Why & How to talk to your child about good touch and bad touch.
By: Blossom Menezes
Tags: Parenthood, Parenting, Good Touch Bad Touch, Expat, Parenting Advice

Why & How to talk to your child about good touch and bad touch. Blossom Menezes Follow Jul 11 · 4 min read

It was on my mind for a long time. I kept thinking about the right time to talk to my 5 year old about this. How do I begin? How should I explain it? What if it scares her beyond belief? What if I do a bad job at explaining this? Every time I would think about it, I would find myself totally confused.

Some parents believe that this conversation can wait till children are much older. Let’s look at some statistics to understand why we need to have this conversation with our kids sooner, rather than later.

Of children who are sexually abused, 20% are abused before the age of 8. 60% of child sexual victims never tell anyone. 1 in 7 girls and 1 in 24 boys will be sexually abused before they turn 18. - Source : Darkness to light, an organization that works to end sexual abuse.

What are the current circumstances that demand an early conversation?

Most often abuse happens at the hands of someone the child knows and trusts.

Many children world over, spend more of their day with nannies monitored or unmonitored by parents.

Younger kids start sleeping over at their relatives’ place maybe around the age of 3 or 4.

Children play with their friends, everyday, in parks or areas around where they stay, very often without parental supervision.

Many children travel to school by school buses on a daily basis.

Many children may or may not play with kids much older than them.

Children start attending classes for swimming, gymnastics, yoga, dance or other extra curricular activities.

And lastly we live in a world where abuse is on the rise, irrespective of gender.

Now that we’ve tackled the Why, let’s look at the How.

You can have this conversation when your child is developmentally ready to listen or can understand your words. Every parent needs to gauge when that would be right for your child.

Keep the information age appropriate.

There are lots of books available these days to help parents broach and explain the subject — It’s my body by Lory Freeman, I said No, a kid to kid guide to Keeping Private parts Private by Kimberly King, Do you have a secret? by Jennifer Moore- Malinos, Amazing You! Getting smart about your private parts by Gail Saltz, Not everyone is nice: Helping Children learn caution with strangers by Frederick Alimonti, Pegasus Life Issues Good Touch, Bad Touch, Let’s Talk About Body Boundaries, Consent and Respect by Sarah Jennings. This could make it a lot easier if find it difficult to explain the concept.

It is recommended that we use the right anatomical language like breasts, vagina, penis et al. However if you are uncomfortable with the language, make sure you and your child are on the same page with respect to the body part you are talking about, so that there is no confusion.

Give specific examples of what constitutes good touch i.e. holding hands, hugging, a pat on the back. However if these touches also make the child uncomfortable, then they are not okay.

Give specific examples of what constitutes bad touch i.e. anyone touching their private parts, putting their hands in their pants or clothes, or asking them to look at private parts or touch other adults is a bad touch.

Give them examples and let them identify if it is a good touch or a bad touch.

Explain to them, that in some cases for their own health and safety, doctors or parents might need to undress them, give them a bath, inject them and those are not bad touches.

Go beyond the swimsuit rule. The swimsuit rule is an easy way to explain to your children that parts of the body covered by a swimsuit are private parts and those exposed are not. However sexual offenders often start by touching the head or hands before they actually try to touch the “private parts.”

Tell them what they need to do incase someone touches them in an inappropriate way — They need to use words like “No”, “ Stop doing that”, “Please stop. I am not comfortable” and run away from the situation. They need to come and tell Mom and Dad. If Mom and Dad are not around, they need to tell another adult they trust like grandparents or their teacher.

Reinforce that there are no secrets from mom and dad. Most often sexual offenders ask children to keep it a secret — a secret between them. We need to pre-warn our children that if someone says that they should not tell something to mom and dad, that means they definitely need to tell mom and dad.

Most importantly you need to reassure them that if someone touches them in the wrong way, it isn’t their fault. They did nothing wrong and should not feel bad or ashamed about it.

If you’ve already coached your children about good touch and bad touch or are looking at having that conversation, I’d love to hear from you.