Do You Ever…?
By: Srisaibhaavana Anna
Tags: Teenagers, Feelings Become Words, Feelings, Suicide Awareness, Mental Health

Do you ever wake up and you think to yourself today is going to be a good day and then as you take your first steps that morning everything hits you like a truck like a whole ton of weight was dropped on your head because you felt like you could finally stand without falling but no one can stand to see that so they put more bricks on your head and call it “I'm making you stronger so you can walk farther with more weight on your head” rather than “I know I'm hurting you lemme help you by taking a brick of your head and help you carry it”.

Do you ever wake up and take a deep breath first thing in the morning to help you get through the day because you know you won’t be able to find peace through the rest of the day because of the environment that you are in. because you know that the second you get out of your safe space the second you open your eyes reality becomes real and you have to face that.

You can't hide. You cant cower away from it. You cant run. Because it chases you. Oh, how it chases you. The more you want to run away from it the stronger the scarier it becomes. Everyone says running away isn't the solution but at that point, it's the only door you have.

Do you ever wake up in the morning and think, oh god not again I can't keep doing this like and cry to god praying pleading to beg that He will help you today that today will be the day where he sends you a sign that it’ll okay that you’ll make it through the day.

Do you ever wake up in the morning and ask yourself why did I wake up today. For what purpose have I woken up. Because you don't know your own purpose. Because you are that lost. You are just drifting, floating between people, emotions, thoughts. Just moving going with the flow. Forgetting about yourself worrying too much about others.

Do you ever wake up in the morning crying asking yourself why did I have to wake up? Not because you need more sleep but because you know you can't face the world not again not like this not again. But you wake up. You get out of bed. You face these harsh realities, and no one cares. No one acknowledges the hardships. No one acknowledges the strength it took. No one acknowledges any of it.

They acknowledge oh you woke up late, but don't realize how hard it was to get out of bed that morning, to take that step, to take that breath of air, to get out of the zone of tears, to get out of the anger, to get out of the pain. To push it down so no one sees it. To push it down so you can look okay to people. to convince others that you are okay and not even yourself.

Do you ever wake up to see a good morning text from the people you love and you think “oh I have them by my side it’ll be okay”? Do you ever see someone ask you “are you okay?”, but you cant tell them the truth because you don't want to hurt them, so you lie to them to convince yourself that you could be okay. Do you know the number of white lies I tell to people to make them think I'm ok but I'm not and deep down inside I'm wilting slowly dying but no one seems to care and you don't know where to go because you're stuck in this spot and you don't know what to do.

You're too tired to get up, you're too tired to move, you're too tired to pick yourself up because you use all the energy you have trying to plaster a smile on your face trying, trying to feel okay. Because that's how I feel.

I don't feel anything. I wake up every day, a burden, an unnecessary weight to the world. I wake up crying. I go to sleep crying. I've honestly run out of tears. I can’t even cry anymore.

Last night was one of the hardest nights of my life. I couldn’t sleep I was suffocated. Everything rushed inside my head and I broke. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t yell. I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t ask for help. I couldn’t go to anyone. except myself. But I didn’t even have me to go there. It caught up to me. All the lies I've told all, the mistakes I've made. Everything. It’s all caught up. And I know I'm only 16. Only. But how much longer is life? Because if it's like this I don't want to do it anymore. And I know two years college this that life whatever. I don't give a shit. I don't care. If I can't even be happy now, how can I even possibly convince myself that I’ll be happy then? I can't. I give up.

God says when you really need something you need to surrender yourself to him. So I have. I surrender. I’m done.

This is how many teenagers feel. Their minds are a dark place, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. This is how I’ve felt, but it is not how I always feel. Life is painful, yes, but life is also beautiful. You just have to wait long enough to see it. If you ever, have any thoughts about leaving this world or ever need to talk to someone, please, for yourself, call The National Suicide Prevention Hotline (800)–273–8255. There are people waiting to listen to your stories. Let them be heard.