Conservatives have better sex, no f*cking way
Tags: Democrats, Republicans, Empathy, Politics, Sex

Photo by Owen Kemp on Unsplash

Recurrently, someone digs out a survey seemingly showing that conservatives are more satisfied with their sex lives than liberals and everybody is baffled, myself included.

How can you enjoy something that you also taboo and vilify in so many ways?

The argument generally goes something like: Liberals are so depressed about the pervasive injustice in the world that they are unable to enjoy the good things in life, too bad, …, not so fast.

First of all, as someone vehemently against conservative agendas especially when it comes to issues of sexuality and sexual freedoms, I agree that there are so many things that are wrong in this world that we should be worrying about. But seriously, the one time I do NOT think about reproductive rights or healthcare or climate change is when I’m having sex. I’m pretty sure you would struggle to find anyone who can simultaneously experience existential angst and sexual arousal. That’s true even for people with pretty complex emotional profiles like me.

So as long as we are having sex, I don’t think liberal weltschmerz f*cks with our sexual satisfaction (excuse the pun).

So why is the whole conservatives have an awesome time in bed-story surely more measurement error than true fact? Maybe there is a time inconsistency issue here. While liberals’ sex lives are overall probably fine, by the time your survey asks us, well, we are back to real life and our anxious, worrying ways; and therefore a bit more restrained in our assessment.

But the main argument is about empathy and how it is a necessary prerequisite for sensuality between two (or more) people. Conservative ideology is not exactly big on empathy. You could argue conservatives care about those close them, family, friends, people who look, act, live like them and would choose their sex partners accordingly. But by definition, your partner is another person (unless you have sex with yourself — an area where conservatives also traditionally erect walls of taboos; sorry about the recurrent puns, too tempting).

And if you are fundamentally opposed to viewing difference as a positive, how can you possibly get into a space where you sense your partner’s needs and desires?

There is an inherent selfishness in conservative narratives. They value personal responsibility and see the world as a zero-sum game: you get more of the pie, I get less, etc.

Good sex is never selfish.

Pure physical gratification might be. But then what’s the point of having sex with another person in the first place? You should be the person who knows yourself best. So if it’s just about orgasms, well, you yourself should be the most reliable source of those (not that this cannot involve sensual, intimate exploration of your own body as well).

Sensuality as part of sex with others, on the other hand, is a reciprocal thing, an exchange of emotional and physical pleasure. Sharing and experiencing the desire and lust of your partner is always the most exciting and intoxicating aspect of having sex.

And that absolutely requires empathy, in a sense of an intrinsic commitment to respecting and amplifying your partner’s sensual and emotional experience.

And I’m sorry, but if you always stick to what is familiar and your self-interest “trumps” caring about others, you’ll never truly get there.