Memories of my Days in the Sun
By: Krishen Samuel
Tags: Health, Chronic Illness, Lifestyle, LGBTQ, HIV

Memories of my Days in the Sun

A gay man’s account of coming to terms with an HIV diagnosis

Photo by Thomas Bennie on Unsplash

18th June 2009. On that fateful night nine years ago, I found out that I had been infected with HIV.

In the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical Cats, the central character, Grizabella, is shunned and ostracized by the other cats. They are repulsed by her appearance and refuse to touch her or come near her. In her emotionally-charged moment of redemption, she sings these famous lines from the signature ballad from the musical, Memory…

Touch me!

It’s so easy to leave me

All alone with the memory

Of my days in the sun…

If you touch me, you’ll understand what happiness is

After living with HIV for the past nine years, I can relate to Grizabella’s feelings of being cast aside and stigmatized. HIV/AIDS has been one of the most stigmatized diseases of all time. Those infected have had to deal not only with the physical consequences of contracting the virus but also with being pariahs shunned to the very edges of society.

Photo by Numendil on Unsplash

In the musical, Grizabella seeks out the acceptance of her fellow cats so that she can feel happiness again. There used to be a time when she was accepted and loved. But now, she can only think back on those long-gone days.

I can dream of the old days

Life was beautiful then

I remember the time I knew what happiness was

Let the memory live again

Before becoming infected with HIV, I had a sense of being carefree and a felt like I stood a chance of being accepted by a potential lover, the LGBTQ community, and broader society. I could enter a relationship without thinking about being rejected because of my status. However, all this changed once I received my diagnosis. I was carrying around this potentially fatal virus that I could possibly pass onto others. I needed to disclose my status.

I was a marked man.

Fear is a natural response to the unknown. I certainly feared contracting HIV for a long time before I actually contracted it. Thus, it was to be expected that HIV-negative individuals that I came into contact with would be fearful. But nothing really prepares you for being the one who is feared and loathed. This kind of fear was so different from fear associated with other conditions: HIV was seen as sinful, associated with promiscuous gay men who were being punished for their transgressions. And punishment would manifest in the most horrific manner — a descent into death inflicted by numerous bodily indignities.

So not only was HIV/AIDS seen as an awful disease of the body, it was also seen as a pitiful and morally reprehensible way to die as a result of the way you lived.

Photo by Lester Salmins on Unsplash

Midnight not a sound from the pavement

Has the moon lost her memory?

She is smiling alone

In the lamplight, the withered leaves collect at my feet

And the wind begins to moan

When you’re diagnosed with HIV, there is a deep sense of loss. Loss piled up like withered leaves collecting at your feet — loss of dreams, the life you could have had, and the future that you must relinquish. You also need to understand that stigma and rejection will become your new companions voyaging with you into an unknown future.

There are many countries in the world that I cannot travel to based solely on my HIV status. There are also many places where HIV criminalization laws still exist. While these laws have not been shown to significantly decrease HIV transmission rates, they are still enforced and act to further stigmatize those living with HIV.

Photo by Martin Brechtl on Unsplash

But just as Grizabella receives a chance to be reborn and to be accepted by the other cats, I have also been given a second chance. Medical advances in the field of HIV have been nothing short of phenomenal. What was once a deadly virus that almost always ended in AIDS is now a manageable, chronic condition. Antiretroviral treatment suppresses the virus so that it is no longer detectable in the bloodstream. This means that the immune system is given a chance to strengthen itself and HIV does not lead to AIDS if you’re on successful treatment.

It also has another very important benefit: those on successful treatment cannot pass the virus onto others, even in the absence of condom use.

This finding has made a huge difference to those living with HIV with undetectable viral loads. Not only has it alleviated some guilt around sex, it has also opened up the door to a decrease in discrimination and stigma. It means that we can be touched again, and we can understand what happiness is. This is a huge step forward and ushers in a new era in the fight against new HIV infections.

Daylight

I must wait for the sunrise

I must think of a new life

And I mustn’t give in

When the dawn comes, tonight will be a memory too

And a new day will begin

Photo by JOHN TOWNER on Unsplash

A new day has certainly begun for me. I am able to speak openly about living with HIV and I have started to shrug off some of the stigma. I am incredibly healthy and I have managed to find people who accept me despite my diagnosis. My new life is certainly different from my old one: I am more grateful, compassionate and alive than I have ever been.

That night from nine years ago is now indeed a memory too.