How to like your family
By: Shain Slepian
Tags: Health, Divorce, Holidays, Christmas, Family

How to like your family

Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

I’m sure I’m not alone when I say that not being the subject of childhood abuse, neglect, or abandonment is not a shoo-in for perfect relationships with family. Even loving the individual members of your family and worrying about their well-being does not mean that you will enjoy their company all the time.

I’ve learned a little something about bad blood in the family. And now that we’re in the midst of the holiday season, my lessons are being put to the test yet again.

So as a refresher course for me, and maybe a source of good advice for you, here are some of the tips I’ve learned that will (hopefully) see us all though to the new year unscathed.

Don’t take on responsibilities out of guilt, or ‘duty’

Just because you have a skill or an interest that your family can get use out of, that doesn’t mean you are obligated to make that skill available to them at all times. Doing nice things for you family members can be a nice way to build your bond and show your affection.

But if it’s not coming from a place of love, and you’re grinding your teeth the whole time and building up resentment, it’s best for you and your family to draw a line.

Don’t laugh at jokes that you don’t find funny

I’m not talking about bad parent jokes or dumb sibling shenanigans. You are obligated to laugh at those.

But if everyone is laughing at your speech impediment when you were in the middle of trying to vocalize a sincere point, you do not have to plaster on a fake smile pretend you had simply forgotten what you were saying.

This is your holiday season too, and if they’re enjoying it by making your holiday miserable, then you may need to consider enjoying your holidays elsewhere next year. And yes, that is a valid threat.

Don’t bring up politics, but don’t shy away from it either

Don’t get me wrong, this is probably not the best venue for knowingly bringing up controversial takes.

Everything is political: for instance, if your family begins laying into the BLM movement, in a manner tinged with racism, you have a right to feel offended for your friend or partner that might be threatened by these views.

You wouldn’t let them insult or threaten you, would you? Why should you put up with threats to people you love?

If you or your family is in a high-risk category: STAY HOME

I had a bit of a breakdown a few weeks ago, just before Thanksgiving. I had planned to spend my holiday with my dad and his wife, while my brother I planned on having a belated celebration with my mom on Thursday.

A couple days before, my step mother’s mother (who I adore) came up from Florida unexpectedly to spend the holiday. Unfortunately, they were unable to get a COVID test before Thanksgiving.

I live with my mother, who is in a high-risk category herself. As much as I wanted to see my dad, step mom, and step grandma, I felt that I had no choice but to call it off.

When I told my dad about my decision over the phone, he got very quiet. He isn’t one to cry at disappointment or complain about being wronged.

But that moment over the phone where he didn’t speak was so much worse than I imagined it could be. I spent the rest of the day on the verge of tears. I felt like I had made everyone’s lives worse for no tangible benefit.

As it happened, by poor brother came down with a nasty bug that Thursday: he sent me a photo of his Thanksgiving meal consisting of hot tea, orange juice and a few throat lozenges.

So, it was me and mom. She cancelled her own plans to spend the holiday with little old me. She had disappointed someone else to make my Thanksgiving a little bit more special.

She cooked up a delicious feast and we watched It’s A Wonderful Life, as you do.

And then, a few weeks later, I enjoyed a Hanukah celebration with my dad. It was nice. Really nice. If he or my step mom were still upset about Thanksgiving, it didn’t show. I had gotten through the guilt and now I was allowed to enjoy myself.

If you feel like going to your family for Christmas or New Years will put you or your loved ones at risk, please, please, please, remember that you have to stay home for their sake. Whether it’s they, you, or a third party that is at risk, no one should be contracting this virus over the holidays. If your family loves you, they won’t want you do something you feel uncomfortable with.

There’s always next year.