Reflections on My Word for 2020
By: Yael Wolfe
Tags: Mindfulness, Intentional Living, New Year, This Happened To Me, Self Improvement

Reflections on My Word for 2020

Did I dare?

Photo by Henk Mul on Unsplash

I stumbled upon something in my journal the other day: the word DARE, which was the word I chose for 2020. I laughed — for a lot of reasons.

For one thing, what are the chances that I would’ve chosen a word like DARE two months before a pandemic that would keep us stuck inside, isolated, and relatively stuck for the next year-plus?

Secondly, I hadn’t even remembered that I had chosen this word for 2020. For the past five years, I’ve been faithfully choosing words and intentions for each year and while I occasionally lose sight of them, I always revisit them every month to help myself remain focused.

The last time I remember even thinking about the word DARE was…April, I’d guess. And somewhere along the way, I lost sight of it, entirely. Because what on earth could I reasonably and safely dare to do in a pandemic?

If I had chosen the kind of word that I normally choose, like LIGHT (2015), SURRENDER (2016), or PRESENCE (2019), I could’ve stayed true to my word even in the pandemic. But no, I had to choose a word like DARE.

When I ruminated on this, just before making the decision, I had chosen a few specific ways to express DARE throughout 2020. So let’s do an audit.

Dare to say what you’ve never said before

I have had some scary and hard conversations, yes. I have told all the messy truth many times when I could’ve chosen to stay silent and not cause a stir. I have insisted on voicing my feelings and opinions when before, I would’ve just shut up. I have pushed back when people said things that I felt were objectionable.

I’m tempted not to give myself any credit for any of this — in some ways, it all seems so small and insignificant. But maybe I can check this box, with the knowledge that I’ll have to keep going if I really want to call it a done deal.

Dare to love people in ways you’ve never loved them before

I have made a dedicated effort to do this, DARE or not. There have been times when I chose to bridge a gap instead of sitting in silence and conflict. I have worked extra hard to show my brother and his family love while they are struggling in this pandemic. I’ve tried to be a force of comfort for others: friends who live far away and even people I have never met before. And I threw myself headfirst into loving my sister’s kids in the six weeks before they moved away, which led up to one of the saddest days of my life.

So yes, I’m going to call this one a success.

Dare to be more vulnerable than you’ve ever been

I think I’ve certainly accomplished this on the page. But in real life? It’s much harder, face-to-face, especially in the wake of being consistently disappointed by some of the people I’ve been vulnerable with. I think maybe this one needs some finessing, because I’m learning that I don’t owe vulnerability to anyone — it is supposed to be something I can share with the world as a tool of connection. That’s what I need to work on: the why behind the vulnerability, not the depth of it.

Dare to wear clothing that actually fits you

Done. My clothes have gotten much tighter this year and it has been really hard to wear them in public. Even harder to see myself wearing them on my videos. I still don’t feel comfortable dressing like this, but I’m going to keep trying.

Dare to let people see and hear you

I think I’ve made huge strides in this area, though I have a very long way to go.

Dare to find ways to seek out more pleasure

I had grandiose plans for this one that included dating and sex. Instead, I settled for buying myself a few treats, working in bed more often, making an epic homemade apple pie, diving into my love for videography… Small things, I suspect, but not bad.

Dare to say yes

I said yes to camping, even though I really didn’t want to go. And that’s about all I can think of. What else was there to say yes to in a year of a pandemic?

Dare to be real

I think I still have a long way to go with this one. I constantly struggle with trying to avoid conflict, which often makes me set my feelings aside.

Dare to leave your comfort zone

See reference to camping. And I’ve shown myself more on videos. I’ve shared my photography collection with the world. Beyond that, I haven’t had much chance to leave my comfort zone.