Fourth Trimester
By: Zihad Mama
Tags: Parenting, Personal, Pregnancy

r, “depression.” While postpartum depression used to be taboo, it seems to be everywhere now. As it should be! All my pregnancy apps, my doctor, my baby’s pediatrician, everywhere I look there’s some information and screenings for postpartum depression. This is great but I feel like it lumps everything that happens after a baby is born into “depression” and I think that’s an unfair assessment and not an accurate expectation.

Enter the “fourth trimester.” It’s a joke, right? Because “tri” indicates there are only three. To say there is a fourth makes it an afterthought; a laughable matter. When people talk about postpartum, they make it sound like a few weeks long recovery period and then that’s it. You’re a parent now so everything after your physical recovery is either your new normal or postpartum depression. But what about the in-between?

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First, there’s the obvious physical recovery. The aftereffects of birth, regardless of delivery method. Then you have sleep deprivation, another physical consequence of having an infant to care for around the clock. Everyone knows those things.

What I didn’t find people talking about is the fact that your baby doesn’t know how to be a baby just as you don’t know how to be a parent. You’re both figuring it out. Breastfeeding? Yeah, babies are born with the reflex and your body has been preparing to feed that baby. But it’s not just you trying to figure out how to get the right position or latch or whether your body is making enough. Your baby is also learning and experiencing frustration right alongside you. Newborn babies haven’t yet experienced cold, hunger, wet diapers, or loneliness. All the things they’re crying about are just part of being a baby. Each thing that happens is probably the worst thing that’s happened to them so far as they begin a lifetime of cumulative experiences.

It’s been 10 weeks since I delivered my baby. My husband had actual paid paternity leave through his work and even a transitional period where he was working part time hours for full time pay. Being able to take small steps in figuring out our new normal was priceless and something many Americans don’t receive through their work benefits. But this new normal doesn’t just happen and it certainly doesn’t happen overnight. The first three months are kind of just waiting for your baby to get big enough to be less of a worm. Because let’s be real, babies are little potato worms that you have to take care of and it becomes your new priority. What sucks big time is that they don’t give you feedback other than crying/screaming in the beginning. Being a parent may be a largely thankless job but at some point, your baby grows into a child that can smile, hug and kiss you, or make you shitty pasta art. But the early days are exhausting. They feel endless. The exhaustion isn’t postpartum depression necessarily, it’s just fourth trimester.

Newborns don’t know the difference between nights and days. They have to figure that out. The result is a lot of schedule craziness in the first few weeks(/months?!) and the sleep deprivation is real. The constant nagging concerns create an anxiety that makes rest difficult even when time allows it (is she still breathing? Is she cold? etc.) Of course when you’re worn ragged, the lethargy and hormones can look and feel a lot like depression. And maybe some of it is. But some of it will pass as the days go by and the baby gets bigger. I’m doing everything I can to stay patient and enjoy my little tiny worm baby while I can.

A friend of mine said that in utero is the closest you’ll ever be to your child — every moment thereafter they are growing up and pulling further and further away. That’s their job, after all, to grow up. And it’s ours to foster their independence so that they may be compassionate, kind, and contributing members of society. It’s been hard to appreciate the fourth trimester through the whirlwind of exhaustion, the stress of adding work back in, and the holidays. I wish someone had prepared me for three months after birth. When people in America only receive 8 weeks or so of maternity leave, I guess that’s the expectation that we as a society set. As a self employed person, I had zero weeks of paid maternity leave. It’s another post for another day, but I hope that we, as a first world country, can offer BOTH parents a reasonable amount of parental leave that includes all of the fourth trimester at the very least. After all, we just made a new citizen. I now appreciate Scandinavian countries’ leave policies that much more.

All that to say, I’m trying to be kind to myself as I navigate my new life. As we enter into Thanksgiving, I want to recognize the kindness I have received from family, friends, and clients. Reminding myself to be grateful for every little thing I have, even if one of those things is an exhaustion like I’ve never felt. The fourth trimester has been trying but it is yet another period of time that will come to pass and I hope to look fondly back on it in the future.

Always,

Anya