Satire
By: Sherine Abraham
Tags: Democracy, Pakistan, Satire, Canada, India

sat·ire

noun

the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

An Indian and a Pakistani met in Toronto. The world around them was in lockdown. It was a cold December day and both were a little exhausted with what was going on.

Pakistani : I heard there are protests going on in India, farmers are out on the streets?

Indian: Yes, the usual you know, they don’t understand what Modiji is trying to do, sometimes I wonder what drives these people, a selfless leader, trying to do his best for the Nation and protests are what you get.

Pakistani: I hear you brother, Imran Khan Sahib is also trying his best in Pakistan, he is a fearless independent leader, just like when he was our cricket team captain. But so many Pakistani people just do not get it.

Indian: These ignorant fools, they do not understand what the Ambanis and Adanis do for the nation. Instead of creating statues of Ambani and Adani, they are boycotting their products, a bunch of illiterates who cannot fathom reality. Billionaires are the pride of any nation.

Pakistani: I am not sure if we have any Billionaires but most of our Generals would fall in that category and yes they are the most important people in Pakistan, those who don’t see that need to get a reality check.

Indian: Why are the poor complaining, they are poor because its their own fault, the state provides everything they need to make their lives successful but they just choose not to use the opportunities presented to them on a silver platter and then the nerve of these people to complain that they are starving.

Pakistani: We do not have any starving poor people in Pakistan. We do have a lot of people with guns though. They are the pride of our nation.

Indian: We are a secular country, so when something offends one community, it should offend all communities. When the BJP does the right thing, they call it communal? The BJP is the most secular party, if there was ever one.

Pakistani: We are not secular. Some say Jinnah wanted a secular nation, I think its all lies spread by evil western forces.

Indian: We have a history of gurus, Rajguru, Sadhguru, Chandra swami, sri sri something, baba ramdev etc., wait Rajguru was not a guru, he was some pre independence activist, someone who did not matter I guess. But the point I am trying to make is that the collective wisdom of these spiritual leaders is being ignored by the people of India. Guru means teacher after all, would you ever disrespect your teacher, you absolutely would not.

Pakistani: We have mullahs who are the same as gurus. They are our teachers, but to your point our mullahs do not get any respect, except maybe from the Army . The Army goes to them for advice at times, but mullahs are frowned upon by most in Pakistan. There is no hope for these mullah bashing Pakistani people.

Indian: These people ,they do not realize how beneficial cow urine(gau mutra) is, the science behind drinking it is unparalleled. The greatest scientists of the world drink gau mutra on a daily basis. We had a prime minister who drank it and he lived a really long life.

Pakistani: We do not drink cow urine but we love testicles, its called Kat-a Kat.

Indian: The British they created laws which are still in use, you know the anit-Sati law.

Sati or suttee[note 1] was a historical Hindu practice, in which a widow sacrifices herself by sitting atop her deceased husband’s funeral pyre.

Modiji should repeal these antiquated laws.

Pakitani: We have blasphemy laws which are still in use, some liberals are trying to get them changed but Imran Khan Sahib will never let that happen.

A Canadian Joins in the conversation,

Canadian: Hi guys, how are you, interested in some exciting conversation on this cold December night?

Indian: Hi, for sure.

Pakistani: Definitely.

Canadian: You know Justin Trudeau, residential school issues, vaccinations, immigration, fiscal budget deficit!

Indian: Not interested, you Canadians just do not get it do you.

Pakistani: I concur

There is a deafening silence, the car comes to a stop.

The Uber ride is over and everyone bids the other goodbye.

image credit:nuvolanevicata/Getty Images