Sharon Smith-Akinsanya of the Rae Mackenzie Group: “5 Things You Need to Know to Survive and Thrive During & After a Divorce”
By: Ilyssa Panitz
Tags: Culture, Women, Divorce, Careers, Wellness

Ilyssa Panitz: You are the author of, “Colorfull: Competitive Strategies to Attract and Retain Top Talent of Color.” What made you want to write this book?



Sharon Smith-Akinsanya: We have a lopsided work force in terms of color in our nation. Corporations must get it together and understand and people of color are the future of the work force and they are falling down in how to connect with and build relationships with people of color who can take their companies to the next level. I wanted to write, “Colorful” as an easy digest plan, sort of like a playbook for executives to follow to maintain the competitive edge and do a better job on bringing equality to the workplace on all levels.



Ilyssa Panitz: What are the parallels between this subject matter and women who have to go back into the work force due to a divorce after so many years of being at home raising children and taking care of the home?



Sharon Smith-Akinsanya: They tackle it with transparency. Many women must take these gaps for this very reason and there is nothing wrong with that. I say transparency is the key. When they are writing that cover letter or sitting in front of a potential employer it is all about telling the truth. You can say, “Yes there is a gap because I was raising children, but I am a certified public accountant, I am an attorney and now I am looking to come back, and I would love to chat with you about the opportunity that is being advertised.” The goal is to get to the “yes” responses because no one wants to work for a company that cannot appreciate that. Do not be afraid of speaking the truth. Remember, your gap time could have been because you are raising the country’s next CEO. When you are a woman going back to Corporate America, look for the companies that respect that.



Ilyssa Panitz: How does the single mom balance maintaining the respect of her colleagues/employer while not letting things like: a sick child, Parent/Teacher conference night, the school play get in the way of contributing to the team?



Sharon Smith-Akinsanya: I was that single mom. Making sure that I had the flexibility to do what I needed to do for my children. Again, this is about how we chose. In an interview process it is two ways. I get to ask you questions and you get to ask me questions. As I said before, be transparent. Ask things like, “How do you feel about children? I am an extremely hard worker, and I am there for you but there are times I will need to be there for the piano recital, where I may have to leave a little bit earlier. But I also want you to know that I am willing to work a little bit later another night. We want to work for those employers who get us and who understand that life happens. You want to talk about how the atmosphere is when it comes to working moms. Am I going to be shamed or be shown because of that? Can you please explain to me what the culture is in this area? You must choose well when you are going back and will work with you and your situation.



Ilyssa Panitz: You say you understand what these women are going through. Is that why you decided to take this career path?



Sharon Smith-Akinsanya: I was divorced when my baby girl was three years old. It was imperative that I worked for an employer that understood that she came first. I was having all sorts of guilt being a single mom and growing up with a father. I felt the burden of that pain for my baby girl. She has always been number one. It was important for me to think about how I can get that done. When I went back to work, I was very clear with them that I needed to have some flexibility with my daughter. Again, it is just about choosing well. I made sure my boss knew I could do both well.



Ilyssa Panitz: What happens when women talk about the guilt of leaving their children, especially when everything in their lives in changing. How do you help them overcome that?



Sharon Smith-Akinsanya: We all feel that. But we must remember that we are a team. For me, my team was me, my daughter and my mom. I positioned it as using that very word, “We are a team, and we have to do what we need to do to make it through this.” It is going to be painful. We are going to have some great days and so not so great days but that is okay. Our job is to move forward because that is what life it. I also leaned on my mom a lot. We divided the chores and responsibilities. I kept stressing the “team effort.” I turned it into a game, and we got through it. Children are resilient.



Ilyssa Panitz: So, there were benefits?



Sharon Smith-Akinsanya: Yes, my daughter learned that not everything goes according to plan and so we are learning different things that happen in society. You need to lean how to deal with adversity, you need to learn how to handle when situations do not go smoothly, and this was one of the best examples I could give her. I turned my situation into a teaching moment.



Ilyssa Panitz: You just answered my next question. Single moms can use this as a teaching moment when explaining a big change like this to their kids?



Sharon Smith-Akinsanya: It is a teaching moment. I would always say to my daughter, I must love you. I am your mom, and it is my job. The world, however, does not! I made it about her role in the world. My mom always said, if you stay inward you are going to stay stuck! You use this as a teaching tool, so she knows that life has bumps, curves, dings, and it is not a straight line. To get back to your question, I had a lot of mommy guilt in my divorce because I did not know how my daughter was feeling. I had lots of guilt, but I also talked to her, cried with her, and hugged her because her dad not only divorced me, but he also divorced her. That was tough on her.



Ilyssa Panitz: I am so sorry for the both of you. While that was a negative that came from your divorce, what would you say the positives are?



Sharon Smith-Akinsanya: For me I was scared to death. I did not know how I was going to be as a single parent. I had a hard time visualizing it. I was lucky. I grew up with a mom, a dad, and a brother. The positive for me, I taught myself I knew I had to teach myself and balance my life better in all areas. It would then give me the tools to teach her on how to balance her life better. The positive for me was getting really good and organized about how we can move through life smoothly. My daughter was running a calendar at five-years-old better than most adults because I taught her that it was important to keep track of her day and her schedule. To this day, she is super organized and conscious of time. She is 24 years old today and she still applies the skills I taught her at a young age, which was there to help me because I was working.



Ilyssa Panitz: How do you encourage women to see all the advantages of going back to work and plow through their divorce at the same time?



Sharon Smith-Akinsanya: They are going to feel amazing because they landed that job, got their career back in swing and are going to gain confidence from the contribution they are going to be able to provide to their employer. Now is a great time to jump back in because there are so many more remote opportunities because of Covid-19. Even though we are in the middle of a pandemic it is an incredibly exciting time to get back out there. It has forced HR Departments and employers to look at the value their employees are at.



Ilyssa Panitz: Are there pros of divorce, while trying to secure a job as we try to get Covid-19 under control?



Sharon Smith-Akinsanya: Yes, people can balance better. You can be there for your employer, put the chicken in the oven for dinner, get back on a call and sit down with your children at the end of the day. There is also the plus of the money you save. You are not spending on commuting, buying new clothes, dry-cleaning, and meals out. Also, the time you save getting ready and commuting to and from work is more time with your children. Everyone is transparent about their situations and everyone seems to be understanding about it and gets it. It is an exciting time to get back in the work force. Going back to work is rewarding and provide for your children. I have also noticed that employers are looking for people who know how to be creative with their time and now is the perfect time to showcase that.



Ilyssa Panitz: Plus, women will gain confidence from being able to be financially independent.



Sharon Smith-Akinsanya: Money and financial freedom is huge! Women will be able to do things for their families they may have not been able to do before and it will make you feel amazing!



Ilyssa Panitz: Would you look at this as a reinvention for women?



Sharon Smith-Akinsanya: Absolutely. Women get to create anew version of themselves. I remember when I worked for Prince and he used to talk about the power of deciding. Decide what it is you want to be, what it is you want to do and be that and do that! The best advice he ever gave me was you can never be perfect because I was always trying to be. He used to guide me down the path to just focus in on what it is I wanted to be and then go be that! When we talk about reinventing ourselves the first and only question you should ask is: what is it I want to be? Once you answer that nothing should stop you from accomplishing it.



Ilyssa Panitz: Do you say any affirmations?



Sharon Smith-Akinsanya: Yes. You should say things like: “I am good enough!” — “I am ready to take on the world!” — “I have value, I have something to offer and I am ready to get it done!” I still speak to myself in the mirror and say, “I am enough” and I will keep moving forward.



Ilyssa Panitz: What are 5 things someone needs to know to survive and thrive during and after a divorce?



Sharon Smith-Akinsanya: One: I surrounded myself with good people I could talk to and trust with what I was going through. I learned that those people would be there to help me when I needed an extra hand. Even if you have one good friend that is all you need in your corner.



Two: Ask the men in your life, it could be your brother or a family friend if they could step in and need a father figure for something. I asked male friends to help me raise my daughter and lend that one-thing I could not give her or do such as taking her to a father/daughter dance.



Three: Know that time will heal this wound. It will not go away but it will heal if you let it.



Four: Speak to yourself every single day and make sure that you are literally talking in a mirror and saying things like, “I got this!” You must believe in yourself!



Five: You must keep yourself at the top of your to-do list. If you do not things will crumble. Think of the airplane, put the oxygen mask of yourself first before you put it on others. That applies when you are trying to keep it together during and after divorce. You need to feel good for not only yourself but for your children and your employer. Do not fall apart.