Dating Freak-Out: Getting Past Dating Anxiety
By: Wendy Miller
Tags: Dating, Relationships, Dating Anxiety, Self, Parenting

It’s not uncommon for single people to feel a little dating anxiety. For single parents, this is perhaps even more true.

Let’s consider just a few of the reasons why you might have dating anxiety as a single parent:

1. You’ve already had one relationship break up and impact your kids. It’s natural that you’d be worried that it might happen again.

2. You’ve been out of the dating world for a while. You don’t know if you’re up to speed on what it’s like to date today after you’ve been in a relationship for the last 5, 10, 15 years.

3. You’ve heard all the horror stories about dating as a single parent: the people who won’t date single parents; the ones who date single parents to prey on their kids; the ones who treat their kids differently than your kids… the list goes on. Who wouldn’t be afraid with those thoughts?

4. You’re not sure you can balance dating with being a parent. And while you know you have to make parenting the priority, the thought of missing out on your soulmate because you can’t balance it all scares you.

If you have dating anxiety, don’t beat yourself up about it. But don’t let it take over your life either.

Let’s break down the reasons above and talk about why you should let the anxiety go, and how you can put yourself out there with less fear.

Photo by Chinh Le Duc on Unsplash

Reason #1: You’ve already ended one relationship that impacted your kids

Whether you were married to your kids’ other parent or not, ending the relationship affected your kids. They now have two homes. They’re confused about what happened, why it happened, and maybe even wondering if it was their fault.

You want your kids to be happy and healthy, and you definitely don’t want to see them go through the heartbreak of losing another person they care about if you find someone and then break up.

Your feelings are valid, and they show just how much you love your kids. Putting your kids first is important, but you also can’t use your kids as an excuse to avoid getting back out there.

What can you do about it? First, you need to remember that you are more than just a parent. You’re an adult, a human being with feelings and needs that have nothing to do with being a parent. And you’re allowed to find someone with whom to indulge those feelings and needs.

Second, you need to keep your kids first philosophy, but tweak it a little bit. This is done by taking some simple precautions, such as not introducing the people you date to your kids until you feel the relationship is getting serious.

Finally, take things slow. It’s understandable that after dedicating years to a relationship that didn’t last, you might feel a little pressure to find a new one. But there are no deadlines for this. There is no point at which you are too old or single too long to be able to start dating and find someone who’s right for you. So take your time getting to know people, don’t rush to move the relationship forward faster than you truly want, and really get to know someone before trying to mingle all the parts of your life together.

Reason #2: You’ve been out of the dating world for a while

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You were in your last relationship for a long time. Whether it was five years, 10 years, or 25 years, dating can change rapidly. It’s easy to feel like you’re totally out of the loop and have no idea what to do now. Do you offer to split the check? Is online dating the right way to go?

Dating as a single parent can often feel a bit like dating when you were a teenager. Everything is new, and while it’s exciting, it’s also a little bit scary and uncertain. And when you try looking at dating blogs or books, you feel like you’re getting a bunch of different suggestions about what you should do.

What can you do about it? Relax! Yes, it’s very possible that dating has change a little — or a lot — since the last time you were single. You might find that things are very different than you’d expect, and you might even make a few mistakes.

But that’s to be expected. Just like you might need a little time to get your bearings if you got on a bike again after not having ridden one in years, there’s going to be a bit of a learning curve to dating again. So relax and accept it. Know that it will happen, and know that you’ll survive it.

Also, consider being honest with the people you date. Let them know it’s been a while since you were single and dating, and you feel a little out of your element. Not only will it make them a bit more understanding of the mistakes you might make, it might even endear you to them, a sign of vulnerability that sparks a connection.

Reason #3: You’ve heard horror stories about dating as a single parent

Whether it’s that no one wants to date a single parent, or stepparents that treat their bio children better than their stepchildren, or the rare individual that dates single parents to prey on their children, there are some terrifying stories about dating as a single parent.

As a parent, protecting your children is your top priority. Protecting your own heart is next. So when you hear all those horror stories, it’s tempting to throw up your hands and decide you’re just going to give up on dating. It just doesn’t seem worth it.

What can you do about it? Stop listening to the horror stories. Do they happen? Yes, sometimes they do. Are they likely to happen to you? Probably not. It’s possible, but not likely enough to make it worth not dating at all.

You should be alert and on your guard, of course. If someone has a lot of red flags, or you get a vibe that doesn’t feel right, pull back and maybe stop seeing them entirely. But remember that most people are genuinely good people who are looking for the same thing you are. Even if what they want and what you want doesn’t match well enough for you to keep seeing each other, you’re far more likely to meet nice people that you just don’t connect with than outright jerks, abusers, or other sick or scary people.

Photo by Jon Flobrant on Unsplash

Reason #4: You’re not sure you can balance dating with being a parent

Whether you co-parent with your ex or you’re parenting completely solo, being a parent takes up a ton of your time. Add to that working to support your kids, taking care of the house, and finding time for yourself, and you might start to wonder exactly where dating fits into the schedule.

Balancing dating and being a parent can be a delicate act. You can’t neglect the kids, but you can’t build a relationship if you don’t spend time with the person you’re interested in. And as long as you’re in “never the twain shall meet” mode, I admit it can be difficult to make time for dating.

What can you do about it? Start by acknowledging that yes, it will be difficult. Some of the best things in life are difficult — that’s what makes them worth it. So admit it will be hard and decide if it’s worth it to you.

Then be honest with the people you date. Let them know you have extremely limited availability, and what your parameters are around dating. How much notice do you need before a date? How often can you go out? How long can you be out for a date? Are you only able to go out when the kids are with their other parent? Be clear about what you can give so that the person who decides to date you (remember it is a mutual decision) understands what they’re getting into and goes for it anyway.

Finally, don’t feel pressured to date more than you feel comfortable with. If someone pressures you for more time than you’re willing to give, they’re not for you. If friends or family are pressuring you to go out more, ignore them. This is about your comfort level and no one else’s. No one else can decide what’s best for you.

There’s nothing wrong with being single

You shouldn’t let dating anxiety stop you from dating. But it’s also important to remember that there’s nothing wrong with being single and not dating.

If you work through your anxiety and realize you don’t want to date right now — or realize the anxiety is actually a result of not wanting to date — know that it’s okay to skip dating for now.

Life is about so much more than dating and finding a relationship. You can focus on your kids, your career, your friends and family, and all the other parts of your life. You can choose not to date for a month, or a year, or any amount of time you want. You can decide not to look for love and simply wait until it comes along, wrestles you to the ground and demands you go out with it (although that does sound a little violent).

Take a dating hiatus. Or date yourself! Dating yourself can be a great way to reconnect with yourself, learn more about who you are and what you want, and prepare for dating others again. And it can be a ton of fun, too!

Just remember that if you let your dating anxiety take over, not only will it stop you from dating in the present, it will make it that much harder to date in the future. So even if you decide against dating right now, it’s still a good idea to work through your anxiety around it. Set yourself up to be ready for dating success.