We Need to Quit Playing Hard-to-Get
By: Amber Carlson
Tags: Relationships, Advice, Life Lessons, Life, Dating

The Antidote to Game-Playing

The antidote to this culture of game-playing is simple, but far from easy: radical honesty.

Radical honesty means expressing our thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires openly, and letting the chips fall where they may. Sometimes, it leads to wonderful things: when my partner first realized that he had feelings for me, he came right out and said it. I knew without a moment’s hesitation that I felt the same, and I told him so.

We wasted no time and played zero games. We have been honest with each other since day one, and it has laid the foundation for an incredibly loving, trusting, rock-solid relationship.

Being so honest with one another means we make ourselves transparent and vulnerable, and potentially open ourselves up to rejection. Which can sting, of course — but in my mind, the pain of a definite rejection is so much better than the long, drawn-out agony of being strung along and never knowing where you stand with someone.

Try this: the next time you are interested in someone, don’t wait a long time before telling them so. Text or call them when you want to. Don’t beat around the bush, leave them hanging, or keep them guessing. Communicate genuinely and from the heart.

Think of these actions as a sorting function. If you freak someone out by texting them back within three hours, that’s not someone you want to invest in a relationship with. That’s someone who has some personal work to do before they’re truly ready to be in a grown-up partnership. Wish them well and move on.

The same goes for someone who’s sending mixed messages or isn’t responding to you at all. If you’re honest and forthright with them and they don’t return the favor, look at what their actions are telling you. If they’re not responding, they’re not ready. Don’t waste time waiting around for these ones.

On the other hand, if your person responds well, it’s not only a sign that they feel the same about you; they are also telling you that they’re emotionally available and ready to be a responsive, communicative partner. These are the type of people who deserve to be in your life.

This type of honesty requires some self-awareness, and it requires us to be basically secure within ourselves. We need to first know what we need and want in order to communicate those things to someone else.

So take some time to get clear on what it is you truly desire from a relationship, and be ready to ask for it — boldly, clearly, and without apology. The worst the other person can do is say no.

To be radically honest with one another, we also need to respect each other. We need to embrace the radical concept that women (as well as men) are inherently and fundamentally worthy. Anyone who does not see us and treat us as such does not deserve our time, energy, or affection. Trust your beautiful, tender heart only to those who treat you with the utmost respect and care.

When we’re clear on who we are and we recognize each other’s fundamental worth, we can treat each other well, openly share our feelings, and vastly expand our capacity to love. Changing the way we love will take nothing less than a revolution on our part. But I know we all have it in us.