PROJECT 100 DAYS — IN MEMORY OF MY BABY C
Tags: 100daysofmemories, Baby, Project100days, Grief, 100daysofgoodstuff

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Time flies is a cliche. People think everyone talks about it and is an easy statement to make but it is one of the biggest truth of life. Time has gone by so fast that I cannot believe that it is four months today since we lost our darling child totally out of the blue. Everything has changed ever since. Including myself.

I think a few people believe that I am still not doing okay and I could be low on the emotional line. By a few people, I am talking of a few friends that I have and a few family members. They are encouraging me to walk out of the house, attend plays, concerts, watch movies, interact with people, call up, and/or travel. I have done most of what I mentioned above but it is largely out of compulsion or complete necessity. To elaborate let me narrate to you about my recent concert visit. I attended my first Carnatic music concert here in Chicago that took place at a community hall of a public library. Vin was invited personally by a colleague whose son is a mridangam (an Indian percussion instrument) player and he was the accompanying artist for this concert. Since, this colleague has invited Vin in more than one occasion, I did not want to be the sourpuss and cancel on this. I also didn’t want to miss out my time with Vin for he was going to be on a trip for the entire week (plus a day) from this weekend. So, I decided to tag along.

If you now ask me what songs were played or what was the concert like- it was good that’s all I can comment for I was not there at all mentally. Each note on that violin felt like a deep tug to the strings of heart (might sound cheesy, but it was not a happy one,it was excruciating). I could not breath properly for my nose was blocked because of my nonstop tears. You might ask why did I continue then? Well, I did not have the courage to get up and leave as the hall was small and there weren’t many people. So, anyone walking in and out while the artist was performing could be disturbing and also disrespectful to the artists.

Somehow I managed to hold on tight to my handbag that had Devutty (Charu’s playmate-for my company) and thank god for napkins, for they were a lifesaver. Thankfully, it was time for dinner and Vin wanted to grab his dinner a little early, so we left the concert slightly ahead of the schedule. So, I walked out without meeting anyone there. Phew! Such a huge relief.

Now you can imagine why it is a hard task to do all those things that I mentioned above. Hmm.. movies, I can because, it is usually dark halls with complete strangers. I can always walk out if I wanted to as well.

After all this I was on a self-reflective mode about strength, grit, and handling cruel fate, bad times, and so on. I was in a conversation with Vin where we also somehow brought Rosa Parks in for her “quiet fortitude” (a part from the book, Quiet: The power of introverts by Susan Cain). While in conversation, I understood that Vin did not completely believe I was quite the person I thought I was. Well, I have always felt I was a happy, kind, and strong soul but looks like, only my parents and S are in agreement. (Okay folks, I agree, I am sad now but you see, losing one’s child is not an easy thing and not easy to find joy). Even Vin, who is usually proud of me didn’t know the true me. Ouch! It hurt. Okay. Only a little bit.

After some more thinking (I should really stop doing that!), I decided it is better for my own sanity that I document and be involved in some ‘me-project’. The best option I have come up with is to bring a routine to my writing page. In the past in my other blog page (whimsical one), I did a 365-day challenge of doing a post a day . This is slightly different. Though it will be called Project 100 days, this will not be just random daily posts. It will be a combination of 100 different things, 100 days of gratitude, and 100 days of memories. This project will surely have one thing that I am grateful for in my life- each day. I hope and pray this will help me make a better version of myself. This is not to prove anything to others but only to help me not fall into any deep hole of self-loathe and self-pity.

Project 100 days is a take on the various online trends that is #100days (I guess the one began in 2015 by Elle Luna for #100daysart was the reason for this trend). It could be #100dayscoding, #100daysart, #100dayswriting, #100daysgratitude and so on. Mine is going to be a mix. I will write or post about anything- it could be anything like:- Charu aka baby C, knitting, crochet, doodle, poetry, reading, Baby C, photography, cooking, even cleaning (if I do :D), dissertation, Baby C, shopping, ads, business, quizzing, research, Baby C, life, krishna, joy, sadness, grit, grace, gratitude, and everything human. It could be a post, prose, poem, photo, or a mere one-liner but all will have an end of how or what I am thankful for. I have not decided on any topic or series for now. I might do as I make progress. It is just called Project 100 days (#Project100days). I am planning to start my own instagram page as well. I will update that soon here as well. I hope that this way, I dedicate my everything to her (and I would have done this inspired by her, if she were by my side now). I am sure she is watching over me and smiling just like she always did just oozing the purest form of love. I love her and miss her very dearly. I am trying my best to see her in every form- and this blog is a dedication to her spirit and a thanks to the universe for blessing me with a daughter as sweet as her. (That doesn’t stop me from asking why she was taken away!)

Before I sign off, let me share a couple of points: I am not an extremely talented or super awesome writer, poet, creative person/cook or anything extraordinary at all. All I am is a (kind of) jackass of most things and below average. However, being my baby C’s momma is one thing I am super proud of and I hope I can share my joy through all these little pieces I post here. May be when the puzzle gets done it will be a good dedication to my sweet, happy, and beautiful baby C.

This is an introduction post and the Project 100 days will begin from tomorrow. See ya soon!