if you’re trying to be perfect then you’re just a liar.
By: Sky Toyne
Tags: Suicide, Depression, Perfectionism

if you’re trying to be perfect then you’re just a liar.

i’m going to start this off brutally honest: i’ve always been pretty bad at processing my emotions. sure, i wasn’t the kid who threw themselves on the floor in the middle of the grocery store or became violent and physically hurt people when i was upset. however, i’ve always found ways to mentally hurt myself and the people around me. i would plot the best way to make the person that made me upset feel bad about themselves. sometimes this would mean screaming “I hate you!” or telling my parents that they were terrible parents. other times this meant running away from home and hoping someone would kidnap me so my parents would regret their decisions. yeah, pretty dramatic. however, i think the worst coping mechanism i learned as a child was to mentally abuse myself. i remember when i was still in elementary school and my mom got mad at me for leaving the freezer door open. obviously this wasn’t really that big of a deal, but i got so upset that in that moment, i was sure that i wanted to kill myself. did i really want to kill myself and did i even understand the idea of suicide back then? no, but in that moment, i couldn’t handle the idea of making a mistake so much that i thought offing myself was the next best option. i held this belief for most of my preteen and teen years. every time i messed up, i beat myself up so much that i didn’t see any point in being alive. i would get in trouble or embarrass myself or simply make a mistake and my best way to cope with it was to think about killing myself. i never made a plan or had the will to actually do it, but these thoughts were the best way i knew how to cope with my imperfectness. this is all very intense, but it’s the truth. the worst part is, i know this is the truth for many people. this idea of not being good enough to continue living is so real for some people that they really commit to the idea and do it. they take their own life because they feel like that’s the only way to get rid of the pain. and when we’re having good days, days where everything is right and we’re content, this idea of not being alive anymore is such a stranger. now that i’m older and have gone through experiences with suicide, it’s hard to believe that there have been times that i truly thought that was my best option.

this is all not surprising. i became the child who jumps to extremes because that was the way i learned how to cope with extreme emotions. instead of trying to understand why i was so angry, or sad, or fearful, i let those feelings consume me. i let them become permanent instead of realizing that they were only temporary. it’s so hard for me to make a mistake because it always feels like it’s the end of the world. for my whole life, i’ve always been obsessed with this idea with being this whole, pure, perfect person. i wanted everyone around me to know it too. when i’d mess up or cry in front of people or lash out or get the wrong answer in class or miss a shot in my middle school basketball game, i would be so embarrassed and angry with myself because i couldn’t bear the idea that the world had just witnessed my humanness. it’s so silly. we hardly care when other people make mistakes, but when we mess up, it’s feels like everyone was watching and is writing us off as “not good enough” in their heads. this perfectionism has even hurt the people around me. i used to be so upset when my grade got below a 97 in high school. i hated it. not only did i need to have straight A’s, but i needed to have higher straight A’s than everyone else. if i didn’t, i felt as though i was dumb and unworthy. when other people had lower grades, i didn’t label them as these things because that would just be silly, but when it came to myself, it was routine.

there are probably a lot of reasons for this issue that my therapist is trying to figure out as i write this. my inability to cope with intense emotions may be because i was in a talented and gifted program as a child and believed that i was supposed to be “better than the rest.” or maybe it’s because i took on the perfectionism that runs through my highly competitive family. what i do know is that being this way not only hurts me, but it hurts the people around me. not being able to process my emotions and screaming at my family, friends, and my boyfriend is obviously not healthy. thinking that i may as well just die for a lot of my teen years is obviously not healthy. i think that through many years of dealing with this battle in my mind though, i’ve learned one important thing: processing your emotions starts with being honest with yourself. if i continually try to push down these intense feelings and thoughts and pretend that i’m still this perfect person, i’m just lying to myself. let’s be honest. i literally suck sometimes. i’m such an awful person to be around when i’m stressed or sad or angry. why? because i can’t just be vulnerable and say, “hey everyone! i’m a super imperfect person and am super upset about this thing and really need some help!” if i could just stop for a moment and let myself process what i’m feeling before i act on pure emotions, i’d sure save myself a lot of trouble. but, in order to do this, we have to accept the fact that we are experiencing something imperfect at the moment and that’s okay. it’s okay that that thing made you upset! it’s okay that you’re sad about that! it’s okay that you’re so mad at them! it’s okay to feel as long as we can understand why we’re feeling and how we can cope with it in a healthy way. and, here’s the bottom line, by you coping in this unhealthy way of lashing out and becoming angry with yourself, you’re hurting others. you’re projecting your hurt onto other people, and you’re preventing yourself from growing. that is not fair to the rest of the world or yourself.

so, if any of this has been relatable to you so far (hopefully it has or i guess this proves that i really am a crazy person), i want you to understand that it’s okay. you’re not alone. and, this is the best part: there are ways that you can overcome this. the next time you’re angry or upset, stop. write it out or pray or talk to someone you really trust. before you let the emotion take over, speak out what is on your heart. if it’s mentionable, it’s manageable, and the real secret is, everything is mentionable. after speaking out what is hurting you into the world, forgive yourself. this is going to feel so unnatural and difficult, but if you keep practicing this, it’ll eventually become a habit. and yeah, you’re going to mess up, and you’re still going to act purely off of emotion sometimes, and you’re going to be overwhelmed with shame and regret. but, as long as you forgive yourself and are honest with yourself in the idea that you’re imperfect, you’ll find your way to being healthy again.