How to Survive if You Are An Abused Man
By: Jason Weiland
Tags: Abuse, Domestic Violence, Mental Health, Relationships, Self

Note: Parts of this story are an amalgam of different stories and not a telling of my own experience with my own relationship. This information is based on the first-hand experience from men who confided in me and allowed me to try to explain this issue in a way that others could understand.

He had been walking on eggshells because he knew when her mood changed as it had, she would lose her temper and start hitting and slapping him. It was only a matter of time. He could see the misery in her face and knew she was itching to spread it around.

She wanted everyone else to feel the pain she was experiencing. She had already spent the morning nagging him about every little thing and calling him every hurtful name she knew.

Loser. Lazy. Stupid. Moron. Pussy.

He knew it was his fault she was like this. He didn’t do enough around the house and slept an extra half-hour today. He knew he was a worthless husband; she told him so many times.

She was on one of her tirades, waiting for him to talk back. And he would talk back, even just getting out the word “but” before she was on him punching, slapping, and kicking. He would take it without fighting back. He wouldn’t even try to defend himself. Because if she had a mark on her, she would call the police and tell them that he had abused her. She’d threatened him with the same scenario many times before.

She would threaten to kick him out to the street with no money. She would try to break his phone. She would leave him with no hope and no other choice to take what she gives him. There was nothing he could do.

“No one will believe you!”

Maybe later, when the dust clears, he will finally do himself a favor by ending his life.

Maybe today he finally would.

Photo by Nijwam Swargiary on Unsplash

Men Are Abused All the Time

Men are victims every day; most times, the abuse from a male or female partner is not reported.

Why not?

Look at what we see in the media. As soon as a battered man makes accusations, everyone is quick to say, “Oh, but look how much bigger and stronger he is. How could she have hurt him?”

Then there is the gaslighting. “It’s your fault. Look what you made me do!” “You shouldn’t have made me mad, you know I have a bad temper!” Most start to question whether they aren’t the real abuser, even though they are clearly the victim. When this happens often, they start to believe it is all their fault and they are always in the wrong.

Researchers Alyson Huntley and colleagues at the University of Bristol say that the abused men they interviewed worried no one would believe them if they were to open up about abuse, or they would be perceived as less virile or masculine.

From my own experience with toxic masculinity, I know many men would feel ashamed to admit they are afraid of their abuser, and they choose not to disclose the abuse to anyone because they know people would call them a “pussy” or a “wimp”

“The issue of masculinity is a societal one — men are not expected to be the weak ones. It is a hard stereotype to work against,” Huntley told Reuters.

Men who are the victim of abuse feel worthless and weak, and many times think suicide is a better answer to the problem than coming clean with the truth. Finally, the men may truly love their abuser and don’t want anything bad to happen to them or don’t want others to think negatively of them, which they would if he exposed the truth.

It is always a difficult situation.