Living With My Mental Health
By: Nymph Blood
Tags: Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Coping Mechanisms, Mental Health, PTSD

My name is Justina, I was born July 10, 1996. I was born a month early. I have few different mental illnesses. I have Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar type, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD (Posttraumatic-Stress Disorder)(Civilian) ,and ADHD. I’ve also been diagnosed with mental retardation severity unspecific. And I believe I am on the spectrum of Autism. But I am undiagnosed as of the moment. I will talk to a counselor as soon as I get one. I have recently moved and am waiting for my Primary Care Doctor to schedule appointment with one.

Schizoaffective is a type of Schizophrenia but along with the symptoms of Schizophrenia (Hallucination or Delusions) you also have symptoms of a mood disorder, such as mania and depression. Mine is Schizoaffective Bipolar type. Hallucinations-seeing or hearing things that aren’t there. Delusions- false fixed beliefs that are held regardless of contradictory evidence. It can be hard diagnose because it has symptoms of both schizophrenia and ether depression or bipolar disorder.

Depression is more than feeling sad or going through a rough patch. Symptom include change in sleep, change in appetite, lack of concentration and of interest in activities, loss of energy, hopelessness or guilty thoughts, change in movement, physical aches and pains, suicidal thoughts.

Anxiety is an intense fear and distress that is overwhelming and prevent us from doing everyday activities. There are two type of symptoms emotional and physical symptoms. Emotional symptoms include feelings of apprehension or dread, feeling tense or jumpy, restlessness or irritability, and anticipating the worst and being watchful for signs of danger. Physical symptoms include pounding or racing heart and shortness of breath, sweating, tremors, and twitches, headaches, fatigue, and insomnia, upset stomach, and frequent urination or diarrhea.

PTSD(Posttraumatic Stress Disorder) Is caused by Traumatic events. While most people will have short term responses to life threating events some will develop longer term symptoms that can lead to PTSD. Symptoms include Re-experiencing type symptoms, Avoidance, Cognitive and mood symptoms, Arousal symptoms.

ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Is a condition in which is characterized by inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. Symptoms include inattention, hyperactivity , impulsivity symptoms. Inattention symptoms include being easily distracted and jumping from activity to activity. Becoming bored with task quickly. Difficulty focusing attention or completing a single task quickly. Losing things. Not listening or paying attention when spoken to. Daydreaming or wandering with lack of motivation. Hyperactivity Symptoms include fidgeting and squirming, having trouble siting still. Non-stop talking. Touching or playing with everything. Difficulty doing quiet task or activities. Impulsivity include impatience. Acting whiteout regard for consequences, blurting things out. Difficulty taking turns, waiting, or sharing. And Interrupting others.

I live every day fighting with my own mind. I am a mess .I have high and I have lows. Each day is a new surprise as I never know what personality i will see today. My husband will never need another one I have enough personality for him. Just put in a request.

Schizoaffective is always fun to deal with I have a split personality. I quite frequently argue with the voices in my head it when there quite that I worry. My moods are always all over the place on minute I’m happy the next for no reason what so ever I am mad. I frequently see things that are not there. Luckily unlike quite a few of my fifteen siblings I don’t partake in weed or alcohol. (Controversial statement ahead) I hit a bung once with my sister and her then boyfriend. It made me hallucinate more. But it did relaxes me and made me giggly but will never do it again that is just my choice I am not here to judge. As for the alcohol I do not drink because I take psychiatric medicines and medicine for my heart.

There is time when my Depression acts up. I get really low and do not feel like doing anything I will lay in bed and just stare at the ceiling. It can last any where from a few day to a few weeks. At these time I do at time compliant self harm more for the fact to feel something besides numbness than to kill myself. It is a sore topic when I was living with my dad because he is not a believer in mental illnesses. Say it all in my head. Which I know that what makes it so bad and dangerous my own mind is fighting against me.

Anxiety is always fun to deal with to. I hate new situations. I do not like going in to place I have never been. I do not like talking to new people in fact I do not like talking to people I know most days. I can not stand when it to quite it grates my nerves. Down below I will discuss my coping methods. I take anxiety medicine three time a day just to keep me going.

My PTSD comes from being sexually assaulted as a child. This is the reason I consider my self asexually. I do not like being touched in any type of sexual way. I do not kiss or anything. I have a room completely different from my husband and my own bed. I have problems with being touched. And have frequent flash backs and nightmares. I am luck enough to have a husband who is not interested in any sexual situation and does not mind my quirks.

ADHD likes to real it head a lot to. I want to move to do something. I start task and I never finish them. I have at least a dozen different story I start to write just to lose my train of thought. I paste around my house contently. It especially fun on days I don't want to move.

I have different coping methods I use to get by with life. I have to always have my headphones with me. I constantly play music when ever I’m in a quite place. I use different genres to help settle different moods. If I’m nervous I will listen to something quite and soft to relax my nerves. If I’m upset I will listen to something with strong emotional feeling in it. If I’m mad I will listen to something loud with a strong beat and intense lyrics. I have to always have my phone with me to give me something to do when I become unconfutable if it’s just scrolling threw my hundreds of picture. It also the devise with all my music on it. I don’t mean to seam rude it just my coping method. I also have a strong sense of paranoia of the dark oh and mirrors. I do not like being in the dark it creeps me out. I am twenty-two years old and I can not sleep with out a light on. (Another thing that always annoyed my father.) I have tried multiple times to try and sleep without light but it sends me into a panic attack. I can not do it. While we are on the subject of paranoia I don't like mirrors ether. Just something about them rub me the wrong way. May be that I see my own refection and I see the darkness with in my own eyes. My twisted thought, my madding believes , my mental scars, and my inner fears. Who knows I sure don’t. I also use reading to escape for a few bitter sweet minute I am lost in someone else story I don't have to reflect on my own. I sleep with a stuff rabbit gifted to me by my grandfather at times to. The need to cling to something but not wanting the physical touch of another human.

This is my everyday struggle.

Justina