How I fought for my independence.
By: Samantha Holmes
Tags: Codependency, Courage, Hope, Strength, Honest

There are two things that have changed my life after being thrown a few curve balls in a short amount of time. These two things that helped me find my way after trauma were self care and safe relationships.

Mostly for someone with heavy people pleasing tendencies, self care was the quiet time I allowed.

Previous to realizing how deep my people pleasing was, I never spent time alone or in silence. If I was in the car the radio was on or I was on the phone. If I was home the television was on in the background. I never truly gave myself time to be alone with my thoughts. I never ate lunch alone. If I took a walk it was only when I had a partner to chat with. I NEVER had quiet time.

I started connecting to my thoughts through practicing yoga. I hated my first yoga class when I realized it was not a social activity. I had went to class with my best friend, and was thoroughly disappointed when I shushed by the instructor.

It took awhile yet after getting into the groove of yoga I tried journaling. I’ve written so much that I have filled up three journals. I’ll call the first my book of rage, the second journal I wrote in was my awakening. In the second journal I started to understand my thought patterns, and I was able to start identifying my limiting beliefs. My most recent journal we will call the book of hope.

I ended up burning my first journal. There were so many negative thoughts, so many painful memories that I couldn’t handle keeping it as a reminder of my difficult past.

The last piece of my quiet care puzzle has been mediation. This has been the most transformational for me. 5 years ago I would have said yeah, no meditating isn’t for me. Now, I can’t believe I survived so long without it.

I’ve had the most breakthroughs and breakdowns from meditation. I practice guided meditation so I listen to the instructor and the light music. I allow myself to be in the moment. This is when thoughts surface that maybe I was subconsciously avoiding. To say there have been tears is an understatement.

Although meditation has taken a lot of time and energy I always walk away calm. I feel refreshed. Refocused.

The second part of my healing came in the form of safe relationships.

I learned to only spend time and energy on personal relationships with those who supported me. Those who held space for me. Those who heard my hurt yet let me find my own way out of my darkness. There is no such thing as a broken person. I had experienced loss, yet I didn’t need someone to tell me how deep my wounds were. I needed someone to listen while I found my own bandages.

Therapy. 5 years ago I also would have said yeah, no I don’t need therapy. I found a damn good therapist who called me on my shit. Someone who knew when I needed tough love and someone who offered support. Without her guidance I wouldn’t have found my way out of the darkness.

After I had worked through issues in therapy I started working with a few coaches. It took me a few tries to find the right one. The first one was cold and dismissive during our discovery call. She obviously had not been through proper training on how to hold space.

The second one wanted to shower me with pity. She wanted to say I was living with shame which wasn’t true for me.

The third one was good. She helped me identify some of my limiting beliefs. She helped me own my shit and set down the baggage I was carrying that belonged to other people.

Now the work I’ve done with my 4th and best coach has been a game changer. She loves her work. She loves to help. Love radiates from her and I felt it as a client. The positive direction and reinforcement she provided has been priceless. It’s an amazing thing to be seen and appreciated for the real you. To be told your story is inspiring.

As you can see, it took a lot of trial and error to find my way back to my true self. I put in the time to figure out how to find out what I wanted, what was holding me back from getting there, and what I wanted to do about it.

If this resonates with you please like and share. My only hope is that my story can help someone else find their way out of the shadow of expectations, and step towards their own bold and honest life.