Other Things Taylor Swift Did During Quarantine
By: Cara Michelle Smith
Tags: Quarantine, Humor, Satire, Folklore, Taylor Swift

Saving the Amazon rainforest, quantum physics, ending poverty and more.

(Image by Beth Garrabrant)

Following her release of ‘folklore’ and ‘evermore,’ creators around the globe remain stunned by Taylor Swift’s pandemic productivity. Here are some other things Swift has accomplished in quarantine, all of which she vehemently denies.

March 19, 2020: Developed A Treatise To Restore The Amazon Rainforest

After writing 56 songs and mobilizing three billion teens to register to vote with a single tweet, Taylor Swift kicked back to watch a documentary on the Amazon Rainforest. “Why hasn’t anybody fixed this already?” she muttered to herself, before setting aside her Earl grey and pulling out a leather-bound notebook with “A FANTASIA OF WANDERLUST” stitched on the cover in pink silk.

Twenty minutes later, Swift had authored a 400-page global charter outlining a six-year conservation agreement between the world’s nations that, if executed, would restore 2 billion acres of lost rainforest by 2030.

She shared the treatise in a Tweet with the caption, “d e v e l o p m e n t s.” Twelve seconds later, she deleted the tweet.

April 21, 2020: Solved One Of The Most Difficult Problems In Quantum Physics

Those who were on YouTube between the minutes of 3:13 a.m. and 3:19 a.m. on April 21, 2020 swear they witnessed a serene Taylor Swift, snacking on caramel chews and streaming live in front of a white board covered in complex formulas. “OK, so, I think I might’ve figured out how to reconcile gravity and the quantum coexisting in the same dark matter,” Swift said in a room illuminated by the flickering wicks of dozens of pillar candles. Six minutes later, someone knocked at Swift’s door. She glanced at the camera, wide-eyed, and abruptly ended the stream.

The next day, a single tweet was sent from Swift’s account: “night is just the time of day you’re allowed to explore your wildest self. ✨”

Eight seconds later, she deleted it.

May 8, 2020: Pushed The United States Military Apparatus To Confirm The Existence Of UFOs

Classified documents confirm the existence of a letter, handwritten with a quill and ink on parchment paper whose edges had been softly burned, that was mailed to the U.S. Department of Defense on May 1, 2020. The letter, sources say, read as follows: “2019’s The Whitlock Report. Nonexistent. Destroyed. Or is it? I’ve read it all. And baby, if secrets were steeped in gold, Defense Secretary Mark Esper would glitter brightest of all.”

Days later, the U.S. Navy issued a statement confirming eight recorded sightings of unidentified flying objects that occurred between 2013 and 2019.

August 10, 2020: Ended Global Poverty

On a balmy August morning, United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres found a thick ream of paper, secured by a shiny pink ribbon, sitting neatly on his porch. The 600-page proposal, which outlined an economically feasible, ten-year agreement between the world’s richest nations, was credited only to “T” written in ornate cursive script.

In 2023, when the proposal is unanimously approved by the UN, Guterres will reminisce about the morning he found it on his stoop, and how, after he picked it up, the vintage Mustang covered in fairy lights that had been parked in front of his house all night sped away and out of sight.

November 15, 2020: Developed The Coronavirus Vaccine

“Sorry I’m so mortifyingly late,” Taylor Swift said, logging onto an 8 o’clock Zoom session with her producers, Aaron Desner and Jack Antonoff, at 8:01 a.m. “Guess I lost track of time in the lab.”

“It’s all good,” Antonoff said. “Didn’t realize you were in the studio all night. Get anything good?”

“Right, that’s the kind of ‘lab’ I was talking about,” Swift said. “Call me crazy, but I think what I just did in there might change the world.”

Three days later, Pfizer announced the successful completion of its COVID-19 vaccine trials. At the press conference announcing the feat, a woman wearing bright red lipstick and a cardigan under her lab coat can be seen standing discreetly behind Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla, whispering the words for him to say.

After the press conference, Swift tweeted: “letting a man enjoy the glory for my toiling wasn’t my call, but i suppose some of you needed to see this win through a strong jaw… ✨”.

Four seconds later, she deleted it.

March 2021

Taylor Swift releases a ska album. Pitchfork calls it “a revelation.”