10 Years With Arthritis — Bedridden 80–90% of the day
By: He Ka
Tags: Personal, Life Lessons, Marriage, Immigrants, Life Stories

Personal life lessons from a sassy 94 year old woman.

@jplenio on unsplash

I met this sweet old lady in a volunteer program.

We met once a week. I provided some company, and she provided some insight and wisdom.

Here are a couple life lessons she has shared with me:

What is the toughest emotion or event you have had to deal with?

Going to the doctor’s, asking for a cure, and seeing my health slowly get worse day-by-day.

I want answers that solve my arthritis.

I feel pain all over my body.

Being given medication that alleviates pain is not helping. It makes me feel groggy and weak. I tell my doctor, I am hurting, and he says that this is the best he can do.

Accepting that my body feels heavy and tired is so hard. It is so incredibly hard. I can’t do anything, but accept my current situation.

Has your health condition affected your personal relationships?

I would look into my husband’s eyes and see we are no longer the same people. We have changed, we are physically much weaker. When I need someone to lean on, he is there. But, he does not have the same strength as before. I would want to be adjusted in bed — to be more comfortable — but it is not possible sometimes. He might be sleeping, and I have no one else to call to help me.

He would help me when he is awake, but I can tell his health is not that great either. Luckily, he can walk, but with a cane and leaning on the walls.

I try to make sure to have water and other essentials, in case of emergency. Otherwise, I need to accept the stiffness and numbness that spreads throughout my body.

We sleep in separate beds, and it is like living with a caretaker or roommate, not like husband and wife. We had a very passionate marriage, so seeing that change overtime has made me appreciate the vows we made to each other. Having him is better than being alone.

Other than your husband, do you have other relationships?

When I see my children, they come and go as fast as I blink my eyes. My grandchildren are a bit afraid of me. I cannot hold them or cook for them.

I wish so much, that I can cook for them, but I can’t. It hurts my heart.

My youngest granddaughter just entered kindergarten, so I don’t know if I will be around to see her grow up. I wonder if she will know about her heritage and roots. My daughter is much more involved with her husband’s family. We barely see her and the grandchildren.

Since my husband and I probably won’t be around for long, I try not to nag for them to come. It might make them sad seeing us like this… weak and tired.

When I was young, the last thing I thought about was death.

The past couple years, I wake up and fall asleep with these thoughts, about how I am living the last days of my life.

What is your most cherished memory?

Raising and caring for my family. I love my husband and children.

Actually, can I add this? The way my husband and I met… he relentlessly pursued me. We were both immigrant workers, working in a factory in Ontario. He would always try to convince me to cook for him. We both had no family and we became each other’s support system, quite quickly.

He always smelled so bad though, but I love him so much.

What was your experience like as an immigrant?

A lot of hard work. I was always so sore at the end of the day. I was so strong back then, and I think I took advantage of it too much. I should have slowed down.

I have had all kinds of jobs. I worked in a factory. I worked in a grocery store handling fruits and vegetables. I was a hairdresser for more than 25 years.

I think you would look much better with a shorter hairstyle, sweetheart. If I could get out of bed, I would have given you the haircut myself. I learned how to perm hair too, and if your hair curls in, it looks much more youthful.

I did construction work too. I was always working within a couple feet standing next to my husband.

I learned how to paint, sew, and do custom window blinds.

All young people need to know this… do not stand on cold concrete floors for long hours. When I was a hairdresser, I would stand for so many hours. It does not make you feel good.

Get shoes that keep your feet flat and warm. Do not try to be a fashionista when it comes to your feet. I think it contributed to my arthritis. Taking small actions to care for my body every day is what I think could have helped with my arthritis.

Do you feel like that period in your life went by fast?

There was always a rush to get something done. I had to make sure to have a job, cook, care for the kids and their schooling, keep the family happy, and be on time.

My children are all grown up, with their own families. It is nice for them to visit, but they rarely do. I dedicated my entire life to raising them. I want them to have jobs that were not like the jobs I had.

I had to learn English and French in order to communicate and survive. It was so hard during that time.

I had to learn on the spot, and ask for help. Don’t be afraid to ask, or else you won’t know anything.

My husband and I, we just worked, because that is what we had to do.