Our Wedding: The Ultimate COVID Party
By: Christopher Shelley
Tags: Humor, Health, Satire, Weddings, Covid 19

Come and get it

Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

On our wedding day, we want to share our happiness with the people who matter to us most, and to use them to see if the Coronavirus is real.

The guest who contracts Covid-19 first will win fabulous prizes and get to keep the virus!

Guest Count

Here in Ohio, scientists determined that it’s safe to gather 300 people. We’re expecting 265 because a few invitees already died from Covid after attending gatherings of 301 people.

Signage

We’re not going to let ignorance run rampant at our COVID wedding! Our ‘SPREADucation’ signage will highlight victory symptoms: respiratory failure, heart attack, stroke, chronic unrelenting fever, fatigue, chest pain, cough, difficulty breathing. So much to look forward to, also death maybe!

Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue

My dress is fashioned entirely from my grandmother’s used Kleenex collection.

The $995 for my Valentina Garavani Rockstud Caged poudre-colored pumps came out of my federal stimulus check.

My bouquet is 6,000 intertwined used Covid swabs.

My underwear is my mask.

Ceremony

Our guests will take turns ‘warming the rings’ in their dirty hands and licking them with their garbage disposal tongues.

During the ceremony, the Best Man will hold the rings in his nostrils.

Before we exchange the rings in the ceremony, Kirk and I will lick them too.

My loudest brother is going to read ‘The Art of Marriage’ by screaming it Sam Kinneson-style in front of an 18 inch Black and Decker oscillating stand fan pointed at the guests.

After all our guests sneeze onto our unity scarf, our immediate family will use their dirty filthy petri dish hands to wrap the wet, foul, disgusting unity scarf around our revolting, contaminated, stomach-churning, germ-mosh-pit hands while mumbling hand-fasting language through their unmasked, asymptomatic particle-dart-strewing faces into our unmasked bacteria-dartboard faces.

Just like in church, everybody will shake their neighbors’ repellent, microorganism-ridden hands and everybody is also encouraged to make out with each other in a nasty, debauched Caligula microbe-orgy manner.

As we recess, our guests will shower us with used grape Hubba Bubba chewing gum.

Photos

We’re combining family photos with a game of Twister! (Family members can’t get the virus from each other: that’s why everybody got a plus-one.)

Cocktail Hour

During cocktail hour, unmasked, ungloved, Covid-19-positive catering staff will distribute flutes of ‘ShamPain’ and plates of ‘Horror- d’oeuvres’.

Unmasked, ungloved mixologists will create themed signature drinks like MAGAritas, MASKatinis, Long Island ICUs, and my personal favorites, Rum and Hoax.

Reception

At the reception, we’re seating our least vulnerable, less vulnerable and most vulnerable guests together at the same tables.

Our Swedish-themed buffet will be a smorgasbord of pathogens.

We’ll have finger foods, a dipping station and a Seinfeld-inspired double-dipping station.

Dancing

Our 300 guests will dance with their icky gross despicable hands in the air like they just don’t care about the sanctity of human life.

The enclosed indoor dance hall will rock with classic dances like the MAGArena, the Electrically Powered Ventilator Slide and our Covid Testing Conga Line.

Other Wedding Details

Our wedding logo is a pair of crossed fingers.

Our wedding hashtag is: #NiceSpread.

Because the enclosed proximity and inevitable French kissing that will take place in our photo booth could kill you, we’re calling it the ‘John Wilkes-Booth’.

Our guest book is the perfect place to droplet us a line! All guests will use the same pen, which I will personally fellate.

Prizes

Caskets, Urns, Burial Plots, Crypts, Cremation services, black clothing from Kohl’s, bragging rights, last rites.