How Letting Go of Expectations Allowed for My Love Story to Blossom
By: Kushal Geesawor
Tags: Self Improvement, Love Lessons, Life Lessons, Love, Vulnerability

How Letting Go of Expectations Allowed for My Love Story to Blossom

There is nothing more vulnerable than to allow oneself to love another. For me, as a teen and young adult, I lived by those words although I will admit to knowing nothing about vulnerability at that time. I loved freely and often. However, most of my love pursuits would often fall short. While they were not without their moments, this led to an ounce of fear mixed in with each romantic venture— I often expected to be let down and more often than not, this became a self-fulfilling prophecy. That is until I decided to throw all caution to the winds and to give my whole heart out without expecting anything back.

I still remember the moment I saw her. It may have been one curated by events way outside of my control or at least that is how it felt based on the preluding moments. That night, I was at the ROM night live — a yearly and eclectic event set up in Royal Ontario Museum where the whole of its 5 floors turn into a night club and a raver’s dream journey into the wonders of history. After hours of running around on a scavenger hunt that took us through the Jurassic era all the way to ancient Rome, I found myself dancing away on the main floor amongst 200 other odd souls — until one of my friends spurted the ludicrous idea of staging an impromptu catwalk on the main DJ’s stage, in front of said souls.

I remember thinking ‘no way in hell would I do that’ — in fact, I may have voiced those words out loud. However, upon seeing five of my friends make their way up, I thought why not — famous last words at times but in this case, akin to giving the ropes of fate onto the universe. The crowds went ballistic and deafening applause rained down upon us — I still remember that moment as one of class, of vulnerability and excitement beyond expectations. I came down the stage in a state of euphoria. Unbeknown to me at the time, my mother and sister, who had accompanied us but of whom I had lost track hours ago, were in front of the stage. For my mother, who had known me as a shy and introverted kid, it was a surprise mixed with glee and astonishment as she recognized her son — I remember this moment fondly as she looked as fangirls would. We hugged and carved this precious moment in our memories. It was at this moment that my eyes befell on a figure moving with the music, with a flow in her moves that just dazzled me. Our eyes met and time froze.

I recognized her as someone who has stood out to me before. Somehow though, to see her dance, to meet her gaze and feel a glimpse of the depth of her soul took my breath away. I may not have fully recognized it then but this was the moment I fell head over heels. From then on, there was only one path forward. We connected and met several times over the course of the next month. We were both into dance, spirituality, community, self-improvement, and living a full life. We bonded quickly and I knew that I would soon bring up how I felt. I must say that at this point, that in my history, this was the ‘do or die’ moment which more often than not ended in disappointment. This time, however, I wanted to do things differently.

I sought out some advice from a dear friend who suggested I re-look at all my past relationships and my patterns for I could only change what would be through understanding what was. This led to two realizations; first, I would not always set myself up as a romantic candidate and would often blurt of my feelings too soon; second, we all fall in love at different paces — for me, it tended to be relatively quick but for others, including her, it could take much longer. So this time, I opted to wait. About two months later after many mindful and dance events, on a night at a restaurant, I opted to finally share my feelings. This was lesson three — it is often easier to ease into such conversations once the topic of a date has been brought up. As things turned out, although I did not hear a ‘no’ that night, I was left with an ambiguous answer of ‘I don’t have an answer’. I left that night convinced that this was it and that I would have to move on.

What came next was the most important lesson of all. Although I was not a believer at the time in ‘signs’ from the universe, I had recently heard about an abstract concept of attributing meaning to numbers. The following day, I kept seeing the numbers 999 at different moments. Looking it up, those numbers meant ‘to let go’. How fitting I thought that the universe was telling me to move on. However, I also saw another path — I wondered what would happen if I simply let go of any expectations I had built up and simply cherished the time we spent together. Upon doing so, I found that I delved into an even deeper well of love. I began noticing details I had previously missed and somehow, without any effort of my own, I could feel a change in how our bond was evolving. Our time together slowly became more gentle in nature. We both knew and respected where the other stood. It was not long before I felt the tide change and finally requested a date. This time though, there were no hesitations, no doubts and through a moment of flow, just like that initial gaze where time stopped, I felt the universe pause and she said yes.

It is now almost three winters since and as a couple, we have evolved through more than I could have imagined. However, even today, I still look back to those first few months. To a time, where I decided to pause, to reflect, to allow, and finally to let go. To be vulnerable is commonly looked up to today but often, this means more than to wear one’s heart on one’s sleeve for the world to see. While the latter holds some truths, to be truly vulnerable and create the space for magic requires for one to also let go of any expectations as to what or where such vulnerability may lead to. Be it a matter of hearts, in the case of a relationship or beyond that, I highly encourage you, the reader, to pay mind to any expectation that you may hold, and to what is possible, once you commit to taking the arduous step of letting go.