Confessions of an Anxious Christian
By: Amos Caldwell
Tags: Anxiety, Christian Living, Mommy Bloggers, Christianity, Coronavirus

I’m sorry about the delay in blog posting, I haven’t given up! I have been fighting some seriously crippling anxiety the last three days. I’d like to be able to blame it on one thing or another and really pinpoint where the anxiety is coming from. Ultimately, I believe my anxiety is a blended cocktail of post partum anxiety and the overwhelming feeling of despair with seeing things shut back down because of the virus. Last night I was laying in bed wondering where is God in all of this chaos?

My two month old baby is a sleeper, in fact, all three of my kids have been sleepers. I often wonder if there is some sort of low energy sleeping gene that I’ve passed down to them. Last night though, Frankie was frantic. She was tossing and turning unless I was holding a pacifier in her mouth. It almost seemed like she was feeding off of my frantic energy. Once she was pacified she was able to fall soundly asleep and slept for 7 hours. I envy that kind of peace!

After seeing how my anxiety has overflowed onto my kids, I want to really think about what I can do to be calm and feel more in control of my circumstances. It seems impossible to feel any control in a world that appears to be spiraling, swirling down the toilet really. There are several disciplines that I have implemented in my life in order to feel more in control. I have proudly been working out for four weeks straight and I feel my body gaining strength again. I feel addicted to the ability to control my body’s fitness level. We have also cut out fast food and I have been cooking for my family daily and focusing on our nutrition. The new schedule and dealing with the details that I can control has really revitalized my spirit. However, I find myself late at night when I’m trying to fall asleep, still lacking peace and spinning over the uncertainties of tomorrow.

I know all of the verses about anxiety and trusting the Lord. I’ve heard them my entire life, I’ve memorized them and they come to my mind when I am at my lowest. Even though my mind knows and understands these truths about God’s faithfulness, He just feels so far away. I remind myself that we can never trust our feelings. Regardless of what our society tells us, “my truth,” is not truth. Trusting my instincts have lead me down paths of success and have also blown up fantastic opportunities. There’s no consistency in my emotions and they cannot be something that I put my trust in.

In Hebrews 6:19, we can read that Jesus is the “anchor for the soul.”

I can firmly walk with the truth that trusting in the Lord and keeping my eyes on Him can keep me from being tossed by the waves of chaotic circumstances and emotions. I’ll be completely honest, I’m upset with God, and I don’t always want to pray and dig into the Bible. I don’t see His hand working right now in the way that I think He should be. That’s how nearsighted and immature I can be. I’m not getting my way so I’m stomping around like a child in a temper tantrum. This is another point in my daily life where intentionality matters. Even if I don’t feel like reading the Word and praying, it is my responsibility as a believer in Christ to be intentional about my faith. I will never change God’s mind, but through reading the word and praying, He will absolutely change mine.

My roommate at Bible college would tell us before bed to “sleep sweetly.” She was referencing Proverbs 3:24 (ESV), “If you lie down, you will not be afraid; when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.” I know that is what we all crave this year where fear abounds, our lives have been upturned and we don’t know what the future holds. Seek the Lord, my friends, please pray for me and I will pray that your sleep would be sweet.