Pop Culture Mondays/12.7.20
By: Brooke Hammerling
Tags: Hillsong, Tik Tok, Elliot Page, Church, Pop Culture

A cliche

HOT PRIEST:

OK, so I have talked about my past and religion here before but as a refresher I have a complicated history with religion. I was born into a Quaker family and my first 5 years or so were going to Friends Meetings. THEN, we became Presbyterians and church became a BIT fancier and I had to dress up and Christmas was a BIG deal and I was either an angel in the Nativity or a bell ringer and I always wore white tights and black velvet Mary Janes. I was baptized at 6 as a Presbyterian. BUT this was tricky as I was also one of 13 girls at the Convent of the Sacred Heart school where I wore the perfect little plaid jumper (a dress for those in the UK, not a sweater) and blue knee socks and a blue cardigan. I loved it so much. This was a CATHOLIC school with full on nuns in their habits and chapel every day and I had to take First Communion classes because I was a student there. I would say, my FIRST brush with church and scandal was there…when APPARENTLY the head priest at the time, Father Daryl or something like that…ran off with a high school senior. This was the early ’80s so I imagine she was one of those girls in a Benetton sweater wearing frosted brownie lipstick and had feathered hair and wore Vuarnets. I mean I have no idea, but that’s what I imagine.

ANYWAY, then my mom decided she wanted to become a Presbyterian MINISTER so she started going to Union Theological Seminary and our nightly Uno games turned into me holding my mom’s index cards as she learned Latin and other Theology-ish things. I WAS SURROUNDED BY JESUS. THEN IN FACT my mom decides we are NOW Episcopal which is more like being Catholic and it was all confusing. So I was Confirmed as an Episcopal I think I was 14 or so with a very posh ceremony and lots of incense and singing and my mom began to wear robes and she stopped shopping at Neiman Marcus where we used to go every week for shopping and popovers for lunch and instead started POURING over the latest in HOT PREACHER fashion in catalogs where she would look at all the latest trends in priest wear. THIS REALLY HAPPENED.

Very much like this first clip in this “FLEABAG” montage:

ANYWAY, long story short…..I am JEWISH. It turns out. Like FULL on Jewish…like 88 PERCENT Ashkenazi Jewish (thank you 23 & ME) so this religion thing is a total head fuck. I will say my first flirtations from older men ALWAYS happened in a church setting…just as I started “blossoming” as a teen as one would say, it was always some creepy man/someone’s dad at church/reverend/ who would make some super inappropriate comment to me and it was CREEPY AF.

SOOOOOOO…..this is a long story to get us to Hillsong, another CHURCH. I was introduced to Hillsong maybe like 8 years ago…give or take. I was told it was a new take on church and it came from Australia and it was FUN and modern and for people like ME who was skeptical of church and religion in general…it incorporated music and it was unlike anything I have ever seen. I was invited to attend with regulars and when I arrived at Irving Plaza — a MUSIC VENUE — late morning on a Sunday, I noted that I usually was LEAVING Irving Plaza on a Sunday morning, pretty drunk, with a cigarette in hand after a rock show. But here I was, in a summery dress and sandals going to a church service. I arrived to find women wearing tight jeans or leather pants and high heeled Louboutins and men looking like they were DIPPED in John Varvatos with low v-neck t-shirts and silver necklaces. EVERYONE was hot and I looked like fucking LAURA INGALLS WILDER.

We stood outside Irving Plaza as more people began arriving and THEN, the group I was with were given WRISTBANDS and ushered into the venue to the VIP SECTION…up in front of the stage of Irving Plaza we were taken to a roped off section and everyone else around us were looking to see who we were because…VIPs. AT “CHURCH”.

It didn’t feel like 11AM, it felt like midnight as the place was dark and loud music was pumping and the strobe lighting or whatever it was, was VERY ROCK SHOW. And then the show, aka church service started. And it was loud and everyone was beautiful — and there were thousands -and NO one was over 35 and they all had their arms high up in the air and the band was rocking but instead of singing about sex drugs and rock and roll they were singing about…JESUS. I mean fuck, even I got into it. I think I raised one arm because I AM A SUCKER FOR HOT MEN WITH GUITARS singing songs that made the hairs on your arms stand up. I mean check this out…it has 176 MILLION views:

ANYWAY…then comes the Pastor. I know all about how important a Pastor/Priest/Minister is in terms of bringing the flock together. My mom would rehearse her sermons like an actor rehearsing for a play. It’s theatrical…you need to bring people together and inspire them and the whole energy and dynamic is important.

BUT OMG PASTOR CARL WAS HOT. He came out onto the stage…he was wearing a button down shirt with the sleeves cut off and unbuttoned down to almost the naval and a ton of silver necklaces like he was dipped in YSL and Varvatos and had on a MASSIVE expensive looking watch and I looked around the “flock” and girls were LOSING THEIR SHIT. Like Elvis had just entered. They pushed forward more, they fixed their hair, they had that look girls do when at a concert and they just HOPE the lead singer notices them.

Here is Pastor Carl preaching:

And I was buying whatever this dude was selling, I am not going to lie. When it was time for “communion” they handed out candy…CANDY! Pastor Carl could have told me to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge and at that moment I probably would have. It was INTOXICATING. A perfect way to manipulate a certain group of people….be HOT, be fashionable, wear expensive brands, play music that is pop/rock, make it a club feel, make a VIP section…and then BOOM you have a flock and you have MONEY coming in and it’s a story as old as time.

As is when the mighty fall. AND if I have ONE super power…my ONE SUPER POWER is identifying the bad boy…I have a radar and I HONED IN ON PASTOR CARL. AND VOILA, call me the least surprised….AS Pastor Carl inevitably did fall….we saw him hanging with the Bieber and other famous artists…looking hot and like he was having a good ole time. HE became TMZ and Daily Mail famous. And then we learn Pastor Carl has been a bad husband and had at least one affair…likely more…but was caught because of TECHNOLOGY as his texts exchanges ended up on the work computer his team was also using. AND TABLOIDS GO NUTS. And I didn’t write about it before because it was all so OBVIOUS and cliche and what more could be said. BUT then the New York Times did an amazing look (link below) at it and I was like “I HAVE TO SHARE MY EXPERIENCE”.

Hillsong is a juggernaut regardless…they have a bajillion plays on Spotify and YouTube…the numbers are staggering. But like all churches…scandal is just under the surface. Don’t AT me…I have seen it in EVERY CHURCH I was a part of as a kid. EVERY head of a church was having an affair or playing with children or stealing from the church accounts or ALL OF THE ABOVE. Whether they are wearing fancy robes, or YSL leather pants…it’s always the same.

AND PS: Pastor Carl was one of the people that brought wire-rimmed aviator glasses into the frontlines of pop culture and I say this with all seriousness…this is one of his BIGGEST OFFENSES.