My Body
Tags: Empowerment, Body, Body Positive, Body Image, Self Love

Let’s chat.

It has taken me years to finally feel at home inside of my own body. Then one I was given. The one I was chosen for. The one I am lucky to have.

It has been with me through it all. Years of neglect and hate. Unnerving thoughts of “if only I could just cut this part off” as I hold the skin of my stomach in between my fingers and pinch. Months of restrict + binge, restrict + binge until I would have a mental breakdown and blame it on something unrelated. Years of comparison. Of letting the meer existence of another human being insinuate jealousy, anger, envy, insecurity, and hatred. Not of them, of me.

Who taught me this? Where did I learn that I was not enough and that I was only healthy if I was below a certain number on the scale, I was only an athlete if I had six-pack abs, I was only loveable if I would scrunch myself into the smallest shape I could and PRAY that whoever I was with’s hands would not venture to my tummy. I would strategically hug, stand, and snuggle in order to hide parts of myself. Parts I thought were unloveable. Parts that brought me a deep disgust and hatred of my own body. No one did. It was a part of the culture I lived in.

This only began to shift once I developed a deep understanding of WHO I WAS. My identity. My inherent worth. My values.

Now, when reflecting on those, it seems that nowhere on the list lay any physical trait whatsoever. Not one. That is because our worth is connected to our soul, and our soul lives inside of a home. And your home doesn’t make you who you are, does it?

That being said I have come to develop a deep and sincere gratitude for mine. A love like no other.

I am finally conscious of the work my body has been doing for me in my 23 years on this planet. It has been keeping me alive. Fighting for me. Despite the countless lies I screamed at her. The countless looks of disgust. The countless calories counted. The countless rules I created. She continued to hold me.

For that — I am forever grateful.

Now me and her get to romp and play and enjoy foods that I never thought I would have the honor of eating again. Foods I swore off. Foods I thought that if I allowed into my life, I would not be able to bear my binge-worthy habits and thus, I would lose all control and gain a bunch of weight.

The kind of restriction and limiting belief system that said “more weight=bad” would continue to make my relationship with not only my body but food as well, extremely disordered.

Today, right before sitting down to write this, I had peanut butter toast as a snack for the first time in probably 6 years.

I enjoyed every last bite, as the rest of the sourdough loaf sat on the counter. Old Abby would have spiraled as soon as the first bite touched her lips. Her actions to follow would usually look something like this:

Chew up the food and then spit it out Binge and have 6 slices versus 2 Eat both pieces and throw it up later Eat both pieces and shame myself for the rest of the day and/or week for being “bad” Go one a 3 mile run to make up for my “mistake”

These all reflect a very disordered relationship with self.

These all are too incredibly common.

These are all signs of a wound, of deep shame, hurt, and hatred.

These all are representative of a culture that has created and fed the lie that being smaller equated to being healthier, more desirable, more attractive, more worthy, you name it, the list goes on.

Though it is difficult to look back at those years and tell the girl that was hurting that it is okay. That she was lost but it wasn’t her fault. That her body has always been beautiful and strong and worthy of awe. I am happy to do so. I am happy to continue healing and continue nurturing the girl that didn’t believe she was enough. I am happy to stand up for women who have experienced similar debilitating emotions. I am happy to be a voice for the ones who feel like they cannot speak. I am happy to change the culture that got me sick.

Because I felt silent for so long. I felt as if being too loud, too large, too anything would result in a lack of love.

This is also a lie.

Today I write to you in full transparency, I feel more loved, more seen, and more appreciated than ever in my life. By others yes, but mostly by myself.

And I write this ultimately to get to the fairly new territory of sharing myself on social media.

In a nutshell — in order to do the kind of work I aim to do. In order to empower and inspire other women that their bodies are perfect just the way they are, I show up in a way that is true to myself. In a way that is authentic. In a way that I am FREE and broken from the chains that kept me in my sickness for so long.

Meaning this:

I will post, share, and comment on exactly what I want to when I want to. I do not need permission from you or anyone else.

I will honor my body and feelings of empowerment in ways authentic to me.

I will move, dance, and play at my own pace.

I will NOT change, cover-up, or hide myself for anyone.

I will NOT continue to feed a culture full of lies and distaste.

I will honor other women and how they choose to feel empowered in their skin.

I will NEVER shame someone for sharing themselves with the world.

I will ignore all comments (polite or not) that aim to shame me back into that world.

I will ALWAYS listen and do what feels best for me.

I will NEVER question another woman’s “reasons” for posting something. Hint: She doesn’t have to have any.

I will continue to share my body in all her glory with the world EVEN if it makes YOU uncomfortable.

I will continue to live my life the way I want to EVEN IF THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.

I will choose to remember that other people's discomfort is reflective of their own ideals and bear no weight on my worth.

I will constantly show gratitude to my body for housing my soul.

I will release any false sense of control I have over other people's opinions and comments.

I will work hard to heal and understand that the neglect I put my body through was not my fault.

I will work hard to share my story so others feel safe in theirs.

And I will continue to point out the discrepancies our society has chosen to pursue in a culture who values sex (when idolized) and shame (when not). Example: Famous stars receiving praise and awe for sexualizing their bodies vs. politicians being shamed and even denoted for previously taking and/or sharing nude photos with a partner.

We allow nudity when we want it. We disgrace and taboo it when we don’t.

Girl, if you feel most empowered when you are fully covered: MORE POWER TO YOU. If you feel most empowered when you are in your undies and a t-shirt: MORE POWER TO YOU. If you feel most empowered nude: MORE POWER TO YOU. If you feel most empowered when you can live your life free from comments of other people projecting their wounded relationships and ideals onto you: THEN AMEN, SISTER!!!!

We are working on creating that world. For now, understand that these comments can hurt, we cannot control them, AND we do not exist to please or even entertain them.

No matter what anybody says, passively, directly, nicely, not-so-nicely, your body is yours and no one elses to decide whether or not it be seen.

I never saw bodies like mine on tv, in magazines, etc. I was trying to be like the models I saw for THAT was the only definition of beauty I knew. Now I know that true beauty comes from within — and if that means dancing around in your underwear on a Saturday morning while your thighs jiggle and your heart sings then HELL YEAH, SIS. Start applauding each other for SHOWING UP.

Otherwise, if you feel the need to spread judgment, shame, or even your unsolicited advice, kindly stop.

Our bodies should be celebrated for the life they bring us.

I hope you are celebrating yours.

If you are in need of some empowerment and looking for other game-changers to follow and learn from, here are a few that have inspired me:

Tori Deatherage (_torideatherage — Instagram)

Julia Parzyck (fitfatandallthat — Instagram)

Sarah Nicole (thebirdspapaya — Instagram)

Lauren Hansen (living.as.lauren — Instagram)

Mik Zazon (mikzazon — Instagram)

Ariella Nyssa (ariellanyssa — Instagram)

Karina Irby (karinairby — Instagram)

Sydney Hella (sydneyhella — Instagram)

The Identity of She (theidentityofshe — Instagram)

The Body Needs Love (thebodyneedslove — Instagram)

Chelsea Charlotee (choosingchelsea — Instagram)

Steph Góngora (casacolibri — Instagram)

Jungle Sol (junglesolconnection — Instagram)

These are just a few of the game changers out there seriously making a HUGE difference in the world. Thank you all for showing up. I am so beyond inspired by ALL OF YOU.

All of this post comes from love. If you are struggling to see that, please please please turn inward and question what is causing you discomfort and refrain from commenting on other people’s bodies no matter their size, how they are dressed, and especially how they choose to show up.

With love,

Abby, (authenticabbs — Instagram)