GOP Kavanaughs Yovanovitch
By: Phillip T Stephens
Tags: Humor, Donald Trump, Congress, Satire, Impeachment

GOP Kavanaughs Yovanovitch

FOX leads assault with on-screen graphics

“We thank you for your years of service to this country, but we don’t give a shit about your concerns,” GOP members on the impeachment hearings panel told career diplomat and former Ukrainian ambassador Marie Yovanovitch during her testimony yesterday. They spent the bulk of the hearings attacking Yovanovitch and Committee Chairman Adam Schiff like Justice Brett Kavanaugh attacked the female members of the Senate during his confirmation hearings — with theatrical outrage and refusal to stay on subject. Kavanaugh, who personally attended the hearings, applauded and encouraged them from the gallery.

After Schiff walked reporters through the highlights of Yovanovitch’s testimony, the house members gathered for reporters and screeched like angry baboons. “Schiff, Schiff, Schiff, Schiff, Schiff,” they screeched in unison as reporters tried to confront them with the facts revealed about Drumpf’s blatant abuses of power. “The rules are unfair, and Schiff face wouldn’t change them to accommodate our unreasonable demands to turn the hearings into a carnival sideshow,” Jim Jordan shouted into a reporter’s microphone.

“The rules are unfair, and Schiff face wouldn’t change them to accommodate our unreasonable demands to turn the hearings into a carnival sideshow.”

“They dumped all over our gracious and patient little Elise (Stefanik, the only female GOP representative, also white, Republicans allowed on the committee),” said Utah Rep. Chris Stewart. “It was terrible, terrible what they did to that precious woman who we need our Second Amendment to protect from Democrats and Never Trumpers trying to oust our President and put their own regime in power.”

“You mean the Democratic, Never Trump regime of Mike Pence?” suggested a reporter with an unhidden tinge of sarcasm in her voice.

“First they impeach Drumpf, then they turn into Never Pencers and impeach him,” Jordan interrupted.

“Pence committed impeachable offenses too?” one reporter followed up, while another shouted, “You mean the VEEP has been in on it all along?”

The entire group resumed their shouts of “Schiff, Schiff, Schiff,” and then threw bananas at the reporters shouting, “Apples, apples, apples.”

After being caught admitting Pence was complicit in Drumpf’s attempt to bribe the Ukrainians, the GOP delegation shouted “Schiff, Schiff, Schiff,” and then threw bananas at the reporters shouting, “Apples, apples, apples.”

GOP members tried to obscure Yovanovitch’s account of Presidential harassment and a rogue foreign policy to benefit Drumpf donors and Guiliani business associates with questions such as:

“Did you pay somebody to write this impressive resume?”

“You’ve never met the President so how could you know the orders written on White House stationary came from him?”

“How can we trust the woman who sabotaged our foreign policy in Somalia?”

“You’re just mad because the President wouldn’t make you Secretary of State if you slept with him even though you’re clearly not his type.”

“Are you proud of yourself for turning into a rat for the phony Feds?”

The questions were conducted in real time with a Presidential Tweet claiming Yovanovitch was a traitor who ruined foreign policy and would be prosecuted for treason, which carries the death penalty. Even though Secretary of State Pompeo used his CIA connections to broadcast the Tweets to every one present at the hearings, Lindsey Graham and every other Republican defended the Tweet.

“Just a boy being a boy. It’s not like she would have noticed it on the big screen behind Adam Schiff’s head. That man’s head is too big for anyone to see what’s behind it,” Majority Leader Mitch McConnell agreed.

“(Drumpf’s) Tweet was just a boy being a boy. It’s not like she would have noticed it on the big screen behind Adam Schiff’s head.”

Immediately following the testimony, and the GOP strategy to discredit Yovanovitch, Merriam-Webster has officially declared the word “kavanaugh” to be a verb.

The newest definition to enter the dictionary.

The FOX Factor

FOX joined the GOP chorus by repeating the Wednesday’s strategy of using graphic bullet points to discredit the witness during hearing coverage. During the course of Yovanovitch’s testimony, FOX displayed 97 graphics with messages including:

If Drumpf had been President during World War II, her parents would never been allowed to cross the border. Unlike Roosevelt, we would have beaten Mexico and Canada, who really started the war.

The fact that the Russians were our enemies when her parents lived there but that the Russians are our friends now, proves she’s an enemy agent trying to betray both countries.

Yovanovitch was caught looking at nude pictures of men when she took Anatomy in college.

Yovanovitch speaks fluent Russian, which proves she’s a spy. Drumpf would never allow anyone speaking a foreign-sounding language to work for our government.

Yovanovitch liked the song, “I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It,” proving she’s a lesbian.

“Yovanovitch liked the song, ‘I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It,’ proving she’s a lesbian.”

Yovanovitch was excused from class in kindergarten so she could “pee pee.”

Yovanovitch graduated from college, which makes her a liberal elitist.

Yovanovitch has served four Republican and two Democratic Presidents, which proves she is a mercenary with no loyalty to anyone.

The fact that Yovanovitch is so willing to sell out the President proves she is sleeping with Shifty Schiff.

A complete list of FOX ’s claims can be found on their web site, or, if readers wait log enough, they will appear in Drumpf Tweets.

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