Christmas Blues
By: Brianna Ruth Audrey
Tags: Christmas, Reflection, Youth, Covid

It is now 2.05 AM, 25th of December, 2020.

Instead of sleeping, I’m sprawled on a hotel’s carpeted floor writing this piece. Warning that this piece will make little to no sense as this is just me spewing up my thoughts about Christmas 2020. But either way, this is a piece that I conjured just because I feel like I have to write something, despite feeling nothing.

Truth be told, I’ve never been that much of a Christmas fan. I’ve always been much more appreciative towards Passover, particularly Good Fridays. Could it be that it’s just my fascination over tragedies that created this preference? Maybe. Christmas has always been dubbed as the ‘happy’ Christian holiday, and that everything has to be joyous, festive, and down-right good. Mind you; there is nothing wrong with happy occasions. Most of the events that we celebrate now are usually happy in theme, say New Years and Independence Days. I don’t really find myself comfortable surrounded by recycled Christmas songs that are generic and market-oriented.

Okay, that last statement made me sound very bitter and pretentious. But that is how I feel in all honesty. I don’t hate Christmas songs, per se. I quite enjoy them from time to time. But after browsing through my Christmas playlist, I’ve come to find that most of the songs that I enjoy are the ones that are styled sombre, simple, and emotional. I’ve come to find myself liking Bastille’s ‘Oh Holy Night’ version more than Hillsong’s, as well as Enya’s rendition of “O Come, O Come Emmanuel” rather than its original choral setting that is much quicker in tempo.

I realize that maybe it’s not just in the music department. It dawned on me that my favourite part of Christmas has always been the lighting of the candle ceremony — where everybody stands in the dark with their little candles, singing along to a slowed version of “Silent Night.” A very intimate and emotional scene that I wouldn’t trade in for anything; even with present swapping and whatnot. I love Christmas Eve more than Christmas itself, and I guess that comes to show that maybe I’m not a big fan of happy things.

Again, I do not want to sound pretentious. Everything written here is my purest and most honest thought.

Yet, regardless of how lonely this Christmas feels like, meaning a Christmas that I theoretically should like and yearn for… I end up hating it. This could be my internalized Christian speaking that sees Christmas as a family occasion, but I hate how desolated this Christmas is. I will celebrate Christmas with some of my family members tomorrow, so the verdict is actually still out on whether I am a fan of Christmas 2020. Yet, I’ve come to realize that I have little to no Christmas spirit at all. Usually, I get that wisp of Christmas spirit about 3 days before Christmas. Now… It’s literally Christmas, and I feel like getting noodles rather than reflecting about Jesus’ birth. I am supposed to read through the Gospel, and instead, I’m writing a piece for my medium that people might not even relate to.

I do not know who to blame my lack of spirit to, but I have some guesses. One is obviously COVID-19 and the global shut down of anything crowded. Long gone are the Christmas tendrils that I cringe over at malls and train stations. They might be tacky, but I guess I actually like them. In the nicest and most respectable way possible, those Christmas ornaments are the only Christian things that are allowed to be fully showcased in public. I guess that is why I have a soft spot for them. Christmas celebrations make me feel valued and respected.

I also, lowkey-ly, want to blame school. I have not started my exams at all, and as the anxious girl that I am, I can’t seem to stop thinking about them. Rather than thinking about what topics I should talk to my cousins about tomorrow, I end up trying to figure out what case study I should bring for the forthcoming paper. Rather than watching an old Harry Potter re-run on the hotel TV with my family, I end up fixing my daily planner and making sure I have time to finish all of my paper. I’m mad. How am I supposed to bask in the glory of Christmas when I can’t even seem to be present?

Of course, this reminds me of the time Jesus addressed Martha’s overworking culture. I know I have to channel my inner Mary right now and tell my Martha to sit her ass down and listen to whatever Christmas message God wants to say to me. But, as the Bible also said, the spirit is strong, but the flesh is weak (Matt 26:41).

With that being said, as of right now, I am stuck between this limbo on what exactly is my perfect Christmas. I want something dreary, melancholic, and intimate. But when given precisely that, I push it away and end up not even realizing it is already Christmas. Those happy Christmas trinkets do bring up morale and become the only physical proof of tolerance in Jakarta's cosmopolitan area. But, it reeks of traditional structures that force you to fake a smile during awkward family interactions, as well as promote all those ugly capitalistic grandioso. It’s as if Christmas has been devalued as just another holiday, rather than an essential milestone in the Christian liturgy.

However, maybe I shouldn’t fess up about this. After all, it is an essential milestone in the Christian liturgy; in the Christian faith. I should suck it up and try my best to listen to God’s word amid the world’s chaos; whatever message He wishes to send. And maybe, just maybe, Santa will send us a cure for the current pandemic, making sure that we celebrate Christmas in the flesh next year.