NFL Week 16 Picks and Christmas Presents for Every Team
By: Brandon Anderson
Tags: NFL, Culture, Sports, Humor, Television

2020 CHRISTMAS GIFTS FOR EVERY TEAM

TIER IX — HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS

32. Jacksonville Jaguars 1–13 (Previous rank: 31)

Christmas came early for the Jags, courtesy of the Jets. Trevor Lawrence goes from orange and purple to Gotham Green to teal and gold. Hope Jacksonville threw away the receipt.

31. New York Jets 1–13 (32)

I bought the Jets How to Lose Everything: A Mostly True (and Obviously Jets) Story, but the shipping got delayed in the mail. Hope they still get it in time before they screw up something huge and franchise-altering.

TIER VIII — BAD SANTA

30. Cincinnati Bengals 3–10–1 (30)

For the Bengals, I got the best orthopedic surgeon in the world. Get well soon, Joe Burrow.

29. Carolina Panthers 4–10 (28)

To the Panthers, I grant patience. The record may not be pretty, but Matt Rhule and Joe Brady have been a huge success, and this franchise is headed in the right direction.

28. Detroit Lions 5–9 (22)

Lions fans get this dusty VHS copy of a 38–6 playoff win over the Dallas Cowboy from January 5, 1992. It remains the only NFL playoff win in Detroit franchise history.

27. Denver Broncos 5–9 (24)

Broncos fans get permission to change Denver to a basketball town. The Nuggets are really good, and fun! Stop doing this to yourselves, Broncos fans. Drew Lock is not a thing.

26. Houston Texans 4–10 (25)

To Houston I give literally any other human professional football player besides Deshaun Watson. Get this man some help already.

TIER VII — THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS

25. Dallas Cowboys 5–9 (29)

Dallas gets a signed blank check from Jerry Jones to Dak Prescott. It’s a wonderful life, Cowboys fans, and you just saw what the future looks like without Dak. Back up the Brinks truck and give him anything he wants.

24. New York Giants 5–9 (21)

The Giants get nothing from me. I’m still bitter about the 41–0 NFC Championship Game in 2001.

23. Philadelphia Eagles 4–9–1 (23)

Philadelphia gets a Kiss-Marry-Kill game with Carson Wentz, Jalen Hurts, and Doug Pederson. You don’t get to keep all three, Philly. It doesn’t make sense. Pick your partner, jettison the other two, and move on. It’s time.

TIER VI — DIE HARD

22. Atlanta Falcons 4–10 (27)

For the Atlanta Falcons, I petition Roger Goodell to end all NFL games with four minutes remaining in the third quarter. Stop the count!!

21. New England Patriots 6–8 (20)

New England fans get NFL Sunday Ticket so they can watch Tom Brady play in Tampa. Remember having a quarterback?? Idiots.

20. San Francisco 49ers 5–9 (19)

The 49ers get a real quarterback. If Kyle Shanahan can get this much out of Handsome Jimmy G, Nick Mullens, and something called C.J. Beathard, imagine what he could do with even Wentz or Kirk Cousins.

19. Los Angeles Chargers 5–9 (26)

For the Chargers, I asked the Friday Night Lights writers to stop coming up with such uniquely creative ways to lose a game every fourth quarter. Turns out just firing Anthony Lynn might have done the trick.

TIER V —WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING

18. Las Vegas Raiders 7–7 (17)

For the Raiders, I got a spider, two Ys, and a banana. The real ones know.

17. Minnesota Vikings 6–8 (16)

The Vikings get a new offensive coordinator and a modern offense. I promise, you really can use pre-snap motion, guys. You’re even allowed to pass on first down now. It’s crazy.

16. Chicago Bears 7–7 (18)

Chicago gets a big fat contract extension for Mitchell Trubisky. A playoff run! Mitch looks so good! Sign me up for at least three more Trubisky seasons.

15. Washington Football Team 6–8 (15)

For Washington, I got a new team name. Baby steps.

TIER IV — TRADING PLACES

14. Los Angeles Rams 9–5 (4)

The Rams get one of those NBA amnesty clauses to use on Jared Goff. Imagine owing a guy $134 million the next four years and he can’t even beat the Jets. The 0–13 Jets!!

13. Arizona Cardinals 8–6 (14)

For the Cardinals, I got two losses to end the season. It’s a long-term play. I need the Bears to make the playoffs for my gift to make sense, and you need to miss the playoffs so Arizona fires Kliff Kingsbury and gets a real coach.

12. Pittsburgh Steelers 11–3 (7)

Pittsburgh gets a holiday time machine so they can transport back to Thanksgiving when they were 11–0 and excited for a Turkey Day game with the Ravens before everything went wrong. Holy smokes, did it all go wrong.

11. Miami Dolphins 9–5 (13)

For Miami, I give permission to start Ryan Fitzpatrick the rest of the season. Maybe Tua Tagovailoa will be good someday, but this team deserves a real shot in the playoffs, and we deserve a chance to bet against Fitzmagic once he gets there.

10. Seattle Seahawks 10–4 (12)

Seattle gets special dispensation to allow Russ to cook but only two more times this season, including the playoffs. You already used up your six #LetRussCook games the first half of the season, and now you’re paying the consequences. I’m giving you two and only two more. Use them wisely.

9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 9–5 (9)

For Tampa, I’m giving them an abacus. In case Tom forgets what down it is again in a key moment.

TIER III — HAPPIEST SEASON

8. Indianapolis Colts 10–4 (10)

The Colts are having a pretty nice season, but I can’t help but wonder what this team would look like with a little luck on their side. Though, with that beard and deep guttural voice, he’s probably pretty busy this time of year.

7. Tennessee Titans 10–4 (11)

For the Titans, I got them another year with Arthur Smith as offensive coordinator. Somehow he doesn’t seem to be getting a ton of buzz, despite turning Ryan Tannehill into a borderline top-5 quarterback literally overnight.

6. Baltimore Ravens 9–5 (8)

The Ravens get a real NFL receiver. And not one who retired seven years ago. Just literally anyone who can run a route and catch a pass from the reigning MVP. Please, I don’t ask for much.

5. Cleveland Browns 10–4 (6)

For the Browns, I’m getting a giant pause button. Cleveland is 10–4, despite being outscored on the season. The Steelers are in free fall. The Ravens have disappointed all year. The Browns are on the brink of the playoffs with a chance to win the division. Cleveland fans, it can really only go downhill from here. Enjoy your Christmas, like really soak it in. The end is nigh.

TIER II — LOVE, ACTUALLY

4. New Orleans Saints 10–4 (5)

The Saints get Drew Brees and Michael Thomas magically healthy again for the playoffs. It’s kind of incredible how good this team has been even without them doing anything all year, and they’re our best hope for a good game against the Chiefs in the Super Bowl if they can get right.

3. Green Bay Packers 11–3 (3)

The Packers get nothing, and they’ll get nothing the next three decades either. You insufferable fans spent the last 30 years rooting for two legendary Hall of Fame quarterbacks without so much as a breath of air in between and still managed to screw this up so bad you won a single solitary Super Bowl with each. At no point in your rambling, incoherent fandom were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this article is now dumber for having listened to you. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your souls.

2. Buffalo Bills 11–3 (2)

The Bills get a home playoff win, or maybe even two, plus a decade or more with Josh Allen. Honestly, y’all deserve this. Get it.

TIER I — IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE

1. Kansas City Chiefs 13–1 (1)

What do you get the team that already has everything? Patrick Mahomes is NFL Santa, and he is the gift that keeps on giving. The Chiefs are the favorite in every game and every season until proven otherwise.

Merry Christmas, everyone! Let’s get to the Week 16 picks…