I Was Their Safe Experimentation
By: Max Micallef
Tags: LGBTQ, Sex, Gender, Sexuality, Education

It was July, so school was out. My class had graduated from high school the month before, and most of us were still hanging around just getting ready to head off to college come August and September.

One of my close friends at the time wanted to do one final stunt in taking part in the behavior that is cliché and stereotypical of high school students. So, when her parents had left for the weekend, she decided to throw a party. For someone who had never done this before, it went fairly smoothly and was a lot of fun.

Her place was packed. With the excitement still in the air from just graduating, essentially everyone showed up. Even some 11th graders. Though not uncommon by any means, people who graduated from nearby schools heard and came as well. It was funny to see a place I hung out at for many years filled with people I wouldn’t expect to see in every corner of her home. My friend’s bedroom however was locked up tighter than a CIA war crime evidence vault.

I’m now sober, but at the time I drank like a fucking rockstar (emphasis on my now sobriety.) However, that night my alcoholic, binge-drinking tendencies were not in full effect for some reason. I remained lightly tipsy the whole night, and so seemed the straight boy that wanted me.

I just wrapped up a conversation with two women and the host in the living room and walked into the kitchen just to see who was there. When I entered, a guy in my class was leaning-up right there by the door frame. He looking me up and down, but more in a playful, sexual way rather than creepy. I looked back at him, smiled, even laughed a little at him because of how confident he was blatantly checking me out in front of his straight, male peers even if they weren’t paying attention.

The guy at hand was part of the popular crowd, but not necessarily the most popular. Kind of an “extra” of the popular pack, while at the same time everyone knew exactly who he was. He was a jock-nerd if that makes sense. A jock-type “I could care less” attitude with the aim to mask an ever so clear homelife of parents placing too much pressure on him to strive for academic perfection. He was usually a dick to people due to his massive insecurity. Tonight he was not, at least to me he wasn’t.

I walked up to him and entertained his playful demeanor. “And what are you looking at?” He took a long sip of the water bottle he was drinking, swallowing hard enough for me to glance at his Adam’s apple as he did so, then replying with, “You.”

The conversation continued, eventually leading to overt flirting. I said something just to arrogantly tease him along the lines of referring to myself sexually as a “gift” he may not be worthy enough for, to which he replied, “Well if you want, I would love if you could make it my birthday tonight.” So corny, but I liked it.

I asked what he meant, and he said, “Like go off in another room, but not do anything.” For clarification, I asked, “Like not sex-sex?” to which he hid an embarrassed laugh, then replied, “Honestly, I kinda just wanna hold you.”

I enjoyed the sex I had with these straight, curious guys. It was his suggestion that he simply wanted to cuddle and exist within that space with me…

My heart dropped. I wasn’t expecting that, nor planning to have a mini crush on him. I thought I could hear my own hard, single heartbeat the second he said that. He gave me a smile that indicated he must have seen my eyes express pleasant surprise, revealing myself, breaking our flirty teasing.

I enjoyed the sex I had with these straight, curious guys. It was his suggestion that he simply wanted to cuddle and exist within that space with me, risking being stigmatized by his peers and not even get sex out of it. He made my heart flutter, but in a healthy self-esteem way. My internal response to his desire wasn’t a reflection of some sort of lack of affection on my end.

Knowing my friend would be ok with it, I told him, “Well I’m already staying over (host’s name)’s house tonight in her guest room downstairs. You are more than welcome to join, but… you would have to wait for everyone to leave. Do you want to do that?” Thinking he would have to contemplate the idea of further risking himself to Gay rumors, he did the exact opposite. He grinned, then quickly and confidently replied, “I would like to wait.” He then took another overly hard swallow of water.

We parted ways after that and hung out with other people for the rest of the party. I would say this was maybe another hour and a half, two hours. The party ended on the earlier side, 1:00am. I could tell my friend, the host, was already exhausted from making sure everything was going well, but also horny and wanted to reserve that energy for a hook-up as well.

Everyone left, but now the guy was by the side door in the kitchen where everyone entered and left her house. My friend saw me through the door from the living room the guy initially was posted against, not seeing him now at the side door, and said to me, “Can you just lock the door? I’m heading upstairs.” We smiled at each other, I knew some nervous boy was waiting for my friend in her room. I said, “Yeah no problem, see you in the morning.”

As she left, I walked up real close to the guy interested in me. I waited for him to speak. After a few seconds, he said almost right into my mouth, “Lead the way.”

We went downstairs, and almost instinctually agreed to take a shower together. Though I shouldn’t have been surprised by that at this point, I truly felt he wanted to get right to the task at hand. I guess he wanted it to be a full experience. We washed each other in a very intimate way. We were really cleaning each other if that makes sense. Every crevice, really exploring each other.

We got out, dried off, then laid on top of the bed and felt each other up some more, looking at each other for quite some time before starting to make-out. Then, we got under the covers and he big spooned me in a very consuming and protective way. He really wanted to take me in.

I woke up first, it was 6:00am. For some reason the air conditioning had shut off in the middle of the night and we both had a sheen of sweat on us like an after-sex scene in a movie. Even in our sleep, our minds knew to stop cuddling so closely because it was getting hot. However, while he laid on his back, head facing me, his hand was fully splayed on my inner thigh slightly gripping it.

I just leaned up and looked at him and around the room, kind of taking in the night that had occurred and getting my barrings. He woke up a minute later and leaned up too, also realizing the temperature and rubbing his face. Though he still held the same calmness that he had during the party, he now also had an uneasy energy to him.

Wondering if his feelings had changed, but still wanting to show him affection, I began to run my hand through the sweaty hair on the back of his head. He liked it, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. He eventually reopened them and gently took my hand and kissed my inner palm.

“I really enjoyed last night, but I really am straight.”

This is where the story ends. I put my hand on his leg and asked him what was wrong. He rubbed his face again, looked down, and said, “Last night was amazing, but I don’t know what to do.” We sat in silence for a few more seconds, but, you guessed it, it felt like an eternity. He spoke again. “I really enjoyed it, but I really am straight….” This confused me, as I wasn’t placing any expectations on him.

He continued. “….I’m confused, and also I don’t know if there are rumors about me going around already.” Another pause, but shorter. “I don’t want to deal with the two together, or separately. I don’t know if I should feel good or bad.”