Getting Rich Might Be Easier Than You Think
By: Bebe Nicholson
Tags: Humor, Satire, Lawsuit, Humour, Food

I’m going to be rich. Don’t laugh, this is a slam dunk. I don’t even need to publish a best seller or start a company. What’s more, I’ll let you in on a secret. You, too, can avail yourself of this potential windfall.

The beginning of my ride to riches occurred in the summer of 2013, on what started out as an ordinary day. It ended as an ordinary day too, but my assessment of the day as ordinary, even boring, goes to show that the least significant activities, the stuff we are tempted to write off as forgettable, are the things that catapult us to unexpected rewards.

I remember the day well. Or maybe not so well, but I can reconstruct it. I was in the kitchen, feeling those first pangs of hunger that surface when you’ve already had lunch and it’s not time for dinner and you can’t focus or do anything much until you’ve had something to eat.

I could have reached for an apple or a banana, but my craving was for something salty, artificially flavored and devoid of all nutritional value. I reached for the giant variety snack pack I bought at Costco a few weeks earlier only to realize with dismay that all the potato chips and Fritos were gone.

The only thing left was Cheez-Its.

If you haven’t figured out where this is going by now, you haven’t read today’s Wall Street Journal. The story is on page 18. Three women are suing Kellogg’s, the manufacturer of Cheez-Its, because they feel misled and they want justice.

One of the plaintiffs, Linda Castle, purchased Cheez-Its approximately three times in 2013 from a grocer in Torrance, California. Her lawsuit and her pursuit of justice stem from the assumption that her Cheez-Its contained more whole grain than the label would lead one to believe.

So What?!!! You might be thinking. Who cares if Linda Castle bought Cheez-Its and believed she was consuming a health food? There’s a sucker born every minute, according to P.T. Barnum. But here’s the caveat. The Cheez-Its were labeled Whole Grain. And although the box explains that they contain 5 to 8 grams of whole grain for each 29-gram serving, the plaintiff felt deceived.

Mrs. Castle and the other plaintiffs are seeking damages, other monetary relief, and declaratory relief, (whatever that means.)

Although a federal judge dismissed the case, ruling that the “Whole Grains” wording was factually correct, and the label would “neither mislead nor deceive a reasonable consumer,” the U.S. Court of Appeals has reversed the dismissal.

Here’s where I come in, and maybe you if you’ve eaten Cheez-Its any time in the past eight years. The plaintiffs want a class action suit consisting of anyone in the U.S. or its territories who has bought Cheez-Its since 2010.

According to the Wall Street Journal there are thousands, possibly millions of people who bought Cheez-Its, “all of whom munched away happily without formal complaint.”

The more I think about it, the better I remember that fateful day when I reached for the Cheez-Its. I can still hear the bag’s cellophane rustle, smell the cheesy odor, savor the crunchy junk food taste.

My husband probably qualifies for the class action suit, too. The other day he fished a bag of Cheez-Its with a 2011 expiration date from the back of the pantry. “I forgot how good these things are,” he said, digging in, his fingers dusted with the telltale orange stain that is the bane of all Cheez-It eaters, especially those who sit on white couches.

Maybe white couch owners should sue, too.

Forget all the listicles you’ve read about how to get rich. You don’t need to wake at 5 AM, drink a spinach/yogurt/green tea smoothie, run eight miles, and meditate chanting Aham Prema, all before 8 o’clock, after which you begin your work day with an single-mindedness and positivity that would put Zig Ziglar to shame.

All you have to do is dig deep and dredge up the memory of that single defining moment when you ate Cheez-Its. I have done it, and you can too. Let this lawsuit proceed.