Census workers make me run inside for cover
By: Shamontiel L. Vaughn
Tags: Census, Humor, Funny Story, The Walking Dead, Census Data

Census workers make me run inside for cover

Census workers are starting to make me feel like ‘The Walking Dead’ cast

When my Census questionnaire came in the mail months ago, I filled that form out faster than Kermit can type. Best believe I want to have a say in the number of seats my state has in the House of Representatives, and how to draw up congressional and state legislative districts.

Photo credit: Enayet Raheem/Unsplash

I want to be helpful in creating new schools; new clinics; road renovations; and more services for families, older adults and children. I’m all about the community, dammit! But right about now, I’m running away from you all like I’m a cast member from “The Walking Dead” and you saw a human breathing outside.

It started off small, with me strolling outside to water the lawn. I saw the strange young man walking back and forth, peering at doorbells. I asked, “How can I help you?” I should’ve known I was getting myself into trouble when his eyes lit up at me confirming I was the condo association president. He had a load of questions about a condo owner who moved out and needed my contact information, too. Why didn’t I just stick to spraying my weed gun like a cowboy and avoid eye contact?

Then came the next set of Census workers outside of our entryway door. They buzzed my bell, and I happily let them in. “Go ahead, Census workers, you go find those folks who didn’t fill out the questionnaire! I’ll point you to their non-stickered doors!” But then the lady zoomed in on me, the one who answered the doorbell, fully masked and insisting I answer questions about my next-door neighbor. Wait, how did I get roped into this a second time?

You’re not catching me a third time, Census workers. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t visit this much.

By the time I heard two Census workers outside greeting each other on Day 3, comparing notes about my building, I closed my blinds and peered out. If I held my breath long enough, maybe they wouldn’t hear it over my fan going or see my windows were partly open. Just. Be. Cool. They saw the blinds move, and I ducked. I remember what Daryl and Michonne used to do. You’re not fooling me. Just stand like a statue. (I had no zombie blood to rub on me.)

But it got tricky around assessment collection time. While most condo owners send electronic payments, it’s common for me to get a lot of door traffic on the first of the month. These lovely people pay on time, and that first week is nonstop doorbell rings. So obviously I’m home to buzz them in or see the checks slide under my door.

My doorbell rang 10 minutes after one owner left. I asked, “Who is it?” and was all set to press the “Door” button to let another owner in. As soon as I heard, “I’m from the Census,” I gasped and ran away again. You’re not catching me a third time, Census workers. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t visit this much. When someone doesn’t come to the door, those Witnesses knock on the next one and the next one and then don’t come back for a while. They don’t tattletale on your neighbor for not answering the door and try to catch you, too. But some of the people in my building haven’t learned. I heard someone else buzz him in and then the stomping of him running up to the top floor. He’s in the building.

Photo credit: Farrel Nobel/Unsplash

For the love of my sanity, will you anti-Census people please fill out your form? I’m dodging my windows and doors, and starting to act like I have an imaginary Katana. By the time I saw a purple flash go by my window on Day 5, I almost missed my FedEx package. The delivery driver saw me looking in the window, and I dropped to the floor and played dead like a possum. My first thought: Census workers are getting crafty and changing the work attire. I almost missed out on my new smartphone!

It takes anywhere from 1–10 minutes to fill out the Census form online. Let me go back to walking by my window at my full height and answering the doorbell in peace. Whenever I hear new voices these days, I know it’s them again. And it’s all your fault for not filling out the form. Do it today. Please and thank you.