To Celebrate or Not?
By: Leilani Wagner
Tags: Life, Birthday, Death, Transitions, Rebirth

I am not quite sure what to feel today, or what to do. I don’t see death like a lot of people, and to be honest, I’m still trying to feel my way into what I view it as.

For context, my dad passed away in August, 2ish months after his birthday. I felt this immense power gained the day my dad passed. He passed away around midnight and my mom and I went to go be with his body as the mortuary came to get him. They didn’t come until 3:00am and then we didn’t get home until 5:00am. Then I started calling people, and then people started coming over, and then we started making arrangements. Outside of coffee, I felt this crazy energy within me, and I couldn’t understand why. I felt comfortable sharing all parts with myself that I wouldn’t have normally shared with family and didn’t feel a sense of judgment from them like I worried I would. It’s like my dad’s energy, his strength, passed through me as he passed on…. but I had sense that my dad wasn’t “done,” he transitioned. He could be floating around, doing his thing, or he could becoming something else. For every physical death, there is physical life. I witnessed this with my mom’s birds that passed last Monday. The next day, the eggs hatched in the nest that was being built in our awning in the backyard.

With death, comes life. With life, comes death. It’s the cycle in this life. But what happens between the death and birth?

Ok, so, long winded context behind the question of “what do I do?” I love my dad. I know that my dad as he was is no longer. His birthday was the day his physical body was born, but now he’s no longer in his physical body — so do we still celebrate something that is no longer? Should I celebrate his life on his birthday? Should I celebrate his life on his death day? Do I celebrate everyday? I’m still feeling into it. And as I got to the bottom of this, it felt wrong to hold on to his body’s birth- it felt like I was holding onto him in that life and not allowing him to transition to his next life- and that I don’t want to do- I never want to hinder someone’s growth or transformation.

Today I made enchiladas, because it’s what I remember my dad eating when we would go out for Mexican food (shout out Alcapulco in Alameda!) or when mom would bring some home after work. While he would have had ground beef enchiladas, I opted for vegetarian because trying to minimize my meat in take these days. Also, going to watch some old home movies later with my mom… but my dad was usually the one behind the camera. So… while I didn’t say “happy birthday” today, I did eat some foods that my dad liked (food is big in our family). I didn’t get him a gift, I didn’t light a candle, but I celebrated him. I think that’s it… celebrate his life, doesn’t matter which day, as long as he is celebrated… and also, recognize the impact he had on my life — celebrate that. Celebrate the lessons. Celebrate the impact… but I don’t have to celebrate his birth, when his physical body is no longer. And that’s ok.

If you don’t agree, that’s ok. You’re entitled to celebrate life and death the way you like. How I celebrate doesn’t change or affect the way you celebrate… and both can coexist.

If you go to this point, thanks for reading. Would love to hear your views on birth, life, death, the transition, and the in-between.