Suburbia, Please: How to Get Your Chain-Restaurant Fix Near SF
By: Emily Busse
Tags: Bay Area, Restaurant, San Francisco, Food, This Just In

I moved to the Bay Area five years ago, after 23 years in the suburban Midwest. I adopted city life for a reason, and I love it. But every so often, I feel the pull of the ’burbs, a great longing to go to a restaurant where I can park in a designated lot, be quickly escorted to an oversize booth by a college student in suspenders and be handed a 45-page laminated menu.

I want free soda refills, dammit.

Every so often, my boyfriend (an Iowan) and I will trek to a nearby suburb to satisfy this craving. Before we bought a car, we even rented a Zipcar specifically to make the 35-minute drive to the nearest Buffalo Wild Wings. Sure, there are chains in the city, but there’s something about pulling off the interstate into the glow of a 50-foot neon sign and coasting luxuriously into an open parking spot that really gets those endorphins flowing.

If you, too, hear that suburban siren song occasionally, fear not. I’ve ranked a few of my favorite spots in the Bay Area. Plus, if you’re on the hook for a Valentine’s Day date but dread reservation anxiety and a pricey tab, consider what sharing a fried-onion blossom might do for your love life.

Chevys Fresh Mex—Emeryville

Conveniently located just across the Bay Bridge, Chevys Fresh Mex in Emeryville is a short trip that will leave you feeling utterly transported. In all honesty, the food is subpar at best. California’s bounty of excellent Mexican food throws Chevys’s mediocre fare into sharp relief. But this place makes the list for the customer experience alone.

Order something they can’t mess up, like the Nachos Grande, or, if you want some drama, the fajita plate.

Ask for a “bay view” table, and you’ll be treated to a high top next to their floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the water. As soon as you’re seated, one of the 10,000 servers who somehow all work there will bustle over with unlimited chips and salsa (free) and ask if you’d like to indulge in a too-large frozen margarita festooned with overturned Coronitas (those weirdly adorable tiny Corona bottles).

Order something they can’t mess up, like the Nachos Grande, or, if you want some drama, the fajita plate. You know they serve that puppy sizzling like crazy in a cast-iron pan — the noise alone ensures that everyone knows you aren’t there to mess around. If you really want to go for it, take a gamble on the Big Daddy Caddy—Don Julio Blanco tequila, triple sec, sweet and sour, and a mini bottle of Grand Marnier to top it off (limit one per guest).

Bonus tip: On Valentine’s Day, they deck the place out in paper hearts and pink balloons, hire a DJ to play ’90s jams from a laptop and set up a photo backdrop where a server wearing cupid wings will snap a Polaroid. We display ours on the fridge.

Food: 3/10

Experience: 7/10

Address: 1890 Powell Street (Emeryville)

Benihana—Concord

Benihana sits on the pricier end of chain restaurants, but the food rarely disappoints, and the experience is unmatched in suburban nights out. Where else can you count on such comforting rituals as the “flipping a shrimp tail into my pocket” stunt or the always amusing “onion volcano/train” bit? Watching the chef throw spatulas around like a ninja as you stuff freshly prepared fried rice into your mouth is a true delight.

What’s more, you’re treated to a rare collective experience with strangers. Yes, it’s awkward at first as you take your seat around the hibachi with six random diners. But sure enough, by the time the chef is launching a steaming morsel of steak into Grandpa Mike’s mouth from four feet away, you’re cheering and congratulating a man you now feel comfortable calling Grandpa Mike.

You’ll leave feeling more full than seems medically advisable yet with another souvenir Polaroid in hand. Bonus benefit: the 70-plus minutes you’ve spent sitting inches away from the hibachi grill means the smells of a Japanese steakhouse have soaked deep into your pores. You can hang on to Benihana memories until your next shower.

Food: 8/10

Experience: 9/10

Address: 1989 Diamond Boulevard (Concord)

Krispy Kreme—Concord

After leaving Benihana, walk 400 feet to Krispy Kreme. Or, hell, drive. They’ve got their own parking lot too. Now, I know post-hibachi donuts may sound aggressive, but take some deep breaths, and keep an eye out for that “Hot Now” light. It means you can push your nose against a glass pane to watch donut upon donut glide through a curtain of melted glaze.

Even in this day and age, when I’ll happily hand over $5 for a single scoop of Salt & Straw, the Krispy Kreme Original Glazed sits pretty at $0.99 a pop.

This addictive American donut chain bestowed its first and only location in San Francisco last year, but what local wants to be within 1,000 feet of Madame Tussauds? The Concord location — nestled within the beautifully paved labyrinth of the Willows Shopping Center — is the perfect post-dinner spot. You can assuage the cumulative guilt built up from walking past Krispy Kreme–shilling teens who always seem to choose your morning BART exit for their fundraiser.

There are few bites more satisfying than a warm Original Glazed. Even in this day and age, when I’ll happily hand over $5 for a single scoop of Salt & Straw, the Krispy Kreme Original Glazed sits pretty at $0.99 a pop. They’re demanding to be eaten.

Bonus tip: If your stomach is game for the next level, throw a KREME-filled variety in the box.

Food: 11/10

Experience: 5/10

Address: 1991 Diamond Boulevard (Concord)

Texas Roadhouse—Fairfield

If you’re a fan of kitsch and you’ve never been to a Texas Roadhouse, buckle up. This place is straight out of a Stefon skit. They’ve got everything: an on-site butcher counter, live line dancing and peanuts literally everywhere.

Seriously, if you have a peanut allergy, stay far away. As soon as you walk through the door, you’ll be standing on a carpet of peanut shells. The restaurant provides them for free in metal buckets at every table and in actual barrels in the waiting area. Many people toss their shells straight onto the floor. That habit has caused problems (read: lawsuits) for the chain, but the National Peanut Board remains a huge fan.

Now, the dancing. Every 30 minutes or so, the country music gets cranked up a few notches, and you know what’s coming. Servers — wearing signature “I ❤ My Job” shirts — stop what they’re doing and line-dance to such cherished classics as “Cotton Eye Joe,” “Hoedown Throwdown” and “Save a Horse [Ride a Cowboy].”

Finally, the rolls. Oh, the rolls. The pages upon pages of recipes for copycat Texas Roadhouse rolls online will tell you that these babies are something special. Warm and fluffy, they come served with little cups of cinnamon butter. And — drumroll, please — they’re complimentary. One hundred percent free. $0. No currency exchanges hands. Honestly, order a side garden salad so you can eat your weight in rolls.

Bonus tip: I’m recommending the Fairfield location instead of the closer Union City spot because Fairfield is on your route home from Tahoe. Just when everyone is getting extra pissed off by the Sunday-afternoon traffic, pull off at Texas Roadhouse and sit a spell, partner.

Food: 7/10

Experience: 8/10

Address: 3333 N Texas Street, Fairfield

TGI Fridays—Union City

Last but not least, the epitome of cool in the ’90s: TGI Fridays. A veritable dreamscape (hellscape?) of tchotchkes, fried food and heinous uniforms. Those striped, suspendered ensembles inspired Jennifer Aniston’s “flair” scene in Office Space.

If the blinding-white starkness of Blue Bottle isn’t doing it for you, pop over to TGI Fridays, and soak in some sensory overload.

Fridays’ high-calorie spread includes loaded potato skins, chicken wings and my personal childhood favorite—Cup O’ Dirt with chocolate pudding, OREO crumbs and gummy worms. The interior design was always a sight to behold as well. Nearly every inch of the walls was covered in a random array of nostalgia-drenched decor: antique skis, metal diving helmets and, always, a canoe suspended from the ceiling.

I’m writing in the past tense because, apparently (and to my utter horror), TGI Fridays has gone the way of the minimalists. Now, I get it. Casual dining is yet another casualty of us bloodthirsty millennials. We’ve been “killing” chain restaurants for years, and TGI Fridays hasn’t been spared from steady closures. Union City holds the only surviving Bay Area location. Regardless, its garishness was part of what made it so appealing. If the blinding-white starkness of Blue Bottle isn’t doing it for you, pop over to TGI Fridays, and soak in some sensory overload.

This is the only one on the list I haven’t personally visited, but I’ve already chosen it for our Valentine’s Day date this year. Thankfully, it appears that the Union City’s Fridays hasn’t gone minimalist just yet. I spy a canoe in this Google image.

Food: 6/10*

Experience: 7/10*

*Based on visits to other locations

Address: 31900 Dyer Street, Union City