The Giant Inside
By: Christine Quaglia
Tags: Growth, Self Improvement, Self-awareness, Growth Mindset, Self Love

Inukshuk, Rankin Inlet, Nunavut, image courtesy of mapio.net

We each have a giant within us. Not a sleeping, scary giant as the idiom would have us believe, but a watchful giant. A giant of wisdom, patience, intelligence, knowingness, substance, grace, competence, and calm. Yet sometimes our big, beautiful giant inside seems asleep. For example, my giant can be awake but then seem to slumber like an idiot, half-woke, unable to stay conscious to the truth of what is and what it can do. I can look in mirrors held up by those I love and trust and be like: ‘I hope that the real deal I see is me?’. And that doubt leaves me punch-drunk because my decisions bear fruit of being good ones! I behave competently and do things confidently. I’m brave when afraid. Other people see it too. So why then this disconnect? Why the shock when someone sees my giant? Turns out, the real idiot is the tiny yet powerful trickster of the ego that runs amok now and again while the knowing soul of the giant waits patiently to be like: ‘are you done? I’d like to get up and have a stretch.’. Well, here’s the news AND the weather: I am done. My giant inside would like to stretch all the way out into even longer periods of consciousness and I’m here for it.

Now can the ego ever be eliminated? Not to my knowledge. Will any of us vanquish all fear, self-doubt, and everything we’re scared of? Uh, no. Can the ego be sublimated so the giant of our soul can stay at the forefront of our consciousness for longer and longer? Yes. How? Working that out, but practice seems to play a role. One answer may lie in a movie about mountain climber Tommy Caldwell called “ The Dawn Wall”. In it, Tommy is trying to climb a nearly impossible section of El Capitan. He’s trying and failing; trying and failing and then right before he gets it says “I felt this flow of confidence”. He woke up to his giant inside, to the one that is the flow and the only one that could carry him up that pitch and all the way to the top. Our giant inside is never unconscious or acting a fool but even it can retreat for a bit when the monster of the ego and the gremlins of unconsciousness, fear, and shame occasionally overtake us. But our giant is wise enough to say ‘I’ll wait quietly over here until your tantrum is through’. Our job then is to remember that giant; that quiet and loving presence is just waiting for us to engage with it instead of its opposite. When we don’t, as Reshma Saujani says, “that’s the drama talking, not the knowing” and the ego is all drama, all the time.

Still image from the film “The Dawn Wall” via imdb.com

So, why even let that drama in? Other than being human one reason may be we are taught that to acknowledge goodness or competence would be arrogant, and, while it can be a slippery slope, the true giant is not arrogant or boastful, it just quietly knows and can accept who and what it is while knowing it is wrongheaded and unnatural to play small. I’m learning more and more that recognizing one's “ place in the family of things “ and acknowledging being a good vessel for something great and infinite is not a thing of arrogance it’s just a thing that is.

Also, while we can be brave when afraid, if perfect doesn’t follow brave that cancels everything out. The truest truth though is that we can be brave, followed by imperfect, followed by learning. We can be Tommy on El Cap. It wasn’t that he’d never get to the top it’s just that he wasn’t there yet.

Lastly: we can act competently and be confident but not be conscious of it or we can attribute it to luck, instinct, or good advice from someone we love. And all of that can be true. We can be lucky, have good instincts, and be surrounded by thoughtfulness and love. I know I am. But we have to be as conscious of our inner giant as we are of all of the giants that surround us. We have to hold everything in the balance; being conscious of our strengths and our limits; our egos and our giants as well as our fellow giants all while deciding exactly what will get the benefits of our energy and of our time. And we will not hold this balance well all of the time, but, with practice, we will do it more as we become more.

Recently, a friend shook my giant and woke it nearly instantly. They did because they have been so patient and told me about my giant exactly one million times and were now telling me that they love and trust me enough to push me up the mountain to find the pass where I can stay woke to my own damn self! They are the best kind of friend and who push me and show me that I’m capital “O” okay. They will help, support, love, hear, and advise me when I’m afraid and remind me of my giant by showing me theirs which is mighty. See, the best kind of friend.

In the series of mountain ranges in my life, this is a big one but I’ll keep climbing it. Up to the peak and then down again through the valley. I’ll try and fail and try and fail and the more I try the even more fully conscious I’ll become of my giant. And along the passes, I’ll look into the mirror-like streams of the ones I love who surround me and reflect back to me, sometimes without saying a word, the truest truth about my giant inside and it’ll be a quiet but awe-inspiring gift that I hope I will give to someone too. And who knows: maybe in writing this I already have? The giant in me sees and honours the giant in you.

WRITTEN BY

I write about what affects our lives. Thoughts we have, questions we raise and ways in which we can grow and, hopefully, become better so we can do better.