I Just Received an Email I Wrote 8 Months Ago and It’s Depressing
By: Zed Bee
Tags: Personal Development, Growth, Personal Growth, Self-awareness, Beyourself

In April, I wrote a letter to my future self. I used a site called Future Me which allows you to write an email to your future self. You can choose whatever date or however long, I chose the 31st December.

I retrieved the email from my junk folder this morning and read it blurry-eyed whilst I laid in bed. It was more like a letter and so hopelessly optimistic it made me want to pat Past-Me on the back and say “oh sweetie” in that really condescending way people do. I wrote that email 3 weeks into the national UK lockdown so by then the world was already looking pretty rubbish. I can’t blame it on not knowing that it was going to be a crazy year.

Reading through, I saw all the goals I set for myself: build 3 income streams, save £25,000 in my account, and I can’t help but laugh. I mean I did try. It wasn’t for lack of trying. And I can’t say they were impossible goals either because a lot of people have had a really good year considering.

At the time, I wanted to start a social media marketing agency and I was cold calling to get clients. That was hard. Especially as this was just at the beginning of lockdown and people weren’t interested in shelling out for advertising, particularly when they didn’t know what was going to happen a few months down the line.

In the letter, I wrote about how proud of myself I was to have moved to London, started a new job and a side hustle. Now, nearly 8 months later, I had moved back home, quit the job, and that side hustle. What a difference some months can make. I wonder now, would Past-Me still be proud? We’re kind of back to where we started the year at. Similar bank balance, same house, same hobbies.

Though on the surface not much looks different, I’ve experienced some growth over the last 12 months at the very least.

Probably what’s changed the most is my relationship with money, or how I think of money. When I started this year, and probably all the years before, I was concerned about making more of it. If I had more of it, I’d be more secure. I’d feel safer. Things would be better.

My side hustles were based on the premise of building value for others in exchange for money. That’s what I’d learned all those hours YouTubing and reading. I thought social media marketing would be a good avenue for me to go down. But soon after starting, I realized I wasn’t enjoying it, especially the cold calling.

Isn’t that the game though? If you want money you have to do things you don’t necessarily enjoy in order to get it?

There was a point in 2019, where I was earning more than I ever had before and I was still pretty miserable. I realized then that money was not enough to make me stay, I valued something else much more than that.

Money is important, don’t get me wrong but is it possible that there is another way? I’d been in the same cycle for years, doing bits here and there to get by, all for the sake of money. I’d tried it the conventional way, so maybe I needed to change tack. What if I spent more of my time focused on the things that I actually did enjoy. Would it be possible for me to be able to sustain myself that way? Maybe not now, but eventually? Possibly. How would life be if I tried it a different way?

That would mean quietening my anxiety around money. It would mean removing my worth from my bank balance. It would also mean doing things unconventionally and surrendering control, not trying to force things or do things for the sake of it. It would mean saying no to ‘quick money’ business ideas and concentrating my energy inwards.

So, that’s how I got here, on the face of it, back to where I started but with renewed inspiration. I do not currently have £25,000 saved or have 3 streams of income but I have a new goal and a newer determination for 2021.

To Past-Me who may be horribly disappointed about the current situation of Present-Me, I apologize. Things change, get over it.