It's post partum, and it's alright.
By: Pri Tan
Tags: Pregnancy, Anxiety, Motherhood, Depression, Mental Health

I want to cry. I need a break alright. I have eaten 26 biscuits, half a kg plum cake, 2 soya lattes and a pound of peanuts, but I don’t feel a bit alright. My aching body gets the better of me. I am cramping, every part of my body hurts, and I need my 11 month baby to just stop the cries. I am tired. I need help. I really do. My husband is busy. I want to cry, as my eyes turn wet from dry, but my husband says be a rock please. Handle the home and the baby, and don’t tell me it’s hard, even if it is. Handle. Manage. But I’m failing, I’m too tired. I had therapy in the morning, but the only thing I thought of during my heavy load CBT NLP session was that I’m tired, god please help.

My mom lives around, but is too tied, always pre occupied, which is fine, but somedays oh how I wish she was more around.

The lotus biscoff isn’t helping anymore, I just wish the pain abats. Physical and emotional. My arms and legs and hips and glutes just hurt. I dont know what to do. I ask for help on the baby group, but here are some who +1 on the struggle too.

Hello mommy hood, I miss my old healthy body, athlete, eating anything and running on high..but now, eating the world, and still feeling bandaged.

I feel so drained. In my part of the world there is abundance of house helps, baby help, but I sadly have none. Some turned out to be like another mother in law, who seemed to know it all and listen to nothing at all. Some turned out to be too tardy, and maybe some I just didn’t get along with. My tendonitis seems worse off, it started by wrong posture of holding the baby and I’m unable to change diapers without excruciating pain.

My heart rate is high, means my anxiety has triggered by itself.. I am also stinking, I need to take a bath. I’m wondering when my jeggings will feel loose because now the elastic is pinching me. I ordered a new pair of jeans but I haven’t opened it, for the fear of it not fitting me.

I want to sleep, I want a spa, but thank you covid for making sure that I can’t get that massage that I really require.

We did take a vacation the last weekend, but it was endlessly handling an unsettled baby and mostly being in another room, with a super chef sending unlimited meals though. The bags still lay unpacked though, the laundry still to be done. Hmm. But thank you that the husband has shown patience.

There is always a silver lining.

Yes, I’m grateful for my home, my husband, my baby, my parents near by, the food( junk and good), but it’s not easy. It’s just not that easy.

This is for all the mothers, who are battling aches and pains, struggling with how their body looks and feels, those battling judgements, those getting unlimited free and unwanted advice, those trying to be all positive but are aching and hurting.

It will be okay.

I will take that shower if not today, maybe tomorrow. Maybe with the baby, but I’ll do it. For today, I want rest, but I will get rest, in an hour, in 2 hours or maybe a few more to go. It’s okay if I’m eating like a pig, and eating all the nasties, drinking the wine while I breast feed my kid, but it’s okay, I’m alive, I’m taking care as best as I can, I may not be there mentally or emotionally, but I’m there, I’m here, and this little one doesn’t know if we messing hehe… I will not be harsh on myself, I will be pliant, I will be agile, and I love myself and honour myself. I love me for the fighter that god is making me, this challenge will pass. It’s okay if there is no one appreciating me, I know I’m still worthy and totally 💯% worthy. It’s okay if my heart rate is still high, if anxiety is just happening, I will try my best to handle it. I want to breathe deep, but today I can’t, and it’s okay. I will deep breathe, meditate, yoga, in a few days, if not today. I will fit in the old and new jeans, but for today, I will take comfort in some sweats. ..

My baby is crying, needs my attention, and while the caffeine doesn’t have seemed to work, it’s okay. I count till 10. I pick the baby and while I’m typing, I put the baby in the pram and the baby refuses as always. I pick the baby, I have no energy, I have tears rolling down, every part of my body hurts, but I take my baby out. I step outside, the last of the bright rays fall on my face, the dusk is waiting to set in. But for now, before my mood takes on the duskier, my baby has settled and I too like the warmth of the sun on my face. I put my baby on the grass, and I sit on the most comfortable chair and wow, nature sets it’s healing. I breathe a sigh. I allow myself to cheer a high because I am feeling my heart rate pace to lower. I try not to think of those who could do more for me, but I think on what they have done for me. I feel rays of positives enter my mind. My baby is trying to stand, and I am trying to stand too. I lift myself, lift my heaviness, it’s slow, but it’s progress. The sun has started to set, and while mommy hood doesn’t rest, I must begin to welcome the moon abreast. I walk back to the within, slowly amidst the shadows by the leaves so thick, but I walk to the light that’s in, and I find my comely home, welcoming my return. Nothing has changed, but yet a smile comes in this despair, because some emotions have simply taken care, call it god’s grace. Isn’t this life, and it’s lies, give it some time and we find ourself adjusting to the lows and highs. We find beauty and love in ourself and around, even if it takes time. But such is life.

So here I am, rejuvenated, calmer, stronger, and ready for what the night has to bring. It will be fine, it is fine and it’s alright, as I’m breathing, well kept and alive.. but if only I could lay, dreaming in a dreamless space, going deeper and getting okay. . … If not today, tomorrow, I shall someday.

P.s.- Pen the emotions, cry the vice, let it loose outside, because inside it only creates havoc and cries.

P.p.s- Wrote and lost half the plot. Re- wrote & reminded myself of those thoughts that had crossed to address the plot.