A Threesome I Never Intended To Have
By: Faith Ann
Tags: Self, Military, Advice, Relationships, Love

Marc and I started dating shortly after his halfway mark. He had been in for two years and had a little under two years left. We reconnected a few months after he returned from his 15 months in the Middle East.

During the first couple of months, Marc put on a really good facade.

I don’t think he was trying to be deceitful or insincere. But I certainly was not privy to the emotional burden he was constantly carrying. His depression, pain, and PTSD were all behind the scenes. I was a light in his otherwise painful life and he was eager to enjoy those moments with me.

So for the first couple of months, I knew his situation wasn’t ideal but I was also under the assumption it was manageable.

Once the summer hit and he could no longer hide his misery, I started seeing changes in him and our relationship. Marc had a harder time putting on a brave face and I was finally starting to see a fuller picture.

I didn’t handle, what felt like, drastic changes very well. I became insecure and in turn, hurt my partner. His energy level and our relationship completely shifted. It felt like everything changed overnight.

Before we were going out on dates often, now he barely had the energy to leave his apartment. Months prior he was sending me sweet nothing texts, now so many of our conversations were about how miserable he was.

If he didn’t have the energy to spend time with me, I took it personally. It felt like he didn’t want to spend time with me. I felt ignored and isolated.

If he said he hating everything about life in the military, I included myself in that equation. I was part of that life, shouldn’t I count for something?

When he slowly started confiding how terrible life was, I pushed back and tried to get him to see the bright side. At the start of our relationship, he said the military was bad but stayed lighthearted about it, so I assumed based on his prior words that it couldn’t be that bad.

If he wasn’t eating or sleeping well, I thought that reflected on me as a partner. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough to keep Marc afloat. I got angry at myself.

Then I would get angry at him.

Every single day our conversations, both virtual and in-person, were filled with negativity. There was a never-ending cycle of shittiness. And since during this time, he was withdrawing from his friendships — too depressed to be an active participant — I was the person he shared all of this with.

I got frustrated that all of our conversations revolved around the military and let that frustration get in the way of actually seeing his pain. I was too exasperated to be empathetic. Then discouraged by my lack of empathy, he slowly started pulling away from me.

But the worst part of all of this is I started feeling insecure in our relationship.

I thought maybe I was just a means to fill a void. I reminded him of home, something he missed so dearly. Maybe I was just a little piece of home to help him through the next two years. Every time he went home and he had an amazing time, although I was happy for him, my insecurity would spike.

The military made our relationship so miserable, but I was simultaneously worried we wouldn’t survive once our third partner let us go.