The Evolution of Female Sex-pectations
By: Stacie Morris
Tags: Women, Humor, Relationships Love Dating, Sex, Men

We’re not difficult to please, but we do fake orgasms.

A woman’s participation in and expectations of her sex life are easily broken down into decades. For every confused labia lover of the fairer sex, we’ll break it down to some insights into where her head is at, what her body is up to and how to exceed her sex-pectations.

Photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash

Not a decade but 2 years, 18–19.

She’s a very young woman having sex with you because you are the one! You are her Prince Charming, her walk down the aisle. No, she’s not really having orgasms, even though she mimics the sounds and facial expressions on television. She is tingly and tickled but she doesn’t even know how to channel that or even comprehend the difference of what will one day come. She’s just happy that you tell her you love her every time she asks you if you love her.

She doesn’t even know she’s allowed to have sex-pectations and anytime with you is better than no time at all. This is where she will experience some of the biggest heartbreaks of her life. If you want to exceed her sex-pectations at this age, do her a favor and just say no.

2. Roaring Twenties

She’s got a bad-ass body and she’s practiced. Hours of personal, all alone time figuring out her body with mechanical devices. If she’s lucky, you’ve been studying the Kama Sutra rather than Porn Hub, but who are we kidding.

She is young; she has the stamina to go at this all night. Trying to get you in just the right position that she knows will work without having to actually use her words. There’s no talking in sex unless it’s dirty and she wants you to feel like a stud, so she fakes a few big O’s to try to keep you going. Only to learn that you think you’ve done your job and it’s over. She can’t tell the truth now! She’ll be right back, she’s going to rinse off in the shower and silently hoping that you have a removable shower head.

Her sex-pectations are so confused, that she thinks making you think she is pleased will somehow get her satisfied sooner or later. It will all magically work out.

In order to exceed sex-pectations she hasn’t even cataloged yet, just start with oral on her and learn to perform it well. Anything you do after that will have her telling her girlfriends you are amazing!

Photo by Guido Fuà on Unsplash

3. Dirty Thirties

She watches porn now. Oh yes, yes she does! She has developed fetishes, taboo desires and most importantly, she knows that you have been watching a lie your whole life. Foreplay is a real thing. It apparently takes place off camera before Debbie Does Anything, because if it didn’t, we know Debbie is faking.

She has words, she has directional pointers and if she thinks you’re going to “accidentally” grunt and fall on top of her because she is just “too hot.” She has no qualms pig-rolling you into her favorite position to control EVERYTHING. You are now the submissive one with tiny tears and whispers of love and she relishes in those moments.

Meeting a woman's sexual expectations in her 30’s requires training. Work on your stamina when you’re alone, stay hydrated and leave if she rolls over to go to sleep. Don’t gasp my darlings; we all learned that one from you!

4. Forties Finally!

When she’s reached the Big 4–0, this mid-life milestone brings a confidence and serenity to a woman’s boudoir. She knows herself well enough to teach workshops on pleasure pointers and if you ask her to coach one, she probably will. She’s having wine and cheese parties selling Pleasure Palace adult novelties to all of her divorcee friends and dating four men at least 10 years younger. She’s a teacher, a mentor, a physical philosopher and one sexual session will probably last five to eight hours so she’s satisfied with no regrets for a good month.

She thinks it’s cute when you’re rapid, rabid and sloppy. But she’ll never tell you in words that might wreck your ego. Instead she will guide you like the sexual Jedi she is, having mastered her body, other women’s bodies (yep!) and men’s bodies with the memory that a woman can hold.

There are no sex-pectations for a woman in her forties. She’s seen it, done it, and tried it. Pleasure becomes connection and wisdom sharing. Enter the cougars. Twenty-something band members and frat boys don’t fulfill kitten by any means. She’s educating. She is masterfully educating the young males of today to be better lovers for the women in their Roaring Twenties and Dirty Thirties on her watch.

5. Fifty and Still Fun?

It’s a question I can’t answer as a mentor. I’m 46.

But my fingers are crossed for the next decade and hopefully my legs won’t be.