How We Disrupted and Destroyed our “About Us” Page.
By: Marcus Lansdell
Tags: Humor, Comedy, Advertising, Funny, Satire

Advertising is dead and we killed it. We are the Four Horsemen of the Adpocalypse® and that thunderous noise you hear is the sound of our stallions trampling on the status quo. In the time that it takes you to read this sentence, we’ve come up with the next big thing, and guess what? It just got retro. The script flipped, the consumer runs the show and we’re the deep listeners tuning our trend receptors to ultra-sensitive mode. When a client comes to us with their brand, we imagine it as an ever-transforming tangled network of outcomes, a jumbled knot of interweaving strategic possibilities that only we can unravel to reveal the hottest hashtags.

Creativity is our religion and the marketplace is our one true God. We search tirelessly so that when we find what we seek, we’ve already been looking for it the whole time. This is why we’ve developed the Seeker Session™. It’s a unique, secretive idea spawn shop, a hive pod, a global edifice with no walls, an infinite echo chamber of divine inspiration. Here, the client can ask “what can you do for our brand?” and we will reply “well, what have you been doing for your brand that you can do better?” We are not just problem solvers, we are problem inventors. We invent problems with solutions that require soup to nuts horizontal integration. We are eclectic and dyslexic because to see something in the correct order is to see it in the box and we’ve sliced that box up with our diamond-sharp originality box cutters.

You’ve met creators and curators, but you’re about to meet the only #cureators in town. Our approach can easily be described as mystical or psychedelic but the truth is, it’s just our meme muscle memory, constantly churning pure instinct butter. We are so boutique other boutiques feel like Walmart. We’re the family we wished we had with the unconditional love that offered just enough support without smothering; always there, encouraging us to be the best trend brand steward we can be. If you’re looking for the words “digital”, “social” or “integrated” before the word “Agency” then you’ve come to the wrong place — of course we’re all of these yet they’re woefully insufficient to capture who we truly are. We’re a rag-tag ensemble of creatives, surfers, beauticians, holy women, clerks, park rangers, and redundant systems optimizers. Look around some more and you’ll find former child stars, environmental engineers, best boy grips, mascots and yes a smattering of alpha males.

Now for real though, let’s do away with the adspeak and get down to some truthspeak. Here you are reading yet another agency’s about section and you’re thinking these are just a bunch of words strung together by some freelance copywriter they hired. Annoying buzzer sound, wrong! I, Wilson Blichter founder/partner/spiritual guide at BL&O+W wrote this to wake you from your slumber. You’ve been had by every single agency desperately scratching and clawing to win your account. This isn’t rocket science and we’re not saving any lives (though we did donate 1% of our profits last year to the Save a Life Foundation). If we have to convince you to come over and succeed with us then we’ve already failed. Please take a moment now and ask yourself why you’re reading about pages when the work speaks for itself…that’s what I thought. Now would be the perfect time to click contact us.

This article was originally published on McSweeney’s Internet Digest