A Bodybuilder Goes to the Movies
By: H. L. Warren
Tags: Humor, Movies, Fitness, Culture, Film

A Bodybuilder Goes to the Movies

For art to evolve it requires new perspectives.

Photo by Damir Spanic on Unsplash

Who is to say what makes a movie good or bad? The Shawshank Redemption is loved by millions yet there are those who view it as nothing but sentimental trash. Citizen Kane is always near the top of critics’ polls but how many members of the general public care about the significance of Rosebud? Watching movies is a highly subjective business; incorporating other people’s perspectives into the cinematic experience can richly enhance the depth of our own understanding. With this in mind, I asked gym owner Mitch Thorn to review a selection of movies. I hope his outlook aids your own appreciation for years to come.

A Good Day to Die Hard

15 ‧ 2013 ‧ Action/Thriller ‧ 1h 41m

Has Bruce Willis got a screw lose? Five Die Hard movies in twenty five years: that’s all the time in the world to fill out a vest. Zero progression. If he’s stuck on a 10x3 lifting routine he only has himself to blame. Just look at what Stallone managed throughout the Rocky franchise. Or Jackman in the first X-Men compared to Days of Future Past. That’s how you buckle down and turn yourself into a credible action hero.

Disappointed with a vengeance. 2 out of 10.

West Side Story

PG ‧ 1961 ‧ Musical/Romance ‧ 2h 33m

What’s with the singing? How you going to solve gang conflict if they’re ‘la la la’ at each other all day. The youngsters need to be down the gym; once the Sharks and the Jets are working-out together, taking it in turns to spot the bench press, they’ll soon forget about who is supposed to be hating who. Seriously, enough with the singing.

Misguided. 4 out of 10.

The Social Network

12A ‧ 2010 ‧ Drama/History ‧ 2h 1m

Let me get this straight. This douchebag got his big break by judging other people? With his shoulders? His core is so weak he can’t even sit up straight when being dumped by his girlfriend. If the future belongs to weeds like him we are all doomed.

Terrifying. 3 out of 10.

American Beauty

18 ‧ 1999 ‧ Romance/Drama ‧ 2h 2m

A real tragedy. Lester was just getting a grip on life when he goes and gets himself killed. Sure, he wasn’t putting up big numbers in his garage but everyone has got to start somewhere. Throw in a comprehensive back routine, a couple of Olympic lifts, and an impressive physique was his for the taking.

A bit too upsetting for my taste. 5 out of 10.

It’s a Wonderful Life

U ‧ 1946 ‧ Drama/Fantasy ‧ 2h 15m

George Bailey: good guy but overrated. If he really was the big man in town he would have been running the Bedford Falls Gym. There’s your heartbeat of the community. That’s the person a town can’t afford to lose. Who do you think the people of Columbus, Ohio rely on? Mitch Thorn all day long.

Signs of potential. 6 out of 10.

Annie Hall

PG ‧ 1977 ‧ Romance/Comedy ‧ 1h 33m

The little guy can’t hang on to a girl? He starts searching the universe for answers? Look a bit closer to home buddy. If you want me to critique your bicep to triceps ratio, first you are going to have to grow some biceps and triceps. I’m amazed he doesn’t fall over more often. When you’re that weak, gravity has got to be your number one enemy. Somebody call the hospital, we’ve got a chump in need of an intravenous protein drip.

Desperate times. 3 out of 10.

Jaws

12A ‧ 1975 ‧ Horror/Thriller ‧ 2h 10m

Amity Island could have done with some powerlifters. One true athlete wielding a dumbbell and it is all over for the shark. Why are you looking at me like that? You think I wouldn’t be competitive in an aquatic environment? You think I couldn’t take on a creature of the sea? Get the hell out of here.

Shark poo. 3 out of 10

Groundhog Day

PG ‧ 1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Did somebody say, ‘Wasted opportunity’? Trapped in the same day for over eight years and he doesn’t put on a single pound of lean muscle? Never mind learning the god damn piano, you’ve been gifted every bodybuilder’s dream scenario. Murray has let himself down.

Beyond angry. 2 out of 10.

The Sound of Music

U ‧ 1965 ‧ Musical/Family ‧ 2h 55m

More singing? This movie could be over in five minutes, the other 2 hours and 50 minutes are surplus to requirements. How do you solve the problem of a hyperactive nun? Force them to become governess to seven children? You have to be kidding me. All Maria needed was a gold membership card for Mitch’s Gym and a high-energy training routine devised by one of my top instructors. No doubt about it. An intense session every morning equals the perfect state of mind for convent life.

Unnecessary. 4 out of 10.

Couple’s Retreat

15 ‧ 2009 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 53m

I don’t get it. The women all workout but the men look like they’ve never seen a gym in their lives? All lined up on the beach you would never guess they were couples. Bateman has bagged Bell? Favreau gets Davis? They don’t even look like members of the same species. What the hell is going on? Has someone got an explanation for this old timer?

Mitch Thorn is about to lose his mind. 1 out of 10.

Predator

18 ‧ 1987 ‧ Action/Sci-fi ‧ 1h 47m

Now we’re talking. Schwarzenegger. Weathers. Ventura. Landham. Hall …

Bullseye. 10 out of 10.