A Collection Of Pitches From Hollywood Directors For The Christmas Shoes Remake
Tags: Shoes, Satire, Humor, Movies, Holidays

A Collection Of Pitches From Hollywood Directors For The Christmas Shoes Remake Cortney Follow Dec 27 · 3 min read

Tyron Harkiss-Foster for Unsplash.

The Christmas Shoes is a 2002 movie based on the eponymous song. It’s about a boy who tries to save money to buy his terminally ill mother shoes. Rob Lowe stars as a wealthy workaholic who pays for the shoes, but ignores his own family the entire movie. Here are a few snippets from the directors during the pitching process:

Martin Scorsese- There’s this incredible de-aging technology that we can use so that Robert De Niro can play the son. I used it in my latest opus, The Irishman. Also five hours is ABSOLUTELY not too long for a movie of the week. Who’s Rob Lowe?

Greta Gerwig-I think it’s sexist that he thinks she WANTS shoes. It’s important that we LISTEN to our characters, and I just don’t think this single, terminally-ill mother wants SHOES. It’s just not conceivable in my world. Why wouldn’t she want night classes? I have no interest in involving Rob Lowe in my adaptation. He once referred to me as, “Noah Baumbach’s girlfriend.” Plus, he’s too white; I demand more diversity in Hollywood. I plan to cast Saoirse Ronan as the son and Timothee Chalamet as the mother. Regardless of their past roles in my projects, there won’t be any sexual tension between the characters.

Aaron Sorkin-The most important thing is to be a good writer, a good writer? A good writer. Yes, a good writer. Dialogue is of the essence. Dialogue? Yes, dialogue. An example of it would be:

SON: Mother, are you home?

MOTHER: Home? Yes, I’m home, why wouldn’t I be home? I’ve been affixed to this portable hospital bed for seven months now, and you think I wouldn’t be HOME?

SON: It was just a question.

MOTHER: A question?

SON: Yes, a question.

And this exchange would be AT LEAST the first 20 pages of the script. Hailee Steinfeld should cover the original song for the soundtrack and play the mother. Music is important for films. Important? Yes, important and-I’m sorry, but you’re telling me the original movie is why Rob Lowe left the West Wing early? I’m kicking him out of my MasterClass now.

Quentin Tarantino- So you got this fuckin mom with cancer, right, RIIIIGHT, and the mom, the fuckin mom, is a stripper on the side in ADDITION to having cancer, SEE, but we don’t really show that. It’s IMPLIED in her montage where she’s topless and “One Headlight” plays in the background. This will be an amalgamation of an old gangster movie and a modern Kung Fu movie. I considered Rob Lowe for Reservoir Dogs, but thought he was too good-looking. Interesting to see where he ended up, yeah? YEAHH. I want Margot Robbie as the middle- aged, terminally ill, stripper mother. At 30, she totally ready to transition to only “mother” type roles. OH ALSOOOO this will all be shot on 35mm film. No negotiations. OKAAYY?

Wes Anderson-(Fumbles trying to open a yellow briefcase and then lays out a green Adidas tracksuit, gold Puma sneakers, a pack of Parliament cigarettes, a 1960s-style piggy bank, a patterned hospital gown, a vintage gas mask, glass coke bottles, and tattered tweed mittens in a meticulous order. He also listened to his favorite record from The Kinks start to finish for preparation during this time). *Clears throat* “I think Bill Murray would be absolutely perfect for-“ (He looks up and realizes the sun has gone down and the producers already went home for the day).