Conversations With A Gaslighter
By: Michelle Jaqua
Tags: Life Lessons, Emotional Abuse, Relationships, Self, Self-awareness

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in order to gain power over another person. It is done purely as a way to have control over someone.

The person does this by getting you to question your own sanity. It’s a form of mental health abuse, and it’s used mostly by Narcissists and other types of abusers.

It can be used by either gender, but men are more likely to use this form of abuse towards their intimate female partners. (source)

What does a real gaslighting conversation sound like?

I’ve come up with a handful of situations that can be considered gaslighting by the other person, from personal experience.

Photo by Ricardo Gomez Angel on Unsplash

Throws your questions back at you

You: “What did you say to them?”

GL: “What did YOU say to them?!?”

They will repeat your question verbatim back to you. This is to get the focus off of themself and put it on you.

It’s juvenile and maddening, but they don’t stop, and you find you can’t have a decent conversation with them at all.

Recounts a conversation in specific, but partially accurate detail to make their point

The GL will go into detail about something that happened between you, but will put a negative spin on it to benefit them, and will usually leave out key elements of the interaction.They do this to discount you and to prove their own point over a conflict.

This leaves you thrown-off and confused, as you’re now on the defensive and spending your mental energy trying to remember exactly how something happened, on defending yourself, and debunking this pseudo-history, instead of focusing on the issue at hand.

Normalizes bad behavior

The GL with behave badly and then justify the behavior as if it’s normal and everyone does it. They will put themselves in the category of everyone else who makes bad mistakes, therefore, being human. The difference is that a normal person will have regret for their bad behavior and work hard on never doing it again. The GL won’t do this, but rather, give themselves the okay to continue behaving badly.

GL: Drives home drunk. Again. They already have a DUI and you are upset about this ongoing reckless behavior.

GL: “Everyone drinks and drives. EVERYONE. Your brother drove home after having a beer at the game. Your best friend drank a glass of wine and drove home the other night. See, everyone does it. Quit making such a big deal about it.”

Undermines your emotions in order to deny your reality.

On the other hand, they also abnormalize a very normal feeling or behavior you’re experiencing, such as being anxious, sad, or afraid of something.

“Quit crying, you’re too sensitive. Nobody else gets that upset.”

“Stop acting crazy! God, you’re always so dramatic.”

“I was just joking! Quit being so serious.” (this one seems to be very common)

“That never happened. You’re imagining things.”

“You’re upset over nothing.”

Uses anecdotal situations to turn the focus of blame onto you

Any negative focus gets shifted from them onto you. So, if you approach them with a problem, they turn it around to show that you’re the problem.

Before you know it, you’re defending yourself against accusations, rather than focusing on what you’ve originally approached them about.

You: After they’ve been out late again for the 3rd time in one week. “I don’t like that you come home so late at night without calling me.”

GL: “Well, you’ve done that too. You didn’t come home until late that one time and I wondered where you were. You do it as much as I do.”

What you’ll later remember, after that argument, is that you left them a message that one time because they didn’t answer the phone, and you were home by 11pm, not 3am. And you did it once. So no, you don’t do it as much as they do.

Talks over you, or shuts down completely

Eventually this becomes a shouting match as you are both trying to talk at the same time. When you finally get a moment to speak uninterrupted, they stop interacting with you completely.

They act like a statue, not speaking or moving. It’s like talking to a brick wall. There’s nothing left to do but leave the conversation without any resolution.

Their actions are different than their words

You: “Will you empty the garbage?”

GL: *crickets*

You: “Hey, did you hear me? I need you to empty the garbage.”

GL: “Sure.” *Doesn’t get up from the couch. Ever.

Brings up multiple issues at once during an argument

When they’re arguing, they bring several grievances into the conversation, without letting you address them one at a time. They put all of them on the table at once, leaving you in a mode of defensiveness because you’ve just been hammered with an attack.

At the end, there’s so many things to address, you’re unable to even remember half of them, and the original reason gets lost.

GL: “You’re always nagging me, you never say anything nice, I hate that shirt you’re wearing…”

You: “But…”

GL: “Quit interrupting me! You don’t know how to drive, you….”

Exhibits egregious behavior over any small transgression, or even a normal question

GL: Wakes up and walks into the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

You: Standing in the kitchen, “Good morning! How are you this morning?”

GL: In an annoyed voice, “Geez, I’m fine. God, why would you think there’s something wrong with me?!”

You: Sips coffee, saying nothing in return.