Isolation, Sadness, Fear and Losing Your Best Friend — A Recipe for Disaster
By: Mark Everett Kelly
Tags: Depression, Dogs, Death, Work, Sadness

In September of 2020, I moved down South after living most of my life in the Northeast. COVID and unfortunate events surrounding family left me roaming between friends’ couches from the end of March until early September.

The one constant in my life since October 2005 was my Bichon Sammy. Sammy wasn’t just my dog; he understood my heart. He knew how much his presence in my life helped me during rough times.

People around me during those times knew I wouldn’t accept an invitation without Sammy. Many times I didn’t attend family gatherings if he wasn’t allowed. He needed to understand (as much as dogs can)I was loyal to him. The worst thing Sammy could imagine was watching me leave without him.

By the time I moved in September, Sammy was dying. He made it to the apartment I currently rent, but I knew time was short.

In the first week of October, despite being in my apartment for a month, I couldn’t make next month’s rent without a job. Miraculously, a friend helped me land the perfect job working remotely. Health issues prevent me from working typical jobs, so this was a pure, real miracle.

About 36 hours after getting hired, Sammy died in my arms early in the AM hours. It was as if he knew I was OK, and he could leave me. He fought so hard to stay alive for the final few months. Toward the end, I had to carry him outside and put pressure on his bladder and anus to help him pee and poop.

I’m not ashamed to admit I cried for two days after his death. However, I intended on adopting another dog. Animals — especially dogs, need good, loving homes where they can be part of a family.

Having Sammy with me prevented the lonliness I feel now

Sadly, the job I viewed as a gift from heaven turned out to be temporary. Due to “cutbacks”, I was let go on December 11, one day shy of the 30th anniversary of being diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma, and told I had six months to live.

I had Sammy incinerated and put in an urn. The last few days, I found myself hugging his urn and crying profusely. I plan on purchasing a puppy, but massive fraud concerning purchasing puppies, along with immense price increases due to COVID, make it impossible without a large bank account.

While I suffered lonliness after his death, work prevented me from obsessing over it. However, with more time on my hands, spending hours a day with my thoughts deceive me I’m alone and no one cares (an example on how our mind exaggerates and goes to dark places).

My relationship with Christ helps sustain me during most moments. However, like I mentioned in explaining hopelessness, if you are trying your best and nothing is happening, your thoughts become destructive. While I had Sammy, he needed me to care for him. Many times, he prevented me from falling into overt sadness.

We can put a nice bow on everything and pretend people care. I don’t say this to belittle anyone, but the hard truth is everyone has their own problems. COVID exasperates that. Thanks to the pandemic, we are stuck — left to ourselves and for some of us that’s the worst place to be when its a constant reminder of pain and loss.

I don’t mean to sound depressing — I know it obviously is, but I’m being real. 2020 has brought sadness and taken hope from many. I’m far from alone concerning how I feel during the worst thoughts. Life is hard! There are no promises. God promises He will never leave us, but not that we will be without moments of suffering.

There are people who honestly do care. I don’t want to disrespect those who have reached out. However, I don’t like passing the buck. I’m the one who is responsible to answer the bell. Any failures or disappointments are nobody’s fault but mine.

The funny thing about vulnerability that’s painfully true, is when you are weak, people can sense the desperation. Phone calls very rarely are returned, emails often ignored and slowly the frustration you feel drives everyone away.

There are many others like me. I do my best to use the skills which God gifted me, to help provide for myself. The desire of my heart is to use those talents to glorify God, help others and offer hope to those feeling they don’t matter.

I’m hoping it’s not the latter. My hopes and prayers are with all of you suffering hard times due to the pandemic.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Mark Everett Kelly is a former two-time Emmy Award-winning writer/researcher from ESPN, author of “My Scars Tell A Story” (his 30-year battle with cancer), and creator of CKMagicSports.com. Mark retired in 2008 due to the onset of long-term side effects from cancer treatment (chemotherapy, radiation, and bone marrow transplant). This led to Mark’s current health problems (Crohn’s Disease. Lymphedema, and Hemochromatosis). To help support Mark in his battle, click on these links (Paypal and Patreon).