From Control to Faith
By: Victoria X Rose
Tags: Artist, Creativity, Music, Spiritual Growth, Mindfulness

There’s a reason they call it rock bottom. It is hard, cold, sharp and slippery. Yet there is a real magic about hitting it. Not immediately. The initial fall just SUCKS. The shame spiral, desperation, confusion… cursing at the universe for leading you there. Yet like many of us, rock bottom was the beginning of my rising.

I have always thought people were remarkable. Feelings are so complex and never exactly the same for two people. Feelings have colors and shapes and intentions. I’ve always loved exploring this in people. Thing is, I rarely explored this in myself. I even dived into other people’s emotions to keep me distracted from exploring my own. I did almost everything imaginable to numb myself. Numbing worked for a very long time, in fact it helped me to take risks in my life and career that without it I may have talked myself out of ever doing.

THE START OF THE UNDOING

I had moved to New York City, fresh out of college with a months worth of rent money in my bank account. I was ready to fight to make my dreams come true. I had an internship and two jobs, lived in an apartment where I had to share a bed with my roommate, constantly kill cockroaches and strategically avoid the streets I knew I would get harassed. This was the TIME OF MY FRIGGIN’ LIFE! I loved it all. I didn’t care about any of the hardships that came with being broke in New York City because… I lived in NEW YORK CITY!! Nothing was better than that to me. The distractions of NYC were fueling my deep rooted habit of ignoring myself and I loved it.

Then, out of nowhere, my body finally fought back after all of the suppression I gave it. It came for me and it came for me hard. The first instance of this I was alone in the subway station. Suddenly I began to see black spots and everything around me started to spin. My body went numb as the train rushed into the station. I thought whatever was happening would pass, I just needed to get on the subway and suck it up. As soon as I stepped into the subway car and the doors closed behind me, I blacked out.

These panic attacks continued to happen, making me feel completely out of control. I would tell my doctor “You don’t understand, I can name 1,000 times I’ve been more stressed than I am right now so it can’t be a panic attack!” I quickly learned this was not necessarily how panic attacks worked. My body had finally had enough and was forcing me to pay attention.

For years, while my life and career in the music industry grew better and better, my health grew worse and worse. I couldn’t sleep. I was constantly nauseous. I was in a world of pain and pumped with medication. My brain fog was so bad that I had to plan for meetings days in advance by writing exactly what I would say because I couldn’t trust myself in the moment. My doctor diagnosed me with a laundry list of physical health problems, but one in particular caught my attention. I had an autoimmune disease called Hashimotos; my body was literally attacking itself. I started to wonder what I had done so wrong to get my body to act like this.

Another big moment I had with my health was a diagnosis I did not see coming. I was told I had an eating disorder. My first thought (and I’m sure yours) was, how could I not know I had an eating disorder? Well, after a whole lot of self reflection (and many fights with my denial) I realized how badly I had manipulated myself. I lead myself to believe what I was doing to myself was happening for reasons that had nothing to do with the big ED word that I refused to face. I was protecting my eating disorder over my own wellbeing and lying to MYSELF. This realization was painful. The only person I had ever really trusted in my life was myself and now I couldn’t even count on that. I kept thinking, if I’m lying to myself about this, what other secrets do I have? Where do I even store these secrets if I know.. but I don’t know?” it was confusing as hell.

My body was giving out on me and my mind was lying to me. In a lifelong effort to control, the truth was I had no control.

In a moment of desperation, I locked myself in my bedroom and after a lot of crying and a few valuables thrown at my wall I picked up a book my best friend told me to read years prior called The Four Agreements. I read it all the way through, and my life was forever changed. This was my ultimate ah-ha moment that gave me a deeper understanding to the world around me. I learned how my mind had been trained to believe things that didn’t have to be true. That my life was all about perspective and that I had complete control over all of the problems I had in my life.

I began to study the brain, happiness, yoga, meditation, the gut (our second brain!), healing foods, reki, spirituality, the ego, creativity, Kundalini, Metaphysical texts such as A Course In Miracles, and the list goes on. I was determined to heal myself.

While it is a constant journey, I finally have the tools and resources to keep myself healthy and happy. My labs, personal life, creativity and career have never been better. I am in direct alignment with my purpose. My emotions are much more pure, I am able to tap into the depths of my emotions for my art, yet I am not controlled by them in my everyday life. I am no longer a slave to my triggers and can better understand my own energy. THIS is where creativity comes from.

WHY THIS IS IMPORTANT

I am telling this story that I never thought I would tell because during my experience and deep studying I would look around at all of my artist friends and clients and watch as they unknowingly manipulated their lives. As creatives, we have very specific limiting beliefs that keep us from creating and living to our highest potential. Beliefs that almost always root in the idea that you need to be miserable to be creative. How many times have you heard an artist joke, “no good songs come from being happy!” or the idea of the “starving artist”?

We are addicted to pain and hardship because we think this is what we need to live a creative life and we don’t even know it. We trick ourselves, our mind and those around us. This often turns into things such as addictions, repeating painful relationships, physical illness etc. like it did for me.

The universe will always throw you plenty of hardships, challenges, and pain without you manipulating your life to bringing more of that on yourself! Anything on top of the universe’s obstacles for you to overcome in your life is unhealthy and unnecessary… and after doing the work it is easy to tell the difference.

Yes, pain is a great inspiration for art! But understanding that pain, diving into it, tearing it apart, analyzing it, is best for art. Be the detective of your emotions and let them flow through you purely without manipulation. After that, you will be able to heal and let it go. You will see the big picture. This is a fool proof formula for your best art and your best life.

My life’s mission is to help creatives understand they do not need to be miserable to be creative. It is to help them through their limiting beliefs and into peak creativity and overall wellbeing. The universe has conspired to get me to this point. Every moment has lead up to finding my healing path and teaching it to others.

To learn more go to the Creative Wellness page on my website here.