What no one tells you about having a baby… in a pandemic.
By: Alys Peart
Tags: Birth, Birthstory, Birth Trauma, Pandemic, Pregnancy

Freddie and me, our first official picture.

When you decide to have a baby it is a big thing. Life changing in so many ways. We live in a society that is so dictated by what you see online, you expect it to be very Instagram worthy; however my pregnancy journey was far from that. Sadly in 2019 I had a miscarriage and whilst it was early on, I was only 5 weeks pregnant, that loss was huge. It tore me apart. I was amazed at how many people around me had been through the same thing and didn’t talk about it. The shame that goes with miscarriage is unspoken about. I personally felt that I had made the whole pregnancy up and that it hadn’t really happened. I felt this huge loss inside. I think about that baby all the time, what would she have been like, what would my pregnancy have been like had I not had a miscarriage. So many what ifs?

I was fortunate enough to find out I was pregnant later in the year, with our baby being due in June 2020. Maybe, finally, I would get my Instagram worthy pregnancy! Having had a loss previously, I spent the first 12 weeks very nervous, anxious and generally in a state of worry about what I would find every time I went to the loo. We had our first scan and I was ecstatic to see the heartbeat! Thankfully it was pre-pandemic (if that is even a word now!) so my husband was with me; I can’t even imagine that experience without him. And my heart goes out to anyone who has had to experience that alone and find out there is a loss.

I did, however, spend the rest of my pregnancy anxious about something going wrong and questioning whether the baby was moving. Whilst those first flutters are amazing, it also makes you worry if you don’t feel them. As we went into the 2020, I started to show and it was lovely to have a baby bump and start to actuallyfeel pregnant. Then all of sudden, the COVID virus was getting more real. It wasn’t just localised to China; before we knew it, Italy was under lockdown and it felt like it was getting nearer and nearer to hitting the UK. We had a babymoon planned in March; my last holiday pre-baby and really our first holiday since our honeymoon back in 2017! Sadly, though, the holiday was cancelled as Spain made the announcement that they too were going into lockdown due to the high number of cases there. A week later, we went into lockdown. A lockdown we thought would last only a few weeks. Everyone kept saying, it will all be over by the time you have the baby. We then spent the next 3 months talking about the changes daily in what might happen. From the moment the lockdown started and maternity units started changing their allowances, I was anxious. My husband is my person; he keeps me calm and he makes me feel safe. I was doing hypnobirthing to try and keep calm which did help, but the ever-changing conditions were not helping. One minute, at the start of lockdown, he could be with me. Then, as time went on, it became harder and harder in terms of the allowances for partners being with labouring mothers. I even read about a woman up north who was alone, and due to the press sensationalising the story, it made it so much harder for me mentally and the worry was pretty intense. I was still months away, but those months flew by. No one had really seen me pregnant; I didn’t get my baby shower, I didn’t get my last meal out, or even the massage that I was so looking forward to. I was suffering with PGP and what with worrying about the baby’s movement, my the anxiety was high about that and the impending birth. It all felt so unfair and not how so many others had it.

June came and the heatwave hit. I was struggling physically, and my due date came and went. At the time of my due date, the rules stated that Pete was only allowed in once I had entered established labour. I was due to be induced a week after my due date, but I pushed this out by a few more days to the Friday. I was then prepared by the midwifery team that I might have to have an inpatient induction due to my blood pressure creeping up. I asked to be an outpatient, but sadly as I was taken in for the induction, my blood pressure was too high for them to let me go home. So, there I was, 9 days overdue, it was 34 degrees outside and I was alone. So much information was given and not given at the same time; I was under the impression that an induction takes 24 hours and then my baby would be here! 3 days later and lots of tears, not much sleep and with high levels of cortisol running through my body, I was a mess!! They managed to break my waters and Pete could come in. Unfortunately, there were a few complications with the baby during the induction process so I was rushed in for an emergency C-section. Thankfully my Pete was with there, but it was such a strange experience with everyone in masks, and not just in the surgery, and he was also forced to leave 5 hours after the birth — not what I expected for my Instagram portfolio!

All told, I was in hospital for 5 days and my husband was with me for just 10 hours! That is shocking; oxytocin is the thing that gets birth going and I am pretty sure I had not 1mg in my body over those 5 days.

Sadly, the week after the birth was very hard; healing from a C-section and getting to grips with breastfeeding took its toll. At my baby’s day 6 weigh in, we were told that he had lost too much weight and we had to be admitted to hospital again. It was my worst nightmare, and guess what, I was alone again. My husband had to leave his exhausted wife and underweight baby at the door to A&E. I had to watch my 6-day old son have a COVID test and then be wheeled around to the ward. I was fortunate to be given a private room, but that made it even harder as I then didn’t understand why Pete couldn’t be allowed in with us. For context, that same weekend the pubs re-opened for the first time since we entered lockdown in March. So, I could have gone to the pub with my husband and baby where COVID was rife, but my husband couldn’t be with me when our new born baby and I were going through one of the most traumatic events of our lives. It felt, and still does feel, so unfair, unkind and traumatic. I needed my person there, I was sleep deprived, I was scared and I really was worried about my son and my own mental health. Luckily, we were out in 2 days and things have been great with Freddie ever since.

Sadly, I have suffered mentally; 8 weeks in I was struggling with my mental health. I felt so low and simply couldn’t see a light. I am fortunate that I have a strong support network and I was able to seek therapy privately, as well as speaking to my GP about whether medication would be a good option. I was lucky to have the support that I did but I also feel incredibly sad, knowing that there are so many out there that don’t have the support I do and don’t feel comfortable talking about their mental health. I feel that with all the clinics and classes being closed in those first few weeks of my baby’s life, it meant that a situation was created that was determinantal to mine as well as other mother’s mental health. Those are the places where people ask are you ok. Those are the places where people make you feel less alone, and you gain comfort from other mothers who are going through what you are.

I now have birth trauma and post-natal depression; something that is going to impact my life for the foreseeable future. I am getting the help I need for this, but none of this is what I believed my birth story or pregnancy would be like. Would I have changed it? Yes. But I also know that I have the most perfect baby at the end of it. Do I think the pandemic and the ever-changing rules played a part in my decline of my mental health? Yes. I do think that at the heart of this all, no one is thinking about the mental health of the mother and that makes me incredibly sad and angry. The midwives that you meet are amazing; they are doing more than they have ever done and I was fortunate that 90% of the care I received was great. But, none of them are my husband, my chosen partner. Whilst the pain each day becomes less, I am not sure that what happened to me during this time will ever leave me. I know it could have been worse; so many people say that whilst trying to be supportive. I know I am lucky to have a supportive family and friends around me, and I couldn’t have gotten through this all without them. But, ultimately, this pandemic has been hard on all mothers who have given birth. And the ever-changing rules have, I believed, increased the mental anguish and anxiety that mothers go through ten-fold. My heart goes out to anyone who has experienced this — please do feel free to reach out to me if you want to talk.

Below are some useful resources if you don’t feel like you can talk.