I Love Darth Vader And Spider-Man But This Is Overwhelming
By: John Devore
Tags: Streaming, Movies, Marvel, Star Wars, Disney

I Love Darth Vader And Spider-Man But This Is Overwhelming

It feels unpatriotic to admit one can have too much of a good thing. America was founded on greed. We’re a nation that celebrates the bounties of capitalism. I should be happy I have so much stuff. But I’m not. For instance, I love Star Wars and Marvel. I am actually thankful there are so many new movies about Jedi and bounty hunters. I’m thrilled I can watch multiple movies starring the formerly obscure character Ant-Man. Ant-Man! He’s the second most popular comic book character with an insect’s name. I am a lifelong fan of lightsabers and the Hulk but I am currently overwhelmed.

Let me put it another way: Nacho cheese is tasty, inexpensive stomach spackle with little-to-no nutritional value. I use to buy jars of it at the dollar store. Nacho cheese is good. I love that gunk. But the truth is, I could drown in nacho cheese if there’s enough of it. If I were to fall in a lake of nacho cheese I could die. A tsunami of hot yellow liquid queso would kill me. I can’t breathe nacho cheese. Nacho cheese is good unless I’m drowning in it. There is such a thing as a good thing.

This is what I was thinking as I watched Disney’s Investor’s Day 2020, which is usually a dry corporate presentation to the top hat and monocle class. This year, Disney turned off the numbers and turned on the show biz magic to sell its booming streaming service Disney +, and its blue-chip intellectual properties.

As you know, Disney owns the rights to Lucasfilm, Marvel, and legendary animation studio Pixar. Over the next couple of years, we’re going to see an avalanche of new streaming shows and movies from those subsidiaries.

Like, we’re talking ten new Marvel projects and ten new Star War series and movies and a movie about Buzz Lightyear starring Chris Evans that prompted this instantly legendary viral Tweet:

I understand 100%, Captain America. This is the original animated story of a real-life intergalactic hero who will one day turn into a child’s toy that comes to life. I would never have come up with this idea. Incredible. I have seen all the Toy Story movies (Here’s my Quick Ranking™: 1. Toy Story 2 2. Toy Story 3. The others, which are so-so.) and I have NEVER thought: “Wow, I want to know more about the actual Buzz Lightyear, not the sentient action-figure voiced by the guy who has only been in one good movie, which is Galaxy Quest.” Delete that. The guy who has only been in one timeless classic, Galaxy Quest.

Oh! I have an idea: The Galaxy Quest Cinematic Universe.

There are many more Pixar movies in the queue including a new one from Lin-Manuel Miranda. But the numbers of originals being produced by their two biggest flagship brands is dizzying.

Lucasfilm is bringing a new series about Obi-Wan Kenobi starring Ewan McGregor to the small screen, and Hayden Christensen’s Darth Vader is tagging along. I am legit excited about that because my man Hayden has never gotten the respect he deserves.

Next year, Marvel will finally release three Disney+ shows featuring stars like Tom Hiddleston returning as fan-favorite trickster Loki and Elizabeth Olsen as Scarlett Witch in WandaVision, a surreal new show co-starring Paul Bettany as sensitive android Vision.

I mean, it’s crazy. Here’s a complete list of everything that is coming down the pike from the Mouse House.

The new Star Wars launches also include a new Lando series, a series about one of the main characters from Rogue One, and one about droids. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was most looking forward to Wonder Woman director Patty Jenkin’s movie Rogue Squadron.

Marvel is spinning up a show starring Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye from the Avengers movies, another series starring Sam Jackson as Nicky Fury, and a couple of animated series, including one about Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy.

I was mostly excited for the new Dr. Strange and Thor sequels, but there’s so much more coming, which reads like a warning. I forgot to mention there’s a new Indiana Jones movie, Harrison Ford’s last, on the way and a reboot of Willow, the sword-and-sorcery Lord of the Rings-wannabe saga from 1988 directed by Ron Howard and created by George Lucas.

There are many other movies and streaming shows I’m forgetting, and I haven’t even gotten to the actual Disney movies. Oh sh*t, I didn’t mention a new series based on the Alien movie franchise destined for FX, which is also owned by Disney.

The Disney announcement was an immediate viral hit, and the talk of the entertainment industry less than a day or so after rival Warner Brothers revealed a dramatic move that would see the struggling studio dump their entire 2021 slate of movies onto their streaming platform, HBO Max. Their plan was met with hostile criticism from inside and outside the company.

But Disney’s stock spiked 12% the next day after the news. Disney’s Investor’s Day 2020 gave hope to moneybags that their aggressive programming plan would pay off in subscriptions and, hopefully, one day very soon, a reborn box office.

The furnace powering Disney’s growth is clearly Disney+, which ballooned to 86.8 million subscribers this quarter. The recent release of the live-action Mulan didn’t hurt. I should also mention Disney owns both Hulu and ESPN.

At first, I thought the Disney announcements were an embarrassment of riches but then I felt oppressed like I was being smothered or as if a nozzle was being forced down my throat. I know I have very little to do but the volume of Marvel shows alone makes me feel like some corporate data analyst has decided I have even less of a life than I already thought. So they’re turning the nozzle dial-up and pumping even more cheese into me.

There is too much of a good thing. On one hand, I’m thankful I lived long enough to see a big-screen Black Panther or old man Luke. But I think, maybe, I’m full? Can we take a breather? Is there anything… new? Can I get a sequel to Alita: Battle Angel?

(I feel the same way about Taylor Swift’s brand new album ‘Evermore,’ a surprise sequel to ‘Folklore,’ which came out six months ago. It’s too much, Tay-tay. I’m still listening, and re-listening, to ‘Folklore’ over and over — it’s cinematic, melancholy power-pop at its best.)

I have enjoyed the second season of The Mandalorian for many reasons, including the enduring charms of Grorgu, the baby who looks like Jedi Master Yoda. But one reason I find the show compelling this season specifically is watching the execution of a corporate strategy thoughtfully designed to stitch together multiple Star Wars brands together. The Mandalorian connects popular animated TV series with lucrative movie franchises. It’s cool to see characters from the cartoon Clone Wars fully-realized. I’d love to see the conference room whiteboard where these ideas were mapped out by a committee.

This is compelling but it leaves me emotionally cold. I’m tired of stories that read like a marketing director’s check-list. These mega-franchises are bold executive creations that are rarely boring but, ultimately, charmless. The Mandalorian offers no surprises. It’s too bad Disney learned the wrong lessons from the hit Star Wars: The Last Jedi. That movie was the singular vision of one person, not a hive of data-obsessed beancounters. That movie had its flaws but it thrilled me with its total disregard for fans and the past movies. The Last Jedi was unpredictable. The whole point of an adventure is that you don’t know what’s going to happen.

Once upon a time, blockbusters were thrill-ride events that premiered during the summer. Now, my streaming services are t-shirt cannons shootings blockbusters at subscribers on a monthly basis and from the looks of Disney’s plans, we’re gonna get faces full of special-effects-laden action-movies starring colorful heroes every week or so forever. Can a blockbuster be a blockbuster if every movie or TV show is a blockbuster?

By the way, content is now the official word for stories that are drive engagement or make money. There are no books or songs or movies or TV shows anymore there is only content. Rich, creamy, spicy content. Imagination goes in one end of the corporate content machine and pure, soft-serve content is extruded out the other end. Look at me! I’m making content right now. You’re reading it.

But I’m also a consumer. I grew up believing I was a citizen in a country that chose self-rule, but the truth is we chose glazed over chocolate-covered. I am an individual in that I have my own name and I have pants that I can do whatever I want with them and because I have the inalienable right to pay for Netflix and Disney+ if I want—but more importantly if I have the money.

I love Darth Vader and Spider-Man and Tatooine and S.H.I.E.L.D. and Wakanda but enough is enough. I don’t know if I can take this much content. I guess we’ll see? It’s not like I’m being forced to watch TV at gunpoint. I could always go outside and stare at trees. But I’m a self-fattening goose whose liver will one day taste like nacho cheese.