What Happens in a Dominance-Submission Relationship?
By: Hermes Solenzol Ph.D.
Tags: Sexuality, Discipline, BDSM, Sex Positive, Dominant Submissive

What Happens in a Dominance-Submission Relationship?

The seven practices of obedience, surrender, service, discipline, punishment, demeanor and mind-fucking lead to the bliss of submission

By now everybody should be familiar with the acronym BDSM. In case you are not, it stands for Bondage, Dominance-Submission, and Sado-Masochism. Yes, there should be two Ss in there, one for Submission and one for Sadism, but they have been condensed into one.

Everybody knows that Bondage consists of tying people up in erotic positions and that sadomasochism is the erotization of pain, but very few people have a clear idea of what happens in Dominance-Submission (commonly abbreviated DS or D/s). There is a vague notion that the Dominant gives orders and the submissive obeys, but it is actually a bit more complicated than that. Here I list seven things that usually form part of a D/s relationship.

D/s and sadomasochism often overlap and a lot of people practice them together. However, some D/s relationships do not use pain and thus have no elements of sadomasochism.

Why do people engage in D/s?

You may be puzzled as to why would anybody give away their freedom to become a submissive or, conversely, how can anybody be so full of themselves as to want to dominate others. A lot of people practice D/s following a deep, spontaneous desire to submit or dominate, as strong as sexual desire and often (but not always) mixed with it. Others are converted to D/s when wanting to please a lover and end up liking it. Being a Dominant or a submissive in a D/s relationship has nothing to do with behaving this way in normal life. Often, the opposite is true: people in leadership roles become submissives as a way to relieve the stress produced by having to make important decisions.

The basics: safe, sane and consensual

D/s is a sharp departure from the principles that guide normal relationships, such as equality, personal autonomy, independence and respect. These values are still present in a D/s relationship but are changed by the fact that the submissive surrenders a great deal of power to the Dominant, so the relationship becomes inherently unequal.

D/s relationships should be safe (no physical damage or adverse health effects), sane (no emotional damage) and consensual (all persons involved have given informed consent to all the activities). This is abbreviated as SSC and it is ensured by previous negotiation, establishing limits and the use of a safeword. Sanity is a particular concern in D/s because these practices can easily lapse into psychological abuse. We need to be watchful for anything that harms the self-esteem of the submissive or that creates psychological dependence. SSC establishes the difference between an ethical D/s relationship and abuse.

Dominance-submission and gender

D/s can happen in any combination of genders, although it may take different styles based on gender differences. Femdom (women dominating men) tend to emphasize the worshipping of the Dominatrix, it is quite strict, and often include chastity or sexual control. Male Dominants focus on the body of their female submissive and tend to be more caring. Gay D/s can be harsh and extreme. Lesbian D/s can take a wide range of styles.

For the sake of simplicity, here I will refer to the Dominant as a man and the submissive as a woman, occasionally explaining some differences in Femdom. Otherwise, what I say can be applied to any gender assignation of the Dominant and submissive roles.

Dominance-submission can be done in scenes or as ongoing relationships

There are many forms of dominance-submission: Master-slave, Daddy-little girl, brat-disciplinarian, domestic discipline, and others. I will describe some of these in future articles.

However, for this discussion I need to point out that there are two levels of commitment or time arrangements in D/s.

In the first, D/s is done for a limited time, usually a few hours, in a “scene”. This theatrical name is apt because this is a sort of pretend game in which the participants take on the roles of Dominant and submissive to weave a common fantasy. They may not be in a relationship but meet casually to “play”. There are people (called “switches”) who are Dominants in some scenes and submissives in others.

In the second, called “24/7”, D/s is ongoing and may be an essential part of a relationship. Some people even object to their D/s being called a game or a fantasy; for them it is real and they feel that being a Dominant or a submissive is an essential part of who they are. These relationships usually develop slowly over a period of time.

There also can be in-between arrangements in which a couple has established roles as Dom and submissive but only adopt them in certain situations, like when having sex.

I have experience in both types of D/s interactions. None is better than the other, but I would advise any newbies to experiment with D/s in scenes before entering an ongoing D/s arrangement.

1 — Obedience

Obedience is, obviously, following the orders of the Dominant. When D/s is done in scenes the orders usually consist of performing or submitting to a sexual act, but they may also be about something trivial (“make me coffee”) or about a particular fetish (“clean my shoes”). Some opportunists see this as a chance to get “free blow-jobs” or having sex without having to satisfy their partner. These posers are quickly exposed because an experienced Dominant works hard to create a situation in which the submissive finds satisfaction in obeying. Giving orders is an art. The Dom has to work inside the fantasy of the submissive and never, ever, break her limits. If the submissive finds that she cannot follow an order, must argue against it or use her safeword, her trust in the Dominant will be undermined.

In 24/7 relationships obedience is more complicated. Here the orders are not just about sex. In domestic discipline, the Dom enforces rules about how to do chores and keep the house in order. Daddies treat their adult submissives like little girls that have to eat their vegetables, do their homework and have a bedtime. A good Dominant chooses very carefully which orders to give, taking into account the needs of the submissive, her limits, and the nature of the relationship. A good strategy is to delimit an area of the submissive’s life that will be under the control of the Dominant; the most obvious being her sexuality. It is generally a bad idea to try to control the professional life or the relationships of the submissive. It is not ethical to bring into the D/s dynamic third persons who have not consented to participate in it, so it is problematic to order a submissive to treat their friends and family in unusual ways.

2 — Surrender

Surrender goes beyond mere obedience; in it the submissive exposes herself physically and mentally to the Dom. A lot of people come to D/s following their fantasies of sexual surrender.

In a D/s scene, the Dom treats the submissive as his sexual plaything, touching her however he pleases, placing her in embarrassing positions, and fucking her the way he wants. Male Dominants control the orgasms of their female submissives, who need to ask permission to cum. The submissive is made aware of the difference between making love and being fucked, and prefers the latter. In Femdom, the submissive is often made to pleasure the Dominatrix without cumming, and can only touch her with her permission.

In 24/7 relationships the sexual surrender becomes more extensive. A common understanding is that the submissive must be sexually available to the Dom at all times. Women are made to wear dresses or skirts without panties to make them aware of this. In Femdom, men are deprived of masturbation, sometimes by locking their penises in cages, so that they can produce an erection of demand.

But surrender goes beyond the realm of the physical: the sub gradually reveals her secret fantasies, fears and desires to the Dom, deepening the intimacy and vulnerability of her submission. Here the Dominant must tread carefully and not judge the submissive when she opens up to him. Shame and guilt are powerful emotions that can damage her self-esteem. If she makes herself vulnerable and then feels that her confidences are being used against her, she will withdraw and put up barriers.

3 — Service

Service is the active counterpart to obedience: the submissive works to please and satisfy the desires of the Dominant by doing things spontaneously. It goes beyond obedience: the sub needs to anticipate the desires of the Dom. From his side, the Dom must be mindful not to inhibit her creativity by being over-controlling. In some cases the submissive would need to ask permission before performing the service or should meekly suggest it. Having a submissive well trained in service allows the Dominant to relax and enjoy the D/s relationship without having to be continuously alert to decide what to do next.

4 — Discipline

Discipline consists of activities used by the Dominant to assert his control over the body and the mind of the submissive.

In a scene, D/s is often combined with sadomasochism to give the submissive pain and pleasure until she becomes pliable. Both pain and pleasure impose themselves on consciousness forcing us to pay attention, so they provide a gateway to the mind of the submissive. If pain is out of the picture, the Dom can order the submissive to disrobe and adopt some exposed positions to get her into the right frame of mind.

In 24/7 relationships, discipline is the training by which the submissive becomes more accomplished at surrendering and servicing the Dom. He may give his submissive a series of tasks and exercises that she must do while being away from him. These can include, for example, sexual exercises like timed masturbation, Kegel pulls or wearing a butt-plug. Non-sexual discipline may include physical exercise, reading assignments, bedtime and wake-up time, diet modifications, writing a diary, etc. For male submissives, chastity and sexual control are widely practiced forms of discipline. Although some discipline exercises can be unpleasant, they are not done for punishment but to help develop a submissive frame of mind and attitude.

5 — Punishment

Punishment is controversial part of D/s. While some reject it, it is a key activity in domestic discipline and other forms of D/s. A lot of people have what I call a “punishment fetish”: they find the idea of being punished or punishing others deeply erotic. However, this applies to an infantilized view of punishment as spankings and other forms of physical punishment, and not to the long jail time that our society uses to deter crime.

In any case, if D/s is based on obedience, service and discipline, there should be consequences if the submissive disobeys or does not perform as expected. The problem here is that, if the submissive enjoys the mere idea of being punished, how can punishment be used to effectively correct her behavior? Wouldn’t she misbehave so that she can enjoy her punishment? Well, it is a bit more complicated than that. A person with a punishment fetish enjoys the whole process, not just the spanking (or whatever the punishment is): having to recognize that she has done something wrong, the humiliation of suffering a punishment, the forgiveness after the punishment, and her commitment to not misbehave again. All this is done with utmost sincerity and involves a big emotional turmoil.

The punishment fetish may come from the release from guilt and shame that are brought about by punishment. By delegating metering out punishment to the Dom, the submissive frees herself from remorse and psychological self-punishment. Then, paradoxically, the chastisement is experienced as relief. To help with this, the meaning of punishment has to be carefully explored, emphasizing its healing value as catharsis and atonement. The submissive should be explicitly prohibited from punishing herself. It is also important that the punishment ends with a time of aftercare, in which the forgiveness of the Dom encourages the sub to forgive herself. She has accepted her weaknesses and witnessed the power of her Dom over her, and hopefully has become a stronger person and a better submissive.

6 — Demeanor

Demeanor is the way in which the submissive dresses, carries herself and behaves in order to express a submissive attitude. If you see a couple when they are in-role as Dominant and submissive, you will notice some peculiar vibe. In a BDSM party, the Dominant would be fully dressed in leather, metal studs or a power suit, while the submissive would be partially or fully naked, wearing cuffs and anklets or erotic clothes like stockings, garter belts or lace bras and panties. One of the more powerful signs to convey submission is the collar, which often is made of leather and resembles a dog collar, but can also be made of metal or even be a jewelry piece. Certain types of D/s relationships, like domestic discipline, reject fetish clothing, but you can tell their roles by the way they talk and move: the submissive will be serving, while the Dominant gives her orders in a way that would be normally considered rude.

Not all submissives have the same demeanor; each one expresses in a different way what submission means to them. Some submissives are meek and subservient, looking down, walking behind the Dom him, and speaking only when asked. Other submissives may be bratty, proudly lifting their chin, challenging the Dom, and freely speaking their mind. The appropriate demeanor emerges from the personality of the submissive and is polished through training to produce a poise that conveys the depth and beauty of the D/s relationship. Different demeanors are equally valid. They simply represent different styles of surrender, service and discipline.

7 — Mind-fucking

Mind-fucking is the most difficult element of D/s. It consists of mind games that the Dominant plays with the submissive to weave their collective fantasy and bring her to a state of defeat and surrender. It may as simple as teasing the submissive about her desires. It may also consist of pretend anger — real anger is an emotion that is difficult to control, so the Dom should not engage in a D/s interaction while he is angry.

Other instances of mind-fucking involve some elaborate mind games that are the culmination of the six other D/s activities. They require superb creativity on the part of the Dom. However, without the willful collaboration of the submissive, the process would fail. Mind-fucking is not so much something that the Dom does to the sub as something that they create together. No matter how skillful the Dominant, it is impossible for him to mind-fuck the submissive if she doesn’t surrender or if she lacks the discipline to cooperate.

Here are some examples of mind-fucking:

Attention games: doing something that requires skill and concentration, like serving tea following a precise ritual. The submissive will earn praise if she succeeds or be chastised if she fails. Impossible tasks: similar to the attention game but the task is so difficult that the submissive is doomed to failure. Alternatively, there is a particular twist that she doesn’t know that would make her fail. Submission is demonstrated by attempting the task even when knowing it is impossible and by accepting failure with grace. Embarrassing tasks: doing something that requires overcoming shame or shyness. Predicament: the submissive has to choose between two punishments or two unpleasant disciplines. Sometimes there is a trick and one of the choices is better than the other. Or the choice that appears to be the better one turns out to be the worse. Trust games: the submissive is asked to do something scary or embarrassing that requires the Dom to protect her. Pretend danger: the submissive is put in a situation that makes her feel vulnerable, but she is not in real danger because the Dom is controlling the situation.

There are no recipes for mind-fucking, it needs to be tailored to the personality of the submissive. A good strategy is to find her points of resistance, her inner conflicts, and having her face them. Needless to say, a great deal of caution and skill are necessary. The Dom needs to give the sub his full attention, focusing completely on reading her reactions. If successful, this can produce a spark of self-discovery, even self-transformation.

The reward: sub-space

Submission is a path that starts with a vague desire to surrender. At its end there is a jewel that satisfies this desire: a coveted mental state called “sub-space”. In fact, there are several emotional states and altered states of consciousness that receive that name. Some of these arise in response to pain during sadomasochistic activities. Properly speaking, sub-space is the one attained by submitting and is a state of bliss, devotion and profound emotional connection with the Dominant. It is normally attained after a good scene, but it can also become the background of a satisfying D/s relationship. But, as with other things in life, what matters is the journey and not the destination.

In previous articles I explored the motives behind Dominance-submission

and the boundaries between BDSM and abuse