fabiochiu/medium-articles huggingface dataset:
Catalyst
Tags: Cptsd, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Life, PTSD

I used to be able to get up every day, and face the world.

Now, a single adventure is a lot to ask of me. I didn’t sleep last night. That’s because I want to be somewhere today.

I am nervous. I am afraid. I’m burning nervous energy at an alarming rate. Just because I have plans that involve going outside for something that I want to do that is more than 5 minutes from a place my brain has nominated as “safe” to me.

What if I get triggered? What if I break down in public? What if I should stay inside after all? What if the person I’m meeting has to change their plans? What if I don’t have the energy to do anything once I get there? What if I somehow dissociate on the train and ride it to the far end of the other line?

I remember when I didn’t think of, or rather, I believed I didn’t care about any of these things. Self-awareness and facing reality comes at a steep cost, and requires a completely different world view. It’s a change of phrasing from “do I want to do that?” to “can I even do that?”. It’s considering the mental load of maintaining constant vigilance for any signs in the environment of things I cannot see, hear, smell, taste, touch or think about too much or else my CPTSD will reduce me to a dissociating vegetable for a period of time. It’s deciding that it would be better to stay at home, indoors, because the environment is controlled and controlled is safe, and watching the world pass me by at a distance while well-meaning people try to encourage me to do what I’d like to, and enjoy their company while I do it.

It’s hard watching your world shrink. It’s harder still watching it happen when a lot of people I know are doing or starting to do very good things with their lives. Although my envy for them includes elation, it’s undeniably a heartsick feeling to watch from the sidelines for years, and to lack any clues about whether a level of change that includes having the capacity to actively live and enjoy your life is on the cards is chilling.

I don’t know what catalyst I need to make that change.

I do know I’m still going to go out today, for something that isn’t a medical appointment, for something that isn’t transition-related (despite how important that is to me), and for something that isn’t some other obligation to satisfy someone or something else. To go and be in amongst something that I want to do because I’m a human and I have social needs. To experience, live, participate and be voluntarily vulnerable in the world for the first time in a while, rather than spectating from a screen or a phone call while tucked away in this little corner of the world I inhabit.

And maybe if I’m very fortunate, I’ll find my catalyst out there.
Hello Felicia,
By: Antonio Caira
Tags: Friendship, Depression, Psychology, Facebook, PTSD

Hello Felicia,

It’s a while since I commented on one of your pieces. I wish that I could think of a more heartfelt word than that. ‘Pieces’. 😕.

They are way more than pieces. They are honesty, honest words. Visual emotions.

I’m glad that you write them. Very glad. Others need to read them, feel the emotions and power, passion, pain, hurt, love, humility, above all the raw humanity behind them.

I am toying with writing some pieces based on my worst experiences, my worst nightmares, related to CPTSD.

Related to Haemophilia, the people I have seen die as a result of a pharmaceutical genetocide actioned upon haemophiliacs.

It will not be pretty writing, it will not be joyous, it may be humorous. Your bravery encourages me to stop being a coward and just get on with it, uncompromisingly.

I gave up Facebook two years ago. Facebook has hurt people. Aided harmful experiments upon people. Has destabilised political order and social cohesion on our planet, unnecessarily. Any good it ever did has been thoroughly negated; it is an online toxic horror bereft of true ethical conscience.

Twitter; I was there. My iPhone was stolen. I used the iPhone number for two factor authentication. I had two thousand or so good followers. I’m on chemotherapy. My time is precious. I have spent far too much fruitless and unhappy time trying to regain access to my account; so that is gone too.

Instagram? I cannot see the point. I see that friends of my 16 year old stepdaughter use it as a place to pout like goldfish gasping for air. To stick their tongues out for some bizarre reason. To stick two fingers up in many pictures in the non ‘Victory’ or ‘peace’ manner, but the one which to me, as an adopted Scotsman/Brit means ‘Go forth and multiply’. I see young people eager to become ‘Instagram models’.

As an ex-and sometimes now educator, it saddens me. These youngsters have so much more to offer, could find a deeper inner happiness, away from the temptation to pander to this vacuous online meat market.

My social network, as it looks like yours may be too; comprises of real friends via email or snail mail. Via SMS. Via a couple of forums that I love that have genuinely lovely, caring people on them.

The exception to the secure known?

The undefinable thing that is Medium.

I am growing to like and trust it more.

I hope that we will still see you here. We don’t know each other, but I am on your mailing list and I am a good listener. Through the good and downright no good at all.

Keep on keeping on.

AC
CBD Oil Effective for Symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
By: Curative Biosciences Inc.
Tags: Cbd Oils, PTSD, Cbd

With the stock symbol CBDX, Curative Biosciences Inc. manufactures and produces top-quality CBD supplements derived from organically grown hemp. To better inform consumers on the health benefits of CBD, the Curative Biosciences Inc. webpage publishes links to dozens of scientific studies that have investigated the effects of CBD on a host of ailments, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

PTSD can develop after a harrowing encounter with abuse, violence, or other negative life events. People with PTSD often experience flashbacks of the traumatic incident, intense nightmares, and chronic anxiety. While the exact cause of PTSD is unknown, studies have demonstrated that lower activity in specific brain receptors, such as CB1, may be a factor.

Since CBD has similar properties to neurotransmitters involved in feeling positive emotions and traumatic memory deactivation, CBD may stimulate activity in CB1 receptors and promote an anti-anxiety effect. With long-term use, CBD may significantly reduce other symptoms associated with PTSD, including insomnia and night terrors.
How do I overcome the fear of not being loved by someone?
By: Don Carpenter
Tags: Successful Entrepreneurs, PTSD, Life Lessons, Self Improvement, Mental Illness

Answer: This is a great question because it seems that we have been taught that one of our greatest needs in life is to be loved. But the truth is just the opposite. Our greatest need is to love rather than to be loved. For 2000 years, our human ego nature has been looking for love in the wrong place. We have been looking everywhere for love except where it actually exists. Jesus gave us the answer when he said “the kingdom of God, love, is within you”.

In other words, the kingdom of God is where love is and so as you ponder upon this, you come into the realization that you don’t get love, you don’t struggle to find love, it has already been given to you. The kingdom of God is love and there is no other place to find it. Jesus said “seek ye first the kingdom of God, love” because when you are conscious of God, love, the principle of consciousness reveals that love will externalize itself as your experience.

It was the poet Browning who said that “we must open out a way to release the imprisoned splendor of love”. And it is in this consciousness of love that you now see God as the reality and the very life of every individual, that you now know the Truth about you is the Truth about everyone you meet, that the infinity of love is within every individual because the kingdom of God is within them as it is within you. You are now connected in oneness with everyone and you can now share the love of God with everyone you meet. There is no longer the fear of not being loved by someone for nothing can separate you from the love of God.Now you will be asked and you will have the answer to “how do I overcome the fear of not being loved by someone?”.
Role of Exercise in Treating PTSD
By: Indrani Cosmetics
Tags: Ptsd Treatment, Health, PTSD, Ptsd Recovery

Most PTSD therapies fall under the umbrella of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT). The idea is to change the thought patterns that are disturbing your life. This might happen through talking about your trauma or concentrating on where your fears come from.

There is considerable research indicating that exercise can be of significant benefit in reducing anxiety and depression.

There are far fewer investigations of the role of exercise in reducing posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

Research suggests that there is a tremendous impact of exercise, particularly aerobic exercise, in reducing PTSD and negative emotional states. A variety of models are reviewed to possibly explain why exercise is so beneficial.

Those who suffer from PTSD are notoriously treatment avoidant. Exercise is presented as an effective intervention for PTSD, anxiety, and depression, and because it does not produce the level of avoidance that traditional psychotherapies do, it becomes a valuable potential tool for treating PTSD.

Whether or not you have PTSD, regular exercise has a number of benefits. It can contribute to many positive physical health outcomes, such as improved cardiovascular health, weight loss, and greater flexibility and mobility.

In addition to these physical health outcomes, regular exercise can also have a positive impact on your mental health by reducing anxiety and depression.

Given the benefits of exercise, as well as the numerous mental and physical health problems experienced by people with PTSD, a regular exercise regimen may have a number of advantages for you if you have PTSD.

Before embarking on any exercise program, it’s important to first check with your doctor to make sure that you do it safely. Your doctor may also be able to help you identify the best exercises given your goals, age, weight, or other physical health problems that you’re experiencing.

One of the most important tools is breathing right!

It may sound silly, but many people do not breathe properly. Natural breathing involves your diaphragm, a large muscle in your abdomen. When you breathe in, your belly should expand. When you breathe out, your belly should fall.

Over time, people forget how to breathe this way and instead use their chest and shoulders. This causes short and shallow breaths, which can increase stress and anxiety.

Fortunately, it is quite possible to re-learn how to breathe deeply from your diaphragm and help protect yourself from stress.
My Struggles
By: Segundo Juan Devora
Tags: Creative Writing, PTSD, Writing, Poetry

Photo by Lennart kcotsttiw from Pexels

Dark are the place I see

Where I go to hide from the world

I walk down the dimly lit path

Looking into the shadows to see what’s hiding

The horrible things a mind broken mind creates

Monsters I have to kept caged

Never to look at them, never to let them free

I walk this path everyday to make sure they are locked away

I search to see what new dangers I’ve created

In those dark and shadowy corners I stop to listen to what they say

Some whisper insults, others question to make me doubt

It’s the ones that talk about the horribles things they can do

Those I are those who I step into those shadows to fight

To get under control, to lock away

Sometimes throughout the day I freeze and go blank

I hear something lurking something that might need to occupy a cell

I won’t them occupy my mind or my thoughts

They can’t have my life

Everyday is a battle to ensure they are locked away

Somedays leave me scarred and bruised

No marks on the outside because they are all from within

I have found it easier to walk those dark paths if I focus on the light

Find something to make your light and let them be your strength

I’m truly afraid that one day something bad might happen to my light

Which would crush me and leave the cages vulnerable and incapable of closing

For worst is if someone where to take my light from this world

In that case I would open the gates myself and unleash those monsters

The tragedies that would ensue not even history has seen

I don’t believe in the new Gods, I return to the Gods of old

I ask the Old Gods to never that happen and hope they listen

Everyday is a struggle some days are better than others

Day #170 SJD

Copyright © 2019 Segundo Juan Devora. All Rights Reserved.
The cruelty of childhood trauma is that we don’t know what normal and healthy is.
By: Demetria Bridges
Tags: Trauma, Abuse, Childhood, Self Improvement, PTSD

The cruelty of childhood trauma is that we don’t know what normal and healthy is. So even as adults, we flounder and flail in life trying to heal towards normalcy but we don’t know what “that” is. And I mean emotional normalcy, anyone can fake looking normal but to have the true sturdy and healthy foundation that comes from the virgin soil of our innocent childhoods when good seeds are planted by responsible parents is something different altogether.

I believe having compassion for one’s abuser is really having compassion for yourself. But I believe many mistake compassion for “trying to make it work” and if they can have somewhat of a semblance of a relationship with those who hurt them, they define it as compassion, forgiveness, and misjudge it for moving on and healing. While I believe you can have relationships with your abusers, it can only come after you’ve have done your work on yourself. The compassion I speak of is truly seeing your parents/abusers in the light of their own powerlessness as children. And trust me, this is not a lens you can choose to look through on a whim. It’s a lens you grow to be able to see as you process through your own journey. And the journey is for a lifetime.
PTSD Gets Around
By: Andrew, Avraham
Tags: Judaism, Anxiety, Anti Semitism, Persecution, PTSD

Please see my new article in The Times of Israel called, “PTSD Gets Around.”

The Jewish people are a nation recovering from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), where memories of trauma flood our national psyche and can trigger emotional (and even physical) symptoms. Whether fear of the next “evil decree” against the Jews, to another pogrom of crazed rapists and killers rampaging through a Jewish town, or even of genocide itself, the Jewish people have known plenty of deep-seated persecution and have to deal with the accompanying fear and anxiety of being the quintessential “strangers in a strange land,” almost everywhere in the world and over a very long period of history.

PTSD is very real not only for our suffering veterans, and for individual people that have been sexually abused or experienced physical violence, but it can also be a national psychiatric disorder based on collective trauma that affects our mood, anxiety levels, and behavioral reactions to events. Suffering from exile, persecution, and helplessness from thousands of years does not go away in a generation or even a century. It is a long road for our national recovery where we can learn to once again live healthy and productive lives absent from the fear and anxiety of another bad Tisha B’Av.

(Credit Photo: Andy Blumenthal)
Crisis intervention
By: Mustafa Zaigham
Tags: Intervention, Emergency, Crisis Management, Critical Situation, PTSD

Crisis intervention is an immediate and short-term psychological care aimed at assisting individuals in a crisis situation in order to restore equilibrium to their bio-psycho-social functioning and to minimize the potential of long-term psychological trauma.

Crisis situations can be in the form of natural disasters, severe physical injury, sudden death of a loved one, and specific emotional crises as a result of drastic transitions such as divorce, children leaving home, pregnancy, family and school violence.

The priority of crisis intervention and counseling is to hasten the process of and achieve stabilization.

Crisis interventions must be applied at the spur of the moment and in a variety of settings, as trauma can arise instantaneously.

Crisis definition:

A crisis can occur on a physical or psychological level. The physical aspects of a crisis tends to be obvious, particularly if they involve human injury or death. The psychological aspects of a crisis tend to be significant and more widespread. However, the psychological aspects of a crisis are hard to identify and often overlooked.

Crisis is defined by three factors: negative events, feelings of hopelessness, and unpredictable events. Crises are perceived as being negative events that generate physical emotion and/or pain. People who experience a crisis experience feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and entrapment. Those who have lived through a crisis also feel as if they have lost control over their lives.

Crisis events tend to occur suddenly and without warning. The lack of time to adjust or adapt to crisis generated problems is what makes the event so traumatic.

At a global level, when a mass trauma occurs such as a terrorist attack, counselors are trained to provide resources, coping skills, and support to clients to assist them through their crisis.

At a school based level, when a trauma occurs, like a student death, School Psychologists are trained to prevent and respond to crisis through the PREPaRE Model of Crisis Response, developed by NASP.
Interview with Sherry James, Author of “After The Suicide: Leading With Love And Light”
By: Mitchell Olson
Tags: Sherry James, Greif, Advocate, Mental Health, PTSD

In this interview, I talk with Author, executive coach, and keynote speaker Sherry James, PMP. She will be releasing her debut novel, “After The Suicide: Leading with Love and Light” in the next couple of months. The novels speaks candidly about her journey after the suicide of her father, an Air Force veteran.

This novel touches on relevant topics such as mental health, suicide prevention and awareness for both civilian and military/veteran readers.

Sharing with the reader her personal backstory, James details her fears, insecurities, and hardships with the reader as she narrates her life’s story in a “conversation” with her father. She shares the implications of the survivor’s guilt she felt after her father’s untimely passing as well as the thankfulness of those that helped her become the leader and parent she is today. Her goal is to develop the next generation of leaders as

part of her father’s legacy.

“I felt the need to share my story in hopes that it may help someone who has been affected by similar issues, whether they were a family member dealing with the loss or a veteran struggling with their mental health,”

Shelly has been an active keynote speaker for over 15 years, James has worked with several brands and organizations including AT&T, 7-Eleven Corp, PMI, The National Diversity Council, UT Dallas, IMA, OSU, HollyFrontier, where she focuses her talks on mental health in corporate America.

“After Suicide: Leading With Love and Light” will soon be available for preorder at www.sherryjames.me and will be available for purchase on December 19th through her website, Amazon, Barnes and Noble and other retailers where books are sold.

#2020lives in the year 2020! This event is open to the media.

Keep up with Sherry James, PMP online:

Instagram

www.Sherryjames.me
Graduate
By: Trent Rolfzen
Tags: Trauma, Thankful, Loved, Gratitude, PTSD

Graduate

When it feels like the your world is crushing in on you.

When all literal signs say it’s your end.

The power of thankfulness and gratitude can hold you in the palm of their hands.

Something hit me today.

In the years past, I was a preacher, a leader in a large humanitarian ministry, a father to many, respected and admired.

Today I’m broken, confused and fighting with everything I have to know a more authentic real me. Masses hate me, talk about me and want nothing to do with me.

But today my drive is to discover this person whom I was made to be, in spite of the destruction of my addiction or the pain of traumatic events.

Before I had crowds of people that loved me for what they thought I was. Adored for what I could give them and valued for how I made them appear.

They didn’t even know me.

Today I have a small handful of people who know the ugliest parts of me, they’ve stood in the mids of great pain and loss with me. These people know me uncomfortably well.

I’ve never had that before, and they have nothing to gain for loving me. I have nothing to offer to repay the lavish support I’ve received. Never in a thousand years could I pay the debt of their belief in me.

I am thankful, I am so grateful today for have seen the sick, the ugly, and the destruction but in the midst still saw ME.
expectation vs. reality
Tags: Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, Mental Health, Eating Disorders, PTSD

common misconceptions and why we shouldn’t romanticize mental illness

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD):

* Perception: sad and tired; people telling you to “just get over it”

* Reality: lethargic; losing interest in things you used to enjoy; feeling worthless and suicidal ideation; trying to hide your hundreds of scars from cutting yourself; not showering for weeks; sleeping for 20 hours a day

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD):

* Perception: extremely organized; impeccably clean room; closet organized by color

* Reality: intrusive thoughts; compulsively flipping the light switch 13 times so you don’t stab your family members; picking holes in your skin

Eating Disorders (ED):

* Perception: being thin and beautiful; fitting size 0 clothing; turning down a second helping of food; ballerina aesthetic

* Reality: eroded teeth from excessive purging, hair growing everywhere to compensate for the inability to stay warm, refusing to eat carrots because of their high carbohydrate content

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD):

* Perception: being soft, gentle, shy, protected from the outside world

* Reality: panic attacks where you feel like you’re dying; being unable to catch a full breath; crying so hard to the point of vomiting; genuinely believing nobody likes you; unable to sleep from your constant worrying about nothing at all

Bipolar Disorder:

* Perception: moody or emotional; changing your mind all the time; drama queen

* Reality: memory lapses from flying high on mania; not sleeping for a week straight; no impulse control that gets you arrested for a felony; depression so dark you try to commit suicide; irritability; mixed states and rapid cycling; racing thoughts so fast you can’t keep track of what day it is; drug abuse to calm things down

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD):

* Perception: flashbacks of war (i.e. Vietnam)

* Reality: buying your first pregnancy test at 11 years old; flinching at high fives; the inability of being touched by other people without feeling like the world is ending; recurring nightmares of your neighbor molesting you

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD):

* Perception: “oh look, a squirrel!”; “look, something shiny!”; fidgety but lovable and adorable

* Reality: rereading the same paragraph in a textbook dozens of time because you can’t focus and it doesn't make sense; failing classes; not doing laundry for 4 months; unable to stick to one task for more than 3 minutes; hyper-focusing on something totally inane when you know you have real work to do; impulsive and dangerous behaviors for the adrenaline high

Schizophrenia:

* Perception: split personality

* Reality: psychosis; hallucinations of things that are not really there; hearing voices that tell you to hurt your family; isolation; illogical paranoia; turning off your A/C in the middle of summer from fear of electricity and dying of heatstroke
The Death of Mental Illness Miscellaneous Notes 21–30
By: Don Carpenter
Tags: Happiness In Life, PTSD, Life Lessons, Self Improvement, Mental Illness

21. Badness can only exist in our human nature. Remove our human nature and badness has no place to function. “My kingdom is not of this world” and so the bad things of this world cannot affect us as long as we dwell in the consciousness of “My kingdom”.

22. Jesus said “I of my own self can do nothing”. He said we must “die daily” to our human beliefs, that we must “deny” my own self, that we are to “leave our nets” i.e. our human way of thinking, that we are to “take no thought” for our self.

23. When the Presence enters in, It is now the reality of individual being. It does the works. It leads us beside the still waters. It makes us to lie down in green pastures. I of my own self can do nothing. It can do all things.

24. Do we really believe in God? We do not believe that “thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee” because if we did, perfect peace would preclude there being mental issues in our lives such as stress, depression, you-name-it.

25. Do we really believe in God? We do not believe that “in thy Presence is fullness of joy” because if we did, there would be no badness to overcome because otherwise there would be no fullness of joy.

26. Do we really believe in God? We do not believe that we must “die daily” to our human ego nature because if we did, there would be little or no mental problems to overcome because they would have no place to function.

27. Do we really believe in God? We do not believe in the omnipotence of God even though Jesus said “you could have no power over me except it came from God” because if we did, there would be nothing that has the power to cause us to have problems of mental illness.

28. Do we really believe in God? We do not believe that “when the spirit of God is upon us, the sick are healed” because if we did, the healing of our physical and mental issues in life would take place.

29. Do we really believe in God? We do not believe that “thou shall have no other God’s before me” because if we did, we would not accept the false belief that we have a life of our own that separates us from God and causes us to reap the difficulties of this false sense of life.

30. Do we really believe in God? The answer is no. We the human ego nature of self do not really believe in God. And we are letting ourselves be destroyed because of our unbelief in God. Only when we realize the oneness of God will there be the death of mental illness.
How does God intend to conquer evil?
By: Don Carpenter
Tags: Success, PTSD, Life Lessons, Self Improvement, Mental Illness

Answer: Jesus was very clear on this when he said “resist not evil”. He was revealing the Truth to us when he said this because evil, that which is bad, has no power, no capacity, to cause an effect where there is the conscious presence of God. Remember the kingdom of God, goodness, is within us and we are told to seek ye first that kingdom and then goodness, the absence of evil, will follow. This Truth is revealed to us in the first commandment “thou shall have no other God’s before me” meaning that we are to acknowledge no other power other than the power of God.

To resist evil is to acknowledge that evil, badness, has power and is therefore a denial of the omnipotence of God. And it is this false belief of our human nature, of our ego-self, that there is a power other than the power of God that is the underlying cause of the discords in our life experience. In other words, if we “dwell in the secret place of the most high”, in the consciousness of God, the Presence of God, “evil will not come nigh our dwelling place”.

And so this Truth reveals the solution to all the badness in our lives. There is no badness, such as mental health issues, in the kingdom of God and so when we keep our minds stayed on the omnipotence, the omnipresence, and the omniscience of God, there is no badness to overcome. Now there is freedom from the discords of life and we are free to live in the harmony of God’s being. Instead of being governed by the false beliefs of our ego-self, we are now God governed by the oneness of God and that because of that oneness, there is nothing to prevent our having dominion over our individual life experience.
Without Further Introduction
Tags: Husbands, Dangerous Jobs, Christian Men, PTSD, Dads

Welcome,

or

Hello,

???

I am not sure what this blog is going to be about.

I feel led to share some faith, I want to talk to men who have done tough things in life and are men of God. I spent 18 years in the Fire Service and there are not many spaces for Christian men of faith who have done difficult and dangerous things to connect with other men who have done the same.

I have PTSD and am recovering or choosing to live and experience life daily. But this blog is not going to be about experiencing PTSD. I am a DAD married to a very successful ER Doctor, but again this blog is not going to be about men who have very successful and intelligent wives and the experience of parenting. I am a dabbling entrepreneur. I have started a side hustle and grew it into a business and watched the pandemic and a relocation slow progress down. But this is not about business and side hustles.

At the same time this blog may be about all of these experiences at any given time.

I have always identified with being a firefighter…. Who are you? …. A firefighter! No. Not what do you do. Who are you?? …… I am a firefighter. So, there is that.

But I am about to start another business and still run the old side hustle, so…. maybe it is time to get comfortable with calling myself an Entrepreneur.

Anyways, this is not going to be about bravado but I know that I personally do not always relate to discussions, or click with illustrations, that do not come from a place of shared experience.

OK so you are still here and we are winging this, but I do want to end with a thought from my faith. My hopes are that finding scripture each time I write will get me into the word in a way that matches what I am feeling. Seeing that I believe I have been led to start writing, I am going to go with the feeling that this is an important part of this project.

We had a guest pastor on Sunday, he made a statement that Fear is the opposite of faith. That one hits!!

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. Luke 14:27
Too Much, Too Little, Too Late?
By: Jodie Tedder
Tags: Find Mercy, Cptsd, Fight The Good Fight, Stop Abuse, PTSD

Can’t healing just be exhausting? Wasn’t it hard enough just living through chronic abuse? Now we’re being tasked to heal!

Oh, brother. It gets old. Doesn’t it?

I’ll tell you what gets older than working on healing the past — NOT healing the past. That’s a straight-up train wreck.

I’m 57 years old now and I can tell you that before I began actively working on redeeming the parts of my past that belonged to me, I was copying a lot of what I came through.

I found men who were in much need of repair and let them start abusing me. I never stood up for my worth, back then, I just continued to repeat the patterns I came through.

If a duck is raised by a dog, it just might learn to bark! If it can’t learn to bark, it will certainly emulate what it can of the dog’s behavior.

So it is true of us! We might not become abusers (please be certain you’re not!), but we carry with us their destruction.

We destroy our appearance by not taking care of ourselves. We destroy our integrity by giving it all away. We destroy our chances at love because we carry in our back pocket the gift of idleness and betrayal.

Take care to keep your hands busy doing better things! It doesn’t really matter what those better things are, just try to do the next right thing. However small it is.

From the animated classic Santa Clause is Coming to Town, “Just put one foot in front of the other and soon you’ll be walking out the door!”

I’ve learned I don’t have time for one thing: to stay stagnate and not love myself today.

Life is never going to look perfect. I’ll never be all that I want to be, but I don’t aim for perfection. My standard is love.

And to that list I could add a million little things like envy, deceit, addiction, cheating and the list goes on and on. BUT, nothing can separate us from the love of God.

It doesn’t matter if we can’t always feel His presence, the very act of remembering He’s there can be enough.

It’s never too late. It’s never too much. It’s never too little.

All love to each you!
More than thoughts
By: Saleha Bakhtiar
Tags: Intrusive Thoughts, Thoughts And Ideas, Ptsd Recovery, Death And Dying, PTSD

His hands started to tremble. No longer could John stare at an image which resembled nothing but emotions that conflicted his own. It was a dark, Stygian, Panasonic camera which was weighing down in to his hands and heating up like a volcanic rock. Thereupon igniting itching, murmuring cries inside, whom doubled in seconds as they blamed him for his mother’s death. Then empowering familiar overwrought thoughts in intensity and strength as they began hitting against the inside of his head, debating ways to handle the rising episode of his post traumatic stress disorder.

Now sensations of contentment had evanesced as had the effects of paroxetine. The only thing remaining was an ear drilling clangour preforming rituals, filling the inside of his head with stifling smoke. With a sense of foreboding, John shut his eyes, drenched in hysterical sweats, just to be refaced by the corporeal figure of his mother’s dead body behind the thickening vapour. She lay there like the day of her death. Beautiful but dead. “She wasn’t breathing nor was she alive.” These intrusive thoughts freshened his healing wounds, reminding him of the insanity of that traumatic event.

“It wasn’t me!” It wasn’t me!” Repeated John, while being victimised by a spreading epidemic of trembles across his whole body. With the long-lost grip of his camera, he now lay exhausted with clenched fists, as his thoughts leaked and emerged in to a nightmare. The chastisement of these thoughts weren’t new to his body and like previously they came to shed their evil effervescence. Polluting his mouth with the taste of rusting cemetery bars, forcing his ears to hear the bleakness of graves and his nose to smell that same gravy covered cardigan. The same cardigan his mother wore on that apocalyptic evening. Pain exploded through his skull, conducting the tempo of tears to blind his vision. These were all chronological happenings, which invaded his whole body and conquered half his conscience, leaving the other half in a shock reciting scene of his mother’s death and her funeral.

He knew the disorder was curable, yet while this distortion lasted, pain and panic were regular acquaintances. Despite their regularity, the impacts were still as traumatising, only their awareness sharpened by time.
Life with PTSD
By: The Case Fam
Tags: Ptsd Treatment, Ptsd Awareness, PTSD, Ptsd Recovery

A true good story always starts at the beginning well sometimes they do that’s where mine does. You know I haven’t always been like this but a true good story teller is always honest. So here we go it all started when I was younger cuz that’s where life usually starts. From the day I was born up till I was five I was always loved and cared for I mean my mother and step father always loved me and still does. But when I was five life changed for me but I mean doesn’t it usually change for everyone. But you see life has its weird ways for everyone just mines a little messed up. You see when I was 3 or 4 I watched my best friend my mother be chocked and hit and abused by my real father. But wait I know what your going to say why didn’t I do anything but you know what at that age theirs really not much you can really do. So I sat there crying feeling so helpless until I got sick of it and grab a frying pan and hit my father in the head with it. Know don’t worry I didn’t kill him I just knocked him out but honestly I should have cuz a couple years latter he rapped my sister. So that’s where my Reactive Attachment started because after that myself and my brother and my two sisters where taken away from my mother. Now my older sister the one that was rapped was taken to Albany and put in foster care. So that’s was the last time we saw her now me and my younger and older brother was put in a foster home to but it sure wasn’t in Albany. We where placed in a home in Peterboro New York now at first it wasn’t so bad but latter on as the years pasted it turned for the worst. How you might ask well good question so here ill tell you living in a different home being so young and not knowing anyone or why your there or where your mother is. Sure as hell not something no child should ever go through cuz to be honest it really takes a toll on a child. But anyways ill pick back up latter why cuz my brain hurts lol so if you want to no what happens next stay tuned…
Mountains in a Moment
By: Bibi Anne Hazel
Tags: Trauma, Faith, Mountains, PTSD

Faith, I feel like I am always faking

But I find it quite breathtaking

How mother earth is always shaking

I find the thought of moving mountains

Exhausting yet exhilarating

It happens both on land and sea

Quite beautifully and naturally

And the sky’s musical eclipses

Controlling rhythm with magical ellipses…

There are such tragical events

Sometimes in an single instant

Shifting land to mountains and cliffs

When an earthquake, he hits,

And all her plates shift,

Glass crumbling on the ground,

I worked hard to stop the sound

So that it wasn’t so loud

Blood drips on the ground

I can’t believe a moment sticks around

And follows me down, spiraling down

Like a tidal wave wiping out a town

My mind doesn’t leave the moment

Never knew my opponent

Wasn’t actually a glorious saint

Because, in that moment, I truly had faith

And when I bring myself back to the room

I’m lost in the smoke and perfumes

And the faith fades to something like gloom

Grey clouds are a sign of doom, doom, doom

And moments slide past and stop at one

Sending smoke signals when faith fades to none

Thought my guarded heart

Would shade me from the boom

Bombs going off in one room

Three days in a tomb

Then I rise with the sun

And flowers resume to bloom, bloom, bloom

Such is life, I presume
Sorrow-laden consternated elephant in an acute horror and languishment type mood
By: Rad Bent Ii
Tags: Sorrow, Poetry, Depression, Tragedy, PTSD

Sorrow-laden consternated elephant in an acute horror and languishment type mood

I feel like such a failure. Such a loser. I’m wheezing and gasping and crying. I don’t think I should’ve went back to work. I feel like I’m watching the credits roll on my own life. I used to have such a beautiful smile. I wanted to eat spaghetti, one of my favorite meals but I cried into it and can hardly stop crying. My dad said once that I’ve been crying for approximately 10 years straight. It’s been 25. 24 and 3/4. I do not want to go on.

I’m somewhere in the past. With everyone I love. I really loved LeAnne. I really want to go back to work. I need money. What the heck. I’m tired of having the same

night terrors.

My mom was my best friend. When I told her I don’t remember what she said but I remember it was cold and mean. I am still hurt.

Everyone apologized but it still hurts.

I need to accept the unacceptable and live in the present but the present is unacceptable. I need to change something(s).

I feel like a waste of space and of great talents.

I have many friends but they don’t feel like friends. I’m too hurt by the past.

I once caught a fish on a hook. I feel like the small fish. I would like to back into the water.

I would like to take my skin off and sink into the earth. This is no funny and no fun.

I feel like an outsider at work. An ugly scary outsider. I feel like this at home. I can’t do it.

I really wanted to go back to work.

I am hurt badly. more than I know.

Consternation.

I am disabled.
What Do You Do When…?
By: Rev. C. Ocean Romero
Tags: Short Story, Depression, Trigger Warning, Expletive Language, PTSD

What Do You Do…WHAT DO YOU DO??

When you have no more options? Drugs don’t numb the pain? You can’t find the answer at the bottom of a bottle? Being in bed with someone, shopping ‘til the cards are maxed, gambling away that last penny…nothing quiets the screaming, nothing fills those gaping holes?

Suicide just feels stupid and wrong and wouldn’t help anyway? You can’t go to the psych ward because that would make things worse…you can’t run away, you have responsibilities/kids/family/pets/plants/class/whatever and you can’t/don’t want to leave because the thought alone sends you into hysterics but the thought of staying makes you want to throw up because everything you do just…feels like a goddamn failure?

Everything you fucking touch? Every word you say? Everything you’re saying and doing is fucking WRONG? You’re letting everyone down, including yourself?

What do you do? The only thing you can: you sit in your pain. Like an ever-turning wheel, what goes down will go up again. When you are happy, you will be sad again…but when you are sad, if you wait, you will be happy again. This sounds like the shittiest advice when you feel like ripping off the skin from your face but if you’re trapped in a corner with nowhere to go, the only thing to do is wait and it will pass.

It’s called grieving and it fucking sucks. I’m grieving. Yeah, I’m writing about fighting to make this year amazing but every day is pain. But that, exactly that, is the nature of mourning: a period of grief, lamentation, sorrowing, desolation, pain, misery. What is significant about that? A period. It’s finite. It will pass.

Everything passes. For whatever that’s worth. ~

____________________________________________

That sounds, on one hand, like some Gandhi-level wisdom. On the other hand, it also sounds like barn deep pure horseshit, reeking of the Hallmark store.

I wrote this more than two years ago. I’m still in the corner, trapped there by a never ending cycle of [FUCK WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD TO WRITE??] a cycle of Cerberus, each named something monstrous [Emaciation, Rejection, Miscarriage {wait, what the FUCK? I didn’t even fucking think I could get pregnant?!?!}, emancipation, rejuvenation, celebration]…um…hey…those…those last three, dammit…those last three were hopeful and I’m not fucking allowed to have hope, you fucklebutted snotwads of congealed diaper liner…my life is a chili-fest port-o-potty. What is that damn light? It hurts! Stop with all that fucking giggling, it’s like a bunch of fucking pink bats — get away from me and stop being adorable when I’m attempting to wallow in misery, who the hell let you in here, My Little Pony? I will not acknowledge it may be getting better right now because that might prove me right, dummy, and I am always WRONG, remember?? Whaddayamean, either way, I’m right? Who are you, Schrödinger’s Cat (litter box)? Ed? Who’s Ed? Oh, Id? Never heard of it. Pass me the sunblock.
Second Thoughts On “Daddy’s Lessons” From Beyoncé’s Lemonade:
By: Rev. C. Ocean Romero
Tags: Poetry, Musical Poetry, Beyonce, Poetic Prose, PTSD

Second Thoughts On “Daddy’s Lessons” From Beyoncé’s Lemonade:

(Poetic Prose)

Beyoncé’s “Daddy Lessons” plays in the background. Again.

I listen to this album often. When I want to feel empowered. When I’m in a bitchy mood. When I am mad at my new husband — the light of my life. I call him my “happily ever after.” I know I will spend the rest of my life with him.

When I am in a good place, I know he has my forever because of all the joys we share, from the tiny simple exchanged glances which lead to sweet giggles and then etch themselves into my heart long after I’ve forgotten how they got there to the massive, major soul shattering moments: orgasms painted in gasping song and scratched backs, salty sweet tears creating pathways never streamed before or again prompted by whispered secrets and sudden revelations and unexpected gifts…

When I am in a bad place, I know he has my forever because I am tired of starting all over again over and over and I will just stay to avoid the unspoken melancholy underlying the tango of falling in love with a new person…and that person’s family….and pets…and habits…and whole life…while you offer up, piece by vulnerable piece, bits of yourself, and your life, for them to chew in front of you, waiting for that moment when they spit out that first unpleasant taste and the relationship goes from “pretty” to “real”…

A line from the song — the line which previously poked me — now kung fu kicks me with full force on the side of my skull. Did she just say…?

“…God is playing you….”

Wait, what??

“My daddy warned me about men like you / He said baby girl he’s playin’ you”

GIRL. HE’S playin’ you.

GIRL. HE’S playin’ you.

Wow.

Why did I hear “God is playing you?” I don’t even need to finish the sentence. A quick glance back over that barren wasteland and I nod. I nod to no one. I nod to God.

Why make me the woman I am then dump me into this cesspool life? Why create ugly hearted people and bless them with wealth and opportunity?

It may be some troublesome man playin’ Beyoncé, but I’m pretty sure I’ve been played by God.
The Wisdom of Our Bodies
By: Stephenie Zamora
Tags: Grief, Healing, Happiness, Life Lessons, PTSD

“I’ve never heard anyone talk about their body the way you do,” he said, “as if it’s its own entity.” Trauma shifted my relationship to my body.

It had to, because it was the only way I could begin to heal.

Learning there was a label for my experience was helpful, because I could learn more about what it meant to have PTSD, as well as what it would take to truly heal from it. I could try to read books and retain information with a brain that didn’t hold much of anything, and I could give words to an experience that was all things maddening. I could ask for help, because I had a place to start.

But mostly, I could look at my body when I began to spin out in panic and say to it gently, “look at you doing a thing in response to this other thing.” Separating myself from my body allowed me to witness what was happening and tune into the greater wisdom at play. To stop feeling like a victim trapped inside my own skin and to begin taking back just a little bit of the reigns.

People told me often, “maybe this is just how you are now.” As if I should just find peace with ‘what was’ rather than trying to get back to functioning how I could before. They meant well, truly. But it implied there wasn’t anything I could do about it, so maybe I should just stop ‘worrying’ and get on with my life.

I didn’t listen.

Because the truth is, our bodies contain so much more wisdom than we often give them credit for. Intuition lives in the body. Trauma and heartache and all kinds of grief are stored in the body. In our bones… our cells… every inch of our being. Our bodies are always communicating what they need for healing, if we’re willing to listen. If we stop ignoring the blatant signs and settling for ‘this is just how I am now’. There were so many moments I felt like my body was betraying me, but it was just talking to me all along. Pleading with me. Telling me what it needed and how I was continuing to hurt it. In the actions I took, the people and experiences I was tolerating, and the way I dealt with or avoided my emotions.

What is your body trying to communicate to you?

And are you willing to stop and listen?

💕