Who am I- my ethnicity, my birthplace, my passport or my zip code?
Tags: Racism, Discrimination, Identity, Immigration, Belonging

“You’re not Indonesian, and you’ll never be one” — words that were never said to me by any Indonesian as I was growing up in Indonesia. Ironically, those were the words said to me as I experience my first racism in the Netherlands — from an Indonesian student. Growing up in Indonesia for 19 years, as someone with an Indian ethnicity, I have been lucky to have never encountered any blatant racism. In the Netherlands however, I had apparently accidentally pissed off a fellow Indonesian student studying in the Netherlands, which resulted in a constant stream of racism and harrasment. The level of acceptance and “normalcy” of being of Indian background in Indonesia didn’t prepare me well for the fact that not every Indonesian would see me as one of them, not every Indonesian would accept me as one of them, and not every Indonesian would respect me as one of them.

I was very young when I realised that there was something physically and culturally different about me and my parents, something most children with immigrant background probably can relate with. I didn’t look like my friends around me, I didn’t listen to the same music and my family didn’t have similar cultural mannerisms as my friends’ families. Until 3rd grade, I went to a Catholic school despite coming from a Hindu family, I had almost all Indonesian friends and almost no awareness of my own cultural identity. Looking back, I never felt an issue with being different. Nor was it an issue for my friends. Being different was … normal. From 4th grade until end of my high school, I went to a school with pre-dominantly Chinese Indonesian students. Some became my best friends who made memories with me that I still look back fondly, some bullied me for just being different than them.

Was it racism? Yes. Was it due to my skin colour? Yes. However, did they deprive me of my core identity of being an Indonesian? Absolutely not.

As I sit here having lived in Indonesia, the Netherlands and UK, the answer to the question of “where are you (really) from” or the ever famous “what are you” has always been Indonesian, much to the chagrin of my Indian extended family. The answer has always been followed by the a confused look or comment like “you don’t look like one”, which required an explanation of the short version of my family immigration history.

However, have I ever been denied of my identity of being an Indonesian, as I explain to them that I am ethnically Indian? Absolutely not.

After spending about 8 years in the Netherlands, and not wanting to ever lose the opportunity of calling Netherlands a home, I decided to change my passport. As I consulted an acquaintance of mine regarding the decision, he said “why would you give up your Indonesian identity?”. The acknowledgment by an Indonesian man that I am indeed one of them felt like an acceptance by a community that I have always felt a belonging with, yet was never fully sure of its acceptance of me. Unfortunately, this was followed by an incident where an Indonesian student, upon eavesdropping on my conversation about discrimination in Indonesia, decided single-handedly that I was undeserving of my Indonesian identity. This resulted in him referring to me as “the non-Indonesian” among the local Indonesian community, and finally shouting racist and discriminatory things at me in front of my friends. Apparently, having criticisms of Indonesia and wishing that it would improve was something that would deem me as un-Indonesian.

Did he have a right to say what he thought? Yes, it’s a free country. Was it racism? Yes. It never would have happened if I was Indonesian by blood (Not sure how he would make the argument to someone with Indonesian blood that he/she/they wasn’t Indonesian). Was it a reflection upon Indonesians as a community? Absolutely not.

I decided to go through with the change of nationality anyways due to multitude of legal and non-legal reasons. However, as I sign that declaration of the oath of the Netherlands, a part of me couldn’t help but feel that I was betraying my country. My friends and family had to reassure me that it wouldn’t change anything inherent in me, and that it would allow me to belong to both places that I call home. In the following days as I received my Dutch passport, nothing felt different.

Was I legally Indonesian? Not anymore. Did I revert back to Indonesian language when talking to my friends? Yes. Do I refer myself collectively as Indonesian sub-consciously when talking about Indonesian politics? Yes. Should my change of nationality deprive me of my Indonesian identity? Absolutely not.

Children of immigrants often suffer from the confusion of their identity. Who are they? Do they belong with the people around them where they grew up? Do they belong with people of their ethnicity? Who is “your people” to them? Which community are they a part of? Is “my people” referring to the Indonesians, the Indians, or the Dutch? More importantly, why does this question almost always have a singular answer? Indian-Indonesian? African-American? Turkish-dutch? Which part of the subculture do I belong to? Is there a particular group of Dutch-Indian-Indonesian (or something with a similar combination) that I can call “my people”? Who has the right to decide this?

A lot of us in this world today are immigrants or have immigrant background, and our journeys are unique. And while freedom of speech dictates that we can debate on the topic of legal/illegal immigration, discrimination towards minorities and other socio-economic-political issues, the one thing that nobody has a right to, is depriving someone else of their own identity. An (European) American has no right to tell another American of Mexican heritage that he/she/they is not an American, just like an Indonesian has no right to tell me, an Indonesian of Indian heritage that I am not an Indonesian.

So what do I answer when asked “what are you”, “where are you from” or “what’s your identity”? Am I Indonesian for having been born and raised there? Am I Indian because of my ethnicity and family despite never having lived there or having strong ties to that country? Am I Dutch, since I have the nationality and conciously made a legal effort to call it home? Or am I from UK, since that is where I currently live?

I am all of them. I am an Indonesian for having a personal affection for the country that raised me and for having a sense of belonging with Indonesians. I am Indian for having an Indian family and feeling an emotional connection to Indian culture. I am Dutch for having a pet peeve for people who are late and for wholeheartedly believing in the values upheld by the Dutch people, and I am now part of the Manchester community, for as long as I shall live here, and maybe even beyond that.