The Tightrope Act of Being Married to Mental Illness
By: Rachel Stewart
Tags: Mental Illness, Mental Health, Marriage, Relationships

Mental health spans a broad spectrum of diagnoses and experiences. I tiptoed along the perimeter of mental health issues in high school and college without major incident. Retrospect has led me to believe my challenges were more of an identity crisis and not having the words to express my frustration at having what I thought was the wrong personality and characteristics.

Discussions around so many issues were sort of hush-hush just 20 years ago when I had those college encounters with mental illness. Eating disorders, other body issues, and mental illness was never discussed in my circles. There was one girl in my whole dormitory who was known to have been diagnosed as bi-polar and it was usually only mentioned behind closed doors and with a definite air of mystery. Bi-polar in those days carried hints of mental hospitals and psychotic outbursts that were foreign to us.

My grandmother died in her mid-sixties of multiple causes, but largely a deep depression that sucked the life out of her. Still hiding in the shadows, depression was not associated with her life until many years later. I had been unable to spend much time with her in those last few years because I didn’t know how to help her. Mental illness was a mystery and prior to Google, conducting any research was a bit complicated.

Perhaps it was my time working in vocational ministry that exposed me to more widespread mental health issues. Coinciding with that decade of my life, various sectors fought to bring mental health to the forefront with schools, workplaces, sports, men, and others. I’m grateful for this push to educate not only people who were suffering and living a life that felt heavy and dark, but also for those who love the people struggling with anxiety, depression, and other elements.

Dating Mental Illness

When my now-husband told me of his anxiety and depression struggles on one of our early dates I didn’t flinch. I’ve never thought that these things define a person because we all have things in life we carry around. Mine might not be depression or panic attacks, but I still issues I have to bear as my lot in life.

Parents of those dealing with mental health, children of parents with mental illness, spouses, siblings, partners, friends… No one can prepare you for what may come.

How Deep Are You In?

I don’t have children and I’ve never had someone with special needs closely integrated into my life, so I can’t say for sure, but I can draw comparisons from what I do know about those challenges. I am also not categorizing a person as having special needs just because they may have a mental illness diagnosis. What I am saying is that caregivers for those with mental illness are on high alert at all times in a similar way to caring for a person with special needs.

Eggshells or Broken Glass

Years of living with an unexplained edginess (not in a cool way) in my marriage were finally clarified. My stomach was frequently in knots and my jaw would be tight with tension. Being married to mental illness causes me to proceed with caution in conversations, never quite sure what my husband is able to take on if it may lead to higher stress. The funny thing is that it’s impossible to gauge what will be a stressor and that could change from day to day.

Sharing my own challenges is not always an option because my spouse may already have had a rough day and can not handle one more ounce of weight on his shoulders.

One of the mantras I have repeated over and over to Brooks is that we take each day as it comes and find gratitude for whatever he is able to do, to be, and to give. I mean that wholeheartedly and have never put pressure on him to meet any expectations.

Disappointment is probably one of the most common experiences of those caring for loved ones with depression. You make plans — with just yourselves or perhaps with others — that fall through. You must cancel yet again. It’s nearly impossible to communicate that you are disappointed in the situation, not the depressed person. The depressed person feels worse because they feel they let you down which isn’t good for them. And you, the caregiver, push your disappointment aside so as not to exacerbate the depressive person’s struggle. Neither is good or healthy.

This is where the tightrope balancing begins.

The Tightrope of Caring for Loved Ones with Mental Illness

Communicating has proven to be confusing at best. A caregiver will likely tread lightly until they have time to observe how the depressed person is feeling. Is this a good day or a bad day? Answering that question will temper every word that comes out of the caregiver’s mouth.

My struggle throughout my whole life has been less about the actual words coming out of my mouth versus the tone of those words. I work on it a LOT, but it’s still a struggle. With the depressed love of my life I work so hard to speak kindly and gently. On the rough days I am quieter, I don’t ask many questions, I especially don’t ask how he’s feeling too often, and I constantly ask if I can do anything for him.

Internally I’m on edge to not say or do anything that would cause him more pain. I’m doing this dance around my own fast-paced life and navigating the juxtaposition of his dark, deep world. There are times when Brooks will switch to a lighthearted moment and say something sarcastic, which is really just his love language. Because I have been tip-toeing around the land mines I rarely react well when caught off guard with this change of pace.

I lose my balance, he reads that and things go south. I excuse myself from the room because I can’t keep up with the moments. He takes that wrong, like I am mad at him or that I can’t take a joke. The problem is that the words he meant as a joke have been used previously as a serious statement. I’m not a mind reader and I have to separate myself to recalibrate.

Committed to each other, neither of us is going anywhere. The cruel joke, the icing on the cake, the oxymoron is that a spouse caregiver is likely to be both a necessary asset and an antagonist. The ultimate balancing act.

Self-admittedly I am an odd bird. There are many support groups for loved ones of those suffering from mental illness. If this is you, I encourage you to find a group in person or online who will help you maintain your own sanity. You have to be strong to stay in relationship with a depressive and you need to get your own therapy and have a plan to get things out of your head, whether exercise, therapy, art or any number of activities that are life-giving.

Just as you remind the person you love that they are not alone, remember that you are not alone, either.