Solidarity, and whatnot
By: Ian Belknap
Tags: Culture, International Womens Day, Humor, Sexism, Women

Solidarity, and whatnot

Though a dude, I think you ladies are super

God can you believe it’s already International Women’s Day again already? I mean, gosh, time flies, no?

So as a dude, I would like to grant you chicas (see? International!) TOTAL permission to drive the discussion today. You’re welcome.

Wondering what else I can do. As a “woke” dude. I’ve already changed my profile pic on facebook (my guy friends are like “A red border? Around a MAN’s pic? That’s cray!”), and have retweeted several Eleanor Roosevelt quotes (and even a catty Dorothy Parker line, cause she was the ORIGINAL NASTY WOMAN, AMIRITE, LADIES?!? hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!)

And even though I have done all that (before 8 a.m., mind you) I still feel like I could do more to show my support of all you mothers and daughters and … I was gonna say “wives,” but that feels, whattaya call it, phallocentric, so — are you sitting down? cause I’m about to blow your minds: all you mothers and daughters and CEOs and soldiers and doctors and ANYTHING YOU WANT TO BE. Because today — I mean, today only, obviously, cause I got shit to do — you can bring home the bacon, and I will fry it up in a pan.

Patriarchy? Not smashed, maybe. But slapped pretty good, am I right? Patriarchy has a hand print on its face, now, for real.

So here’s another thing — this glass ceiling? I do not agree with it. I mean, as beneficiary of it, I might be a little foot-draggy about, you know, doing anything about it, but still. I know you appreciate the gesture. Because emotional intelligence.

And uteruses. I don’t have one, obviously. But miracle of childbirth, and giving life, and all the wisdom that comes of it. Not that you have to have kids — that is up to you. Like big time. Not too long ago, I read a synopsis of that movie A Handmaid’s Tale that’s coming out in a while, and I am not about that. Creepy, right? Not on my watch, I say. I mean, unless that movie comes out on Netflix like ON International Women’s Day, I kind of doubt I’ll see it, but I get it, though, I do.

Plus, though? This is a bit of a sensitive area (HA!) but this is 2017, so I will “go there” — your, as ladies, I’m saying … pleasure? If you take my meaning. In the boudoir? It’s really important. As important as my own, even. Well, nearly. I mean, say what you will about dudes, but there is no mystery about how to … achieve … you know, satisfaction. But for you. Down there. It’s … I’m not gonna lie. It’s pretty bewildering. And then every time I try to learn more, I just get grossed out. So. It’s a real pickle. Like a game of Whack-a-Mole down there. But with lots of … intimacy. Like tons. Feeling really connected. Eye contact. All that shit. I get it.

And consent. Super important. The best.

And listen — I’m not just talking the talk here. I got a pedicure one time. I know where you’re coming from. I was on the front lines of the struggle. To get them to also have The Bachelorette. Because equality. I mean, I didn’t, obviously, have anything to do with that show. Didn’t stand in the way though, so. Progress.

Also, can I even tell you this right now? Beyoncé? I totally love her. Not even kidding — like everything she does. Obsessed. Empowering like a motherfucker.

And get this. I read this one meme where ladies only earn like 70 cents on the dollar for what a dude makes. Can that even be true? Because if so. I say that is wrong. Long as, you know, YOUR wages get raised to my level. Not that mine get cut. Because that wouldn’t solve anything. Plus it would feel mean to me. And being vindictive? Not an attractive quality, ladies.

But that can’t be across the board, right? I was talking about this to Jessica, I think her name is, who is a WOMAN — she works at Sport Clips™, and she is winding the Legendary Hot Towel® onto my face, and she had the greatest line about this, she like, just breaks into the chorus of Aretha Franklin’s “Respect” — did a little dance number and everything. Really opened my eyes. Couple of the other girls joined in. The guys in the other chairs — they were getting woke, too. I could tell. It was really something.

Jessica is FIERCE.

And I have also heard about this mansplaining? You heard about this? It’s when a dude tells you something you probably already KNOW (because you are super-smart, a lot of you) in this way that is super-patronizing. God. That must drive you around the bend. If I see that happening, I will step in. Even if it’s like my supervisor, or something. I don’t even care. Because change.

And catcalling? Same thing. I will not sit still for that. I mean, some RANDOM guy, just out on the street or whatever, is so moved by your beauty that he asks you to “back that thing up”? And you, for whatever reason, are not into that? I will totally speak up. Totally. Not saying I understand it entirely, or agree with it, even, but since you’re getting your panties all in a bunch, it’s wrong, somehow, I guess.

Because to sum up. You know that one video where the little girl is in the toy aisle and she’s like “Why even are all these things for GIRLS pink?” That really hit me, you know? I thought about that for like a minute solid. Not even exaggerating.

You can find longer essays, satire, fiction, and info on the workshops I teach in Chicago on my site: ianbelknap.com — also, check out the WRITE CLUB podcast