The End Of My Dual Existence
By: Constance Rowan
Tags: Equality, Humanity, LGBTQ, Transgender, Coming Out

I had feared coming out at work since day one. I work in the energy sector, providing I.T. support. While the town I work in is very LGBTQ+ friendly, the place I work at reminds me of 1960 everywhere. The décor, the building, and most importantly, the attitudes I perceived. The day I was hired, the H.R. director at the time told me point-blank that the only people who do well there are people who adopted the “Family Values Model.”

The lady who was in charge of H.R. was notorious for pushing conservative agendas at work. Further adding to my paranoia, specific managers went around spouting anti-trans, anti-LGBTQ rhetoric. Some of these conversations and actions burned into my brain an expectation of what most people would think of me when I came out.

During my transition, our company went through a “transition” of its own. We got acquired by a much larger, more forward-thinking company, the H.R. director retired, and we got someone considerably more professional and open-minded.

Still, would anyone there accept me? At the end of last month, I made a resolve to find out. I scheduled a meeting with the new H.R. director, and then I came out to her over Microsoft Teams. A teleconference was not the way I planned to deliver my coming out, but COVID-19 has made all communication virtual these days — virtual and impersonal.

I didn’t like that I couldn’t see her facial cues or body language, or that she couldn’t see the fear and vulnerability in my eye.

It turned out though that she was completely supportive, and helped me to map out a plan to come out at work. Over the next few days, we planned the course of events for the week when I would come out.

Monday came, and it was time to tell my department manager. What would he think? He’s worked with a guy this whole time. Is he going to be okay with this? I may never know how he truly felt hearing those words that day, but he too was easy to work with and courteous. I don’t know how he felt about it, but if he was uncomfortable, he has not let it show through on any further conversations, and I am grateful for that.

“Just like that, there it was, the memo, right there in my inbox. Everyone at work was going to know that I was a woman. ‘That’s it, my life is over,’ I thought out loud.”

After that, there was just one more step. I needed to come out to everyone in our organization. We have quite a large staff, so it was going to be a lot of people who were going to learn my truth at once. During my meetings with H.R., we had decided a memo format would be the best way to present this information.

I had decided if I was going to come out at work, I should come out on Facebook in parallel. After all, several of my work friends had previously added me on Facebook, so it made sense. I worked and drafted a letter for coming out on Facebook, too. This letter was a little more personal and detailed than the professional letter that I had prepared for work.

Wednesday afternoon came, and I sat and watched my inbox for the memo to go through from H.R. Every muscle in my body was tense, and my heart was racing. At one point, I was afraid I would induce a panic attack. I was reviewing every face of every person I worked with in my head and trying to gauge their reactions from what I knew about them. My predictions were not calming me down; instead, they were making me crazier. Amid this pre-guessing though, just like that, there it was, the memo, right there in my inbox. Everyone at work was going to know that I was a woman. “That’s it, my life is over,” I thought out loud.

I started to close up my apps and prepare for the end of the day when I got a ping on my Microsoft Teams console. One of my co-workers had read the memo and wanted to congratulate me personally. I started to parse that chat when suddenly, another message from someone in a different department. Then, there was another, and yet another — a flurry of chats! While I answered some, I started to get emails — some from all over the refinery. Then, even letters from the corporate office in Texas.

The best I dared hope for was that I would keep my job, but I never thought that people would accept me!

Yes, I know not everyone does, and I have had some curt conversations with people since coming out, but they have kept their opinions to themselves and kept the discourse civil, and that is all I ask of anyone. I am grateful for the outcome; it was far more than I ever allowed myself to dream.

Photo by NordWood Themes on Unsplash

I turned off the computer, ran to town for shopping, then came back home. It was time to launch the Facebook post. The last piece of coming out to the world. After all, nothing is official until it is on Facebook. I knew that this was where the hate would be coming from; I was sure of it. After all, the internet is for trolls, and everyone loves good trolling.

But I had felt emboldened by my victory at work, so I pasted it into a post window and submitted it. I sat back and paused for a moment to allow it to sink in what I just did. I just told 300 people that not only was I a woman, but I had wanted to be one my whole life. I waited, and while I did, I updated my profile/cover pics and changed my name and gender.

“As I let all this love and acceptance sink in, I realized something. I was Constance now and forever. I never had to go back to “HIM”!”

The first notifications started coming in. Heart emojis and care emojis and personal messages of support. I could not believe it!

People on the internet were kind?

Yes, I lost friends. Probably about 35 so far, but you know what? Not one of them left a frown emoji or a scathing post before they left. If I am sincere, I could only identify a couple of the people who left. If I hadn’t made a note of my friends count, I would’ve never even known.

A little later, the P.M.s started from people I hadn’t talked to in years. They were telling me how much my journey inspired them, or telling me that it’s good to see me living my truth. I could not believe it; I still can’t! So much love and acceptance. I think my faith in humanity sparked a little.

As I let all this love and acceptance sink in, I realized something. I was Constance now and forever. I never had to go back to “HIM!” While I was basking in the adulation of acceptance, “HE” slid away into the quiet goodnight.

I may still catch a glimpse of his remnants in the mirror, but one day soon, even those will be a distant memory. This body belongs to Constance now, and she will put it to much better use. After all this time, my dual existence is finally over!