You’re Not Doomed To Be Anxious Forever
By: Jessica A
Tags: Self, Anxiety, Self Love, This Happened To Me, Anxiety Treatment

Baby step #1: finding our way home.

It occurred to me this morning as I sipped my coffee, that when we work to become less anxious it’s not really about trying to improve ourselves. We don’t need to change; who we are without debilitating anxiety is who we were meant to be, so really we’re just trying to find our way home.

A quick and effective way to start finding your way back to yourself is to simply write out a statement you’d like to be true but perhaps don’t believe yet. I write “I’m a calm, grounded person.” in my planner at the beginning of every week. And while I feel faintly ridiculous doing it, I’m slowly creating new neural pathways—and gradually, I’m believing it’s true.

When I have more time, I use this video from psychologist Nicole La Perla, which provides a more detailed framework for future-self journaling, including prompts. As La Perla explains, “every time you’re sitting there with your journal and imagining your future self…you’re firing new neurons, making new connections… the brain does not know the difference between what is real and what is imagined.”

Baby step #2: Focusing on what we can let go of.

A key reason for my anxiety has been focussing on what I don’t yet have or what I need to achieve. I get so caught up in that it’s easy to forget that actually, my default state is to be happy and content. Sometimes, what I actually need to is remove things from my life making me anxious.

Recently, for example, I transitioned from caffeinated to decaffeinated coffee. It was a change I had a lot of resistance to. What even is the point of decaf? I thought. I drink coffee to wake up, don’t I? What if it tastes weird? But sometimes we need to reframe our fears. “What if”, I flipped my thinking on its head, “Swapping to decaf made me significantly less anxious?” And it has.

I now very rarely suffer a racing heart, I feel better able to cope with stress and I still get to enjoy the ritual of brewing coffee and inhaling its earthy scent every day.

Of course, what’s worsening our anxiety could require bigger changes.

I went freelance mostly because I was suffering insomnia and the effects of a painful bladder condition. Trying to juggle these issues in an inflexible working environment wasn’t doing me any favours. I made the change, and knowing I could work on my own terms immediately lessened my anxiety. Interestingly, my bladder condition feels more manageable and I’ve not suffered insomnia since.

If big changes feel intimidating, start small, with something like reducing visual clutter in your home or giving up the pastry that gives you a sugar-crash every morning. You’ll like the feeling of calm that results, and over time will gain the confidence to let go of other anxiety-inducing elements of your life.

The important part of this step is to just keep asking yourself “What could I let go of to make life more peaceful?”

Baby step #3: honouring our intuition about what you specifically need.

There are a lot of assumptions out there about what will “fix” your anxiety, but this advice doesn’t account for our unique personalities and situations.

When we learn to listen to ourselves and honour what we need at that moment, anxiety diminishes. Do you really need to take that call from your mum today or do you need to disconnect? Do you feel like being alone or is spending time with someone exactly what you need?

We also should be careful about feeling pressured to persevere with anxiety-relieving techniques just because they work for someone else.

On others’ advice, I’ve tried silent mediation, guided meditation, structured meditation, yoga, nervous-system resets, deep breathing techniques and an acupressure matt to varying degrees of success.

Silent meditation made me more anxious; I love yoga but if I’m restless I can’t focus, and deep breathing makes me panic I’ve forgotten how to inhale. But there are two things that do work for me without fail. I find a structured meditation devised by therapist Tara Brach effective because it uses 4 simple steps to guide you through difficult emotions, help you to uncover why you might be feeling the way you do and encourage you to provide your own emotional support. I also find listening to guided meditations whilst lying on my acupressure matt good for clearing my head.

But what works for me may not work for you, and no way of dealing with your anxiety is better than any other. Experiment, and embrace the techniques that make you feel better. There is no right way to tackle anxiety.

Baby step #4: accepting you can’t predict the future.

I always turn to mindfulness expert Noah Elkrief (and in particular this video explaining why we worry and how we can reframe our thoughts for anxiety relief) when I’m fretting over the future.

Elkrief’s philosophy centres around the idea that while what we think we want is specific things — a promotion at work, a bigger house, to get married — what we really want, deep down, is just to feel at peace. Elkrief asks us to consider whether we really always know what’s good or bad for our lives and that whatever happens, we have some control over the story we tell ourselves.

This helps in particular with anxiety because it allows us to let go of those disturbing thoughts like “It would be awful if I didn’t get this job” or “The worst thing that could ever happen to me would be never getting married”. The truth is, we simply don’t know either what the future holds or what path would bring the most joy.