Tis Freeing
By: Moray Ill
Tags: Self-awareness, Journal, Self Love, Blog

Tis Freeing

It’s been quite the year and I have nothing to show for it. I’m being hard on myself, obviously. I don’t know when I acquired the trait of self-deprecation, but this year has really exacerbated the voice’s tone.

However, one thing I realized is that this voice, possibly Saturnian in its nature, isn't’ fading away. Trying to stamp it out till it’s just a hum isn’t a possibility. Because even then I would hear the monotonous tone in the background, reminding me that its existence will pervade every action I take.

So, instead of whining and cowering, I’m going to embrace the process. My co-worker made it very clear that I’m denying my wisdom and experience for the world. And it’s true. What’s the purpose of a dragon hoarding jewels and riches in his cave? As I sit I begin to notice that I fear losing value. In my belief of myself, I have this odd logic that my mystique is the power I wield. When everyone hears of the jewels guarded by a terrible Reptile there is an urge to face the challenge and obtain a piece for themselves. At least that's the way I see it, for me. Maybe my vision is cloudy and the mirror I peer into needs to be wiped down so I can take notice that I don’t have to think so highly of myself. Although I do notice that at the moment I begin to think less of myself and commit to actions that question my esteem, I get burned.

And I think with all that’s happened this year, 2020 = 4 = 死, I can't be selfish with myself anymore. That’s not to say that I’m just giving myself away…because unfortunately when I don’t feel desirable, wanted, or respected in the way I want it for myself, I then try and put myself into situations that give me a quick boost of superficial confidence. And truth be told, having people tell you that you’re perfect or unique, doesn’t hit the same when it’s someone you know that matters.

2020 hasn’t revealed much, aside from the truth that mysticism pervades everything I step into. However, 2020 has affirmed within my mind's eye that I must stick to the character I’ve been denying myself from becoming. The idea is there, which is the start. But living the character completely means one gains providence in their movements.

I have to trust in the wisdom of my body. And curb the habits of my past that wish to divert steps towards my future. I often make excuses for my actions via the divine. However, I also know the grand design makes me aware of the tests I’m suppose to study and pass. I fail all to often, because of my negligence and sensuous desires.

But today, the belief that I’m on this journey alone is crippled by the fact that I have friends who want to journey with me. Even as introverts, we want the excitement of life and the tenacity to say we’re capable of defying the odds and overcoming whatever bosses challenge our existence.

Today I’m much more open about who I am and where I want to be. And while I do waver between sensible and fantastical, I must hold the truth that my worth is based in myself and extends to those who actively want the best for me.

Today I give you hoes nothing but authenticity.

Today I deem you hoes nothing.

Tomorrow I act in accordance with my phantasy.

And from here on, I set my worth beyond what most can afford.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t share what I have. I’m a greedy bitch, but I’m not stingy.