Please Cancel Good Omens as Jon Hamm is Way Too Hung to Play an Angel
By: Heidi Lux
Tags: Amazon, Good Omens, TV, Blasphemy, Jon Hamm

Please Cancel Good Omens as Jon Hamm is Way Too Hung to Play an Angel

So much blasphemy resting against the fly of those pants.

Dear Hulu,

Please cancel your blasphemous show Good Omens. The portrayal of angels in the show is egregiously sinful, specifically that the angel Gabriel is portrayed by an actor with known massive genitalia. I am offended to see Christianity presented in such a way, specifically the hung angel.

It has long been widely known that Jon Hamm is packing in his pants. A man of such unholy girth should never play something as divine as an angel. The beast should refer to the devil — not the beast in Jon Hamm’s pants.

I have been following Mr. Hamm since I first heard of his larger than average genitalia. My interest in Mr. Hamm’s penis is purely religious. As someone who has taken it upon themselves to uphold standards of morality, it is my duty to keep an eye on his penis.

This show mocks God’s most divine creations, the angels. Angels do not have genitalia that would require a Magnum condom should they fornicate, nor do they have genitalia at all. As a good Christian, I have long thought about what sort of reproductive organs the angels would have, and I have come to the conclusion that they have no genitalia whatsoever. If you were to take down the pants of an angel, you would find they are as smooth as the pages of the Bible.

When I picture Jon Hamm’s penis on an angel, I cannot help but think the image I play in my head over and over again is the work of the devil. I have been able to think of nothing else since I became aware of the attempts of Mr. Hamm’s penis to portray an angel’s penis.

I would have hoped that Good Omens would have chosen to show us what each and every angel has inside their pants, to prove that God, in His infinite wisdom, created his most perfect creatures to be completely sexless, much like they did in the movie Dogma. I have many problems with Dogma, but the angel genitalia is not one of them.

Now THIS is what angel genitalia should look like!

If you do not think Mr. Hamm’s massive member is not a problem as it stays safely in his pants during the show, I implore you to think again. If you pause episode six (the devil’s number) at moment 34:27, you can clearly see the outline of his member, and yes, it is as large as the rumors purport. It frightens me to know the only thing separating his enlarged genitalia and the children of America is the thin fabric of a smartly cut suit.

I want to say I can’t imagine what would happen if he got an erection while portraying a holy angel, but the truth of the matter is that I have. The apocalypse as shown in Good Omens (which I have no problem with) is nothing compared to the raw power of Mr. Hamm’s penis should it ever reach a state of arousal. I am shuddering at the thought just writing about it.

Again, my interest in Jon Hamm’s penis is purely religious.

By having an actor with enlarged genitalia playing an angel, this show presents enlarged genitalia as something holy, endorsed by God. It is not. However, if you must insist upon this casting, at least have the decency to show said angel genitalia so we may all be aware of how clearly wrong it is.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Mary Agnes Flanagan