Defining Me: A Detransition Story
Tags: Autobiography, Gender Identity, Transgender, Real, Detransition

Image from google images

It’s funny how you don’t realize how much your parents affect you until you’re an adult yourself. I think every year comes with more clarity about how your parents directly influence all the weird shit you do. I had no idea that watching the female role models of my life be taken advantage of for most of their lives by men made me not want to be associated with femininity. I had no idea that my birth mother abandoning me emotionally and in many ways physically for the course of my life would make me so angry with her that I wanted nothing to do with anything connected to motherhood or the concept of growing into a woman. I had no idea that watching my mom (grandmother, but mom to me) grow to be a disenfranchised woman with bitter resentments the world deserves to hear would make me believe being a woman was a curse.

It was easy to fall into a male role when all the male role models of my life had been so constant. My uncle and my father never seemed to falter and they had my back at every turn. They didn’t argue with me and they loved me in a more straightforward way that was easier to cling onto.

So I plowed into adulthood with a new identity and a new way to walk through life. From 17 to 26 I lived as a transman. Almost a decade of my life was spent speaking in a low voice, holding doors open for women, having new found authority, and feeling like I had armor tough enough to take anything the world threw at me. I felt like I was safe from any of the bullshit the evil men I had grown up hearing about could attempt.

Image from google images

With that sense of power came the greatest illusion I’ve ever pulled off. Nine years of secretly being afraid of everything within the cocoon of masculinity I had built myself. Truth be told I spent every day wondering if I did something to out myself. If someone in the men’s bathroom would figure it out and rape me. The fear of explaining the difference between my chosen name and legal name made me avoid job interviews or opportunities. Did I laugh too girly? If I admit that I like Taylor Swift will someone question me? Are people talking about me when I’m not there? Constant questions, anxiety, worry… and for what? The illusion that I had strength simply because of some labeled pronouns?

What is real is that I had strength to begin with. I didn’t need to change a thing about myself to be strong enough to handle the world around me. I also think people need to stop believing that who they are is the same thing as what they like. Just because I like a lot of masucline clothing or enjoy typically masculine activities doesn’t mean I need to go and change my own image. I can be exactly as I am and like whatever the hell I like. That includes baggy men’s t-shirts and the dresses I’ve spent nine years pretending I don’t like.

This world wants to change all the wording like using “server” instead of “waitress” to not define tasks and objects by gender but yet if someone’s son likes to play with barbie dolls we start to project the idea that they could be trans. It’s bullshit.

I’m not denying that there are people out there who are trans, but I spent almost a decade fighting and screaming and demanding that I was a boy and guess what? I’m not and I’ve never been happier. I’ve never been more free. I no longer have to monitor anything about myself. I do what I want. I wear what I want. I don’t lie anymore or make up stories to distort the truth. I highly doubt I am the only one out there who has been affected this way. The amount of transgender people isn’t really going up in my opinion. The people with confused emotions and gender dysphoria are expanding rapidly. There is a key difference.

And I’m lucky. I’m really lucky that I never went for any hormone replacement therapy or surgeries. I’m lucky I will be able to have children and live my life purely as I am. I know others who aren’t so lucky.

Image from google images

My biggest ally was patience and the fact that I never stopped questioning myself. I never stopped asking hard questions, but most importantly I really took the time to grow into myself and deal with my emotional baggage. If you are trans or know someone who is trans, no harm can come from waiting on big life changing medical decisions. No harm can come from therapy and learning to love yourself. No part of any human being’s body is disgusting. I’ve spent a long time thinking certain parts of my body were disgusting and awful. I’ve hated pieces of myself because they didn’t fit the image I created but the truth is no one needs to create an image. You’re not an image, you’re a person.

You’re special just as you are. It feels like anywhere you go these days people want to know what your collection of labels is. How many of the LGBTQ letters do you check off and what minority group do you belong to? You’re not a fucking spice rack, you don’t need to be labeled and categorized. It’s completely perfect to be a normal average human being, no additives needed.

This isn’t to say that labels are worthless. I understand people’s ability to find community through them and there is nothing wrong with that, but the world seems to want to take you off the A list if you don’t show up with a fist full of labels. Don’t be tricked by that. Be true to yourself and cut the madness of social pressure. Give yourself time to grow into your own person.

The truth is usually in the middle. Truth is I’m not the transman I thought I was and that’s okay. I have still decided to keep my male name and some days you’ll catch me in a suit and others in a dress, but I know who I am now. I’m me, no additives, no labels needed. I am a special and amazing person just the way I am.

Image from google images

I know some people will believe I’m being transphobic and go ahead and think what you want but I’ve walked the path. The sand is in my shoes. I’ve taught gender identity, I’ve studied gender theory. I’ve written papers and read textbooks. I’ve done research. I’ve been credited, but more than anything, I’ve lived it. I understand it and I understand how misleading pain can be. So don’t give up on yourself because you’re hurting. There is nothing wrong with you because you’re in pain. You’re simply healing and growing. Take the time to let that happen and you might find, just like I did, that being yourself is easier than you know.

This is my detransitioning story. This is the story of me.

Thank you for reading.

-XReal