Little Miss Independence
By: Marcielle Brandler
Tags: Help, Independence, Self Improvement, Short Story, Reliance

A personal essay by

Marcielle Brandler

When I need help, my first instinct is to go off by myself, just when I should call on someone. I first realized this yesterday. I needed a ride to the DMV. A “normal” person would have called a friend, but not I. My plan was to have a taxi pick me up at 7:10 am, so I would arrive there 40 minutes before they would open, thus insuring me first place in line. The taxi never came. I kept going outside to see if they were there. I went back inside, then back outside. I called and the company did not answer. I tried an independent ride company, and they want me to add their app. I don’t know how to do that. I am still waiting outside. Minutes felt like long stretches of time, of time, and of time.

I began to freak out. I tried 411, but just getting connected felt like too long a time for my damned cell phone to connect. Then I got disconnected. I went inside and called 411 on my land line asking for the “bus company.” I never take the bus, so I don’t know what name to ask for. Again, getting connected felt like an eternity, so I hung up and went outside.

As a last resort at 7:45 am, I called my neighbor, Amy. Here voice sounded raspy, “Hello?” I realized that I had awakened her, so I said, “Never mind. Sorry I woke you,” I became so flustered and confused that tears wanted to flow, but I held them back and pressed my lips together. I called Janet knowing that she doesn’t awaken until after nine, and left a message.

I texted another, retired friend, Julie, and she said, “I’m sick.” After much metaphorical tearing out of hair, the taxi showed up. When I got to the DMV, I had to wait for half an hour. Ah, finally, Danny helped me at Window 10, but he said, “You need a smog number. You paid everything, but we just need the number. I called the place where I got my smog checked and they texted me my invoice, but Danny said, “No smog number. Go home. Get your certificate.”

I walked home under the freeway past pee, a homeless man in the shadows, and up the hill past businesses and into my town. It was not terribly far, just a little scary. I found my smog certificate and drove my car with Danny’s temporary registration permission slip back to the DMV and got my registration sticker. By now, it was 11 am or later. Janet called worried and said that she would have picked me up no matter how early it would have been. Amy said the same thing. Kitty also said she too would have come for me. I now realized that I need to request help the day before my event.

Upon reflection, I saw it was my need to protect myself from hearing a “No,” that prevented me from asking for help. Often, it doesn’t occur to me to ask. The desire to remain autonomous is often my downfall. There is history behind this. During my childhood, even though I was a very social personality, under the circumstances, being left alone was a blessing. I deeply desired camaraderie, but my mother forbade me from ever going outside to play with other kids, even though my twin sisters played all day long. I was not allowed to have friends. I was my mother’s slave and so afraid of her that when I sprained both of my ankles walking home from junior high at age 13, in West Hollywood, I never told anyone. No one seemed to notice or care that I was hobbling around and my feet were actually black and dark blue.

When I slammed my finger in the car door at age 15, and could not get the door open to get it out, no one noticed or cared. I just dealt with my issues, like needing a bra, starting my period, and other issues all on my own. Any time I did get attention, it was to be whipped with Dad’s belt by my mom, ridiculed, or told to pull weeds, peel potatoes, or scrub floors. To this day, I will not peel a potato. Beside, I Iike the skins. My ex-husband used to call me Little Miss Independence. He saw in me a girl who did not like to be bossed around.

Now I HAVE to get over this and allow others to help me. Today, Kitty said, “It’s not necessary to give Amy a gift to make up for waking her up.”

“Really?” I said. Kitty and I pledged to help one another and I will encourage it. When we perform loving tasks for another, it solidifies our bonds of friendship, and I do have such lovely friends. Going forward, I shall bond more and stop being so blasted independent.