Care, but let it not matter
Tags: Personal, Life Lessons, Human Behavior, Endof2020, Personal Growth

Date: 20th December, 2020

I will near the end of my thirty-fifth year of life by the close of the next quarter.

At this juncture, one lesson stands out as the most significant to me. I have realized that there is a difference between I, ‘caring for people’ and ‘people mattering’ to me. And my happiness and peace of mind depends on how well I navigate between the two in a balanced manner.

Let me attempt to explain.

Years ago, there was this destitute elderly woman. Disheveled, she had been sitting along the edge of the open and smelly sewer on the road. She was immobile most times, likely due to a medical condition that wouldn’t allow her to stand on her feet. But every day, at some point, she was struggling to drag herself to a cleaner spot. The area where she squatted would often be filthy with random leftovers she survived on. I had been seeing her from the window of my apartment for almost a week. That troubled me daily.

So, the young me, at a whim got a hot and healthy meal prepared for her with choicest of the food items. The food was kept before her in a dignified manner along with a bottle of fresh water. She began eating her meal, one morsel at a time. From a distance, I felt the satisfaction being able to soothe a troubled soul. Or so I thought. As I kept looking, sudden, ‘horror’, if I may call it so, struck.

The woman started throwing the food items in the gutter. The good food that included proteins and sweets with exotic dry fruits and more; I was aghast.

Moments later, she was once again the squatter woman staring into the sky.

I went bonkers. Questions hounded me — What went wrong? Did she not like the food? Was it too hot? Was she mad? At her age couldn’t she understand the value of food? Couldn’t she have kept the sweets to consume later?

That night I didn’t sleep well. And I had thoughts that had continued to disturb me before I finally got over them.

Further in time, a little older then, I encountered another such instance. This time, there was an old lady outside a railway station. Her condition seemed to be similar. I used to pass by her daily. One late night, I was overcome by a feeling to do my bit. I tapped her. She looked up. I handed her a juicy apple that I had pulled out of my bag. She accepted.

I glanced at the face. But this once, I turned and sped off. I did not look back. Thoughts like — Should I have cut the apple? Would she be able to bite into the solid apple? Were her teeth strong enough considering her age? Should I have tried to give her some liquid food? — had already starting hitting me. But I was shutting them doggedly. I pacified myself — I cared enough to give her some food. That’s the least I could do. Now it doesn’t matter, if she will eat or throw it away. It is not my concern.

That night I slept well.

Clearly, I had cared for strangers in both cases. In the first case, the sight of old lady’s predicament had troubled me. But her actions had tormented me for long. I was sad and angry too. She had mattered to me in ways. It mattered if she ate well or not. In the latter instance, what the other lady would do or did, I would not let it get to me. That way she or her actions would not have any impact on me. I did not let it matter to me beyond a point.

The moot point is that it is no point to care and chase the well-being of people after a point. Especially, if they don’t call upon you explicitly.

I say ‘care’. We are humans after all, and we must be human. But don’t care as much that it matters to you so much that it can hurt you.

When we care, we ‘get involved’. At instances, we get protective . We love with abandon. We look at it as a natural act — to care for parents, friends, colleagues and even strangers. We think of ways to watch our buddies and to make partners comfortable. We build up many scenarios in our heads to assess which one will create most bliss and try to replicate it in real life. All is good, right? That’s what makes relationships tick right?

In fact, when there are rough patches in relationships, you seek ways to work out. Sometimes you comprise. And the other person or persons in question also do so.

Yet, in more cases, as you go deeper without a guard or barrier — people do come to resent you. And that is even if you harbour good intentions for people or even institutions you adore. They may abandon you. They will call, what you see as thoughtfulness, thoughtlessness or even recklessness. This may invite larger misgivings against you. What’s worse? Your attitude of care may lead you into a loop of ‘what ifs’ and ‘whys’ when you wonder why you are being treated the way you. The more you try to untangle the knots, the more complicated things get. It could sink you.

Let’s consider an extreme, but hypothetical, scenario. You realize that your friend has suicidal tendencies. You can try to convey that you are there if they need you. If they break-down and say it loud, you can advise them against it or offer a warm hug. At most, you can alert someone. That’s your care. Done.

But here’s where it goes awry. It matters so much that you keep thinking about it. You keep checking their status messages and posts. You keep calling to ask if all is well. Your friend may get annoyed. They may ask you to back off. But as a sense of attachment and duty, you keep you at it. And one day, when you’ve done it all, you hear the news. They had to do it, they did it. The friend is gone. You could not prevent the death. You may end up blaming yourself for not having been able to do anything. And it wouldn’t even be your fault.

This is the sad truth. And in no way, do I want to sound crude. But it happens.

Why? Because you take your ‘care’ to a level that people ‘matter’ so much that that you go beyond. You over love. You overthink. You overplay your place in people’s lives. Worse still, you refuse to back off when explicitly asked to do so. That’s exactly where ‘not mattering’ matters most. Draw lines. Your happiness is important.

I reiterate — care for people. But people shouldn’t matter so much that we end up hurting or isolating ourselves.

Call this a misguided notion, if you must. But this is my realization and I intend to live by it. A spate of events, especially in the latter part of my life, make me believe this. I will be mindful, but I won’t let it matter beyond a point. I will ask and help all I can, once or twice, and then back off without feeling offended if I aren’t needed. I may once in a while reach out but not to the extent that I will be allow them to make a home in my head and heart.

I can say this of me today — I care for myself, but it doesn’t matter whether I take the next breath or not. I am at peace.