Santa Claus Is In Danger
By: Fp Bardrick
Tags: Covid 19, Santa Claus, 2020, Christmas, Self Improvement

Santa Claus Is In Danger

What your family can do to keep Father Christmas safe this holiday season

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Who remembers believing in Santa Claus?

I don’t mean do you remember that you believed in the big man, but that you remember actually believing in the big man. Do you remember that visceral all-bodied mixture of hope and love and joy and welcoming?

Culture would like us to believe that adults forget what that feels like. Hell, that’s the conclusion to the movie The Polar Express. You grow up and you forget. But it isn’t true. In Pandora’s Box, all that was left in the end was hope, and at the end of Christmas day, as you clean up the wrapping paper, a little of that feeling is left at the bottom of each gift bag and empty box.

Now, this Christmas is going to be different than any Christmas any of us have lived through. Chances are a lot of your normal traditions won’t be possible, whether that is gathering with your extended family, traveling to Disney World, or spending midnight at Mass. One more thing needs to change, though. I implore you.

Santa Claus is in danger, and we need to take that into consideration. I’ve already seen jokey posts on Facebook of people’s Elves on a Shelf in quarantine. I’ve seen a local commercial that portrays Santa wiping down the top of a chimney with Clorox wipes. Santa is as susceptible to COVID-19 as the rest of us, and kids will know that.

Now, my theoretical naysayer may ask, “How do you figure? He isn’t real. How could he get sick?” To which I say shhhhhhhh. Don’t ruin it for the children, Asshole. Also, as my mother always said, “only those who believe get presents.” So watch your damn mouth. Back to it, unfortunately, Santa is canonically susceptible to our diseases. In a much underrated Christmas film, The Year Without a Santa Claus, not only does Kris Kringle get sick, he’s still sick at the start of the movie right before the next Christmas. There are also a weird number of kid’s books about a sick Santa, which I don’t really get, but whatever.

The point is, Santa can get sick. And kids know that. They also know that we’re in the middle of a Pandemic. They notice what’s on the news when you watch it. They pick up on your stress and how you’ve been home a weird amount of time. They understand that school is wonky and why they have to wear masks and they know who is in the most danger.

We have all been taught throughout this harrowing time that the normal worst-case scenario is that our grandmas or grandpas could get very sick. There are thousands of kids out there that have already lost grandparents (not even to mention aunts, uncles, parents, siblings, and friends). Kids know what’s at stake here.

If you ask a kid to describe Santa, what will they say? If they have learned tact, undoubtedly the hard way from saying something mean to a stranger in a grocery store and had that talk with their incredibly embarrassed parent, their list may include “big” with “white hair and a white beard”. If they have not had that experience yet, they are apt to say, with all their childhood innocence, “fat” and “old”. That places Santa in the middle of a deadly Venn diagram of risky traits in the current environment.

I said a moment ago that we all still have the ability to believe in Santa. To us, Santa is the embodiment of good cheer, the feeling of being with friends and loved ones, the holiday season in a red outfit. The part of believing in Santa that we forget is that kids don’t think of him as a mythic figure.

When we think about Santa, and when we share Santa with kids, we think of him in the past tense, in a nostalgic fugue of our own childhoods. For kids, Santa is very much in the here and now. He’s sitting at a desk at the North Pole checking the naughty and nice list or at a workbench making toys. He’s existing in their present.

And he’s just a man. Probably the nicest man they’ve ever heard of, but still just a man. Of course, he’s also magic, but to a kid that doesn’t make him any less of a human being (kids are inclusive like that). Kids leave Santa milk and cookies not because of tradition, but because they’re afraid he’ll be hungry. They want him to be comfortable.

A perfect example of this is in another much underrated Christmas movie The Santa Clause with Tim Allen. Tim, who was just made Santa via accidental Santa-cide, tells a little girl that he won’t drink the milk that she left out because he’s lactose intolerant. Forty-five minutes later, during the next Christmas, we find out that this year she leaves out soy milk. Those scenes are wonderful because of how true they are. Imagine that happening in real life for a moment. That little girl told her parents the next day that she saw Santa and he said that he was lactose intolerant. They would have found it cute, although confused about how she learned what lactose intolerance was. Then the next Christmas comes around and she INSISTED that her parents get soy milk. This couple could have been dairy producers in Wisconsin and that girl would have made certain that they had soy milk on hand.

Kids don’t do these things to get in Santa’s good graces, they do it because children have an incredible amount of empathy. They think “he might get hungry” so they leave out milk and cookies. They get concerned the reindeer will feel left out so they add some carrots. I’ve heard of kids making sure the couch was made up in case he needed to take a nap, the reasoning given was “well, I get tired when I stay up too late”.

The last thing any kid will want to do is hurt Santa, so what can we do to ease their fears and make this Christmas as safe as possible for St. Nick?

Can you make a no-contact delivery zone for Santa? A garage or a back stoop that will minimize the number of houses that Santa has to physically enter? How about making a big show on Christmas Eve about Lysoling the room that Santa leaves the presents in? The kids can make a little note for Santa letting him know it’s been sanitized. Leave a bottle of hand sanitizer next to the milk and cookies. Skip the homemade cookies this year and leave Santa something prepackaged, some Little Debbie snacks or a Rice Krispie treat. That way he can eat them outside and not have to take off his mask.

The options here are limitless, and you can have fun with them. Ask your kids what their ideas are, how they would like to make sure that the house is ready for Santa, and how to make it as safe as possible for Father Christmas and your family.

Your kids will think about this. They might talk to you about it on Thanksgiving, they might have a terrifying epiphany on Christmas Eve, or they may have a breakdown on December 27th fearing that they hurt the most giving man in the world. That is not a situation that you want to have to try to parent. Friends, please be proactive with this. Have a plan. Alleviate their fears and worries.

And above all, let’s all do our part to keep Santa safe.