I Had a Sexual Experience I Never Desired Because I Wanted to Be Pleasant
By: Sarah Stroh
Tags: Sex, Metoo, This Happened To Me, Travel, Relationships

An hour later I met Maurice as planned. He was sitting in a chair waiting for me. “Ready?”

“Yes!” I replied.

I followed him out to his moped, he helped me put on my helmet, and I got on behind him. I wrapped my arms around his waist, holding on tight as we cruised through the ancient city carved out of the side of a cliff.

At some point, we stopped at an overlook with a view of the city and the ocean stretching out behind it. It was stunning. There, Maurice told me a little about Sicily, and how he’d come to manage the hostel for the last few years.

Then we hopped back on the scooter and continued up the mountain.

We arrived at a small quaint village and went to a restaurant he knew with a view of the sunset.

On the restaurant’s rooftop terrace, a few couples were sitting around. This felt more romantic than I would have liked, but I knew it wasn’t a date. If he thought it was, that was his mistake.

As I sipped my drinks Maurice became funnier, he seemed more nourished. I let myself smile more fully.

I enjoyed his company. I enjoyed the cocktails and antipasti. And I felt lucky to have this experience.

Still, I felt an itch in the back of my mind. It said that this was too good to be true. That he would eventually expect something in return.

But then I shrugged those thoughts away.

Just a week before that another Sicilian man, who owned the hostel where I’d stayed in Rome, had taken me around his hometown. He let me stay at his father’s home in the guest room. He took me out to dinner with his friends. He picked me up and dropped me off at the train station. And the whole time, he never made any move or asked for anything.

I was so touched by his generosity.

Yes, some people in this world are just nice.

“You are so beautiful,” Maurice said as we watched the sun surrender its last rays.

“Thank you,” I said. Trying to enjoy the compliment for what it was. Just a compliment.

“I want to show you just one more thing,” he said. It’s not far from here.

“Okay,” I said, “I’m down.”

We walked out of the restaurant towards his moped where he snapped a picture of me and my helmet.

As he handed me back my phone, he kept his hands gripped around it and asked, “Can I kiss you please?”

Here it was.

I shook my head with a polite smile. I couldn’t say I was surprised he asked. But I didn’t want to kiss him. “No, I’m sorry, I don’t want to.”

“Oh, please, you are so beautiful,” he said.

“No,” I replied letting out a nervous laugh. “Maybe we should just go back now.”

“No, no, no, no. I want to show you this,” he said, and jumped on the scooter.

I sighed and hopped on behind him. Maybe he’d gotten the point.

A few minutes later, we arrived at an old church ruin. It was dark and no one else was around.

Photo of church // Provided by the author.

We walked through the arch at the foundation of the church to the other side where there was a fence with a cliff beyond it.

It was even darker there, and I started to feel the wind pick up on my shoulders. I crossed my arms as he approached me and put his fingers on my hair. “Please, let me just kiss you,” he said again.

“No,” I said still smiling. Trying to imagine this was all just a funny situation to be in.

He looked so disappointed, and I started to feel bad for him. It had been such a beautiful day and there he was, sad because of me.

“I just think you are so funny. And nice. And beautiful,” he said.

And then I thought, why not just kiss him? He wants this so badly and what do I have to lose by kissing him? Nothing.

He moved his face toward me again, and this time I didn’t resist. I kissed him back. And as I did, I closed my eyes and tried to enjoy it. And his lips pressed against mine did feel good in a way.

In my tipsy haze, I was able to feel aroused. And I certainly wasn’t the only one. As he pressed himself, rock hard against my thigh, he started to moan.

And I can’t tell you why I did what I did next.

Maybe it was a subconscious realization that it was the only way he would stop asking me for more. Maybe somewhere inside I just wanted to. I don’t know.

But then, I put my hand in his pants, which he unzipped so I could have easier access. And I stroked him. What seemed like only a minute later, he exploded.

Then we heard voices. More tourists. And the cloudy haze I was in lifted.

I was no longer aroused. Instead, I felt repulsed. “Maybe we should go back now,” I said.

“Yes,” he said. I waited patiently as he fixed his pants.

“One more kiss,” he said as he pulled me close to him. I kissed him back but then pulled away. “Okay, that’s enough.”

“What’s wrong?” he said.

“I don’t want to anymore.”

“Okay…” he said. “Is something wrong?”

“No, I just don’t want to right now,” I said firmly this time.

Finally, the smile was gone from my face as it dawned on me that I’d just done something I never really wanted to do.

I needed to get off of this mountain.

We got on the moped and started down the hill. As we passed that first viewpoint, I wished I could go back in time and warn myself to not give in.

I wondered how many young women he’d managed to do the same with. How many other women did he give give give to and make them feel indebted enough that they needed to “give” something back? I thought of the girl at the desk at the hostel.

Why couldn’t I have just kept saying no? I thought.

Now it was so clear to me that that was what I should have done.

It was only now that I’d given up something too that I finally felt entitled to deny him my body.

And looking back now, I realize one reason I hadn’t said no before was that I was afraid there would be no in between. Either I could keep being pleasant. Keep the peace. And kiss him back.

Or I had to lay down the law and be “mean.” As I finally ended up doing.

And I chose to be pleasant. I chose to do what would keep him happy. I chose to try to keep a friend rather than make an enemy.

And when you are traveling alone, that desire to make friends as opposed to enemies is particularly strong. He was the only one I knew in this town. I was in his territory. So I chose to go along, to not be forceful, because it was easier that way.

I didn’t think the decision would hurt me. After all, it was just my lips. My hands.

But in reality, it hurt both of us.

When we got back, he asked if I wanted to go to a bar. I said, “No, I just want to be by myself now.” And I went to my room. I wanted to forget all of this happened.

When I checked out the next day, he was at the desk alone. There was no smile on his face. He was cold and icy.

I guess he wanted to forget me too.