We’re All Hypocrites!
By: Max Greenberg
Tags: American, Values, Humanity, Hypocrisy, Introspection

We say we hate when people park poorly, but park diagonally across the line when we’re in a hurry.

We say we respect everyone’s opinions, but can’t even talk to someone who has different political beliefs.

We say we love and appreciate mothers but don’t want to know what they go through or help lessen that burden.

We say women’s bodies should be covered, but not in porn or clubs designed for men.

We say “all lives matter,” but only care about saving white American lives.

We say children are the future, but lock them in cages, jail cells, and group homes.

We say we follow God but ignore his true teachings and values.

We say we want “freedom” but don’t like when people do things freely.

We are hypocrites. All of us. I remember when I was a kid and realized that all adults were hypocrites. It was a devastating, yet freeing piece of knowledge. On the one hand, I was incredulous that adults just said whatever they wanted and did the exact thing they claimed to hate. On the other hand, knowledge is power, and this new fact helped me deal with a lot of disappointment and hard truths. It also helped me readjust my expectations of people. Everyone is a hypocrite. We all say things and then do the opposite. I firmly believe that it’s in our DNA as humans. What I’m not as sure about is why. Why do we pretend or, at least, claim to believe something and then do the opposite? Why not just admit we don’t care or that we believe something different? Why are we all hypocrites?

I’m a very curious person by nature; I ask a lot of “whys” about things that other people don’t feel the need to ask about. This is an annoying personality trait to many people, I know. I’m like a five year old who never grew out of that stage — but WHY do we have to go, mom?! It comes from a genuine wonderment of why the world works as it does, and specifically human societies. We get complacent, especially as we grow older, with the way things have always been. I’m not sure if it’s more hopeless or apathetic. But in our complacency we forget to question things that really don’t make sense. Like when did it become acceptable to say you value honesty and then lie to the American public? Why do we pretend, or even really believe inside that we value something strongly, only to act against our own intentions?

I’ve always really respected orthodox religious people for this reason. I may not agree with some of their beliefs or actions, but the fact that they’re living their beliefs is honorable to me. I know what to expect, and that’s comforting. The problem I see is when people are touting these values and doing the opposite, because that is some clear-cut hypocrisy. While it may seem weird to say, I would rather deal with a murderer whose like, whole life plan was to murder people and who was always saying some crazy shit than some local sheriff who went to church every week with his perfect family and was low-key raping and murdering girls on the side. Because hypocrisy is confusing. It’s like lying, but both more obvious and convoluted to others. We are tricking ourselves into believing what we are saying is true, even though we are doing something else — something we know we don’t like. Yet, we are comforting ourselves with the idea that we don’t like that thing so we couldn’t possibly be doing it.

So, why can we as humans not admit to ourselves that maybe we actually don’t believe that as strongly as we thought? Or maybe we don’t even care about it at all? Why do we care SO much about our so-called values that we would rather go against them than admit we don’t follow them anymore? Here are my guesses: 1) It’s our pride. Since we touted this belief loudly for so long, we can’t admit we were wrong and, even more humiliating, did the exact thing we said not to do for so long! 2) We want to believe we are moral, good people (whatever that means to us) and don’t want to see ourselves as flawed, imperfect beings. Also, if we do figure out we were wrong, we are bad at being transparent and accountable for our wrongdoings. 3) Similarly, we don’t like realizing or admitting that other people are right and have been all along. AND we like to pick out other people’s wrongdoings rather than notice our own, even when they are the exact same thing. 4) We’re not great at connecting our thoughts and actions. Classic examples being “you’re saying one thing, but doing another” and “actions speak louder than words.” Except, while these are super obvious to other people, they are way harder to spot in ourselves. Which leads to: 5) Introspection is hard, y’all. First, it can be hard to determine our own beliefs and values separate from our parents/family/friends/community/society. This process is called differentiation, and mostly happens in adolescence; but it can be delayed wayyyy into adulthood by complicating factors like trauma, addiction, family separation & death, or other adverse experiences. Let’s say we make it to adulthood around 24 (let’s be realistic here) rockin some core beliefs and values that we’re sharing with anyone who will listen (Facebook, holla!). Well, we haven’t really had a chance to test them out as an adult. So, when that test comes, maybe we act differently in the moment than we thought we would based on our beliefs. Makes sense. How could we really know what we would do without experiencing it? But then, the logical thing would be for our brains to recognize that and recalibrate our beliefs and values based on those test experiences. That involves taking time to self-reflect and determine if we actually do support our belief in practice or not, and if not, figure out what our new belief may be OR how to change our actions to match it. Instead, it seems like we double down on ourselves, insisting that, “NO, we do believe this!!” (back to our five year old selves again) And we continue to spout beliefs and act hypocritically rather than be humbled or embarrassed. Part of the problem is that because everyone is doing this, it’s hard to call each other out for this and hard to respond well if we are called out. It’s easy to get defensive, since that is our go-to option as humans. It’s way harder to suck it up and admit that we are a hypocrite. 6) This pattern continues until it’s cemented in and we can’t even recognize the confusion and tension within ourselves. So, we stand tall as hypocrites, spouting our beliefs and doing the opposite as the children watch us.

If those are some of the reasons why we are all hypocrites, then how can we change this? Here are some of my opinions. Not researched, just well thought out approaches.

Introspection: doing 👏that 👏work 👏to reflect on our beliefs and play a nice little matching game with our actions! Each time you get a match, give yourself a token, get to five, you get bingo! (That was a joke, but I might actually try it…) If you’re noticing a pattern of these not matching, maybe reevaluate some beliefs and/or actions. Also, we need to be honest about things we don’t care about and learn to accept that in ourselves and each other. It might seem harsh at first, but it’s way easier to get over someone else not caring about something you do than being a hypocrite about it. (Ex. not caring about eating meat, rather than saying you’re a vegetarian because you care about animals but then owning tons of fur and leather. This is always more annoying.)

Practice Taking Responsibility: this is a hard one. We are NOT taught how to do this well in the U.S. We are taught to lie, get defensive, make excuses, blame others, or just be silent rather than admit we are wrong and take responsibility for our actions! We are so scared of punishment, shame, retribution, revenge, embarrassment, and being seen as “weak” that we cannot practice accountability. We can’t change our actions if we don’t admit we did them and recognize the pain or destruction they caused. I have tried to practice this with small things to build up a tolerance for the big ones. I practiced giving genuine, thought-out apologies and stopped saying sorry for things I wasn’t actually sorry for. That way, I was able to become more clear on what my beliefs and values are based on my sense of accountability and remorse for my actions. Even so, I still notice myself or get called out for doing or saying things that don’t align with my beliefs — because I’m a hypocrite, just like you!

Accept that we’re ALL hypocrites: the sooner we accept that we are all in the same boat in terms of hypocrisy, the sooner we can try to change ourselves and the larger culture around hypocrisy. If we admit it to ourselves and each other, it’s not as shameful or dirty a word, it’s just a truth about our culture. (Is this true in most cultures? Idk, but would like to find out!) We are not that great at hiding it, anyway; kids can usually spot it in adults pretty quickly. And how refreshing would it be if we called out our friend or uncle and they said, “I’m being a hypocrite about this. I’m saying one thing and doing the opposite.” First, we would be shocked almost out of our anger or hurt. Then we could talk and think about it. There would be a place to begin finding a way through that problem, towards more aligned beliefs and actions.

I don’t think these things would stop us from being hypocrites all together, but it would probably help start some good conversations and maybe lessen the occurrences of hypocrisy in our everyday lives. Which would make my kid-self really happy.