I have no Choice, My Dear Parents
By: Rabia Mustafa
Tags: Men, Love Marriage, Arranged Marriage, Choices, Desi

A Typical Desi Mard (male) dilemma.

Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

In Asia, especially in Pakistan and India, there is a deeply rooted tradition of arranged marriage. The tradition is that the family members of a boy go to see a girl in her home. The girl serves food and shows them her ‘mannerism’. Boy’s family members, most probably mother, looks at the girl from head to toe. She judges her character, way of speaking, her complexion, education, mannerisms and many ,many other things in just one sitting and then rejects on one simple thing such as ‘girl’s complexion is not fair or she is a bit healthy or she is short etc’. Once my friend told me that a family came to see her and the mother placed her hand under my chin and pulled it towards her to see my friend’s face more ‘clearly’. Pathetic!!!

Well, this was just a context; I want to say something else.

I want to talk about that man who sends his parents to another home to choose a girl for him.

Frankly speaking, I don’t like those men. (Blunt? Yes. Usually I don’t say bad about anyone, I know, but I have to be clear what I think about them).

I have certain things that I think about them. They want arrange marriage for certain reasons:

1. Well, some guys tell their parents about their ‘preferences’ regarding a girl because it seems more easy than trying. Like seriously? In this way you would only get ‘appearances’. Or maybe they only want appearances.

2. When a male wants an arrange marriage, he doesn’t have a choice of his own. So he gives all the matter to his parents. Or sometimes he thinks about his ideal girl but still gives the matter to his family. Lazy and lame!!

3. Some guys want arranged marriage because they are tired of finding a girl on their own. Well, in that case I can pity them as they don’t have any guts. They deserve ‘arranged girl’. Or may be they are simply shy.

4. Sometimes a guy wants an arrange marriage as he has done a lot of ‘girlfriend stuff’ already. Now he wants ‘shareef (pious)’ girl for him because his girlfriends are just ‘outside girls’. (like really?). There is a very crucial point here. How can a boy be sure that the girl he is getting via ‘arranged marriage’ hasn’t gone out with someone? Can’t she be the girlfriend of someone else? Don’t you see a cycle runs here? It is. And that is called “karma”, my dear.

5. Some guys are simply like a lump attached to their parents. They are so simple, pious and dedicated sons. They cannot do anything of their own. Every decision will be taken by their elders. So do I even need to talk about them? I guess you can understand my point here.

6. Often a guy is simply broken up by someone. He simply gives his strings to his parents. Rest is the history. They don’t believe in next effort.

7. Well, some parents are so strict that they do not allow their children to like someone. They think if a boy brings a girl of his own choice, she might be a bad seed for the family; hence, she cannot be trusted. Therefore, they decide to bring the girl of their ‘choice’. Seems ridiculous, isn’t it? Hence, a boy will marry the girl of his parents’ choice, not his.

8. Sometimes a guy is so young. He has tied a knot even before he is properly aware. I think they are out of our discussion.

9. Sometimes a male likes a girl and tells his parent that he has chosen a girl. At this point, parents become so stubborn and judgmental. They think their son has no guts to choose a girl. See, even your own parents think you a dumb person. Don’t you see? Sometimes they think a girl would be bad because in our society if a girl falls in love, she isn’t a good girl.

10. In most families, parents tell their kids, “this is your cousin, and you have to marry her, only. Otherwise, there would be clashes in our families”. Such men are so afraid because of family ties, they agree with their parents’ will. Simple and the most common story.

11. Now come a hypocrite male of our society. He would love a girl, date her and at the end would say, “My parents won’t accept you, so I can’t marry you”. You know what would they do? They will marry someone else’ girlfriend in the shape of ‘arranged marriage’. That’s called IRONY.

My God, there are so many points. I didn’t know there are so many types. If I think more I will write more categories. I think that’s enough.

My point is why is this culture so strong? In this society, a male is in a relatively better position but he is still sending his parents to some strange girl and then gonna marry her. I don’t like it. If he doesn’t have a choice of his own or guts to choose the girl, I cannot think high of him. Simple.