No One Gets to Pressure You into a Polyamorous Relationship
By: Ella Figg
Tags: Relationships, Sexuality, Love, Self, Life Lessons

Too many partners in the bedroom wasn’t for me, in my limited experience. To be fair, I’d seen my own parent’s marriage combust under the weight of their attempts to maintain an open marriage. So I had reason to be concerned. Yet there was also my own personality to consider. I prefer monogamy, 1 partner. Simple, or as simple as love can ever be for me. I know others who’ve managed polyamory well. However, I had no desire to attempt that type of relationship.

This was what I explained to a boyfriend after he brought up the subject. He was honest. There was a third he was interested in bringing into our relationship and wanted to know if I was keen. I’ve no doubt he expected me to say yes, as I often did to his suggestions. When my reply was the opposite, his smile stopped touching his eyes.

Come on,” he coaxed. “How do you know you don’t like it unless you try it?”

This annoyed me. Polyamory isn’t some foreign dish you have to taste before you decide if you like it or not. There’s a difference between opening your mind and opening your heart. And Polyamory demands the latter more than the former. In fact, there are several ways to know if you shouldn’t get involved in that romantic lifestyle.

You’re easily paranoid

Throughout my formative years, I constantly felt like people, including friends, were talking behind my back. I was that annoying person who apologized if I thought I’d offended someone for any reason. The idea that my friend group did things like go to the mall without me was maddening. Not because I wanted to go to the mall, but because I hated feeling left out. Worse, I hated feeling like everyone hated me.

Here’s the thing, they didn’t. It was my own anxious brain playing tricks on me. The same anxious brain that I knew would not be able to handle having a third in our relationship. If you’re already growing worried about the idea of your partner liking the other person more than you, don’t go any further without some professional help.

You’re only thinking about it in terms of sex

One threesome does not a polyamory make. Couples engage in kinky sex all the time. It’s for the thrill. Usually, the threesome is meant to include that extra as a trusted partner only for that night. After that, there is no emotional connection. Very WHAM! BAM! Thank you, let’s do it again in the future but no worries if not, ma’am. I’d even considered a threesome with a previous partner if he could find a willing participant who I got the choice to veto if I didn’t approve.

Polyamory, as mentioned earlier, would require both of us to become emotionally invested in this other person. So I couldn’t just think, “Oh, we’ll have sex with her, and then she’ll be gone.” In reality, she would not fade away after a one night stand. She’d be a part of our lives, and I didn’t have the emotional bandwidth for that.

You’re in love with the idea of monogamy

Call it old-fashioned if you wish, but many people out there are happy with monogamy. There is something very sexy about believing you have another half and then (gasp!) finding that one. I personally want to be with someone who I feel only wants to be with me, albeit with a few wild sex parties thrown in because we’d both like that. If you can’t picture yourself happy in a polyamorous relationship, then there’s a good chance you won’t be.

You’re trying to fix chemistry in the bedroom

This is embarrassing, but at the time of this conversation, my partner and I were struggling to get intimate. Yes, we were stressed from work, but looking back, our styles didn’t quite jibe, nor did our internal sex clocks. After the first rush of lust, we failed to find our groove in the sack. A small part of me thought that, maybe, if I said yes to his request we could magically fix our problems in the bedroom. Maybe he simply needed the stimulation of two women. At the very least I could learn from her.

I can’t believe I have to say this but I will since I thought the same thing. You should NEVER get in a polyamorous relationship to fix your sex life.

You feel like you’re being forced into it

After calling me a prude, my partner kept trying to cajole me into agreeing to the new status quo. He even introduced me to the person he had in mind, a mutual acquaintance who I did like very much. I’d even consider a threesome with her if that were the subject being discussed. Yet I could not bring myself to share a partner long-term.

The gentle cajoling turned to mean words and mocking. Our struggles in the bedroom intensified, him loudly sighing when I lie beside him after failing to reach climax. Nearly every week tell me about his OTHER friends who were doing well with polyamory. He’d exclaim that my refusal was destroying our chance at happiness. Couldn’t I just try it out?

We didn’t last much longer after he brought the subject up. Which is fine. When it comes down to it no one can force you to want to have a polyamorous relationship. It’s up to you. And if one partner wants it while the other does not that’s a tough issue. Either someone agrees, it doesn’t happen, or there’s a breakup. We did the third. I don’t miss him or think I missed an opportunity at something amazing. Being in a monogamist relationship now shows me that I was right not to budge.

Be confident with your sexuality. The only prudes out there are those who judge others, not those who know their comfort zones. Try new things when you feel ready, not because others are telling you it’s the right thing to do.