The Kinky Female Mind: Why Women Fantasize About Rape and BDSM
By: Kaye Smith Phd
Tags: BDSM, Sex, Psychology, Women, Sexual Fantasy

Rape Fantasies

Of course, the ultimate power fantasy is rape, which is an extremely common one among women. Around 62% of women report having one at some point in time. Just why women fantasize about an act that most of us would find extremely traumatic were it to take place has perplexed and fascinated researchers for years.

Now, as many sex experts point out, most women aren’t fantasizing about being hurt or injured. Realistic images of violent rape aren’t spank bank for the majority of women.

The “rape” fantasy of the average woman is primarily about aggressive seduction and has its roots in cultural norms. Women are socialized to experience our sexuality second-hand and feel desire by being desired.

So, in a typical rape fantasy, the fantasizer is overpowered by a studly man who can’t control his desire for her because she’s so smokin’ hot.

Women with forced sex fantasies often have rich fantasy lives replete with many sizzling storylines, ranging from the romantic to the tender to the taboo. Far from being an indicator of pathology, it’s more likely an indicator of sexual satisfaction and an uncensored imagination.

And the tougher the broad the more likely she is to be drawn to rape themes. According to Hawley and Hensley’s research on female fantasies, dominant, high self-esteem women had more rape fantasies and were more attracted to dominant men than their meeker sisters. As the researchers noted in their study of 355 women:

“If such fantasies reflect a masochistic desire for pain and humiliation perpetrated by a misogynistic and brutal aggressor (e.g., Baumeister, 1989), then the dominant woman should not entertain these fantasies because doing so would strip her of her power. If these fantasies instead reflect a passionate exchange with a powerful, resource-holding, and attentive suitor, then through them the dominant woman could reinforce her high standing in the group and her favorable opinion of herself.”

It should be pointed out that there is a huge difference between sexual fantasies and sexual wishes. Though Lehmiller spent a good bit of time in his book discussing how to make your fondest fantasy a reality, many women don’t want to act out their rape fantasies.

When a Rape Fantasy Is NOT a Sexual Fantasy

Not all rape fantasies are meant to be sexual turn-ons. Sometimes, they’re a way to deal with trauma. One 2009 study separated rape fantasies into three separate categories 1. erotic 2. aversive, and 3. erotic-aversive.

Erotic Rape Fantasies

Erotic rape fantasies are the stuff that romance novels are made of and follow a standard plot-line: Dreamy stud undone by lust pursues reluctant heroine. She resists (sort of), he persists (definitely), then takes her in a heated frenzy (no animals were harmed in the making of this fantasy).

When the dust has settled and cats have come out of hiding, they’re both smiling.

These kinds of forced sex scenarios were characterized by high female arousal, little violence, and fake initial resistance. Many women starred their partner, ex-partner, or someone they knew as the perp/rapist.

Aversive Rape Fantasies

Aversive rape fantasies were rare in the study and shouldn’t properly be classified as “sexual fantasies” since most women were NOT aroused by them. They were characterized by genuine non-consent and often aggression at the hands of a faceless stranger, or a relative. Most women experienced feelings of guilt and shame over these thoughts and a sizable proportion of the women in the study who reported them had a sexual abuse history. The researchers theorized that:

“Aversive rape fantasies appear to operate as attempts to deal with the fear of actual rape by gaining some sense of control over rape situations and rehearsing how one might deal with actual rape.”

Erotic-Aversive Rape Fantasies

These fantasies were a paradox — a mixed bag of fear and arousal. Most of them starred a partner or an ex of the fantasizer. They contained elements of non-consent that both aroused and disturbed. The researchers didn’t give an explanation as to why some women have these daydreams, but I imagine it might be for the same reasons aversive fantasies exist — as a way to deal with trauma and fear.

Many women have experienced sexual abuse at the hands of someone who they once trusted, and fantasies are often our minds way of processing disturbing emotions, pain, and trauma.

Plus, anxiety and sexual arousal can be uneasy bed-mates as I’ve gone into before in my article on the psychology of the erotic mind. Autonomic nervous system arousal underlies both fear and sexual excitement, and our minds can confuse the two since they are physiologically identical states. Fear can be a turn-on under the right circumstances.

Abject terror can even create “fear goggles” in some cases.

In social psychology, we call this the misattribution of arousal theory. To give you a practical example, if you’re looking to get laid it’s better to take your date somewhere exciting like a scary movie, out bungee jumping, or nowadays just out of the house — anywhere that that gets the nervous system all revved up, s(he) will “misattribute” the excitement to you and think you’re hot stuff.