My Mother's Day Wish to All the Moms I Know
By: Shannon Eubanks
Tags: Parenting, Empty Nest, Self-awareness, Mothers Day

It’s Mother’s Day. I’ve been a mother for 22.5 years now. It was the biggest blessing to me ever and I am grateful every day for these three amazing humans who call me mom (although I never gave them permission to stop calling me mommy — but that’s another story). I have a lot of friends who are moms and a lot of relatives who are moms. They are not just moms — they are great moms. There’s totally a difference between moms who are great and moms who are not — the ones who are great know how to squash self and the ones who are not put themselves first at the expense of their children. But even the good moms have to face the day when being a mom is not their 24-hour job. My wish today is that those moms, the ones who sacrificed their time, their figures, their health and their careers to produce the kinds of children who will grow up to be good people, I want those moms to figure out what they want after being a mom. I want them to think about what they want without having to run it through the prism of what is best for everyone else. It’s a whole lot harder than you might think.

I am that mom. I became a single mom against my will when my children were 11, 14 and 15. Today, my oldest will graduate soon from the University of Virginia (I am super proud) and my youngest is about to graduate from high school and head to William and Mary (I am super proud of her, too). My middle graduates next year from James Madison University (again, hella proud). But guess what? For the first time since I was 25-years-old and living in an upstairs apartment in Park Fairfax off Quaker Lane just outside Washington, D.C., I will be alone — like for months.

I’m single. I’m not dating anyone. I am alone. Sometimes, it bums me out but mostly I try to think about it from the angle of — I don’t have to consider anyone else when making decisions. Of course, there are some limits — I need to stay here to keep in-state tuition for my kids who are still in college and I don’t want to be far from them. I have a dog and a cat and because of a recent moment of craziness, I got a puppy. I need to consider them somewhat but they are fairly easy.

It’s time for me to think about what I want and what I like. I’ve gradually been easing into it and at first, I made the mistake of looking around me and seeing what other people like and thinking, that’s what I need to do. But that brought no fulfillment or satisfaction and put me right back to “What do I want?”

For years, I planned my hours around sports practices, drama stuff, meals I had to cook or I felt guilty, family vacations, making sure my kids were doing whatever they were supposed to do to make it to a good college, etc. It was a lot of pressure and I always felt like I could be doing something more.

That is gone. I did it. I got them into good schools. They are good people. Now, back to what do I want? I can’t even write straight out about what I want. Notice how I keep avoiding the topic? It’s really, really hard to sit down and think, “What do I like? What would I really want to do with my time if I could just ignore any judgment from anyone else?” Geez.

I don’t have any big answers right now. Child number 3 doesn’t leave until August. Then it’s really going to be go-time. I know I want to write more — maybe a book. I want to learn more about cooking. I want to run more. I’d like to meet a nice man who understands that I don’t need him to complete me and appreciates my quirks. I’d like to learn to do hunt trials with my dog. I would like to figure out how to become an inspirational speaker to women, men or children who think they don’t matter. I want to get my yard under control.

When I look around at my friends, almost all of whom are still married to the father of their children, I see they are a few steps behind me. They have to consider another human being when they make decisions. I’m envious of some of them because they truly do seem to operate as a team. Others, not so much. But most of all, these are good women. I want so much for them to listen to that little voice inside that tells them that it still has dreams. I’m learning to listen to that little voice and it is has been a gift.

There’s nothing more important in this life than being a mother to a child and being there for that child, day in and day out. Nothing. But when that’s done, I hope you can recover that part of yourself that knows how to find the joy in life by figuring out what it is that you want.

Happy Mother’s Day 2018 to all the mothers I know who are simply lovely. May 2018 be the year you find out what else you have to experience in this wonderful life.