A Long but Still Incomplete and Evolving List of Disclaimers to Accompany My Food Photos and Links
By: Marla Rose
Tags: Vegan, Humor, Veganism

As someone who likes getting the word out about new plant-based food options on social media, I have learned the hard way that it’s wise to preface your shares with a litany of disclaimers. A variety of disclaimers that will preemptively reply to every spoken and unspoken question and acknowledge every possible concern. A list of disclaimers to address issues that not even the most neurotic person should have to conjure up even if they had a personal customer service agent at their beck and call. I had no idea the human species was so hair-splitting, fussy and doggedly determined to find something to complain about until the advent of social media.

My reach is mainly to fellow vegans but that has not decreased the number of disclaimers I need to use in any given “Hey, you should check this out” post. As vegans are accustomed to looking at and thinking about food critically, maybe it’s even more likely that this audience will put on their fault-finding goggles with even the most innocuous of food posts. It’s super annoying, though. When did we become a nation of obsessive finger-waggers? Maybe we should save that for the truly messed up things in the world that really deserve our scrutiny and consternation.

That being said, we are a stubbornly flawed species so I have come up with this list of disclaimers that I may use in a preamble to any food post these days. It is by no means complete because we are also a creative and determined species. (Upside?) Feel free to use this as your own list of disclaimers the next time you want to share about some new vegan product or food item and you don’t want a side of migraine with it.

You’re welcome.

A Long but Still Incomplete and Evolving List of Disclaimers to Accompany My Food Photos and Links

No, I don’t know if it’s gluten-free. Probably not.

Yes, I know you can make it yourself.

No, I didn’t notice the sodium count. Is it high? Are you?

Yes, I know you don’t eat “processed foods.” Here’s a cookie. Oops — never mind. I take it back.

No, I didn’t know your neighbor has a nut allergy. Not sure how that is relevant but…

Yes, I am sure it has oil in it. In fact, I’m I wouldn’t be surprised if the oil was injected with oil and then soaked in more oil.

No, I don’t know if it has GMOs but I am fairly certain that even if it’s not organic, it’s not “loaded with GMOs.” I’m no food scientist but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work like that.

Yes, I know you are a minimalist and you’d be happy with just an apple. Maybe this post isn’t for you?

No, I don’t know the sugar source or why they created something sweet when people should just eat fruit anyway and — I think this is actually two disclaimers here. You’re welcome.

Yes, I know you don’t and won’t shop or eat at the place that sells this. Thanks so much. That was really important for me to know, person I will probably never meet in real life.

No, I don’t know if the ink they used on the package is vegan.

Yes, I understand that just the picture gives you a stomachache/toothache/etc. Again, very critical information for me to have.

No, I don’t know if it’s compliant with Keto or a million other random diets. You can always check into this yourself, though. That’s why I provided a link to the website, which you can click on and skim.

Yes, I know you don’t consume caffeine. But…there are other people who do. I know it’s weird to consider that not everything you see on social media is curated to you specifically.

No, I didn’t know that you are now a raw foodist and you only need to sleep for two hours a night. Thanks?

Yes, I know you can make this at home with just some kale, bananas and chia seeds. Go right ahead.

No, I don’t know if it’s free of nightshades. Why would I know this? I like nightshades. I even like the word nightshades. It’s very Morticia Addams’y. Nightshades are your issue, so why are you bothering me with this? Can’t you, you know, research it yourself if it’s an issue? Unless you just for some reason really want me to know that you don’t eat nightshades, which, honestly, I don’t care. I am not here to move units of this food I posted. I do not get a kickback on any level. I am not here to twist your arm, either. I am simply supplying the information. In the meantime, please don’t use this thread to tell me about your various dietary views because, honestly, it’s not my business.

Yes, okay, knock yourself out. You’re going to tell me why this food is all kinds of WRONG anyway, right?

No, I’m not cranky. Why do you ask?

Yes, I understand that we should all be eating joyless, soggy squares of 100 percent post-consumer recycled and unsalted cardboard and wash it down with water from our rain barrels everyday and be happy with it because the occasional pleasure is surely a sign of moral depravity and moral depravity is NOT vegan. Got it.

So that about covers it, right? What’s that?

No, I have no idea if they ship to Canada. God, seriously.

We good?