In These Trying Times, I Want To Remind All My Followers That I Have A Ridiculously Hot Body
By: Molly Henderson
Tags: Humor, Beauty, Satire, Social Media, Instagram

Hey, guys! But enough about you. I hit 5 million followers yesterday. Yes! Wow. Hitting the 5 mil mark is a very humbling experience — it really reminded me how important I am. I have a voice, you know? And in these unprecedented times, I have a responsibility to speak up and use it.

So I just wanted to take this time to remind every single one of you that, no matter how many people lose their jobs or get sick in the coming months, I will always, through it all, have a perfect, beautiful goddess body.

The thing about being as hot as I am is that it’s amazing and I love it, but it’s also a lot of fun and has made me really rich. The other thing about my hotness is that it’s always extremely relevant, even, and maybe especially, now. In these ugly, uncertain times, people need something unwaveringly beautiful with which to steady themselves: me.

Here I am one year ago today, in a diamond-encrusted string bikini in Majorca. So much has changed since I took this photo, like how I can no longer fly private for a weekend getaway to Barthalona with my girls. But a lot has remained the same — as you can see here in this pic taken just yesterday on my private beach in Malibu, my skin is still luminous, my waist is still tiny, and my butt has maintained the size and shape of a gorgeous pumpkin. Let the constancy of my beauty be a comfort to you in unstable times. Look at me. Just look at me. Look at me. Look.

One thing that’s really been helping me through all of this is ignoring the news completely and thinking about how beautiful I am instead. You should try it. Free of charge, here is a photo of me in my bespoke Louis Vuitton lingerie set (for those who are curious, it’s Mulberry silk blended with 24K spun gold, and no, you can’t buy it anywhere) stretched out on a bed of cherry blossom petals that I had shipped in from Japan. I’m posting this to remind you that it doesn’t matter that you’ve lost your income and can’t feed your family: the best things in life, like the natural beauty I was born with and have never once altered with surgery or injections or FaceTune (that is all slander), are completely, 100% free.

Sure, sometimes I question myself: is posting a photo of my smoking hot bod in my new custom swimwear line (don’t forget to use my discount code QUARAN-CUTIE for 10% off!) really helping anyone? Shouldn’t I be including some photos of my face, too? And the answer to that question is always: YES, bitch. You weren’t born with (naturally) plump lips and dewy angel skin for nothing.

Throwback! Here I am in a mesh Gucci jumpsuit clawing my way through a throng of shrieking fans to get to my Range Rover. I miss regular life.

Yes — regular life. We all miss it. These are hard, uncertain times. And yet, they are not. Because here I am, still so soft and smooth, and my beauty is not at all uncertain, it is incontestable and also very wonderful. Are you looking at me? I have 5 million followers. Lots of zeros on my checks. I’m using my platform to make the world a better place. Taking off all my clothes on the internet is feminism. I am on the front lines. I am the face of Calvin Klein. I am the face of the goddess Aphrodite except better. I am influencer. I am paid sponsorship with SkinnyBitch SelfCareMoneyTea. I am all leg. I am mostly booty. I am made of sex and cash. I am me. I. Me.

Me.

Me.

Anyway, guys, that’s it from my end! Stay positive, and remember: there’s still so much beauty in the world. I’m still here, aren’t I?