Too old to be in the Secret Service but applying anyway
By: Shamontiel L. Vaughn
Tags: Humor, Secret Service, Funny Story, Donald Trump, Election 2020

Too old to be in the Secret Service but applying anyway

My Secret Service agent cover letter — but only if I get to throw Trump out

Photo credit: Create Her Stock

To Whom It May Concern,

I have recently been informed by a reputable source (that Independent post with a quote from Andrew Bates, spokesman for the Joe Biden campaign) that the Secret Service would be in charge of escorting trespassers out of the White House — and that includes Donald Trump in 2021. I have also recently learned that you are currently hiring. For this reason, I am applying for the job. Although I do not fit all of the qualifications of what you’re looking for in this particular field, I assure you I would be outstanding at it.

First, I am definitely over the age of 20, as specified in the post. Unfortunately, I will be over the maximum age of 37 by the time you read this — OK, technically two years over the max age, but there’s no need to rub it in. However, you do say that veterans can receive a conditional offer of employment prior to reaching age 40 to continue in the application process. I, personally, feel like my birthday being on Veteran’s Day should count for something.

I don’t particularly mind getting the Lasik surgery you require, especially considering I just spent $264.58 on annual contact lenses. I’m also pretty tired of my glasses fogging up every single time I decide to wear glasses and have to put on my collection of face masks, courtesy of COVID-19.

My hearing is absolutely on point. I know this because of the ridiculous amount of times I run to the window anytime I think someone is running on the grass after I spent all summer figuring out Weed & Feed, keeping chrysanthemums and hostas alive, and watering grass seed. I’m not messing around with these birds and rabbits who keep eating all the grass seed either. That grass is going to grow back before the snow hits it, and that’s not up for negotiation.

I am 100 percent comfortable with your drug test. I have not smoked marijuana since college. As soon as I lost count of the number of times I smoked, I stopped. (Or, I forgot. Same difference.) I have also never been arrested for domestic violence nor have I physically hit a significant other at any point and time. However, I did beat the daylights out of my steering wheel one time with an ex in the passenger seat, but my car has since forgiven me and he jumped out of the car as soon as I got to a full stop. So my record is clean.

Although I’m not particularly crazy about firearms, I understand that comes with the job. And even though my father and brother thought it was the worst idea ever for my godfather to take me to a shooting range in Georgia, my target paper says I’m not too shabby — once my hands stop shaking and I finally figured out I should stop shooting the paper man in the neck. (Side note: Georgia and Pennsylvania, who’d’ve thunk it?)

Your 12 weeks of intensive training needs to get wrapped up before Inauguration Day. I will pay extra close attention if you are willing to negotiate in my terms that I get daily Sour Patch Kids, salt n’ vinegar chips and splashes of lemon juice in my water (to be all healthy). I am already in pretty good shape, considering social isolation has forced me to exercise to keep my nerves in check. (My body mass index is none of your concern.) For five out of seven days every week in 2020, I have done Kukuwa Fitness, Mr. Helio Faria, Tiffany Rothe Workouts and/or WERQ. I’m sure your training would require more strength training and muscles and blah blah blah, but my agility and rhythm goes undefeated.

I already have my bachelor’s degree — although there was that academic probation debacle. (I am a grad school dropout, but there was no sane reason for me to go to a private, Catholic school and change my major three times. If you saw my loan balance, you would understand why I need your LE-01 grade level starting salary at $63,970.)

I am aware that the first application cut-off was October 9, 2020, but you do state that you will continue to accept applications every Friday of each month until this job opportunity announcement closes. And I want in!

However, if for some reason Amy Coney Barrett and the other five Supreme Court conservatives manage to screw up the Constitution and appease Trump’s toddler tantrums, my terms are uncertain. I only am applying for this job if I can help kick him out. I have been informed by Vanity Fair that he may barricade himself in the Oval Office. I would like my Secret Service training to focus on every possible legal option I can use to physically get him out — without going to jail. (I prefer my own bathroom, thank you.)

If the GOP — specifically Mitch McConnell (Kentucky, what is your problem?) — manages to figure out how to keep him in the White House for another four years, consider this cover letter and application a figment of your imagination. I will no longer be interested if I cannot help kick Trump out. (Do you know how awful you have to be at your job for church bells to ring in Paris and Munich and for fireworks to go off in London and Edinburgh — because you lost?) After Inauguration Day, I will need immediate vacation days anytime Joe Biden and Kamala Harris invite any political friends from 2008 to 2016 over — y’know who I’m talking about. Other than that, my schedule is flexible.

Thank you for your consideration,

Shamontiel L. Vaughn