My Brother Tim (Chalamet) Isn’t Even That Great
By: Adam Dietz
Tags: Timothée Chalamet, Satire, Film, Humor, Family

Pietro Luca Cassarino, 2 September 2019

I’m not even sure how it happened, really. One day, I’m beating the crap out of my brother Tim in our basement and the next day he’s like some freakin’ sex symbol. What’s worse is that it’s not even just girls our age who think he’s hot: it’s everyone. I was getting a Gatorade from a bodega last week and I overheard this lady talking about Little Women (which he’s like, sixth billed in, by way) and how “beautiful and striking” Tim was. A 70-year-old woman said that! Growing up, girls liked me way more than they liked Tim. I took two girls to prom; in the end, they found out about each other and left, but still, that’s more dates than most people have. It’s definitely more dates than Tim had. Tim skipped out on prom and volunteered at a local convalescent home instead. Then after he was done, he showed up to the prom to help clean up. Everyone thought it was so great. Everyone thinks everything Tim does is so great.

I used to like my brother Tim just fine. I mean, it was kind of annoying how he always helped our mom with the dishes and got straight As without even working hard, but other than that, he was okay. These days though, it’s like he walks on water. He can do no wrong. He was the lead in a Woody Allen movie last year and people straight-up didn’t care. Meanwhile, I flunk one communications class and get hit with a vandalism charge and my mom freaks out and tells me I’m on the “wrong path.” It’s crazy. And when Tim actually decides to come home and grace us with his presence, my parents freak out. The whole neighborhood does. He’ll show up with all these gifts and just surprise us. Things like Italian wines, fine gemstones, Warhol originals; it’s wild. Heck, he even bought me a game-worn Aaron Judge Yankees Jersey, which was pretty cool. I like the gifts and everything, but when he gives me World Series memorabilia and I give him a dress shirt from Van Heusen, it just makes me feel a little inadequate. Also, Tim wet the bed until he was like twelve. You never read about that on Buzzfeed, do you?

Timothée added the accent to his name at the request of his agent, who wouldn’t even spend two minutes listening to my demo tape. He was born Timothy, just plain old Timothy. Now he’s all cultured, traveling to different countries and trying different foods. Do you want to know what his actual favorite food is? It’s not caviar or glazed duckling. Tim likes beef and cheddar sandwiches from Arby's. Always has. Yeah, the “devil may care” cool dude from Lady Bird’s idea of fine dining is the food court at your local mall. I’m sure people will somehow find that endearing. When I spill nacho cheese on myself while eating, it’s gross, but when Tim does it, it’s charming.

People used to say I was the talented one, but they stopped saying that a long time ago. Tim has it all: fame, money, a sex appeal that transcends generations, and now he’s dating that girl from Baby Driver who made out with Jon Hamm. It just doesn’t seem fair, but I guess that’s life. So with all that in mind, I’m going to ask you all for a favor. When Dune comes out this winter, please boycott it and instead head over to Soundcloud and search “Rappin’ Jeff Chalamet.” My new album “Mr-understood,” will have dropped by then. It’s fire.