“Sometimes we have to start with parenting ourselves.”
By: Jason B. Hobbs Lcsw
Tags: Mental Health, Therapy, Parenting, Relationships, Psychology

So, what do we “adults” do when we are struggling with our children? What do the “adults” do when we are struggling too? Maybe we give ourselves some parenting too! With that in mind, here are some suggestions.

Photo by Robert Bye on Unsplash

Play.

Be active, but not necessarily too active. One of the perpetual frustrations that I hear from parents is the level of activity that seems to be expected from their children. There is homework. There is a sport. Perhaps there is even some art/music activity like music lessons or chorus or drama. If we as the adults feel overscheduled, then certainly our children do too.

Make a list of all the activities of the day. Consider coding them as either “nurturing” or “depleting”. This doesn’t mean that we can get rid of all the “depleting” tasks in our day, but it may give you a visual to guide making better choices. Emphasize the more life-giving activities.

Photo by Katya Austin on Unsplash

Take a nap.

Remember naptime? Yes, it provides a nice break in the day, but it is also something that our bodies need. When we are tuned in to our children, we recognize when they have exerted too much or when their mood needs a brief “reset”. Rest can provide that for them … but also for us too.

Eat a snack.

Speaking of our bodies, we should also remember the nice break that “snacktime” provides. Their bodies need nourishment to grow and function. In all of our busyness, it can be easy to forget that for ourselves too. So when we are parenting ourselves, there are times when we need to stop and have a snack.

Observe a schedule.

Two elements that all of us need, children, adolescents, and adults, are predictability and control. Predictability comes from knowing what is going to happen and when it will happen. When the schedule is thrown off, either by a substitute teacher or some other event, you can see the stress level rise in your children. Yes, we want them to be able to be flexible, but having the starting place of a regular schedule gives them the stability from which to be flexible.

Photo by Robert Anasch on Unsplash

Give a choice.

For very young children, we provide choices that are “this or that”. But as they get older, giving our children and adolescents a wider range of choices is helpful to their growing sense of independence and power. We all like to have a sense of control; so giving your teen some control over the time at which something happens or when or where it happens can be helpful. This does not mean giving them total control since even they would reluctantly acknowledge that they are not ready for that.

Give or receive a hug.

Last, but not least, even we as the parents need to be held. For our children, this is often the last thing we think will help, but should generally be our first effort. Remember, “handle the emotion first, then talk”. Unless there is a dire emergency, holding helps us soothe and calm and then be able to handle what is next. This goes for the parents too. If you aren’t in a place where you can ask someone for a hug, then consider what other ways you can be physically soothed.