The Worst Things Men Have Said to Me in Bed
By: Evangeline Grace
Tags: Sex, Relationships, This Happened To Me, Dating, Men

The Worst Things Men Have Said to Me in Bed

Avoid these buzzkill phrases unless you want to spoil the mood

You cooked her an incredible dinner and washed the dishes to take chores off her mind. You lit scented candles, put on soothing music, and massaged her body until she sighed with bliss.

Now she’s relaxing naked on the sheets, looking at you with come-hither eyes. It’s time to make love. Great! But what you do and say next matters even more than you may realize.

The last thing you want to do is ruin the mood by blurting out something tactless or distracting during sex. With one misstep, you could easily ruin the intimate atmosphere you worked so hard to create.

“Sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context,” explains Edward O. Laumann, PhD. That’s why it’s crucial to choose your words carefully. Saying something that makes your partner uncomfortable could reverse her arousal in an instant.

I know that’s true because it’s happened to me many times. To save you running into the same problem, I’ve compiled a list of the most awkward things men have said to me during sex. Steer clear of these insensitive lines to avoid turning your partner off in bed.

“Come for me.”

I’ll preface this by saying there are certain situations in which you can use this instruction. Some people like to be commanded. For example, an order to come may sound particularly arousing to a submissive partner.

But if, like me, your partner struggles to climax in the first place, hearing this phrase can be off-putting. In those circumstances, “come for me” sounds like the adult male equivalent of a child asking: “Are we there yet?” Yes, it’s that irritating.

Many men who ask a woman to come for them actually mean well. They’re trying to express their desire to see their partner sexually satisfied. But generally, orgasms are involuntary; they can’t be summoned at will. When you instruct your lover to orgasm, you’re pressuring her to perform for you. That’s intimidating enough to kill the orgasm she may otherwise have had!

The last time a guy asked me to come for him, I was approaching orgasm, but needed more stimulation. Hearing the instruction made it so hard to relax, I ended up unable to climax at all. I felt like he was telling me to come because I was taking too long, and he couldn’t be bothered to wait.

Unless your partner likes to be instructed, don’t assume she’ll enjoy you telling her to come. If you really care about her orgasm, pay attention to her non-verbal cues. Work with her and keep giving her the stimulation she needs. Helping her achieve an orgasm is much sexier than telling her to have one!

“Bet you’ve never been with a guy my size, huh?”

I actually feel pity when men say things like this because I know that deep down, they’re seeking validation. Porn and popular culture have perpetuated the myth that the bigger the penis, the better the sex. As a result, one guy I was with wanted confirmation that I hadn’t slept with anyone bigger.

There are several reasons why I don’t recommend asking this question. First, do you really want to force your partner to think about other men’s penises while she’s having sex with you? When you say things like: “Bet you’ve never been with a guy my size”, you pull her out of a moment she could be enjoying. She’s having sex with you; it’s your penis she’s interested in. Stop filling her mind with images she never asked for.

Second, by putting so much emphasis on your penis size, you’re signaling superficiality. Great sex is about attentiveness, communication and connection. The best lovers are most concerned with how well they can read their partner’s body. Don’t worry about your penis size — worry about whether you’re empathetic and considerate. If you are, you’re already way hotter than a selfish lover with large genitals.

Now don’t get me wrong. If you feel self-conscious about your penis size, I’m not saying you should never be vulnerable. Sharing your insecurities is a healthy thing to do in an intimate relationship. But there are reasonable and unreasonable ways to seek reassurance.

By demanding: “Tell me my penis is the biggest you’ve ever seen”, you put your partner in a difficult position. So what if she has slept with someone bigger? It might not matter to her as much as it matters to you. Focus on what’s important, instead of asking her about things that are irrelevant.

“If you toned up your abs a little, you’d be perfect.”

When a guy I was dating came out with this line, he genuinely thought he was being helpful. He’d preceded that comment by praising the pertness of my buttocks. So he wasn’t calling me completely unattractive. But I hadn’t asked him for constructive criticism. He wasn’t my personal trainer. By highlighting the body parts he felt I could improve on, he made me want to put my clothes back on immediately.

When a woman gets naked in your presence, respect the courage it takes her to strip. She’s constantly bombarded by messages in the media about how her body could be better. Believe me, she gets the picture — she doesn’t need to hear you repeating the same old message. If you want her to enjoy sleeping with you, make her feel comfortable. Don’t offer unwanted fitness advice or hurt her feelings with backhanded compliments.

If you’d like to say something about her physical features, tell her honestly what you love. That’s it. Nothing less, nothing more. Anything else will only impede her ability to relax and let go of self-consciousness.

“My ex used to love it when I did this.”

We all have a history. And as we gain experience, we hopefully get better at sex. But that doesn’t mean we should assume our current partner will enjoy the same things as an ex-lover. We each have different bodies, different kinks, and a different psychological makeup. There is no “one size fits all” during sex.

During one of my most uncomfortable encounters, a guy I was seeing bit my shoulder during sex. When I asked him not to do that, he looked downright insulted. “I don’t get what your problem is,” he huffed. “My ex used to love it when I did that!”

That kind of attitude assumes all women like the same things. Newsflash: they don’t! You have to take the time to learn what each individual finds appealing.

The other problem with bringing up your ex in bed is that it’s disrespectful to the person in front of you. Don’t compare the woman you’re with to others; appreciate her for her uniqueness. Every person you sleep with brings something new to the table. It doesn’t make sense to expect sex with them to be like sex with someone else.

“You’re into stuff like that? That’s gross!”

Finally, if a woman trusts you enough to share a personal fantasy with you, the worst thing you can to do is kink shame. I’m not saying you have to go along with anything you’re not comfortable with. Just don’t make your partner feel bad for having a sexuality!

For a few months, I dated a guy whom I was starting to get really close to. One night, while we were having sex, he asked me if there was anything new I’d like to try with him in future. I don’t know what he expected to hear, but I felt brave enough to tell him I loved the idea of having sex on my period. I wasn’t pressuring him to make it a reality — just sharing the fact I’d get off on it. The horrified look on his face was enough to make me wish I’d kept silent.

“That’s vile,” he informed me, sticking two fingers down his throat for emphasis. “If we were having sex and I realized you were on your period, I’d probably puke.”

There’s nothing wrong with having personal boundaries. Still, there are ways to express them politely. Suffice it to say we finished having sex, but I couldn’t enjoy it because I felt I’d disgusted him. I never felt comfortable opening up to him about my private wishes again. After that, our sex life quickly fizzled out.