The Nuremberg Zipline Fields Co. Would Be Thrilled To Host Your Rally
By: Rory Mcnab
Tags: Humor, Politics, Culture, Elections, Satire

The Nuremberg Zipline Fields Co. Would Be Thrilled To Host Your Rally

But you’ll need to make some concessions

Image created by author

Dear Führer and Reichschancellor,

Thank you for your letter expressing interest in holding your upcoming rally here with us in Nuremberg Zipline Fields Co., Nuremberg’s foremost indoor adventure centre. We commend you for choosing to support a small local business, rather than being lured by the far more capacious outdoor venue nearby, the Nuremberg Zeppelin Fields.

While our small family business has little experience of hosting multi-day rallies for several hundred thousand people, we will do everything we can to facilitate your event. We have no doubt that the lessons learned from hosting a smattering of children’s birthday parties and one corporate away day, will equip us to provide your attendees with one unforgettable rally! After all, we guarantee that even one descent on ‘The Whirlwind’ –Bavaria’s longest indoor zipline (at over 7 feet!) — is enough to put a smile on anyone’s face.

Catering for over half a million people over the course of a “week-long celebration of national socialist ideology” will place tremendous strain on our resident chef, Gertha. However, we have no doubts that she will rise to the challenge! Even if occasional queues form as Gertha struggles to keep up with demand, I’d like to see anyone remain irritated once they’ve tried her heavenly borscht!

On a slight note of caution, we recently had an aviary installed, to help attract visitors. Though the birds are undoubtedly beautiful, unfortunately, contrary to the assurances of the man who sold them to us, their dispositions can at best be described as temperamental. We therefore worry that the birds may become distressed by the noise of so many people moving and ziplining in such a confined space — jack-boots on linoleum, hello!? Should they squawk during any of the planned speeches, we urge you to accept this as part of their nature and not see it as any sort of criticism of you or the Fatherland, both of which I know they are very keen on.

Unlike those damned nearby Nuremberg Zeppelin Fields with their seemingly endless expanses of flat, open land, entirely free of any highly-strung toucans; we here at Nuremberg Zipline Fields Co. — to reiterate, an entirely separate entity — are somewhat more limited in our available space. Given the ambitions of your rally, we have had to commit to some alterations of our venue which we hope will not cause too much disappointment.

Unfortunately, our hugely popular ball-pit and soft-play area will have to be temporarily removed. Even a cursory glance through the testimonials section of our promotional pamphlet will show these to be two of our most popular attractions. However, if we are to have any chance of accommodating some of the larger military vehicles and artillery you hope to have on display, such sacrifices must be made. Arrangements to have the ball-pit reassembled in an alternate venue can be arranged, if you so wish.

What’s more, while we are deeply enamoured with the ideas outlined for the grand finale of the “Ceremony of Light”, we do have one small concern — and yes, you guessed it, it’s to do with the damned birds again. Using over thirty high-powered searchlights to create a tremendous indoor “Wall of Light”, while no doubt providing a majestic visual spectacle unforgettable to all who see it, will also wreak havoc on the sleep-cycles of many of our, predominantly nocturnal, birds of paradise. As an alternative, might we perhaps suggest that all attendants might enjoy receiving a complimentary ‘Nuremberg Zipline Fields Co.’ key-chain instead?

We look forward to your feedback on these matters, and would like to remind you that, seeing as we have already received a sizable deposit and payment up front, it is now far, far too late for you to back out of this booking.

Regards,

The Management of Nuremberg Zipline Fields Co.