Holding space
By: Ameya Nagarajan
Tags: Relationships, Self-awareness, Compassion

I saw this on Instagram this weekend and it really is something that needs to be said and remembered. It’s like levelling up a relationship. (Remember relationships don’t have to be romantic or sexual…)

This post is a bit of a joke, and it’s kind of speaking to people who are into psychology, but the point it makes is also just generally a function of achieving maturity and balance — learning to recognize that there is more to a situation than your own feelings.

You see, we spend so much time and energy not permitting ourselves to feel certain feelings when people trigger them. Don’t be sad, or angry; don’t be irritated. Showing that someone gets to you is displaying weakness. Expressing negative feelings to someone means you are done with the relationship, it means you’re showing them your “not best” side. I’m not saying this is explicit, but if we sit down and consider how we deal with our emotional responses in relationships, we’ll see the pattern.

What does this do to us? It makes us bottle things up. It makes us simmer under the surface with all these feelings we aren’t allowed to express. It makes us explode at hair triggers, and it makes us very defensive. The minute something happens we think, “Well look at how you make me feel, and I can keep it under control, why can’t you?” At some point we learn to or we have to start expressing and acknowledging these feelings, and it all comes out anyway. It’s also important to be able to be angry with people! And then get over it and move on. And to give people space to be angry with us, and not demand instant forgiveness and erasure of the anger.

The next stage is what this tweet is talking about, when we reach the point where we have enough space in our heads, hearts and relationships to find compassion even in those intensely emotional moments, and we are able to see, understand, accept and acknowledge why the other person is acting in this way. We can tell they have a reason for it, and we know it’s not just to hurt us.

This is a very awesome stage. It’s really cool! It helps you feel more in control of your self, your thoughts, your feelings and your relationships. If you get to this stage, HIGH FIVE!!! It’s a lot of growth to be able to hold space for someone else’s pain in the middle of yours.

There is, however, one more level!!!

You see, level 2 is where we recognise why people hurt us, and we are able to see their pain and use our love to forgive them for the hurt. But. It is also very important to still and also acknowledge our right to be hurt and angry. Yes that’s level 1 again, but better!

There is something about human nature and society that drives us to put things in binaries. We are really not comfortable with “and” — we love “or”. “I’m right or you’re right.” “You hurt me or I’m upset for no reason.” “I’m upset for a reason or I understand why you did what you did.”

The fact that I am depressed and don’t have the resources to be there for you is true. But so is the fact that my not being there for you made you feel abandoned. So who’s “right”? Which fact wins? We think that it has to be one or the other, but in fact both things exist and are true at the same time. And it’s when we can hold this space for our hurt and the other person’s hurt or intent or lack thereof, and they can do the same for us, that we reach a really wonderful place of love and security and support in our relationships.