A Son’s A Son…
By: First Time Mama
Tags: Mothers, Baby, Motherhood, Relationships, Family

…until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for life. That’s how the old saying goes, but not all old sayings mean anything anymore.

The sentiment of a stitch in time save nine may still ring true, but we’re more likely to bin something than mend it these days.

What’s that got to do with sons? Well, this post goes out to all the First Time Mamas who have a son — and a mother in law. If you have an amazing, couldn’t-live-without-her, mother in law who has got your back, then skip to the next post. This one ain’t for you.

If you’ve been gifted with a mother in law that is not on your wavelength, however, keep reading…

The relationship between a mother in law and a daughter in law (whether married or not) can often be strained. As first glance, it’s easy to dismiss the mother in law’s feelings with a brush of the hand but have a closer look. Does this woman just want the best for her son? Does she know the father of your child inside out- can she tell when he’s hungry, tired, worried, stressed or in need of a cuddle? Absolutely.

This is going to sting but she is you, just fast-forwarded 20 or 30 years. Your baby boy is placed into your arms and you are told by everyone around you that you are responsible for taking care of their every waking need and that it is down to you to produce a boy that’s ready to be a man over the next 17 years. Your mother in law has already gone through every emotion and experience that you are going through,and will face in the future, with your son. She knows what pushes his buttons, she knows what scares him the most. It will have been her that hushes him to sleep after a bad dream and who helped him sort out his playground battles and friendship upsets. You might have inherited a husband or partner who loves the comfort of mashed potatoes when he’s had a bad day. The habit will have formed at your mother in law’s kitchen table. Tomato soup with buttered toast, spicy chicken and rice and peas…. These go-to fail safes will have started with her trying to make her boy’s life special. Just as you will with your son.

Mother in laws can be interfering, brutal, misguided and surplus to requirement, but put yourself in her shoes. That’s exactly what she is — surplus to requirement, no longer needed and sometimes to be avoided at all costs. Where once she was integral to her son’s wellbeing, she finds a usurper in her place — you. It is so easy to hustle her along, to kick her to the kerb and to shoulder her out of the way but that’s playing the short game — and you are so much wiser than that.

HERE’S 5 UNDENIABLE REASONS TO KEEP YOUR MOTHER IN LAW ON SIDE…

One day, it will be you. You’ve promised yourself that you’ll be different haven’t you. That you’ll be more understanding and less interfering. So, in the years to come, you will quietly stand by and watch your son’s partner step in and take your place?Didn’t think so. You might be glad that there’s someone to take on his washing and ironing, but it will be his partner that he looks to for comfort and solace, while you get the odd hug. That’s got to hurt a little bit, right? They know your partner inside and out. It’s great when things are going to plan but what happens if your partner starts to display a few signs that all is not well. If it is your first experience of a mental health issue with them or if they begin to act in a way that unsettles you — drinking, gambling, drugs- your mother in law could be your strongest ally. After all, you both want the best for your partner. She’s been a mother longer than you have and she knows your partner’s history better than you do. Babies can be unwell but it’s when they become toddlers and young children that hereditary issues can raise their head. If you hold the key to understanding your own family history, then your mother in law holds the key to understanding your partner’s. You will be asked if there is a history of conditions, such as metal illness, heart disease and stroke, during the course of medical appointments with your child. Your partner may not be there with you and — if he was — he may have no idea about the state of his wider family’s health. You mother in law will be a wealth of knowledge, from the ‘madness’ of auntie Edna to the weak hearts on your partner’s father’s side. When you go to the optician, you will be asked if there is a history of glaucoma in the family. You may not need to know this until your baby is four, but it is worth a chat to find out what’s what beforehand. It might be a good way of building bridges and helping her to feel more useful. History repeating… There’s your partners wider family history, but there’s also your partner’s history. We do protect and shield our children’s ‘issues’ from the rest of the family. Who wants to share the fact that your amazing child has anger issues, or is starting puberty at the age of 8? It may not be Sunday lunch chatter, but it might be worth running a couple of things by your mother in law. The chances are she’s dealt with it already and it’s something that is present in their father. She’s your child’s granny. It is so tempting to be everything that your child needs but think about the influences that mattered in your own life. Your own parents were not everything to you. You’ll have had a grandparent, an uncle, aunt, cousin, that will have made a positive impact in your life, so bear that in mind when it comes to the relationship between your baby and their grandmother.

So back to the thought that a son leaves you when he marries or finds a partner. It is old-fashioned and archaic. The idea that we have to give our child away because they fall in love doesn’t have to be the case, but you will have to get your head around the idea that they will have a change of focus going forward. While we’ve moved on from ‘going down t’mine’, it is possible to stay close to your son throughout his whole life. If the thought of taking a big step back to make room for the special one in your son’s life hurts now — and he’s still in nappies — it will be just as sore in the future. While he may find someone ‘just like you’ to spend the rest of his life with, chances are she’ll be quite different. Then, you’ll be in the same shoes that your mother in law is right now. You might need to breathe deeply to get through it, but you can and you will. Reach out to her and bring her on side. It may pay dividends in the future and karma can be a beautiful thing.

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