How To ‘Manage’ A Woman
By: Elle Beau
Tags: Society, Satire, Feminism, Equality, Essay

How To ‘Manage’ A Woman

When she has the audacity to challenge you

Image: Wikipedia

The most important thing to do when a woman has challenged or chided you in some way is to firmly remind her that you are the man. You are the reasonable and rational one, the one who truly understands the situation in a way that she doesn’t. In other words, you are the adult and she is the petulant child who is emotionally spouting off.

But because she’s such a petulant creature, mostly you can’t just come right out and say that directly. Instead, you have to handle her, and manage her, using both your innate superiority and all the gaslighting you can muster to help rein her back in. This isn’t always an easy task, so here are some tips about how to accomplish this more effectively:

The first thing to try is flaring your metaphorical neck frill to exert dominance — unless of course, you have a literal neck frill. Then use that. Flaring your neck frill lets her know that she has stepped over the line and that you are displeased by this. It gives her the opportunity to back down without a further fuss. Unfortunately, in this day and age, this heavy-handed form of dominance posturing rarely works on a woman who has done the laborious work of deprogramming and healing herself from a lifetime of exposure to this kind of domination. In most cases, you are going to have to use a lot more finesse.

The next step is to appeal to your connection. It’s well known that women are all about relationships, and you should take any opportunity to help her to understand that you are only seeking to correct her because you care. What kind of patriarch, er, I mean, friend would you be if you didn’t help her to better understand the error of her ways? Say things that sound supportive but that actually undermine her credibility at the same time, such as “I want you to keep sharing your ideas because that’s something that’s important to you.” Up the effectiveness of this by refusing to actually engage with her ideas in any substantive way.

Many women will respond appropriately to this kind of handling. They don’t actually want to have the relationship disrupted and will jump at the chance to smooth things over once you’ve made it clear that you are telling her to pipe down not because you don’t like her, but because you actually like her a lot and you are just looking out for her best interests.

Use phrases like, “I think we can both learn a lot from each other,” and she’ll be so disarmed by your caring that she’ll never bother to ask you what exactly you’ve learned from her. If that still isn’t enough, you’re going to have to bring out your best ‘splaining tools. Remind her that you not only know more about the world than she does but you actually know more about her than she does. That’s an important one. After all, she’s really just kind of a big kid thrashing around. You are the sensible one. When you tell her about what she really meant, what she believes, what her goals are, etc., you can gain the paternalistic upper hand by reminding her of that fact.

If she bristles at this, assure her that you are not condescending; you are simply trying to stand up for yourself and your beliefs. Isn’t that allowed? Are you expected to walk on eggshells around her? Most women have been deeply conditioned over a lifetime to prioritize the feelings of others, particularly the men in their sphere, so this actually has a good chance of shutting her down. She will start to feel guilty about standing firm in her own position if you make her believe that this is somehow being unfair to you. That’s how you win!

You can expand on this by telling her things like, “Trying to start a culture war isn’t going to get you anywhere,” even though she is merely advocating for basic human rights. Remind her that her advocacy for herself and others is really cute, but also kind of meaningless. She doesn’t have the insight, the intelligence, or most importantly, the power, to make any real difference in the world, so she should just stop attempting it — unless it’s undertaken in a way that you approve of and support.

Remind her to watch her tone and her rhetoric because if you find it uncomfortable and disconcerting, she really needs to be brought down a peg or two. Remind her who the parent is and who is the child. You can usually rely on her inclinations to prioritize your comfort over hers for this, as well as the cultural notion that angry girls are unattractive. Being angry about something, particularly as relates to herself, is a breach of the social contract wherein women nurture and care for those around them, lovingly putting their own needs last in the equation. If you can find a way to remind her of this without saying it outright, you can usually get her back in line and thoroughly managed without her even realizing quite what happened.

Remember that even women who seem confident and strong in their beliefs can be reined back into their correct societal place if you know how to manage them properly using a combination of bullying, charm, and misdirection. Girls, even before they reach puberty, know that they should not challenge boys, and should not exhibit anger towards them — not if they want to be well-liked and considered “cool.” Many women are still run by this same narrative and can be coerced and cajoled into behaving appropriately if you know what to do — and now you do — whether you actually have a working neck frill or not.

This story was not inspired by either James or Nat. They are both wise enough and self-confident enough to treat the women in their lives as partners and equals.

© Copyright Elle Beau 2020

Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story is appearing anywhere other than Medium.com, it appears without my consent and has been stolen.