My Unicorn Mug Has Gone Missing
Tags: Office Culture, Unicorns, HR, Satire, Coffee Culture

TO: All Staff

FROM: Robert Carlisle

SUBJECT: Missing Mug — Please return.

Hi all,

I hate to be “that person” who “cares” about “little things”, but the mug I use every day has gone missing. You might recognize it if you see it around the office — it’s the one I always have at my desk and in every meeting. Literally every meeting. It’s white, shaped like a unicorn with a rainbow mane handle and a glittering horn. It has a mischievous look in its eye, but also a look of a parent’s affirmation in its other eye.

The mug used to belong to Terry in the Culture Dept, but when he disappeared after that weird theatre bacchanal, I took it as my own. I fully intended to return it when he came back, but… it’s been months and rumor has it that his grandmother died. I think it’s safe to say that he’s not coming back.

I took a slow walk around the office this morning, thinking that someone popped in over the weekend and used it, but forgot to wash it (in spite of the sign I put up in the kitchen last year). Nothing. And I’m not the type to rifle through people’s property (see the other sign near the main doors about private vs public property — I put that there), so I did my best not to touch anyone’s stuff. That said, sorry if anyone’s desk drawers were left open…It probably wasn’t me.

You know, I can’t help but feel this is retaliatory given my opinions on the direction of the company. Honestly, I thought it was an open forum last week when were encouraged to give our perspective. Especially coming from a creative perspective, I don’t see why my belief that re-building our designs with iridescent stitching that evokes 1980's Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers is so controversial.

Look, my perspective hasn’t changed: unifying our designs to remain consistent across our current and “white label” products will push a national creative conversation, led by us. It will help us grow our new business, as different brand managers will stop and say, “I keep seeing this 1980's Lisa Frank trapper keeper style, who is behind this?” and boom — they’ll make their way to Thatched Denim. I can even see this expanding into full-blown kitty and puppy imagery.

Oh my god.

I just found a piece of the horn under my keyboard. I’ll be speaking with HR immediately — and not that it’s anyone’s business, but this will be the first of my three weekly HR tokens I’ve been given. Any snarky emails or comments about this and you’ll be reserving my number two or three token. YOU try having limited access to a reporting structure meant to protect workers in the workplace. If my lawyer Father thought I’d have a case against this treatment, you know we’d file a lawsuit.

We will find whoever is responsible for this. I promise you.

Have a good day, everyone,

Robert “Bob” Carlisle

Product Design & Imagination

p.s. I seem to have misplaced my keys. Can everyone check their desk drawers in case they fell in while I was searching for the mug?

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