Recovering From 6 Types of Abuse From 1 Abuser
By: Kristina H
Tags: Narcissism, Relationships, Breakups, Domestic Violence, Abuse

Recovering From 6 Types of Abuse From 1 Abuser

There are so many arguments and debates over what type of abuse is the worst, or most dangerous. If you were to research the types of abuse, what you will find are:

Physical Abuse- the act of physically harming another person’s body. This includes kicking, slapping, strangling, shoving and any other form of violent abuse that harms another person’s body. Sexual Abuse- Non consensual sexual acts or inflicting physical abuse onto a person in a sexual manner. This can include rape, or withholding sex, and using it as a weapon. Sex can also be used to assign value in another person causing emotional harm. This kind of abuse can also occur when the abuser coerces their victim into acts of sex, unwillingly. Verbal/ Emotional Abuse- This type of abuse is sneaky and often silent. This is the type of abuse that can deflate a person simply by chipping away at them with malicious words or phrases. Words like stupid, ugly, fat, loser, or other callous words are toxic to hear, and can destroy a victim’s self worth and value. This kind of abuse is typically impossible to prove, and can be nearly impossible to completely heal from. Mental/ Psychological Abuse- This goes hand in hand with emotional abuse, and I, from personal experience would say that a person who emotionally abuses another would also be very capable and apt to psychologically abuse as well. This encompasses gaslighting, stonewalling and making their victim feel at fault for the issues in the relationship. This type of abuse can make the victim feel as though they are crazy or losing their own sense of sanity and control. Financial / Economic Abuse- This type of abuse is also quite common when it comes to emotional harm. This abuser will keep money, financial information and even their victim’s money and/or credit rating hidden and unavailable. This is a form of control that causes co-dependency, rendering the victim helpless and unable to escape the abusive situation. Cultural/ Identity Abuse- This type of abuser is the kind that will attach their victim for being of a certain culture or “label”. An example of this, from my own experience, is my ex calling me a “Nazi” because of my German heritage. Or, if the victim is of LGBQ-T nature, the abuser could call them out with slurs, slang or vulgar names, against their identity or culture.

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A Snapshot of My Abusive Relationship

If I was to summarize the abusive relationship I escaped, it would touch on every type of abuse listed above. Oddly enough, however, I have healed from most of it, with the exception of the emotional abuse. This is still a work in progress.

When I met J, he seemed like a kind, warm hearted guy. We got along well and spent nearly every day together during our first few months. I noticed a few red flags early on, but because he was a “nice” guy, I shrugged them off as me being paranoid from past relationships.

J was a special kind of abuser. He was stealthy in his mind games, and within the first year of our time together, he had me convinced that I couldn’t do anything, let alone live, without him. To this day, I am unsure of how his control got to me, or how he managed to manipulate me to the point of losing my self esteem and self worth in such a short time.

Physical Abuse- During our first year together, J pushed me onto the ground at a party. He had been drinking and I took his keys from him so he wouldn’t drive. There were multiple witnesses and I was beyond embarrassed, but I found ways to excuse him for his violence. (He was drunk, after all). I should have left then, but I would feel his hard grip, leaving bruises on my arms, and feel the sting of his shoving me, and grabbing me, a few more times over the following years. I felt too weak and tired to fight back, and would cave into tears, crumpled on the floor, or in our bed, while he told me I was crazy and needed to calm down. He said I pushed him to his limit and sometimes I just needed to listen to him, and he would hurt me to get my attention. I don’t know when I determined that this made some sort of distorted sense.

Sexual Abuse- J made my sexuality into a sick game. He made empty promises of marriage, if I would fulfill his fantasy of threesomes. He found ways to manipulate me through other women, making me feel like I was garbage compared to his ex and to other women he pursued. I was so far into the relationship that I had no other choice than to try and win him, and to be the best of the women he chased. I had no where to run to, and had no idea how to get out from under his heavy thumb. I would try and have privacy in the bath tub, and solace from him, but he would push his way in, sit by the tub and be waiting for me to pleasure him when I got out. If I didn’t comply, he would pout and stomp around the house, complaining that I didn’t love him.

He would coerce and whine if I didn’t voluntarily initiate sex with him, and he humiliated me into being with other couples. He went on a website that matched couples, and would “befriend” the woman, sending photos of me and of himself, before even telling me that he had made contact with them. When I said no, he would belittle me until I gave in, and humiliate me in front of them, if or when we met. I never had a choice to consent or decline. I just had to obey and comply, in order to maintain peace in our relationship.

Verbal/ Emotional Abuse- “Why are you always so messy?” “I think you make stupid decisions”. I can go on and on. J had this way of making me feel useless and stupid in everything I did. When I landed a career that I had worked my ass off to get, he made it about him, and had to take credit for my work. The day I went for my interview, he HAD to drive me, and even convinced me that I needed to go and ask my potential employers to interview me an hour early, because he had to get home. Luckily my new employer was confused, but understanding, and I was hired. I felt humiliated.

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He picked on my appearance, constantly, telling me to wear a hat over my hair, telling me what clothing to wear, and even saying that I needed to work out more. (He was very overweight).

His insults were endless, and daily. I cannot recall a single day when he made me feel beautiful or loved unconditionally. I was not allowed to decorate our home, nor was I allowed to make decisions without his agreement. Yet, I was compelled to stay. My new excuse became “If I didn’t love him, no one else would”.

Psychological Abuse- The gaslighting never ended with J. In the end, it was his gaslighting that was my final straw, and the reason I mustered the strength to leave. Over the span of our relationship, he cheated on me, in various ways, 3 times that I am aware of. When I confronted him, he would sob like a child, become infuriated, make excuses, and tell me that I was “psycho” because I became angry. He would insult me in front of our friends, and there were times when I would become so embarrassed of the way he was treating me that I would just go to bed, even when we had a houseful of people. I would go out of my way to do nice things for him, like throw him large birthday parties, and he would embarrass me by making fun of me, or being outright rude, bossing me around, or mocking me for being affectionate.

He would call my friends “hot ” and try and text them when I wasn’t around, hoping to score with them. Of course, my friends would tell me, and call him a creep. I would seethe in rage, and eventually call him out for it. He would retaliate by calling my friends “nuts” and me “crazy”. It was agonizing, especially when my friends all began ghosting me, because they couldn’t handle him. I knew something was very wrong with this relationship, yet, I just couldn’t find my escape route. Eventually, J would mess up so badly, that I would leave, and finally be free.

Financial Abuse- Luckily, J and I never shared bank accounts or credit cards. J obsessed over paying all his bills, at full balance, on time. If he didn’t he would lose his mind. When we first got together, he paid off one of my big debts, and I was beyond grateful, but felt “off” about it. I never asked him to help me. He wanted to know what the balance on my credit card was and I told him. He said that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with debt, so he “loaned” me the money to pay it off. I should have known this would bite me in the ass, but I wanted, with all of my heart, to trust this man. After this, he would decide on EVERY purchase we made. He bought all the furniture he wanted, he bought himself a camper and used it as a weapon against his ex. He would buy vehicles without any agreement or feedback from me, and eventually would buy himself a motorbike, against my wishes. If I bought clothes, he would demand that I get rid of some of my current clothing to make room for new items. He would check price tags and ask me how much I paid on EVERYTHING I bought. He hoarded expensive booze and cigars that were worth more than the car I drove. He would continually remind me that he made more money than I did, so he called the shots. He would use the money he loaned me as a weapon, continually through our relationship.

J convinced me to sell all of my own furniture and most of my belongings that we had doubles of, such as my ironing board, dishes and everything that I had collected over the past years. Believing that we would start fresh and purchase OUR stuff together, I obeyed and we had a garage sale. In the end, everything we had together belonged to him and his ex, and he refused to part with any of her stuff.

There was an incident when I tidied up the house, and moved some papers that he had on the coffee table. Apparently one of those papers was the phone bill he was planning on paying, and it got put on a shelf on the laptop we shared. He just happened to reach for the laptop one evening and found the bill. It was dated to be due the day before. He screamed and yelled, and called me pathetic and useless, and blamed me for destroying his perfect credit, because now he was late to pay his bill. He even told the lady on the phone, when he called the phone company, that his “stupid girlfriend” had moved the bill, and he missed paying it. Of course the phone company did not mark his payment as “late”. And, of course, he never apologized

Cultural/ Identity Abuse- As I mentioned before, my ex found ways to criticize my heritage. He would call the food I made him Nazi food, and he would refer to me and my family as a bunch of Nazis because we had German background. He also found ways to mock me for my upbringing.

At first, when I told J I had been abused by my father and sister, he seemed genuinely concerned and empathetic. He told me he would never let anyone hurt me again. (I laugh at this now). Somehow, though, this empathetic, compassionate guy I thought I knew, began using my abuse as a sword to stab me with. He would say things like, “I understand why your dad raped you” and during one instance, he verbally attacked one of my assailants inappropriately at a wedding, yelling at him and calling him a “Fucking pedophile piece of shit” in front of my family members. He found many ways to criticize my culture, my family, and my identity. He mocked me for dressing “slutty” while simultaneously dragging me out in public wearing provocative clothing. He would diminish my sister and her husband and remind me that I shouldn’t respect them either for past wrongdoings. He isolated me from everyone that loved or cared about me, and mocked me for being alone.

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I Left Him Twice

I moved 5 hours away from him and started a new career. I never felt so much freedom and independence in my life. It felt good to finally be on my own, and to have my own furnished condo that I shared with a plutonic roommate.

J would text me and call me daily, and most times I would respond or answer, trying to keep a distance. He would show up as a “surprise” on some weekends and ask me to “come home” some weekends.

I would go back home to take more of my belongings, and try to have a visit with J. Most weekends I got there late Friday and was on the road early Sunday, as I couldn’t wait to get away from him. Over the next few months, I tried to distance myself from him and his constant messages and calls. He began to accuse me of cheating on him with my roommate, which was ridiculous. I was good friends with his girlfriend, and I enjoyed having a friend to live with without the pressure of a relationship.

The jealousy drove J to sell his house and relocate. He ended up moving to the city I lived in, and convinced me to start fresh with a new house that would be “ours”. He seemed somehow “different” and I fell for it. This would validate that perhaps I was actually “stupid”, as I ended up moving into a house he called ours. It wasn’t.

We would move from that house to a new house, that he would refer to as “his” even while my name was on the mortgage. He would continue to make every single decision, and I would continue to feel like I was renting space in his house, not OUR home. He would continue to chase other women, make rude comments, try to control everything I did, and I would stash money in a hidden bank account without him knowing.

He would dangle carrots of trips in our future while he continued to emotionally insult and accuse me of cheating. He would continue to pursue women secretly on his phone and was telling his ex everything about our relationship, including private things about me that my own mother didn’t know. I would find ways to catch him at his infidelities and disloyalties and he would call me psycho. I planned my escape numerous times in my head, over the span of 3 years.

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The Escape

I don’t even know why I finally had enough. It could have been the fact that J was out of town and was tracking my whereabouts on my phone and our house cameras without my knowledge. He called me and asked me why I was not at the office and I told him I was at a meeting. He made me call him after the meeting and tracked me while we spoke on the phone. I played a little cat and mouse game and he called me out, blatantly admitting he was watching where I was driving. Once I got home, he could see me on the house cameras and he abruptly hung up on me. I felt like a caged animal for no reason and speculated it was because he was cheating again while he was out of town.

It also could have been because I had the support of friends who would provide a safe place for me to hide out in for awhile, and a job that would give me paid time off to find a new life.

It could have been because I had simply taken enough from him, and could no longer stand the way he leered at me any longer. I don’t know what the exact final straw was, but I finally escaped.

The night I told him I was leaving, he found my packed getaway bag in our closet. It was stashed away, in case shit went south, when I announced my parting. After he asked me about the bag, the argument got heated and he shoved me, before grabbing my arms, to try and shake me. I tried to go to the spare bedroom and he stormed after me, grabbing at me and begging me to come to bed. I slept in full clothing and sobbed myself to sleep.

We had a beautiful house. Most people would call it a dream house because it was pretty close to perfect, with every kind of finish and trim you can imagine. The floors and granite and walkout basement were all high end, and the spaces inside were wide open with clean lines.

I began to hate that house. It was such a lie.

That house was never a home to me, and as I packed up my measly belongings, that were mostly still stored away, I couldn’t help but feel relief and excitement for my next journey away from him. This time there was no going back.

He would spend the next months sleeping with at least 5 women, while begging me to come home. He even proposed to me for the first time ever, while I was packing more items out of the house. It was quite a pathetic and desperate ploy, even for him. Of course, he had no ring.

I still had access to all the cameras in the house, and I watched as women came and went, doing the walk of shame after spending the night. He would lie to me and say he had “buddies’ over for drinks, even while I knew the truth and had the evidence on my phone.

I carefully went along with what he said just until I got my stuff completely out of the house, trying to save face with him, while I felt like vomiting every time I had to deal with him. We finally filed a separation and of course, he used the debt he had paid for me, years before, as ammunition to short change me. I didn’t care. I had my freedom.

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How He Kept Me

These kinds of abusers are keen and have a diabolical skillset. They KNOW who to victimize and they KNOW how to manipulate masterfully.

They know when to charm the pants off someone they want to keep and they know how to use emotions as a bargaining chip. They can cry on demand, and will use their victims empathy as their power tool.

These abusers will dangle future plans in your face, like trips, events, even wedding plans, while they torment you in the present. If you stand up against them, they will then use those carrots as weapons and threaten to take them from you if you don’t comply with them. If you truly want to attend the event, trip or plan, and want it to be peaceful, you swallow your pride “just until it’s over” and make them happy. Just when you begin to make a plan to leave again, they steal it from you with another plan, or by turning the charm back on. They can fool you into believing that they “love you in their own way”.

They will throw money at your relationship, by buying fancy houses or toys for themselves, making you believe that they are financially secure, even while they financially abuse you. They will allow you to have access to their purchases, as long as you don’t change them or use them without them present.

He fooled me over the years by being kind when I needed him to be, but traumatizing when I became comfortable. He played on my competitive nature by using other women as toys. he would flash his ex in my face, just often enough to make me fight for him. He would flirt with other women to make me jealous enough to win him over.

The worst part, and the pill that I still have trouble swallowing, is that he turned me from a strong independent woman, into a victim. For that, he will never earn my forgiveness. He used my heart and my kindness against me, and for a fleeting moment, he turned me into a bitter, angry stranger.

And, I fell for it. All of it.

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The Takeaway

Now that I am out of the dense fog of that relationship, I have learned so many new values, boundaries and lessons that will pave the way for my future relationships.

Red flags are warning you to get out. These are GUT feelings that tell us that something isn’t right. I will never wait for a second red flag again. The first one will make my decision for me.

There is such a thing as acting too kind. In fact, if a person is faking being kind and open hearted, it is easy to recognize. They try too hard, and they always want something in return. The abuser’s kindness never comes without a price.

The very first time another person lays their hands on me to shove me, grab me, or hurt me physically in ANY way, not only will I run, but I will call the police. There is NEVER an excuse for physical abuse.

Sexual abuse will never happen to me again. I can identify the signs so easily now, thanks to J, and because of my past, that I know exactly what it feels like to be uncomfortable sexually because of someone else’s actions. NEVER AGAIN.

As for the emotional and psychological abuse he inflicted on me, I am still recovering. I speak to a therapist and I have a loving partner who helps me to mend, but I am still far from healed. I still have low self esteem and bad self value, but I am slowly getting better. These kinds of scars never seem to heal, they only fade over time, reminding you of your vulnerability, your weakness and your empathy. The angry stranger that I saw in the mirror is beginning to look more familiar to who I was, but oddly, there is also a reflection of a new, stronger me in the background.

I will heal eventually. Just not today.