7 Signs You Might Be Codependent in Your Relationship
By: Tara Blair Ball
Tags: Relationships, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Happiness, Self

Shawn Meghan Burn, Ph.D., author of Unhealthy Helping: A Psychological Guide for Overcoming Codependence, Enabling, and Other Dysfunctional Helping, defines codependence as “an imbalanced relationship pattern where one partner assumes a high-cost ‘giver-rescuer’ role and the other the ‘taker-victim’ role.”

By the time I left my ex-husband, I managed nearly everything for our household.

I thought raising two children on my own would be back-breakingly difficult, but it wasn’t because instead of taking care of three dependents (my two children and my husband), I’d be just taking care of two.

Rob Weiss, Ph.D., author of Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, says,

“The codependent taker is usually some combination of needy, under-functioning, immature, addicted, entitled or troubled. They rely on the giver to take care of them, assume or soften the negative consequences for their actions, and to compensate for their under-functioning.”

Until I discovered my ex-husband had been actively using for five or more years, I would have never said we were in a codependent relationship. I thought what we were doing was normal.

Every couple balances shared duties their own way, right? Every couple has their problems, right?

When I realized for years that I had enabled his addiction and bad behavior, I was devastated. I hadn’t been able to decipher love from codependency because I thought that if we love someone, we put that person’s needs before ours and make their happiness our priority. That couldn’t be a bigger lie.

You might be in a codependent relationship too if:

1. You start taking on all of the responsibility to connect.

As a partner pulls back in how much time, effort, and care they are giving, the other partner instinctively fills in the gap by working harder to stay bonded. As soon as this happens, the relationship has shifted in an unhealthy direction towards codependency.

2. You want to fix your partner.

Codependent personalities tend to be people-pleasers, thriving on a desire to “help” or “fix” others. When caring for another person stops you from having your own needs met or if your self-worth is dependent on being needed, you may be heading down the codependent path.

3. You lose all of your boundaries.

Codependent people are over-givers. They always feel overly responsible for other people and that they need to keep giving and overcompensating. We need boundaries to protect ourselves, but often codependent people will drop them entirely in a romantic relationship with a dysfunctional person.

4. You don’t feel like you have an independent life.

The time you are away from your partner is time you can work on yourself and your other relationships and become a more well-rounded happier person. If you cannot do anything without your partner at your side, you are moving into a codependent relationship.

5. You lose contact with friends and family.

While falling in love often means we pull away from our other relationships, healthy ones will spring back to a more balanced state once the pink cloud of new love fades. If you begin sacrificing your personal relationships to be with your partner instead far after the new rosy period, it’s a sign that your romantic relationship has become too much of a priority and hurting your other relationships.

6. Your partner has unhealthy habits.

Real love is when we encourage our partner to be the best version of themselves they possibly can be.

To a codependent though, who wants to feel needed, their partner choosing to be healthy can actually feel like a threat, so they can often subconsciously or consciously sabotage their partner’s attempts at being healthy.

For example, Leah might be in a relationship with Peter who is a binge drinker. She binge drinks whenever he does or she takes care of him whenever he is hungover, calling in sick to work for him and bringing him water and ibuprofen. But when he decides to quit, instead of supporting him to do this, she keeps alcohol around the house and often drinks in front of him.

7. You’re always looking for reassurance.

When your emotional needs are not being met, you’ll find yourself constantly asking for and wanting reassurance. Maybe you constantly wonder if your partner will leave you or you fantasize about leaving them.

Maybe you start fights just to have the lovey-dovey make-ups later or you flirt with other people of the opposite sex to get a rise out of them. If so, you are likely in a codependent relationship.

Codependent relationships are never healthy and hard to fix if both people don’t get help from licensed professionals. The first step though is always awareness. If you have codependent behaviors, it’s very likely your partner has an issue that you are or are not completely aware of.

If you have any concerns about your safety in an abusive codependent relationship, get to a safe place and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1–800–799–7233 or go to their website for resources and help.