I am Not a Hugger and I Wish More People Respected That
By: Leah O'Daniel
Tags: Writing, Trauma, Introvert, Life Lessons, Blog

I have always been a writer. It was my most favorite subject in grade school through college. At the encouragement of an English professor, I heavily debated changing to Creative Writing during my 5-year endeavor to get a degree. Spoiler alert- I didn’t, but I always kept writing in my back pocket. I have digital folders full of half-written novellas that will probably never see the light of day.

So, here we are on a blind faith leap into the scary world of the interwebs with this blog.

Becoming self-aware during my military-spouse infancy is perhaps the best thing that ever came from that tumultuous time. If you’re a military spouse too, you know exactly why I used the word tumultuous. Those first years are wild and difficult, and they never seem to slow down. I transitioned from a full-time student with three jobs to a stay at home dog mom and part-time college student in a new town with new people. I knew exactly 1 of those said people; my husband. I’ll save you all the intricacies of those difficulties and cut to the point here. I read and read and then read some more of my leftover psychology books. Took free versions of Meyers-Briggs tests and learned two of the most pivotal things about myself.

I am an INFJ I am an extreme introvert

Had I known these things earlier in my life- Wowza. Turns out, I wasn’t perpetually grumpy, antisocial, or “too caught up in things”. I was introverted and needed time to recharge. When I didn’t get that I was raging (I’ll let you choose the word here). I wasn’t antisocial, I just struggled to connect with people who felt insincere to me. Small talk made and continues to make me extremely uncomfortable. However, if you wanna chat about the ins and outs of life, I’m your girl. I didn’t get “too caught up in things”, I have an advocate personality.

Fast forward a decade and here we are. Having learned that these two things combined means I get burnt out and exhausted easily has allowed me to navigate life so much better. There’s one thing I am still struggling to figure out though. How do you navigate this life where introverts and INFJ’s are the minority, but you have a BIG personality? Most recently, how do I navigate life with these personality traits coupled with extreme grief?

Not a Hugger has always been a joke amongst my family and close friends. I am extremely private and reserved. But, not even a little bit affectionate. I am realistic to a fault. I listen well. I have a deep need to connect on a soulful level. I have sat with friends while they sobbed over things I can’t even remember and many things I can remember in detail. Listened intently to their entire life stories and tried my best to offer comfort or anything I thought might be helpful to them. I have rarely poured my heart and soul out in search of comfort and support. Introverts are like that.

Not a Hugger was born out of all these things combined. When you’re not a hugger who says what everyone else is thinking but doesn’t say, when you’re not a hugger who is extremely private, when you’re not a hugger who keeps their circle small out of introverted need;

It is assumed you are strong and capable. That you push people away because you don’t need help or support. They assume you are antisocial and don’t want to be their friend. You are perceived as a closed-off, sassy, strong person. And you absolutely are. These are your thorns and they are my thorns too. But that doesn’t eliminate your need to feel heard, loved, secured, or considerate.

When your crap hits the proverbial fan as Not A Hugger, the first response from most people is to just trample over top of your boundaries and LOVE IT OUT OF YOU. At the first hint of this, you bristle up. Thorns can grow literal feet when you feel violated or threatened or any version of uncomfortable. It’s perceived as a push away when it’s really a defense mechanism. It’s just how “you” work. You don’t mean to. You can’t help it. I want to connect with you, I really, really do. I just struggle to. I don’t mean to be so closed off. I feel vulnerable and exposed. Aside from that, I am brash. I say what I think long before I think. My mouth skips the filter, so to speak. I have learned to temper this part of myself because most people can’t get past the abrasiveness of what I said enough to truly hear me.

I am tired of tempering that part of myself. Going back to that blind leap of internet faith, I KNOW there are other people out there who feel this way too. I know because I have met them. I know because I have close friends in my circle who express this to me. Myself, friends, and acquaintances included who wonder, Ok, but where are my people who can love me while also respecting my boundaries when my sh* hits the proverbial fan?

I won’t try to speak for all the non-huggers out there. For me, I don’t need you to love me harder or louder. I need you to sit with me when I must replay my trauma in harsh, realistic, terms. I need you to probe a little further when you ask how I am, and I reply with “Alright. Fine. Okay. All good!”. I need you to respect my boundaries when I tell you for the 10th time in a row that no, I don’t want to come to your party. It’s not personal. I genuinely love you. I just don’t know how to navigate this part of my life with this introverted yet huge and strangely private personality I was given. But please know that I am trying. Hard.

If you’re also an introverted, Non-Hugger, I’d love to hear from you!