The Older I Grow, The Angrier I Become
By: Christie Li
Tags: Self Improvement, Life Lessons, Life, Advice, Mental Health

The Older I Grow, The Angrier I Become

What we don’t talk about often enough

Photo by Chinh Le Duc on Unsplash

For a long time, I believe that the world is projected in a way that makes people subtly angry.

I was an angry person deeply.

I am an angry person, to be exact. Because, until this day, there are just so many problems that exist in life, yet so little that I can do to make a change.

Nothing seems fine, and I am angry about a wide range of things.

For a long time, I thought that I am the only one who is constantly angry deep inside, that no one else seems to be struggling with the same things as I am.

But then, I realized that I was never the only one. In fact, most people struggled through similar problems as well, and it is one of the few things that people don’t talk about enough.

More importantly, the reason for my anger is all about my perception of the world.

My family

Family is one of the top reasons why I find myself profoundly upset. I always believed family intimacy is one of the few things that can either develop perfectly well together in harmony or end up catastrophically.

I was a single child in my family. Growing up, my dad hasn’t had the best personality to get along with. My mom is better, and I get along with her just fine. Yet, we still contradict a lot on so many levels and there are so many things in them that never “make sense” to me.

Countless tears, arguments, broken hearts.

“It’s okay, I’ll get over it, it’s just the way it is” is one of the things that I constantly say to myself whenever a situation is foisted upon me.

I do get over it eventually. However, what I didn’t realize is that all I’m doing is suppressing my anger even deeper each time. Worst of all, normalizing the problem is usually the way-to-go because no one in the family seems to ever show their emotions as well.

Though I hate to admit this, my anger only gets greater when I realize that the “perfect” family does exist.

The fact that my boyfriend’s family will decorate Christmas together every year. The fact that my boyfriend’s family will have movie nights together. The fact that I never have this level of intimacy with my family ever. The fact that I sense jealousy when I saw the bond they have as a family.

My social life

Friendship is another major reason that upsets me. Though I never admit this to anyone else, deep down I know I look for intimate companionships to compensate for my broken family.

Unfortunately, as desperate as I am to search for an intimate friendship, the disappointment only made me angrier.

Loneliness, betrayal, desperation.

Angry at how hard it is to find a soulmate. Angry at how toxic gossips and dramas exist. Angry at how some people are just always lucky enough to never struggle through these issues growing up.

Moreover, I am angry at how I am always the one who struggles through all the difficult parts of life.

Although these issues become less prominent as my year group matures and I diversify my groups of friends, I am still angry because the problems have never been solved.

They were only forgotten.

As time passes, the more helpless I feel in making a change about it.

Schooling

Some people will describe that “school is like a second home” because technically, students spend more time in school than at home for their first 18 years of life.

Unfortunately, my schooling experience, specifically high school, was a huge disappointment to me.

The fact that all the good teachers who used to teach me left, and I ended up with the shit*y ones; the fact that I paid so much tuition fee only to realize that staying at home to study was at least ten times more efficient than traveling back to school.

I only got angrier growing up when I realized the quality of education doesn’t meet my standard, and the only solution I had is to rely on myself.