How to Have a Fulfilling Social Life with Social Anxiety
By: Pandora Domeyko
Tags: Life, Self, Anxiety, Friendship, Mental Health

Anxious or shy?

Social anxiety goes beyond simply feeling shy around others. Small tasks like talking on the phone or going to the grocery store seem huge, scary, and overwhelming. Eye contact is nearly impossible. You always worry about being observed or judged by others, embarrassing yourself, and getting stuck in unplanned social interaction.

For me, it started as a fear of judgment, but the habits I formed out of social anxiety turned into a security blanket. Though I now care far less what people think, I still find myself seized with anxiety in some situations. Sometimes, it makes sense — like when my friends walk through the streets singing happily, and I’m too preoccupied with how silly we look to join in. Other times, my anxiety is senseless — I’m about to meet with friends for a coffee and get a sudden, overwhelming urge to cancel and stay in watching Netflix.

Social anxiety is a constant battle, but there are a few simple things that have helped me in my life-long quest to be a social butterfly with social anxiety.

Initiate plans that excite you

There are two keys here: Initiate and excite.

I find that I can be quite passive when it comes to plans with friends, so it helps to push myself a little to make plans when I look at my day and see I have a large chunk of free time. I know that otherwise, I’d just be sitting at home, so I might as well spend that time with a friend.

And, of course, I choose something I actually want to do. You’re more likely to show up if it excites you.

Then, follow through on them

Speaking of showing up, I can’t count how many times I’ve postponed, canceled, or arrived late. I know that this is straight-up disrespectful, and my anxiety may provide a reason, but certainly doesn’t provide an excuse.

I know that it isn’t right to allow my own issues to affect my friends.

Having social anxiety isn’t my fault, but it is still my responsibility to ensure my issues aren’t hurting others. We are all a little messed up, but our own responsibility is to get help and work on ourselves, especially when our issues start to affect those we care about.

This reason is why it’s important that when you make plans, you follow through on them. Of course, if you’re knee-deep in a panic attack, you shouldn’t push yourself to go anywhere or do anything. But if your thoughts are caught in the anxious spiral, try to get out for a little bit. The distraction could be helpful — much better than sitting at home — and you could end up having a pretty good time anyway.

Be present when you’re there

A major issue I face when I go out with friends is that I sometimes feel too distracted/anxious/foggy to have a good time. This is a common feeling with anxiety. So obviously, this tip is easier said than done, and cannot always be controlled. But the more you practice, the better you become. These techniques help:

Remember, anxiety is natural, but it is not reality. Correct your anxious thoughts to represent reality.

reality. Correct your anxious thoughts to represent reality. Deep breathing. 4 in 4 out count works well, as does 4 in 6 out — make sure out-breaths are equal or longer than in-breaths.

Notice your body. The air around you on your skin, your heart beating, any sensations you feel. Notice what you can smell and hear. Focus all your attention on that.

Or focus on what you’re doing. Zero-in on the plate in front of you or the words your friends are saying. Bring up a topic that interests you to ensure you pay attention.

Using these techniques often help me feel more present in the situation, a bit clearer-headed and in-the-moment instead of focusing on how I look to others or the laundry I forgot to do.

Set and keep boundaries

Time alone is just as valuable as plans with others. So, set boundaries with your friends. Make sure they understand how much time you can spend and how much you need for yourself. Don’t over-schedule or say yes to plans you can’t realistically keep.

If you need to, keep a solid amount of time to yourself. You have to remember to give yourself space and not push too hard. If you aren’t feeling it, you aren’t feeling it. Accepting instead of forcing it prevents you from spiraling deeper into the anxiety breeding ground of guilt and shame.

Be honest with those close to you

Opening about my anxiety changed my relationships for the better. It put a reason behind my behaviors that might have been confusing or even hurtful. For this reason, I think talking to those you love about your anxiety is an important part of the process.

But remember to explain that you are working on it and that you don’t want it to affect your relationships. While they might not fully understand the condition, they will be more understanding overall when you say no to plans, or even when you have to postpone or cancel.

This may be very scary to do. For me, telling those close to me about my anxiety is terrifying — I always feel like one day they’ll up and leave, thinking I’m too crazy or too much work. But I know deep down that if they do, they weren’t meant to be in my life.

Respond to texts/calls when you get them

This is super simple. Instead of putting off answering texts or phone calls, even missed ones, respond right away. Don’t overthink it. Otherwise, you will forget, or keep putting it off and making it a bigger deal than it is. This goes for everyone — friends, debt-collectors, your great aunt in Florida.

Enjoy your time alone (and don’t spend it feeling guilty or trying to get too much done)

For a long time, I spent all my time either working or filling my free hours with friends. Productivity and fear of laziness is another big trigger for my anxiety, so doing nothing, or doing something wholly unproductive like watching reality TV, tends to trigger all kinds of self-judgmental thoughts.

I have to remind myself (and you should too) that turning my brain off is incredibly beneficial. Nobody should be thinking and worrying and working all the time. Alone time is important, as we have already said, and you deserve to enjoy it.