My Pornography Addiction & How I Recovered
By: Avi Kabani
Tags: Hope, Self Improvement, Addiction, Love, Anxiety

Please be aware that this article has descriptions of sexual content.

I remember being 11 years old when I first saw my very first pornography video on the internet. I was all alone and I knew it would be my secret. I remember the storyline of each video was based around guilt tripping women into having sex. Every week in a new video, the actor would act out a new disability so that women would feel bad and have sex with him.

In one extreme example, the main actor was wheelchair bound and ran himself and his wheelchair into a women’s car as she was backing up. She would “feel” bad and they would all try to figure out a solution to the problem. Of course… sex was always the answer. If she had sex with him then everything would be all good. No harm, no foul.

Each video was a new disability — being blind, a broken leg, hard of hearing, etc. and each time the actor would find himself in a situation to make a women “hurt” him so that he could justify asking for sex for her wrong doings.

Although these were actors, (I hope) this one dysfunctional dynamic would be the basis for my entire sexual education for the next 12 years. Still to this day I remember the scenes vividly. They have been imprinted on me.

The more pornography I watched, the more enticing it became. I could not stop. The way my mind and body became conditioned to the sexual acts on screen consumed me as a young teenager and a young adult. I was easily masturbating 4 or 5 times a day for 12 years. I grew dependent pornography. It became my drug.

Not only did my dependency on pornography increase but so did my dependency on people. I became codependent on friends and romantic interests to make me happy instead of discovering what makes me happy. I expected others to solve my challenges instead of taking the reins of life and solving challenges on my own. I became passive with life as it felt like all the energy was sucked out of my soul.

I remember I had 2 to 3 panic attacks each day for a full year when I was 18 years old because I was so wired from the dopamine highs that pornography gave me.

Pornography robbed me of my masculine energy. It robbed me of my sexual innocence. And more importantly, it robbed me of my self-worth. Each time I masturbated to high-speed internet pornography I was abusing myself to the core. How did I not see the effects it had on my life? How could I not feel what this was doing to my world? I was so unconscious and completely defeated.

Regular vanilla sex on a screen could no longer keep my erections or my attention. I searched for different forms of sexual expression that could keep me interested. The different genres and categories I found also consumed me. The second I got bored with one video, I would move on to the next and the next and the next. It was endless.

Would this be my sexual life now? No physical touch — no intimacy — no healthy sexual expression with a lover — all these things I so desperately craved. My sexual energy was tied to pixels on a screen. It felt like I couldn’t escape.

Recovery

I woke up one morning when I was 22 years old with a single thought that wouldn’t leave me alone. I didn’t know where this thought came from nor did I know what it wanted, but I knew I couldn’t ignore it. A question kept repeating itself over and over again:

“What am I doing?”

It was a strange thought. At first, I asked myself, “What is it I’m doing that I can’t understand?” I sensed the thought trying to pull me into its dense energy center.

When I finally gave myself permission to look at this question — and I mean truly look at it — I immediately experienced a deep shift in my body and mind. All of a sudden, the pain and suffering I’d suppressed since I was 11 years old caught up with me. It hit me like a tsunami wave, and it broke open every aspect of me.

This pain and suffering weren’t the result of usual life challenges or a single repressed past trauma. Instead, the pain and suffering were caused by the years of sexual dysfunction I’d experienced being addicted to pornography, the cultural programming of the male sexual psyche, and the exploitation of my own sexual energy by the media and society at large. I became aware that this had gone on since I was a child. It wasn’t just knowing. It was a deep seeing — a realization of the dangerous ways in which sexual energy is used today.

I remember that day feeling a deep sense of shame crawl over me. How could I have done this to myself?

Recovery Process

There where 3 key elements that assisted me in my recovery:

The 1st was making a conscious choice of wanting a better and deeper relationship with my sexual energy.

The 2nd was reconditioning my mind and body to no longer depend on pornography and ejaculations for pleasure.

The 3rd was finding my purpose in life.

I had to consistently remind myself of what I wanted from my sexual energy and from the gifts of sex. Did I want a surface and shallow relationship or did I want to create a relationship with sex that would inspire me and grow me into a more whole person? If you are recovering, always make sure that you are choosing to want a more conscious relationship with your sexual energy and sex. It will keep you grounded as you move through the recovery process.

The 2nd element was by far the most difficult. I had to abstain from ejaculating for months at a time so that my mind and body could readjust itself. The withdrawal effects were something I wouldn’t want anyone to ever go through. It was like withdrawing from a drug. I had cold sweats, flashbacks, temptations, and urges like you could not believe. With each wave of withdrawal there was also the regret and shame that I had to feel and deal with. The emotional toll was exhausting but I pushed through everyday reminding myself of the kind of relationship I wanted with myself and the value of me as a human being. You must resist from viewing and masturbating to any sexual content. You have to remember that healing from a pornography addiction is a one step forward two step backward process. You must manage your expectations. It is not linear.

The last part for me was to find a purpose and further ground myself in it so that when the triggers and the urges came back they would stand no chance. You find your purpose by finding what is meaningful to you. What do you value? What do you want to create? Who do you want the world to see you as? These questions would come in handy for me as I searched and searched. I read many books, went to different workshops and seminars, made new friends, and connected with people all over the world through different retreats. In many of these instances I was alone but that was good for me. I had to learn how to be alone because I was always trying to gain validation from others through my addiction.

Overtime I realized that my pain of being addicted to pornography turned into my purpose. That purpose is creating a deeper, healthier, and more conscious sexual culture for everyone. I can proudly say that is what I am still doing years later.

Sometimes the triggers and urges are still there but they have no more power over me. I have mastered that part of myself and that’s what I want for you.

You can find more of Avi’s writings on creating a healthier sexual culture on his Instagram page: avi_kabani