What are you having?
By: Kira Wertz
Tags: Parenting, Transgender, Life, Gender Identity, LGBTQ

There’s this thing that I find myself doing, and everytime I do it I can’t help but want to retch a little. It’s this strange impulse to make a gender inquiry when someone is expecting or talking about their expected children in generalities.

Trans people know why this is messed up. Hell, I know why it’s messed up; so why do I keep doing it?

I guess the short version of why I do this has to do with not wanting to be perceived as being an asshole. Since society in general already takes a dim view of Trans people, I figure it would be the icing on their cake if I said something to the effect of “don’t count on it” when someone proclaims it’s a “boy” or “girl.” But if I’m honest, this stuff drives me batshit crazy. Probably because I don’t often understand myself (yes I just said that).

Let’s get real for a second; or fake, I don’t care. When you were growing up unknowingly “Trans” (or even Cis), you wanted to fit that mold that your parents made for you, didn’t you? That’s the reason why this is so messed up. It doesn’t matter what they have, we try to live up to what they WANT because they are our Gods. Our parents made us, therefore we see them as Godlike, and we do not want to disappoint them. So what do we do? We shut ourselves off from the idea of being a different gender, and we drop ourselves into playing the role of Jester; acting the fool to amuse the King/Queen. It’s so painful. But our parents are none the wiser.

Most parents don’t realize they’ve even done anything wrong. They painted the baby’s room pink or blue, and never considered the possibility that purple might be a more apt color. They’ve given into the binary, that thing that says there is only black and white, up and down, left and right. Why is it that everything in life is simplified to a 2 part solution. That’s fucking crazy. Even Kirk had to cheat to beat the Kobayashi Maru. There is a solution, it’s thinking outside the box.

So how do we win?

Don’t put your child in a box; especially before their born!

As a Trans person I would never attend a “gender reveal” party for this reason. Don’t get me wrong, statistically speaking your kid is gonna be super thrilled with the anatomy their born with. But what damage are you inflicting on them with your gendered expectations when they don’t relate to that anatomy? Are you shaving years off their life? Will they commit suicide before they even reach adulthood? Or will they endure; develop dependencies, partake in risky life threatening behaviour, and basically do everything within their ability to end their suffering as soon as possible but without obvious motive (admitting they aren’t the gender YOU wanted)?

As a parent, I challenge you to not force gender roles or expectations on your kids from day one. Let them teach you what toys they want to play with, what clothing they want to wear, and who they need to become. You have no right making those decisions! Just because this “being” is dependent on you doesn’t mean you get to decide their destiny. As a parent who knows who they (you) are, how would you have reacted to your own parents telling you weren’t the gender that you identify as?

Does it seem clear now?

This IS the struggle of a transgender child. You simply cannot know your child’s gender until they know their gender.

It would be my prayer (if I prayed) that parents would allow their kids to grow up independent of gender. That they may find their own course without external direction. In this ether, they will find their truth. It will not be misguided by matters of genitals or chromosomes, but by understanding of self. Let your children teach YOU who they are, and who they need to become. And please do not latch onto that ultrasound and proclaim “it’s a Boy” or “it’s a Girl.” Because you literally have no fucking clue how much damage that proclamation might be inflicting.

Love is genderless. Love your child no matter who they need to be, and love them for who they become. Love them because it’s so much easier than hate. Love them because you LOVE them.