5 Pillars for a Scandal Free Life
By: Donald William
Tags: Masculinity, Mentorship, Christian, Faith, Christianity

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Faith and Masculinity

5 Pillars for a Scandal Free Life

Carl Lentz is filling my google feed. Lentz, the former high profile pastor of Hillsong NY, is the latest minister involved in a heartbreaking scandal. Day after day new articles are written with details of the celebrity pastor and his affair. I am not a man who will sit and judge. The Christian army has been one too willing to shoot their wounded. I am neither a man who will excuse what Lentz did. Shepherding the church is among the highest honors of life in my opinion. Who I am, is a man willing to take a deep look at things as they appear and try to learn the best he can. We learn from our heroes in the faith so that we might not stumble as they have.

I recently spoke with a brother of mine who is as passionate about ministry and family as I am. We read how Lentz spoke of “leading from an empty place”. My buddy noted that he probably wasn’t keeping “his well full”, so to speak. The “well” is the deep place in a man’s soul that he lives from. It is a center of strength, having been cultivated within community and the Lord.

I’m not claiming I understand the root issues leading to Lentz doing what he did. But I do have a grasp on how a mans heart works. I will tell you right now that if each of these areas was alive and well within Lentzs’ life then we wouldn’t be reading about him today as we are.

These are 5 pillars to stabilize you for the legacy God is wanting to create through your life.

1. Vulnerability

There is freedom that will only be known when you let others in. This looks like you and a few other men you trust with your life, meeting together and opening up your hearts. The good, bad and ugly. The areas you’ve held in shame for years and the dreams you’ve never shared. This is intimacy. Intimacy was once explained to me as into-me-you-see. Intimacy is not limited to sexuality but the very core of who you are in your heart of hearts.

Most men are terrified by vulnerability. They learned that letting others see into them might expose them as frauds; afraid they will be ruined if others see what’s actually inside. Let me ask you this. When a cancer is discovered do you pretend it isn’t there? Or do you seek healing? Shame is the cancer of your heart. If you don’t open up to others, you are left with 2 options.

1. Your heart will die.

2. You will medicate with drugs, alcohol, or the beauty across the way. A beauty promising to give you something she doesn’t have to give: the affirmation of your heart from a Father that loves you.

You were created for connection. There isn’t connection or healing without vulnerability.

Reveal your heart. Cry. Be healed.

2. Family Over Work

The atmosphere of the Kingdom of God is family. God’s final revelation of himself is “Father”. A father longing to love His sons. A father longing to love you.

Where are you pouring out the most? Are you pouring out all that you are at your job? Are you giving your last drop to ministry? Or is the core of who you are given to your wife, your children, the family who raised you? The day you give more to ministry, your job, your hobby is the day the scales tip against you. Your balance is off. And it will only be a matter of time before it falls.

At the end of your life no one is going to commend you for all that you gave to the company. No one is going to remark about the days you invested into your favorite sports team. But many will note the man who gave his best to his family and left behind a legacy. Something for his children to build off of to go further than you could have.

If you chose her to be your wife. Then continue to choose her daily by being the husband who pours himself out to serve her, like Christ did the church. This is your Fathers model of a righteous life. You are meant to be a son resting in the love of Jesus and serving his family selflessly. This before all else.

Sit down with the Lord and a journal. Take stock of where your time and energy are going. Is there balance? Is this the life you were meant to live?

3. People Who Will Kick Your Butt

Faithful are the wounds of a friend. You need men better than you in your life. If you are the best man you know then you are probably already lost. But God is a Father that finds us and meets us where we are at. Similar to finding your brothers, find the mentors or fathers in your life. Humble yourself to those who have walked this life longer than you and understand the journey well. Submit to their guidance and love. Let them speak into your life. Trust their words even when they break your heart.

I have had others speak into my life and have devastated me. Looking back, I see that they were right and I was too prideful to admit it. Their investment and love for you will give you an outside perspective necessary to make the healthy choices. Truth doesn’t always feel good. But like when the doctor has to re-break a bone to set it for proper healing, we need those to break our pride so that we can become whole men again.

4. Fun

When was the last time you had fun? What about adventure? When was the last time your adrenaline spiked and you laughed out of excitement? Many men are bored. The daily grind has made them dull. Fun has been overlooked as a luxury easily sacrificed for the more “important” things like work. Don’t get me wrong, if you don’t have a job then you need guidance for personal responsibility or a better resume. (Contact me and I’ll help you write one.)

What I’m talking about is prioritizing the health of your soul. I have heard it said that one of the reasons men have affairs is for the sense of adventure. Infidelity isn’t so cut and dry but lack of adventure does play a role. You need to put fun back on the list of necessities.

Take time this week to make a list of 3 small things to have fun this week. Maybe call up a buddy and go for a small afternoon road trip. Pick up that hobby you left in the garage. Join the guys for a pickup game at the local gym.

Also, make plans for something big. Something you can look forward to. A surprise getaway with the wife. That hunting trip with your dad. Rent some sport cars from the local car rental place and race the backroads with your friends. Just don’t reach out to me if you get that ticket…

5. Living in Grace

The grace of God is undeserved. Grace is blessing and favor overwhelming the heart by His goodness. The only response a man can truly have to this is thankfulness. There was nothing we could do to earn it and nothing we can do to lose it. This is loving kindness from a good God. However, many of us haven’t learned what it is to rest in grace. We live by performance.

Somewhere in our hearts we believe the shame we carry disqualifies us. We don’t believe God truly forgave us. We believe it would be easier to earn from God based on our good works rather than trust that He loves us completely as we are. We think if we serve the church we will deserve His blessing. If we pray and read the bible enough we will become more spiritual. If we live perfectly moral in every way God will approve of us.

Now, I’m not saying these are bad things. They are good! But it’s about your heart. If you are doing the above to earn God’s love then you will burn out and become bitter. But if you realize that He loves you perfectly already because of what the cross completed for you, then doing the above will come from a place of rest.

Living in grace is living in thankfulness. Thankfulness that you didn’t do anything to earn your Fathers approval. He gave it to you because He loves and that’s it. Maybe it’s time you set aside your pride and choose to receive your Fathers grace in your life. Maybe it’s time to simply say “thanks dad”.

Final Thoughts

It’s always heartbreaking seeing a pastor fall. Let alone a scandal being broadcasted across the internet. Structures don’t fall in a day. But if foundations aren’t strong and taken care of regularly, we will see more of what we’ve seen with Pastor Lentz.

I’ll be honest with you. I don’t believe Carl Lentz loved the woman he had an affair with. Carl was still a hurt kid that needed a hug from his loving Father. It’s only the affirmation of a loving father that keeps the heart healthy. Carl was a man living the life of a celebrity pastor, shining in the limelight cast by a world eager to worship form over creator. The Israelites wanted a man to be king instead of God. In 2020 it’s clear many of us still do. We don’t know how good of a king Jesus is so we try to crown the man that best fits our current ideals.

There is restoration for Lentz. Grace knows no bounds. The cross already paid for his healing. God is simply waiting for Lentz to discover it back in His arms. As for you, don’t be a man who leads out of an empty place. Be the man grounded in love from community and God. A man not needing restoration as much as a man restoring his fallen brothers. You will be the man having built the home for your prodigal brothers to come home to and find rest.