Please Exhume President Warren G. Harding’s Hot Body So Every American Can Have A Chance To Ride His Excellent Dong
By: Gary M. Almeter
Tags: Ohio, Sex, Humor, Satire, President

Photo by Library of Congress on Unsplash

“A request by a grandson of Warren G. Harding to prove his lineage with ‘scientific certainty’ by exhuming his grandfather’s body has been denied by a judge in Ohio.” “After he ascended to the presidency, they continued their affair in ‘a small closet in the anteroom’ in the West Wing, she wrote. [The grandson] said his grandmother ‘would get the biggest smile on her face’ talking about the 29th president. ‘I want it in there,’ he said. ‘I want people to know President Harding as a man, too — as a lover and as a president.’” New York Times, December 1, 2020

We need to exhume the sexy irresistible corpse of Warren G. Harding like fucking yesterday. Why? Get the fuck out of here, “why.” When was the last time you visited Warren G. Harding’s Wikipedia page? Me? I just jacked off to his wiki page photo yesterday, so get the fuck out of my face. Go on. I’ll wait. Open a new tab on your browser and google “Warren G. Harding.” Just have a large container of Nivea Intensive Care Hand Cream and some paper towels at the ready.

Warren G. Harding is so fucking hot. Obviously he needs exhumation so the scientists or the estate lawyers or the historians or whomever the fuck needs some Harding DNA to determine ancestry and descendancy and lineagecy can get some DNA. Or whatever. Blah, blah, blah. But you know what the world needs even more? What we really really need? The world needs to get fucked by Warren G. Harding.

What does the G. stand for? It stands for “Gallons-of-hot-jizz,” that’s what. I don’t fucking know and I don’t fucking care. All I care about is that every American gets the chance to be pleasured by every inch of Warren G. Harding’s enormous, unstoppable, cadaverous cock.

I’m so tired of all this red state and blue state bullshit. We need a return to the United States. The United States of We All Love Warren G. Harding’s Skin Flute. What unites us? Upon what can we all agree? We can all agree that we all want our mouths on Warren G. Harding’s schlong. Imagine how much unity there would be if every single person alive got plowed by Warren G. Harding’s big giant sausage. We would all be unified, walking around with red hats with white letters that say, “Make Warren Hard Again” or sweatshirts that say, “I 69d with 29.” It would be so awesome. Warren G. Harding’s spectacular dong would unify us.

“O say can you see, by his dong’s early light…”

That’s another thing, no one would care about kneeling for the anthem, because we’d all be kneeling in front of Warren G. Harding to get our mouths on his tasty pecker.

Imagine a world where Sean Hannity, Rachel Maddow, Tucker Carlson, Maureen Dowd, Rush Limbaugh, Jake Tapper, and Joy Reid all lead with the same exact lead story: Goddamn, but that Warren G. Harding can fuck. No more racism or sexism or hatred of any kind. Warren G. Harding would vigorously fuck us all regardless of race or gender or religious affiliation. No more electoral maps. Just big Erectoral Maps whereupon John King and Steve Karnacki chart the best areas, general shaft condition, and overall turgidity of Warren G. Harding’s penis.

No more arguing about everything. We would all just agree that Warren G. Harding just fucked us like the nasty pigs we are and that it was very awesome.

What a glorious nation it would be.

No more division. No more hatred. We need to sow love. Or rather, Warren G. Harding needs to sow love. Or at least fuck us all silly with his giant pork sword.

Exhume him today.