I wonder if the water in my dreams relates to something less concrete in real life.
By: Celeste Bohan
Tags: Memoir, College, Dreams, Interpretation

Dreams come to us as a way for the brain to work through issues it’s otherwise unable to understand or deal with in waking life. For the purposes of this essay, I am considering nightmares in the same way I do recurring dreams, as I find the line between recurring dream and nightmare to be blurred. Dreams are present whether or not remembered (except in instances of sleep issues where the mind does not reach REM). Dreams use images, ideas, characters, feelings, etc. that already exist in the brain and bring them to the forefront of the mind. They can feel incredibly realistic, more so than a typical dream, as they utilize familiarity to deceive the mind into thinking the scenario is real. For the past few years I have been consumed by strange, stressful and unsettling dreams (and nightmares) that have seemed to be too real to be images my brain created while sleeping.

In my own experience, my recurring dreams are dominated by an underlying sense of anxiety that is ever present while I’m awake. Whether it be that I can’t seem to get to a place (school, home) on time, that I cannot stop crying and it affects what I am able to do (graduate, be alone), that I forget important information (lines in a play, work to complete) or straightforward fears (the coronavirus, scaly things). My dreams are plagued by my anxieties, some of which are no longer relevant to my life, and others I have yet to be able to interpret and contextualize in my waking life. It is also my recurring dreams that I am most frequently able to turn lucid, as my emotions are pushed to the point that it becomes unbearable to remain in that situation. I find that the only option for escape at that point is to push myself out where I usually emerge confused and anxious, but awake.

a journal of my dreams (and interpretations) as of 5/5/2020

03/05

So I’m trying to get to the uc but it’s pouring rain out and for some reason my dad is there and I usually leave 20 minutes before class but I can’t figure out when 20 minutes before my class is and I think it’s 20 but it might be 10 and I’m trying to get in via the service and truck entrance so I sneak in and once I’m in I can’t find an elevator and I need to print something for class and the inside of the building is like the Etsy headquarters and there’s escalators and shaggy pink rugs and I can’t get to seminar but I finally find and elevator that takes me to the 13th street building and then I’m so frustrated with needing to get to class and being terrified of being late that I say to myself this is a dream and I wake up to my roommate being annoying as fuck (5 hours of sleep)

I think this one is pretty clearly an anxiety dream; about what I am uncertain. The rain feels like a loss of control since the weather is out of my hands and my dad being there likely relates to how badly I wanted to be home at this time. Having to sneak in and not be able to get to where I needed to go seems like a manifestation of how out of place and unworthy I sometimes feel at Parsons. Like I’m not supposed to be here. I don’t think that fear is one that will escape me anytime soon. I also think roommates are exponentially more annoying when you have no relationship with them. You really only know them for their habits that drive you crazy. I’m sure my roommate is a perfectly nice person. I wonder what will happen if we ever see each other after this semester. Do I just pretend like I didn’t sleep a few feet away from this person for an extended period of time? Probably.

03/07

More karaoke

I went to a karaoke bar the night before this dream. I actively dislike (am absolutely terrified of) singing and a karaoke bar is not where I would ideally be spending my time. Also I had a panic attack right before we went. And they sprayed down the room with lysol right before we went in. I’m not positive but now knowing how bad the virus got, that room was probably the opposite of clean.

03/08

On a boat in Australia trying to do work. There was a building covered with Lisa frank dolphins on screens. Kept dropping my laptop, it got wet and dented but still functional. I think there was also more karaoke. Woke up in the midst of a panic attack. I’m so excited to not be in this city

This one kind of continues that fear from my first recorded dream of not being able to do what I need or am supposed to do. Wet and dented but still functional seems like a metaphor for my work. Kinda messed up but still doing its job I guess.

3/09

Exam anxiety (5 hours of sleep)

I haven’t had to take a test in so long. It doesn’t surprise me that I dreamt of the exam. When I have anxiety dreams I wonder if I was actually sleeping or my mind was telling me it was asleep but really it was fully awake just freaking out.

3/10

Dreamt I failed my midterm in a classroom in my high school (5hours of sleep)

I think I worried about failure most in high school. Not that it left when I got to college, but now at least I’m doing things and making things I like so to an extent other people’s opinions matter less. I can’t say the same for every time I turned in a paper in high school.

3/11

Dreamt I got a new roommate. My entire family showed up outside my room. I couldn’t find my parents, went running around the city looking for popcorn, returned to a mansion where I guess I had prom wrapped in a blanket with my suitemate, got lost in a mansion and couldn’t get out but we kept looking for the door. When we finally found it these old women gave us fans and grandma cookies and sent us on our way. There was some improv… from my home… in what seemed to be a digital class… wonder where that came from. Woke up anxious (8 hours)

It’s funny to me how often my roommate is in my dreams considering how little I know about her. Like it’s embarrassing how little I know about her. I wonder if I haunt her dreams with things I did that annoyed her. I’m starting to think my family stresses me out. Or at least that I don’t want to disappoint them. Maybe the mansion is a far fetched idea of life? I think me and Vanessa have that in common… we’re kinda lost when it comes to life plans after (and in) college. I used to do improv all the time in middle school theater. Maybe that’s why I hate it now. It reminds me too much of a time I’d rather not remember.

3/12

Was in my high school waiting for Tom Hanks to come out of the elevator so I could say hello and comfort him because of his coronavirus.

I don’t know why Tom Hanks is the person I was most worried about when it comes to coronavirus. There are so many other people that need comforting.

3/13

Dreamt that I was hanging out with 1. Someone I used to like and 2. Someone who has only ever been mean to me and I let 2 borrow my cup/saucer and they used my tea without asking and then took my cup and no one thought it was weird/would help me get it back. Also I dreamt I was an extra on Jeopardy.

This is the first dream that I left out people’s names when recording it. I guess I’m just scared of them seeing this. I shouldn’t care anymore but I do. Also, I cannot express the extent to which I want/need to be an extra on Jeopardy.

I’ve been sleeping a lot but am too depressed to work on this for class so I’ve lost many dreams.

Needed to take the subway to class but it was different on the way there than the way back and my phone was dying. Also I had a class in the basement of my high school where we were supposed to guess each other’s dreams for alcoholic prizes. My art history class was on the 13th floor and I couldn’t get there using the spiral staircase but like I got there and it was on the roof

Still can’t get to where I need to be at Parsons. Feels weird considering how fulfilled I feel there when I’m awake. Maybe it’s less about me feeling like I’m not enough and more about worries of what other people think.

4/3

Walking from Parsons to my dorm singing Me and My Dog by Boygenius in the rain and for some reason went down an alley to get ice cream which took forever and I was in close quarters which felt weird because social distancing

The day before I left for college my dad took my dog to be boarded so they could come to New York with me early the next morning to move me in. After I said goodbye to her I laid on my bedroom floor surrounded by stuff I still had to pack, played that song and sobbed uncontrollably. I couldn’t listen to it again for a while or else I would do it again. I so badly didn’t want to go. I’m glad I did though.

Started hanging out with former friends again and it was good but I could feel the impending end

I still can’t write their names. I wish I didn’t let them make me feel as terrible as they do. I also wish they didn’t live in Cleveland. They were the closest thing I had to home in New York. I think that’s why I haven’t shut them out completely. And why I’m scared I’ll put myself back in that place like in this dream. And pretend like nothing ever happened.

4/4

Couldn’t stop crying for my high school graduation

I’m not sure what the crying is all about. I don’t really cry that much while I’m awake. I feel like I cry a normal amount. I didn’t even cry when I graduated. Definitely thought I would but I didn’t. Maybe it’s related to the rain and a lack of control. A lack of control over my emotions? I might need someone else to tell me what that’s all about.

4/5

Was trying to get to ballet class and was worrying about coming back to ballet after so many months away (7 hours)

Ballet stressed me out. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss it.

At some point

Dreamt that I was participating in a hunger games like event at my high school in order for them to evaluate how much we were worth as assets

I wouldn’t say my high school was competitive. It wasn’t not competitive though. I’m pretty sure I didn’t make it to the end in the dream. In real life, my school was pretty supportive of my art school pursuits.

4/11

Went to Marc’s to get food (a cake, milk for cake, jelly beans and bananas) and for some reason it was like $60 and I looked at the receipt and it had nothing I bought on it and then they re did it and it was $40. Then I went back home and my parents were going to a costume event but I didn’t want them to leave and asked if I could come but couldn’t really hear the answer so I assumed no and I couldn’t stop crying because I was so desperately lonely. Oh and my roommate was taking up all our kitchen space which was my home kitchen but I still had my room at home without her

Maybe that’s just about nyc. And not getting what I expected. And that I don’t like being alone. Although I do, just not all the time.

4/12

I was going to a soccer game and the security guard was like yeah I probably have the virus. And then I got into the stadium and there was a buffet of fast casual restaurant bread but they were out of olive garden breadsticks which was incredibly disappointing.

Really not into soccer but really scared about the virus (and really into bread).

There was a Laurel play in my garage and I didn’t know my lines but I had a big part and it felt very Macbeth Esque. It was dark but lots of fairy lights outside

Laurel theater was a lot for me. I thought about quitting every year. I’m glad I didn’t, it was worth it in the end. The anxiety dreams about plays though, not sure they’re worth it.

4/19

Had a fit over a salad but my parents were audio zooming the family without me knowing and everyone on the call kinda heard me and I got sad and kept trying to cry and couldn’t slam the door hard enough

I care a lot about what my family thinks of me. I’m starting to think I repress my anger into sadness. Salad does not bring me joy.

I was going to an ice cream store but my nose wouldn’t stop running and it kept getting worse and I was like oops I have the virus

The virus plagues my thoughts. I wish I could actually go to an ice cream store.

4/21

went to my high school’s graduation for the class below me, it was in our gym where it doesn’t usually take place and it was weird. I felt bad for the class because their graduation was different and messed up. I was trying really hard not to cry. I was around people from my class but I didn’t know them very well so I just avoided talking or interacting with the event. Then I met my family outside and it was raining and we walked down our street to our home which isn’t anywhere near my highschool. It took forever to get there and even though it was downhill it felt like it was uphill

I feel bad for the class below me even though I only know a few of them well. I thought coming home would be easy. It was not.

4/22

couldn’t stop falling asleep on a bus ride to an airport? I ended up jumping out of an airplane and landed on a floating football field for people who wanted to travel short distances. The football field landed in Cleveland. And Fiona Apple was up for a Tony for her new album because of its characters.

I frequently fall asleep when I don’t want to. I wish that football field actually existed so I could come home more often. I adore Fiona Apple and her new album.

4/27&28

I haven’t remembered my dreams for like 2 nights in a row… uh oh… maybe i’m just sleeping well? seems unlikely. but I woke up this morning without any sort of understanding of what day it was like it felt like it was some other day not currently in the calendar system (4/27) still haven’t been dreaming, thought I dreamt a panic attack but then woke up to realize it was real. Still didn’t know what day it was when I woke up.

After I stop writing about my dreams I’m probably going to want them to stop again. I feel like I don’t sleep when I dream. Maybe I’ll just have to continue this so I learn to appreciate them more.

4/29

The dreams are back. I was on this island complex where like there was a mound of dirt that was specific to everyone’s skills and there were 2 people per dirt mound and I don’t think I was supposed to be there because I kept running around avoiding people.

I really don’t think I should be allowed to be at Parsons do I? I do run around Parsons avoiding (some) people though.

It was raining and I was walking up the hill to my house with a bunch of people either from my dorm or my high school carrying corn plants. On the walk home I saw my advisor from high school who I was very close with and she asked about how I was dealing with all this and I couldn’t respond or else I would start crying and I didn’t want to seem sad. When I finally got to the hill my street is on I couldn’t run fast enough but I finally got to my house which didn’t have my family in it just girls in their late teens and I was making sure everyone had a key and someone had 2 master keys so I wanted to keep one in the house for emergencies so I was trying to get one of the keys off a keychain and it wasn’t coming off.

I tried really hard to not show how sad and homesick I was first semester when I was home . I would usually be holding back tears by the end of my weekly call with my parents because I didn’t want them to see me upset. because generally I was fine. But sometimes, I really wasn’t. And sometimes, I just really needed to cry about it.

Also at some point I don’t think in either of those dreams I was walking on hostas that were slowly sinking into water. I don’t know where I was going, I just remember walking on the plants in water barefoot.

It seems like I don’t know where I’m going in life. I kinda do. Who knows where I’ll be if/when I graduate.

4/29

I dreamt that things got better in nyc so my mom wanted me to go back for the last week of classes and I was going to leave on Sunday. I didn’t really want to go back because I was ready to end the semester online and being in person for a week would make it much more difficult to leave. When I got there my hall director was like yeah no you can’t stay here we’re closed until winter (hopefully that’s not true).

I keep wishing I could’ve gone back for the rest of the semester. But I don’t really know how I would have reacted if I could have. I would have probably cried out of fear like I do every time I leave home. And then cried when I packed up my room and said goodbye to my friends. If things were normal I would have been the last person to move out of my room. I was dreading the night where I would have to sleep alone in the empty unit. For how small it is, it can feel really lonely.

I was also in the uc cafeteria but I couldn’t find anything I wanted and every time I went back to look for something everything changed.

When I come back to The New School everything will be different. Maybe that’s a good thing.

I was running through a house trying to get out and escape to what seemed like an airport arrivals area where my dad picked me up.

(8 hours)

I usually take a flight home that gets me there around midnight, and my dad always picks me up. When I escaped the city in March he rescued me from the airport. That trip was one of the scariest and strangest I’ve ever been on. Being home was such a relief.

4/30

I don’t really remember my dreams but I remember in one of them feeling like I really wasn’t supposed to be where I was

I didn’t even realize I worried this much about being somewhere I wasn’t supposed to until I read all these dreams together. I think it’s less of me feeling I’m in the wrong place and more feeling like I don’t deserve to be in the place I am.

5/1

I was riding a bike and ended up hanging off a cliff talking to someone I knew in high school but eventually climbed down like opposite rock climbing

I used to be terrified of rock climbing. I’m not anymore. Wish I could do it now.

5/2

Was learning a piece at the tech rehearsal for the ballet company I used to dance with but I couldn’t remember the choreography

I’ve been sore like I was when I did ballet. I wonder what would happen if I went back.

I was in my grandparents house in their guest bedroom watching planes fly overhead

I did this when I was little and stayed with my grandparents when my parents went on work related trips. One time they left and I got lice and was sent home on the first day of school. I was really sad.

If I’m remembering correctly my best friends were in a dream I just don’t remember what it was about.

I was just thinking about how it’s strange I don’t remember them being in my dreams and wondering if they’re in them at all.

5/3

I was a camp counselor for the camp I went to when I was younger and we went to a water park but every time I went underwater I felt like I was drowning and it was really hard to get back to the surface and I just decided I needed to get used to swimming again. And then I had to put my clothes over my wet swimsuit which was a terrible feeling

Going underwater used to scare me. It doesn’t anymore but the thought drowning terrifies me. I wonder if the underwater in this dream relates to something less concrete in real life. Or if I’m just reading too far into my dreams.

I was going somewhere on the subway and needed to wear a mask and it felt really important but I couldn’t breathe with the mask on and it kept disappearing from my face and I was in a coffee shop and an employee asked me to wear a mask to protect them and I felt really guilty for not wearing it.

I want to protect others right now. But I fear my presence puts them at risk.

5/4

I was in my bathroom dying my hair purple and it was getting everywhere on my face and in the room and my mom knocked on the door. I don’t remember what happened next

I used to dye the ends of my hair purple. It never really turned out how I wanted it to.

5/5

I was at my high school graduation and was standing in a circle with my class and then we were done and I was sobbing and saying goodbye and saying goodbye to my friends hurt the worst but no one else was crying and then I went to go find my parents but I ran into my extended family first and I did everything I could to avoid them because I didn’t want them to see me upset

I usually get embarrassed when I cry. I don’t want people to worry about me. I’ve been thinking a lot about endings recently. I get sentimental. The end of my first year of college feels bigger than the end of the thirteen years I spent at my school in Cleveland. This was the longest and shortest year of my life. The day I moved into my dorm feels like years ago. Almost like it never happened. I was so scared of being terrible. Failing. My mom asked me if this fall I’ll be as anxious about everything like I was last fall. Probably.

Corrections:

Explanations for dreaming are less concrete than the brain working through issues it’s otherwise unable to deal with. It is likely that dreams are influenced by waking life but there are other factors such as memories, emotions, and stimuli.

Most, but not all figures in dreams are recognizable to the dreamer, meaning, not everything in the content of dreams has already existed in the brain.

I left out some dreams, for varying reasons.

A lot of times it is unclear to me whether a dream actually happened, happened during the night I thought it did, or happened within the context I remember. This also happens with memories of waking life, where I am unable to discern whether or not something already happened in real life or in a dream. It feels like déjà vu. For that reason, I cannot guarantee all recorded dreams were accurately recorded when it comes to sequence, context or content.