Reservation Confirmation for Your Holiday Stay 2020 at the Hotel California
By: Alicia Oltuski
Tags: Holidays, Humor, Hotel, California, Comedy

Dear Guest,

Thank you for booking your stay with us at the Hotel California for December 24, 2020 through indefinite! We are very much looking forward to welcoming you to our property and would like to assure you that late check-ins are accommodated at every hour. We consider ourselves “programmed to receive” and have staff on call to greet you at whatever time is most convenient. If you arrive after the hour of 1 a.m., you will find the night man at the concierge desk and he’ll be happy to help you with all of your check-in needs, make you feel relaxed, and to close the door behind you.

We have received some questions regarding our policies around COVID-19 protocols and would like to assure you that masks are optional here at the Hotel California, as you will notice that we follow more of a “permanent pod” situation. Despite the reluctance of some of our newer guests, we have also decided to proceed with our longstanding and unending traditions: nighttime dancing in the hotel courtyard, wine hours, and year-round nocturnal incantations up and down our corridors. We have decided not to cancel these activities despite medical advisement to the contrary, because they are a trademark and make us who we are (diseased). Should you wish to participate, a woman, along with an entourage of traditionally beautiful young men will be sent to your room to guide you, via candlelight to the festivities, which we like to call Kill the Beast and involve a litany of boar-on-the-floor style rules and, like that weird-ass game are also impossible to understand or predict, take place at a hotel, and are executed by people with little regard for the lives/dignity of other human beings. Please note that, although your escort has some very inflexible ideas surrounding addiction and blame, she, too, will not be wearing a mask, as she believes you can will your way out of contracting or spreading the novel Coronavirus, as well.

DIRECTIONS AND CHECK IN

The Hotel California is located off I-5 — look for the shimmering light, or just follow someone actively flouting public health measures in your area and eventually you’ll get here.

When you arrive, please use the abandoned parking lot by the beach, as our patrons have been barred from the town’s shared spaces. You can get your ticket validated at the front desk, or you can devise your own validation, or you can validate other people around you and they will, in turn, validate you, in a back-and-forth kind of way, such that all that is required for validation is a mutual agreement to refrain from holding yourself or one another responsible for your actions. At check-in, please have available your photo ID, and your alibis.

Room type: You have been booked in our California King Deluxe room, which does not include a California King size bed, but does have mirrors on its ceilings. We think you’ll find it a lovely place, but if there’s anything else we can do to improve your stay, please don’t hesitate to let us know. Feel free to address us as Captain, or honestly, whatever you want.

Check out: We used to request check-out by 1 p.m., but have found that our guests do not respond well to being given instructions they feel limit their sense of freedom, or even modest requests for considering the good of mankind, so honestly, just check out any time you like.