How I Got to Introduce Polyamory to My 11-Year Old Son
By: Kathryn Dickel
Tags: Politics, Sex, Relationships, Polyamory, Parenting

How I Got to Introduce Polyamory to My 11-Year Old Son

Thanks, Bill Clinton!

Copyright: Getty Images

“Is Bill Clinton a Democrat or Republican?”

That’s how my 11-year old started what may go down as one of the most consequential conversations in our relationship and of my life as a parent. We embarked on this conversation as we lolligadded in my sunny bedroom one morning. He was headed off on a week long trip with his dad to San Francisco so we were stealing a morning away from our usual task masters, him school and me work, to spend some special time together. I like stealing time away from our schedules like this every once and awhile to remind me, and teach him, that we can initiate our own change in the routine. We can choose to be different. We can rebel in small, as well as big, ways.

“So, why was he impeached?”

As you can tell current presidential drama is taking up space in my 11-year old’s head. I went on to explain how President Clinton had sexual relations with a women that worked with him at the White House, a women that wasn’t his wife. He was asked about this relationship when he was answering questions under oath (meaning he promised not to lie) from some lawyers that were investigating a land deal President Clinton was involved in back in Arkansas before he was President. It was factually proven that he lied, under oath, about having sexual relations with this woman. As I was recounting the whole saga it reminded me about how utterly stupid it was. Thankfully, the next question wasn’t about what type of ‘sexual relations’ he had. I got to kick that can down the road. It also wasn’t what factual information was provided that proved he was lying. It wasn’t even why were they asking about whether he had sex with a woman when they were supposed to be investigating a land deal that happened before he was president. The next question absolutely blew my mind.

“What was the problem with him having sex with a woman that wasn’t his wife?”

My immediate response was, “that’s a good question.” It was in this moment that I realized that my 11-year old had yet to be indoctrinated into the monogamy culture. For him human sexual relationships are still gessoed canvases waiting to be painted on. Nor has sexuality been linked to ownership (aka exclusivity), security and self esteem as it had been in me.

My son’s front row exposure to intimate relationships has been limited to that of my wasband and I (happily divorced), his grandparents (separated but speaking for over 20+ years), his Uncle and Aunt (openly polyamerous) and my mother (single for all intensive purposes of his understanding). On the popular culture front, his main influence is Star Trek, a show that demonstrates a variety of gender constructs and relationship models in a non-judgemental narrative. (As a side note, if you are not utilizing Star Trek as a parental aide you are missing out on one of the best ones.) Considering his influences fit into none of the traditional monogamy models I suppose it’s no wonder that he didn’t get why having sex with someone other than a spouse was a problem.

As I absorbed his question I began to realize what an important opportunity I had to shape his consciousness. The gravity of parenting hit me in a wondrous way. Most of the time I feel like I’m being responsive and indirect in terms of my influence. This was one of those rare occasions where I was standing in the moment with choices and a real opportunity to have an important dialog ahead of the curve, not behind it.

“Was his wife mad?”

“I don’t really know if she was, Hillary didn’t make a comment about it, but she didn’t look happy. However, it could have been about something other than an affair, it could have been that their private understanding became public.”

“Wait! Hillary Clinton is his wife? I thought she was his mom!”

(Cue coffee spit!)

This was the first point I tackled. We don’t know what the agreements are that exist in any given relationship, and that’s okay because that is none of our business. What exists between two people is between them and we don’t need to know or judge those agreements. I also reminded him of the different agreements he has seen in his own life and that they are all valid if they are honoring the people involved. Love has many faces, I told him. Unfortunately many people have only seen one.

“Was the other girl mad?”

This was an interesting one. I read Monica Lewinsky’s Vanity Fair article in which she outlined her affair with Bill Clinton and I explained to my son that when people are careless with another’s feelings the result is hurt feelings. I told him that she felt she was treated poorly, but that she also acknowledged her willing participation in the situation. I went on to explain the issue of consent issues when sexual relations happen between two people where someone has the power over the other’s job. Sometimes the person with power can make someone feel like they need to have sex with them to keep their job, but that in this case the girl and the boy (in this case, Bill Clinton) both wanted to engage with each other. I said the girl had feelings of love for him, but that he didn’t feel as strongly about her and that inequity caused a lot of hurt.

“Do you think Bill Clinton did something bad?”

Yes, but I don’t think it was having sex with someone other than his wife, because I don’t know if that was something that he committed to not doing for her. What I said that I felt was wrong is that he didn’t take ownership of his actions, whether they were right or wrong. When asked about those actions he lied. I counseled to always ask yourself before you do something if you would be willing to tell anyone, no matter who they were, that you had done it. If you can’t own it, don’t do it. That includes sex, or telling someone you love them, or that you will do something for them and then not do it. I also pointed out that you have to do this no matter what everyone else thinks. In Bill Clinton’s case he likely lied not to protect his wife or his marriage, he did it to protect himself from the judgement of society.

A final thought. . .

I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and came back into the bedroom…

“Baby, I have one final thought here. Relationships, no matter what form they take are sometimes difficult because they change, and that’s because people change as they grow. The last thing anyone needs on top of that hard work is a bunch of judgement from people that don’t know their situation. Lead with compassion for those you love, and lead with compassion for those you don’t even know, and you’ll be doing alright.”

The revolution will not be televised.

I never had the opportunity to have a conversation with my parents about sex, monogamy or judgement culture. My son and many others like him do have that chance and they are taking advantage of it at a very early age. I hope this portends the fall of a world where a human being’s most intimate relationships can be used to destroy them, where there is only one way to love another person, and where we actually place that singular relationship construct above love itself.