My 3rd existential crisis (draft version but got released cuz I am drunk)
By: Sitthichat Sukpholtham
Tags: Capitalism, Life

Yeah, I am drunk and going through an existential crisis at the age of 26. Instead of finishing up SoPs for Ph.D. programs, I am just venting out through this writing. I hope this piece of shitty work can reflect your thought somehow, maybe not now but in the near future, when things have revealed.

This time, the trigger is not entirely different from the first two crises I have had. What makes it stand out is that I have lost my self-esteem. I never have lost my self-esteem to this extent. My history of success was pretty good. I had accomplished lots of things. I felt that I had kept my momentum quite well. An accomplishment after another accomplishment has made me confident in my potential. Well, I still believe in my potential that I am capable of climbing up that fucking ladder of success, but I just lost the motivation of doing it. Back in the old times when I was in the environmental conservation club, I loved to (kinda) preach about my ideologies to my friends. I loved to spread my craziness in nature to my fellows. I motivated my friends to get interested in politics, as it is the only way to raise our life quality collectively and humanely. I decided to take the path of being an engineer (slash scientist). I believed that I could contribute to the environment by improving our understanding of the natural world. Shit, was I wrong? Maybe not. But after reading tons of articles (surely biased but who cares at this point?), I am getting more convinced that our problems are not the lack of scientific knowledge, but rather the political system that supports the establishment. Lol, I kinda have reached that conclusion but I tried to tuck it under my subconscience. Why? Maybe I am afraid that I have taken the wrong path. I should have studied political science so that I have the knowledge to change the system? Pure bullshit. It is just an excuse that I have cringed on to reinforce the choices I have made. I am passionate about the ocean surely. This is 100 percent true. But, what should be the way I contribute to the sustainability of it? How about climate change? How about the ecological crisis? How about the collective depression of the young generation? For fuck sake. I don’t know. I just go to work every day serving nobody but the capitalist. Who will benefit from the improved efficiency of the routine process, it is not the general public but the capitalist. I have seen people giving artificial meanings to their bullshit work that they just do for getting by and I feel sad. Like how desperate is that? Sayin this out loud (even through words) can be seen as a taboo. Yeah, it is harsh but take it, folks. I just feel like people are avoiding accepting it. The fact that the jobs we do to earn our living are just surrogate activities. They do not mean anything more than a means to get by in this system. We are just diverting our attention from this harsh reality. Some can do it until their demise. But that sounds fucking sad.

I have lived in this city for a complete one year and I am so done with it. The culmination of shallowness. Everyday I am bombarded with fucking ads without any of my consent. I am not a product that you can just monetize my attention. This city does not have a place that I adore. I cannot think of a single place that I want to go to when I am down. A place where can reconnect to nature. A place where I can dump all negative feelings. A place that I can cry for when I miss it. I had never imagined such a place exists or I even need such a place until I have found it. It may be a curse and the saying that ignorance is bliss may be true after all. But I don’t want to accept it. I have to break off the crust of fear that has blinded me and repressed my courage. This agony must end. I know that the only way to get over this crisis is to suffer and think! think hard about how to get over it. Face the reality. Being aware of what I can do and what I want to do. Most importantly, hold on to my 20-year-old-self. We are never allowed to imagine life outside the capitalist lens. We need more dreamers. Depression is not a biological disease. It is a social disease created by modernity. What they have promised us is just a big lie and everybody needs to realize it. So that we can act collectively, not competitively. Who are you to dare say that human’s nature is selfish and sluggish? Fuck you. I am not buying your shit anymore. I hope you all do the same.