Single Men Pitch Themselves To Me On Shark Tank
By: Sara K. Runnels
Tags: Relationships, Satire, Humor, Business, Dating

Trophy by Emily Clouse

Single Men Pitch Themselves To Me On Shark Tank

This Shark is ready to settle — I mean, invest!

Don’t worry. I don’t bite. (Photo by Moon on Unsplash)

Narrator:

Tonight, hopeful men will enter the Shark Tank with the goal of getting an emotional investment. The dudes must convince the Shark to invest the full amount they’re asking for, or they’ll walk away with nothing.

Who is the Shark? She’s a self-made thousandaire who’s helped hundreds of men nationwide realize their glaring lack of potential. The Shark is on a never-ending, painstaking quest to find the best guys in America, and if she hears a great idea or sees a fine-ass gentleman, she’s prepared to make a deal.

Narrator:

First into the tank is Ryan, a classic fuckboy seeking something casual in exchange for 10% of his time.

Ryan:

What’s up, Shark? I’m Ryan, and I’m the CEO and co-founder of MY DICK. Haha, naw, but really––I’m just here for some quality intercourse. I have 557 Instagram followers, so you know I’m legit, and I love women, but strictly in a sexual way.

Me:

Ryan, I’d likely invest in you on the packaging alone. But you are definitely never going to reply to my texts or let me come first, so for those reasons, I am out.

Narrator:

Next up is Alex, a people-pleaser looking for someone to walk all over him in exchange for unconditional love.

Alex:

My sole purpose on this earth? To please you, girl. I’ll never ask for anything in return––except…maybe the occasional handjob. No? That’s cool. I’ll still take millions of pics of you for Insta, and won’t even cry hard when you don’t tag me. Maybe a classic dry hump if you’re into it, though? No? Cool, cool. I’ll just be here, waiting for you, like a little human houseplant.

Me:

While I am very into the idea of an Instagram Boyfriend, what you have is a product, not a business. Plus, all my houseplants are dead. So for those reasons, Alex, I am out.

Narrator:

Next into the tank is Kevin, a self-described Jesus-lookalike with a six-pack. He is seeking shelter in exchange for sex with him.

Kevin:

Yo —

Me:

Kevin, your six-pack is actually just five Bud Lights and for those reasons, I am out…of your league.

Narrator:

Up next is Nick, a health-conscious short king seeking similar for 50% of his time.

Nick:

Hi, I’m Nick! I do Crossfit and eat paleo, but I don’t like to talk about it. I’ve been paleo for 2 years and 4 months, and I’ve been doing Crossfit for 3 years and 9.5 months, but that’s not like, WHO I am. My BFFs and I get together most days of the week to eat like cavemen and throw kettlebells at each other, but incredibly regimented dating is important to me, too.

Me:

Nick, your business model doesn’t work for me. While this investment would diversify my portfolio, I love carbs and hate working out too much to dilute my personal brand, so for those reasons, I am out…of shape.

Narrator:

Fred is a sensitive, recently divorced mama’s boy who wants any attention in exchange for literally anything.

Fred:

Me:

OK, you cannot stop sobbing. For those reasons, Fred, I am out…of tissues.

Narrator:

Carl is a seasoned creative director and Jessica is a crystal healer. They are seeking a third in exchange for weird glances at parties.

Carl:

We are a polyamorous pair looking to complete our throuple. In the last year alone, many have been eager to participate in our intimate bedroom gatherings, and —

Me:

While it seems you have a fair amount of sales, I don’t think this business is scalable. For those reasons, I am out…of my comfort zone.

Narrator:

Next up is Larry, a 31-year-old bachelor from Tampa —

Me:

No. Absolutely not. Larry, you are unironically wearing a shirt that says FLORIDA MAN, holding a jar of bath salts, and clearly in your late 50s. For those reasons, you are being escorted out of here.

Narrator:

Last into the tank is Paul, a subtle mansplainer with big dick energy, seeking a 50/50 partnership, 25% of the time.

Paul:

I’m Paul, and I’ll give it to you real quick — ha, said that before! I’m a go-getter in between jobs. I’ve got a few lowkey secrets, but I’ll surprise you with those once we’re exclusive. Moms love me. Dads, too — no homo.

Me:

Paul, you have a ton of red flags. But I’m willing to overlook them in exchange for a 6–12 month deal, as I am exhausted and ready to settle — er, invest. For that particular reason, let’s go out!

Narrator:

Shark, my, uh, wife is actually out of town this weekend, so I was wondering––

Me:

I’d literally, literally, rather be eaten by sharks. For infinite reasons, I am out…of the game forever!