I came across this photograph of me
By: Vedanth Maheshwari
Tags: Beyourself, Self Help, Life, Blog, Nostalgia

Yes, that’s me in the photo! I am so full of emotions right now, I have water in my eyes looking at this photo, it was the annual day at my school when this was clicked. I was all dressed and my dad had clicked it. I have partially pursed my lips in the photo, I don’t remember why though.

I was in the Christmas Nativity Play, after the play we had to speak on the symbols of Christmas. I had to hold up a Christmas tree and shed light on its significance in Christmas. It was the first time I was going to speak in front of so many people, I had always been good at studies but that day I was gonna explore a new dimension of myself — exploring my oratory skills.

Not actually oratory but yeah somewhat, as we were quite young and our teachers had made us mug up the few lines that we had to say, I was really nervous though.

Author’s Photo

I don’t know why I am so emotional right now, but it’s just that I miss that little boy who was full of himself and even a bit snobbish who didn’t care about anyone, just himself. He was untouched by others judgment, spoke his mind bravely without using any euphemism, found joy in the smallest of things, was always full of zeal and curiosity which no one could quench, with a pure heart, who just lived in that moment and didn't care about any consequences. Surprisingly, even as a kid, I had a huge ego in fact I had a bigger ego bubble than I do now.

I am about to turn 20 in March next year but I am not ready. I don’t think anyone is ready to grow. I used to feel like 20 is such a big number…like it will be 20 years since I am on this planet ( no, I am not crying while writing this but just heavy)

I don’t know what to say anymore, I don’t wanna grow up I don’t feel that growth in me which I think should be in a person who’s about to touch 20. I love myself but I do know about my shortcomings, so that’s why all this self doubt.

About the speech, no luckily I didn’t fuck it up; it was okay and thus a very important day in my journey of becoming a good orator, just kidding.

I am always good with words but I can’t describe what I am feeling right now. I am nearing a new part of my life as a young adult but I am not okay with it, it’s not about the change or the responsibilities or the expectations out of me but it’s just me being me and worrying about everything!

People celebrate their birthday, they have a blast on their 20th birthday and Here I am worrying about it 3 months before it. Is age really just a number?

I don’t know, none of this is probably making any sense to you’ll but I don’t care about that. What is the reason for this uneasiness, unmaking myself from a stupid young teenage boy to a young adult man?

This uncertainty is something I despise.

I still am so foolish, I sure have grown a lot, I have evolved as a person but how far have I come, I don’t like this… whatever is going on. I am being forced to grow, agreed age is just a number and time keeps going on but I am not okay with this.

And I know it’s okay to not be okay and that me knowingly not acknowledging the reality is not gonna help.

But I want to say this because this is a weird feeling that I am feeling.

I don’t even know how all of this happening, physics says we experience time. faster as we grow because we don’t experience as stimuli as when we were young.

And there’s nothing I can do, there’s no choice I have, there’s no power I have, there’s absolutely nothing I can do except put on a big curve on my face and embrace all of it so that’s what I am gonna do.

I can’t win against time.

As William Shakespeare aptly puts it in Sonnet 19:

“Devouring Time, blunt thou the lion’s paws, And make the earth devour her own sweet brood; Pluck the keen teeth from the fierce tiger’s jaws, And burn the long-lived phoenix in her blood; Make glad and sorry seasons as thou fleet’st, And do whate’er thou wilt, swift-footed Time, To the wide world and all her fading sweets; But I forbid thee one most heinous crime: O! carve not with thy hours my love’s fair brow, Nor draw no lines there with thine antique pen; Him in thy course untainted do allow For beauty’s pattern to succeeding men. Yet, do thy worst old Time: despite thy wrong, My love shall in my verse ever live young.”

And that is why I am writing