Self-Esteem-People and You
By: Tantra Bensko
Tags: Narcissism, Self Esteem, Interpersonal Skills, Fuckboys, Psychology

Self-Esteem-People and You

Photo by Ryan Rader on Unsplash

Understanding Self-Esteem-People

It becomes eventually clear that, all along, their relationship with you has been primarily about enhancing their sense of themselves. They’ve been using you to get that dopamine high.

Self-Esteem People don’t love you. They don’t love anyone. Not even themselves.

They can’t help it. Almost everything in their lives is about protecting their easily-crumbling sense of self. It’s not about relationships. Or other people. Or true intimacy.

In contrast, a significant percentage of people do feel consistently fine with themselves as long as they behave morally, which might be the miracle to celebrate right there: this percentage statistically varies depending on the person’s age. People who go through life confidently with stable self-esteem have a lot of energy at their disposal. That’s the way to be, according to all the statistics and writers in the psychology profession.

There’s no good reason to get used to having low or fragile self-esteem if you can shake yourself loose. Though kids might tease about “thinking you’re so great,” feeling bad about oneself isn’t a virtue. Of course, getting over variable self-esteem is easier said than done. There may even be a genetic component to the fragility. Neurotransmitter imbalances can have an effect. Self-esteem instability affects the health and ability to respond calmly in conversation.

Not everyone struggling with self-esteem is what I label a Self-Esteem Person

Not all people with low or fragile self-esteem are insufferably self-centered, making excuses left and right. Some with self-esteem issues have empathy, can laugh at themselves, and take an authentic interest in the world around them. But even so, most folks dealing with damaged self-esteem will be distracted by interpreting events according to the effect on their sense of worth.

If individuals with self-esteem problems are really your friends, they care about you and are happy to see you and learn all about you. They can do nice things for animals even when no one sees them, create art for just themselves because they love the process, and lose themselves on the dance floor because they truly like the music.

You don’t end up feeling like you’ve put all that together-time into simply propping up the ego of someone who disappears if you stop doing so. There’s much more to how they navigate the world than self-esteem issues, even though they have little solid, healthy sense of their intrinsic self-worth as human beings and can get lost in the eddies.

They use you to feel superior to others

In this essay, I’m writing about a particular frustrating personality type I’m calling Self-Esteem-People. We could generalize these challenging individuals, who have entirely lost control of loving behavior, as being somewhat narcissistic due to variable self-esteem. The specific examples I will provide aren’t usually coming from interactions in my life but from wider observation and study.

I’m writing this because so much is written about relationships with people suffering from NPD. But there’s a much larger contingency of folks who don’t have that extreme and rare personality disorder. And they can affect our lives in mystifying ways if we don’t take the time to understand what’s behind their actions.

They have low self-esteem or fragile self-esteem that is dependent on outside validation. But the difference is that their psychology becomes glaringly transparent as being inevitably single-focused. They may not do selfishly mean, deceitful things, and they may be entertaining. But they eventually can’t hide that it’s always all about them; you come to realize that everything they’ve said or done around you has been to enhance their pride.

The annoying part is they’re not just trying to bring their sense of pride up to healthy levels. No, they need to be better than other people to feel OK, and that means either associating themselves with you because they can say, “He’s like me.” Athletic or funny or successful or whatever trait they want to claim.

They flip at any moment when your status lowers in their mind. They associate themselves with you then so they can say, “He’s not like me.” Because they’re the athletic, funny, or successful ones in contrast to you. Even though you’re the same person you were the day before!

You know that Self-Esteem-Person. The one who rarely admits he’s been wrong, who doesn’t handle it gracefully if insecurity is exposed, who controls the narrative at all times to have the upper hand. Who brags.

Wait. Is that you?

Or is it someone you know?

Yeah, let’s stick with that.

Photo by Evan Dvorkin on Unsplash

Naturally, we’re all unique, and statistics are just scientific generalizations about who has the healthiest psychology.

We’re a flow of DNA and the epigenetic expression of the genes of our ancestors that is triggered by our training, experiences, and what enters our bodies. This article isn’t meant to blame people for acting out due to poor psychological development of self-esteem during childhood or to neurotransmitter imbalances. My tone may get a little sassy, but underneath is deep compassion for Self-Esteem-People.

So, OK…

Maybe some people reading this essay do have issues with self-esteem? Let’s just turn inward for a few seconds.

Pay attention to your thoughts moment by moment through the day today. Notice if your thoughts concerning how someone will view you. . .

…Hmm.

What about those darn, Self-Esteem-People, anyway? Those rascals over there. Those family members, teachers, lovers, neighbors, friends, spouses.

Some of them are so extremely obvious about it that you’ve realized all along that they need to be right and to be admired. In that case, you might be partially aware of the nature of your relationship with them. Have you admitted to yourself that any time you spend with them is fine, but it’s not about building a friendship with you?

It has nothing to do with you.

You are a tool.

Maybe they inevitably talk at length about things they’re an expert in and avoid conversations about things you’re an expert in. They name drop and use insider jargon. Even if you prefer a different style of music, on their monitor is a display of the famous rock stars they’ve performed with. Not to your taste. “What music do you want to listen to?” they ask, pointing to the flashy image. “Pick one.”

No one surely exhibits all the signs I describe as examples in this essay. If they did, they’d be insufferable, and you’d never spend time with them voluntarily. I hope.

The thing is, yes, some people are annoying from the get-go community, because they display those behaviors, and it’s obvious. Some people, however, are truly charming even if a little damaged. You think, aww, that’s sweet. They want me to think highly of them. They brag about their accomplishments because they value my opinion since they like me and want me to like them back.

Ha. Self-Esteem-People see you as high enough status that, when you validate them, you matter because they feel proud. If you lose your hair or lose your fancy job, someone with higher status comes along, they get bored with you, or you move away, you’re off their radar. They don’t call to chat with you or go visit you, because you were never their friend. You performed a function.

You are not a person, but a functional role in their lives.

Well, if you move away, some may want to call because they see friendship as them bragging about themselves and you being the adoring audience validating their wonders. And they are excited about their new win and want to get high by talking to you and getting your praise. If you share something poignant that most people would slow down for and sympathize with, the Self-Esteem-People will skip over it. Nothing’s bringing them down. Catching up with your life or talking about the world is not their mission.

What about sexuality?

It’s not about the interaction of two whole people bonding in a cohesive unit. It’s about their hit of neurotransmitters that come from successful image-management. They aren’t smiling because they like you or how special your connection is.

Maybe their interest in you is more simple and direct than egotism: maybe they just want to have sex for sex’s sake because it feels good to them and they don’t have enough empathy or interest in doing something nice for you to consider how it affects you one way or another. They’re not thinking about how good sex feels to you, whoever you are that day in their beds; names are overrated. Interchangeable.

It’s possible, on the other hand, if they’re somatic grandiose narcissists, that they get off on what great lovers they are, how many orgasms they can give you. But if they aren’t empathetic to whether you’re sexually fulfilled, they don’t see you as an external entity whom they feel empathy for. “You” may be all about the size of your booty.

Sexuality is a way to feel good about themselves and shows they’re superior by showing off a trophy date or wife to gain status, appear sexy, and thus get what they want from others who are rising up the ladder. They can use their sexy lover to prove to themselves that their lives are good. This can be the case even if it’s a secret affair.

Men tell women to continually watch the penis during sex, worshiping it. They don’t look at the woman’s face other than if searching for her admiration of his organ.

The sexuality of people with variable self-esteem can even lead to weird interactions in families. The father might grab his daughter around her waist and introduce her to restaurants to the servers as his girlfriend. But only if she’s looking good that day. If he has a boy, he might disparage him as competition.

A well-hung man with variable self-esteem might state that all men check out one another’s penis size in the bathroom and thus establish hierarchy because the smaller men know their place.

His excitement may be more about the chase than winning love because it proves he can get her, but he doesn’t care about intimacy, partnership, protecting, and supporting or giving anyone a good life.

In their dating bios, they show professional dramatic photos of doing multiple extreme sports, with lists of words describing how great they are, with nothing about what they want to do for their lovers, no humility, nothing about what they like in the world unless it makes them look special.

They get into relationships because they use each other to make each other feel better about themselves. Or to prove to other people that they have no intimacy issues.

Now, that’s rich.

The fuckboy subset

They might wake a lady up with a phone call at fuckboy hour even though they know the lady needs sleep (sleep is overrated, they say) to show pictures of their phalluses to worship. They set up a day for the next day. But as soon as the woman brings up her genitals in the fantasy talk scenario, they break off the conversation because it’s late and they’ve got to get some sleep.

In spite of lack of sleep beyond a mere hour, she’s a good sport, shaky but ready when it’s time for the date. He doesn’t show up. When she asks him about it, he says, “I was up late, sorry.” If this happens often, this is how you suspect he’s a fuckboy. Because that’s basically the definition.

Fuckboys and soft boys are a commonly encountered subset of Self-Esteem-People. They call women during fuckboy hour to ask for pictures, ask them to hang out, and make plans for dates they may or may not follow through on. They use their carefully constructed personae to lure in women but don’t have the depth of intimacy-capacity to interact whole-person to whole-person beyond a superficial sexual level. And not even real sex as much as making sure he’s still desired. Because if he worries that he’s not, he can’t handle it.

They use their conquests and photo collections, along with substances, gambling, buying studly clothes, etc., to raise their self-esteem — which may mean simply that they need higher dopamine. They post suave, sexy pictures of themselves on social media for their harem of non-girlfriends. They send the dick picks to the women they keep on strings and guide the fantasies to be all about putting the phallus on a pedestal. Nothing about the lady’s pleasure. Just whatever they fetishize about each lady.

They put people down for pleasure, making fun of them, but if someone puts them down, they whimper about it for hours on a drunken loop at three in the morning on the phone to a bae and then forget all about the conversation.

They want women to feel they’re connected without actually providing anything much that connects them; they enjoy that ability to manipulate.

Photo by Klara Kulikova on Unsplash

Fakin’ it

When parents don’t give their children unconditional love, warmth, and acceptance of inconsistent ways, the children feel precarious. Sometimes they try to merge with their parents to feel secure, anticipate their parents’ needs, be there for them, live up to their expectations, be their shining star. They revel in the oceanic sensation of oneness and end up looking for partners to submit to.

Other Self-Esteem children keep as far away from their parents as they can, running from the trauma, pretending to be self-sufficient.

If the situation is bad enough, under the “right” circumstances, the child might end up high on the narcissism scale and create a false self while hiding the true self to protect it. Narcissistic Personality Disorder means a person definitely fosters a false self.

None of them were loved unconditionally, and so they don’t grow up to love themselves or others that way. They don’t have an intrinsic sense of self-worth, so it becomes contingent on external validation at all times. And they need a continual stream of it because they never fill up.

They may not know why they break up relationships. Or they make up reasons, when in fact, they were just getting so close that their shallowness was showing. Or if they stay together, it may be at the expense of sharing their true beliefs and interests.

Intimacy includes accepting the other person’s flaws as long as it’s not harmful, and tolerating difficult times in the relationship, and staying steady even through moments that bring flashbacks of familial abuse.

The false self has different varieties depending on the relationship to the primary caregivers as children, such as whether the child absorbed into the parents’ needs. In some cases, the false self watches intently to determine what it must pretend to be in order to remain in good graces.

Narcissism isn’t easy on people with that terrible disorder. If they have the covert form of it, they focus on how successful they could have been and blame others for causing that tragedy — and they envy people who’ve made it. They commit suicide, have eating disorders, and become alcoholics.

They’re motivated to raise their status if they’re good at their job, but if they’re struggling, their executive function falters. They impress people in their social circle, but if they are having a bad hair day, they skip the party.

They have obvious psychological patterns, and they think they’re hiding them. They’re like children that you humor.

Vulnerable people around them fall into the trap

Perhaps you tolerate the behavior cause it’s what you’re used to in your own family. Maybe going into their strange world with them is what you’re good at. It feels like love and compassion and acceptance if your own parents had issues. You’re trying to help the Self-Esteem People feel better by showing them that you think they’re great.

Maybe they seem so fond of themselves that you seem like you’re also smart and are in the club if you dote on them. You fall into a pattern of idolizing them, telling them they’re the best, better than anyone else in the room. You start putting others down.

The rule is that you never say you’re onto their psychological quirks, even if they’ve admitted them in the past. If it’s the elephant in the room, it must stay the elephant in the room.

They become energized if they imagine what they can do or be in the future, glorying in it as if it’s true, and expecting you to be excited too. They ponder the tragedy of what they could have been if they’d only been discovered before they were too old. You show your agreement with them.

If you fall into these patterns, that’s dangerous and you might want to study experts like Richard Grannon and Sam Vaknin, so you can pull yourself out of the mire. There’s free support on the topics of narcissism and co-dependence that you can find in a community you may resonate with. Look at the comments under their YouTube videos, on Reddit and Quora.

But keep in mind that while all narcissists have continent self-esteem, not everyone who has contingent self-esteem has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). And remember that most people have some degree of narcissism along the scale that includes NPD at the top end and which also has other requirements for the diagnosis rather than just contingent self-esteem

Signs they operate from false self

These examples range from describing relatively normal people with a touch of imbalance at the time to people with full-on Narcissistic Personality Disorder by the end. While they may be made-up examples, I think you’ll relate.

She may be obsessed with certain topics that put her in a good light and her nemesis in a bad light. She makes up crass songs about her nemesis.

You try other avenues of humor and she doesn’t acknowledge them, returning all the humor always to her topics that she started. You get the message: Stay in your lane. Laugh at her antics. That’s your job. “I’ll be the funny one, here, thank you very much!” she implies.

Her bio on dating sites includes lies. Her family lies and keeps secrets.

She puts other people’s accomplishments down. You compliment her after her stories, ask questions about them, offer your perspectives. When you tell amazing stories, she says, “OK,” as if you’ve said something awkward or irrelevant. She forgets your stories, then says she forgets people’s stories if she doesn’t believe them, or they’re not important.

She spends an inordinate amount of time grooming herself, flaunts her appearance with grand gestures and name brands. She wears her girdle always.

A friend says she likes your painting on the wall. Your husband says, “Thanks, I painted that.” If you politely let her know it’s actually yours, he becomes enraged.

He talks about creating the best company in the world.

He claims he could marry any woman in the school.

He says, “Don’t worry about going by the rules; just say you’re my son,” even if he is totally obscure.

He wants his son to build a larger-than-life statue of them in the front yard with arms outstretched benevolently.

“All dogs like me,” she says. “They know. They know.”

If she runs into a friend on campus, she brags, “I have a knack for always being at the right place and time.”

If she is caught being hypocritical, she says, “Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.”

She asks, “They say you’re supposed to feel like you’re all equal, but what if you really are superior?”

If she talks about work at the restaurant, it’s not about interesting people she met there or a fellow worker she’s worried about, or wondering how to serve customers, people, better. It’s bragging on how amazingly well co-workers said that she did.

She goes on and on about what she would do if he were President. And she expects you to cheer her on and tell her she’d make a great one, even if her ideas are completely unrealistic.

He shows off his spiritual path, using jargon, practicing contorted poses in front of people, doing difficult breathing exercises at parties in the kitchen while people stand there staring, holding their beers, mouths open.

At the extreme end of the spectrum, they need to always be engaged in a battle the size of all known universes against a magickal overlord that nearly kills them repeatedly. Because they’re already dead inside.

Narcissism and self-esteem

Some parents of grandiose narcissists praised them as being better than other people, and they showed them off like accessories, whereas others put them down so much, the children countered that with an imaginary brilliance.

Parents who foster solid self-esteem in their children are caring, accepting, unconditional in their love, listening, and responding to needs. The children learn they are worthwhile beings just like everyone else, equally.

Many children with self-esteem issues protect themselves from the pain that has come from being close to people. Some do so by creating a kind of theater reality centered on their false self, whatever form that takes. They take on an imaginary role within it.

Sometimes the children picture what they want to do in their future careers, and it motivates them to actually do so.

Many use this tendency to become great artists. Whereas someone else might start out loving music, they might start out thinking that the boys who didn’t invite him to the party will feel differently once he becomes a rock star. He won’t talk to them until he can roll up in his convertible with a groupie on his arm. And he might do it. And abuse substances. And make a lot of albums. And show up late.

They feel more clever than anyone else because they can con anyone.

Photo by Grace Madeline on Unsplash

What’s your role in all this?

Is the problem that you aren’t directly asking for what you want? Are you being too giving and assuming he will be too, as soon as the imbalance dawns on him or after you explain that he’s not being fair? It only seems natural. Can Self-Esteem People be taught to be more generous? Maybe.

Try communicating poetically, creating scenarios of equality, playfully making up imaginative situations where you’re honored as well.

If you forever sacrifice yourself and over-give, it doesn’t make sense to be resentful. Give him a chance.

Poor self-esteem leads to addictions including sex, gambling, and work. Do they let down their defenses and feel good about themselves when you drink together to have a good time with you and laugh at your humor? Are you enabling their addictions so they’ll like you and be close?

Have you become absorbed into them?

You’ve recognized that he wants to establish the mood of the moment that you sync up to. That’s normal, he’s the guy. He’s the dom. Or he’s the better one at what you do. You’ve learned how to go inside someone else’s world because that’s what you learned how to do when you were young. You were good at it.

Other people didn’t tolerate the people with contingent self-esteem when you were growing up. You did. You liked them. They were quirky, eccentric, adorably self-absorbed. But you were the special friend they could show the Probably-Stradavarious to you or the map where hidden gold was located.

And now, your Self-Esteem Person’s fabulously constructed false self is powerful, charismatic, draws you in, and makes you worship him. You want to be him. To be an intrinsic part of his wonderland. To be him and also be loved by him. To be part of the team, the dynamics, the relationship — but how much of it is led by him?

How much does it bring out your best and give you a shining example at how enticing you can be when you put your all into it too, co-create a great time together, an exciting lifestyle? That can be a good thing.

But what if it’s dependent on him leading the show? How much are you existing only within his projections until he ignores you when you aren’t worthy of raising his self-esteem and you become invisible? Non-existent. You can one day make his eyes light up with excitement and the next day he ignores you completely because you don’t matter. And you’ve done nothing different overnight.

Is your life affected by these people?

Sure, some Self-Esteem-People might be built-in to your life. Could be a show-off dorm-mate, a sergeant who takes too many risks because he doesn’t want to admit a vulnerability with the troop, a professor who stutters if someone points out an incorrect statement or a seductive postal delivery person.

You might choose to stay around many of them in spite of their self-esteem issues. We all have flaws. If people have psychological challenges, that doesn’t mean we should shun them all. We might really enjoy their company or we might be helping them or related to them.

And besides, some self-esteem issues have gotten people laid and have given them the drive to push to the top, as well as the charisma to be hired. Some people might spend time with them to climb the ladder.

People with self-esteem issues just might not be very good with intimacy. As in — one person hanging out with another person because you want to get close, which is its own reward. Bonding. With interpersonal dynamics. A team.

People with healthy self-esteem are open and spontaneous, able to reveal flaws and insecurities, listen to each other because of being truly curious. They’re caring enough to attempt to remember what other people say and to ask questions about what they’ve said. They provide time in the conversation for the other people to come in with their own stories.

Most people are nothing like Self-Esteem-People. We should meet them rarely. Review your relatives, classmates, teachers, co-workers. Rare, right? What about people you draw close? Good friends, lovers, employees.

But, no, really.

Why do you draw those people into your life?

Photo by Library of Congress on Unsplash

What if it’s a minister and you can switch to a different church?

Studies indicate that low self-esteem strongly affects rates of crime, violence, and teen pregnancies.

Are you too giving, doing more than your share of the chores, or work around the office to be nice to them? Do you defend them when others complain about how little they’re getting done? Do you give them foot rubs and presents, bake and bring them their favorite cookies, look up all their health problems online to give them suggestions? Compliment them and sympathize with them. They don’t do anything like that for you, but you just take that in stride?

Is your self-esteem low enough that that is a common situation for you? Did your mother spend her time cooking and cleaning for your father while he played pool in the basement? Did they forget to ask about your life? Are you drawn to a similar situation of wistful longing for recognition now?

Take the time to deeply consider your reasons for tolerating the Self-Esteem person if you don’t need to. Ponder why you play into his or her games. Rethink your childhood and how that created the patterns playing out now. Do you see similarities between your Self-Esteem Person and a parent?

Cut the cords. Don’t desperately hope for the person to see your value. Don’t give him power over your moods. Become self-contained and independent of him. Concentrate on your relationships with people who treat you fairly and see you for who you are as a person, not as a tool. You’ll feel so much better. I promise.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Bio: Tantra Bensko has always been fascinated by the depths of human nature, which is reflected in her diploma in Psychology. She lives in Berkeley, writing novels, teaching fiction writing, and editing manuscripts.