Criminal prosecution 101: How to battle corruption; Nigerian Style!
By: Oluwafemi Ojosu
Tags: Law, Satire, Nigeria, Corruption

Are you a concerned Nigerian Citizen? Do you want to prosecute high profile criminal cases and battle the endemic disease; Corruption, that has eaten deep into the fabric of the Nigerian Society? Do you want to learn how to prosecute high profile criminal cases and battle Corruption Nigerian Style? Then look no further, I gat you. Just follow the tips I have endeavoured to give below, and all will be well with you.

It is no secret that fighting corruption in Nigeria is dangerous. It is a truth that has been trumpeted and ingrained in the very fabric of this nation. However, as the brave anti corruption crusader that you are, I am sure that these grave tidings will not dissuade you nor give you cause to pause in your quest to attain a Corruption free Nigeria.

Thus, the first thing you must do if you want to successfully battle corruption and prosecute high profile criminal cases in Nigeria is to go and ‘bust’ them; the criminals, in their respective homes in the dead of the night commando style. (After you must have done your “investigation” of course). These so called criminals, looters of our collective wealth, thieves all of them. They should not be allowed to escape the wrath of the law.

Now, when you do this, do not avert your mind to the rule of law, democracy, due process, equality before the law and the likes, those are kumbaya concepts and they exist only in vacuum. This is Nigeria and we do as we want. Just ask El Zakzaky and Sambo Dasuki; all you need to do is to ‘Invite’ them for questioning, hold them incommunicado and grill them (yes o, you must grill them… otherwise… ) for one week then they’ll know you mean business.

See ehn, in this kind of operation, the media is your best friend. Generate furore. Tell them you recovered so so so and so amount of money in naira or dollars in the “criminal’s” bedroom, soakaway, water tank whichever one works for you. Give them tidbits of the full picture and let their creative minds go to work.

The next thing you will want to do is to draft a hundred count charge. Don’t worry… The higher the number of offences you charge them with, the higher your chances of securing a conviction. Forget all those alakowe charge and bail lawyers shouting proof. Proof? What is proof? They think they’re the only ones that knows the law? You just file those hundred counts anyhow anyhow, e bad as e bad, one out of the 100 go catch am sha ni.

Quick tip: It’s not enough that you’re working, the people must know you’re working. And how will the people know that you’re working if they don’t know you’re working? Simple. You leak it. You gotta let the people try the case and hand you your judgement even before you enter the court of law. The more outraged the common man, the more your chances of securing a conviction in court.

When you get to court, just call your witnesses, let them come and tell the court the truth of the matter. You don’t even need to prepare them for questioning or have a trial plan you’ll adhere to. Afterall, the truth as they say must surely prevail and liars, all of them, they go to hellfire.

Upon cross examination when defence counsel destroys your witnesses in the box, do not panic, maintain philosophical calmness. All you need do is establish a prima facie case for them to answer to. Damn their no case submission, hundred count charge still popping.

Quick tip: Peradventure hundred count does not pop, it’s still not yet time to panic. Just call the media and say some choice words to them. Who section 27 RPC epp? Talk to the media! Tell them!! Tell it all to them!!! Tell them that the judiciary has been compromised and that was how you lost your case. Tell them that the bench is corrupt and that you’ve already filed an appeal against the decision of the trial court. Yes, we both know that filing a notice of appeal does not equate to entering an appeal simpliciter but the people don’t need to know that. All they need to know is that you’ve filed an appeal shikena. Hook, line and sinker, na so dem go chop am. Let their twitter fingers go to war against corruption.

Now, all of these will have been a long day’s job. So at the end of it, you’ll need to sit back, sip moringa, odekwu or whatever your poison is and enjoy the circus while it lasts.

Do these religiously and as often as you please, and all will be well with you.

Shalom.

PS: An earlier version of the post: “Criminal prosecution 101: How to battle corruption; Nigerian Style!” first appeared on TheRains’ Asylum: My Unsolicited Thoughts