Summer Solstice
By: Daberechi Ukoha-Kalu
Tags: Summer, Summer Solstice, Solstice

This is a stream of consciousness I journaled yesterday, take me as I am. I finished writing it and half way through the day learned it was the solstice and then i was like ohhh.

Poster credit: me! i really enjoyed making this!

London, at the moment, is unnerving.

The sun should be shining, glistening even but the clouds have not permitted it to be so. It almost seems unnatural, but nature has a lot to do with it. The silence now is the natural silence that comes with Sunday, but paired with the sky, it feels different, unnatural.

What is happening?

Only the birds are alive, the ravens and the crows. I haven’t yet seen the pigeons, maybe they are not yet awake, but it is 9:49 and it is very unlikely so.

What is happening?

The world has changed, I saw it change and restructure itself, at a time different from this, it was in Lagos, or I was, and the clouds were split into two, and the birds flew from one space to the other carrying new information in their beaks and telling it to those who would listen. I couldn’t look at the clouds for too long, because my mind would break, because the change was so blatant and I couldn’t understand why I could see it, and I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t understand it. My mind would break, and it was only just recovering. And at this moment I am realising, once again, what a fragile thing the mind is, like a fish, it needs to be in the world where it is to exist, for it to be useful. Like a fish out of water, your mind, my mind would not survive when you take it out of the confines that it is used to.

Break.

Unless you teach it not to.

Evolve

And it is such a shame that sometimes you might have to break to evolve, of which that evolution requires you to break even further.

You will need courage.

It is so silent, like there is no one here, but there are ones, only very immaculately subdued by the change, unaware that is happening. London as one entity, is one entity, as is the world. The separateness only imagined. The world is changing and it is so blatant, only I am here in London so i can see the way this particular environment is changing, but in truth, I can feel the way all of our consciousness is moving, not entirely by our will, but by necessity. Because to keep a thing alive it must change and only destruction is sure to happen with stagnancy, and so, the world must move.

There is one human consciousness, a thing that I feel pulsating and vibrating everyday, it is through this i make my decisions, some good, some bad, some I leave to the world, like yesterday night when I surrendered to be taken by sleep because I did not have the will to say no and remain where I needed to be. I’m sure you can sense it too, it is this swirling and moving cloud of energy, sometimes swaying this way and choosing the colour red together, collectively or moving the other way and choosing the other thing, starsss ilovedany.

I am in love with the world and I wonder if this will be my undoing. If this is the one thing that will gurantee my ticket to hell.

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

Even though God loves the world, even though hell is a construct.

I am in love with the world because I cannot understand it, and I think that is in human nature, or my nature. It is in our nature first to destroy that which eludes us, to hate it and then through learning, love it. This has been my journey. The duality of things here is almost overwhelming, and the non duality that occurs is ever more so. You have to pass through one thing to get the other, one state then another then the next. And yet yesterday, in my half sleep, I heard my pen fall on the ground and roll. I woke up to see it still beside me, I went to the bathroom and returned to sleep. In a few moments, probably hours, I woke up and registered that the action had finally happened as I heard my book drop and my pen roll to the ground.

I don’t know what is happening

Sometimes I find myself saying I don’t know as a customary prerequisite to humility, for my own self and my own ego. What if you are wrong? Best not to know even if you kinda do.

I know what is happening

It’s easier to be, for me to accept to be bound, than boundless. I have been taught, the people before me too have learned that to be bound is humility and to be boundless is pride. Of course you learn that nothing really exists on that sort of binary plane and if it does, it lacks intelligence, and I can only hope to be held up by the order of chaos or the chaos of order in order to fully be me.

Creating game

I am working in collaboration with people who don’t know that they are working with me, and the feeling of that is hard to put into words. If i ever do meet them, how do i explain that my energy met you before my physicality ever did. It’s that thing that happens when you be without time, and come back to time and bide it.

Waiting game

In the world as much as it is chaos, thrives in order and it will not allow anything to be before its time. These things will unfold.

The essence of nature lies in neutrality

Not that it is in neutral of its power, it just holds it in neutrality, so that it can be. It is not thinking because it does not need to think, it acts when it needs to, nudged by something other than thought, of which at the moment I am not sure how to name.

In my dreams I find myself, more often than not, talking to people other people can’t see. Telling them they are there and passing messages from one side to the other.

What is happening?