The Time a Man Let Me Be a Woman
By: Kyla Sawyer
Tags: LGBTQ, Transgender, Breakups, Dating, Womanhood

The Time a Man Let Me Be a Woman

Dating is difficult and different for everyone. But the fetishizing and shame for straight men to openly love a transwoman is still a very real problem that me and so many other trans-identifying people experience to this day. It’s affected the way I approach getting to know someone, the way that I catch up with my friends’ love lives over coffee, or how I perceive acts of kindness from men. In my experience, it’s almost every time I meet someone, it ends in a similar fashion. They have never dated a woman like me, they are curious, or require our endeavors to be a secret due to the thought of their self-image being ruined.

I’ve lost count how many times the men I’ve found myself falling for, beg to me, “please don’t tell anyone I’m seeing you.” Over and over again, the thought of a companionship blossoming is blocked by the need to comfort my partner’s insecurity they have yet to face.

Photo by Sarah Cervantes on Unsplash

I was eighteen years old when I actually began making more legal and physical changes to my identity. That was also the same time when I started dating. I never had the privilege to date or even have my first kiss with a boy growing up, so the world of sex and love was experienced anew simultaneously with figuring out my womanhood. And because of the chaos of juggling both of these learning curves, I didn’t get to experience the conventional boy and girl falling in love experience. It was always boy and girl, with a slight anomaly, fall in love, and boy doesn’t want anyone to know. And that’s all I’ve known dating to be.

What if I met someone who didn’t care about what’s between my legs? Or what if I met someone who fully embraced me and thought my individuality was something to be celebrated? Sounds like a lovely idea.

I ended up meeting someone online and consistently saw each other for about two years. Lets call him Drew. One thing Drew made very clear to me when we first met was that he’s dated transwomen before and that “this isn’t some bucket list curiosity”. I was so dumbfounded at the thought that someone doesn’t care about the label that was placed onto my head the day that I decided to be myself, and actually get to engage with someone without doubt. Or so I thought.

There was always a lack of communication from him so I never knew where I stood in the details of his life. I’d end up leaving his front doorsteps with the same questions I came to him with, still unanswered. Why does he change the subject whenever I try to open up? Is he seeing other people? What does he really want when it comes to us?

However, Drew made me feel beautiful and special. He never asked me about my “trans-ness”. Not once did he ask me to keep us a secret. He wasn’t afraid to be seen with me in public. But yet, things never fully developed between us. I wanted more and I didn’t know if he did. Until finally I had enough of wondering and asked him to lunch, where I was going to tell him how I really feel, and see if it’s mutual.

The date finally came around; we were going to make tacos together and watch a classic film. But just a few hours before, he canceled. This wasn’t something I was shocked by, everyone in this day and age has been there, done that. And this wasn’t the first time he’s flaked on me. This time I had had enough. I reached a point in my life where I was sick of not getting what I desire and deserve. I took his last minute cancellation as a clear sign he wasn’t serious about me. I blocked him on social media and any form of contact.

Months go by and there was one question that kept circling my head.

Was it because I’m trans?

I hated that. Not because of the actual possibility of it being true, but because that was my first instinctual thought. Why couldn’t I question if he was seeing other people? Or maybe he has commitment issues? Maybe he didn’t like something about my personality? But no, my mind immediately goes back to the number one insecurity that I took so many years overcoming.

All my past experiences with dating have groomed me to believe that every time a relationship doesn’t work out, it’s because I am trans. To think other conventional ways a breakup can occur just wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. I couldn’t fathom that this time would be the outlier from all the rest.

So one night after a glass of wine or two, I reached out to Drew and asked if he wanted to catch up sometime. He told me he still thinks about me often and wishes he could see me but turns out he’s seriously seeing someone and proceeded to tell me all about this new girl. I was shocked, confused, and this was the final straw. I had to stop my constant pondering on whether or not my insecurity was valid.

I asked if the reason we didn’t work out was because of my identity. I asked him why after two years of seeing each other he’s never wanted anything serious with me, but is willing to do so with someone else. He denied that it was because of me and just simply said, “It was the wrong time, I guess.”

Photo by Filip Mroz on Unsplash

I gave him a chance to be honest with me. He had nothing to lose and yet he gives me that simple explanation to settle the situation. I’ll never know if he actually had more to say, so all I can do is take it for what it is. And yet again I’m left here with more questions in my head; transported back to those unanswered doorsteps.

I wasn’t exactly sure how to process all this besides watching the film, “Happiest Season” and binge eating chocolate and potato chips. I thought to myself while watching, “I wish there was a movie that showed a healthy relationship between a cisgender man and a transwoman navigating their issues and eventually achieve their happy ending.” This representation on the big screen could allow our community to feel seen and show men that loving us can be a viable option. Seeing that relationship dynamic within any story platform would’ve been so helpful on the journey of finding my own self worth when it comes to loving another.

I’ll never truly know what went on in Drew’s head, but what I do know is that I was able to experience being loved without my gender label being the main factor in our relationship. Being trans isn’t a liability, and life’s circumstances don’t have to revolve around it. With this closure, comes a newfound understanding- being trans doesn’t have to be the reason someone leaves.