My Culture Hat
By: Funmi W Dokunmu-Da Silva
Tags: Cultural Change, Parenting, Culture, Life, Parents

Needs A New Brim And Crown

Photo by Carrie Beth Williams on Unsplash

I grew up in an authoritative culture where anyone in authority had to be honored irrespective of whether such a person was honorable or not. The culture was such that one’s parents were not solely responsible for your development in life, but equally so were uncles, aunties, grandparents, family friends, neighbors, teachers, headmasters/headmistresses, principals, postmaster, etc. Practically, the whole village had a part in your life outcome. With so many shoulders to lean in, it is taboo for a negative outcome. The cliche of Proverbs 17:35 was the dread of any mother whose child was deemed a black sheep of the family. I often wonder why the mother had to be responsible for the ugly outcome. Why not the father or, better yet, why not both parents?

But despite the village, the unexpected occasionally happens that compels well-meaning parents to ponder what they did wrong to deserve the wayward rebellious son/daughter who departs from “accepted” norms. Or the frustrated daughter/son gasping in regrets while living in a depressed, unloving environment and wishing s/he was never born. This is because the culture was more a “do-as-I-say” and not a “do-as-I-do”. It sends the wrong message to the emerging leaders whom the culture was supposed to protect and groom.

To say that times are changing and, that times have undoubtedly changed, is an understatement. One becomes obsolete if one resists change and chooses to hold on to old traditions. It’s the 21st Century! Can you imagine anyone still roaming the streets today carrying the first generation mobile phones?! Compared to today’s mobile phones, the first generation ones were monsters in size and probably not as efficient. At their debut though it was all we had and no-one thought the size was a problem. But times have changed and are we glad!

“Be the change you want to see.” — M. Gandhi

So, as with the first-generation mobiles so it is with cultural changes and authoritative parenting ought to change. What was acceptable then is obsolete now. My recommendation is that the culture begins to embrace collaborative parenting styles. Of course, a parent wouldn’t hand-over the keys of their new Ferrari to a 16-year old who just passed his/her driving test; even if that’s the only car in the house, right?! Wisdom is surely required as well as setting boundaries.

In the culture that I grew up in, children went to college and studied what the parents imposed on them partly because the parents thought they knew best and, at 18, how many children know their left from their right hand? It might have been justified that the children were neither allowed to complain, argue, nor offer suggestions in their studies. The sons/daughters graduate and enter fields completely different from what their diploma reads. This is a common phenomenon that cuts through race and culture. I recently had a conversation with a young Asian guy who is caught in the web of trying to please his parents or pursuing his passion. His dream is to own a fashion boutique empire but he’s at one of the UC’s pursuing Accounting. If he changes to Fashion Designing, he jeopardizes his education and forfeits funding! What advice would you give such a person? Both courses are demanding. I share this example to buttress the fact that the authoritative parenting style is not limited to one culture or race.

To every rule, however, there is always an exception. The exceptions were the few households that encouraged their children and practiced participatory parenting styles.

In the culture that I grew up, there are numerous graduates of medicine and law, for example, who never practiced but are now ardent businessmen/women. Why pursue those years of grinding only to lay the diploma aside to gather dust? Can parents help steer their sons/daughters in the path that they ought to go without forcing their wills? I believe that society will be better for it.

Photo by Prince Akachi on Unsplash

I grew up in Africa; the second largest continent in the world.

What part? I’m glad you asked! You must be one of the few who knows that Africa is a continent, much like North America or Asia.

I grew up in West Africa.

Again, where exactly? “I know that there are 18 counties in West Africa.”

I grew up in Nigeria! There you go! Nigeria, the country with the largest population in Africa.

Yes, Nigeria has changed from the day I left decades ago, but Nigeria still has a long way to go culturally, socially, mentally, technologically, educationally, etc. Yes, Rome was not built in a day and, neither was the United States of America, right? But we have to be willing to want to change in order to be globally competitive and relevant. Are we ready?