Behind the Learning Curve
By: Sekar Galuh
Tags: Personal, Surrender, Survive, Strive, Values

After two and a half years of absence, I am now back writing again with many stories in my pocket. And yes, I already feel like I am a different person than some years ago. Struggle and comfort shaped my resilience. Sadness and happiness sculpted my peace. It is difficult to resist the urge of telling all details of stories. However, details are not always crucial as the helicopter views will be probably more meaningful.

For me, life is a result of passing the learning curve. My curves were difficult, important, and significant in these past years, not to forget to mention the pandemic as it is undoubtedly significant to everyone. These all started when I moved abroad solely to a country I have never been to before. It is exciting, yet terrifying. Stepping out of the comfort zone has never been easy. But it is a sign of growth, which always comes with a wave of uncomfortable feeling during the process. I can keep whining over it, but instead, I picked the golden leaves and moved on.

Survive

Early Spring 2018 brought me to my first impression of blooming season. The wind breeze felt warmer, the flowers bloomed everywhere, the days were longer, although the sun was still shyly shining through the clouds. The continuous of life, I would say. The survived one would start enjoying the season’s beauty and restoring the warmth from a mad winter. But my love did not survive a season. It did not survive the storm of the cold. The distance was furiously disconnecting the warmth we have stored for so many years. Even trust and respect were no longer genuine as we expect. The words came back itself, but this time stabbed right at our chests. Never have I thought to be miserable on my knees by a betrayal in such awakening season.

Behind the cheerful blossoms, the wind breeze brings the pollen to reach out the right flowers naturally. Sometimes, it is even after the hurricane that more plant buds grow. As long as the roots attached to the ground, life will be going. I stood still, gulped all the bitter truth, and felt the massive loss of my love. I dazed for a while, losing my compass and my purpose all of a sudden. Then questioning, “why would I still exist? what is behind all of this?”. All possibilities felt so abstract. The more I think, the more I hope to change the situation, the more I lost. A vicious cycle of sadness. After all, the hurricane will be over. So does the grief. The rain has to stop to let the sunshine in, to give another chance to live. I closed the grief boxes to give myself another opportunity. To feel the remaining joyful of the season, and to forgive myself for what it was. I survived, and I learned that I’m not too fond of Spring.

Strive

Women and ambitious are often perceived as a negative perception. But, feeling ambitious is what keeps me running from time to time. The process of chasing something was incredibly satisfying, though most were exhausting. It is the source of my professional fulfilment. The closest relevancy here perhaps with cooking. I start the cooking process because the ingredients do not cook themselves. The vegetables do not cut themselves too. What if I do not find suitable and authentic herbs? Then I think about the replacement. Well fair enough, I could have just ordered the food online though. But, I would lose the striving moment where my excellence is needed to solve the problem. Of course, not in the kitchen, but a professional manner. There would be no instant way to be an expert, also the chef would not be able to achieve a Michelin star by making a signature dish with an instant curry paste. I am a chef of my career’s plate. It is my responsibility to serve the tasty dish, eventually.

Striving forward gives me an excuse to fight my anxiety. Go toward a realistic goal is the key. But gaining the key does not mean the end of the journey. Instead, the challenge just began. Studying abroad was a goal, sustaining the academic level here was more than a strive. The struggle contains constant tries, improvement after improvement, bounces back from negative feedback, and sleepless nights. It often comes along with disappointment too. There was a period when my countless job applications were denied. I started feeling down. Well, giving up or being patience were options, but sometimes the line was blurry. So, why don’t you back up a little bit and try again?

Surrender

The defence is a natural response of human being towards an attack or a threatening situation. Human beings are very clever in putting up a defence mechanism to strengthen their position or cover their views. The word ‘tired’ exposes weakness sometimes, but mind would say the opposite. I think body and spirit would agree too. Body, mind, and spirit need a break. I repeat, they need a break from constant striving and responding to the situation. ‘Stop and surrender. Let the Almighty do the rest.’ Never doubt of this quote. I learned the hard way to understand every inch of the Almighty’s graces. Being far from my homeland makes me an arrogant dwarf claiming to conquer the world. Instead, it was because of Him allowing these all happen. I surrender to Him, but I do not give up. I surrender to Him to seek upon His grace. I surrender to Him for blessings.