A Toast, To Being Honest
By: Vikki Chan
Tags: Compassion, Coronavirus, Difficult Conversations, Relationships, Honesty

As the start of the end of the year chimed in with a national prison (sorry, lockdown) release and the reintroduction of our ever-faithful tiers, it started to sink in just how honest we’ve all been forced to be this year; sometimes voluntarily through the kindness and care for others, other times to ease our own discomfort, and then, the good old begrudging honesty. The times so difficult and filled with angst you’d willingly take on your teen years’ painfully tight, train track wired teeth just to have something to lie through. We’ve experienced all of it, let’s not lie.

Test and trace aside, I’ve never had to disclose so much of my whereabouts and events of my day to anyone. Paradoxically, I’ve never had so little to report but report I must, to maintain a good conscience and my close relationships. Of course, what comes on either side of this declaration is the pep talk I have to give myself beforehand and the disappointingly fleeting feeling of relief and satisfaction of being ‘a good and honest person’ once it’s done. All of which is inevitably ruined anyway by the rapid invasion of what feels like sloth-paced seconds of silence and worry as you await the response. Will it be true nonchalance, or judgement unsuccessfully hiding itself through a faint twitch of the eye?

In the spirit of this piece, I’ll be honest and state now that through this entire year, I haven’t consistently complied with the guidelines and rules. Cue nervous coughs (note: not virus-related) and stifled imitation giggles. On occasion, I have: veered closer than the 2 metre distancing rule allows, given and accepted a much-needed consoling hug to and from my closest, forgotten to sanitise my hands, elbows and eyeballs upon entering a new doorway. I am sorry. While none of my actions have been reckless or an act of rebellion and boycott, I’ve understood that to some it could seem this way. More often than not though, it’s happened out of fatigue and desperation.

After absent-mindedly sharing a sandwich with a friend under shelter on a drizzly Saturday, I frantically asked him if he’d recently swapped bodily fluids with anyone. Read: have you had any one-off midnight escapades in the last seven days to remedy the understandable Single Person’s Skin Hunger Issue of 2020, of which by the way, I fully empathise with but also leaves me at risk of contributing to the scaling R rate? As close as friendships are, there are some things we want to keep to ourselves and only share if and when we are ready and willing. Though now, it seems we share everything regardless of readiness and far beyond just a really good squid sandwich!

The act of being honest, whether in declaring your position or asking others of theirs, also asks one to stand pretty firm in themselves. Examples of some defining lines of the year: “I’m not hugger at the moment”, “Yes, you can use my cup”, “It’s a long drive and I’m desperate but I won’t use your loo, thanks.” We are backing our beliefs and actions more than ever while being forced to admit fault, contradiction, or questionable moments according to our own moral compass and health standards. When attempting to arrange a third date, I cringed when I had to ask, “who are you having dinner with tonight?” The answer was truly none of my business (at least in pre-Covid times) and frankly I didn’t want it to be — IT’S A THIRD DATE! — but I was certain this shoulder shuddering, soul wincing question was needed to ease my own Coronavirus anxieties. And it did. Then of course comes the issue of trust, but that’s not for now. Word count and mental capacity are very real.

This year we’ve all participated in some odd and sometimes confronting, honest conversations when still navigating our own changing feelings, justifications and ideology around the seemingly never-ending virus and its joyful updates. Out of necessity and boredom, we’ve learnt more about ourselves in the past nine months, and for the most part, discovered a hidden talent and acceptance of “you do you, I’ll do me, it’s all good”. No, really it is. Well, like I said, for the most part. We should absolutely take this new-found skill and agreeability into the new year and utilise it beyond Covid-related agendas, but lets have less generalised societal suspicion and anxiety and a little more personal life privacy and discretion, yes?