An Etiquette Guide for Surviving Social Media
By: Robert Turner
Tags: Lighterside, Online, How To, Social Media, Humor

Commenting

This is the one area that is fraught with danger. It’s so important that I’ve included a numbered list below of things to avoid commenting on, ever. If you want to be safe, don’t deviate from this list.

1. Profile photos

Never ever say anything. Click the like button if you must but don’t comment. Especially not if the person has asked a question about their profile photo. That is a trap, don’t go there. No matter what you say, they will warp, twist and distort your best intentions to suit their evil purpose. Their other friends are waiting for the first idiot to make a comment and will then join in on the attack, whilst thanking their lucky stars they didn’t say exactly the same thing. The villagers have pitchforks and you’ve just been outed as the witch. The more followers someone has the more dangerous you should consider them to be. They’re old hands at this. Stay silent.

2. The Bitch

This can be either a man or woman and this is the person who responds to one of your posts with an unpleasant comment, often ending in comments about genitalia, self-pleasuring and the consumption of unpleasant body byproducts. If you’ve been posting about the topics I referenced in posting, then you’ve shot yourself in the foot. The best way to proceed is to delete the post and ban the person who commented. This serves a dual purpose.

By acting first, you maintain the high ground. Removing the post removes the temptation to respond in kind. This is an absolute no-no. Never respond. Not a word. Responding will ruin your day, elevate your blood pressure to new heights and spur you to look for a convenient rafter and a piece of rope. Delete, ban or block and move on. Have a coffee and formulate your next offensive post. You’ve just saved yourself a load of stress and aggravation. The digital world is full of idiots, luckily you can choose who you get to hang out with.

3. The Sad Sack

You’ve seen the posts. Life has no meaning. Their inability to cope with some minor task of the day has rendered their very existence unbearable. Resist the temptation to offer advice. Again feel free to click on the like button to show you’re not a heartless bastard and move on. No advice. Ever. I find the little prayer hands emoji very useful for this situation. It shows you care, even if you don’t.

4. One Upmanship

There will always be someone that is sadder than you and they will feel the need to comment with their story of misery right below yours. Resist the urge to respond. They’ve beaten you. Just accept it and wait for them to post in a few days. That’s the time for payback.

If you respond straight away people will see you as being harsh and uncaring. Your dog may just have died but the other person lost four pets at once in a freak meteor strike. Like I said, they win.

The Digital Mood

No one likes a happy camper online. People who are continuously happy are downers that no one else can identify with. You need to show your flawed personality if you want to connect online. Seeing someone worse off than themselves makes people happy and makes their lot seem that little bit more bearable. You’ve cheered them up. They’re not sure why, but you have. So they follow you, hoping that your misery is not a once-off. You’re allowed brief moments of positive thoughts and happiness but don’t overdo it.

I hope you’ve found this guide helpful and that you can now engage with your audience in a more forthright and convincing manner. In Wonderland, sincerity is everything so lay it on thick and you’ll soon be covered in followers. Celebrate when you hit a thousand by changing your profile photo and asking for comments. You’re the boss now.