Anxiety has always been here with me and I didn’t know it
Tags: Anxiety, Feelings, Mind, Mental Health, Wellbeing

sometime it’s there and sometime it’s not, but it never leave

Picture from : psycom.net

I was sitting in my room with a cup of coffee completing my application for an abroad program. I was done with my application file and was about to send it out when my inner excessive sense of overly anxious hit me. I did several re-check after re-check and looked at a receiver’s email hundreds time to make sure I put the right one. Even after i pressed send I would go back to review what i wrote in the email. For years, I have always took this habit that literally happen daily as a normal thing, thinking that it’s just sense of carefulness only to realized later that I adopted excessive worry and fear over little things, or you may called it that I do have Anxiety Disorder .

Anxiety disorder is different from normal sense of worry. It involve excessive fear or anxiety, future concern over particular thing and avoidance on situation that could trigger the symptoms. People with anxiety usually have uncontrollable worry and fear on even small things. Our feeling can be on edge and it can sometime effect to sleeping schedule. It is difficult to tell people with anxiety to “stop thinking” or “ stop imagine thing that aren’t happen yet” because deep down, controlling your anxiety is close to impossible.

The true is, anxiety never leave you, it’s just go back and forth sneaking in whenever it can.

Sometime, I would spend my day imagine future scenario that not even happen yet and most of time won’t even happen. Imagination is one thing but the worse thing is I would also put my worry and invest my thought in my made up scenario. I also have this habit of overly worry on small things. My anxious thought hold me back from doing certain thing because I want to avoid situation that I am concern. The feeling is overwhelming most of the time and there are some days that it drains my mind and soul to the point that I don’t feel like I want to do anything or get my work done. I try to avoid certain situation that may trigger my thought or provoke my excessive thinking.

When I send out any application, after a week or two without any response, I would start panicking and thinking that what if I put anything wrong in my file or that my email wasn’t send. I would go back and forth to re-check my inbox, sent and spam to make sure I didn’t make any mistake or miss any email. This excessive thought also happen with other things as well like my tasks, writing, work or any assignments.

My anxiety convinces me that, I shouldn’t involve in committed relationship because of how I look and that anyone who walk in will eventually leave when thing get close. I have always assume people’s feeling instead of an actual talk. I pull myself away from them by thinking that If I leave first than it maybe easier if thing get complicate and i build this wall around me as a barrier.

There were times that my heart rate would increase and made me difficult to breathe, or you may called it “breakdown” and it could occurred more than one time a day. When this happen, my day is completely ruin and I just sit there with panic, stress and anxiety. Minor mistake may lead me to think for several days and even after month, I would randomly go back to that thought and become tense by memory that left.

It’s sound frustrated and annoying. I have difficulty convincing myself not to think to much or worry to much on certain things. My fear is not only excessive but also unrealistic and it can start from minor thing to big issue. Sometimes it even mess up my sleeping schedule. Since I am fighting this alone, I started to find any possible way that can reduce my thoughts. I do things that make me calm or relax or read somethings new to distract my mind most of them time. It’s work somehow, but only to reduce the overwhelming feeling for a while because fighting with anxiety is a long process and require so much of our energy.

To people with anxiety, find hobby or things that calm your mind, release your stress or relax your thoughts. Since this problem is difficult to deal with what we can do is to, at least, find something that make you relax, comfortable and less thinking. Different people have different solutions. Whatever make you feel better, frequently practice it and if possible try open up to your inner circle.