8 Ways to Distract Yourself From Insanity When Your Pregnancy is Overdue
By: Mindy Morgan Avitia
Tags: Humor, Feminism, Motherhood, Pregnancy, Parenting

8 Ways to Distract Yourself From Insanity When Your Pregnancy is Overdue

Finding inner peace when you want your baby to GTFO.

Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

The pressure of labor day can be both physically and mentally daunting for new moms. We’ve spent nearly 10 months planning our lives around our due date only to see it come and go with no apologies or concern.

It’s tough, which is why I’ve put together a quick list of distractions and meditation techniques for overdue moms like myself to get through the rest of this damn pregnancy with some sanity and grace.

1. Eat enough pineapple to burn your tastebuds off

Is pineapple proven to induce labor? No. But is it pleasant to eat in large portions? Also no. But why not try this old wives’ tale? You’ve grown a person inside you for the greater part of a year, so burning tiny cuts and sores into your mouth before labor is probably worth it if it means you’ll get to see your beautiful baby soon, right?

2. Reflect on Your Growing… Humility

Whatever mastermind of the patriarchy turned periods into gross blood-filled weeks and uplifted pregnancy to a delicacy of womanhood deserves a gold medal in straight-up lying.

Instagram is a plethora of beautiful pregnant bumps in forests and problematic guns of pink and blue powder on mountain tops, but that’s all fairy tales and rainbows. Take some time to reflect on the real work of this pregnancy; like being 100% comfortable talking openly with literally anyone about your mucous plug.

And once you’re overdue, you’re not even openly talking about it. You’re excited to see it come out like some gelatinous indicator that this human is one step closer to getting the fuck out.

3. Discharge, queefs, farts, and colostrum, oh my!

If you’re like me, you’ll have this one be the top of the list. “Have sex! Enjoy each other!” So many friends and family members have encouraged my husband and me to have daily sex like we’re first-time lovers in high-school discovering clitoral orgasms for the first time.

And, if you’re overdue and also like me, you’ve tried it. Sex at full-term pregnancy is like the awkwardness of losing your virginity except now, you’re not apologizing for any weird sounds or fluids that may or may not be coming out of your body.

Creativity is key. Lube is required. And a strong, trusting relationship is a prerequisite. Good luck mama.

4. Practice mindfulness by counting the stretch marks on your belly

Take your clothes off and stare at yourself. I know you’ve done it multiple times this pregnancy. At first marveling at your amazing body. Then slowly walking by the mirror like a curious ogre wondering if perhaps you’re somehow even more ogre-ish today.

Embrace your inner ogre. Rip off your shirt in defiance and look at your stretched out belly. Here I was thinking stretch marks are exclusively vertical. My belly has stretch marks pointing in all which ways. I invite you to be present with those marks, see them as arrows to an (unknown) end of heartburn, and loose stools.

5. Channel your inner Danny DeVito

Maybe you’re feeling more like the Penguin than Frank Reynolds, but either way, Mr. DeVito is unapologetic in his stature. And if you’re past 40 weeks pregnant I can bet you’ve mastered the art of the waddle.

For those not pregnant reading, the waddle is a necessary movement strategy that helps us get from Point A to the Bathroom. It helps us feel in control of our separating hips, abs, and crushed bladder.

6. Guess that feeling: poop or pressure?

Probably my favorite game in late-stage pregnancy, and is not recommended to be done unless you’ve Reflected on Your Growing Humility.

Is this poop or is it my baby pushing up against my intestines? The fun part is, there’s no way to actually be safe in knowing without channeling your inner DeVito and waddling to the bathroom to test it out.

While pressure could mean labor is soon, poop has proven to be a more rewarding experience.

7. Prepare for a lifetime of mom guilt and comparison.

Take nesting to the next level and wonder if you have too few pacifiers, diapers, and bottles to even consider yourself a decent mom.

In fact, solidify your upcoming neverending cycle of mom guilt by heading over to social media and following moms who have their social lives completely together.

Pro tip: think of corners of your house where you can artfully crop out the mess of toys, dirty laundry, and chaos so that you position yourself as another glowing mom on social media. You only really need about 2 sq. ft. to do this. You got this mama.

8. Pretend you’re the underfunded USPS

Just like mail-in voting we’re not really sure how our labor and delivery will progress. And if you’re past 40 weeks pregnant you have definitely heard “the baby will come when they are ready.”

Yes, yes. Just like a lost parcel in the USPS system, my baby will eventually make it to my home. There is no woman who has ever been pregnant forever.

So greet your mailperson like they’re your midwife or OB and ask them to confirm with you that they also have no idea when your package — err baby — will be ready.