Everyone Has A Right to Grieve
By: Edie Tuck
Tags: Death, Loss, Grief And Loss, Grief, Sadness

“They’re in a better place now.” “I’m so sorry for your loss.” “Everything will be okay.” “They’ll always be with you.” “They’re not suffering anymore.”

I know you mean well, but just stop…please…

A few of you might be lucky enough to not have suffered the loss of a loved one, but the majority of us have experienced heart-wrenching loss in our lives. When someone passes, we often feel like we want to help alleviate the sorrow, but if you’re in the unfortunate majority, you know that the only thing these well-meaning platitudes serve to do is actually making you feel worse.

I call them platitudes because that’s really all they are. We say these things — offering our condolences and sympathies — because we feel like it’s expected, or because we just don’t know what else to say when someone we know has lost a loved one. Friends, let me tell you that sometimes, it’s just better to say nothing at all.

Although we might feel obliged to send sympathy cards, they’re counterproductive— save your money and their emotional state of mind. Nobody needs a reminder that they lost someone — the card companies have found a way to commercialize and monetize grief.

It’s a hard spot, I know. You feel like you have to say something, offer some kind of condolences. It’s what we’ve been raised to do, what we’ve watched our parents do our entire lives; it’s what everyone does. Think of how it’s received, however. No one wants to listen to clichés when they’ve just suffered a crushing blow.

Put yourself in their shoes — a fate you’ve most likely already experienced before— and remember how it made you feel. Be honest in your assessment. Your automatic response might be I felt grateful for their kindness, but think about how the emotional reaction their guilted-kindness caused you to have. Did it make you feel happy, or did it bring forth a fresh wave of grief?

The grieving process is different for almost everyone, and we all handle loss in our own unique way. Speaking from personal experience, whenever someone offers their sympathies, I automatically feel sadder than I did before. It reminds me of my pain and my loss, instead of serving as the show of support it was intended to be.

Grief is the wound that never truly heals. Years can go by, decades, a lifetime, and still, we grieve. A little less often, perhaps, but the pain of loss is a well that runs deep. It creates a profound void, and no amount of kind words from well-meaning friends or strangers can fill this emptiness.

“They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite”

― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

It’s Okay to Not Be Okay

It’s important to understand that the cycle of grief needs to run its course. Don’t try to console someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. Not only are you trying to accomplish the impossible, but you’re probably inadvertently making it worse for them. In the deepest moments of grief, no words are needed — nor wanted.

Quiet support. The gentle touch of a hand. A warm hug (only if one is needed). A shoulder to cry on when solitude isn’t wanted, and a listening ear when they want to talk.

We need to remember that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s necessary — and healthy — to allow ourselves to be sad and take the time we need to come to terms with a new reality without our loved one. It’s just as important for those of us on the outside looking in, to recognize when to take a step back, or to step forward. To understand when words are needed, and when they’re not. When to offer our company, and hold our ‘words of wisdom,’ or to simply leave them in the temporary solitude they require to cry their oceans of tears and heal.