A Letter to My Son: You Are More Than Your Penis
By: Bill Hinchen
Tags: Manhood, Humor, Parenting, Fatherhood, Life

Hey son. In a few years time you’ll be less dependent on us for everything and you’ll start to figure things out for yourself. Things like what it is to be you. I’ve already heard you chatting about girls do this and boys do that, so I guess I need to clear some things up. And by clear them up, I mean, explain how I see them, and then, well, it’s up to you to decide.

One day you’ll cross this arbitrary threshold and where you from being a boy, to being a man. There’s a lot of talk about what it means to be a man these days, and, I’ll be honest, it can be confusing.

People have a lot of ideas that they’ve learnt from other people — ideas they feel pretty strongly about. But very few people, it seems, have ever taken the time to stop and think about those ideas before sharing them.

So, here are some of the things I’ve thought about when it comes to growing up and ‘manhood’. Have a listen. Then, have a think for yourself.

Emotions

I’ll start here because it’s the easiest thing to dispell. Back when your grandad was a boy, the general theory was that ‘Men don’t cry’ — in fact, men weren’t show any of those so-called ‘weak emotions’ at all. If it wasn't excitement or anger you stayed quiet.

Men definitely weren’t meant to talk about how they felt. Women did that. If you were sad, you kept it to yourself. Bottled it up. And never spoke of it. EVER. If you were really upset, you put on a brave face and certainly never cried. You went to the park and punched a duck. Or something.

And that, my son, is all a load of old twaddle. Yes, we are men. But we are also humans. We all have emotions. We all get happy. We all get sad. Sometimes, we get so happy that we just can’t contain it any longer. We laugh, or shout, or cry. Other times, we get so sad that we’re overwhelmed. So we shout, or a whimper, or cry.

There is no shame in having or showing these emotions. There is no shame in being human with a range of proper responses to the situations life throws at us.

Dealing with others

The only time you ever need to control your emotions is when they affect others — when they might upset someone. There will be plenty of times when other people make you angry. They’ll drive you to levels of frustration and rage that make you want to lash out. You’ll want to scream and shout or even hit someone.

But resist. Wait. Breathe. There are only a finite number of things you can control in life, and one of the most powerful things under your control is your response and how you react.

If someone drives you right to the edge, step away. Think about why they’re acting like that. Very likely they’re missing some or all of the facts. In which case, enlighten them. It’s up to you to change what you can. If they’re aware of everything relevant, then perhaps it’s time to calmly explain that getting angry and speaking to you and others in such an inconsiderate way isn’t helpful to anyone. But you getting angry and lashing out also isn’t going to help.

You can be the bigger person here and ignore it. Smile at them. Even if they really are the terrible person you suspect them to be. That’s their problem.

Holding on to a grudge or getting angry about these things will only affect you — not them. It just eats you up while they have no idea and give zero cares about how you’re feeling.

You have the power to simply get over that. Be done with it. Move on. Move past those people and those situations.

Having an emotional response is fine. It’s normal. There’s nothing ‘unmanly’ about it. But getting angry and retaliating is pretty close to madness. And it’s you choice to give into that, or get over it. Almost everything is worse in your own head than it is in reality.

Chivalry

Traditionally, men did things for women. Mainly because we oppressed women for years, relegating them to second-class citizens while doing our best to keep them at home raising kids and out of sight! But that’s another story. The point is, that there was a time when men were expected to pay for women when dining out, to protect them, to shield them from harm or ridiculous things like offensive language.

Let me tell you this now: women are not delicate flowers.

They are not fragile beings that need protecting. And they are not pretty ornaments to be put on display. They are other human beings. And they are as strong and as vulnerable as you. They are as capable and fallible as you are. Never assume otherwise.

Should you hold doors open? Offer to pay the bill for dinner now and then? Protect? Defend? Yes! Absolutely yes! But you should do that for everyone. Be polite. Be considerate. Help others. Defend those who need protection. Support those in need. It has nothing to do with being a man or a woman, just about being a good person.

Interests

I’m very aware that your aunt is a beauty therapist and likes thing some people might describe as ‘girly’. But that isn’t because she’s a woman. And doing the opposite of those things doesn’t make you a man. Your aunt may like and do all of those things that you think are for girls, but she also built her business from scratch, turned it into an award-winning enterprise, bought her house, taught herself accounting, and overall became incredibly successful with very little help while raising two kids!

Don’t assume interests define someone.

I know it’s easy when you’re at school to think that girls do one thing, and boys do another. But it’s not true. Mum and I are both scientists. I hate football. Mum hates cooking. The world puts a lot of pointless and harmful focus on those ideas of what you’re supposed to be interested in. And of course, that’s all crap. It doesn’t matter what you do. It doesn’t matter that you’re a man who wants to do ballet or a woman or wants to be an engineer.

The only problem there is that so many people have ridiculous ideas in their head about what men and women are supposed to do and like. So when someone goes against those idea, it shocks and suprises people — they recoil from it and they think it’s ‘not right’. Which obvioulsy makes no sense at all. Don’t be one of those people. Support others in what they do and, in turn, they’ll support you and your interests.

No interests are intrinsically masculine or feminine. That distinction in wholly made up. You can safely ignore all of it.

All that matters is that you are enjoying whatever it is you’re doing. You cannot ever hope to affect how most people react to what you’re interested in so there’s zero point expending energy worrying about it. In the same way, there’s no point in trying to fit into some artificial mould if it’s going to make you unhappy.