inner child in protection
By: Dino Nugget
Tags: Letters, Breakthrough, Heartbreak, Love, Growth

our smoking ritual in upland

this will probably be the last medium story about you. i thank you for being my motivation and inspiration for most of my writing. (more of keeping myself sane LOL) i started writing ever since i came back to california in august. i started jogging down thoughts whenever i missed you, whenever i missed us, to now, it seems like a space for me to express my feelings and emotions to you.

a limial space for me and you.

playing my covid quaratine playlist when i was writing this. all the lofi beats makes me calm. sitting on the sofa bed where we used to made love. wow, really, how much has a year changed us.

i am trying to move on. i think you are too. i hope you are. i wish you are.

recently i was talking to my roommate holly about all the boys that tried to talk to me, they are all super nice and super sweet dont get me wrong, but they are just not for me.

it feels like something is missing.

i wonder if that was what you meant when you told me you never thought i was your person.

sitting in the kids playground in your complex near midnight smoking weed next to you, passing that joints like its microphone, talking vulnerably about what we think and what we feel.

i appreciate even when we are done with our romantic bonds, we can still feel comfortable talking about our feelings stripped down nakedly.

i think that day was the day i got the closure i needed for myself.

i used to really tried to fix ‘us’. giving you a shit tons of bullshit excuses just to see you. to be honest, i only purposely went to pomona like three times. the rest of the time i just needed the drive and wanted to see you.

im sorry i lied.

i used to think why am i not enough. i used to think what was wrong with me. i used to think i was worthless and not loveable.

the thoughts of why dont you want me was consistently hunting me.

they still come out and say hi to me here and there but i guess when i realized i will never lose you, that was when my breakthrough moment hit.

i remember we were smoking in the cage, you told me how you used to stormed out of a room, yelling at each other in your last relationship. and you told me you never thought i was your person because we never experienced that before (?). all of this was what i remembered, maybe you didnt meant that way, maybe i interpreted wrong. or even maybe i remember it wrong. shit i dont know i was high as a fucking stick.

but whatever you said about our experience, i think you forgot that yes pain did made us grow, but so does happiness.

i remember talking to joyce after summer about how positivity and healthy growth are so underrated and the society thinks we HAVE to experienced some traumatic shit in order to become a new YOU.

thinking back to the days we had, i grew alot. i didnt think of it back then, probably because it feels like a breeze in a spring daisy field, so subtle.

traumatic event did made us grow, but that was forcing us to accept the fact that we were terrified, that we were small, that we were helpless and hopeless. all of that werent all voluntarily. and that we didnt have any choice but to grow out of it.

we always think yeah the good time we had with this person weigh out the bad and the sad time. all those laugh moments worth all the crying and heart dropping moment.

but we forgot that being best friend with your partner teach us how to give a little bit of yourself, how to sacrifice without losing yourself. how to love, how to communicate your anger, how to express your sadness, how to be there for another person.

even though ‘if you dont do this we’ll breakup’ made us change and do things, we forgot that ‘i appreciate you and i am so proud of you’ makes us believe in ourselves.

i am not trying to promote myself as an item to sell to you and have you want me back. i am already pass that phrase. (i mean it would be nice LOL JK) but i guess i just wanted to be here when you grow and as you grow. i want you to become a better YOU in a loving and caring environment. and that comes from YOURSELF and YOU WANT to grow.

because alot of those things we dont realized and learn until we experienced it. and alot of time we were forced.

we all are the type of people that learn from the hard way.

and it’s okay.

as long as we pick ourselves up, as long as we learned from what happened, as long as we know that we are stronger than we think and we feel.

that is all that matters.

i remember i texted you in an early friday morning right after i picked up my car from the towing company and when i was driving through dtla picking up my iced rose coffee from philz. i had my breakthrough moment.

it was three days after we found the cage.

that moment i realized i tried my best within this relationship, i put my 100% within this relationship, i gave you all i have and had, even when i have nothing to give. i cared enough to fight an extra length, and i did my best to make this bond healthy.

i have no regrets.

i cannot tell you to get off dating apps if you didnt want to yourself. i cannot tell you to commit to me when youre not ready. i cannot tell you to love me when you are not feeling that way.

it took me so long to finally have that in my head that all of this wasnt fully my problem and that wasnt what was wrong with me.

it hurts because i wanted to worked this out so bad. it hurts because i cared. it hurts because it was real. it hurts because we had something.

i appreciate you tho. it was not an easy and smooth ride. i thank you for fighting for us towards the end with me even though it seemed like it was hurting both of us. i thank you for putting in as much effort as you could when we had it. i thank you for trying your best.

i want to apologize. i am sorry i hurt you in any kind, any form. i am sorry i keep running back to you. i know you are in your process of healing too. i am sorry things didnt end up the way we wanted. no matter how much we both wanted to work this out in the beginning.

remember the first meet up at tbaar, you were late for almost 45 mins. the second BJ magical pizzokies. the third fair date. i can still clearly remember every steps we took, it was steady, it was firm, it was sure, it was safe.

never have i had a moment in my life regret giving my heart out. never have i ever doubt myself for choosing you.

the smoking sesh in your apartment complex made me realized alot, made me think alot, made me learn alot about you and me.

i wanted to gave you the painting in that setting was because i feel like at that moment, our inner children are hugging each other. they are communicating in that kids playground playing around running around. it feels like there was nothing to worry about but each others happiness and presence.

not gonna lie the reality sometimes made us forgot that our inner child needs protection. our inner child needs hugs and words of affirmation.

at that moment, at that setting.

i feel the most free, the most safe, the most myself.

and i am glad that you were in the presence of that too.

now i dont beat myself up when i think of you. now i dont overthink when you dont reply me. or more of i am talking to myself 97% of the time LOL

what we had was special. from the deepest of my heart, i cherish them. i cannot thank you enough to be a part of my life with me.

you were very important me, and you still are too. no one will ever take your place. no one can twerk as bad as you. no one can be as annoying as you when you are drunk and called me at 4am unapologetically.

i pray that we both heal from this and become the best self we could ever be. i pray that we both grow into the person we wanted to be. and hope by the time we look back, we are still by each others side.

iloveyou- wholeheartedly :’)