No preparation is ever enough
By: Joanna Ng
Tags: Death, Personal Growth, Growing Up

Photo by Anders Jildén on Unsplash

It was just another usual Sunday earlier in March this year. My parents were out visiting my grandparents — Singapore had just announced going into a lock-down (or “circuit breaker” as they call it) in 2 days time, and they wanted to see my grandmother once more. I had opted out on this visit to minimize the amount of external contact.

That was a really humid afternoon, and I was getting ready to take a nap when out of a sudden, I received a call from my godmother. The first thing she said to me when I pressed the ‘answer’ button was, “Your mother is being sent to the A&E now.”

My mind went blank instantly.

Later that day, we found out from the doctor that my mom had a stroke, and needed an operation immediately. Thankfully she survived, but those weeks in the hospital were the most terrible moments in my life. The lock-down situation worsened everything because we ended up not being able to see her for weeks. The restrictions were such that visits were prohibited for patients once they are out of the ICU.

In many of those days, I laid on my bed, thinking what a narrow escape my mother had from death. It was unthinkable that she, a healthy 50-year-old woman, got a stroke and almost died. In my mind, she had always been someone so youthful and active that I forgot that parents grow old too.

The responsibility of growing up

When we were young, our parents cared for our every need, and anxiously took us to the doctor whenever we fell sick. As we grew older, we learnt to be independent and visit the doctor ourselves whenever we were ill. But there will come a day, when our parents get old, and can’t get to the doctor themselves — It then becomes our responsibility to take them for consultations. This is a cycle that would never break, and I grew up knowing the responsibility that I had to take up when I was older. As our parents get older, these responsibilities would become much more frequent due to various illnesses.

This was exactly what happened to my grandfather 4 years ago, before he passed away. He was in and out of the hospital so much for different diseases, that in those last years, all I remembered was him lying on the hospital bed. During that time, the words uttered by most frequently by my relatives were, “I get scared whenever the word ‘hospital’ is mentioned.” It was a reality that the hospital had become our second home, and we knew the route there better than we knew our own home.

I’m not ready at all

The early twenties is usually the prime time for many, in which it is often accompanied by words such as “success” and “ambition”. During this period, many people put their heart and minds, gave their all to reach the top. But at the same time, we forget that time is still ticking, and our parents are still growing older. And it was so easy to lose track of all that and be caught up in our own lives.

My grandfather’s situation and my mother’s sudden stroke made me come to the conclusion that I’m not ready at all. I wasn’t prepared for my parents to get old, but they did anyway. I wasn’t prepared to face all these responsibilities, but they had to be taken up anyway. Most importantly, I wasn’t prepared for them to leave me anytime soon, but I know one day they will. All these thoughts came crashing down on me that night, and I broke down.

During my internship at the radio station, I recall an incident where I shared my grandfather’s passing with one of my colleagues. I shared with her that at this age, we all know that death is just an inevitable fate. Once we are born, with every step we take, we’re just walking towards the arms of death. Besides, for my grandfather who was in pain for years, death might just be a form of release for him. But even then, I still couldn’t come in terms with it, and I still wasn’t ready to accept that he left.

After hearing all these, one thing she said to me was, “No preparation will ever be enough. You just have to take it as it comes.”

One of my favourite book illustrations.

When they’re gone

One of my favourite books that I still take out of the bookshelf from time to time is “What to do when I’m gone.”

In the foreword, Hallie Batman wrote, “We talk about death under the sun, and because of this, we would not feel as afraid when we are finally in the face of death.” By allowing herself to think of how life would be without her mother around, she realized how lost she would feel without her mother’s advice. This resulted in the birth of this book, which is a heartfelt manual and advice from her mother after she passes, from choosing a lifetime partner to baking a quiche.

In the book, there was a portion that really stood out and stuck with me, and that was:

The death of your parents is the message sent to you by nature to tell you a scary reality: You’re going to be next.

The moment we are on earth, our first understandings of death often comes from what we hear and see. We see people die before us, and for some reason, we just seem to know that it’s a sad affair, and that it is something we don’t like and want to prevent. Cultures in society enforce this idea, and we slowly treat death as a taboo topic, simply because we can’t grapple with the fact that we’re all going to leave the earth one day. This is precisely why we feel the strongest emotions when our loved ones die, because we know that death is an inevitable fate. And we know, as we age, we will face the same outcome in the end.

And if this is the case, are we ready for it?

I’m more than happy to write this book with you, but you don’t need it. Even without me, you already have enough to face the future on your own and walk down the path bravely.

This is what was written at the very end of the book, and every time I look at this sentence, I would somehow feel comforted. While this book was written by a mother to her daughter, those were words that any parent out there would probably say to their children.

The truth is, we will never ever be ready. No one has the innate ability to know how to deal with loss, and grief, and that’s ok. But it all starts with acknowledging it and learning to face it. Because it is only when we learn how short and limited our lives are, that we know what should be valued most in these few decades on earth.