I’d Like to Share My News Break Secrets But
By: Tim Ebl
Tags: Satire, Funny, Writing Tips, Life Hacking, This Happened To Me

I’ve had hundreds of my fans contacting me to ask one question: How did I get so big on News Break so fast? Where are all of those millions of page views and thousands of followers coming from?

Did I make a deal with the devil? Do I work for those reptilian aliens running the White House? Are there horseshoes hidden in my nether regions?

I don’t blame you for being jealous. I’ve made enough money over there to buy another island. All these stacks of hundred dollar bills on my desk keep getting in my way when I try to type.

But I’m flush with my Medium millions. Sometimes you gotta give back. That’s why I decided to donate all my News Break proceeds to feeding the armless.

Writing and Publishing Good Articles is a Waste Of Time

Doing what your contract requires and making readers happy over there is a total waste of your valuable time.

I know that makes you sad. You wanted to hear good news about News Break.

You wanted a quick fix, an easy way to quickly climb the ranks. You were hoping that by repurposing your Medium stories with a few tweaks, you could post a few times a week. Your stories would get seen. As long as you got the readers over there clicking on your content, you’d be golden.

You’re assuming that by meeting the News Break monthly requirements you’ll make bank.

You’re wrong. Here’s the real secret to how I made so many millions of page views. It had nothing to do with any of that normal stuff like working or effort.

It’s All About Luck and Other Things You Can’t Have

Here’s how I’m winning at News Break and you never will. I have an unfair advantage. Guess I was just born lucky. I’m an Aquarius, and the universe is on my side, baby!

The real secret is my old line of work. I’m a retired international operative for the Double Not Spy Underground. My handler, Julius, hooked me up.

It’s not what you write, it’s who you know. If they can threaten people, brainwash them or hack computers for you, then it’s all over but counting your page views.

I got Julius to run an op and infiltrate the head office. He sent in a Double Not Spy to slip some mind control juice in the boss's coffee over there at News Break.

Then we went online and hacked the system. Spies blocked everyone else from being as popular.

Wonder why your article didn’t do so hot? We pushed it to the bottom and held it there till it drowned.

It’s the same trick I used to buy my way to the Medium top.

That’s why I don’t need to worry about curation or good content. I just write this kind of garbage and the Medium man makes it rise to the top.

Oops. Now You Know The Secrets…

I screwed up. I wasn’t supposed to let you know the real secrets behind News Break or Medium success.

All of these tactics are just a waste of your time:

Don’t bother writing good articles

Don’t publish regularly

Don’t figure out what readers want

Don’t write platform-specific headlines

Don’t pick eye-catching feature photos

Don’t use formatting to make your article look pleasing

Here’s what you need to succeed as a writer:

Get born lucky

Buy your way to the top

Hack into their computers and sabotage other writers

Use mind-altering drugs on those in charge

Kill all the competition with hit squads

Well, that’s it then. Now we have to kill you. Someone will be by to finish you off within the hour.

Don’t bother running. The Double Not Spy Network is everywhere.