How Many Sexual Partners Are Too Much, Just Right, or Not Enough?
By: Shannon Ashley
Tags: Relationships, Sex, Dating, Religion, Life Lessons

It comes up. Inevitably when you’re dating someone new, or when you are chatting with gal pals or whatever you call those friends, a lot of people want to know if they’re adequate, average, or what. Have they had too many partners or too few?

It’s a number that a lot of people get hung up on. My LGBT+ friends will have to chime in about any stigma when it comes to doing their math. But in heterosexual dating, guys are more likely to wear their numbers like a badge of honor. Some might even fluff ’em up. Women, on the other hand, may be more likely to whittle down their numbers for fear of appearing… overeager.

“Overeager in bed” means different things for men and women. Different kinds of stigma. One means trying too hard, while the other means something’s potentially wrong with you. Of course, it can also mean “slut,” a slur that far too many people love to hurl at any woman.

If you grew up like me with lots of guilt regarding sex and religion, the numbers game can be especially disturbing. The way we’re taught to approach sex means we don’t like to think about the fact that the person we’re currently dating had any kind of sexual life before us.

But they did. Usually.

And we have a past too. We’ve all got some type of baggage or hangups whether or not we were even having sex before our current person. We may have loved someone else last year or many moons ago.

It’s all just experience, and what matters most is what we’ve learned. If we’ve learned anything at all. Because the real red flags to watch out for aren’t in people with too little sexual experience. It’s in those people who get into relationships and learn absolutely nothing.

Those are the people who just keep repeating the same damn mistakes in every single relationship. And those kinds of people are dangerous, regardless of their number.

I think my number is 7. But that includes a couple of relationships from my awkward, vaginismus years. If I take them out, it’s more like 5. If I include other relationships that had any element of sex without actual intercourse, then it’s more like 11.

However I do the math, somebody won’t like it. Some readers are going to be offended that I dare write about sex since I’m not experienced enough. They’ll have to leave me a note about the number that will make my writing about sex “more appropriate.”

Of course, in the Christian world of my past, my number is way too many no matter how I slice it.

To me, it only matters how I look at it. And what I’ve learned. With at least 2 of the 5, or 3 of the 7, I felt pressured in ways I wouldn’t ever allow today. But being more experienced and better educated today makes all the difference. To me.

Over these past couple of years, I’ve learned enough to talk about sex without dying from embarrassment. Most of the time. I’m not lost in confusion anymore. And I don’t let myself get pushed around like I did in the past. Plus, I understand how greatly preferences vary. I even understand how sex can encourage feelings to grow for someone you weren’t that attracted to in the beginning.

#ThingsTheyDon’tTeachYouAtChurch

Happily, I’ve learned a lot about what I need as a demisexual and individual in my own sex life. Despite my rigid upbringing. I’ve discovered which kinks are and are not up my alley.

I dated one guy who preferred anal sex and I discovered that for me… it’s a hard pass. But some people talk about it like a girl isn’t selfless enough in bed if she isn’t into anal sex. Like she’s not open-minded.

Over the years I’ve found out that I’m a lot more open-minded than most people. But I also know what I like and don’t like because I’ve been open minded enough to try things out. And do my research.

Research, of course, that most people in the church will tell you is wrong. But coming out of the church, there’s a whole lot to be said for learning about sexual compatibility. Or you could wind up stuck with a partner who won’t even consider your preferences.

Through experience I’ve learned that some people are seriously set in their ways about sex. That’s how one ex, Mr. INTJ was. But INTJs are pretty much the old men of MBTI and this one wasn’t particularly mature for his age. Cough, 42. Which meant he had all the rigid behavior of an old man but couldn’t compromise much for the needs of others. Like me, his girlfriend.

We were not sexually compatible. We enjoyed our time together outside of the bedroom, but were into different things in bed. It’s not like I don’t have my own kinks, but his were nearly in direct violation of mine. He enjoyed talking about getting me pregnant. During sex. Nope. Nope.

Not my thing.

Just… no.

I like listening to music in bed, but I only know that because I’ve experimented. And some guys don’t like any music! Or some don’t like mine. Mr. INTJ didn’t like music with lyrics, which is mostly what I prefer. Hint: one of my favorite songs for sex is Simple Math. Perfect, right?

Despite my many years of inexperience, I’ve dated a few people who say I put too much of an emphasis on sex in a relationship. But I’d say those are also the people who don’t like to talk openly about sex.

The truth is, sex is a very important aspect to me. But keep in mind, I know what it’s like to believe sex is bad and evil. It’s not like I’m making up for lost time, but I do take sexual expression and freedom very seriously after leaving that shame and guilt behind me.

Besides, physical touch is one of my love languages.

Still, I can’t just do it with anyone. The demisexual in me isn’t DTF.

And that’s okay. I am alright with being out of place among Christians and secularists.

I know I don’t exactly fit into this whole made-to-order dating app world since I need to sense a deep connection first. The numbers are just a piece of my story, but they don’t give the big picture. For a long time, having sex was about gaining experience and shedding my shame.

Today, it’s all about the relationship and depth of connection.

The point here is simple. You don’t have to get hung up on what your partner’s numbers might mean. Instead, you could talk to them about what they do and don’t mean, and how the meaning has changed over time.

In the end, it’s just like the song says: Simple math, it’s how our bodies even got here.