Social Distancing Has Put My Bond With My Toddler First
By: Harold Hughes
Tags: Leadership, Work Life Balance, Startups, Family, Parenting

Social Distancing Has Put My Bond With My Toddler First

‘Founder’ and ‘father’ are not mutually exclusive, even during the coronavirus lockdown

He didn’t want to take a nap so we ended up making him “glasses” like mine. Photo courtesy of the author.

Of all of the hats I wear, “Dad” is my favorite.

I’m writing this essay as my son watches Toy Story 4. My workday productivity is down to probably 40% of normal, so I’m mixing in more evening and naptime hours to get my work done. If you find yourself in a similar boat, don’t beat yourself up.

Over the past week, while we’re all social distancing to flatten the curve of the coronavirus outbreak, I can say with confidence that childcare is worth much more than the $1,100 my family pays per month (not including babysitters). Like many working parents, I’m scrambling for ways to keep my 3.5-year-old son safe, entertained, and engaged — while still trying to be productive at work. Thanks to Twitter (I start a lot of sentences this way), I crowdsourced a bunch of options, activities, and resources to keep him both occupied and happy.

But when it came to balancing fatherhood and work productivity, it was a challenge to find the right combination for me. After spending a couple days trying to follow the productivity schedules popping up all over social media, I realized I was doing the whole dad thing wrong: I was structuring my day with myself in mind, without thinking about how it would affect my son.

For context, my siblings and I grew up as quasi-latchkey kids until we started staying with our grandparents after school. On the off chance that we were with our parents, I rarely had quality time with just my dad. He was the sole breadwinner in the house and often took jobs wherever he could find them to provide for us. I remember an 18-month period when my dad worked in New York; he would drive down to South Carolina to spend a couple days with us before going back up to put food on the table. I knew that if I was ever blessed to be a father, I’d want to create space and opportunity for memories that go beyond the traditional sports and roughhousing.

In the six days we’ve been home, we’ve pretended it’s raining outside (with the hose and his umbrella), cooked breakfast (pancakes are his favorite), and had our share of painting, magnet blocks, and dance parties.

As my wife and I began to think through family planning, I knew I wanted to create a level of work-life prioritization that allowed me to be present and engaged in my kid’s life while accelerating my career and providing for my family. For those of you who know me, I share a lot of my kiddo on social media. Spending time with my son is my favorite thing in the world. But subconsciously, I think I do it to show that we can do both.

Men can get caught up in this idea that managing a household and child-rearing is “women’s work.” Society — and our relatives—likely ingrained this mindset in us from an early age. Still, I want to encourage you not to miss out on the opportunity to create a genuine relationship with your children.

It seems that in times of tragedy, we are best reminded of what is most important, and that often centers around the health, safety, and well-being of our loved ones. After the untimely death of Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gigi, and seven others, ESPN anchor Elle Duncan shared a moving story about her interactions with Bryant. From there, the #girldad hashtag went viral. Dads from all over the world joined in and proudly shared pictures, videos, and memories they created with their daughters. Dads out there should take this time of uncertainty and chaos to hone in on family, especially their children.

Instead of trying to stick to some rigid, mass-produced schedule or stress out over your kid’s screen time, find time to make some memories. In the six days we’ve been home, we’ve pretended it’s raining outside (with the hose and his umbrella), cooked breakfast (pancakes are his favorite), and had our share of painting, magnet blocks, and dance parties.

A lot of this unexpected home time will be felt in the lives of our loved ones today, tomorrow, and for years to come based on the actions we take over the next few months. So, be safe, kind, and flexible. We are experiencing a new and unique challenge with Covid-19, but the more that we think of our micro-actions as having a macro-level impact, the better we’ll be as neighbors — and parents.