Mothers & Daughters & Sisters oh my!
By: Siya Kumar
Tags: Rape Culture, Feminism, Human Rights, Rape Victims, Sexual Assault

When a crime against a woman occurs, the media strips her of her autonomy. She is no longer an individual; she becomes a symbol. Her metamorphosis becomes front-page news, a teenager out with friends, a middle-aged woman coming back from work, jane doe transforms into a nation’s daughter. As women, we must relate, we must belong, the narrative must always begin and end with who we are according to men because women without men are unfathomable. They are without borders, making them a threat. And how do we protect our daughters? By restricting them for their safety. God forbid they venture out at night. God forbid they are left unsupervised, sirens luring men into the depths of their nature, unaware of their power.

Mustn’t we know better? Men cannot be held accountable for instincts beyond their control. Shouldn’t we always be a step ahead? Planning every move per how not to tempt them. It’s the least we can do. Father-less women, husband-less women, rogue women, asking for it. We’ve been taught how to comply since birth. Whenever I fought with my brother, ma would often warn me,‘’ don’t instigate him.’’ ‘’ I can’t hold him responsible if you push him in that direction.’’ Men without women are boundless, but women without men are a fire hazard, a danger to themselves and everyone around them. Like a contagion, they must contain us.

A woman whose son raped a young girl begged the judge to absolve him of his crimes because she promised that the rapist would marry the victim, restoring her of her ‘’honor.’’ In a country like India, sexual assault is more so about a woman’s integrity, than it is a violation, an act of violence, a dehumanization, a taking away of one’s power. In being viewed as such, isn’t it expected that the mother of the rapist would see marriage as a fitting solution to the problem at hand? Because once a wife, a rapist is no longer a rapist, but a husband claiming his right.

Boys will be boys, and girls should know better. Don’t draw any attention to yourself. Hold your breath as long as you can because your existence is enough to sound off alarms. Throughout history, fear has been a form of control. And this is how we control; we instill fear in the victim and not the perpetrator. We cage the victim while the violator roams free. We are part of a system that points fingers at the victim and calls it justice. She was out alone at night; her legs were visible, they were friends, she led him on, she was drinking, she laughed at his jokes, she froze, she didn’t run fast enough, she didn’t fight back, she didn’t say no. The list of rules on how we should and shouldn’t behave to avoid getting raped is endless.

Meanwhile, what do we teach our sons? What are the restrictions set on them? What rules must they follow to not rape? have we even taught them the meaning of consent? These are the questions we avoid answering. We believe in the principle of cause and effect. The effect being rape and the cause being sexuality. Do we categorize the rape of a five-year-old in the same way? She was sexual, and she enticed him. Rape is not a crime of passion. It is an act of violence, of control.

When someone is murdered, do we say that the victim was asking for it? They enticed the killer to draw the knife or pull the trigger. They should have known better. Well, we don’t because it's common sense. Somehow, we lose that sense when it comes to matters of sexual violence as if it’s a Rubik’s cube, something we try to solve while scratching our heads.

A woman’s virtue is not a matter of public debate, it isn’t a political issue, and it is certainly not an invitation for misconduct. A woman’s honor is not tied to her country, not her community, not her family. Fear is an inheritance; it is distilled in our blood from the very beginning. The prospect of freedom is limited if not a pipe dream once your safety is always is in question.