Please Don’t Talk To Me Before My Coffee
By: Rodney Uhler
Tags: Satire, Office, Humor, Coffee, Comedy

Photo by Tirachard Kumtanom from Pexels

Dear Employees of Winslow, Kramer, & Simpson:

I’m thrilled to be joining this film. I can’t wait to dive into the work and I’m looking forward to getting to know you all, as colleagues as well as friends. It’s for that very reason — and on the advice of my legal counsel — that I am sending this email to share something about me so that we can ensure a pleasant and peaceful working environment: Please don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee.

I know people say this jokingly, but trust me when I say I am being gravely serious. In the effort of starting out in complete honesty, I have lost jobs (and in one instance, a beloved cousin), caused human and environmental harm, and been banned from multiple Red Lobster locations because this rule was not followed.

As an associate at the Benais firm, I was hardworking, passionate, and deeply committed… but accidents happen. Especially when there is a mix-up with the decaf and regular coffee. I thought after my morning cup we were all safe, but then I noticed an intern hadn’t properly punched holes in a legal draft, and so I took a literal approach to showing him how to punch holes. I’ve been told that after some cosmetic construction both the office and the intern are now doing fine.

Rest assured, I am seeking treatment, but unfortunately modern medicine has yet to find a cure for my condition. I’ve been seen by the best doctors and world-renowned baristas alike but everyone remains stumped and, frankly, petrified. At one point it was advised as a form of treatment that I go cold turkey at a facility in Indianapolis. Suffice it to say that did not work and after the arson I am no longer welcome in the state of Indiana.

There’s no denying coffee creates a physical reaction in the body, but for most people it is a moderate stimulant. For me, it is a preventative to a cartoonishly evil transformation beyond my control. Familiar with The Hulk? I’m familiar on a molecular level. If withheld from that sweet bean nectar for too long my body and behavior belongs more to a wrestling ring than a boardroom.

The warning signs are obvious. My eyes redden, I emit a hot steam from my nostrils, and my emails become riddled with typos. If this happens, all staplers and asthmatic employees should be cleared from the room. In case of emergencies, I have a business casual straight-jacket that I keep in my bottom right desk drawer that I encourage everyone to learn how to apply and fasten.

A safe office environment is extremely important to me which is why I plan to install a series of warnings about my situation:

I use a medically prescribed mug that states, “Please don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee!”

I’ve clipped and hung around the office a series of relevant Cathy comics where she also seems to suffer from a similar affliction.

On the door to my office I’ve framed a poster featuring a retro image of a woman next to the phrase, “I haven’t had my coffee yet, don’t make me kill you.” I understand this was meant to be humorous, a novelty poster, but it is in fact a grimly realistic depiction of my reality and is legally binding as safety signage.

Both I and my sponsors at Maxwell House are very excited about the start of my time with your firm. If you see me and notice my breath is rank with coffee, my mouth stained by a fresh cup, then I hope you come over and say hi!