This Man’s Viral Post Sums Up My #MeToo Experience Perfectly
By: Kala Farnham
Tags: PTSD, Trauma, Mental Health, Sexual Assault, Self

I think I may have stumbled upon this post three years ago. There are passages that no doubt would have moved me. There are passages I probably wanted to deny. At the time I would have wanted to believe the men in my life were different: I wouldn’t want to believe that the men in my life would stand quietly on the sidelines, denying my experiences, out of a fear that what I’ve been through was a mirror of something they or their friends may have done to another woman — out of a fear that by supporting me, they would have to internally acknowledge that they were one of the “bad guys”.

But three years later — as I read and reread the words of this courageous man who dared to look his own wolf in the eye — I realize that most of what he’s said has become a mirror to my experience as an assault survivor.

1. “We are pretending their experiences did not happen.”

Years ago, I was drugged at a bar. When after one sip of my first drink the world was spinning and distorting, and I felt my muscles start to tremor, numb, and freeze I knew something was up. My first instinct was to turn to the friend beside me and ask for help. “Maybe it’s the lights,” he had said nervously— and proceeded to get up and walk away, leaving me alone at the table. On another occasion, a longtime friend of mine threatened me into submission while suffering from a delusional psychotic break.

When I shared a passage of writing that detailed the experience from start to finish, my friends were shaken and moved to tears — but when I revealed who it was about, their attitude changed. Despite the fact that several other people came forward about similar experiences with him over the years, most of our mutual friends offered their support to my assailant. He had told a different story about our “consensual experience”. He was believed, I was not. Both of these examples reflect how hard it is to believe that someone we know and love could be capable of assault. The only conclusion that maintains our sense of safety in the world is to conclude that the victim is lying.

2. “Men are raised in a society that teaches boys that they are entitled to have access to women’s bodies.”

Sexuality has never been easy for me, owing to a history of childhood sexual abuse that’s left me battling PTSD and flashbacks likely to be triggered by almost any form a sexual touch. It’s a disclaimer I’ve learned is best revealed to potential partners from the get-go, because I understand most men have a strong sexual need that I’m unable to fulfill. I tell people right off the bat, so they’re free to walk away if it’s not the right fit. The reality of my experience is that many men choose neither to leave nor accept my boundary — instead, they stick around and try to push through it. “I can’t not,” they’ll say. “I need to.”

It’s their explanation for why they pushed back when I tried to push them off me or pulled me closer as I tried to pull away, why they pressure even after I told them I wasn’t in a place that I could be physical without falling into another nightmarish cycle of flashbacks. They feel justified, I suppose, because they live in a world that taught them that as soon as I become their romantic partner, I give up ownership of my body; that they are entitled to access regardless of the boundaries I set. And while there’s nothing wrong with their sexual needs, the violation occurs when they choose to disregard mine rather than accepting my “no”, bowing out of the relationship, and seeking a partner who is on the same page as they are.

3. “The game teaches men to assume that women want what we want.”

In every relationship I’ve had since beginning my healing journey from sexual abuse, I’ve headed my therapist’s advice and set a physical boundary. The boundary is accompanied by a clear explanation of how my previous trauma impacts my ability to be physically intimate. And on more than one occasion, my partner denies my experience, instead accusing me of infidelity or sexual attraction towards another man.

Why is it so hard for a man to understand that sexual abuse could be a trauma with lingering after-effects? That just like a veteran of war could be triggered into a series of visual, physiological, and emotional flashbacks at the sound of fireworks — a survivor of sexual assault could be triggered into reliving her own nightmare with as little as a touch or a smell that reminds her of her assailant? Society has programmed men in a way that many are unable to imagine a scenario where they would be repelled by sex or where a woman would be repelled by sex with them. So when I confided in my partners about my traumatizing experience of sex and my ensuing lack of sexual desire, the only conclusion they could come to was that I was lying.

3. “The game teaches women that they are supposed to want what men want. Men benefit from this, women do not, but the game is rigged to hurt everyone.”

In the short term, I stayed in relationships where my boundaries were pushed. I stayed because I’ve grown up in a society that taught me I’m supposed to desire sex all the time. I stayed because society tells me I’m required to have sex whenever my partner desires it. I stayed because I felt that ignoring my own wants and needs was the only way to receive “love” in return.

I stayed, even though staying meant sabotaging my own sexual healing process by echoing the message I had been told during my childhood trauma: “your body is an object made to please others, and your boundaries and your pain don’t matter.” In the short term, the men who pushed me into submission may have felt they benefitted from it. Their primal urges were fulfilled. But in the end, I’ve chosen to walk away from every relationship where this game of cat and mouse was mutually played out.

And this year — regardless of whether men continue to be persuaded by society of their entitlement to my body— I’ve made a vow that I’ll never stay in a relationship where my needs and boundaries aren’t respected again. Because if “the only way to end that cycle is to reject the game itself,” I’ve got news for you: I’m done playing.