Feminism Does Not Negate Chivalry
By: Vanessa Torre
Tags: Equality, Women, Gender Equality, Society, Feminism

Feminism Does Not Negate Chivalry

Why men’s manners matter to me as a feminist.

Photo by Markus Spiske via Unsplash

Chivalry was born of necessity. Women’s fashion dictated the need for men to do things like open doors for women. Women wore huge, structured dresses and attire that made it almost physically impossible for women to open doors themselves.

No longer are we enslaved to clothing that deters us from functioning as a normal member of society. This doesn’t mean that all acts of chivalry need to go by the wayside or be seen as an act of aggression toward liberated women.

Chivalrous acts like the opening of doors have taken on a new meaning for me. I see them differently now. Simply, even when we’re able to freely move about spaces in comfortable yoga pants, women are still physically more vulnerable than men.

This has nothing to do with the strength of our spirit, our intellectual equality, or our drive to succeed. It’s a matter of women feeling less safe in the world than men.

Many men don’t realize exactly how different the world feels when you’re a woman. This was never more clear to me than in a recent conversation with a male friend.

I have a large Torch Glow Bougainvillea outside my bedroom window. It’s about five feet tall and covered in lots of sharp, one to two-inch thorns. My friend couldn’t understand why I would put such a nasty thing outside my window.

Beyond the fact that it’s gorgeous and lets me see vibrant magenta flowers the moment I wake up, it serves a purpose. I planted it there intentionally.

“What if you had to get out your bedroom window?” he asked. I chuckled.

I told him that I was not concerned with getting out of my window, I was more concerned with someone get in. The bougainvillea is a deterrent. Men don’t get this.

As women, we look for the most well-lit parking space. We walk with our keys in between our fingers. We check our back seats before getting into our cars even when we know we locked them.

Opening a car door for a woman means that we get safely inside the car. I know that the likelihood of someone grabbing me in the seconds it takes me to open my own door while a man opens his own door is slim. I’m realistic and don’t run around the world wringing my hands. But, I value that sense of safety and the kindness shown to me when someone else considers it.

The same goes for opening the door to a building. Guiding a woman through a door safely is ensuring that no harm comes to her. This is not a bad thing.

I’m a strong woman, physically. I can shove my own bodyweight off me and pull twice that much off the floor. Regardless of this, I can’t imagine that my ability to fend for myself would translate to being in harm’s way, and having a man stand back and say, “Oh no. You said you go this.” It doesn’t work that way. That wasn’t the point of our fight for equal rights.

I feel bad that men have become afraid of backlash from opening doors, helping a woman with a coat, or pulling out a chair. I don’t know a single man that does these things because he thinks less of a woman.

Acts of chivalry make me feel valued. Being a feminist and being treated well are not two separate ideas.

I served on a board of trustees with some wonderful, professional men who held me in as high of regard as I held them. They respected my opinions and never made me feel like I wasn’t welcome in the boardroom.

They were kind to me and always chivalrous. When I came to the table for drinks after a long day of meetings, they stood. A chair was pulled out for me. When I got cold, a jacket was offered.

Just because I’m a feminist, it doesn’t mean I have to be one of the boys.

I don’t appreciate chivalry because I think I’m a special, precious little flower. It’s not a control mechanism. I appreciate it because it lets me know someone cares enough about me to do something nice.

More than anything I’m an advocate of just being nice. It feels good to wander the world acting kindly to other people, be they strangers or people we’re with whom we have a close relationship.

Having manners means we respect others and want to extend them a courtesy. Man or woman. It shows a certain level of class and decorum.

Respect and kindness were not bargained away with our right to vote, or choose, or to be able to keep our jobs if we’re pregnant, nor should they be denied because of what we’ve gained in being asked to be taken seriously. They’re timeless qualities that lead to meaningful actions and, more than anything, they’re appreciated.