I am guilty of consciously pushing people away.
By: Ankita T
Tags: Relationships, Fighting Back, Life, Human Behavior, Depression

But I always thought they would understand.

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I deleted the texts and a few contacts, blocked some numbers, switched off my phone and threw it aside; wishing to never find my phone again. I also deleted or deactivated my social media account and promised myself to never touch it again.

My mother watched me close all the doors that led me to the outside world. She had questions, but she chose not to ask. I chose not to talk about my decision to cut the world out.

It’s common for people suffering from depression and anxiety to withdraw from the world and cut off any human interaction. They do it both knowingly and unknowingly.

When I began to sense the change in other’s attitude towards me, I decided to distance myself from them. For me, it was a conscious decision.

Perhaps, it was the easiest way.

I was aware that I lacked the strength to face the world and speak about my worries and struggles. I knew that not everyone welcomes and accepts people suffering from depression. They would never understand my situation.

Isolating myself was easier than becoming the topic of discussion.

When we socialize, they expect us to talk, smile and participate; I used to worry that I won’t be able to meet their expectations and make a fool of myself. I did not want them to show pity. I did not want to prove again and again that I was worthless; that I couldn’t handle myself and my emotions.

I was scared of being judged.

Therefore, I decided to stay out of any discussion about me or my life.

With time, I started to believe that the people I knew will soon walk out of my life; now that I wasn’t offering them anything. But I wasn’t ready to wait for that day and watch them go; hence, I chose to take the first step myself and before anyone could leave. I walked away.

By doing that, I felt in control of my situation. Because the thought of someone leaving me was terrifying.

Now I was living an empty life. So much had changed inside me that a simple hello or a head nod or even an eye-contact would instantly unnerve me. I dreaded all kinds of attention.

Over the next few months, I even considered myself unworthy of a relationship. I was certain that I might not be able to love them back or just be there for them. Disappointing others was out of the question. My irritable and irrational behavior was already hurting my family.

It was difficult to make everyone understand that I cannot be what they want me to be. I wasn’t happy; how did they think I would make them feel better?

I wanted them to understand that I was recovering and I wanted to do that while being away from constant scrutiny.

A year later, something shifted and whenever I pictured someone stepping out of my life, I would repeat under my breath: 'Please don’t leave me alone.’

I would spend nights wondering; was there anyone who would refuse to leave me or fight with me just to stay?

It’s only then I realized that I didn’t mean to spend my life alone. As a matter of fact, I was craving a human touch that could make me feel alive; all over again.

I was floating through the toughest phase of my life.

I turned to look at my family and thought, 'Thank goodness! I haven’t lost everything.’

Now, I am slowly opening my arms for the people I love and care about. I’m trying to get in touch with anyone who would be thrilled to get back with me. I may still be a little socially awkward but I’m okay with people reaching out to me.

It feels normal.

Something shifted inside me; for good. But if I ever decide to isolate myself again (God knows I wouldn't do that!); I would still want someone to decline my request to leave me alone.