The Word You Need To Stop Using To Be More Productive and Happy
By: Ashley Broadwater
Tags: Life Lessons, Self, Mental Health, Advice, Productivity

The Word You Need To Stop Using To Be More Productive and Happy

This word is common but unhelpful.

Photo by Claudia Barbosa on Pexels

I’ve always placed expectations upon myself, usually ones enforced by society. I feel a need to look a certain way, to act a certain way, to feel a certain way, and more. Instead of feeling motivated or encouraged, I feel inadequate. Unhelpful thoughts run through my head on repeat, and they can sound like:

“You should eat fewer calories and lose weight so you’ll look better and fit into your clothes.” “You should hurry up and find a ‘normal’ job so people don’t judge the freelance path you’re taking.” “You should stop sharing your anecdotes with mental illness, because people think less of you.” “You shouldn’t feel so upset over something so trivial.”

I know these thoughts are not only unhelpful but also harmful and inaccurate; however, I can’t always stop thinking of them or refute them easily. While they’re problematic in several ways, they all share one word I need to work on cutting out of my vocabulary to feel happier and be more productive:

Should.

My therapist once told me that the word “should” implies an unnecessary sense of shame. It makes us feel a guilt-induced need to do something that we don’t actually need to do. Instead of using the word “should,” she suggested phrases like “it may be helpful if” or “I feel a need/want to” or “would benefit me.” She also encouraged getting curious about why I feel like I “should” do something. From whom or where did that thought come from? What might that person or group’s reasoning be, and is that helpful or unhelpful?

And I have to admit, the phrases she suggested quickly felt much more comforting and appealing. Hearing them reminded me I don’t have to do what I don’t want to do. It reminded me that my mental illness voice, Herbert, is hurtful and wrong. It reminded me I’m a human who’s allowed to mess up and be imperfect, making mistakes and going against the grain.

Whether or not we actively intend it, the word “should” radiates negativity. It’s a word we often use when we’re criticizing ourselves or others. And with that negativity, we feel anxious and shameful, which can lead to an inability to change for the better and meet our goals.

In addition, when we use the word “should,” we often are telling ourselves we need to do something that we don’t really want or need to do. We put pressure on ourselves to do or feel differently rather than validating ourselves empathetically. We’re trying to be perfect when perfection is unattainable, and we’re expecting something from ourselves that we can’t authentically achieve, at least healthily and happily.

Even though I know I should — oops, may want to — stop using the word “should,” completely canceling a part of my vocabulary is a hard process that takes time. If you’re also struggling with this, I encourage you to be gentle and understanding with yourself. You’ve likely grown up using and hearing the word, so it popping up in your mind may feel like second nature — and that’s okay.

As far as techniques that may help, clinical psychologist Dr. Soph suggests noticing when you say “should,” questioning why, asking yourself if it feels good or helps you, and considering using “could” or “I want to” instead. After, note how using one of those new terms makes you feel, and if you’re able to achieve your goals with it.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Susan Heitler helped a woman named Betty stop using the word “should” as well. Betty shared that the word invited guilt, stress, and depression rather than learning. However, when she started saying “could” instead, she felt motivated and gained the ability to be more productive. She completed her tasks effectively.

Once she changed “I should’ve done the taxes yesterday,” to “Yes, I could have done that yesterday, and at the same time, I enjoyed going outside to enjoy the sunshine instead,” she eased her negative feelings. She didn’t guilt herself for having a thought containing the word “should, but simply fixed it. She likely realized that multiple tasks and wants have value, and sometimes, we simply don’t have the time to do it all.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is all about rethinking negative thoughts, and I’m thankful that my therapist and I have engaged in it. Some tools it includes are questioning your assumptions for validity and gathering evidence for and against your thought. Through practicing these tools, you’ll likely realize you don’t have to do what you think you “should,” and you’ll still feel just fine.

For example, I realized I could live in my natural body without dieting and be much happier and still loved. I realized there’s no need to pursue a society-approved career when I’m doing much better emotionally and financially with my freelance work.

And by realizing when I’m saying “should,” that it’s not helpful, and ways I can reframe it has increased my levels of self-compassion and decreased my levels of depression and anxiety. I’m more gentle with myself and more stable, meaning I can more easily move forward effectively and productively. I make more money, I cry less, I put less unnecessary pressure on myself, and I live my truth.

When I have unhelpful thoughts like those mentioned at the beginning, I’m able to pause and realize this: I’m human. I’m beautiful, loved, worthy, and accepted just as I am. I’m doing what works for me and I’m helping others. My feelings are valid, and judging them won’t make me feel any better.

I feel less guilt about who I am and how I act because I know I have no need or reason to feel that guilt. Because I criticize myself less, I’m happier and feel more self-love. I trust my gut and respect my needs, and I stop wasting time on negativity.

I encourage you to try using more helpful words and phrases than “should” so you can live a happier, more productive life. Love yourself, be gentle with yourself, and know you were never meant to be perfect.