Be a Good Mom, They Said
By: Sarah Cox
Tags: Womens Health, Single Moms, Baby, Motherhood, Breastfeeding

Photo of our dear friend @ beingthismama getting by (instagram)

Be a good mom, they said. Breastfeed. It’s best for baby.

Do it for a year. Why that long? Only six months? You could have gone longer. Don’t breastfeed, it will ruin your boobs. Can’t pump? Use formula. Baby looks hungry. Feed on schedule. Baby needs this to grow. Feed on demand. Don’t wake baby to feed. Nourish yourself. Baby eats what you eat. Don’t have coffee. Caffeine is bad for baby. Can’t produce milk? What’s wrong? Keep trying. Mastitis? Feed through it. It’s the best way. Formula is bad. You look tired. Coffee is life. Take care of yourself. Be healthy — for baby. Sleep when baby sleeps. Do laundry when baby sleeps. Keep the house tidy. Cleanliness is important. Don’t housekeep. Soak baby in. Don’t look at your phone. Avoid screens — it’s bad for baby. Look at baby lovingly. Lonely? Don’t use social media — bad for baby. Build your community. Join Facebook groups. But not when holding baby. Screens are bad. Try getting out. Meet other moms. You need a village. Mom friends though. People without kids judge you. They don’t want a baby tagging along. And you can’t leave baby.

Be a good mom, they said. Hold baby. Cuddle baby. Do skin-to-skin.

Breastfeed — not if you’re tired. Remember, soak baby in. Sleep when baby sleeps. Don’t hold baby too much. Wean baby off. Don’t pick baby up at every cry. You’re spoiling baby. Sleep train early. Baby will never be independent. You’re enabling baby by co-sleeping. But baby needs you. Work from home. Be a ‘stay at home’ mom. Babies need full attention. Back to work so soon? Don’t work. Not going back to work? Good for baby to see you work. Especially daughters. Expect to lose your position. Your seniority, too. Children are priority. Your boss understands. Become an Entrepreneur. No, a Mompreneur. Be less. Don’t forget your other responsibilities. You look tired. Take care of yourself. For the baby. And your partner. Going out so soon after birth? Your baby should be inside. Baby needs you. You can’t leave baby. Not even for a few hours. Not even if you need fresh air.

Be a good mom, they said. Date your husband, he’s priority.

You are a team. Your partner before babies. He needs you. Keep the marriage fresh. Give him more of yourself. More than you have to give. Six weeks postpartum is up. Your husband’s been waiting. Don’t lose yourself. Self-care. Self-care is important. Take care of you first. No, husband. No, baby. Baby needs you. Stay fun. Afraid he’ll stray? Stay Sexy. Great outfit. Lose the baby weight. Snap back. Walk. Run. Do yoga. Relax. Breathe. Soak baby in. No rush. Take your time. Still have baby weight? Get more motivated. Watch what you eat. But not too much. Remember, breastfeed. You need calories. Baby looks hungry. The baby is crying because it’s hungry. Everyone knows. The baby is cold. Not dressed warm enough. Where’s the baby’s hat? The baby is sick again. What did you do? You should know better. Good moms know better. Mom guilt. It’s real. Ignore it. We all go through this. Power through. You should love being a mom. Everyone else does.

Be a good mom, they said. No partner? Single Moms are heroes.

Babies need mom. You can do it alone. But, not without a village. You can’t do it alone. Sorry, no daycare support. Make more money! Abortion is bad. Your body, your choice. Not having children? How un-fulfilling. That’s selfish. But liberating! Feeling overwhelmed? Take a walk. With baby. And the dog. The dog needs exercise, too. It’ll be cute. What do you mean you didn’t walk the dog today? What do you mean you didn’t shower today? Have a glass of wine. But not if baby is awake. Certainly not if you’re breastfeeding. Why do you need to drink? ‘Mommy Juice’, they call it. Pump and dump. But don’t dump — it’s liquid gold. But you don’t want any. What’s wrong with you? It’ll help you sleep. You need sleep. Sleep when baby sleeps. Stepmothers won’t understand. They didn’t give birth! Not a mom unless you gave birth. Still single? Freeze your eggs. Focus on your career. Focus on you. You don’t need a man. Do it on your own. With a man but no child? Freeze an embryo. Money’s no issue. Just in-case. Be a good future mom. Biological clock is ticking. Now, before you’re too old. Find a husband. While you’re attractive. Baby needs a father. Babies need mother and father. Not same sex couples, though. LGBTQIA? Not a real family. Trans-parent? Non-binary parent? How does that work? Don’t have a baby too young.

Be a good mom, they said. Can’t multitask? You’ll learn.

Appointments. Husband. Baby. Work. Self-care. Exercise. Friends. Family. Allocate equal time. Women are good at juggling. Barely fitting people in. Get Sleep. Sleep deprivation is bad. Baby needs you. Coffee will help. Coffee is life. Don’t drink coffee if you’re breastfeeding. That’s bad for baby. Organic food. Try that. Miscarriage? So sorry. Universe has a plan. Try again. At least you got pregnant. Don’t try too hard. You have other kids. Focus on them. Your body will get itself pregnant. Can’t get pregnant with your first? But you’re glowing. Husband goes to appointments. He’s a star! Keep trying. Don’t try. Stress is unhealthy for pregnancy. Don’t bring that on yourself. Adopt. Don’t be so self-centered. What’s your birth plan. No plan? High risk? C-section? Surrogate? Why chose that? So unnatural. Epidural? Afraid of pain. You’ll drug baby. Home birth. Why put baby at risk? Why a hospital birth? Birthing is natural. No need to medicalize it. Don’t trust doctors. You’re just a number. Slow healing? Postpartum depression? Skin-to-skin helps. Smart moms know that. You’ll be ok. Just keep growing the family. Have a big family. Not too big. You don’t live in a zoo! People will think you’re lazy. No birth control. No condom. Who wants that many? Oh, you’re religious. Can you handle all those children? Don’t let baby cry in public. That’s embarrassing. Everyone’s annoyed. Just try harder. Soothe baby better. Feed baby. Distract baby. Get help. No Nanny? Aren’t you a working mom? That’s ok. Baby just needs love. You have so much love to give. So, give. This is what women were made for. Just “be a good mom” they said.

By now most people have seen the viral “Be A Lady They Said” video, by Girls.Girls.Girls.Magazine, written by #CamilleRainville and Narrated by Cynthia Nixon. As passionate advocates for maternal health, we were deeply moved by these pieces of art. On top of facing the pressures of simply being someone who identifies as a woman, when it comes to considering motherhood, or being a mother, women have a whole other slew of harmful societal expectations.

It’s important for us to courageously step into our own stories as part of our journey towards healing. We wanted to write this to provide a safe space where women can share their stories. Please feel free to share yours in the comment section, below, if you feel compelled to do so. You can post a comment via your laptop (not mobile).