Thanks For Joining Our New Dating App, Flush!
By: Rowdy Geirsson
Tags: Humor, Satire, Dating App, Dating, Online Dating

Image mash-up by Rowdy Geirsson based on imagery by Sam Killermann and Oleg Magni

Hello there, and thanks for joining Flush — the groundbreaking new dating app that’s taking the world by storm! Already deleted by millions of people, Flush is designed from the ground up to be the last match-making app that you’ll ever install on your phone.

That’s because Flush takes the abysmal experience that countless other apps already offer and backs it up with the unreliability of a faulty 200-year-old plumbing system. Our algorithm evaluates your preferences regarding potential matches, dumps them down the drain, and then spits up an overflow of people who are the polar opposite of what you’re actually hoping to find. No gimmicks. No hassles. Just a sudden feeling of total deflation co-mingled with the mild sensation of relief as the pressure (to find someone) starts to subside.

When it comes to preventing new connections, Flush is second to none. We invented the double opt-out. Want to ignore someone, and let the water remain standing, so to speak? Then s/wipe left for #1. More interested in proactively dis-liking someone? Then s/wipe right for #2 and give that profile a Flush! It’s as simple as that. Flush makes it easy to not only empty the bowl of prospective partners, but to also start thinking about giving up on dating entirely.

Plus, we’ve recently introduced the Super Flush. That’s our patented feature that kicks in whenever two people proactively decide to super-dis-like each other with the special plunger shaped button (only one Super Flush allowed per day). When that happens, the app will stop running and plug up the rest of your phone, forcing you to turn it off and on again. As we like to say, mutual distaste coupled with extreme annoyance and a growing sense of dejection is at the very core of everything we do.

And if you do match with someone by mistake — we like to call these little accidents “mismatches” and are working to get this bug out of our system in the next release — there’s nothing to fear! Because we’ve disabled all potential for civilized in-app communication. That means you’ll only ever see messages from your mismatches if they contain offensive language, crude scatological references, or photos of genitalia.

Finally, Flush’s ultra-smart AI is wired to learn from your actions in order to intensify your feeling of discomfort. That’s why you only have one hour to delete any potty-mouthed message that you might receive from a mismatch before we start leaking uncontrollably to Facebook and tag you using our built-in Toilet Graffiti function. Our goal isn’t only for you to become disgusted with your fellow human beings, but to also hate us as well.

You’re a clog in the Flush family of pipes now, so it’s time to get out there and start Flushing away! And be sure to drop us a sinker if you have any questions or comments (just know that we’ll charge your iTunes account an undisclosed, random fee if you do). Whether you’re just casually looking to see what isn’t out there or are serious about losing all faith in humanity, Flush is here to help you give it one final push before you call it quits and decide to just let things follow their own natural course.