Won’t Someone Please Think of the Children?
By: Kira Wertz
Tags: Transgender, Love, LGBTQ, Self Improvement, Parenting

As with many things related to Trans individuals there’s always this dichotomy between those living through it, and cisgender people thinking that they know what’s best. There’s no more polarizing point-of-view than that surrounding transgender children. Obviously my view will be a bit stilted here, but it’s imperative to note that I am not immune to the rationale coming from the counterargument. Please take the time to see where I’m coming from, and why I think your uneducated opinion about my community’s mental health is mostly derived from selfishness and fear.

It is incredibly common for transgender individuals to become aware of their gender identity before reaching puberty, but it’s also not totally textbook either. While Jazz Jennings started expressing her gender identity around the age of 4, I’d personally say I felt this incongruence starting around 1st Grade. By my own admission, much of my childhood is missing. I have fragmented memories, but the ones that stand out in my mind the most are ones relating to my gender.

As with all children who are raised to believe in an all loving God who answers prayers; I said my prayers. I probably prayed steadily for about 2 years that God would make me a girl in my sleep, and the next day no one would be the wiser. When that failed, I took to hoping aliens would abduct me. And in return for whatever twisted experiments they’d use me for I’d be rewarded with a female anatomy. Don’t you just love a child’s logic? It’s important to note that with neither implausible event occurring, I eventually experimented with self-harm; some burn marks on my left wrist still remind me of this today.

During the mid 80’s and around the same time my gender was in the forefront of my mind, my father was stricken with an illness that wasn’t immediately understood. By the time a diagnosis came it was too late to undo the damage. Encephalitis had caused his brain to swell, and ultimately left him mentally impaired to the point of being almost a child. Dad was a giant in my world; 6'6" tall, 300+lbs, he seemed like a force to be reckoned with. Ironic then that he was unseated by what doctors speculated was transmitted by way of a mosquito. While he was my dad, he was a lot of other things too; a drinker, smoker, adulterer, and sometimes an asshole. And while I’m being honest, I was never his favorite; that title fell to his first born son.

Being second string to my older brother never really bothered me. I often found myself more interested in what my mother was doing. She worked in an Ophthalmic practice in the fashion of office manager, and it was not uncommon for me to be a tagalong when she had work to catch up on the weekends. Typically I’d mule around the office playing with the toys that they had to entertain their adolescent patients, but sometimes I’d read the magazines. One day I stumbled upon an article in People magazine about two brothers in France who had transitioned. The article is in the People archive here, however what it lacks is what I remember the most, the photos (with digging I found three photos here, here , and here.) I remember seeing these women, and thinking, this is what needs to happen for me. I cut that article out, and kept it in secret. I’d read and re-read it but never mustering the courage to talk about it.

At some point I’d convinced myself that such thoughts were pointless. By this time I’d adopted a habit for overeating. Whether my gender dysphoria or father’s illness directly caused this who could say, it’s merely a point of speculation by now, though I’m sure it’s a rich tapestry of everything going on in my life at the time. I couldn’t envision myself as a pretty girl being so overweight, and I think that signaled a mental surrender to the inevitability of being male.

As strange as it sounds I began to think that at the onset of puberty I would begin to find meaning in being a man; as if testosterone would bring me in alignment with my anatomy. I remember a running gag with my mom that when I turned 13 I should have a “puberty party.” My puberty didn’t show up on time. Eventually I was taken to Children’s Hospital in Pittsburg and tested. I’m not sure specifically what the tests consisted of, but out of that I ended up receiving a series of testosterone injections to “kick start” my puberty. While I suppose it worked, I never thought it did. To say that I went through all of high school with a lot of poor masculine development would be an understatement. I couldn’t even grow a decent beard by the time I graduated. Though I had gained a lot of weight, and I tipped the scales at nearly 450 lbs at the time of my graduation.

During my whole adolescent life I’d struggled with ideation. When I was really young, I’d spend too much time trying to get the courage to hang myself. Later in life, I had possession of my father’s old Single-Action Ruger. I’d hold it to my temple cock the hammer, and pull the trigger. There was some kind of release in that. Just knowing that had I put a bullet in it, I wouldn’t be suffering anymore. But I guess I wasn’t ready, or maybe I was just a coward.

I was bullied in high school for my obesity, and after reaching out to the John and Leeza show (which quickly became known as just the “Leeza” show), I was invited to tell my story. The national audience of course was sympathetic, my school was shamed because they had ignored my cries for help, and when it was all said and done, I managed to be left alone for the last year and a half of high school. That didn’t make me skinny, and it didn’t address my issues with my gender identity. But all of these facts are relevant nonetheless.

In adulthood I have actually attempted suicide at least twice and have developed some degree of alcoholism. And everything stems from my issues of gender identity. Or more aptly put, my inability to address my gender identity when it should have been addressed before I entered male puberty. Which brings us back to my focus, thinking of the children.

Consider for a moment that you are forced to live as the opposite gender. You can’t use the right facilities, you can’t play with the right toys, the right sports, and you can’t even have friends that you identify with. All the social constructs work against you. Your voice deepens, or doesn’t. Your shoulders broaden, or never will. You’re taller or shorter than the gender you identify with. You grow breasts, or lack them. And each horrific facial hair or lack thereof is one more reason to put a bullet in your head, a hundred pills down your throat, or a belt around your neck.

This is why I must advocate for your children. If you see what I have gone through, and what I continue to go through all because of something that couldn’t have been properly addressed at that time; I’d like to think this is a no-brainer. Due to the lack of medical understanding at the time, I realize that I must not hold myself or my parents to blame. Thankfully, things are different today, children with accepting parents have the ability to live a happy life, a life without self-loathing, a life with accepting family, and most importantly a life without the thoughts of suicide.

It’s absolutely critical that parents understand the course of transition. The narrative that I often hear repeated is that it’s “child abuse” to allow a child to transition. The typical argument is that a child isn’t rational enough to know what they’re asking for, or understanding of how permanent it can be. Ironically, the people who make these statements don’t comprehend that the most extreme surgical modifications cannot be performed until adulthood. They also don’t understand the nuances of the established standards of care (WPATH) for people who identify as transgender. For the most part they make these statements without any facts whatsoever and appear to be motivated out of general disgust or religious influence.

I’m not sure where the anti-trans community came up with the idea that children were having their anatomy adjusted prior to a consensual age. Perhaps they spend too much time in Intersex forums; that community has routinely had their genitals manipulated from infancy. And it should be noted that those children often do grow up resenting the choices that their parents made with regard to their bodies. If anything these situations serve to prove that the child does know what’s best. Though one must still advocate for an abundance of education on behalf of both the parent and child.

Nevertheless, it is my opinion that any preadolescent child questioning their gender identity should have access to a gender therapist, and puberty blockers. No surgery, just guidance and puberty suspension until such time that the individual can fully understand their gender identity. After which, either hormone therapy or natural puberty would be recommended. It’s my understanding that this is the same course of action laid out by the standards of care.

Since I personally would never be a parent who would shame their trans child into living their assigned gender, I can only begin to speculate on why a parent would do such a thing.

Firstly, I believe the parent is afraid for themselves. They fear they will lose friends and family if their child transitioned. This is abhorrent to me, since the thought of losing their child to suicide should come before the loss of any relationships. It is imperative that parents realize that their social standing is irrelevant.

Second, A parent may feel unable to reconcile issues within a religious community. In which case, see my first point. If your religion is more important than the life of your child, you’re probably in the wrong religion. As far as moral goods go, we don’t need a faith to tell us that being kind to people is the right thing to do. And your children are equally worthy of that kindness.

Third, is the immutable notions that we have regarding gender. These notions seem almost hardwired, and can be difficult to challenge within our own psyche. People want to know if it’s a boy or a girl before the child even leaves the womb, but it’s becoming abundantly clear that one should not latch on to such binary notions. A father will imagine walking his girl down the aisle as much as he envisions tossing a ball around with his son. A mother may envision her son becoming a soldier and fighting for her country, or having to comfort her daughter after her first heartbreak. A transgender child shatters all preconceptions a parent may have about rearing that child. What’s important to keep in mind that your role as parent is to be their unrelenting source of love. Wavering in that means once again confronting the possibility that tomorrow your child isn’t in your world.

Forth, Parents often seem pre-disposed with the idea of legacy. While conditions do exist wherein Trans people can and have had biological children, it may also make it difficult or impossible. Personally I’ve never understood a need to perpetuate a bloodline. As it stands, the world is already ekeing toward a population tipping point. Why not consider that your child could adopt, or better yet remove the idea of legacy as being passed on through children altogether. What we pass on to others is more than DNA, but values. These are things that we can pass on to anyone, not just our children. Consider acts of compassion and love as your legacy, those things can spread out over time like ripples on a calm pond created by a playfully skipped stone. Those ripples are your legacy.

Fifth, is the fear for their child’s safety. Every parent of a transgender child knows they will be bullied. Assuming the parent has the established fortitude to fight the social stigmas that come from raising a Trans child, their focus becomes reinforcing the fortitude of the child. But the parent knows that it’s going to go beyond the schoolyard; beyond the scope of their protection. Their child may eventually go on to face prejudice in their careers, military aspirations, and romantic endeavors. The worst case scenario for some of those things can simply be rejection, however being Transgender in a dating space can have horrific consequences. Challenging the very rigid heteronormative natures that society clings to has resulted in harassment, assault, and murder. The parent needs to understand that by the time your child feels confident in their gender identity, they have already become acutely aware of the dangers. For me personally, if my life is threatened by being true to myself, it does not change the fact that that’s who I am. The reward of living as my proper identity is greater than living a less stigmatized life as someone I’m not.

It’s imperative that a parent remove themself from their child’s gender incongruence enough to realize that the parent’s life isn’t the one at stake. Do not view this as your survival, but theirs. Friends come and go, and congregations accept or shun. It’s in these situations you realize that those whom were expected to love you without conditions either succeed or fail. When that happens, you are not at fault; loving your Trans child unconditionally is the right thing to do.

With this thought in mind, I am often left wondering how many people have succumbed to an unexplained suicidal impulse because they may have been struggling with their own gender identity. By showing compassion for those in transition we send a valuable message to those in the peripheral of our lives who are desperately looking for a reason to live. Failing that, we become complicit in reinforcing their ideations. For those who think that being Transgender has become a fad; what you’re really seeing is the result of what I’ve just described. Instead of choosing death, people have come to accept themselves and their identity by seeing that they can still find love and acceptance as their true selves.

We are told that God’s love is unconditional, and as a parent, it is best to realize that your children view you as their God. Any sign that there are conditions associated with your love can potentially place your child in a life threatening situation. One disparaging remark about someone’s sexuality or gender identity can leave your child feeling unsafe. With the perceived notion that you would reject them from having similar qualities they may become isolated, withdrawn, irritable, prone to self harm, or even violent. The solution is to reaffirm them that they will never lose your love.

When I hear the naysayers call parents of trans children “child abusers” I am left bewildered. Ignoring a incongruity to the point that a child wants to harm themselves or actually does harm themselves would be abuse. These people don’t bother researching the steps of transition. What I personally find bothersome is that they aren’t even the ones coping with raising a Trans child; yet they stand on the sidelines telling you how to parent, and telling you that your child’s value is forever tethered to what’s in their underwear. Frankly I find it disconcerting when people feel the need to sexualize others whom they will never have an intimate relationship with. And for them to view a child in this manner is even more sickening.

Since Trans is a state of mind, not a genital configuration, what’s necessary for some to feel complete isn’t aligned with the ridiculous notion that we must all reach a level of surgical completion. Feeling comfortable in our bodies is the actual goal; achieving that level of comfort doesn’t require a “go big or go home” attitude. As a parent you need to realize that your child could feel complete using as little as proper name and pronouns. But ultimately their success in this life is going to be greatly derived by the love you give them.

It seems pretty common to hear parents talk about wanting a boy and a girl; my mother was no different. As a child I remember my mom saying that she was hoping for a girl after my brother was born, she said she would have called her Megan. I remember hearing that and thinking how much I wish had been that girl. I honestly don’t know how she would have responded to my gender incongruence back then, but she’s never seemed bigoted to me so I think she would have done her best to help me work through it. I came out to her in an Email entitled “Let’s talk about Megan” on September 2nd 2016. Her response came two days later, and it began like this: “As your mother my love and understanding is unconditional regardless of gender and type of sexuality. You are first and foremost my child.”

And that folks is how you parent a Transgender child!