I Asked My Son If I Was A Good Mom — Here’s What He Said
By: Kathryn Morris
Tags: Motherhood, Life Lessons, Family, Parenting, Relationships

I Asked My Son If I Was A Good Mom — Here’s What He Said

I feel like a rubbish mom most of the time, so I decided to ask my four-year-old son his opinion

Image Source: Pixabay

‘Leo.’

He looked at me, briefly, his long hair hanging over his big blue eyes. He is only four years old, but suddenly, he looks so grown up. No one warns you of just how quickly your kids grow up, and it’s not a gradual thing either. It happens overnight. It’s happened again to Leo; he looks so much older all of a sudden. I want him to slow down, just a little. I know it’s selfish, but I’m just a typical mother — I want just a little bit more time with my baby.

‘Leo, can I ask you something? Am I a good mommy?’

I asked my son this question because I genuinely wanted to know. Perhaps it was the flu, perhaps it was running on two hours sleep, or perhaps it was too many hours spent feeling sorry for myself — but I felt very low when I asked the question, frightened that I’d let him down by being too poorly to play with him and the new toys he’d had for Christmas.

Leo looked at me.

‘Yes,’ he said.

I didn’t know what I had expected — but I thought if the worst happened, and he told me I was a rubbish mom, at least I’d done something right because 1). he feels comfortable enough to tell me I suck and 2). at least I knew what I could work on in order to be the mother my son deserves.

‘Is there anything I can do better?’ I asked, relieved that he said yes. But a yes wasn’t enough for me. I just wanted to make sure.

When you’ve had a lifetime of trauma, the fear of letting your child down is much greater. I cannot speak for other mums, but my traumatic past has become a huge shadow that rests on my chest and controls a lot of my decisions. I have to be careful. I have to listen for my voice amongst the static created by being anxious, hypervigilant, and dissociative. Me asking this important question was an attempt to be present and to let Leo at least know that if I had let him down at all, I was determined to do better.

Leo took a moment to think about his answer. I smiled. I would have loved to have been asked this question when I was younger. If I were a confident child, I’d have milked the question for all its worth, and I’d have done exactly the same thing my son was about to do — but I was not a confident child. I was painfully shy, feeling like a carer at an age that is too young to worry so deeply about other people’s feelings and tread on eggshells around them.

But my son does not have the same childhood that I had. He has a much better childhood. He has a normal childhood — or at least I have tried my hardest to make it as normal as possible, even during a global pandemic.

‘How can I be a better Mum?’ I asked patiently.

‘Buy more presents,’ he said. Smart kid.

I must be doing something right. Because my kid was confident enough to push his luck by asking for more stuff just four days after Christmas.

I could overanalyze this and think that him asking for more toys so soon after Christmas means I didn’t get him enough, or that I spoil him too much, but those messages don’t really work for the “inspirational” vibe I’m going for here. So we will stick to the positives because parenthood is hard enough without picking apart the wins.

‘Anything else?’ I said.

‘More Mario Lego,’ he said. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too,’ I said. And because I’m a sucker, I looked online for more Mario Lego playsets, because it’s my son’s favorite toy he had for Christmas, a Christmas I spent weeks worrying about because his father was on the furlough scheme due to covid, and I didn’t know how to make it special enough on much less money this year.

But it was good enough. Leo was so happy on Christmas Day. Yet again, my perception of things was way off, differing drastically from my son’s perception. To me, it wasn’t good enough. But for my son, it was the best day ever.