How did 1918 Survive a Pandemic without Online Porn?
By: Brian Kean
Tags: Relaxation, Society, Porn, Humor, Mental Health

Most people couldn’t imagine that such a pandemic was possible. While there are indeed a lot of similarities between the worldwide pandemic in 1918, known simply as the “flu” (or Spanish flu) there was one major difference.

Today we have online porn.

Pornhub, the world’s largest porn site, beat all of the best companies in the world and pulled off a marketing coup few saw coming: Stay home and wash your hands and we will offer a whole month of free high-definition porn. If the increased volume of traffic was any indicator of what was going on in many homes last Spring, more than just hands needed to be washed.

Industry after industry has suffered but modern humans demonstrated they differ very little from their most primal ancestors. Online porn activity blew every other online activity out of the water.

While there has been no empirical evidence as of yet on how the pandemic has effected birthrates, the already declining European populations are certain to take another hit assuming the increased watching was done alone; and, enjoyed with the standard array of porn exercises.

Cultural anthropologists and marketers will have years of fun trying to figure out why activity was so high at certain times in one country and virtually non-existent in other ones. Italians seemed to be most porn active (MPA) from from just after breakfast to a few minutes before the traditional lunch; activity resumed mid-afternoon to dinner and then dropped off until the next morning. Germans were MPA beginning precisely at 7 AM ending their activities promptly at 7:46 AM. Silent throughout the day and most of the evening, a small rise was noticed from 10:24 and 10: 37 PM.

The French maintained a steady hand throughout the day and long into the night. Spain’s online porn activity was so spiked during the famous Spanish siesta that Pornhub and other popular sites had to do “porn-outs.” A porn out is where they show content with longer storylines uploading at slower speeds. In one instance, it was estimated that 53% of Spanish households were unwittingly watching the unbearably long final scene of Apocalypse Now believing it to be the Iberian favorite Opaque Lipped Sow.

Noticed by marketers throughout Europe was the massive increase in sale of mangos, kiwis and guacamole-flavored, ruffled potato chips. The chips became so popular, and so hard to find, that on the black market a party-sized bag was fetching 50 euros.

As harsh as 2020 has seemed to many, let’s consider how people had to quarantine in 1918. There was no home delivery of food. There wasn’t takeout pizza or Chinese. Not only was there no internet but also no radio, TV or home delivered newspapers. And, there certainly was no online porn.

Masturbation, if and when someone could carve out a minute or two of alone time at the close the twentieth century’s second decade, had to rely on good old fashioned imagination — and it wasn’t like you were imagining that hot delivery guy with the bulging muscles or the very attractive woman you often see working out at your gym. If you were lucky you could get your hands on a Sear’s catalog and take a peak at the corset advertisements. It seems unlikely that Pornhub will be adding that category anytime soon.

A lesson need be learned, people. The next time you are feeling blue or restless with cabin fever because of this interminably long pandemic, recall how our countrymen and women before us so stoically managed to survive their pandemic which was actually worse. Think about how they took matters into their own hands and survived in tact.

Stop whining and complaining — get a hold of yourself (pun intended). Count our blessings and remember, at least we’ve got online porn.