Sobriety- Not as bad as I thought.
By: Ji Hun Jacobson
Tags: Lifestyle, Blog, Humour, Drugs, Sobriety

Greetings, I’m back again- sadly. This week I have decided to start off strong and discuss a little about my drug “problem”. Of all the problems I have in my not so great life, I have recently identified drugs as being the biggest and most frustrating thing I have battled (for the lack of a better word) with. Hence, I will try and be open and honest with this post, just as with any other one, and will deliver a hopefully insightful perspective on this topic. Towards the end of this post, I will also discuss my general views on drug laws and how that has changed slightly since my sobriety, because after all who wants to hear a 22 year old whining and bitching about how bad drugs are? Anyways, enough with the sob story, let us embark on this week’s bizarre journey into the minefield which is more commonly known as my brain.

Drugs I have (regretfully) used

Well, this is going to be a fantastic journey down memory lane. I started smoking weed when I was 17, yes I know, a late bloomer. However I started smoking cigarettes when I was 13, and I believe that was where my fascination with the devil’s lettuce originated from. Furthermore, I lived in Dubai from when I was 13 to 17, and drugs were simply not available there, hence my late drug awakening. Anyways, it started with weed, and then I eventually used LSD, gasp! It was recommended by a mate who suggested I try it to help with my depression and anxiety, so I was like fuck it. (More on my first psychedelic trip later.) I then tried magic mushrooms, because I thought if I’ve already done LSD, I might as well go the full mile. When in Rome, do what as the Romans do. One distinct memory I have with both of these drugs is on my 21st, instead of getting blackout drunk, I decided to take a tab of LSD, a gram of mushrooms, and a shit ton of weed. I remember little of the night, whoops.

Other “drugs” I have experimented with were MDMA, non addictive brain “enhancers” like Modafinil, and inhaling nitrous oxide, also more commonly known as nangs (sorry mum). Of these drugs, MDMA was a positive experience because it made me happier than I have ever been, until the next day and I had to readjust to the existential pain of reality and the mundane nature of life. I won’t go into too much detail about the other drugs as let’s be real, who’s gonna read about all that boring shit? Before moving swiftly on, I shall elaborate on as to why I even started smoking cigarettes before puberty fully hit me.

I guess it has to do something with my poor mental health and how I just didn’t really wanna be alive anymore. Hence, I thought lung cancer would be a great way to kill myself, as not only was it an effective way to do such a thing, but also a fun way (in a morbid sense) to say fuck it and kick the bucket. Yet, with the lens of hindsight, I clearly recognise that lung cancer is a horrid experience, and is in fact a long and painful way to travel to the pearly gates of heaven. Additionally, to that realisation, I also had an epiphany during my first LSD trip. Aside from the stereotypical aspects of such an experience, I very distinctly remember looking at a warning message on a pack of cigarettes. In this altered state, the warning message and the accompanying picture physically popped out to me. It was the photo of the kid with the ventilator mask thingy on, with the warning, “don’t let others breathe in your smoke”. Therefore, at that moment I was like yeah I think I wanna quit cigarettes. Also, I was just sick of smelling like a bloody ashtray. Unfortunately, I am still addicted to nicotine, as since then I have switched to vaping but hey it is all about that harm minimisation I guess. On that note, we can move on.

Drugs I haven’t tried (gladly?)

Since I have discussed the drugs that I have tried, abused, and experimented with in the past, I thought it would only be appropriate to have a honourable mentions section to the ones I have not tried and why I haven’t (mainly because I am a big ole scaredy cat). The most mainstream drugs that I have not tried is what I like to call the “big three”. Essentially what I call the big three are: cocaine, heroin, and methamphetamine. I guess I never tried any of the big 3 because I saw no “medicinal” benefits in them, and saw them as more destructive than constructive (you’re welcome mum). I was looking for drugs to numb/ “fix” my depression, not ones that had a significant high rate of addiction and make my beautiful teeth fall out. Moreover, that is why I never really abused prescription drugs like benzos, xans, or even ketamine. (Well, I tried lean, cough syrup mixed with soft drink, but personally it tasted shit and felt like a medicinally manufactured weed high) If it was white, I didn’t fuck with it, just like how I don’t fuck with white women (that was a joke if you couldn’t tell, I love white women, like Hillary Clinton! Sorry, another joke, okay enough of this tangent). I presume others in the drug community will think I was a pussy and never really struggled with real drugs, as marijuana and psychedelics aren’t really seen as “real” drugs. Yet, I want to counter with this. If you cannot have fun without any sort of drug, or feel “happy” without any drug, essentially doing life without drugs, does that not put us in the same boat? I reckon it varies from individual to individual, but hey maybe that is something to think about. Hey, think, McFly, think.

Why weed and why sobriety

I slightly touched upon why weed quickly became my poison of choice. However, I will try and elaborate it a little bit more, because why not, I’m in charge here. I guess it was the physical act of lighting something up and inhaling smoke that really drew me in at first. Also, doing with mates and just chilling and feeling a part of a community was very enticing. Additionally, the well-known side effects of the drug, such as making me fall asleep, eating more, and actually enjoying life when high, made me fall in love with Mary Jane even more. Until the next day that is. It started off small and unnoticeable, but when I started smoking every night alone for 3 years straight, it got worse and worse. I would wake up groggy, foggy, hazy, whatever you want to call it. My depression got worse, I wanted to kill myself multiple times a day. Paranoia increased substantially, I started hearing voices sober and stoned. I drew away from friends who used and who didn’t. I felt like I was just shell of who I really was. Sometimes I would wake up in bed and be confused as to where I was. It was fucked. I lost what little control I had in the first place. I don’t like remembering all this shit, but whatever. Lastly, my memory was shot to pieces. Both short-term and long-term memory was affected, it took a toll on my uni work. Hence why I kept smoking to escape all of it, and the cycle continued. But enough of this whining and bitching, now my reasons for sobriety.

I guess the thought and decision of sobriety and abstinence originated from a friend. They intervened and made me choose between our friendship and my spiral of self-destruction. I chose the friendship, I’m not that dumb, jeez. Initially, I thought it’d be piss easy. Oh boy was I wrong. The first two weeks were the nearest thing to torture I have experienced. Smoking was the only thing I thought about and suicide was on my mind even more. It got slightly better though, I got prescribed antidepressants, and am currently seeing a drug counsellor to help me with this journey. I have noticed positive effects of sobriety, like bits of memory coming back, and having a more clear sense of self (like self-content and shit). At the time of me writing this, it has been two months and 4 days of sobriety, and by the time you read this it’ll be a couple more days than that. That’s how time works. It has been difficult to say the least and I am fully aware it will continue to be so for a while to come. Right now, I’m attempting to fix my sleeping and eating patterns, which has proven to be a daunting and frustrating task. But fuck it, I’m sick of being a pussy and just putting on a band-aid on what is so clearly a bleeding wound. Anyways, that’s been pretty much my experience, and who knows I might do a part two further into my sobriety journey.

Drug laws

They need to change. Simple as that. I don’t really wanna flog a dead horse here, but this section was bound to anyways. Recently, numerous states in good ole America have changed legislation surrounding their drug laws. I mean it took them fucking long enough to realise that pot was a systemic and racist law originating from the Reagan era to marginalise black communities. But hey, that’s neither here or there. I’m just glad that most states have caught onto the fact that pot can be used both medicinally and recreationally. Anywho, it is encouraging to see that MDMA is also being used for mental health problems, as well as psychedelics for PTSD and depression and shit (trust me there’s heaps of articles on it coming out of America about it, this blog ain’t no academic paper). So yes, it is changing, slowly. But, these are all state level changes, they need to figure out how to or if they should change it on a federal level.

Now let’s turn our attention to Australia. We have a tight arse, conservative government at the moment. Which is fine, I really do not care. And it is cool to see that weed is being legalised (in terms of growing and maybe smoking?) in Canberra at the moment. And of course it is great it is decriminalised in NSW. I mean with my run in with the boys in blue in high school as a juvenile, I got my record wiped once I turned 18, which was nice. Still felt like I was importing heroin but they just doing their job I guess. Anyways, to wrap this up, I believe we need to be careful with drug legalisation. There will always be individuals like me with no self-control and addiction problems. And preventing people without such problems or who actually benefit from the medicinal offerings of these drugs isn’t the best idea either (there’s some Utopian thinking for ya). Therefore, it is a meticulous tightrope balancing act. And yeah, as the cliche saying goes, we need to treat it like a public/mental health problem not a criminal one.

TLDR:

I did quite a few drugs.

Drugs can be both good and bad.

Laws around them need to be changed (maybe)

If you’re a police officer or work in the law enforcement field, please don’t come after me, I used to do drugs.