Children of a Narcissistic Parent Suffer Long-Term Psychological Consequences
By: Elan Cassandra
Tags: Parenting, Mental Health, Narcissism, Psychology, Childhood

It wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I began to give concerted thought to what was wrong with my mom. She had always been depressed, sure, but her behavior over the years went so far beyond what a depressive disorder would sufficiently explain.

And so, perhaps unsurprisingly, I’ve gone in search of an explanation — a diagnosis and corresponding label that I could attach to her. Not that she would ever go get a diagnosis herself, but some part of me has thought that if I could settle on one, some weight would somehow be lifted.

Some of the tendencies my mom displays are, well, narcissistic, and so looking at Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) makes sense.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

According to the DSM-5, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, someone with NPD displays “[a] pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:”

“Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).” “Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.” “Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).” “Requires excessive admiration.” “Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations) “Is interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).” “Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.” “Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.” “Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.”

Numbers 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 all sound like my mom, although, I need to emphasize the wording of number 7. She can be empathetic, but she very frequently, as it says, is “unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.”

Confusion and Contradictions for Children of Narcissists

Growing up with a narcissistic parent is difficult and inherently confusing according to psychotherapist Amy Launder, whose article on the subject I found to be a shockingly accurate representation of my experiences both as a child and now as an adult.

Contributing to the confusion the child of a narcissist experiences are the alternating giving and rescinding of affection, unpredictability in terms of the parent’s emotional state, and a lack of separation between the identities of parent and child.

Later on, the adult children of narcissists are likely to confuse love and control, be unclear on boundaries, and have distorted perceptions of their value and their abilities.

One of the biggest things the child of a narcissistic parent will take away from their upbringing is the belief that they are “not enough.”

I’ve certainly seen this to greater and lesser extents within myself and my mother's other children, along with all of the other factors listed above.

However, a damagingly narcissistic parent doesn’t necessarily look or act like a movie villain. Many times, they play the good guy, and sometimes, they even can be the good guy, particularly when interests align.

My mother is a smart, creative, and charismatic person, and she’ll charm the pants off you when she’s at her best. As a child, it felt good being at the center of her attention, and I loved it when it felt as though she and I were a team.

Launder notes that “[n]arcissists aren’t always cruel. They can very often be kind, but this kindness almost always comes with conditions.”

These conditions are often that the child be exactly what the parent wants them to be, and this is an anxiety that the children of narcissists bear from a very young age.

“Generally, narcissistic parents are possessively close to their young children. Their children are seen as an extension of themselves, and become a source of self-esteem for the parent; “look at how perfect my children are, didn’t I do a good job!” The children become a means to gain attention from others.” — Amy Launder

My mom basked in the praise that her children received. She knew that we were the best dancers, the best actors, the best whatever-the-case-might-have-been, and she was thrilled to relay to use and others how she’d heard just this sort of feedback from someone else.

There are even things my brothers and I did or accomplished many years ago — things that received a lot of attention and praise from the parents of our peers or our teachers and coaches — that my mom holds as important and relevant some twenty years later.

Launders notes that when you fit the mold that your narcissistic parent has prescribed for you, then you can expect praise, attention, and expressions of affection.

It’s when you don’t fit that mold that you experience more of the overt unkindness and lack of empathy from the narcissistic parent.

I remember coming back from a summer camp when I was about sixteen, excited about my new friends and the ability to connect with them online. I was also wearing more makeup and doing more swearing than I’d done before.

None of this was acceptable to my mom, and she told me very clearly that she didn’t like the version of me that had returned that fall.

To have a stable life with a narcissistic parent requires meeting their expectations. Don’t rock the boat; it isn’t fun.

“Asserting [the child’s] own feelings or thoughts can lead to problems with the parent that might include anger, tears, or punishment. Through this, the child learns that their feelings and thoughts are unimportant, invalid, and inconsequential, and will often stifle their own feelings in order to keep the peace at home.” — Amy Launder

Differences in opinion were the first source of trouble with my mom when I was small. They were, and to this day are, completely unacceptable, and will result in huffiness from her in the very least.

There was a middle time in my youth when I disagreed with my mom very rarely. I sort of merged with her and took on many of her opinions, likes, and dislikes as my own. Still today, I’m entangling some of those — even small things like whether I really prefer white lights on the Christmas tree, or if I only think I do because that’s what she liked best.

In my teens, I had an increasingly difficult time agreeing with her or feeling happy with her decisions. Still, her happiness was of the utmost importance, if for no other reason than that it made my own life less difficult.

Stepping out of line, even unintentionally, would result in my mom’s yelling and tears and my ongoing feelings of guilt. I had to shut down my own feelings to a certain extent to make it through my last few years with her before I escaped to school on the other side of the continent.

But the one “mistake” could never avoid making was to speak up when I felt she was treating my brothers unfairly. This always resulted in a tidal wave of intensely-expressed feelings on her part followed by punitive pouting.

“Narcissists have trouble handling anything that is perceived as a criticism or penetrates this image that they have cultivated of themselves. When this happens they can become angry, belittle others, have difficulty regulating their emotions, and experience covert feelings of shame, vulnerability, and humiliation.” — Amy Launder

Impact on Decision-Making

Narcissists tend to believe that they are always right, and thus if their child does something that does not align with those beliefs, then the child is doing something wrong. (The same applies to anyone else — it’s the narcissist’s way or the highway.)

If the child is rarely allowed to make their own decisions or is punished for making the “wrong” ones, then it should be no surprise that later, adult children of narcissistic parents have trouble with decision-making.

This was once a major problem in my life. My partner will attest that I have gone so far as to cry over an extensive sundae menu because there were too many options and I didn’t know what to choose. On that occasion, I made him choose for me.

In addition to trouble with indecision, the child, as they grow up, may develop a form of internalized gaslighting that causes them to doubt their feelings, memories, skills, and judgment. Imposter syndrome in the face of success is also very common in these now-adult children.

The Parentified Child

Launders points out that the child of the narcissist will often become a “parentified child.” That is, they will have spent so much of their lives feeling responsible for and taking care of their parents’ feelings, that they will go on to “grow up organizing their life around the happiness of others.”

I wish that wasn’t true of me, but it is. I have an extraordinarily hard time not considering others first and putting their needs above my own. I will go far out of my way to make sure that people are taken care of.

Is some part of that kindness? Of course. But is it also a habit created out of self-preservation? Yes.

It’s been noted that the children of narcissists may be extra tuned into the feelings of those around them and may also be less able to protect themselves from those emotions.

I, at least, am hypersensitive to how others are feeling. I see it, I feel it, and I’ll obsess over it. Usually, I’ll feel a deep need to fix whatever is wrong.

Impact on Love and Attachment

I’ve written previously that I have an insecure attachment style, which Launder notes are typical of the children of narcissists. Because love, as the child learns it, is conditional, the child can never be certain that the love they find later on in life is truly safe.

Ironically, the children of narcissistic parents are high in love and loyalty. They often have difficulty stepping back from the narcissistic parent or creating appropriate boundaries.

It’s taken years for me to step back from my mother, and even though I’m now far from her sphere of influence, it isn’t hard to get sucked back in, particularly in those moments when it feels like we’re on the same side again as we so often were when I was a child.

Even today, I still feel guilty when I know I’ve upset her, even when I know that I’ve done the right thing or when I know she’s been manipulative.

I’ve been aware that she’s been going through a tough time this past year, but I’ve kept my distance for my own emotional health. To engage always ends in some sort of heartbreak.

While I believe that most of her struggles are self-created, I still feel sad. She is, after all, my mom (regardless of the fact that she once sent a letter of abdication).

I used to think my relationship with my mom could possibly change when I got older. I thought the distance would help the relationship. I’ve realized, of course, that I was wrong.

My younger brother still hopes for reconciliation with her — some sort of closure. Even though part of him knows it’s useless, he continues to feel this deep need for his mother to accept him or at least acknowledge the hurt she’s caused.

I get it. It would be nice. But that’s just not how this cookie crumbles.

The Path Forward

Several studies have suggested that adult children of narcissists experience ongoing mental health issues. One study concluded, among other things, that “[t]he total indirect effect of maternal narcissism (via rearing scales) was significant both on depression…and on anxiety…”

Another study which included interviews indicated that “perceived parental narcissism can have a significant impact on adult children’s understanding of their self-esteem in adulthood,” with “parental lack of empathy, grandiosity, tendency to exploit others, and critical or patronizing behaviors” as having the largest impact on “development of a self-concept or identity, essential components of self-esteem.”

Despite experiences of improved self-esteem, nearly all participants…believed they were suffering, and would continue to suffer, from the effects of their parent’s narcissistic traits. Many described needing external support or validation from others to feel competent or worthy, and some reported feeling as if their entire sense of self was based on how “successful” they felt in terms of their physical appearance, social life, or educational or career achievements. — Brittany N. Bach

In my life, having to fight through perceived failure, exploring more of the world, experiencing success in unexpected areas, and getting to see myself through the eyes of others whom I like and respect, have all made a difference when it comes to my self-esteem as an adult.

In terms of dealing with all the effects of a narcissistic parent, Launders believes that there are opportunities to move forward and begin to heal. Recognition and self-education, recounting of experiences, and identifying trauma with the help of a counselor can all be beneficial.

These adults will need to grieve, perhaps go through developmental milestones they may have missed, and come to understand and accept that the narcissistic parent will not change.

My brothers and I are all at different points in this process, but I hope that in time, we’ll all be able to let go of the need for approval, see ourselves as we really are, get through that lingering sadness, and go on to live happy, authentic, and unentangled lives.