We Were Made in His Image
By: Joshua Mackey
Tags: Sexuality, LGBTQ, Fiction, Youth, Christianity

“Dear God, it felt good and I don’t know what to do”.

Caleb’s brown hands were clasped together, trembling as he sat in the church bathed in fluorescent light, while the rest of the town was drenched in 7pm sunset. The first pew, topped with mulberry colored cushions, was where he always sat. It had been this way since he was a child sitting between his family, as his preacher father spoke of life everlasting and the battle against sin that would keep so many from it.

As a child, he would sit in a suit, transfixed on “the Word”, as he did now as an 18-year-old in jeans, sneakers, and the name of his soon-to-be alma mater printed on his t-shirt. No matter the attire, this was his favorite spot to worship God. Now, he was here in conversation with the Most High. Pensively, searching for a sign that his car kiss that led to quiet breathing on his bare chest and soft hands on his face was inexplicably wrong, when it felt so right.

Like all things in the summers of North Carolina, everything felt frivolous and light — a contrast to the heavy, humid air. Days were a warm blur paired with dewy skin under an unforgiving sun. Lightning bugs had disappeared, as did childish games, but Caleb still ached for that sense of backyard freedom. Long days and short nights were filled with friends in car rides to fast food restaurants, video games at each others’ homes, and parking lot rendezvous with the crew. Small town life in the South for Caleb was coming to an end, with the start of college creeping closer. What was once on the horizon had now completely filled his view, but an aching feeling rose too. Soon, he would be away from the one person who made those summers worthwhile.

Luke was the reason he was even considering leaving all of this behind. His best friend wanted nothing, but the best for him. For him, that was Caleb’s exodus from his friends, their church community, and his father, for an adventure under bright lights and skyscrapers. They would be states apart on their separate school journeys and it troubled him to watch his oldest friend walk away with all of the history between them. He tried to ignore it, but ignorance isn’t bliss when knowing what you can’t have is always an arm’s length away.

Caleb thought there was a chance or rather hoped there was a desire from Luke, but he had never acted on it — until one day they found themselves in Luke’s room. Nothing out of the ordinary. Luke’s parents were away for the day, leaving the boys with too many snacks, video games, and arguments on which Marvel character was the best. Nothing happened, until Luke said he would miss Caleb when he left. It wasn’t out of the blue for Luke to convey emotion, but it was out of character for Caleb to respond the way he did. He thought this was the only way to comfort Luke, but really, it was to comfort himself. It shocked him, but reluctantly, he removed the distance between them until nothing was left, but tension radiating from goosebumps and a long-awaited kiss that started a journey they wouldn’t be able to stray from.

Apologies spilled from Caleb’s lips. He retreated only for Luke to pull him back in. He fell on top of his friend and gravity kept him there. Their bodies entangled like ivy wrapping around pillars. Luke felt familiar and new with each caress of his face and each touch from his lips. They took an intermission that had them look into each other’s eyes for the first time, which made them laugh. They saw each other as more than just boys who bonded over video games, horror movies, and junk food. Instead, they witnessed a reflection of feelings long hidden. It took the pressure from their lips to break down the wall between them. Their hands found each other’s naked bodies and bridged the gap between them. With a final touch, colors appeared to Caleb behind closed eyes, but when open, those same eyes took in a brewing storm of confusion, doubt, and shame.

He didn’t even say goodbye to Luke. Some of his things still took up space in that room where it happened. He didn’t need a calling card for Luke to reach out to him, but he hadn’t and it had been a week since they had last seen each other. Sight didn’t matter when Caleb could still smell and feel Luke’s presence in any room, when each passing thought was just a memory of soft kisses gracing hidden parts of his skin.

These were the memories that brought him to the first pew before Bible study. He told his father he was arriving early to help with setup, something he and Luke would normally do together, but with neither of them reaching out for a conversation, nor a ride, Caleb was here by himself. He was praying for forgiveness and hoping for acceptance. Caleb wondered if God heard his cry, but wondered if He also felt his longing too. Caleb wasn’t sure. His mind wandered, while his head remained motionless on clenched fists, elbows resting on the pew ahead of him. He didn’t notice he had been praying out loud. He also didn’t hear a familiar voice call out his name. So he continued until he couldn’t pray anymore. He opened his eyes and brought himself back to reality.

“Caleb.”

Caleb felt his heart fall to the church floor as he jumped to his right to find Luke at his left.

“Shit, Lu-”, he covered his mouth too late, “I mean, what are you doing here?”

“You thought I was gonna let you do all the work? Damn, you think I’m that selfish?”

A slight chuckle came from both of them, before silence and lost words filled the room.

“You hear any of that?”

“Would it make any difference if I said I did? Would you believe me?”

Caleb knew he wouldn’t. He assumed Luke heard everything and now everything had to be discussed.

“You know, it’s ok,” said Luke.

“What?” Caleb wouldn’t look at him. He knew his face, full of longing and pain, would give it all away.

“You didn’t have to leave like that. It’s ok.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Caleb, Jesus,” Luke exhaled.

“What was I supposed to do, Luke. This shouldn’t have happened.”

“We could’ve talked. Did something else happen? Did I do something wrong?”

Caleb couldn’t stop the tears from welling up. “I’m stuck, Luke. This, you, me, it all felt right. For the first time it felt right and it was all wrong. How are you going tell me you don’t feel that too? Why do you think I haven’t called? What can I say? Fucking you felt right? Do you know who we are?”

“Sure, if that’s your idea of sex”, Luke chuckled. “I mean, I thought we were just messing arou-”

“Not the time to tell me what is or isn’t sex!”

Caleb sat there in the pew. The silence between them intermingled with Caleb’s heavy breathing and runny nose. Luke watched as Caleb’s tears flowed. What could he say? Caleb thought. You’re not going tell me this is fine? I can’t be with you. I ain’t even supposed to be with you, but I want to and it hurts. It just hurts because it feels right, but everything tells me it’s wrong. I’m just lost. I don’t know what to do and I can’t keep feeling like this. I need these feelings to go away. I need you to go away.

Caleb felt a familiar touch on his back. Strong, gentle, and familiar. While lost in his head, he didn’t notice the touch of the boy who always had his back. Luke pulled Caleb closer, until his head rested in Luke’s lap and hugged him close. Caleb let go, resting his burdens on the only other person he felt that he could count on. What he gave to God he also gave to him.

Caleb finally felt the strength to sit up. Eyes now at the same level as Luke’s, he wondered what Luke saw. The air was still and their breathing steady as they faced each other for the first time in the church. Caleb’s eyes settled on the amber of Luke’s eyes and the fullness of his lips. They formed a weak but caring smile. Caleb’s eyes reflected Luke’s own lack of knowledge, but behind them was an assuredness Caleb envied. He felt like Luke, no matter what the situation, just knew himself enough to know what to do — this moment was no different from any other crossroads Luke found himself at.

Luke’s voice was calm and steady. “There’s nothing wrong with who we are. There’s nothing wrong with what we did. You know how your dad always talks about how God knows your heart? There’s no way He would make us and not let us be who we are. I just don’t see it. The Bible says ‘God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him’. That means He’s in you and He’s in me. No one can tell me otherwise.

“Luke, that means nothing. The church doesn’t condone any of this.”

“And? The God I serve wouldn’t leave me just because of how I felt for a boy. If it was true, then that’s not the God for me. Second, stop talking around everything. You don’t have to call it ‘this’. Like it’s bad. It’s not. It felt right. I’ve thought of kissing you for so long, but I never knew for certain how you felt, but you made it easy for me to see what I always wanted and I wanted you”.

Luke took Caleb’s hands into his own. Carefully, he massaged them, using softness to push out the fear. Brown skin meeting brown skin. Luke leaned in towards Caleb, who started to feel the pull of whatever force causes childhood friends to become lovers. Their hands, now warm from each other, unraveled as Luke placed one hand on the back of Caleb’s head and another on his thigh. Slowly, they entered each other’s orbit until their lips were once again acquainted.

“CALEB! Boy, you in there?”

Caleb twisted his face from Luke’s and his body soon followed. The electricity between them no longer existed. What remained was panic. Luke looked on as Caleb, the boy he had known since childhood, slid away from the pew and into the aisle.

“Caleb,” Luke pleaded, with just his name.

Caleb, stood motionless as light from stained glass windows danced around him. He couldn’t muster the words, let alone set his eyes on Luke. So his focus was on the floor, praying for some bit of reprieve from the feelings the boy in front of him incited and yet, praying for a way for both God and him to exist in his life.

“CALEB!” Another full yell from downstairs.

“Luke, I can’t”

With that, Caleb left his best friend, confidant, and the only person who understood him in his favorite pew, as he traveled through the front doors to meet his father. Luke turned away from the entrance of the church and stared at the ground, almost like he was looking for pieces of the heart that was broken by just a few words.