Post 6 - Christmas. It’s the most wonderful time of the…
Tags: Heartbreak, Christmas, Change

Post 6 - Christmas

It’s the most wonderful time of the year….or at least it’s supposed to be.

Christmas in your 20’s is weird. We’re too old for Santa and too young to have kids for Santa. This would usually mean Christmas becomes all about family, friends and usually alcohol. But 2020 has stopped a lot of the usual festivities. No Christmas party, no after work drinks with the office crowd, no travelling to friends houses and no opportunity for a Christmassy weekend away. This means Christmas has to be about family this year.

Now, I have a big family. 4 brothers and their other halves, 2 nephews, a third on the way and plenty of cousins. We used to have 14 people around our Christmas table. Yesterday we sat down with 6 adults and 2 kids at the table. The family is in a sort of transition phase. Two brothers are married, one has 2 kids, another has one on the way, a third brother is currently building a house with his long term partner and finally the youngest lives with his gf and they are looking to find their own place. By this time next year we may all be in separate houses with separate Christmas day plans.

I love my family, and Christmas together has been a tradition for our entire lives. Since 2018 Christmas has lost a lot of its magic. When we lost our mother we lost the focal point of the traditions. Yesterday was the first time my brother, his wife and kids hosted Christmas and it was away from our family house. It was a lovely meal, good fun around the table and lovely to see the excitement in the two little boys playing with all their presents. A couple hours after the meal ended we split and went our separate ways for a while. Brothers left to visit their in laws and I stayed to play jenga and other games with the kids. Usually I’d have spent Christmas evening having a few drinks, playing games and snapchatting/ texting with my gf in Cork.

This year I’ve been feeling really sorry for myself. I’m definitely missing the Christmas spirit. I’ve also avoided drinking too much because I dont trust myself not to message or snap my ex, also the hangover just drives me even deeper into my mood. Christmas has made me feel really lonely and isolated. I’m sure I’ll come around eventually but it’s tough to sit here watching all my brothers moving along with their lives and each of them in love and happy. I miss that.

This time last year I was in love, living away from home and working in Dublin. Now I’m heartbroken, living at home and working from a cold spare room. I’m really considering quitting my job. It’s a good job but I just dont care about it at all. I have mortgage approval and savings in place to try buy a house shortly but there is very little excitement in the idea of owning a house just to live by myself and even less in the idea of a roommate. I’m trying to stop IG stalking my ex, I’m trying to stop thinking about her and I’m trying to move on but its unbelievably tough. All I want is to be back to as happy as we were last year before I fucked everything up. I used to whinge about her little annoying habits like how ever floor of our apartment was covered in her hair but right bow I’d love to wake up every morning with her hair in my face, roll over and give her a kiss in the shoulder and a big hug.

Merry Christmas 🎅