“You have cancer” At 21
By: Kierra Bee
Tags: Trials, Cancer, Twenties, Happiness, Beyourself

“How did it feel to have someone tell you that you have cancer?”

My short answer? It feels like the instant pain of stepping on a lego with the sting that lasts for hours later.

I heard them tell me I have cancer but as soon as it came out of the doctor’s mouth, I went numb. I searched for any feeling throughout my body but found none. The doctor kept speaking but all I heard was mumbles from him, questions from my parents and all I could do was stare at him and keep nodding like I was following.

The only thing I heard was, “Hodgkin’s Lymphoma cancer, stage 4” and later, “one week to confirm”.

That evening I felt a fog around me. Not wanting to speak to anyone, not wanting to cry, not wanting to eat, not wanting to move. I knew something had been wrong the past year. I hadn’t been able to breathe as a college athlete! So it would make sense they found a soda can sized tumor in my chest…right?

The next morning I just felt…strange. I knew that I was about to take on a new life but I just kept thinking about the fact that I was missing a quiz in one of my classes.

I am a planner. I have my day, week, month, and the next three years planned. CANCER WAS NOT IN THE PLANS! I kept trying to plan at least the next week…nothing. Nothing was coming to mind of what I could do. Would I have another appointment? I should be somewhere so that I can easily get to my phone. What if I lose service? I can’t leave the house. I have signal there for sure. I will keep it on loud. Crap. My phone is broken and people hear an echo when they call me. Should I get that fixed? What if they call me? Should I buy a new phone? I can’t buy a new phone because we have a bill probably over $10,000 (we did). Dang I’m tired. No, scratch that, I’m hungry.

All this and more just kept running through my mind with no end in sight. 21 year olds don’t get cancer? Do they? It just has to be a weird mass right?

They sent me home saying, “I’m pretty sure it’s cancer. I’ll call you as soon as I find out. It could take up to a week.”

For a week my life was frozen. My husband and I watched every movie series and every show we could think of. We did everything we could to drown out the constant noise that filled our heads.

The call came later in the evening the following Tuesday. They had been right that it is Hodgkin’s Lymphoma cancer. Right then and there I started to cry. All the hope for it not to be cancer left…All the light from my life faded….and I felt the floor leave from under me. How could I make it through something like this? I am not strong enough for this. Why, why, why me?

A few said things like, “At least it’s really treatable and this is good cancer.” And while it is, all I wanted to do was grab them by the arms and yell, “Do you not understand that cancer is cancer?! Stop telling me that it's treatable! If you think it’s so good then you go through it!”

A few days later I was back on my feet. No more sulking around, no more crying. There is absolutely nothing I can do to fix this besides my attitude. I didn’t want to have a bad attitude about this. I didn’t want people to look at me every day from now on and feel sad. I want to have a smile on my face. I want a happy life. That day of darkness was the one and only day that I ever need. I choose happiness.

I choose to have the zest for life and adventure that I have always had. I choose to smile about things because frowning doesn’t help anyone. Happiness strengthens my relationships, my mood, strangers who see a smile can instantly feel lifted. Why can’t it strengthen me to get through this trial?

I don’t revisit this time in my life as often anymore. Only if I feel like others could benefit by hearing my story. So here it is, do what you will with it; but let me leave you with a few things.

I was told some serious, heart wrenching, information, and I needed to take a day. Take a day to feel every emotion. Every emotion was valid. Anger, depression, relief, frightened, weak, humorous, chaos, and just nothing. But overall and in the end I choose to be happy. I know…I know how hard this is. But I have been so much better with looking to the happiness I have in my life.

The trial would not go away if I got to a certain level of anger and I wasn’t going to scare it off. But I can choose to find happiness and joy every day. Even in the worse scenarios.

I hope you choose to find happiness.