A Season of Loss, Redefined.
Tags: Coronavirus, 2020, Covid 19 Crisis, Covid 19

This holiday season has completely redefined my sense of community, loss and bullshit. Deck those halls.

I think it’s safe to say we’ve all had a rough year.

Whether you’ve been able to shelter in place or lost your place (or your job, or a human you loved) due to COVID, whether you’ve gained 15 lbs or lost faith in humanity or forgotten how to put on a bra or reached the end of Netflix or discovered you are actually an introvert, this year mostly just sucked.

And while we all go through difficult times, we rarely go through difficult times to this level, at the same time.

Photo by Elena Mozhvilo on Unsplash

Regular Loss vs. COVID Loss

I’ve experienced holiday seasons that were defined by a loss. That’s singular- A loss. One.

In December of 2006, my grandfather passed away suddenly after 2 rounds of chemotherapy. That holiday season will always be defined by the loss of him. It was devastating.

But it was straightforward. Simple, in a strange way.

There was a clear, unambiguous loss. We mourned together as a family, putting one foot in front of the other, and kept on keeping on. No one had to navigate any new or strange restrictions. There was no sense of danger or doom. Just simple, cutting grief.

My, how times have changed.

A New Definition of Loss

2020 has been a year that has totally redefined my sense of loss. Because we’ve all lost so much this year. For the first time in our lives, we are wading through crisis and loss and grief and danger and confusion simultaneously. The generation that lived through WWII is the closest group that could begin to understand the magnitude of what we are dealing with psychologically at this point.

Loss of connection. Loss of understanding. Loss of support. Loss of ritual. Loss of community. Loss of breathing space. Loss of a common understanding. There’s been so much loss that it’s hard to keep it in mind. I will frequently start to make plans in my head and reach for my phone…only to remember that I can’t actually be in an indoor space with that person today or at any point in the near future.

Planning the holidays is a logistical nightmare under the best conditions- when there are not 2+ tiny grandchildren in the mix and 6+ voracious grandparents who want equal time. Add in the fact that we are unwilling to bring said grandchildren into an enclosed space with grandparents…I’ll let you just imagine the amount of hurt feelings that came out of that.

I never realized before that I could offend so many people at once just by choosing to protect my family in a way that is not universally condoned.

You’re Not Crazy- The World is Crazy

So, in case you were wondering today if you have finally, absolutely lost your shit, I’m here to tell you that you have not. Well, maybe you have, but it was well earned.

Photo by Shahzin Shajid on Unsplash

Things are crazy. We are functioning as humans in a social configuration that no functional, healthy society would ever choose.

To be blunt- everything about the current state of things is perfectly calibrated to make us mentally ill.

If you’re feeling crazy, rest assured that you SHOULD feel that way. We should feel sick and off and scared and unsure. Congratulations- you are working normally. We are not supposed to thrive in this environment. We are supposed to have problems with this. Because it’s not how we are supposed to operate.

We are social creatures. We rely on feedback from others to understand ourselves, to gauge our needs, to calibrate our feelings, and to exist harmoniously in society. When we don’t get that, it’s a loss. A primal loss that is next-to-impossible to measure.

Add in the loss of social feedback to all the other losses and deprivations of this year- it’s no wonder we feel like we are going insane. We absolutely should feel insane right now.

This is a lot to navigate.

We have no modern paradigm to guide us. I see so many people who are hell-bent on pressing on as though if they just ignore COVID-19, it won’t be there. Because we have no script for this. I understand the impulse. But at the same time, I see how crazy it is.

Because it’s not going away.

We have to deal with the threat and we’re having to learn in real time. That is going to be chaotic and rough. It just is. But it’s where we are.

Give Yourself Grace and Understanding

I hope that you’re able to remember to give yourself grace right now. I know the word ‘grace’ has a lot of religious connections, but I don’t mean it in a spiritual context. I mean that I hope you can be gentle with yourself right now. Or, if you’re using ‘grace’ as a verb, use it to honor and hold space for your feelings, whatever those feelings are.

Face and honor your own truth, however it presents itself. This is hard. You’re not imagining it. If it’s making you crazy, you’re right- it’s crazy.

If you feel off-balance, it’s because everything is off-balance right now.

Keep in mind that we are all working to get through this time, doing the best we can with the information we have. That’s all we CAN do at this point.

I hope you find some nuggets of joy and peace in this week. If you can’t, I hope you see a light at the end of the tunnel. No matter what though, I raise my glass of (recently sanitized) wine to you for making it this far, in a year that has redefined life as we know it.