The Baby is Here
By: That Princess
Tags: Birth, Parenthood, Breastfeeding, Newborn

The husband and I went to the hospital last Monday (my exact due date) for our doctor’s appointment with the plan that if all is fine we schedule an induction for 2 days later, but the baby turned out to be already 3.715kg from the more detailed ultrasound scan (the previous scanes done in the doc’s office were way off). So we checked in the hospital for induction on the night of the same day. I was 1cm dilated upon admission, and only 3cm 24 hours later. But it was progress enough for epidural and manual water break. They did that and we waited again with oxytocin added to the mix. Only 4cm another 6 hours later. Then baby heart rate suddenly dropped because of frequent contraction (1 minute apart). All hands on deck situation, we had all the oncall docs and 3 nurses in our ward, brought back the baby heart rate within 5 minutes. Was scary as fuck. But the dilation after the episode was 8cm. Then we stopped all the induction drug and the labor halted with it. 8cm for the next 4+ hours. My surgeon father consulted his Ob friend decided it’s too much risk to wait. He suggested to go ahead with the c-section. We asked the doc on-call. She called our ob at 4am. The ob decided to go ahead with the emergency C-section. By 5am the baby was born.

Day 1

After the initial aww of this new being – her tiny fingers and tiny nose, the warm touch of her skin and her built-in ability to suckle when placed on my breast, the immediate next question is “how do I feed her?”. I squeezed and squeezed and nothing came out of my breast. I felt silly. What kind of mother doesn’t have milk for her baby?! I called the nurse, the nurse said it’s normal as it takes a few days for the milk to come in. I knew that, but I didn’t think seriously I’d need to wait. I thought my milk will just magically come in. It didn’t. We asked the nurse what to do while we wait, she said give her formula. My heart sinks hearing the F word. I was told breastmilk and breastfeeding by all my girlfriends and the prenatal class. Breastmilk, breastmilk, breastmilk. It’s been hammered in me so deep that the sound of formula is terrifying. The rational part of me goes “what are the alternatives if not formula? Letting the baby starve is certainly worse” and the emotional part of me was like “formula on day 1 seriously?”.

The husband lent a hand to the rational part of me and made it very clear that baby shouldn’t starve. The plan is to continue latching her whenever she’s hungry, even if the breast doesn’t produce any milk, and cup feeding her formula afterwards. The latching provides stimulation which encourages milk production. Cup feeding instead of bottle prevents the baby from getting used to rubber tits which are easier to suckle than mum’s tits. The husband took it upon himself to learn to cup feed the baby and every nurse seems to be impressed by how hands-on he is. He thinks it’s ridiculous how low the expectation is on fathers compared to mothers. I feel lucky and happy watching him cup feeding the baby and changing her diapers.

End of the day, still no milk.

Because of the c-section birth, I was stuck in bed all day. Having the catheter means I don’t need to go to the toilet to pee — thank goodness. But I’m starting to get a sore butt from sitting and laying in bed all day. Also, the whole birthing process including day 1 of recovery is really an undignified business, everybody has seen your private parts and nurses take shifts to change my sanitary pads and wipe me down. On the bright side, the baby is out.

Day 2

The breakdown came crashing down. No milk still. I knew it takes days and could be even slower for c-section births. But seeing the baby suckles for an hour without actually getting anything and cries for more breaks my heart. It makes me feel like a failure. I’m the only one in this world she expects food from but I failed to provide. I cried and cried regardless of what the rational part of me tries to tell myself or what the husband said as an attempt to help. My emotions were out of control. When my ob came in the morning during her rounds, she asked how I was feeling, I responded with more tears without a word. The husband had to explain that I was upset because I have no milk. She reassured me that it takes time and the milk will eventually come in. She told us a story she read about a mother insisting on feeding her baby only breastmilk without any formula top-up and the baby eventually died of dehydration. She acknowledge the pressure to breastfeed is tremendous, but we should still do what’s best for the baby. In the end, she reassured me again that it’s normal and it takes time, and said that she’ll send a lactation consultant. The rest of the day was still spent in distress because of the lack of milk, but what the doc said provided comfort indeed.

I was allowed and encouraged to get out of bed and start walking. I did exactly that as soon as I’m allowed to move. The pain was surprisingly minor and walking around makes me feel better, physically and psychologically. I guess when your world is confined within the bed you lay on plus sleep deprivation, your problems get disproportionally enlarged.

Day 3

We are discharged from the hospital. My father and grandma are flying out in the afternoon. I wish they could have stayed longer, especially grandma. It’s heartbreaking that she only got to see her great-granddaughter a total of 3 times before she has to go. I’m concerned about her health and if she can come back to visit us again. I promise myself that we will make an effort to not only visit but also spend time with her in China every year if she can’t visit us anymore. We both want our child to get to know her super awesome great-grandmother in person.

The baby is sleeping peacefully in the cot that’s way too big for her current size. The husband and I walk in her nursery in the early afternoon light. The husband hugs me tight and starts sobbing. I think it’s tears that he wasn’t aware that was possible, because I saw how he handled her in the hospital, the way he looked at her and the fatherness she has brought out of him. It was such a tender moment I will never forget. I knew he would be a great father. And I tell him that while hugging him beside our daughter’s cot, you are the best father ever. I love you.

Day 4

Auntie Ester is our confinement nanny. She arrived yesterday after grandma and father left. She got to work immediately after we settled the paperwork with her boss who came with her. She talks to the baby like she’s talking to an adult and sings to her when bathing her. She helped me with breast feeding and stayed up to accompany me during late night feeding sessions. The food she cooked so far is delicious. She shows understanding when dealing with the grandparents, especially both grandmas by letting them hold the baby and burp the baby. Overall she’s been really awesome. I’m really glad we made the decision to hire a nanny and lucky that we ended up with her.

When she checked my breast today she said there’s already foremilk, which means I might already have the hindmilk that can satisfy the baby better. Since it’s the first time we are going to bathe the baby, we want her to be reasonably satisfied food wise, so we decided to latch, suppliment a smaller than usual amount and if she’s still hungry, latch again. So we latched the baby for 20 minutes on the right breast which is slightly blocked and harder to get milk out. While auntie Ester was burping the baby, she asked to hand express milk from the same breast. The milk came out in big drops and within 2 minutes I collected 6ml in a bottle. The milk is milky white with a tint of yellow. Auntie said it’s hindmilk and suggest that I latch the baby some more on the same breast. So we did another 20 minutes. The baby dosed off but of course wasn’t fully satisfied and made that clear by crying during burping. Auntie Ester then topped up 60ml of formula (she was already on 75ml of formula top-up before she was discharged from hospital, and went up to 150ml in the early morning feeds with 1.5 hrs apart). Magically, she was calm and no longer looking for more food after that!

She let out a few cries when water first touched her, but then she was totally calm in the bath until the end. Then she was nicely swaddled and ready for bedtime. But, she started looking for food ☹ Auntie said we could potentially calm her with a bit of food, latching or formula. I decided to latch the other breast and surprisingly after 10 minutes she dozed off and slept for 4 hours!

I’m so happy that my breast milk works. The husband said that it’s the happiest he’s seen me since the baby was born, despite how tired I still look. I can’t describe the joy, it just that knowing my milk has the potential to provide generate this sense of contentment.

Here, a bundle of happiness, in a bottle.