Love Is Patient, Love is Kind
By: Melissa Steussy
Tags: Self-awareness, Blue Insights, Relationships, Love, Self Improvement

Love Is Patient, Love is Kind

Love does not boast

I have struggled with that emotion for as long as I can remember. Saying it can be a scary, vulnerable prospect. What if I throw out the L word and receive an awkward silence?

I grew up in a home where I knew I was loved by my mother. She was an alcoholic and had some mental issues, but there was no doubt she loved me and was proud of me. She would have done anything for me.

The problem with my mother is that she had low self-esteem. She was a middle child sandwiched between a beautiful tall drink of water and a younger sister that was an overachiever. Something was different for her. I don’t know what happened to her-what made her struggle, but she walked a little slumpier than the other two.

I learned the story about my existence when I could fully comprehend it. I learned that my Biological Father and my mother had relations. He was a couple of years younger than her. He was somewhat of a gigolo around town. I picture him shirtless driving a hot rod, but that could just be my imagination.

When my mom found out she was pregnant, he gave her 60 dollars for an abortion and left. I learned earlier this year, that my mom did go to the abortion clinic, but obviously didn’t follow through thanks to her sister’s pleading.

I feel like that abandonment dug a deep hole in my mom and she never recovered. During my birth, she had her tubes tied (at 23) and never married. Her life from then on was characterized by her boyfriend after boyfriend. Each one was more abusive than the last. Her alcoholism continued to deteriorate her self worth and I slowly began to lose respect for her. It is hard to watch someone you love make horrible choices and slowly I had to fade away.

Perhaps because of my upbringing, I wore a hard exterior. I acted like love didn’t really matter to me. I played tough and hard to get, having many loveless flings-where internally I wanted more, but I would never let on.

When I finally fell in love again after a failed marriage. I was talking to my internet boyfriend (Yes, I met him on My Space) and I remember saying, “so when do we start saying I love you.”

I could tell the feeling was mutual even though we had only been dating a few months.

When you know, you know.

I am happy to report, that although I can still be tough as nails I have learned a vulnerable side too. Through being seen during childbirth, marriage, and twelve years together I have had to work on shedding that “I don’t care” attitude. It only makes me feel empty and alone.

It’s Okay to Share our Vulnerabilities

Caring is okay. It is perfectly okay and wonderful to care for another human being unless they don’t care for you back, and then it’s painful as hell.

The loneliest existence is being with someone who doesn’t care about you as much as you care for them. When you are at the bottom of their “to do” list and they are at the top of yours.

What I’ve learned over the years is that I am responsible for filling up my own cup. Whatever extra I get is overflow and it’s great, but I don’t rely on it or expect it.

I have to ask for what I need. My husband can’t read my mind, and stomping around and slamming cupboards doesn’t make him realize that I am needing something from him, it just creates tension and fuels a non-existent fire.

I didn’t learn many relationship tools growing up, but through a lot of therapy and outside help I’ve been able to find a calm demeanor when dealing with relationship challenges. I still hate talking about money and if you mention a spreadsheet I’m out of there, but for the most part, I feel comfortable running my ideas by my spouse versus in the past, bombing past the discussion aspect, and straight to what I want when I want it.

I'm thankful that there are no knock-down-drag-out fights and drama like I created in my 20’s. Most importantly, when things don’t go my way-I no longer just run away. I am in it for the long haul. I’ve learned about commitment and I have been able to stay strong in faith for love itself.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4–8