Those Infant Car Seat Warning Labels, Translated
By: Rhonda Franz
Tags: Parenting, Lists, Baby, Humor, Satire

Those Infant Car Seat Warning Labels, Translated

depositphotos/infant car seat

PARENT: PLEASE READ ALL 46 PAGES OF THE INCLUDED INSTRUCTION BOOKLET FOR THIS INFANT CAR SEAT AND TAKE NOTE OF THE WARNING STICKERS.

The risks involved in merely using this infant car seat are daunting; placing your baby inside is almost as dangerous as driving around without him in it. Yes, we know this infant carrier has more brightly-colored symbols than a toxic-waste removal truck, but rest assured: the seat probably contains no hazardous material. Except for those chemicals in the fabric. And the plastic.

Follow all written instructions on this child restraint, including those located on the bottom of this seat. Yes, it will be difficult to read them while at the same time trying to secure your child.

FOR USE ONLY IN THE BACK SEAT

Do NOT use this in the front seat of your vehicle. That inflatable balloon-type contraption called an airbag is only meant to save adult lives. For everyone else, it’s more like being smacked with a 50-pound mallet. If you only have a pickup truck with one row, or some ridiculously small vehicle that has no back seats, you probably should not have had children.

SUFFOCATION HAZARD

This infant seat can spontaneously roll over on soft surfaces and suffocate your child.

STRANGULATION HAZARD

We understand this sounds bad, but if the restraint straps are too loose, your baby could get strangled. Make sure they’re snug, but not tight. See “COMPRESSION HAZARD.”

COMPRESSION HAZARD

Those restraint straps should be loose enough to allow two-fingers’ width between your child’s chest and each strap. That’s two fingers, not one, not three. If you have fat fingers, or if you are still retaining water from pregnancy, please allow for that. Straps are supposed to be loose, just not too loose. See “STRANGULATION HAZARD.”

LEVEL REQUIREMENTS

You’ve achieved the proper seat angle ONLY when the color blue is visible in the window of the level regulator. It’s as simple as that pregnancy test you took a while back. So once you’ve seen the blue, don’t touch the seat. Don’t touch your baby.

AIRCRAFT USE

We know what you’re thinking. How do you keep this infant carrier level at 30,000 feet? Well, you’re the parent. That’s on you. Note to the captain: no turbulence, please.

OTHER USE/FALL HAZARD

This seat is not safe when placed on a stationary surface: only when in a moving vehicle or airplane. That means no carrying it around even though your child has fallen asleep inside. We know moving your baby means he or she will likely wake up and scream and never return to that rare, dreamlike state. That’s too bad.

EXPIRATION DATE

This seat is good only for the next year (see expiration date stamped on the underside). After that, we can no longer guarantee your baby’s safety, not that we’re guaranteeing it now.

Besides, we don’t want you to use it for your next child. Rather, we want you to have to buy another one. From us.

STROLLER USE

Use only with strollers that are part of our travel system. It’s safer. Again, our company wants all your business, and we prefer you not score a used one at a garage sale. So we’ve cleverly designed this seat to fit only with our strollers.

IF YOU ENCOUNTER A PROBLEM

Call the 1-800 number or hop on our convenient online chat if, at any time, you don’t know what you’re doing. We guarantee at least half an hour trapped in our automated system listening to intermittent, repeated phrases or bantering endlessly with a chatbot on our website, during which time you obviously could have solved the problem yourself. We hope the problem you need to solve doesn’t involve your child also being trapped in the seat. Thirty minutes is a long time to listen to a baby cry.

LAWS PERTAINING TO USE OF INFANT CAR SEATS

This child restraint safety system conforms to all applicable federal motor vehicle standards and child safety laws. At least, that’s the story we’re sticking to.

ADDITIONAL WARNING #1 — MANUFACTURER CONTACT

This car seat, designed to protect your baby, can cause great injury or lead to death. Call the toll-free number for assistance or to obtain an instruction manual if you don’t have one. See the sticker labeled, “IF YOU ENCOUNTER A PROBLEM.”

ADDITIONAL WARNING #2 — REGISTRATION

This seat can, and probably will be recalled sometime in the near future. Make sure you’ve filled out and returned the registration/warranty, and informed us of where you live so we can contact you if this happens. Of course, if you’re a good parent, you’ll monitor the Consumer Reports website and our social media on a daily basis.

FINAL WARNING

Please heed all labels and warning stickers on this car seat. Doing so will only be slightly less frustrating than trying to figure out how to use this important, life-saving contraption without our instructions.