The Journey Behind Closed Doors
By: The Little Things
Tags: Life, Improvement, Journey, Self Love, Transformation

I once read a quote that went, “Before I can be your everything, I must be enough for myself. This journey will take time, but I hope that you’ll join me”. The words placed on my screen in front of me found me and resonated in my current situation. About five months ago I found myself running from my problems, myself and shutting everything and everyone out. I was so eager to escape who I was when I finally had the chance to start over I did just that. I attempted to reinvent myself however it did not go as planned. I became someone I look back now and find dissapointing. The person I was becoming was far from taking the right steps to getting me where I wanted to be in the future. I felt like I was attracting everything I did not want and what I did want I was not ready for. Finally after a few wake up calls I realized this is not the person I want to be, this lifestyle was getting me nowhere. As a person who has always had faith and grew up with God, I do believe he knows your limits and will never push you too far past them. So just in time as I was falling into this rabbit hole and did not know what to do to fix it, I had to go home for the holidays. This was my blessing, my chance to “start over”. (I say “start over” becuase I do not regret anything in my life and I don’t think you should. Good or bad it got you to where you are now and all must happen). Before I originally left home and tried to reinvent myself, I cut off a lot of people. Even if they were super important to me. I felt used and abandoned in a few relationships, when in reality if I would of just communicated with them rather than running in the opposite direction most of it could of been resolved. I mention this because one of these people I cut off is one of the five indivsuals in my entire life I could tell anything and trust with my whole heart, call her my guardian angle but a mother figure. Weeks leading up to me going home she was constantly on my mind, but I had not a clue how to reach out since we ended on poor terms. I now know (two months later), she was having dreams about me almost every night, and could sense I needed help. After her name randomly appeared on my phone one day it was awkward at first but communication slowly started to flow again. She has ultimately been there everyday for me to listen and help me with figuring myself out. The main issue I have been struggling with is a true case of a weird circumstance and right person wrong time. Not because our timing did not line up, but because my timing did not line up. I was emotionally unavailable. No matter how bad I wanted it to work I stopped myself and the universe stopped the relationship. I knew I had to work on me. I went home for the holiday vacation and that is exactly what I have been doing. Becoming my butterfly. The progress I have made is amazing, everyday I grow. So how did I start? First, I had to accept I went down the wrong path and find what influenced me to do that. I found it was not that I wanted to be someone new it’s that I had been running away from so much that my life felt overwhelmed and all I could do was jump ship. Next I went no contact and I mean this. I went from having around sixty notifications on Snapchat at all times to having three or four. I stopped talking to everyone except extremley close friends and my guardian angle, even the boy who never leaves my mind. That is a whole other situation, but let me just say it is best for him to miss me right now, and best for me to work on myself for myself. Then I went back to the drawing board. I looked at what I was doing when I was happiest and what made me feel genuine. First, I wrote a detailed list of everything that is “my butterfly”, all the traits it is made up of. I started strengthening my relationship with god again. I began going to the gym every day, not for weight loss but rather for the endorphins I got from a good workout. I started journaling and writing about everything I was feeling. I am taking steps to love myself again, and I started taking care of myself the best I can. I began practicing gratitude, writing it down or speaking it to the universe (usually both). I have been eating well consistently, but not getting upset when I do have a comfort meal. I started doing yoga again when I remember, and I am meditating daily. I also keep myself busy by listening to audio books. I cried last night. I take daily naps, and I feel drained. It is not and instant fix and I do not have it all figured out, and anyone who says they do is full of garbage. There is also no such thing as perfect so accept that right now! Sometimes I will take three steps forward and one step back, other times I will take four steps forward and seven steps back. Everyday is different, but everyday I get up and shoot for the stars again. I will continue to do this everyday till my butterfly reaches the stars. My journey is far from over, and to the people around me it just seems I am transforming, but little do they know what goes into this journey. One major take away that I am working on right now is do not overthink, I does not help and chances are it is not true. Also detach, do not be so driven by the result. Detach and live the journey, you will get to the destination! I used to dread home, I could not wait to get as far as possible, but coming home is what saved me, thank you God.