Is Christmas Time Not Always Merry for You ?
By: Alyssa Brown
Tags: Self Reflection, Christmas, Mental Health, Family, Stress

Is Christmas Time Not Always Merry for You ?

I spent Christmas with my boyfriend and his family. I’ve been with him for four years and his family are considered my family. It was an occasion I expected I would love, and although it was wonderfully spent, it was hard.

My own family is challenging. Family inertia is a staple feeling in my life. My family doesn’t celebrate collectively. We don’t connect intellectually or emotionally. It’s a hard thing to recognise day to day and these depriving conflicts become normalised or suppressed mentally to the point where family relations have uncomfortable moments that I shrug off, yet there is something that always eerily irks me regardless.

Except when it’s Christmas.

If you’re exposed to other families and you feel a deep sadness as I have this Christmas, remember you’re not alone. It’s a provocative season for many. It’s hard to process too.

Here’s the catch about family from my point of view. Trauma, loneliness, abusive relationships, work and/or illness and many more can be categorised as the stresses of life. To be in a sanctuary where these issues can be managed, is desired heavily amongst people.

Family becomes such a sanctuary because we are in a vulnerable environment. A family that welcomes these issues and tries to help that individual through them, is a wonderful thing. Routine days should be like that. Coming home to your loved ones who are willing to talk to you, share meals at the table, go out to restaurants without leaving in such a haste to resort back to the confines of your room, sit outside and share small talk over mindless yet humorous topics. People and place that relieve these stresses of life can be your family.

Christmas brings sadness for me. My mother is the only true family member of my nuclear family that I know is connected with me intellectually and emotionally. Who understands my mental health and the stretch it can take to pain me. When I spent this Christmas without her and observing the beauty of my boyfriends family, I truly felt alone. I felt like I was a burden and I was envious of his sanctuary.

He tells me that his family aren’t great and although I believe him, I do see a lot of joy that is brought to his life from his family. Their happiness blanket those stresses in his life.

I can only see it clearer than clear when it’s Christmas.

I see that I do not have such a family. It brought up the pain I have that my family space is just another toxic setting that I thought would bring me great relief from those stresses. I bottle them up, repress them and put them away. Only to have them brought up by comparison.

I say Christmas is hard because it’s a time we’re all meant to be with each other. Spent socially and engaged in conversations. Eating a variety of delicious meals and sharing gifts. When I was with my boyfriends family, it felt surreal. Utterly surreal that it brought up the reality of my own when I saw just how much bickering, passivity and irritability my boyfriends family go through that they can shrug off because of the closure and love they have.

I went into a spiral of breakdowns at his and I feel guilty. I felt disheartened that I wasn’t spending time with them at the breakfast table on Christmas morning. I was curled up in his room in a state of depression. I realised it was just so hard for me to be there.

If these times bring you a lot of grief and feelings of hopelessness, to say I am sorry is an understatement. I wish I could embrace you with a dozen joyful moments. It’s hard to say that Christmas is the best time for us when family comes strongly into play. (as well as religious reasons)

But please, remember this. You can create your own family. Family is not singularly defined as biological relations but a group you know are close to your heart, mind and spirit. In understanding this, no matter how hard your own relative family is that you grow up with, you’ll have people who are family in your life that love and protect you.

Whether they’re online, your friendship group, they’re a workplace, a sports club you’re in or the neighbours next door, you can create you’re own family. Try to spend time being in a position where you have a place to come too when life’s stresses are the most testing. This is the most important thing I’ve realised after so many years in the family dynamic I am in. It’s a valuable thing to come to terms with because I’ve deeply connected more with those around me by being open and honest about my own self. Those who don’t warrant it, do not need to be part of my family. That is ok. My mum is fantastic and she is so close to my heart. She is my true family. Yet, that doesn’t mean I can’t have other families too.

I just know I can spend Christmas with the family I have found (and of course my dearest mother) and hopefully, next time, I won’t have to sit sad and jealous. I can sit sharing a smile and thankful for these beautiful people that love the connection we have.

I truly hope your Christmas was at the very most, relaxing and rejuvenating. This year has been extraordinarily tough. Stay COVID safe and protect those dearest to you. They’re your family.