Is Narcissism Becoming a Trend or a Diagnosis for Abuse?
By: Kristina H
Tags: Narcissism, Love, Healing, Relationships, Abuse

An in-depth look

Is Narcissism Becoming a Trend or a Diagnosis for Abuse?

The label of narcissist doesn’t necessarily match all abusers

Narcissist - Have you heard this word?

Of course you have. This word is becoming THE NAME for all abusers. Somewhere, over the past year or two, this word has begun to be thrown around as the description for anyone who harms, manipulates, or traumatizes another human being. It is a word that triggers most people into an automatic reaction of eye-rolling, flinching, or scrolling past pieces of valuable information, because of its overused discussions and debates.

If you conduct any research, on NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder) you will find that in the United States alone, over 158 Million people are affected by narcissistic abuse. This is much worse than any pandemic. There are many theories that all abuse is narcissistic, and most people have narcissistic tendencies. It seems, however, that the world has woken up to the word NARCISSIST, simply to give a non-human word to the abuse they endure. For me, assigning a title to my abusers makes them less human, and more of a diagnosis. As much as I believe that most human beings show some signs of narcissism, it is still not an excuse to cause harm to others.

There are multiple tests online to see if you are a narcissist. According to this one, I am NOT.

If you follow Tik Tok, the survivors and “experts” on narcissism are everywhere, and they have their own followers and communities. I have a full appreciation for anyone who KNOWS what narcissistic abuse means, and what it feels like to be a victim of the narc. The same narc survivors share their stories on Instagram, Facebook, and other platforms, in order to process their pain and to help others. Ironically, these same survivors are being accused of being narcissistic because they openly advertise, detail, and describe their journeys on social media without inhibition. The discussions on Tic Tok has been dubbed Narc Tok because it is so commonly addressed and shared. Personally, I don’t have the bravado or the skills to video my story, but I do have the courage to write it out. Does this make me narcissistic as well?

Again, I have a full appreciation for all of the open NAS’s (Narcissistic Abuse Survivors), along with their insight, yet I struggle with the theme, “Narcissists are Abusers”.

Photo by Philip Martin on Unsplash

Are All Abusers Narcissists?

So, the origin of the word Narcissist stems from Greek mythology when a young Narcissus fell in love with his own image in a pool of water. Over time, it fell into Sigmund Freud’s hands and he went further, writing essays on how Narcissism is a personality disorder, pertaining to self-opinion, self-reflection, and how it pertains to relationships with other people.

There is a lot more to how a narcissist is identified as such, but that is information for another time.

But, here is my own concern with abusive people being labeled as narcissists:

I have known and have had many experiences with abusive people. I am not proud of this. What I can tell you, though, is that I cannot necessarily call the pedophile in my childhood a narcissist. I also cannot confirm that other abusers in my life were narcissistic. I have also been exposed to extreme narcissists who have done significant damage to me and my mental health over the years. These abusers may all share the fact that can be abusive, but they do not all present as Narcissists.

If you define the signs and symptoms of narcissism, the word ABUSER is not always a descriptor. In fact, for the most part, the words Superior, Arrogant, Self Absorbed, Entitled, and Self Admiring is how a narcissist is described, and this makes valid sense.

However, and I say this with all due respect to those who have suffered any type of abuse; not all abusers are necessarily narcissists. The reason I say this is because I know a few abusers who would not fall under the category of arrogant, self-absorbed, self-admiring, or even entitled. This is where it gets tricky on the slippery slope of abuse.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

Abusers and Narcissists

An ABUSER- Is a violent thief. They take from others in a way that is difficult to understand, and harder to forgive. They may be mentally abusive, sexually abusive, physically abusive, spiritually or gender abusive, neglectful, or confining. They are defined by how they treat others, and/or often how they treat themselves. Often abusers are self-harming, and the abuse they conduct is a force from within them that lacks moral compass, apathy, empathy, or self-control. The abuse they inflict on others may be conscious or subconscious and they prey on victims who are vulnerable.

Remember when I said this gets tricky?

Well, not all abusers are arrogant, nor do they feel entitled. In fact, some abusers feel inferior to their victims and abuse them in order to ”level up” in their own inner power or control. They NEED to make someone feel powerless in order to function. As wrong and as messed up as this is, it doesn’t earn them the title of a narcissist. Abusers typically have low self-esteem and a lack of common sense. They struggle to be heard, felt, or seen, and abusing others gives them a fix. Often, survivors of abuse will abuse others because of the vicious cycle of lack of self-esteem and self-control.

To be a narcissist is almost the opposite; the narc feeds off their victim’s weakness because they feel superior. Somewhere in the narcissist’s inner ego, they are God-like and can do what they want, without consequence. An abuser doesn’t often know why they abuse others, nor do they comprehend that what they are doing is abusive.

There are also abusers who don’t know how to NOT abuse others. They have been raised in a household where abusing others was classified as normal behavior. Narcissism doesn’t play into this situation. It is basically a lifestyle that has been embedded into the behavior of an abuser.

I cannot call my abuser (pedophile) a narcissist, because he is not an entitled, arrogant monster. He may still be a monster, but I know first hand that he is not arrogant, he is most definitely not superior, and the only time he was abusive was when he was under the influence of alcohol. This DOES NOT excuse him for anything he did. But his behavior alone does not make him narcissist, necessarily. He is a very old man now, who is humble, quiet, shy, and doesn’t have much to say about anything. The sorrow behind his old watery eyes tells me he takes accountability for his actions, in his own way, but he has never learned how to put words to his actions or to his regrets. Again, that is no excuse for his actions, yet, I cannot call him a narcissist. He dislikes being the center of attention, and he doesn’t fit the profile.

The Narcissist- Not all narcissists are abusive. They can ultimately come across as unkind. In some cases, the narcissist will act superior, entitled, and arrogant, but they don’t mistreat others because of it. They are seen through a lens of pity, often, because they have blatant insecurities that drive them to constantly try to validate themselves, presenting as arrogance. Some people in their circles can see through the insecurities and even love the narc for who they are. Not all narcissists have the red flags of being abusive, they wave the red flags of entitlement and self-absorbed.

The abusive narcissist is a brutal monster that causes a crazy amount of toxic emotional turmoil on others. They are controlling and will find ways to win others over by love bombing, manipulation, accusations, and mental abuse. They can become physically and sexually violent in their entitlement and can cause a tremendous amount of damage to their victims. They are always right, and continually reminding their victims that they are wrong. They have to thrive off of the power and control that they suck from their victims, like vampires on a carotid artery. They NEED to be superior and in control in order to be perceived as superior, and will do what it takes to be the hero of any situation.

Narcissists take abuse to a whole new level and leave their victims like limp rag dolls, in their wake. They may be any or all types of abusive, and do so without accountability, responsibility, or apology because they are always superior and always right, no matter where their moral compass points.

Photo by Jackson Simmer on Unsplash

The Bottom Line is, Abuse is Abuse

No matter which way you slice it, or which way you look at abuse, it’s still not okay.

Narcissistic abuse, from my own personal experience, is much more difficult to recover from than blatant physical or sexual abuse. Narcs have this special skill of making their victims buy into their persona. They manipulate their way into their victim’s psyche and heart, and can find ways to trigger the people in their lives. They play their victims like puppets on a stage, pulling the strings that suit them, to feed their superiority. They also have this skill set, where if the victim calls them out, or is triggered, they can diffuse them with “soothing words” that diminish their victims’ power. It truly is a malicious, genius, callous trait. “It’s okay that you are crazy and jealous. We can get help for you.”

Narcissists can also develop, over time, a trauma bond with their victims that is purely evil, addicting, and toxic. They can trick their victims into believing that they cannot survive without the stress and criticism of the narcissist. The longer the relationship lasts, the harder it is to break that bond.

The narcissist also has the ability to discard non-believers from their lives, as they have no further value, once the bond has been broken. They are truly sick and twisted in their inner workings.

Non-narcissistic abusers can look much different, from a victim’s point of view. They can do damage, beyond doubt, but then that’s the end of it. They damage their victims and move on. Some take accountability and some don’t, but they don’t stick around to prove to you that they were right by being abusive. They don’t try and justify their treatment of others by coloring it with a rainbow brush. When their victims call them out for the abuse, they don’t make it the fault of the victim and make attempts to smooth it over by blaming their victim. These types of abusers know that there is nothing to be gained by using their attacks as further damaging weapons to their victims. That is the role of the narcissist.

In my mind, calling a narcissist an abuser or an abuser a narcissist doesn’t make anything any better. What it does do, for me, is give me a way to sort out the emotions and mistrust I have for both types of people. It offers me clarity on how I should or shouldn’t treat the abusive people in my past. It also gives me the ability to categorize my symptoms of PTSD from each of them. I don’t carry the ability to forgive the narcissist yet, because I am still healing from the emotional damage, flashbacks, and self doubt that the narcissistic abuse has created for me. I am still dealing with the resonating triggers, daily, while the wounds try to heal. Of course, he has no idea that I struggle, while he moves onto his next victim, and that is a jagged pill to swallow.

The damage caused by the abusers in my life, without the complexities of narcissism is easier to process and less damaging to my self-esteem. I can categorize being physically and sexually abused more easily because it is more black and white. Yes, there was a ton of emotional, residual damage, but the abuse was more superficial somehow.

A narcissist's damage seeps into your core, your heart, and your inner child on a much deeper, more profound level. The recovery from the type of trauma that a narc causes is like trying to heal your body from the inside out. Wounds seem to continually be gashed open again simply by hearing a phrase or smelling an odor, or by seeing a place where an abusive event took place. Somehow the injuries are much more complex. The abuse of a narcissist will cause you self doubt, ego trauma, and feelings of inferiority and insecurity, that are hard to claw back.

Both types of abuse WILL affect you and how you build relationships with others. Both types of abuse will change the course of your future path if you cannot heal from it. Both types of abuse can define you if you allow it to. Both types of abuse are wrong and painful.

But narcissistic abuse is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, a much more difficult trauma to recover from. But, you can and will.