fabiochiu/medium-articles huggingface dataset:
Jacob Rees Mogg takes on UNICEF
By: Jasper O'Lovely
Tags: British, Equality, Politics, Humour, Healthcare

In yet another sorry affair in the world of British politics, the processes of which leave any reasonable, sane minded person perplexed and shaking their heads with disgust, the news today that a senior Tory had gone to war with a branch of the United Nations for the apparent crime of pledging to support and feed children that the current British administration have allowed to go hungry.

Jacob Rees Mogg, the Leader of the House of Commons (For those of you that live outside of Britain, this title means apparently nothing really anymore — only that you get to pontificate with absurd and increasingly irrational arguments) accused UNICEF of “playing politics” and called their pledge to provide food support to millions of the poorest children in the U.K over the Christmas period a “political stunt of the lowest order.”

Rees Mogg, who co-founded a hedge fund business and so is unlikely to be short of a few bob, declared that UNICEF “should be ashamed of themselves.” Which is pretty rich considering it is his government's food poverty mess that UNICEF is attempting to help control. You’d think as a man whose (unfunny) gimmick is being excessively old fashioned, you’d think he’d be well acquainted with Dickensian levels of poverty.
My 3 Favourite Gadgets
By: Liam Ireland
Tags: Gadgets, Writing, Short Stories And Poems, Humour, Technology Hits

My 3 Favourite Gadgets

Image by Pixabay

I'm not the sort of person who is into gadgets just for the sake of having the latest piece of digital trickery. I'm only interested in the ones that make my life better.

Number one has to be the re-chargarble, portable modem my wife bought for me in Japan. It is smaller than a smart phone, which means you can take it anywhere you like and not have to worry about looking around for mobile hotspots nor some coffee bar with wifi. Most of the time it just sits near my pc at home doing its job. It is a rental item, though I daresay you can actually buy them. And an added bonus is that if my wife and I decide to get on a plane and go somewhere for a holiday, we can just pop the modem into a small envelope and post it back to the rental company at any old post box. Likewise, if you are visiting Japan, you can rent a modem at the airport, just like you can rent a car, and hand it or post it back just before you leave. Supercool.

Number two has to be the white disc with a needle attached which I simply press into my arm and leave it there to constantly monitor my blood sugar level. It comes complete with a hand held monitor which not only gives me an instant reading, but can also be plugged into a computer to download all the saved information onto a programme from which I can then print out as readings to see if I am about to die anytime soon. No more drawing icky blood from my finger tips just to get an on the spot level. Brilliant.

Number three has to be my wife's Applemac. Quite frankly, I would be totally lost without it. Yes, it is getting old and is a little underpowered, for which reasons it can be somewhat recalcitrant to say the least. However, it has been an absolute lifesaver for me during these pandemic days.

Online writing and editing, online teaching, online every blooming thing. And the thing I really like about the Apple is that, unlike all my previous pc's, it doesn't crash and burn or pick up any nasty virus's. Yes, mine does go into the odd nosedive or tailspin, but it always recovers before it hits the ground and kills me stone dead.

I have to say a really big thank you to Mister Steve Jobs for gifting me and the rest of the world something that makes me as happy and as miserable as a man with a sexy, often times stroppy, personal assistant. I am mindful of that song by the Smiths, 'Girlfriend in a coma.' "There are times when I could strangle her, but I'd hate anything to happen to her." Or to put it another way, it's a bit like a partner who you cannot live without nor bury under the patio in the back garden.

Tree Langdon Dr Mehmet Yildiz Editor of Technology Hits Dr John Rose Dr. Preeti Singh John Ross John Gruber kurt gasbarra Joe Luca Terry Mansfield Stuart Englander Stuart Grant Agnes Laurens Geetika Sethi Victoria Ichizli-Bartels, Ph.D. Rebecca Stevens A. Maria Rattray Sabana Grande Sushma Sampath CR Mandler MAT Ntathu Allen
Imagination-The body’s light-house
Tags: Creativity, English Language, Mental Health, Humour, Thoughts And Ideas

What exactly is an imagination? Is it your sub-conscious that fantasizes of the future? Is it a cell in your mind that plays dreams when you sleep at night? Is it the reason behind fiction? And lastly to us spoiled homo-sapians (human beings) who have everything at their disposal… why is it even important? The truth is science has never claimed imagination as a biological feature of the human body, nor is it a skill a business has in under job specifications. It is the magical ability we mentally possess to form images, narratives and other hypothetical visuals in our mind. We utilize our memory in such a way that we create scenarios mentally such as of the future which are yet to happen. It is thanks to our imagination that we create new ideas and theorise about things, because of our tendancies of being a curious cat.... The wonders of human nature.

I have sometimes referred to whatever imagination is as a true biological feature, because when you think about it your muscles contract and expand whenever your brain sends the command since you have full control. It’s like when we pull some sort of light switch in our body, our mind is lit up in a whole new world where unicorns are real, cars fly, foods convincing you not to eat them and many more. But if i pull you back down on earth you might just be imagining your exam results and how shocked you are either giving yourself a pat on the back or a smack to your cheek. Especially an empty mind I find is the best playground for some interesting thoughts, because you can spend hours wandering in the ramblings of your mind whilst opening a locked door each time.

We always use the term “vivid imagination”, but the truth is that everyone on earth has a vivid imagination, whoever you are and whichever place in the world you live in…. your imagination is a powerful tool. It brings us onto the topic of what practicality imagination serves. Truly great things can be can be invented in this modern world via our imagination if we rule out the stigma that an imagination is only responsible for fictional aspects our minds can produce and not be implemented. An imagination is the field for your ideas, have fun with it and use it wisely, your mind will not disappoint I can assure you that.
Some Authors That I Recently Started Following
By: Jim Mcaulay
Tags: Illumination, Ham, Jim Mcaulay, Humour, Humor

Some Authors That I Recently Started Following

Photo by Stephane Coudassot-Berducou on Unsplash

I just read a great story by Bill Abbate

I could use this technique in a number of different ways. One of the thoughts I had was to spend about 10 minutes looking at stories by authors I have recently started to follow and write a very brief synopsis of one of their stories that I particularly like. Then link them all together.

Here it is:

Haucem Sadki

An excellent collection some of these I have read and should reread. Others I have intended to read but never got around to. There is only one that is completely unfamiliar to me.
No Blueberries in the Macaroni & Cheese
By: Danita Hall
Tags: Thanksgiving, Macaroni And Cheese, Humour, Rants And Raves, Humor

Humor

No Blueberries in the Macaroni & Cheese

Please leave fruit out of this side dish. Please.

Photo by Hermes Rivera on Unsplash

I’m not sure who needs this reminder but anything that grows from a seed, doesn’t belong in Mac & Cheese. This saying rhymes so it should be easy to remember.

I can appreciate all the ways that well renowned chefs try and dress up one of the top Holiday side dishes of all time. It’s great to give something a new taste, flavor and flair. Trying this with Macaroni & Cheese however is a huge mistake.

The only thing that belongs in Macaroni and Cheese is……macaroni and……cheese. Lots of cheese. There should be so much cheese in your dish that there’s no space for fruit.

This is all wrong because macaroni and cheese isn’t dessert. No matter what you add to it, it will never be dessert. Please. Please. Stop.

This is what I expect when you say Macaroni and Cheese. More please!

Disclaimer: I also add eggs, milk and butter to my dish but never ever fruit.

Danita Hall is a human by day and a Humor, Parenting, Lifestyle, Ranting, Poem Writing Blogger by night. Click here to read past blog posts and stay connected on Facebook and Twitter
Meteor or meteorite or meteoroid?
By: Ashwini Petchiappan
Tags: Meteor, Professor Birb, Humour, Science, Dinosaurs

Meteor or meteorite or meteoroid?

Professor Birb is in class with 26 students — the science class at Borbwards Academy. She is staring out the window with glassy eyes, perhaps thinking of her next meal. It’s been 5 hours since the last one.

Students Q: Professor Birb? What’s the difference between meteors, meteorites, and meteoroids?

Professor Birb in dreamscape

Prof. Birb: (turns to face the student, dreamily) Something like the difference between facts, knowledge, and wisdom.

Professor Birb’s tummy grumbles. She starts to fly out the window.



Student B: Professor, wait! Please, could you explain?

Prof. Birb: (sighs) I just told you a fact. If it entered your head, it’s knowledge. If it had really reached your brain, it would be wisdom. But clearly that didn’t happen. (shakes her head)



26 sets of clueless eyes stare at the round bird who is hopping around, holding her wings to her head muttering “I am teaching worm-heads!”. The professor stops.

Prof. Birb:

A meteoroid is an object in space — small as a dust grain, or big as an asteroid. A space rock, basically. If it enters the earth’s atmosphere, it’s called a meteor. If it reaches the ground, it’s a meteorite. “Oid” is out. “Ite” is in.

Now can I go out? (stamps her feet)

Student O: Ooo professor, then why are weather scientists called meteorologists?

Prof. Birb: (whispered) Maybe they are worm-heads too? (out loud) Meteorology comes from the Greek word “meteōron” meaning “of the atmosphere”. It referred to anything that fell out of the sky: rocks, rain, ice… anything. So me-teo-ro-logy became the study of weather. And before you confuse them, me-tro-logy is the study of weights and measures. Do NOT ask me this again.

Student A: Then what’s the study of meteors? (holding head with wings)

Prof. Birb: (glares) Meteoritics. I suppose they would have liked to have “meteorology”, but it was taken. (softly) Possibly all the food as well by now… (stares out the window)

The class is digesting the facts into knowledge, not many getting to the stage of wisdom. Professor Birb is pacing around grumbling “All because of the worm-heads!”.



Student C: Um, Professor? So which one of those killed the dinosaurs?

Prof. Birb: (stares, then rubs her wings) He he he hee. I have just the thing for you. (doodles on her notebook, and shows it to the class)

Professor Birb’s doodle

Professor Birb marches out the door.
Try Medium's new short-form story--A Tritriplicata
By: Jim Mcaulay
Tags: Tritriplicata, Illumination, Jim Mcaulay, Humour, Humor

Learn more. Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Make Medium yours. Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore
Humour #51
By: Marianne Content
Tags: Stand Up Comedy, Humour, Comedy, Public Speaking

Humour #51

Winner of Britain’s Got Talent in 2018, Lost Voice Guy is the kind of comedian who makes you laugh while making you think. He’s got amazing self-deprecation — just look at his tee-shirt — and is a genius in anticipating the audience’s reaction. Add to this his personal story, the fact that he actually doesn’t have a voice and yet can make his voice/opinion loud and clear, and you’ve got a powerful and talented example who will inspire many. No wonder he leaves us speechless — pun intended.

I recommend you watching his auditions on BGT too.

Lost Voice Guy Live at the Apollo

Enjoy! And stay tuned for future videos, coming every week!

#Humour #StandUpComedy #PublicSpeaking #FailinGracefully #Goal2020

For the last few years, I have been watching stand up comedy on youtube almost everyday. I have laughed, learned and laughed again thanks to a very diverse bunch of comedians. This year, I have decided to share my top favourite acts so that even more people laugh and learn!
My last boyfriend had to see a specialist, and came back with a prescription for “daily sex”. Well, fair enough, I thought, we’ll give it a try and see how it goes. Couldn’t hurt, hey? A few weeks…
By: Britni Pepper
Tags: Health, Funny, Short Form, Humour, Sex

My last boyfriend had to see a specialist, and came back with a prescription for “daily sex”.

Well, fair enough, I thought, we’ll give it a try and see how it goes. Couldn’t hurt, hey?

A few weeks later, my own health was getting pretty rocky, but you know, doctor’s orders, and I am not prone to argue.

As I stretched myself out for the daily regimen, a thought struck me.

“Hey, did the doctor have anything to say about your dyslexia?”

Britni

Photo by Austin Distel on Unsplash

Here’s another painful sex story:
How my ex was somewhat linguistically challenged in English.
By: Liam Ireland
Tags: Writing, Illumination, Short Stories And Poems, Humour, Short Form Story

How my ex was somewhat linguistically challenged in English.

One day on a business trip out of town Just as I parked my car in the main square she said she was desperate for a pee. Running late for a meeting, I told her to look around the square, for sure there would be a public toilet somewhere nearby.

An hour later I returned to the car to see my ex still sat in it, clearly distressed, with her legs tightly crossed.

"What happened, no toilet?"

"No, there isn't one anywhere ."

I looked out and spotted a small building with a sign 'Public Convenience' a hundred yards away.

"There you go," I said, "toilets."

"Where?"

"Where it says 'Public Convenience'."

"Well it's not very bloody convenient if it doesn't say toilets is it." she grumbled as she slammed the car door so hard it almost broke the window.

Photograph by Marten Bjork on Unsplash

Below is a link to a collection of my best short stories.
I love this! 😂
By: Veronika A.
Tags: Humour, Comedy, Music

…s after a breakup and almost any other situation you can find yourself in; probably except boredom? Yeah, let’s not amplify that one [shivers].
7 American Words that Brits Don’t Get
By: Jessie London
Tags: Words, Travel, Humour, Travelling, Wanderlust

7 American Words that Brits Don’t Get

Photo by Zen Chung from Pexels

I loved every second of my travelling time in the USA.

I covered almost half of the states and met wonderful people along the way. I camped the Colorado river, hiked Yosemite, played roulette in Vegas and rode a horse up to the Hollywood sign.

Travelling with a group of various nationalities definitely added to the experience. I met two amazing Germans who were au pairs in LA. Four Chinese guys who were some of the smartest people I’ve ever spoken to. For the most part, though, our group was English and American solo travellers brought together for an amazing excursion across the land of the free.

It was hugely intriguing to me as a Literature and Linguistics lecturer, to notice the words and phrases that were completely alien to me, but spoken in my own language.

We had a lot of laughs debating these words over dinner or as we drove Route 66 — so, without further ado…
Call for a dull time
By: Verbal Loitering
Tags: Humour, Poetry, Design

Fucking 2020.

Brought death, destruction, and caused an endless commotion in my head.

As I stared at the same four walls each day, it made a prison out of the one place that was my escape.

Ravaging every pleasure I ever knew, it then spat in my face.

The real disappointment comes as the year ends, realizing that I was wrong when I thought all I wanted was loneliness.

For I hadn’t felt what it truly meant. Until…

Fucking 2020.
I Appreciate Tree Langdon
By: Jim Mcaulay
Tags: Illumination, Jim Mcaulay, Humour, Humor, Gratitude

I Appreciate Tree Langdon

Photo by Caleb Simpson on Unsplash

Many of the stories that I write come from comments suggestions and stories by the wonderful editors of Illumination. This story is came from a recent story by Tree Langdon
A Doctor, Doctor Joke
By: Craig Meighan
Tags: Jokes, Horse, Doctor, Humour, Silly

Man: Doctor Doctor, I think I’m turning into a horse!

Doctor: Why?

Man: Why? What do you mean “why?” — I woke up this morning and I’ve got hooves, a tail and a bloody great horse’s head instead of my normal head! I thought it’d be plain to see why!

Doctor: Of course, my apologies Mr Peterson. You do look like a horse — please relax, I’ll make you a referral.

Man: Oh thank God! You know a specialist who can fix this?

Doctor: No, I’m making you an appointment at the vet.

Man: What? Do you think this a joke?

Doctor: No, but let’s be realistic here — this isn’t a case of mumps or something. You’re a horse now Mr Peterson and not you, me or God can do a damn thing about it. You are a huge animal now, there’s injections, upkeep and you’ll need regular appointments with a blacksmith for shoes. Let’s just deal with the practicalities. I can’t cure you, but if we stay calm and make a few calls, we can help you have a better quality of life.

Man: Thanks Doctor — I suppose I may have overreacted.

Doctor: That’s OK — it’s a distressing situation. I’ll write you up a sick line for your work. We’ll just say it’s a chest infection and you can think about how you’re going to tell them.

Man: I really appreciate that.

(A few moments pass)

Doctor: So it’ll just be a second until the computer loads the referral template and then I can get it printed for you.

Man: Right.

(The computer still hasn’t done anything.)

Doctor: So you going away anywhere nice this year?

Man: Was going to go to Tenerife in October, but I’m not sure if that’ll work out now that I’m a talking horse.

Doctor: Yeah I suppose you’ll need new passport photos and all that. Admin.

Man: Yeah and my trousers don’t fit and stuff.

Doctor: Bit of shopping for you as well then.

Man: Yup.

(Another long moment passes)

Doctor: Sorry this computer’s acting up as usual. It’s on a go slow!

Man: Yeah.

Doctor: So, I suppose you could say you woke up with a horse’s head on your pillow.

Man: Like the Godfather.

Doctor: Yes, but it was your head, because you’ve a horse’s head for a head now.

Man: Yes.

Doctor: Inappropriate? Sorry, I just have to fill silence when it happens.

Man: It’s fine. Is it nearly ready now?

Doctor: Yeah do you know what it is? They don’t even print anymore it just sends it straight to the hospital. Sorry it’s been a long day. Mind’s gone.

Man: So I can go?

Doctor: Yeah just take ID to the hospital and they’ll book you in.

Man: Thanks doc

Doctor: No problem. Off you trot.

Man: Still not the time.

Doctor: OK, well see you soon Mr Peterson.

Man: Right, bye.

(Man Exits)
Netflix Pleads “You complete me” While Hiking Canadian Subscription Plans and Cancelling Free Trial Periods
By: Krystle Meixner
Tags: Jokes, Satire This Is Satire, Humour, Satire

You gotta understand, the competition is tough out there. That’s why we have to ask you to show us the money. The streaming business is cut throat. It’s eat or have Friends taken away. And Friends is in fact being taken away. We’re the ones that have to pivot.

And we know we’re losing The Office but I swear we will make more Emily In Paris. At least three seasons. Hell we’ll make Lucy in Greece if that’s what you want, please don’t leave us.

Oo! We know you love variety, that’s why there are so many other one season shows. Look! We’ve got a bright red icon to catch your eye! Keep looking over here!

We’ve been there from the beginning. Since 1999 when we would mail DVDs. Remember how together we survived Y2K? Don’t turn your back on us now. Think of all the good times we’ve had in the last 2 decades. We brought the Netflix, you brought the chill. The countless nights we’ve kept you company as you fell asleep on the couch. How we check in on you, *whispers* “Are you still watching?”. You knew in your soul that was us making sure you’d get some water.

Look, chump, we’ve got you hostage. Netflix is easier to use than Amazon Prime, and you hate Jeff Bezos. Don’t forget how much you hate Jeff Bezos. You’d still have to pay more to get HBO, that’s even more than our tiny little increase that we’ll probably increase again once the second lock-down happens, but uhg think about paying for Amazon Prime AND HBO? To Jeff Bezos?! Just imagine staying with Netflix is like sticking it to Jeff Bezos.

I’m sorry, that was aggressive. You mean so much to us, we don’t want to lose you. We’re looking out for you, really! Just ask yourself, who are YOU if you can’t keep up in social conversations about The Queen’s Gambit? You complete us. And, let’s be honest, Netflix completes your personality.

Krystle Meixner

@frickstle
Special Announcement: Saturday Morning Sass
By: Victoria A. Fraser
Tags: Writing, Satire, Humour, Newsletter, Sass

Hello my lovely readers!

I’m launching a little comedy newsletter this weekend and wanted to announce it here away for you all to enjoy. If you can’t guess already, it’ll be called Saturday Morning Sass. What can you expect from it?

Well, it will feature funny articles and stories about my life. Basically some of the same things you read here, but I’m going to put more of it in one place. Get ready for some sassy satire, funny poems, and crappy little comics!

If you like my funny stuff then feel free to subscribe and share with your friends! #ShamelessSelfPromo

Oh and yes it will be totally free. Here it is!

That’s all folks!

Also a quick thanks to everyone who follows me here on Medium, I really appreciate you guys! :)
Total agreement with James Knight! Also loved the parenthetical asides in the subtitles!
By: Jack Herlocker
Tags: Funny, Songs, Humour, A Few Words, Parody

Total agreement with James Knight! Also loved the parenthetical asides in the subtitles!
It’s Tuesday — Right?. Another parody by fellow Medium writer…
By: Agnes Louis
Tags: Funny, Songs, Humour, A Few Words, Parody

We are adapting.

We have been for millennia and we will do it over and over again in the millennia to come.

We always have and we will always — adjust and adapt.

Not all is lost.

Though much have been lost, not all is lost.

We are surviving one of our toughest years, getting stronger with each passing day, and we will continue to do so as long as it takes us, which — judging from the news about the vaccine — would no longer take very long.

The end of year is nigh.

Since Christmas is around the corner, I thought it’ll be nice to do another little parody from Joe Váradi. So, without further ado, here’s a little spin — a different take on an eventful year we will soon put behind us:

I hope you like it and have a great… Tuesday? Wednesday?

Have a great day!
My grandmother used to tell me that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
By: Britni Pepper
Tags: Short Form, Humour, Pun, Funny

My grandmother used to tell me that an apple a day kept the doctor away. I don’t know if it is true, or just another one of Granny’s myths.

Photo by Pierre-Antoine Caisso on Unsplash
A Better Dream
By: Len Grossman
Tags: Humo, Writer, Humour, Writing Tips, Humor

Christmas is coming!

The best gift for an inspired writer: a pair of Jane Austen’s socks.

Yes, it socks!

Never been washed since than!

You cannot find anything more authentic than that on the market!

Fare price!

It will be a crystal pure honor to wear those Jane Austen’s socks with a proud!
Woman over the moon after receiving boutique fudge box in lieu of paid overtime
By: Aram Balakjian
Tags: Employees, Satire, Humour, Humor, Working From Home

A woman in London has received a large box of luxury fudge squares - some with edible glitter on top — from her employer as gratitude for working countless hours of unpaid overtime.

Laura Holdsworth, an account manager at the PR firm Love Me Too (LMT), was “over the moon” when she signed for the surprise package this morning at her home in Forest Hill. “It’s just so nice to feel appreciated,” she said. “This year has been hell, working sixty hours a week at the kitchen table while looking after two toddlers. But, then you get some really fancy sweets and it’s all worth it.”

The company’s CEO, Tim Burford, said he sent the edible gift boxes to all 600 LMT employees to make them feel special. “Without their tireless uncontracted work,” he added, “we would not be on track for record growth this year. They deserve every calorie.”

Not all of LMT’s staff appreciated the sugary handout, however. Zoe Pauset from IT suggested she would rather have “just got paid” for the hours she’d worked. Another employee, who preferred not to be named, described the gift as “bullshit.”

Burford is unfazed by what he says is “a vocal minority of ungratefuls,” pointing out that in a business the size of LMT, it’s impossible to please everyone, “even with hand finished toffee crumb icing and white chocolate swirls!”

LMT’s bumper profits mean the company now has plenty of cash to re-invest in the coming year. “We are considering buying a confectionary manufacturing plant,” Burford said, “our sweet budget has been through the roof this year.”
Hello_world_yeet!
By: Ramona Singh
Tags: Rant, Satire, Humour, Whatever, Humor

[Image will be taking time, my sweater thinks it doesn’t look good enough; got spatial perception issues, you know, so I’ll save that goss for another story!]

I swallowed my lip-gloss.

Here I go again. Chores. Very important chores, which will prove to those who absolutely have lost the will to read further than this, that I am a very well-behaved person who sometimes gets weird and swallows lip-gloss and starts ranting since she watched a Vihart video. I aspire to acquire that level of wit and knowledge.

Thank you. Like. Share. Subscribe. The end. Bye bye. Have a blimmingly bodgey mogey day!

[Now that the people who scan through the first paragraph have left, I shall let out my evil plan here to you special fellas huahaha]

So it happens that today I had a bath! And then I combed my hair. And then I put on a beautiful purple-pink sweater (note: if seen from one angle, it appears purple, if seen from another angle, it appears pink, if you blur your vision, it appears mauve, but if you just look at it in the way you look at other things, you will observe that there are thin strands of both purple and pink, and something shiny, kinda like silk. Yes, she possesses magical apparel) I put on the sweater without wearing a T-shirt first, and I must remark, boy! It did cause me a bit of discomfort, but as our elders have dutifully instructed, I ought to keep quiet about discomfort and nihilism, because that’s life, and we shall not be hypocrites, using up life and saying it is a minor discomfort existing.

Therefore, at this point, I request our elders to dissociate with my ongoing sentences and do something productive. Watch the news, maybe?

Now that the second portion of threatening species ought to have stopped reading such ignoble, scandalous, squalid literature and has gone to do something productive, I shall continue.

I put on that magical sweater on my bra and it itched only for a few minutes, but that’s not my point. My point is that then I put on some Vaseline (aka lip-gloss) on my lips in the mirror while screaming in existential crisis at a frequency humans cannot hear and instead of making a bun of my hair or slicking it behind my ears, I made two ponies on either side of the container containing my electrically charged meat because I did not want to look like the qualified elder who cannot trespass rants about discomfort (and nihilism).

Now that the only elders here who are still reading it are violating the law, I do not care nor am I responsible for any damage and I will bring out my true self.

So I was still screaming at the frequency humans cannot perceive, wishing there was a whale or a dog or a bat empathizing, but that is yet another disadvantage of civilization, and teleporting being rightly illegal; It is what it is.
The beginning of the end…
By: Money Pit Digger
Tags: Humour, Relocation, Singapore, Moving

… and so, I was minding my own business one fine day when I sensed palpable tension in the air. “It must be the extreme heat from the perpetual summer in Merlion City,” I thought to myself. “Or am I about to get a stroke?”

I waited for a full minute but realised I was not keeling over. I supposed that would have been far too easy a death for me. I made a mental note to reject all strokes unless it is one of luck, since it has been an annus horribilis so far.

Blissfully unaware of the imminent threat that was about to descend upon me, I made the one fatal error that I should never have made. A mistake that would lead to the beginning of the end, or more accurately, my end — I made direct eye contact with The Wife. (On hindsight, I really should have known better.)

“I think we should move house,” she said.

Uh oh. Pandora’s box is now open. The Kraken has been released. There is no way to squeeze the fat genie back into the lamp, just like squeezed toothpaste ain’t going back into no tube.

Like a hapless prey caught in the crosshairs of an apex Predator (note: capitalisation intended), I quickly determined that neither fight nor flight was a viable option. Pffft. The Wife would slap the sh*t out of my face in a fight and break my legs before I even made it to the door.

I could, however, play dead. It was an outside chance of survival but a decade of marriage has trained me well. I pretended not to hear what she said and chose not to respond. That was my final answer.

Hmmm, like that feeble tactic would actually work against The Wife. A strange doctor has seen over 14 million potential outcomes and I lose every single time. Now, I am not saying that she is Thanos… because she is really more like Galactus, honorary devourer of my world.

I lost within a split second in the clash of wills. The Wife will get what she wants and I will obey.

So we are moving house, huh? The joyride begins… not.
Shot your wife in the head? Don’t worry 2021 can still be your year.
By: Charlie Willmott
Tags: Creativity, Writing, Drugs, Advice, Humour

As I share the same first name with him, this quote resonates inside me. Mr Bukowski didn’t have a great life. He also didn’t become ‘successful’ until later years. There was no internet to constantly remind him everyone else is successful. But he did have cinemas, newspapers, buildings, books and poems. All created by ‘successful’ artists (which effectively achieved the same anxiety). Did he give up? No. He chugged down beer after beer and kept writing until he made it.

There comes a point where you need to sit down with yourself. Stop making excuses, and lay the groundwork for the future. Grab that vintage device used for taking notes. Find a sheet of digested tree. Put them together and write your plan for the future. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month but really visualise what you want in the next ten years.

What are you wearing? What are you drinking? How big is your home? Who do you wake up next to? What are you doing? Who are you?

Visualise that strawberry daiquiri, the smell of your Cuban cigar, the fear of the Mexican drug cartel following you, the taste of the sea as you escape in your rubber dinghy while your best friend bleeds to death. The more you imagine, the more real it’ll become.

Then work backwards. How are you going to get there? What do you need to read, what do you need to do to make this a reality? Become the master of your own destiny.

“Brain eating birds patrol the low frequency brain waves.” ― William S. Burroughs, The Yage Letters
And Scotland’s All-Time Best Picture Award Goes To…
By: Malky Mcewan
Tags: Drugs, Culture, Film, Books, Humour

How good is it?

It’s mesmerising.

From the writing to the soundtrack — Born Slippy by Underworld — to the cinematic feast Scotland provides as a backdrop, to the unbelievable degradation we humans will put up with — all for that one last hit.

But it isn’t a miserable sod of a film. Trainspotting is funny. Trainspotting has drama. Trainspotting is a thrill ride through life that makes you almost want to be there.

Without humour, it would fail. Without humour, it would be flat and charmless as a half-full ashtray.

But a lot of things merged in the universe to make this the standout best Scottish film ever.

Danny Boyle

Yes, the guy who gave us the opening ceremony for the 2012 Summer Olympics.

The director, Danny Boyle, cut his teeth on another classic Scottish film, Shallow Grave, and afterward gave us The Beach, 28 Days Later, Slumdog Millionaire, 127 Hours, Steve Jobs, and Yesterday.

He also did the sequel to Trainspotting, but I don’t think he did a better job than the original.

Ewan McGregor

Played Mark Renton in the film and as you watch him it is hard to see how he could transform himself into the film star heartthrob he is now — I mean he is that good.

Robert Carlyle

Played the psycho Francis Begbie — and so well it is hard to think this guy could play the mild-mannered highland police officer Hamish Macbeth.

Johnny Lee Millar

The modern-day Sherlock Holmes has since achieved critical acclaim, including an Olivier Award for best actor.

Ewen Bremner

Has since had a distinguished film career. Trainspotting would have been half the film without him (still brilliant) but who can forget the scene where he tries to screw up his interview for a job as a leisure centre attendant.

“In a word, pleasure — from other people’s leisure.”

Kelly MacDonald

Until Trainspotting, she was a barmaid in Glasgow. She read a flyer advertising an open casting session for Trainspotting and auditioned, winning the part of Diane, the underage seductress to Ewan McGregor’s Renton. She went on to a glittering acting career, including five seasons with Boardwalk Empire.

Yes, the stars certainly aligned for Trainspotting.
Faire la chose dans 60 départements français
By: Saindou Salime
Tags: Département, Humour, Langue Francaise, Oceanindien

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Pet Palooza
By: Sara Zadrima
Tags: Pets, Cats, Dogs, Humour, Humor

Pet Newsletter Vol. 1

Pet Palooza

Photo by Krista Mangulsone on Unsplash

Hello, pirates and fans of the Good Ship MuddyUm! Today, we raise our cups to the wiggle butts and purring floofs that make our sleeping quarters and our hearts livelier, fuller, and cozier.

Yes, folks! This Newsletter is volume 1 of our Pet Palooza. So, gather round, cozy up with your furrier loved ones, and get to reading this fun roundup of MuddyUm pet tales. Click the underlined titles below to read their corresponding stories, and be sure to check out the included writers’ prompts for some pet-themed inspiration.
The Smelly Seminar: The Most Embarrassing Moment of My Student Life
By: Lexus Ndiwe
Tags: This Happened To Me, Short Story, Humour, Seminar, University

Practically crawling into Richard’s last class of the semester, I instantly regret the decision.

I am the only one there.

Most of the students had already left for summer vacation. As it was sunny and an afternoon session, the ones still on campus had decided to spend time at the beach instead. A second student arrived, and it became clear very quickly that it would remain just the two of us.

Somehow I was making it through the seminar (and the eye contact), only leaving the room whenever a coughing fit would start. My stomach was feeling a little gassy, but I paid no attention to it. The yogurt and orange juice that I had consumed before the lesson was the first food that I had stomached in a while. I thought it was a natural response.

The intensity of discomfort increases.

I try my best to contain it.

After a while, I relax my body, fooling myself into a false sense of security. My mistake from earlier comes to haunt me.

Before I can stop it, a high-pitched sound *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP* sound spills out.

If you think the ‘beep’ written here is an exaggeration, it is actually an understatement!

The beep goes on and on, relentless in its duration. Richard is stunned silent, pausing the seminar. Even the sound of my classmate’s breathing is lost in the silence, and there is only one or two seat’s space between us! The sound of my escaping gas finally ends. I look around the room in utter shame and embarrassment.

Before anyone could say anything, the *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP* starts again! It goes on for even longer this time!

Stopping for good, I look up, catching Richard and my classmate exchanging looks. Both smiling, they do not muster a sound. In that moment, I pled for them to burst out laughing. Craving for anything to cut the tension, I attempt to myself, awkwardly making the situation even worse! No one says anything, and after a long pause, Richard starts the seminar again. Thank goodness the class was nearly over! It was almost impossible to endure Richard’s intense eye contact after that.
Life On A Hutterite Colony
By: Jim Mcaulay
Tags: Illumination, Jim Mcaulay, Humour, Hutterite, Humor

From the outside looking in

Photo by Christina Branco on Unsplash

Of the many different jobs that I have held one of the more memorable ones was the time I spent working as a teacher’s aide for a young Hutterite boy who had a shunt in his brain as a result of hydrocephalus.

The Hutterites live in a closed self-sufficient communal society. They have a school which usually has two classrooms one for the older children and the other for younger ones.

The children have German school in the morning and again in the evening.

Between 8AM and 3PM there is English school which is administered by the local school board. There are two teachers and if any students have severe learning disabilities they get an aide.

That was my job I was the teacher’s aide. Nominal I was there to help Philip, however I did a lot of other jobs such as photocopying, supervision during recess, and was the substitute teacher if either of the other two were absent.

Discipline is never a problem. The German teacher is responsible for the children. He comes in each day to check on how things are going and the students know that things had better be going well.

The last day of school for the older students is the day they turn 14. As luck would have it I happened to be teaching the older students on the day when Jacob and Mary-anne had their 14th birthday.

Everything was quiet when suddenly Mary-anne stood up knocked over her desk and began throwing paper at other students. Jacob ran over and started chasing her around the classroom. They pulled books off the shelf and ran out of the the classroom. A little while later the German teacher brought them back to pick up the books. He was smiling and laughing about it. He told me they had turned 14 and were now ready to leave school.

This is the first of my know like and trust-you stories. From a suggestion by Tree Langdon
Cards And Stories From The Game Dominion
By: Jim Mcaulay
Tags: Illumination, Jim Mcaulay, Humour, Jeff Bezos, Humor

Learn more. Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

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Exactly Ryan! Thanks for taking the time to respond :)
By: Liz Porter
Tags: Humour, Opinion, Christmas, Self

Exactly Ryan! Thanks for taking the time to respond :)
The Best Worst Night of my Life
By: Sam Taylor
Tags: Storytelling, Hospital, Flirting, Humour, Wine

“Why so happy?” a friend remarked as I was in the kitchen getting some plates.

For a long time, I could wipe the smile off my face. It was as if someone had run up and permanently added botox to my cheeks, forcing them to stay in an upright position.

I had just been on an incredible date with an incredible person and my day was only to get better when friends came over to celebrate new beginnings.

“Let’s have some wine!” one friend shouted.

I went to the kitchen and found a bottle of shiraz, hiding in the back of the cupboard. At the time I thought it strange that it was well hidden but was too over joyous to think any more on the matter.

As I slammed it down on the table, I noticed that it had a cork, so back to the kitchen, I went where I flipped out an old corkscrew from a swiss army knife, dating back to the 1960s.

It was then I had the strangest sensation that perhaps something may go astray, but again, the adrenaline and spirit from my day kept lifting me up.

I screwed tighter and then ‘snap’.

The neck of the bottle had split sending shards of glass across the table. Red wine flowed out of the crack and my finger began to hurt. I thought it may have been from going to the gym that day, but it was, in fact, a shard of glass had severed the join.

I put it under the tap to see how deep it had cut, but the blood wouldn’t stop flowing.

“It’s ok,” my flatmate remarked as he patted me on my shoulder.

“Dude, I don’t feel so good”.

“You’re fine”. He kept on slicing cheese for the platter.

The next thing I know, I’m sitting in a chair with five friends surrounding me. Why were they in my house, I thought to myself. I had blacked out and for a few seconds, I was dreaming. It felt like hours.

It was when I looked down that I remembered what had happened.
Route Canal
By: Jim Mcaulay
Tags: Illumination, Jim Mcaulay, Humour, Puns, Humor

The movie

Photo by Rune Enstad on Unsplash

Route Canal tops the list of films that I have no desire to watch.

I love a good pun. This title, however, appears to be related to the film very indirectly (Single mother Caroline is a dentist)

It has a very brief entry on IMBd (Internet Movie Database) giving us very little information other than the underwhelming plot summary.

A dentist, Caroline, who is also a single mother, attempts to persuade her patient, Paul, a local deli owner who recently came in to see her for some treatment, to pretend to be her young sons ‘father’ so that she can get the toddler into a top London nursery

source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt4244100/

Route Canal is Joe Ferreras’ only film.

Jim McAulay🍁 says:

“Just finished reading a book about podiatry. The footnotes were incredible.”
Climbing Some Stupid Mountains
By: Synthia S.
Tags: Mental Health, Humour, Personal Development, Emotions, Self

On the surface, I act like things don’t bother me and people are always amazed that I somehow seem relatively composed, even during the worst of times. This isn’t really the case.

I’ve probably climbed a lot of colossal and jagged mountains to get to my current state, all the while putting on the visage like those things never happened.

Forget the metaphorical scrapes and bruises, it’s hidden away by really great makeup and a funny sense of humour.

It’s gotten to the point that I momentarily forget about some of the mountains I’ve climbed, and people end up surprised when they catch me making a comment alluding to a specific mountain.

Photo by Christopher Burns on Unsplash — “Ah, as you can see, my earlier life was somewhere down there.”

Sometimes, they’re surprised because they also climbed the same earlier mountain or couldn’t imagine climbing that specific mountain themselves. Other times, they have no interest in that mountain and escaped while they still had the chance.

Good for them.

Apparently, I don’t seem like to type to have climbed spooky Mountain A, but more so a type that could have climbed the less coveted Mountain B. I find this amusing because there’s always more to anyone’s story than what we give credit for.

If you are capable of having tragedy, so can I.

I guess that I must be good at accidentally hiding things, even from myself. So there you have it — the magic trick is to forget your traumas and soon enough, people get surprised by your history as if you revealed a major plot twist from a movie, but instead of a movie, it’s your own self.
‘Why Can’t I Focus On Them?’
By: Becky Boughton
Tags: Light, Body, Christmas, Humour, Technology

‘Why Can’t I Focus On Them?’

It’s an annual consideration the four of us talk about every Christmas…why can’t our eyes focus on the ‘blue ones’?

Since the days of carefully undoing massive ball of glass NOMAs, like Clark Griswold, so not to easily smash them are (mostly) a memory to most households.

The LED Christmas light craze came on scene in 1998/1999.

They boasted a longer lifespan, plastic light coverings which meant almost no breakage, they didn’t fade in colour if left in place all year, less energy was used in their operation and they were smaller in size so took up less room in storage.

A great deal!

I remember one year when I first saw a tree, like the one in the photo, fully decorated with blue LED lights.

A single blue bulb, here and there, amidst the rest of the colours on a strand, I had never paid attention to the fact that I couldn’t focus on the blue ones. Until, that is, that first monochromatic cobalt tree came along.

Thinking at first that my eyes were just tired or getting old (which didn’t make sense because I had 20/20 vision), I soon realized no matter how hard I tried to focus on those blue LED lights, it wasn’t happening.

Well, it just so it happens to be that, “our eyes can easily focus on fine details in red or green light. But our retinas can’thandle blue light very well. Blue light scatters more widely within the eye and tends to be focused in front of the retina, making it appear slightly out of focus.”-assemblymag.com

Interesting.

So if you felt like you were the only one that ‘couldn’t focus on the blue ones’… you are in good company! and happy light-seeing this holiday season.

As a side note: Here’s an interesting history of the Christmas light for those interested: https://www.christmasdesigners.com/blog/from-edison-to-led-the-complete-history-of-christmas-lights/

Enjoy.

-Becky
Poetry Police
Tags: Poem, Humour, Poets On Medium, Poetry, New

“Step away from the poem, sir!”

It was unloaded but it felt

heavy in my hands so

perhaps I swayed in an

untoward manner.

“Put the poem down, sir!”

I didn’t understand as it was

just words, though they had become

jumbled in the kerfuffle and I

juggled them ineptly.

“Drop the poem, sir! This is your

last warning!” And I did and all those

emotive words skittered across the

icy street, people stepping over them as they

disappeared down drains and the

officers drew deep breaths,

holstered their weapons and

withdrew.

Alone, bereft by loss, an

old lady approached me,

stroked my shoulder, “You

did the right thing kid, and

anyway it was a

shit poem”.