A Love Letter to My Middle School Bullies
By: Christopher Kokoski
Tags: Love, Love Letters, Life, Life Lessons, Bullying

Dear Classmates,

It's been nearly 30 years since we were in middle school together. When I look back, the pain still stings, not as fresh as when it was raw and original, but it stings all the same.

You know who you are and you know what you did. You know how you treated me every single day. You know that what you did was wrong.

I have no idea if you regret it now or not. I don't even know if you realized how deeply you were damaging me back then. What you did hurt me. I felt alone and rejected and worthless.

Most of all, I hated going to school. The fact that I went every day regardless of your treatment is no small miracle. There were many nights when I cried myself to sleep. I didn't understand why you didn't like me, why you wouldn't accept me.

I know that I was a quiet and awkward kid. But beneath all that quietness and all that awkwardness, I was a good person and I just wanted to be friends.

I actually hope that you didn’t know what you were doing. If I’m honest, I kind of hope that you feel bad about it. I think that would make you more human and a better person. But I don't know those things. I don't think I ever will. Some of you were on my Facebook friend list for a while. Only God knows why. None of you ever reached out. None of you ever said you were sorry.

If it wasn’t for my best friend, the other few friends that I had, God, and my English teacher, Mrs. Hampton, I don’t think I would be here today.

I thought about suicide more than once. Back then, I didn't understand what reason I had for living.

I know those were twisted thoughts, heightened by preteen emotion and the anxiety of a transition from middle school to high school. I know that the period between the ages of 10 and 13 is often pivotal for anyone. I’m blessed to have made it through with so few scars.

Still, my life back then was a small-town tragedy.

I think the worst part about it for me is that there just wasn’t any good reason for it. Other than humans being mean to each other.

I sat in your class and you ignored me. I ate lunch with you for two years and you never said one word to me. You laughed when I passed you in the hall, and you whispered cruel things like, “There goes the nerd,” when you saw me in your neighborhood.

I wish I hadn’t overheard you say those words about me. I wish I didn’t listen so well or that I was less observant. Or, at least, more oblivious to your small, daily abuses.

Denial and delusion would have hurt less.

I've done a lot of work on myself in the last 30 years. I grew up, graduated from college, got a real job. I got married, had a couple of kids, moved a few times, got divorced.

I quit my full-time job in 2020 during the COVID-19 quarantine. I’m a full-time freelancer now. I bet you could have guessed that’s where I would end up, based on all the crazy stories I wrote in middle and high school. I bet Mrs. Hampton is proud.

I have my own house and a great relationship with my kids. They are the light of my life. In fact, my daughter just graduated from middle school last year.

I'm so thankful that she didn't have the same experience as I did.

I’m really writing this letter to myself because, well, I’m not sure any of you will ever see it.

But, just in case, I want you to know that I moved on. I want you to know that I understand that kids do stupid things and mean things that maybe later on they regret.

I was mean sometimes, too, and I did more than my fair share of stupid things. I definitely regret all the times I hurt other people. I wonder if you do? If you don't, that's okay too. I forgive you anyway. I forgive you not only for you, but also for me. I forgive you because it frees me from living in the trap of the past.

I forgive you because it releases the pain. I hope that you appreciate it but it's okay if you don't.

I forgive you anyway.

Your middle school classmate,

Christopher