I Do… Not
By: Yaamini Karthik
Tags: Fiction Writing, Humor, Fiction, Indian Weddings, Business

The wedding day arrived, and the four of us were ready. We each had our part to play, and we intended on playing it well. As we approached the venue, we could see people milling about both outside and in. garlands of flowers hung across the steps, and a giant plastic heart read Arman weds Nidhi, with many cartoon hearts surrounding it.

The whole plan boiled down to setting something on fire. Charlie was rather keen on the idea, and I could never say no to them.

“All you need to do is cause a distraction, anything that’ll get people running,” Nidhi had instructed before leaving. “We have a getaway plan; we just need you guys to make sure that my parents and Arman leave my side.” We agreed and based on that a plan was birthed.

The wedding was comparatively small. Only around 200 people were there for us to drive out.

First, I would blend in with the catering company. My job was to add an instant laxative to whatever food I could find, leaving people scattering for the bathrooms. Then, Lois would set a bunch of mice loose in the hall. To top it off, Charlie would set the mandap on fire, thus leading to the sprinklers being set off and mass panic. Samaira would keep the parents from interfering. It was all going to go so smoothly.

“Everyone’s earpieces working?” I asked, receiving nods in response. We reached the entrance of the hall, and I signalled for everyone to split up. I watched Charlie accompany Samaira in, and headed out back to the kitchen.

The kitchen was buzzing with energy when I got there, and between that and the crowd, it was easy for me to slip in unnoticed and pick up a tray of hors d’oeuvres.

I had a vial of powdered laxatives in my hand, and I was about to sprinkle it on when I heard someone shout, “Hey!”

I turned, the bottle nearly slipping from my fingers. The man who yelled was speed walking toward me with a sense of purpose.

“You! What are you doing?” he demanded.

“Taking out the paneer, sir,” I replied as I shoved it into my pocket. He was wearing a shiny, canary yellow kurta, and one glance at Arman on the welcome poster clad in an even shinier, canary yellower kurta told me that they were somehow related.

He walked closer and peered at the plate. “What’s your name?” he asked, his eyes drifting up at me suspiciously.

“Dhawan, sir.”

He looked unsatisfied but let me go anyway. “Fine,” he said, “but don’t bring them out back before taking them in. Go now.”

I could feel his eyes burning holes in the back of my skull as I walked away.

“Damn it,” I whispered, pushing the hall’s door open with my shoulder. “Who’s the bootleg Arman?”

“Bold of you to imply Arman isn’t some bootleg version himself,” Samaira scoffed in my ear. “You just met Dev. He’s Arman’s self-appointed best man.”

“What best man? This is a Hindu wedding.”

“That’s why I said self-appointed.”

“He seems to be on top of everything here,” I said as someone stopped me to swipe some paneer.

“Nidhi says he’s been aggressively involved,” she confirmed. “This might be a little wrench in our plan.”

“No, we can do this,” I hissed, circling another table. “Charlie, how’s it going on your end?”

“Not good, Nik,” they said. “This material is thick and I’m not sure how we’re going to coat it in the accelerant without people noticing.”

“Drat.” Things were looking grim. “It’s okay, keep working it. Lois, come in.”

“Here, boss,” Lois said from inside the van.

“How are the mice?”

“Bored, by the looks of it. They’re kind of cute, actually.”

“Sure. Okay, I’m going to try getting my job done. How long do we have?”

“An hour, give or take,” Samaira said. “Arman’s going to show up in ten minutes. The ceremony starts forty-five minutes after.”

“Okay. okay, this’ll work.” I ran the scenarios in my mind. “Nearly everyone will go out for the baraat, right? Charlie, you use that time to coat at least the bottom half of the mandap.”

“Got it, love.”

“Boss, did you check for cameras?” I asked.

“All cut and dusted,” Samaira replied.

“Awesome. Alright, Lois, wait for our cue. Bring the van closer if you need to.”

“Yep.”

I wound around the hall and made my back to the kitchen. I spent nearly twenty minutes hiding from Dev and serving guests their appetizer, each one sprinkled with the laxative powder. People would start feeling it in another ten minutes. Oh, how joyous it felt to be evil.

I was ready to take out a plate of fried cauliflower when the overbearing lemon from earlier appeared in my path.

“Where are you going?” Dev sneered, brandishing a thick writing pad.

“To… serve food?” I said, confused. Where was this coming from? “Would you like some gob-”

“I don’t want gobi! And you’re coming with me,” he said, pointing towards the backdoor.

The gears in my head were turning as he led me out back to the storage room. I didn’t have any weapons me — well, I had a toothpick, but I figured that wouldn’t count for much. He shut the door behind us and made me sit on a barrel.

“Who are you, and what are you doing here?” He demanded.

“I already told you, I’m-”

“I know you’re not Dhawan. There’s no Dhawan on the list. Why are you here?”

“Sir, I really am just part of the catering company,” I tried, but he wasn’t having it.

“Are you a spy? Sent here to destroy the wedding? Sent here to assassinate Arman?” He kept pushing, inching closer to my face.

Who does he think Arman is? I wondered as I leaned as far back as I could.

“Look, I-” I started, but was cut off by the noise of celebration, accompanied by loud music and drums.

Dev gasped. “Arman’s arrived. I must go.”

I saw my chance. With a swift kick to his ankles, I knocked him off his feet and bolted out the door. He fell with a thud and started screeching. “Stop! Stop him!”

I rushed out the door, only stopping to push crates of mini water bottles in front of it. Sprinting down the corridor, I tapped my ear. “Guys,” I huffed, “We’ve got an issue.”

“We heard the whole thing, boss,” Samaira said. “You need to hurry, Arman’s pulled up to the entrance.”

Sure enough, the crowd had gathered on the sides of the road. I lunged into some bushes and peeked out at the gathering. They were hooting at the shiny groom who sat on his equally shiny horse and smiled and waved enthusiastically. Nidhi was waiting at the top of the steps looking anxious. I gritted my teeth, racking my brain for the next step.

“Are you Nikhil?” a voice whispered from beside me, making me jump. I turned to see a pretty woman in a pale green lehenga looking at me intently.

“Who’s asking?”

“My name’s Palak,” she offered, crouching down next to me. “Nidhi told me about your plan. I want to help.”

“Oh. That’s kind of you but-”

“I already set off the smoke alarms inside. They should go off right about…” As if on cue, the ringing of the alarms blared throughout the building. The sprinklers must have gone off too because people were running out screaming.

“Nik, I didn’t do anything!” Charlie’s voice crackled in my ear.

“Relax, it was one of Nidhi’s friends,” he said. “How’d you-?”

“These alarms are super old. I just lit a fistful of incense sticks and stuck them to the ceiling.”

“How- okay, doesn’t matter. Lois! Now!”

A grunt sounded from my ear. We watched silently as people clamoured around the building, trying to dry off whoever had gotten caught in the downpour. We were just waiting for that one catalyst…

“You! Not-Dhawan!”

Shit. Not the catalyst I was hoping for. I turned around to see Dev swiftly bumbling towards us. He seemed to have escaped the storage room unscathed.

I grabbed Palak’s hand and pulled her up the stairs. “Lois! What’s the holdup?”

“I’m doing it!”

And that’s when it happened.

All it took was someone yelling, “Rats!” for the group to go crazy. The rodents scurried in between feet, leading to people screaming and hopping around.

In all the confusion, Arman’s horse decided that he had suffered enough. In a glorious moment, he reared up and broke free from his handler’s grasp. He began his long gallop to freedom, and unfortunately or not, took Arman along for it.

We heard his screams till the end of the road. “Arman!” Dev wailed, and abandoned his pursuit of me to chase the groom. At this point, parents from both sides who had initially tried diffusing the situation gave up to catch the rogue horse and son.

Nidhi watched gleefully from her perch as the chaos unfurled around her.

“I think that’s a job well done,” I turned to Palak, but she was already sprinting up the stairs to engulf Nidhi in a hug. As I was watching them run back inside, Charlie spoke again.

“Nik, look! I figured out what to set on fire!” they said.

I put a hand to my earpiece. “I think we’re good, Charls. Where are you?”

They didn’t need to say anything, because the next thing I knew was that the giant heart near us set ablaze, the flames licking the sky. If the screaming hadn’t already reached its peak, it did then.

I yelped and scanned the crowd. “Charlie!”

“I’m here, I’m here,” they appeared next to me, pulling Samaira by the arm. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

“Of course you couldn’t. Is it all good, boss?” I turned to Samaira. She smiled and gestured to the bushes. There Nidhi stood, clutching a suitcase in one hand and Palak’s hand in the other. Palak placed a kiss on Nidhi’s knuckles before waving at me. I grinned and waved back.

Thank you, Nidhi mouthed. Samaira laughed and gestured for them to go, and in a second they were lost between the leaves.

I turned back to my team. “Great work! Now, let’s get the hell out of here.”