Now I Don’t Usually Drive Around Naked in a Stolen Car, But There was This One Time…
By: Jimmywayne Ford
Tags: Crime, Short Story, Funny, Life, Humor

Now I Don’t Usually Drive Around Naked in a Stolen Car, But There was This One Time…

It’s a long, long story

Image by juanwa from Pixabay

I used to have this buddy named Kenneth when I lived out in Rio Rancho, New Mexico back in 2002. We was out there doin’ construction work. Kenneth was okay, but he could be a dick sometimes.

I’d been makin’ pretty good money that year so I done bought myself a brand new Ford F150 2WD Super Crew XLT truck. Boy oh boy, was she a beauty. Well, me and Kenneth headed out to the Sandia Bar and started drinkin’ beer and swappin’ lies.

We’d been there a good 20 minutes when these two broads walked in. Kenneth called dibs on the blonde with the big tits and I got the black haired one with spiky hair and long, long legs.

The blonde wore the tiniest pair of cutoff jeans you ever did see and the tall thin one wore tight jeans and a red and white tube top with a short leather jacket.

We just stared for a minute and then Kenneth went over to the girls. I watched them talkin’, but I couldn’t hear what they was sayin’ cause the music was so loud, but after a minute, the two girls turned and looked at me and smiled.

Kenneth slipped an arm around each of them and brought them over to our booth. Kenneth said, “Jimmywayne, this here is Bootsy and Sheila. I offered them a drink.”

Well, Kenneth offered, but I was the one who ended up payin’. Blonde Bootsy slipped in next to Kenneth, and I stood up and let Sheila slide in next to me.

Keeneth told me, “The girls say they are looking for a man with cowboy boots and a big truck. Show them your cowboy boots, Jimmywayne.”

I lifted my leg up so they could see my boots. They was nothin’ special about my boots, but the girls oohed and ahhed over them.

Now, I ain’t ugly. I’m a pretty good lookin’ feller even now. I got a rugged face and strong body, but ol’ Kenneth had this Hollywood face and looked like the strongman type. He drew women like flies.

“Speakin’ of trucks, girls,” said Kenneth, “Jimmywayne here has hisself a brand new Ford truck. So I reckon you found what you was lookin’ for.”

Four or five beers later, Bootsy was draped all over Kenneth and runnin’ her fingers through his dark wavy hair and rubbin’ her tits against his arm, and giggling at everything he said.

In the meantime, Sheila sat rigid and silent next to me. Oh, she’d smile a little once in a while and she was drinkin’ ever’thing the waiter was puttin’ in front of her, but she weren’t warmin’ up to me at all.

Whenever I leaned in next to her it felt like I was cozying up to a barbed wire fence. I asked her if she’d like another beer, and she said, “Why don’t we switch to something a little harder?”

Before I could say anything, Kenneth answered sayin’ “Scotch on the rocks. Four of them. Go order for us, Jimmywayne.”

While I was waitin’ for our order, I looked back at our booth and I saw Bootsy and Sheila leanin’ across the table and discussin’ somethin’ with each other rather heatedly with a bunch of arm wavin’ and finger pointin’.

When I got back to the booth, Kenneth said, “It’s settled then. After this round, we’re goin’ out to Bootsy’s house.”

I didn’t like this at all and I said, “I don’t know. I’d rather…”

Bootsy leaned toward me and cut me off sayin’, “Don’t be a party pooper, JImmywayne” with her lullaby voice and her tits restin’ on the table.

“Is that okay with you, Sheila?” I asked. Sheila never said a word and her black eyes flashed, but her thin red lips never moved.

Bootsy winked at Sheila and said, “But it was Sheila’s idea!”

I didn’t believe that one bit.

The girls said they’d leave their car at the bar and show us how to get to Bootsy’s house. Bootsy rode in Kenneth’s car with him and I followed in my truck with the ice queen Sheila sittin’ as far away from me as she could.

I followed Kenneth’s car and after what seemed like a long time, he turned off on a gravel road and then we drove another mile or so and turned off on a dirt road that led up to this small old frame house. The house itself hadn’t been painted in years but the front door was painted a bright red.

Photo by Ruslan Valeev on Unsplash

We all waited while Bootsy fumbled with a large set of keys lookin’ for the house key. She didn’t seem all that sure which one it was. She finally got the door open and we all went inside.

The way Bootsy looked around I got the feelin’ she hadn’t even been here before. Somethin’ about the whole situation didn’t feel right, but if I left then Kenneth would blame me for spoilin’ ever’thin’.

The house was hot. Sheila peeled off her leather jacket, opened the windows, and turned on a box fan. Bootsy got ice from the freezer and poured whiskey into four jelly jars she found in a cabinet.

We sat around an ancient formica table on metal chairs and drank our whiskey. Bootsy kept pawin’ all over Kenneth and it was obvious she was hot to trot. Sheila leaned back in her chair and and chain smoked her long, thin cigarettes.

I thought maybe now that we was here, that Sheila might warm up a bit. I put my hand on her arm to say somethin’ to her and she bristled like a angry porkypine and then she caught herself and relaxed.

She said, “Tell me all about yourself, Cowboy.”

Before I could speak, Kenneth spoke up and said, “I can tell you all you want to know about Jimmywayne. I knowed him for the past ten years.”

That weren’t even true. We’d only worked together a few times over the past couple of years. I was itchin’ to punch Kenneth’s lights out. I shoulda done it, too.

Then, instead of talkin’ about me, Kenneth went on to brag about his own self for the next half an hour. Every lie he told made him out to be a hero and made me a mere bystander.

I’d had about enough and was ready to say somethin’ to Kenneth when Sheila put her arm around my shoulder and asked me, “Where do you come from, Jimmywayne?”

Kenneth started to answer again and I shot him a dirty look that said say one dang word and I’ll punch your lights out.

I told Sheila about bein’ from Fort Worth, Texas and about the different places I had worked. Hoping to get on her good side, I told her “I can tell you about some of my adventures if you wanna hear’ em.

Most people liked to hear my crazy stories and I was in the mood to tell some, but Bootsy giggled and said, “I got somethin’ I wanna tell Kenneth.”

She grabbed his arm and led him to the bedroom, closin’ the door behind ‘em.

Alone now with Shelia, I wondered how we would pass the time. She wasn’t gonna talk, that was for sure. I just wanted to get outa there. Then Sheila stood up and sat down in my lap. She pressed her thin, red lips against my mouth, but I pushed her away.

“What’s wrong?” she said lookin’ annoyed as she locked her long legs around mine.

“I didn’t think you were interested in me at all,” I answered. “I just came along for the drive. You don’t have to do anythin’ you don’t wanna do just because of Bootsy and Kenneth.”

“I’m not, but isn’t this what you came here for?” she said, pullin’ up her tube top.

I moved away. I didn’t have no intention of kissin’ this ice cold bitch.

She moved away from me and leaned against the fridge. Her black eyes impaled me and it was obvious I wasn’t goin’ along with her plans.

In the chilly silence, we could hear the rhytmic squeaking of the springs comin’ from the bedroom. I was pissed at Kenneth and just wanted to get outa there.

Shelia waited a few minutes and said, “You want something to eat?”

I said, “Sure.”

I watched her take some eggs outa the fridge and get out a fryin’ pan from the shelf over the stove. She bent over to look for something else in the fridge and that view of her was good. She kept her back to me while she cooked. It was much better than lookin’ at her black eyes. Like this, I didn’t mind her company.

I wondered why she had agreed to come along. Why didn’t she just let Bootsy and Kenneth go off together?

Once she got the eggs and toast and coffee ready, she carried it over to the table. She set the plate down and then started to put the mug of hot coffee on the table, but she stumbled and spilled the boilin’ hot coffee all over me.

I hollered and she said, “Sorry,” a few times, but she was smilin’ sayin’ it.

“Here,” she said. “Take your clothes off. I’ll rinse the coffee out and put them in the dryer.”

I hesitated a minute, but my skin burned so much that I slowly stripped off my boots, my pants, and my shirt.

“Get your drawers off, too,” she said. “Don’t be shy.”

She stood watchin’ me and said, “It’s a lot bigger than I thought it would be.”

I sat down to eat and Sheila walked off with my clothes.

I had a mouthful of eggs headed toward my mouth when I hear her knock on the bedroom door and say, “C’mon, Bootsy. We gotta get a move on.” I thought I heard Kenneth sayin’ somethin’ but his voice was muffled.

I turned to look and saw Sheila holdin’ my clothes and riflin’ through my pockets.

Bootsy shouted, “Gimme a sec.” In a moment, she emerged from the bedroom slippin’ her shorts on.

That’s when I noticed Sheila had my truck keys and my pants in her hand. The two of them dashed out the door and got in my new truck. I could hear the engine turnin’ over as I jumped up and ran outside.

I started hoppin’ around soon as I got outside ’cause there was pine cones all over the ground that was cuttin’ my feet. I was yellin’ “Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!” as they drove off in my truck.

I was fearful angry. I ran inside hollerin’ at Kenneth and saw that not only my clothes, but my boots were gone, too.

That asshole Kenneth had gotten me into any number of scrapes before, but this topped them all. I found Kenneth in the bedroom, where he was naked and tied spread eagled to the bed.

“Come on. Get me untied. Help me,” Kenneth demanded as I stood there looking at him, not saying anything. I looked down and saw his car keys on the floor and bent down to pick them up.

“What are you waiting for? Untie me.” Kenneth demanded.

I said, “I don’t think so. Not this time, Kenneth.”

I ran out to Kenneth’s car, started it, and took off down the road hoping I could catch up with those crooked girls, but when I got back to highway, they was nowhere in sight.

I decided to drive back to the bar and call the cops from there. I was boilin’ mad and drivin’ fast, but I couldn’t quite remember the way back to the bar.

I got disoriented and unsure if I was goin’ the right direction. I turned and went back the opposite way a couple of times until I wasn’t sure any more which direction I was going. The more lost I felt, the faster I drove.

I passed two or three wooden buildings that I didn’t remember, but it had been dark when we drove out there and now the sun was high in the sky. Finally, I stopped for a moment and tried to gather my wits.

Now Kenneth’s car was a convertible and the hot summer sun was beatin’ down on me and made them coffee burns even worse. Once more, I turned around and went back in the opposite direction hoping I was goin’ the right way.

I’d been driving for several hours by now and was almost outa gas and as lost as a goose.

Then I heard sirens and thought there must be an accident up ahead, but soon there were four police cruisers behind me with their lights flashin’. One sped up and passed me. I started to wave at them until I saw that the cop in the passenger seat had his gun drawn and pointed right at me.

He signaled for me to pull over and I did; then all four of the police cars stopped behind me. I was sure glad to see them.

All of the officers exited their cars with weapons drawn. The cop at the front of the group was a large man carrying a shotgun. He shouted, “Drop your weapon!”

I raised my hands in the air and said, “I don’t have a weapon.”

He shouted again, “Get out of the car slowly with your hands above your head.”

I did and this is when the cops realized I was naked. I heard them laughing and then the big cop signaled to the others to stop.

“Lie down on the ground face down,” the cop said.

“But I can’t,” I said.

“Are you resisting arrest?” the cop asked.

“No, sir, but the pavement is hot and I ain’t got any clothes on.”

Four of the other cops joined the big lug with the shotgun and surrounded me.

“I don’t think we’ll need to frisk him,” one of the cops laughed.

This is when I tried to explain that I was the victim of a crime, that my truck had been stolen along with my clothes and my wallet. I described Bootsy and Sheila to them.

“Is that why you stole this car?” asked the officer.

“I didn’t steal it,” I said. “It belongs to my friend Kenneth.”

“And where is Kenneth?” asked the officer.

I explained, “They tied him up. He’s still there in that house tied up as far as I know, but I am lost and I was on my way back to Sandia Bar so I could call you.”

“This car was reported stolen a few hours ago by a woman who said she saw you steal it and now we’ve caught you red-handed and red, uh, somethin’ else,” the officer said. All the other cops laughed out loud and pointed at me.

I was handcuffed and taken to the station. The cops gave me a orange jumpsuit to wear, but it was torture against my coffee burnt and sunburnt skin. They refused to give me any kind of lotion to try to treat my burnt up skin.

Two of the cops began questioning me and again I tried to explain to them where they could find Kenneth who was probably still tied up on the bed in that wood frame house.

I gave them directions to the house the best I could, but they didn’t know where I was talkin’ about and didn’t believe me. I gave them Kenneth’s father’s number and they called him.

After a heated conversation with the police, Kenneth’s father asked to speak to me and they gave me the phone. Again, I explained what happened and Kenneth’s father said, “What mess have you gotten Kenneth into this time?”

After the call, I told the cop that when I told Kenneth’s father, he said he’d be right down to the station. Now, I knew that Kenneth would put all the blame on me as usual ’cause he never told his daddy the truth.

I did not feel one iota of sorry for Kenneth though. Whatever he was going through tied up and alone in that house out in the middle of nowhere seemed a fittin’ punishment for all the times he got me into scrapes and blamed me.

A couple of the cops got out some maps and thought they knew where that house might be after I described it again. Two of them took off to look for it and to rescue ol’ Kenneth.

While I waited at the station, I thought of Kenneth tied spread eagle to that bed and a big ol’ smile broke across my sunburned lips. I pictured how the cops would find him naked and tied up. For sure he’d get laughed at even more than I did.

I just hoped he wouldn’t be so mad at me for leavin’ him that he’d tell them I really did steal his car.