How to Survive (and Thrive) in a Sexless Marriage
By: Mallory Joy
Tags: Anxiety, Sex, Family, Mental Health, Depression

Avoid comparisons.

Social media can be a terrible thing when it comes to mental health and wellness: for those struggling with the illness and for those who are dealing with the repercussions.

So often, I find myself on Facebook or Instagram, looking at all of the cutesy, lovey-dovey pictures of my friends, and I catch myself in the comparison trap. I find myself wishing I had a partner or a spouse that did this, this, and this differently.

The problem is that when I do this, I am actually changing my partner in my mind into someone he’s not.

Mental illnesses affect people in different ways, particularly if they are long-term, lifetime struggles. My husband is the way he is because he struggles with depression and anxiety. Some of his personality quirks and the things I love about him are a direct result of his struggles.

When I catch myself comparing, I have to go back to those early days when I fell in love with him. I have to remember the things I love about him and the things that are so endearing about his personality and the things he finds important.

Remember why you married your spouse or began a relationship with your partner. Love them beyond the labels they carry. Every relationship is different.

Recognize that you can’t fix the problem.

This might be one that has been the most difficult for me to navigate. I am a fixer. I love to fix people’s problems. However, it’s very frustrating when I feel like I can’t figure out a solution.

With my husband, I find myself constantly trying to “fix” him.

I am constantly giving him suggestions for things he “should” do, parroting things I’ve learned in my own therapy sessions for anxiety, not realizing that I’m not helping, but actually hindering the process. My husband sees an amazing therapist, but when I try to “fix” him, I take that role of “therapist” onto myself. It’s really not the way it should be.

My role is to be a spouse, a wife, a lover, and a support. That’s it. Leaving the “fixing” to the professionals.

There is nothing sexy about being your partner’s therapist.

Take this time to focus on YOU.

It’s crucially important to make sure you take time for self-care, not only when things are good, but especially when things get challenging. Burn-out and caregiver fatigue is a real thing. Consider seeing a therapist for yourself if time and money allow.

In addition, make sure to do things for yourself. Do things that give you life and bring you joy. Go to the gym. Get a manicure or pedicure. Go for a walk with the dog. Take a mental health day away from work (and preferably spend it away from home or away from the source of the fatigue). Read an entire book in a day.

Even if you have other responsibilities, like children or pets, and don’t have time for a full day to just focus on yourself, even small amounts of time can bring levity and lift.

During this time, if you are feeling like your sexual needs are not being met or fulfilled, turn the focus onto yourself. Explore your own body and your own interests. Develop your own sexual identity if that’s something you’ve never done before.

A healthy solo sexual identity is a crucial part of a healthy sexual partnered relationship.

When you understand what feels good to you, it’s easier to communicate that to a partner. It also is a chance to really show yourself some self-love and self-care.

Discover what makes you tick during this time! It’ll make your partnered experience that much richer later!

Support your significant other in both tangible and intangible ways.

There’s a reason those vows you said probably included something involving “in sickness and in health.” Life happens. Things don’t go the way we plan. In these weeks and months, find ways to support your partner.

Validate their feelings. Acknowledge the work they are doing in the therapy office. Do things around the house to help ease the burden. Snowblow the driveway. Mow the lawn. Do the laundry. Bring them flowers. Empty the dishwasher.

Do it without resentment, knowing that what you are doing can bring a little levity to their life. Little things can make a big difference.

Know your role. Be the best lover, supporter and sympathizer you can during this process.

Remember this is not a permanent state you are living in.

Unlike what the media portrays as a “typical” marriage/relationship, real life experience is full of ups and downs. Just like those weeks and months where sex was the only thing on either of your brains, there will be weeks and months where it is the last thing one or both of you are interested in.