Follow the Four Agreements of Dating
By: Acamea Deadwiler
Tags: Dating, Personal Development, Relationships, Self, Love

Follow the Four Agreements of Dating

Making these promises will help you ensure a healthy courtship.

Photo by picjumbo.com from Pexels

The Four Agreements is a classic self-help book by don Miguel Ruiz that I recommend every single chance I get. It covers agreements that you are to make with yourself in order to improve your mental and emotional well-being. The profound yet simple wisdom of this book is life-altering. It will change how you see the world, which starts with changing the way you see yourself.

That’s what I love most about The Four Agreements — that it guides you to make promises to yourself, for yourself.

Too often, we look outside of ourselves for answers and validation. This is especially true in dating and romantic partnerships. We look to our love life to dictate how we feel about our lives in general.

If someone doesn’t reciprocate our interest, we allow it to taint our self-image. We question if we’re attractive enough, funny enough, interesting enough…the list goes on. We wonder if we did something wrong that turned the person off. Ultimately, we need to know why the person we want doesn’t seem to want us.

In order to not sacrifice our self-worth on the altar of desire, it’s a good idea to have supportive principles in place when dating. Only you can protect your mental and emotional stability.

The idea of making agreements when dating likely makes you think of an understanding between two people. However, just like in Ruiz’s book, the most impactful contract is the one you have with yourself. It’s between you and you.

Why? Because you can’t control what other people choose to do. Also, because external transformation begins within. This is about your peace of mind — which is your responsibility.

I believe broad use of The Four Agreements will help you in every aspect of life. But it can never hurt to engage in a more specific application. Here are four agreements I’ve made that could help you maintain your sanity and esteemed perception of self when dating — no matter what the other person does.

Agreement #1 — Date in the Present

If it’s good, let it be good. If it’s bad, let it be bad. Looking ahead is a problematic habit that can ruin a connection or have you making decisions that aren’t based in reality.

When the dating phase seems to be going great, we’ll often self-sabotage. We try to control the relationship’s trajectory and guard against negative outcomes that haven’t happened yet. We can’t just enjoy the moment and allow it to be what it is.

What if he’s pretending to be a nice guy to get into my pants? What if she’s only after my money? Of course, it’s always beneficial to use common sense. But we won’t know the answers to those questions for sure unless we let the situation play out.

In adopting a pre-determined perspective, we’ll often conjure supporting evidence and bring to fruition the very scenario we hope to avoid. Or we’ll waste time and energy trying to turn a situation around and shape someone into a mold that simply doesn’t fit.

Challenge yourself to date in the now.

Agreement #2 — Be Authentic

You have to believe that you’re enough as you are. Yet, you can’t come to this realization if who you are changes based on who you’re dating.

Promise yourself that you’ll say what you need to say. Express your genuine likes and dislikes. Resist the urge to establish commonalities that don’t exist to make a person believe the two of you are a perfect match.

Being a dating chameleon may work for a bit. But eventually, one of two things will happen. The truth will come out and shatter the illusion of unique compatibility. Or you’ll be miserable because your needs aren’t being met.

Let people love you for you — or not at all.

Agreement #3 — Don’t Take Anything Personally

This is one of the traditional four agreements but applies directly to dating as well. A lack of romantic reciprocity can affect our self-esteem because we take it as a slight. If a date seems distracted or otherwise uninterested, we make it about us.

We don’t always consider that maybe they had a bad day or are nervous and trying not to overstep any boundaries. No. We decide that they don’t find us appealing.

Little of what other people do is about you. That’s a rule of thumb to fall back on and help avoid taking anyone’s actions personally. Even if someone doesn’t find you attractive or isn’t interested, it STILL isn’t about you. The issue rests within them. As evidenced by the fact that the next person you date may very well adore everything about you.

Agreement #4 — Trust the Timing of Your Life

Believing that your life is unfolding as it should and will evolve as you desire helps you date in the present and be authentic. It releases you from the pressure of making things happen. You can stay in the moment and not feel compelled to force a connection because you trust that love and companionship will happen for you.

When it’s time, when you’re ready, it will come. Stressing, wishing, and hoping won’t speed up the process. So, why not try trusting? Relieve yourself of your self-imposed, futile duties. It will do wonders for your mental health.

Dating can feel like a wicked game.

We only make it heavier by overemphasizing its implications and trying too hard to win someone’s adoration. Promise yourself that, above all things, you won’t allow the pursuit of romantic partnership to supersede your relationship with yourself.

Making these four dating agreements keeps that most crucial relationship front and center, right where it can serve you.