Advice on How To Battle Depression and Reach Acceptance
By: Susie Antonia
Tags: Disability, Depression, Special Needs, Mental Health, Parenting

PARENTING

Advice on How To Battle Depression and Reach Acceptance

For parents of children with disabilities

Photo by Mickael Tournier on Unsplash

Realizing that your child has a special need can be disheartening.

Parents of children with disabilities experience a deep sense of sadness as they journey through the Eight Stages of Grief. They experience a sense of loss, similar to the feeling of losing someone through death. They are actually grieving the idealized child that they imagine would grow up in their home.

That idealized child is taken away from them.

Depression moves in.

When I realized my child had Borderline Personality Disorder, I went through the Eight Stages of Grief like most parents did.

It was a difficult time for me. I could not accept the fact that my giggly, sweet, diligent high-achiever would end up in the sex industry.

After all the academic awards and scholarships she had earned, after all the money I borrowed to send her to L.A. for her musical career, after all the hardship I went through as a single mom to send her to dance and singing classes, I could not accept her choice of career as a stripper.

She could have easily become a doctor, or a lawyer, or a teacher. But she chose the sex industry.

I was beside myself.

Shock, anger, frustration, self-doubt consumed me.

The child I raised died.

She was not the child I knew. Her personality changed. Her values changed. Even her looks changed.

Our close, loving relationship ended.

And I missed the child that she was. I mourned the loss of my little girl.

Depression moved in my bed. I slept with it. I woke up with it. It dragged me close to my sheets. It soaked my pillows, and it weighed heavy on my chest through the night.

There are different kinds of depression.

Major depressive disorder is when a person is depressed most of the time for most of the days. One loses interest in life, has trouble sleeping, and has trouble concentrating. Sometimes, that person experiences weight change and feels tired or agitated. Feelings of worthlessness or guilt may appear.

One kind of major depressive disorder is situational depression, which occurs when someone is having a difficult time managing a stressful event or news in one’s life. This is the type of depression that most parents of children with disabilities experience. Symptoms will eventually disappear and it is not a clinical case.

If depression continues beyond one year, it becomes persistent depression. Consult a doctor if this occurs. This happens to only those who have a predisposition to depression and not to the average parent receiving sad news.

Depression can be a positive sign.

Depression is a step or two away from acceptance, the healer. You are moving closer to the realization of your child’s disability.

This stage transforms your lack of hope to your eventual acceptance. It is not a sign of weakness or negative personality. Rather, it is the truth seeping slowly into your reality.

After the unhinging shock, after the blind denial of my child’s disability, after the shrieks of anger, depression moves in as a sign of surrender.

Surrender is needed to accept your child as she is.

When parents come to me, drained of energy, I can read the signs of surrender. They have exhausted all means of denial, all ways to find other possible diagnoses, all forms of expressions of frustration and anger.

They are sad, but they are close to acceptance.

I remember relating the highly emotional incidences of my student to his mother. Tears streamed down her cheeks. She was beginning to realize that these emotional outbursts were not just misplaced emotions, rather signs of a child with special needs.

Depression is a painful stage, yet a necessary and positive phase.

How to turn depression into a positive part of your journey of healing.

1. Seek social support. Talk to your friend, your husband, or someone in your community (like a church group) that is willing to listen. Say that you are not looking for answers. That is for professionals to provide. What you simply want is someone to empathize and understand how you feel.

2. Indulge in distractions. Treat yourself to a movie. Go for long, peaceful walks. Hang out with friends. Or immerse in a good book.

3. Utilize Talk Therapy.

This may involve a counsellor or a professional who can introduce you to cognitive behavioural therapy that will change your thought patterns into a more accepting and positive disposition.

Psychodynamic psychotherapy may help you understand how your behaviour or moods are affected by unresolved issues and unconscious feelings.

Interpersonal therapy will help you see how relationships — especially with your child and spouse — affect your mood.

4. Exercise. This is a potent mood-changer. If you can choose only one solution, choose this. Exercise releases endorphins that are responsible for regulating your mood. It will make you sleep better, give you more energy, and release the stress of the challenges in raising a child with special needs. Endorphins also affect your outlook in life, and can result in higher self-esteem.

Choose moderate exercise, preferably one that is repetitive, like swimming and walking. I used to swim laps as a form of meditation to release my stress and drown out the sound of my busy mind.

Exercise 20–30 minutes of enjoyable activity 4 -5 days a week is sufficient.

5. Treat yourself on a date. Go alone so you can immerse in the senses as you walk, peruse, observe your environment. Julia Cameron mentions this in her book, The Artist’s Way, as a form of easing your mind and churning creativity.

6. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time to heal. Forgive yourself. Congratulate yourself for reaching this stage of grief for it means that you are accepting the truth of your child’s condition, and that you have the courage to face it.

7. Believe that your child is a blessing, no matter who or how s/he is. Remember the joy s/he brings to you. Remember that s/he is a gift to you.

In order to cope with the realization of having a child with special needs, you will need to course through the Eight Stages of Grief. Depression is a necessary path to find healing.

I have travelled the same path you are on today. And these 7 ways have helped me glide through depression, and I have emerged as an empowered parent.