Diners, Drive-ins, And Dives: Witchcraft Edition
By: Jl Matthews
Tags: Humor, Television, Culture, Food, Satire

[GUY closes the door of his candy-apple red ’67 Camaro]

GUY: Now, we got room for all kinds of funky joints here on Triple D, but man, we’re taking it to a whole ‘nother level today. See, we’re here in Salem, Massachusetts — right down the street is the Salem Witch Museum. And from what I’ve been told, there’s a particular Wiccan joint that serves up all sorts of wacky stuff, and believe it or not — children! So I gotta check this place out! This (pointing to sign) is Wiccan Pissah!

[Cut Scene: Owner (MARIAH) and chef (LEAH) preparing and delivering meals to various apathetic customers. One of them remarks, “I love the food because it reminds me of the inevitability of death.”]

GUY (voiceover): The ladies who run this joint are Leah Proctor and Mariah Hale. And they know their stuff — they’ve been practicing Wiccans for twenty years now.

GUY: How’d you meet?

MARIAH: During her initiation — at the beach.

LEAH: She branded me.

GUY (unbelieving): Come on!

[MARIAH hikes up LEAH’s Wiccan robes to briefly reveal the mark of the devil on her left butt-cheek]

GUY: Whoa! Alright. So this is real-deal occult worship you’re doing here?

MARIAH: Yep, entirely authentic.

GUY (voiceover): Leah and Mariah are walking the walk when it comes to their menu, too. They’ve fused classic medieval Wiccan recipes with modern techniques and ingredients.

GUY: So what are we making today?

LEAH: Our best-seller. It’s a burger called The Child Sacrifice.

[Cue record needle scratch; GUY looks dramatically to camera.]

GUY (to LEAH): What?!? Children meat? Like Children-Children meat?

[LEAH bites her lip sheepishly and shrugs. Then, she produces a stainless steel mixing bowl containing exotic ground meat.]

GUY (voiceover): Oh man, your boy loves some Picante flavors — but cannibalism? Is that a stop on the way to flavor town?

GUY: Alright, I get it — secret ingredient. So, whatever this is, what are we combining it with?

LEAH: One pound of (air-quotes) ‘baby’ meat, five pounds veal, ten pounds chuck.

GUY (oddly unconcerned at the prospect of eating human flesh): Seasoning?

LEAH: Kosher salt, black pepper, garlic powder, valerian, and sage.

GUY: We form up the patties now?

LEAH: We marinate it first — water, Worcestershire sauce, brown sugar, rue, eye of newt, and some sriracha.

GUY: How long’s that gonna sit?

LEAH: Overnight — preferably with a full moon.

GUY: Ok, they’re done marinating, now we shape these into patties?

LEAH: Yep, 8 ounces per patty.

GUY: That’s a lot of meat.

LEAH: It’s still a ‘baby’ burger though…

GUY (aside to camera): She knows how to play up a name, huh?

GUY: Alright, patties are cooking. What are we topping these ‘babies’ with?

LEAH: Blood aioli.

GUY: Let’s see it.

LEAH (adding ingredients to a stockpot): Mayo, kosher salt, black pepper, cilantro, lime juice, cayenne pepper, three ancho chiles, and goat blood.

GUY: That’s a lot of goat blood…

LEAH (ignoring GUY): Combine.

GUY: Ok, hitting it with the immersion blender.

[LEAH finishes, GUY dips his pinky into the mixture and paints the tip of his tongue with the aioli. GUY gives LEAH a ‘you gotta be kidding’ look. Without saying a word, he picks up the stockpot, puts it under his arm, and takes a few steps towards the exit.]

GUY (still walking): It’s no good; I’m just gonna take this with me —

GUY (now back in frame and eating the blood aioli with a soup spoon): I’ve had some great aiolis on Triple D, but that is outstanding. I was a little worried when you added so much goat blood, because that can really overpower the chilies and the cilantro. But, well done, I could eat that off a witch’s hat.

LEAH: Thank you! Alright, burgers are done.

GUY: Ok, time to plate?

LEAH: Yep. We use a brioche bun, add our blood aioli, some frisée, and hand-cut fries.

[GUY takes an imposing stance over the plate. His elbows swing out as if he’s about to cluck like a chicken. He loosens his neck and assumes the ‘hunch’ position. Then, GUY lifts the burger to his face and shoves in three bites. Seconds later, still chewing, an impressed look comes over his face.]

GUY (loudly): Shut the front door!

GUY: This is crazy good! A nice, tender bun, it’s soft, it’s moist. The meat is unctuous; it’s got good chew. Where have these been all my life?

LEAH: Thank you!

GUY: You get the fat from the chuck, the veal comes through, and whatever that ‘baby’ meat is, it really gives you something —

LEAH (smiling): Soulful?

GUY (giving LEAH a smirk): I’ll just let you do the show, ok?

GUY: Seriously though, what makes it for me is that blood aioli — it’s got heat, some freshness from the cilantro, the earthiness of the goat blood — a home run — well done!

LEAH (fist-bumping with Guy): Thanks!

GUY (voiceover): But I’m not the only one singing the praises of The Child Sacrifice.

[Cut to GUY sitting at a two-top with Stevie Nicks.]

GUY: Look who I ran into here — Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductee, Stevie Nicks! So tell me, what is it about this place?

STEVIE: I love that it reminds me of sadness and children and the longing of a life not lived. Also, the onion rings are fantastic.

GUY (voiceover): And those are the sorts of ‘Rumors’ that the ladies of Wiccan Pissah love to hear!