Please, Don’t Stop Loving Me.
By: The Lost Prince
Tags: LGBT, Mothers And Sons, Life Lessons, Dreams, Acceptance

Mother, I feel like I need to tell you something, something you’re not going to like. I want to spare you so bad from this burden. I’ve held out for as long as I could. I thought maybe I can last forever without telling you. But I can’t anymore. It’s starting to slowly tear me apart. I don’t think I can keep sacrificing a part of myself like this. I love you so so so much but I’m hurting too. I’d give my life for you in a heartbeat. So it hurts me to know what this will do to you but I’m being torn apart not being able to me. I want you to know I’m still the same person I’ve always been. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but that’s beside the point.

Mom, please forgive me. I want you to know I’m still your son. I’m still me, just with this secret. Mother, I like guys. Please forgive me! I’m so sorry! You have no idea how much it breaks my heart for you to think of me like this. I know you’re hurting. But please don’t stop loving me. Please, please, please let me still be your son. I can’t live without you. Please I’m still me. The same person you raised. The same son that loves trucks, cars, and motorcycles. The same son that loves his photography. The same son that knows you are the best mother in the world. I just want to be me fully. Maybe be able to find someone being able to be me at full capacity.

I don’t care what the world thinks. That has never been the issue. I could care less how the world sees me. I don’t care what my family thinks of me. Not one single opinion from them. Not one, but you. I only care what you think and feel. I know it’s not good. But please, don’t stop loving me. That will kill me. And I can’t live without you in my life. My heart hurts just thinking of what this is doing to you.

I guess a part of me has always known. I’m half. Split in two. I thought maybe it was just a phase like everything else, but twenty years later it is still here. I tried maybe finding someone that will make me happy. That you can be proud of. But the truth of the matter is, girls have always hated me. They’ve hurt me at their own personal enjoyment. They’ve been cruel to me ever since I was a little boy, always picking on me, making fun of me. Always with the, “Eww, why him?” Maybe that’s why I may have a misogynist piece inside of me. They’ve treated me like shit forever. Guys have always made me feel safe. Being around other guys, I felt the safety. They’ve always accepted me for me. I feel happy. I feel safe.

I’m so scared for you to know. Just because I hate myself for breaking your heart. I really don’t know what the future holds. I’m still me. I’m still a boy. I’m still a man. I still love trucks, how to labor with my hands. I still keep my masculinity. I still feel like a man. I still love work boots, my jeans, and my cut up t-shirts. Still enjoy my caps all dingy and faded. I still enjoy being scruffy. I still want to be a good father. Teach my kids how to be a man. Because I still am one. I would not trade that for the world. I still aspire to be a king. But it’s just that, I’m simply a guy that likes other guys. I’m still me.

I love you so much, you have no idea. My greatest fear as a child was to lose you. And now that fear is back. I know I’ve fucked up pretty much my whole life. I’ve tried to be a son you can be proud of. Please don’t make me choose between my happiness and yours, because I will always choose yours, I always have. I just want to be free. Please, God oh please, Mom, just don’t stop loving Me.

- A Fallen Prince