Taking things out of context at birthing class
By: Kimball Leavitt
Tags: Humor, Breastfeeding, Baby, Language

I’ve always been a fan of taking things people say out of context — intentionally. It’s kind of like a hobby. Context is really important when it comes to communicating, and usually, even if someone uses the wrong words, you still know what they mean because of the context. I’m got some good examples of this for you.

What I have below is a list of quotes taken from a birthing class my wife and I went to a while back. I took notes, and I never take notes. But these “notes” weren’t for any practical benefit — they were just funny things the nurse teaching the class said.

“You can get pregnant breastfeeding.”

I was surprised by this. I always thought breastfeeding was for keeping your baby alive. Apparently, it can also cause you to have more babies. Sounds like an endless cycle that can only be stopped by using bottles.

2. “Being constipated isn’t a bad thing unless you just had a baby.”

Isn’t being constipated always a bad thing? (I’m sure it’s much worse after giving birth.)

3. After affirming that nobody does the assigned reading in college: ”I probably shouldn’t tell you as your nurse that I didn’t either.”

Nope, you probably shouldn’t, but ya just did. I probably shouldn’t tell you as your patient that I’m on the lookout for a new nurse.

4. “As far as genitals go, as far as little boys go, they will have little scrotum sacs.”

“[S]crotum sacs.” I assume the nurse didn’t mean “scrotum sacks”, which could only be some type of shoulder bag made from animal scrota (yes, that is the plural form of scrotum, and yes, it’s a weird word).

5. “If you can get your baby to suck on a pacifier, that’s helpful.”

*Jaw gaping in astonishment* I’d say that’s probably the biggest understatement EVER.

6. “And then you get a clear mental picture of why some animals eat their young.”

Have any of you ever had that clear mental picture? I know I have. The nurse who said this was talking about how frustrating babies can be sometimes, how they can bring you to the brink, take you to the tipping point, where you might want to munch on your munchkin(s). You know, there are other things that can make you want to eat your kids. For example, whenever my wife sees an overwhelmingly cute baby, she just wants to eat it, in a nice sort of way. You know, the whole, “Oh, you’re so stinkin’ cute I just wanna eat your cute little toesies” kind of thing.

7. Said right after the previous quote: “In fact, I wanted to start a business…what was it called…baby hungry!”

I think we all know where this is going…

I have no idea where this is going. I just couldn’t think of anything new to write about this quote because it’s basically a continuation of the previous one.

8. “Nobody is going to have to lift up their shirts…unless you want to. Just kidding, shirts down. Labor coaches, don’t get excited.”

What.

9. “Toddlers are like germophobes.”

The nurse said this while discussing the challenges of having toddlers around with a newborn because the toddlers attract germs and you don’t want your newborn baby getting sick. Well, “germophobe” probably isn’t what the nurse meant — maybe “germ magnet” or something along those lines.

There’s gotta be a word for that — when you say a word that has some kind of association with the word you’re looking for but it actually means almost the opposite. If anyone knows a word for that, comment below and I’ll add it in here.

10. “Don’t compare your breast milk to other people.”

Don’t do it. It doesn’t work. I tried it. Check this out:

+------------------+---------------------------+

| Your Breast Milk | Other People |

+------------------+---------------------------+

| Made by you | Usually not made by you |

| For your baby | Usually not for your baby |

| Edible | Usually not edible |

+------------------+---------------------------+ (made with ascii-tables: http://ozh.github.io/ascii-tables/)

We could go on but I think you get the message: “Don’t compare your breast milk to other people.”

11. “When you’re learning, you just can’t have a lot of clothes on.”

That’s true. What would make this a little more clear is if you add the word “to breastfeed” right after the word “learning”. Then again, you could probably add just about any verb there and see if it still works.

12. “You don’t have anything on your breasts that says ‘one ounce, two ounces.’”

How do you know I don’t have that?! (Well, I don’t have breasts, so I guess you got me there).

13. “You don’t have to over-drink. Just drink for comfort.”

Best advice ever. “Don’t over-drink. Just drink for comfort.” Specifically, drink water. That’s what the nurse meant. No one here is encouraging alcohol consumption as a way to deal with a baby.