Yes, Grieving is a Part of Motherhood.
By: Stephanie Noelle
Tags: Parenthood, Career Paths, Motherhood, Loss, Grief

It’s the part of motherhood that no one talks about.

Photo courtesy of Guille Pozzi, Unsplash.com

One thing no one ever talks about regarding motherhood is the grieving process. As a second time mum, I’m feeling this grieving process even harder than the first time around, and I feel it’s my duty to share this feeling with new parents.

When discussing grief, most people conjure up thoughts of death: a death in the family, perhaps of a close friend. But there are many different types of grief, and some versions we often don’t classically label as grief. For example, grieving the end of a relationship or friendship, grieving the loss of a job, grieving the loss of freedom. That last one in particular, is what I’m referring to when I mention “motherhood grief”. Or, to be politically correct, “parenthood grief”. (For the sake of this article, I’m referring to the very specific grief I feel as a mother, but you smart people know what I mean when I say “this applies to fathers and other caregivers also”.)

Recently, I’ve been feeling down. My youngest daughter recently turned 4 months old, and I’m already starting to think of how I’ll feel when I return to work. If my current career choice is the best one for my family. If I’m satisfied with my life right now, as a 35 year old creative.

To be honest, I’m not satisfied. I thought by this age, I’d be much further in my career than I am. I envisioned a completely different Steph than the Steph I turned out to be. I feel as if I’ve lost the most creative, free version of Steph, and motherhood has a lot to do with it.

I’m not saying motherhood is a bad choice. I love being a mom, I truly do. I even think I’m doing a pretty damn good job at being a mom, and wife too! It’s just that my career has certainly taken a hit since I’ve become a mother.

And it’s the lost career outcomes that I grieve. I am saddened by the loss of creativity, specifically the energy to be creative, since I’ve had children. I am currently drained. My energy levels are so incredibly low, that washing my hair seems nearly impossible.

I am grieving freedom. The ability to take a brisk walk or visit a museum or library or lavishly long bath to get my creative juices flowing again. I feel a deep loss, a sadness, a longing for these types of activities. I feel my creativity has been stifled, simply due to exhaustion.

I am grieving the life I used to have, the way I used to pick up my keys and go for drives at the drop of a hat. The way I used to spend hours at the gym, making great use of the exercise machines as well as the sauna and hot tub. I miss the body I used to have, so fit and healthy and full of energy and youth.

I grieve the loss of the lazy life my husband and I enjoyed. The hours spent in bed together, watching Netflix, high on each other’s love (and other substances). I deeply miss laying in bed, legs intertwined, drinking wine and discussing all my dreams with him, enjoying hours upon hours of uninterrupted leisure.

Why is it that no one mentions grief as a parent? No one prepares new parents for the this darkness they may feel, especially a few months into having a child when the novelty of diaper changes and repeated night wakings wears off?

I hope new parents (and parents to be) here on Medium are reading this, and realizing that along the amazing emotions of intense love, curiosity and marvel at your little one, you may also feel a darkness set in, a cloud that may come and bother you some days, reminding you of the freedom you once had.

Since I’m currently in the thick of this grieving process, I’m unsure how to wave this dark cloud away. I think making time for myself will help, picking up pen and paper to write or to draw will help. It is my goal to do both more often, to keep the dark clouds at bay.

I think trusting my kids with caregivers even for just one afternoon, so I can spend a few hours absorbing inspiration, will help. I think talking about my feelings will help.

To the new parents reading this, please take the time to acknowledge all your newfound emotions that surround having a child. And please take the time to write down how you will combat any of the negative emotions you may experience.

Grieving looks different for everyone, but the most important step to fighting the dark clouds of loss is to acknowledge what you’re feeling.

Next, we have to accept that there are changes in our life we cannot avoid now, and accept that we will survive and thrive despite these changes. This part I have not reached yet, but I know I will get there some day. I know, because I will make it so. Baby steps, as they say.