How to Kill a Lady Boner
Tags: Sex And Relationships, Satire, Lovers, Cheating, Sexuality

How to Kill a Lady Boner

Pay Attention to Your Mistress

Photo by Chris Jarvis on Unsplash

Lately, I’ve been suffering from a deluge of obtuse men.

It’s making me want to quit adultery.

Their wives might be absolutely right. Who would have thought? They aren’t getting LAID for a reason.

Let’s give some tips on how to treat an adulteress. Hint, like a woman. Or else she’s likely to move on. Remember, the numbers are not in your favor.

Women who are cheating usually want romance. Icky dick pics in front of an open toilet aren’t part of it.

Icky dick pics in front of an open toilet aren’t part of it. Make sure you treat her like a wet hole. “U want sum?” This is the sure way to a ladies’ vag.

“U want sum?” This is the sure way to a ladies’ vag. Being hot and cold. Always a fun trip. “Does he want me today?” Maybe not.

“Does he want me today?” Maybe not. Read the goddamn messages that your lover sends you. ASAP. Do not let them go unread for hours or worse, days. Sure way to dry out the pussy.

Do not let them go unread for hours or worse, days. Sure way to dry out the pussy. Not communicating. It’s been days and no text. What happened to him? And, then out of the blue, “Hey, can I c u?” Makes me heart go pitter-pat. Cue sexy Scottish accent. For Sean Connery, not you.

What happened to him? And, then out of the blue, “Hey, can I c u?” Makes me heart go pitter-pat. Cue sexy Scottish accent. For Sean Connery, not you. Sloppy OPSEC (the rules of the adultery game) . It’s called covering your tracks. Fucking amateurs is not fun. Get your big head and little head in the match.

. It’s called covering your tracks. Fucking amateurs is not fun. Get your big head and little head in the match. Don’t compliment the nudes or partial nudes or whatever she sends you. Bad form. You don’t deserve them.

Bad form. You don’t deserve them. Badmouth your wife endlessly. She might be a smart cookie. See above.

She might be a smart cookie. See above. Drunk frat boy style “discourse.” “What will I be working with?” “What size bra are you?” “What style panties do you wear?” I got to middle-age for this stupidity all over again? Please, no.

“What will I be working with?” “What size bra are you?” “What style panties do you wear?” I got to middle-age for this stupidity all over again? Please, no. Sloppy lies. “I was with the wife at uh, the store buying something.” Really? Clever. I’m impressed.

“I was with the wife at uh, the store buying something.” Really? Clever. I’m impressed. Mansplaining. “I thought I explained this before to you.” Don’t start. This will get ugly.

“I thought I explained this before to you.” Don’t start. This will get ugly. Talking about yourself non-stop. Hey, I have a husband who doesn’t listen to me. I don’t need a lover to do the same.

Hey, I have a husband who doesn’t listen to me. I don’t need a lover to do the same. Watch other women avidly while not paying attention to your lover. Swivel your head. Ogle. Perhaps make a lewd comment, “Check out her ass.” Makes my panties moist. NOT.

Swivel your head. Ogle. Perhaps make a lewd comment, “Check out her ass.” Makes my panties moist. NOT. Paranoia. Like Rear Window but without the dapper clothes. “We can’t go out and be seen together. Take separate elevators, stagger leaving. “Who knows who could be watching?” Feels like a made-for-tv movie until it gets old. Real fast.

“We can’t go out and be seen together. Take separate elevators, stagger leaving. “Who knows who could be watching?” Feels like a made-for-tv movie until it gets old. Real fast. Poor hygiene and long nails. Makes me gag like eating a sleeve of saltine crackers with nary a drop of water in sight.

Makes me gag like eating a sleeve of saltine crackers with nary a drop of water in sight. Fingering his phone more than me during a meet? “One more email” and “One more thing I gotta do.” Nope, you’re not doing me. Priorities, men. Who’s sucking your dick?

“One more email” and “One more thing I gotta do.” Nope, you’re not doing me. Priorities, men. Who’s sucking your dick? Not showing up on time. Call and explain. It’s a no brainer. Like most men.

Call and explain. It’s a no brainer. Like most men. Getting guilty. We don’t need to hear your sob story. Save it.

We don’t need to hear your sob story. Save it. Not getting hard or staying hard. This is about the sex, baby…cue the beat from Salt-N-Pepa. Say thank you for the ear worm. Get some help in the form of blue tablets. We are cheating for a reason.

This is about the sex, baby…cue the beat from Salt-N-Pepa. Say thank you for the ear worm. Get some help in the form of blue tablets. We are cheating for a reason. Too tentative in the bedroom. “Can I do this?” after you’ve done it a half dozen times before. Turn off. Beta move and not affair worthy. Unless I’m telling you what you can do with some glossy black latex on. Then, it’s a different story.

“Can I do this?” after you’ve done it a half dozen times before. Turn off. Beta move and not affair worthy. Unless I’m telling you what you can do with some glossy black latex on. Then, it’s a different story. Have some moves, by the way. Get your dick to drive like a Bugatti. Nothing sexier than a man who knows what he’s doing in bed. We have safe, boring hubby’s for starfish duty sex.

Men, listen up. This is invaluable — pitfalls to avoid in adultery. “I’m not sure why she’s so snappy with me…” should lead you here. Are you ready to start looking again? Don’t you remember how awful the search is? Prepared to whack your own dick? Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? If so, you need to step up your game.

Women own the court.

Keeping a lover happy involves some key plays. Or back to your dead bedroom and stale sex. A man should try as hard to keep an affair partner as he does to look for one.

Usually, they don’t.