Christmas? More like Suckmas
By: Ji Hun Jacobson
Tags: Opinion, Christmas, Blog, Holidays, Humor

Oh boy (or if you identify as a girl, oh girl), this is gonna be a tough one to sell. Before I rant on about how much I dislike Christmas, nay, how much I hate it, I want to acknowledge the title. It was not meant or planned to be a sexual innuendo of any sort, I literally just swapped out the Christ in Christmas with suck, because I firmly believe Christmas sucks. Sorry for being a party pooper, but I feel like there are bigger party poopers out there, notably one from Wuhan, China… So, no, this is not a blog about getting head on Christmas unfortunately. Anyways, let us get into some of the reasons why I believe Christmas is one big shit show.

Forced joy

The first reason why I am not a huge fanatic for Christmas is because the Christmas “spirit” feels so forced and fake. Perhaps this is just me being intensely cynical, but whenever it is Christmas time, year after year, it just has fake vibes. And I think I know why this is.

It’s gotta do with the big, greedy conglomerate companies. They have literally seized this opportunity of a once a year day to brainwash us to buy a ton of shit and to help promote this fake festive vibe. It sucks, it is bullshit. It is basically a day to make the rich richer, fuck that. Ok, I know I am sounding like a bit of conspiracy nut, with all the down with the rich and fuck capitalism spiel. However, I just really dislike this side of Christmas and the whole corporate greed aspect of it. Like, there’s heaps of people living in poverty who can’t even enjoy Christmas, and us who are fortunate enough to have money and time, are just buying into this forced, manufactured sense of joy and festivities. Also, why do we decide on just one day of the year to be happy and celebrate? Should that not be a priority for everyone to do through out the year? Why pretend? Quite frankly, it is fucked. One more thing — Santa. I got no qualms with him, he just a character children can believe in, just like Jesus. Oooooh, that would piss some people off, oh well. Oh, but what about Christmas being a day about friends and family, and spending time with them? Well, I am so very glad you brought that up.

Friends & Family Day

What a stupid argument. Why do we feel inclined that we need a special day to spend time with family? Should we not be making time for them all year around when possible? That goes the same with friends too. I guess it makes sense that there is a special day, and it is a holiday, but why Christmas? If countries desire a fancy pants, special day for celebrating family and friends, fucking change it then. Christmas is deeply rooted within age old traditions, I get that. And therefore, the tradition of seeing family and close friends over Christmas has become a tradition (at least in the western world it is). Hence, my point. We should move away from this useless tradition and change the name and meaning of Christmas to something else. Must we celebrate the birth of a Jew roughly 2000 years ago, just as an excuse for us to have a holiday? Call it Family Day or Suckmas, anything, I really do not care. Just disassociate from the fakeness and manufactured nature of Christmas as we know it. I am also aware that some people refer to it as Holidays, and say “Happy Holidays” instead. This is a good step in the right direction, but my gripe above in the previous section still remains. I briefly mentioned Jesus here and there, let’s get into that a bit more (for you Christians, do not worry this is not a hit-piece on your precious fairy tale, that will be a later topic for a different blog, *wink*).

Jesus Christ!

Ok, first off Jesus was not actually born on the 25th of December. Go twiddle your thumbs at Google if you don’t believe me. Hence, my first gripe with Christmas that falls under the religious category I guess. Why not just celebrate his birthday on the right day? It’s March or something I think. Then, we can have a holiday for that to actually celebrate his birthday, if you’re into that, and change the name of Christmas as mentioned above. Boom! Problem solved. Plus, more holidays.

Lastly, before I wrap this descent into insanity up, I must mention my disgust at Nativity scenes and just the portrayal of Jesus in general. Why is everyone pale and white as? Seems like the big greedy corporations who design these sets are missing a crucial fact. Mary, Joseph, and Jesus were all in what we now know as the Middle East. Believe or not, people there aren’t Caucasian, instead they have a darker skin complexion. So, if you wanna show off your Nativity scene this Christmas, just remember you’re spreading false news.

This is a reconstruction of what Jesus would have actually looked like.

Therefore, Christmas not being Jesus’s actual birthday and these poorly designed Nativity scenes are another reason why I hate Christmas and why it pisses me off.

No, just no! Why is everyone white and Western looking, c’mon man.

Regardless, that’s this week’s bit of brain food for ya. I know most people will not fuck with my views and opinions expressed here, but fuck it. This tradition has been ongoing for centuries at this point and I know this blog will definitely not change that. But, it is something that I have been itching to get out, especially during this time of the year it felt quite fitting to do so. But remember to enjoy this time with your friends and family because we’ll all inevitably die one day. And on that note, Merry Christmas.