Get Ready, Britain — You’ll Be Our Fifty-First State Soon.
By: Dr John Grierson
Tags: Britain, Colonialism, Humour, USA, Statehood

Given that you Brits are not capable of electing a government with any smarts at all, we have a message from our Chiefs of Staff. Not the ex-pres, nor the will-be pres because they are too busy. The UK will, immediately, become the USA’s fifty-first state. You can keep your Royal Family, because they are pretty well useless anyway, and the Queen can do her thing as Head of the state of Britain. Not Head of State. Head of the state. The fifty-first. Kinda like the Governor. The following regulations and, kinda, rules and stuff, are hereby promulgated:

1. The Union Flag is to be folded up and put in museums. Even we Yanks know that the Union Jack is only flown on ships, but in any event, the stars and stripes will be flown there too. On the one remaining ship. All businesses with sewing machines will be put to work making a new American flag, with another star sewn in there somewhere. That will give you at least some form of industry.

2. You will immediately stop all that insulting cultural appropriation. You have copied or actually taken our food, our music, our movies, our clothes, our missiles. Actually, come to think of it, cancel that regulation. You have it all, anyway, so just keep it. We’re all Americans now.

3. Your soldiers, all two dozen of them, will now be permitted to salute whenever the hell they like and whether or not you or anyone else is wearing a hat or a cap. Think John Wayne. In anything. And while on the subject of soldiers, we did think about just invading to make the situation clear but as your armed forces transport now consist of an old truck, a rowboat and a paraglider, with those twelve combined soldiers, sailors and airmen, having to share the two muskets, we thought, nah, what the heck. You’ll get the message.

4. We will shortly tell you which day we will designate as “Thank you America Day”. That will be the day on which you give proper thanks for having been rescued by the USA twice in the same goddam century. If it has not been for the Uncle Sam, you have been sucking on sauerkraut for a few decades, and then slurping borscht until 1989. Oh, by the way fellahs, as for that warm piss you call beer? Go ahead, keep drinking it. It’ll keep you nice and flaccid. There are enough of you as it is. Keep drinking Coke. It’s great for your teeth.

5. Given that your Government has been intent on committing some kind of economic suicide through that hopeless farage called Brexit, the British Isles will be towed back to be re-anchored off the coast of France where they belong. Holy cow, what were you thinking? Never mind the European Union — we have never really understood what that’s about, but as our fifty-first state, we will need an adjacent outlet for the good ol’ American prodooce we will be growing on those moors, or fells or wealds or wolds or whatever cockamamie name you have for fields.

6. Buildings everywhere will start on the first floor, at ground level. As much of your ground seems to be sliding into the sea, the idea that the first floor is called the ground floor is just plain silly. And as for “lifts”, that will be reserved for short-asses who want to make themselves look taller. All devices which carry stuff including you folks up and down buildings will henceforth be called by what they are — elevators.

7. Beyond that, we don’t care a rat’s ass how you spell words. Spell them any way you damned well want, because soon enough your computers etc., will be programmed to do things the All- American way, via Microsoft, Apple, Google, Face-thing, Tweet-tweet, and so on.

8. You will start, immediately, calling phones by what they are; cell-phones. Mobile phones are just phones you can carry around, and that includes the handsets attached to telephone lines. Get real.

9. You will, of course, be abandoning the pound and using proper money; the mighty US dollar. As for calling your small change “pee” that stops right here, right now. Dollars and cents. So much better, and not rude. Twenty pee? Fifty pee? What?

10. We will deal with Ireland. Such doggone nonsense to have two of them. We think that the best plan will be to proceed with towing England, Scotland and Wales back to the Channel, but the entire island of Ireland can stay where it is and fight it out. Do what you like with pissant things like the Isle of Man and the (really French) Channel Islands.

11. What about that national anthem of yours? We sure don’t want God not to save the Queen, but come on. It’s all about England really, which gets Scotch and Welch panties in a wad, and so, to save you from having to think up a British song, we’ll all be singing “Oh, say can you see …?

12. That will do for now. Remember, when you stand up to sing that anthem, to place your right hands on somewhere near your heart. We know what you Limeys can be like.