How to Communicate Better With Your Partner
By: Sadie Lee
Tags: Communication, Romance, Relationships, Relationships Love Dating, Communication Skills

Tips to Improve your Relationship

This semester I learned a lot. I learned some from a book on attachment styles, some from a therapy bot with a relationship feature, and most from my first year of my Masters of social work degree. Most of it centered around communication, empathy, and truly being present for someone’s pain. I want to share with you what I learned because I think this can help to improve your relationships.

First, let's dive into the dialogue I had with my partner about our bathroom remodeling project:

Me: Are you going to do the baseboards? You said you were going to and I did all the work on them.

Him: I will. I'm just focused on other stuff right now and I don’t feel like working on that. It’s a lot of work.

Me: It’s been months. Why do I always have to nag you or start a project for you to actually do it?

Him: I just don’t want to do this stuff. It’s purely cosmetic to the house and not important.

Me: But I have to look at it! And you don’t appreciate any of the work I put in!

This was an actual fight we fight and then, I laid down actual ground rules. We could only ask open-ended questions, listen openly, and end everything with a compliment. The conversation went something like this:

Me: How do you feel about the bathroom project? I appreciate that you are willing to talk to me about this.

Him: I am feeling overwhelmed at work. What makes you want to tackle the bathroom? I appreciate your drive to work on things.

Me: I want it to look nice. What is it that you want our bathroom to look and be like? I appreciate you helping me fix this project, even though I started it.

Him: I want it to look “nice, but I also want it to be useable. What do we need to do next? I like that you are willing to talk with me about this.

This conversation was not organic. It also took twice as long as a short argument. But the aspect of complimenting and acknowledging what the other person had said, did get us farther. It also helped to just ask open-ended questions. Communication styles when agreed upon and practiced by both partners can be incredibly helpful.

Tips for a Healthy Conversation:

Learn how to use a reflective statement.

A reflective statement might be:

Initial Statement: I am so pissed you spilled milk on the counter and didn’t clean it up again!

Reflective Statement: It sounds like you are upset that I didn’t clean the milk up and feel that I have done this before.

Reflective statements help the person know you are truly listening. These statements are good for allowing someone to feel heard. This is a missing piece for a lot of our communication.

Pexels: Burst

Use “I” Statements:

Initial Statement: “You don’t do the dishes!”

Revised Statement: I feel like I did the dishes again tonight.

“I” statements help us prevent ourselves from playing the blame game with our partners. They also help us solely communicate our feelings and perspectives and leave room to hear the other person, without your partner feeling like they need to defend themselves

Pexels: cottonbro

Compliments:

Initial Statement: I picked up your niece from the airport today.

Revised Statement: I like that you trust me to handle things for you.

Compliments help us look at all the strengths our partner has. It helps them feel understood and it helps us remember that strengths come with weaknesses and vice versa. A lazy partner likely doesn’t nag you about things. Your Type-A partner likely helps motivate you. It’s important we acknowledge how great our partner is and treat them well. I know I am more willing to change my behavior if someone is complimenting me.

Observation:

Initial Statement: You just saw me clean off the bathroom counter and you just left all this stuff out on the counter!

Revised Statement: I noticed you moved your stuff back after I cleaned it off. Observations are not about blame. They are an opportunity for your partner to explain their behavior, without them having to get defensive. Observations also allow an opportunity for reflecting and problem-solving together.

The reality is healthy communication is not nearly as satisfying as yelling anger and frustration onto your partner. It’s harder to check in with your anger, your feelings, your thoughts, and your fears. It’s hard to work together and refrain from using unhealthy communication to overcome a fight. It’s also more likely to allow you and your partner to get closer, encourage productive communication, and help keep your bond strong.