How To Be a Strong Black Woman When You’re Highly Sensitive
By: Gg Renee Hill
Tags: Self Care, Personal Growth, Identity, Race, Life Lessons

How To Be a Strong Black Woman When You’re Highly Sensitive

Redefining strength through the power of self-care

Photo by Jessica Felicio on Unsplash

I don’t fit the stereotype of a Strong Black Woman. This bothered me for a long time, despite my mixed feelings about the term. While being a Black woman has always made me feel strong, the expectations that come with the Strong Black Woman ideal are limiting and strip us of our ability to define strength for ourselves.

We’re going through a transformational time in the world and life is requiring us to evolve into higher versions of ourselves. During this season where there is so much fear and uncertainty, I’ve been waking up each day asking myself:

How can I serve? What does it mean to me, as a Black woman, to be strong and thrive in this evolving world? And as a highly sensitive Black woman, how do I serve without sacrificing my mental health in the process?

One size does not fit all.

Around this time three years ago, it was difficult for me to process the turbulence in the rest of the world when I could hardly face what was happening in my own life. I’d been struggling with anxiety and depression, my dad had just passed away, and I wanted nothing more than to self-isolate, retreat from the chaos, and protect myself from more pain and loss. It was 2017 and I didn’t feel safe in my skin, my mind, or my country. Everything seemed to be spiraling.

I didn’t have an intentional self-care practice at the time. I knew how to pamper my body and turn off my phone to escape the world for a bit, but those things did nothing for the chronic stress and overwhelm that I was suffering from daily. Between family and friends, work, and community responsibilities, I poured from an empty cup, believing that I didn’t have time for refills and that I shouldn’t need them. I knew other women with much more on their plates who seemed to be fine, so why couldn’t I keep up?

Dr. Seanna Leath, Assistant Professor of Community Psychology at the University of Virginia, researches issues related to the holistic development of Black girls and women. She states that “Too often, Black women struggle with expectations and responsibilities that lead them to neglect their own health and wellbeing. There is little discussion about the particular challenges Black women face, and still less done to help them meet those challenges.”

Too often we try to take on these expectations and responsibilities by squeezing ourselves into a one-size-fits-all mold called being a Strong Black Woman.

Some of us who try to fit this mold are highly sensitive and not aware of what that means or how it influences our mental and emotional well-being. Everyone experiences overwhelm and needs to set boundaries, but knowing our individual needs is what truly strengthens us. As a highly sensitive Black woman, I’ve learned that this quality needs to be considered in my unique approach to self-care and how I serve my family and community.

What does it mean to be a highly sensitive person (HSP)?

An HSP is someone who feels things intensely and processes information more deeply than others. In her book, The Highly Sensitive Person: How To Thrive When The World Overwhelms You, Dr. Elaine Aron states that 15 to 20 percent of the population are HSPs. She says, “The highly sensitive person has a sensitive nervous system, is aware of subtleties in his/her surroundings and is more easily overwhelmed when in a highly stimulating environment. But the key quality is that, compared to the 80% without the trait, they process everything around them much more — reflect on it, elaborate on it, make associations.”

Some highly sensitive people are also empathic, which means you actually sense and feel the emotions of others as if they’re part of your own inner experience. When you’re empathic, you don’t just feel for someone, you feel their feelings with them. You may find it hard to witness someone’s pain without suffering some level of pain yourself.

I didn’t talk about these strange “abilities” when I was a kid, but I wholeheartedly believed that I had the power to help others by hurting along with them. I’d sit on the floor at the feet of my grandmother and watch the news, collecting bits and pieces of sad stories, disasters and disturbing images. I’d spend time with the fear, pain, and loss of each tragedy; it was a duty I couldn’t control.

I began to believe I had some kind of mental or emotional disorder. I was convinced that my sensitivity not only made me abnormal, but it also made me too soft to be part of the Strong Black Woman legacy.

There’s pressure to look unbreakable.

According to Dr. Leath, “…the ‘Strong Black Woman’ stereotype is a cultural ideal and psychological coping mechanism. Black women are required to respond to life’s hardships by portraying strength and concealing trauma. My conversations with Black college women highlight that even as they were praised for taking care of siblings, helping around the house, and excelling academically, their emotional displays of vulnerability, anger, and sadness were often met with resistance from family members.”

As a child prone to the emotional displays that Dr. Leath mentioned, I expected to get tougher one day. I thought it was my birthright. To grow into the Strong Black Woman I was destined to be, I’d have to develop thick skin and a sharp tongue. I’d have to swallow my tears and have a high tolerance for pain.

When that didn’t happen, I created a false identity based on how I believed a Strong Black Woman should behave: We don’t have the luxury of being emotional. We have to stay sharp and stretch ourselves to our limits to survive. We can show no signs of weakness because our men, children, and communities need us to be strong. We dig deep, set aside our pain, and hold up the light.

By putting this pressure on myself to look unbreakable, I struggled with my identity as a highly sensitive Black woman. I resented my need for solitude. I resented my aversion to conflict. I condemned my fear of protests, political unrest, and violence. I questioned myself for not being more socially available and generous with my time. I was embarrassed about needing so many boundaries. I was embarrassed about having to build my life around self-care. I was afraid of not being black enough or strong enough to be considered a Strong Black Woman.

But most of all, I felt a deep dissatisfaction with myself for being so resistant to my needs and who I really am. It’s no wonder: Anytime you are not living your truth, you are inviting emotional distress.

After my dad died, I set my mind on being my own parent and learning to care for myself consciously. My healing process has shown me that long-term resilience does not come from the denial and suppression of our needs but from tapping into who we truly are, and the best way to do that is through the power of self-care.

Redefine strength through self-care.

In order to face what is happening in the world and remain calm, focused and helpful, we must look within ourselves to discover our individual strengths as Black women. We must observe the ways in which our context has evolved, and consider that certain measures our elders took to survive don’t necessarily translate into life-affirming practices for us. To leverage our diversity of thought, temperament, and talent, we must learn to value our sensitivity and harness it like the superpower that it is.

One of the biggest hurdles for Black women, particularly those who are highly sensitive, is putting ourselves first when we’ve built up a sense of worth through self-sacrifice and martyrdom. When you think it’s your duty to bear the weight of the world on your back, self-care seems like a luxury not meant for you.

In Lessons in Living, Susan L. Taylor said “When we fail to nurture ourselves, our joy is depleted and our capacity to serve is diminished. Giving from an empty vessel causes stress, anger, and resentment, seeds that sow disorder and disease. Attempting to meet the demands of the world without first attending to our own needs is an act of self-betrayal that can cause us to lose respect for our value and worth. It’s not enough to be kind: We must learn to be kind and wise.”

Before we can offer our best, we need to realize two things. First, self-care is not an escape from the problems and challenges of life — it’s the solution. Second, the strength that we need to serve our families and communities comes from self-care.

We have different callings.

Self-care is a lifestyle of healing and replenishment that keeps us rooted in wellness, restoring our emotional reserves each day. For me, self-care includes taking daily walks, meditating, journaling, carving out plenty of time for solitude, and living a quiet yet fully expressed life.

When I was not taking care of myself and I was unwell, I didn’t have the clarity to know how to exist, let alone how to serve others. I’m in a different place now and I understand that we don’t just heal for ourselves, we heal so we can show up in the world as our whole selves and add value. We all have different callings. We’re not all meant to be on the front lines of the pandemic. We’re not all meant to lead protests against racism. But we all need to discover self-care strategies that empower us, so we can use our gifts to serve the world in our own way.

2020 will go down as a historical year. Here in the United States, we don’t know what the country will look like in the months and years to come. In any case, we as Black women have a responsibility to pass down empowering narratives and healthy practices to future generations.

So how does a sensitive Black woman take care of herself and stay strong in this environment?

She doesn’t get lost in roles, expectations, and labels. She recognizes her sensitivity as a gift. She learns how to protect her energy and harness her power. By serving in ways that honor her true nature, she honors her ancestors and plants seeds for her descendants. She practices radical self-care because she knows that healthy habits replenish her spirit. With that energy, she can show up for the world with strength, authenticity, and impact.