There is no “happy ending”
By: Dan Munro
Tags: Stoicism, Depression, Happiness, Suicide, Success

If you were raised in a “western” country, you’ll have noticed a strong theme with every fairytale, Disney movie, and fable aimed at children. The theme is about how it all works in the end. That’s right, it’s always with “…and they lived happily ever after”. This is a common theme in the messaging we receive growing up, isn’t it? The hero sets off on an adventure, overcomes a challenge, falls in love, and then gets to settle peacefully into a vague, eternal retirement.

These stories are told to us before our brains have fully developed critical thinking processes, so we swallow them like iced-tea on a hot summer’s eve. As children, often protected from the harsh realities of life, it’s easy for us to believe that we will eventually succeed over all struggles and have an easy ride for the remainder of the journey. This is bolstered by other supporting beliefs, such as “The good guys always win” and “The universe is fair”.

When we get to school, this concept is sold to us even more directly. Finish the essay, and the topic is done forever. Pass the exam, and the school term is completed. Get your degree, and you’re done with higher learning. Every time something is finished, we are allowed to burn our books, throw away our notes, and forget everything we ever knew about it, retaining only what’s needed to begin the next level of learning in that subject.

There is a clear message being conditioned into our impressionable young minds: struggle through the challenging lesson, pass the test, and then you’ll get to enjoy a permanent vacation because it’s game over. We start to believe, nay, expect, our own happy ending. I’ve decided to call this toxic little piece of psychological bullshit the Finish Line Fallacy.

THE FINISH LINE FALLACY

This is the belief that there is a final finish line in life. While this manifests in different surface-level ways for each person (which I’ll go into soon), it basically consists of a subconscious drive toward reaching the end of effort and pain, dreaming like a marathon runner finally busting through the white tape.

We come to believe that if we can just succeed enough — by whatever arbitrary standards we’ve been raised to believe is enough — then we will be rewarded by heaven on Earth. A glorious and never-ending blissful experience with abundant resources, love and health. Despite the evidence all around us, of people dying unexpectedly, bad people winning unfairly, and hard work going unrewarded without reason, we can’t let go of the idea that it will all just “work out in the end”.

While we don’t speak about it directly, it can be clearly seen in our intentions, goals, dreams and behaviour. The average person can be seen rushing toward their finish line, panic-stricken with the fear that they’re not going fast enough. Maybe it’s the way they stress about deadlines at work, or the way they seek to move their date forward to sex or a relationship, or maybe it’s shown through their obsessive dedication in training their body to the point of injury. Little thought is given to trying to live in a permanently sustainable way — it’s nearly always just a mad rush to the “end”. We’re future-focused, almost completely unable to be present, and sacrificing all enjoyment of life trying to constantly serve a greater goal of total completion.

WHAT IS A FINISH LINE?

The finish line takes different forms for each individual, ranging from immeasurably vague through to minutely specific. It all depends on your influences and beliefs around what quantifies success.

It can be financial; a certain sum of money is the end-goal. This can be extremely vague, like “enough money to do whatever I want,” to be extremely specific, like “retire as a millionaire”. It can be social, with a vague goal like “become popular,” or even something related to skill, like “be able to talk to / sleep with anyone I want.” Or often it’s in the form of socially accepted benchmarks, like getting married and having children. It can be related to other areas like health (six pack abs), careers (become an entrepreneur), or possessions (buy a house).

Often, an individual cannot define it. They only know they take little pleasure in processes and only enjoy achievements, yet even after “success” they quickly focus on the next level of achievement. It’s like being pulled by the future and pushed by the past. You’re trying to get through it, onto the other side, often only semi-conscious in the process of actually doing it. You’re just serving time like a prisoner.

Many people even have a vast combination of life-achievements that are required to cross their finish line — a “successful person” being defined as someone who is good at everything and has everything that everyone else wants. They want and expect so much from themselves that they’d need to be supernaturally talented, successful and lucky to achieve it. And on those rare occasions where they’re actually able to meet these standards, they’ll be just as quick to up the ante and ask even more of themselves, creating an impossible goal.

Whether it’s specific or vague, realistic or impossible, conscious or unconscious, confined to one area of life or spread over many; the common theme is that once you “get there” your struggle is over for good, and you can finally rest. People sacrifice their enjoyment of life now because they believe this is a necessary down-payment on eternal bliss later.

SO? WHAT’S WRONG WITH HAVING GOALS AIMED AT HAPPINESS?

Back when I was really struggling with financial insecurity, I turned to my mentor Jesse Krieger, owner of book publishing company Lifestyle Entrepreneur Press. I was suffering because even though my finances were finally somewhat stable, I still wasn’t feeling secure. Jesse, and his then-mentor Laura Gisborne, revealed something that rocked my world. Even though they were both significantly better off financially than I was, they still had the same basic issues as me.

As they put it: “Same problems, more zeroes.”

They had already crossed my imaginary financial finish line (I figured I’d be “happy” with $100K per year) and yet both still regularly struggled with money problems. That’s when it hit me: the dark, painful truth is that there is no finish line. There is no eternal happiness. Whatever you think “there” is, it will change once you arrive. Your satisfaction will only be temporary before the relentless hunger grows to consume you once again. Why? Because you’ll still have problems.

No matter how many goals you accomplish, how many achievements you add to your trophy cabinet, or how many skills you possess, the problems never end. The finish line fallacy is really about a fantasy of a problem-free existence, where everything is smooth, predictable, enjoyable, entertaining and aligned with your own definition of “winning”. So no matter what you achieve, you never quite rid yourself of the feeling that you haven’t yet crossed the finish line, because problems still crop up.

How can they end, when success creates more problems? Make more money and you’ll just end up with more sophisticated financial problems. And the government or banks could still take it all away for no reason (just look at what happened in Greece recently). Get into a relationship or have a lot of sex, and suddenly you are thrown into the emotional worlds of other people which you must now navigate on a daily basis. Get married and have kids, and now you’ve got the endless issues that long-term family relationships and parenting brings up. Buy a house, and deal with a mortgage and rates and maintenance. Become CEO of the company, and now you must protect that company and its employees. Even if you become a black belt in your favourite martial arts, now you have the problem of becoming a teacher and defending your reputation.

Your problems will never end. Success has no impact on them, it only changes their nature. They will still be just as aggravating as they always were. Kim Kardashian is equally as bothered by her stylist cancelling an appointment as the local homeless guy is about being harassed by the police. There are moments of happiness for everyone in every life, but there is no such thing as a happy ending; an eternal bliss. There is no finish line.

You see, what the movies and fairytales failed to explore is what happens to the hero after that chapter of the story ends. They don’t show the handsome Prince Charming getting old and developing the gout, or Cinderella losing her best friend to cancer, or Aladdin going through a midlife crisis while bailing his kids out of prison. Children, especially in Western cultures, are lied to about the everlasting nature of challenge. Life never gets easier.

BUT HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THOSE HAPPY PEOPLE I SEE ALL THE TIME?

There are some people who appear to have crossed your finish line; at least from your perspective. They seem to have what you want, or dominate the skill you wish to master, and you don’t see them suffering the way you do. You scroll through social media or scan the room at a party, and all you see is success, love and happiness. It looks nothing like your average day, so you start to suspect that you’re doing things wrong. Your comparison to others feels accurate, so you rarely stop to question what you’re seeing.

Firstly, like most people, they’re probably pretending. While a few rare people do have mostly satisfying and fulfilling lifestyles, you still don’t see them when they’re at home arguing with their partner, trying to manage their kids, and balancing the cheque-book. You just see their hyperbolic Facebook posts and painted-on smile. You don’t see them dealing with the anal fissure that just won’t heal, or the Borderline mother-in-law who uses guilt as a weapon against their children, or the endless niggling engine trouble with the car that’s too expensive to replace but almost as costly to fix. Nobody brags and boasts about this stuff, yet it happens to us all.

Have a closer look at the people who “have it all.” Notice how someone like Dan Bilzerian — the so-called King of Instagram — seems compelled to show off via social media. Why would he do that if he was content with his life? A truth that’s often right in front of our eyes that we’re blind to is that the more you see of someone’s “happiness”, the harder they must be trying to show it to you. A confident, secure person would make no effort to show it to you, you’d only see it by accidental observation. If someone’s trying hard, they’re not happy. That’s about all you can be certain of.

Notice, perhaps, how your “happily married” friends never seem to go travelling or take any risks. What does that tell you about how much fear controls them? While they brag and post pictures of their children on a minute-to-minute basis, you must ask yourself what else they have going on in their lives. How do they even find the time to show so much of their lives to others if they’re busy living them? Compare that with yourself: why would you spend an inordinate amount of your time on your phone posting about your life? Simple: because you’ve got nothing better to do. Is someone with nothing better to do than post online about their lives really “successful”?

Look for the exceptions beyond the perfect image everyone tries to paint. Some of the most satisfied people I’ve ever met lead astonishly humble lives. They aren’t changing the planet or becoming the most popular influencer or carving out rock-hard abs. Usually, they maintain a basic routine that involves plenty of time to chat and connect with people, while indulging in hobbies and play when they aren’t building character through a bit of honest hard work. The many people I’ve met who are “living large” are more often than not driven by raging insecurities about being insignificant, unlovable or poor.

Secondly, your version of the finish line might be nothing to others. In your eyes, they’ve achieved everything beyond your wildest dreams, but there’s a really high likelihood that they aren’t so impressed by their own success. Mark Manson, the author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, observed that the human condition is one of never-ending dissatisfaction. We are unable to enjoy a “win” for very long because our brains are wired to immediately start looking for more threats and problems to solve. Like a child who’s bored with a toy, we are quick to discard and undermine our achievements in favour of finding a new issue to bitch about. Those people you’re jealous of are more likely than not experiencing the same average level of happiness as you or anyone else.

JUST LOOK CLOSER

Here are realizations I had about some of my finish-line idols when I explored beyond the surface:

Tim Ferriss, a massively successful author and podcaster, has openly admitted to struggling regularly with bipolar disorder and suicidal levels of depression. These issues continued after the massive success of his first hit book The 4 hour workweek. His success didn’t make him much happier than he’d been before. He’s crossed most people’s finish lines, and yet still struggles to find happiness.

Mother Teresa, one of the most famous saints to ever have lived. She’s known and revered for altruism and kind-heartedness; indeed, she’s commonly used as a model for compassion. Yet hard, undeniable empirical evidence has emerged supporting the claim that she deliberately kept people sick so that they needed her. She deprived terminal cases of pain relief and adequate medical care, not to mention basic comfort needs. She regularly hob-knobbed with high-profile figures who were known for committing great acts of evil. It’s fair to say that she had an inherent neediness for love and attention that seemed insatiable, to the point where she was willing to allow others to suffer just to get a bit more love for herself.

Jonathan Davis, the singer for alt-metal band Korn, one of my most worshipped bands of all time, was bullied and sexually abused as a child. Indeed, the raw and emotional motif of Korn’s hit songs are directly derived from his suffering. The reason Korn was so popular amongst teens is because it accurately portrayed the angst of poor psychological attachment. Davis became a drug addict after Korn hit fame, and continued to suffer for many years despite being “successful” by anyone’s measure, as did most others in the band.

These famous names committed suicide recently. Anthony Bourdain, whose job was to eat amazing food in wonderful places with excellent people. Robin Williams, who could count on being loved by millions during every second of every day. Chester Bennington, of Linkin Park, was admired as one of the best rock singers of his time, and enjoyed hit after platinum hit without fail.

This list can go on and on, and if you do your own careful research into your most admired idols, you’ll eventually uncover the suffering that affects them even to this day. It turns out they’re all just human, with problems that continued long past achieving financial success, fame or legacy. No matter what your definition of the finish line is, somewhere out there is someone who’s crossed it many times over and yet is even more miserable than you are. Somewhere out there is a homeless beggar who enjoys her life more than Kim Kardashian ever has. It’s all relative.

SO WHAT IS SUCCESS?

Maybe the reason some people are so “successful” and possibly even genuinely happy with life is not because they’ve crossed a finish line, but for another reason that you can’t yet see. Maybe they’ve discovered a more helpful motivation to live by; a point to aim for that isn’t eternal comfort and pleasure. Maybe their finish-line accomplishments are merely a by-product consequence of pursuing a higher goal. Maybe they don’t consider solving all your material and superficial problems to be a worthwhile use of your time.

As the Buddha is quoted as saying about happiness: “Joyful participation in the suffering of the world.”

Or, as Mark Manson puts it, satisfaction with life is about finding better problems to have. You enjoy solving problems, you like the sense of relief when everything works out, so you assume that you’d enjoy solving all your problems forever, a permanent end to any sense of issue. But think about it; that doesn’t even make sense!

Not only can you be sure that you will never end all problems, but without problems you can’t enjoy solving them. You think their resolution satisfies you, but you only enjoy it because of the painful process before resolution. Satisfaction is born of pain. The smartest people know this. They know that long-term satisfaction doesn’t come from having a six-pack of abs, it comes from enjoying the pain of that seventh pull-up. It doesn’t come from a big pile of cash in the bank, it comes from courageously facing the fears that come up as you start your own business. It doesn’t come from being loved, it comes from finally getting through the awkwardness of a confrontation that you’d been avoiding for too long.

I encourage you to reframe the endless suffering that is life into something else: A never-ending abundance of problems to solve. A series of missions for you to tackle, with the added challenge of choosing the right problems to solve and ignoring the rest. You must ensure that your intentions are to in fact be challenged, rather than to remove challenge from your life permanently. If you choose to be challenged, you’ll choose problems that enhance your quality of life, like being more honest, courageous or curious. If you are trying to avoid challenges, you’ll choose short-term instant gratification, problems that are simple to solve, and end up chasing things you don’t even want under the illusion that you’ll one day feel secure.

Even an impossible problem, like death, can be solved, in that the challenge is to reach acceptance of dying. Hell, achieving acceptance about problems you can’t solve might be the most difficult — and rewarding — problem of them all! You have enough on your plate solving the issues that you can influence in some helpful way; the last thing you need is to be distracted by mentally undressing the problems that you can’t do shit about. Think about the amount of mental bandwidth we pointlessly consume trying to cognitively solve unsolvable issues. What a waste!

You know that rush you get when you solve the seemingly impossible problem? Think of how you feel when you get through something that originally terrified you. Without problems, you can’t experience that feeling. You can’t impress yourself, which is the single most important factor in self-confidence. There’s no change to impress yourself in a life that doesn’t have overwhelming challenges. There’s a good reason that successful celebrities still top themselves — they’ve actually over-achieved and made life too easy for themselves without correcting this error. Suicides only affect the ends of the spectrum — lives with too much suffering or too little — which unfortunately are probably the majority of people rather than the fringes. People with the right amount of moderate challenge are too busy solving shit and feeling proud of themselves to bother with such an extreme out.

The truth is that an eternal happily ever after would bore you into insanity. It would kill you slowly, like the suffering of a spoiled brat. There is no end to problems, thankfully. You have an unlimited potential for satisfaction available to you every day. And if you’ve been too successful to have life throw challenges at you, you must seek them out and make them happen. Overcome your fears, test your endurance, try new things, put yourself out there for criticism… whatever it takes to create a daily dose of discomfort.

The only real issue you need to figure out is which problems are worth trying to solve. Rather than aiming for a finish line, perhaps take the Stoic approach of looking for the most satisfying, value-aligned problem for you to tackle today. Not even to solve it, merely to try solving it. A lot of self-help gurus shit on the concept of “trying” and say things like “You either do or not do, there is no trying”. Shut up. It’s all trying. The problems never end so there really is no such thing as completion. You just struggle valiantly against the pressures of the world, the insecurities of your mind, and the impending death of your body. Trying is living.

“The obstacle is the way” — Ryan Holiday.

Understand that some problems might never fully be remedied — like trying to be totally honest — but the attempt to solve it is where the rewarding experiences are waiting for you. Let go of getting to the “end” — be it retirement, endless guaranteed love, or total mastery — and instead look to solve the biggest problem of all:

How can you enjoy just being alive right now?

Trust me; this problem is difficult enough to keep you busy until the end of time.