What Not to Say to a Survivor of Sexual Assault
By: Laura Fox
Tags: Rape, Sexual Assault, Equality, Women, This Happened To Me

It’s hard to find anyone who hasn’t experienced sexual assault or at least knows someone who has. But despite it being so prevalent, we still don’t know how to talk about it. And we really don’t know how to speak to survivors.

Even people who have experienced sexual assault have said some pretty damaging things to me. It’s unsurprising when we live in a culture that normalises not believing survivors.

Don’t say: “Oh… Okay…. Hmm…”

And especially don’t leave it at that.

It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. There’s nothing you can say that will fix the situation.

Instead, be honest about how you are feeling and let the survivor take the lead. For example:

“I really don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine what you are going through. I want to be there for you so please tell me how I can support you.”

Don’t say: “Everything happens for a reason.”

Just don’t.

Even if this is a belief that personally helps you, it’s often inappropriate to push it on other people. Although you mean well, you are likely to be retraumatising the survivor.

People do heal from trauma and become stronger. But you don’t need trauma to build strength. Strength comes from having supportive people around you. By telling someone, “this happened for a reason” you are being unsupportive. In fact, it borders on victim-blaming.

Instead, you could avoid using that expression altogether and express yourself like this:

“I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you will get through this. And I will be there for you every step of the way.”

Don’t say: “It wasn’t ‘rape-rape’. It could have been worse.”

If someone has plucked up the courage to share their story with you, it’s cruel to compare their suffering to someone else’s.

Sexual assault is an umbrella term that covers a wide variety of possible ways someone can be victimised. Sometimes this won’t be rape. Sometimes it won’t be the stereotypical version of a sexual attack that you have in your mind.

No matter what has happened to the survivor, it has traumatised them. Whether it was violent, coercive, their partner, someone they didn’t know, an attempted attack, sexual harassment, or revenge porn — what happened to them was wrong. Why add to that wrongdoing by being unsupportive?

Instead, don’t make a comment. Do not compare it to anything. Just don’t. Even if it’s well-intentioned and what you are trying to say is that you are glad it wasn’t “worse”. If you really feel the need to say something, word it like this:

“I’m glad you survived. I’m glad you’re still here.”

Don’t say: “Did you try to stop them?”

This is an incredibly ignorant thing to say. And it’s victim-blaming.

When we are in danger, our response is either to fight, flight, or freeze. It is very common for people to freeze during a traumatic event.

“Freezing occurs when the amygdala — a crucial structure in the brain’s fear circuitry — detects an attack and signals the brainstem to inhibit movement. It happens in a flash, automatically and beyond conscious control.” — “Why many rape victims don’t fight or yell” by Jame W. Hopper of The Washington Post

It’s not someone’s fault they were assaulted. And their response should not be judged. Reactions to trauma are involuntarily and an attempt to protect oneself.

If someone confides in you that they didn’t do anything during their assault, respond in a supportive and non-judgmental way. If you must express a judgment, it should be directed at the attacker. Even if they have done something you don’t understand, like being friends with the attackers afterward.

“It’s not your fault. It’s not your responsibility. They are the ones in the wrong. They shouldn’t have put you in that position.”

Don’t say: “Not all men/women are like that.”

It is understandable if the survivor is struggling to trust people. Although it’s true that not everyone will hurt them, they may not be ready to hear this yet. Responding to their story with “not all men” or “not all women” will most likely make them feel invalidated and ashamed for feeling distrustful.

Instead, respond with empathy and understanding:

“I totally get why you don’t trust people. You’re trying to protect yourself. The trust will come back in time.”

Don’t say: “Why are you only coming forward now?”

This question instantly tells the person you don’t believe them.

Statistically, it’s very rare that someone lies about sexual assault. Only 2–8% of rapes are falsely reported. This is the same percentage as any other crime.

The fear of not being believed is often the reason why people don’t come forward for a long time. And if the attacker is a popular person, it’s even harder for them to come forward. This can be seen in the example of Harvey Weinstein’s case. As one of the most powerful men in Hollywood, not only would they not be believed, they would be silenced and have their careers ruined.

Survivors may also fear reprisal, especially if they know their attacker. This strongly influences reporting statistics. Only 25 percent of sexual assaults are reported to the police if the attacker is known to the victim, compared to 46 -66 percent when the attacker is a stranger.

Many survivors know their attackers. In a study conducted by Glasgow University, it was found that more than 90% of rape and sexual assault victims knew their attacker.

“But negative consequences are not the only thing to keep victims from coming forward. Experts point to a more fundamental issue: When the perpetrator is someone they trusted, it can take years for victims even to identify what happened to them as a violation.” -Shaila Dewan, the New York Times

Although you may have many unanswered questions, the survivor is not obliged to answer them. Instead, take responsibility for educating yourself. Do not let your ignorance retraumatise a survivor. If you are going to comment on them coming forward, it should make the survivor feel believed:

“I’m glad you told me. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been to keep this to yourself all this time.”

Don’t say: “But hasn’t this happened to you before?”

Statistics show that attackers tend to choose victims who have previously been assaulted. It’s not impossible for someone to experience sexual assault more than once in their lives. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Centre, more than one-third of women who report being raped before age 18 also experience rape as an adult.

By questioning the survivor, you are making them feel disbelieved and that what happened was their fault. Don’t question them. Instead, offer reassurance that you believe them:

“I’m so sorry this has happened to you again. I believe you. I’m glad you told me. I want to be here for you. I think at a time like this you need someone you can count on. I want to be that person for you because you’ve been so horribly let down.”

Don’t say: “You need to report it to stop it happening to someone else.”

The survivor is most likely feeling guilty enough about what happened to them. Making them feel even more responsible for the attacker's actions won’t alleviate that guilt.

In an ideal world, reporting sexual assault would be easy and justice would be done. But in reality, it hardly ever works out that way. And not all survivors find it necessary to report their sexual assault in order to move forward. Many fear the justice system will re-victimise them due to the low prosecution rates for attackers.

“Only 9 percent of all rapists get prosecuted. Only 5 percent of cases lead to a felony conviction. Only 3 percent of rapists will spend a day in prison. The other 97 percent walk free.” - Probability Statistics Calculated By the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network, “Reporting Rates,” 2013

It is not up to the survivor to take responsibility for the attacker’s future actions. Support their choice not to report their assault, but offer to be there if they ever want to report it on the future: