Let me try to explain what it’s like to have ADHD.
By: Sam, Shippo
Tags: Mental Health, Adhd

Let me try to explain what it’s like to have ADHD.

I’m not writing this as a rallying cry for better treatment. No one treats me badly and I never feel discriminated against. Of all the disorders to have, ADHD is one that most people understand. I occasionally have to smile politely (meaning to smile with my mouth and not with my eyes) at the joke about noticing a squirrel, but that’s so light a cross to bear that it’s practically not there at all. I rarely have to explain what my disorder is, so what I’m trying to accomplish with this is to explain in my own words what it’s like.

Imagine you’re a child sitting in a classroom. Now think of your least favourite subject, and imagine a teacher standing at the front of the room explaining it. Your mind starts to wander, and at some point you realize you haven’t really internalized anything the teacher has said. You probably did this even if you didn’t have ADHD. ADHD makes it worse, that’s all. You look at the teacher as intently as you can and for a few seconds it sort of works, but only for a few seconds.

Your mind wanders again, and just like the first time you only realize that after it’s been wandering for a while. You focus on focusing, and when you do that you still somehow don’t retain anything, because all you’re thinking about is how much you need to pay attention. Then class is over, you haven’t retained much, and if you’re lucky you have a few notes between the doodles.

Keep imagining. Most of your classes go like that, but some don’t. You excel in the ones you’re interested in, and not only that, they feel like an oasis in the desert; finally you don’t need to try. For maybe one or two periods each school day you can relax. You graduate with a lack of distinction because (understandably) you can’t just study what you like. Very rarely will anyone call you stupid. “To apply yourself” is the thing they’ll tell you you need, and they’ll be right. If you’re lucky, the thing (or things) you enjoy and can bear to apply yourself to will be profitable. But if not, at least you’ll have a refuge when you come home from the world of Things You’re Expected to Do, so you can give your mind a break.

If you’re able to, maybe you can go to university. Believe it or not, university was infinitely easier for me. With a few exceptions, I only had to study what I wanted to. I’ve finished college and university, and I’ve gotten back papers with big red 90s and 95s in the top right corner, and even a few 98s and 99s. My explanation for the jump in GPA is just that I like writing, and because I like it I’m sort of good at it (even if my organization and structure need work). And because I like it and I’m sort of good at it it’s the thing that takes me no effort; so far I’ve written this in one sitting. If you tried to get me to put the same focus into anything else, I wouldn’t. I’d get up and walk around, or clean my room, or walk into the kitchen and forget what I went in there for.

When I have rules or instructions explained to me I often miss large swathes of them and need them explained again. After living with the disorder for this long, the best explanation I can make in the shortest time is that ADHD is like only being 70% present at all times.

If this doesn’t sound like a drastically life-altering condition, that’s because it isn’t. This isn’t schizophrenia or Down’s syndrome or cancer, it’s just ADHD. I won’t die from it or lash out or lie awake at night unable to sleep, I just can’t pay attention as easily or as often as other people can, and definitely not as much as I’m expected to.

Sometimes when I was young and had to take my medication, I’d be upset that I “wasn’t like the other kids.” Those are the feelings that stay with you, not the “hey, I’m pretty good at this thing I like doing" feelings. Secondary education has a way of constantly reminding a child of their differences from the “standard model”, that hypothetical ideal worker bee of a child that mediocre teachers measure their students against. One of the things I’m most thankful for is that it seems educators are coming to the conclusion that there is no standard model.

This is skirting close to “my condition doesn’t define me" territory, and as much as I hate the phrase and as sick as I am of the defensive false confidence with which I think it’s often stated, I’ve decided it’s an accurate sentiment.

There are parts of having ADHD I like, and for the parts I don’t like I want no concessions or charity, and I need no understanding or awareness raising. ADHD isn’t a reasonable excuse or a reason for pity or a mark of distinction to wear proudly on my chest and silently dare someone to take issue with. No banners or shirts or hashtags or messages of support are necessary for those of us living with this somewhat difficult but manageable disorder. Once we graduate from high school, it gets so much easier.

If there’s anything at all I want, it’s that the people who know me don’t take it personally if I sometimes need something explained more than once or if I sometimes forget things I shouldn’t. It’s not your fault, and if paying attention to you or remembering things you’ve told me is difficult, it’s not because I don’t think you’re interesting. You’re fine, and I’m fine, I’m just not always all there.