5 Compelling Reasons to Write About Your Painful Secrets
By: Liz Porter
Tags: Spirituality, This Happened To Me, Self Improvement, Inspiration, Writing

This article was inspired by a very close friend and is therefore dedicated to her and her healing heart — we’ll call her Athena. Others came to mind as I wrote this with love and an insatiable need to comfort them with my words; they’ll know who they are.

Life is full of tragedy, and I know you’ve suffered through your share.

We grieve for loved ones who pass away, we get divorced and deal with abuse. We fight cancer, go bankrupt and have major fallouts with our families, all of which can play havoc with our lives.

Sometimes it’s too much to process, but we find ways to move through it — don’t we?

We tuck the tough stuff away and push our feelings down. The pain can be so excruciating that dealing with it head-on seems impossible. So we cope by distracting ourselves, like working 24/7 or burying ourselves in other people’s problems. We spend hours in the gym, go for long walks, tell everyone we’re fine and get comfortably numb with our favourite wine, anything to avoid those prying eyes and requests to talk about our feelings.

We refuse to open up as a solution to hurting more.

We feel afraid and ashamed by the turbulence of our inner thoughts and emotions. We decide we must fight to overcome our grief and get a grip quickly or risk falling apart on an epic level.

We also decide sharing our pain leaves us open for judgement, questions we don’t want to answer, and unsolicited opinions we don’t care to hear.

Getting vulnerable seems like a horrible idea.

Crying is for babies, after all, so we hold it back and get angry when we can’t keep our tears in check any longer. We say things to ourselves like, “suck it up buttercup,” “toughen up man,” or “put your big girl panties on,” it’s just another day to endure; you’ve got this.

We tend not to share the compassion we have for others with ourselves.

These tendencies are described as avoidance coping, and it can cause anxiety to snowball because we end up experiencing more of the very thing we’re trying to escape.

But as life piles it on, it gets harder to keep our emotions from bubbling over.

Exceptional people come and go from our lives that make us stronger. Love keeps seeping in to threaten our adamant resolve. Eventually, we feel an overwhelming need just to let go of the past and let God take the wheel.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

Unfortunately, I can relate, and I’m guilty of all the above, so I understand completely.

Pain avoidance is a natural and reasonable response to trauma.

Counselling helps, but to be honest, I could never summon enough trust with a stranger to come clean and tell all. So eventually, things started to boil over in my life; I couldn’t get one mess cleaned up before another emerged and threatened to take over.

Ignoring the cracks in my armour as I got older wasn’t working either. We all want to be better, do better and feel better. I found The Change Triangle by Hilary Jacobs to be very helpful as I learned more about why I became so defensive when I felt emotional.

That’s when I realized I’d developed a robust defence system.

It resembled a stone fortress with massive gates and padded walls. My silence (and avoidance)began to hurt me more than my painful experiences had. I decided then to pray for relief, and my guarded, angry heart.

My answer came immediately, and I see now that God has spoken some of those same words to you, my dear friend, that’s why sharing your story is on your mind.

Write, Athena. Share your pain, let the tears fall and smear the ink. Your journey is for a reason and only you have the power to inspire others with it. The process will heal you in return, even if you’re not ready to share your words.

Photo by Sam Hull on Unsplash

Take small steps, but go where the pain is and start writing today.

Here’s why…

“What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.” — Brené Brown

Find Out What You Think — There’s nothing like a satisfying uncensored vent on paper to find out what you sincerely think about things. There is no worry about offending or hurting anyone in the process, so you become uncensored. Reading it back allows you to see what’s eating at you at your core; trust me, you’ll have some ‘’aha’’ moments. Take Leaps Instead of Steps in Your Personal Growth — Writing rather than thinking about your pain is cathartic. The methodical process helps you come to terms with more of your feelings. You’ll see them for what they are, therefore making it easier to separate yourself from the fear and shame that surround them. Your pain will lead to self-awareness if you allow yourself to experience it fully. Protect Your Health — Build a healthy relationship with your mind for your body’s sake. Allowing anxiety and fear to fester too long will eventually cause physical illness. Writing requires using the analytical left side of your brain, leaving your creative right side to relax and play. It will calm your mind, reduce your stress and, in turn, strengthen your immune system. Process your Pain and Grief — Writing about your internal pain and grief helps make meaningful connections between your thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Capturing them on paper allows you to enhance your sense of well being by putting things in perspective. Help Others with Your Story — Finding a way to learn from difficult times in our lives is something we should all strive for as a personal goal. But taking that next step and sharing your story is transformational in your healing process. Your pain will shrink away as you help others with your words. You won’t have to be an expert in anything; you need to get vulnerable while sharing your story. Show others they aren’t alone and that there is hope for us all.

For some, myself included, expressing private thoughts and uneasy feelings can be extremely difficult, regardless of your desire to do so.

Writing in my private journal was the first step to understanding that it wasn’t necessarily my personality that kept me from sharing, but the fact that I’d suppressed so much of myself over the years that I was completely blocked.

It was a struggle to write the simplest things. I’d pushed my emotions away and for so long that it was difficult to pull them back to the surface.

However, as I persisted, the process helped me open up, even though it was just for myself. Reading it back was eye-opening and allowed me to see more lurking under the surface than I realized.

Photo by Jene Yeo on Unsplash

The healing had begun, but I wanted to clear my demons away in their entirety. So eventually, I tackled writing a memoir, and it allowed me to separate myself from that hurt little girl on the pages and see how far I’d come in my life.

Unfortunately, I did have to revisit those horrible and hurtful places to make it happen. I had to feel all that pain again in my heart and my mind as I chose my words.

The process of writing that book took many years. It was full of torment and tears, but the effect was life-changing. I no longer recognize the girl in those chapters. She’s a stranger to me now.

I forgave myself on a profound level and began to love and trust myself again.

I want that for you too.

“Write hard and clear about what hurts.” — Ernest Hemmingway

In my way, and in my own time, I was able to release my anger, shame, and guilt. All my suppressed feelings left me to fill the pages.

Feeling vulnerable and exposed, it once again took all of my resolve to publish it. Knowing that if I could help even one girl in the world, as I had helped myself, it would all be worth it.

My words exist now for those who suffer and need hope. I believe they will find connection, comfort and promise in my vulnerability.

It is the good that has come from the bad.

So write, trust your faith and rejoice in the sweet relief of unblocking your emotions. Stare them down with intention and refuse the control they exercise over you.

You’ve faced too much tragedy in your life to hold it all in. It’s time to share your journey, and now you know that in your heart.

Writing from that very place and working through your pain is a sign of strength you won’t find in the gym. You aren’t protecting those that hurt you any longer; you’re allowing them to hold you hostage.

First, you’ll find forgiveness for yourself, and eventually, for those that hurt you deeply.

Cry hard, grieve, tell the whole truth, let it out, and then let it go.

There is no shame in your story — only hope and healing.

If you enjoyed that, you might find further inspiration in this story.

I’m Liz, the self-empowered, red wine & coffee lovin’’, personal growth fanatic behind this article. I’ve stopped shrinking into places I’ve outgrown, and I’m a fan of straight talk and practical solutions. That’s why I’m here to Empower, Educate and Entertain.