Reflections From the Dumpster Fire
By: Peter Ash
Tags: Self-awareness, Self Improvement, New Years Resolutions, Reflections, 2020

Systemic Racism is Real and We All Have An Obligation to Fight It

Let's start with what I hope is a continued awareness of privilege and systemic racism in Western society and a universal effort to change. In May this year, it became abundantly clear that being Black or Indigenous in our society brings with it challenges that I as a white person cannot even begin to fully appreciate. This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone, People of Colour have been telling us all this for decades, but there seemed to be much more awareness and discussion in mainstream media than ever before.

There is systemic racism in the structures and institutions of our country (Yes, in Canada!), in policing of course, but throughout our institutions. Working in health care, the story of Joyce Echaquan, a 37-year-old Indigenous woman who died because of racism in a Quebec hospital was disgusting in the worst sense but also really hit me, and was a wake-up call for me about how systemic racism is everywhere, even in our cherished institutions like health care.

I was always aware this existed on some superficial level that escaped my daily thoughts but the events of 2020 forced me to dig deeper in myself, read more, and listen to the experiences of others in ways I had never had to before. I want to continue to listen and learn and do my best to lift up those who need it in whatever opportunity I may have to do so.

Let’s all commit to keeping this going in 2021 and beyond. We need to listen to the experience of BIPOC, learn about our history, take action in our everyday lives to change things for the better, and create space for these voices in whatever capacity we have.

Perspective Is Important

That leads to my next take away from 2020. Perspective is always important. Some of my lowest points of the year were in the Spring when the Black Lives Matter movement was mobilizing as a response to the tragic murder of George Floyd by police. As I mentioned, these events forced me to think deeply about who I am and recognizing what privilege I have in this world. This is a conscious reflection I had to go through as it wasn’t something I often think about.

This process helped me put my challenges in perspective. Compared to so many others, I have so many opportunities. Pulling back from your own issues is a way to help give you a better understanding of the situation you’re in relative to others, and how you can help navigate what’s before you, as well as hopefully help others.

This is not to say that my or your challenges aren’t real. They are. Our mental health is so important. Anxiety and depression can be debilitating. But I found that having a better understanding of my privilege had given me a perspective that helped me plot a way back. Knowing I was struggling and that was valid, I saw that I had other things to look forward to in life, and there were things I could offer this world, like using privilege to help in whatever way I could in my life. This is a purpose that helped things seem a bit less bleak.

The practice of reflecting on your situation by stepping back and thinking objectively can help you see some purpose and meaning in your situation and can help you feel less alone. It can also help you separate some less important or frivolous concerns from the more serious ones (like mental health).

Human Relationships are Crucial and Holy Crap Do I Miss Them

2020 has been a time of isolation. Having to stay away from our friends and families for extended periods of time has been hard on all of us. This has highlighted for me how much relationships mean and what a crucial role they play in our lives.

It’s also given me a new perspective on who we create space for in our lives. With limited ability to see people, and few social activities, all my interactions became so much more purposeful. It solidified for me how important those core people are to me, and how little performative relationships or displays actually mean.

And now with the cold weather here, there are fewer chances to see people, which is starting to have an impact on me. Winter walks will have to suffice for the next few months as my social outlet, with the side effect being those times together will be even more purposeful and hopefully meaningful.

Mental Health is Not Linear

I can only speak for myself but I suspect I’m not alone in this. This year was an emotional rollercoaster. One day I’d be fine, the next break down crying, then happy by the weekend.

I have invested a lot into managing my mental health over the past decade, and for the most part, I have things like anxiety and depression under control, all while realizing that these are vulnerabilities for me and I have to stay on top of them.

This year in so many ways pushed on those vulnerabilities, and at times they broke. In a logical sense, I knew that was likely to happen given the circumstances. But on some level, I viewed it as a failure. Maybe I wasn’t so together as I thought I had worked so hard to be. Maybe I was weak after all.

I had this view of myself like I was in this state of sustained management of my mental health, I mean I’ve written about it like I know what I’m talking about! But when things started to feel really out of control earlier this year, it put that all into question for me.

Instead, I’ve realized that mental health is not linear. It’s not a direct line from being depressed or anxious to being happy or fine. It fluctuates. It always has, but the stressors of 2020 made this fluctuation much more frequent and extreme. Understanding this can help us navigate our mental health and feel more in control, and able to adapt.

The Self Care Industry Is Bullshit but Self Care is important

With mental health, it’s important to take care of yourself in many ways. And of course, in 2020 more than any other year there is so much talk about Self-Care. It’s a term I used to kind of cringe at. When I hear it I picture Gweneth Paltrow, and crystals and people making billions from others in a vulnerable state, potentially doing harm (seriously, Goop is fucked) Also hippies. I think of hippies, and I don’t like hippies.

But this year I really learned how much I need “self-care”. Not in the crystals and incense way, but in a way to manage my mental health and recharge to keep going in the insanity that was sure to come my way next.

Work has been stressful. In fact, writing this on December 19th I’m absolutely burning out, with the week and a half I have booked off in a few days being the only thing getting me through. My personal life has been stressful with more than the usual strains on relationships. All this impacted my mental health (See above), and my ability to function effectively in all aspects of life.

I’ve always enjoyed doing a face mask or having a nice bath after a long bike ride or exercise, but I needed more than that this year. I needed to truly “Check Out” of everything. Like not check work emails on the weekend, not look at Instagram for a night (harder than it should be), not talk to anyone or respond to a text right away.

But more importantly, I needed to allow myself to do that. Unplugging is hard for most of us, and I’m no exception. Being ok about not being fully connected, and maybe missing out on something (although one of the few benefits of 2020 has been almost no FOMO), and feeling like I’m not doing anything productive and that's just fine.

Creating space for my feelings, whatever they are, and reflecting on things that are happening around me also helped me a great deal. This space and allowance is something that I hope we can all take forward with us in our post COVID lives.

The Lessons I learned Before have helped me

At the end of 2019, I wrote about what I had learned in the past decade. This reflection was just a few months before everything turned upset down, and thankfully it was still on my mind. In so many ways I struggled this year, but it was much easier to deal with and find my way out with those learnings. Specifically, vulnerability is an ongoing theme that resonates with me and helped me navigate and seek help when I needed it. The other key theme was something I was just starting to explore — being ok with not having control. Little did I know that control would be taken away in so many ways for all of us.

This just all reinforced how important is it to reflect and keep learning and growing. What you learn now will help you in the future, whatever the future happens to bring you.

Life is a Mystery and We All Have No Control

My final takeaway is that anything can happen in our individual or collective lives and we really have no control over any of it. Seriously, this year showed us all that our daily lives can change dramatically and there is nothing we can do about it.

What we can do though is accept the things we can’t control. Stop wasting energy wishing things were different when they just can’t be. Instead, focus on yourself and how you respond to the situation before you. Focus on the things you can change in your life. Understand what your values are, what's most important to you, and stop caring about everything else. Create space for self-care and those that matter to you. Because really, that’s all we can do.

I wish you, me, and all of us a much better 2021.