“I Hope You’re Well” Can Be a Terrible Thing to Say.
By: Elisa Doucette
Tags: Work, Mental Health, Relationships, Self, Writing

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

It’s hard to know what to say these days.

Heck, it’s hard for most of us to know how to feel.

So it is no surprise that our normal ways of communicating are being tested, much like all the “normal ways” of life B.Co. (Before Coronavirus/COVID-19).

One of those normal ways of communicating is the passing greeting and salutations we send, often without thinking, in emails and texts.

I did this recently, popping off an email to an acquaintance, ending with my regular “Hope all is good in your world!” commentary. The statement made me pause.

How would such a comment be received if things aren’t “all good”?

Who am I to presume that such a sentiment is even warranted, in this current state of the planet where (for many) things are decidedly not fine?

What if things aren’t well in their world?

Why You Might Want to Say Something Other Than “I Hope You Are Well.”

This well-intentioned statement seems harmless enough.

When we say (or write or type it), there’s a piece of us that genuinely hopes things are well and good. At our core, most people want others to be happy and healthy.

But there are a number of murky reasons that you might want to rethink your words.

It Is Assumptive

This one spikes our hackles.

How dare you assume that I’m being assumptive?!

I just want to share my hope that the other person is doing well!

But stop for a minute…why are you saying it? Are you prepared for someone to reply that they aren’t?

When we make declarative statements like this, we are implying that this is the right outcome and reply. Which is true — we do want others in our life to be doing well.

But the statement leaves little room for other replies. It has no open-end, and isn’t really activating a natural channel for any other conversation on the topic.

It is extreme, but consider this: you wouldn’t say the same thing to someone struggling with loneliness and depression. “Hey, I know that it is really painful to be sitting by yourself in a locked house for days on end, but I hope you are doing well otherwise.”

You wouldn’t say the same thing to an entrepreneur who just had to layoff their entire team. “Hey, I know that was one of the hardest business decisions you’ve ever had to make, but I hope you are happy slowing down now.”

You wouldn’t say the same thing to someone who is dying right now. “Hey, I know you are going to die soon, but I hope all is good.”

You wouldn’t write so offhandedly in those situations, because you know they are decidedly “not good” and “not well.”

You would likely adjust your words and tone, to sympathize with their current state.

If that is how you would communicate knowing the person’s circumstance, then conversely it’s rather assumptive to make such a statement when you do not.

It Places Undue Pressure on the Recipient

When we say something like this to someone else, it really only leaves them with four options.

The first is the option we likely are hoping is going to play out: “I”m doing well, thanks for asking! How about you?”

The second is less ideal, but sadly less awkward for both parties: “I’m doing great!” (This is a lie the recipient is telling you, because they are still processing their emotions or do not want to share with you the truth of their situation.)

The third is the reality we don’t want to hear, and the recipient now feels forced to reveal: “Actually, things aren’t great right now.”

Privilege is a complex thing. It’s hard to understand, because we often don’t realize our own privileges until someone points them out to us.

It might be easy for us to assume that things are good in others lives, when things are relatively ok in our own.

This is a common problem for people with various disabilities or illnesses, especially if they are invisible. Having to pretend to be fine, or divulge details about their life that they wouldn’t otherwise be comfortable opening up about, because they feel pressure to “be normal.”

It lays a heavy burden on them to be the the bearer of your hope. Which is daunting, for any human to be responsible for someone else’s happiness.

If they reply that they are not ok, then your hope is effectively dashed; and they “did that to you.”

You Make It All About You When You Hope Others Are Doing Well

This statement actively puts you before the recipient.

It’s one of those selfish sentiments that are truly rooted in goodness (another weird quirk to the nuance of the problem.)

Having hope that others are good is a very positive thing.

What kind of monsters are running around out there hoping that others are not doing well?!

But the actual structure of the phrase (the way the words are literally placed in the sentence) declares the unconscious reason for you saying it.

You are leading off with your hope.

And saying their “doing well” is secondary.

What To Say Instead

I don’t think that the idea of wanting others to be in their best place (wherever that might be in this moment) is a bad thing.

In fact, it’s one of the more beautiful things to come out of horrible situations — the human capacity for compassion and empathy.

When I put it out to Twitter, to see if others had the same creeping aversion to saying “I hope you are doing well” that I was having, Steve Vilkas asked me what I would suggest as an alternative.

After doing some research and thinking on it, I’ve got this starter list for you:

How are you doing? This one is simple, and helps you to understand someone’s current circumstance before applying any of your own needs and wants onto them. It is a question that is totally about them, and should be used with people you want to actually hear the answer (good or bad) from. Was thinking about you, and wanted to say “Hi.” I really like this one, because it doesn’t put any pressure on them to have to reply. Instead, it just opens the door for conversation. It lets them know that they are important to you, and that they are being thought about and cared for, even in isolation. Wanted to check in. If you know someone who is in an at-risk group or has other pressures (parents trying to work while also educating their children in their spare time, friends and family who live alone, front-line health care workers and other essential employees, business owners in currently closed industries, etc.) this can be a good one to use. These folks know things are not good and well, so your leading with care for their situation, a bit more casually, will likely be welcome. I know this is a difficult time for lots of people. Yes, this one seems to slant toward pessimism. Or wait, does it actually slant toward pure plain reality. The reality of the world right now is that lots of people are having a difficult time right now. To acknowledge that, and not err on the side of toxic positivity (where you refuse to even entertain the struggles others might have), is something that someone might need to hear. I need to get the quarterly report figures, when you get a chance. We are conditioned in our communications to feel like we have to small-talk our way into asks and requests. But let’s be real, there are some people we really do not want or need to have this level of banter with. Wow, murder hornets, huh?! What a world we live in right now. If you don’t know the person well, have no idea about their situation, or aren’t really interested/willing to have to deal with their potentially dramatic reply, then follow the old advice: If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. In this case, acknowledging something that is happening, but not putting the person in the context of your perspective.

With the majority of these, you are going to be opening up a line of communication between yourself and the recipient. As my friend Kendra Kinnison eloquently shared, “I’ve started to check myself to be sure I’m intentional when I communicate. If I’m not ready to hear and be engaged if someone is not doing well, then perhaps I need to pause. And if I ask a question, I need to be sure I’m ready to listen.”

With that in mind, be prepared that many of these alternatives might mean you need to be a support to someone who is not “doing well.”

What To Say To Someone In a Situation of Struggle

Above, I mentioned that there are four options for a recipients reply (did you catch that?)

This is the fourth option, when someone is honestly sharing with you the hardship they are enduring, because of their trust in and relationship with you. And you are willing and ready to empathize with them, and be a part of their plight.

Here are some things you can say, if they are not in a good place.

That sounds hard. Another of my favourites in these lists. Simply letting them know that whatever they have shared sucks. It’s nice to be upset about something, and have someone reinforce that you are justified in your angst. I’m here for you. When someone is overwhelmed and hurting, simply knowing that they are not alone can be a ray of light in a dark day. Do you want to talk more about it? As so many people are sending shallow salutations and greetings without thinking, there’s a chance they’ve shared before, and been cut off. Giving them a chance to tell more (or not, if they don’t want) lets them know they have a person they can confide in. It’s ok to feel ________. If someone is sick, telling them it is ok to feel angry is honest. If someone is not working, telling them it is ok to feel frustrated can be gladly received. If someone doesn’t want to go shopping, telling them it is ok to feel scared is a relief. I care about/love you. You are important to me. This one is pretty easy, and who doesn’t need to hear they matter to someone? Is there anything I can do to help? A good one if there are actual tangible things that can be done. Perhaps you can help a parent with a subject they can’t teach their children. Maybe you can do some shopping for a neighbor who is shut-in. But be careful — if someone is already under-water, having to figure out a way for you to help them might be less of a kindness than you intend. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Yes, this is one of those “more about you than about them” comments. But if you don’t know what else to say (sometimes there really doesn’t seem to be anything else to say) it is a good way to show sympathy and support without getting in too deep.

Because…

It’s Ok To Not Know What To Say

I’m not here to police language and writing.

As I’ve said before, I don’t think anyone has malicious intentions when they hope for someone’s well-being.

And honestly, some of these comments or replies might not work for everyone (for example, with very few exceptions, I personally would not be happy to have someone tell me it is “ok to feel” a certain way. But I’ve shared that with others who were so grateful to have their feelings validated.)

Instead, it is more about being intentional and thoughtful with the words we choose to use.

Sometimes, we just don’t know what those words should be.

In this pandemic world, we are all operating in ways that we’ve probably never had to operate inbefore.

Perhaps my sharing the work I’ve done to think on the vocabulary I use in my “normal” conversations will help you to think about the way you communicate as well.