The Great Injustice of Today’s SA Survivors with Bill Cosby’s Release
By: Maloree Hansen
Tags: Bill Cosby, Awareness, Mental Health, Sexual Assault, PTSD

TRIGGER WARNING: SEXUAL ASSAULT

There truly are not enough words in the English language, or any other one for that matter, to describe the disappointment that I feel knowing that Bill Cosby has been released from prison after so little time served.

It is an absolute injustice to not only the survivors of his attacks, but also to sexual assault survivors everywhere…

To me.

I have heard many individuals make jokes about the Bill Cosby situation… They are not funny, they never have been, they never will be.

The thing that someone who has not been assaulted before cannot understand is that there is no going back to the person that you were before it happened. That trust never returns in the same way.

Hyper-Vigilance takes its place and suddenly the world that once felt so beautiful and full of potential is now a world that seeks to hurt you for saying no to sex; no to making out; no to having your top taken off…

The first time that I experienced sex in any way was when I was sexually assaulted. I will not go into the details of what happened because frankly, it is no one’s business.

Did you know, that someone is not legally able to grant consent if they are under the influence of something that renders them incapacitated?

I was assaulted 3 weeks after my first wrist surgery. I was still taking hydrocodone for my pain. What happened, happened multiple times. He guilt tripped me, told me that I owed it to him after he himself said something along the lines of, “I’ve been so cool about you being too tired to do things after focusing on school and your injury.”

Owed it to him… I don’t owe anyone ANYTHING. When I told him I wanted to slow down, he told me things like, “I’m not using you for sex, I could go have sex with any girl if I wanted to.” As though that was supposed to be comforting to me… and he didn’t slow down.

When I told him that I was not comfortable with being touched yet, he made it about him. He touched me anyways.

This guy told me that girls are either a prude or a slut. If you don’t have sex, you are a prude. If you do have sex, you’re a slut.

I have never been the same person since this happened to me. A part of me locked itself in my body somewhere and has yet to fully return. I was sixteen. I am twenty-two and still suffer from PTSD from what happened.

Every time a person makes a Bill Cosby joke, I am reminded of the dangers of this world for me when I say no. Whenever I reject someone, I have genuine fear. I do not know what they will do. Everyone and everything becomes very unpredictable when someone you thought to be a good person does something so horrible to you and talks their way out of it like nothing happened. He made me feel bad for the fact that he continued to touch me and kiss me after I said no.

Just know, survivors never forget when a person makes a joke about sexual assault. I will never forget a friend of mine telling me that what happened to me was ‘not that bad’ and that he would still play video games with him.

For the record, I am not a victim… I am a survivor. He is a sexual predator, not a boy who was doing what boys do. Bill Cosby is a sexual predator who does not deserve freedom. He deserves to be locked up in a jail cell for the rest of his life, in my opinion.

This is why concepts like the friend zone are so dangerous for women. It provides this idea to society that women exist as sex objects and not as individuals outside of romantic and sexual events.

I have felt like a sexual object for as long as I can remember because of this boy and it has provided me with so much shame, but I will not carry that shame for his actions. Many in my personal life know the boy who sexually assaulted me. I have avoided saying his name for fear of scrutiny in the way that society views people who speak up about assault.

I won’t be silent forever. None of us should be silenced. I will fight for every person who has lost that trust in the world like I have. I will fight to ensure that my future children grow up in a world where they are not told they are liars or making things up. I will fight to exist in a world where we do not inherently accuse people of lying about being assaulted for attention.

This event did not bring me attention, it brought me shame and derailed my life.

If I had known more, I could have stopped more from happening. I could have protected myself. I won’t fail to protect myself again, I make that promise to myself. It is time we start to reflect on the fact that a man drugged women so he could do things to them that they did not consent to and he is now a free man.

The justice system has failed me. It has failed all sexual assault survivors endlessly.

#MeToo