What is Asexuality?
Tags: Books, Relationships, Self, Sexuality, Sex

NEO.LIFE: How did you figure out you were ace?

Angela Chen: I came across the definition of asexuality in my teens. But I thought I was a straight woman, essentially because I wasn’t sex-repulsed. I hadn’t had sex yet but I expected that I would one day, and I would enjoy it “just like everyone else.” In my early 20s I was in my first relationship. That became the impetus for me to realize I was ace, not because of anything to do with actually having sex, but because there were all of these issues around [my partner] seeing the world and sexuality differently than I did. I had never understood or experienced sexual attraction the way allo people do, so when he said things like, “Everyone is always sexually attracted to everyone else all the time,” I imagined what I felt toward him, which … wasn’t sexual attraction: It was love that maybe could be expressed sexually, but it wasn’t just physical attraction. So I was imagining him experiencing [love] toward everyone, and it made me so jealous and threatened.

Once I realized those were very different things, I started asking myself: What is attraction? How is it that I could be in my early 20s and not celibate and not understand what attraction is? And how could all of us think about attraction and romance and desire differently? Why do we always put them together when they don’t have to be together, and what could be gained from separating them?

NL: What do we gain from separating attraction into categories like sexual, romantic, and platonic attraction?

AC: It gives you a better idea of exactly what you want. It gives us more options to think creatively about how we can get the things we want. For example, I think most people think that if you want a romantic relationship, that means you have to have a sexual relationship — but what if that weren’t true? What if there were other ways of living and other ways of being? I recently interviewed someone who is ace and is in a three-parent family with two other parents. I think most people think that if you’re going to have a kid, then you need one romantic partner. But what if we separated childcare from romance from sexuality? What other configurations could be possible?

Asexuality destabilizes the border between romantic and platonic attraction, because many aces are sex-repulsed but still feel romantic attraction. My allo friends are like, “This makes so much sense: In college I had this friend, and I felt like I was in love with them in this very romantic way — but then I thought maybe it wasn’t romantic because I wasn’t sexually attracted to them.” Once you start breaking down these feelings that were kind of confusing or ineffable, a lot of patterns become more legible.

NL: Have you thought about platonic relationships more during the pandemic? I feel like I miss my friends so badly right now, and they’re on my mind all the time.

AC: I think I have. Often we just lean on our significant other, if we have one, to provide all of the social and emotional benefits. Then once the pandemic happens you realize, “Oh, that was never feasible.”

I’m not aromantic, but a lot of aromantic aces talk about how much we need to reconsider what’s important in our lives and the roles that our friends play. Why is it that we always privilege our romantic relationships? Why does it seem so normal to move for our romantic partner but it doesn’t seem normal to make life changes for “just a friend”? Why is it that community and friendships are not often prioritized in the same way? Is the feeling different, or is it because there are different social norms?

I talk about how important it is to believe in the importance of our friends, but I fall into this trap, too. Currently I’m in a bit of a fight with a friend, and I caught myself thinking the other day that if she and I were in a romantic relationship, there’s no way I would have let this fight go on for as long as it has. I would have brought it up to her much earlier and talked it through, and instead I’m kind of being a coward, and we’re both avoiding each other.

Being ghosted by a friend can be just as painful as being ghosted by someone you were dating, but we don’t have the language to talk about it in the same way.

NL: Yeah, we don’t have models for having fights with friends the way we have fights with romantic partners. Instead of making up, we just let things drift away.

AC: It just can be so uncomfortable to be the one to have to break the social norm. Being ghosted by a friend can be just as painful as being ghosted by someone you were dating, but we don’t have the language to talk about it in the same way. And none of us wants to be the person to care too much. Of course I love my friends, but I don’t want to feel like I’m putting in all the work and they’re not putting in the work. I think there’s just so much self-consciousness about taking some things more seriously, and I think that there’s a lot of vulnerability in there, too.

NL: In January, the city of Somerville, Massachusetts began recognizing domestic partnerships that don’t require a romantic relationship and aren’t limited to two people. What are the benefits of this kind of legal structure?

AC: For me I would flip this around: Why should it only be limited to people that you’re romantically attracted to? That implies that the care you have for the people you’re romantically attracted to is always more important than the love that you’d have for a sibling or even just a friend. Why is it that these other forms of devotion are not valued as much? Why should I be banned from sharing health insurance with someone who is just as important to me? I think it is good to have benefits where you can provide for those that you care about. They shouldn’t only be limited to a very specific kind of caring.

NL: In the book you write about how asexuality doesn’t need to be a rigidly defined or permanent identity — you say that it has “porous borders.” Why do you think that the ace community is fluid like that? domestic partnerships that don’t require a romantic relationship and aren’t limited to two people. What are the benefits of this kind of legal structure?

AC: I think that people don’t talk about sexual fluidity enough. If you think you’re a lesbian for most of your life and you start being attracted to men, that shouldn’t mean that you were a fake lesbian. People think about “phases” as this kind of derogatory term, like you were never the real deal, but I think most people go through different phases in terms of personality and in terms of exploration, and I don’t think that needs to be denigrated.

With asexuality, because it’s so challenged still, because people still love to say, “You’re not ace — you’re just shy, or you’re just not old enough, or you haven’t met the right person.” I think maybe that has affected the ace community. It’s OK if you’re part of the community and one day you realize that you did meet the right person. It’s fine — go on and just be happy, and we were glad to have you here! And I think that’s a lovely way of looking at the community. I like the idea of ace-ness as a tool, a set of frameworks, a set of concepts, and you can apply them when they’re useful, instead of it being an obligation.