The Dark Art of Chess
By: Online Again
Tags: Mystery, Talent, Dark, Skills, Chess

The Dark Art of Chess

Chess is the game of minds, a game of dimensions, an alternative for those who do not wish to fight on the battlefield. Some of us prefer to engage in a battle of the minds, to hone our skills in the realms of chess. I think that grandmaster said it best, “This is my chance, this is my plan, this is my game, this is my challenge!”

Although I personally am too busy to play chess, and I find that chess is too easy to be worth my time, I am willing to share a few of the dark talents I’ve learned in my many years studying the board. To become a powerful chess genius, to truly learn and unleash all 7 dark talents, you’ll have to question everything you know and achieve a state of perfect unity with not only the chess tradition, but also with the future of chess. Now…set up your chess board and prepare to learn…the dark art of chess.

1. Mind Games

One way to bring your chess battles to the next level is to engage your foes in all manner of mind games and chess tricks, to face your foes with the power of mind games on your side. Tactics like this are sometimes frowned upon by those who believe in following the traditional chess path laid out by our forebears, but if you’re reading this article I’ll assume you are not above questioning their wisdom regarding the game of chess.

You’ll want to do some research into various theories of how the mind works in order to truly unleash powerful chess attacks the likes of which the world has never seen. One trick I would recommend is refusing to shake your opponent’s hand at the start of the game. This will seem rude, and will produce in your opponent a troubled state of confusion as they try to understand why their chess opponent is being rude.

Another mind game tactic you could try is pulling a “devil’s bargain” with your opponent where you start intentionally sacrificing chess pieces even when you don’t have to. This will seem like you’re losing on purpose, as if you’re not really trying at chess, and has a chance to trick your opponent into making a mistake. There are many more mind games you can try, whole books have been written on the topic, and an argument could be made that actually every chess tactic involves mind games in some form or another, but for now we’ll move on to the next dark talent.

2. Speak in Threats and Riddles

The third dark talent is a strange one….It involves speaking in rhymes and rhythmic patterns in order to lull your chess enemy into a state of confusion. Although it is controversial, it has been known to achieve powerful effects at the game of chess.

Even grandmasters are sometimes known to recite a line of poetry or a threat every now and then, often commenting on the state of the game of chess. It is common to say something like “ha! you have fallen into my trap!” or “nice try opponent! the level of chess challenge you provide is nothing compared to the likes of my latest trick!”

Here are a few other examples

“Prepare to face my wrath!”

“I will defeat you!”

“You will never defeat me at chess!”

3. Study the writings of Machiavelli

Everybody knows Machiavelli was one of the greatest chess players of all time, and if you read his writing you may find yourself unlocking a series of “dark talents” in regards to the game of chess. These talents are called “the dark triad” of chess talents, and you could probably write a whole book about them, in fact….somebody did! That person’s name was Machiavelli.

Machiavelli was born in Italy in the 1400s and known by many of his enemies as “the prince”. Although he was a bit of a moron, and didn’t understand how to make friends or get people to help him or like him, and even though he revealed his plan to betray everyone he knows in a book he published publicly, none of that matters in the game of chess. If I saw machiavelli on the street I would probably laugh, but if I saw him in a game of chess? I would be shaking in my boots! I would be afraid for my chess reputation.

You see…even though Machiavelli’s tricks and traps are useless in real life, none of that matters on the chess board. In chess, teamwork matters not, for the board is all. The world begins and ends at the edge of the chess board, which is why you may want to consider learning about the meaning of the mind. This dark talent will be sure to impress your chess friends and foes alike, chess is the perfect place to express this dark talent.

4. Chess Custom Medicine

Custom Chess Medicine is another dark talent you can unlock to improve your chess game. Be sure to ask your doctor about chess medicine! Get yourself a prescription for chess pills to improve your ability to win at this powerful game of the mind. Although it is sometimes considered cheating to do drugs to improve at chess, knowing which chess drugs to take when can be a powerful tool in your inventory.

The problem with chess usually is that you’re trapped with the brain you got as a baby, even as an adult you still have that same tiny brain. Chess Medicine changes that completely! With chess medicine you can unlock powerful abilities such as the ability to see chess playing out on the ceiling, or on the walls. Sometimes you can even hallucinate your next move, or imagine several moves ahead!

Although custom medicine is not necessarily the only way to achieve these goals, it certainly helps. Drugs are basically a shortcut to becoming a chess master, on the condition that you take them as your doctor prescribes. Alternatively, you could take things into your own hands and get very into green tea or lighter chess drugs like coffee, however these are often doomed to only give you a minor stat boost compared to the epic-level stat boosts you might be able to acquire with a custom chess prescription designed inside the minds of powerful doctors.

5. Learn how to Glare Tactically

The next dark talent you can develop in chess is your tactical glare. Every chess expert who follows the dark path will be sure to have a powerful disapproving glare the likes of which the world has never seen. Sending your angriest glare or frown has enormous potential to knock your opponent back, and it might even cause them to make a mistake!

A good way to practice this is to set up a mirror next to your favorite chess board, play against yourself, and make faces into the mirror between each chess maneuver. If you do this correctly, you will hopefully make a face so horrible that it causes you to step away from the mirror.

Once you have developed your glare, you can unleash it at strategic points throughout the chess game in order to truly sow the seeds of fear in your opponents heart, causing them to make a horrible chess mistake and allowing you to sweep up at chess.

6. Google Glass

You may want to consider wearing google glass to your next chess match! Now, I know what you’re probably saying. “Is this allowed in chess!? It sounds preposterous! There must be some rule against this!” If you’ve ever seen the classic film air bud however, there is a scene in that movie where they discover that there is no rule in the rulebook that says a dog can’t play basketball, and so they have to let air bud play in the big game. Although this may be frowned upon by other chess champions, there is no rule in The Rules of Chess that says you can’t wear google glass to the chess championship. This means it is allowed and that they have to let you wear google glass.

Why would you want to wear google glass to a game of chess? Well! I can easily answer this with another question. Who in the world is better than humans at chess? I think the answer is a simple one….computers. Computers are already better at chess than people are, and so it makes perfect sense that you could load up a chess algorithm onto your google glass to help you decide what move to make next.

In a way, this dark talent is a bit like making a deal with the devil. For the duration of the game of chess, you must sell your soul to google glass. If you are willing to make this sacrifice I am certain you will be quite pleased with your chess winnings, and the fame that comes along with it. Just make sure you also have a secondary algorithm to make sure nobody changes the rules to prevent you from using google glass.

7. The Dark Universe Gambit

The ultimate chess ingredient to unleashing all your dark talents is to release the full universe of dark talents at once in perfectly calculated attacks. To do this, you will have to connect to the dark universe and speak mentally, in your mind, to various characters there. You will want to speak with the mummy, frankenstein, tom cruise, and more. Whatever you discover there, you should channel all of that from its expansive world, through your mind, into your hands, and into the chess board.

This dark talent is the most powerful of all because by connecting with the dark universe you should be able to find a way to become the most powerful chess player of all time. This is like using google glass on drugs, the most powerful dark talent of all. By connecting with entire realms inside your mind, by channeling the power of the dark universe, you are sure to find even more dark talents, hidden ones not mentioned here. This is of course a gambit…it may seem like you are throwing away your time and possibly even your sanity trying to connect to a parallel universe of dark chess talents, but I can assure you the payoff is extreme.

It can be risky, but when the dark universe gambit pays off you may find yourself playing chess on a level never before seen by anyone, not even by the masters themselves. You see….not everyone, not even the masters, has unlocked these 7 dark talents. It’s up to you to master all 7 dark talents and save the world from the chess grandmasters who have constructed this prison around us. You must unleash the dark universe gambit along with these other talents and if you succeed, you will be sure to win big at every chess championship you encounter. Your journey is only beginning, but if you press on you will find that chess has many hidden layers. Good luck!