The Dark Side of Perfectionism
By: Dawn Bevier
Tags: Mental Health, Mental Illness, Perfectionism, Self, Self Improvement

The Dark Side of Perfectionism

That high achiever you wish you could emulate? Don’t.

Image by Lukas Bieri on Pixabay

I’m a perfectionist. And an over-achiever. And a person on the outside who looks at times like “Wonder Woman.”

But the reality is much darker.

I get up each morning at three a.m. to write because it’s the only time I have to do so as a mom of two. I stress about each carbohydrate I put in my mouth, obsess over each time I am weak and choose to put sugar in my creamer instead of drinking it black, and feel guilt over each lesson plan that doesn’t have the “pop” and “pow” that will keep my students happy and engaged.

And these worries have brought me a fair amount of things of which to be proud.

For example, I am seeing growth in my goal of becoming a better writer. I remain at the same weight I was in high school, which is something that few of my middle-aged friends can say, and I am a well-loved and respected teacher.

Sounds like a great life, right?

Well, at least the part about being so successful.

But what most people around me who say “I wish I had that discipline” or “How do you manage to do it all?” don’t know is that, each morning when I set my Google Maps for success , I also take medications. For anxiety. For depression. For Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

In short, I’m sick. And sometimes I feel this drive for perfection is “killing me softly.”

And I frequently wonder which came first — the mental illness or the perfectionism?

I’m not sure. But I do know one thing: these two “diseases” feed off of each other. They are, in fact, the best of friends.

When Perfectionism gets tired, Anxiety helps him back to his feet. When Anxiety is feeling down, Perfectionism comforts him and urges him to get back up.

And their “ganging up” on me is draining me of my happiness. My sense of peace. My physical well-being.

And I know without a doubt, I’m not alone.

So here it is, the real truth about what it means to live with these two “bullies.”

Image by Elias Sch. on Pixabay

There is no such thing as feeling satisfied.

A Psychology Today article entitled “Pitfalls of Perfectionism” cites psychology instructor and author Miriam Adderholdt, who explains the difference between a healthy drive for excellence and the dangerous compulsion that is characteristic of perfectionists. She states that “excellence involves enjoying what you’re doing, feeling good about what you’ve learned, and developing confidence. Perfection involves…finding mistakes no matter how well you’re doing.”

Case in point from my own life.

I recently took classes to attain my English as a Second Language certification. The final step was to take the Praxis exam and pass it. The highest score you could achieve was a two-hundred. I made a 199. And as much joy as I felt in the high score, I could never quite let go of the missing one point.

Crazy, isn’t it? But that’s what it means to be a perfectionist.

For example, have you ever heard of the 80/20 principle in dieting? It involves eating healthily 80 percent of the time and 20 percent of the time allowing yourself “indulgences” in foods that may not be beneficial to weight loss.

Perfectionism involves holding oneself to the “100% principle,” and any weakness that deviates from this goal is reason for feelings of misery and guilt.

And even though we perfectionists know that this goal is simply unattainable, we still hold ourselves to this impossible standard. And when the failures occur, as they inevitably will, we mope for a bit, and then move to the only solution we see as viable: more work.

Image by Free-Photos on Pixabay

There is no rest.

American cartoonist Jack Kirby says it best when he say that “perfectionists are their own devils.”

And if this is true, the “devil” of perfectionism allows “no rest for the wicked” who fall under its exhausting work demands.

This “lust” for perfection has a punishment akin to Dante’s poem The Divine Comedy, where the lustful are subjected to violent winds which incessantly push them back and propel them forward in a cycle of torment from which they can never achieve rest or peace.

In the article “8 Signs You’re a Perfectionist (and Why It’s Toxic to Your Mental Health” esteemed psychologists and researchers Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett state the truth that every sufferer of perfectionism knows: that perfectionists “tend to feel that they better they do, the better they are expected to do.”

And this translates into a never-ending cycle of labor, because once a perfectionist reaches success at one level, his or her immediate response is how to achieve success at the next level.

Take well-known perfectionist and musical artist Kanye West.

A Forbes article on the singer recounts his almost fatal perfectionism in his attempts to make sure his debut album College Dropout was finished in a timely manner. During the making of this album the singer was involved in a serious car accident. West fell asleep at the wheel, which was most likely due to “spending nearly every waking hour in the studio.” As a result of the accident, West’s jaw was wired shut, and yet he still rapped out (literally and metaphorically) his hit “Through the Wire,” which was inspired by the event itself.

West’s actions are typical of a perfectionist, where each minute wasted leads to a heightened anxiety that one may be stepping closer into the quicksands of failure.

And so we perfectionists push on. And on. Past exhaustion. Past pain. Past every “rest stop” on their quest for the illusory destination of perfection.

And quest to move forward never ends, thus causing a mountain of physical and emotional problems. In a Grazia article entitled “Is Your Perfectionism Affecting Your Mental Health,” clinical psychologist Dr. Nihara Krause states the connection between perfectionism and mental health issues, explaining that “perfectionism and eating disorders go hand in hand, as well as conditions like obsessive-disorder, depression and anxiety.”

Even more disturbing is a fact by Medical News Today which cites a study that found “over half of people who died by suicide were described by their loved ones as perfectionists.”

Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash

The bottom line:

Even though perfectionism can lead to high achievement and esteem in our society, the psychological suffering and mental health issues that result are rarely worth the corresponding accomplishments. This growing phenomenon is leading to a plethora of unhappy humans who can never enjoy the simple pleasures in life and truly be “in the moment” to enjoy the blessings that surround them: the love and happiness brought on by doing “unproductive” yet fun-filled things with family and friends, the emotional release that accompanies pursuing pleasures for only pleasures sake, and deeper intimacy with loved ones and friends that comes from wonderful bouts of laughter, leisure and even a bit of laziness.

So sufferers like me would do well to seek help or at least ask themselves if this lifestyle is truly one in which they are willing to risk all to “make a name for themselves.” If unchecked this “disease” may lead to more than a prestigious title written beside their name on the office door or a fleeting mention of their name along with their success on the front page of a newspaper.They may find, in fact, that the name they make is one written on their own tombstone.

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