the wait (part iii)
By: C
Tags: Christianity, Christian Living, Jesus

the wait (part iii)

I’ve finally gotten down to writing the third & final part of this series even though I feel that this story is not over yet. I believe that this path I’m on will lead me to discovering God’s purpose for me. Since that has not happened yet, let me take you through the last year of mental turmoil that I experienced.

Since the summer holidays (Nov 2019-Feb 2020), one thing was on my mind: graduation. It wasn’t “Yay!!! Graduation!!!” It was more like… “Can I even graduate?” and “If I go back to Singapore after graduation, can I ever come back to Perth?” By the start of the year, I was sure that I wanted to stay in Perth for the long-term and that kicked off the year of the consistent heaviness that loomed over me. Self-doubt, uncertainty and sadness hardly left my side and struck me fiercely whenever I was vulnerable.

Evelyn offered me this word of wisdom whenever I would tell her about how worried I was, “when the time comes, God will tell you where you need to go”. I knew that and I told myself that, but I didn’t believe it.

I kept looking out for signs that fit my desire to stay in Perth because I had no real plans. Looking for a job was for sure the most sure sign I could get and I was trying to decipher where God truly wanted me to serve in. Yet everything fell through and things just started to get more difficult. I was struggling to find connections with the people I was serving with and the job windows I thought God was opening for me shut so quickly after.

The frequency of calling my parents increased at that time because I wanted their advice. They had already told me once or twice that coming back at this time would be the most logical thing, but I didn’t want to because I felt that I had built a life here for the past few years. I had so many things and parts of my lifestyle in Australia that I considered precious, my car being the thing I was most attached to. I spent many days in that car to get some solace.

So I told myself, I won’t listen to anyone’s voice but God’s. Even if something was logical, didn’t mean that God couldn’t supernaturally move. It was mid-February when I reached a point of desperation. I couldn’t take the tenseness in my shoulders and the restlessness any longer. I phoned my parents, crying my eyes out.

“God hasn’t told me what to do and my time is almost up!”

“He has,” my mum replied.

“What do you mean? When?” I was bewildered. I had been praying for almost a year. If he had told me, surely I would’ve known?

“I don’t know, just ask God! When I was praying for you, He told me that he already told you what to do next. Go and pray!”

I was stunned. It was me all along who had been so distracted by everything that was troubling me that I forgot to sit at his feet and listen to his voice.

I spent the next few days processing what my mum had said but didn’t make any large changes to the things I was doing. God still had a plan. I woke up a few days later for church, and while I was getting into my car, I felt that I wanted to listen to a podcast called ‘Ask Pastor John’. The one that was second from the top caught my eye. It was titled, “Am I Completely Surrendered to Christ?”

I started to listen to John Piper’s words of wisdom, trying to compare it to my own life. He brought up some of Jesus’ words:

In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples. Luke 14:33

In that moment, I had a thought and nervously asked God… I was afraid he would say what I had been dreading.

“Hey God, do you want me to go back to Singapore?”

Yes.

It was clear as day. I couldn’t deny it. A sadness washed over me, but it was the kind of pain where you know your flesh mourns, but your spirit rejoices. I finally felt peace that I had heard his voice. He’s so cool. I spent most of the past year listening to everything but him, but the minute I gave in, he was right there for me.

The process to come back was indeed heartbreaking. I had to pack up everything, donate half of the things I couldn’t pack and sell my car. It was alot for me to handle on my own, but he was indeed so faithful to me. I still felt the stress, but every process flowed so smoothly.

Afterwards, my mum even told me that God already told her some time ago that He wanted me to come home. She patiently waited for me to hear from God myself. Partly because she knew I was too stubborn to listen to her anyway, but partly also because both her and my dad wanted to support me no matter my decision. I didn’t deserve it for sure.

When I was reflecting during that time, I realised that those ‘signs’ may have been fleeting, but the thing that stayed consistent was my desire to go back home. He promised to carry me through, and that He had a purpose for me back in Singapore.

And now that I’m back, I can see His plan starting to unravel right before my eyes. I always take a crazy amount of time to write these, but the most important thing is that I write each part to completion. As I said earlier, this is not the end of my wait, but I will stop this series here because this is meant to be a pre-coming-back-to-Perth recount. More on ‘Since I’ve been back in Singapore’ next time!!

xx Celestee