Six Sex Positions that Make You Look Slimmer
By: Christine Stevens
Tags: Sex, Sexuality, Weight Loss, Humor, Women

Six Sex Positions that Make You Look Slimmer

Have you put on pandemic pounds? Try these moves and he’ll never notice!

Let’s face it, ever since the gym closed you’ve been slowly putting on weight. Sure, you signed up for those Zoom HIIT classes. Let’s just say, they weren’t a HIIT. They were a FLOOP. And then there was hiking. Was being the operative word. You haven’t done it in months. Why? Because the trail’s far away and it’s hard and it’s boring and… alright, you admit it. You’re weak.

So now it’s time to have sex and you feel fat. That’s a first-world problem, can I just say? In the third world, women wish they were as fat as you. And by the way — you’re NOT FAT! That’s patriarchal oppression, sisters. This is the new woke world, and yet you’re still feeling self-conscious about that little belly, or those tiny cellulite bumps? Never mind. I’ve got just the thing. Well, six things — six ways to never worry about being fat in bed again.

6. The blindfold position

You tell him you want to get a little kinky. Put this blindfold on him. Oh yeah. This is like Fifty Shades of Grey. Now quickly get naked, and have sex with him. When it’s over, jump up and put your clothes on before he takes off the blindfold.

5. Face down position

Tell him to lie face down on the bed and tell him you want to give him a massage. Then, take your clothes off and lie on top of him and let him feel your body. If he feels something flabby, make a comment about these fluffy blankets to confuse him. And finally, give him a reach around, then get the hell out of there ASAP.

4. Lights out position

Tell him it’s sexier this way. Close all the curtains. If there aren’t any curtains, have some blackout shades installed immediately. Then when you can’t see a thing, rip each other’s clothes off. Be careful, you might end up having sex with the bedpost. Make sure that anything you put inside you is warm, fleshy and has a pulse. And is not the dog. Every once in a while you might want to use the flashlight on your phone to make sure you’re not humping his foot. Or go ahead, hump his foot if that’s what you’re into — who am I to judge?

3. Drunk and stoned position

Bring over a bunch of beer and a bunch of weed. Get him totally wasted. By the time you take your clothes off, he won’t think you’re fat, he’ll just think he’s seeing double. Only problem with this one — you might get thrown up on during sex. But at least you won’t look fat!

2. Wheelbarrow position

Yes, this is a really dumbass sex position, but here’s the thing — holding you in this pose is going to be extremely strenuous and make him out of breath and dizzy. You can ensure that he won’t be able to see much of you by squeezing your thighs together and prevent him from inhaling. The idea is to stop a sufficient amount of oxygen from reaching his brain so he won’t be able to tell if he’s having sex with a human being or an actual wheelbarrow. But don’t squeeze too tight or you’ll kill him.

I mean, that’s just common sense.

Oh, and you know what’s even more common sense?

YOU’RE NOT FAT!

Don’t be a cotton-headed ninny muggins! And even if you are fat, don’t you know, dudes like a little somethin’ to grab onto? And I’m not talking about wheelbarrow handles. I’m talkin’ bout love handles. And so we come to number one.

1. The enough position

You’re are ENOUGH! Just the way you are. You’re perfect! Well, alright, maybe not perfect. But you’re perfect enough!

Now, if you combine that saccharine self-help doozie with the preceding five positions, I guarantee a good result.

Just be warned, if you try to have sex in the wheelbarrow with the lights out while facedown, drunk and blindfolded but feeling really, really accepting about yourself just the way you are, don’t be surprised if you tumble out onto your ass.

Hopefully, you’ve gained ENOUGH pounds to cushion your fall!