Real Life Situations to consider as a Young Boy Going to or In High School, and a Few Ways to Obtain Enthusiastic Consent.
By: Ryan G
Tags: High School, Consent, Sexual Harassment, Sexuality, Boys

Real Life Situations to consider as a Young Boy Going to or In High School, and a Few Ways to Obtain Enthusiastic Consent. Ryan G Dec 4, 2020·6 min read

As a student in high school, I was very sexually active, but I never knew the true meaning of consent. I did not know the consequences of my actions, I may have nearly committed a sexual assault, traumatized someone, or impacted their perspective on sex. School and Parents do not address the real life situations that young boys going into high school encounter around that stage, it is wrong to assume that these situations apply to every boy but they did to me, my friends, and according to the media possibly many other boys.

I would be a hypocrite to encourage abstinence when it comes to experimenting sexually, especially around the time you enter high school, it is when I was most eager, excited, and curious. Yet I had no clue about consensual sex and never even considered the human rights of a female I may have been violating or causing harm to. What followed was a long list of encounters I experimented with, with nothing more but information I gathered from those around me in my life (friends, family) and the media (television, music).

The REAL-LIFE situations that I will share may be relatable to other young boys going into or that are currently in high school. To whom ever it may be beneficial to here are a few of those situations.

- The are you up text, after midnight. If that message is received or sent and there is any sort of agreement to hang out at that moment than as a young boy, you are probably assuming this your chance and it is about to go down. That may be true, the girl may be expecting the same but hence the may be, she may want to just hang out or she may be considering it but is not completely sure and changes her mind. If you pressure, imply, or make someone feel obligated you are not getting consent and although the individual may participate it do not make it consensual. A girl can feel like she is obligated to participate if she can not leave, if she is put under pressure, even if she feels uncomfortable because the boy is acting different, like being mean or unfriendly.

- Tell her to bring a friend, bring your boy. A consensual relationship may have been established between a boy and a girl, these young adolescents are sometimes not allowed out the house without a friend especially girls and when your young sometimes it is just more fun to have a friend around as well. There is this motivation to hook your friend up so you have someone to talk about experiences with and for them to feel the same feeling of satisfaction as you, you want to help them, no harm intended. The problem is two people are randomly brought together and expected to experiment and those expectations do not only come from within but also from those friends that are hooking you up. It can be assumed that while the couple is engaging in sexual activity, that is the opportunity for the friends to hook up. If the girl does not put out, her friend might get upset with her and be disappointed, the boy in the relationship might get mad at the girl for bringing a girl that would not put out for his friend. All those assumptions and more can lead to a girl feeling obligated and pressured to participate in sexual activity she is not really consenting to.

- The way she is looking at me, she wants it. Nonverbal consent should be encouraged but never assumed, little hints like eye contact, smiling, winking, and gentle touching of the hand or arm can be used to develop a consensual relationship with someone. The assumption that a consensual relationship has been established should not be acted on without verbal confirmation of consent or some sort of appropriate agreement like receiving a nod before acting. Adolescent boys sometimes have the impression that just because they are talking to a girl or a girl shows interest by smiling or making eye contact, that the individual wants them and that they are allowed to touch them physically. A young boy can be under the assumption he is wanted, tell his friends and they would likely encourage the individual to act upon it and do something. The actions that may result from that are walking up to the girl, slapping and grabbing her ass or pushing up the male private part up against her behind, another one is putting the arm around the shoulder while by there side and laying your hand on her breast, these can all be suggested by a friend or you might have picked up the moves from a movie, tv show, song or music video. A girl can be interested but just because she is, and she is showing interest with nonverbal communication it does not mean that she is giving consent to be touched. As a young boy you may see that moment as she is flirting with you, you would not want to miss out on the opportunity and you do not want her to think you are not interested, so you might make that move. She might not say nothing because it is in public and she does not want to cause a scene or she may keep it to herself because she does not want you to think she does not like you or that she is not “active”, in other words fun and willing.

These are just a few of the many situations that a boy going in or in high school encounters, there are much more but I thought I would share the one’s I believed were most common because of my own experience and those around me.

An adolescent boy can be so eager, confused, and mainly unaware of what legitimate consent is, the importance of it, and how to obtain it that they dismiss it altogether in situations like the ones above.

It is important to experiment and to be sexually active if that is what one desires regardless of the age, once they are in high school you start to realize what you want to try and when you want to try it. This goes for all adolescent genders, it is making sure that the other individual is %100 on board and completely, appropriately agreeing to the same sexual activity in these real-life situations. Enthusiastic consent is what you can call it, not only can it avoid harm and the violation of rights, but it can also enhance the experience for both sides and result in a positive consensual sexual relationship.

Tips to obtaining enthusiastic consent:

- Avoid partners who are vulnerable: If they are particularly vulnerable (like heavily intoxicated, asleep, unconscious, or not of legal age), they are not legally capable of providing consent, and sex with them is by default sexual assault, no matter how interested they seem.

- Establish reciprocal interest before you start thinking about physical touch: flirting such as smiling and leaning in are ways of expressing interest but the other part of this is ensuring the intentions and expectations of sexual encounters align with both individuals. They might want a relationship and you just want a hook up, find out if that is okay with them.

- Negotiate consent verbally: Tell your partner what you plan on doing for/with/to them before you actually do it. That gives them a chance to process that info and decide whether they are on board with your ideas.

- Encourage your partner to say “no” (as well as “yes”) at any point: You can tell her that you want to make her feel good but that you are also committed to making her feel safe. Tell her if there is anything, you do that makes her feel slightly uncomfortable to tell you to stop or slow down immediately. You than do as told, you can also tell her to say yes to things she does approve of or enjoy. (Vrangalova)

Vrangalova, Z. (n.d.). Everything You Need to Know About Consent That You Never Learned in Sex Ed. Retrieved December 04, 2020, from https://www.teenvogue.com/story/consent-how-to