Ten Things I Learned From a Ten-Month Long-Distance Relationship
By: Yan H.
Tags: Self Improvement, Love, Life Lessons, Relationships, Relationships Love Dating

5. Common vision and values bind us.

“Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.”

— Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Perhaps it is the uncertainty brought about by the current global coronavirus pandemic, but there were many times that I wasn’t sure of where the relationship is heading. My partner expressed that I needed too many assurances and it can get tiring on us.

With him expressing that, I knew I needed to get deep within and find clarity. And to do that, I needed to build a common vision and align our values together.

We began building a vision board together, virtually of course. This activity is still on-going but it has further built our bond together. It also acts as our North star when the going gets muddy.

6. Communication is important — words do matter.

We have always known the importance of communication to make a relationship works. In fact, it’s one of the main reasons why we even got together.

Even before I met him, I set on a personal learning journey to understand the elements of great and effective communication. I have observed that many relationships break down because of poor communication skills, and that includes knowing how to listen and knowing how to respond. I learned that there is power in the tongue, and our words truly matter. It isn’t just “fine” if it’s said with all the hidden nuances of unhappiness, compared to “this is really fine” as a way to express a certain dish or moment which is truly pleasant.

I have also learned that some words are “triggers” for us to go into a negative state, by no fault of both parties, it is just we are the sum of our experiences from childhood to the present moment. We both agreed then not to use each other’s “trigger words”. We grew closer and better as a result.

7. Communication is not comprehension — action matters.

All the talking in the world will not help if there are no coherent actions to accompany. Maybe because I was over-emphasizing on verbal communication, that sometimes, I neglect the physical communication. With only the virtual space between us, this was one big hurdle for both of us.

My revelation came when one day, I realize, that sometimes, no amount of explaining works if they are not comprehended. It only adds more frustration to me as I eagerly wanted to make my point across. I flipped my mental picture around as I practiced patience. This becomes an act of communication. And with time, we both comprehended each other further. Action really matters, sometimes, more than words.

8. Intimacy does not mean sex.

Of course, let’s not forget about physical intimacy in a love relationship. Obviously, because of the distance apart, the physical elements such as a simple hug, kiss, or handholding were not possible.

We often discussed how we are going to show intimacy over our long-distance gap since we both do not really enjoy acts of online-intimacy and it does get stale after a while.

We found our ways around this and over time, I came to realize that intimacy does not mean sex. It means a special unique bond that makes both of us feel safe and come out to love. For that, we grew more intimately and just looking forward to the day when the physical distance is significantly reduced.

9. Distance does not make the heart grow fonder; shared experiences do.

“Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow.” — Swedish Proverb

This is my greatest learning to date about long-distance relationships. I often thought that it is the distance that makes the heart grows fonder, but in actual fact, it is our shared experiences. The distance often exposes the areas of weaknesses and put us to tests to really ascertain our commitments.

With our shared time together, we often experience our life’s ups and downs together when we shared our thoughts, feelings, fears, and frustrations about our daily lives back in our home countries.

And because we open our hearts, truthfully and honestly, and share the deepest part of us, we get to forge common experiences and memories together. And it is with these shared experiences that make the heart grow fonder, with the distance apart.

After all, can you miss a stranger whom you haven’t talk to?

10. Love is a marathon, not a sprint.

“The course of true love never did run smooth.” — William Shakespeare

I am not exactly the patient one in this relationship, this often resulted in our disagreements. However, my partner reminded me that we are in this for life and that this is a marathon.

Whenever I look back and count the months that have passed, I soon realize how I and we have come so far, despite it all. I am in a marathon and the best part? I am not running this marathon alone but with someone. When I realize this from my heart, the love just grew.