How to Help a Friend Who May Be a Victim of Domestic Abuse
By: Michelle Jaqua
Tags: Abuse, Domestic Violence, Mental Health, Relationships, Women

Photo by Hian Oliveira on Unsplash

If you aren’t sure that you should intervene, but you want to, then here are a few guidelines you can use to help a friend, coworker, relative, or acquaintance:

Bring up the topic with her

It’s the elephant in the room, and it’s okay for you to let your friend know you’re concerned. Don’t jump to conclusions. Instead, tell her what you’ve seen. You can say something such as, “I’ve noticed Brian wasn’t very nice to you the other day when he shouted at you, grabbed your arm and called you a bitch. I’m concerned about his behavior.”

You don’t have to go into a long explanation. You don’t have to keep talking because you’re nervous. And you don’t need to make decisions for her.

Instead, bring up the topic to your friend with whatever you’ve seen, and that you’re concerned. Make sure that she knows you have seen what’s been happening to her.

Validate her experience

Many victims feel shamed, blamed, and responsible for the abuse against them. It may be difficult for her to talk about the behavior. She might be scared — most likely she is hesitant because of the repurcussions of letting someone know she’s in a violent relationship. This is how you can help her:

Validate her feelings. Let her know that what she is feeling and experiencing is real. She has a right to feel scared. Let her know that you understand she’s in a difficult situation.

Let her know that this situation is not her fault. She is not creating the abuse, no matter how much she’s been told that she is responsible. This is, absolutely, 100% the fault of her abuser.

Don’t downplay her situation

A victim may deny that anything is wrong. She may say “he wasn’t being mean,” in response to your comment, or make excuses that her abuser is under stress, or that he had a bad childhood. There are a ton of ways the victim can deny or downplay her situation.

Listen to her if she makes excuses for her abuser, or downplays her situation.

Reinforce to her what you’ve seen and that you believe it is a very serious and dangerous situation.

Provide her with resources

This will take some research beforehand. Be ready to give her resources for domestic abuse. This can be a book or a pamphlet (although she will probably have to hide this), or even a phone number or a website. Make sure you don’t overload her with information.

Ask her if she would like you to get some information for her that will help her. Offer to help get her some help when she asks for it.

Give her any information on how to access any community resources.

At the least, encourage her to get personal counseling with a reputable therapist. It’s helpful if they specialize in domestic violence.

Help her put a plan in place if she asks for your help

The timing for a victim to leave a relationship must only be decided by her. She knows her situation better than anyone else. She understands the repercussions of her leaving. She may have already tried to leave in the past, even more than once. It takes, on average, seven times for a victim to leave a relationship before they actually succeed. If she is open to leaving her situation:

Help her get a safe plan in place before she leaves. This will include how she is going to leave, what she’s taking with her, where she is going to stay, and how she is going to support herself (and kids) after she leaves.

She may need your help going to the police, filing assault charges, getting medical help, getting an attorney, or going to court.

With her permission, you can also gather others who can help support her, depending who is available to help her and keep her safe.

Be there for long-term support for the victim. You are her safety person, and it may take years for the woman to leave the abusive relationship.

A few absolute “Don’ts” when helping someone: