My Ayahuasca Journey — A Life Changing Experience In South Africa
By: Ruoall Chapman
Tags: Ayahuasca Experience, Beyourself, South Africa, Ayahuasca Retreats, Ayahuasca Ceremony

*Disclaimer — No names shall be mentioned in this article to protect the integrity of those involved. This includes the Shamans

Wow, where do I start with this Ayahuasca experience…

My whole life I’ve felt like a wandering, lost soul. Questioning everything, looking for the answer to pretty much any and every divine and not so divine related question.

Having almost become a shell of myself and feeling a sense of abandonment (as if my childhood experience wasn’t enough) from everyone’s favourite being, God.

Living in my head, over analysing everything, but never really getting what my soul needed. I grew up Methodist only to be moved over to the NG Church (Nederduits Gereformeerde Church for those of you who aren’t familiar with this sect).

I’ve both hated and loved God during my journey on this earth. Never really feeling that warm fuzzy feeling that, oh so many, other people were feeling.

Now, one thing I do believe is that things happen for a reason and without boring you to death with my life story, the long and the short of it all is that when I heard about Ayahuasca, I needed to explore more.

See, I was the type of person who would challenge anybody who was a Christian only to, in retrospect, boost my own ego and to feel better about myself. I mean, if I didn’t experience what they were experiencing, it must be bullshit. Right?

Nevertheless, after doing some research on Ayahuasca and after many failed attempts to actually join a ceremony, the universe conspired FOR me actually by sending a bunch of different people on my path.

Now, at the time, little did I know how small the world ACTUALLY is. This group of total strangers somehow had connections with each other which just further proved to me that it was my calling to go on this scary journey.

The time came, and I took the plunge. I was going down the rabbit hole that is/was Ayahuasca. I gathered all the information and made my booking. At first only 2 nights, but then after some more research (over-analysing, remember), I decided that I might as well go big or go home. I booked an extra night. The gala was on.

Leading up to the whole weekend felt like forever. My time was coming, and I just couldn’t wait. Excited. I was shitting myself.

I should just say that initially, I wanted to go to Peru for a more “authentic” Ayahuasca experience, but after this past weekend, I’m glad I didn’t and I’ll explain why in a moment.

I was sent a whole list of do’s and don’ts along with contraindications to the medicine. Things like:

Avoiding any type of pork product.

Strong spices and chilli.

Avoiding any sexual activity (self-love included).

No alcohol or drugs.

The “Dieta” (a Spanish word that means — simply enough — “diet.”) has to be respected when doing Ayahuasca.

None of which was an issue for me, however, and not that it was prohibited, my crazy ass mind got in the way, and I stopped coffee as well. This was the worst for me — but I digress…

Friday morning came and not really knowing what to pack, I started anyway for the weekend away, very close to where I live in Centurion.

Now, being a bit of a loner, I was going at this alone and hadn’t really known anyone there… which didn’t really help my already nervous state of mind.

Eventually, I got to the location, right next to the Hennops River which was absolutely gorgeous. The perfect place and environment for tripping your balls off. I was a bit early. 6 hours early in fact — which just dragged it out even more for me.

Unpacked, ready to rock & roll and the people starting rocking up. 2 then 2 more, then 4, later 6 and so on.

We ended up being around 22–24 people (didn’t really count) who all turned out to be the most fantastic bunch of people I have met in a long time.

Jumping ahead, the ceremony is about to start, and we’re all sitting inside the Maloka (“Maloka” is an indigenous word for “house” or “cabin” used by certain Colombian indigenous peoples).

The nerves really started kicking in, and I just remember reminding myself to focus on my intentions — what I wanted out of this experience — and not any expectations.

Shaman #1 and Shaman #2 entered the room and started setting up. Like little children — we were all sitting in anticipation (well at least I was), waiting for the proceedings to begin.

Now, apparently around 90% of the people there had already done Ayahuasca before and kinda knew what to expect, but that’s beside the point…

Shaman #1 opened by welcoming everyone. Laying down the rules and saying a beautiful Spanish prayer (or at least I hope it was LOL).

This was around 20:30 ish and the first dose of the magical medicine was about to be served.

Only a little bit to kind of get you going, but not enough to make you wish you were at home instead — watching the last episode of Grey’s Anatomy (yes she dies #notreally… #ordoesshe).

Half an hour passes with us just getting comfortable and meditating. Well, I say “meditating”, but it was more a sense of getting to grips with what was about to happen. Shaman #1 and Shaman #2 say more stuff in Spanish.

Time for the second dose. Each one of us has to go up to them to receive the brew. I go up, and he blows over the shot glass… again to bless it I presume.

Hardly anything was given to me, and I thought great… because Ayahuasca is anything but pleasant. Someone explained to me that it tastes like Ponchos (Coffee Tequila) and she wasn’t far off. Poncho Tequila with a SHIT-TON of Epsom Salts mixed in is more like it.

I go back to my spot and wait. The candles are blown out, and the Shamans start with the Icaros. Let me spare you from Googling the term…

Icaro (Quechua: ikaro) is a South American indigenous colloquialism for magic or alchemy or any esoteric modality by which an experienced user can channel their energy to manifest their will. Today, this term is commonly used to describe the medicine songs performed in vegetal ceremonies, especially by shamans in ayahuasca ceremonies to induce a profound state of healing, awareness or amazement.

…BASICALLY JUST BEAUTIFUL WHISTLING AND SINGING.

After quite some time of not experiencing anything, my body started feeling butterflies. I was elated as shit was about to go down, but alas. Nothing. Nada. Fokkol.

Now I start to panic because I’m NOT experiencing anything. My mind starts racing, and I start expecting and over analysing. This — by the way — is the worst thing you can do while on Ayahuasca as you need to just give yourself over to the process.

…I didn’t.

I would imagine about 2 hours went by with beautiful prayers and whistling, etc. Still nothing. Not even a fart…

We get a call to go for our 3rd dose (for those who wanted — it’s by no means a forced thing). Of course, I got up as I needed to experience something. Anything dammit. I drink the horrible tasting stuff and go lay down again. Waiting. Hoping.

Again, nothing…

Shaman #1 and Shaman #2 leave the room and music start playing. Lovely music for around the next 30min — 1 hour I guess.

By this time, I’m almost falling asleep waiting and have to consciously keep myself awake not to “miss anything”. Aahh, the ignorance as Ayahuasca doesn’t let you miss much. Again, overthinking is par for the course in Ruoall’s life.

The ceremony ends, and we have the opportunity to share our “amazing” experiences — or not.

People start sharing, and quite a few said that — they too — didn’t experience anything. My turn came up, and my heart was almost beating out of my chest.

I don’t like public speaking; however, I thought, fuck it, we’re here to be open and honest with each other, especially with ourselves, so I shared.

I could only muster up disappointment and what was most likely anger towards God, the divine and Ayahuasca. Everyone was quiet, and afterwards, I felt like utter shit for pretty much spoiling a beautiful experience for most of my fellow Aya experiencers (is that even a word?), or whatever you wanna call them.

This was about 2 am in the morning, and some of us went outside to have a smoke and talk about our experiences. I of course, just complained about NOT experiencing anything.

My new friends explained how it all works and that sometimes nothing happens. It’s all part of the journey.

I felt better. Went back to bed (well, something that sort of resembled a bed as I was way underprepared compared to the experienced Ayahuasca practitioners).

God, this article is getting way too long, and I’m not even at the juicy stuff yet. Do bear with me as it will get better. Pinky promise.

Oh, and some of my intentions were things like:

Ayahuasca, show me who I’ve become.

Help me understand my depression.

What’s my purpose?

Why the high walls around me?

Where has the happiness in my life gone?

Why do I tend to push away those that love me?

Making peace with the past.

Is there a God?

Self Love (erm, not the kind of self-love I referred to above #justsaying)

Expand my consciousness.

I didn’t want to overthink this too much — besides it being my first experience — and I had no idea or frame of reference to work from.

The sun came up, and we could only break our fast at 10 am that morning with a piece of Lemon. We were all starving the night before already so this felt worse than having a peppermint flavoured suppository shoved up your ass.

SERIOUSLY…

We had a beautiful breakfast. Fruits and scrambled eggs and whole wheat bread and so on. The rest of the day was open to whatever we felt like doing, and so most people just chilled outside while others caught up on some valuable sleep and “me time”.

The showers were all outside and under that trees. Absolutely stunning being able to stand under a tree, naked (naturally), with warm water being fed from a donkey boiler (and no, not a real donkey being boiled). Again, let’s explore this phenomenon…

…A donkey Boiler is a water-heating system for domestic use, consisting of a drum of water mounted above a fire. You’re welcome.

Moving on, the evening finally approached, and we all huddled together in the Maloka again. This time, I’m determined to at least get something out of it. Even if it were just stomach cramps.

Not going to bore you with the whole setup and Ayahuasca process again. You’re an expert by now.

Night #2 started.

Again, the night started off slow, but after the 2nd dose (which was huge btw… Thanks for that Shaman #1), it felt like a blanket or a veil of protection was put over me.

From there I was thrown into this astonishing world full of the most stunningly vivid colours made up of geometric shapes. God, I wish I could draw because this stuff is incredibly beautiful and words just do not do it justice.

Anyhoo. Like a rollercoaster through intense, what I can only describe as unimaginable beauty.

All of a sudden — in the distance — there was what resembled a female figure. Dressed in a green robe (almost like the one Arrow wears. Don’t ask), with her back to me. Glancing over. Smiling gently.

Then the most beautiful forest green Boa (snake) head appeared. Unquestionably female with beautiful markings around its eyes. Looking at me with soft Sincerity. Love. Calmness. Kindness.

She smiled at me. Again, benevolently and lovingly.

At that moment, I started to feel sick, and while fighting it at first, the Icaros in the background just intensified it so much for me that I couldn’t resist. I purged for the first time (puked people, puked).

…It felt like a release. Like all the vilest, deepest, darkest shit had come out.

The Icaros grew louder, almost sonorous and then I saw as if being lit up by a light in complete darkness, what I purged. Boiling. Bubbling. The taste was almost sweet. Dare I say pleasant even.

My bucket — a stainless steel ice bucket — then turned red and as though like going through a spinning red vortex, all the sick was whisked away.

While, what felt like puking a lung out, the gentle Boa was still there. Still smiling at me. As if to say, it’s ok, you’re being healed, my child.

What did come up over and over though was something reminding me to breathe. Just breathe. Deep long breaths.

I feel that the lesson here was that we just never really stop to actually breathe. Something so pure and simple that grounds us, we take for granted.

Everything felt like it was intensified by 100 after the purge. It felt amazing. Almost too intense in some cases — if that even makes sense.

I felt love and gratitude like never before. I could not stop saying thank you to Ayahuasca, to God, to the universe, to everything for allowing me to experience such intense beauty. Somehow though, it just didn’t feel enough (saying thank you).

Things started calming down after a while, and I just laid there taking it all in. Listening to the lovely Icaros — not wanting it to stop.

This was after my 2nd dose, which was warm and not too bad, to be honest. Shaman #1 and Shaman #2 started calling people up who needed healing done. I was second in line.

A little backstory to this…

During that particular day, I had a private session with Shaman #1 and Shaman #2 to try and determine what could be done to help me with my emotional baggage.

I was told that it’s as if a big black balloon was tied to the back of my neck, following me wherever I went. We were going to break this curse.

Back to that evening… I could hardly stand up. I had to crawl over, almost leopard crawling to them. Imagine seeing a praying mantis walk. One step, wobble wobble. Second step, wobble wobble. You get the picture.

My healing was about to start. So Shaman #1 gave me my 3rd dose, and I was told to sit in front of The Master Shaman. I was asked to say my full name 3 times.

Icaros were sung, none of which made any sense to me, however, I could feel the spiritual power.

Shaman #2 spoke to Shaman #1, and I was told that this wicked energy over me, was intense. But that they will defeat it that night. Shaman #2 placed his hands on my head and put some liquid over my head.

It actually felt like it was burning my face while dripping down the side of my cheeks.

ALL DONE — THE 3RD DOSE IN — I WENT TO LIE DOWN.

This is where I started to feel all kinds of emotion. My body started convulsing and shuddering from here on out. I must say though that I was still in a state of euphoria.

Tears just started flowing. Non-stop. Tears of joy, love, empathy, gratitude, joy, appreciation, healing and more.

The girl next to me was having a hard time. Purging without stop and it was as if our energies connected. My body would shake furiously with her throwing up.

Such a vivid, strange yet amazingly beautiful experience. Nothing could fuck this up for me that night.

At one point I was kneeling down as if praying. I kneel to nobody (the ego says); however, I was being humbled by the experience I was allowed to go through.

Saying thank you about a million times just didn’t seem to cut it. This was profound shit. Seriously profound.

The Shamans and some people started dancing which, yet again, intensified the experience. The dancing was apparently a rare occasion and only occurred when powerful shit was happening.

I guess this was my lucky night.

Someone else was playing the rainmaker in the background which was just as incredible.

After a while I found myself lying on my stomach, with my head where my feet used to be. Never stopping shaking.

The emotions were indescribable. At one point I even started writing randomly on a piece of paper while it being pitch dark.

Looking at it now, it’s a mess and hard to decipher, but one significant theme remained, and that was:

Love

Beauty

Gratitude

Thank You

“Rays of light, from the heart of the universe.”

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would get the opportunity to experience this.

The girl next to me started freaking out, literally thinking that she was going to die once the sharing part of the ceremony began. It was hard to see, but also humbling to experience the power of this incredible plant.

On to Day #3…

Day 3 was incredible as I was still on a high from the night before. I did sleep a lot though. My every being was drained from the previous night’s experience.

Oh — I got some reading done as well — but sleep raised its hand more often in this proverbial class. Hard to ignore that little fucker.

Night number 3 approached and I was super excited coming from what can only be described as the best experience of my life. Night number 3 had its work cut out.

On this day, most of the previous people who did the Friday and Saturday evenings had left, only to be replaced by even more people. Fresh new faces coming to experience the magic of this marvellous plant.

There were more of us than the previous night, which was weird considering that the next day was a Monday.

The night started off well. This time we were squashed in a little bit more than before due to the influx of new faces.

LET’S GET INTO IT.

This experience was dark. Depressing. Sad. Lonely. Hell.

My healing continued, and boy was it tough. In fact the complete opposite of my wondrous experience the night before.

The geometric world presented itself again. All I was hoping for and imagining was what I had experienced the day before, but alas.

I was “welcomed” into a geometric world again. This time, full of dull colours. Olive tones. Mustard tones. Geometric shapes quickly turned to mosaic. Sharp. Hard. Not pretty at all.

Emotionless faces swirling around, with eyes staring deep into, what felt like the depths of my soul. My essence. All I was hoping for at this point was to see that beautiful forest green Boa with her gentle smile and loving eyes. Instead… other snakes appeared.

Being scared of snakes, made this all the more terrifying to me.

They were swirling all over and around me. At some point, through me. I remember seeing one particular “face”. Another snake, but with mosaic patterns over its face.

Almost male like. Staring at me. With nothing but emptiness. No sentiment. Colours of the mosaic became white, blue and grey. Which doesn’t seem all that bad in hindsight.

The purging started. Unlike the beautiful purging previously experienced, this was like puking into a drain. Slimy, dark and ominous — Almost like a prison in hell.

At the bottom was this “drain” was a creature, an entity, a thing. The closest resemblance I could compare it to was Ursula from the Little Mermaid (oh the analogies). But instead of octopus tentacles, this thing, this creature had vine-like, pointy-headed snakes for a body.

Snakes, horrible, evil, slimy snakes started coming out my mouth and every being, down this gutter. This drain. All while this Ursula-looking motherfucker was laughing at me.

For the next few moments, I was lying on glass. Almost as if there was this chamber of sorts underneath me. More snakes, but this time thick, black, dark snakes just coiling over and around one another. I could not see their heads or faces. Only their coiling fat bodies.

During all this, I didn’t really feel scared. I did, however, feel tremendous sadness and vulnerability. Things starting quietening down and I felt a sense of relief. Not long lived though as I was thrown into — what I can only describe as — hell.

The only way I can describe this is it was like being inside and right at the bottom of a massive, glowing red volcano. Above me, towering over this “underworld” was an altar of sorts. Maybe even a throne.

Not the pretty kind.

Behind this “altar” was this, I would say, dog-like dark silhouette. The edges of the walls leading up were sharp. Jagged. Deadly.

…I guess if you had washing, you could just hook it on. You know what I mean.

All of a sudden, a bright light appeared right at the top of this hellish place. It slowly started moving in, pushing the darkness away. My heart began to race and just as I thought this nightmare was over, boom… I was shown the side of a cliff.

I do have to say though that when the light started coming in, I began to say thank you. Actually, during this whole shitty experience, I still felt a sense of gratitude. Weird thing this Ayahuasca.

Back to the cliff. Dark clouds surrounding it. What comes to mind is a scene from a movie where the demonic, evil villain would live. This time a female energy.

Almost Grim Reaper in appearance with her long, dark (I’m using dark a lot — I just realised), flowing, yet knife-like robe pointing into a vortex of sorts. A whirlwind filled with light towards the bottom of this cliff.

This “Grim Reaper” then flashed, what seemed like a kid’s room to me. Full of toys, but no child. As if showing me, what I missed as a little boy. I seemed to have forgotten to be a child. I lost my happiness growing older.

In retrospect, I see the beauty in this message, but at the time it was sad as fuck!

I forgot to mention that my body never stopped convulsing. From the pits of my solar plexus and pelvic area. In some cases, my chin and neck also shook and went into spasms. Not pleasant if I’m honest.

At that moment, I was called up by Shaman #1 to receive another healing. More of a blessing from the healing done the night before. I sat down and started shaking even worse.

Losing all control over my body. Again, I had to say my full name 3 times. The blessing/healing came to an end, and as I looked up, Shaman #1 looked like a giant.

The whole Maloka turned into this, almost clinical, perfect and futuristic spaceship. Well, the inside of it anyway. I saw these 2 matriarchal, slender entities on both sides of me.

Every person in the room seemed to have been in on this. Everyone, pitch black, sitting up and staring at me with white glowing eyes. As if in front of a council.

MY ASS BEING JUDGED.

I got the hell up from there and went to lie down again. Things started calming down. However, this didn’t last long as incredible sadness and depression filled my every being.

I saw myself alone on a raft, somewhere dark and depressing (see a theme here?). Looking over an edge. An edge into the abyss of nothing.

Out of nowhere, one of the ladies in the group (marvellous soul she is), a Sangoma (Traditional Healer), started channelling — what I can only presume was here ancestors. Baboons, Predators, Snakes and the like. It sounded like she stood up, hissing like those little bastards.

…Goddamn snakes again. Ugh.

Needless to say, this scared the bejesus out of me. I mean this was the last thing I expected while being a bad trip and all.

In retrospect, her experience kinda shook me out of my own for a moment — which I was thankful for. Funny how this stuff works…

The traditional part of the ceremony came to an end, and the most beautiful music started playing, but even that was a hard pill to swallow. I just kept my eyes closed and went with it.

Things took a turn for what seemed to be slightly better, however short-lived it turned out to be.

As if watching a movie, which I also played the lead in, I was teleported to a restaurant. It felt Spanish in a way. I saw the most beautiful exotic-type woman. She was a waitress and I the patron.

She would, in her shyness, smile at me and I would reciprocate. As if by the snap of a finger, we were in each other’s arms, laughing, playing and joking on a beach. Then running through the most beautiful fields covering luminescent green rolling hills. Hand in hand.

We spoke over, what seemed to be “Skype”. No words — almost telepathically. Just as a smile started forming out of the corners of my lips, loss, tragedy, sadness and loneliness befell me.

I started sobbing like never before. Warm tears running all over my depressed mug.

She just kept smiling through this invisible “wall”, tilting her head as if to say, “Don’t be sad“. Both beautiful as well as astonishingly sad.

This had me thinking for a couple days after and it became clear to me that the message behind this tragic “love story” was that I need to be more open to love and beauty in the world.

I don’t believe that I “met my future wife” through this incredibly intricate web of the divine, but that it was deeper than that.

Right before the night came to an end, I had another rapid experience. I found myself wanting to get up… walk into the middle of the Maloka, lie down right underneath the, almost gothic-like, candle chandelier and start dancing. Just slow, deliberate, passionate movement.

Something like this…

Very strange, I know, but maybe it’s another lesson as I do love sing and dance (don’t judge me).

The night came to an end, and everybody had their opportunity to share their beautiful (or not) experiences. If they so chose.

It was my turn after what seemed like forever, and unlike the night before, I politely declined to share. I kept my morbidity to myself — Not wanting to put a damper on those that have actually experienced heartfelt beauty.

Having experienced what I experienced this night was one thing. But what hit me the hardest was how I felt afterwards.

After all was said and done, I just sat there. A feeling of — this is going to be my future from now on — rushed over me like a dark veil of impending, ever-lasting mourning.

A life of depressed sadness, with a sprinkle of loneliness for good measure. It was the worst.

I couldn’t take it and went up to Shaman #1 to explain to him how I was feeling. I was met with “just let it happen. It’s part of the healing process”.

I guess he was right and so I went back to my little spot of horror…

At that moment, it felt as if literally everyone in the room was in love and truly, deeply happy… Except for me. I had never experienced loneliness like this before. I would not wish that feeling on my worst enemy. It was shit.

Out of the blue, and from across the room, these 2 beautiful souls (you know who you are) walked over to me. Sat down and just hugged me. It was beautiful and just what I needed at that moment.

Thank you to those 2 amazing people for that little gesture that made the world of a difference.

We went outside, chatted until 4 am around a fire all while still processing what the hell just happened to me. Life slowly started becoming beautiful again.

All I can say is that Ayahuasca definitely has left an incredibly lasting experience in my life. Sure it wasn’t all sunshine and roses. It was more relatable to one hell of a rollercoaster with its incredible highs and insidious lows.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank every single person with whom I had the utmost pleasure of sharing this experience with. To the 2 most amazing leaders — the shamans — for their incredible wisdom and guidance.

To the people who cooked all the yummy food (vegetarian btw… which I’m absolutely not) and to our amazing host.

THANK YOU ALL!

Taking Ayahuasca is no joke. I’ll be honest. It shouldn’t be taken lightly, but it should sure as shit be taken.

It will, without a shadow of a doubt, change you as a person. I feel like a new person.

Thank You Ayahuasca, for being the conduit that allowed me to start living again.

The time came, and I took the plunge. I was going down the rabbit hole that is/was Ayahuasca. I gathered all the information and made my booking. At first only 2 nights, but then after some more research (over-analysing, remember), I decided that I might as well go big or go home. I booked an extra night. The gala was on.

Leading up to the whole weekend felt like forever. My time was coming, and I just couldn’t wait. Excited. I was shitting myself.

I should just say that initially, I wanted to go to Peru for a more “authentic” Ayahuasca experience, but after this past weekend, I’m glad I didn’t and I’ll explain why in a moment.