Can Your Partner Be Your Best Friend?
By: Tracy Busby
Tags: Life, Life Lessons, Psychology, Relationships, Mental Health

Relationships

Can Your Partner Be Your Best Friend?

I didn’t think so. And then I did. And now I don’t.

Photo by Kirill Vasilev on Unsplash

In my first marriage, my husband and I told each other we were best friends. I felt like such a liar. Was I lying? I wanted it to be true. I really did. Your husband is supposed to be your best friend, right?

But he did things and said things to me that none of my friends ever would have. I remember some of our fights where I was sitting there just sobbing and saying, “You’re not my friend. You’re not even close.” He’d just call me a drama queen.

I remember feeling (somewhat) relieved when some sort of “expert" would say that “Your husband is not meant to be your best friend, ladies. That’s what your girlfriends are there for.”

One even said, “Your husband’s only obligations to you are food, shelter and clothing. Everything else is a bonus.” Fuck you, too, sir. You’re an asshole. My only obligation is to get my ass out of there, because I am his bonus.

But honestly, at the time, I took that man’s words to heart. I used his words to keep me going in my marriage and tell myself that what was happening was okay.

I became fine with him not being my best friend. I didn’t even hope for that anymore. And every time he said things that cut me, I told myself, He’s only obligated to provide for me. And obviously, since I refer to him as my first husband, I left him…after 21 years.

My current husband I love more than I ever thought I could love a man. And I truly felt we were best friends. The reason is, because I trusted him with more of myself than I ever have with anyone, ever, even after I decided to never trust anyone with that part of me again.

This is also the reason why I now do not believe your husband or partner can be your best friend.

Because I trusted him with more of myself than I ever have with anyone. He held that in his hands. It was sacred.

Your best friend — you don’t have that fragile piece of the puzzle. That’s why you’re still best friends after 43 years. With something that sacred, when it’s fucked with, the scars are great and deep.

Photo by Yannick Menard on Unsplash

And if you stay together after that one person shattered that fragile piece, and it’s because you truly do love that person, and not out of obligation or because you’re scared to leave, but because you forgive the fact that you couldn’t trust them, that takes incredible strength. That’s a shitload of pain and vulnerability on both parts.

No, you’re not best friends. You’re so much more. There is so much more at stake. Best friends are amazing and soul-deepening. You add the kind of intimacy that comes with being together as life partners and it’s a whole other level.

For an “expert” to simplify it the way he did by saying, “Your husband was never meant to be your best friend,” and, “his only obligation is food, shelter and clothing,” and we should be grateful for anything else — I feel sorry for them.

And I feel sorry for anyone who accepted that and never went looking for more. I hope they somehow got the chance to experience something deeper. As much as it can hurt, I think it’s better than not knowing.