Self-Help Doesn’t Work Because It Focuses on the Wrong Questions
By: Jason Mcbride
Tags: Happiness, Family, Comics, Self Help, Self Improvement

When we actively seek out happiness, we fail. Happiness doesn’t come from the pursuit of wealth, health, or influence. The only way to find joy is to stop focusing so much on ourselves and our search and to live life.

Between the pressures of work and the constant social media doom scrolling, you don’t need to be reminded that you will die. You need to remember how to live.

What does it mean to live? To borrow a phrase from the insightful Marie Kondo, it means doing the things that spark joy. It also means learning to find joy in the things you have to do.

Does money spark joy? The data shows that money only buys you happiness up to a point. This is the place many people get lost. We want to horde money because it is useful for buying things like food, shelter, and security. We need those things to be happy. But we are poor judges of when we have enough. Some part of our brains always wants more money, and then we start spending on status symbols.

How do we get more money? We trade little bits of our lives for it.

You work extra hours at the office, or you start another side hustle. You want a little bit more money. You know that if you could make six-figures, you would be happy.

But your time is limited. When you trade your time away to your boss or your business, you are shrinking the amount of life you have to enjoy.

Does your work spark joy? Does making more money make you happier than walking in the park with your family?

Self-help doesn’t work because it draws our attention inside of ourselves when the greatest sources of happiness are outside of ourselves.

The greatest sources of joy are creativity, friends, family, and community. Each of these things requires us to put our focus outside of ourselves. When you create something, whether it be music, art, crafts, food, or anything else, you tap into a powerful place that is otherwise inaccessible.

But the true magic happens when you share your creativity. When you use your skills and love to make someone else’s day a little brighter, you feel happier.

You also feel happy when you are with the people you love. Think about how you feel when you hug the people you love. Remember how happy you were the last time your child, partner, or parent received good news. The bonds that bind us also spark joy. There is no to-do list or side hustle that can generate the same positive vibes as playing in the yard with your children and a new puppy.

Joy can also be found beyond our inner circle of friends and family. Happiness comes from serving your community. When you give of your time and resources to someone else, without expectation of reward, you will find happiness waiting for you.

When it comes to service, the key is giving of your time. Cutting a check may be important, but tax-deductible charity will not provide you the same happiness return as spending time directly with people in your community.

This doesn’t mean that you should never look inside of yourself. Living a happy life is like driving a car. You need to glance inside at the dashboard from time-to-time. It’s helpful to monitor your speed, to see how much fuel you have left, and to watch for any warning lights. However, if you spend more time looking inside at the dashboard than you do looking out through your car’s windshield, you’re going to crash.

Memento Vitae

When you start each day by asking, “How can I live today?” you will begin to see everything shift in your life. That doesn’t mean it’s a magic incantation. You still have to make changes in the way you live. You have to decide to prioritize things that spark joy. There is nothing more frightening than standing at a decision point and choosing to do something that sparks joy instead of something more conventional that your people will understand.

After years of being a freelance writer, my people still shake their heads at my decision. They also acknowledge that I am happier and more pleasant to be around than I was before. I have also made a conscious decision not to maximize my income.

I forego a lot of money-making opportunities because I have enough. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to grow my business. I am not opposed to earning more money. But I have chosen to stop chasing it. I am chasing experiences that make me feel alive. If more money comes my way while I’m living life so much the better.

But, I’m also content with where I’m at.

Often, I still chase things that don’t matter. That’s when I turn to my memento vitae.

It’s a chestnut half that my daughter found on the ground while we walked down the hill from school five years ago. She was eight years old and having a hard time adjusting to a new school. She picked it up off the ground and gave it to me.

“Look!” she said. “It has a heart inside! It’s like a Valentine. I want you to keep it, Daddy.”

This chestnut half sits on my desk just below my monitor. When I look at it, I remember my daughter’s love and enthusiasm. I recognize the importance of looking around at my surroundings because you never know what treasures you may find. And, I remember that there is more to life than work, side hustles, and to-do lists.

The chestnut half with the heart in the middle reminds me to live life.

In the end, living our lives and helping others is the only way to find the joy that eludes our most dogged pursuits.

The next time you feel like something is missing in your life, ask yourself, “How can I live today?”

Then go and do those things.