True Friendship Is Never a Performance
By: Brianna Wiest
Tags: Relationships, Life, Friendship, Personal Development, Self Improvement

Certainly, we’ve all had experiences with less-than-ideal friend groups and soul-shattering rejection. But real friends, lifelong friends, aren’t simply the mainstays of your social circle. True friends move your life forward in formidable and tangible ways.

Here are six ways to know you have a true friend — and how to be one, too.

1. A true friend supports you, and holds you accountable

A true friend supports your goals and ambitions. When you present them with a new idea or a dream for the future, the first words you hear are encouraging. These people instinctively think of ways to make your dreams possible, not reasons why they are impossible. Even if they are honest with you about how difficult something may be, a real friend is a supporter, not a negater.

What’s more, real friends don’t placate. It’s counterintuitive, but your true friends are the ones willing to call you out on your bullshit. This is not the same as stirring up drama or intentionally embarrassing you.

The friend who holds you accountable is the one who privately, and gracefully, points out your patterns, tells you that you deserve better, who reminds you of commitments you didn’t follow through with.

A big part of this is not what’s said, but how it’s said. A true friend will be the one to correct you quietly, but an untrue friend would want everyone to know you were wrong in the first place.

2. You feel happier and energized when you’re around them

Even if you are an introvert, your friends should energize you. If you feel exhausted and frustrated every time you hang out with them, you are not spending your time with the right people. Exhaustion and frustration are signs that you’re tensing up when you’re around them — and that you’re acting as a persona rather than showing up authentically.

When someone tires you out, it may be because you cannot be your real self around them.

A really good tell of someone’s value is whether or not you feel the need to impress them. If you feel a need to impress someone, it may be because they’re trying to get you to earn your place in their lives. They may be the type of person who evaluates people, and relationships, based on what they can contribute to their overall status or appearance.

You will probably notice that you don’t think much about how to impress your true friends. It’s you both against the world — not you against them.

3. They accept you as you are

If they were to show up at your house when you’re wearing your ratty robe and haven’t tidied in ages, you would be happy to welcome them in.

Though you’d prefer to be put-together, there’s no “putting on a show” with them. You are not trying to convince them that you are something, or someone, you are not.

Similar to not being worried about everything seeming perfect, with a true friend, you don’t have to self-monitor as much as you might with someone else. You feel comfortable allowing yourself to relax and be honest. Even if you say something you don’t quite mean, you know your true friend will understand you, or at the very least give you an opportunity to clarify.

The more you have to self-edit, the less authentic your connection is.

4. You‘re not afraid to be honest with them

A true friend is someone you’re able to be open and honest with—even when it comes to the tough stuff. If you disagree with something they’ve said, you can share it at that moment and then be done with it.

When you cannot do that, it’s because you assume one rift might end your relationship, and so you don’t bring it up. That’s not true friendship.

In an authentic relationship, you express your emotions and resolve your issues in real time. If you don’t, you’ll end up with a lot of passive aggression, tension, and picked fights over insignificant things that are not actually the problem. Long story short, your relationship gets less healthy the less open you can be.

5. You aren’t trying to compete with them

Sure, a bit of healthy competition isn’t bad, and it’s totally normal to have a sense of envy every now and again. However, something that differentiates real friendships from the rest is that you’re not actively and consistently trying to compete with, or one-up, each other.

True friends can see one another’s strengths and weaknesses honestly, and they value them in each other. It’s not about who is better than who, it’s about seeing each person for the individual they are and honoring and appreciating those parts of them.

A friend you always want to be better than is a friend you already think might be beneath you.

6. They show up for you

Especially right now, it’s not always possible to see the people you love most. And if we’re being honest, it’s not always realistic to keep in touch every day. With a true friend, that doesn’t matter.

No matter where you are in the world or how long it’s been since you’ve been able to see one another, you know that person cares about you, and they know you care about them. That’s all that matters.

Words and sentiments are nice, but the truth is that the real measure of friendship is who shows up for you and when. A real friend puts aside almost anything in front of them to show up when you really need it—whatever form that “showing up” takes.

After all, it’s people’s actions that reveal their true intents.