I always believed my brain and mind worked completely differently than other people.
By: Maui Ruby
Tags: Brain, PTSD, Mental Health

I always believed my brain and mind worked completely differently than other people. I considered myself not normal.

My father and I have always been close. He’s my hero and he’s very understanding.

My mother had a gambling problem, and some undiagnosed mental disorder. She and I favor in looks, but mostly we both are easy to anger. She and I did not get along in my childhood. I resented her for leaving my father (she came back years later.) I just never liked her personality… Yet I am her.

Growing up, I hung out with the wrong crowd and was involved with sex and drugs at 13 years young. I was groomed by men, and manipulated by men and friends. In fact, I never had friends. I always consider them simply as a human being that I have little to frequent encounters with. To me, a friend is someone I trust not to tell some very deep secrets I still keep with me. I have high standards set for what a friend is to me. I have very little “friends.”

My father always told me he believed I had ADD and was Bipolar. I always suffered intense high’s and low’s. I was very confused as a child because I never understood why my emotional responses never had a stop button. I got mad at things for no reason at all. I caused pain and chaos to my family. I ruined dinners, holiday events, family gatherings, you name it. Just for my angry outbursts. I would get so angry, I would yell constantly and screamed like a brat. I couldn’t handle the sound of chewing or plates scraping, these noises exacerbated my already intense anger tolerance. I was always depressed and suicidal. My parents made me feel like I had no reason, which I believed there were none at some point. However, I had a few incidents occur which completely changed who I am today.

I sexually harassed by my manager at my first job. He would always take me to the back and touch me every place my confused, naive, little old me let him. He always slipped money in my bra, he always watched me leave and begged me to stay at his motel he owned with him. I was very sexually active at this age, I had slept with maybe 15 guys of different ages at this time. I was angry and impulsive. I stole friends car, snuck out at night, and was constantly getting involved with the horrible crowd. I was trying to be independent but was to naive to understand the true danger of this evil, cruel world.

When I was young I had an iphone and took pictures of myself naked to edit a bikini on myself. Didn’t work and I deleted it. Years later an ugly autistic grown man befriends me. I allow this because I had such a kind heart and believed 99% of the population are nice people. WRONG. He messages me on facebook saying someone was going to post my nudes if I don’t give this other dude my password. I egged him on because I knew I had never sent a nude before so thought I caught his bluff. WRONG AGAIN. He posts it! Yep, that little girl in the mirror who just wanted to fit in with the skinny girl bikini community. Dad and I ended up getting two detectives because they both were convinced I sent the pictures somehow and it leaked. Only “proof” is my phone messages proving I was sexually active and involved with older men, drugs, etc. Dad was pissed because their jobs were to find out how this sucker got it. Moments later a policeman asked me to sit a computer and pull up the nude photo. Next thing I know I’m surrounded by other cops who are laughing and even taking pictures of my pictures. I understood what Shame felt like. Also, I did end up proving it was him but the detectives didn’t care, and I had no proof for the dumb cops so nothing was done either.

I use to have an 86 year old stalker. Would wait outside for me at work and my home. He would send me 10+ pages front and back on a legal paper of his dying love for me. These never ending letters consisted of the nastiest fantasies a disabled old man could ever dream.

I was asleep when I awoke to someone tickling my feet. His hands feeling up my legs. I finally woke up to a man in front of my bed with a strong alcohol smell not even 1 foot away. I was convinced it was my brother, or his friend. He got away.

I wanted to get out of this shit town. Everyone loved meth, tractors, and incests. I went to college, I had a dream. I made a friend with one guy. Man, he truly was my definition of a friend. later on he did admit he had feelings but never pursued more since I was always clear that we were friends only. One day he comes to my apartment at night, we drink but I know my limits. I wasn’t DRUNK, i felt good. I could walk in a straight line but may slur because I cant gather my thoughts fast enough. However, I was definitely sober enough to reject someone I had no interest in. Which my “friend” couldn’t accept. I was raped. He went to jail for 3 months and year probation.

This was my last straw. I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression/anxiety, and ADD. I saw a psychiatrist and psychologist and was on meds for my add. My life from that day has experienced some hard shit. I was so suicidal. I was always convinced I was crazy because I always had my bipolar episodes where I was angry, So when I was triggered, I was an angry beast also having an anxiety attack.

My thoughts are always racing. I suck at paying attention to reading and people talking. I’m playing scenarios in my head 24/7. I feel like I’m going crazy because I can never control my thoughts that can say the most horrible things about and to yourself. I have a hard time trusting people, I’m always aware of my surroundings yet I’m extremely forgetful. I’ve had one too many comments about my short attention span. It’s very humiliating.

I get Anxiety attacks weekly or monthly depending on if I get triggered. Not only do I get triggered from my sexual assault traumas, but now I even get panic attacks when I’m driving. I was involved in multiple car accidents days apart which made me even more paranoid of this world. When I step outside, I’m always preparing for the worst. Am I going to get kidnapped? Am I going to get hit? It never ends. I’m always playing multiple scenarios in my head of the possible outcomes of any possible random situation.

I just wish I could control my anger. I never think before I speak which makes me even more imprudent. I hate it. hate it hate it hate it.