Stop Operating On Autopilot
By: Nicole Bedford
Tags: Mindfulness, Life, Self-awareness, Self, Self Improvement

I’ve been there. After graduating high school I thought I needed a major that would guarantee I’d always have employment and I’d never had to struggle for money. This was all drilled into me by my family, teachers and the society I grew up in.

Being a doctor meant I’d follow a noble pursuit that would secure my social standing and afford me everything I wanted. I struggled in University, battling a generalized anxiety disorder, seasonal depression and PTSD from unchecked childhood trauma and I realized that I would never make it through medical school.

More importantly, I knew I didn’t want to try. Changing course didn’t seem like a good idea so once I was done I went home and became a teacher. Not because I wanted to educate and inspire youth but because I had no idea what else I could do with a science degree. Sure there were options but none that appealed to me. Though, I was sold on becoming a teacher by a family friend that owned a school and so I did.

I unconsciously decided that teaching was just as noble. I hate my job. Thankless doesn’t begin to scratch the surface of what teaching high school is really like but it created a bitterness in me that took me into the darkest of despairs. To cope with my discontent I drowned myself in substance abuse, excessive partying, reckless sexual behavior and avoided dealing with the underlying issues. I flipped the autopilot switch and carried on.

The routine formed without much effort; work until 4 pm I only needed to survive until the happy hour at 5 pm and then I could party and pretend my life was better than it was. Truth be told I was playing a dangerous game, Russian Roulette, the trigger being fired at the nesting doll I hid inside of. I’d lost sight of who I was and those dreams seemed to belong to someone else. The destruction had taken a toll on my mind, body, and spirit.

Nothing changed until I decided to take control of my life. There is no magical moment that made me snap out of the zombie zone only a conversation. Words of a woman a lot wiser than I was about food. At the time I was working at a private school that was grounded in traditional African values and classical learning. I knew the Dean, and his wife was a Vegan Chef. One day she came by and we had a long conversation about the relationship we have with our bodies and the fuel we put in it.

Veganism was not new to me, I grew up with Seventh Day Adventist and so I’d eaten plant-based before. Her approach was more holistic. She took orders on Wednesday from staff members so I decided to try. FOMO made me do it and it changed everything. I started consciously eating, and before I knew it I gave up meat completely.

This isn’t a sales pitch for veganism, I am currently not vegan, but this mindful approach to eating had a domino effect in my life. Every meal was thought out and planned and so I consciously thought of what went into my body.

As a result, I lost weight, I finally freed myself of religion, I began doing activities I used to love before I let life fuck me like dance, yoga, and art. I stopped abusing substances on the frequency that I was. Overall I nurtured my mind, body, and spirit.