doesn’t make you better than other women. Someone who has decades of sexism under her belt should never expect the same level of ‘coping’ from younger or less experienced women. If anything, we should be reaching out and giving them support.

When you say you can “cope” —

Instead, you imply that you’re not there to lend support. If you can cope, surely whatever it is you’re doing will help stamp it out? Share your tips instead of your derision. Mentor instead of maligning.

You dismiss or belittle women who are upset, offended, or fed up with it. To use the old adage, it adds insult to injury.

You ignore the reality that many women who do “cope” often have little choice. These women can’t afford to rock the boat; there are jobs to lose, promotions at risk, partners to fear.

It makes it that much harder for other women to fight it. Especially if you have a platform, your acquiescence gives men permission to keep doing what they’re doing and keeps women silent.

Bear in mind, though, when you say you can “cope” —

Although intending criticism, you are simultaneously acknowledging that there’s something that must be “coped” with. Ditto the women who reflect that back in the day, they just “put up with it.” Put up with what? You know it was a problem; something to be endured. Why pretend it wasn’t?

As I have said to more than one such woman, when I call out a microaggression, I’m not jumping in to defend you; this is not a “white knight” situation. If you tell me you can defend yourself, I believe you. However, lecturing me on how well-intended or misdirected I am, and refusing to consider the effect the same microaggression could have on others, not only dismisses me but once again, dismisses women who’ve had enough or who need the support of other women in their fight. It’s the epitome of thinking only of yourself.

I’m not asking you to join the fight if you don’t see the damage, but don’t dismiss those of us who want to see an end to it.

I also do it because, to quote Dr. Agarwal again,

“Microaggressions are causes and symptoms of larger systemic and structural problems. Calling out microaggressions can serve as a deterrent.”

As with topless posters in the warehouse office, or dress codes that were there to titillate, when we make a noise, they eventually become ‘not okay’, which in turn, acts as a ‘deterrent.’

As I’ve said, many women have no choice but to put up with sexism. There is strength in standing up to it, so please stop saying we’re “snowflakes.”

When other women take a stand, it moves the dial for everyone.