Snow On A Hot Summer’s Day
By: Edward Anderson
Tags: Short Story, Satire, Fiction, Family, Humor

Snow On A Hot Summer’s Day

Based on Joan Rivers’ comedy routine.

Photo by Zane Lee on Unsplash

“Put that candy bar down,” Mother admonished me. Her eyes narrowed at me, she knew that I was about to argue with her. Defiantly I raised the chocolate back to my mouth and took a huge bite off of it. “See this is why you’re not married. All you do is go to work and come home and eat. It’s not natural, your Father would be disappointed in you. He always expected you to be married at 18 and knocked up by 19. The least you could have done was followed his plan for you. Your sister is married, and look how happy she is.”

“What you call happy, I call insane.” There were days when I wished I could find a man, if only so that I could move out of my Mother’s house and not have to deal with her anymore. My friend Dom, who was gay, had offered to marry me. The flaw in that plan was that Dom liked men just as much as I did. “Who has a Mid-Winter party in the dead heat of August? Someone who belongs in the looney bin, that’s who.”

“At least she has a husband to throw a part with. What have you got, that chocolate bar that will go straight to your thighs? That’s the only thing that will,” Mother stormed away. She was going to talk to my sister, no doubt asking if her husband knew any single guys that they could hook me up with. As a single 26 year old woman, I was the bane of my Mother’s existence. She wanted to get old in peace but I wouldn’t take just any man. As soon as they were in deep conversation, I moved closer to them. “I mean really, does she like being alone? Do you think… Do you that she’s…”

“What Mom? Do I think that Jo Ann is a spinster? You know that I do, the only thing that brings her any happiness is chocolate and her cat. If you just accept her for who she is, then you both will be a lot happier.” My Sister thought that she was the voice of reason. It was almost hysterical that she thought that I was a spinster considering her husband was looking down the blouse of the 22 year old nanny that she hired at his insistence.

“No, do you think she’s a lesbian?” My Mother had lowered her voice to barely above a whisper, her eyes darted everywhere but behind her, where I was standing.

“Just because I won’t marry any Tom, Dick, or Hairy that comes my way doesn’t mean that I am a lesbian or a spinster. It just means that I am choosy.” It seemed as though the world stopped moving, my sister’s eyes wandered over to her husband who was indeed looking down the blouse of the Nanny.

“Jo Ann, you know that talking about Tom’s hairy…” My Mother shuddered before she could say the euphemism for the word penis. Her mouth hung open in an ‘O’, her hands shook. I closed my eyes and counted to 10, deciding about halfway through to just walk away from these people before I ended up in the mental hospital.

Chocolate cake was what I decided that I needed after dealing with my family. So I made my way over to the table. There was a blond haired man standing in front of the cake, his ice cold blue eyes wouldn’t move away from the cake. As if he sensed my impatience, he cut a piece of the cake and moved down the line. Once I cut my own piece, I noticed that he was looking at me. “Want to go somewhere away from these people?”

“Please!” He grabbed my hand and we made our way to the front yard. Neither of us spoke as we took the first bites of our cake. “This is my sister’s party, stupidest thing ever. Whoever heard of a Winter Party when it’s 90 degrees out?”

“My brother is married to your sister. Well for now he is…” His eyes darted all around to make sure that we were alone. When he was confident we were he whispered, “Your sister caught him fondling the nanny. He told her he was making sure that she didn’t have breast cancer.”

“And she bought that?” I spit out the cake that I had just taken a bite of. He lifted his shoulders in a way that said he didn’t know. Before I could say anything else something cold and wet hit my nose. As if our heads were attached to the same marionette, we both looked up and saw the snow falling from the sky. Without thinking, I turned to my gentleman friend and blurted out “I think you are very cute.”

“You too. Except you’re not really my type. See I’m er, I’m… Wow this hard.” He turned away from me, and then looked at me again. The snow made him look angelic. “I’m gay. Nobody knows yet and that makes my boyfriend very unhappy.”

“Of course you’re gay!” The snow began to fall faster. Any man that I was attracted to, namely the ones who laughed at my jokes were gay, were there no good straight men left? “I should have my own show about dating life for those nearing 30, with overbearing mothers.”

“She only wants to see you happy.” He looked at me and I believed him. From the corner of my eyes I saw my Mother and Sister peeking around the corner.

“If you’ll excuse me, I am going to make amends. I would leave my cake with you but I want it.” We grinned at each other. Most people would have encouraged him to come out but not me, that was his journey. I found my family waiting at the corner of the house. We eyes each other wearily for a few moments and then I broke the silence, “Can we talk?”