4am though
Tags: Thoughts, Feelings, Hope, Heartbreak, Love

It’s currently 04:31am, I have spent the entire day watching “New Girl” and doing absolutely nothing except relating to the characters and having a small breakdown. I think I just clicked, I am 20 years old and honestly for being 20 years on this earth I feel pretty unaccomplished. Alright, I believe I’m still quite young, it’s normal but this is my thought process: If 20 years passed by like a breeze, then the next 20 years are going to pass by way quicker, and if in the first 20 I haven’t reached the point I thought I be in, then what am I doing? I’m sure by tomorrow this thought will be long gone; forgotten. But thinking about it even for a second, it’s scary.

You know what else I thought about today? My love life sucks. Again you’re going to think “you’re young, you have so much time” but do I really? For the past two years I have been stuck in the famous “hoe phase” without even being a “hoe” (maybe just a bit in university, but that’s a different discussion). Before you even think it, yes I did try to get into something serious. It failed. With two different guys. And it’s so draining to put yourself out there and give it your all only for a guy, that barely made an effort to know you, to call you “weird” because you showed that you cared. Here’s the thing: I always get male attention but that’s all it is, attention. It’s like I become this object for them to show off and brag about. I never had a guy actually care about me, and I mean ACTUALLY care about me. So now I just have fun with it. If you can’t beat them, join them I guess. Sure it’s a lot of fun, especially at my age, different guys, different sexual experiences, but deep down I know I want something more than just sex. I’m not complaining, I know my time will come. I know that someone out there will be all about me, in a good way, I’ve just lost a little patience. Especially since most of my friends are happily in relationships.

To be completely honest though, I know I can’t get in a relationship now. Well with an exception. Sadly, I love someone that I can’t have. And no he’s single, I’m single, no girl-code or bro-code involved. The problem is us. Maybe I can blame the pandemic for this disaster, but deep, deep, deep down I know what’s wrong. Aside from the other problems, we were the complete opposite of each other (cherry on top), in everything . Even our life styles. He’s a little rich boy that has had a pretty easy life with his future paved out for him. Meanwhile I’m the daughter of immigrants who have fought for a normal life (which ended up in my family’s and I’s favour). He’s quiet, very classy, serious and calm. Then there’s me, obnoxious and chaotic, not to mention very spontaneous (trust me it is fun but it won’t work out when you need to be serious and can’t figure out how). And those are just surface level differences, it’s worse when it goes deeper. I’ve known him for seven months and for the six months of those seven, he had become my routine. I mean he was there 24/7, and even though I don’t want to admit it, he knew me better than me. For a short period of time even I saw a future with him. Getting married, having kids and all that, which was weird and new for me, cause I despise the thought of marriage and kids and family vacations. But I know he saw the same future with me.

I realised that a month before I ended things. It hurt. It felt like I tore out my own heart. I had to do it though. We’re young, and in our case immature as well. I knew it wasn’t going to work out, after all we tried 3 times in a course of six months. It suddenly clicked in my head one day, that just because I love him, it doesn’t mean he’s the right person for me. Or it’s right person, wrong time, even if I don’t believe in that ideology. He still reaches out to me, I know he’s hoping for a re-start, a “let’s give this another shot”, but I can’t do it anymore. Mostly because he’s done a lot of brutal stuff that hurt me, and because in the last few months it was us fighting and making up, at least twice a day. I do miss him though. A lot.

I’ll call him Sam on here, because 1) you will probably hear more about him, and 2) to protect the privacy of both. But enough about Sam now. I didn’t expect to write about him or any of my thoughts. But it felt great. No one in my real life knows I feel like this so congrats, you have seen a part of me that no one ever has. I’ll talk to you soon, stay safe.

Aphrodite x