Pets’ Prayers for the New Year
By: Janice Arenofsky
Tags: New Year, Pets, Prayers, Cats, Dogs

Pets

Pets’ Prayers for the New Year

Help, I need somebody

Photo by Patrick Hendry on Unsplash

Pets are not religious, but they do pray because it’s a form of meditation and rest. They also want to feel tough and in control. Proclaiming their needs, wants, and desires makes them feel like they’re near the top of the food chain.

Of course both dogs and cats wish for world peace because that means everyone will be in a good mood, and they will give their companion animals more filet mignon and tuna treats. They also pray for nuclear disarmament because the UN Diplomacy Dog has assured pets that nukes are not the way to end disagreements with third-world creatures like hyenas, rattlesnakes, and rats.

In addition, both cats and dogs pray that no one trips over them as happened last year to Beavis the Bloodhound. Having over sniffed Slade room freshener’s baby powder formula, Beavis was nursing an upset stomach while watching a rerun of “Little House on the Prairie.” It was at the commercial break that the woman of the house, with one eye on the TV, stumbled. Beavis is pretty hefty but so was the woman. Rumor is she didn’t even say excuse me. Just another reason to pray for owners with finely honed navigation skills.

Naturally all pets pray for good health so they don’t have to see the vet.

I don’t like those wellness checkups either, says Daniel the Dalmatian. It’s like getting your car tuned up. You can bet your best rawhide bone they’re going to find something scary to get you coming back again and again.

Of course cats and dogs are not above praying for material things such as pet cuddlers, fancy collars, and deli snacks like ham, turkey, and roast beef. Although both canines and felines like a few new toys for the holidays, they opt for warmth rather than aesthetics.

More and more cats are wearing those fuzzy sweaters, especially if they live in old homes with radiators, says Selma the Siamese. I love the way they slim my waist, and enhance the blue in my eyes.

Pets also pray that fleas or ticks be banned from The Great Outdoors within one square mile of their home since the itching drives them crazy plus their owners blame them for infesting the entire house. Furthermore pets agree that discipline should be initiated in a calm soothing voice rather than in shrill screams and that corporal punishment and sexual harassment be prohibited. This includes swats on the rear or inappropriate petting about the whiskers and neck.

Also on the prayer list is a request that persons always use their cell phones on “speaker” so that pets know what’s going on and can then re-arrange their schedules to maximize “alone” times — e.g., moving area rugs and cuddlers closer to the front door in case pets need to sniff out burglars and scam artists.

Pets favor a once-a-year weigh-in unless they’re on a vet-mandated diet. And puh-lease, food items should be served in clean stainless steel bowls or porcelain ones that have cute sayings like “My owner went to Disneyland, but all I got was this crappy dish.”

Pets do not like surprises so skip the April Fool jokes. Once long ago an ex-owner who will remain nameless thought it would be great fun to tie a long ribbon to Mitzi’s tail, and the poor cat got whiplash trying to free herself. She contemplated suing, but a satisfactory settlement was reached. Still, Mitzi has become a bit anal fixated, so these so-called jokes can leave nasty scars.

In addition, both species send pleas for political amnesty for sins of commission: Three free growls and four free noisy barks each month for dogs; three free hisses and four free furniture tears per month for cats.

Cats

As anyone who has had a cat for more than a day knows, cats have special needs. So their prayers can be idiosyncratic, which in cat lingo means “crazy.” For instance, some cats pray for mirrors in every room so they can check out their whiskers for length and signal range and noses for stray boogers and food crumbs. Also, cats in predation-training frequently ask for an atrium with a leafy tree and mechanical birds. Those same cats may later turn into survivalists and pray for the addition of caged live canaries or parakeets and a 50-gallon tank of marine fish. They then stockpile their regular food in favor of feasting on the real stuff. The moral here: Watch what kitties wish for.

Also, instead of those stupid cat condos, cats would rather move into tiny houses they have seen advertised at tinyhouses.com. A little pricey but they’re willing to share to get what they really want.

Dogs

Dogs want more windows in the front parlor so they can track the UPS and FEDEX guys and bark up a storm to show them how much they appreciate the food they’re delivering. They also pray for tile floors instead of that darn wall-to-wall carpet so they won’t be yelled at for accidents.

Dogs generally prefer a fenced-in yard so they don’t have to nag their owners about walks. They also want pet-friendly channel changers so they can skip certain shows that offend their sensibilities like “Hunting for the Wild Dogs of Australia” and “Dog Nappers of Alaska.” Dogs also think groomers should reciprocate the custom of tipping. They could reward dogs for standing nicely, sitting when required, and not complaining when their anal sacs are cleaned. Tips can be negotiated but are usually in the form of treats, bones, or doggie ice cream.

***The above prayers should be relayed to the universe during the recorded performance of the song “Say a Prayer for Me Tonight” sung by Leslie Caron to her cat in the film “Gigi.” For some ungodly reason, the cat hated Caron and had to be heavily drugged. This, of course, ended the cat’s cinematic career. It also was an ASPCA violation and another example of the power of prayer.