Can we agree ASMR is just brainwashing which leaves gullible people psychologically naked?
By: Argumentative Penguin
Tags: Humor, Social Media, Psychology, YouTube, Asmr

You can’t navigate Youtube without some bumbling fuckwit tapping a microphone knowingly. Sometimes they brush the microphone with a pleasant but eerie smile. They often whisper non-sequiturs and stir yoghurt. It’s like society has fallen into a Monty Python sketch. But no. This is the world of ASMR creation and some people are making a fortune.

The ONE formal study into ASMR (2015) describes it thus:

Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response (ASMR) is a previously unstudied sensory phenomenon, in which individuals experience a tingling, static-like sensation across the scalp, back of the neck and at times further areas in response to specific triggering audio and visual stimuli. This sensation is widely reported to be accompanied by feelings of relaxation and well-being. The current study identifies several common triggers used to achieve ASMR, including whispering, personal attention, crisp sounds and slow movements

And so the big game of ‘I can’t see the Emperor’s scrotum’ begins. Hundreds of thousands of people now claim that they can’t sleep without the soothing sounds of ASMR.

This is despite the fact that five years ago everyone was sleeping fine. I don’t remember people keeling over on a daily basis from sleep deprivation. I don’t remember everyone needing a prescription to Bob Ross to get through the night.

Which is why I’m calling bullshit on ASMR

I don’t doubt that ASMR is a thing. I imagine that a social species like ours would have a positive feedback response to specific stimuli. It also makes sense for that to be whispering and soothing close personal behaviours. It makes perfect sense. I’m not trying to overturn the ONE scientific study into this phenomenon. I don’t have a problem with the science. I have a problem with people’s thinking.

What’s wrong with ASMR and people’s thought processes?

Human beings suffer from many brain failings, some of which I highlight in my articles. We have a tendency to conform to what other people think and hate feeling excluded. This means if a twenty-something is offering head orgasms from her bedroom-cum-foley studio, you’ll sign up. You’ll sign up because your friends did. If they feel it. You feel it too. Not at first. At first, you’ll believe everyone is fucking mental. Then faced with cognitive distress of exclusion, you’ll feel it too.

Before you know it, you’ll be come an acolyte in the sinister and ridiculous world of ASMR

You’ll believe that you can’t sleep unless someone smacks their lips or uses a brush to clean a microphone. You’ll find yourself waxing lyrical about being whispered at whilst you fall asleep. People like me will point out that this was previously the preserve of horror movies.

You won’t care. You’ve got a prescription to Bob Ross.

Conformity is strong. The desire to belong is strong. The ASMR effect is optional bullshit on which you can base your relaxation habits. If you enjoy funnelling money towards people who are dicking around then go ahead. I’m not going to stop you.

A note of caution for ASMR enthusiasts

If you create a habit, and you reinforce that habit then there’s a chance that you’ll get stuck. Convince yourself that you can’t sleep without a chittering human-cicada deep-throating a microphone and you won’t be able to. Your brain doesn’t like you to be wrong. Your insane devotion to this mad fad will stick around. A lifetime of worshipping at the altar of the bizarre.

Youtubers cashing in are like the tailors in ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes’. They will leave town with piles of cash before the delusion breaks. Those people who swear by ASMR will find themselves feeling ridiculous. Caught standing around without their psychological clothes on.

In ‘The Emperor’s New Clothes’, it takes a child to point out that the eponymous hero is nude. Suddenly, the spell breaks. Everyone laughs and claims to have been able to see his hairy scrotum the entire time. There is a great deal of mirth.

ASMR isn’t a naked middle aged man with vanity issues, but it’s not far off that level of ridiculous. Keep watching those videos if you want. Keep convincing yourself that you’ve got a wonderful new relaxation hack for your psychological wellbeing. On behalf of the estate of Bob Ross and the hundreds of youtubers laughing their way to the bank, thank you.

I will continue to sit over here and laugh. ASMR in my mind stands only for Asinine Stupid & Mentally Retrograde.