Being Part of The Spectrum of Non-binary Gender
By: Etapatra Aranyani
Tags: Transgender, Nonbinary, Fiction, LGBTQ, Pronouns

At times, I would end up misgendering myself while thinking about myself out of habit, having gotten used to being referred to as a girl and by she/her pronouns even if those things caused me discomfort. I didn’t realize this was a valid trans experience until I saw another trans person express a similar view on a discord server. Too often, we seek external validation that who we are is genuine, and I was no different in that regard. We are who we are, and who we are doesn’t have to be backed up by research or history in order to be valid.

I still find myself seeking external validation at times, wanting people to see me as the gender I really am. In this regard, cis people who confirm to gender norms have it easier in that they are usually perceived as the gender they are.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

But there is no real universally recognized framework for what a non-binary person looks like. Usually androgyny is perceived as non-binary, but non-binary people do not owe anyone androgyny in order to be considered non-binary. Similarly, nobody should have to ‘pass’ as the gender they are in order to be referred to by their correct pronouns and considered as their true gender identity.

I’m still struggling with the idea of wanting the way I externally look to match my gender identity. It’s not that it’s wrong to want the way you look to align with your gender, but it’s just that I wish to examine my relationship with gender expression.

I sometimes wonder if maybe the only reason I, as an AFAB agender person, want to look more masculine is so that people will stop misgendering me as the gender I was assigned at birth. While it would still be misgendering me to consider me male in gender, I personally don’t mind it as much because it’s not the gender I was (wrongly) assigned at birth. That is one reason I feel more inclined to present masculine. Another is practicality, as most things society deems 'masculine’, from clothing to behavior, seem more inclined towards being practical and convenient. On the flip side, much of conventional femininity is rooted in ideas of aesthetic beauty and submission.

But beyond that, I sometimes feel more inclined towards masculinity in terms of expression because femininity was something that I was already allowed to partake in, while there were limits as to how masculine I was allowed to be.

Trans people in general often feel pressured to present in ways directly opposite to those of their AGAB in order to be seen as ‘valid’ trans people, and this is an unfortunate notion because it excludes trans people who present in ways closer to those expected of their AGAB.

I’m still figuring out my own ideas of gender expression and how I want to present myself, even though I already know my gender identity. I yearn for a day when everyone’s pronouns and genders are respected, even if that day likely won’t arrive anytime soon. It seems strange to me how in some fictional worlds created in an inclusive manner, everyone just seems to know everyone’s pronouns instead of sharing pronouns. That sort of narrative element makes me concerned that in the fictional world, gender and pronouns are still somewhat assumed.

Case in point: In the TV series She-Ra and the Princesses of Power,which takes place in a world known as Etheria, there is a non-binary character named Double Trouble, a trans woman character named Perfuma, and a trans man character named Jewelstar. All of them are always referred to by the correct pronouns in-universe, even by the show’s most evil villains, which is a good thing, and is heavily in contrast with the way the pronouns and genders of trans people aren’t always respected in this world.

Perfuma

Double Trouble

Jewelstar

The only thing that bothers me about this is how the pronouns appear to be assumed, as I feel that puts pressure on trans people to look a certain way in order to have their pronouns respected. The approach I personally prefer is the practice of sharing pronouns, which allows everyone to be open about their preferred pronouns when it is safe to do so. In Mason Deavor’s book I Wish You All The Best, the non binary protagonist, Ben, and their friend Nate attend an lgbt+ meetup run by Ben’s non-binary friend Mariam, and everyone shares their pronouns in that scene. That is more reflective of the way pronouns tend to work in this world, and is inclusive of people who do not necessarily ‘pass’ as their gender.

The cover of Deavor’s book

I suppose that not every creator makes the decision to include pronoun-sharing in their work(s), but to me pronoun-sharing seems more effective than pronoun-assuming. I suppose Etheria was written as a world that is more inclusive of lgbt+ identities, while Deavor’s book is set in this world, which is markedly less inclusive. There is a stark contrast between the way Double Trouble is automatically referred to by they/them pronouns and the way many people who use those pronouns in our world are told that their pronouns are ‘inconvenient’ or ‘incorrect’, except in non-binary-safe spaces, and often have to disclose their pronouns to be referred to correctly.

Inclusivity starts with individuals making small changes, and the acceptance of trans and non-binary people in society is no different. We can slowly normalize sharing pronouns when it is safe to do so. We can respect the pronouns people want others to use for them. We can make this world more inclusive.