Is There Room for Stay-At-Home-Moms in the Feminist Movement?
By: Mindy Morgan Avitia
Tags: Family, Parenting, Feminism, Motherhood, Women

Is There Room for Stay-At-Home-Moms in the Feminist Movement?

Changing diapers instead of smashing the patriarchy

Photo by Gabrielle Rocha Rios on Unsplash

Picture it. Mindy circa 2012, a new art school graduate, living in NYC with a big ambition to travel the world and tell stories.

If you would have told that bright-eyed and ambitious girl that in 2020, she’d be living in Austin in a small ranch-style home, married with a daughter; she would have laughed at the ludicrousy.

I’ve written quite a bit about feminism before I was a mom. When I was pregnant, I was convinced that my daughter would see both her dad and me go to work, both contributing equally to the life we’re building through mutual meals cooked, rooms cleaned, and laundry done. I didn’t think bringing her into the world would change any of this. I thought we’d both be working and parenting at equal capacities.

Then COVID-19 happened in tandem with the birth of our daughter and a slight professional existential crisis (that I’m still navigating). The pandemic and the birth of our daughter intersected in ways that have profoundly changed our lives, and I’m still understanding what that means for me and for my small family.

Since I can remember, I’ve claimed the label feminist. I’ve had a long journey as to what that term means and I believed in my core that feminism meant women should choose the life that most empowers them.

The birth experience and motherhood have been two extremely empowering experiences for me. So why then, do I feel like I’m betraying my fellow feminists?

Perusing Medium publications with the tag feminism there’s a lot about body positivity, sexuality, relationships, careers, and overall self-inspiring stories. What there seems to be lacking is the intersection of women’s empowerment and family life.

What is this invisible barrier between women who choose to not have kids and women who choose to do so? We tout acceptance and choice, yet constantly both sides feel harshly judged by the other. Early on in my pregnancy, I thought that I’d lose friends who weren’t interested in kids, I thought we’d disappear into the abyss of diapers, breastmilk, and naps never to be seen again.

But what really happens is much more nuanced. From our friends without kids, there’s (obviously) little understanding of what new parenthood is like. Even when we say it won’t change us, it does. Our sleep-deprived days are driven by nap schedules and feeding times, not to mention leaving the house takes exponentially more effort than ever before.

I understand that second-wave feminism was about getting women out of the house and into careers. Gloria Steinem and Shirley Chisholm gave us an opportunity we never thought we could have before: the right to our bodies, the right to work, the right to be ourselves outside of the house without a man.

But what if inside the house, with a baby, is empowering? What if motherhood offers us the freedom to live the life we wanted? This journey of motherhood has been interesting and not at all what I’d expect it to be.

I’m writing more than I ever have.

I’ve had more joy in my life than ever before.

I feel an unfamiliar, yet comforting sense of purpose

I feel confident not in my ability to mother, but to love her unconditionally

I feel like me.

But then, a wave of anxiety washes over me. What am I doing? Surely this isn’t enough for me. If there is no monetary value to my life, am I even worthy?

When did I learn that the only value I bring is through money? Was it feminism?

I come from a line of working mothers. Even my husband comes from a line of hardworking mothers who’ve built careers and businesses all while mothering. If I’m not doing both then how can I truly feel empowered?

Cue existential crisis.

I’m reminded that feminism is about the choice to be ourselves in any way that empowers. I just never imagined, in a million years, that motherhood would offer such beautiful empowerment and confidence in me.