What Else Can Go Wrong?
By: Jonica Bradley
Tags: Self, Humor, Life, Short Story, This Happened To Me

What Else Can Go Wrong?

One of those days when nothing goes right (humor)

Photo by Nik MacMillan on Unsplash

Ever have one of those days when nothing seems to go right and everything is harder than it needs to be?

I’m having one today.

My day started in the dark at 5:30 a.m. My alarm goes off this early because I have to take a pill on an empty stomach one half-hour before putting anything in my stomach. Anything like coffee.

When she prescribed this medication, my doctor advised me to take it at bedtime. “Have you met me?” I asked.

She knows, everybody knows, I graze all day. My stomach is never empty. My bedtime ritual involves reading and a snack. Usually, hot chocolate and a pickle. Don’t ask.

So, my alarm goes off this morning at 5:30 and my hand blindly searches for the pill bottle on the nightstand. Blindly, because, of course, it is dark but also because my eyes are always glued shut in the morning. Allergies, don’t you know.

I finally find the pill bottle and try to open it. It doesn't work. It doesn’t open. I’m getting desperate because this is taking too long. I’m supposed to take the pill and go back to sleep until 6:00 so I can have coffee as soon as I wake up. Nobody wants me to delay coffee.

As my fumbles grow more frantic, I realize that the pill bottle is upside down! No wonder it won’t open. I’m trying to open the wrong end!

By the time I fish out the tiny pill and swallow it down, I can’t go back to sleep. I try, but it just isn’t happening.

With eyes still glued shut, which doesn’t bother me since it is pitch black in here, I get out of bed and stumble over to grab my robe.

My robe hangs on a hook set into the wall between my side of the closet and my husband’s. He put the hook there specifically for my bathrobe, so I could easily find it in the dark.

I can’t find my robe! It isn’t on the hook.

Dammit, Barney!

Barney is my cat. (Her name is Barney because she is supposed to be a barn cat.) She is the most beautiful calico you’ve ever seen. She is also a thief.

I might be biased but Barney really is beautiful. Photo by Jonica Bradley

She steals pens, hair ties, lip gloss, my fit bit (which still hasn’t been found three years later), socks, and giant California sized lemons. I’m not talking about tiny little Meyer lemons. I’m talking lemons the size of grapefruit.

Barney gets blamed when anything in our house disappears or is misplaced.

Here she is trying to steal a pen after she stole my peanut butter cup (look behind her head). Photo by Jonica Bradley

Here she is trying to look innocent while attempting to steal plastic wrapped, tie dyed t-shirts. Photo by Jonica Bradley

My missing robe really was her fault. It wasn’t the first time she got her claws into something hanging and pulled it down. Coats on coat hooks, curtains, dish towels, my bathrobe.

I know this damn cat dumped my robe on the floor, I just don’t know where on the floor. My eyes are still glued shut and it is still dark. I peel open one eye. It doesn’t help. Too dark. Did I mention my bathrobe is black? I bend over to feel around on the floor. After bumping my head on the wall -twice- I find and pick up my robe.

I try to put it on, but I can’t. I think this robe is broken. My arm won’t go all the way in the sleeve and I can’t find the other sleeve at all. I start making little whiny squeaky grunting sounds. It is freezing in here.

I start to throw the vile, broken thing onto the ground when I discover I have been holding it upside down. I had been trying to use a pocket as an armhole.

I get this sorted and decide I’d better have light to get dressed. We have two ways to turn on the light in the bedroom. A switch on the wall, and a chain under the ceiling fan/light fixture.

I flip the switch. Nothing. I have to find and pull the chain. I manage to find the chain after swirling my hand in circles above my head forever. I give it a pull and quickly have to yank on it three more times. I had turned on the fan. I didn’t need it any colder in here!

I find the other chain and tug.

Let there be light! I check the time thinking I could probably have my coffee now.

It had been 7 minutes.

Might as well kill some time and get dressed.

Socks, panties, and leggings are easy to put on while staying warm under my robe. Bra, undershirt, long sleeves and over-shirt, not so much. It is freezing in here. It’s got to be minus 50 degrees outside (it was +31f). So I hurry.

Shivering, I yank my sports bra over my head and shove my arms into the shoulder straps. The bra rolls up into a kielbasa under my armpits. It takes another forever to get the sausage roll bra unrolled and over my boobs. Something is wrong! Each boob is hanging out the sides of a thin strip of material between them.

I had put the bra on backwards.

Boy, I really need coffee at this point.

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

As soon as I finished my first cup of coffee (yes after waiting the interminable 30 minutes) it is time to take my kid to school.

I normally wear my waist-length hair up, but when it is freezing cold, I wear it down. It keeps my neck warm.

I am wearing my hair down today.

After grabbing money to deposit in the bank, and a tie-dye t-shirt to get in the mail, I put on my husband’s old army coat. As soon as I get my left arm in the sleeve I feel a searing pain on the same side of my head. Somehow, I’ve managed to get my hair caught inside the sleeve.

I take my kid to school without incident.

Arriving at the bank, I realize it is closed. Whether this is because it is veterans day or because it isn’t yet 8:00 a.m. I don’t know.

I don’t care.

I drive home and crawl back into bed.

And here I am.

Waiting.

Wondering.

Worrying.

What else can go wrong?