My Five Year Financial Secret
By: Life'S Unsexy Toolkit
Tags: Debt, Relationships, Personal Finance, Personal Growth, Money

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

The first time my partner and I fought about money was 5 years into our relationship.

You might think, “that’s pretty good,” considering money is one of the top issues couples fight about; but, I view it as that’s how long I was dishonest about my financial situation.

And when it was exposed, I felt like crap.

I hadn’t been honest about my savings to debt ratio. When I left the “wrong” screen up too long during a budget session, he looked over to check a mutual input and saw something I had never mentioned before.

This was awkward and uncomfortable, to say the least. We always claimed to be fully transparent with each other. Instead, I got caught in my own lie.

I felt shame but was also defensive. Why should I have to tell him everything if I don’t want to? My finances don’t have a direct impact on his life. It’s none of his business.

I was somewhat wrong in this claim.*

Think about it another way. Generally, it is good for your partner to know if you are diabetic or battling high blood pressure so you can make dietary choices together to support your needs. This transparency enables a stronger partnership.

Similarly, your financial health influences how you think about your finances and impacts the decisions you make about money. While sharing the exact dollars with your partner may not matter, having an open dialogue about your full financial diagnosis is important. It becomes even more so when you have shared expenses.

The rest of the afternoon passed in stony silence, with one of us occasionally trying to break down the void we had created, while the other stood resolute in their conviction.

By the end of the night, our defenses had broken down enough to enable a dialogue on what happened.

Here is what I learned.

You don’t have to share every detail, but you should have a sense of each’s other’s financial health, especially if you are living together.

What felt most deceitful to him was that we had been living together for several months, and my true financial picture had never come up. Meanwhile, during that time, we were establishing a budget for shared expenses and trying to build a life together. How were we supposed to do that accurately when a key piece of information was missing?

The way we got around this was to give each other an overall sense of our financial outlook.

Do you have a rainy day fund in place? Do you have debt? If so, what kind, what is your monthly obligation, and do you have any specific goals related to your debt? Are you contributing to a retirement account? If so, how much are you contributing annually, and how does that impact your take-home pay? Do you have additional financial obligations or goals the other should be aware of? What are your financial priorities in the next 12 months? Does your shared budget help or hinder that? Do any changes need to be made? When all is said and done, does your financial plan feel fair and satisfactory to both parties?

We did not address this all at once. It takes time, and you may not know all of the answers yet. How you manage the discussion is up to you and your significant other. But, it is a conversation that should be had.

Practice what you preach.

If you have a joint budget, it should be built on one philosophy, and both of you must follow it. Otherwise, something is amiss, and you need to revisit some of the conversations prompts mentioned above.

Celebrate your financial goals together, even if they aren’t the same.

You likely won’t have the same financial goals as your partner. One of you might be doubling down on debt or saving to start a new business. The other may be working on getting a sufficient rainy day fund in place or saving to buy a car. That’s okay!

Regardless of your goals, be honest about them and celebrate the victories along the way. Not only will this make it easier to be transparent, but it will also encourage your momentum.

Take advantage of having an accountability partner.

There are many benefits to being in a healthy, supportive relationship. Having a built-in accountability partner is one of those perks! Have regular check-ins on each others’ progress toward your goals. This will help you stay on track.