8 Things You Don’t Need to Have a Great Relationship
By: Karen Nimmo
Tags: Self Improvement, Life, Inspiration, Relationships, Love

A shy young man was two years out of his only relationship.

He was lonely. He wanted a girlfriend but he’d been a little burned the first time around. He was also down on self-belief: he didn’t think he had much to offer a new partner.

He’d done some googling into what makes a great relationship and it left him overwhelmed. “I’m just not that guy,” he said. “I don’t think I’d get on anyone’s wish-list.”

I understood what he meant. The big, wide world of how-to-be-an-incredible-partner advice is daunting: it can make you feel inadequate or that a great (or even any) relationship is way out of reach.

It’s not. All sorts of people create wonderful partnerships, and it’s important to let go of stereotypes because there’s no blueprint for the perfect partner.

My client and I began by addressing his worries and talking through what you don’t need. Here’s our list.

1. You don’t need to be hot.

You don’t need to look a certain way. Or have symmetrical facial features. Or be ripped, toned, slim, tall/short, with bigger or smaller anatomical features, or whatever else you covet. You don’t even need to have great clothes. But it is important to do the best with what you’ve got; to be hygienic and healthy, to present yourself as well as you can.

2. You don’t need to be incredible in bed.

If all the tales I’ve heard in therapy are to be believed, most people are not. There’s some comfort in that :) But being able to express your needs, listen to those of your partner and finding some common ground between the two of you is important. Talk about it.

3. You don’t need to be funny.

Everyone wants to be funny. Actually, it’s not that: it’s that everyone wants their partner to think they’re funny. Look, it’s cool to be able to laugh together, to share a sense of humour but you don’t have to roll in the aisles at the same TV shows, you don’t have to crack up at all the same things. A sense of fun, the ability to enjoy yourself, and each other, is a bigger deal.

4. You don’t need to be a great communicator.

Very few people come into relationships trailing a brilliant communications record behind them — in fact, it’s quite the opposite if they’ve come from a dysfunctional relationship. Communication skills develop over time and as you both adapt (hopefully healthily) to the style of the person you’re with. The most important communication skill you can possess is the ability to listen. And to really hear what the other person is saying. Begin there.

5. You don’t need a ton of money, a prestigious job or the latest model European car.

Some potential partners will rate wealth, status and material possessions extremely highly and the simple truth is, if you’re not built this way, they won’t be right for you.

You can’t expect, though, to offer nothing materially to the relationship. No-one will rush to join you in poverty, no matter how charismatic and fun-to-be-with you are. Financial independence — or at least the ability to be self-supporting and/or have a good work ethic — is attractive. Aim for that.

6. You don’t need to come from a warm, loving family.

People worry about this — a lot. They often think that if their family was dysfunctional, and they didn’t get the right role modelling, they will fail or struggle in their own relationships.

It’s true that people from stable backgrounds may have an advantage going into relationships. But not always; they struggle too. And plenty of people who have had trauma and toxicity in their past create great relationships and families. The key is to find good role models and commit to learning healthy ways to think, feel and behave.

7. You don’t need to be an extrovert.

Loud, extroverted people tend to draw attention and many believe this puts them at the top of the popularity polls. Being outgoing can make you sociable and fun — but it can also make you dominating and, well, a bit annoying. You can’t expect to light up a room (or anything much) by cowering in the corner with your drink, but you don’t need to be the centre of attention. Basic, old-fashioned social skills will take you a long way — not just in your intimate relationships, but in your life.

8. You don’t need to be an amazing human.

You just need to be who you are — and be okay with it.