Complex-PTSD is Caused by a War Zone of Toxicity
By: Doreen Barker
Tags: Mental Healing, Family, Mental Health, PTSD, Childhood Trauma

Complex-PTSD is Caused by a War Zone of Toxicity

As I battled through complex-PTSD, why do some things trigger me into reactions I hate myself for?

Photo by Marcus Lenk on Unsplash

Over the years and over probably hundreds of counseling sessions, I was diagnosed with complex-PTSD. Many of you know what PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is. You’ve probably heard it often associated with Veterans who have seen combat.

PTSD is typically associated with a single traumatic event or a series of traumatic events over a short window of time. Well, complex-PTSD is the result of prolonged episodes lasting years and is more interpersonal in nature. It is caused by parental abuse, sexual abuse, and repeated psychological abuse during early childhood development. You can read up more in-depth on Medical News Today, TalkSpace, and US News, all of which describe causes, symptoms, and treatments for complex-PTSD

There is a survey available to assist with the proper diagnosis as well. Unfortunately, complex-PTSD is often misdiagnosed as borderline Multiple Personality Disorder due to some similarities that manifest in how the individual handles certain emotional aspects of themselves. The survey is called an Adverse Childhood Event Survey, or ACES.

The ACES is a series of questions directed at finding out the safety levels felt by someone during childhood development. The survey is about ten questions long. A sample question would be something like, “Did you often or very often feel that no one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special?” There are also more probing questions that can potentially trigger memories, like “How often did a parent or adult in your home ever swear at you, insult you, or put you down?”

Let’s talk about my ACES score. My score is a 7. The problem is scores over 5 is that they can manifest into a multitude of mental health and physical health issues, including alcoholism and heart disease. You can do your own quiz, privately, via Stop Abuse Campaign.

So let’s talk about triggers, specifically mine, after a lifetime of abuse and trauma. Similar situations to what I endured are often triggers. I have a very difficult time listening to anyone speak down to kids. Mentions of suicide are actually a huge trigger for me, sending me into a panic for them and myself. Seeing, witnessing, or hearing of child abuse is a trigger.

I also have issues with put-downs, yelling, physical intimidation, intimacy, touching people, and even personal space. I had extreme difficulty trusting anyone and an even harder time discussing my true mental health with anyone. If anyone pushes me past my comfort zones, I shut down both mentally and physically. It’s like my head goes to another place, where I don’t see or feel anything.

I am fortunate enough that somewhere along the line, I realized that most of the actions that had occurred to me were very wrong. I have never touched illegal drugs a day in my life because I inherently knew that they would only become a crutch and I was at risk for addiction.

Let’s talk a little about being the “people-pleaser”. This was me in full effect, not too many years ago. I was a people-pleaser to avoid conflict. Any kind of conflict. I’d work harder to be the best employee because I didn’t want a confrontation with a boss. I’d self sacrifice myself to keep others off my back. I’d spend money or do things I didn’t want to do to keep people off my back. I adapted my personality into an extremely subservient mode. I did what I was told or what was suggested, no matter the cost. Including taking the blame for things, doing things that were wrong, and ultimately landing in jail because of it.

I hate to admit it, but going to jail was the absolute best thing that happened to me. It forced me OUT of abusive and toxic situations. It forced me to start really digging into why I was locked inside of a jail cell for days and weeks on end. I’m thankful for the guards that would talk to me and help me see that how certain people spoke to me wasn’t helpful. I’m thankful that yet another guard pointed out how down people actually talked to me. I’m thankful for the ladies that donated their time through their church to come to teach us and talk to us about a better tomorrow.

While I’m in survivor mode now and a completely different person than those fateful days back then, there are still things that will send me into a tailspin. Hearing that my daughter, who resides with her grandmother, thanks to the deep impacts of c-PTSD and landing in jail, has been told to kill herself has triggers me. It’s a new and additional layer of the abusive fears laid on by a narcissistic, evil individual.

It’s taken me years to understand that I can’t dwell in this rabbit hole of nightmares, insomnia, and severe anger. There are always those old trained thoughts that linger inside my head. The ones of guilt that it’s all my fault. It’s difficult to remember that I’m not the one telling someone to kill themselves. It’s difficult to not take on the responsibility of protecting my daughter. Which is extremely difficult to not do.

I have anger issues. I work a lot on emotional control. I also have to work on having normal emotions. I have to work on not taking more responsibility for someone else’s actions. I have to focus hard on what is mine to own and what isn’t. I have to work constantly at not allowing the swing of emotions and triggers to rule my responses.

I’ve worked for 15 years on having better boundaries. Sometimes those boundaries become too high. I’ve had to learn to “re-parent” myself with the assistance of a counselor and a lot of friends. I’ve had to focus on the positives and living life with gratitude and blessings, not letting negatives and pessimism take control. I have some form of therapy that I do every single day.

Life isn’t easy. It’s hard for all of us. Those new to understanding c-PTSD know the true depth of pain, often manifested as physical pain and emotional pain, understand just how hard it is. Those trying to understand what it is probably won’t ever fully grasp the depth of difficulty.

I’m all these years into recovery and I still battle. I am not alone either and I know that. Childhood abuse has deep, lifelong impacts. It impacts life even after the abuses ceased. It impacts relationships, work, self, and just about every facet of your life. There is no simple, easy cure. It takes time, patience and a whole lot of self-love mixed in. Even with all that, it still takes a long time to fully recover. Sometimes, I wonder if recovery will ever be a full recovery.

Just remember, there is no time table. There is help. You aren’t alone. Life can and will get better. I know I sound like some cheerleader or inspirational coach… I’m not. I’m not Tony Robbins. I’m not a therapist. I’m just a woman that lived with more trauma than anyone should ever endure. I struggle. I have swings of good and bad.

In fact, I’m writing because that’s part of MY therapy. To share and journal. To open up and be vulnerable. To trust myself and not care about what anyone “feels” is right or wrong.

I’ll be over here surrounding myself in laughter, love, and self-growth. I’ll be defending those that are like I am. I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to break the cycle and share my testimony. I’ve seen the glory of all that can be. I’ve held crying children in my arms and given them all the love my heart could. I’ve lifted others up and encouraged them to find their true self. I’ve called to others stuck in a rabbit hole and gave them a hand up.

To the survivors, stay strong. Together, we are stronger. More empowered to find victory in our battles over the past.