Door slamming narcissism again
By: Bevin Niemann
Tags: Empath, Narcissistic Abuse, Narcissism, Highly Sensitive People, Highly Sensitive Person

For anyone out there who’s ever navigated a family system with those on the heavy end of the narcissism scale — I feel you.

Years of gaslighting: how I’m not good enough, it’s all my fault, look what I did to him, I’m too needy, parading out every past mistake I’ve made to try to make me feel ashamed, guilty, and small.

If you let them, these messages take a toll on your self-identity.

Especially as a sensitive soul who can sense the Divine, eternal spark in everyone, a part of you wants to hold hope. To consider giving one more chance, to believe anyone is capable of change.

What can we say? Empaths have huge hearts.

When the destructive abuse begins, even when you know exactly what’s happening, a sensitive person will often take a moment to contemplate, is there something about me that warrants addressing? Do they have a point?

We always self-reflect and expect others to do the same.

Narcissists do not.

The newest interaction with my self-absorbed family member, ripped the veil off the illusion (again). This time, it was a masterfully woven tale of having a spiritual awakening. Described how a life-or-death circumstance helped him recognize the fragility of life. He even stated how his actions had impacted me and other family members. What, is he finally taking responsibility and showing remorse?

You know that glimmer of hope?

It’s a real bitch.

He simply knew exactly how to push my buttons as a spiritual teacher. Because he revealed he’s been stalking me on Facebook. (They always out themselves; perhaps it gives them a weird thrill to share their methodology). Watching my videos, reading my posts, looking for a way to get back in the control position.

Even though I was super skeptical of his out of the blue awakening and held assertive boundaries, I also shared too much. I forgot to be grey rock.

Mostly because I’m used to having an amazing inner circle of people I can trust to share anything. Partly because I wanted his transformation to be true.

Just like every other time, the communication devolved, and his true intentions were revealed. I wouldn’t describe this rollercoaster as going sideways, more like turning inside fucking out. While it’s a familiar, cyclical carnival ride, I’m ready to get off.

The empath — narc dynamic is complex. It would be easier if I could just view it as one person is good and one person is evil, but it’s not so cut and dry. The times when they seem to care can get you really twisted. Add in societal messaging that you must be loyal to family, no matter what. Which is why no matter how much healing and empowerment work you’ve done; you can still find yourself getting pulled back in.

Did this interaction suck? Yes.

Am I being hard on myself because I played out this cycle again? A little bit.

Am I grateful this relationship dynamic is in my life to help me own my empathic gifts and strength?

Sort of.

Hey, it’s an honest answer.

I prefer to explore my strengths through loving, healthy and reciprocal relationships, thank you very much.

I’m doing the door slam and reinforcing this barrier (again). Reminding myself although every soul is a part of the Oneness, their deeply wounded human behavior is not healthy to be around.

This is his path; not mine to fix, rescue or sacrifice my own well-being for. I don’t have to own his projections or spend one moment contemplating whether I need to be ashamed of who I am or the journey I’ve walked.

I’m done wondering if someone who was born with a lack of empathetic brain wiring + deep, unresolved childhood wounding will ever treat me with love and respect. He’s just not capable of doing so.

There’s a finality to the padlock I put on this worn out, rusted relationship. As I wrote the final email and blocked him on social media, I could have easily used my fierce inner warrior to slash open his exposed underbelly. A primal part of me wanted revenge.

But this time, I chose my own well-being.

You see, an empath’s true power lies in our energy field. What we choose to receive and what we choose to extend. How we hold ourselves as a transformational presence in this world.

I’ve worked so hard to become a clear channel, pettiness has no place here. I’m still hurt and angry, but I won’t match narcissistic energy with narcissistic energy.

So be it.