The Best Scary Movies to Watch Based on Your Astrological Sign
By: E.E.W. Christman
Tags: Humor, Movies, Film, Halloween, Horror

It’s that beautiful time of year, when Horror Fanatics like myself get to strut our stuff and gush over all things scary. October is the one time of the year my mad devotion to the macabre and the horrifying seems almost appropriate.

For Quarantween this year, movie marathons are the safe and responsible way to celebrate Halloween. But how do you navigate the sea of options available to you? How do you know what will wet your whistle, and what will suck the joy right out of you?

Why, the stars, of course! The answer is always in the stars!

Think of this as a Halloween horoscope for scary movies. Enjoy!

Aries (March 21st — April 19th)

Uncomplicated and straightforward, you get frustrated when something is too nuanced. Being the first sign of the wheel, you learn nothing from your previous season’s sign, because there is no previous sign for you. You barrel into the future with confidence and optimism; a true fire sign! Save the mind games, and bring on the gore!

Army of Darkness — Really, you’d probably be happy with either this or Evil Dead 2, but this camp classic goes just a bit harder. Dawn of the Dead (2004 remake) — There is no preamble; the action begins immediately! Friday the 13th — You’ll appreciate the simplistic format and steady pace of this classic teen slasher.

Taurus (April 20th — May 20th)

Considered to be the most sensual of the zodiac, earth-sign Taureans simply enjoy the finer things, whether that be a long bath, a good meal, a serene environment, or a tender partner. Slasher flicks and gore porn are not your style; you’re more of a vampire wrapped in lace and satin kind of bull. You appreciate well written dialogue and romantic narratives more than straight-up violence.

Crimson Peak — Dark and seductive, this modern haunted house film has a (nearly) suffocating Victorian atmosphere. Bram Stoker’s Dracula — The iconic adaptation of the novel. Who doesn’t love a sexy vampire? Rebecca — Hitchcock’s adaptation of the Daphne du Maurier gothic novel is one of his best movies. Dark and creepy; plus its got a happy ending (sort of).

Gemini (May 21st — June 20th)

Oh, loquacious Gemini, the first of our air signs. Innovative, playful, and curious, you are at your best when deep in conversation with someone. You will talk to anyone about anything. You enjoy high-energy films with a creative flourish. Dialogue-heavy is a bonus!

The Rocky Horror Picture Show (live) — You might have performed in one of these. If not, you’ll still get a kick out of the audience participation. For Quarantween, watch with friends online! The Faculty — Teachers are basically from another planet. Scream — Wes Craven’s modern classic that revitalized the slasher genre. You’ll love the fast pace and the introspective nature of this movie.

Cancer (June 21st — July 22nd)

The cardinal water sign, you’re empathic and intuitive, finding it easy to pick up on energies and feelings. You are also very invested in self-care and comfort. Straight up horror movies are a hard sell for you. You prefer something atmospheric…either that, or a nostalgia-brain-bender that’ll make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside (probably the ladder).

Beetlejuice — Ghosts, ghouls, and Catherine O’Hara. It’s showtime! Coraline — Based on Neil Gaiman’s book by the same name, this stop-motion family film is a spooky delight! Anna and the Apocalypse — It’s a zombie movie. No, it’s a Christmas movie…wait, it’s a musical? It’s all those things!

BONUS! Over The Garden Wall — This is not a movie. It’s a Cartoon Network miniseries with autumnal, Halloween vibes and a lot of heartwarming moments that will probably only make you cry a little.

Leo (July 23rd — August 22nd)

Dazzling and divalicious, you Leos love the spotlight. You are celestial royalty, and I’m guessing you want one thing from horror movies: scares, and lots of ’em. In a perfect world, you’d be watching something absolutely spine chilling with a group of shrieking friends while showing off how brave you are by not jumping out of your skin. Unfortunately, this world is far from perfect, but at least these movies have jump scares galore!

The Grudge (2004 remake) — This American remake of Takashi Shimizu’s Ju-On retains a lot of the straight-to-video film’s charm. Paranormal Activity 3 — While being the third in a horror series doesn’t usually bode well, this installment of the franchise has some of the best jump scares. The Strangers — Just a good, old fashioned vacation-story gone horribly wrong.

Virgo (August 23rd — September 22nd)

Meticulous and detail-oriented, you don’t need a lot of violence or gore in your spooky celebrations. You like a thoughtful film with a lot of beautiful and intricate details, and a plot that ties together neatly at the end. You thoroughly enjoy a slow burn.

The Witch — This dark New England fairy tale takes “detail-oriented” to the extreme; you will probably need to watch this one more than once to absorb everything. The Orphanage — A Spanish supernatural horror story that centers around a woman trying to buy the orphanage in which she was raised. A Dark Song — What could be worse than summoning demons to exact revenge upon the people who killed your son? Summoning angels, apparently.

Libra (September 23rd — October 22nd)

You’d think that since I’m a Libra, this would be easy for me. WRONG, because I like all the horror movies. Also, all Libras are plagued with indecisiveness; how can I choose just 3?! Whose idea was this?

Luckily, I can narrow it down keeping a few things in mind: us Libras are ruled by love, beauty, and intellectualism. The only thing we like more than sounding smart is looking smart. We gravitate to the critically acclaimed and the arthouse classics.

Alien — One of the most acclaimed films in the horror genre, everything from the set design to the music is intended to terrify. A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night — Marketed as “the first Iranian vampire Western,” this genre-blending modern classic from Ana Lily Amirpour is a must-see. The Host — From the incredible Bong Joon-ho, The Host balances political commentary, creature feature, and comedy effortlessly.

Scorpio (October 23rd — November 21st)

You’re a little misunderstood, eh, Scorpio? Have you ever been accused of scheming, plotting or being otherwise nefarious and sinister? Unlike other water signs, you have a trademark sting; you know what you want, and you’ll fight for it. You’re always one step ahead, working hard toward your goals. You appreciate a horror movie that doesn’t show all its cards, and love having a mystery to unravel.

Ringu — The movie that popularized J-horror across the globe and inspired an American remake whose success led to several other Western adaptations (The Grudge, Pulse, etc.). A spooky ghost story with big detective energy. Suspiria (1977) — Dario Argento’s cult classic centers around a ballet academy that is anything but normal. You would probably enjoy the 2018 remake as well. The Autopsy of Jane Doe — A simple autopsy becomes sinister very quickly.

Sagittarius (November 22nd — December 21st)

You’re high energy and sharp as a whip, and look for movies with a similar vibe. Anything too slow makes you feel bogged down, and anything too simple bores you. And you’ll never say no to a good pun (after all, Sagittarians are the comedians of the zodiac). While comedy has its place, you don’t like a cheap trick. If it’s a funny horror movie, it better be very good.

Get Out — A perfect balance of horror and action, this thematically poignant film from Jordan Peele seamlessly weaves social critique into each scare, and still manages to be effortlessly funny. Battle Royale — In this slasher dystopia, misbehaving students are pitted against each other in a fight to the death. The Cabin in the Woods — Introspective and charming, this horror movie also functions as a commentary on the genre.

Capricorn (December 22nd — January 19th)

Goal-oriented Caps are often accused of being cold and aloof. However, you have an emotional depth that often alludes your first impressions. That being said, you prefer things that are grounded in reality to the supernatural. You probably listen to a lot of murder podcasts and watch Unsolved Mysteries. You enjoy murder mysteries and most likely, you’ve got a favorite TV detective (“Just one more thing,” you say to your uncomprehending friends).

The Silence of the Lambs — This modern classic has not one, but two serial killers! What a bargain! Halloween — An iconic October treat from John Carpenter about an escaped killer on the hunt in the suburbs. Misery — This psychological thriller from Rob Reiner is based on the Stephen King book by the same name. “I’m your biggest fan” has never been more menacing.

Aquarius (January 20th — February 18th)

…You’re kind of a weirdo, Aquarius. And we love you for it! You’re the rebel of the zodiac, and are often accused of eccentricity. As far as movies go, your tastes run from eclectic to just plain odd. You’ve always got a recommendation that no one in the room has ever heard of. Quality is not necessarily what you’re looking for; whether it’s a cult classic or an amazingly bad flick, you prize originality over all else.

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats — Called “a major classic in the what-were-they-thinking school of horror,” this low-budget 70’s horror film is exactly what the title says it is: it’s a bed, and it eats. Vampire’s Kiss — This Nicolas Cage vehicle was a box office flop, but has become a cult favorite. It is also the originator of, like, all the memes. Troll 2 — While not actually a sequel to the 1986 fantasy film Troll, this weird movie is also the subject of a documentary (Best Worst Movie). It is bizarre, surreal, and highly quotable.

Pisces (February 19th — March 20th)

We have come to our last constellation: magical, mystical, ethereal Pisces. You often get swallowed up by whatever you’re watching, so you tend to prefer things with a happy ending (or at least nothing too horrible). Empathic and compassionate, gore porn is also not really your thing. Spooky settings and Halloween vibes are chill, though, and you enjoy the highly contemplative.