hey, you: don’t count 2020 as a loss
By: Kayla Tomas
Tags: Positive Thinking, 2020, Change, Adventure, Perspective

Bowman Bay at Deception Pass State Park (Washington)

Oh, boy. I think going into 2020, we all had our sights set on adventure, accomplishments and “going big or going home.” I know the feeling, because I was right there with you.

When the ball dropped at midnight on January 1st, 2020, I remember sitting on my friend’s couch, already in my pjs, drinking very expensive champagne that I honestly couldn’t even tell you the name of, and thinking, “This is going to be my year.”

It was the perfect start.

2020 kicked off with a bang. First think I did was buy an overpriced cold brew and take a Pure Barre Reform class. “I’m killing it already.”

But for real, after four years of subletting, crashing on couches, roommates that were less than ideal, twin beds and mice, I finally signed a lease on an apartment in my dream neighborhood in Manhattan. I’ve always loved the Upper West Side, and now I fully stand by “Upper West Side, Best Side.” I mean, come on, could see the express train from my bedroom window, and was pumped that I could get into Midtown in a jiffy for all of the auditions that I was going to crush.

Okay, so auditions weren’t going so hot. It’s hard. There are so many artists in small radius, and just when you think you’re unique, you find yourself in a stuffy room with 12 other 5'3 brunettes with bangs, singing the same repertoire as you, whose best color was also olive green.

But I was used to this. I had tricks up my sleeve for how I could win the hearts of these casting directors and agents. After years of thinking about it, I finally got up the courage to do my one-woman show. I sent postcards and emails to every casting office in the city; annoying, probably, but you can’t blame a girl for the hustle. Crass, humorous and of course about being single in NYC, Here For the Right Reasons: Applying For The Bachelor debuted at the West End Lounge on February 13th (yes Galentines day!) to a house oversold by 50%, with a team of incredible talent and support. It was everything and more. I found my voice and confidence I didn’t know I had. LFG, 2020.

“A cabaret that follows one woman’s journey to be THE ONE. A show that celebrates love, dating and the crazies of finding yourself in a world that is just…crazy.”

Opportunities were piling up: Trainings, trips, artistic work, you name it.

Short lived…

On March 11th, I lost job #1. On March 12th, the arts indusrty shutdown. On March 15th, I lost job #2 AND #3. Not a good time to be a freelancer. I set an alarm for 7:30am every morning to sit on hold with Unemployment. I memorized the prompts and could basically do it in my sleep. “What next?” I thought. I found myself in a large apartment, alone, with zero drive to do anything. I didn’t pick up a piece of music or an instrument for weeks. I got more sleep in seven days than I had in the last year. I obsessed over finishing puzzles and spot cleaning every inch of the apartment. I gained weight, my bangs grew so long I couldn’t see and I finally learned how to paint my nails with my non-dominant hand. I envied and cursed those that ran away to picturesque family mountain homes or had a significant other to lean on and quarantine with. Well, this sucks.

Naivety got the best of me, because I truly didn’t think we would still be here nearly nine months later. Sleep, bake bread, Zoom workout class, FaceTime, more sleep, more FaceTime, too much bread, rinse, lather, repeat.

so what am I trying to get at here?

It’s easy to count this year as a loss, but I have to give 2020 credit for helping me realize that I wasn’t truly living into my values and that I used being busy to mask my unhappiness. Believe it or not, there was joy to be found in the pile of shit that was 2020.

An empty Times Square, if you can believe it. April 2020.

Honestly, some of the most amazing things happened: I stood by two friends as their Maid of Honor on their wedding days, my childhood best friend found out she’s having twins, my best gal from college bought a house with the man she loves, I got the medical diagnosis that now helps me understand my body better than ever, I purchased my first pair of hiking boots and traded my city life for the mountains, I blocked out Imposter Syndrome and applied for four Master’s programs in a field outside of performing that genuinely interests me, I learned to live in solitude minimally and peacefully, I embraced that there is no such thing as failure, only a change of mindset, and I am currently throwing darts at the map to see where I should go next. Okay, the last one is terrifying, but exciting.

Looming uncertainty, yes. But also, overwhelming possibility.

Get at it; what a gift.

My high school best friend’s wedding in Jacksonville, FL.

My best city gal’s wedding in Murial’s Inlet, SC.

I’m going to be an Auntie to TWO sweet babies!

Looking forward to what 2021 will bring. It’s honestly all a crapshoot, but part of the journey.

Mount Erie, Anacortes, WA.

Lake 22, Snoqualamie National Forest

Choose faith over fear. I’m lucky to see another year rounding the bend.

You are, too.