My personal breastfeeding journey — Love, pain, and an unbreakable bond
By: Doni Zastrow
Tags: Nursing, Toddlers, Motherhood, Baby, Breastfeeding

I went into breastfeeding feeling very confident, having done countless hours of reading articles, watching videos, talking to midwives, talking to parents, etc.

And it wasn’t what I expected.

First, I had to have an emergency C-section, due to having preeclampsia, 3 weeks before my daughter’s due date. As you may know, this inhibits the natural production of colostrum and milk, and I begrudgingly chose to give my daughter supplemental formula for her first 2 1/2 days in the hospital. She was only 5 pounds 3 ounces, so I was pumping and trying to nurse constantly, which wasn’t seeming to yield the desired effect.

I FINALLY started producing colostrum toward the end of the 2nd day, she had no problem with latching, and the rest is history.

We had an amazing breastfeeding experience. She would stare lovingly into my eyes while nursing, fall asleep when she was finished, and she was putting on weight. Everyone was happy and growing in more ways than one.

Home feedings were as magical as they should be, and I was blessed enough that public feedings weren’t the horrific and embarrassing events that so many women both fear and experience.

I went into public nursing with a ‘feed the baby when the baby is hungry or needs comfort’ attitude, regardless of what others may think. I knew I could encounter scornful looks, judgmental stares, and disgust over seeing a breast being used for it’s intended purpose. I’ve read so many stories, and it still saddens me that mothers and children are treated this way. I was blessed to only experience encouragement, smiles, and unsolicited positive conversation due to my breastfeeding in public.

Many women are inhibited to breastfeed in public, and with the severe judgment and unnecessary embarrassment that can come with it, those feelings are completely understandable. I am fortunate to have a mindset that I didn’t care what others thought. I was going to do what I felt was best, and that position reciprocated by those who I interacted with while nursing in public.

Despite everything, I had no real issues for the first many months, beside a little discomfort and slight rawness from her constantly breastfeeding; it was a dream come true!

And then…

She was growing. She was healthy. She was happy. She was a wild banshee that wanted to latch on and swing from the rafters. Not to mention kick me in the face… or jerk her head the opposite way… or… bite. And then smile at me.

My perfect breastfeeding story came to a disappointing end. I hurt so bad so much of the time, it was hard to even convince myself to breastfeed her when she wanted it, which was almost constantly. I was raw, red, pulled, twisted, bit and bleeding, kicked, punched, bruised, scratched, you name it.

It was frustrating, because I wanted to continue breastfeeding for her sake, and she was making it nearly impossible. It took far longer than I would have expected to train her to stop some of this behavior, even though I was correcting her consistently. She has mostly stopped her destructive behavior now, though she still has a moment here and there where she hurts me, but at least she stops when I tell her to.

Recently, the worst thing (thankfully) that I’ve had to experience with breastfeeding, happened.

I woke up on the last day of visiting my sister feeling particularly “full”. Uncomfortably so. I nursed her several times, and the pain wasn’t alleviated, and continued to worsen as the morning went on.

As I mentioned, this was the last day of visiting my sister. Before I left, I did a little research and confirmed my fear that I had a clogged duct. Ouch. The best remedy for a clogged duct is constant nursing. Unfortunately, I had a 10–12 hour drive to face that day. Double ouch.

After an extremely painful drive, she was able to mostly break up the clog late that evening, and I had nearly no discomfort 2 days later after numerous nursing sessions. I was lucky that it wasn’t worse, and it didn’t turn into something more serious.

But I kept at it. It didn’t matter if my skin was peeling off, how much coconut oil I had to use, how many blood-soaked tissues from cracks or bites I had to endure, I was going to continue. I was going to give my daughter what she wanted, both for her comfort and health benefit.

Today, she had her check up, and she is finally in the middle/average range for her height and weight. Almost 20 months since our journey began, she is not only healthy, but thriving and catching up, in spite of her rough and small beginning. Her doctors told me it could be years before she caught up, yet here we are, not even 2 years later, killing it.

We are still going strong in our breastfeeding journey, with no end in sight. I’m planning on letting her wean herself when she is ready, even though I still have a decent amount of raw discomfort from time to time. She often uses nursing as comfort, which I usually don’t mind, though it can certainly cause soreness and irritation. I know that what I’m doing is for the benefit of my child, be it for her hunger, health, comfort, or just bonding with mama.

Ultimately, you and your child know what’s best, and you can accomplish things you may not believe you can when you’re facing immense pain and obstacles. I know that I am still amazingly lucky, compared with so many other women and their children, but I hope my story inspires those who are having a rough time in their personal breastfeeding journey.

You can do it, mama. You are so strong and powerful, and your love for your baby is the most sacred and beautiful thing you will likely ever experience. You WILL make the right decisions for your baby, even if your journey doesn’t go as planned. Keep going. Keep fighting. And always do what is best for both you and your perfect little baby.

Much love to all.