How my views on sexism changed after moving abroad (CR pt. 2)
By: Ekaterina Lommas
Tags: Toxic Masculinity, Sexism, Feminism

When you live in a closed-off space, be it either a provincial town or a conservative country, you receive a very small set of knowledge about the world and how everything is supposed to be. As an example, take some highly controlled places such as cults, which are extreme, or countries with dictatorship (open or camouflaged). When the information is thoroughly selected for you, you grow up believing that your surroundings are the standard. Of course, my place of upbringing wasn’t as terrifying, but I still perceived the same vibe from it.

Russia is a very conservative country, no matter what you say. Those who point out Moscow as an outstanding example of tolerance, acceptance and etc, must have never visited anything else. Moscow and St. Petersburg are huge cities which, quite frankly, do not represent an average citizen. The average Russian is reserved, conservative and difficult to read at first. We have recently prohibited same-sex marriage on the legislative level, for God’s sake. What other proof do you need?

Now imagine Russia 20 years ago when I was a happy baby barely dreaming of going to school the following year. An industrial region, a remote town with not much to do, old-school teachers and zero Internet. What could we be taught?

I grew up with the solid understanding that boys never cry, they always fight with each other (because it’s the best way to prove your point, obviously), they wear blue for some reason and that they beat girls as a sign of their affection. No jokes here, just google “If he beats you, then it means he loves you”: this IS a phrase I’ve heard all my life. On the other hand, girls wear pink, always cry and, as a matter of fact, “Our place is in the kitchen”. There are some other phrases, but most of them similarly showcase the severity of sexism as we feel it and confront it everyday. Things are changing, gladly, but for my generation the truth is all the above. I was raised to believe it and so I did.

This changed drastically when I moved abroad for more than a couple of days, and I stayed in Colombia for almost 2 years. I tried to build my life there, even had a couple of boyfriends, tried living with them, thinking if I should stay there forever. Long story short, I didn’t. But I matured a lot and that world has opened my eyes to some unspeakable truths.

First of all, I got exposed to feminism as a movement which seemed quite nice. Girls were fighting for equality, same jobs and salaries, same treatment which is based on their intellectual capabilities and not the size of their bra. It was there where I first understood the concept of “toxic masculinity” and had a revelation. I looked back at my male friends, ex-boyfriends and just some acquaintances and I was speechless. So many of them were overloaded with this desire to dominate, to own the place, to own the woman, have her as a toy, restrained and well-trained. They might have had nothing horrible in their minds, but they were raised to believe that a woman has no brain, therefore, she cannot express anything of value and has no better use than a kitchen appliance. And so they thought. Not because they knew that actually women could be smart and independant and wanted to belittle them in order to keep their power over them. No, it was because they truly believed in the opposite idea. As soon as I realised it and assessed my life, I broke up with my Russian boyfriend who was the most standard example of this way of thinking and moved to another city.

After that I listened to people, absorbed their ideas and opened up to any kind of knowledge. It felt refreshing, powerful. At some point I thought to myself: “Wow, I can do anything. I can speak my mind, have my opinion and be heard”. Not that I didn’t have an opinion in Russia, it wasn’t THAT bad, but more often than not it was regarded as an insignificant one. After all, I was just a girl, what could I know, right? But Colombia no, Colombia was so different. Girls ruled there, they held the power in the society, they dictated and decided how to do things. Up to the point when it became a little bit… way too much.

Gender roles swapped in Colombia, not in all 100% cases in the country (I couldn’t have possibly assessed that many people), but it was noticeable in the places where I lived. As a rule there, women go to work, men stay at home. There are some men who do have jobs and manage a healthy life-work balance with their partners, sharing the duties at home, as well as all financial matters. The thing that struck me most, nonetheless, was those men who gave up their lives. Did they think to themselves “Well, you wanted power, there you have it; you wanted to be business ladies and told us you didn’t want to waste your life staying at home.. no problems! We’ll do it!”? — I don’t know, but it surely seemed like it. Men switched to maintaining the household, doing the dishes and cleaning the floor, having no jobs, by the way! Maybe I got to know the wrong social stratum, but it was a recurrent thing to see. And for me, it was completely off balance. This is not equality! It’s the same thing all over again, just with the opposite side losing.

Another thing I noticed, which may have also influenced such a disbalance, was the growing amount of “feminazis”. Those ladies didn’t fight for freedom, equality or anything of the sort, for that matter. They simply sought a fight to pick: any man saying anything remotely resembling a sexism comment was bound to be burnt on a stick like a witch.

I was torn between male friends with toxic masculinity issues, feminists and feminazis, my patriarchal upbringing and stereotypes. I still am, to some point, puzzled and confused by them.

Gladly, since then I have discovered something called “traditional feminism” which is a bit closer to my understanding of things. It basically stands on the traditional gender roles, but reinforces women to take care of themselves first, get education, a stable job and their values sorted out. Regarding men it does imply a more traditional interaction, but it emphasizes the importance of a “quality man”, which also means an educated, well-mannered, mature one. In a nutshell, be the best version of you, constantly evolve and ask for the best, nothing but the best, in return. Sounds good for me. What about you?