The future of marriage
By: The Rsa
Tags: Marriage, Weddings

The future of marriage

Wedded union is viewed as the pinnacle of self-expression but, as marriage rates decline, are we increasingly trying to find meaning elsewhere? The RSA Follow Nov 21, 2019 · 3 min read

by Mandy Len Catron

@LenMandy

We are living in a strange moment in the history of the institution of marriage.

Pro-marriage researchers point to declining marriage rates as a sign of impending social collapse. At the same time, a high-profile celebrity wedding can hijack the news cycle for days. Depending on who you ask, we are either obsessed with marriage or totally over it. But maybe there is something else going on.

Take, if you will, the weddings of the pop-rock trio the Jonas Brothers. Back in May, Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner made headlines when they got hitched at A Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas. The 15-minute ceremony was officiated by an Elvis impersonator and followed by photos on a pink Cadillac. And, in true 21st century style, it was broadcast live on Instagram by the DJ Diplo.

Compare this to the wedding of Joe’s younger brother Nick, who married actress Priyanka Chopra in not one, but two, massive ceremonies, one in North Carolina with his family and another in India with hers, both extensively documented in People magazine. The New York Times reported that, “When it comes to weddings, each Jonas brother has a style.”

Such effusive wedding coverage may be the norm but it reflects a distinctively modern ideology of marriage. We have not always thought of weddings as a means of individual self-expression. My parents, for example, had a double wedding with my mother’s sister and her fiancé. When the ceremony ended, they walked downstairs and cut the cake in the church basement. It makes for a sweet story but it was ultimately a pragmatic choice: two weddings for the price of one.

These days, we want much more than pragmatism from our weddings, and the marriages that follow. Just as we view the modern wedding as a means of self-expression, the modern marriage is a means of becoming the best version of yourself. Here is someone who will talk politics over breakfast, share a subscription to the New Yorker and help pay off the rest of your student loans! Together, you will take up rock climbing and never forget to send flowers for your mother’s birthday.

This version of marriage sounds good but it comes with a hidden cost. Psychologists and sociologists observe that, increasingly, we look to our marriages to meet almost all of our emotional, social and financial needs, needs we once expected an entire community to fulfil. But many people lack the time and energy required to achieve this kind of marriage. It is hard to schedule regular date nights when you are busy caring for children or working a second shift. It is hard to make time for self-actualisation when you are focused on making the rent. In truth, this modern marriage does not fit with how many of us live our lives.

Looked at this way, it seems declining marriage rates and our obsession with celebrity weddings are both intrinsically linked to our sky-high expectations for marriage.

The institution of marriage is not going away any time soon; but we should not be surprised that so many people are finding other ways to make a meaningful life.

Mandy Len Catron is an author and journalist. Her most recent book is How to Fall in Love with Anyone.

This article first appeared in the RSA Journal Issue 3 2019