1 Way That Little White Lies Damage Relationships of All Types
By: Malinda Fusco
Tags: Mental Health, This Happened To Me, Parenting, Advice, Relationships

Experience: “You’ll get arrested if you drive with your interior lights on.”

As a kid, I wanted to read in the car. We didn’t have smartphones yet, and I liked reading more than the GameBoy.

The problem? You can’t read in the dark.

I would often ask my mom, “Why can’t I have the light on? What’s the purpose of the light if I can’t have it on?”

Eventually, she told me that we would get arrested and go to jail if she let me have the light on while driving at night. “And you don’t want that to be your fault, do you?” Her voice echoed in my head for years.

Fast forward quite a few years where I’m the driver and my friend hits the interior light.

“Susie, you gotta turn it off!” I said as my knuckles gripped the wheel.

I was already nervous to drive as a new driver. The added stress of the light was not helping.

“What are you talking about? I just need it for a few minutes.”

“We’re not getting arrested so you can fix your hair,” I told her, seriously.

You can imagine, she burst out laughing. I ended up pulling off the road so we could have a quick Google session. So started the cracks and doubt in my relationship with my mother.

The Experts: Lying With Good Intentions Is Still Lying

Dr. Greenberg talks about how lying, especially to kids, breaks familial trust and creates a toxic environment. This is definitely true. The more lies I discovered, the less I trusted my mom, and the more we grew apart.

After years of weird occurrences happening, I started to wonder what else was a lie?

What deeply held beliefs did I have that were just a product of my mom saying some random “explanation” to manipulate me into behaving?

Yes, driving with your interior lights on is dangerous. But it isn’t illegal.

What else was I wrong about? I’m sure I still have some strange misconceptions to this day that I haven’t even realized yet.

Lying is a form of manipulation. This is especially true when adults lie to kids to “protect” them or influence their behavior.

So how should you deal with questions from kids, teens, peers, friends, lovers, or even coworkers?

Speak to Inform, Not Manipulate

Communication becomes manipulation when you intend to control the other person’s behaviors.

Granted, adults do need to maintain a level of control over their kids. Kids often won’t make the best decisions for themselves, so don’t get me wrong. My mom definitely should have told me to keep the cabin light off. However, there’s a way to do so.

I have a friend, Jake, who is very honest with his kid. When she asks why, he explains why things are the way they are (or why he doesn’t want her doing x, y, or z). If Jake doesn't know, they sit down and Google it together.

However, he still sets clear boundaries with his child and states consequences if boundaries aren’t respected. He speaks to inform her, not manipulate her. As a result? She trusts him, adores him, and knows that he won’t lie to her.

Jake’s communication style can be applied to all of our lives and all communications. Speaking to inform promotes respect, honesty, trust, and a safe, non-toxic environment.