I Haven’t Wanted to Have Sex Since She Was Born
By: Stacey Herrera
Tags: Feminism, Body Positive, Women, Sexuality, Parenting

I Haven’t Wanted to Have Sex Since She Was Born

Whenever I go out for a meal, I always strike up a real conversation with the waiter/waitress.

I ask them how they are feeling, and then I pay attention to see if their bodies agree with their words. I also ask where they are from, and before long, they begin to share the intimate details of their lives.

While having drinks and dessert with my daughter the other day, I met Hannah. Hannah is a new mom. Her daughter is 7-months old. She loves her little girl with all her heart, and what she wants more than anything is to be a good mom.

“The best advice I can give you is this… as a woman raising a female child, I implore you to normalize sex,” I said.

Hannah gasped before saying, “I am so worried about that. In fact, I haven’t wanted to have sex very much at all since she was born.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because I don’t want to have sex in the house with my daughter. So my husband and I haven’t really been doing it.”

Her husband loves new parenthood as much as she is. And their relationship seems stronger than ever, except for the lack of sex part.

Hannah wants to be the best mother she can be. She wants her daughter to have all the things that she didn’t. And that includes having a mother who is fully present.

… she was carrying a wound that did not belong to her.

As I listened to Hannah, I could feel her good intentions. But I could also feel that she is carrying a wound that does not belong to her.

Hannah was raised by a single mom. A mom who felt shame about her own body. She hid her femaleness behind clothing and closed doors. Her mom also held onto her pain. In fact, she avoided it until the pain became ravenous. She developed colon cancer and later breast cancer. She survived cancer twice, but she still finds it difficult to express herself.

The way I see it, Hannah has two choices. She can do exactly what her mother did and cloak and hide from her daughter and the world. Or, she can do what her mother was afraid to do and model what it looks like to be a fully-expressed imperfect woman.

I told Hannah that she has a golden opportunity to heal all three generations. For herself, for her daughter, and her mother.

She can empower her daughter to have dominion over her body simply by being present in hers.

She can also model wholeness for her mother by trusting her body, listening to her intuition, and speaking/living her truth.

She is allowed to be a woman, a sexual being, a daughter, and a mother. She does not have to choose. She can be all the things.

Hannah was grateful for the opportunity to express a truth that, until now, she didn’t have language for.

She does not feel comfortable talking about this with the people in her life. It’s not something doctors discuss, and her mother is much too reserved. She feared that her friends would judge her. She worried that her husband wouldn’t understand. For the past 7 months, Hannah believed that motherhood and womanhood could not coexist.

A conversation with a stranger was all it took to shift her perspective.

Hannah is excited about showing up for her daughter and her mother. She’s thrilled about rediscovering her sexual self. I imagine her husband will be pretty excited about that too!

I’m sharing this story with you because…

We all have a story.

We all have healing to do.

We are all carrying things that may not belong to us.

And we lighten our load when we share our stories.

So wear your listening ears as often as possible. Create space for others to share. And know this:

There will always be ears to listen when you need to be heard too.