The Diary of a Procrastinator
By: Dan Chirwa
Tags: Creative Process, Humour, Creativity, Diary, Writing

Friday — Idea Day (“Keen”): I said I would write a blog with Tom. Or write stuff on his blog — one of the two. It is a great idea. I need to write more lest my turn of phrase wither and my irony-cloaked rejoinders lose their stealth. There’s only so much you can say you are “a writer” until you actually have to prove to someone that you actually can. “Everyone’s a writer though” — if I had a penny for every time I had heard that then I’d still have less than one pound but I reckon I’d be chomping happily on some king-size confectionery. “Go on then Tom, that sounds good. Keen” I blurted, overly confident in the past deeds of my now-emaciated pen hand. I’d have something for him in five days when I came back from Whitstable I said. “No you won’t” my girlfriend chimed as I hung up.

Saturday (+8 days post “Keen”): Eight days later post-Whitstable, I remembered what I had agreed to. Tom is a general good sort and I didn’t want to let him down for no good reason. So I sketched out some ideas for basic post topics I could knock out on a weekly basis, and happy with what I had come up with, I locked and loaded Netflix. Mac firmly closed, I had triumphed over apathy and no one was going to stop me toasting this success with my man Don Draper.

Thursday (+13 days post “Keen”): Five days later I saw Tom again at birthday drinks for my flatmate. His was an Estrella, mine was a pint of shame and regret at my failing to deliver after a fortnight. He didn’t say anything about it but beneath his glugs of Spanish deliciousness I could sense resentment. It was hard to tell; I was squinting from the horizon after my half of the party had been ejected from the establishment because the birthday boy couldn’t hold his ale and “it’s a Thursday night and we have neighbours”. I have pride though — tomorrow.

Friday (+14 days post “Keen”): I can’t start writing tonight, regardless of the fact I’m staying in and watching Batman vs Superman against all received advice, warnings, reviews and previous Ben Affleck performances. I was literally watching the last thing on earth and a blog didn’t cross my mind. Besides, no one puts up their first post on a Friday do they?

Sunday (+16 days post “Keen”): Not a chance. Haven’t even been to sleep after the well-known tradition that is the rugby league Challenge Cup Final bank holiday all-dayer that we started yesterday midway through the second half of the game. And today is carnival Sunday. Man nuh run di ticklers pon laptop before a likkle carnival whine.

Thursday (+20 days post “Keen”): Tom has liked my Twitter post about going to Malawi tomorrow for the first time in 15 years. A bit passive aggressive, I’m now refusing out of principle. FUCK OFF TOM I HAVE LITERALLY BEEN UP TO MY EYES IN REAL STUFF. I DON’T LIVE FOR YOU. YOU AREN’T EVEN PAYING ME.

Saturday (+22 days post “Keen”): I have a funeral tomorrow. I should have written that post.

Monday (+24 days post “Keen”): Stricken without data or TV, and having already eaten one of a strict two proper meals a day a mere hour ago, I’m writing. Pass me that laptop. Sick of it. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW TOM? YOU HAVE RUINED MY FUNERAL TRIP TO MALAWI, A PLACE I HAVE VISITED ONCE IN 30 YEARS. AND NOW MY RELATIVES THINK I HAVE SHAMED THEM BY CRASHING OUT 1,800 WORDS ON MY MACBOOK INSTEAD OF PRAYING WITH A MINISTER FOR THE THIRD TIME TODAY AND SIXTH TIME IN THREE DAYS BECAUSE I’M TOO SHOOK TO TELL THEM GOD AND I AREN’T NICE LIKE THAT.