God Hates Your Pillow
By: Rob Janicke
Tags: Change, The Bad Influence, Comedy, My Pillow, Satire

Photo by Kirill Vasilev on Unsplash

“Jesus slept on rocks just so you could one day reap the benefits of cotton and polyurethane”, said 59-year-old Mike Lindell, CEO and founder of MyPillow Inc., and third largest pimple on the ass of soon to be former President of the United States, Donald Trump.

In 2004, the former crackhead and lunch wagon proprietor started a business and launched a revolution. MyPillow was born and life as the rest of the world knew it was changed forever.

Self-proclaimed sleep lover, Barney Watson of Eden Prairie, Minnesota and MyPillow customer, had this to say when asked about Lindell:

“I’ll tell ya, Mr. Lindell is the smartest man alive dontcha know? Now, I know sleep ok? I’ve slept on pillows of all shapes, sizes, and material, and nothing, I mean nothing sends me off to catch my Zzzz’s like MyPillow, you betcha!”

As luck would have it, I had to be in Chaska, Minnesota last week to cover a story on the world’s largest 3D printed mustache which I’m told is nearly 12 feet wide, and took over 300 hours to print, and was able to track down and speak with the MyPillow guy himself.

RJ: Hi MyPillow guy, thanks so much for taking the time to speak with me on such short notice.

ML: Well, you’re welcome but my name is Mike.

RJ: Er, ok…I’m sorry, umm, Mike.

ML: It’s ok.

RJ: So Mike, I thought I’d begin by asking what made you start the My…

ML: You THOUGHT? So you’re thinking now? I only know of two people who have the authority to think my friend. Donald J. Trump, the greatest President in the history of our great land and our Lord and Savior himself, Jesus Christ!

RJ: (staring blankly) O K A Y…

ML: Have you ever read the Bible son?

RJ: Excuse me?

ML: The Bible, have you read it?

RJ: Uhh…ok, umm, yes I have. I went to Catholic school as a kid and my parents are…

ML: You are filthy garbage!

RJ: I’m so confused.

ML: (sound of sucking water and a deep inhale) This conversation is over!

RJ: MyPill…I mean, Mike, wait. I’m not sure what I did but can you forgive me? I see that cross you wear outside of your shirts all the time which means you put it on after you get dressed so everyone can see it and that signifies you’re a Christian, right? Isn’t the whole thing built around forgiveness?

ML: You’re lucky your lungs are still functioning. Now get out of my way you heathen! (MyPillow guys exits the room)

RJ: (whispering and slumped in the chair) What in the fuck just happened?

It took a few minutes to gather my thoughts, finish what was left of my Hotdish, and come to grips with what transpired. Then it hit me. The MyPillow guy is a genius!

Mike Lindell isn’t selling pillows, who the hell would ever want to sell pillows? No, Lindell is playing The Queen’s Gambit level chess while the rest of us are playing with plastic checkers. Mr. MyPillow is selling SLEEP!

Think about it…sleep is something we all do, we all love and it’s necessary for survival. It’s brilliant! He will never run out of customers. It’s one of those ideas that once you hear about it you say to yourself, “God, why didn’t I think of that”?

Speaking of God, that guy is a master marketer in his own right, and Lindell, the one-time freebasing crack fiend, struck gold by implementing the Big Guy. Throw in a heaping side dish of Donald Trump and the Holy Trinity of money-making is born. MyPillow is worth hundreds of millions of dollars…do you know how much rock cocaine and how many politicians that kind of scratch can buy?

Say what you will of Mike Lindell, but I for one think he’s the kind of genius rarely seen these days. If there were a Mount Rushmore for pillow people, Mike Lindell’s face would be the first to be chiseled in rock…you betcha!