Being a Dad: A 3am guide to figuring things out — Part 2
By: Ben Davis
Tags: Baby, Dad, Birth, Guides And Tutorials, Parenting Advice

Before and during the Birth

For those wondering where Part 1 is, I haven’t finished writing it. The fact is I had more content for the 2nd, 3rd and 4th parts.

As a person who leaves things to the last minute and then wings it, it made sense to focus on what can be done in the few days leading up to and during the birth.

Perhaps you could call this a “Oh shit this is really happening!” Guide.

This article is not just for future dads, anyone who is planning on being a birthing partner should find something useful.

Also bear in mind that this will be more UK-centric (as I’m English), but hopefully the advice is relatively universal. Where possible, my Wife has also added comments, backing-up my advice (hopefully).

Before we get started, I have to point out that I’m not a Doctor or a Midwife. What I’m about to discuss is not medical advice, although it was passed on to me from Midwives, Doctors, books, The UK NHS site, and NCT articles. I am also describing an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth. Pregnant women with underlying conditions and other risks will need to take other steps.

Also, each country follows their own medical practices. Always err on the side of caution. Consult with whatever qualified medical resources you have available, particularly whenever you feel that something isn’t right.

Before the birth

Back in Part 1 (which is still in Draft), among many other things, I discussed options regarding where your partner wants to give birth: Home, a birthing centre or a Hospital .

Regardless of your choice, even if it’s a home birth, here are some things that are useful around this exciting time.

When the due date nears, don’t be stupid like I was, get an early night at every opportunity. My Wife’s contractions started at 3am and I went to bed at 1am. I then had the knowledge that it was my last opportunity for a decent sleep, probably for years.

Pack like you are preparing for a long weekend away. If you’re lucky, the hospital or birthing centre will have a bed large enough for the both of you. In most cases, you’ll need to take a camping bed (and a pillow). Take nightwear as well — whilst you might sleep naked, it’s unlikely there will be much privacy and staff won’t appreciate it either.

Once there, assume there will be no food or entertainment. Take plenty of tasty snacks (particularly for your partner). Bottles of water and sugary drinks. Powerpack and cables for your phones and laptops. Obviously take plenty of baby related paraphernalia (at the very least, essentials: Nappies, outfits, wipes, creams etc.) Your partner will have their own additional sanitary wear specifically for after birth. A good tip is to pack bags according to the different stages. This avoids rummaging around in a giant suit-case when your partner really needs that chocolate before the next contraction starts.

My Wife’s comments:

Post-partum, whichever way you gave birth, there will be bleeding. A lot. So make sure you pack a few packs of maternity pads. Make sure they are maternity pads and not the regular period pads as the maternity ones are made differently to be much more breathable. And with that, make sure to pack large, comfortable underwear. Everything will be swollen and sore so you won’t be able to wear your regular underwear. Plus the maternity pads are quite bulky so will need space. Make sure that your partner is the one that packs the bags. Especially the “during birth” bag. They will need to know where everything is located, as they will be the ones finding and giving you stuff. You won’t be in any condition to rummage through anything.

For birthing centres and some hospitals they allow you to bring additional things from home: a Bluetooth speaker, electric candles, certain aromatherapy oils and dispersers. I even knew someone to bring their favourite painting. Keeping your partner calm and relaxed is extremely important, potentially the most important. Therefore, it’s your responsibility to make the hospital room as homely as possible.

My Wife’s comments:

This is good advice, but due to the nature of our birth, this didn’t apply to us much in the end. Because I came to the birthing centre and went straight into final stages of labour we didn’t really spend that much time pre-birth hanging out in the hospital. But I think knowing that we had those things was important for my own feeling of safety and calmness.

Map out the journey, do a dry run. Some hospitals have different entrances after hours. Figure out how parking is during the busiest part of the day. The last thing you need is being stuck queuing, as it will only increase your partner’s stress levels.

Both of you should think about creating a Birth Plan, it informs the doctor or Midwife how you want the birth handled. This can be very useful as in the heat of the moment it’s easy to forget your choices, and your partner may not be in a fit state later on to object (so make sure you know their wishes). In most cases Doctors can’t do anything against your wishes, but will advise you on what they think is best for Baby and Mum.

My Wife’s comments: It is very important to go through and write your birth plan together. Your birthing partner should know your preferences for the birth but also, you should talk about how you want things handled if things don’t go according to plan. This is probably an even more important part if this as your partner might end up making decision for all three of you in case you are under general anaesthesia.

For those with a planned c-section, you can skip most of the below. However, as the baby decides when it arrives, probably best to have a read anyway.

My Wife’s comments: It also might happen that you do have a planned c-section but the baby decides to come early and then you will have to deal with contractions and the birth process even if you do end up having a c-section later in the hospital.

When the contractions start (and they are regularly spaced with short intervals), ring the midwife/hospital and answer their questions. Don’t be tempted to set-off straight away (unless advised to do so. Ring again if circumstances change). For the first baby, it will likely be hours before ‘active labour’ starts. Go for a walk, have your partner take a bath, watch a movie. If it’s the middle of the night, try to get some sleep as difficult as that sounds.

My Wife’s comments: If your water breaks you have to call your midwives, even if there are no contractions. Once the waters have broken there can be a risk of infection so they will want to monitor you more closely. I got told-off by my midwife for not calling them straight away when my waters broke.

Eat carbs like pasta — carbs slowly release energy, and you will need plenty of that soon.

Useful items (to buy in advance):

TENS machine

Pre-labour can be a long process — hours to days. Having a natural way to take the edge-off is essential. These machines are easy to use, have various adjustable power levels (and some have boost buttons). Unless your partner is having a water birth, The TENS can remain on during the birth.

Practice using the machine long before the contractions start. In the UK, it’s possible to rent them short-term.

My wife found the TENS particularly useful when paired with:

An Exercise ball and Yoga breathing

Don’t be tempted to allow your partner to yell or scream. Focus breathing is far more effective. Remember that stress and fear will delay the next stage of labour, causing more stress (it’s a nasty feedback loop).

My Wife’s comments: I actually did it a bit wrong myself. Being into yoga and meditation I thought it would be a great idea to chant OM during contractions. As I would discover later in the birth centre, actual breathing in and out was much more effective. My midwife was great at helping me do my breathing right and helped me massively with that.

Massaging your partner can help them relax.

During the contractions, don’t ask your partner stupid questions, particular “Does it hurt?” Assume it does.

Never use the word “Pain”.

My Wife’s comments: So this is a hypnobirthing technique but is actually just common sense. If I tell you not to think about a pink elephant, all you are going to do is think about a pink elephant. Same here, if you mention the word pain then it will make your partner focus on the pain. So instead ask about how comfortable your partner is or something similar.

They’ll be concentrating hard and likely won’t have the capacity to answer, or be angry that you don’t know what you should be doing.

Help them with breath control. Every contraction on average lasts between 30–120 seconds, but the surge increases, peaks, and then ebbs away. Between the contractions, things go back to normal. Ask if they are comfortable and what can you do to make them more comfortable.

Talk positively: tell them that they are safe, that you love them and they are amazing. Remind them that this is natural, that every contraction is one they’ll never have to have again, and one closer to meeting your baby.

My Wife’s comments: At one point Ben told me that I was a goddess and that I was powerful and it was the most amazing thing that gave me so much strength. But this is very private thing between us, as this is something we said in our life before birth. So make sure you use words that your partner would particularly appreciate, that particularly give them a boost. They do appreciate it.

There are plenty of apps for tracking contractions with some advising when “Active Labour” has started.

Once you’ve both decided that your should leave for hospital, be prepared for the contractions to slow down. Don’t worry it’s a common thing.

Also don’t be annoyed that when your arrive, the Midwife or Doctor tells you that your partner isn’t dilated enough yet.

My Wife’s comments: We had that happen to us. The first time we arrived at the hospital I was only 2cm dilated. They admit from 4cm. It was a little disheartening as I have had contractions for about 8 hours by then, even though they weren’t that strong for the first 6. But this being my first birth I didn’t know how intense the contractions would get so it was a bit difficult to judge.

At the hospital or birthing centre

Take the essentials with you as once the Midwife or Doctor has agreed that now is the time, you may not get a chance to retrieve anything else from the car.

My Wife’s comments: That was the case for us. As between our first visit and the second visit I went from 2cm to 8cm and pretty much went straight into the pool and into the final stage of the labour.

This is where your role as a birthing helper is really vital. You are there to make sure that the needs of your partner are met. This means knowing your Birth Plan. Making the room as comfortable as possible.

If your partner is calm (and is in agreement), dim the lights, close the curtains, adjust the room temperature, place the items from home.

My Wife’s comments: I’ll be honest, because I was already in such an advanced stage of the labour I didn’t really pay attention to anything at that stage but the breathing. However, this isn’t the case for most first-time mums as the labour can progress quite slowly. So you should definitely still do it as it does make a difference.

Get out the food and water (and have it within reach of the bed, birthing pool or bath). Perhaps turn on some music you both love.

My Wife’s comments: Ben was brilliant with that. In the time between contractions I could ask for anything and it was right there, within his reach, so I would just get it. I also would think about getting a water bottle that can keep the water cold for a while. I felt really hot during labour, especially towards the end, and being able to drink cold water was incredible.

Your pregnant partner will likely feel vulnerable and on display. You are totally within your rights to ask unnecessary people to leave the room (this could be medical students, even family members and friends). In rare cases, your partner might not get on with the Midwife. You have the option to ask for someone else (but obviously do it politely).

My Wife’s comments: We were very lucky as my birth was very straightforward, so it was only me Ben and the midwife in the room. I thought my midwife was incredible and I was able to relax and just get on with the process, without worrying how I look or sound.

For C-Sections, expect a very large number of people in the room with you. This is normal.

As Labour progresses, the position in which your pregnant partner may wish to be in, can change. Most progressive hospitals and medical practitioners will allow this and provide different options. A baby monitor, intravenously-fed drugs and certain pain relief will restrict mobility somewhat. However, Gas and air was very effective for my wife and was easy to administer.

My Wife’s comments: My hypnobirthing classes suggested to think of UFO when going for birthing positions — Upright, Forward (i.e. not leaning back), Open (i.e. legs to be open rather than closed). This helps keep the pelvis open and the gravity helps bring the baby down. Even if your mobility is restricted work with your midwives to find a position that works for you and them. Most are accommodating.

When scouting out potential places, find out how they deliver babies. In rare cases, women are forced to carry out the entire labour on their back on a bed. This is something you both want to avoid. It’s not uncommon to give birth on all fours or even standing up (as gravity tends to aid the process).

As with the pre-Labour, don’t ask your partner stupid questions, don’t mention anything to do with pain. Give plenty of love both verbally (and physically) if possible. Keep repeating positive, motivating words and phrases.

Even during this stage, there will be periods of calm between the contractions. This is a good opportunity to give some food and drink. Something sugary is ideal for both, in order to keep the energy levels up.

My Wife’s comments: I bought several of my favourite chocolate bars and I don’t think I ever enjoyed eating chocolate as much as I did between contractions. :D

If you partner is in agreement, take photos and videos. Keep your family and friends informed of progress, just so they don’t worry.

My Wife’s comments: Be prepared that your partner might change their mind! I initially didn’t want any pictures or photos of the birth process but ended up asking Ben to record a significant amount of it in picture or video form.

Through all of this, the doctor or Midwife will be guiding your partner through the birth. Research in advance the possible complications. Whilst it’s not good to focus on negative possibilities, you may need to speak for your partner as they will likely not be in a fit state to do so. The medical staff will know what’s best for Mum and Baby, however you need to be aware of the alternatives.

In Part 3 I’ll discuss the immediate birth and the first night. Part 4, the first month of living with your new baby.