Open Letter to the Children of Toxic Parents
By: Julia Rachel
Tags: Toxic Relationships, Self Improvement, Self Love, Toxic Family, Self Development

Today I had another out of countless conversations with my mom that finished up with me feeling guilty for being a total disappointment as I am never good enough to meet her expectation. And when I feel like I do, new expectations arise. I think you get me.

This still hurts but not as much as before I started to meditate and go to therapy. Having my mother in my life is still challenging but I have grown a lot. I have managed to find true love, make amazing friends, and build a rewarding career. And I decided to share with you a couple of thoughts that I have about this whole experience of being a child of a toxic/unhappy/unsatisfied parent.

It starts when you feel like there is something wrong with you because your friends don’t hate their families. A 5 minute call home doesn’t feel like a torture to them. They move out because they want not because they have to. They don’t know what it feels like when you chase one goal after another but what you hear is only “You’re not trying hard enough”.

You live with a problem to never be talked about. Because the good intentions of parents are usually beyond question. Respect them, love them, help them. They gave you life. You were fed, dressed, not beaten, there is nothing else to ask for.

But the most important thing children need to grow into functional adults is love. And many people have too many issues to be able to just love a child unconditionally. They are trying to gain something and children are born because of boredom, loneliness, or ‘because it’s time’. They are thinking : ‘This new person make my life have sense! I will be needed, I will have authority. My child will live the life I have always wanted, realize all the dreams I never did, will be like my best friend, parent, lover I have never had! This is going to be so amazing!’. This is their love.

Love that has so many conditions that whoever it is brought upon feels like they are suffocating. You, child, have to fulfill so many dream and stick to so many rules!

You’re not the top of your class?

You smoke?

You’re a lesbian?

You got into fight again?

You want to be a tattoo artist?

You’re failing my plan. You’re ruining everything! Here comes the disappointment.

Luckily, there are magic words to get a lost child back into track:

You should try harder.

You’re not good enough.

You should do as I say.

Nobody needs you, except for me.

I dedicated my whole life to you, how can you…?

You should be more…(feminine, nice, smart, skinny).

You are too… (loud, fat, stupid ).

You will never be like….

If you think that no one understands, what it is to be constantly diminished, reminded how unworthy and useless you are, being blamed for disappointing others and ruining happeness for your parents, I do.

I feel you.

And listen to me when I say:

They are wrong. You have always been enough. Simply because you are you.

As long as you try to please them, act accordingly to their expectations, so that they could love you more, you will be stuck in this situation with no way out.

Just remember : whatever they say, they’re saying it about themselves.

Their life was worthless, not yours.

They are not good enough, not you.

They are failing, not you.

Nothing they say is about you.

No one has the authority to decide what you are like or what your life should be like. Take no one’s shit. Why should you feel guilty if you’re not doing what they say? If you’re not meeting their expectations? If you’re simply living your life the way you want it to be? You are simply a child who deserves to be loved. It is not your job to make your parents happy or compensate for their failures.

Self-love is a life-term journey and it is worth embarking on. Follow the I- want-path and not I-have-to-path. Only by forgiving yourself for what you’re not and letting go, connecting with other people who love and understand you, learning more about yourself, being brave, daring and free, can you become truly happy.