Here’s What Happened When Men Took to Twitter to Discuss Toxic Masculinity
By: Ratna Gill
Tags: Masculinity, Mental Health, Gender Equality, Equality, Beyourself

You can’t find a decent stock photo on the internet of men or masc-identifying people in a close, platonic friendship. Trust me; I know because I’ve tried repeatedly as we create materials for The BoyTalk Project, and I end up using the one above. Every. Single. Time.

Our society hardly has a vocabulary for what deep male friendships look like. When I say “girltalk,” you’ve got a pretty good (gross) idea of what I mean — we’re giggling at a sleepover, painting our nails, reading fashion magazines, and talking about boys. In my mind, the closest analog for what that kind of bonding looks like for boys is “locker room talk”…and that’s not pretty.

This is why I was grateful and — if I’m being honest — kind of overwhelmed, by the outpouring of vulnerable, supportive, raw, constructive conversation that took place tonight when we created a space for men to discuss the relationship between mental health and masculinity.

For World Mental Health Day, Aangan Trust curated a conversation about how rigid gender norms impact men’s mental health. The tone of the conversation was one of camaraderie and support — men showed weakness in dialog with one another, lifted one another up, and held one another in their vulnerability. We had invited a dozen or so individuals and organizations to take part to celebrate the launch of #BoyTalk, an initiative to encourage candid conversations about gender and identity among young men in India’s poorest communities. Close to 50 participants stumbled upon the chat and answered the following questions.

What is your definition of “toxic masculinity”?

Ravi Verma, Asia Regional Director for the International Center for Research on Women, responded, “Toxic masculinity is a set of norms, attitudes and behaviors to justify dominance and violence to sustain unequal power relations. Both men and women engage with them. Men more seamlessly, whereas women learn to use them as they gain power.” Mihir Parekh, a Research Assistant at IIM Bangalore, who organizes Men’s #MeToo meets in the city, replied, “I believe that toxic masculinity is a social structure that enforces rigidity and sets in a standard which the men of society are expected to meet. It is a painful setting that undermines anybody who fails to meet the stereotypical setting of what a ‘man’ should be. The fundamental issue lies in how this social structure thrusts particular gender norms and expectations that are not axiomatic whereas society at large has conditioned itself to act as though they are, and ostracize people who challenge it.”

Speaking as a father, Daddy Files founder Aaron Gouveia said, “It’s every time someone tells a boy he ‘throws like a girl.’ Every time someone explains away bad behavior with ‘boys will be boys.’ Toxic masculinity is everywhere and must first be recognized before we can battle it.” New Mexico Poet Laureate Hakim Bellamy agreed: “To know who you want to be, you have to also know who you do not want to be. Toxic masculinity is a straw man, a false narrative, a narrow and unrealistic notion of what manhood is supposed to be.”

What do you think rigid societal gender norms take away from men and boys and how does this impact their mental health?

“Societal gender norms took away my freedom to be me: I couldn’t dance my heart out, smile excessively, or be overtly expressive. The guilt of not being manly enough takes a toll on you; no one deserves that stress and anxiety,” reflected Sagar Galani, a recent Cornell graduate who recently started publishing feminist critiques of popular films. Abhijit Das of the Center for Health and Social Justice replied, “Boys don’t cry; they don’t share. Men are taught to be strong, like the rod that doesn’t bend, so it finally breaks. The pressure builds up with the many stresses in life. Men can’t share so they don’t seek help.”

Parekh shared, “I believe that rigidity in the face of gender is counterintuitive. Norms cannot be attached to a particular gender, simply because no one action, idea, or thought can be married to a particular gender. You cannot have a ‘Holy Grail’ of what men are supposed to be, and ridicule people whose actions fall outside of them. Rigid gender norms tend to take away freedom from the men in society who wish to express themselves in their own unique way — that in itself is a fundamental violation.”

“It takes away our childhood, frankly. The ability to feel unsure, afraid, sad, vulnerable, weak, is part of our socio-emotional development as humans, regardless of gender. When that is socialized out of us at a young age, it turns into stress,” wrote Bellamy. Verma replied, “Gender norms homogenize men. They create a monolithic idea that only celebrates power and dominance, and deprives men and boys of their abilities to anticipate and address their own vulnerabilities. This contributes to the fact that men and boys comprise two-thirds of those who die by suicide each year.”

Why do you think is it important for boys and young men to discuss their relationship with masculinity and what most often stands in the way of these conversations?

Abhijeet Dipke, Social Media Lead for the Aam Aadmi Party, responded:

“The thing that stands in the way of these conversation is one sentence: ‘C’mon — be a man.’ This one sentence asks a man to act as though he is not human — that is — not to express himself and discuss his problem.”

Parekh agreed, “When speaking to sexual abuse and harassment victims, I learned that the biggest obstacle to talking about masculinity through any narrative is: fear. Fear of being judged, excluded, hurt and, most importantly, misunderstood. I believe that men face trouble in articulating such thoughts simply because there is a sheer lack of importance attached to such discussions, and there is a sheer lack of education. Men aren’t taught that their voices are important in the narrative of gender, sex, and masculinity.”

Kumar Manish, an advisor at the Center for Communication of Child Rights, replied, “Boys and young men need an understanding space and comfort to express freely without being judged — be it at home, school, college, or their workplace. Men and boys have to discuss their relationship with masculinity, because it impacts their mental and physical wellbeing. Expectations from society and family stand in their way of discussing their masculinity freely and openly.”

Rajesh Tandon, President of Participatory Research in Asia, shared, “Whenever I tried to start such effort when I was a student, I felt my peers were making fun of me. Peers mattered more than parents or teachers. It has become easier with age and fatherhood.”

Bellamy noted, “Social learning is a primal and primary mode of learning for humans. We learn our first words through imitation, by studying the speech patterns of our family members, those around us. This language of healthy masculinity must be performed. It must be practiced. As a linguist of sorts, I must speak to the importance of talk. the archetypal men of the generation before me asserted their masculinity through talk of conquest, violence, and hypersexualized desire — we talk how we live. And if we can use words to mask, we can also use words to heal.”

What is the most impactful thing that men can do to be kinder to themselves?

Das replied, “Share your emotions when you feel distressed and dejected. It is not wrong to show compassion or seek help. Don’t feel that you are not ‘man enough’ if you want to cry and vent. Build a relationship; create a safe space to share. Support each other and celebrate a new compassionate brotherhood.”

“I’m often confused about what’s harder: freeing myself from people with toxic thoughts or admitting I possess toxic thoughts. Both are required to make an impactful change,” reflected Galani.

Ong added, “We need to acknowledge that some things have deep spiritual/emotional impacts on us. Another thing is leaving behind homogeneous views of ourselves: persecution complexes, self-flagellation, social expectations and labels! Verma suggested that we “begin to treat sons differently, prepare schools to talk about men’s vulnerabilities from very early…” while Parekh underscored the importance of “just acknowledging one another’s pain or suffering and not kicking each other when we’re already down.” He went on, “Mental health is important across the gender spectrum and it is vital that men learn that “man up” and “men don’t cry” are not tools to help those in need.”

What was your biggest takeaway from being part of this conversation today?

Eugene Ong of Silakbo reflected, “As much as toxic masculinity is a dominant belief system, there are people who want to push back against that and imagine a better way of being masculine. I hope we all support each other more — it’s not easy but it’s necessary!”

Das summarized, “You won’t be a ‘sissy’ or less of a man. Seek help if you feel distressed or dejected, or feel like venting out your emotions. Be compassionate and share.”

Parekh shared:

“I think the biggest takeaway from this conversation for me, is happiness. Happiness that other men agree with everything discussed, support each other in the endeavor to combat rigidity, and understand how mental health is a crucial part of everyone’s lives. Thank you.”

As a moderator, it was refreshing, uplifting, and grounding to take part in such a mutually respectful and healing conversation about masculinity. I hope that men around the world will continue to seek out such spaces, and to carve them out for one another where they are lacking — to continue to deepen our understanding of masculinity, and how it can co-exist with mental health and happiness.