Dear Daughter — Your have inspired us when our world fell apart in 2020
By: Ateendra Singh
Tags: Motivation, Letter To Daughter, Covid Diaries, Struggle, Letters

A few months before you were born, the world around us imploded. There was misery all around. Lives & jobs were lost over-night. This letter to you is about your family’s struggle, triumphs and losses.

We were still celebrating in March 2020

We just attended your Uncle’s (Chacha) engagement (in Feb) and had begun planning the wedding of the year & of course your arrival. And then,

Pandemic hit us all

Everyone was eager to travel and welcome you in person. But now, it was just us. A few weeks before your birth, your mumma hurt herself while you were swimming in her belly. She could not sit, nor stand for long and was in pain for weeks.

If you get to serve someone/something in life, god has been kind to give you the chance

I took care of her and so did Ayanvita (your sister). She was the “grown up” in a matter of weeks. We braved those days together, somehow as no-one could come.

Business was Tough

When all of this was happening, I faced the toughest professional challenge till date. Our company was at risk of loosing business. We were in an uphill battle for survival and with lockdowns in EU and then US, pushed us to the wall. Bad news floated in everyday and I did not know how to work from home. Business took a hit, salaries took a hit and so did work-life balance.

And my number 1 concern was how do we bring you safely home.

You were born on the 13th of April,2020

This is you!!

And in 1 week, I had to be back to take care of our business caught in whirlwind.

I had everything to loose. When things are falling around, you need a totem (watch Inception) to centre your reality on.

That one thing I can control is self. I focused on my fitness. Even if I loose everything, I will still be healthier me.

With this aim, I started to chip in. I have to admit, being within our cocoon, life was easier. Tanu understood what needs to be done to survive, a skill she has plentiful. You were deprived of blessings from your grandparents, but me and Ayanvita, did the best we could to make a safe haven for ourselves and we were still fine and happy.

This is how everyone welcomed you…

Avi and I played badminton. I used to give you morning massage. Tanu experimented with new food. I exercised regularly. Tanu was recovering from delivery steadily. Avi was settling into online classes. You were chilling out as usual (No wonder your grandpa calls you Chilluu).

And then it fell apart…

You have an uncle you will not meet But you will know him through us.

You & I were there. We both saw our otherwise humble lives slip. It slipped like an avalanche that we could not do anything about it. You should know, at the height of COVID-19, there was a swarm of people who came to pay their respects for your late uncle. He was only 33 and left us on a fateful September eve. People came in 100’s and they came for days, many days. I had never seen hope get shattered in a day, until now. But help comes in all forms. You were one such form. In the loud cries, you would take attention or break the deafening silence with your giggles.

There were some who had stories of hope, who had seen similar storms and emerged, who stood up once again, albeit step by step. You always want more of these people in life.

There were so many who texted their emotions, were silent when they called or were hoping we would speak.

Grief evokes different reactions and I learnt not to judge.

I was not deeply attached to Aman. But it does hurt for your mom is, your grandparents will always be, you — my child, should have been too. Helplessness is when you are asked to reverse this horror by a grieving mother and every other ephemeral success simply does not matter. Truth cuts deeper than sword and this time your grandmother’s questions were unbearable. Because somewhere in her grief she believed I could turn things around.

If only…..

Problem solvers, too are handicapped by fate

For months, I have seem dreamy, tearful eyes staring at the abyss ahead.

There are fewer words to explain what eyes express…

A father, whose dreams will forever be unfulfilled. A mother whose hope was shattered. A sister who is only left with childhood memories and will not make new ones.

You should know, this was also the day you met your grand dad (Dadaji). This is what we call a happy-sad moment. Despite Covid, he came. In his own words

You may choose not to join in moments of joy, but never abandon in moments of sorrow

In the midst of storm, back in Playment, we met our targets. We reversed payments that we promised. We saved our company. We saved our teams from loosing their jobs…. A journey, I am very proud of.

You are born to legacy of iron women in the family. I will never want to see you be weak.

But if you do become weak, remember you have 2 great-grand mothers, one who fought extreme poverty and other battled cancer alone for many years. Both these ladies had a strong daughter each of their generation who sacrificed for the greater good of their children. Your Nani (maternal grandmother) has lived with imperfections around her, always had less than what she wanted but battled it & built her family brick by brick. Your Dadi (paternal grand mother) has strong mind over a body. She escaped death, raised a family and is the most joyful woman battling pains everyday. She has seen people try to diminish her spirit but was never broken, not for a single day, not in front of me. A true flame in the wind.

Do you know why your mom is the strongest of all ? She was shaken, but held her foundation. In the worst of our days, she never forgot to take care of you. She fed you when you cried, even when she could not control her tears. She never forgot to eat because you had to be fed. She took care of everyone around her.

In 2 months, your Chacha (my brother) was to get married. I was not sure if she would come. I could not ask. I told her once —

My brother & sister-in-law will have his own joys and sorrows, we have ours today. We are lucky to influence this most joyous moment and they deserve it, independent of what we are going through.

She understood my view as she always has. She forgot the pain for those 3 days. She danced, she shouldered her responsibilities. And as always, you and I were watching her rally the show. I will always remain indebted to her for her courage and will power.

“Too much pain feels like medicine”

“दर्द का हद से गुज़र जाना है दवा होना”

My grandfather would often use this phrase. If there was any wound waiting to be inflicted on us — was COVID. All of us infected, all of were sick, weaker and we still had to support each other. All of us braved through it for weeks… Your grandmother was beast mode on. She recovered the fastest (along with me ;-)) and was single handedly managing the entire house. Guess you know where your mom gets these skills from.

But your great grand mother’s battle will be long from here and we pray she get the strength to battle this as well. No amount of pain could deter her resolve, but COVID is seeming to be too steep a hill to climb. I also witnessed love & support at a new level. Most of her children are today standing neck in neck with their ailing mother. Maaji, you have done well to bind your family this far in life!

Last week of 2020, your sister was scratched by our home dog. 2 days before the year closing, my first house matron, during my hostel days in Daly College, passed away in an accident. I have had very fond memories of her. I met her 26 yrs ago when I was in class 4 and often treated me secretly with good food when I was homesick

she was my mother away from my mother when I was just learning to tie shoe laces well.

The reason for the section heading is that while I feel bad about the sad news around, I have also turned a little numb.

Now let me complete some of the other events that happened in the year.

It was a Dream Wedding

There were many obstacles. But a lot of strong willed family members and friends came, fighting Covid-19, fighting personal loss, fighting weakening health to gather a few memories. Your dad did not let anyone down. Neither did the guests. We put up a great show together. They came, blessed the couple and we made memories after a very very long time. You have an aunt in the family now!

In the middle of all this, you should know — your dad lost 10kg and wore the same suit, he did 8 yrs ago at this own engagement ceremony.

There was another special moment for you. After 7 months, you finally met your Dadi (paternal grand mom). She had long awaited that day.

It was a Dream Business Turn Around

What I learnt about running business in 5 months, I would not learn in next 5 yrs. Covid-19 allowed more immune people to survive. It was also true for companies. We survived & thrived.

Because we functioned more than a family.

We challenged ourselves, improvised, set new goals.. and achieved them. We could do this because we had team to depend on and management that trusted. The day we met our target I felt like winning the world cup — in an empty stadium.

It was a Dream Health Turn Around

I am fitter, healthier & more disciplined. I train cross-fit, run 10k at will. I have desire to be photographed again and soon I will be pushing you both lazy bags to beat your dad.

We will celebrate again

Your mom never misses a moment to capture. This is the only good picture of our complete family in the past 6 months. But I assure you, we will make more memories in years to come.

Your mom and I quietly completed 8 yrs together…

We will celebrate your first birthday soon!!

Dear Idhika, you are only 8 months old now. A lot has happened around you in 2020. Let’s pick ourselves up now in the new year. Someday, we will again have sad days ahead and we will never be prepared to face them. But we can choose to remain capable to cope.

You and I will have a lifelong job at hand. We have to shovel a lot of happiness in these voids and make memories. I will need help and I trust you will be around. Keep doing what you do today, keep crying | giggling | learn to crawl | walk someday | be cranky | stay curious | give us hugs and kisses |