Dodging the bullet
By: Ayu Sedona Journey
Tags: True Story, Relationship, Violence Against Women, Dating, Toxic Relationships

My personal story of overcoming of a toxic situation and learning about a man’s dark past

P.S: To respect the real people that’s involved in this true story. I keep everyone’s real identity in this story, hidden.

B was never my full-time lover, he was not my friend either. But for 8 months, B and I were close. B was a writer who happened to share the same circles of friends and community with me. We had been friends and known each other a year before we started to get close.

B looked like a nice gentleman. I admitted I was a little attracted to him back then because I had always a soft spot for a cultured man. Most importantly he was a writer & a performer, what’s not to like about that.

It seemed like B had liked me too. I was sure because he gave me a little extra attention than other boys did. I noticed the way he complimented me and the little act of service he did like treating me with coffee and inviting me to a special event. I believe he threw me hints and asked if I was available or taken. I guessed he was a little curious about me. But when he surprised me by reading my poem in front of the public, it was when I really saw him.

So, I made an approach. We went on a casual date. It was just the two of us, no skins involved. We went to watch an indie movie and enjoy a nice dinner in an Indian place that I loved. After the first date, we went to another date.

At this point, B and I were talking almost every day. He also started to probe me with questions about sex. I know I should feel alarmed, but B was a friend. I didn’t feel intimidated but a little awkward. When he probed me for the first time, I laughed it off. Later, we engaged in a sexual relationship.

To be in a sexual relationship that didn’t involve a romantic connection or commitment was not really my style, so I asked him if we could be exclusive. He refused, I like it where we are, he said and he mentioned about his mental health that was not in a good place. At that point, I respected him. I thought I’d asked him too soon. I didn’t mind his refusal, anyway. The dynamic of our situation was still good, things were still based on mutual respect & care. He gave me enough attention for me to feel appreciated.

But things started to get pretty rough. I knew he couldn’t get over his ex. He mentioned about on and off relationship with his ex on our 2nd date. I was surprised because he’d always appear single as he’d never seen publicly with a girlfriend. I assumed he must be a private person. He mentioned that his ex was studying out of town.

I tolerated it. I didn’t identify his friendship with his ex as something I should worry for. Besides, everybody has baggage. I was still hurt by a guy who left and blocked me before him. So, I opened up for B.

His ex situation was starting to take its toll on me. I was not sure of what happened but he seemed to be so obsessive about her. He couldn’t help but communicate with her every day and I couldn’t help to be jealous. I also learned the fact that the girl was pretty young and was almost half his age.

Things were getting unhealthy. We fought, cut off contact and reconciled so many times. But when we reconciled, there was no correction in his behavior. It’d get worse from here.

He would call me out, get angry and upset and at one point, he said that he’d kill himself if I didn’t stop nagging on him about his ex situation. I didn’t realize it was emotional blackmail. He became my worst critic, calling out that I couldn’t handle my own expectation while it was he who constantly gave me the attention.

He’d also say unrelated things about my career and my family as the reasons why he couldn’t commit to me. He said that as a woman who worked in a multinational company, I must have earned a lot more than him and he saw my social circle was a little too ‘international’ for him. All the things I felt good about myself, he didn’t like it.

Every time I tried to ignore him, he would always send me a message. He couldn’t let go of me as his love pet. He’d always want to provoke me and see how I react. He’d love it when I go angry and desperately call for him. I was not being my best self so I let the anger and jealousy had taken over me.

He manipulated me into thinking that he was the only man who could give me love and care and that I should be thankful that he still bothered about me.

I know, I was supposed to slap him and walk away. But the story didn’t go that way. I was still so hung up on him. During this desperate time, I found out that he had been talking to different women, who were not me nor his ex.

This time, I was so committed. I blocked all communications with him. It worked for one month or two. Then I opened up my Twitter for him, and he was the one to follow me back. I didn’t follow him though, but he was tagging me in his tweets, without no remorse nor guilt. I was annoyed by his behavior so I confronted him again on his birthday which resulted in him blocking me and I blocked him forever.

This was when I started the process of healing myself. It wasn’t easy. I hated the feeling of boredom because I didn’t have a partner to laugh and fight. However, we spent more time hating each other than caring for one another at this point. I kept reminding myself that this was for the best.

I started to take a Spanish lesson, travel to Russia and do whatever-the-hell a brokenhearted girl would do to heal. It helped, especially when I got the chance to connect with a girl whom he made advances to.

She was a translator he hired for a freelance job who lived in a different city. Not only she complained about him ghosting on her, but also about the due payment of her work and other translators. She told me that she was worried about a sensitive material that he might keep on his phone. I assumed that they had a no-string attached relationship to that had gotten intense and sexual.

Now, I began to worry about how many girls he had made successful advances with and what he was gonna do about the ‘sensitive’ materials that he might have on his phones or other gadgets.

I couldn’t help to be sour when I knew that he still roamed around free in poetry events and other communities. People would have not expected the bad behavior from him as he was known as the ‘big brother’ or an ‘uncle’. He could easily gain support and likes from his fellow twitter and IG celebrities, he had such a big influence in his own social circle.

Two days before Valentine’s Day, I discovered something that surprised and gutted me at the same time. It was an article that his ex had written. She highlighted the obsessive behavior that B had when they were together, including a claim of statutory rape. When they were dating, B was 30 and the girl was 16. It was not the first time I had learned that B was involved in an age-gap relationship, but I had never thought that it could be so bad. A statutory rape itself was a sexual assault that happened to a person under 18.

Suddenly, it all made sense. I knew why B was always calling and texting her. I knew why B couldn’t get over her. It was something in his head, that conditioned the girl to be the ideal girl he’d marry. He expected her to serve him all the time. Something that I, myself, was surprised to find out. I’d always seen B as one of the progressive men I knew.

The published article gave me a new perspective. After all this time, I thought I was the bad one, the villain in his story. His friends view me like a clingy and needy almost-lover and it was never pretty. It had also corrected me about the wrong assumption I had of the girl.

She, on the other hand, was made to believe the same thing. According to her, B suggested that I was a head-over-heels in love girl who kept chasing on him, a statement that I’d clearly deny as B and I were attracted to each other. He manipulated us into hating each other.

Right now, I had closed communication with B for almost a year and I could say that there is no more residual in terms of attraction and feeling. But my recent discovery is something else.

I had seen so many women, even the brightest and the most beautiful ones, fell into a situation, relationship or a man she doesn’t deserve. Because women were thought from the beginning that “Men are hunters and women are gatherers.” so we were told to always please settle and receive, but not to challenge anything. We were taught that winning a man’s love is the ultimate prize in life. But it doesn’t always have to be. Maybe that is why, both of us, the ex and I tried so hard to persist in this toxic romance. That is why women race to marry.

This is the kind of behavior that I really want to fight.

I had never felt so significant and close to a sexual violence experience. Yes, I was not the one who was assaulted, but knowing that I had a close relationship with the alleged perpetrator, violence was just like a Russian Roulette. I felt victimized even though I wasn’t violated sexually. The moment when I found the article, I immediately made contact with the writer herself and sent my support.

Patriarchy bullies the women, first, from relationship and dating and if we don’t fight against it, look where it can take us?