7 Self-Loving Lessons I’ve Learned Since Being Single
By: Carolyn Riker
Tags: Relationships, Divorce, This Happened To Me, Self Love, Self-awareness

7 Self-Loving Lessons I’ve Learned Since Being Single

Photo by Rodolfo Sanches Carvalho on Unsplash

The best thing I have done for myself is to take the last 8 years off from any romantic relationship. This 8-year hiatus wasn’t exactly intentional but came about after my 20-year marriage ended.

The hardest thing was coping with a heavy load of shame, failure, insecurity, and self-doubts.

However, on the outside I kept things going. Went to work, kept up the house, mowed the grass, took care of the kids, made sure everything ran smoothly. While on the inside, I was pretty messed up. I needed answers to get myself together.

Self-care and self-love are hard to do when you haven’t been taught that you matter, that your ideas are important, that your sensitivity isn’t wrong. At first, I pulled back from nearly everyone including friends and family because I needed the silence. I didn’t fully understand that at the time but thinking back on it, I had way too many people telling what to do, why didn’t I do more, and when was I going to start dating again.

But for once I needed to heal in my own way and fortunately during this time I did find a few trustworthy guides who didn’t step on my process but allowed me to flourish.

“That the real work ‘to be done’ is to finally accept that this kind of relationship is impossible, or not in your best interest. After all, a relationship is not meant to be an endurance test.” — Jeff Brown

#1. I reclaimed my space.

Over a year into our separation, I was still sleeping in the guestroom.

Until one day, a friend incredulously blurted out:

“What do you mean you are still sleeping in the guestroom? OMG! Get out of there. Reclaim the main bedroom. Move out the old shit and add your stuff. Rearrange it. Do whatever you want with that room.”

Literally, the next day, I walked into the main bedroom and it hit me.

This room was no longer ours. It is mine. All of it.

I spent the entire day cleaning and moved my stuff into the space.

That night was probably the best night of sleep I had had in the twenty years we were together.

#2. I didn’t fail my marriage. I grew.

“Every difficult love relationship is an opportunity for transformation. But that doesn’t mean you have to stay. Sometimes the learning is in the leaving, the realizing that you are not where you belong, the recognition that you no longer have the energy for a labor-intensive ‘woundmate’ dynamic.” — Jeff Brown

My marriage didn’t fail. Instead, it taught me I matter. As a matter of fact, my mistakes have taught me more about life than my successes.

One of my biggest realization was I rarely spoke up and when I did, I was ignored. So, I got into a deadly habit of pleasing. I became a chameleon to adapt to his needs.

I’d go along with our plans even if I strongly disagreed and would have preferred a quiet night at home. In a way I was erasing myself and ignoring my needs just as much as my marriage was.

However, I now know my opinions, thoughts, likes, and dislikes are just as real and important as his were.

#3. Letting go of “Two shall become one”.

“Two shall become one” is misleading. A marriage is a partnership. I realized I don’t want to become one. I want to keep who I am as well as to grow together.

For me, an intimate relationship needs to be nurturing, kind, soft, and thoughtful. And above all respectful.

Of course, there will be disagreements and it won’t be easy, but I want to be with someone willing to work through the bumps and to be upfront with our respective needs. This is essential to make it work.

Back then it never occurred to me that I could be with someone who will dream with me about us and each other. Now I know I want a partner who will share our ups and downs and truly express what is happening in their world, listen to mine, as well as us as a team.

#4. I learned to speak up.

From my past experiences, I had no idea how to have an argument. My standard way was to let things build up inside of me, while trying to keep the peace.

A bit of advice? This doesn’t work and isn’t sustainable. Everyone in a relationship needs to feel safe and respected for their opinions, ideas, likes and dislikes. Otherwise, a lot of little resentments become deadly. And in my situation, I rarely shared those resentments.

#5. Acknowledging what I wish I would have said.

This is what I wish I would have said more often when I felt exhausted, grumpy, or bored.

Example A:

“No. You absolutely can’t go on a business trip. I just had surgery a day ago for endometriosis, and it will be so hard to take care two young children. It is too much for me and not safe.”

Instead, I said, “Sure! Go ahead. We’ll be fine. I made extra meals before my surgery. I can have them play inside while I rest on the sofa.”

I wanted to prove to him and to myself, my surgery wasn’t a big deal, and I wasn’t weak and how I could power through the pain while taking care of a 5- and 7-year-old. OMG!!! What was I thinking?

Example B:

“I’d love to go to on a vacation with you, however three days in Italy and back isn’t a vacation for me. This is torture. I’d be swirling from jetlag.”

We went anyway.

“Three days in Italy” will likely be a memoir at some point.

Romantic? Yes, but not necessarily because of my ex. While at dinner on our second night, I fell in love with Mr. Sommelier. Honestly, nothing happened. It was all in my delirious sleep deprived imagination, but Mr. Sommelier was so dreamy. He pulled my chair out for me to sit down and kept bringing me wine. I imagined he would take off my heels and rub my feet if we weren’t in a restaurant.

In truth, when I got chilly, Mr. Sommelier brought me a gorgeous ruby colored wool shawl. I had an emotional orgasm.

Somehow my ex managed to get us a tour of the wine cellar, which was divine since Mr. Sommelier was our guide who held my arm going down a narrow staircase of granite while talking about wine, wine, wine.

#6. What I did then and what I am learning to do better.

Instead of speaking up in my marriage I internalized my resentments, thoughts, disagreements, anger, and hurts. Over the last 8 years I realize those were microtraumas that built up inside of me. I internalized them, and each one showed up as stomachaches, headaches, and backaches.

On rare occasions I’d blurt out all sorts of angry shit and it was often over something exceptionally small like a missing sock. This made me look and feel crazy, especially when told, “What’s your problem? It’s just a sock! Are you on your period again?”

And of course, labeled, ‘too emotional,’ ‘overreacting’ and ‘what has gotten into you?’

My biggest discovery is to speak up when something isn’t right, or if I disagree, or when I have a strong feeling and opinion.

#7. I accept who I am.

I’ve always known something was different about me as an introvert but during this 8-year hiatus I discovered I was also a highly sensitive person.

Dr. Elaine Aron, psychologist, researcher, and founder of the highly sensitive person trait summarizes it as this: “Your trait is normal. It is found in 15 to 20% of the population-–too many to be a disorder, but not enough to be well understood by the majority of those around you.”

What I also learned is I’m not strange to need copious amounts of quiet. Therefore, I can see why I love to garden, enjoy naps, read, write, and when possible will spend countless hours alone. There’s nothing wrong with me needing solitude, taking walks, puttering, and listening to music.

During my marriage I endured large parties which exhausted me. Every weekend we went to multiple big box grocery stores which was torture for me. Vacations were short trips to distant places and that nearly killed me.

The point is, I didn’t speak up and say, this is too much for me! Why? Because I didn’t know how to. I didn’t think I could and when I tried, I was often shushed and shamed. It is all too common, but as a female, I was conditioned to satisfy everyone else but my own needs. Not anymore!

My deepest takeaway

The last 8 years of being single has been about listening to my needs. For once I am in the spotlight, a quiet one but nonetheless a spotlight filled with self-respect.

An intimate, respectful and caring relationship with our self is important so when and if we do decide to be in a relationship, we will have better boundaries and the courage to speak up and be our own person. Taking care of our own needs, is equally as important to honoring our partner’s needs.

Those who suggest relationships are easy are misleading; it’s not simple. Relationships are challenging as well as growing and loving when we both accept and express our true self to each other.

“Intimacy starts with mutuality and respect. There is neither exploitation by abuse of power nor betrayal of trust. Passion flows from vulnerability and care — and is a function of the soul. Intimacy relies on safety and patience. Healthy intimacy usually has no secrets….Intimacy pushes partners to grow. Conflicts that arise in intimacy result in negotiation and a clear understanding about fair fighting. Consistency and vulnerability create more of the epic than the episodic.” — Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. and Bonnie Phillips, Ph.D.

Relationships are about companionship and respecting our individual differences, and allowing for interdependency as well as independence. We see each other’s worth and find admiration in the roots of our similarities and honor our differences too.