Kids Should Not Give Birth To Kids
By: Sukhi Ch.
Tags: Parenting, Motherhood, Marriage, Divorce, Children

Kids Should Not Give Birth To Kids

Image by NRP

When I had my first child, I was just 21 years old. I was a child myself. An ambitious child who had dreamt of very different things in life. Dreams of studying in the country’s best Art college, dreams of going abroad for higher studies. My teachers always told me that I will accomplish big things in life because I was a bright student. But there I was, married to a man double my age and a mother at 21.

It is not uncommon in Pakistan to be young mothers, but mostly these young mothers have support from their husband’s family. My husband was abusive and violent. He would beat me for anything at all and after the child, he started beating him too. I was too young to understand any of this.

I did not know how to keep my son safe from his own father. Like all young mothers, I was struggling with taking care of my son while living in an abusive marriage. After giving birth to my first child I went to a hospital for a birth control injection but the doctor said that I will never have another child if I go for birth control at such a young age.

My son was just 5 months old when I got pregnant again. I was totally clueless about there being any other precautions or medicines. There is no sex education in Pakistan and no one had told me about sex or pregnancies, or how they work. So I was pregnant again while I was going nuts taking care of a 5 months old already.

My daughter was also born via C-Section. Now I had two kids and I was a little better at parenting by this time but still, I was far from an ideal mother. My husband had become more abusive and my life was a nightmare. My own mother used to taunt me all the time for the dirty home or my lack of being a good wife. I used to feel exhausted and tired all the time.

When my daughter was a few months old, I started a job because we were getting dirt poor and my husband was getting deeper and deeper in his fraud schemes with people all around him. The job gave me some relief. I made some friends and got to know about adulthood and a life outside the four walls of my home. After just one and a half years, I was pregnant again because talking to my husband about protection would make him furious.

I gave birth to another daughter by major surgery while we were in extremely bad shape financially. My daughter was just 15 days old when my husband ran away from home. Just vanished. Because there were so many people after him because of his frauds. He left me with 4 months of house rent and bills due. I had to start working again just after 20 days of giving birth.

I shifted with my mother and siblings and started working hard to pay for rent, bills, groceries, etc. My husband resurfaced after 3 months and kidnapped my two elder children. I entered into a legal battle with him to get my kids back and also to get a divorce from him (Muslim women cannot divorce their husbands, they need to demand it from them). After 3 months of mental torture and emotional pain, I won both cases and got my kids back.

At the age of just 25, I was divorced with three young kids. My three siblings and mother were also mostly dependent on me because my mother was also divorced and only one of my sisters was working a small job. For the next five years, I worked hard day and night. My kids were in better condition and my siblings were also working by then.

During those five years, I went through a lot. I developed epilepsy, depression, and anxiety. I was not even the shadow of that ambitious girl who I used to be in my youth. After five years my ex-husband came back from underground and claimed the custody of the kids. He had magically become very rich in those five years. Court did not accept his petition to take custody of the kids but my mother forced me to give the kids to him because he was rich and he could give them a life that I never could. I let him meet the kids but did not agree to give them to him.

He asked me to let the kids live with him for the summer holidays at least. I let them go. But guess what? Kids became so used to having a car, servants, and a big house of their rich father that I felt it would be an injustice to snatch their happiness from them. I also moved to the city they were in and started working there. I used to visit them every weekend. I used to miss them a lot but seeing them comfortable in their father’s home was a relief too.

Meanwhile, their father got married to another woman and I also got married to the best human being on earth. The new wife of my ex-husband refused to let me meet the kids anymore. She kicked me in the ribs when I went there to meet my kids. For two years I tried to meet them by asking my elder relatives to help, but they did not let me even see my kids. I did not want to go to court because Pakistani courts are not a place for kids. They had already gone through the trauma of being in courtrooms when their father had filed for their custody.

After the effort of two years, when there was no other way left, I finally decided to go to court because of my mental health. I feel suicidal and gloomy all the time. So, I went to court and filed a petition to be able to meet my kids every weekend. I won the case within a month and yesterday I got the court decision that I will be able to bring kids to my home twice a month for eight hours, and also on Eid holidays.

I was so happy that I cried with joy. I shared this news with my relatives and friends. Do you know what most of them asked?

Why did you not file to get their custody? Don’t you want to live with your kids? What kind of mother would only visit her kids twice a month instead of living with them? Are you so happy in your second marriage that you don’t want the kids to disturb it? Is your current husband the reason you did not want the custody?

Most of them know all about my struggles in life, and still, they started shaming me for not getting custody of my kids. Why do they think it’s easy for me? Being a mother, the comfort and happiness of my children come first to me. I felt it will be very selfish of me if I rip them off the privileges they have with their father. My husband was never the reason behind it. He supported me during all this and even paid for lawyer and court expenses himself.

My question is, should a mother be judged for desiring a life that is best for her kids and her own self? I was too young to understand life when I was forced into it. But now I am mature and I know better. I really feel that it is best for everyone if instead of plucking my kids yet again and try to root them with myself with a new father, I let them live where they are comfortably settled.