5 Lies About Bisexuality
By: Nicole Lee
Tags: LGBTQ, Queer, Bisexual, Biphobia, Pride

5 Lies About Bisexuality

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

I didn’t know I was bi until I was 19. Until then, I thought whenever I liked a girl, it was just something called a “girl crush”. In 4th grade, a boy called me a lesbian for holding hands with a girl, and I didn’t know what the label meant, but it sounded like an insult, so I let go. And I tried to fit into a space where I didn’t belong for a while.

These days, I love being bi, but my sexuality is the part of my identity that simultaneously feels most invisible and most criticized. If you’re unaware of the stereotypes, biases and struggles that members of the bi+ community experience, you may be inadvertently contributing to them with your own comments and assumptions. So let’s break down five lies about bisexuality.

#1 We’re indecisive

Bi people have a reputation for being greedy or indecisive, but a bi person’s sexuality does not change to straight or gay (or anything else) based upon the gender of their partner; even when they are in a long-term monogamous relationship.

Bisexuality means being attracted to multiple genders. For some of us, gender plays a role in the attraction. Others use this interchangeably with pansexual (attraction regardless of gender) or queer. Regardless, being bi+ means we are attracted to some people, and we know who we are/not attracted to, the same way you’re likely not attracted to every man or woman on the planet. And while it’s true that some people identify as bi before identifying as gay, that doesn’t make being bi any less valid. People are allowed to change their labels, but being bi is a complete, whole and valid identity.

#2 We’re imposters

I’ve never been straight, but I often feel guilty for aligning myself with straight privilege by having a male partner. Being a cisgender femme in a straight presenting relationship means when we travel, I don’t have to consider if it’s safe to show affection or if our marriage will be legally recognized, no one has ever changed their mind about renting to us after realizing that we’re a couple, and I don’t worry about our relationship being shamed or sexualized or questioned.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

These are basic things we all deserve. While I am generally less at risk for being harassed by other men when I am in public with my male partner, that’s not privilege; that’s patriarchy.

While I’m thankful to live in a place where bisexuality is legal and celebrated, it is still illegal to exist as a bisexual human in many, many countries. To be clear, White privilege exists. Straight privilege exists. Male privilege exists. Bisexual privilege does not exist.

#3 Bisexuality is Transphobic

Even at PRIDE and in queer spaces where I generally feel safe openly identifying as bi, I’ve been dismissed as an ally based on my relationship status and I’ve had to defend why identifying as bi+ is trans inclusive. Bisexuality is not binary.

Bisexuality is historically trans-inclusive. Some people, myself included, define bisexuality as attraction to more than one gender. Some people may say bisexuality means being attracted to “men and women,” the same way that straight people and gay people may say they are only attracted to “men” or only attracted to “women” without including trans people in that description. They may be excluding trans and non-binary in that statement, but if so, that has nothing to do with being bisexual, that’s just transphobic.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

#4 All Women are a little bi

One of the most common responses I get when I come out to a friend is that “all women are a little bi” and this is further perpetuated by the “girl crush” concept, but it’s absolutely not true. Upon learning that I’m bi, I’ve had straight identifying female friends gush about a threesome they had in college or one time when they kissed a girl. Do those things make you bisexual? Maybe! But not necessarily. I think people do this to show that they’re comfortable with the bi+ label, but what it actually does is contribute to bi-erasure by invalidating my own experience. You don’t have to have sexual experiences to know that you are bi or straight or gay. And doing so doesn’t define your sexuality.

The “all women are a little bi” comment also contributes to the idea that women are often bi, but men are not, which is incorrect and damaging. I’ve been so thankful to see male bi representation in the media over the past few years — I wish these characters had existed when I was nineteen and trying to figure out my sexuality — but there’s still a stigma that suggests being bi is an acceptable identity for women but not for men and that has got to change.

Photo by Hossein Rivandi on Unsplash

#5 Bi people are polyamorous

This one is really simple. Some bi people have multiple partners, some are monogamous. Some straight people have multiple partners, some are monogamous. In my experience, being openly bi invites a lot of unwelcome attention. I’ve dated straight men who have only been interested in the possibility of a threesome with another woman. In LGBTQ spaces, I’ve been told that being attracted to men is my worst quality. I’ve been called selfish and greedy and non-committal, even while in a long-term monogamous relationship. It’s hurtful and annoying.

Basically, I hate cis-heteronormative culture and the fact that bisexuality continues to be invalidated and stigmatized, but I have immense gratitude for all the LGBTQIA+ friends and mentors who helped me feel secure in this identity just by being their authentic selves. Try to notice ways that you may unintentionally contribute to bi-erasure, such as assuming someone’s sexuality based on their romantic partner. And, when people in your life open up about any vulnerable part of their identity, aim to match their energy and do your part to make them feel valid and visible and supported and worthy of love, acceptance, and solidarity.