We No Longer Submit to ‘Arranged Marriages’
By: Hurriya Burney
Tags: Culture, Love, Women, Relationships, Marriage

Today, arranged marriages in the South Asian community are still alive. Although, they’re slowly choking as societies open their doors to progress, despite patriarchy’s loud cries.

To adapt, they’ve metamorphosed. They are now referred to as ‘introductions’ made by the parents. The prospective couple is allowed to meet and talk — sometimes under the watchful eye of the parental guardians.

They exchange phone numbers. They may even go out for a chaste date or two. Most importantly, they are asked to consent to the union before the parents go out and buy garlands.

Alongside this, ‘love marriages’ are flourishing. Men and women are allowed to mingle more. They study together. They forge friendships that blossom into relationships.

There’s much debate in South Asian society about which is the right option — traditional ‘arranged marriages’ or newly emboldened ‘love marriages’.

Proponents of arranged marriages claim they ensure that families are invested in resolving inevitable differences between the couple. If things go wrong, both spouses have an easy out. The union was prescribed by the parents, after all.

On the flip side are the people that believe arranged marriages to be a quaint anachronism from a bygone era. With today’s short attention spans and societal freedoms, young people don’t have the patience and capacity for sacrifice required to make arranged marriages work.

Defiant young people claim they don’t need their parents’ blessing to pursue relationships on their own. They’re no longer slaves to their elders’ decisions.

Image by Neil Dodhia from Pixabay

I grew up in a family that vilified love marriages.

People that chose their own spouses were misfits that dishonored their families. When my uncle married a woman from work, his family shriveled in shame — and pretended that the marriage had been arranged.

Despite growing up surrounded by this disdain for love unions, my generation didn’t care. We were determined to forge our own paths.

My brother and I chose our spouses after lengthy relationships that involved sharing a roof. Most of my cousins followed suit by boldly exercising their right to choose their life partners.

And slowly the stigma has started to dissolve.

Because things can go horrifically wrong, whether the marriage was the couples’ choice or arranged by the parents.

But if you choose your own spouse, a breakdown in your marriage is your fault only.

A cousin, Sarah, married a boy of her choosing when she was 22 years old. She quickly became pregnant, delivered a daughter, and became pregnant again.

Today, she is back in her childhood home, living with her parents. The boy that had seemed so promising in the flush of young love turned out to be a wastrel and a drug addict — unable to hold down a job.

My cousin is now working two jobs as a schoolteacher to support her daughters. Their father hasn’t paid child support in months. When the couple divorced, my cousin’s parents — my aunt and uncle — blamed her.

She had made a rash decision And once married, she had refused to try to make it work with her husband, never mind his long absences and glazed eyes.

Sarah’s story is in stark contrast to another marital tragedy in my family. Only this cousin, Sam, married the teenaged girl his parents chose for him. She was a child of divorce, raised by a single mother with a flourishing legal career. She was tall, beautiful and had appropriately downcast eyes — at the beginning anyway.

But it wasn’t long before the emotional manipulation started. My cousin lived oceans away from his parents in the UK. His wife-to-be started distancing him from his family before the wedding. After the wedding, he cut off contact.

Every few years, he reaches out to ask for money — despite his six-figure job as an engineer at a tech company. Every time, he promises to pay his father back — and has a convenient excuse ready for the next time.

My company might lay me off. I’ve just lost my job. My visa application got declined.

And yet, his parents cannot quite bring themselves to blame their son. After all, they had arranged the marriage.

These two situations are quite different — but in both, the parents are looking for someone to blame. The fact that the woman is blamed in both situations doesn’t escape me. In South Asian society, women are usually at fault when a marriage breaks down.

But these situations also highlight the dichotomy between love and arranged marriages. In either case, things can go horribly wrong.

Human relationships are messy. But if you choose your own spouse, you and only you carry the blame for your terrible choices.

But is that really a bad thing?

Because when you choose your own spouse, you take responsibility. You have control. You can’t hide behind the facade of a cuckolded child, coaxed into an untenable situation by the guiding hand of your parents.

For better or for worse, you preserve your autonomy. And that’s what being an adult is all about.

If you enjoy my writing, consider joining my email list.

Related Reads: