I’m Not an Introvert — I Have Social Anxiety
By: Benya Clark
Tags: Anxiety, Mental Health, Psychology, Self-awareness, Social Anxiety

I used to call myself an introvert. I thought of myself as a loner who’d rather stay home playing video games than go out to big parties. Just the thought of spending too much time around other people exhausted me.

The trouble with this was that I didn’t actually enjoy spending time by myself. A night spent reading in my room didn’t leave me feeling excited and refreshed; it left me lonely and depressed.

So, I ended up feeling awful no matter what I did. I could go out with friends and feel awkward all night, or stay in and be miserable.

My solution was often to turn to substance abuse. I’d drink and smoke cigarettes, which would provide a temporary cure in both situations. When I was in public, it would reduce my self-consciousness and let me enjoy myself. When I was at home, it would make the hours pass more quickly.

Of course, this tactic created far more problems than it solved. I ended up developing addictions to both alcohol and nicotine, and I was no closer to understanding myself.

It wasn’t until sobering up and going to therapy that I grasped the underlying issue: I had been mistaking social anxiety for introversion.

Socially Anxious Extroverts

I’ve dealt with anxiety issues my entire life, but it took me a long time to realize how severely they were affecting my social life. I often wrote off symptoms of anxiety because I thought they were simply traits of introversion.

In social situations, I constantly worried about coming across as weird or off-putting. I struggled to interact with people because I was so caught up worrying about myself.

I’d often spend entire parties on the balcony, chain-smoking cigarettes as an excuse to avoid crowds. When I did go inside, I’d hover near the wall or try to get into one-on-one conversations in quiet areas. I also often went for the classic move of playing with the host’s pets.

I’ve seen all these actions described as introversion, so I just assumed that’s what it was. I thought that I was nervous at parties because I liked being by myself more. I never took the time to think about whether that was really the case.

The truth was that my reaction to social situations went far beyond mere introversion. I often panicked before leaving my house, running to the bathroom multiple times because I was so nervous. When I was forced into crowds, I’d have trouble thinking. I even experienced some physical discomfort, like sweaty palms and an uneasy stomach. I missed these clear signs that something was wrong.

When I finally took the time to reflect on what I really enjoyed, I realized that I’m happiest when I’m with other people. It’s just that being with others makes me nervous at the same time.

Coming to this realization was like a breath of fresh air. Even though I didn’t see any immediate solutions, by finally understanding the real problem, I could see that there was hope.

Being a socially anxious extrovert is tough — there are two competing emotions pulling in opposite directions. It’s helpful, however, to understand that the anxiety is the issue, not the extroversion.

I don’t have any easy hacks to make social anxiety disappear. It’s an issue that I’ve been working on for several years, through therapy and on my own, and made gradual but significant progress with.

I think the most helpful thing has simply been exposure. I’ve tried to frequently put myself in social situations, so that I can train my brain to realize that I don’t need alcohol or cigarettes to get through them. It’s been a bit more difficult as everything has shifted online this year, but I’m still trying to find ways to interact with others regularly.

The Importance of Self-Reflection

Plenty of introverts really are introverts, and that’s okay. More power to them! But, I’m sure there are many others like me who are just overlooking their social anxiety. It’s worth the time to reflect and ask yourself what you really prefer.

Are you staying home to read because you love reading, or because the thought of interacting with other people makes your palms sweat? If it’s the later, a talk with a therapist might help you discover whether you’re really an introvert, or just an extrovert with social anxiety.

This type of self-reflection is vital because it allows you to find a path that will lead to actual happiness, rather than an avoidance of your problems.

When I thought I was introverted, it led to a lot of lonely and depressing nights. By realizing that my problem arose from social anxiety, I was able to start addressing it. That has led to a huge improvement in my happiness and well-being.