I’M PREPARED FOR THE NEXT TIME
By: Larry Mccoy
Tags: Scam

At 83 my memory isn’t as sharp as I thought it once was. (Or even twice was.) I recently got a Facebook Friend request from someone whose name sounded familiar from a newsroom I worked in decades ago. Soon after I said “yes” to the request I received a “how’s-it-going?” message.

I recounted to this new “friend” what I’ve been doing in recent years (books written, et cetera) and asked that he remind me how we knew each other. The response ignored the question and asked if I was aware of some program that would provide me up to $150,000. My answer could have been, “Yes, that seems to be about the going rate for ladies to keep quiet about having sex with Donald John Trump.” (“John” as a middle name really fits here.)

I ran the name by one of my former CBS News bosses and was told someone on Facebook was impersonating a person we knew and was involved in a scam.

Lesson learned, I hope. The next time I encounter something fishy on the internet, someone wanting to be buddy-buddy I’ll be ready. Not only ready, I’m going to have a little fun with it, making up stuff. Many politicians do that all the time, so why can’t I.

As a public service for others who may be faced with similar situations here are a few “starter” paragraphs to get you going on a snappy response to the “How’s it going” question from someone you suspect is up to no good. The goal is to get them to leave you the hell alone.

Dear xxxx,

Well, damn. It’s so good to hear from you. Florence and I are busy as hell, partly because she’s 23 years younger than I am and can’t keep her hands off me, and partly because we’re managers of a new rock group called Hot Car Stench. If you haven’t heard of them yet, trust me you will. And soon.

Oh, wow. Sorry I started this four days ago and never finished it. See what I mean about Florence?

-0-

Yo, xxxx,

Look at that. You tracked me down. Good work. I’ve bounced around a lot in the last ten years. After that stint in London working for Boris Johnson — yes, it ended badly as most of my family said it would — I took some time off (or thought I was going to) to study for my CPA license. Then some weasel scoured the internet (get a life!) and found two outstanding warrants for me in East Eau Claire, and that CPA endeavor went down the drain. It’s serendipity that you got in touch. How are you fixed for cash, old friend? Large, fast cash?

-0-

Hey xxxx,

Refresh my memory if you don’t mind. Did we work together at Ford Motors or are you the guy who borrowed my JetBlue credit card one night (with my permission) to buy five cans of whipped cream at some insane place in Louisiana. Right next to Trader Joe’s if memory serves. If you are Mr. Whipped Cream, what a night that was and no, you dummy, I didn’t give whatever her name was my phone number. Not even my real name for that matter. How she got your cell number, I don’t know. Don’t blame me.

-0-

I’ve now blocked whoever it was trying to scam me on Facebook. I need to keep this essay short and get back to dealing with a fresh email from the government of Venezuela where the national bank has $3 million with my name on it if only I answer a few simple questions and do so my midnight tonight. Maybe I’ll send them the Boris Johnson business above.

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UPCOMING EVENT

Irene and I will be reading Monday evening July 19th at the Schoolhouse Green in Oceanside, New York. We will read together at least one piece dealing with 60+ years of marriage. If we are still on speaking terms after that, we will read some pieces of our own. Irene may read something from her book “Only Gypsies Move on Sunday.” Who knows what I will end up doing, but it won’t be political. These sessions begin a little after 7 p.m. You have to bring your own chair or steal one. The Schoolhouse Green is on Foxhurst Road between Oceanside and Long Beach Roads.