Selling the End of the Rainbow
By: Chandler Myer
Tags: Fiction, Insurance, LGBTQ, Short Fiction, Humor

I’m a telemarketer for the End of the Rainbow Life Insurance Company. Don’t you just want to slap the person who came up with that name? We sell life insurance to the gay community, so the founder thought he should have “rainbow” in the title.

The company requires we start every call with this: “Hello. I’m David from the End of the Rainbow and I want to talk with you about your family’s financial health after you’re gone.”

I feel like the gay leprechaun grim reaper.

It’s a shitty job no one wants to do. In fact, no one wants anyone to do my job. People say the strangest, and rudest, things to me. They hang up before I can say “hello.” They hang up while I’m talking. I get more rejection than a middle-aged guy at a twink bar.

Today is Thursday, probably the worst day of the week. Other than Monday. And maybe Wednesday. It’s my low-energy day where I spend my time thinking of Friday. I just got to work where I will spend the next eight hours calling random people, asking them personal questions, and discussing their imminent death. I hit the robocaller and we’re off to the races.

“Hello. I’m David from the End of the Rainbow and I want to talk with you about your family’s financial health after you’re gone.”

“Oh, my,” comes the man’s voice. “That’s quite the topic for 10:00 am. What’s your name, again?”

“David. And your name?”

There’s a slight pause. “Goliath.” Trust me, he’s not the first Goliath I’ve called.

“Well, Goliath, is your family covered when you are no longer around to provide for them?”

“No, I’m not covered. At all.” He snickers. “Are you covered?” Another snicker.

“Yes, sir. I’m fully covered. And you should be, too.”

“What if I un-cover you? Could we talk about what I can provide for you then?”

“Sir, will we be discussing life insurance at any point in this conversation?”

“Not if I can help it. Now, what are you wearing?” I hang up. Gotta give the guy credit for trying, I guess.

The robocaller goes through 32 more numbers before I finally get someone on the phone again. And here goes round 2.

“Hello. I’m David from the End of the Rainbow and I want to talk with you about your family’s financial health after you’re gone.”

“End of the what? Are you trying to sell me a pot of gold?”

“No, sir. End of the Rainbow Life Insurance. We are the 59th largest insurance company east of the Mississippi River, south of the Ohio River, and North of Tennessee.” I prefer conversations where I don’t have to list this statistic.

“That’s very specific. Why the name?”

“We serve the LGBTQ community, helping them to leave legacy gifts for their birth and chosen families after they die.”

“That’s very nice, but my family doesn’t know I’m gay. I’ve hidden it from my wife and three boys my entire life.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. It must be difficult.”

“Yes. I could probably tell my gay son, but he moved off to Tampa and we haven’t talked in years.”

“I’m based at the call center in Tampa. The community here is very accepting, and I’m sure your son would appreciate you regardless. Where are you located?”

“Oh, you’ve never heard of it. A tiny little town in Georgia called Mershon.”

“You’re kidding!” I laugh. “You won’t believe this, but I grew up in Mershon, Georgia! What’s your name?”

“Lyle.”

“DAD?!?”