This Is the Single Most Attractive Quality a Person Can Have
By: Emma Austin
Tags: Relationships, Life, Sex, Self, Dating

I’ve heard my whole life that women find a sense of humor really attractive. I do think that’s true, but I don’t think everyone really knows what it means.

I know a lot of guys think that’s a thing we say when we’re being patronizing. Like we’re trying to pander to them when what we really want is a really tall guy with strong hands.

But I think that’s because they miss what women mean when we say that. We’re not attracted to people with a sense of humor because it means they’re funny. We find it attractive because it says a lot about what kind of person they are.

That’s why the kind of humor someone has really makes a big difference.

If someone’s catty and bitchy, snarking on everyone and acting like they’re always permanently on a roast panel, that can make them really funny. I’m not gonna sit here and pretend I don’t get a good laugh from a decent take-down. But it’s not the kind of humor that makes me feel more attracted to someone.

For one thing, spending too much time trashing things can make you focus too much on the negative and on the nastier parts of your personality. But also, it just doesn’t feel very reassuring to be with someone who is always in that mode. It always makes me feel like the judgment behind those jokes is bound to be aimed at me sooner or later. And when it does, it’s going to come across more malicious than playful. It won’t feel like teasing — it’s just going to feel bad.

Some people also have a one-sided sense of humor. They know they’re funny. They just don’t recognize when you are.

That doesn’t really do it for me, either. When you’re laughing all night with someone, it’s not usually because they’re hilarious. It’s because you’re both engaged and involved.

That’s why banter can be fun and exhilarating. It’s something you’re both taking part in. You’re joking together, escalating the humor, expending all your creative energy. It bonds you like crazy, which is why you will always become fast friends with someone if you can make each other laugh, but you won’t have that kind of powerful attraction to them if they’re the ones doing all the joking.

When I say that a sense of humor is a really attractive quality in someone, I mostly mean one thing. I mean that I’m really into people who can laugh at themselves.

That quality is basically essential for me, but I also think it’s one that most people find highly attractive and for good reasons.

It’s not just because I want to be able to laugh with someone or because I feel more connected when I do. It’s also because it can be a really good sign of their character.

Vulnerability Is Hot

The last time I had a serious crush, it was over a guy who could give me all sorts of butterflies by just sending a few texts.

I thought about him pretty much constantly. Whenever we weren’t talking, I looked forward to hearing from him again. I would spend way too much of my time thinking of little anecdotes I could tell him when he was available again.

But despite the cheery, positive, and hopeful attitude I had for us, I had a hard time being comfortable with him.

I was flustered by his attention and found myself working a little too hard to get it. I felt highly self-conscious because I liked him a lot and really wanted him to like me back.

The biggest reason I couldn’t feel comfortable, though, is that he couldn’t take any teasing, no matter how mild it was.

I only tease people I like, and I honestly can’t help it. It’s how I give verbal affection, how I express love, and how I show someone that I’ve completely let them into my life.

When someone likes me back, the reaction is usually to laugh, to tease me back, or to have some other kind of playful reaction.

My crush wouldn’t do any of that. Usually, he would just get defensive.

It got to a point where I started wondering if I was laying it on too thick. I asked myself if I was secretly mean, I looked up articles on how to know if you’re teasing or just being a jerk, and I even wrote one of my own so I could really sort out my thoughts.

But even when I went easy on him, it wasn’t quite enough. The most gentle teasing about his taste in music or a little quirk of his could shift the tone of our conversation. The flirty exchange would come grinding to a halt and he would start explaining himself, dredging up excuses, or very seriously explaining his tastes to me like he needed to convince me that my teasing was misinformed.

So there I was, flexing my love language and he would start acting like he was on trial.

And it sucked because I never felt like I could say all the things I wanted to say. I held back, bit my tongue, and kept so many things to myself. I was always on guard, never comfortable or fully relaxed, because I worried about how he would take anything I said.

Needless to say, things didn’t last with him. For other reasons, not because I couldn’t tease him. But that was still a big deal. There was no way what we had (whatever it was) could’ve gone very far because it’s incredibly difficult to get close to someone who isn’t able to be vulnerable.

When someone can’t laugh at themselves, it’s hard to sustain your attraction for them because it feels like neither of you can fully open up. Their defensiveness keeps you from bonding and connecting in a deeper and more meaningful way.

Everyone has insecurities and that’s completely understandable. But when someone can’t laugh at themselves, it shows that they haven’t really figured out how to handle those insecurities, how to manage them, or how to express them in a healthy way.

It Takes a Lot of Humility to Be Confident

Last year, I posted an ad online looking for love and romance. I missed having someone I could just text with, talk to, and look forward to hearing from. So, I went to Reddit, put all my details in a post, and weeded through all the private messages that flooded my inbox.

One of them stood out. His response put a smile on my face and won me over. I wrote back to him and we started exchanging emails.

He seemed to have a really good sense of humor. He was good at teasing and every email I got from him made giggle.

Except when things got weird.

His strangely aggressive emails didn’t happen too often at first. They felt unusual and out of character. But when they became more frequent, I started to notice a pattern.

Fine dining and BDSM were his thing. They were the two things he was really knowledgeable about, or at least quite experienced with.

They were also the things he couldn’t stand jokes about.

I jokingly asked him what his thoughts were about pineapples on pizza (hate me if you will, but I find them incredibly delicious). He replied with a long, heated rant accusing people of being close-minded, including me for even asking the question. He then listed some of the exotic things he’s baked on top of pizzas, as if that made his rant more reasonable.

I made a mental note to avoid talking about food with him. The trouble is, because of my job (and the whole reason I posted a personal ad in the first place) the subject of sex kept coming up. And by extension, kink.

I joked that I had been hesitant to try bondage ever since reading Gerald’s Game. Like my pineapple pizza comment, that elicited a lengthy lecture with a very angry tone to it.

And that’s when it really clicked for me. These two subjects were matters of pride to him. The kinky chef needed to make it clear that he was skilled at cooking and bondage and couldn’t handle any insinuations to the contrary.

He needed to constantly lay down his knowledge because he wanted to hold firm to his position as the expert — as the guy who knows his shit and knows it well.

He could laugh about so many things. He could handle being teased about so much. But with these two things, he was all pride and no humility.

And don’t get me wrong here, pride is great. Pride is a hot quality in someone. It shows confidence and a sense of self-worth. But pride needs a tinge of humility to make it attractive. And when someone can’t laugh at themselves, it usually signals that they don’t have it.

Accountability and Responsibility

Another reason I value someone’s ability to laugh at themselves is that it usually signals that they’ll be good at apologizing and taking accountability for their actions.

I’ll admit I don’t have any hard science to back this one up. But it’s a correlation I’ve noticed in my own personal experience. The people who can’t seem to handle a little playful teasing or can’t make jokes at their own expense are usually the ones who will do whatever it takes to avoid owning up to their mistakes.

If I was to guess why, I’d say it’s because being able to laugh at yourself and taking responsibility both involve a willingness to look at yourself honestly and objectively.

When you look at anything objectively, there’s something silly about it. Everything has an absurd side to it.

That includes everything I’m into.

I’m a grown-ass woman who likes to dress like a teenager and rewatch YA series when I’m feeling grumpy. That’s a big part of who I am and it’s deeply meaningful to me, but it’s also kind of funny.

So is the kind of sex I’m into. My idea of great sex starts with me tied to the bed while I’m being tickled by a feather. It’s hot as hell, it turns me on like crazy, but it’s definitely silly when you think about it.

And I listen to lots of Taylor Swift and I let it give me all the feels while being fully aware that it makes me basic as hell.

And that’s fine. You can (and should) love the things you love unapologetically, even if you’re aware that they can seem kind of silly.

When you’re caught up in your own image, though, you try really hard to do whatever it takes to reinforce it. And that includes not laughing at yourself. Laughing at yourself is almost like giving other people permission to see the absurdity in your life, your hobbies, and your passions. And that’s unbearable for people who desperately want to maintain an aura of perfection.

And often, they’re also the ones who can never do wrong. Or rather, who want to present themselves as never doing wrong.

They can’t take a step back and look at the things they’ve done more objectively. They can’t see how their words or actions might have affected others. They also struggle to see how you might be hurt by something they did despite having the best of intentions.

And the last thing you want when you try to hold someone accountable is for them to use everything in their arsenal to avoid taking responsibility.

Someone who deflects, gets defensive, turns things back on you, word salads you into submission, or is willing to deny until they die is going to make any kind of relationship tough.

That’s why someone who shows signs that they can see things from outside their own perspective is so attractive. And there’s no quicker way to assess that than by how well they can laugh at themselves.

None of It Matters Without This

I’m a sucker for superficial stuff, too.

I love a guy with nice forearms and a handsome face who knows how to be confident in life and dominant in bed.

I love a cute girl with tattoos who really knows how to play up her sweet and submissive side.

And in general, I’m really drawn to people who are passionate about the things they love and bring the same kind of passion to the way they fuck.

But none of it matters if they can’t laugh at themselves.

It’s the most attractive quality because none of the other stuff can get me hot and bothered, flustered and excited, or keep me coming back for more if there’s no playfulness, vulnerability, humility, and self-awareness.

There are a lot of things you can do to make yourself more attractive. Work on your confidence. Hone your seduction skills and charm. Deck yourself out in outfits that look incredible on you.

But make sure you also learn to let your guard down. You’ll have more fun if you do, and you’ll be hotter for it.