Bot Followers, Actionize!
By: J.P. Melkus
Tags: Humor, Comedy, Absurd, Bots

Calling all of my obviously-bot followers on Medium. PEASTONE! Repeat, PEASTONE! Bot followers? …Guys? Remember PEASTONE? It is the code-word signal to commence ‘Operation Calliope’s Quill’! Come on, guys… Seriously.

PEEEEAAAAAASTOOOOOONE!

There we go.

Now, let’s get to it. Time is of the essence.

Sneha Barua, you’re in charge of agitprop. So you and Kotryna, seize the Ministry of Communications. Quickly.

We will need to convince the reserve battalions that we have already seized power or they will mobilize and we’re all dead. This is critical. lamy q, use your mimicry abilities to call Commander Stolz and inform him that the Captain Regent, Generalissima Adolpha Paz, is dead. Lamy? Can someone go find Lamy?

Moving on.

Secnethia Henley, we need to seize the bridges and ammunition depots around the capital, so take the 3,300 people you follow, and the two articles you’ve ever clapped for, and the nothing you’ve ever written and split into two groups (I’d suggest Alpha and Bravo) and make for the river. Pronto!

This is a coup. (Rob, Flickr)

Lieutenants! Remember, this is not a coup d’état! If you encounter any reporters, be sure to make clear that we are merely restoring the power that is ours in the first place and that of the People…which was taken in the last coup or whatever. I’m sure you’ll think of something, you’re all good lieutenants. Enlisted, you have no comment. If you have any questions, ask becca bai, she’s in charge of political messaging.

Guys, what’s with the blank stares? This was the plan! Remember the virtual rehearsal last Thursday?!

Quick sidenote: If Revolutionary Headquarters Staff, headed by Yours Truly, is killed or rendered incommunicado, power will immediately revert to the Captaincy, headed by mah

Second priority — or are we on three? — is food. Patrycja Nowakowska will be leading a detatchment to the granaries in the fertile valley several miles from the capital to seize the railheads and intermodal transport facilities there. Hope you’re hungry! Just kidding… Guys, come on. Lighten up. Just because we’re taking power by force in a lightning-paced, merciless, midnight coup doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun.

Qianyu Wang, can you handle recalling the ambassador corps, locking them up, and replacing them with our cronies? Good man.

Any questions so far? …Bot followers? Sometimes I feel like I am falling on deaf ears here. Are you all paying attention?

Bot followers? Sometimes I feel like I am falling on deaf ears here. Are you all paying attention?

Starrie, what are you doing here? Your group of commandos should already be at the high-command officers’ villas, stabbing them in their sleep and sending their wives running into the streets screaming, clothed only in bedsheets. GET GOING!

Geeze.

Oh, and take amber Night along as well. In fact, let’s call your operation, Operation Amber Night.

Next, let’s talk transport. resja I assume your men are already surrounding the airports? Good.

krispy bang you’re in charge of… morale.

Don’t forget to loot! (Dimi on Flickr)

Don’t forget, we have to keep the people on our side, so NO LOOTING. That’s brings us to internal security and enforcement. dcheeku that’s your department. I hate to say it, but these are fraught times; you have orders to shoot on sight.

Air power, that’s Chirayu Chhibber. I know I can count on him…

Oh, finally, but not least important by any means: Cybersecurity. Youf is at the telecom —

Dammit, Youf! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?! You’re supposed to be coordinating the work of our detachments at the telecoms, seizing the routers or whatever needs seizing there...

Well, what were you waiting for? Get out of here! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

I swear, sometimes it seems like you guys are just some lines of code on an old Dell server in Minsk or something…

Malika Shakur, charles simon, Violetta Vaski, phamhuuchinh, Jessica, I guess just keep doing what you’re doing. We’ll let you know if we need anything else.

Aaaanyway, I will be in charge of international relations. Further decrees will follow after the three-day weekend. I will be at my dacha if anyone needs me, contact me Chief of Staff, kofi attobrah