Padma in Sync
Tags: Short Story, Livelifenow, Health Matters, Body Positive, Bodypostivity

Padma in Sync

on September 25, 2017

All content copyrighted.

“She walks funny.” The little boy tried twisting his knees and shooting out his spindly legs as he said the words that unsettled her. The knocking knees were symbolic of many other twisted, out-of-alignment situations in her life.

Padma continued to waddle-walk at a brisk pace. The walk was invigorating and until she heard the kids’ comment, she had been relaxed. The great outdoors had always beckoned. But somehow, the unchallenged quietude of an orderly home gave her an escape from yet another aspect of life that she enjoyed.

The pattern of self-sabotage was second nature. It just took knowing what she liked, and that triggered an automatic chain of events that led to her denying herself.

For once, it had all flown from her mind; she didn’t mind the bouncing of everything else in her body. The rules, the guilt, the “musts” and “shoulds” and the unease that emanated from every pore.

Until of course, the innocuous comment from an angel faced truth teller.

“I’ve always walked funny.” she thought, as she tried to clench this and rotate that to appear normal.

A sun kissed man-child of Apollo whizzed by on roller blades yelling, “Work that hip baby!”

Padma gave up and looked toward the ocean. The waves slid gently over the sand and stilled, as Padma stilled. They receded gracefully, exposing moisture and salt laden layers for her. She found herself watching the patterns her feet made on the sand. The waves wiped the sandy slate clean each time. Like the chances she could always accept- at least interrupting her pattern of self-sabotage, if not ending it outright. There was always a chance to start, if one was willing to put oneself first. And honor one’s wishes. And acknowledge one’s desires.

The conversation in the morning with the health insurance lady was eye-opening for a reason. For the first time, Padma had admitted out loud that she had wanted to lose weight since she was all of five. Five…when kids think of cupcakes and candy, she had wished that she was smaller.

She wished it, and continued with the cupcakes and candy. As she grew horizontally and vertically into her teen years, she wished that she could dance; yet she spent most of her time staying still as stone. Her mind whirled for her instead.

She wanted to wear bright blues and greens and pinks, but opted for brown and grey. She wanted to live, but said a small prayer nightly for an exit from a confusing existence.

The wish to lose weight stayed on through articles about acceptance, self-love and the benefits and drawbacks of being full-figured.

Bone weight, water weight, PMS related weight,

weight, weight…

just wait for that weight to go,

wait weight.

She acknowledged the self-betrayal. As Padma watched the waves roll in again, she realized that the weight issue was one in a long chain of unfulfilled needs. Mostly, the needs seemed centered around validating herself. Her choices, and her belief in her person.

The little boy with the funny walk comment was being natural. “ Why would I need validation from a six year old?” Padma wondered at the absurdity of it all. When and where had it all begun?

It seemed as important and as pointless as wondering about the age of the universe, or the origin of time. An exercise in forming connections but ultimately, pointless with respect to the issue at hand.

When she cooked dinner that night, the kids turned on the usual weekend fare on TV. Her husband asked her for her preference as he always did, hoping that she would have something different from, “No I really don’t want to watch anything; you guys choose.”

Padma looked up and met his eyes.

Arms deep in sudsy water, she said, “I would like to watch a show with a lot of travel involved.”

The kids stopped in mid-yell, and her husband grinned delightedly. He had always known that she would come out and say it; patience had been key! He put on a travel channel that none of them usually watched. Strangely, everyone sat quietly right alongside Padma. The kids asked questions, and Padma’s husband planned a trip. It seemed a tough task to decode what his wife liked. She usually never stated preferences, but watching her reactions throughout the time that she watched TV made it easy to gauge that she wanted a tropical beach with a massage thrown in somewhere.

Later that night, when her husband told her of his thoughts for their next vacation, Padma checked herself. All she said was, “I would like to wear a bikini.”

Her husband merely said, “hmmm.”

Padma carried on, “I also need to get in shape. Could you take care of dinner and washing up? It would free up some time for me.”

Her husband smiled and said, “I thought you’d never ask.”

Six months later, on the shores of the Pacific, lying on a padded massage table at the Ambergris Resort and Spa, Padma instructed the therapist saying, “Yes, right there, smack in the middle of my lower back; I have to work on better form as I get used to new resistance bands.”

The therapist said, “Well, bands or not, you’re in great shape! Just relax and let go!”

Padma’s husband adjusted his sun glasses on a nearby deck chair and began planning their next vacation.