The Edge of Intimacy
By: J Grant
Tags: Relationships, Fiction, Spirituality

Yohann-Libot on Unsplash

Sophia. Her name fit my journey. She had the charisma of a prophet which led me to drink from her knowledge. A knowledge which was so irresistible, I surrendered my identity. I asked her to be my friend and she said she thought we already were. The edge of intimacy was there.

I had never before opened my heart so completely. But she was so convincing, so certain that God was the most trustworthy of all. She said my thinking too much kept my heart closed. She convinced me to let go of my thoughts and allow God’s love into my heart. After several meetings with her I experienced my first true awareness of the presence of God’s love.

I was alone. A shower of ecstasy penetrated through me, inside my head, filling my heart, rushing throughout my body. I cried out for no other soul to hear, “What’s happening to me?” I was full of fear. I was full of joy. I cannot remember ever sobbing so heavily.

Later, I met her at the gym and told her what I had experienced. I told her how grateful I was. She assured me it was not her but God who had made it happen. She said she could not take credit for something she didn’t do. She referred me to a church she knew of. I went there and prayed with pastor Sam. He asked me if I wanted to believe in Jesus Christ and I told him I did. I vowed that I believed in Him as my savior. Pastor Sam welcomed me into God’s Kingdom.

Sophia told me I had taken a big step. She talked about Jesus’ crucifixion and considered Him a brother. She said the confidence I admired in her was a result of her “identity in Christ”.

She told me of a preacher who gave sermons. I listened to his recordings of “The Liberated Christian”, “Identity in Christ”, and “The Kingdom of God”. I learned about of duality of Spirit and flesh and how one can walk in the Spirit or in the flesh. How the flesh is in the world and engages in sin, but the Spirit is one’s “True Self” and is God within you. The edge of intimacy was always with us.

She fell in love and told me about Kim, her lover, a love so deep she had never known. She told me she had never experienced another’s tenderness, kindness and complete acceptance as she had with her. I felt a force of envy I didn’t know existed. This was the edge of intimacy.

She became so involved in this relationship she had no time for me. She felt she could no to longer keep up with my demands to meet with her. I accepted this loss with grief. She had changed my life, made me a better man, a new way to be in the world.

Then, we accidentally met at the gym. “Got a minute?” I asked. I wanted to tell her I had appreciated all she had done. But she responded with an emphatic, “No!” as she rushed past me. I called after her, at first softly, “Sophia”, then with a sharp angry tone “Sophia”! She ignored me and kept going. I rushed to her and stood in front of her. She had to stop. “I appreciate all you have done for me. If we can’t be friends, we can at least be friendly, I hope.”

I marched away to the jacuzzi. When she came through the door and saw me she headed to the sauna. I sank into the soothing warmth wondering if she would come. After several minutes she did, making furtive eye contact, then sank into the bubbling foam and put her head back, eyes toward the ceiling away from any meeting with mine. After several minutes I left for the locker room and drove home.

That night I couldn’t sleep. Angst was in bed with me. I decided to write her a letter even if I didn’t mail it. I had to disperse the energy swirling inside of me like the churning of the water in the jacuzzi. I reviewed our relationship and how it changed me. I said I didn’t understand what I had done to be the object of her ill will.

I decided to mail it with a note that it would help me with closure if she would acknowledge that she had read it.

Several days later she called me and told me she had read it. “I don’ have ill will. You just kept asking for more and more.”

“I understand. Thank you for letting me know. I appreciate all you have done for me.”

“OK” was all she said and hung up.

About five minutes later she called back. “I’m in a lot of pain. . . After I refused to talk to you, I went to see Kim. She broke my heart. . .told me she wanted us to date other people. I’m having bad karma because of the way I treated you. I’m going to see my mother.”

She had told me previously her mother believed in karma.

“I’m so sorry Sophia.”

“My heart hurts.

“I’m really sorry Sophia.”

“I was emotionally and physically abused. I’m having a panic attack.”

“I’m here for you Sophia. Take a deep breath and try to relax as you let it out slowly . . .you once told me that you trust in God.”

“I still do.”

“Good.”

I could hear deep breathing then paper rattling . . .

She said, “I want to read you something. . . . A letter I wrote to Kim:

Dear Kim,

For several months now we have been so close that it feels like we use the same lungs to breathe. But Iunderstand you are struggling with finalizing your divorce and that you need space from me. I am driven to tell you this —Ii have never loved anyone as I have loved you. The past year has been the most meaningful and precious moments ever in my life. I have never experienced the depth of love as I have with you. Our time together has been more than I ever dreamed of. Even though your life is pulled in many directions right now and you have much to consider, it is important for me to say to you that whatever happens, I will always cherish what we have shared. Sometimes things are more special when they don’t last. If you change your mind about us, I will always be waiting.

Love always,

Sophia

“That’s a beautiful letter. I think Kim needs to read it.”

“I can’t send it to her right now because she is wanting space from me.”

“But sometime she needs to read it.”

Sophia then told me she had to stop talking and that she was going to “lay low and heal herself”.

“Don’t hesitate to call me back if you need to.”

“I will.”

She never thanked me for listening to her. But she did text me the next day:

“I’m fine. No, I don’t need anything. Don’t make the mistake of thinking I want to talk. Maybe I did but I don’t want that.”

I texted back. “I understand. Peace to you,”

About a week later I received a call from her. There was a different element to the tenor of her voice. It was as if she was interested in me. “What are you doing J?”

“I’m eating breakfast. I don’t eat until about 10:00.”

“I had breakfast at 8:30. . .I went to see my mother. She has Alzheimer’s. My brother, Greg, is taking care of her. While I was there he started having chest pains, but was refusing to go to the hospital. I told him not to be stupid, that he’s a nurse and knows better. He did go and they put in a stent. He would have died if I had not been there.”

“Wow! That’s amazing. It was God’s will for you to be there.”

“I’ve decided I’m going to get a degree in psychology.”

“Go for it Kim. You already have many of the skills.”

“I’m going to send you something J. It’s not about us.”

“OK. I look forward to reading it.” She hung up.

Over the next couple of weeks I ruminated about this call over and over. I wondered if it meant that Sophia was now wanting to renew our friendship. I wasn’t sure. So I tried to call her but she had blocked my number. I couldn’t call or send texts. Perhaps she was still “laying low” and was blocking all calls. I remembered her birthday so decided to send a greeting. I wrote her a letter telling her how much our relationship had meant to me and how it changed me to be be spiritual and guided me to work toward relieving suffering of the homeless by writing their stories. I also sent her a motorcycle magazine suggesting she write about her motorcycle adventures as well as a chocolate bar which I knew she liked. She did not respond. The following week was the week before Easter. I sent her a book about different views of the Bible, comparing the fundamentalism’s literal acceptance of its words to the discoveries of archeologists findings regarding its authors. I wanted her to know that I had evolved spiritually more toward the latter.

Again, she did not respond.

A week later Bill Witters died. His song’ “Lean on Me” , a song about friendship, was played many times on the radio. It moved me so much I wanted to share it with her so I sent her a “You tube” video of it via email.

About a week later I received a call from her. She was very angry, accusing me of stalking her because I had sent her stuff she didn’t want from me. She said I should have known she didn’t want that stuff because she didn’t’ respond. She said, “I’m gay and you are trying to get me to have sex with you. You have joined the “Meetup” groups I belong to and I don’ know how you got my email. I even wonder if you’re following me.”

I was very shocked and felt guilty for about the stuff I had sent. The way she presented it, it sounded like a sick person was stalking her. My first reaction was to tell her I could go to a therapist. She talked so fast and went on and on I found myself almost yelling at her to listen to me.

When she finally stopped, I said, “I sent you a letter trying to get closure, but you called back in a lot of pain. Then you called me after you visited your mother and told me you were going to get a degree in psychology to work to relieve people’s suffering. I thought this might mean you wanted to continue our relationship. I thought your non-response was just who you are. There were many times you never responded to stuff I sent you.”

“That’s not who I am. You don’t know me,” she said with forceful anger.

“I just wanted friendship. It’s over. Goodbye,” I said softly and hung up.

I thought about this interaction for several days. I thought she sounded paranoid. She was frightened. These insecure traits I had not seen in her before. I wondered if it was her own feelings she didn’t trust, feelings for me. Was the edge of intimacy hovering over her? Even though I thought she would not talk to me I felt I should try to clarify what I was thinking. I wanted to relieve stress she might be carrying. Since she still had my cell number blocked, I called her on my land line and a left a message:

“This is not to harass. I’m calling on my land line. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do. I want to do the right thing. I have some things to say to you. You might not want to call me because of all the stress I’ve caused you.”

She called a couple of hours later. “What is it you want to tell me?”

“Sophia, I was stalking you but didn’t know that’s what I was doing.”

“I know about stalking . . .” She was saying more but I talked over her.

“I know you’re not hetero and I know I could never change you if that’s not what you want.”

She broke in, “I finally had to break it off with Kim because she’s was having such a hard time breaking it off herself even though that’s what she wanted, so I broke it off myself a couple of weeks ago. I have never loved anyone like I loved her, but I know we will see one another again. We are soulmates now.”

I didn’t know how to respond so I went on. “I got your email off the website, “Truthfinder” and I joined your Meetup groups thinking I would text you and ask if it would be OK for me to attend some of the events. I would never just show up there without checking with you first. I have left those groups you belong to. I sent you the book because I wanted you to know where I have evolved spiritually. I have tried to believe the way you and the people at “King of Glory”, but I can’t.”

“I don’t know about the “King of Glory” but I believe what I believe. It doesn’t matter what I think of you.”

“My relationship with you changed me.”

“It wasn’t the relationship. It was God.”

“I know we must do God’s will. I want to do his will but I don’t know what he wants me to do.” I began crying, wanting to understand.

“I can hear you crying. If you pay attention, he will talk to you. After you pray, look for signs in the movies and commercials you see on tv. He will send you messages. . . this pandemic is causing a lot of strange behavior. My friend Lisa is having the same problem . . .hold on I have to take this call.”

I held for five minutes, then hung up.

A couple of days later, she called back.

“Yes Sophia?

“Did you call me?”

“No. I didn’t.”

“I got a message . . . ‘Call rejected’”

“I’m sorry that happened. I really didn’t try to call you,”

“OK.” She hung up.

It has been over a month now and there has been no contact. I don’t know if there ever will be. I keep thinking I will accidentally run into her somewhere and wonder how we will acknowledge one another if we do.