Alone during the Holidays
By: Josh Beno
Tags: Happiness, Holidays, Loneliness, Family, Depression

My daughters mom asked me “is it sad to not have a family or be around people for the Holidays.” My response without question was, “Me not being close to my family or friends is for my own happiness.” I don't think that was the response she was looking for. Soon after I may have realized its not the response I was looking for either.

I used to be apart of the “in crowd” and have a lot of friends. Holidays were filled with an abundance of joy and happiness. Even though I always had separation anxiety when it came to my split family growing up, father living in Illinois and mother living in Arizona, there was always that warm feeling in my heart when the season arrives. But as I got older, naturally life gets going, and anxiety and depression set in. For me I started to see people for who they really were. The friendly smiles, handshakes and kind gestures were a mask for the greed and narcissistic tendencies that society has created for itself. I myself try to be as kind and loving to everyone I meet. A characteristic I developed early on from my step father. Seems to be why I shy away from a society that's built from the idea that its a “dog eat dog world”.

My daughters mom and I were together for all the wrong reasons. We were a couple of wild party kids addicted to the night life. Drugs and alcohol were a priority. We lived this way for 6 years before we found out we were pregnant. Deep down I was so excited to become a father, because at 26 I was ready to put my old lifestyle behind me. To make things easier for my pregnant girlfriend, I decided to stand strong and quit drinking with her during the pregnancy. During that same period, I came to an understanding with myself that I didn't want my daughter to see me smoking cigarettes. So I gave that habit up as well. I started reading books on becoming a more healthier, better me and those old habits I gave up quickly got traded out for healthier eating and physical fitness. It must have created a resentment, because routinely going to the gym made me go from the flabby alcoholic dad bod, to an athletic appearance. Meanwhile the woman carrying my child was getting bigger and more uncomfortable in her own skin. I did my best to assure her that she was beautiful and everything that is happening, is such a wonderful and natural experience. About 5 months into the pregnancy there would be comments from her describing this time as one of the worst. “I just wish I had her already so I can have a drink again.” Trying to be understanding and supportive I brushed it off and tried to adapt to her needs while pushing forward in my newly found addiction.

We were together 3 years after my baby girl was born. Within that time I continued on my journey of physical fitness, eventually zeroing in on the amazing sport of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I decided to learn the “gentle art” in hopes that I can teach my daughter one day to protect herself, naturally in a world where bullying, in most places, is part of the everyday childhood. But as I went in my direction and realizing all the old friends, (including the mother of my child) I had while living my alcoholic lifestyle, had became extremely distant if not there at all. In my mind I thought these “friends” of mine were going to be extremely happy for me. But the support I got from them, made me realize I was going to have to develop new friends, or to just be happy and build a life to support my daughters needs in the future. The end of our relationship was finally set in stone when my now 3 year old daughter, walked out of the bedroom with an empty bottle of liquor that she found hidden under the bathroom sink. I strongly felt that I didn't want my daughter to see both her parents involved in a world where alcohol was in control and part of an everyday way of life.

After being in a relationship for roughly 9 years I decided to venture out into the world alone. My trade of being a mechanic was lucrative enough to make living on my own a possibility, and I felt my family here in Arizona would be supportive of my wants and needs to build a new life. Little did I know that I would find out what loneliness was all about. Soon after I mistakenly found myself in a new relationship, with a woman I knew from the past. Considering the amount of struggle and heart ache I felt from my recent break up. I thought I would fill the feelings of loneliness with a new person. It worked for a short while. Problem with jumping into a relationship too soon, is that you don't know the person for who they truly are. I realized that people put on a mask until they get comfortable around you and that's when the true version of themselves comes out. When my baby mom found out I was in a new relationship, she took away any and all rights I had as a parent. She got authorities involved like I was some scary monster of a dad that would put my daughter in harms way. Even though she knew deep down that my daughter is my life. I changed everything for her. But she didn't see it that way. She had it set in her mind that I abandoned our family and gave up on them for another woman. I hired a lawyer and tried to speed up the process in anyway possible because everyday that was passing, was a day I wasn't involved in my daughters life. She avoided all the process servers and court documents for 3 long months until she was subpoenaed to show up to court. Eventually the courts awarded me 50/50 custody of my daughter. One of the happiest and saddest moments of my life. I thought the worst was over, but this was just the beginning.

Me and the new girlfriend decided to move into the same neighborhood as my mother and grandmother. It was such a beautiful new-er house with a nice backyard and plenty of room for our children. She had 2, from a previous relationship she was in and with the addition to myself and my daughter it seemed we were on our way to a big happy family, right? Wrong! Since I was fighting for my daughter in court, and spending my time with this woman and her children it became routine until my daughter came into this new household . The children grew very protective and insecure of their belongings. Not involving her in their fun and games, and any sort of attention I gave my daughter, brought on a “Josh doesn't care about us only her” idea. Soon after the woman I rushed into a relationship with turned out to resent me for having my daughter. Anytime my daughter was around we would argue and the tension was extremely high. When my baby girl wasn't around, it seemed like everything was good and life was perfect. It had me feeling like I was living in a complete twilight zone. Filled with mass amounts of emotion and depression towards this new family I had created for myself. During these times my mother and girlfriend developed a relationship based off common interest. Girlfriend was a nurse at a highly decorated hospital and mother was going to school for the same line of work. During these hard times I had no one else to fall back on. So I reached out to my mom in hopes I could figure out a way to ease the tension. My mother told me that I better not leave this woman because it would ruin her chances of getting into the location and position she desired after school. As the arguments got more intense with the girlfriend seeing that I was not giving up on my daughter, my mother decided to “join her side” and tell me if I don't stop ruining this woman and her kids lives, she will physically remove my belongings and set it all on fire in the driveway. My self worth was at its lowest. I reached a point of not having anyone to turn to. My feelings of loneliness were strong. I was extremely depressed, I started making excuses for missing my work out routines and fell short of what I had set out to do originally. Started drinking again and found myself sitting in the bar more often than not. After work I would get multiple single shots and a 6 pack of my favorite beer. When I got home, I wouldn't get out of the car. I would just sit in the driveway and drink till I couldn't stand. Drink till I was ready to go endure the painful accusations and ridicule from the “better half”. I would show up to work unshaved and smelling like a brewery. Slowly stepping away from the work ethic, confidence and personable appearance I once had.

It took me a little while to snap out of my depression and new painful tendencies. But I did it with reading some self help books and took a stoic approach. I decided not to focus on anything I cant control, but only the things I can. It lead me to finding a new road to yoga and meditation which in turn brought me to being the best version of myself. I stopped relying on trying to reaching out to others to found happiness within myself and started building it. I have watched for certain red flags in people and keep a very small circle. I have my own place now and although I have dated. I'm very cautious with who I bring into mine and my daughters life. She remains the best person in my world. I will be apart of her life for as long as I am around. As far as my mother who I have not spoke to my mother in a couple of years, I hear she never finished nursing school and is no longer friends with the woman she stood up for over her own son. I hold some anger and negative thoughts towards her, still to this day because I personally haven't figured out how to forgive someone knowing that I cant forget about the troubles and anguish they have caused me. So to answer my daughters moms question of “is it sad to not have a family or be around people for the Holidays.” Yes!! It is sad because deep down I am a family man at heart. All I ever wanted was to have a good loving family and continue positive growth in such a way where happiness and love remain unbreakable. But throughout the years I've come to realize that even though I have to share my time with my daughter and Ill be alone half the time. My happiness is based off my actions and my own responses to things. Even though I might be lonely during these joyful times. I am at peace with the solitude I endure. Everyone's idea of loneliness could be interpreted differently. As long as we push forward in the right direction, and search for positivity we will come out on top, because at the end of the day your actions are what matters. Your happiness is entirely up to you! No matter what situation you run into.