Choose a McDonald’s Item and We’ll Tell You Which Disciple Fits the Meal
By: Christian Cholcher
Tags: Comedy, Satire, Food, Humor, Religion

In a world of so many fast food options, it’s truly difficult to make the right choice when it comes to your dining experience. Though it’s important to decide what items to order, it’s a necessity to find out which of the twelve disciples best matches your food. From burgers to breakfast, here are our favorite McDonald’s menu items and their apostolic counterparts.

McGriddle: Start your day off strong with the McGriddle. Syrupy pancakes nest a sausage patty, cheese and an egg if you choose. Who are we kidding, of course you’re going to get an egg. Just like the ever-changing tastes of this delight, the ever-conflicting emotions of Thomas, AKA Doubting Thomas, are more your speed. You find yourself wanting more, whether that be in your food or in the validity of your resurrected Messiah. So have no doubt, we bet Thomas would order the McGriddle too, and he’d munch on it while sticking his greasy digits in Jesus’s stigmata. Double Cheeseburger: No surprises here, this classic burger has stayed true to its mission, just like Simon Peter. No worries, you won’t have to walk on water to get to this cheesy bundle of meaty goodness. Of course, if you eat too many you’ll sink, just like Peter did on the shores of Galilee. As Jesus told Peter to have faith, you’ll definitely have faith too…in ordering seconds! Salad: Salads will switch up your McDonald’s experience. You don’t need those fries, and you got to watch your figure! So sit your rump down and gobble up an artisan McDonald’s salad. But like Judas, this is the one to betray you. Hidden beneath those leafy greens are sodium-packed calories galore. Have a Diet Coke, that’ll make up for it. Good thing this doesn’t cost thirty silver pieces from Pontius Pilate, and the life of Christ, to purchase. Happy Meal: James and John abandoned their father to follow Jesus, but that doesn’t mean you need to grow up. Hunker down and swallow a Happy Meal whole, and you can practically feel yourself growing younger as you grow wider, and wider and wider. Filet O’Fish: Just as Andrew cast down his net and joined Jesus on his holy journey, cast your net and swipe up this delicious bounty. That O.G. apostle would’ve enjoyed this sandwich too, so have no fear. Also, this Lenten-friendly item will have you saying Hail Mary’s while you pack on the pounds. Chicken Nuggets: As for the rest of the disciples, no one really knows their names, they take up space and they round out the group. Chicken Nuggets will do the same for your lunch, dinner, or if you’re a big enough fatty, they’ll make your morning too. Who knows the other disciples, anyways? Maybe a James, Thaddeus for sure, Matthew and…Keith? Who cares! Not much is said about them in the Bible, but we bet they were all peas in a pod, or should we say nuggets in a box? You can even research their names while you stuff your mouth with nugget after nugget.

Whether you choose the classic cheeseburger, or you order a twelve pack of nuggets and do a little Jesus and Apostles role-play, lunchtime doesn’t have to be about eating. It can also be about Biblical knowledge. Which disciple best fits your meal? No matter the match-up, you’re moseying on up to the McDonald’s counter, ordering up a fatty repast and unbuckling your belt while you chow down. Just don’t forget that Jesus and his bros made five loaves into thousands, so make sure those large fries last a bit longer than five minutes.