Recognizing Self-Bullying. Are you or someone you know a…
By: June Westerfield
Tags: Self Care, Self Love, Self Improvement, Self-awareness, Bullying

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Are you or someone you know a self-bully?

Your first reaction might be that “self-bully” is a term I must made up. Okay, so it is. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t real. I use it to define the habitual negative self-talk many of us engage in on a daily basis.

According to the National Centre Against Bullying, “Bullying is an ongoing and deliberate misuse of power in relationships through repeated verbal, physical and/or social behavior that intends to cause physical, social and/or psychological harm. It can involve an individual or a group misusing their power, or perceived power, over one or more persons who feel unable to stop it from happening.”

The emphasis of “misuse of power” would seem to negate my assertion that one can be a self-bully. But does it? I don’t think so. Who has more power over ourselves than we do? It could be argued that negative self-talk is used to keep ourselves from stepping out of the role we believe is ours. That “less-than” others role is often a result of societal norms and outside pressures, but it’s still a role that we enforce on ourselves. Whether it’s said out loud where others can hear us or said silently in our own heads, repetitive negative self-talk is just as harmful, maybe more so, as being bullied by someone else.

Photo by Eugenia Maximova on Unsplash

If you’ve never done it, you have friends who do it on a regular basis. I’m not talking about the occasional moments when you are having a bad day and feel like all your clothes make you frumpy, or when you made a mistake and you briefly wonder how you can be so stupid. Even occasionally, those thoughts are bad, but it’s really a problem when it’s not once in a while. I’m talking about the daily occurrence of self-loathing and hateful things we think about ourselves. The consistently hateful self-talk that runs through our minds and comes out of our mouths.

All too often we give ourselves permission to speak to and about ourselves in ways we would never ever speak about or to someone else. For example, I was recently chatting with a friend — who is gorgeous, both inside and out, and I won’t name because I’d never want to embarrass her — about taking photos. She said she hated having photos taken of herself, and I said — all too truthfully — that I really love it. I’m a total diva. Give me good hair & makeup and decent clothes and put me in front of a camera and I go nutso (as long as I don’t show my hideous teeth). Seriously, I want my husband to learn photography so he can take pictures of me. Case in point:

My friend’s response to my admission of Diva-dom was (and I’m paraphrasing to get the whole point in) “I’m all fat and stuff. But it’s different for you. You are so young and pretty.” HERE IS THE THING: I am only 4 years younger than her, AND I am A WHOLE PERSON fatter than her. It’s true. So… Why is it that we can so easily look at someone else and see the beauty they possess, both inside and out, but can’t see it within ourselves?

But it’s not all about looks, either. We can be so hateful to ourselves in ways that makes us feel completely useless and worthless. MY big problem with myself is my ability, or rather inability, to do everything and be everything for everyone. My hateful self-talk is usually that I don’t write fast enough, don’t keep my house clean enough, don’t make enough money, and in general don’t take as good of care of my family as I should. While, at the same time, my mother-in-law (whose house is always immaculate) is constantly telling me how proud she is of me and how well I take care of her son on such small means. It is very hard for me to look in the mirror and feel like I do enough, like I AM enough, yet I have no problem supporting my friends when they feel overwhelmed. I can easily point out their hard work, their unwavering efforts, and their value. Yet, I have a hard time seeing the same inside myself. And you know what? THAT IS NOT OKAY.

I would never talk about someone else the way I talk about myself sometimes. And I most certainly would not allow anyone else speak about another person (or themselves) the way I speak to myself. I would speak up. I would put a stop to it, immediately. So shouldn’t I do that for myself? Shouldn’t YOU do it for YOURSELF?

Image by John Hain from Pixabay

They say charity begins at home. Well, so does love and respect. And YOU are your home. Your body, your mind, your spirit… you only get one each of those in a lifetime, and they are all connected. People around you may change, but YOU will always have to live with your SELF. Shouldn’t you be friends? Next time you start to say (or think) something negative about yourself (whatever it might be)… STOP for a moment. Then imagine it was your best friend in this situation… what would you say to that person? What words of encouragement would you give them? Then say that TO YOURSELF. It’s not vain or narcissistic to see your own value and worth. It’s called love. If you can do it for others, you can do it for yourself.

Sources:

National Centre Against Bullying https://www.ncab.org.au/bullying-advice/bullying-for-parents/definition-of-bullying/