The Downside of Chasing the Big O
By: Ada Sewell
Tags: Orgasm, Sex Positive, Sex Coach, Sexuality, Sex

As a sex coach, one common concern clients seek help with is difficulty experiencing orgasm — during sex, masturbation, or both.

While it’s great to help your clients overcome the barriers standing between them and The Big O, it may also be important to help them adjust their thoughts about orgasm.

Is orgasm the true marker of “good” sex?

It’s rare to hear a conversation about sex that doesn’t involve orgasm: the big, bold feature in that magazine; the countless blog posts; the happy hour chats with friends. If you made your judgments based on popular media, you might even wonder if sex without orgasm is sex worth having.

With so many people so focused on it, it’s no wonder our clients are feeling the pressure to climax.

It’s your job as a sex coach to remind your clients that orgasm is only one element of the sexual experience. Make sure they know that, while having an orgasm is wonderful, it is NOT a requirement for enjoyable sex. It can be fun to strive for, but it certainly isn’t the only thing that matters.

Don’t write off the journey in favor of the destination.

A common belief you may hear from your clients is that, if they don’t have an orgasm, they’ve “failed” at sex or self-pleasure, or that the experience wasn’t worthwhile. These kinds of thoughts are more than simply untrue: they’re detrimental to your client’s progress and growth in their personal work. How do you invite them to think differently?

To start, help your clients practice mindfulness during sex. Pre-orgasmic clients are often so focused on orgasm as a goal that they forget to enjoy everything else along the way. When your clients are worried about how their sexual encounter will end, encourage them instead to stay present and open in each and every moment.

One way to do this is to guide them towards thinking of sex like a special meal: no matter how excited they are for the dessert at the end, it is equally — if not more — important to savor the courses that come before.

This helps shift from a goal-focused or performative sexuality to one that is more pleasure-focused, which encourages enjoyment of the whole journey, regardless of where the finish line might be.

An important step to enjoying sex more is feeling able to honestly talk about it.

Another great area of focus for your pre-orgasmic client is communication.

Does your client feel comfortable expressing their feelings and desires to their partner(s)? After all, experiencing orgasm is much harder for someone who isn’t feeling great during sex.

Check in with your client and find out whether or not they feel empowered to ask for what they want. Guide them on how to get comfortable with trying different things until they discover what they love, if they haven’t already.

Surprisingly, better communication is also helpful for people who struggle to experience orgasm during masturbation. How do your clients talk to themselves during self-pleasure? Are they distracted by a thousand stray thoughts or putting unnecessary, self-deprecating pressure on themselves? If so, consider what might help them to relax and create a more positive, productive inner dialogue.

What if there was more to sex than orgasm?

Here’s a question you can ask your clients (or yourself!) to start reframing how they feel about their orgasms: If orgasms didn’t exist, what would you love about your sexual experiences?

The idea here isn’t to invalidate orgasms; rather, it’s to help your clients see what already is — or is not — working for them during sex. Intentionally thinking about what they enjoy during sex invites your client to connect more deeply and mindfully with their sense of pleasure. Knowing this could be the missing puzzle piece for your pre-orgasmic clients — and even if it isn’t, they’re still much better off!

When clients can tune in to their favorite aspects of being sexual, it gives space for each moment throughout to feel orgasmic in its own way.