Diary Entries of Christmas Winter-Johnson, the Child of a Hallmark Couple
By: Catherine Weingarten
Tags: Humor, Hallmark, Parents, Satire, Christmas

Jonathan Borba for Pexels

**Co-written with Gracie Beaver-Kairis**

December 1

My New Year’s Resolution is to figure out how to get emancipated. High school is bad enough without all my parents’ crazy bullshit. They’ve been screaming at each other all night until Mom threw a gingerbread house at Dad’s head and he said he was going to go sleep out in the garage. I wish I had normal parents instead of a resentful Dad who gave up his job as a big city lawyer to settle down in a small town and work at Mom’s dog bakery.

December 4

What if I never escape from this godforsaken town? I wish I could move somewhere with better schools. The curriculum at Jingle Bell High is literally just memorizing “A Visit from Saint Nick” and cutting out snowflakes from construction paper. How am I going to get into Stanford with nothing to show for myself but an A+ in Ugly Christmas Sweater Bedazzling? And Mom is just like, “All you need is Christmas cheer!” No, I’m sixteen, I need to learn Common Core.

December 7

Last night, Dad got loaded again on eggnog and told me that they only had me to try to save their failing relationship. Also all he wants is to leave this fricking obscure generic small town and go back to the big city. As soon as I turn 18, I’m changing my name from Christmas to Hanukkah just to spite them.

December 12

Ugh, I need to get out of this town. Today, my friends pressured me to skip school for an all-day caroling marathon again. Why can’t they understand that I just want to work on my college admissions essays instead of always spreading Christmas cheer?

December 20

Mom has been extra annoying lately. Yesterday she woke me up at 3am by dangling ice skates in my face and asking me if I wanted to have a whimsical winter adventure. Last time she did that, it was July, and there was no ice on the pond, so she started drowning, and we had to call the fire department. Then today she said, “Hey Christmas, let’s make eight dozen sugar cookies for dogs!” Like, no, Mom, I just want to read Infinite Jest, and also the vet says that’s what nearly killed Sprinkles.

December 24

It’s Christmas Eve and shit went down with Mom and Dad. Dad was hitting the eggnog hard and saying shit like, “I didn’t go to law school at UCLA so I could make gourmet Christmas dog biscuits for the rest of my life,” and then Mom was like, “You promised to always keep the spirit of Christmas alive in your heart” and Dad was like, “You don’t know the first thing about dog nutrition you dumb betch,” and Mom was like, “I should have stayed with my fricking loaded ex-boyfriend, the dermatologist who hated humor. I only left him for you because I thought you possessed Christmas in your heart, but maybe I was WRONG.” Then Dad said he was staying at his ex-girlfriend Stacey’s Christmas tree farm tonight and slammed the door on his way out. I don’t know what’s going to happen.

December 25

We woke up to a shimmering white blanket of freshly fallen snow. Presents were lovingly wrapped under the crisp Douglas fir in our cozy living room. Mom and Dad were sitting on the couch under a toasty flannel blanket, their arms wrapped lovingly around each other, as they gazed at the roaring fireplace.

“Care for another hot cocoa, my love?” Dad asked. Mom just smiled. The star on the top of the Christmas tree sparkled.

I bounded down the stairs in my nightgown, then dangled a sprig of mistletoe above their heads. They kissed and looked into each other’s eyes with all the Christmas spirit in the world.

Maybe everything will be OK after all! Merry Christmas!

December 26

Dad served Mom with divorce papers today.