Vers Does Not Mean Versus
By: Taylor Portela
Tags: Queer, Identity, Sex

Boy: “So what are you into?”

Me: “(insert list *here* and then:) and I’m vers.”

Boy: “Wait, well what do you like more?”

Me: “Well, it depends on the person, their cock, their ass, and how I’m feeling that day.”

Boy: “How strange; well, you look like a bottom.”

I should have this conversation printed on every t-shirt I wear. Apparently, I was unaware that “vers” really meant versus: you are a top or a bottom. Not both. “Vers” is that word that means you’re hip or edgy in bed, and really it’s still code for top. And if you look like a bottom, well that’s that.

WRONG.

I have and will have and am still talking about what I like to do in bed to potential hookups, lovers, friends, strangers (you) etc. I thought it was quite simple, but it’s not. IF I am wanting to engage in anal sex, the position I take is context-dependent.

Being a bottom is a super vulnerable position. If I’m not that comfortable with the person I’m with, I’m less likely to bottom for physical safety concerns. After there was a murder related to Grindr last fall in my town of Ann Arbor, and after leading a workshop on hooking up and physical safety, I am not in a place where I’m willing to open myself up to (too much) harm. And having my face in a pillow with my ass in the air usually doesn’t allow for quick reaction time in case shit hits the fan.

I have also recently arrived to the bottoming scene, and I am learning more about my body, my prostate, what I like, and how I like it. If someone’s dick is too small or too large for what I know I like, I will most likely be in the mood to top. While a good top can work whatever penis they have, not all tops are good tops. And some experiences I wish I could wipe up with a tissue and throw away. Memories, however, are not like cum.

Similarly, not all butts are good butts. Having grown up in the U.S., butts are still instinctively dirty to me. They poop and fart and I think I should stay away from them. They usually smell like booty (in not a good or bad way) and I’ve been socialized to stay far, far away. Socialized to run screaming or to strap a bottle of Febreeze to my thigh just in case. So if someone’s booty reminds me of the asses I was haunted by as a child, there is no way I’ll approach it. . . . But they can approach mine . . . .

And then sometimes I eat way too many beans. Sometimes I eat three bananas in a day. Sometimes I get too excited with the fiber bran muffins. Sometimes I get too ravenous with the meat—the recently non-vegetarian in me gets a little wild around new types of meat (pun intended). Sometimes I’m nervous or anxious and have diarrhea. Sometimes I am having a good bum day. Sometimes I’m having a bad bum day. My butt is the more variable component in the dick-ass equation and so some days I feel more like bottoming or topping or not engaging in anal based on this.

But I also don’t just have sex for me. I have myself for that. So if I’m going to physically engage another person in sex, I like to know what they like. If they like something a lot (say, bottoming), I can get off on that and assume the appropriate role (say, top). For me the sex I have would get boring if I did the same thing every time. Mixing it up, trying new things, and changing old habits spice up sex, and I like Sriracha on everything: let me feel the burn.

Even this is too basic of a conversation for me. Sometimes, and quite often, I want to fuck someone and then be fucked by them. I don’t know when or how me saying that I’m “vers” meant that I was referring to a dichotomy, but I do not approve! For me, being vers is being versatile. I can top, I can bottom, I can neither, I can both, I can do other things.

I’m queer for a reason and it’s not to reproduce over and over how straight people have sex. I’m not here to reproduce normative sex. I am not one for strict categories. The moment when “vers” turns into “top” and “queer” turns into “gay” turns into “straight,” I know that my penis and ass have imploded into an oblivion of angst.

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