The 3 Types of Walls we Put up to Protect Ourselves
By: Liz Fair
Tags: Life Coach, Authenticity, Feminism, Women Empowerment, Self Help

And what they reveal about us.

As a female empowerment coach, I work with many women on reclaiming the truth that contrary to what society has taught us, our womanhood is not a handicap and that our SOFTNESS is one of our greatest STRENGTHS! (I do this in my signature program: Soften into Strength.)

A big part of this reclamation is helping my clients identify and slowly bring down the walls they’ve created around themselves for protection, approval, and validation — so that they can begin to really take up space in their lives, fully expressed in who they are beyond what they’ve been told that they “should” or “could” be.

Each wall serves a slightly different purpose, but all of them lead to the same end — the person behind it shrinking & hiding who they truly are. Read below to learn about each type of wall, and what they tend to say about the person who uses them.

1.BARBED WIRE

(Actively trying to keep people out).

This is USUALLY what we imagine when we think of someone who has “walls”. When someone has this wall up, they tend to walk around with their arms crossed, head down, & avoid eye contact at all costs.

These walls give off a very tangible “do not approach” or “I don’t give a f*ck” energy.

The people who have these walls up often lean on sarcasm & dry humor to deflect from being vulnerable.

This happens for a variety of reasons, but one big reason is that since they are so sensitive they can be really fearful of being hurt emotionally, so they put up a tough exterior to avoid that hurt.

Another common reason is that we’ve been conditioned as a whole to believe that being “sensitive” or “emotional” is a negative quality to have. We feel like it somehow makes us “less than” — so oftentimes a person will put up a really hard exterior to give the illusion that they don’t care, that they can’t be hurt, or that they’re much tougher than any single person actually is.

In reality — these people are our wise counselors & impactful leaders.

When these people let their walls down, they are highly empathetic, supportive, & non-judgmental. Their presence & support can feel so safe because they would never dream to belittle your emotions or experiences, since they understand them intimately.

Their empathy and ability to understand that no one is perfect, makes them incredible leaders. Their compassion creates loyalty and a desire to do their best from a place of loving support & empowerment, rather than fear.

2. MIRRORED

(Think — People Pleaser’s)

These are the walls donned by our social chameleons of the world.

The intention of a mirrored wall is to reflect back to the world what others WANT to see, (or even expect to see), — while hiding what the person behind the wall ACTUALLY thinks & believes.

These walls are an attempt to keep everyone around the wearer happy and validated, but almost always at the cost of the wearer feeling genuinely seen, heard, & supported. People who put up mirrored walls are constantly sacrificing their own comfort & wellbeing for that of others. A noble pursuit, except that we all know that you CANNOT please everyone — so these people also tend to find themselves in really tricky situations, are seen as very fickle, and often feel constricted & trapped.

Put up for long enough, and someone wearing mirrored walls risks losing touch with who they are and what they actually believe.

In reality , these are our peace keepers & world changers.

When they can release the fear of upsetting someone else with their opinions & beliefs, they can actually create really safe spaces for productive disagreement.

Their ability to truly see both sides of a situation, allows them to have compassionate conversations — as long as they don’t forget that you can see someone else’s point of view, and still not agree.

They also tend to have lots of passion for the planet, social reform, and making this world a truly better place.

These are the people who truly have the power to change the world!

3. ELEGANT & STATELY

(Think — Perfectionist’s)

These are beautiful, eye catching walls that people will painstakingly curate to try to PULL PEOPLE IN — but only just so far.

Only just enough for them to sit outside and admire the exterior (accomplishments, physique, ‘good’ qualities, ‘positive’ attributes), but never actually getting past the wall to see the very real, imperfect human behind it.

These are walls that many people put up to try to highlight their “good” qualities, and make people THINK they know who they are, but really they’re only seeing a highlight reel that the wearer is meticulously curating for them each and every day.

People who put up these types of walls tend to be very performance driven, are dependent on approval & external validation, and attach their worth with their ability to “do” and “complete”. This can drive them to even be manipulative with their charm as a means to get what they want from others.

In reality — these are our performers, and they are capable of GETTING SHIT DONE!

When they can let their walls down and allow for TRUE vulnerability, these people are MAGNETIC. They can build incredible networks of support to put their dreams in action — WITHOUT BURNING OUT! (because trust me, the effort put in daily to maintain their ‘perfect’ exterior — is exhausting them).

When they can untangle their worth from their accomplishments, and are no longer limited by their need for things to be “perfect”, they are an unstoppable force of INCREDIBLE creations.

The one thing ALL of these walls have in common:

They are preventing the people behind them from feeling worthy, capable, or confident in showing up in the world as their whole, authentic selves.

Which means they’re keeping them, me, YOU — SMALL.

And this world doesn’t need anymore people, ESPECIALLY WOMEN, playing small in their lives. We need you TAKING UP SPACE.

Which is why I created my program where I work with women to do exactly that- to soften through their walls, reclaim their power, and take up space.

If you’re ready to tear down the walls that have been keeping YOU small or stuck, get on the waitlist for the next round of Soften into Strength !

The program officially begins February 1st.

Early bird discount for those who enroll BEFORE January 8th!

In the meantime, download my free Mini Course, to get a taste of the power of softening & letting the walls go.

Connect with me over in my private FB group Women Rising, to get more support & content around female empowerment and reclaiming YOUR personal power.

All my love,

Liz Fair