15 Lessons of a Deeply Miserable Relationship: What I Learned
By: Joanna Henderson
Tags: Dating, Relationships, Psychology, Love, Dating Advice

I’ve been in a 2-year relationship that was extremely miserable and draining. In my defense, I was barely over 20, and it was my very first somewhat serious relationship. Despite the lack of experience, I was much more mature compared to the guy. Having that said, I should have left much earlier, but I’m too keen on giving people more chances.

Below are the lessons I learned from this relationship. I will be referencing my ex-partner as a male, but all of this is easily applicable to any gender.

When He Tells You Who He is — Believe Him

In the very beginning, even before we started dating, he mentioned that he’s not a nice person. I, being the person that I am, had to reassure him that he is definitely a decent guy, and he should think better of himself. I don’t have a savior complex, nor do I believe that people change, but I choose to see everyone as a potentially nice person. Looking back, I should have gotten the message loud and clear.

If He Doesn’t Know What He Wants — Look for Someone Who Does

The guy couldn’t decide if he wanted to date. On top of that, he wasn’t good at showing that he cares. The truth is, if you encounter someone who doesn’t want you, you need to forget about them and look for someone who would actually want to be with you. Because, if they do, they will make it very clear. Waiting for them to show their interest, when they clearly don’t have you as a priority, is a waste of time.

There are millions of people around you. Start looking for someone who wants to be with you.

If you encounter someone who doesn’t want you, you need to forget about them and look for someone who would actually want to be with you.

Impulsiveness and Immaturity Should be Deal Breakers

Our relationship was borderline comedic. The fella would change his mind constantly, without ever considering using his mind instead of his emotions. If there were an issue, he would freak out, say something impulsive and tell me we need to end things. But then, he would apologize, ask for another chance — and this pattern would repeat itself.

If a person is immature to the point of ending the relationship because of something small — it’s a red flag. If they are guided by their emotions and have zero regard to your feelings and how their impulsiveness can hurt you — run for the hills.

Emotional Abuse isn’t Always Obvious

To be fair, my ex has never said an ill word to me or about me. It was his attitude and disregard for my needs and feelings that was a huge problem. However, in my opinion, lack of care towards other person’s feelings and the act of hurting them without giving it a second thought can constitute emotional abuse. At the very least, I consider my former relationship borderline emotionally abusive. Even if that abuse wasn’t intentional — it didn’t make it any easier.

Absence of Care

You can easily tell if your partner cares or not. It’s about them using the love languages — my ex was clearly mute and deaf at the same time. Not asking me if I was OK under challenging situations is one example. Not caring about my health was more evident. Lack of interest in my life views and values was a big one as well.

You can always see if the other party pays attention and cares.

It’s evident when your partner prioritizes everything else in your life, but you.

You Deserve to Be a Priority

In my case, everything else was a priority for him, but me — his work, his career, his friends, his friends’ friends — even his phone. Let me tell y’all: competing with the phone is horrendous. Absurdly enough, I would often lose.

It’s evident when your partner prioritizes everything else in your life, but you.

He Shouldn’t Choose Money over You

In the very beginning, after spending three months developing a connection, he finally offered me to date. Then, he managed to ruin it two weeks later, simply because he got a job offer. Work was his priority, and instead of looking for ways to balance both, he chose to end things. Naturally, he changed his mind two days ago, and then — an hour later. Looking back, I sometimes question my sanity.

Additionally, he was more interested in going to fancy restaurants instead of talking about meaningful things and discussing important topics. I told him multiple times that I don’t care about restaurants, money, and other materialistic things — instead, I want to get familiar with his personality, and how he feels. He would brush it off every time. By the way, going to expensive places, when you are determined to pay half — or almost half — of the time, and you don’t even want to be there, isn’t very fun.

Absence of Gifts is a Red Flag

OK, this probably sounds shallow. But I don’t mean expensive gifts. The first Christmas, he asked me what kind of jewelry I like. I made it very clear that I don’t like material things too much, and I would prefer emotional gifts. Not even once, he gave me one.

He, on the other hand, has an entire collection of my emotional gifts to him. Because, when I run errands and see something that reminds me of him — he will get it in a gift bag the next time I see him. When I travel somewhere, even if we were broken up, I would get something for him. If I were grocery shopping before our date, I would buy him his favorite cupcake. Not to mention, all my gifts were very thought out, and they always symbolized my love and our connection.

Once, I spent two weeks designing a collection of T-shirts for him and his four bros. I wanted to give all of them, and especially him, a perfect Christmas gift. Unfortunately, this project ended up being too challenging to accomplish, and there wasn’t a supplier who could do it for me. Still, I have always invested a lot of time and energy into all of my gifts because I cared.

Someone who loves you wouldn’t deprive you of love and attention.

You Shouldn’t Ask for Affection

I understand that not everyone is OK with a public display of affection. Ironically, some people aren’t very good at a private one either. Being with a man who never volunteers to kiss you more than once, or doesn’t show you much affection at all, doesn’t feel right. It’s always easy to tell if he genuinely loves you, and he wants to express that. Especially when you are an affectionate person, and you indicated how important this is.

Someone who loves you wouldn’t deprive you of love and attention.

He Has to be Mindful of Your Health and Well-being

As someone with depression, I need people around me to understand what’s going on. Everyone else in my life invested their time into doing research about mental health and listening to me what I described the struggles that come with this disease. Everyone, but for him. Moreover, he never considered how his actions damaged my mental health. Because thinking about someone else but yourself is not an option for him.

Mistreating Others is a Red Flag

He was playing nice around me, at least for a while. Had I notice his mistreatment towards others, I would have probably walked away sooner. If he disrespects other people, he will eventually start treating you the same way.

I, being a decent human being, treat everyone with respect. Unfortunately, it was too difficult of a concept for him. Being with someone mean and disrespectful is not an option.

If a person adds nothing to your life, especially when all you do is lift them up — they are not for you.

He Should Know What He’s Doing and What He Wants From Life

A lot of people are lost — that’s totally normal. What’s not normal is having no virtue, and doing nothing to discover yourself. Everyone is trying to find meaning in life, and we all wish to be happy.

It’s abundantly apparent when someone isn’t interested in figuring out life. Naturally, they are also indifferent towards you and the relationship. However, you are not a tool for someone to discover the meaning of life and what the heck they’re doing because it will be done at the expense of you and your feelings.

You Deserve to be Happy

I have always been a happy person, and I’m usually happy on my own. My motivation for starting a relationship is not to find someone who will make me happy — it’s about searching for a person to be happy together with. You can always tell when a relationship doesn’t serve you in the happiness department. In fact, it can make you less happy than you usually are. This is a clear sign to walk away.

If a person adds nothing to your life, especially when all you do is lift them up — they are not for you. It’s fantastic to have a kind and mature partner next to you. But when they are a complete opposite — there is a huge mismatch. In my case, the fella was only interested in himself.

He Shouldn’t Bring You Down

He didn’t do it in a critiquing and rude way, thank God. But his behavior and influence were always very negative and made you feel depressed.

A partner can bring you down simply by not adding value to your life. In my case, it was accompanied by quite a lot of indifference and negativity about everything and anything. Such an environment is incredibly toxic and can negatively affect one’s mind.

The goal is to find a person who would lift you and inspire you. Otherwise, it makes more sense to be on your own.

The Relationship is a Two-way Street

Abandoning a connection where the person always takes but never gives anything back, is the best decision you can make. Side note: this applies to friendships and family connections as well. It makes zero sense to give away so much of your love, energy, and care, yet receive nothing back.

There is no justification for staying with an emotional vampire. Just pack your bags and run.