My life with PTSD
Tags: Baby, Life, Pandemic, Blog, PTSD

I was diagnosed with PTSD at the end of 2020. Along with PTSD, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. This wasn't really a surprise to me because I could tell something was off. I wasn't feeling myself. I hadn't felt myself in a very long time. I think these diagnoses were around for a long time.

I started my therapy in the mists of a pandemic. Therefore I have video chats with my therapist, in my apartment, with my 4 month old next to me. It has been hard to adjust to my new diagnosis as well as a new life with a child. I am 22 years old, I have PTSD, anxiety, and depression, with a new child. All during a global pandemic that everyone has to deal with.

Prior to 2020, I lived in a different area with my wife who was going to school and I was working. Any time I could spare I was out in the mountains, exploring, taking photos, driving around, and so many more. I loved to do this. I was happy with my wife and my exploration. We didn't make much money, We scraped by with what we had, trying to pay for college each semester so we didn't have to get a student loan. We lived in a tiny one-bedroom apartment that was under 400 square feet. Our bathroom had a door that was just wider than two feet, the shower head was sitting at five feet, so you had to bend to get your head wet. The kitchen had a fridge that was five feet tall, and like two feet wide, the stove could barely fit a cookie sheet longways and a sink. I love to cook and I had two feet by two feet counter space. It was a nightmare. The entrance to the kitchen was about two and a half feet wide and had no windows. Oh, and the entire apartment was made out of cinderblocks. So the wall inside and out was concrete. It was a cozy apartment, and I really did like it, there were a few things that bothered me but overall I really did like the place. It was nice to be close with my wife when we were first married and it helped us learn how to better live together.

Fast forward to 2020 and we moved to a new area that we both were somewhat familiar with because my wife graduated and was offered a job. We moved and found out we were pregnant within the next month. It was an exciting time as we learned more about our baby growing and developing. We decided my wife would work and I would stay home with our child. I had just started college back up at the beginning of 2020. This just seemed to be the best option for us. We went to the hospital the day of the birth and it was a long 12 house labor. This was one of the factors of my anxiety. (to clarify, I had all the signs of depression and anxiety prior to this, as well as my PTSD is from prior things, that I might get into in another post) The pregnancy and the labor were definitely hard. labor especially was traumatic. My child got stuck in the birth canal, my wife blew her iv and was bleeding out. It was definitely a hard day as well as the days after we were in the hospital due to complications with my wife and child. I think I got around three hours of sleep in three days. It was not good. This adding to my anxiety, when I don't get much sleep, my anxiety goes up.

At the end of 2020, I started going to the doctor and talking about my mental health. I was recommended to my temporary therapist just to see if I needed to find a long-term therapist. I am now diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and anxiety, and I am six sessions in with my therapist. I will soon start with my long-term therapist and start working harder on my PTSD specifically. I had never been to therapy, prior to this, so it has been interesting to only go over the video call. It's not like what you see in any movie that's for sure.

I have seen an improvement since I have gone to my therapist. Especially in my suicidal thoughts, which is always something they want to focus on and tackle right away. It has been nice to be able to clear my mind from those thoughts or not even have them because I have taught my mind to think of other things. I am doing better in my anxiety and my depression, but it definitely is still there. Better as in its not at the top of the scale, it's more of the high middle, like a 1–10 scale I was at a 10 and now I'm at a 7 or so. All depending on the day.

My life has definitely changed in the last year. So has everyones though. Amidst a global pandemic that is well over a year old now, life for anyone is no longer the same. For me, the pandemic has affected everything we do, and adding to that a new baby, PTSD, anxiety, depression, and more suicide thoughts, it has not been the best year. 2020 was amazing that I got to spend more time with my wife and that we had a baby, don't get me wrong, that was amazing. The parts that were the hardest were the effects of the pregnancy and the labor, as well as the pandemic and my diagnoses.

Trying to resume everyday life has been hard enough for everyone with this pandemic. Having to try and figure out my new normal with a child and PTSD has made it all the harder. The night mears, the day terrors, and the flashbacks have been all too real in a world where I cant get out of my head. I honestly know that my wife and baby have saved my life. I don't think I would have any purpose without them. I would still be in the crappy situation that I was in prior, just going down an ever dropping hole. I can thank my wife and baby for keeping me here and improving my life.

It has been a struggle to deal with all of this. Trying to relive past experiences with my therapist to help me deal with them has been the most triggering thing I have done. I have had triggered times in my life, but bringing them on, on purpose… has been a whole different story. Trying to go so far back in my head to pull out things that happened 15 plus years ago, has been a very hard and time-consuming process.

Trying to do this all while not sleeping due to a new baby, and my usual not sleeping. It has made things worse. I had a therapy appointment today, and we talked about my sleep and how my not sleeping has added to this spiraling effect. Where when I don't get much sleep I start to get more anxious and then that makes it harder to fall asleep so I get even more anxious so it's even harder to sleep and so on. I struggled to sleep prior to this at times but now that I add the lack of sleep from my baby, it has made it hard to get away from this spiral.

I started this blog to track my thoughts and emotions. I wanted to write them down and hopefully get them out of my head. I'm going to try and head to bed because it's 11:40 and I need all the sleep I can get. If anyone reads this, I hope it was understandable as well as helpful if you are going through something similar. And if you are going through something similar, hang in there, it will get better, and seek help if you can.

Thank you for reading, and ill see you in the next one.

— Tanner

1/20/2021