How can my 2021 New Year’s Resolution be Different
By: Daniel Johnson
Tags: Growth, Change, Help, Habits, Resolutions

Another year is coming to a close and with it comes the tradition of holiday parties (albeit virtually this year), reflections on the past year and the dreaded setting of New Year’s Resolutions.

However, many of us may not be dreading setting resolutions for 2021. We are ready to put 2020 in the rearview mirror and imagine a more prosperous and Covid-free 2021. So, we will set our resolutions with passion and excitement for all the bigger and better things we will accomplish by making changes — and taking a vaccine!

But the real question is how far will the excitement take you? Personally, I have almost always set New Year’s resolutions and let’s just say I am close to batting .100 in achieving them than I’d care to admit. And I know I am certainly not alone.

Hell, according to leading social scientist David Maxwell, “two years after coronary bypass surgery to save their lives, ninety percent of patients are back to their old behaviors.” ****

These people could die and still can’t change!

So why is it so hard to change — even when we want to?

Why is it so hard to change our bad habits?

According to Dr. Sophie, a lot of the difficulty associated with change is your brain wanting to maintain the status quo — especially when life gets hard. “The prefrontal cortex is used for higher level skills like paying sustained attention to difficult tasks or decision making and requires large amounts of energy to learn new behaviors. When it is engaged, we are able to focus on forming our new behaviors, but when it isn’t, we can easily slip into old habits. Meaning when you are stressed out or tired your prefrontal cortex is likely to tune out — and you are likely to fall into autopilot which means going back to your old ways.*

I think intuitively I have always known this is true based on experience.

I can recall times when I felt determined to change my life. I hated the monotony of my day-to-day life and wanted something different, anything different. I wrote out my goals. Described why I was motivated to change. I even outlined the steps and the time it would take to complete the change.

But inevitably life would get hard. Work gets busy. I get into an argument with my dad. A friend asks for help on a home project. All at the same time! All the sudden the time I carved out to work on myself is gone — and the stress I am feeling from it all overwhelms me. As a result, the prefrontal cortex is also overwhelmed and shuts off, and not shockingly I would quickly revert to my old habits.

The old habits always return — like a drug I can’t kick. No matter how hard I seem to try sometimes — they rear their ugly head and pull me back in. And just like a drug I always regret that I go back to the old habit. I replay the situation in my mind over-and-over again — beating myself up worse with each replay. Bringing more stress and anxiety. Tuning the prefrontal cortex out even more; to the point that I no longer am even trying to change.

So how can we beat this? How can we convince our brain that change is better than the status quo?

Strangely enough I have come to recognize that to change, I must change the way I am trying to change (try saying that 3 times fast). I no longer think I can simply will myself to change because I will just want it enough. History has proven this to be untrue.

You see, my entire life I have convinced myself I was a failure if I couldn’t handle something on my own — mental, physical or otherwise. Asked to do something at work or school I don’t know about — grit your teeth, work harder and figure out a way; all the while without letting anyone know you are struggling. Feeling sad or depressed? Bury that down deep in your stomach and grind away until things get better. But don’t ever let anyone see you hurting. Have a goal you want to accomplish? Stumble and bumble your way through until you figure it out, but don’t ever, ever ask anyone for help.

However, according to Maxwell, “most stubborn problems persist because of unseen or overlooked influences that are keeping us stuck. Once we see them, we can change them. However, if we don’t see them, we’ll remain stuck.”****

And if you are like me operation on cruise control most of the time; how do you start to discover all the influences holding you back from changing?

According to Dr. Sophie, enlisting help is a factor to ensuring you can successfully change a habit. “Accountability is a critical factor in the success of personal change and growth. Set up regular times for a friend to check in on you and your progress. Tell them about the barriers you think may get in the way of change. Sharing with a friend will spur you into action and help keep you going when times get tough — which they inevitably will.”**

So yesterday, as I was berating myself for yet again losing focus and daydreaming instead of working on my writing project, I had an epiphany. Changing in isolation isn’t possible for me. Thinking I can will myself to magically change a habit I held for over 30-years is something I am not capable of doing.

I mean it is the reason there are groups to help people stop drinking, eat better or learn a new skill, right? Because we all need someone point out the obstacles we don’t see, motivate us when times get tough and remind us that we aren’t failures if we slip up every now and again.

So why are we crazy when it comes to changing our personal habits? Why do we think we can change the way our brains work on our own? Why do we think if aren’t perfect right away that we are complete failures?

According to PhD Kathleen Smith, “If you can learn to cope with change, you’ll lower your risk for anxiety and depression. Your relationships will flourish, and your body will feel healthier. But if you can’t cope with change, only a minor amount of stress can make you feel overwhelmed by life. You might also struggle to set and meet the goals you have for yourself.” ***

I am ready to accept that I can’t, and shouldn’t expect, to change my habits on my own. I am ready to ask friends and family for help. I am ready to seek out others who have walked the path before me and ask for help. I am ready to become better at changing my life.

Life is too short to continue trying to prove we can change on our own; especially when it doesn’t really matter if we can or not. What matters is that our lives are fulfilling and happy — and that we maximize the amount of time we are doing this.

I am ready to be a better version of myself sooner rather than later, which means it is time to ask for help to change. I am ready to start doing so.

Will you join me?

References:

* https://drsoph.com/blog/2018/7/6/why-it-is-so-hard-to-change-the-neuroscience-madesimple

** https://drsoph.com/blog/2018/7/15/how-to-change-now-you-know-the-neuroscience

*** https://www.psycom.net/dealing-with-change

****https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2015/02/06/the-3-most-powerful-ways-to-change-people-who-dont-want-to-change/?sh=78a2c9b84111