Phone Calls With Dead Authors: William Shakespeare
By: John Emmerling
Tags: Writing, Shakespeare, Literature, Brooklyn, Humor

Phone Calls With Dead Authors: William Shakespeare

Once I got him on the phone, he spilled the beans

Shakespeare, in a surprisingly revealing phone call. Image: Mercopress —edited by the author

Recently, I found a dusty antique phone in my great-grandmother’s attic. When I polished it the phone began to glow. Intrigued, I dialed a random number. Wow! The phone was a direct connection to an ethereal network of dead authors. The following conversation will benefit academic scholars and devoted students of literature. Any casual reader, who may have tired of watching Seinfeld or Game of Thrones re-runs, is also welcome to have a look.

TRANSCRIPT FOLLOWS:

ME: Hello — I’m trying to reach a Mr. William Shakespeare.

WS: (DISTINCT BROOKLYN ACCENT) Yeah, that’d be me.

ME: Ah, yes, but I was hoping to speak to the William Shakespeare who once lived in Stratford-upon-Avon. From the mid-1500s into the 1600s.

WS: I’m your boy — whazzup?

ME: Well, sir, I must say I’m a bit taken aback. I rather thought your style of speaking would be more Elizabethan in manner. Are you indeed the revered Bard who once penned the words, “ . . . a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

WS: Yeah, dat’s my stuff. But, y’know, that uppity lingo sucks. Those frilly words made the actors sound pompous — like dey wuz walkin’ around with sticks up their asses.

ME: So, what’s with the Brooklyn accent?

WS: See, here’s da thing. For the past twenty years, my best buddy here has been a Brooklyn comedian named Henny Youngman. Y’know him?

ME: Oh, sure, he’s famous for his zinger: “Take my wife — please!”

WS: (WISTFULLY) I’d give two Hamlets and a King Lear to have written that line. So, anyway, Henny’s been teaching me Brooklynese.

ME: Actually, according to Wikipedia, Henny was born in London. His family moved to Brooklyn when he was a child.

WS: You coulda fooled me — that suckah sure don’t have no limey accent when he’s doin his schtick. And I friggin’ love his stuff! How about the line where he goes: “So my wife sez to me, ‘For our anniversary I wanna go somewhere I’ve never been before.’ And then Henny says, ‘Try the kitchen!’”

ME: Yeah, I guess that’s funny. But does Henny like your writing?

WS: I did ask him once if he’d read any of my plays. He said he might have glanced at a couple but, well — y’know that comment about actors having “sticks up their asses?” That sorta came from Henny, but he said it in a nice way.

ME: Well, sir, the reason I called is to get the answer to a question Shakespearean scholars would like to settle. Did you write all your plays by yourself?

WS: Are you fucking kidding me? My name is on 39 plays, 154 sonnets, and a bunch of scripts for porn shows that ran in Whitechapel. I had a whole TEAM of writers working for me. Sort of like that guy you’ve got who knocks out a dozen detective potboilers a year. Pat Jammerson or something like that.

ME: You must mean James Patterson. He works with several co-authors and has more than 300 million books in print.

WS: Love that guy! With his stable of scribes I’ll bet he hasn’t lifted a quill pen in 30 years. The dude sits back and watches the big bucks roll in.

ME: Yeah, and Hollywood keeps optioning his books, too.

WS: That reminds me — I’ve got a beef with your Hollywood people. You got any connections there?

ME: Sorry, I’m just a minor author who lives in New York City.

WS: New York City? Nevah hoid of it. Anyway, I wanna know why the hotshots at Netflix or Amazon aren’t producing a flock of miniseries using my plays? For example, how about Macbeth?

ME: Oh, you mean the play that actors won’t speak the name of?

WS: Huh?! What’s that all about?

ME: Actors think if they say Macbeth out loud it brings a curse of bad luck. So they refer to it in hushed tones as “the Scottish play.”

WS: That’s fakakta!!! If I wanted to name it that I would have named it that. The play’s name is Macbeth — MACBETH! — maybe you could pass the word.

ME: I’ll call Actors Equity and ask if they’ll mention it in their next newsletter.

WS: Thanks, pal — I owe you one. Now I’m off for brunch with Henny. He’s serving original Brooklyn bagels and they’re fantastic!

ME: Having yours with a schmear?

WS: What else, bubeleh?

CLICK. BUZZ.