Chronicles of a People Pleaser. The obsession of people pleasing stems…
By: Kajeetha Sarvananthan
Tags: People, Loneliness, Bullying, Introvert, Society

Chronicles of a People Pleaser

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

T he obsession of people pleasing stems from a single feeling: Inadequacy. Feelings of inadequacy often lead to the assumption that other people’s default reaction to you is rejection. The simple yet not so simple solution to this issue would be to go above and beyond to try and please such people. For a people pleaser, the natural requirement for love, acceptance and fulfilment is compromised often times due to being exposed to an unhealthy amount of rejection and exclusion earlier on in life.

My family moved around a lot when I was between the ages of 1 and 6 which meant new friends and a new school every few months or so. As you can imagine being thrown into a new environment that many times at that age can do a number on you. I became very introverted because I was uncomfortable with my surroundings or the other kids around me. However, when first grade rolled around my parents finally stopped moving and instead I was presented with every kid’s worst nightmare. I was bullied a lot in 1st and 2nd grade. As an extremely shy kid, I wasn’t able to stick up for myself or ask for help. In my head this was a game of trying to keep the people I already knew in my life. Somehow it was better to be with people that bullied me rather than to be alone.

This saga continued on to middle school but middle school was different. Just like every other middle schooler I became very aware of myself and deflected the hate from the bullies onto myself. Although I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me, there had to have been something wrong if people were making such degrading comments. Since, I couldn’t fix what was wrong with me the only thing that made sense was to be nice to these people and try to get them to like me some other way! I was made to feel like an outcast no matter where I went and because it seemed like everyone I talked to also talked to everyone else I became obsessed with being kind and avoiding mistakes to avoid the rumours and exclusion.

Funny how I’m explaining the logic and reasoning behind my unhealthy obsession because nothing about this is rational. I became obsessed with people pleasing, being nice, and letting things go that normally wouldn’t be let go of. So much so, that it became my personality trait and a part of my identity. I still have trouble and blur the lines of a favour a friend may ask versus a favour for someone who may not have my best interest in mind. I have encountered people who would rather use my personality trait to their advantage a many of times. It took me 23 years to realize that sometimes no matter who the person is we need to set aside the fear of rejection, and the fear of losing that relationship in order to prioritize your best interests and your own happiness. It is the repercussions of confrontation that people pleasers are afraid of not confrontation itself. I needed to realize that it is ok to say no and that there are mature ways to say no to the people you love. If they truly love you they will understand.

You see, I’m not absurd, I knew these things before but, that’s the thing about an obsession. Your desire to stay consistent overrules what makes sense. My people pleaser tendencies couldn't be consistent because news flash! It really is impossible to please everyone. Not because some people might not mesh with your personality, or some people find flaws in everything. Simply put, if two or more of the people you care about have different interests at heart you cannot always be for all teams. Your interests are not always going to align with all parties. You are more likely to ruin important relationships trying to side with all parties than you are by aligning with your own beliefs.

Alongside people pleasing tendencies comes too many promises that can’t be kept, too much flexibility, and feeble communication. What leads to more consistency and reliability is clear communication of what you really want rather than trying to look for ways to please everyone. It is safe to say that I have come a long way with my people pleasing tendencies but, I still have a lot to learn!