tionsToxic Relationships … Signs that tell you it’s Time to Leave
Tags: Toxic Relationships, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Relationships Love Dating, Relationship Building

The beginnings are always more beautiful, with the outburst of feelings, the passion for the beloved, the butterflies fluttering in the stomach as the English expression says, and all that makes us see the world through the “pink love” telescope that makes the world clear without problems. Feelings that overwhelm us to the extent that they blind us to those little things that poison the relationship and make it in itself a source of abuse. Relationships develop with the passage of time, mature and change as a result of the development and change of personalities of their parties, and as a result of the convergence between them over time, and qualities appear that he may not have noticed in the beginning, which may sometimes lead to the erosion of the relationship, poisoning it, so it is eaten from the inside while it looks perfect from the outside. And from the outside only.

Healthy human relationships are based on foundations of mutual respect and admiration, shared care, and the ability to share decisions. In short, they are a common desire for happiness. It is a safe relationship in which we can be ourselves without fear, feel comfortable and safe, while toxic relationships are characterized by insecurity, self-centeredness, and attempts to control and dominate one side over the other. (1) While you can clearly distinguish signs of physical, emotional or verbal abuse. Where you can distinguish lying, betrayal, and emotional deprivation, it is sometimes difficult to distinguish a toxic relationship.

What is the toxic relationship and how does it start?

Toxic relationships are characterized by a repetitive and harmful pattern of behavior between the two parties. This pattern may include fatal jealousy or exploitation, the desire for dominance, selfishness, and rejection. While a healthy relationship plays an effective role in supporting the individual’s self-confidence and enhancing his emotional energy, toxic relationships on the contrary destroy the individual’s self-confidence and absorb his energy. (2) While any relationship includes a struggle for control, especially in the beginnings of the engagement, we all make mistakes and quarrel, where There is no relationship that can be described as “idealism”. In this context, and for more precise detail, the toxic relationship can be known and characterized by repetition and continuity, so that the toxic behavior of the relationship becomes a prevailing pattern, not an exception. Toxic relationships are also characterized by the presence of one party seeking to impose its absolute control, control that is manifested through clear methods at times, or by unclear symbolic formulas for the second party. (3)

Low self-confidence is one of the main pillars that produce multiple forms of toxic relationships, and the matter here is not limited to one party without the other, as we often think of an assumption based on the fact that the party that seeks control is the narcissistic and has confidence, but this narcissism in fact has It conceals a deeper level of vibration of confidence and insecurity, which may lead many to try to compensate for this lack of control over the partner. (4) The important thing here, and which needs much consideration, is that a number of individuals are attracted by themselves to possessing or entering into such a pattern of relationships Toxicity, especially if they grew up in a toxic environment full of harm, violence and negative feelings, This deprives them of the ability to distinguish violence and abuse, and to unconsciously turn into individuals who engage in patterns of toxic behaviors that they are accustomed to and did not know about. (5)

Why don’t we easily leave toxic relationships?

In such relationships arises what psychology professor Robert Firestone called the “imaginary bond” to describe the illusion of communication between two people, which helps alleviate their individual fears by forming a false sense of attachment. This kind of connection turns into a completely toxic state, where the feeling of love and support is replaced by the desire to merge and fuse identities, and the loss of a sense of independence, as each of them seeks security in the illusion of integration, or one of the two parties exercises the role of the father or mother in the relationship through the illusion of providing protection And care. The ability of individuals in this type of relationship to deceive themselves enables them to retain the illusion of closeness and intimacy, thus closing their eyes from the fact that the relationship lacks true emotional commitment and true companionship. (6)

The most common toxic relationship patterns

The following are some of the more prevalent patterns of toxic behavior, bearing in mind that the existence of one does not preclude the existence of the other, as these patterns often overlap and contiguous:

1- Mocking, belittling and belittling the other party:

In this pattern, one of the parties deliberately mocks the other party, belittles him and his opinions and ideas, demeans him and embarrasses him in front of others. If you ask him to stop, he will probably tell you that he is joking and accuse you of not having a sense of humor. If this behavior continues for a long time, a sense of mistrust in your decisions and opinions may start to seep into you, until you believe what he says (7), (8)

2- Rapid anger, irritation, and unexpected reactions

Some people cannot predict what might ignite their anger, you feel with them that you are walking over an eggshell, where you cannot be yourself, and passing everything you say or do becomes surrounded by strict control for fear that the other party will anger, which affects your emotional health And physical and makes you avoid expressing your feelings and thoughts for fear of his anger and his emotions. And if you blame him for his emotions, then he will most likely accuse you of being the cause of his anger and his excitement, and this nervous and quick-tempered face rarely appears to the outside world, so this person often appears in front of others with a pleasant appearance and manners that everyone loves.

3- Transmitting a feeling of guilt

This person works to control the decisions of the other party by notifying him of guilt and negligence, despite his apparent false support for these decisions. For example, the wife decides to return to work, so that the husband ostensibly supports her and encourages her to return to her work, but he does not cease to shed signals about her negligence in her duties towards him or towards the house and children. This person is good at a game of catching mistakes, we all make mistakes, but what poisones the relationship is that one of the parties traps the mistakes of the other party and exploits them to make him feel guilty, so you feel with him that you are walking in a forest full of traps that trap your mistakes and weave a spiderweb around you and besieging you.

4- Exaggeration in reactions and / or opposite blame

They are two overlapping patterns. The first type exaggerates his reactions when blaming him and sinks into anger or sadness and frustration, so the other party finds himself calming him instead of discussing the main problem. As for the second pattern, it will turn the table and turn the papers, so if you confront him with a problem or something that anger you, you will find that he has turned things around to end up trying to reconcile with him and apologize to him. Either style does not allow you to express yourself, and you may even end up feeling wrong about the other person, and the main problem you wanted to discuss in the first place definitely gets lost.

5- Accrediting partner

If one of the parties in the relationship relies on the other party to make all the decisions, this may be one of the hidden means of control, because this type of partner holds you responsible for all decisions, starting with the restaurant where you will eat dinner and ending with all fateful decisions. On the other hand, he will deal with aggression if you make a “wrong” decision from his point of view or that does not suit him. Such relationships create a constant feeling of anxiety and tension as a result of your anxiety about making the wrong decisions in addition to a feeling of drainage and exhaustion because you have taken all the measures.

6- Independent (non-compliant)

Independence is certainly not a negative quality, but this person always raises his independence as an excuse for non-commitment, and he is a person whose actions you cannot predict, promises you and does not fulfill his obligations or promises, and when his reproach he will raise the slogan “I will not allow you to control my life, I am a free and independent person.” This type of relationship makes the other party in a permanent state of insecurity and stability, due to his inability to predict the partner’s actions or the extent of his emotional commitment to him. This will have a strong impact on your mental, emotional, and even physical health.

7- Scalper

This person is nice as long as he takes what he wants from you, and the relationship with him is a one-way relationship, in which one party spends time, effort, and money sometimes, while noticing that what he is giving is not enough. If this person did something for you, then he will most likely use it against you later on if you refused to do something he asked for in order to make you feel guilty. (11)

8- possessive / suspicious

This partner encircles the other party with crazy jealousy. Some people may enjoy the feeling of jealousy and consider it as evidence of love, but natural jealousy has limits that if you cross it, it will poison your life. This person grants himself the right to besiege you and search your personal things and your electronic accounts, besiege you with doubts and questions, and works to isolate you from friends and some family members. It dictates what you do and does not do, which destroys balance in the relationship and deprives it of mutual respect. (12)

9- Lying and betrayal

Lies and betrayals have the ability to melt trust, lies accumulate one lie after another, and every lie that strikes you against the wall of trust that protects the relationship, and time after time you are surprised by the shattering of the wall and its collapse, be careful when this moment comes that the wall does not collapse on your head. (13)

And what? Is there a hope?

Recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship is a vital and essential step, whether you decide to leave and get rid of the relationship or it is difficult and you cannot get rid of it, but just being aware of its existence will help you deal with it and not drain your energy. It must be noted that some of these signs may appear in all relationships from time to time, but this does not make the relationship toxic, what makes it toxic is the continuity, consistency, intensity, and harm that occur. Any healthy relationship includes effort, discipline, motivation, intention, and desire. If the relationship has experienced a healthy climate before, it may be possible to fix it with some effort. There are a number of questions you should ask yourself:

Will you bear the harm and negativity involved in the relationship? Can you handle the anxiety, tension, stress, and problems that engulf a relationship? What do you gain from this relationship? How can you restore a healthy and happy relationship? What would you have to sacrifice? Will you have to sacrifice your safety and security? How does this affect those around you, your children, your partner, or others around you? Are you willing to put in the time, effort, and patience necessary to fix the relationship? Is your partner willing to give in return?

It is worth noting that if the relationship was toxic from the beginning and did not witness any healthy climate, then unfortunately the chance of its success may be very small. You will have to learn to let go of the other party and survive by yourself without feeling guilty or sad. (14) Perhaps you cannot change your partner, but you can change the way you deal with his behavior, and your reactions to it, you can confront the partner with the toxic behavior that annoys you And to ask him to stop him and declare that this behavior is no longer acceptable to you. It is important to realize within yourself that you deserve respect, love and trust, that you deserve a healthy relationship, and that you are not a victim but that you can survive.