We Judge The Most In Others What We Hate In Ourselves
By: Anastasia Summersault
Tags: Self Improvement, Happiness, Work, Life, Psychology

Good Analyst, Bad Analyst

Here’s an exercise for you. Next time, when you feel an urge to judge someone, make a conscious effort to pause and ask yourself what makes you feel so strongly about them. Analyzing your own criticisms can provide you with profound insights into who you are and what you really want.

As for me, until recently, I have been that over-achieving, super-ambitious, type-A-personality person that takes her job very seriously and holds herself to a high standard. I have been promoted three times in my company, and all my superiors have been very impressed with all the work I have done. Last year, we hired a couple of new junior analysts, fresh out of college, and it became my job to mentor and train them to ease them into the work process.

One of the analysts was very diligent and responsible, while the other was a pain in the ass.

He would roll into the office late, consistently miss the deadlines, be late for important meetings, ignore my emails, and do very sloppy work. He took time off for a vacation within a few months after starting the job. I had to chase him to complete a task, and he would swear it would be done the next day, although, of course, it rarely was.

I know. He does sound like a terrible employee.

However, while a lot of his transgressions really were legitimately problematic, some of them were much less so than others. For example, we don’t have a set time when people absolutely must come into the office — some people come earlier and leave earlier (like myself — I am an early bird), while others come in later and stay later. So technically, this analyst’s habit of coming in at 8:45 am instead of 8:00 am isn’t the end of the world, because he usually would stay until 6:00 pm.

But it pissed me off.

And you know what, it wasn’t even the transgressions themselves that enraged me. Rather, it was his attitude. He comes from a privileged background; wealthy family, private schools — the whole package. The truth is, he probably didn’t have to worry about money, so he really didn’t stress much over the job and instead just did it at his own comfortable pace. He was very personable and outgoing and didn’t seem to get any anxiety over any of the mistakes he had made. He took his responsibilities at will and wasn’t afraid of repercussions.

Oh boy, there’s so much for me to be judgmental of.

And I was. For a while, I couldn’t get over how irresponsible and dismissive he was, until one day I realized that it really wasn’t about him. It was about me and my issues stemming from being raised by a narcissistic mother.

I was raised to be an over-achiever. Since childhood, I have been in constant pursuit of credentials and titles to decorate myself with because I never felt like being who I am was enough; I felt like I had to earn the love of others by collecting accomplishments, and excelling at my job meant getting approval that I so desperately needed. My self-esteem depended on it. Consequently, I was terrified of making a mistake, and even the slightest oversight caused me to tumble into an abyss of self-doubt, self-deprecation, and guilt.

Secretly, I didn’t actually like my job — it’s an intellectually stimulating, cushy job in an esteemed, well-compensated field. However, I got into it for all the wrong reasons, none of which included a genuine interest and emotional engagement. I was really good at it, but my effort wasn’t driven by passion; it was primarily motivated by the boost to my self-worth that my success entailed.

So this guy’s nonchalance and laid-back attitude towards the job made me furious. Because for him, it was a place where he could socialize and learn for fun while earning some money; for me, it was a matter of survival, both financially and emotionally. I almost felt like his non-compliance was a personal attack on my entire being, for, in my mind, he was undoing everything I spent years building to ensure my emotional self-sustenance.

Of course, I was jealous too. I secretly wished I didn’t have to carry all this weight of responsibilities and instead could just take time off and go on vacation somewhere. I wished I didn’t have to constantly earn respect. I wished I didn’t have to be so accomplished to be whole.

I realized that I am not happy with where I was in life, and it’s time for a change. I focused on myself and spent a few months exploring what I really wanted from this life of mine. I started writing again, after more than a decade of not practicing it.

And when I did, a peculiar thing happened. I completely let go of any negative feelings towards my coworker. Sure, he may be slacking off occasionally, but I no longer get all worked up over it.

The moment I acknowledged it was about me, I set myself free.

In Conclusion

Judgment is a big part of the human social experience. Importantly, it is indicative of areas requiring our attention, as we usually judge people for behaviors we wish we could allow ourselves.

When we judge someone, it’s not about them — it’s about us. And we need to listen very carefully to our inner selves to see what it is that bothers us. It can be rooted in our upbringing or social expectations, but the reality is, at the end of the day, all of these standards are self-imposed.

As such, we do have the power to break them, and when we do, we become free. And when you are free, you don’t judge others for their freedom, because you’re too preoccupied with just being happy.