The Problem of Horny — A Skewer Debate
By: The Skewer
Tags: Politics, Satire, The Skewer, Maria Butina, Chicago Live Lit

by Noah Heinrich and erica dreisbach

A redheaded woman crouches on a rooftop ledge, wearing a black latex catsuit; this is approximately how The Skewer co-producer erica dreisbach imagines Maria Butina’s seductions went.

In July 2018, actual Russian spy Maria Butina was revealed to be a secret agent from a hostile state infiltrating American lobbying groups for the express purpose of furthering Russian interests. Crucially, it was revealed she was able to use sex as a tool to infiltrate the good ol’ NRA.

To speak plainly, Butina and Russia weaponized Horny to weaken America. This proves that Horny is a deadly tool in this geopolitical climate. The question becomes, How do we deal with the grave existential threat Horny poses to our country?

Noah Heinrich reads at The Skewer. “Yes, our worst fears have come true: Russia has deployed hot singles in our area!”

Noah Heinrich — We Must Adopt Horny as a Weapon for Our Own Purposes

Opening Statement

Esteemed colleagues, we are living in dangerous times. One of our most beloved institutions, the NRA, has been infiltrated and completely and utterly destroyed. Yep, no more NRA, how sad. We know who the culprit was; literal Russian spy and possible Bond villain Maria Butina. And furthermore, we know the means by which she accomplished this heinous act. Our dear National Rifle Association was brought done by some tight Slavic poontang.

Yes, our worst fears have come true. Russia has deployed hot singles in our area, and they’re looking for deep, dirty collusion. The attack isn’t imminent, it has already begun. Who knows who could be next to fall?

Our path is clear, folks. We need to fight back with the same weaponry. The power of Horny will be our path to victory. Our arse-nal is woefully underdeveloped, but I know that with a little American ingenuity, we will be prepared when the next Horny War begins.

It isn’t enough to simply close the Horny gap with Russia, however. We need to surpass them, and become the most undisputedly horny nation on Earth, so that nobody, and I do mean nobody, will ever dare catfish us again. To do so, we must tap into our most precious resource; the queer community. Gay, lesbian, bi, pan, trans, and so on, every beautiful letter in the abbreviation is going to be put into service.

Sure, Moscow will expect us to send Hollywood bombshells after their men, and all-american studs after their women. But we’re not going to do what they expect. We’re going to hit them from every direction until they don’t know which way is up. Imagine you’re Russian prime minister Dmitry Medvedev. Are you prepared for a statuesque nonbinary person to touch your arm and smile at you like the first sunrise after months of Siberian winter? No! Nobody can be prepared for that! Is Federation Chairwoman Valentina Matviyenko ready for a butch lesbian to awaken feelings in her that she never knew she had?

Straight friends, you know I love you, and your contributions are valued. But let’s be honest, we’re not going to become a global sexypower with poorly lit dick pics and two minutes of missionary every other Saturday. Despite what centuries of media have taught you, no matter how kinky you think you are, you have only scratched the surface of the power. We in the LGBT community simply have the edge when it comes to defending our country from below the belt. Plus, we have an ace in the hole.

Yes, the asexuals will be especially dangerous operatives in this cold hot war. After all, the goal is to turn the enemy on until they make dumbass mistakes, like driving two hours across state lines at 4 am to make a hypothetical nonspecific example. To this end, sex is a potent but inelegant tool, like opening a jar of pickles with a baseball bat. Our asexuals will be able to wield the power of horny without succumbing to the effects themselves. Imagine the devastation in Moscow when the asexuals attack.

Of course, the sign of a great leader is that they never ask something of their soldiers that they would not be willing to do themselves. As a proud member of the LGBT community, I am volunteering to lead the first strike. By year’s end, I can, should, must, and will top Vladimir Putin. That’s right, I am personally going to cuckold the entire Russian government by giving their President pleasure like he has never known. This is the sacrifice that I make for my country. You’re welcome for that.

My opponent believes that Horny must be outlawed to keep us safe. This is a brave gesture, but a futile one. The sexy genie is already out of the erotically shaped bottle, and the only way to put it back is with lots and lots of lube. I understand the desire to keep your hands, various appendages, and orifices clean, but this is the real world of geopolitics. And the only real way to be sure that we’re never dicked down again like we were in 2016 is to make America Gay Again.

Closing Statement

Legendary political theorist and creator of Classical realism Hans Morgenthau once said that “international politics, like all politics, is a struggle for power.” In any struggle, somebody ends up on top, and somebody else ends up on the bottom. I know if Hans Morgenthau were with us here today, he’d urge us to push our rivals up against a wall, stare deeply into their eyes, and give them a gentle, tender kiss on the mouth. No tongue, but with a gentle parting of the lips that hints at more to come. Then, Hans Morgenthau would say, you walk away, leaving them to wonder for weeks just what you are together. And finally, when they work up the courage to text us, asking if we want to, I dunno, get a cup of coffee or something, we’ll leave them on read. And boom, we accomplish world peace. Thank you.

erica dreisbach reads at The Skewer. “”You might be saying, ‘erica, we can’t treat politicians the way they treat sex criminals in Indonesia!’ … … but like, why not?”

erica dreisbach — We Must Ban Horny Forever

Opening Statement

Horny. From late 18th century slang: “to have the horn,” meaning a boner.

i do not like the word “horny.” It evokes sexually transmitted diseases and mean teenage boys laughing and pressuring me to eat green MnMs but not explaining why, two things which are profoundly unpleasant. i would very much like to ban the word “horny” forever. But that is not at issue here today.

Despite what my opponent would have you believe, i am in favor of consensual, wanted horniness in its proper context. But is horny ever necessary for competent political governance? Obviously not!

Is it a distraction at best, and a massive security vulnerability at worst? Obviously yes!

You might be thinking, “ok but erica, we can’t just, I dunno, this is just offa top, chemically castrate all politicians and registered operatives for such time as they’re employed in United States political life. We can’t demand that political men take legally-mandated diethylstilbestrol or medroxyprogesterone acetate, and potentially grow breasts. And similarly that political women take it and potentially develop huge nipples and reduced body hair. We can’t treat politicians the way they treat sex criminals in Indonesia.”

…

But, like, why not? Lawmakers have asked us to submit to TSA bodyscans, to ICE checkpoints, to accept concentration camps for families and children and an inevitable slide toward an authoritarian white ethnostate. Is it too much to ask that in return, for a while, that they have weird boobs and lose interest in banging?

No, it’s not too much to ask! They’d be getting off easy! And at the same time, they wouldn’t be getting off at all.

Imagine the Presidents we would’ve had if we banned horny. Imagine a not-horny Bill Clinton. Think of what that Rhodes scholar mind could’ve come up with instead of “don’t ask don’t tell”? Think of what he could have done with the Democratic majority in his first-term Congress if he’d had the sheer free time. Maybe single payer health care! Maybe go nuts, maybe a guaranteed living wage! Maybe reparations!

Imagine an unhorny JFK, politely nodding at Marilyn Monroe when she wishes him a breathy Happy Birthday Mr President. Solving the Cuban Missile Crisis with something better than a Biggest Dick Contest.

Imagine a not-horny Donald Tr/mp. Slim, cogent. Confident, in a non-clinically narcissistic way.

But i don’t just propose banning horniness for sex. Why stop there! Some of the most radical evildoers in government are asexual with respect to humans, but crazy horny for the destruction of civil life.

Imagine: John Bolton’s horniness for nuclear war? Gone.

Paul Ryan’s horniness to skullfuck Medicare? Gone.

Mitch McConnell’s horniness to walk onto the Senate floor clad in Sauron’s armor of Orthanc at the Battle of Dagorlad, laughing maniacally and slashing the throats of peasants and Democrats?

All those horny agendae would be gone.

i’ll leave you with this: remember Anthony Weiner? Remember seeing his Anthony Weiner packaged up in gray boxer briefs, because his extramarital horniness for underage Twitter teens had made national news? Remember the October 28th Comey letter, (of course you do), one of many factors that tipped the election to President Pussy Grab.

Well. The Reason that James Tallboy Comey reopened the Clinton investigation was Because of campaign emails found on a seized Weiner laptop, that would never have seen the light of day had he kept his dick in the dark.

So what did horny get us? The horniest, and worst, President in United States history. Coincidence? Obviously not. We need less horny, not more.

Closing Statement

AUDIENCE.

my opponent would have you believe that we can defeat horny with more horny. That we can solve school shootings by arming teachers and children. That we can kill the Babadook with a second Babadook.

This is nonsense logic. Nothing can kill the Babadook.

We have to shut. horny. down. And maybe not just for those in political life. How about for every person with a net worth over, say, $100 million dollars?

You want to accumulate wealth at that scale? Sure, but it’ll cost you.

Imagine that world! Elon Mush and Grimes, the couple that makes me feel a very weird feeling inside? Guess what, they’re not together!

Mark Zuckerberg? He’s still a black-eyed immortal filled with synthetic blood. But he’s not procreating.

And Donald Tr/mp, son of real estate magnate Fred Tr/mp? He may never have even been conceived on that black autumn day in 1945.

Vote for a better future. Vote to ban horny.