Grandma Wants Revenge on Reindeer Who Ran Her Over
By: Ryan Fan
Tags: Social Media, Satire, Humor, Books, Music

Grandma Wants Revenge on Reindeer Who Ran Her Over

After a heated Twitter feud, Santa, the reindeer, and Grandma have agreed to duke it out in a WWE match

Photo made by author on Canva Pro

Twitter has exploded over the chaos of the legal battles of Grandma suing reindeer who ran her over, Dusty. #TeamSanta #TeamDusty and #TeamGrandma become the top three trending hashtags on Christmas, in what becomes the most bitter and divisive Twitter topic since the 2020 election.

The reason? Grandma wants revenge. About 50% of Twitter stands with Grandma, while 40% of Twitter thinks Dusty is the real victim. Santa, in his attempt to avoid all liability, blamed the accident all on Dusty. After the accident with Grandma, Dusty has had a broken leg which has twisted almost 90 degrees, and Dusty has had no funding from his abusive boss in paying for his medical bills. The National Reindeer Union has thrown their hat behind Dusty and started a GoFundMe to pay for his surgery.

10% of people on Twitter are still with Santa, equating him with God since he gives them whatever they want when they wish for it. Santa, a government employee, has been charged by the U.S. Department of Justice for corruption and embezzling funds. When Santa was confronted by the media, however, he doubled down on defending himself and equating himself with Jesus:

“I give people their dreams, their presents, and all of a sudden they want to crucify me for not carrying a receipt? I may as well nail myself on the cross right now — a real ‘Christian’ wouldn’t turn his back on me.”

Meanwhile, Grandma has banded with Cousin Mel to find justice and demand accountability for the reindeer’s hit and run. Cousin Mel said that if Grandma was hit by a car, it would have automatically involved the police and insurance companies. However, there’s all of a sudden an exception when it comes to reindeer.

“A reindeer is actually more dangerous than a car,” Cousin Mel said. “They have antlers that, you know, can impale you.”

Politicians across the board have been divided on the issue. Overwhelmingly, Donald Trump has thrown his hat behind Santa, tweeting that he deserved to be “PARDONED” for not doing anything wrong. Trump has also thrown his hat behind building a Santa brand of hotels and casinos to help raise money for his legal battles against Grandma and Dusty. While Santa’s support only comprises 10% of Twitter, his supporters are the most vocal, accusing the elite media of distorting the truth and claiming Santa is the only one who can tell the truth.

Twitter has stepped up its moderation due to the viciousness of the Twitter battles. The company didn’t see anything wrong when Santa made death threats against Dusty, especially since Dusty doesn’t constitute an “individual or a group of people” in its guidelines and policies. Death threats against Santa and Grandma, however, have been banned and deleted off the platform, and Dusty’s attorney, Rudolph, has pledged to file suit against Twitter for selective enforcement.

Outside of the courts, Twitter wanted to see more action. Since Cousin Mel’s house is undergoing the foreclosure process, and all parties have lost significant income from legal fees and litigation, all have agreed to extrajudicial justice. Vince McMahon at the WWE has announced a Triple Threat match between Grandma, Santa, and Dusty that will finally settle the argument between the three, with $2,000,000 in prize money. The event at Wrestlemania sold out within minutes. Vegas has betting lines for all three, with Santa coming in at -200, Dusty coming in at +50, and Grandma coming in at +150.

When Grandma heard she was the favorite to lose the match, she felt offended. Behind the scenes, she’d been working on her wrestling moves with Grandpa, diving from the roof to elbow him in the chest, putting him in a chokehold that sends him into an asthma attack, and twisting his arm until his shoulder tears from his socket. She even has threatened to take away his medication if he reports her to authorities. Although she never expressed such violence earlier in her life, Grandma wants revenge against both Santa and Dusty, and she has never felt so alive. Grandpa, from his stretcher, has put all of his retirement funds on Grandma.

“Once my wife has three cups of eggnog, you do not want to be in the same room as her,” he said.