A Queer Black Pagan’s Perspective On The Resurrection Story
By: Deneishia Jacobpito
Tags: Self Improvement, Resurrection, LGBTQ, Racism, Relationships

Photo by Arturo Rey on Unsplash

Easter is one of two mandatory Christian holidays. It seems to me that if you only show up to church on Easter and Christmas, then you are still considered a practicing Christian. I usually take the mandatory Christian holidays to again drive home the reality that Christian holidays are merely a rebranding of the pagan originals. Evidence of the slick salesmanship of Christians to seal the deal on the transition from old gods to new.

The previous words may be evidence enough to the reader that this writer is indeed, not a Christian. However, on this high holy day of Christianity, under the uncertainty that comes from living during a pandemic, I seriously considered finding lamb’s blood to paint on my door in fear for my life as a first born child. I concluded that, since toilet paper was difficult to find, I may also be out of luck in the search for lamb’s blood.

In light of the apparent plague that we are living through, I decided to turn to the Bible in order to write this year’s Easter article. This quarantine experience has given people the chance to rest, self-reflect, spend more time on what is important, seek artistic expression outlets, learn new skills and embrace the glorious comfort of wearing pajamas all day.

Personally, I have started to get sick of being with my partner 24 hours a day and have started to focus on their most undesirable personality traits. The problem is, I live alone, I am the partner with the undesirable personality traits. I have also taken the time to rest, I have written, I have danced, I have sang, I have rekindled my passion for pajamas…and I’ve been angry. So angry, at everything. Angry every time an official has a news conference. Angry every time someone corrects me with information they know without honoring my knowledge and experience. I’ve avoided and tried to run from the call to heal my anger and repair this dysfunctional relationship I have with my government, and my fellow citizens. I’ve tried to run from the call to become the elder my communities need and to gain the tools to have the difficult discussions. The resurrection story provided a great place to begin.

The resurrection story

In Matthew chapter 28 the resurrection story begins with the two Marys going to the tomb to mourn their beloved son and friend. Surprised by an Earthquake, the sudden appearance of a confident angel dressed in white and full of swag tells them Jesus isn’t there. Of course, my humor kicks in and imagines a Tommy Chong voice that gives them the news in the style of their skit, “Dave’s not here man”…but I digress. The Angel immediately tells the women to go and tell everyone what they witnessed and experienced. In verse 7 he says, “Then go quickly and tell his disciples that he has risen from the dead, and indeed, he is going before you to Galilee. There you will see him. Listen, I have told you.”

There are two very familiar and quite frustrating things that happen when the women leave to tell their experience as they were instructed:

We still tell incomplete stories to save ourselves

The first thing that sparked my anger was the soldiers tell the chief priests and elders what happened and what they saw. The government gives them money to keep their mouths shut. They are all afraid of what the governor will say or do to them if he finds out. Out of fear they write an untruthful history completely skewed to cover themselves. In verse 13 they tell the guards, “You are to say, ‘His disciples came by night and stole him away while we were sleeping.’ If this comes to the governor’s ears, we will satisfy him and keep you secure.”

How often my trust in officials, and authority figures has been shattered because I have seen them choose the falsified version of events instead of opting to tell all sides of the story. There are too many examples of me reading the truth of an historical event after having been taught only one side of the story and believing the authenticity of that one sided story my entire childhood. I believed that no one could be trusted after finding out the truth.

On the other side of the coin, the fear of the soldiers and their willingness to accept the bribe and live in the lie is frustrating. How poor were the soldiers, and what would have been the consequences had they refused the money and decided to tell others the truth about what they witnessed? Were they afraid of losing their jobs, their homes, or even their lives? How often have our relationships with family members, coworkers, friends, or romantic partners been destroyed because of things we went along with and things we did not say.

Usually we do not have difficult discussions because we are afraid of making the other person angry, we are afraid of hurting the person’s feelings, being seen in a negative light, or losing the relationship all together. Out of fear, we sit in the knowledge of the truth, and accept the feeling of isolation and alienation because we are the only ones who know what’s going on but fear and doubt wreak havoc on our emotional and mental state while we keep the truth about what happened and how we are feeling to ourselves.

We still do not believe the victim

The second disturbing issue came when the Marys ran to the disciples and told them that Jesus had risen and they did not believe them. These men were mourning and weeping when Mary Magdalene told them the truth. In Mark chapter 16 verse 11 the Bible says, “When they heard that he was alive and had been seen by her, they did not believe it.” My reaction was that of anger and snark because, of course they did not believe the woman. Especially the woman who had been possessed by seven demons, was walking with them every day, taking care of them every day, was witness to the same spirit that was Jesus and had been their constant companion (Read that last statement with sarcasm). How often in the modern world do we not believe the witness or the victim, even if we know them and have no reason not to trust them?

This reminded me of conversations I’ve had in recent months about mistreatment of large groups of Americans at the hands of the government. I am a member of many marginalized communities as a queer, non-Christian, multi-racial woman of color. These issues have been well known in my communities, but that news has not seemed to filter out to the greater population until recently. Issues like redlining practices in various financial service industries such as mortgages, student loans, credit cards, and insurance company policies. Issues such as the school to prison pipeline, voter suppression, and the rape kit backlog. Medical care inequities, intentional lack of investigations into thousands of missing person cases. These issues are not new to me because, marginalized people freely and openly speak about these issues in our communities, outside of the earshot of the majority.

Our trust is constantly destroyed when press conferences say one thing, but eye witness and personal experience are evidence to the contrary. Much like the soldiers, most people allow the majority to believe the rewritten version of events because we do not trust that we will be believed, we do not trust that we will be safe, and we are avoiding the inevitable phrases such as, “there is no evidence of that”, or “show me the research”. I get so exhausted over the anticipated confrontation that I either do not speak up, I will flat out lie, or I will get extremely angry and attack everyone within earshot in an attempt to hold them accountable for the system’s unfair treatment and lack of human decency.

Repeating old patterns

The fact that the resurrection story is riddled with situations that consistently still occur thousands of years later, is disheartening. I am reminded of Ecclesiastes chapter 1 verse 9,

“What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun.”

I wonder if there is no hope to change how the government functions, no hope in changing how people relate to each other, if there is no hope in ceasing the suffering and leveling the inequities that cause the suffering. Proverbs chapter 29 talks about the types of leaders that make room for others to thrive and, specifically, chapter 7 states that, “A righteous man knows the rights of the poor; a wicked man does not understand such knowledge.”

The responsibilities of the “righteous” in this reference refer to the self education and act of seeking out information on the part of the righteous. We must know what befalls those who suffer not just by visual evidence or “official reports” of the disparity, but by seeking out information regarding how the laws are actually executed in difference to the poor that may be different than those the “righteous” live under.

I have found that I must be held accountable to seek out the information that is not fed to me through “normal” channels. I must seek out that which is only said among the suffering. The Jews told the story of the soldiers, the soldiers and governors did not. Those who only listened to the soldiers and governors were only told the story the governors wanted them to hear. The media, either left or right focused, tell the version of the story of the sufferer that serves them best, but what would the sufferer say to their spouse, child, or sibling that they would never say outside of the safety of that intimate counsel?

Build healthy relationships

“Where there is a mature relationship between people, there is always compassion and forgiveness.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

The Covid-19 quarantine has us all spending more time speaking to each other about difficult topics, including racial injustice. I have found it difficult to engage in this topic with White people without becoming angry. First, a friend and I had a heated argument about my responses to her about race. Although I wanted to write off my anger and short temper to the strain of social isolation, reflection revealed that my anger is rooted in a much deeper place. It is rooted in my lack of trust in our government and the continual suppression of my experience as a marginalized member of this society. Specifically, the silencing or discreditation of my voice. I don’t actually trust others and I anticipate that every conversation with a White person about race, or a Christian person about religion, will be confrontational. So I respond immediately on the defensive in anticipation of conflict.

Because I can only control myself, I often turn to books that help me to navigate these complex relationships in a better way. In Trust Works! By Ken Blanchard, Cynthia Olmstead, and Martha Lawrence, the authors provide information on how to repair and rebuild trust by using various stories as examples. The first step to healing a broken trust relationship is to recognize that truth is a matter of perspective. The example they use is a cat who believes a young puppy is hurting him on purpose and the puppy believing he was defending himself against the cat. The truth was, the incident was an accident and neither was actually the aggressor or defender. The authors present an initial step to rebuilding trust as first, both parties are required to show that they are “able” to be trusted. All individuals in a relationship need to be conscious and compassionate around the fact that they are not working with the same perspective or the same information.

So many now are being drawn to pagan practices and embracing the old ways of holistic healing and plant medicine. They are embracing their empathy and ability to give and receive energy from the earth, the plants, the animals, and other humans. They are learning the vocabulary around spiritual frequencies and vibrations. And at first, this annoyed me just as much as people only now waking up to the governmental system inequities. I felt like, “Where ya been!? We’ve been talking about this for generations! Don’t act like it’s important to you now that you’ve ignored us all this time!” And now, I recognize that reaction is part of my anger and trust issues. I embrace that working on my trust issues will give me more control over my anger issues, and consequently give me the opportunity to reach my love for the people I’m angry at. I must develop compassion and forgiveness for myself in order to establish boundaries and make space for me to have the difficult conversations. I must also develop compassion and forgiveness for those seeking the information they have been denied.

Use your gifts

The Bible’s book of Peter chapter 4 verse 10 says, “Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms”. This speaks to me. It tells me that, like Mary Magdalene, Thich Nhat Hahn, and countless writers, artists, spiritual leaders, and elders in all realms and capacities have told the stories, it is time for me to take this relationship to the next level. In other personal relationships it was evident that growth only came after “clearing the air” or having healthy confrontation conversations. Hiding problems only created discomfort and there was no love because there was no truth. Neither of us could trust the relationship, couldn’t trust each other, and couldn’t move forward. After speaking the truth and having the tough conversations there was always relief from having to hide, and affirmation of what we had been feeling but not saying.

I hear the call to step-up and tell my stories without fear of how it will be received. I am answering the call to rewrite the one-sided stories I was trained to believe as a child. I am committing myself to healing our relationship and walking on the front lines of a new history. I am taking this holy day, this quarantine time, to reset and work on myself and my ability to have difficult conversations. One of my writing heroes, Octavia Butler said,

“A victim of God may, through learning adaptation, become a partner of God.”

I have felt victimized by my government, by Christians, by men and so many other groups of humans. In my spiritual practice I know the importance of intention and creating a reality (manifesting) through the strength of my intentions. I feel like I’ve talked, preached, yelled, and I have reached the point in the relationship where I’ve tried everything and nothing has worked. I don’t believe that people will ever change, I feel like giving up.

Counseling has taught me that I have absolutely tried everything that I know how to do, but evidence shows that I did not have the tools, strength, or confidence to confront effectively. I will then take Octavia Butler’s advice and, like adrienne maree brown writes about in her book Emergent Strategy, I will intentionally adapt. Adapt with purpose and not just accept what is because I’ve lost faith in our ability to change. I will adapt in love with rekindled faith in our desire to become aware of how we affect others and our desire to start new.

In this Spring season pagans celebrate rebirth and new growth. On this Easter day, the Christians celebrate the rising and new life of Jesus after his sacrifice. I will follow both of these traditions this year and follow in the footsteps of all the elders who came before me and had the difficult conversations, were not believed, and were still brave enough to tell the story. With intention and love I will seek out and learn what is needed to mend our relationship and build trust and follow Alice Walker who reminded me that, “we must learn nothing less than how to be born again”.