Self-Sabotage
By: Jake Kahana
Tags: Coaching, Self-awareness, Resistance, Self Sabotage

Hey friend,

Since Halloween, Lauren and I have been hiding a giant bag of candy in our dresser to make sure that Golda wouldn’t find and eat it all. And because of that, I’ve been eating a piece of candy or two every day. I don’t want to. But I do.

Here I am, going back day after day for a Crunch or Almond Joy. That’s right. Not even the good candy. One minor slip has devolved into a complete backslide.

Given the circumstances of the year, maybe I should be more forgiving. Reflecting on my 2020 goals, I notice that a majority of the big ones are not complete. But because I couldn’t travel abroad, run in a race, or take an in-person training I’ve somehow given myself permission to slack off on other goals.

Maybe a lot of us are feeling like that. That a few slips this year has let us take ourselves completely off the hook to do the things we hoped or planned to do. Sure, we also need to be self-compassionate. It’s ok that we didn’t push ourselves this year– global crises are not the best time to start (or finish) that novel.

But let’s talk about what’s going on here. Self-sabotage. It’s not good for us but we all do it. Let’s go…

5 Possible Reasons We Prevent Our Own Success

After some research and personal reflection, I’ve distilled the reasons why we self-sabotage into 5 categories. Knowing we all get in our own way, it might be helpful to see which ones resonate and to catch it while it’s happening.

The Need for Control

Sometimes I choose to pull the plug on something just to control the outcome. While I may have a fear of failure, I fear even more not knowing what will happen at the end of this project/interview/relationship. It’s scary to just throw myself at the fates and see what happens. Control feels safe, even if it means I fail.

False Beliefs

I may tell myself that I’m unworthy or undeserving. (AKA Imposter syndrome– that I don’t believe I should get what I have or don’t belong in a place of power or influence). I may believe that the things I want are meant for someone else. So rather than prove myself wrong and get it, I hold onto those beliefs and make myself fail, proving that I’m right.

Buying Into Myths of Success

We’ve heard that the road to success should be hard. So when I come up with an idea that works or grows quickly, I feel the need to dig in my heels and make things more challenging for myself because wins should take hard work.

Valuing Other People’s Opinion Before Our Own

We never really work on self-evaluation. We give our homework to our teacher to grade, we put work in front of classmates and friends and executives to judge. So we get used to trusting outside opinions first. The voices that we hear in our heads almost always start as voices outside our heads. So the doubt and insecurity I feel began as criticism from my friends, parents, teachers, and bosses. If I could just get better at listening to my own opinion and trusting that what I’m doing is good, maybe I wouldn’t feel the need to doubt myself.

Choosing Harmful Behavior That Previously Helped Us

I seek bad habits because they once worked. Like food for comfort, candy for reward, alcohol as escape, procrastination as motivation. These things may have had benefits when I first tried them, but then harm me over time when I’m seeking success and require focus and discipline.

Any of these sound familiar?

On Going To Bed Too Late

There’s an episode of Seinfeld (S5E3 FTR) where, in the opening monologue, Jerry discusses this idea of delaying sleep. He’s night guy and he loves to stay up late. And what about getting up after 5 hours of sleep with a hangover? Oh that’s morning guy’s problem.

Staying up too late is a form of self-sabotage.

There are two main theories why we stay up too late for our own good. Both are subconscious, we don’t always know the reasons we do things or can explain them.

One theory goes that in childhood, we romanticize the late night. That’s what being an adult is about– staying up late and doing whatever it is adults do. Parties and eating and drinking and socializing. All the magic and excitement happens at night. And we’re exploring the thrill of the night…even if it just means doom scrolling in bed next to our partners.

Another theory states that we don’t see future versions of ourselves as us. We see them as someone else entirely. So Seinfeld wasn’t so far off with this idea of night guy and morning guy. But there are more. Young guy doesn’t see the urgency to save money so old guy can retire. Hungry guy leaves fat guy with the calories.

One way to overcome this theory is to introduce our current self to our future self. Write a reflection about life in the future, looking back on today. Or write a letter to a future self. (Futureme.org is a great site for this).

Going to bed too late is a form of self-sabotage.

For whatever reason we choose to stay up, we may help ourselves by finding virtues and excitement in the morning. To create rituals or activities that we look forward to in the daylight. And to introduce our night self to our day self not as opposites or enemies, but as the same person.

The Opposite of Self-Sabotage

Every Saturday morning for the last year, I take about 10 minutes to water my plants. I don’t have that many (although that depends on who you ask; less than 10 if you’re curious). There’s something meaningful learning how each plant is doing and having a ritual to care for them. I’m creating conditions for them to grow and flourish (I haven’t killed a plant in over 2 years).

It’s not far off from being a parent. I read an article this week about that analogy. It references a new book called “The Gardner and The Carpenter.” The premise is that some parents are gardeners– carefully creating conditions for optimal development. And some are carpenters, trying to craft and shape their children.

The article discusses one of the theories author Allison Gopnik explores in the book, on love and care. Most of us believe that we take care of people and things because we love them. We visit our grandparents and make soup for our sick friends because we love them. But Gopnik believes the opposite is true.

We develop love for something because we cared for it.

When we mend our clothes. Or put together IKEA furniture. Visit friends in challenging times. Cook for our family. Nurture an infant. That’s when the bond forms.

So where am I going with all this?

I believe that the opposite of self-sabotage is self care.

We may self-sabotage because we don’t want to deal with the consequences of success, or because we want to be in control, or because we believe things should be hard. But we don’t spend enough time taking care of ourselves.

Self-care is about listening to ourselves, giving ourselves rest and solitude, treating ourselves to our favorite thing because it’s been a hard year (or hard day, or heck, just because we DO deserve nice things).

’Tis the season for self-care. For rest. For self-compassion. For self-forgiveness. For reminding ourselves that we are deserving of all we have and more.

When we take care of ourselves, we can get out of our own way, and create space for love.

Thank You

Thanks for opening the email refrigerator this month and poking around inside. As ever.

If you enjoyed this, feel free to send it along to someone else who might.

And if you’re inspired or feeling curious, I’d love to hear a reply with what you’re thinking about or what this made you think about.

Wishing you a restful December and a safe and healthy one, too. Please stay at home as much as you can and wear a mask when you go out. These days, that’s part of taking care of yourself and taking care of each other.

And now you know one more good reason why.

With gratitude,

Jake