Coming together as a couple this holiday season
By: E.B. Johnson
Tags: Relationships, Nonfiction, Self, Dating, Marriage

by: E.B. Johnson

It is not always easy to balance the chaos of the holidays against the relationships we share with our partners and our spouses. There’s a lot of stress attached to the festive season, and there’s a lot of responsibilities to meet. In order to keep our love solid and on track, we have to minimize the things that get in the way and intentionally make time and space for one another.

Reconnect this holiday season and find little ways to make special time for one another. Avoid risky behavior or shady spending, and be open, clear, and honest throughout the ups and downs and inevitable stress. Family and friends are so important during this special time, but so are our partners. Don’t assume that autopilot is good enough. Be there for one another and make the festive celebrations brighter for being together.

The holidays are a great time to reconnect.

Across cultures and families, this is a special time of year in which many come together and share closeness and memories. The holidays are a great time to connect, and the natural need of winter makes it more possible for us to slow things down and enjoy one another. Within that, though, we can often lose sight of our closest relationships — as we struggle to show up and show out for the friends and family that also form a part of the festive puzzle.

Don’t let your intimate relationship slide this year. There is a lot of extra stress and responsibility that comes with holidays celebrations, and they can often disrupt and distract us from putting the care we need into our most important partnerships.

Shut down the secretive spending and the invasive in-laws. Map out your hectic schedules and minimize the little aggravations by making one another a priority and focusing on forgiveness. Nurture your empathy and keep your problems (and your time together) a private affair. Even as you rush about to make space for your in-laws and your children — do the same for your partner. Show them love and reconnect by being kind to yourselves and kind to one another, intentionally.

Common problems our relationships face during the holidays.

The holidays are a beautiful time, but they can become a major stress too. There are a lot of extra obligations that come with this festive time of year, and it can be hard to meet these responsibilities while still balancing a happy partnership. Once we take off the goggles and get real about our holiday struggles, though, we can take focused action together as partners.

Risky behavior

There’s a lot of celebrating that goes on at this time of the year and with that can come a certain slackness. We get a bit looser with ourselves, our pockets, and even our boundaries during the holidays — and that can be a good and a bad thing. It becomes problematic when risky behavior like drinking and gambling get in the way of your relationship and your responsibilities. We have to be careful and honest with one another about our tendencies to fall into these habits.

Concealing spending

Money always seems to be an issue in our relationships at one point or another, and that’s especially true during the holidays. One of the most common disagreements that couples encounter is that of concealed spending. Instead of being honest with one another, one partner spends too much and then hides it from the other partner. Disagreements ensue, and the partners can often find that they end up with bigger problems than they had before.

Little aggravations

With stress comes aggravation and hundreds of little irritations that become bigger issues. More often than not, we’re buzzing around trying to do more than we should during the festive period. Things fall between the cracks and we find ourselves brushing up against little setbacks and irritations that aggravate us in major ways. When we’re irritated, stressed, and over-worked, we can find ourselves lashing out and landing in hot water that leads to big fights with our loved ones.

Family conflict

Family seems to be the center of the season for most people, and that’s a great thing. With that gathering, though, can come some serious stress. Adding more family to the picture can result in increased conflict and meddling that causes major division. It’s important that we set boundaries with our loved ones and make it clear that they aren’t welcome to get involved in our relationship issues.

Hectic schedules

Perhaps the biggest roadblock that most partnerships encounter over the holidays is that of the chaotic schedule. There’s a lot going on at the end of the year. We have to take care of a lot of things around the home and within our immediate families. Work often demands more of us, and there seems to be no end to the invitations, gifts, cards, and decorating that needs to be done. Things are hectic. When you fail to make time for one another, this chaos gets in the way of relationship happiness.

How to make time for one another in the festive season.

Don’t let everyone else get in the way of your relationship this year. Make intentional (and mindful) time and space for one another in a way that allows you to reconnect and reaffirm your love. Prioritize your relationship and be empathetic and forgiving with one another. Festive winter days can be a special time. Do what you can to enjoy that with your loved one.

1. Make time a priority

Throughout our relationships, it’s important to make time and space for one another. When stress is running especially high, though, or your relationship is going through a challenging time (as it often does during the holiday period) it becomes even more so. You have to make yourselves a priority, and you have to make your relationship a priority too. Just because you give more to others during the festive season doesn’t mean you stop giving to yourselves and the love you share.

Sit down together and hash out your hectic schedules. No matter what you have going on, find a way to regularly spend one-on-one time together. You don’t have to go out on big expensive dates. A night on the sofa in front of the TV can be enough.

Just ensure that you’re both consciously and intentionally clearing time to spend as spouses and as partners. Use that time to talk, bond, and reconnect over everything you have going on at home, at work, and in your social circles. Be candid with one another. Be present. If your mind is somewhere else, then you aren’t really with your partner. Spice things up and make time interesting and exciting. Try new things and look forward to your time together.

2. Focus on forgiveness

How often do you focus on forgiveness in your relationship? Do you easily let things go? Or do you hold on tight until you feel some sort of “justice”? During the festive season, we can find ourselves dealing with a lot of excess stress and responsibilities. Within that, things can fall through the cracks and we can find ourselves dropping the ball and making mistakes. That’s why we have to make forgiveness a part of everything we’re doing as a couple during this time of the year.

Incorporate more forgiveness into your connection this year. Stop obsessing over all the little aggravations and learn to let things go. When your partner does something small and inconsequential, don’t even waste your time and energy on it. You have enough going on. Walk away, take a deep breath, and count to 10.

Give your partner some leeway. Cut them (and yourself) some slack by forgiving them and moving on, rather than allowing big conflicts to stir and fester between you. This is only a temporary moment in time. Look to the new year and all the opportunities you will have to reconnect and bond after this stressful season passes. Is this small irritation really worth a major fight? Always question yourself and forgive where you can.

3. Nurture your empathy

Empathy is another important component of every relationship, but it also becomes especially critical when we’re dealing with high periods of stress. Our empathy allows us to connect, person-to-person, and understand one another on a real and emotional level. When you’re empathetic with someone, you are able to put yourself in their shoes and see things from the same perspective as them. It’s a powerful tool to aid in our forgiveness, and one which helps us to reconnect.

Nurture your empathy, both within yourselves and with one another. When things get tough, take a step back and try to see things from the other person’s point-of-view. Look at their feelings and try to recall an instance when you felt the same feelings. Put yourself back into that place of sadness, grief, or insecurity.

The more you can empathize with one another, the easier it becomes to forgive and remained connected through the hardship. Instead of approaching one another with hostility or aggravation, approach one another in this form of compassionate understanding. We are all just doing the best we can in a very confusing state of affairs and time of the year. Don’t pile on to the pressures by punishing someone needlessly.

4. Keep it a private affair

The holiday season is one that is generally packed with all types of events, get-togethers, and family gatherings. And while this festive period is shaping up to look a lot different from any we’ve known before, it’s still proving to be over-scheduled and filled with all kinds of social obligations and responsibilities. Despite all this extra family time, it’s important that you both keep your issues to yourself and avoid involving anyone else.

While it can be tempting to garner the support of nearby friends and family, don’t involve others in the conflicts that you have brewing between you over the holidays. Unless your life is in absolute peril, you and your partner are responsible for getting on the same page and finding peace.

Keep your conflicts a private affair this holiday season. If you can’t avoid the head-butting, and apologies and empathy don’t work — get a little space from one another and process your own feelings without getting others involved. Allowing outside influences into your disagreements only muddies the waters and makes it harder to get back on track. Sort out your own emotions and issues before you run to guests and loved ones.

5. Be kind to yourselves

Inside of our relationships we can often lose sight of ourselves, and that’s especially true during the holidays. We’re so busy running after everyone else’s happy experiences and gift lists, that we often don’t take any time at all to nurture our own physical and emotional bodies. This impacts our interpersonal relationships, which in turn feeds back to the way we feel inside. Want to be happier as a couple? Be happier on an individual level.

Be kind to yourself this holiday. Don’t forget to take a few minutes each day to remind yourself that you’re worthy and capable. Give yourself a hug and celebrate at least 3 things you’ve done well each and every day.

Do little things for yourself that allow you rest and recharge your emotional battery. Journal when you’re feeling stressed. Take a bubble bath and listen to some mindful meditation. Go on a walk, a hike, a jog. There are thousands of small, affordable, creative ways in which to give yourself a little boost. It will make you a more confident, fulfilled, and joyful partner — which is helpful during any time of the year.

Putting it all together…

The holidays are a special time in which we get to reconnect with one another and our sense of wonder and joy. That extends to our intimate relationships, in which we can use this special time to tighten our bonds with one another. Along with this festive period comes unique stressors, though, which can be tricky to overcome as a couple. In order to do that, we have to remain committed to one another and the lives we’re seeking to build.

Make time for one another a priority. Carve out regular windows in which you can both reconnect and have fun with one another. Focus on forgiveness. It’s a stressful time for everyone. Be understanding and employ your deeper sense of compassion and empathy. When your partner or spouse screws up, try to see things from their point of view and seek to see where they might be coming from. Although you may have more support in the shape of family and friends around you, don’t put them in the middle. Unless you’re in danger, keep your problems to yourself and seek to resolve your own issues before you involve others. The holidays should be a time of heightened joy and limited conflict. Pick the battles that matter and remember to be kind to yourself. The happier and more complete you feel, the better you will be as a partner no matter the season.