The Price We Pay To Fit In
By: Jordin James
Tags: Psychology, Inspiration, Spirituality, Mental Health, Self

Hi, my sweet lonely feeling.

Hi, sweet Jordin. I’m here again.

Yes, you are. How come? Tell me more.

Well, I come to visit you any time you’re pursuing fitting in rather than belonging.

Oh shit. That’s deep.

It is everything. Belonging is everything. You crave it so much — all parts of you in here long to feel like they belong. I show up when some parts of you don’t feel like they belong.

[As I was writing this, I realized this part had some important things to say to me and I listen better to them when I journal with them instead of type it out. So at the point of the conversation, I moved to my journal].

Okay, lonely part, I can hear you better now. What were you saying?

I am a part of you that feels like it doesn’t belong. So I give you a lonely feeling to let you know I am in distress.

I’m so sorry you don’t feel like you belong. I know it is something I am doing and how our internal system is being run right now. So I want to make it better. Tell me more.

Well when you go see these friends, a bunch of your other parts jump in and push me aside. They are the parts that jump in and try to impress other people. When those parts are in charge, you become more interested in fitting in that including all of us. That makes those of us not included feel lonely. It makes us feel like like you did when you were alone in your room listening to the cool kids plan the game outside that you weren’t invited to play with them.

Oh, sweetie. I know that feeling. Wow. I am so sorry. What do you need from me to feel included?

I need you to not hide away parts of yourself, including me, in order to fit in. I need you to care less about fitting in with other people and more about belonging to yourself.

Damn. Yes. Thank you for framing it this way. Wow this is a huge realization. So what does that look like?

I guess it looks like checking in wtih the parts like me who feel lonely and hearing our voices, including us in the game or party, not trying to hide us away but taking the time to get to know us. We are important parts of you, too.

You are. I’m sorry — another part of me in here is jumping in saying there isn’t enough time one sec.

[Another part of me kept jumping in and reminding me of the time, worried I won’t have enough time to go into too much detail with this part. It also kept reminding me that my boyfriend wanted to spend time with me this morning and so I better hurry up and make sure I do that. I tried to get this part to step back so I could talk to my lonely part more but this part refused and kept getting louder. There is more work to do with this part but since I was short on time, I just had to be honest and start bringing the conversation with my lonely part to a close.]

Okay, this part is insistant and not stepping back. I bet this makes you feel even lonelier that this part is trying to drag me away from talking with you.

Yeah it used to make me feel lonelier but now I know not to take it so personally. I know this part is just trying to protect you also. What I’ve shared with you is enough for now. I’ll keep speaking up through loneliness if you’re out of alignment with belonging to yourself. But for now can you just check in with me when we’re at the party? That would really make me feel like you understand and are working to help us all in here feel like we belong together.

Yes of course. Thank you so much for being so tender and understanding and wise. I will check in with you tonight when I have some moments to myself. Give you a hug or a high-five!

That would be great, thank you! Thank you for stopping to talk with me even. I already feel like I belong more!

Great! Yay! Yeah, this is new for me so thank you for being my teacher. I know this conversation doesn’t solve the root of it and there is still much to discuss but I am committed to taking these small baby steps toward an inner system where all my parts feel like they belong.

Love it. Muah! Now let’s go have some fun!