How to Write Content in 11 Easy Steps
By: Sebastian Sd
Tags: Medium, Satire, Humor, Writing, Lists

People used to ask me, “Yo Seb, [nevermind the fact no one calls me Seb] what do you do anyway?” I would sheepishly reply “I’m a financial analyst”. You know, that purposely ambiguous term that means nothing other than obsessing over Excel spreadsheets for a profit. I would then tell them how much I hate my job, and hate my life, and hate pretty much everything. We would all have a nice laugh together and sip our drinks quietly after it all died down. I would later go home and cry myself to sleep.

N OT ANYMORE!

I am a successful writer now. Meaning, my pieces on Medium get up to several dozens of views a month. Now, while I mostly write fiction, I figured I could mansplain my secrets of success to you, seasoned writers and 15 year old bloggers alike.

Here are the eleven easy steps to write very successful content on Medium:

Write content. The mantra is JFDI — Just Fucking Do It. Google what people mean with “content”. I would do it for you, but I’m too busy writing 4 to 5 listicles a day. WRITE WRITE WRITE! Be a man. With that I mean, like, be born with a penis. And stay that way. It’s been proven that this can increase your chances of success by over 9,000%! Also, don’t like other men. Like… sexually (yikes!). And be white. In general, be white, that really goes a long way in this (or any) business. Write short bullet points. Nobody reads “Crime and Punishment” anymore. I mean, who has time to read 600 pages of whining? Now if Dostoyevsky had written “The 101 reasons why the Russian justice system sucks baaaaallzzz” he’d surely be on all sorts of Buzzfeed lists about hot 19th century writers. Add a cool picture. A good image can make or break you on Medium. So whatever you’re writing, make sure to get the sickest pic of yourself in a dope car with a confused look on your face. Now, if you’re like me, just Google a dude that looks good instead. Add a personal anecdote. This makes the read more relatable. When I was six years old, my grandpa worked in a mine and told me a crazy story about it . I don’t remember exactly what the story was, but it was pretty cool. And relatable. The moral here, be like grandpa and work in a mine, it’ll make you cool and stuff. Stay focused on the topic at hand. No one likes to read an article or essay or any story and then clearly see how the author’s mind wanders astray in a cloud of thoughts totally unrelated to the story that could have easily been edited out. Like, when my grandpa was telling me his story, for some reason he went on a tangent about how grandma had cheated on him decades ago and now was afraid my mom wasn’t really his daughter. And that, like, he had cheated on his wife in return and now had a secret family in a different city and felt so sad for not providing his real daughter the love and support he had given someone who might not even be his blood relative and was now spending time with her offspring instead of his own. At one point he broke down and started crying. He kept repeating names I didn’t know between sobs and even got in fetal position and started rocking back and forth on the floor. All this and I was like “Yo, what the fuck happened in the mine? Did I really stop watching Pokémon for this shit?” Don’t judge, I was six at the time. So yeah, don’t be like grandpa, the fumes in a mine can really fuck up your brain and stuff. Write good shit. I hear people like that. Google how to write good shit. Turns out, I’m not the only one. Avoid cliches. Everyone thinks they’re a writer nowadays, so everyone writes the same stuff. To stand out, you have to be different. You have to change the status quo. If you want to be different, change. So, go be the change you want to see in the world, and avoid using old cliches. Use the new ones instead. Always make lists that end in unsual numbers. There are way too many top five and top ten lists, so make it a different number to be ah… different and such. Also, the higher the number the more likely people will think you have more to say than the unimaginatively mediocre top ten losers.

So there you go, the more than 10 steps to have words on a page. Now be a baller and hit me with the clap below. And don’t forget to comment and subscribe if u want more DOPE content like thiiiiisss!!!1!1!!!!