What I Wish I Knew About Consent
By: Laura Fox
Tags: Sex, Consent, Relationships, This Happened To Me, Feminism

What I Wish I Knew About Consent

Lack of understanding has left me with lasting trauma

Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes on Unsplash

When I was a teenager in the noughties, I was taught many problematic things about consent. This lack of understanding mainly hurt myself, but I also ended up hurting others.

I started to break free from all of these problematic beliefs when I discovered the #MeToo movement. Reading other people’s stories helped me to understand why there were times when I didn’t feel quite right. As I learned more about consent I realised that I had also made others feel “not quite right.”

If it doesn’t feel right that’s because it’s not right

The first time things didn’t feel right was when I was six years old. I was on holiday with my family and we were staying in a caravan. My mom was giving me a wash and my grandfather was watching me. I got upset and didn’t want to be washed in front of him.

“He’s just your grandad” my mom snapped.

This taught me to dismiss my feelings whenever I felt uncomfortable. Later in life, this put me in danger. I doubted my instincts about my boyfriend at the time. I never felt “quite right” about us taking our relationship to a sexual level. He raped me and I even doubted that it was rape. Doubting myself felt so natural at this point.

It’s not a harmless joke if it causes harm

As I got older my grandfather would do more things that made me feel not quite right. I complained that he kept pinching and slapping my backside when I was ten years old.

“He’s just joking. He means no harm.”

The belief was instilled in me that men mean no harm even when their behaviour is harmful. I accepted poor treatment from boys as a teenager. I excused their behaviour as “just joking” and dismissed my reaction as over-sensitive.

A boy in my friendship group started getting “too handsy” with me. Everyone thought it was hilarious. Initially, I suppressed my urge to get upset and forced myself to laugh it off. It was just a joke. He meant no harm.

Except he did. He went from handsy to violent pretty quickly. I realise now he was testing my boundaries. It escalated to the point that I had to involve the police.

My body is my body

I was made to hug and kiss adults as a child. If I didn’t want to, I was forced through manipulation.

“You are upsetting people” “You are so rude” “You’re a horrible girl”

So I let adults grab me and manhandle me into hugs. I let them force kisses on me. I let them pick me up without asking and force me onto their laps.

It’s no surprise that as a teenager I was self-conscious about upsetting people. I was walking home one day and I was wearing my school uniform. An older boy from my school started talking to me. Soon he had his hand up my skirt. My automatic reaction was to push him away. As I started to cry he became offended. I was frightened so I apologised. I apologised in the same way I would to my adult relatives when I pulled away as they tried to kiss or hug me.

If only I had of known my body was my body and no one else’s. If only I had of known that it didn’t matter if I came across as rude when enforcing my boundaries.

I don’t owe anyone sex

I felt this way about a former boyfriend. Even though I wasn’t ready to have sex, I felt like I owed him.

So I tried to let him have sex with me. But I started crying because I really wasn’t ready. He got annoyed and threw the condom in the bin in temper.

He ended our relationship shortly after. I held onto the belief that it was my fault for a long time. When I entered my next relationship, I let my partner have sex with me pretty early on. I wasn’t quite ready but I dismissed my feelings. If I didn’t have sex with him now he would leave me, just like my last boyfriend.

Looking back, I’m heartbroken that I believed this garbage. Nobody owes anyone sex. And nobody has the right to make someone feel like they owe them sex in exchange for basic human respect.

“I don’t know” is not consent

I have written about this in more detail here.

For a long time, I felt confused about my rape. I hadn’t said no. I said I don’t know. But I don’t know isn’t a yes.

What was even more confusing is that we had engaged in foreplay and I had enjoyed it. So why wasn’t I sure about penetrative sex? I decided there was something wrong with me and that it was my fault.

Just because you have been sexual with someone before, it doesn’t mean you are obliged to again. It’s okay to not be ready or not in the mood.

It’s wrong even if someone is of the same gender

I am bisexual. When a girl I knew found out about this, she started flirting with me. I didn’t feel comfortable as I wasn’t interested in her. I put up with the behaviour as I was unsure whether it was reasonable for me to be upset. I’d experienced a lot worse from men. And can women make other women feel uncomfortable?

Of course they can. Anyone can make someone feel sexually uncomfortable. And just because someone is bisexual it doesn’t mean they are a sexual object with zero boundaries.

Men do not want to have sex all of the time

I have taken it personally when my husband hasn’t wanted to have sex with me. I have convinced myself there must be something wrong with me. I’m ugly. I’m fat. He doesn’t love me anymore.

But men are allowed to not want sex. And by reacting in this way, it makes them feel bad for saying no.

The same sort of reaction happens when a man has difficulty getting an erection. As women, we are taught that sex is all the men want. We are taught it to the point where we excuse bad behaviour because “they can’t help it.”

By making it about me, I was not respecting boundaries. Although I have never forced myself on someone, making them feel bad about saying no or not being able to have sex is still an awful thing to do.

It’s okay to change my mind

And it’s okay for other people to change their mind.

It doesn’t matter how long sex has been going on, stop means stop. Whether that is said verbally or through body language.

I’ve felt guilty when I have changed my mind. Sometimes I haven’t been over my past sexual trauma and needed to stop. Sometimes it’s been because it was uncomfortable or hurt. Sometimes I just haven’t been in the mood, and that’s okay.

However, when someone else has changed their mind I have panicked. I’ve become insecure and blamed myself. If I was more attractive they wouldn’t have changed their mind. If I was better at sex we would still be doing it right now.

I am not obliged to be sexually attractive

The reason why I haven’t responded well when a partner hasn’t wanted sex or has changed their mind is that society teaches women to believe it’s our job to be sexually attractive. If someone doesn’t want you, it’s your fault because you are not doing your job properly.

On a darker note, I have accepted inappropriate behaviour from men who haven’t found me sexually attractive. I reasoned with myself that my automatic response was wrong. I shouldn’t be upset. Someone like me should be grateful for the attention.

“You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked ‘female’.” -Erin McKean

You are allowed to set boundaries even if someone doesn’t find you attractive. You still deserve respect even if someone doesn’t find you attractive. You don’t have to convince yourself to be grateful for unwanted sexual advances because you’re unattractive.

Your level of prettiness does not determine your worth.

Learning about consent starts in childhood

Being taught not to trust my instincts about adult men made me doubt myself as an adult. Being taught that I was rude if I didn’t give relatives kisses and hugs made me feel like enforcing boundaries made me a bad person.

I have a daughter of my own now. I cannot bear the thought of her going through anything I have been through. I am going to teach her it’s okay to say no if she doesn’t want a hug. If she tells me she’s uncomfortable around someone, I will believe her. She will never hear me excuse someone’s bad behaviour as a harmless joke.

Our children deserve to grow into adults that trust themselves and understand consent. We cannot change how we were taught in the past. All we can do is ensure we don’t let history repeat itself.