Where’s the Village for Introverted Parents?
By: Monotony Mom
Tags: Moms, Dads, New Mom, Parenting, Introvert

Photo by Noah Silliman on Unsplash

Look on social media or any parenting blog and you will likely find some statement along the lines of “find your village” or “be the village”. Following that statement is often discussions on how we are moving away from the community model of raising children due to moving away from extended family and how we must go out and support one another.

The village model is fantastic and has worked for many centuries to get us where we are as a human race. We cannot deny that. It provides needed support to the birth giver/partner, allows for parental-child bonding, creates a safe space to learn (because theoretically someone with more experience will be nearby), and fosters strong familial relationships for the child(ren).

As great as that model is, what do you do if you are introverted? What if the idea of someone coming into your home makes you uncomfortable and the thought of forcing yourself into someone else’s space makes you cringe? More so, what if you are a parent with social anxiety and the constant thread of “it takes a village” makes your heart beat faster? Or perhaps you were an extroverted person your whole life but post-partum anxiety/depression has brought you inward and you have no idea how to handle that shit.

Carl Jung was the man to term intro- and extroversion in 1921. (His theories were also the basis for the Myers Briggs personality test that was created in the mid 20th century.) In short, Jung describes the differences between introversion and extroversion based on how a person receives “energy”- either from internal sources (introvert) or external sources (extrovert). Additionally, these personality types are on a continuum so you don’t need to be all one or the other.

Being an introverted parent means confronting the isolation you feel while not having the drive to engage with others. It means coming to grips with the guilt you feel when you see posts about “it takes a village” and not feeling comfortable to jump in to help that new mom when you know she needs help (because you have been there). Then do not forget about the anxiety that follows when you begin thinking about your child’s social habits and hope she/he/they are more outgoing and socially ept than you.

Introverted parents carry the burden of wanting connection so deeply without having the skills of knowing how to connect. This is because we have primarily been satisfied with our internal connection for so long. There was never a need to seek out relationships because we were content alone and we could wait for a person to just cross our path that we enjoyed spending time with.

When I became a parent, shit got real. I wanted to feel that village support and connect with other moms/parents but I was uncomfortable putting myself out there and being vulnerable. Raising a child was brand new to me and I was scared how I was going to be perceived since I struggled to express myself clearly (especially in front of new people). I also just liked being home where I was safe and I knew what to expect.

Overtime, the isolation took its toll and I came to realize that I needed to spend time with other moms/parents. I was working and would have quick conversations with other parents in my down time, but those were more superficial conversations rather than the deep connection I was craving.

So what did I do?

Social Media. Social media can get a bad rap but it is so good to connect parents who may not have other means to connect with others. It provides a space to put yourself out there slowly and cautiously. It does not take long to realize that there are so many people experiencing the feelings you’re feeling. It’s also great because you can find local groups with moms in your area so you have the option to meet up (if you’d like). New Mom Groups. So this may not be an option if you aren’t a new mom, but this was a lifesaver for me. The group that I was a part of was made up of 7 other new moms with newborns. If I am honest, I was still anxious about showing up and putting myself in a vulnerable position. Despite that, I showed up every week and slowly came out of my shell and I was really able to connect with those ladies. Looking back now, two years later, I realized that even if I was an awkward mess in those meet-ups, no one noticed because we were all sleep-deprived, hormonal messes just trying to survive. Connecting with Acquaintances. This is something that seems obvious now but in the midst of everything, it was a revelation. There were people that I knew in the periphery but never really hung or talked with them (again- introvert, so I wasn’t making an effort). Once my kid was born and I gained some confidence from the new moms group and talking on social media, I felt ready to talk with acquaintances (who had kids) and hang out with them. After taking that plunge, I realized that we had more in common than I thought! Talk with Old Friends. A lot of our friends have decided not to have kids, so once my son was born, I felt like I could not talk with those friends anymore. Stupid thought looking back, but again- hormones! One night I opened up to one of my friends about what I was feeling and going through. Guess what? Despite not having that personal experience, they were still able to listen and validate what I was saying (because sometimes you just need to hear “that sucks”). Childless friends also give you the opportunity to talk about something other than children! Find a Hobby. As much as I wanted to connect with other moms, I also wanted to connect with people in groups where I was not defined as “a mom”. I joined a book club and it allowed me to socialize in a controlled environment where the topics aren’t all about poop and sleep deprivation.

After two years of doing those things, I’m finally feeling like I’m building my village. I still enjoy my alone time but I have a team that I can reach out to and bitch about life or get advice. I meet up with folks- either alone or in small groups- and it feels right for me. I have created my own village of introverts.