Life is a #workingitout journey. Mental wellbeing.
By: Punch S.
Tags: Meditation, Wellbeing, First Post, Mindfulness, Life Lessons

My first article ever in life, about life.

Under the 200-year-old Giant Tree, Chiangmai, Thailand

I just came back from a 10-day mediation retreat where you were forced to do nothing but focus on breathing and explore your sensations — all with the sole goal to achieve the state of “equanimity”. For someone who is quite hyper like me, this was no doubt a challenging trip. So even writing is not my strong suit (shame on me who used to major in English literature!), I decided to challenge myself and give it a shot to write about this experience as I also want to have a record, as well as able to share the learnings with others.

Though I understand the law of impermanence, I realize I only understood it in logic. During meditation, I experienced a lot of sensations — hot, tired, itchy, agitated, delighted and happy (yes, not all negative!). Despite hearing repeated teachings to not react to those sensations — no cravings for positives, nor aversions for negatives — some were just too strong and I had to give in. So when that happens, the best thing to do, as they taught you, is not to generate new sensations by feeling bad or frustrated about it, but just be aware, accept it, and learn.

Until around Day 4, I decided to push a little further — I mean, what’s going to happen if I don’t scratch away the itchiness I’m feeling on my left elbow? — I thought to myself. And that second when I realized that little elbow of mine no longer felt itchy — I felt surprisingly exuberant! Literally, it just added different depths into the logical understanding of “impermanence” meaning.

Towards half-way into the practice, however, I started having conflicting thoughts — is the whole idea of equanimity only helps you not to “react” to things, but what about how to “respond” to things? What about all these problem-solving skills, analytical skills that we are exercising everyday — aren’t they just the opposite to equanimity where you just need to remain calm, accept things as they are, and they will go away eventually? That doesn’t make sense. Everyday, especially at work, you always face with difficult situations that require you to solve, negative people you have to deal with — so what am I supposed to do — accept them and let go? I might as well just quit a job.

Then on Day 8, they introduced the practice of love, kindness, and positive vibrations. It actually sounded a cliché at first — I mean we all know and have heard the concept many times, but the real question is how many times we are actually able to apply it in life? It can be quite challenging (not to say I’m not a kind and loving person!) when you come across bad people, when you experience losses, or when you are treated with disrespect — to not “react” to these situations with the same negativity you receive. That impulsive reaction, as I learned from the practice, is the work of our “unconscious” mind. So once you learn how to observe sensations patiently with full awareness and without any reactions, you are finally able to remain calm and stable to sensations. And that unconscious mind will gradually decrease its power and finally you will be able to come to peace with those sensations you experience. Then, with the added compassion and positivity, somehow you are able to “respond” to such challenges with an elevated mind (is it a word?).

And THAT’s when I realized I mistook equanimity for “indifference” and detachment for “apathy”. The scary thing is when we can’t tell the difference and exercise the withdrawal approach instead of “balanced engagement” with these fluctuations of our lives.

I’m not saying I am now 100% equanimous, in fact, I’m probably still far from it. This is definitely going to be a journey that requires frequent practices and disciplines to “train” our mind muscles — the same way we’d train our body through regular workouts. Just like other aspects in life, this is a work in progress (including my writing skill!), a life’s work, and I’m still working it out the best I can everyday to make sure I progress, even in baby steps, towards a better me. 😇🙏🏻

Trust the process, give credits to progress, and things will fall into places.

“Things work out best to those who make the best of how things work out.”

Sunrise in front of the meditation center at Dhamma Sīmanta, Lamphun, Thailand

PS. English is my second language so please excuse my grammar mistakes or strange word choices.