Dear Americans: Time to Choose Between Anal Warts and Penile Gangrene
By: Jack Pinetree
Tags: Comedy, Satire, 2020 Presidential Race, Humor, Trump

Photo by Stockbakery of Shutterstock

Hello, my dear fellow american patient,

This is your doctor.

I’m sending you this email after our last consultation to let you know that you are suffering from a severe case of penile gangrene, which has gone unchecked for the past four years. It’s really bad and it can tear the entire fabric of your winnie-willy. If this keeps up, your dick is gonna fall off.

But I have good news — there is a new powerful experimental treatment out there. You take one pill once and boom!… The penile gangrene is gone for the next four years.

Only there is a catch. As a side effect of the medication, you’re gonna develop anal warts. And by this, I mean really serious and massive acne that pops-up randomly in the inner workings of your butthole.

I guess it’s up for you to decide, so let’s weight the pros and cons of each, shall we?

Anal warts are much less painful and you’ll only have to think about them whenever you take a dump or sit in a chair. You can enjoy the rest of your day happily and pretend they aren’t there since, unlike their counterpart, they are not constantly making themselves noted by doing embarrassing stuff like releasing unpleasant smells or making crackling sounds whenever you are trying to enjoy your private family time. Penile gangrene, on the other side, is always there — itching, burning and destroying the tissue of your penis. You can’t ignore or stop thinking about it and will often lose your sleep at night because of it.

However, the problem with anal warts is that they are really sneaky and can silently show up on your behind overnight without warning in a semi-predatory fashion, the only benefit being that you will find yourself reminiscing about ancient stories when american buttholes used to be healthier. On the other hand, the penile gangrene is something that you can’t miss, since it usually just grabs you by the genitals.

Anal warts are also a bit more inclusive. They can show up in your butthole regardless of your gender, unlike penile gangrene, which you can only contract if you are lucky enough to be part of a certain privileged group of people who have a penis, to begin with.

Penile gangrene can also be confused by your spouse with a messed-up sexually transmittable disease, like the ones caught by certain married men who cheat on their wives with filthy adult film actresses without wearing a condom — which means it can ruin your sex life forever. But, with butthole warts, you can still participate in any form of sexual endeavor as long as your rectum isn’t involved.

And by the way, when you contract penile gangrene, you also have to live with the knowledge that it is probably kind of your fault, since you did nothing to prevent it. You either allowed your sugar levels to reach crazy highs, alcohol poisoned your blood flow or masturbated too much while watching Stormy Daniels clips on Pornhub. The anal warts, however, are the lesser of two evils you obligatorily have to choose in order to save the remains of your pee-wee, which I guess can make you feel better with your conscience.

What is that? You say you don’t want to have either anal warts or penile gangrene? Pfff… What do you think this is, a charity? You should be grateful for the opportunity to be part of this great experimental american medical trial! What do you want, a third genital infection to chose from? Yeah, right… We all know that doesn’t work. Don’t ruin everything for those of us who want the butthole warts, will you? Otherwise you’re gonna end up getting another four years of penile gangrene!

Ok, I’ll tell you what, you can try moving to Canada… I have a cousin up there who tried a new experimental treatment and it worked.

The only problem is… He had to chose between a more moderate version of the anal warts and politer hemorrhoids.

Take care,

Your Doctor