How to Finally Cut Your Attachment to Someone
By: Jason Henry
Tags: Self Improvement, Love, Relationships, Self, Psychology

Niccolo Machiavelli once wrote, “Of mankind we may say in general they are fickle, hypocritical and greedy of gain.”

The great philosopher is right to an extent but we also see instances where mankind is gregarious, altruistic and sacrificing.

When we fall in love, we hope to see the virtues I just listed but instead, we often experience and are guilty of the vices Machiavelli recorded centuries ago.

One reason we act like terrible people when in love is because we “like them too much.” In other words, there’s an unhealthy attachment to the other person.

This is why if our partners threaten to leave, we cleave to them. If people try to move in on our beloved, we get jealous and possessive.

So how do we stop liking people too much? How do we stop the unhealthy attachment?

In The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle wrote, “Attachment to things drops away by itself when you no longer seek to find yourself in them.”

The question now is why would you ever try to find yourself in someone (or something)?

Ultimately, it is due to fear. Attachment is rooted in fear.

Do you know why you aren’t obsessing over a crush you had in high school? It’s because you aren’t using that person to escape some form of suffering.

But if you are obsessing over a crush you had in high school, it’s because you’re still trying to use the person to escape suffering. There’s something you’re afraid of, and this person can be a means to avoid your fear.

Unfortunately, what tends to happen is that what you are trying to avoid is exactly what you find. You felt fear within and life merely mirrored it back to you.

There are two layers to this fear. The more immediate layer is not being loved by the person you love. Whether in unrequited love, an abusive relationship or just not being on the same wavelength, you aren’t being loved enough. But this is only the surface.

What is deeper is the fear of not being loved at all.

You see your peers pairing up and you start to feel as though you should be in a relationship too. You weren’t loved enough growing up and so you try to find someone who can make up for what you didn’t get as a child. You were in a good relationship but it ended on a bitter note, and now you try to find someone to replace your ex while still pining for them.

Whatever the situation, the fundamental reason you attach to someone is due to the fear of not being loved at all, or not being loved ever again.

How to Cut the Cord of Attachment

In addition to fickle, hypocritical and greedy of gain, Machiavelli could’ve added selectively-blind to his list of problematic human traits.

Sometimes we aren’t aware that we are afraid of not having love in our lives, despite our mad attempts to get it.

Sometimes we’ll flat out deny it and give examples as to why we aren’t afraid of not being loved while everyone else looks on, shaking their head. Sure, there are examples of you not being afraid of not having love, but there are examples of you doing the most for love and affection too.

We have to come clean. Here’s how you do it.

Just for a moment, assume that it is true. You can say, “I’m the me who is afraid of not having love.” Let that state of being take over just for a moment and pay close attention to yourself.

Ask yourself, “Am I really afraid of not having love?” The new state of being will answer, and then you can drop that state of being.

If it’s no, then you’re in the clear. Hopefully your fear didn’t try to hijack this process. But if it did, that’s a pretty good indicator that you really are afraid.

If it’s yes, that’s okay. It just means that there’s more to do.

The next step is about going into the fear.

After you’ve made yourself comfortable, ask yourself, “How do I feel about the thought that I will never have love or be loved?” Some sensations may arise. Let them be there and just allow yourself to feel whatever comes up.

After the feelings subside, ask the same question again. Let yourself feel whatever comes up once more.

Do not focus on the thoughts that come up. Doing so would be counterproductive, especially since the thought that “I will never have love or be loved” is also just a thought. It isn’t real or necessarily true, unless you believe it.

This process helps to remove the emotions that keep this belief rooted within you. Continue to do this process until you feel nothing anymore.