I’d Let Someone Kill Me & My Family If I Could Have Margaritas With Mark Cuban On Any Of These Boats
By: Ryan Ciecwisz
Tags: Satire, Humor, Business, Mark Cuban, Boats

I’d Let Someone Kill Me & My Family If I Could Have Margaritas With Mark Cuban On Any Of These Boats

The only “shark attack” I fear is the gut-punch of Mark Cuban not wanting to be friends with me.

Photo by Mike Giles on Unsplash

He’s handsome, he’s wealthy, and no one who makes a salary lower than six figures deserves to make eye contact with him. I’m of course referring to Mark Cuban! Sharing a margarita on board a boat with him would be a privilege for which I’d gladly trade my life. And after sitting my family down and having a very difficult conversation with them, they ultimately gave me their blessing that they would be more than willing to lay down their lives to help me facilitate that goal, too. Here are the top 5 boats that I would love to slurp down that margarita with the Cubanator on.

Mark Cuban’s Yacht

This one should go without saying, but the list wouldn’t be complete if I neglected to include it. Even if Mark Cuban lured me onto his yacht with the promise of clinking glasses and sipping a sweet margarita with me, only to have my numerous enemies (I get many threats on any given day, but I only have reason to believe the ones coming from the wait staff at the Hard Rock Cafe are credible) pop out and kill me and my family, it would be worth it. There’s no denying that I’m going to Hell for my sins, such as commissioning a painting of me skinny dipping with Betty Boop, but I wouldn’t care so long as I got a few precious moments of heaven first.

The Mayflower

The Mayflower may have brought the Puritans to America, but there’s nothing pure about Mark Cuban and I getting together, drinking a couple margs, and talking about how awesome it is when you’re having sex with a woman and it lasts a really long time. And much like the Puritans, I too am seeking a new world: a world in which Mark Cuban and I are best friends. Imagine we’re out to dinner. I unscrew the cap of the salt shaker and it gets all over his food. Mark gets mad and punches me right in the stomach. I double over and thank him for putting me in my place; I was out of line. If he needs blood sacrifices to make that happen, me and my family would be honored to offer ourselves.

The Boat Jim Carrey Escapes On at the End of “The Truman Show”

Sorry Jim, you can walk the plank, because this sailboat only has room for a billionaire entrepreneur/investor, his biggest fan, and some margarita supplies. I want Mark to get a bit tipsy before I pitch him my idea: a service that sends 50% of all my earnings directly into Mark Cuban’s bank account. If the only way to make that happen would be offering up my life, or anyone in my family’s life, that’s more than okay with me.

Wonkatania

I don’t think I’m being controversial when I say I would trade my life or the life of anyone in my family for the opportunity to share a margarita on board Willy Wonka’s nightmare boat with the owner of the Dallas Mavericks! Waterboard me in the chocolate river while my parents are forced to watch, I don’t give a shit, so long as I can have a chill ass afternoon with the number one bad boy of business himself. And by the way, I’ve got a message to the U.S. government; if you dare try to tax Mark Cuban a penny more than he is paying right now, I’m going to light my car on fire.

Timber Mountain Log Ride at Knott’s Berry Farm

I know that I’d be able to conquer my fears and get on this log flume if I was drinking margaritas with Mark Cuban aboard it (even if at the end of the ride, certain death awaited me and my family). And I would also protect Mark so that not a single drop of water would get on his legendary t-shirt and jeans. He’d be so grateful at the end that he may even say that we don’t have to worry about killing me or my family. However, since we made a deal to do so, I would insist that he did anyway. Honor is the most important thing in my life, behind only the stock market, of course.