One way or another……
By: Somer Harding
Tags: Children Health, Parents, Behavior Change, Parenting Advice, Parenting

Something really important for parents to keep in mind is that for most human beings; when they don’t have power, they seek attention. Attention gets you power. If you’re a kid, you have no power at all except your ability to get attention. It is your currency. It is how you get your needs met.

If parents just understood this one thing, all other decisions that they make, in terms of what to do and when, would be answered:

Kids will get your attention, one way or another.

We all can imagine the two-year-old child throwing a temper tantrum. They are exerting their ability to get your attention through a loud voice, a sad face, tears and maybe stomping of feet or throwing things. This is familiar and we don’t react so much because it is rather expected of a two-year-old, at least at times.

Now, imagine the 14-year-old girl that starts wearing black eyeliner pretty heavy, she responds to your conversations with a roll of her eyes, changes friends unexpectedly and suddenly. This should be seen as the same attempt to get your attention as the two-year-old. It is a behavioral response to feel heard, and an effort to get a perceived need met that perhaps she doesn’t even really understand.

The more we can communicate to our children that we are there to meet their needs, that we enjoy paying attention to them, that we are interested in their thoughts and feelings the more children will feel connected to us as their parents. Children don’t mind limits. They thrive when they understand where the boundary line is drawn in your family. Once they know where that line is, they can relax, allowing you to be in charge and caring for them. They can focus on their attention only on learning and playing things they enjoy.

There are two common mistakes that parents make. The first is thinking that the amount of attention, the amount of time required for attention, is not something that they can fit into their schedule. The second is thinking that placing limits on a child will cause negative behaviors that they can’t handle.

Let’s think about time for attention. The concept that many parents do not realize is that it is not the length of time that attention is given, it is the quality of time and the consistency that this experience is provided. It is perfectly reasonable and accurate to describe the hours of 3–8 pm in a parents life as very busy. There are after school activities, sports, chores, dinner, bathtime, and bed. You can look at a family calendar with 3 children and it is a complex system of who-does-what-when scribbles. When you tell a busy parent that they need to pay more attention to their kids, they think that is what they are doing with all of these activities, and you will likely make them cry.

Quality attention is very different. It is defined and commonly attached to a behavior that a parent is looking for. This behavior could be homework completion, or a clean room, or maybe a positive attitude first thing in the morning. Whatever it is, the parent sets aside 10-minutes of time at a predictable time of the day and declares that time to belong only to that child. It can be fun if the parent gets dramatic and makes a big fuss for no one to bother them because they are spending their time with their son/daughter. I encourage parents to be silly with it, have fun, put on a performance. The child will know it is a performance, but that makes it all the more enjoyable because it is for them. Set a timer and do whatever it is that child wants to do with you. I want the child to feel that the house could be burning down and that parents aren’t going to budge (figuratively speaking) until that 10-minutes is up. When it is over, the parent shares what a good time they had and that they are really going to be looking forward to doing it again the next day. That feels very different from driving someone to a soccer game. That feels very different to a parent being irritated after 45 minutes because the child is whining and crying that nothing is enough and they want more. Set the structure. Set the timing, Set the duration. Then make a point of really enjoying this time spent. If you get anxious about all the other things you have to do, tell yourself, “It is just 10 minutes and they deserve it.”

The second common mistake is being afraid of bad behavior. You don’t need to be afraid of that. If you have something that you know your child wants (attention) and they are behaving badly to get it, all you do is say, “Oh my goodness, I so very much wish I could spend that wonderful time with you that we both enjoy so much, but right now, you aren’t ready for that. Be sure to let me know when you are ready to talk.” I can’t promise you that this might not cause an escalation in their behavior because it most certainly might, but you just ignore it. The thing to remember, at the very first sign of their efforts to regulate their behavior, even if it is just because they are exhausted and trying to catch their breath, you say, “I LOVE the way you are taking those deep breaths, they are really going to help you.” Sometimes you can even throw that comment in when they haven’t tried to catch their breath as a reminder of something they can do to make a transition back to a calm body. Ignore the bad behavior and encourage the micro-steps to get to the good behavior. Provide a lot of reinforcement, positive comments, for anything that is good. You need to know that escalations or just that, just a quick speed up to see if they can get through to you to give them what they want. It isn’t who they are. It isn’t how they are going to act forever. It is just for your benefit, at that moment, because it is the most direct way to get your attention. If you give in, you only teach them how many escalations it takes. If they get your attention on the 7th escalation, next time they will come prepared to have 10 or 15. Ignore the bad behavior, keep them safe, stay calm, don’t make eye contact, and listen for any sign that they are trying to regulate themselves. You will not have this level of bad behavior again if they know where your boundaries are. The escalations are them trying to find out where you are going to draw the line. Don’t be afraid of bad behavior, be ready to address bad behavior so it goes away.

Attention-seeking behaviors do not mean your child is bad, dishonest, horrible, or of bad character. They do mean they are being manipulative, as all children are. They have no power. Zero. None. Imagine how you would feel if you had absolutely no power to get your needs met. You would try everything too. Understand that this is normal and expected and it is how you respond to it that makes all the difference in the world. All people have their own personalities, and some are more challenging than others, but think about time and attention through the lens of quality and consistency and you will have a different mindset at the moment when your child challenges you.

As you need something to keep your mind feeling positive in those tougher moments, remember what Antoine de Saint-Exupery wrote in The Little Prince:

“It’s the time you spent on your rose that makes your rose so important…People have forgotten this truth, but you mustn’t forget it. You become responsible forever for what you’ve tamed. You’re responsible for your rose.”