The Deepest place
By: Dimitri Sinclair
Tags: Trauma, Therapy, Psychedelics, Love Yourself, Health

The Deepest place

An essay about the healing powers and potential of psychedelic substances

Imagine having unfettered access to all parts of yourself with no boundaries or restrictions — all of the light, all of the dark, and everything in-between, straight through to your innermost being. After life served up some interesting cards to me this past year I needed a massive reset and found it. It wasn’t a trip to Bali or the Alps, it was a journey within. In the next few pages I will set the stage and bring you along for what is considered a “Hero’s Journey” in the psychedelic community. But first, before we go into details about this voyage, it’s important to consider a few facts about the mind, consciousness, and more importantly, our subconscious.

Our subconscious mind is the powerhouse of our psyches. In fact, 95% of our mind is subconscious. Only the remaining 5% accounts for our waking state. We function mostly in that waking 5% but are always being affected and influenced by the sub terrain 95%. Everything you have experienced gets stored down there, in the 95%. We can pull away from it, but we mostly operate analytically. One thing that keeps us in the 5% is that small voice in our head that qualifies and judges to keep us safe, otherwise known as the ego. You may have heard of it, and, take it from me, that entity is fairly tough to quiet.

Again I ask, could you imagine diving into these raw places of your being? Would it be exciting, terrifying, beautiful, or all of the above? Would you be willing to take that journey and see what lies within and beyond your default frame of consciousness? If so, it is not for the faint of heart and requires not just courage, but something almost even more difficult — complete surrender. No plane tickets are necessary for this trip, only the willingness to go as far and as deep as possible. Is the price of admission worth the squeeze? It all depends on what you want to bring back. But how does one venture into this internal buried frontier? A calculated dose of curated psychedelics is the ticket, and from personal experience, it was worth every bit of the squeeze.

Everyone has read a story, seen some footage, heard about or perhaps even dipped a toe in the taboo world of psychedelics. The term itself was coined back in the 1950’s to suggest the ability of these substances. “Psyche” meaning mind and “delos” meaning manifest, essentially translated to “mind manifesting.” These peculiar substances have a very unique set of qualities that possess the ability to change our consciousness, and if proper preparation and care are observed, they are also the tools to help rewire the brain. Without jumping too deep into the science, I will give a brief background into the way a few of the traditional psychedelics function.

Picture your brain sober with the neural connections firing from one section to another. In the sober mind, this could be illustrated by a map of the commuter rail system in Los Angeles. By way of contrast, if we were to take a look at the neural connections of a human who ingested a therapeutic (strong) dose of psychedelics, the brain would look more like the subway system of NewYork City, exponentially more complex with a vast amount of additional lines and connection points. Essentially these substances shake up the snow globe of our brains. They allow a massive expansion of connections to open up. Certain parts of the brain will chat with other parts that weren’t previously “on speaking terms.” This is partly the reason why psychedelics not only inspire neuro-plasticity (mental flexibility) but neurogenesis (new neurons being formed-the creation of brain cells) as well.

As humans, we love to predict and act accordingly. It makes less work for our cognitive processing. Our brains tend to favor the most efficient processes in order to maximize neural functionality. If we are able to predict enough things, we have pretty defined groves in the “snow”(communication pathways). Our pathways then become well established trails. When you begin sledding down the mountain (line of neuron communication), sooner or later you will likely cross a previous track and adopt the formed path to the bottom. This is known as habit and pattern recognition. It’s not to say this is bad, it’s just how muscle memory works.

Take a concept like writer’s block or a more severe case of ingrained behavior such as alcoholism or depression. Depending on the quality of such a pattern it could dictate quite a bit about our daily well being. The method in which psychedelics actually shake the snow globe of our brains is by slightly restricting blood flow to the frontal lobe, an area known as the default mode network (DMN). This is also where the ego (our ever-analyzing and qualifying voice in our head) calls home. As I said, psychedelics allow for communication to occur to and from many different parts of the brain that would rarely, if ever communicate. That is why some people can taste sunshine and see music when they take a psychedelic. Our brains are constantly filtering the majority of the information we gather from our senses and only allowing in what it deems pertinent to survival.

Our mind has one primary job and that is to stay alive. In order to survive, the less critical information needs to be cast aside. Those filters usually take the afternoon off when psychedelics are introduced into the system. And this is the perfect environment to establish new connections and patterns. There is a secondary mechanism that occurs when the DMN (default mode network) is offline. If enough of a substance is taken, the ego will essentially dissolve. Yes, I had the same reaction. That sounds mildly terrifying, and it can be. But let’s think into this a bit. Our egos are necessary, but as I’m sure you have experienced, it can sabotage our own best interests. Our ego is what propels us to achieve. It is also the little voice that doubts us into stagnation, the ever critical judge that rarely rests. Some people even identify with their egos and they can’t tell the difference between what they think and who they actually are. It is a sickness in our culture and leads to a life of constant seeking.

People are able to quiet the chatter by deep meditation, yoga, breathing, sex, and intense activities. But the ego never really leaves with any of the aforementioned activities. An absence of ego can open the doors allowing incredible things to happen. In this state, all of our defense mechanisms go offline and we are completely open. Which brings me to what I believe is one of the most special qualities of these compounds. Psychedelics can be an incredibly effective tool for healing traumas. When we invite in this experience (a therapeutic psychedelic trip) and are open to what can happen, amazing things usually do. A person is able to heal in a way that bypasses the thought process. In my experience, it is raw, intense and completely liberating. As my trusted guide once said, “it is like a cosmic car wash.” That is where the organic intelligence lies within these medicines.

And now, I will tell you my story. But first, some context. I am a 37 year old professional with two children, a modest income, short hair, and I don’t particularly like the Grateful Dead or cannabis in any form. With that brief background, it is my intention to share, in as much detail as possible, withholding only sensitive or private information, my eight hour psychedelic journey, and the lasting glow it established as one of the most profound and emotional experiences of my small time here on earth.

Pregame

Through the culmination of time and luck, I found myself in the hands of an underground psychedelic guide. What I didn’t know at the time was that this guide is regarded as one of the best. For privacy purposes, I will only refer to my guide as B. B’s experience with medicines (psychedelics) is vast, though you would never know through polite conversation. B is one of the most humble, kind and unassuming humans I have ever met. The experience he facilitates is a calculated cocktail of multiple medicines administered throughout the day to bring each client to the deepest of places in the safest possible way.

After many preparatory phone calls, my day had arrived. It began with a long Uber ride north of LA, winding my way through the crown tips of the mountains. When I arrived at the house, I was greeted with compassionate eyes and a hug from someone I had “seen” plenty of times over the phone, but never actually met in person. Though a very daunting task lay ahead, from the moment I saw this person, I knew I was in the right hands. B led me to a spacious 2nd floor room where I instantly felt comfortable. The only thing in the room was a half-sized queen mattress, clad with comfy pillows and soft blankets spaced over a very plush, new-looking carpet. There were plenty of windows, a large balcony, and a high-end air filter in the corner that seemed to keep just enough air flowing through the space to make it feel fresh.

After a few weeks of honest conversations with B, I had a handwritten page in which I detailed my intentions and issues I wanted to address during the session. We spoke in detail about what I believed I was holding onto and how it made me feel. With a formidable set of circumstances unfolding in my life; a close friend deteriorating from cancer, a divorce in the works, a constant pain in my jaw due to financial stress, there was a large backlog of much needed repairs buried deep. I was aware of this, but only “consciously” understood a fraction of what I was dealing with. The massive undercurrent below was more than I could truly grasp. But we were about to dive in.

Opening Kick

As any seasoned psychonaut (a term coined for those who explore the mind as some explore outer space) will tell you, the two most important variables that affect any psychedelic session are the set and the setting. “Set” refers to the intention or direction you would like your trip to go. “Setting” refers to the place in which you will physically be, as well as the people you are with. We sat down and before me, lay a pharmacopoeia of medicines, incense, a few crystals, an eye shade, and a very nice pair of wireless noise cancelling headphones. My guide walked me through the pace of the day, how things would go, what and how much I would be taking of each substance. Throughout the session I would be served four medicines in very specific doses and order.

The first was MDMA, a substance that generates empathy and trust. It opens people to acceptance and is considered the “heart medicine.” It is used to treat a wide range of issues including PTSD. B showed me the small translucent pills containing the white powder. The second was Psilocybin. This is the active ingredient in magic mushrooms. They are used to help treat addiction and depression. They were dried, ground up and put into a tea which helps with digestion and makes these bitter mushrooms easier to palate. The third was Ketamine, a dissociative compound that is also used to treat depression. B had this in powder form and used a small applicator to blow it into my nose. Again not for the faint of heart. And last I would be served 5-MeO-DMT. This is by far the most obscure substance, as it is found in the toxin of the Sonoran Desert Toad. The excretion from this animal, when dried and smoked, is the strongest and fastest acting psychedelic on the planet. Most of these medicines take little time to enter the bloodstream and find the neurotransmitters. 5-MeO-DMT will have you well on your way through the universe by the count of ten after inhaling.

After a week of very clean eating and fasting for the day of, we said a small prayer and began. The first to go down were the two capsules of MDMA. We waited a short time and then I began to drink the mushroom tea. As the MDMA begins to work, it keeps one calm as the mushrooms begin to enter the bloodstream. The mushrooms can cause anxiety. The MDMA helps soften that reaction and supports the body’s reaction to let go and “float down river.” I learned I have a very strong ego, and it was difficult to surrender to the experience of letting go of full control of one’s self. No one likes control being taken away, and when there is a massive shift in consciousness, the ego fights back. This internal resistance can be very challenging. After a bit of time, my guide sensed this and then introduced small amounts of ketamine. This helped quiet that area of my brain that was constantly chattering, the voice of doubt and judgment, which was creating a lot of fear. After I took some deep breaths and the ketamine set in, I could finally surrender to what was unfolding inside. Once that happened I melted into the experience.

The progression and compounding of the time and substances were like nothing I’ve ever been subjected to. When the first medicine hit me it was a little scary. I can’t really remember when I “felt it all” until I had to go to the bathroom. Walking was almost impossible without the help of my guide. I felt safe but was not in a familiar head space, curious more than frightened. Trails and patterns emerged everywhere. My body was floating, the serotonin and dopamine pulsing through me ensured an ear to ear grin with peaceful thoughts. Each substance seemed to compliment the subsequent and compound like a very well designed cocktail. It all delivered a layered and evolving experience that expanded and grew with every passing minute. Every ingredient shaped the overall taste. After an hour, all the medicines were simultaneously playing separate roles in the same play and, wow, what a performance! The only way to describe the experience was elegant. Despite the fantastic colors, a perfect playlist, and the dancing patterns, it was less about what I was seeing and more about what I was feeling.

Halftime

Curiosity and intrigue drifted away after I drank the booster dose (an extra serving to push me deeper into my experience) of mushroom tea. Brining my total checklist to a sizable eight grams of mushrooms, 220 mg of MDMA and a bit of Ketamine. And for anyone who may not have a frame of reference, Any of the first two amounts on their own is far beyond any recreational dose and demands diligent respect. Once that second bowl of tea went down, time ceased to exist.

Comfortably enclosed within my own world through the help of an eye mask and headphones, I was thrown into the abyss of my own mind. It was a universe so fantastic and beautiful, yet raw. I would, from time to time, reach out for my guide when I was scared. Like clockwork, B would take my hand and reassure me that I was safe. The world I entered was difficult to explain. I came to my guide with the intention to heal. And that is precisely what happened in the most gigantic way. With no gage of minutes or hours, I only had a sculpted soundscape to move within. And there in the heart of the experience, I gave up my guard and allowed what needed to come up to be felt.

Ever since I was young I pushed down pain, both physical and emotional. No one wants to feel hurt, but feeling the emotion is the best way to move past it. So I let the pain in. I felt hurt, sadness, and anger like I never have. All the hurtful things my wife had done and said were right there for me to deal with in real time. All the pain I had caused her, everything was available for me to process. The feeling of helplessness for my dying friend, just all of it. I remember grabbing my stomach with one hand and my heart with the other. I would cry out with all my soul in pain. Not like a scream, but a gentle yell. I was able to feel into my hurt so intensely and deeply. Imagine the way grief feels when it is fresh, there seems to be an ocean of weight inside of you and then multiply that times 1,000. Except it was all ok. It was as if I signed a contract giving myself full permission to feel and express with no limits. Half of the time I was crying, and the other half I was smiling with a new found sense of weightlessness and freedom. I rolled around for hours like this. It was emotional surgery. I dove into all the dark places and sat with the shadows. And then rolled into another place in my mind and played with the same issues. I could feel my guide holding me here and there, muffling my yells, gently protecting me. After what seemed like days, I sensed I was on the back end of the medicine, simply drifting, exhausted and breathless. It felt like I had just run a marathon.

The 4th quarter

Anyone who has ever smoked “the Toad”(the dried venom of the Sonoran desert toad, Bufo Alvarius) will tell you the details don’t come back too easily. The overall immersion into the divine isn’t able to be captured in words. Except maybe “love.” As I gazed over at my guide, I possessed just enough awareness to recognize tears were gently rolling down my face. After hours of this emotional surgery, made possible by the three previous substances working in unison, I had reached a place of calm catharsis. It was unspeakably beautiful and immeasurably deep. B helped me sit up slightly and asked if I was ready for the fourth and final medicine — Bufo, the toad, 5-MeO-DMT. I nodded and was instructed to inhale, slowly from a vaporizing pipe. As it went down, the smoke possessed an earthy taste that wasn’t ideal, but digestible. After I finished, B told me to hold my breath and began counting down from one to ten. As “eight” approached, I instantly felt something strong opening within me. When the word “ten” was reached, it was as if B knew exactly how long this neurotransmitter would take to fire those synapses and get across that blood-brain barrier. Everything went from timid to light speed. I felt as if I was in the center of the big bang, ever expanding with no limits. All I was able to recognize was pure white light, an endless ocean of loving energy traveling through me and out at unfathomable degrees. My ego was long gone, time does not exist in this realm, and I can only guess a random duration of maybe 15–20 minutes had passed. I was able to slouch on both knees, and when I opened my eyes, I was met with those of my guide’s. B was ever present and just as invested in my experience as I was. Every tear and wave of awe was met with a balancing field of compassion beaming right back into me. B gently took my hands and did so while holding an energy of peace and kindness that has since been burned into my soul. B was there for me throughout the entire session and had really taken the ride with me. B was in the passenger seat the whole day. Despite the fact that I had only interacted with this human over zoom and we had never physically met in person, I could see the love held for me was pure. My heart had been blown wide open to process all the hurt, pain, and traumas not with a shovel but with a dump truck. B’s kind soul held my balance for me as I dove in and dealt with the toughest and most challenging aspects of my past and myself. B’s steady gaze into my eyes provided a confident and kind tone delivered with affirmations that I desperately needed to hear. “You are a good man.” “You are complete.” “You’re a great father.” “You deserve love and the world deserves your love.” When the universe is expanding from within your essence and you hear these wonderful truths, it lands in the most extraordinary of ways. Even to this day there is no way to convey the experience of that moment, no combination of words strung together that could construct even a semblance of the feelings or the places visited. This showering of white light, an overwhelming flood of what can only be boiled down to as pure healing love.

As the toad wore off, as it is only active for 15–20 minutes, I regained enough agency to stand up. My guide held my hand and we walked outside. The temperature was perfect, the breeze was blowing a warm wind, and to top it off, thanks to the lingering mushrooms, the trees were still dancing. It is quite pleasant to watch such a thing after eight hours of an internal marathon. I was in calm reflection and quiet contemplation in the afternoon sun with a head full of psychedelics. After that I was landing fairly quickly. We went inside and enjoyed a snack tray, we began to talk about what came up and how I felt. We spoke until the sun went down. And Then, before I knew it, my Uber was pulling up. I hugged my guide for the fifth time, looked over and tried to thank B in an adequate way. B just smiled with a shaking head and restated “It was you who was doing all the work. It was you who was brave enough to dive in and look around. That takes courage my friend. All the heavy lifting was yours, I was just there to support you. Great work.” I closed the car door and away I went.

As advised, I spent the night away from my children, routines and most anything that would impact my mood adversely. So I spent the night in a friend’s camper up in the hills. I didn’t sleep much that evening as I really wasn’t sure what had really happened. All I knew was I wasn’t the same person from 16 hours earlier. When I finally began to drift off to sleep, there was a knowing that I had done what felt like years of therapy in a matter of hours. I was proud of myself.

The week after was very slow and tough. My body was very tired and my mind was even more so. Five days after the journey, my close friend passed after his battle with cancer. I was still very raw, quite open and it hit very hard. The weeks following got better and better. I spoke with B a few times a week for about a month. Each meeting we discussed what I had learned and how I was feeling. Each week became brighter and brighter. Even with the loss of my friend, I found acceptance in the deepest of ways. I was able to open a door inside and did some serious spring cleaning.

Afterparty

Today is one of those typical days in late winter/early spring. The wind is fierce from the northwest. I walk over the sand with my two children in tow. It’s late afternoon and the beach has been blown flat. Not a single foot print shows as we fight through the blowing stinging sand toward the waters edge. I look back and steal a glance of the jubilant grins on both my kids’ faces. It is cold, but fun to dance our way through the sandstorms. It’s been months since my day in the hills with my guide, yet I still have small leftovers that present themselves to me in the most unique of ways. My children seem to be one of the greatest triggers. When I am with them, something gently steers me to drop my shoulders, breathe through my nose, pause thinking and ‘poof!’ I’m instantly back in my shoes, grounded and 100% with them. I never noticed how often I was somewhere else, even when I was in the same room as them. Small reminders of gratitude, presence and overall compassion have shown up all over my daily life. I have noticed these wonderful pokes need to be cultivated, but it seems I crested the hill in a sense, and now I’m on a great road.

As much as the experience of that one day is a tale to tell, the integration is just as meaningful and important, if not more. Usually the more I allow, the better off I am. And what I mean by this is, the more I let things unfold naturally, the easier life seems to be. When you fight, the resistance can create some very challenging blocks. Never underestimate your own capacity to heal. As humans, we are resilient. If we can heal our bodies, why shouldn’t we be able to heal our psyches as well? I haven’t had a hard life, but I have been through some hard times. It has been five months, and since this experience, I have found more moments of peace and acceptance than in all the past years prior. The circumstances of my life haven’t changed much since, but the way I react to them has. I have a choice and I choose to be happy. Make no mistake, this healing psychedelic session was not a fix all, and by no means is meant for everyone. But, that eight hour journey burned a calm into me that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Those medicines were the catalyst to allow me to discard the heavy baggage from the past in the most effective and efficient way. I am more grounded and open. I spend more time right here in the now, in my shoes, and far less time in the regret of the yesterdays or the anxiety of the tomorrows. I am a better father and a better friend. I care more and react less. But this is just one small story of how a few “drugs” administered just once created a lasting positive impact on me and my circle.