Turning Masculinity into a cage
By: Victor Ayeni
Tags: Society, Male Sexual Assault, Masculinity, Feminist

Much has been said and written about how societal constructs enslave and demean women, but little on how men are also victimised by the social cult of masculinity.

Many Nigerian feminists skirt around this, because to perennially depict men as oppressors fits with their playbook. Chimamanda Adichie herself has said:

“We have been so conditioned to think of power as male … We judge powerful women more harshly than we judge powerful men.”

True, except that in our society, power is not conditioned on just gender. It is also hinged on politics, ethnicity, socio-economic class and religion. To handpick gender while ignoring the complexity of the currency of power in our society is a disservice.

While there are several differences between men and women, there are some cultural stereotypes attached to masculinity that place men in a harmful straitjacket. For example:

1. From young ages, many males are discouraged from showing emotion. We are told not to show affection or pain because these are “feminine” attributes.

Without a culturally approved outlet for these feelings, they are bottled up, leading to higher incidents of unhealthy coping mechanisms (e.g. alcohol and drug abuse) in men.

Men are afraid of being seen as physically “weak,” so they overcompensate when they feel threatened. Some try to assert their masculinity by harassing and being aggressive towards women or men they deem to be “weaker.”

The cult of masculinity compels men to reject their real, natural selves based on genetic and environmental factors and push them into ready-made cages constructed by the society.

2. Although we don’t have a precise estimate in Nigeria, it has been said that between 10 to 38 per cent of victims of sexual assaults are male. But our society makes it difficult for these male victims to speak up or seek therapy because only females are expected to be victimised by men. This stereotyping makes male victims feel emasculated.

Stories of male sexual assault seldom elicit mass condemnation in public spaces; they are usually minimised or derisively dismissed. Even in most comments on foreign media, male rape is often reduced to off-colour jokes or clichéd musing of the victim having “enjoyed it.”

Fredrick Nwabufo, a journalist, shared his experience with sexual harassment, and he said:

“I have lived with the anguish and dirtiness of that experience for years. It has been a mammoth burden. I sometimes ask myself, ‘Do I look gay?’ I have questioned my sexuality a number of times. It is psychologically overwhelming.”

This statement offers a glimpse into the inner guilt imposed on men by the cult of masculinity. These victims are accused of “not responding to their abusers in a manly way” i.e. punching them in the face or “having invited the sexual harassment in the first place.”

The small minded folks who peddle such narratives fail to realise that sexual assault is more about power and control than physical looks or sexuality.

3. Males are taught that having multiple sexual partners is what defines masculinity. To argue for the contrary is to be labelled as being sexually inept or not “manly enough.”

Many males are taught that sexually conquering women is what earns them respect. Hence, male ego is artificially tied to libidinal prowess.

I was on Nairaland forum the other day, and was amused to read the posts of otherwise healthy youths who were hooked on using Erectile Dysfunction drugs to impress ladies in bed.

In 2015, the Lagos State Fire Service had to be called in to a hospital to remove a patient’s sex enhancing metal ring which had made his penis swell up terribly. I can bet his “joystick” will no longer the same again after that ordeal. And he is even fortunate.

Many men have dropped dead right in the line of duty because they wanted to dazzle a woman in the sack. The problem that phallic anxiety has brought to the world of men is unspeakable.

4. Men are placed under undue pressure to “show” the society that they have more money. Male teens steal money from parents to impress female dates.

Men become seriously indebted over weddings, child naming ceremonies, school fees, rent or mortgages, family upkeep and some resort to crime all in a bid to measure up with societal expectations.

I believe the recent cases of male suicides reported in the media – if examined carefully – are tied to failure of the men to meet up with burdensome financial obligations in their families.

Our culture measures men’s worth by how much money they have, but life is complex and it doesn’t always fit in all the cute boxes.

5. The cult of masculinity denies that men suffer physical and emotional abuse in the hands of women. Once the story of a couple’s fight gets to the public space, the man is already judged guilty before his side is heard.

Tonto Dikeh and Olakunle Churchill’s story, is a case in point. People on social media viscerally took sides with the lady and stoned the man because of the conditioning that only men physically abuse women.

Even when a man defends himself against a violent woman, the woman still receives public sympathy because that is what the society expects.

6. A medical textbook says that more men commit suicides than women. That’s because men are taught to “shut up” and “take it like a man” and indeed, many of us have shut it up and absorbed it instead of saying “I need help.” This has resulted in stress, depression and psychological burn outs

One popular Nigerian pastor (whom I used to think was urbane) said in his devotionals that it’s “effeminate” for a man to express any of his problems to others. But when his own marriage crashed amidst ear-tingling allegations, I could see how well his teaching has worked out for him.

When men are placed in cultural cages, it makes it difficult for them to seek mental, emotional or spiritual help.

7. African culture generally has an archetypal image of a “good father” – one that is gruff, detached, quick to use the whip and bound to his family only by a sense of duty.

That’s why many Africans have a warped idea of God – as a person who is aloof and quick to strike detractors with lightning bolts. They inadvertently project the attributes of their earthly father onto God.

Psychologists say that a father’s active involvement in his child’s life helps him/her to play, gain confidence, a healthy self-esteem and prepares the child for the world of men. Many adults today are yet to recover because they missed this aspect in their upbringing.

I was at a place recently where a woman rashly said to a father, “Did they assign you to always carry your child around like a monkey?” The people there found it comical, but I found that statement ignorant. No one has the right to interrupt a father’s healthy bonding with his own child.

Ordering us to “all be feminists” can’t be the solution because many feminists are just as sexist and exploitative as the men they decry.

First, every man needs to be seen as a unique individual. We are genetic and environmental varieties, and society should stop judging us collectively. Many men don’t speak or act for me. To each his own.

We also need to question certain cultural stereotypes that force men into rigid boxes and brand them with negative labels once they don’t fit it. Cultures were made by people, and if they impede societal progress, they should also be changed by people.