I Don’t Know How To Tell Him
By: First Time Mama
Tags: Birth, Children, Motherhood, Moms, Parenting

First Time Mamas — You know that you are not feeling yourself, but your partner is equally stressed about juggling the pressures that come with a new baby or, awkwardly, they’re on cloud nine and wondering why you’re so moody.

When you are feeling like this, it can be very hard to rationally explain to someone else how you are feeling, much less understand what you are meant to do about it. How your partner deals with your state of mind could play a defining role in your relationship so telling them how you feel is really important. We’re here to help you tell him that you’re in need of a little help…

DADS — THIS ONE’S FOR YOU…

DEAR DARLING,

In times of crisis, turn to Olly Murs, right? Well, no — but it is important to recognise that your partner has been finding things a bit tougher than she thought she might after childbirth. She’d like your help to get herself back on her feet and she needs to count on you.

BABY BLUES ARE PRETTY MUCH A GIVEN

Baby Blues are actually a form of mild depression and it normally strikes within a few days of childbirth. Your partner will experience a sense of isolation, they may be more prone to tears and they will have a sense of exhaustion that they have never felt before. The Baby Blues should last for a couple of weeks after labour and then she should feel a little bit more like herself. Tired, yes. Tearful, not so much. Insomnia — it could be Postnatal Depression.

WHAT ACTUALLY IS POSTNATAL DEPRESSION?

A reaction to the multitude of hormonal, physical, emotional and mental changes that have, and will have to happen, in order for your partner to become a mother. She might also need a lot of help and encouragement to work through the things that are troubling her, but if you’re reading this because she’s asked you to, then it’s time to understand what’s up and what’s to be done.

SOUND FAMILIAR?

Your partner has experienced a huge change in hormones. When you cradle your infant in your arms and wonder at the majesty of nature, it is mostly because of your partner’s amazing capabilities that you can do this. Yes, you also had a starring role but credit where credit is due.

She’s juggling changes in oestrogen, progesterone and thyroid levels. She’s experiencing changes in blood pressure, in her immune system and metabolism. She’s mentally overburdened and emotionally shot through. Sleep can help but it is not in plentiful supply.

IT MIGHT BE QUICKER TO SIMPLY ACCEPT IT

It can be hard to get your head round a Postnatal Depression diagnosis. This was meant to be the sunshine time with baby here, safe and sound. But here’s something that might stand you in good stead. For now, go with the flow. Don’t analyse the where or why. Park it and deal with it at a later stage, when you are more able to cope with it.

ACTION MAN

There are many things you can do on a practical level to help your partner back on her feet. Some may look like a guide on how to life a luxury lifestyle but you are trying to help someone feel human again. If that includes a long lie in once a week and a foot rub, it’s hardly the highlife -but it could mean the world to her.

CALL IN THE TROOPS

It used to take a village to raise a child. Today, modern women are often alone and with just their baby for company across long periods of time. Help her to stay connected with other people, friends and family, even if she would prefer not to. She may feel the better for feeling their support.

When you’ve made sure that she’s been surrounded by loving people, make sure that you also find a trusted outlet so that you have someone to call on when you need it too.

It might also help to find a mother and baby group for her to try out. It is often new mothers’ idea of hell but the chance of her finding someone just like her are actually quite high. She might even find a new lifelong friend.

THE HOUSEWORK CAN WAIT — OR YOU CAN DO IT!

Encourage your partner to have a long bath while you take the baby out for a stroll or, even better, run the hoover round. If your partner can stay on top of her self-care, it will support positive well-being and get her back on her feet.

Help her to prioritise her work with the baby over and above housekeeping. It doesn’t mean that the house has to go to hell. You are well capable of keeping a house clean and tidy. If not, get someone in. It won’t be forever.

KEEP ON THE MOVE

It’s well known that exercise can be really helpful at times like these, so helping your partner to go for a walk, swim or gentle jog could be as important as taking medication. You won’t always be at work, so make it your priority to schedule in time for a walk at the weekend. You might make all the difference to helping her through the week — and every week counts.

A FINE ROMANCE

Don’t get sucked into the idea that life now revolves around baby. Make time for you to appreciate each other. Your baby is part of your life, a very biiiig part of your life, but don’t forget to include a little ‘Us Time’.

Cutting to the chase here, more than half of all divorces take place after the birth of a child. The concept of date night may sound ridiculous but it shows that couples take time to reconnect with one another, away from the baby monitor and the bottle steriliser. Real life will never be too far away so cherish the stolen moments you have together.

TWO EARS, ONE MOUTH

Use them in that proportion but do use them. Having a baby does not mean that you take care of all the household chores so don’t expect your partner to be able to assume responsibility for everything. Listen to her when she is expressing her frustration — if she has to say it more than once, it means you didn’t listen the first time. Dismissing it as ‘nagging’ is short-sighted, so don’t.

If you’ve got thisfar, then thank you. At First Time Mama, we appreciate it from your point of view too. It has not been easy to be on the outside of a new mother-baby relationship and we appreciate that you’re probably keeping the household solvent. It’s a highly pressured time but there are moments of gold in there and you’ll have many more of these and less of your partner ironing Babygro’s at 3 am.

You will be doing the right thing.

read more articles on the first time mama blog