Sexy New Year’s Resolution: Lose the Weight, Find My Sex Drive
By: Holly Bradshaw
Tags: Health, Relationships, Self, Sexuality, Weight Loss

“I hear you’re losing weight again, Mary Jane. Do you ever wonder who you’re losing it for?”

— “Mary Jane,” Jagged Little Pill, Alanis Morissette

That lyric spoke volumes to me growing up. As a teenager, I’d be driving around in my beat-up white station wagon, blasting Jagged Little Pill and rocking out to Alanis like I was cool.

I wasn’t old enough to appreciate the album until close to a decade after its release, but once I fell in love, I memorized all the lyrics. And when this line came up, I had an answer for it in my head. Every single time I heard it.

“I want to lose weight for me.”

I understood this line to be a commentary on how we shouldn't bow down to pressures from society or the people in our life. We shouldn’t be focused on doing something because it makes someone else happy. But when it comes to losing weight, I’m thinking about what would make me happy. And not only that, but what would be good and healthy for me.

After the year from hell we’ve all been through, I’m probably in the worst shape physically that I’ve ever been in. I’m still generally healthy, thankfully, but with the way I’ve been abusing my body, that won’t last long.

And I really do feel out of shape. Not only am I the highest weight I’ve ever been, but I’m also the most sedentary I’ve ever been. I’m at my desk for my full-time job. Then, after work, I’m sitting down to write about what I love. I also sit for hours to run and edit my sex podcast, which I’ve recently added to my creative schedule.

I’m the most creative I’ve ever been, but I’ve stopped exercising.

I’m also drinking like a fish, binging on junk food, and feeling zero energy. I’ve lost all motivation to do the simplest physical tasks, like laundry or cooking dinner.

It’s no surprise that I’ve also lost my sex drive. In a big way. And so has my husband.

What’s the one common factor between us? We’re both not exercising, eating poorly, and gaining weight. It’s clear that if we want to bring our sexy back and get the energy to even get it on with each other (let alone others, as we talk about opening our relationship), it’s time for us to turn things around.

So yeah, my New Year’s resolution is the basic bitch queen of basic bitch resolutions. But that doesn’t make it any less important.

Weight gain and sex hormones

There’s research out there that clearly connects obesity with the loss of sex drive. It’s not so much being overweight itself that’s the problem — it’s the health conditions that go along with it.

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room that no one who likes sex wants to hear about: erectile dysfunction. My husband and I have been dealing with his ED. It’s something he’s scheduled a doctor’s appointment for, which is always a smart step if you start having ED. While it’s often psychological, it can also be a result of poor diet or other underlying health conditions.

“Medical conditions such as high cholesterol and insulin resistance [an early indicator of type 2 diabetes] do have the ability to impact sexual performance, which in turn impacts desire, particularly in men. Because both conditions can cause the tiny arteries in the penis to shut down, particularly when vessel-clogging fatty deposits begin to form, impotence or erectile dysfunction is often the result.” — Andrew McCollough, MD, director of sexual health and male infertility at NYU Medical Center in New York.

And a similar phenomenon can occur in women. Blood vessels that lead to the clitoris can also be affected by these types of blockages, making us feel less sexually responsive.

My husband’s poor blood flow may not be due to any serious health condition (we hope), but still, I know there are diet and exercise changes he could make that would have a positive impact on his condition. That’s because we’ve gotten healthy together before.

We’ve lost weight and exercised together, and when we are on those health kicks, our sex life soars.

There’s also evidence that shows even losing a little weight — say, ten or fifteen pounds — will stimulate our sex hormones and help kick-start a low-libido. And by working out and eating more nutritious foods to lose the weight, you’re also giving your body what it needs to get that groove back.

It’s true too that weight gain itself can affect natural chemicals in our bodies that impact sex drive. The more body fat you have, the higher your levels of a natural chemical known as SHBG (short for sex hormone-binding globulin), which binds to the sex hormone testosterone. Many doctors believe that the more testosterone that is bound to SHBG, the less there is available to stimulate desire.

It’s very possible that my husband has always had a testosterone deficiency, and our unhealthy lifestyle is making it even more detrimental.

All of these are brilliant reasons that should motivate us to change things. And, even though I always try to get healthy, every year, I’m thinking now I’m at the age where I need to make it stick.

This just happens to be New Year’s. And I happen to feel a desire to start turning things around. I hope I can stick to my goals because I want to have the best, most satisfying sex I’ve ever had.

My sexy resolutions

There are all sorts of reasons that I need to lose weight. Note that I didn’t say want.

My family has a history of high cholesterol, and mine is just short of needing to go on meds.

I have a seriously unsexy snoring problem that would actually be helped by losing weight. Gaining a large amount of weight, as I have done over the past five years, means more soft tissues in your throat that vibrate when your muscles relax during sleep. Losing even ten or fifteen pounds could decrease my snoring.

Losing weight by eating healthier and working out more would help me gain energy, which I’m seriously lacking right now.

I’d have to drink less alcohol in order to lose. I recently read a fantastic article by Ken M. Middleton about how drinking alcohol makes it nearly impossible to lose weight. I know that to lose weight, I’ll need to cut back. Like, way back. No more full bottles of wine in one sitting during the week. No more getting crazy drunk on both Friday and Saturday. No more work-outs that could have been, ruined by hangovers. My drinking has really increased over 2020, and it’s a big reason why I’m eating more crap and moving my body less.

I recently read a fantastic article by Ken M. Middleton about how drinking alcohol makes it nearly impossible to lose weight. I know that to lose weight, I’ll need to cut back. Like, way back. No more full bottles of wine in one sitting during the week. No more getting crazy drunk on both Friday and Saturday. No more work-outs that could have been, ruined by hangovers. My drinking has really increased over 2020, and it’s a big reason why I’m eating more crap and moving my body less. My losing weight will also make my family healthier. When I’m eating healthy, I’m cooking more and relying on fast food less. That means my son and my husband will benefit by eating healthier too. And they’ll even help out with the cooking if I ask them.

I will feel way sexier, and be more likely to achieve my sexual goals.

Some women love their curves. They love and feel comfortable in their fat bodies. I think bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and there is no judgment from me if a woman feels sizzling in her fat body.

But I never have. While I love my feminine curves in my chest and ass, my weight gain is incredibly disproportionate. It mostly collects in my stomach, a result of stress, sugary foods, booze, and inactivity. This kind of unhealthy belly fat also puts me at a higher risk for diseases like type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and cancer. Yes, I want to lose it to feel hot and sexy, but also to feel healthier.

With more sexual energy, I can focus on giving and receiving more pleasure.

I want to have more sex.

I want to strengthen my core muscles to make my orgasms feel hotter, better, and more intense.

I want a man to fuck me from behind and be able to fit his arm around me to play with my clit at the same time.

I want a man to be able to toss me around a bit and lift my weight when I sit on his lap and ride his cock.

I want my husband to be able to fuck me without losing his erection. (Note: this is about him getting healthy along with me and resolving his ED, not because he’s turned off by the weight.)

I’d even like to watch him with other women, so we’ll definitely need his cock to be in tip-top shape.

I want to venture into polyamory. Visit a sex dungeon. Swing for the first time. Date outside of marriage. Feel sexier than I’ve ever felt.

Resolve to try again

To be happy and healthy, you need to love the skin you’re in. You need to be comfortable with you.

That’s my goal here. I want to look good, but I also want to feel stronger.

Some people shun New Year’s resolutions, especially when they relate to weight loss.

But just keep this in mind: a new year is a fresh start. And so is a new month, a new day, a new hour. We may be afraid to make goals at the start of the year because we’re afraid we will fail. But if that happens, we can resolve to try again. No matter what time of the year it is.

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This story is part of Sexual Espresso, a weekly column published here on Sexual Tendencies.