Leap of Faith
By: Tori H.
Tags: Career Paths, Looking For A Job

Photo by Sammie Vasquez on Unsplash

Last year I took a leap of faith. I had done as much research as I thought I could, with the time that I had. I tried to understand what I was getting into, at the same time I was told that there really was no roadmap. I was working for an organization whose mission is to improve the lives of children, yet I wasn’t feeling like what I was doing was making that much of a difference. So I was excited to be offered an opportunity where I could be making what I thought would be a big difference. You usually hear of the stories where a leap of faith leads to a better outcome. It’s not turned out that way for me. At this point, I wonder if it was worth the risk.

I’d taken risks before. After college, I applied for the Peace Corps and ended up teaching English in a former Soviet republic that had recently gained independence. Part of one of the first cohorts of volunteers in the country, there were many unknowns, not just for me but for everyone around me. I had to learn an entirely new language, figure out an entirely different culture. Things that were so simple at home were now so much more complicated. How to take the bus, where to buy groceries, even what to eat. I had to learn how to teach and work with colleagues who understandably didn’t trust me, coming with barely any work experience. I gained an incredible amount from this leap of faith I had taken. Strategies for lesson planning and engaging students. Newfound empathy for my own immigrant parents, who had to navigate so much on their own when they came to America. The belief that there wasn’t anything I couldn’t do if I put my mind to it.

Over the years I’ve developed a deeper appreciation for the risks that others have taken in me. Whoever approved my application for the Peace Corps. My former boss, who pulled my application from a stack of hundreds for a fellowship program and invited me to join her team to manage the program. After I had to move for personal reasons to a new city, I was hired for an entirely new position in a school district to improve the way teachers were hired, onboarded, and supported. Although I had no experience in actually organizing and running a teacher orientation, I was trusted to figure it out, and I did. Even with this last opportunity I was granted, there was a trust that I would do whatever it would take to make it work.

When you become part of a different world, a different culture, you are forced to change. It’s not always a bad thing, and sometimes I was better at code switching and adapting than others. Growing up, at home I spoke Chinese, ate Chinese food, and tried to be a dutiful Chinese daughter. At school, I spoke English, ate American food, and was pretty successful at being a good student. When I went to Moldova, I learned to speak Romanian, ate Moldovan food, and did a fairly poor job of meeting expectations for how a single, young woman should act. No matter what, though, through graduate school and new work environments, I tried to take on characteristics of the person I thought I should be — someone outgoing and brave, a confident leader.

Each time, I found that I could not escape the core of who I was, and learned to be brave and lead in my own way. This last role I took on and the world I entered, however, seemed to chip away too deeply at that core. Sometimes what you think you’re getting into doesn’t turn out that way. You can pivot. This time I decided not to. It felt like there would be too much of a cost to who I was that I hadn’t expected. But now I’m left with no job, no new door that has opened yet.

I am trying to take yet another leap of faith, but it’s hard when no one wants to leap with me. I worry that the risks I took in the past now make me look damaged. I’ve also become more wary of the emotional cost it takes to change who I am to fit into a new role, a new culture, a new environment. Many times I wish I could return to what I had left, even though I was not happy there either. I know there’s no point in wondering, since it’s a change that cannot be undone. But can I pave a new path, be a brave leader in my own way, and find someone to take that leap with me?