Is This How We Talk To Each Other Now?
By: Lj Black
Tags: Self Improvement, Empowerment, Conflict, Resolutions, Bullying

Is This How We Talk To Each Other Now?

Photo by Obie Fernandez on Unsplash

A funny thing happened at the grocery store today.

Here’s the setting: I’m a mid-40’s woman of means living in a rural part of Phoenix Arizona. I’ve never had a problem with anyone in any way. No raucous disputes with the neighbors. I never feed the trolls on the internet. I get upset when someone kills a snake. I’ve never been late on my taxes and always vote. No criminal record, nada. For all intents and purposes, I’m a law-abiding citizen and according to my friends, a great listener.

Even at the grocery store, I’m the rare customer who brings the shopping cart back to the shopping bay, instead of leaving it somewhere near my car. I’m quiet and wait for my turn. I say hello to everyone I pass and the workers.

Today I walked into the store and within seconds was verbally assaulted by what I can only describe as what cleverer folks than I refer to as a “Karen.” My transgression? Apparently, I was in her way.

A “Karen” in the wild.

There I was putting my shopping list and pen back into my purse after striking my grapes off the list, when I heard a voice say testily, “If ONE of you would get out of my way, I could get by, instead of blocking the aisle.”

Fair enough, rude, but not an uncommon request amongst the narrow green leaf aisle. I immediately pulled my cart backward around the edge, while another shopper, a white-haired older woman nearby scrambled out of the way while saying a very loud and sincere, “Oh excuse me!”

But Ms. “Karen” pushed past me and muttered loud enough for those closest to hear, “It wouldn’t be a problem if SOME people would get off their phone.”

At this point, I felt the need to clarify things, “I was putting my grocery list away.” I said to her.

“You were on your phone! You need to get out of the way!” She snarled haughtily.

“Ok then. You have no idea what you're talking about ma’am. But you have yourself a lovely day!” I barked after her, even though I didn’t mean it.

She didn’t like that I went about my business giggling to myself and joking with those around me who were shocked at the turn of events. I was doing my best to put them at ease.

I found a spot a little away from her to give her the space she needed and looked at my list again. Damn. Forgot the carrots.

I had to circle around to go back for the carrots. I had no idea where my antagonist was, but nor did I care because I figured she had said her piece and that was it.

I was wrong.

I gathered my carrots into my bag and set it in my cart. Ms. Karen, glaring daggers at me, glided her cart past mine and insisted at me with a knowing nod, “You’re just trash. You’re trashy.”

At which I burst into laughter, waved at her, and said, “Ok bye now! I think you need to go home and have yourself a nap!” At which the others near me also began to laugh.

Is this what we’ve come to?

While I shook my head, still laughing to myself, I was totally secure in the fact that I had not earned her ire and completely amused at the beginning of my day. I hadn’t even been in the store for five minutes.

The others that were near me assured me to brush her off, which I did. I wasn’t going to say sorry for something I hadn’t done. I just laughed along with my new friends and said clearly she was having a bad day and it had nothing to do with me. The others laughed it off too.

But you know, I still wonder why she threw her rage at me. As I wandered the store, I thought about what I was wearing — a mask, navy shorts, and a cute tee with tiny printed bees on it and a small cursive “busy” where a name tag could go. I had made an effort with my hair too. I was wearing proper shoes, carried a purse, and looked like everyone else… or so I thought. All was the same… except my lovely brown skin.

I hated the thought that my “Karen” was a potential racist. I had never been confronted by an outright racist before, so I wasn’t comfortable with this assumption.

But I had met people who hated me for no reason.

Those people were my garden variety bullies. These people also didn’t know me, had never even taken the time to say hello or try to get to know me. They didn’t know that I was a former model. They had no idea that I was an advanced honors graduate. They had no clue that I used to host workshops for free for teens and met with their parents over coffee to discuss their careers in fashion. They didn’t know I had two children and a husband at home that I love very much and they love me, or that I had two rescue dogs and I’ve trained them very well. They didn’t know that I cry at animated Disney movies or write novels.

All of that, all that makes me ME — was irrelevant.

They looked at me and made one conclusion: that I was IN THEIR WAY. Trash. Unworthy. Begone.

That’s always an interesting thing to think about — how humans act when confronted with a truth that lies just beyond their nose.

If my “Karen” didn’t like my clothes, or the color of my skin, or that I was in her part of the grocery store, the truth is IT WASN’T MY PROBLEM. I can’t fix it. I can’t make her see me any other way, so why sweat it?

I held my head higher. I walked a little taller. I smiled a bit more. The one thing bullies hate more than anything is the fact that you aren’t affected by them.

Sure I was riled up. I had a million quick comebacks dancing on my tongue if she came at me again. I’ve never been accused of being a dull wit, so I had that going for me. But sadly my Karen never showed her face around me again. Maybe it was my hearty laughs that sent her for the exit.

In any case, I want to empower anyone who is ever confronted by a bully like this to remember one thing: YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE THEIR DERISION.

And to also remember this last thing: they can’t tear you down or make you feel smaller unless you let them. I occupy my space and no one is going to force me to be any less.

Keep on laughing. ;)

*Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, named “Karen” is entirely unfortunate, coincidental, and fictitious. Except for the “calm down now” Karen. My bully kinda looked like her.*