On Commitments and Practice and Trying New Things
Tags: Trying New Things, First Post, Personal Transformation

For the last couple of years, it has felt like the world has been turned upside down and all around. I mean — I guess it has been… Globally, marginalized communities continue to suffer at the hands of oppressive systems, oppressive people, and oppressive institutional practices/policies. Simultaneously, our communities continue to innovate, to find and advance new solutions, to move towards a radical and liberatory ideal in the ways we work, relate and build. Personally, I have felt the impact of this turbulence in the ways my own world has shifted and toppled. From getting and leaving jobs to organizing in challenging, unsustainable ways, to experiencing violence and trauma and the subsequent time-and-resource-consuming investments in my personal transformation and healing, I have been stuck in what feels like quicksand and muck trying to dig my way out. There has been so much death. So much new life. So much growth. So many possibilities snatched away. So many new possibilities created. And I am here just reeling from it all — finding my voice again, trying to remember and redefine who I am, where I fit, who I’m accountable to.

I have found myself asking: “What makes me happy? What gets me excited? What feels fun? What do I want to be doing? How can I do those things more? What does it mean to find the intersection between what I’m passionate about and what I’m good at doing?” These questions have proven to be tougher to answer than I would have ever imagined them to be. And I have recently uncovered some of the reasons why they feel so hard — Losing yourself in an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship will do that to you. Being constantly overwhelmed and desensitized by deep depression will do that to you. A lack of self-trust/self-confidence/self-assuredness will do that to you. Navigating this transphobic, homophobic, misogynistic, anti-Black world as a Black queer non-binary person will do that to you.

And here I am today — finally starting to feel again. I notice my ability to feel my legs and lower body. I am getting comfortable and clear with what I like and do not like and how to express that in real time. I feel my breath through my whole body. I can separate my personal feelings from the things I feel that do not belong to me. And all of this new understanding has made clear to me what I never actually knew I was missing from my life. It has taught me how to smile again, and to love myself more honestly and fully. I feel my life changing in my body, and it is both an exciting and scary adventure. I don’t know what will happen next, and there is no real way of knowing. What I do know is what my vision is for myself, my communities, and the world. What I have is a deep-felt commitment to the call of the Mandate: to avenge my ancestor’s suffering, earn the respect of generations to come, and to welcome my continued growth and transformation with intention and openness.

I feel called to write more, to share more, to open up myself and my transformation for people to see me more clearly, for me to see myself more fully. And this Medium page is the way I see myself doing that, for now.

I hope this “blog” can be a space for me to share: updates about my personal practices and the professional and movement work I engage in, existential questions I’m grappling with, lessons from my travels and other random musings. Honestly, who knows the breadth or depth of what will be shared here…I will continue to get more clear about what and how I want to use this platform.

What’s important to know right now is the why: I’m doing my personal work to rebuild the trust I have with myself by being in consistent practice, and holding myself accountable to my practices. Between now and May 2020, I’d like to publish something here at least once a month. I want to show myself that it is possible to say I’m going to do a thing and then do it. I hope that my community will support this effort, engage with me, and feel encouraged to start/re-start your own consistent practices for the sake of deep reflection, expansive openness, and grounding connection.

Welcome to my page.