As the Father of Two Daughters, I’d Like to Say a Few Things
By: Eric Olsen
Tags: Humor, Sexism, Satire, Sexual Assault, Man Piece

As the father of two daughters, I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like any other father of two daughters who’s been #blessed with two legs. Once they’re on, though, they stay on — unless, of course, I’m changing at the gym or going number two, in which case I check to make sure there aren’t any stray daughters wandering around who might see me without my pants on, because, man, if I were that daughter’s father, I don’t know what I’d do if I knew she’d seen a guy like me drop trou.

As the father of two daughters, I don’t like olives. Neither do the two daughters of whom I am proud to be the father of. It’s unfortunate, since an olive seems like the perfect food: it’s a bitesized vegetable that acts like a meat, and it never comes out of the bedroom in a bathrobe begging for a back rub. Maybe it’s a texture thing, I don’t know.

As the father of two daughters, I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve never watched a Ken Burns documentary, though I’m familiar with the iMovie effect named after him. I use it whenever I want to turn our vacation photos into cool slideshows. A few years ago, I figured out how to add music, which really makes them pop. I typically use Taylor Swift’s “Never Grow Up” — probably because I’m the father of two daughters and can relate to wanting them to stay exactly as they are and never, ever change.

As the father of two daughters, I suck in my gut whenever I look at myself in a mirror. Just to be clear, my shirt stays on the entire time; it wouldn’t be appropriate for the father of two daughters to pop off his shirt every time he sees his reflection.

As the father of two daughters, I’m disturbed by how my daughters regularly put the toilet paper roll on backwards. They certainly didn’t learn that from me. It’s probably their mother’s fault, but I would never say that because, as the father of two daughters, I reject any and all statements that could be perceived as sexist or misogynistic. Remember, I took part in the #WomensMarch. I’m all about smashing the patriarchy.

As the father of two daughters, I have a hard time spelling familiar and similar. I feel like they’re giving us mixed messages. When is it ok to use the I? When is it not ok? And why do they get to decide how they want to be spelled? That’s not the kind of world I want my two daughters to raise my future grandsons in.

As the father of two daughters, I’m not totally convinced that 180-gram vinyl sounds any better than regular vinyl. Besides, all these heavyweight vinyl releases are expensive, and as a father of not just one but two daughters, I’m having a hard time justifying how much I spent on that 180-gram reissue of Bon Jovi’s Slippery When Wet. I should know better than to eBay after midnight. My daughters deserve better.

As the father of two daughters, I firmly believe there’s only one way to pronounce GIF: with a hard G. You can disagree, but you’ll sound like an idiot. Is that what you want? Look, just say the word “gift.” Ok, now get rid of the “t.” You hear that? That’s the sound of you saying it the right way. Save that soft G malarky for the peanut butter lovers. I don’t care how the creator of the GIF thinks you should pronounce it — as the father of two daughters, I don’t think any man has the right to tell you what you should sound like. Your body, your choice, amirite?

As the father of two daughters, I #neverforget to put the toilet seat down.