Step Back, Check Yourself.
By: Stella Sakia
Tags: Expectations Management, Mothers, Parenting, Sons

Step Back, Check Yourself.

Do you ever hate your children, Stella?

Clockwise: Lisa, Stella, Benard, Brian & Bradley

A hasty apology followed that question from a friend of mine. I think she was taken back by the sensitivity of her question. She is a new mother in town trying to figure the complexities and, sometimes frustrations, of motherhood. “Sometimes I daydream about tossing my baby out of the window.” This statement may sound violent in the ears of one who is yet to enter motherhood. But I guarantee you, it is only a thought. No sane mother would hurt her own. That short-lived thought is an outburst of frustration which, I guess, parents fail to differentiate from hate. After 11 years of parenting, I can safely say it is perfectly normal to have negative feelings that are nothing close to hate.

A few days ago, I had a discussion with my friends that is relevant in this context but in relation to expectations. Some were on the opposing side saying they have no expectations in life, and the rest of us said that is impossible. As a parent, there are certain things you expect like a well-behaved child, cleanliness to tantrums. The only problem is that kids do not get this memo and do the opposite.

Getting to terms with our kids behaving contrary to what we expect comes with experience. You have to learn to accept your kids for the person they are and not the one you wish them to become. You have to parent the child you have and not for which you are yearning. We need to manage our expectations and train the child. Our kids are not responsible for our expectations and the outcome of those expectations. One would say; Check yourself! For every input, there is an output. How you feel with anything is a result of your own expectations.

Young Filipino Boy

My boys have a flair for pushing my buttons. And I will fall for it nine out of ten. “Bradley, who taught you how to do that? I will beat you until you turn purple if you try that again.” I yelled at the top of my voice when he tried to do a backflip standing on the edge of the sofa. Without I hint of panic or remorse, here is what this little man asked me. “Mommy, did you have to raise your voice?”. So I should pretend I am watching a stuntman in a circus. But he got me. I stood there frozen like a deer in front of an oncoming car’s headlights. “What should I do with this tiny tot?”. I pondered as a stared into the innocence in his eyes. I lowered my voice, broken by the softness of his and said to him, “Brad, mommy does not want you to hurt yourself, that body is mine until you are old enough to look after it. So, make sure you don’t try that again.”

We can scream, yell and even feel like tossing them out of the balcony. But we can’t. We will provide and protect them, even if we have to jump out of the window.

These little people are God’s gift to us and are here to stay. We don’t hate them. We have to adapt our parenting skills to train them into the men and women we hope them to be.

So the next time they push your button like mine did, to make you scream, shove or spank, please don’t. Do this instead.

Step back, check yourself.