9 Things I Learned as a New Dad. Use as many wipes as it takes to make…
Tags: Dads, Parents, Parenting, Baby, Parenting Advice

As you slog through the uncharted seas of endless diaper changes and being peed on, pooped on, and puked on, take heart. It’s important to remember that you are not alone. Right now, there are bazillions of other first-time dads who are figuring it all out as they go along too. Lovable goofs, fumbling and bungling their way through each new and scary day, doing their best, yet still struggling to not feel like an utter failure.

Here are a few tips to help all new dads struggling to find a foothold in the scary land of New-Daddom:

1. Get into shape while you can (hint: preferably not round)

Seriously, if you’re not already in shape, you’re gonna want to get that way before baby is on the scene. You‘re going to be carrying all manner of heavy things, bending and contorting yourself into pretzels, holding your precious newborn for long periods, often in incredibly odd and uncomfortable positions. Having as much strength as you possibly can will serve you well both now and as baby gets older (i.e., more mobile.) Take care of yourself as best you can because now you’ve got to be strong so you can take care of this little one.

2. Stock up on essentials like you’re prepping for the apocalypse

If you think you’ve stocked up on enough of the essentials — diapers, wipes, formula, bottles, pacifiers, etc. — you’re wrong. Cute. But wrong. Go back to the store and buy at least twice as much of everything. You’ll be amazed at how many diapers you will go through in a very short amount of time. You’ll wonder how in the hell did 9 pacifiers go missing in as many days? This is one area where it’s definitely better to be overly prepared rather than not. You don’t want to run out of formula in the middle of the night. Or ever.

3. If you don’t already drink coffee, now is a great time to start

Nearly every new parent will tell you that they couldn’t survive without coffee. I whole-heartedly echo this sentiment. However, I see your caffeine intake and raise you by 4 — specifically 4 times the amount of caffeine in normal coffee. What am I talking about? Death Wish Coffee. That’s what. Know about it. Trust me. It’s the only reason I am alive today. You’re welcome.

4. Sleep is your coolest friend you’ll, unfortunately, never hang with again

Sleep deprivation is a powerful and effective form of torture. Your new little one will unintentionally(?) inflict this cruelty upon you without the slightest regard for your mental or physical well-being. All kidding aside, though, you’ll never sleep again. You will nap. You will not sleep. You’ll start to feel like you’re going crazy, but eventually, you’ll learn to function on less and less sleep. Thankfully, this won’t last forever (it’ll just feel like it.) By the time your wee one is a few months old, he or she should be sleeping for longer stretches at a time. It‘s of the utmost importance that you realize that this is also your time to sleep, and it’s all you get. So, get it while the getting’s good because once it’s gone, baby, it’s gone! You can opt to empty the dishwasher or start that load of laundry, but infants will only rest for so long, and you can only spend your “free time” one way.

5. Diapers are a special kind of hell

Some things you can’t unsee. The good news here is that you will quickly build up an immunity to the visual and olfactory assault you’ll regularly be subjected to. Indeed, some horrific things will come out of your little bundle of joy that will not make sense to you (how did something like that come out of something so cute?) Bewilderment is a common reaction, but once you’ve changed your first several hundred diapers, you’ll soon become more grossly impressed — fascinated even — than appalled. Occasionally though, there will still be those times when you’re like goddamn WOW! Don’t be afraid to use as many wipes as it takes to make you feel okay with your life choices.

6. Time is a meaningless construct

What is today? Monday? Thursday? What month is it? Are we still in 2020? When did I shower last? Does it really even matter? Is my newborn going to judge me if I wear the same t-shirt for the 3rd day in a row because I have no idea when I last did laundry? (Answer: no.) If you’ve ever maintained any sort of regular schedule, get ready to throw that shit straight out the nearest window. You’ll be awake all hours of the night. You’ll find a half-hour in the middle of the day to take a victory nap (any nap you get to take is now considered a victory nap.) You’ll put all sorts of things off, not because they aren’t important, but because your choices in how you spend your time are no longer going to be dictated by you, but rather by this tiny person who is as much authoritarian as they are adorable.

7. All baby gear is not created equal

Who knew that babies required so many accessories? You’ll find an endless deluge of lists online filled with baby-related products that people will absolutely swear by and label as “must-haves,” but you honestly don’t need (and won’t use) half of this crap. Sure, there are things you’ll have to have (car seat, stroller, bassinet, changing pad, bathtub, to name a few), but here’s a short list of really useful crap you will actually use the crap out of:

Whatever you decide to buy, always read the reviews first and ask yourself if you really need it or if that money could be better spent on something more practical (like the kid’s college education or some good booze.)

8. Babies have cues you’ll learn to read

Here’s a fact that is as annoying as it is true: every baby is different. What works for one baby may not work for another. If only there were a rule book that applied to every baby. Alas, no such animal exists. However, all babies do have their own cues, and you can learn what your baby needs by learning to pay close attention to their moods, mannerisms, and most obviously, their cries. It will take a few weeks to begin to understand the difference between your baby’s hungry cry, sleepy cry, or “hey boss, this diaper ain’t gonna change itself” cry, but there are definite distinctions between these various squalls. Becoming aware of them early on will go a long way towards a happier baby (and, by extension, happier parental units.)

9. Babies take sacrifice and hard work — but never was anything more worth it

Babies require an obscene amount of work, but without a doubt, your little snuggums is going to make your freaking heart melt and ooze out of your chest the first time you hold them, the first time they look at you, the first time they wrap their tiny little hand around your finger, the first time they smile and laugh, the first time they cling to you when they are scared or upset, the first time they call you “dada.” There are going to be a lot of really awesome “firsts.”

You’ll step back every once in a while, mind completely blown, that this tiny amazing, precious little person is your baby — and you know deep within you that there is literally no heaven or earth that you wouldn’t move to love and care for them with every fiber of your being. It’s an incredible journey you’re starting together.