9 Christmas Recipes This Jewish Person Will Be Making Immediately
By: Shani Silver
Tags: Food, Humor, Holidays, Writing, Christmas

Latkas aren’t candy canes. I said it.

Photo by Jill Wellington from Pexels

I love Christmas! Jesus Christ, there’s the truth. After a lifetime of lying to others and myself about preferring Hanukkah and its waxy chocolate coins to a holiday literally covered in glitter, twinkle lights, and cookies in shapes, I feel the need to tell the truth. There’s no shame in loving the colors red and green when used together! I’m allowed to like Christmas! It’s where they hide all the good treats!

In the spirit of the holidays, and of baked goods, I offer this shortlist of must-make Christmas recipes for those of us who grew up having to pretend we didn’t want them. I want it all, I want it now, and I don’t care if they come from the North Pole or Trader Joe’s, they will be mine.

Photo via NYT Cooking

Peppermint Bark: Do I want to pay $30 a box for the stuff from Williams Sonoma? Yes. Am I going to? Eventually, probably. But in the meantime, what if I got really, really good at making my own peppermint bark? What if that became like…my thing? I mean it’s a four-ingredient recipe I think I can nail it.

Photo via Half Baked Harvest

Sparkling Christmas Party Punch: I think I audibly gasped when I saw this recipe. Leaving out the vodka of course, as it is the Devil’s mouthwash, this party punch looks DELIGHTFUL even if your party simply includes you and the cat, which mine does. I mean seriously, be in a bad mood with one of these in your hand, I dare you.

Photo via Dinner At The Zoo

Christmas Crack: Not sure how I feel about the word “crack” in recipes, but I do fully support saltine cracker toffee that I intend to top with crushed candy canes and consume straight from the pan while watching The Family Stone.

Photo via Half Baked Harvest

Christmas Eve Chex Mix: Is this a thing?? I thought Chex Mix was a television snack for all seasons, but apparently there are special versions for Christmas? I mean if it isn’t a thing it is most certainly about to BE a thing in my house. Also I feel like I’m going to add Chez-Its, is that cool?

Photo via Brit + Co

Vegan Slow Cooker Hot Chocolate: Technically you can make this recipe whenever you want, but believe that I will stick a candy cane in the top of this and probably spike it at some point. I also love the idea of a crock pot full of hot cocoa gently simmering away all day. Yes I want my life to smell like Willy Wonka’s house, what of it?

Photo via Mary Berry, a queen.

Mincemeat Pies: Let me be clear, these will be made from scratch, without any of this from-a-jar mincemeat nonsense. It’s not that I hate mincemeat from a jar, it’s just that making your own makes the house smell so nice why on earth would you skip it?? I have my own recipe for the stuff that I haven’t bothered to write down, mostly because it involves using whatever I happen to have in the house at the time, but this recipe by Mary Berry is the closest to what I aim for each year, just use bourbon for the booze, this is America.

Photo via Half Baked Harvest.

Christmas Ale Sangria: Again, leave out the demon vodka, but apart from that this recipe looks like a DELIGHTFULLY UNBORING way to drink beer. Part of me sees a theme, in that you can add orange slices and pomegranate arils to pretty much anything and make it “Christmas,” but if the fruit fits…

Buddy The Elf Cookies: These look like complete CHAOS but they’ve got to be worth attempting for the photographic evidence alone, no? Also in researching recipes for this post I did learn that you can pretty much bring anything together with melted marshmallows and butter and have yourself a merry little Christmas.

Photo via Jamie Oliver

Baked Camembert: Oh you bet your ass.

Tell me, what have I missed in terms of Christmas recipes? You’ll notice I left out all main course options, as I am uninterested in anything that has to be eaten in a formal setting. This is Christmas, not a Bar Exam, let’s have some fun.

Leave your recipe ideas in the comments, bonus points if candy canes are involved!

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Shani Silver is a humor essayist and podcaster based in Brooklyn who writes on Medium, frequently.