Common Misconceptions About Polyamory
By: Rachael Hope
Tags: Sexuality, Dating, Polyamory, Relationships, Love

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

While it’s incredibly rewarding in a myriad of ways, polyamory is not always easy. It’s often an adventure telling someone new I’m getting to know that I have a boyfriend already, but we’re polyamorous. I never know what to expect. Reactions range from never having heard the word to saying it’s cool to a huge number of misconceptions about what it means to be in an open, polyamorous relationship.

Spreading knowledge is a huge step towards normalizing the life I lead.

I don’t mind helping people understand my relationship. I’ve volunteered extensively at a local adult community center and for my local polyamory meetup group, including leading a discussion group for several years. When flirtation starts to feel more like a Poly 101 class, however, it can dampen the mood. If I could magically provide answers to these misconceptions, it would make things so much easier!

I still get jealous.

The idea that polyamorous people don’t get jealous is one of the most common misconceptions, even from people who have been living as polyamorous or are interested in trying it.

I’ve learned a lot in my half a decade of discovering my polyamory and exploring what it means. When you’re communicating with your partner constantly, you have no choice but to get to know yourself better. Feeling jealous, noticing when I feel jealous, and re-framing jealousy as an emotion that can be a useful tool have had huge advantages.

I don’t fear commitment.

I find this one particularly amusing. The misconception that people in multiple romantic relationships are doing so because they fear commitment is so counter-intuitive. Polyamory is not the same thing as sleeping around, it’s the practice of consensual participation in in more than one romantic relationship at the same time. It actually results in being committed to more than one person at a time.

I have double or triple the commitment I would have with a monogamous partner. If I were afraid of it, practicing polyamory would be its own kind of torture. People who claim to be polyamorous as a way to avoid commitment may exist, but in my experience it’s more likely for those folks to find themselves in a pattern of serial monogamy.

My sex life isn’t unsatisfying.

I’ve deflected the assumption that something is missing in the bedroom again and again. It dovetails nicely with the assumption that I’m looking for casual hookups. Polyamory isn’t about filling a void. It’s about filling my heart. Having sexual relationships with more than one person at a time can be a lot of fun, but the connections I build are also highly nurturing to my soul. To be honest, if my time in the bedroom at home isn’t going well, I don’t have much drive to look for it elsewhere. Polyamory works best when the relationships are healthy, whether you’ve got one, two, or a dozen.

So, why would I want to have sex with someone else if my sex at home is so great? Why do you want to eat out when you have perfectly delicious food at home? Why do people choose to have a second child if they love their first so intensely? When sex and romance get involved, people see it differently, but sharing my heart with more than one person just means more flavor in my life. With more connections, I find more opportunity for joy, more personal growth, and more human connection.

I’m not just cheating with a fancier name.

My boyfriend knows I’m on Tinder and OK Cupid. When I go on a date, I have to schedule it with him first to make sure we don’t have plans and we do have someone to watch our kids. Being polyamorous is not just an excuse to cheat on my partner. If I wanted to cheat, I could. I could claim to be polyamorous and still sneak around and lie and go behind his back. But that wouldn’t be polyamory. Polyamory is about communication and connection, about nurturing relationships with multiple people, not about keeping secrets.

I won’t help you cheat.

I’ve heard it all, shrouded in the question of whether I can be ‘discreet.’ For some, the knowledge that I’m in an open relationship automatically translates to the idea that I’m okay with them being in a relationship- even if it’s not open. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

One reason polyamory works for me and fits well with my personality is likely because I am an empath. I feel things deeply and intensely. Sometimes, even when emotional pain isn’t mine, it has a profound effect on me. The idea of helping someone knowingly do something that could emotionally damage another person is abhorrent to me.

I’m my own person, not part of a set.

“So, how does this work? Your boyfriend likes to watch?” I run into the assumption that my boyfriend will want to be highly involved in my relationships on a very regular basis. The limitless iterations polyamorous relationships come in has the downside that people make big assumptions based on their limited experience.

My boyfriend and I date separately, largely because he’s mostly interested in women, and I’m mostly interested in men. We also have scheduling issues to deal with- when one of us is on a date, the other is often on kid duty. Since we live together, time with other partners gives us a chance to have a break, get away from home, or share interests that maybe we don’t share together. Even though we are a couple, and plan to stay that way, we are both very much our own people and enjoy being able to flex our non-coupley muscles.

I’m not a swinger.

Swinging is a particular type of open relationship. Whether or not it’s something I might be interested in is an entirely separate subject than my polyamory. Many people assume that polyamory is just another name for an open relationship is just another name for swinging or threesomes. All relationships are complex and multifaceted, and while a polyamorous couple may also be swingers, there are plenty of swingers who are romantically monogamous and polyamorous people who don’t swing.

Interestingly, I have found that there is some overlap between different types of more open-to-exploration communities (BDSM/Kink, Polyamory, Swingers, etc). The people I’ve met who are part of these types of communities tend to be less rigid, and more open minded. It’s a bit harder to judge other people when a core part of yourself is something you get judged for.

Polyamory is a not just a justification for being a slut.

First off, let me remind you that there isn’t anything wrong with being a slut. I’ve had slutty periods, and to be honest they were amazingly good for me and helped me in ways I never expected.

Some people practice polyamory that is focused on sex. I think that falls more under the umbrella of ethical non-monogamy or swinging. Sure, my polyamory does involve sex and intimacy. With some people some of the time. Fulfilling romantic relationships can be sexual, but they can also be asexual depending on what works for the people involved and what needs are being met elsewhere. I could easily be a slut without being polyamorous, and it would serve a different purpose than the types of relationships I’m looking for.

I won’t have sex with just anyone.

Yes, I’m looking for connections with other men outside of my central relationship. This doesn’t mean I’ll sleep with anyone I meet. Just as there would be if I were single and monogamous, there are a lot of barriers to get through before I get there. Even if I meet someone who I have chemistry with, there are logistics to consider, agreements to honor, boundaries to consider, and information to be shared.

My heart can still get broken.

Breaking up while you still have a boyfriend is complicated. My boyfriend went through a breakup early on in our relationship, when he was my main emotional support but I wasn’t his. I couldn’t help him through it, and it was hard to know where to turn with the pain I was feeling watching him suffer.

Having a boyfriend at home doesn’t mean it hurts any less when my heart gets broken. It means I’m lucky to have a fantastic support system, and someone who cares about how I’m feeling. Just like anything that’s rewarding or joyful, it can’t exist without its antithesis. No life or relationship is without pain. Allowing myself to experience more love and happiness in life is worth the loss that sometimes has to happen.

I’m not better or more enlightened than monogamous people.

Monogamy works for a lot of people, and has for a long time. I discovered I was polyamorous after I got divorced, and it was mostly finding a word for different feelings I’d already experienced.

I had never been a “jealous person,” and the idea of open relationships was something that I’d considered in the past and felt like I might be suited for. When I found out that polyamory was something that people did, and even found support for, it just fell into place.

I don’t think I’m better than you because this relationship style feels right to me. I believe that relationship orientations fall on a large spectrum, from not ever wanting one to monogamy to polyamory to swinging, ethical non-monogamy, relationship anarchy, and everything in between. This is the relationship style that works for me and that I identify with. If monogamy is your jam, and it’s fulfilling for you, I think that’s wonderful!

If you’re interested in polyamory, or in learning about other people’s relationships, examining your own misconceptions is a great place to start. I hope that by sharing my experiences, I’ll be able to provide a more realistic picture of what polyamory looks like.

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