Is my life a waste?
By: Prachi Das
Tags: Rape, Healing, Trauma, Resilience, Holistic Health

Creating a great life from scratch at the age where other people are already living it

Actually don’t answer that question, even if you were going to say no

Let me introduce myself first :)

Trigger warning: Please read only if you’re comfortable with vulnerability and the words — rape, abuse, trauma, suicide

Hi, I am Prachi and I was raped in 2015, and according to the orthodox people around me (I’m talking friends and family too) my life ended the day I was raped and that I should have actually taken the step of suicide to make it truly so.

Today, I am a holistic health coach and a social entrepreneur helping other women, who have experienced rape, abuse and/or trauma, heal and find their purpose in life.

Full disclosure: I did try to end my life

Twice! In 2019. And I was going to attempt to do so again in March 2020 because I was so fed up of hearing how the rape was my fault, how I’m bringing shame to my family even by continuing to breath, and how my life is wasted and all my parents’ efforts and money to raise me, to educate me have been wasted, etc. I was raped by a “friend” so it’s supposed to be my fault (but it wouldn’t have been any different otherwise also) because I went to his place with him and, if you’re a guy in India and a girl is in your home, apparently you have the right to rape her (I’ve since then found out that this thinking exists across the world)

I was born to be bold and to express my truth and to live with my head held high.

But I was born in a culture with such orthodox views that I’ve been hearing from childhood things like “girls should not speak up”, “rape is a girl’s fault”, “hide your body” men must not be able to see even the contours of your body otherwise you’ll be raped, and even “girls who dress skimpily and girls who are bold must be raped”

And I could go on venting about all of this because I have heard many such quips in the past so many years, especially since I had the audacity to file a legal case and fight it on my own with no moral support and no financial support from anyone whatsoever.

But, instead, I would like to talk about what was going on inside me

I had multiple breakdowns, having to deal with all this, the harassment inside the courtroom and outside by my lawyers as well, and having to hide this aspect of my life from my employer and co-workers (even friends and relatives) while balancing work life and all this, while living alone

As I learned later on, my trauma responses were being used against me by the police, the lawyers as well as the judges, to retraumatize me and to help the perpetrator get away with his crimes and to deny me justice and my right to safety

And because at that time I didn’t know that those were trauma responses, I let them do that to me while I too beat myself up for being “dumb” (not able to think or respond or take action) and “a complete and total fool” among other things

I would think to myself that I’m so stupid, my education was a waste, the money my parents spent on my education could have educated so many other people, I’m taking up so much space in this world, and the food and water I consume would be better off nourishing somebody else,among many other self defeating and disempowering (especially victim blaming) thoughts

Biggest of all, I don’t deserve to live!

I was forbidden to but, in 2019, I decided to talk about the rape with some of my friends and social workers in my vicinity (most of those conversations were similar to what I’ve shared above) and I learned that almost every girl has been sexually abused or raped at some point of time in her life by a family member, friend, colleague, boyfriend, husband, and almost every woman feels ashamed of it and will never talk about it with another person ever.

Especially where I live, there are a lot of men who abuse financial and political power and the rampant corruption in the city to serially rape women and most of these women end up being murdered or taking their own lives. (The guy who raped me, along with members of his gang, also tried to murder me and my family when I reported him)

Most of the women who continue to live hide this aspect of their life and live an outward life of normalcy, being scared and untrusting of all men forever thereafter

It saddens my heart that all of us have been carrying this shame and guilt that continuously robs us of our spark, our creativity, our humanity, our femininity, and our divinity!

I desperately wanted to do something to make other women realize that but I was feeling helpless. All I had was my experience, and as one girl I reached out to said to me, I myself was a rape “victim”, how did I expect to help her or another?

And that helplessness was there because I was still coming from a place of “if I don’t help other women, my life is a waste”

My self esteem was tied to helping others, my life was worth living only if I gave and gave and never took. I never asked for help, I could not ask for help (even from God!) because, if you’re a woman and you ask for something, you’re needy, you’re greedy.

One of the privileges I’ve had, however, is that I sought therapy, no matter how much it cost, no matter how bad my expenses, and no matter how many incompetent therapists (who unintentionally were retraumatizing me because they don’t understand PTSD) I came across. I knew that I couldn’t continue to live with the guilt and shame, that would just be a hollow life. I had to reprogram my mind, my body, and my emotions. I had to learn to love and accept myself as I was (and I still have my days).

It’s easy to say to someone “Oh, just get over it” or “move on”, but trauma, especially sexual and experienced in childhood, impairs our recovery mechanism.

The other good thing that happened was that I had gotten hooked to embodiment practices, such as yoga and qigong.

The combination of therapy and yoga really helped me not only recover but also transform in the real sense and, within a matter of 2–3 months, I could look myself in the eye in the mirror and say with a powerful steady gaze that I want to live.

That’s how my journey of becoming a social entrepreneur started. I studied hypnotherapy, EMDR, Yoga, Chinese energy medicine, Reiki, and NLP, and got certified to start “living my life” (which was still a life of giving).

Counseling and coaching others helped me see further into myself and find places I needed more work in. My own therapist has been a really strong and constant support and motivator (and also a role model) through my healing journey and evolution.

I share this to let you know that I’m no super human. What I have conveyed here in these few words is a very small gist of both the trauma and the transformation I went through.

There was a time not so long ago, when, if you had told me soon I’ll be where I am today, I would have said something on the lines of “f off” (because I don’t swear) “that’s wishful thinking” and “impossible”.

But I’m here to tell you this is possible for you too. If I can do it, anyone can do it!

Today I don’t need to do anything to deserve to be alive

And I want to bring this experience to other women.

So I created the “Roadmap for Resilience & Growth from Trauma”, a free private Facebook group for women, which is a safe space for women who have been abused and/or raped, and help them:

o Process and integrate their trauma and shame

o Awaken once again to their intuition, spark, and true self

o Release the inner critic and learn to love themselves completely, without exceptions and expectations

o Release the need for external validation and codependency

o Not have to worry about trusting another ever again, because they trust themselves completely

If you’re one of us, I want you to know that

You are whole, you are not half of a relationship where you only give and never receive

Your wants and desires are justified

Your existence is justified

You don’t need to be nice, you need to be bold

You don’t need to be liked, you need to be accepted

You don’t need to do anything to deserve love, you already deserve to be loved but foremost by yourself

I want to hold space for all of you, a space where you can become the beautiful beings that you have buried deep inside your hearts, since time immemorial, strapped with shackles, and wrapped in bubble wrap, and surrounded by walls and reinforcements, never to see the light of day

Let me help you see the light of day

You deserve to live with your head held high

Did that make you cringe?

You’re not alone!

I’m building a community of women who want all these things and more. Even if right now it feels impossible and you feel undeserving. Especially if you feel that you do not deserve!

Let me introduce you to your greatness

And then you must introduce the world to it

Don’t deprive the world of it!