New Year’s Resolutions to Fix Your Old Failed Ones
By: Ginny Hogan
Tags: Resolutions, Humor, New Year Resolution, Life, New Year

The best thing about 2020 is that we all had a perfect excuse for not actualizing any of our New Year’s resolutions. I got a head start, in fact, by dropping all of mine by the end of January, long before shutdowns set in.

However, if you’re someone who stays committed to keeping the resolutions going every year, you may find that sometimes, you take one step forward and two steps back (which reminds me of my 2018 resolution: Learn to waltz).

Here are a few resolutions I’m making this year to cancel out the negative effects of the ones in the past.

1. Cancel the online yoga membership

I’ve been paying $125/month and only used it once (as ambient noise when brushing my teeth, which I also did once). I somehow thought continuing to pay an exorbitant amount for exercise would make the year feel more “normal.”

2. Delete the 49 apps I downloaded to help me use my phone less.

According to screen time statistics, I spend 3.2 hours/day on those apps. That’s pathetic. I could be using all that time to scroll Instagram.

3. Don’t call my mom every day.

She’s explicitly told me not to. Do, however, call her right now because I need a place to stay and some money.

4. Pay back the $452 I owe to the public library.

No one told me how expensive it would be to read more books. In my defense, these were all books I checked out in the first two months of the year, and then the libraries shut down, so I couldn’t return them. Well, I know the drop boxes were still open, but it felt too risky.

5. Stop stopping to smell flowers.

My allergies are out of control, and you can’t sniff anything through the mask anyway.

6. Wake up before noon, once.

The one resolution I really crushed during 2020 was getting more sleep. Sadly, this goes from uplifting to depressing pretty quickly. I had a lot of time to sleep this year, and now it’s time to get back into the habit of being awake, sometimes.

7. Don’t go the extra mile.

In this case, it means don’t get a second medical opinion. I don’t need to find the world’s leading expert on IBS. It’s enough just switching to eating cheese with every meal but not for every meal. Besides, going to the doctor puts me at a higher risk for Covid.

8. Don’t tell people exactly how I feel.

For instance, my boss who’s currently firing me doesn’t need to know that I stole all the colored pencils because I resent the company so much.

9. Reintroduce gluten.

But do so slowly because it turns out I was never allergic to it, but now that I cut it out, I am. Besides, without a job, I can’t afford more expensive bread.

10. Hang onto possessions for longer than a week.

Yes, Marie Kondo made some great points, but I actually should keep those colored pencils, joy or no joy — maybe I can start selling art. I hear Etsy is booming this year.

11. Stop tweeting out all my funny thoughts.

I’m not funny, and I think I’ve proven that I’m brave. Brave enough to not research the negative effects of putting controversial statements out into the ether.

12. Dump my boyfriend.

I have never been attracted to him but felt compelled to move in with him since all my sorority sisters have gotten engaged (and out of necessity). But now he wants me to “pay rent.” How dare he — we’re in a pandemic.

13. Consider reinstating yoga membership.

I’ll need a little peace of mind, now that I’m back with my mom, and we’re looking at another year of Covid.