You Should Be Asking Yourself These Questions Right Now
By: Michelle Wuesthoff
Tags: Mental Health, Transformation, Pandemic, Covid 19, Self Care

People are legitimately worried about the effect the pandemic will have on mental health — not only because so many aren’t working, but also because so many of us are isolated. Not to mention sickness and death. But I do wonder, when this subject is broached, how many consider the responsibility that we have for our own mental health. Though we may suffer trauma and its effects through no fault of our own, we still are not helpless to address it. This assumes three important things:

1.We acknowledge we have experienced trauma (pain, fear, isolation, etc.)

2. We recognize that there are areas we aren’t mentally healthy.

3. We pursue and engage in a process of healing.

And there’s a whole lot of unhealthiness going on out there right now. The panic buttons have been activated and our deeper, unresolved issues are bubbling up. Now is the time to take inventory of ourselves, not only to assess where we are, but to plan for who and where we want to be once this is past us.

I agree with self-care and recommendations to be kind to yourself during these trying times, but now is not the time to numb out or to self-medicate with our chosen vices. Now is also not the time to be melting down into a pit of despair or frenzied worry.

It’s the time to ask yourself some critical questions:

What are my go-tos when I experience something sad or painful? This should be relevant to everyone. If you don’t actually experience the feelings, you’re probably numb to them, and that isn’t healthy. Most of us prefer to turn to something else to avoid or alleviate those feelings rather than work through them. And usually those things don’t serve us for the better.

How do I process anger, and how does it show up in my life? Anger is not a bad emotion — a lot of our anger is justifiable, at its root. But what we do with it (how it shows up) can be toxic to ourselves and others. How does your anger affect you and the people you care about? If you live in a constant state of anger or outrage, you are robbing yourself of freedom and quality of life.

How does fear influence my decisions and life choices? This is a big one, and it’s not just about the ‘now.’ Fear is what drives our need to control, and when control is removed as an option, fear takes the wheel. It decides where we go, when we go, and how. It often masquerades as other emotions, like anger or even apathy. One of the most helpful things we can do for ourselves is to be able to identify our fears and understand where they come from. Once we’ve brought these things out of the shadows and into the light, they are able to be dealt with more effectively, if we choose to take them on. And for nearly all of us, fear is what holds us back from living the way we’d like to live.

Where does denial and defensiveness show up in my life? I know several people for whom denial is a way of life, and it saddens me so much. Wounded people often create their own reality in an effort to control their environment, bending or full-out denying what is plainly seen to others as the truth. When the truth threatens their sense of self, their walls go up and they will tell you how it really is — that is, the ‘truth’ behind their walls. As you would expect, walls like that make for strained or non-existent relationships, and further distance between themselves and reality. Those are extreme cases, but most of us have at least a touch of this denial and defensiveness in our lives. Where and how is yours showing up?

What are the things I would change about myself, if I could? This is not to say we shouldn’t love ourselves the way we are, but many of us are unhappy with ourselves about things we have the power to change. I’ve personally spent at least a couple of decades hating how emotionally fragile I was, until I got so sick of it, I put all my effort into changing — that is, doing the hard work of therapy (and beyond) until my life looked different. My emotional stability is its own reward, but I also have the bonus of feeling pretty proud of myself for accomplishing that huge goal. There is so much hope for a better quality of life than we are living right now.

What are the things I like about myself? It is vitally important that we know what these things are — and if we can’t think of many, that’s a strong warning sign that we need help and change in our lives. What we do like, we need to nurture and grow, like a flowering plant. If you want to continue to bloom through the seasons, you have to cultivate those things, prune away the dead areas, and pull up the weeds that want to strangle the life and beauty out of you. Lean hard into your own goodness, talents, and strengths.

What are my values? Do I live according to them? How? Make a list of at least 5 (but preferably 10) things/areas you value (for example, family, honesty, integrity, solitude, generosity, etc). If you end up with a big list, rank them as best you can. Does the way you live your life reflect what is important to you? In what ways? If your life is in conflict with your values, you will feel unfulfilled, unfocused, and in general, unhappy. If you identify areas you are living out of step with your values, what “values” are you actually demonstrating?