A Very Stark Christmas • Chapter 9
By: Mark Starlin
Tags: Mystery, Humor, A Very Stark Christmas, Ps5, Christmas

As we pulled away from the ski resort, I turned to Danny Bonaduce and said, “Bonaduce, you can quit hugging that pear tree now.”

“What do you mean? And you know you’re supposed to call me by my full name.”

“Listen to the lyrics of the song. A partridge in a pear tree, not a Partridge holding a pear tree, or a Partridge sitting next to a sad little Charlie Brown pear tree. So while you were rounding up the gang, I painted the name A Pear Tree on the bus. Now you’re a Partridge in A Pear Tree. That should work for whatever crazy kind of game this is. And I am not using your full name because it was the only way to keep this running gag alive.

Just then, we heard a thump.

“Oh no,” Carl said.

We stopped the bus and went outside. Next to the road were a pair of feet sticking out of a snowdrift. I grabbed the legs and pulled. It was Kimberley, the missing milkmaid.

“Is she dead?” Carl asked.

“No,” I replied. “You just knocked the wind out of her. Let’s get her on the bus.

Once Kimberly caught her breath, I grilled her for clues.

“Are right, Missy, it’s time to spill the beans. Why did you run?”

“A week ago, I heard a knock on my door. I opened it, and there stood a muscular old man with an Austrian accent. He said, “I know you got the last PlayStation 5 from Amazon. It was supposed to be mine. Hand it over.”

“It’s not here yet,” I replied.

“Don’t you have Prime?” He asked.

“No.”

“How do you watch The Expanse?”

“What?”

“Never mind. I’ll be back.”

“Today, I got a phone call. It was the same accent saying, ‘I’m coming for that PS5. Have it ready or else.’ I panicked. I hid the PS5 in the bucket and ran.”

“I know they are hard to get, but why would someone go to all that trouble over a video game console? And surely Schwarzenmuscles has the cash and connection to get one. Rich people don’t play by the same rules as the rest of us.”

“When I got the PS5, I noticed that it was a special bundle version with a game called War On Christmas. I immediately did a dark web search on Facebook and discovered that there are only two copies of the game. One that steals Christmas, and one that saves Christmas. I am pretty sure I got the save Christmas version.”

“You haven’t tried it?”

“No. I got the call seconds after the PS5 arrived.”

“Alright, We need a find a hotel room with a 4k TV set capable of displaying the full graphics quality and high frame rate of the PS5 and see what this game is all about. Love Knuckles, hop on your blower and find us a room.”

“People call them phones now, Einstein.” [Ten seconds later.] There is a Sleepy Traveler Inn four miles straight ahead.”

Sweetcheeks booked us a room, and soon we all were squeezing into the double queen with free HBO. Kimberly hooked up the PS5 and inserted the game Blu-ray. A few seconds later, the game was ready to play.

“Can you believe how fast that game loaded,” Danny Bonaduce said.

Nearly everyone was impressed and made it know that it was a remarkable achievement.

“Just start the game, Milky,” I snapped.

She did. A setup screen popped up.

Please select a character.

To everyone’s amazement, the character choices were us. Well, Danny Bonaduce, me, Kimberley, Helen, and Carl. And Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“No wonder Biceps wanted this PS5 so bad. He wants to be the hero and save Christmas,” I said. “Ain’t gonna happen. Choose me.”

Please select a vehicle.

The choices were a tank, a donkey pulling a cart, Santa’s sleigh and reindeer, and the Partridge family school bus with the name A Pear Tree painted on the side.

“Wow, this game is good,” Danny Bonaduce said.

“The choice is obvious. Select the bus, and let’s keep going.” I said.

A cut scene began playing, showing the evil Anti-Claus giving a rousing speech to his minions.

“I knew it!” Helen shouted.

Soon, the minions were out on the streets stealing Christmas.

Agent Stark, your mission is to gather all the characters in the Twelve Days Of Christmas and rendezvous with “Big Red” at Macy’s in New York.

“I knew it!” Helen shouted.

“Keep it down, Doll Face. I’m trying to plan my next move.”

“Isn’t it obvious? We go to Macy’s in New York.”

“The only obvious thing is, you’ve never played video games. If we head straight to Macy’s, we are gonna get hit by several waves of enemies trying to stop us. And a few bosses. Plus, we gotta get the other members of our 12 Days team. I know where we can find twelve drummers drumming.”

“Where?” Helen asked.

“The drum circles in the parks in San Francisco.”

“San Francisco? That’s too far in a bus. And this ain’t the 1960s anymore,” Carl said.

“They don’t know that,” I replied.

“What about the New York subway? There are always buskers down there.” Carl said.

“Worth a shot,” I replied. “But get off the highway. Evil Claus will be expecting that.”

Now we had a plan.