Healing is mothafucking exhausting.
By: Brianna Dancy
Tags: Vulnerability, Healing, Astrology, Relationships

Healing is mothafucking exhausting. I did the work today — I can honestly say I did the work. I penned 3 separate letters to 3 different ex-boyfriends with the intent to apologize.

Imagine me. Someone who feels that she’s right and justified in everything (or even if I’m wrong, apologize for what?) apologizing .. to men of all people. It’s embarrassing. So I had thought. But, it takes courage as a heterosexual woman to say that men are important to me. For so long, I’ve been imbibed to the gospel of men being trash. I’m not here to dispute that, but I am here to say that in spite of that, men inspire me. They move and change me. They make me think. They create valleys of emotional depths within me that I’m terrified, to say the absolute least, to explore. But I chose to explore those valleys today and I am grateful.

In those valleys I chose to focus on where I went wrong — where I fucked up. To keep it a buck, I’ve been making men apologize to me my entire romantic life. Probably pissed off about my not knowing my father and my stepfather being a live-in, fleshed out ghost. They had to pay. I was making men pay for the sins of the father when they had no hand in my creation. It’s whack, I realized.

Admittedly, I had a touch of selfish reasoning to my penned vulnerabilities — I do not want to continue “loving” like this. Vibrations can only vibrate on the same wavelength. I’m not here to convince you that the energies you emit won’t return to you tenfold. It’s science. And I was/am sick of it. I believe in a love (with a black man, let me be real specific) that isn’t steeped in chaos and toxicity. I have no recollection. Nothing to grasp hold onto in my mental cavities, but I do know that there’s nothing we, as human beings, conceptualize that hasn’t already come to pass. The collective unconsciousness speaks louder in me than I could’ve ever known. It’s possible and I want it, therefore, it has to start with me.

I spent my day expressing my vulnerability truthfully. Keyword being truthfully. I wasn’t going to allow myself to lie to myself, anymore. It’s funny how we think we’re being honest with ourselves until we put pen to paper and realize that mothafuckin hand ain’t moving. Baby, because you ain’t saying nothing. I spent hours writing and I spilled my soul on those pages. I didn’t place blame. I didn’t turn a blind eye to my shame and embarrassment. I told my ego to sit down, we’ll be back later. (I’m going to try to make her sit there awhile though.) And I let it flow. I’m a Cancer sun and moon so you can imagine the dramatics. Tears are full of flavor therefore, so is my writing

And I spoke from my heart. I thanked them for the impact they’ve had on me and my life. I wished them well. I expressed to one that the timing isn’t right — I’ll see you when we’re in our 30s. I prayed and I laughed and I put the spotlight on my insecurities. And I’m grateful because people don’t get or extend these opportunities. People rob themselves daily, minute by minute, of getting the love and fellowship that they truly desire because we won’t extend that hand of honesty and humility. Transparency is non-negotiable. You can’t play this game without your whole heart. What do you think you’re going to get back?

I’m tired. I’m exhausted and I’m planning on napping for the next 3 days. But I’m filled to the brim. I loved and was loved today. I know this to be true.

(If you don’t end up getting a letter please understand that there’s a big, fat FUCK YOU imprinted next to your name in my mental database of the men I’ve loved.)