The Myth of Bisexual (and “Straight-Passing”) Privilege
By: Kravitz M.
Tags: LGBTQ, Queer, Bisexual, Social Justice, Kravitz M

The Myth of Bisexual (and “Straight-Passing”) Privilege

Contrary to popular belief, we really don’t have it easier

Source: iStock

While biphobia undoubtedly overlaps with homophobia, quite a few gay people brush it off or insist it isn’t real. To them, biphobia is nothing more than homophobia that bisexuals “just so happen to” experience. Others insist that bisexuals hold privilege over them or generally have less to deal with. Now, do these claims have any basis, or do they merely assume that our different-gender attraction would soften the consequences of our same-gender attraction?

I’d have to go with the latter.

Biphobia: More Than Just “Negative Attitudes”

While bisexuals arguably make up half of the LGBTQ community, our erasure is rampant. Biphobia creeps into nearly every part of our lives. Compared to straight and gay people, we have glaringly higher rates of employment discrimination, poverty, difficulty seeking immigration relief, and mental health disparities. We’re much more likely to be victims of rape, stalking, domestic violence, poverty, and unemployment. We’re most likely to be closeted (especially when seeking medical care) and suicidal. Bisexual teens are at the highest risk for bullying, truancy, and suicide. Wherever there are numbers, there’s virtually always a significant spike or drop for us. These statistics remain just as devastating as we age.

(Before anyone goes, “well, there are just more bi people, so of course rates are higher,” rates are proportions and thus automatically adjusted for population. They are relative to, not dependent on, the sample size. You can find how statistics are gathered in the reports’ methodology. All studies behind paywalls can be freely accessed via Sci-Hub. Many more studies and reports will be listed at the end.)

People reduce our sexuality to our current partners, so we’re never “truly” bisexual — we’re either in gay relationships or straight relationships, and we’re deemed prone to “switching to the other team” no matter who we date. A 2013 study conducted by Indiana University and the University of Pittsburgh found that 15% of people refused to accept bisexuality as a “legitimate sexual orientation.” Straight people have been sometimes reported to hate us more than virtually any other group of people, not even just sexual minorities. This is especially true for bisexual men, who most refuse to believe even exist. In an article from Anything That Moves, a bisexual woman recounts going to Pride with her family and husband, wearing a queer pride shirt, and getting tear-gassed.

We get flak from both gay and straight people, very often for the same reasons — they think we’ll give them STDs, they distrust us, they think we’re indecisive attention seekers, they disbelieve our very existence — and these sentiments are horrifically prevalent.

Combined with homophobia we already experience from the straight world, gay people often accuse us of “appropriating” gayness and invading LGBTQ spaces. When they aren’t side-eyeing our different-gender attraction, they insist we’re merely in the closet. They paint us as privileged oppressors even though we’re more likely to be transgender, disabled, or people of color. The judgment we face within the LGBTQ community is just as real as the subjugation we receive outside of it. Historically, bisexuals were often banned from gay/LGBTQ events and deemed “parasites.”

Our label often shows up in organization names or mission statements without offering specific programs for us. Only 3–20% of people accessing LGBTQ services are bisexual. Only 7% of board members on LGBTQ organization boards identify as bisexual, but 59% are gay. Again, we’re the largest group in the community. Bigots arguably make sure to include us in their legal discrimination more often than many LGBTQ organizations acknowledge us in their spaces and activism. The battle simply for bisexual inclusion in the LGBTQ community has been uphill and decades-long, and even today, there exists the phenomenon of discussing the “gay, lesbian, and transgender” (LGT) community.

Not to mention the insane lack of funding for us. In 2018, $5,571,635 grant dollars were given to lesbian/queer women, and another $16,189,461 went towards gay/queer men. Transgender folks got $33,987,723. Do you how much money was reserved specifically for bisexual people and organizations? $226,978. That is 4% of the lesbian/queer women budget, 1.4% of the gay/queer men budget, and 0.6% of the transgender budget. While bisexuals are in desperate need of specific resources, most LGBTQ organizations don’t provide such content. We received zero funding two years in a row.

But sure, we definitely have the upper hand.

On “Straight-Passing”

This is the most infamous accusation thrown at bisexuals: that we, by having the potential to enter relationships with our opposite gender, are able to “opt-out” of a subordinate societal position and join the straight world as their equals. Since we allegedly “don’t have to fear being harassed on the street” (ignoring the fact that street harassment is only one of the myriad of ways LGBTQ people are discriminated against and attacked), not only do we apparently have societal benefits inaccessible to gay people, but our oppression is our fault — or nonexistent.

As most know,‌ “passing”‌ ‌refers‌ ‌to‌ ‌the‌ ‌ability‌ ‌of‌ ‌a‌ person‌ ‌of‌ ‌one‌ ‌identity‌ ‌category‌‌ ‌to‌ ‌adopt‌ ‌the‌ ‌guise‌ ‌of‌ another.‌ ‌The‌ ‌most‌ well-known‌ ‌example‌ ‌is‌ ‌when‌ light-skinned ‌people‌ ‌of‌ ‌color‌ ‌with‌ ‌less‌ ‌prominent‌ ethnic‌ facial‌ ‌features‌ ‌occasionally‌ “pass”‌ ‌as‌ ‌white.‌ White-passing people of color‌ ‌gain‌ ‌access‌ ‌to‌ ‌freedoms‌ ‌and‌ ‌increased‌ ‌esteem‌ ‌that‌ others can’t. So some people read about this concept, see bisexuals in different-gender relationships, and reason to themselves, “that bisexual can be mistaken for straight, so they have straight-passing privilege.”

This conclusion, however, is overly simplistic — especially considering that comparing sexuality issues to racial ones will virtually never be accurate.

White-passing privilege is a unique phenomenon dependent on physical characteristics and the location of the white-passing person. When in an area where they benefit, the benefits rarely go away when the white-passing person in question reveals that they’re nonwhite. Whenever it does, they still reap the societal benefits of colorism.

On the other hand, “straight-passing privilege” via being in a man/woman relationship (more accurately, being in what appears to be a man/woman relationship) is dependent not only on appearance but on other people and our behavior — namely, keeping our orientation to ourselves and appearing heterosexual as a couple. We must hide ourselves to avoid homophobic and biphobic violence. (Surprise, we experience biphobia even when we “pass” for straight!) If bisexuals were truly accepted and privileged in man/woman relationships, why would we have to pretend to be straight? Maybe because bisexual people are not accepted in society no matter who they date.

This “privilege” only lasts as long as we remain closeted — and remain to hide our previous same-gender relationships, and don’t own any pride merch, and don’t have rumors spread about our sexuality (which usually requires avoiding LGBTQ communities and events altogether and even hiding our support for LGBTQ rights — even allyship can be incriminating or a sign that you aren’t a cisgender heterosexual). Having to hide to such an extent — as almost every person who’s ever been closeted knows — is mentally draining. Being in a man/woman relationship won’t save us if we out ourselves; in fact, it will only make things worse.

People apply this privilege concept to any bisexual in a man/woman relationship while ignoring factors that might make onlookers believe we’re not straight. Even if we’re publicly in a man/woman relationship and closeted, quite a few of us are gender-nonconforming in ways that will still subject us to homo/biphobia. Many bisexual and straight transgender people never pass for straight in a man/woman relationship because we don’t pass for cisgender. In that same vein, some same-gender relationships appear straight to passersby. Are those couples privileged?

Not to mention, we can apply this “straight-passing privilege” concept to literally every LGBTQ person. Society assumes everyone is straight by default — one of the facets of heteronormativity — unless some sign (gender-nonconformity, pride merch, a relationship that “looks” like a same-gender one) points otherwise. If we can “look straight” to avoid violence, so can gay people.

Ergo, if bisexuals in man/woman-appearing relationships have straight-passing privilege, then so do all closeted gay people, gender-conforming gay people (if orientation is not public), gay people who aren’t interested in relationships, and even gay people in same-gender relationships who don’t engage in public displays of affection or announce their relationship status to strangers.

Yet, we recognize that these gay people do not reach an elevated societal position just for blending into the straight world. Why? Because having to hide who you are for safety is not, and will never be, an advantage. The notion of passing privilege for LGBTQ people is disparaging and absolutely absurd.

People need to stop trying to force the oppression of bisexuals through a strict relationship lens. Same-gender-attracted people aren’t institutionally mistreated just for being in same-gender relationships — all we need to do is have same-gender attraction for society to consider us menaces. Any additional exhibition of this attraction is auxiliary.

“But not fearing violence while holding hands down the street is a privilege!”

The idea that it’s somehow a societal privilege to simply not fear getting beaten or killed for holding hands with your partner is almost inexplicably nonsensical.

This is only exacerbated by the fact that it’s always framed in the context of sexuality. This thought process acts as if the only way someone would be put in danger is if their partner was the same gender as them; as if straight transgender people and black or gender-nonconforming cisgender heterosexuals would never theoretically fear violence, dating or not; as if women’s sexuality is taken seriously enough where passersby would automatically assume two women holding hands were together rather than just “the best of gal pals”; as if gay people even inherently have this fear of violence.

I’ve engaged in public displays of affection plenty of times with one of my exes. We are two black transgender men (at the time of our relationship, we were both gay) who looked like a butch-femme couple together (a stranger once called us lesbians before I clarified we were both men). Neither of us ever feared getting hit or shot or whatever just for kissing or linking arms in public. Why?

Because we just don’t live in an area where murders commonly happen in broad daylight. Our neighborhoods aren’t openly homophobic. Nobody batted an eye when we did these things. Even if this made us privileged (and perhaps we are privileged for living in a metropolitan area!), it wouldn’t be a matter of sexuality, but of location. That’s an entirely different issue.

“But bis can choose to only have different-gender relationships!”

This “counterargument” is nothing short of victim-blaming that comes down to pressuring us to pick a side. Sure, I could only date women (and let’s assume that we’d be read as a gender-conforming man/woman couple), but that what if I don’t want to? Why should I have to? What if I want a boyfriend? Am I just supposed to refuse all men I may be interested in to avoid homophobia (that I’ll still experience for being bisexual regardless of my relationship status because people assume bisexual men are just gay — I might even receive it from my hypothetical girlfriends, even if they’re also bisexual)? Would it be any better than receiving biphobia from boyfriends?

How fair is it to expect bisexuals to arbitrarily limit our dating pool? To shun an entire part of our identity (essentially going back in the closet)? For what? Bisexuality is a whole identity, and we reserve the right to fully experience it. Also, as mentioned before, being in different-gender relationships doesn’t spare anyone from homophobic violence or even automatically allow them to “pass” for straight, even if they are straight.

Not to mention, gay people “choose” this too. They’ve been (and still are) marrying into different-gender relationships to avoid homophobia since forever. Many spend their entire lives closeted and emotionally unfulfilled. They shouldn’t have to go through that, either. Gay people can also “choose” to never enter relationships at all, but again, that’s a cruel demand. We should all have the freedom to love who we love.

“People wish I was bi instead of gay!”

Some gay people insist that we have privilege over them because some people either questioned if they were “actually bisexual” or said it would’ve been preferred if they were bisexual instead. While this is hurtful and homophobic, I have two questions if these things have happened to you.

What’s their reasoning? If the person in question just wanted a threesome or a shot with you, then congratulations — they’re either a biphobe or disrespectful of boundaries. What’s your point? People wish we were gay or straight all the time.

I was discussing this argument with some bisexual acquaintances, and they had this to say:

Shan, 19

I remember my mom always telling me when I was little, “if you’re gay, remember I’ll still love you, it won’t change anything.” I came out to my parents as bisexual and they said, “you can’t be bi, that’s not real,” and then we never talked about it again. I would’ve rather had to come out as gay — at least my mom wouldn’t have asked me invasive questions about my dating history and sexual thoughts. Not that that doesn’t happen to gay people, but bi people gotta walk an extra mile to prove ourselves. My cishet friends were more accepting of my sexuality than my lesbian friends. That hurt. I thought I’d have more solidarity with them, but I didn’t.

Ty, 21

When I came out, my parents told me I wasn’t bi because I was dating my boyfriend. They contributed to my internalized biphobia so much I picked up a new label for years. When bi people come out, biphobia is often experienced through people trying to play mind games with you. Sure, many people will just hate you, but others will try and convince you that you’re something else or that you’re crazy. Biphobia is unique in the fact that some people eventually “come around” and accept us after their initial reaction is confusion and trying to change our minds. It leaves us in an odd situation where we’re friendly with people who only a few years or even just months back were trying to dictate who we were because bisexuality was so unbelievable to them.

Al, 21

When I came out to my mother and her girlfriend — they’re both lesbians — both of them were like, “bisexuality isn’t real, and you’re too young to know.” And then years later when I came out again, my mom acted like she had no idea.

Amy, 23

My mum was devastated when I came out as bi. [Parents who wish their gay children were bi] are doing that thing where they’d rather their kid was bi so they can force them to only date men. I’ve seen it happen where parents will be like, “it’s okay if you’re bi, but only if u never act on your same-gender attraction.” My mum hoped that I’d never date a girl. She automatically assumed my bisexuality was purely sexual and said some really fucked up stuff when I came out. She didn’t talk to me for weeks and threatened to kick me out.

The notion that coming out as bisexual is any easier than coming out as gay has little basis. Neither is desirable. Not to mention, coming out is a purely individual experience, the outcomes depending largely on who they’re coming out to. Ultimately, this “counterargument” proves nothing beyond “people are still homophobic.”

There’s this pervasive notion that, if a bigot directs violence towards a same-gender couple, said violence would consistently be lessened if the bigot found out the individuals were bisexual rather than gay. To that, I’d like to bring up this quote from Sean Rehang’s 2008 paper, “Patrolling the Borders of Sexual Orientation: Bisexual Refugee Claims in Canada”:

Monosexism may sometimes be so serious as to raise the level of persecution. A good example can be found in the only published refugee decision where an explicitly bisexual claimant succeeded in obtaining refugee status in Canada. In Re B.D.K., the claimant, who identified himself as a bisexual male transvestite who preferred men, was subject to police brutality after coming to the assistance of several other transvestites being attacked by the Mexican police. When the police learned that the claimant had a wife and child they doubled their assaults and other brutality. In other words, after being brutalized for violating gender norms and heteronormativity, the claimant was then subject to further persecution for violating the norm of monosexuality.

Sure, there are times where someone would rather a person be bisexual than gay if they had to choose between those two options. Other times, however, our different-gender attraction just makes things worse. Even if it didn’t, we must question whether — out of all the sexualities a gay person in question could be “instead” — bisexuality is truly preferred by homophobes.

Some may wish that a gay person was (also) attracted to the opposite gender rather than only attracted to the same, but no homophobe truly wants a gay person to be bisexual (with the exception, perhaps, of those who fetishize bisexuality). If that were true, they’d accept that person still being attracted to — and possibly in relationships with — the same gender. This isn’t the case, though, because the main problem homophobes have with gay and bisexual people is the fact that we like (and sometimes date or sleep with) the same gender. Ideally, to them, we would be straight; they just hope we’ll eventually “get over our phase” and just date and settle down with the opposite gender.

No homophobe isn’t also biphobic.

Final Words

Biphobia is not merely homophobia with a dash of salt. It isn’t just people saying we’re “really straight/gay” or calling us sluts. Biphobia kills us, and when it’s not doing that, it’s endangering our lives. It’s astounding how thousands upon thousands of bisexuals can provide heaps of statistics, personal experiences, articles, essays, reports, surveys, and other studies concerning biphobia, and still be accused of lying. If we truly benefitted from our bisexuality, don’t you think more of us would be out of the closet and far fewer of us would be suffering the way we do?

It may be difficult to grasp, but we aren’t all just in on a collective conspiracy campaign. This isn’t a matter of “wanting to be oppressed” — we are. I would love it if we weren’t — it would be wonderful if nobody was discriminated against for their sexuality, which is why bisexuals have been fighting for (and sometimes even creating) “gay” rights movements since the beginning. All we want is for the reality of our oppression to finally be recognized.