Pandemic Fatherhood: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Chaos
By: Project Drive
Tags: Pandemic Parenting, Parenting, Fatherhood, Fathers Day, Pandemic Diaries

Pandemic Fatherhood: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Chaos

Just four sleepless months was all I’d gotten from fatherhood before the pandemic started. Born on a Sunday morning in November 2019, my son Luke (a.k.a. “Buddy Bear”) was about to test me in ways I couldn’t predict. Everyone was enduring their own share of fear, economic uncertainty, social inequity, and physical and emotional struggles when the pandemic began. On top of all that, I was still figuring out how to get a colicky infant down for naps. But in time, my son would become my anchor, my tether to all that is good and worthy in the call of fatherhood.

“In the thick of chaos, sometimes you just have to shut the world out as your little one takes its place.”

In April, when lockdowns dominated headlines, Luke was 5-months-old. Fear and uncertainty were swiftly overruled by regimented bottle feedings, endless diaper changes, and regular mask-donned doctor’s visits. Not long after, I was placed on work furlough. As overwhelmed as I wanted to be, Buddy Bear needed me to be present. In the thick of chaos, sometimes you just have to shut the world out as your little one takes its place.

I had lots of time and we made the most of it. We sang, threw morning dance parties, read his favorite books and did all the funny voices. We practiced crawling, standing, walking and talking together. Truly, no day felt exactly the same, and when he finally mastered naptime, all I wanted to do was hold him again when he woke up.

By June, my wife was back to work in person, and Buddy Bear became my sole responsibility — at least during the day. Anxiety set in and now 7-months-old, he didn’t make it easy. But with every day came increasing confidence in myself. I could read my son’s wants and needs and I found new ways to make every day a little more interesting than the last.

I’d tell him my childhood stories on our daily stroller walks and give him a fuller picture of the guy that takes care of him. When your child thinks you’re the funniest person in the world, most of the battle is already won. And that was my trick: make every day count and keep your focus there.

“I could fill volumes of stories from my first year of fatherhood alone, but my experience is incomplete without recognizing the value and resolve of my co-parent and wife.”

They say it takes a village to raise a child, and experiencing first time fatherhood in a socially distanced reality was nothing short of cruel and crushing. Keeping friends, siblings, parents and other relatives at arm’s length was emotionally one of the hardest parts of early fatherhood.

Though we were able to maintain a semblance of interaction, the day-to-day of not having a steady network around made everything fundamentally harder. It had been easy to take that for granted before.

Thankfully, I wasn’t totally on my own. I could fill volumes of stories from my first year of fatherhood alone, but my experience is incomplete without recognizing the value and resolve of my co-parent and wife. Extraordinary on her own terms in conquering motherhood, she was the primary breadwinner for much of the year, and the emotional rock that kept me going in the hardest times of pandemic child rearing. Always a sounding board and audience for my self-doubts and concerns, she gave me the reassurance that I am always the best dad, even on the lowest of days.

“Together, we faced snow storms, ice storms, hail storms, tornado warnings, power outages, water outages, roof leaks, stomach bugs, mono and every other contagion you could contract. But at the end of every catastrophe was our Buddy Bear, healthy and thriving.”

When a baby comes, every facet of your life changes. Your partner needs just as much support as your kid(s), if not more. Staying true to always being open, communicative, and honest, my wife and I would find our way through all the toughest days, which weren’t in short supply.

Together, we faced snow storms, ice storms, hail storms, tornado warnings, power outages, water outages, roof leaks, stomach bugs, mono and every other contagion you could contract. But at the end of every catastrophe was our Buddy Bear, healthy and thriving.

Every night on his baby monitor, I could see his face full of wonder, as his heavy eyes succumbed to the day. He might utter one of his new animal sounds or random words. But sometimes he’d just say “dada” and I knew I was on his mind as he drifted off.

“There is no video, podcast, or manual in existence that makes the learning curve easier.”

Emerging on the other side of the pandemic and all the chaos, I firmly believe that by intentionally embracing that chaos, you find all the happiness and joy swirling within. The worries begin to dwindle and all that’s left are the positive memories to cherish.

To all the struggling dads, newly-minted pandemic dads, and soon-to-be dads, these are my words for you: embrace the chaos. There is no video, podcast, or manual in existence that makes the learning curve easier. There is only trial and error and the resolve to always give your best even if it feels like your worst.

Rocking an infant to sleep, you have a lot of time to fill with ideas to retool and adjust your parenting. Over time, I established a loose set of guidelines that helped me overcome the hardest days and find the confidence to be a chaos-driven dad. Take what works for you, leave what doesn’t, and be sure to discover your own.

Stewart and Buddy Bear’s Rules to Stop Worrying and Embrace the Chaos of Fatherhood

When given the time, waste none of it.

If you aren’t given the time, demand more of it.

Trust your instinct, even if it ends up being the wrong decision.

Give yourself the time to be hard on yourself, then press on.

Parenting is mostly failing upwards and being able to laugh with it.

Your parenting wins will always outnumber your parenting failures.

Build off the wins, build up from the failures.

Plans are a recipe for disappointment; plan accordingly, but learn to improvise, too.

On the subject of improv, learn the power of saying ‘Yes, and’ to everything.

Find your zen whether it’s music, video games, books, or something else. Just be good to yourself

Don’t compare yourself to anyone else.

Unsolicited advice is well-meaning, but you can choose to take it or leave it.

Explain everything to your kids. When you teach them, you teach yourself.

Your kids are way more perceptive than you think.

To all the dads out there: do it your way and do it with love. Happy Father’s Day!