It’s Time To Understand Your Son Is Human
By: Caitlin Homer
Tags: Parenthood, Children, Parenting Advice, Raising Boys, Raising Children

The Damage Cannot Be Undone

As a woman, I have come across many grown men in my short time of life, and let me express to you that it is so disheartening to realize how many can not control, handle or express their emotions properly. These men are damaged, something went wrong along the way. They weren’t taught how to cope, how to express feelings in a healthy way. And that all starts at home in their youth.

I live in the South, where men believe their boys should be men by the age of 2. No coddling, no consoling, or you’re simply, essentially ruining your boy. It’s seemed to be believed that he will never learn how to be a “man” if you’re trying to help them understand and navigate their emotions.

Most times us as partners are doubling as saviors. They don’t know how to handle emotions, and we are left as the ones they come to, to try and undo the damage, to “save” them. The little things that are just that to me, are massive holes in the road for them. I wasn’t “babied”, I was taught and I learned from a young age how to navigate how I’m feeling. I learned how to use my words to express my emotions. Those who are not simply shut down because that’s what they know, and the truth of the matter is, we stick to what we know. We go with what is familiar.

They Have Feelings

These boys are no different than any other human being. Just like me and you. They feel sad, they feel angry, they feel excited, frightened, all of the emotions, as they should. For all children, emotions run high. They are as big as waves and as parents, we are the ones who have to teach them how to surf.

It’s vital that we help teach our children more than just how to tie their shoes, or how to write. They need to know how to express themselves and handle their emotions with words. It’s not a secret that bottles can only hold so much. You can’t fill them with more than they can hold or they will spill over. Drop a Mentos in a Coca-Cola bottle and it will become a volcano.

I have 3 boys, one of whom is now 5 and we struggle daily with emotions. We just recently introduced him to soccer and he was a little anxiety ridden child who had a complete meltdown. Just like liquid in a bottle, there was only so much that he could hold until everything started to spill over. It was hard for us as parents to get him off the field and out of the situation in order to calm him down. In our mind, it’s just soccer. What is there truly to be afraid of? How come a simple soccer practice triggered so much emotion? To him, in his mind, it was so much more than that. He was surrounded with new, unfamiliar faces and asked to preform with those faces all looking in his direction. He was the center of attention with those around him that he didn’t know. That was scary.

Listening Is The Key

This key unlocks the real problem and trust is part of the equation. Just as we adults do, children stick to the things they know best. They are comfortable with what is familiar. We, as parents, build that trust from the very beginning. The womb is where it all begins. From that moment on, they learn your voices, they learn your smells and how the beating of your heart sounds. They know you and they trust you. When babies cry, they are trying to tell you something is wrong and they trust that you will be there to fix it, to help them. Eventually, they learn how to speak, then those cries for their needs, become words. They can now tell you what they need, and what’s hurting them. Instinctively, you listen to all the demands your child(ren) will throw at you on a daily basis. Their emotions come along with that.

They express everything. All of their needs, all of their hearts desires and we listen. We listen to all of the whining and complaining of boredom, all the complaints they have because their sibling has a toy that they want. But are we lending an ear to listen in on the things that frighten them. By now you know that I’m not talking about the monsters they fear that could be under the bed.

Ask The Question

You’re in the store and the meltdown ensues because you denied them the toy, or the candy bar. It’s frustrating. Every one around you is gawking at the scene playing out. All you can really think about is, “I’m ready to get out of here.”. When you make it back to the vehicle, it’s hard to stop and tell yourself, “Ask the question.”. Most times all you really want to say is “That’s enough.” and sometimes you will. Whether you wait until you arrive home or have the conversation in the car, it is important to remember that although these emotions, these meltdowns, are senseless to you, they are waves to small children. Put your listening cap on, and then teach them how to surf.

Children Are Children

If you have made it this far, you know that I mentioned earlier in this article that I have 3 boys. I just recently had my last child and only daughter. To me, having a daughter now only means that I get to buy pink dresses, bows and all the glittery items. I don’t see my sons or my daughter any differently from each other. I have always instilled “use your words” into my boys and I will do the same with my daughter. But if it wasn’t an issue that I have come to find in my short life, I wouldn’t be here, writing this article in the first place.

No matter what gender you’re given for a child, your parenting should not waver. You’re not going to fail your son by not teaching him to “be a man” at a young age. You’re teaching him to be a well rounded human, a well rounded citizen in our society. Someone’s father, friend, uncle, brother. He will be teaching others by his actions, lending a shoulder, a listening ear. That starts at home.