5 reminders for those struggling with rejection
By: Shermaine Law
Tags: Courage, Relationships, Love, Self Love, Trust

Most of the time… it is not you

I have been in and out of relationships since the beginning of secondary school. Broken relationships were like knives to my self-esteem and self-worth. It came to a point where I was convinced that the problem was me and I am just unlovable. It took a few years when I realize that I was not the problem, it just was not a match.

In a world that glorifies relationships, it does not place enough emphasis on knowing yourself first. Figure out what you are like, your personality, what you do not like. Spend some time knowing yourself before trying to know someone else. By knowing yourself, I do not mean what your friends think of you, but rather, reflect objectively with yourself. I only really understood what kind of person I am and till date, I am still discovering more about myself.

We must understand that have unique needs and traits. A partner is like a key to the lock. There will be a certain type that just clicks. You did not get rejected because there are too many fishes in the sea and no one wants you, but it’s because there are so many fishes in the sea and there is only one for you.

Albeit rejection is always difficult to accept, especially when we think that he/she was the one. We put our 110% in that relationship hoping it will go somewhere, or we hold expectations for it to go somewhere; but it does not. After all the crying, the rants, and the stuffing yourself with food, take some time off to reflect on the relationship. You will be surprised by the insights you gather.

2. Sometimes it is a blessing in disguise

I had relationship that did not work out and I placed my 200% in that. When it ended, my life started to crumble. But 6 years later, I realized that the breakup saved me a lifetime of misery. Often time when we are in the situation, we are unable to see the bigger picture.

This goes for life as well.

Some might say I am quite an unlucky person, always coming close but never getting the opportunities I sought after. That really sucked and I wondered if it was my own capability. Other doors opened, albeit smaller but it taught me more about the industry I was pursuing, and it gave me more opportunities than the bigger companies I went after. It helped me realize the kind of companies I would want to work in. Sometimes, bigger does not always mean better and rejection is not always bad. It is for something better to come.

3. Trust in the process

Society pitches to us this idea that rejection equates to failure and we should avoid failure at all cost. Failure is for the incompetent, for the ones who are not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough etc. Failure, however, should be an opportunity to learn. Rejection should be an opportunity to reflect.

Reflection is important. It allows us to find out what is going right, what is going wrong, how can we improve as human beings. It is not just a reflecting on how you can hit the next KPI, or if you did your hair right to catch that guy/girl you went on a date with.

Rejection is an opportunity to sit down with yourself, analyze yourself and your traits. It is going to the roots and understanding yourself. The biggest growth is caused by yourself, your mindset, your attitude, and your character

So, trust in the process. You might uncover something you never knew what there.

4. Stop comparing

Comparison is poison to your heart. But did you know that we are always comparing ourselves with people better than us. That is what we are primed to do. Where? On our social medias! We look at another person and go ‘oh he is so good looking’, ‘oh she is so much prettier,’ ‘wow, they are doing so well in life.’ Familiar thoughts? Yes, we all go through it.

As a result, we often feel like we are not good enough until we are the cream of the crop. We will always seek to have the same level of success, just like the people on our Instagram feed, curated by an artificial intelligence.

Comparing will never end because there will always be someone that is better than you. That is the reality of life. That does not mean that you are bad or inadequate, you are good at what you are doing, you have your own strengths which others do not. Put it this way, there is someone looking at you and going ‘damn that person is so good at what they do’ but you just do not see it because you are too busy comparing.

This may all sound like fluff because it is easier said than done. But I experience this firsthand because I always felt like I was mediocre at the stuff I do. Never good enough, always serving average quality. But it took someone to tell me ‘hey you are actually really good at this’ to make me realize that I have traits that make me good enough, different from the influencer who I compare myself to, but my own unique strengths that others value in me.

Yes, capitalism and Singapore in general breeds competition, but not everything is a competition.

5. Celebrate every small milestone, you deserve it.

Finally, it is important to celebrate yourself!! Let me repeat it again. CELEBRATE YOURSELF!

Subtle plug: I started my own brand @mello.sg that aims to normalize celebrating yourself.

It is so underrated, but it is so important. It is like going on a diet, you have your cheat days to keep you going on your diet. So, you do not burn out and start hating your diet. In the same way, when you achieve something small, or you managed to get through an exhausting day. Celebrate it! It could be buying yourself a small gift, or even getting Starbucks or whatever your favorite snack is. Splurge on yourself occasionally, you deserve it.

I realized life is already hard enough, why should I keep putting myself down. Some things may not go the way we want, but just the fact that we can accept it and find a new opportunity, that is worth celebrating. We may not be the best in the world, but we progress and improve daily and that is worth celebrating.

Do not be so hard on yourself. Remember, trust in the process.