Letter 2 — Beware the Call to Empathy
By: Ike Dillinger
Tags: Culture, Empathy, Fathers And Daughters, Fathers, Daughters

Empathy is important — of this there is no doubt. There is no shortage of theory and scholarship on the topic of empathy. Some define it as a virtue, others as a character trait, still others define empathy as a skill. I see no reason why it cannot be all of those things. However, this letter is not about what empathy is. Therefore, there will be no discussion of the semantics or theory of empathy. Rather, empathy, as it will be discussed in this letter, will refer to the popular conception and definition — which is more or less one’s capacity to understand the perspectives, beliefs and circumstances of others, even if your own perspectives or beliefs differ from theirs.

Why then, if empathy is so important, would I be telling you beware of it. The short answer is, because too much empathy can be just as destructive as no empathy at all. Again, it may seem counter intuitive to claim that too much understanding is a negative thing, but it is, and I will explain.

There is a difference between true empathy and performative empathy and those who participate in the latter are often unable to tell the difference. True empathy is a genuine capacity for caring and understanding. It is not predicated on being witnessed or validated by others. Performative empathy on the other hand is just that, it is a performance of certain rituals, activities and behaviours that are done with the intent of the performer to demonstrate and signal their empathy to others. Realistically, performative empathy requires no real intrinsic empathy at all, but merely the illusion of it, it is often a spectacle, even if it is a well-intentioned spectacle.

Empathy feels good. This is why you should be wary of it. Often, when we do things that make us feel good, we want to do those things more so that we can keep feeling good about ourselves. However, the problem with this is that eventually, our motivation for doing good things, or for being empathetic, becomes one of self-gratification. The behaviour becomes inwardly focused. That is to say that displays of empathy are performed not for the actual good that may or may not have been accomplished, but rather for the feeling it gives one about their own goodness.

Eventually, one begins to realize that this feeling of goodness is amplified when their performance is validated by the praise of others. Or if not by praise, the witnessing of the performance can also achieve this gratification. It is no longer enough that a person knows they are good or empathetic, but it now becomes essential that others see that as well. Similar to the three falling in the forest, if nobody witnessed me being empathetic, did my performance actually happen?

The problem with that approach is that eventually, the performer no longer considers the possible consequences of their action, behaviour or performance. Because the true motivating purpose of the performance is the immediate self-gratification, little if any thought is given to any possible outcome beyond that. The immediate goal of self-gratification is realized through the performance of empathy, and this is such a powerful motivator that the performer will not abandon the performance, or future performances, even when their performance contributes to the exact opposite of their ‘desired outcome’.

All that matters is that, in the moment of the performance, they can frame their actions as being informed by empathy, and that it be validated by onlookers. As a result, performers will participate in any and all type of destructive behaviour, so long as it makes them feel good, and so long as others can witness the performers demonstration of their own personal goodness.

In the real world, we can see this manifested in any number of ways, such as uncritically adopting theories into an educational curriculum under the banner of social justice, while ignoring the weaknesses and holes in the theory that erodes one’s ability (or willingness) to think critically or encourages adoption of confirmation bias. It happens when masses of people jump onto a social media bandwagon that actually suppresses understanding of the movement that it was initially meant to prioritize, as was the case with the “Blackout Tuesday” debacle.

Too much empathy going in one direction often results in not enough empathy going in the other. Sometimes that is ok. For example, Nazis and Nazi sympathizers deserve no empathy in this day in age. However, the vast majority of issues that we must address in any given day are seldom that cut and dry. For this reason, you must inform and temper your own empathy, so that you can accurately assess what is happening before you and avoid the pitfalls of performative empathy. Be kind and thoughtful people. Listen to, and consider, all of the arguments you hear and choose those that make sense to you and align with your values, not simply those that will get you a pat on the back or otherwise outwardly rewarded. True empathy requires no pat on the back, it only requires honesty and good faith. Go forward with that in mind and you will do well.

Your Loving Father