I have recently lost 45 pounds.
By: Sarah Eveline Aldridge
Tags: Health, Happiness, Weight Loss, Body Image, Self Love

A little over 10 years ago, I was 3 days away from my wedding. When my fiancé said the following to me:

“I was hoping that proposing to you might encourage you to lose some weight. Don’t most girls diet before their weddings?”

Now, I don’t share this story to disparage that man. This may not have been one of his shining moments, but this is not about a good man who said something dumb once.

As of today, I weigh less than I did on that day. Which, while awesome, is also not what this is about.

I have had a weird relationship with my body for a very long time. Perhaps it’s because I was molested as a child, or maybe it’s because I was a victim of sexual assault as a teenager (scary to include these two things because I’ve only shared them with a handful of people before), or could it be because my teenage body created life twice (the first pregnancy ending in an excruciating abortion and the second giving me the greatest gift of my life)? Maybe it’s just because, for some reason, for my whole life- I’ve believed the things people said to me? I don’t really know.

What I do know is that I’ve always been disconnected from my body. It experienced things that my heart did not. This is weird. I know my body has experienced trauma, but I don’t always feel like I have. While it’s a strange thing to recognize, I must admit that most days- I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful my body has taken those experiences, that confusion, the pain and wrapped it in a ball so tight and kept it all for itself.

However, this disconnection from my body- resulted in some rollercoaster rides. Fit, not so fit, really, really not fit, pretty darn fit, less fit. Binge eating, juice fasts, extreme calorie restriction, McDonald’s every day, water fasts. It was a never ending cycle of setting unattainable, unreachable goals and plummeting into depression and disappointment when I did not see success. “Well, I didn’t lose 22 pounds this week- might as well eat the whole bag of Oreos.” And believe me, that isn’t that much of a exaggeration. Perfection or nothing. Beauty or despair.

And now we get to what this is actually about.

I’m not perfect, but I’m no longer trying to be.

I’m not claiming some miracle that has given me a healthy body image. I still spend too much time researching the latest cosmetic surgeries and wondering if I should get my lips done and wishing I knew more about makeup and googling ways to get perfect glowing skin. Some days I stress about the things I eat. I beat myself up a bit when I don’t make it to a workout. I care too much what the scale says. And, more often than I should, I stand in front of the mirror and wished I looked different.

But those are only moments. And I snap out of them. And for the first time, the very first time, the efforts I’m making to be a healthier version of me- are because my body deserves it. To be strong and powerful and to move freely and to sweat and to feel exhausted and to be fueled with gorgeous, healthy food. My body deserves that. I choose to care for the limbs and muscles and skin that have protected me for so long.

I’m no longer disconnected, I’m connected.

I’m not perfect, but I’m not trying to be.