The cliched ramblings of a Medium virgin.
By: Jo Barton
Tags: Anxiety, Writing, First Post

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

I want to publish my first article.

Well, I guess I should start with saying I want to write my first article.

I want to write a book, but it’s an overwhelming task when you haven’t even finished a short story or small article. Everything feels overwhelming to me at the moment, but I don’t want to be a slave to my anxiety anymore.

I have been saying to people “I think I want to write, but I don’t know what I want to write about” for 5 years now. My long suffering sister (who’ll be proof reading this piece) can attest to that. She’s been riding this anxiety ridden road with me for many more years.

Lately I’ve been asking people outside of my family circle and inside my more creative friendship circle. The answers vary. A few along the lines of “You’d be a great writer, you’re so creative”. Another was a simple “Sounds cool, just write about your life”.

I needed to dig deeper. When I said I didn’t think I was funny enough to write humor, one friend simply stated that “having a thick skin and going for it” was the only way to test that. I admitted that I feel creativity within me, like a pressure on my chest but I have trouble releasing it into anything usable, either in the written word, through visual art or even when I am cooking… “meditation’s what you need”.

And then one, very honest, friend said simply “you’ve been saying you want to write for years, do it or don’t.”

Do it or don’t. They’re the two options. If you think you’re a writer, sit down and write. If you don’t sit down and write… you’re not a writer.

I’ve been a Medium member for half a year. I’ve read so many articles about writing, that’s all that shows in my suggestion feed.

Ok. There’s a few sex articles in there as well.

I have analysed and delved and taken notes and opened blank notepads and word documents. I have made notes on my phone, listened to writing podcasts, started some fairly generic character studies and even attempted NaNoWriMo once with zero planning. I lasted three days. Well four but that last day I just typed out my shopping list instead of handwriting it.

Fear. It’s that simple. It’s that complicated.

I don’t want to write something I think is relevant and others yawn through it. I don’t want to be mocked for my lame mum jokes (like dad jokes but worse, and in my case, usually dirtier). I certainly don’t want people pointing out my obvious lack of research skills.

Or my grammar. I already know I use too many of these (…) I know they have a name but my grammar is so bad I don’t know what it is and I am so lazy I won’t google it. Also, I love exclamation marks. I have to physically restrain myself from using excessive exclamation marks… Luckily, I know what they’re called because there is a thumbtack stuck to my number one key.

I know I will have to work on these skills, but I don’t want to wait till they are perfect to start.

I just want to talk crap in an article and maybe make people chuckle mildly. I want to write about some deep serious stuff that’s happened in my life. I want to just write a list of my life goals and hope a sugar daddy’s reading. I’d like to keep people’s spirits up when they are going through down times. Or, make them feel better about their parenting because my kids are both nicknamed “oi, bitch!” Man, if I could make someone pee their pants a little… that’s the dream.

But, fear. It keeps my hands still and my head moving. It drives me to procrastinate with my crochet hook, in the kitchen or on my phone looking at social media or browsing educational Medium articles.

Hey. Those sex articles are educational if you implement them.

I guess the same could be said for the articles about writing. Perhaps I should switch to implementing some of them for a time.

You know the ones I mean. The articles full of lists. “10 things you should do to be a better writer.” “11 things you shouldn’t do if you want to be a better writer.” There’s usually half of each on the other list and so my brain becomes more confused. “The 216 simple things you must do in the morning if you want to have a successful writing career”, these ones are fun because to complete them would require 12.5 hours and leave you completely exhausted.

You know what I mean.

Don’t think I dislike Medium, or hate the articles I’m reading. It’s my favorite find. I have a lot of those types of articles saved and re-read them occasionally. I’ve found myself cherry picking ideas from them that are helping me develop my own ideas. Indeed, they have helped me want to write this article about wanting to write articles.

So here goes. I’ll publish this, somewhat cliched, article and then the first one will be out of the way. Then I can start tackling the list of semi-formed ideas hiding in my journal. I don’t have a theme for my writing. I don’t know if I should have one. A list I remember reading said I should write about what motivates or moves me. My hobbies and passions. Things I care about. Things that excite me.

Well that’s just fine but be warned… everything excites me. Though not much motivates me.