I am lonely
Tags: Pandemic, Shy, Nervous, Loneliness, Family

Before we start I would like to apologize if there are any mistakes in this. I don’t like English class so I don’t pay too much attention, also sorry if this is all over the place I sometimes forget the timeline and I don’t want to go back.

I don’t expect anyone to read this so here we go.

I remember when I would talk to anybody without a problem, I could start conversations with anybody without thinking if they thought I was weird. But then I started to grow up and got more insecure and started to talk less. I remember in kindergarten and 1st grade I would talk to teachers a lot, of course I would get nervous but it only lasted a few seconds (I was kind of a shy/nervous kid back then but no were near as much as today). I loved talking to family, going to family parties and hanging out with friends, but now hate doing those things.

I remember being so excited and spending the whole day getting ready to go to a party and talk to my cousins, but now I dread talking to my family and I hate parties. Sometimes I get mad at myself, I see these people and their cousins having great relationships (friends of course) and I hate myself for being too shy to text them or go to parties so I can talk to them and try to build a friendship there. I feel like it's too late to build a friendship you know. There are days where I imagine a world where I talk to my cousins and we all get along and hang out as much as we can, and by the end I feel lonely, mad, disappointed, and sad I let myself get here. I used to get mad at my parents for not living near my cousins (we live like an hour away), I sometimes still do. The only reason I get mad at them is because I don’t want to admit to myself that it is my fault. I hate myself.

3rd grade I met a girl lets call her Julie. She was new to the school, and my friend “ally” introduced her to me. We hit it off and quickly became best friends. We did everything together, we went to each other's houses, we met each other's parents, we went to theme parks, we played together at recess, you get it. Things were simpler back then, we were kids we didn’t have to text each other every day to remain best friends we could go days without talking and still be best friends. 6th grade we just entered middle school. Over the summer she moved to another city, she and I still went to the same school. We started to get distant, at first I did not think much of it, you know new school new friends. I made new friends and so did she. I met a girl named “Alexis”. we started to get close and in a week we were “best friends” .a thing I regret. I changed my insta bio to best friend: Alexis. Julie saw it and told me I told her it was a joke. I think her seeing that hurt her since we were best friends for 3 years and I only knew Alexis for a week. Eventually Julie moved to a new school near her new home. After that we did not talk, it didn’t hurt at first but now it does. We still hang out but it is not the same. It is hard for me to start a conversation with her, and I hate it. Every time I hang out with her I feel like her mom told her she had to, but I know I am just over thinking it but I still can’t shake it off. There are days she comes to pick me up and it takes me like 20 mins to come out of my room because I am just too nervous. I hate growing up.

I don’t have real friends. The only friends I have are school friends. School friends are friends you only talk to in school. Since schools shut down it has been rough, I don’t talk to anybody. It has been 9 months and the only people I talk to regularly are my parents I know sad. People have texted me but I don’t know how to continue a conversation past what you are doing. I hate texting. I just don’t know how some people are good at it, I just suck and I have it. If I could change one thing about myself it would be that. I am just too shy and nervous for this world.

Well this is the end if you made it here congrats? I don’t know. Again sorry if there are any mistakes in this, I know there is. Sorry. :)