Thinking out Loud- The Nostalgic Trip
By: Samidha Bajpai
Tags: Nostalgia, Childhood Memories, Life, Childhood, Growing Up

On 14th November, my mind was flooded with all my childhood memories. The posts and pictures on social media sent me on a nostalgic trip to that extraordinary time.

When we were kids, do you remember how easy it was to dream?

Everything was so easy.

I mean I was not scared to trust anyone. I was not mentally preparing myself for the possibility of getting hurt. Even when I was hurt, I would not feel uncomfortable to feel the burn to its full extent and with time, I would be able to smile from the heart. May be the reason for my happiness was that I was selfish. I used to what I had to do to make myself happy without any fear or any guilt. I also helped people around me because it made me happy. I don’t know if it can be called selfishness or carefreeness!

I could not do much but it never stopped me from playing my part.

I knew few words but I always expressed what I felt. Well, even now I don’t have any problem with that. The only difference is that I have learned the ways to make my thoughts and opinions edible for some picky eaters. It took me long to realise that people want to hear what they want to hear. They read what they want to read no matter what you have written and then they fight with you over their interpretation. I try not to be one of them. I fail a lot but I try to chew on multiple interpretations. Trust me, it’s difficult. It’s like looking at yourself from someone else’s eyes. You never exactly know what they see. You can just imagine and again, you have to depend on your perception of that person. Huh! May be there’s no way out of the circles of perception and biases that we have drawn around ourselves.

As kids, we were free of these circles. That’s the luxury we can’t afford anymore.

The best part for me was that I didn’t think much. My priorities were set. As far as I was not hungry or sleepy, I would be busy in my imaginary world. I used to build homes out of chairs and tables and conduct classes to teach my dolls and teddy bears. I drew a lot of pictures. I even tried to write stories which made no sense whatsoever. I loved to play computer games and ride my cycle. That cycle was my first real possession. It was my brother’s cycle. I had my eyes on it for long and I still get the same ecstatic feeling when I think about the day when I finally got it. That cycle is still there in our old house. I don’t want to sell it just like how I don’t want to get rid of my precious diary.

I had procured (more like stole it from my father) a fancy diary to record my observations in it. One time my parents found my diary and it was very embarrassing when my mother asked me what I meant by “avalanche of feelings.” I think I was ten or eleven when I wrote that over a pencil or something that I had misplaced. I was upset and I had to record the state of my mind in the most appropriate manner. And yeah, I know what you are thinking. I have always loved using big words to talk about my feelings.

One thing that really scared me was darkness. I am still getting used to it but apart from that compared to the list of things that worry me now, I was a fearless kid. May be someday I can be a fearless woman. I feel like there’s so much that I can learn from the young girl that I used to be. I still feel like her at times and it’s liberating. May be some part of my brain has decided not to go along with the whole ‘growing up’ plan to help me peacefully sleep at night and dream.