Lessons on Loneliness from an introvert
By: Sophie Creitz
Tags: 2020, Single Life, Lockdown, Loneliness, Introvert

We all get it: Loneliness is something to learn from. Something you need to go through to grow from it. As a young millennial, meaning a woman in their late twenties, single during the Corona pandemic, I don’t think I’m wrong when I say that a lot of us have learned many lessons within the last 9 months. Ironically my being single started just before the big outbreak — so there was no way to escape the loneliness and heartbreak. Distraction was a rarity.

Lesson 1: No matter how physically distant you are as a human in general, when you cannot have it anymore, there is nothing more you want.

Not being the most touchy-feely woman, many men in my past have noticed that about me, I thought that sleeping on my own most of the 365 nights of this year would be easy enough. After all, women sleep better without other people in the room. Their sleep is deeper because they don’t have to worry about their child or significant other. While I can say this is true and that my sleep is deeper when sleeping alone, there is another factor to good sleep: Low stress levels. And guess what: Physical touch helps to increase serotonin levels and decrease cortisol levels which is the perfect combination when combatting stress.

This dawned on me when talking to another very single friend of mine, who was so happy, after coming back from a massage. “Just being touched like that again, it felt amazing” she said — well yes, it was a massage but I think she really meant the experience of intense physical touch. Something you only miss when you cannot have it.

I learned this about myself, while I will never be the most affectionate person — an issue for another story — as a human I crave physical touch from people I like. And that doesn’t mean just sex.

Lesson 2: Loneliness doesn’t get better with time (unlike expensive Merlot) but it balances out a bit.

I don’t believe it gets better. People tell me all the time that I will be fine being by myself and independent of others. Yes. I am better with being by myself now more than in my relationship but I always was fine with being by myself. This situation right now is the absolute extreme though. We are forced to live like Pandas or even polar bears, loners by nature. Except we are not. I like to have the choice, having no choice or say in this triggers feelings of helplessness and being out of control. I will admit, I am not patient and the waiting game suffocates me.

But — and there is a big but — me experiencing loss of control and loneliness during this pandemic teached me a lot about acceptance. You cannot resist the given circumstances forever. You cannot cry over every changed plan that wasn’t in your control. When this happens over and over again, you get used to it. You are learning to accept. And with acceptance, of course, you are not using your valuable brain power to moan over what hasn’t happened. You can move on quicker from the negative feeling and be more productive with things that still make you happy anyways. The loneliness stays with you but by moving on from this feeling, you are making space for other feelings that balance the negative.

Lesson 3: Boredom, loneliness and lost opportunities can spark creativity

I think we all got a bit creative during lockdown. All the baking, all the home workouts, all the creative projects. All the new ways to stay in contact. In fact, I wouldn’t even be on here if it wasn’t for my breakup and this pandemic. For me personally, two things came together: The general pandemic loneliness and all the new options and opportunities that comes with being single again. I had a lot of time to think and question every aspect of my life. Do I want this life that I have created for myself?

I am one to wander and move a lot. I don’t have a real sense of home. Home always was where my loved one was. And I think this is something that my generation is struggling with or embracing — depending on who you ask. So this should feel freeing. Except this pandemic prolongs the decision-making process since I cannot just get up and leave. The job market isn’t great and frankly, the great first moment of arriving in a different city: the exploration, the new air, the meeting new people — it just wouldn’t feel the same. In a way I am trapped, as many are, in a poise, in a state of uncertainty. How do I know what I want, when I don’t even know what life is going to be like after all of this. But I found the positive in this: I can trial everything that comes to mind before committing to another career or job. I have time now to write again, paint again, try to practice photography, do some freelance work. See what I really want and try all the things I didn’t have time to do before. I am more creative than I was a year ago. Paths that didn’t come to my mind before are on the list of possibilities suddenly.

Lesson 4: Loneliness can mean many things

Being single, I do complain a lot about being alone and by myself. And for the record: While I do think that this lockdown is right in this pandemic, I think that people aren’t talking and expressing mental health issues enough — because we could look like we are part of the corona conspiracy theory crowd in pointing out the bad effects of lockdown. But while I am one to self-loath here and there, we cannot forget about those people who are in relationships, or have kids, and still feel lonely. Loneliness can have everything and nothing to do about actually being alone. I can say this from experience: There are many ways to feel lonely. And even being by myself might not be the only part of my loneliness. I felt lonely since moving to this city because I am not surrounded by my best friends. I built new friendships but it’s not the same as those bonds that I have built over years and years. And remember: I was in a relationship most of the time since living in this city. Yet, I felt and still feel lonely.

This means: We all need to check on those people who seem to have their life together, are in a relationship, have kids and all that. They could feel lonely. And you could help them to feel less so.

Lesson 5: As with everything, there will be ups and downs. Concentrate on the fact that there are ups.

I’m generally a positive person, although this trait has suffered within the last two years. Maybe it’s growing up. Maybe it’s life throwing me curve balls around every corner. But I am still here even after all of this. And there were good phases. There is an end to any episode of loneliness. This feeling will go away eventually, not forever. But next time you will be able to handle it better than last time, at the time after that, well… We all grow stronger the more s*** that happens to us. This may sound cheesy but there is so much truth and calm to this.

I do have to admit that being in my late 20s and living through this phase makes me a little more anxious than before. I am not living my best life currently but I am preparing to live my best life when this is over. And so should you. Not with pressure. But with acceptance, creativity, and realising all those new facets about yourself that you might not have been aware of. I am aware that this sounds like a bad self-help book. But if this even created one moment of inspiration, of looking at the situation with different eyes, then this article has done its job. We’ll all meet one another again, on the other side as people who have grown from this experience.