Are we forever bound to our childhood?
By: Tiffany Sanya
Tags: Relationships, Life Lessons, Psychology, Life, Self Improvement

They say that adulthood is an extension of our childhood experiences.

In this way, an early tragic episode can stay with us for years and continue to influence us much later in life.

Mine was the passing away of my mum when I was nine. And despite my denial over the years, I can see that I have only started making significant progress in recovering from the emotional scars that it left.

My initial failure to resolve the loss impacted my ability to carve successful intimate relationships.

The psychologist John Bowlby- defined this as the “attachment re-organization” theory, where people with unresolved trauma transition towards attachment security based on their interpretation of the experience.

Emotional wounds and imbalances

Our emotional profile is invariably a response to something in the past.

We all know that this is a list without end.

A matter of cause and effect.

Dismissive parents will likely lead to emotional avoidance.

An overprotective childhood inspires timidity and the inability to manage complex circumstances.

An early environment marked by financial unreliability can spark a need to overcompensate with money and social status

And the loss in my case?

Insecure attachment. More specifically anxious-avoidant.

I mentioned in a previous article how I had struggled to accept the love of my boyfriend’s family.

My early onset of self-reliance has at times bordered on the toxic belief that those I let in will eventually abandon me.

So through the lens of “false autonomy” I had learned to pull away whenever anyone got too close and equally crave attachment from those who were emotionally distant.

We can change.

The danger is that if not careful, we will continue to remain loyal to the early difficult years.

It takes resilience to therefore resist the pull of the past, and turn away from what has become our default responses.

And it begins with…

Self- awareness

The point where we recognise the impact our childhood has on us. Understanding the why and how, opens us opportunities for growth.

My epiphany came at age 26 after a major heartbreak caused me to reflect on my attachment tendencies. I had chosen to get close to someone had very early on displayed emotional detachment.

Change our reactions

A process of separating the past from the present by allowing our adult self to intervene. As children we would have lacked the innate capacity to grasp what may be the best responses thus resorting to under or overreactions.

But as adults we can shed those impulses and instead learn to communicate with clarity.

I know deep down that I want to love and be loved so I ensure that my actions reflect that desire. And when I fear that someone is getting too close, I can communicate my anxieties rather than simply running away.

Consciously choose who or what we want to become.

We are not bound to becoming a product of our environment.

With this in mind, we have the power to envision the type of person we wish to become and take small steps everyday towards realising it.

Our childhood will forever be a part of us but we can choose the interpretation that we allow to unravel.