Busting Through The Fog Of Sad Times
By: Kim Mckinney
Tags: Psychology, Life, Lifestyle, Self, Mental Health

Busting Through The Fog Of Sad Times

Working your way through a normal emotion

Photo by Kim McKinney

My friend lost her husband this week. Unexpectedly. One morning he was playing with his granddaughter. That night he was hospitalized. The next day he was dead. They had been together since they were 15-years old. Their 39th wedding anniversary is today. My friend is heartbroken. Truly. Not in the cliche’ kind of way. I ache with sadness as I think of her future without him.

Another friend is fighting pancreatic cancer. She started a new drug regime this week. She has lesions on her liver that are growing. Fighting this disease has been her life since December 2018. She has already exceeded the timetable they set for her. There is joy in that, but yet it invades all she does. There is a pall of sadness.

My 82-year old mom has dementia. It seems to be getting worse at an alarming rate. Since my dad died three and a half years ago, she has struggled with depression, and I know this memory loss is scaring her. She won’t return to the neurologist, and while we could probably force it, it goes against our beliefs to take that control away from her right now. She is aware her memory is leaving her, though not to the degree we observe. Hearing our family history through her words is frustrating. It’s not our truth. But how do you correct a brain at this stage? Being around her is difficult. It carries a weight of sadness like nothing I have ever known.

And then there’s the world at large. The coronavirus, politics, racism — deep chasms are running through our country. Sad on almost every level.

Sadness abounds. I cried during a dance movie last night. Yes, sometimes, I also cry at Hallmark commercials, but I was aware the tears came from these other things and not the movie itself.

I’m not prone to sadness. I see it. I feel it. I try to move on and feel something else.

Yet sadness is a normal emotion. Almost all of us feel it at some time or another. It’s temporary and usually based on circumstances.

Depression is a different state, though you certainly can feel sad while depressed.

So what is one to do when the sadness hits?

Acknowledge it for what it is. Emotions occur naturally. There is no shame in feeling them.

Break it down a bit. I am quite aware of why I am sad this week. Sometimes it takes a bit of a deeper dive to figure out why. Sometimes it doesn’t come with a reason, but do the dive if it keeps up. Seek professional help when it keeps up or crosses over to depression.

Pay attention to how you’re taking care of yourself. Sadness sometimes drags us down. We don’t eat, sleep, or work out as we should. Make sure those basics in life are taken care of, so you are not adding weight to the emotion.

Please don’t keep it to yourself. Talking about sadness often allows you to process it.

Use sadness to learn about yourself. An old Psychology Today article talks about the value of sadness. In that article, Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., says, “Sadness is a live emotion that can serve to remind us of what matters to us, what gives our life meaning.”

I care deeply about my friends and family and the pain in their lives. That is not only good but a healthy component of love.

How can I help them during this sad time? What do they need that I can give? How can I encourage and help them accept which even in my own mind is unacceptable?

Life is sad sometimes. We can’t dwell there long term. The definition of ”long term” varies for us all.

But I will celebrate life while I can.

I will find a way to honor the life of the husband of my friend that lets her know I know how much he mattered.

I will speak words of love to my friend with pancreatic cancer as she goes through this and will celebrate this next stage of treatment that can keep her here with us longer.

And I will hold the hand of my mom as she travels this difficult path, reminding her that she is not alone.

”We’re taught to be ashamed of confusion, anger, fear and sadness, and to me they’re of equal value to happiness, excitement and inspiration.” — Alanis Morissette

If you are living life fully, you will feel sadness. The feeling will pass. But in the meantime, maybe it’s a signal that you need to do something to balance your world. Perhaps you need to let it be a positive catalyst for growing more joy.