You Are Precisely The Black Sheep God Intended You to Be
By: Dave Smurthwaite
Tags: LGBTQ, Love, Spirituality, Faith, Depression

Sitting together in my office, I can see that the toll of not belonging has overtaken Daniel.

His life is now driven entirely by his fears — the fear of forever being homosexual in a family of heterosexuals, a congregation of heterosexuals, a world of heterosexuals that would never understand the overwhelming discomfort that came from feeling differently than they do.

He’s spent a lifetime assuming everyone around him was white and pure while he, unfortunately, was cast as the lone black sheep.

He confesses to hating himself for who he is, considering his life a crime against God while simultaneously questioning why it had to be this way.

Listening to this confession born of self-hate, I prayed to know what I might say to help Daniel see that he was not alone and that, more importantly, he was not worthless in the sight of God.

“Daniel,” I began, “Daniel, can you look at me?”

Daniel looked up once again from his cradled hands.

“Daniel, you’re not a sin,” I continued. “Do you understand that? You’re not a sin.”

Never before had I spoken words with such conviction and desperation.

In that moment, I could detect the faintest spark of hope in Daniel’s bloodshot eyes.

It looked as though he had never considered those words before or, if he had, his self-doubt and self-loathing had long ago carried him lightyears away from any such hope.

He nodded with acknowledgment and a faint smile that added much-needed color to his cheeks.

Unfortunately, no words of mine and no time could heal Daniel’s hurt and loneliness.

He took his life three months later.

You are not alone

One of the most harmful thoughts we can entertain in life is that we alone suffer from internal demons, while the rest of the world passes us by in relative ease.

In a recent talk, Wendy Nelson, wife of the current prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, reminded listeners that we are never alone in our sense of not belonging:

“It’s time to stop comparing ourselves with others. It’s time to put away those erroneous views of ourselves and others. The truth is we are not as hopelessly flawed as we may think. And others are not as perfect as they may appear.”

Whether you’re Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Atheist, or any other degree of a denomination there’s a common principle that we all can agree on and all manage to forget on a near-daily basis: No one is perfect.

It’s not that we actually believe those around us are actually perfect. We see imperfection all around us, and yet fail to believe that anyone is as imperfect as we.

We become experts at convincing ourselves that A) no one understands our issues and B) no one struggles with it as much as we do, whatever it is.

The reality is we’re all walking messes, victims of years of life experience that have come with a personalized goodie bag of trauma, large and small.

We’ve all experienced hard things and, for the rare few that haven’t, they live in fear of the worst happening.

More importantly, we’re more beautiful because of the hard things in our lives. Hard events, especially highly traumatic events, create diversity and depth in our soul and allow us to develop empathy.

Without the lingering side effects of life experience, or “imperfections” as we see them, we’d never be able to truly understand or help a loved one in need. We’d never care to reach out because we’d have no understanding of what physical or emotional pain felt like.

It’s in our personal struggle and diversity that we find the cords to bind us all closer together.

It’s a shame too many of us don’t take more time to celebrate these parts within us, thus freeing our hearts and minds to love and accept the diversity life has to offer.

Embrace Diversity

It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength. — Maya Angelou

I think about Daniel often, about how his life experience might have been different if he’d not had to spend so much of his life fighting the demons born out of a lack of acceptance.

He forever felt he was the ugly black sheep: lost, rejected, and diametrically different from the rest of the fold.

There was no joy that came from being different, only pain and self-torture.

What would it have taken to make black both beautiful and universal for Daniel? What could he have accomplished in life, if only he’d been freed from his barbed-wire black-and-white enclosure?

Years have passed since that fateful night with Daniel, but I spent many an evening in that bishop’s office looking up at that Minerva Teichart painting inspired by Christ’s parable:

What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it? And when he hath found it, he layeth it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he cometh home, he calleth together his friends and neighbours, saying unto them, Rejoice with me; for I have found my sheep which was lost. I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance. — Luke15:4–7

Notwithstanding the tragic circumstances of Daniel’s, I’m more grateful than ever for our brief time together.

In one exchange, he taught me an invaluable lesson that I hope to pass on to anyone that will listen, especially my children.

That we are each the black sheep, worthy and in desperate need of lovingly being carried home.