Developing a Sense of Similarity
Tags: Generosity, Giving, Helping, Help, Beyourself

Several years ago, when I was eating lunch alone in the dining area of a university food court, a smiling student recruiter from a major international religious organization asked whether he could speak with me for a moment.

I obliged, and he sat down in the chair directly across from me.

After exchanging very brief pleasantries, he asked me a pointed question.

“Are you unhappy with life?”

After I finished chewing and swallowing my food, I responded that I was actually quite happy with my life.

At that point, he looked down at what appeared to be his prepared notes.

He then spoke again and asked more specific questions about whether I was unhappy with different parts of my life (e.g., my relationships, my career and my health).

I once more responded that I was generally satisfied with the overall state of my life.

After hearing my response, he peered down at his notes for the final time and gave a lengthy explanation of why people are unhappy with their lives.

After listening to his long lecture, he excitedly asked whether I agreed with his explanation for why people were unhappy and whether I wanted to learn more about his organization.

I could see that he had an informational pamphlet in his hand, but I said that I didn’t agree with what he said and wasn’t interested.

After hearing my response, he sat in puzzled silence, but he decided to press on and started the conversation again with some small talk to lighten the mood.

“What are you studying in college? What’s your major?”

At the time, I was already a few years out of school, so I told him that I was no longer a student and actually working for the university.

After hearing what I said, another confused look came over his face, and he suddenly seemed very uncomfortable sitting in his chair.

After another period of awkward silence, he apologized for assuming that I was a student and said goodbye. He then picked up his stack of notes and pamphlets and walked away with his head down.

After he left, I finished my meal and later felt a strange sense of sadness for the recruiter who seemed a bit unhappy with his own life.

Apparently, the only way that he was taught to recruit members to join his organization was to prey on people’s insecurities.

Unsurprisingly, I read online that the talking points for the organization were originally developed with the help of a salesman.

Giving with a Cheerful Heart

When some people see others in unfortunate situations in their lives, they may act with subconscious superiority.

A response that appears to come from a sense of compassion or justice may actually be a response that merely feeds the ego.

To put this into clinical terms, these people may be suffering from a savior complex or dealing with codependency issues.

As one of my teachers once said, it’s like everyone is dying in the hospital, but some patients want to spend the last days of their lives comparing themselves with others to make themselves feel better.

A person with an unhealthy self-esteem may even think that other patients are suffering more because of all the terrible things they’ve done in the past.

A wiser perspective could be to understand that we’ll all end up like the person in the bed next to us. It can happen at any moment. We can’t ultimately know what the future holds. We’ll also never know exactly when our past will catch up with us.

An even wiser approach would be to find ways to make life in the hospital better for others because we’re all suffering together. In doing so, we’re not acting with a sense of superiority but with a sense of genuine care for others and appreciation for the fate that we share.

The other person isn’t a stranger.

They’re a being just like us.

And we can take this perception beyond humans to other beings that exist because we know they’re suffering too.

When we offer our help and support in this way, there is a real feeling of happiness that can arise.

When is Generosity Not Genuine

When I grew up, I’d occasionally stay up late watching TV. I remember the images used in commercials produced by NGOs to appeal to the sensibilities of audiences in the developed world. The typical photo or video clip that was used to solicit donations was one of an emaciated child sitting on a dirt floor in worn-out clothes.

In countries where consumerism has gained a secure foothold — which is almost everywhere in the world these days —it’s easy to understand why this imagery would be effective.

In modern consumer societies, we’re programmed to develop a sense of lack or discomfort. And the appropriate Pavlovian response to relieve this distress is to engage in a financial transaction to acquire a product or service that alleviates whatever physiological or psychological pain is ailing us.

By giving money to a worthy cause, we’re participating in a similar sort of economic exchange that aims to address the sense of distress we feel from seeing the reality of human existence. Even though we may be far removed from that hungry child we see on the TV screen, we know that suffering exists.

Being a being in the world means enduring a lot of suffering.

Thankfully, there are NGOs that don’t resort to such insidious marketing tactics — who see themselves in the people that they serve and not above them.

There’s certainly merit to helping others in any way that we can, regardless of our intentions.

However, we should carefully examine the reasons why we help others in an effort to do more good than harm when we act.

When we act with a pure heart with an understanding that others are similar to us, we can feel pure joy from giving.

This is how similarity can breed content.