My Grief Will Last Forever
By: Mai Cadiz-Valencia
Tags: Death, Grief Recovery, Grief Support, Grief And Loss

But I’ve learned how to live with it with grace and peace

One of the few moments that our family drove out of town for lunch and see the sights.

October 10 was my mother’s 6 year death anniversary, and I still grieve over her passing. Grief never goes away, no matter how much I try; I just learned how to live with it over time. It took me a long time to accept that she’s no longer around and forever physically gone from this world.

I won’t be able to completely get over her death because she couldn’t be replaced — she was my mother. Losing your loved ones — may it be your parents, husband, wife, child, close relatives, or closest friends is way more traumatic and painful. It’s the thought that the person who once orbited your circle will no longer be around is something difficult to fathom.

Breaking up with a partner, losing your job, getting sick, or getting into an accident, and other life-altering events also make us lose our grip and could cause trauma, but we can move on. We can fall in love again or find another job, but we can never replace our loved ones who passed away.

Grief dulls over time though, but it lingers. It lingers as a tender heartache tucked away at the deepest corner of my mind. Then one day, just out of the blue, it hits me like a bus that I didn’t see from my peripheral vision — Regina George style. It happens when a memory of an old song plays in my head, and I suddenly tenderly and painfully recall lying on my mother’s lap while she was running her hand through my head lulling me to sleep. The memory seemed so fresh in my mind like it happened yesterday that I could even smell her scent.

Never a day goes by that I don’t think of her. Some days, grief is easy to deal with because the days can be hectic and chaotic and I can push my grief down to make room for productivity. However, on special days like my wedding, I was imagining the entire time what would it be like if she were there. Would she ask me to wear the pesky petticoat underneath my gown’s silk and tulle skirt to make it look fuller or will she let me let wear the gown without it? I could just imagine that we would have spent at least 30 minutes going back and forth discussing the pros and cons of wearing that damn petticoat. Since she was no longer around to debate with, I wore my gown without the petticoat, and I walked down the aisle with the softest silk and tulle fabric as the slight breeze gently ruffled my wedding dress.

My father met me halfway down the aisle, and I got misty-eyed as I was wishing that my mother was also there waiting for me, then giving me a kiss followed by an approving look on my wedding dress. I knew that day she was happy because her weird daughter finally found someone who would love her because he was also as equally as weird.

Also, if my mother were still alive, she would live with my sister to take care of her granddaughter, and she would be the best grandma ever. She would have showered my niece with love and affection, and Marga would be well-taken care of. She may not have even allowed my sister to carry her own baby.

Grief makes me think of all the things that could have happened but never will in a million years. I put the pain somewhere hoping that it would not creep up when I’m in the middle of grocery shopping when I see my mother’s favorite brand of shampoo or whatever.

We all grieve differently — let us all acknowledge that fact. We should not tell anyone who lost their loved ones to not be sad. That person will forever feel sad and miss the person who left this world. He/she will just learn to learn live with the loss with love, grace, peace, and hope that someday, we would be reunited with our loved ones.

To my mother, this article is for you.

I’ll miss you until I see you.