How to Deal With Professional Envy
By: Kai Wong
Tags: Jobs, Psychology, Emotions, Work, Careers

How to Deal With Professional Envy

What to do when you’re surrounded by professional rockstars

Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Unsplash

I had to take a long lunch break this week. Why?

Because I experienced a long-overdue bout of professional envy upon hearing good news.

In the same week, 3 of my former peers accepted positions at the top Silicon Valley companies. Another became one of the youngest directors of a department.

Not to mention that my sibling was invited to speak at MIT.

I felt surrounded by high achievers who weren’t affected at all by the recession, the pandemic, or any of these factors.

But I was. Some of my projects and opportunities had vanished with the pandemic, while others had just not gone my way.

So that long lunch break was me wallowing in jealousy, but only for a short while.

When I realized that I was probably long-overdue for a bout of jealousy, as well as why I was jealous, the feeling quickly faded.

Here’s how I did it.

My background, and why jealousy was inevitable

To give a little background, my extended family is in healthcare. From eye doctors to radiation oncologists, my family covers the range of most things medical.

I’m not a healthcare worker, though: I attended grad school for UX, where I learned of the ‘dream’ of wanting to work at the top tech companies.

People would compete for prestigious Google internships, where getting one meant you would be the envy of your peers.

But I decided to take a different path than that as well. Which meant that I got to watch on the sidelines as each side got their accolades.

For the past few months, my extended family has been heroes. Companies have flown banners, communities have thanked them, and some of them received invitations to speak at some of the most prestigious conferences and universities.

While all of my tech peers seem to have landed favorable positions at Silicon Valley companies.

Which brought out those two words: “If only…”

“If only I had followed my family’s footsteps, I’d be considered a hero.”

Or

“If only I stuck it out, I’d be among brilliant minds in Silicon Valley.”

But I didn’t realize the depths of my envy until I finally completed that sentence.

“If only I did this, I might be doing that…instead of what I’m doing now.”

And from there, I started to deconstruct the envy reflex.

What exactly is envy?

According to research, envy is made up of two parts.

One part is about learning about the results of actions you didn’t take, by seeing other people accomplish them.

The other part is a measure of one’s ranking on a social scale.

Which part affects you more helps you pinpoint exactly what your starting point should be.

For example, if you didn’t take night courses/additional education and you end up getting passed over for a promotion solely because your peer did, then you’re envious because of the first part.

However, my actions were likely what was best for me.

Despite my passion for healthcare, I don’t think I had the mindset to be a doctor.

Likewise, even though it seems like it would be prestigious, I don’t think I would want to work for FAANG companies.

So then, it was because of the second part. The part that you’re not supposed to admit in polite society.

If I were to be ranked on a social scale next to them, I’d be lower. They had the fancy job titles, probably earned more, and were forming relationships with some of the top companies in the world.

And me? I had a complex about appearing mediocre.

You might think these concerns about status are frivolous, but they affect us more than we realize.

A study showed managers were more likely to spend 40% more resources on the same idea if given from an external rival (i.e. different companies) than internal rivals (i.e. other managers).

The primary reason was that they were concerned about a loss in status they would receive from having to learn from someone else.

But it was from this mindset of social status that I realized that I was acting irrationally: the simple fact of the matter was that I hadn’t taken into account all of the circumstances that each person was facing.

Everyone is a package deal

You can’t mix and match attributes from different people: you have to take the whole picture.

That’s the advice that Tom Shillue gives whenever he’s tempted to compare himself to other comedians.

“You can’t say ‘I want Louis CK’s fame and money, Jay Leno’s car collection, and Tom Shillue’s wife and kids. That person doesn’t exist!”

And it’s advice that I needed to hear. Because while they might have gotten results that one might envy, they also had to deal with different circumstances.

One of my former colleagues is a US Naturalized citizen who was born in Iraq and fled during the war.

He spent more time in graduate school to get a Ph.D., and spoke openly of getting rejected 50 times before finally landing a job.

To be envious of his success, without taking into consideration the struggles he’s had to deal with, is dismissive of him entirely.

It’s hard, in the age of social media, to view the entire picture instead of just success. But there are two foolproof methods for addressing these feelings of envy: keep learning and focus on yourself.

Addressing the present, through past and future

Let’s go back to where I identified what was bothering me.

“If only I did this, I might be doing that…instead of what I’m doing now.”

I can’t change my past decisions: I can only change what I’m doing now. But revisiting the past and looking towards the future are two methods of dealing with envy.

In terms of looking at the past:

Visually mapping out how your present self compares with your past self is one of showing how much you’ve grown.

For example, if you’re measuring yourself by sales, mapping out your past sales figures might show that you have an annual growth of 5–10%. This oftentimes is enough to stop envy in its tracks.

In terms of looking towards the future:

If you were passed over for a promotion because your rival took an action (such as online courses), then make a promise to take actions now that will make you more attractive in the future.

One of the easiest things to do for professional envy is to simply take on more responsibilities at work.

Other things include learning skills or taking courses at this time is a way of future-proofing yourself and ensuring that this doesn’t happen in the future.

Envy can be a bitter medicine

Listen, I know I make it sound like it was easy to overcome. But I still had to take a long lunch break to sort out my emotions.

But by walking through the reasons why you feel envious, you can come up with an action plan.

And in the long run, you can stop one of the most disastrous outcomes for envy: you can make sure that you’re not letting envy get in the way of future opportunities.