Foreplay Begins The Moment You Stop Having Sex
Tags: Sexuality, Sex, Life Lessons, Foreplay, Society And Culture

Foreplay Begins The Moment You Stop Having Sex

Foreplay is powerful because it is about bonding and understanding, as well as sexual stimulation.

Think of the first time a crush liked you back. In that electrifying moment, were you a little titillated? It’s hard not to be. Suddenly, you aren’t humans, you’re magnets. The currents flowing between you and your crush, often referred to as sexual tension, is an otherworldly presence as potent as the person you’re desiring. It is a spark that can light our fire.

Fun fact, this sexual tension is part of foreplay.

Contrary to belief, foreplay is so much more than the handsy warm-up round before something hard slides inside of something wet. Though, if we want to understand how full-bodied foreplay is, we first need to define sex.

I have come to define sex as a feeling. I know I am having sex when I am feeling two things at the same time: aroused and fulfilled. It has nothing to do with penetration, and it doesn’t even have to do with orgasming.

Frankly, if you talk to a queerly identified woman, she’ll tell you that sex doesn’t equate to penetration. However, it is so hard to unlearn this idea when sex education or mass media constantly refers to sex as intercourse. Intercourse is defined as:

“Sexual contact between individuals involving penetration, especially the insertion of a man’s erect penis into a woman’s vagina, typically culminating in orgasm and the ejaculation of semen.”

Regardless of what you learned that fateful day a condom was rolled onto a banana, intercourse is just one of many sex acts. Like cunnilingus, a handjob, or anal.

Sex also doesn’t need to “typically culminate in orgasm or ejaculation of semen” to feel fulfilling. Many people love BDSM because this specific and intense practice is satisfying regardless of a potential climax. BDSM creates many types of situations where a person can feel a physical release. Sometimes that includes an orgasm, and sometimes it does not.

The best way to define sex is by taking out a blank sheet of paper and writing down what arouses you. Don’t prioritize anyone else during this exercise. Instead consider, what turns you on? What are your fantasies? What makes you excited to get naked with another person?

I remember when I realized masturbation was sex. It was when I was having trouble climaxing with my ex. So we went back to basics and masturbated beside each other. Once we both orgasmed, I thought, finally, we had sex!

Then the doubts began to roll in…but we didn’t touch each other…but there was no penetration. Yet I still felt fulfilled, aroused, and so close to my ex-partner. No one could tell me that wasn’t sex because it felt like sex.

This was the first mindset shift I experienced that helped me reclaim my relationship with sex. I recognized that someone else had taught me a mainstream, one-size-fit-all definition of sex. However, this one size does not fit all.

And that is okay. Actually, that’s what makes sex so fun.

Sex is a journey of self-discovery. We get to play and experiment to discover our unique version of sexual fulfillment. We even get to find lovers who we learn from and play with.

But let’s not forget about foreplay.

Just as we shouldn’t limit sex to coitus, don’t limit foreplay to a series of sexual stimuli before a big sexual crescendo. Foreplay is so much more diverse than that. It is the fun and sultry game of building arousal. After sex is finished, this game of teasing and titillating activity resets. Slowly gaining traction through amorous gestures and flirty comments, until both parties are craving to have sex once again.

The best way to contextualize how foreplay works for you is to answer this question: what makes you want to have sex with someone?

To help lubricate your brain, here are some examples of foreplay:

Smiles across the room

Sending a handwritten note

Wearing an outfit to catch someone’s eye

(Realizing you have caught their eye)

Those sweet “good morning” texts

Listening and learning about someone

Sending or receiving a hot photo

How sexy does it feel to be noticed, appreciated, and complemented by a special someone? These are all elementals of arousal and can create a deep bond of intimacy akin to physical touch. When we give or receive this type of attention, it heightens our anticipation for sex.

Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean that sexual acts can’t also be foreplay.

However, it is important to recognize what happens psychologically when we believe that certain sex acts are foreplay, while other sex acts are “real sex.” When we limit foreplay to a few sexy actions before one big action, we’re confirming a very harmful mindset. That there is a hierarchy of sexual acts, and even more detrimental, a hierarchy of orgasms.

Not everyone orgasms from penetration alone, but if foreplay is oral sex while “real sex” is penetration, how is someone supposed to feel if they only cum from foreplay but not “real sex”?

Moreover, what if someone’s favorite sexual activity is fingering, but they prioritize other sex acts due to this same belief system? The hierarchizing of sexual activity teaches people not to prioritize their own pleasure.

When we pretend that foreplay only happens right before sex, we forget everything else that turns us on. Like sexting, cuddling, or talking. Arousal does not discriminate, so don’t discriminate against different types of arousal! The term sapiosexual became mainstream for a reason. Many people are aroused by intellectual conversation alone.

By realizing that foreplay begins the moment we stop having sex, we can understand what turns us on so profoundly.

In the same vein, we can also jump into bed and realize that sexual fulfillment may mean something different to us. This is a very exciting way to approach sexual activity. If you and your lover have different turn-ons, then that means more time to experience pleasure.

I once had a client who could only orgasm when she put a vibrator on her clitoris. However, she desperately wanted to achieve g-spot orgasms, believing that this was simply a “better way to cum.”

She had a challenging time enjoying sex with her husband because she felt she was working while he was enjoying. Meanwhile, her husband had been suggesting from the get-go that they use her sex toy in the bedroom. In her view, relying on her vibrator felt like a sexual failure. Finally, she realized that she wasn’t prioritizing her pleasure because of the definitions she’d inherited about sex.

What ultimately saved their sex life was this mindset shift. They re-wrote the script on foreplay and redefined their definitions of sex. It helped her realize that her goals and timelines around sexual activity were biased. That there was no such thing as real sex or a better orgasm.

Understanding that foreplay begins the moment you stop having sex opens up endless possibilities for satisfaction. It allows us to go on a sexy, soul search about arousal and attraction before we think about touch, bodies, and sex. Essentially, foreplay is powerful because it is about bonding and understanding, as well as sexual stimulation.

It’s never too late to shift your sexual mindset. Arousal is about the journey and the destination. Don’t be afraid to throw out the old, antiquated map you’ve been given and create a new one from scratch. You’ll be glad (and a little aroused) that you did.

Modern Sex is a new column with a focus on the ever-evolving modern landscape of sex. We want to offer a place where we can see sex and sexuality develop. Read more from Modern Sex here.