Wisdom I Wish I’d Heard As A 1st Grader
By: Brent Goldman
Tags: Humor, Comedy, Advice

1. Think ahead

Listen kid, you may not know exactly what a 401k is yet — hell, I’m 36 and I’m still not quite sure. That doesn’t matter, if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s to start contributing to your 401k early. Tell your neighbor who runs the lemonade stand that if he wants you to work 20 hours over the weekend when you could be coloring or picking up chicks, he better match a minimum of 4% every other week. Otherwise you need to stop, drop and open up shop with a better lemonade stand right next to his that also has Arnold Palmers. Capitalism 101. Related, you should buy life insurance now while it’s really cheap.

2. Go green

I may not still be on this earth in 30 years, but you will be. Why should I take care of the environment? The literal weight of the world is on your shoulders, not mine. You may want to give up the Ford F150 Powerwheels and switch to the Prius one or a toy car with pedals. The amount of electricity you use each ride to the playground is only making our energy crisis worse. Your boy George is curious why you’re contributing to ruining his natural habitat. No pressure — just something to think about during nap time.

3. Be nice to everyone

Be nice to your teacher. Be nice to your mother. Be nice to the lunch lady. You know the smelly kid who shows up every day with mac n’ cheese all over his face? The one who picks his nose and then wipes it on the bottom of his cubby to make a booger collection? The one who brings in caterpillars hoping they’ll turn into butterflies, but every single time they turn into a moth and he lets it out in the classroom so your teacher has to kill it? Be nice to him too. You don’t want to be the reason he comes in with a gun junior year of high school. Let that be the pretty girl who knows she’s pretty so she treats people horribly.

4. Learn to code

You’re in first grade. This isn’t preschool anymore. If you don’t know how to code, you should pretty much give up on making it to third grade. You know Adam Finch? He built his own app that can warn his mom up to five minutes before he throws a tantrum over missing Legos. What have you done? Every year, younger and younger people become billionaires. If you don’t know how to code, how are you going to get seed funding? Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself. You’re already behind the curve.

5. Move to New York

Now. You have to do it while you’re young, then get out before you have a family. 1st grade is the perfect chance, especially if you can find an affordable sublet with a washer dryer included. Living in New York toughens you up — ask any middle schooler: the moment they grew up was when they witnessed their first 1am street fight between junkies in the East Village. Also, go gentrify a neighborhood. By the time you’re in college it’ll be full of hipsters and craft apple juice bars.

6. Get to know your neighbors

So you’re going to live in New York (see above). You better know who you’re living near. Sex offenders are all around us, and a lot of them would love nothing like some fresh 1st grade meat. You need to know which of your neighbors have criminal backgrounds. Then, you need to be nice to them (see #3). Hang out with them, cook them dinner but don’t let them convince you that they’re a doctor. You don’t want them to come for you because they thought you were pretentious and condescending.

7. Embrace your flaws

You can’t write in cursive, you don’t know the periodic table of elements, you don’t even know how to file your taxes, you dumbass. This is all fine. By knowing your weaknesses and flaws, you can truly understand yourself. Maybe you have commitment issues and can’t decide which Hotwheels car you want. Perfect. Tell that kindergarden girl that you can’t put a ring pop on it yet. Maybe you have a lisp. Avoid Chinatown when you move to New York, so they don’t think you’re mocking them. Only when you know your flaws can you find your strengths.

8. Find ways to save money

You’re young and naive. You’ll get spam emails telling you that for just $9 a month you can get unlimited access to the best of MILFs with eyepatches. Well, you can save that $9 from the Arnold Palmers and put it into your 401K, because what they don’t tell you in first grade is that there is free porn ALL OVER THE INTERNET. Seriously — 40% of the internet is porn. The fact that you ended up here instead of looking at porn is pretty much divine intervention.

9. Work can always wait

Teachers and bosses will try to say, “You need to know simple addition to live” or, “If you don’t learn how to read, nobody will respect you.” None of that is true — look at Floyd Mayweather. That can all wait until you’re 40. Live in the moment — not in yesterday or tomorrow. How did you even build a time machine that would let you do that? Can I see your code on that?