How to Support a Partner with Mental Health Disorders
By: Rose Mejia
Tags: Relationships, Mental Illness, Relationships Love Dating, Mental Health

We are a mirror for our partners. Both our best and our worst are reflected within one another.

My partner and I met when we were about ten years old. Throughout our childhood, we trusted each other with the issues that we were facing at home. Despite sharing our secrets and traumas with each other, however, we hardly ever mentioned the true mental health problems that we were experiencing. By the time we started dating, he had already experienced severe swings of social and general anxiety, mild and chronic depression, and panic disorder with agoraphobia. For me personally, I’d gone through my own cycles of generalized anxiety, mild depression, chronic insomnia, multiple eating disorders, and panic disorder.

Unfortunately, neither one of us had been liberated yet from our dwells when our relationship started. We knew that we had our problems but didn’t see it as a concern to worry about. Our insecurities, fears, and worries got in the way at times but we understood each other in a way that most people wouldn’t have. Our mental health disorders, though fairly similar in name, were experienced very differently. It was this subjective difference that led to a rollercoaster of push and pulls for us.

Being the most psychologically minded in the relationship, I began to understand that our mental states were potential triggers for each other. How we reacted or responded could be a negative reinforcer to each other’s mental state of mind. My negative thoughts and emotions sooner or later could be reflected in his negative thoughts and emotions. In a relationship, you feed each other's state of well-being. Your stressors, issues, and conflicts easily become their stressors, issues, and conflicts, or vice versa. This also means however, that we can be each other’s safe space if we know how to make the right moves. We have the power to be each other’s most trusted confidants. To be each other’s positive reinforcer and give each other the gift of true understanding, love, and safety. We are a mirror for our partners. Both our best and our worst can be reflected within one another. With great psychological and mental awareness, the mirror can become less of an unconscious fog and more of a true clear reflection of ourselves.

Walk in Their Shoes

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My partner and I both have similar mental disorders but we both subjectively experience them differently. It was with this token of knowledge that helped me realize that in order to best support and be there for my partner, I would need to understand him at a deeper level. To see that each time he had a negative emotional reaction, each time he wanted to rush to his “safe space,” each time he didn’t want to talk to me, each time he was in a low or irrational mood, it was not something for me to take personally but instead hold compassion for. Often at times we judge our partners when they’re at their worst without realizing where they’re coming from mentally, psychologically or emotionally. Without understanding that they might be stuck in a negative thought loop or that they’re facing an internal pressure that not even they fully understand.

I used my own experiences with my mental health as my base to be able to see things from his shoes. I would meditate on the multiple possible factors that he was experiencing and tried to piece it together to feel things from his shoes. I’d try to imagine every detail, every feeling, every emotion that could be tied to the narrative that he’s potentially living. Whenever he was really going through something, I’d start with having empathy for him to really feel what he was feeling. Once I tapped into the emotion, I would distance myself from it and find a way to convert into compassion. This may sound like a lot of work, but having a set of compassionate lenses toward my partner allowed me to be less reactive and provide him with a safe space where he could be himself.

Patience

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For all of you dating someone with a mental health disorder, you must already know that patience is a key factor in making things work. In stressful times there is an abundance of lows. Of emotional reactivity. Of negative emotions. A flow of fears and worries that seem to have no beginning nor end. Their anxiety, depression, panic, disorder eating habits, obsessions or addictions may be in full-swing. But patience is the tranquil breath in a turbulent thunderstorm. It’s what grounds you to see the reality of things.

A key thing to remember to really cash into patience is having positive unconditional regard. It is having the supportive attitude that an individual is trying their hardest to be the best version of themselves given their internal and external resources. It allows you to step in without having a judgemental stance and instead see that they are only humans going through a hurricane of things that only they can fully feel.

Deeply Listen

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When our partners are going through their moments, it’s normal for us to want to help them. To “listen” to them but also simultaneously try to interpret everything they share with us. To search for patterns or common themes to bring it all together to see “the bigger picture.” To think of advice or possible solutions for them. The only issue is that sometimes our partners may not want our help. Or our “bigger picture” of their narrative. Or our advice. Or our opinion. Sometimes they just want to be sincerely heard. To have someone give them their full attention. To listen to their words without being interrupted. To be given the space to express themselves vulnerably and authentically. In other words, they may want someone to be fully present with them. To allow them to feel like they matter. To receive validation of their emotions and experiences simply through our attention.

Space & Time

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During my partner’s worst he likes to be alone. To have the space to just process things, to filter out his thoughts, to really get a sense of what’s going on in his mind and body. It took me a while, but I eventually began to see that this was a healthy boundary for him to have. Because when there’s so much going on internally that we don’t have control of, having our space to just tune in and self-care is an important practice.

It may allow your partner to feel less reactive to things. To have less information floating around in the crevices of their mind. To build on their internal resources. To understand themselves better and have a better sense of their needs. Not only will it allow them to feel refreshed, they’ll respect you even more for giving them this time. In the long run it’ll benefit the both of you.

Unconditional Love & Support

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One time I asked my partner what was the best thing I could do for him at the moment after him almost having a panic attack. “Just be there,” he said. My anxious mind wanted to take action, to take things into my own hands to help him feel better. But I knew that it was best to listen to his needs, so I just sat there with him instead. I learned that in having our presence, in being there at their worst, our partners can feel a comfortable support that isn’t forced or overwhelming.

That moment taught me something else though. There’s a common misconception that unconditional love and support looks like buying them their favorite meal, watching their favorite movie with them, or checking in with them frequently. But unconditional love and support will look differently each day. And it’s that flexibility that really makes a difference. One day they might want to stay home and do nothing, perhaps another they want to go to a park to feel better. Some days they might want to talk about their issues, others they might want to be left alone to think and process. Whatever it may be, as long as it isn’t harmful or damaging to either of you, support it. Let them know that you’ll be there for them unconditionally. Like this they’ll feel like they have the freedom to really dig deep into their inner chaos but always have a safe base to come back to, which would be you.

Research

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Researching your partner’s mental disorders is important regardless of your own mental condition. You’ll be able to have a more clinical and diagnostic familiarity with what they’re experiencing. You’ll also be able to better distinguish between habits and behaviors that are part of their personality or due to a change in their mental and emotional state. It may even allow you to be more understanding and compassionate with the struggles they’re facing.

Some websites even have further information and resources that partners and family members can access on how to support their loved ones with a mental health condition. Sometimes you might even find holistic approaches that can be practiced at home, such as herbal supplements, foods, or exercises that can help boost their mental state as well. Not only does it better inform you of what they're going through, it's also a sincere sign that you care for their well-being.