Setting Boundaries With Family Over the Holidays
By: Agents Of Change
Tags: Life Lessons, Boundaries, Holiday, Family, Addiction

Setting Boundaries With Family Over the Holidays

Photo credit: Shutterstock

By Steven Booth

This year the holiday season caps off a tumultuous 2020. Emotions are raw, pocketbooks are thin, and a general sense of trepidation still hangs in the air. The sorry fact is that this year the holidays will lack the usual festive vibe as we continue to be immersed in a global health crisis. Add to this political unrest and a shaky economy and it is easy to understand why there are increased levels of mental health distress, substance abuse, and suicide this year.

Protecting mental health is not only desirable, but it is absolutely necessary as we wind up the year. As wonderful as the holiday season can be, it can also be a source of stress each year. Because family strife is one of the most common issues people cite during the holidays, now is as good a time as any to begin setting some healthy new boundaries.

Boundaries are simply a way to communicate your desires and needs to others by setting limitations or rules of relating. People establish boundaries as a way to protect their own happiness from something that has the potential to cause harm. Individuals in addiction recovery, for example, set boundaries with family members who might undermine their sobriety through various actions. Others who may be grieving the loss of a loved one may put down some boundaries to protect their sensitive emotional state. There are a multitude of reasons why boundaries can serve as protection for our wellbeing.

What Are Some Family Issues That Involve the Holidays?

Holiday traditions can stir up both warm memories of years past, as well as trigger negative thoughts of not-so-happy events in the past. No family is without some highs and lows in its history. When families gather together during the holiday season it can reignite old feuds or launch heated political debates, all of which can be stressful.

Family expectations are another source of stress and anxiety. Old family traditions may need some adjustments this year due to the virus, and this might not sit well with all family members who may expect the norm. Some family members might want to scale back on gift-giving because of financial constraints this year, while others want to continue with the prior expenditures. If a family member is newly sober and requests the holiday gathering be a “dry” one, he or she may be met with resistance. People do not like change.

How To Set Boundaries With Family Members

When it comes to setting fresh boundaries with family members you will need to feel a strong commitment to your own truth, and show a willingness to stand firm. Remember, it is your own health and wellbeing that you are interested in protecting. To help accomplish success in setting new boundaries, keep these tips in mind:

It’s okay to judge. When it comes to protecting your mental health and wellbeing, do not hesitate to make an honest assessment of the people who inhabit your life. Recognize the toxic traits in certain relationships, even family members, and begin to remove them from your life.

Communicate clearly. For those relationships that are to some degree unhealthy, but which you want to retain, clearly articulate with them the need for making changes this holiday season. Be concise and unwavering about your needs so the person will know what it will take to stay in your life.

Learn how to say no. It is very difficult to cut off a relationship with a family member, even a toxic one. Especially if that person has been the dominant one in the relationship you will find it hard to enforce the new boundaries. Regardless, it is essential to the survival of the relationship to know how to say no. Denying them the power to influence you, and insisting they respect your boundaries will be empowering.

Respect your truth. Setting new boundaries means you have arrived at the point where you want to honor your own wellbeing by being true to yourself. It helps to jot down a list of the reasons for the boundaries, as this helps you stay focused and strong in holding the line with the family member.

Setting Boundaries in Addiction Recovery this Holiday Season

When you entered treatment for a substance use disorder or dual diagnosis you made a commitment to achieving a sober, healthy lifestyle. With the holidays upon us, the threat of being around alcohol or other substances is very real. The early months of recovery are extremely vulnerable to relapse.

Family holiday gatherings can be a real problem for someone new in recovery. As difficult as it might seem, you will need to establish some boundaries about the presence of substances at these parties, as this could potentially threaten your recovery. Consider these tips for working through the process of setting new healthy boundaries this holiday season:

Honor your sobriety. Your recovery must be important enough to make this effort to set new boundaries. Never lose sight that your recovery is the number one priority in your life. Remembering this fact will help you work through the difficulties of setting healthy boundaries.

Prepare to stand firm. You are likely to be met with resistance when communicating the new boundaries this holiday season. Remember to describe your needs using firm, assertive language while also avoiding accusatory statements and blame. What you want to do is improve the holidays for yourself with these new ground rules, while hoping that your family members buy-in.

Don’t go it alone. Setting new boundaries with a family member can be challenging and frustrating. Dysfunctional relationship behaviors are not easy to break, and there is bound to be push back and hurt feelings. Enlisting the help of a therapist can help guide the process while also providing emotional support.

Most people who set new boundaries find that setting the boundaries is the easy part; enforcing them is what’s difficult. Asking family members to respect your new boundaries for the holiday season might not be welcomed, but it is essential to your mental health or sobriety that you stand strong.

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This story was originally published on The Good Men Project.

About Steven Booth

Steven Booth is the CEO and Founder of Elevation Behavioral Health in Agoura Hills, CA. Steven earned his B.A. from the University of California, Santa Barbara in Economics. Before helping to co-found Elevation Behavioral Health, Steven worked in both private and public accounting. Like many others, Steven has seen firsthand the destruction that addiction can inflict on family and friends. He has also witnessed the extraordinary changes that can be made when addicts receive the necessary treatment. His passion is providing outstanding mental health care through his facility, and improving the quality of life of clients.

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