It's an anxiety.
Tags: Relationships, Anxiety, Narcissism, PTSD, Schizophrenia

It's an anxiety. I must continue to impress this person and show them all of who I am. But I'm worried, I'm worried they'll get bored, find out everything there is to know and leave anyway. So I act, I act - act out - I need more and more attention and I'll do anything to get it. Because if they're looking at me, at least they're not looking away.

There is an excitement to this unveiling and I get excited. I'm my most secure and comfortable self, the one you've got to see to believe. I act. The one that hopelessly draws them in. I frame my story for them in the way that I've had to inside, to cope with the painful memories. This is what makes me special. This is where I derive my strength, inspiration, and eccentricity. This is what will help me change the world.

And, they feel it, they really do. The words just roll off my tongue. I get high from myself. I'm enticing, powerful. I feel that I can do more with this new person by my side than I can ever do before. But who is it? This person I don't know strengthens me to such an extent. They're from many of the same and one common denominator - me.

Am I using these men as mirrors? Finding my worth through the reflection in their eyes? and I see that look in their eyes, they get big and glassy! Like the universe intended us, then it's only been a week. I feel it too, well they're telling me they feel it but who feels what first?

I know I'm in bits. I put myself out there so much, so dramatically. The words and the feelings that they catch and project back to me are absolutely vital. I must ensure that they stay and I have to hear it straight away. Once the words have left their mouth and I've absorbed them. With my hold on my hand and their heart, it does comfort for me - it's 'the' relationship.

Then reality sets in - I am real - I wasn't sent from heaven, the stories are painful and I suffer from the real-life repercussions of those events. Emotionally unregulated, up and down, anxious and upset, preoccupied with negative thoughts, reactive, agitated. All of a sudden I'm not so inspiring and celestial and precious and the god-given butterflies that filled their hearts before aren't comfortable - birthed too soon.

Those emotions weren't organic, weren't fulfilled truly and naturally over time. They held my love!! My passion!! My need and wish for belonging in a world that has let me down before. When I try to take some of it back, second-guess those sweet words they spewed before that sound so strange on paper now. I panic, betrayed!!! "You didn't mean any of it at all... what's wrong with you?! How could you say something like that if you didn't feel it?!!"

I'm puzzled because I saw their eyes, they were genuine and hopeful. I was a dream materialised. So what happened?? What did I do wrong? What part of me was so fucking intolerable, and unloveable as to negate every positive quality I know they saw and felt!?? I was building, building, building myself up again and in an instant of uncertainty, my walls came crumbling down.

This is how I survived abuse and neglect. By making people 'feel'. "Hello! I'm here!! I need love and affection! I need a mentor a friend! Take interest in me - you know you want to. I'm the most inspirational person you've ever known - just look!"

And it's worked. Self-proclaimed heedless parents, social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, support workers, relatives, and friends have noticed and responded. "You're strong - you'll get through this. I'm here for you. I'll help you" and it feels good. And I'm safe. And when our paths guide us apart, I begin the search again. I need that constant reassurance.

That external voice whispering in my ear because really... I'm not strong enough. My mind goes and goes and goes. I hold onto the memory of the last one for as long as possible and I long for their return. It's an obsession and with each birthday wish I will for the next one to come along and save me and like clockwork here comes another one...