Right Swipes and Swiss Knives: On Protection, Parents, and Online Perusal
By: Nuance Media
Tags: Online Dating, Relationships, Parenting, Life Lessons, Love

I take further steps.

What was online chat rooms in childhood turned into dating apps in adulthood. I fostered greater interpersonal skills as I grew up and made friends with the onset of post-secondary life and fewer parental restraints (given I was always kilometres away from my parents). However, intimacy and romance were both things I lacked knowledge and experience in. They were also the things I had been most sheltered and guilted about growing up. Not talking to strangers was one thing; talking to boys was a whole other taboo. There were few options to explore these areas until the last few years.

Online dating apps were the one way for me to experience dating and intimacy without being caught on days I was home. It didn’t feel like lying or hiding because for some time, it didn’t feel real. I was reaching a point in life where everyone around me seemed to have already had experience in dating. I felt that I was missing out, and I knew that I was well groomed, smart and had other formulaic qualities. I’d always shied away from prospects and turned down any dating requests. This was because I knew I had other priorities (that I’ve been conditioned to appreciate as mutually exclusive with romance); and secondly, this was because of the fear of getting caught. My siblings both faced repercussions for dating, and I knew I needed other means to get around this. I told a few friends, for protection’s sake, what I was doing. To them it wasn’t as big a deal as it was for me.

I first tried OkCupid. While I enjoyed the collection of substantial and mature men, I did not like that just about anyone within your desired age and distance range could reach you. I met my long-term and current partner on OkCupid, so things turned out okay. However, before this, I encountered several men who varied from interesting to repulsive. My favourite encounter was the engaged twenty-two-year-old who went to the same place of worship as I did. I dodged a bullet there, for sure. I met chartered accountants and nurses and medical students and artists and musicians — people from all walks of life were speaking to me about so many things, and found me attractive. One man made me a playlist and recommended the best songs to me. This was something that was new and exciting. And most notably, it was liberating. The liberty provided by the internet was giving me a freedom to try something that I had never done before. Now that I spent my life away from home, I had freedom to explore other relationships on my own schedule.

I tried Tinder too. I liked that it was only men I liked, and who had mutual interest, who could message me; however, it was hard to find the ones who were looking for meaningful dates out of those who were simply there for hookups. Again, I appreciated the variety in types and backgrounds and personalities that I encountered on digital dating apps — kind of like the backgrounds I encountered on online chat rooms as a kid. I met so many individuals who I wouldn’t have crossed paths with otherwise, especially in my work-school-home routine.

I had a monopoly of contacts who I spoke to about various things. I had an identity — a name, an age, photos, a location — a step up from previous digital encounters. Personalized conversations provided the depth I desired.

After narrowing down a series of viable prospects from both apps, it came to a point where it was about time for me meet some of these individuals in person. That scared me. I didn’t think to ever act on meeting these individuals, but it was a logical next step. I came close to following through on at least two date propositions, but caved last minute and blocked these men. I didn’t want to be found; it’s like I had residual fear of strangers —as someone who was taught that way as a woman.