I Will Use My Voice
By: Cary Bach Donahou
Tags: Childhood Sexual Abuse, Suicide Awareness, Life Lessons, PTSD, Healing From Trauma

How have I always had hope? No matter what there is always a spark of hope in me. On the worst days at the darkest times, when the only thing I believe is that I am unworthy to exist… somehow there is a spark of hope. Somehow, tomorrow arrives and I’ve made it.

Where does that come from? How has it not been extinguished? The more I delve into my past, and allow all that which I have crammed down into my body and out of mind to resurface, I am in complete awe with myself. I have watched mini series based on true events that haven’t even scratched the surface of what I am now remembering and there was no hope. The victims/survivors became addicted to drugs, gave up, released themselves from this world (I like that much better than committed suicide, I don’t think suicide is a crime or a sin — and I will never think less of anyone who has attempted it or succeeded) So many people give up, and it isn’t their fault. It was never their fault.

How many times when I was 12–14 years of age sat with a razor blade, in utter fucking despair, begging for the courage to kill myself. Or how many times did I pray to god to just let me die. Please let the hurt end and take me home so I don’t have to feel this anymore. I hurt so fucking bad inside and had been left to deal with and process all the abuse on my own. But I could never do it. You know why? I was afraid that I would miss out. I didn’t know what might be coming and I had hope that it was better.

Some of it was better, and some of it was not. I was conditioned to accept abuse as love, and my life is filled with abuse. I don’t think I could even remember all of it, and some of it was so trivial compared to others it isn’t even worth worrying over. That is some seriously fucked up shit. How can humans do this to other human beings? How can one human dehumanize another? I can come up with explanations about what trauma and abuse they may have went through… but that is all it is. An explanation. It can never be an excuse. Never. We all have choices.

I have a choice and a voice. A voice that I am going to use, over and over again. When you look the other way, and allow abuse to continue because it’s not “your place” to call it out, or say something… your silence allows it to continue. Yes, the abuser is the one at fault, but anyone who knows and keeps silent… it’s on you as well. We have got to learn how to stand up for one another. Abuse can no longer stay in the dark. We have got to protect our children and the people who need us most.

Not everyone has the spark of hope that was inextinguishable in me. And for each of them I write. I speak up. We can no longer allow this to live in the dark and turn the other way. Yes it hurts. It effects everyone on this earth. 1 in 4 girls & 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused. That means you or someone you know has been directly affected.

This is your fight. This is all of our’s fight. Do not let the light of their hope extinguish because you don’t know what to do, or because it’s safer and easier to look the other way. We have got to do more than believe. We have got to stand up. We have got to stand up for each other. That time is now. Right now, just start standing up, and each time it will get easier and inspire others to do the same. Never give up hope. Each person who is being abused is worth standing up for. Stand up!