All We Want is Love — Look Inside First
By: Caitlin Lynch
Tags: Healing, Spirituality, Relationships, Relationships Love Dating, Love

I am the woman who loves bravely and boldly. I unapologetically speak my truth and long for deep, meaningful conversation.

I express myself openly, honestly, and lovingly.

People both love and hate me for these qualities. But that’s the thing, I don’t have time for people pleasing anymore.

I’m done subscribing to the narratives other people have written for me, so I may fit more conveniently into their lives.

I no longer tolerate relationships that thrive on everyone else’s terms but my own.

For too long I have taught people how to treat me by not sticking up for myself, by not prioritizing myself and, quite frankly, by not valuing myself.

So, does that mean I will throw up huge walls and keep everyone out because I have “found” myself and now realize that all the love I’ve ever needed was inside me this whole time? Absolutely not. What’s the point of having all this love if it will not be shared?

They joy and the ecstasy come from the overflow. That overflow comes from loving myself, God, The Universe, so much that this divine love naturally overflows outwardly to others. It is such an incredible joy. It’s what makes community and relationships so beautiful and a source of great fulfillment in my life. But, it has not always been this beautiful. You see…

I love to love.

I love to love so much, that I would often love others at the expense of my love of self. It was very common in my past for me to set aside my wants, needs, and desires, to make my friends, family, and romantic partners happy. Their happiness made me happy. Although that is still true, I no longer seek their happiness and love as a way for me to feel the same about myself. On the path to self-discovery and understanding the importance of self-love, I remembered who I was always meant to be. I realized that I was seeking outside myself for love and happiness, putting this unrealistic and unfair burden on others. Talk about a difficult realization. I know many of you can relate to this on some level. We have all fallen into this trap at one point or another in our lives — giving our power away because we let the actions of others determine our emotional state instead of taking responsibility for it ourselves.

Needless to say, I went through a long and difficult journey out of co-dependency and into loving acceptance. It was also one of the most incredibly important and fulfilling journeys of my life.

So much joy is created in relationships; from sharing and creating beautiful memories, to holding each other through the hard times, to simply sharing a glance or a laugh that speaks louder than words ever could. My relationships mean so much to me. I’ve learned so much from them all: the good, the bad, and everything in between.

Every interaction, friendship, romantic partnership, have all taught me valuable lessons about myself — my patterns, and the importance of self-awareness and self-worth. Through this introspection, I have come to realize that my energy, my time, my words, my love and care, are of such value. I do not give them freely and indiscriminately. None of us should.

Each person I have met in my life has been an incredible teacher. I love every single one — even those who intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. Those who intimately know my past ask: How? Why? They don’t understand. I get it. Maybe they believe these people do not deserve forgiveness.

However, I have also come to terms with the fact that I, too, have hurt people. I have even hurt the people who have deeply hurt me. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s a reality of the human condition. We have all participated in the cycle of hurt at one time or another. When we are open enough to realize this — we learn humility, we learn compassion, we learn that “hurt people, hurt people” and that we are all hurting in some way, at some point in our lives.

Now, we can chose to remain in the hurt; in the heaviness of anger, resentment, judgement, and revenge. But what does that give us? Sickness, stress, and ache. Most of all, while we are stewing and becoming agitated over the pains of the past, seemingly brought about by others, they have absolutely no idea of our suffering. They can go on with their lives while we sit and stew and get sick over all the ugliness we are carrying around in our bodies, minds, and souls.

When we chose this path, we chose to suffer alone.

On the other hand, we can chose the path of forgiveness. Not just forgiveness of others, but forgiveness of ourselves as well. Sometimes that is the hardest part. We must be willing and able to sit with ourselves — all the parts of us we are too scared to share the world, let alone acknowledge when we are by ourselves.

This path to forgiveness is the path that leads us over difficult hurdles and through times of painful introspection. This path calls on our deepest courage. This path asks us to lean into our vulnerability, to speak about our shame, to call out for loving support. This path is uncomfortable. This path is scary. But this path also leads to incredible and revolutionary growth — and growth happens outside our comfort zones.

When we chose the path to forgiveness, we chose to know ourselves deeply, to love ourselves wholly, to view every person we meet as a teacher, to learn from our pain and heal it — so we may in turn, love the world.

Value yourselves. Recognize when authentic love is being given to you. Be willing and open to fully receive it, without the voice of fear taking over. At the same time, be keen enough to know when you’re being taken for granted. Be wise enough to know when you are valued and when you are not.

Be mindful of those who need you. Be loving to those who choose you.

This is very important because those who need you will inevitably find you to blame for their own hurts and wounds. Find someone who wants you, who chooses you, day in and day out — not because they are trying to fill some void within themselves, but because they have found a partner worthy of sharing their incredible life. Commit to doing the same when it comes time for you to choose your person.

Let us be whole in ourselves so we may come together to create beautiful relationships of all kinds. Just as importantly, be wise enough to value yourself so you do not fall into the trap of letting others determine your worth for you.

With loving kindness, we can establish healthy boundaries for relationships that are draining and detrimental.

When we do this, we make the space that is necessary to foster supportive and meaningful relationships. We are able to build firm foundations of friendship, mutual trust, understanding, unconditional love, and a desire to grow together. In essence we make the space necessary to build a relationship, as its own separate entity.

When two conscious, self-aware, and loving individuals come together to form a relationship in this way, it can be built lovingly by the two — each maintaining their own unique identities and passions, while walking together in support of something more beautiful than themselves and each other. The relationship takes on a wonderful life of its own growing and thriving based on the love that is brought by both individuals, out of the overflow of their own self love.

What a beautiful way to be in relationship. The way it was always meant to be — with laughter and playfulness, with joy even in the hard times, with desire and passion, with reciprocity and mutual support — without fear of judgement, without the need to make someone else happy, without living up to someone else’s unrealistic expectations, without perceptions and pedestals and a whole host of unhealthy dynamics.

Know yourself. Take the time to sit with your wounds and your hurts. Meditate. Journal. Speak with a trusted friend, the divine lover in your life, or professional therapist — someone who can hold space for you in non-judgement, with compassion and unconditional love. Allow your shame to be seen, allow your hurts to be heard, to be moved through emotionally, so you may let them go and heal.

Let us love one another, as we were always designed to.