Are You an Abusive Person?
By: Stef Hill
Tags: Self-awareness, Relationships, Mental Health, Self, Abuse

Most of us don’t want to be an abusive or toxic person. We don’t want to hear someone we care about say that we hurt them. We don’t want to end up estranged from those we care about.

No one wants to read an email, letter or blog post detailing how just being themselves has hurt and driven away someone they love.

Being an abusive person will mean you hurt the people that are closest to you. Imagine destroying the love someone has for you by being an abusive nightmare. Who wants to face up to that?

Being the toxic person in a relationship or family is like playing pass the parcel with a hot brick. No one wants to be left holding it. Still, abusive people exist, so it’s got to be someone. You hopefully already know that physical abuse is bad but people frequently hurt others without getting physical.

If you value your relationships you should be worried if you regularly display any of these behaviors:

You don’t care how your behavior affects others.

If certain political topics make people around you uncomfortable you still bring them up relentlessly. Why should you pander to people when it comes to what you think? If you’re asked not to make derogatory comments on someone’s weight, you go out of your way to do it. Someone asks you not to swear? Fuck that.

If someone politely asks you to modify your behaviour and you flat out refuse; that should tell you something.

You don’t understand the word “inappropriate”.

Most of us worry that we’ve done something inappropriate from time to time. A red flag for abusive behaviour is that people are constantly telling you that you’re being inappropriate.

They constantly tell you and you constantly don’t care, so you never change.

This is a sign that you like to do things your way and anyone who disagrees with you is wrong. This attitude could quite easily lead you to be abusive towards people.

You blame others for your bad behavior.

You raised your voice because someone annoyed you. You caused a scene at that graduation dinner because no one talked about what interests you. You insulted your daughter’s boyfriend because his dress sense irritated you. You threw away your wife’s photo albums because she doesn’t keep the kitchen tidy enough.

Do you get into these kinds of arguments with the people close to you?

This is a double whammy of abusive behavior. You’re not only upsetting someone but when challenged you insist they brought it on themselves.

This can start out as you just wanting to avoid the unpleasant truth that you’ve upset someone but it can very quickly become controlling behaviour. If everyone around you does as they’re told everything will be OK. If they don’t then they sort of asked for you to get angry.

Treating someone badly in order to punish them for something you think they did wrong is abusive. There is nothing healthy about taking punitive action against someone you are supposed to care about. You’re basically telling the other person that if they slip up in your eyes they get hurt in some way. This kind of attitude will make you toxic to be around, it doesn’t matter if you’re making excuses or you really believe your justification. The effect on your loved one will still be damaging.

If this point applies to you then it’s a worrying one. It’s a sign that you have very poor communication skills and struggle to manage your emotions. The potential for you to be or become abusive is quite high.

When someone tells you how they feel, you feel confused.

This one is quite simple. If you can’t understand other people’s feelings it’s a sign that you’re very fixated on your own.

Do you mind not turning every conversation around to the election? I’m getting tired of it.

Why not? I enjoy it.

Making rude remarks about my weight hurts my feelings.

Well it’s all true. If you can’t handle the truth that’s your problem.

You know I’m vegetarian, I don’t want to eat that.

Being vegetarian is a stupid fad, I cooked meat, eat it or go without.

That’s a terrible thing to say.

You’re too sensitive, you’re just being silly.

If other people’s feelings do not compute for you then that’s a big red flag.

Do you think how you feel about something should dominate another person’s life?

If so, you’re likely causing offense, upset and resentment on a very regular basis.

You see emotional expression as weakness.

Toxic and abusive people don’t like it when people express how they feel. They see this as weak rather than as an attempt to create peace and harmony in the relationship.

If you carry on long enough with this attitude you alienate your loved ones. They won’t bother trying to connect with you on an emotional level. Your relationships with them will feel strained and distant. Bear in mind, they’ll still form emotional connections with people, just not with you.

Showing emotional vulnerability, as well as giving and receiving emotional support is integral to a close relationship. However, no one said it was easy.

If you want happy, close relationships you can’t opt out of vital aspects of them.

You think your abusive background was fine.

“It never did me any harm.”

Whenever someone utters this phrase they make it plainly obvious that whatever they’re talking about did in fact do them harm.

This attitude is a really strong indication that people around you are going to end up suffering because of you.

Firstly this phrase is almost always a response to someone explaining that they are upset by something. This phrase then totally shuts them down. That’s not conducive to a good relationship.

Secondly this train of thought is usually followed up with justification by comparison.

You didn’t give the kids lunch.

I used to go days at a time without food, it never did me any harm.

I can’t believe you ignored me for the whole day.

My father once didn’t talk to me for a week.

This kind of poor communication turns an attempt to discuss and resolve something into a competition you always win.

You’re not really saying that you think it’s fine to not give the kids their lunch. You’re saying you refuse to discuss the matter and you’ll do what you want.

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Good relationships are the cornerstone of a happy life. If you recognize yourself in some of the points here then you need to take action. Don’t be that person that harms loved ones and ultimately pushes them away.

Maybe you aren’t good at communication or understanding emotions. No one is good at everything and all of us can learn.

If you are on the receiving end of some of the behaviors listed here then you need to recognize this could be abuse. If the person displaying these behaviors doesn’t agree to change then you need to step away from them in order to protect yourself.