Growing Pains
By: Anna-Michelle Lavandier
Tags: Unemployment, Depression, Random Thoughts, Anxiety, Life Lessons

Photo Credit: Tess Mayer for The New York Times

How much more pain do I have to endure before I can find myself again? How long will it take before I don’t look at myself in disgust in the mirror? When can I feel like I’m worth something in my own eyes?

The struggle to overcome unemployment has me living week by week. The struggle to overcome the nightmares of the past that continue to haunt me has me living in uncertainty.

The constant questions within myself feel so chaotic. I never know if it’s me or the depression or the anxiety screaming for control of the day. Lately, I’ve been trying to hear that endless negative loop I’ve given myself for nearly 10 years.

“You’re a monster.” “You’re too stubborn.” “You’re too controlling.” “Look at you. No one wants someone like you.” “You look hideous. Do you even fit through the door?” “You’re so manipulative. Always trying to make things go your way.” “No one would want to put up with you. You always have drama.” “You’re too complicated.” “You’re so selfish.” “You’re worthless. It’s not even worth looking at you that way.” “Being with you is impossible. Who could be happy with you?” “Why did you say/do that? See? This is why no one wants to be close to you.” “You can’t do anything right? And you say you’re smart?”

All of these and more invaded my mind and silently took over, staying in the background. Yet its influence is not forgotten. It’s repeated day in and day out. Bringing it to the surface and pressing the stop button took so much of my strength. But what can I possibly replace it with? Positivity bounces off me as my heart is still in shambles, barely holding on. How can I better myself if I’ve filled my head and my heart with these damaging thoughts for nearly a decade?

On the outside, feeling helpless and useless as unemployment lingers isn’t helping matters much. Receiving rejection letter after rejection letter, what hope do I have? How can I learn how to have confidence or rebuild it if I’m stuck in unemployment limbo? Has all my hard work over the years been wasted? Am I really worthless now?

I don’t know. I’m still writing and writing and writing. I’m writing so I don’t lose my sanity. I’m writing to expel the negativity I’ve been working through. I keep writing so I don’t lose who I am.

I am a writer.

The pain keeps me writing. Happiness keeps me writing. No matter what I do, I need to keep writing.

This endless cycle has to end somehow. This isn’t the life I wanted. But now that I know that, what can I do now? I feel stuck and powerless to do much of anything.

Who do I possibly turn to? I can’t shake the feeling of frustration. How do you possibly have hope for a better future with this?

I don’t like this game of waiting and hoping and believing only to lead to rejection and uselessness. When can I get off and start improving myself an live the life I’ve wanted to live? When will the terrifying up and down stop?

All right, a repeated seesaw game. I try to put an end to it only now. All right, a boring seesaw game. Someone has to get off this seesaw. Though I can’t. Let’s not read each other’s face trying to figure out who’s going to get off or not. Let’s not drag it on and do as we please. Let’s now make the decision whether to get off or not. A repetitive seesaw game. Now stop.

“Trivia: Seesaw” by BTS