The bits of Bella you never got to see
By: Jane Mcqueen
Tags: LGBT, Relationships, Bella, Pure Love

Online she had an amazing presence; well you don’t get that many followers without doing something right. She would help people the best she could, she would advise people on surgeries that she had had so they knew what to expect. She would talk to people about coming out, or that dreade3d first-day full time. In short, you got to see an amazing person through your screens.

In-person she was essentially no different at all, be it while she was working and giving people tips that should help them solve a problem. Or her helping my mental health in ways I never thought would be possible. There would still be mild mood swings, but not the huge ones I used to get; hell she even liked it when I got a little hypo-manic as she liked seeing me full of energy and a spring in my step looking for some mischief to start, normally nothing major but things like deliberate winding up GC people for fun, and seeing what their reaction would be.

The depression was the hardest part normally for me to deal with, but when we were together there was the very little major depressive episode. There was one, and we could both see it coming, and one Friday evening after we had eaten it started to come out, bit by bit it dropped out until it was all revealed, sort of like a melting ice sculpture. She had recently got into an online game, meaning she was spending a lot of time downstairs inform of the bedroom door playing here game with her friends, and I was feeling a bit neglected. I am not generally a person who would say something to upset the balance over these things. But for a couple of nights, I had been planning while I was in bed what options I had When it came to suicide, and I picked a method and was all ready to buy the pills I was going to use.

When it just slipped out one Friday evening, and then it dominated our weekend. We would talk about it and she did promise that she would come up and socialise more with me rather than spending 8 hours at a time playing the game with her friends. I should have just said something to her and she would have come and spent time with me instead of before it got to this point again. Then after we had spent most of the weekend talking about it we hugged and made up and agreed that I would be more vocal about things rather than keeping them bottled up. The way she handled that situation was in my view about as good as it gets, she knew very little about bipolar at that point but educated herself on it for future reference, now who else would do something like that unless they did love you unconditionally.

While we were still at my one-bedroom flat I got a phone call from Charring cross hospital asking if I would be ok with so and so date to have my surgery. Now, this was really soon, I think it was about 4 weeks away, I said I would need to check with my mother as she would be the one bringing me down for the treatment. So I got their number and called my mum who said it wasn’t an issue and then called them back, not, unfortunately, they hadn’t checked the surgeon they had assigned me as she was about to go on maternity leave just before that period so she couldn’t do it. Their other surgery did have a date not too much further in the future, the pre-op appointment was on 15th June and the surgery on the 12 July. I was shocked by how soon they were but was all up for it. So the first person I called was Bella, to tell her the good news, she said that she would come down with me and then go up to her mums in Northampton, but she could probably only afford to be in the hotel in London for 1 night as they were very expensive.

It then turned out that my mum had to do some work training so wasn’t able to come with me more than drop me off and pick me up. So instead of just leaving it there, she booked another 2 nights for Bella at the same hotel, so I had Bella for a large portion of my stay in the hospital, which was amazing because at that point we had only been together for at most 6 months and she was prepared to do this for me. When it came to the end of visiting hours most of the nurses turned a blind eye to Bella sitting in the corner, as I should have had a private room and been on a self-administered drip of morphine. Neither was done so I was stuck on a general surgical wall and that was it. So as a way of keeping me happy Bella could stay till just before bedtime.

Doing things like this just cemented how much I cared about her and her about me. I truly believed that I had found the woman I was going to grow old with.

So when she was going for her surgery in Thailand there was only one person who was going to go with her to keep her safe and get her what she was after. That was me, I made sure we ate at least twice a day and god any little bits that she wanted on top, like the iced teas which she really enjoyed. The month there was really nice, we couldn’t do much post her surgery as she found it hard to walk about for long times, so I didn’t want to push her on anything and risk her not being able to fly home on the date we had set. We were lucky the TVs in the rooms were smart ones so had Netflix built-in so we ended up watching at least 100 films in the time we were there. It was also a little odd having Christmas day with a temperature at about 35c, which was lovely. Where I was more gung-ho with my recovery and did what needed doing Bella was what the doctor says goes and that was what made her time there as a patient an amazing one.

In other areas that I am not going to name you were more than amazing, letting me cook and do all the housework (you would let me do) was wonderful for me to do. I loved to cook meals for the two of us, be it something simple in a pan like spaghetti and sauce with some cheese on the top of it, or something like a lasagne or a toad in the hole. Was just so good to see the look on your face as you took the first bite and I could see you were enjoying it.

I didn’t mind that I had become a semi-domesticated housewife, in fact, I rather enjoyed it making sure you were looked after was my aim and taking care of you so no harm could come to you was my desire. I know if I wasn’t there for several hours the odds are you probably wouldn’t have had anything to eat and only a minimal number of drinks. Whereas I would ensure you got something to eat in the morning and got you close to the 7–8 glasses of water a day that you are supposed to drink.

At first, I got a bit annoyed when you just ordered me an e-cig and some liquids, without us really discussing it. But I know you did it because you wanted me around as long as possible so that we could be two old ladies who took care of each other for a long time, and eventually did come around to the idea, and yes I would buy the odd pack of cigarettes now and then, but it wasn’t because I wanted to smoke them. But over my 39 years of life that was my way to deal with stress, so that’s why it happened. Then the next day I could go back to the e-cig. You did it because you cared about me and wanted my health to be at its best it could be, which was an amazing thing to do.

Then it was the little things, the little jokes that we had built up over time, like how we would say good morning to each other as I heard you coming up the stairs. Or how we had named all our small soft toys with silly names like “Engelbert Swagallbothom III” and given him a whole silly back story about him being a mafia hitman who was addicted to crystal meth. Then there was the Baby Yoda, who was not getting called anything else, nor was his back story being changed. Or Terrance the Bisexual Dinosaur who was bullied occasionally buy Engelbert, so we had to separate them. Or there was Felicity Mayweather Super Sleuth Extraordinaire, who after a long career in the police retired and became a private eye.

Then there was just how ticklish you were fun for me, not so much fun for you I imagine. I know that I did make you cry with laughter a few times, and that was always fun. Likewise when you tried to tickle my feet as they were the only part of me that was.

I am sure I could go on and on about little things that made us both happy together and plan what was to be a wonderful future. But that is not going to happen now, and all I am left with is memories, so I thought I would share some of them with you all today so you could see the side of Bella that lived outside of Twitter. I may do another one at some point as there are still loads of things I could happily share with you all, so you could know nearly as much as I do. It was such a pleasure to share the time we did, and you were the most amazing person I have ever met. Where ever you are right not I hope to join you one day soon.