3 Honorable Traits That Can Stand in the Way of Your Happiness
By: Carine Ru
Tags: Self-awareness, Happiness, Personal Development, Psychology, Personality

The people we admire often share similar traits. We tend to look up to them and try to mimic their behavior. We want to reach their social standing, live a life similar to theirs, and become more trustworthy and respected ourselves.

But every human trait has its shortcomings.

Imitating them seems like a sure-fire way to get to where we want to be. They might hold the same values as us, but seem just better at going about life. But no matter how much we’d like it to, not every trait will come naturally to us.

Trying to be more likable and trustworthy is actually not that hard to do. But it can easily make us lose sight of our intrinsic needs. People might like and trust us more, but we may be still feeling miserable. The more we look at positive traits from just one side, the harder it gets to stay objective.

1. Humility

We are drawn to humble people because they seem more non-judgmental than most and make us feel respected. A study found humility can even help strengthen relationships because it’s connected with more trust and acceptance.

Being humble is often seen as being modest, rather than self-righteous. But the Oxford Dictionary describes humility as not only having “a modest” but also a “low view of one’s importance”.

Trying to be more humble means you put other people’s needs before your own. This can lead to putting yourself down to value those needs. Which means it can be self-deprecating in its nature as well.

When you encounter narcissistic people, humility can easily lead to being treated as a push-over. If humility isn’t an integral part of your personality, it might be hard to know where to draw the line.

How to keep the balance

Research from Oxford’s Handbook of Positive Psychology shows how to use humility in a way that doesn’t have to be self-deprecating. The key elements being:

Having an accurate view of your abilities.

Acknowledging your’s but also other people’s imperfections.

Appreciating and valuing people, including yourself.

Being humble doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speak up. If you feel you’re being taken advantage of or not appreciated, reconsider how you can make sure your needs are taken into account as well.

2. Harmony

Whether it be at work, at home, or with friends, a harmonious person will try to keep peace wherever possible. Usually people like being around this calm energy. You‘re known for being easy-going or someone people never have to argue with.

But to keep the peace, you have to make and keep the people around you happy.

This can lead to people-pleasing. Your own opinions or needs take the hit because you’re fearful of conflict or aren’t able to say no. But trying to keep the people around you peaceful as well can be exhausting, as you need to keep up with everyone’s needs. It adds reason to put your needs before your own, to rejection or abandonment.

Trying to keep up with everyone except yourself, will lead to losing your sense of self.

You’re not in tune with yourself anymore and get easily distracted from what makes you happy. It can make you resentful towards the people around you, without really knowing why.

How to keep the balance

Putting yourself first is hard if you aren’t used to it. And it’s not necessarily the right thing to do every time. But it’s important to show self-compassion.

If done right, it can be a powerful practice to maintain lasting relationships.

Research from Dr. Kristin Neff on Self-Compassion has shown it’s not about pitying yourself or having more self-esteem. It’s rather acting the same towards yourself than you would other people. Not only is it healthy, but it also helps you better understand yourself and can make lasting changes in your life.

Rather than fearing conflict or not being accepted as you are, needs-and-all, you can see it as an opportunity to grow.

It’s possible to be both flexible and honoring your needs. As a result, you’re more in tune with what you need and can resolve issues in an authentic manner.

“We learnt to associate gloom with safety and joy with risk.“ — The School Of Life

3. Reason

Being reasonable is associated with a level of maturity. If you know when to resist or when it’s wise to act, you’re considered trustable. Seeing people you admire make reasonable choices as their way to success, can make you feel like you’re right to be as well.

But for some, being reasonable isn’t an act of rationality and intelligence but one of fear.

Maybe you’re scared of failing, maybe scared of being judged. Either way, the reasonable choice is almost always the one with less amount of risk involved.

Research conducted at the Victoria University of Wellington came up with the “Fear of Happiness Scale”. During a study participants from 14 different countries stated they were avoiding happiness out of one of the following reasons:

They feared happy events were followed by bad ones.

Excessive joy wasn’t reasonable or had to be earned.

For some, it had a cultural background. For most, this was caused by events of the past. They had either experienced a joyful event that was shortly followed by a bad one or had role models with similar beliefs.

How to keep the balance

Sometimes we are right to play it safe. But a lot of times we do it out of fear. Getting out of your comfort zone can be a major stepping stone to get a better sense of what you should avoid, and what doesn’t have to be.

It’s normal to fear the unknown. But it’s important to differentiate rational decisions from fear-based ones.

There’s no guarantee to avoid bad experiences. But rather than avoiding them at any cost, you should seek to learn from them. This takes commitment but has immense benefits.

A study conducted at the University of Turku in Finland found young adults prone to risk were curious and craved new experiences. This was found to be beneficial for brain development. They were able to make smart choices much quicker than the rest.

Risky behavior does not necessarily only put you in risky situations. You also get to learn a lot more in less time and, in turn, can make better decisions.