Network Like a Rich White Man
By: Mary Retta
Tags: Work, Networking, Equality, Opportunity, Succeed

Network Like a Rich White Man

Make professional connections just like all the Jareds and Matts in your office

Photo: SeventyFour/iStock/Getty Images Plus

As the child of immigrants, I was raised to be quiet—to keep my head down, work hard, and always be modest about my accomplishments. These are lessons that stuck with me even as I grew up and entered the workforce: I hated networking. I was deeply uncomfortable promoting myself. I squirmed at the idea of pitching myself, highlighting my accomplishments, or doing any of the other things I was supposed to do in order to “get ahead.”

This is why I hate to be the one to say this, but it needs to be said: Even if you’re more of an apologetic emailer than a let’s do lunch-er, you’re going to need to learn to network at some point in your professional career. Trying to advance in any field is daunting enough, and it becomes even trickier if you don’t have the right connections.

That said, networking can be more difficult for some people than for others. “Others,” in this case, being anyone who’s not a wealthy, cisgender, heterosexual white guy.

Exude confidence

Research illustrates how many marginalized groups including women, people of color, and people from lower socioeconomic statuses can have trouble networking in the traditional sense. One recent study, for example, found that people from upper-class backgrounds are more willing to confidently express their opinions, even when they lack accurate knowledge. And that confidence is often taken as competence.

This pattern, the study found, turns into a self-perpetuating cycle: Higher-status people are overconfident, which makes them better equipped to convincingly sell themselves, which makes them more likely to advance up the socioeconomic ladder.

Meanwhile, working-class people that are more likely to embrace humility get left behind. Modesty is rarely an advantage in corporate settings, which tend to reward confident go-getters. If you’re raised to think bragging is distasteful, it feels pretty uncomfortable to go into a room projecting, “My ideas are great, and you should hire me!”

Ask for what you want

But other research has suggested that up to 85% of job openings are filled through networking. And it’s a skill that people from minority communities, who often do not come into the workforce with many professional connections, need to master.

It can be tough to even decide where to begin — especially if you are one of the few women or people of color in a room. From an early age, women are socialized not to be too aggressive about asking what they want, explains Jenny Maenpaa, a clinical therapist and women’s leadership coach. “We reward boys for being aggressive and go-getters, and we reward girls for being nice and people pleasers,” she says. It’s a distinction that carries over into the professional world. One study, for example, found that women tend to wait until they have all the qualifications listed to apply for a job, while men will apply even if they only have 60% of them.

Other research suggests that employees of color often find it riskier to open up at work, exacerbating any existing institutional barriers by making it harder to form the relationships that might help them advance (“I don’t feel safe sharing information that might later be used against me,” one black employee told the study’s authors.) Women of color, in particular, are judged more harshly on performance than their peers, are less likely to have supportive managers, and more likely to be mentored or provided with the opportunity for advancement.

Take up space

The key to effective networking is to unlearn the constant messaging that marginalized groups receive: That they must make themselves smaller in professional settings, or that it’s better for them to take up less space. I can’t count the number of times I have sat in meetings surrounded by my white peers, too anxious to open my mouth and speak my ideas — especially without being prompted to do so.

When that happens, though, I try to remember the first time I got over myself and reached out to a superior for advice — in this case, the boss at a company where I was interning for the summer. After weeks of fidgeting uncomfortably in big group meetings too scared to say my ideas aloud, I found a smaller and more casual setting to pitch an idea for a series I had to my boss. It turned out she loved my idea and gave me my own space to write every month. Even though it was a while ago now, this anecdote still reminds me that you’ll never get what you want, even professionally, unless you shoot your shot.

I’m not telling you to just go forth and network. I know it’s not as easy as that. Keynote speaker and author Debra Fine suggests setting a concrete goal, and then breaking down that goal into smaller tasks and giving yourself deadlines for each one. If your goal is to ask someone to be a mentor, for example, your subtasks might be to ask them for advice on something specific, then getting coffee with them to build the relationship, and then make your request.

“Often people make excuses not to do things until we give ourselves a deadline or a specific task,” Fine says. “So, if you’re going to a networking event or want to make a closer professional connection with someone, set goals for yourself. Tell yourself, ‘I’ll speak to three people at this event today,’ or ‘I’ll talk to my boss about that promotion by the end of the week.’ You’d be surprised how effective this can be.”

Make small talk count

Once you’ve finally worked up the nerve to approach that important person in your field at the schmoozy event, what do you actually say? Fine notes that small talk can have a surprisingly big impact. “Small talk is the appetizer to any relationship,” Fine says. “Introduce a topic of conversation that has nothing to do with business, and come prepared to talk about it.”

Of course, even something as simple as small talk can be quite daunting if you don’t seem to have much in common with the people you’re talking to. While a group of wealthy white men from similar backgrounds may easily converse about their preferred golf course or their wild years at Harvard, people from less privileged backgrounds might find they can’t really relate.

However, Fine notes that the best small-talk tactic is focusing the conversation on the person you are networking with. Try to ask questions like, “What keeps you busy outside of work?” or “Where did you get that Death Star-shaped tie clip?” This opens up a conversation where people are on more equal footing, and you might find that you have some interests in common after all. “People like to hire and work with people they know,” Fine explains.

Cast your net wide

Something else white men know is that it pays to cast the net wide. Male networks tend to be larger and broader, while women tend to make their professional networks a lot smaller, focusing on deeper connections with mentors they trust. While those one-on-one connections are obviously important, sharing collective resources is also an effective networking technique.

At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that networking is not about making friends. It’s about making alliances. According to a study in the journal Human Relations, men are willing to do business with people they don’t necessarily like as long as it will help them achieve their professional goals, while women tend to overemphasize the social aspects of networking and have more stringent criteria for the people they network with. Keep that in mind the next time your least favorite co-worker from your last job sends a request to connect on LinkedIn. You may have found Sheila’s lunchtime chewing to be annoying, but if she’s on the rise in your field, stay in touch. (Just maybe don’t do lunch.)