Ugh, Good Grief: A New Journey in Self-Journaling
By: Julia Kennedy
Tags: Self Care, Millennials, Grief, Death, Journal

I’ve been taking a little hiatus from blogging, focusing a ton on reading and laying the groundwork for my next project―Ugh, Good Grief. Right now in its infancy, it’s a self-care esque journal I’m creating for myself, but I’m hoping to pick out the best pages and create a blank book to help those who are dealing with loss.

At 24 I lost my mom because cancer is straight garbage, and I quickly became aware of a problem I was going to have when starting to move through grief. Resources for loss are honestly a dime a dozen, and I have read a ton of bad advice. I am not a psychologist, doctor, or a professional in anything, but my experience struggling to find genuine resources pushed me to try to write the book I wish I had 4 years ago.

When I headed into a support group for early grievers I was easily the youngest in the room; I couldn’t relate to seeing my parent slowly lose function over long years of life, or keeping a brave face for kids. On the flipside, the plethora of resources for young children or teens didn’t strike a chord.

Thankfully in the last four years I have met more and more 20–30 somethings that know what it’s like, discovered artists that just nail down what my internal monologue is like (shout out to Emily McDowell, Adam J. Kurtz, and Make Daisy Chains), and devoured real stories of loss (shout out to Terrible, Thanks For Asking and Dead Mom’s Club)

So while it’s still a work in progress, here are some of my favorite pages so far:

A playlist that can never be played

Songs I Can’t Listen To Anymore

I have a super nerdy secret — I listen to music or audio all day. Seriously, all day. In the house, walking the dog, going only from my door to check the mail–yeah, I have my headphones in When I got into my car for the first time to drive back from Philadelphia to Northern Virginia after my mom died, I paused when instinctively trying to pick what to listen to.

What the heck do you listen to on a 3 hour road trip after you mom died?!

I settled on silence, and after that more silence. I couldn’t stomach the menial problems of pop-songs, and couldn’t yet bare listening to songs that were tied to memories with mom. When I did start to listen to music again, I was surprised what would consistently make me sob putting them on an emotional boycott. Years out I can listen to most of these but only under the darkest sunglasses to mask the welling in my eyes that will eventually occur.

All of us, those with dead relatives, or ex’s, or loss period all have a ‘Do Not Playlist.’ Part of me wants to compile these all together, see everyone’s choices and assemble the world’s saddest playlist.

If I hear these one more time…

Word(s I’m Very Tired of Hearing) Search

Literally, anyone who has dealt with loss knows two universal truths: losses are not comparable, and that people will say the wrong thing.

As recommended life reading to just be a kinder human, and to prep yourself when inevitably shitting things happen to your friends, I suggest Emily McDowell and Dr. Kelsey Crowe’s ‘There Is No Good Card for This: What To Say and Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love.’

Almost instantaneously I got sick of polite phrases like “how are you holding up?” or “if you need to talk,” and immediately shut down things you should never tell a grieving person like the very real time someone compared their recent loss of a dog to when my mother died.

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And so, words I’m tired of hearing search was born as a process to forgive those tiny spoken injustices because unless you’ve lived through it, most people don’t know what to say. Even if you have, you’ll never understand what that person’s loss really looks and feels like, so just do your best, be honest, and don’t over promise.

Cat for the record is not super effective

Ways I’ve Hid Crying In Public

As I mentioned in my Do Not Playlist, I have done my fair share of crying in public the past four years. Because of that, I’ve tested out almost every way to make it look like you’re just a normal not-sad human going about your life. Some of these are far more successful than others, but I’m delightfully surprised how my fight or flight instincts have turned into panic and cover.

I look back on this list and realize how far I’ve come, even with being comfortable as a person that cries in public. As I remember and record some of my most embarrassing cover-ups I remember that that raw loss is for the most part gone, and time will truly heal even if I am still an impatient person.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and feedback on these pages or about any self-journaling you’re doing. Find me over on Twitter @ugh_goodgrief.

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This article first appeared on jskennedy.net on 9/18/2018