Marriage Counselling with a Narcissist
By: Kara Summers
Tags: Relationships, Toxic Relationships, Narcissism, Couples Therapy, Marriage Counselling

Marriage Counselling with a Narcissist

Insights from the Narcissist’s confidante.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

With abusive relationships, there seems to be a common agreement amongst therapists: Marriage counselling might be the worst form of therapy. One of the reasons is because it focuses on the couple and the challenges between the individuals — but in an abuse situation, the problem really is with the individual, the abuser. Furthermore, it assumes there are two equal individuals in the relationship who both want to work on reconnecting with one another. However, a Narcissist sees themself as superior, their feelings are all that matter and they generally have no empathy or interest in changing.

Throughout my 1-1/2 year relationship with a Narcissist, he attended weekly marriage counselling sessions with his wife. Although I cannot know what really went on in those sessions, I can tell you his side of the story, the things he told me and how he felt about them. With everything I know about him now, I can look back and see how he used the counselling to his own advantage.

Why did he go in the first place?

Initially, when he left his wife, he didn’t leave any room for discussion. “I have fallen out of love, I think it’s best if I leave”. Two days later he had packed all his belongings and moved in with his parents. Although he told me that he had been meaning to leave her for years, she hadn’t seen it coming. Her natural reaction was to try and find ways to save their marriage and a 10-year relationship. “Would he consider staying for their son's sake for a while and going to counselling to try and see if he might fall back in love?” No. Because he had already moved on, unknowing to her, he had already promised to marry “his one true soulmate”. She said he would pay for the sessions, she asked her and his family and convince him to go. Eventually, he agreed. He reasoned with me: It would help her understand how and why he had fallen out of love. It would teach them how to communicate better for their son's sake and it would help his family and friends see that he really tried to make it work. Today, I can see his narcissistic personality in all of those statements:

Protection of his image : He was the good guy, who really tried to work things out

: He was the good guy, who really tried to work things out The role of the victim: Make her understand why he didn’t love her anymore (where she had gone wrong)

Make her understand why he didn’t love her anymore (where she had gone wrong) Improving communication: Learning how to better manipulate her when she stood up for herself

How did he approach the counselling?

To me, he portrayed the sessions as a massive chore, something he had to go through in order to prepare her for the day that he would eventually tell her he had moved on. Sometimes he would cancel sessions at short notice to spend time with me, or one of his other mistresses. He seemed to have an exit plan in place: “I was thinking, maybe this session could by my last one, I feel like I have proven now that nothing works to get my feelings back” he would say excitedly, to then find another excuse why he had to keep going.

Once he had been given an exercise, to write about love and what it meant to him, what it felt like and what he needed to feel “in love” again. He kept putting it off until eventually, I wrote it for him. But the moment that really showed me how he treated the counselling was probably when he started laughing after a session: “Our counsellor mentioned today that it’s been a year since we started. She was very impressed with our commitment and said most couples give up a lot easier. But I just realised that it means she has spent £1440 on counselling.” Then he laughed again and grabbed his phone: “I have to send this to her, that will wind her up to see the calculation like this.”

What happened during the sessions?

I wasn’t there, so I have no way of knowing the truth but I can tell you what he said to me. After every session, he would immediately recite everything that had happened and had been covered. From his point of view, the sessions mostly focused on her behaviours and shortcomings. When we first met he didn’t have one good thing to say about his wife. He said she was manipulative, abusive, had thrown objects at him, always picked fights, gave him no affection or showed any interest in him as a person and was only using him for his money. Today I am pretty certain a lot of these descriptions he will now say about me and I am convinced that most of it was narcissistic projection: He was really describing himself. But at the time, I believed him and his description of the sessions helped to paint this picture. Over time, he told me how she had started to change, admit the things she had done and worked on becoming a better person. Eventually, he said he realised that she was a good person after all who had just forgotten how much she loved him which she was rectifying now.

There were a few sessions where he said the counsellor had been really harsh on him and he had broken down. Afterwards, his wife had comforted him and agreed that it hadn’t been fair on him. “It’s probably because she is a women’s libber, I am so sorry, do you want to find a different counsellor?” was allegedly what she had said to him.

And then there were sessions where he told me how she had broken down, shaken, unable to stop crying. He told me how much it hurt him to see her like this but then concluded: “I am actually quite proud of me, normally I would have just given in and told her anything she wanted to hear because I can’t bear to see her cry, but not anymore! I still comforted her of course, but I stood my ground.”

What did they learn from the sessions?

He told me once that he was grateful for the counselling as it helped him to better deal with my “anger issues” and “mood swings” and helped him stay calm and listen to me. But he was never calm, he went into a rage so easily and while he might have listened, he never heard me. He started bringing phrases and pearls of wisdom he had picked up from counselling into our relationship. When he had an affair, for example, I noticed that he was less affectionate and brought it up. He called me crazy, said I had unreasonable expectations of him and recited how relationships work and fade over time. During fights, he used words cleverly, gaslit me and turned anything I would say around to then lecture me on my unhealthy way of communicating.

While his wife appeared to be vulnerable and honest during the sessions, he kept making up stories. For example, he shared how much he struggled with loneliness and insomnia. But he was never alone, he had me, and his sleep problems derived from texting other girls all through the night. Which means, while she never learned anything genuine about him, he learned about all her insecurities and vulnerabilities, something he could use to control and abuse her further.

What was the outcome?

There are probably many factors that have let to him returning to her, but I have no doubt marriage counselling has helped him to regain full control. She changed everything he hated about her and showed him how much she admired and loved him at every opportunity. But most of all, she never questioned his intentions and genuineness. “I need to be with someone who doesn’t challenge me”, “I need to be with someone who is more understanding and considerate of my feelings”, “She just knows me so well and understands what I am like”. Some of the things he said when going back. At the start, he had still mocked her for her attempts like sending him sexy pictures and the effort she had put into date nights and romantic breaks, but eventually, he started to admire her persistence. They got on so much better now, never fought, she was giving him all the space he needed and didn’t get upset anymore over “trivial things”. She started liking all the things he liked and put her hopes and needs behind to accommodate his.

She still doesn’t know half of the things he said and did, but according to him, the counsellor has advised them that it was best to forget and move on. I contacted him after he left (when I still thought I was grieving the love of my life) and he responded that I had to stop contacting him. “Our counsellor has warned us that something like this might happen and advised us of other measures we can take if you cannot accept our wishes”.

Naturally, I have no contact to him and I don’t know if they are still seeing a marriage counsellor, but I do know the picture he is painting to his family and friends: The counselling and hard work from both of them have saved their marriage.

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