I Wonder How Many Likes This Blog Post Will Get
By: Tom Rees
Tags: Instagram, Self Esteem, Body Image, Fresh Start, Confidence

One thing I could never be accused of is being overly confident. For as long as I can remember, I have always fretted about my weight, how I look and what others thought of me. My weight has always fluctuated, ever since I was a child, piling on the lbs over winter and then dropping a bit by summer and this cycle repeated for many years. Most of my teens and twenties were plagued with doubts and stresses over my body image. Do they think I look fat or that I’ve put on weight? I can’t go out tonight, everything I have to wear makes my love handles look huge!! How will I ever get a boyfriend if I look like this?!?!

I did, however, find some respite at the gym and, surprisingly, on Instagram too. Or so I thought at the time! A twenty-something me took to the ‘Gram’ to share my new-found love for the gym and I slowly became intoxicated by the reception: the virtual love, support and encouragement on my fitness journey. However, this did not cure my fluctuating weight problem completely. Years of shameless gym selfies and self-appreciation posts were interspersed with unexplained absences and breaks from the online platform due to adding a bit of unwanted weight and occasions where I just couldn’t bring myself to take a selfie, let alone post it for the world to see. But regardless of these sporadic relapses, my positivity and eagerness to transform, in my opinion, helped me win over thousands of people and I managed to amass a decent following over the years. So why am I now deciding to deactivate my Instagram account with tens of thousands of followers?

We’ll rewind two years to the beginning of 2019, I just had my first sober adult Christmas and New Year, having recently decided to give up alcohol, and I woke up on 1 stJanuary 2019 and decided that I would give up dairy for the month as a little personal challenge. Little did I know that this would trigger a chain of events, including giving up all meat too a month later — and I’m still proudly tee-total and vegan to this day — but I also decided to take a rather big social step back. For the remaining winter months, I refrained from posting on social media, limited nights out and social events, which in turn meant less frivolous spending and more early nights. I would get up early every weekend and make the effort to get out in nature, I would walk every day without fail. Being a newbie vegan also led me to add a tonne of veg into my diet and forced me to try foods and meals that I probably never would have eaten before. This all resulted in a noticeable change in my bank balance, happiness levels and waistline; I didn’t know how much I weighed as I also chose to step off the scales during this time too, but I knew I must have lost a couple of pounds. But the purpose of this blog isn’t to promote the benefits of a healthy lifestyle, even though there is an abundance of them.

By Easter, I was starting to feel like a totally different person. I was feeling happier, healthier, more energetic, and slimmer and this was becoming more noticeable in my clothing too. We were about to head out for lunch with my grandmother as it was her birthday. I was showered and shaved, I had styled my hair and donned jeans and a tidy top for the first time in months and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing in the mirror; the changes were astonishing. I decided to capture the moment, so I pulled out my tripod (not an euphemism) and shamelessly posed in my bedroom as the rest of my family awaited downstairs. Although, rather shockingly, this did not take long at all; a handful of attempts and I had the shot — perfect! The year before, we had all gone out for my grandmother’s 80 thbirthday and I remembered we had taken several photos: group shots, pictures with the children, grandchildren and so on. As we headed out in the car, I hunted through my camera roll for one of me on that day, a year before, and put it side-by-side with the one I had just taken. It showed an astounding transformation, I must have lost a couple of stone, easily. As you can probably guess, I couldn’t let this opportunity go to waste, my social media radio silence was almost instantaneously broken, and the transformation shot was uploaded to all of my socials by the time we reached our destination. I knew that a side-by-side would garner some attention, but this pic had exceeded my expectations. Friends, acquaintances and total strangers flocked to my post in their hundreds to comment, like and share their support. It was a great feeling, something I hadn’t felt in quite a while. I was on a like high and grinning from ear to ear. Spring was in full swing and summer was right around the corner, I needed to grab and hold onto this momentum with both hands. I’d already curated in my mind a whole reem of shots to capture, upload and captivate my adoring public over the coming months, monopolising the summer sun and my new, slimmer figure.

What transpired next came as a complete shock to me. Although I had countless thirsty and attention-grabbing post ideas swirling around my head, I couldn’t seem to conjure the will to post any, or even take them in the first place. All the so-called confidence I once had when posting seemed to have miraculously disappeared during my brief hiatus. In fact, I’ve barely brought myself to post 30 times in total over the last 2 years. But why? How? Well, I don’t know why exactly but I have two theories: the first one being that my lack of activity on the platform over the preceding months had caused the algorithms to reduce and hinder my profile’s reach, and the second, that I had actually developed, or changed, as a person during that time and posting shameless thirst traps for strangers to letch over didn’t really interest me anymore. Or, in fact, a combination of both.

Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing shameful about the odd thirst trap. We are all well within our rights to post content that makes us feel good about ourselves and show that we are content in our own skin. But that was exactly my problem — I was not content; it was all a lie!

I’ll be the first to admit that I certainly got caught up in the whole social media and reality boom during my twenties. I think you’d be hard-pressed to find a 90’s kid that didn’t. We are surrounded by your everyday Joe, or Jane, Bloggs ‘making it big’ online. Signing ‘lucrative’ sponsorship or endorsement deals, getting spots on reality shows and raking in the big bucks by just taking mirror selfies or some videos in the gym — or so it would seem to us, anyway. For a huge part of my twenties, I spent hours scrolling through my feed in awe and inspired by all these people’s apparent success. I employed every method I could think of to emulate this success by improving my following and reach on the platform, like joining engagement groups and even paying larger accounts for shoutouts on their posts and stories. I’d post as often as I could and post the same type of shots that I saw bring other profiles success. Losing followers or not get as many likes as my previous posts would serve a huge blow. I was obsessed and, at one point, my happiness and positivity solely depended on how much engagement I got that day. It became exhausting, and embarrassing. I could never admit this to anyone, they would think I was totally pathetic.

I remember that not long before the turning point of January 2019, I would try to plot and strategize what my “brand” could be. My brand? Honestly? Why is a twenty-something guy who works in IT at a South Wales enterprise park for 40 hours a week worrying about his online “brand”? I can’t say that this was a conscious effort, but something must have clicked in my head at that point and asked myself, why was I doing this? Was this really what I wanted? If not, why was I wasting all this energy on something that wasn’t serving me? My subconscious mind came galloping in to save me, prompting me to take the step back that I clearly needed to evaluate what was important to me, what I wanted and what would make me happier and healthier. And I personally feel that I am reaching that point again right now.

It’s safe to say that this year has been a huge kick in the nuts for everyone. No one could have predicted this. My heart goes out to everyone out there who is going through a tough time. I have to say that I have been incredibly lucky. My family and loved ones are thankfully safe and well and I’ve been able to keep my job and work from home for the last ten months. That being said, this year hasn’t been without its struggles. The increased isolation along with turning 30 has really made me evaluate my life, as cliché as that may sound. Am I happy with my job and my current situation? Where do I see myself in the next 5 years, or in ten years when I turn 40? Also, at the start of the year, I decided to give up vaping nicotine and I found that it, along with the increased snacking whilst working from home, led to a bit of weight gain. Like many this year, I’ve sought comfort and human interaction virtually, as we haven’t been able to get out and about much, but I don’t think the increased screen time has really been that healthy. I find myself in a remarkably similar place as I did back at the end of 2018, pre-hiatus: anxious about the future, self-conscious about my body and yearning for change. However, 2021 is just around the corner and an end to the despair the world has been spinning in for the last year is in sight with the arrival of a vaccine. If there were ever a time to make a change, now would be it!

Getting outdoors, running, hiking, or walking the dog, as well as the occasional strength session, have been a tonic for me this year. And as you may have noticed, I’m also quite fond of writing. These are things that I want to take with me and explore further in 2021 and pursue well into my thirties and I don’t believe that my current page reflects who I am now as a person. I am no longer that twenty-five-year-old striving for internet fame and to be some sort of influencer. Even the idea of deactivating my page fills me with anxiety and dread. First world problems, ey? But the mere fact that this decision has been so difficult just proves to me that it’s something that needs to be done. So that is exactly what I am going to do. From January 2021, I will say goodbye to the @thetomrees era of my life and start afresh. Share what I want, when I want, without any concern over how it may be received, or how many likes it may get, or how many followers it will win me. I will go into the new year, and a new decade of my life, with a contentment, a newfound understanding of who I am and an honesty that I hope will transpire in my writing and my relationships with family and friends, old and new alike.

See you all on the other side!