men.
By: Data Dumping
Tags: Men, Love Letters, Masculinity, Lust

I spend some time writing about my relationships with women, let me wax poetic with men. It is the holiday season so let me give up something nice and talk about the men I have liked. Mind you, just because I liked these men does not mean I wanted to have sex with them. Again, I am not into sex when I am not in a relationship. And for me to want to have a relationship, it needs to be sanctioned by the goddess for me.

Why so strict? It was a simple thought when I was nine after my father told me to treat family better than anyone else since they should always be there for you. Paired with my mother’s statement at seven of never marrying anyone to change them, and acknowledging the power of the deities, I prayed for the gods to guard my heart until they deemed it needed and kept up that prayer until I forgot about wanting a relationship became a fear. So let's start this off and say it is not men I fear of themselves as much as the sex with them being far more labor-inducing and consisting of a trap of children. You have no idea how much easier it is to physically copulate with women when you don’t have a mess to worry about. I will write my coming out story someday.

Anyway! The first boy I love was aptly named Kalove. I adore Kalove to this day. I fondly recall his brown and green eyes, his soft curls, and rat tail (it was the 90s.) I was not keen on his rat tail but I longed to touch his curls. Sadly, he moved before I could do more than moon over him for a summer. He was the main boy in my boy riddled neighborhood that I felt would understand me and be a friend instead of creepy.

Alas, I am glad I did not know him through puberty as if he morphed into some horn dog pervy boy… Let’s move on to middle school.

I created my crush system in middle school since I was not going to participate in the sex thing that was infecting all the conversations around me if we were not talking about things. Glory, I can not handle a conversation on comparing items unless I can afford it or the item holds some useful value. But when it came to ranking people on something that they did not create, their looks, well you lost me. I never wanted to participate since it was personality that makes my blood sing so I used the shys to get away from saying anything to the boy I chose to like for the school day. I think the only one that sticks in my mind from this time was Paris because I had to do a report on him in English. I left middle school glad it was over. That is more due to the divorce story. I get to that one day.

High school was interesting. I was still able to get away with not having any interest in sex things but I did want someone to share my day with. I want to say my crushes were Trevor and Author but not really. I liked Author because he was new to the school, short and carmel toned. He also was muscled and nice to me. I talked to him on the phone for a few weeks but his conversation was limited to sports. So I chatted with a tubby guy Ira for a semester since he liked music and was ticklish. That boy could also run and tickling him was really fun. But he did not want me so much as he wanted to have sex with me. I could tell from the friends that he kept and the silence on the phone despite talking about everything under the sun. He would only open up when talking about his brother and his accomplishments. It was odd. Like he only wanted to admire what other people had instead of enjoying his own ideas. Those conversations stopped when I joined the debate team.

I have already expounded on the last male that I thought would get me, Will from California who did not like me for me but would try me just to have something to do while he healed from his last girlfriend. There was one male on that campus that I enjoyed as himself named Micheal that was nice enough but still not enough to try to love. Will represented travel and made me think of moving to California. And for him, I considered being a flight attendant for a year. I also considered being a nun during this period.

But by this time, I was more into masculine of center women as they had that something special men were missing: a love for the sensuality that makes men masculine. So when I started my exploration into dating women, my vows from my teen years were harder to keep.

As I blossomed into the LGBTQ community, I heard the hate for bisexuality and ignored my attraction to certain men as they tended to be gay like me. I shunted my latent desires to liking men as friends. Most of the time, that was it. Some gay men made me pant a bit and I would look for women that exuded that kind of masculine energy. The being that did it for me that I can recall fondly? An adorable trans person that was a tad too into their feminine energy, a sign of their evolving transgender idenity, as in he was super gay but short (what can I say, I like my men shorter than me it seems.) and flexible (he was a yoga instructor) and nice in more than having manners but nice as a performer. Hunh. I guess I have a thing for explorative artists. He was comfortable enough to have in the green room (he made other women feel safe around him. Big thing for me.) But he was not tsunami so I stayed admiring when we spent time together and forgot him when he left the room. He was not called to me by the deities but I would have made a pass if he were bi.

…Hmmm. Now I think about it, there was another person that found attractive the same time I met my soulmate. I wrote about him after I hugged him and several others. Anthony. He was not really nice so much as honest about who he is to people and I, as a gamer, like when people self typecast. Anthony did that. I admire people that tell you who they are when you ask. But he is also a knowledge hoarder in his knowledge of movies and knowledge hoarders make me mean. I would almost prefer not knowing you have some cache of knowledge and not giving me a hint. Add to him being Vietnamese with a slur on his speech and there is another physical thing that I find fascinating. But he was not tsunami so I could admire him fondly and not have any strong longing beyond wanting his knowledge.

Anthony was not the only one that made me angry for being hot to me. That was Allan in my gaming community. He was nice to me and complimented my cooking one evening. But he was just hot for a doctor. Nothing special about him besides sparking a tween boy band thing. Hell, I nearly forgot to mention him.

So that was a long essay to say I don’t like toxic masculinity. I like the divine masculine. So if you, as a man come to me as a man, I am not into men; I am into the masculine. I like men that celebrate their masculinity and explore its range. It brings me back to my essay on gay men. They explore their masculine and embrace their feminine. And as a woman that embraces the divine feminine, I want the compliment to it.