Episode 4: homophobes aren’t homophobic they’re just really chilled out
Tags: Friends, Married At First Sight, Reality TV

It’s episode 4 and we’re all still standing. Well, I’m lying down. The weight of this show has effected my ability to be upright and it’s imperative I’m in a bed lest I fall asleep listening to the soothing sounds of Bryce’s gaslighting.

We’re promised a mile a minute content as they recap their last three episodes (hey, that’s my job!). Bryce forgets what episode 2 was about, and me too. I forgot my own first name once listening to this podcast it made me that detached from reality. Bryce talks about the fact that he’s a lizard person and an experiment of Elon Musk’s that’s gone terribly awry and that his actual name is X Æ A-12. Okay, he didn’t but it’s only a matter of time until the truth gets exposed. They go on for ages about how negative reviews help them climb the charts and Melissa instructs us all to turn it off. No thanks Melissa, I’ve got no self-respect left so this is all I have.

It’s me, every Monday morning, logging on.

We’re introduced to Jason! He’s there, in the room. He’s wearing a flatbrim baseball cap with the sticker still on and a stringlet. His shorts are frayed with stylish rips, his shoes are converse and his attitude stinks. I fabricated literally all of that last part but I’ve seen enough Jasons in my time to know that they’re the only people left in this country keeping Universal Store afloat and still listening to Deadmau5.

“I actually listen to Steve Aoki.”

Bryce says that he wants to focus on the relationship between the three of them, and then in the same breath says “but mainly me and Jason.” Melissa literally says she’s going to take a backseat this episode and I try to remember a time that Melissa has ever driven the bus (but she should! Into Bryce lol jokes). Jason and Bryce call it a “bromance” and I remind myself that these guys are in their mid-30s and still use terms like “bromance.” Bryce says there was some dickheads on the show (he’s so damn eloquent!!) and “we all know who they are” and finally Bryce is exercising some self-awareness. We do all know who they are, Bryce. Don’t we?

They say that they’re still friends with James and Cameron. And much like their namesake James Cameron the film director, these two are also a huge fucking disappointment. Bryce says he could tell Jason was a Queenslander and as a Queenslander I could to. Jason definitely frequented the Mono followed by Family followed by harassing women as they tried to get into a cab before spewing outside RGs calling everyone there the F-word. We know the sort Bryce. Bryce says he’s a bogan and he defines bogan as being “laid back and not caring” which is not how I remembered Bryce being, the image of his face turning the colour of a tomato as someone called him “Gonzo” like it’s grade 4. I remember how laid back Bryce was when he threw water across the room and also I distinctly remember a very cool extremely casual Bryce writing “LEAVE” and crossing it out and writing “STAY” in an effort to save the environment by not using a new piece of paper and not his own wife’s pride.

Jason calls himself “handsome, charming and attractive” and Bryce again calls himself “carefree”. I’m sorry, is this a 14 year old girls’ Tumblr? Is Bryce going to start hanging dreamcatchers from his window? How many times does this guy want to say he’s carefree like he’s about to buy a Combi van and give chlamydia to backpackers up and down the East Coast. Bryce thinks that owning a Jack Johnson album immediately makes you carefree and relaxed when it fact it means that you own a cafe on Burleigh with shit coffee and serves “brekky with the lot” on the menu.

Extremely cool and carefree Bryce being extremely cool and carefree.

Bryce and Jason talk with the vocabulary of a 12 year old, Melissa calls herself a doormat and then says that they should start a doormat line. I give her props for originality. Bryce asks Jason why they stayed friends on the experiment, I answer it for them “it’s because no one else likes you because you still go to techno festivals when you’re 35”. He answers something about how everyone else sucks and he likes loyalty, they keep talking and it’s basically just each other stroking each others’ egos with the personality of a blank piece of paper and I realise that these people find pepper spicy. Which, to be fair, pepper would be spicier than this podcast.

I’m trying to find any point of reference of which I could tell you guys what they’re saying but I’d rather read the Encyclopedia right now because it would be more interesting than listening to three self-confessed doormats talk around in circles about how good they are. They speak about the water throwing incident and Bryce says he wishes he threw a jug of water. The character development and self-reflection of this guy is astounding. He is remarkably good at inwardly looking at his behaviour and taking accountability for it. Wait, no — that was a different show I was listening to.

The Video is brought up. Here we go. Bryce says he doesn’t agree with what Jason said in it. A hero. Jason says he apologises for it, and Liss wants clarification if he’s apologising to Liam or the public. Jason says Liam and that the doesn’t give a fuck about what the public think — great, with that attitude you should definitely go on the nation’s number one rated TV show and show little remorse for any of your actions. Bellissimo, chef’s kiss, very sensible. Jason says he will be haunted by the double-glasses and backwards hat for many years to come and, woah, Jason is the Aldi Corey Worthington. Imagine that being your legacy.