All done pumping!
By: Silvia B
Tags: Preemie, Pumping, Micro Preemie, Breastfeeding

Saying goodbye to my trusty pump…

Today, I say goodbye to this thing. It’s been 16 months and I am simultaneously glad to get rid of my hospital-grade pump, a machine I was tied to for hours every single day, and also incredibly sad that this chapter in my life is over. I exclusively pumped to provide breast milk for Felix. He never fed directly from my breast, but knowing that I was providing the bulk of his nutrition made me feel very close to him. I knew that if I ate a healthy, varied diet, he would acquire a taste for the foods I ate and hopefully take to them once he was eating solids. I also knew that if I got sick, I could provide antibodies to help him fight the virus.

When I first started, I was still in the hospital recovering from my c-section. I only produced drops and Bryan helped me store every last one. He washed pump parts after every session and delivered the milk in little test tubes for Felix in the NICU. I had to hold my pump parts against my chest because I didn’t have a pumping bra. One of the lactation consultants was a godsend and taught me how to massage my breasts to produce more milk and got me a hands-free bra that gave me back my freedom. I learned about the proper hygiene and how best to store my milk. It was so scientific, and all in service to my delicate son.

Me and my pump while I was in the hospital

I had all the benefits of a breastfeeding mom, and many negatives they never deal with. I often had sore breasts, the pump would pinch, and several times I lay in tears while Bryan went running for a hot pack because the pain was so intense. Once, I nearly developed mastitis and after that, I was diligent about massaging while I pumped. At my max, I was pumping every 3 hours, 8 times per day, for 20–30 minutes each session. And then, I would turn around and try to feed Felix by bottle for another 30 minutes, and whatever he didn’t drink would be fed by g-tube for another 10–30 minutes. I felt like I was pumping or feeding all day, every day. It was so exhausting. Moreover, while pumping, I couldn’t really interact with my baby, as he would frequently unplug the funnels, or spill milk. Bryan, my mom, or Bryan’s mom helped me in those early days to attend to Felix while I produced his milk.

And yet, pumping was my excuse to escape the stress and the worries, often giving me the chance to read a couple of chapters in a book, watch a movie or show, or simply sit in silence.

And now, in the last few months of my pumping journey, I continued to diligently pump 6 times per day, massaging the entire time, eating every galactagogue I could, and still, my supply dropped to the point that I had to give Felix formula for some of his feeds. It was so discouraging that I was doing everything right and my body just didn’t want to produce what my son needed. Bryan and I made the decision to prioritize my self-care and gradually stop my pumping by the time he reached his first adjusted birthday.

Why do I share all this? Because I had no idea what it was like to be an exclusively pumping momma. I always assumed I would breastfeed and that it would be easy. But the reality is so much more complicated than that. Felix couldn’t eat by mouth until he was 4 months old (about a month after his due-date birthday). By that time, he had to drink thickened liquids and so could not try breastfeeding. He had limited opportunities to bottlefeed and when he finally got cleared to try breastfeeding at 6 months old (3 months adjusted), it was too hard for him. He didn’t know I could provide food for him.

I didn’t know how much I wanted to breastfeed until I realized I would not be able to. It was a heartbreaking realization, and yet I could still provide him with my milk, the best food for a preemie, and so that’s what I did.

Pumping with Felix on my lap in the NICU

Every mom has had to give up on a dream at some point. I have given up on many dreams as the mom of a micro-preemie, and yet I’ve gained so much that I never knew to want. I am so proud of myself for pumping for this long and I’m so glad I was able to do this, but at the end of the day, fed is truly best. So, goodbye breast pump. I hope you serve another mom as well as you did me and Felix.