Having The Courage To Lose
By: Kerry Needs
Tags: Imposter Syndrome, Self Belief, Courage, Perfectionism, Mistakes

Having The Courage To Lose

Lessons from a recovering perfectionist

Photo by Andrej Lišakov on Unsplash

As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve always wanted to preserve the illusion of perfection at all costs.

It showed up hugely in my career. If I didn’t know something at work, I’d try and gloss over it. I was frightened and brutally ashamed of potentially not knowing ‘my stuff’, so instead of asking for help and support, I’d brush up in secret, and just hope I wouldn’t get ‘found out’.

I had a serious case of imposter syndrome. Those who impressed me with their marketing flair or copywriting expertise bothered me, because they could pick holes in my knowledge and thus my veneer of confidence and credibility.

I took that extremely personally. Now, with the ability to finally own my shadow and self-reflect, I can probably attest that I used to be massively defensive and passive aggressive when poked. Those ‘experts’ highlighted what I didn’t know. In my mind, they were ‘better’ and I was ‘worse’.

What did having this mindset do for me?

It held me back, massively.

If I spoke up and put forward a suggestion that was knocked back or deemed to be incorrect, it hugely affected my confidence. Over time, I just stopped offering suggestions in the workplace. My overriding thought was ‘All of these people are more qualified/knowledgeable than me; why bother?’

My lack of confidence obviously had detrimental effects — after all, if you don’t really believe in yourself, no one else will.

Putting forward suggestions so quietly in a meeting that people talk over you, or speaking up to voice your opinion and no-one listens…it’s a hard pill to swallow.

I lacked assertiveness because I was unconfident. And I was unconfident because I was a massive perfectionist. It becomes a vicious cycle that’s hard to break.

But what I didn’t realise back then is that having the courage to lose is the bravest thing you can do to turn things around.

Last night, I played a card game with some fellow travellers in Da Nang, Vietnam. It’s a simple game called ‘Durak’ where there isn’t a winner, only one ‘loser’ holding all of the cards, and they are called a ‘Durak’, which means ‘idiot/fool’ in German.

Guess who lost three times in a row and became the ‘Durak’?

Ha, yep, it was me.

I noticed something particularly interesting, though: I genuinely didn’t care about losing.

Why?

Because I wasn’t attached to winning.

The next day, I did something I had very rarely done before. I challenged someone’s opinion at work. I told them, incredibly politely, what I’d like to change, and why I think it should be changed.

The difference between then and now is that even if they implement my suggestions and it ends up being horribly bad advice, I am still ok.

Mistakes mean nothing about my worth, and neither does losing.

By taking the fear away from making a mistake, you take all of its power away to control you.

I think I have adopted this mindset partly thanks to the fantastic book called Mindset by Carol Dweck, which I read a couple of years ago.

A perfectionist is fixed in their mindset. They believe that they are their limitations.

A person with a growth mindset knows that mistakes just mean learning, and they mean absolutely zero about that person’s value and worth.

I’ve messed up so many times in my life, I can’t even count. I’ve failed at running businesses, failed at relationships, and failed in my communication skills. I’ve fucked up time and time again.

How do you react when you fall over in the street? It’s embarrassing, right?

You didn’t mean to fall over in front of everyone, and you look pretty stupid. You might feel ashamed, falling flat on your face.

But if you fell over in public every week, after a while, you probably wouldn’t care.

So, ironically, going through those situations makes you pretty tough.

It also makes you far less attached to outcome.

Nowadays, the value lies in the process.

Having the courage to speak up — the courage to express myself, to be true to myself, to participate — regardless of what unfolds afterwards.

Then, no matter what, I haven’t lost anything.

Because I found myself.