How I Date As A Demisexual
By: Shannon Ashley
Tags: Love, Dating, Sex, Culture, Life

So, I'm a demisexual. And recently, Emma Austin expressed an interest in knowing more about how I go about dating while demi.

According to Dictionary.com, "Demisexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by only experiencing sexual attraction after making a strong emotional connection with a specific person. A demisexual identity is a useful indicator for where a person might fall on the asexual spectrum."

I am upfront with everyone.

It's right there in every one of my dating profiles: demisexual. Along with a note about how I typically feel zero attraction to a stranger's penis, so dick pics are futile until I'm genuinely interested in the man attached to the appendage.

Yes, prospective matches still send me unsolicited dick pics. Or they jump into sexual questions right away.

I don't even respond to those messages. Just hit delete.

I insist upon taking my time.

Remember the days of old-school online dating? Before Tinder and any other mobile app? That's definitely more my style.

Online apps have encouraged more people to sext first, and get acquainted later. I always explain that I'm not able to do that.

Instead, I need to text or email, and use phone or video conversations to get to know each other first. Then, decide if we even want to meet.

It feels logical and natural to take my time and save us each a headache in the process. But for many people, going slow until I know how i feel is a headache.

When I do feel a spark, I explore it.

Demisexuality for me, means that feeling an early spark with someone new is rare. The last real-life spark I felt was when I first began talking to Mister Atlanta, almost 3 years ago. There was a British guy shortly after that, but all of our interactions were online or over phone calls and video chats.

Before that, I sparked right away with my daughter's dad.

I've been through enough love and heartache to know that sparks are worth exploring. If anything, they remind me that I really can love again after a painful breakup. So, I have a rule to explore every spark. Well, the two-sided sparks, anyway.

Occasionally, I pick up on a spark which I suspect is one-sided and I typically do nothing with those because I see them as more infatuation than anything potentially real.

I'm getting better about acknowledging that sparks aren't everything.

Mister Atlanta and my daughter's dad have something in common that ultimately fractured both relationships. They both have issues with responsibility, and want to pack as much fun in their lives as possible.

Having fun is not an inherently bad thing. I too want to have fun. I love to travel and get out of the house for good food, great music, and whatnot.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of otherwise fun and creative men out there who are more than happy to leave women with all the work in their relationships. I've learned the hard way that I spark most often with ENFP men because we tend to share so many interests and passions.

But the spark isn't sustainable when the man can't handle the dull and mundane aspects of life and love. Or the fact that I'm a single mom. That spark sure fades once I realize I'm falling for somebody who thinks they're emotionally available when their carefree, man-child actions prove otherwise.

And when a relationship ends, I take time to grieve, if that's what I need.

I recently called it quits with Mister Atlanta, and it was pretty sad because we have so much fun together. Those sparks flew for a few years.

Even after he expressed wanting to try again, I realized that I would have to let go because we’re not in the same place.

As much as he talks about wanting a family and nesting partner, all of his actions suggest otherwise. And for 3 years, he's been unhappy with where his life is going, but never seems willing to do the work to build the life he wants.

It's not that he hasn't worked hard, because he certainly has and does. He's got a big deal job that allows him to travel frequently, a beautiful home in Atlanta, and a robust social circle. He makes great money... and joked more than once about how our combined income would be amazing if we got married.

But through all of his fun travels, tiki bar lifestyle, and complaints about his purpose and lack of family, I can't help but see a very sad man. Women love him. Plenty of women want to be his primary partner, but he skirts around emotional intimacy all the damn time.

I've had to process all of this over the past several weeks, and admit that this is pretty much what I do as a demisexual woman. I don't fall in love very often, but when I do, I fall for men with whom I share plenty of common interests and affection... but they aren't truly available.

And half the time, I don't think they even realize it themselves.

But... people still don't understand what demisexual means even after I explain it.

Even after we date, I can tell that most guys don't understand me as a demi woman. When I finally fall for someone, it's deep and intense. When our relationship ends, it can take an incredibly long time for me to finally feel like I could be interested in a new man ever again.

If you've ever heard anyone say that after dating a certain man, they felt like all dicks were ruined forever? That's not always a physical remark. In fact, it might be a demisexual talking.

Sexual attraction isn't really on the table until we're halfway in love. And when that person is removed from our life, it can feel like we'll never want to see another penis again.

Guys often think I'll change my mind.

Dating while demisexual can be particularly exhausting because some men say they understand what I'm like, but seem to think they could change my mind. As if I'd suddenly forget my need for connection and want to fuck their brains out just... because.

When that doesn't happen, they express their frustration and I wind up feeling duped. They may feel like I led them on because they didn't believe me in the first place when I was upfront about needing to connect on a deeper level.

These guys are usually dishonest about what they want, but they may be lying to themselves. Or they might say all the things they think they're supposed to say just to get under my skin.

Dating while demi is a bit of a minefield today.

I can't help but think that Tinder went a long way to destroy online dating for us demisexual folks. Men and women alike now expect strangers to decide with seconds whether or not they're romantically interested in some stranger.

That's just not how we function.

It's not as if a demi person never experiences shallow crushes or infatuation. We do, but it's not based on physical appearance. In my case, it happens when I'm attracted to a man's depth and kindness. Sometimes his writing and voice. Yes, I'm a sucker for accents.

Those things can make a man attractive to me even if I don't actually know him.

Of course, some people pose as deep, kind, thoughtful, and woke... until you get to know them in real life.

So, like everybody else on the planet, we've got our own blind spots about love.

If somebody tells you that they're demisexual...

First of all, please believe them. It will save so many headaches (and heartache) for everyone involved.

Resist the urge to change them or somehow convince them to make a quick decision about whether or not they are attracted to you.

Give them time to get to know you, and give them something real. The best way to appeal to a demi is to show them who you really are and become actual friends first.

Quit pestering them about when or if they have caught feelings for you. I don't think most demis can explain every time they finally know they want to date someone. It's like a switch that gets flipped and if you give them time to let a connection grow, they will tell you when they develop those feelings in return.

Honestly, if you take a demisexual at their word, and give your connection room to grow, you might make a very good friend. That's not a bad thing today.

Most of us could use more friends anyway.