The Myth of the ‘Perfect Rape Victim’, and why black women can never be one.
By: Luwa Adebanjo
Tags: LGBTQ, Rape, Mental Health, Black Women, Community

Before I carry on, I want to qualify my argument here. I am not saying that no black woman is ever believed or supported as a survivor of sexual abuse, I am also not saying that every single survivor goes through the experiences I talked about: everyone’s experience will differ and I am not trying to invalidate that. What I am saying is that coming forward as a victim, survivor or any other term in relation to sexual abuse is incredibly difficult. The ways in which society makes this difficult affect all victims, however, I am discussing black women specifically and how the myth society perpetuates of a ‘perfect rape victim’ can never be fulfilled by a black woman. I have seen many people of all races, genders, and sexualities be dragged down and dismissed when speaking up because they fall short of the box of ‘perfect’ victim because no one can really fit that twisted ideal. Sexual abuse is incredibly traumatic, and we need to give those who come forward the space to express themselves without stifling judgement.

As a survivor, I know firsthand how misogynoir changes the support and understanding you receive after an assault, and how that undermines the violations you experienced. The night I was assaulted I was at a house party and had gone to the bathroom to recover from a panic attack. I left the bathroom to see someone I had recently broken up with standing in the hallway, and they kissed me before I could even say hello. It was then that I felt like I had no control of where the night was going. It was almost like I was in a nightmare, knowing what was going to happen but unable to stop. I couldn’t shake what happened, and in the next few days, I kept replaying it.

When I opened up to my friends I began to see why that night affected me so badly. “It doesn’t really sound like you consented,” they said. None of it really hit me until I told my oldest friend what happened, hearing her immediate and righteous fury snapped me out of the haze I was in. She demanded the person’s name and swiftly messaged them- and one line shook me up completely.

She said: “Everyone is calling it a violation, but lets be real, if you were a man. Its straight up rape!”

Was that true? Was I raped? I know I felt like I had no choice, I know I was vulnerable and intoxicated, but is that enough? In the days after realizing the sex was non-consensual, I messaged this unnamed person, and it got heated. I was angry, upset and confused by their lack of remorse. If someone messaged me saying they felt like they didn’t consent to sexual activity with me, my first instinct would be to say “Oh my god I am so sorry, why do you feel this way?” This person chose “I don’t get why you are so angry with me.” So each to their own I guess.

They then went on to tell me that my messages were ‘threatening’ and told people they were ‘terrified for their physical safety’ around me as I told them in anger and frustration that it would be ‘on sight’ next I saw them. Anyone who knows me knows I am 4 foot 11 and I am no sort of athlete, but according to this person and their girlfriend (they are in a poly relationship), I am a ‘serious’ physical threat. Honestly, maybe I should have been flattered they thought so highly of me, but the clear racial microaggression prevented me from feeling that way. I have never gotten into physical interaction with anyone. Yet, this person who not only is much taller and stronger than me but has a literal black belt in a martial art was apparent fearful for their physical safety around me. Rather than being seen as someone who was justifiably upset and angry, I was seen as a crazy black woman- ready to physically lash out at people unprovoked.

This was only the beginning of their campaign to make themselves the victim. When we next saw each other at their house I was sitting calmly on the sofa as I was visiting two of my close friends, who happen to also be this person's housemates. It was the exact opposite of ‘on sight’ as I was so unnerved by seeing them, I felt frozen. Their sister physically stood in front of them like a bodyguard, as if the simple act of me sitting two metres away was so threatening their sibling needed to be protected. Again, this person has a black belt, but it was my black body that was seen as the real threat. Even after this completely peaceful, maybe 10-minute interaction, this person continued to say that I was somehow scaring them. They spoke of their fear as if I would have no terror seeing someone who had sex with me without my consent.

Their girlfriend also messaged me saying how she too was fearful of me, despite the fact I spent days checking in with her to see if she was okay, validated her feelings, apologized for my role in hurting her relationship, and answered all and any questions she asked me calmly and clearly. I only became upset with her when I found out she had chosen to stay with someone who not only had non-consensual sex with me but cheated on her four times. And she knew the entire time she was soliciting advice, answers and support from me that she was going to get back with them. I’m not a saint and my patience only goes so far, especially so soon after experiencing trauma. Again, rather than any goodwill being extended to me, when my patience ran out and I messaged her upset about the situation she insisted that I was threatening her. She explained that regardless of whether I could physically hurt her (I have no idea where she lives or works, other than the fact it is outside of the city I live in) and the fact that I saw her partner who assaulted me and didn’t attack them either, she had to take my messages as legitimate and serious threats and not the understandable frustration of someone who had gone out of her way to try to support her despite my own trauma.

The real kicker was during the mediation session I asked the University to facilitate, my rapist had the audacity to ask me to apologize to them, that the messages I sent hurt their feelings and would I say sorry? I could write a thousand sentences here, but absolutely none of them would be a correct response to the amount of audacity it takes to ask someone you are being investigated for sexual misconduct against to apologise for ‘hurting your feelings’.