A special No Contact Letter
Tags: Abuse, Self, Abuse Survivors, Narcissism, Self Love

Dear abuser,

In this letter I am writing, I am telling both of you I will be moving out to work at another city at least an hour away from this mansion you spent your life bragging about to get as much admiration from people as you want. I have already made the arrangements and planned to move out long ago, long before we had the conversations about the pros and cons of moving out and staying at home. I wanted to make sure no one knew what my plans are because you people are crazy enough to go as far as ruining everything I want to do for myself, deliberately putting obstacles over what it is I want to achieve, just like you have always done, my whole life, in any and every way you could: in my personal and professional relationships, work, studies, even personal stuff like food, clothes, makeup and involved your minions to continue doing the same thing you did especially when the doors are closed. They continue your legacy when the bedroom doors are closed or whenever we go out together, they will whisper to me all these shameful comments to make me be disgusted at my own body and never look good or feel good. You and your minions have always conditioned me to adjust my response/ reaction to your mood and how you control the atmosphere around you and blame and verbally insult me if I ever dare to crack an egg shell, I have always been walking on all these years growing up.

I would love to tell you both that moving out will provide an immense opportunity for me to learn to do things on my own, the things any adult person must do. I will actually get the chance to live like a 25 years old woman gets to live. I will actually make friends, find whomever I can trust enough to tell them about your abuse, expose you, smear you and even triangulate you with our common enemy, you. I will make sure the whole entire world knows your ugly side, the side you hide behind closed doors. I will leave traces of your crimes everywhere, recordings as my last gift for you as I wish to please myself and feed myself the supply of seeing you suffer the humiliation and embarrassment on your face once everyone knows who you truly are. I will go and vaccinate every one of the viruses you put in everyone, the virus containing all the damaged DNA or lies, rumor, jokes, comments and judgements about me that somehow someway put you at a pedestal and fed you fuel and praise from outsiders. I will make sure to work hard every day on achieving my goals, the ones you have always prohibited me from pursuing because they would ruin your image and reputation to the world. I will be sure to have the best friendships out there, better than the ones you ever had and if anyone reminds me of a shred of your despicability I will without any hesitation reject them out of my system. Unlike you, I am not a parasite that will find its host and cling on to it, sucking life out of it until it dies, then whenever bored, move to another host, only to do the same thing. Unlike you, I am not toxic, and I sure as fuck will not allow that for myself anymore, will NEVER ever beat myself for losing a predator like you, a soul sucking leach. NO! no more!

I know I will be far away from you. BUT I will never ever make any effort to remember you for all the lies and gaslighting you put me through, no, but only by the abuse you imposed on me, and never ever try to or even think about contacting you whenever my body wants to gaslight itself and get back to your trauma bond. I will only remember you by the monster I see in my nightmares, the yeller, screaming, beater, hitter, rapist, hunter, gas lighter, shapeshifter you have always been in my dreams and in reality. You know I waited for so long for something to change, hoping for some peace, some tranquility while staying stuck around you, but no. I kept hanging on the false hope that maybe whenever I feel good about myself even just for once that you would be happy for me and celebrate it with me, but no, it always had to be you. You always had to be either better than my good mood and state or worse than my tired aching sick body. your case always had to be worse. Your entitlement and arrogance pushed you too far, but it won’t anymore.

I don’t a flying fuck what you think of this letter, how you deal with it or what your next vengeful step to stop me will be I really have had it and don’t care any fucking more. I don’t care and actually so badly want that you swallow your pride, look at yourself in the mirror, realize what you lost, stab your brain and let my decision in this penetrate your rotten brain. Because in my eyes it will have been one of the best decisions I will have made in my life, much better than any choice or decision you ever thought of and dared make for me putting me in this helpless position of not even being able to decide for myself, definitely one that will help me grow, love, give, appreciate, feel, care, learn, teach, bless for the better of me for me and ONLY me. YOU swallow your pride, it stinks and suffocates, but I won’t. I will keep sprouting my pride out because I am much much better and more worthy than you will ever be. You will be the poor one, the weak despicable negligeable parasite, I can easily crush you with my feet and not even have seen you pass by under my foot, or better the sole of my shoe. You will be nothing, up to no good! You will be nonexistent to me. You will be starved, left behind, not cared for, in the dark, in the cold. You had better be happy that you can survive on what is left of your flesh and blood, be a cannibal, I could care less. Or better yet, I pity you so much actually, here, here are some crumbs. You are hungry? You want more? Awwww! you poor poor thing! You still want more of that supply? You want fuel? What is it? You are having a fuel crisis? Don’t worry no more, you will be relieved of it. The fuel you drained for so long is now gone. Too bad for you, you pitiful poor poor thing! Why? Because you will never see that fuel ever again in your life. You will forget about that fuel, be sure of that. Sure, you might remember to hoover and seek it from time to time, but the poor thing will only remember to want to suck from it only when convenient, right? Why you imbecil! You are up to no good, are you! I told you you are up to no good, naught naughty weakling!

Oh what? Come again? I cannot hear you! I donno if it is me or if it’s you sooo teeny and tiny, I can barely see or hear what you are saying… What? Oh! You still want that fuel? Oh, what fuel your talking about? That fuel? Oh, that grade-A supply? It is forever vanished [PHEW] ghost… That is right. Have you been focusing on your narcissism so much that you missed out on them and only now want them back? Are you even genuine enough to even feel what it is they felt whenever you drain and exhaust them with your narcissistic abusive cycle, huh!!! Oh of course not! You are too busy with your own inner God you bare gave a damn! You would rather hurt them, that is okay, fair, fine! BUT would never allow that to happen to you right? How would it feel if the same shit you did to them all this time gets poured on you like a hot boiling water, huh? How about that?

Oh well I can never hear what you are saying, I am long gone! Cannot see, hear, smell, touch or taste you no more! nope! no more!

Gone! Dead! D.E.A.D! You are nothing but dead to me!

Bye! Ba-bye!

Regardless,

your fuel