Why Divorce Is Harder on Women in Pakistan and Six Things They Should Do to Heal
By: Mehvish Riaz
Tags: Relationships, Pakistan, Divorce, Gender Identity, Gender Based Victimhood

Millions of couples are living happily in Pakistan, therefore, the following details are not generalizable to the entire culture, but the alarmingly increasing divorce rate is a matter of concern. I don’t deny that divorce can be caused by something about or done by a woman, but married women frequently experience verbal abuse and gaslighting in the form of hurtful words about their age, complexion, physique, background, dressing, cooking, parents, siblings, friends, dowry, job, joblessness, and responsibilities towards in-laws, etc. repeatedly by their in-laws. Additionally, physical and sexual abuse, infidelity, financial exploitation, disease, greed, doubt, stinginess, neglect, blackmailing, fraud, forced abortion, and violence and exploitation of other sorts are also commonly experienced by women. In some cases, there are issues but causes of disruption are fewer, so husband, wife, or both can compromise, things move on, and gradually get better; however, in other cases, especially when men don’t take responsibility, there is consistent external involvement, provocation, or interference, such as of a girlfriend, boyfriend, and/or in-laws, or families are persistently greedy, abusive, or jealous, divorce can be an outcome.

From the perspective of gender roles and divorce, I don’t entirely blame a husband for a divorce because often other women play an obnoxious role in causing disputes between a husband and a wife, but in my view, people in Pakistan focus more on the grooming of girls who always have excessive baggage of social norms and expectations on their shoulders because they “must be accepted”, while boys rarely learn to respect women, apologize, mend, or take up responsibility. They learn to dominate, compete, order, control, decide, and in the context of divorce, ‘leave in the lurch’. Besides, men are expected to control their emotions which eventually makes them arrogant sociopaths displaying toxic masculinity.

Anyhow, the loss of a sacred and intimate relationship in a culture where girls’ parents make a serious effort in grooming, protecting, and educating them, is undeniably a loss and often damage. Illiteracy, stereotypes about divorced women, cultural norms, caste system, middle-class values, financial responsibilities, matchmaking dynamics, victim-blaming, and poor system of law and order are a few of the reasons that make divorce harder for the woman and her family. An unmarried woman may have ten relationships, but she can’t be judged because people can’t label her as a divorcee but once they know that a woman has got divorced even after spending a week of married life or even before her Rukhsati, the label of divorce is so heavy, suffocating, and debilitating that the risk of multilayered marginalization of a woman in a judgmental and conservative patriarchal society augments inordinately.

One of my acquaintances, a beautiful, sensible, sophisticated, and well-established girl, told me that in just eighteen days after her Rukhsati, her credulous husband and manipulative in-laws revealed to her that she was utterly unstable, uncouth, naive, pathetic, and impecunious. They told her that her father was poor and her bank balance was meagre. They sent her back with a divorce paper in her hand, leaving her and her family shocked, devastated, and traumatized. I’ve also closely observed the struggle of a friend of mine who spent her twenties trying to please a husband who always treated her like a ‘nobody’ because he was interested in another woman who, of course, was loose and manipulative enough to disrupt a relationship, and I am sorry to mention, was aged, ugly, and not in any way any better than my friend who was then a lecturer at a university and a kind and warm-hearted person. It has never been easy for my friend to take care of her kids all alone. Countless innocent and decent women in our society have been destroyed like that. For the jobless divorced women who spend their lives with an acute realization that they are a “burden”, the situation aggravates. There is no significant legal system of compensation or accountability for destroying a woman’s life through a divorce.

Socially and emotionally, divorce simply throws a woman into an abyss until she takes some measures for her well-being.

If you are a newly divorced woman in Pakistan, consider doing the following:

Don’t rationalize or question what has happened to you and why it has happened because it gets you into a spiral of tragedy. Embrace the mess with a big heart and accept yourself and your choices. Think what happened to you was neither your fault nor anybody else’s and blame-game or backbiting won’t lead you anywhere. Do feel the grief for some time and talk it out with your close relatives or friends because it’s essential to process the trauma to release the emotional baggage. Understand that crying is normal to heal. Accept that everybody has a different path and some relationships cannot last longer simply because those are not meant to be. The sooner you ‘accept’ the reality without any grudge, guilt, malice, or prejudice, the better it is for your personal growth.

2. Understand that your first name is enough and you are not defined by what has happened to you; otherwise, self-pity will eventually affect your self-esteem, decision-making, and mental health badly. Our cultural paradigm makes us associate marriage with honour, while divorce automatically implies a loss of honour. Understand that you are honourable simply because you exist and not because you are married. Understand that continuing a marital relationship that doesn’t ensure safety, support, respect, and trust is the highest form of dis-honour to yourself, especially if your spouse has been deliberately maltreating or exploiting you.

3. Develop a healthy circle because many from your old circle will ask you questions which they should have asked your in-laws or former spouse. It’s likely in our culture that you are blamed for things that you haven’t done, or your grooming or belief system is questioned; however, that’s just others’ cultural and stereotypical way of judging what they haven’t even gone through. Those questions and judgments are meaningless because you and only you know your circumstances. You definitely don’t owe anyone an explanation. It’s likely, considering the cultural way of poking nose into others’ affairs that you are stigmatized, judged, questioned, mocked, or isolated, but all that doesn’t define you as a human being. As a human being, you deserve happiness, respect, and peace of mind and you must consistently assert yourself as one who deserves that. Assuming you a failure, others may predict more failure for your future. Pay no heed to “tumhara to musaqbil tabah ho gya” or “tum say ab kaun shadi kray ga” stories. Take your time. It’s likely, considering culturally accepted wrong notions, such as “ghar to aurat he bnaati ha” that you feel embarrassed for getting divorced, but you must understand that divorce is by no means a matter of shame. It simply means that something didn’t work out well for you and your former spouse. Exploring the practices and preaching of Prophet Muhammad (SAW) and his companions also reveals that divorced women were socially protected. In short, you must surround yourself only with positive and protective people who don’t scratch your wounds.

4. Do something meaningful. Start a project or business, do an online course, join a horticulture club or art centre, write a book, join a fitness class, learn an instrument, or do something voluntarily for underprivileged people. If you are jobless, find a job. Be it obtaining a degree or teaching street children, it will be meaningful. Consider the example of J. K. Rowling, the author of the highly celebrated Harry Potter series which she wrote after getting divorced. In the same way, explore your potential and translate it into reality.

5. Take good care of yourself and your mental health. Develop a healthy routine and spend time with nature and your loved ones. Strengthen your relationship with the Almighty and show gratitude to Him regularly. Keep yourself hydrated. Seek help, if required.

6. Remind yourself daily that every day is a new day and starting afresh is the most sensible approach. The past doesn’t exist anymore. What you are reliving, if you are reliving at all, is your memory of it and it has no worth whatsoever except that it taught you something or let you understand yourself better. You can’t un-live what you have lived, but you can always choose to start over. In case you have spent a long time with your former spouse or feel emotionally weaker, you must discard the stuff including pictures, presents, clothes, or other household items. However, cultivating a deeper understanding of your time will help you stay strong.

Always remember your right to love, safety, and peace must not be compromised. Thank Allah for the termination of a relationship that made you feel lonely, miserable, unwanted, and unsupported.

Mehvish Riaz is an assistant professor at UET, Lahore. She is an Old Ravian and a Fulbright alumna of New York University. Her research interests include gender roles, honour, and gender-based victimhood. She can be reached at mehvishriaz@ymail.com