TSA Pre-Check: The Waiting Is the Hardest Part
By: J.M. Buck
Tags: Airports, Airlines, Funny, Government, Tsa

Endless TSA mouse maze at Kahului Airport. Photo: J.M. Buck

Since I travel a lot between the Hawaiian Islands, I decided last month to sign up for TSA Pre-Check. “Universal Enrollment” they call it. I had spoken with a few friends who went through the process; it sounded rather straightforward and they had gotten their Known Traveller Number (KTN) within days of their interview.

I got an interview very quickly; in fact, I was able to choose the date and time that I wanted. I guess not too many people in Hilo are are taking to the unfriendly skies on a regular basis. After answering a litany of inane questions and having every line and whorl of my fingers and palms scanned, the self-important little fireplug of a woman at the interview office assured me that I would have my KTN the following week; I could find it online.

Fast forward three weeks. Still no KTN. I call the number on the Universal Enrollment website and immediately got a very nice rep who looked into the delay. Turns out the person at the Hilo office didn’t submit my credit card payment until two weeks after the interview; it was supposed to be submitted to TSA by the next day. He said he’d expedite my application and I should have my KTN by the next day.

It’s a week later. Still no KTN and I’m flying to Maui tomorrow, so I call TSA again. After pressing an endless list of numbers to reach a live human being, I get transferred to a “hold” recording:

”Thank you for holding. All of our customer service representatives are busy assisting other customers. Your expected wait time is less than one minute. Please continue to hold and your call will be answered in the order it was received. Status updates are also available online. Please visit Universalenrollment.dhs.gov to explore options available on our self service website.”

ME: Wow, these guys are so efficient! I’m glad they are well-staffed and can take care of customers so quickly. Pretty impressive for being a government agency.

One minute of really bad, tinny jazz trumpet later:

“Thank you for continuing to hold. All of our customer service representatives are still busy assisting other customers. Your expected wait time is less than two minutes. Please continue to hold and your call will be answered in the order it was received. Status updates are also available online. Please visit Universalenrollment.dhs.gov to explore options available on our self service website.”

ME: Hmm. Okay. That’s a bit odd, but I can handle that.

One minute of the same annoying music later:

“Thank you for continuing to hold. All of our customer service representatives are still busy assisting other customers. Your expected wait time is less than three minutes. Please continue to hold and your call will be answered in the order it was received. Status updates are also available online. Please visit Universalenrollment.dhs.gov to explore options available on our self service website.”

ME: Seriously? Those liars. I wonder if the next recording is going to say my wait time is less than four minutes.

One more minute later:

“Thank you for continuing to hold. All of our customer service representatives are still busy assisting other customers. Your expected wait time is less than five minutes. Please continue to hold and your call will be answered in the order it was received. Status updates are also available online. Please visit Universalenrollment.dhs.gov to explore options available on our self service website.”

ME: Hey! They skipped ahead a minute! Not fair! I want my place back in line at less than four minutes! This friggin’ government agency is ripping me off through my taxes and now they steal a minute of my life.

Yet another minute later:

“Thank you for continuing to hold. All of our customer service representatives are still busy assisting other customers. Your expected wait time is more than five minutes. Please continue to hold and your call will be answered in the order it was received. Status updates are also available online. Please visit Universalenrollment.dhs.gov to explore options available on our self service website.”

ME: Screw this.

Just when I thought I was going to be feeling special and privileged at the airport….