Don’t Become Someone Else’s Collateral Damage on Their Way to Self-Discovery
By: Jennifer M. Wilson
Tags: Self Improvement, Sex, Mental Health, Love, Relationships

Don’t Become Someone Else’s Collateral Damage on Their Way to Self-Discovery

Know your worth. REALLY know your worth.

Photo by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash

At some point in your dating lifetime, you learn what it’s like to have someone else as your “rebound” relationship or what it feels like to be the rebound.

A rebound is a relationship (even if a short fling) with someone else shortly after the ending of a more significant relationship instead of using that time to heal and get in the right headspace for someone new.

It’s not always a bad thing. The expression “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone” has its merits. It’s easy to obsess over an ex; inserting someone new in the picture can break the cycle of repetitive thoughts. This works best when both people agree to the no-strings-attached condition of sex.

It’s a whole other ballgame when you’re the collateral damage on their way to self-discovery.

Some people are by nature selfish and self-serving. During a time of rebound and self-discovery, no one is immune from becoming somewhat selfish. It’s necessary to learn who we are at that moment, who we want to become, what we need to fulfill our goals in our next life chapter.

It’s understanding to miss the signs of someone else in self-discovery mode. Naturally selfish people aren’t stealth in their ways and they’re easy to spot after a few interactions. Someone under self-discovery isn’t aware that they’re selfish. It’s often a temporary state and they’re otherwise good people. After all, the first rule of self-awareness is becoming aware that you aren’t self-aware.

While it’s great that they’re going through a personal metamorphosis, that doesn’t mean you need to stick around and take the hard knocks on their path. How do you do that?

By knowing your worth.

So cheesy. I cringed as I typed it. Hear me out.

If you are on your path of self-discovery, it’s difficult to understand your boundaries, your interests, your goals, and everything else that would make for a sequel to Pixar’s Inside Out.

Know your worth: basic human rights

If you struggle to identify your worth, first think of the rules you would apply to every human, such as:

not tolerating physical abuse.

not tolerating blatant verbal abuse (such as “you’re stupid” or “you’re so fat”).

not tolerating theft or damage to your belongings.

not getting involved with someone who was incarcerated for any of the above reasons.

The rules you apply to every human are typically very blatant and black or white. They’re easy to identify. Unfortunately, for many people, this is a boundary that is difficult to enforce.

Know your worth: the bare minimum of dating

Next, think of the rules that you would apply to all humans but more nuanced. They’re more specific to you but most would agree, such as:

not accepting proclaimed “harmless” flirting.

not accepting offhand insulting comments (“careful with those cookies, you’ll end up even bigger”).

them going off on a “guys’ weekend” or “girls’ weekend” with loads of alcohol and partying without checking in if they promised to do so.

keeping you hidden from their family and friends

mooching off you financially because they make poor financial choices

Know your worth: the rules specific to you

The hardest list to determine your worth is the list of acceptable behaviors applicable to you. No one else can make this list for you. To identify them, think of things in the past that made you feel bad but you couldn’t quite articulate why or you felt irrational so you brushed them off. In particular, these are things that people do when they’re going through a life change, major relationship change, and all-around path to self-discovery.

Since the list is unique to you, here are some of my rules I’m putting on my list.