Ellie Rebecca Is Now Danny Jackson H.
By: Danny Jackson H.
Tags: Transgender, Nonbinary, LGBTQ, Gender, Self

So, why did I choose to name myself Daniel Jackson?

Well, there are a few reasons I chose the first name Daniel.

For one, I’ve heard a lot of trans people say it’s a good idea to give yourself a name that was at least fairly popular during the year you were born. Apparently, Daniel was the ninth most popular boy’s name in the United States in 1995. That would make it perfectly natural for a 25-year-old to have that name.

Secondly, it’s my dad’s middle name. My dad is one of my favorite people, and I wouldn’t mind being named after him, but I wouldn’t want to give myself his first name. That would make family gatherings even more confusing. Not only would people have to adjust to a new name, but it would be one that someone else already had. So, his middle name seems suitable.

Thirdly, I’ve just always liked the sound of it. Sometimes that’s a perfectly good reason to give yourself a certain name.

Lastly, I feel like the name Daniel, and especially the nickname Danny, encapsulates my gender really well. I plan on eventually changing my legal name and gender marker so that I will legally be recognized as male. That’s my only real option for not being female, which is definitely something I’m not. But the name Danny could be sort of gender-neutral, at least when spoken aloud. That’s where I feel my gender is: somewhere between male and gender-neutral.

As for my middle name, I initially wanted my first name to be Jackson and my middle name to be Daniel. But as soon as I spoke that name aloud to myself, I knew it couldn’t work. If I named myself Jack Daniel, people would think I was an alcoholic. So, it had to be the other way around.

I’ve always loved names that start with J, and Jackson in particular stood out. It just sounds cool to me, like a secret agent name or something.

Altogether, I think my entire name flows really well now. It captures the essence of who I am better than my birth name ever could.

Does this mean I’m a straight guy now?

Not necessarily. I know I’ve written about not being attracted to men before, but I’m starting to reconsider, even though I plan on being with my girlfriend for the rest of my life and it doesn’t really matter all that much whether I would theoretically date a man again.

I’ve started to realize that I do experience attraction to men, albeit far less often than I feel attraction to women. But when I imagine realistically acting on that attraction, I feel vastly uncomfortable. I used to think this was a sign that I was a lesbian, but now I think it means something different.

Most of the men I’ve dated were strictly heterosexual. They saw me as a woman. I think that, not a lack of attraction, was what felt wrong to me. I’m attracted to men in a vacuum, but once they view me as a woman, that’s when the discomfort starts.

To that end, I guess I’m technically bi or pansexual. But at the moment, I don’t care as much about labeling my sexual orientation as I do my gender.

Am I still nonbinary?

Yes, I would say so. My dysphoria has gotten so bad that I’ve decided I would just rather be read as male than female. After all, those are generally my only two options in terms of how the vast majority of people will see me.

I think of it like this: If gender identity were a scale from 1 to 10 (which, it’s not, but for the moment let’s pretend it is), with 1 being a woman and 10 being a man, I would place myself at around an 8. Again, somewhere between male and gender-neutral. I don’t fully identify as a “man,” per se, but I have no problem with people assuming that I am one.

Will I go on HRT and undergo surgeries?

I definitely plan on starting hormone replacement therapy (HRT) at some point. While my voice is already fairly deep “for a woman,” I’d like it to be deeper. I’d also like to have at least a little bit of facial hair so that other people will immediately read me as masculine.

However, it doesn’t matter how masculine I look if I don’t have a flat chest. I was cursed with ridiculously large breasts. Like, so large that I don’t even think they make binders in my size. Even if they did, I doubt it would make my chest lie flat enough for others to perceive me as male.

So, I do plan on eventually getting top surgery. My chest has been making me increasingly dysphoric lately, and I feel that surgery is the only way to correct it.

What pronouns do I prefer?

Honestly, anything other than she/her is perfectly fine with me. I’ve been going by they/them with my friends for a while, and it certainly feels much better than she/her. But at the moment, I think I’m okay with both they/them and he/him. I might decide later on that I prefer one or the other, but for right now, feel free to use either with me.

Am I going to delete my old stories?

I don’t think so. Although many of my older stories portray a version of me that no longer exists, I see no reason to delete them. I suppose it might confuse some people who come across my older stories about being a lesbian and see that it was written by someone with a “man’s” name. But I frankly don’t care.

Those stories captured who I thought I was at the time. Each of them represents who I was at that point in my life. They’re like little windows into my past. I’ve always been a little obsessed with preserving memories. For that reason, I don’t think I’ll delete any of my old posts. Just because they’re not quite accurate anymore doesn’t mean they’re not me.