What Does it Take to be Vulnerable?
By: Naahushi Kavuri
Tags: Vulnerability, Writers Life, Broken

What does it take to be vulnerable? What does it take to really open up about every single thing that we said would be known to nobody but us — to start talking about all the bitter memories and experiences we have gone through, or witnessed someone close go through, and has affected us — what does it take?

What does being vulnerable really mean? To what extent should we be vulnerable so that we feel strong? Is one of the reasons we feel better after talking to a psychologist is because we talk about and admit things that we normally wouldn’t tell anyone else? Because we trust that there’s a confidentiality enabling us the freedom to literally talk everything?

Why do we feel sad? Melancholy? You know, if I have to truthfully start talking about everything that ever disturbed me, there are quite a lot of things. I shared a certain few, and I haven’t an uncertain other.

Why did I not share?

-Because we are humans. When we have two flavours of ice cream, we instinctively judge which one is better. Now, if I have to share everything, my first fear is exactly that — judgement. Judgement of either me or the people involved in the story I share.

See, as the first person in all the incidents of my life, I have a different connect with every bad thing that happened to me. It is a bad thing, I really wish it hadn’t happened and I definitely hate the people involved in it for that particular thing.

That last part, “that particular thing” — did you catch that?

I hate the people FOR THAT PARTICULAR incident only — I hate their negatives that caused that incident, I hate everything about them that resulted in that particular incident — BUT, and this is a very huge and important “but”, I don’t hate the people themselves. I do not hate the people. I hate their negatives and I wish and pray that they didn’t have them, but I don’t hate the people. I believe that’s a dynamic that nobody but the first person in the story can understand.

If I do come across anyone whom I could trust to not judge me and my people, I’d happily talk and share a lot of things. Honestly, I did too. But a super selective few. But that’s also the problem for everyone, right?

We all need people in our life who listen without judgement. If you’re reading this and agree to any of what I said, perhaps you could be that person in someone’s life. Be a listener and listener only and if you have any judgements to give, make sure they are not on the people themselves and rather their decisions and negatives. Because people have negatives. We cannot sit around judging people for that.

That having said, without later sounding like a hypocrite, I do want to tell you that I have one person in my life that I just don’t want to forgive. At-least in the time I am writing this, I don’t want to. But that’s also immaterial to you as a reader.

Now, vulnerability. What does it take? It takes a leap of faith to be vulnerable. It takes a lot of strength to let go of what you are holding on to, because the fear of being known by the story you share has always been louder than anything in the mind. It takes understanding — that you are not defined by anything that ever happened, any decision you have ever taken, anything you have said. What defines you is who you choose to be now — that’s the understanding it takes to be vulnerable. And beyond just “understanding” it takes trust.

Trusting yourself, the world and the process. The process of being vulnerable, a little at a time. And a little more every time.

As for me, I’d stop there with talking about what it takes and how to. I will, in all commitment, try and put my vulnerable times into words — perhaps one blog post at a time.

I don’t want to remember them, because I feel good not recollecting them. But I don’t want to feel good by conscious idleness of memories, I want to feel good knowing they happened in all my conscience, and knowing that I am through them more consciously — without using my superpower called “forgetting”.