Is it Just Me?
By: Taylor Roark
Tags: Men, Equinox, Loneliness, Balance, Conversations

Image credit: Jakob Owens (Unsplash)

Last week, I was feeling sad, isolated and sluggish. For several days I assumed it was just me, particularly in these isolated times. We are still in full lockdown here in the UK and I live on my own.

But over the last couple days, I’ve had conversations with a number of people that helped me realise that it wasn’t just me. On Saturday, I celebrated the Spring Equinox with a few friends around a fire. I was physically there but I wasn’t very emotionally or spiritually present. It was only a day or two later that I registered the malaise and disconnection that others were feeling. I heard it, but it didn’t initially register for me.

Last night, I had the privilege of joining a men’s circle online. Even a few hours before it started, I was feeling closed off and questioning whether to join. Isolation and not wanting to participate is a common defense mechanism that I use when I don’t want to be vulnerable. I think that I’m not safe, that I’ll be exposed and ridiculed, so the easy and reactive thing for me is to shut down.

I’ve come to learn that this is an entry point for me — to enquire whether there is a legitimate reason to not do something or whether I am just using an old defensive pattern that doesn’t really serve me. Yesterday, it was clear to me that it was the latter. So I joined the meeting and brought the truth of how I was feeling into the circle.

The beauty of a well-facilitated men’s circle is that all of you is welcome and there is no judgment. So I shared what I was feeling and every other man just listened. Nobody tried to fix or placate me. Then, as other men spoke of their own recent struggles with various matters, I suddenly did not feel so alone anymore.

Earlier today, I spoke to a friend who is usually very focused and active in her work. She spoke of feeling tired and frustrated with a lot of her projects. I started to wonder whether the Equinox and the astronomical start of Spring had had some macro effect on so many people.

I don’t pay too much attention to whether Saturn is returning or Mercury is in retrograde but I do believe that we are intimately connected with Earth’s seasons. The way I look at it — we are born on this planet; it is the only thing our species and all life as we know it has ever experienced; the Earth undoubtedly goes through significant changes throughout the seasons; how could we NOT be affected?

In our human-created systems, particularly with modern technology, we are so used to immediate and often monumental change. We expect it, we crave it and we can feel like failures if we don’t achieve it. But that is not how things happen in Nature. Sometimes a young tree or plant will shoot up dramatically, seemingly overnight, or a major storm will cause havoc. Just as frequently, however, it may look like nothing much at all is changing in the natural world.

Maybe all that is needed is to just be with how things are, rather than constantly fighting against where we are and striving for something else. I am all for having goals and making plans but there is great value in stopping to breath, being honest with and honouring where we are.

We can choose for something else to be or to occur but trying to force it is likely to cause stress, strain and possibly disaster. There is a great opportunity to listen to what our bodies and our other senses are telling us — what they are guiding us to hear. Sometimes, it’s enough just to pause and see what’s really happening before getting back to that task. It’s also okay to reach out to someone and share how you are feeling, without needing to fix or resolve it — just to acknowledge it.