How I’m using Writing to Begin a Healing Process
By: Marilyn Flower
Tags: Life Lessons, Mental Health, Writing, Life, Anger

Recently I wrote here about how I use writing to reveal, feel and heal. Well, now I am in the thick of doing exactly that. So, can I write about what’s up for me and at the same time, write about writing about what’s up for me?

Once a month I attend a workshop led by a dear friend I’ll call Cindy. I’ve been attending, along with a core of dedicated others for ten years.

This work/playshop is one of the highlights of my month. I adore Cindy. As a fabulous, self-taught artist she inspires us to take our artistic pursuits more seriously and to set aside precious time for creative play.

Here’s what happened last time.

When I got there, made my coffee and settled in to start, Cindy was upset. With me, it turned out, though I didn’t get that at first. She was upset because we’re not able to start on time. We’re not able to start on time because I am usually late.

Well, we probed that, because she could have started without me, but she wasn’t sure she really could. So she waited — all the time seething while figuring out what to trim from the intro she had prepared, given our late start. Meanwhile, I’m operating off of an informal understanding that we just start once everyone arrives.

Only she never mentioned it out loud — or at least not in a way that it registered that it’s something I need to fix. She doesn’t think she should even have to mention it. Everyone knows we start at ten.

So that’s the scenario.

It helps me to spell it out in as much detail as possible while it is still fresh in my mind. While I am still burning from the shock and hurt.

It makes sense to write as soon as I can get into a space to do so. In this case, it’s a day later. If I’d tried to write last night, it would have been a big mess. And it’s okay either way. I might need to rant and rave and that is healing too.

That rant might look like this:

How dare she come at me with such venom! Especially when she never told me it was a problem for her. Am I supposed to read her mind?

She went on and on and on. The more she spoke, the madder she got. I’ve never seen her like this. It scared me. Even though I was helping her process. Even though I apologized profusely. I explained as best I could since she seemed to need that, without trying to excuse my behavior.

Why did she not say anything if this has gone on for so long and is eating away at her so deeply? Ouch! It hurts and it’s not fair.

How this affected me…

After this discussion, I had a hard time staying present to the art-making. My skin was flushed and my heart was beating fast. I was distracted and unable to think straight.

I only made one piece, whereas I usually make three or four. I wanted to leave early, but I made myself stay.

What buttons got pushed?

This incident reminds me of times as a kid when I was shamed by teachers in front of other kids. Or by my dad at the dinner table during the Vietnam war for wanting peace. My reaction may mean I got triggered even if those memories weren’t conscious yesterday.

And finally, throw some compassion into the mix…

Cindy is under a huge amount of pressure over another issue in her life. She’s let this build-up for a long time so no wonder it came out so strongly. I’m guessing that a lot of what she dumped on me was from what she’s been dumping on herself.

And compassion for me…

I was totally blindsided and caught off guard. It hurts to be spoken to so bluntly and pointedly non-stop for an hour. It’s not fair to me to not tell me and let it build for so long.

So are there some lessons here?

Duh! Make a point of being on time or even early. Communicate when I can’t. Ask if I don’t know. Ask open-ended questions from time to time, like — is this still working for you? How can we make it better? What do you need from us? (Those might have revealed her concerns before they got this blown up.)

Through Cindy’s experience: If something is bothering me as much as this was for her, speak up! Tell my truth and ask for support in the way I need or want it. Don’t assume folks can read my mind or can get it via common sense or “everybody knows.” Factor human differences into the mix.

Where in my life have I been like Cindy — not speaking up and letting stuff build up into a huge resentment? Oh, I get it — which is a clue to the meaning of this for me…In my church work where I am super responsible, but rarely speak up when things bother me. Maybe that’s why this happened — so I can finally get it.

What if anything, do I want to do?

Make a point of being on time or early. Call if I’m late. Give Cindy a call and see how she’s doing, if she doesn’t call me first.

I’ll apologize again and consider sharing how the experience was for me. Consider asking to talk to her with a third person so we can get back on track. It’s too precious a relationship to risk. I know I value it immensely and don’t want to feel this on Jan 4th.

Pray about it. Pray for Cindy, for me, for our relationship, and for the group to succeed. Then turn it all over to God. Let it be. Don’t obsess about it. That never helps. Get help if need be. And take a deep breath.

Writing this helps me release tension in my body and get a deeper perspective. For this reason, I strongly encourage making it a regular practice. While it doesn’t change outer events per se, it’s a way to honor ourselves, our feelings, our experiences. This cracking open of the hard shell of ego is the key to healing.