September’s Journal, 2001
By: Umm Ismael Muslimah
Tags: Hate Crimes, Muslim Americans, 911 Attacks, American History

A memoir of the impact that 9/11 had on my life and the lives of my American Muslim community.

The First Ten Days

1st — Ishaq likes his new teacher. Some of the same children are in his class as last year, including his best friend Ali. I’m glad that we were able to save enough this summer to cover the tuition. Even with the reduced fees, it’s expensive when Emad won’t pay child support on time.

Had a nice dinner with Laila last night and Ishaq and Ali enjoyed playing together while we talked. She is excited that her brother & his new wife are going to be visiting next month & she has been busy preparing the guest room for them as if it’s a bridal suite. It’s nice to have at least one friend who is also divorced. We’re definitely a minority in this community.

2nd — Monthly pot luck at the mosque. Imam Rashid gave a nice lecture on God’s Compassion & how we should all reflect His compassion in our family life & in our dealings with others. I will have to keep this in mind when dealing with Emad and his attorney. We decided not to start weekend school till the 23rd. I’ll be teaching the second level class again. Same books as last year so that’s one less thing I have to buy.

7th — It’s been a busy week. The renovations on the building next door are giving everyone at work a headache and Betty’s retiring at the end of the month. Since I’m taking over her position, I have a short amount of time to master all of her duties. At least it means a pay raise. Ishaq needs new play shoes, when I get the chance.

9th — Prayer & lecture at the mosque. Ishaq and a few of the other boys got in trouble for running around and being loud. Brother Nimer offered to teach a martial arts class for the boys starting next week- ’cause they “need some discipline.” He forgot that his boy is most likely to be in trouble. Ishaq wants to be in the class, of course. I told him yes, but only if he stays out of trouble.

10th — After school I took Ishaq to get his shoes & we got dinner at the Italian place on Route 1.

September 11th

After both of us threw up repeatedly last night, I called in sick & didn’t send Ishaq to school.

The phone rang way too early. It was mom again. (She just called last night between runs to the bathroom.) “You better turn on your TV. Somebody attacked the World Trade Center,” she said insistently.

I grabbed the remote while balancing the wireless receiver on my shoulder. I saw the explosions and the building collapse and debris and heard the stunned, emotional newscasters estimating the number of dead and trying to remain hopeful that there were some people still alive in the rubble. I was shocked.

“Oh- My- God,” I finally said. “They’re going to blame us for this.”

“Well, I thought you better know,” she said.

“Thanks. I just hope it isn’t Muslims who did it.”

“Me too,” she said. “Good you’re not going in to work today.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

Ishaq came in after I hung up the phone. I guess it woke him up. I told him what happened as carefully as I knew how and let him watch the newscast with me for a while. I was crying, thinking of all the dead and dying and the danger we were now in. Ishaq said, “Don’t cry. You can’t do anything about it.” “I know,” I said, holding him tight, “but this is the day our lives change.”

I know he can’t really understand but I hope that we stay safe, the community stays safe and all the Muslims stay safe. It didn’t take long for the stations to postulate that Osama bin Laden was behind the attacks, though others were advising caution before placing any blame.

The Next Day

12th — I tried not to let Ishaq see how nervous I was when I dropped him off at school. I saw the distinctive look of worry on the face of the Principal, who was standing outside greeting the students. Shahnaz never does that. Later I learned why from one of the other parents. Overnight someone had left a dead pig in front of the main door. Shahnaz came in right after dawn prayer out of concern and was the first one to see it. They say she threw up. I would have too. Some of the brothers from the mosque came and cleaned it up before any students came. They say the male teachers & others were patrolling around the school. I hadn’t seen that, which is a good thing.

At work, Sandra from the reception desk came on her break to see if I was okay. She said, “When you didn’t come in, I was worried. Nobody better bother you, or they’ll have me to deal with.” I didn’t even know Sandra liked me all that much.

The mood was really somber at work. Two colleagues from corporate were in the trade center yesterday morning for a meeting. They’re presumed dead. Many people in our department knew them and their wives personally. Sandra’s sister was evacuated from John Hancock Tower up in Boston. She said everyone was crying and afraid they would be attacked. I don’t think they were ever a target, but I understand the fear.

When I picked up Ishaq from school, the number of mothers hanging out talking was much smaller than usual. They said that a lot of parents weren’t sending their kids till next week and some were thinking of pulling them out. They don’t think it’s safe anymore. Personally, I don’t think there are any absolutely safe spaces anywhere anyhow. All you can do is be cautious and pray for protection. I need to make sure I pray extra every day that we all stay safe.

Aftermath

13th — Everyone with family ties in New York is giving their opinions and is worried about family members they haven’t heard from. The debris is affecting people’s health, especially people with respiratory problems. I wonder about the effect on the firefighters and the others who are helping in the rescue efforts. I wonder if I would have been brave enough to run in there to save someone. I wonder if Ishaq will grow up to be that brave. I turned off the news and we watched a movie instead. At least tomorrow is Friday.

14th — Everyone at work and the moms at school were all kind of quiet. Some tried to talk about happier things. It didn’t work. I just wanted the day over with.

As soon as he got in the car, Ishaq told me that he and the other kids found out about the dead pig. I knew they would eventually.

“How is it our fault?” he asked. “We didn’t do it.”

But how can you explain hate and fear to a child? “Some people are ignorant and just want to blame someone,” I told him.

“But we’re just kids,” he said.

I told him that it isn’t likely to happen again, that the police are patrolling the road now. Yet, I know that won’t prevent further incidents elsewhere. I know it may get worse before it gets better.

At least the planes are flying again. So many people were stranded. I heard there were a lot more car accidents than usual from all the people trying to drive home. This tragedy has tentacles everywhere.

15th — I haven’t gone to the store since Sunday and supplies are running low. I kinda wish I had someone else to go with. All of us hijabis used to go out together when I lived in Denver, 4 or 5 of us at a time. Safety in numbers, they said. Laila’s neighbor offered to go for her, which was sweet. We could have gone together, but she lives too far away for that.

I’ve been to that Stop & Shop hundreds of times but I’ve never had people give me a dirty look or the cashier to be rude before. It was unnerving and a bit surreal. Thankfully Ishaq did not seem to notice.

16th — We went for prayer and the lecture at the mosque today. Apparently several of the children who go to public schools have been called terrorists and beaten up. Some of the women were talking about taking off their hijabs for safety. One of the teenage girls said that her father told her not to wear it to school anymore.

Imam Rashid reminded us that we must hold strong to our faith during this trial and trust in Allah, God Almighty, to protect us. He also said, “We have not done this. Muslims have not done this. Muslims do not kill innocent people.” We had a moment of silence for the victims & their families.

One of the older Pakistani ladies started crying because her nephew has been missing since the attacks and the police went to her sister’s house looking for him. “He’s a good boy. He wouldn’t do anything like that.” I didn’t know what to say but I rubbed her back & promised to pray for him and her sister. I was glad to learn she is staying here with her daughter and son in law. The imam’s wife is planning to visit her later in the week and so are some of the other women.

On the evening news I learned that a Sikh man was shot and killed because some idiot thought he was Muslim. He was shot 5 times. I manage to hold back the tears till I went into the bathroom and ran water so Ishaq wouldn’t hear. Will we, or the Sikh community, ever be safe again?

17th — Work was weird, just like last week. The radio has been playing patriotic music but I hadn’t noticed till today. I’m getting sick of hearing “Proud to be an American.” It’s just depressing since apparently some people don’t think you can be Muslim and a loyal American. There was an opinion piece in the newspaper about that this morning and I guess it’s put me in an off mood.

Our state senator showed up at Ishaq’s school this morning and told them that they were valuable Americans and that he was working to make sure they were safe. He gave an American Flag to the principal. “I don’t feel any safer just because he says so,” Ishaq said later. “Neither do I,” I answered, “but at least he tried.”

The above photo is by Keith Tyler

The Next Week

18th — People keep saying that September 11th was the first time since Pearl Harbor that the U.S. has been attacked directly. Except at Pearl Harbor the target was military, not civilian. That makes this much worse, of course. I asked Mom about Pearl Harbor but she was just a little girl then. Mostly she remembers that her Uncle Rob was wounded at Pearl Harbor and his sister, my great aunt Edith, joined the W.A.C. right after that.

The other way it’s like Pearl Harbor is that everyone is rallying together. Suddenly New Yorkers are supporting each other and putting aside their differences to help each other, either in the clean-up efforts or to lend emotional support to all the people who lost loved ones or don’t even know for sure if they’re alive or not. Seeing all those missing posters is just heartbreaking. People always say how rude New Yorkers are, but I’ve always found them to be kind and friendly on weekends and holidays. It shouldn’t take a tragedy to bring out the best in people on weekdays though.

It really is a beautiful thing how everyone is just American right now (Except the haters). A lot of people have gotten American Flag decals for their cars and they’ve already started selling them everywhere. I told Mom I was going to get one for my car. She says it would be safer. That really isn’t the point, but I guess she’s right. Still, I think driving while wearing a hijab offsets that.

19th — Neither one of us wanted to leave the house this morning, but had no choice. Ishaq was frustrated because he had a test this morning on Surah Al-Inshirah (Comfort) and forgot to study for it last night. Since I know it, we practiced in the car on the way to school.

After I dropped him off, I stopped for coffee. A man in the parking lot shouted at me to go back to my country. I really wanted to shout back “This is my own country. I was born here,” but thought I better stay quiet. This happens every once in a while anyway, but they’ve never sounded so enraged before. It kinda shook me.

During the day I thought about the words of the surah and their promise.

Fa inna ma’al usri yusra. But surely, after hardship comes ease.

Inna ma’al usri yusra. Surely, after hardship comes ease.

I know it is true. No problem or trouble lasts forever; there is a special calm that comes after difficulties. I’m just wondering how long before we get to that blessed point and things become a little more normal. God willing it will be soon.

I bought a flag decal and put it on the back window this evening. Ishaq passed his test.

20th — This evening George “W” Bush gave an amazing speech, much better than I believed him capable of, and more sensible than I expected. He addressed the upsurge in hate crimes indirectly by saying that no one should be singled out because of their ethnic background or religion.

He said, “The enemy of America is not our many Muslim friends; it is not our many Arab friends.”

He described Islam as peaceful and good.

He stated strongly that Al-Qaeda is an extremist group that acts contrary to the teachings of Islam.

The only thing that worries me is the link he made between Al-Qaeda and the Taliban. The Taliban were considered “Freedom Fighters” back when they were fighting the Russians. Now they’re terrorists? Have they changed? Or has our official attitude to them changed? They may be harboring Bin Ladin. I don’t know, but it’s not much of a stretch. I do know that their practice of Islam is really messed up, even for the basics.

I just hope that they have the good sense to give him up, if they are harboring him. Otherwise, I’m afraid we’ll invade and a lot of innocent people will be killed. Afghanis have suffered so much already, between the Russians, their warlords, & their crazy leaders.

Bush ended by saying, “I ask you to live your lives and hug your children.”

I made sure to give Ishaq an extra hug before putting him to sleep.

21st — Laila called very upset because her brother changed his plans and won’t be coming to visit next month. Everyone back home is afraid because of the hate crimes they’ve heard about and advised him against it. They had also heard that a teenage girl had a gun pulled on her at a U.S. airport and was forced to take off her hijab. I heard the same thing, but I wasn’t able to confirm it. I believe it could happen and that’s frightening enough.

I don’t blame them, especially Laila’s new sister-in-law since she’s never traveled outside the country before. Naturally she and her parents are afraid for her safety, but Laila is heartbroken.

I didn’t know what to say. I tried to make her feel better by saying that they’ll be able to come soon, once things calm down. I hope it’s true.

We made plans to go out for lunch tomorrow. I hope she will be able to take her mind off of this, at least for a while.

I remind myself how much worse it is for the people who have lost someone, but tonight that just isn’t helping. At least her brother & sister-in-law are safe where they are. Imagine — being safer in a third-world country than in the United States of America!

22nd — We went to a nice pizza place, not the one on Route 1. Afterwards, we took the kids to a children’s game place, mostly so they could let off steam and we could talk. Not only is her brother not coming, but her parents want her to move back to Jersey. They think it’s safer there since the community is not as spread out. They want her to take a job as a secretary at her uncle’s business until she can get a job nearby in her field. She is comfortable here and likes her job. She likes being independent and doesn’t want them to push her into marrying again. Besides, Ali grew up here, and she still has a good relationship with his other grandparents, her ex-in-laws. I see no reason for her to move unless she decides she wants to.

I hope I can help her get through this time. It’s hard for me to relate to this sort of old-world family problem, since my family is American and it’s always been expected that I be independent as an adult. I’m not sure if her family views her as a child, or if they’re just overly protective.

Ishaq and Ali had a good time since they never get that much time together in school. The teachers seem especially stressed and some are a bit snappy recently. I’m sure they all have problems that we don’t know about.

23rd — Today was the first day of Weekend School classes, even though many families are still afraid to show up at the mosque. We’ve gotten a couple of threats and word of this kind of thing spreads quickly.

Anyway, there were about six children in my level two class. They know the basics but not much else. Parents are always grateful that someone is taking the time to teach our faith to their children. To me, it’s the least I can do for the community. Also Ishaq can learn some Arabic from his classes. I want him to be fluent in Arabic, not like me. I only know enough Arabic for prayers, greetings, and a few expressions of faith. His teacher for Arabic this year is an older American sister who studied Arabic years ago. Mariam is the only person I know right now who understands Classical Arabic and is fluent in English. She wanted to start a class for us sisters one night a week, but several of the brothers were afraid to have their wives alone in the mosque at night. I suggested she wait a month or so before proposing it again or to also propose that the imam give a class on the same night. It didn’t use to be that much of an issue, but I agree that the mosque is no longer the safest place to meet.

24th — Back to school and work. After dropping Ishaq, I decided not to go to my usual place to pick up coffee, just to make sure I avoid the angry screaming guy. I went to the gas station next to work instead. The coffee is just as cheap, and the owner is Arab Christian and especially respectful so I don’t anticipate he will let anyone scream at me. Besides I can get flavored coffee. These days I need flavored coffee.

The Last Week in a Very Long Month

25th — A lot of secret preparations are being made for Betty’s retirement party. She knows it’s coming soon but not any of the details. I’ve been performing most of her duties so I can get used to them and establish some rapport with the vendors that she’s been dealing with.

She told the boss that she’s glad someone competent is taking over. Still I have always had the feeling that she either distrusts or dislikes me. She never talks to me unless she has to. It’s been that way for the four years I’ve been working here, even though I keep trying to initiate conversation.

When we were getting out of the car back home, I waved hello to our elderly neighbor who was in her yard. She looked scared and scurried into her house. I was shocked. She had never acted like that before. I’m afraid she’s listened to some hate filled pundit on the radio or to some evangelical television program. They always look at us Muslims as the enemy.

It’s really sad because I know she’s all alone here. Her only son lives in Florida. I will send Ishaq over with some little gift after a few days.

26th — This afternoon I got a call from the Imam’s wife asking me if I can go with her & some other sisters to the elderly Pakistani lady’s home for condolences at 6:00 tonight. She just got news that her nephew’s body was found in the rubble at the World Trade Center. Apparently he had rushed in to help before the building started to collapse — on his way to work.

He died a hero, trying to save lives, and the police insisted that he was one of the terrorists.

Inna ilahi wa inna ilayhi rajaoon- We belong to Allah and to him we return.

27th — I was too emotionally exhausted to write last night after I got home. I had to bring Ishaq with me and picked up Mariam on the way since she, like a lot of sisters, doesn’t drive. I expected wailing and chaos when we got there, but the sister & her family were calm. I hugged her and she said “It’s just good to know the truth. He died a good death, my nephew.” We were all tearing up. A few of the ladies had brought food for the family and they’ve planned a rotation so that they have food for three days- our tradition. Grieving people don’t eat well when left to their own devices.

Ishaq was unusually quiet on the way home and fell asleep before we arrived. I sense a talk about fairness and social justice coming in the near future.

28th — Today was Betty’s Retirement Party. We managed to surprise her after all & it seems like she enjoyed herself. Sandra & some people from the company archives found pictures of Betty from when she first started working in the secretarial pool. She sort of resembled my cousin Linda. After we all said some words and ate some cake, Betty gave me a big hug and thanked me for doing such a good job with everything. It was my turn to be surprised.

After picking up Ishaq we got dinner at the drive-through & brought it home. Once we got everything set up to eat, I sighed a deep sigh.

“Why?” asked Ishaq.

“I don’t know, I guess because it’s been a long week,” I answered.

He just looked at me and blinked.

“I guess because nothing bad happened today,” I added.

“That sucks.” he said. “You shouldn’t have to be relieved because no one acted stupid with you. I’m sick of it.”

“Things will go back to normal after a while, Habibi.”

“I sure hope so, Ishaq said. “It makes me angry.”

“Like when?” I asked.

“Like yesterday… They should be giving him a metal. He died saving people who hate us.”

“Everybody doesn’t hate us. Only some.”

“But — we — didn’t — do — anything.”

“I know.”

Long pause.

“Will we have to move?” Ishaq asked.

“Huh?”

“I mean to somewhere where there are more Muslims, like Ali might have to.”

“Do you think that would make things better?” I ask.

“Not really,” he said. “But some people say it’s better to go live in a Muslim country.”

“And who said that?” I ask.

“Brother Ayub — and some other people.”

“But this is our country. If people want to go back to their home countries that might make sense, but your grandma & aunts & cousins are all here. Right?”

“Right,” he agreed. “What would we do, move to Ireland?”

Yet as I write this, I wonder- would we be safer? Will it get to the point where we have little choice? How could we just leave our country even then? How could I leave my mom? Other people have done it, with less reason. I think of all the expat writers in the 1920s. They were happy. Would we be happy?

29th — After running errands I wanted coffee and Ishaq wanted hot chocolate, so we stopped at Starbuck’s. When we went to sit down, a middle aged woman looked at my hijab and said loudly, “Why don’t you Muslims ever do anything to stop the terrorists.” I calmly sat our drinks & Ishaq down at a nearby table and turned to face her. “What would you have us do?” I asked quietly.

“Your mosques, your leaders, should denounce the terrorists,” she said.

“We do,” I asserted. “It isn’t ever published in the newspaper. It isn’t considered news. Only when some nut job with an Arabic name does something awful- then it’s news.”

She looked me straight in the eye for a minute and said nothing. Then she said “Like they did with us Jews.”

“Yes, just like that,” I said softly and sadly.

We all quietly finished our drinks and when she left she smiled at Ishaq.

Driving home, Ishaq said “That was kinda cool. She understood what you were saying.”

“Yes, it kinda was.”

I thought about how our communities really needed to support each other better and how their synagogues were just as likely, if not more likely, than our mosques to be desecrated or burnt.

30th — The check from Emad was in the mailbox this morning. He actually mailed it early.

We had a good class today. More people brought their children this week so I have two new girls in my class. They’re cousins.

After classes, we went to Laila’s for lunch. She was really anxious that we come. As soon as the boys went off to play, I asked, “So … What was so important that you couldn’t tell me earlier?”

“I’ve found the solution to not being able to see my brother… but,” she added, “I need your help.”

“What do you need?” I asked. “Of course I’ll do everything I can.”

“During Christmas break I want to go to Pakistan to see my brother, but can Ali stay with you?”

“Of course, but I’ll have to arrange the sitter to watch them both when I’m at work.”

“No problem, I figured that,” she said. “I’ll just give you the extra amount before I leave.”

“That’s fine, but won’t his grandparents be miffed that Ali isn’t staying with them?”

“Nah, they’re going to visit their daughter in Florida.”

“That’s great, but aren’t you scared to travel alone? Nowadays, I mean.”

“Not really. There’s a flight from Boston to Karachi through Abu Dhabi. It should be very safe.”

“Yes, I’ve traveled through there before,” I agreed.

The boys were hollering and jumping up and down after we told them. Ishaq was very excited about the news and Ali was relieved that I had agreed. Laila’s going to call the travel agent tomorrow morning. I was just glad she was feeling happier and more positive. Before we left, she added, “I almost forgot, I told my parents that we are not moving to Jersey.”

“Whoa, way to go!” I exclaimed. “Were they angry?”

“Well, they weren’t happy about it, but since my brother agrees with me, they’re finally backing down.”

I’m really happy for Laila. It looks like my prayers for her were answered.

I just hope my prayers for us will also be answered.

Postscript

One year after 9/11, we held a memorial at the mosque. There was a priest, a minister, and a rabbi there who all gave a short talk on unity and our common values. Our guests loved the food we shared afterwards. It was a somber but pleasant evening. There were a series of open houses at the mosque afterwards.

Unfortunately, hate toward our community and both of us personally continued (and actually escalated). Within five years, Ishaq and I moved to Dubai where I have been teaching English (and writing). I have never regretted it.