Previously Unrevealed Moments Your Favorite Literary Heroines Had Their Periods
By: Sarah Lofgren
Tags: Satire, Humor, Women, Feminism, Books

Previously Unrevealed Moments Your Favorite Literary Heroines Had Their Periods

Because moon river plays, whether or not it’s included in the text.

Just a warning — if you’re not into reading about dismal lady days, this isn’t the post for you. There are a lot of articles on Medium that do not discuss the great sea of cabernet (shocking, I know) and maybe you should consider reading one of them instead.

As for me, I have never written a post about misshapen she blessings on Medium, so I’m kinda excited about all this. Thanks for hosting it, Jane Austen’s Wastebasket. I expect it will be a masterpiece! Or, maybe a mistresspiece. 😉

Here we go!

Many people don’t know this, but literary heroines experienced the monthly emergence of the devil’s decoupage the same way many human women do. They get the cramps, the growls, the moans, the args, the whole Stravinsky compositions. Just because old timey writers were squeamish about giving us the details doesn’t mean the details didn’t occur.

So here are a few moments when iconic characters found themselves juggling the usual drama in addition to stopovers from old Auntie Flo-Rance.

When Lady Catherine de Bourgh gatecrashed Lizzie Bennet on the topic of marriage to everyone’s fave, Mr. Darcy

If you’ve read Pride and Prejudice, then you’re familiar with how everything unfolded. Lady C was leaning hard on the nosy vibe (a trope Jane Austin perfected), i.e. showing up and spraying her unwanted opinions on everyone in the vicinity.

Her goal was to extract a promise from our heroine, Lizzie, not to smear herself all over Darcy’s toast and biscuits. But, Lady C was a bit late. Earlier in the book Jane Austin wrote a wet t-shirt scene for Darcy and Lizzie was kinda into it. So Lizzie shut down Lady C and sent her sputtering off to whatever rich person activity was next on her social calendar, (probably knitting sheep for underprivileged farmers).

This is all interesting, but Jane left one thing out.

She forgot to include the fact that Lizzie was also checking into the Red Riptide Inn at the time of this Very Important Conversation. And when one has a bouquet of pink carnations waiting in one’s room, one is not usually in the mood for wearing the restrictive shackles of a society where the young obey the old, the poor obey the rich and ladies play nice while boiling underneath.

Meaning, Lizzie had HAD IT.

So, really, we have the vermillion viper to thank for one of the greatest romances in the literary canon.

When Jo March got all emotional and chopped off her hair “for money”

This one came about while the March family was running around desperate for funds and drama was at an all time high. Feeding off the chaotic atmosphere, Jo decided that rather than sucking it up and playing nice to Aunt M, she’d rather pull a Felicity. Of course, Jo being Jo, she staged the whole thing for a slow reveal, pulling away her bonnet all, “It me. Deal, fam.” (Dialogue from Louisa’s first draft).

Yes, this was 100% in character for Jo. Girl loved a grand, romantic gesture. However, you’ll also be unsurprised to find out she was birthing a garnet gemstone when she transformed her scalp into that of an electrocuted hedgehog. Completely understandable. How many of us have made regrettable hair-related decisions under the same circumstances?

Amy, however, was not receiving her monthly berry subscription when she sneezed out the line, “Oh Jo! Your one beauty!”

Amy was just a terrible human being.

When Jane Eyre started feeling indecisive and “magically” heard the voice of her crazy ex.

Right, Jane. We all believe you. You totally heard old ‘chester’s voice croaking out your name and that meant you simply had to go back to him and marry him and take care of him forever. FATE DEEMED IT SO.

Or, could it be the scarlet shadow dropped by for an unexpected tarriance and gave your emotions a swirly? You were such a practical woman, Jane. Normally in such possession of resolve. Everyone knew you needed to delete his number from your phone, block him on the socials and get on with your fabulous, wealthy singlehood. None of us wanted you to hook up with St. Good Guy Dude (so boring!), but there were bound to be lots of hot guys running around the moors who never once locked their wives up in attics.

I mean, we’re talking about a Gothic novel, are we not? There’s always another set of abs around the corner.

Jane, oh Jane. If only you’d learned not to let your overflowing cup of kidney beans do the decision-making.

C’est la vie, I suppose.