Should we teach our children to be nice?
By: Sally Flint
Tags: Values, Parenting Advice, Family, Parenting, Children

Should we teach our children to be nice or does it put them at a life disadvantage? Photo by Chayene Rafaela on Unsplash

“If we teach our children to be nice are we putting them at a disadvantage in life?”

I was having a chat with one of my much younger friends the other day and asked her how her four year old daughter, Jodie was getting on. She explained to me, with tears in her eyes, how Jodie was contented and outgoing at home, but when at playgroup, or at children’s birthday parties she tended to hang back. It seemed Jodie preferred the company of the adults in the room to that of other kids.

Nice children can find making friends challenging

My friend was worried that her daughter, Jodie was struggling to make friends and didn’t know how to fend for herself when confronted with children whose behaviour was more boisterous than her own. If other children’s values didn’t coincide with Jodie’s she was unsure how to react. Consequently Jodie became an observer rather than a participant in the fun and activities.

My friend expressed concern that she was teaching Jodie to be too nice. Yet, despite this concern she couldn’t bring herself to ecourage Jodie to be pushy and take what she wanted rather than negotiate for what she would like. She wanted Jodie to be strong, assertive and bold when required, but she also wanted her to be kind, empathetic and gentle.

Not all children share nicely

Jodie was a great sharer of her toys and had been taught lovely manners. Consequently, Jodie couldn’t understand that other children would grab toys, snatch the limelight and use violence as a means of getting what they wanted.

I half-smiled to myself as I could completely relate to her concerns. To some extent I still can. I spent the first three years or so of my own children’s lives teaching them to share nicely and be good listeners, only to then spend much of their upper Primary and High School years telling them to speak out, speak up and toughen up.

My kids were and are nice; when they were small they would defer to the wishes of others. This wasn’t because they were cowardly, but because they were generous spirited. They, like Jodie, struggled to understand when other kids didn’t do the same. They often felt a great sense of injustice when ‘bullying tactics’ seemed to lead to success. My eldest daughter is still aggrieved by her High School experience of extroverted students (often male) shamelessly and inaccurately taking centre stage and being praised for accomplishments that were a team effort. A team effort where much of the actual work was completed by a team of diligent females (does that sound familiar?!)

It isn’t always the students putting in the effort at school who get the acknowledgement. Photo by Jessica Da Rosa on Unsplash

Nice children do have it tough

I didn’t have any great advice to offer my friend. The reality is that Jodie probably is too nice a child to easily fit in to unstructured social engagements with ease. She, like my own children, will probably look on in bewilderment and disbelief that the behaviour of naughty children is condoned by their peers and even adults. Despite this I don’t think my friend is teaching Jodie to be too nice. If a parent is teaching their child to be nice and role-modelling that to them, it is also likely that they are teaching them many other attributes. Jodie has maturity. She has reached a developmental stage where she can be gentle and empathetic. Jodie has tolerance. This is a great starting point to learn how to be strong and handle unfairness and injustice. She will manage disappointment, she will negotiate problems with positivity and insight. In brief she will make the world a better place.

Looking forward there is plenty to be optimistic about. When I observe female leaders such as Jacinda Ardern demonstrate that you can respond to disasters with love and warmth, or when I admire Nicola Sturgeon’s genuine reflection and desire not to score political points but to do what is right for Scotland, I feel hopeful.

When I was growing up my English teacher told me not to describe people as nice. I don’t know why. The nice people I know are generous, kind, understanding and fair. What’s not to like about being nice. People are starting to realise that nice people are also strong people with great skills for handling our modern world.

(Passionate about education, reading and writing, Sally is an enthusiastic blogger. In Book and Family Chat she frequently posts from the perspective of a fifty year old, fun-loving mum on all things family, book, family and travel related. As an ex Head of Libraries and English teacher she has published several children’s books.)