Your Holi-Do’s and Don’t Be a Dummy Instagram Guide
Tags: Food, Instagram, Social Media, Humor, Fire

Your Holi-Do’s and Don’t Be a Dummy Instagram Guide

For once, our sad food porn is just the ticket

Daria Shevtsova for Pexels

Look, I get it. You need to be seen. It is the holidays, the happiest, least bummy time EVER and unless you document the season on social media then truly, you are just the tree that landed in the forest and moldered away into oblivion.

But it’s also a worldwide absolutely-not-the-flu pandemic with increasingly alarming daily stats and stories. So, to be responsible — and still follow through with your mantra (‘I Gram to Know I Am’) — consider the following suggestions.

1.) Fires — They are the lava lamp of the natural world. Think Burning Man bonfires without the chain mail bustier tops and Ecstasy. Better yet, posting a photo of your own little campfire or home hearth shows that you are both introspective and chill. You’re simply going to kick back and pass the Courvoisier until this is all over. Three million people on Instagram can’t be wrong.

2.) Food — Normally, people are unmoved by your DIY food porn. That sad little Eggo doesn’t look any sassier because you unloaded a carton full of strawberries and whipped cream on it and your homemade guacamole smacks of something that demands an SOS to the school janitor. But now? Bring on your phallic Yule Log cakes, breasty boiled potatoes, and simmering crockpot roasts. We want it all, bad.

3.) Nature — There has never been a better time to get your Ansel Adams on. You best believe that the meadow you aggressively filtered after your powerwalk is going to get a lot more love than your kids fist-bumping Plexiglass Santa. Because nature is delightfully uncontroversial. It also helps illustrate the point that you are following the rules. You are a rock. You are an island in the stream. You are the insignificant speck atop the mountain, and Clarendon drives that point home way better than Gingham or Moon ever could.

4.) Pets — You know who can be tangled up together, unmasked, looking adorable for the camera without an avalanche of condemnation right now? The litter of puppies your dog just had. This also goes for kittens and rabbits. But never gerbils. Being exposed to something that resembles a giant gummy worm — and might be eaten by its mom in a Darwinian game of musical chairs — is a little too much truth right now. But even if your pet is not procreating, they can still be grist for the mill. Pumpkin the Raccoon fell out of a tree and was adopted by a family who set her up with an account. Guess who had more than a million followers when she died? When life gives you lemurs, use them.

5.) The Hemsworth brothers — Luke, Chris, or Liam, it matters not. If there’s a choice between your house-full-of-people holiday gathering and any Hemsworth — please, for the love of all that is tender and good in the world, find a picture of Chris surfing, or Liam surfing, or Luke, surfing, and use that image instead. And if you come across a photo of them around a fire with their dogs and their s’mores, the silhouette of a beach cherry tree in the background? You have truly hit the motherload. Or what I like to call a Gram Grand Slam. Don’t fret that it’s not you. We certainly won’t.