Raising a Transgender Person. When a person comes out as a…
Tags: Transgender Rights, LGBTQ, Transgenderchild, Transgender, Pride

When a person comes out as a transgender, it’s a tremendous journey not just for this person but also the people around them — especially the parents. It takes a lot for a human being to grapple, understand and painstakingly accept being trapped in the wrong body. The coming out, is their claim to freedom — and a necessary right to life. For the Parents — it’s a dreaded territory they fight and largely hope against, with all their might and denial.

In one of my first experiences of talking to the parents of a trans man, I’m left feeling both emotional and overwhelmed. When a parent begins to realize that the child is ‘othered’ from the mainstream, and there is nothing left to do, except fight that relentless battle from the sidelines — it’s a devastation, beyond any scope of understanding.

I tried to be as brave as they were, and realized with dawning understanding, that this was perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.

As a society, we are far more accepting of a man transitioning into a woman (trans woman), however the trans men community is the one that’s largely lesser known and least understood or simply brushed off as too complex.

The parents came from a tiny village where everybody knew everybody. If anyone even spoke of a ‘love marriage’, they were looked at with contempt. If anyone was to dare commit the crime, the family was quickly ostracized and largely forgotten, with a simple nod of banishment. Despite being embedded in a circumstance that stifling the parents reached out to us, when they found out that their child had reached out to us for employment.

From the beginning to the end of the conversation, the parents were confused but welcoming of hearing what I had to say. They understood that we all come with vast differences and they wanted to simply understand if this was ‘normal’; and did not pertain to them not having done something right or raising their child well — like all other ‘normal’ people. I fought hard inside my head, to say the right things to this mother and father. How do I rid them of their guilt? How do I tell them, in the right way, that some of us are born so differently, that we need to ask for a different body?

Was there an emotional and mental turmoil in hiding one’s true identity? Are there more people like this? Is this just a phase, can we hope for it to ‘go away on its own’? Is there a puja we can perform? Can they be given medication to rectify this? The more they asked, the more I answered.

We often hear that parents don’t support their trans kids, which is why they leave homes. But here I see, someone from a small village, with probably no basic education, showing the willingness to support and care for their child. They have never been part of a large city, or been part of the larger system- their world was small and cloistered, and hence their battle much bigger. Yet, they were willing to stand by their child, willing to be ‘othered’, but refusing to give up on the fight. There was confusion, there was guilt, there was palpable anxiety, lining the creases of their faces — but I also saw determination and courage. In plenty.

What we need, is more of their stories. And many more open conversations that help parents understand, that help let them breathe.

Life can be so diverse, and mysterious for so many of us. We often ask of ourselves, does it makes sense to fight a specific battle or receive an ending like this? Embarking on a change, that’s life altering. The beauty is in not trying to make sense of everything that comes our way. We may not always be aware of the secrets of the universe but what we can do in our existence — is to give, to become more compassionate and kind to another being.

Help one life breathe easier.

Written by: Aishwarya Santosham

Story narrated by: Neelam Jain