Sexuality and the perils of the masculine
By: Pasang Dorjee
Tags: LGBTQ, Feminism, Gender Roles, Existentialism, Philosophy

Before you begin sifting through the paragraphs, I feel the need to remind you that no, this is not an “attack” on any of the “dude bros” out there. I will merely be concocting an account of how I personally have related to this idea of masculinity or “being a man”, and to what extent has that caused the detriment of my personal, as well as our collective consciousness.

I wasn’t necessarily picked on during my adolescent years (not blatantly), nor during college: all thanks to internalizing heteronormativity at a really early age. But it wouldn’t be right to brush off those instances where everyone around you starts emulating this distorted sense of pride in “being a man” and impel yourself to embody some truly ridiculous notions surrounding masculinity — and how that impacted my psyche. You start to develop a kind of hyper-awareness to your surroundings and a sixth sense regarding all the nuances in social settings. Whether it be dinner table talk, or just a normal hang out with “the boys” or how you would verbalize anything, the anxiety surrounding such random situations to not come off as slightly feminine in any way, used to be downright ridiculous. All of this sprung from my uncomfortable place of not being able to come to terms with my own sexuality, yes, but ultimately it stems from a life-long programming of gender essentialism that is ever-so ubiquitous and accepted.

Gender essentialism is the belief that a human being is either perpetually and intrinsically male and masculine, or female and feminine. It entails biological sex being the primary factor in discerning one’s gender. This idea has been discredited by feminists and gender theorists dating back to the 1960s and 1970s, because it has come at the perils of both men and women, but more importantly, it has caused grave harm to transgender, non-binary and gender non-conforming people. Our societies exploit the idea of gender essentialism as a rationale for upholding regressive and rigid gender roles and stereotypes. As a queer man, it is downright ridiculous, if not frustrating when people WANT you to look, sound or act a certain way to accomodate their version of what a queer person should be like. I don’t know if I should sprinkle confetti all over my face the next time someone says “oh but you don’t look queer?” — because thats what queer folks should do to qualify as queer now? On the flip side of this, however, I find myself encountering those people (men) who befriend me on the sole basis of me not “looking queer”. This is another massive problem that reinforces the idea of specific heteronormative ways that non-hetero folks adapt that are considered “acceptable”, and is done so mostly in a subtle way. And believe me when I say:, sexism, homophobia, gender essentialism or any problematic aspect of our society (you name it) works best when it is SUBTLE. It’s not necessarily that adopting “masculine” traits is intrinsically a “bad” thing, but the way it has historically been used to the detriment of women and queer people, primarily rooted in economic power struggle is what especially needs to be addressed.

The way in which femininity is universally considered as being secondary — passive, emotional, submissive, the “other” — is what has significantly contributed to this notion of a man embodying any of those traits as “emasculating”. This is a problem that affects men, of course, but the damage it does to women everywhere is severely dehumanizing. I know what some of you might be thinking reading up to this point — what in the post-modernist buffoonery is this dude going on about? Hold your horses and let me give you an example of how we have collectively decided man to be the default, and this is something we (men mostly) should acknowledge and collectively unlearn.

“A man never begins by positing himself as an individual of a certain sex: that he is a man is obvious.” — Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex

Think about how, especially in professional contexts, this ‘man as the default’ narrative plays out. Whenever you think of a police or a doctor, it becomes kind of a given that it’s a man, right? And if it isn’t obvious like I said, we still preface a woman doing the same job by calling them “lady-police” or a “woman doctor”. This seems harmless at face value, but there is always more than what meets our senses. When we reduce a person’s competence down to the gender they identify with, it instills a certain level of inadequacy and in worst cases, imposter syndrome, that primarily women, queer and gender non-conforming people have to wrestle with. I have had multiple friends confide in me regarding this, especially when they pursue the STEM field which is traditionally male-centric. When we instinctively assume that so-and-so job is done by men, we risk capable and qualified individuals feeling insufficient in their roles because there is always a “man around to do the job”. Our socio-psychological conditioning may try and discard this reality, however, the goal of this insidious nature of gender stereotypes is primarily to maintain power and economic hegemony over mainly women and queer people. This is a personal entry for a random blog that you are reading, so I don’t intend on being statistical. The point, nonetheless, is that stripping people away from their subjectivity breeds lack of self-autonomy, dysphoria, objectification (being treated as a means to someone else’s end) which ultimately maintains and perpetuates oppression (also, say hello to the institution of marriage *insert smiley face*).

“Everything that men have written about women should be viewed with suspicion because they are both judge and party.” — Poulain de la Barre

Comprehending this concept of what it means to be a man or a woman from an existentialist point of view, and how we as a species have simply relied on this binary to help us navigate our lives (and understandably so, to an extent), will help each of us unpack the harsh reality behind gender essentialism. It is a pernicious problem that has been ever so prevalent as though it is hammered into our brains, and has rooted itself in our subconscious. The key word there being ‘subconscious’, because a lot of the “problems” that stem from this patriarchal fabric of the world are not always done intentionally. It is the way things are done, no? A man is supposed to “suck it up, take responsibility, and put food on the table”. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong about taking responsibility — heck, the whole crux of existentialism is about personal freedom and responsibility. But it is primarily about acknowledging that our “existence precedes essence”, which means that the labels and the “meaning” that exist in the world is not inherent to us but we later inherit or create them through the socio-cultural context one finds themselves in. “One is not born, but rather becomes a woman”, as Simone de Beauvoir puts it.

“There is a good principle which created order, light and man.

And an evil principle which created chaos, darkness and woman.”

— Pythagoras

It is absolutely bonkers how boys are wired into believing the most absurd of things, like it is “less than” to associate yourselves with anything remotely NOT masculine. Even the most conventional of all scenarios such as listening to a female pop artist can be subject to all the nuances of mockery and criticism. First world problems, am I right? Many women are also complacent in accepting some of the stereotypical characteristics, unwittingly or not, and how they have to present themselves a certain way to fit the mold of what it means to be a woman. This doesn’t entail women having to question femininity altogether but that there often lies people in this spectrum of “womanhood” who start to patronize and perform moral grandstanding when other women do not necessarily fit into their perception of what it means to embody “femininity”. Once we realize the absurdity dressed up in machismo, and the “otherizing” of feminine traits, we can all individually and collectively attempt to unlearn a gazillion different things, and strive towards how we first define what it means to be human, rather than being fixated on what is between our legs and how that should dictate our life.