Down Home With The Proud Boys.
By: Robert Cormack
Tags: Hate, Politics, Satire, Proud Boys, Humor

“Anyone who belongs to a party stops thinking.” Ray Bradbury

I don’t have anything against the Proud Boys—or any brotherhood, for that matter. They’ve never attacked me on the street, or sent veiled threats. One of them commented on an article I wrote last month, saying I was “screwy.”

The Hell’s Angels said the same thing to Hunter S. Thompson. He was supposed to buy them a keg of beer when his book: Hell’s Angels: A Strange and Terrible Saga was published. He never did. He made so little off the residuals, he said he couldn’t afford it. So they broke his nose.

As Kurt Vonnegut said in his book Slaughterhouse Five, “So it goes.”

Here’s the thing about being called screwy. It isn’t so bad. For all I know, it’s a good thing. It lends itself to other screwier thoughts, which I’m capable of — just not in a brotherhood kind of way. They have their frame of reference, I have mine. Somehow we’re even.

From what I can gather, the Proud Boys aren’t so much a brotherhood as a monopoly. Lots of people — possibly all of us — believe this world would be a better place if it wasn’t so fucked up. There’s plenty that’s fucked up these days, including our present pandemic, the climate, immigration—socialism. Socialism threatens all our hard-earned freedoms—like wearing four guns into an Arby’s or a shotgun in the baby carriage.

Remember when your parents used to say, “You don’t have a monopoly on feelings, you know.”? We took that to mean we weren’t getting our way.

When you have this level of discontent, you see how a monopoly forms. Remember when your parents used to say, “You don’t have a monopoly on feelings, you know.”? We took that to mean we weren’t getting our way. Not unless we could get a bunch of screaming kids together, which wasn’t likely because we were too young to organize.

We were also too self-serving. You’d think that’s a kid thing, but the Proud Boys are showing us it’s very adult. Gather enough self-serving, screaming adults together, and it feels like a monopoly.

For a start, you have a centralized belief system. If it has a violent tonality, there’s nothing wrong with that — not if you feel justified. So the monopoly, in this case, is simply the justification of being justified.

Look through our history books and you’ll see what I mean. Take the Civil War, for instance. It was a monopoly of sorts. Actually, it was two monopolies, one side believing in slavery, the other believing you couldn’t own another human being. Each side was willing to fight for their beliefs. Then the two sides found themselves facing each other on a battlefield.

So it goes.

Here’s the crazy thing, though. Abraham Lincoln wasn’t a sworn abolitionist. He had the South wanting to sell its cotton on open international markets, leaving the mills in the North without raw product. Thousands of Northerners were on the brink of being out of work. Presidents can’t let that happen or they’re considered lousy presidents.

Next thing you know, 618,222 men were dead. This is still considered the greatest toll of any war in American history.

So Lincoln turned the abolition of slavery into a monopoly. Next thing you know, 618,222 men were dead, the greatest death toll from war in American history. The Spanish Flu in 1918 took more. We don’t blame that on a monopoly. We should since it was one of sorts.

Despite most people following protocol at the time, some intransigent groups thought their monopoly was better than any others. They opposed masks and quarantines. They, in turn, died.

Then the First World War ended. Everyone threw off their masks, had a big parade, and they died. Pandemics are crazy that way.

Which brings us to the present, since we have another pandemic with many monopolies of thought, including the Proud Boys. Like their ancestors, who would have given anything for an AK-47 instead of a single-round musket, the Proud Boys think most issues of consequence (their version of fucked up) can be solved with violence.

Their co-founder, Gavin McInnes, a self-confessed Islamophobe, claims Muslims “have a problem with inbreeding.”

Established in the midst of the the 2016 presidential election, these guys essentially have what they call an anti-white guilt, anti-political correctness agenda. They include antisemites, chauvinists, Islamophobes and a smattering (possibly a big smattering) of Southern racists.

Their co-founder, Gavin McInnes, a self-confessed Islamophobe, claims Muslims “have a problem with inbreeding.” They tend to marry their first cousins, and read the Koran, which he calls “the perfect recipe for mass murder.”

He’s a very black and white guy, which is why he’s probably a racist as well. Monopolists tend to be very one-sided in this respect.

He also thinks women are dumb. “No, I’m just kidding, ladies,” he once said on The Gavin McInnes Show. “But you do tend to not thrive in certain areas — like writing.” Awkward sentence, Gavin. Just saying.

The Proud Boys have always respected Gavin, and when enough brethren follow your thinking, you’ve got a monopoly. Add to that a president who tells the Proud Boys during an electoral debate, “Stand back and stand ready,” well, that’s the monopolist extraordinaire giving you the thumbs up. Let’s get in our trucks, boys, and support this guy.

If you share the same monopoly, rules only apply if you’re against other dumb monopolies of thought, which includes Muslims marrying their cousins.

Next thing you know, they’re out at mass rallies, threatening violence, telling people things like, “We’re not saying he [Trump] hasn’t lied — or hasn’t lost the election — but he deserves a second term, anyway.”

No kidding, folks, this was a quote from a rally in Charlottesville. If you share the same monopoly as Gavin, all this makes perfect sense—even hating Muslims because they marry their cousins.

I’ve never thought of marrying one of my cousins (they’re already married), but I guess I have a different respect for freedoms. I’m also not ready to punch someone in the face for violating what I believe.

I did feel a violent twitch the other day when someone stood too close to me at a check-out line. I kept thinking to myself, Can’t a guy buy vegetables without someone throwing their ‘rona my way?

I know many people feel the same, especially in Costco or Best Buy. But you can’t call that a monopoly— it’s just momentary shopper’s rage. Once we’re outside, we’re pacifists again. Unless we have to return something.

For the Proud Boys, that’s just too whimpy. Either you stand up and punch the person behind you, or you end up like Britain, filled with the most desultory assortment of foreigners (Muslims), who “rape children regularly” while whites get jailed for rude tweets.

“Being a man is awesome,” he explained. “So is being a woman. We should revere these creations, not revel in their bastardizations.”

Gavin McInnes is also down — and I mean down — on sex change. “Being a man is awesome,” he explained. “So is being a woman. We should revere these creations, not revel in their bastardizations.”

I’ve never thought of sex changes as bastardizations. Then again, I’ve never had one. Neither has Gavin. He just hates fake dicks.

In any event, the Proud Boys have insinuated themselves into what could be called the Modern American Gothic. The original painting, done back in 1930 by Grand Wood, depicted dustbowl farmers. The model used for the husband in the picture, by the way, was actually a dentist.

One day, though, someone might paint a new American Gothic, this time with Gavin McInnes, replacing the husband’s pitchfork with an AK-47 and handing the wife a .45 automatic. This follows his fundamental belief that we need to be militant and take back our towns and cities — preferably before Trump leaves office. After that, hatred may not have the same lustre. We’ll return to a level of reason and, possibly, kindness.

Then go stomp those “screwy” Democrats before they turn this country into “rag head city.”

That’s just plain whimpy for the Proud Boys. Better to get like-minded nihilists together, especially the 70 million still supporting the Orange Man, and go stomp those “screwy” Democrats before they turn America into “rag head city.”

I’m not a Democrat, but I am screwy. I’m also pretty sure Muslims don’t marry their first cousins. That should get the Proud Boys’ dander up—McInnes’s, especially. I expect some awkward sentences in response.

So it goes.

Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist, and former advertising copywriter. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.