HOW TO: Stop stressing about the vaccine
Tags: Advice For Life, Humour, Advice, Funny, Millennials

Dear Raquel,

Are you going to take the vaccine when it is available to you? I’m just not sure what’s in it. How can we know it’s safe?

Signed,

Anti VaXXX

Dear Anti VaXXX,

For insurance purposes I have to very clearly state that I am not a doctor. I am not a nurse. In fact, I used to talk SO much shit about science, which is to say I failed a lot of science classes in high school. You absolutely shouldn’t be coming to me for medical advice but, I will happily give it to you anyway, because this is a science stan account now!!!

As a member of a priority group (extrovert) I absolutely will be FIRST IN LINE whenever the government makes the call. If they were selling vaccines on the street I’d mix it up with a little chaser and toss it back like a Jager Bomb. Vaccines, much like $10 bar shots, haven’t steered me wrong yet. Personally, I like not having to worry about Mumps or Polio, it gives me more time to self-diagnose other health afflictions on WebMD. Why are you being such a downer anyway? The mere thought of the limitless potential my life will possess post-vax when herd immunity takes over is enough to float me right down to the clinic and inject myself NOW.

Also, no more COVID means my gym will finally reopen and I need that so as to keep my threadbare mental health intact. Unlike most of you I got hotter over quarantine but now I’ve got to maintain, you feel me? I’ve got bigger problems than worrying about what a bunch of the world’s best & brightest put in a vaccine that is very likely going to kick this pandemic to the curb, save a lot of lives and allow me to go back to spending too much of my time wandering around the mall.

“But Raquel, aren’t you worried about how quickly they were able to develop the vaccine? How do we know if it’s safe?”

Babe, one time I ate an entire 12” subway sandwich on the Line 2 OK? And this was back in summer 2016 before TTC sorted out their AC issue. People were dropping like flies because of the suffocating heat and I was wedged between two questionable characters forcing a cold cut combo down my throat. Why? I literally don’t know. But I did it, that is my truth. And I don’t think I need to explain to you how unsanitary it is to have a full Eat Fresh™ buffet on public transit during peak rush hour as innocent bystanders look on in abject horror. For those reasons — and many others I can’t mention here for fear of being arrested — I am not concerned about what is in the vaccine.

Cool it with your conspiracy BS because I guarantee worse things have entered you like:

1) The lemon wedge garnishing your drink — ew alert!!!! I worked as a server once for exactly one month and everyone touches these.

2) That guy at the pre drink who kept pulling out his guitar and strumming two chords of Oasis’ Wonderwall.

3) Fountain pop. I read once that soda machines often have feces in them which is sad because we all know Coke Zero from the dispenser hit diiiiiiiiiiiiFFERENT!

4) Smirnoff Vodka, raspberry flavour

To further stem your anxiety, might I suggest NOT getting your “news” from Facebook statuses your aunt shares after four glasses of chardonnay. I started following Science Sam (@science.sam) on Instagram because I am tethered to my phone and addicted to that stupid app anyway and her COVID/vaccine hot takes are really informative and accessible. So in between scrolling through photos of impossibly hot models, memes and SNL clips I can get my LEARN ON.

Join me!!!