So You Are An Extrovert Dating An Introvert
By: Emily Sto
Tags: Relationships, Introvert, Dating, Love, Extrovert

My sweetheart (introvert) with me (extrovert)

Welcome to the weird wonderful world of being an extrovert dating an introvert. It is an exciting land, filled with opportunities for growth, fun adventures, and sometimes educational lessons on patience. You will find that the road to dating bliss does not equal lots more time spent together (we will talk more about that in a bit), nor does it equal your introvert partner changing (again, we will unpack that more later). I strive in this post to talk about my own lessons learned and the ways in which us extroverts can love our introverted partners better. I do not claim to be an expert on introverts, rather these are the things that I have learned over my rich dating and friendship history with these lovely individuals.

“ *whispers* Let’s hear it for the introverts!”

I adore introverts. As a massive extrovert, I am often amazed at how little people interaction my introverted loves need. I once dated a boy who I believed was content to simply exist in his corner in the world, to only come out for the occasional trip to Whole Foods or the local coffee shop. I say that not as a negative, but rather pointing out that he was strong enough to be in his own sphere, engaging in his own interests, and needing not much validation.

The mind of the introvert never ceases to fascinate me, and yes, I am not saying this just as someone who is dating a highly creative, smart outgoing introvert. I have yet to meet an introvert who has not been incredibly intriguing with a level of genius. They have always been these mystical like humans. I often have found myself just wanting to shut up more, to listen, and to observe the introverts around me. Extroverts have so much to learn from our introverts friends and loves.

I believe that introverts are often misunderstood and underspoken of. If you want further evidence of this idea, I recommend “Quiet” by Susan Cain. Society is built to validate and offer space to extroverts. The more forthright emoting person is often seen as the more capable or knowledgeable person. These discrepancies of reality even begin in childhood where the introverts were likely seen as the “weird” kid, or “unsocial” kid. They perhaps are viewed as “shy.” These individuals are labeled and presumed to be one thing rather than a vastly complex fascinating human.

There are many of rich friendships and interactions us extroverts likely missed out on because we brushed folks away. I think of my beloved friends in high school that I could have missed out on knowing, the boy that taught me invaluable lessons about people and the demons we wrestle with, or the girl with the big heart who never ceased to make me laugh and cause mayhem. My life has been better having known them. This is one example of how the introverted humans we cross paths with might be misunderstood by our lovely extroverted selves, therefore, I submit for your consideration, a few other myths about introverts.

Myth: “Do they even like me? Probably not that much.”

In relationship portrayal, extroverted expressions and gestures are what is shown to be the defining displays of affection. Think people holding stereos above their head or expressing admiration over microphones. Now, there is nothing wrong with an outward action or remark, but just because your introvert may not be as outright with their affection, do not dismiss them as frigid or unfeeling towards you.

Myth: “They do not want to be around me, so they evade seeing me.”

Extroverts, this might be one of the most difficult myths to tackle. We see time and interaction as something that not only fuels our heart, but it ignites our energy, yet for our introverted humans those same interactions have the opposite effect. For example, our introverts tell us that a particular night in question is not good for them to hang out, even if they have told us that they have nothing planned. Our extroverted selves hear that they do not want to see us. In reality, your introverted person most likely needs to recharge. Perhaps they work a taxing job, for example, interacting with people in customer service. Maybe they have had back to back nights of going out. I once dated someone who I felt often like they did not wish to see me. I did not account for their cashier/food service job, college classes, extracurricular activities, family, and other friends that used their energy up. Their affection looked like endearing text messages in between their activies and song ideas that they knew I would love, and yet I would brush past these efforts. I neglected to assign immense meaning to the times that we spent together and their own ways of showing me love.

Myth: “They would prefer I not talk to them.”

An introvert once told me that they feel as if their introversion causes people to think they are unapproachable. They believe that people will be afraid to engage with them because they are not acting extroverted in a social situation. Many of introverts that I know have expressed to me the pleasure of just observing a party or other human interactions, which I believe may cause an extrovert to create a judgement. This enjoyable activity of intaking the social setting does not mean that they do not want you to speak to them. Rather, they may prefer the side conversation on the couch rather than the loud boisterous conversation at the kitchen table, but again, this is just an example, not the rule.

Myth: “They must not like people.”

To be an introvert is based upon where you get your energy and how one recharges and processes the world. It is not an indicator of how much they enjoy people. For example, one introverted friend of mine jumped up and gave me a hug of introduction when we first met. Another introverted friend was the first to pull me into a night of dancing on Pride Night. A few other introverted folks I know spend their free time acting on stages and performing for the masses. Your introverted person might be an outgoing introvert. They also may spend extended amounts of time engaging in solitude. For me, an introvert’s affection, even platonic, towards me holds a different depth of weight. I know that their displays and forthright actions come at a cost to them. It is exerting energy; it is pulling something of out them on behalf of another person. On a more fun note, I should note that introverts have always better the better kissers in my dating history, obviously proving that they definitely do not dislike people.

How can I improve, Em?

My dearly beloved extroverts, we have to be better about loving our introvert loves and friends. Some of my greatest regrets in life revolve around the times where I chose to not allow the “space” for my person’s “solitude.” This is a journey of learning, and I will be the first to say that I have yet to achieve my goal of doing this well. I can offer some recommendations of things to think about as you love your local introverts.

Listen more.

I believe that the perspective of the introvert is invaluable and offers significant insight. For example, I would never have slowed down enough to notice inflections in my partner’s voice, but my lovely sweetheart pointed out to me that I clear my throat before I say something flirty. I have also found that they challenge me to learn to stand alone, to embrace solitude. My world does not have enough quiet, and my introverted loves consistently remind me to try and learn to live in the still. Be prepared to really hear them when they say that they are tired and need to recharge or rest.

2. Let go frequent

Allow the space for your introvert to go “introvert.” For example, if you notice that perhaps you and your significant other have multiple activities, and they have not had the space to recharge, perhaps reschedule a double date or go to something alone. Be conscious of when your introvert might be hitting their wall. Sure, there are things that cannot be helped. My introverted loves will be the first to tell you that sometimes that extra activity is so much fun, and they would rather do it at a cost to themselves. As poet Rilke once stated, “I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other.” Our partners and friends are responsible for their own actions, but I believe that love is those selfless moments where we die to our own desires and help create more space for their space.

3. Love them in the manner that they wish for

They may hold high distain for public displays of affection. They may view expression of feeling as a sacred, private act. This is not to say that it is okay if they pretend as if you do not exist. I believe that the best example is of my sweetheart. He does not enjoy public displays of affection, yet it should be noted that so many other pieces of his life are on display for the general public. Therefore, we, without words, compromise. I adore having my hand held, and it is something that he is comfortable doing out in public. We do not often kiss in public, though I might sneak one at a red light. I know that loving him often looks like fingers squeezed under crisp tableclothes, and he knows that a hand held while walking down the street reminds me of his deep affection.

Introverts are some of the best humans that you will meet. They see the world in a unique manner and need to be seen for all the beauty that they bring to friendships and relationships. I have often found myself to be rescued by the love and efforts of an introvert. One friend noted this past holiday season that I was at a rare extrovert level of “done” and being “people-d out.” They then pulled me outside where I could be away from the loudness and simply enjoy the quiet with their beautiful self. Years ago, another introverted friend created the space on a summer day for my heart to break apart on the roof of a parking garage. I knew that my secrets and pain would lie safety with them.

We need our introverts. We extroverts in romantic relationships with introverts have the capacity to be the ultimate safe haven for our loves. Extroverts, I believe in your new endeavors and journey to love well. Introverts, thank you for your patience with us loud folk and thank you for being your beautiful unicorn level magical selves.