Digital Anger Management (For Hotheads Like Me)
By: Edie Meade
Tags: Self Improvement, Psychology, Internet, Stress, Social Media

It’s better to walk away from the fights you can avoid. And most fights you can avoid, even when it doesn’t feel like it. That’s true in social media and everywhere else.

In fact it’s more true on social media than everywhere else. Arguing on the internet is a bit like shaking your fist at the sky, except it takes three hours to do it and ruins the rest of your day.

You’ve got more important things to do. You’re better than that!

Yet there you are, defending your position against someone who’s challenging you in front of everybody.

I’ve had my share of online knock-down drag-outs over the years, and seen a lot from the sidelines, too. Sometimes it involves strangers, sometimes it’s close friends or family.

I’m not going to tell you to avoid taking somebody on.

I don’t believe in a universal policy of internet pacifism. Freedom of speech ought to be exercised, and that includes the right to express disagreements.

Instead of telling you to button your lip, I want to share a few insights I’ve gained over the years. Most of these lessons came the hard way, by making mistakes, miscommunications, and generally taking things too far online.

1. Recognize there are a lot damaged people out there.

My personal weakness is picking fights with bullies. Going back to grade school, I’ve always been a bit of a bully’s bully, sticking up for my younger brothers or smaller kids. Some fights were worth it. I once got kicked off the bus for hitting a boy in the face when I saw him flipping the ears of a younger child. (I remain unrepentant!)

But at the end of the day, a bully’s bully is still a bully.

After all, bullies have a lot of baggage you know nothing about. And online, there are plenty of strangers sauntering around looking for a fight because they’re bruised and hurting people.

Don’t feed the troll

“Don’t feed the troll” has been rule number one of internet culture since we were mingling on message boards a quarter of a century ago.

We all know this. It’s evident in any popular local newspaper comments section or Facebook page, however, that people still take the bait when a troll shows up to make life miserable.

Ignoring a troll is harder than it sounds. This is especially true when the purpose of their disruptive behavior isn’t clear. Are they just playing around, or are they serious?

Don’t try to diagnose the troll.

Today’s trolls often lack the joyful anarchy of those early discussion board disrupters. Some trolls seem genuinely invested in their insults and inflammatory positions. It’s hard to tell whether someone is simply being provocative or if they actually believe what they say.

Sometimes trolls are just genuinely ugly people. There are a lot of damaged, angry strangers out there with chips on their shoulders.

Here’s something I’ve learned over the years about that troll/hateful stranger distinction:

It doesn’t matter. Unless you’ve got angry strangers mobbing a business page you’re running, it doesn’t matter whether they are trolls or genuinely upset normal people.

If they’re getting into your face in a public forum or on your personal social media account, it makes little difference why they’re doing it. So don’t try to diagnose them. Don’t try to parse their motives. And don’t expect to change their minds.

If you have the power to delete a comment and block the troll, do it. If you feel their comment violates the terms of service of a platform, don’t lose sleep over reporting them. Reporting hate speech can result in a troll losing their megaphone, and that benefits everybody. Hate speech isn’t protected speech.

But don’t be surprised if a site administrator disagrees with what you think constitutes hate speech. Very often, trolls can get away with sexism, racism, homophobia, and other forms of bigotry right out in the open.

They can also get away with threats that escalate right up to “I’d shoot you in the face if you lived in my town.” How do I know? I’ve experienced it. So beware the illusion that social media is “a place for friends.” Below the surface, it can be a Wild West where the laws are meaningless without a sheriff.

Don’t become the troll.

“We have met the enemy, and he is us.” In any extended online argument, there’s an inflection point where the protagonist and antagonist resemble one another.

Outside observers are reading your flame war. They’re not seeing one person taking something too far. They’re seeing two people taking it too far.

If you don’t know when to quit, you will lose people who might otherwise be sympathetic. We’ve all seen this from the outside. Don’t become the very thing you hate.

2. Always argue to convince others.

So you’re in a fight on social media. You believe in your position. Your opponent is patently wrong, spewing lies, and personally attacking you.

You can win and still lose, even if your argument is watertight, if you’re not fighting to convince the lurkers.

In most public debates, rules stipulate that candidates may not directly address one another in their remarks. Instead, candidates joust with one another indirectly by referring to their rivals’ positions in their own statements.

Even with this rule in place, plenty of mud gets slung. But when candidates depart from the rule, the rivalries can swiftly descend into name-calling, interrupting, and even yelling or aggressive body language like lunging toward one another on the stage. It’s an embarrassing spectacle.

Fight for the crowd.

The way skilled debaters win is by winning public support for their positions. They speak to the audience. The metric for success in public discourse is conversion.

When you argue with someone online, write in a way that makes your message compelling for anyone else reading. Write in a humane way, never going for a low blow, even when your opponent is doing it.

Make points in a way that acknowledge what your antagonist has said, and build them into a case in your favor. But always keep your attention turned outward.

Imagine how a persuasive lawyer would craft closing arguments: she would address the jury, not the opposing legal team.

3. Focus on the big picture.

Don’t take a strawman bait.

Strawman arguments get thrown around a lot by both experienced and novice debaters. A strawman is a logical fallacy: your opponent misrepresents your argument, then demolishes it. They’re raising their gloves in victory when you’re not even down for the count.

It’s infuriating and dishonest. You can point it out, rephrasing your argument, and explain why the false representation is convenient for your opponent. Or you can ignore it and assume that anyone else reading your exchange will recognize the strawman for what it is.

Don’t get down in the dirt.

You’ll run into people who don’t know the first thing about constructing an argument but who want to get down and dirty when they’re challenged. They call you names and attack your character.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen someone accuse me of being “un-American” for being anti-war. Or “evil” for being pro-choice — “You support killing babies.” (Socialist, too? I’d count the ways I’ve been attacked, but it would take all day. When this comes under attack I like to point out that Albert Einstein wrote eloquently about why he supported socialism.)

The Latin word Ad hominem means “against the man,” and that’s the low-blow tactic being deployed in this situation. The worst part about an ad hominem attack is that it can be blatantly low-blow and still be effective. Its point is to bias the public.

In my experience, the best thing to do is maintain thick skin. You don’t have to “turn the other cheek” to let them slap that side, too, but it certainly makes a strong impression if you manage your outrage in circumstances where it is entirely justified. If you keep your head up and take a dignified approach, it ultimately makes your antagonist look worse.

Ignore subtle provocations, too.

Some people will antagonize you with their word choices, punctuation, even formatting. The “wall of text” can look like a hostile rant, to say nothing of caps-lock words or excessive italics. This is more common when they’re losing an argument.

The formatting choices may be inadvertent — many times they are deliberate. Your challenger may use punctuation or other syntax oddities to be passive-aggressive. If you point it out, they will deny doing it on purpose. They’ll act like you’re crazy.

Here’s something I have learned about this form of grammatical gaslighting:

It’s nearly impossible to win either an argument or an audience by calling out your antagonist on the way they write. Plausible deniability is always on their side, and the more you try to parse their wording, the more irrational you will look.

Take the high road.

Instead of calling out an opponent on all their bad manners, demonstrate proper online etiquette in your own responses. The difference will be clear to anyone else reading.

Keep a laser-like focus on what you hope to accomplish in your dispute. Ask yourself this again and again: What point are you arguing? Why is it important?

If you can’t answer those questions, you’ve lost the plot.

Even if you didn’t start the argument, you’re hardly in a better position than your antagonist. Your disagreement is just bickering, and you should walk away.

Here’s one way to end an argument that I’ve found infuriates trolls while making you look good to everyone else:

Tell them you’re letting them have the last word. Say, with more sorrow than anger, that the argument is no longer constructive. But add that you urge them to think about the points you’ve raised. And if they would like to reach out privately to talk some more, you’re always there.

All that kindness is like a corkscrew in the ear for people who don’t actually want to have an honest discussion.

4. Online fights have offline consequences.

Online fights can be serious business. Even when it’s just social media bickering, disputes can get really dirty.

They can spill over into our offline lives in the form of sleepless nights, stress, and lost productive time. It’s all too easy to throw away hours in an argument that could have been avoided altogether.

Maybe you know your antagonist offline. Maybe you already know of their differences. Recognize that putting any disagreement in writing is an escalation.

Heated arguments can result in doxxing. Doxxing — the release of your home and work address and other private information — can result in the exposure of you and your family to harassment or violence.

If someone doxxes you, the very first thing you should do is document it. Take screenshots, download the page, and report it to the site where it is posted. Doxxing violates most social media and website terms of services — not that reporting it will necessarily prompt a site to take action as they should. Depending on how much of your information has been exposed and how sensitive it is, you should alert family, supportive friends, and contact the police.