The ART of p̶l̶e̶a̶s̶i̶n̶g̶ not pissing off people
By: Prashansa Kulshrestha
Tags: Social Skills, People, Communication Skills, Interpersonal Skills, Book Review

The ART of p̶l̶e̶a̶s̶i̶n̶g̶ not pissing off people

Ever since I read about conversational skills and body language, the subject of understanding other people and their views has fascinated me more and more.

To comprehend the topic further, I read a few more books oriented towards interpersonal skills. These include How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There by Marshall Goldsmith, Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion by George J. Thompson and Jerry B Jenkins and Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People by Vanessa Van Edwards.

Though all these books seem to address different portions of people skills, they have a lot in common. Thus, it becomes evident that interpersonal skills revolve around a few basic principles.

When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.

- Dale Carnegie (in How to Win Friends and Influence People)

Be lavish in your Praise.

Everyone loves appreciation. In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie clearly mentions that appreciation should be honest and from the heart. Otherwise, it is just insincere flattery that can backfire easily.

Marshall Goldsmith also underlines the importance of appreciation in What got you here won’t get you there by stating that all due credit should be given.

If you really want to tick people off, don’t recognize their contributions. In depriving people of recognition, you are depriving them of closure. And we all need closure in any interpersonal transaction.

- Marshall Goldsmith (in What got you here won’t get you there)

In Verbal Judo, George J. Thompson says that offering specific praises can be used to encourage certain behaviours and it can work like wonders.

Vanessa Van Edwards, who is a behavioural investigator leaps a step further in her book Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People by explaining that everyone has their “appreciation language” (way in which they would like to be appreciated) - 1) Words of Affirmation, 2) Gifts, 3) Physical Touch, 4) Acts of Service and 5) Quality Time.

Asking someone to use their nonnatural appreciation language is like asking someone to write with their nondominant hand — it’s difficult, sloppy, and frequently causes misunderstandings.

- Vanessa Van Edwards (in Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People)

The above seems to be a good explanation of why employees leave a company even after getting a higher salary or position. That’s not just their appreciation language employers! 🤷‍♀

Who died and made you the Critic in Chief?

Criticising someone or their opinions can make you feel powerful but it is actually your worst foe.

As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation

- Hans Selye, noted psychologist

People don’t criticise or blame themselves in any scenario. Even serial killers and terrorists tend to think that what they did wasn’t wrong and is justifiable. Thus, it’s useless to blame someone. Not only are we putting them in a defensive mode, but we are also ruining our relationship with them.

Marshall Goldsmith has found different ways in which criticism is used in What got you here won’t get you there. Destructive or sarcastic comments that we think are funny or witty, passing judgements on opinions or ideas just to be the smartest in the room, adding our two cents everywhere so that we are recognized, explaining things negatively (“Let me explain why that won’t work”), etc. are a few other not-so-subtle ways we tend to criticise. All these start as small and insignificant dialogues but if they end up being a habit or ritual, then beware of the smiling faces in front of you that may be silently praying for you to shut up. 🤷‍♀

Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.

- Dale Carnegie (in How to Win Friends and Influence People)

A scientific study mentioned in How to Win Friends and Influence People states that rewarding for good behaviour enables people to learn faster than punishing for bad behaviour. Thus, leadership and mentoring should be based on appreciating, not criticism.

Respecting others won’t make you small.

The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important.

- Dr John Dewey, noted philosopher

In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Carnegie gave an excellent example of American president Theodore Roosevelt, who made it a point to study the interests of his expected visitors so that he can make a good conversation and make them feel important by taking genuine regard for their interests. If a president can show that level of respect to someone, we all can.

As per Marshall Goldsmith, listening attentively and making them feel like they are the only person in the room works like a charm on people. The reverse, though, has some amplified reverse effects.

People will tolerate all sorts of rudeness, but the inability to pay attention holds a special place in their hearts — perhaps because it’s something all of us should be able to do with ease.

- Marshall Goldsmith (in What got you here won’t get you there)

Goldsmith also states that starting sentences with “No”, “But”, “However”, etc. secretly sends a message to people that “I am right. You are wrong”. There’s no harm in putting forward your views. The ways we do it should not offend others.

In Verbal Judo, George J Thompson came up with five truths that fit all. Four out of those are as follows:

1. All cultures want to be respected and treated with dignity, regardless of the situation. When treated with disrespect, all people want to fight and get revenge.

2. All people would rather be asked than told what to do. To ask is a sign of respect; to tell is often a sign of disrespect.

3. All people want to know why they are being asked or told to do something. Telling people why is another sign of respect…

4. All people would rather have options than threats. Again, offering people a choice of action shows respect and allows people to save personal face. Threats are not only disrespectful, they force people … to resist and fight.

Along with Vanessa’s “Appreciation Language”s, we can also use her “Value Exchange” theory to determine how a person may want to be respected. People have different things that they value and giving them those would be a gesture to show importance. These are:

1) Love — giving affection, acceptance, and likability.

2) Service — giving support, care, and warmth to provide comfort.

3) Status — giving responsibility, praise, and titles to evoke pride.

4) Money — giving coin, currency, or tokens that have been assigned value.

5) Goods — giving tangible products, objects, or materials.

6) Information — giving advice, ideas, and teaching.

Dale shows a simple way of showing respect and importance to someone in his book — take their name more in any conversation.

A person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

- Dale Carnegie (in How to Win Friends and Influence People)

Gratitude and apology are free and unlimited.

Saying thank you and sorry are basic good manners everyone learns in their childhood.

Showing sincere gratitude to others will make them appreciate you and won’t cost you a penny. Saying thank you to compliments, feedback, advice should be a default response.

…when someone does something nice for you, they expect gratitude — and they think less of you for withholding it.

- Marshall Goldsmith (in What got you here won’t get you there)

Refusing to apologise directly translates to an inability to take responsibility for our actions, admit we’re wrong, or recognize how our actions affect others. Goldsmith states that most relationships become to fray when people don’t gather the courage to say sorry.

A good apology ends at “I am sorry. I will do better next time”. No “buts” or any other justifications.

Empathise!

Empathy doesn’t mean to sympathize or approve of the other person. It means to see through their eyes and understand their perspective. The importance of empathy is high in all relationships and conversation skills, even verbal judo, where your prime focus is to deflect aggression.

When you empathise with others, you understand what will appeal to them the most. Now, you can approach them more effectively.

There are times when we want to change someone’s opinions. Using force, threats, abuse, etc. can make you win your point, but that won’t change his opinion.

A man convinced against his will

Is of the same opinion still

- Dale Carnegie (in How to Win Friends and Influence People)

A better way? Understand his views and see if there is something for him to gain from your proposed approach. Empathy often opens stuck doors. 💙

Often when people are angry, they say things that they don’t mean. George J. Thompson, in Verbal Judo, says that addressing the underlying issue or concern instead of reacting to anger or adding fuel to it is a better way to deal with such situations. When you acknowledge the reason for anger, you let the other person know that you are willing to understand.

Empathy can help you understand why “adding too much value or your two cents” is a form of criticism for others. When you add your ideas, you take away the ownership and establish that you are smarter than them.

To understand others better, Vanessa Van Edwards has done a splendid job in explaining the OCEAN matrix that can be used to decode someone’s personality in Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People.

All humans have five basic personality traits:

1) Openness — how someone approaches new ideas. It measures curiosity, creativity and your take on variety and originality.

2) Conscientiousness — how someone gets things done. It measures self-discipline, organization, and reliability.

3) Extroversion — how someone approaches people and social situations.

4) Agreeableness — how someone prefers cooperation. It also measures how empathetic you are.

5) Neuroticism — how someone approaches crucial or worrisome situations. It measures how emotionally reactive you are to situations.

Accept your faults, but don’t enforce them on others.

In What got you here won’t get you there, Marshall Goldsmith has indicated that “an excessive need to be ME” is an annoying and self-destructive habit people have where they think their flaws are justifiable because they are their natural traits. He calls this “misguided loyalty to our true natures”.

Imagine a manager who loses his temper and screams at his subordinates when angry and the excuse he has is “I tend to lose control of my words when I am angry”. Who would like to work with him?

Another similar notion is to cling to the past and blame things on past events or people, rather than owning mistakes. Accepting the past is fine but blaming the past doesn’t let us improve. Moreover, it appears like an excuse.