The full stop of all full stops.
By: Umzila Kawulandelwa
Tags: Untimely Death, Relationships, Tribute, Grief And Loss, Human Connection

Photo by Eyasu Etsub on Unsplash

Yesterday I woke up to no electricity in my neighborhood. Special shoutout to Eskom for that. So I quickly showered, packed up my bags and drove to my boyfriend’s place. I found him on a work teams call which was surprising to me as it seemed too early to be on such a call. He was using his laptop’s speaker so I could hear what was being said while I was setting up my workstation.

Obviously boyfriend and I know each other’s colleagues cos there’s only so much sappiness we can exchange without needing to talk about other things that make up our lives. Listening to the speaker on the call I knew who was being talked about. BUT, why was he being spoken of in past tense? I sent my boyfriend a text to ask what was going on cos my own logic could not be right at that time. I did not want it to be right.

He didn’t respond to my texts and he’d moved back to his work station so I couldn’t hear the conversation anymore. I busied myself to stop my brain from giving me answers I could do without. He came downstairs to confirm what I already knew. His boss had passed away. My god. Even just typing that sentence feels SO surreal. Like, how is that even possible?! The guy who held the team together was no more?! HOW?!

I texted my therapist to ask for an emergency session. My brain had checked out in shock. I held my boyfriend in what felt like a never ending embrace. Both of us shocked and sad all at once. I broke down because the more I thought about it the less sense it made and the sadder it felt. I cried over the loss of a man I had never met but had heard so much about from my boyfriend who adored him. He was so young, his wife is expecting their first child, there was just still so much life to be lived ahead of him. And just like that, it was ALL over?! As in, he couldn’t sneak back into his life to kiss his wife goodbye or fetch his favorite shirt or write a letter to his unborn child. What he did not do will remain undone. FOREVER?!

No, man. None of this makes sense and none of it is fair at all. I spent my therapy session dissecting all my thoughts and feelings over this. I didn’t want to share with my friends or family because I was dodging the silly “did you know him?” question. What has that got to do with anything?! I am telling you I am sad about the passing of this man cos I know how much he meant to those who worked with and under him and I must now justify my grief?! I really did not have time for any of that. My therapist held space for me with so much love, warmth and care. She gets me and she got it.

There is so much that could be said about that man. I’m sure those closest to him have tons of good things to say about him. He was an all round wholesome human being. It’s not often that we speak about our colleagues let alone bosses that way. I know society tells us we are not at work to make friends, which I understand. But we spend so much time at work with these people that we inevitably form genuine connections with and so we should not try and make ourselves islands. It’s really okay to open up your heart and life to colleagues. We already spend so much time together!

At our core as human beings we are all just seeking genuine connections with other human beings. Not to meet and get drunk all the time. We want to connect on a soul level because that is an innate human need. So it really doesn’t matter that the human being you’re connecting with on a soul level is a colleague. All relationships matter. No one person can be your everything. That’s true for everyone so even our colleagues meet a certain need no one else could meet in the same way.

I have exhausted my English trying to express my grief over all of this. It’s just so. incredibly. sad! I will never hear stories about him again. Life is just going to carry on without him. What a tragic thing. The world is less colorful without him. What a man. I hope everyone who knew him honors his life and memory in some way. My heart is with his wife who has to carry their child and welcome them to this earth without him. I want to coil under a rock or something and just hide from life and this world. This is so, so tragic.

No words will ever be enough to encapsulate what his untimely passing means. I’m a writer who has a metaphor for everything in life. Death truly is the full stop of ALL full stops and OMG. That is the only battle we’re guaranteed to lose in life. What a tragedy. What an incredibly sad thing.

Fly with angels, sir. Yours was a life well lived that touched even those who did not have the pleasure of meeting you.