What I Learned From Falling
By: Return To Your Wild
Tags: Pain, Returntoyourwild, Compassion, Holyweirdness, Hurt

One thing that I know about the body is that when you are afraid or hurt or in pain, the more you hold onto that pain, the more it’s going to hurt. So, what do you do? Soften into the pain.

This is a lesson that I have been having to learn the hard way. I’ve been suffering from the most intense feelings of grief and pain and hurt; mingled with bitterness, anger, resentment and jealousy. To me, these are the most painful of emotions and I understand why some people resort to drugs and alcohol to run from or numb those feelings.

I mostly feel it in my chest but it appears in other parts of my body, such as my hips and legs and feet. The enormity of those emotions come in gigantic sealike waves. I see it coming and I can’t stop it; so I brace myself and let it hit me — tossing, spinning, flinging me. I lay on the shore, spit out of the watery mouth, heaving, cold and spent.

Now, I could keep in this same loop; laying on the shore of those feelings while the foamy fingers curl me up and take me right back out into the blackness. I can’t let that happen. It’s easy to play the victim card and want a rescuer- someone to feel sorry for me and save me from the hard parts of life. No, I must do what seems so unnatural…soften into the pain.

Yesterday, I went for a short hike to run from the pain. However, we all know that that is impossible. The pain follows and is with us no matter how hard and fast and far we go. I walked through a wooded area and came across a stream. I sat down on the rocky bed and listened to the water go by and watched a heron wading nearby.

I thought about the Native Americans and how they managed grief. I thought about the birds calling in the trees. I got up from my perch, talked to the big bird and started making my way around and across the water. I was so careful where I placed my feet…until I wasn’t.

I started making my way across the stream with my heart so heavy that it added extra weight to shaky legs. I gazed down at a rock halfway into the water and thought it looked dry and safe and stepped onto it. You would have thought I had stepped on wet ice. Down I crashed on rock, coming down hard on my elbow and knee but managing to keep my phone out of the water. I was soaked, stunned and immediately started hurting…and it just wasn’t my heart!

I was more angry…but curious and noticed my muscles in my back, neck and hips starting to seize. Shoes sloshing and humbled, I walked back to the house and immediately peeled off the muddy and wet clothes; took inventory of my injuries, and slinked into a very hot shower and thought about my poor body.

What I learned from falling:

Soften into the pain. I immediately started trying to relax my muscles that were holding tightly around my injuries. That made space to heal more quickly. Oh how we want to protect our already wounded hearts but opening and softening allows the balm of space to fill those hurts.

Talk out loud to yourself. Since I was alone, I was talking to myself like I would a friend who had gotten hurt. I told myself that I was ok. I was asking myself what it was that I needed. I treated myself kindly and spoke softly. I rubbed oil into my own wounds.

Keep moving. Fix what’s broken (thankfully, I didn’t have broken bones) and then keep going. Small steps are better than no steps. Moving through the tightness and soreness allows more fluidity to your overall well-being.

Thankfully, I am still learning. I am still moving. I am hurting less. I also realize that if I am to be a true healer, I must experience what humanity experiences. I must learn to sit with someone in their pain, loss, hurt and sorrow. What better way to be able to show compassion than to move through those times myself. May I learn to love more through all of this.

Lynna Foster, Return To Your Wild

December 19, 2020