how i’ve been feeling
By: Sky Toyne
Tags: Acceptance, Not Perfect, Forgiveness

how i’ve been feeling

today is the first day of October. it’s hard to believe that we’re already in the final stretch of 2020. i’ve been reflecting a lot lately on this year, on my high school experience, and even on my life, and i’ve realized a few things. there’s a lot of beauty in my life, and i know that i’m more blessed than most. i have an amazing family who’s supportive and generous. i have amazing friends who love me like family. i have lived in a beautiful town my whole life and have had the opportunity to have so many experiences. i’ve talked about my blessings a lot in these little journals. they are the beauty in my life. these are the things that are usually at the forefront of my mind and dictate the way i live. i live out of my love — the love others have shown me and the love i have for others. if you know me, you know that i’m generally very positive and see the good in all situations in people. in return, i’m usually more confident and happy. i’m able to give to others in a positive way — whether that’s by giving advice, being a patient listener, or by simply being unapologetic with who i am. it’s as simple as that. however, if you really know me, you that that’s not always how i live my life, and lately, i haven’t been living my life like that at all. i’ve had my fair share of pain, and even though it will never trump all of the beauty, the ugly in my life is still there and is still real. i’ve always struggled with comparing how i look, how smart i am, and how good of a person i am with those around me. to be quite frank, it has torn me apart for many years. i’ve also dealt with and watched my friends and family deal with terrible situations; we’ve lost people we love together and have had so many struggles with depression and anxiety. all of our lives were turned upside down by the coronavirus. i can handle change but really don’t like it, so when our senior year was cancelled and all of the events i look forward to in the summer were taken away and when important events of my freshman year of college continue to be taken away without any warning, it’s pretty disappointing. that’s a lot of ugly that i never could have prepared myself for.

as a kid, i always thought that bad things would never happen to me and have realized that i still live my life in that way. when there’s a hardship or i make mistake, i try to wipe it away and make my life perfect after that. it’s so hard for me to have problems in friendships or relationships because i don’t want someone’s idea of me to have a flaw on it — i want a clean slate, always. i want my life to be how i imagined it as a child: only beauty. however, that’s just not how it goes. if you mess up and say something hurtful to your best friend, they’re going to remember it, and it’s going to affect them. if you miss a point on that test, you’re going to have a lower grade in that class. if you make a mistake, you’re going to have to deal with the consequences. usually, i’m in a good enough place in my life that i can wash these flaws away and continue with my life as if none of it ever happened, but lately, i haven’t been able to. all of that ugly eats away at me. the pain tells me to overthink, be insecure, and that i am not worth the blessings in my life. yeah, the blessings are still there, but as long as i continue to let that pain lead my life, i’ll never be able to receive them for all they are. that’s a problem. if we live our lives out of the pain we have experienced, we’re only ever going to be in more pain. and, if we try to live our lives avoiding pain, we’ll always end up being disappointed. so, instead of letting all of that ugly control me, i’m going to give it away, and the way i give it away is by being honest.

here’s the truth: i’m not always the best friend or daughter or granddaughter or sister; i’m just not, but there’s nothing wrong with that. i’ve been difficult and moody and extra emotional and negative and probably not the most fun person to be around. i now know that, and even though i wish i could go back a year or four years or eighteen years and not have brought negativity into other people’s lives, i just can’t and am so sorry. at some point in your life, you have to come to terms with the fact that forgiveness is all you can ask for from people. you can do what you want to try to fix a problem or fix yourself, but in the end, asking for forgiveness is the only way you can not only heal but grow. so this is me letting it go. this is me walking away from the ugly and walking back into the thankfulness for me blessings. and, while i know that there will always be pain and that i will continue to experience more pain throughout my life, i also must remember that that’s not what my life has to be dictated by and that beauty can be pretty powerful too.