5 Annoying Behaviours the Patriarchy Taught Me
By: Stark Raving
Tags: Gender Equality, Feminism, Sexism, Women, Equality

5 Annoying Behaviours the Patriarchy Taught Me

A listicle of internalised misogyny.

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Since becoming a feminist and educating myself on how we are conditioned into gender norms, I’ve developed a form of doublethink, simultaneously struggling to free myself from everything I have been taught since I was a child, and being fully aware of how wrong many of these things are.

Doublethink is knowing that your worth shouldn’t be tied to your weight and that fatphobia is just another way of policing women’s bodies, but also crying when I look in the mirror because I hate my belly. It is knowing that women are conditioned to be nice, even at their own expense, and yet still saying “I’m sorry” when a guy tries to pressure me into sex. It is knowing what is true and still struggling to disbelieve that which isn’t.

Doublethink makes you feel slightly insane, and reveals how hard it is to free ourselves of internalised misogyny. Our society hates women, and it doesn’t teach only boys to hate women but also girls. Women might be the ones fighting for gender equality, but that doesn’t mean we are free of sexism. In fact, teaching the oppressed that they are inferior, making them complicit in their own oppression, is an important factor in maintaining the power structures in place.

It’s why, when I look at my life, I see myself displaying internalised misogyny through many of my behaviours — from being jealous of other women to always relying on men for my own validation. Here is my top six of toxic attitude that the patriarchy has taught me:

1 —The only time I like myself is when I am starving my body

I was only 12 when I first developed an eating disorder, and it’s had an impact on my life ever since, even though I am no longer constantly on a diet. The truth is I always feel like I should be, I hate my body constantly. When I’m not depriving myself, I feel guilty and weak. Which basically means that the only time I like myself is when I am fasting, dieting, weak and hungry. I have to chose between joy and loving myself. Except the truth is, neither is complete without the other.

2 — I’m jealous of other women

Female friendships are often presented as toxic — there is this stereotype that we tear each other down at the slightest opportunity, that we bitch and gossip about each other and would tear our girlfriends down in an instant. I have never found this to be true. My friendships with women are deep, loving, supporting, and loyal, not the toxic catfights that Hollywood depicts. That being said, I still find myself frequently jealous of other women rather than fully being excited for their successes, which shows that on some level I have internalised the idea that we are all in competition for the limited resource that is men.

3 — I lack confidence in my body

I feel like it is one of the cruellest contradictions of the patriarchy, that women are taught that they are in constant danger of rape and yet never taught how to defend themselves. Obviously, we should not be in danger in the first place. But it is doubly debilitating that we are taught that our bodies are vulnerable and weak. Lacking confidence in their own bodies has many effects on women: it stops them from developing their physical potential, pushes them away from sports, and leads them to feel like they need to rely on men for protection.

4 — I’m sorry for apologising so much

I say I’m sorry because I feel like my very existence is inconveniencing others. I apologise in work emails for asking questions or requesting a raise that I deserve. I apologise for being too loud, I apologise for taking up room, for bumping into a guy in the street (even though he didn’t move either), I apologise for not being a good enough feminist, and I apologise every time I even bring up feminism. Even when someone is being horribly sexist, I end up apologising for calling them out on it.

5- I always need male validation

As girls, we are taught to put other’s needs before ourselves, we are also taught that our identity comes from serving others. We have to be kind and cute and pretty for men, which also means that our entire sense of self can rely on man’s validation of our existence. It’s why I always feel more confident when I have a boyfriend, and struggle to love myself if I don’t have the stamp of approval that comes in society only when a man “picks” a woman.

6 — I struggle to say no

No is one of the first words you learn to say as a toddler, but as girls grow up, it becomes harder and harder to use. Part of being nice at all costs, and put others needs before our own, means ignoring our own boundaries for the sake of others. When it comes to sex, this is extremely harmful to our mental well-being. It is very hard to say no when you are made to feel like you will hurt a guy’s feelings, or when he is constantly pestering you to say yes. We aren’t taught that our boundaries matter more than anyone else’s feelings. In our rape culture where pressuring a woman for sex is normal, this means that we are constantly backed into a corner, and leads to many incidents of rape and assault. Saying yes because you feel obligated to is not consent.