Another Story Of Murdering You From My Mind
By: Senny Oktaviani
Tags: Lovestory

I’m writing this with the hope that this will be the last chapter of murdering you from my mind.

It’s been 3 years, bunch of dating series, and finally one serious relationship, so I’ve decided that I have to move on. I think it’s time to completely let you go without needing to know about you anymore.

5 years ago, I’ve met you and I’ve never thought that I could love someone more than I love my self. There are so many “if only” in my head until now.

If only I wasn’t too young, too stupid, and too ego to love you,

If only I could treat you better,

If only I could love you the right way,

If only I could did you right,

If only…

When things didn’t work out between us 3 years ago, my world has fallen apart.

I know it will sound cheesy and too much, but you were my world, you were a part of my life that feels hard to live without… even until now. It still hurts to remember all the nights I have to spend alone when we finally decided to separate. It still hurts to remember the night I spent by hurting my self physically just to get rid the pain in my heart. It still hurts to remember a friend knocked my door when I was trying to kill my self that night.

Damn!

It even still feels hurt to write those memories.

Just in case you’re wondering,

I’m okay now. I went to the shrink and learn to live my life without you.

I can not lie that there’s still a blank spot in my life since you’ve been gone. There were times when I miss you so much, so I decided to scroll down your timeline though I know that it hurts me more to know you’re happy with someone else now.

Today…

Is one of the days when I miss you so much, so I scrolled down your timeline. Then, there I read it! You told your friend that I am one of your bad exes and that I am a manipulative and ex. It’s not the first time I read things like that in your timeline, but today it just feels different in me.

I am angry.

Angry to realize that after 2 years we spent together, you choose to keep the bad memories of us instead of the good ones.

Angry to my self to finally realize that I was never good enough to love you so that there are no good things you can tell to your friends about us… or about me.

But most of all, I’m angry because I’ve never really tried to fix things between us 3 years ago.

I am sad.

Sad to know that you have wasted your precious 2 years in a toxic relationship with me.

Sad to realize that I wasn’t sensitive enough to feel that you weren’t happy with me.

So today I decided to completely let you go.

I blocked everything about you, not because I hate you, but because I am trying to make peace with myself. And if someday you read this post, I just want to say:

Thank you.

Thank you for being with me for 2 years. Our relationship makes me realize that love does exist and it’s okay to fall in love with someone, even if it leads to a broken heart.

Thank you for decided not to be there when I was hurting my self and begging you to come just to hug me, because that was how I learned how to survive.

I know I have no rights to this to you right now,

But please..

Please forgive me and stop hating me.

I hope you find peace and happiness in your life.

Goodbye, M.

P.S. I’ll still love you anyway.