Flip the Gratitude Switch
By: Christopher Shelley
Tags: Thanks, Gratitude, Friends, Mental Health

Chris Shelley

Life is hard. Schedules are full. Victories are few. Frustrations are frequent. Gratitude is the most effective tool for combating depression, feelings of inadequacy, anger, disappointment and fear.

A few weeks ago, my wife and I went upstate to visit our friend Maria and her family. Maria worked with my wife many years ago. We see these people once or twice a year. Whenever we visit, it feels as if we are there to celebrate some holiday not found on any traditional calendar. Each time we head back home, we feel changed in profound ways. I finally identified the key to this transformation: gratitude.

This took no divining on my part: our host, Maria, the ever-cheerful, thoughtful and chatty mother of three delightful daughters, went out of her way to talk about gratitude with us. “Every morning, when I wake up, the first thing I do is think of something I’m grateful for,” she told us as her husband steered their power boat around the waters that open up just minutes from the Huguenot Yacht Club in New Rochelle. “Whether it’s the fact that I’m healthy or that I have a bed to sleep in, there is always something to be grateful for. I always try to remind myself to be grateful for everything in my life.”

Maria makes being grateful seem like a great idea. She wears gratitude well. She always has a smile on her face and a kind thing ready to say. She listens to you and gives equal time. She lauds others’ accomplishments and is enthusiastic about her own. She feeds her flock, young and old. Her daughters have moved on to college and their own bright futures but are always in touch — Maria passed her phone around when one daughter called so we could all say hello. As her daughter’s voice magically poured into my ear all the way from Boston, I could hear her mother’s voice flow through her own, her own happiness and grounded-ness apparent in her cheer. It felt like she was sitting right next to us.

Both Maria and her husband Frank have family roots in other countries, both speak other languages, both worked hard all their lives, nothing was ever guaranteed to either of them. Maria’s parents live with her and her husband, so the house is alive with two languages — English and Spanish — and loads of food. These are not snobs who lord their good fortune over others; these are people who share all of the best things in their lives with those they love.

When people earn things, they know that earning is a product of teamwork, family support, friends, faith, determination and lots of hard work. Grateful earners realize that hundreds of factors contribute to any success, big or small. Grateful people make being grateful an active process, a meditation and a habit.

Ever since we drove away that day, Maria waving at us from the driveway, the perfect host to the end, I’ve tried to adopt an attitude of gratitude and let me tell ya, it works. All around me are things to be grateful for: a beautiful wife, friends, a job I love, a football team that keeps winning Super Bowls. Sure there are things that frustrate me, but once you adjust your perspective, things aren’t ever as bad as your mind can make them.

One of the things I love about my wife is that if you ever complain about something, she’ll point out that “it could be worse,” and she’ll rattle off three things that prove her point, without even thinking about it. She advises students at a local college. Many of these kids have never had anyone provide them the broad vision of perspective. My wife is good at what she does. I have no doubt that her life and Maria’s life overlapped because the world saw the good that could come of them teaming up.

My wife’s brother has a sign in his kitchen that reads, “If you complain, God just makes you live longer.” I love that sign, and I think of it often. I try to be aware, internally, if the thing I’m about to complain about is worth complaining about or if I’m just thinking of something to say — complaining as small talk. I know that in my life, I have occasionally complained about things to disguise how absolutely lucky I realize that I am. I officiate weddings for a living, a vocation I found eight years ago. As my friend Ben said, I “make a living on how-you-met stories.” An event that is a highlight of many people’s social calendar and, for couples, the biggest night of their lives, is just a typical Saturday night for me. It’s my job to celebrate love and joy. I make people laugh, I make them cry, I make them feel, I make them appreciate. People thank me and compliment me immediately after I stop working. Once, I was complimented while I was working: a laughing bride uttered, mid-ceremony, “I’m just so glad we hired you!” This kind of thing does not happen in most jobs.

I could complain about some things if I had to: knees so bad that I have to tape my kneecaps in place just to walk down a street without pain, debts, the stress of surviving in the gig economy, in-laws. But when I compare my year’s biggest disappointments — failure to secure a second book deal to follow up my first, a TV producer turning down my show pitch — all I need to do is think that millions of people have real concerns based on survival, not ambition. Other people wonder if they’ll find a kidney donor. Other people wonder if they’ll be welcome in the next country they reach, on foot. Other people wonder how they’ll feed their kids tonight, and then tomorrow.

Ever since we drove away from Maria’s house, I’ve been triggering the gratitude switch on my brain’s control panel. (I’m grateful for this day. I’m grateful for my laptop. I’m grateful that I have indoor plumbing.) I’ve been happier and calmer. I’ve slept better. I’ve reframed challenges as opportunities. I’ve been more patient. I’ve had the courage to take some chances. It’s all working. And it’s all from gratitude.

Gratitude does not come in a pill, a tablet or a potion. Gratitude does not have to be injected, swallowed or attached. Gratitude is a decision, one that anyone can make. And if you see someone who has not made the decision to trigger the gratitude switch on their brain’s control panel, the kindest thing you can do is remind them to do so.

Thanks Maria.