Dating Expert Andrea McGinty: “5 Things You Need to Know to Survive and Thrive During & After A Divorce”
By: Ilyssa Panitz
Tags: Relationships, Wellness, Divorce, Women, Dating

If you were to write the script for this post-divorce chapter in your life, I want you to title it, “Your Excellent New Adventure.” We have talked about finding a hobby, making time for you, meeting new friends and the icing on the cake, dating. No more venting about your ex not understanding you, not paying attention to you, not noticing you, the communication gap that manifested inside and outside the bedroom! Now you have control and the freedom to get back out there and find someone who can give you all that plus, make you feel special and wanted again. Intrigued? Andrea McGinty is a premier dating coach and founder of the newly launched, 33 Thousand Dates and started It’s Just Lunch. McGinty says the first step is being ready for a thrill.

Ilyssa Panitz: Let’s get the lowdown on you.



Andrea McGinty: I have been doing this for over 25-years, so I consider myself quite the dating expert. I have clients that are regular people and celebrities you see in the spotlight. I got into this back when I was in my 20’s and in the process of getting married. Five weeks before my wedding my fiancé called me and basically dumped me. I was thinking, “How am I going to meet people?” The most common places are college, grad school and the workplace. I was thinking, who do I go to? I was living in Chicago at the time and while I had friends looking to fix me up, the matches were all wrong. I was meeting these people over lunch or a casual drink after work. I figured each would last an hour and then give me the option to get out of there if I was not having a good time. I knew I was good at fixing people up and compared it to be like a recruiter and the idea was born.



Ilyssa Panitz: It is like you being here right now with me. You have to interview clients like I am interviewing you for this story?



Andrea McGinty: Yeah. We ask them a lot of questions, so we get to know them before we send them out. I would want to know about a person’s background and what they do professionally. Once we found some commonalities, we will have you go meet for lunch and then call us with your feedback. This was so helpful to us because it is you telling us what you thought of the person such as: was the guy was good looking, he was too quiet and then apply those responses to your next date. I started sending people out on dates and before I knew it, I sent 33,000 people out on dates hence that became the name of my company. The majority of my business is people who are 20 and 30-somethings. It has now expanded to an older demographic. When I started my company, there was no online dating the way it is today.

Ilyssa Panitz: I wanted to mention that. How has your business changed since online dating on your desktop computer and all of these apps on your phone developed?



Andrea McGinty: It has changed a lot, of course. I know what it is like because I have kept up with it as it has evolved. I have helped people work on their profile, update their profiles, suggest a photo and choose the right site. I would say 90% of my business is teaching people how to use a site to work to their advantage. That means not sitting around and wasting your time answering responses such as: “You’re so cute we need to meet.” I try to teach them how to avoid being just a text buddy, FaceTime friend and deciding who is worth meeting and how to choose wisely from the pool to make that happen.



Ilyssa Panitz: How does a FaceTime date call work?



Andrea McGinty: You want to use that time wisely to decide if you can talk to this person face to face and see if there is enough substance to invest the time and meet for a real date. You can also use this time to see what he looks like, check out his manners, a little bit about where he lives and get a real feel of what their personality is like. I try to put a cap on how much time you should spend on a call like this. If you decide to turn it into a happy hour, look to see what they are drinking. That could say a lot about them and if they have a sense of humor.



Ilyssa Panitz: Can you still meet in person given the Covid-19 pandemic?



Andrea McGinty: Depending on where you live, sure. If you are somewhere and it is cold, some places have outdoor bubbles with heating lamps that abide by the safety guidelines so you can have brunch or a drink. I suggest scheduling the date for about an hour and make sure to talk about their feelings about the pandemic ahead of time. Also, see if they are staying current and relevant to what is happening.



Ilyssa Panitz: Talk to me about dating after a divorce?



Andrea McGinty: For people who have been married for a long time, the online dating thing is going to be new to them. We spend time teaching these clients about the dangers, mistakes and the pitfalls that can go along with it.



Ilyssa Panitz: Such as?



Andrea McGinty: Dating online gives more people options to meet someone. What that means is finding the right meeting places for a date and finding the right dating app that is best suited for where you are. For a hook-up, think Tinder. For a long-term relationship, think Match. If a divorced woman between 38–40 is getting back out there, and wants a serious relationship with a quality man, go to a site because that is where they tend to look. A great example is Elite. I also suggest just using one site at a time. You really need to fully understand how the site and the filters work so you can monitor it best to your advantage. I do not want people to get bummed out or overwhelmed. Men tend to respond to fresh meat and a new picture. When you get overwhelmed with an influx of messages and they are saying things like, “Hey baby you are so cute let’s meet,” I want them woman to put them in a pile and ignore them.



Ilyssa Panitz: What do you do in a situation like that?



Andrea McGinty: Go to the site filters and put in what “you” are looking for. Height, geographic location, religion (if it applies) and be proactive in what is a priority for you. Then go back and see who fits. If you respond to everyone it will be disastrous.



Ilyssa Panitz: What are some eye catching key words you should use on your profile so it does not sound like the others?



Andrea McGinty: A picture is a thousand words. Make sure it is a great picture of you. Once a guy sees if you are cute, try to include funny words too. Show off your humor. Maybe you can find something positive that came out of the pandemic. Also, highlight something interesting about yourself such as a book you wrote or a mountain you climbed.



Ilyssa Panitz: What about those who shy away from online dating because they hear the horror stories?



Andrea McGinty: Well, there are a lot of marriages that come out of them too. Don’t talk to too many people. You will get too many opinions and you need to get over the horror stories. Look at it as a new adventure. See it as fun!



Ilyssa Panitz: I want to jump ahead to the first date. For people who are going through a divorce or are already divorced, why should you not overshare on the first in-person meeting?



Andrea McGinty: You should never overshare on your first date. You are just getting to know this person and it should go slowly. People who want to talk about their divorce, or that they are still dealing with custody issues — these topics are negative, and you do not get a second chance to make a first impression. Instead, I encourage people to maybe mention something along the lines of, you have kids but then leave it at that. Do not give the other person too much information. The only thing you should think about is if you want to go on a second date with them. Get to the second date and then try to imagine if you could see yourself bringing this person to a cocktail party with your friends. It is one baby step at a time. You need to keep some things private especially in the beginning. You do not know this person well enough to disclose things like that.



Ilyssa Panitz: How do you handle the question, “Why did you get divorced” without giving away too much?



Andrea McGinty: You can handle that by being positive. Say, “I was divorced after 20-years and for me that was a home run being married for that long. It was amicable and I am moving on.” Then change the subject and move on to something new. Do not say, tell me about yours because a lot of divorces are not amicable and their situation can be nasty. Stick to a positive answer rather then a negative. No one wants to hear crummy stories.



Ilyssa Panitz: I am sure.



Andrea McGinty: It is also a sign that you are not ready to date. If the first thing you are going to hear and talk about from the other person is why they got divorced, they probably have not moved on. Someone who is ready to date will not focus on it but rather talk about something they noticed in your profile picture or in your bio. When you are in a good place, your answer will change to something like, “I am loving my new hobby, my new job or extra time with my kids.”



Ilyssa Panitz: For a woman who is coming out of a long-term marriage and seeking to meet someone new, what kind of questions do you ask of her and the men you can introduce her to?



Andrea McGinty: Values is a big one. I ask about interests such as: do you work-out? What do you do in your free time? Tell me a bit your family? Tell me about your last relationship and why it worked? What didn’t you like about the person? What was your favorite quality about them?



Ilyssa Panitz: What are the red flags someone should look for and not ignore?



Andrea McGinty: Attitude! You want to be on a date with someone who has a positive and great attitude. If he has a horrible attitude and bashing his ex-wife, you are done! You should look at this as a fun adventure and treat it as I get to meet someone new. If it doesn’t work out look at it as I have three more dates lined up next week. Take the whole process in stride and you are being introduced to a lot of interesting people. Also, look for signals that the person is talking too much about their ex at every opportunity. They are not ready to date, especially if they are fresh off the boat and just signed their divorced papers. You don’t want someone spending all of the time ripping their ex-wife and the alimony they have to pay.



Ilyssa Panitz: How important is location, location, location?



Andrea McGinty: It is very important. I once had a well-established male client, and he was upset about the types of women he was meeting. When I looked at his profile, it stated he was willing to meet women up to 200-miles away from where he lived and he included pictures of himself without a shirt on. First off, 200-miles is a far distance, and second those images are a turn off. You have to be dressed when you are posting an image and narrow down a radius that is realistic. Everyone is busy and wants easy access to meet someone for a drink, dinner or spend an afternoon going on a hike. Try to pin it down to a ten-mile radius.



Ilyssa Panitz: How do you inspire women to not get discouraged if the dating experience is not starting off well?



Andrea McGinty: I start with tweaking the profile, I may add a second dating site and then fine tooth some of the responses to the questions. It may take a dozen or so dates until you meet someone who is well suited for you. Remember, there is nothing wrong with going back and adding something we forgot. It can open the pool up a lot and give her more opportunities to meet the right person.



Ilyssa Panitz: What are five things someone needs to know to survive and thrive during/after divorce in the dating world?



Andrea McGinty: One: Make sure you are ready to date. Be aware that everything that comes out of your mouth is neutral, happy and not negative.



Two: Hire someone who knows what they are doing so you have a positive experience, especially coming off a divorce. It will cost you the same as signing up for a bunch of different dating websites. I charge a few hundred bucks but then again so do these sites over the course of time.



Three: Go treat yourself to a make-over. Buy some new clothes for dating, get a new haircut or get some new make-up. Feel really good about yourself with a whole new look.



Four: Have a positive attitude! You do not want to be with someone who is doom and gloom so neither should you.



Five: Do not stop dating after your first online date. Keep going. Keep getting out there. Do not put all of your eggs in one basket just because one date went well or give up because the first one was a dud. You are more desirable to a man when you are actively dating because he realizes other men are interested in you too.