Chapter 35: Mind The Business That Pays You
By: Dartanya L. Croff
Tags: Anger, Sadness, Men, Mental Health, Heartbreak

Chapter 35: Mind The Business That Pays You

(Painted this picture at my friends birthday celebration at 'Painting With A Twist.)

So it’s been a few days since my last blog. I needed a moment to collect my thoughts and really figure out exactly what I am doing. Fear not I’m still holding strong. My thoughts are all over the place so I’m just going to write everything so this may be a long blog.

Buckle up. Lets gooooooo.

So when I decided to stop having sex for a year, my whole point in doing is was really for a physical, mental, and spiritual change. The number 3 has been coming to me a lot lately and I just had to stop and take notice of it. Let me try and help you understand what I mean. When I was born I had a hole in my heart. My mama prayed about it and 3 days later the hole was gone. It took me 3yrs to get over an ex. 3 different men hurt me based on the same dynamic in the relationship. Between my siblings and I, there is 3 of us. Greysun was born in March. The 3rd month of the year. The world was shut down on March of 2020, again the 3rd month of the year. I’m just seeing 3 everywhere. And I took it as a sign that I needed to take a moment for myself. And with noticing all the threes, I got this feeling inside of me. A feeling that I had never felt before. I’m going to meet my husband this year. God started removing people and things out of my life and I started to feel better. So this journey thus far may have had its challenges yet overall day by day it gets better.

Now yesterday was the first day of my period and besides for feeling blah, today which is the second day… sis is cutting up. I’m hurting. Cramping. Craving everything. And extremely moody. Not to mention Greysun also got microchipped today and I’m trying to keep him calm because he can’t jump or play rough because the damn chip could travel. Yet people in this house aren’t listening. Which is another reason I can’t wait to move where it’s just me and him. Ain’t nobody trying to pay any of his bills. And then people want to question me about buying more food. Like what’s the problem, you ain’t buying it.

Again Mind The Business That Pays You will always be my life motto.

And that motto leads me into my next issue. Why is it that unstable men have everything to say about women and our business when these same men can’t get their shit together. I get sooo tired hearing garbage men speak on the rights women have been fighting for and yet these same men aren’t doing shit to help the fight. Not knowing that when a woman gets pregnant, every baby starts out as a female. So when men are called “Bitches”, it’s because the name fits. Men are just women who God was like, “You are far too fragile to be a woman and take on all that women have to do. So I’ll make you a man because that’s easier for you and your fragile emotions and fragile masculinity.”

The moment I started walking away from men who would trash talk women when they have no idea what it is to be a woman, is one of the moments that my power increased. Weak men only trash talk women they can’t control.

I realize I have a lot of anger inside of me and I need to release it. Normally creating art helps yet I’ve dealt with so much hurt and pain recently that everything is getting under my skin. I have no desire for a man. Non whatsoever. The thought of entertaining a man turns my stomach. Certain things I’m trying to process yet I’m having a hard time letting them go. I find myself praying over and over and over again that God punishes the ones that misused me and mistreated me the most.

I just need a little bit… a lot a bit of help.