The Story of Your Life
By: Danielle West
Tags: Storyofmylife, Storytelling, Words, Narrative, Anxiety

Image by Johnny Lindner from Pixabay

Our words colour our world. Some are bright vibrant hues, others somber or opaque while many are entirely black and white. We use these words to assemble stories about who we are or where we have come from. Stories are the foundation of human civilisation. Every religious text is brimming with stories as opposed to a list of directives. The directives are certainly there, but beautifully wrapped in tales of sacrifice, treachery, forgiveness and learning. This format helps us remember both moral and story to pass them on to others. The neuroscience behind this behavior is illustrated in Uri Hasson’s brilliant Ted Talk This is Your Brain on Communication where Hasson explains how listeners’ brain activity synchronises with that of the storyteller as the story unfolds using FMRI data. Stories also help shape our national identity through history books, myths and even modern media. The media various nations produce from cinema, music, streaming video series and books inform the outside world not only who we are but also provide reflections of how we see ourselves or at least would like to. The media we consume is full of stories to inspire us, comfort us with reassurances that we are not alone in our struggles and show countless different ways to live or respond to all sorts of situations. Our parents and friends tell anecdotes about our past selves reinforcing our place in their hearts and in a greater social hierarchy. All of this informs not only our personal narrative but influences our own narrative voice.

And these narratives have tremendous power influencing how we see ourselves and the world around us. We use these accounts to tell others about who we are and what experiences have shaped us as we become acquainted with new friends or colleagues. And as we recount to others, we are also telling ourselves. When you describe a hilarious weekend out with your friends to others it is a story you are telling which may be one of adventure and courage where you were the hero or hilarious antics that make everyone laugh where you are the fool. These allegories reinforce your identity and frame the way you take in the world around you. Imagine being able to change your world and yourself by simply changing a story.

Image by Céline Martin from Pixabay

When someone doesn’t reply to a text or email you may worry that you’ve upset them, telling yourself a tale that isn’t necessarily true. This fictional story could gnaw at you as anxiety grows about why they haven’t replied when there are numerous other possibilities such as a busy day at work or they ran off to join the circus to juggle flaming batons. These stories can inspire or encourage us, but they can also haunt and shame us depending on the narrative voice we use. This narrative voice within each of us was developed in childhood by our parents, siblings, family, caregivers and teachers. The narrative voice they passed onto us is usually not deliberate although some of us may be lucky enough to have been raised in situations where our caregivers were not only aware of their own internal narrative but also the effects of their words on others around them.

The narrative voice we inherit was passed down to them by their own parents, teachers or caregivers and some of these narratives are full of judgement, shame, fear and pessimism. This narrative voice is heard most clearly when we forget something and scold ourselves for being careless, forgetful, stupid, etc. Or when we discourage ourselves from doing something or voicing something out of fear of what others may say based on stories in our head about how we think people may react which creates anxiety. It’s this voice that will determine the stories you not only tell yourself and others but also how you treat yourself and others.

Image by James Timothy Peters from Pixabay

For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic there are a few common narratives that will result; the most common being that the person who did that is a jerk (or insert your own colourful driving expletives here as needed), but the second story is that the person was simply following Google Maps which has probably made a lot of us hastily switch lanes to avoid being rerouted. The second story may not be the default but in trying to understand why and essentially forgiving that person for an indiscretion we have all committed at some point makes for a nicer story so you can just get on with your journey whereas the first tale may leave you uttering curses that would make a sailor blush and leave you feeling irritated or stressed. You will probably never get proof or confirmation of why that person cut you off so why torment yourself with annoyance when you can tell an equally likely story and move on?

Stories have three tenses. There are the stories we tell ourselves about things that happened in the past, which are by no means fixed. We are rewriting them throughout our life depending on who we tell them to or if we learn more information about the situation or ourselves. We can also simply decide that there are other ways that the story can be told. The stories that are happening now are the inner voice buzzing around in our head when we’re working or talking to or about someone else. These present tense stories happen when someone walks by and we judge them or create a story about the person despite not knowing them. Sometimes these stories are curious and whimsical or perhaps they’re dismissive and critical. However, if you find that the latter is a constant companion in your people-watching, consider how this very same critical narrator also cuts you down or stops you from feeling comfortable in your own skin. We also have stories about the future, such as what we are having for dinner or our career hopes in five years. These stories are what we hope or plan to do and the outcome is determined by our own self-belief which is entirely down to how we perceive our past. We often pepper future tense stories with anxiety, fear and doubt. And as with salt, a sprinkle is a good way to contrast the hope with a flavor of the risk involved, but too much and you can’t enjoy the dish or move beyond the anxiety to realise these dreams.

Image by Дарья Яковлева from Pixabay

There is a terrifying story keeping us from doing something or forcing us to continue doing something regardless of how accurate or true this story is. Our anxiety is so great that is keeps us from checking on how true it is, effectively holding us hostage to a fictional story. Maybe you’ve always wanted to travel but were worried about taking time off or are afraid to leave a bad relationship or want to wear a latex chicken suit when shopping for groceries but are afraid of being ridiculed or you’ve always wanted to change careers but were afraid of failing. Unless we try for ourselves or challenge our “buts”, we are stuck in the uncomfortably draughty hallway of uncertainty which can lead to the cellar of regret.

There are also inspiring stories that arm us with the courage to do something we’ve never done before, continue when times are tough or face something that frightens us. And even if things don’t go as planned, we have a better story to tell ourselves and others about what we learned. And in telling these stories to ourselves we make the listener feel better about their own experiences that didn’t turn out quite as planned. We all have that one friend who listens without judgement to whatever we tell them because they are open about their own setbacks with stories that are told in a matter-of-fact or affectionate manner. These are often the friends we look forward to catching up with and leave feeling lighter for the chance to trade stories. A curious, optimistic, empathetic, kind and loving narrative voice allows us to create narratives full of triumphs, learning and possibility where we are the hero rather than the victim. It allows for mistakes and forgives so that we aren’t lugging around heavy burdens of guilt, fear or shame unnecessarily.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Sometimes we are hostage to another person’s version of a story, portraying us as a villain or denying our version of event as we experienced them. This may not necessarily bother us with people we don’t care for but can be extremely upsetting when they are people close to us or within our community. If we are not comfortable sharing our experiences or have others correcting our narratives it can significantly affect our overall health. Boris Cyrulnik talks about this in his book Resilience noting the difference in Holocaust Survivors who were able to bear witness to their experiences as opposed to those that were actively discouraged from sharing their experiences or even having their experiences diminished by those within their community.

Stories can also act as self-fulfilling prophecies that can determine outcomes in our future. And as with many things this can be employed to our benefit or detriment. In 1964 Harvard professor Robert Rosenthal conducted a fascinating experiment with elementary school students in San Francisco where teachers were told some of their students were particularly gifted when they were no different to their peers in terms of intellect. Over the course of two years Rosenthal followed the progress of the allegedly gifted students to find that they had flourished under the tutelage and care of these teachers who were led to believe that these students were on the verge of intellectual greatness. And as many who were labelled as troublemakers by teachers can attest, it often tended to demotivate and demoralize them so that they were more likely to get into trouble.

Image by Sasin Tipchai from Pixabay

If your narrative voice was nurtured by a teacher who saw great things in your future then it is more likely that you will have a kinder, more encouraging internal voice. However, if your teacher didn’t think you’d ever amount to anything that voice may stick with you and colour your stories with darker hues.

So how do we take control of our personal narratives to use it to our own advantage? A Buddhist monk once told me that we are what we consume. This goes beyond food, extending to the media we consume and even the people we choose to spend time with. And just as a variety of foods helps ensure a healthy diet full of nutrients, it’s also important to have a variety of stories in our life as well as people. If you consume only horror films and serial killer documentaries, this could colour the way you see the world just as a diet that consisting of exclusively of pizza and ice cream would fail to provide all the nutrients required to stay healthy. A varied diet of stories from books, film, streaming series, video games, people, etc provide us with a plethora of narratives and can also help expand our perspective, particularly when we consume stories about people from different backgrounds or experiences. This can also help us develop empathy for others as well as our past or future selves.

Having a broad network of friends and acquaintances can help in a similar way. If you surround yourself with people who only share your values, perspective and interest, the world can be a very small place with a limited potential for personal narrative. Imagine being stranded on a remote island with just one or two books or films downloaded to a laptop. Even your favourite stories would get stale pretty fast. In having a diverse network of friends and acquaintances you may not always agree or understand where they are coming from, but there is an opportunity to learn what their own story is so that you can better appreciate how they arrived at their values and opinions. You don’t have to go out and befriend someone who is at odds with all you stand for and believe in, but in knowing others’ experiences you also have a chance to see where your common threads of humanity lie and learn to accept some differences. This also makes it easier to tolerate and even embrace the world as large since it will be full of different experiences, opinions and values.

Image by Oberholster Venita from Pixabay

Family is a trickier topic since we don’t tend to choose our families, but we can choose how we respond to them. This may not always be easy, especially if you are trying to shift your own inner narrator from critical, judgmental, disciplinarian to supportive coach and caregiver. This new inner narrative voice can also be externalized to provide family members with an alternate narrative as well. In these instances, it can be a matter of gently correcting negative statements by asking when there are exceptions to those statements or reframing in them in a more positive way. This takes a bit of practice and often some planning ahead where you may want to discuss or even rehearse with a friend or write it out in a journal. And in some instances where family dynamics are a significant cause of distress or are abusive it may be better to create some distance to heal or even move on altogether.

With both friends and family, it’s important to pay attention to how they frame or interpret events that form their personal narrative and seep into yours as well. Do they speak negatively or gossip about others in a judgmental way or are they more interested in how events or choices affected them, or others involved? How do you feel after hearing their stories? Are you inspired or does that influence the way you see yourself? It’s also important to consider how open they are your version of events even if it conflicts with their own. It’s also important to consider how you feel before sharing your anecdotes. Are you afraid how they may interpret your behaviour or do you look forward to recounting an experience with them because they ask interesting questions that allow you to explore your own interpretation of what happened?

A strong narrative voice is critical in helping us make sense of our past to create a story so we can find our own lessons seeing how past adversities and even traumas shaped us into resilient and capable people able to create a better future for ourselves. For this to happen we need to have a support network of loved ones, friends, family and members of the community to reinforce the positive aspects of our story or help us to reframe it so we can craft a narrative that encourages resilience. When something particularly traumatic happens to us enlisting the help of a counsellor, coach, mentor or therapist can help us make sense of the events and help us piece together a narrative bridge that gets us over the other side.

Image by Tumisu from Pixabay

In writing or recounting your story it’s important to understand the difference between perspective and fiction. If you were to participate in a race and come in second or even last you would absolutely want to look at all that you learned and perhaps even write about how there is a sense in victory in merely participating or finishing. This authenticity helps you to see yourself with kindness and inspires others to do the same. What you certainly don’t want to do is say that you came in first because then it is simply fiction which can create issues with how you see yourself and be indicative of issues you might be having around your own self-worth. Creating a fictional narrative for yourself also makes it hard to build intimacy and relationships with others.

The best way to start changing your story is to journal. Write out your daily experiences without a filter to see what comes up. Are you always the hero of your story, the victim, the sinner, the saint or is there variety? What language and tone do you use when recounting your day in your journal and how does it make you feel when you reread it weeks or months later? Hafiz once wrote “The words you speak become the house you live in.” Is the home you are building a comfortable sanctuary for yourself where others feel welcome? And if you aren’t happy in this house know that you have all the tools to redesign, renovate or even rebuild at will.

-Danielle West 19 January 2020

Thank you for reading. You can also find a link to the audio for this article on Anchor or Spotify.