The Problem Solvers Caucus Solves Your Problems: An Advice Column for Problem-Solving
By: Sara Costello
Tags: Stimulus, Congress, Problem Solving, House Of Representatives

Looking for advice? Let us help! We’re the Problem Solvers Caucus, an honest-to-God Congressional group of moderate representatives! We are obviously very good at our jobs, because we’ve solved TONS of problems and you’ve definitely heard of us.

Let’s jump in!

Look, we have a logo!

Dear Bi-Partisan Representatives of the Problem Solvers Caucus:

I’m a single mother in a small town, working the night shift. Lately, finding a babysitter has been a daily, expensive struggle. I’m afraid that soon I’ll have to start choosing between staying home with my son and making sure our bills get paid.

I feel so alone right now. What should I do?

– Adventures in No Babysitter

Dear Adventures in No Babysitter,

Believe us, we know what it’s like to feel alone. We’ve dined solo at many, many fancy restaurants. But being alone doesn’t always have to be scary or isolating. Oftentimes, it can be a very refreshing, empowering experience.

Here’s our advice — embrace being alone! Turn off your phone, throw on some heels, and head to your local dimly-lit Italian joint. Read a book while sipping a glass of Malbec and cultivating an air of mystery. And make sure you order dessert! A Mom’s night out is just the thing you need.

Problem solved!

Dear Specialized Council for Troubleshooting,

I’ve been teaching for three years now, and I’m starting to burn out. Every year, I’m assigned more and more students, and I can’t possibly give all of them the help they need. Many of my kids can’t afford school supplies or even breakfast, and I worry about them all the time. I’m terrified that I’m not a good enough teacher to make sure none of them slip through the cracks.

Should I quit my job?

– Bad Teacher

Dear Bad Teacher,

Oh, Bad Teacher. You are more than good enough. While we hold space for your struggle, we ask that you reconnect with your unique vibrational frequency and trust that the Universe has placed you exactly where you need to be.

Have you ever tried meditating? We just started last week! It has helped so much with releasing ancestral baggage and destressing after lobbyist calls. We recommend that you spend time listening to our favorite YouTube shaman, Hugo, who hums quietly while playing a Tibetan singing bowl shirtless. It’s lifechanging.

(Also, have you considered a GoFundMe for school supplies?)

Problem solved!

Dear Highly-Qualified Issue Analysts,

Last week, I caught the flu. I had chills, a 101º fever, and I coughed so hard, I thought I bruised a rib. I knew I had to go to a hospital, but my vision was so blurred, I couldn’t drive. And since my insurance doesn’t cover ambulances…I called an Uber. I tried to hide it, but the driver knew I was sick, and he looked so defeated. He asked me to try not to cough, so his kids wouldn’t catch it.

I feel like a jerk. Was it unethical for me to take that Uber?

– Lost in Transportation

Dear Lost in Transportation,

Oh no! Figuring out how to navigate a city is never easy. Have you ever been on an Italian cross-country train? There are so many unwritten social codes to decipher! Seats can be totally up for grabs regardless of what your ticket says, the dining car is euro-only, and you only get the complimentary hot towels on the third Tuesday of the month.

Our opinion? Get the business class ticket. Sure, it might seem expensive and unnecessary at the time. But that extra legroom and free pinot grigio is going to keep you comfortable all the way from the Venice canals to the Roman colosseum.

Problem solved!

Dear Elected Officials of the United States Government,

I got laid off nine months ago, and as hard as I try, I can’t find another position. Unemployment didn’t cover my rent, but I couldn’t find a cheaper place with no job. I blew all my savings trying to keep up, even with my roommates helping where they could. And now, my landlord just threatened to kick me out if I don’t start paying him back.

My tenant union says that he technically has to give me five days’ notice before evicting me, but he’s an independent landlord who hasn’t followed city code before, so I’m worried he won’t this time, either.

I think I’m going to be on the street soon. I really need some help.

– Legal Eviction

Dear Legal Eviction,

Ah, the job search! It’s such a pain. If we never had to write another cover letter again, it would be too soon!

Here’s our secret tip — dust off your LinkedIn page. Have you thoroughly detailed your professional experience? Have you asked former employers for skill endorsements? Is your profile picture still your college graduation photo? (Oh boy, we hope not!)

And don’t forget to spice up your LinkedIn with a little personality! Do you run marathons? Speak fluent Portuguese? Take improv classes on the weekends? Throw that in there! Employers want to know who you are as a person, outside of being just another employee who needs a job to stave off hunger and homelessness.

Problem solved!

Dear H. Res Bi-Parts,

My Marble Queen pothos keeps losing leaves — help!

– Little Poth of Horrors

Dear Little Poth of Horrors,

Sounds like it’s root-bound! That means your plant has outgrown the size of its pot. Now the roots system has twisted itself into a tangled, lifeless mass, cutting off air and water supply and slowly killing your plant.

If your sick plant is root-bound, start by immediately removing it from the ill-fitting pot. Then, dismantle the suffocating root system, and give it the clean water, nutrient-rich soil, and warm sun it needs to survive. These are your plant’s basic, bare-minimum needs, and without them, it will die.

But if you can’t manage that right now, just leave it be. It should be fine for a couple more months.

Problem solved!