7 Ways Abandonment Fears Are Keeping Them Single
By: L.A. Strucke
Tags: Abandonment, Relationships, Singles, Love, Mental Health

7 Ways Abandonment Fears Are Keeping Them Single

How a traumatic childhood affects present relationships

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

You just met an attractive person and you can’t believe they’re single. When you get to know them you find out that they have never had a successful relationship that went the distance. How could somebody so amazing have so much trouble attracting true love?

Once you get to know them you’ll start to see a lot of disturbing signs. They’re filled with insecurity and they don’t want to let you out of their sight. Their moods are up and down like a roller coaster. They’re jealous of everyone you talk to. If you’re not in constant contact they are bombarding your phone with texts wanting to know what happened to you. Why would someone who seems to have it all and should be confident in themselves act so needy and desperate?

They could very well be suffering from abandonment issues from their childhood. Here are 7 ways their abandonment fears are keeping them single.

They’ll have a history of conflicted relationships.

These are the people that dive right into relationships too quickly before they really know a person. In fact, they may never know a person — just the fantasy of what they want them to be.

They’ll fall too quick and too fast. They’ll overgive of themselves or attach themselves to an unavailable person, and put up with bad behavior because they desperately don’t want to lose them. They can’t relax and feel secure. They are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

They will go to great lengths to avoid separation or being rejected. And their clinginess will drive their partner away when they need them the most.

They have difficulty trusting people.

When they were young the worst thing that could happen to anyone, happened to them. Either their parent died, or abandoned the children when they divorced. They were neglected by a sick or selfish parent. They grow up not trusting people because people they loved let them down from an early age. They may have been an outsider at school or mistreated by someone they loved a lot. They are still carrying all this childhood trauma with them and unfortunately, it’s affecting their love life now.

It’s almost like they expect you to leave, so they may subconsciously drive you away, by their moodiness, clinginess, or suspicion of any person you interact with. They always believe you are going to leave them for someone better because they never feel good enough.

It’s almost impossible to achieve intimacy in a relationship when you can’t even trust the other person.

I noticed this pattern in my own relationships. After my father died when I was a child, and then the untimely death of my sister not long after, I became terrified when anyone I loved appeared distant. If I didn’t hear from them, I panicked. I would feel a deep emptiness inside and felt overwhelming sadness when they weren’t around. When the worst happens to you, it feels impossible to trust someone.

They need you to keep telling them you love them.

Deep inside they don’t feel worthy of being loved. According to Psychology Today — when repeatedly abandoned, people grow up with toxic shame. They believe they have no value and aren’t good enough. They will be grateful for the smallest amount of attention, or compliments from you. They desperately need reminding that you love them because they have no self-worth.

If you don’t tell them you love them constantly, they start to panic, thinking the relationship is falling apart. After a while, you will get tired of constantly having to reassure them that you’re not going anywhere.

Unfortunately, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Their needy behavior will only succeed in driving the person they love away. They will realize that they can’t live without their partner. And that puts a lot of pressure on anyone in a relationship.

They will have difficulty with commitment.

They’ll pull away first the second they think you are losing interest. They are feeling tortured inside and they will push you away before you can abandon them. They’ll alternate with wanting too much closeness, and overgiving and then get pushy, angry, and controlling. People often want to control someone when they feel their own life is out of control.

I would always go above and beyond with someone, then feel hurt the second they were being critical of me. I would get angry with them and turn cold. It was a self-protection mechanism that got me nowhere in a relationship. It’s impossible to grow close and intimate with someone when you are constantly hot and cold with them.

They’ll be prone to depression and anxiety.

Because of their intense childhood trauma, they will often be depressed and anxious. Many of them have severe separation anxiety that will disrupt their lives and all their close relationships with people.

My loved ones learned to check in with me constantly so they wouldn’t be subject to my panic episodes when I didn’t hear from them.

They’ll have a pattern of overthinking everything.

They will overthink every moment with their partner. They’ll frequently ask themselves — What did they really mean when they said this to me?

I drove myself and my close friends crazy over-analyzing every interaction with the person I loved. I tried to find meaning in everything we did. I never could relax. I never felt secure.

They’ll stay in a relationship long after the expiration date.

Healthy people will leave if their relationship isn’t working, but the person with a fear of abandonment will put up with all kinds of bad behavior not to lose the person they love.

The thought of being abandoned again will keep them in a relationship that is unhealthy and not working for them. Many people with abandonment issues are codependent with their partner. In their mind being in a difficult relationship is better than being left alone.

If the other person leaves them, they will blame themselves, thinking it was all their fault, just like they felt when they were a child and their parent left. A relationship will push all their trauma buttons from their childhood.

How they can heal and be in a healthy relationship.

Because of their abandonment trauma as a child, they have developed an insecure attachment style. Seeing a professional and working through their traumatic childhood can help them form more secure relationships in the future. Fortunately, some people with this pattern do very well with a patient partner that has a secure attachment style.