You are not alone… unless… I’m alone. Wait, is anyone there?
By: Richard Davis
Tags: Loss, Universe, Healing, Loneliness, Depression

A ramble about a thought. Felt profound at the time. Enjoy or I’m sorry?

Foreword: If you are reading this you must be really digging for something. I hate to disappoint, but you have stumbled across my first attempt to write something. I have read countless “content” from folks that have all the right words, seem to have a clear intent for their writings and well, seem to have their whole lives together. If you are looking for that, its not here. I currently do not have anything together so take my advice with a grain of salt. Not sure what that even means, or if I said it correctly, but I digress. By the way, when did everyone in the world evolve? And how did I get left so far behind? Reading others’ writings make me feel like an emotional infant, not to mention illiterate. I feel like the Happy Gilmore of emotional intelligence.

Join me on a brief journey, if you will. I recognize that this will not resonate with everyone but we will never know until you try, right? So, take yourself back to a time, hopefully long ago, when you were dealing with something monumentally bad in your life? Like really, really, life changing, bad. Really struggling with something, survival was in question. Got it? Now, think of one of those times where you experienced “that” helpful friend. You know, the well intentioned one who shared with you some positive ending story of either themselves and how they 100% understand you, or the one where someone else had something horrifically tragic occur and yet they somehow won the Nobel Gold Medal of Honor, Peace? If I am not alone, and anything like you, then I imagine either scenario resulted in absolutely NO benefit to you, at all. Possibly even brought you down more. And, then after their good deed of what ever it was they said to you, the walked away feeling better. Not you feeling better, but them. You know, for helping out and sharing such divine wisdom? Actually, you have likely played both roles, and may even have been completely unaware of the disconnect, until now. Let call this action “Supportive Encoragment” or (SE). (I cound not for the life of me find a third word for this that started with X that made any sence, i really tried)

I hypothesize (big word points) that the instinct which drives this (SE) behavior stems from a desire to help. After all, we are reminding them that they will, very likely, survive what they are going through and then we provide real life examples of others who have survived so they can hopefully see that it is possible. We would never share a story about a guy who just threw in the towel at that low point and is now divorced, still unemployed and hopelessly depressed. (Now that is a guy you can relate to when you feel like complete hell.) So, if we are not giving them dark, negative stories, then what are we really doing with our (SE) success stories? Well, we are actually setting the “standards” of survival.

Like, “Hey, come on man, everybody else was able to do it. Only the really weak would stay down and not think they could get back up.”

Now if I switch roles again; I would think to my self,

“Man, I really feel like a weakling here. I don't know if I'm going to survive, yet everyone else seemed to do it with such ease and success. I’ll never be successful at anything again. I am super doomed since anyone else in my sitch would have gotten over it already. I so weak.” blah blah

Unfortunately, when you are tied up in the active process of your own survival, no one, and I mean, NO ONE, can understand. You are the only one who can truly understand the wound that you are nursing. Only you have your unique and specific experiences and your perceptions of those. No one could ever understand, and its okay that you dont always feel like you are going to make it, or that you have any idea what to do next. I think they call these growing pains or as I like to refer to them as “growing pains in the ass”.

So if we know this, from our very own experience, why is (SE) one of the first things we think of when the situations present themselves once again?

Well, I think, that most of us remember feeling so alone and so misunderstood. And since we want them to not feel alone, we have an urge to provide a survival story, one to serve as an example of strength and success. You are probably like, “Duh, Richard”. I know I’m leading you here but keep with me.

If you are facing something that feels so insurmountable, do you relate with anyone who sees anything positive? Do you feel accompanied by people who are clearly stronger than you and are successful? Negative Ghostwriter! In fact, there is no example that you could ever give me in that situation that would make me feel anything better. But there sure are a whole list of things that would certainly fuel my negative spiral.

So, we have recalled times where we have been both the hopeless injured and the awakened savior. We have identified whats seems to be counterproductive behavior, at least to our intentions. So now what? We change it, right?

Remember that one little unintended consequence? The one where it made YOU feel good to have so selflessly shined the positive light, casting away the shadows. Well, hero, somehow, you were able to walk away feeling better. Yet, you likely added zero value to the other and even more likely, annoyed them.

My view, which is of course supported by absolutely no sort of anything, is that this “supportive encouragement”, the one where you share other’s success, is actually a part of your own healing. We are not reminding them they will survive, we are reminding ourselves that we have survived. This may very well be part of our own process to close our own wound. That might be the real reason we feel better when we walk away. Does this make one selfish or self-centered? No to the first, and probably yea, to the latter. But hey, how else can one center?

Your universe is not for their experience, but for you own. Everything aligns around your thoughts and your manifestations. Maybe you needed to see that you were no longer there, “with them” as you may have just realized for yourself, maybe only subconsciously, that you have survived.

So are you alone? If you were not, then would would you still be unique? Others may be able to relate to your pain, but no one, can understand. You are alone in your experience and you are on your own journey. Up, down, sideways — its yours. Its also yours to share with others. So what happens that next time, when you find yourself about to offer (SE), your words of wisdom, and share your brilliance with someone hurting? Well, its your world, looking to me for answers would be , I’m just here for the refreshments.

What about Xenodochy?