Non-Christian In a Christian Family
By: Natalie Jeanne Maddy
Tags: Truth, Perception, Self, Energy, Religion

Non-Christian In a Christian Family

Christian: those who have been “born again” by the Spirit of God

“The problem with certainty is that it is static; it can do little but endlessly reassert itself. Uncertainty, by contrast, is full of unknowns, possibilities, and risks.”

— Stephen Batchelor

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

“Would you like to pray over our dinner, Natalie?”

The answer screaming silently in the realm of my own mind: No! I don’t feel comfortable praying to the God you believe in, when I’d rather give thanks for the Energy of the universe (the Energy I consider to be divine, mind you) for providing us food. I’d rather give thanks to the crops and farmers and men who worked so hard in providing us our Energized food. I’d rather thank everyone involved — down to the pilots and construction workers who built roads and the inventors of my car and so on — in the process of allowing us to have such a delicious and also fueling meal together. I’d rather give thanks to the Energies in all with whom I’m surrounded (my family), honored to be in their presence. I could go on, but it’s about this time that the eyes penetrating into my soul are now feeling more like daggers.

So instead, I give them the answer I know won’t disappoint: I guess so (I typically sheepishly say this, avoiding eye contact from every one of my family members, lest I be targeted and then accused for not being a Christian who humbly prays in thanksgiving for dinner rather than a human thankful for the Energy surrounding us all).

I’m not a Christian. I’m also not an atheist. I’m also not agnostic. I just, am. I’m me, and I have beliefs which are absolute (until further notice) and beliefs which are fluid, changing alongside the waves that sometimes crash into and sometimes plant a kiss upon the sand particles of its lover beach.

I know that. I know they (by they, I mean my Christian family) all know that. But it’s never been the topic of discussion, most likely due to their fear of me actually uttering the words, hence leading to chaos to the Man living Upstairs. They fear for my soul, should I deny the following of Jesus and practice faith on a new path, one not followed by Christians, so they just pray for me and tell me about God as if I’m an innocent child who knows Him not (even though we all grew up in the church together). But we never so much as glance at the elephant in the room that proudly parades his tusks while I hide my truth in the depths of my impure soul (I don’t find it to be impure, but should you feel inclined to ask my family, I’m sure they’d tell you otherwise).

The sad part is, my family doesn’t truly understand my concept of Christianity or really, any religion — I don’t deny Jesus, nor his teachings. I don’t stray from his path, even though I don’t consider myself to be a part of the religion that stemmed from him. I also don’t believe in every word preached to me by various pastors. I have my own beliefs in which I find comfort, but that doesn’t mean I believe in Heaven and Hell as places that are hosted by angels and demons, respectively. I’m open to any and every possibility of the creations of the universe and the quantum entanglement of cells and information and even, time. I’m curious about aliens, too, and how life was formed, if (I say if, because nobody knows for certainty, despite their best efforts in telling me how certain they are of this so-called fact) not by the hand of a God. I also am always ready to learn about the next organized religion to be presented to me. My mind is utterly thirsty for new perceptions, and what better way to gain insight than from a newly (new to me) learned or discovered religion?

Organized religion is meant to be easy, simple, joyous, exciting, comfortable. Religion itself implies a systematic belief in which its followers give veneration to its God(s) and/or Goddess(es). But typically, the ideology behind an organized religion has no room for expansion in terms of newness, for the religions have been created off the basis of ancient history. Not all religions, of course — as some are very recent and others are of their own making as branches and leaps and excerpts are taken here and there from a multitude of religions, thus creating a new one entirely. For the most part, though, religions teach from philosophers of times prior to our existence, of which we are aware. Not to discount the notion of reincarnation, as we perhaps are from the times prior to the now, and perhaps were alive to see the philosophers teach their lessons to those who followed and were genuinely interested.

All of that’s to say: for now, I’m not a part of any so-called organized religion, but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in the value of the words shared by such prominent leaders that have thus produced religions I now crave to study. I listen to Jesus’ messages, and man was he wise and patient and humble and, most inspiring to me, he was obedient. I also listen to Buddha’s message and read parables of him, gaining new insight as how to be more peaceful and less attached to worldly items — items we humans sometimes grasp onto as if they’re more important than beings themselves. I also listen to sermons from time to time, gleaning from them certain Bible verses or random glimpses of hope. I’m reminded to cling to faith, hope, love (love being the strongest — I can vouch for this firsthand, boy let me tell you). I absolutely read the Bible, for understanding when other books allude to it but also, for knowledge in the doctrine of Christianity. But I too read the Bhavavad Gita, so I can properly recognize the spirituality of yoga and what it entails to recite mantras to Gods and Godddesses. I also read Zen Kōans, where I allow myself to expand my mind into the peaceful space of tranquility and deeper contemplation of life itself and of me and of other beings and of entities living beyond the Earth and quite possibly, outsiders living beyond my perception of the universe.

I believe there are no absolutes in life. Everything we hold of value stems from the self, and the self perceives its surroundings and experiences and even, its faith. So I find it very difficult in ascertaining the validity of only one single religion, when there are numerous beliefs out there from which to choose! But nevertheless, I find it daunting to express my personal truths when my family clings to their truths as if they’re universal, me being the un-enlightened soul still living in the Plato’s caves, uninformed and thus, none the wiser.

It’s not always easy, to be surrounded by Christians (Christians to whom I’m related, to boot) who personally — but to them, it’s more like, universally — hold their truths that I’m going to Hell. It’s not always easy, to express my personal truths to them, out of fear and also, out of respect. I cherish them deeply and have a fond admiration for their unwavering faith and belief in God and of all things taught in the Bible. But I don’t feel the reciprocated respect from them, that I too have a faith and belief in Energy (why can’t this God they speak of also be the Energy I speak of, merely called upon by different names?) and of all things taught in the Bible but also, the Gita, and the doctrines of Buddha, and the Vedas, and so on.

I wouldn’t deem my faith as unwavering like my fellow family members, for I can easily alter my perception of life when new knowledge is gifted to me. I’m always seeking for answers, not only from the universe but also from my self. I absolutely learn from the greatness done by people like Jesus. And also Siddhartha Gautama. And also, Krisna. I quite enjoy my risk-taking adventures in which I recite mantras to still my mind, rather than shooting a prayer up toward the skies some like to call Heaven. I too relish in the conversations with others of the existence of parallel universes and life simulations in which we aren’t even really here — the possibilities are endless, in my perception! I focus my thoughts toward the unknowns of the world as I gaze upon the stars unveiled by the darkness that seeps into our atmosphere, as if it was always dark, before the Sun exploded into a star. Perhaps it was, and the Sun was the one who unveiled the sparkling stars amid the prior dark, all-encompassing skies.

I used to be uncertain of what’s real and what’s true and what’s right.

And I still am uncertain of what’s real and what’s true and what’s right… universally.

But as far as personally? I know what’s real and what’s true and what’s right, in my mind, in my perception, in my experience of life as I know it. Because life as I know it, is all I have as the grounds upon which to stand when revealing my truth, my faith, my beliefs I know to be true, to me, and to me alone. I recognize the beliefs of my family, and I’m so proud of them for being so affirmed, so certain. But as for me? I’m also certain that life is one big mystery yet to be solved, “full of unknowns, possibilities, and risks.”

“The problem with certainty is that it is static; it can do little but endlessly reassert itself. Uncertainty, by contrast, is full of unknowns, possibilities, and risks.”

I may have been “born again,” into a new body that hosts my Energy (soul, if you prefer), as if by magic, as if by a God, as if by paranormal activity, as if by Energies not stemming from humans, as if by my mind’s own doing… One will never know for sure, will he? Certainly not now, at any rate. But I don’t think I was “born again” by the Spirit of God, giving me the comfort — no, the honor? — of allowing myself to be called a Christian, because I don’t find solace in the rigidity of such a religion, no matter how much I believe in Jesus or his teachings or even the Bible and thus, God. I’m not a Christian, and I used to feel like the sorrow-filled project in which my family tried to tackle; Hell, they sometimes do still view me that way, in my perception. But maybe they don’t view me that way at all, only expressing their beliefs unto me out of love and fear, that I don’t share those same beliefs.

But to me… that’s the beauty of a belief. It is intricately individualized and is based upon a soul’s (I’m interchanging this word with Energy, as you can see) journey in life — through perception, experience, thought, past, maybe even future. We all have these innate feelings to which some attribute to God’s design while others attribute to the design manifested by the universe. Why do the two have to be so drastically separated though? As if they’re too dissimilar to even compare, so we contrast only, giving one the color black and the other, white.

Suffice it to say, I’m more of a grey person myself, never certain of much of anything while still holding onto my affirmed (affirmed for now) beliefs, forever questioning the endless possibilities of everything — literally, everything — and also,

forever questioning life as I know it to be.

And life, as I know it to be, isn’t clearly definable. Nor is my family. Nor am I.

why?

because I am me.

to further simplify:

I am.

and also —

I am, because we are.

So here I am, happily living as a non-Christian in a Christian family. Not only living but also, thriving, fully unveiling the hidden truths that used to be stored adjacent to the skeletons in my once darkened closet that now has light. That light? It’s my truth.

I hope your truth lights up your world the way mine does, mine. I also hope you never let anyone tell you your truth is wrong or uncertain or universally unacceptable. That’s not true at all. Only you know what’s true, and that’s the truest of all beliefs. But just because it’s true to you doesn’t mean it’s true to me, and of that, I’m certain.