The Gospel Of Festivus
By: Page Barnes
Tags: Humor, Television, Life, Culture, Holidays

The Gospel Of Festivus

And so it was, that on that date that after consuming a couple of martinis, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered.

The Original Festivus Pole — Mo Riza — https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:NYCS_R40_4247_interior.jpg

And it came to pass on the 23rd of December in the year of some people’s Lord, Nineteen Hundred and Sixty something, in the Borough of Queens in the City of York the New, that a woman, great with child, who was not a virgin because she had been impregnated by her husband, came upon her time to bring forth her child.

And so it was, that on that date that after consuming a couple of martinis, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And lo, she had one last cigarette before she was wheeled into the delivery room where she was put under general anesthesia — because that’s how babies were born in the Sixties.

And she brought forth the child, woke from sedation, reached for her pack of cigarettes, and gave her child to the nurse so that she could get a good night’s sleep. Because in the Sixties, mothers were not kicked out of the hospital immediately after giving birth and breast was not best.

And because the hospital was in the City of York the New, there were in the area a not-so-heavenly host of persons clinging with great strength to a subway pole. And, lo, a rat with wings came upon the pole-clingers, and they were sore afraid because rats should not have wings. And they definitely should not be flying through a subway car. And the rat with wings said unto them, “Fear not: for, behold, I bring you tidings of marginal interest, which shall be of no importance to all save a few.” And everyone freaked out because it’s one thing for rats to fly, but it’s another thing entirely when they start talking.

The flying rat continued, “For unto you is born this day in the City of York the New, a child who shall be a bitter disappointment to its parents and shall the be subject of many airings of grievances by all people. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in clothes that could cause strangulation, lying in a bassinet that shall, in years to come, be considered a suffocation danger to newborns. And what with the prenatal cigarettes and martinis, the bottle feeding, the dangerous bedding and no car seats to speak of, thou shalt be amazed that the babe shalt survive to adulthood.”

And suddenly there was a multitude of rats with wings, praising the higher power of your choice (or no higher power at all if you’re not into higher powers), and saying, “Lo, we bring you tidings of comfort and joy. For from this day forward, thou shalt celebrate the birth of the babe on the 23rd day of December as ‘Festivus’ and thou shalt perform feats of strength like clinging to a subway pole, and thou shalt air thy grievances on that day.”

And it came to pass, as the rats with wings were gone away from them, the pole-clingers said one to another, “Let us now go even unto the Borough of Queens and see this thing which is come to pass, which the rats with wings hath made known unto us. Because following the direction of flying rats maketh perfect sense.”

And they came with haste and found the parents and the babe. And lo, the parents looked upon the persons with the subway pole they had brought forth with them and sayeth, “Thy subway pole appeareth to have a very high strength-to-weight ratio.” And the pole-clingers danced around the unadorned subway pole in celebration. And there was much rejoicing.

And behold, there also came three wise guys to the Borough of Queens, saying, “Where is the babe that is born the inspiration for this gathering? For we are come to say nice things about the babe to its parents even though we really think that all newborns are boring and look squishy… Yep. This one in particular.”

And when the wise guys were come into the house, they saw the babe with its parents and fell down on their knees. Because the wise guys were drunk. And when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto the babe gifts of gold and frankincense and myrrh. Only without the gold — the wise guys, being wise guys, just brought frankincense and myrrh. And the babe’s parents wondered WTF they were going to do with frankincense and myrrh and aired their grievance that the wise guys should have just given cash.

And, lo, from that day forward until the end of time, the multitudes have gathered each year on the 23rd day of December to perform feats of strength, air grievances, and dance around an unadorned pole in honor of the birth of the babe, who hath grown into an excellent airer of grievances but a mediocre pole dancer at best.