Woodpecker Science
By: Bill Evans
Tags: Community Engagement, Malapropisms, Human Behavior, Comedy, Email

Upside down Layla — photo by William E Evans, 2019

We’re all crazy on this bus. Some recent posts on the Lake Barcroft community list serve:

“Good evening, any experience with getting rid of an annoying woodpecker that is damaging the soffit on back of our house?”

Dear Annoyed: you may find twelve gauge pellets will need to be followed shortly by a soffit replacement, but that’s the price of quiet, eh? Woodpeckers need to eat, sometimes we need quiet. Think like a woodpecker, then hammer the sucker.

“Please recommend the right person to call to investigate the noises we hear coming from the attic. Thank you.”

Oh dear. Is Kathy Bates still lurking about since her last movie?

“Million dollar baby DaVinci Tyler set in espresso: convertible crib, change table, and chest of drawers. All excellent condition. Drawers/change table assembled, crib disassembled to fit out the door. Set is $380 new, asking $200 obo. Will also include; 2x crib mattresses (Sealy Perfect Rest, Dream on Me) and change table pad. Cheers”

DaVinci Tyler in espresso? I wet myself. Dream on Me? Didn’t Mick have a similar line in Let It Bleed? Like I’ll never go to sleep again lonely?

“Free: Large sofa from Hamilton’s — 86”Long X 31” high (18” high at seat) X 36” Deep. 3 cushion seat & back, plus 2 16” square pillows. Slip-covered in cotton in a soft coral/cream floral design with cream cording. Slipcover is faded, minimal stains, no tears. Cushions are down-wrapped foam and have retained shape. Cushions and pillows have zippers and can be laundered, but should be air dried to avoid shrinking. Frame is sound and comfortable. Much used but in pretty good shape. We have a photo for anyone interested.”

Minimum stains and down-wrapped foam: hmm mmm. But did you change the baby on that sofa lots? Hope it’s in expresso.

“Totally proved I have family involved in the studies…Upper UVGI [Ultraviolet germicidal irradiation] “deactivates” all sorts of viruses … you can get a spread sheet on the time for deactivation (that is the proper terminology not “kill”) for all sorts of different viruses…. this is known technology from 1907. What was not know was the deactivation rate gir sars-covid2 [sic] — but the studies my brother is involved in show 7 minutes to completely deactivate a proper sized room. Employed broadly during TB and measles and still in hospitals. My brother is designing systems for nursing homes and hospitals. He does not sell the product he just engineers….”

Yeah? You ‘totally proved you have family involved’–still taking your drugs, right? 1907 was an exceptional year for technology. No cause to re-engineer it is there?

“Anyone have an extra empty propane tank laying around they’d like to give away or sell cheap? I’m looking for one to trade in for a full one.”

Heh, heh, heh. He’ll also throw in some unopened Georgia ballots if you need them.

The following is re. Your Car in a Ditch:

“Sorry to have missed you. We heard you knock but were not able to get to the door in time to talk with you. You will probably need a tow truck to pull the car out. Your car is blocking our driveway. Although we don’t need to get out of our driveway anytime soon, we wonder what your plan is for retrieving your car. Let us know. Thanks… “

Oh crap.

True story: I had a car stolen once right out of our corporate parking garage–they drove it right past the security guard. I came out to go to a noontime meeting, no car. That weekend, I listened to a phone message asking would I mind moving my car from across the Potomac River on account it was blocking her car in the alley, missing four wheels. Seemed obvious I wouldn’t be moseying over too soon, so I didn’t return the call.

“Since we have neighbors with so many diverse interests, I decided to ask our [list serve] before going elsewhere to see if anyone is interested in a rare collection of cocktail glasses I inherited. “The set consists of 40 glasses — 8 each of 5 different designs. They commemorate President Richard Nixon’s 1974 foreign trips… The gold inscription… reads: “President Richard Nixon’s visit to Belgium and the Soviet Union–June-July 1974’ and so on. The other side has either a front view of the White House or a map of the Middle East with flight routes, all inscribed in gold. The glasses have never been used, and are in like-new condition, with gold inscriptions intact. [made in Thailand in smaller print] “An online presidential memorabilia merchant, called Lori Ferber, [not her actual name?] is selling just one of these glasses for $95. I am thinking about parting with the entire set for a bargain price of $800. Any Nixon fans out there? They are nice, solid glasses, even if you are not crazy about Nixon.”

Nixon in China glass collection photo by list serve member–honest

Dear Glass Collector: May I offer a deep place in the lake so they’re found a thousand years from now by anthropologists amazed at their near-mint condition? And I certainly wouldn’t tell anyone that they were ‘inherited’ wink, wink, say no more…

“Toddler inflatable mattress for sale — like new condition and includes a fitted sheet set. $20 (new is $65). Peppa Pig playhouse and toys — $5 House has sounds and volume control. Comes with furniture and figures shown. “Bluetooth microphone — like new — $15. Can use as microphone, connect to Bluetooth to sign [sic] along or play music. Rechargeable. Works great!”

Now that’s one talented baby. The kid’s working gigs out in Los Vegas now?

“Good afternoon, before I order a flag pole to hang our new xmas flag under our US flag, I’d wanted to know if anyone has an extra one they no longer need. Thanks in advance.”

Oh gosh–an xmas flag? –what would Oral Robertson say? And what on earth IS an xmas flag? Inquiring minds and all. Hitting the nog again, eh? Ho, ho, ho.

“I know we have a lot of animal rescue folks out here around the lake so I figured I could reach you all at once by posting here. I have an 81-year-old mother who lives in an apartment a few minutes away from here. She has had cats her whole life up until a couple of years ago when a very unstable cat that she rescued bit her pretty badly and she had to be hospitalized for a very bad infection. I am just starting to look for another cat for her. The cat has to be completely litter box trained and love to be held and touched and snuggled a lot. I’m looking for a cat who is seeking out human contact all the time. My mother Is very loving and is looking for a cat to sit on her lap while she watches television or does her artwork. If any of you know of any cats that might be good for an elderly single woman please reach out. You can feel free to text me at the cell number below.”

What’s the per diem? I like snuggling and I don’t bite.

Seriously dear, you can’t order cats on Amazon ‘cause–how to explain it–animals aren’t like flowers you order when she does kick over. Cats are living creatures hoping for a better life than watching someone croak on your behalf. So get up off your lazy butt and go visit her. And bring flowers.

“I need the brain trust of LL….. We will be celebrating my mom’s 94th birthday soon. We usually take her out to a nice restaurant for dinner on her birthday, and if at all safely possible, I’d like to do it again this year. Thus, the ask–anyone have suggestions for a nice restaurant that might have (sufficient) outdoor heating or somehow safe indoor seating? Thanks very much.”

Holy shit! 94! Kick up them heels–figuratively speaking. Well sir , did that ever erupt into a discussion, along the lines of WTF, lady?

Uh huh, yes ma’am, everyone’s hunkering down, being mad at late pizza deliveries and all, but if the old girl’s about to make it to 94, doesn’t she deserve to stay alive, eat bad pizza and live another year?

To close out with something more poignant:

“Rear-loading handicap van, 67,893 miles, new brake system just completed holds up to 2 wheelchairs and seats Driver and 3 passengers Could be used as a cargo van. Disclosure: Needs new muffler and paint has seen a bit too much sun but runs great.”

Hope whoever loved that person is still smiling–better still, the person who once needed the van is still smiling too at the brand new van in her driveway.

Though in the end, we in Lake Barcroft live in a wilderness of attack kitties where the wildlife run scared:

“We saw this confrontation as we pulled into our driveway. Not our cat (and not our fox). We assumed this was going to be bad news for the cat, but the cat jumped at the fox and the fox went running away at top speed!”

Fox and the Kitty photo by Susan Bower, 2020

If I’m lying I’m dying — as no respectable Greek philosopher would ever say. I’ll take my loving husky to go visit. Layla loves everyone. Oh sorry, no cats or foxes; I don’t know which she dislikes more.