Don’t Forget I’m a Vegetarian Even Though Thanksgiving is on Zoom This Year
By: Stacey Curran
Tags: Vegetarian, Covid 19, Thanksgiving, Humor, Family

Humor

Don’t Forget I’m a Vegetarian Even Though Thanksgiving is on Zoom This Year

Get over the burned tofu already

Photo by Meelika Marzzarella on Unsplash

To: Family <all>

Re: Thanksgiving Dinner 2020

Hi Everyone!

I am super excited to get this group email going so we can plan our individual, but-still-together, Thanksgiving. Let’s call it Zoomsgiving! Before we get too far into it, though, I want to revisit some emotional leftovers from last year.

Since Thanksgiving 2006, I have repeatedly told this entire family that I am vegetarian. But you’ve all continued to serve only turkey, year after year. I get that turkey is a tradition, and you all love it so much, but we could serve a meat alternative.

That does not mean chicken either, even though your friend who calls herself a vegetarian eats chicken fingers. I don’t. And since we will be on camera this year, you can’t deny you roll your eyes at me when I say that, so just don’t. I may be recording the meeting and I might be able to check.

Since the year I brought turkey shaped tofu, and one of you shoved it in the back of the oven and it caught on fire, I have felt shunned. We all know who pushed it that far back so they could fit their au gratin in when they showed up late. I paid for everyone’s dry cleaning and bought new curtains because yes, the smoke was unusual and yes, it did permeate everything. It was surprisingly acrid. But the firefighters were nice and Ashley even knew one of them from high school.

No one ever says anything when you-know-who brings all that cigarette-smell-tinged food. That is permeating. Also, I don’t believe anyone’s hair piece still smells like burned tofu turkey product. So you can stop saying that. Maybe just go with your bald spot instead? We all know you have one. And the oven was fine, once the fire extinguisher foam was cleaned out. I heard that one of you thought I should buy a new oven. Let late au gratin buy a new oven. Do you know how expensive dry cleaning is?

So yes, last year I brought a small hunk of seasoned tofu, in defiance of the ban. I had to. It was obvious that some of you would never remember I was a vegetarian, no matter how many times I told you. You only seem to recall when it comes to scorched tofu incidents that weren’t my fault. Remember at Ashley’s Sweet 16 party, when I’d already been a vegetarian for like four years? The only pizza there was pepperoni.

So, when dinner was served and everyone was passing the turkey, my tofu was nowhere to be found. Of course I asked where it was, and I wasn’t yelling. I was just asking. But everyone got all tense.

And one of you said, “Oh that white cheesy-looking watery stuff in the pan?”

“Obviously, yes,” I said, and then you all got quiet. It was silent even, and that never happens. You guys never seem to stop talking, especially about what singed tofu smells like. I almost thought about using the lull in conversation to mention all the migraines I’d been having, but then one of you asked Ashley’s college roommate about her new tattoo. Suddenly that tattoo was all the talk of the table and my tofu was trash. Just so you all know, you shouldn’t ask a guest to show you her new tattoo. You just shouldn’t.

I just had to sit, and say nothing, in front of your smelly casseroles and onion soup packet dips. All those things look gross to me. Yep, I heard a few of you call my tofu gross. It’s not. It totally takes on the flavor of whatever you cook it with and it stops jiggling if you slice it thin, and cook it well enough. But not so well that it starts an oven fire, I know! That was one time!

So, a simple ask this Zoomsgiving: Can you all just make sure not to eat any turkey in front of me? I can finally escape that carcass in the middle of a table on virtual Thanksgiving. Also, a lot of you chew with your mouths open and I will be looking tight in your faces.

Which reminds me, several of you told me to get the tofu out of your face last year. I was just showing you what it looked like. What a total overreaction on your parts. But it is fine. Just keep your turkey off camera. I won’t ever again mention how my personal protein choice was deemed garbage by one of you, and I bet I know who. I haven’t been thinking about it since last year. It probably isn’t even one of the reasons I am still having migraines.

Let’s get this Zoomsgiving planned! Once you click on the pop up that certifies you agree to the no-visible-turkey-chomping rule, you can fill out the survey about what time we should eat “together.” I hear Ashley has a different roommate this year. Hopefully, she doesn’t have a new tattoo for you all to ask her about.

Maybe her roommate will be a vegetarian, too. It would be nice to feel less alone in this family. But I hope she’s not a vegan. Everyone knows they are real attention seekers.

©Stacey Curran, 2020