How To Even…Win a Fist Fight
By: How To Even
Tags: Conflict, Tobey Maguire, Funny, Toxic Masculinity, Life

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

There’s a pretty good chance that, if you’re reading this, you don’t know how to fight. Maybe you once did but are out of….uhm, practice. Yeah, that’s it. You once roamed the frightened halls of your high school or local Arby’s, your dominance uncontested by the trembling plebes. Sure, sure. But those days are long gone. You’ve retired from the heady heights of prowess to a stained recliner in a dirty living room. Really, you just wanted to give someone else a chance to shine.

But let’s be serious. We’re lovers, not fighters. Except we’re not really lovers, either. We’re more…um…like accountants. Who aren’t that good with numbers, and stuff. So. Wait, no, we’re writers, not fighters. That even rhymes. Which means, um, we’ll labor in obscurity and maybe be remembered by a couple other writers after we’re dead. Hmm. Actually, we’re closer to stress eaters than fighters.

Anyway, lucky for you, as long-time observers of humanity — often through its proverbial bathroom window — we’ve compiled some tips to help you save face should you find yourself in a situation requiring the fisticuffs.

Scoring Points with the Crowd

If a fight breaks out in a public place, people are going to watch. This is a fact of human nature. You can be embarrassed by this, or you can turn it to your advantage. Here’s a little secret: the main reason most guys pick fights is to impress other guys. Handsome, handsome other guys. Mmmmm. So, it’s unlikely that a guy will pick a fight when there isn’t a crowd. Women, so we’ve been told, pick fights in order to destroy their opponent. They’re unconcerned about bystanders, federal laws, or self-preservation. The takeaway, here, is that if a woman picks a fight with you, run. Probably won’t matter, though.

But if it’s a guy, you might have a shot, maybe. It really depends on whether the other guy can actually fight. If he can, you’re screwed, of course. But you might be able to go down a hero. What you’ve got to do is win over the crowd. If he feels that they’re not on his side, he’ll be distracted and easier to pull a dirty trick on. (More on that later.) Unless he’s a psycho.

But how to win the crowd over? Being able to actually fight might do it, but we’re looking for real options, here.

-Imply the other person doesn’t like puppies. If it seems more like a cat crowd, feel free to substitute kittens. Or babies. Read the room. (Which, okay, maybe if you could do that you wouldn’t be in this situation? Well, try, anyway.)

-Show off your sweet dance moves. This one works whether you can actually dance or not. (And let’s face it, you can’t.) At very least, your future attacker might take pity on you. Or, this might morph into a dance fight, and the audience will proceed to beat the shit out of both of you. We’re calling that a win.

-Accuse the person of putting mayo on his hot dogs. What kind of fucking weirdo are we dealing with here, folks, amirite? (Wait for nods and murmurs to start rippling through the crowd.) Trust us. This will annihilate the loser.

Dirty Tricks

You’ve done some things. They were humiliating. You’ve talked a lot of shit with, obviously, nothing to back it up. But maybe that wasn’t enough. Maybe the guy is still gunning for you. For men, fighting is almost a ceremonial thing. Think of bucks or rams squaring off to establish dominance, and that’s pretty much what it is. Except bucks and rams serve a purpose in nature.

There are all sorts of unspoken rules about fighting (which is why women are so dangerous, because they don’t care in the slightest about these “rules.” This is because women, as we all know, are smarter than men. If that offends anyone, think of it like this: women just aren’t as dumb as men. Better? We thought so.).

But if you’re a man, and there’s a crowd, using dirty tricks is a no-no. Unless you can get away with them. Which is, of course, what you have to do. Some examples of dirty tricks:

-kicking the other guy in the crotch. This is probably the biggest faux pas, and also the most useful. It’s going to take the other guy down. If it doesn’t, you’re screwed, because it means all rules are void. A crotch kick feeds into the innate male fear of vulnerability, and feelings of sexual inadequacy. But mostly guys dislike this because they all know how much it hurts and immediately feel empathy for the kickee. So, you’ll also lose crowd approval. Unless you can distract everyone, first. Yell, “Hey, it’s Tobey Maguire!” and then point. When everyone looks, you’re free to kick. The downside, here, is that Toby is a real stickler for dirty fighting and may jump in and kick your ass, himself. Which would be an awesome story. So, win-win, really.

-sucker punches. A sucker punch is a surprise punch. Maybe you’re talking to the guy, exchanging whoopass recipes for morels or salmon, and then suddenly, bam, a right hook to the jaw. The hope is that the guy goes down. If he doesn’t, he’s probably going to beat your ass into weinerschnitzel. Note: This is also a good opportunity to use the “Tobey Maguire” mentioned above.

-distractions. These are less forbidden, depending on what they are. Throwing sand or dust into the other person’s eyes, for example, might be considered simply resourceful. Especially if things have been going for a while, and the audience is getting bored. Hiring a gang of armed men to kidnap your opponent’s family and hold them at knife point until he walks into your outstretched fist repeatedly might not go over as well, and it clearly requires more planning. Misquoting lines from Bruce Willis movies can work. A few shouts of “Yippee-Tra-La, Mother-In-Law!” and he’s going to be compelled to correct you. Then you sneak in a couple of punches to the kidneys while he’s busy writing out notes on his whiteboard.

A note on distractions: nobody is going to fall for the “look behind you!” gag popularized in movies and on TV. You can use this to your advantage if you happen to have a well-trained though hungry bear handy.

Remember, with Dirty Tricks, it’s not as though someone had you sign a contract at the beginning of the fight. It’s all about crowd opinion. If they’re into it, you can get away with anything. Maybe try testing them out and see how much they’re willing to let you get away with. You might consider passing out a written survey for the onlookers to fill out before the fight begins.

How Bad Is It If You Soil Yourself?

Mostly, it depends on when you do it. Right out of the gate, and it might prevent the fight completely, since your opponent might be so disgusted with you that he simply walks away. On the other hand, if he doesn’t, you now have to fight with poopy drawers.

Of course, in some cultures, soiling yourself is considered a sign of respect and masculinity. (That’s not true at all. We’re just trying to make you feel better. Really, what kind of culture would respect that, idiot?)

The later in the fight the soiling happens, the less effective it will probably be. Though, this can be countered with the severity of the soiling.

Am I Running Away…Or Am I Advancing Backwards?

This all depends on your perspective. If you face backwards, then, in a sense…you’re still running away.

The important thing is to remember that you just didn’t want to hurt the guy. You’re a lot like Buddha, or Jesus. Or Vic Damone. What a great entertainer! And so underappreciated!

Creating A Diversion By Screaming And Fainting

It’s important to keep your opponent off guard. While distractions (see above) are often a good tactic, sometimes you need a full scale diversion when faced with a stubborn and committed fighter. No diversion is more effective than high-pitched, hysterical screaming followed by collapsing on the floor in a dead faint. With some training and the proper attitude you don’t even have to fake it. Much of this depends on mental imaging. Imagine the excruciating pain you’re about to encounter, the insurmountable medical bills, the utter and lifelong humiliation. Most importantly, imagine your mom in the crowd cheering on the other guy. Did she ever love you, really? If you’re not sure, we heard she has $20 on him.

But even if you lack the stamina to actually behave like a neurotic coward, you can still fake scream and fake faint, with a good chance of using it effectively. The one danger is your opponent taking advantage of your position on the ground to kick the living shit out of you. That’s why it’s important up front to make sure you don’t enrage Bluto TOO MUCH. Remember, perfect pre-planning is the key to unbroken ribs and un-ruptured kidneys.

If you’re skeptical about this approach, remember that the opossum has survived for 50 million years by acting dead when faced with a situation it doesn’t want to deal with, and you can, too.

***

If you get into a fist fight, 999 times out of 999 it’s because of our old friend, Toxic Masculinity. It’s Toxic Masculinity that activates your lizard brain, and turns off your ability to act like a rational being. Toxic Masculinity convinces you something is at stake, like your honor, self-respect, or the respect of others. In other words, completely imaginary things. We, the authors of this blog, sincerely hope you never get in a fistfight. But if you do, we, the authors of this blog, sincerely hope you haven’t read this post beforehand. But if you have, our super-secret almost guaranteed not to fail advice is this:

Your best weapon is a $20 bill, and an offer to buy the next round of drinks.