2020: My year in suya.
By: Abdulhaqq Omoyele
Tags: Lagos, Year In Review, Non Fiction, Nigeria

2020: My year in suya.

The start of my 2020 was lukewarm. Yes, I was one year closer to finishing university but then again, there was the possibility of that virus slipping through Nigeria's very secure borders.

Not a lot was known about the virus at the time and barely anyone was wearing masks. It was around this time the rumours began. "Black people cannot get covid" was a personal favourite.

The sheer misinformation it coupled with everyone's give-no-shits attitude was the perfect representation of where I lived.

Aesthetics wise, my apartment offered me nothing. It's an elusive duplex surrounded by unfashionable buildings and a busy market that sums up all that Lagos is about. A deserted nightclub here and there and a towering hotel that immediately stands out.

One of the key things missing from this mini-village was that one place you could call for food after staying out till 11:30 pm to watch your team get knocked out of the champions league.

I refuse to be one of the people who let bad results or breakups rob them of their appetite so the woman whose boli was stone sprinkled with plantain flavouring (if it exists) was made for nights like this. At least the suya from down the road gave me something to look forward to.

Speaking of suya, here are some of my most memorable suya moments from 2020. Let's do the fun moments first.

1. The royal rumble.

You'd make better use of your time attempting to beat Lagos traffic than trying to guess how non-football nights turned out in my apartment building.

On one of such nights, (almost) everyone sat outside staring into their phones. You could have picked up the sound made by a dropped pin.

Several arguments were brewing on the other side of the building though, so it was no surprise when the debaters finally approached us in search of a moderator.

The arguments went from more serious topics about football to frivolous ones like the ages of Wizkid and Davido. For some reason, it was on this hill my very active friends decided to die on.

As it often happens in arguments of this sort, bets were placed- three thousand naira each.

After all was set and I, whilst knowing the answer myself, consulted google. 3k found its way into my hands and before any protests could be made, I was halfway there. Yes, the suya spot.

Six undergraduate males trying to eat suya from the same paper, what could possibly go wrong?

2. Unlocking my inner scientist.

Everyone knows Lagos suya is small. It’s an element as important as the onions and finding a mai suya who feels no pain at all no matter how many times he has to pick rolls of burning meat off his grill.

University students, especially in our part of Lagos, don’t particularly have billions to spend on suya so finding ways to get as much as you can is not uncommon.

There's the more popular scientifically tested method of simply buying five hundred naira's worth of suya twice instead of buying one thousand naira's worth once. It works, trust me.

A method that works, even more, is the one I discovered (I’m not listening to your dissenting opinions about this).

Lagos state university where I go to has a very small or no Hausa population at all but surrounding areas like Ojo and Iyana Iba do.

So here’s the thing, want to get more suya than you’d typically get? Speak Hausa to the mai suya. You can take advantage of the dark that hangs around the clouds where suya guys like to set-up if you think the mai suya would recognise you. Maybe you didn’t know this, but that’s also why face caps and hoodies were designed.

On the night I told my hypothesis to my roommate and his friend, there were two episodes of wild laughter. First, them laughing at me for assuming my random plan would work and then me laughing at them with nearly two times more suya in my paper than theirs. I know Heisenberg must be proud of my long overdue coming of age.

2020 wasn't all fun and entertainment between my dear suya and I, there were times when shit just went wrong.

3. It happened to Dalton too.

Still on the topic of experiments, in bizarre 2020 fashion, I met a mai suya who repelled my methods.

Yes, I spoke Hausa to him and still got very little suya. Don’t be disappointed yet, even Dalton’s famed atomic theory needed modifications.

One of my biggest missions in 2021 is to fully examine this anomaly and discover modifications of my own. I already have a few things to work with.

First off, it is unclear whether the suya I got was small considering it was my first time buying from him. Who knows if that’s two times what he’d sell to people who speak pidgin or Yoruba to him.

It is also unclear whether or not this guy has a super accent detector that allowed him to seamlessly pick out my accent as the decoy that it is. After all, December 21 came early for some people.

4. No way that’s a Yoruba suya guy.

Two words — yes way.

Before you call me weird for buying suya from a Yoruba man, think of how many times you’ve seen other than a Hausa/Fulani guy selling suya on the streets of Lagos. Exactly, there was no need for me to check.

Speaking Hausa to him is a moment that would make the 2020: my year in awkwardness write-up if I decide to write one.

This guy replied to me in Hausa that sounded more like Yoruba. You should have seen my face.

"No way this is a Yoruba mai suya"

"Was I actually going to buy from a Yoruba mai suya or, in this case, an oni suya?”

A quick thought about the economy and shortage of jobs, coupled with the fact that he already cut pieces of suya up, made me decide to take a leap of faith.

One piece of that filth in my mouth and my face was the "it was at this moment he knew he fucked up" meme. It was that bad.

It was like chewing on a USB cable that had a bit of spice on it. I do not recommend.

Well, there it is; my 2020 suya story.

Everyone writes a year in review and I especially enjoy reading them. I’ve always looked forward to writing one myself. Instead of doing the typical general overhaul, I’ve chosen to keep it super-specific.

I’ve seen 'my year in music' and 'my year in movies' blogs so why not write about my year in suya?

Hopefully, I’d have many more things to write about next year. ✌

🔸🔸🔸🔸🔸