Finding Peace with My ‘Awkward’ Body
By: Saff Kx
Tags: Skincare, Beauty, Peace, Perfectionism, Body Image

TW: body image

I would say it was only in the last couple of months or so that I began to have real issues with how I perceived my body. I can guarantee that down to the lockdowns and a lot of time in the house that my mind eventually went to pick fault with my body. In the first lockdown, there was a lot of pressure to get that ‘quarantine body’ and not having the normal day-to-day things to keep me busy I began to see myself in a different way.

I have a complicated history with my body. I made peace with it at eighteen, I fell out of love with it at twenty, and at twenty-one, I found acceptance again. But, as twenty-two hit and the oncoming pandemic, this year has been one complicated relationship. I found myself seeing it in a warped sense because during the first lockdown the only reason I really had to go out was to do a food shop, so I pretty much lived in casual clothing and pajamas.

I forgot what my body looked like, and when I was reintroduced to it with the easing of restrictions I felt very conflicted. I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t love it. I just found it awkward. Nothing quite looked right, and it made me more conscious of it. As autumn/winter hit I began to find comfort in my oversized jumpers and leggings again.

The second lockdown took a toll on me, and I was just so anxious about everything, this was one thing that I struggled with. I was so nauseous I virtually lost my appetite, and the weight began to drop off. And that was a bigger cause for worry because the body was just getting to grips with was changing and I couldn’t handle this awkward shape I was left with.

Going back to work this month and having to wear clothes that were more fitting, I saw my body again. I love my job, I love working in skincare but working in a beauty store has been hard during this last year. Shortly, after I started my masters I began to have terrible breakouts on my cheeks that would never go away. I tried medicated treatments, skin care treatments but they only eased once the stress of the degree had gone. These same breakouts occurred again last month because I was again so stressed out, and it is only in the last week as I have made peace with other aspects of my life that as the weight of worries lifted my skin had begun to get better.

The entire time I would be self-conscious like I should have perfect skin because that is my job and I have access to all the tools to do that. Wearing masks helped hide it, but at break times I would feel like everyone was looking because I know that is what I was hyperfixating on. The likelihood is that they were not. But working in an environment where there is a heavy influence on physical appearance has made things difficult for me to deal with.

I also grew up with mixed feelings, mostly negative feelings around my body. There is so much focus on women’s bodies in South Asian culture. Are you covered up enough? The moment you show curves or bodyweight and type that is not straight and thin, you must hide every part of you. Jeans and a t-shirt suddenly become criminally revealing at eighteen. It had a massive effect on how I perceived my body. It’s why summer is one of my most dreaded seasons of the year because it becomes too hot to layer or hide away parts of yourself.

It had a massive impact on how I perceived my body.

Not to mention that Asian clothing is very much made for that one body type in mind. I used to hate eid/wedding clothes shopping because I knew the clothes would not suit me. Everything would just drown me and make everything appear bigger, or that every piece of clothing my mum would say ‘I can alter that for you.’ It was demoralising and had me crying in many shop dressing rooms. Just like western models, you never see any South Asian models that are representative of the average woman. There is literally no mainstream media that shows what our bodies actually look like, and it is incredibly hard to deal with sometimes.

Then you have social media. This I really did not think affected me, until I talked to some friends about it, and seeing constant perfection is difficult to deal with in times like this. We discussed how we see other bodies that look like ours and think ‘wow she looks amazing’ and then the moment we see our own there comes criticism. We see the flaws that others don’t see.

There is a pressure for everything to be perfect and uphold the best image of yourself online.

The media does not help with this, constantly bashing women celebrities saying ‘oh my god look at xyz without makeup,’ and all other kinds of headlines. Not long ago Billie Eilish had her physical appearance ripped to pieces over social media because she was dressed in loungewear-like clothing probably just running some errands. There is this unrealistic expectation on women to look perfect all of the time.

One of the things that I have found to be helpful is a few estheticians that I follow on socials, the most notable being MakeupForWOC who I initially followed for her skincare knowledge. But she tells skincare as it is, that perfection is not achievable but you can get good skin. The brand Topicals is also great, they post pictures of ‘imperfect’ skin, they show what real people look like.

I am also so lucky to have such great women in my life that have helped me learn to love the way I look. Even though I am not quite there again, they helped me see things in a different way. New media is also doing this with more diverse publications, specifically online magazines that are really taking off this year. For the first time, I had read several articles about Pakistani women who had left faith talking about things like independence, body image, dating, and relationships. Something that I have never seen ever, and it was so refreshing to finally be represented in media platforms and it not just be social media. Refinery29, Aurelia Magazine, and Women’s Republic are great for this.

S omething that I have never seen ever, and it was so refreshing to finally be represented in media platforms and it not just be social media.

Finally, talking about all of these things helps. Talking about my mind not being perfect, that it’s been a tough year and we don’t need to pretend like it hasn’t been. Talking about the hard, dark stuff because if we don’t we just internalise it and that can be a very lonely feeling. Writing posts like these and the others on this platform has forced me to become vulnerable in a way I haven’t been, but writing has been the only thing that has kept me remotely sane. There will be things that are still kept for just me because there are some things that are just too personal and painful to talk about. But, to talk about just a few and have others say it’s put feelings into words they cannot express or just that they were the words they needed to hear is why I will continue to try and be as open as possible. To make others feel less alone, and at the same time, it makes me feel less alone.

Now I have been growing to accept my body and my skin as it is, just the other day I got dressed up in socially acceptable outdoor clothes, did my makeup, and took myself out on some errands/coffee shop date. I also took pictures of myself, for me. Full body pictures are rare for me to do, but over the last week, I am learning to accept myself again. One day I will get back to seeing myself as eighteen-year-old me did.

I hope with pieces like these and the new magazines that are producing some amazing content that we can change the narrative on how we talk about women’s bodies in general, but specifically in the South Asian community because there is a lot to unpack there, and I am seeing many great sites doing this.