The Seven Deadly Sins in the Bedroom
Tags: Relationships, Sexuality, Religion, Self Improvement, Marriage

The Seven Deadly Sins in the Bedroom

These seven attitudes will destroy your sex life.

Photo by Stefan Nikolovski on Unsplash

Kevin Spacey created a haunting character for us in the movie, “Seven”. He plays serial killer, John Doe, who is creating murder scenes across the city based on The Seven Deadly Sins. Although he’s clearly a psychopath, John Doe gives us pause as we think about how we tend to normalize harmful behaviors in our lives. He states that “We see a deadly sin on every street corner, in every home, and we tolerate it. We tolerate it because it’s common, it’s trivial.”

The Seven Deadly Sins define a series of vices that people are discouraged from allowing into their lives. Although this list of sins is not explicitly given to us in the Bible, they do represent broad categories of behaviors and attitudes that create a mess for our lives.

I’m not going to get all legalistic on you here. In and of themselves, they can provide certain benefits for us. I need to take pride in my appearance and not wear sweat pants for days on end or not brush my teeth for a week. There are times I need to be slothful and just chill out from going 90 miles per hour all week in my work. I’m envious of other writers and their fan numbers and claps on Medium. It motivates me to keep writing and networking.

What I’m focusing on are the vices that represent attitudes we take on that tend toward the excessive. They are habits that are destructive to our self-esteem and our relationships. Wikipedia states that “These sins are often thought to be abuses or excessive versions of one’s natural faculties or passions.” If pride is an issue for you, you’ll probably want to spend a little time working on some humility. Are you running toward food to cope with your problems? A little self-control might be just what you really need.

So it’s not a big leap for us to take this list of vices into our bedrooms and sexual relationships. These Seven Deadly Sins can wreak all kinds of havoc for us. Let’s take a look at how these attitudes show up in our sex lives and what we can do to bring healthier attitudes into our bedrooms.

Pride

Having confidence can be a huge asset in the bedroom and be wildly attractive. If I’m comfortable with my abilities and my wife has taken pride in her body, we can come together without the baggage associated with insecurity and arrogance.

If I’m consistently arrogant about my skills, that can be a turn-off for my partner. If my partner is so focused on how she looks in an arrogant way, that’s an issue. I envision my wife and I going at it in front of a mirror and she’s constantly looking at herself, fixing her hair. (Not that she does this.) Maybe she holds back pleasure because she hates the way her orgasm face looks, causing a real wet blanket to the moment.

The key here is to be focused on your partner and their pleasure and not on your performance. When I focus more on my partner’s pleasure than what my performance looks like, we can both experience uninhibited pleasure.

Greed

Being a greedy lover may take the form of simply being focused more on our own pleasure (or agenda) than the pleasure of our partner. If I’m only concerned with my own orgasm, that’s an issue. Greed can also be withholding sex from our partner. I’ve talked to several women who’ve told me they have withheld sex as a punishment on their husbands. “If he can’t learn to pick up his dirty clothes, he’s not getting these clothes off for some dirty time.” These attitudes aren’t helpful in the bedroom.

Withholding and robbing our partners of pleasure during an act that is designed for mutual satisfaction is destructive. Make sure your intimacy is focused on the right things and for the right reasons.

Lust

This is a tricky one. Lust in the bedroom seems like a given, right? But, what if your lust is out-of-control and you’re pushing your partner to uncomfortable extremes? What if your lustful thoughts are about someone else while you’re with your partner? Some writers would disagree with me on this and that’s ok. The keyword in this is “uncontrolled”. Dictionary.com defines lust as “uncontrolled or illicit (wrongful) sexual desire or appetite.”

My wife and I have two very different sexual drives. Many times we have to find common ground on the frequency of sex. She knows if we go more than 6 or 7 days without sex, I can be distant and act like a turd. I know that if I’m pressuring her to have sex more often, it’s actually a turn-off for her and she doesn’t respond well to the pressure. We have to control our responses to each other and find common ground that is thoughtful of the other (There’s Pride again.)

Let your lust for one another be a tool and not a weapon.

Envy

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a “wanting” in the bedroom. In fact, it’s essential! The kind of envy I’m talking about here is more along the lines of being discontent with what you have or wanting something others have and you don’t.

Confession: I’m envious of those men whose wives offer them anal sex.

Anal sex is off the table in our bedroom (or anywhere else in the house for that matter). I’ll confess my intrigue with it and I’ve mentioned it to my wife. After casually suggesting it and getting an “Oh, hell no!”, I’m pretty confident that my penis will never enter her anus. But, I have thought about it and desired it. After reading several authors on Medium talk about their positive experiences and even seeing a video or two, I do get a bit envious.

But, if I persist and use guilt as a tactic to persuade my wife to succumb to my desires, that’s not healthy. The only thing my envious attitude is going to do is create discontent, and discontent creates negativity and rejection of one another.

Coercion never ends well in the bedroom.

Gluttony

This “sin” seems the least applicable to our sexcapades in the bedroom. After all, I’m all for enjoying food with, in, and on my partner.

We have to look at the other definition of the word to give us a better perspective. Dictionary.com defines glutton with this alternate definition: “a person with a remarkably great desire or capacity for something”. With this definition, we understand terms like “glutton for punishment” or “glutton for work”. We can use the word “excessive” here.

There are certain parts of sex that I invite excess into. An excessive orgasm is one — for both parties. Love those! An excessive amount of sweat? Yep. But, if my focus is on my own pleasure only, I can become excessive with my partner and make her uncomfortable. If I’m ready to go and she’s not, I can actually cause her physical pain in her lady bits. If I’m feeling voracious, I might bite a little too hard or dig my nails into her flesh a little too much. Yes, even the occasional misplaced hickey can be unwelcomed. (Can you imagine her explaining that to her 7th-grade students?)

Instead, I need to use restraint and make sure my increasing desires are matching up with my partner’s desires at that moment. This is a journey we are both on; not one where I’m dragging my partner along for the ride.

Wrath

For those into the BDSM world, you know this one doesn’t apply to you necessarily. For some, the idea of pain, submission and harsh talk can send you over-the-top sexually. I wave a set of handcuffs and a blindfold to you.

What we are focusing on here is emotional anger, resentment, and vengeance. These emotions can be hugely destructive in the bedroom. There can be a fine line between makeup sex and abuse.

If one partner is resolved in their minds over a disagreement and the other is not, that can create some really messed up sex.

If you’re using sex to actually get back at your partner, there can be problems. If you’re giving yourself to your partner and resenting every moment of it, nobody wins in that scenario.

Sloth

This one is easy to detect. In fact, of all the Seven Deadly Sins, this one is probably the most common and acceptable one of the bunch. Couples that have children or have been together for long periods of time can easily move into this vice in their sex lives. When sex becomes a chore, when partners stop being creative, or when couples simply stop investing in their relationship overall, it can cause issues in the bedroom.

Take time to think about your time together. Use foreplay throughout the day. Invite toys and techniques into your bedroom that spice things up a bit. One of the hottest things my wife can say to me during the day is “I bought a little something for us for tonight.” I don’t care if it’s just a bottle of honey; I’m in!