A Crazy Mom’s Guide to Pumping at Work
By: Mary Keough
Tags: Pumping, Breastfeeding, Working Moms, Parenting

Disclaimer: I HATE my breast pump.

Hate, hate, hate. LOATHE ENTIRELY. My plan when I’m finished popping out little mini-mes is to hold a ceremonial pump burning in my backyard. Carcinogens be damned. I will breathe them in like a drowning victim gasping for air, as I watch the purifying flames swallow that machine of lonely hours and interrupted time.

So, you’ve decided you still want to pump at work? Welcome to the crazy mothers club, you dedicated, beautiful mama. It ain’t never gonna be easy, but it will be worth it. I pumped for two babies, every work day for a year with each kiddo. Preparation is key. Prepare. Prepare. Prepare.

1. First things first. You need to talk to someone, either your boss or Human Resources about a pumping room.

I think most offices today are pretty hip and keen on the whole working mamas thing and nursing is becoming more common, so I didn’t run into any issues here.

I’m lucky. I had a room, with a desk and chair, and my own personal fridge. I’ve heard other stories about sharing the community fridge for storing milk and other such semi-embarrassing but very workable situations. So, before you return to work, make sure you know where you’re going to pump, that you’re comfortable there and you have a place to store your milk. I’m bad at this, but you do have to be your own advocate when it comes to pumping at work. More on that later.

2. You have your pump room. Now you need the accessories and a plan for what to do with them.

I had an electric double-breast pump and, aside from the annoyingly loud noise it makes, it’s very easy and satisfyingly powerful. On your first day of pumping, you’ll pug that sucker into the wall, attach the tubes, hook up the two pumpers to them, and pump away.

WHOA WHOA WHOA! Easy tiger. Didn’t think it’d be that easy, did you?! I’ve spent time doing all the many ways you could pump. Into a bottle, into a bag, one boob at a time, both boobs simultaneously holding the bottles the whole time and both boobs in a hands-free bra pumping into bottles. Let me tell you with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY, the latter is the best way to go. I’ll not bore you with the details of why each other method is terrible in its own way. Maybe in a later post.

Please, please, please beautiful breastfeeding mama, get a hands-free pumping bra. It will be the best investment you’ve ever made. DO NOT try and make your own. Been there, done that, not worth the t-shirt (or the potentially hilarious “Pintrest fail” video).

Also, have a bag to store everything — I use a lame navy-blue backpack that makes me look like a 5th grader when I waltz into work. Try looking like a badass, coolio, working mama with a frickin’ dorky-looking backpack. Damn near impossible, but hey. It works and I’m fine with it.

In my bag: breast pump, hand-free pumping bra, two sets of pump parts, two bottles, A TON of breastmilk storage bags, a permanent marker, and pads (you could get your period back at ANY TIME. Remember what I said. Prepare, prepare, prepare). I’ve heard others bring wipes in case of mess. Not gonna lie, it’s a good idea. There will be messes. I repeat, THERE WILL BE MESSES!

3. Okay, so you have your pump room, your bag is set, now it’s time to get in there and pump.

I’m ‘bout to get real personal here. Fair warning. So, when I pump, I sit down, plug in my pump, set up the parts and bottles then wrap the hand free pump bra around my waist and zip in the front. Then I shove my bra above my boobs, put the hands-free bra underneath that, hook up the flanges, and turn the pump on. Usually pumping takes me about 15–20 minutes. I just sit there and scroll through Instagram or read a book or fantasize about my ceremonial burning party and let the pump do its thing.

When pumping is finished, I detach the pump parts from the bra, place them on the table in my pump room, undo the pump bra and push my regular bra back down. Now, I’ve got my milk bottles. Time to store ’em up. I use the Lansinoh breastmilk storage bags, because they’re the cheapest. I take my permanent marker (you could also use pen, but I have a deep-seeded obsession with permanent markers since I wasn’t allowed to touch them for the first decade of my life, plus they’re cool), write baby’s name, amount of milk and date on the bag, then detach the flanges from the pump part and use that as a funnel to dump the milk from the bottles into the bag. I then seal the bag and place in the fridge. I then reattach all the pump parts and put that back in the fridge too.

NOTE: I know the CDC or Health Department or some other group of people who have never pumped before said this isn’t sanitary. EFF. THEM. I do it, it’s never been an issue. If you want to take your parts and sterilize them fully between each session, go for it. I do not nor will ever do that.

Here comes the tough part. The being your own advocate at work part. Like I said, I’m lucky. I have a private fridge, so I can store my breastmilk and parts right in there. If you share a fridge, buy a large-ish lunch bag and put them in there. That’s the easiest.

4. At the end of a long, uninspired, barely satisfying workday, you get to pack up all your shit and head out.

I have a little cooler storage pocket in my backpack to store the milk bags. You could also bring an ice pack and put that in the lunch bag to keep the milk cool during your commute. Whatever works.

Then, I excitedly pick up my kiddos, play with them for a bit, cook some food and get the lovely 15–20 minute task of washing. Every. Single. Disassembled pump part and bottle part. It’s a gas. I don’t know who this Dr. Brown person is. But the mechanics of those bottle pieces have me suspecting that doc is a man. A man whose wife had to wash the bottle parts. For sure.

I hope this guide has helped you or at least offered a bit of comedic relief to the world of pumping at work. Like I said, not easy, but totally worth it. Good luck awesome mama!