The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Self-Help Articles
By: Ryan Fan
Tags: Ryan Fan, Self, Humor, Digital Life, Satire

SATIRE

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Self-Help Articles

They promise to give you superpowers

Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

Highly effective self-help articles are the best types of articles on the Internet — read them, and all your problems will go away, and you can walk on water, turn water into wine, and raise people from the dead. It’s no wonder that self-help articles are so popular and make so much money for the authors, because self-help is literally magic that will cure all your problems, from your unsatisfactory relationship, mental health problems, the fact that you’re still eating ramen noodles out of a cup for dinner every night, and the fact that you’re unemployed!

Here are the seven habits of highly effective self-help articles:

They make you feel like shit

No self-help article can do without reminding you, constantly and incessantly about how much you suck and how you’re not successful, not happy, not confident, not attractive, and how no one likes you. The reason why you resonate so much with these highly effective self-articles is because it’s true — your life is hard, you’re not perfect, so that means you must suck.

They promise to give you superpowers

By the end of your self-help article, you’re going to be Superman. You’re going to have superpowers and be able to shoot lasers out of your eyes and change your whole appearance by putting on sunglasses. Don’t forget about your ability to warp speed and teleport across the world — after reading said self-help article about becoming more confident, happy, attractive, successful, and of course, making significantly more money, you can just make money with your new money generating superpowers.

They advertise their course and newsletters

It turned out that by the end of the highly effective self-help article that what you just read was just a small, free sample of the real deal — the course and the newsletter that lays out more detailed, comprehensive steps to become a superhero and hack life. This newsletter will only be in your email inbox once a week, but you will refresh your inbox every five seconds because you’re just BEGGING your favorite self-help author to give you the truth on how to fix yourself and become a superhero by waking up at 5 a.m. every day and cutting toxic people out of your life.

They promote themselves as Gods

Your self-help author isn’t just a writer — but a God who’s a superhero who can generate fire from his hands and jets from his feet. They did this exactly by following the exact advice that you can’t possibly have ever heard before fleshed out in the highly effective self-help article.

You’re astounded to learn that after your God self-help author started to follow his passion and wake up at 5 a.m. every day, he gained the ability to fly and become a genie who would cure you of all your life frustrations.

They promise to change your life

Because your self-help author became a genie, their article promises to change your life with the snap of a finger, provided, of course, that you buy the newsletter, sign up for the course, and maybe donate to the Patreon. Not satisfied with your job? The self-help article will instantly get you a new job! Not satisfied with your husband? The self-help article will instantly transform your husband’s appearance into the young version of Leonardo DiCaprio.

All your dreams can come true just by reading this highly effective self-help article.

They promise to instantly help you make more money, be more successful, be more confident, more attractive, and happier

Yes, you aren’t successful, confident, attractive, or happy. And you definitely need to make more money. That’s why the instant you read the self-help article, your attractiveness rating will instantly go up three out of 10 points. People will start to notice you in networking events and job interviews and hire you on the spot instead of ignoring you like they used to. You will instantly become the life of the party and the dominator of the conversation the instant you read the highly effective self-help article.

And don’t forget that you can generate money so much that the stock market starts booming only in your stocks, because you read a self-help article that told you that “if you believe it will happen, it will happen.”

They use a lot of quotes that aren’t actually said by that person

Your favorite highly effective self-help article will use a lot of quotes from Buddha that aren’t actually from Buddha, but it doesn’t matter because you think it’s from Buddha. Or they’ll tell you the quote from Albert Einstein that “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

It’s okay that that quote isn’t actually from Einstein either — it’s a good quote that’s going to change your life, so you’re better off just lying yourself into it.

After all, aren’t you better off being more like Buddha and Albert Einstein? Don’t you want to walk on water and shoot lasers from your eyes like your favorite self-help author?

Then read the article, buy the course and newsletter, and donate to the Patreon. It will change your life and transform you from the sad, pathetic person you are now.