LGBTQ and the Disgust Response
By: James Finn
Tags: Transgender, Equality, Gay, Love, LGBTQ

‘No wonder you’re a social pariah,’ he wrote to me. ‘You people are grunting beasts.’

I write a lot about LGBTQ topics. While I often focus on youth and equality, and while I limit sexually explicit language, I don’t avoid writing about sex when doing so is necessary for commentary or discourse.

When I was a young LGBTQ/HIV activist in early 1990’s New York City, I played a very small role in helping Act Up and Queer Nation bring back gay sex clubs and bathhouses. Sound crazy? It really isn’t, but more on that in a minute.

After our brief success in thawing public policy, New York City cracked down again on gay male venues during the later years of the Giuliani administration, and policies have remained restrictive — more restrictive than similar policies for clubs that cater to straight people.

Not long ago, in an effort to cooperate with other activists, I dug up an article and tweeted it out to people involved in the campaign to stop stigmatizing and criminalizing gay sex in New York. The article is primarily memoir. I talk about my experiences with sex clubs as a young gay man, and then I talk about why Act Up (of all groups!) wanted to protect safe spaces for gay male public sex.

If culture didn’t transcend our baser instincts, we’d all be living in small bands, killing strangers, and raping their women.

It’s not as crazy as it sounds; gay men who come together without stigma and without having to hide are often in positions to promote safety and responsible behavior. Secret sex and shameful sex are more likely to be unsafe sex. I won’t get into all the arguments here. If you’re interested, click the link.

I didn’t expect my old essay to add much to current discourse, because issues today don’t precisely mirror those of the early 90s. I put it out there anyway, in case younger activists could glean anything from it. I got the sort of ‘politely interested but hardly effusive’ response I was expecting.

Other parts of social media exploded!

That’s what I’m writing about today. While LGBTQ activists greeted my essay with muted thanks, the general public was decidedly less apathetic. Roast is good word to describe the reaction I got.

“You people are grunting beasts,” is probably the strongest comment I received that was at least literate and spelled correctly. Most of the rest aren’t suitable for print.

They all expressed strong disgust

That doesn’t surprise me. When I write about sexual orientation and gender identity, I always get negative comments that focus on disgust. The grunting beast idea is never far from the surface.

Disgust rules public discourse about LGBTQ issues

Sailor recreates iconic Navy kiss — but faces homophobic backlash

Have you seen this photo?

Gay sailor Bryan Woodington recreated an iconic kiss last Christmas season with his husband — then faced an intensely homophobic backlash. As part of a long-standing Navy tradition, after having served seven months in the Persian Gulf, Wooddenton was chosen by lottery to disembark first and give a ceremonial kiss. His shipmates and fellow sailors seemed to love the moment, but then hate mail started pouring in. The couple are taking it in stride, but the reaction has marred their joyful reunion.

Mom of 11-year-old drag queen defends son performing in gay bars

How about this photo?

Meet “Desmond is Amazing,” an 11-year-old professional drag performer. He says he’s been in love with drag as an art form since he was 4 or 5 and started watching Ru Paul.

He and his mother have recently been the targets of disgusted outrage in such publications as The American Conservative. He’s been compared to Afghani boy prostitutes, and his mother has been accused of profiting from “sexualizing” him. She recently posted an impassioned (and frustrated) defense of her son’s performances to Facebook.

[Dustin’s] costumes are less revealing than a dancer’s or cheerleader’s uniform, and are always age appropriate. While he dances, he does not move in a sexual manner. He often collects tips, as drag queens sometimes do, which we allow him to keep and he uses to buy clothing and the toy trains he wants. Desmond is never allowed into the bar area of any club, nor the main floor. He stays backstage with me, in the dressing room, or on stage.

Disgust is an odd emotion

It’s a hardwired instinct that evolved because it confers survival advantages. It keeps us from doing things like eating rotten food and engaging in other dangerous behavior.

Like many evolved human traits, disgust is a blunt instrument. It works “well enough,” but it isn’t perfect. Like many human emotions, disgust is something best mastered and even transcended.

Behaving like our primate ancestors isn’t something most of us aspire to. We know better than to let anger control us, or to act on every pleasurable impulse that might enters our minds.

Culture matters. To paraphrase Richard Dawkins, if culture didn’t transcend our baser instincts, we’d all be living in small bands, killing strangers, and raping their women. It behooves all of us to master our disgust as we master other emotions.

Can I tell you a secret?

I find the idea of men and women having sex disgusting. I don’t like to think about it, because the idea leaves me feeling queasy. I imagine that’s how a lot of straight people feel about gay men having sex.

So, you know what?

I don’t think about men and women having sex. If I’m watching a movie with a hot and heavy straight make-out scene, I grin and bear it. I’m a grown up. I realize lots of people appreciate the scene and that it’s none of my business.

When my straight friends fall in love or have passionate affairs, I feel happy for them. I love that they’re thrilled. I just don’t think about them having sex — because, wouldn’t that be intrusive and inappropriate?

However people want to experience their sexuality or express their gender is OK with me. It’s literally none of my business unless somebody were to try to force me to do something I didn’t want to do.

Are you a man who likes channeling John Wayne and acting all super butch? You go! Are you effeminate and into ballet and refined manners? Yas, Kween! If that makes you happy, I’ll be happy for you.

If you’re smiling, I’ll smile with you

I’ll go on being a boring older man, thank you, who enjoys reading, writing, historical linguistics, and thinking about fiction-writing techniques. Because that’s OK too.

I’ll reserve my disgust and anger for people who hurt others, for people who live to make others miserable. Sadly, there’s plenty of that sort of thing going on in the world.

Is it really OK to call somebody a “grunting beast” because they like sex? Most of us like sex. It’s part of being human. Can’t we show Mrs. Grundy the door, please? (Extra points for anyone who catches the Mrs. Grundy reference!)

Can’t we all mind our business, worry more about succoring those who are suffering, concentrate on fulfillment and love? All of us are made of stardust. Through each of us, the universe becomes briefly aware of itself.

I don’t feel like wasting my brief flash of awareness judging others for things that make them happy. I wonder why we can’t all enjoy life more. I wish more of us would try.

I’ll queue this story now, and promote it all over the Net tomorrow. We’ll see what insults I collect. I’m sure some of them will be quite creative. Most will just be crude and misspelled.

But that’s OK, because I know in my heart that lots of people understand true tolerance and respect. They don’t let the disgust response override their love for their fellow humans.