What I Wish Someone Told Me When I Had My First Abnormal Pap
By: Alexandra Ringer
Tags: Mental Health, Women, Health, Self, Medicine

What I Wish Someone Told Me When I Had My First Abnormal Pap

The mantra I didn’t know I needed.

Photo by Gemma Chua-Tran on Unsplash

The day I got my first abnormal Pap results is in the top 10 worst days of my life. I was at work sitting at my desk at work when I got a call from an unknown number. I answered and was told I had atypical squamous cells and was positive for HPV.

I knew zero about what this meant, but I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I immediately walked back to my desk, told my boss I was leaving, drove home, and cried. I called my mom after some google searches proclaiming, “I think I have cancer”.

Growing up female, we all learn the dreaded pap smears will come. They are scary at first but become routine. What we don’t do though is educate young females what it will be like if they are abnormal.

Because here is a scary statistic according to Dr Hugh DePaulo, “as many as one in 10 pap smears come back abnormal nationwide”.

I repeat — one in ten.

That is a lot of abnormal pap smears daily in a population of over 328 million people. This also means there is a lot of fear if we don’t start talking about what an abnormal pap is and what it means and does not mean about you.

Here is what I wish someone told me the second I received the bad news about my abnormal pap.

It’s very unlikely to be cancer — don’t think the worst.

I just wish someone would have used those exact words, immediately. When I was given my results, a lot of medical jargon was used, jargon that sounded like cancer.

It was not until two more doctors appointments, and a procedure later, did I finally just straight up ask, “Do I have cancer?”. Only then was I given the answer clear and straight, “No, you do not have cancer” and could finally breathe again.

By the time I had heard it though, I had shed plenty of tears and lost many nights of sleep over the matter, so I am here to tell you that an abnormal pap does not equate to cancer. And only 1% of abnormal pap smears ever do.

Let your abnormal pap stay just that, a pap smear that is not normal. One you and the doctors are going to look more into. Do not let the scary medical terms and talk of changing cells make you fear the worst.

It is not the C-word until it is the C-word. And when it is, you will be told it.

You are not alone — women of all ages, including people you know have been through this.

I felt like I was the only 20-something-year-old who had ever gotten this news. I had never heard from a friend or a family member that they had an abnormal pap. I had never seen one on TV.

I immediately felt alone. I immediately felt dirty. I immediately felt like something was very wrong with me. Then that same day, similar stories started coming out of the wood-works.

My mom told me she had an abnormal pap after I was born. My roommate told me she had gone through a similar experience a few years back. A good friend let me know she had her first abnormal pap that year too.

Again, 1 in 10 women go through this — we just don’t talk about it. We don’t post our abnormal results on our Instagram reels, nor bring it up at girls' brunch. But I bet you if you are brave enough to ask, you will find so many women who will share they have been through the same exact thing.

You are not alone in this experience.

You will never know what “caused” this — so don’t waste your energy digging through your past.

My thoughts immediately spiralled into my sexual history. I felt like my abnormal past must be due to something I did or something I had not done in my past.

I went through thoughts of every male I had ever slept with and thought maybe him? Maybe he gave it to me! I thought of the HPV vaccine I had as a child and thought, goshdarnit, it must be that.

I even thought about the sexual abuse I had been through — my trauma. I was sure my past negative experiences manifested this into my body. This is where all that unhealed pain was going to be showing up.

Here is the kicker though: I, nor anyone, will ever know the root of these abnormal cells in our bodies. Sure, we can jump to conclusions, but our bodies are miraculous things beyond our understanding. Often beyond scientists understandings as well.

Do not waste your precious energy, trying to find the root of these abnormal cells. Waste your precious energy instead on healing.

Control what you can — and let your body and doctors take care of the rest.

Similarly to how you will never know the cause of the abnormal pap, now that you know they are there, you can’t control them either. You likely cannot control the medical treatment you will receive or how long it may take to get that desired “normal” pap again.

The good news, however, is that you can control many things about your body, such as what you put into it and the tools you use to heal. You also can maintain your mindset and stress level while you go through this experience. Hello, meditation, yoga, and lots of sleep.

I google-searched a lot. I wanted to find the cure and control these cells deep inside my body. If someone would have told me to stick some herbs up my vagina, and this abnormal pap talk would be over — I probably would have.

But the way out of this situation is through it… and through it depends on you and your specific circumstance. Lean into your doctor. Do your research, so you feel empowered about your body and choices. Control your stress levels.

And let go of the rest. Your mental health will thank you later.

You stressing about your pap smear (now yearly) will only cause anxiety— twice.

I wish someone would have told me what a journey an abnormal pap is. There are paps and re-paps and procedures and waiting. For me, it was a three-year journey to finally hear those magic words: your pap is normal.

According to CDC guidelines on Pap smears, the recommendation for those with normal pap results is every 3 years. Unfortunately, but necessarily, that changes to every year for those with abnormal results.

Thus, you get to stress about hearing about your pap results every single year. But don’t worry about it twice! Stress about the results, sure but don’t stress about making the appointment or the appointment itself.

Yes, the process is not fun, but it is to make sure you are healthy. It is to make sure it does not become the big scary C word. And you know what a leading factor of cancer is? Stress.

The number one thing you can do to support yourself through this is to manage that.