Fight Less in Your Relationship by Avoiding These 8 Mistakes
By: Jennifer Haubrich
Tags: Self Improvement, Conflict, Relationships, Marriage, Life Lessons

Fight Less in Your Relationship by Avoiding These 8 Mistakes

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The first time I moved in with a boyfriend I was 27. Living with him quickly made me realize that some of the ways I’d handled disagreements in past relationships were not only ill-advised but also impossible to do while cohabitating.

As someone who preferred to avoid conflict and just ghost guys who hurt me, I didn’t know how to resolve conflicts in a relationship I had made that kind of commitment to. I had moved all the way across the country to be with him.

Since it happened quickly, we were still questioning on some level the stability of our relationship and how long it would last. I think we both worried that every fight might signal “the end.” This caused tensions to rise quickly, even over relatively minor things.

I wondered if we’d ever get to the point where we didn’t fight anymore.

Now, many years later, we are married. I know we won’t ever stop arguing. And I kind of hope we don’t.

Couples who no longer argue about anything at all may include one or two people who have tapped out of the relationship. They either have stopped believing they can make things better, or they have stopped caring enough to even want to try. Neither are good.

When you realize this, you can see that some of the passion in your fights may actually be a sign of how much your partner wants things to work with you — and for you to see their point of view. This was certainly the case in my first big fight with my husband.

We did so many things wrong.

Many years later, I now know that disagreements and heated discussions are inevitable in any long-term relationship. But I’ve also learned ways to prevent them from turning into full-fledged fights.

We have, as the saying goes, come a long way, baby.

Here are eight mistakes I used to make when fighting with my boyfriend, and what I do now instead that works much better. If you can change even one of these habits by reading about it instead of living it, your relationship (and happiness) will certainly benefit.

1) Not giving him space when he needed it

When my boyfriend and I first had arguments he’d sometimes want to leave to get some space. I stupidly thought I needed to stop him. Blocking doors and standing in front of the car were included. These memories are both mortifying and hilarious now.

Maybe I’d seen too many movie scenes where the woman yells, “If you walk out that door don’t even think of coming back!”

This kind of attitude definitely makes things more dramatic, but creating drama is unnecessary in real life. There’s enough of it naturally baked in. So now I know better. If he wants to leave the room or even the house, I don’t try and stop him.

Walking away during an argument doesn’t mean either of us is giving up on the relationship.

In fact, I found it’s the opposite. It may only take 15 minutes until he calls from the drive-through line at Starbucks, we make up and he asks me what kind of coffee I want. Not high drama like you’d see on screen, but a much better (and easier) way to do it.

Other times we will retreat to our respective offices and emerge two hours later to work things out in a couple of sentences. This allows us to conserve our energy for other matters and prevent a conflict from escalating unnecessarily.

Now: If he wants to, I let him go, whether it’s to another room or another place because I know it helps him cool down and regain perspective.

2) Jumping to conclusions

When your partner does or says something that upsets you, it is easy to jump to conclusions about their intent, motivation, or some unknown behavior.

And you know what they say about assuming.

If something they do or say doesn’t make sense to you there’s a very good chance you’re missing a vital piece of information. So, before you freak out it’s much better to make sure you have all the facts straight.

Learning how to really listen and then asking questions to get clarification can go a long way to avoiding assumptions that make disagreements spiral out of control. You may have cause to be upset, but before you are sure, give them the benefit of the doubt.

Now: I ask questions to make sure I have my facts straight before getting upset.

3) (Trying) to ignore things that bothered me

We may think we are doing something good or even noble if we suffer silently for months while our partner fails to put down the toilet seat or won’t come along when you visit your family. We aren’t.

These annoyances can only add fuel to the fire of larger problems, so you need to be honest with yourself if they bother you. Worse, you can start to take their behavior as a sign they don’t care or respect your wishes or needs.

Being honest is key. Don’t tell yourself something doesn’t bother you if it really does. Instead, tell them how their behavior makes you feel and ask them what you’d prefer they do differently. Don’t expect them to read your mind.

There are no happy relationships where one person considers themselves a martyr.

Now: I tell him if something bothers me, without expecting him to mind read.

4) Making issues out of non-issues

The corollary to the above is this: Don’t feel that things should bother you if they don’t.

I used to hound my husband about not putting his dirty clothes in the hamper. I worried that I couldn’t consider myself a feminist if I cleaned up after him. But at a certain point, I gave up. In the grand scheme of our relationship, I decided it was a very minor annoyance that I could overlook.

Now it honestly doesn’t bother me.

Another way to think of this one is known as “picking your battles.” Some issues are worth it and some just aren’t. You get to decide which is which.

Even if I still make the occasional comment, I have let go of the anger and annoyance I once felt. And that feels great.

It may be one of his faults, but I also know I have plenty of my own that he puts up with. I forget passwords and require his help in accessing important sites. These things use to bug him and now he just accepts they are part of the package. They aren’t important enough to create a problem between us.

Now: I don’t feel things that would bother other people have to bother me. If I want, I can let them go.

5) Yelling instead of talking (and listening)

Many people don’t respond well to being yelled at. I’m one of them. I can’t think clearly when I am being yelled at. It causes me to lose at least 50 IQ points immediately.

When people yell it is most often because they are angry, a secondary emotion caused by either hurt or fear (or both). But it’s going to be very difficult for the person you are yelling at to discern this when you yell at them.

Other times it’s because they feel unheard. In this case, if you try to yell over them, it only makes things worse.

It might sound counter-intuitive, but you’ll make a much better case for your displeasure, hurt or anger if you don’t yell. Walk away, calm yourself down first if you must, and then have the discussion when you can talk instead of yell.

This also goes a long way to preventing conflicts from quickly escalating.

Now: I calmly relate my complaint. If my husband raises his voice, I (rarely — I’m human!) yell back. The yelling quickly stops because it’s unnecessary.

6) Focusing exclusively on who’s to blame

Sometimes the source of an argument is one partner’s behavior. That’s true. We screw up. We are inconsiderate, sometimes mean. But even in this case the mistake is focusing solely on what the other person did wrong and ignoring the real issue — how their behavior affected you.

Only focusing on what they did wrong is more likely to make them defensive, which makes it harder for them to admit their mistake and apologize.

A simple way to figure out if you are doing this is to notice if a lot of your sentences start with “You.” You never do this. You always do that. (While you are at it, banish the words always and never from your vocabulary during arguments. They are rarely true and only serve to heighten the other person’s feelings of defensiveness.)

Keep your goal in mind. It’s not just to make them feel bad. It’s to get them to see how they affected you and not repeat the behavior.

Your partner cares about you and getting them to focus on how their behavior affected you makes it much easier for them to see what they did wrong, admit their misdoing, and sincerely apologize.

Now: When my husband does something wrong I explain how his behavior affected me. When I do something wrong, I listen to his perspective.

7) Being unwilling to compromise

Not every fight is caused by one person doing something wrong. Sometimes it just stems from disagreeing about a particular topic. We each have our own point of view and are entitled to these. What we shouldn’t do is demand that the other person agrees with our opinion 100%.

I admit years ago I experimented with trying to impose my will upon certain situations with my boyfriend. It was never a good idea. Likewise, I bristle at the feeling of being bossed around.

The source of most of our arguments this year have been over our girls’ use of their smartphones. We each have our opinions, and we don’t always agree. We also know we are in uncharted territory.

In some cases, we compromise and in others, we agree to try the other person’s ideas to see how they work. Neither of us claims to have all the answers.

Now: We work together as a team to handle problems, not as competitors.

8) Arguing when tired (or drunk)

I don’t know what the origin of that old adage “never go to sleep angry” is, but I’ve seen it attributed to both the apostle Paul and comedian Phyllis Diller. Sorry Paul and Phyllis, but I adamantly disagree.

Everything is harder to do when you are exhausted, including disagreements and fights. In fact, some arguments we’ve had were only because we were both so damn tired!

So, I’ve learned to not even engage in an argument when either my husband or I am tired. Go to bed.

The same goes for when alcohol is involved. Like exhaustion, it clouds your thinking and impairs your judgment, make it more likely you will say things you will regret. Sleep it off.

You’ll both be in better shape to work it out in the morning, when, I have often found, the issue either evaporated or is at least far easier to resolve.

Now: I know better than to fight at night. We just go to sleep.