Eating Disorder Reality. Trigger Warning
Tags: Health, Mental Illness, Eating Disorders, Mental Health, Recovery

Trigger Warning

When I tell people I am in recovery from an eating disorder, most don't believe me. Never in my life have I been technically underweight other than when I was a child. Now as a teen, I am on the smaller side, but I am not underweight by any means. I thought you had to be dyingly thin to have an eating disorder. I looked normal. However, counting calories, tracking calories burned, and staying up until midnight to meal plan, all consumed me. My brain screamed at me to run, to exercise. At the end of the day, I told myself I could have done better. But I couldn't have a problem, right? My bones weren't showing enough.

There is an overwhelming list of thoughts and rituals I went through daily. I would wake up in the morning and the first thing I would do was go over what I would eat for the day. I planned it out so my family could see me eat but consume as few calories as possible. The calculator app was my best friend. When calculating I included everything I had to eat, even a cracker. I would exaggerate the serving amounts and their calories when counting. My brain told me I must have forgotten something I had eaten. This made me add an extra 200 after my calculation. I would get up sometimes at 5:00 am to exercise so no one would know. Running 3 miles a day became a habit. Instead of watching Tik Tok’s, I was watching Super Size vs. Super Skinny. It was through the internet where I learned more tricks to consume less with as little amount of discomfort.

I began to realize this wasn't normal. I was the only person I knew who went through this much pain to change the way I looked. But there was one problem. I wasn't underweight. There were days where I ate 500 calories or less but still managed to gain weight. My friend convinced me to tell my mom. The most difficult conversation I ever had. I told her everything eating disorder thoughts told me to do. My mom told me I was being dramatic and that it was normal. How was this normal? Later that week I told my therapist everything I told my mom and she recommended to look into the Charis Center. The Charis Center is a treatment facility for eating disorders. This broke me, I felt ashamed.

I knew my parents would now watch my every move. Eating disorder gave me new ideas to conceal my actions. My morning runs were now suspicious. To every new problem, eating disorder found a way to make me look as normal as possible. I cried before, during, and after every therapy meeting. There was one point where I had 6 different doctors and therapists working on me. I even lied about how I was feeling in hope it would all go away.

What people don't understand about eating disorders is it's not just eating and exercising habits. You speak about your eating disorder, you watch your eating disorder. It destroys who you are until eating disorder is your only personality. It's an addiction. In order to keep Ed satisfied, you have to give in. Making me a selfish person.

My boyfriend at the time knew I had this problem. But here was the issue, he only made my eating disorder worse. I thought he was helping me, but he ended up amplifying my problem. He would say to me “why are your legs so big?” every now and then. He himself ate very little. This triggered me. I hated knowing he was smaller than me and not in pain. Eating disorder liked it when people felt bad for me. Joseph was what I thought my only “supporter” but it was Ed’s biggest feeder. Eating disorder told me to constantly talk about my darkest thoughts in the hope I would get sympathy. I wasn't me anymore, I didn't speak Piper I spoke Ed. He eventually got annoyed, so he started shutting me down. Telling me not to speak about anything about eating disorder or therapy-related when I needed him. He changed himself and began to plant ideas and thoughts of who I was. He called me stupid and laughed at me behind my back. In the same breath, he told me I was perfect and he was the only one who would ever tolerate me. He said he couldn't live without me. He knew what he was doing from the start. Joseph was not the same person I knew before I came out about my illness. But at the time, I thought this was him trying to help me. He loved me right? This shut down me even more and gave Ed even more power.

How did I begin to recover? I first accepted I had a problem and that I wanted help. After ignoring my therapist's advice I began to listen. I learned that it is possible to change the way you think. I even broke up with Joseph. I got rid of negativity and triggers. All of this though is easier said than done. My therapist guided me to understand what Ed wanted and what I wanted. Understanding this was key to changing the way I thought. Little by little I started making better choices. Ed would get louder when it didn't get its way. I had to choose if I listened to myself or the voice. Even after a year of starting therapy the voice of Ed sneaks in every now and then.

I never thought men liked me because I was ugly and wasn't thin enough. I always felt pressured by my ex to look flawless. I brainwashed myself into thinking every guy was like that. I realize now that isn't true. My freshman year of high school was the first time I realized guys do like me. I realized people do find me attractive. I just never put myself out there for others to notice me. I only wanted to blend in with the crowd.

Most people who feel that everyone is judging them, judge people themselves. I learned to see the beauty of other people which helped me see the beauty in me. I wished someone told me that therapy itself will not fix you. Therapy is a tool and it can take some people years to become stable. Like me, even though you are stable, therapy doesn't completely go away. There is so much more to atypical anorexia and eating disorders than I just shared. There are many different types and subtypes. To anyone out there struggling with an eating disorder know that it's not your fault, but you are responsible for your own recovery.