Your Bodies Biggest Sex Organ Is Your Brain.
Tags: Brain, Sex, Empowerment, Sex Education, Sexuality

“We know that the biggest sexual organ is the brain, and that sex straddles the physical, psychological and physiological; and so the impact of our thoughts and feelings can absolutely change our sexual experiences,” — Kate Moyle, psychosexual and relationships therapist.

Earlier this week I was reading an article by sexologist Gigi Engle. In her scholarship, she touched on something I’ve been trying to communicate for months but had been struggling to put into the right words. Our brains can make or break sex. When people experience blocks in their sex life, chances are these have to do with our mind as opposed to our lover(s) or our bodies.

Now, if someone has a medical condition that is posing problems during sex, I’m not suggesting that some “positive thinking” will cure you. There are valid, medical reasons why sex can be a challenge. I’m also not suggesting that toxic positivity is the answer. It isn’t, and if you are in a situation that makes you feel unsafe, undervalued, or taken advantage of these are great reasons to leave.

What I do find, as a sex scholar and a sexual person, is how certain sex blocks can be overcome when we learn how to use our brains intentionally.

First, let’s talk about these sex blocks

We all worry about how our bodies look naked. In addition, Some of us worry about maintaining an erection or if their erection is big enough. Others worry about getting wet and staying wet. If someone is intersex, which is just as common as being born a redhead, there is the added stress of being different. Basically, regardless of your gender, we all struggle with the fear that our body will render us unworthy of love.

On top of these very justifiable fears, we have our lives to think about. If our bodies and how they function isn’t causing distress, then it can easily be another external factor. Perhaps you just had a fight with your mother. Maybe you’re worried about your career. Only too often does [insert life-stressor here] interrupt the heat of the moment.

On top of body image and life, many of us feel guilt or shame while being sexual. This can be because you're a sexual assault survivor. It can be from slut-shaming or religious backgrounds. Like the stress we undergo from living our daily life, the shame we experience about sex is complicated and diverse.

Very rarely, do we consider that these sexual problems can be overcome by learning how to use our brain as a sexual organ.

If we start training our brain to intentionally receive pleasure, chances are our body will be receptive as well. By relying on the patterns that our brain already uses, we can actually improve our sex lives.

3 Ways To Intentionally Use Your Brain During Sex

Often when we are experiencing pleasure our brain is simply reacting. No one is driving the car, and sometimes, this is just fine. But when we start to hit roadblocks, its important to know that you can take the wheel when needed to steer your brain back on course.

The simplest way to do this is to train your brain to respond to pleasure with intention. This practice takes time, but the results can be very empowering.

1. Schedule Sex

We schedule all types of fun activities. Would you invite a bunch of friends to a picnic without planning it first?

It’s a common misconception that scheduling sex takes all the fun out of the experience. But when we are participating in any other type of pleasure, we prepare for it so that we can (ideally) not stress out and experience the moment fully.

Sex does not need to be spontaneous in order to be fulfilling. It’s wonderful to schedule sex, especially if you are planning to experiment. Moreover, scheduling and preparing for sex gets lovers in the practice of communicating about sex. Which is vital if you want a satisfying sex life.

Lastly, scheduling sex invites you to fantasize and anticipate the sex you will have. Which further trains your brain to react positively to pleasure.

“By literally scheduling sex into your calendar, you can physically and emotionally prepare for it. It gives you something to look forward to. You may like the anticipation and feeling of being prioritized. You can fantasize about your time together, enhancing your desire.” — HealthyWomen.org

Scheduling is a great way to intentionally use your brain before, during, and after sex.

2. Prioritize Solo-Masturbation

We learn about sex with others by having sex with ourselves. Psychologically, something slightly different happens during masturbation as opposed to sex with another person.

We have a committed intention. Often, the unconscious goal of masturbation is to feel good, let off some steam, and orgasm.

I’d suggest that a more empowering goal is to experience pleasure, as not everyone will orgasm all of the time. Experts agree that having an orgasm be the goal in sexual situations produces anxiety and stage fright. Which ultimately inspires the body to shut down.

When you masturbate, notice how your brain is committed to focusing on this moment of pleasure. Notice what you fantasize about in order to enter into this committed state.

Then, during coupled sex, if you feel your body disassociating, try to channel your psychological turn-ons. Taking a moment to channel your desires will reconnect you to your sexuality. Thus allowing sex to proceed in a pleasurable fashion.

Now, there are some important details to remember here. First, if you do not want to have sex or you want to stop sex, you have every right to do so. Second, Fantasizing during partnered sex does not mean that you don't love your partner. It also doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t turn you on. Additionally, you are not required to divulge every fantasy you have to someone else and I wouldn’t suggest expecting your partner to act out all your fantasies either.

Just like one person can’t fulfill all your social needs. One lover can’t embody all your turn-ons. That’s why our brains are such a powerful sex organ because our brains can stimulate us eight ways to Sunday.

Try using solo-masturbation to discover what commits your brain to its desires. Then tap into this knowledge during partnered sex if you need or want to. Remember, this practice is a resource at your disposal. It is not mandatory and should only be used if you want to use it.

3. Practice Talking About Sex

It’s uncomfortable to talk about sex because we do not practice how to do it. So, practice.

Talk about sex with a lover in a non-sexual situation. Bring up sex with friends who you feel safe with. You don’t need to be in a relationship to practice empowered sexual communication.

While it’s always important to talk to my lover about sex I also enjoy asking my friends what they like in bed. In fact, I think it’s important to do both because you get more practice communicating your needs. When I talk about sex I become more succinct about my desires and am able to practice being open to another person’s sexual needs.

Both are imperative when it comes to talking about sex.

4. Find Influencers With Your Body Type

Representation is important. Seeing someone thrive who shares our imperfections changes how we understand what’s possible for our reality. Everyone’s relationship with their body is different, yet everyone’s relationship with their body is a struggle.

What has helped me interrupt insecure thoughts about my body during sex is locating sex-positive influencers who inspire me.

I recommend finding one or two influential, relatable humans that you genuinely look up to.

When I notice thoughts about my body or unworthiness rear their head during sex, I ask myself this question: What would [insert influencer here] do?

I found that when I asked this question I was immediately separated from my insecurity. Instead, I walked for a moment in another person’s shoes. And not just any person, but someone who I believed in and respected. Allowing me to understand that there are two stories I could beleive in. The one where I am unattractive or the one where I’m desired. Again, it’s about using your brain as a sexual organ to focus on what empowers you in the bedroom.

You are worthy of love and pleasure, but we live in a society that profits off of shame. Your relationship to your body is influenced by a world that uses your insecurities to sell you products and ideas. Take your power back and use the over-population of “regular-people-turned-influencers” to your advantage. There is someone out there with your body who loves the skin they live in. If that person is thriving, then you can too.