God and me.
By: Magdalena Ciniewska
Tags: Christianity, Writing, Life, Faith, Prayer

God was not present at my family home. He was not present in our conversations and in our hearts. He was rarely present in our thoughts. Sometimes we mentioned Him. Unexpectedly. God was for us like the Stranger. Someone from distant and unknown corners of the universe.

At the beginning of my life I live with my parents and my grandfather in small flat.

I do not know what my Grandfather thought about God.

My Grandfather fought in defense of our country during World War II. He fought in the batlle of Monte Cassino. He returned to his family after six years of war. He never talked about war. Thanks to the fact that he survived — my mother grew up in dad’s presence. Thanks to the fact that he survived- I had the opportunity to experience unconditional love. Unfortunately, he died when I was 6 years old.

I do not know what my Father thought about God.

My Father was not a man who liked to confide. He considered himself an atheist. I am convinced that he wanted to believe but he could not find a way to God. My father was a very intelligent man, but he experienced pre-war poverty, lack of father and support. After the war, he was seduced by the idea of socialism. Having such ideals, it was difficult to find a place for God. My father died suddenly when I was 19 years old. The funeral was secular.

I do not know what my Mother thought about God as long as we lived together.

She never talked about Him. She just wanted me to pray every day and go to church on Sunday. I was a good girl. I went to church alone and I was baptized by the age of 6.

I was never in church with my whole family.

I was not very interested in God. I was praying, but I certainly had no relationship with Him. I had one “ religious” dream in my heart. Go to church on Sundays with my parents. Not alone. However, this had nothing to do with faith in their conversion. I just wanted not to stand out. Because this dream did not come true, I stopped thinking about it.

We had a lot of books at home. The Bible too. This was the only unused book. Even the 13-volume encyclopedia exhibited visible signs of frequent reading. And our Bible was like new. I remember that once I tried to read a fragment. I felt as if the meaning of the words was completely covered by a dark curtain. Each word was clearly understandable but the meaning of whole sentences remained hidden.The language seemed alien to me. I have not tried again. For a very long time.

As a teenager, I stopped going to church. My justification was that I am not able to not violate the commandments, so it is better to leave my community than to be a hypocrite. I did not know anything about forgiveness, mercy, and above all, no one told me that God loves me. (It happened many years later)

So I left the church one day and did not come back. I did not love God so nothing kept me in church at all.

I have associated the institutional church with God for a long time. In Poland, the church often was strongly connected with politics. I had previously chosen political groups that was not related with the church. Now I choose those that are related. And I have never been happy with my political choices. This also influenced my perception of the church and God.

God was still far away. God was still a Stranger to me.

I’ve lived without God for about 20 years. Not very happily. I do not know if it’s because I lived without God or because I could not live. I asked myself a lot of questions. But I rarely found answers. That led me to the edge of exhaustion.

Depression reached the phase of not getting up from the couch.

I called to God. Because no one else was around me. Husband at work. Child in kindergarten. And I was on the couch, from which I could not get up. The problem was that nobody saw it. I gathered myself in the morning before everyone fled, and I gathered in myself as everyone came back.

In the meantime — I could not move.

I worked (remotely) and I was not able to go to the computer. I cried all the time. I prayed too. No, it was rather a moan of despair. I went to the specialist for help. I also had the help of a friend who had a relationship with God.

This was just the beginning of improovment.

This was also the beginning of my journey with God.

I met the Christian community. I got to know the intercessory prayer. I played there on the piano, but I still felt out of place.

I also started to read Bible. And in my opinion this changed everything. The dark curtain began to reveal itself and God’s words took on meaning. It was not a sudden change. It was a slow but very deep process of approaching God.

Soon something amazing happened. It was a … to be continued :)