Suddenly Single and Not Looking to Mingle
By: Lizzie Finn
Tags: Self, Life Lessons, Love, Marriage, Self Improvement

Suddenly Single and Not Looking to Mingle

I didn’t plan to be alone in midlife — or expect to flourish on my own

Photo by Lizzie Finn

I was part of a couple for my entire adult life. I married the boy I fell in love with at nineteen, raised a family, and was preparing for the next phase of life when he walked out to start his new life without me.

Needless to say, I was shocked and grief-stricken. I knew we had problems. I never dreamed it was over, especially as he pretended as if he was still working on our marriage and not plotting his escape.

My immediate response to being single at 52? I believed I’d want to date ASAP because being alone and focusing solely on myself sounded very unappealing.

It’s not that I needed someone to take care of me — quite the opposite. I couldn’t imagine a life where I wasn’t the caretaker and nurturer — I believed it was my job to put the needs of someone else before my own.

A year later, with space and time, I see my immediate reaction was pure fear-based. I was afraid of the unknown.

I didn’t know how to be alone because I’d never been alone.

Plus, I assumed being married and coupled up was preferable to being single because 1) that’s what society tells us, and 2) being married was all I knew.

Institutionalized

I never lived alone as an adult. This meant I skipped an essential developmental stage of taking care of my own needs and learning about myself and my daily rituals, habits, and routines. Instead, I learned how to be part of a couple first, and that required compromise and sacrifice before I even really knew myself or my core values. I traded in freedom and independence for security, support, and love.

It turns out, to quote one of my favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption — I was “institutionalized.” I had been part of the institution of marriage for so long that I didn’t know any other way of life. And I was deathly afraid I wouldn’t survive life as a single person.

I honestly didn’t know how single people lived or spent their time. I couldn’t imagine not checking in with someone daily. I didn’t know my wants and needs. I didn’t know how to put myself first.

According to the article below, only 15% of divorced or widowed women say they want to remarry (compared to 29% of men who say the same).

In the article, Dr. Gail Saltz, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the New York-Presbyterian Hospital, a psychoanalyst, and author of The Power of Different says, “If a single person has designed their life as they want it and filled it with things that reliably make them happy, they are really only looking to pair up with someone who truly enriches their life.”

My mantra is ‘never say never.’ But I am definitely in a phase of life where I am okay with being single. I’m enjoying getting to know myself and following my passions without compromise.

While I am grieving the loss of my old life and the future I imagined, I am not looking for a partner right now, because I feel fulfilled and whole, and quite happy.

Many single middle-aged women I know came out of long-term marriages feeling depleted and unappreciated. We give so much and often get much less in return. We think we are in equal partnerships, but in reality, because men aren’t socialized to nurture, we still do the bulk of the mental, emotional, and spiritual heavy-lifting.

There was a New Yorker cartoon circulating recently that spoke to the role women play in men’s lives and vice versa.

And it’s telling that the women I sent it to, sent it to me too.

This remains the dirty little secret about marriage that we don’t discuss with our mothers and daughters or in public, but something we all know too well — even in the year 2020.

Women are exhausted from marriage and family. And things are so much worse during this pandemic when once again, women are carrying the bulk of the burden of childcare and schooling — while also working, and caring for the home and elderly, aging parents.

Why does modern marriage continue to work against women or exploit our natural inclinations to nurture? Why does it require us to give up parts of ourselves, while men gain an entire mental, emotional, and spiritual support team?

Falling into place

It wasn’t until I moved into my empty nest and began to pour all my energy and resources into myself instead of my husband and our family — that I started to flourish in ways I couldn’t imagine.

Everything is falling into place for me now with very little resistance.

Despite the separation, moving, grief, depression, and a global pandemic — I am thriving. In the last year, I’ve cultivated over 1000 followers on Medium, and I launched an entire Screenwriting Academy. At the same time, I immersed myself in a ten-month course in Happiness Studies, and I’ve taken several workshops in psychedelic therapy. I’m working on a Young Adult novel and revising several of my screenplays.

Things are flowing for me.

Being single has perks. I can meditate, walk, dance, nap, read, write, and work when inspiration strikes and commit as much time and energy as I want to launch my passion projects. For years, my family came first, and that’s not something I would change. But I’ve learned putting myself last did take a toll on my health and happiness. It would have been nice if someone taught me how to have balance.

Now, without distractions and competing demands on my time, I can say yes to the things that feed my soul and say no to those things that deplete my energy — without feeling an ounce of guilt.

Relationships and happiness

According to research, relationships are a crucial indicator and predictor of happiness. We are social animals, and love fulfills us in ways few things can.

However, subpar relationships that place undue demands on us — do not make us happy. Nor do they make for happy, healthy, functioning families.

I think too many of us put our eggs into one basket. We believe it’s our partner’s job to complete us or make us happy. But happiness is an inside job. Happy people thrive and create happy relationships. Unhappy people who wait for others to fulfill them will never find the happiness they desperately seek.

I may not have a man in my life, but I am not alone. I have other relationships that are flourishing now that I can invest more of my time and energy into them.

Ultimately, I believe the relationship we have with ourselves is the most important. Getting to know your wants and needs is an essential stage of development that we often skip when we are young and in love. For those who find ourselves suddenly single, it’s not a bad thing to spend time on our own figuring stuff out.

To me, this unexpected unraveling of my life has provided a great gift. In midlife, I am finding my true self. Sadly, I see so many people doing the opposite. They choose to lose themselves even more.

As to whether or not I’ll ever remarry, who is to say?

I do know at this point in my journey, I’d rather remain single than compromise on my core values and needs going forward.

I’m also enjoying this single ride, and not yet looking to get off of it.