BDSM for the Curious but Terrified
By: Riley Black
Tags: Kink, Sex, Sexuality, BDSM, Relationships

BDSM for the Curious but Terrified

There’s a reason we call it ‘play’: you experiment until you find what feels right

Photo: Levi Midnight/Unsplash

Have you ever asked your partner to hold you down during sex? What about a spank? Have you ever barked or purred in the middle of fooling around? Or maybe you’ve had more than a sideways glance at the floggers, paddles, and nipple clamps at a sex shop.

Whatever you want to call it — BDSM, fetish, S&M, kink — venturing beyond your standard sex repertoire can be damn intimidating. I know that’s how it felt for me. One way or another, I carried a persistent fear that if I picked up a flogger or squeezed myself into some rubber thigh highs that I’d be pulled into a world that seemed altogether frightening. I wasn’t ready and was sure I’d be hurt, or inadvertently hurt someone else.

The reputation of mass media like Fifty Shades of Grey (blech) didn’t help any. I didn’t want to be mean. I didn’t want to demean anyone. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I thought I didn’t have a dominant bone in my body, but the thought of giving myself over to someone’s kinky imagination caused almost as much anxiety. I approached the subject as if it were a hot pan on the stove, and I’d quickly be burned if I touched it.

What I didn’t see were all the ways I was already playing around with BDSM concepts. For a time, I described myself as “vanilla with sprinkles.” Dildos and vibrators were fun, and the thought of my girlfriend with a strap-on got my motor running, but kink was just a little something extra for special occasions or when I was just the right kind of tipsy. It took me a while to question what vanilla even is, and how it’s a relative term that has no objective marker.

I’m kinkier than I thought. And the more I learned, the less I had to fear.

That’s what I want to share with you.

My introduction to the scene was somewhat abrupt, from occasional indulgences at home to dropping right into a busy play party. It was over a year before I participated in anything. My friends in the community were deep in — organizing events and classes, running parties, and influencing the local scene — but I didn’t share that goal, and everyone else at the events seemed like they already knew each other. For the first time since high school, I felt like a bit of a wallflower.

Often, I still am. I’ve done a little scene or two at play parties, but most of my experience has been with my partner. And that’s a totally legitimate way to explore. Community is a wonderful thing and often provides opportunities to learn you’ll never get from a book. Classes, workshops, and more are excellent—especially in upholding community standards and expectations about how to play safely and responsibly.

But if the thought of huddling into a stranger’s living room to learn the finer tips of safely trampling someone, tying them up, or delivering a good flogging makes you tense up with worry, there are still some ways you can safely start to explore without feeling like you need to save a couple hundred bucks for a new, all-black outfit.

Be willing to learn

Maybe you already have some idea of what you like. Something that just happened during a roll-around or a moment in a movie that made you feel a little funny. That’s good! But before you start grabbing for the rope and dog collar, you’ve got some learning to do.

Almost any BDSM activity can be dangerous. So are many of the things we do every day, be it hammering a nail or driving a car. And that’s to say nothing of emotional safety and the responsibility we have to the people we wish to play with, whether that involves sex or not. Don’t assume you know anything.

Doing a bit of reading about how to say what you want, listen to the other person, and get on the same page is something just as important as learning to roll a condom over a banana.

The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy are great places to start. Ideally, you should read both. Aside from maybe finding virtues on both sides of the spectrum — I, like many, am a switch — the fact is that the better you can empathize with your play partners, the better chance you have of having a pleasant time. The books are very much versed in the scene, and contain some examples that make you go “I’d never do that,” but they’re not so much about prompts and techniques as about communication, consent, and safety. You really need those basics down, and if you don’t know what FRIES stands for, definitely question yourself on what you understand about consent.

Learning to speak for ourselves, communicate effectively, and, in particular, respond well when something goes sideways are more important than your skill with a whip or magic wand. It’s the core stuff you need to know whether you’re in your own bedroom or in a room full of leather-clad people, and it’ll bring benefits even if you never so much as tie another knot in your life. So many of us are afraid to share our fantasies; face shame and recrimination when sex doesn’t go how we expected; and otherwise feel like we can’t communicate freely about the stickier parts of existence. Doing a bit of reading about how to say what you want, listen to the other person, and get on the same page is something just as important as learning to roll a condom over a banana.

Make a menu

Lucky you, alive in the 21st century. Kinky expertise doesn’t have to be passed down from person to person. There are videos, websites, books, and all sorts of other media to get instruction, pick up tips, and connect with people. If you really want to be an expert rigger—master of rope suspensions—then, yes, it’s a good idea if you look up your local kink community and start getting a feel for who you can learn from, but many of us pick a more laid-back path.

But once you’ve got your communication skills down, what do you do?

You make a menu.

Maybe you’ve already heard of a Yes/No/Maybe list. You create those three columns in a document or on a piece of paper and think of every risqué thing you’ve ever heard of, putting it in the Yes, No, or Maybe columns. It can act as a rough guide for places to start by pinpointing things you already have some interest in.

You can even turn it into a menu. Not all the items exist in isolation. Anal might be on your list, for example, but maybe some spanks or a flogging might help you relax. If you’re up for it, you can pick some items to make a menu of Appetizers, Mains, and Desserts, planning out a sequence that will make you relaxed, provide the thrill you’re after, and then shift into aftercare. (Do not forget the aftercare.) This way you’ve got some context for what you want to do. I couldn’t say for anyone else, but I know I wouldn’t like to be spanked or slapped abruptly. It needs to be part of a flow and within a context that allows it to be sexy instead of annoying. And if you’re exploring with a partner, you can always present them with a menu of possible activities to choose from. Lots of kink activities easily combine with each other and become intertwined on your BDSM skill tree.

Now, learn more

So let’s say you’re excited at the idea of being tied up, and, while you’re not sure about impact play, those floggers sure do look interesting… Now’s the time to do a bit more research.

At this point, almost every kind of play has some sort of book or resource guide devoted to it. Books like The New Topping/Bottoming Book or even Girl Sex 101 might go over some common activities in light detail. Books like BARK! and The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage involve more specific tips.

And this is important.

It doesn’t matter how much you spent on that new flogger. If you strike too hard, in the wrong place, or both, you can do permanent damage. Even a simple rope tie can make limbs go numb and constrict blood flow to a dangerous degree if done improperly. Even words — dirty talk that gets a little too nasty — can cause pain and have terrible consequences. Don’t assume you’re the world’s greatest Top because you bought some shiny pants and some nipple clamps from Lovehoney, any more than you’d think yourself a chef ready to nail that steak au poivre on the first try because you bought an apron. For anything you’re going to use — from implements to something as simple as touch and what you say — learn to use them responsibly first, working with care even as you do something devilish.

Speed limits

So you’ve done your homework, picked up something fun to play with, and want to get started. Good. Now go slow.

Many of us are never encouraged to explore our bodies and sensations. We aren’t familiar with what’s going to feel good or bad, intense or mild. Where and how we like sensations takes time and practice that most of us never put in despite how essential it is for sexual health.

So, do it yourself.

This is part of why we call it play — it’s a way to be curious, experiment, and learn, open to exploration and discovery.

Whether you’re planning on being a Top or Bottom or something undefined, take plenty of time to touch and think about sensation. What do you like? What’s okay? What will drop you right out of your happy place? If you’ve got a partner, touch with them — no judgment, no goal of sex, just curiosity (at least until you can’t take it anymore and have to jump each other, if it’s going well).

Then you can start bringing in the implements. If you’re tying your Bottom with rope, start loose and find the right tightness. If you’re flogging, start light and then work up. (That flows back into context, raising excitement and anticipation, as well as working with physiology instead of against it.) If you’re trying pet play, make sounds and roll around but don’t criticize yourself if you need words or to talk something out.

This is how you learn more. You might find that you prefer scratchy, natural fiber rope to smooth synthetics. You could discover that a stingy flogger hurts but a thuddy one is divine. Perhaps dirty talk from your partner is a turnoff but you like saying those things instead. This is part of why we call it play — it’s a way to be curious, experiment, and learn, open to exploration and discovery.

Drop, stop, and roll

You’ve done your homework, gotten some gear, learned how to use it, and, beautifully, you’ve had a lovely time.

That doesn’t mean you’re done.

BDSM play can be intense. Sometimes it brings memories or feelings up that were suppressed, or might otherwise surprise us. Even the sensations themselves can be a lot to handle: crackly energy, or a kind of calm that we never want to leave. Even if all parties are happily grinning in a puddle of their own endorphins at the end, you might find yourself feeling unsure or even depressed the next day. “How could I have done that?” “Was that really okay?” “If it was so much fun, why do I feel bad?”

There’s no single reason for these feelings, but there is a word for it — drop. Maybe you’ve felt the same thing on a Sunday after a great weekend party, or the day after you’ve spent a lovely time with a friend. All the good we felt seems to… drop, and it’s easy to turn that inward as if something’s wrong with us.

Nothing’s wrong with you. The phenomenon is common, and you can be ready for it. Before you even start anything with your partner, you can talk about what’s important after. Have some water nearby, and even a little candy for a sugar boost. You might want a bath, sex, alone time, to be cuddled close, or something else comforting. Maybe you’ll find yourself ravenous and want to eat soon after or the next morning. A shift in feelings or a strong desire for something comforting is normal, and being prepared for it means that you can offer the reassurance, support, and care in the way that best suits you.

Maybe you’ll try a few things out and find that, well, they’re just okay. Or maybe they’ll open new worlds of experience and sensation that you’ll be hungry for. Maybe you’ll plug into the local scene, or perhaps you’ll keep things confined to your own bedroom. There’s no right path other than the one you decide for yourself. If you are committed to safe, responsible, consensual play, then you can chart any course you like. You’re likely to learn much more than how to throw a set of tails against your partner’s backside.

Now go have fun.