I Stopped Mocking Myself for a Day and the Results Were Amazing
By: Phoenix Huber
Tags: Self Improvement, Comedy, Productivity, Writing, Diary

My latest diary entry crowned me a Self-Deprecation Queen.

I titled it Confessions of a Terribly Absentminded Trans Girl: How would you save a clown version of Cinderella? I poked fun at myself and portrayed my situation as pathetic.

Using myself as a comedic punching bag is JOY. It lets me vent aggression at my inadequacies while savoring the attention. As a sensitive introvert, criticizing myself before anyone else can (but jokingly) seems to disarm and endear. It’s helped me better connect with people.

When traditional “confidence” didn’t work, I learned to humorously humble myself. Self-deprecation gave me an unexpected “alt confidence”that’s been all I could ever ask for. Thank you, Natalie Tran.

However, there are drawbacks to constantly insulting oneself. When I get too in the zone zapping my own character with creative disses, here’s what I notice happening:

I become more self-focused than I want to be. Coming up with jokes at my own expense gets addicting and distracting.

I subconsciously set myself up to fail! Because failure = material for my next satire article, right?

I don’t try my best, admit my strengths, or truly shine. Success would go against the very core of this self-effacing personality I’ve constructed…

I was glad I got the “clown Cinderella” rant out of my system. I wouldn’t take back anything I said.

But after entering “Research Day” Wednesday without a plan and doing everything but researching, I was ready for a self-deprecation vacation.

On Thursday, I was able to think straight and I pitched to 5 publications that pay per article. I’ve only earned through the Medium Partner Program and have been meaning for months to get pitching!

Overall, the latter half of this week has been a poopy dump of a slump that makes me go hrumph. So I just want to re-live what went right Thursday afternoon. See what I can learn.

5 things.

I finished making my lists of 28 dares to grow as a writer + 28 adulting challenges. Both are “due” December 11 for my 28th birthday. For Thursday, I would take on this first dare: “In one day, pitch to 5 publications that pay.” When I know what actions and results I’m looking forward to, motivation surges. Took a long walk around the neighborhood and I took my phone with me. I scrolled through my drafts folder and thought about potential pitches. I swear, strolling the beautiful scenery with my vermilion iPhone 12 while generating writing ideas is a special form of self-care I plan to repeat. While still out walking, Stepmama texted me. She and my dad would be home in 20 with a guest on the way — could I sweep the entrance? Ha, that’s one way to send me flying home so I get some dang cardio! Sweeping was fun; then I went downstairs and got the first pitch done. And the second. By this time, I noticed I was as focused and determined as if it were Reset Night on Neopets. A rarity! Basically, my goal every day is to get as completely engrossed in something as I used to be in that excruciatingly-difficult-to-quit online game. Pitch #4 got sent with 15 minutes to spare before bedtime. Scrambling for #5, I quickly found an LGBTQ pub and emailed them 2 of my best articles along with bullet points of essays I’ll write next. Boom, just in time! A deadline a day keeps writer’s block at bay.

Your success streaks are SO worth reflecting on. Especially when your name is Phoenix and every success in your life is like a grove of date-bearing palm trees surrounded by miles and miles of desert nothing.

Oops, did I just self-defecate — I mean, self-deprecate again?

Game over. You made it 638 words without roasting yourself. Your high score is: 638 points. Better luck next time!

Speaking of next time, even though Saturday is half over and I’ve done near diddly-squat, let’s turn that around so I can update you more optimistically tonight.

I’ll review my lists and decide what to focus on. 9pm will be my deadline a day that keeps the writer’s block at bay. I’ll take another neighborhood hike, I’ll get my heart rate up, and I’ll get to work!

Only slightly less self-flagellating than usual, this is your friend Huber the Goober, slacking off!

Update: This afternoon I got back to a bunch of friends I’d waited too long to reply to. That was a big relief. My mama needed me to drive my dad to the store to get missing ingredients for their supper, and it made me feel useful and we ate together. On my evening walk, I brainstormed an upcoming article: “X Ways I’d Behave Differently if I Were More Altruistic.” Ahh, yes, this is going to be a good breakthrough post to get back on track with a more service-oriented psychology. Thank you for your patience with me. Sweet Dreams. 💗