Why My Partner Was Right To Divorce Me
By: Stephen Chamberlin
Tags: Self Improvement, Marriage, Divorce, Love, Self-awareness

Why My Partner Was Right To Divorce Me

My marriage of eleven years was my blind spot. I felt secure in marriage despite my neglect of the relationship and of my wife.

I felt secure because my wife was strong and I refused to pay attention to the increased distance between us caused by my neglect. Her resilience and forbearance provided a false sense of security. I ran with it. I was willfully blind to the damage I was doing. This willful blindness persisted for five years.

I felt secure because despite the nagging voice in my head SCREAMING at me to treat my wife and the relationship with more respect…to nurture it…to stop ignoring the reality my behavior was creating….I always thought “tomorrow I will begin to be a better husband” and ignored the voice.

I felt secure because I allowed myself to believe that there would always be a tomorrow to undo the damage. This line of thought is fatal.

I felt secure because I was sure my strong partner understood that I had to “make it” and “keep it” professionally before we could truly seek contentment and live our lives together.

I felt secure because my ego lied to me and convinced me the marriage would last a lifetime.

My partner decided she had had enough.

There had been thousands of tomorrows and nothing changed. There would be no more tomorrows for this marriage. Time had run out. The irony was that I am not, in any other respect, a procrastinator. Yet here, in the most important venture of my life, I allowed procrastination to kill it.

In retrospect, I see clearly that the partnership was foundering largely due to my insane focus on a transient professional career over what I had hoped to be a lifetime partnership. I ludicrously valued occasional and fleeting professional affirmation over the consistent personal (and far more valuable) personal affirmation provided to me on a daily basis by my partner.

At the time I felt sucker-punched. I didn’t see it coming. It was willful blindness, but nonetheless, it was powerful blindness. We can maintain the most ridiculous illusions just to avoid confronting a challenging situation,

I tried everything to turn things around. But it was too late.

I blew it. It was over. My partner was right to be suspicious of my sudden turnaround. I would have been absolutely incredulous if the situation had been reversed.

However, I was the one shouting “I’ve changed!” and I was sincere. And three years later I have maintained that change. I am proud of that and do not know if it would have been possible had I not been such a poor partner for so many years.

One of the attributes that attracted me to my wife was the very fact that she did not need me. Our relationship was based on mutual respect and attraction. Its genesis was healthy. It would last forever. But I neglected to consider the fact that strong people who are with a partner for healthy reasons are not codependent. People who are not codependent WILL leave if the relationship becomes unhealthy.

I was traumatized by this, the biggest loss of my life. For years I had feared professional failure. Pleasing a series of temporary bosses. Always attempting to win their affirmation. All the while ignoring the thing most important — my life partner.

However, the metaphorical sledgehammer blow to my head also woke me in a way that nothing else ever would have or could have.

Here is what I learned.

My drive — what made me an excellent professional — was largely a product of extreme anxiety that compelled me to never turn the job off for fear of making a mistake, for fear of disappointing a boss, for fear of letting myself down. Ultimately I had a pathological need for professional affirmation and validation — as ephemeral as that is.

My career and marriage behind me now, I realize how misguided my hyper-focus on a career over a lifetime of contentment with a partner was.

I allowed my EGO to dictate my decisions.

This ensured that my professional life would always reign over my personal life.

Ego-driven decisions never prioritize a personal relationship.

I was uncompromising despite knowing from experience that compromise is essential in a relationship.

I was selfish and took my wife’s forbearance for granted.

I lacked even an iota of self-awareness.

Selfishness, unchecked ego, unwillingness to compromise, misguided priorities. All are fatal to a relationship. All are hallmarks of the tragically un-self-aware.

I have not “fixed” all of these problems, but I have experienced substantial personal growth. Too late to save our relationship, but to be honest I doubt I would have woken up had the divorce not happened.

I am aware of my anxiety and its impact on personal relationships and I am in the early stages of effectively managing my feelings and behavior because I now realize that, for me, the importance of a long-term intimate relationship far outstrips any fleeting feeling of professional accomplishment.

I am aware of my ego. When it rises up — I tamp it down. It is the devil on my shoulder. But now I can feel its weight and recognize its whisper.

I understand that I can choose not to compromise — and that choice requires me to run solo. This is my choice right now. Not forever.

I understand that if I decide to enter a relationship I must compromise and I must value that relationship over the ‘benefits’ of not radical selfishness. I will not begin a new relationship without a concurrent willingness to compromise in all aspects of my life.

I realize that there are no more “tomorrows”. There is only today. Today is the day to acknowledge the strength and beauty of a relationship. Today is the day to communicate appreciation, respect and love to a partner. Not tomorrow. Now.