Jeff Bezos’s Lazy Saturday Morning Routine
By: Molly Henderson
Tags: Morning Routines, Jeff Bezos, Amazon, Technology, Humor

5:15 A.M.: Internal performance optimization alarm activated. Eyes fly open. Strangled war cry escapes mouth. Fist reflexively punches air.

5:15–5:20 A.M.: Somersault out of bed. Land in plank position on bedroom floor. Command: “Alexa, read me unopened Jeff Bezos fan mail.” Do 200 push-ups to the sound of Alexa mechanically reporting a detailed sex dream sent in by Trisha Wagner, ‘your #1 fan in Haysville, Kansas.’

5:20–5:30 A.M.: Burn effigy of self. Whisper, “Always be better than yesterday.” Watch hungrily as effigy burns. Observe, pleased, as tiny robot sweeps ashes into tiny dustbin, opens drawer full of Jeff Bezos effigies, and replaces effigy in preparation for tomorrow’s ceremony.

5:30–5:35 A.M.: Tweeze one nose hair. Place carefully in vial and stopper. Add vial to Clone Library.

5:35–5:40 A.M.: Open hatch in bathroom floor and drop down into kitchen, landing in power lunge before fridge. Open fridge. Remove tray labelled “Optimized Protein Cubes.” Eat four.

5:40–6:00 A.M.: Open hatch in kitchen floor, landing in power lunge in the archery room. Command: “Alexa, play ‘Jeff Bezos’ Princeton Commencement Speech: Dubstep Remix.’” Acquire target, which is the words ‘Customer Dissatisfaction’ printed in the middle of a speech bubble emerging from Satan’s mouth. Archery practice.

6:00–6:15 A.M.: Take high-speed elevator from archery room back up to master bathroom. Fully submerge self in ice cold bath. Keep eyes open underwater. Require no breath. Feel no pain.

6:15–6:30 A.M.: While air-drying naked body, exfoliate, moisturize, and polish bald head.

6:30–6:45 A.M.: Remain naked. Open second hatch in bathroom floor, landing perfectly centered in the Warehouse Control Room, atop the Amazon Hover-Board (patent pending). Fire up 360-degree warehouse security monitor. Crack knuckles.

6:45–6:47 A.M.: Alert! Worker #886 in Warehouse #53 (Santa Fe) has stopped working to massage back of neck. Hover-board violently over to Screen #53 and press “ZAP.” Watch as biohacked neuron sends signal to worker, who jumps and frantically grabs next parcel. Feel wave of intense pleasure course through veins.

6:47–7:30 A.M.: Ride the Hover-Board methodically between warehouse screens, zapping inefficient workers.

7:30–7:40 A.M.: Keeping eyes on screens, record a few lines of stark, powerful prose for chapter eight of autobiography, ‘Extremely Clever and Incredibly Rich; Also, Very Hot: Jeff Bezos on Jeff Bezos’ (“Phase Six: Acquisitions & Mergers of ALL OF IT”).

7:40–7:45 A.M.: Take high-speed elevator from Warehouse Control Room to master bedroom. Open closet, which is empty save one black polo shirt, one pair of dark navy jeans, one pair of black aviator sunglasses, and “Jeff Bezos” name-tag. Apply all to body.

7:45–7:45.02 A.M.: Double finger guns in mirror.

7:45–9:45 A.M.: Open hatch in bedroom floor, landing in power lunge in the Clone Room. Have riveting conversation about warehouse worker performance optimization with Jeff Bezos clone prototype #8.

9:45–10:30 A.M.: Open hatch in Clone Room floor, landing in ‘Thinker’ pose in the Idea Room. Brainstorm ideas for Amazon corporate retreat. Decide on South American portage trip ending at life-threatening Class 5 white-water rapids in Chile. Survivors will be fired. Successful completion of challenge suggests winners have spent time improving physical fitness and are therefore insufficiently committed to The Company.

10:30–10:31 A.M.: Think about divorce by accident. Is she happy? Is she happier? Mutter: “No, Jeff.”

10:31–10:31.003 A.M.: Scan brain for topic other than ex-wife. Land immediately on customer satisfaction optimization.

10:31.003–11:15 A.M.: Analyze Amazon customer data to determine best-selling product. Discover that it is a pair of artificially intelligent jazz shoes that rewires your central nervous system to make you a ‘real snazzy cyborg dancer,’ called the JiggyBoots™.

11:15–11:45 A.M.: Develop blueprints for near-identical alternative to the JiggyBoots™. Call them the Amazon JiggyBootz™. Make them voice commandable, and sell for half the price.

11:45–11:50 A.M.: Delete unread e-mails from charities asking for donations.

11:50–11:59 A.M: Generate list of junior executives who will be the lucky recipients of Saturday afternoon surprise performance reviews.

12:00 P.M.: Internal performance optimization alarm activated (PHASE 2: AFTERNOON). Open hatch in Idea Room floor, landing in driver’s seat of giant Amazon drone. Punch in address of first lucky junior executive. Double finger guns in rear-view mirror. Game on.