Why I Am So Thankful I Did Most of My Parenting Before Social Media
By: Dena Write-Solutions
Tags: Children, Self Improvement, Relationships, Family, Parenting

I remember well the days of being a new parent

I remember walking into my son’s room one night to find my husband staring into the crib with a look of absolute awe.

Thinking it was a beautiful moment of wonder about our precious one, I whispered, “What are you doing?”

He looked up, as if from a daze and said, “Do you realize we are keeping him alive? Us?”

“We couldn’t keep plants alive, and now this helpless little human is counting on us?”

Honestly, I think at that moment he was ready to call in the pros. You know, like when you start a home improvement project and realize you are in way over your head?

You head to Angie’s List for someone who might have a clue what they are doing. Except that wasn’t an option. We were it.

We were the best chance the poor kid had of not just surviving but thriving.

Update on that: he is 26 now, has found a career he loves, and is an all-around decent human being. Turns out, we did better with kids than we did with plants. I remember what it was like to constantly worry about messing up. What if the next mistake we made would be the one that left some forever mark?

More kids came along, and our confidence grew just a little. I still felt overwhelmed and lost half the time.

Then there were our friends, family, and neighbors

You can’t help but compare yourself and your kids. We all encounter those people who genuinely think they have it all figured out. The parents who dare to say “my child would never….”

But this was back when those comparisons and judgments were limited to people we had real relationships with (and a few snotty comments at the grocery store; I was not going to be held hostage to a 2-year-old tyrant over gummy worms, and he could just scream, kick, and thrash it out. The worms were staying on the shelf!).

What I can’t wrap my brain around is how hard it has to be on parents today

Surely they struggle with the same insecurities, fears and those moments of wanting to call in the professionals. Unfortunately, they do it in an age when everyone’s perfect parenting story is right there on social media, mocking them.

Birthday parties for 2-year-olds now look like something out of a children’s fantasy story. When our oldest turned two, we invited friends and family to a local park. We had cake and cups and napkins with Tonka trucks on them. We served fruit punch full of red dye, corn syrup and additives no one could pronounce.

The kids were given cheap squirt guns and access to the water fountain. We thought it was a roaring success. There were balloons too, and — gasp! — we let the kids play with them. Today, I am not sure I would have the courage to post those pictures.

Don’t get me wrong. There are some parents I deeply admire who are putting it all out there on social media and keeping it real. Yes, there are the adorable pictures of their kids at the county fair, and posed family photographs where they had to take 2,439 shots to get one where everyone looked at the camera and smiled at the same time.

But, some of these brave parents are also posting about (sometimes complete with video or pictures) the grocery store melt-downs; those who are admitting “I am too tired to move, and I fed my kid M&Ms and french fries for dinner.” I applaud you.

Thank you for having enough self-confidence to put the real stuff out there for those who don’t have the courage.

See, I am pretty sure I am one of the ones who would not have had the courage.

I would have silently watched everyone else’s perfect parenting styles, saw their sweet sleeping babies who they cuddled while they wore actual clothes and make-up, and then stared down at my own spit-up-stained sweat pants and thought, ‘I don’t have a clue what I am doing.’

I spent enough time doing that without Pinterest and Instagram to show me just how much I didn’t know.

So, to the new, or newish, parents out there who are worried about the less-than-Pinterest-perfect birthday party, who yelled back at your toddler this morning, who fed your kids frozen waffles for dinner last night because it is the only food group that doesn’t inspire full-on riots right now, lean in close and listen:

It is okay. You are doing this job, and it is thankless and HARD!

If your kids are fed, clothed, safe, and know how much you love them, then you are doing a good job.

Stop worrying about what the latest parenting trend says you should be doing.

Stop worrying about giving your kid too many things, or not enough things.

Give yourself some grace and accept that you won’t always get it right.

Accept that everyone messes up. Stay away from the people, whether on social media or in real life, who keep telling you THEY don’t.

We have all gotten it wrong, and you will too

Those parenting gurus on social media are NOT telling you the whole story. They are showing you a one-dimensional aspect of parenting — a snapshot; one moment out of a day that may have been sunshine and rainbows and ponies pooping glitter as they danced across the candy bridge.

It could have also been a day where they didn’t get enough sleep, they are worried like crazy because their kid flunked another reading test, and they had a screaming match with their spouse in front of the kids this morning.

My point is that they are leading real lives too, but the REAL part isn’t making its way to Instagram.

I am, as I said in the beginning, so thankful my younger self did not have to raise kids in the age of social media. I didn’t have the confidence I do now. I had enough self-doubt without a never-ending feed of all the ways I was doing it wrong.

I admire young parents today who are not letting social media dictate how they raise their kids.

Whether you put your half-naked toddler digging in a mud puddle in your un-mowed backyard up on Facebook or not is up to you, but I hope you did take a picture. I hope you laughed.

Parent-shaming

We need to put a stop to it — NOW!

I want to call a cease-fire to all parent-shaming. It is truly one of the most despicable things I see going on in our society today. Keyboard warriors tucked safely behind their usernames so easily criticize other parents for any choice that doesn’t coincide with their most current beliefs about proper parenting.

What I have read:

“By telling a child ‘no,’ you are shattering all trust in a parent/child bond. Your child will never fully trust adults because they will only see them as the cause of all the things they were denied.”

“I would never, under any circumstances, leave my 10-year-old home alone. Even if it was just to walk around the block. With that type of negligence, you shouldn’t be allowed to keep your kids.”

“I work full-time, volunteer 20 hours a week and meal plan. My children always have healthy and delicious food choices. They have never eaten processed food.”

There is not an eye roll emoji big enough. Stop. That. Nonsense.

If there is some part of parenting you feel secure in, then use that to help someone else

I guarantee you will feel a lot better about yourself (and be a less despicable human being) not making fun of the mom who brought Cheetos as an after-game snack. If you are so arrogant that you don’t think you make mistakes in parenting, then it is your children I worry about.

Can you imagine the good that could come out of social media if we used it to support and prop one another up?

How terrific would it be to have a support system at your fingertips 24/7 when you are in over your head?

I know there are some great parenting FB groups out there

Even in these groups, most people hold back with truly heavy stuff. Sometimes it is out of fear of being shamed, or guilt because they know they dropped the ball on this particular part of parenting.

In the end, I think it is because they are our kids. As much as we would love for someone to give us advice and tell us how to make this part or that part easier, deep down we know that we are the only ones qualified to make the tough calls for our children.

Re-naming old parenting styles into things like helicopter and free-range parenting is just another way of saying we all do it differently. That isn’t wrong.

We come from different places and cultures, and we are raising different children.

Do your own thing, and do not worry about what social media says about it

Even the so-called scientific studies are usually rubbish. Wait a few years, and today’s parenting facts will make us all laugh that anyone ever believed them.

Let me reiterate: if your kids have their basic needs met and they know they are loved, then you are doing a good job.

Reach out and help others

All the parent-shaming keyboard warriors need to unite. Do something constructive. Since you know so much about children and parenting, get off of social media and go volunteer at children’s shelters, teach parenting classes, or help your neighbor who might be struggling since her husband left.

Find a constructive outlet for your infinite wisdom that might benefit society.

Last, but not least, for those of us who have some experience at this parenting thing (and the wrinkles, gray hair and laugh lines to prove it) start reaching out to the young parents around you. Let them know they are doing a good job and make genuine offers of help.

You remember the blessed value of a nap when your 5-month-old still wasn’t sleeping through the night and your toddler was up at 6:00 am every day. So, offer to come rock a baby and/or play with a toddler while Mom or Dad get an hour’s nap. Sometimes it requires even less.

The meltdown

I remember having two under the age of three in the grocery store with me. I had no choice, as we were out of everything. Of course, they both melted down simultaneously about 1/3 of the way through. I was trying to soothe the baby and convince the toddler to stay in the buggy for five more minutes. I am pretty sure I had already offered a pony and a car as soon as he could drive.

Frayed, sweaty, exhausted and on the verge of joining my toddler in a full-on meltdown, I finally made it to the line. The lady behind me started helping unload my cart as I was busy trying to keep the toddler from hurling things toward the conveyor.

This sweet soul, once my groceries were unloaded, made the usual remarks about how “precious” my babies were.

Then, she said, “Sweetie, I was watching you while you shopped. You are so patient. You are doing a great job with them.”

I can promise you that I felt none of those things, but it meant so much to me, in that moment, for her to say that.

I felt like every mom in the world knew some secret I didn’t about making this easier. Just those few moments of help and a few kind words changed the trajectory of my day. Maybe I looked more together than I felt? Maybe it was hard to go to the store, solo, for most parents with kids the same age?

I think you get my point by now. Yes, some parents genuinely don’t do parenting well, and they are incapable of putting the needs of their children above their own. I am not talking to them because they wouldn’t bother to even read an article like this.

I am talking to the parents who are trying…

This is for the parents who genuinely want the best for their children and are terrified they are messing it up. You are not alone.

What you feel, most parents have felt at some point.

Forget the perfect popsicles made with all-natural, fresh-squeezed fruit juice that you are decorating with tiny pieces of organic fruit. Cut open an ice pop, and go play with your kids.