Should I Stay or Should I Go?
By: Marianna Zelichenko
Tags: Relationship Advice, Breakups, Letting Go, Relationships, Couples

Photo by Mike Erskine on Unsplash

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

My ex-boyfriend Dan and his new girl just had a baby boy. Every time I see photos of them on Instagram I feel so… happy.

Yes, happy. And grateful, that too. Grateful that he gets to have this life with her. Grateful that 4 years ago, both of us knew when it was time to go separate ways.

Our love story wasn’t one for the books. We met at work. I was 22 at the time, he was 28. What started out as a one-night stand quickly became a rebound friends-with-benefits, then a ‘relationship but let’s deny it’. Finally, after 10 months of dating, we decided to go steady. Sure, there were some differences — he wanted kids, I wasn’t so sure yet, and overall I wasn’t quite as traditional as he was, but surely we could work it out?

We did well. Dan and I were both best friends and lovers, and for the longest time, everything was okay. I focused on my career, wanted to travel. Dan also seemed fine with the way things were, focusing on his own work. We hardly ever fought and our fights were quickly resolved. For 5 years, I didn’t want my life any other way. We even bought a house together…

Sometimes, Making It Work Isn’t Possible

It was around that time that things began to unravel. I made new, alternative friends and suddenly new ways of living opened up for me. Why work in corporate if I could set my own hours as a freelancer? And wasn’t there more to life than just work, my hobbies, my friendships? What about exploring a bit more? Sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll?

Dan wasn’t quite on board, and for months we had difficult conversations trying to find a middle ground between his need for stability and mine for thrills. We were actually making progress, but then, one night, everything fell apart. Because of the drugs.

No, that’s nonsense. It wasn’t because of drugs, but drugs were involved. What happened is I was out with a friend when he suggested doing Molly. Curious, I agreed, taking some safety precautions and sending a text to Dan so he wouldn’t worry.

When I got home, hell broke loose. He couldn’t understand how I could possibly want to experiment with substances, especially spontaneously and without him there. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t just trust my ability to make my own decisions. The fight we had wasn’t worse than our other fights. But there was one substantial difference: we couldn’t resolve it.

Dan didn’t want to move forward with the risk of me doing drugs again. I didn’t want to move forward having to deny a part of myself — a part that longed for freedom.

It took us a mere 2 weeks to realize that this was it — we as a couple didn’t work anymore. Our living arrangements after we sold the house said it all — he got a new house in the suburbs, I spent 2 years living in a converted van.

No break-up is ever easy, but we were coping, and when over a year later he told me he met a cute girl at the gym I helped him cyberstalk her and encouraged him to go for it. Now, he’s happy with his life and I’m happy with mine. Instead of the both of us settling for a relationship that was no longer meant to be.

3 Conditions for Leaving

Dan wasn’t my first relationship, but he was the first one where things didn’t drag on until they became unbearable. He taught me a very important lesson: when to call it quits.

I realized that it’s not the type of problem in a relationship that decides whether you should leave. You could choose to stay after an affair, or leave because he simply never learns to put his dirty socks in the laundry basket, or because she wants a cat and you want a dog.

But here’s a foolproof way to know when it’s time to cut your losses: it’s when a) you’re feeling unhappy; b) things are not getting better; and c) there is no indication this is going to change.

Let’s start with you feeling unhappy. There are so many reasons why you could be. Maybe it’s because your partner is an alcoholic. Maybe it’s because they’re a workaholic. Maybe it’s because you’re melancholic. Maybe you’re both amazing, just not together. Maybe you no longer feel alive in their presence — they don’t light your fire.

You can be unhappy for any reason and ANY reason will be a valid reason. But if we’d all leave the moment we’re unhappy, no relationship would progress past the first date. So the next condition to leave is: things are not getting better.

You might think you need 7 years to be really sure things aren’t getting any better. You don’t. Every time you’re unhappy for the same reason and with the same intensity — it’s a sign that things are not getting any better. Sometimes, like with Dan and myself, you know in a matter of weeks. Sometimes it’s a matter of months. But remember: it’s your life you’re spending on these moments, so I’d recommend not let it drag for too long. Especially, if — last condition — you have no indication that something is going to change.

Ask yourself (and be very honest about the answer): is there a solid reason for your unhappiness to disappear?

There are tons of possible reasons, of course — maybe there are hormones involved, and you know that soon things will get better. Maybe you see a therapist, either individually or as a couple. Maybe you’ll make different life choices or develop different habits. It’s not even always about improving your relationship — maybe you’re working on yourself to get a grip on your jealousy or love yourself better. But here’s what’s never a reason: “just because”.

If you let unhappiness fester, there is very little chance of it shrinking. Quite the opposite. Resentment builds. Secret desires build. Anger builds. And eventually, the cocktail of suppressed emotions explodes and you arrive at the point where you part ways. Wishing you’d done it years ago.

If you have the same fight over and over again, but it’s never truly resolved — why do you expect it to be different next time? If you crave a different life — how do you expect your desires to fade, without losing yourself?

You Are Not The Bad One

Dan and I didn’t break up because we had fights. Or because these fights weren’t fun. Or even because we had them over and over. We broke up because we knew — there is no foreseeable path for our disagreements and our unhappiness to end.

We keep telling ourselves things will get better, or things aren’t so bad, because we don’t want to break up. Break-ups are never fun. Besides, as the one making the decision, you might also feel as if you’re the ‘bad one’. More so, if kids are involved. You feel guilty, especially if your reasons don’t seem valid. But it’s your happiness, so of course, they are.

I know it’s tempting to just let things go to waste until it’s undeniable to everyone that breaking up is the best option and you won’t get blamed in the process (in fact, I’ve adopted this strategy in the past). It might seem easier. It also costs you both your happiness.

Be afraid to leave, but when it’s time — do it anyway. After the pain, there is more of life waiting for you. And maybe, in a few years, both of you will be able to look at your lives and think: “We made the right decision.”