How to Survive Common Animal Attacks
By: Carlyn Beccia
Tags: Humor, Creative, Science, Life Lessons, Animals

When most survivors describe animal attacks, it is usually one tiny detail that made the difference between life and death. In Eric Nerhus’ case, it was his abalone chisel.

Nerhus was diving for abalone shellfish off Cape Howe in Australia when he encountered a great white shark. One minute he was happily swimming through murky water, and the next minute…his head was clamped inside the shark. In an instant, the shark crushed his mask, broke his nose, and shook his helpless body like a ragdoll.

But just when Nerhus thought he might become fish food, he used his chisel to hit the shark’s head and then pushed his fingers into the shark’s delicate eye sockets. The shark released him, and Nerhus lived to tell his tale.

Nerhus survived because he knew that poking the shark’s eyes out was his only chance to escape. If you ever face a dangerous creature, you may have seconds to make life or death decisions.

Here are some survival tips for the most common animal attacks.

Africanized honey bee — they are cute until they swarm with their buddies | CC BY 3.0

Killer Bees

Killer bees, otherwise known as Africanized honey bees, are tiny little mercenaries with no forgiveness. They are deadly not because of their poison but because they swarm in such vast numbers that they can carpet your body in seconds.

To survive, run. Do not swat at the bees. Bees are attracted to movement. So swatting is just going to whip them into a frenzy. As you run, pull your shirt over your face.

Next, seek shelter. Don’t bother going underwater. Bees have nothing better to do than wait for you to emerge and start stinging you again.

You can take out the stingers with the flat edge of a credit card to prevent the spread of venom. Be careful not to push the stingers in further.

And, of course, seek medical attention immediately.

Lastly, if your loved one happens to be covered with a carpet of bees, do not whip out your cell phone and start taking pictures. Sure, you will get a great shot, but you will feel bad about it later.

Grizzly bears kill with cuteness. Photo by Janko Ferlic from Pexels

Grizzly Bears

First, if you ever mess with a baby grizzly bear, know that there is a mother bear not far behind. Second, you should probably take an existentialist moment to ponder why you don’t have the self-restraint not to pet baby animals in the wild.

Third, whatever you do,…don’t run. A grizzly is programmed to chase down prey. This means it will interpret your sprint to safety as…game on. Think you can run faster than 30mph? Good luck with that.

You also want to avoid eye contact because the grizzly bear will see that as an act of aggression. Bear experts recommend you step away sideways instead of backward without making eye contact.

Most wildlife experts also recommend you carry bear spray while camping. Aim for the face and then move to plan 2.

Plan 2: if you are about to be mauled by an angry grizzly, play dead. Lay flat on your stomach with your hands clasped behind your neck and then spread your legs to make it harder for the bear to turn you over.

This survival technique is called “death feigning” or thanatosis and is used by several animals to avoid predators.

Lastly, remember that bear attacks are rare. Mama grizzly bears have more important things to do than eat your sorry intestines and want to get back to the important job of mothering.

Photo by Pete Nuij on Unsplash

Black bears

Do NOT play dead. Black bears won’t fall for that nonsense. If a black bear attacks, fight hard. Like way harder than Brad Pitt did in The Legends of the Fall and a tiny bit harder than Leonardo DiCaprio did in The Revenant. (I personally thought he should have won that one.)

Better yet, try to avoid the darn bear in the first place. Keep your campsite clean, and always install bird feeders a safe distance from your house.

If you do spot a black bear, bang on pots and pans. Like grizzly bears, black bears have better things to do than eat humans. Most will retreat if they hear loud noises.

It’s adorable until you get your face ripped off. Photo by Gustavo Fring from Pexels

Monkeys

Angry macaque attacks are not the stuff of fiction. Experts have found most monkey attacks occur when the monkey thinks you are keeping food from them. This is why you should never spill pasta sauce on your shirt and then hang out with hungry monkeys. Signals can get crossed.

But if you do find yourself being bullied by a pack of monkeys. First, remain calm. You must be smarter than the monkey. Never look an angry primate in the eye. This is seen as an act of aggression and will enrage them further.

Instead, hold out your hands to show you are not hiding delicious snacks. If you are withholding delicious snacks….give em’ up. Your lunch is not worth contracting Herpes B.

A bull shark. If you see one of these…sorry! | Public Domain

Sharks

If you ever find yourself facing a hungry great white….I am really sorry. That’s a rough day at the beach. Sure. Sure. All the shark experts say shark attacks are rare. Blah. Blah. Blah. Shark attacks are rare because most species of sharks have no desire to eat humans.

Shark attacks are usually caused by mistaken identity — they think you are a yummy seal or some other more appetizing snack.

Still, unprovoked shark attacks are on the rise, and this is because most sharks think we are jerks. Sharks don’t like us because they cause an average of four fatalities worldwide while humans kill 100 million sharks per year. Perhaps the shark is just trying to even the score.

But if you do find yourself in shark-infested waters, don’t panic…unless you see a bull shark. Most species of sharks do not bite, but a bull shark does.

And don’t wear yellow. Some shark species can see the contrast between black and yellow. This color combo makes you look like a flashy, mouth-watering popsicle.

Most importantly, try to remain calm. That adage about sharks attracted to a single drop of blood is true. But what is also true is that many sharks are attracted to fear. Sharks are sensitive to electrical fields and will hear your fluttering heartbeat like a dinner bell. So try to slow your heartbeat if you are about to be eaten by a shark. Good luck with that.

Remember to follow the shark etiquette. Do not turn your back on the shark, and do not make any sudden movements. Most sharks do not just go up to humans and clamp their jaw down. That’s just rude. First, they will bump into you to determine if you are edible.

If the shark does attack, punch the shark. But not in the nose. Punching the shark in the nose will put your fist dangerously close to its teeth. Instead, shark experts advise you to punch the shark in the gills or eyes. Again, good luck with that.

Lastly, shark experts advise you get out of the water. Well, duh.

The truth about sharks is this; you have probably been swimming around them and not even known it. But they know it. And they want nothing to do with humans. Because we are jerks.