How to Achieve Better Sexual Pleasure
By: Marie Lynne
Tags: Sexuality, Women, Men, Culture, Sex

Have you seen the movie, Freaky Friday, in which two characters switch bodies?

Since I have lots of questions, I’d like to swap bodies with a guy. No one in particular, just an average joe.

I want to know what sexual pleasure feels like for a man. To feel the buildup of tension that leads to ejaculation. To compare male and female orgasms. To know what distracts a guy from achieving climax, and what drives him insane with pleasure. To experience the difference between masturbation and intercourse.

What’s it like to have my sex organ dangling out front and to have to hold my penis every time I take a piss? Would its ever-presentness make me hyper-aware of my sexuality?

We accept men as sexual creatures. We even expect it. They have been given the latitude to explore their sexuality. An early introduction to masturbation is presupposed which allows them time and the opportunity to learn what kinds of touch, pressure, and speed are pleasing.

Too often, we make men responsible for a woman’s sexual experience

But it doesn’t stop there. We expect men’s knowledge of sex to extend to their partner.

Does that feel like pressure? Isn’t it scary? Men, do you want the responsibility of your partner’s sexual experience?

Maybe this is something most men have never given any thought. Perhaps it comes so naturally with the territory, they’ve never considered what it might be like not to have the weight of this obligation.

The clitoris and penis have important differences

If I were a guy, I wouldn’t want to be saddled with the responsibility for my partner’s pleasure. Women have more “parts,” for example. There’s the much-ignored clitoris, the vulva that hides our junk, and then the vagina with its few nerve endings. They don’t look like a man’s penis. How’s a guy supposed to know what to do with them?

They don’t react the same either.

Although the penis and clitoris have the same number of nerve endings (8000), the density is vastly different. The surface area of the clitoris is twenty times smaller than the average penis.

Twenty times!

That means the clitoris is an organ that responds readily to touch. Some women’s are so sensitive that they prefer indirect pressure that extends over the entire area, a technique called broadening. These lucky gals can grind up against something to achieve orgasm. Direct touch is often unnecessary and much too sensitive.

Others of us need a lighter touch and different pacing, depending on our arousal level.

Maybe a brush over my clitoris, in the beginning, to tease us awake, then a gentle circular motion in one spot. As we near orgasm, a slightly broader and faster stroke is what we prefer. Please, avoid spending too much time at the peak of the clitoris, called the glans. It’s so sensitive it nearly burns.

Anytime I see videos of someone vigorously rubbing a woman’s genitals, I want to cross my legs and run for the hills. It’s not a penis! Not a penis!

But how’s a guy supposed to manage such a complicated arousal system if each woman needs something a bit different?

Maybe men don’t need to be the sexual expert

I think sex should be approached like a fun life-long project.

What if we all agree that men no longer have to occupy the seat of sexual expert? Instead, every person takes responsibility for his, her, or their sexual pleasure. Let’s agree we will approach our intimate experience as an open-minded learner. To study our partner and ask questions. And to let go of seeing sexual encounters as a test that we either pass or fail.

I think this approach would free many of us from psychological obstacles and blocks.

It certainly would help me. I’ve endured crappy or painful sex out of fear of hurting my partner’s feelings. I’ve been afraid he’d take it personally or, worse yet, he’d shame me for speaking up.

Maybe women need to embrace their sexuality

For many women, advocating for our sexual pleasure is hard work. Most of us have heard since birth that good girls aren’t sexual. It is something that happens to us instead of something we initiate.

We are supposed to be virginal and inexperienced. Only bad girls, sluts, or whores are interested in being aroused.

Cultural myths help to perpetuate this mentality. One silly example claims women who have had many partners end up with sloppy vaginas.

Forgive me for a moment; I’m laughing so hard I need to pick myself up off the floor.

That’s darn-right stupid. It would be like saying frequent sexual activity erodes men’s penises, causing them to shrink in size as the edges wear off.

Really?

The vagina is an amazing muscle that contracts and loosens. Multiple sexual partners can’t stretch it out. If that were true, then all married women who probably enjoy more frequent sex than their single counterparts would have an even worse problem! We would have an epidemic of sloppy vaginas!

This misconception is one example of the powerful messages that have helped shape women’s sexual identities. Is it any wonder why women aren’t good sexual self-advocates?

Let’s approach the bedroom with a nonjudgmental curiosity

How exciting might it be if each of us takes responsibility for our sexual experience? That we come to the bedroom curious and with a sense of humor. And we agree to communicate in a nonjudgmental way about our needs.

Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could shed the unreasonable expectations of each other so we could could begin to know one another? To discover what tickles your fancy and mine. To explore each other’s sexuality so we can go to new heights of pleasure?

We might find our sexual life revitalized.