I Dream To Escape My Grief
By: Wistful Writer
Tags: Relationships, Loss, Love, This Happened To Me, Grief

I Dream To Escape My Grief

Sketch by me.

I am in your arms, embracing you…letting myself melt.

A slight pause just as our lips are about to meet..We look into each other’s eyes,

I close mine, parting my lips slightly…

We kiss…………………..I am falling … BANG!! My arm crashed on the nightstand and my beautiful dream…was over. Yes, I was dreaming. Of him, my one love, again. There have been so many dreams, good, bad, sad, happy, passionate, confusing…all kinds. Over the last 3 years, since he died, I have been on a roller coaster. My life changed gears a month into his death and has been rolling down the path pretty much without any control.

I have changed 3 countries and 2 continents in the past 3 years. Everything, almost everything in my life has changed. My marriage, my friendships, my social circle, my furniture, my car, my clothes…you name it, and it's all changed.

What hasn't changed is …the grief.

That feeling of despair, loss, and overwhelming sadness…still sits on my chest like a boulder that won't budge. The entire experience of falling in love while being married to someone else followed by the painful ordeal of losing my love so brutally has been extremely hard for me to process.

Every day is like a new day, where I have to remind myself to keep going. Reminisce his words, and how full of life he was. How he would want me to live happily, and fulfill all my dreams…if only.

But I try, I try…and am trying. With everything I have, I give it my all. I strive to be happier, healthier and make myself a priority in whatever ways I can. Coz I know that is what he would want.

I sometimes think about how this has changed me —

I have zero expectations these days. I don't expect much, or rather nothing from most situations and people. This comes naturally to me now, and it helps. It curbs disappointment and the hurt which accompanies it.

these days. I don't expect much, or rather nothing from most situations and people. This comes naturally to me now, and it helps. It curbs disappointment and the hurt which accompanies it. I value people, I let small things go. The earlier me would hold on to something someone said for years. Hold on to the negative feelings, the hurt from some silly, irrelevant situation, and nurse grudges against them for ages. Expecting apologies and all the drama.

Now I just quickly evaluate in my head, is this trivial disagreement more important to me than the person in question? If not then, I usually diffuse things by quickly moving on or sometimes apologizing even if it's not needed. I value the person more, and I know better…I know tomorrow might not come .

The earlier me would hold on to something someone said for years. Hold on to the negative feelings, the hurt from some silly, irrelevant situation, and nurse grudges against them for ages. Expecting apologies and all the drama. Now I just quickly evaluate in my head, is this trivial disagreement more important to me than the person in question? If not then, I usually diffuse things by quickly moving on or sometimes apologizing even if it's not needed. . I live in the moment, well this one might have its downsides but I still do it anyways. I take risks I might not have taken before. I have found ways to make myself happy and fill in the gaps in my life, even if temporarily. Adultery is something I was never a supporter of, but I now find myself actively indulging in. My marriage is a mess, and the love of my life is dead.

So this works for me, finding momentary passion, and then returning to my child, my home, my life. Survival, I call it. People ask why I don't leave…well, I have nowhere else to be, no one out there whom I really long for.

well this one might have its downsides but I still do it anyways. I take risks I might not have taken before. I have found ways to make myself happy and fill in the gaps in my life, even if temporarily. Adultery is something I was never a supporter of, but I now find myself actively indulging in. My marriage is a mess, and the love of my life is dead. So this works for me, finding momentary passion, and then returning to my child, my home, my life. I have become a very patient person. Earlier I was impatient, immature, and needed instant gratification for most things. Now, I am happy to calmly wait, to get what I eventually am eyeing or need. I can wait, for as long as required. Waiting…is after all my destiny now.

Earlier I was impatient, immature, and needed instant gratification for most things. Now, I am happy to calmly wait, to get what I eventually am eyeing or need. I can wait, for as long as required. Waiting…is after all my destiny now. I am afraid, yes I am. I am always afraid of losing people, hence afraid to form attachments . When someone gets sick or doesn't respond to texts within a reasonable time, I panic. This is a major major hindrance for me nowadays. I tend to freeze, and waves of panic drown me. So yes, overthinking has become a thing for me now, it wasn't before. And it's hard to explain it to people, especially coz my trauma has to remain a secret(after all it was an extramarital love, taboo for this society).

Add to it this pandemic, and am sure you know it's a tricky tightrope walk of panic and calm for me these days.

. When someone gets sick or doesn't respond to texts within a reasonable time, I panic. This is a major major hindrance for me nowadays. I tend to freeze, and waves of panic drown me. So yes, overthinking has become a thing for me now, it wasn't before. And it's hard to explain it to people, especially coz my trauma has to remain a secret(after all it was an extramarital love, taboo for this society). Add to it this pandemic, and am sure you know it's a tricky tightrope walk of panic and calm for me these days. I dream…I dream more. Almost every night, mostly of him. They help me, they are a respite, an escape…to the world of “what could have been”.That is the only way I get to see him, touch him, hear him, make love to him. I do it all in my dreams. I was always a dreamer, but now I look forward to bedtime. Even though his voice is always in my head, and am pretty sure I am haunted in some odd way by him. Dreams are my favorite place, I get to be with him there…

They say grief changes you, I agree. I agree it does change you, loss transforms you, makes you harsher, tougher on the outside and broken, fragile on the inside.

But all this is so much better when we read it in stories. Coz in real life, trust me as I tell you this…this is a nightmare, a never-ending, excruciating, exhausting one. I would rather be in normal plain life, with no such baggage and trauma.

But am here now, life has pushed me onto this path. Carrying him with me, following my damaged heart…as it takes me down the journey, the journey of life…

Constantly growing, changing, but ….also constantly grieving.

And Dreaming, Escaping…