A Remembrance of My Father
By: Mark Raines -- California Thor
Tags: Family, Dads, Funerals

Today, the stairway of my parents’ home is lined with all of the framed accolades my father received that week, including letters from the President, Senators, and other dignitaries. There are also framed photos of all the places he served as an executive or commanding officer, along with images of the ships he served on during war and peace times. There are military men and women still serving around the globe who worked for my dad. By every account I’ve heard, my father was an excellent military officer, tough but fair. He expected a 110% effort because he gave 110% himself.

The downside of my Dad’s military career is that he was gone on ship duty or military travel for much of my brother and my childhoods. My mom, Danny and I kind of grew up together while Dad was away. Since his retirement, he has more than made up for that missed time with us, but one of the saddest stories he told at his retirement ceremony was the day he came home from sea duty, and I did not recognize him. But he said things turned around when he gave me a present he brought back for me, and then he said I kind of liked him. That probably is also a good window into our lifelong, complicated relationship. Growing up I resented Dad for not being there, causing us to move so much, and coming home and trying to run our family like a ship or one of his commands.

He expected the same 110% from us he expected from his crew. And, just like him, I tended to speak my mind and tell him even as a teen what I thought of his leadership strategies. That also led to me being grounded a lot in my room growing up, which I attribute to helping me to become a good reader, so I kind of have Dad to thank for that too. In recent years, he often referred to me as his “straight shooter,” because I’ve always told him exactly what I think. Dad and I also regularly clashed on career and lifestyle decisions — he was more of a head thinker, I’m more of a heart thinker. He chose engineering, the military and financial stability; I chose television performance, journalism, teaching, and the questionable finances that come with all of that. The joke in our family for a long time was not WILL Dad and I argue, but how long will I be in the house before we argue.

But things changed in the last ten years. My own personal health struggles and spiritual development in church softened me to see where my Dad was coming from related to the stress, hurt, and experiences from his military service and from his family growing up, but Dad also softened a great deal when he became a grandfather or “Duck” as Hannah and Justin call him due to his Donald Duck impersonation. Dad has also softened in the past six years as Mom has battled ovarian cancer, and he and I have spent a lot of time alone through her multiple hospital stints and my extended stays at home to help. But when I say he softened, just know that he was still the stubborn Navy Captain who always wanted things done exactly the way he wanted.

My dad’s career in the Navy is enough to make him an American hero. But, to me, my dad is a hero because of how he has served our family in these past six years taking care of my Mom. Dad served 24 hours a day, 7 days a week as my mom’s primary caregiver as she has battled cancer since the end of August 2013. Dad was with Mom at every step of this fight: every doctor appointment, every hard night, every difficult day, every meal, every cancer treatment, every two-hour commute to every medical appointment, every moment of good news, and every moment of sad news. My brother and I have tried to be with our parents as much as possible during this time, but Dad was on the front line with Mom the entire time. We owe a lot of her ability to survive and persevere in this painful and scary time to our Dad. I think one of the reasons I’m not married today is because I haven’t found the kind of devoted love my parents have for each other.

I want to share two quick stories that I will always remember about my Dad. When I was in high school I was cast in the junior class play at a new school. Unlike some schools, our plays were big school wide events that included football players, cheerleaders and kids of all types. I had to design my own costume, and I asked Dad if I could borrow several things of his including a button down shirt with a front pocket, glasses, and pants, without telling him about my character. When I came on stage as a big loud nerd character the first night with my parents in the front row, dressed in my dad’s clothes but with the pants hiked high, tape on the glasses and using a outlandish nerd voice like Erkel from Family Matters before Erkel existed, no one was laughing or clapping harder than my Dad. And after the show he smiled so big and gave me so much praise, and I think it was the first time he believed that I could possibly make it in this world through a more creative path than he had intended for me.

This past year, I have been living with my parents on sabbatical leave while attending full time college online and helping with Mom’s care. And a lot of our time has been spent in doctor and medical appointments, and almost without fail in every new appointment, my Dad bragged on us: how mom has bravely battled ovarian cancer for six years, his son Danny the retired Air Force Lt. Colonel currently working as a civilian at the pentagon for the Joint Chiefs of Staff, his daughter-in-law Jessica a Colonel in the Air Force Reserves, his extremely smart and caring grandchildren Hannah and Justin, and then he’d point to me and say “ my son Mark is a high school teacher in San Diego and in 2007 he was named the top new career technical teacher in the nation” And I’m so blessed that Dad and Mom were able to be there in Las Vegas to see that happen.