Irrational. Emotional. Unreasonable.
By: Maddie Mcclouskey, She They
Tags: Bullying, Poetry, Emotional Abuse, Trauma, Narcissism

TRIGGER WARNING: Narcissistic abuse, bullying, intimate partner violence, metaphor about drug use, metaphor about hanging.

Image from lyricslove.tumblr.com. Lyric by Lorde.

“You’re a little much for me. You’re a liability.” — Lorde

The simple yet arresting lyrics slow-dance with a melody that transforms from a hug into a noose.

If you have never been told that you are “Too much” or that your emotions are a burden to others, I simply do not trust or understand you. If you have never been discredited for expressing feelings and facts simultaneously, I am jealous and deeply confused.

I’m not saying the song “Liability” by Lorde is obligated to make you weep on a certain kind of day in order for us to be friends, but I’m also not not saying that.

For those of you who know me personally, I talk and write about narcissism and bullying a lot, because I try to turn my traumas into paper tigers to be played with. I pin down my experience and dissect it like a frog in a biology lab.

When I worked as a nanny, I overheard elementary-age, fairly popular girls repeatedly refer to one of their classmates as ‘Sensitive.’ I knew the little girl they were discussing; she was a delightful, kind, creative, and, yes, sensitive kid carrying the weight of experiences the girls discussing her didn’t understand.

But those kids used the word ‘Sensitive’ with the most distinctive tinge of predation. They used it the same way I remember different words from my childhood and adolescence.

Worrywart. Victim. Martyr. Melodramatic. Sick dog.

And my personal favorite, being cornered while crying, grabbed by the face, and screamed at:

“What is wrong with you?”

Narcissists and bullies alike seek out and weaponize sensitivity against their victims, which is part of why it is very common for folks who are targeted by bullies and narcissists as children also to be targeted by them as adults.

Unfortunately, most children who are bullied are told by adults that they should just ignore it, that it’s normal, and that it will go away on its own.

It doesn’t go away in childhood or adulthood. The face and flair may change, but the objective of the bully-narcissist remains the same: They see your brokenness, your tiredness, your desperation, and they want to use it as fuel to turn you into a hollow machine whose sole function is to make them feel powerful.

Artwork by David Garza for Vulture. Lyric by Fiona Apple.

“I wasn’t afraid of the bullies, and that just made the bullies worse.” —Fiona Apple

When you recognize that a bully or narcissist’s behavior is wrong, it ignites the most apropos buzzword of the last five years. Say it with me: Gaslighting.

Recently, I joked with a friend that I wish I could add the phrase “Being Emotionally Abused” to the special skills list on my resumé. Here’s my tutorial:

Befriend a charming, gregarious, talented person who needs to be the center of attention. But that’s not enough! They have to believe that they are exceptional, infallible, and/or above the rules. Fall in love with them, at least platonically or in a familial bond. Make sure you really work for their approval. If they’re exceptional and they approve of you, that means that you might not be the defective piece of shit you’ve been made to believe you were since childhood. They’re going to show you a beautiful performance of the love you’ve always craved. Grow crookedly in the direction of their sunlight. Get trained like the sick dog you’ve been called. Become the thing they want. You are Tinkerbell, and their applause will keep you alive. The performance will end, as all performances do. But you will not be lulled out of the theatre with exit music or a chance to donate to Broadway Cares. You will be catapulted into a stifling Queens studio apartment in the September summer, trapped with someone who you don’t recognize. Someone who mocks you or even puts their hands on your body, saying it’s to restrain you. Tap your toes along to the refrain of the song “You’re Crazy.” Some verses sub in a different adjective, like ‘Depressed,’ ‘Irrational,’ Emotional,’ ‘Unreasonable,’ ‘Too much,’ and, of course, ‘Sensitive.’ The bridge of the song, includes a lyric along the lines of “I have been so good to you.” Because that’s what people say when they’re actively being so good to you. Brace yourself for the one-two punch of being called crazy and emotional. This is what happens when you try to stand up for yourself or ask what warranted the mockery, the disparaging remarks, the hostility. If you try to defend yourself or show any anger or frustration , you’re going to be accused of being the abusive one. Also the chorus of “You’re Crazy” will come in for a reprise. Memorize the choreography of their threatening saunter toward the door. They will dangle the possibility of abandonment in a lofty arabesque. You will try a grand-jêtée to block their exit, dizzy from the heights you’re willing to leap to keep them. You’ve been getting so high off the fumes of their past approval that you’ve lost the memories of life before them. You hold on as tightly as you can. You need to. It’s time for your monologue. Apologize for how crazy you are. You will become a beautiful writer with the precision of the Designated Driver soberly playing darts in a suburban sports bar. Not only will your apology convey your desperation, but it will also say just the right things to bolster your bully-narcissist’s ego. You will be granted a night of uncomfortable sleep once they are too tired to bat your feelings around like an ungroomed cat pawing at a wounded mouse. Give gratitude for the abundance that appears after that restless night. Maybe it’s tickets to a Broadway show, affection, a connection to a job, public praise, that new laptop you’ve needed, or maybe even a surprise puppy! Look at how loved you are. They really are so good to you. See, you really were crazy. The abundance runs dry. You’re catapulted back into claustrophobic, warped denigration, but this time you don’t fight back. This time, you tell yourself that you’re blowing things out of proportion. This time, you find a tiny corner, curl up on the floor, and try to sleep it off.

After all, you’re just sensitive. You’ll be fine.