2020: Growth is not a constant. Not gonna lie this year sucked. Maybe…
Tags: Life Lessons, 2020, Relationships, Mindset, Personal Growth

Not gonna lie this year sucked. Maybe not the entire year, but who I was in January is NOT who I am now. Maybe it’s for the best. This year, I learned that growth is not a constant. Finding yourself isn’t a straight shot. I started off 2020 in a situationship that wasn’t good for me, with emotional baggage, spoke unkindly about myself, and refused to go to therapy. Over the next few months, I went through many obstacles. Yes, the pandemic, an obvious one. Learning that the rest of my senior year would be online and learning about the cancellation of all the events I had always looked forward to prior to becoming a senior really distraught me in ways I couldn’t imagine. This was just the start. Leaning into the end of March, the situationship I got myself into finally ended, and the issues at home were just never ending. Emotional abuse, living in a space with barely any privacy, wondering what my college future will look like, the weather starting to get hotter, paranoia from the pandemic, constant arguing. It didn’t feel like there was going to be an end. Come June, I graduated from highschool, which was kinda cool. Even if it was not a traditional graduation, I was appreciative of what the staff was able to provide for us virtually. Although one would think that summer during a pandemic wouldn’t be fun at all, I did find my ways to make 2020 summer somewhat nostalgic. Outdoor dining was finally a thing again, so being able to sit down at a restaurant felt almost surreal. I felt like things would be better, I started going on runs, finding safe ways to safely socialize, started going to therapy, found new shows to watch, and creating more art. I made the decision that I would attend my local community college, and transfer to a UC after two years, given our current circumstances. This was a hard decision to make, but I knew it would be worth it in the end. Even if all these new revelations lifted me up from a the setback I had gone through, I still felt a little lonely. Shortly after a weird, untraditional 4th of July, I decided to hop on Tinder for fun. Not really with an intent of actually finding anything serious. I did talk to many people, but didn’t find anyone worth really pursuing. In the end, I did find someone who I felt happy with, and made me feel like maybe life is not all that bad. After many messages and face times, we finally had a first date in September. As all this was happening, my college classes started, all online of course. We talked for a total of four months and were together for one. It was incredible to finally be able to open myself up to someone, and feel comfortable doing so. This was the first real relationship I had been in since 2018. Life felt like it was only getting better and better. MY grades were spot on, my mental health was the best that it had ever been, I was the most in shape I had ever been, it felt like nothing could go wrong. I spoke too soon. Unfortunately, my boyfriend went back to college in October after our second date. You could say this was a “right person, wrong time” scenario, but the truth is, he was simply just the wrong person. He couldn’t commit to me as well as he thought he could, and for that, we didn’t workout. That broke me for a few weeks. The one good thing I felt that I had just ripped away from me. Another painful end to something I had so much hope in. The rest of October and November were challenging for me. I had been so consistent with my classes all of September and October, but after my breakup, I fell behind on pretty much everything. I was eating abnormally, it became hard getting out of bed, my stress and anxiety levels were skyrocketing, and every aspect of my life was just getting harder. It took a few weeks, many breakup advice videos, and journaling to find myself and attempt to get myself back on track. As soon as I was able to start regularly living my life again, I decided to delete dating apps for good, and never download them ever again for the sake of my mental health. I felt so liberated, like I was able to finally move on. Now, I am in December, looking back at all the lessons I learned this year and the new things I discovered about myself. The greatest lesson I learned is that growth is not a constant. You’ll have a high point after a low point, yes, but that doesn’t mean that you’ll never have another nasty downfall. I started the year off with horrible mindsets, with no purpose in anything I did, with no passion for my life. Times like this are not to weaken you, but to strengthen you, to prepare you for the good days ahead. Without friction, you can’t grow. Although all the unfortunate things I went through this year cost me many battles within myself, and even more tears, I am grateful to have gone through them now rather than later. I now know my self-worth, I know that talking to others about my struggles is important, self-care is important, communicating with others is important, going outside of your comfort zone is important. Although I know that I will inevitably go through more downfalls in the future, it is only to my me stronger, to find ways to learn from my mistakes, and be a better person for not only others, but myself. So yea, 2020 sucked, but it’s the year that I’ve mentally grown the most from out of all my eighteen years on earth. I definitely went through like, 30 personality arcs to get where I am now. I feel proud of myself, and it comforts me to know I’ve made it through all the days where I thought I couldn’t. So be kind to yourself, because your story isn’t over yet.