9 Predictions on the Ways in Which Trump Might Vacate the White House
By: Jennifer Geer
Tags: Humor, Politics, Satire, White House, Trump

My top 9 predictions on how Trump will leave the White House

This countdown starts with the least likely, ending with the most probable outcome.

# 9. He will concede. Trump will see the time has come to graciously concede. He will invite Biden for a White House visit in the same courteous manner President Obama gave to him. He will attend Biden’s inauguration with dignity, just as President George H.W. Bush did after his one-term election loss to Bill Clinton. He will…I can’t finish this. It’s too preposterous to imagine. There is no way this is happening.

# 8. Melania will offer him one night of sexy fun if he will just, for the love of God, leave peacefully without raising a scene. She’s tired of being humiliated. She wants to go home. Right. I know. This isn’t happening either.

# 7. He will lock himself in the Oval Office and swallow the key. The Secret Service will be forced to break the door down with an ax. (This actually happened to a governor once in Texas. Not the key swallowing, but the locking the door and breaking it with an ax part.) Trump will then be led by the Secret Service from the White House. And if this is how it goes down, I am praying that one of his aides will record the entire thing and upload it to Facebook.

# 6. Rudy Giulini will call Trump to tell him he must leave the White House and come immediately to his special news conference at the Four Seasons, no, no, not that Four Seasons. The one nestled in between the crematorium and the sex shop. Where he will finally reveal actual proof of voter fraud. Oh, wait, this already happened. In real life. Not a “Saturday Night Live” sketch. Never mind.

# 5. Mike Pence will tell Trump that Time Magazine has called, and they realize they made a terrible mistake naming Biden and Harris as Person of the Year. They are waiting outside with a medal, a magazine with Trump’s picture on the cover, and a lollipop. Just come a little further this way, Mr. President. Yes, like that, just outside the gate.

# 4. Like thieves in the night, the entire Trump clan will disappear one day in January. One moment they are there, and the next, they are gone. Later the Biden’s discover the White House is missing some silverware and artwork. And someone drew a mustache on President Obama’s presidential portrait.

# 3. Jared and Ivanka will lure him away by telling him millions of Trump-lovers in MAGA hats are lined up on the streets all the way to his favorite golf course. He won’t find out the crowds are mask-wearing, inauguration celebrators until it’s too late to go back. His bags will be packed in the limo, and Biden’s team will change the locks as soon as Trump is out the door.

# 2. He will go to Mar-a-Lago for Christmas and never come back. I didn’t make this up. This one is predicted by his former attorney, Michael Cohen. This one seems very plausible.

I’ll take it a bit further than Cohen did and predict that once he is there, he sets up a tiny desk flanked by American flags where he has someone take pictures of him appearing to be working. He posts these images regularly on social media. Well, on Parler anyway, because he’s finally been banned from Twitter.

For all the rest of his days, he never admits defeat. He forces the Mar-a-Lago staff to play “Hail to the Chief” every single time he walks into a room. Any room. Even the bathroom. He renames his personal jet “Air Force One,” and he redubs his resort “the Southern White House.”

He holds court there like he’s Don Corleone from “The Godfather” with a constant stream of people wearing red MAGA hats bowing to him and kissing his ring.

He has a crazy Alex Jones-style podcast where his conspiracy theories grow further unhinged. Podcasts are all he’s got because the news channel he attempted to run failed miserably, as all his businesses fail in the end.

Eventually, Melania has his suite renovated with padded walls as he descends further and further into madness.

#1. He will fly away on Air Force One on January 20th, arriving at a pro-Trump rally in Florida to announce his presidential run for 2024. He will time his announcement to be the exact moment Biden is being sworn in. It will be shown only on the pseudo-news channels he loves. Fox News, in their attempt at being a real news channel, will be forced to air the Biden Inauguration.

I didn’t make this one up either. He has actually discussed this with his advisors. It seems the most likely as it’s the most obnoxious way to go. What more will the man crave on the day Biden is taking over than to be surrounded by a crowd of his most ardent supporters?

They will all ride off into the sunset together, cheerfully breathing Covid germs into each other’s faces. And live happily ever after. At least until the many legal challenges he can’t pardon himself from start to catch up.