Ed’s Favorite Things
By: Edward Anderson
Tags: Sexuality, Food, LGBTQ, Satire

Ed’s Favorite Things

What should we be buying this year?

Photo by Prem Pal Singh from Pexels

It’s that time of year again. When talk show hosts beg sponsors to make them look generous, they try to give away the most expensive item like they’re Elon Musk dressed as Santa. But sexier…. or less sexy. Someone tell me that answer.

Let’s be real though, as much as we dream of Elon Musk coming down our chimney, if he actually did, we’d be skeeved out. And none of us are billionaires, though if one is reading this, reach out. Let’s talk.

Don’t judge me. True crime doesn’t pay enough to cover my tequila bill. What if it did, though? That would be really cool. And my freezer would be stocked to the gills with that, instead of the frozen meals from earlier this year when I thought being ‘healthy’ was the right way to go.

So don’t expect anything healthy on this list. It’s published in The Bad Influence, for goodness sake. That would be like going to McDonald’s and ordering a McVodka. Everyone knows Wendy’s has the best vodka.

Here we go:

Alone Time

It’s just us here; we can confess that the pandemic has been hard on us. Being surrounded by family and friends is a great thing in a normal year. But when we’re locked down and forced to see them daily, great is not the word I would use.

The best thing to give a special person in your life is your absence. It makes the heart grow three sizes or something. This has nothing to do with whether the person loves you or not and everything to do with how irritating you are. Asking if they really need another drink is not helpful. We’re in a pandemic; alcohol kills germs. Getting drunk is just following the doctor’s advice.

Remember, A shot of Apple Schnapps day keeps corona away.

Plus, there is something to be said for chucking off clothes and laying in bed or on the couch with no fabric over your body. Even taking a dip in the local lake can be fun without clothes until the police show up unless one is hot.

Sex Toys

Boredom hit news highs in 2020. Stuck at home, couldn’t go anywhere, what else was there to do but connect physically? But it turns out that not everyone likes sex, which is just something else to talk about entirely.

The answer is easy. Break up. Or go down to your local “adult” store. There’s no good reason you can’t go in there and get tools to help your partner deal with their physical needs.

When you go this route, it is advisable that you also give your loved one the first gift; alone time. Unless you’re a person who likes watching, then grab some popcorn and extra butter for lube. You all will have a great time with that.

Also, make sure to have rags to clean things up. Because no one wants a popcorn grease, sex toy fueled mess to clean up.

Alcohol

Don’t look so surprised. I have mentioned alcohol every 100 words or so. I don’t know if that’s right or not; I’m a true crime writer, not some math guy. How does one become a math guy? Give up alcohol, no way.

Booze is the perfect go-to gift. Most everyone loves it. It’s easily available, even in a pandemic. In New York and Michigan, both states I spent time in this year, liquor stores were considered essential. And trust me, I single-handedly kept my local store going.

This is the perfect gift to go along with alone time and sex toys. When all three are combined, well, only it’s like when Britney sings. It even becomes a religious experience, or at least I call out for God.

Don’t side-eye me. Santa has you on his naughty list because of your social media posts. If he were given some tequila, he wouldn’t remember who was naughty or nice. Or maybe he would compromise and let you be both.

Final Thoughts

2020 sucked. But there were glimmers of hope in this year. Murder hornets appeared, disappeared, reappeared, and were gone again. Like my sobriety. Whoever wrote this year lost the plotline and always seemed to fall back on the coronavirus, but they have been fired.

2021 promises to be a better year. New vintages of wine will be coming out, movies will debut on streaming services rather than theaters, so no more of those pesky indecent exposure charges are piling up. And maybe people will watch movies with me again, but probably not.

That’s it. These are my favorite things this year. Now I am off to enjoy some bourbon that was hidden from me.

Cheers.