Stopping the Trauma: Impact of Sexual Abuse Doesn’t End with the Predator
By: Ashley Orellana
Tags: Sexual Abuse, Trauma, Trauma Recovery, Healing From Abuse, Healing From Trauma

In my life, I’ve seen far too many friends and family be traumatized by child sexual abuse. From rapes to molestations, I’ve heard some of the most depraved, yet brave stories from those that trusted me enough to share. But for so many of these survivors, they continue to be traumatized even after their abusers are convicted. And this continued trauma is frequently caused by toxic family members or friends.

I just want to say, to anyone who may feel alone and unable to talk to anyone about their trauma, you are not alone. And you do deserve better, especially if no one is supporting you. My family has experienced this first hand and I hope that sharing our story can help you feel a little less alone and look for ways to get the support that you might need.

While I had a fairly happy childhood, there was always a dark undercurrent when it came to my mom’s side of the family. The patriarchy, my grandfather, was a pedophile. Everyone knew it, but no one talked about it. For years, he traumatized numerous children including his sister, his kids, and other children from around the neighborhood. He got away with this for years until another family member chose to join law enforcement. Only then was his abuse discussed. And even in this situation, he was given the power to turn himself in and the entire situation was kept quiet and away from the media.

This should have been the beginning of the healing process for so many people, but it only caused a deeper pain. Many of the family, now having to face what happened to them, chose to lash out. And since my mom was one of the few siblings to have talked about her experience when she was younger, she became the target. She was blamed for the abuse, for his conviction, and for destroying the family. Those that she had expected to get support from instead attacked her or ignored her and tried to convince her that her trauma wasn’t all that bad.

These reactions broke my mom’s heart and any remaining trust that she had for them. She had always hoped to heal from her trauma and form a healthier relationship with her family, but she was now able to see that it would never happen. Staying in these relationships would cause more harm that she had already been through, so she made the incredibly difficult decision to cut ties with this family. She mourned them as you do someone who passes away and did her best to pick up the pieces of her life. While she has healed a lot from her trauma, and is a brave and amazing woman that I am so proud to call my mother, she is still being traumatized by the family.

Cutting them out of our lives should have been the end, but they are truly toxic people who cannot empathize and only want their needs fulfilled. Because my mom made the choice to end the relationship on her terms, they have spent the last spent the last 16 or so years driving by my parent’s house. Most of the time they slowly drive through the neighborhood, hoping to catch sight of someone in the yard or a window. Other times they dare to park and leave the car, placing cards on our doorstep or knocking and hoping for an answer. When this doesn’t result in a response, they resort to stalking us on social media and send private messages that leave us feeling exposed, vulnerable, and constantly on edge.

This all has taken a huge toll on my mom. She finds that she cannot open up to many people and is usually on edge for the next visit from an unwanted member of the family. And when family members reach out to me or my dad, we have to let her know so that she can keep an eye out for other messages from them. And she always apologizes even though she shouldn’t have to.

This toxicity has also negatively impacted me. I have always dreamed of being a writer, and I love my name. But because this family knows my name, publishing anything scares me. It scares me because they might recognize my name, and they might track me or the rest of my family down. For a long time, I refused to have my real name or photo on Facebook. When I finally felt safe enough to do so, a family member found me and tried to connect with a personal message. It left me in tears and I wanted to pull the whole account down. When my grandmother found me, just a few weeks ago, rage surged through me.

Despite these initial feelings, I know that I can’t live my life in fear. This family will likely always try to reconnect with us and refuse to respect our boundaries. However, they don’t deserve any power over me or my family.

My mom taught me and my brother that we can choose our own family. That even though people aren’t related to us, they can still love and help protect us. This has led me to create a small, but strong circle of supportive people around me. They know of my struggles, my fears, and are always willing to jump into action if needed. I know for a fact, that if I were to be found by any family member, I would have so many people willing to get in between me and them to help build a physical boundary if they had to.

Even if your family or friends don’t support you, or hurt you with what they say or how they act, know that there are people out there who are willing to listen and offer whatever you need. I might not know you, or your experience, but I believe you. I’m so sorry you went through that, and I hope that you are doing better today. And if you can, please find a way to diminish interactions with anyone that triggers your trauma or adds to your scars. Cutting them out of your life might not be an option for you, but find a way to build boundaries. Move out and away if you can, find people that listen to you and are willing to do anything to help you, and seek therapy or additional help if you need it.

If you are an adult that experienced sexual abuse as a child, you can heal. There are multiple resources for you that can be found here: https://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/resources-and-support-for-adults-who-experienced-sexual-abuse-as-children

If you are a minor experiencing sexual abuse, or want to help organizations that support survivors of sexual abuse, you can find a local chapter at this website: https://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/

Whatever your story is, there are so many people that care about you and want to help. Family is bonded by love, not just blood.