How To Set Healthy Boundaries — A Compassionate Guide for Women
By: Julia Horvath
Tags: Mental Health, Patriarchy, Boundaries, Codependency, Relationships

Step 3: Define the Boundaries You Want to Set

Once I knew which specific area and people I wanted to work on first, I focused on those situations that were unacceptable for me and that I, therefore, wanted to change by all means.

It wasn’t hard to define these situations as they were on my mind constantly, and this was also the point at which I sought professional help from a psychotherapist.

Here are a few examples of the boundaries I defined for myself:

Physical/emotional boundary

Due to the harmful narrative I wrote about above, I suffered from chronically low self-worth when it came to romantic relationships.

For most of the time, I believed nobody would want me as their long-term, “serious” partner, and I figured sex and fun were all I was good for.

At the same time, I saw sexuality as a powerful weapon and a symbol of rebellion.

Consequently, as a matter of principle, I rarely said no to affairs and sex and sought it out even if I didn’t feel like it. It felt like it was all I could give and I wanted to be good at it so men could find value in me.

For most of my life, I didn’t have the courage to ask for commitment, let alone exclusivity.

I internalized the narrative of being a good affair and fun to hang out with, even though I longed for a committed partnership.

At the same time, due to the internalized voice of my mom, I was sure I couldn’t allow myself to be difficult as a woman, as nothing turns men off more than a woman who places demands on them.

Overall, my desired boundaries in this area were to

state and adhere to my desires and values: to not be afraid to ask for commitment and walk away if someone isn’t ready to give it to me (emotional);

stop seeing sex as a tool and say no to it whenever I don’t feel like having it. To not be afraid to disappoint and drive away men if I don’t want to have sex (physical boundary).

Mental boundary

For as long as she was alive, my mother was always right. This is at least the expression the whole family had. Her domineering intelligence, sharp opinions, and conviction about how things should be (all for better or worse!) left little room to form my own convictions.

Therefore, I was often insecure about how to make the right decisions and how to form my own opinions.

At the same time, I was highly susceptible to other people’s opinions, both about me and in general.

My desired mental boundaries were to…

not be afraid to form and voice my opinions. Rely on my own research, ethics, and intuition;

severely limit my attention to other people’s opinions about me, especially if they don’t know me well.

Emotional boundary

My parents’ reproach against me when I didn’t cry at my granddad’s funeral is a pointed example of how we frequently judge each other for how we feel.

We want people to be upset about something but stop whining about something else. We all place clear expectations on how people should feel in certain situations.

What I learned in therapy and my explorations of self-acceptance, however, is there are no right or wrong feelings. Our feelings and inner world are ours, and no one has the right to invade this space. Thus, we can be held responsible for actions that result from these feelings but not for the feelings themselves.

My desired emotional boundaries are

to accept all feelings without judgment;

to not allow others to comment on my feelings;

to not take it to heart when others comment or judge my feelings.

Most of all, I refuse to allow my and other’s feelings to be a subject of gender stereotypes. Strong feelings aren’t dramatic, but human and sadness and emotional pain aren’t reserved for women.

That said, I was sad when my grandfather died. A Catholic funeral just wasn’t the right setting to process and express my emotions.

Spiritual boundary

I grew up in a Roman Catholic family and had to go to church until I turned 16, even though I didn’t want to and tried to fight against it. Today, I have a repulsion against anyone forcing their spiritual beliefs upon me or others.

My desired spiritual boundary was to end the conversation whenever someone tries to convince me of spiritual practice or belief.

Example for a situational boundary & boundaries with people

My father and I have several things we sharply disagree on, and they range from wrongdoings of the past over politics to religion.

To argue with him about certain topics cost us both days, nerves, and tears while discussion rarely moved anywhere — both of us stayed deadlocked in our beliefs.

My relationship with my father was a big question mark for many years — I entertained the option of breaking off contact entirely but sought reconciliation just as often — neither of which worked.

After a lot of trial and error, therapy, and time, I arrived at a desired situational boundary I now set with my father. I keep in touch with him but don’t enter into any discussion, even when it’s compelling and even feels necessary.

This isn’t always the right way for everyone — discussions are healthy, and often it’s our duty towards ourselves and society to stand up for what we believe in. Nevertheless, sometimes the most compassionate thing to do for everyone is to not engage.

Thus, the necessary boundaries you’ll define yourself aren’t black and white. Each situation can necessitate different or even contradictory boundaries. Note how I both want to voice my opinion in general but disengage and stay silent when it comes to my father.

Therefore, it makes sense to look at several areas of your life and evaluate them separately.