I CHEATED...but I didn’t know.. One particular phenomenon has been…
By: Chinedu Fredrick Orisakwe
Tags: Breakups, Connection, Emotional Health, Dating

I CHEATED...but I didn’t know.

One particular phenomenon has been catching my attention of recent: emotional cheating. I decided to ask about it and discovered that I cheated in my previous relationship.

Tobi and I were lovers for almost a year now, and then a change occured; we were now in different locations. That distance and change in schedule created a time and communication gap which later grew into an emotional gap. I had just started my counselling training then, and was opened up to sides of my emotions I had never seen before; I needed an emotional pillar...

The new environment, and change in schedule, made it difficult for us to talk as long as we used to and when we eventually did and I wanted to pour out all emotional baggage I had packed in class that day, it would usually turn into a fight.

Maria, who came into the picture before the change in my then relationship, suddenly became the centre of my attention because she was always present. She would check on me, reply whenever I chatted her up, made me laugh and laughed with me...we were just friends then. In a short while, an emotional connection grew and I opened up myself to become free with her. One thing led to another, and I told Tobi about my closeness with Maria. Tobi wasn't very happy about it, cos she mentioned it even before the change occured, but trusted me.

Some months later, Tobi came back and went through my chats with Maria. She was broken and said I was cheating on her. In my defence and innocence, then, I told her I wasn't. Yes, I had feelings for Maria but we both placed boundaries knowing that Tobi was my woman.

This led to a whole series of events that eventually led to our separation 7 months after.

Now, why am I telling you my #breakupstory...

(I didn’t write that so you’d judge me. I know I messed up. I sought counsel and had many discussions with Tobi. I know better now. That is why you shouldn’t wait to learn from your own experiences. Seek counsel and learn from other people’s experiences)

A lot of us are/were in my shoes. We have no idea that what we are/were doing was emotional cheating. We need(ed) someone to connect to, we need(ed) someone to "fill a certain emotional void" and rather than seeking and working towards this connection with our spouse, we do/did it with other people, under the guise of "s/he's just a friend."

Yes, we have no intention of getting physical with the friend. Yes, we have the best intentions at heart when doing this. But let me tell you a few things about emotional connections.

1. "Attention breeds affection," I always say.

When you are emotionally connected to a person, you seek the give the person your attention and get theirs in return. You enjoy time spent with this person. You love their company and look forward to it. Before you know it, even when you didn't plan it, you would begin developing strong feelings for this 'friend' whom you originally didn't have ulterior intentions towards.

2. Sexual arousal is sometimes emotional.

I am yet to do proper research on this, but I believe that sexual attraction, pleasure and satisfaction is more emotional than physical, for some. They get aroused, not by your looks or your body or your speech or your 'kind words' or even your kind gestures, but by an emotional connection to you. Sex for them is more fulfilling and satisfying when there is an emotional connection (and this isn't specific to any gender. It happens to anyone. I, for one, would not have anything physical to do with anyone I am not emotionally connected to). So, innocently emotionally connecting with someone who isn't your spouse could lead to some form of physical entanglement, even when unplanned or unwanted.

3. You are unintentionally pushing your partner away.

This links with 1. When you are emotionally connected to a person, s/he almost takes 1st place in your life, after God. The reason why our parents are our no. 1 is emotional connection. The reason why some daughters fall in love with their fathers; emotional connection. The reason why husbands stay loyal to their wives; emotional connection. The reason why some ladies are more loyal to their pastors than their husbands, why some men spend more time with their secretaries or maids or children's teacher or name it, why some people are currently part of the LGBTQ+ community, etc...yup! Emotional connection.

When you unguardedly connect emotionally with someone, the person gradually takes centre stage in your heart and you unintentionally push others to take the next seat or even the bench.

Now, I know you didn't mean to hurt that lady or guy. I know you didn't mean to cheat emotionally. I know you didn't plan to. I know you had the best of intentions...but we gotta admit when we are wrong, learn from it, correct our ways and then become, and do, better.

Who did you cheat on emotionally? Who are you cheating on emotionally? If you are still in contact with the person, do apologise to him/her. If you are still in the relationship, confess your sins (if you can) and then stop that emotional cheating. It's bad for your health.

God loves you.

CofuDR.

😊😊😊