Letter to My Father
By: Nanette Schieron
Tags: Free Verse Poem, Poetry, Childhood Memories, Forgiveness, Poem

Letter to My Father

A free verse poem about forgiveness

The poet as a young girl

I kept the black and white photograph —

the sun was shining,

you in your bathing suit,

sitting on a blanket of summer grass,

holding three year old me —

I’m leaning away from you,

my face filled with distress,

my arms reaching for anyone but you.

the body speaks volumes

On every birthday I remember,

you told the story

of how you saved my life

when I was born.

In those moments, you smiled,

your face beaming

like the brightest of stars,

proud of having made me,

having saved me,

yet, I felt the shadow

of unspoken expectations.

I belonged to you

My childhood was

a jumble of confusion.

You guided our family

through the refugee years,

hard and hungry years.

When I was nearly six,

we flew in a silver plane

to the good life, to the land of plenty.

Your strong will and courage

brought us success,

but in the realm of tender family life,

you could find no peace,

breaking our spirits one by one.

Nothing could fill your empty cup

You tried to force what cannot be forced —

embracing me so tightly,

I felt I would choke.

If I squirmed, you squeezed harder,

if I turned to stone,

you called me worthless.

I feared you would devour me,

your appetite never stilled.

You broke my trust

You could be so brutal

with your words,

with your eyes,

brutal with your hands.

And sometimes you could be

as kind as a doe caring for her fawn.

When I was deathly ill at ten,

you were at my bedside day and night,

nursing me with such singular devotion,

but if I laughed too hard at dinner, or

spoke too excitedly with friends,

more than once,

I felt your cold steel stare

and that long-fingered hand

sting my innocent cheek.

You broke my heart

I wanted to believe in you

as children do,

wanted to trust you, to love you.

I never, ever felt safe

I forged a passive rebellion,

denying you what you wanted most:

my love, my devotion and admiration —

I felt fear, felt rage,

I wanted to flee,

but there was nowhere to run.

I became compliant,

invisible, never asking

or wanting anything from you.

It made no difference,

you took the key, unlocked my door,

you would find me,

I was yours.

It was monster love

On your deathbed,

you looked so weak, so small,

no longer able to speak or move.

The poison had drained from your soul.

I held your life in my hands,

the tables were turned —

yet,I could not say, “I forgive you.”

My heart was frozen

After your passing, I finally felt safe

to find meaning

amidst the legacy of fear

and confusion you left me.

I allowed compassion to enter —

understanding at last, that

you lived with a broken heart too.

Trying to heal it with force

was bound to fail.

I forgave you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight, on this, your birthday,

twenty-five years after your death,

I stand among the dying flowers

thinking of your lost chances

for redemption.

I gaze at the full moon,

her kindly face,

ever-luminous in the dark sky.

She watches silently

with her perceptive smile,

as we humans struggle

to make sense of this life,

with its lessons in love,

in loss and forgiveness.

You came to me one night

from the cobwebs —

humbled and wizened,

sitting on the edge

of the bed, patting my knee,

gently and whispering sweetly,

“take care.”

Those were the most unselfish words

you ever said to me.