Abuse
By: Rana Sharara-Chami
Tags: Travel, New Beginnings, Doctors, Abuse, Relationships

I always knew I wanted to be with you…I was young, and, in my mind, not good enough for you. So, I went away to grow, learn and bring you wonders because I had big dreams for us…

When I was away from you, I longed for your warmth, generosity and beauty. I felt incomplete, not quite in my skin, as if a piece of me were missing. Finally, after a decade, when I couldn’t take the longing anymore, I took a leap of faith and threw myself into your arms. I didn’t care about the warnings from my friends (of course, they were jealous!), about your troubled past, people you hurt before and about the mood swings… I was oh so in love and, like a fool, I thought you changed…

The honeymoon lasted few years: we enjoyed freedom like birds recently let out of a cage, we travelled around the world and never missed an opportunity to hop on a plane. You were just perfectly positioned for that… We got flooded with loving relationships all around us. Together, we took care of so many healthy and sick children and we embraced life with smiles and anticipation, and we lived every day as if it were our last: we danced, we partied, we laughed, we kissed…

It was too good to be true… the bubble burst to reveal an ugly truth. That’s when the abusive relationship surfaced: You pushed me, I fell… you chocked me, I suffocated…you kicked me, I bruised… but I picked myself up and soldiered on. No matter how much I gave, you just took… our time together was suddenly not as rosy as it used to be; you were not generous anymore, despite all the efforts. You were not fun. Last year, you started to beat me; you even took me to court, claiming I was wrongful and hurtful, while all I meant was care… but I was so in love with you, that I didn’t think of leaving; I dismissed the pain and only longed for the few good moments: When we go on a run, when we go to the beach, when we ski down a mountain, when we eat and laugh with friends, when we hug family and especially, when we heal children… I began to accept your beatings almost every day, but I loved you so much that, whatever little you offered was worth it. Staying with you was priceless because you fulfilled my soul, and you made my heart smile.

But abusive relationships are unhealthy relationships. The abused becomes so addicted to the little love and affection they get, that they keep finding excuses to justify their inaction, and their decision-making ability becomes impaired. They are broken and can’t think straight. They are scared… They are scared until they are scared no more. Until they decide to stand up for their abuser, break the chains, and just walk away looking for another love, a more stable home and a relationship with no ups and downs; a relationship maybe with less excitement but also less pain…

Lebanon: you are my lover and my abuser. I decided to leave you for now so that we can both heal. If we are meant to be together till the end of times, and if you change -as foolish as this may sound-, you’ll then find me walking into your arms again.

Until that day, I will not seek another love because you will always be my first and my last…