It’s The Wanting
By: Sarene B. Arias
Tags: Health, Relationships, Love, Sex, Sexuality

When was the last time you really wanted someone? Wanted to taste them everywhere; to pull them closer than physically possible, to devour them? Some of us feel that kind of desire all of the time. For some of us, it’s instinctive, as natural as breathing, but acting on it can be complicated. For others, authentic desire is fraught, something we’ve been made to feel ashamed of, in one way or another.

When I think back on my steamiest nights, it’s not how cut the guy’s body may have been, or how fine the wine. The truth is always simple, and there is no simpler truth than this one.

The full-proof key to hot sex is an authentic desire. That’s it. No bells or whistles.

It’s the wanting that makes it hot.

If you’re sitting alone, reading this right now, and you’re clear that what you want for yourself now, today, is incredible sex, then believe me when I tell you, you’re already halfway home.

Because you were made feel exactly what you’re feeling right now. And when you let yourself feel your lusting — craving, tingling down to your toes and out the hair on your head — then your skin tone changes, your posture changes, your energy levels change, and your body releases pheromones that are designed to make you look hot. Because you are hot in your wanting.

Wanting may be natural, but it is not easy. Wanting takes courage.

The path to great sex can be something of a Catch 22. Why?

On one hand, the human brain is optimized for novelty. It’s an instinct that started out as protective — red wild berries, never tasted, might be dangerous. So, when our hunter-gatherer ancestors came across some new possibly tasty but possibly deadly morsels, their bodies released a sumptuously stimulating cortisol cocktail to put them on high alert. Attentive and brave, the prehistoric person who popped one in her mouth was blessed with an extra powerful rush of dopamine in response to the berry’s sweetness. (If it was bitter, well, better luck next time, as it just might have killed her…)

When it comes to pleasure, we respond to that which is shiny and new.

On the other hand, new lovers are rarely safe lovers, and real wanting takes courage. I have to be brave to tell you that I want you. After all, nothing feels worse than making that long trek across the room in pursuit of someone you really like, only to be rebuffed.

If you want to have endlessly hot sex, one way or another, you have to reclaim your wanting. Some of us get there through self-love, embracing our fetishes and our curves, society be damned. Others get there through good ol’ fashioned monogamy, leaning into our lover’s presence day in and day out, knowing that we are loved as much for our flaws as for our features.

Desire is a beautiful thing. It’s the most generous gift you can give your lover.

“But, what if I am terrified when I climb into bed with you?” you ask.

Then, I say to you, “The first step is admitting it!” Now that you have, we can get to work.

Wanting

The only thing hotter than a man telling me that he wants me is feeling how badly he wants me.

The more I can feel the “yes!” in my partner’s hands, the more turned on I am. And to be a good partner, I let my man feel how much I want him. I tell him so. I set aside the little girl in me that is screaming “but, what if you don’t want me to?!” I pull up my big girl pants and I say “There is nothing I want more than to be filled up by you. You are what I want.”

When we let our fears take center stage during sex, we make the sex about us, and not about connecting with our partner. And, we can be bigger than that.

So, the next time you have the pleasure of climbing into bed with a lover, trust your body and trust your desire.

Drop the Guilt

So many of us have been fed so much crap about sex and sexuality. But, here’s a little heads up for the Christians out there: The other monotheisms — Islam and Judaism — don’t equate sex with original sin. And, Hinduism has a full stream that embraces sex as worship! Viewing sex as something to feel guilty about is just one way of looking at the whole thing. And, I’m here to tell you, it’s unhealthy. It puts you at war with yourself, and that’s no way to live. Sex makes us feel alive and it creates life. It’s not bad. It’s so so good.

Sex makes us feel alive and it creates life. It’s not bad. It’s so so good.

It’s time to drop the guilt, and drop the stories that folks told you when you were coming of age that made you feel like something was wrong with you when you listened to your body begging for touch. They probably just needed to get laid.

“I don’t feel sinful, I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing!”

Its really something how many of us make it to adulthood, to parenthood even, still feeling like we don’t know what we’re doing in bed.

To you who feel inadequate, I have two messages. First, you are not alone. So many folks are right there with you. Second, you can not learn if you don’t try. There is, simply, no better activity for learning on the job than sex. It’s just something you’ve got to do. You can’t know what you like and what you don’t like if you don’t try.

Playfulness

The key here is playfulness. Can you call to mind that feeling of total freedom that came with being a child at play? No time. No fear of failure. Just you, your creativity and your desire.

Sex is just like that. Good sex is playful. And, it’s fun.

If you’re struggling with feelings of inadequacy about sex, just tell your partner that that’s how your feeling when you next find yourself pressed up against them.

Let that honest sharing be your beginning.

Hands are hot.

Flesh is hot.

Desire is hot.

Kink is hot.

Fetishes are hot.

Because wanting is hot.

So want it. And know that when you do, you’re hot.