Culture is Problematic
By: Buse Umur
Tags: Family, Feminism, Equality, Culture, Gender Equality

My family isn’t constructed on societal lines of patriarchy. Au contraire, I learned mutual love, respect and caring for others from my family. My dad has never demanded my mom to stay at home to cook and take care of us. My mom hasn’t forced me or my brother to help her. Neither they expect us to obey them and stay silent. Indeed, they always advise us to listen to our hearts and follow our aspirations.

But gender roles are inherent in our culture, they have nothing to do with my parents’ personality. But I wasn’t aware of this fact then.

So, where were we? Yes, our dinner tables. Here I am — both angry with my dad for not picking up and encouraged by the small revolution I caused in my brother. I decided to change something in a 38-year-old man as a 16-year-old girl, which is unthinkable in our society because daughters have no right to say anything to their fathers whether they are right or not. That’s why talking back is considered as “mischievousness” in my mother’s dictionary. It isn’t the way she grew up. I mean, my mother and aunts even used to call my grandfather as literally “patriarch” to emphasize his authority. I totally respect her upbringing.

I refer to my brother to make my dad understand. I’m still sorry about my brother. But I think if I speak out by referring to my brother, my father will get the meaning and also I won’t be “mischievous”. Each evening I say to my brother “get your plate, please” even though I know he will.

Tea culture is so important for us and we drink several cups of tea every evening. No kidding. But someone has to pour tea each time we finish our cups. Whenever my mom wants me to pour tea for my father, I ask why my brother can’t do it, or my dad himself. My dad might start holding a grudge for me yet I don’t care. I shouldn’t if I want to change the wrong attitude.

YES! He doesn’t hold me a grudge. He notices it. He starts picking up his plates. And I realise — he wasn’t helping my mom not because he didn’t want to, or he didn’t care about her. Indeed, my parents didn’t establish gender norms at our home or whatsoever. As I stated — the problem is their upbringing, the problem is our culture. Even though my parents aren’t closed-minded bigots, they are also victimised by our social surroundings-consciously or unconsciously.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

But, when did all begin? When was the first time people said that women should be inferior? Or when was the first time they sighed and told that it is unfortunate that we’ll have a baby girl? When was the first time a female, who decided to stay single, was called spinster? When was our freedom to choose the person whom we’ll marry taken away from us? Who was the first girl being internalised with mere marriage aspirations?

I cannot respond to these questions. But what I can answer is that in my culture, I’m regarded as less human. I’m not greeted in some restaurants if I have a male companion who will always be given the bill because he should have an income, not me. I’m not expected to wear, talk and laugh as I wish. Most women are seen as products of their fathers who see in themselves a right to own, oppress and beat their daughters. The father-daughter relationship can be considered as ownership starting in the father’s house and extending to the husband’s sphere.

We encourage girls to dream of their marriage and Prince Charming. We buy them Barbie dolls, miniature houses. We teach them how to cook, how to serve, how to dress, how to talk, how to sit, how to stand up and how to walk under the name of “good manners”.

Then, why do we teach boys the reverse? Why is masculinity associated with power, violence, strictness, authority and heterosexuality? Imagine a boy beating his friend at the school and coming home. Isn’t he either praised or treated softly in a mocking way? Eh, he’s just a child, that happens, he becomes a man. I’m sorry but why the hell is toxic masculinity a justification for a fight or rape?

“Masculinity is a hard, small cage, and we put boys inside this cage.” -Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Yup. See? In the environment where we take breaths, the success of a woman threatens her male partner. We’ve come to a point where we can’t enjoy each other’s achievements. The societal issues of capitalism, hyper-masculinity, female oppression/diminution — everything fights with love, happiness and mutual respect. And the battlefield is our society.

We grow up boys and encourage them to have sex at a certain age. We encourage them to be experienced, we pat them on their back. How hypocritical we are — we turn female virginity into a holy and sublime flower which should never be spoiled until marriage. Women are murdered by their families for having sex before their marriages. They are blamed to harm the family’s decency (namus). Their murders are justified by courts. Oh, their murderers? Out on the streets — raping women and then cleansing their “decency”.

Gender inequality, that has nothing to do with biological differences, has always become turbulent. We’ve created this societal inequality and we continue to praise it, we feel proud of it. And this is so wrong. It was our fault to bring our children to this world and internalise them with disgraceful norms. It is now our responsibility to cleanse them.

We have to teach them, folks. I have to teach my brother not to resemble my father.

I have to teach him to feel proud of his female/male partner’s success, to love himself as who he is and his partners for who they are.

He shouldn’t think of getting plates as someone’s role after dinners. He should know cooking is nobody’s duty and everyone living on earth should have the ability to feed themselves. He has to respect, he has to be vulnerable, he has to love. He has to be true to himself. It is about humanity, it is about who we are. It is about respecting individuals no matter what their gender, background, race and religion are. It is about the equal treatments of all genders.

“Imagine how much happier we would be, how much freer to be our true individual selves, if we didn’t have the weight of gender expectations.” -Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

We’ve been taught for centuries how we should be and act. Now we have to recognise who we are. I can play with cars, I can wear blue, I can have my bodily freedom. I can have relationships with whomever I desire. My brother can be emotional, he is not here to be pressured with toxic masculinity. He can wear pink, he can cook and he can cry. I didn’t answer to my mother then, but yes mom.

I can see what I’ve done and I’m so damn happy.

Folks, we can do what the hell we want to do. No toxic society can harm us.