Understanding Hopelessness — Perspectives in Mental Pain
By: Mark Everett Kelly
Tags: Depression, Financial, Suicide, Sadness, Death

When 2020 enters the realm of conversation, my immediate thoughts explode in disgust. Looking at the irreparable destruction caused to families, individuals, marriages, relationships, businesses, and trust overall, my already fractured view of society increases.

What goes through the mind of a person dealing with loss? Does that differ from hopelessness? How does that relate to depression? Does that mental process affect the brain and activity?

When dealing with emotions, rational thought evades most of us — at least temporarily (which is why suppressing a series of disappointments leads to resentment). Your body takes notice of your brain’s activity and organizes its course of action, which is why — often unnoticed — our shoulders slouch and posture changes.

Failures, disappointments, a loved one’s death, ending a committed relationship or marriage, and sudden change in financial needs (job loss, bad investment, etc.) all trigger such emotions.

MENTAL PAIN

Any of the aforementioned situations immediately causes the brain to manage the situation. Your body experiences physical pain (chest, stomach, etc. — it varies depending on the person). Unlike physical pain, there is no prosthetic or predictable time-table to manage it.

Immediately your mind jumps to solutions. If those aren’t sustainable or within the realm of reality, the uncomfortable feeling turns into panic. While I don’t HEAR voices, I imagine a word program that writes out each word — words that tell me I’m a failure. I’m an embarrassment. I humiliate everyone that cares about me.

I suffer from OCD. When these feelings occur, I’m impossible to calm down. Situations such as losing a job start to affect other areas of my life. On certain days the pain from those thoughts is inescapable. Despite knowing I won’t find the answer in alcohol, I’ll drink myself to blackout. I don’t like alcohol. In normal circumstances, I don’t drink. The pain is so deep and suffocating, and sometimes that’s the only way I can control making it stop. However, the effect the next day makes it worse.

The need to provide, represent consistency, value, and dependability matters. What kind of a loser fails to provide for himself? If I can’t offer results, how can anyone think I’m worthy of loving? If I can’t pay my bills, how can I accomplish the goals I set for myself? If I can’t achieve my goals, how can I help others?

The fear of the unknown cripples me. Despite my background and belief in Christ, failure to provide answers to why I’m unable to fulfill bare-minimum results makes me vulnerable. These things matter, and as a man of God, I desire to represent them.

Extended thought concerning these matters leads to exaggerated ideas and humiliation. Regardless if you value others’ opinions, you know the world thinks you are a failure. If I’m a failure, then the world certainly is better without me. The only thing I seem to bring others is disappointment, shame, unreliability, stress, sadness, and inability to provide hope. Without realizing it, the ability to exist and effectually offer value washes away like a mighty wave.

Christianity is a powerful tool to quell such feelings. Despite experiencing all of the thoughts mentioned in the previous paragraph, Christ’s promises should sustain me. The verses in the Bible speaking of God’s purpose for our life matters. Why don’t I feel it? Regardless of the limits existing due to my health, I matter to God. Jesus’ death on the cross covers my failures and sins. He paid that price for me.

During these low times, where I struggle to find courage, purpose, and hope, I storm heaven. I’ll often lay face down on the carpet and — this might sound funny, bargain with God. However, extended time without answers covering my hopes to provide and offer the foundation He built within me, I blame myself. God never changes, so it must be me.

I’m sure you can already see the outcome of that line of thought. Instead of finding peace, I double-down on the hopelessness. In addition to failing the few who find me valuable, I’m also failing God.

I’m sure many experience the thought process I’m explaining, especially during these turbulent financial times. I contemplate suicide. The thought of alienating the few who care about me and seeing me at my worst makes me feel I’m an embarrassment to them.

Nothing within me wants to die. Nothing within me wants to give up. Nothing within me wants to fail and let down the ones I love. I long to experience the joy of kissing the woman I love and having her view me as a dependable Man of God that is a source of stability and strength. I long to share my journey of struggle with those experiencing the depths of hopelessness I’m currently experiencing. I believe God can use me.

Due to the health issues I live with from the side effects of radiation and chemotherapy, the most efficient way for me to provide is through writing, speaking, and using the gifts of which God blessed me. I’ve written over 500 articles on sports and society, edited, directed, and provided a voice-over for 200 podcasts, currently publish multiple blogs, and authored a book, “My Scars Tell A Story,” in 2019.

I believe we all have something we can give that others find valuable. I believe hard work and persistence is the way which to achieve the goals we set. I send out resumes, emails, phone calls, and chase people down every day. The rest isn’t up to me, which makes waiting for a consistent answer excruciating, and the time which passes creates more destructive ways I try to stop the pain.

For those of you experiencing job loss, divorce, homelessness, the death of a loved one or pet, losing your house, and falling out with family, every single one of those circumstances occurred in my life in 2020.

I pray all of you looking for answers never quit. Look to your loved ones for support — even if you drive them crazy. If they love you, they will help you find your best self — if you let them.

My prayers and thoughts are with all of you.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Everett Kelly is a former two-time Emmy Award-winning writer/researcher from ESPN, author of “My Scars Tell A Story” (his 30-year battle with cancer), and creator of CKMagicSports.com. Mark retired in 2008 due to the onset of long-term side effects from cancer treatment (chemotherapy, radiation, and bone marrow transplant). This led to Mark’s current health problems (Crohn’s Disease. Lymphedema and Hemochromotosis). To help support Mark in his battle, click on these links (Paypal, and Patreon).