My Biggest Sexual Revelations of the Year
By: Emma Austin
Tags: Relationships, Sex, Sexuality, Women, Self

When I started blogging about sex, I thought I would be using my writing to help other people discover new things they could try, encourage them to experiment, and give the few pieces of advice I had. But when I look back at the last two years, what stands out the most are all the things I learned about myself.

By the end of my first year of writing, I had explored pussy massages, finally tried out silicone lube, and saw how paying for porn gave me even better ways to get off.

It was also the year I confronted my assumptions that there was a right way to masturbate and a right way to have sex.

I experimented with control play and it turned me the fuck on. And I learned that phone sex could be hot as hell, even for a phone-phobic gal like me.

It was an exciting year and I ended it feeling like I had finally got in touch with myself.

I started 2020 hoping I would discover even more, but part of me worried that I had already sorted it all out. Maybe that was it. I knew my whole sexual deal — I was a soft submissive who liked to masturbate on the phone and was no longer ashamed of jilling off on her stomach. What else was left?

Quite a lot, it turns out.

In some ways, the things I learned about myself in 2019 feel like JV revelations. They were all important. They’re still a big part of who I am. They helped me have much better sex than I would have otherwise.

But it’s the things that I learned over the course of this year that make me feel like my eyes have really been opened.

Since January, I’ve done a lot of experimenting and even more soul-searching. And because I also spent the last twelve months writing and podcasting, I couldn’t be content with vague feelings — I had to find a way to put it all into words.

These are the revelations that stand out as the most significant. They’re the ones that helped me get in touch with myself, made me better at touching myself, and helped me understand what I need to have mindblowing sex.

Technique Plays a Big Role in Squirting

Until I explored it more seriously, I had some misconceptions about squirting.

The first one is that I thought some women just had squirting orgasms and others didn’t. And because my partner never made me squirt, I figured my body just didn’t do that.

But then I found out I could make myself squirt, but only when I masturbated in the shower.

I assumed it was all about positioning. I’ve never squirted in bed or during sex because I wasn’t doing it upright. Maybe it was the exact way I stood when I was in the shower. Maybe it was gravity having some weird effect on my body. But whatever the reason, I would never be able to squirt while I was on my back or my stomach.

At least, that’s what I thought until I unlocked the secret to squirting orgasms.

I did some research and came across some Kenneth Play videos that demonstrated the moves it takes to make your partner gush.

It basically involves fingering the G-spot, but it’s more of a tapping motion than a rubbing one. Instead of stroking with your fingers, you hold them steady and rock your wrist instead.

My husband perfected the technique and can use it to reliably give me some very wet orgasms. It worked so well that I had to buy a waterproof sex blanket because I felt nervous for my sheets every time he fingered me.

I learned first-hand that there are a few different factors that go into squirting. I’m sure some of it is physiological differences, especially since some women squirt every single time they come. Some of it might be about finding the right position and learning to bear down at the right time.

But it can also be about getting the exact kind of stimulation that will get you there. Sometimes, all it takes is a partner who knows how to really work their wrists.

I’m a Kinky Middle

This is also the year I found out I’m a middle.

Being a middle is a bit hard to explain. For me, it involves doing things that help me recapture the way I felt when I was a teenager — back when everything felt new, wonderful, and my feelings were as big as they could be.

I’m not always in the middle mindset. I can go into grownup mode just fine. But I get the urge to slip into middlespace when I need comfort, when I want to feel better about myself, or when I just plain want to be happier.

It’s also a huge part of my sexuality.

Being in middle mode is one of the few ways I can get in the right mindset for sex. It’s when I’m at my most playful, bubbly, and eager. I tease, I get a bit bratty, and I have the urge to be naughty. And it helps me let go of all my anxieties and responsibilities that normally keep me from getting aroused.

It also colors all the things that turn me on. I gravitate to porn that shows the kind of intense desire and temptation you feel when you’re still in the puppy love stage of your life, the dirty innocence you have when you’re old enough to fuck but not yet old enough to have your own place, and the naive playfulness that comes from having some sexual experience while still not being entirely sure of yourself.

I don’t have to dress up in any middle-y outfits or roleplay babysitter scenarios to get hot and horny. But I do need to hit the right vibe.

I Rediscovered the Joy of Dildos

In a way, using dildos would’ve made perfect sense for me.

I can come from penetration. I love the feeling of a cock sliding into me, especially that first exquisite thrust. And a good, hard, primal pounding usually feels like the perfect way to end a sexy evening.

But when I got myself off, it was all about my clit.

Clit stimulation is still my favorite kind. As much as I love getting fucked, it only comes after I’ve had my pussy stroked and licked to a few orgasms. While I’m getting banged, I prefer to have fingers on my clit at the same time. And when the pounding gets to be too much, I tend to grab one of my vibrators and use it to bring me to an intense final climax.

So all my jilling off sessions were with vibrators and vibrators only.

But then I got my hands on a couple of dildos and started playing around with them.

Fucking myself with them was so pleasurable that I started regularly incorporating penetrative toys in my solo play.

It was my thrusting dildo that really sealed the deal, though. Owning a toy that could fuck me opened up some new and interesting possibilities — and it freed my hands to give myself to clit stimulation I wanted.

For most of my adult life, I didn’t even own a dildo. Now, I can’t get enough of them.

I play with them to warm myself up. I combine them with other toys to achieve powerful blended orgasms. And I’ll occasionally use those artificial cocks to get some fantasy roleplay going.

I still prefer vibrators. But once I gave up on the idea that I needed to play with only one toy at a time, I started to see how dildos could become a very significant part of my sex toy collection.

I’ve Gone Full Kink

Last year, I discovered I was into BDSM.

It took me a while to get there. I found things like blindfolds and handcuffs intriguing and appealing, but I thought I was just appropriating them into my vanilla sex life.

I wasn’t into pain or any extreme kinks. I didn’t even realize I was sexually submissive because I thought I was just a pillow princess. Even though I put a lot of work into being on the receiving end of the action, I told myself I was probably just lazy.

This year, I discovered that kink is actually a very big part of my sexuality. Submission, control play, bondage, edging, and all the middle stuff aren’t just things that I enjoyed or helped me get off — they’re things I need during sex.

I can enjoy vanilla sex. It makes me come just fine. I can have multiple orgasms and all that. But it will never make me come quite as hard as the kinky stuff does.

It also doesn’t turn me on in the same way. Vanilla sex is pleasurable, but it’s sensual domination and bondage that really excite me.

There’s nothing wrong with vanilla sex — at all. But a year of asking myself why really great sex was leaving me disappointed taught me that I want something different.

So, I’ve gone full kink. Every fuck I have is some combination of spanking and flogging, restraints and hair pulling, edging and dominant dirty talk. And I don’t see myself going back.

PMDD Messes Up My Sex Life

I’m obsessed with sex. It’s one of my biggest passions in life. I started a career that revolves around it because it’s the one topic that never bores me and always fascinates me.

And yet, actually wanting sex is a constant struggle for me.

I’ve never had a high libido, except when it was fueled by the excitement of being in a brand new relationship.

Getting around and staying in that state is tough for me. I can go weeks without wanting to fuck. On some days, it’s even hard to masturbate.

I started to notice patterns in my arousal. They corresponded very closely to changes in my mood, my creative energies, and even my outlook on life. I took those observations to my doctor and it led to me being diagnosed with PMDD.

PMDD is like PMS’s bitchier cousin. It’s caused by hormonal dysregulation, but the exact mechanism isn’t super clear. One of the going theories is that PMDD makes it harder for your brain to absorb and enjoy serotonin for part of the month. Whether that’s true or not, it definitely feels that way.

It’s some real Jekyll and Hyde bullshit. I basically spend two weeks feeling happy, optimistic, and bubbly before dropping into about two weeks of feeling depressed, anxious, hopeless, and rarely horny.

It’s a terrible thing to learn about yourself because there’s no real cure for it. You just have to put up with your body turning against you.

But that diagnosis at least helped me make sense of my sexual frustrations and my spotty libido.

Instead of fighting my low sex drive and terrible mood, I started leaning into them. I spend my worse weeks giving myself the comfort I need. I do what I can to get through the storm. Sometimes, that means lying in bed scrolling through TikTok all afternoon. Other times, it means ordering cupcakes to make my hell week a bit less hellish.

Mostly, I take the pressure off myself to have sex. I give my husband tons of encouragement to watch porn, masturbate, and take care of his needs. I try not to feel guilty for my sex drive taking a dip and give myself the self-care I need.

Instead of having sex, we work on other ways of staying emotionally connected. I’m grumpy during that time, but I can still appreciate cuddles while watching TV shows or pretending we’re geese so we can fuck shit up on the Switch.

If anything, it made me appreciate sex even more. I take advantage of my fleeting libido whenever it’s around and do what i can to make the best of it. The kind of sex you have when you know it might be your last hoorah for a couple of weeks is really fucking good — if nothing else, you make every night count.

I’m Into a Very Specific Kind of Sexual Humiliation

I’ve always been drawn to the idea of being humiliated sexually, but only in theory.

Whenever I thought about it in detail, imagined actually hearing degrading words directed at me, I lost interest.

It made sense to me as a concept, but the intense degradation I saw in porn was just too much. Even the milder kind that I could somewhat enjoy in videos I knew would turn me off if I actually heard them during sex.

And yet, I couldn’t shake this idea that humiliation was really hot.

I couldn’t explain it. All I knew is that there were a lot of scenarios that turned me the fuck on and ways of talking dirty that aroused me intensely, and the thing they all had in common is that they made me feel embarrassed.

That embarrassment was mild and usually directed at something positive. It was about my sexual desire, my horniness, my eagerness.

I didn’t have a name for it. I didn’t really know it was a kink. But looking back I can see that I’ve always looked for porn that depicted it. Mostly, I looked for party scenes. Not because I was turned on by the idea of fucking in front of an audience, but because someone in the crowd was bound to tease the ladies for being horny. And that was incredibly hot to me.

Since he got comfortable with dirty talk, my husband started giving me the same kind of treatment. He’s not a spectator, but he likes to take a dominant attitude and tease and mock me. He doesn’t degrade me, not really. He just comments approvingly on my arousal, my enthusiasm, and calls me his good little slut whenever I’ve earned it.

This month, I finally put a label to it.

It’s humiliation, but it’s not degrading. It’s playful. It’s loving and appreciative. It’s embarrassing, sure, but it still feels like praise.

Sorting out my feelings about sexual humiliation felt really exciting. I finally managed to put a name to one of my biggest kinks. And that means I’ll have a much easier time satisfying it.

I Might Just Be Dicksaturated

One of my biggest revelations of 2019 was that I’m polyamorous.

It’s something I sort of knew but sort of didn’t.

I spent a lot of time shipping throuples. I insisted that every love triangle should end in threeway dating and fucking. I was fascinated by sister wives and kind of envious of their arrangements — though in my version, I’d get to kiss and fuck all the ladies my husband married.

Monogamy didn’t fully make sense to me. But I rarely got crushes, I was way too busy to even consider dating anyone, and I didn’t want to do anything that could threaten my marriage. So, I assumed I was a regular monogamous lady with all the fantasies I thought every monogamous person had — about fucking other people, reliving the excitement of dating someone new, and having more than one person to rely on.

Last year, though, opening up my marriage started to feel like a real possibility. So, I took the plunge and even got mixed up with a couple of guys. It had its ups and lots of downs. It made me ask a lot of serious questions about the kinds of people I was attracted to and what I wanted out of a second partner.

This year, it solidified into a much clearer picture.

I still find men attractive. I’m as bisexual as I’ve ever been. And I certainly haven’t lost interest in my husband.

But I only have a desire to date women.

It’s women I feel a strong romantic and sexual attraction to. Whenever I picture myself with someone else, she just so happens to be a lady. And based on my personal experience and the people I’ve encountered in my life, it’s women who tend to have the personality traits I need in a partner.

I’m dicksaturated now. One is plenty for me. I’m not actively dating, but whenever I think about it, it’s only women who seem like serious prospects.

Getting Choked Can Be Amazing

I love getting spanked and flogged, but I’m not into pain at all. I love the intensity of it, but I don’t ever let it get to the point of hurting, bruising, or breaking skin. I just want the jolt of pleasure that comes with a firm smack.

I figured choking would be the same. I could probably get into it if it wasn’t for the pain. At best, it looked uncomfortable. At worst, it looked extremely painful. An all around no for me.

I don’t even like wearing turtlenecks because I find them too constricting. I wasn’t going to invite an even harder squeeze.

But then I paid attention to the way my husband’s hand felt when it rested on my throat during sex.

He would clasp me gently without putting any pressure on it. It felt really good. It was tender and dominant.

Most of all, it displayed a strong sense of trust between us. Having his hand wrapped around my neck while I just let go and enjoyed it felt so incredibly vulnerable and intimate. I didn’t tense up. I didn’t panic. I didn’t worry about a thing.

That’s when I started to see it as arousing.

One night, I got the urge to try more. I was getting fucked just perfectly and felt his palm resting flat against my chest.

Almost unconsciously, I grabbed it and pulled it up to my throat.

He tightened his grip around the sides of my neck and I felt a rush of intense feelings. Not just the thrill and excitement of trying something new and kinky, but an actual physical sensation.

The choke was brief, but it was enough to make me feel a bit lightheaded. That rush combined with the orgasm that accompanied it was such an amazing sensation that I immediately understood the appeal.

I knew it wouldn’t be my last time asking to be choked, and I’ve been enjoying it ever since that night.

Harder Isn’t Always Better

I love every dildo I own for different reasons.

Some are really cool because they’re highly realistic. They look flesh-like and have that same firmness with some give that you get form an actual hard-on.

I really enjoy playing around with the modestly sized ones, too, because they’re easier to use and feel fucking incredible.

But there’s one kind of dildo I never expected to fall in love with.

I got my first soft dildo by accident.

My husband bought it for me as a Sexmas gift last year. He chose it because it’s the kind of cute thing I adore — popsicle shaped and rainbow striped.

When we got it, we were both surprised by how supple it was. It was made of soft silicone but felt almost like a jelly dick.

I was a bit disappointed by that, but then he fucked me with it and it felt absolutely incredible. The softness made it easier to use at basically any angle, and it stimulated me just as well as a firm dildo could.

My second soft dildo was also kind of an accident. What I was really looking for was an anal dildo. Buttplugs are really fun to play with but I wanted something that would simulate the feeling of having a cock slide deep into my ass.

I wanted to avoid all the challenges that come from girthy anal sex, so I got one of the slimmest dildos I could find. It promised to be soft, but I didn’t realize just how soft it would be until I took it out of the package.

It was supple with lots of give. This one was a jelly dildo through and through. And that turned out to be an asset because the softness made it so much easier to get the penetration right and keep it comfortable at just about any angle.

Soft dildos are so fucking fun to play with. I even managed to get some intense and deeply satisfying double penetration with my two softest toys at once.

That’s an experience I highly recommend, and the softness of the dildos let me avoid the logistical challenges that you would normally deal with when you’re trying to get fucked from two angles at once.

Your Sex Life Is Endlessly Fascinating

One of the things I love about being a sex blogger is that it forces me to be very curious about my sexuality.

I thought of my sex life, my sexual preferences, and my turn-ons as kind of boring and basic. But the more I examined them, the more I realized they’re a lot more interesting than I realized.

It also showed me how quickly my sexuality could change and evolve. There’s always something new to learn, something to experiment with, and ways to go deeper into your kinks.

I learned so much about myself this year and I hope that it encourages you to take a close look at your own sex life. I guarantee that what you’ll discover is fascinating, arousing, and exciting.