Reflections of a Youth Worker: Working with an Ex-Girlfriend
By: Daniel John Carter
Tags: Reflections, Meetings, Youth, Youth Work, Conflict

Context: A reflection from a series I did for my studies several years ago, reviewed and published to encourage reflection on both a small and large scale within youth work. No real names or organisations have been revealed. The reflections all follow David Kolb’s Experiential Learning Cycle as a method for reflective practice.

A meeting took placement between me, my ex-girlfriend and another colleague, who are both Macedonian, about a training that was to be happening within the next few days in a rural town in North Macedonia. The meeting started by discussing a session that would have the participants understand and engage in ‘mapping the local environment’. During this discussion a small debate arose about the difference between ‘mapping the environment’ and a needs assessment to which my ex-girlfriend became a bit hostile about myself ‘assuming’ a needs assessment of the area. As a non-formal educator sensitivity to feelings is an essential part of good practice, therefore I avoided the conflict and we moved on a decision where the participants were to engage in a street-based youth work style mapping of the local environment. Then debate ensued about what they would do with this information as my ex-girlfriend did not believe the information would be used by the local organisations / NGOs. I responded with hostility to this commenting on my own 6 months of street work in the nearest urban town and how her organisation didn’t use it, stating all we can do is try, to which she dismissed the comment.

“It is important that our own feelings are taken into account, as failure to do so can lead to a number of problems, both for ourselves and for people we work with” — Harrison and Wise

My ex-girlfriend wanted to connect this information to some form of measurement of active youth participation in the rural town. This would pave the way for sessions in basic youth work, specifically with rural young people. My colleague suggested maybe the mapping should be done in the nearest urban city rather than the rural one to which me and my ex-girlfriend both disagreed and ensured that it should be done in the rural city.

This discussion was followed by jokes being made about the local media of the rural town doing a press conference with us and the participants at the end of the training. Then we finally came to a full agreement about the mapping of young people in in the town to try and measure active youth participation. We just had the issue of agreeing upon the times of the sessions which to my surprise was fairly simple. However, we were unsure about whether sessions on active participation needed to be conducted before the mapping. We agreed that this needed to sorted so we started to discuss whether we should use Rodger Harts ladder of participation or another model. Eventually, agreements were made, and we had created the first half of the training course, the main issue to be addressed here was how we use such data. I suggested producing a publication for the end of the training to present at the press conference to the local community and NGOs.

An issue ensued where my ex-girlfriend was angry that I and my colleague were assuming that everyone in the town was rural. We made our case that the town was only a couple of thousand people who worked mainly in agriculture and was surrounded by mountainous villages, therefore making the area rural. Although she did not like this, she accepted it and the conversation moved on.

As we came towards the end of the development of the project my ex-girlfriend and I engaged in some sarcastic banter that we seemed to both appreciate after some semi-heated debates. We managed to start closing up the session and agreeing upon final details. The atmosphere was finally relaxed, and we agreed that due to the nature of these participants they would have more free time than is usual for a training course of this nature. The meeting finished with a final agenda which we all agreed on. The other two made jokes about foreigners coming to help Macedonia well looking towards me and I was a little bit unsure of how to take this. This could affect my future work on the project as according to Ledwith; principles of participatory democracy call for an understanding of power and discrimination at every stage of our practice. I got up to leave and agreed to meet them tomorrow to head to the rural for the day; however, I was unsure this was needed.

Photo by Alexis Brown on Unsplash

I was very uncomfortable when entering the meeting as I did not wish to work on this particular training or with my ex-girlfriend as it made me very anxious.

“Anxiety is a state of generalized emotional discomfort. It is similar to fear, but also different in so far as fear tends to be more specific” — Harrison and Wise

As the first small debate started, I was unsure of how much to express my opinion as I wanted to avoid conflict. However, when I did, my ex-girlfriend became a bit hostile which made me extremely uncomfortable and I was completely unsure of how to react. I avoided the conflict by controlling my feelings and calmly stated the way I saw things and how certain words and names are perceived from my working background reminding them it is ethnically and culturally very different. Due to this, we managed to reach a compromise, but it used up a lot of my restraint. Naturally, it is difficult to be positive towards people we do not like or have past grievances with, good practice requires that we overcome such difficulties. From this, yet another disagreement occurred between me and my ex-girlfriend of which this time I reacted with hostility and after I was personally ashamed of my reaction which was made worse by a blatant dismissal of my viewpoint. The situation improved however when we found ourselves agreeing on the particular topic of where the mapping should be and this help to relax the atmosphere.

Due to the relaxed nature that had now developed the meeting flowed with jokes and little to no hostility along with easy agreement on the training courses agenda. When it came to the use of dissemination and outcomes of the project my ex-girlfriend showed some extreme anger towards my colleague and me for what she considered a presumption. I managed to stay calm and state our case which was accepted, but it was obvious she did not agree. This left a very awkward situation in the room that was hard for me to work in. However, as time passed, and the finer details were put in place and some sarcastic humour was exchanged that lightened the mood and made it easier for us to work together.

The end of the meeting however became very uncomfortable for me when a joke was made about foreigners in North Macedonia. Due to this and the previous hostility, I was very unsure of visiting the working area in the rural town the next day. I had generally throughout the day been attempting to use the stoic approach, but several issues do not make this the perfect approach to dealing with feelings within people work.

It was always going to be uncomfortable working with and ex-partner, however, it had to be done so I continued. Experiencing the first hostility I knew I didn’t want any conflict, but I also know my temper and patience. Therefore I needed to stay calm or I would escalate such matters. When I reacted with hostility it was an extremely shameful moment and affected my working ability for the next few minutes. If we had not both agreed on something later, I’m not sure how I would have improved the situation or if the situation would have improved.

Things became much easier when hostility was turned into sarcastic banter and jokes, the only issue being these are always on a fine line with hostility. The extreme anger I received from her later threw me right off course, although I managed to stay calm and simply state a case. I was extremely worried this meeting would not work as well as about my professional ability to resolve such situations. Through staying calm and only engaging in work and light banter, while ignoring any hostility the situation became far more manageable. It was only at the end of the meeting that made me feel isolated and different due to a joke about me being a different nationality. This plus a roller coaster of emotions just for a meeting made me unsure of how the future meetings and work would go. The stoic approach was failing me and this was because as Harrison and Wise state there are three main problems associated with the approach:

- Often the energy it takes to repress the feelings leaves less energy for tackling the problems that gave rise to the feelings in the first place. - Our own feelings can be a source of positive and constructive energy, a tool to be used to promote change and enhance problem-solving in people work. - If feelings are repressed over a long period of time, the result can be that ‘burnout’ is experienced.

Photo by Cytonn Photography on Unsplash

Working with ex-partners is something to be avoided and the best way to avoid such a situation is to avoid getting into such relationships with people in the same field of work. When dealing with conflict, especially that that may have deeper roots in its creation, one must stay calm and think rationally on how to react. If one finds they did not stay calm and did react is a hostile manner one must be sorrowful and apologetic and carry on professionally, taking time to calm down if necessary.

Humour can be a get tool for reducing conflict, however, different people have different humour therefore it must be used carefully and with people, you know well. When dealing with such extreme emotions one must take time to think rationally, this is paramount to resolution. When working abroad or in an inter-cultural environment, especially in your ex-partner’s culture, it’s easy to feel isolated and discriminated. However, one must carry on and see whether it is just a translation / cultural issue or if it is true while expressing their feeling or they may experience ‘burnout’.

“Burnout minimizes or destroys job satisfaction and can, in extreme cases, lead to mental health problems such as depression” — Harrison and Wise