What If You Enjoy Being Quiet In A Crowd?
By: Deb Knobelman
Tags: Life Lessons, This Happened To Me, Parenting, Introvert, Family

My husband recently took a Myers-Briggs personality test at work. As part of a leadership course. No surprise, it labeled him as an introvert.

I have always assumed that our family of four were all introverts. We are a quiet people. We enjoy each other’s company and talk. But there are many comfortable silences over the course of a day together.

An Introvert Label Brings Me Peace

Long before I had a husband and a family, I identified as an introvert. Well, for as long as I knew what an introvert was. According to the Urban Dictionary, an introvert is defined as:

An introvert prefers to spend time alone in order to recharge their inner being.

When I first read the definition, I felt relaxed and at home. I felt a little less, well, weird. If there is a label, that means there is a group. And if there is a group, that means that I am not “wrong”, I am simply this and not that.

The introvert label also gives me permission to be who I want to be.

It’s ok not to want to go to the party, I’m an introvert.

I am allowed to love to read alone in my room. I’m an introvert.

So my husband and I discussed his Myers-Briggs results and our introverted-ness. Then it occurred to me. I should explain the ideas of introvert and extrovert to my kids. They are 10 & 7 years old. They might not realize that wanting and enjoying alone time is natural and normal. I know firsthand that being an introvert as a child can be more complicated.

In school, kids have to be around other people for large periods of the day, every day. And interact with them. And a lot of complicated social interactions happen. Those interactions can be more stressful for introverts.

But mainly, I don’t want my kids to feel like they should be anything other than who they are. I know that I spent years wishing that I had the qualities of an extrovert. Before I understood what that was.

Introducing the Introvert Label To My Children

I started the conversation with my kids by asking them if they prefer to be around people, or at home hanging out.

My younger son said without hesitation, I would prefer to be home. But then he said, and I’d like to have people over to my house. Hmmm, I thought, that is interesting.

My older son told us he’d rather be around people. And I thought about it. He is always begging us to do more social activities, to plan things for him, to bring him to parties and events.

But, I have seen him in a crowd. He loves watching the action, but always from the fringes. He is almost always quiet in a large group. But he observes with rapt attention, usually with a huge grin on his face.

When my older son told me he likes being around people, I challenged him a little bit. I said, but you are always quiet in a crowd. Are you nervous to talk to other people? He said no. I like being in the mix. (From the mouths of tweens).

Neither son seemed particularly upset or ashamed of their likes or dislikes. They knew what they liked. The whole conversation seemed a little boring to them.

Creating A Label To Define Their Social Interactions

But, I felt like I had to create a structure, a definition of their personality type. For them, I thought. So they can understand themselves.

So I did a little research. At first I thought my older son is an ambivert. And I guess that is true. According to the American Heritage Dictionary, an ambivert is defined as:

A personality trait including the qualities of both introversion and extroversion.

Well, that’s not very precise.

When you put it that way, aren’t we all ambiverts? There are very few people who fall on the extreme ends of the spectrum. Although I do know a few of them on either end.

So then I made up my own description and a definition to go with it. A more exact description of my son (and my husband, to a certain extent).

In my mind, my husband and son enjoy being Socially Adjacent.

The definition of Socially Adjacent, according to what I made up, is:

Enjoys spending time at social gatherings and gets energy from observing other people without interacting with them.

I ran this new term and definition past my husband and 10 year old.

My husband thought it was amusing. He felt it accurate.

Then I mentioned it to my 10 year old.

I could see his struggle. Do I give her the zombie death stare? Or do I roll my eyes deep into the back of my head?

He didn’t care. In the end, the conversation went no where.

Labels Empower Some But Confine Others

The more I thought about it, the more I realized. I sought to define introversion and “social adjacency” so that my kids would have a better understanding of themselves. So that they would not feel alone.

But what they taught me is that they already know who they are and what they like. The labels just box them in. Can’t they like what they like? Isn’t that enough?

And it is.

My kids already know they can be whomever they want to be. Perhaps it is because they are still young. They have not hit the teen years yet.

And another revelation:

Knowing who you are and what you like might not be an idea that we need to learn as we grow. But an idea we need not to forget as we get older.

In the end, who cares if you love to be alone and ALSO love to be quiet in a crowd? Does that have to mean something?

So, as always, my kids have taught me about what kind of person I should be. Not the other way around.