How Trump’s Dysfunctional Days in the White House are Helping Me Heal
By: Elizabeth Rustemeyer Drake
Tags: Family History, Mental Illness, Alcoholism, Narcissistic Abuse, Narcissism

Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash

Donald Trump’s antics don’t bother me. Like. At all. That doesn’t imply approval of any sort. It just means that, to me, antics and drama and yelling and bullying are completely normal.

Finding a way to live “normally” amongst chaos and lies definitely comes in handy. It is one of the many survival skills that served me well growing up. It still does. It’s a product of being born to a toxic mother married to a broken, enabling father. Enabling grandparents, aunts, uncles, the like. Surrounded by multiple generations of enablers in a constant and enduring state of denial. So, yeah — that’s pretty much how my sister and I grew up. Living with and terrorized by a version of Donald Trump. Sounds interesting, right?

But to be clear, what Donald Trump does and says, on a day to day basis, is not actually that damaging. It’s just noise. Now the enablers that surround him? That is where the real damage is done.

Donald Trump would not be so darn noisy and disruptive if it weren’t for his enablers. A drum can only beat for so long without others to continue the cadence. Add in some cymbals and now there is quite a din. And a tambourine! Now we’re talking.

The same is true for the dysfunctional narcissistic family. The initial wound may be inflicted by the toxic parent, but the real and lasting damage, the deep, deep wounds, are opened and reopened by the enablers. Intentionally or unintentionally, enablers give their blessing for the toxic person to continue inflicting harm without consequence. The enablers might even bring along the cow bell.

Most recently I was struck by how similar the dynamics of Donald Trump and his enablers are to my own family. So it isn’t shocking that “important” people in our country cast their morals and ethics aside and do whatever it takes to keep Trump from exploding. Exploding on them, I mean. So do family members of a toxic person. The enablers, as a whole, don’t want any part of that. Trump can explode on anyone without concern, as long as he is not exploding on them. So could my mother. But in my family, my mother exploded on her children. Unchecked. But who cares what happens to anyone else, especially those without the power to defend themselves? It’s abhorrent.

On the other hand, Trump and his enablers are teachers. For those unfamiliar with the characteristics and consequences of narcissistic family abuse, witnessing the crazy making behavior over and over again in the news coverage should get you up to speed rather quickly. Donald Trump and his enablers really do a terrific job bringing the dysfunctional family script to life. The dynamics also point out that people behave similarly whether they hold public office or they are family members not brave enough to stand up to the toxic person. Denial runs rampant here, and as witnessed every day in life as we know it, the enablers prioritize the emotional status of the toxic person beyond and above the physical and mental health of the toxic person’s target. They enable the toxic person and avoid doing the right thing. The hard thing. Enablers refuse to take a side. But…they must.

“We must take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” — Elie Wiesel

There are people that actually do take sides. And action. I just don’t know any.

So it can be comforting to bear witness to Trump and his enablers act out this cycle over, and over, and over again without fail. Because it promotes awareness. It then becomes clear how the toxic person bullies everyone into submission. The enablers empower the toxic person. Everything and everyone revolve around the unstable and unpredictable moods of the toxic person. This is not safe. Life is dangerous.

We need to talk about how narcissistic abuse happens in families. And in the public eye. It is pervasive. It destroys the spirit. When children are victims, it is incredibly damaging. People need to learn about narcissistic abuse and how it affects EVERYONE in a family. We need people to learn to stand up and stop the cycle of abuse.

Although it sounds ridiculous, I’m not ready for the Trump show to end. Right now I can depend on a nightly — at least week nightly — opportunity to see what it looks like when people challenge the bully. Challenge the enablers. We need to help the toxic person, not empower them. We need to educate the enablers, not let them off the hook.

So if you need a refresher, just watch the Trump election news coverage. It’s all there. Pick your favorite channel. Please also watch someone stand up for what is right. Watch Nicolle Wallace have America’s back. She has all our backs. No matter what.