Nights after discussing my options of therapy or seeing a psychiatrist, i had yet to make a…
Tags: Feelings, Bpd

Nights after discussing my options of therapy or seeing a psychiatrist, i had yet to make a conclusion.

I had been struggling for years, maybe even a lifetime. As a kid when you aren’t happy not many people notice. They just think you’re more mature or well behaved for your age. I knew i was suffering from something for years. The anger i held within my throat anytime any small inconvenience, the ability to hurt someone badly and not feel anything but maybe the sheer feeling that i won.

I was often seen as this monster. Angry, Scary and just unpleasant to be around. Even when i was younger. I was a hard sell to anyone even those who knew me. Or even those who were blood related to me. Often this wouldn’t bother me. The idea i was feared and not loved didn’t ever seem to faze me. Honestly, most times it felt like something to be proud of.

I had days where i would get so angry or depressed i couldn’t stand to be around anyone. I would blow up and disappear. But it wasn’t the worst days i felt defined me. The daily habits, the small good morning would send me into rage, door slamming, sudden and unstoppable anger. People got used to it, those i lived with stayed away. I no longer had family i could call my friends beside my mother, Who at times had a hard time understanding me as well.

I began to grow up and i was never one to have crushes as a child or have feelings like those. Not until high school. When i got into high school to summarize i got into 3, 8–12 month relationships. The first was definitely just a lesson, It was love but it wasn’t any kind of true love feeling. We were friends but not best friends, I didn’t sit up at night thinking about some fairytale future. I just loved the list i was in. The second, I was cheated on, left multiple times and basically made to feel as if i wasn’t enough. Which gave me more than enough trust issues although i grew up with enough. The third. The third was the hardest thing i ever had to live through. I was so in love. It was my first true love. I saw every aspect of my future with him, he said he saw the same with me. Which, i never would think those things first. i never thought that someone could feel those things about me, because i never thought i could feel those things at all. He told me all these things saying he loved me and he saw a future with me. I believed him. I trusted him. And it was perfect up until he left for college and i’m pretty sure he realized there was a million girls easier than me. Which truth be told, that was realistic. A few weeks before we broke up, i was struggling mentally, very badly. I asked everyday “am i losing you” and he always promised i wasn’t. And then he left.

I had two really bad weeks following the loss of the person i loved more than life. I didn’t eat, no water, no care for myself. I cried through thanksgiving, I forced myself to eat then i threw up. I had two of the worst weeks possible. One thing he said that bothered him was my immense amount of questions if he loved me or if he was leaving, which no matter how hard i tried, that was never going to change. I asked these painful questions, if he loved me anymore or if his life was better without me, saying i needed these questions answered so i can move on. He answered and it hurt. But the second he did, i felt free. I told him i’d love him for a long time, and that he could always reach out and that i was sorry for how i acted when i got bad but either way i don’t think it was okay how he acted out towards me. I felt free saying that, and i decided it was time to move on. He was following other girls and doing anything he could to prove he didn’t need me. Which was so aggressive at one point it felt fake. I am not a back and fourth argument kind of person. I let him be aggressive while i just did my thing.

I began working out to work up more of an appetite, it also allowed me to feel good about myself again and feel proud of myself. I ate better than i did even when i was happy in a relationship. I was talking to old friends and new people which shifted my focus from someone who hurt me to people who loved me. I finally reached out and looked into more help for my mental health. I was changing. I was going to be better. He didn’t want to stay when i was bad, and he didn’t want to stay no matter who i was. So it was time to live for myself.

i may have been an angry, scary monster my whole life. people may run and hide. i may not be able to stay in a relationship because i’m too hard to be with. but for once, i didn’t wake up with “monster guilt”. the thought that maybe there is something wrong with me, but it’s not my fault. I try so hard, i sat for those two weeks crying that i tried so hard this time. But i do try. I don’t sit there and use potential problems as a crutch, i try. I did my part. If people couldn’t live me as the monster i was, then they weren’t meant to be part of my life. If you couldn’t love me with the scary dark parts, you didn’t deserve the glittery outside it was wrapped in. I had to accept that. Everyone said, how did it take just two weeks to get over it? I was never truly over it, I just had to realize it wasn’t something i could control anymore. No one else will stop me from getting bad and sad quick besides myself. So i had to do that for me.

For once, Living for me.

-The Monster.