How to Spot a Genuine Asshole
By: Jean-François Marmion
Tags: Relationships, Assholes, Psychology, Society, Book Excerpts

Jean-Francois Marmion: Let’s start with the basics. What, exactly, is an asshole?

Aaron James: An asshole is a man, or more rarely a woman, who accords himself special advantages in his social life and feels immune from reproach. He’s the guy who cuts in line at the post office, granting himself a privilege that’s normally reserved for pregnant women and emergencies. In the moment, he has no justification beyond feeling that he’s rich, handsome, or smarter than everyone else, so his time is more valuable than theirs. If you ask him to stand in line like everyone else, either he won’t listen, or he’ll tell you to get lost. It’s not that he despises other people; rather, it’s that he doesn’t think they deserve his attention. The moment that you don’t understand how extraordinary he is, he decides you’re unworthy of his interest.

It’s important to clarify, though, that there is a difference between someone acting like an asshole and a person who is an asshole.

That seems like a tough distinction to make. How can you know for sure?

Most people behave like an asshole from time to time, particularly if they’re going through a rough patch or having a bad week. But for me, the mark of the bona fide asshole — the true asshole — is that he’s consistent. An asshole will reliably be an asshole in multiple arenas of his lives, but not in all of them. For example, he might be an asshole at work and on the road, but not at home, or the other way around. The all-purpose asshole, who’s an asshole whatever the context, is rare. Most assholes will need to turn off their asshole behavior, at least under some circumstances, to get what they want.

Being an asshole ultimately comes down to a person’s social behavior. But the internal tripwire is a failure to show interest in others. Assholes think it’s up to everyone else to adjust to them, no matter what the situation. And often, the people in their lives will humor them.

The asshole’s behavior is often fostered by their social dynamic, but the primary cause is a sense of entitlement that’s personal and deeply rooted, and difficult to dislodge. As a general rule, privileged people have a much greater risk of becoming eminent assholes. Financial prosperity, conventional good looks, and intelligence are all qualities that make it easier to admire yourself and to attract the good opinion of others.

The broader culture, subculture, and social sphere also play a significant role in creating assholes. The asshole’s patterns of behavior are shaped by circumstances that reward their single-minded pursuit of power and sense of superiority. In a culture where individualism prevails, the ratio of assholes to non-assholes will be higher than in civic-minded societies where assholery is more easily suppressed or frowned upon. The United States, for instance, is culturally favorable for assholes to thrive.

Donald Trump is a supreme asshole, an überasshole, if you like. I mean by that, that he’s an asshole who inspires respect and admiration for his mastery of the art of assholery, despite heavy competition from his peers. Assholes generally have to fight for the title of “asshole in chief” or “baron” of assholes, but few can match Trump’s prowess at piling assholery upon assholery (Kim Jong-un, in North Korea, being a notable exception). Those who manage it for a time, like Chris Christie, the former governor of New Jersey, often end up becoming more docile.

What’s the best approach for dealing with a true asshole? Can you convince them to reconsider their assholish ways?

An asshole might be capable of change, but it’s better to avoid assholes altogether. Of course, sometimes that isn’t possible. Sometimes, for example, an asshole will be kept on in an organization because he brings in money or prestige. In those kinds of situations, it’s imperative that you join forces as a united front against the asshole, because it’s by dividing people against each other that assholes accomplish their goals. This is much easier in small groups than in a political context. But there’s a lot society can do to reduce the number of assholes, even though it’s hard, because they have a knack of blocking our path.

Then there’s the matter of dealing with an asshole within your family, which is both banal and very delicate. He needs to feel he’s smarter than other people and to take them on, one against all, with no apologies, even in the thick of everyday interactions. As a result, the quality of assholes’ relationships is abominable. Sometimes the best course of action is to isolate the asshole or reduce contact with him to preserve your mental health.

Is there a silver lining here? At the very least, can they make the rest of us feel better about ourselves for choosing the high road?

I’m sometimes asked if it’s possible to feel grateful for assholes, given that they remind us of our comparative virtues. My view is that, even if you learn to get along with an asshole, I don’t think it’s possible to feel gratitude for them, unless they end up recognizing your value as a human being. You can always congratulate yourself on understanding them and handling them better, but they cause too many frustrations and problems for too many people to tip the scales toward a favorable light.

I’m also asked whether we’re secretly jealous of assholes. To this, I respond that you can feel impotent, frustrated, and indignant when you’re confronted with someone who repulses you. “How can a person be that way?” you might ask yourself. But emulation doesn’t enter into it.

That said, when assholes succeed, it’s possible to feel jealousy: “That’s how you get famous, by acting like an asshole? I could have done that! But he thought of it first, and he was quicker about it.” If you’re a bit of an asshole yourself, you can appreciate the technique of a connoisseur.