Democracy, in miniature
By: Aparna Sanjay
Tags: Life Lessons, Family, Conversations, Relationships, Stories

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Our family thrives on structure. By our family — I mean my husband and me, who wouldn’t be able to keep it together without discipline and rituals. We have a gratitude ritual every night, we set annual goals for ourselves and the kids, and a couple of years ago, my husband suggested we start holding monthly family meetings.

I balked at the idea. It reminded me of a couple of ex-bosses who would waste time by scheduling random meetings.

We need to communicate more, the husband said.

I rolled my eyes. Maybe they weren’t communicating with him. My kids were sitting on my head all day. I need less communication, not more.

But you can’t argue with this chap once he gets a bee in his bonnet (or an idea whizzing under his salt & pepper head). So I sent a memo to the kids.

They rose up like the Arab spring.

“I don’t have time for this!” fumed our overworked (so he says) teen.

“Oh no! Now you’ll all start asking me about my goals!” wailed our tween daughter.

I reasoned with them. “In a democracy, everyone needs to be part of the decision-making process. We don’t want to thrust decisions down your throat.”

“You’ve been doing that quite well for 14 years. I didn’t know this dictatorship had morphed into a democracy” muttered the teen.

“Anyways, no more arguments. The meeting is tomorrow at 10!” I announced, with a show of firmness.

“I thought we were a democracy?” the daughter asked sweetly.

The next morning, our first family meeting.

Husband (H): Let’s start with an emotional pulse check. How do we feel?

(to me:) You take notes

(Typical CEO vibes!)

Daughter (D): I’m feeling stressed because of this meeting.

H: Ok. Stressed. What else?

D: Ummm….irritated, upset, angry……

H (hastily): Ok that’s enough. Next!

Son (S): I’m Ok. I have an assignment to finish. How long will this take?

H: This is more important than your assignment. And OK is not an emotion. Be specific.

S: Anxious? Why is this meeting even happening?

H (ignoring him & addressing me): What are you feeling?

Me: Why do I always have to take notes?

H: Because no one can do it better than you

(Hmm. Probably that’s why he kept taking my notes through two years of B-school?)

After this inauspicious beginning, we move on to annual and monthly goals and progress thereof. I am taking diligent notes and color-coding everything (I really am good at this!). Finally, we throw the floor open for anyone to raise any issue that’s bothering them. The whole thing takes about 30 minutes.

Turns out, running a democracy sounds good on paper. Give me an authoritarian regime any day! Democracies are demanding and unruly. They demand accountability, honesty, tolerance, and respect; surprisingly, not all of these are a given even within an affectionate, non-dysfunctional family.

Yet we have persisted with our monthly family meetings for more than 2 years now. Why?

Because every family is a political system, in miniature. There are power centers, alliances, secret negotiations and compromises, and even underhand dealings. Teaching our kids to dissent, argue, and cooperate is setting them up for a lifetime of engaging with their community and society at large. Politics is not just about being a firebrand activist; it’s about being aware, informed, and engaged with affairs of the world beyond one’s family and community.

Too often, parents, in the name of love and amity, will nurture and mollycoddle children in ways that take away their agency and freedom.

In the last couple of years, we have discussed, voted on, and made policy decisions on wide-ranging topics — what we should spend our weekends doing, how much time our teenage son should spend with the family, how to plan our holidays, how much pocket money the kids should get, etcetera. We try to build in knowledge sessions (our son gave us a philosophy primer one time).

Conversations can get heated, especially if someone feels someone else is being judgemental. I have been called out by the kids for making sweeping generalizations and indulging in politically-incorrect views.

We can ask anyone anything and there are no stupid questions. One bizarre moment was when our son brought up his anxiety about whether we were saving enough for his college education. Apparently, he felt we were blowing it all on travel :) Who knew he could be worried about that!

Family meetings teach kids and adults to communicate openly and honestly. Receive and give constructive feedback. Develop a thick skin (your nearest and dearest will not waste an opportunity to be blunt and candid!)

I remember watching a Hindi movie called Dil Dhadakne do and liking one of the dialogues “ Is Family mein sab upar se baat karte hain.. asli baat toh koi karta nahi hai ek doosre se!”

(Loose translation- In this family, everyone has superficial conversations; the real stuff never comes up to the surface)

We have all observed countless families and professional teams that don’t communicate openly. Decision-making is opaque, emotions are unexpressed, and conversations superficial, leading to uncertainty, stress, and ultimately the breakdown of trust and relationships.

Meetings don’t need to belong in the professional sphere. Let’s use them effectively within our families.

And now excuse me as I go prepare for our annual meeting!