Ways to Heal Sex and Body Shame (& Have Hotter Sex)
By: Dr. Chris Donaghue
Tags: Sex Positive, Orgasm, Body Positive, Sex, Sexting

*written for penis and prostate owners, masc and male identified, and their partners

Sex is one of the best ways to heal from cultural sex phobia and body shame. Its why my work as a sex therapist is so transformative. My career is focused on helping individuals and couples learn how to heal from socialization that has told them certain body parts are bad or dirty, that genitals are the only erogenous zones, that penetration is always the goal of sex, and that their sexual orientation is stable and solid. Sex is the best way to grow and mature, as both a sexual being but also as a better human in the world. Our self esteem is deeply tied to our body and sexual self esteem. You cannot move through the world as a fully confident person if you have sexual or body shame. Sexuality is a powerful entry point to the work of healing cultural trauma.

1.Do what makes you sexually anxious.

Our sexual and body anxieties are rooted in oppressive sex negative and body phobias morals and ideals. Better sex requires overcoming this. Our anxiety is rooted in the limits of our accumulated body shame, ability to tolerate closeness, and failure to see sex as a request to build deeper intimacy.

2. If you have a prostate, use it!

Don’t shame or avoid this powerful pleasure giving body part. Prostate play leads to bigger and multiple orgasms, and also allows for the transformative power of full bodied sexuality that challenges the anatomy avoiding tactics of body shame.

3.Erections are not needed for good sex.

There are so many diverse ways to use your body and to have fun. Hot sex sometimes never even involves penetration. It’s about connecting to pleasure, your body, and your partners. Good sex is about play. Sex has no goal but pleasure and fun, and doesn’t always involve genitals, penetration or even orgasm. Don’t focus on performance, focus only on how sex feels.

4. Don’t let things get boring by falling into habits.

Allow yourself to expand sexually by trying new creative and diverse things. Our sexuality is always evolving and changing, but we fall into sexual habits and routines, reinforcing the same sexual behaviors over and over. Sex can be different and novel when with each new partner, and even with repeat partners. Remember that we are all more sexually diverse then we realize.

5. Better sex is about authenticity.

This will often mean challenging gendered expectations and norms, because one’s gender does not promise or dictate their sexuality. Sexual authenticity suffocates within these boundaries and limits. Add in how our other intersecting identities (such as race, class, disabilities) impact and further oppress our sexual possibilities and opportunities for expression and exploration, and it’s shocking that any arousing sex ever happens at all. Also, as a man or masc identified, you are allowed to be passive and not initiate sex, but instead be totally receptive sexually. Not all men are “tops” or assertive. Asking for the type of sex you want is both an act of empowerment, and a sign of wanting to be known more honestly by your partner.

6. Your entire body is an erogenous zone, including the perineum and anal area.

Our whole body has the ability to give us pleasure and heighten arousal and bring us to orgasm. Engage in perineum and anal play due to its capacity to provide bigger orgasms and more arousal. Anal play is not gay sexuality, and anything a heterosexual does sexually is heterosexual sex. Pleasure phobia, toxic masculinity, and homophobia all stigmatize these arousal spiking parts of our anatomy.

7. Allow and harness general sexual energy.

If you are turned on at work, or by someone you see at the gym, or with a fantasy, carry it with you and take that sexual energy home to use with your partner. This is especially useful and powerful for those in monogamous relationships. Regardless of how in love you are or attractive your partner is, being aroused by Others is healthy. But what you do with the arousal determines your love and integrity.

8. Sext and eroticize your partners

Throughout the day, with consent, sexting is a great way to keep your partners eroticized. Leave notes, sext, have sex, flirt, touch, talk dirty, kiss- acknowledge your partner and create eroticism and romance every day. This prevents relationships from becoming de-sexualized by drifting away from arousal and sexuality. Sex and arousal can also begin long before you are face-to-face or in the bedroom together. Building arousal prior to sexual engagement will lead to peak sexuality.

9. Follow your fantasies

Your sexual fantasies are often the most honest parts of your sexuality. The arousing thoughts and ideas in your head, the types of porn that you watch, and the things out in the world that turn you on are all important aspects of your sexual psychology. Not all fantasies are desires, but most can be used as a guide of what to add to your current sex life and to share with partners to build closeness. Sharing the parts of yourself that make you anxious is one of the most powerful ways to build true intimacy.

10. Use and ask for multiple levels of stimulation.

While giving oral or penetrating, also use your hands to stimulate other areas of the body, and ask partners to do the same to you. Also use sex toys to amp up arousal and to explore diverse sensations on all areas of your body. Don’t limit your sexuality and pleasure to the few sensations a mouth, tongue, hand, or orifice can provide.

11. Use sex as self-care.

This is often shamed or forgotten, because many see sex as not being a legitimate way to meditate, self soothe, or psychologically heal. Yoga, hiking, and green juices are all seen as legit ways to improve yourself, but sex is rarely part of that conversation, except for the random cliché article about the benefits of masturbation. Sex and body phobic culture also sometimes wants us to believe that healthy sex is only within a committed relationship, and also only when things are going well. But sex is also a powerful tool for fun, entertainment, various forms of intimacy building, decreasing boredom, making friends, and even for employment. And sex can also be a helpful bridge back to connection for couples feeling distant and disconnected.

12. Be mindful about your porn

The type of porn you watch as part of your healthy solo sex life matters. Porn themes and the types of bodies viewed have a huge impact on what you will find arousing and on your own sense of desirability and your body esteem. Watch porn that shows your body type and gender expression, because its important to have experiences of seeing it eroticized and valued.

We forget the transformative power sexuality has for our psyches, bodies, relationships, and culture. The social stigma can be used against itself to begin to reduce the anxiety of arousal and pleasure. The ability to engage in total body sexuality and to openly acknowledge the pervasiveness of sexuality in all areas of life, is the revolutionary work our culture desperately needs.