#ModernFatherhood: Supporting Women, Pandemic Addictions, and Growing in Isolation
By: Rehan Choudhry
Tags: Toddlers, Dads, Fatherhood, Parenting, Moms

SUPPORTING WOMEN

Just like that, the inauguration of our 46th President, Joseph R Biden, came and went with scaled-back fanfare, some fireworks, a coatless Tom Hanks, a perspective-shifting poem by 23-year-old Amanda Gorman, and a giant sigh of relief (shared by little more than half the country). Out of all the speeches, performances, and hope-inducing content presented throughout the course of the day, the moment that made me actually fight back tears was when our new Vice President spoke the following words:

I, Kamala Devi Harris, do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter: So help me God.

This moment induced, quite literally, the most emotional response I have had to a political event in my lifetime, which says something considering the emotional roller coaster ride the past two decades of politics in America have taken us on. Regardless of your politics, I'm sure we can all agree that life has felt like a total shit-show lately.

Yet, somewhere balancing on the thin line that runs between stability and total-clusterfuck-level-insanity, continued the steady and unrelenting march of the women's movement. A measured tread that continued, step-by-precise-step, over decades. One shaped by legends like Susan B Anthony, Ida B. Wells-Barnett, Margaret Sanger, and Angela Davis and modern-era activists like Malala Yousafzai, Michelle Obama, and Gloria Steinem, women who survived an onslaught of violence and vitriol lasting well over a century from more sources of conflict than I can reasonably document here. Despite every obstacle hurled at them, they marched on.

And last week, as a direct result of the relentless effort put in by millions of women spanning decades, then-Senator Kamala Harris became Vice President of the United States of America before our very eyes.

Hearing her name and title spoken together for the first time was an intensely emotional moment for me. My reaction was triggered by several different images I collected in my mind over the years… My four-month-old daughter rocking gently in the arms of her mother, one who will certainly serve as Coco's first and most profound source of continued inspiration. My sister, who continues to fight a raging pandemic, on the front lines, as an ER physician in Chicago. My mother and aunt, both of whom fought their way through medical school in a third-world country to then launch their careers in a totally unfamiliar country where racism and sexism battled for the top rank as society's most prevalent social issue. Memories of them and the countless women who, through the years, played critical roles in my development, both personally and professionally, flashed in my mind and filled me with hope for the future.

My wife said it most succinctly: "Our daughter will never know a time in her life where a woman has not served as Vice President of the United States."

So I wanted to focus this first section on how we, as modern fathers, can strive to better support the women in our lives, starting with those in our home.

I shouldn't surprise anyone when I say that men have developed an absolutely-fucking-awful track record over the course of modern history when it comes to supporting women. We've been a nightmare, really. At the very least, we all have a few cringe-worthy experiences in our past that we would like completely wiped from history. Beyond shitty behavior, men get the luxury of being celebrated for simply showing up as fathers, even when doing the absolute bare minimum required of us. Think about how many times we've been praised for doing something as simple as soothing our mid-tantrum children in public, where mothers rarely get a fraction of the same acknowledgment for doing 100x that daily.

I am definitely not an expert in this arena, but I have committed myself to getting better, asking more questions, continuing to learn, becoming a better partner to my wife, father to my daughter, and supporter of the women in my life. I believe that being the best version of a father means supporting everyone around us, even if our support involves doing nothing more than getting out of the way.

With that said, I've pulled some articles for those of you interested in going down the rabbit hole with me. Our mission should be singular — show up for the women in our lives (our spouses, children, family, neighbors, colleagues, and total strangers). We should do so as the very best versions of ourselves. Support them where they are and where they need us to be. We are not meant to be experts; we are meant to be a support system, one that strengthens over time as we continue to learn-- doing so by actively listening and understanding. We owe it to our wives/partners/spouses and to the daughters we are raising. As a secondary benefit, the greater the leaps in progress we make in this arena, the better our sons will be as they learn from and model themselves after our behaviors.

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