It’s Not Who You Know, but Who You Are to Others
By: Tom Froese
Tags: Networking, Illustration, Success, Opportunity, Career

It’s Not Who You Know, but Who You Are to Others

Why You Need to be the Person Others Need to Know First Tom Froese Sep 7·9 min read

I recently published a video on my YouTube channel in response to a question from a fellow illustrator. It was a fairly long question, but the gist of it was that this person was wondering why, after reaching out to some 120 art directors, she was not getting any call-backs.

To me, the answer was in the question, but you can watch the video for my full response on that. However, in my response I acknowledged that, of course, it would be completely discouraging to go through this experience. Out of that many attempts, if nobody responded to me, I would probably give up, I remarked.

In response to this sentiment, one of my viewers reached out in the comments. “I’ve already given up,” he said. “Even though I spent two degrees in illustration and animation. It’s all who you know… demoralising. Covid, PTSD and mental health doesn’t help … and I generally find that people aren’t sympathetic to circumstance or willing to pay you what your work is due.”

This got my brain firing in so many different directions. In one way, I felt deeply sorry for this person. I hate reading stories about people who start out so passionately and pour themselves into the hope of a creative career—but in the end they called it quits because they couldn’t make it work. It’s heartbreaking. It’s also more common than not. Every now and then I check to see if people I went to art school with are still at it; many have fallen off the radar. Most have moved onto different degrees and careers. Even fellow illustrators whom I used to admire and whose work and careers were models for mine today — even such accomplished artists as these have burned out and faded away.

“I’ve already given up, even though I spent two degrees in illustration and animation. It’s all who you know…”

There’s no way around the fact that creative careers are hard. Making art for a living is no guarantee for a comfortable life. But I’m not here to tell you how I’ve worked around this difficulty. That is for another post. Today, I am thinking more about the troubles of my commenter on my YouTube post (let’s call him Danny).

Danny seems to have started on the right foot. He knew what he wanted and pursued it. Both an illustration degree and an animation degree. He must clearly have skills. What is it about his story, however, that stopped his career in its tracks? He describes some personal difficulties, many outside his control: Covid, PTSD, and other mental health issues. There is no denying these can be immensely difficult to overcome, even as separate issues. But right there in the middle of his comment is what might be the real problem: he believes he is the victim of an injustice. “It’s all you who you know”, he writes. Those around him, who have succeeded, probably only did so because they knew the right people. And at the end of his comment reinforces my intution of what his problem is: he believes people owe him special treatment because he has had difficult circumstances. “people aren’t sympathetic to circumstance”, he says. While I agree that as humans we are all due respect and concern for our wellbeing, I would ask, what does this have to do with getting paid for making art?

Without meaning to downplay the seriousness of Danny’s troubles, nor to deny that these are very real and very difficult challenges, I simply have to step outside of the emotional aspect and look at things more objectively. From another’s point of view, why would they hire you or buy your art? Hopefully it’s because you provide a service of value, and because your art is good (and they like it/have a need for it). And for the sake of your own pride, why would you want others to pay you for your work? Would you want to be paid out of pity, or because you have somehow improved their life or made them happy with your work?

As for the popular idea that “it’s not what you know, but who you know”, I think we can all agree there is truth to it. But complaining about it as a reason for not succeeding is not going to help. If you’re just venting, I get it. But if you’re trying to forge a career as a commercial artist, you need to identify the problem and then proceed to solve it as best you can. If it’s all who you know, I would ask, what are you doing about this, specifically? Are you seeking out the kind of people you think you need to know? Are you going to conferences (whether in person or remotely via video)? Are you joining communities of practice within your area of interest or discipline? Are you engaged in a community of likeminded people who can grow along with you? More importantly, are you contributing anything in any of these situations?

The tone of the complaint, if you’ll forgive me, Danny, suggests you either haven’t properly pursued these kinds of connections, or, you have but without success. Maybe you are too shy. Maybe you are anxious in social situations. Maybe there is something about you that is unattractive to the people you want to meet. OR — maybe you believe these things about yourself, while they are actually not as true as you fear. Shyness is real. Social anxiety is real, and feeling unattractive to others (not feeling like we have something worthwhile to bring to new social situations) is completely debilitating.

But I have a secret weapon…I choose to believe that, in spite of my harshest self-doubts, I am a welcome addition in new social situations. My reaching out is not only permitted, it is desired.

I have struggled with these things all my life. I get it. As an introvert, I find social situations, especially ones involving networking and meeting new people, exhausting. I often leave feeling drained and worried that I somehow made others feel uncomfortable, or that I was just some weirdo that people wished would go away. I deal with these feelings all the time, even amongst people I see weekly. But I have a secret weapon that I’d like to share with you: I choose to believe, beyond my doubts, that most of these negative things are simply my own, narcissistic, inner critic. It projects onto others the negative things I believe about myself. I choose to believe that, in spite of my harshest self-doubts, I am a welcome addition in new social situations. My reaching out is not only permitted, it is desired. For instance, at a conference where I don’t know anybody, if I sit beside a stranger, I will tell myself that person does not want me to talk to them. They want to be left alone. Most harmfully, I believe they would rather talk to the person sitting on the other side of them than me, that I am less worthy in their mind than the other. Chances are, however, that that person barely has any opinion of me at all. Chances are they are too preoccupied worrying about themselves to have any judgment about me in the moment. Chances are that if I said hi and struck up a friendly conversation, they would welcome it. They would be relieved. It might even make them happier.

My point is that we are all looking for connection, and we are happy to receive it when it is offered by others. When people are able to forge their careers through connections, sometimes those connections are unearned and by default, such as when friends or family give you first dibs on an entry level position at their company. But other times, and perhaps most times, it is the people who are able to make the connections happen themselves that get the furthest. These people aren’t waiting for the validation of others to start the conversation. They get in there and start talking first. And those around them are attracted to them because they feel comfortable around them. They feel valued. Appreciated. Worthy, even. And all of this means that if “it’s all who you know”, then I would say it’s very important to become the kind of person people want to know. It’s not just who you know, but who you are to others.

[Successful] people aren’t waiting for the validation of others to start the conversation. They get in there and start talking first.

We can’t control all the conditions in which we find ourselves. Whether it’s a pandemic, being born into a certain socioeconomic class, or facing mental health challenges, we all have some friction to work against. I’m unable to tell you whether your particular circumstances are insurmountable. Maybe they are. Positive thinking will only get you so far. However, success belongs to those who are able to push through in spite of their challenges, not by having them removed. I believe it was either Robert Frost or the athletic brand Under Armour who once said “The only way out is through”. Almost all motivational speaking is premised on the speaker’s experience of having overcome a serious struggle. The hero’s journey is always about the hero facing the hardest challenge of their life, but overcoming because they were willing to put up a fight and work with others along the way.

There are so many adages that speak to this: When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Be the change that you wish to see in the world. Love your neighbour as yourself. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

These kinds of sayings, though somewhat different in context and nature, point to one thing: you. They place the responsibility for your story squarely on your shoulders, not on the others. It’s not “lucky are those who have others treat them fairly, for they shall have the easiest life”, but something more like, “be the first person to show kindness”.

I am predisposed to negative thinking and skepticism. I prefer to keep to myself. I am a natural misanthrope. It doesn’t take much to irritate me. But I have to remind myself that I didn’t get to where I am by letting these natural inclinations lead me through life. I have had to constantly step outside of my negative thinking and even my comfort zone to make the kinds of connections I’ve craved. Even though I want to hide from people much of the time, I also know I need connection. Somehow I have learned that if I want connection, it’s on me to make it happen. I can’t expect to be connected to if I don’t make myself available. Moreover, I will probably have to initiate most of the connections I really want to make.

Somehow this post has become more about self-helpy than I intended. But it’s all on-point if we are talking about forging those much needed connections with others to find success in our careers. Yes, getting educated, even to the point of being double-degreed, is a very helpful thing if you want to make art for a living. And yes, we need others to give us opportunities even when we’re not the most promising prospects. At first, somebody’s going to have to take a risky bet on us. In that case, we need to know some people with the power to do that. But along the way, while we can’t change our every circumstance, we can change our outlook and approach. We can stop blaming others for our misfortunes, and we can start seeing challenges with a problem solving mindset. Most importantly, we can start putting ourselves in the driver’s seat in our own journeys. Don’t wait for someone to come around and pick you up and take you where they’re going. Start walking toward where you want to be. Maybe you’ll catch a ride part way there. Maybe you’ll find a bike, or even work your way up to your own car. Maybe you can even share a ride with someone else.

If it’s not what you know but who, then we need to start knowing people. But I’m also proposing that we flip this script, from getting to know the right people, and aiming just to be the “right person” that others need to know.