Dad And Mom’s Old Anger Kills The Competition of Sport
By: Dr. Conor Hogan Ph.D.
Tags: Coaching Youth Football, Youth Sports, Empathy, Sports Coaching, Sports Psychology

Photo by Florian Cario on Unsplash

Understanding parents that verbally abuse youth sports’ coaches, their players, the sporting officials, and the opposition.

Sporting parents abuse themselves and before you can come to the solution to this issue, you need to understand the problem itself before choosing an approach that involves empathy at its core.

If verbally abusive parents understood sport properly then they would not be resorting to such behavior. The same applies to their understanding of youth. Of course, as a sports’ or youth coach, you would expect that most parents would have an underlying understanding of both sport and youth but unfortunately, this is not always the case. Although you don’t ever expect all parents to understand the minds of everyone, these parents are more than likely abusing others as they are acting out by way of what’s commonly referred to as ‘transference’ within the field of psychology.

What is transference?

Transference is when a person who has feelings and emotions redirects them to another person or thing. Often this can be done unconsciously and so the person who receives the feelings or emotions of the transference is not the intended target of the underlying energy in the first place. These feelings and emotions can come from a very deep and old source within a person and this can fuel the fire of the anger coming from the individual who is expressing themselves through verbal abuse.

Let me jump in a little deeper to explain all the reasons why they may feel the need to abuse others and then it will help you decide on specific strategies to overcome this obstacle.

Why do parents choose sport as a place for their abuse?

Sport, by definition, is an activity that involves physical skills, exertion, and exercise where both individuals and teams can compete against one another for entertainment. Now, if parents that abuse others were to read my definition of the sport they would probably pop a gasket and become irate to the point of real anger. I`d probably be sent messages like

you`re a loser if you think winning is not what sport is all about?

and

sport is a way for my child to compete and to win, it’s not for entertaining others, why do you say it is?

After being sent those messages I could then chose to reply back to those parents or I could completely ignore the questions.

Essentially parents chose a sporting match, game, or performance because it mimics what they feel is the closest thing to violence in our so-called civilized world. Most parents are thankfully not living in prison, have not served jail time, and don’t socialize with gangs who rip it up across their local neighborhoods. Rather, they get up each morning and drive through frustrating traffic, to then sit at a desk for at least 8 hours, return to traffic, sit in front of the TV and then repeat all of that the next day.

Days then turn into weeks and weeks turn into months. Of course, the culmination of months turns into years and from there the frustration of life is at boiling point.

Why do parents choose their children’s play as being their time to abuse others?

Most parents love their sons or daughters. This is not the issue here but it can seem that they hate them if they are abusing others when they come to watch them play a sport. In reality, if they are consciously choosing to abuse others they are doing it at their youth’s sporting occasion because it reminds them of their time when they were at that age themselves.

Many parents who have children playing sport have played the sport themselves. They may not have had the talent or opportunity that their child now has to express themselves and so they latch on to this newfound ability to be wanted at a sporting occasion for young people and take their frustrations out on others as a result. Consciously, they recognize that they can’t go out and play the game as they are too old and it’s their child’s time to perform but once the competition begins their excitement levels change and calmness can go out the window.

Photo by Xuan Nguyen on Unsplash

How to handle parents verbally abusing you?

Empathy is the solution to this problem. Although it seems like a far-flung idea, it works not just in the short term but in the long term too.

Firstly, you need to appreciate that you are a coach of young people who are playing sport. You are not just a sports coach. Your role is to guide young people and make them better citizens through the process of sport. This role is one that takes a responsible attitude and one that demands leadership qualities if it is to be done correctly. If you are to lead effectively in this situation you need to show empathy for parents who verbally abuse you. That may seem impossible to do when the moment of abuse is being flung your way, but it’s the only way to win the war of words.

Take advantage of the fact that all the other parents can see you on the sideline. Because they are more than likely in the stand, the seats, or behind you and further from the action of the contest, you are going to be placed in a more advanced position that gives you more presence in the whole context of the game. From this vantage point, more people will see your reactions. If you react properly more people will begin to be convinced that your actions are the proper ones to take as a leader.

Remember, you are a leader and you need to lead and to do the hard thing. In this case, it’s stopping the flow of transference. If you react to the verbal abuse in any way other than a positive way you are transferring that verbal abuse back on others.

This is not what great leaders do as you need to do something new and proactive and empathy gives you that.

How to handle parents verbally abusing the players?

As a good coach, you are going to have affection for your team. But the parents that are abusing the team are not concerned about all the other players on the team. They may not be that concerned about their child or if they are, they may feel that the way they verbally abuse a team is a mere form of raising their voices to be heard over others and the actions of the game when it is full motion. Momentary words flung at players often seem justified to some parents as they lose their consciousness of where they are, their position as a leader to their child, and the fact that the sporting occasion is as similar to their time as a young player.

But, these are no excuses to abuse others.

By reinforcing the need for empathy within your team you are making them more mature young players and people, and you are giving them attributes of leadership that they can call from in their time of stress.

How to handle parents verbally abusing the officials?

Officials are supposed to show ultimate empathy. As empathy is about seeing things from another person’s point of view, the rules of a game are supposed to be fair and the officials are just the ones that are championing the rules. The game is not a game without rules. Officials are the ones that enforce those rules so that competition has a place in sport.

As a coach, you need to show your gratitude to the officials before, during, and after games.

All parents will be watching your behavior and if you can show that you support the referee’s position of authority and need for fairness then the officials will respect you and your team more, even if the parents are giving abuse. This can also help you when the officials have a big decision to make in games and that should also help the abusive parents too!

How to handle parents verbally abusing or the opposing team?

Without opposition, you have no competition. You also have no performance. The opposition is the ones who provide the barrier to victory, but they are also the ones who supply your team with the opportunity to showcase their best talent on a given day.

At the beginning and the end of the game, a simple respective gesture such as shaking hands shows that there is s mutual respect for the opposition. This tells the abusing parents ‘we respect them, and they respect us!’.

By increasing the amounts of handshakes and the conversations you have with the opposing team after the game and leading the way in doing it before the opposing team’s coaches you are showing your team and the abusive parents that this is the correct way to lead.

Photo by Samuel Castro on Unsplash

By doing all of these things you`ll be more than a coach you`ll be the abusive parents therapist. If they don’t have one at that stage and they continue to act that way then by the time they go to a therapist they won’t be long getting in touch with you to thank you for being the team and their leader too!