When You Have Everything You Want
By: Aimee Sparrow
Tags: Scientific Theories, Thinking, Stress Management, Material Possessions, Devastation

When You Have Everything You Want

Image by Markéta Machová from Pixabay

I have everything I could ever want and more. Any material possession that is of a reasonable price, I can own. I have a well-paying job, a place of my own, and some emotional support friends. I even have those who want to date me due to how spontaneous and charismatic I am. And even so, that’s not enough. I still have that stress-laden burden on myself all the time.

What am I missing? Is it something to look forward to each day? No, I always want to wake up and start the day. Is it a lack of challenge? No, my job is amply challenging and rewarding, plus I consider writing a craft to develop as I learn and grow. What is it then?

I feel as though I’m missing an integral part of myself when I am not spending every waking moment with this one particular person who left an impact on me. I was always honored to be with this person and cherished by them. I need to now respect their wishes and realize my feelings at too intense for it to be healthy to be with them. I also need to align myself with the monumental assumption that perhaps I don’t need anybody at all to be happy. I am happy with the way things are right now.

The truth is I have everything I need and everything I want to be happy. I can effortlessly go through my days without a care in the world. I can relax and be on vacation in peace. I can squeeze everything out of every moment, making the most of my life. Why do I feel like I can’t hold myself together?

Human beings need this sense of camaraderie, this feeling of security that there are people who will support us. We experienced such dependency in our youth and it carries over to our adult life. That is why people look for romantic partners and ask more from them than they should have to give. I can’t offer myself in this way. I can’t pursue a romantic interest when I am so broken.

What I would really like right now is to be free to spend time for myself, rather than wasting it away half-awake, napping my evenings away, and calling it an early night. I’m struggling and considering what I’ve gone through, this should not be happening. I feel this constant dread and despair surrounding my very existence and cannot focus on living life well.

I do not rightly believe I’m depressed again. That’s too simple of an explanation. This is something deeper; more complex, something with a flavor of uncertainty and rage. I am passionate about something I want and have been wanting for some time, without a clear way to achieve it. I know that in the future, once quarantine is lifted, the normal hustle and bustle of life will resume and there will be so much more going on. I will again have opportunities to ingratiate myself with people.

I am in essence, a loner, someone who lives in her own thoughts and relishes in isolation. However, after a period of time, this becomes boring and inconsequential, compared to what I could experience if I opened myself up. I learned that in recent years and haven’t forgotten. I can’t erase it from my mind. I need adventure in my life. I need something, anything to happen. I can’t just go on hoping. I need to do.

I have so much where others have so little, but what matters most to me: my friends and family, I have alienated and it is hurting me at my core. The days and days of loneliness and isolation is eating away at me bit by bit until I just want to curl up and hide. What I see as a harsh circumstance can also be a blessing in disguise.

If I take hold of this opportunity, I can develop myself. I can carve out a place for myself in a world where I never really felt like I belong. I can focus on my writing and do what I do best: think. I can come up with theories that fit a psychological foundation that is robust and makes sense. There are ways to build upon old knowledge scientifically and make sure what we know we gained from smaller logical theorizing. In the past, I held this close to my heart. Why not again today?