21 Communication Habits You Need to Break
By: Noel Bagwell
Tags: Communication Skills, Dispute Resolutions, Habits, Advice, Lawyers

Photo by Etienne Boulanger, from Unsplash. https://unsplash.com/photos/erCPgyXNlto

Good Communication Prevent Lawsuits and Other Expensive Disputes

Poor communication is expensive. People sue people they dislike, but they usually don’t sue people they like; and people like people with whom they enjoy communicating.

Being a good communicator, therefore, is a way of insulating yourself against arguments, disputes, and even lawsuits. I haven’t always been a good communicator, but, over the last decade, I have been on a (very successful) campaign to improve my own personal communication.

In the rest of this article, I’m going to share why I started focusing on improving my own communication, and how you can improve yours.

Good Communication Is Your Responsibility

When I was in law school, a professor lovingly me told me, “Noel, you’re an asshole.” Now, that may not sound like constructive criticism, but — to be fair — she first asked me, “How blunt can I be,” in response to me asking her why she thought I was having so much difficulty connecting with my fellow classmates. I told her to be as blunt as she’d like to be.

She went on to explain to me that being right wasn’t everything — that it didn’t matter if I was right, if no one wanted to listen to anything I had to say. She said I didn’t just tell people I disagreed with them, or that they were wrong, but that I made them feel stupid and bad and ashamed, because they were wrong. Even if I was right, that was inexcusable.

I had always felt like, if I had the right answer, that was all that mattered. I felt like, if people didn’t want to listen to a good idea, it was because they were stupid. From my point of view, refusing to listen to a good idea, is just intentionally persisting in one’s ignorance — the very definition of stupidity. I felt like being right justified presenting the right idea in the wrong way.

I was wrong.

My professor taught me that playing the social game matters. I need to care about scoring goodwill points with others, and avoiding social faux pas. (Yes, the plural form is written the same as the singular.) So, my communication needed to change. After all, if a good idea falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it… Well, it doesn’t make a sound.

Communication Habits to Break

Learning to improve my communication was hard, and I’m far from a master, even now. The first step is determining whether or not you are a bad communicator. How many of the following bad communication habits can you spot in your own life?

Disengaged Body Language

Primarily, disengagement is observed through lack of eye contact, being turned away from the person speaking to you, crossing your arms, etc. Practice being aware of, and intentional about, using body language that communicates your engagement with the person speaking to you.

Refusing to Eliminate Distractions

Multitasking or allowing your phone, television, computer, book, etc. to get between you and another person who is trying to communicate with you is just rude. Multitasking undeniably impairs communication. Be focused and present on the conversation, and eliminate distractions.

Cutting Off Others Mid-Sentence

No one likes being interrupted. Try to avoid it. Wait for an opening, and then speak to each point that’s made. Use respectful body language to indicate that you’d like to respond to a point, but let people finish their thought before jumping in to respond. I strongly recommend Kristin Wong’s article, “How to Quit a Toxic Interrupting Habit,” to help anyone who wants to stop cutting people off and learn to be a better listener.

Stream of Consciousness Rambling

Going on a verbal rampage isn’t fun for people listening to you. Be aware of how much you are speaking, compared to how much the other person is speaking. Pay attention to your breathing. Use short sentences. Pause intentionally, to create openings for others to respond to points you made.

Do not make point after point after point, without giving others a chance to respond! That’s a huge faux pas, especially when you do that, and then complain about being interrupted! Of course your’e going to get interrupted, if that’s the only way anyone can get a word in edge-wise.

Merely Waiting for Your Turn to Speak, Without Actively Listening

Don’t just wait for your turn to speak — listen to what the other person is saying. Active listening is absolutely vital to good communication.

“You should focus on being interested, rather than being interesting.” — Jacqueline Novogretz

Often, failure to actively listen is exhibited by the same people who don’t pause after making a point to give others a chance to respond (see above).

Reframing Others’ Points of View Using Emotionally Charged Language

This is often coupled with the strawman logical fallacy or a language selected to manipulate a framing effect cognitive bias (or both). Sometimes, people do this, and, when the person whose views have been reframed objects, the re-framer says, “Well, that’s what you’re saying!” And then they get punched in the face, because that’s all a bully understands.

Seriously, don’t do this. Those are fighting words.

Making Assumptions and Inferring Motives

ASK. QUESTIONS. Do not assume anything. That includes inferring others have certain motives, or attributing intentions to them that may, or may not, be driving their speech and actions. Instead, ask questions, like, “Why do you think that,” or, “What makes you feel that way,” or, “Why did you feel the need to…”?

Losing Emotional Control

You have the right to politely and respectfully express your emotions. When your emotions become a barrier to honest communication, you need to take responsibility for your emotions by exercising some self-control.

You do not have the right to start crying over every single thing another person says. You should understand that tears are big guns and unnecessary crying is manipulative.

When you start crying, empathic people naturally feel like either they’ve done something wrong or you’re emotionally unstable. Neither conclusion tends to lend itself to good communication from that point onward. Crying makes everything about you, because it creates the impression that you’re hurt and require care. This forces your communication partner to pause the conversation and make sure you’re alright before returning to the topic under discussion.

The same is true about outbursts of anger, incredulity, or any other powerful emotion. Never allow emotions to get the better of you. Remain in control.

Powerful emotional displays almost always cost you the intellectual, if not moral, high ground, because either you have exhibited an inability to exercise self-control (i.e. mental discipline) or you have used your emotions to try to manipulate others in the conversation.

So, remember, while you have the right to feel however you feel, and to express those feelings, you do not have the right to an unlimited range of emotional expression. There are costs to coloring outside the emotional lines, so to speak. Your right to self-expression must be balanced against others’ rights to not be drowned out or shouted down by your words, actions, and emotional displays.

Running Away / Conflict Avoidance

You have the right to take a break from an intense conversation in order to keep your cool. You do not have the right to use such breaks to try to gain an advantage in the conversation by controlling when and how the conversation happens.

If you need a break to regain your composure, set a reasonable expectation about when communication can resume, and then meet that expectation by being available when you said you will be.

Do not take excessive breaks. Don’t run away. Do not storm out of the room in a huff, leaving the other party wondering when, or if, you’ll return. This is childish, immature behavior.

Also, don’t be a coward. Don’t avoid conflict. Cultivate the emotional maturity and fortitude to engage in difficult conversations, without getting your amygdala all triggered.

Being Self-Absorbed / Self-Centered

Care about others’ incentives and feelings, and make that clear in the way you communicate — verbally and non-verbally. If all you appear to care about is being right (i.e. personal validation) or about how you feel, from others’ perspective you’re just taking, and not giving anything in return.

Why should anyone else care about anything a person like that has to say? Short answer: they won’t. Ironically, selfishness and loneliness tend to go hand in hand.

Using Platitudes, Filler Words, and Other Conversational Debris

Don’t waste your breath or the other person’s time with platitudes and other nonsense. It’s like admitting, “I have nothing valuable to contribute to this conversation.”

View on Twitter: https://cutt.ly/9mvJyfF

Rather than doing this, ask a good question. This will allow you to go deeper into the subject under discussion and reveal the other person’s thinking. Questions signal that you’re engaged. If you’re not, tactfully change the subject.

Judging People without Context

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” - Philo of Alexandria

We often catch people when they’re not at their best. Maybe they’re distracted by something that happened earlier in the day. In any event, they aren’t focused on how they’re coming across. Don’t judge that. Ask them questions that focus them on the substance of your conversation, and help you both contextualize their expressions.

Keeping Score and Dredging Up the Past

Don’t hold past wrongs against others. FORGIVE. MOVE ON. Let it go.

If you are always throwing in others’ faces the things you refuse to forgive, (1) they won’t feel safe talking to you, and (2) you are a bad person. Be better. Learn to forgive, just as you want others to forgive you. This is the golden rule of forgiveness.

Expecting Mind-Reading / Imputing Constructive Knowledge

Expecting mind reading, at best, is a cognitive bias known as the Curse of Knowledge. Not only is the curse of knowledge illogical, it is absurd. Once you understand something, don’t presume it to be obvious to everyone else.

It’s just crazy to think that other people can read your mind, or that other people should know what you know. Don’t make these kinds of stupid assumptions. Ask questions, and confirm your assumptions, before just plowing ahead in a conversation, assuming everyone is on the same page when they may not be.

Verbal Abuse

It’s only funny in Monty Python sketches, okay? Just be kind. Choose kind words, and use them. Don’t resort to ad hominem attacks, name-calling, being condescending, making unsubstantiated accusations, or being otherwise demeaning or rude.

Dishonesty

Be honest. Don’t be disingenuous. Do not agree with people when you don’t mean it. Don’t agree to do things you have no intention of doing. Don’t go along to get along. Honestly requires courage, and dishonesty is often a symptom of cowardice. Be brave enough to tell the truth, always.

Also, telling people, “I’m sorry, but…” or “Yeah, but…” is dishonest. The first is something you say when you’re really just trying to lessen the impact of a statement you expect to be poorly received, but you’re not really sorry. The second appears to be an acceptance or agreement, but immediately negates it with a “but.”

It’s good to acknowledge another person’s feelings, but remain authentic and genuine when doing so. Be tactful, but be honest. Don’t apologize, if it’s not sincere (more on apologies, below). Don’t agree, unless you agree.

Insane Expectations

Be realistic, and make every effort to ensure that what you are asking others to do is something you really would do, if you were in their position, and is something they actually can do. Be reasonable, and don’t set yourself up for disappointment by expecting the impossible.

Being Ungrateful

Practice authentic gratitude. Don’t just recite cliché things for which you are — or feel you ought to be — grateful. Instead, really focus on what’s giving you meaning, value, and purpose in life. Put those things at the center of your day, every day, and express, or otherwise demonstrate, gratitude for them.

Shutting Down / Freezing Out

Don’t just hold in your emotions and thoughts. When you do that, you isolate yourself. This is terrible communication. The only way anyone reasonably can be expected to understand you, and connect with you, as if you clearly, honestly share how you think and feel with others. When you shut down or freeze other people out you do them and yourself a disservice.

Using Hyperbole and Superlative Language

Don’t be a drama queen. You’re being dishonest and unnecessarily dramatic, when you start sentences with:

“You always…”

“You never…”

“Everyone thinks you…”

“You do this every time…”

“Why do you always…?”

“Why don’t you ever…?”

“How come you never…?”

Practice striking “always” and “never” from your vocabulary. Notice, too, that these kinds of statements tend to be accusations about what another person does, says, or thinks.

Instead, focus on how what they are saying or doing makes you feel. Suggest a path forward that is not articulated in superlative language, but leaves room for dynamic circumstances.

Apologizing for Others’ Feelings

Saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” “I’m sorry you were offended…,” or some variation of that is not a real apology. Apologizing for others’ emotions / feelings is a total cop-out, because you’re not apologizing for anything you did or anything you said.

A real apology has six distinct elements: (1) an expression of regret, (2) an explanation of what went wrong, (3) an acknowledgment of responsibility, (4) a declaration of repentance, (5) an offer of repair / penance, and (6) a request for forgiveness.

Commit to Daily Communication Improvement

“Kaizen is a Japanese term meaning ‘change for the better’ or ‘continuous improvement.’ It is a Japanese business philosophy regarding the processes that continuously improve operations and involve all employees.” (Investopedia)

A kaizen approach to improving communication is what I believe each person needs to take. Commit to daily, continuous improvement. Do a personal inventory of the mistakes, above. Be really honest with yourself — painfully honest — and list all the mistakes you can remember making. Then, rank them by which ones bother you the most.

Take a week to focus on the first thing on the list. Improve your communication by addressing that problem. The next week, add the next thing on the list; and the next week, the next thing; and so on.

If you want to prevent disputes, and just improve your overall reach and influence, commit to a kaizen approach to improving communication. Better communication will also help you prevent lawsuits and other disputes and improve your productive output.

Communication is the cornerstone of preventive law. I hope these insights, born from my experience preventing lawsuits and resolving disputes, will help you! If you need additional help, please contact me.