What depression feels like.
By: Irene Patitucci
Tags: Teenagers, Stories, Depression, Mental Health, Psychology

When I was 14 years old, I had an idea.

An idea that would finally set me free.

Free from the people talking behind my back. Free from the feeling of never being enough. Free from the feeling of being wrong. Free from not being understood.

That idea was a window. More precisely, my bedroom window.

During my first year of high school, when I wasn’t sleeping, or crying, or screaming, I spent my afternoon staring to my bedroom window. And when I wasn’t looking at it, I was thinking about it. In class, while the teacher was yelling at me for failing another test.

‘I’m trying, I really am prof. I try to hold the pen and write but getting up from bed in the morning takes such an effort that I am just too tired to do anything else afterwards. And I did study the day before the test, but my brain is too busy remembering me that I am useless to actually learn something. And I want to pay attention but… I can’t.

Stop telling me I am lazy. I’m not lazy. And I am not rude. And I am not stupid. I’m trying. I swear. I AM TRYING. I just can’t breathe. So many tears come down that I can find a way for air to come in. Sometimes crying takes so much energy that I can’t even stand.

And I can’t talk because I know what people say behind my back already. People would think I am weird. I know they won’t understand me. I can’t understand me. Truth is, I don’t know what is happing to me. I don’t know when answering to “How are you?” became so difficult. Every time people ask me that, I feel guilty.

I feel guilty cause I am not fine, I am not good and… Oh god it’s taking me too much time to answer. What is she going to think? I am going to look so bad… What is she staring at? Is it something wrong with me? Is my make up ruined? My hair is out of place?

Who are those guys? Do I know them? If I do and I don’t say hi they will think I am bad-manned? Will they talk bad about me tomorrow in school? Why are they laughing? Have I walked weird? Is the way I am standing not cool? Is it wrong? Am I wrong?

Why can’t I look ok for once? Why have I dressed like this? I should have worn another outfit! I should have start getting ready earlier! Tomorrow I’ll look better! I promise! Tomorrow I will wake up early, have breakfast, eat healthy all day, workout, do my homework and… no another five minute, please… Please mom let me sleep… Please I’m tired… Yes, I can skip another day of school, it’s not a problem… Mom I said I am tired, I didn’t sleep well… Let me skip the first hour at least, Mom I can’t go to school without make up people will think I’m ugly. Don’t ground me, I’m trying to move I just can’t. I’m scared. I’m scared because I want to get up but I don’t remember how. Why can’t my brain tell my body to move? It has always done it! What’s going on? Am I sick? Will I not be able to move anymore? Will I not be able to talk anymore? Will I not be able to smile anymore? I am crying… I am crying again… I don’t want to cry again. That’s it. I’ll never feel better, it will never get better. I can’t. It’s too hard. And stop telling me to behave!

You don’t know what is wrong with me! I don’t know what is wrong with me! Nobody knows what is wrong with me!

SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME!!”