Supporting The Anxiously Attached Partner
By: Annie Tanasugarn
Tags: Self, Love, Psychology, Life, Self Improvement

However, unlike healthy relationships, there is an insecure attachment style that should be mentioned here: Anxious attachment — marked by one (or both) partners seeking constant approval and reassurance from the other, an overarching fear that their partner is either cheating, planning to cheat, or going to leave them, and bending over backwards to try and please their partner often by neglecting their own needs.

These types of relationships are often filled with a lot of passion and toxic peaks and valleys where solutions aren’t found, often because partners may not be able to pinpoint the issues at hand.

Or, they’re used to having dramatic and unstable relationships as “normal” — and even comfortable — so a solution may not want to be found.

Not for nothing, these relationships should have a time-out until each partner understands themselves, their part in the cycle and where and how it started (*hint: childhood).

Yet, the reasons that call for a relationship breather, are the same reasons keeping the push-pull dynamic in full effect.

Adding another layer to these unstable relationship dynamics, is that Anxiously-attached partners and Avoidantly-attached partners are usually drawn to each other like two moths to the flame.

If we think about it, this makes perfect sense.

Each type of insecure attachment style seeks out (chases), and simultaneously pushes away (runs) from the qualities the other has. This works two ways: they want to approach the other for belonging and at the same time they reproach the other because that person is seen as a threat to their sense of autonomy.

…two sides to the same coin.

For example, those who are Anxiously-attached may want to be “fixed” or “saved” in the relationship where their partner’s needs come before their own in an effort to make them feel whole or complete, while many Avoidantly-attached partners like doing the “fixing” or “saving” to shy away from their own growth.

Partners who are Anxiously-attached often have a fear of being left behind or abandoned that can be triggered by an Avoidantly-attached partner who often has a fear of engulfment, or a feeling of losing themselves in the relationship. The Anxiously-attached partner may ‘chase’ the Avoidantly-attached partner to be reassured they’re loved, or wanted, which in turn can cause the Avoidantly-attached partner to ‘run’ from emotional overwhelm.

Those with an Anxious attachment can misconstrue their partner’s autonomy or need for personal space as being abandoned by their partner, whereas those with an Avoidant attachment can misconstrue their partner’s belongingness, emotional availability and ease of intimacy as something to fear and avoid at all costs.

Anxiously-attached partners commonly report feeling fear, anxiety or impending doom whereas an Avoidantly-attached partner is often seen as shallow, aloof and independent.

On the flip-side, Avoidantly-attached partners often report feeling numb, bored or indifferent where the excitement, spontaneity and passion of an Anxiously-attached partner makes them feel alive or gives them a sense of purpose.