5 Lessons That “Normal” People Can Learn From Narcissists
By: Kristina H
Tags: Toxic Relationships, Breakups, Mental Health, Relationships, Narcissism

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5 Lessons That “Normal” People Can Learn From Narcissists

When we think of narcissistic behavior, a few negative qualities come into mind. They are selfish, egocentric, manipulative, often abusive, and typically unkind. They are also people who know how to love bomb when they need to, in order to make themselves seem heartfelt, genuine and overly kind.

I have had experiences with female narcissistic people, as well as male. Through my time with them, I learned that narcissism does not depend on gender. In fact, they were so much alike, it was eerie. Both of them were very passive aggressive, both very self centered and privileged, equally abusive, and identically disrespectful. They each had their own tone of rudeness and they both had ways of making people feel less than, because of their gaslighting and manipulation.

Since I have left both of these toxic relationships, I cannot help but feel empathy and pity for narcissist people. They are so muddied with insecurities and complexes that they are unaware of ow they actually treat people. Love means something completely different to narcs. They cannot love deeply because they are so conflicted with their own wants and desires. It is quite sad. They cannot see past their own greed and control issues to be able to love without condition.

I could go on and on about the damage that narcissists can do, and have done to me, over the years, but that isn’t the point of this piece of writing. In my world, I always try to find the positives in people, even if they aren’t always easy to identify. I believe that everyone has qualities that are important, positive, and productive, regardless of how toxic they seem.

With that said, I have been able to note some benefits that narcissistic people have, that us “normal” people could learn from:

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Narc Lessons:

Cutting toxic people out of your life- Narcissistic people have no problem completely eliminating people from their world. They delete photos, throw away mementos, and act like their ex relationships never existed. Normal people could learn from this. It would make life so much less stressful if we eliminated those who have done us harm. Imagine turning off your empathy enough to pretend you neve had feelings or emotions toward someone. How much lighter would we feel! As an empath, this is one of my worst qualities. I tend to keep everyone from my past within reach, because I feel guilt making the cut. Not concerning themselves with other people’s opinions- Narcissistic people rarely value the opinions of others. They believe that they are superior, in intelligence, appearances, and performance, and if someone says otherwise, they don’t care. The narcissists in my life would make enemies of people who dared to argue or disagree with them. This may be a bit extreme, but “normal” people would benefit from not caring about how other people feel. It would allow us the freedom of opening up our minds, while we learn to stand up for ourselves and our beliefs. Too often, empathetic normal people will avoid conflict or debates, to please others. We also may pretend to agree, to save face. If we could shut off everyone’s judgement of us, we would all be much happier. They express love when they want to- This is a tricky quality. However, in my experience, there is nothing more romantic than being swept off of your feet and spoiled by someone who professes their undying love for you. It makes you feel good, and it fills your emotional cup. I feel like everyone should feel this way when they are with someone they love. The unfortunate part is when the narcissist stops and changes into a Jekyll instead of the Hyde that you hoped for. The narc love bombs to get themselves out of trouble or to keep their victims when they fear abandonment. This is very unhealthy, but through their panic, they will give gifts, dangle carrots for the future and say all the nice things to keep their victim. Love bombing isn’t all bad, if it’s for the right reasons. Normal people can love bomb also, but they do it much differently than the narc. Maybe it’s a romantic date, a night of dancing and passion, or a thoughtful gift. We all deserve to be spoiled a little, just not out of guilt or with conditions attached. They have pride- Narcissists are like male lions or peacocks. They have a lot of self esteem (from the outside). Most narcissists are typically quite arrogant and can be overbearing. This goes for both female and male narcs. I know the female narc in my life could honestly never pass a mirror without checking her hair or her butt, and the male narcissist had to, on a daily basis get words of affirmation from me, before he would puff up and go off to work. They simply NEED to feel good about themselves through other people’s eyes. Even if they don’t care what people think, they CARE about what people think. Normal people need the confidence that narcissists exude. We don’t need to be arrogant, but we do need to find our self esteem and feel good about ourselves, perhaps not in the fake way that narcissists do, but we have every right to have self pride. They have good taste in partners and they choose carefully-Not to toot my own horn, but I am honestly a good person. I try to be honest and respectful to everyone, regardless if I agree with everything they do or are. I try to be thoughtful, gracious and grateful of everyone and everything. Yet, I fell victim to narcissistic people more than twice in my life. Looking back at my relationships, and reading/researching what type of people narcissists are attracted to has struck a chord with me. They NEED kind people. They NEED empathetic people, and they most certainly need loyal people. They require kind people who are naïve to the narcissistic nature, so that they can manipulate them. In fact, if you are the type who is brutally honest, quick to argue or defend yourself, and not openly kind, the narcissist will kick you to the curb faster than you can flip them off. The lesson that normal people can learn though, from the narc, is to choose our partners carefully. Make sure they are the type that will fill your bucket while you fill theirs’. Narcissists take their time to carefully pick through their candidates, and so should we. Normal people do this for the right reasons though, whereas the narc is looking for the right, soft hearted, kind person to come along so that they can strip them of all of their good qualities.

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All in all, are narcissistic people good to have in your life? Probably not, unless you can somehow find a way to live with them, without self sabotage. With that said, I strongly feel that every person has to have some good qualities, or how else would they build relationships?

I am always in awe when I see that my ex narcissist has so many friends that tolerate his antics. Yet, when we were together, our mutual friends dumped us, telling me that they couldn’t stand him or the way he treated me.( I am still friends with them, now that I have left.)But he is skilled at his narc craft and manipulation. He only keeps people in his life if he can gain something from them, and I have seen this first hand, time and time again. If his “friends” have nothing to offer him, he will cut them out of his life, without apology or guilt.

I suppose in many ways, narcissistic people have a certain level of strength that normal people don’t always have. They calculate and manipulate to get what they want or need, and they make everyone around them envious or inferior to them, wishing they had everything the narc has. I often wondered, when I was with the narcissist if his behavior was on conscious level, and if he intentionally premeditated how shitty he treated me, or if it was just second nature for him to insult and belittle me. I guess I will never know.

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What We Can Learn

The narc is a strong willed, determined, self serving person who has multiple faults and incorrect wiring in how they treat people. What we normal people can learn is that it’s not wrong to be strong willed or driven. In fact, that is how we find successes.

As normal, empathetic people, we have this innate ability to make choices of how we treat people. We have the compassion and empathy to put ourselves in other people’s shoes, to experience how they feel. We also have the ability to choose who is toxic in our life and who empties our buckets. Perhaps we can learn to eliminate them from our worlds the way the narc does.

I am just grateful that I got out of these toxic relationships and that looking back from the outside, I can differentiate what I should have and should not have tolerated. Although I try not to have regrets for allowing myself to be manipulated so badly, I now understand the how and why I was.

Narcissists are a dangerous breed of human being, and sadly they are typically designed this way in childhood. They learn these traits from their parents. In the cases and experiences I had with both the female and male narcs in my past, I can vouch for the fact that their parents were definitely catalysts in the qualities that the narcs have. Both of their parents were egotistical, obnoxious and controlling. Again, I feel empathy and pity for people with narcissistic behaviors and traits. It cannot be easy to be them.

I have learned, after distancing myself from past toxic relationships, that not ALL of the qualities of the narcissist are awful. They do have some values to teach us, in their own distorted way. I opened my heart and made attempts time and time again to show my love to the narcs in my life, which fell on deaf and blind hearts, and that’s okay. The struggle was when I tried to leave them behind.

As it turns out, it is just a matter of time until they land their next victim, and once they do, you will finally find your freedom.