When You Say ‘Sorry’ You Undermine Yourself.
By: Asmita Karanje
Tags: Feminism, Sorry, The Bad Influence, Self, Advice

When You Say ‘Sorry’ You Undermine Yourself.

Photo by Waldemar Brandt on Unsplash

Being the “right kind of rude” isn’t actually bad, says Rebecca Reid, the author of the newly published book “Rude”

I am guilty of apologizing even when it isn’t my mistake. I say sorry even when I don’t mean to. We all do that, women — a little more than men sometimes. We have been trained to be polite. But, there is a thin line of difference between being polite and being assertive.

Just this morning, I apologized for being a few minutes late for an appointment. I said it at least thrice in our conversation. The first apology was enough to show I value the other person’s time. The second and third apology was uncalled for. The person didn’t ask for it. Some might argue it was my mistake, and such situations demand an apology. Agreed, but only once. The second and third apologies were really my inner guilt. Reid says when we say sorry in such a situation, what we actually mean is thank you — as we are grateful that the other person waited for us.

Being assertive isn’t bad

Standing up for what’s right isn’t rude. The author says we should get rid of words like “just”, “quick” and “I think”.

Have you sent emails that sound like this?

“I am just trying to….”

“Can you please take a quick look at…whenever you get a chance?”

“… so sorry it took me so long…”

I do it all the time. My emails are full of this. And they sound as if we lack confidence and conviction in what we are saying. In reality, I am being polite — a little too polite, perhaps.

And being a writer, I see them as fillers because we don’t know how to get straight to the point. Being direct and concise isn’t bad. In fact, organizations love that. Save time, be efficient and effective in your communications. Have you ever seen your leaders using those words in their emails? Nope, I have never. I bet you haven’t either. A leader wouldn’t be able to show confidence if they are constantly apologizing. We want to see strong leaders. So if we want to reach leadership positions ourselves, we ought to act like one.

My boss once told me, “you aren’t given leadership, you command it.”

So, if you don’t show confidence in yourself, why should others trust you.

What should you do?

Act like you own the place. You reply when you have the time for it. You aren’t replying late intentionally, you just don’t have the bandwidth to respond to all email within the same day. Don’t be sorry for something which isn’t in your control. And trust me, everyone’s in the same boat — so they don’t expect you to reply immediately either. If they do, it’s their problem.

You need to scrutinize the words you use — You are not just trying to; you are asking a question; you are seeking information; you are scheduling a call.

You say it the way it is. You have got nothing to lose. Only respect and self-confidence to gain.

There are several email plugins that also highlight these words. Use them to be more assertive.

The words you use in your emails, conversations, and thoughts give a lot of insight into you as a person. Sorry is a powerful word. It shows the other person you care about. But it also says you accept the mistake. Don’t use it lightly. Use it when you really mean it.