What I Have Is Enough One Week Out
By: Pete D. Camarillo
Tags: Ambition, Writing, Brotherhood, Family, Fatherhood

Every time I start to feel like myself, something pulls me back to uncertainty. Part of feeling like nothing is every enough is a symptom of where I come from. I’m always trying to figure out problems. If I just had this one more thing everything might be better. Yet, when I get it it’s time to move up the ladder of toxic ambition.

If I just had a desk maybe I would concentrate better.

If I had an exercise bike I would be in better shape.

If I ate better maybe I’d have some more energy to run.

If I woke up earlier maybe I could get more writing in. A new laptop might help too.

There is some solid logic here. These things would make reaching my goals easier but do I really need them?

I remember doing little shoulder exercise burn outs with seven pound weights. I didn’t care if I needed more weight it was enough.

I used to pump out stories on a fucking ipad before they made the keyboards and pencils all cool. Some great work came from my oversized phone aka the iPad mini.

In High School, we used to run right after lunch. We’d workout on full stomachs. My diet and sleep habits were always shakey.

Remember when I had a tiny ass room that barely fit my queen bed and a entertainment stand? Who needs a desk. I always found ways to work on a couch or kitchen table.

When you enter my home, the first thing you see is our dining set. My dining room table is a light solid wood with lots of details. It’s a pretty nice heirloom my Dad inherited from a woman he went to church with.

For the past five years the table’s been buried behind mechanic tools in the garage.

Now that the table is free, I remember how nice it is. I remember the times it filled in as a beer pong table at the ten room satelite frat house. The center leaf was MIA lost at some ex’s house. A smudge of green paint scars the top from painting sorority paddles.

I remember how it was the center piece of two college homes that had very little furniture. I think about the times sitting at that table knocking out a story my last year or two in college.

Like me, this table has been through a lot. Just a few weeks ago it was the platform for our very first Thanksgiving. We both changed and grew up but did we. It’s still a table and I’m still me. I look and feel different but my essence is the same.

We spend so much time seeking change. Whether you embrace it or fight it, we never really change. Just our shape and circumstances like this table.

My latest chapter has me feeling sorry for myself. I keep waiting for that one thing that might help me feel better or get over the hump. It’s never been so much of an issue since this is what drive me. However, this became an issue when I saw myself projecting it on the kids.

Well if they just had a gym membership maybe they would exercise.

Well if I get them this maybe they will do better on their homework.

Well if we did this maybe their attitude would be better.

Fuck the cliche’s the one thing missing is me. It always has been.

Everything I need is inside of me. Everything they need they have. We just have to recognize it.

Stop seeking change whether it is new change or reverting back to what you were. Time moves forward and we are equipped with exactly the experience we need to get where we need to go. Our lives are already hard enough without false pressure to be something more than what we already are.

Am I where I want to be? Of course not. But 11 weeks into the leave I’m exactly where I need to be. I got these kids settled. I am starting believe in myself again.

Last week one of my best friends had a real drunk conversation with me. I was sober but I was flattering someone I used to have these convos with all the time. It had been a while since I seen him and even longer since we chopped it up like that.

Between ranting about the money he was making due to his new mindset birthed through quarantine, he told me he looked up to me. He said my hustle for my dreams inspired him. He saw me working for years in college. He knows I wasn’t given anything.

This helped me remember why I work so damn hard. The truth is, it’s been hard for me to write. I am always in that mindset well if I do this I might be able to write more.

Part of the struggle is obviously raising three kids. Some days I have no energy. I think the reason is I always felt like I worked so hard to show them you could come from nothing. I worked so hard so I’d be ready in case they ever needed me.

Now that they needed me, I didn’t know where to draw motivation from. This friend reminded me my whole why hasn’t just been them. The reason I work so damn hard is to inspire my entire friends and family to chase their dreams and make shit happen.

Last night I turned that voice down. I just started writing eventhough I didn’t know where to start. I felt overwhelmed and all over the place but my writing didn’t. I needed to trust myself. It’s in there I just can’t let the feeling of wanting more censor it.

Even know as I write these medium posts, I don’t need to get caught up in claps, views or whatever other metric medium fancies. Like they say, sometimes published is perfect.

My concentration shifted back to the relief and energy I get from dumping my thoughts and anecdotes into one spot. It’s something I’ve been doing since myspace bulletins and tumblr’s height. Expressing myself is why I write and inspiring people is why I work so hard.

Another friend texted me randomly saying you owe me 10 newsletters. He remembered it’s been about 10 weeks since I published my newsletter. During that time, several sports media newsletters found success and the entire newsletter industry is becoming a thing. I’m on the sidelines even though I predicted this all.

Again my friend reminded me of my why. I never authored the newsletter because I thought it was a one of a kind idea. I never thought it would be easy or happen over night. So what secret success tip was I seeking to make it happen?

It doesn’t matter. I started the newsletter to amplify my voice and the sports I follow. I built it as a medium to write to my friends about the most important sports stories from our time zone.

I don’t know if that will be enough to make the newsletter sustainable. Yet, I do know that it is enough for me to keep going. My friend who reads and comments on all my shit, my grandma who used to ask me where she could find my writing and all my Dad’s friends who say they read my writing. That’s who the newsletter. Who said that needs to scale if adding value to their lives through sports is enough for me.

The point is, my life changed and my free time is even less free. That doesn’t mean I have to lose site of my goals or my motivations. They are still there they just might be in a different setting.

You’ll never find what you need if you keep cluttering yourself with uncertainty, doubt or toxic ambition.

Your friends are enough.

Your Family is enough.

Your work day is enough.

Your workout is enough.

Your furniture is enough.

Your parenting is enough.

Your Writing is enough.

Your financials are enough.

What you finish on your to-do list is enough.

Don’t quit searching for what you need just look within instead of out. Change itself isn’t bad. Yet, change for the sake of change only leads to wanting more change and that is toxic.

Something might help you but you don’t need anymore than what you got. What you have got you to where you are for a reason. Don’t lose it. Don’t bury it. Don’t forget it. Don’t quit on it. That’s the lesson that sticks to me with my return to work only a week out.

So I guess this instant Dad of Three isn’t quite done with his struggling writing or doing sports for pennies. Sure, it’s gonna be a lot harder and take a lot longer but when has that ever stopped me?

Even if my life has changed, I haven’t. I need those things to be myself. There’s nothing I can acquire that can fill that void or silence that self doubt other than myself.