Unspoken Gratitude (yet): Ira
By: Bp Noeringtyas
Tags: Words, Gratitude, Feelings, Love, Mindfulness

Unspoken Gratitude (yet): Ira

Since I came back from Jatinangor in the very beginning of 2020, I have been learning about Gratitude. I was told by my friend about the necessity of it. “Perhaps, that person needs it, Bil. So, release it by saying it. It also will help you to redeem your feelings”. And I started to text and even call my circle or even strangers who my gratitude belongs to. It also evoked my memories when I sat near the canteen in my junior level school, waiting for the next section of the national exam.

As far as I remember, a girl reached me out with a small biology dictionary on her hand. Taught me as much as she could and both of us knew, perhaps that small help would not affect my understanding of the examined subject in less than an hour. As a result, my grades are low, including Biology. Yet, it affected my feelings, at least until now.

Too few of my friends who had heard my story about it always tell that the story is about a girl with a candle helping a boy in the deep dark tunnel. I lost three years since I entered the school. I was an ordinary boy with musical training embedded since I was kid. Bullying had been hit me since the elementary level even after I joined the junior level of school. I was training to cry and risk aversion-ing all the time. I hated communities. I hated the developmental skills program which included other people. I was fragile and at the same time, unsafe. Until, a person that as far as I knew touched myself and my feelings.

At first, I thought it was love. I followed all of her endeavors and prayed for her success with wholeheartedly that someday we would meet in a better condition. The funniest thing is, we had not been establishing any communications since we graduated from the junior level. Her social media has not existed. I have just found her research in her undergrad and when she decided to continue her master in Biology. I got her cousin as my close friend in my undergrad. I was trying to connect with her, but I did not get the courage.

I have been evaluating it until today, then I figured out that it is not love. Perhaps, it was just a grateful feeling that came from a desperate person who had helped and you no intention to offer a continuous relationship. I was and am childish all the time.

Now, I have not been able to reach you physically and virtually, let me say thank you for your help on that day. I thank all of your encouragement before, during, and after the exam days. And through this short, I imply my gratitude for your presence in one of my life scenes. I also feel sorry to have not met you in person recently for saying these words. I believe in words, it heals you when you wound, if the words contain sincerity. And I hope mine landed in you thoroughly.

I wish the best for your success, your life, your plans, and your everything. I hope you can still strive for another bad day. In the room of doubt people on your attempts, I always on your side to cherish you, just contact me. I wish for your happiness and health.

Thank you, Ira. I release my feelings on you as gratitude.