What’s The Hold-Up, Science? With No Vaccine, My Career As A Hand-Shaking Coach Could Be Finished
By: Rory Mcnab
Tags: Advice, Satire, Humor, Business, Comedy

Satire

What’s The Hold-Up, Science? With No Vaccine, My Career As A Hand-Shaking Coach Could Be Finished

My business empire is crumbling around me!

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

I, Gus Dench, am a patriot. I’m a tax-paying American. I own a Ford Bronco with a customized license plate. I’m a God-fearing Christian with six barbecues across four different properties in three states. I own nine Dobermans which have successfully competed across local, regional and national pedigree competitions. In short, I have amassed nothing short of a small empire; a small empire built by my once-lucrative career as a leading hand-shake coach. But now — unless science gets a move on with that damn vaccine — everything I’ve worked for could be ruined!

Sometimes, it takes a global pandemic to make you appreciate just what you had. Now that handshakes are next to outlawed, I’ve lost my entire income stream, not to mention the very social foundations upon which my enterprise rests. America has lost over 215,000 lives — or as I like to look at it, over 430,000 hands. Both are damn tragedies in their own way. But, if those scientists don’t step on it, it looks like every other American will go to their graves without witnessing the awesome spectacle that is ‘Gus Dench Presents: Palm-Pounding Your Way To Business Domination’.

I used to begin all these presentations in the same way, by quietly chanting my mantra: ‘Engage. Firm-grip. Three-pumps. Up-down. Done.’ I would prowl around whatever passed for my stage; be it a grandstand in a conference hall, a raised dais at a business symposium, or simply a demarcated section of carpet in a WeWork. I would command my area, transmitting Pure, Primal Power®.

My voice would swell with each repetition of my incantation. ‘Engage. Firm-grip. Three-pumps. Up-Down. Done.’ Those assembled would grow intoxicated by my spell. Occasionally, so too would others at neighboring work stations when I performed in shared-office settings. I would happily include these people in the proceedings before separately invoicing them and any eavesdroppers later.

This raw frenzy of chanting would build and build to a deafening crescendo — or until I reached a volume commensurate with the maximum decibel levels permitted within my respective venue — and I would thunder, lingering on every word, “Engage. Firm-grip. Three-pumps. Up-Down. Done. What am I talking about!?”

Excluding the few dozen unfortunate instances where some trouble-maker would make a mocking reference to my aptitude in the bedroom, this typically went without a hitch. Usually people would get the gist and reply ‘hand-shaking.’ At this point, I would leave my dais to start pumping palms with as many of my eager audience as the 30 seconds I’d allocated for this bit within my presentation allowed.

Through a series of slides and strength-building exercises, lasting just 45 minutes — plus an optional 15 minute Q&A, I guaranteed to turn every damp, flaccid paw in the room into a powerful piston of business. Gratified customers? Just look at the testimonials section on my website (gusdench.biz — do not believe any other sources). There were people leaving my talks with a grip that could damn-well crush a quahog clam.

But now it has been over six months since I have last shaken a human hand — whether professionally, or for leisure. Sure, I’ve tried to keep my game sharp using a few gizmos I’ve whipped together at home. But there’s only so much useful practice one can get shaking a rudimentary hand made of deli meats attached to a mannequin arm salvaged from the bins behind a TJ Maxx. After a certain point, you just need the real thing.

I’ve read some headlines saying that we’re still maybe a year away from the eggheads coming up with some kind of vaccine to blow this son of a gun to kingdom come. Until then this nanny state says that good ol’ hand-hugging needs to remain a thing of the past. So what’s the hold up science? Don’t you know I’ve got debts to pay? Do you want me to have to pawn off even more of my Dobermans, is that it? Why won’t you let me get back to living my American dream!?