I Thought My Dad Was Calling Me A Lousy Mother
By: Katharine Chan, Msc, Bsc
Tags: Father And Daughter, Relationships, Relationship Building, Family, Parenting

Earlier this year, I was picking my daughter up from my parents. My dad casually asked me what I was having for dinner that night. I told him that my husband made beef brisket.

He then scolded me,

“You guys eat too much beef. It is not good for you. She (points to my daughter) needs to eat more vegetables. It’s better for her. I will make sure she eats vegetables at my house.”

OK, so I didn’t yell at him (I really wanted to but I didn’t.) However, I firmly corrected him and defended myself,

“We are also having vegetables. We just happened to make a beef dish tonight. I make tofu and fish dishes all the time.”

He shrugged (obviously, not validating my feelings or showing he understood). Then I left and went home to vent to my husband, going over all the assumptions my dad had made about me.

First, he criticized my family’s diet even though I have a Graduate degree in Health Sciences, certified in nutrition, worked in healthcare for over a decade, struggled with a past eating disorder, all of which he is aware of.

Next, he judged my ability to take care of my daughter, making assumptions that I am a lousy mother for feeding her beef.

Lastly, he compared his parenting abilities against mine by saying he is more capable because he feeds vegetables to my child (as though I do not…scoff).

So yes, I was frustrated and didn’t know what to say to him. But with these kinds of moments, I tend to forget and those feelings get buried somewhere, festering like a canker sore that never heals.

I should have asked myself,

“What else do I need to know about him so I understand why he said that to me?”

But I didn’t… until a month later.

We were having a family dinner at a restaurant. We were trying to decide whether to order a chicken or beef dish. I wanted beef. Then my dad makes an overarching blanket statement,

“Historically, our family doesn’t much beef.”

I was in a better mood this time (maybe it was that blissful time after my period). I also had my husband and sister around the table. This was my opportunity to get to know him better, to get some closure on that annoying comment.

So I asked,

“Really? I didn’t know that. What family history? What’s the story behind that?”

My dad goes into storytelling mode.

My dad’s dad (my grandpa) was raised on a farm. My grandpa felt that because the cows worked so hard every day that it was cruel to eat them. He didn’t have the heart (or the stomach) to consume such a dedicated animal. And that’s how my dad was raised. He didn’t eat a lot of beef.

Ah, so that makes more sense as to why my dad made that comment a month earlier. He wasn’t judging me as a mother. He wasn’t comparing his parenting capabilities to mine. He was merely trying to instill his own family values around eating beef to his granddaughter.

I always knew he was traditional so this further validates what I know about him, shrinking that canker sore. And knowing his context allowed me to empathize with my father's mindset, getting to know him, and slowly emulsifying our relationship.