Here’s How a Former NFL Linebacker Defines Sexual Consent
By: Acamea Deadwiler
Tags: Rape, Masculinity, Feminism, Sexual Assault, Women

Here’s How a Former NFL Linebacker Defines Sexual Consent

Normally, I’m against men defining anything for women as it feeds the sexist notion that men know what’s best for everyone. Also, because unless you’re a woman, you can’t truly understand what it’s like to live in a society and culture that regards you as an object of desire above all things.

Women are sick of being told how to live. We’re also tired of bearing accountability for our sexual assaults. However, former NFL Linebacker DeAndre Levy is a man who seems to get it with his recent description of consent from women. He does this while also acknowledging the toxic idea of masculinity from which such pseudo gray areas form.

Levy opens his essay for The Player’s Tribune, titled “Man Up” with this:

Man up! You pussy! Grow a pair! These are insults that are so commonplace that we have all encountered them at some point, be it on a playing field, in a locker room or in any other situation where being “strong” and “tough” is paramount. They’re all based on the generally accepted premise that the worst thing you can do/say to a man is to question his masculinity. It wasn’t until recently, however, that I really considered what’s being communicated when men say things like this to one another. All of these statements are related to a man showing vulnerability or weakness, which is immediately connected to them being feminine. So taking things a step further, if appearing feminine has all of these negative connotations, how does that affect how men view women on a societal level?

That last sentence is the kicker. Behaviors deemed feminine traditionally signify weakness among men. If this is how similar traits are viewed, what about those who may demonstrate them most often? i.e., Women.

I know the counterargument: It’s ok for women to act like women and men to act like men. Some only don’t approve of one side behaving like the other.

Gender roles are part of the problem.

That fact aside, consider this. If you view certain traits as less than, how far removed can you be from viewing someone who exhibits those traits as less than as well? That’s the point.

Levy asks, “so what’s the opposite of weakness? Power. And oftentimes, how powerful a man is, is directly associated with his sexual exploits.”

Bingo.

I know several men who lost their virginity as boys to adult women. Yet, they don’t regard themselves as having been sexually abused. They’re proud of the idea that they “bagged” an older woman at such a young age. Their peers congratulated them for the feat, a response that continued with every female “conquer” that followed.

The idea of sex with women, masculinity, and ultimately power is inevitably tethered from this point.

A man thought to have women at his disposal is commonly the envy of all men. On the other hand, a man who doesn’t appear focused on getting women into bed or treats them as having unrelated value endures the questioning of his manhood.

I have a male friend who’s taunted by his buddies for being gay. He’s not. Yet, the fact that he’s never slept with me is all the evidence they need for a conviction.

What does this have to do with sexual consent?

Everything. Because it overemphasizes the importance of men having sex with women, to the point where a man may view it as tied to his manliness — something he’s wired to aggressively pursue and to which he’s ultimately entitled.

This perspective okays and even encourages a shameless, insatiable appetite for sex and women. Perceiving women as conquests makes it permissible to force the issue a little, and sometimes, a lot. If the goal is to conquer, the feelings of your subject are irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if she’s uncomfortable, apprehensive, or uninterested. Your only concern is crossing the finish line.

This is why women who speak out against their abusers suffer character assassination and victim-blaming. It’s always, “Well, what did she do?” Everything from the way she dresses to her sexual history is presented as conflicting data — as though these elements justify a man forcing himself onto her or support the idea of him being confused.

Obtaining consent leaves no room for misinterpretation.

Here’s how Levy defines it:

Consent only occurs when a woman clearly says yes. Consent is not being naked, it’s not kissing, and it’s not touching or flirting. It’s a clear, freely given yes, which is not the same as the absence of a no.

Intimate spontaneity and passion can be appealing. Not many want to interrupt the moment by asking for consent. It sounds like a buzzkill. Besides, it allows the woman an opportunity to refuse advances.

Every woman I know has been in a situation where she felt pressured into having sex, including me. It may not have been textbook rape, but it was clear that the guy decided he was going to have sex with us whether we explicitly wanted to or not.

It’s the instances where you push a guy’s hand away, and he pins your arms behind your head. Or, you squirm, he chuckles and then gets on top of you so you can’t move. It’s the “come onnnn” when you’ve made it clear that you don’t want to have sex.

I had a guy tell me that most women say “no” but mean “yes” because we’re trying to be “ladylike.” The stories are abhorrent and abundant.

Sex isn’t merely either rape or consensual. There’s a lot in between there that can defy mutual agreement. It’s just, one only recognizes the signs they care to see.