Here's our journey -
By: Rushabh Savla
Tags: First Post, Baby, Pregnancy

Here's our journey -

Rish had a scan at 36 weeks to which the consultant saw that Mihikaa was in the 10th percentile. (Standard for Asian babies). She then referred for Rish to be monitored twice a week for CTG scans & Doppler to see if Mihikaa is okay. The Gestational diabetes & Rish being petite were factors.

On the Saturday 17th 9am appointment, 23 minutes in they noticed bub's heart rate drop to 85bpm (normal is 110-160) for over 2 minutes. This happened once but not for that long.

Consultant was now going to get her monitored for longer. She was there thinking a few hours more & then she goes home, has a shower & chills out. Endless errands awaited her.

Nope! She was already having 10-15 minute contractions but she couldn't feel them. They decided its in her best interest to start the inducing process on Saturday night. But not before I decided date night takes precedent. Nandos ordered & delivered - we tucked into it until we couldn't eat anymore. We were just like teenagers, falling in love with fervent excitement!

She then had the balloon put in to start with dilation. That was pretty much all of Sunday as its kept for 24 hours. After which some of the contraction pain started. To really get the process going they decided to start the prostaglandin gel - it definitely wasn't fun.

Cue in Monday day and night- intense pain and cramping plus diarrhoea & vomiting. Not once did Rish complain or wince. Took it in her stride and focused on her breathing. To help I used Tens (yep the guy who swore it didn't work!) & helped with massages, being there & talking in sign languages.

What helped big time was the Bose speaker & a decent playlist of spiritual, jamming songs (Bob marley literally), burna boy, hip hop & some mellow tunes got us through the days. It played a useful role later on but let's continue...

✌= pain of the contraction (shut up Rush)

👌= pressure (manageable)

Speaking in sign language is the way forward. Trust me she doesn't want to hear you speak 😅

The fact that we had our own side room and toilet/bathroom as a result of rish's d&v was bonus 🤣 #win

Constant CTGs, banter with nurses & the sweetest of conversations preparing her for what lay ahead.

Families obviously worried and the regular breakfast, lunch and dinner drop off were so useful! Always grateful for family being close and having the support to lean on during these times. We would be nowhere without them. Their selflessness to stay by the phone, research and get us asking questions to each other, to the team but also allowing us a chance to reassure them was simply incredible. The true power of a family that has unity at the heart ❤

The room allowed me to sleep on a chair that had the leg recliner but uncomfortable as hell. Would curl up & get up everytime she felt ✌ or 👌

The most important bit I found here was allowing her to breathe, relaxing her with music or gentle massages, focusing on letting her control the tens and being physically close rather than on the chair. I did pick up a book about Rumi in Alexandria 1252 and instantly she started to yawn. Reading philosophy at a time of child birth may not have been ideal. I persevered. She slept.

It hit me in one instance when the words -

'How we see God is a direct reflection of how we see ourselves. If God brings to mind mostly fear and blame, it means there is too much fear and blame welled inside us. If we see God as full of love and compassion, so are we.'

I made it a point to exhude calm, relaxed & a positive vibe constantly reminding that surges rather contractions were the way to our new chapter. One surge closer to our child. ❣

Sleep was irrelevant. If she woke up or shuffled, I was one step ahead. If I saw the sheet move or the rustle of the bed, I sprang to my feet. Why? She was here to deliver our child. I was here to support. I never knew what it meant and how she felt, I did know that the sleep deprived state I was in she had it a hundred times worse. Exhude love, acceptance and gratitude I kept asking myself to dig deep for.

Monday got tough! 15 times in a space of 6 hours where we would be up and frequent visits to the loo, frequent changes of the inko sheets (yes lads be brave and just do it), numerous changes of the positions and keeping her as relaxed as possible. (Pillow between knees in the foetal position).

She really took that hit from the prostaglandin and at one point was feverish. Not once did she even cry out or wince. Power of a woman I thought I knew. How wrong was I!

The intensity of the pain came in waves, stronger, painful pressure curling the most beautiful woman in my life into her own trance like state. I only hoped this would end soon with a change of the dilation.

Something happened. A gush of fluid around midnight triggered a reaction- part joy & part concern. She wanted to be sure her waters broke finally!

It seemed like an eternity but the midwife - Irene came in, apologised for her delayed response. Who even does apologise in the NHS. With a calm reassuring voice mentioned after an examination that Rish was dilated enough to head down but the morning team would take her on.

Udi the beautiful charismatic African matriarch walked in & jumped to give us a jolt of energy! She gleamed to let us know she secured the best suite in the hospital for us with the best midwife Susan!

Who? What? Already? We just finished putting a meal down Rish. Her first meal in 3 days where she kept it down! Protein yoghurt, blueberries and blackberries. Staple for the gestational diabetics apparently?!

I was told to pack, I already had! Never have I been more organised than that day. I had everything squared away, two suitcases, one big holdall (sports direct bags), one backpack for me and the gymball.

A few more checks and then transferred down now that her surges were 3 strong surges (not contractions) in 10 minutes for over 5 hours.

Gyna kindly took one suitcase. I took the rest and walked beside my wife who insisted on walking. Tens machine fired up she started her waddle. By this stage its not glamorous its a sexy waddle. If she wasn't pregnant I'd take her to the zoo to show the penguins what she'd mastered.

As the pain took over, she would stop, breathe in for 4 seconds and out for 8. That became our mantra, in 4 out 8. Eyes closed. Reframing the pain... it was this pain that would allow us to witness the purest of joys in a few hours.

Walked into the quiet, cool & instantly welcomed by Susan. A mother of a daughter 10, instantly got Rish to have a shower. Sadly cold water and a trickle later we decided that wasn't the option to ease the surges. In classic stoic Rish ways she moved her focus back to her breathing.

Hooked up and listening to the CTG go off has always been surreal. Due to Covid I was never let in and never heard our baby's heart. It would ebb and flow like the waves hitting the shore, or the sound of the thousand gallops of horses running wild across the plains of a distant land. I was mesmerised.

My heart always jumped when I saw the numbers drop but realised it meant our little gymnast was dancing around & constantly need readjusting.

Just as we thought that would be enough for the dilation to happen naturally with the gym ball and movement & 4 point positions the contractions slowed.

2 in 10 minutes. Susan looked at the charts, called for fresh eyes & reviewed the charts and constant monitoring. This was a standard practice every few hours as Susan's job also involved starting at a blinking number screen for hours before any action happens. Made a mental note to remember that - the concept of having fresh eyes review situations for you with no judgement or berating. Just observing and guiding.

She made the call to the consultant who came down at 12pm only to rush out on another case and missed out on prescribing oxytocin. The synthetic baby inducer.

2 hours later she did manage to get her hooked but not before I saw a quiver in Rish's eyes. This time I saw she was scared as horror stories about oxytocin started to appear. The pain associated with it is something that most forget to mention.

Synthetic oxytocin is designed for one thing, faster surges & increase in labour intensity. Unlike natural oxytocin, it doesn't cross into the blood brain barrier so doesn't act like a pleasure drug. Quite the opposite.

This is when I stepped in & had to make her understand that although the baby wasn't at risk here, it was an important thing to consider. Reframing the concerns and getting the pain addressed was important.

She was offered epidural, pethidine, other pain relievers and gas & air.

She chose her gas and air. Her weapon of choice in hand, all hooked up. It came in pretty fast, the surges increased but her mantra stood fast.

Breathe naturally & await the surge picking up - start the gas/air combo & work her through the wave to ease off and come off it into regular calm breathing.

Music was always perfect. It matched her mood, I matched her mood & the world around us was on airplane mode. I literally left a message to her father saying I'd only contact after we were done. My wife needed me & I needed her.

In between gas and air I got the water filled and sips of water. Some lame jokes and having a life chat with Susan helped. Not sure if Rish was rolling her eyes or was in the trance but either way I continued.

Moments like this some go quiet, some get excited, some scream and swear, most ask for painkillers. According to Susan, my wife belonged to a handful of women that could mentally tap away from pain.

This superwoman I married did exactly that. She just did her hypnobirthing. We found this to be the single biggest game changer for those 3am surges, the worst of the pain & allowing her body to relax was essential. It sometimes meant I'd physically drop her shoulders, massaged her arms or feet. Just got her to breathe.

8 hours passed with increasing intensity, things were changing. The need for more gas & air meant she was getting the 4 surges now every 10 minutes.

Just then Susan had to end her shift and we felt a feeling of sadness. We almost became family there and you could see the reluctance of Susan as physically she needed to move out of the room.

She did however come across, give rish a squeeze on the shoulders and just wish her the best journey ahead 🙏🏽 gratitude towards her and her time with us was always evident in how Rish looked at her.

The handover was to midwife Jokey, literally her name. She was incredible too - allowed us to feel relaxed and explained that we would wait till 9.30 until we started the final stretch.

As the oxytocin titrated its way into Rish, she asked for water, better music than UK drill 🤣 and just got back to her trance.

At 9.04pm I saw the first wave of surge shake go through her body like a ripple effect. It was time.

Or was it?

She continued this for over 90 minutes well into 10.30pm! She pushed when her pain increased. Nothing would distract her, not even the fact that we could always take something for the pain.

Surges started happening & medical stirrups went up. We tried a few positions but according to Jokey the head was sitting low. Lower than the spinal cord which apparently was a good thing.

Dilation required 1 more cm before we could get the final green light for the push.

She stated pushing when Jokey gave us the green light and oh boy did we have to really get vocal.

I was the cheerleader with words of encouragement like a parent, then turned nasty and I might as well been in the gym asking Rish to deadlift 200kg whilst snorting on chalk powder!

Push! Come on bub! Longer! You can do this! We can see things changing! Keep pushing! Make noises (don't be ashmed)

She would push to see the head ever so slightly. Call bell rung & obstetrician walks in the most reassuring voice. Asks to okay an episiotomy - a tear. To help baby's head come through, the rest would follow.

The uterine muscles had contracted so hard it would also pull baby back slightly...

She agreed and Jokey made the snip. Here it gets graphic. I'm happy to skip this in this journal entry. I was pretty calm because exhuding positive vibes was my role.

She tried 4 more times and then we suddenly saw it appear with its crown. Just the crown. 14 hours and 52 minutes.... of interest labour coming to this moment.

Rish had to push 3 times before anything happened. Now we knew the muscles were getting tired. Water sips, accepting the pain.

This I was prepared for! Autopilot for me kicked in & never once did I feel outta place.

Drill Sergeant Rush reporting for duty. Wait let her take her hit, gas &air for 10 seconds and then watch her flow.

I demanded she scream and really go at it. So anything after this was just a slight scream still. She was too focused on her meditation. Apparently screaming doesn't help! Who knew! I just heard the lady next door scream the place down & assumed that's the way.

Suddenly everything happened, she started showing the crown & the neck... woah this was happening. Hold on.. what's that cord around her neck?!!

This sent them into a calm twist, turn, dive and pull maneuver to just unwrap her from it. A bit of pushing and then stop.

One clean swoop took baby out and wow! Celebrations euphoria & pure awe! Just before the last push we made a bet between the 3 of us, boy (Jokey), girl (me), girl (rish), consultant didn't choose.

A quick show and there she was... I whispered her name in a single breath.

Mihikaa 🙏🏽🎉

A name we had decided on. One saved for a boy and one for a girl.

Mihikaa to us means a dew drop - sustenance of life 💕

Forever humble yet powerful to nourish anything. To bring life...

The drop merges into the ocean, but few know that the ocean merges into a single drop.

"Oh beloved, seeking and searching the seeker is lost. And the ocean has fallen into the *dewdrop* ; now it is impossible to find it." - Kabir

Back to this human ... words can't do it justice. That one moment changed my everything.

The cry! It pierced me with a thousand arrows that made me euphoric!

She was here. Our daughter was here. 🎉

It only made sense. My daily morning Sadhguru message was simple - 'if you constantly see how to stretch your physical, mental, emotional and perception limitations, your life is one big adventure.'

Mum and Mihikaa bonded whilst I was took it in. Wiping the tears across my face I reached out to wrap her little fingers in mine as she lay on my warrior of a wife. Shakti.

I realised right away I kept playing Jaago Bhairavi towards her final pushes. Is this the strength we always have... is this the direct reflection of God's will.

Come awake, O Bhairavi!

Come awake in my heart.

The wind is blowing,

The water is rough.

O mother,

Hold my hand and take me across.

I am,

But an ignorant child of yours.

I have no knowledge.

I know no devotion.

I surrender to you,

All that I am.

That you may simply

Allow me to sit at your feet.

The raw cuts & emotions I felt for all those days and months and year of losing a child... they healed. Absolved in the vastness of ecstasy.

My Mihikaa was here... My Devi was here...

Devi, the ultimate manifestation of the Mother Goddess, represents the creative and nurturing aspects of the universe. She is powerful and all-encompassing, the ultimate Giver.

An invocation to Devi Bhairavi, this song is a plea for Devi to come awake in one’s heart and to take one across the ocean of life. It expresses the longing of the devotee to surrender at her feet.

And so I did! Prayed to the beautiful child of mine. To nurture as best as I can.

For 3 hours or more we just laughed, cuddled, explored her little toes and hands! Never once leaving her side. The checks all done.

Focus back on Rish, stitched up with injections of local anaesthetic, wincing in pain but being so brave! She held Mihikaa on her whilst getting through the tough job of getting stitched up.

Unbelievable. We then gingerly got the bed down and she walked slowly. If earlier it was a waddle, this was a crawl but with no intention of hurrying. Heck it was 1am! Or 2am! No one to bother us - we just ended up talking!

Helping her in the shower and then she felt lightheaded so wheeled her up to her room.

This is where it got tough! I was to say goodbye to my girls as they settled for the night.

I parted ways with the heaviest of hearts but knowing I'd be with them for life soon enough.

Little did I know I was going to be tested. Mihikaa was latching but not suckling, she (Rish) tried everything but struggled. We ended up using our packed up pre expressed colostrum which I remembered and got the nurse to hand it to me.

She instantly lapped that up. It turned out Mihikaa had jaundice (slightly) & would need to be monitored. She did also have a lower heart rate but that bounced back.

Its been the toughest few days for Rish having no support, 3 hour visits from her mother on day one, 3 hour visit from me on day two, 3 hour visit from her mother on day 3.

Its been tougher for my anxiety, I became very reserved and wanted to desperately get Mihikaa out. Googling, reading and trying to work a solution. Any solution to get them home.

I returned after seeing her and realised what am I doing. Mihikaa is stronger than everyone.. she would be fine with her warrior of a mother.

As I finish this journal entry I know two things... there is a streak of steel in every child, we need not fret for we do not understand. There is a gate that is opened in the heart of love, a flame lit by your child on its arrival, walk through that gate 💓🙏🏽