For my future dear one, one who will carry my blood within theirs.
By: Dhia R P
Tags: Letters

Hi, love. If you are reading this, first, I hope you do not regret being born. I am of course very happy for your existence, and I hope you feel the same for it too, as I knew before you came that wanting you to be born is selfish on my side. I didn’t know what you will go through in this world. I didn’t know whether you will step on this world lightly, and with happiness; or heavily, and being accompanied by sadness all throughout your days. But I want you to know that I am thankful for your existence.

Love, when I wrote this letter, I know I have big expectations — about both myself and you. I expect myself to be able to teach you good values. I expect myself to be able to let you grow happily. I expect you to be a good person under my nurture. I expect you to have values I value. And again, that’s selfish on my side.

I am both excited and afraid for your arrival. Afraid that you would disappoint me and I would disappoint you in return. Afraid that I would force my “flexible” values upon you — and that would ironically be forceful instead of flexible. Afraid that the way I raise you would be a burden to you — I’ve decided a lot about how I would raise you and I’m afraid I would get very insistent with that. Afraid that I would get disappointed at how you would become. Afraid that I would not accept the possibility that you and I would be worlds apart in personality, and afraid that that would make me love you less. I’m praying all the way from now to not let that happen. That, being the fact that I would love you less.

I pray that I would accept you with all your differences. I pray that even with them, I would remember to act more out of love instead of just nurturance. I love you. and I hope I will let myself show that through my support and guidance, instead of just my teachings. I hope you would feel my love.

Parent-child relations are tricky, isn’t it? I have to always remember that we are separate people, that you are not an extension of me, but I also would have to be responsible for the things you have and do growing up. I used to think my responsibilities include making sure you grow well physically, making sure your needs are met, making sure you grow with certain sets of good values. Now I learn that it is also my responsibility to make sure you feel loved, feel safe, that you know you are enough and adequate as a person. But thinking it as responsibilities, again, makes me scared that I would force everything onto you, including my love.

But above the fear, there is the yearning, the excitement. I look forward to pouring you all of my love, to ask and listen to your thoughts, to help you do the things you like, to introduce you to good things in this world. I can’t wait to hug you 12 times a day, and tell you that you have done well today. I want to be the one who tells you all the good values, all the while opening a discussion on whether it is one you would like to adopt too. I want to be the one who gives you warmth, to be the safe space you can tell all your worries to. I want to be the one who can enable you to be the best person you can be.

There is a lot of things I want to do with you, yet I do not know if I will manage to do as I planned. I do not know whether my plans are good for you specifically either. But all I want to say now is that I want to be your mother. I hope you would want to be my child too. Until then, love.

-mom.