Self-Love Is The Best Love
By: Wistful Writer
Tags: Life, Marriage, Heartbreak, This Happened To Me, Self Love

Laughter echoed in my backyard, we were hosting my husbands' cousin sister and her husband. They are very close to us, and we have a great friendship.

She said, “It's getting cold, we should move inside”. Her husband held her hands in his own and said, “I got you, I am your personal heater”. They smiled and gazed at each other. Immediately uncomfortable, I broke the silence by saying, “This cold will get me stiff”. To which her husband teased, “Well, hope your husband gets stiff and hard too, that will be fun for you tonight”. Everyone laughed at the sexual innuendo, my husband replied, “That is why our bedroom is so far from yours, so you don't hear us and vice versa”. I looked at him, he was laughing heartily. Cracking a sexual joke comfortably, pretending to be the most normal happily married couple. It seemed to come naturally to him.

My head was spinning.

I was brimming with anger, resentment, and heartache. I held my breath as that feeling passed. I felt thankful for the control I had…a couple of years ago this kind of thing would have pushed me to the edge. There would have been tears, and me walking away or some huge drama afterward. I rejoined the conversation, secretly admiring my acting abilities and my husbands’. We have been doing this for years now, the pretending, the joking, portraying a perfect picture.

But every single time, it gets me.

I only hide it better now, I have learned…the hard way. It's futile to try and change someone…especially someone who can’t see you at all, even though you are so close. It's better to change your own self (or at least pretend to have changed, as they say, ‘you fake it till you make it’).

But still when the conversation moves to intimacy, sex, etc. Hits me hard, like a jab in the ribs. Takes my effing breath away.

I wonder sometimes, about my husband. Does it come easily to him, or does the pretending hurt him too? I secretly wish it does, but I know it doesn't. I am pretty sure it doesn't even strike him that these things could be hurting me.

I guess the fault lies with me, for being so fragile. For being unable to harden myself even after so many years of the same thing. I try, to be tough, to appear calm and unaffected, to seem normal. I think I succeed fairly well, but inside…Oh don't even get me started on what goes on in my heart.

It's a mess.

Scarred, battered, broken, pieces stitched together raggedly. Barely hanging on…Yes that's how my emotional health looks like, or as we say…my heart.

I could spend days crying if I could. But I am afraid I wouldn't be able to come out of that state of mind. I know this because I have been there. I have been depressed, unable to get out of bed, and all else that comes with it. I got out of it, and swore never to go back in that place…its dark there, and scary.

I had written something when I was suffering, it was very dark but I saved it. To remind me how low I had been, and how far I have come. Remember this… The woods are lovely, dark and deep,

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

— Robert Frost I changed it to… The woods are lonely, dark, and scary…

And I have nothing left to seek.

Can I just go to sleep?

A forever and ever sleep… I know it sounds bad, depressing. But what does one do when they feel done. Like not a medium or rare, but a well done, overdone…burnt, charred done. That is how I felt in 2017, but am better now. Whatever happens, nothing seems to affect me as badly anymore. I still feel everything deeply. I am still in the same situation, but I have grown.

Love, Loss, Heartbreak, Grief, Rejection…all these things change you. My marriage and the constant slow burn of all that is wrong with it has also changed me. It broke me first, but then I rebuilt….

Stronger, Better….and a hell of a lot Sexier.

So whatever you are going through in your life, your good or shitty relationships…remember this. There is one love which is above all, the LOVE you feel for yourself.

SELF-LOVE.

Learn to love yourself more…and you will make it.

No matter how low you are, how much the world beats you down, You will rise, You will shine…trust me, coz I did.