The alternative Euro 2020 awards
Tags: Scotland, Euro 2020, Chiellini, Italy, England

IMAGE: BBC News

🎵’Don’t hesitate, time heals the pain, you ain’t the problem’🎵

From the minute Andrea Bocelli delivered a spine-tingling rendition of Nessun Dorma, we were sold.

After 16 months of anguish, fear and frustration, there was hope that the tournament might deliver a little bit of respite.

As Bocelli’s voice rang out around the Stadio Olimpico, we knew Euro 2020 would rise to the occasion. We just didn’t realise just how much it would deliver.

One of the greatest international tournaments most of us can recall, Euro 2020 had everything. Thrilling matches. Defiant statements. A tiny remote-controlled Volkswagen with a football on its roof.

Now that the more important articles have been published, it’s time to enjoy the finest moments of a memorable four weeks.

“And now, I’m delighted to hand over to our commentary team of Ally McCoist and Clive Tyldesley”…

BEST MCCOIST/TYLDESLEY QUOTE: On France v Switzerland clashing with Love Island…

“This is where some of you may be leaving us for the return of Love Island on ITV4. Please don’t. Swipe right for Ally McCoist”

Honourable mention: On Jens Stryger Larsen going down injured against the Czech Republic…

Tyldesley: “Nobody knows what to believe after Ciro Immobile’s antics last night”

McCoist: “Aww don’t even start me on that performance, right. We promised we weren’t going to start on that”

Tyldesley: “I’ve actually just been handed an update. He’s had a comfortable night. He’s in a stable condition. There is a faint mark on his leg where his shinpad was rubbing, but mummy’s put a plaster on it and given him some sweets and a comic, and he’s hoping to be fit for Italy on Tuesday”

McCoist: “Very good”

Tyldesley: “I’d like to see him suspended for Italy on Tuesday personally…You never know when there’s a camera pointing at you these days”

McCoist: “Aww it was a howler, it really was”

Honourable mention: On being up for the England v Scotland game…

McCoist: “After listening to my ex-team-mate and old boss Graeme Souness, I’m just about ready to march on Carlisle”

Honourable mention: On the light aircraft that had flown overhead during a Dutch training session…

Tyldesley: “There was another yesterday, with a banner telling de Boer to pick Donyell Malen, which he’s done. Next time you’re (McCoist) on the golf course, have a look up. It may be Mrs M with a message for you…’We need milk’.”

Honourable mention: On why you probably shouldn’t accept a lift from Clive Tyldesley…

Tyldesley: “France still have some gears to go through. They need to get their foot down on the clutch and start accelerating”

Honourable mention: On pain…

Tyldesley: “Nobody has any sympathy for someone who’s only got cramp, but is there anything more painful?”

McCoist: “Toothache”

Honourable mention: On Martin Dubravka’s own goal…

McCoist: “Can’t believe that. Got to say, I can’t believe it. I don’t know where you go there, to be honest with you. As goalkeeping errors go, Clive, that is a HOWLER”

THE REMEMBERBERRY AWARD FOR MOST RELENTLESSLY REMEMBERED EVENT: Euro ‘96

Honourable mention: 1966

MOST RELENTLESSLY REMEMBERED MOMENT FROM EURO ’96: Paul Gascoigne v Scotland

MOST INSIGHTFUL ANALYSIS: Frank Lampard on Wales

Honourable mention: Jermaine Jenas, for informing us that “This is a big 15 minutes” at the start of the second period of extra time in the European Championship Final

Honourable mention: Kenny McLean, for explaining that “If you don’t buy a ticket, you don’t score the goals”

Honourable mention: John Hartson, for stating “It’s a stamp on his ankle. I don’t think it’s a red card”

QUICKEST CHANGE OF HEART: John Hartson during Hungary v Portugal

82 minutes: “I don’t quite think Portugal have come out and maybe did enough to win the game in the second half”

*Portugal score*

84 minutes: “Can’t say that Portugal haven’t deserved it”

BEST CAMEO: Tiny remote controlled Volkswagen with ball on roof

LEAST NECESSARY HALF-TIME FEATURE DURING GAMES THAT DON’T INVOLVE ENGLAND: Luke Shaw’s slippers

Honourable mention: Phil Foden’s hair

Honourable mention: Jack Grealish’s hair

PETTIEST ROY KEANE MOMENT: Roy Keane arguing with a woman during a Neil Diamond gig because she was singing

Honourable mention: captain’s armbands

MOST HARROWING ATTEMPT AT PRONOUNCING A STRAIGHTFORWARD NAME: Danny Murphy v Chiellini

Honourable mention: Jonathan Pearce v Kamara

MOST LIFE-AFFIRMING MOMENT: The response to Christian Eriksen’s collapse

Honourable mention: The Tartan Scarf

Honourable mention: Billy Gilmour dominating at Wembley

Honourable mention: Every time Gianluca Vialli celebrated with Roberto Mancini

Honourable mention: Tyrone Mings calling out Priti Patel

Honourable mention: Manuel Neuer and Harry Kane both wearing rainbow armbands

Honourable mention: Leon Goretzka’s celebration in front of Hungary fans

Honourable mention: Denmark fan

Honourable mention: Ally McCoist greeting Gini Wijnaldum’s second goal against North Macedonia with “LOVELY wee goal, it really is. Superb! I love it”

MOST RIDICULOUS TAKE: ‘Anyone but England’ means anything more serious than finding it funny when your rivals lose

Honourable mention: Stringer Bell team talk

MOST EXCRUCIATING LINEKER PUN: “England complete the Italian job. They’ve only gone and blown the bloody scores off”

THE ‘I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, BUT THERE SIMPLY HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY OF WORDING THIS’ AWARD: Andros Townsend for “Denmark have already won the tournament with Christian Eriksen not being dead”

BEST LOOK:

WORST LOOK: Robbie Savage, looking like a six-year-old’s been asked to draw a Bee Gee

BEST FAN REACTION DURING FRANCE V SWITZERLAND: Swiss fan

Honourable mention: French fan

BEST NORTH MACEDONIA MOMENT: Drum

Honourable mention: Cones

MOST SCOTLAND MOMENT: Simultaneously conceding the goal of the tournament and creating a new meme

Honourable mention: Briefly getting the nation’s hopes up

BEST SIDE HUSTLE: John McGinn, West Ham United manager

BIGGEST RIDDY: England

BEST ANTI-SHILTON MERCH: T-shirt

Honourable mention: Flag

Honourable mention: Sticker

BEST SONG: “You’re just a shite Rabbie Burns”

Honourable mention: “You’re just a shite Grant Hanley”

Honourable mention: Andrea Bocelli singing Nessun Dorma

Honourable mention: Italian national anthem

BEST ANTI-SCOTTISH INSULT

BEST ANTI-SPANISH AND ANTI-SWISS INSULTS

MOST OFFENSIVE ANTI-ITALIAN INSULT:

BEST SHORT-LIVED, ONE-SIDED LOVE AFFAIR: Scotland and Germany

Honourable mention: Scotland and Ukraine

Honourable mention: Scotland and Denmark

MOST ENDURING LOVE AFFAIR: Scotland and Italy

MOST INTENSE ITALIANING: Nicolò Barella

BEST REACTION FROM A SCOTTISH FAN:

Honourable mention:

Honourable mention:

Honourable mention:

BEST SHOWBOATING:

MOST CONFUSED STEWARD:

THE MARK LAWRENSON AWARD FOR CO-COMMENTATOR MOST INCONVENIENCED BY PROSPECT OF BEING PAID WELL TO WATCH EXCITING FOOTBALL MATCHES: Danny Murphy

Honourable mention: Lee Dixon

MOST AWKWARD FEELING: Realising there was just no way to dislike this England squad

THE SCHADENFREUDE AWARD FOR MOST ARROGANT PUNDIT: Rio Ferdinand

BEST ROBERTO MANCINI IMAGE:

Context:

Honourable mention:

MOST POIGNANT POST-FINAL TWEET: Harry Maguire

BEST COVER VERSION: ‘It’s Coming Rome’ (Broudie/Baddiel/Skinner/Bonucci/Chiellini)

PLAYER OF THE TOURNAMENT: Giorgio Chiellini

An absolutely sensational tournament. It really was, Clive.