Blockbuster Moon Buyout by Bezos, Branson and Musk
By: Lester Golden
Tags: Investment, Satire, Finance, Humor, Amazon

He’s Over the Moon: https://www.axios.com/bezos-dreams-space-future-093b7042-3852-4a1a-8865-203bfd11873a.html

Breaking News: April 1, 2022

Moonbeam Ventures’ Lunar Privatization Deal

A private equity investor group led by Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin, Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactica and Elon Musk’s SpaceX has struck a deal to buy the moon from COVID19-stricken earth governments. With this mother of all LBOs (leveraged buyouts) the Moon and its still unmined resources have been privatized.

Negotiations for earth’s debt-strapped governments were led by reelected dealmaker-president Donald Trump, Russia’s Vladimir Putin, Brazil’s Jair Bolsonaro, France’s National Front-Gilet Jaunes leader Marine LePen representing the European Commission and Chinese President Xi Jin Ping. Earth’s principal political leaders all agreed to unload earth’s largest non-core asset to pay down growth-crushing debt and fund pandemic prevention health infrastructure and patient treatment. The sellers will retain a minor percentage of the moon’s future revenue streams from mining, tourism and other ventures.

Goldman Sachs advised the sellers in this transaction, which will no doubt burnish its well-earned reputation as a global vampire squid. The Goldman banker involved was the same one who advised on Malaysia on its 1MDB deals, leading to Goldman’s $3.1 billion refund in fraudulent fees to its Malaysian client. Most mainstream economists forecast that privatizing the moon’s economic potential is expected jump start growth on earth’s stagnant QE forever deflation-racked economy.

Federal Reserve chairman Jay Powell praised the deal, affirming its potential to free earth’s economy from zero interest rates and deflation without causing risk assets to crash again from the bubblicious valuations driven by the Powell-put that investors know will bail them out every time the markets have a hissy fit (descendant of the Greenspan put that expired in the 2008-09 global financial crisis).

Powell said, “phew, I was worried that the Fed’s balance sheet might shoot the moon without needing a SpaceX rocket to get there. This gets the target Trump loved to shoot at off the Fed’s back and ensures continued central bank independence.”

Responding to critics of the deal that he was investing more off-world than on earth, Bezos said returns on earthbound investments were too low. “Richard, Elon and I all have a responsibility to maximize return on capital for our shareholders, which now means investing out of this world. “ This deal will offer limitless opportunities for Amazon marketplace businesses for lucrative sales to moon-bound miners and service personnel. At the press conference the centi-billionaire lead investors said investor capital naturally goes to investments offering the highest returns. They all agreed that right now the most stratospheric returns on their trillions are far above the stratosphere, not below it. Besides, Bezos said, moon-driven wealth creation for him and his co-investors would certainly trickle down to earth, especially after SpaceX builds a hyperloop tether between earth and the moon.

When asked whether Moonbeam Ventures plans on an initial public offering (IPO), the billionaire tech and space entrepreneurs privatizing the moon said that might happen if the venture needed capital to expand operations to Mars.

Jeff Bezos’ space colony vision

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