What Would You Ask for If You Knew The Answer Was Yes?
By: Jeremy Helligar
Tags: Love, Nonfiction, Life, Holidays, Gifts

What Would You Ask for If You Knew The Answer Was Yes?

9.) Something to smile about on my half-birthday (Nov. 7)…

Photo: PublicDomainPictures.net

I came across the question in the title a few years ago on Instagram, and it stopped me dead in my scrolling.

It was a welcome respite from all those narcissistic selfies and show-off holiday snaps that made me give up on Instagram after only a few months. The question got me thinking, and with the next gift-shopping holiday season fast approaching, it’s gotten me thinking again.

I rarely receive presents, and frankly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s not that I’m a man who already has everything. In fact, I have closer to nothing. I’ve spent the past nearly 17 months wandering around Asia and Europe with most of my belongings in one suitcase and two carry-ons.

I keep my possessions in check because minimalism is my thing. I don’t collect anything that can’t be stored digitally. Physical belongings only lead to clutter, to which I’m violently allergic. I have pretty much all I want/need. I’d never turn down a nice hoodie, but I’m more into the intangible.



Although I’m borderline-impossible to shop for, I’m not without a wish list. What would I ask for if I knew the answer was yes? Well, that one’s easy.

1. The One (Love, baby, love)

Have we met? Did I already love and lose him? I spent decades waiting for the man (to borrow a line from a song by The Velvet Underground about a more dangerously addictive love) before I gave up and went home. I’ll probably never return to that corner, but my door is still open.

2. Home

The week I scrolled upon the aforementioned Instagram post, I gave a presentation at work about my professional story, which I separated into three distinct chapters: 1) The magazine era in New York City. 2) The book era in Buenos Aires, Melbourne, Bangkok, and Cape Town. 3) The digital era in Sydney.



“So where do you consider to be home then?” someone asked when I was finished.



I still have no idea, but I’m more than ready to find out. As the golden Burt Bacharach/Hal David oldie so eloquently put it, a house is not a home. Nor is a home necessarily home. And as much as I loved my home in Sydney, the city was never home.



How will I know I’m finally home? When I feel secure and happy enough somewhere to take a major leap of faith and sign up for a long-term Internet plan.

3. An idea for a groundbreaking app

I’ve been fantasizing about this ever since Marnie’s ex-boyfriend Charlie got rich by getting into the app business during the second season of Girls. He was my favorite of all the show’s male love interests, but I’d be sure to request an ending that’s happier than Charlie’s. By season five, he’d lost his health, his hygiene, and his hope to a drug habit. I’d take everything he gave up (aside from Marnie) over the app fortune.

4. A gift for writing fiction

I’m the kind of guy who’s in awe of people who excel at things I cannot do well, or at all, like sing, cook, or tell a compelling story that didn’t actually happen. I’ll probably always feel a little bit like a failure for not mastering the latter.

5. A portable bathroom that fits into my backpack

I know. Impossible. But if it weren’t, I’d want mine to be self-cleaning. As a frequent pee-er, never again being stuck out and about when I’m dying to go would be like living the dream — one in which I wouldn’t have to squeeze myself into those filthy water closets while traveling around Europe by bus and train.

A travel-size portable loo certainly would have come in handy in 2014 when I went camping in the Serengeti, with only nylon walls separating me inside my sleeping bag from the lions and elephants roaming by. I would, of course, have needed a much bigger tent.

Number-twos probably would remain strictly an at-home thing, but if I ever decide to join the mile-high club, I wouldn’t have to worry about impatient fellow passengers waiting outside.

6. A private personal gym in every city I visit

Sometimes the presence of multiple hardbodies can provide motivation, but I’d give it up if it meant I’d never again have to wait on someone who’s hogging the bench-press area.

7. A digital copy of House of Bondage (photos by Ernest Cole, words by Thomas Flaherty)

House of Bondage is a rare book that was published and banned in South Africa during the apartheid era, making it virtually impossible to buy there even today. I first learned about it via an exhibit at The Apartheid Museum in Johannesburg, the one that made me break down in tears in 2013 and inspired my in-the-works second book, Storms in Africa: Notes from the Motherland.

I haven’t been able to find a new copy in any bookstore, or online, for less than $100, much less in eBook form. When I finally decide to hand over $100-plus for a hard copy on Amazon, with an extra $50 tacked on to my bill for international delivery, I’ll probably read it and weep… again.

“House of Bondage” Photo: Ernest Cole via Pixelle.co

8. Peace of mind

Panic disorder is the bane of my 24/7. It makes “living every day like it’s your last” to close to literal for comfort.

9. The downfall of Donald Trump

I want it to be hard and humiliating, for him and for his fans. At this point, I’m not sure whom I resent more — the idiot in charge or the ones who gave him the keys to the White House. The rest of us have been talking about a revolution for two years. Can we please end this national nightmare and make revolution a reality on November 6?

10. World peace

Of course. Because we don’t need another Boston or Brussels or Istanbul or Paris or 9/11. (The latter is my least favorite New York City experience over the course of my 15 years living there.) Because I don’t want to read about yet another black person, another member of the LGBTQ community, another refugee, another Muslim, or another woman being harassed, bashed, or murdered. Because both guns and people kill.

So, what would you ask for if you knew the answer was yes?