Going to bed…
By: Jacqueline Suarez
Tags: Grief And Loss, Heartbreak, Love Letters, Sadness And Loss, Lovestory

Image from: mydomaine.com

I used to have a hard time going to bed because of my mania. When I first got diagnosed with bipolar disorder I felt like everything made sense. The way I felt sometimes and the way I knew I was just a little bit different. When I met Austin it was like the whole world stopped. I felt like all I could see was him. Sometimes I couldn’t sleep for hours and I would go into the guest bedroom. I would think about my relationship with him. I would picture our future life together. He would tell me he doesn’t like talking about the future. I pushed him. He told me I was the love of his life. I told him that first because I knew in my heart it was true.

I knew I fell in love with him when my flight to Syracuse was canceled due to the weather. He told me to fly into Rochester and he would pick me up. He drove all the way to Rochester from Syracuse. No guy had ever done that for me. I was so scared to tell him I loved him. I only felt that way about one other guy and I was 14 at the time. I couldn’t believe I had fallen in love. But I had and I wanted him to know how I felt. Telling him I loved him was a huge step for me. I told him my hurt heart because I knew he didn’t feel that way. When he did tell me he loved me I knew he meant it. Then he got scared. I think I was scared too. Loving Austin was so easy. He made me fall in love with him every single day.

I would picture our future together. We would live in his house for a few years and focus on our careers. He was the engineer and I was the social worker. Our careers were completely different but that didn’t matter. We were very different but it didn’t matter. Our love grew every day.

In an email, I wrote to him after he broke up with me I poured my heart out. I told him “I will miss our beautiful life together. I think about how I wanted to take you to meet my family in Costa Rica. I think about how we planned to move to Atlanta or somewhere else together after we worked at our jobs for a few more years.” I thought our future aligned. I truly believed that we were destined for each other.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I know why he ended things with me. I know why he couldn’t be with me anymore. I pushed him and I challenged him this entire year. From the very start of this year, I kept scaring him. My mental illness put a rift between us.

I don’t know what our future holds. I know Austin meant what he said when he told me that he could never be with me again. I walked away since I believed it would be the last time I saw him. We rode the elevator together and I wanted to hug him and kiss him so badly. I wanted to beg him to take me back again. I knew I couldn’t. I knew I had to say goodbye. I think of the quote, “if you love something let it go free. If it doesn’t come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever,” by Douglas Horton. I think about that quote a lot. Austin told me he loved me. But what if he didn’t? What if he thought he was in love but what he felt for me wasn’t really love? I had to follow Douglas Horton’s wisdom. I knew I had to let him be free.

Setting him free was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Now it is hard to go to sleep because I miss sleeping with him. I miss saying goodnight to him and waking up with him. I miss his goodbye kiss to me before he would leave for work. Even though it was 5 am I could always count on that kiss.

I am moving back to Albany. Originally I moved to Albany for a job. I quickly learned that job was not for me. But then Austin moved to the area for a job. It made me feel great knowing we had both moved there for a job. I am moving back to Albany for a job. I am moving back there for my happiness. I love my career and I love Austin.

I know he will move on. I know he will find someone who he loves and who loves him back. It is so hard to think that. It is so hard to sleep at night missing my best friend. I don’t think I will ever be able to get over Austin. Actually, I know I never will. Just like the previous guy I fell in love with I know I felt a deeper love with Austin. Bryan was a bad boy and someone I was easily attracted to. We had this insane chemistry. I had that with Austin but our love was stronger. Sometimes when I go back to Costa Rica I see Bryan. I think about how he was 18 when we started dating. I was so resistant to dating him but he would show up all the time. He would beg me to give him a chance. When I did it was electric. When I realized I was in love with Austin I felt that electricity. On our first date, we spent all night talking. I could talk to him about anything. He was the only guy I told about all my traumas. He was a special guy. I thought Bryan was and he is in a lot of ways but Austin has a piece of my heart. He will always have it. He will always be the key that unlocks my soul. Going to bed at night is hard without him.