In and Under Control: The Joys of Being a Switch
By: M. Howard
Tags: Self, BDSM, Relationships, Sex, Sexuality

In and Under Control: The Joys of Being a Switch

You don’t have to commit to just one role during sex. Why not switch it up and try both?

Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

With a highly demanding career where I am confronted with being in control of people all day long, then coming home to continue wifey duties and motherhood, it is no wonder that I like letting go and being the submissive in bed. I can forget the pressure of telling someone what to do and when to do it and just follow orders. It is a release that I don’t get in other avenues of my life.

But sometimes those moments of taking orders and succumbing to someone else’s idea of fun can cause my inner control freak to surface; suddenly I want to hit the pause button, tap out, and tap back in as the controller of the sexcapade.

Sometimes my partner is willing to roll with the punches and relents to giving me control. Other times I become the bad girl and get punished. Either way, I find that more often than not, I enjoy being both in control and under control during sex. I’m a switch.

Defining Switch

According to the article, “What does it mean to be a ‘switch’ in bed? It isn’t just about BDSM” in Men’s Health, “A switch is someone who likes to be dominant and submissive in bed, depending on how they feel in that moment.”

The term doesn’t have to relate specifically to a sub/dom role commonly seen in BDSM relationships. In fact, most people tend to have more dominant or submissive tendencies in many facets of their lives.

Do you enjoy planning your family’s vacations? Scheduling your appointments or deciding the layout of your living room? You may have a more dominant personality.

On the contrary, if you don’t mind sitting back and letting your co-workers decide where you’re going to go for lunch, your partner makes your weekend plans, or you can’t commit to things until you have heard what everyone else is doing, then you may lean toward a more submissive personality.

When it comes to sex, it is no different. There are those that like to lead and those that like to follow. Or perhaps you like a little of both.

Benefits of Being a Switch

The idea that someone can change their role during sex provides partners with a unique opportunity to explore both their dominant and submissive sides without having to commit to just one role for the entirety of a relationship or even just a sex session.

If you find that you are comfortable being both in control and letting your partner take control then you may be more of a switch. Some people can switch roles depending on their mood on a given day or they can switch their roles even during sex.

One of the biggest benefits of being a switch is your ability to move between being dominant and submissive. Maybe you start off by telling your partner what you want to do first or leading them toward a sensual massage during foreplay. Then they turn over and start engaging you in giving a blow job or encourage you to ride them cowgirl.

Either way, you have gone from one role to the other in the matter of a sexual encounter and that can be as much fun as being only in control or strictly under control.

Challenges

Exercising the ability to switch during sex may take some practice if you tend to find yourself having a natural proclivity toward being submissive or dominant with your partner. Some people find that they are able to be more submissive with one partner and dominant with another.

Many times a dynamic develops when we first meet someone and have sex for the first time. As we continue to engage in sex and get to know one another more, that dynamic becomes more established and it can be harder to diverge from the roles that have been set.

Even during dating, I get potential partners who ask if I am more submissive (which women naturally tend to lean toward as men tend to lean toward dominancy) or dominant as part of the initial “interview” or “vetting” that takes place before you have sex with someone new. My experience has led me to conclude that while men tend to lean toward dominancy, they can enjoy relinquishing control to their partners just as much as their partner may enjoy relinquishing control to them.

Trying it Out

If you and your partner are keen to try switching roles, there are several things you may want to consider.

One is communicating expectations which will allow both parties to understand their partner’s perspective on role switching. Are you interested in telling your partner what to do, such as demanding they perform cunnilingus on you? Or maybe you are more interested in having control of your partner by restraining them so that they cannot touch you? Switching can allow you to do both!

During sex is a great time to exercise your control over your partner. Telling them which position you’d like to do, moving their hand or mouth to where you want it, and deciding which order you want to do things can all be ways of being dominant.

If you have been dominant and want to try submission, you should listen to your partner and follow their wishes. Proving to your partner that you are a good listener and want to please them will allow them to feel more comfortable in the role of being dominant.

For someone who is naturally submissive to take on the role of the dominant can be a bit overwhelming, so be supportive by asking them if they’d like to do something or giving suggestions which can help lead them into a more dominant space.

Giving and Receiving Feedback

Finally, after sex, you and your partner can give each other feedback on what worked well or what didn’t work as well for either of you.

When giving feedback to your partner, focus on being open and honest with them about your experience. What did you like or what wasn’t working for you? What could be improved for next time?

Listening to feedback can sometimes feel critical and critical often leads to negative feelings. Remember that the key is to hear what your partner has to say, listening without assuming, and then asking questions to help bring clarity to anything that was unclear.

Overall, communicating after trying something new with your partner in bed is important for building relational capacity. The idea that we can relate to each other will help build our bond and cause us to move forward in our ability to try new things without fear of what our partner will think or how they will judge us.