Five regrets of the dying…the list you’ve seen isn’t yours. This one will be.
Tags: Life Lessons, Death And Dying, Life

The things that matter to us when we’re at the end of life can teach us how to live now.

A few years ago, an article came out that caused a sensation. It claimed to list the top five regrets of the dying.

Written by a palliative care nurse who had sat by many a bedside, it seemed to hold the key to how to live your best life. The nurse went on to write a book and teach classes — all based on this list.

But what if it’s wrong?

As someone with chronic condition who has faced death more than once — and who will likely die young — I don’t relate to it at all.

No doubt she was telling the truth about her patients. But she did acknowledge that she was dealing with elderly people.

These are people from a different generation. They’ve had experiences that don’t match mine or anyone else younger than a baby boomer. This is a problem.

First, the original list, with my responses:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

I’m a Gen Xer. You might not have heard of us, as we’re often forgotten. Which makes sense. Our theme movies were “Slacker” and “ Reality Bites.” (Your parents can explain.) Anyhow, point being, we were nonconformist, and more than a little lost. We dabbled, sometimes for years. And in the end, we came up with some great stuff, like podcasting, Tesla, and Harry Potter.

I bummed around through much of my twenties and into my thirties. Worked as a bartender, movie extra, baker, sex toy store employee. I spent a year at a Zen monastery in the mountains. I experimented with mind expanding drugs. I wrote and wrote. Most of it was crap, but it was mine.

In short, this isn’t one of my regrets, and my guess is it isn’t going to be one of yours. The world today is full of opportunities that our grandparents couldn’t have imagined. It’s also more open minded. Chances are you’re seeking to create a life that’s yours and no one else’s.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

This was mainly her male patients. Nowadays, this could apply to anyone. In any case, I don’t have any regret about this. I loved every minute of my working life. In addition to my ramblings and creative writing, I had the good fortune to be part of the high tech industry. It was meaningful, exciting, and always a challenge.

More and more young people are seeking meaningful work. They’re not accepting business as usual. They want to make a “dent in the universe.”

When you’re doing meaningful work, it’s not work at all. This was true for me. I have no doubt it’s true for many of my generation and those after it.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

I have no doubt that many older people suppressed their true feelings in order to please others. It was part of the culture of the times. But I’m not seeing that with anyone I know who’s my age or younger.

I myself expressed a lot of feelings. Maybe too many. I did a ton of personal work — therapy, workshops, trainings, meditation, yoga…you get it.

I’m also lucky in that I married someone who’s there for me when I’m sad, angry or scared. Many modern relationships are like that. I’d be surprised if this is a common regret in the future.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

One word: Facebook.

Definitely no regrets there.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

It’s tragic that this is such a common regret of the dying. As the nurse put it, people didn’t realize until the end that happiness is a choice. You can stay stuck in old patterns or you can choose to be happy.

That said, happiness is tricky. It can happen when you least expect it. Yes, it’s true that the happiest day of my life was my wedding day. But I could also pick other days that might seem like nothing happened. One of them was when I took a tennis class. The experience of hitting the ball over and over put me into a flow state. It was exhilarating and I’ll never forget it.

Another moment was after I was released from the hospital and was in a rehab facility. I was lying in bed, paralyzed and in pain. But for the first time in three months I was near an open window. Outside, two women were chattering away in Russian. I couldn’t understand a word they were saying. But the sound of their voices carrying through the window was the most beautiful thing I’d ever heard.

In short, you never know what will make you happy. It doesn’t matter if you’re playing tennis, lying in a hospital bed, or getting married to the love of your life. What’s important is that you’re fully there. Then the happiness may well come. And if it doesn’t, you still had the full experience, whatever it was.

Which leads me to my top five regrets — which very well might be yours too:

1. I wish I’d spent less time worrying.

When I look back on my life, too much of it was spent spinning inside my own head. I worried about things that never happened. I planned and planned. I got wrapped up in all kinds of future tripping.

If I’d known what was going to happen to me, I wouldn’t have worried at all. I now know there’s no point in trying to control the future.

2. I wish I’d unplugged more.

For years, I tweeted, Snapchatted, Facebooked and checked email all the time. My husband made a rule barring me from using my iPhone in bed. But I was chained to it the rest of the day.

Before smartphones, I found ways to distract myself. I chatted the day away online or on the phone. I had my laptop open more often than not.

Now, I wish I had looked at more sunsets, smelled more flowers, watched more birds, and looked into the eyes of my beloved more often. These are moments you can never get back.

3. I wish I hadn’t been so hard on myself.

If I could live my life over, I would relax about all the stuff that used to get to me. I’d eat whatever I wanted without worrying about getting fat. I’d do my best work and call it good enough rather than fearing I’d made mistakes.

Once you’re facing death, you see that none of that stuff matters. No one’s going to go to your funeral and talk about how you ate that banana muffin and put on two pounds. Your boss isn’t going to sit by your deathbed and complain about something you once put in a report. It’s all nonsense.

4. I wish I’d spent more time with family.

When I was 21, I moved across the country. I wanted to get as far away from my family as possible. In my pursuit of freedom, friendship and lovers, I didn’t appreciate them.

But now, they’re the ones who are sticking by me. Meanwhile, most of the people that I knew socially disappeared as soon as I was no longer fun to hang out with.

Oops.

5. I wish I’d told my husband I loved him every day.

I once read a news story about a mine collapse that left several miners trapped. One of them had forgotten to tell his wife that he loved her before he left for work that morning. And so he sat and waited, wondering if he would die, with this weighing on him the whole time.

Telling the people we love that we love them turns out to be far more important than we realize. Nowadays, I tell my husband I love him about five times a day. It still doesn’t seem enough. I’ve also taken to telling my sister that I love her. I know she knows, but it’s still important to say it.