The Depression Diaries: Regret (II)
By: Pixie Embervale
Tags: Fear, Regret, Depression, Healing, Anxiety

Someone once told me that you regret the things you don’t do more than the things you do. That sentence confused me. How could something you have never done cause more sorrow than something you had? A mistake, a loss, a wound, a failure. There is no way a missed opportunity would hurt more than that.

In finding that sentence misleading, I was both right, and very wrong.

Growing up with anxiety, I ran away from anything that was not within my tiny comfort zone. I thought that was what was best for me. I truly believed that I could live my whole life within my comfort zone. I was a naive child. I am sure that, somewhere on this planet, there is someone who has, or is currently, living their life without ever leaving their comfort zone, and that is completely okay. But I found out the hard way that leaving my comfort zone was exactly what I needed to do.

As the years of my life passed by, my anxiety grew, and my little bowl of things I was comfortable with slowly became more and more empty. I started to miss more and more opportunities. I skipped job interviews because they were too intimidating. I made up excuses to miss school activities and excursions because they were too daunting. I missed so many parties and gatherings with my friends because social interaction was frightening, and I created this idea in my head that asking to go to a party would lead to yelling and a lecture from my parents.

I have heard from so many people that reflecting on your past can lead to a better future, maybe even one where you are “cured”. I despise that idea. Looking back at all the missed opportunities and all the fun I could have had, it just feeds my depression.

“How could you do that to yourself? You were such a coward. You missed so much of the teenage experience. What is wrong with you?”

I understand now. Of course, there have been plenty of instances in my short life where I have wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole. Instances that, to this day, I look back on and cringe. I regret those. Wholeheartedly, I regret those. Whether that is true regret, or just plain embarrassment, I acknowledge it as regret.

Then there are the other events, when there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that what I feel is true regret. Horrible and hurtful things I have said when I got angry, people that I have taken advantage of, times where I have cheated just so I could get to the top and feel good about myself… the list goes on.

However, I can confidently say that not one of those events has caused me more pain and regret than the things in life I have missed out on.

As much as I despise it, on occasion I will look back on the past and remind myself of the foolish decisions I made out of fear. Decisions that resulted in a missed opportunity for growth, learning, and fun, and the extensive amount of regret I feel today. On these days of reflection, I will often ask myself whether I would be this depressed if I had just opened up to the idea of leaving my comfort zone. Those few times that I have left my comfort zone instead of missing an opportunity have been some of the best days of my life. I can look back at those days and smile instead of cry at the thought of what I had lost.

So, would I be this miserable if I had more of those days to look back on? The days where I did something even though it scared me, and it resulted in me having more fun than I could ever imagine? I will never know. But what I do know, is that when people tell you that you will regret the things you don’t do more than the things that you do, they are not lying to you. They are speaking from a lifetime of experience with missed opportunities and regret.

The next time you are presented with an opportunity to leave your comfort zone, I ask that you take it. It will be hard. Of course it will be hard. But it will be worth it.

I promise.

Love, Pixie.