A Missionary’s Thoughts on the Missionary Position
Tags: Relationships, Sexuality, Love, Sex, Religion

A Missionary’s Thoughts on the Missionary Position

Hint: I’m a little offended by its name and so is God.

Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash

Let’s get one thing straight. I like all the sexual positions. As long as my dick is inside my partner’s pussy, I’m enjoying myself. Whenever our naked bodies are touching, our mouths are locked in a wet kiss and our movements are taking one another to new heights of euphoria, I’m game for whatever. As long as my body will cooperate, I’ll try any position you want to suggest.

But, the phrase “missionary position” has to go.

Origins of a Phrase

There is much speculation as to the actual origin of the phrase “missionary position”. Its earliest references came from a work by Bronislaw Malinowski’s Sexual Life of Savages (1929). He used the term “missionary fashion” to describe the unusual way that missionaries had sex among the natives. The actual phrase of “missionary position” was coined by Alfred Kinsey who was jokingly referring to Malinowski’s work.

Encyclopedia.com, who cites these two references states that

“Almost everyone can cite the obvious reason this sexual position is called the missionary position: it is the only position used (not enjoyed) by joyless, sexually inhibited, uptight, morally hidebound white people.”

In Kinsey’s research of female sexuality, this view is further emboldened by the fact that 91 percent of females reported using this position most frequently and 9 percent exclusively.

The Stigma of a Boring Sex Position

Regardless of its origins, the stigma is what concerns me. For many, the idea that fucking with the man on top is boring and plain and uncreative, therefore missionaries are boring and plain and uncreative. This position’s sole design is to maximize a man impregnating a woman so she can pop out future farmhands. Although this may be true scientifically, the stigma still sticks with us.

A note to the wise — just in case you were thinking that all other positions were in the “safe sex” zone — I got my wife pregnant at Disneyworld while we were “standing” in the shower. My wife was so excited that I had taken her to “the happiest place on earth”, she wanted to make sure that I knew how thankful she was.

She took me to the happiest place on earth.

Nine months later, we became happy parents of a baby girl. If I’m not mistaken, four years later, another child was conceived at Disneyworld. This time I believe we were going at it in a chair. I’m pretty sure I apologized to the future guests of that room for the mess we were about to make on their chair.

Can I just reiterate this point again? I’m a missionary. I spread the Good News of Jesus to anybody that wants to listen. I’ve traveled locally, nationally and internationally to teach people about the love of God.

I also have sex in various positions in various places. I have preferences and techniques that I enjoy. Some of them are far from boring and a few are quite creative whenever I can convince my wife to do them.

If you want to get technical, this “man on top” position actually can be a highly arousing position for the female if done right. By having the man position himself higher in the bed so that his penis is actually hitting the vagina in a more direct downward motion and having the woman rotate her hips upward, it gives more clitoral stimulation for the woman. Medium author, Tracybyfire, gives a “thumbs up” article celebrating the missionary position for the sheer comfort of it for the woman, thus allowing her to relax and enjoy the moment.

Even in her celebration of this position and its relaxing and comforting effect on her as a woman, she still buys into the stigma of calling it “vanilla”. Those dang missionaries and their vanilla sex. I can just imagine God rolling his eyes at the whole thing.

God is offended by our lack of creativity.

As a representative of a creative God, it’s my job to use my creativity to its fullest. God loves it when his creation enjoys creativity and pleasure; especially pleasure he created for us. When his creative reputation is on the line, I can just imagine his frustration. This same God who made the giraffe and the dodo bird and the octopus is always down for some creative expression. To have a sexual position that is seen as basic and “joyless” attributed to him, even indirectly, would seem to contradict everything he stands for.

The First Fuck of Creation

Not to take away from the sacredness of sex, can you imagine the scenario played out with Adam and Eve as they try their hand at getting jiggy? Obviously the emotions were high. Adam takes one look at this new creature in front of him and he’s astounded at what he sees. God has been looking for a partner for Adam among the creation, but with no success. So, he decides to create a perfect companion for him: Eve.

Adam’s excitement is hard to hide. As he stands there and takes one look at this creature in front of him, the first erection enters the world. Adam looks down at his boner. Eve takes a look at it as well. Human attraction is born. Eve begins to feel the tingle as well. Wetness forms in her vagina and lips swell. Then a giggle from both of them. What the heck are they to do with it all? Does God have to show them what to do? Do they figure it out on their own? Does Adam bring experience to the table as he’s no doubt watched other animals copulate?

Adam and Eve begin the process of discovering how his penis and her vagina fit together. They have plenty of time to play, that’s for sure. There aren’t any kids at this point. Adam doesn’t have to go to his exhausting 9 to 5 job, and Eve doesn’t know what menstrual cramps are or what a headache is. All they know is a sheer pleasure of exploring each other with their five senses.

With lots of time on their hands, one can only imagine the thorough exploration they enjoyed with one another. Mouths discovered all kinds of body parts. Fluids were tasted. Things were touched, felt up, poked, and rubbed. Every inch of their bodies was on display and given full access to their partner.

Godly Sex Education

Meanwhile, God is basking in the joy of it all. Nothing is off-limits for them except that stupid tree in the middle of the Garden. “Try it all,” he says. Of course, He approves. He created their bodies for this. Did he have to give pointers? I don’t know. Even if he did, there was no shame in it. I compare to a dad giving pointers to his kids on how to throw a ball or a mom giving instructions to her children on riding a bike for the first time. Obviously the first few tries of a new adventure are awkward and strange, but what absolute joy a parent experiences when they see their kid riding down the street on their own.

God, no doubt, was there helping his new creation figure things out. Maybe he had to give some suggestions on how things worked.

“Adam, this little button right here between her legs under her hair is going to send all kinds of pleasure through Eve’s body.” “Eve, if you put your mouth on the end of Adam’s penis and suck, you’re going to get quite a response!”

There was exploration and creativity and laughter and giggles and moans and screams that would make the animals stop and take notice.