10 irrational gardening thoughts
By: Shamontiel L. Vaughn
Tags: Funny Story, Chrysanthemum, Humor, Homeowners, Gardening

I knew I’d forever crossed over to the dark side when one of my neighbors found me hanging half my body out the window. Could I have gone outside to just take the photograph? Yes, yes I could. But opening the entire screen and sliding out of the window to my waist line seemed like a good idea at the time. I wanted a photograph of the white mum (or chrysanthemums) at just the right angle.

“You know you can come outside, right?” I heard a man ask.

I didn’t even want to look up. When I had this bright idea, the sidewalk was empty. I checked beforehand because I knew I’d for sure look ridiculous doing this from a first-floor window.

I tilted my head up and responded to him with a rational explanation.

“You weren’t supposed to see this,” I said. He laughed and kept walking around to his door.

I wondered later, “If I told him I was a November baby*, could that have made a difference?” But I’m pretty sure he’d have still made fun of me — 11/11/11 Maui birthday stories and all. Whatevs. I got my chrysanthemum photograph.

I’ve become the kind of gardener who doesn’t “look” like a gardener, a tattooed gardener** who makes irrational lawn decisions in her socially isolating days. Here are 10 of my thoughts as a new gardener over the past two months.

My (not-so-deep thoughts) as a nuance gardener:

I’m aware I’m a vegetarian of 15 years and supposed to be friendly to animals. But if that rabbit shows up in my lawn one more day to eat the grass seed and fertilizer, we’re slap-boxing.

I bought this apron in San Francisco about 15 years ago. I have used it for cooking less than 10 times. I prefer staining clothes and cursing when detergent doesn’t get the stains out. (Photo credit: Shamontiel L. Vaughn)

2. Why do people use aprons for cooking? There are so many amazing pockets on this thing, just big enough to hold both of my smartphones and keys while I’m fighting with the garden hose.

3. Suede lace-less Skechers were not made for walking in wet grass. Who knew?

4. Rain in the forecast is the best news ever. It means I don’t have to water the grass. Let’s get a move on here, sun! Let the rain do what it do.

5. After being sprayed with weed removal, grass looks like a balding man’s head. I need men who were successful with Rogaine to teach me how to make Weed & Feed still kill the weeds but keep the grass. Otherwise all these bottles are a scam.

6. Second Amendment enthusiasts really should use hose-end weed sprayers more often. Nothing will make you feel more like a bad ass than pedestrians moving out of your way while you’re annihilating weeds with sunglasses on.

Photo credit: StockSnap/Pixabay

7. Whoever describes “boredom” as “watching grass grow” has clearly never experienced the high stress load of seeing sidewalk dodgers, or run outside barefoot to keep birds away from newly seeded soil.

8. People who litter on clean grass don’t have mothers that love them. Why else could they possibly be so mean?

9. Mosquitoes must look at gardeners with their pants legs rolled up the way I looked while watching tWitch in the mirror scene of “Magic Mike XXL.”

10. Washing your hair in the shower is fine, but trying to connect multiple hoses together achieves the same goal. Just put shampoo in your hair ahead of time so you can save yourself a trip. It’s a given that one difficult hose will spray you right in the face, but just trickle when it’s on the sidewalk.

* Astrology-obsessed people know that chrysanthemums are the birth flower for November babies.

** Do not confuse me with the children’s book author with way more tattoos, who is far more experienced with plants and impressively describes current leadership as “uncaring, delusional fuckwits’ from the Donald and Boris show.”