Now That Women Are In Charge We Are Going To Make Some Changes
By: Sarah Lofgren
Tags: Humor, Satire, Feminism, Women, Leadership

Now That Women Are In Charge We Are Going To Make Some Changes

Don’t worry. This won’t hurt. Much.

In case you slept through the news, after thousands of years spent standing on the second place podium (and occasionally moving down to the third place podium when a particularly well-appointed cow or duck with nice feathers showed up), women are finally in charge. It’s 2019 and we’ve used our longer and shinier fingernails to claw our way to the top rung of society’s ladder. Now we’re hanging out up here, munching on Red Delicious apples and watching chaps scurry around below like confused ants after someone takes a blowtorch to their colony. We’re updating our Instagram accounts while they’re attempting to reconstruct their burning kingdom with only ant spit and rage.

Silly ants.

There’s nothing you can do.

Because we’re in charge, now.

Sorry if you weren’t ready for this, but we don’t have to say “sorry” anymore. Because sorry is for second-placers. Apologies are for the overthrown. Better get your sunglasses out, my dudes, because we’re ready to shine shine shine.

And we have a few changes we’d like to make.

We’ve been fantasizing about this for a while. Right in between the fantasy about equal pay and having a massage chair that follows us around the street all day long for when we need it.

Some of our plans are practical and will make the world a better place.

Others are for our own amusement.

The statues are getting replaced

You know how you can go almost anywhere in the world and there will be a statue of some bloke looking bored or important? Maybe a writer or a fighter? Meh. We’re over it. They’re all coming down. Instead, we’re going to put up statues of majestic unicorns that are prettier to look at and don’t give us that “going into the office on a Saturday” feeling.

There will be glitter.

Deal with it.

Men now need permission to use the internet

Sorry gentlemen. The internet is no longer your domain. We make the rules online and we’re going to put flowers on EVERYTHING. Also, in order to log on, each of you needs a permission slip signed by five of the women in your life. Those women can also revoke your permission at any time.

Maybe you’re shocked at this. Maybe it feels like a violation of your rights. Don’t worry so much! Lots of the fellas who read my articles are seriously great sirs and I’d be happy to contribute my signature to their permission slips.

But, I have a feeling there are other bucks out there who aren’t going to be able to get their daily fix of dank memes and that can only be a good thing.

Women are no longer having the babies

We haven’t worked out exactly how this is going to work, but it’s good news for you, buddies. You are going to experience the joy of childbirth. We’re done with pregnancy.

Men’s fashion is going to get a little more exciting

All y’all chums will be very happy for this one. When women weren’t in charge of everything, brohans who wore crazy duds were the exception, not the norm. But you guys are boring our eyeballs (not literally). We’d like a little more hullabaloo when it comes to the fabrics you drape on your shapes. Think prints. Think feathers. Think sparkles and bows and ticker tape parades and hats of every color and size. Kazoos in all your pockets. Black lace or head-to-toe plaid in the summertime. Velvet would not go amiss.

The male body isn’t a terrible thing. Let’s stop cloaking it in khaki and middle-management blue. Give us something to look at, daddios.

“Example of ideal male fashion modeled by figure on the right” Photo by Niver Vega on Unsplash

I’m sure all the women out there are very pleased we’ve finally managed to dominate the stubborn male species and fix everything that is wrong with the universe. Fortunately we’re too wise and beautiful to require (much) revenge for all the things they did while they were in control.

We don’t hate men! Some of them are great!

We only want peace, harmony and a few chuckles.

Certainly the silly codgers will complain and kick their feet, but after a few years they’ll have to accept the fact that we’re better at everything. Then they can settle happily into the brave new world we’ve created for them. On that day they’ll look out across a sea of unicorn statues, finally understanding that all is good and they are safe.