Pride Is the Antonym of Shame
By: Bradley Wester
Tags: Contemporary Art, Creative Non Fiction, Artist, Painting, LGBTQ

We have tough conversations. Not like the ones with my straight male friends when I lived and worked as an artist in Brooklyn — painstakingly politically correct, agreeable, and unequivocal. My two closest male friends since moving to Rhode Island are straight. Despite missing the protection and denial of that New York liberal bubble, I’m grateful to have learned to navigate real-world grey areas. If Tom and David weren’t outstanding contemporary artists, I’m not sure we would have gotten past initial small talk over drinks at our local watering hole. For example, when a certain woman walked into the bar, Tom said to us, but mostly to David,

“Hey, that’s the chick that used to date our friend, Eric. Remember? She’s got exceptional tits and supposedly gives even better blow jobs.”

I squirmed.

No straight male friend had spoken like that in my presence in ages. I had always been appalled by locker-room talk. In New York, I quit both an Aikido dojo and a Tai Chi dojo, ironically, because of the intense male dressing-room objectifications of female practitioners. But if I’m honest, I’ve participated in my share. Have you ever listened in on a table of middle-aged queens at a restaurant after a hot young waiter has taken their order? And frankly, I’ve done locker-room banter one better. More than once, during my younger, single-er, more viable days, I partook in a little steam room yank-and-wank with complete strangers.

These are the kinds of reassessments I’m continually confronted with since moving here. I owe this to living in a more socially compressed, interconnected place where I don’t have the luxury of retreating to my former ghetto of purity. My husband and I once invited a few of our new Rhode Island neighbor friends over for cocktails. All of us in support of the same non-profit. Turned out one of the husbands is a wealthy Trump voter and started to mansplain how much of the world’s problems are due to liberal thought. That was a shocking and intriguing opportunity for a non-explosive counterargument, which he actually listened to seeing as he was sitting in my living room. Still friendly with the couple, I manage to get my digs in when appropriate.

“You guys are misogynist assholes.” I pronounced, somewhat hypocritically, during an explicit conversation about straight male sexual desire in the bar after Tom’s chick-blow-job comment.

“Right. It’s not like you don’t want to suck the dick of that bartender you’ve been checking out since we got here. He’s straight, by the way.”

Point taken. Not that a man’s sexual orientation ever stopped me from desiring him. The truth is, I have a double standard. I’m excruciatingly politically correct out loud and in mixed company. Privately and in closed queer circles, I perform differently.

While sometimes conflicted, I enjoy this newfound latitude with my straight boyfriends. Paradoxically, it even feels a bit radical. I can test ideas on them that even in my closest queer relationships might elicit a reactionary response. And I’ve never been part of an intimate, post-closet, mixed boys’ club before. I assume the same goes for Tom and David, sans the post-closet part. And they can handle anything I dish out to them.

“What you guys desperately need is for your wives to strap one on, so you can comprehend the power of passivity and feel what it’s like to have a real orgasm. Your wives aren’t the only ones with G-spots, you know. Or did you know? That your wives had G-spots!” I smacked back after a visible wince when the subject of male-to-male anal sex came up.

“Trust me. Thanks to your prostate, a cock in your ass, real or otherwise, will blow your minds. Even more than your cock in your wife’s ass, which I know is your ultimate fantasy and likely not your reality.”

For a few seconds, they became innocent boys picturing it. Then I added,

“The only real difference between straight men and gay men is that gay men actually have all the sex they talk about.

Boom!