6 Lessons from Having a Small Penis
By: Ryan Dejonghe
Tags: Sex, Confidence, Penis Enlargement, Humor, Positive Thinking

Make every day a party for you and your dog with Snausages® dog snacks

Flying all night and then busing into Paris Island, brought me into a place that I was… not familiar with.

Channeling my inner Dorthy from Wizard of Oz, and clicking my heels together three times, and wishing to go home — did not work. I didn’t teleport home. I was stuck there.

Mean men were yelling loudly; overworked barbers quickly sheered my full head of hair; the world was spinning from dehydration and system shock. Did I already mention the picture of me holding a Nintendo controller? Hashtag: stud.

I write and teach about meditation and the loss of ego. Join the Marine Corps. That’ll get you there.

Part of the militaristic tribal initiation includes the shedding of personal identity. First goes your hair, then goes your clothes.

Not even your underwear belongs to you anymore. You are no longer you. You are a product of the United States government. Say goodbye to your Superman briefs, and hello to camo green underwear.

This part of the story brings me to nakedness.

Picture this: standing in a squad bay with a few dozen other dudes from across the East Coast, stripping clothes and throwing them into bags. Then what? You’re all standing there. Naked.

Did I mention the Marines will help you lose your ego? Yup, sure does.

It didn’t take me long to realize I was a Snausage appetizer in the land of main course bratwursts. Some of these meat-swingers could feed an entire Bavarian village.

(Quick note: the whole idea of black penises being the largest on the market is a myth, at least according to this random population study. The white Jewish dude probably suffers from rashes on his kneecaps.)

This brings me to:

Lesson 1 — I don’t have to worry about knee rashes

One day after some field exercises, including sit-ups (picture this: holding down each others’ feet and having a front-row seat to up-and-down crotches, the Warrant Officer called all the male Marines in for a “special meeting.” He proceeded to tell all the guys to wear underwear.

Apparently, via the short silky exercise shorts, the snakes were coming out of the grass, if you get my meaning. I didn’t understand. It wasn’t a problem for me.

I don’t suffer from thigh chafing, knee bruising, or zipper sticking. Hashtag: manageable.

Lesson 2 — I can easily hide a boner

Have you ever seen Full Metal Jacket? You know the line, “drop your cocks, pull up your socks”? Yeah, of course, when the Drill Instructor bangs on the trash can and a platoon of 18-year-old males jump up from bed, you’re going to notice a regiment of horizontal trees.

Guess who never had to do push-ups for accusations of sexually harassing the Drill Instructor? This guy.

Other uses include science class presentations, school dances, and awkward family road trips.

Lesson 3 — It drives the ladies crazy with curiosity

I remember being fascinated by a guy on Reddit that had two dicks. He included pictures. Yes, both of them were bigger than mine.

Here’s the thing: he saw massive action. According to him, and I believe everything on the internet, he had ladies lined up to see what it was like… you know… doing it with him. I’m not sure if double penetration or two at a time.

Anyhow, girls are bored with porn-sized cocks. When they need a bite-sized filler, they know who to call. (Sorry, ladies, I’m off the market.)

Lesson 4 — It requires less maintenance

I can’t imagine the labor required to maintain industrial-sized machinery, especially if the hood is still attached. It would require heavy lifting and holding it steady with one hand while flipping back the overhang in another. You would need another hand to steady the power washer.

No forklifts or reinforcement beams are needed here! Wash. Rinse. Done!

Lesson 5 — Masturbating takes half the time

I’m quite scientific about this. I’ve watched a lot of videos. When there is a football field worth of yardage to cover, it takes several long trips back-and-forth to get the job done. Sometimes, there is so much territory to cover it takes an entire team to finish the work. Think reverse bukkake. (If you don’t know, don’t Google it.)

You Googled it, didn’t you? Sick bastard.

My sessions to climax are quick and easy. Unlike the Whooper, it doesn’t even require two hands. Hashtag: pinch and squeeze.

Lesson 6 — I’ve learned to love myself and be confident in who I am

I’ve had fun writing this, but just like Jerry Springer, it’s time to take a minute for the moral of the story.

Yes, some women may prefer huge, fat cocks. Just like some men prefer gigantic double-Ds slapping them in the face. This isn’t unlike someone having a pizza preference — some people like Hawaiian (weirdo), and some people like meat lovers. It’s a choice, and there’s an audience for both.

My pocket-sized tool has produced two lovely kids and has brought me hours of entertainment (cumulative, mind you).

Life isn’t about the body parts you are born with or the genes that you inherited. If you don’t have the crucial ingredient of loving yourself, you will miss the whole buffet.

When you love yourself wholly, other people will begin to love you, too.

Isn’t that what life is about?