How to (Actually) Apologize to Your Partner
By: Emma Austin
Tags: Self, Advice, Relationships, Sex, Life

Apologizing comes naturally to my husband and me. What we struggle with is apologizing well.

We’ll say sorry at the drop of a hat. We’ll express regret after screwing up, after fights, and whenever it feels warranted.

But it usually comes out wrong.

We both grew up in households where most of the apologies were inauthentic.

My parents never apologized to me for anything.

They either gave complete silence or excuses.

At times, they would screw up and try to quietly move past the mistake as if nothing had happened.

That was usually the best case scenario, because the alternative was finding a way to blame someone else for what they did.

If my father got disproportionately angry and verbally abusive over some slight, my mother would tell me that it was probably because I was rude or that I should’ve known better than bother him when he was grumpy.

If either of them made a promise and then didn’t follow through on it, they would tell me that I was unreasonable to expect that they would.

If they made a mistake, they would immediately go on a guerrilla fact-finding mission — running through all the people who might be responsible. It didn’t matter who it was or what they supposedly did — as long as it wasn’t them.

My husband got more apologies in his household, but they were from the wrong person.

His mother never apologized to him — or anyone. She still doesn’t.

She’ll rattle off excuses, blame others, or just roll her eyes like being held accountable is an obnoxious trifle.

Instead, his father did the apologizing. Mostly, he apologized for her. He still does.

If his mother threw a temper tantrum, he would sit down with Mr. Austin and tell him “You know, she’s been under so much stress lately. She really loves you and you should forgive her.”

When she didn’t follow through on her word, he would apologize on her behalf again and explain that she’s really well-meaning.

And if she lied, manipulated, or took advantage of him or his brothers — well, then there wasn’t any apology. Just some scolding for being ungrateful.

Those were the people who taught us how to apologize, so I guess it’s no surprise that neither of us is terribly good at it.

But it’s something we’re both actively working on because we know how much it sucks to be on the receiving end of an insincere, inauthentic, or just plain clumsy apology.

Not knowing how to apologize can cause a lot of trouble for a relationship. When your partner doesn’t apologize in a way that feels genuine, nothing feels resolved.

Being with a partner who doesn’t take accountability for their actions can leave you feeling bitter and resentful. It can leave you circling around the same problems over and over without making any progress on them.

Whenever you screw up, make sure you apologize for it and apologize properly. Here’s what that looks like.

The Superficial Stuff Doesn’t Matter

There are a couple of common sense apology rules that I think you can do without.

One is that you should look someone in the eyes when apologizing to them. The idea behind this is that avoiding eye contact is a sign of insincerity.

It isn’t. In fact, people tend to make more eye contact when they’re lying to you.

There are also plenty of other reasons to avoid someone’s gaze. You might be embarrassed about how badly you fucked up. You might be trying to keep your thoughts straight without getting overwhelmed. You might be doing it as a sign of remorse.

And looking someone in the eyes too much can feel awkward, artificial, and forced. And none of those things are going to do any favors for your apology.

Another rule is to apologize in person.

Email and text are fine for any serious conversation. That includes apologies.

I think the idea here is that doing it over text is cowardly. But so what? What matters isn’t that you were brave, it’s that you apologized.

Plus, a lot of people don’t process their thoughts and emotions as well in a face-to-face conversation — myself included. When I apologize over text, I can avoid the mental fog I get in some emotionally charged situations, I can override some of my people pleasing tendencies, and I can make sure that the words I say are the ones I actually mean.

There’s nothing wrong with any of that. Apologize in the way that works best for you and your partner.

Acknowledge What You Did

Just saying you’re sorry is a pretty bland apology. It’s better if you’re clear about what you’ve done and why you’re sorry you did it.

Simply saying sorry can make it sound like you’re just trying to get out of trouble. Like you’re hoping that magic word is your Get Out of Jail Free card so everything can go back to normal.

Instead, take ownership of what you’ve done. Tell your partner you’re sorry for forgetting their birthday, apologize for being careless, or say that the stupid joke you made was hurtful.

Bonus points if you acknowledge why you shouldn’t have done it. “I knew it meant a lot to you,” or “I know that kind of thing is triggering for you,” or “I was being really insensitive” all show that you actually understand why you shouldn’t have done what you did.

Don’t Say “But”

You can kill your apology with a single word.

Any part of your apology that starts with “but” risks shifting you out of apology mode and into excuse mode. And owning up to something is not the time to play defense.

It’s usually done as a way to have it both ways. You can give your apology but then also exonerate yourself of the responsibility for it. You get to say sorry and you don’t even have to feel bad about it.

Except it doesn’t work that way. At best, defending your actions spoils your apology. At worst, it risks invalidating your partner’s feelings or veering right into gaslighting territory.

This Isn’t the Time to Air Your Grievances

One common type of bad apology is to try to heap some blame on your partner.

It could be something they just did, something you’ve been holding onto and quietly seething about for weeks, or some random slight from months ago.

It’s basically a desire to even the score. You feel embarrassed by what you’ve done or you’re cross that you have to apologize for it, so you dig for something you think they should apologize for in return.

It doesn’t even have to be related or connected in any way. A lot of times, it will be something like “Yeah, what I said was insensitive, but you never empty the dishwasher.” It doesn’t have to make sense — it just has to feel like you’re pulling them down with you.

An apology is not the right time to start airing your grievances. Save it for Festivus.

Avoid Making It About You

Acknowledging that you feel terrible for what you’ve done is a good move. Heaping it on too thick isn’t.

If you keep reiterating how bad you feel, how sorry you are, that you can’t believe what a jerk you’ve been, that you’re so incredibly sorry and don’t know how you’ll live with yourself — you’re kind of hogging the apology spotlight.

Your focus is supposed to be on what you’ve done and how it negatively affected your partner — not on how it’s making you feel.

Over-apologizing is sometimes used as a manipulation tactic. You make such a big deal of how you feel that your partner ends up being the one reassuring you, instead of the other way around. They’ll tell you that it’s okay, that it’s not that big of a deal, and they do what they can to cajole you back to feeling alright.

Even when it’s not used to deliberately turn the tables emotionally, it’s still a bad apology because it spotlights your feelings instead of the way your partner’s been hurt or upset.

Actually Change Your Behavior

Once you’ve apologized, actually take some concrete steps to make up for it.

Depending on what you’re apologizing for, that might mean doing your partner a favor to make up for not following through with a promise.

It could be making a genuine effort to avoid repeating the same mistakes. My husband has had to apologize a lot for his forgetfulness over the years. But it felt a lot more sincere when he started to set reminders and leave himself notes so he’d be sure not to forget things that mattered to me.

If what you’ve done is bad enough, you might need to work on actively rebuilding your partner’s trust in you. That’s a long process, but it’s essential for the apology to be genuine.

Making up for what you’ve done is a really important step. Saying you’re sorry happens in the moment, but your apology doesn’t end there. Even if you sound sincere saying it, your partner can reevaluate your apology if you don’t actually change anything about your behavior.

An apology can feel hollow in retrospect because you didn’t actually make amends for it.

And if you have a habit of making hollow apologies, it can slowly erode your partner’s trust over the long term. Eventually, it doesn’t matter how often you say you’re sorry because they can’t believe your apologies anymore.

So, don’t just apologize when you screw up — make up for it, too.

Apologies Are Essential

A bad apology can be as bad as no apology.

Unfortunately, saying sorry isn’t as easy as it seems. Some of us have bad apologizing habits that can take a long time to undo.

Apologizing is an incredibly important relationship skill. It’s how you remain trustworthy, rebuild your connection, and reassure your partner after you’ve upset them or let them down. So start working on it now. You’ll be sorry if you don’t.