Finding my dreams in lockdown
By: Ishani Jha
Tags: Lockdown, Dreams, Aspirations

There was point in my life ,as a teenager, when I had no clue of what I was doing or even what I wanted to do. To wake up each day and go about my mundane routine of school, and back to home ,which almost never felt tiering or boring. This went on for about 2 years of my adulthood as well, when I was finally presented with time in a silver platter. I had time to really think, to realize that there are things that make me happy and hobbies I want to finesse. I explored aspects of living my present so perfect, that I don’t end up with regrets when I look back ten years later. I read this book named Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport and it completely changed my perspective of productivity. The most basic need to feel human is to have our autonomy. While I didn’t really want to dwell on the fact that social media rips off our autonomy since I am not a very active user of social media, I did like how this book came as a blessing in disguise when most of the world was lonely. It had points about the importance of solitude for human brain for it to function to its full potential. In solitude I realized that I thought more about people and the time I had spent with them, I actually realized what missing someone actually meant. Time presented itself as the driving force to me so that I could be more productive and give time to myself for exploring those aspects of 20 years of my life, that I probably would have ignored just by complaining about not having enough time. The easiest things to live a happy life is to actually find the real meaning of happiness and happiness being a very subjective emotion, we actually have to spend time with ourselves in order to find our happiness. I want to be a better person and that is where I spent my time during quarantine. I wanted to explore uncomfortable human emotions and feel them, I wanted to feel stronger and more accomplished. Hence I ended up making a routine that could help me get the most of my 24 hours. While doing the tasks I had assigned for myself I stopped texting back to people with whom I was stuck in a text loop. My old self would have felt guilty and scared about losing a text friend but now I understood that a true friend isn’t bound by the limits of texts and the minutes I took to reply back. I did finesse my skills in writing ,poetry ,cooking by taking up the responsibility of making breakfast everyday , singing though that is still a work in progress and my beloved photography. As I was spending time for my self I was observing more, I observed seasons change though it is so abnormal to not notice that but who are we kidding we never have time. I observed trees and leaves and colors that fascinated me and inspired me to write better, to take pictures better and eventually took me to the path of finding my dream . I have tiny bursts of happiness when I take walks around my house now, how I would dread the sun in summer and how I found the cold winter breeze to be calming. Turning 20 was a big deal for me because I had this strong voice in my head telling me to do something better ,to have a dream that could help me scratch things off my bucket list and I felt overwhelmed on my birthday, though its another thing that I ended up sick but I was grateful that I had a voice in me, which keeps telling me not to give up ,not just yet. I found peace and portions of my life that I would have never found, I became more perceptive to people around me and I got to know them better. We all needed this time, not to feel lonely but to be grateful to the sun rise, the rain ,food, shelter and all those mere things we ignored. Happiness is not just in what we get ,it is in how we get it . We all need definite goals and strong dreams to survive , we need a purpose to wake up each day so that tomorrow we wake up to something better. I felt embarrassed to have a confused face every time someone asked what I aspire to be. I am glad I have left that part of me behind. I hope we find time for our thoughts , those thoughts that are labelled as loneliness and anxiety triggers, they are not those things, they are your thoughts which are completely not influenced by someone else, be proud of them and let them teach you once in a while, I am sure we all will start loving each other more and most importantly we will start accepting ourselves for who we are.