We Are Back in Business
By: Pete D. Camarillo
Tags: Brother, Fatherhood, Journal, Work, Love

We Are Back in Business

Legends say my Grandpa Pete was a hell of a fighter and boxer. I don’t know because he was washed when I knew him. I believe it based on how he watched boxing. It always seemed slow watching it with him.

I do know he was good with his hands. He must have been a great mechanic because my Dad is a good one. He leaned on his Dad for solving weird automotive problems.

This past week I lost my third grandparent in 2020. My Dad’s Dad died unexpectedly. He was the second in our lineage of Petes.

We all have different middle names but remain connected because pf our first and last initials. This is why I feel the need to never forget the “D.” when I publish.

It hurts seeing my Dad lose both his parents in the last year. Sure, his relationships with them were complicated but all that made him into the father he is for me.

He was a mechanic as was his Dad and grandpa. Despite that, my Dad never showed me much about being a greasy monkey. He turned the wrench so I didn’t have to. My pops wanted better for me than the family trade.

That doesn’t mean I don’t carry myself with the same arrogance, problem solving skills and work ethic passed to me by my name. After all, Peter built the church, David beat Goliath and Camarillo is a settlement turned city. which was once home to the largest mental institute. Knowing where my name comes from helps me get my own meaning.

I try to focus on the fact that my Grandparents are looking out for each other. I hope some of their energy comes to me too. It does not make it much easier though at the holidays. You miss their presence, their expertise and all the things you wish you said or did. This latest passing reminds me of that again. It also compounds the fact that I’ve been so busy with work and the kids that maybe I still need more time to grieve and sit with my sadness.

You know grief waits for no one. Doesn’t matter if my bereavement is dried up and my leave is gone.

Well, I got back to business as usual this week. Sure, I spent the last few days filtering through thousand of emails. However, not much else changed.

There is something relieving about returning to work and not feeling like you missed much. Yet, it can also make you feel insignificant. Business moves even when you’re away.

Speaking of which, I hoped to use my time away from the 9–5 to work on my side projects. About halfway through I kind of gave up on that since distance learning a lot of bandwidth.

Now, I feel that urge kicking inside of me again. This time I hope to enlist some help so I can reach my goals without sacrificing the time my teenagers need.

Already, it feels like their focus is letting up. Maybe, it’s me being more relaxed trying fo focus on work or just exhaustion from 15 weeks distance learning.

Either way, next semester will be different in the new year. Hopefully, none of them bury themselves in a whole this time. Ideally, they should be more adjusted to living with me and distance learning too. To be determined.

For now, I am just happy to have made it this far. Christmas and the holidays seemed so far a few months ago but the days flew by. This will be my new normal and I am ok with that.

Sure, I could use more money considering leave only paid part of my salary and we skipped the Christmas bonuses. Nonetheless, I celebrate the small wins. Putting together the Christmas tree was the most fun I’ve had in a minute. My house looks cool with the pictures covered in wrapping paper for the season.

All this would not have been possible without my girlfriend, Dad, Step mom, sister and other friends/brothers who chipped it. It is amazing seeing my brother’s excitement when he passes all his classes or football training adds up. I enjoy being challenged from them even on days when it feels too hard.

With everything I’ve lost this year and the rest of my life, I’ve been given a lot too. I’m reminded of this when I think about past supervisors and family. Doesn’t matter if it is an old teammate or boss, you feel values seeing their respect hold when communication and paths go a different way. For me the motive has always been respect over money or title. That is why I am always open to help young journalists and students with their career path and relationship building.

It can still all feel like a lot. Luckily, this leave gave me time to slowdown for the first time since graduating college. That’s the clarity I needed.

For as fast as the world and media moves, feeling like you need to speed up does not help. You and I are not androids or time machines. Limitations and boundaries are important. You need this clarity to move in a space that stops for nobody. Otherwise, you fall victim to seeing everything through cranky, burnt out eyes.

At that point, everything just feels like another thing. It might be but getting stressed out about it only slows you down more.

Who are you helping? Why are you even doing this? All that purpose and drive gets lost when you’re the cranky guy in traffic honking and barking at the car in front of you.

Guess what, the person singing and smiling in the car next to you is dealing with the same delay and probably the same bullshit you subconsciously hate. The difference is they aren’t punishing themselves and people around them by being irritable all the time.

Of course, you might not notice that because you’re so busy with your foot on the gas, switching lanes and fighting for a few meaningless minutes in bumper to bumper traffic. Slow down and take the moment in.

Really what’s the rush to get back to mundane anyways? The process moves as fast as it needs to. There is beauty in the struggle if you aren’t so distracted by the destination.

Life is short, the journey is long but once you slow down and accept that they feel less hard and more meaningful.