Modern Day American Man: My Life.
By: Alexbuck Toogrizzlytobear
Tags: Mental Illness, Relationships, 2020, Traditional, Masculinity

This is my first story.

I’m a young American man. Only 25 (and a half) years old, born in Maryland, USA. I like it here, although I am unsure I “fit in”. I live right outside of Baltimore City. Yes, THAT Baltimore city.. I’m sure you’ve heard of it, It’s in the news often. I think most people have the wrong idea about how life is in the County. It’s almost nothing like the city, but I think the name really sets people off. There are tons of food places, tons of malls, parks, places to go with your dog and trails to walk. Gunpowder Park is the main one that’s close by, it’s really a beautiful place. I tend to brag to out-of-towners that I can drive 20 minutes south and be in the heart of Baltimore City, the harbor, or I can drive 20 minutes north or west and be in what feels like a “flyover state” with nothing but farm land, livestock, tractors, and pick-up trucks. I’m content here, but I feel something is missing. I grew up in the town of Middle River, population of 25,346 (2018). Keep in mind there are 827,370 (2019) people in Baltimore County alone, which, to me, is way too busy. Because of the large population, It’s safe to say the schools I attended and the neighborhoods I lived in were very diverse. Racism may be prevalent today, but I couldn’t see it when I was a child. Everyone got along, everyone was friends with everyone; it wasn’t until I got into my high school years (2009–2013) that I really understood what “racism” was all about. I put it in quotes because before then it was a foreign concept to me. Perhaps people were more tolerant in the early 2000’s than they were towards the second decade. Or maybe, I hadn’t much paid attention. I’ve always been one to just get along with everyone. Virtues like respect, honor, dignity and trust should be reciprocal and not based on skin tone. You give me respect, I’ll give you respect. I just try to KISS (Keep It Simple, Stupid).

I have many siblings.. one whole sibling, two half, six step-siblings, and two adopted brothers. From the ages of 22 to 38. It’s a dysfunctional family, for sure. Mom and Dad divorced and separated when I was 5, dad remarried in 2005, mom remarried in 2009. There’s not much “normal” or “traditional” about us. Half of them are alcoholics (I was too, until a year ago), one in prison for trafficking drugs, another in prison for B&E (breaking and entering), two addicted to opiates, heroin and meth, one moved out to Montana to live more of a hipster lifestyle, one divorced her white husband to be with a black female (interracial lesbian) (DISCLAIMER: this is totally fine by us, we love their growing family and support them in their endeavors), one finished college to be an engineer, one living the simple life with his girlfriend and their son, another just left “the nest” at the age of 28, and then there’s me..the one who started smoking at 14, left home at 16, had a toxic relationship or two, discovered an alcohol and marijuana addiction, turned into a depressed, anxiety ridden individual, with some growing mental illnesses that I wasn’t aware of until recently (horrible ADHD, possible bi-polar disorder). It’s definitely been an adventure. I have a feeling I have at least one thing in common with whoever is reading this, which is simultaneously comforting and sad, but, that IS why I’m writing this.

If I’ve caught your attention and you’re still reading, I want you to continue. My purpose for this is not only to organize my mind lay it out into words, but to make sense of who I am and to build bridges with my peers; whether it be other millennials facing the same struggles, those who don’t quite “fit in” somewhere, those curious what goes thru the mind of the 25 year old white man now-a-days, or those feeling a little lost, I just want to share my experiences and connect with you. We are pack animals after all and it’s difficult to find and maintain our “pack” in this digital world. I believe it plays a part in why some of…. most of.. us are dysfunctional, depressed, anxious, and somewhat helpless.

In this series, I’ll touch on different subjects like mental illness, masculinity, my beliefs, our societal struggles, how I want to grow as an individual as well as how I think we can grow as a community, family struggles, what it’s like trying to adult in 2021; I’ll let you in on my amazing relationship, how I got here from where I was, how we handle different struggles as a couple (there are many (too many) struggles coming from this year), and things I suffer with and how I find the motivation to push on everyday.