“And Now, My Beauty, I Must Pee”
By: Pat Link
Tags: Short Story, Fiction, Flash Fiction, Relationships, Humor

Photo from Unsplash

“You’re drunk.”

“And possibly throw up as well.”

“Yes, please go before you do one or the other right here on the bar,” Angie replied. Well, one or maybe both of her replied.

Trevor tried his best to walk a straight line to the men’s room through the crowded bar. The loud music and the cacophony of people talking, as well as the massive amount of alcohol he’d consumed, were throwing off his balance.

He finally made it to the facilities and staggered through the door. Stepping up to the urinal, he initiated step one of the peeing, then possibly puking sequence.

“Hey Wallace,” sounded from behind him. He didn’t turn. Couldn’t risk pissing on his shoes. They were expensive.

“Yes? Rather busy at the moment,” he slurred in response. “Be done straight away.”

“I said, hey Wallace,” the voice chimed again, more insistent.

Trevor half-turned. “Wha — ”

White. World went white. Pain. Mouth. Nose. Intense pain. Floor. Why am I on the floor? Is my wanker still out?

He tried with all he had to focus. He was on his knees on the floor. His hand catching a stream of blood pouring from his mouth.

“Hey buddy, are you okay?” a patron asked. “That dude just cold-cocked you and walked out. I ain’t never seen anything like that.”

“Help me up,” Trevor managed.

The man put his hands under Trevor’s shoulders and helped him to his feet. “Erm, you might wanna put your junk away, there.”

With bloody hands, Trevor managed to compose himself and zip up. Another patron ran out a strip of hand-drying towel and passed it to him.

“Here you go, buddy. Your lip, and looks like your nose too, are bleeding pretty good.”

“Thank you,” Trevor managed as he took the paper towel and held it to his nose and mouth.

A large, burly man with a skin-tight t-shirt stormed into the restroom. “What the hell’s going on in here? We got trouble?”

“Erm,” Trevor began as he held the paper towel to his face. “We had some trouble, but he appears to have absconded.”

The bouncer stepped up and examined Trevor’s face. “What’d you do?”

“What did I do? I believe I am guilty of nothing further than using the loo.”

The bouncer looked at him sideways. “And some dude just came up and sucker punched you while you were taking a piss for no reason whatsoever, right?”

“Just my welcome to America, I guess,” Trevor replied as he pulled the paper towel away from his nose and examined it.

“Out of my way! Dammit, let me through!” Angie shoved her way through the crowd that had developed outside the men’s room. “Trevor? My God! No! Are you okay?”

“No worse for the wear, I suppose,” he answered through the paper towel. “But there does appear to be some damage to both my face and my dignity.”

The bouncer stepped toward the restroom door, “Y’all clear on out, there’s nothing to see here,” he shouted at the crowd. “You two,” he said taking both Trevor and Angie by the shoulders. “Come with me.”

He walked them to the front of the bar and out the door to the sidewalk. Releasing his grip on them, he took out his phone and thumbed the buttons.

“We don’t have any cameras near the restroom entrances,” he said. “So, there’s pretty much no chance that we could look at security footage and see who did this.”

“Okay?” Trevor answered, still holding the now bloodied paper towel to his nose.

“So that means there’s no sense in involving the law. I’m calling you an Uber now. He’s going to take you wherever you want to go in the city. My treat.”

“Oh, so my silence is being purchased for the price of an Uber?” Trevor’s voice sounded almost comically nasal with his nose pinched shut.

Angie physically stepped between him and the bouncer. “Let’s just go. We aren’t looking for trouble.”

“Just some medical attention, perhaps?”

“We’ll get you back to your hotel and get you cleaned up. That’s all you need,” she replied as she tentatively touched his nose.

“OW! Shit! That hurt.”

“See? He’s fine. Now, where’s that Uber?”

A car pulled up to the curb. “Silver Impala,” the bouncer said. “That’s your Uber.”

The pair got in the back seat and told the driver to head towards the Airport Holiday Inn. They rode in silence as Trevor continued to check for the bleeding to stop.

Finally, he said, “So does this happen all the time here or am I just lucky?”

Angie sighed deeply. “I probably should have told you.”

“What? Don’t tell me you know something about this.”

“I have a pretty good guess who did this to you.”

“And who might that be, Love?”

“My husband.”

Trevor coughed and then shrieked at the pain it caused. “Husband?”

“Mhm. Kevin. He’s my husband. Well soon to be ex-husband. But yeah, he’s done this before. And I saw him in the bar, making a b-line for the door when the commotion started.”

“Really? Well, I must say I’m…I’m speechless. Husband.”

They continued their ride in silence for a few more minutes.

“Airport Holiday Inn,” the Uber driver announced.

“Yes. Thank you,” Trevor answered. “Let me off here at the lobby and take this person wherever she wishes to go. Perhaps Kevin’s house. Good-bye Angie. Have a nice life.”

He exited the car and scurried into the hotel lobby, finally discarding his bloody paper towel in a waste bin near the door.