Indifference is the Opposite of Love: Moving Away From an Abuser
By: Kathy Berman
Tags: Relationships, Domestic Violence, Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Healing From Abuse

Photo by Paola Chaaya on Unsplash

The opposite of love isn’t hate. The opposite is indifference. When you no longer have feelings for someone, you have no reaction to them. When you feel hate, there is still emotion for that person there.



This is the reason abusers can hold on to the abused. Anger may be covering hurt or feelings of entitlement. Generally, unless the abuser has a spiritual experience, the abused must move either emotionally and/or physically away from the abuser.



No real reform comes except from a contrite heart. Separation while recovery is taking place can bring quicker results as this leaves both parties more opportunity for self-reflection.

From Escaping Narcissistic Abuse — the Mt. Everest of Recovery:

Read blogs. There is no shortage of good blogs out there. Google whatever is on your mind that day and read, read, read. When you find your story in someone else’s, save that blogs and read it over and over again.

Take Quizzes . As with blogs, there is no shortage of quizzes you can take to ascertain if you were abused, or if your ex is a narcissist. Take them. And, when you have doubts, take them again. And Again!

As with blogs, there is no shortage of quizzes you can take to ascertain if you were abused, or if your ex is a narcissist. Take them. And, when you have doubts, take them again. And Again! Write. Usually referred to as journaling, many of us feel incapable of writing. Write your grocery list if that is all you can manage. Write about the weather. Write gibberish, draw silly pictures, make up nonsensical poems or stories. Write down all the reasons you believe what I’m telling you to do is bullshit. The goal is to put pen to paper every single day. A new habit. Do it for a month and see what happens. Worse case scenario, you’ve wasted some paper and ink. Hopefully though, at the end of the month you will start writing something that helps you; clarifies your story, provides the next step, answers a question.

With these steps you are well on your way to recovery. You are now settled into your base camp of recovery. If you follow climbers, you know that they spend a period of time at base camp, acclimating to this new normal, before heading to camp 2. You will remain at your base camp for a while. It will take a period of time for you to acclimate to this new life. Like any new endeavor, this will not be easy, and it will not be comfortable.

Be patient but firm with yourself. Remember that this is part of the process. More importantly, these are the 1st steps in the process. You can not build a new life until you set this new foundation. Like a new home, the foundation is the part that holds the house up. If the foundation has cracks in it, the house will fall. Make sure that the time you spend at this base camp is firmly in place, so that the foundation of your recovery is strong enough to support you in the steps to come.”

From Healing from Gaslighting:

“Because that’s what gaslighting is — emotional abuse. But it’s a specific kind of emotional abuse. In gaslighting, one person in a relationship (romantic or familial) denies the other’s perception of reality and works to convince the gaslightee that he or she is the crazy one in the relationship. As in other forms of emotional abuse, the gaslighter may try to isolate the victim from friends and relatives, give intermittent reinforcement (insincere apologies) that draw the victim back into the relationship, or denigrate the person with insults.

But the heart of gaslighting is that denial of the other person’s reality. The abuser says, in effect: You can’t trust your own feelings. My view of the world is accurate and yours isn’t. You’re crazy. (Of course, the gaslighter may also use the familiar techniques of emotional abuse as well: isolation, insults, projection, and belittling.) But gaslighting is unique because the perpetrator distorts a person’s world view, sense of self-worth, and belief in him- or herself.

Healing from gaslighting is not easy, but it can be done. Here is some advice from me, a person who was a victim of gaslighting but is now healing.”

From The Most Important Thing to Do If Someone Confides in You About Abuse:

“Over the last six years since I made the decision to leave my ex and begin the healing processes, what I have found to be true is that it wasn’t the abuse from my ex-husband that was so traumatizing to me in the long term. It was the Double Abuse from my pastor and friends who responded in similarly harmful ways. When I reached out to them for help, their judgmental responses to my abuse took its toll on me. I still work to mend the brokenness in my soul from Double Abuse… even today.

Along with principal founder Annette Oltmans, we co-founded The M3ND Project to shine a light on the Double Abuse harming countless victims in our society. The M3ND Project defines Double Abuse as what happens when a victim of any kind of Primary Abuse (bullying, rape, domestic violence, etc) finally gains the courage to speak out or reach out for help. Instead of being received with compassion, empathy and acceptance by her support system, she is ostracized from her family and/or community or subjected to judgment, ultimatums or incorrect therapeutic treatment.

Whether intentional or unintentional, Doubly Abusive responses often lead the victim to feel hopeless and alone and can contribute to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PSTD) and Complex PTSD. For example, my pastor thought he was responding to me in love, but his ultimatums were traumatizing and harmful. When I needed hope and a compassionate ear, he turned his back on me and refused to listen. And I will never forget that moment.

It’s important to recognize the power in our words, the harm we might do to another if we don’t slow down enough to be present, show compassion and really listen to someone if they are confiding in us about the trauma they’ve experienced or abuse they may be enduring. Often, we believe we know what’s best and we want to express that, or we want to fix the situation and give uninvited advice. What ends up happening is that we cause a victim exponentially more pain, making it that much harder for her to heal.”

All my Medium work — Kathy Berman’s Emotional Sobriety