There’s no such thing as ‘50–50’ in relationships
By: Bryant Holmes
Tags: Opinion, Counseling, Relationships, Healthy Relationship Tips, Couples

I’m far from an expert in romantic relationships. In fact, after divorcing my wife after 25 years and meeting my girlfriend at a funeral for a mutual friend of hers and my ex-wife’s while we were still married (which is a story for another time), this is a subject I’m probably the least qualified to write about. But I’m going to share my opinion about them anyway.

I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve heard people say that relationships are 50–50. I know they mean well, and they’re simply repeating what they’ve heard other people say like some twisted game of telephone, but they’re wrong.

Relationships are never 50–50. That’s not how they work.

The implication behind that statement is that ‘my 50 percent plus your 50 percent equals 100 percent’. Which, in the case of 1 + 1 equaling 2, makes perfect sense. But the math of relationships isn’t addition. It’s averages.

If I give 50 percent and you give 50 percent, then our relationship is only at 50 percent. But if we both give 100 percent, then the relationship is at 100 percent. That’s actually how it works.

But even with giving 100 percent, here’s the reality: no one gives 100 percent all of the time. It’s impossible. Can’t be done. You can give your all, and you should, each and every day. But your all is never going to be 100 percent consistently.

Let’s pivot a bit.

How many times have you heard someone say at work that they ‘always give 110 percent’, or some variation thereof? Or maybe you’ve said it yourself?

Lies. It sounds good, but it’s a lie. And ultimately, it doesn’t mean anything.

Why?

Because you can’t always give 100 percent, much less 110. You can’t consistently give the same amount of time or energy or focus to any relationship, be it romantic, business, familial, etc.

But you can always give your all.

Some days, your all will be 100 percent, but those days will be few and far between. Most days, your all will be less. There will be many days where your all is 30 percent. Or 60. Or 80. And your partner’s days will be similar. One day, your all is 30 percent and theirs is 40. Guess what? That still equals 100, because you’re not looking at it from a 50–50 or 30–40 perspective: you’re both coming at it from the perspective of, this is the best I can do today.

I get that what I just said may sound contradictory to what I started saying, that relationships are averages, not addition, but it still holds true. Here’s the thing — the average of me giving my all and you giving your all equals both of us giving our all. This means the relationship is full.

The whole 50–50 thing? I think it’s laziness. It’s not about us giving our all. It’s about us giving the bare minimum and expecting our partner to meet us there. It’s about making sure that we don’t give or do more than they do. And the minute you go down that road, your relationship is pretty much over. Remember, comparison and keeping track are the thief of joy. Ok, I added the ‘keeping track’ part, but it’s true. No relationship can thrive as long as someone is keeping track of who did what and how often. The reality is, we will always put more weight and importance on the things we do in relationships than what our partners do, so it will always be imbalanced and unequal in our eyes. Always.

So what’s the point of this? This is just my opinion, just something I’ve observed and learned from a long-term relationship that ended. If we really want to make a difference in our relationships, we have to first change how we perceive ourselves and our partners in them. Perception frames reality. Give your all, whatever that looks like, and understand that your partner is probably doing the same. And if you don’t think they are, talk to them about it. Maybe I’ll write about my opinions on communication next time!