Coping with Being a Single Gay Man
By: Jajuan Moten
Tags: LGBTQ, Identity, Gay, Self-awareness, Personal Growth

Finding a significant other is truthfully not guaranteed for most gay men.

There are some gay men who do die alone, never having taken a partner. This is old news. Every gay who’s been around the block should have figured this all out for themselves by now. The question is, how do you cope with the alienating, lonely existence that is being a single gay man?

Most gay men deal with these feelings in unhealthy ways; self-medicating; having risky sex; etc. These unhealthy coping mechanisms can create a myriad of health problems, which only make the already depressing existence of being a single gay man that much more awful. I have found some better ways to cope with the pain of being single and lonely.

1. Get into a really time-consuming hobby that you are passionate about

This is probably some advice that you’ve heard before which is why I’m beginning here. If you haven’t done this already you’re really not doing yourself any favors. It helps to have a hobby you are passionate about because when your day slows down after work and you’re left to your own machinations, you’ll find yourself getting bored; of course! I’ve found that having a hobby to distract me is the best way to combat feelings of loneliness. It’s most important that this hobby is something creative because it gives you an avenue to express yourself and it busies your mind. You want to make sure this hobby is something you enjoy too, there’s no sense in starting this hobby if you don’t actually like it.

2. Make New Friends and Strengthen Old Friendships

The relationships we form in our lives are what end up mattering the most to us in any aspect. If you don’t already, it’s a great time to start valuing the people you do have in your life and welcoming new connections. Since, it’s clear that we don’t know when Prince Charming is going to show up, if he ever does, it’s best to accept what you have.

3. Change the narrative of what a fulfilling life would look like for you

You don’t have to rely on a romantic relationship to make you feel fulfilled in life. Plenty of people have lived fulfilling lives without one. The feelings of loneliness do not stop at the agreement to be in a committed relationship. Some relationships are filled with drama, infidelity, distrust, and abuse. People bring emotional and psychological baggage into relationships that they’re just truthfully not ready to get into. If you do get lucky enough to find someone to pursue a romantic relationship with, science says that being happy single is a good indicator that you’ll be happy committed as well.

4. Focus on yourself

Whatever does end up happening in your life, the best thing you can do for yourself is take make sure you’re taken care of in all areas of life. Spiritually, emotionally, financially, and physically. It is important that you always keep yourself at the forefront of your mind, you only have one life to live after all. Don’t waste it being less of what you’re capable of.

Know that you are not alone.

This is a issue that is widespread in our community, there are a lot of gay men who are single, despite actively looking for relationships, and it has nothing to do with them being less deserving of love. It’s hard to find relationships when our options are limited and our culture is hypersexualized. Relationships are hard to find in general and a lot of relationships don’t last because people are complicated and difficult to love. I’m not saying give up on finding love, but it may be a good idea to not make it as big of a priority in your life. Focus on yourself, hobbies, friends and family, communities, find a way to get your intimate needs met through other means. The truest form of love you will ever receive wont come from someone else, but from within you.

“And I’ve learned that we must look inside our hearts to find a world full of love like yours, like mine, like home.” — Charlie Smalls

References and Recommended Readings