Dear Dad. I Hope You are Miserable and have a Horrible Christmas
By: Markus Scorelius
Tags: Holidays, Narcissistic Abuse, Deadbeat Dads, This Happened To Me, Narcissism

Things that should be crimes

I know the sickness in your soul clouds your memory, making you forget all the horrible things you’ve done. Even though you’ll never believe it, I want to remind you of your crimes against your only son:

Attempted kidnapping.

Hurting my mother, making her feel unworthy and worthless.

Showing that you are the only person you care about, hurting me and those I love.

Attempted kidnapping, again.

Your hatred and disdain for my education, because it allowed me to survive without you.

Your hatred and disdain towards anyone who tried to be friends with me.

Your constant cruel words. Every day reminding me what a cunt you are, not that I needed the reminders. I never forgot.

You trying to indoctrinate me into your belief that the world is heartless and cruel. Trying to get me to believe that you were treating me with cruelty to train me for the wicked ways of the world.

Your undermining of my abilities at everything, making me doubt myself in any undertaking: sports, knowledge, relationships, and at work.

Avoiding any fatherly responsibility throughout my life.

Your irresponsibility with your finances. Using your gambling habit as an excuse to not pay child support or ever being there for me after childhood.

Keeping me awake at all hours of the night making sure that I never got a decent night’s sleep when near you.

Belittling everything I’ve done.

Shaming me, making me feel unworthy of respect or life.

You Compared me to a dog. You showed your dog more love than your only son. Making it obvious that the dogs mattered more to you than me. You made me compete with a dog for your love. Making me wish that a poor innocent dog would die.

Your constant attempts to manipulate the opinions of other family members to support and believe you over me.

Getting angry at me for using electricity. Acting as if I am unworthy of one of the most basic elements of modern life.

Never respecting me and my time. Making me wait, sometimes up to 6 hours, to eat. Getting angry when I didn’t jump immediately as you said, okay, we can eat now.

Your manipulative ways of trying to get me to live with or near you. Never accepting anything other than face-to-face as actual communication. Emails don’t count and you don’t know how to dial my phone number.

Your constant lies about everything. You even lied about immaterial things. You mastered the art of lying so much that your words began to physically hurt me when you spoke. That’s some dark ability.

Trying to convince me since I was very young that I wanted you to die. Always telling me that I would get a great inheritance when you die and that I couldn’t wait. It took you years of effort to finally get your wish. Yes, now I wish you were dead, but I want nothing from you. I especially don’t want to inherit your debt. You knew. You knew you were lying the whole time.

All I wanted was a father who loved me, but you could never see that. You are too much of an asshole, too much of a sociopath to understand that.

Of everything that you denied me and took away from me, killing my father and replacing him with you, a soulless, manipulative, lying replica was your greatest accomplishment.

Isolating me from others. Denying me the ability to get away from you. Making leaving the country the only option for me to escape.

Telling me, falsely, what my opinions were. Denying my actual existence again. Attempting to speak for me. Making me argue with you about my own beliefs and opinions, and still, not believing me, believing in your lies instead. Then getting angry at the opinions I didn’t hold, which you said I did, just to give you another twisted excuse to justify your treatment of me.

Demanding my sympathy for your petty problems. You especially like to do this during traumatic or trying times for me. Once again, denying any importance, any relevance of my life outside of you. You always took precedence.

Lately, smiling that smug smile at me. Showing that you either have no idea of the pain you’ve caused me, or that you are smiling, knowing that you beat me. You smile knowing how much damage you’ve caused and that there’s nothing I can do about it.

Ripping away my family from me. You didn’t like me having a mother who loved me. You didn’t like that your mother loved me. You were jealous of me when any family member gave any attention to me. You always had to come berate me and mock me with your jokes. You killed any real and loving interaction I could have had with any other family member with your constant monitoring and hoovering.

Denying that any event in my life happened if you didn’t see it, or that I did anything without it somehow being motivated by a desire to hurt you. Accusing me of lying, as you lie. Denying my existence outside of yourself. Anything that made me seem human, you denied. Anything that made me seem like a decent person, you mocked and invalidated.

Putting me down, mocking me, and invalidating me before any family gathering. You had to make sure that I was in a bad mood before any holiday, birthday, or family function. Making me miserable seemed to make you happy as you were always smiling, outgoing, and gregarious from the moment we arrived until the moment we left. Acting the whole time as if you didn’t know what was bothering me, as if I were just moody. Always acting like a decent person in front of others until the moment we left, and you’d start in again with your criticisms.

Always telling me how much I hated my job. You always increased this when I felt comfortable and/or successful. You increased your attacks even more when you found out I made more money than you. That was unacceptable. You had to sabotage my career.

Belittling my drams, laughing at my goals. Looking at me as if anything I aspired to was unreasonable. Pretending that my dreams were a gift from you, your creation, then acting as if you were burning them down, destroying the only place where I could go to escape from you, sleep.

You make every conversation into an argument, every argument into a stressful life or death scenario where I always fail in your make believe scenarios.

Trying to convince me that I would always be welcome in your house, then locking me out as punishment.

Testing my loyalty to you by making me lie to the rest of the family about your recent activities. Never telling me beforehand what I am supposed to lie about to protect you. Then, getting angry and disappointed in me when I didn’t know I was supposed to lie for you about a particular topic.

Telling me that my healthy food was “bad” or “communist” or “foreign” tossing it in the trash, ensuring that your processed and preservative enhanced food substitutes were the only things available to eat.

Acting if I were stupid and uninformed if I hadn’t heard of the latest kooky right-wing conspiracy.

Attacking my healthy well-developed sexual attitude, tearing it down until I was dysfunctional and nearly impotent.

Finally, showing me that you were through with me and decided to throw me away. But first, you had to show me your new family, your new son, and your grandchildren. You had to show me that I failed you and that I was easy to replace. You made it clear how much you cared for a family which isn’t yours, will never be yours, which you aren’t related to. You had to show me that you would do for them what you refused to do for me, provide a loving, comfortable, secure home.

Disowning me, refusing to speak to me, giving me the silent treatment, calling me an embarrassment to the family, calling me a liar, when the normal people I know say I’m too honest, after all that you have done, I cannot just let it go. No one has ever come close to treating me as horribly as you have.

You are hands down the worst person I’ve ever known. People say that Donald Trump is a narcissist. He doesn’t hold a candle to you, the Master of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I know you will never read this, you will never hear it, because you don’t want to. You’ve blocked all these horrible things out of your memory. Either that, or you feel justified in destroying my life because I’m not degenerate racist misogynist white trash like you.

It bothers me to no end that a person as disgusting as you can get away with this crap without so much as a scratch, without anyone saying a word. It infuriates me that no one has come to my support. Probably because there’s no one who knows that you’ve disowned me except your Jezebel. I’m sure no one would want to disturb the peace of the family if they knew.

What you’ve managed to get away with is beyond criminal. You’ve done so much to hurt me that I even forgot to add deadbeat dad to the list.

A man who left the country for a couple years to avoid having to help pay to raise his only child. A man who then worked only jobs that paid cash for several years so he didn’t have to pay a single cent.

YOU disown ME?! Someday, if there is a God, the whole of existence will know you for who you truly are and what you have done.