It’s Okay To Question Your Own Empowerment
By: Yena Choi
Tags: Aging, Self Concious, Feminism, Humor, Women

It’s Okay To Question Your Own Empowerment

Our feelings—highs and lows—about being a woman are valid.

Image Credit: Summer Arlexis/ Bustle.com

Even in the modern society, it is easy to get lost in your own head and lose track of the rights and the powerfulness of us women. It does not make us any less forward thinking or empowering. When these moments of being lost occur, it is totally okay to ask for help and not avoid these feelings. It just simply makes us human. I will tell you about my downfalls and where it resonates from.

To start, I grew up in a traditional Asian immigrant family and a very shallow one. My mom was one of those women that would preach the whole food group of anti-feminism: Get rich/Meet a rich man/ Get married/ Have babies/Only ugly women work/Don’t age. It came from her “right place”. I love my mother and I am not trying to make her appear to be a villain. Just simply telling you how my she was and still is…

Therefore, I got married/widowed at a very early age. To a military man. He came from a very “progressive family”. Southern white guy/ Catholic/ Lesbian parents/ blended family. It is a very confusing mix, I know. Stay with me though. However, I never remarried/had babies (maybe someday). I always worked and still work in IT/software development (12 years +) and I am definitely aging.

Spoiler alert, my mom still loves me, apparently…

I work in a profession where one does not have to be the “beautiful or fashionable” to be successful. I live in a place where it is nicknamed “Hollywood for Ugly People” (DC Metro Area).I am not sure if anyone else has heard of the nickname. I wish I can tell you that I am totally liberated and screw the unrealistic western beauty standards. That is totally not the case, somedays.

Full transparency, I am 30 years old. However, most of my friends are either in their late 30s -70s. They always tell me that they thought I was much older than I really am, at first glance. I have a colleague who is the same age as I am. People think I am her supervisor and she is an intern. This is probably not because people believe I am such a mature employee. It probably has to do with the fact that I look a decade older than her (or well seasoned :D).

Moments and my “non-youthful” traits like these make me think about my mom. It makes me self-conscious about not spending a fortune on skincare/ makeup/ fast fashion/ luxury goods / whatever. I like all of these things (except fast fashion). It makes me wonder if I should work to accelerate my baby process. I wonder if I am a failure for not making over 180K yearly like my other peers. Is my boyfriend going to replace me with a younger/healthier robot??? ( I don’t actually think he would ever replace me). Should I become a robot ???

The point is, it is okay to not always feel sure about yourself. Being a powerful woman does not always have to be filled with confidence and self-assurance. It is also okay to ask your questions and seek guidance from your fellow humans. I do not always have the answer to my self-consciousness/ low points. I wonder if any women truly do. Please let me know how often you feel such insecurities, even if you are not a woman or identify as a woman.