How To Boost Your Conversation Skills Without Changing a Word
By: Anthony J. Yeung
Tags: Self Improvement, Communication, Life Lessons, Personal Development, Conversations

Fact: The words you say are actually a tiny part of any conversation. While people tend to focus on what to say or what questions to ask, 70 to 93% of communication is non-verbal, conveyed through body language, vocal tone, and more.

That’s why, by making just a few non-verbal changes, you can revolutionize your conversations without memorizing a single line, script, or word.

Here are five tips that make a huge impact regardless of the situation or how shy or introverted you are.

1. Overact With Strangers

Imagine telling a random stranger, “It’s a beautiful day,” in a monotone voice with a dreary expression on your face.

Now, imagine saying the same thing with a cheery voice and a smile.

Big difference.

When you start a conversation with someone new, they aren’t closely listening to what you’re saying; they’re actually watching your vibe, energy, personality, and more. Are you dangerous? Friendly? Creepy? Happy?

The truth is your overall vibe and energy are far more important than what you actually say.

But since they don’t know you, there’s no knowledge of your behaviors or mannerisms. For example, when you’re with your friends, you could slightly lift one eyebrow and everyone would know how you feel; but with a stranger, that context doesn’t exist.

That’s why you should “overact” with strangers to make your intentions clear and be understood by them.

How To Do It:

Exaggerate everything slightly. It might seem weird or unnatural to you, but to a complete stranger, it’ll feel normal. (Otherwise, you’ll seem deadpan even though you don’t feel like it.)

This is more important than ever in our post-COVID-19 world because many conversations are now through videos or phones. These mediums strip so much from an in-person interaction so you have to overact to convey all your emotions and subtleties clearly.

Here are two simple tips to do this:

First, when you start a conversation, always have a little more energy than the other person. Turn up your vibe so it’s slightly higher than theirs — that way, you have enough enthusiasm, energy, and passion to elevate them and draw them in without going overboard (i.e. having way too much energy compared to the other person).

Second, add more tonality to your voice, add more feeling to what you say, and be more animated. (ex. saying “I love this place! vs “I love this place…”) Use your hands. Use your body. Even better, by doing this, you’ll seem more authentic because it looks like you actually care about what you’re saying.

2. Enhance Your Speaking Voice

Few people focus on how they sound.

They work so hard to say the perfect lines and ask the perfect questions (and have the perfect wardrobe), but when they talk, they get ignored and get poor reactions.

Whether a person has a nasal voice, a vocal fry, or a high rising terminal (where you end sentences with an upward inflection so they sound like questions), it can convey low confidence, a lack of intelligence, arrogance, or even boredom — and they don’t even know they’re doing it.

But improving your voice will transform your words like nothing else: It will make any boring sentence sound more confident, attractive, powerful, and genuine.

If you sound warm and inviting, people will want to be around you.

How To Do It:

Great speaking voices start with good breathing and good posture.

When you inhale deeply, do you lift your shoulders upward, or do your shoulders stay level as you expand with your rib cage and belly?

If you lift your shoulders, do an exercise called crocodile breathing: Lay on the ground on your belly, put your hands by your forehead, and breathe while feeling your belly push against the ground with every inhale. (It’ll feel unusual, but it’s actually our natural way of breathing. Do this for two weeks and your body will eventually breathe this way normally.)

Next, improve your pitch and volume. A common issue for men, for example, is they force their voices lower and louder to sound more “manly” — but a low and loud voice isn’t necessarily masculine. (Speaking louder doesn’t instantly “fix” your voice either.)

Instead, speak at your natural pitch. When you talk, it should feel like the sound is coming straight through your lips.

Also, breathe before you speak so you have enough air to carry you through. It sounds obvious, but many people skip this step and just start talking; by the end of their sentences, it sounds like they’re running out of air.

Keep practicing. You’ll know you’re doing it correctly when people regularly — and randomly — tell you that you have a good voice.

3. Commit 100% To The Conversation

People often start conversations weakly: They sound timid, scared, and hesitant, talking with their body facing away or while looking at their phone.

They might even blurt out a conversation starter they memorized — but they’ll still struggle.

The problem is, when you’re timid or hesitant, people will not want to lead the interaction. Worse, because the conversation started so poorly, it has no momentum and it will most likely fizzle out.

This often happens when you’re afraid to put yourself out there and you “play it safe.” By not committing 100%, you protect your ego and avoid getting outright rejected. Some people even teach you to act “cool,” angle your body away, and spread your arms and legs wide so it seems you don’t care (and are an “alpha”). But no one’s going to talk to you like that.

Instead, start a conversation strong like you’re trying to break a wooden board in karate: If you commit fully, you’ll succeed; if you have doubts, you’ll fail.

How To Do It:

Go all-in and put your full attention and energy behind your words. Make it crystal clear you are starting a conversation. Commit to talking to them. This shows massive confidence and lets the other person know your intentions.

Here are suggestions on how to do it:

Point the middle of your body towards the person when you talk

Maintain solid eye contact

Speak at a good, audible volume

Don’t pull out your phone or try to distract yourself

4. Assume The Conversation

What’s the best way to have a conversation with someone you don’t know?

Just act like you know them.

Often, people start shyly, asking about superficial things until they feel comfortable. But again, that leads to hesitant conversations with a weak vibe.

Instead, talk to them like you already know them. Act as if the conversation is already going on. Assume you guys are already friends. How would you talk to them?

How To Do It:

Rather than starting at the beginning of a conversation, just start in the middle of it. You don’t have to say anything differently; just cut out some lines.

Sometimes, when I’m in line at a coffee shop, I’ll just turn and ask someone, “So what are you getting?” (My tone of voice assuming we already know each other and that they’ll tell me the answer.)

The best conversations I’ve ever had with strangers usually start when I just assume we’re already friends. The other person feels an instant connection and we build from there.

5. Embrace Awkward Silences

Whether it’s a business meeting, a networking event, or a first date, there will be lulls in any new conversation.

But when it happens, don’t look away, pull out your cellphone, talk to someone else, etc. Once you lose a connection with someone you just met, it’s hard to regain it.

Instead, stay engaged and embrace the silence.

How To Do It:

No matter how good your lines are, silence is inevitable.

But don’t fight it; show that you’re okay with it and they’ll be okay with it too.

Maintain eye contact. Smile. Relax. Be comfortable with the silence. (After all, they might be nervous too.) Maybe they’ll say something to break the silence and you can go from there. If not, you can say something — anything.

Use these five tips and you’ll see your conversations transform without having to say anything new.