Pain
Tags: Pain, Drawing, Migraines, Coping, Chronic Illness

I used to be a little bitch when it came to pain. I remember going to the Pediatrician as a child to get my immunizations and screaming in agony from the tiny needle puncture in my arm.

I never really understood what pain REALLY was. I never knew how much it would affect my life and the true capacity of how intense it could really be.

That was until I was around 20 years old. I had started nursing school and was working my ass off day and night. It was hard work, but I loved it.

I started getting neck and back pain. I thought it was because of poor posture and having to lift patients and stuff. I started seeing a pain doctor for it and getting steroid injections. No big deal right? Well fast forward a little bit. That neck pain ended up being migraines. Intense sharp migraines that now occur every day. Then about a year ago, I developed what I now know is POTS. I can’t go an hour without feeling like I am going to pass out now. I can’t stand for more than a few minutes without getting heart palpitations, shortness of breath and an intense drop in blood pressure. I have to sit down and rest after taking out the trash and no one can tell me why. What the actual fuck?

This development of pain has progressed slowly over the past seven years of my life. During this time, I still somehow managed to get my bachelors degree, be a bedside nurse for five years and then complete my masters in nursing education.

Honestly, the hardest part of all of this has been letting go of the control that I thought I had over my body as well as realizing that my value as a human does not come from my physical capabilities.

We think we control our bodies, but we don’t. I have always eaten very well, been pretty athletic and just taken care of my body overall. None of that matters with the diseases I have. They still happened. I feel the strength that I have in my body. In my arms and legs, but I can’t use them without feeling like passing out. If makes me scream and want to pull my eyes out of my head. I get a good night sleep and do a healthy bed time routine, avoid triggering stuff (such loud noises and alcohol) but I wake up in the morning and it feels like someone is stabbing me in the face. I am very certain that my head is literally going to explode.

You know how I get through this? I scream and I cry and I throw things. I let out all my anger and frustration. I feel it through my whole body as my face scrunches, my fists clench, my tears flood down my face, my heart is racing and my chest hurts. I fall to the ground and pound my fists into it. I throw a full on tantrum. This lasts a few minutes and then I get tired and stop. I sit on the floor and think ‘ok, I got all that out. Now what do I do now to help myself feel better?’.

This is how I found my love of art, cooking, reading, taking a shower and listening to music. In the same way that I immerse my entire body into my anger, I immerse my body entirely into something I love to do. I feel the beat of the music in my body and allow it to take over my body. I don’t think about anything else, but the lyrics and instrumentals in the song. I grab a pencil and I draw. I draw whatever I want. I immerse myself so much into these things that I forget I am in pain. I finish a drawing and I turn off my music, then I sit back in my chair and realize that my pain is still there, but I can handle it now. It doesn’t control me or my happiness. This is evident because I just drew this beautiful thing. Fuck you pain.