Why are we so devastated when friendships end?
By: Holly Hall
Tags: Hurt, Friends, Sad, Friendzone, Friendship

You have been friends for 5, 10, 15 years. You met once a week had a couple of glasses of wine, met for coffee at the local café, and solved all the world's problems. We laughed, we cried, we became frustrated together and solve problems together. She is your best friend. She is like a sister to you, in fact, you even called each other soul sisters! And then suddenly the friendship is over.

I had a client ask me about this recently. She was very close to a neighbour for years and suddenly she could feel the distance, the cool detachment and she wasn't sure what was happening. The more she reached out the more often she was pleasantly rejected. You may wonder what is pleasant about rejection how can you put those two words in one sentence. You'll know what I mean, when somebody says oh I'll have to check with my husband or I would love to go but I promised that I would take my daughter to the mall. Always with a pleasant tone, a seemingly friendly apologetic excuse. But the problem is every time you reach out, you receive the same reaction. Sooner or later you realize you're being rejected.

This is what happened to my client. So she finally, lovingly let her friend disappear into the ethers. What was heartbreaking is that she would see her friend every day in the neighborhood but it wasn't the same.

Nowadays the ‘other’ neighborhood is social media. Now you may also witness their interactions on social media. This is even more misleading and hurtful, this, we do to ourselves. In my experience with the hundreds of clients that I clairvoyantly life coach through astrology I see what they're doing on Facebook and on Instagram and I know their lives and very often it's much different than what is posted. Most importantly how you interpret it is according to your own inner dialogue. For example, you may see your friend out having a glass of wine with another friend. And she may even post ‘having a great time with a good friend!’ Yet in your mind, your friend has a new best friend, she's hanging out with her all the time! They're besties!! They're drinking wine, having coffee, wow, this person stole your best friend! And in most cases, it isn't like that at all it's literally a one-off get-together with a friend they hadn't seen in a long time practically an acquaintance.

The other probability is that your friend may be reacting to a shift in their lifestyle that may be painful and being around certain situations becomes more difficult for them. I have seen this often when I take a look at the other people in my client's lives. For example, I had a client, let's call her Sheila, she became an empty nester. She is devastated, and she's having a much more difficult time than she imagined it would be. Now all of a sudden her friends that have their children still living at home makes it very difficult for her to hang out with them. Witnessing their children in the home or talking about her friend's children is not pleasant any longer. (or at least at that moment)

I have another client, I'll call her Monica. Monica has recently had a divorce, it was a painful divorce because it wasn't her choice and she is still hurt, broken, and suffering. Most of her friends are married, some of them struggling as well, but no one wants to talk about divorce and nobody wants to hear about it. It's very hard for someone who's in a marriage to understand someone's pain around a breakup. Especially for those, who are currently struggling in their own marriage. There iss some ego involved as well and maybe some embarrassment or shame because all her friends seen it coming. Suddenly she resists hanging out with her friends, it's uncomfortable being around them. Monica feels; even though it may not be true, that they are judging her. Monica's friend Jenny reaches out to her often, Monica refuses with no explanation and Jenny takes it personally. ‘I thought we were good friends, I hoped that when she's going through a tough time she would want me to be there for her?’ However, it's too difficult for Monica to not only accept the invitation but it's even more painful for her to explain why she cannot accept it. In fact, in some cases, the Monica's of the world can not see what they're doing, they do not understand the psychological basis of their actions.

But it runs even deeper than this.

There was a time in history, in fact, most of our history, where we lived amongst our tribe, our village, small and large towns. We did not travel too far in most cases. And therefore many of us lived amongst the people that we were born with. Relationships may come and go or change but since we lived amongst them, sooner or later we would circle back with each other, or at least we would see them around town. Now things are more absolute, that when something changes, there is likely a chance we will not get it back. I believe that some of our loss and our sadness is the ending of that part of our society as a collective. The last 100 years have changed everything.

Currently, we may make our family and our partners a priority in helping us navigate through life. Leaving the friends behind.

In a culture, tribal, village-like society, we would do this with her family but it would also be incorporated within our immediate environment, which would be neighbors, friends, and maybe even those we attend religious services with.

Therefore much of the sadness when there is a separation can be a ‘collective unconscious’ mourning of what was. Locked within our DNA we know that this is not the way our society should behave, this is not healthy and it's lonely for many.

So what can we do? The first thing is that, if you feel a distancing from a friend, keep the space open and inviting. Refrain from questioning, avoid taking the blame for it. If there is a specific incident that happened where there is hurt and pain, reach out, expressing that you would like to resolve this whenever they are ready, with love. Leave an energetic open invitation for them to enter back into your life at the pace that they feel most comfortable and when they are ready. You can do this verbally, you may write this or you may say nothing at all, just a simple hello or wave. You may add ‘I hope you're doing well.’ Or ‘I'm here whenever you need me.’

Secondly if you are the one with life changes that is making it challenging for you to be with certain friends, if you can, express that to them, you don't have to give them a lot of detail. Simply say, I'm going through a difficult time right now and it's easier for me at the moment to not attend that dinner etc…I just need time. Kind of “it's not you it's me” story, yet in this case it's true.

If the friend did hurt you in some way and it's not obvious to them, find the courage to at least write them a handwritten letter that explains it if you do this in text or email refrain from having a dialogue back-and-forth within that texting and email at the end of your explanation see if you would like to talk about this I will not respond via email or texting. Only in person or on the phone.

Often our personalities can change which makes us incompatible. For example, you may have had a people-pleasing, patient, servant orientated personality. And in the last couple of years that changed or you want to become much more assertive. You may have put up with certain personality traits around your friend that you found quite irritating but sacrificed parts of yourself in order to maintain the relationship. Now in a place where you no longer want to be that person and therefore the friendship is not in alignment with your new personality. It is just easier to walk away. Sometimes this can be an opportunity to share your voice to tell them you don't agree with them, Or you have a difference of opinion. It doesn't always work but it's worth a try before you leave.

Also honour of your pain look at your hurt as a placeholder. Deconstruct and dig deep into your past. More often than not, sadness or abandoned feelings that are overwhelming are attached to a series of past events that are somewhat related. If you can find another friend, therapist, or coach, with whom you can talk this through, they may be able to help you ‘collect’ the series and deal with the overall theme. This will create healing.

I do not believe this to always be true however in this case time heals all can definitely pertain to a situation like this. ‘Time’ doesn't mean that eventually, you will not feel the pain of losing a good friend. However, time may heal the separation and one day re-connect the friendship in a brand new way. Often we need circumstances to die off in order to rebirth another.

Namaste