Questions on love and happiness in relationships
Tags: Lovestory, Happiness, Love, Relationships

Something to reflect upon

Before you read this article, I’d like you to take a few mindful seconds to read through these four question. For many people these questions might relate to previous relationships that they are no longer in, or they may be directly linked to a current relationship.

1. What is one thing that your girlfriend/boyfriend/partner/wife/husband (past or present) does on a regular basis that makes you happy?

2. What is one outstanding thing they have done on a one-off basis that made you happy?

3. What does love mean to you?

4. What do you look for in a relationship?

Do the answers to these questions change over time, due to circumstances, mood, or self-development?

The following questions came to me without much thinking. I could perhaps have crafted more thought-provoking questions, or perhaps questions that would give a different insight. But these questions were sent on a whim to many of my friends, some of which I know intimately, others less intimately, and some of whom I haven’t connected with for a while. As a result, people have opened up to different degrees, and put different amounts of effort into answering these questions. What is most interesting, and my aim from asking these questions is the different interpretations, and the tremendous amount of differences in their answers.

For the scientists out there male (n= 11) female (n=10), married (n=3), engaged (n=2), in a relationship (n=5), single (n=11).

Question 1: What is one thing that your girlfriend/ boyfriend/ partner/ wife/ husband (past or present) does on a regular basis that makes you happy?

A: “I think just smiling at you and making you laugh is really important. Making you feel like you’re special or significant to them.”

K: “Always asks how I am and really cares. If I’m not okay he’s there to quickly get my mind of things and make me laugh.” J: “She always cheers me up and makes me laugh a lot.” T: “He always shows up on time or early, and completely ready for whatever activity we’re doing. He’s so reliable and that makes me happy, and he’s always prepared correctly which is probably just another occurrence of him being on the autistic spectrum, but to me it shows he takes me seriously and that he’s all in. It’s like he shows up so ready that I know the day will be amazing because he’s reliable and committed to making it great. Whereas some people kind of just go along with things and hope for the best.” H: “I think the thing that makes me happiest is when they predict my needs, like when I’m having a bad day and they message me first, or I’m in the middle of work and they bring me a cup of tea, it shows that they were thinking about me.” A: “Makes me laugh.” C: “K regularly teaches me music in the evening, encourages me to push hard when climbing, and deliberately makes space when she knows something is on my mind for me to unpack it however long it takes (even if that means very little sleep!)”. J: “Okay… so in the previous relationship I really enjoyed seeing that carefree cheeky grin you got when you knew she was in a happy place! 🙌🏼 good times!” H: “Offering constant advice and emotional support.” G: “I’ve never been in anything I’d describe as ‘serious’. I’ve had maybe ‘summer flings’ but that’s it really 😅.” M: “Just being there is what is nice. Like having your best friend available.” Y: “He listens to me/ He does funny silly things to make me happy”. R: “Regular things that made me happy. If you have a really bad day and need to vent/bitch, then we have a competition to see who has had the most annoying person in their life that day or week or whatever. It’s like a mutual bitching session that usually just ends in laughter. Doesn’t work if it’s the person in the relationship though. But also, really affirming if it’s the same person that you are both angry at.” B: “Spending time together”. A: “what used to make me happy regularly in some relationships was having coffee together in the morning before work :)” G: “Checks up on me! It’s so nice knowing that someone wants to just hear about the little things in your day, no matter how small… especially in the case of lockdown when we’re having to go from seeing each other every day to not seeing each other at all for months. Communication is 🔑”. L: “Shows me reassurance. Is cheerfulness in the face of adversity (happy no matter how bad things are). Being there for me when I need it most, but also letting me be dependent as I’m a very dependent person and loves my own space and company as much as I like spending it with other people too.” B: “My past boyfriend used to randomly buy me flowers. There was no reason, he used to just say ‘I bought them cause I love you and I miss you’ to me it was the little things not the fact he bought me flowers it was his reasons behind it.” V: “Lots and lots of cuddles! And almost always letting me pick which movie to watch, even through its probably a cheesy chick flick/romcom.” N: “Every time they make a suggestion that shows they’ve been thinking of me. Whether it’s something we can do together or something that I might enjoy alone. My partner does this very regularly and it really makes me feel valued.” C: “M kisses me goodbye every morning as he leaves work earlier than me when I am still in bed.”

Question 2: What is one outstanding thing they have done on a one-off basis that made you happy?

A: “A surprise romantic weekend away.” K: “Our wedding day, as J isn’t a social person, doesn’t dance, doesn’t like speaking in front of people and hates photos and he put all that aside for one amazing day 🙂.” J: “She has planned to make loads of nice meals and bake nice things this week because I’ve got work all the time and she has quite a lot of free time.” T: “Hmm outstanding is hard because we do fewer surprises etc now we’re more comfortable. We’re a bit more predictable. Our dates were outstanding, I loved the surprise of being driven to somewhere new with a lovely view and getting to know each other, they were perfect. Being taken out for lunch and the feeling of freedom going wherever we wanted because a never really did that — by the time I could drive I was an university and didn’t explore enough. So dating was outstanding, there seemed so many opportunities for fun and it was pretty perfect. Neither of us are very show offy and neither do we buy into doing amazing gestures of love just to prove to Instagram that we did it. We prefer low-key. The fact that he shows up every day willing to love me shows me he cares. I thought he was outstanding the other week when I was feeling a little off sorts for some reason & he asked if i wanted a hug & i said no thanks I’m good & he gave me one anyway because he said something must be wrong if I turned a hug down. And I thought bloody hell that was some good boyfriend points. This is a tough question for us. Cos, I think another person’s definition of outstanding I think is lame. I don’t need petals on the bed, I just wanna go’ for lunch and spend time together.” H: “I don’t really like big surprises or big shows of affection or anything tbh, to me the best one off thing is when I’ve been having a terrible week and I go over to theirs’s and they’ve organised a takeaway, a bottle of beer, and we just snuggle up on the sofa and watch shit telly together.” A: “No one thing comes to mind many great memories”. C: “Bought me an elephant hot water bottle when it was really cold in our flat 🐘.” J: “When she drew an amazing picture of my old dog Jesse from a favourite picture of him! Cracking drawing 👌.” H: “They took care of necessary tasks that I was not able due to an emergency and protected me from fall out damage, which this emergency would have otherwise caused.” G: “I mean there’s probably a few I can think of; I’ve had my ear nibbled on before which I thought as first was weird but turns out felt very nice. Or a back rub, I’d never say no to a back rub 😁”. M: “Coming home to a bath run or something like that was nice. Never had time or given interest when I was younger. The only proper relationship has been L really.” Y: “I can’t remember our anniversaries, but he is always good at it and will prepare a special gift that I do not like at all (pen, small searchlight…).” R: “The second question is also easy. I do not recall a time where somebody has done something truly outstanding for me. The only serious relationship I’ve had was with somebody who was more closed off. I tend to share my feelings/show my feeling with gestures. So, I’m more likely the person to do the things. Maybe I’m just hard to impress lol.” B : “Make some personal arrangement (like bought a gift that I like, book a restaurant that I enjoy, maybe good sex but C and I haven’t tried this one out yet)”. A: “I refer to my best friend … she gave me a lot of support when friends of mine have died …” G: “Sent me a memory box for us to store all of our cinema tickets, receipts for things we’ve done together, photos of happy memories etc. Such a sweet idea and I like to hold onto memories together for lonely times like this!! Made me happy ☺️✌🏼”. L: “Dropped everything they were doing to make sure I was okay.” B: “It was for my birthday, he planned a trip to Paris and got all my friends and family involved they all knew except me 😂 he planned little dates on the trip and took me to Disneyland that made me happy cause he asked me in the beginning of our relationship the one place I’d love to go and I said Paris as I had never been their, I didn’t think he’d remember things like that, so that made me happy.” V: “I’ve literally been thinking on this one all day and I cannot remember a single thing that he did like that. Not an ex but a FWB came to my house with movies and munchies after my surgery to make sure I was okay (he was a really nice one and really looked after me when I was stressed, annoyed, in a bad mood etc).” N: “Noticed when I was a bit depressed, suggested I start singing in the shower. Gives me a little boost every morning. Was a particularly fine suggestion.” C: “He asked my dad if he could propose to me :)”

Question 3: What does love mean to you?

A: “Someone you can depend on to support you and help you reach you aspirations. Someone you can trust and know they won’t judge you.” K: “Not wanting to ever be with anyone else and putting the others feelings before your own. But also, a bit of the answers to question 4.” J: “Someone that you could be happy to be around and who makes you laugh every day without having to try.” T: “Love is communication: On many levels. Sexually/intimacy, an agreement of certain values and accepted behaviours. And excellent communication and expression of feelings. I think love needs emotional intelligence and communication to flourish. Without communication you could be banging your head against a brick wall & it may as well be a one-night stand. Love means understanding the other person because they’ve let you in via communication — it is understanding them and still wanting them with all their awesomeness and all their flaws too. And it is respecting that communication, too. They communicate with you sexually, ideologically and emotionally because they choose you. And I think that level of communication is a privilege.” H: “I don’t believe in the whole ‘love completes me’ drama, I think love is being there for someone when they are at their worst and not flinching. It’s looking at someone’s flaws and all and thinking this is the one person I couldn’t be without. They don’t want to change you, but they end up making you a better person.” A: “Love means a strong enduring partnership. It’s also gentle and supportive no matter what.” C: “I think love is a choice to put the other person first. It is deciding that someone else is so important that making sure their needs are met takes priority over your own needs being met. Where your goal in life is to support them and help them flourish in their dreams.” J: “I guess I see love as a home in a sense… that connection you know you can always just go back and fully relax and ground yourself around, whether it’s daily or a lengthier spell. Just knowing you have that connection there when you need it is love I guess! 🙌🏼 .” H: “Support, loyalty and compassion.” G: “I mean I could go with I don’t really know because I have no idea if I’ve found it yet. Well considering I’ve not been any significantly long relationship I’d so probably not. I mean I love cats and dogs? Does that count? 😂 but back to question 3: id say when 2 people enjoy spending time together, know each other’s like and dislikes, what makes them happy and how to comfort each other when they need it. When they know or are willing to learn how to please/pleasure each other. And ofc knowing how to make a good sandwich 😁.” M: “Love to me: just that feeling where you feel you can put your trust into someone. Like they are your wife/husband for life. To me love is built over time. You can like someone then grow to love them over time when they become part of your life.” Y: “Love for me means companionship and care”. R: “There are different kinds of love. I say I love my family, but that’s like a sense of duty and doesn’t actually evoke and feelings. I don’t miss them when they are not around, and I don’t spend much time considering them or what they are doing. Obviously, I like them, and we get on, but I don’t really want to spend time with them 🤣. Falling in love is crazy, it’s basically you reveal incrementally more about yourself, in return for information on the other person. It’s like you are both navigating a maze where a wrong turn can set you back or cancel the game. But if you get it right then…. I’m not sure…. it’s just right. It’s like an addiction that you want more of. Being in love is actually quite boring. It’s just spending time or being connected with somebody pretty much 24/7 (because of phones). It should be somebody who enables you to launch and do whatever you want knowing that if you fail you have like a high point to fall back on. And if you succeed then that safe place/high point just moves up too. That’s what I think it should be but I’m not sure how often that happens. Ultimately, it’s a transaction just like a friendship but with much more emotionally on the line. You are both gettin gratification/support/entertainment/sexual rewards for being together and it’s a super strong bond. Which is why betrayal or finding out one person is more into it than the other can be so devastating and ruin the trust you need.” B: “Love is something to enlighten life, just like seasoning. You can live without it, but it would feel bland and awful to go through the day”. A: “Love is very deep connection and a lot of understanding (relationship and friendship).” G: “Tricky question 🤣 to me any happiness I have I want to constantly share it with my partner, so I guess it means wanting to give him all the happiness in the world that I possibly can! I also want to know everything about him, the little things, the achievements, how his day is going etc etc — it’s an interest in someone that you never get bored of 🤷🏻‍♀️”. L: “Love to me means, happiness! When I feel really happy around someone and I can feel there happiness too. For me, it’s very difficult because I’m very independent and I dont ever know if I’ve felt what I would like in my head. I love someone who is completely natural in themselves and around other people. I’m a very comforting person and it’s always been my struggle getting to know girls because I’m so relaxed and people can feel really comfortable around me when all I really want is friendship and happiness rather than a loving personal relationship.” B: “Love means a variety of things to me but it’s mainly being able to see a future with that person, him being the person I think of when I close my eyes at night and the first thing in the morning. Love to me is no matter how hard your relationship gets you don’t give up or turn to something else you TALK you communicate lay everything out on the table it’s also taking risks with that person and knowing that sometimes you’re going to get hurt but if you’re strong enough and love them truly you can get over those hurdles. Love isn’t easy it’s hard but if you both love each other it’s worth it. ” V: “Having someone who is there through thick and thin, who you can completely be yourself with and they accept all of it and the flaws too. Someone that supports you in any way they can, and doesn’t diminish any challenges you want to take or anything you want to achieve (but this is 100% mutual).” N: “Valuing someone else’s happiness and well being above your own.” C: “Love to me means you can talk about anything to the other person and feel that you aren’t going to be judged for saying whatever it is.”

Question 4: What do you look for in a relationship?

A: “Someone level-headed and down to earth, who’s settled and what’s to achieve similar goals in life.” K: “Feeling comfortable with them, that I can tell them anything, that we share everything- happiest and pain, and most of all trust!” J: “I’m not really sure about the last one, I wasn’t really looking for a relationship when we met but she made me want to be in one.” T: “I look for someone who excites you, who is able to challenge you, support you, and who cares enough about you to help you improve and be the best version of yourself. I look for someone who encourages you to be happier, healthier, more confident and grow up smiling. Because we are still growing up all the time. Someone to help shape you into the grown-up you want to be. So, you need some similarities but also enough differences to make you think twice and really consider. I look for someone who is emotionally eloquent, who is loyal, who wants to spend time together, who wants the same future with me and who is easy to be in a relationship with. Your relationship should be mostly easy I think — it should be your happy place and your partner should enhance everything you do. Obviously, there will be some arguments or whatever because of the amount of time spent together, but it should be mostly easy. I look for a relationship where you work as a team… against other people, the world, your problems.” H: “Acceptance. Tbh the most important part of a relationship is taking every part of who you are and just accepting it, warts and all.” A: “Someone with similar taste and similar morals and ethics that makes me laugh.” C: “I am so lucky that in my marriage that we are both seeking after the same things in life, even if the outworking’s of that sometimes looks different, we have shared passions, able to encourage each other in those, but also try and make our relationship a safe place where we can gently challenge each other without being afraid of being rejected.” J: “ A partner in crime! Your strongest connection to the point where you want that person to do what they want and when they want! But at the same time, knowing that if you’re in urgent need of their comfort, they would drop everything and anyone to be there. And vice versa!” H: “Support, loyalty and compassion.” M “Here is how my brain works lol. It jumps to my end goal in life. And clicks back step by step analysing. Could i see her as my wife. Would she be a good mum if they wanted kids? Would she stick by my side in tough times? What do people think of her and her family? (I like everyone getting along and happy. Hear some drama stories of people families not getting along etc.).” Y: “ I do not know this to be honest. A balance? He should be better than me in most aspects”. R: “I’m not sure I’ve ever looked for a relationship. I know what kind of person I want to be with, but not how it would pan out or what it would be like. I also HATE social media and it seems like to get a gf you need to have an online presence, because it’s a safer way to interact. Not in the literal sense, just that there is much less social anxiety and embarrassment when it’s on your phone than in person. So, as a result I’ve genuinely not thought about what I expect from a relationship, I’m just waiting to bump into somebody.” B: “A companion who can get though the tough time in life together”. A: “Understanding, maturity and still a lot of fun”. G: “Someone who will make me laugh, Someone I can trust with my life. Mutual kindness and acts of giving! Can’t all be one way, Someone I can be completely myself and comfortable around 😁. Someone who has similar interests to me but also different ones that I can discover 🧐” L: “I look for someone who is REAL, real to themselves and real to me. Someone who is honest and trusting and can let me be my independent self but also someone who I can feel a real connection with, someone who can share my laughter and interests. I have a real adventurous spirit and I would love to find someone with similar spirit and thrive that I have…” B: “I look for honesty mainly. My past relationships a lot of guys aren’t honest with me which then affects me in future relationships. If you can’t have trust in a relationship then it will never work. Communication is key you have to talk to each other even if you find the topic uncomfortable the more you talk the more easy it gets but also you want a guy who is comfortable with talking about the deep topics that person should be the first person you come to even if they’re not good with words just to hug you and let you know things will be ok. And also I love to laugh I look for a guy who can make me laugh no matter what mood I’m in and not take life too seriously. A guy who’s not afraid of a little adventure that’s always something I look for too.” V: “I want it to be something where both talk about the big things and the little things, look after and support each other, being able to chill out with each other and be comfortable in every way with them.” N: “An equal partner, someone whose support I can count on who compliments my weaknesses and vice versa. Mutual interests definitely help too.” C: “ I look for support in a relationship :)”

My Answers

At the end of this article I shall share my interpretations un-anonymously to all of my friends that have opened up to me and answered my questions. I actually found it very hard to form a consistent answer, as I had ideas coming in all directions, and I could answer the questions very differently but here are the answers I came to:

Question 1:

I think on a regular basis it’s the little things that show they care, that they know and understand you. For example, the simple act of making a cup of tea in the morning or recognising when I’m sad and need a hug. It’s about being there no matter what and sharing happy times together. In one of my previous relationships, my boyfriend used to write “I love you” and other messages on the shower or mirror, which I only noticed when I turned on the shower and It made me feel loved even when they weren’t there.

Question 2:

There’s a few very romantic or meaningful gestures I’ve received in previous relationships. The one that stands out the most was when I was in a long-distance relationship. I went to work knowing that they’d have travelled back home by the time I returned. But instead, after a long day of working outside in the harsh winter, I came home to a note on the door with arrows leading to the bath which was surrounded by lit candles. My boyfriend at the time was in the kitchen making one of my favourite dinners too. The emotions I felt still are still here years later even though I’ve moved on from the relationship. In a different relationship it’s been about someone being there when you really need them. I’ve had someone read me a story to fall asleep to when I was struggling, and such a selfless caring act made me feel immensely loved.

Question 3:

There are many different kinds of love, and I’ve definitely loved people in many different ways. You can love someone out of choice and put in the effort, but you can also fall totally in love with someone. When you fall in love you can feel the stimulation of dopamine receptors, it’s exciting and you want to get to know them better- but this level of stimulation is short-lived, and I’m not sure if it is true love or just infatuation. In a relationship sense it is about letting someone into your heart, not wanting to be with anyone else, genuinely wanting the best for them, and having a connection that isn’t easily broken. But no matter which type of love it is, it is about deeply caring and having an interest for someone, loving and accepting them for who they are.

Question 4:

I often find myself in a relationship when I’m not looking. So, I don’t seek anything in particular. I could list relationship ideals, but ultimately, it all depends on the person you are with; they will bring so many different, often unexpected and unforeseeable things into a relationship, that a list really does seem arbitrary. You know in your heart if it feels right, and if you and you make each other happy, that’s all that really matters.

Conclusion and Acknowledgements

Thank you to everyone who was read and answered the questions. I hope you learned something- I definitely did. The way in which people love and interpret love is so vastly different, and I think I will definitely consider that in the future. And recognising what makes other people happy is definitely someone you can incorporate into all of your relationships, be them friendly, with family or romantic. For anyone who wants to answer the questions please do so and share in the comments or PM me and I’ll add it anonymously to this article. If names were included in answers they have been changed to initials, and answers were very minorly edited for misspellings and grammar.