My Seizure-Inducing Christmas Display Is My Constitutional Right
By: Matthew Reeves
Tags: Humor, Satire, Constitution, Christmas, Holidays

My Seizure-Inducing Christmas Display Is My Constitutional Right

This is an open-and-shut case of the Christmas elites gagging an artist.

Photo by Barry Plott from Pexels

I plead not guilty to the charges of resisting arrest at my front yard’s festive scene. Your honor, as I have rejected a court-appointed attorney, I will read my defense to the court.

Would the jury please turn their attention to Photograph A, in which you will see my bungalow’s front yard has been turned into one sweet-ass canvas.

Let me start by objecting to the First Lutheran Church’s statement that the “sheet of literally thousands of piercing white lights measures 40,000 lumens” is “an impediment to worship” on the grounds that all canvases are white, and mine represents snow.

I also wish to strike from the record the idea this scene is “offensive” because “Rudolph is snorting the snow” into his Corvette-red nose. I am artfully showing how Christmas scenes have turned into a drug. Let us not forget, it’s only philistines who think bold art is offensive.

The hump under the snow is my Seadoo. It is not part of the display.

I will take a sidebar to denounce the petition from the daycare across the street. Yes, I admit Bugs Bunny nailed to a cross is intended to shock. Yes, I am making a statement about how capitalism kills children’s idols and religion in pursuit of profit. And yes, I’m truly sorry about the seizures. When I heard, I immediately turned down the speed of the strobe light.

The petition, your judgefuless, also takes umbridge with my main sculptural centerpiece: a simple nineteen-foot LED Santa that sits atop the roof of my bungalow. His laser-eyes and carnival-inspired light spectacle are a metaphor for Christmas’s growing untouchability in American society.

I submit Exhibit A into evidence. Behold a tape recording of my art’s biggest fan. That’s right, jurfolk! You have just heard none other than 178.7 Wolfdog FM’s star, John the BapBeast saying “this is fucking sick, brother” during my interview with him last week.

BapBeast also said my art was “totally rad” in reference to the sexy Mrs. Claus bent over a manger in front of Santa. The artistic message is that she is us, and Mr. Claus is Bill Gates and Wall Street. They are screwing us. We’re the victims, people.

But I am the biggest victim, a victim in the first degree! I am the one who has suffered an illegal property invasion by a fire marshal. I am the one who survived the shutting down of my diesel generator that powers Santa’s legendary pelvical thrusting that represents capitalism’s unstoppable pumping.

Another victim is the blind, because when the generator was shut down, so too was Santa’s hourly cry of “Ho, Ho, Ho, noooooo” which represents the post-ejaculatory spending guilt we feel in January. Does the jury believe the visually impaired shouldn’t enjoy art?

Luckily for the blind, the nightly concerto of Insane Clown Posse’s Jingle My Mothafucking Balls Bitch that plays from my cousin’s speakers was unaffected. Although it only plays from 2 pm to 4 am, so they need to get here on time.

In closing, I ask the jury one question: Do you want to live in a country that erases art merely because it “endangers lives” with “illegally imported explosives”? In my America, artists would be free to have Bolivian fireworks shoot from Santa’s impressive candy-cane johnson.

This is an open-and-shut case of the Christmas elites gagging an artist.

So let me say to the jury. I was not resisting arrest or endangering the public with La Paz’s finest explosives. I created performance art that brought me, the protestors, the church, the fire department, Bisbee’s Juggalo branch, and the bomb squad together.

Isn’t that — your honorific — the real meaning of Christmas? Togetherness? And if you care to check, I think you’ll find that’s protected by our first appendage rights.