“Abuse”
Tags: Domestic Violence, Mental Health, Religion, Family, Poetry

I used to write

Poems about domestic abuse

In middle school

The topic kept coming back to me

I could feel it

With such intensity

As if I’d seen it first hand

I wrote in such a fevered state

The words burned into my teachers

The thought that I was in a broken home

Filled with broken things

Holes in the wall

Angry, shrilled yells filling the air

Leaving no room

For me to breathe

I was utterly confused

I had the greatest mother

The greatest Nana

I didn’t want for anything

Days filled with ice-cold sprite

Humongous ice cream cones

Fun video games and toys

Huge Sunday dinners

Feeding a community of stray cats

Movie marathons

Special Victims Unit

Was a tradition

My home wasn’t broken

My home overflowed with love

Now I know why

Why I could write like that

Why I could create tears

On the faces of many

Why they called Child Protective Services

My Nana almost went to jail

Did you ever give my mom a black eye?

A split lip?

Did she have to hide and suffer in silence?

How can I write such painful things

And feel like they’re memories

Memories locked away

For my own safety

I wrote

And I wrote

Then I wrote some more

About abuse

And love that couldn’t have been love

In the first place

As early as fifth grade

Up until today

I can feel her sadness

Her pain

It flows through me

It knocks me to my knees

It steals my oxygen

I can’t breathe

DID YOU HIT HER?

DID YOU?

Did you take that knife and run it across her womb

Where I was growing

Your own fucking son

Was fighting for his life

And you were helping the angel of death

You’ve been on the enemy team since before

I could see the ceiling and wonder what it was

Did you touch her?

Force her to please you?

Why does rape send a killer chill down my spine?

Why does it make me ready to become a murderer?

When it only simply angers everyone else

Makes them spit out vague apologies and shock filled babbles?Why does it make me want to spring into action so easily?

Was it you?

Did you force her

Like that girl forced me?

What pushed you sooo low

That you looked my beautiful mother in the eye

And called her a worthless mutt

An ugly cunt

That no one else would ever want or love

I loved her with everything that I had

And you -

You’ve been right there

Hugging me

Kissing me

Claiming you love me

Walking me around in the stores

At the carnival

Fingers intertwined together

Me trying to keep up with your long strides

Waiting for you to look down

And give me the smile I found comfort in

Knowing you were this close to killing me

Before I got to take my first breath in the world?

You’ve been right there

Bragging about how

Brilliant I am

How much I’ve overcome

How much I’ve accomplished

Despite everything

As if you helped

I didn’t even know you couldn’t read

Until I bought you that home improvement magazine

You’ve been right there

Telling whoever would listen

That I’m yours

Knowing that I was going back to my mom

Later that day

The one who raised me until she took her last breath

You didn’t even want to buy me clean diapers

Didn’t care if I went hungry

Or sat in my own shit

Didn’t even want to give us $1000

Out of your $30,000 disability settlement

I was a baby

A kid

I loved you anyway

I actually wanted to live with you

God, I’m so stupid

So naive

You sat in my graduation

In my mom’s seat

Knowing you didn’t do a damn thing

But give me your demons

Your nightmares that became true

I wonder if you looked into my baby eyes

And hoped I’d turn out just like you

I used to write about abuse

Vividly, Brilliantly

As if I’d experienced it myself

Now I write about abuse

Just as vividly if not more

Thanks to you

P.S.

I’m nothing like you

I’m a spitting image

Of my phenomenal mother

I am her son