No But’s About It
By: Noey Gnome
Tags: Noey Gnome, Friends, Relationships, Noey Knows Nothing, Boundaries

“But”

The ultimate word for making excuses. Kids use it: “But, But, Moooommmm,” with tears streaming down their faces.

Adults use it too, with shaky authority…

Ever notice yourself talking about one of your relationships — maybe romantic, maybe a friendship — and you’re telling someone else about some foul behavior or something that’s bothering you, and they tell you straight faced, to cut that person off?

Then you’ll purse your lips with a natural rebuttal, “But — ”

“But he’s really good with the kids!”

“But she was really there for me during my divorce!”

“But they were my first friends in this city!”

Shooooot, I know I’m guilty of it. We say things like “nobody’s perfect,” and proceed to excuse behavior that is clearly bothering us to our core.

Lately I’ve been extremely focused on the individual relationships in my life. Who are the people that I’m constantly making a “but” for? And what are those but’s? Sure, nobody is perfect. However, while some people make mistakes, other people are just selfish and it’s important to be able to tell the difference.

Think of those people that you often need to “vent” about. We all do it — talking behind someone’s back — it’s shitty, but it’s human nature. More than likely, there is just one particular face that comes to mind, that oneeee person you truly can’t stand, BUT.

But what?

You, me…WE need to evaluate those but’s! Does this person deserve to be excused? Are we talking about your relatively perfect husband who never remembers to take out the trash or your so-called bestie who took money from your wallet for oxy’s… again?

A pretty extreme example, but you get the point. Know this:

It’s much harder to keep someone around based on the ONE time they did something nice, then it would be to release them due to the 400 times they did you dirty.

It’s so simple for those on the outside to tell you when to cut someone off. With no emotional investment in the relationship, logical thinking dominates:

Person treats you badly,

Person repeats shitty actions,

Person drives you crazy…

Don’t deal with person no’ mo’!

So why do we even allow for “but’s”? The deeper I dig into my own psyche; I’m starting to realize that maybe on some *deeply fucked up level* I feel that I deserve chaos.

Well that’s strange as SHIT!?

Though, I’m certain that I’m FAR from the only one doing this; just accepting people in my life who shouldn’t even have a cupboard under the stairs (HP reference, holla at ya girl).

So how can we break the cycle? I, for one, feel so guilty talking about people behind their back. I’m trying to get to a point where when I notice myself doing it with the same person over and over, I’ll take a step back and force myself to see things from an outside perspective.

Are the but’s surrounding this relationship, at all logical? If they aren’t, then maybe I just don’t see that person anymore/as often.

On many occasions, if the big ol’ BUT seems justified, I’ll stick my neck out and plainly tell someone what they are doing that’s hurting me. But tread with caution doing this!! Because yes, while honesty may be the best policy… it’s at this point that you choose additional responsibility:

If you tell someone what they are doing and they A) get mad or B) agree, then fall right back into old ways… you then have no choice but to let them go.

And that shit ain’t easy baby!

Of course, we know life isn’t always easy. Usually, anything “worth it,” won’t be. But the least we can do for ourselves is make it easier before it’s too difficult to manage.

Don’t waste another second making excuses for somebody else; Lord knows we spend enough time making excuses for our damn selves! Allow room for relationships that lift you up and don’t make you say “but.” Invite reciprocity into your life.