4 Common Phrases People Use to Manipulate You
By: Dean J Murphy
Tags: Decision Making, Conversations, Manipulation, Self-awareness, Self Confidence

4 Common Phrases People Use to Manipulate You

— and what you can do about it.

Photo by pixpoetry on Unsplash

If you hear somebody start a sentence with one of the four following phrases, somebody may be trying to manipulate you. It does not mean everybody that uses these phrases is trying to manipulate you. Just start thinking more carefully if you hear a sentence that starts with …

1. You said …

The conversation does not start with these two words. Think back to the last time somebody tried to sell you something. Did he ask you a bunch of leading questions? Were the answers to the questions always a yes?

Lawyers and salesmen use scripts to get you to say yes repeatedly. They do this in the hopes that when they ask you the final question, “Are you guilty?” or “How would you like to pay for that?” the answer is yes.

If you answer no, the famous — “But you said …” comes into play. The funny thing is, you probably did not say what they claim you said. Because you answered yes to their questions, they imply you said “it.”

They are trying to back you into a corner. They want you to prove you did not say “it.” Who likes to be a liar?

If you are in this situation, time is on your side. Pause before you reply. The pause lets you think and make the opposite party uncomfortable. People dislike pregnant pauses in a conversation. Above all, avoid the knee jerk reaction.

You probably did not say it, and even if you did, it is not like it is a written and signed contract. You can always reply with something along the lines of — “I may have said something along those lines, but I think you misinterpreted my meaning.”

In the end, just say no, and accept the inconsistency. Do not let yourself be trapped into making a decision against your own interest. You probably do not need what they are selling anyway.

2. I would never …

This is often used by your family or your circle of friends. You want to buy a Prius. Your friend then starts with “I would never …”, implying that what you are thinking of doing, is something that is just not done in this group. It tries to impose a restriction on what you would like to do.

First, when somebody starts talking in absolutes, they have already lost. Very few things are always or never.

If you feel the statement is judgmental, keep this phrase handy — “Maybe you would or maybe you wouldn’t.” “Just because we are different in this respect does not mean I am better or worse than you.” “Are we not allowed to do things differently?”

You are not accusing, and it allows the other person to think about what they just said before replying to you.

3. Don’t throw away …

People fear more what they could lose as opposed to what they could gain. Even if the loss or gain is equal, the loss will be felt more.

A sentence that starts with “Don’t throw away” is playing on the fear of loss. This sentence is usually the result of somebody trying to talk you out of a decision you just expressed.

Thinking of changing careers? Don’t throw away all the hard work and years you put into this company to get to where you are right now to join the circus.

Thinking of breaking up? Don’t throw away what we have. We have been through so much.

That fear of loss is what makes you stay where you are. Instead of focusing on what you could gain or the direction you want your life to go, you are scared of losing what you now have. Even if it pains you to stay.

What you can say to yourself and them, if they will listen, “I am not focusing on throwing anything away.” “I am focusing on this new path.” “I understand and accept that if I do decide to go down this new path, as a consequence, I may have to give this up.”

This may or may not work for you. You may decide to stay. The important point is not to react immediately to those three words.

If it is time to go, it is time to go.

4. This is how we do things here …

You usually run into this situation when you enter a new work environment. You’re the new guy and want to run a project a certain way. You encounter resistance from someone that has been there longer than you, and he becomes dismissive. The next sentence is usually along the lines of “That is not the way we do that here.”

If you resist, you are usually accused of not trusting the person that uttered those words. You are new, so own it. Isn’t a second opinion a good thing?

If you are in this situation, you could try something like this. “It is not that I do not trust you.” “I am new here.” “I would not feel right making a decision at this level without getting more than one opinion.”

You haven’t said that you do not trust him. You did not even make it about him. It is about you. You are the one that needs a second opinion before you make a decision at this level. He may not think you are decisive. Who cares? It is better to be thought of as a fool than proving you are a fool.

I would never …

I would never leave you without a recap. It does not mean someone is trying to manipulate you just because they use one of these four phrases. It just means you need to be more attentive if you hear these phrases being used toward you.

You said … I would never … Don’t throw away … This is how we do things here …

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