The Accidental Presidency
By: Craig Allen Heath
Tags: Humor, Politics, Democracy, Trump, United States

America Needs a Mulligan

With impeachment of The Oval Office Occupant in the air around the United States like a million cow farts, I’ve come to an idea whose time may be coming: America needs a do-over.

The best way for us as Americans to emerge from the bath salts nightmare that is the Trump presidency and rejoin the community of people who do not strangle kittens at a toddler’s birthday party, is to admit it was a mistake, ask forgiveness, and move on. Standing before the mirror with our shit-stained teeth and blood-stained hands, we need to say to ourselves, “Well, that was a big, stupid oopsey-daisy. Won’t be doing that again.”

And then, not do it again. Ever. No second chances.

Likewise, we need to follow Step 9, ask forgiveness and make amends. When you go out pub crawling with your friends and puke in the back seat of Bob’s new Camaro, you need Bob to be a real pal and let it slide. You need to say you’re sorry, mean it, and pay for new seats, even if your kids must go hungry. He’ll never let you live it down, but if you never do it again, you can still count on him to help you move.

Likewise, when you spill red wine on Beth’s new white Berber carpet, you need to re-carpet her house, and swear off red wine. You won’t be asked back again, but you won’t be sued for damages and get a visit from two large guys who love the sound of bones breaking in the morning.

One-hundred-ninety-five Bobs and Beths around the globe are waiting for those new seats and carpets.

How ‘bout a do-over, Chad, old sport?

We stand, drunk and reeling, with our toes on the ledge between a salvageable nation and the dissolution of a democracy.

Letting Trump park his ass in the seat behind the Resolute Desk was a mistake, a blunder, an aberration, or at least, we need to say so and act as if that’s true. We have only this chance, only one, to get away with it.

The “Fool Me Once/Twice” principle will not allow us a second chance at electing another humanoid hell bent on self-aggrandizement and self-enrichment at the expense of, well, just about everything we call The United States of America. If we do this again then the world will know — we will know — that it is deliberate. Re-elect Trump or someone like him, and we can’t just look sheepish and shrug our shoulders like we farted in the crowded elevator. We stand, drunk and reeling, with our toes on the ledge between a salvageable nation and the dissolution of a democracy. One more step and we’re free-falling into the abyss reserved for all other nations who handed their power to a bridge troll and his minions.

But if we pull our fingers out of our asses long enough to do the right thing this time, we might just get away with it.

Ha-ha, just kidding, world! We would never do anything like that again! It was just one of those benders, you know, like the first time you hit the Vegas Strip at 1 am and wake up in a dumpy Motel 6, naked and covered in vomit and blood after your hooker’s pimp broke your jaw and stole everything you had.

A lark! A spree! High spirits, what what?

We need a Mulligan, and we need to take it. We only get one.