How Childhood Trauma Can Set You Up to Be a Magnet for Narcissists
By: Rev. Sheri Heller
Tags: Trauma, Mental Health, Psychology, Narcissism, Child Abuse

Like many of the traumatized men and women I treat for narcissistic abuse syndrome, I too was a magnet for malignant narcissists. Throughout much of my life, the plight of brutal circumstances as a child raised by abusers set me up for subsequent victimization. The developmental disasters I incurred impeded the cultivation of interpersonal discrimination and discernment. Chronic neglect and mistreatment left me starving for loving connection and intimacy. Intimacy that I lacked the life skills and acumen to satisfy.

Unlike children who are raised in a climate of safety and love, abused children can develop a paradoxical attachment disorder known as disinhibited social engagement disorder (DSED). Essentially, when a necessary primary secure attachment to one’s parents has been denied, the child willingly and fearlessly turns to strangers for comfort. Many folks misinterpret these signs of DSED as a form of guileless trust when in actuality it is indicative of ruptured bonds with one’s primary caregivers.

Indeed, as a child beset by traumatic loneliness I carelessly engaged with anyone who was willing. As is reflective of children with DSED, I lacked instinctual fear and self-protective guardedness. Predisposed to be indiscriminately friendly and responsive to seductive overtures put me at risk.

Clearly lacking appropriate social boundaries and being driven by reckless desperation is inherently unsafe. Driven by the need to attach children with DSED may accept a ride from an unfamiliar person or enter the home of a stranger. Self-protective instincts are overruled by the need to attach. In fact, many of the folks I treat for complex trauma report repeatedly putting themselves in harm's way with others who were glaringly unsafe. They either lacked the capacity to discern danger or they simply didn’t care.

As the work of British psychoanalyst John Bowlby established, the capacity for adult intimacy and love is largely predicated on the emotional bonds prevalent within the child-parent relationship. Accordingly, when the relationally traumatized child enters adulthood, difficulties with intimacy morph into relationships characterized by power-submissive dynamics, or what Dr. Patrick Carnes refers to as trauma bonds.

Since differentiating predation from trustworthiness eludes the victim of relational trauma and is exacerbated by an insatiable craving for love which they don’t feel worthy of, subjugation is inevitable.

Photo by Artem Labunsky on Unsplash

As to be expected a reliable sense of independence within connection was not available to me. Afflicted by unmet needs for love, affection and security I deferred, yielded and fawned in pursuit of morsels of kindness. Dynamics with parental narcissism trained me to abdicate personal preferences and any sense of agency. Servitude was deeply imprinted in my psyche. I was groomed to be supply.

Supply is a term coined in 1938 by psychoanalyst Otto Fenichel. It is descriptive of the narcissistic objectification of a designated target. The insatiable needs of the narcissist demand uncompromising compliance and worship. Often referred to as energy vampires, the malignant narcissist will love bomb, manipulate, lie and abuse to ensure a steadfast, obedient continuous source of supply from primary and peripheral relationships.

Folks who were groomed to accommodate the unquenchable needs of their caregivers, to over-function, to endure abuse and neglect and disown dependency needs, limits and intelligent guardedness, are especially ripe for narcissistic victimization. Although these predispositions are not a decisive measure for who becomes the narcissist’s mark, these traits broadcast that one is a malleable naive source of supply that can be easily seduced and controlled.

Suffice it to say victims of narcissistic abuse who are beset by complex trauma will evidence a greater exacerbation of symptoms and present with a more challenging prognosis and recovery, than those grappling with an isolated acute episode of traumatic abuse. For the complex trauma survivor healing from the aftermath of a degrade and discard with a narcissist is not enough to break the relentless pattern of being repeatedly reduced to a codependent pretzel. Deeper therapeutic work is called for.