What Happens When You Let Children Cry
By: Michelle Marie Warner
Tags: Feelings, Relationships, Health, Mental Health, Parenting

What Happens When You Let Children Cry

Exploring the importance of emotional release

Photo by phangpanung5 on Pixabay

Crying is a natural and necessary emotional expression.

Everyone needs tears. We cry to release feelings of fear, anger or sadness. Once expressed, emotions are no longer trapped inside. We find balance and relief.

Emotional release for children can appear on the outset to be what some adults call misbehavior. I don’t believe children challenge adults on purpose. There’s always an underlying unmet need, including the processing of trauma.

Parents and caregivers of tiny humans often misunderstand why children cry. They think toddlers cry to manipulate their caregivers to get what they want.

Children cry for a variety of external reasons. Sometimes, an initial trigger can be a disappointment in not having what they want. Other times, they’re avoiding a task. But it doesn’t mean their intent is manipulative.

Let’s look at some misconceptions about crying:

Crying isn’t manipulative.

Like adults, children of all ages can build up frustrations throughout the day. They can be hungry or tired. They carry collective stress inside if not addressed. They didn’t have time to process any of it by the time you say “no” to the one thing that would feel good. Crying indicates an unmet need, sometimes unrelated to the toy or activity you denied them.

Internally, children cry because of the natural emotional processing. Sometimes there won’t be an obvious trigger. As a parent, I notice right away now and use it as an opportunity to sit with them and their feelings.

Accusing a child of being manipulative won’t allow for a healthy expression of their feelings. If anything, they’ll stop to avoid your judgment. If you punish a child for crying, they’ll stuff their feelings until they manifest themselves into unhealthy habits or relationships. Unexpressed sadness and rage correlate with mental disorders and cyclical abusive relationships.

Caregivers can maintain boundaries without stopping children from having feelings about it. I’ve already said “no” to my children several times before noon. They were upset about my answer a few times. I’m not suggesting we say “yes” when kids protest or show their disappointment. But we can acknowledge them for not getting what they want. Validation teaches them their feelings matter. Holding boundaries show them our wants and needs matter, too.

Infants don’t need to be trained.

Infants have a physiological need to cry. It’s a matter of survival. Methods like “cry it out” (CIO ) are cruel and counterintuitive. CIO involves leaving a baby to cry alone for increments at a time, with the goal of “training” a baby to “self-soothe.” The method is damaging to an infant’s nervous system and correlated with long-term trust issues in relationships (psychologytoday.com).

I understand many parents have utilized this method for their sanity and sleep health. We do the best we can for our kids. But evidence suggests there are healthier ways to approach sleep and tears.

Infants lack the ability to manipulate and they can’t self-soothe. Parents and caregivers are here to soothe them. They have a naturally changing sleep rhythm. You might think you’re training them, but you’re causing an imbalance. If CIO “worked” for you, it’s because the poor infant gave up crying when you didn’t come.

Parents struggle with the CIO method, too. Mothers ignore their instinct when they leave their crying babies.

Crying doesn’t necessarily mean they’re in physical pain

Infants may cry when they’re in physical pain, to indicate their needs. Since they can’t use words, babies need to cry to get their needs met. Nonverbal children may need to cry to communicate needs as well.

When older children cry, most have words or conversations to tell us why they’re upset. But there are times words don’t come. My 8-year-old occasionally needs a few minutes before telling me what’s going on.

The pain can linger before the cry but afterward feels much better. Tears cleanse and release our pain held inside. Crying helps relieve pain and hurt. It helps us relax. It can appear painful to watch our kids cry, and it often brings up our unresolved trauma. Parents struggle with allowing kids to cry when they didn’t have the chance.

We also feel protective of our children and think we need to help them stop crying. If we address our anxiety as a signal to listen, we can let go of trying to force an outcome. Children and adults need to let go of feelings, and they can look or feel messy on the way out.

Once fully expressed, children become clear and calm. But caregivers need to hold space for them to cry.

Let’s discuss the importance of crying and supporting a child through emotional release.

I first learned of Aletha Solter when I was a first-time mom. Solter is the founder of Aware Parenting Institute and the author of Tears and Tantrums.

She discusses the necessity of tears as a part of healthy child development. Crying and tantrums are vital for emotional release. Crying has therapeutic value for children from birth and beyond.

Evidence from several different sources indicates that crying is an important and beneficial physiological process that helps people of all ages cope with stress.~Aletha Solter

Aware Parenting is a type of attachment-parenting that discourages punishment or rewards. Instead, we’re encouraged to listen to our kids and allow for a wide range of emotions without distraction or judgment.

My oldest child had an extraordinary preschool teacher who applied the principles taught by Aletha Solter. Instead of dismissing or judging children’s tears, she stopped everything to address them. She facilitated nonviolent communication and held space when they needed to cry.

Here are some ways to support a child through their tears:

Acknowledge and validate their feelings

Acknowledgment reduces isolation and misunderstanding, shows them we care, and gives them space to feel through the entire experience.

This afternoon, my 4-year-old wanted a quesadilla after her regular meal. I was eating my lunch and wasn’t willing to get up and make it. Then I said, “I hear you want a quesadilla, and you’re disappointed. I’m willing to make it next time if you ask me before I sit down for lunch.” She was able to express her disappointment as I listened empathetically.

Here’s a useful graphic for things parents can say when their child is crying:

Photo credit: Aware Parenting Institute

Express empathy

Empathizing eliminates judgment and allows us to express our love. Doesn’t it feel wonderful to hear someone tell you they understand?

You can say, “I see how much pain you’re feeling. It sounds like you’re sad.” Or, “Wow, that sounds scary. I understand how you could feel nervous.” Putting a name to feelings can serve as a way for the child to identify the source and bring them comfort and understanding.

Modeling empathy illustrates how children can empathize with others. It helps them to put themselves in another’s shoes. Modeling is especially useful for toddlers and neurodiverse children who have a difficult time with perspective-taking.

Consider your perspective. How do you feel when you’re disappointed or frustrated? The underlying emotions are anger and sadness. Adults get upset, too. We might express our feelings by crying if our caregivers accepted and embraced them.

Focus on personal growth

As parents and caregivers, we bring our history into the relationships with our children or students. To fully support them, we need to address our unmet needs and triggers.

If you were ignored or chastised when you expressed your feelings and you don’t want to pass it on, seek help. Work on recovering from your past hurt.

When we take time to heal our wounds, we offer our best selves to our children. We have the power to stop persistent unhealthy patterns.

Final thoughts

Crying is crucial for stress reduction. Young children need emotional release as much as adults. Misconceptions restrict us from being able to support children. They’re not trying to manipulate us with their tears.

Once a child cries, they experience tremendous relief. Adults know this from experience. Before crying, I’m pent up with anguish and frustration. Afterward, I’m relaxed and happy to get it all out.

Let’s recognize the emotional needs of children as valid and natural. They often have less control over their environment and have the task of learning through play and social interactions. Let’s grant them the space to work through their feelings as well.