How to keep up with all the people in your life
By: Clay Steel
Tags: Communication, People, Friendship, Self-awareness, Relationships

We pretty much have 4 ways to communicate with each other now-a-days. You can (in order of effort) type a message, make a phone call, video chat, and the real thing: talk in person. While it’s obvious that technology has made it easier for us to communicate, it’s my belief that it’s become so easy to communicate — that we don’t do it effectively.

I didn’t know this was a phrase until recently, but since hearing about “option paralysis,” I’ve begun to take more of a notice into just how many choices we have, with everything. As far as my relationships, I can think of a bunch of people I could reach out to right now. I can also think of at least 10 different channels to use to reach out to that person. Having all these options makes acting on them overwhelming to the point where you just don’t. You forget, get distracted, or just feel like you don’t have time. According to the National Post, “the social brain hypothesis predicts that humans have an average of about 150 relationships at any given time.” Which begs the question — how the hell are we supposed to make time to engage with 150 people regularly? Do I even know 150 people? Why am I not interacting with my favorite people as often as I would like to?

Pt 1: “Watering your Plants:”

Take 30 seconds right now to think of who you haven’t spoken to in a while. Someone important to you who lives close enough to see in person, that you just haven’t made time for recently. Who you’ve been meaning to call and say congrats, I’m sorry, or simply I’ve been thinking about you. What a powerful thing to hear. We’ve all asked ourselves, “why have I let months, maybe years, go by without making that phone call? I feel guilty.” Do you think your life would be better if you regularly checked up on your circle? Let me be the first to tell you, you aren’t a bad person if you don’t reach out to the people in your circle constantly. They share that responsibility. You are to blame, however, if you’re overlooking their invites to connect. Reciprocity is the foundation of every relationship.

Now that we’re starting to think about WHO to call, let’s chat about WHAT to say. In case you forgot, a conversation is when two or more people come together to share dialogue. It’s technically not a conversation if one person speaks the whole time or not at all. Adrian F. Ward claims, “on average, people spend 60 percent of conversations talking about themselves.” We love to talk, YET, we also love to feel heard. How can we do both? The absolute key to having a meaningful conversation is to ask questions with genuine curiosity of the answer. Listening is paying attention. A good conversation is basically a battle of who can ask the most sincere questions. I feel crazy writing this out but it feels necessary. Assume the person you’re listening to knows something that you don’t. Maybe they’re going through something. Maybe they’re searching for an answer or solution that could benefit you too.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve changed the way I measure friendships. I once believed the strength of a friendship was determined by how often you communicate. While it helps to communicate often, I was wrong to think that was the only factor. Some of my best friends hear from me just a few times a year. Friendships should be measured by how you feel when you are around each other/communicate. Just because we don’t communicate with our favorite people constantly, does not mean we love them any less. If you can see that old friend and “pick up where you left off,” that’s a real one. Keep them close.

Think about people who have gone out of their way to help you, host you, lend a shoulder to cry on, give you advice, or show you that they care. Those are the people you might want to call (once you finish reading).

Pt 2: “Plucking your Weeds:”

Here’s something I wish I knew when I was younger: you get to choose who you want to spend your energy on. As we get older, we begin to audit our relationships — calibrating the time we spend with each individual and how we intend to change that in the future. This is by far the most controversial topic, and the one we like to talk about the least.

Nobody, other than yourself, has the right to dictate who you spend your time with. Read that again. You aren’t required to love someone because they’re in your family. You don’t need to like someone because you’ve known them for years. You aren’t expected to get along with your friends-friend. Everyone has toxic people in their lives. The truth is, many of us continue to entertain relationships with people we know we don’t want to. Why? For me it was fear and convenience. It’s hard to share how you feel about someone, especially when it’s negative and to their face. It’s easier to play along and not cause any problems. But is it worth it if being around them does not make you happy?

Toxic person /‘täksik pərs(ə)n’/

Adj/noun

1. One who knowingly treats you/others/themselves poorly

2. One who gets in the way of your happiness

It’s no fun to share space with anyone that fits the mold above. I’ve cut people out of my life. A few times. The downside? You really disappoint your mutual connections and have some awkward encounters. It comes off as selfish to most. The upside? Being a happier individual. It will also give you time back to spend on the ones you love.

Pt 3: “Planting your seeds:”

Every person in your life was at one point a stranger. Think about that. Well, okay, maybe not your mom, but our potential new best friends are constantly walking around us. That’s why people love asking couples, “how’d you two lovebirds meet?” Meeting someone new can be incredibly memorable and can open countless doors. Think about it right now. How did you meet your significant other? How long ago did you meet your best friend? Meeting new people is one of the core joys of life. Unfortunately, for good reasons, we are programmed to think “stranger-danger,” and protect ourselves around new people. Maybe that’s why, as a society, we idolize our “crew” and being a part of a pack.

“No new friends” — Drake

People are afraid to make new friends, but the truth is, they really want to. How do you meet new people in your 20’s and 30’s? Get out and go do things by yourself. It’s hard to put yourself in a vulnerable place, but that’s how. I believe we were meant to make new friends constantly. That’s why there’s so many of us. If one thing is certain, it’s that we love people with whom we share commonalities. Oh you grew up in my city? Went to my college? Play the same sport as me? Sweet, I like you more. We can relate. We search hard for these, serendipitous, familiar traits in new people for social proof that they are not — in fact “strange”.

I once motorbiked from North to South Vietnam. About halfway down the Ho Chi Minh Trail, my bike broke down. It was smoking. I was completely alone in the middle of the raining jungle near a town called Khe San. The only issue was I had no money to fix my bike. I had no money for food. There was no ATM for miles. I sat there for hours until I heard a voice. “Hey! You need help?” I looked up. “God?” I remember saying out loud. It was a guy about my age. He didn't look Vietnamese or American. “My name’s Peter” he said. “You look like you need some help.” Turns out Peter Race, a San Franciscan engineer for NASA, happened to be riding by. After hearing my story, Peter gave me $300 cash, got me a hotel, and paid for my dinner that night — expecting nothing back from me. “We all hit rough patches” he said with a smile. I met up with him in San Francisco right when I got back from my trip and paid him the money he gave me (and then some). We played pool and swapped stories and scars that we acquired from the rest of our trip. This guy is now family to me. Peter could have kept riding past me. He didn’t NEED to stop, but he did, and made a new friend because of it. Be like Peter.

Wrap up

If you are more thoughtful about how you keep in touch with the people you love, you will feel happier. If you eliminate the people in your life that are weighing you down, you will feel happier. If you put yourself out there, and try to make a new friend once in a while, you will feel happier. That’s what it’s all about. Feeling happy.

The Homework

Watering Plants:

Write a list of the 5–10 most important people in your life. People who have been there for you when you needed them most. Make them your ‘favorites’ in your phone. Re-think your downtime (walking to the bus, waiting in to board the plane, mindlessly flipping through social media, etc..)as a perfect opportunity to make the phone call to that special person. Check your ‘favorites’ in your phone and call the person you’ve spoken to the least. Make a list of your most important people by location (outside of the original 10). Set reminders in your calendar and notifications on your social media channels for when these people are active. When they post content — engage. This will make your need to communicate with important friends convenient. I’ve been sharing my location with my closest friends. Seeing when someone is close to you helps you see them more.

Plucking Weeds:

Make a list of the people who make your life more difficult. People who you feel are holding you back. Make a point to stay away from these people. If they care about you, they will notice and reach out in hopes to mend. If they don’t reach out, you’ve made a great decision. Never speak poorly about someone. If provoked, simply say how they make you feel using facts. Unfollow them on social apps. You don’t need to see what they post. If you feel like someone you love is cutting you out of their life, reach out. If they’re not okay, they should be able to say so. If they don’t answer you, try a) reaching out with a different approach or b) let sink in the possibility they just simply don’t have the energy for you.

Planting Seeds: