What Men Had To Say About The Messages They’ve Gotten Around Masculinity
By: Elle Beau
Tags: Self, Essay, Writing Prompts, Masculinity, Men

The responses to my writing prompt

Photo by Tim Bogdanov on Unsplash

On February 28th I asked guys to write something about the types of messaging that they’ve gotten about what it means to be a man. This was a companion piece to a similar writing prompt for women. Here’s a link to what the women said, but the response from the men was even more varied and I heard from more of them.

I got responses from 7 men in the form of stories and 3 with long comments. Thanks to Saroosh, Garrison Black, Brian Fehler, Wyatt Edward Gates, Pablo Pereyra, Patrick weseman, Michael Murphy, Dave Murray, and patrick clarke for giving us your thoughts and sharing your experiences.

by Saroosh

“I was a late bloomer, not really looking at girls until age fourteen. This worried her, getting me quizzed regularly and sometimes asked if I was gay. At 12 or 13 I discovered that she had gotten me a subscription to playboy. The first time she spotted me with a girl she kicked into overdrive. The first sign was the box of condoms I came home to find on my bed. This was soon followed by periodic bursts of unwelcome questions and even less welcome advice.”

by Garrison Black

“Men are often told to be emotionally impenetrable to the point of being near automatons. So in control of our emotions that no one should ever be able to detect what we are feeling. Whether we’re happy, sad, scared, overjoyed, depressed, or terrified on the inside the outside should only show cool, calm, and collected. Visible emotions are a no-no, especially crying. Crying is for girls.

In fact, the only real emotion men are expected to show is anger.”

by Brian Fehler

“Those are the types of aggressions that friends and allies outside the LGBTQ community see and recognize as harmful.

Less visible to those friends and allies are the deeply-ingrained attitudes that inform our social norms and interactions. Interactions that may seem harmless, may even seem playful or friendly, but are really acts of harmful policing of gay men’s masculinity, a policing that needs to stop.”

“I couldn’t make out the words over the chatter of my teammates at first, but I could tell Dad was angry.

Then the coach said, louder, spitting out the words: “Not a kid like that, I don’t. I don’t need sissies on this team!”

by Wyatt Edward Gates

“It isn’t just sports, though, but all things: the Real Man must always compete in all things as if his identity depended on it, because for Real Men, it does. That same former SEAL I mentioned earlier was asked ‘what is life like as a SEAL?’ His one sentence answer was ‘you compete in all things, constantly.’ Competition is part of the nucleus of manhood. Nothing matters for its own sake, only winning matters. If there is no way to win at it then it isn’t for men. E.g. dancing for the sake of enjoying the motion of bodies is feminine, but dancing to get an award can be coerced into the manhood script.”

by James Knight

“Where did the bullshit originate that says that men do not have emotional needs just like women do? That “manly men” do not show emotional weaknesses. That men aren’t allowed to cry. That “real” men are not sensitive. That men have to always be tough.

Young boys, like girls, cry and are emotional by nature. But their parents, especially their dad, tells them that men are tough and shouldn’t cry. If you cry, you are a “sissy”. Men suck it up and don’t show their emotions.”

By Pablo Pereyra

“Mea Culpa: My mother would tell me, girls in clubs are sinful and easy, never go with a girl you have met at a club. There was no need to worry, I would never learn how to talk to those beautiful women dancing and expressing themselves as people, and not as objects to be consumed. How do you talk to an object?”

by Patrick weseman

“It happens to me all the time. I am told that I am not tough enough because I don’t go around acting macho all the time. I am just me and I try to be calm and think things out instead of acting on my primal urges. I just try to be me.

Also, being a person of color you are supposed to have an image and I don’t have one. I am a simple man who dresses simply. I have no piercings, no tattoos or anything like that. I don’t spend a lot on haircuts and nothing is matched.”

by Michael Murphy

“My mother was more pro-active in trying to define who I would be as a man than my father and grandfather. I think that my Mother felt gender repression. She often said, “I should have been born a man so that I could have been a General.” This motivated her to push me to grow up prematurely. I think she wanted me to fulfill her disappointments concerning my father. My dad was often on job assignments out of town and he was the quiet type who didn’t talk too much about feelings or manly expectations or anything like that.”

by Dave Murray

“Fatherless, my primary male influences in childhood were my maternal grandfather, born at the end of the 19th century (a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do), uncles, scout leaders, coaches and my male friends who were under the influence of working class fathers. Maleness in the form that is criticised on Medium. Then came my drill instructors. I cannot over emphasize their influence. It was beyond what they understood as their goal was to make me a Marine. They had just returned from Vietnam. Harsh fighting on the rock pile.”

by patrick clarke