Red States: Please Secede!
By: Simon Black
Tags: Political Satire, Trump, Election 2020, Politics, Humor

Red States: Please Secede!

If you want Trumparchy, you can have it.

Photo by Aubrey Hicks on Unsplash

After Texas’ DA’s insane bid to overturn democracy was thwarted by the Supreme Court, Allan West, the head of the Texas Republican party called for the red states to secede.

“Perhaps law-abiding states should band together and form a Union of states that will abide by the constitution,” West wrote.

Awesome.

This Union of States will be run by the Trump family as a feudal-type monarchy/oligarchy/theocracy. It will slowly evolve into a real-life Handmaiden’s Tale where religious fanatics and gun nuts will wreak havoc on thinking people all over the “Trump Union of States.” Science will be hamstrung by biblical interpretation. It will soon devolve into a failed state. Poverty and unemployment will lead the deplorables to wake up and try to overthrow their king. He’ll probably turn on them near the end.

There will be blood.

In the meantime, we in the coastal and coastal-adjacent blue states in the East, West and on the Great Lakes will be able to proceed with an earth-friendly, progressive politics that addresses the inequities in our system. Wealth will be redistributed and a woman will have the right to choose. Religion will be kept separate from public life and politics. And our economy will continue to boom as it is based on knowledge, science and innovation.

The Blue United States will kick the Red’s ass.

Will Georgia come with us?

There are some borderline states, including these as well as North Carolina and Florida. It will be tough for them, as they have big metropolitan areas with thriving technology sectors and blue politics. Many of these thriving cities will empty as educated people realize life under Trumpocracy is intolerable. There will be a massive migration to the Blue States, only adding to the poverty and disfunction for the Red States.

Will there be free trade between the two USAs?

We already know that Trump is against free trade because he’s such a wonderful supposed deal maker. The Red will have some grain and coal and other things that they will want in the Blue, but the Blue will have far more things that the Red want — iPhones, for instance. These will be more expensive for the Red, and will add to the sense that the Blue is the better place to live.

Will there be Civil War?

No, because the difference between this time and 1860 is that we don’t give a shit about the seceding states. They actually cared about keeping the South in the Union. We have had it up to here with Trumpism and Newt Gyngrichism and Tea Parties and all that bullshit. Fuck off conservatives. You are a faction of feckless idiots and we are not going to invade your Confederacy of Dunces because we’re better off without you.

In fact, you’re fired!

To use a term made famous by Trump, you can’t quit the US, because you’re already fired.

What about travel between the red and blue states? Will we need a passport to cross over?

Yes. It will be like going to Canada. But I want to ask you this — why would you want to go to a red state anyhow?

Will it be brother against brother like the first secession?

Every brother has a choice to make. Do they want to be with the idiots or with the people with half a brain?

That choice is a no-brainer for me.

If my brother makes the wrong choice, he is dead to me. Sorry, I’m all in on this. I don’t want a conscious uncoupling. I want an acrimonious divorce, you know like one of those breakups where all the friends have to pick a side.

No, you can’t be neutral.

The time for neutrality has passed. The time for bipartisanship is over. The Republicunts ended that. They ended a great 250-year history of democracy.

But was it really that great?

If it allowed this horrible movement of blockheads to emerge and take over half the country, then how great was it?

Been nice knowing you, deplorables. Go with God. Have a nice life. Good-bye, and good riddance!