Drumpf Pleads No Contest
By: Phillip T Stephens
Tags: Satire, Fundraising, Humor, Impeachment, Donald Trump

Drumpf Pleads No Contest

”It’s never a contest when you take me on”

An hour after his lawyers finished what observers called a professional and restrained Senate presentation, Drumpf demolished the good will they established. As he dashed across the White House lawn hoping to escape reporters and Tweet instead, a reporter asked if he would consider a plea of nolo contendre.

“I don’t speak foreign,” Drumpf replied. When informed that the phrase meant ‘no contest,’ Drumpf swore, “M ** F ** king right ‘no contest.’ It’s never a contest when you take me on, and Shifty Schiff and any member of my party who thinks about any vote that doesn’t make me look good better know it.”

“My lawyers are the world’s foremost Constitutional experts mind you, these are the men who our founding fathers consulted when they wrote the Constitution.”

Drumpf then pulled a photo from his pocket, unfolded it and displayed it to reporters. “You want witnesses? This is my witness and nobody’s going to argue with him.” The photo was an 8x10 glossy of Jesus holding up a signed photo of Drumpf. “This is the real deal. Unlike the fake news, I don’t need Photoshop. So when the Devil Worshipping Dems tell you there’s more evidence coming. They’re right. Evidence for acquitting.”

Character witness Jesus with Drumpf’s signed photo.

The embattled President turned to dash to Marine One, which would whisk him to the nearest McDonalds, when he turned back and shouted over the rotors. “You remember what my defense team said, and my lawyers are the world’s foremost Constitutional experts mind you, these are the men who our founding fathers consulted when they wrote the Constitution not losers like Thomas Jefferson, who was a real libtard, by the way, I mean history books don’t tell you but he grabbed his female slaves’ pussies. I would never treat a woman like that. Unless she was being a real bitch, but I’m the President and as my lawyers said, Article 2 grants me unlimited powers. Even pussy grabbing.”

Speaking over rotors and dozens of reporters clamoring to ask questions, Drumpf announced, “You know how I said I could shoot a man in Central Park and get away with it? Well under Article 2 I could walk into the Senate chambers on Monday, gun down Shifty Schiff and his entire shifty shit team then walk over to the house and do the same to Not-So-Nice Nancy and losers like Egghead Elijah Cummings and Jivin’ John Conyers and they couldn’t even indict me, much less impeach me. I could fire Congress, declare martial law and replace the Constitution with something I wrote in a Tweet and Article 2 gives me the power to do it. The only way you could stop me is to vote me out of office, but according to Article 2 I can suspend elections and make myself President for life and it’s all Constitutional. You can’t do f — k all about it. So you better think twice when you cross me after I’m acquitted, because the Constitution makes it clear it’s no contest.”

Email the White House claims means Drumpf can’t be impeached.

Speaking over rotors, dozens of reporters clamoring to ask questions, and his own staff begging him to stop talking and board Marine One Drumpf added, “We have emails between George Washington and Thomas Jefferson that prove impeachment wasn’t intended for Presidents. Those are the documents Shitface Schiff should be asking for. It even makes it clear the so called emoluments clause is fake news.” He fold and returned the photo of Jesus to his pocket and added, “Do you know how I got this picture of Jesus? He asked me for my own picture and do you know why? He said it’s because I’m the father he never had, think about that. And if you don’t believe me, you can find me painted on the Sistine Chapel.”

I could walk into the Senate chambers on Monday, gun down Shifty Schiff and his entire shifty shit team…and they couldn’t even indict me, much less impeach me.

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Drumpf sells his defense to supporters. Literally.

Before he could embarrass himself further, or so observers believed, Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo lifted Drumpf onto Marine One with a forklift for transport to McDonalds and then on to a dinner at Mar-A-Lago where he would raise funds for his legal defense with a three hour non-stop stand up Poledy™ routine and the unveiling of the recently discovered Michelangelo portrait of Drumpf and the Senate underneath the portrait of God and Adam in the Sistine Chapel.

During his Poledy™, Drumpf told his audience his lawyers had reached a deal worth millions with Republican Senators to not have witnesses at his trial. “It’s a great deal, and totally legal,” he said. “When I asked my legal team about it they didn’t say, ‘no.’ Everyone should have lawyers like that. The good part is, if I don’t have to testify I won’t have to plead the fifth and none of us want to open that can of worm turds.” He winked and the line received the most applause of the evening.

Donors, referred to during the dinner as investors, were told that in addition to their $300,000 dinner they would have the opportunity to buy an heirloom quality signed numbered limited edition Drumpf Defense Box, which donors could purchase for one million dollars they could write off on their taxes. The box would include an “authentic original reproduction of Drumpf’s portrait in the Sistine Chapel, an authentic reproduction of the authentic reproduction of Jesus holding a signed photo of Drumpf, the recently discovered impeachment emails between Jefferson and Washington as well as reproductions of the Nobel Prize he was screwed out of and the gold medal he won for superior athletic monetary contributions at the 2018 Olympics.”

In addition to the limited edition box, ordinary supporters can contribute to Drumpf’s defense by buying the unlimited but just as good version for $10,000.

“If I don’t have to testify I won’t have to plead the fifth and none of us want to open that can of worm turds.”

Tax deductable Drumpf defense box manufactured at taxpayer expense.

After the fundraiser, the White House announced the Department of Commerce has awarded a trademark to the word “Poledy,™” a combination of “politics” and “comedy” dreamed up by Drumpf during a rally two nights earlier and reused in a later Tweet that said, “Congress should TRADEMAK this word. It’s the best TRADMARKED word in the history of TRADEMARKD words.”

When contacted to comment on the story the White House denied that tax dollars were being spent to produce Drumpf’s Senate defense gift boxes. Grover Ling, Director of Strategic Communications, told The Haven the money is intended for his legal defense should he lose the election, “which means, since he’ll win, it’s free money to spend as he pleases.”

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