The Open Letter
By: A
Tags: Abuser, Open Letter, Domestic Violence, Abuse, Survivor

Forgiveness

The smear: “I forgave you. I still do…There’s a lot of things I’ve wanted to say publicly. Things that would shame you and display me as a victim, kind of what I understand you’re doing now, and it might even make me feel vindicated for a few minutes. But therein lies the problem. I totally forgive you.”

The truth: Wow, this is a big one to unravel, and I will share most of it in another story.

I will be the first to admit that I’m not a perfect person, but I am really curious what he “forgave” me for. Was it for causing him to have legal consequences for kicking one of our children in the ribs and back, and strangling him while screaming obscenities at him? Was it for calling the police on him when he tackled me to the ground and sat on my chest, almost suffocating me?

Was it because less than a year after our divorce two of his girlfriends contacted me for closure after he duped them out of hundreds of dollars and put them through an emotional wringer — and I chose to give them advice about recovering from emotional abuse?

I struggle with forgiving my ex. After we divorced, I had to re-learn the meaning of the word forgiveness. I learned that forgiveness is not about releasing someone from justice, but releasing myself from bitterness. Forgiveness is letting go of the pain so it doesn’t rot and destroy you from the inside out.

The things he did and still does to me are easier and easier to let go of, but the things he did and still does to our children are becoming increasingly harder to let go of. Right now, it is an almost daily process of letting go of the pain and hurt, using meditation, breathing exercises, and other relaxation methods so I don’t become physically ill from the stress of his continued and methodical abuse, and from the anxiety and sometimes panic attacks my physical body automatically triggers when my mind is reminded of past traumatic incidents.

Support

The smear: “I am your supporter…I still hurt when you hurt…I pray for you to be blessed…you matter to me…[our children] matter to me.”

The truth: Just a couple weeks before my ex posted these statements publicly, he and I were in mediation. When the mediator asked my ex-husband why he hadn’t paid child support in three months, he looked over at me with a smirk on his face and said, “Spite.”

I could write a whole book on the reason we were in mediation. Let’s just say the inflated ego of a covert predatory abuser tends to think things like court orders and state laws don’t apply to them because they know what is best.

If you are a survivor of domestic violence and you are in the midst of a custody dispute, you are your child’s best advocate. Even if you have a lawyer, research the custody laws in your state. Know the abuse statutes. Review custody case law until the words spill out of your ears. Document, document, document.

Apologies

The smear: “I will always be sorry and ashamed for the way we treated each other and long ago I apologized to you directly on multiple occasions and took full responsibility for my unloving actions.”

The truth: Towards the end of our marriage, I constantly heard apologies, quickly followed by another incident of abuse. Again, actions speak louder than words, and apologies are meaningless unless actions support a true change of heart. Our children and I still experience emotional and verbal abuse from my ex-husband. He also still refuses to acknowledge the truth that he was convicted of child abuse against one of our children — he continues to say that is a lie and it never happened.

Our two oldest children refuse to go to his house. The second oldest simply stated, “I feel uncomfortable in that angry atmosphere.” Our oldest, the child who bore the brunt of the worst of the emotional abuse, has disowned his father, blocking him on social media and phone calls and texts.

“Society would do well to remember that in an abusive relationship, there is no such thing as a “bad break-up” or successful co-parenting. In an abusive relationship such as this one, the break up is either usually staged by the abuser to maximize his or her cruelty in the shortest amount of time, is part of an abusive tactic in itself known as the “discard” phase, and the abuser rarely leaves the victim alone even if he or she does break up with the victim. In the cases where victims leave their abusers first, it is common for abusers to retaliate in ways that retraumatize their victims — from stalking and harassing them to threatening to release their personal information and/or staging a smear campaign.” — Shahida Arabi, ‘Why Survivors of Malignant Narcissists Don’t Get the Justice They Deserve’

Friends

The smear: “Even though you said you would never be my friend, I am your friend.”

The truth: Merriam-Webster says a friend is “a person who has a strong liking for and trust in another person…one that is not hostile.” The Urban Dictionary says, “A friend is someone you love and who loves you, someone you respect and who respects you, someone whom you trust and who trusts you. A friend is honest and makes you want to be honest, too. A friend is loyal.”

Again, actions speak louder than words. There was and still is a reason we are not friends. I take better care of myself now, and I choose to surround myself with people who truly do care about me, not only in words, but in actions.

The Fans

Fans in response to The Smear: “This is beautiful! [Your ex-wife] is very fortunate to have you in her life as a the father of [your children]!”

“Like MLK said, fight hate with love.”

“This is fantastic, [abusive ex-husband]. Thanks for sharing.”

The truth: Hoo, boy. Where do I start? This is probably the most demoralizing part of the smear campaign — the believers of the facade — however, I learned a long time ago that I can’t try to persuade his fans to see the truth. They believe the persona he shows the world, and honestly, I am the “crazy ex” because of his smear campaign. My consolation is that time tells them the truth of who he is so much better than I ever could.

Once again — actions speak louder than words.

My ex changes his circle of supporters frequently. He shares superficially. He gives generously when it benefits him. He charms and deflects. He is all about image. He is smoke and mirrors, a true magician. He even wears a wizard costume for Halloween.

When someone gets a peak behind the curtain, they see a frantic and frustrated man losing control of the slipping threads of the masterful web he weaves. He barks at them to get away, and if they don’t, he focuses his violent attentions on them until they are a shell of who they were before.

He moves often, because it’s hard work to keep the web of lies intact and afloat after a while. It gets heavy and starts breaking down, sometimes catching him unaware. So he finds a new base, a new group of fans, and starts all over, often reinventing himself.

If he has a shallow enough relationship with one of his supporters, he keeps them as a fan, spinning his stories of why this happened that way, why he is moving and changing jobs.

One of his supporters, our last remaining mutual friend from before we divorced, is actually a survivor of domestic violence herself, and she put up a post on Facebook that if any of her friends were to tell her to unfriend their abuser, she would. I told her to please unfriend my abuser, and told her a bit about my experiences. She wouldn’t, and wished me all the best. I told her she was hypocritical and I unfriended her.

This is actually all pretty common for a covert predatory abuser. It is formulaic, really. I know where he is at with his love life because of how “nice” he is towards me and our children. He is easygoing and agreeable when he is wooing his new prospect. He showers the children with gifts as they establish their relationship. He’s such a “good dad.” He showers the new woman with gifts and food and trips. He’s so “attentive.”

Then he starts the slow rot. Once the new woman is hooked by his overwhelming attention, he starts shaping her into exactly who he wants her to be. There will be suggestions and confusing comments that could be insults, but he’s so “kind” she must have misunderstood.

He will start asking for things from her more and more, financially, personally, sexually. He will start trying to control her by getting his fingers into every good thing she has. And she is a good woman, understanding and forgiving, and desiring more of the attention he has given her so far.

At this stage, he will start becoming more and more controlling of me and our children, too. There will be ultimatums and threats, and like our second oldest said — his house will have an angry atmosphere.

After a period of walking on eggshells, there will eventually be an explosion of some sort. The truth will come to light.

Over the course of the three years since we were divorced, six of his ex-girlfriends have sought me out for closure. One of them lost her job and her relationship with her immediate family because of his smear campaign against her. One of them has a restraining order against him for stalking and harassment. He used all of them for money, coercing them out of thousands of dollars collectively. All of them have scars from his emotional abuse and manipulation. How do you trust again after that?

The only thing I would say to a supporter of a covert predatory abuser is something I would say to a victim, a survivor, to anyone: actions speak louder than words.

When something doesn’t add up, don’t disregard it. When someone makes you uncomfortable, even if you don’t know why, don’t disregard it. Observe, listen, be aware. Look into the Power and Control Wheel — a tool for understanding the dynamics of power and control in an abusive relationship. Know the red flags of domestic violence. Learn what healthy and unhealthy behavior is in a relationship. Listen to your gut.

Abusers give off warning signals. There is always, always, something that indicates they are abusive. If you find out that you are a “supporter” of a covert predatory abuser, or any type of abuser, don’t turn away from their victims.

I read a quote recently from the Facebook page Living With Emotional Abuse: “I’m at the age where if a guy says that his EX is crazy, I kind of want to talk to her to see exactly what he did to make her that way.”

Beware the person with a plethora of “crazy” exes.