I’m anxious because my anxious mother took care of me too much as a baby
By: A. T.
Tags: Motherhood, Depression, Anxiety, Twins, Baby

I’m a twin. My twin and I both have different levels of anxiety at different times, without it ever actually going away. And one of my core beliefs is that my and my twins anxiety stems from our mother.

No, its all genetics you say

And I agree. To a point. I do believe me and my twin were tranfered some of our anxiety through our mothers DNA. She had a troubled childhood and was incubated at six months for arriving prematurely. She’s always been very reserved, introverted individual, who at times, was overwhelmed with emotion and was not equipped to handle them. Totally opposite to my forever optimistic, gregarious, not a care in the world father. Numerous studies confirmed psychological diseases can be inherited and can affect a major part of a childs personality and behaviour. Many of researchers however also contributed anxiety to enviromental factors.

And that is where my mothers emotional instability comes in to play

I have to preface this by saying, I love my mother dearly. She and my father have given me anything and everything, for which I am and always will be extremely grateful. Now comes the but part.

Mother was 23 when she had us. She spent exactly one week at college before dropping out, worked at the same job since 19 years old and never liked to express her opinion in public unless explicitly asked. Behind closed doors was different of course. Behind closed doors, she never held back and at times stepped over the line. She expressed that to me now, in form of a regret. She liked to bottle things up, for the sake of public appearance. The bottle of course spilled over or at times exploded when privacy was obtained.

However her emotions weren’t always or at all unjustified. Just unproductively expressed. She told me of her past frustrations and sadness, that my father did not help her enough with two babies. At times, she said, us three all cried together. “I was alone with the two of you and was stressed and sad and angry.” And I get it. I can’t imagine having a set of twins with little to no help, without feelings of anger and betrayal.

That is all? Just because your mother was upset when you were a baby?

Energy is transfered

Well yes and no. For example, my boyfriend is a very happy, go lucky guy. The guy can’t be in a bad mood if he tries. He is also very alpha male, no bullshit, to the point person,whereas I will much rather be liked and please people. His mother went back to work 3 months after giving birth to him, even though in Slovenia, maternity leave is usually 1 year long. So his grandpa took over, he fed him, bathed him and did everything with him. His grandpa is also very stable, calm and rarely, if ever, emotional.

Now, I am not saying that this is the sole reason for my boyfriends personality traits. Factors that compose a persons personality and reality are many, if not countless. However reasearch has shown that the transfer of stress from mother to baby is not only possible, but it in fact does happen (Study1, Study2, Article3…). Whether in the womb or after birth.

That’s why I believe my twin and I were those babies

It’s not that our mother tranfered her anxiety and stress intentionally. Of course she didn’t. No well-meaning mother would. And make no mistake, she was always well-meaning. But she was not equipped to handle her past, and all the negative, undealth-with emotions her past constructed for her in the present.

She was battling her own demons and taking care of us at the same time. And as small as we were, I believe to my core that we saw and felt it. Her anger, sadness, frustration. I believe a part of her pain was unknowingly trasfered to us. A part of it already through our DNA, and the other part through reality our anxious mother battled and constructed for us daily through taking care of us.

And I don’t blame her. Of course I don’t. It’s up to me now to not let my past and the things I am unable to change affect my future and the things I am able to control.