It’s Okay to be Sad This Holiday Season
By: Kara Summers
Tags: Abuse, Women, Love, Breakups, Christmas

It’s Okay to be Sad This Holiday Season

Sending love to anyone feeling pain

Photo by S&B Vonlanthen on Unsplash

I started writing a few articles about Christmas and then abandoned them again. I desperately wanted to write something positive, focus on the good things that have come out of my experiences this year. I struggled, not because there aren’t any good things that have happened, but because I have been feeling so down and sad this Christmas. And as I was racking my brains for a story to write, I realised I am not alone.

This year many countries are under strict lockdown rules and many cannot see their families and friends. Like myself, many others that have been in abusive relationships or are still in them might especially feel the pain during this season that should be about love.

Some might have to spend time with their abusive ex: “For the children”, or have to let their kids spend time away. Others might feel the pain of not knowing if or when they can hold their loved ones again. Whatever the reasons you are feeling sad this Christmas, it’s OK.

Last Christmas I had no idea

Last Christmas I spent Christmas Day with my ex-husband and kids. Like every year I had been buying presents for everyone in the family including myself. Like every year it was a nice day for the children. Then my ex took the kids on a plane to see his and my family. I didn’t go with them, I wanted to spend time with my new partner.

On Boxing Day, for the first time in my adult life, I celebrated a Christmas “for me”. It was the first time I’d ever received a thoughtful gift from a romantic partner, and it felt amazing.

He gave me a Pandora bracelet with a heart charm, something we had spoken about. “This is only small to start with, but it will get bigger over time. From now on, every time we go on holiday or create a special memory, I will get you another charm until you need another bracelet.” Then I gave him my present, I had made a little puzzle for him to find out what it was. We laughed so much that it hurt when he tried to solve it. I will never forget how happy he seemed when he found out that I had booked tickets to see our favourite music composers in concert.

We spent the rest of the day in bed, hugging and kissing, making love and chatting about our future. What would we do next year? Would we manage to spend Christmas with our “new family” and all of our children? Would I be pregnant by then? It was exciting to wonder, but really it didn’t matter because we knew whatever the situation would be, we would be together.

I would never have to spend Christmas alone or unappreciated again, I had a lifetime of happy Christmasses like this one ahead. After so many years I had finally found my soulmate, my one true love and the only person in the world who truly loved me, it was the best feeling ever.

This Christmas I am so much wiser

This Christmas I spent Christmas Day with my ex-husband and the kids. Just like every year, I bought presents for everyone including myself. I had to save money, so I resorted to things I need: Bra’s, underwear and new wellies.

I haven’t seen my family for half a year and I have no idea when I will be able to visit them again. The Pandora bracelet is in my jewellery cabinet with that single charm on it. It’s giver spent Christmas with his “other family”, the one that doesn’t even know I exist. He hasn’t said a single nice thing to me or about me, since the discard six months ago. I know now that all memories I still hold of him were never real. I know he never genuinely cared or loved me, it was all just an act. At the flick of a switch, our 1 1/2 year relationship was wiped, every memory or reminder that I exist is now an inconvenience. All that he cares about is that no one finds out about the double-lifes he’s been leading.

This Christmas I was back at the family home, the home I left what now feels like a lifetime ago. The home I once chose and spent years decorating, re-decorating, and furnishing, to make it a cozy place to live. Not much has changed, except for the added piles of clutter in every corner. What was once my walk in wardrobe now seems to be storage space for anything that was once pulled out of a cupboard. The new carpet is already covered in stains, the kids bed that once resembled a castle with slide has become another storage unit while they sleep on the sofa in the living room. It is not my house anymore, I am only a guest, because I chose to leave. For a brief period of my life, I thought I deserved better.

Everyone deserves better

Deep down I still believe that I deserve better, but the road to getting there has become so much longer than I ever expected. Like myself, many of my friends struggle this Christmas. The abuse forums and support groups I am in still fill with messages and horrendous stories every day. Unfortunatly abusers do not stop for the holiday season. Pain can’t be taken away by Santa.

This is why I want to send my love to everyone who is hurting. You might feel lonely, but you are not alone. You deserve better, and better times will come, I know it. It’s okay to feel sad this Christmas, it’s okayto hurt. May next year will be a lot brighter.