America! Stop Cutting Down Trees and Start Planting Some Why Dontcha?
By: Marilyn Flower
Tags: Climate Change, Christmas, Humor, Satire, Trees

December 2020

To: America, in particular, and the world in general

From: F.A.C.T. — Free All Christmas Trees!

This may be the first time some of you have heard from us. It takes a lot to get a tree to talk, let alone write a memo.

But the situation is dire. Do you humans realize that you can’t live without us?

Cause you sure don’t act like it. You cut us down to make room for your ugly subdivisions. So undifferentiated people would get lost if it weren’t for individual house numbers and street names.

So you think we stand in the way of civilization, do you? That if you don’t chop us down, there’s no room to live? That the housing market is such that it demands the sacrifice of primal forests so more of you can get out of crowded cities and live at the edge of civilization.

Humans! Listen! If you don’t stop killing us, subdivisions, or no subdivisions, you will not have enough oxygen to breathe. Period.

The air quality sucks as it is. If all tree massacres ceased immediately, the quality of your aid would still never get back to where it was, and where it needs to be for your optimal health unless you live in remote areas. Most of you do not live in remote areas.

Your brain needs oxygen. Quality oxygen. You blame Trump for the dumbing down of America. But America, your forestry industry has been ensuing that the ratio of adequate oxygen in your air supply has been on a steady decline.

Now you’re all breathing air that’s so full of pollutants what little oxygen there is is severely compromised. Hence, so are your brains. Your ability to think rationally, logically, and independently has plummeted. Your survival is at high risk.

You don’t believe us?

Look at the huge percent of you who are climate deniers. That is a symptom of brain anoxia. Don’t know what anoxia means? We rest our case. But we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and explain that anoxia means a lack of oxygen to the brain. Duh!

Humans, you’re on our endangered species list!

Yep, your years are numbered, and we don’t mean like 2021. We mean the clock is ticking. If you don’t turn this trend around immediately, there is no future for you on this planet — unless you can metabolize carbon dioxide AND carbon monoxide.

We lowly Christmas trees in our Stalag 17 tree farms stand in solidarity with our brothers and sisters in the Amazon Rain Forest.

As a species, you have obviously decided that eating McDonald’s hamburgers is more important than surviving. We trees question that. Have you tasted their burgers lately?

We trees typically are vegetarians, but when we find ourselves craving a little red meat, we always go to In-and-Out. They’re organic and environmentally conscious. MickeyD’s is not.

Every time you visit those golden arches, one more tree has its life snuffed out to make room for grazing land for your obscene consumption. Not to mention the bloody cows.

It’s suicidal folks.

You’re not just killing trees and cows. You’re killing yourselves. We defy you to name any other species that does that. Maybe lemmings. Yes, lemmings.

You humans with brains many times the size of those rodents are jumping off the sustainability cliff every day with your eco-politico-culinary tastes. It’s getting really hard to watch.

And experience. Which is the final point we want to make here.

Every year, millions of us sacrifice our lives to make your homes merry and bright. You chop us down or buy us already chopped, just like you shop at the butcher’s or supermarket to not have to butcher your own meat.

We believe that if you had to behead your own chickens or slaughter your own livestock, you’d have a way different diet.

But the fact remains, we need each other. Symbiosis can be a bitch sometimes, but we’re stuck with it.

While this may be too late if you bought your tree on the Day of the Dead, we’re counting on procrastination to weigh in our favor.

If you haven’t bought a chopped tree yet, please don’t. Let us live.

Or, as a compromise, put us in a pot with soil. Replant us after the holidays. We’re willing to suffer short term pain for long term gain.

If you’re willing to do that, we’re willing to suffer the slings and arrows of your outrageous decorations. Having our boughs loaded with your silly bobbles, tinsel, and garish clap-trap.

Photo by Jung Ho Park on Unsplash

Some of you have no taste whatsoever.

You think more is better till we’re so loaded down you can’t see any green foliage. When that happens, what’s the point? You could have made one investment in an artificial tree that would sustain you for years.

But no, you had to have a live tree and then cover it up so nothing live can be seen. Where’s the logic in that? Proves our point about anoxia, right?

However, we are willing to endure decorating if you will save our lives. That way everyone lives to see another Christmas. Do it for your kids if not for yourselves.

FYI: We’ve already enlisted Santa, the elves, and Dr. Faucci. They’re standing with us and the rain forest. Won’t you join us?

And our final, final point — for every tree you’ve ever killed, for Christmas or any other reason — sport, ornamentation, or by accident — plant five more.

All we are saying is give trees a chance!

Sincerely,

~The Sisters and Brothers of the Order of the Deciduous Pine

~Every Day Evergreen Evangelicals

~The Potted Pine Ridge Movement without Reservations

~The Artificial Tree Manufacturers Association — a Division of American Spastic Plastics

P.S. We applaud the move to electronic Christmas cards for equally obvious reasons.

P.P.S. If you think this was rough, wait till you hear about our toilet paper strike planned for January. A wise response now can avoid that whole nasty business later.