A Surefire Trick For Winning Every Argument
By: Kwame Afriyie Osei-Tutu
Tags: Truth, Self Improvement, Life Lessons, Debate, Conversations

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Debate is one of the ways by which people settle their differences and search for a truth they can agree on. However, debates nowadays seem to be less about finding the truth and more about the clashing of egos. Debates should end in more agreements than disagreements but they seldom do.

I’ve been in quite a lot of arguments in my lifetime. In any group of people, I’m usually the one who disagrees most with the opinions of everyone else. Some of my arguments have been very heated to the extent that I’ve been scared that our friendship would end.

There are arguments that I won very clearly and then there are others that…well…let’s just say that the jury is still out on those ones. Over the course of my life, I’ve learned a couple of important things about having debates with people. I’ve learned that you should always clearly state definitions of terms you use(even if the definitions seem obvious) as well as another lesson which is the subject of this article. The second lesson is something that most people struggle with but once we master it, we will walk away from every debate happier than we were when we came in.

But first let’s tackle one issue.

“Winning” Every Argument Even If You’re Dead Wrong

The first thing I want us to get out of the way is this: it is possible to “win” any argument with anyone even if your position is dead wrong…but that’s through crude means. The problem with having a debate with a person is that you’re having a debate with a human being. You aren’t debating with the truth, but rather another human being, who like you, has flaws and can easily be tricked into surrendering to your flawed arguments.

If the person you were debating with knew all the truth in the world, there would be no way you would “win” the argument. That’s because there’s no way of successfully tricking the individual that you’ve won when you really haven’t. However, since humans have limited knowledge, there’s always an opportunity to say something the opponent cannot rebut because he doesn’t have enough knowledge at his disposal to do so. As such, relative to him, you have won the argument, but relative to the truth, you probably haven’t.

However, if we want to win fair and square, we are going to have to answer one question: Why do humans argue, anyway?

The Aim For A Debate

Having a debate is like playing a game. And just like most games, there is a criterion that determines whether or not a player has really won. If we want to be true winners of the game of debating, we are going to have to find out what the winning criterion is. When we get into debates, what is our real aim?

If you were to conduct a survey of people around the world, asking them why they enter a debate with anyone(like the heated debates in YouTube comment sections), the following two answers would probably be the most common:

I want to find out the truth. So after the debate is done, I want to know what is right.

I care about the other party so I want them to know what the real truth is.

These are very noble reasons to debate people, especially if both reasons are put together as one. However, if the respondents to the survey were to be honest with themselves, we would more likely see answers like these:

I want to prove the other person wrong and set her straight.

I’ve got insecurities about being told I’m wrong so I’m arguing with the other party so they also feel wrong. Revenge.

You can add to this list, can’t you? It’s easy to tell that while the initial responses showed genuine concern for the other party and curiosity about the truth, the second set of responses reflects negativity. The latter set of responses captures how most of us approach debates. People who approach debates with the latter mindset would do whatever it takes to make it look like they won the argument and let the other person feel bad. However, if you approach arguments with the mindset of finding the truth, you would do whatever it takes(even if it means changing your mind) to find it.

As such, the behaviour of a debater reflects their aim for the debate.

Your Aim Informs Your Behaviour

When the radar in our brain catches the signal of someone disagreeing with us, there’s a sharp but subtle adrenaline spike that makes us want to defend ourselves. A lot of us have made our opinions a core part of our identity such that if anyone attempts to dispel those ideas, we think the person is out to crush us. On heated matters like religion and politics, our opinions are the closest to our sense of worth.

“What religion and politics have in common is that they become part of people’s identity, and people can never have a fruitful argument about something that’s part of their identity. By definition they’re partisan.” — Paul Graham, in his post, “Keep Your Identity Small”

People who aren’t interested in the truth, but rather in proving themselves right, aren’t that hard to identify. In an argument, such people aren’t interested in hearing out the other person’s opinions. They’re just waiting for their turn to launch their attack.

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” — Stephen Covey, in his book, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”

Furthermore, they might intentionally sway the argument in a different direction where they can win. In extreme cases, they might even tease you till lose your cool, or they may use an ad hominem.

However, if you’re in search for the truth, your aim is different and as such your way of approaching that aim also differs. Let’s try to understand this distinction with a dartboard metaphor.

Winning Depends On Your Aim

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Winning an argument is like trying to hit a dartboard with a bunch of darts in your hand. The score you get from throwing the darts depends on which part of the dartboard you’re trying to strike. If you’re only trying to win an argument with a person and not with the truth, then you’re aiming for mediocre points on the dartboard. You’re trying to win an argument with a person via crude means for your own personal gratification. You just can’t resign to the possibility that you’re wrong.

However, if you want to enter debates with the aim of finding the truth, then you’re aiming for the bull’s eye. People like this aren’t afraid to admit that they’re wrong. In the midst of an argument, they may say, “Initially, I thought that Ms. A’s position was wrong, but after hearing her speak, I think that in cases B, C and D, she has a valid point.”

This is also a way to win your opponent over to your side: genuinely admit when you realize your opponent was right about something while you were wrong. That sends a signal to the other person that you listen, and so when you raise your next point your opponent is likely to reciprocate your open-mindedness.

Real Winners Aim For The Real Truth

Ultimately, if you’re searching for truth, the most effective way to win any argument is to change your mind when you realize your opinions are wrong. That’s the surefire trick. After all, if you’re searching for the truth but you’re standing where there are lies, are you truly winning?

Others may shoot their darts for mediocre points like feeling good, personal gratification and putting their opponent down. However, you’re better than that, aren’t you? You’re going for the real deal: the bull’s eye. You’re going to leave the debate room with a copy of the truth in your pocket.

Additionally, you might be able to help your opponent understand which points of theirs are wrong. However, if that doesn’t work out well, it’s not that bad. That is only a secondary goal in debating. You can’t force anyone to be fully convinced about anything(unless you use crude means I described early on). Nevertheless, you can win any argument, by finding the truth.

Conclusion

During your next debate or a discussion with people, remember the real reason humans have debates. Ask yourself what part of the dartboard you’re aiming for. Are you aiming for self-gratification or are you aiming for the truth? Your aim determines the manner in which you’ll shoot your darts.

Those who win debates aren’t those who insist on the veracity of a lie, but rather those who realize the truth and seek to embrace it. After all, that’s what a true debate is: a search for truth.