Smash your feedback conversation
By: Chaya Mistry
Tags: Humans, Communication Skills, Leadership Coaching, Listening Skills, Feedback

My boss marched into the office, glancing straight at me and set her things down, all except one notebook and a pen. “Chaya, have you got a few minutes?” I could feel a heat in my chest and at the same time a drop in my stomach. Adrenaline and cortisol pumping through my system, oh I was about to get some feedback!

Whether you are the person giving the feedback, or the person receiving it, feedback makes us uncomfortable. Even when, like in this case, it is good news, we still can’t help but think the worst. Our brains are alerted to a potential threat.

The request alone “Can I give you some feedback?” feels like a threat before we even know what the feedback is.

The first time I was giving a workshop on feedback I mis-spelt the word ‘Threat’ as ‘Treat’ but I think that might be the mindset shift we need.

When we see feedback as a treat, an honour to receive and ignite our curiosity to know what the other person can see that we can’t, then we can be more open to the learning opportunity in front of us.

Many people feel discomfort in both giving receiving feedback. So how do you start to change that?

How do you build a culture where the pain of ‘the feedback conversation’ is replaced with motivation, courage and the curiosity it takes to develop people, to innovate and grow.

Start asking for feedback more. People have perceptions and assumptions of you already. So unless you ask, you may never find out what they are. Or worse, they might be acting on those perceptions without giving you a chance to clarify or offer your perspective. Think about…Who are the people you feel comfortable asking for feedback? And who do you worry about asking? Why is that?

Pull instead of push. The discomfort of giving and receiving feedback often happens when people are spending their time and energy in covering up their weaknesses and then we are pushed into a position where someone else has the power to tell you all about your weaknesses and mistakes. But with this mindset, you also miss the chance to show that you can learn and grow. When you are managing people’s impressions of you or hiding insecurities you are not actually dealing with your unconscious habits and thinking patterns that lie in your blind spots.

Start asking for feedback more. People have perceptions and assumptions of you already. So unless you ask, you may never find out what they are. Or worse, they might be acting on those perceptions without giving you a chance to clarify or offer your perspective. Think about…Who are the people you feel comfortable asking for feedback? And who do you worry about asking? Why is that?

Pull instead of push. The discomfort of giving and receiving feedback often happens when people are spending their time and energy in covering up their weaknesses and then we are pushed into a position where someone else has the power to tell you all about your weaknesses and mistakes. But with this mindset, you also miss the chance to show that you can learn and grow. When you are managing people’s impressions of you or hiding insecurities you are not actually dealing with your unconscious habits and thinking patterns that lie in your blind spots.

Asking for feedback is a proactive way to learn about your blind spots and manage them, before they manage you.

It is a sign of strong leadership and a growth mindset… so ask for it!

Pulling is the act of asking, it requires vulnerability but one on your own terms and with that autonomy. When you actively ask for feedback, you learn more — faster.

Tips:

1) Make a list of people you would like to get feedback from. Review this list… who is missing?

2) What are the questions you should ask? What are the questions that feel hard to ask but are worth hearing the answer? What are the open ended and open minded questions you would like to ask?

3) Asking is a welcome invitation, frame the request in a way that welcomes open and honest conversation

A FRAMEWORK AND TIPS FOR GIVING FEEDBACK EFFECTIVELY

Framing: Set up the environment to give feedback in a way that it can be heard will give you a better chance that it will be accepted willingly. My tip here is get a ‘micro-yes’ a small agreement and the first step to engaging in the process. “Can I share some thoughts I had about your presentation?”

Set up the environment to give feedback in a way that it can be heard will give you a better chance that it will be accepted willingly. My tip here is a small agreement and the first step to engaging in the process. “Can I share some thoughts I had about your presentation?” Objective Observation: Just stick to the facts here don’t mix in your judgements or emotions “You said you would deliver the document to me by 5pm and I didn’t receive it.” Its a fact… whereas “You are unreliable” is a judgement and will cause interference with the point you are trying to make.

Just stick to the facts here “You said you would deliver the document to me by 5pm and I didn’t receive it.” Its a fact… whereas “You are unreliable” is a judgement and will cause interference with the point you are trying to make. Emotion, Impact and Consequences: These are two stages that make us feel uncomfortable because they require some vulnerability from you. Don’t skip this icky feeling! People have an intention which might not match the impact they have. they only have their own viewpoint and it is important that they get the chance to understand an alternative experience so that they can understand the reason for the conversation.

These are two stages that make us feel uncomfortable because they require some vulnerability from you. People have an intention which might not match the impact they have. they only have their own viewpoint and it is important that they get the chance to understand an alternative experience so that they can understand the reason for the conversation. Requests- It is usually a question.. Make it clear and forward focused — Questions like ‘What’ and ‘How’ are questions that open you to learn and grow… ‘Why’ questions can keep you in a cycle of thinking that is harder to break. “How could we help each other next time”, rather than “Why do you always do that?”

Finally not everyone is the same. Cultures, contexts and personalities mean that we may need to discuss and experiment to find the style of feedback that is right for you and the other person. Not too direct, that it shuts down conversation and not too indirect that it doesn’t even register as feedback.

PUT YOURSELF UNDER THE MICROSCOPE

There are the things we know about ourselves and the things we don’t. Unconscious behaviours and mindsets that leak into our actions and words, some we notice but others we don’t. But people we work with and have relationships with often have first hand experience of what we say and do.

For example, If you interrupt people often, you probably don’t realise, but those you interrupt certainly know.

Those behaviours are in our blind spots, but what gets in the way of you seeing them? What is sitting behind your blind spot?

What keeps you in your own head and your own train of thought? What drivers and desires do you have that keep you from seeing the behaviours that prevent you from being at your best?

“If you’re like most people, you have no clue how other people see things

and aren’t good at seeking to understand what they are thinking,

because you’re too preoccupied with telling them what you yourself think is correct.

In other words, you are closed-minded; you presume too much”

- Ray Dalio -Founder Chairman of Bridgewater Associates

MISSION: Make it you mission to discover what your blind spots are but don’t stop there…Make it your work to find out what your barriers to your blind stops are. We are only human, but humans are incredible learners so seek and find out.

What are the beliefs, patterns and assumption that get in the way of you seeing that which others can see?

Good luck, I wish you success. If you need more support I am happy to talk

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