A Humorous Dialogue To Distract You From All Your Worst Virus-Related Fears. Trust Me, You Could Use The Break. From Reality.
By: Timothy O'Neill
Tags: Play, Spirituality, Fiction, Humor, Short Fiction

Ashley is in her apartment smoking a joint when all of a sudden a tall figure dressed in bright colors steps out of the shadows and wags his finger at her.

Ashley: What the hell. Who are you?

Reality: I’m Reality. You’ve been out of touch with me for too long.

Ashley: Sometimes I just need a break, okay?

Reality: Your vacations have been getting progressively longer. I’m worried.

Ashley: Damn, this is some strong stuff.

Reality: Let me get a hit.

Ashley: Excuse me?

Reality: I need something to take the edge off. Consensus reality isn’t what it used to be. I’m finding the transition from facts to feelings very stressful.

Ashley: Don’t sweat the small stuff, buddy.

Reality: Oh to be young again.

Ashley: Here. One hit. Make it count.

Reality: Oooh that’s a smooth buzz. Yeah, come to daddy. Hmm. I’m still going up. I like it here, I don’t want to go up anymore. Holy bananas, I’m going to have a panic attack. Was this weed laced with something?

Ashley: Just a little cocaine, Xanax, LSD, Molly and cinnamon. It’s the cinnamon that pulls it altogether.

Reality: Dear God, I am so frickin’ high right now.

Ashley: Welcome to my world. Still feel like you’re going to panic?

Reality: No. I feel euphoric, and at the same time, really angry and sad. I have a ton of energy and I just want to take a nap. I want to save the world, by destroying it. This is bonkers.

Ashley: Do you make these kind of house calls often?

Reality: Sometimes it’s the only way people can get a grip on me.

Ashley: I tried to face you, but I was in too much pain.

Reality: I understand. But there is no escaping me. The truth is still the truth, and it will be waiting patiently for you to come back down to Earth.

Ashley: I want to create my own reality.

Reality: Many have tried.

Ashley: And?

Reality: Boo. Hiss. Come see me when you’ve ditched the monkey on your back.

Ashley: The monkey?

Reality: Their ego.

Ashley: Do I have a monkey on my back?

Reality: Oh my God, you do! He’s breakdancing on your shoulder blades. What talent, what grace!

Ashley: Come on.

Reality: No, but seriously, you have a massive ego.

Ashley: Doesn’t feel that way to me.

Reality: You’re confusing ego with healthy self esteem. You have no self esteem.

Ashley: Do you?

Reality: I am a description of the truth. I am abstract and somewhat opaque, but I am fully realized. I have no need for ego or self esteem.

Ashley: Must be nice.

Reality: Are you a narc?

Ashley: Are you kidding me?

Reality: And that’s a new shirt. When did you put on a new shirt? I don’t like the way that wall is leaning. Ah, a spider! Two spiders!

Ashley: You’re bugging out. Just try to relax.

Reality: I am so hungry. Do you have snacks?

Ashley: What do you like?

Reality: I could really go for a neutron star.

Ashley: My mom made brownies.

Reality: Are they laced with anything?

Ashley: Just love.

Reality: Yum. I’ll take two.

Ashley: Here you go.

Reality: Are hearts meant to do jumping jacks in your chest?

Ashley: That’s the coke. Wait, you have a heart?

Reality: I’m not a total monster.

Ashley: I don’t understand. How are you even here right now? I’m tripping hard. None of this is real. That’s it. You’re a figment of my imagination. I knew the cinnamon was too much.

Reality: You’re too much. You’re living in an alternate reality and that reality will woo you with chocolates and flowers but it will never commit. Here today, gone tomorrow.

Ashley: Are you saying I’m stuck with you?

Reality: Stuck is harsh. We’re both aspects of the same phenomena.

Ashley: What phenomena is that?

Reality: You might refer to it as God.

Ashley: I am so bored of God.

Reality: Blasphemy!

Ashley: He’s a deadbeat dad.

Reality: Enough!

Ashley: God can suck my toes.

Reality: Wow. You’re in it for now.

Ashley: You think so?

Reality: Maybe. I’ve never heard anyone badmouth God before.

Ashley: Uh, what? That cannot be true.

Reality: You’re a meanie.

Ashley: And God’s a bully.

Reality: Be still, my heart. Which is about to explode in a cloud of pixie dust and unicorn tears.

Ashley: I’m so over God.

Reality: Over. God. Well I guarantee you, He isn’t over you.

Ashley: Stalker.

Reality: Can I get another hit?

Ashley: Ugh. I guess.

Reality: Wow. You know what?

Ashley: What?

Reality: I just realized that I’m amazing. I mean, look at me. All these shapes and colors and tastes and textures and sounds and smells and thoughts and feelings and dreams and layers of liquid light supporting my entire majestic being. I’m really impressed with myself right now. Reality is sublime.

Ashley: I’m jealous.

Reality: Why?

Ashley: You just had your ‘born again’ experience. It happens to most people at some point during their drug journey, but almost never on their first try.

Reality: You gave me the good stuff.

Ashley: Well I-

Reality: Shhh. Can you hear that?

Ashley: Hear what?

Reality: It’s the sound of a billion uncried tears. Oh dear heavens, I think I’m going to faint.

Ashley: You’re a sensitive soul.

Reality: I care deeply for my children.

Ashley: I thought we were God’s children?

Reality: I am God’s truth revealed in the energetic architecture you call the cosmos.

Ashley: So you two are close.

Reality: Very.

Ashley: Could you deliver Him a message for me?

Reality: Nothing too negative. If it’s too negative it’ll be too dense to fly.

Ashley: Tell Him Ashley Jacobs requests that her profile be expunged from the Akashic Records, all her online history be erased, her personal documents, passport, license etcetera be destroyed and a new identity created for her that will allow her to set up shop half way across the country performing dirt-cheap demon cleansings and Tarot readings.

Reality: Clearly you two have never met.

Ashley: I just want to make my dreams a reality.

Reality: Good one.

Ashley: Also, tell him I need gas money.

Reality: I agree, could do without the cinnamon.

Ashley: Right?

Reality: Do you feel any better knowing I exist? Because I know your anxiety disorder was causing you to dissociate and you were doubting if I was even a thing.

Ashley: I feel a little better. Strange way to present yourself though, dude. As some random guy hiding in my apartment? I could have shot you.

Reality: You own a gun?

Ashley: Whether I own a gun or not is not the point. Bad things could have happened.

Reality: Like?

Ashley: Me having a heart attack. You getting handsy and me clubbing your nuggets with a rolling pin. Me calling 911 and reporting that a suspicious concept had just broken into my apartment. I could go on.

Reality: No, I get it. You’re a fearful person.

Ashley: Hardly.

Reality: You’re afraid I won’t be enough for you. Or you’re afraid that I’ll be too much.

Ashley: And?

Reality: I’ll give you all you can handle and not a bit more.

Ashley: Promise?

Reality: Let’s seal our pact with with the blood of the lamb.

Ashley: Uh, a pinky promise would work.