My Weird Relationship With Gender
Tags: LGBT, Nonbinary, Transgender

Hey! I started writing this a few weeks ago, but I decided to rewrite and start over because it was starting to turn into word vomit. Anyway, as the title suggests, this is going to be with gender and how I’ve viewed it throughout my life. Let’s start at the beginning.

Obviously, I was AFAB: assigned female at birth. I didn’t question this at all growing up because I really didn’t know of any other options. I was actually super girly growing up, and I genuinely enjoyed expressing myself that way. I learned about trans people when I was around 11 or 12 when watching a documentary about Jazz Jennings, a young trans woman that’s around my age. I remember telling my mom about her, with her angrily lecturing back about how trans people are confused and in sinful nature. She always referred to gay people as “confused” when I was young, too. Whatever.

Anyway, as I’ve said before on here, I didn’t really get into LGBT issues until I joined online fandoms when I was around 15. At that point, I was still totally identifying as a straight girl. When I started coming to conclusions about my sexuality, I began to play around with my appearance more. I cut my hair off and started experimenting with more androgynous fashion. Of course, the conservative adults I interacted with regularly all found this *hilarious*, especially when I was referred to as “sir” at Panera and my mom flipped out. At that moment, I realized I LOVED being called sir. Like, more than the average girl would, even another cis lesbian. I think that was my first clue that I’m not really a girl.

Through 2017, I was still pretty new to the LGBT community and I was finding my spot there. I couldn’t figure out if I was butch or “futch” or whatever. I was obsessed with seeing what qualifications I fit to decide whether or not I could really use a label. This especially applied to the term “non-binary”. I didn’t know what I needed to think, feel, and do to TRULY be non-binary. Like, what if I didn’t mind being called a daughter? Am I just one of those “transtrenders”? Am I even trans? I finally realized from a post on Tumblr that you don’t need to do anything or follow a set of rules to be non-binary. You just Are.

Strangely, it was during our Hurricane Irma evacuation up in the mountains of west North Carolina that I realized I’m non-binary. I casually dropped it in the group chat with my closest friends and threw it out there on Twitter that I wanted to try out they/them pronouns. It was SO liberating. And SO cool. The idea of just being totally genderless was so fascinating. No she or girl or miss. They. Person. Mx? It was all lots of fun until I would go out into the real world and realize that my dream of complete androgyny was nowhere near as close as I hoped. While I was they/person/mx on the inside, no one on the outside saw that shift. They only saw she/girl/miss. It was painful not having my inside match the outside, and it still is. However, I’ve learned to trust and love who I am on the inside so it doesn’t matter what the outside thinks.

Where am I now? Well, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I really love the word “agender”. It perfectly encompasses that true androgyny I’ve craved for so long. One thing that’s weird to explain is how I’m still a lesbian, even though a lesbian is a GIRL who likes girls. Well, I still feel somewhat connected to my womanhood through lesbianism, but that’s it. I’ve learned that this is a common experience for many lesbians. It is so hard for me to correct people when they use she/her pronouns for me, even if I know they’re very supportive. Because of this, it makes my heart SOAR when someone uses neutral pronouns without me having to ask or remind. I love how my outward appearance has evolved to this point. I love having that masculine look with some feminine touches, such as a suit with a full face of makeup. It makes me feel confident and secure when I can be myself in this way, regardless of what people are going to say or think.

What does my future look like? Well, I would really love to live somewhere that eventually allows the legal “X” gender marker, but I don’t know how many places will progress that far by the time I graduate college. I would also really love to get top surgery, even though I know this procedure is incredibly hard to get and would be risky with my health problems. I don’t want to change my name, even though it’s traditionally feminine. Somehow, the shortened nickname of “Soph” feels less feminine, so I’ve been using that more and more often over the past few years. I think that’s it in the adventures of Soph Figuring Out What’s Going On. Oh, and one person has misgendered me often, but I don’t care that they do it at all. They are the only person I will fully allow to call me “girl” or “miss” as they have, and that person’s name is Brandon Rogers. Peace ✌️