That Time I Had to Shut Down Patriarchal Comments…From My Hippie Feminist Mom
By: Flannery Maney
Tags: Fear, Patriarchy, Confidence, Empowerment, Feminism

I am so sick of wading through her fears.

Let’s break them down.

She thinks I’m not qualified to start a company because I don’t have a degree. From what I’ve learned from friends and colleagues that are successful CEO’s, a degree can strip you of all of your start-up money and leave you simply with a broad education of economics. Just sayin’!

Listen, businesses are changing. I think there are so many alternative ways to learn how to succeed in business — online courses, mentorships, YouTube for God’s sake! You don’t need Harvard to succeed in business.

College, for most, is not an investment in actual growth or their future career. It’s a checked box. It shows an employer you finished something. To some employers, this does matter. But is a checked box worth $150,000? In my career, no one cares at all if or where you went to school, unless it was very specialized to filmmaking.

Finally, my decision to do something out of the norm of a traditional relationship steps, just about broke her brain.

So, what’s a millennial to do?

I started off asking her some questions.

Did you ever think about starting a business?

She surprisingly answered, yes. I thought about being a life coach.

But then her brows moved into a scowl as she explained:

The instructor told me I had to commit to finding clients, and I didn’t know how to do that — he said without clients, it’s an expensive hobby. So I never did it. I started to get freaked out.

She had a college degree — but she didn’t feel she had the skills to get the job done. My point is, even back in the 70s before computers, she needed to seek outside of traditional education to figure out how to market a start-up business. Instead of breaking away from the fold, she was defeated.

I felt bad for her. But here’s what I said:

Mom, I’ve noticed a pattern. I had to start paying attention to it, because I have overwhelming feelings of fear when I go to do a new thing — particularly in business and making my own money. I’ve been wondering why, for years, I don’t feel confident in these realms, even after having some great ideas and doing a lot of research. I think it’s because you have taught me to doubt myself, because you have also viciously doubted yourself in these ways. Have you noticed that every man in the family unabashedly has started several businesses — and although half the time they fall on their faces — they’re still supported. The men in our family don’t have to swim through doubt, discouragement, and inherited or taught fear to do…anything! I need you to listen and not respond with fear. Don’t forget that I’m a self-taught web designer and I started and ran a media company for years. I’ve produced films and pitched TV to studios and networks. When I’m confronted with something like…I don’t have the skill set, I go get that skill set. I know you’re not used to thinking outside of the box, but what if you tried? The world has transformed. I no longer live in a box, and neither should you.

She was silent for a moment, and then she told me she had incorrectly phrased what she meant. She wanted to say that she was excited about the idea, but felt I should think about a few things before I jumped in — maybe getting a certification.

But that’s not what came out of her mouth.

I know I should have stopped consulting my mom on things years ago. But we always want approval from those who are supposed to be in our corner, no matter how toxic their “support” can be.

If you’re a mentor or Mom, I urge you: Fear is the biggest threat to our success. It runs through our society like poison in a well — and tells women they’re not strong enough, good enough, or simply…enough.

I’ve had to rise above these comments my entire life, and at 27, I’m just now getting good at it. It took way too long for me to get here — but here’s the good news: I’m where I am now.

And that’s pretty beautiful because at 19 I left home and college and started doing everything on my own. It forced me to reach out to those around me, teach myself, and leave the fears behind.