Normalize Mommy Burnout
By: Stephanie Dorsay Rondeau
Tags: Children, Parenting, Moms, Motherhood, Stress

Normalize Mommy Burnout

Photo by Standsome Worklifestyle on Unsplash

Lets face it: moms right now are more tired than ever.

The world is in upheaval, we are smack in the middle of a crippling pandemic, children are in and out of school with little predictability, we are vastly separated from what villages we had, and we are struggling.

Yet still, the cliché phrases of motherhood are thrown at us from every direction.

“The days are long but the years are short.”

“Enjoy every moment.”

While the former seems to be very much true, it’s often the implication that because time will fly by, it’s not ok to harbor any negativity about these days or years at all. And while a wistful “enjoy every moment” from a elderly woman in the grocery store can be well-intentioned, it can also grind salt into the wound of the mother who is trying to remove a hysterical toddler from the germ infested floor. No, she will not enjoy that moment, thank you very much.

Sometimes these phrases feel more like mom shaming than encouraging, and when they come from other women (many who are mothers themselves), it can sting even more.

But the truth is this: It’s ok to not love every moment.

Its ok to want just one hour, one day, one week to yourself, with no one tugging at your shirt or staring at you, eating a snack while you use the bathroom. It’s ok to feel burnt out, exhausted, frustrated, and emotionally drained. (Conversely, it’s also ok to want all of these things and then miss all of it viscerally when you do get that time to yourself). And it needs to become ok to not only feel these things but to talk about them out in the open.

Moms are tired.

I’m tired.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my children. I love being a mom more than anything in the whole entire world. My children are my entire soul, of that I have no doubt. But that doesn’t take away from the exhaustion of parenting during this pandemic, nor of parenting in general.

It is perfectly acceptable for a woman to feel as though becoming a mother is the greatest thing she has ever done and to simultaneously feel like some days are the most difficult days she has ever endured. And there is nothing that moms need less on those extremely difficult days than for some stranger in the mall to tell her to enjoy it as her child is licking the floor or rage-screaming in a public space about getting a new toy.

The fatigue of motherhood is deep and unrelenting in normal times. Add in quarantine, uncertainty about school and work, never ending stress and fear about the health of those you love, and we’re in for a perfect storm of mommy burnout.

So moms, if you are struggling right now, know that it is ok. This feeling of pure exhaustion needs to be recognized and normalized. We don’t need words of wisdom, what we need is support from those around us. Support that not every moment is meant to be enjoyed. Yes, the years will go by lightning fast, but if you find yourself in an endless day or week where things feel so hard, it’s ok to stop and cry and ask for help. If you feel like you can’t hold it together for yourself and everyone around you, that’s ok. If you feel like you just want to close your eyes for 5 minutes of quiet, that doesn’t make you bad mom, it makes you a mom.

While we are all separate right now, we need to realize that we are all in this together. Moms need to support moms. Let each other cry and complain, then be there in the next minute to fawn over cute photos and video clips. Normalize all of the feelings of being a mom, even (especially) the hard ones, and support one another unrelentingly. And if you are that mom right now, know that I’ve got you. We’re in this together. No matter how hard today is, you’re not alone.

And for everyone else, the next time you see a struggling mom in the store, remember that an understanding smile or quick word of support can go a long way. It would be best if we had some sort of secret mom handshake that said “We’ve all been there” or even “Wine later?”, but unfortunately that hasn’t caught on yet.

So whatever you do, for the sake of moms everywhere, please don’t tell her to “enjoy every moment”.

Now let’s figure out that handshake, shall we?