3 steps to believing you are doing your best
By: Megan Warren
Tags: Self Care, Self, Self Love, Self Love Techniques, Coaching

You’ve heard the expression that you can only love others as much as you love yourself. But what does that actually mean?

It means that you judge others just as harshly as you judge yourself. It means that you give others as little grace as you give yourself. It means that you speak to others the way you speak to yourself, so take note — is your tone contemptuous or curious? It means you have as much difficulty forgiving others as you do forgiving yourself when you mess up. It means when you aren’t perfect and you assassinate your character, you ascribe character faults to others when they err.

Where you have incredibly high standards, which are set to improve you based on a basic assumption that you need repairing, and which are so high that you are almost unable to meet them, and where you judge yourself as not being good enough, you don’t consciously or subconsciously truly believe in your magnificence.

Your starting point doesn’t accept that you are unbroken, have singular assets that the world needs, and are doing your very best amidst the challenges you are facing.

When I ask clients if they are doing their best, all of them laugh and shake their head. I have a very diverse client array, but their answers are homogenous. Hundreds of hours in, and I have not met a single client who — at their core — believes in their own magnificence and can look me in the eye and proudly attest to that.

If you judge your own behavior harshly, it makes sense that you would be naturally suspicious of other people, taking things personally, expecting the worst, or having trouble forgiving. Because you assume they will act just like you, and you are not kind and generous to yourself. So, it stands to reason that you can’t assume that others are unbroken or doing their best given the obstacles in their lives if you don’t apply it to yourself.

If, deep in your core, you don’t believe that anyone is doing their best, how does that affect how you approach the world?

Let’s look at an example.

Two people have a conversation about X — for this illustration, let’s say Christmas dinner plans. One comes out believing they aren’t eating together. One comes out thinking they are eating together. When this miscommunication is discovered, if they believe that basically everyone is good and doing their best, they will assume the best of the other. They will not take it personally. They will be curious about how the miscommunication occurred. They won’t attribute fault. They will give each other space to express their feelings and find a solution that works for both of them.

Where they don’t have a basic belief that everyone is trying their best, they will immediately begin to look to where they might attribute fault and shift blame. Assuming the worst of the other immediately changes the tone and the safety of their interaction. Outrage, instead of curiosity, is the active player. The sense that if you don’t have your own back, no one else is going to have it, is confirmed. Even if a solution is found, the miscommunication will feel like a raw wound for at least one participant, if not both.

You could substitute almost anything for X — an opinion, a political belief, a missed work deadline, etc. — and the outcome would be the same: assuming inherent goodness results in a safe space for engagement, whereas feeling like no one is doing their best ends on a battle zone with both sides aiming to kill.

This season, let’s change that operating pattern and give ourselves and each other the gift of assuming we are all doing our best. To do that, we have to start with ourselves.

1. Become aware of your self-judgment.

Notice and silence the Inner Critic. If you have trouble noticing judgment, start with language. Every sentence in your head that contains a should or shouldn’t, must, have to, or can’t, is judgmental. You can also use tone to scout judgment. Hear disgust, contempt, impatience in your head? Pause and listen for the judgment. What does the disgust mean about you?

Challenge and reframe your Inner Critic’s arguments. What evidence do you have that you are not good enough? What proof can you actually cite that you aren’t good enough? And beyond that, what proof have you been ignoring that you are good enough?

2. Practice self-compassion.

Whenever you think about your side of the argument, think of it from the point of view of your 10-year-old self. What is it the 10-year-old needs? To be heard, validated, or hugged? Give yourself those things. Think about it from the perspective of a good friend — tell yourself what they would tell you.

When it comes to language, flip the script. Substitute validating language for harsh language. Instead of being a disappointment, you are disappointed.

Normalize the feelings. Instead of not being enough, you feel like you are not enough because you are trying to manage an oversized quantity of work.

If you want to go a step farther, take a peek at Dr. Kristin Neff’s work: https://self-compassion.org/.

3. Sit with the feelings.

Don’t invalidate your feelings — you shouldn’t feel like that just takes you back to step 1: becoming aware of judgment.

Invalidating your feelings doesn’t make them go away. It just stuffs them in a finitely-sized box, which will overflow with enough invalidation. Replace repression with expression. Cry when you want to, whether you understand it or not. Feel frustrated, angry, resentful. Sit with it and just let it be. You’ll be amazed at how simple nonjudgmental acknowledgement can ease these feelings.

When you feel acknowledge and validated, when you understand that you are enough, when your Inner Critic is silenced you will begin to be able to sense your greatness. It’s from this perspective that you will be able to see it in others too.

Where you set growth standards, which assume you are whole and complete, but seeking learning in all situations, and where you judge yourself as being good enough, you consciously or subconsciously truly believe in your magnificence.

Your starting point accepts that you are unbroken, have singular assets that the world needs, and are doing your very best amidst the challenges you are facing.

If you judge your own behavior generously, it makes sense that you would naturally trust other people, not taking things personally, expecting the best, and easily forgiving. Because you assume they will act just like you, and you are kind and generous to yourself. So, it stands to reason that you assume that others are whole and doing their best given the obstacles in their lives because you apply it to yourself.

If each of us engaged from this perspective, imagine how the fabric of the world would change.

As with my other articles and videos, I encourage you to start developing the emotional resilience to be able to see that you and others are doing their very best given the circumstances. Start keeping a judgment journal. Note how you speak to yourself. Then look at how those judgments apply to others. Or practice self-compassion. Visit Dr. Neff’s site and do one of the meditations. Visualize giving your 10-year-old self a hug. Come back to the comments and let this community know how it worked!

If you’d like to undertake a full judgment detox and learn self-compassion, contact me to schedule a free discovery call with me. Be well!