Want Your Female Partner to Be More Orgasmic?
By: Marie Lynne
Tags: Sexulity, Relationships, Feminism, Sex, Self Improvement

A couple of months ago, an article, “Sex and the Frustrated Man: Let’s talk about dead bedrooms and the male sex deficit,” caught my eye. Once I read the opening paragraphs the author, Kaye Smith PhD, had me hooked!

Dr. Smith is a sexologist/psychologist and adjunct professor who has researched social psychology and female sexuality. Here’s is someone who knows something about women and sex — a true-blue expert.

So, I asked if she would tackle five sex questions that are either frequently misunderstood or packed with loads of false information about women and their orgasm.

And, here’s what I learned:

1. Is it common for the clitoris to require a different kind of touch than the penis? If so, what type of stimulation do women tend to prefer?

The clitoris is a very sensitive little ball of fun for most women! We have about 8,000 nerve endings. The clitoris extends into the body and surrounds the vaginal barrel. Naturally, women’s greater sensitivity means that we often prefer a lighter touch, while some men practically hurt their manhood with a death grip from hell!

Sex researcher Shere Hite found in the 1970s that women exhibited a greater variety in masturbation techniques than men. In general, we are a LOT MORE VARIABLE than men in most aspects of sexuality.

According to the most extensive study conducted on women’s genital preferences, about 41% of women are only orgasmic from one particular type of touch. The most common motion is an up and down movement on the vulva (the outer female genitals). Women love a circular movement around the clit as well. And we prefer mild to moderate touches that often start soft and indirect but can become more intense and direct with time.

2. What sexual position increases the likelihood for a woman to have an orgasm without digital stimulation? How many women are orgasmic with penis-in-vagina intercourse?

One of the best positions is the coital alignment technique (CAT), a variation on the missionary position. To do it, a woman opens her legs and angles her pelvis up, while a man rocks down against her pubic bone. He needs to be farther up her body than in the traditional missionary position. The couple then rocks together instead of doing an in and out thrust. This maneuver allows the clitoris to receive stimulation. For some women, this will lead to orgasm. CAT can also occur with the woman on top.

When it comes to orgasm during intercourse, “angles are a girl’s best friend.” That means that sex works best for women when either they or their partner angles the position of their hips to stimulate either the upper vaginal wall (the G spot’s usual location) or the clitoris. It may take some experimenting to do. If a woman is on the bottom, using a pillow can help. To stimulate the clitoris, a pillow under the back is useful. To stimulate the G-spot, a pillow under the butt can work.

Estimating how many women are orgasmic from intercourse can be tricky. The Herbenick study on genital preferences cited above found that only 18 % of women were reliably orgasmic from intercourse.

Now, the keyword here is “reliably.” This study doesn’t take into consideration how many women are “sometimes” orgasmic from intercourse. The Herbenick study found 36.6% of women needed clitoral stimulation to orgasm, while another 36 % regarded clitoral stimulation as an orgasm enhancer. One problem that often shows up in sex research and makes the whole thing more complicated is the fact that not all studies differentiate between “assisted” orgasms (with clitoral stimulation) and “unassisted” orgasms (no clitoral stimulation).

3. What this popularity with “squirting” all about? Is it real? And if so, how commonly does it occur?

Squirting is a controversial topic, indeed! My understanding is that there is a difference between “squirting” and “female ejaculation.” And that they may be completely different physiological events. Some researchers argue that many women ejaculate a small amount of milky fluid at orgasm. It is associated with the Skene’s glands (a gland similar to the male prostate) and can go unnoticed. Beverly Whipple, one of the authors of the original book on the G spot, has said that this is an actual female ejaculation.

The copious fluid that shows up in porn (and in some women’s bedrooms) is usually clear and may be urine or dilute urine. But in some cases, the fluid has a small amount of PSA (a prostatic-specific antigen) in it.

Pioneering feminist Betty Dodson was very dismissive of the whole female ejaculation/squirting thing and called it a “parlor trick”. Primarily, because she believed that many women feel pressured to orgasm the “right way” (i.e., loudly, hands-free, and through loverboy’s penis). Squirting has become just another dog-and-pony show women are expected to pull off. The thing is that squirting IS NOT always even associated with orgasm. My own personal opinion is that if a woman ejaculates during sex as a matter of course, that’s fine but turning it into a goal is possibly self-defeating.

The stats say that around 10 to 40% of women will emit some form of fluid during orgasm.

4. Has porn changed over the years? If so, in what way? And how is it impacting relationships?

I have to say this isn’t an area that I am incredibly knowledgeable about. I don’t watch porn. But I think the real issue is using porn as a stand-in for sex-ed. Given that we don’t raise our children with accurate sexual information in this country, we are a nation of sexual dumb-asses! Porn often reflects male wishful thinking and can be pretty horrifying in its portrayal of female sexuality.

So, you have a lot of young men growing up with NO accurate sex information watching a lot of porn, having sex with women who have never masturbated, and know nothing about their bodies. You have now created a recipe for disaster, particularly on the female side of things.

5. What is one thing couples could do to improve their sex life radically?

Respect the feminine. There is a lot of talk about the importance of communication. However, communication is impossible to do without respecting your partner’s uniqueness. Our society has a long history of disregarding, dismissing, and disparaging women’s sexual difference. For instance, most of us aren’t told about the clitoris. Many women feel shame for needing clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Far too many men don’t listen to the information their partner is trying to communicate because it violates what they want to believe.