List: Continuing Training Courses For NYC Taxi Drivers
By: Brent Goldman
Tags: New York, Humor, Comedy

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1. Red Lights Are Optional

Prerequisites: Feigning Colorblindness and Yellow Means “Speed Up.”

Why should everyone else’s safety and traffic laws stop you from earning more? In this class, you will learn the concepts of ignoring the fundamentals of traffic lights and common decency with strategies on how to do so in practice.

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2. Refusing to Go To Brooklyn Or Queens

Prerequisites: Bridges and Tunnels — A Last Resort, Staten Island Doesn’t Exist

Building on the dangers of leaving the island of Manhattan from the previous class, this five week course focuses on real world ways to turn down a passenger who just wants to drunkenly make it home at 3AM. Because why should their safety matter to you? You’re not getting a fare back to the city.

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3. Intro To Honking

For drivers in their first six months. Learn the ins and outs of ignoring the “No Honking. $350 Penalty Signs” as well as the ideal times to lay on the horn (typically between 1AM and 5AM, or while driving by someone on the phone). We’ll analyze different kinds of honks from the “Hot Girl Alert” to the “That Wall Better Move Out Of My Way.”

Note: Horns will not be provided but may be purchased for $200 or rented for $50/day.

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4. Making Girls Traveling Alone Feel Uncomfortable

Prerequisite: Refusing to Pick Up Men, Old People and Black People

So, you drove by all the people who you can’t hit on and have a cute girl in the back seat — now what? Improve your skills in attempting to bring home this lady. Topics include: Asking which apartment she lives in when you drop her off, pulling over in a sketchy neighborhood and joining her in the backseat, telling her you have another kind of tip you’d rather give her.

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5. Spying On Couples In The Backseat

Prerequisite: Making Girls Traveling Alone Feel Uncomfortable

You’re right, it is ridiculous that watching porn on your cell phone is against the law. Who makes these laws anyways? Turns out, you’re in luck. The wasted couple you just picked up is ready to get their freak on in your backseat. As such, it’s your right, nay, your duty to sneak glances back in the rearview mirror and looks as you pretend to need to change lanes. She’s pretty cute. Good thing you have a photographic memory. Learn the tips and tricks to not get caught.

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6. Pretending Your Credit Card Machine Is Broken

Prerequisite: Taxes, What’s The Point?

In the intro level course, we learned that you weren’t born here, so why should you pay taxes? You shouldn’t. That’s why. Building on the high level concepts learned there, this class features practical advice for pretending the credit card machine doesn’t work, but only after you’ve arrived at your destination. Practice with real New Yorkers and for extra credit you can learn to give incorrect change.

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7. Lane Lines Mean Nothing and Sidewalks Are Open Lanes

Prerequisite: Never Stay In One Lane

Public safety is none of your concern — the only thing you need to worry about is getting more fares. Learn to straddle the lane line, the art of constantly weaving while avoiding motion sickness and lose any respect for human life. If you’re not driving on the sidewalk, you’re sitting in traffic and losing money.

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8. Cleaning Up Vomit

Prerequisite: Things That Aren’t Your Job

Note: Course title may be deceptive. Rather than learn to clean up someone’s puke that may be a result of a few drinks or your expert NYC taxi driving skills, learn the lost art of not giving a fuck. Once the next fare in the cab and the meter is on, it’s too late.

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9. Uber

Topics include: Sideswiping their cars, talking shit about them to your customers, and how to use it to get home when your car breaks down because being a passenger in NYC taxis is the most terrifying thing on earth.

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