Mann ki Baat in the Cowland
By: Anjali G Sharma
Tags: India, Humour, Politics, Social Change, Satire

Addressed to my fellow beings of “cow” species in India and abroad

Dear mates

The year 2017 has been going action packed for all of us, rather since past few years, we have been the centre of human attention! (should I say thanks to the choices Indians have made with respect to their democracy and governments which has accentuated this!).Incidents and episodes with us being at the centre stage — sometimes with a mention of us being alive, other times killing people in the name of the meat of our dead mates, beeping our name in the documentary by a noble laureate and more recently distributing cow meat detection ELISA kits to the state police using the budget for their bulletproof jackets ?— things have been happening almost every week. Now all of you would agree dear mates — all this doesn’t resonate with our calm, composed and docile nature and persona, so much attention and media intervention! This is disturbing me to the limits and that’s why I address you here.

Yesterday my CCMI — the “cow communication minister of India” from Delhi informed me how a young boy was questioning his mother when he saw some of our cow mates standing in the middle of a busy Delhi road. The little one was unable to contemplate how these cows could generate so much unrest, aggression and impatience amongst humans. He was amused by what he had been seeing on various TV channels when uncles and aunties shouted about incidents around cows! The cows on the road seemed so oblivious — they didn’t even react to the constant horns that had been blowing from all corners of the road (I must make a mention about the degrading patience levels of humans reaching a new abyss day after day!) at them — then how come there was so much rage and aggression on various issues around them? He seemed flummoxed!

Those hungry cows were oblivious for sure — they had been pushed on the road by the milkman in the nearby basti to scout for breakfast of their choice from road as well as from the local garbage collection point. Leave the nutrition which is related to milk production — (humans rely more on bovine hormones for that as its ruthless administration has increased over past few years absolutely forgetting the harmful impact on the human beings especially children)- what the innocent cows got was polythene bags and plastic cans which just gave poor creatures nothing else but poison! Careless humans, they are confused and ignorant — and how they call themselves vigilantes — they are in a mode of self destruction!

Then this controversy around our meat which they call beef. Now, lest you should think it was too simple, it isn’t. Beef is enjoyed by few of our nation’s minority religions as well as some sects of majority religion as well. Rules around beef work differently in various parts of the country and various minorities! Now the majority religion also calls us their “maa- gau maa”, they worship us dead or alive. Does that confuse you? I guess everything is confusing and blurred with these humans and since many of them don’t have anything else to do — they are self charged with the stupid work of spreading anger and hatred amongst fellow humans! And in all this we are being made an object — an object of venting out the intolerance and fuming confusion that these humans breed and cultivate against each other.We never complained about being cooked or eaten. We never doubted the intentions when they prayed and put us on “maa” pedestal. But we complain now since we are made an object of vigilantism. Humans — “Not in our name please”

Off late -some sections of superior human race have come out and are pushing the idea of making us the national animal of this country. I say — thank you but no thank you. We arent interested! The leader of the RBT(Royal Bengal Tiger) who enjoys this status whatsapped me to inform that beings of his tribe were very unhappy over this and would not think twice in immigrating to other countries for good if this idea is pushed. I have reassured him that nothing of this sort will happen. However, the logic stated by a state judge of the country supporting our designation as national animal is worth sharing with you as it is foolishly weird. He compares our piousity with that of national bird — dear peacock. Not only does his ignorance amazes me but also his silliness as to the criteria of piousness! Really pity the state of judiciary in the human land.Mr judge — please go and check the guidelines on everyone’s favorite Google as to how a national animal is chosen!

Our message to the superior human race (well they assume they are but recent lynchings in our name has made me believe that emotionally they may be inferior to many other species) — We don’t want any national status or any special privilege. We help you in numerous ways — happily giving — milk, meat, urine, dung and skin. You worship us, call us mother or not but please don’t spread violence in our names and don’t try to be our rakshaks or vigilantes. That’s the least we need from a race which owes us so much. Do think about other serious issues — environment , climate changes and about the other universal mother — that you are exploiting more than us — the mother earth!

Dear mates — This is my mid year review message to you to spread across various cows communities in India as well as throughout the world. I have asked my communications minister to put the message strongly across all social media channels — Facebook, Twitter and Instagram tagging me and other relevant portfolio ministers and calling out the representatives of Indian government! Have also been assured help from Haridwar Baba whose business started and is soaring high because of various products from us and who swears to revolutionise medicine and yoga using our urine! If we don’t see humans responding, we threaten trolling on social media and boycotting Indian humans from all our products!

Till my next address, I sign off. United we stand!

Mooooo….

The Cow Prime Minister of India(CPMI)

Delhi, 21/7/2017

when cows talk, the world better listen!