I [25,F] Need Relationship Advice About My Boyfriend Thanos [>1000, M]
By: Ellie Guzman
Tags: Humor, Marvel, Relationships, Love, Satire

Just eating some ice cream, supporting my man

Hi everyone! I (25, F) am currently in a relationship with Thanos (over 1000 I think, he won’t really say, M). We’ve been seeing each other for about a year and a half now. We met at my dad’s jewelry shop, when Thanos came in wanting to buy a gem polisher machine. I was immediately struck by his height and the unique hue to his skin (I love a man of color). We had no gem polishers in stock so Thanos said he didn’t see what he needed and began to leave, but I knew I couldn’t let a hung-looking thiccy like that escape my grasp. So I yelled out “Are you sure you don’t see anything you want?” and I grabbed my right ankle and propped it up on the counter, trying not to get any vag prints on the glass. Thanos whispered “noice” and scooped me up. I haven’t seen my family since but it’s okay because they’re honestly a pain in the ass.

Anywho, Thany and I began seeing each other. At first it was really fun, zipping around all over the universe, traveling together and using this big fist looking thingy to explore each other’s orifices. But now, he’s being really distant. I initially thought that maybe the spark was gone (we’ve gone down from having sex forty times a week to only thirty-five) but now I think he’s just straight up not interested. The only thing he talks about now is collecting more stones and defeating the derangers or whatever, but what about me, huh? What about my needs? It’s like he doesn’t even care about watching Grey’s Anatomy with me anymore.

He also talks about the environment a lot. At first I thought it was cool. It was like I had my own Al Gore, if Al Gore was a statuesque immortal being who’s really good at butt stuff and making omelettes. But now it’s a bit much. He always wants to travel instantly to places instead of driving and I’m getting really sick of him deploying portals all the time because I feel like he’s not enjoying the journey, ya know? I miss singing death chants in the car with him :(

Oh and that reminds me! He is obsessed with this hoe named Mistress Death (like honestly, what a drama queen). I know they had like a thing or whatever, and it’s fine, we all have a history. He doesn’t give me grief for working my way through every employee at my local Dunkin’ Donuts, and anyway it’s irrelevant because I’m permanently banned from that establishment. But he talks about her way too often, and I get the feeling he’s trying to impress her with this gem obsession of his. I already told him that he may be able to manipulate matter, but he cannot manipulate me, but still he assures me I have nothing to worry about. I just don’t know what to do, you guys.

TL;DR: My boyfriend Thanos is being distant and is obsessed with gems like some nerd. Also I think he still loves his ex who’s like death itself or whatever. What do I do? Also, has anyone seen my dad? Tell him he needs to clean the shop! I passed by the other day to pick up my Kegel balls and there was a huge pile of dust on top of his clothes behind the register. Like, geez, clean for once.