Moral Harassment Techniques for Victims’ Awareness: Lack of Contact & Neglect
By: Anastasiya Rostova
Tags: Neglect, Harassment, Emotional Abuse, Abuse, Violence Against Women

Humans are social animals. Lack of contact with someone dear can kill them emotionally, and abusers use it. First, they poison all your life popping up here and there. Second, they suddenly disappear making you wonder what you have done wrong. No explanation, just lack of contact and a huge emotional distance. Neglect. Silence. Despair.

Yesterday you two were discussing the deepest stuff, sharing your past life experiences like best friends. Talking business and joking informally. Today you are alone, the predator is silent, and the friendship seems to be ruined. You start thinking that it might be you. You try to recall whether your words or actions could hurt the aggressor who has become dear to you (they always try to occupy that throne of “the one and only” in your head!).

The aggressor’s neglect will imprison you due to the addiction they’ll develop in you. Photo source: Unsplash

IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S THEM! Nothing at all is wrong with you. You deal with a former kid once emotionally abandoned by their parents and only welcomed when meeting their high expectations. Sometimes such families abuse the kids and even beat them if they are not perfect… So the little ones spend their early years getting to the top of school ratings, receiving awards, being interviewed by mass media. The kid has to play a wunderkind, as the family never accepts them as is, as a personality. So as grown-ups, predators only need you when you contribute to their welfare and help them gain something they want. They have no sockets for your emotional plugs because their family was cold to them. Sad but true. They can only use you, they can accept neither themselves nor other people.

Disclaimer. This blog post is written by a former victim, not a psychology genius.

Lack of Contact & Neglect: How Does It All Start?

I would say, that the neglect phase starts immediately after the aggressor marks you as ‘acquired’ in their head. They use the overpromising tactics at the start to persuade you that they have ‘great plans’, and you are a part of them. Then you get hints that the Master got disappointed, and you are no longer their desired business partner, promotion candidate, or the love of their life. They will never say this to you directly to keep you beside them. They will just increase the distance between you, suddenly. There will be no response.

They will come back to you with smaller injections of their fake love from time to time, but mostly you will be left alone in silence. You’ll be endangered by constant uncertainty, having no right to make plans of your own, as you will depend on the aggressor’s final “yes” or “no”. They will always go with ‘maybe’, not keeping any of their initial promises and making you tolerate their whims — until you need anything from them. Mostly it will be silence, and short highs will rotate with longer and longer lows.

The aggressor will make you wait for their mercy for ages, wasting the time of your life. Photo source: Unsplash

Lack of Contact & Neglect: What Does It Look Like?

Whenever you need the aggressor’s help, they will disappear or find ‘fair’ grounds for saying ‘no’ to your requests, even if they are sane, fair and good from money perspective. In fact, they get a sadistic delight when they see you kneeled down. Your despair can even produce sexual arousal, your helpless look is what they adore. The power to disappear has the same nature — they practice their almightiness leaving you amidst your grieves and troubles. They will “miss” your super important requests, not paying attention to them.

They will forget everything that is meaningful to you…deliberately. If you asked your boss for a raise or promotion at work, they will make you wait for months, and then explain that your email got buried in their inbox. If you date them and dare to ask about the status of your relationships, they will most likely disappear and then dance back into your life again as if you have never asked about calling things their names. You will be the only one having duties and responsibilities, and they will torture you with their ‘catch me if you can’ tricks. You will always be left in a situation of emotional hunger, lack of contact and action from their side. They will have that right to disappear and live a life of their own, but not you.

The aggressor sees you as their Hachiko, always waiting for them and ready to forgive. Photo source: Unsplash

Lack of Contact & Neglect: Why Does It Work?

All people want to be accepted, valued, and appreciated. Praise and gratitude is what they need most to feel good. Basic positive emotions are what we get at a very early age from our loving parents. The aggressor produces a river of fake love at the start to push you back into the careless state of your infancy. You feel totally accepted, understood, and even loved like never before.

When accepting that flow of ‘love’ from the predator, we grant them the parental role in our life. It’s all they want — parental control over the helpless victim whom they can torture. Victims are back to the grief of waiting for mom in their childhood when experiencing the aggressor’s neglect. It’s a deep feeling, and despite all betrayals, victims remain addicted to their Master demonstrating unconditional, irrational love for them. Rare praise and constant neglect — this recipe creates addiction and turns adult people into hungry infants.

Lack of Contact & Neglect: Real-World Examples

In fact, predators combine lack of contact and comparison techniques. Whenever they disappear, the abandoned victim is supposed to see that the aggressor has picked another business partner, friend or lover. Very often the aggressor creates a situation of open confrontation for two or more victims making them think about each other during the lack of contact periods. In the sad story of Anastasia Yeshchenko, she was driven crazy by jealousy because her lover historian Sokolov was visiting his ex-wife and having other love affairs. During these periods his ‘old’ toy was abandoned. The aggressor’s message is always the same: “I have multiple replacements for you!” — they do objectivate people, so they don’t care much about their current companion.

Henry VIII is probably one of the most famous sadists with a passion for neglect, comparison, and the rotation of highs and lows. He always had a supply of women eager to accept him with all his quirks. He was free to marry them, decapitate them, or replace one woman with another. Usually, you don’t get just neglect — comparison, objectivation, and endangering are also here. Hope this example will persuade you that lack of contact is a trait of a sadistic personality.

Neglect is a downside of sadism: people forgetting to do you good, may bring you evil. Photo source: Unsplash

Lack of Contact & Neglect: How To Protect Yourself From It?

Don’t grant control over your life to anyone. Your bosses at work, your love partners, your friends should only have advisory roles. You may consult them when in doubt, and make your own decisions. By default, you are the top one person responsible for self-care, not anyone else. If you don’t overestimate others, their neglect will not destroy you.

Those who love you will take care of you. They will never be greedy or neglectful. They will make you feel safe and remain responsive. They will be easy-going all the time, not just at the courtesy phase. Your true friends will remain your friends in need. They will take action to rescue you and will not laugh at your misery. Reliable business partners will not waste your time on vague discussions. They will talk money and offer win-win solutions instead of “forgetting” about key paragraphs in the final agreement regulating the terms of payment. Don’t deal with strange people practicing lack of contact to look more desirable. They need a psychotherapist, not your care, energy, love, friendship, or effort. They have mental issues.

Conclusion

If someone is practicing neglect and doesn’t take your interests at heart, don’t waste your time on them. This person thinks that they are the prize. (Of course, they aren’t, LOL!) Lack of contact is a part of their endless comparison game. They will disappear from your life and show up in the life of your best friend making both of you feel uneasy. You don’t need to go deep into this — just realize the fact that they are destroyers trying to play with alive dolls due to emotional disabilities. This is unhealthy, so keep the predators away. This world is full of people who don’t like dirty games. They don’t want to see you begging, crying, or enraged. They will smile at you and offer you something good instead of being ‘unreachable’ or ‘busy’ for you all the time. People who need neglect to demonstrate their value have zero value. Ignore them and hug your true friends instead!