On the moment before you become a father
By: Cristian Markovich
Tags: Baby, Parenthood, Dads, Pregnancy, Fatherhood

A few years ago my wife and I tried to have a baby and it didn’t work out. We went from absolute joy to unbearable sorrow when we found out we miscarried. I had names in mind and pictured bouncing the baby on my knee before we found out that the baby just didn’t develop in the right way. No heartbeat detected was the official word from the Doctor on duty. Luckily we received an outpouring of support from our family, friends, and political allies.

A few years later I left elected office after a health scare of my own (don’t worry folks, I’m doing much better now) we tried again to start a family and as of this post, my wife is 7 months pregnant with our son. The first thing we decided to do was clean out the house and make it suitable for a baby. With the help of our friends, our little home is a thousand steps closer towards baby-safe then it ever was before. The further into this journey I started to think about who my son is and what his personality might be. I imagine him and hope that he’s doing okay and that he’s feeling happy. It didn’t really click with me until I saw his first ultrasound. I saw a grey and black outline of his torso and then his head came into focus. He was moving around and his little hand appeared which looked like he was giving me the power fist indicating he was doing alright. That moment had a profound effect on me. I looked at my wife and she had a toothy smile and said “yay!”. The doctor then brought out another contraption and we heard the sounds of an underwater heartbeat. That feeling made me feel just tremendous.

We are less than a few months away from when our son arrives in this world. We have a had many many doctor’s appointments for Mama to make sure both of them are doing well (which they are) and for the most part, we have a bedroom that is all set for him. Since then I have seen his little photo of my fridge and I get to feel his kicks get stronger each week. It is a strange feeling knowing that our son is just inches away but I can’t speak to him yet or look into his eyes. We made up a little song about him that we sing multiple times a day. We purchased these headphones that we can attach to my wife’s tummy and he can listen to whatever we play for him. He tends to kick to the most during “Hey Jude” by The Beatles, which means I hope we’re starting him off on the right foot. When he kicks during that song I wonder if he enjoys it and I wonder if he had a favorite part. I can picture him tapping his toes during the song’s crescendo. I’ve heard through pop culture that a woman becomes a mother when she finds out she’s pregnant and a man becomes a father when their baby is born. To a point, I feel that this is true in my case but I felt a profound change in my psyche when I saw his first movements on the ultrasound and when I felt his first good real kick. I’ve had daydreams of walking him home from school and showing him some of my favorite movies and videogames and hope that he finds them interesting too. I’ve thought about teaching him how to shave and giving him pointers about life in general. Feeling that attachment to someone who hasn’t been born yet is the best way I can describe fatherhood right now. I already worry about him. I already love him. And I can’t wait to meet him. I can’t wait to learn from him. And I can’t wait to go on this adventure.