This Possessed Cabin Needs Five Blood Sacrifices but Sarah Bailed Last Minute
By: Jessie White Under Five
Tags: Halloween, Comedy Writing, Satire, Quarantine, Comedy

Well, it can’t be more awkward than this but there’s no going back now.

I mean that literally. It’s physically impossible for us to leave Chad’s cabin in the woods.

The storm of blood rain completely flooded the only road out of town. That’s not even mentioning the numerous flesh-eating zombies that keep popping up every time we try to get the s’mores going in the back. Chad says that this is all new to him, that he “doesn’t know what the hell is happening!”

Chad also said there was going to be a lake but I see a duck pond at best.

I don’t think you’re supposed to swim in that thing, except the undead family that crawled out of the depths about an hour ago did well. They’re getting pretty obnoxious. They’re loudly snarling, screaming, chewing at the porch steps and stuff.

So yeah, this trip has been pretty lame. Especially since we found out the possessed cabin needs five blood sacrifices and Sarah bailed last fucking minute.

She didn’t even give us an excuse, she just said that she had a “really weird feeling about it.” I wish I could say that she was right and she dodged a bullet here (the zombies found guns) but she used the same excuse for Lana’s St Patty’s party and my Ugly Sweater party last year.

She better not think that she’s still invited to my Halloween party. She’d probably see the decorations and have a “weird feeling” about them. That’s the point, Sarah, you can’t let your whack-ass intuition spell everything out for you just because you’re a Pisces.

She’s useless.

Now the strange voices from the basement and dead family outside are getting louder and I don’t know what the plan is for the night. Like, are we still trying to play beer pong? Doesn’t seem like it.

All I know is that ever since Gary (Gary sucks) read that Latin from that gross book in the cellar, the vibe has been off. Who reads Latin anymore? Gary. Who forgot to look at the picture of five people being torn limb from limb by a demon? Gary.

Who forgot that Sarah bailed last minute? Fucking Gary.

Gary is trying to act like it’s not his fault because we were all in the same high school Spanish class, but who sounds out Latin for fun? Fuckin’ Merlin? Nope, just Gary. And now we don’t have enough blood sacrifices to stop “the end of all time” or whatever Gary was reading about.

As I said, Gary sucks.

Lana died within the first 5 minutes of the blood rain by slipping and cracking her head open on the porch steps. She’s such a drunk. I don’t even really blame the blood rain for that one.

Oh my god, this banging is obnoxious, it’s so distracting. My phone has a 2% battery and this cabin barely gets any WIFI. What was Chad’s family thinking?

Wait…where is Chad?

Whatever. Honestly, at this point, I’m hoping these monsters just tear the door down already so Gary can finally stop babbling in the corner. Plus, if this ends already Sarah can feel like the piece of shit she is for bailing at the last minute.

I mean, how many strikes can you give a girl? Sarah’s actually responsible for Armageddon, and I’m not even referring to that time she ruined Lana’s 21st birthday by leaving early with Lana’s cousin.

Welp, Gary’s gone. The idiot thought it was a good idea to stand right in front of a window, where he proceeded to get dragged out and decapitated. Like, instantly. He’s lucky I didn’t kill him first, his helpless wails we’re starting to get on my last nerve.

I just tried ordering an uber but they’re doing surge pricing right now which is total bullshit. I get it, it’s raining, but adding $20 at 4 pm? As if.

I’d rather go try to steal Chad’s truck out there and give it a shot. It’s technically his dad’s car but he’s not in any position to really give me crap about it taking it, what with the apocalypse occurring pretty shortly.

Plus, Sarah literally crashed her dad’s car just because she didn’t want to come to brunch last month. You can’t get any worse than that, literally getting into an accident to flake on us?

Like, just say you don’t want to come, you know?

The zombies outside communicate better than all these bitches.

Might as well go hang out with them.