How to Instantly Create Intimacy With Any Person You Meet
By: May Pang
Tags: Lyft, Introvert, Relationships, Networking, Self

How to Instantly Create Intimacy With Anyone

For most people, the hardest part is how to start. Whether we want to create a familiar community, a friend, or a life partner, most people don’t know how to initiate a connection. So the opportunities pass us by, and we are doomed to the limited social networks of our work and recreational activities — or worse still, the infinite swipes on our phones.

There are thousands of books on how to create romantic intimacy—this isn’t one of them.

This is about how to start a connection and convert any conversation into one where you actually break past the superficial persona of a stranger and discover the real person underneath. It’s about turning the entire world into your community and creating the potential for every person to be your friend.

It turns out, the first step is simply to want to.

Phase 1: Be intentional

Let’s be honest, we’re not always in the mood to interact with people. Sometimes, it takes a little internal pep talk to get us going.

I would often sing the chorus in a song by Zhu called Automatic in my head before I entered a Lyft ride. If you look up the lyrics, you’ll understand why. Doing this set my intentions — it set my mood and how I wanted to show up in that interaction. It reminded me that I wanted to be curious, I wanted to make others feel good, and that I was open. Put yourself in the right mood and be the person someone would want to meet. Have zero expectations and be curious.

This almost never happens without conscious intention. Most of our intimate connections are rife with expectations. Society does not condition us to create random intimacy with strangers, but only with people who fulfill certain roles in our lives — partners, friends, family. These predefined roles also all come with pre-defined expectations. So, we forget to stay curious and allow interactions to play out. Often, the gap between what we expect from them and how they fulfill these roles is what causes the gap in intimacy. People can sense when you have an agenda and it detracts from their ability to open up to you.

So, don’t just talk to the cute guy at your coffee shop (or if you do, do it without expectations) — talk to the old lady who comes in to read every day, talk to the young mother who looks like she could use an adult conversation, talk to the hipster girl drawing in her notebook. You never know who you might meet. I once had a two-hour conversation about concrete and I wasn’t bored for even a second.

Phase 2: Breaking the ice

This is probably the scariest part for most people and the greatest hurdle to overcome. Yes, there will be awkward moments and no, the world will not end. Like exercising a muscle, it also gets much easier over time.

Make eye contact and smile.

That simple? Yes.

Most of us go through our daily lives with unconscious barriers — headphones plugged in that say, “Don’t talk to me”, distant or blank stares that say “I don’t really see you” and more often than not, eyes transfixed on our smartphones that say, “This mindless feed is more interesting than anything or anyone in real life.”

The easiest way to break that first barrier is simply to look up, make eye contact, and smile. Without exception, eye contact is the first point of connection. It’s simple, timeless and extremely underrated. If it’s powerful enough to make you fall in love (as concluded in this famous study over 20 years ago), it’s certainly powerful enough for you to make a friend.

Babies do this all the time and will often hold eye contact with you for a much longer time than adults feel comfortable doing. So, practice with them if it makes you super uncomfortable to start with an adult.

Observe something specific about them then ask a question about it

You smiled, they smiled, now what? One of the easiest ways to open a conversation is to notice something specific about that person and ask a question about it. It can be a book they’re carrying, something they’re wearing, somewhere they’re going, or something they’re looking at.

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In time, you might progress to more intimate openers.

“I love your tattoo, what does it mean?” “You’ve got an interesting look. What’s your heritage?”

I recommend not using the classic opener “How are you?” and I’ll explain more below.

Ask for/offer a favor

Ask for directions, ask for the time, ask for someone to help you reach something, or ask someone to help you hold something for a second. Not only is it a lot less awkward than most other openers, but it’s also actually known to deepen relationships.

There is a famous Benjamin Franklin story of winning over a political rival by asking for a favor, a feat he could not achieve with any amount of kindness. Two of my favorite media on this topic is the 100 days rejection therapy and the Ted Talk called “The Art of Asking” by Amanda Palmer. Watch these if you are skeptical about the magic of asking.

The reverse works as well. You can ask someone who looks lost if they need directions or offer to help a stranger lift something they are struggling with.

Follow up with “feeling” questions versus fact-based questions

After their initial response, it’s best to follow up with a question about how they feel about something instead of a fact-based question.

“Feeling” questions like “What makes you happy?” or “What are you passionate about?” will have a much higher potential of creating intimacy than a fact-based question like “What do you do?”.

If that seems way too awkward in the beginning, ask “What do you love best about <insert city>?”. They will usually fill in the why, and that will give you a pretty good insight into what they love doing.

“My favorite place is this club nearby where a lot of local indie bands play.” “Oh, what kind of music are you passionate about?” “My favorite place is this park that my dad used to take me to all the time.” “Sounds like your dad is an important person in your life.” “My favorite place is the beach. I try and get out and surf as much as I can.” “What is it that you love about surfing?”

Here are a few more examples of some easy “feeling” questions:

“What is your favorite music, book, cuisine, movie, etc.?” “What do you do for fun?” “Tell me about your culture/where you are from” — Though this is fact-based, it is often linked to strong emotions.

The quicker you can drive the conversation into something they love or hate, the better chance you have at creating intimacy. Favorite books and music also tend to have a deep emotional connection for most people and can often be linked to significant life events.

Don’t ask small talk questions

What you don’t talk about is just as important as what you do talk about. I’ve decided that small talk questions are almost designed to kill intimacy. Aside from the fact that they are almost always fact-based, the biggest problem with common small talk questions is that people have standard responses for them so their response is automatic and they are not engaging in this specific conversation with you.

If you meet a pretty girl in a club, she has likely been asked dozens of times that night, “How’s your night going?” or some other variations of “How are you?”

It’s hard to drive a conversation to somewhere different if the response is simply “Pretty good!”

Instead, try asking them something novel. Challenge yourself to ask them a question they might not have been asked that night. It doesn’t have to be something hard. An example could be:

“What’s been your favorite part of your night?” “What was your favorite song from the last set?” “Give me three words that describe your night.”

Phase 3: Connection

Listen. No, really listen.

Listen without trying to formulate a response. Listen without trying to make an impression. Listen to understand their story and what they care about. It’s hard, and anyone who says otherwise is a liar. Most people will reveal things they care about pretty quickly and you should follow their lead. Try making the first three responses you make about the other person and what they just told you.

“Friends are those rare people who ask how we are, and then wait to hear the answer.”― Ed Cunningham

Identify their passion and talk about it

People remember things that create a strong emotional response. They are more likely to engage more deeply with you and remember you if they were talking to you about something they’re passionate about.

If you were listening, you should be able to identify it as most people will pretty quickly reveal their passion. Ask questions about it.

This is my favorite part. Passion is energizing and it’s a joy to listen to. It’ll make your life easier because they can do all the talking but you’ll also find yourself in a more upbeat mood after the conversation.

Be their mirror

Being someone’s mirror means to reflect something meaningful back to them that they may not have been aware of. Typically, it’s to describe more subtle things back to them, to make them see that they are brave, passionate, considerate, determined, etc.

Trying to be a mirror forces you to really pay attention and find something about them you respect. This is a bit of an art but it’s a really powerful thing to do. It says to the person, “Hey, I see you and you are more than you think you are.”

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It may seem disingenuous but it’s not. EVERYONE has something about them that they don’t see. Make them see themselves in a different way.

Make them laugh

If you have a quirky sense of humor, strangers are the best people to be yourself with. They won’t judge and even if they do, it doesn’t matter. So, go ahead, be the sarcastic, funny self you always hear in your own head. They will remember you for it.

Be willing to be vulnerable

Obviously, exercise this one in the right situations and as the conversation calls for. If someone is struggling with loneliness after just moving to a big city, you can express times when you felt the same when you first moved. Having shared emotions or experiences is a very bonding experience.

Phase 4: Conversion

If you’ve successfully made a connection, the next hurdle is to try to continue the relationship outside of the coffee shop, bus or park that you met them at. You may not want to do this with everyone, but here are some tips if you do.

Link the conversation to a location or activity

If someone says they love coffee, ask them what their favorite coffee shop is (location). They will say X coffee shop then you can respond by saying, “Oh, I’ve never been there before! Would you like to go with me?”

If you say, “I love rock climbing” and they have never done that before, you can say, “Oh, I’d be more than happy to take you. I know this great place for beginners.” (activity)

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Listen for opportunities

If someone says, “I’ve always wanted to…”, that’s your cue to say, “That sounds like fun! I’d do that with you if you want.”

If someone tells you about their favorite book/song/movie, that’s your cue to say, “Hey, I’d love to read/hear/watch that. Would you mind texting it to me?”

Just ask

By this point, hopefully, they’ve told you their deepest darkest secrets and you can just come right out and say, “Hey, I’ve really enjoyed this conversation. Can we continue it another day?”

Seriously, the worse they can do is say no and it is literally impossible to die of embarrassment.