Why having a boy means so much to me
By: Rachel Elizabeth Fraser
Tags: Loss, Baby, Redemption, Miscarriage, Rainbow

On the 22nd of June 2017 I gave birth to my beautiful little boy Levi Munro. It was on this day that the final pieces of the jigsaw of my heart were finished. Around 6 years ago I lost my first son and ever since it’s always felt like something was missing. I truly feel healed from the past but deep down I knew that a little boy was missing from our family. I was more than aware of the fact that we could never replace our first son but there was always a niggle in me that wanted to know what it would be like to love a boy.

If you have read an earlier post from me about my 2nd born, you’ll then understand why this birth experience felt redemptive. With my first child Scarlett I had to have a c section due to her being breach. With Belle my second who I talk about in my blog I experienced a very traumatic birth and I really struggled to bond with her initially as a result. Having had a miscarriage last year also just made me even more grateful that my baby was healthy regardless of it being a girl or a boy.

My husband was super cute and planned a really nice gender reveal for me . I had the midwife write down the sex of the baby and I gave it to my husband without looking at the gender. He then took me out for dinner and wrapped a present with a blue baby grow in it. I cried and cried ‘ is it really a boy’. I can’t even express the feeling of pure joy I felt. It was perhaps slightly tinted with reminiscence for Samuel our first boy.

A natural birth was important to me. I dreamed of having him in the water as for me the bath is a place I go to relax and to think about things. I started off labour on the Tuesday night and woke up knowing it could be a long time so I did the nursery run. At this time I used my tens machine ( a machine to help with pain) and had my children around as I laboured slowly all day. This continued right into Wednesday night and all of Thursday. The midwife was not convinced I would go myself as baby was lying in a weird position ,causing really painful contractions. At this time I was not progressing.

After being sent home we returned to the hospital to be checked not really having much hope for change. It was then that I decided to pray , and I asked God to help me to progress further than anyone expected. Unbeknown to me my husband was praying the same thing as he went to move the car. I was shocked when the midwife told me that she could not believe I had progressed so far and that I would give birth very soon. 2.5 hours later my little boy was born in the pool with just gas and air and a whole lot of determination. As soon as he was born I felt that gush of love and once again cried ‘ is it really a boy’ . This was so different to my last birth experience. When I looked at him I did think ‘ oh gosh I bet this is what Samuel would have looked like if he was born alive’ . This was important to me as I had always wondered what Samuel would have looked like.

I was so relieved to have no bonding issues and the feeling of a complete family was just the peace I needed. He is only 3 weeks tomorrow and I have already learnt so much about myself and things I need to really look into in my life. I realised I worry too much and that anxiety plays a big role in my life. The lack of sleep and busy days with my now 3 kids without my husband being off to help just filled me with feelings of inadequacy and I could feel the joy and blessing I was just given slipping away from me already. I just was not up for this after all this time of dreaming of the day of having my son.

Its so easy to let our thoughts that are more than often un true , to take over and ruin the golden moments in life. Worry will destroy the best of life and I simply wont allow that to happen to me. I have decided to take each day at a time and acknowledge that the sleepless nights and busyness of adapting to a routine with 3 kids is only for a short season. I will get through it.

I am also painfully aware that I don’t just want to get through the season but enjoy this tiny baby because it is my last. To do this I am taking one day at a time and choosing in the morning to start my day with positive thoughts that don’t allow room for the negative niggles. When all my kids are screaming for my attention at once I must remind myself that one day they wont need me and I may even miss the craziness and business of my home.

Sometimes dreams can take a while to work themselves into your life. For me my faith played a huge part in this process and I am so thankful to God for all that he has give me. I never thought 6 years later that I would be sitting here writing about having a little boy. I love my two girls and they truly delight my heart and I am excited to see my little tribe grow together.

(Originally posted on www.rachelfraser.co.uk in 2017)