Day 21 — with no twist. “Older” Sasha Sloan, part 2
Tags: 100 Days Writing, Older Adults, Emotional Rollercoaster, Parents

Day 21 — with no twist

I wrote this piece listening to the song. If you want to sip it in the same way here is the link to Spotify and this is of course a complete personal interpretation of the song.

This song was too powerful that I have given it days to process. I thought I gave it enough time to be able to swallow it without letting it create knots in my throat but I didn’t succeed. This song was the sign when I realized that I’m turning into another kind of adult. It was hard to find what I wanted to portray but hopefully is as fair as it can get.

My parents are warm-blooded. Meaning that conversations could get heated up. Arguments were not foreign to us. When someone would argue I would take sides. The heat was inevitable, and also the loud voices. I’ve also argued with my siblings. I’ve felt the rage inside me and felt the veins being pumped up.

“I tried not to listen to every little fight cause neither one was right” “I swore to never be like them but I was just a kid back then”

For some time I even thought that they didn’t love each other, I thought that we were a divided house. But the thought would fade away as quickly as it came to mind. Because the family outings, the family games, and the tranquil Sunday afternoons were erasing that quickly.

“I used to wonder why, why they could never be happy”

But their distancing was growing between them. As a kid I always was more attentive to those things, cause my whole world was my parents basically. School and the rest are still a bit like exploring the surroundings. I think me and my brothers might have been the thing that unified them for some time. We wouldn’t be the only family that that happened, that’s for sure.

As a kid, I didn’t doubt their marriage — that is too much to elaborate for a younger mind — but I knew they didn’t look happy.

Life, when I was born, came with my parents together and so I couldn’t really even think of the idea of separation. But as a kid, I was definitely missing the details. In the end, children are the fruit of the marriage but little do we get to see the romance they had before us. The dreams they shared, the attraction they felt. Because daily life comes in between, and all the complications that can bring. And I know first hand now that my parents didn’t set themselves for stability, they set themselves for adventure and risk, and actually, I only see later, they set themselves for trust.

I feel that my whole younger adulthood I’ve been searching for stability in my emotions. Maybe so that it wouldn’t happen to me. Maybe because I’m too afraid of accepting it. I’ve tried everything, psychologist, reading books… to understand why I live the emotional rollercoaster I live in. I tried reasoning myself out of it through philosophies, books, or psychology sessions. But I should know by now that my DNA is far from being a straight line. I move with passion and it’s like a drug. I need it every day and I want high leaps of love and I’m comfortable being sad when I need to be sad.

Entering a romantic relationship with my boyfriend has only shown me this with a clearer glass. I’m learning no matter how great our intentions we may have, no matter how much I know he loves me and I love him. The wall, the distance between us could start growing any time. I don’t want to let it happen but experiencing it made me realize that I’m late to forgive my parents. In my teenage judgment, I had constructed a super inaccurate image of their marriage and I couldn’t be more wrong.

“The older I get, the more that I see” “My parents aren’t heroes, they’re just like me” “And loving is hard, it don’t always work” “You just try your best not to get hurt” “I used to be mad but now I know” “Sometimes it’s better to let someone go”

My parents didn’t let each other go, it may or may not have something to do with the fact that they are both good Catholic persons. But I’m so ready to let go of the inaccurate portrait I constructed of them. To discover the underlying persons they are underneath their parent label and their true willing, loving souls. Cause I do have a blurry memory of the times when they would kiss each other goodbye or hello when leaving or arriving home. Me looking up to them from the living room to the entrance hall. That stayed forever in my mind.

A few years ago it started to feel like they are breaking the wall after all these years and I worship them for it. I’m the most astonished and I cry in admiration at their story.