10’000 Words On How To Find Meaning In Life (Spoiler: It Ends In Tears)
By: Henry Clark
Tags: Nihilism, Purpose, Personal Development, Change, Fulfilment

The following essay contains clues on how to find happiness, fulfilment and meaning, which in some sense saved my own life. The lessons inside explain how to generally experience more positive emotions — they CURED my nihilism. Consequently, for the first time in my life, I actively WANT to live the journey of life. If you feel your life is meaningless and purposeless, then please keep reading.

I never expected to write an essay by choice outside of school or university. But here we are. I genuinely sensed these lessons to be of such burning importance, that I voluntarily sat down to write 22 pages on Word, with single spacing. I believe those individuals who grasp these clues on how to find meaning, will be the ones who live tremendous lives and produce the greatest impact on civilisation. These lessons might normally take years, or even a lifetime to learn, as they play an often overlooked, but deeply profound part in human existence. My goal in this essay is to help you significantly shorten that timeframe. Hence, I have boiled every step of the process down to its core. Every lesson will build on the last and take you deeper into the reality of your life. If you take your time to digest every coming idea, it might only take 10'000 words, rather than a lifetime, to begin finding true meaning.

To increase the likelihood of you comprehending my message, I have settled upon the following structure of this essay. First, I shall explain what constitutes ‘meaning in life’. Then I will construct a problem analysis, mapping out the probable reasons you are currently not experiencing meaning in life. And finally, I shall conclude with a solution proposal on how you can find meaning in life. The intention of this essay is to convey that life is actually high-key awesome, and if you direct your focus towards the right endeavours, then you can find meaning in life. However, I would like to give you a disclaimer in advance. When you read this essay, please be honest with yourself. Certain sections of this essay might trigger resistance within you, causing you to discredit my arguments. Please be aware of the defence mechanism you’re utilising to protect the raw nerve my words have hit. I know this essay is rather weighty. From the bottom of my heart, I do not wish to burden you, but to inspire you to find a purpose and meaning in life.

Section 1: Meaning in Life

What does ‘meaning in life, happiness or fulfilment’ constitute? Despite entailing separate definitions, I believe humans interpret these concepts identically, namely as an answer to the question: ‘What is the purpose of my life?’ However, it goes deeper. The question ‘What is the purpose of my life?’ is only relevant to humans, because of one key fundamental phenomenon: human suffering. If life were only sunshine and rainbows, we would not need to question the purpose of life, because life would be palatable. However, the existence of suffering makes life appear unjust. We wish to live, but not within an existence that buries us in pain. Hence, we seek a justification that makes the suffering acceptable — or at least bearable. That is exactly what we hope ‘happiness’, ‘fulfilment’ or ‘meaning in life’ shall deliver to us: something that makes life worth living, despite life’s inherent pain and challenges. Only when we find a meaning so valuable, which outweighs life’s hardships, will we be able to uprightly bear the suffering and live fully.

Let me explain how this dynamic of seeking meaning in life plays out tangibly. I think we all unconsciously question the purpose of our day-to-day activities. What is the point of studying at university? What is the point of working at this corporation? What is the point of living at all? You pose yourself these questions, because you face pain and challenges in life, but you do not know for what reason. Your university degree, job and life do not seem to justify the hardship of your life.

Just as a reminder, here are some examples of why you probably unconsciously think life is laced with injustice and pain: your loved ones will eventually die and you’ll never see them again (let that resonate), you yourself will die, the fun in life always comes to an end, society appears to continually be at the verge of destabilising, you are at risk of illness, you realise the burden that there is always something that can be done to improve your life and if you don’t do it it’s your own fault, we seem permanently at the brink of psychological decline, we are dissatisfied with life, etc. The list continues… The tragedy of life is heart wrenching and makes your existence tremble at its core. That is why we dedicate our lives to seeking a purpose for our hardship.

Without a meaning or purpose that justifies our hardship, we tend to sedate the poignant realisation that life is tragic, because of its overwhelming nature. I believe our society is in an existential crisis of meaninglessness. Symptoms of this meaninglessness are ubiquitous. These symptoms entail attempts to sedate the existential angst with material possessions, social recognition and impulsive pleasures. We expect the wealth, fame and pleasure to fill the void and answer the question of ‘What is the purpose of my life that will justify the pain, suffering and tragedy?’. But little do we know, we are mindlessly trying to use square Lego bricks to fill the gaps in a jigsaw puzzle. No matter how adamantly you shove the Lego into the puzzle, the brick won’t fit. Clearly our life strategy is futile, which brings us to the problem analysis.

Section 2: Problem Analysis — Why you might be lacking meaning in life

In the following problem analysis, I list several arguments on why you are probably experiencing an absence of meaning in life.

2.1 Rudimentary education on human beings

First of all, you are probably not finding meaning in life, because you do not possess the knowledge on the psychological and biological structure of human beings. Happiness, fulfilment and meaning are HUMAN phenomena. In order to understand the dynamics of these phenomena, logically you need to grasp the functions and structure of human beings in the first place. Humans are the centre of interpreting life. All experiences that happen to you, are absorbed through the filter of your mind and body. This might sound trivial to you. But if you don’t comprehend the structure of human beings, then you are blindly gambling on random strategies of living, in the hope of them being successful. Some ways of life are conducive to fulfilment, and others are not, period. Seeking fulfilment in life without knowledge of human beings is like running a 100m sprint barefoot, in a pitch-black room with Lego bricks sprinkled on the ground. Have fun.

2.2 We are dissociated

Humans are experiencing a sickness of the soul, caused by a type of dissociation. In other words, we are thinking thoughts that do not stem from our own body, and we are behaving in ways that we do not actually desire. We are out of sync. More specifically, modern humans have severed the umbilical cord connecting themselves to their spirit and moral conscience. The cause of disconnection is manifold. However, one cause of our disconnection lies in science usurping the human spirit from the throne in the sky, where it used to sit. The arrogant scientific belief system relegated the spirit to something non-existent, because it could not be measured with conventional scientific instruments. The spirit has fallen out of the sky in a somersault of flames. Consequently, humans have nothing to be guided by anymore. The spirit and moral compass are mechanisms that guide us towards what feels right. Naturally, when these mechanisms are made quiescent, we lack sufficient guidance and feel lost. This is terrifying, because we remain exposed to the unfathomable complexity and harshness of reality. Yet, now we have no means of navigating through reality successfully. In essence, we do not know ourselves, nor what to do with our lives. As Carl Jung put it: “The world will ask you who you are, and if you don’t know, the world will tell you.”

The world has told us many things: we are nothing but meat and matter, consuming and building wealth is the key to happiness, your behaviour does not matter in the grand scheme of things, etc. One of the worst messages I’ve heard is the conception that humans are a burden to this world. That idea, ladies and gentlemen, I think is both pathological and psychopathic. No wonder humans feel worthless, insecure and despise themselves when they’re force-fed the belief that humans are nothing but a cost to planet Earth. Humans, in my eyes, are the children of nature, and therefore emulate their mother. Just as mother nature is brutal and ruthless, so are its children. But just as mother nature has the potential for profound beauty, so do its offspring. You nurture that beauty and constrain the brutality with encouragement, love and forgiveness, not with condemning humans for their reprehensible nature. By accepting both the dark and light side of human nature, you set the foundation for truthfully reconnecting with it, and letting it guide you once more. This shall solve your dissociation.

However, for now, the absent human spirit and moral conscience leaves room for something else to guide us in life instead. Something dark…

2.3 Insecurity and fear guides you

Your lack of knowledge on human nature is leading you to deploy ways of life that prevent you from finding meaning. A common example of this, is when we occupy ourselves with endeavours that have the sole purpose of covering our insecurities and fears. A dark realisation dawned upon me recently. I have spent my entire life choosing hobbies and goals, in an attempt to mask my insecurities. Between the age of 11 and 13 I wanted to be a WWE wrestler. Between the age of 14 and 16 I wanted to be a fashion designer. Between the age of 16 and 21, I wanted to be a rapper. At the age of 21 to 22, I wanted to be a motivational speaker. In hindsight, these dreams had a key pattern. They were attempts to build wealth, social recognition, and collect admiration from an audience/crowd. I sought wealth and admiration from people, in order to compensate for the self-esteem deficit within myself. I did not feel like my authentic self was enough. Thus, I had to act like someone else, who is worth the love and acceptance of my fellow humans, because my true self was not deserving. I chased validation. I chased hobbies and goals, that in reality did not correspond to my authentic self.

If you spend your life seeking validation like I did, because you do not feel worthy, then you will struggle to find true meaning. Because your decision making in life will serve your insecurities and fears, and not your authentic self. Plus, the pain your insecurity brings you shall never subside, until you attend yourself to the feeling of inadequacy at its core. I am fairly certain the majority of individuals in Western societies, including myself, choose their jobs, clothes and persona based on their precarious sense of self-worth. If you remain unaware of your insecurities, the shackles will continue holding a tenacious grip on your entire life, turning it into a saga of inadequacy. You will live your life in fear of being judged by others as inadequate. So, you’ll dedicate all your efforts to avoiding that, and thus build a life founded upon fear. If your motivations in life are rooted in insecurity, then the outcomes you bring upon yourself will not be empowering and will not be fulfilling. But why have we reached the point where our insecurities command our lives? I believe the answer partially lies hidden in our belief system.

The prevalent belief system in Western society has failed in teaching its citizens what is truly worth aiming for in life. Sadly enough, people legitimately believe the essence of life entails establishing a career, going on a few vacations, eventually building a family, and that’s about it. Consequently, many of us cease looking for answers in life beyond our career status and success rate on Tinder, because that is all we were taught. It is quite simple really. If you have nothing better to live for, you settle for an insubstantial way of life. The absence of meaningful goal-setting leaves room for your feelings of inadequacy to take charge instead. Your insecurities (darkness) proceed to exist, whether you confront them or not. If you fail to find a light in life, and choose to protect the light as your purpose, then the darkness is unleashed and slips through the cracks of your unconscious mind to possess you. That is why so many of us are guided by our insecurities, shortcomings and fears. All because we have no light to kindle and protect in the face of our darkness. The darkness unconsciously triggers a kind of fight or flight mode, and we panic in response by dedicating our entire lives to protecting our insecurities.

(This may all seem rather abstract and intangible. I will probably make a lecture series on YouTube to explain it in detail, since the nature of what I am attempting to convey is fairly complex.)

More practically, in a dire attempt to avoid the dragon (insecurities/darkness) resting at our feet, we have developed a pernicious coping mechanism called ‘farsightedness’. Farsightedness alleviates the pain of facing the immediate, personal problems in our lives, by recalibrating our vision to focus on the external world instead. We rationalise our farsightedness by claiming the grand problems of society to be of higher priority in need of solving, in comparison to our seemingly ‘insignificant’, personal issues. Or generally, we sweep our dissatisfaction, failing relationships and declining health under the rug, and naively continue with life. One key issue: monsters enjoy company. Once you sweep one monster under the rug, it will invite its cousins over and throw a house party. Then you not only have ‘insecurity’ pressing the buttons behind the DJ table, but you also have ‘anxiety’ and ‘depression’ on the VIP list. As I stated above, even if you ignore your insecurities and problems, they will pull your strings whilst residing in your unconscious mind, whether you like it or not. I believe we shall never find meaning in life by exclusively looking for it in the external world. The gold (i.e. meaning in life) is hidden behind the dragon. The dragon represents what frightens you most. If you think your greatest fear exists in the external world, I suspect you have never gazed into the abyss resting with you. Give it a try. When I took a glimpse, it made my existence shudder to the core. However, the abyss never fails to pay its dues. After gazing into the abyss, it reimbursed me with a sample of gold.

Before you can experience something akin to meaning in life and feel plentiful positive emotions, you need to eliminate precisely those forces that cause unnecessary negative emotions and feelings of meaninglessness. All in all, if you do not comprehend your own nature, then life is like driving a car in first gear… and believing there are no other gears. You will only drive so fast and get so far in life. If only you knew what you were capable of. Let me give you a driving lesson.

Section 3: Solution Proposal — How to find meaning in life

3.1 Educate yourself

If you are dissatisfied with your current life, lack purpose, and wish to experience more positive emotions and meaning, you must first convince yourself of something pivotal. You must fundamentally convince yourself that there is something profoundly valuable in life, which you have the potential to acquire. When you believe in the existence of this mysterious ‘thing’ and that you have the potential to find it, you will adamantly strive towards it, simply because of its sheer value. The journey of progressing towards this ‘thing’ is characterised by such intense excitement and positive emotions, that you will gladly accept the hardship that comes along with life.

Obviously, you will not believe this, until you have evidence substantiating the claim that such a valuable ‘thing’ even exists in the first place. You shall find the evidence for its existence where our ancestors stored their knowledge, experiences and wisdom about life: art. Artists store the knowledge they extract from their human experience in a formulated manifestation. Artists observe human behaviour and express the knowledge they extracted, in the piece of art they create. Art is charged with intense emotion, religious experience and profound meaning. Art is a reflection of human life. You may struggle to relate to a lot of art and deem it as ridiculous. However, very often when consuming art, we notice parts of our body responding independently. For example, when watching certain movies, we cannot help but feel great sadness, excitement and love. Did you consciously choose to respond to the movie with these emotions? No. Your body responded autonomously. These reactions are unconscious. Clearly, your body and unconscious mind know something you do not. Your body and unconscious mind feel spoken to, and detect a message in the movie, whilst your consciousness remains unaware. The reason why you are oblivious, as to why the tears are gushing involuntarily during a children’s Disney movie, is because you very simply do not understand the structure of your own being. You need to educate yourself. Once you are somewhat educated, you will have the knowledge needed to build your life in a manner, that enables you to experience exuberance, love and meaning on a daily basis.

So, how do you educate yourself? You need to read the right literature and watch the right YouTube videos. Why literature and YouTube videos? I believe literature and YouTube videos are channels which modern humans are more capable of understanding, in comparison to paintings, music and dance. When you become proficient in the knowledge of human nature, then the experience of consuming paintings, music and dance shall be more touching for you. But we must first start with the basics. These are the overarching topics, which have helped me cure my nihilism and belief that I’m just a sack of meat: the human psyche, the unconscious mind, archetypes, the hero’s journey, the concept of God, religion with evolutionary biology, the divine potential within consciousness, the inescapable moral conscience and finally epigenetics. I have included a reading and watching list at the end of this essay, with books and videos I recommend for educating yourself on these topics. These books and videos are an antidote to nihilism and meaninglessness.

Here are techniques that shall accelerate your comprehension of the literature and videos. When reading the right literature, and listening to the right YouTube videos, you must treat the content as a description of yourself, your very own nature. In case of fiction books, the narratives told are abstractions of human nature. The author observed human nature and extracted a pattern that portrays the psychology and behaviour of humans on average. Despite being fiction, the content can be a type of meta-truth, a summary of true human tendencies. Since you are a human, the book is consequently about your own tendencies. Treat these books as a report on your own nature, based on data from over 2 million years of homo (human) experiences. Humans have been around for a while, and have archived a few of their observations and lessons. You will find them in these books.

When you read the literature and watch the videos, you need to retain the knowledge. Or else, you might as well have not consumed the art in the first place. I can recommend taking notes, and afterwards critically evaluating what you learned. By applying this technique, you will integrate the new knowledge by connecting it to the nodes of your existing map of reality. As time proceeds, your map of reality will transform, the lenses through which you perceive life will be enhanced with colour, and your psyche will shift.

If finding meaning in life does not motivate you to educate yourself, perhaps this will. When you educate yourself on human nature, you shall probably become more attractive. Why? Because you possess the archaic knowledge that governs human evolution and the survival of the human genome. In short, your probability of surviving, producing healthy offspring, and protecting the survival of your peers rises. Humans have evolved to unconsciously detect the skill of survival in their peers. Consequently, humans of all kinds will gravitate towards you, without them even knowing why they’re attracted to you. (Side note: if you desire to educate yourself for the sake of being more attractive and manipulating your peers, you will only get so far. Your own body, as well as social dynamics can launch mechanisms to communicate their disapproval of your manipulative intentions. Examples are neuroses and an inability to connect with humans on a meaningful, deep, emotional level.)

Here is one last motivator for why you should educate yourself. This is especially relevant for business students and working professionals. Humans lie at the core of all the games we play in life. When you educate yourself on human nature, you learn the dynamics that govern all games and thus learn how to play the fundamental meta-game, which all other games are rooted in. Many humans superficially specialise in singular games, whether it is how to get promoted as quickly as possible, how to launch a profitable start-up, or how to date as many people as possible through Tinder. They tend to overlook the fundamental dynamics that govern the game, because they are not educated on human nature. Once you learn the rule book of the meta-game, I believe you will have the expertise to play all other subordinate games, without requiring in-depth training. Those individuals who myopically specialise in a singular game, will be dumbfounded to see you play their game in an unorthodox, yet successful manner. This meta-game can be played regardless of the culture or society, because it is rooted in something that outlives cultural norms: the truthful structure of the human individual. Due to a case of asymmetric information, you will be conscious of the game’s core dynamics, whilst others will be oblivious. You shall be educated and therefore have a clue on how to find meaning, others not. But the point is not that you’ll have an advantage over your peers. The meta-game has a purpose within itself. You shall comprehend what I mean, once you begin playing it.

To illustrate the logic of educating yourself before playing the game of ‘life’, I shall compare life to a board game. Before we play a new board game, we apply our common sense and read the instruction manual. This enables us to play the game in a functional manner, abide by the rules, and hopefully increase the likelihood of winning. The upside of educating yourself on the rules seems evident. But what occurs when you do not read the instruction manual?

If you personally do not read the instructions of the game, hopefully your co-players did. If your co-players are knowledgeable and friendly, they will teach you the rules of the game as you play. However, if all the players of the game never read the instructions, then the game is not a game, but buffoonery. If none of the players of the game called ‘life’ read the instructions then… well then the game declines into a farce resembling our society. This game is characterised by disoriented players who invest long, intense hours in a career they loathe, to buy possessions they do not need, to ultimately impress people they dislike. Such a game environment is a result of uneducated players, who unfortunately have no bloody clue what’s going on. These uneducated players lie at the mercy of the game’s ‘invisible’ rules and design. The outcome these players bring upon themselves, depend on whether the players accidentally abide or violate the game regulations. The players who haven’t read the instruction manual, are handed playing cards according to their clueless, childlike game strategy. If the outcome of the game is unpleasant, in an infantile hissy fit, the players might point a finger at others, blame it on the game, or even worse, call the outcome ‘fate’. Hence, please read the instruction manual of your own mind, body and the game of ‘life’.

3.2 Before we can ascend towards the light, we must descend into the darkness

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” Carl Jung

As I stated, until now, many of the motives behind the choices we’ve taken in life are rooted in insecurities (choice of career, partner, friends, clothes). You must identify the insecurities producing the fears that are guiding your decision making and choice of path in life. By becoming conscious of your insecurities, you’ll be able to externalise and observe them with a bird’s eye view. You’ll realise that your insecurities are NOT you, and that your insecurities do NOT have to govern your life. Once you understand the cause of your insecurities and their impact on your thoughts/behaviour, you have the conscious ability to relegate the authority they have over you. Consequently, you’ll make space for your authentic, intrinsic self to guide your decision making, and your attention shall be directed towards the endeavours you genuinely seek. This is a necessity for unlocking meaning in life.

So, how do we become conscious of our insecurities? We must deploy a technique, more specifically an interrogative word, that is deemed as terrifying and daunting by many. I have tried to deploy this technique in many conversations, but have typically been responded to with an uncomfortable glare and agitated body language. This technique or word, is a holiday ticket to the depths of your abyss. I am referring to the word that’ll incinerate the person you thought you were, and in return give birth to who you were meant to be. Like the phoenix, you will figuratively die and be reborn. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to the innocent looking, yet greatly feared three-letter word: ‘Why’.

If you question yourself ‘Why have I chosen this career path?’, ‘Why am I in a relationship with my partner?’, ‘Why do I like this particular style of clothing?’, and repeatedly question the answer that springs to your mind, then eventually you shall arrive at your root motive. I suspect the majority of your motives are fear-based. Here is an example of how such a reflection process might unravel:

Why have I chosen this career path? Because this career is prestigious and earns me a juicy income. Why does this matter to me? Because I do not feel worthy of other people’s love and attention, since I am not enough the way I am. Hence, I need to acquire the resources that everyone in our society deems as highly valuable, which is money and status. Then people will love me, give me attention and make me feel valuable. Thus, I have chosen this career path to fill my feelings of inadequacy.

Usually when we repeatedly pose ourselves the question ‘Why?’, we do not arrive at the core motive immediately as in this example. We usually try to rationalise why the first or second answer that springs to mind is our core motive. Confronting the first or second answer is less painful than facing our core motive. Your pain avoidance mechanism shall try to prevent you from digging any further. A classic rationalisation is telling yourself that your motive is altruistic, and therefore justified and shouldn’t be questioned, because it benefits the greater good. For example: I want to earn a lot of money, in order to invest in sustainable projects that will make the world a better place. Trumpeting hollow altruistic motives is simply a cunning defence mechanism of your mind, to avoid any deeper reflection. Be wary of this.

I am guilty of this myself. I spent my last year of university giving workshops on self-development and leadership. I produced and delivered 33 workshops. What was my motive? I told myself I want to help students find meaning in life and reduce their suffering. Part of that was true. However, the other half of my motive was rooted in feelings of inadequacy. I used the workshops as public speaking opportunities to collect admiration and broadcast what a wise 22-year-old I was. I felt the need to convince my peers of my value by flaunting my eloquence and public speaking skills… all because I did not feel enough the way I was. I would script my workshops and hammer them into my brain by practicing for hours and hours. I built a workshop on the inherent suffering of life and nihilism in February this year. The workshop physically and spiritually exhausted me, because I repeatedly chanted my script on how life is only tragic and painful. Not a good move mate. I was paranoid about getting the workshop right and impressing other students.

Reflecting on our motives by ourselves is a treacherous task. I can sincerely recommend externalising the reflection process by means of speech (journaling is also highly effective). Speaking about your motives and how you feel is a technique that turns unclear, chaotic thoughts/feelings into articulated, clear order. Trying to get an overview of the contents of your mind by mere thinking, is like attempting to organise a kindergarten full of hungry 4-year-olds by yourself. You could use a helping hand. Try to confide in a friend, parent, therapist, or anyone you can trust. Kindly ask your conversational partner to simulate a reflection process with you, where they neutrally question the answers you produce, and encourage you to dig deeper. If you have nobody to talk to, then reach out to me. I will make the time to listen to you.

There is also a simpler technique you can utilise to identify your insecurities. When you judge other individuals, try to identify specifically which trait you are judging them for. The specific trait you judge others for, you are insecure about manifesting yourself. You despise that trait about yourself, you are insecure about that aspect of yourself, and therefore it disgusts you to see it in others. If you are interested in this technique, you can research the phenomenon of ‘shadow projection’ to learn more.

The more you ask yourself the question ‘Why?’ and reflect on your insecurities, the more you shall draw the contents of your unconscious mind into your consciousness (a process called ‘individuation’). Simultaneously, the degree to which your previously unconscious insecurities and fears govern your life, will decrease. Jung stated: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” Now you have the chance of letting your genuine, conscious self guide your decision making, a prime requirement for finding meaning in life. It will be difficult for you to understand this, but when you transform the unconscious into consciousness, you will have clarity of your authentic potential that awaits to be manifested. “Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” — Carl Jung

I do not wish to sugar-coat the journey of embracing your darkness. Even if you become conscious of your insecurities and dissolve their authority over your life, it does not guarantee you shall find your authentic meaning in life. Logically, one would expect an individual to imminently change their way of life, after recognising the vacuous motive their previous decisions were founded upon. Unfortunately, I lament the fact that such is not the case, for it entails giving up the devil we know, in exchange for the devil we do not know. The uncertainty of what lies waiting on the other side is severely distressing. We are demanded to let go of the way we identify ourselves and perceive the entirety of reality, in order to make space for something unknown. We are haunted by these questions: What kind of a person will I be? Will my friends/family accept me? Will society accept me? Will I lose my reputation? Will I lose my passion for fashion? Will I lose my hard work and discipline? How can we be certain the new version of ourselves will live a life better than the status quo?

The answer is simple. You can be certain you will be living a more meaningful and fulfilling life, because you will be manifesting a greater portion of YOU. Your behaviour, feelings, thoughts, interests, choice of clothing, choice of career, and choice of friends will be more aligned with your genuine self. When your genuine self manifests itself, something profound occurs which justifies the pain of letting go of your old self. If you do not believe me yet, which I assume is the case for most of you, then read some of the literature I recommend at the end of this essay. The literature shall teach you the value of death and rebirth. We must have faith and give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, that the life waiting for us is where we are meant to be. As Joseph Campbell claimed: “We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Besides, it would be a shame to spend a lifetime as a frivolous marionette pleasing other marionettes, who wish to please well… other marionettes.

Self-reflection is the journey of venturing into the internal realm of your psyche, which is a big chapter in the instruction manual of the meta-game I mentioned before. By self-reflecting, you study the deck of cards you hold in the meta-game. The deck of cards you hold symbolise the abilities and constraints you face in the meta-game, which are based on your human nature. Simultaneously, by studying your own deck of cards, you can estimate what type of cards your co-players hold. This is possible because you both share the same human nature, and thus, the structure of your psyche has notable similarities (Hence, for the readers familiar with the mathematical models of game-theory, self-reflection is a relevant strategy for understanding your competition in games.)

I frequently ponder why so few people reflect on themselves, question their motives and show any interest in learning about the meta-game of life. I believe the answer lies in the following. Self-reflection is voluntary engagement with guaranteed pain. When you self-reflect, you gaze into the abyss, and the abyss stares back at you. You recognise how your own choices and behaviour caused your own suffering, how you’re complicit in hurting your loved ones and you’re largely responsible for where you are in life. Such realisations are agonising. However, once you face your mistakes and complicity, you unlock the opportunity to understand them and prevent them from repeating themselves. By reflecting, you duel your potential for evil, harness it and then integrate it into your personality through awareness of it (shadow integration).

Self-reflection is comparable to learning the power of a double-edged sword. When you begin to self-reflect, you will feel pain and hurt. Like when you first pick up a sword and practice with it, you’ll likely injure yourself, for example with a cut. You shall bleed. The pain and blood represent your vulnerability, which you finally become conscious of by self-reflecting, or in other words, by practicing with the sword. Next, you must figuratively drink your blood. By doing so, you integrate your vulnerability and insecurity into your awareness. But more importantly, you grasp the damage your vulnerabilities and shortcomings are inflicting on your own life, and the lives of others. Our trauma, insecurities and pain are what triggers resentment and the desire to lash out at others, like an animal that feels threatened. Hurt people hurt people. By self-reflecting, practicing with the sword and drinking your own blood, you become aware of this, and learn to harness your own vulnerabilities and potential for evil. You essentially learn the power of yourself, symbolised as the sword.

By self-reflecting and understanding the pain the sword can inflict, you master the first edge of the sword and rightfully unlock the sword’s second edge and true power: the ability to protect humanity. Jordan Peterson believes the best way to fight monsters, is with good people who are better at being monsters. These would be the heroes and sentinels of society. The heroes and sentinels of society rightfully wield the sword, because they have sparred with and tasted the blood of the darkest threat to humanity: themselves. The heroes rise above the rest, because they are courageous enough to voluntarily combat their own insecurities, vulnerabilities and darkness. By descending into darkness, the heroes learn the ways of evil resting within themselves and humanity, and acquire the skill of restraining it. Afterwards, the heroes rise out of the depths bearing the true power of the sword, with which they shall protect the realm. You must self-reflect and voluntarily become conscious of your vulnerability by mastering the first edge of the sword that will cut you at first. Only then will you have the right to wield the true power of the sword. Only if you can bear the cut of the sword and descend into darkness, will you have the right to pull the sword out of the stone and wield Excalibur. He or she who is capable of such, will inherit the kingdom of humanity.

The legend of King Arthur tells the story of Excalibur, the sword belonging to the rightful heir to the British throne. Excalibur is lodged in a stone/anvil, and only the true King has the ability to pull it out and wield it. Think of Excalibur as a symbol of the right to govern and protect humanity. I believe we all have a noble soul and spirit, giving us the right to wield Excalibur. But it must first be unlocked by confronting darkness. Will you muster up the courage to descend into darkness, and claim the right to Excalibur?

Only when you self-reflect and introspect, will you unlock your ability to find true meaning. However, if you try searching for meaning outside in the external world, you will struggle to find it. Allow me to explain.

3.3 Stop searching and you will find it

In March 2020, earlier this year, I embarked on an intellectual journey. I adamantly decided to produce 1 YouTube video per day, in which I attempt to deduce the meaning of life and how to reduce suffering. I chose this intense production schedule, partially because of an urgency to find what I was searching for. I was searching for an answer to the purpose of suffering, and a reason to live. I was not suicidal, do not get me wrong. I just did not see the purpose of human life and felt like there was nothing exciting to anticipate in the future. I was ‘ok’ with living life, but nothing really encouraged me to actively WANT to live life. I pondered, ‘What am I studying for? To get a job… wait, is that really it? And then what? So, the purpose of my life is to get a job huh? Hold on. No, no, no, no, no.’ (panicking)

With childish stubbornness and a sprinkle of frustration, I refused to accept that as an answer to the purpose of my life. Hence, I frantically took my fate into my own hands, and decided to search for a more satisfactory answer myself. 280 YouTube videos and 1 dark revelation later, I found what I was looking for. But not in the format I had expected.

When I commenced the YouTube journey, my hope was to eventually stumble across a theory or piece of wisdom, that would finally reveal the meaning of life. I kept searching and searching for months, all whilst formulating the theories I had learned in my daily videos. After uploading over 200 videos, a dark realisation suddenly struck me. My attempt to find the meaning of life by learning theories and knowledge, had been absolutely and utterly futile. I realised I will never ever find what I am looking for, by applying a conventional searching method. I had dedicated my life to searching, but had left no time for ‘finding’.

A video from my YouTube endeavour

When we search for something in life, we aim for a goal, where we expect the answer to be waiting. Unfortunately, there is something incorrect about our method of searching. The rationale behind searching is obviously to find whatever we seek. However, Hermann Hesse believed: “Searching means: having a goal. But finding means: being free, being open, having no goal.”

I have observed myself and my fellow humans. Most of us dedicate our lives to searching for answers outside ourselves in the external world. ‘When I get the promotion, then life will make sense and it will be worth living. When I earn my first €1 million, then everything will fall into place. When I find my life-long partner, then I will be happy. The moment I eradicate poverty, life will be worth living.’ I do not wish to force this realisation upon you, but I suspect you shall never ever find what you’re searching for with such expectations. You will waste your life chasing an elusive goal, whilst the answer you seek is lying tangibly at your feet. Deep down, I think you already know all of this.

But what is Hermann Hesse implying with needing to be ‘free’ and ‘open’, before you can find meaning in life? The answer to this question is difficult for me to articulate, because it is more akin to a feeling than a theoretical concept. However, I will give my best to make it comprehensible:

Meaning in life is a phenomenon occurring within you. It is an internal feeling and experience. Feelings and experiences can only take place in the present moment. You can only exist in the now. Even if you reminisce about experiences that seemed joyful in the past, the memories of these experiences are touching you in the current moment. You can only feel in the present moment. And this is precisely the same for meaning in life. You can only feel meaning in life in the present moment. But when you search for meaning, by default, you imply that meaning is currently absent in the present moment, or else you would not look for it somewhere else. You need to be open and free to utilise the tool required for detecting meaning in life, which only exists in the present moment: the ability to feel. When you obsess over searching for and progressing towards goals, you completely miss out on the present moment, where the meaning is found. Understanding this can save you from wasting an entire lifetime of running on a treadmill. Understanding this, is absolutely pivotal.

I cannot convince you that searching for answers in theories or material possessions will be useless in delivering what you hoped for. You must realise it for yourself. If you truly want to find an answer, you shall experience this realisation. As Herman Hesse put it: “There was no teaching a truly searching person, someone who truly wanted to find, could accept.” If you search for meaning in life, you will not find it. By searching for it, you are automatically implying it is absent in your life. And by continuing to search, you will only persist in proving its absence. If you truly want to find, you will stop looking and accept instead. Consequently, you shall find what you hoped for. It’s right in front of your eyes.

3.4 My wisdom, not yours

Ironically, despite sharing this essay, I do not want you to follow my wisdom. Here is why.

Wisdom and knowledge are fundamentally different. Knowledge can be acquired by merely thinking with your intellect, and is therefore easily transferable between people. Wisdom, however, requires understanding, which comprises a unification of both thinking and feeling. Feelings can only be acquired from your own idiosyncratic, individual experience of life. Feelings are born in a realm beyond logic and the intellect. You will not fully understand this essay, unless you conclude the same lessons from your very own experience of life. You might know what the sentences of this essay mean intellectually, but you will probably not be able to feel them. You will only be able to acquire the knowledge from this essay, but never its wisdom. Wisdom is only accessible through your own experience of life. The issue here is that wisdom will reveal the meaning of life to you, knowledge will not. After all, meaning has to do with feeling, not with knowing. You will never find wisdom, and therefore meaning, by only the means of thinking and building knowledge. You need to unify your knowledge with feelings and experiences.

I want to display how your isolated intellect is incapable of understanding wisdom by itself. Here are some paradoxical statements of wisdom, which embody something akin to the truth about finding meaning in life:

The way to find meaning in life is quite simple. Stop looking for what you want, and you’ll find what you need. Close your eyes, and you’ll see it. Stop reaching, and you will grasp it. Close your mouth, and you will taste it.

Sounds like gibberish, right? That’s because “wisdom cannot be passed on. Wisdom which a wise man tries to pass on to someone always sounds like foolishness.” That is what Hermann Hesse concluded in his book ‘Siddhartha’, which revolves around a boy who finds enlightenment after rejecting the teachings of Buddha.

The reason I am telling you this, is because the final clue to finding meaning in life lies in experiencing it by yourself. Live by your own lessons, feelings and reflections on experiences. If you live by someone else’s lessons, feelings and wisdom, you will dissociate. You will dissociate, because you are thinking the thoughts and choosing behaviours that were not initiated by your authentic opinion stemming from your body. Your unconscious mind will communicate its objection to the desynchronisation between your mind and body, by producing symptoms of suffering such as anxiety, depression, mood swings and more. Your body and unconscious mind are unnegotiable forces which cannot lie. They know what is true and what is false. Only your conscious mind is prone to deception. Your body and unconscious mind encompass all the information you need to construct wisdom. They will try to communicate the information to you, which you are supposed to integrate into your consciousness. But when you block the communication with them, by integrating the ideas and theories of other humans into your consciousness, you will receive a figurative spanking. I have received this punishment countless times since my teenage years. It is not fun.

As a general rule of thumb, be cautious of advice that is one-sided. Life is in its essence at least two-sided. Hence, any advice/idea/theory explaining life with rigid one-dimensional arguments, is by default crippled. “Any truth can only be expressed and put into words when it is one-sided. Everything is one-sided which can be taught with thoughts and said with words, it’s all one-sided, all just one half, all lacks completeness, roundness, oneness. But the world itself, what exists around us and inside of us, is never one-sided.” — Hermann Hesse

The arguments of my essay might tend to depict the path to finding meaning in life, as a step by step, one-dimensional process. Despite me portraying it as such, it is in actuality unfathomably complex and nonlinear. The format of an essay cannot encompass the entirety of my wisdom, because words cannot accurately convey feelings. Besides, this essay is an illustration of the map that guided me towards the treasure in life. Each human has their own map, hence, mine will probably insufficiently direct you to your treasure.

Thus, please critically evaluate all of my arguments in this essay. Do not take my words as gospel. Be truthful with yourself, however. You might feel resistance when reading certain sections of this essay, and consequently begin denigrating it. Please be conscious of the rationalisation you’re deploying, which is a mechanism to numb the raw nerve my words have hit. I know this essay might be heavy. I wish you all the strength to grapple with it. I do not want to teach you my wisdom, but only to inspire you to build your own. This essay is my wisdom, but only your knowledge. Enter the world, experience life yourself, and assemble your own wisdom.

4. Last words

Along with Western society’s grand scientific advancements, we’ve fortified our rational intellect by rampantly trying to measure and explain anything crossing our path, including the phenomenon of life. Something that differentiates us from animals, is that we are able to construct theoretical ideas using our intellect. This ability has given us access to civilization-changing inventions, but has also unlocked the dangerous desire to attach an explanation or meaning to things, that cannot be explained by science or the intellect.

The reason why I never found the meaning of life by making 280 YouTube videos, is because I was attempting to deduce the meaning of life intellectually. I neglected the polar opposite to my rational intellect, the necessary skill to understand the meaning of life: the ability to feel. Dostoevsky believed that, only once we are able to love life, will we be able to comprehend the meaning of it. Dostoevsky is alluding to the necessity to feel (love), which trumps the intellect. No wonder our lives are meaningless. We’ve completely underdeveloped the ability to feel, because we’re obsessed with productivity, optimisation and how to control the world with our logical thinking. We are terrified of what we do not understand, such as our body and feelings (partially symbolised as the feminine. I will make a lecture on the societal and individual need to nurture our relationship to the feminine). Thus, we quickly turn our head, and ignorantly continue attempting to solve the equation of life.

Please learn how to feel. How do you do that? You need to listen to yourself. How do you listen to yourself? You need time to do ‘nothing’, in order to hear yourself. I am currently taking a gap year after finishing my master’s degree. I have learned more about myself and life in the last 6 months of doing ‘nothing’, than in the previous 22.5 years of doing ‘something’. How come? By sitting at home, I had no choice but to confront and peel off the layers within me and uncover what I actually feel. Well, for the first two months after graduating, I gravitated towards watching an excessive amount of YouTube videos, in order to distract and drown my thoughts and feelings. I had my headphones on for 2/3 of the day. My family members can testify. I guess that was my coping mechanism for the existential crisis knocking at my door.

Surely enough, eventually I took my headphones off and began to listen. I had time and space, with no obligations or responsibilities (apart from walking the dogs in the afternoon). I finally got a glimpse of what human ‘being’ constituted. All I knew until now was human ‘doing’. I literally sat down and asked myself how I currently feel. My body answered. I know it sounds ludicrous. After 22.5 years of living, I finally received an introduction to myself. Pretty awesome, not going to lie. Recommend 10/10.

I am fairly certain most of us are quite simply WAY TOO BUSY nowadays. I always thought it was cool to be busy, because it meant I had something going for myself. But no. It only meant I had something going for someone else. I was running fast, but I was running someone else’s race. It was a classic example of running a race without knowing for what reason. Trust me, it is wonderful to look at your schedule and only see 1 appointment, and that appointment is ‘hanging out with granny’. It’s lovely to just spontaneously call a friend to catch up, and have time to attend yourself to those who need some kindness.

Counterintuitively, by doing ‘nothing’, life has become more intense and colourful. It makes me want to live life. I am no longer distracted and can finally see the world. Now that I can see the world and feel who I am, I can actually let it affect me, making the experience of life rich and intense (keep in mind, all of this occurred at home in quarantine. No drugs or whacky experiences were involved). Here is an example of how letting the world affect you, makes life rich and worth living. I recently watched the animated movie ‘How To Train Your Dragon’. After only 14 minutes into the movie, I had tears in my eyes. I grasped the symbolism being portrayed, because I have educated myself a bit on archetypes. But more importantly, I unconsciously detected a behavioural pattern in the movie’s protagonist, which gives evidence that there is something worth living for in life, something profound. I let my body respond to the movie’s message. The tears were rolling, my blood pulsating. My body felt alive. My body knew something I consciously did not. Hence, I decided to listen, and the lesson I received was beautiful.

Naturally, as a man of the 21st century, I feel the need to defend my tears. Many of us mistake tears for weakness. I think tears and weakness are irreconcilable. They are opposites. When we cry, we have the courage to display our vulnerability, which is an act far from weakness. It requires strength. All humans are by default vulnerable. We have finite brain processing capacity and energy, making us lie at the mercy of the infinite environment and harshness of life… very vulnerable. When we suppress our emotions and tears, we are succumbing to the fear of accepting what it means to be human. We are afraid of the truth. But as Viktor Frankl claimed: “But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for the tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer.” As a personal message to anyone who is ashamed of admitting their tears, just remember, when you are able to cry, you are manifesting one of the most truthful states of being. I believe crying is a form of expression that is pure, authentic and free from ego, facades and lies. When you can cry, you can listen to your true self, giving you access to all the answers you seek in life.

I must admit, since I’ve learned how to feel and let the world affect me, I cry regularly. I get reduced to tears when I encounter a miraculous shimmer of hope, love and light, engulfed by our world of dense darkness. For example, when I go through old childhood pictures of mine, my heart wrenches. I see an innocent child who desires nothing more than peace and happiness, and is fighting with all his might against the surrounding, corrupting dark force of resentment and suffering. The child is utterly outnumbered, but remains to hold its ground. I feel like that child never left, and still rests within me. Carl Jung believed: “The sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.” I believe we shall find our purpose in life by taking the righteous path of nurturing love and forgiveness in the face of darkness, no matter how bleak our prospects of triumph may seem. Recognising the juxtaposition and mutual existence between love and suffering/darkness, ignites something profound within me. It summons something akin to the truth: tears. The tears are the light in the corrupted darkness, because the tears are clear and scintillate with truth. I suspect if you are numb and cannot feel, then you are drowning in darkness, because you struggle to recognise any light. I wish you all the strength and courage to find that light; to find peace, positive emotions and meaning, in face of the sometimes overpowering shadow of our existence.

In conclusion, if you educate yourself on the nature of human beings, you will possess the evidence substantiating your inherent value and the existence of something profound waiting for you in life. If you confront your insecurities and fears, you can terminate their authority over your decision making, and make room for your authentic interests to guide you instead. When you stop searching for the non-existent answer in your external environment, you shall recognise the true answer lying at your feet, and consequently find some peace. Despite me teaching you a path to meaning in life, you must construct your own wisdom based on your own experience of life. To find wisdom, you must cultivate your ability to feel. Then you shall possess the necessary tool required for detecting meaning. Return to the baby-like state you once knew, and the world will fall into place.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish these steps can inspire you to seek the will to live a meaningful life. These steps helped me. I finally feel excited about life, and I hope you will too. (tears flowing)

Yours sincerely,

Henry Clark

Contact: weneedtotalk41@gmail.com

Words of appreciation to those who inspired this essay:

I would like to thank Alex de Vries for investing hours and hours in helping me revise and edit this essay. Alex, it seemed as if you already knew the messages I was trying to convey, which astounds me. The dedication you showed to support me is hard to come by. Seriously, thank you.

I would like to thank my friends. Many of the lessons I’ve learned in life stem from the conversations we’ve had. Our intimate and open discussions taught me more than any book or teacher. That was all because you showed acceptance for who I am, enabling me to open up. So, thank you for letting me be me.

Thank you to my family for your patience, letting me experiment freely and giving me the benefit of the doubt that I’m on the right path. You let me run loose and test the different waters, all whilst accepting me for who I am. It would have been far more difficult to find who I am, had you shown disapproval for my adventures. So, thank you for your tolerance and love.

My last words of appreciation go to my mentor, whom I call the Dark Druid. You initiated me to enter the forest and confront the snakes and wolves. You certainly caused me distress with your confrontational advice and truth. However, you genuinely solved the disconnection between my mind and body. I am forever grateful to you.

Reading & watching list:

This is the list of literature & YouTube videos for educating yourself on what it means to be human. Before you consume any of the following books or videos, I recommend beginning with the YouTube Biblical Series below. The first episode of the series ignites the mindset required to comprehend the essence of human nature, in a palpable manner.

Literature:

- The Brothers Karamazov by F. Dostoevsky: This book is a masterpiece. The author portrays what occurs to humans, when they adopt certain mindsets and behaviours in life. The narratives of the characters seem to be psychologically correct, because they accurately describe the psychological developments that arise from these mindsets and behaviours. Specifically, in the novel you are presented the narrative of the rational intellectual nihilist (the modern-day scientific mindset), the good-hearted human who is however drowning in debauchery and pain (the mindset of indulging in sensualism) and the pure-hearted humble human dedicated to the truth (the mindset that unlocks meaning in life). When you read this novel, please pay close attention to the character called ‘Alyosha’. Treat the different characters as examples of what will occur to you if you act/think like them. Disclaimer: this book is long and contains some obsolete vocabulary. I recommend using a kindle to read this, because you can instantly check the definition of every word by tapping on it. This book changed my life. Dostoevsky is considered one of the greatest novelists of all time. Thus, his other classic novels are also highly recommendable.

- Books by Carl G. Jung: Jung created an excellent heuristic for understanding the human psyche. It is honestly mind-blowing. Jungian psychology shall teach you the dynamics of the shadow archetype, which is essential for processing your own insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. It shall also teach men how to relate to the feminine, and women how to relate to the masculine (also a catalyst for making yourself more attractive *wink wink*). Jung explains the configuration of the unconscious mind. The unconscious mind is essentially the birthplace of dreams, random thoughts and instinctive behaviours. Understanding the unconscious mind is like understanding the law of gravity in relation to the physical world. It is necessary for grasping how human life works. These books are dense and intense. Jung’s articulation is unparalleled. Each word seems to have been purposefully placed in each sentence. I recommend beginning with his first books. Whatever you do, do not begin with reading his last book called ‘Aion’. Just don’t do it, for your own sake, seriously.

- The Bible: The Bible is a peculiar piece of art. I think we, as modern-day humans, struggle to comprehend the Bible’s significance without a support structure. I am a big believer in building your own opinion and interpretation of life, but here I would strongly recommend getting help. Hence, before you read the Bible, watch the Biblical Lecture Series I’ve recommended below, or at least the first 2–3 lectures of the series.

- Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse: This novel is the embodiment of wisdom. If you have consciously attempted to find the meaning of life, but have remained unsuccessful, this book will probably solve your futile search. The author illustrates how the only teaching, lesson or wisdom you need in life stems from the voice within yourself. The nature of reality is ambiguous, complex and confusing. The essence of life is not straightforward, and therefore cannot be described by one-dimensional statements. You need a paradox to explain it. You shall find what you’re looking for, when you stop looking for it. Or as the author puts it: “There was no teaching a truly searching person, someone who truly wanted to find, could accept.” This book is a profound analysis of human nature.

- If you have completed my reading list, you can choose your next pick from this list which I follow: https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/great-books/

- Side note: Be wary of modern-day self-help books. They are frequently a shallow, superficial analysis of human nature. Think of life as a beautiful view. Sometimes we have a tree blocking our view. Self-help books can help you bend a branch of the tree, to clear some of the view. But the deep-level literature shall teach you to move the roots of the tree, in order to achieve a truly clear view of life. Self-help books can offer advice for integrating micro-habits (very useful, not going to lie). I suspect many individuals seek to become more efficient and productive, because if they are unproductive, they feel less valuable. Hence, the motivation stems from insecurity. The deep-level literature however can trigger authentic, internal, intrinsic determination for self-improvement. Self-help books make you run away from something. Deep-level literature can make you genuinely run towards something.

YouTube:

- Biblical Series by Dr Jordan Peterson: This lecture series is an excellent beginners guide to grasping the phenomenon of the Bible, and the non-physical side to human nature. I recommend breaking the episodes down, so you do not watch an entire episode in one sitting. The episodes are fairly long and absolutely ram-packed with intense knowledge. In advance, here is a tip on how to interpret the Bible: The Bible is a collation of stories from humans observing each other, and concluding ways of life that lead to suffering, and ways of life that lead to some kind of prosperity. The Bible is not a book intended to constrain you with dogma. It is intended to reveal the nature of humans and share the lessons of our ancestors, so you don’t have to make all the mistakes they had to. Link to series: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL22J3VaeABQD_IZs7y60I3lUrrFTzkpat

- The YouTube channel ‘Academy of Ideas’: The videos on this channel address numerous problems that plague modern-day society, with answers that have been beautifully formulated by our ancestors. The videos deconstruct many of Carl Jung’s, Nietzsche’s and other philosopher’s theories, in a comprehensible, bitesize manner. Link to channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/academyofideas

- Despite having advised you not to read ‘Aion’, I would like to recommend a video series that summarises Carl Jung’s final book. Please only watch this, if you are an open-minded individual, and already have a developed conception of spirituality. If you struggle to believe in the existence of the non-physical side of human nature, then stay far away from this video series. Link to series: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLDYqIK_NYzw6I41Mk9P2qDW-I0cC5DLk4

- My lecture series channel: I will probably begin my own lecture series on ‘How to integrate the feminine into society and into your life’ and ‘How to play the meta-game of life’. You can subscribe here in advance, so you are notified when I upload the lectures. Link to series: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIIndNPwZGRTVpoQrHtlzww