One of the Most Important Parts of Sex Happens When It’s Over
By: Emma Austin
Tags: Relationships, Love, Sex, Women, Life

For years, I was missing an extremely important part of sex. And I didn’t really know I was missing it, because I had never even heard of it.

I knew foreplay was a thing, but I had no clue that aftercare mattered, too.

I definitely wasn’t getting any. With a few rare exceptions, sex ended very unceremoniously. I’d bang some guy at a party, then we’d get dressed and leave.

There was always some kind of foreplay. No one played with my tits or touched my pussy, but we’d at least spend some time flirting, making out, and dry humping. There was a buildup to the sex. But there was nothing after it. Just an abrupt stop.

Then I met Mr. Austin and things were completely different.

The first time we had sex, it felt so new. He went down on me, which is something I wasn’t used to. He made me come — I wasn’t used to that, either.

When we were done, he didn’t get dressed and go back to whatever he was doing before. We caught our breaths while touching each other. We cuddled naked for so long, we didn’t bother getting dressed before fucking again. And we would just talk.

It felt perfect. But you can get used to perfect. All that cuddling and closeness became a normal part of having sex and I didn’t give it a lot of thought.

Then I did something that showed me all that aftercare wasn’t just nice — it was essential. I opened up my marriage.

When I threw myself back on the dating scene, I discovered that emotionally unavailable guys don’t just grow out of it in their twenties. I’ve met thirty-somethings who still don’t know how to be vulnerable with others.

I also learned that I can still fall for that shit. Maybe it’s because I spent my twenties in a committed relationship instead of getting burned by dudes, but I was right back to being drawn to the wrong guys for the wrong reasons.

One of them was Will.

I never met Will in person, but the sex was still memorable. At first, it took place over text. But then, he convinced me to get on the phone with him.

I put up a little resistance because I’m a phone-hating Millennial. I even get my husband to call the pharmacy for me so I can avoid being on a call. But this wasn’t getting a prescription refill — this was hearing a guy making himself come for me. So, I gave in.

And I was so damn happy I did, because it was one of the hottest experiences I’ve had. Knowing he could hear me moan and climax made me feel exposed in a way that really turned me on. Hearing him finish himself off to it was even better.

After that, we hung up. Masturbating over the phone was one thing, but I wasn’t ready to talk. Instead, we spent a long time talking over text.

I felt flustered. I felt excited. I felt a whole lot of warm feelings that just stayed with me long after we were done.

That wasn’t the last time we had phone sex. But it was the last time it ended well.

When the sex was over, he’d be quick to leave. Or he’d start ignoring me after, like he was too busy with other stuff.

The sex was still really good, but it never left me with those warm feelings I had the first time. It just left me feeling weird. It left me with anxiety. It made me feel stupid and used. It made our whole situation feel awkward.

And it made me feel lonely, like I missed him even though we had just been on the phone.

The only thing that made me feel kind of okay is the aftercare I got from my husband. Hanging out with him and talking about what had just happened was the only thing that kept me from spiraling into some even darker moods.

I learned a lot of things from my brief fling with Will. And one of them is just how important aftercare is. It was such a given in my married life that I took it for granted. Now I knew it was essential.

Why Sexual Aftercare Is So Important

Sexual aftercare is usually associated with BDSM but it’s really something everyone should be practicing, even if the sex they have isn’t very kinky.

And it’s not just for long-term partners, either. It’s worth making sure you get and give aftercare when you’re having casual sex or with your friends with benefits. Maybe even more, since you can’t rely on the intimacy and security you get from a solid relationship.

One of the reasons it matters so much is because that intimacy is what makes you feel special and appreciated. When someone just fucks you and moves on, it can feel like they were just in it because they wanted sex, not because they wanted you. Which, I don’t think I have to tell you, is not an amazing feeling.

Sex is also a very vulnerable act. You’re giving your body over to someone. You’re opening up to them physically. You’re showing them what you desire and what it’s like when you get lost in pleasure. If you get off, you’ll even lose control of your body for a few seconds (or longer if you’re lucky).

It’s easy to come out of that feeling a little bit ashamed and embarrassed. Even more so if you did the kind of nasty stuff you don’t even think about unless you’re horned up hard. Getting good aftercare will make you feel safe and reassured in those moments.

Sexual arousal, pleasure, and orgasms also come with a huge hormonal rush. That’s part of the fun, but hitting those hormonal peaks also means you have to come down from them.

How hard you come down depends on what happens next. If you just go your separate ways, roll over and go to sleep, or (in my case) hang up the phone, the rush can end in a hormonal crash. That crash can turn you into an uncomfortable, anxious mess of confused thoughts.

With good aftercare, though, you can process those intense feelings, get through them, and bury them under some positive ones. You can ride out your endorphin high and come down gently.

In general, aftercare makes the sex a more positive experience. Sex can bring you closer and make you feel more connected. But when there’s not enough aftercare, you can end up feeling more distant than before.

And even if the sex is good, everything that happens after can still spoil it (trust me, you can regret hot sex). If you do the aftercare right, though, you get to hold on to the good stuff.

How to Practice Good Sexual Aftercare

Aftercare looks different for everyone because we all have unique needs and we all approach sex with a different kind of mindset. But fundamentally, it’s just what it says in the name. It’s about finding ways to make your partner feel cared for.

These are some of the things you can do to keep the intimacy going after the sex is over.

Catch Your Breath Together

Instead of grabbing your phone after sex, lie next to each other while you’re both catching your breath.

It’s a great way to be present with each other. Even if you don’t say anything, coming down together will give the sex a natural conclusion instead of having it come to an abrupt stop.

Touch Each Other

Cuddle, kiss, stroke your partner’s arm or back, or play with their hair. You can enjoy the silence and listen to each other breathe, put on some music, or talk while you do it, but touching is going to help you feel more connected.

Again, it’s about not ending things too abruptly. You just had your bodies pressed close together, so it can feel emotionally disorienting when that physical closeness comes to an immediate stop.

And staying physically close is a good way to keep you from feeling emotionally distant.

Lie in Bed and Talk

Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you talk about. Just having a conversation you can both feel engaged in can help you feel closer.

But it’s even better when you talk about the sex you just had.

You can go over what you liked and say things like “I loved that you did circles with your tongue. From now on, more circles please!”

Or you can compliment your partner on their skill: “The way you kept pushing the dildo in me while stroking my clit… Masterful.”

You can even giggle over the stuff you tried that didn’t quite work. I can’t count the number of times that sex with Mr. Austin has ended with one of us saying like “I had no idea that position would hurt my thighs so much” or “Maybe that sex act just belongs in porn, not real life.”

Make Room for All the Feelings

If you tried something new or if something just felt off, check in with your partner to see if they’re okay with what just went down. Sometimes, it’s not always clear, especially if it was something that was mostly good but made them a little uncomfortable. Giving them the space to talk about it can give them the reassurance they need.

Depending on the kind of sex I have, I can have all sorts of strong emotional reactions.

Normally, I just feel really good and I can bask in that glow. But sometimes, it feels so good I burst out in uncontrollable laughter. Those laughing orgasms are the weirdest ones I have, so they make me feel a little self-conscious. But when Mr. Austin giggles along with me and tells me to laugh all I want, I can let go and just enjoy it.

Other times, I go on such a hormonal roller coaster that I cry after an orgasm. Those make me feel guilty because I worry that I’m sending the signal that something went wrong. I don’t want my husband to feel bad just for making me come. But when he holds me and tells me it’s okay, I can get through it without having to feel worse than I already do.

And then there are the times where I just feel a whole lot of things and I don’t know how to sort them out. Maybe I got spanked a little too hard. Maybe the dirty talk was just a shade too degrading. Maybe the dynamic just didn’t feel right. Half the time, I don’t even know what the problem is — I just don’t feel quite right.

If your partner is going through any of that, do what you can to make them feel safe and help them process through those feelings.

Clean Up

Sex gets messy — there’s sweat, there’s saliva, there’s massage oil, there’s lube, there’s come, and who knows what else. Walking to the bathroom to clean yourself off after can be a bit of a lonely experience. Doing that job for your partner is a good way to make them feel taken care of.

Whenever we’re done, my husband will always clean the massage oil, lube, and come off me. He usually finishes on my ass, so I get to lie on my stomach and enjoy feeling the warm towel against my skin.

And it makes it so I can get all sticky and messy but not end up feeling dirty because of it.

Take Care of Your Partner’s Physical Needs

Sex can wear you out. When you’ve got all those horny hormones flowing through your body, you can just power through all the physical demands. But when those start to die down, you can be hit with all sorts of discomfort. Part of your aftercare should be easing that discomfort for your partner.

Gently massage their sore legs. Grab them an ice pack if the spanking left their butt feeling a little too beat up. Get them a snack if they’re starving after a long, exhausting session. Personally, I tend to get really thirsty after sex, so Mr. Austin will graciously pop down to the kitchen to get me a glass of cold water.

Getting an ice pack doesn’t sound as romantic as cuddling, but it’s a good way to show your partner you’re taking shared responsibility for the sex and everything that comes with it.

Always Leave Room For Aftercare

Aftercare generally isn’t a problem in my relationship, but there are times when it’s fallen to the wayside.

We have a lot of young kids at home, so we can only have sex once they’re all in bed. Sometimes, that gives us a very small window to work with.

We never rush through the foreplay, but sometimes we get cheap with the aftercare. We’ll do a quick bit of cuddling, talk for a few minutes, and then crash and go to sleep.

We figured that was enough, but it wasn’t.

Instead of waking up chipper and lovey dovey the next morning, we’d wake up feeling disconnected.

And no matter how great the sex was the night before, I just couldn’t feel excited about having it again. I felt spent and done.

That’s what made me realize that aftercare isn’t just about how you feel in the moment. Good aftercare puts me in a good mood, even the day after. It helps me get in the mood again, too.

It’s why I lost interest in having phone sex with Will. Because there was no aftercare, I knew what I was signing up for. I’d have fun for a minute and then I’d feel like crap the rest of the night (and wouldn’t feel much better in the morning). It wasn’t something I could stay excited about.

Ever since I came to that realization, I’ve become more intentional about aftercare. I always make room for it, even if I’m staying up late fucking. Because I love that warm glow and I’d much rather have less sleep than less sex.