Journey with Panic Attacks, Depression and a Pink Lipstick
By: Udayarka Jaladanki
Tags: Support, Mental Health, Womens Health

A sudden burst of an electrifying sensation in the spine..

A racing heart..

A feeling of numbness..

An intense fear of the unknown

A blocked mind

& Profound sweating

Time and place never mattered to these attacks. They had left me in a deep sense of fear, embarrassment, not letting me sleep, think, or act normally. A daily living had become a struggle, but yet had to be normal. I only had one thing in my mind, I should act strong in front of my tiny girls, who’s world was their mom, and a confident wife to a very loving husband. I did not want to act in front of my family, but wanted to live with them. I wanted to share it with the people around me for support, but it was always encountered with a set of mixed reactions, leaving me lonely. I researched it through every possible resource and educated myself about these panic attacks. Though they say the cause is still unknown, I helped myself and coped from this disorder through my will power and determination.

Passing of time and with the shift in our lives, it started to reappear and this time with a bang and in bouts. Feelings of sadness, loneliness, unworthiness, and fear had wrapped around me, and I couldn’t get out. Terrible nightmares and crying had made me sleepless for many days and years. This piled up, making me emotional, highly reactive, temperamental, and extremely guilty that my family was suffering because of me. But the voidness filled me so much that there was no motivation left to brighten myself. I wanted to pour it out with my closest people but the social stigma about these things prevented me. I felt that they might think I am crazy and brush me off saying “what’s wrong with you when everything around you is alright?” Pretending that I am not weak and everything was okay was much more easier than acknowledging my pain. This had made me lonelier inside and left me believing that nobody would understand what I was going through.

In spite of all these disturbances at home, I was blessed with an extremely patient husband who had never stepped back from helping me get back to myself. I had explored and underwent various therapies, from clinical psychotherapies to alternative energy modalities. Though these therapies were giving me temporary relief, it did not help in getting back to make me think that everything was normal. It was only later, I had realized that the seed for the cure was in my mind and must start introspecting. I will say that I felt very proud of myself for my determination to find the cause or roots of the problem. A smallest gestures can sometimes give you immense joy and a heartwarming thought from a friend had also strengthened me so much that I felt positive that I could do it. It was the day when I had mentioned to her about how I was feeling low, and the way she reciprocated by driving all the way for forty miles bringing me my favorite pink lipstick and, a cup of tea had brought a spark inside me. That was the first time I perceived that it was okay not to be okay all the time.

The quest to heal had begun,

What we are today is sum of all what we were until yesterday. Accept your strengths and weaknesses without inhibitions for a better present and a brighter future. I believe that this makes you a master of your own self.

Looking back I would describe myself as a happy-go-lucky child, who was full of imagination, curiosity, dreams, and colors. I had always pictured myself as a doctor and a dancer. Being raised in a very pampered and a loving family, people bundling me up with immense sense of security, confidence and strength also made me so fearless that I would never shy away from voicing my thoughts if something was not fair. As a young child, I had always believed that relationships would remain forever and dreams are meant to be fulfilled.

Times change, circumstances change and so do your dreams. I could not pursue medicine. Dance which used to fill me with life and confidence had also ceased to be part of my life and suddenly everything seemed to be different. My most treasured people also were distancing from my life which I was not prepared for and the lively spirit inside me started to fade. I had restructured my thoughts and engraved that if you are perfect and composed, you could keep all the people and relationships intact. I always made sure that I try to understand them deeply, fulfilled my responsibilities and gave. my best in everything.

The words of my English lecturer still keeps echoing in my ears “A woman can keep her self respect only if she stays in her boundaries in any role and you give your hundred percent with whatever you do, but stay in your limit”. Though I felt suppressed and not happy when I could not express myself, I was contended that everybody around me was happy. I had never realized that this has created a deep rooted fear of loosing affection and failure even if I have a slightest disagreements of opinions with them. I failed to understand that we need to let go of things which we cannot control and you only loose if you cling on too much. These feelings of failure, fear, over judgements and disappointments with myself manifested into a present day mental struggle.

As Amitabh Bachchan sir said, “ excessiveness leads to extremities”. Even though it feels like I am trying to climb the same wall for hundred times with no result, I am taking a small step this time without thinking excessively about the results. I have to admit that I had taken lot of courage in taking my first step in sharing my story and acknowledging what I am undergoing. I don’t want to be perfect. and flawless. It’s okay if I am misunderstood by my actions or words, I am fighting a battle within myself and the smoke coming out might not always be good. This is a call out for so many out there who are going through their own unique battles, “you are not alone and you are going to experience an unconditional support and strength if you are willing to share your stories”.

Let’s all take a moment from our lives to understand what’s going on around us, and sometimes it’s the closest ones in our lives who are going unrecognized and unrealized as they are always taken for granted. Loneliness with your inner self is lethal. Let’s all teach our children that it’s okay not to be okay, and if they are going through any bad phases or mistakes, accept and acknowledge it. Then, guide them to the path of light. Being present with lots of love and support will make people feel alive and emotionally healthy.

Udayarka