Reconciliation and Apology work.
By: Sonnal Pardiwala, Shrinkology
Tags: Therapy, Apology, Mental Health, Counseling

We are humans and we invariably have conflict in our most intimate relationships. We each are unique and have a strong requisite for how we will enable our worlds.

Each wants a happy route but the transport that will take us on the route differs for each.

In that we often end up getting hurt and hurting others.

This juncture is a delicate point in every relationship.

How we show up in this moment of despair determines if we will 'make up' or 'break up'.

People go to great lengths to avoid confrontation, to avoid a conflict that will hurt which may require mending.

Have we learned the Art of Mending and Repair?

If we have, we will have deep relationships that are long lasting.

If not, our relationships will not survive the wear and tear and will tear.

How do we mend? How do we repair?

How do we apologise and bring that genuine moment that makes the fabric of a relationship?

How do we mend that tear that may leave one strand with us and may take another far away from us?

To understand our own repair strategy, we need to trace our own childhood patterns and newly evolving belief structure along with media trends, movies we watch and conversations we have within and with our world.

Childhood emotional atmosphere.

We all remember the stern 'Hold your ears and say sorry to each other!'

We heard this from our parents

We heard this from our teachers

We were made to say sorry to 'end the matter' whether or not we reached our end of the realisation that we indeed were in error.

When we did hurt each other, we knew, we each played a role in starting, continuing and sometimes going non stop feuding for life!

The fight created an uneasy atmosphere.

At home, at school, at the playground.

It hindered smooth functioning and so we were asked to end it by saying sorry whether we meant it or not.

We mouthed it.

Did we believe it?

We often carried our resentment further and waited to have a crack when we would get a chance to get even.

What do we carry from that experience?

Did we learn to simply mouth a sorry to end the confrontation even now, in our relationships?

Is this short cut behaviour our VIP pass to err and simply worm our way out of messy situations?

We got few messages back then.

*Uncomfortable atmosphere is not acceptable.

*Whether one likes it or not, one must end it with a gesture called 'Hold your ears' 'Mouth the sorry'

*Sorry is a submission in the moment but requires no modification of behaviour or attitude on our part.

Family emotional states

In the four walls of the house, interactions happen daily. Children learn through observation and internalisation.

They observe the severe tension that builds up. They observe who is blamed, who takes the blame, how the blame is accorded and how things are mended and who generally mends!

Depending on which parent the child identifies or fears, sometimes the child internalises the whole of attitude and sentences, often carrying into adulthood these impressions and behaviour patterns.

In most families one can observe few patterns.

A wrong is perceived, a conflict builds up. A confrontation happens, a full dramatic explosion ensues with accusations, explanations, tears, unspoken screamed out in these moments of 'all out’, air clears a lot, fresh wounds are created! One takes the blame. One apologises. All withdraw in hurt silence for few hours. Then they carry on as if nothing untoward happened and all is hunky dory until next time.

In some households, things are dragged even when a conflict is brewing. People hint, sulk, say nothing directly and one fine day there is explosion. Hurtful exchanges happen but none takes the blame, none apologises. Each withdraws and the silence hangs for a long long time. Sometimes for months, sometimes for years.

Observe your childhood conflict resolution scenarios closely and see what you picked up by way of observation and internalisation.

Media influences.

Our mending is coloured by what we consume in the media by way of movies, webseries or articles and books.

We generally in India see the men offer comic apologies, profuse with helpless submission, to the lady in question.

No romantic scenes show them discuss their feelings and expectations authentically. True it is make believe, there are cinematic liberties taken! Naturally so! However, the gullible consumer subliminally picks up the popular belief and again tenders a playful apology but one that is not guaranteeing a behaviour change that is permanent.

Lately the literature on forgiveness too has created confusion.

The thought extended is 'It is noble to forgive, it is easier to move on this way!'

One feels elevated at having done the noble deed but does one move on truly?

This situation is akin to the childhood 'Hold your ears and say Sorry!' and we do it for an elder says it and we don’t wish to disobey or be petty! The feuds continued back then.

So do the wounds fester now after all the 'I forgive you' routines are done. People often helplessly own up to 'I will forgive but not forget'

The hurtful memory then stays alive, raising its pointed head, now and again.

Authentic Apology work

This is a process one needs to learn and role model too.

In exceptional cases of violent physical abuse, you may be able to point to one source that is creating the hurt and damage.

Most human situations however are not that cut and dried. Each person owns their part in the woundology that transpires.

Often the accusations are levelled on the basis of percentage distribution of the ownership. The more and less part of ownership of the problem. However true apology work begins when all involved own their part.

Each needs to take a step back and first ask

'How important is this relationship here for me?' 'What part I played in this conflict?'

If you are honest with yourself, you would know.

You contributed by slinging a bitter sentence, by an agreement through silence, by taking offence at a statement, by omitting certain fact, by coming on with arm twisting methods, by passive aggressive means, purposely misinterpreting, delaying, not divulging details. You jumped to conclusions perhaps or expected your way to be the correct way to be implemented.

Take a step back and truly have this inner dialogue with yourself.

'What makes it difficult to own your part?' 'Are you afraid of appearing the weaker or vulnerable one?'

Go back to your childhood Frameworks and bring back analysis for current behaviour.

Did you have a parent forever apologising and you don't want to be like them?

Or do you have a parent who never apologised and you find out that your toolkit has no references to apology?

Is it a superficial need to end the discomfort ruling the situation?

Apology work is a process.

Own up your contribution.

Offer a genuine apology of only your part.

'I m sorry I have caused you this hurt!'

Then allow the other to take the time to process and integrate.

We often expect everything to come back to normal and discomfort to cease.

Do not rush the process.

Reassure with your behaviour that the erring part is under repair and is being mended, bit by bit.

Do not expect miracle turn arounds in seconds.

Forgiveness is an abstract concept. If it does not resonate, let it not be the part of your vocabulary.

This is essential part of the 'Restructuring inner landscape!'

If you are being apologised to, accept it at your pace and request your required time to process and integrate. Remember the other person too is coming from their learned behaviours and will take time to unlearn. Specify behaviours that will bring you reassurance for the hurt caused.

Conflicts in human interaction will always be there.

Hurt as a byproduct will never cease.

The bandaging and repair however is possible with a genuine understanding of the value of apology work and restructuring that within you which takes you towards reconciliation in an authentic way!

To expect never to be hurt is not possible

To repair and Amend, is always a possibility with endless hope and potential.

By Sonnal Pardiwala.

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