Facing Trauma
By: The Depressed Millennial
Tags: Trauma, Music, Mental Health, Education, Mediocrity

Author’s Note: Trigger warning: mental health issues / suicide / emotional abuse

Writings here are purely of the writer’s own thoughts and are no way affiliated with any organisations the writer is associated with.

I’ve been given this almost impossible task of facing my trauma by my therapist. Perhaps by writing about it can I fully give myself the closure I badly need.

trauma: noun. emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may lead to long-term neurosis.

Yeah, the events of the past few years have definitely left a profound impact on me, and stressful was a gross understatement. Let’s go straight into it, shall we.

It all started with an Instagram DM from a close friend, who I met in an orchestra years prior. I played the violin then, and he, the double bass. He sent me a video of him playing Monti’s Czardas on double bass, telling me that he is continuing with our czardas dream. I died a little inside, as I reminisced about our conversations about working on a violin-bass duet. I then asked him, if he was curious about the real reason I made a largely permanent switch to percussion.

“It’s the trauma”, I told him.

The year was 2003. Little Kim touched the instrument for the first time, enthralled by the beautiful sounds her teacher made on it, aspiring to one day be as good as her teacher. Alas, her mother did not see it that way, and pushed little Kim to do grades, one ABRSM grade a year.

She would scold me if I did not practice that week, chiding, “Stop wasting my money!” or threatening, “I’ll stop your lessons if you don’t practice!” or remind me how privileged I am by telling me not all kids get violin lessons. I even dreaded going to lessons at one point after all this, as I always felt so glad if there was no lesson on that particular weekend due to whatever reason. So, by the end of primary school, I completed up to grade 4.

Fast forward to secondary school, I chanced upon Mendelssohn’s Violin Concerto in E minor, and I was awed by Janine Jansen’s rendition. It was so soulful and beautiful. I wanted to get this good and play it, I told myself. I guess this was the moment I realised, I actually loved the instrument, not because of my mother or the grades. But the damage was done, I have already internalised the equating of good player to high grades. I went back to the music school, and begged my teacher to teach me that Mendelssohn Concerto. But she told me “this is beyond your skill level, why don’t you continue on this Suzuki book?”. I was crushed. But still determined. My minimal efforts did pay off, and by the time I left secondary school, my skill did improve and I did my grade 6 exam a year after I left secondary school and entered polytechnic.

Your teenage years are supposed to be one of the best years of your life, they say. It is true, they were some of my best, but also some of my worst. These were the years where my life was the most turbulent and when all the stressful events happened. My relationship with music became closely intertwined with my academics and my relationship with my then boyfriend (now ex). Perhaps this was why I saw the symbolism in putting down the violin for percussion. It’s a new beginning.

In polytechnic, I wanted to try new things. I rebelliously signed up for dangerous contact sports, and among other time consuming activities, the String Ensemble. I had never been in any musical ensemble of any sort, and this was my first experience in playing music in a group setting. It was just amazing, in my first year. The people were nice and they were like family to me, regardless of ability. I eventually dropped all other extra curriculars and stayed with Strings, as it was the most commitment heavy coupled with my academics. I worked hard in this ensemble. I really did. I prepared so much for the auditions and was delighted to make it into First Violins. But I couldn’t keep up. First violin parts were insanely difficult and it was an extremely steep learning curve which I had not expected. Truth to be told, practice took a backseat as I prioritised my studies, which was suffering as I chose to do a course which I had completely no prior background in (maybe for another story later). Sadly, I had no choice but to move to the Second Violins section. I was not sure why but I felt a certain sense of judgement from my ex first violins section mates, as if almost such a move was something to be ashamed of. I guess it’s that subtle elitism that was a bit off putting really. But I do love this section. I still keep in touch with them from time to time. This short stint in the first violins section did, however, sharpen my skills and I was really grateful for that.

In first year, our seniors brought us to one external orchestra at a university, where they have more resources but were lacking in string players. This was my first orchestra experience, and I was amazed. I loved the pieces that were introduced to us, I was so happy to have made new friends. That was where I met my double bassist close friend.

Come second year, I met my ex, who was my first boyfriend. He was nice to me, we clicked, we had lots of fun in the first year. He was supportive, he came to all my concerts and bought me stuff and helped me out. I even introduced him to some of my section mates. I trusted him. He was everywhere in my life and I think I loved him more than him me, and even more than I loved myself. On top of that, I took up an executive committee position, which meant additional responsibilities on top of just playing or teaching the freshies. I had to work together with everyone else, but this just revealed the dysfunctional and destructive dynamics within. I was a headstrong person, I wanted to dismantle the structures in place that hindered progress. I wanted aggressive growth. But perhaps that was not the approach and I didn’t take it too well.

And then there was the infidelity. I was away in another country for an industrial training program and he welcomed me home at the airport with a huge Craftaholic soft toy. I only found the incriminating evidence weeks later. I was devastated. What did I do, I wondered, for him to need to seek out someone else. This would continue for a year, where he had one whole relationship with her, and she knew he was attached.

As a result, I fell into depression. I stopped eating. Stopped going for sectionals or combined practices. Stopped attending classes and went to the GP for headaches and insomnia. I wanted to die. I stood at my 14th floor window and thought of jumping down, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. What about my parents, I thought.

The people at my string ensemble weren’t very forgiving, nor understanding. They asked for full attendance, which was fair — given that we were going into full preparation mode for the annual concert. But fuck it, I thought. It was just a few more months and I could just grit my teeth and go through with it. Well, I was right and wrong though. I braved through the concert, but I came crashing down afterwards. It was during the holidays. I begged, scolded and persuaded my ex to leave her and come back to me, but it was no use. This toxicity seeped in to all my relationships at that time, with my classmates and the people I’d meet in orchestra.

End 2017. The last straw came when more drama happened and I completely cut him out of my life. It was such a huge relief. But the damage was done. I could never look at, or play the violin like I once did. Seeking a new beginning, I auditioned for various external orchestras, and got into one lovely community orchestra near my place. However, that orchestra had to close down too, due to a lack of funding /poor management? It was anyone’s guess.

I took a gap year in 2018 after my polytechnic graduation. A huge opportunity from that previous university orchestra I played with came up and it was a band conference to Japan. I had thought we were going to bring an orchestra and we are playing the violin. But no, it was a band conference.

It was another steep learning curve, and I owe it all to the section leader of percussion there. I learnt to count properly and to read various percussion scores. It was awesome, as I’ve learnt that in percussion, there was no such thing as hiding in your section. You’re the soloist the band has to follow for the rhythm. It was a huge success. The Japanese maestros loved our performance.

I moved to UK for my university education soon after. I wanted to go for the auditioned orchestras for violin, but I panicked and messed up my audition. I guess this was a sign to try something else. I went for brass band to percussion instead. My fellow band members are brilliant and the exec are fun to work with.

Well, I’m still struggling with my various self esteem and mental health issues but I’ve learnt that the harsh truth is that mediocrity can only get you this far. But that’s ok. At the end of the day, it’s really what you want out of your experience that counts. Excellence is indeed rewarding. Moving forward, what I truly want, is happiness and healing from this traumatic episode in life, and in due time, learn better coping strategies in therapy.