Love Your Neighbor, but Choose Your Friends Wisely
By: Brian Tubbs
Tags: Friendship, Wisdom, Christianity, Relationships, Love Your Neighbor

We should love everyone God puts in the path of our lives, and yet at the same time, we must choose our close friends intentionally and cautiously.

Some Christians will perhaps object to this claim, arguing that the Bible teaches unconditional love and forbearance. Unfortunately, such objections speak to a misunderstanding over the nature of both love and friendship.

What is love?

The Apostle John is explicit that love will characterize those who have a genuine and authentic relationship with God.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. (I John 4:8, NKJV)

Thomas Aquinas, the 13th-century theologian, is credited with defining love as “to will the good of the other.”

The Apostle Paul explains, in his famous letter to Corinth, how love manifests.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. (I Corinthians 13:4–8a, NKJV)

Jesus is, of course, presented as the very embodiment and highest example of love since He is in fact God in the flesh. And it is Jesus who taught that the two most important divine commandments were to love God and love your neighbor (see Matthew 22:34–40 and Mark 12:28–31).

Note that the second commandment is that we “love” our “neighbor.” When Jesus used the term “neighbor,” He was referring to anyone in our life — anyone with whom we come in contact, not simply the person or persons living next door. He makes this abundantly clear with His parable on the Good Samaritan (see Luke 10:25–37).

Putting all this together, we are to love each and every person God puts in the path of our lives. And that means we are to selflessly and unconditionally desire and contribute to the good of others, and in so doing, exhibit kindness, humility, patience, and truth.

What is friendship?

While we are to love everyone, it is not possible to be friends — particularly close friends — with everyone. Indeed, the Scriptures make clear we should be wise and cautious when it comes to our friends.

The book of Proverbs, for example, exhorts:

Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go… (Proverbs 22:24, NKJV).

The Hebrew word for “friend” is ra, which suggests companionship. Indeed, we get the sense that companionship is in mind with the biblical proverb cited above. Note the phrase “with a furious man do not go….”

Go where? Well, don’t go wherever the “furious man” is going?

It’s simple. Don’t walk with angry people. Don’t hang out with people who have given themselves over to fury.

But wait! Aren’t we supposed to love people and be forgiving?

Yes, but that doesn’t mean you have to hang out with them!

There are some people we should pull away from, some people we should spend less time with than others. There are some people we should love at a distance!

This is, of course, very difficult when it comes to family. There’s an old saying: “You can choose your friends, but you’re stuck with your family.” Family relationships are often more challenging to manage. Indeed, when it comes to toxic family dynamics, you should seek professional guidance and help from a trained, qualified counselor. It’s that important.

As a general rule, however, the book of Proverbs tells us that there are some people we should hang out with and some people we shouldn’t.

There are some people we can walk through life with, and some people we can’t — at least not if we want to be emotionally, mentally, and spiritually healthy.

It is healthy, and altogether acceptable, for you to exercise some wisdom and prudence in who you embrace as a friend.

Photo by Jack Sharp on Unsplash

Everything starts with God

How you make decisions with respect to your circle of friends must start with God Himself. Remember the first great commandment:

“…And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.” This is the first commandment. (Mark 12:30, NKJV)

Your primary relationship is, and should be, with your Creator. No one is more important than God Himself. And we are commanded to love God with “all” our “heart,” “soul,” “mind,” and “strength.”

If anything or anyone comes in the way of our relationship with God, we must be willing to make the necessary sacrifice. By this, I of course do not mean a literal burnt offering on some kind of altar. I simply mean that we must choose our relationship with God over all others — and give God the preeminence to which He is entitled.

This means that I may have to sacrifice some friendships, if those friends seek to pull me away from God or, in some way, compromise my fellowship with God.

The second commandment, of course, is that we “love [our] neighbor.” Thus, to please God, we must love others. As noted above, this doesn’t mean that we will be close friends with everyone, but we must love everyone in the path of our lives.

And therefore, the only relationships which can be deemed healthy — from a spiritual standpoint — are those relationships that encourage us to love our neighbor.

Any friendship that influences or pressures you to hate your neighbor is a relationship that is ipso facto an ungodly relationship.

This is a principle described rather dramatically at the beginning of the book of Proverbs:

My son, if sinners entice you,

Do not consent.

If they say, “Come with us,

Let us lie in wait to shed blood;

Let us lurk secretly for the innocent without cause;

Let us swallow them alive like Sheol,

And whole, like those who go down to the Pit;

We shall find all kinds of precious possessions,

We shall fill our houses with spoil;

Cast in your lot among us,

Let us all have one purse” —

My son, do not walk in the way with them,

Keep your foot from their path; (Proverbs 1:10–15, NKJV)

King Solomon warns his son not to cast his lot in with bandits who would prey on the innocent for personal (or group) gain. The prohibition applies both literally and figuratively (or, we might say, proverbially).

Sadly, there are some relationships built on the premise of tearing down, ridiculing, or belittling others.

Of course, these arrangements don’t spring up in a vacuum. And rarely is there overt recruitment along the lines of “Hey, be my friend and we’ll go around and harass and mock other people.” (Possible exception for certain criminal gangs, but I’m assuming you don’t need to read an article on Koinonia to tell you to steer clear of those relationships).

What generally happens is that certain people will come into our life (or into a group or affiliation that we have) and begin to spread their toxicity. They will start to influence us in a direction we shouldn’t go.

They will spread gossip, slander, or dissension. They will manipulate, cajole, and maneuver. And, slowly but surely, whether consciously or unconsciously, they will “recruit.”

The Bible condemns such relational foundations. We are to have no part in those kinds of toxic relationships.

Now I urge you, brethren, note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and avoid them. For those who are such do not serve our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly, and by smooth words and flattering speech deceive the hearts of the simple.(Romans 16:17–18, NKJV)

Paul is warning the Roman Christians against people who, for their own gain (“their own belly”), will “cause divisions and offenses” and who will use “smooth words and flattering speech” to “deceive” people and sow division among God’s people.

Your friendships should help you better please God, and that starts with fulfilling the two greatest commandments. Those friendships that pull you away from God or inhibit your ability to love God and love others are unhealthy and should be minimized or severed.

Be wise and gracious

Establishing standards and boundaries does not mean you should become a Pharisee in your relationships. Don’t hold people to a standard of perfection. And don’t cut people off after just one or two mistakes or poor choices. (The exception to this would of course be if your safety is at risk).

Be humble. Be gracious. Realize that we’re all sinners. And understand that some people may be going through a tough time. Be willing to extend some grace and mercy.

And if you are faced with a situation where you must pull back, do so gracefully if at all possible. There’s no need to take any parting shots.

Don’t succumb to hate or bitterness.

Love everyone. Be kind to everyone. And choose your friends wisely. Not everyone can, or should, walk through life with you.

In all your decisions, be driven by love, informed by wisdom, and led by the Holy Spirit.