I Hired a Doula to Teach Me How to Be a Mom
By: Katie Grant
Tags: Mental Health, Parenting, Baby, Motherhood, Postpartum Anxiety

I Hired a Doula to Teach Me How to Be a Mom

Photo by Sergiu Vălenaș on Unsplash

All I could do was sit at the dining table and stare at the baby monitor. I could not get up to clean or lay down to nap while my daughter napped or even look at TV. I had full blown postpartum anxiety and I was in nap prison. My daughter was a cat napper — she only napped 45 minutes at a time and, at 4 months old, she needed a nap every 90 minutes. So I couldn’t figure out how to get out of the house even if I wanted to.

I made a great mom friend who had a child just a few months younger than my own. She suggested I talk to her birth doula for help. I was already waiting for my prescribed meds to kick in and I did not have a village of friends and family nearby who could help me raise my baby, so I was game for anything that could help me. This was my first and only child, after a 5 year infertility journey, and I had no baby experience.

And, yes, hiring someone to teach you how to handle a baby seems extravagant or maybe like a first world problem. For me, it was treatment for my mental health. Which had to change for both my sake and my family’s.

I called the doula. She said she thought she could help. So I asked her to come over and observe me and my daughter to see how we were doing. She quickly realized all I was doing was waiting for the next nap time. I would feed my baby, play with her, and wait for the next time I had to put her down for a nap in her crib. I did not realize I could just go live my life and let her sleep when she needed to either in the carrier, the stroller, or the car. In fact, I never really got there. But, I did get out of the house.

The doula said we should figure out what I needed or wanted to do, regardless of the baby. Were there things I needed at the store? Yes, actually, I needed toilet paper. So, we loaded up the car with the baby and headed to Target. The doula helped me put my baby in the carrier so I could wear her around the store. And I was so excited to be out of the house. I think I even said, “I’m at Target!” I was so happy to be back in the world. Mind you, this was pre-pandemic.

The next day we went for a hike in a nearby park because hiking is something I enjoy. I wore my daughter again and we both benefited from the fresh air and sunshine. I didn’t feel great though. I still felt anxiety ridden and was wondering when I would ever feel normal again. Why couldn’t I just enjoy the moment? Why was I still so uncomfortable? Turns out, that didn’t happen until the meds kicked in about a month later.

I actually had no idea what to do with a baby out of the house so the doula suggested we go to the park next. I said, “What do we bring? What do we do there? She can’t run and play yet.” She said to bring some toys, a book, and a blanket. So we packed up the stroller and walked over. We spread out the blanket and just let my girl roll about and chew on things. The doula had me carry her over to a tree and point out the bark and have her feel it. Really simple stuff but I was so debilitated, I couldn’t see what a great sensory and experiential exercise that would be for my child.

My final of five days with the doula we went to the local marina and took a little boat ride on the water taxi. It felt like Mommy Graduation, to me. I wore my daughter and she fell asleep as we made our way through the waves. I still felt lost but I at least I could see how to keep doing this. To get myself out of the house with a baby. And how much she liked seeing the world and how much good it did for her naps. She seemed to fall asleep quicker and nap longer.

And, even though, I was still sitting and staring at the monitor while she slept, at least I knew we could get out of the house when she woke up. And that gave me hope. As it happened, my best friend came to visit the following week for 7 days. She worked remotely in the mornings and we continued going on outings every afternoon.

If it weren’t for her and the doula helping me get out of the house, I don’t know what would’ve happened. And I kept going on outings while my husband was at work and with him on the weekends. Eventually, I stopped breastfeeding which was the main source of my anxiety, the meds kicked in and so did my sense of normalcy. I ended up creating a full schedule of outings — baby gym twice a week, story time at the library, drum circle in the park, baby sign language class — that helped both me and my daughter thrive. Three years later, we still are, thanks to the help I knew I needed and accepted.