Sibling fight-Are you wondering how to step in?
By: Kiran Tevtiya
Tags: Siblings, Parenthood, Children, Motherhood, Siblingrivalry

As a parent it becomes a challenge when suddenly we hear a rise of sharp voices/wail coming from the kids’ room. We find ourselves in a dilemma-

To step in or to keep out (letting it play the natural course of action). Setting expectations early on and drawing a structure around it goes a long way in facilitating a built up of healthy interpersonal relationship between siblings.

First thing that comes here is –

Any physical hurt

Actions or Words thrown to deliberately elicit a response: Making songs with distortion of the another child’s name, stopping the way or snatching something from the hands of the other child.

Actions that show physical power: Running to get the first window seat in the car!!

Logics of tit for tat-He hit me, so I hit him.

Overall our intention is to support the children to ‘Expand their heart’, ‘Expand their mind’.

Mantras that we can use while stepping in:

We keep our hands to ourselves. I would like to know what is going on?

Hitting doesn’t help. Talking does. May I know what is happening?

I am sorry but I can’t allow hitting to be a way to solve the problem. It hurts. May I know what is happening?

Real Play or real fun is when both the children are enjoying it. (turning to the victim)

Did you enjoy being tripped?

No

In that case it was not a play but a bullying act. (Turning to the other child): Did you try to bully him?

Sentences to expanding mind:

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Rishi if Tanya hits you, could you please think of ‘some other way’ to escalate it. If somebody steals from our house…..do we go and steal from that person or we go and report to police? If somebody breaks rule like not wearing helmet, I wouldn’t do the same, isn’t it? Try getting validation from the child.

If you think hitting was wrong, how do we use that as a problem solving way? Tanya, is there some other way you can think of telling Rishi that you don’t like him using your sketchpen?

Respect for space- Everybody has right to decide who can touch them. Tanya you have right to decide who can touch you…similarly Rishi you have right to decide who can touch you. Could we take permission before touching the other person please.

Everybody has right to decide who can touch them. Tanya you have right to decide who can touch you…similarly Rishi you have right to decide who can touch you. Could we take permission before touching the other person please. Hitting only teaches that only the physically strongest survives or becomes a leader. It happens in the animal world but human beings are more intelligent. We use this….brain (aim is to expand their mind).

Empathy and a resolution to ‘walk the talk’:

We keep our hands to our-self. Adult or child. Esp for Adults, as we in a way sound shallow when we expect children to do it and find it difficult when it comes to us. That ways we also understand what is going on in the child’s mind.

Parents can make the children be the watch person. How about the parent being candid enough to children–I have somehow built yelling as a way to handle when I see things don’t work the way I want them to and if nothing works than raising hand to stop you from doing what I think is a physical safety issue. I am not very happy with this and want to change this. Tanya could you please let me know when you notice me yelling or hitting? I promise I would immediately do something about it.

Using social reputation as a tool:

“I will tell your friends how you hit your brother”. Well, we know children become image conscious at certain age. Using that to show that it is her weakness is not a good idea. We could also end up playing too much about –How your friends and what they think about you matters. This could later become bigger body image or other types of social acceptance, peer conformance challenges. We should always play down on what people think about us.

Using fear of leaving as a tool:

“If you guys fight so much I will leave you“. Fear or greed should ideally not be used as a means of discipline. Logical consequences (that are immediate to give and are for short duration)- I can see both of you want to take the same ball down. Now we have one ball and both of you want to play with it. And this is a common ball. I would suggest you guys to discuss amongst yourself and let me know how to fix this sharing problem. The bottom rule is-Both of you should be fine with the solution. Till then I would request you to keep the ball in that basket. Let me know how it goes. And go away doing your chore. When responsibility is given, children often have amazing ideas.

Taking decision on behalf of the child

“Alright, Tanya you play for five minutes and Rishi you take it after that”. This is bound to invade into their sense of territory and create a sense of unfairness. Ideal is when we say-‘Tanya how much time would you take to be done with playing with this toy?”, followed by “Would you let Rishi know once you are done”…..and so on.

In general when a conflict happens between children discuss what happened with each child. Give complete patient hearing without any interventions. Ask questions only to clarify a point and not to judge. If another child interrupts, set the rules-Each child gets his chance. Please

remember your point or write down in a paper and speak when your turn comes. Highlight points that can hurt like –”That was an insensitive comment. This could hurt the sensitivity of the other person. In our family we try to keep each other’s sensitivities in mind. Would you have liked it Rishi if I Tanya would have kept this chair for you? (expand heart)”.

In the end look for ways how it could have been better handled. Let each child share their version. Check with them what would make it easier to handle the next time. Like-

-Seeking permission before taking the other person’s things.

-Giving mental as well as physical space to the other person-Do you think Tanya is comfortable with your action? What do we do to show to her that you understand?

-Be ready for a NO from the other child for things that do not belong to you. Be ready with Plan B, Plan C.

Young children also understand beautifully such action oriented talks. They may not be able to follow it completely in the coming days but slowly they would develop alternative ways to handle dissent. The parents’ trust goes a long way in rubbing confidence in the child- There are better ways to address a conflict. Looking for a win-win situation brings cheers.