Developing Emotionally
By: Daniel Caruana Smith
Tags: Life Lessons, Emotional Intelligence, Self Improvement, Mental Health, Psychology

Think back to your first relationship. Someone asks you how long you’ve been together. “Three months”, you might answer, and five days you add to yourself.

Once you’re in a long-term relationship, the focus tends to shift more to the years spent together, and after a while, it’s only milestones such as a twentieth or thirtieth anniversary that are worth celebrating.

This isn’t to say that couples become bored of each other over time; if anything the tendency is to grow fonder (in a functioning relationship). So why do we not count the months, weeks, and days as we used to anymore? The answer is quite straightforward; there is more of an emotional change triggered during the initial two weeks than at any other time.

Of course, we do acknowledge milestones whilst in a relationship, but they are, to some degree or other, expected. Many of us will have felt much stronger emotions of excitement, joy, and knotted stomachs on our first date, rather than while maintaining the resulting relationship. The exception to this rule might be a “honeymoon phase”, perhaps just after you move in with your partner, although even in this case, the excitement of discovering a new person tends to be less (unless you move in with a complete stranger that is).

“there is more of an emotional change triggered during the initial two weeks than at any other time.”

In our original article, we saw how 18th century Romanticism placed a strong importance on emotions being spontaneous. Perhaps this is why on-the-spot marriage proposals (which today would have us running for the hills) take center stage in literature of the time. So what are we saying here? Do we need to live on a wave of spontaneous emotion to feel fulfilled? I doubt most relationships would last if this were the case.

“Many of us will have felt much stronger emotions of excitement, joy, and knotted stomachs on our first date, rather than while maintaining the resulting relationship.”

Let’s dig a little deeper. Think back to when you were a teenager, discovering the world of relationships. Did you ever chase someone who gave you butterflies in your stomach? If the answer is yes, then chances are you were (subconsciously) riding that wave of emotion. Children do it too. Ask a four year how old they are, and their answer might be, “I’m four-and-a-half” while holding out four fingers and a half crooked thumb.

“Do we need to live on a wave of spontaneous emotion for us to feel fulfilled? I doubt most relationships would last if this were the case.”

The reason we do it is simple; even at such a young age, most of us are very aware of the intensity and speed of the changes we are going through. When meaningful changes seem few and far between, we tend to stop counting or just round up for convenience. It’s not as if anyone cares how many months have elapsed since my twenty-ninth birthday (apart from me that is).

As adults, it’s easy to ignore or discredit the emotional milestones we pass through. It’s almost taken for granted that once you have been through a few relationships, you’ve learned all there is to it. This idea is at odds with our professional lives, where every promotion, professional development course, or Masters Degree should feel like a big achievement or a boost to our career.

“most of us are very aware of the intensity and speed of the changes we are going through. When meaningful changes seem few and far between, we tend to stop counting”

So why don’t we monitor emotional development as closely? Perhaps it’s because we have been trained to observe outward changes, not inward ones. As we grow emotionally, we are no taller, no richer, and outwardly, no different. Yet, changes are happening.

It may take two or three sleepless nights for us to rethink our approach to friendship or envy. It may take a couple of heartaches before we rethink our reaction to what seemed like a sincere compliment. These are just a couple of examples of the emotional milestones that pass by silently and generally do not get noticed. We are not congratulated or held in any higher regard by those around us — remember; they cannot see the change.

“we are no taller, no richer, and outwardly, no different. Yet, changes are happening.”

So what is the moral of the story here? Should we hold a private party for each heartache we endure? To answer this, I’ll leave you with an analogy.

Think of yourself as an explorer; one that’s on a journey of discovery. You’re on your own, and no one will learn of your travels unless you make them public.

As you navigate through uncharted waters you might discover islands that hold valuables that you claim for yourself. We’ll call these islands ‘self-awareness’. Other islands may hold riches for you to trade with others in relationships. We’ll call these islands ‘awareness of others’. Other islands may contain maps to help you navigate the culture that surrounds you. We’ll call these islands ‘social indicators’.

A disclaimer — there is no guarantee that you will discover anything at all on your metaphoric travels. So why bother leaving port? Well, those who don’t make the journey tend to stand out. They tend to be labeled as ‘emotionally immature’ by their peers, who are usually no experts in the field themselves!

It is only through the exploration of our emotional self that we can start to understand our feelings better. The more we focus on a particular region, the more we understand its geography. Be prepared for tough realizations and harsh realities on the way — I’m sure Christopher Colombus had to endure a few storms on his voyages across the Atlantic.