Unsolicited Advice For Pregnant Women
By: Giulia Rozzi
Tags: Pregnancy, Humor, Parenting, Pregnant, Satire

Illustration by Lili Michelle

Did you know that caffeine is bad for the baby? I saw you holding a coffee cup and just wanted to let you know that you should keep it to under 200 mg a day. I know a friend of a friend that drank too much coffee and her baby’s first words were: “Can you watch my laptop while I use the bathroom?”

Did you know alcohol is bad for the baby? I saw you gazing longingly at your husband’s glass of wine at dinner. Don’t even think about it. I know a friend of a friend that took one sip of a mimosa during her third trimester and now the only thing her baby will eat is $22 avocado toast.

Did you know that sushi, raw eggs, undercooked beef, deli meat, and soft cheese are bad for the baby? I couldn’t help but notice you at the grocery store eyeing these items. I know a friend of a friend that had a bite of a brie and jambon baguette sandwich when she was pregnant and her baby was born with a beret glued to its head. She tried everything to get it off but the baby just kept screaming “Non, mademoiselle” and singing Celine Dion hits.

Did you know being around chemicals is bad for the baby? It has come to my attention that you were perusing paint samples at the hardware store. I know a friend of a friend that walked into her baby’s nursery for thirty seconds before the paint on the walls had dried and now her baby is addicted to HGTV home improvement shows. Every time the baby burps it makes a face like the Property Brothers. Both of them.

Did you know that lack of sleep is bad for the baby? I was recently made aware that you yawned twice this month. You must get plenty of rest! Just be sure not to lie down on your back or stomach or in a bucket of glass, those things are also bad for the baby. Sleeping on your side is best. I know a friend of a friend who slept on her stomach and it pushed the fetus so far back into her body she had to give birth out of her butt.

Did you know gaining too much weight is bad for the baby? There’s a rumor going around that you were chowing down pretty hard the other night. I get it, you’re “eating for two,” but one of those two is the size of a fist and last I checked a fist doesn’t need to consume a pound of tater tots. I know a friend of a friend that ate so much when she was pregnant that when her “water” broke, 16 ounces of Mountain Dew poured out.

Did you know that not gaining enough weight is bad for the baby? I got the call that you only ate half of your lunch yesterday. Fulfill those cravings girl! Hashtag body positive! Hashtag goddess mama! Hashtag yaaaas belly! I know a friend of a friend that ate so little when she was pregnant that when her “water” broke, 16 ounces of Slim-Fast poured out.

Did you know that pregnancy is bad for the baby? When you told me you were pregnant I wasn’t sure if you knew that you made a huge mistake. Have you read the news? Thanks to climate change, the earth probably won’t last another twenty years, our democracy is being challenged, and don’t even get me started on global pandemics. Honestly, I don’t know why anyone would bring a child into this world right now. I know a friend of a friend who had a baby recently and after watching the news for 72 hours straight she attempted to shove the baby back into her womb.

Did you know that having a baby is bad for the baby?