You Just Refuse To See Us: CisSexism and AMAB Non-Binary Folx
By: Guin Davis
Tags: BlackLivesMatter, LGBTQ, Cissexism, Black Trans Lives Matter, Nonbinary

“Double Trouble” from Netflix’s “She-Ra and The Princesses of Power” — uses They/Them/Theirs pronouns

By Guin G. Davis

I don’t believe that people ever really cease changing. We are constantly in an immutable state of becoming both metaphysically and practically. When I reflect on the journey into my Non-Binary existence, I was always headed in this direction. I was assigned male at birth (AMAB) and then I transitioned into my Non-Binary existence, and this year I found my name. Previously I was “Gerrard,” but now I am Guin (pronounced “Gwen”). I am no longer He/Him/His, I am They/Them/Theirs. Even before Guin arrived, Gerrard was They/Them/Theirs. However, this fact does and has not allow me the freedom to move throughout the spaces I do without facing a very particular brand of Non-Binary Transphobia.

Many may contest: How is someone supposed to know if you don’t tell them? Let’s unpack this a bit. First and foremost, it is rooted in cissexism because it completely undermines the fact that with every interaction I have to explain and validate who I am to every individual that I meet. What Cis person — sexuality aside — finds themselves subject to that same treatment and/or expectation? Secondly, I am the one who has to where a bright (albeit cute) T-Shirt or a very noticeable button on my chest saying “THEY/THEM/THEIRS” as to not be misgendered or acknowledged on a daily basis. However, the onus is naturally placed on us to be forgiving of this violence and disregard because someone is “still learning.” The issue is that there’s nothing to learn, only something to be told. I tell you who you are speaking to, and you respond in kind. When someone tells you their name, you call them by that name unless given permission to do otherwise.

I work for a community based organization that advocates for and services disenfranchised populations, specifically Black LGBTQ+ communities. When I first began working here I was barred from having a sign on my door that read (at the time):

“Hi! I’m Gerrard

MY PRONOUNS: THEY/THEM THEIRS

So refer to me as…

Gerrard, Gerry, or G

Any non-male identifying words work too!

THANKS!”

To this very day, although my pronouns are in my email signature, I wear my pronoun button, I am perpetually misgendered to the point where I’ve given up. I live with the aggression and explicit disregard in my office space — meant to service Queer Black folks — that communicates to me a few things: (1) We don’t have the capacity for you; (2) We don’t have the capacity for the community; (3) We don’t care. I don’t even feel safe with giving them my name. They wouldn’t have the respect for it — they’re still learning.

If I am being transparent with you, the reader, and myself: I have contemplated suicide more frequently now than I have in the past few years because my thoughts have been: Who I am cannot nor will it be recognized in my daily life with my family and friends, but I refuse to go back to who they think I am and live a lie, so why live at all if I cannot walk the earth in myself?

I was reading an article written by Da’Shaun Harrison, another AMAB Non-Binary person, an he wrote:

“…[N]onbinary people assigned male at birth (amab) are not men. Engaging us as if we are is cissexist… [P]eople grow comfortable with being transphobic towards nonbinary people because the violence transgressed against our bodies has not yet been directly translated to Death — thus they cannot yet build social, political, and/or economic capital off of our lives… People who I date and/or have sex with need me to be a Man so that they don’t have to contend with their ugly politic around gender. Other marginalized Black people need me to be a Man when I offer a sound critique so that they can build a campaign against me rooted only in a politic around identity and not in love or principle.”

Harrison is talking specifically about their experiences as being fat, Black, and Non-Binary, but the explicit commentary around our shared Black and Non-Binary identities rings true enough for me to reference them. Black AMAB Non-Binary folks are persistently thrown under the bus and partly due to the fact that various industrial complexes cannot profit off of Non-Binary people in general. The CDC, various grants, clothing, toys, television, organized religions, entire movements, spaces, and conversations all thrive on their unhealthy dependency on gender. What’s more is that…

…no matter how many times I say otherwise, people can’t conceptualize this body of mine away from manhood. They don’t want to. And because there is no currency in protecting, showing up for, and caring for nonbinary people, they do not have to.

AMAB Non-Binary folks have to put forth so much effort to be seen and recognized in our daily lives. It doesn’t help that I like to weight lift, am 6'3" and (I guess) have some bass in my voice; it doesn’t help that policies in the workplace don’t account for Non-Binary folks who are more fluid in their aesthetic in environments historically dominated by Cis gay men. The reality is that whether it’s on the street, in the office, in our various social circles, or larger institutions that profit off of marginalized communities, AMAB Non-Binary folks (if I’m being honest, Non-Binary folks in general) are not seen. It is not because we don’t want to be seen, or lack visibility to those we meet, but people outright refuse to acknowledge us. We can introduce ourselves, we can make declarations, wear literal signs and the people we interact with everyday will look right by us. These aren’t just strangers; these are friends, family, loved ones, coworkers, management, administration. These are people that we are expected to entrust ourselves to every single day.

People make conscious and unconscious choices to dispute our presence and deny our existence. As a result, some AMAB Non-Binary folks(like myself) find whatever option they have to deal with in order to cope. I cannot leave work because it is currently my livelihood, so I resist in smaller (and sometimes more explicit) ways. Do your Non-Binary co-existent individuals a favor and open your eyes. We can not be the one’s who have to learn how to live in jaded silence because you’re still learning simple identifiers.