Have You Lost Your IRL Self?
By: Carlyn Beccia
Tags: Culture, Relationships, Psychology, Self Improvement, History

Have You Lost Your IRL Self?

The price we pay for a public and private self that no longer match

Artwork: © Carlyn Beccia | www.CarlynBeccia.com

The first time I saw the acronym “IRL,” I was woefully confused. It implies that your digital self is different from your in-the-flesh self.

Obviously, personalities are mutable. The person you were as a teen is not the person you are today. Our bodies break down. Our brains fire new neural synapses. Even our red blood cells cycle out every four months. But those changes happen over space and time.

But social media allows you to flip a switch with lightning speed. Feeling broken inside today? Just upload a happy picture of you running barefoot on the beach or enjoying a croissant in a Paris bistro. Simply be the person you want the world to see at that moment.

But here’s the problem with having two identities at one time — accountability. Online behavior has consequences. If you are a jerk online, you are still a jerk. Social media is not a magical safe space where you get to hurt others without repercussions. But that’s the message teens get today when they are allowed a curated and doctored space to polish and perfect their true selves.

The fakeness starts with photos. Our children are growing up in a world where the pictures they post to social media are filtered to the point that they don’t even look like themselves.

Think about that for a moment. A century from now, we won’t know what some people really looked like. You could argue that eighteenth-century portraiture was idealized too, but that is also why we don’t trust portrait paintings to represent what someone looked like. How will future generations make sense of online photos?

And that is just the superficial stuff. What about those who “like” posts when they don’t IRL like the person behind them? In a world of Snapchat filters, perfect gym shots, and happy vacation photos, how do we hold tight to authenticity?

Of course, everyone wants to project an image to the world that represents our best selves. But can we embrace vulnerability if we never let the mask fall?

It’s a conversation that I will have with my daughter when she is old enough to get on social media. It’s not ok to live a double life. And trying to continually cover up your flaws will exhaust you. It’s a lot easier to live a truth than a lie; a lie takes work.

A perfect example of this dualistic approach to identity is the recent scandal surrounding Ellen Degeneres.

If you are unfamiliar with the brouhaha, several of Ellen’s employees have recently come forward about the comedian’s racism and intimidation on her show. And this isn’t just a handful of disgruntled ex-Ellen employees. There are simply too many stories to ignore.

When I read about Ellen’s fall from grace, I was disappointed. But not because Ellen was ousted as a grade-A jerk. It’s because she became the poster child for inauthenticity. She projected to the world the image of an honorable person with the tagline “be kind to everyone,” but behind closed doors, she was anything but kind. And that’s not cool.

It’s a lot easier to live a truth than a lie; a lie takes work.

Then there is romance. Two decades ago, would a man ever walk up to a woman he would like to meet and remove his shirt? Or would a woman walk up to a man and make a kissy face while pushing her breasts together? But today, shirtless men holding up fishes and duckface selfies with awkward camera angles fill every dating app. It’s far too easy to create a Panglossian substitute for our true selves when the IRL world says it is ok to do so.