5 Myths About George W. Bush As We Celebrate The 100th Annual George W. Bush Day
By: Michael Lodato
Tags: Humor, America, Politics, George W Bush, Satire

Today in the year 2127 we celebrate the 100th annual George W. Bush Day, a day commemorating a man widely remembered as the greatest statesman and adventurer of the 21st century. But with the benefit of hindsight, historians say that we have an inaccurate view of his legacy. It turns out that not everything that Bush accomplished was quite as great as we tend to believe, but the man was a product of his time, and he still had some pretty good qualities. To learn more, let’s go through the top 5 myths about the man behind the holiday, President George W. Bush.

Myth #1: George Bush uncovered weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

You may have heard that Bush, ever the intrepid explorer, scoured every inch of Iraq until he found a treasure trove of nuclear weapons. This is a common misconception, because Bush never had his sights on anything like that. In fact, when Bush originally proposed his voyage to the United Nations, he won them over with an artful description of a land teeming with milk, honey, and crude oil. Sure, a barrel of crude oil is no atomic bomb, but it’s still worth celebrating.

Myth #2: George Bush won the 2000 election legitimately.

We all remember hearing those incredible tales from our youth about how Bush captivated the country and won the 2000 election. However, political scientists now believe Bush got fewer votes than his opponent. Before we pass judgment, we must keep in mind that “winning” meant something very different back then. Experts have shown that cheating was always an integral part of the American electoral process. Some of us might look down upon this behavior, but it’s important to be understanding. The 2000s were a different time, a time before Florida had sunk into the ocean.

Myth #3: George Bush saved countless lives by pioneering the practice of waterboarding.

Although Bush definitely used waterboarding, there is sadly no evidence that he saved any lives, leading some biographers to wonder why he believed in it. But contemporary researchers have concluded that, back then, waterboarding was simply a national pastime. Some Bush fans have gone as far as to say that Bush discovered waterboarding, but this is sheer hyperbole; he merely popularized the practice. You could only say that Bush “discovered” waterboarding in the sense that Usher discovered Bieber. While some might like to think that Bush came up with the idea himself, the historical record shows that earlier pioneers beat him to it, specifically the 11th-century Vikings.

Myth #4: George Bush was known for his soaring oratory abilities.

It is common to imagine George Bush as a Pericles-like figure of the early 2000s. However, scholars claim that this image is not quite right―Bush was more of an Oscar Wilde-type character. Even though Bush was never the best public speaker, we can’t forget about the ways Bush contributed to our vernacular. His famous aphorisms, which linguists call “Bushisms,” are still in use today. For example, just as actors ironically say “break a leg” to encourage their peers, we now say “Mission Accomplished” whenever someone makes an irreparable, asinine mistake. Why? Because George W. Bush was a comic genius.

Myth #5: Bush did 9/11.

This myth is perpetuated by extremists bent on ruining the reputation of a man who lived a nearly perfect life. Fortunately, historians have cleared his name of this accusation, and we now know for a fact what we always assumed: this heinous atrocity was committed by Hillary Clinton.

We hope our breakdown of 5 myths about George W. Bush doesn’t spoil your George W. Bush Day weekend. In light of these revelations, some argue that we should rename the holiday for someone who accomplished more. The debate will go on, but this author feels that there is certainly no need to change the name of George W. Bush Day. Besides, even if we needed to rename the holiday, there are not many options available, since Rumsfeld Day is next week and Cheney Day is, of course, every Friday of the year.