Help! I’m Being Shot At By The Opposite of a Money Cannon!
By: Simon Black
Tags: Political Satire, Trump, Humor, Poltics, Joe Biden

Help! I’m Being Shot At By The Opposite of a Money Cannon!

As young conservatives go wild in Mar-a-Lago, young liberals suffer and frown in the banquet hall two doors down. Simon Black Follow Dec 22, 2020 · 4 min read

Here’s a video of the event hosted by Young Conservatives yesterday in Florida. It’s quite something.

I was at a separate event that night, at the Motel Six Banquet Hall, and it really highlights the difference between the two sides, liberal and conservative. At the Turning Point USA conference in West Palm, scantily clad babes shot good ole American currency into the cloud of young psychopaths for Jesus or whatever the hell the ideology of this group claims to espouse. And the kids cheered and grabbed money and went away richer and happier than they were before. A good time was had by all — let the poor eat cake, as they say!

At the event I was attending two doors down, hosted by Young SJW Liberal Triggered Fuckwads, they also brought out a cannon.

However, there was no money at this cannon. This cannon was stuffed with massive tax bills.

The ladies who manned this cannon weren’t scantily clad. No, they were respectfully dressed, as they informed us that we all had to pay and pay and pay.

“The Green New Deal is going to cost trillions of dollars,” they yelled at us. “If you want to save the planet, pick up some of these tax bills and start paying.”

Then the next respectfully dressed female stepped up to the cannon.

“Reparations ain’t gonna pay themselves,” she screamed. “If you want to end systematic racism, get out your wallets now!”

A woman in a nurse’s uniform was next.

“You want free health care for everyone including illegal immigrants?” she snarled. “Then pick up one of these bills and send in your money. Healthcare doesn’t grow on trees, you know. It costs money. Your money! Now pay up!”

Another really angry looking SJW was next.

“Socialism ain’t cheap!” she yelled. “In order to turn this great nation into a socialist hellscape, we need to totally kill the private economy and then pay everyone a lousy state wage while they live in horrific state housing? Ever been to Russia? Yeah, that’s what it’s gonna be. Russian style housing blocks. And toilet paper shortages!”

“Yay!” screamed the crowd of SJWs. They were so happy. They grabbed all their tax bills, and started in on a chant.

“Defund the police, defund the police!”

Unfortunately, that was the point when some masked robbers entered the banquet hall and demanded all their wallets, so the SJWs would not be able to pay any of the tax bills that the cannon shot at them.

“Someone call 911!” they cried, as the robbers went around taking their money.

“But wait, didn’t we just defund the police?” I asked.

“You’re right,” they said. “Here, take our money, criminals. You probably need it more than we do. It’s not your fault you became criminals. It’s our fault. Society stacked the odds against you.”

The criminals then punched them all about the head and face, and left the whole group crying and bleeding amongst their tax bills, white privilege and self-loathing.

When they all stumbled out of the banquet hall, beaten, battered and broke, they encountered some of the happy young conservatives leaving the Turning Point Banquet.

“Boy,” they said to themselves. “Those guys sure look happier than us tonight.”

“Yeah,” someone pointed out. “But don’t forget, come the revolution, we line those motherfuckers up against the wall first.”

“Oh yeah,” they said, recovering their spirits. The idea of murdering a bunch of bourgeoisie class oppressors cheered them right up.

“Wait!” asked one concerned SJW. “Are we hard line Che Guevara revolutionaries or cuddly climate-loving Greta Thunberg Swedish evolutionary socialists?”

Just then a 17-year-old Greta Thunberg appeared with an automatic rifle slung across her chest.

“Who you calling cuddly, bitch?” she snarled.

And between these two quite extreme banquets, in the Middle of the Road Banquet Hall that stood between them, Joe Biden and his friends were shooting a cannon filled with centrist pablum at a well-masked group of quite-civilized citizens, who hoped for the best for this great nation, but really, let’s face it, don’t believe in their product — at least not with the passion to the left and right of them.

Yes, things are coming to a head in the political struggle for the soul of this great nation. The words of almost exactly one hundred years ago could not be more relevant to this moment of cannons.

Turning and turning in the widening gyre

The falcon cannot hear the falconer;

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;

Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,

The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere

The ceremony of innocence is drowned;

The best lack all conviction, while the worst

Are full of passionate intensity.

So let’s all slouch toward Bethlehem this holiday season with a shape of a lion body and the head of a man, and a gaze blank and pitiless as the sun.

It’s been a shitty year, the very shittiest of years. Merry Christmas everyone. And happy New Year. Good luck to all! Here’s to the Second Coming!