“Medium Crazy” or Mega?
By: Sherry Mcguinn
Tags: Sherry Top Shelf, Reader Comments, Mental Health, Satire, Sexuality

In my just-over-two-years on Medium, I’ve received my fair share of goofy and/or insulting comments on my stories. Certainly, many of you can relate. Some leave you shaking your head, while others are infuriating. And then there are those “bon mots” which actually incite pity for the commentators.

With that said, none have given me more pause for thought than the comment I recently received on my story about my sexual encounter with an octopus.

Now, hold up because I’m certain new readers here will be thinking, “What a sick twist.” Conversely, those of you who regularly read me — and I thank you from the bottom of my crusty heart — know a spoof when they see it.

Of course, I didn’t really have sex with an octopus, guys! After all, what cephalopod would be turned on by me?

Apparently, a reader took my story for the gospel, and lest you think I’m pulling your chain, here is the comment:

“The statircal nature of thisis disturbing. I don’t joke about having sex with babies, kids, goats. Certainly anyone can appreciate the evolution of a mollusks- MILLIONS of years later allows modern day homospaiens to take a step. While “intellignece” can be relative; sophisticsyion is not. If she doesn’t outwit a shark, prior, she might livr 1- yr before a mate enters her to release 100s of 100s of eggs, millions? Then she will die after she nurtures, does not leave her den and protect her young. Before you stay something so unitelligent, NOT funny, read my first two sentences.”

As you’ll note, I did not fix the garbled sentences and profusion of typos in this maniac’s throw-down. I had to read it several times before it sunk in that this wasn’t a joke.

Whoa, Nellie, but this is some concerning stuff! How in the hell does one come up with a rational response to someone who believes I actually got busy with an octopus! More to the point, someone who thinks I “sexually abused” said sea creature. Before you toss this off as a “joke,” read it a couple of times.

Now, you’ll see from my response, as I linked to the story, below, that I was pissed. But, as I think about this, perhaps I was remiss in that I didn’t attempt to engage this person in anything resembling an intelligent discourse about the perceived octopus abuse.

But, what the ever-loving F, people? Does this comment not have “crazy” all over it? Yes, I was being “statircal,” to quote the commentator, and anyone who can’t see that is nuts with a capital “N.”

You’ll note that the person in question has no stories, nor followers on this platform. It’s as if she (since you’re going to know, anyway), fell out of a cloud, sucked down a bottle of vodka and a handful of pills, and then wrote that mess up.

Friends, I’m dying to know. What would be your response to such an inane and insane diatribe? Would you ignore it or suggest that the person seek psychiatric help, posthaste?

For the record, I wouldn’t fuck a goat, either, or any animal. Bestiality is not my thing, although I can be a bit of a beast. Nor would I abuse a child, in ANY fashion. I’m very provincial. I like my sex with someone who has a penis. The grown-up, human kind.

As you’ll see there was no response to my own. It’s as if this person disappeared back into the padded room from which she emerged. I’m making a joke but for the record, I do feel empathy for anyone who is struggling mentally and or emotionally. Someone with a tenuous grip on reality. Trust me, I have my own issues and know how debilitating they can be.

We’re all struggling right now, so perhaps I should chalk this up to the pandemic and put this individual’s questionable mind at rest by saying:

“Dear…I did not, in any way, shape or form, engage in sexual conduct with an octopus. You read this on Medium, a place where writers share stories of all kinds, some sad, some funny, some true, and some satirical. That is the word, by the way. And that is the type of story you recently read, from me. Now, please, go and take a lie-down, snuggle with a pet or loved one or do whatever it is you need to calm the hell down. And I promise you, no more stories about messing with mollusks. Thanks for reading. Sincerely, Sherry.”