26 Rules for First 26 Days of Fatherhood
By: Curtis Tongue
Tags: Fatherhood, Baby, Parenting, Parenthood

As fatherhood loomed large in my future, I started taking contemporaneous notes to help other fathers-to-be learn from my mistakes and repeat my successes. Here are 26 rules that helped me during my first 26 days.

Rule 1: Meal Prep for 30 Days of Dinners

My wife, Meg, and I went on the mother-of-all-Costco-runs and bought enough food to supply us with dinner for 30 days. We spent a weekend meal prepping dinners that could be frozen in gallon zip-lock bags. All we need to do is empty the bag into a crockpot around noon, turn it on, and voila — dinner is ready around 6. We doubled up on these recipes.

The prepping was a ton of fun. You get into a nice groove and there’s something oddly therapeutic about dicing an onion properly. I can’t imagine what these early days would be like having to take care of Meg, Juliette, and prepare dinner each night all while we’re adjusting to this new life.

Rule 2: Have three “Go Bags” stocked and at the door

One bag for Meg, one bag for Juliette, and one for myself. Each bag had two changes of clothes, snacks, phone chargers, and a few other odds and ends.

When I heard, “It’s happening,” all I had to do was throw those three bags into the back of the car. That helped free up time make her more comfortable, instead of frantically packing for our hospital stay.

It’s go time.

Rule 3: Clean the house

We decided in advance that when Meg goes into labor, we’re going to try to stay at home for as long as possible, to decrease the chance that the doctors would unnecessarily want to speed things up. I spent whatever time I could getting the house ready for Juliette’s homecoming. I swept the floors, cleaned the kitchen, tidied up the rooms. I can say unequivocally in retrospect that returning to a home that’s clean and organized after a stint of sleeplessness gave both of us a much welcomed sense of “we got this.”

Rule 4: Have your “home to hospital” door-to-door plan mapped out for daytime AND night time.

My co-workers teased me a bit about taking practice runs to the hospital under a few different scenarios — what’s the rush hour route, middle of the night route, which door do we go into if it’s in the middle of the night.

Well, the over preparedness paid off. We headed to the hospital around midnight, which meant we had to enter the hospital through the emergency room, since the main entrance is closed from 9PM — 7AM. A different entrance meant a different parking lot too.

When you have a laboring mother-to-be riding shotgun, telling her to get back into the car so we can figure out how to get into the hospital would have resulted in dagger eyes.

Rule 5: There are no rules

We had a birth plan that was written out with all our requests specified: no epidural, labor in water, immediate skin-to-skin contact with baby, delayed cord-clamping, etc. Our first request went out the window within the first 15 minutes of arrival by our own choice. The birth plan helped me get on the same page as Meg, so there weren’t too many surprises along the way….but you’re really just along for the ride. Mother Nature is in the driver’s seat.

It’s all worth it!

Rule 6: Practice your car seat with a doll

The last thing I wanted to do is fumble the car seat while leaving the hospital. The car seat, the base, and procedures are a bit much to figure out in real-time, so I suggest doing the following a couple weeks prior to delivery:

Double check that you’ve installed the car seat base itself properly. Police stations can also check this for you if you’re unsure.

I got a doll from my niece to practice putting a baby in a car seat. For insurance purposes, some hospitals won’t instruct you on how to properly secure the baby in a car seat, but won’t discharge you unless she’s properly secured. Practice makes perfect. Just don’t let your neighbors see you do it. It looks…weird.

Here’s a good video that demonstrates how to do both.

Rule 7: Time has no meaning

A few days into parenthood, Meg said she was going to head upstairs to bed at around 7PM and I instinctively replied,

“We should at least try to make it until 10.”

“Why? What for,” she replied.

I didn’t have a response. Aside from occasional doctor’s appointments, there’s no real reason to keep a diurnal schedule. Fun trivia fact: everyone knows nocturnal and diurnal circadian rhythms. There’s a third for animals like cats that hunt in the evening and morning twilight periods. That’s called, “crepuscular.”

I’m looking on the bright side of things: I now know what it feels like to be diurnal, nocturnal, and crepuscular.

Rule 8: Get a Philips Hue smart light system

Blasting a room with 60 watts x 4 lights in the middle of the night is a sure-fire way to wake Juliette, Meg, myself, and chip away at the precious few moments of sleep we’ve been able to find.

I installed a system of 3 Philips Hue bulbs in the overhead light and at the nursing station in our bedroom. A couple recommendations:

Hue light bulbs come in white, ‘white ambiance,’ and full color versions. Go for the full color bulbs. Set up a couple of scenes for nursing vs diaper changes vs night light. I found that using a red light while Juliette is nursing keeps her calm and doesn’t disturb our sleep as much. I needed more white and brighter light when changing diapers. The nightlight setting at its lowest light level allowed us to check up on her in the middle of the night, yet wasn’t bright enough to disturb anyone’s sleep. Set up Hue widget short cuts. Put the hue app on your home screen and then long press to immediately activate a certain scene. You don’t even need to open the app. Easy peasy.

Rule 9: Keep a steady flow of icepacks and heating pads

Meg had an early issue of a clogged duct from breast feeding, so heating pads helped get things flowing a little bit easier and the icepacks helped reduce her production of milk. The ice apparently slows down the function of prolactin, which is the hormone regulating milk production. Keep both in steady rotation.

Rule 10: Find a baby data app and start early

I tried out a lot of baby apps, including Baby Tracker, Baby Connect, and Huckleberry.

We went with Baby Connect.

As a product guy, this app reminds me of the mantra: “Make it valuable, then easy, then fast, then pretty.”

This app is not pretty and could be easier. It is; however, immensely valuable. We can track feeding duration, intervals, distinguish left breast from the right breast, edit times after the fact, track poopy vs wet vs combo diapers, and much more. The real value this app brings is in its summary outputs and data visualizations. When visiting the doctor’s office, they’ll often ask about how frequently she feeds, for how long, how many poopy diapers she produces, etc.

It was satisfying to be able to offer the doctor answers down to the minute.

It also is good to see our efforts starting to pay off. We tried to increase feedings during the day, so Juliette would sleep for 3 — 4 hour stretches at night. You can see that start around Day 7.

Fun stuff.

Rule 11: Find a lactation consultant and have them on standby before delivery

Meg’s mammaries made mouthful’s more milk than ‘mecessary.’

Forced alliteration aside, we needed some help figuring out how to get Juliette to feed and make Meg more comfortable. We watched YouTube videos, but having someone that actually came into our home and give advice based on Meg’s setup, routine, and movements was far more helpful than reading clinical recommendations.

There’s a good website called ‘Zipmilk’ that you can find consultants near you.

Rule 12: My order of operations is Meg — > Juliette — > Myself

I know this one might sound a bit controversial: putting anyone ahead of our precious new addition to the family, but this mindset helped bring some much welcomed order while perched precariously close to cliff of chaos.

Yes, I can change diapers. Yes, I can burp Juliette. However, the fact of the matter is that Meg is tending to Juliette, by virtue of biology, about 10x more than I can. There’s no sense in swimming against that current.

I switched my mentality to just serving Meg as best I can and things improved markedly. Here’s my routine:

I dropped my desire to ‘suffer together’ mentality when it came to sleep. When Meg is nursing in the middle of the night, I help her latch and then I’ll stock up on as much sleep as I can. (Upon reading this, Meg suggested that prior to adjusting sleep schedules, this is a good explicit discussion to have.) I get downstairs a couple hours before Meg each morning and do my best impression of a 5-star hotel service staff. Learn your baby’s feeding schedule quickly to anticipate the mother’s needs. For instance, I know that about 10-minutes before a feeding, Meg will want a heating pad and about 30 minutes after the start, she’ll want an icepack. Don’t make her ask for those things.

Rule 13: Use your biceps, not forearm

If you’re carrying the car seat for an extended period, use the hook of your elbow to carry it instead of grasping with your hand. It keeps Juliette closer to my center of gravity and those muscles don’t tire as easily.

Rule 14: It’s a 24/7 job

We were in survival mode for the first couple weeks and jacked up on a lot of adrenaline. Week 3 is when it really hits you what “24/7” actually means. I can only imagine what it’s like for Meg.

The only advice I have is to get your fundamentals down. Ensure you’re in a good rhythm with feedings, keeping the house in order, and especially keeping your partner comfortable. Just 18 more years…

Rule 15: Put blackout curtains over your bedroom windows

Juliette’s longest stint of sleep is around 5AM — 9AM, just when the sun is rising. That stretch of sleep is golden and blackout curtains help keep daylight out in order to get some nice REM cycles.

Rule 16: Get a blanket to cover her while in a stroller

I’m writing this during peak flu season and coronavirus craziness. We’re obviously trying to avoid unnecessary contact with strangers, but old ladies are a particularly dangerous disease vector for Juliette.

They will poke and pinch her cheeks with impunity.

Keep a blanket in your diaper bag to drape over the stroller to tell the world “Do not touch!” without having to say a word.

Rule 17: Two changing stations is far more useful than a nursery

We’ve changed her maybe twice in her nursery. Yes, it was a fun nesting project, but it’s just not practical yet.

The second changing station we put together in our main living area is far more useful. Given how tired we are, having to go upstairs every time that Juliette needs a change during the day was just enough to tip us over the edge to “This is exhausting!!”

Rule 18: Get pajamas with zippers, not buttons

In the middle of the night, when you have the light dimmed, and your brain is barely functioning, buttons can be….confusing. If you haven’t purchased PJ’s just yet — go for the ones with zippers. Meg particularly likes the ‘Carters Only One You’ with the double zipper.

Rule 19: Learn where the squeaks are in your floor

Learn how to walk around the house silently. Stepping on that floor board that goes “ccrrRREEEAKKKK” in the middle of the night, that then wakes up Meg, quickly followed by a “wwaaAAA” is a bad outcome. Just pretend you’re Indiana Jones walking across the booby-trapped (or is that baby-trapped?) floor to get to your golden idol.

Rule 20: Make a routine to get outside the house

My friend who also recently had their first child told me that, “We live in our bedroom now.” I didn’t think they meant that literally. I’m now sure they actually lived in their bedroom. Feedings start at about about 2 hours apart, so there isn’t much time to get out.

That being said, there’s that 30 — 40 minute window between feedings and “costume changes” that is imperative we get out of the house.

Cabin fever is insidious and sets in quickly. Nip that in the bud.

Rule 21: Swift, snug swaddling is super for sanity

The difference a snug swaddle makes is night and day. Juliette could be inconsolable, but as soon as I turn her into a little burrito, it’s peace and quiet. It was a little tricky to learn, but worth the time time for figure out how to do properly. Here’s a short video that demonstrates.

Rule 22: SSSSSSShhhhhhhhhhhhhh

A ‘shhhhhuuussshhhh’ is surprisingly effective at quieting Juliette down, but only if I’m louder than I think is necessary. 75 dB (measured at three feet away) usually does the trick.

If you have an Apple Watch, there’s a handy new sound widget you can briefly install to see how loud you actually are.

Another easy rule of thumb is to just be louder than they’re crying.

Rule 23: Diaper genie is a perfect name

Get a diaper genie! These things are one of the few products to live up to their brand name. Just make sure that you empty it before it gets too full, otherwise, it can become a bit cumbersome. Gross.

We got ours from my sister-in-law, so we didn’t do any research on competing products. Here’s a link if you just want to pick one up.

Rule 24: The more tummy-time, the better

I haven’t spent much time around babies before Juliette and to be honest, I was kinda freaked out about holding her for the first time. She seems so fragile.

What they say is true. Babies bounce. Babies are pliant.

But that neck still gets me. Her neck is still weak and her head rolls around and it gives me the heebee jeebees.

We’ve started doing some tummy time over the past couple of weeks to strengthen her neck and arm muscles and it’s paying off. Her head isn’t quite as floppy. I’m marginally more comfortable now. I think it’s okay to start doing tummy time once the umbilical cord falls off, but obviously check with your own doctor first.

Rule 25: Put a diaper underneath the one you’re changing

Juliette likes to put on a show. As soon as the pajamas and diapers come off — she thinks it’s a perfect time to go to the bathroom. Not bad logic, actually. Now, I put a clean one underneath her whenever we’re changing diapers.

Rule 26: Just do it.

I don’t ask if I think Juliette needs a diaper change. I don’t ask if Meg wants a cup of coffee. I don’t ask if she could use some extra sleep.

Just change Juliette. Just get Meg a cup of coffee. Just take Juliette out of the bedroom and let Meg to get some extra ZZZs.

You made it this far, so thanks for reading. Without further ado, here she is!

PS — here are some bonus spreadsheets for things to buy and a general baby to-do list.