Frequently Asked Questions Concerning Diane and Robert’s Wedding
By: H. L. Warren
Tags: Love, Humor, Romance, Feminism, Weddings

Frequently Asked Questions Concerning Diane and Robert’s Wedding

In light of recent events please read the following.

Photo by Ben Rosett on Unsplash

Is the wedding still going ahead Diane?

After much consideration I have decided to go ahead with the wedding.

Will Tina becoming to the wedding?

Tina will not be coming to the wedding. Tina will no longer be playing any part in my life or Robert’s life. Tina no longer exists.

Will the wedding be taking place on the 10th of August at Wokingham Town Hall?

The date of the ceremony remains the same but it will now be a weekend affair at the awe-inspiring Cliveden House. Robert believes the prestigious hotel will be a more fitting venue for the declaration of his love. He also appreciates how the buildings connection to 20th Century history serves as a valuable symbol for what can happen when bonds of trust are broken, whether that be conducting an affair with the mistress of a suspected Russian spy or simply a drunken fumble with a so-called friend of your fiancée.

How am I going to afford a weekend at the awe-inspiring Clivedon House?

Don’t worry. We will be paying for everyone’s weekend stay at Cliveden. Sorry, did I just say we? I meant to say, Robert. That’s right. Robert, and Robert alone, will be paying for everyone’s weekend at Cliveden.

This once-in-a-lifetime offer covers food and drink from Friday to Sunday — including travelling to and from the venue so please keep hold of your McDonald’s receipts — and any special circumstances e.g. upon arriving at the hotel you decide a new outfit will be needed for Saturday night.

How is Robert going to afford my weekend at the awe-inspiring Clivedon House?

Robert has borrowed a not insignificant amount of money from various family members and institutions. Certainly, paying the money back over the next ten years will be an arduous experience, and yet let us not forget that Robert will be saving a considerable amount of money now he has permanently sacrificed going out in the evenings to get irresponsibly drunk and behave in a way that puts at risk everything he holds dear.

Have you rewritten your vows?

My vows will now read as, ‘I will do whatever is necessary.’

Robert’s vows will take the form of a 2,000 word essay. He will be working around the key themes of loyalty, sobriety, appropriate behaviour, forgiveness is earnt, and dedication to a cause.

Is there anything we should know about the rest of the service?

I can’t think of any standout points. Obviously, whilst Robert awaits my arrival there will be a small number of tasks to carry out. When Aunt Joan applies lipstick she is going to need someone to hold her false teeth, Aunt Mary will require help applying her creams etc.

What about the wedding reception?

What with all the rich and exotic food being consumed over the course of the weekend, we thought people might appreciate a good old fashioned carvery for our wedding meal. Robert will be cutting and serving turkey, chicken, beef and gammon. As you have no doubt experienced when visiting carvery restaurants, the chefs do get rather hot under the lights, so please make allowances when Robert removes his jacket at the two hour mark.

What will be your first dance?

After such a strenuous day I don’t think I’ll have the energy for any rehearsed dance moves. Robert, however, will be performing a prolonged Irish jig. Some may be intrigued to discover Robert has chosen this particular avenue of expression, what with his lack of rhythm and his lifelong fear of stepping foot on a dancefloor, but I have learnt from experience that Robert is full of surprises. When forming a circle around the artist, please allow a five metre circumference so Robert has room for the breakdancing section of his routine.

Are you still going on honeymoon?

Robert has professed a profound desire to oversee the building of our new kitchen. I will therefore be taking my bridesmaids to Barbados. I know many of you will be wondering, ‘Surely an expensive kitchen renovation will take longer than a week?’ Quite right. That is why Robert has extended the girls holiday to a fortnight.

Is there anything else you need to tell us?

I think that just about covers everything. All there remains to say is how very much in love we are and Robert cannot wait to see you all on our big day.