A Reflection of 2020 (1/4). This year will be the most memorable…
Tags: 2020, Year End Review, Reflections

This year will be the most memorable year for almost everyone on earth that’s old enough to remember how this year went, I think. Year end brings throwback mood. Especially now I’m in a cold weather, feeling a bit melancholic, and I still can’t believe how this year went. Even that it’s coming to an end in a week.

I started 2020 by lying sick on my bed. My forehead was in flame, I suffered great headache, cold, and could barely breath. The cause of the fever was ridiculous: an infection that could’ve been avoided had I kept my personal hygiene in order. I went home from Singapore in the morning of 30 December 2019 then met up with my friends in the evening (which is when the infection took place). I remember everything went well that night. On the 31st I went to buy some groceries and that’s when I felt the difficulty to breath. It was followed by a super annoying dust in one of my eyes, which didn’t go at all even after eyedrops and a nap. I woke up from that nap feeling even worse because the fever had kicked in and I felt a great headache.

That night I made a poor new year’s eve for a Grab driver. I ordered porridge from TaWan Semanggi Plaza without realizing that there was flood everywhere. The poor guy had to turn around many times to get through to me. All while I grumbled in my comfortable room of why he had to repeatedly change his routes when he was already so close to my place. F*cking privileged, I know. When he finally arrived, he told me about his difficulty, all while still smiling. Me, who’s already stupid enough to engage in a sympathetic conversation even in a healthy state, just chuckled a bit and thanked him. I really couldn’t think fast of what to do. I think I tipped him only five thousand rupiah. D*mn. I made many bad decisions in my life, and I really hate it when other people are affected by them..

One tradition that I try to keep is to watch fireworks near the countdown. Last year, I was staying in a shared house in Bendungan Hilir that has a spacious balcony with beautiful view. It was perfect to watch the fireworks.

It was taken on 31 December 2019! I didn’t even realize it lol

That night, after eating my porridge, I took Panadol to calm my fever and headache down, then tried to stay awake until the countdown. I gave up on 11 PM and went to sleep. I did wake up on 12 AM because of the noise but I couldn’t get up from my bed. That’s when it hit me: if I start this year in such a bad state, is this how it’s gonna go? I started 2019 in an unhappy state because I forced myself to a stupid sleepover and I had my period on the 1st day of 2019. I’ve always hated my period and starting a new year with that was just a bad sign for me. There are many wonderful memories in 2019 but I don’t think I ended it well. I was beginning to worry about how 2020 will go.

One other tradition that I always do on new year is to (pray?) talk to myself about how the past year had gone and what to do in the next year. Being sick and in such a weak state, I became kinder to myself. Maybe 2019 was not started and ended well. Maybe I started 2020 in such a bad health, but that’s not going to stop anything that awaits in there. I don’t how how many joys and problems that were waiting in 2020. It’s true what they say about perspective changes everything. Will you see problem in every joy or will you see joy in every problem? I’m still afraid to cherish happy situation. Things tend to go downhill once I started to feel happy and celebrate. But that’s okay, I’m learning to reduce the fear. That’s how I calm myself on 1 January 2020. That it’s okay to start the year without so much joy. That it doesn’t mean that I will not have anything to be happy for in that year.

Then, I returned to ask myself what can I do in 2020? I’ve told myself for many times that 2019 didn’t end well. So what should I do in 2020 to make it up? It’s been years that I’ve been wanting to enroll in IELTS exam and figure out my score. All this time I’ve chickened out since my first (unprepared) prediction test result was 5.5–6.0. IELTS was one of the key to motivate me to look for opportunities of studying abroad. That night, I promised myself that I will get an IELTS score before 2020 ends. If I had to enroll in a preparation course (which was expensive) then so be it. All for IELTS score before 2020 ends. To force myself to fulfill that promise, I threatened myself that destiny would not allow me to get married had I not fulfill this promise. Sounds ridiculous? Yepp. Do I still do such threats to myself? Yepp.

Little did I know of how many challenges that 2020 will bring..