You can do as much good as you want and receive nothing in return.
Tags: Human Behavior, Obsessions, Advice, Greater Good, Love

When committing acts of kindness, it isn’t the smartest idea for your motive to be what you will reap after. Of course, it’s nice to think that your new friend will be kind to you like you were to them. But, don’t expect it. One concept that I struggled to fully understand when I was 17 was to give love without expecting it back.

The first time I fell in love, I realized that I also fell in love with the instant gratification of being praised and treated like a “princess”. These feelings are extremely flattering for someone to experience. It is an instant self-esteem booster (a department I was lacking in at that time).

In the beginning, I didn’t appreciate what I had completely. Or at least, I don’t think I did exactly what my significant other deserved. After reaching this epiphany, I became reliant on my significant other for approval and almost worshipped them in pity for my past of not appreciating them enough (in my eyes). I woke up every morning with a pit in my stomach, immediately checking our messages, attempting to ensure I was acting accordingly to be a good girlfriend and ‘perfect’ partner. But, this process beat down on me sooner than later and I didn’t feel like myself anymore. It seemed like all of my thoughts had been consumed by this obsessive behavior of being wanted and needed.

Eventually, I humbled myself down to reality. Fortunately I didn’t act so obsessive that it was hurting my partner, but it was hurting me. So, I took a step back and reevaluated who I was. I realized that I had to learn to give that love to him because I want to, not because I wanted him to say “I love you too” or anything along those lines.

This process was hard for me at that age. I felt frustrated. Why wasn’t he appreciating all of the things I was doing? I would then convince myself that I must have deserved better, as my mom would tell me. But, when I took a step back and meditated on it, I noticed that not only was I was putting the pressure on myself but I was putting an intense amount of pressure on him too. With my base intention of wanting to feel loved, I went out of control and forgot that we are only human. At that time, I only wanted constant reassurance that he loved me too. I was terrified to lose him.

These two feelings in a relationship: constant reassurance and a fear to lose your significant other can lead to disaster if you let them control you.

As cliché as it sounds, you need to learn to love yourself and develop your own foundation first. A majority of people do not learn this until they experience a situation where their limitations are tested and they are shown through their interaction with others on what they have to improve on, but you can save yourself some of the troubles of hurting yourself or others (because this is inevitable in life) if you dedicate time to sit down, shut off everything, and look within yourself.

Ask yourself who you are and what do you stand for…why? Then start thinking about all of the qualities you have to offer the world. Think about all of the memories you have that boosted your self-esteem. Do you find joy in speaking with others? Playing music? Reading? Playing a sport? How about when you helped that one kid in Home Depot find his mother? Or when you returned a missing jacket to the lost and found? Or maybe something as simple as smiling at someone else while walking? Think about all of the times where you felt free… the times where you felt free to do and feel whatever you wanted because you knew in your heart you were doing what made you happy.

Don’t forget those thoughts. If you focus on the good in yourself and the world around you, you will never remember those “bad times” or let them beat you down because they won’t have the energy to sustain. You’ll be too busy focusing on something that makes you genuinely happy instead of focusing on something that was temporary and was capable of fixing.

Make a moral foundation for yourself. Learn to love yourself in any way possible.

I learned to love my smile, my random and upbeat personality that I used to hide from others (because I thought they would think I was weird), my “nerd” tendencies, sporadic thinking, creativity, willingness to learn, curiosity, hair, skin… the list goes on. I learned to find little things I loved in between all of the hate I was pressured into feeling.

Nonetheless, begin to understand that no matter how many times you compliment others, pay for others meals, and donate to charities, you will never be guaranteed the same help back immediately. Learn to love to give. For me, I feel like the world has enough hatred in it, so the least we can do is help out in small ways.

Remember that we’re all human. The time I spent being obsessive because of my own fears taught me to value the moment and find beauty within the unknown. A lot of times in life you don’t know what’s going to come next and that can be anxiety-inducing, but if we give ourselves the respect to live and appreciate every moment, it can ease the tensions of a future we created onto ourselves.

Therefore, find your little goal and purpose to follow. When having an ultimate goal, and doing nice acts purely out of kindness, we take burden off from ourselves and the world around us.

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this was written in a series i wrote after turning 18 titled “the girl with the crooked nose”, which consists of pieces of advice i would tell my younger self. hope you enjoy. thank you for reading.