How to Build Honest Relationships With Boundaries
By: Barbara Grace
Tags: Boundaries, Relationships, Love, Couples, Self Love

What are boundaries in relationships?

“Our boundaries might be rigid, loose, somewhere in between, or even nonexistent. A complete lack of boundaries may indicate that we don’t have a strong identity or are enmeshed with someone else.” Tracey Cleantis

Mark Manson says: Boundaries in relationships work both ways: they create emotional health and are created by people with emotional health.

Dr John Amodeo says: Having boundaries means honoring ourselves as a separate individual with needs and wants that often differ from others.

Dr Tracey Hutchinson says: Boundaries are basic guidelines that people create to establish how others are able to behave around them.



As a younger woman I wish I’d learned how to push boundaries more. I would have discovered what it took to stand up for myself and respect my needs, rather than waiting for someone else to grant me that human right.

I wish I’d understood what it felt like to set my own boundaries, instead of being so sensitively attuned to those of others. That fear instilled during early years of ‘being out-of-bounds’ kept me ‘bound’ for longer than needed.

Setting Boundaries Can Be Tricky

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”― Brené Brown

Setting boundaries often comes with guilt for those who felt ‘bound’ for decades. The act of saying ‘no’ and prioritising oneself can feel selfish and ignorant. An act of having ‘power over’ another.



I hear partners tussle with this idea. When this happens, the person feeling guilt at setting a boundary needs to tackle an old belief about what it means to meet another’s need before considering one’s own.

Putting yourself last so other people come to think of you as ‘a nice person who always thinks of others’ is duping yourself into taking the role of ‘passive people pleaser’.

A friend used to describe this as the ‘burnt chop syndrome’. A place where mothers (usually it was the mother) would offer others the best pieces of meat and give herself the burnt, shrivelled, dried-out left-overs.

This doesn’t set up a person for having relationships built on equality, fairness or respect in their life. Much needs to be unlearned before creating respectful and healthy boundaries.

There will always be times when each of us puts another person’s needs first — in times of ill-health, a pressing problem or through being gracious or giving of one’s resources. That’s having a healthy boundary — one that flex in given circumstances.

Are Boundaries Necessary?

Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices. Gerard Manley Hopkins

Boundaries can feel so unnecessary when all is going well. In the early days a couple may feel they’ve intuitively read the same book on how to be relationally compatible. Nothing seems to get in the way of love and connection during those early days.



However, that blissful state lasts just long enough for us to relax before ego re-emerges for a reality check-up.