The Day After My First Pill
Tags: Alcoholism

I woke up feeling fine today. A little tired, but not hungover.

Usually after going to a birthday party, I’d be out of commission for the entire next day.

These days, I get grueling hangovers that just keep getting worse and worse with every passing year. Vomiting bile, unable to eat, crippling headaches, the works.

My drinking is better and worse than it used to be, worse than a year ago, where I had some accountability in the form of living with my ex during quarantine, better than 5 years ago when I was generally miserable and spent every afternoon in the pub.

Back in those days my therapist told me about the Sinclair Method of alcohol management. He said it was really promising and could help me a lot, but I wasn’t in a place to actually do the thing. I didn’t want to be sober, being drunk was the only thing that kept me going.

The Sinclair Method comes from a study in the early 00s that showed that the use of Naltrexone, an opiate blocker used post-withdrawal for heroin addicts, could also help alcoholics.

The theory is that you take a pill an hour before you drink, every time you drink. The opiate blocker means that you don’t get the buzz, and the buzz is what makes you need the next drink, so over time you naturally decrease your consumption. Over time, the part of your brain that is wired to associate alcohol with pleasure is re-trained, addiction broken.

Yesterday I took 25mg of Naltrexone an hour before having a can of IPA. I got to my friend’s party at 5pm to watch the finale of RuPaul’s Drag Race before everyone else arrived, so we were on the pre-game.

I never felt the buzz from the first beer, but curious, I had a second one.

A few hours later, party in full swing, I enjoyed a margarita, and then a caipirinha. At 10pm someone handed me a moderate pour of Prosecco, and then at 11pm one of my friends, a fellow wine professional, wanted me to try a beautiful Chenin that she brought back from the Loire.

All told, I was at the party for 7 hours, and I had 6 drinks. I didn’t ever feel buzzed or drunk, just tired. I drank a lot of water, and I ate a lot.

I didn’t sleep well, but then again I never do, and this morning I feel fine, just tired.

This feels truly radical.

Abstinence has never been my goal. I’m a professional wine expert and I love my job. I love wine because it’s nerdy and delicious. The idea of having to give up my career that I’ve worked and studied so hard for feels like such a stupid way of giving in to something that it turns out doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

I never liked AA. I had a friend who went and it always felt very predatory, creepy, and clearly not based in science or medicine. If alcoholism is a disease, then why is the only widely accepted cure not anything in the realm of science? Why is rock bottom a desirable place to reach? Why can’t moderation be possible?

That never sat right for me, and so even though I went to a couple meetings I was not interested in going all in.

Instead, I changed my life. I moved to a different country, I got happier in many ways. I was still struggling, so I did ayahuasca (a story for another day), then I was a lot better.

The pandemic made it harder again, and then I remembered Naltrexone.

It took weeks to find a doctor who would give it to me, but yesterday I met with a psychiatrist who listened to me, was curious, and wrote me the script.

Yesterday I filled it, and yesterday I took that pill and it fucking worked.

I feel so relieved. I know this is going to make an enormous difference in my life and allow me to keep my career.