It’s going well. And I am terrified.
By: Less Money, More Life
Tags: Financial Planning, Budget, Money, Fear, Financial Freedom

I have been sitting on this post for a week because I am too scared to reveal how things are going well.

Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash

You see, I am making progress — proper, honest to goodness, paid off 11% of my total debt in just three months progress. It’s the kind of moving forward I never thought I could ever, ever, EVER do. But I have done it and I am so frightened I want to run away and hide and burn it to the ground.

WTF is going on.

Before I talk about my fear. Let’s start with the reality because the progress is significant.

Since starting with my money coach on 18 February 2019, I have paid back 11% of my total debt, increased my net worth by 35% (combination of less debt, finding some money I forgot I had in Bitcoin and a rental deposit, a gift from my parents, investments increasing in value and saving), kept to my budget within R1k every single month for three months (In. A. Row) and I actually have a savings account with actual money in it.

I can’t even explain how unexpected this result is. Three months of paying attention to my money, facing reality as it is rather than as I want it to be and saying no to things and my world has changed.

What’s also incredible is that I had a great time. I went on a dance retreat, ate sushi, got my hair cut, saw some theatre — it’s not like my life was poverty central. It was rich and full.

But if it’s all so good. Why am I in such a panic about it?

I have some thoughts on this:

1. It feels too good to be true. Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t trust that this is real. My money life has been so full of fear and lack for so long that this new reality is almost too much for me. (Cue Matrix quote from Agent Smith about how when they first designed the matrix it was one where no-one suffered — but no one would accept the program because in Smith’s view “human beings define their reality through suffering and misery.”)

2. It means I am actually not a victim. I am able to do this. I can move my reality if I really want to. This is terrible news! It means my money misery is officially of my own making. Decades of drama and now I have to totally own it as all mine. No Man! 🙈

3. I can really start thinking about what I want. If this continues, I can plan what to do with my money. I have spent years just in the ‘now’ of my finances with no elasticity to imagine beyond an ‘if I win the lottery’ kind of dreaming. Now I can think about what I want to build with my money. The pressure… Do I really want to own a house? Do I really want a car that goes off-road? Do I really want to do a yoga/ dance/ meditation month in Europe? I can make choices. Yikes.

There is only one thing to do here. I am going to give my fears a soothing cup of tea and ask that they step aside.

I am going to keep doing this thing. If I truly hate being out of debt, able to plan and living my best life I can always get another credit card and be right back in my familiar pay cheque to pay cheque existence in a matter of months. Jokes. That is absolutely not gonna happen! This current money reality is officially my new normal. (For now.)