Awareness of Suffering
By: Bruce Noll
Tags: Suffering, Life, Self, Awareness, Compassion

Truth is often said to be relative, and as true as that may be, each of us has our own perception of what is true for us at this moment. For me, at this moment, what is true aligns with the idea that it isn’t what happens to me that matters, but what matters is what I do with what happens to me.

Kaylee was a red and white border collie whom my ex-wife rescued a number of years ago. She quickly became a part of our family, the canine part along with felines, and humans. Kaylee was trained as a therapy dog, subsequently offering her grace, kindness, and unique beauty in service to people of all kinds. She soothed people who were under stress for any number of reasons associated with aging, loneliness, travel, study, healing, etc. and she always showed up. She was eager to perform and when her time to retire had come, accepted it with dignity.

She was part of our family, even or especially, when our family dissolved. Kaylee was keen to please, to soften the ills of our positions of separation. I don’t know if she much cared where she was as long as she was loved and cared for…which she was, no matter where she was.

There is so much more to paint on the canvass of this story but now is not the time or place. There is something of greater importance revealed in this not so uncommon scenario of pets and their owners. When it was time for Kaylee to transition to her next energetic place, she would leave behind a level of grief that for long periods of time was/is almost unbearable. The memories of that loss do fade with the passing of time but, are incredibly intense and bring with them not only a sense of loss, but also profound stress, sadness, and suffering.

The event was inevitable and while living with her here in our midst was filled with joy, laughter, surprise, and sorrow, I knew this time would one day come. Her transition caused trauma in our lives. Blame and guilt for her, perhaps, premature demise would fall on me. I can accept what is projected onto me as I know the source of that projection. I am also aware of most of the consequences and so I sit in awareness of this circumstance.

The circumstance of how all of this occurred is less important than how the brokenness is handled. I cannot replace her. Nor would I ever try. Kaylee’s uniqueness was incomparable…as is ours and the grief associated with her loss is deep and so often hard to express. AND, it is one moment of awareness that I cannot stop the world from turning and I have little control over what happens. So, all I can do is be aware of “what is,’ remember fondly “what was,” and work toward living and preparing for “what will be” by being the best “I am” in this time.

All of this brings me to a different state of being. Being compassionate with myself means considering the suffering I am seeing in myself and others in these moments of loss. Suffering, to me, is the difference between “what is” and what I want it to be. Having compassion for myself during these periods of stress is a practice ultimately leading to growth in my compassion for others. The wisdom of knowing more about who I am in situations like this allows me to serve others with greater empathy.

I believe the tears will fade with the passing of time. I recognize I could stay in this state of depression regarding the loss of my beautiful friend and companion thus extending the suffering. I also recognize that others will handle their grief differently and that is okay.

Kaylee 2017 (photo by author)

What remains for me is compassion, love, and the quality of life that accompanies the practice of sitting in this place of adversity, anguish, misery, and misfortune. For I know what serves me best is to experience this “is-ness” and get from it what I am meant to learn…AND I can choose if I want to, not to remain in this place forever, but to move on to another place populated with love and gratitude. I did after all have the opportunity to sow and know love with this amazing animal. Even if I wasn’t perfect at that time…I was enough then, as I am today.

I choose to honor Kaylee’s life here and to thank her for her service to humanity. You were magnificent! May you rest in peace.