My Imaginary friend.
By: Mark Broadway
Tags: Depression, Love Yourself, Hope, Faith, Jesus

My Imaginary friend.

I have an imaginary friend; and before anyone decides to channel Richard Dawkins, no - I'm not talking about God.

My imaginary friend isn't a very good friend. In fact, I think I might hate him. He is my depression.

I haven't written about my depression before, which seems strange since he (that is my imaginary friend) has been coming to visit, now and then, for my entire adult life.

I was diagnosed with depression whilst at university. My GP me put on a course of antidepressants, and my University facilitated access to a few sessions of talking therapy.

I was then left to trundle on.

Although, looking back, I think I had suffered of bouts of sadness as a child, it was not until around the age of 20 that I began the journey of understanding mental health. This is a journey I am still on.

My imaginary friend is not a good friend.

To start with, he is notoriously unreliable. Sometimes I won’t hear from him for months or years. Then, suddenly, he turns up unannounced when I least expect it. At other times, over the past decade, it has been as though he has his own key to my house. It has felt like he can let himself in as often as he pleases.

When he does come to visit, he is exhausted and doesn’t want to do much except wallow in how rubbish a situation I am in - and how rubbish I myself am. This in turn exhausts me. It’s as though he needs my constant attention. Usually, the things he moans about are not even true. Nevertheless, in the past, I have found myself sitting with him, smoking with him, drinking with him, until he decides it is time to leave.

When the time comes for him to depart (which may be with as little warning as his arrival) I find my life has been left un-tended, my friendships left unnurtured, and my house left untidied.

I really dislike this man. Frankly, he seems to dislike me, too.

I have tried locking him out - but that can be counterproductive, as he can cause more problems breaking in. On different occasions, I’ve also tried appeasing him - but that just seems to make him worse.

These days, I have been trying something different: when he comes, I try to welcome him.

You see, I have realised that he is not well. It’s not that he needs my sympathy, but he does need my love. And so I try my best to take care of him when he comes. None of it is my fault, but it is my responsibility.

I make a start in caring for him by putting away unhealthy things. Then I will be proactive, sometimes I’ll take him with me for a walk, or even to the gym. When I can, I’ll bundle him up and take him with me to see friends. Afterwards, we might even share a cup of tea.

He still seldom says anything kind to me, but after he’s been taken out to do something, he tends to have less to say - and in that state, he’s easier to love.

It really is all about love.

In the gospel, Jesus commands us to love our enemies.

Jesus does this because it is exactly what God has done for us. When we were against God, God the Son came from heaven into this 'far country' to offer on our behalf the sacrifice that restores our relationship with him. Now, God calls us to love those who are against us - this is what it means to be like God.

For some people, sometimes in life, it is us ourselves who are most against us. We can make enemies of ourselves. When Jesus tells us to love our enemies, we must not exclude ourselves from this love.

I’m not foolish enough to believe that my imaginary friend, the depression, really is someone else. No, it’s all the things I don’t like about myself. It’s the things, true or imagined, that I don’t yet love about me. As though there were a shadow me. It’s a me that, in times past, I have wished weren’t there.

But, looking at us through Christ, God loves us wholly and completely. He did so before the world was made, he did so before we did anything good or bad. He loved us before we loved him. This eternal love is now poured into our hearts so that we can grow to love our enemies - even when the enemy is ourselves.

Perhaps I can grow to love my imaginary friend?

Maybe, one day, he will love me too.

End note.

If you, or someone you know, have had a similar experience - please don't hesitate to speak to your GP,

or to the Mental Health organisation MIND www.mind.org.uk

Or call Samaritans on 116 123