To my ex-friend
Tags: Struggle, Growth Mindset, Twenties, Youth, Friendship

A year ago, I felt like I could tell you everything. You were going to be a part of my life for a very long time. You were always there for me, and I was always there for you.

But it has been months since we last talked. And obviously, a big part of it is because of me. We have been friends for so long. We got closer in my Sophomore year of high school and stuck to each other like glue during college. You were genuinely one of the nicest friends I ever had. My other friends acknowledged that. I knew that.

Every event, every party I planned, I wanted you to be a part of it. It was better if we did things together. You loved being a part of bigger things. You loved being with different people and I appreciated that side of you. I am a little on the shy side, but you were so open to people. It was inviting and warm. I felt more confident when I was next to you. Because you made people feel comfortable. That’s why it was so easy introducing you to my college friends. They always liked you.

As a best friend, I didn’t want you to feel sad about anything at all. I remember hours and hours of our conversation of us just talking about what we could be. And what we will be. I always said don’t worry about what other people think of you. Everyone is at their own pace in life, you are doing so well. I remember watching a video that comforted me, and me thinking I should share it with you. We helped each other out in that way. I remember you called me with good news while I was studying for finals in the library. I just remember me being on the phone with you for two hours after that, my book left unopened on the desk.

Let’s be honest. The coronavirus definitely exacerbated the intensity of our fight. But the issues stored in the closet was definitely rotting away for some time. And the smell got intensely stronger. The real downfall to our friendship was that I wasn’t innately aware of the smell in the closet, only you were. Was it my ignorance that made this worse? Or your inability to thoroughly communicate how you feel? This had been going on for way longer than I ever could have imagined. That’s why I was taken by surprise when you texted me that long bombshell of a paragraph.

And to this day, I’m not sure you quite understand how hurt I felt when I realized how little you think of me. Little meaning you didn’t think of me as someone with good intentions but as someone who is selfish and unreasonable. That you didn’t consider talking to me in person or over the phone if you had any issue with me. You responded it was because you didn’t want to deal with how I react. But then we always talk about how much communication is crucial in a friendship.

Was attacking my character over text the best way you could’ve handled this situation? How did you expect me to react when you made accusatory remarks over text if you felt like I would be unreasonable? It didn’t make any sense.

The worst part wasn’t how you talked about how you felt about me. It was when you eventually used the words I told you in confidence against me. Stories that I only told you because I was struggling. My personal stories backed with trauma and hurt that I refuse to tell anyone else. You said I use my stories to make it about me and to talk over you as well as to downplay your struggles. It was honestly so awful listening to you say those words. That you thought my intentions were only to hurt you and inconvenience you. When those words I said to you were hard to say without crying. That I couldn’t imagine saying those words to anyone else because I don’t trust anyone, but I trust you that much. This is why I genuinely thought you were just saying these things to push me away, to end our friendship. I felt afraid at that moment because I thought I was losing someone so close to me. So it stung a lot when you bounced back immediately and tried to be friends like we were before almost the next day. Did you even remember anything you said the previous day? Even if we “made up,” how can you act as if nothing has happened?

Based on your reaction, I feel like maybe you haven’t emotionally matured yet and you didn’t know how seriously your words affected me. After our fight, I had to reflect and think about how I needed to more mindful of what I say. That I no longer needed to be in this mindset that being more open and honest equates to oversharing. It’s wrong. (To readers, I wouldn’t recommend doing it)

I closed myself off because I didn’t want the things I say out of confidence to be used against me. It really sucked being so vulnerable and then shot down after you are already hit.

But I’ll open up eventually.

Anyway, I always thought you couldn’t compare struggles. Everyone’s life is so innately different, how can you compare yourself to anyone? If you start, it’ll never end. There is always someone better off or worse off than you. There is someone who has it worse or better than you. But the human experience is flawed, and people inevitably compare, especially with those around them. So, even if I didn’t mean to undermine someone else’s feelings when I complain about my own life, I realized it may seem like that to them. I realized that I should’ve shut my mouth when it came to complaining about work in front of you.

But more importantly, I needed to focus less on negative aspects of my life, and shift my way of thinking. I needed to love myself more. I needed to stop using unhappy words, negative words. And replace complaining with words of gratitude.

Honestly, it’s just a waste of breath complaining. Even if it’s hard, I try to be thankful.

I wanted to remind you that everyone expresses struggle differently. And everyone struggles differently. I express mine by talking to my friends, writing it down, listening to sad ballads, and making videos about it. But other people express their struggles in a myriad of ways. Through music, painting, exercise, work, and more. Some people feel comfortable sharing only certain aspects of their struggles. I think that sometimes you believe you know who I am because you know more about me than most people. But I only share the struggles I feel comfortable sharing with you. And I assume everyone else is too.

So what’s my conclusion? I’m actually glad it happened. I grew a lot from it, and with it came this emotional maturity that I haven’t had before. My mindset about life has changed a lot. And I shifted my energy from my negative feelings towards you to something positive in my life. And it’s a slow start, but I am working hard every day to grow into the kind of person that I’ve been dreaming to become — happy, confident, and self-assured. I’ve been seeing really good results and I can safely say that I am proud of myself. I’m six months in, and I have not given up.

As I said, this wasn’t a surface level fight. I think there were a lot of deep-rooted issues between us. Not only that, but there were also a lot of personal issues we individually each had that inadvertently spilled over into our relationship because we were so close. I’m not going to try to guess what you were going through at that time. But I am aware that you were probably going through a lot in your life too. Our lives aren’t perfect, I know. At our lonely age of being 23, we can’t help but feel insecure and our self-esteem is shot to an all-time low. It’s confusing because some many of our peers are at such different points in their lives, it may feel like we are falling behind when we really are not. Let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt.

In addition to our fight, a lot has happened this year that made me grow up faster. I’m not going to go into details but life —damn, when shit hits you, it hits you hard. But everything else seems smooth sailing as a result. It’s like once you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere to go but up. And sweetie, I’m going up.

My other friend said that she believes our friendship will eventually patch up. I think it will too. It just wouldn’t be the same as before, but that’s what we wanted, right? Do I feel like I can tell you anything and everything? No. Will we be close friends like before? No.

It’s a bit naive of me to assume that we won’t outgrow each other. That’s totally normal and okay. I’ve changed so much in these past few months, it’s hard to keep up with myself. How can I expect people around me to do the same? But I want you to know I’ll cheer you on as always for your happiness and success in the background. And I hope you’ll do the same for me.