High Rambling{志
By: Moray Ill
Tags: Blog, Journal, Ramblings, Creative Process, Drugs

Page 1 of 0. Origin

I keep a lot of my thoughts to myself for fear of judgement of course. And the more I kept the sherade of trying to be so sweet, I ended up in the muck with the rest of the beasts. I took risks in pursuit of a short lived happiness, losing the way to the light in favor of the darkness. It scares me to think of what I’m running into, and what I can do with my being.

But I do know that life leads me through this game like maze. And I’m trying to surrender to the obvious omens it manipulates for me to see the truth in things.

That’s not to say I don’t make mistakes. Missteps will happen via weak Will.

So while I say this with the utmost certainty, I don’t know shit really.

This the beginning

Something abo[ut the universe changed in the way it expressed itself. I thought of how bitches are on bullshit. They worry so much about the petty and don’t focus on they money.

It’s a goddamn mood. Yes. But I didn’t think of how much detriment I’m in. My actions spoke louder today on the eve of my 28th birthday. My grandma called me after a time where she was giving me the cold shoulder. And impart on my behalf, I have been giving her a hard time by making myself into who I am. I know it sounds very fatalistic to my ears, its common in many who are breaking away into their otherness.

I chose to break away at a time of complete opportunity, and squandered it with vanity. I mean it was my fault that I ended up with lack of savings. I indulged, heavily. I was going to live my little boyhood out for one last go. And I did, I know that turning 28 and living outside of the mental age of 18 for an extended period with only me flapping was necessary.

I flapped and dropped and soared but I haven’t crashed. And that’s the magic today.

I’m Stu[pid

I make decisions that don’t make sense. I’m probably the one that receives the rewards and in the end truly be the Prince I imagine myself as. But that’s just one of many possibilities, as to which is certain, I do not know.

So here we go into the depths of me. A way I speak without having to fight the urge to keep me away from you. I rather you read or see, really. The visual cut is everything. I pick people foolishly, I’ve been a whore for a score…literally. And for some reason, something in me says I have nothing to worry about. Even though I dip into a moment of intense worry to apathy…but I take the waves as they come. In both waves, I make dumbass decisions. I don’t know why…the urge is consistent. But when I get over it I return to the idea of me being a ghost or at least carrying one.

I made the decision to inflict madness upon myself without realizing what I was opening myself up to. And in the period, I was still a dumb ass. And honestly, I might have to continue to fight it forever, or I grow with it. Nothing needs to be stopped, only modified. I had to modify myself to fit the flow of my nature in order to tame it. Caging created ghosts as these dreams turned into nightmare. They haunted me for years, I kept them to myself, out of habit and fear of perception. With trickery comes stupidity. The Fox and it’s tricks they say.

The Fox had its fun

I’m here as an ambassador. I was a good boy that carried a prediliction towards infliction. Purposeful in circumstance type shit. I am not a malicious one, she says. She’s a type of calculation I’ve learned to deal with in reverence. However as all vehicles have their failings, I trust the powers of the being, if that’s what we’re getting into. She also teaches me that I must make them feel my pussy. If they crave, they behave.

However along the way I’ve made some steps I wish I could take back. But I move with a better grip on my urge. However I do get the craving to feed every now and then. I’m like, bitch take a dip. So in order to remove myself from that I try to create clarity. In the past I’ve been dodgy, and even recently I haven’t been the most innocent in action. In thought there was lack of consideratioon and maybe overanalyzation in a few areas. But the truth of me is that I’ve evolved, immensely but my core program overrides my will to pursue in a particular character.

Sometimes its because it’s not my character, or because I’m thinking too hard about what it takes to feel like the idea of something beyond my understanding. To have a force moving us with conscious involvment is a given, we are that force as well. But there must be more around in different states and realms. How our world interacts with a greater design is the fantasy of my dreams, to the point it becomes phantasy. That’s where I found magic and the mystical realm of things. At least an understanding of it’s functioning. Before everything had such a fludiness and randomness. But the more aware I became in life the denser I got.

I needed to free myself of my ghosts and I still struggle with their attachment. However, I continue with the knowledge I will make mistakes with a weak Will. I bolster my Will with positive expectation.