I Love the Catholic Church, Which is Why I Say, #ChurchToo
By: John Monaco
Tags: Sexual Assault, Social Justice, Catholic, Metoo, Life

My Testimony

Part I: College Seminary

Immediately following high school, I entered seminary, with every intention to become a Catholic priest. It would be a long process — 8 years, to be exact — but I trusted that God would lead me through it. The minor seminary I attended was one especially known for its conservatism & “orthodoxy”. Dioceses from all over the East Coast sent their seminarians there, trusting that it would form good, holy priests. The rules were strict; for example, we were only allowed off-campus once a week, on Saturdays. Visitors did not always receive a warm welcome. One time, a priest from my home diocese visited a group of us, and was told that he could not take us out for pizza because it was a weeknight. Compared to my friends at “normal” colleges, this was a prison. Eventually, I became extremely homesick, lonely, and started to isolate myself from the other seminarians, many of whom I did not feel comfortable around.

One night, I received a knock on my door. It was an upperclassman. He wanted to “check in” on me, and see how I was feeling. I invited him into my room and we began to chat. I told him how I was struggling to adjust to this new life. He listened, but then he began to ask me very odd questions. “Do you masturbate?” I was stunned. I told him no, but he kept persisting. He asked me if I viewed pornography and if I had any sexual experience. I became very uncomfortable with his questions and asked him to leave my room. He then slouched in the chair and I saw that his erect penis was poking through his shorts. I yelled at him and told him to leave. He stuttered an apology, and I slammed the door. I then went to my next door neighbor, and told him. Later, we found out that this particular seminarian did the same thing to a number of my classmates. We spoke to the dean, and he was promptly expelled.

The rest of that semester did not prove to be any better. Every weekday, the schedule was the same — we woke up, went to the chapel for morning prayer & Mass, went to breakfast, had classes, then lunch, then afternoon classes/recreation, evening prayer, dinner, night prayer, and then lights-out at 11 p.m. I felt trapped, and would often use my free Saturdays to visit the nearby city, attend Mass at an actual parish, and see my best friend from high school (who providentially ended up going to a college in the same city!)

During the spring semester, I had the chance to go home for President’s Day Weekend. However, the week prior, a seminarian whom I did not know very well approached me and invited me to his house for the weekend. Seeing this as a rare chance to make friends, I agreed. I and a number of other seminarians went to his house for the weekend. Upon entering, I was greeted with a shot glass filled to the brim with strong-smelling alcohol, which he persistently commanded me to drink. I was 18 — and I had never drank before in my life. He kept insisting I drink, even threatening that I would not be allowed to stay at his house for the weekend if I didn’t. And so, I drank the shot of alcohol, and immediately felt disoriented and sick. I felt like my body was rebelling after that initial drink. I tried eating, but nothing would go down my throat. I tried walking, but I kept crashing into furniture. I came across a seminarian puking in a toilet. As I continued down the hallway, I saw two seminarians fondling each other. Eventually, I tried to seek some fresh air, and wanted to call my mother. As I was on the phone with her, a drunk seminarian came from behind me & groped me. I yelled at him and pushed him away. I went back inside, and saw seminarians playing the card game, “Apples to Apples”, making inappropriate joke after inappropriate joke. Eventually, I fell asleep in the living room chair. Upon waking, I found seminarians asleep next to each other, spooning. After calling a cab, I left the house & returned to the seminary, where I stayed in my room alone for the weekend.

A few weeks later, I made an appointment with my formation advisor, the priest in charge of presenting me to the faculty as a worthy candidate. I told him about the party. He responded by telling me that I needed to be “more charitable” and understanding of my brother seminarians. He noted that the faculty saw that I was a “loner” and that I should build “fraternity” with my fellow seminarians. I began to cry. The priest then asked if he could “pray over me,” and I told him no. By this time, I knew that I was completely done with this seminary, and I planned on telling the vocations director that I was leaving. The priest ended up “praying over me” anyhow and suggested that my “resistance” to his prayer was from Satan.

I left that seminary after my first year, and I continued my studies at a Catholic college while living at a parish church. I studied philosophy and had a great time with the regular lay students, my pastor supervisor, and the various parishioners I interacted with on a daily basis. In spring of 2012 during my sophomore year, a number of seminarians were kicked out of diocesan seminary formation when it was revealed that they were going out to gay bars, were hooking up with each other in the seminary, and had pornography on their personal computers. Admittedly, such scandalous behavior was not uncommon at this particular seminary. Eventually, I realized I needed time away for myself, and thus I left seminary formation. The last two years of college were great — I dated, played lacrosse, made friends, volunteered at a local hospital chaplaincy, all while continuing my philosophy studies. These were the best years of my life.

Part II: Major Seminary

Still, I felt a deep longing to serve God as a priest, and so, following graduation in 2014, I re-applied to the diocese to enter major seminary and was accepted, sent out of state to continue priestly formation. Once again, the seminary I attended was another “conservative” one, though in secret, it was called “The Purple Palace”. Though unfortunate, the title was fitting, as there was misconduct by seminarians and faculty alike.

The year prior, a seminarian was kicked out for committing sodomy with a member of a religious order who took classes at the seminary. They were discovered by a faculty member after their moaning was heard by a seminarian across the hall. Both seminarians were expelled. Still, those two were not the only seminarians acting out in a homosexual manner. There were multiple nights where I went to the downstairs common room for a snack, only to find seminarians cuddling with each other — drunk, of course. Alcohol (ab)use was a major issue in the seminary, one which was largely ignored. Another issue was racial prejudice. Several seminarians from Latin & South America reported that they experienced racial profiling & slurs, even among fellow seminarians. For one seminarian, the racist culture was so bad that he had to switch seminaries. Even today, I continue to receive testimonies from other seminarians, many of whom have their own stories and experiences of misconduct.

That first year, a number of seminarians reported receiving creepy messages from a fake number, asking to “hook up”. Eventually, it was found out that the texts were from a seminarian. When it was brought forward to both priests in the seminary and outside it, the response was appalling — the recipient was told that “It’s not like he sent you pictures of his penis, don’t over-exaggerate and act like a victim.” A member of the faculty was so outraged by this courageous seminarian that the seminarian was threatened to be “thrown out” for openly questioning his authority. The seminarian who sent the sext-messages found another diocese to study for and, according to the vocations website, continues to be a seminarian this day, despite such inappropriate actions.

Seminary misconduct was not limited to seminarians, however. There were priests on faculty who would get drunk with their ‘clique’ of seminarians, and would invite them into their rooms late at night for “private parties”. In early May 2015, our seminary hosted a bachelor party for a lay staff member who was set to be married. That night, a priest on the formation faculty drank with seminarians until 2 a.m., and was so intoxicated that he fell out of his chair. The following day, I brought this up to other seminarians, who in turn criticized me for being “uncharitable” and “gossiping.” One former seminarian recently spoke to me and told me that he was being “groomed” by another faculty member, but when he came forward, it was his word against the faculty’s, and he lost. I myself brought my concerns to my vocations director as well as my formation advisor. My vocations director told me he would inform my bishop. I begged to be transferred to a different seminary, but I was refused. My formation advisor told me that there were “snakes in the grass”, and that I had to learn to play the game — he said that the seminary culture & inappropriate behavior by other faculty members was out of his control.

I kept to myself during those two years, and became more and more isolated. I stopped attending daily Mass and the recitation of the Divine Office, preferring to stay in my room and try to sleep my way through the day. Eventually, the rector of the seminary offered to pay for me to see a therapist, which I did. After speaking with the therapist as well as my spiritual director, I left seminary in 2016.