Stop Reporting for Playtime Duty
By: A. J. Gabs
Tags: Advice, Pandemic, Children, Parenting, Life

Stop Reporting for Playtime Duty

It’s Not Your Job to Play with Your Kids

Image by Thiago Cerqueira on Unsplash

Mommy, will you play with me? I must get asked that question twenty times a day. When my daughter was little, I was terrified of not being a “present parent.” Every time she asked, I would immediately drop what I was doing and play. I always felt a little guilty, too, because, to be honest, I never wanted to play. I started to notice that my daughter would rarely play on her own, didn’t engage in creative play on her own, and seemed overly dependent on me. I began to wonder if my fear of not being present was actually having a counter, negative effect.

When I had my second child, things began to flip. “Mommy, will you play with me” was met with “let me finish emptying the dishwasher.” Or, “mommy needs to put Sissy down for her nap.” I no longer had the time or option to drop everything and play. She went from mommy at her beck and call to mommy not available much of the time. It was a hard switch for her, and one she didn’t take well. She reached out emotionally. That means she started some pretty bad behavior: whining, tantrums, outbursts, taking things from her sister, jumping on the dog . . . all things that she knew would focus us on her.

There had to be a happy medium. Quite frankly, I wish I had done it from the beginning, but I didn’t. Maybe you are on one end of the spectrum: the one where you feel a nagging suspicion that you aren’t present enough. Maybe you are at the other, where you are at your child’s whim and need a break to pee by yourself.

Either way, investing a little time each day to be fully present with your child can strengthen your bond and encourage positive development. It can also help provide them with the security to play independently.

The Problem:

Not all time spent with your kids is quality time (nor does it need to be). You shouldn’t try to force playtime because you feel it’s the right thing to do. Playtime where the caregiver is stressed, uninterested, bored, or doesn’t want to be there- can actually be counter-productive. Trust me — your child can tell.

I’m pretty sure my daughter likes to use playtime to boss me around. It is very scripted, and I’m told exactly how I need to be and react:

“Mommy. We are going to be lions. You are the mommy lion and I am the baby lion. We are going to the grocery store to get lion food, but I want to get ice cream and you tell me no. You make me get carrots instead but I am mad about it, so you decide we can get cereal. Then you have to pick me up and carry me back home from the store because I stepped on something and hurt my paw. You have to be the doctor too and I needed a shot…”

She is the movie director, and I am at her whim. If I don’t follow what has been specifically instructed to me, she gets very upset. If I resist the script or try to change something to make it easier on me, it usually leads to a tantrum, and playtime becomes a very negative experience for all of us.

Science suggests that the magic relationship ratio of positive to negative interactions is 5 to 1. That means there should only be one negative interaction per every five positive ones. This number was posited and researched by Dr. John Gottman, who studied married couples for nearly a decade. He could predict with 90% accuracy whether a couple would get divorced within the first five minutes of watching them interact.

While Gottman’s theory primarily applied to married couples, it’s safe to assume the principles can be applied to any relationship. Negativity is powerful, which is why it takes at least five positive interactions to overcome it. Negative interactions include being emotionally dismissive or unavailable, being critical, or even using negative body language. Those negative interactions need to be “repaired and replaced with validation and empathy.”

I needed to find other ways to be present with my child and maintain our positive mother-daughter bond. Playtime had become a problem.

But, I’m Supposed to Play With My Kids, Right?

In the article “Playing With Children: Should You, and If So, How?” Peter Grey addresses the idea of playing with children. He suggests that “playing with your child is not “play” unless you are both having fun.” But more importantly, he brings up the research of David Lancy, the author of The Anthropology of Childhood, and perhaps the world expert on parent-child relationships.

“In other cultures, and in ours until recent decades, children always had other children around to play with. Parents didn’t feel the need to play with children, and children didn’t particularly want to play with adults, because the children had plenty of more interesting playmates — other children of all ages.”

He explains that children are naturally better playmates than other children because they have similar interests and similar senses of humor. (Additionally, he does make a case for children of various ages playing with each other).

This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t play with your kids. It does mean that when you do play, it should be genuinely fun for both parties. Furthermore, the more you can have your kids play with other children, the better.

Understandably, in these pandemic times, that isn’t easy or even possible. The good news is: we don’t’ always have to fill the “void” of a lack of playmates. There are other ways to be present and bond with our children while encouraging them to play independently.

Other Ways to Be Present:

Involve them in what you “have to do”:

If I am cooking or cleaning, I have found it is far more enjoyable to include my kids rather than try to keep them distracted someplace else. My four year old loves helping me cook, and I try to find SOMETHING she can do. One time she stirred the shredded cheese. My daughters love wiping down baseboards with baby wipes. The vacuum game is fun for the whole family. (My daughters chase me around with their toy vacuums, and we see who can vacuum the most). They can match socks and fold washcloths. Not only am I spending quality time with my kids, but they are also actually helping me sometimes and learning good habits for later.

The first ten and last ten minutes:

I make sure that I am filling my daughter's buckets with my presence and positive affirmations during the first few moments and the last few moments of the day. I think you are going to be brave today. Or at night, I was really proud when you shared your toy with your sister even when you were still playing with it. That was very grown-up and kind. We do our morning and evening rituals together, and I am fully present.

Dr. Harvey Karp, a leading pediatrician, touts the idea of bedtime sweet talk. He points out that children’s minds are little sponges and soak up everything we say to them during those last few moments before sleep. It’s a great time to instill values. And even better, Karp states that: “gentle rocking, soft massages, and cooing lullabies are perfect ways to give quality love at the end of a long, tiring day.”

Do a truly fun activity together:

What is something you truly enjoy doing? Hiking? Baking Cookies? Going for a drive and listening to music? Bring your child along and have them share in your joy. When they are older, those are the memories they are going to talk about. I always loved just driving around with my dad. We never had anywhere to go — we just listened to music and talked. It doesn’t have to be fancy, and it doesn’t have to be expensive.

When you are truly enjoying the time you are spending with your child, they will notice it and feel it. I love dancing, so almost every night we have a dance party before dinner. Sometimes she picks the music and sometimes I do, but we all have a good, fun, silly, twenty minutes of dancing. (And yes, we occasionally put aluminum foil on wooden spoons and sing our hearts out, too.)

Limit your screen time:

I can imagine my husband reading this article, getting to this point, and raising an eyebrow at me. I’m admittedly slightly addicted to my phone. I’m reading the news. I’m reading a science journal. I’m checking my medium stats. I’m browsing Pinterest. I’m going through Zillow for the hundredth time, eyeing all the houses I’m never going to buy but can’t stop looking at. I have a million reasons to look at my phone, but one big reason not to: parents who are constantly distracted by screens have a negative impact on their child.

I am making it a point to look at my phone on my time, not on my children’s time.

Practice Mindfulness:

Many times as I am rocking my baby at night, my husband has pointed out that she didn’t need to rock. It’s true. I try to avoid rocking her to sleep because I am very careful to prevent the development of negative sleep associations, BUT I love holding her. I love smelling her. I love kissing her forehead. I love the way she tries to sing along with me. Since she is my second, we don’t get a lot of alone time together, and those moments are sacred. I love bedtime with my children (that hasn’t always been the case).

I give them absolutely all of me in those moments, and I just focus on enjoying it. If I always viewed bedtime as a chore, I wouldn’t have realized how much I can truly love those minutes.

In Conclusion:

If playing with your children brings you and your kids joy, by all means, do it. It can be a lot of fun for everyone. While it doesn’t replace all the benefits of playing with other children, it can be an important (and fun) bonding experience. But, if playing with kids isn’t your forte, or if you want to encourage them to develop their own creativity- fret not. There are plenty of healthy, positive ways you can form strong, positive attachments with your children. It’s ok to say no when they ask you to play — so long as you are sure to fill their attention bucket in other ways.