Bruno will not be loved.
By: Eric Hiatt
Tags: Anger, Dogs, Heartbreak, Love, Neglect

Bruno will not be loved. Bruno will not be taught to piss and shit outside. As Bruno grows, he will receive harsher and harsher beatings for bigger and bigger messes.

Bruno breaks my heart — because he loves everyone. He frolics to people — his nails pattering the wood floor as he trots and hops. He’s just learned to jump onto furniture — so he can circle into people’s laps. Everyone who sees Bruno says he adorable, but they won’t teach him where to piss and shit. They witness his beatings —and a little later they see him frolicking, still, after the beatings. At least for now.

I can’t sense Bruno’s spirit and don’t know what could shatter it. Will there come a blow that cracks him? A blow that breaks him — so he scurries from people with head down instead of frolicking to kiss them?

Sometimes I don’t like to hold Bruno — because it breaks my heart, because I feel my love is wasted — it’s confusing. At these times I think of Bruno as being tainted with unlove, and I want him to learn this fact quickly because depression is coming eventually. And I don’t want the taint in my vicinity— as if Bruno were contagious.

He’s not my dog. I would never own a dog. I could only provide half the love — the half that cuddles and plays — but not the other half — the half that potty trains, trims nails, goes for walks, and goes to the vet regularly. I’m not motivated to do these things. I suffer too much depression, which I suspect would depress any dog I owned. My roommate, however, is perfectly satisfied practicing just the first half of love.

The dog is my roommate’s even though I paid for him. $300. Which I thought would be paid back, but that’s before I understood my roommate, who doesn’t pay back. He wanted the dog for his children — for when they visit. They loved Bruno at first — the first half of love — the cuddly, playful kind — but then the children went back to their cellphones and video games. They tried ignoring Bruno — tried pushing him off, but Bruno wanted what he was already conditioned to want — human love.

Eventually we had to yell at Bruno. Because he wouldn’t stop trying to jump on the children’s laps, and they were getting angrier and pushing Bruno onto the floor with more and more force, which made his nails scrape across the wood. So my roommate starting yelling “down!” and Bruno wouldn’t listen — maybe he didn’t understand, but I was the one who made him understand.

I didn’t have to yell — didn’t have to take part in Bruno’s public discipline— but I found myself getting angry — because Bruno was tainted with unlove and didn’t understand that yet — didn’t understand that he’d gotten cosmically unlucky — that he was destined to be beaten for pissing and shitting in the mobile home — beaten until he no longer frolicked for kisses.

My voice is much louder than my roommates, so I took my increasing anger and my voice and yelled “down!” the next time Bruno tried to jump on a child’s lap. I scared the children — startled them — and Bruno got down and left to lie somewhere nearby.

Why would I be angry at Bruno ? I’ve wondered this. It’s a strange anger because I can feel deeply that it’s unjustified — that it’s the most unfair thing in the Universe. I feel like I’m taking part in cruelty, but I’m the only one conscious of it, which makes it worse — makes me more guilty than my roommate and his children.

My only guess is that I’m protecting myself. I can love Bruno easily and truly, but I foresee his fate — and Bruno’s destruction is the destruction of my love. I can’t endure this. I’m too weak to love him when I know what’s coming — the piss, shit, and beatings — the depression.

So Bruno is alone. Alone in Universe — because I won’t be there for him. He’s not even supposed to be here. The trailer park doesn’t allow pitbulls.

Bruno is asleep now, on the floor across from my chair. He doesn’t know he’s tainted with unlove, and when Bruno awakens he will frolic across the wood, jump, and try to kiss me.

And with all the anger I possess I will yell “down!”