MY EATING DISORDER STORY (PART 2)
By: Alpaca Vogue
Tags: Anorexia Recovery, Growth, Body Image, Eating Disorder Recovery, Lessons Learned

It wasn’t until I was 18 years old when I fly off to the UK for the first time ever to further my study for my Degree. After a couple of months being there, I paid a visit to the NHS clinic located in my Uni campus and I went to see a doctor. I opened up to her about my period issues. She asked me a lot of questions and I answered everything honestly. I even opened up to her about my eating disorder issue and that was probably what lead to my irregular period. (At this point, I was no longer starving myself and I started to recover from my eating disorder but I still had a very negative perception towards my body).

Without getting into the technical medical terms here, basically, she told me that it is a good thing that I had come to the doctor early because actually, surprisingly, a lot of women had this same problem (eating disorder lead to irregular period/excruciating pain during period) and they ignored it or dismissed it thinking that it is probably just period cramp and they just kept it to themselves for years and years without even once going to the doctor to get themselves checked or even to simply ask about this. The only time when they would go and see a doctor was when they have decided that they are ready for a baby and they kept trying for so many years but nothing happened. But unfortunately, by that time, it would’ve already been too late because their fertility system has been severely damaged due to their eating disorder issue and the negative implications that happened within their internal system due to this.

So after putting your body through so much strain for so many years, eventually some things had to give. In this case, it is the woman’s ability to bear a child.

This could’ve happened to me.

I.was.speechless.

I never once would’ve thought that the price that I had to pay to BE and STAY thin, have model looking waist, thigh gaps, and also obtain validation from society was THIS.

The doctor said that although mine didn’t or haven’t reached that severity, the most important thing now was to get my period regular again. For this, I was advised to go on contraceptive pills because this will help to balance out my hormones and hopefully regulate my period.

To this day, I have been on the contraceptive pills for a little over 7 years now. Yes. That long.

This was the price that I had to pay in the long term due to my eating disorder.

That visit to the doctor was my turning point. From then on, I made the decision to get better and to recover.

The initial part of the recovery journey, or the starting point of any journey for that matter, is always very difficult/challenging. For years, I have been restricting myself severely and have a negative judgment towards any food, even water, so getting myself to not be fearful to eat was just ridiculously difficult. It wasn’t that I had no appetite. It was just that I had to overcome the constant thought of every time I eat, I will get fat.

One way that worked for me was I tried to be fully present every time I am eating something. What I mean by this is, I eat slowly and fully enjoy the taste of the food that I’m eating. For example, if I am eating ice cream, I would really take my time and actually allow myself to fully enjoy the taste of the ice cream. Giving myself permission to enjoy the taste of food was one of the ways that I was restricting myself back then because in my mind, if I enjoy it, then I would want more and more of it. Once I have more, then I will get fat.

Also, I started practicing gratitude whenever I eat something. I started being thankful and feeling appreciative that I get to eat delicious food. Sounds cliché’ but gratitude really does shift your perspective from negative to positive in such a significant manner!

Furthermore, I really enjoy the feeling of having MORE physical energy to actually do things and mental energy to think. Like seriously, for years I thought that I was just naturally weak because I felt like I could faint anytime every time I had to climb up stairs and also I felt like I was really squeezing my brain juice dry whenever I am revising. Amiran, you just need food. Calm down.

Of course, with any recovery journey, this takes time. A lot of time. And conscious effort.

Whether you have an eating disorder or not, I am sure that ALL of us can relate and admit to having negative perceptions or negative judgment towards how our body look like. There is always something that we wish we could change because we don’t like it or worst, we hate it. Even I wake up some mornings, look at myself in the mirror, and ask God why I don’t look like Beyonce.