To think, plan and fail at execution stage — the frustrations of following your dreams.
Tags: Strategy, Pushing Through, Self-awareness, Adversity, Wellbeing

No one tells you how heartbreaking it is to think of an idea, set out a plan and fail at execution stage.

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Definition: Execute -/- to put (a plan, order, or course of action) into effect.

2020for me can honestly be described as a struggle with occasional glimmers of light. It has felt like back to back failures, pruning, and insight. It has been hard, but necessary. God has been my anchor, my sustainer and deliverer. I am sure of his plans and his ways. My assurance comes in knowing that trials are only momentary, and joy will come someday. Nonetheless, 2020 has been a hard pill to swallow. Come with me, as I vulnerably share some hard truths.

Career wise, I’m great at executing, and will always deliver work to a high standard and quality. You’d think in some way, this would filter into everything I do with ease, right?…Wrong! Executing my personal endeavours this year has been a bumpy road paved with constant disappointments, and cancellations.

For many years, I have been trying to create fashion and lifestyle content seriously (even before I knew it could be serious). I have always had a natural interest for sharing and was crazily passionate about fashion. At 13, I stumbled upon the world of blogging through Samatha Maria, and her page was all the persuasion I needed to code my own little corner on the internet. It was my creative outlet to freely curate and document my personal style, share my favourite inspirations, fashions shows, designers and history. Although time, life and imposter syndrome always got in the way. I stopped blogging, and found a new love in YouTube and again imposter syndrome reared its ugly head.

I missed creating so much; so late last year, i promised myself to commit wholeheartedly to sharing this hobby of mine with the world. I’m meticulous in character and very much a planner, I drew up a vision-board of exactly what i wanted for myself. Every detail was covered, I researched extensively about equipments, created mood-boards, learnt about the marketing / creation side. EVERYTHING. Your girl was ready. But, nothing could have prepared me for what transpired this year.

I planned so many outfits and concepts to shoot but for one reason or another I was not able to bring it to life. People would cancel on me or the venue I wanted to shoot at would. Time and help became an issue and no matter how hard I tried, it just felt like a struggle. I knew the standard of content I wanted to create, so I was adamant on not accepting less. I’d do shoots, but end up unhappy with the quality. Something was always wrong. In the spirit of making lemonade when life gives you lemons, I did a home shoot — and whew, the amount of times the stand hit my head during that shoot I had to stop otherwise a mild concoction was in my near future.

So i called quits on everything, and almost decided that maybe it was not for me, but as a fashion girl; that’s easier said than done (lol). As my last chance to put out some content before 2020 ends. In early December, I planned a weekend away with friends and the apartment we booked was perfect. I had always wanted to film a question style video inspired by the Vogue series as a way to introduce myself/ interest but all that was missing was the right place. This place we were going to stay was that right place. My creative juices started bubbling again, I planned everything — the fits, the little routine for the reels and even scripts (see image for the mini-script I drafted), and finally i had people willing to help. Then BOOM, Boris did the only thing he knows how to do. Everything got cancelled and well, I sulked for a week straight. I was heartbroken. No one really understood why it was so important but this was just the final straw after so many frustrations this year. I had built up all this excitement and creativity in my head once again and nothing happened. I was stuck in a constant cycle of rolling with the punches, and I was desperate to get out. I just wanted to think, plan and execute. You know, to see the physical result of my brain work.

After all the sulking, I took this week to reflect, and i can definitely say that the journey so far has taught me a lot about myself , both good and not-so-good. I would like to share three lessons from the not-so-good things. I believe these lessons can be applied to various experiences in life.

1.

Not-so-good: I am a perfectionist, and i do not react well to things going wrong.

Resolve : Persistence over perfection — make room for your failures.

Charlotte Seims puts it this way… “Whether we’re expecting perfection from ourselves or our kids or our spouse, it can get ugly. To be persistent, we know we have to last over the long haul so we make allowances. Perfection gets frustrated and discouraged…and quits.”

I often have an idea of what I want in my head and literally will not budge till it comes to fruition. Yes this can be positive, but it is also inflexible when situations are not ideal. I am learning to be persistence with the vision, but pivot when things don’t turn out how I imagined. I choose to no longer wallow in frustrations but instead, I am giving myself room to fail comfortably. Persistence does not neglect my standard for excellence, but accommodates my threshold for failure. I have decided to show up and show out — learn, strategise and go again.

2.

Not-so-good: I felt like a failure because I kept promising content and did not deliver.

Resolve: Be kind to yourself, breath; it’s never as serious as we make it seem — you are not your failures.

As President Obama once said — “You can’t let your failures define you — you have to let them teach you. You have to let them show you what to do differently next time.”

Though many might not see the scenario described above as failures, in those moments that was the way i viewed it. I had failed myself, and the few people that expected a styling video or whatever I had promised. There’s nothing more I hate than loosing my integrity. My word is my bond, and i try everyday to be a woman of my word. So as you can probably tell from the way I wrote this piece, I attach my failures to my ability to execute well and the frustration is often heightened when my integrity is on the line. The ‘feeling’ can get so overwhelming, that I never stop to take in the many things I have successfully executed on or how Covid-19 affected a lot of my plans. It’s a dangerous cycle of attaching your self-worth or brilliance to a job, skill or ability. It works in practice, but it is self sabotaging in failure. I am learning to look at situations objectively — for what it is not who I am.

3.

Not-so-good: I sometimes have a strong desire to want to be the ‘first’ to do something when i have an idea. This drives the time aspect of how i work, in doing i put an unrealistic and unnecessary pressure on myself to get things done.

Resolve: First mover advantage is great. But I have decided, it is more about doing it well, than doing it first — don’t set yourself up for failure.

As my 2019 self once said, and Didac Lee confirmed in his recent 2020 interview. “It’s not about being the first to do something, but being the first to do it well.”

The desire to be known as a pioneer, originator, ‘it person on an idea or topic’ is something i have had to let go off for my sanity. If it comes organically — great. I was being hard on myself for xyz, and questioning how if i had done this- and- that i would have been the first etc. I was really sweating the small stuff, whereas in the grand scheme of things — it really did not matter and nobody cares. Everyone is inspired by someone else or thing, there is no shame in the game. I am learning to carve a unique path for myself. No one does it the way i do it, and that’s my edge. If there is one thing i am sure of and i can bet on — it is myself. I will always deliver fire, whether it is inspired by or not.

Bonus — I have also learnt not to speak prematurely on things just because i’m excited or want to be perceived a certain way. It is often better to see it through first.

I have grown to value my vulnerability and ability to share my truth as a strength. In writing this, I hope it helps someone of their rut, i hope it shows you, that you are never alone and i pray it inspires you to stop being so hard on yourself. You are not your failure or wrong doing. You are more than capable to deliver. Success is just round the corner.