The Case Against Setting Goals for Children
By: Primal Dhillon
Tags: Parenting, Self Improvement, Strategy, Psychology, Education

The Case Against Setting Goals for Children

Strategies for success

Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

While working with parents of middle school children I realized that most parents wanted their children to be self-driven and goal-oriented. However, their parenting styles commonly fell into two extremes: some went into an overdrive of authority, while others were laissez-faire. Parents often found it hard to straddle the fine line between instilling structure and inculcating independence.

Many times we perpetuate what we learned from our parents. My parents were very function-oriented. If an activity did not serve a useful purpose in their eyes, it was out — we were encouraged to study or help with the housework, and everything else was seen as secondary.

The issue of giving our child the right amount of direction is a life long struggle for some of us. It is especially heightened now in remote learning when the distinction between play and school seems hard to define and even harder to enforce as the morning-evening rhythm is gone, and weekdays-weekends blur.

The first instinct in such situations is to proactively create a structure for children. But, if children rely solely on their parents to define their goals, they will struggle to become independent as they grow.

This brings us to the harder, but much more valuable task: To enable children to build goals and structure for themselves.

Find a balance: Do not Overstructure your child’s time

Once, when I was working with a student who often missed school for weeks, I got frustrated because I was unable to help him improve his attendance. This was despite the fact that I had personally made goals for him, shared them with him, explained my reasons, and provided supports.

Finally, one day I sat with him and asked him what he wanted his goal to be. He chose the goal of improving his attendance, however, to do so he said he would reach late daily. Initially, I was aghast, but once he explained his reasons, I understood why he was the best person to decide his target. He said the biggest deterrent was the amount of time and effort it took him to take two public buses in the morning, sometime in sub-zero temperatures, to reach school in time (8:00 AM). Instead, he could get a ride with his neighbor who passed by the school daily at 8:30 AM. This would save him over an hour.

Our school has a strict lateness policy, wherein students who come late have to take some time out at recess to sit in a quiet area and reflect on their actions and consider how to improve them. Since every time he came late in the past, we took away part of his time to be with friends at lunch, he felt further discouraged to show up. Understanding his individual circumstances, we made an exception for him and he was able to improve his attendance. Yes, he was late daily but at least he came every day.

Case Study: How making our own goals can help us succeed

Jason now feels more successful and is working towards the next goal of coming in time every day.

Why encourage autonomous goal-setting?

Increased awareness of the power of self: Goal setting will instill awareness in children of their own agency. They will be able to understand that they have the power to make decisions that determine what their day looks like. This will show them that their own initiative can bring them fulfillment and will help build a sense of self-confidence. Research has shown that children are more successful when they set their own goals since they feel motivated.

Practice in prioritization: Goal setting will provide them with daily practice with how to prioritize the most important tasks. Learning how to prioritize at a young age will help them live a life of intention and not one of passively letting things happen to them.