5 Life Lessons Told Over 5 Glasses of Wine from a 99-Year Old Filled With Regret
By: Jordan Gross
Tags: Inspiration, Life Lessons, Psychology, Life, Mental Health

2. I Wish I Was More Willing to Forgive

“Lara, I can tell you countless examples of when this applied to my life. Professional, personal, you name it, I was known for holding an intense grudge. But nothing hurts me more than two scenarios in particular. One in which I was unable to forgive my mother. And one in which I was unable to forgive my closest friend.

My mom and I never had a great relationship. She had a very difficult life. My father left before I was even born, so I’m sure that was devastating. Then she’d go from man to man to man searching for love, support, care. But it seemed she always found the wrong one. She always found the abusive types, the drinkers, the yellers, the criminals, the deadbeats. When I was old enough to understand her pattern, I attempted to put an end to it.

When I was 19, I was already off at college, and I came back to my mother overjoyed about having finally found ‘the one.’ A good egg she told me. And he did seem fine, he really did. Until I saw him one night at a local bar with his hands all over a woman who was certainly not my mother.

I told my mom. I had to, I was honest, direct, no matter the consequence. And she berated me. She called me names I had never been called before. She accused me of ruining her happiness. Ruining her life. She told me she never wanted to see me again. So that’s what happened. I never saw her again. I never forgave her for how she reacted to me that day. I learned she died years later. We hadn’t spoken since that day.

The other person I never forgave was my closest friend. I met him at work. He was strikingly handsome, charming, all that good stuff, you know what I mean Lara. But he was not available. He was married to some trust fund baby, and as flirtatious as he always was, I would not stoop so low as to sleep with a married man. After working together for fifteen years, the day finally came where he told me he and his wife were splitting up. This was my chance. I waited a few months before I finally made my move.

We were walking home after a few work drinks as we often did, and I just threw myself at him. I didn’t have a plan because I just expected everything to fall into place. But he rejected my advance. He told me we were better off as friends, and he didn’t see me that way. I flipped.

I brought up every single moment in which I believed I was the one for him, and he apologized for giving off the wrong signs. He asked if we could remain friends still, but I refused. He moved to a different team within the same firm, but we never spoke.

I never forgave him for not feeling about me the way I felt about him. I lost my best friend.

When it comes to my mom Lara, I want to tell you this. Words are more reflective of the person saying them than they are of the person they are directed toward. My mom said nasty nasty things to me, which she probably would have said she didn’t mean had I given her the chance to apologize. But what I realized was that her words were more reflective of how she felt about herself. They revealed her insecurities, her flaws, her hidden beliefs about the life she was living. When you feel like you cannot forgive somebody because of the words they said, please remember this.

The situation with my best friend is complex. But my main message is this. You want to be surrounded by people who make you a better person. Don’t push people away who make you better. Situations change, feelings change, we must adapt and accept change. I was resistant to change because I was so certain about the future. My interpretation of the future. I wish I could have put my ego, my pride, my feelings aside and just be friends with him, because my life was honestly worse off without him.

Forgive for you, Lara, not for others. Living with the pain of losing somebody because of a grudge or vendetta, or a feeling that I could not control, well it almost killed me on several occasions.”

Lara simply smiled and filled their third glass with a Riesling, a smooth white wine.