My journey with isolation and depression
By: Mimi Toya
Tags: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Mental Health, Isolation, Anxiety

My name is Mimi Toya Cole, I am 34 years old and I suffer from mental illness. More specifically, I suffer from major depression, bipolar disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder. It’s a handful.

I enjoy writing, or journalling really, it’s very therapeutic and I find it a helpful tool for when I’m feeling anxious or depressed or lost. Traditionally I write with a pen and paper but I wanted to give blogging a try, so here I am.

I have a story and a message that I want to share with you. This is me reaching out for something — to make a connection. This is my way of trying to address my own feelings of isolation. I do feel alone. And when I do have the opportunity to talk to people I find I have nothing to say. I feel like I have very little to offer anyone at the moment. I’ve become overweight and unhealthy. I have developed pimples. I feel like I’ve made too many mistakes in my life. I’ve made bad choices that have brought me to where I am today, which is an unhappy place.

“Depression makes you isolated. It’s very hard to think of other people when you’re wrapped in a prickly blanket of sadness and all you can think about is your own pain.” — neurolove.me

I feel guilt for being sad all the time and not finding the courage to do things. I miss my son. He lives with his father. I see him for short visits sporadically. Yesterday I wanted to have him for a sleepover but then he called me to tell me that he didn’t want to stay with me. It broke my heart. I miss him so much and we used to be so close, I’d give anything to have that back. Those are days that I dearly miss. I love him more than anything. The sadness I have inside from not having that relationship with my son anymore is crippling. I don’t know how to deal with it. I just cry.

My depression and anxiety cripple me and make it difficult to function. Every day is a battle, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. I swear, things cannot go on like this. I want change, I want a different life view. As they say: nothing changes if we don’t do anything differently.

Something that I have wanted to share with the world for a long time is that I had a long battle with addiction. It’s something that really tarnishes you. When people find out you struggle with substance abuse you are labeled, judged and punished. I never could understand that. Addiction is an illness, why would you punish someone for being unwell? People do though, as I found that out. But addiction doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t change who you are. And I know plenty of assholes that have never used drugs. That’s the paradox.

If you are depressed and maybe feel a bit like I do I want you to know that you are not alone. You have value and you have a voice that is worth listening to. Writing about your feelings helps, I would definitely recommend it. I don’t know if Medium is the best medium for what I want to achieve, but it’s doing well so far.

I’m not sure how well I’m telling my story so far. Maybe I’m just looking for an outlet, something to help ease the pain. Maybe this is it.