11 ‘Fun’ Facebook Mom Group Rules From Admins Who Are Not At All Drunk With Power
By: Alice Gomstyn
Tags: Humor, Satire, Moms, Parenting, Facebook

Image by Mizter_X94 from Pixabay

Hi and thanks for joining “The Awesome Moms of Fairview” group! As you can tell by our banner picture of stock photo models laughing while draping their arms around each other in a totally natural way, you’re going to have an amaaaaaazing time. Just make sure you stick to these easy-peasy guidelines:

1. This is a positive, feel-good group for moms living in Fairview. Please feel free to share inspirational memes and messages, like “Hang in there, kitten!” “Hoes over bros!” and “I’ll cut the bitch who won’t serve wine at playdates.”

2. No mom-shaming! Whether you breastfeed or bottle-feed, send your kids to school or home-school, use a car seat or let your kid hang his head out the window while you’re zooming down the highway at 87 miles per hour, we won’t judge! You do you, Mama!

3. Don’t be a Debbie Downer and post stuff that will put group members in a funk. For instance, kids in cages separated from their parents? Not OK! However, cute puppies in cages about to be adopted? Totally OK!

4. On that note, please no political or, ugh, “woke” posts. If you want to save the whales or stop the planet from becoming a flaming hellscape or whatever, take that self-righteous garbage elsewhere. Also, no one wants your free canvas bags, Lisa. Some of us like our carbon footprints, thankyouverymuch.

5. We want to hear about your hobbies, as long as they’re fun ones! Please tell us all about your favorite true crime podcasts, crochet patterns and skinny margarita recipes! Please do not post about ancient Greek mythology, acrostic poetry, developments in string theory, or coding in Python. The admins have declared those subjects boring AF, ‘k?

6. Fake news welcome! Did a rando website publish a new study saying essential oils cure athlete’s foot, herpes, and brain tumors? Post that shit! Are moms who pound at least four glasses of wine every day scientifically proven to be hotter than moms that don’t? Spread the word! It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, it just needs to make us smile! (Lisa, I swear to God, if you post one more Snopes link, I will strangle you with the strap of one of your stupid bags… haha, JUST KIDDING! LOL LOL LOL LOL)

7. We support momtrepreneurs! Please share information about your MLM business, whether it’s hemp-based nail art or jewelry made of endangered rhino tusks! We encourage all members to host or attend at least one MLM party, and then talk viciously behind the seller’s back about how the party was lame and rhino tusk necklaces are so last year.

8. Please no GoFundMe posts or charity solicitations. We’re always super sad when someone can’t afford insulin — sorry, Lisa! — or had their electricity turned off or went broke trying to sell rhino tusks, but it’s a bummer to keep being reminded that some people are poor. (See also rule #3.)

9. We love holidays and diversity! We encourage members to wish each other a Merry Christmas, a Happy Easter, and a Happy Jewish Candle Day.

10. The admins reserve the right to remove members at any time for any reason, irrespective of whether they adhere to group rules or not. The admins also reserve the right to exclude group members’ children from birthday parties, soccer teams and Fairview school field trips by the powers vested in them by the Fairview PTA. (If little Jody really wanted to go with her class to the petting zoo, maybe her mom shouldn’t have been such a snot-nosed, insulin-dependent, canvas bag-carrying loser.)

11. The admins and their infinite wisdom shall never be questioned. YOU ARE ON SOME THIN FUCKING ICE, LISA.

Thank you so much for reading! Now let’s have some FUN!!