A Letter To My Future Self
By: Rozemarijn Van Kampen
Tags: Autism, Psychology, Neurodivergent, Mental Health, Depression

Dear Rozemarijn,

Today is November 19th, 2020. The transition from 2019 to 2020 was harder than you expected, and 2020 didn’t have a lot of good moments either. Let’s look at the past year.

September 2019, you weren’t able to get financial support for your study anymore, as you had quit. Thus, you needed to find another way to make ends meet. You applied for a few positions, but never got invited. Eventually, you got the opportunity to earn a bit on the side by writing. Little did you know, it was only the beginning of a much bigger process.

Around October 2019, your therapist told you she thought you were autistic. She wanted to send you to a specialized institute with a long waiting list. Fortunately, you were able to get in around November/December.

In the meantime, the writing became more and more, and you suffered more from stress. By coincidence, you discovered that a certain drug helped you to write. As another positive side-effect, it also helped to keep your IBS in check. With small doses each time, and a long break every time, you were able to use it to get through the hard days.

In February, you heard that you weren’t getting the autism diagnosis you hoped for. The people at the institute told you it would close too many doors, even when you checked all the boxes. You felt discouraged and got in contact with your doctor and the practice’s psychologist. Eventually, you contacted your therapist as well.

You talked about the drug, and how it had helped you so much. However, you also told them that you didn't want to rely on drugs to function, so you asked for a receipt for medicine with the same properties. Unfortunately, this was to no avail.

In April 2020, you learned about PDA, pathological demand avoidance. It’s a characteristic some autistic people have which causes you to be unable to complete even the simplest tasks. It’s as if your brain tells you “no, I won’t do it.” It took a while before your therapist understood what you meant, but she soon discovered that this could be caused by the disproportion between your intelligence and the processing speed at which your brain functions. You’re still thankful for that explanation.

Your therapist encouraged you to get in contact again with the doctor and the practice’s psychologist to ask about the use of medicine. Your doctor only wanted to prescribe anything if you had a diagnosis for ADD or ADHD, which you knew would be useless. The practice’s psychologist did want to help you, but could only refer you to a psychiatrist. You put all your hope in her, but again, to no avail. She told you she had no experience with the combination of autism and Ritalin, and therefore only prescribed you a way more dangerous medicine: an antipsychotic.

The medicine made you sleepy and it was as if you were living in a weird dream, so you stopped taking it. The therapist then recommended you get in touch with an old classmate that did have a Ritalin prescription. He was so kind as to give you a part of his leftover medicine. It was as if a new world opened up to you. You could work again, your IBS didn’t act up as much, and you could handle sudden changes with fewer issues.

The only downside was that the medicine he gave you was only enough for one week, and you still couldn’t proceed. Fortunately, he had a lot leftover as he didn’t use it as often, and he shared it with you. In the meantime, you got in contact with your childhood doctor, as he could be able to help you.

It took a while, but eventually, you were able to come by the office. He heard your story and, while hesitant, trusted you and prescribed Ritalin for a 3-month period for you. However, you had to promise him that you’d be back after 3 months to get your blood and heart checked as the medicine can influence your health. We’ve just finished month one.

in the midst of all this, you experienced a higher workload, having to raise a puppy, a fight with your in-laws that resulted in having to pay rent soon, a sick grandpa who probably won’t see the end of the coming year, depression, the pandemic and its issues, issues with a governmental covid support payment, an existential crisis, and having to keep up with all your relationships and friendships.

At the moment, your profession seems to be doing well. You have two great regulars and a few smaller regulars. You quit Fiverr, and you probably earn enough to get around though you still need to keep an eye out for the coming year. Still, there are days where you suffer from depression, meltdowns about the smallest of things, and other mental issues.

According to your therapist, this is because you became an entirely different person within one year. Within one year, you went from being a student to being a fulltime adult who not only has their own household, but also their own business, a pet to raise, and a relationship to keep. According to your therapist, you’re doing amazing considering the circumstances. She said your stress and included meltdowns is normal.

I know you’re not entirely sure of this yourself, but you hope it just takes some time to get used to it, as your therapist predicted. You also hope that the less stress you experience, the more you’ll be able to lose weight because that is one big issue right now.

Besides these experiences this year, you’ve also started to discover yourself again. You came out as non-binary and you’ve started to explore that part of your life. You’ve also changed your style and are currently reevaluating your interests, choices, and the like. It’s a turbulent period. Your therapist calls it “the second puberty”.

Fortunately, your family is here to support you, including your partner and your friends. You’re lucky to have them. Twitter and TikTok also offer a community with like-minded people. And you write through Medium, talking about your experiences, feelings, and problems. It’s a great place to write.

When you’re reading this, a few months have passed, and I’m curious to know how you’re doing. I hope you’ve found yourself in less stressful situations, and I hope your depression has gotten less as well. I also hope you’ve had more time to develop yourself within you being non-binary. Do you still want a beard and microdoses of testosterone? In that case, you should probably follow up on that.

I wish you all the best. With love,

Rozemarijn