Why and How to Say No
Tags: Life, Mindfulness, Life Lessons, Inspiration, Personal Growth

The oldest, shortest words — ‘yes’ and ‘no’ — are those which require the most thought. - Pythagoras

How do we say NO?

Step 1: Identify the Opportunities

In this initial step we have identified our need to learn to say NO and have made it a goal. What happens is that we start to identify opportunities that have already passed where we could have, and often should have, said NO.

You know what these are. You wish you had said NO. You can think of several times you have said to yourself or someone else, “I never should have agreed to do this.”

It’s that regretful feeling that we didn’t take the chance when we had it. This is an important stage in the process, though, since it instills within us the negative experiences that can result from not having said NO. When enough of those build up, we know we need to say NO in the future.

Now we start thinking ahead to when those opportunities will occur in the future.

Step 2: Be Prepared. Practice Saying NO.

Tone is the hardest part of saying NO. -Jonathan Price

Next time someone asks you to do something, you will want to be prepared with a polite way to say NO. Some of us need to practice the words that feel right, practice the tone, practice the calm, the firmness, the confidence that we want to go with it.

Do this by yourself at home, while waiting in line somewhere, while sitting in your car at a stop light. This sounds silly, but you will want to make sure the words YOU use are right for you, fit you, feel like you. You will feel prepared with your response the next time you are asked to do something you want to say NO to.

Be as brief as possible. Simply state NO and give a quick reason why. DO NOT give long, elaborate responses. No drama or people will just mirror back with all their drama. No reasons. Keep it short and simple.

The Simple NO

“Thanks, but I’ll have to pass on that.” Say it, then be quiet. You don’t want to ruin the effect.

The Gracious NO

“I really appreciate your asking me, but my time is already committed.” Or, “Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I have some other priorities right now.” This is a gentle way to say no.

The “I’m Sorry” NO

“I wish I could, but it’s just not convenient.” Or, “I’m sorry, but I can’t help out at this time.” This technique sometimes gets the other person to apologize for even asking.

The “It’s Someone Else’s Decision” NO

“I promised my coach (or my spouse) that I wouldn’t take on any more projects without discussing it with them first.” This postpones the decision and allows you to decide if you really want to say NO. Only use this technique when you’re not sure if you want to say yes. Pro tip: you can think of me as your “life coach” in this response.

The “Family Is the Reason” NO

“Thank you very much for the invitation. That’s the day of my son’s soccer game, and I never miss those.” Or, “Thanks, but I have family commitments at that time.” Or, “Thanks, but I have family commitments on Thursday nights (or weekends, weeknights, or whatever time is proposed). Good reasons also include birthdays, anniversaries, time with family, etc.

The “I Know Someone Else” NO

“I just don’t have the time to help you right now, but let me recommend someone else I know.” A great way to say no while still helping the person by giving another option.

The ” I’m Already Booked” NO

“I appreciate your thinking of me, but I’m afraid I’m already booked that day.” Or, “Thanks for thinking of me, but I have a regular appointment/meeting at that time.” Use this one especially if you’ve blocked out time for yourself.

Step 3: Doing the Right Thing at the Right Time

At this step, we learn to say NO at the right time — immediately!

Other tips

Slow down! Think before you respond.

Plan ahead. If you know you are going to confront someone or a situation, plan what you will say in advance. Practice the words that will fit you, fit the situation

If a person is persistently asking details about your NO, it is not necessary to come up with a new explanation each time. In fact, don’t. Do NOT explain further. Just repeat your NO calmly and your original reason for declining.

If you are caught off guard and are asked to do something or go somewhere and you don’t particularly want to, say “I wish I could, however, I have an appointment.” Saying with who you have an appointment with isn’t necessary.

Avoid saying “maybe”. Maybe is only a way of postponing a decision. You’re not playing fair with yourself or others. When you know you want to say “NO”, say it.