The First of Many Rambles…
By: Ummar Khalid
Tags: Depression, Neuroscience, First Post, Growth, Life Lessons

(damn its a bit long my bad)

It seems the more I learn, the more I find there is left yet to discover,

After all, what better way is there to live than to learn?

Hey people

So in all honesty I never thought I’d be doing something like this, I don’t really know what I’m doing, but hey, ima give it a go.

Who am I? I am me. I am you. I don’t mean I’m going to do your essays or chores for you. Just simply that we are the same you and me. Effects of the same cause, sums of the same equations, different branches of the same tree. Of course, we must retain our individuality but who says that means we can’t still be together, in unity. Not even in a spiritual sense to be honest, all though that does play a big part in my mentality. Just in essence. We are immaterially connected by the material, by what we share. We have different make ups of atoms and particles but the space we share is still the same.

If a football team didn’t appreciate the space they all shared together, despite their individual skills — well, I wouldn’t bet on them to do that well.

So, to the individual. I am 22 years old, as I’m writing this. Kashmiri born living in England. A university student. An anime watcher, book reader, show binger and general procrastinator. I think I started writing this because I was bored of applying for jobs. Fuck the system, right?.

Anyway, the rest I’ll either add later or you can figure out for yourself.

What am I supposed to talk about?

Since this is numero uno I don’t really want to hold to a specific topic. Although I’ll probably end up focusing on something and going on and on about it. I think for now I’m just going to write and see where this energy takes me. Maybe I’ll use this to plan. Maybe it’ll just be nonsense.

So why have I decided to start writing these blogs? Erm, boredom? Kind of. I guess I’m just looking for new ways to be creative. To find peace in an otherwise loud and chaotic world. There are many issues I find myself rambling to myself about; from unjust wars and humanitarian issues, to political crises (that I don’t fully understand tbh, but that’s their plan right?) to wondering if we are all gonna drown. All the way to wondering why Arsenal are the most mercurial of teams — Yah Gunners Yah! Science to philosophy to sports to books to movies to art (wait … same thing right). From why I feel like an outcast to how much I want to be alone to wondering why people are moving the way they are. Maybe I just need to vent.

I’ve recently taken time out of university due to mental health so maybe I’m just looking to manifest positivism in as many forms as possible. Maybe I’m just being egotistical and thinking I need to be heard (or read?) — so here I am.

What was I studying at uni? Neuroscience. Ironic that what I’m studying turned out to be why I stopped studying it for a while. Well, to be fair, I’ve not stopped studies, just the dying part. I never really had any plans before university — as is the stereotype, I fell into following the scientific path in the hopes I would be a doctor, thanks dad. That didn’t really sit with me that well but I’m here now.

And the brain is amazing.

Even the opening of the FIFA world cup 2014 was highlighted by the works of neuroscience; with the mind-controlled robot, allowing a paraplegic man to not only kick a ball, but actually feel the action! (Shout out Dr Miguel Nicolelis and his team!) How close are we to discovering feats such as brain to brain communication, or virtual reality? Actually, I’m pretty sure we’ve reached this point in some form already.

It’s surprising; almost everyone marvels at the wonders of space and the possibilities in the universe but, often overlooked, the most valuable commodity available to us all is the brain.

The ~100 billion neurons (the message senders) that build up the circuitry of the brain creating an organ that completely controls the life of an adult human, by what makes up only around 2% of their

entire mass is nothing short of incredible. Think that’s a lot of connections, then think of a TRILLION synapses. These are the junctions connecting the neuronal cells, responsible for passing on the messages.

Why is it that this same system found in one person enables creation of a work of art while in another it can cause severe illnesses such as Alzheimer’s? How do the experiences surrounding us literally make or break us, from developing empathy to depression, it’s just amazing. It seems the more I learn, the more I find there is left yet to discover. After all, what better way is there to live than to learn?

Okay, let’s get a little personal.

In my family depression is not something that was openly talked about until very recently, and still it’s not a topic mentioned much. It probably should be, considering probably every single person in my immediate family has suffered from it or been affected by it, some severely. Hell, I didn’t even realise I was depressed until not so long ago, and it took awhile before I was actually able to begin dealing with it. With that awareness also came the realisation that others around me were also suffering. That’s a hard pill to swallow. Realising the accumulation of negative emotion and little to no support, including stressors added from yourself. People forget how important strong support is. The analogy of mould in the book ‘Lost Connections’ by Johann Hari really hits home — issues and stressors leading to negative mindsets combined with lack of meaningful support are to depression like a moist and warm environment to fungi. It could grow with one but likely to be dealt with easily — but both together and that growth is exponential. And that growth has been on me for awhile. But enough about my family for now. I don’t need to explain exactly who or why things are the way they are. All I need to do is try to improve the conditions of the environment and get rid of the fungi — so I can be more of a f… okay my bad. (btw no one is knocking fungi, shrooms are still sick.)

I’ve come to the conclusion that if you’re in a family with backwards views, it’s not loving or respectful to not challenge those views — more of the opposite in fact. We’ve got to do more to challenge those systems that perpetuate further discomfort and promote values that belittle or undermine others. Using your voice for the right reasons, in the right way, that’s real love. I’m not gonna front and say I’ve always done things properly — I’ve definitely made things difficult in the past, but the thing about finding your voice and using it positively is that you can let go of the past and move towards something better, something greater. Just gotta be humble enough to realise your mistakes, and strong enough to switch up.

The path to healing comes from awareness so better sooner rather than later.

I realised that the pit is really that, a pit. You’re stuck with a limited view — unidirectional — sometimes it feels like all you’re doing is looking up at a small section of world as things just move around you. Imagine what Joseph was seeing from inside the well. That small circle of the world above becomes your viewpoint, but by losing your awareness of the rest of it you start to feel like that’s all there is. It really isn’t until you begin to claw your way back out that you can see the rest of the world again. Just being aware of the rest of it isn’t gonna get you back to your A game, but at least you can see there’s more than just a limited tunnel of vision for you to move in and learn from.

Think about the analogy for a second, whether you were in it, are currently or even have no experience of it. Imagine what view the world would provide through that small circle. Plus, with no sense of escape. Stuck really does describe it the best way. And, if someone forgets they fell into the well they won’t realise their actions are not representative of life, but a representation of loss. Now, I am not making excuses for anyone, least of all me. Apologies for any damage done in my most ignorant of states and I’m grateful for all my experiences that have gotten me this far. But understanding goes a long way to growth and in my opinion, changes are really all we have in this world.

[Inserts poetry because this is my space and I can do as I feel — I don’t profess to be very poetic, I just like writing]

~Changes

The truth of this life

As the seed blooms and acorns grow

Changes are all we really have

Changes

And the strength to embrace them

To acknowledge when they go wrong

To appreciate when they seem right

And to learn adapt grow

Changes

When petals fall as does the oak

The truth of this life

Because changes are all we have~

(Feel free to drop advice, lord knows I need it.)

To those people that don’t change or let others change, you are literally going against our own fundamental nature. Hopefully your awareness will grow too.

Lack of necessary change, from the smallest scale to the largest is normally why things seem to break. Think about it, even if something is refurbished and comes out looking the same, it’s still undergone change to continue to function, right?

Evolution. Improvement. Learning. Growing.

The necessity for being able to go back and realise where things may have gone wrong cannot be understated. Unlearning destructive patterns is as much a part of growth as learning healthier mechanisms. Take an example of a length of string. If it is riddled with knots then it is impossible for the string to reach its full length. Until you unwind, go back and find out where and what needs to be unknotted your string won’t reach its full potential. With limited time until an old woman decides to cut your string, it’s probably better to put in the effort to reach that potential than regret your fate later on.

That’s how I see it at least.

Speaking of growth, I had a thought a while back, the accuracy of which I’m not 100% on so if someone wants to add to or change (see what I did there) anything relating to it feel free.

I think the pillars of a happy life are: Peace; Growth; Balance; Gratitude; Love. Not proven though, I’m still working on it.

I’m also wondering if freedom, true freedom, is the sum of these together or another pillar on its own.

Now, I’m not saying without one or two you won’t be happy, but I think if all 5 are manifested you will probably be in a decent position. So, let me briefly get into them. Maybe I’ll be more thorough in future.

Peace: Essentially being calm and content with whatever is thrown at you. It allows you to deal with any situation with the creative and equanimous mindset necessary to accept and create solutions — and find the best thereof. To quote the Prophet Muhammad S.A.W: “If something disturbs the peace of your heart, let it go.” This doesn’t necessarily mean being in a constant state of feeling good, but more so being okay with whatever you are feeling and being able to return to that state of calm in order to think more clearly about each situation.

Growth: This one is to do with not stagnating. Without growth we cannot move forward. Not just physical, of course. Growth refers to taking in knowledge and experience and using that to boost your response to further experiences in turn generating more growth and gathering more knowledge. It’s a positive cycle of just getting better and better. Without growth you don’t get better. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy — growing pains aren’t just physical.

Balance: Between rest and activity. Between peace and growth. Between altruism and self-care. Balance is necessary because it prevents strain and allows you to heal. Whether you need to heal because you’ve scrunched yourself into a ball for so long you need to let yourself back out, or because you’ve given so much energy to something you need to take a step back for yourself — balance is always essential.

Let’s look at Peace and Growth as examples. If the scales of the ideas of peace are weighted further to one side, you either become stressed because you are allowing negativity through unnecessary toil or because you’re focusing so much on the negatives you don’t allow yourself to rest. Forcing peace isn’t peaceful.

Growth — either you stay stuck in place or you try to push yourself to a pace that is just not meant for you. Everyone moves at their own time. Trust your intuition. Everyone needs to find their own balance. Lao Tse says “Vegetable growth matures, culminates and subsides in response to a natural impulse” — now, you’re not a vegetable but the principle is essentially the same.

Gratitude: The art of thanks. Be grateful for what you have, and you will appreciate it more and will be more willing to appreciate what it takes to gain it. I also think gratitude encourages humility — being able to step back and admit that alone, as great as you are, you couldn’t have achieved what you did. It also links to an acceptance of being part of something greater than just you, whether that’s part of a team or project or part of the whole cycles of nature, and greater.

Love: For the self, for the other. Love encompasses appreciation and forgiveness — of yourself and everything around you. Also, …

from HxH.

Right, ima call it a day there, if you liked it lemme know, if you hated it let me know and let me know how to do better.

Peace n luv xx