When my 8 years old asked- How lion gives puppy?
By: Kiran Tevtiya
Tags: Sex Education, Parenthood, Children, Childhood, Parenting

Every parent finds themselves in this sticky situation. It can come in any shape-

An innocent — Daddy how was I born? Pat comes our reply — A stork brought you or we prayed to the god and he gifted us or We went to a hospital and got you….. The child’s curiosity is met and we are relieved!

Yet, another scene-

We come across a dog or a pigeon trying to climb over another- Mummy, what are they doing?

Our answer may quickly come — They are playing.

Again a win win situation for both child and the parent.

The child grows up with these half baked truths. One day the child is playing with peers when he sees a dog jumping over another dog. Some of the smarty-pant children are giggling. The child wonders what is the giggle about when he knows that the dogs are playing. The children giggle- He, he, he, you don’t know anything.

The child tries to overhear what they are saying.

They make a big deal about it-C’mon he is a small boy. Let’s not talk about all this in his front.

The child protests- No I am not a small boy. Tell me…

And there begins a hush hush giggle giggle camaraderie, something that goes beyond the adult world, for the adults didn’t welcome the child into it. The child had to go into the world on his own. The child figures out that this is the area that he can’t trust the adults with. This is the area that he has to acquire knowledge and expertise on his own, for every child is curious and as a human being has a strong desire to be accepted by the peers. No child wants to be called a –Mamma’s boy!

And all this because we, The Adults, felt uncomfortable when it was the right time. We TALKED out instead of TALKING to the child.

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Now replaying the situation again.

The child asks- Daddy how was I born?

Daddy- That is a very interesting question. How do you think you were born?

Child says- I think Mamma got me from the hospital.

Daddy- You are so right. We have the photographs. You grew up inside Mamma and the doctors helped to take you out. Have you seen how bird’s kids come out?

Child- yes, from eggs.

Daddy- Wow, you have observed so much. The birds lay eggs and it hatches. Birds don’t need doctors. We human beings need doctor’s help as human baby is fragile. And see how big you have become now.

And further direction of the conversation is child led.

Many times we struggle on how to talk to the child about such open ended questions. We forget that the child never talks in isolation. They always have some knowledge somewhere. If what we tell them don’t match with the information they have, they may actually discount us away either with –Daddy doesn’t know how kids are born, :-), or Daddy is not comfortable to talk to me about it!

Either ways we don’t want that to happen.

So keeping a base from what knowledge the child already has or what made the child wonder about this question and building upon it in an age appropriate manner is the key. Most of the times they will tell you when they have had enough information for the time being and would move on to other topics.

It is important to end the conversation with — Is there anything else you want to talk about it? Do you have any other doubts on it? Wow, I am glad we talked about it. Here is a big hug for you.

This leaves a positive sense with the child about this topic and opens up a channel of communication for future talks. If the child again brings it up after few weeks or months, start afresh instead of dismissing — Oh I talked to you about it, you forgot? Children often take a different perspective of the knowledge that we give to them based on what fits in with the existing information that they have. They may not remember the way we told them.

A few situations warrant proactive conversation:

If there has been a suicide in the vicinity or a nation wide case of molestation like ‘Nirbhaya’ and we know that this is being talked about around. If the news has reached to you, it has definitely reached to the child. The best way to broker a conversation here is — Hey, could I have a moment of your attention please. And once you and the child have a one to one, set the ball rolling- I came to know about the suicide in your school. I was wondering what do you think about it…… While watching a movie, a particular scene comes in, it could be as innocent as a girl being over powered by the drunkard prisoners in ‘Do aankhen, Barah haath’ movie. It is always a good idea to talk about it post the movie or if possible to pause it and talk about what is happening. I always suggest to check imdb.com for the parental advisory on movies. In fact to talk about the scenes in advance. This also puts a responsibility on the parents on exposing age appropriate content to the children. The more we talk, the better and more comfortable we become for subsequent talks. Remember it is never ONE BIG TALK but a series of smaller talks that build the comfort and connection between parents and children. Small incidents pave way for insightful talks. For instance if the child comes and shares an incident like –Mamma we found a love letter in the garden. Instead of reacting, the best possible action here is to reflect the emotions and let the child talk more- Wow, how did you get it……How do you know it is a love letter…What do you think-Is it wrong to write a love letter…Why do you think your friends were gushing over it? This incident (for the heightened emotions being attached here of how people reacted around, especially peers) is going to stay with the child for long. Talking about it and sharing your own two bits attaches more perspective to the incident that helps the child to better place it every time he recollects it. Or we bring up the talks to make the child feel comfortable with the topics that are age appropriate for him. It is like implanting a seed of thought in the child so he knows that he can approach us when the need be to speak about it. The ice breaker could be questions like-Have you ever wondered how you were born?

Proactive communication helps the child to understand that it is alright to talk about such seemingly taboo topics with parents, for none of the cartoons or movies they watch prepare them for -How to handle it? Some time back I met an overprotective mother in a preschool. She shared with me how her fear for her daughter was giving her anxieties. She was carrying a guilt from her childhood. Despite having a liberal upbringing she would wonder why she didn’t talk to her parents about an inappropriate touch by a relative in her childhood. She shared that- My parents never talked to me about these things. I didn’t know that this should be shared with them. When we show a comfort to talk, children understand that we are approachable.

As the child grows up, we can also take an analogy of hibiscus flower and talk about male and female reproduction organs. Always take real technical name of the organs. Once they are into their 11 and 12 years, it is also important to talk about how nature has made the process of reproduction in a manner that the species don’t become extinct.

Ask questions like-What would happen if there is no reproduction in plants, animals, humans….

Another interesting angle is-Did you know there are living organisms that have both male and female organs like earthworm. Imagine they don’t need a partner…

And again as the child grows up (say 11 to 14 years) concept like In Vitro fertilization, surrogacy, sexually transmitted diseases, protection etc should be talked of. It is like we create a sketch of an information and slowly with age, fill color into it. This compared to we present a false sketch to the child and later ask him to replace it with another sketch. Their logical mind is bound to reject it.

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Coming to another situation

We come across a dog or a pigeon trying to climb over another- Mummy, what are they doing?

How about the answer being- They seem to be mating. Dogs have a season when they have kids.

This said with a dead pan expression on our face as if we are saying — They are chit chatting.

And then wait for the child to ask more on it. If the child’s curiosity is satiated there itself great, else he will ask more, let the child drive.

A mother had a situation when she had two kids in a garden aged 8 and 10 years and a big dog was trying to go over smaller pup. And the younger child shouted out- Look Mamma, they are mating!!

Before the mother could register and plan for her reaction, the older sibling commented- But the other dog looks so small.

Mother fidgets a bit, there are people around(!), then says to herself — Alright, this is a learning moment-, says aloud- Well, to me it looks like that the older dog is practicing mating. Look how the smaller dog is showing his discomfort and warding him away. You know in human world this is called molestation of a child. We have very strong rules to protect children from anybody who makes them feel uncomfortable.

The siblings look on thoughtfully- Yeah, poor animals don’t have parents to escalate to.

The older sibling gets up- Let me help the puppy. And advances towards the dogs shushing away the older dog away.

We may often fear, if I give more information, my child may become curious about it and may want to experiment early on. ‘You will understand it when you become bigger‘ or ‘I will tell you when I think it is appropriate for you‘ comes easier. On the contrary many studies have shown that children with better understanding of their own body, the processes around, the challenges and the precautions actually delay experimentation. They are more relaxed not having a need to indulge into the preteen and teen thrill of hush hush, for they have been given a platform to express.

There is one most important dimension here. Our own comfort zone. Now this is given that we need to answer questions on taboo topics including reproduction in an age appropriate manner and to the depth to which the child continues showing a curiosity. 7 to 8 years is a beginning when child starts showing curiosity around the world of practical life and his or her learning is not restricted to bookish knowledge alone (and Thank God for that for this little piece of wonder is bound to solve newer problems much beyond the limited scope of academic text).

The tricky point is how do we keep a check on the color between our ears which doesn’t come when answering ‘Why Sky is blue‘ but pops up when our child asks ‘How Lion gives puppy‘!! The question seems loaded. So first thing first is to find your comfort zone. For instance the question could be asked in a lift, like it happened for one of my clients. His 9 years old son who had recently been shared the concept of sperm and ova asked-So, daddy how exactly did you give sperm to mamma!! Well who said we have to talk about this and many such ‘oh I am getting redder now and my heart is racing’ concepts only once and be done with it…well, children remember a part of it and keep coming back to us to further increase the richness of their knowledge. Each time while you ready your self to choose just the right words to answer the question they notice the wavering of your voice, the breaking of eye contact, the shifting of weight or the twitches. No matter how seasoned you are, the children get the message-This question is loaded. The way out here could be as simple as — This is an interesting question. I need to think about how to best explain you. I will remember to help you once we reach home. And do remember to get back on it later.

When my daughter was 11 years old, she shared once-Mamma, I notice that your tone changes when you are talking about these topics. It was a surprise.you get stiffer than usual (there was an article in the newspaper about prostitutes that my daughter was asking questions upon, phew). Well, these kids notice!

I took a deeper breath to calm myself, mulled over it for a bit and decided to hold the bull by horn-I am sure there must be. It is good we are able to talk about various topics. Some topics do trigger a certain discomfort as the way I was raised and the society I am part of, it had not been natural to talk about them. I don’t have an experience of sitting across my mother and talking like this. It may seep through my body language but I try to answer them to the best of my knowledge in a way where it is easy for you to understand. I am so glad we are talking about this. Honesty is the best policy here.

Friends, it is important for the child to hear from us instead of gathering half baked information from wrong sources. It takes the power out of these topics, power to make people react in a certain way….it takes away the hush-hushness or the ability of somebody else to use this to blackmail our child or emotionally hurt. We do know that most of the name calling/bullying is around so called hush-hush and ‘You are too young to understand this‘ topics. It is best when children hear from the right source…and the right source is — The Parents.

The gist of the matter is- Before coming to have a conversation with your child over topics that trigger you, take care of your thoughts and do your homework of getting more scientific information about it. If you are getting overwhelmed, listen to your thoughts and handle them well first (if need be, reach out to a child counselor). As it is always said- Help yourself before helping others.

Photo by Dan Dennis on Unsplash