5 Things a Love of BDSM Says About You and Your Relationship
By: Renee Rose
Tags: Sexuality, Sex, History, BDSM, Relationships

BDSM Interests Those Who Crave Giving Up Control

For many who enjoy BDSM and bondage, this enjoyment is based around an opportunity to give up control completely. For many of us, life is full of situations that we feel we have to constantly control, constantly have a grip on. This can get pretty tiresome. In a life where keeping control of any given situation is often so challenging, many of us crave the opportunity to give up all sense of control over anything for even just a short period of time. This is particularly true of those who prefer to be submissive in the bedroom.

According to one Reddit user:

“I try very hard to have a lot of control in my life and there is something about being submissive in the bedroom that is foreign and exciting, in a way. I wouldn’t live the lifestyle that goes with it, but just the intimate part of it can really be fun.”- u/Albimau

For many submissives, this giving up of control is also sensual and meaningful. As a submissive, it is important that they have complete trust in their partner. BDSM, after all, is all about trust, communication, and consent. In order for it to be a fun, enjoyable, and comfortable experience for everyone involved, there must be nothing but trust between a submissive and a dominant. When that trust is there and the submissive feels completely comfortable giving up control completely, it’s actually a meaningful and beautiful thing that can strengthen the bond between partners. This is thoroughly explained by another social media user who says:

“For me, it’s being at someone else’s complete control that knows you and you trust them. It can be absolutely thrilling. I’ve had other people tell me that they control everything else in their life, so they want someone else to take control in this area of their life.”- dontcallmevicki

BDSM is For Creative-Minded Individuals

When it comes to sexual expression, many of us crave a way to express our sexuality that is exciting, thrilling, and unique. That’s exactly what BDSM offers so many who enjoy it. Overall, BDSM is for creative-minded individuals who crave exploration, newness, and adrenaline. This is a huge reason that role-playing is such a popular component of BDSM; it allows those involved to fully explore another side of themselves and express their sexuality in a way that they are unable to using less creative methods.

As one person explains, these acts can even spark creativity in those who partake in them:

“The most exciting perk of enjoying BDSM is the role playing. When done safely, the bondage and roles become a total escape from reality. For gays & lesbians, BDSM tends to be an extension of reality, since in many cases our regular sex lives have surprising parallels to bondage, particularly the dominance and submission. Another unexpected benefit whilst partaking in bondage: It’s quite a creative form of expression, and it sparks creativity within us, giving us a rich source of material for writing, acting, art, film production, and even video game development!”- Daniel

If you consider yourself an especially creative person, BDSM and acts of bondage allow both fun and safe ways to express that creativity sexually. That’s why so many of us tend to find ourselves drawn to it.

BDSM is For Those Who Enjoy Experimentation and Exploration

Another reason that so many people gravitate towards BDSM and bondage is found in the fact that it allows for a safe environment to try out new things, especially those new things we’ve been dying to try but may have been reluctant to admit in the past. This, again, is something that expresses just how important trust is between partners who engage in BDSM acts.

BDSM is all about experimentation and exploration, finding what we like and don’t like, and giving things a try that tells us more about ourselves and our partner. To engage in this type of behavior, trust is key. For so many who enjoy BDSM and bondage, however, the fun that can be had experimenting and exploring is unrivaled when we find a partner we can trust completely.

People that enjoy BDSM tend to be people that crave new discoveries, are inherently curious, and always looking to learn more about the world that we live in. For these types of people, BDSM offers the perfect way to get to know ourselves, our partners, and the world around us better.

As one Redditor explains:

“There’s something about exploring and trying things with someone I trust that’s just a lot of fun.” — u/molly-ofcourse

BDSM is Perfect For Those Looking For a Temporary Escape From Reality

If you’re someone familiar with BDSM, you’re probably accustomed to the sense of reality-shattering sensory stimulation that is so common to the experience.

For submissives, BDSM allows them to fully give up control and enjoy an overload of sensory stimulation that acts as a temporary break from reality in many cases.

For dominants, on the other hand, BDSM offers them the chance to become a different person, living a different life for a short period of time.

During these acts, everything we know seems to change. This is especially powerful for those of us who are prone to overthinking in our day-to-day lives. Constantly second-guessing everything we do and say can be exhausting and the act of sex set under specific rules, terms, and goals allows us the freedom to simply enjoy sex without having to overthink.

Often, we find ourselves so wrapped up in sensation that we don’t have the time to allow those negative thoughts and feelings in. These moments allow us to almost rise out of our bodies and find ourselves encapsulated in the current moment. In this way, this feeling is almost like a meditation. For those of us looking for a temporary escape from reality, BDSM and bondage certainly have their perks.

Brianne McGuire, host of the Sex Communication podcast explains this feeling perfectly saying:

“I am most often acting as a receiver in a BDSM exchange (or scene) and being overpowered, restrained, struck or yelled [at] takes me out of myself and allows me to be so overcome with sensory stimulation that I am utterly lost in the moment. To experience such complete surrender is disorienting and emotional and I come out of it feeling spiritually cleansed. When such an exchange or scene is done for the purpose of orgasm and not just play, the orgasms are extremely intense and the level of intimacy felt with my partner is unparalleled in those moments. “Losing myself” through BDSM play is so appealing because I overthink constantly and it’s awful. It’s especially awful when it happens in sex and so engaging with a partner under specific terms with specific roles, takes all of that away. There’s simply no capacity left to think when I’m so fully consumed by physical sensation and mental assault. To that end, being yelled at, insulted, etc., is probably the most effective method of achieving the escape and surrender I seek. I only engage in such exchanges with people I have a real connection with, who fully understand that what is allowed to happen in the specific moments of exchange are sacred and don’t carry over to any other area. I ALLOW them to do and say the things they do, with absolute trust and knowledge that we respect each other and our boundaries.”- Brianne McGuire

BDSM Inspires a Greater Sense of Well-Being

According to a Psychology Today article entitled The Surprising Psychology of BDSM by Brad Sagarin, Ph.D., BDSM and bondage can actually lead to a greater sense of well-being in our day to day lives. While Sigmund Freud famously suggested that anyone interested in BDSM was in need of psychological treatment, recent research tells a much different story of those who find themselves drawn to BDSM.

According to researcher Pamela Connolly who compared BDSM practitioners to published norms on 10 psychological disorders, BDSM practitioners actually reported “lower levels of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), psychological sadism, psychological masochism, borderline pathology, and paranoia.” While it should be noted that they “showed equal levels of obsessive-compulsive disorder and higher levels of dissociation and narcissism”, another study also supports that those who engage in BDSM have a greater sense of well-being overall.

In this second study, Andreas Wismeijer and Marcel van Assen compared non-BDSM practitioners to BDSM practitioners on major personality traits. The results showed that, in comparison to non-practitioners, BDSM practitioners “exhibited higher levels of extraversion, conscientiousness, openness to experience, and subjective well-being. Practitioners also showed lower levels of neuroticism and rejection sensitivity.” That being said, the one negative trait that emerged from the study was agreeableness, which was lower in BDSM practitioners than non-practitioners.

An Interest in BDSM Does Not Make You “Sick”

When I first realized my interest in BDSM and bondage, I immediately assumed that there must be something wrong with me. In fact, many of us go through this kind of self-analyzation process upon noticing our interest in BDSM. At the end of the day, however, substantial research literature shows that BDSM-practitioners are no more likely than the general population to suffer psychiatric problems. Further, research also shows that those who engage in BDSM practices have no psychological disorders unique to their kinky proclivities.

As another article by Psychology Today entitled What Kind of People Enjoy BDSM? by Michael Castleman M.A. states, “BDSM players are as sexually and emotionally healthy as the general population”. The article goes on to say:

“BDSM players are a cross-section of the population, the people next door, mentally healthy and typical in every respect — except that they find vanilla sex unfulfilling and want something more exciting and intimate.”- Michael Castleman M.A.

It’s as simple as that.

Along with being a perfectly healthy way of life for two (or more) consenting partners, BDSM and bondage also create a stronger bond in romantic relationships. In my own relationships where my partner was comfortable engaging in BDSM and bondage, I noticed an elevated sense of respect and love for them.

As a dominant, I knew that they trusted me to take care of them, trusted me to communicate with them, and to respect their boundaries. In relationships where BDSM is frequently practiced, opportunities to actively practice communication (one of the most important parts of any relationship) are utilized constantly. How many other romantic relationships can say that?