To the one I (should) love (but couldn’t yet),
Tags: Letter, Journal, Diary

To the one I (should) love (but couldn’t yet),

Hi there. How is it going? It's been awhile since I reached out. My bad. I hope you are happy and well, and doing all these amazing things you've been wanting to do, like remember those late night talks we used to have? You shared your dreams, and aspirations, and goals in life? I hope you're working your way towards that. You know I always wish the best for you.

Anyway, I am reaching out to you again because I am not ok. But that's fine. That's how it always is with you and me, right? When things go to shit, I know I got you. And you got me too... sometimes.

Listen, I am in a really bad place right now and I need someone who would listen to me without any judgment. I know you’re that person ‘cos who else? You’re always there for me, sometimes it seems unfair on your part but we have established that already. That I only ever talk to you when I need to. Don’t get me wrong, I think I love you though. But maybe because I need to? Because I need you? Anyways, I am getting off track.

I am not ok. But again, it's fine. You know for sure that I'm used to this by now.

Lately, dark clouds have been ruling over my head again. I couldn’t sleep, my stomach is always in knots, and I get bad anxiety over stupid little things like which dark alley should I be taking tomorrow, which clothes am I gonna wear to hide my insecurities.

Every waking hours, my heart is heavy. Like pounds of carabao carcass was draped all over my chest the whole night I was asleep... or lack thereof. I feel like my heart is having a bad migraine, throbbing and pounding and I wish... I badly wish for it to just stop pulsating. I never wished so hard for a flat line.

I am in a very dark place. So dark that the void seem so bright. So dark that when I close my eyes, my pupils dilate because of the vibrance of dark ray illuminating from nothingness, that is my heart. I am in a very dark place that slowly, I am starting to lose my sight yet being blind doesn't seem too bad compare to what I'm feeling. This dark place is starting to comfort me again.

A lot has been on my plate for awhile now and I had enough of it that I'm on a binging and purging bender. What I've been doing to cope is drowning myself with work, alcohol, and more alcohol. Not a healthy way to cope up- one might say, but it what keeps me going. And that's what's important... right?

I am just so done at this point that I daydream of not waking up. And that brings me an odd sense of peace. That someday all this wouldn’t matter, that one day no one will remember me, that in time... all this will snap into oblivion. And that makes my heart leap, it is- once again, filled with hope.

I'm sorry this has been such a downer. But that's what it always is with me. A ball of fucking dark clouds, you say.

Hey, I also want to say I miss you.

I miss how your eyes doesn’t twinkle whenever you’re laughing at my dark humor. I miss the little twitch at the corner of your mouth whenever I say something that amuses you. I miss making you look like a doofus whenever I push you to do something that is out of your comfort zone like admitting your feelings and bringing down your walls for someone inconsistent and totally not down for you 100%… but it is what it is, yeah?

I miss our late night talks. I miss our breakdown session in the middle of the night when everyone’s asleep. I miss our 3AM writing manic phase, when our fingers couldn’t keep up at how fast our neurons are emitting information for the fiction we’re very into and end up having a lot of word skip and typographical errors.

I miss you. And I hope I'll learn to love you someday.

But right now, just please be here with me. Don’t leave me hanging like most of them did. I’m not really capable of loving yet. But I want to. So bad. So please bear my toxicity. I’ll make an effort to love myself. Soon. Someday. Hopefully.

Lovingly yours,

xxx