Things I Wish I Gotten From My Father…
By: Kimar Cain
Tags: Life, Father And Son, Life Lessons, Fatherhood, Love

The older I get the less resentment I have towards my parents. Unfortunately, due to COVID-19, I lost my father in April of 2020. It took his death for me to understand that he too was a man in search of light to fill the darkness he felt inside. My parents split when I was very young. They were only together for about 2 years. My mother, a white collar working Woman who was able to makes ways for me in her singleness that I have yet to understand at the age of 30. My father who is an Army vet later turned white collar also — a man who has had failed marriages and relationships with the only success being the children whom he shares his DNA with. My mother who was 34 going on 35 in 1990 and my father who had just to turned 31 in May of the same year. Here I come bursting into the world on June 9th. Now, keep in mind, I’m 30 years old. My father has his second son at the age of 31. One brother and two sisters before me and he has had two failed marriages (as far as I know). As I think about that and where I am in my own life in this current time, I tend to be more understanding of a lot of things.

I’m still quite young with a lot of things to learn in this thing called life. While getting older I am becoming more in tune with myself. I don’t know everything I’m still not quite where I want to be in life in terms of my career, relationships, finances, etc etc..

The list can go on.. The point is, my pops, although a father was indeed a young man still figuring out his way — just like me.

Same with my Mother. I am understanding that she too is her own Woman. She was a Woman before she was a Mother and a child before that; a daughter and a first generation college student. She has had to overcome and battle through various things within her own life that has shaped and molded her ideologies and perspectives today. Does she play the blame game in regards to her mishaps, mistakes, successes etc.? I’m not sure, I haven’t had the pleasure of engaging in that particular dialogue as of yet. But, what I do know is although she’s had some great times, she also hasn’t fulfilled some of her own dreams. Why is that? Maybe because she had my eldest sister at the tender age of 20? Maybe because she had to grow up fast, pivot and make money to care and provide for a life she brought into this world? In my opinion, she became a Mother before fully becoming a Woman and knowing herself — like most Women.

May God bless those who rest… My father.. A man of mystery, if you will… He became a father at 20 as well. Quite frankly, there’s a lot I don’t know about my old man. He didn’t share a lot — at least not with me. He shared about some experiences when he was in the army. He shared his reasoning of going to the army — declaring that he was not a fan of college which led to the decision of him choosing to skip undergraduate studies to pursue his endeavors within the military. He took great pride in that. He watched a lot of old western shows that he grew up on. He had a childlike spirit. He enjoyed laughing and making those around him laugh. He is the very reason I drink my coffee black with no cream and no sugar. If he did have a sweetener, he would add honey. He told me, verbatim, “honey in your coffee keep your d*** hard”. Quite frankly, I’ve never had a problem in that department so I don’t know if that’s a myth or if there’s some truth to that. But, nonetheless, I did it because my father did it.

Every young man has had the desire to impress his father and to make him proud. Besides having half of his DNA, it’s important to young men to show their pops their enhanced ability that they’ve crafted from the ability that was passed down genetically. One of my greatest regrets was that I did not play organized sports while in school. My reasoning behind it was because I feared that my father would not make it to any of my games. Where does that fear come from you might ask? Well, I remember my adolescent and toddler years where my father would make promises he couldn’t keep. He would tell me that he would pick me up on some weekends but when the weekends came he oftentimes wouldn’t show up. That discouraged me a great deal. So, when it came down to playing sports in school, I would flashback to those moments. I would sit on the couch with my luggage all day until my Mother would help me to snap out of the fact that he wasn’t coming and bathe so I could go to bed later in those evenings. Sad, upset, disappointed.

While growing older, I looked to my older cousins and mainly my Uncle Charlie to help mold me into a decent young man. I’ve always tucked away some of the wisdom that my uncle would share with me directly and indirectly. A lot of things I’ve learned from my own experiences. Some things I gathered while in college. I remember a time where I was at the barbershop and the barber mentioned to me about investing more and suits and less in jeans and sneakers. I didn’t understand it then and was opposed to it but now I understand. I have began to fill my closet with suits, slacks and other pieces for every occasion. There was another time when I was gung ho on an ex-girlfriend of mine and this was within the first year of our relationship. A couple of guys would share with me to not be so serious so young and to enjoy my young adulthood while I can. Although I don’t regret the relationship, I definitely understand where those gentlemen were coming from. I believe that it’s important for a young man to be marriage minded and to seek out a Woman of the same mind but to place the focus more so on the work that needs to be done. The more you work and pursue purpose, the closer you are to your life partner and spouse.

Those are some things I wished my father would’ve told me.

I remember coming home from school one weekend and I met with him and one of his buddies at my uncle’s house. We were chatting about various things and within that I posed the question, “Pops, what’s some of the best advice you’ve received in your lifetime?” Time went on and it seemed like forever. At first I thought he was in deep thought but I then realized that he didn’t have anything. His friend ended up sharing some advice he’s received but it wasn’t the same. I couldn’t understand why my Pops couldn’t think of anything and even thinking about it now I’m still perplexed. But, again, I’ve learned to be more understanding the older I got. All in all, I just wanted the father-son relationship that I seen on television and real life examples from friends and classmates who’s fathers were highly active in their lives. I would get jealous when I saw those relationships but it’s something I longed for. It was a bittersweet feeling.

I had come to the conclusion that Pops, although a father, didn’t quite know how to father or be a dad. The emotion wasn’t all the way there a lot of the times. He would avoid certain conversations with me when I would ask him about his relationship with my grandfather, his father. When I would challenge him on certain things he would ignore it. I believe it’s because he didn’t know how to approach it. Or, because he grew up to not be expressive or vulnerable. A lot of the things my father has taught me is the things to NOT do. When I had a fear of becoming a lot like him I began to act a bit more like him and once I recognized that I worked on becoming less fearful of it, to face it head on and to gain an understanding of it. The more I analyze and recognize the better I become, the more Love and appreciation I was able to show, and the less resentment I had.

I don’t want to paint the picture that my Pops horrible nor vilify him. I am simply sharing my experiences and what I longed for and how it has had an impact on my becoming a man.

What I will say he’s done is show me how to dream. He opened my eyes to luxury and the finer things. I remember him showing me his dream car and out of the same magazine he showed me I had found my dream car, which was a Rolls Royce Phantom Coupe with the suicide doors with peanut butter leather interior and cranberry red exterior. There was no ceiling with him. Even if no one else believed what he said he would achieve, he believed it. He showed me how to be free in my imagination and laughter. He would often say, “Kimar Cain.. MY son!” And THAT would make me feel like I’m on top of the world. It kinda let me know that he sees me. I would hold close to my heart when he would say he was proud of me. If I didn’t get anything else from my father, I gotten Love… even if it wasn’t how I envisioned it.

Even though, he’s resting now, I’m glad to know he’s no longer hurting. As the Bible declares, the body will return back to the dust and the spirit will return to God who gave it. I’m proud of him simply for BEING. I no longer have to seek him for answers. I no longer have to wonder how can we better improve our relationship. We are both free. I’m blessed enough to carry his name and legacy on my back. Even though he’ll never meet my future wife and kids, I hope to channel the better parts of him within my own life to place on my family that’ll make him proud and keep him alive. So, as far as the things I wish I gotten from my father?.. I think I’ve received enough — that’s life, Love and the possibility to keep both going for myself and my future family.

I Love you, Popa.