Have You And Your Partner Fallen Into The Habit of Arguing?
By: Mark Webb The Relationship Specialist
Tags: Anger, Self Improvement, Self-awareness, Relationships, Marriage

By Mark Webb, The Relationship Specialist

“Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.”

~ Rumi, ancient poet

An occasional argument is one thing; chronic arguing is another. Make sure that you avoid these habits that some couples fall into:

1) Do you attack your partner’s most vulnerable areas? If you get your feelings hurt or if you’re upset, do you bring up painful events of your partner’s past like, “Now I know why your mother left you when you were a child.” Or, “Now, I understand why your first marriage failed.” These references serve to position yourself as superior but do long term damage because now your partner wonders if you truly believe this about them.

2) Do you insult your partner with name calling? Name calling is a cheap manner in which to win an argument. This behavior also makes your partner wonder if you truly view them in this negative manner. Stay away from any name calling or character assassinations. Build your partner up instead of tearing them down.

3) Do you give ultimatums or threaten the future of the relationship? This is a dangerous behavior when it comes to arguing because it does terrible damage to the ongoing sense of commitment of the relationship. Once your partner hears that you can walk away from the relationship, they typically start holding back a piece of themselves from the relationship. Over time there is nothing left to hold onto.

“Let the angry word be answered only with a kiss.”

~ Thomas Hill, writer

4) Do you displace your anger from your job or other areas of aggravation onto your partner? This is very common and can quickly become a daily habit; especially if you don’t like your job. Always be mindful to keep work at work and other areas of aggravation in their proper place. It’s hard enough to have a healthy relationship without stacking your outside stressors on top.

5) Do you have to get in the last word in an argument? This is a guaranteed way of losing any hope of true connection with your partner. This keeps the argument going on forever because what if both of you feel that you have to get in the last word? Train yourself not to retaliate. Speak only words that promote happiness and connection. Fight the good fight and refuse to be a part of negative behavior.

6) Do you demand that you be heard as if what you have to say is more important than what your partner has to say? Usually when it comes to habitual fighting, there is one person who feels that they deserve more significance and respect. This person comes across as if they are superior and thus disrespectful towards their partner.

“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”

~ EE Cummings, poet

7) Do you secretly like the surge of adrenaline that flows when you and your partner get into a fight? Arguing can become addictive. People can unconsciously use the passion of fighting as a tool to help stimulate the relationship with energy. They feel more alive and in touch with their feelings. The problem gets out of hand as it will take more and more negative means of arguing to sustain the vibrancy desired. Eventually your friends, family and perhaps even your children will be begging you to divorce.

8) Do you frequently assert that you do not like conflict but somehow you seem to have a lot of conflict in your life? There is no real way to avoid all conflict in life but people who fall into the habit of arguing seem to be conflict magnets. I encourage you to strongly explore the possible ways in which you may be feeding the ongoing conflict patterns in your life. Then seek to stop your contributions to these patterns.

9) Do you and your partner argue in front of your children? Children will either learn a constructive manner of resolving conflict from you or a destructive one. Stay away from extremes. Too much arguing and no arguments at all are not helpful. If your children never see any conflict resolution they will not have your example of how to handle relationship problems when they grow up. Strive to set a positive example.

10) Do you vent out of proportion to what is going on? Might does not always mean right. Do not use rage as a means of winning your arguments. You will train your partner to back down but at the same time you will train them to shut down. You will end up with a partner who never truly talks to you or shares their deeper thoughts and feelings. Seek to honor the relationship even if your partner isn’t doing the same. Learn to tame your tongue and to be a person of even temperament.

Mark Webb is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice at South Georgia Psychiatric and Counseling Center in Valdosta. He is the author of How To Be A Great Partner and How To Argueproof Your Relationship. Read more of his articles at www. TheRelationshipSpecialist.com