The Shadow Side Of Empathy
By: Anna Tryc
Tags: Psychology, Empathy, Non Violent Communication, Self-awareness, Self Improvement

When Empathy Goes Wrong And What You Can Do About It

Photo by Comfreak on Pixabay

Introduction

Putting others first is often seen as an act of altruism; I was always doing it naturally.

I believed I was supposed to be there for my friends and listen to them at all times: “Who else would understand them so well, if not me?” I thought.

I can’t count how many times I would’ve put my things aside to help a friend in need. I thought it was the right thing to do.

In my mind, I was like an opposition to the parasitic narcissists.

However, in the process of my self-growth, things began to change. I noticed most of my values and dreams contradicted with what others expected from me. I had my stuff going on, so I wasn’t so available. More than that, I didn’t want to contribute to some of these friendships anymore.

I started thinking that my empathy wasn’t always such a good advisor. I noticed I felt a lot of exhaustion and resentment.

But I wouldn’t know why, until later, when I realised that I was using my empathy in the wrong way.

What’s The Shadow Side To Empathy?

Empathy is the capacity to sense and understand others’ people’s emotions. Feeling into others makes you more accepting, patient and less judging. Knowing how others feel makes you a better partner, parent and co-worker. It sounds like a great skill to have.

But to have empathy is not enough. The true skill is in knowing how to use it, so it benefits you and others. Because yes, you can hurt yourself and others with your empathy!

What are the most common empathy traps?

You waste your life for their drama

If you are a kind of person who is constantly bored or even withdrawn, you have nothing going on in your life — you might find yourself interested in others’ people’s lives too much.

People who create dramas come to talk to you, and you’re always available for them.

You genuinely feel bad for others, but admit this; there is something addictive about those dramas.

The problem is, you’re still left off with emotional baggage that’s not even yours. The fact that you’ve already invested emotionally in someone’s problems makes you want to know more. You waste your life for advice-giving, instead of making a name for yourself.

You let them manipulate you

The worst is when the drama revolves around you; Do you have someone in your life that always makes you feel guilty?

If you have too much empathy for others, you may end up in a situation where people constantly manipulate you.

You understand them when they tell you off: “I needed you and you weren’t there”. You always take people’s emotions into account.

But if you believe you are also responsible for them, you have a higher chance to end up in a toxic relationship.

You are drained

Do you want to save the world? Or maybe you want to save someone specific?

Some people are so selfless they would do anything in their power to help. But even helping must be done smartly.

Say, you have this friend complaining about her relationship. You gave her advice and a shoulder to cry on, but she keeps repeating the same actions. And then she comes back to you. You don’t know what else to do, but your empathy won’t let you draw the line.

Most people don’t want your advice; they want you to feed their ego while making the same mistakes over and over.

And it leaves you exhausted and resentful.

You keep them in a bad place

When it comes to the ego, you might not be that innocent either. Giving advice or helping makes you feel better about yourself. You may think you know what people should do. You want to be the hero.

The problem is, your advice is usually biased: it’s based on what you know and may have nothing to do with your friend’s reality.

Advice or relieving somebody from their responsibilities (it often takes place with parents and their children!) cuts the actual empathy and understanding what’s best for the other person.

You’re getting addicted to feeling like a good guy, and you may subconsciously keep people in a victim mentality just to flatter your ego from time to time.

There’s no balance

The basic truth about any relationship is that it needs equal giving and taking;

Every time you over-use your empathy, you disturb this balance.

Some people never feel good enough; they believe there’s something they must do to deserve love. Their empathy is masking them feeling unworthy. As an effect, they are inauthentic, so their relationships can’t be satisfying too.

Why Do We Fall Into Those Traps?

When I look back at my life, I see I used to fall in most of these traps (maybe even all of them?).

I was an Empath, that for sure. I wanted to help, yes. But I was also finding myself bitter and judgemental way too often. I’m afraid many of my friendships weren’t as authentic as I would’ve wanted them to be.

To make something clear: I don’t think empathy is the bad guy.

The real deal is how our beliefs influence the way we think of empathy. And our beliefs are often biased.

You don’t accept difficult emotions

Maybe you were raised to believe there is something unacceptable about feeling sad or angry. Now, you find yourself in a lot of distress when facing these emotions; as an Empath, you may sense these feelings in others, but because, subconsciously, you believe they’re wrong, so you want to help people get rid of them.

What you forget is that you are the one who has a problem with acceptance!

But I don’t blame you. I know I’ve been there.

Most people think there’s something wrong with being angry or depressed; we fall into the trap of thinking emotions are the problem to solve, when all you need is to be present with them.

You are over-responsible

Do you feel responsible for making other people happy? Or maybe you always make sure you don’t burden anyone with your problems?

If that’s the case, you may have had experienced parentification in your childhood-the weight of your caregiver’s emotions was placed on you;

children are naturally loyal to their parents, and they genuinely believe they can act just a little bit better to make their parents happy.

With these dynamics, it’s usually hard for the child to develop a strong sense of self and healthy boundaries.

Being an empath feels exactly like that: “when they feel bad, I feel bad”. That’s why it’s so hard for you to fight over-responsibility.

You lack awareness

Did you know that empathy is selective? We tend to empathise with people who are like us.

It’s not surprising: it’s easier to imagine a situation that feels familiar to you. However, our empathy can shut down for certain groups of people and lead us to wrong judgement.

What’s The Solution? About Nonviolent Communication

I know I used to struggle with boundaries and over-empathy.

Sometimes I would dare myself to take it out on somebody. But it would never bring me peace; on the contrary, it would leave me with feeling bitter and even more separated from the other person.

Some people never took me expressing boundaries very well. They would find ways to cross the line and keep going on with their dramas.

But the fact that empathy can go wrong wasn’t enough reason for me to resign from it.

Generally, I enjoy connecting with people through my empathy.

That’s why I wanted to find a solution that would help me express myself with compassion, but at the same time, respect my limits.

Nonviolent Communication

Some time ago, I stumbled upon the concept of Nonviolent Communication.

Video by Happiness com on Youtube

NVC resonates with me on a few levels:

It states that people who act out don’t know better ways to express their unmet needs.

In NVC, there is an assumption people are generally good; if they act out, it’s due to their unmet needs.

We all possess basic human needs, but some of us believe it’s not ok to meet them directly. If people understood that having needs is fine, they wouldn’t want to use manipulation or aggression to get what they want.

It understands empathy as a way of being completely present with someone going through an emotional experience.

Empathy doesn’t require any special action, advice or explanation;

It’s simply about being fully present with someone. In this understanding, emotions are indicators of needs present in the other person at the moment. This idea of empathy encourages us to connect with another person, but don’t force us to take responsibility for it;

After all, most people want to feel heard instead of getting random life advice.

Marshal Rosenberg believed everybody is capable of this kind of empathy.

It advises self-empathy and gentle self-expression.

NVC also values your own emotions and needs. Understanding yourself is the key: you can’t have empathy for others if you don’t know how to take care of yourself.

Dialling yourself down is not the case with this method. You have all the right to express how you feel, and with NVC, you can do it gently, without aggression. You set boundaries healthily and avoid escalating conflicts.

If you wish to train your self-empathy skills, please take a look at this video:

Video by Cup of Empathy on Youtube

It advises using the “language of life”.

This premise is strictly connected to the idea that language shapes our reality. Every time we judge, generalise, demand or compare — we hand responsibility to other people (when it takes two to the tango).

So what’s the better way to express yourself?

Let me introduce you to the four components of NVC:

1) Observation — telling what you see without evaluation.

2) Feelings — expressing pure emotion or feeling without story added to it.

3) Needs — revealing your need.

4) Request — asking for certain action without demanding it.

Typical structure for NVC would be:

When you do (1-observation), I feel (2-feelings), because I need/need (3-needs). I would like you to do (4-request)?

If you like the concept, please read more on practising NVC here.

Final thoughts on NVC

NVC is not just a method, but it’s an attitude for life. If you think you can use NVC to make people do what you want, you don’t understand this approach correctly.

The purpose of using NVC is not tricking people into doing what we want. On the contrary, it’s about the authentic empathy and trust that our loved ones care about us just as we care about them.

Of course, you can use NVC with everyone. NVC certainly helps you decrease tension in some conflicting situations.

Most people will be shocked — that’s how we got used to the microaggression in everyday life.

Some people will appreciate your empathy, but many won’t give it back to you. Be ready for it.

Conclusion

If you’re an Empath and value genuine connection with others, NVC may be just what you need. It’s a great direction if you struggle with over-empathy.

But even with NVC, we still remember that we don’t live in a fairytale world.

Some people will still try to use you for your kindness to their advantage.

I know as Empaths we think we need to save the world, but we don’t. Some people never learn until you show them a way to door.

I know it can make you feel like a bad person, but it’s the best you can do for them!

If you learn how to let people go — this is when you gain your power back. From this very moment, your relationships won’t be based on guilt anymore, but rather on the true connection. And this is what I wish for you!