Should Pornhub’s Christmas Album Be in Your Holiday Rotation?
By: Emma Austin
Tags: Sexuality, Pornography, Culture, Sex, Music

Hearing “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is one of the reasons I look forward to every December.

It’s not just my favorite holiday song, it’s also the sexiest.

The tone is perfect. It’s smooth and playful. It’s warm and intimate. It’s flirty and sweet.

It’s basically foreplay in song form.

There’s really nothing else like it. The other songs I listen to during the holidays are sweet, romantic, fun, and upbeat. They’re all nice, but none of them are naughty.

Every year, I wait to find another song like “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” Another song that feels appropriate for Sexmas. One that puts you in the mood to get intimate and makes the perfect background music while you’re wrapping up sex toys for your partner.

That’s why I couldn’t help but listen to Pornhub’s XXXmas Album.

I would have listened to it anyway because I’m a big fan of gimmicks, which should be obvious to anyone who listens to my podcast. And this was very clearly a novelty album.

But I also love the idea of having a very dirty Christmas, right down to the music. “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” might be sexy, but it’s not nasty. And I had a strong feeling that the XXXmas Album would be.

So, I waited until it was dark and the house was quiet. I turned on the twinkle lights that are strewn across my canopy bed. I wrapped myself in my soft, weighted blanket. And I leaned into my husband’s arms.

With the mood set, I turned on Spotify and hit play on a short album with the “Explicit” tag added to every song.

“Ho” by Sukihana

One thing that stood out to me on my first listen is that few of the song concepts are repeated.

That’s frankly impressive, if you think about it. Even though there are only five songs, I would have imagined that the “Christmas but make it dirty” theme would involve at least three tracks about boning Santa. But nope, they managed to keep it original.

The album kicks off with “Ho,” which is a commentary on the commercialization of the holiday season. It might also be about how hustle culture is making every self-employed person work and grind without a break, even on the holidays.

Well, it’s that or it’s about fucking Santa for cash.

In the chorus Sukihana lays out the deal very clearly.

“If the money is right, I’ll be your

Ho, ho, ho — trick”

And makes it clear that no one gets a freebie from her, no matter how big of a celebrity they are.

“You wanna smash, Santa?

Well, what’s in your bag, Santa?”

And frankly, that’s awesome. I admire every freelancer and creative who refuses to work for free and sex workers are no exception whatsoever.

“Want some more pussy? I told him I charge”

And like a professional, Sukihana delivers the goods. From the sound of it, Santa gets a decent ride for his money.

“He said this pussy so purrty

He said he love how it tastes

He eats it like milk and cookies”

There’s an empowering tone to the song that I quite like. This is someone who won’t get dicked around (not for free anyway). It might not be the right song to listen to when decorating a gingerbread house, but at least it might encourage you to keep ignoring DMs from your lonely fuckboi ex looking for a holiday hookup.

“Mistletoe” by A$AP Ferg

Of all the songs on the XXXmas Album, “Mistletoe” is the most conceptually fuzzy.

The chorus plays out like dirty Christmas word association.

“Nasty, nympho, dollars

Stockings, room, pole

Mistletoe, camel toe, strike a pose”

The song is an ode to fucking and the dirty girls who make it possible and name drops a couple of pornstars to drive that message home.

“Abella Danger

Put the cuffs on her like a ranger”

“Scarlit Scandal

Don’t know how much I can handle”

But the focus of the song is the nameless kinky woman who gives A$AP Ferg a memorable ride on the tour bus.

“Can’t believe she got the whole thing in her

Make it disappear, she got some David Blaine in her”

This track feels like the odd one out on the album because it’s missing the right kind of spirit. The generically dirty lyrics backed by a dark danceable beat don’t give this one any clear holiday feel. The mention of mistletoe and Santa even feel kind of out of place.

Still, it might be a decent track to listen to while you’re by yourself, slipping on the lingerie you’ll surprise your partner with.

“Naughty Girl” by Rubi Rose

The instrumental intro to this one samples a tune with classic Christmas vibes, which brings the album backs to its concept.

This song is basically about celebrating Sexmas — exchanging sexy gifts and going all out with some fun, dirty sex.

“I’ve been a naughty girl

I’m on his naughty list

He know this cookie a gift

I’m all he wants for Christmas”

And honestly, I feel that. Fuck presents under the tree, fuck a full stocking, fuck fresh-baked cookies. If I had a naughty girl for Christmas, I wouldn’t need anything else — except something to spoil her with.

The song is also pro sex toys, which is really goddamn great. We need more sex songs that make people feel proud of having lots of sex toys, not ashamed of it.

“Ain’t no silent night

Not when I ride it right

All through the house making noise

I like it better with toys”

This song is simple and straightforward, which is not a bad thing by any means. It’s the catchiest track on the album and it might be a good one to have on after you’ve had a couple of drinks and decided to wrap the lubes and toys before putting them under the tree (or hiding them in the closet).

“Holiday Freak Shit” by Mila J

This is another song that captures the Sexmas spirit. Only, it does it with a more sensual tone.

If “Naughty Girl” was about making yourself the sexy gift your partner wants, “Holiday Freak Shit” is about the sense of togetherness that comes from it.

And isn’t that what the Sexmas spirit is all about?

“We on some holiday freak shit

Let’s stay up and fuck all weekend”

I always feel that closeness, intimacy, and romance go hand in hand with dirty sex. I love getting sensual and erotic and all that, but there’s something about feeling close and safe with someone that inspires me to be a little more adventurous.

It makes sense. I can be erotic any day of the week. But I need to feel selfless, generous, and loving to really expose myself and pull out some pornstar moves.

It’s an incredible mood to be in, and that mix of sweet and dirty is what this song calls to mind.

“Back shots, ‘Jingle Bells’ playing in the background

Eat it from the back now, throw a hundred racks down

I’mma make him come and tell him his gift is me

Face down, ass up under the Christmas tree”

This is the track you can put on in the morning when you’re getting everything set up and ready. It inspires you to fuck long, fuck hard, and to start over almost as soon as you’re done.

“Vixen” by KenTheMan

The XXXmas album closes with a song about a woman who knows her value.

Like “Ho” it’s about knowing your value. But like “Mistletoe,” the Christmas references in this one are few and far in between. The chorus is peppered with them, including a few reindeer namedrops.

“No Dancer, I’m a motherfucking Vixen

Yeah, I got a lot of options but I’m chillin’

Let it snow, iced out but I’m jibbin’

No Dasher, I’m a motherfucking Vixen

Make him lick it, make him suck it, make him kiss it

The chicken on me saying every day is Christmas

Pussy blessed, pussy special and it’s gifted

No Donner, I’m a motherfucking Vixen”

But the verses drop the theme completely.

There’s a real dommy tone to this one, which isn’t something I personally identify with but I’m still all for it. And there’s a heavy air of confidence that I wish I could have, even just a little bit.

There’s no compromising here, and I like that. KenTheMan isn’t going to waste her time with anyone who doesn’t give her what she needs.

Besides, it sounds like she’s got plenty of options so she can have her pick.

“I ain’t Santa but you know I got all kinds of hoes

All of ’em chicks, all of ’em mine

All of ’em thugs, all of ’em grind

All of ’em rough, all of ’em fine”

And on top of encouraging women to know their value, KenTheMan also drops in a quick PSA about who should clean up after sex (and gets it right).

“Busting on me, he know he better get the towel

Laying up, he know he better wipe me down”

That warm towel wipe down is always part of my aftercare, and that’s a part of sex that doesn’t get mentioned enough.

But this isn’t the right song to play while getting aftercare. It’s one that you might listen to when you’re trying to make the right decision about who to spend your Sexmas with.

And once you made that decision, it’s there to help you remember that you should get all the orgasms, pussy eating, and clit stroking you want without feeling a single shred of guilt for it. It’s Sexmas — let yourself get pampered.

Have Yourself a Dirty Little Christmas

I’m a big fan of themed porn, and that’s another reason I get excited for December. I can’t wait for all the Christmas content I’m going to get turned on by and jill off to.

And because no one does that kind of thing better than creative and talented amateurs, I’m sure Pornhub is going to play a big part in my holiday celebrations.

But the XXXmas Album won’t be making it into my holiday rotation this month. I’ll stick to Michael Bublé, Frank Sinatra, Mariah Carey, and every single version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” I can find.

Still, as far as novelty albums goes, this one did a few things right. Listening to it was definitely an experience. And even though the short 17-minute runtime was plenty for me, it’s one I’m glad I had.

The album might be a publicity stunt, but it still normalizes porn and that’s a really good thing. It also gives Christmas the sexual treatment it deserves.

But more importantly, it’s an album that celebrates dirty girls. And I’m always down for that.