Shut the front door — Some of the Best Edited for TV Movie Quotes
By: Gareth Hill
Tags: TV Shows, Arts And Entertainment, Film, Movies

WARNING: This article contains swearing. DO NOT READ ON IF OFFENDED BY SUCH WORDS.

Remember when swearing was just one great big ‘no-no’ on terrestrial TV?

Those heady days when journalists would try to provoke The Sex Pistols into saying a ‘rudie’ just to prove how they were neither big nor clever. Or the time when Jools Holland got banned from the Tube (the channel 4 ‘yoof’ magazine rather than the London Underground) for letting a little ‘F-bomb’ slip from his un-soaped mouth.

And of course, when it came to broadcasting the great new cinematic releases, the powers that be in telly-land would go to great, and at times hilariously daft, lengths to avoid our sensitive ears from being exposed to the kind of words that, well, that we’d already heard watching the exact same film at the pictures.

Whatever your thoughts on censorship, nanny-state editorialising, society’s decline or the sight of Samuel L Jackson’s lips moving out-of-sync with the words you are hearing, editing-for-tv (or aeroplanes) has made for some truly memorable moments in the history of film. Including these gems:

Beverley Hills Cop (1984)

Originally:

“This is Bullshit, man”

Edited:

“This is Bozo, man.”

That’s right, in the TV version of the film Eddie Murphy goes around introducing people to an invisible clown.

Casino (1995)

Has there ever been a more threatening profaner than Joe Pesci (although it’s interesting to note how clean his language is when being brutally tortured by Macauley Culkin in Home Alone)?

And he’s never been on more sinister sweary form than in Scorsese’s classic Casino as he delivers the devastating line:

“Forget me? Forget you mother-forgetter?”

Because, let’s face it, forgetting your mother is the worst.

Pulp Fiction (1994)

As we’ve looked at before, the dialogue in Pulp Fiction, particularly via Vincent and Jules, is what propels the story into classic territory. And that moment when Jules imposes his sinister and murderous intent upon Brett is one of the most iconic moments of the 1990s.

Except, the version I remember does not refer to Brett as a:

“Smart little sucker”.

And were his eyes really:

“Wide, focused open”?

Because that doesn’t really make sense.

The Breakfast Club (1985)

Not wanting to big up the euphemisms too much, the line:

“Do you slip her the hot beef injection?”

was replaced by:

“Do you slip her the hot ,wild affection?”

Frankly, it’s exactly the same and somewhat pointless.

Naked Gun (1988)

Original:

Frank (seeming to look up Jane’s skirt):

Nice Beaver!

Jane: (passing a stuffed beaver down to Frank)

Thanks, I just had it stuffed

Edited: Frank(seeming to look up Jane’s skirt):

Nice one.

Jane (passing a stuffed beaver down to Frank):

Thanks, I just had it stuffed

MAKES. NO. SENSE.

The Usual Suspects (1995)

The suspects, all hardened criminals, line up and one by one have to read out the oft-used threat:

“Hand me the keys, you fairy Godmother”?

Yeah, fairy Godmother — what do yo need keys for anyway?

The Big Lebowski (1998)

Walter, The Dude’s unhinged bowling buddy, begins to re-design a sports car with a baseball bat yelling:

“You see? You see what happens when you f*ck a stranger in the Ass?”

O.K., I get this might be a tad aggressive and may need modifying for a more general audience. What T.V viewers therefore heard was:

“You see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps?”

What the funk does that mean?

The Exorcist (1973)

“Your mother sews socks that smell!”

Or does she?

Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990)

John McLane utters his now iconic line:

“Yippee-Ki-Ay Mr Falcon”

Indeed, they even had to change the name of one of the baddies so this made some kind of sense.

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

The ultimate in high-concept movie this film stars Samuel L Jackson and is about a plane upon which there are snakes.

I’ve never seen it, because of this.

In the cinema release, Mr Jackson (the king of the mother-fucker line) says:

“I have had it with these mother-fucking snakes on this mother-fucking plane!”

Which was duly replaced to:

“I’ve had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane.”

To be honest with you, this is one instance where the edited version is simply miles better.

And here, in all their dubiously-dubbed glory, are a some examples — one of which you will note, is extremely sloppy: