More Than One Marriage is Not Less Meaningful or Less Valid.
By: Brooke Meredith
Tags: Life Lessons, Marriage, Relationships, Culture, Love

More Than One Marriage is Not Less Meaningful or Less Valid.

And other common myths about romantic relationships…

image by Jeremy Wong from Unsplash.com

There are several misguided and inaccurate ideas about relationships and marriage in our culture that cause damage. Ones that frequently create expectations in relationships and marriage that harm more than they help.

We have this belief in our culture that a marriage (or any romance) must last “forever”…or else.

That if any romantic relationship or marriage ends, it is a “failure.”

That wedding vows are made to be stuck to, regardless of if the relationship no longer fits, or is not healthy or happy.

That a second or third marriage is automatically less meaningful than the first one, simply by means of it not being “the first.” That somehow, the ones that follow are less meaningful, less beautiful, or less valid.

These concepts and values are inaccurate.

These judgemental, misguided ideas serve at diminishing, invalidating, and taking away from the meaning, joy, and beauty that different relationships gift us with during our lives.

They also encourage people to stay in relationships that are no longer well-matched, healthy, or happy for unsound reasons.

Here are several prevalent ideas and beliefs in our culture, about romantic relationships and marriage, that cause way more damage than good.

Myth #1: A relationship or marriage must last “forever” to be successful

Plenty of long-lasting relationships and marriages are wildly mismatched, unhealthy, or unhappy. How is that a success? To remain in something that is not so good out of obligation, fear of judgment, fear of change, laziness, fear of the unknown, and a sense of duty.

There are a lot of people in enduring marriages and relationships that are routinely unhappy and unhealthy, though the relationship has “lasted.” This is not a success.

On the contrary, it is a failure to choose well, a failure to bravely let go of things that are not healthy or good fits for us, a failure to attend to one’s own health, and a failure to have a sense of personal responsibility for one’s own life. It is a failure of using the limited time we each have on earth to its utmost.

Myth #2: Any relationship that ends is a “failure”

That makes millions upon millions of failures all over the world then. Is it really that everyone is so bad at relationships? Or could it be that something is wrong, instead, with the black and white, all-or-nothing system we have?

Plus, what do we make of all the marriages that endure but are resigned, lacking vibrancy, are mismatched, unhealthy, or even unhappy? How are these successes just because they are “lasting”? (Hint: they aren’t).

Many human relationships will reach a natural endpoint. A moment when it is best that they part ways and continue on their journeys in different directions. This is normal. It is not a bad thing. It is healthy and even good. (Check out the book Necessary Endings by Dr. Henry Cloud for more on this topic about how culturally, we have been socialized to fear endings when in reality, the right ending is a great and crucial thing).

Seasons (summer, autumn, winter, and spring) move through cycles. Jobs and careers evolve, peak, and conclude. Friendships in our lives, some of them last for decades, and many others (including fantastic ones) drift apart. Romances (good ones and not-so-good ones) may last for months, years, or even decades, and then at some point, they can reach a natural endpoint.

Endings are part of life.

A romantic relationship that teaches both people in it significant things, that adds to each person’s life, that brought joy and love to both people’s hearts, that was generally good, that was meaningful and memorable, this might end at some point and is absolutely not a failure for it.

What is a failure? Staying in something that no longer fits or is not healthy or happy, out of fear, shared history, guilt, comfort, or laziness.

Things happen in relationships that we could not have predicted. Dealbreakers arise that were not there before, since people’s goals and dreams change over the course of their life. We have no idea, over the journey of our life, who we will meet. Someone might decide they no longer want kids, while the other person yearns for them. One person might ache to travel the world, while the other person has no interest.

A relationship can end and this has nothing to do with the amount of love in the relationship, nor does it indicate a “failure.” Relationships end for many, many reasons. Sometimes it does indicate a lack of love or that a relationship wasn’t so good. And many other times, it has nothing to do with this.

On the contrary, relationships that were beautiful, good, and meaningful end all the time. An ending is not synonymous with failure. Many relationships will reach a natural crossroads or end. Some will not. A lot will. This is ok, it is normal, and it is healthy. It is an unavoidable part of the human experience and of relationships. And it does not mean failure. That is like saying that “because my life will eventually end, it was pointless, for nothing, and a failure.” Something ending does not mean it was a failure. Not even close.

Myth #3: Wedding vows must be stuck to or else you are a moral failure

Quite the opposite. In his incredible book, How To Be An Adult in Relationships by David Ricco, one of the best relationship books I have ever read (and one I have recommended to many people, some of whom say this book changed their life), David talks about how truly emotionally healthy, mature adults let go of relationships that no longer fit. Relationships that have reached their natural endpoint or those which are no longer healthy or happy.

Wedding vows or not. Kids or not. Years of shared history or not. Emotionally healthy, mature people let go when it no longer fits or is good.

People who are immature and not emotionally healthy remain in relationships that no longer fit, or those which are not so happy or healthy, out of fear, guilt, laziness, denial, shared history, and comfort. Thus, letting go at the right moment is the opposite of failure.

Myth #4: A second or third marriage is less meaningful than the first one

Not even close. This is like saying that every love which follows the “first love” isn’t as good, simply by means of it not being “the first.” This is silly and simplistic thinking.

Why do we consider the first marriage the most meaningful, the most special, while any that follow are seen as less than? (I’ll tell you why in Myth #5…)

As a culture, we are incredibly closed-minded, black and white, and narrow in our views about love, marriage, and romantic relationships.

How about, instead, this concept and possibility? Someone can get married and have a meaningful, deeply loving, beautiful relationship with that person. This relationship reaches an endpoint. It is no longer healthy or a good fit. Because one or both of these adults are mature and emotionally healthy, they make the heartbreaking but right choice to end their marriage. Then, each of them moves on. They both meet someone else with whom they form a meaningful, beautiful, loving relationship that is better fitted, happier, and healthier. They might or might not marry that person. Either way, it is not lesser than the previous one. It is a totally different love and thus, cannot be compared.

A wedding is beautiful because of the intent and love behind it. If someone experiences this with more than one person over the course of their life, it doesn’t invalidate or make any of them less than. Instead, it reflects a real human experience of love, growth, and change.

Every human being can, and often does have several meaningful, beautiful, valid romantic loves over the course of their life. And they might (or might not) marry one or more of these. None of them are less valid or less meaningful than the other, simply because one was first or second, or third.

The only thing that makes a wedding cheap, less meaningful, immature, and less valid is when people get married for the image behind it. The “look at me, look at me” type of wedding all about the Instagram posts, garnering envy and attention, showing off, and receiving gifts and recognition from others. Whether a first, second, third wedding doesn’t matter. Making a wedding about image, approval, and showing off cheapens and makes less meaningful all weddings and what a wedding is truly about.

Other than that, though, a second or third wedding is no less meaningful than the first, assuming that each wedding is loving, respectful, and is something decided on out of care and a degree of commitment (just like each romantic relationship in our life can be too).

Myth #5: Marriage vows are realistic

The reason we view any marriage after the first one as “less than” is because of our culture’s all-or-nothing, problematic marriage vows.

Marriage vows are too tall of an order. Marriage vows are promises that no person can possibly make, not in truth anyway. You cannot promise to love and remain a good fit with someone for your whole life.

Love? Yes. Remain a good fit? Not necessarily.

Why? Because you do not know what life will bring. What new goals and dreams each of you will develop, how each of you might change and grow, the people you each will meet, etc. Things happen that can change the course of a relationship and which are no one's “fault.”

More honest, less problematic marriage vows could then look something like this: “I love you deeply. I want to build a life with you. I promise to put all of my efforts into doing this with you, and if anything changes regarding this intent (on either of our ends), I vow to talk about it and do everything I can to work it out. I intend to build a life with you, I want this immensely, and I am going to work hard to invest in and actualize this. And if this changes, we will do the best we can to work through it.”

This is far more honest in terms of real human relationships. And vows like this reflect a realistic view of human love, connection, marriage, and relationships, as opposed to the too-tall, unrealistic, outdated vows we continue to use and which set up problematic expectations.

There are several ideas in our culture about love and marriage that cause problems in relationships. That causes too-high expectations, a sense of shame in our hearts (when there need not be), and which set us up for real failure (not the fake kind we are told is the case when a relationship ends).

It doesn’t have to be this way. Just because society and culture tell us something is the case, does not mean that is the truth.

Consider approaching and thinking about your relationships, marriage, and romances differently, maybe more in line with the ideas above, and you might notice a change for the better in your relationships, as well as, in your life.