Why I’m Thankful For 2020
By: Emerald Barnes
Tags: Personal Growth, Personal Essay, Global Goals, 2020, Mental Health

How 2020 Exposed The Truth About Me, Myself, And I

Quarantine has been fairly easy for me because I’m a homebody, however, not having the option to leave slowly chipped away at my sanity. All I could think about was that this was supposed to be my year. A reset button for my life but instead I became trapped in the darkest corners of my mind. As I began to snap and defend myself from the accusations of those around me I realized that I had a lot of unresolved emotions.

This revelation sent me down a path to mental clarity. Every week I would read a new self help book seeking to find the answer to my overwhelming anguish. It wasn’t until I read the book Love Me, Don’t Leave Me by Michelle Keen, psyd, that the full picture became apparent. I have a core wound that lives in a fear of abandonment and betrayal.

Growing up I never felt like people loved me for me, rather they were in love with their idea of who I should be and that made me take on the role of actress to appease people I valued. From a young age my mother’s father refusing me in public but embracing me in private set the broken foundation of unworthiness and abandonment that continued to replay itself in my adult years.

This year taught me how imperative it was to uplift myself and allow myself to use my voice without fear of rejection from those I value. It taught me that some people aren’t meant to walk through life with you and that it’s not my job to be everything to everyone at all times. For the first time I can confidently express what I need and expect in relationships without fear of losing the relationship. My feelings matter and should be considered important to anyone I choose to build a relationship with now and in the future.

How 2020 Led Me To My Purpose

Often times clarity is a direct result of difficult circumstances. I have felt so low and trapped my entire life. I often chose careers or hobbies that relatives suggested after shooting down the goals I created for myself. As a result I suppressed my needs and wants in order to become the person others wanted me to be.

Recently, I have allowed myself to meditate on what I want out of life and I realized that my entire life it has been painfully obvious that I’m a creative. From writing to music and art, I have the ability to create effortlessly. Learning creative skills is like breathing to me but I lack confidence in this reality. In my mind I’m not good enough or visually appealing enough for society to deem my artistic talents worthy.

It’s a flawed belief but it’s a real mental conversation I struggle with daily. I enjoy singing, writing, photography, and filmography but I perform below average when I’m asked to show people that I have these abilities.

Ultimately, I have decided that surviving 2020 is proof that I can do anything if I just apply myself. With this newfound mindset I have created the Say No More December! There are a list of 31 goals that I will accomplish and share without considering the opinions of others. If they can express themselves then you better believe I’m not sitting on the sidelines as a cheerleader anymore!

The year 2020 might’ve been a year full of pain, tears and fear but like a rose rising through concrete I will prevail and the beauty will be one to behold. I encourage anyone reading this to challenge yourself to see the good in a bad situation. You’re only as weak as you choose to be. Keep going until you step fully into the person you were created to be in life. Hard times will either crush you or toughen you up and I hope everyone gains strength. 2020 might’ve tested our resolve but if you look closely we prevailed in so many ways.