Sitting in Darkness
By: G.Z. Andrade Booker
Tags: Self-awareness, Reflections, Prison, Ego, Self

Photo by Tania Mousinho on Unsplash

My dad was in and out the prison system for over a decade throughout his life. I remember he’d round-circle my brothers and I, telling us stories of his experience behind bars. On one occasion he’d speak of ‘the hole’.

As a kid, hearing him describe ‘the hole’ for the first time, I imagined a dark and dank pit with no windows. A place where one couldn’t even see their hands in front of their face, leaving only their thoughts to keep them company. Adult men screaming, banging walls, cursing; his description sounded like the worst place a man can go, and that’s exactly what it was for many inmates. As punishment for disobeying, pissing off the wrong guard, or anything else against the rule, many inmates would find themselves in this mysterious testing ground sitting with the greatest demon of all, themselves.

You have to live with you before you live with anyone else. — Javid Andrade Booker

As we got older, he’d refer back to stories of life in ‘the hole’ during his self-realization phase. This time as I heard it described, was painted in the light of a refuge; a safe space away from the chaos and stress of being surrounded by constant paranoia and hostility. A break from a harsh reality.

An important part of himself showed up during this time. Many men still dreaded being sent there, often going bat-shit crazy. My dad though, on his last descent, embraced sitting in darkness. With no other place to go, he used his time looking inward. He found his time had always been a choice. He became aware of his own innate power to choose his circumstances and light his own way. Eventually pops realized his way out of that dark and dank place for good.

‘The hole’ is a real place that looks very different for many of us, yet can feel very similar. Some of us are physically sent to this dark place, where time doesn’t seem to exist blurring hours and days together. For others, this place is a heavy mental and emotional state, following us wherever our bodies go. Often times not knowing how we got their in the first place. We try shaking off the tight-grip of emotions and daunting space but it can feel endless. Yet through the impossibility of it all, where there is a will, there is always a way.

From personal practice I find, when we learn to quiet ourselves from the inside, our outside begins to match our inside. Our perspective shifts, and that same space we so dreaded becomes a place we no longer fear; transforming into a safe haven to reflect and heed to lessons that weren’t as audible before.

“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” — Blaise Pascal

I’ve [literally] sat in darkness many times in my life, shunning friends, family, pleasures, distractions; only to sit with my own fears, frustrations and demons. I found meditation, as a form of sitting with a specific intention, allows me to go and see parts of my inner-world in peace with less distractions and pressures. For some the practice is easier than others. I struggled with my own ego mind for some time and still do some days; remembering though, everything in divine order develops at its own pace, helps relieve my tendency to expect perfection. And if we view these moments as a friend who shows up to help us with serious business, welcoming this time with self often yields gifts of innate wisdom and intuition.

A song that comes to mind is chamber of reflections by Mac Demarco. A personal fave that reminds me that I’m never alone in my experiences in life. Actually another way of saying it is, we’re always together in our experiences. Trusting that there is always someone out there who can say, “I truly understand what you’re going through, because i’ve been there too.”, brings me a sense of peace.

As souls living a human experience(or however you view it), a large part of that experience is growth. With growth comes change. Because we change, it only makes sense to get reacquainted with ourselves when growth occurs, right? Like an old friend we haven’t seen in a minute, we ‘catch up’ to take into account all the life we’ve missed out on to continue and calibrate the relationship. Same with ourselves. After growth happens, getting to know self again is helpful to match our outer world with our inner, however that looks.

Some ways to do this is by asking yourself:

What are the things in your life that no longer serve you?

What serves you now and why?

What new beliefs about yourself do you hold now?

Are there any relationships you want to let go of? Are there any you welcome in your life?

What energies in your life will you no longer tolerate? Which energies do you want more of, and what do they feel like?

Which part of your growth journey has brought you a sense of personal satisfaction?

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light” — Aristotle

Darkness is something popularized by society to be afraid of, in more ways than one. To keep it 100, it’s more of a ploy to keep people in a fear state and oppressed (spiritually, mentally, emotionally), but that’s my perspective. A more empowering view of ‘darkness’ is reflecting on what each of us goes through as infants before breathing their first breath in the world. We pass through a darkness, usually against our own will and still make our voice heard and presence known. I am ALIVE! I am HERE!

That same innate power that carried you into this world, can get you through your moments of dark, lighting your way.