5+ Ways to Rediscover Light After a Loved One Chooses to Leave Life
By: Lee Nourse
Tags: Suicide, Relationships, Mental Health, Happiness, Grief And Loss

Early morning September 14, 2016 my 61-year-old brother drove his car to a spot he loved. Nobody knows precisely how he spent his final hours. But we do know that he parked his Kia near the bridge at Bowness Park in Calgary. Evidence suggests he laid back for a while in his reclined seat. Likely contemplating…and struggling.

His diagnosis years before had been Bi-Polar with some Psychosis. Depression and chronic insomnia also plagued him.

As he laid there, he would have watched the night sky fade to light. He would have seen the lush green park against the blue sky.

That last trip to his favourite park had to have been shrouded by darkness. Before the sun rose and shone on him. Before he trudged up to the bridge…climbed up on the rail…

Rachel Pruchno, Ph.D, says “suicide is a scar that doesn’t heal”. (Psychology Today)

But don’t despair. While there is no way to avoid the initial shock, sorrow, guilt — and other emotions we’re bound to feel, there are ways to move beyond them. And to feel happy again.

The Family’s Initial Shock

My family members and I each responded differently. We grieved (and still do) in our own private ways.

My sisters went into automatic pilot as they dealt with the legalities. Closing his bank account, paying bills, moving, cleaning, and selling his car…I heard mainly about their stress associated with those tasks in the weeks following.

Our parents were living in separate Senior Care Facilities. Mom went to be with Dad, who was in final stage dementia, when she heard the news. They just held each other and sobbed.

Then Mom just closed down…didn’t address her grief. She repeatedly said Duane was in a better place. That he was released from pain.

Our dad reacted with deep sorrow followed by anger and confusion. By the sixth week, however, something remarkable happened. He reached out to each of his daughters. Gently he asked how we were coping with the loss of our brother. He took initiative to see that we three daughters were alright. He said repeatedly, “we’ll get through this as a family”.

The primary emotion that washed over me was guilt. A tremendous sense of guilt for not reaching out to my troubled brother more.

Above all, sadness was the common denominator among our surviving family members. And all of us except Dad felt a certain relief for Duane. That he was finally at peace…freed from pain.

Dad just couldn’t accept that his son took his life. He could barely think or feel anything beyond deep sadness and confusion.

Remember the Good Times

It sounds cliche, but this sagely advice can greatly contribute to your healing.

Honour your late loved one by reliving happy moments you shared with him or her. Or even those moments that you didn’t experience, but heard about your loved one experiencing.

The first memory that came to mind after Duane died was of our childhood Christmas Eves.

Duane would let me sleep in his bedroom. Then we got up together before dawn on Christmas morning. Tiptoed to the tree to discover together what Santa had left.

I had to sleep on his floor those nights. Even so, I felt privileged to be with my big brother! Thrilled that he even let me in his room at all!

What I remembered most about those times was how Duane rigged up a contraption to flick the light switch on and off while laying in bed.

He simply tied one end of a long piece of string to the switch and placed the opposite end by his bed. To my young mind it was a brilliant invention…by my big brother, the genius inventor.

5 Plus Ways to Kickstart Your Healing

In the early days of your loss, every moment seems cloaked in darkness. But the darkness eventually lifts to make way for the light again. If you or someone you know is stuck in the darkness, try one or more of these strategies.

• Laughter — Try to recall comic, fun, or simply pleasant times together.

• Photographs — Look at old photos. Ask family and friends to send photos you don’t have. I still keep a picture of my brother when he was happy on my fridge 6 months after he took his life.

• Create Meaningful Objects — Some people make quilts with clothes that belonged to their late loved one.

• Write — The process of writing can be cathartic. Stories, journals, and letters written to your loved one can facilitate your healing.

• Physical Activity — This could be by way of yoga, dancing, martial arts, working out at the gym, or simply vigorous walking.

I’ve discovered something else that helps me. I keep a highly valued possession of his close to me.

Duane played guitar, piano…and harmonica. In fact, he seldom went anywhere without one of the dozen or so harmonicas he owned. He played it so passionately it became his voice.

So when my sister mailed me one of these — complete with finger print smudges and lint in every nook and cranny — I felt part of him was back.

It was in my favourite coat pocket for at least a year. Finally I created a small shrine for Duane and dad in my home office. The harmonica sits there by my brother’s photo. Sounds far fetched, but when I wrap my fingers around that harmonica, he is there with me.

Finally, be patient. Try one or more of these 5+ kickstarters. And know you can rediscover light after your loved one chooses to leave this life.