What happens if you give a mob boss pardon powers? We’re about to find out.
By: Jesse Bloom
Tags: Elections, Politics, Government, President, Justice

Remember, you’re 74 year old mob boss, John Gotti, and you’re PISSED. For your entire life, you have been conspiring with your family and friends to build wealth by committing crimes, with occasional breaks for spaghetti. Due to your presidency, your life has been turned upside down by state and federal prosecutors. You have fought them gallantly using the immense power of your office, but even so, there is plenty of evidence of your federal and state crimes, and many of your friends have been convicted, some even thrown in jail for crimes committed on your behalf. You may be hanging on by a thread thanks to a DOJ memo that claims a sitting president cannot be charged with a crime, only impeached- and they tried that too.

You have one month left before *presumably* leaving office, and with whom will you share your unlimited no-questions-asked pardon powers? What are your priorities? You wish to maximize personal legal protection, then maximize monetary value. Externalities should only be considered if they have the potential to increase legal protection or monetary value.

Protection

The maximum level of legal protection you could obtain would be a sweeping pardon of all federal crimes committed up to and through the presidential term. Since the general pardon is a risky legal matter, for good measure, add all the specific federal crimes you believe prosecutors could reasonably uncover. You can tell the public that you didn’t actually commit the listed crimes, but you simply want to avoid the “political harassment.”

Once that is complete, move on to anyone that could definitely or maybe implicate you in a state crime. This is where we add major family members, friends, business associates, competitive crime families, political conspirators, etc. It might be hard to remember exactly who knows what, that’s ok. It has been decades of extortion and murder after all, so make the pardon umbrella as large as possible. If Carter could pardon hundreds of thousands of draft-dodgers, you can at least try to pardon all those involved in the Gambino Campaign, Administration, Organization, etc. If the pardons don’t hold up in court, they will buy plenty of time and will severely reduce prosecutors’ willingness to pursue. Keep these broad, and if forced to testify about a state issue, tell those you’ve pardoned to feign memory loss.

Lastly, move on to pardons that may otherwise help you fight any state crimes that could arise. This section requires the most creativity, but I am sure you can find a judge’s delinquent aunt or a prosecutor’s felon son to pardon. You might also want to consider pardons that may encourage people to fight harder for your cause, in case you need thousands of supporters to descend upon a prosecutor’s home at night to plead your case.

Value

You can gain monetary value through pardons in two major ways. First, you can pardon as a favor to someone, expecting reciprocation. Second, you can pardon as a political message, expecting a boost in campaign contributions, assuming you plan to maintain a presence post-presidency by running a campaign or PAC.

In the first group are all the wealthy supporters with family or friends in federal trouble. A pardon can be arranged in exchange for any number of back-door payments through the dizzying puzzle of Gambino operations. Then come the influential supporters, for whom a pardon can be arranged in exchange for any action that might lead to those aforementioned back-door payments.

The latter group includes pardons that will spark donations. Assuming you will maintain a political presence, from which you have raised hundreds of millions of dollars, you will want to issue pardons that keep your foot on the gas pedal of supporters’ emotions. Political pardons may increase Gambino family business as well, but donations are more directly harvestable. For example, if your supporters believe Kyle Rittenhouse, the Kenosha shooter, was unjustly charged with murder, a pardon for Kyle may add fuel to your future fundraising campaign, while keeping you in the headlines.

Happy Pardoning To You and Yours!