Attitude is Everything
Tags: Victimmentality, Homelessness, Homeless, Victim, Attitude

Hope is your rock

My 2009 TED Global talk was about the power of hope. What I’ve realized since then is that hope, losing the “victim” mindset, and taking responsibility for your life beats whining about your situation over blaming others any day.

It’s NOT your fault Covid happened. It’s NOT your fault that the economy has shut down, you lost your job, you have no income, or that, for whatever reason you’re now homeless or about to become homeless. But whose fault it is doesn’t matter. It’s what you DO with what has happened to you that does. You can’t change the past. You can’t change fate. You can’t change bad luck or the actions of others. You CAN change what you do with what has happened to you. You CAN change how you THINK about what happened to you. You CAN lose your victim mindset. But you have to ACT.

VICTIMS ARE PEOPLE WHO GIVE UP THEIR POWER

THE VICTIM MINDSET

When I started working with homeless people to help them start a business, get off the street, do more, I learned not everyone who is homeless wants to get off of the street. Many of them enjoy the lack of responsibility. They like not having to pay bills or work. The tradeoff is having to live in a shelter, or in a tent in the woods, or stand at an intersection and beg for change. Many days their begging job pays closer to $50 an hour than $11 and can get them a hotel room on cold days. This blog is NOT for them. It’s for the 80% of the homeless who DO want a permanent residence, an apartment, a home, a place to live other than a shelter. And, most importantly, they want tips and resources on HOW to get what they want. They’re not sitting around drinking a poor me cocktail. They may feel stunned, or scared, or even terrified, but they KNOW they can survive this if they just learn a few tips and tricks to get through it. They have been knocked down, but not knocked out.

I don’t deal with the victim mindset, the person who says, “But someone OWES me.” or, “SOMEONE should DO something to help me!” I can’t help the people waiting on the calvary to arrive. I know there is no calvary. They don’t. And even when I tell them homelessness is a DIY thing, they refuse to believe me.

I can’t help the person who wants to sit back and let others start and run a business while they collect the checks. Look elsewhere. If you have a “Victim Mindset,” I can’t do anything for you. And I don’t want to waste my time trying to. Why?

Because I have a life I want to live and wasting time with people who are unwilling to work their own process only keeps me from accomplishing what I want to accomplish. Why tie a dead weight to your leg if you’re climbing a mountain?

The more people I can help who actually help themselves are more likely to help others. So, I invest in them. It’s called “triage.” At the scene of a bad accident, it’s NOT the people with the most severe injuries that responders help. It’s the victims who are MOST LIKELY to survive that get help first. Those expected to succumb to their injuries are left to die, and those who can survive with help are treated next. Those with bad injuries who can survive until more help arrives, or until they get to the hospital are given minimal care— enough to ensure they will survive while they wait.

I recently went to a hospital emergency room. The guy next to me was eating a lunch his wife brought him and telling everyone that he’d “been waiting” there for eight hours. Within 20 minutes my name was called and I was sent to a specialist. Why? I had a potential detached retina. I needed immediate care to save my eye. He had a sprained ankle. Did he bitch? You bet he did. He didn’t understand the concept of triage.

THE VICTIM MENTALITY

The victim mentality starts with these three beliefs:

Bad things always happen to me and will keep happening to me.

Other people or circumstances are to blame. I did NOTHING to bring this on myself. Life is not fair.

Any efforts I make, no matter how great or small, to try to create change will fail, so there’s no point in even trying.

Sound like you or someone you know? Yeah. Add homelessness to that, or addiction, or PTSD, or depression, or even more debilitating mental health issues and chances are very good nothing good will happen to you or for you.

NO ONE wants to be around a person with a victim mentality. It’s too emotionally and physically draining. I tried to work with a woman with a victim mentality and the only thing she was really good at was coming up with reasons why everything I suggested WOULDN’T WORK. So I stepped back and really looked at her situation.

She could get the things she really wanted. She could move heaven and earth to get expensive tattoos, or new clothing, or even a job, or a new motorcycle for transportation WHEN she wanted to. But if she didn’t want it, she couldn’t see a way or reason for going after it.

She couldn’t see the connection to taking responsibility for herself when it came to doing the hard stuff she didn’t want to do—like finish school, get an apartment, etc. She had someone to blame for everything going wrong in her life. Her mother, her lovers, the employers who expected her to show up for her scheduled shifts…all were to blame for her being homeless. Her alcoholism, drug addiction, and refusal to accept responsibility for her choices kept her on the streets. She’d find a way to get off of the streets and into an apartment or shelter when she got tired of the cold, but come spring, she stopped working, stopped paying rent, and hit the streets again.

Recognizing you HAVE a victim mentality to start with will help you learn how to lose it. At first, it FEELS right to blame others. THEY did “THIS” to you. Well, maybe they DID. But it’s up to YOU to change it. Start watching videos, reading articles and THINK about HOW to STOP BEING A VICTIM!

RESOURCES AND ARTICLES:

If you want to learn more about victim mentalities and see if you’re one of the ones who is a victim, here are some great articles and videos:

Do You Have a Victim Mentality? QUIZ

4 Signs You Have a Victim Mentality

https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/move-away-from-the-victim-mentality.html#

How to Identify and Deal with a Victim Mentality

https://www.healthline.com/health/victim-mentality#causes

5 Ways to Lose The Victim Mindset