The Steps To Giving Yourself Permission
By: Christina Hope
Tags: Life Lessons, Mental Health, Self, Psychology, Decision Making

Humans are not famously good decision-makers. Particularly when we are faced with too many options. The more choices we have, the more factors we try to consider, the ‘better informed’ we assume we are, to make the ‘right’ choice. Right?

Actually, we’re also less likely to make and follow through on a decision in this scenario. To quote psychologist Barry Schwartz:

Something as dramatic as our identity has now become a matter of choice… We don’t inherit an identity; we get to invent it. And we get to reinvent ourselves as often as we like. And that means that every day, when you wake up in the morning, you have to decide what kind of person you want to be…

We see the ability to make decisions listed on every management or workplace skills blog, because the ability to make decisions effectively is considered a key skill. And clearly, not just at work. Many decisions that we make are about how we ultimately want to live. And as Schwartz says, the kind of person we want to be.

No pressure then.

Step One: Know Your Values

When life is filled with so many choices, and so many sources of input from our environment, as is the case, fatigue is never far away. We can easily go along with a journey that seems acceptable or available — we can easily end up on the same current as many others do, potentially just because we needed to choose something. There’s nothing wrong with this.

Sometimes people think of this as ‘settling’. But there’s no harm in that, if it allows you freedom in other senses. The trouble comes if you turn up one day and realise that actually, you’re not where you feel you should be. What if you do eventually realise enough about yourself to know that you need a change?

This is about values.

When you’re so busy gathering options and information, values feel a little flimsy, hard to define. A bit woo-woo, maybe. But deciding on a set of values can help cut away all the rest of the noise — all the rest of the options that keep interfering in the small decisions that lead up to the big one: how am I going to live my life?

Step Two: Commit

One of the outcomes of having so many potential options, so many sources of information to synthesise and points of view to consider, is that even if we do come to a decision about what we value, and what we want to be doing as a result, we can still feel the pang of having to commit. And always knowing that there might be something better, more perfect, if only we knew more, or had another option come up.

This is about commitment.

What’s holding you back from stepping over the threshold into your decision? Is it fear? Is it imaginative ideas of what might happen as a result? I’ve seen many an exercise that ask you to imagine what the worst possible outcome of your decision might be. What’s the worst thing that could happen?

But I want to imagine it another way: What will I think of my life, on my deathbed, if I don’t commit to the life I want? Will I look back and think, ‘Oh well.’ Or will I think, ‘Oh, crap.’ And if you try, and fail, will you think, ‘Well, I wish I’d never tried’? I don’t think so.

Step Three: Only You Permit Yourself

One thing that seems to hold many of us back is the notion that, even with the info, and the insight into our own values, we might just still fall short. We might not be good enough to do what we really want to do. We might not have the talent, the work ethic, the whatever, to see it through. We might try but just still not make it, so the safety of now is a compromise we should accept.

This is about self-belief.

Often, giving ourselves permission — to do what’s scary, or what’s right for us — is the hardest part of the decision-making process. Because even if we see the logical value, the financial value, the social value, or whatever other value, that a decision holds for us, we can still struggle to acknowledge that we have to put ourselves on the line. It is a risk.

It’s a risk not just because of any other practical factors in play (be it money, resources, time, etc). It’s a risk because we’ll have to face the fact that we don’t believe in ourselves entirely. We’re not sure we are worth putting the decision into practice, and we aren’t convinced that we will be fine, whatever the outcome.

We’re used to permission coming from other places — our parents, our teachers, our bosses — but not really from ourselves. When we are faced with the notion of really living our life the way we want to live it, though, who else is there who can really know what outcome we want to achieve?

It’s you. It all comes back to you. Of course there will always be other factors to consider, but ultimately, it’s ourselves that we have to face everyday with our choices. Only you can give yourself that final permission to do what really matters.

Step Four: Practice Self-Compassion

It’s simply not the case that we sit down, decide our values, act on them, and voila, end of story. Life is rarely that linear.

Our values, our ideas and how we exert them, are going to change — with age, with experience, with new factors or circumstances. Stuff changes. That doesn’t make you a non-committal fraud, or someone whose values were just too weak to withstand change. Change happens, it’s a certainty. And when it does, it’s up to us to be able to adapt our ideas and values too.

This is about self-compassion.

You’re not going to get everything right, that’s a certainty as well. Not every decision can be executed with precision. But knowing, for yourself, that you did your very best and that you still love and respect yourself as a result, is extremely powerful.

Make it a habit to reflect on how things actually went, once you committed to an action — guaranteed, there will always be good things that came out of your choices, even if the result wasn’t as positive as you’d hoped. I use journaling for this purpose.

Keeping track of my emotions, of my thoughts, allows me to figure out what I can really take away from my decisions, and how best to refine the actions I take towards living a life according to my values.

Individual Permission Needs No Explanation

I’ve sat in meetings with people, explaining my decisions, trying to justify myself… One of the biggest lessons I can reiterate here is that once you’ve decided what you need to do for yourself, don’t explain.

Maybe you will want to talk through your decisions with people, particularly when that decisions affects their life too. But don’t let it become a chance for erosion of your commitment, if you’re trying to give yourself permission to take a risk that might really mean living life the way you want.

In my case, committing to spending more time writing was one that I mistakenly tried to justify to friends and colleagues, who might not really understand why that is important to me — it’s not that they dissuaded me as such, but if you’re taking a risk and you have been struggling with self-belief, then you know how easily your resolve can dissolve. By looking for justification or permission from others, you set those around you up to fail. Often, no reaction they could give you will be satisfactory, if you’re already looking for reasons not to follow through.

You know yourself best. If you know in your heart of hearts that your decision is important and right for you, don’t go looking for reassurance after the fact. Of course, you might want someone nearby to support you, and nobody is an island. But be wary of exposing your ideas to just anyone.

Give yourself permission to believe in yourself first. Share only if you’re ready.