You’re Not Paranoid Buddy, You’re Just Black
By: Niko Sheffield
Tags: Politics, Education, BlackLivesMatter, Life, Humor

Okay, so you’re riding in your car, a clean cream-colored 2011 BMW that your grandfather gifted you for college graduation. Granted, it’s a gift that says “Sorry for cat-calling at your school dean during the ceremony,” you still appreciate it because, in his defense, everyone knew she had a phatty.

You’re going the speed limit with the windows down a bit. The music’s up a little loud, but you ain’t blasting that new Sauce Walka as loud as you really want to. You see that you’re in a suburban area, you don’t want to disturb nobody, you’re just trying to go pick up some food from that pizza spot your girl loves. You take your eyes off the road for a split second to ignore a text message, because you don’t text and drive, and when you look back at the rear-view mirror there’s a county cop car riding behind you.

You don’t really think anything of it at first, but then five blocks go by and you realize he’s been following you for a good while now. How long was he really behind you before you noticed, anyways? Your next turn is about to come up, so you’re thinking that maybe you’ll lose him at this right. Nope. The officer is still tailing you. You look at the time on the car radio. It’s 2:13 pm. You can see this man’s face clear as day in your mirror. Dude’s got an army buzzcut and is wearing a facial expression that lets you know his wife, whose name is probably Susan, definitely belittled him before he left the house. Not a good sign for you. No man can be completely happy being married to a Susan. And people who look like him tend to walk around with scarlet-colored necks.

So, to avoid trouble, you start to go about two miles under the speed limit. In an instant, your mind begins thinking about your tags and inspection sticker. Are they up to date? You look and see the inspection sticker is, in fact, up to date. Good. But what about the tags? Are the tags good? You can’t see the tags right now; you don’t know if the damn tags are good or not. Unsure if your tags are being run, you think to yourself, How long has it been since I last hit the blunt? The answer is an hour and a half ago. Lord have mercy. It was only two puffs! You can’t help but think to yourself: God, PLEASE don’t get me locked up over two puffs!

That realization of yours has got you paranoid now. You just KNOW your eyes are as red as the bottom of a Cardi B shoe. You think back to that time your friend Calvin got off with a warning while actually holding a joint in front of an officer. Maybe this cop will be just as cool… WHAT?! No way. Calvin looks like Dave Franco. You do NOT look like Dave Franco. YOU look more like a different Dave; a much funnier, much darker one. So, you immediately throw that possibility out the window as you glance in the rearview mirror to see if you still look blazed. It’s bad enough you’re driving a BMW. Might be a 2011, but it’s still a BMW. And you look blazed?! And you and your grandfather don’t have the same last name! This is just a recipe for disaster right now.

Now you’re in full-blown panic mode. You keep telling yourself to stay calm and be cool. You turn the music down and sit up dorkishly straight, anticipating what you know is coming in a matter of mere seconds. Just as you start practicing your best proper English accent, the sound of sirens crack through the air as red and blue lights illuminate everything around you. Damn. You take a deep breath and pull over into the gas station closest to you. Much to your relief, you look to your left and see that the officer is speeding through traffic now that you’ve moved out of his way. Close one. You look at the time again, it’s now 2:15 pm.

Now, if you read this and felt that, with the information given, you’d have had nothing to worry about, you’re White, and you read it through White eyes. But, if you read this and said, “Man that shit happened to me last week, that ain’t funny.” You’re right. And you’re not paranoid, buddy. You’re just Black.