When Cats Are Jerks
By: Nancy Parish
Tags: Cats, Pets, Life Lessons, Humor, Life

When Cats Are Jerks

How my blind kitten learned to use the function keys

Photo by Marko Blažević on Unsplash

My computer piques my cats’ curiosity to the point that they are out to destroy it. That may be a little harsh. It stands between them and their quest for human affection. Maybe they’re just being jerks. It’s hard to tell. Anyway, my cats’ fascination with this device seems to be infinite.

A few days ago, my blind kitten, Scout, walked across my laptop keyboard and changed the google font size to a tiny 4pt font. Fifteen minutes later I was still trying to change it back. I eventually called my brother and we fixed it.

How did little Scout achieve this feat? Turns out, she simultaneously held down the CTRL key and stepped on the (-) key while I was on Google. She paused there long enough to reduce the font from 12pt. to 4pt. She’s blind, so who knows how she managed it. By clicking on the magnifying glass icon on the right side of the Google search window, I changed it back. Something to keep in mind if your cat walks across your keyboard.

This was not the first time Scout’s changed things on my laptop. On more than one occasion, she’s sat on the keyboard and deleted a paragraph. She’s also added several meaningless characters to the page. I’ve even watched as she reached her paw over to turn on the Caps Lock button. I’m still trying to decide if she does that intentionally. Ctrl Z has become my best friend. I’ve been able to restore the original text — so no harm, no foul. Scout also makes unsolicited attacks on my computer mouse, usually when my hand is on it. I have the scratches to prove it.

I often wonder if she does these things to get my attention, or if she’s just being a jerk. I like to chalk up these little missteps to her innate kitten curiosity, and not potentially jerky behavior, but it’s hard to tell.

Scout’s not the only cat I’ve known that’s messed with my computer. My cat, Bailey, once ran across my keyboard and changed the language settings to Spanish. That little jaunt across the keyboard took forever to change back. I also lost two keyboards, and several computer mice to her chewing habit. Finally, I switched to an optical mouse and wrapped my power cords in plastic tubing.

My cat, Lucky, fancied himself a Newtonian Physicist. He conducted daily experiments proving the law of gravity. There wasn’t a cup or a glass that Lucky’s furry paw didn’t touch. With one swift motion, the glass plummeted to the ground, proving Newton’s theory yet again. My carpet has yet to recover.

My cats also show total disregard for my sleeping habits. They’ve scheduled a standing game of tag that commences the second I go to bed. Little cat paws don’t move across the carpet like fog moving in on a cold autumn night. They gallop across the floor like a herd of buffalo moving across a deserted prairie. It wakes me up and often makes me wonder what my downstairs neighbor thinks is happening.

After working up quite an appetite playing tag half the night, my cats wake me the next morning at 5:30 am, wanting breakfast. Inevitably, I can’t get back to sleep after I feed them, so I end up staying awake. They, however, take the first of many naps of the day. This nap is followed by their pre-lunch siesta, followed by their afternoon snooze, not to be confused with their after-dinner nap. You get my point. While I’m working to give them a better life, they nap hard. It’s a really good thing they’re cute.

I would be lying if I didn’t say that my cats’ jerky behavior is amusing. It’s even funnier when that behavior is turned on each other. One cat, Nicky, would goose her brother, Murphy, as he walked by. He’d tackle her to the floor. A full-fletched wrestling match ensued, which ended when one of them finally scampered away.

One thing I know from my time spent with cats, the time is never wasted. They bring a smile to my face. Even though they can be jerks, they are adorable when they do it. They get away with things we, humans never could. They’ve made this pandemic tolerable and make me laugh every day.