Why Dating Apps Rarely Work. Or at least a useless distraction
By: Marcus Griswold
Tags: Dating App, Technology, Love, Psychology, Dating

I remember back in high school and college I would make friends with a girl, get to know her, then a small percentage might end up becoming a “girlfriend”. We might do something simple like go to a movie, have a picnic, make out in the back of a car. You know pretty vanilla stuff.

And damn was it easy, because we had already spent a couple of months getting to know each other, to see if we even go along. Yes, that’s right several months and no sex. I might as well be a catholic school girl…well I was an acolyte in church.

You might wonder why this forty-some year old is talking about high school and college? That’s because until 3 years ago I was married to my college sweetheart. So, needless to say, I dove into dating apps, a mix between a deer in the headlights and a kid in a candy store.

Now, I’ve tried nearly all of the apps — the bee, the flame, the okay dokey, the fish, the joint that opens a door, the curvy singles, and other lower-quality apps. (Side note, if you figured out what apps I am actually talking about you’re probably as addicted as I was.)

I’ve tried them all because I don’t actually have a type, much to the disappointment of the person I am dating. By the way, I’m fairly certain I am supposed to say my type is “you” to the person asking the question. I guess brutal honesty is not a good trait for dating.

We all know swiping is mindless. How many of us do it while drunk, let our teenage kid or friend do it, or just swipe mindlessly while binge-watching Shameless?

I’ll be honest, at the end of this maddening game of whack-a-mole sent to us from the tech devils, I just started swiping everyone just to see who was swiping me. No surprise, mostly outdoorsy, down to earth women. A perfect fit had I met another way, but the app approach leaves much to be desired.

I feel a bit bad about the large queue of people I have not responded to until I talk to my female friends who have what sounds like thousands of suitors in waiting. Hopefully, your knight in shining armor isn’t number 1,000.

John William Waterhouse

Do Dating Apps Work?

People who have used a dating site or app say the experience left them feeling more frustrated (45%) than hopeful (28%).

The Pew Research Center found that “particularly younger women — report being harassed or sent explicit messages on these platforms.” Early on I remember being the only person a woman would meet, based solely on the fact that I didn’t ask her to have sex with me or send an explicit photo. I mean really, if it doesn’t work in a bar or at the gym, why would it work here. It’s called sexual harassment.

But are people actually forming real relationships? The same study says that 12% of people using online dating apps formed a meaningful relationship or got married. Okay just to be clear for every 10 dates 1 might work out, or more realistically, every 100 dates 10 might work out. This is better than 3% reported in 2013.

What about the other 9 in 10 people? Well apparently, more than half find their soul mate through a friend.

Are People Being Authentic?

According to Eharmony, 53% of people lie on their dating profiles about their age, height or weight, and job or income level. This seems about right. I’ve heard most of my dates comment about the guy who was shorter, older, or balder than his profile. Of course, there are the military scams where someone desperately needs to get back to the U.S., and if only you would send money his way you would fall deeply in love. Then there are the escorts. Yes, there are escorts on these apps.

Even if you get past the physical deceptions, then there’s the question of what else they are lying about. A 2019 study of 1,700 Tinder users found that 22% of users were married and 44% were involved in a relationship. Now it did not distinguish the all too common ethical non-monogamy, but still, that number is pretty astonishing.

Lack of authenticity isn’t just a problem early on but goes all the way to the end. And the worst part of it all, almost half of these online relationships end by email. That’s actually a bit surprising to me. I thought it was by text or even worse, just ghosting the person.

Addiction and Compulsive Behavior

Even worse, these apps are a big distraction, and I would argue, in some ways predatory.

I was the poster child of using dating apps as a distraction. Have a deadline? Swipe right. Hate my commute? Swipe right. Watching a boring show? Swipe right.

I would commit to leaving the apps, uninstall every one of them, only to slowly add them back again. Apparently I am not alone. Millennials spend up to 20 hours a week swiping and trying to find their perfect mate. As a parent with a full-time job and side work, I can’t imagine what I would do with 20 extra hours.

“I am unable to reduce the amount of time I spend on dating apps.” — Ohio State University study

This is no mistake. App creators know that gamifying dating can send a shot of endorphins like serotonin and dopamine into our system, reducing anxiety and making us feel better — giving us that feeling of being high.

In fact a study out of Australia in March 2020 found that people who used swipe-based dating apps were more likely to be depressed, anxious, and feel distressed than those who did not. Maybe this is why as I have recovered from my divorce I have been less and less drawn into app-based dating.