7 Relationship Red Flags And What They Really Mean
By: Kirsty Armstrong
Tags: Equality, Relationships, Relationships Love Dating, Love, Women

These red flags are waving like crazy and they’re trying to tell you something.

Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash

Unhealthy relationship behaviours can lead down a slippery slope, and quickly. Often words and actions follow patterns and cycles and can escalate into something quite out of control. But, one thing is for sure, all of this had to start somewhere.

The thing about some of these red flags is that they are covert. Meaning, that they can appear innocent or at least be explained away as innocent — by the person doing the behaviour or even by the person experiencing it.

Don’t be so sure that all is what it seems — these red flags are a sure sign things aren’t all roses, and it’s time to listen to your intuition, and be safe.

1. You get blamed for everything

What’s the goal? Avoiding responsibility

Basically, everything is your fault. You will be blamed for all the problems in and out of the relationship. Even things outside of your control will be your fault. You will be blamed for saying how you feel, what you think or even whatever has caused your partner to be upset.

Things will be turned around on you, and you may hear something like “if you didn’t make me so mad, I wouldn’t have to yell. Now look what you’ve done”.

What’s next? No responsibility means no change

Any form of change can only occur when the person admits there is a problem worth addressing. Constant deflection and avoidance of responsibility are not congruent with change.

2. Your partner doesn’t like your family or friends

What’s the goal? Isolation

Your partner will badmouth your family and friends, and accuse your friends of not liking them (which is probably true). This prep work for isolating you is all aimed at seclusion down the track.

Your partner may demand you don’t see your friends or family. Perhaps the only people you soon find yourself associating with are their family. The goal here is concealing all these other red flags and what better way of hiding these than to not have any prying eyes around.

The reality is if your support people are not around they can’t talk you out of leaving — mission accomplished for your partner!

What’s next? Dependence

Eventually, you will be totally secluded from your support network. If down the track you want to leave the relationship, it will be that much more challenging when you have no one to turn to for help.

3. You’re walking on eggshells

What’s the goal: Intimidation

This feeling of tension creates an atmosphere of waiting and wondering when things will erupt. Your partner has created a sense of fear where simply a look keeps you in your place.

Tension makes you do anything to avoid the situation from getting worse. You placate your partner. You feel you can prevent any escalations, perhaps thinking “I’ll just keep out of his way until he calms down.”

What’s next? Escalation

Keeping a lid on the simmering tension can’t last. Eventually, things will boil over, and the abuse will escalate. You simply can not keep another person’s behaviour under wraps.

4. Other people are treated better than you

What’s the goal? To makes you believe it’s you who is the problem

So, your partner treats others well. More the point, you are treated differently to everyone else. Your partner is polite and courteous to their work colleagues, family, and friends.

This behaviour is selective because not only is abuse a choice, but abusive behaviour is about power and control. Friends and coworkers are treated well because your partner simply has no need to assert dominance over them.

What’s next? Creating confusion

Your partner will excuse this behaviour away. They are maintaining their double life and keeping up appearances so that if this behaviour were to surface, no one would believe it anyway. They are so nice, remember?

5. Your partner punishes you

What’s the goal? Control

You may experience several ways to be punished: silent treatment, withdrawal of attention or affection, name-calling or berating. You may find yourself apologising for things you didn’t do, just to get things back to ‘normal’.

This punishment — for anything — plays with your ability to cope, your mental health and makes you question everything.

What’s next? Low-self worth

Being on the receiving end of this behaviour inevitably creates low self-worth and low self-esteem. You begin to believe all the things you are told, and you believe everything is your fault. You begin to believe you deserve all of this.

6. Your partner is always jealous

What’s the goal? Control

Jealousy will come out in different ways — your relationships, accusations of affairs or even your successes. You can’t have friends because those friends threaten your partner for whatever reason.

When it comes to accusations of you cheating on your partner, anyone is fair game (men or women). You are accused of having affairs you have not had. This makes you always have to prove your loyalty which is aimed at furthering control.

Your successes at work can’t be celebrated as this may be a reflection on your partner and how they feel threatened by your achievements.

They feel inferior. Your fault again.

What’s next? Complete isolation

Jealousy is an uncomfortable emotion, and your partner doesn’t want to feel it, who would? To combat this feeling, you may be forbidden to have any contact with people who are perceived to be ‘threatening’. That way, your partner regains control and feels better about themselves, for now.

7. Your mental health is used against you

What’s the goal: To make you feel like you’re going mad

You may have existing mental health conditions, or not. Your partner knows this and will play on it and use it against you. They may purposefully do things that create anxiety, then berate you when you have a panic attack.

They may know you have a history of abuse and say something that will trigger you. You are called crazy if you challenge them — it’s just all in your head.

You are continuously told that no one else will put up with your depression, anxiety or whatever. Your partner is a saint for putting up with all of your shit.

What’s next? Your mental health declines

Rather than supporting positive mental health, your partner only makes it worse, purposefully. You will not be supported to improve your mental health because there is an active effort to make it all worse. To keep you feeling low.

Takeaway…

Unhealthy behaviour now are red flags for further relationship abuses. Violence and abuse of any kind — including emotional abuse s— are a choice.

These are times where you may think, “he’s such a nice guy” or “she’s so amazing” Well, nice guys don’t play mind games or make you feel intimated or scared. Amazing girls don’t make you question your mental health, your sanity and your reality. Nice people — guys or girls — don’t make you feel unworthy.

These are red flags, and they have the power to escalate into more severe and harmful behaviour. You have the right to be in a relationship that feels safe. Trust yourself that you know can make decisions to keep yourself emotionally safe.

Know that you deserve to have a partner who doesn’t make power and control the foundation of your relationship.