My Thoughts on the Year 2020
Tags: Quarantine, Exploring Gender, Covid 19, Autism, Twitter Hell

(Image by Tite Kubo)

Throughout the Pandemic of Hell

At the start of the pandemic, I unfortunately still had Twitter. Unfortunately, Twitter is infested with toxicity in that along with persisex, allocishetero, abled, and NT dudebro anime fans, it also includes alt-right fascists, Ultraconservatives, and TERFs.

I remember a time where I nearly drank a soup broth raw, and my older sibling was angry at me for being “foolish”, which was understandable since I wasn’t in a good mindset to understand that it was still raw and unsafe to drink and also because I had a sore throat.

I felt ashamed of myself for forgetting to ask and when my older sibling refused to gently guide me. He was also understandably pissed since he was also dealing with his own issues as a lawyer in life and the only thing that he could eat was soup with sweet potato noodles or Dangmyeon in Korean.

He told me to not do it again, so I went to his room and told him that what he said made me feel bad, to which he responded: “Only you can choose how you feel”. I know it is fucked up and ableist, yet there he was doing it, and I angrily and hurtfully whispered: “It will take a long time to love myself”. In reply, he said: “Work on loving yourself.”

This is exactly the type of situation where I have a knee-jerk reaction to Mental and Emotional health advice given by NT people because I know that this shit causes more emotional and mental harm to people who aren’t NT than to anyone else.

I felt hurt, ashamed of myself, and angry at the same time, so I relied on the support of a trusted friend who understood that I meant no harm in this action. The next morning, I became hostile and angry towards my older sibling to the point where I realised how badly I fucked up in terms of my hostile attitudes towards him.

I wasn’t going to keep putting up with his NT BS, along with his internalised misogyny and racism, which is so apparent as he used the n-word to, in his distorted view “playfully”, refer to his friends to sometimes, along with teasing me that he does this., which I absolutely hate

His misogynistic tendencies of disliking feminism for some BS reason along with other things that are really his own problems, he needs to focus on unlearning and diminishing, including him saying the dreaded r-word, along with the words “crazy”, and “stupid”.

However, as he is my brother I still loved him despite his socially unacceptable views, and I felt hurt badly with his opinion of my not learning anything since he had his own biases in his view of me.

Fast forward to August after I have completed my Indigenous Studies course to busy myself with for the summer, which saved my own ass so that I didn’t go ballistic for having to remain at home much longer. My mental health became ruined by fighting with TERFs on Twitter, or as I refer them: “Trans-exclusionary Reactionary Fascists”, since they will never deserve the title of “radical feminists”, and they never will because of how perisex and allocisheteronormative their fauxminism, often referred to as “fake feminism”, is along with how Eurocentric and white it is.

Before I get into this, I will need to explain how the term of TERF was coined. In an excellent Vox article, they related that their origins go back to the late 2000s.

The term was branched out of 1970s radical feminist circles because there needed to be a term that separated trans-inclusive and intersectional radical feminists who see trans women as women and also as female human beings from the fauxminists.

I refer to TERFs rightfully as “fake feminists” or fauxminists since TERFs are basically fascist trade wives who have a sh*t-load of internalised misogyny along with internalised whiteness and perisexism. This discrimination towards people who are born as intersex, over glorifies people who aren’t born intersex. Hence the term perisex/endosex, because the term “dyadic” can have an ableist connotation.

As week the term ”dyadic” even over glorifies the inherently Eurocentric, Christian/Xtian, and white gender and sex binaries that should’ve never existed since those binaries continue to cause more harm.

Cissexism, which is described as: “Discrimination towards people whose sense of gender identity doesn’t align with their designated sex at birth, such as trans, gender-modal, and enby/non-binary individuals”. Cisgender individuals are not subjected to this discrimination as a cisgender individual’s sense of gender identity is aligned with their designated sex at birth.

There are many anti-trans bigoted clowns as they are still upholding the same patriarchal systems that they claim to be against, yet still continuing to be harmful creeps towards women of all intersectionalities, including trans women since they are female individuals.

Along with their being against sex workers for no reason other than their being one of the privileged bourgeoisie, and being xenophobic/racist as hell, I will add. They falsely claim that they’re being “silenced”, and that it is a slur, because that term literally describes those toxic trade-wife wannabes.

Along with the tremendous amount of detrimental harm and deaths their beliefs and actions cause towards many trans women and to many gender-non-conforming cisgender women as well. Their harm also extends toward sapphic individuals, and many people in the MOGAI community who get harmed by TERF-based beliefs that unfortunately exist in the community today.

Hell, exclusionists and gatekeepers are similar to TERFs in the way that they are exclusionary in terms of who is deemed as “passable” – to their standards. TERFs prefer to call themselves “gender critical”. A Discord ex-friend has made a meme, in which it depicts adorable possums that refer to gender-criticals rightfully as eugenicists since they can also be potentially anti-vaccinators or anti-vaxxers, and they’re also ableist as hell, which is another euphemism that is similar to white supremacists or white fascists calling themselves “race realists”.

During the time of when I used to have Twitter, I started to explore my pronouns along with my gender identity, and it went from non-intersex and cisgender lady (I’m cringing at that sorry) to non-intersex and a demigirl (partially identifying as a girl), and demiboy (partially identifying as a boy) to a non-intersex and demigender person and boy.

Since then, I refuse to go back from exploring myself in the future because I am happy with those terms for myself and honestly, f*ck what my in-real-life family thinks of this since I know that I cannot change their conservative and personal beliefs on gender identity because this starts with them.

I’m already doing the hard work for unlearning internalised perisexism, cissexism, heterosexism, and so forth (I’ve already taken the next step by accepting that I will have some days where I feel as if I don’t have the spoons to keep doing more than this, and there will be some days where I feel content with myself for doing the best that I can to unlearn with the number of spoons I have), and honestly, I am fine the way that I am and I don’t need to change myself unlike a certain NT person in my life who thinks otherwise because that has to do with his subjective perception of me, not myself.

I also need to say that this NT society is the one who needs to change their ironic and hypocritical BS since they want to be both ironic and hypocritical in providing their BS versions of “self-love” and “self-growth” as a society that should’ve done better, but decided not to. I’m honestly glad to myself that I started exploring myself because if I didn’t, then I’d be some boring-ass person who isn’t me and I wouldn’t be even me and I’d still be trapped in having to please NT b*stards along with non-intersex and allocishetero clowns who only want me for how I am able to act as “NT’ (gross) to please them.

I have also accepted the fact that it is, and forever a bad idea to even tell my in-real-life family to use my they/them and he/him pronouns because they still want to see what they want to see (me masquerading as a “lady”) since I don’t wish to talk about what happened last times. For example, having an argument with one of my family members while I was being driven to my bodily hair removal appointment, along with two of my family members and one of them not even supporting me and wanting me to not disengage with them while I was feeling hurt (which was a dick move of them, and no I will not mention any names).

Anyways, during one day in August, while not knowing that it was my last day on the hell-site known as Twitter, I fell into a trap (that was used by a self-proclaimed “ally”) that resulted in my getting permanently suspended by it since the “ally” turned out to be a transmisic bigot.

I’ve now realised that I wasn’t at fault for taking the bait (as one of my Discord ex-friends put it when I told faer [said ex-friend went by fae/faer pronouns] about that incident), but it was actually the fault of the fake “ally” who was protected by Twitter since Twitter protects bigots, TERFs, fascists, alt-right clowns, and more.

That incident was detrimental towards my mental and emotional health since I was mentally and emotionally exhausted and in internal agony from Twitter only protecting bigots and TERF clowns.

Fast forward to September, October, November, and December (this month), I’ve had to deal with pointless webinar assignment bullsh*t (as I’ve talked about in detail last time), along with seeing my classmates suffer from the lack of consideration.

I’ve seen from one of my professors (who went by she/her), and she wasn’t even considerate about the technical problems and the personal issues that my friends and peers had to deal with since they’re dealing with family members dying – People, they know in their life, including a professor that another one of my friends disliked for a valid reason.

Her professor got COVID-19 and was also dealing with other sh*t that she didn’t deserve since she is one of the best people to have ever existed. I’m glad to G-d (or Hashem as Jewish people refer to God as, and there is a dash between “G” and “d”) that she is one of the largest parts of my life. I’ll refer to her as C for privacy reasons. So, C, if you’re reading this, I want to let you know that I wouldn’t be able to have the strength to keep going during this sh*t-show of a pandemic without you, and I am thankful that you’re here with me right now.

Fast forward to Hanukkah, I was dealing with an in-group chat conflict, and I was listening to one of my trusted online friends because I understood him and I knew how honest he actually was, unlike one of the admins who turned out to be a toxic TERF (the person goes by it/its pronouns) because he also told me the truth that it didn’t even practise what it preached because it didn’t even check its own biases nor its own internalised misogyny.

I am completely thankful to myself that I made the protective decision (by instinct) to listen to him about it because if I didn’t, I would’ve never been able to live with myself, nor even forgive myself. It was tough because one of my Discord ex-friends betrayed me, and also because fae was completely manipulated and groomed to kiss and lick its boots.