Me And The Mad Hatter
By: Timothy O'Neill
Tags: Spirituality, Fiction, Mad Hatter, Dialogue, Play

Me And The Mad Hatter

A flash play

Image by Bobby Louvre from Pixabay

The Mad Hatter and I sit down for lemonade and cookies as the sun goes down.

Me: This is unusual for you.

Mad Hatter: If one only did what was usual one would still be nursing. One profits greatly from the harnessing of the unusual.

Me: Right. So try new things, basically.

Mad Hatter: Never try new things!

Me: But you just said-

Mad Hatter: I know what I just said, and I meant it. But new things just lead to trouble. You must have a very rigid routine that you never deviate from. Here’s the misunderstanding. You thought I was advocating the doing of unusual things. Not at all! I was advocating being unusual.

Me: And those are different?

Mad Hatter: Much!

Me: This is good lemonade. Tangy.

Mad Hatter: It’s made with a special ingredient. The laughter of lunatics.

Me: I do feel a bit giddy.

Mad Hatter: That’s the laughter.

Me: Should I be worried?

Mad Hatter: It’s harmless. As long as you don’t plan to drive or operate machinery in the next 24 hours. Or to be where people are.

Me: Let me ask you this, and I don’t want you to take it the wrong way…

Mad Hatter: I’ll take it in whatever way I see fit, but please, do your worst.

Me: Are you actually insane?

Mad Hatter: Oh quite. I split from reality, but it was amicable. And I remain on good terms with all forms and figures. I just get a little grumpy when it comes to concepts. Concepts are the worst! Concepts would drive any man to the drink.

Me: You drink?

Mad Hatter: Not a drop. If I was any more loose my muscles would no longer be able to support me. And it fogs up the mind. I like to be crystal clear.

Me: A crystal clear…maniac?

Mad Hatter: I may believe odd things, but when I do I make sure that I understand them inside and out so I can argue my opponents into a state of utter stupefaction.

Me: Can you give me an example?

Mad Hatter: I’ll give you twenty. But what kind are you looking for?

Me: An odd belief of yours.

Mad Hatter: I have none. If I thought they were odd I wouldn’t believe them. But the one that perplexes people most when they encounter it is my firm belief that all of life is a magic trick being pulled off by the most insidious impostor in the history of creation.

Me: That is odd. Tell me more.

Mad Hatter: Nothing more to tell, really. Except to say you had a playdate scheduled.

Me: What?

Mad Hatter: Your minder got together with my minder and they arranged a playdate for us. To drive each other more mad, I’m thinking.

Me: I have a minder?

Mad Hatter: Oh yes. He’s got you by the leash as we speak.

Me: I’m very uncomfortable right now.

Mad Hatter: That’s good. That’s right where I want you. You’d go back to sleep if you were too comfortable.

Me: Why are you taunting me?

Mad Hatter: I could ask you the same question. You who put on a pretence of merriness and levity as you are dragged about on a leash. It strains even my genial strand of credulity. How could this be so? I’m a connoisseur of irony, I love a good juxtaposition and I’m always primed for puzzles, but you making out as if you were free was too much for me to swallow. And I can swallow a lot. Where have all the cookies gone?

Me: I don’t see any leash.

Mad Hatter: Well, I see a leash. And who do you trust?

Me: Me?

Mad Hatter: You’re a bald-faced liar.

Me: (Sigh) I trust you.

Mad Hatter: That’s right. And I see a long leash leading from around your neck up into the twilight realms and I see a ghoulish creature yanking on it and laughing the most dreadful laugh I’ve ever heard.

Me: Worse than the laughter of lunatics?

Mad Hatter: Far worse. This laugh could melt you like acid.

Me: What do I do?

Mad Hatter: Luckily for you, you still have Time on your side. She’s a finnicky creature, always going slow when you want her to speed up and speeding up when you want her to slow down, but if you can coax her onto your side she’ll help you move past all of this.

Me: Really?

Mad Hatter: Oh yes. I banished her from my home long ago for being a pest, but I am told by my friends in high places that she enjoys your company. Tell her to take it easy. You need space to grow.

Me: So I still have a chance?

Mad Hatter: Everybody has a chance, but not everybody realizes it. People see a few drops of rain and they pack up their things and head inside when if they only waited out the shower they would have seen the most beautiful rainbow.

Me: What was your rainbow?

Mad Hatter: A most peculiar question! A hop, skip and jump away from impertinence.

Me: Tell me. Please.

Mad Hatter: My friends were my rainbow. They’re all gone now, but they graced me with their presence and while I had them here with me I could count myself truly blessed. They helped me conquer my fear of the sun. They introduced me to tea. They showed me that it was perfectly all right to be a little mad in a mad world. They loved me for everything I am and everything I dare not be and they nourished my soul with their constant affections. They humbled me, and now that they are gone I am both less and more than I was before I met them.

Me: What a moving tribute.

Mad Hatter: What delightful friends.

Me: What if I don’t survive the rain?

Mad Hatter: You’ll survive. It is only rain, after all.

Me: But that was a metaphor.

Mad Hatter: Was it? I’m not very creative, as a rule.

Me: How long have I been on this leash?

Mad Hatter: You’d have to ask Time for the exact time, but I’d say approximately 13268 days, 14 hours and 5 seconds.

Me: So my whole life?

Mad Hatter: Good golly you’re old!

Me: How old are you?

Mad Hatter: 5,000 days, tops.

Me: Don’t be ridiculous.

Mad Hatter: That’s like asking the sun not to shine. I am patently a few things, and ridiculous is one of them.

Me: Are you free?

Mad Hatter: Freer than I was, not as free as I will be tomorrow.

Me: How?

Mad Hatter: By climbing upwards and learning backwards. I imagine I’m on a mountain and the mountain is comprised of ideas that I’ve been made to believe about things. Each time I climb a little more up the mountain I unlearn something I was taught. At the peak of the mountain is just one idea. The truth. So every day I’m climbing and everyday I’m unlearning until I reach that truth. It’s simple, but it’s a lot of work.

Me: How did you come across this method?

Mad Hatter: This method came across me, believe it or not! I was having breakfast one morning and I couldn’t find the butter for my toast. One must have butter for one’s toast! But it would not reveal itself and I was forced to make do with jam. Then I thought, who says you have to have butter with toast? Why was that in my brain? Where did it come from and why did it have sway over me? That’s when I started envisioning the mountain and all the ideas that I believed and just took for granted.

Me: Do you know what the truth is?

Mad Hatter: Not a clue. But I hope it stuns me senseless with its power and irrefutable awesomeness.

Me: I hope so too.

Mad Hatter: Your minder is tugging on your leash.

Me: I think I can feel it.

Mad Hatter: It was a pleasure.

Me: Indeed. We should do this more often.

Mad Hatter: Not too often. Just the right amount. I have a feeling you might be something of a soporific in large doses.