Before Getting Back Together With Your Ex
By: Annie Tanasugarn
Tags: Self, Relationships, Love, Psychology, Life

“I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them." -Andy Bernard, The Office

Through the Red Tape

The thing is, when we’re caught up in the moment, things are seen as subjective and skewed in our favor and towards a favorable outcome. Hindsight has a way of putting things into perspective and where objectivity is gained.

For example, we may want to believe we shared a rare, Consummate Love with an ex and may want to blow up their phone or email with messages reaching out to them. And, because hindsight may be 20/20; it may be less forgiving — where we’re not overlooking past pain or betrayal out of missing 'the good old days’.

With newfound self-aawareness and objectivity comes an appreciation for what an ex taught us, or the personal growth gained in the process.

But, do these insights point towards giving an old relationship a new chance?

The Verdict

I won’t give you a straight answer.

Because, I can’t.

There’s so many variables in play with everyone’s situations. But, here’s to arriving at your own conclusion based on your own honest assessment.

We know there’s no such thing as a ‘perfect’ relationship, with a ‘perfect’ partner, where everything is….’perfect’. It’s these types of false expectations and idealizations that prevent the love many of us want. So, it becomes a matter of how much imperfection we’re willing — or able — to accept.

By imperfections: Have they evolved and grown, or did they just “move on”? Have you? Are you both at a place of accepting your part in the fallout the first time around, and if so what’s going to be different this time around?

There’s a difference between imperfections and character. No one is perfect. What separates human imperfection from character is empathy. We can have amazing memories with an ex, where imperfections were met with an honest self-assessment; where partners turned to each other for support and direction. And where you both hacked through growth, and probably a few tears in the process.

When empathy is lacking, so is an authentic relationship. It doesn’t matter how many ways a lack of empathy may try to get flipped into humor, excuses, shoulder shrugs or rationalizations; if a person doesn’t want to feel, you can’t make them.

How the relationship started, is a good predictor of how it ended, or how it may end again if nothing has significantly changed. The hottest of beginnings always have the coldest of goodbyes.

When relationships are based on living in the moment, there’s no attention or investment given to long-term. When the focus is on now, so is commitment.

These relationships can start out as a full-throttle adrenaline hit, then fizzle to indifference and a calloused goodbye.

On the flipside, authentic relationships build over time and are based on the same attention and investment that those living for the moment aren’t as concerned about. Authentic relationships are about living in the present and planning for the future.

Mutual respect and boundaries are important in any relationship, but get kicked up to an even higher notch when an intimate relationship is on the line. These are the backbone of a relationship that set the tone for how it will unfold.

Boundaries and respect are equally important to our face as well as behind our back. Partners need to feel secure, and to be able to trust each other. We need to know that what’s being said and done to our face, is aligned with what’s happening when we aren’t looking.

When things like agendas, opportunities or Self-interests are pushed to the front of the line, respect and boundaries move to the back.

Because human imperfections are on a continuum, your level of what you can and should accept become more important as we move along the continuum. One act of infidelity over a “semi” breakup may be aligned with what you’re willing, or able, to accept. For someone else, it’s a deal breaker.

Other things to consider should be one-sided love, imbalances of power and amount of personal growth.

According to Sternberg, one-sided love is Non-Love. Love needs to be reciprocated and it needs to be authentic. When one partner believed it was the real deal because that’s the picture the other partner was painting — it doesn’t make it any more real.

There’s a distinction to be made here. If one partner loved more deeply than the other did, there’s two possible reasons: either they’re unsure how to love where time and emotional investment can help to foster emotional maturity…or, they may not care. If a person doesn’t care, no amount of love will do it for them.

An imbalance if power is seen in how problems are faced, accepted and addressed. Both partners should be allowed a voice and their voice respected. How problems were faced before is a good indication of how they may be solved now, along with areas of growth for both partners. Without a healthy ability to resolve problems, they have a way of growing.

Piggybacking on an imbalance of power, is an imbalance in growth. Growth is many things — physical, psychosocial, philosophical and emotional. It’s common that one person may have been further along in growth the first time around and may be further along now.

While there’s no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed if one or both partbrts are along the growth learning curve, these imbalances will reflect in a relationship. Partners should feel comfortable and trusting enough to let one partner lead when necessary, and to take a backseat when needed. The only way for this to happen us through communication and having those tough talks.