Millennials are Using these 3 Genius New Side Hustles to Make Rent this Month
By: The Desperate Houseslave
Tags: Satire, Humor, Side Hustle, Finance, Humanity

We’ve all been there.

The rent is due the day after tomorrow, and you spent your last dollar on Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream down at Walgreen’s.

You didn’t even go to Harps.

You could have saved 87 cents, but no. You sensed yourself spiraling down into desperation and ruin and you just decided to go with it, like a manatee drifting in with the tide to beach itself upon the sandy shores of economic ineptitude.

You’re drowning, gasping for air in a current financial climate which doesn’t allow for frivolities like ice cream.

The zeitgeist is rooting for you to choke on your fucking Phish Food and die, but even if you do, you’ll still have to make rent.

Rent doesn’t just stop when you throw in the life-towel.

What will you do?

You literally don’t have any plasma left to sell, and the parking lot outside your apartment is already full of the nearly-homeless searching for coins amidst the wreckage of cigarette butts and gum wrappers.

The half-melted blacktop is hot with hopelessness and human decay.

It’s a jungle out there.

Well, never fear. Even though you’re disgustingly irresponsible (did you really need to buy tampons this month?), we’ve still got your back. That’s why we’ve compiled this list of the 3 ways to make rent this month.

Keep in mind that this is not simply a list of 3 ways to make rent this month. It is a list of THE 3 ways to make rent this month.

Let’s face it: nobody wants to buy your outdated clothes on eBay.

Your town isn’t full of rich nerds hoping to get their grubby hands on your childhood deck of Pokemon cards, even if you do have a holographic Mewtwo.

You could have 879 garage sales, and you still wouldn’t manage to sell your grandmother’s vintage (re: dusty) 2001 Foot Spa.

You are Bed, Bath, and Beyond broke.

These are your only options, you financially incompetent manatee. If you’re not okay with them, you shouldn’t have been such a Chunky Monkey.

1. Prostitute Yourself

We know what you’re thinking: I’m way too ugly to prostitute myself.

If you were attractive, you wouldn’t be in this situation. Everyone knows that attractive people don’t have financial problems.

You’re ugly.

The good news is, there’s somebody way uglier out there, and there is a chance that that person will pay you to have sex with them.

This might seem drastic at first. But think about it. All you have to do is have sex with a truly horrific random stranger, and all your problems could go away.

You’ll still be poor, but your poverty is the direct result of your own mistakes anyway.

The least you could do is fix the rent situation by yourself.

Go on. This is America.

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.

We’ll be real with you. You may have to have sex with several people for money, because it’s highly unlikely that one dude will pay $900 so you can stay another month in your shitty north side studio apartment.

That apartment isn’t even close to downtown.

The most you’ll be able to get in this economy is $80 per lay.

Be prepared to haggle. Get started ASAP.

You only have two days.

2. Rob a Bank

If you’re not prepared to sell your body, you’ll have to rob a bank to make rent this month.

This may seem even more extreme, but your Etsy crafts aren’t going to cut it.

Robbing a bank is the way to go, especially if you lack the bedroom skills necessary to hammer out an $80 session which will leave all parties satisfied.

And let’s face it: You don’t have any bedroom skills. People who are good in bed don’t have financial problems.

But you know who else never has financial problems? Bank robbers.

Go ahead. Steal your rent money.

If this terrifies you, you’re not alone. Everyone gets scared their first time. It’s only natural to be nervous.

If you find yourself lacking motivation, picture the alternative:

You’re late with the rent.

The landlord comes in gestapo-style, hurling melted tubs of Phish Food at you, the pathetic missiles of your own destruction which only yesterday gave you that sweet and empty happiness which only instant gratification can bestow.

Today, they will be your downfall.

Unless you rob that bank so you can pay your landlord. Otherwise, he might come into your house while you sleep.

It’s happened before. You only pay $900 a month for the flat, so what do you really expect?

Total privacy?

Don’t be a tool.

Make the smart choice, and be quick about it.

You only have two days.

3. Murder Your Landlord

If you don’t feel comfortable with prostitution or bank robbery, murder is an attractive alternative.

With murder, you’ll really get to stick it to the man — quite literally, as you’ll be doing your murdering with a knife.

Your rent is due in two days, so there’s no time to plan a poisoning.

Likewise, a gun is too loud. Plus, you don’t have one anyway, or you’d be able to sell it and pay your fucking rent, wouldn’t you?

Everyone knows that people who own firearms don’t have financial problems.

A knife it is. There’s one under the sink in the bathroom, remember? You keep it there because your landlord keeps coming in while you sleep to use the Foot Spa, and you know that, but hey — you get a great price. Especially for living right on a bus route.

What do you have to complain about?

Nothing, really. But that is your damn Foot Spa.

Think about it:

If you kill your landlord, you’ll go to prison.

Prison is the end-all goal, because:

1) There is no rent

2) There is free food

3) Blankets galore

Even though you’ll technically be moving house, you’ll be able to justify it to your parents with an offhand remark about gentrification.

They’ll support your decision to go to prison, and you won’t have to worry about paying rent ever again.

Think you’re too good of a person to commit murder?

Well, have we got news for you.

You aren’t a good person at all.

Good people don’t have financial problems. You’re a budget buffoon, a lazy lump looking for a handout just like all the other schmucks who decided to buy groceries this month.

Are you going to fail at life, languishing on the beach like the manatee you are, or will you Make That Rent?

You literally have no other choice, so go ahead.

Get your side hustle on.