The One Thing You Need to Thrive in Remote Relationships
By: Sara Kiani
Tags: Authenticity, Communication, Relationships, Work, Philosophy

Ditch filters — dare to be vulnerable

I used to work at a global corporation, at which I collaborated closely with a colleague about 1000 miles away from me. Let’s call her Bella. Our communication relied heavily on Skype; we chatted continuously and made several online calls throughout the workday.

Bella and I were under a lot of pressure trying to do our jobs while keeping our mutual stakeholders content, which was our main and shared focus. We bonded over work that was causing both of us a lot more stress and anxiety than we were used to. Bella’s outspokenness and humor made it a lot easier for me (as relatively introverted) to open up and find solace in sharing my true emotions and opinions (and experiencing some fun in the dysfunctional as well).

What kept us sane, collected, and productive was the proximity that had been established through frequent and honest communication.

Most of our calls started with therapeutic rants from at least one of us, but we always ended up covering for each other and solving problems together. Sometimes over screen sharing calls and sometimes over quick emoji-filled texts. When I was on the verge of losing grip, she’d be my rock — and vice versa. We were supportive of each other and productive, like a high-performing team.

Prior to that, we had only met once in person. I felt closer to her than I did with an organizationally close colleague, who was actually sitting right next to me.

Feed vulnerability with compassion

Here’s another example similar to compassionate colleagueship. One that particularly moved me earlier this summer, when an online networking event spontaneously turned into a real and raw discussion.

Not too long ago I joined a mentor program, with a group of twenty-ish mentors and mentees. We had only met up once for an introduction just a month before the pandemic had up-coming workshops put on hold or converted into online events. As a way to keep in touch in the meantime (and maintain the enthusiasm that had been built up from the only physical meetup), the organizers set up a casual video call with the mentees in order to collectively check in on ongoing mentorships and help us network online instead.

What I noticed a few seconds into the Zoom meeting (which I stumbled into 40 minutes late, after life got in the way), was that vulnerability from a single person opened up for an honest and productive discussion among the participants.

People may shy away from giving honest feedback unless they can express it as constructive criticism, but this was a place of support, skill-sharing, and encouragement. The other participants responded with compassion as if we picked up right where we left off from meeting physically for the first time.

This triggered a brainstorm of suggestions on how we could move forward with networking, supporting and encouraging each other in spite of the restrictions caused by the pandemic. It enabled the mentees to share experiences and influence the program going forward, while the organizers received valuable feedback. Win-win. At the end of the call, the organizers even acknowledged the unique kind of presence that we had experienced.

Because we were able to move past the general awkwardness of both networking and video calls, we managed to ditch filters and focus instead on mutual aspirations.