What I Do When My Sexual Fantasies Run Dry
By: Yael Wolfe
Tags: Relationships, Love, Sex, Sexuality, Howl By Yael Wolfe

Howl

What I Do When My Sexual Fantasies Run Dry

It’s time for a little inspiration

Photo by Yan from Pexels

Every once in a while, when I’m having a little fun with myself, I realize I’ve run out of good sexual fantasies.

Of course I don’t actually mean “run out,” as in, there’s nothing left in my imagination. I mean I’ve run through the old ones. I’ve run through the new ones. And…I’m bored now.

That’s when you cycle through them all again, trying to focus in on something that might be newly titillating, but no…

Really. I’m all out.

Celebrating my skanky imagination as feminist rebellion

While I have some really sweet, gentle, and sometimes very romantic sexual fantasies, the vast majority are absolutely filthy. I say this somewhat jokingly, but also…it’s true.

I love pushing the limits of my sexual imagination. I’ve previously admitted that one of my all-time favorite fantasies involves stepfather sex (with certain caveats). There’s my over-the-top carnal period sex fantasy. And then there’s the fantasies around breast milk that make me excessively horny.

I like to add on from there. Who just walked into the room and saw us going at it? Oops! Or: Who’d like to join us? Or: What kinds of perversions can we accomplish before ____ comes home?

And…other stuff. Stuff I’ll save for the dark recesses of my primate brain and any future lovers who might happen to share in my personal brand of filth.

Why all the skankiness? Well, come on. Obviously, it’s hot as fuck to imagine doing things you would never do in real life. Breaking taboos. Behaving like an out-of-control animal. Exploring all the dark corners of our sexual imagination and accepting all of it, even as we know some of it just is not appropriate in real life.

I think these pervy fantasies are reflective of our primitive, animal impulses (because we are animals) and there’s nothing wrong with indulging in them in our imaginations or with consensual partners.

I’ve also moved from accepting this part of my sexuality to actively encouraging it as an act of female sexual rebellion.

Yes, women get to like — no, love — sex. Yes, women can allow their sexual imaginations to dive deeply into the darkest of waters. Yes, we can be filthy and dirty and disgusting, just like any other sexual being.

Fishing for new fantasies

When I hit a wall with my fantasies, the only thing to do is revisit them and start focusing on aspects of the stories that I hadn’t much noticed, previously. Perhaps I was focused on a certain act and glossed over what happened before or after. Later, I might imagine that in more detail.

I tend to zero in on little things when I’m elaborating on a fantasy. For instance, an expression. A sensation. The very particular feeling of the way one partner is touching the other (or me, if I’ve inserted myself into the fantasy).

Words are also extremely arousing to me. I’ve mentioned before that one of my sexual partners used to occasionally say, “I want you to come for me,” and this drove me wild in ways that I can barely describe. I think this is one of the sexist things one partner can say to another in bed.

There are actually a lot of explicitly sexual statements that really turn me on in my fantasies. Yet, interestingly, I would not want to hear them (or say them) in real life. They’re just too sexual for real life, I suspect. I’d find it verbal overcompensation.

And yet, in my fantasies…someone can whisper the filthiest shit to me all night long and I’ll lose all control of myself. This is an area I love to explore when I’m looking to take my fantasies to another level.

Seeking inspiration

If you are hitting a wall with your fantasies and need a little help in this area, I’m here for you. Please do not just lie back and go through the motions. Hopefully, you wouldn’t put up with a boring sexual experience, so why put up with boring fantasies?

Go out there and search for some inspiration like the perverted little primate you are:

Movies & TV

I know, I know, you’ve seen a lot of skanky shit, but there’s no way you’ve covered it all. From romantic sexual awakenings to full-on Filth Fests, there’s something for everyone. Some of my favorites: Unfaithful, Atonement, Shakespeare in Love (shut up — you know you found it charming, too!), and any of the X-Men movies (not at all romantic and only faintly sexual, but they give me lots of fantasy fodder thanks to Hugh Jackman, Michael Fassbender, and James McAvoy).

And don’t overlook TV shows, which have gotten pretty steamy over the last 15 years. Try Orange Is the New Black, Outlander, Camelot (my fantasy lover, Eva Green, as the delightfully evil Morgan le Fey), and even Scandal (because Kerry Washington and Tony Goldwyn have unbelievable chemistry and let’s face it — watching Washington kiss anyone is an erotic experience).

Books & Poetry

Personally, I love a book that features one or two stand-out moments that completely intoxicate me with their eroticism — books that make you wait for it. I still remember the moment of epiphany in which Milkman recalled his ex-lover, Hagar, arching above him during sex in Toni Morrison’s Song of Solomon — which was perhaps just one sentence in that entire book, yet one of the sexiest things I’ve ever read. I also loved the one, painfully short sex scene in Uprooted so much that I bought the book and regularly reread it just to indulge in that hot wizard sex.

Then there are the books that take the celebration of sex to a whole new level, like Outlander, a book I don’t even like that much, but admittedly bought for my Kindle just in case I need a little sexual inspiration.

And, of course, you can try some of the classics.

Don’t underestimate poetry as a source of sexual inspiration. You will be undone by Pablo Neruda’s appetite for the female body, by e.e. cumming’s “hurting sexual smell,” for Audre Lorde’s skill with sexual alchemy, and Adrienne Rich’s fixation with nipples that I find oh-so-relatable.

Porn

There’s nothing better for fueling your filthiest fantasies than porn. However, it doesn’t always work well for me, since I feel like I have to trudge through so much content that objectifies women in ways that I find disheartening if not infuriating. But on occasion, I stumble across something suitable early on in my search and let my imagination build upon it.

Female sex writers

Perhaps one of the best ways to fuel your sexual imagination is to read the work of female sex writers. Yes, I very deliberately said female sex writers. Why?

I think it’s extremely healthy for all genders to be exposed to strong women who openly express their sexuality. This is long overdue in our culture.

I think it’s particularly important for men to see women speaking clearly about their sexuality and to see the vast spectrum of female sexual expression. And particularly important for other women to be exposed to this, creating more space in which they, too, can become increasingly comfortable with the practice of expressing their sexuality.

Some of my favorite female sex writers on Medium include: Julia Beaudett, Meaghan Ward, Emma Austin, Holly Bradshaw, Christine Stevens, Mysterious Witt, Stacey Herrera, M. C. Frances, Octavia Morrison, and Beth Singleton. And then of course, my two all-time faves, and the most beautiful, talented women I know: Ena Dahl and Demeter deLune. (This list doesn’t even begin to cover all my favorite female sex writers here on Medium!)

Replenishing my fantasies

Even just writing this got my creative juices flowing again. I started thinking about a fantasy I jokingly call The Milkmaid. Seriously, though…it’s about a milkmaid. And it’s hot. And filthy. There’s literally a roll in the hay. Metal buckets. Lace corsets. Knee socks. Swollen udders.

You get the idea.

How much skankier can I make this fantasy, I wonder? I haven’t thought about it much, lately. Maybe I should try combining it with one of my other favorite fantasies.

Oooooo.

I’ve got a little “research” to do, so I’ll leave you to come up with your own disgusting fantasies.

Enjoy…

Graphic: Yael Wolfe

This article was written for Howl by Yael Wolfe, a weekly column here at Sexography. © Yael Wolfe 2020