Let’s Face It: We’re All Judgmental
By: Kaila Martinez
Tags: People, Personal Growth, Personal Development, Humanity, Mindfulness

Let’s Face It: We’re All Judgmental

Two simple questions that can help you cultivate more mindful behavior

We live the smallest portion of our lives in pure curiosity and wonder about the world. At least most of us, and yes you probably guessed it, it is during our childhood. When we are children, everything in the world is new, fascinating, peculiar; we are filled to the brim with inquisitiveness, but as we age, and as the external expectations lay heavier on our shoulders, we lose this curiosity of the world. We take whatever knowledge is already stored away to apply judgments to people and objects throughout our life. This shift is not necessarily at the fault of anyone in particular — not our parents, grandparents, friends, coworkers — but rather society as a whole.

I find this shift destructive because as we continue to apply broad assessments to complex people or situations, our openness to understand continually degrades. We become closed off, unwilling to budge on our prejudices (and prejudices are not all about race); we create barriers between us and them, which only breeds mistrust and undoubtedly misunderstanding.

Photo by Oscar Keys on Unsplash

Over time, I have adopted the habit of asking myself how and why I approach the world the way I do because I realized that for so long, I had been surrounded by like-minded individuals who fostered a sense of comfort — comfort that led me to arrogantly believe my perception, or rather our perception, of the world was “correct.” I thought I was open to diverse opinions or beliefs, but I was not. This was not made apparent until I was pushed outside of my comfort zone and forced to listen to ideas that ran counter to my beliefs. And while the experience was sometimes frustrating, sometimes absolutely irritating, I am thankful for these challenges, because I was able to see just how closed off I had become.

What follows is a reflection of how humans typically approach the world; why we default to quick judgments; and not only how, but why it is important, to challenge our thoughts and behaviors. Just as children explore the world with an air of curiosity and wonder, sans judgments, I believe adults can relearn this skill to break down our inherent mistrust for the unknown.

We’re No Better Than Cave Dwellers

I am not an expert, but I have read enough to gain a basic understanding of human evolution. If you already comprehend this topic, just bear with me for a quick recap:

Millions of years ago, the first humans lived in a very different world where threats of being eaten alive by predators were at the forefront of their minds. Anything that deviated from the “normal” or “safe” was seen as a threat as a way to preserve their lives.

Human evolution has taken millions of years to get to where we are now, so in the grand scheme of humanity, the aspects of “modern” civilization are just a snippet of time. As James Clear stated in his book Atomic Habits, our brains still resemble the needs and desires of our paleolithic ancestors. Today, however, the amount of information we must process is a thousand-fold; a challenge our ancestors had the privilege to evade.

Photo by Tim Oun on Unsplash

So how does “self-preservation” translate to modern times? Well for one, our brains try to distinguish between what is “safe” and what is “dangerous,” leading us to apply the same level of distrust for humans with different backgrounds or of diverse opinions the same way our cave-dwelling ancestors did with wild predators way back when. I’ve always found it quite interesting to realize that sure, our brains are quite remarkable and can achieve wondrous things, but also, our mind is quite simple and easily manipulated.

Knowing this basic premise, it should feel ridiculous that we have so much distrust in our modern world. I believe we can do better than our ancestors, and quite frankly, we should be striving for this every day. While we cannot necessarily change our brain’s automatic functions, we can counter our default judgments and behaviors by simply questioning them. Our world is so complex, but that is no excuse to harbor mistrust that is founded in ignorance of the unknown.

The Power of Simple Questions

We are quite impressionable creatures. Our minds make quick judgments every second of the day, a majority of which we do not even question. For instance, if the ones we surround ourselves with have a distaste for another group of people, we typically fall victim to the same beliefs. It would be impossible to track our every thought and behavior, but it is feasible to adopt snippets of curiosity that trick our brain into being more mindful.

I am a huge proponent of slowing down in our fast-paced world, and this can mean different things for different people. For me, slowing down my judgments is manifested in asking myself two main questions:

Why do I feel this way? Why am I associating this person/thing/activity in a positive or negative light?

A huge misconception many people have is that adopting mindful behavior means that you must have the answers to your inquiries; this is not the case. Instead, the process of questioning will pinpoint habits of thought, ones that originated in our subconscious brain when we were not paying attention. Over time, these habits will become so obvious, they will be impossible to ignore. Asking these questions has two main benefits.

First, it makes you take a step back, which is the initial step needed to uncover where our perceptions of the world stem. So often, we are viewing the world on a surface level because of the quick associations our mind has created for us. By taking a step back, we can start to assess the whole picture.

Second, the more you adopt this into your life, the more automatic it becomes to be mindful of your behavior. If we can be better than our paleolithic ancestors by actually understanding the motives of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, well, I would label that a huge win.

When I started assessing my negative associations — be it social media, individuals, or modes of expression — I found that many of my assumptions were not only wrong but usually grounded in my insecurities. This may not be the case for everyone, but typically if we feel “threatened” by something, we want to label it as “bad.” However, “bad” does not necessarily mean “deadly” in our modern world, but unfortunately, human evolution has not caught onto that fact. What we label negatively has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves, and only by getting to the root of our issues can we uncover, and subsequently correct, those negative associations.

Being Wrong Is Okay

An interesting story was shared with me recently about a man named Daryl Davis, a black gentleman who has spent the better part of the past 30 years befriending members of the Ku Klux Klan. When I came across this story, I admired Davis for his courage but also for challenging base-line assumptions. I imagine your automatic judgments of Ku Klux Klan members is about as simplistic as mine: racist individuals who are ignorant and dangerous. But Davis was not content in settling for what everyone else believed. Following his curiosity, he would sit down with these individuals to have conversations and the occasional dinner, slowly breaking down their assumptions of people of color. Both directly and indirectly, Davis influenced 200 Ku Klux Klan members to turn in their robes for good.

Photo by Gary Butterfield on Unsplash

This is a heroic feat, and Daryl Davis’s story does not need to be the measure by which we challenge our assumptions. However, I believe the principle of his story is important for us all to remember: when you do your research and challenge your beliefs by actually investigating, you may discover that your assumptions were wrong. In Davis’s story, what he proved was that Ku Klux Klan members are people worthy of compassion for their neighbors of color; that they were people and all they needed was exposure to the “other” they saw as a threat.

It is much simpler to accept what our cultures tell us to believe. But this is also the breeding ground for ignorance. For the retired KKK members, it was easy to hate black individuals because they had never interacted with one; once they had, it was a lot harder to give in to their ignorance.

Going Forward

I am convinced that many of the problems in our world stem from misunderstanding. Misconceptions feed into our fears, and we would much rather stay in our comfort zone than challenge our views; It requires less effort. But as I have tried to illustrate, quick judgments are just prehistoric presets for our mind, and challenging them does not need to be exhaustive.

When I think about distrust or distaste, I often try to ask myself if I would find it fair were someone to think ill of me or my beliefs, without giving me the chance to disprove their assumptions. Now I know not everyone feels the need to be a people pleaser, but the notion still stands that it is a lot easier to dislike someone or something when you do not understand the full story. I used to be very judgmental, and admittedly I still default to these negative emotions at times. I am only human. But I put in the work to challenge myself because hate will only breed hate. I cannot express negativity and expect positivity in return.

If you walk away from a situation or a person feeling negative, ask yourself “Why do I feel this way?” Do not expect an answer, as one may not be apparent just yet. But with time, developing the habit of understanding these emotions can help untangle your views of the world. This can be done for positive emotions too; it is beneficial to know what brings us joy, so we can add more of that to your life. Just make sure it is for the right reasons.

Remember that everyone tends to highlight the negative to “preserve” life. For this reason, we should not always believe the automatic assumptions our brain lays before us. Be wary of your mistrust and your dislike; if you investigate your thoughts and emotions more deeply, you may find that you misjudged the situation.