Forgiveness Is Not All It’s Cracked Up To Be
By: Edwina Owens Elliott
Tags: Forgiveness, Relationships, Self, Family

Forgiveness Is Not All It’s Cracked Up To Be

When you know in your heart that you can’t forgive, stop trying.

Photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich from Pexels

They say that forgiveness is at the root of moving forward. To get passed the anger and heartache, we must forgive the ones who caused it. Okay. Normally I’d go along with that. It’s healthy, it’s positive, it’s progress. And I’m all for progress.

But when you’ve been double-crossed by someone close, and the idea of forgiving them feels like being sentenced to scrubbing shitty toilets with a toothbrush for the rest of your life, it’s best to face facts. You will never make peace with that.

My mother raised me on kindness and fairness, wrapping it all up with her favorite Golden Rule, treat others the way you wish to be treated. Now, I’m first to admit that I can be a pretty harsh critic. And I’m judgmental as hell. But in spite of my flaws, compassion plays a major role in my life. I’m a true Libra in that respect. I weigh things out and always strive to play fair.

But finding forgiveness for my double-crosser proved impossible. I cried almost every evening, struggling to get to the other side. He’d once been my hero and I was heartbroken by what he’d done. But I couldn’t forgive him. And had no way to resolve that. Until another option began to emerge. One I hadn’t even considered before. What if — gasp — I didn’t forgive him?

The relief of having an option was immediate. I wasn’t looking for revenge. I felt no urge to strike out or cause him any harm. I just wanted to keep him as far away from me as possible and once I forgave myself for not forgiving him, I was able to breathe again.

I made him and the rest of our immediate family aware of my feelings. It wasn’t a happy time for us but I didn’t give a damn. I cut him out of my life completely. The fam would simply have to get over it.

How hard must it be to pretend that things are cool between you when all you want to do is drop a house on them every time they come into view?

Some warned me that I’d regret my decision someday but it felt way too good not to be right. I couldn’t believe how liberating it was. At family gatherings, there was no pressure to “fix my face” and pretend. The need to put on a front so everyone would feel comfortable was nonexistent. No apologies were necessary. Everyone who needed to know knew exactly where I stood.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t flip tables or cause any scenes. Not once. But I also didn’t express any joy when he and I happened to be in the same room. We gave each other plenty of space.

And I realized something in all of this. People often forgive not for themselves but for the sake of others. You might still despise your bitch of a cousin for sleeping with your husband or your bastard brother for stabbing you in the back, but for the sake of the family, you forgive them. Or at least put forth the illusion that you have.

How hard must it be to pretend that things are cool between you when all you want to do is drop a house on them every time they come into view? I’ve seen many people plaster fake smiles on their faces and jump through demoralizing hoops just to keep peace in their families. Every holiday. At every family reunion. And every funeral. It eats them up inside, keeping up the pretense. Party after party. Year after year.

My double-crosser passed away ten years ago. He never came clean with me and I never forgave him. Have I any regrets? Not a one. Like I told my husband, if I was wrong, I guess I’ll have some ‘splainin’ to do when I reach those Pearly Gates.

If you’ve tried to forgive someone who has committed a tremendous wrong against you, and you know in your heart that you can’t do it, I say give yourself a break and stop trying. And for Pete’s sake, don’t beat yourself up about it. That’s just misplaced guilt talking.

I mean, honestly. When someone fucks over you, why should YOU feel guilty?