Parents: Patience is a Virtue
By: Molly Willson
Tags: Parenting, Stress Management, Family Health, Caregivers, Homeschooling

How to Stay Calm when your Child has a Melt Down

You’re clenching your fists and feeling the anger creep up from your belly to your throat. You want to yell and scream at them for acting out and not listening. You try your best to hold it in but the frustration rises and you just can’t handle this anymore. You break and snap, yell and scold them, and finally they stop and are quiet.

But, you notice right after the yelling, screaming, and crying there’s a wave of guilt and sadness that washes over you as you see your child retreat into silence. You begin to question your parenting abilities and sink into shame as you try to rationalize your reaction.

Did I overreact…. Did I really need to yell…. But, what’s wrong with my child… Why can’t they just behave… Why is this so hard?

Of course, you know that you’re doing the best you can and so is your child, but something inside you still feels you can do better.

This isn’t fair. For you or for them.

There’s no doubt that some children are demonstrating more aggression and melt downs since COVID19. Maybe for your child it’s nothing new but, now you’re on the forefront taking all their heat. Or maybe, your child was once a self motivated, calm, cool, and happy kid but is now acting out, being disrespectful, misbehaving, and putting you to the test.

Even so, losing your cool and snapping back at your child doesn’t feel right to you…. you just wish that they would behave so that you wouldn’t have to raise your voice and scold them.

For your child, your reaction influences the way they process, express, and feel their emotions. Sure, sometimes a stern voice and some ground rules need reinforcement but, studies have shown that when a child is punished for expressing themselves, they react by shutting down. This can cause them to internalize their feelings and develop unhealthy coping mechanisms and behaviors that negatively impact their mental and emotional wellbeing. These then can appear as anxiety, depression, frustration, impulsive behaviors, addictions, and aggressive tendencies just to name a few.

And while you may know this, it’s hard to keep your cool when you’re at your wit’s ends with the constant burden of their emotions. As a parent, this can feel like a ton of pressure. Now, with your child spending more time at home, they are relying on you for everything.

So, to remain calm, cool, and collected, try these self-awareness techniques to ensure that you respond to your child’s behavior in a present and patient way.

1.) Do a quick self-assessment. One simple way to develop your awareness around yourself in the heat of the moment is to ask yourself some basic questions. Take a moment to reflect on the latest melt down with these questions in mind.

How may have the experience gone differently?

When my child gets angry, what is my initial reaction?

Am I considering the situation from their perspective?

How can I show them compassion and understanding?

2.) Take a few deep breaths. Simple, easy, and effective. Taking a few slow deep breathes gives you time and space to bring yourself back to the present moment so that you can slow down and be mindful of your child’s emotions. Try 5 deep belly breaths throughout your day to help clear your mind and release built up tension you are holding on to.

3.) Count down from 10. In the heat of the moment, count down from 10. This practice helps you slow down so that you can respond more mindfully and effectively. In some situations you may want to count more than 10. Counting in your head or out loud can be a powerful way to diffuse tension in any situation.

4.) Complete a body scan. Sometimes a simple and quick body scan is all that you need to create a sense of awareness to your body’s own state. Start at the top of your head and go down to your feet, observing your body’s sensations and stress. Where there is tightness, bring attention to the area and relax the tension. Practice a body scan to release areas of stress in your body to allow for clear, rational reaction.

5.) Think of rainbows and butterflies. No, really. Recent studies of the human brain show that when people think of things they consider soft and sweet such as puppies, bunnies, babies, and kittens, the emotional center of their brain activates feelings of empathy and compassion, which naturally sooth and relax the body. Give it a try and see how your body softens as you think of something innocent and cute. You can use this visualization technique in distress to initiate a sensitive and calm feeling.

6.) Find a safe and quiet place. I’m sure we can all say that when we are in a stressful or chaotic environment, we can get overwhelmed and have a hard time managing our thoughts and emotions. When you create a safe and quiet space for you and your child, emotions can be processed in a natural and peaceful way. Find a space in your home where you and your child can go that is safe and quiet to work through the problem.

So, whether you try these techniques or find your own self-awareness methods, staying calm during your child’s melt down moments can help them move through their own emotional process. With the use of these tools, you can strengthen your own response to stress and even teach them to your child, too.

Oh, and one last thing…. before you start blaming yourself or others for the situation, give yourself AND your child some credit! You’re probably doing a rock star job, and while we all have our moments from time to time, sometimes we just need these little reminders to to get us going and back on track again.