Dear New Mama: You Are Not A Failure Because Your Body Doesn’t Make Enough Milk
By: Hannah Drake
Tags: Shame, Breastfeeding, Motherhood

I’m sick of it. It breaks my heart.

A few minutes ago, I was scrolling through my Facebook feed when I saw yet another post by a new mom in one of my mom groups who was posting/asking for support/how not to feel a failure for not being able to make enough milk and breastfeed her baby for “at least a year” as is “recommended” — and if you follow WHO, it’s two years!

From a Facebook Mom Group

You know what most of the responses are about? Things to help supply.

Fenugreek! No, avoid fenugreek at all costs! Oatmeal! Beer! Powerade! Body Armor! Lactation cookies! Lactation bars! Have a power-pumping weekend! Put baby to the breast more! Drink more water, it’s the only thing that works!

But almost nobody posted anything that suggested acceptance for her experience. The hidden message behind all of these things is — you can do better/try something else to be better for your baby.

Now, I’m certainly not against trying these things — I tried all of them (and more) myself!

Two days ago, I commented on a post from a mom who was desperately trying to get her babe to sleep more at 3 months — she was exclusively breastfeeding. I wrote, “Don’t hate me, but try formula, it digests slower.” I got angry-face reactions and was muted. So I edited my post to explain I had low milk supply, and I didn’t know why I was muted for suggesting formula — there is nothing wrong with formula! And it does help them sleep longer! And then I started getting the heart reactions.

My own journey with breastfeeding ended up being more of indirect breastfeeding — pumping and feeding. (There are even some articles out there that will “shame” moms for this because it’s “not as good” because of the “lack of direct skin contact). But I digress; I’ll tell my own story in a minute.

The Mom-Shaming Is Rampant

First up. LADIES. Do we NOT already have enough things to feel shame about? First we “fall short of good enough” if we don’t live up to the ideal woman standards — if we don’t have flat stomachs; if we can’t control our emotions and (heaven forbid!) cry; if we say (or yell!) something less than sweet; if we aren’t good enough housekeepers; if we ever show our “bitchy” side; if we aren’t as successful as we should have been at whatever stage in our life we are in, if we forget to “keep crazy in the closet”.

Then we fall short as moms: If we chose to give our babies vaccines; if we didn’t choose to give our babies vaccines; if we let them watch TV; if they sleep in our bed; if they don’t sleep in our bed; if they sleep in our room in their own sleep space; if they don’t sleep in our room in their own sleep space — the list goes on. If we home school; if we don’t home school. If we can only pump milliliters instead of ounces, if we can only pump an ounce instead of 6, if we have an oversupply and battle with clogged ducts, mastitis, a too-powerful let-down, and we complain about that because it offends the under or just-enough milk producers. Oh and my personal favorite, where a gas station employee told me all the sugar in the blue slushy I was purchasing/drinking was bad for my unborn baby and she would have diabetes (spoiler alert: she doesn’t).

Why on earth would any woman post or say anything that — intentional or not — shames the experience of another woman?

My Journey with Breastfeeding

My own journey started with what looked like a good breastfeeding relationship — the latch looked good, they could hear her swallowing with the stethoscope, no issues! Gold star. I was complimented on my latch technique.

Until her weight was dropping, and hit 70% of birth weight within 3 days.

If I had asked Nurse Facebook what to do in my predicament, I can assure you that so many women would have lashed out about don’t let them give formula. And Dr. Google is quick to bring up a lot of articles about All The Reasons that Breast is Best. Same with the well-meaning comments of people around you.

I was fully prepared to be a breastfeeding mama. I read La Leche’s book. Formula — meh, fine. I didn’t hate on anyone who gave it. It’s great that we have it available. But I was going to be better for my baby! It’s easy to find commentary on “breastfeeding is hard(er than I thought)”. And I was like pffft. Lots of things are hard. I can handle it.

But then my little girl decided to come early, and my body and her body didn’t quite work together well. She got stuck, and wasn’t progressing, so she entered the world through a cut that looked like smile in my lower belly. Only that was after 24 hours of my body in active labor contractions, so my uterus was *tired*. She was like: girl, I need a nap, I’m done with these super contractions trying to push out a baby stuff. And so, she didn’t want to shrink back down — which made closing me up complicated — and I lost twice the blood volume typically lost in a c-section.

Despite that, I did really well, but my blood levels weren’t coming up in a way that doctors were happy with. So on Day 3 I was hooked up to a stranger’s blood and watched — for the first time in my life — someone else’s blood go into my body. Very strange, and THANK YOU to those who donate! (I was born in the UK, so due to Mad Cow Disease, I can’t).

Anyway. Early delivery, trauma to the body, etc. When her weight wasn’t doing what they would have liked to have seen, the lactation consultants announced that it could take up to 5–10 days for my milk to come in fully due to the c-section, blood loss, and oh yeah, I have implants so there were a lot of variables. Which meant baby girl was HANGRY.

“It’s cluster feeding!” nurses told me while she cried and tried to nurse from 10 pm to 2 am on a nightly basis, but my mama instincts suggested otherwise. Turns out, babies can indeed cry and nurse incessantly before falling asleep from exhaustion and hunger — looks just like cluster feeding, but isn’t.

She was growing more and more upset as time went on, and was less and less consolable. Finally, towards the end of day 2, I asked for formula. She drank that down like she was starving. And a much happier, more content baby she became.

Note: Please don’t fall into the “it’s cluster feeding” trap. IT’S NOT ALWAYS CLUSTER FEEDING, despite what well-intentioned uncertified health professionals at Facebook Community Health Center will happily tell you.

So, formula-fed we were, with some breastfeeding mixed in. I was told to pump to help milk come in — but looking back, I don’t think this was emphasized enough. And of course there’s contradicting advice out there — no mama, don’t pump at all for the first 12 weeks so that you don’t end up with an oversupply.

Good Lord, what’s a new mama to do?!

I ended up hiring a private IBCLC Lactation Consultant, who — basically through some weighted feeds determined/confirmed she wasn’t getting enough. (Thank you Aetna for covering lactation consultant visits!) But, lactation consultants can’t diagnose lip or tongue ties, and the medical staff at East Cooper Medical Center had failed me here. I self-diagnosed with the help fo Dr. Google. I was referred to a pediatric dentist (which is so much better than an ENT, according to Nurse Facebook and the staff at Facebook Community Health Center) — but dental insurance doesn’t cover that, and it was pretty expensive, so off to the pediatric ENT we went.

That in itself is another story — I got removed from a Facebook community belonging to a very popular lactation supplement company for arguing with one of their “volunteer IBCLCs” for talking about my experience and giving “misinformation” to their community about pediatric ENTs vs pediatric dentists — their stance is pediatric ENTs are evil (aka shut up mama, how dare you go against a facebook group admin, and your story is clearly not one we should talk about).

And this is just one of the things we experience as new mamas.

Her lip and tongue tie released around 4 weeks of age, which did improve things — but not enough. I still had supply issues.

Something is Better Than Nothing (?)

Through trying pretty much every possible thing humanly available (except for Domperidone, which isn’t approved in the US — I considered it but didn’t make the leap) — several “angry” breastfeeding attempts and a lot of tears later — I concluded that something was better than nothing, and even if our feeding sessions were more for comfort and a snack than anything else, she still seemed happy with it.

So, my baby girl was probably 70–80% formula fed for the beginning of her life, and is now that and the baby solids. My personal goal was 6 months, but I stretched to 7 given the pandemic and the mysterious antibodies that are passed back and forth between mama and baby, and possibly the number one reason breastfeeding is considered “best”.

Guess what? I have a beautiful, healthy, happy, food-loving baby girl. I ended up going rogue and choosing to purchase imported formulas from Europe, since they have stricter organic standards and put less sugar in their formulas (I did a taste test!) — and before the Facebook Mom Police come out with their pitchforks and batons stating they aren’t approved by the FDA - I know.

In my opinion, the FDA isn’t really our BFF for a number of reasons, so I’m okay with it. And, a recent study confirmed that European formulas meet US nutritional requirements, but not labeling requirements. But what about temperature control? Well, I make sure the water is hot enough to kill any bacteria and cool — just like the instructions say (weird!).

So Your Body Isn’t a Milk Machine. It Doesn’t Make You A Failure.

Let’s go full circle here. Here’s what someone told me that has stuck with me and evolved into my own adaptation, because I, too, was really upset at my body’s inability to completely feed my baby:

Human bodies.

They’re perfect, right? They never don’t do what they are supposed to do, and breastfeeding is no different! Wait — that’s wrong. All kinds of things go wrong.

People have diabetes, heart disease, depression/anxiety and a little thing where cells don’t do what they should do normally and it’s deadly, called cancer. Oh right, there’s a whole medical universe out there that’s dedicated to treating these things. And oh, right! A lot of these diseases, or less-than-ideal functions occur through no fault of our own.

If a mama who can’t produce enough milk is truly a failure, then so is every diabetic and person who suffers from depression or anxiety. Which means most of the population is a failure.

Mama — you are NOT a failure. Not even close. Your body hasn’t failed you or your baby.

What about the fact that your body was magical enough to conceive a child, and then grow it, and make it into a little beautiful baby? And bring it into the world (assisted or otherwise)?

What about the fact that thousands of women invest thousands of dollars into trying to make that very thing happen? What about the couples who can’t do that and build Facebook pages and marketing campaigns to help find a baby they can adopt?

How about, instead of focusing on what your body couldn’t do perfectly, focus on what it did do — what it does do — and be thankful.

How about instead of focusing on the ounces or milliliters of milk your body can pump (and yes Nurse Facebook, we know that people don’t respond to pumps the way they can respond to a baby who nurses well. But even this is up for debate!) — you focus on the fact that you love your baby, and give her or him the cuddles and care he or she deserves.

How about considering yourself the best mom for your baby because you ARE. How about you consider that you wake up at any sound of possible distress through your super-human mama hearing and tend to your little one because you now have Super Mama Ears — and so you ROCK.

How about, you didn’t choose to starve your child by trying to exclusively breastfeed or pump and instead made sure your little one had food! How about this is called putting your child’s needs before your own wants (to breastfeed, regardless of the why you chose that) — and that’s what’s best for them. How about the fact that you even care about your struggle to feed to begin with makes you a loving, considerate mama — and that’s being a “good” parent.

So new mama reading this doubting herself and feeling like a failure — you are an amazing being who was blessed with the ability to bring a child into this world, despite whatever circumstances exist now.

You dealt with the wacky hormones, the exhaustion, the cravings, the sleeplessness, the morning sickness, the difficulty moving around. You gave up (or severely limited) alcohol; you ate healthy (when your body let you — cause let’s be real, sometimes a 900 calorie slice of cake or fast food is the only thing that will help you while you’re pregnant); you did your best to get some exercise; you powered through.

And then they said “here’s a new human, good luck!” and sent you on your way. You are doing an amazing thing. Do not for a second let yourself discredit yourself because your body doesn’t produce enough milk to nourish your little one. This is a temporary stage. And more than anything — MORE THAN ANYTHING — your baby just needs YOU.

Your love, your cuddles, your attention. You being there, so baby knows “when I am hungry/scared/upset/uncomfy, someone will care for me” and develops a secure and confident sense of self and belonging in the world.

I may not have ever met you — but I feel for you. I hope this helps you.

New motherhood is hard enough with all the physical challenges let alone people’s opinions of what’s best for you and your baby (that shaped your own opinions!) making you feel not good enough.

So mama, the way I see it — you’ve got some choices. 1) Carry on breastfeeding as much or as little as you want/can and supplement (even if it’s most of their intake). 2) Don’t do that at all.

If it’s too much for you and stresses you out — with all the pumping, and pump part washing, and bottles, and bottle washing, and not even making enough to begin with, let alone the time involved hooked up to electronics instead of being with your babe — if all of that is driving you nuts — then stop. Go 100% formula. You don’t even have to be all crazy about it like me (and other mamas) and import from Europe. Do what’s best for you, your child, and your personal situation.

You have my permission to leave the Facebook Mom Groups and go to TikTok where the moms drink wine, share love and make funny relatable mom confessions instead of inadvertently or advertently shaming each other trying to be “helpful” because they “know better”. It’s way more fun on TikTok. ❤