2020: Time for Space.
By: Dilyana Dobrinova
Tags: Spiritual Growth, Soul, Rebirth, New Beginnings, Personal Growth

2017: The car accident that brought me here.

Three years since that Sunday I was kneeling on the floor of my apartment cracking hazelnuts mindlessly only few hours after I had brutally smashed my car on the highway. I still remember every moment, but most clearly I see the silver light. It’s because of that light that I am writing this review every year.

You might find familiar faces or places among the words below (and in the link at the bottom). At the very least, you know Antoncho. :-) But I’d be happier if what you find is your own self somewhere between the lines. If you’ve had any of these thoughts (hopefully without the traumatic experience of a car crash or the downsides of 2020), then we’re moving in the right direction. Collectively. :-)

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For me this year was a year of building my way to courage — of making peace with my past and redefining my present. And being successful at it. Courage is so hard to build when your heart’s been hurt and is covered with fear. Nature is the strongest remedy and the best coach in how to change that.

I have been hiking so much that I reached the point when I felt so truly myself again that I wanted every other woman to feel like this way again through feeling herself in nature. Starting something on your own is just as courageous as hiking. It’s moving in the right direction. In slower steps, hard at times, but greatly rewarding.

2020 was a year of solitude for many — yes, distance, but also introversion and silence. For me that was a blessing. I couldn’t go to my vipassana course in Nepal because of the virus, but I still did more meditation sessions this year than I’ve ever done. I am known to be a happy shiny person who smiles often and talks a lot even though my ‘R’ sounds like a ‘G’. But I think this period of pleasant introversion changed that a bit. I am softer, more mellow and yet, still full of joy. And I am loving it.

My knowledge of myself has expanded tremendously. Partially thanks to my long-distance friends Oprah and Deepak Chopra, and Eckhart Tolle — who is one of those friends who points out how big our collective ego is and how we’re all part of it. I’m not an egocentric person, quite the opposite, but A New Earth inspired digging into that and re-building the relationship with my ego. Feels like the best one to work on.

This is the first time that I am consciously and continuously realizing how adaptive I am. How major external circumstances have little effect on my big little inner joys. No event did seriously trigger me, or crash me.

The only thing that brought me down this year was my pain — pain I have stored from the past. Surprisingly, I’ve had people tell me this year that I seem to be doing much better than them in dealing with the past. I’ve had people tell me I am the most joyful person they have ever met. I bet. But you know — you cant appreciate the beauty of life if you haven’t seen a lot of its pain, too.

And pain is something that heals slowly, with patience and practice. I give thanks to my practice with YWA, Santosha and OneCommune. And to Veni (Sutra) for her healing voice, her hatha sequences and the custom heart practice she designed for me once. I thank Anita for fine-tuning my soul and my gut with her rituals, and my newly-found book club for reminding my brain to read for fun.

I thank my breath. Literally, it’s the most valuable thing I have had this year (and always, I guess). I thank my body, which has never loved me more than it does now. And I thank my home, for providing the cozy inspiration to keep these practices.

All of these helped me realize that the pain is not really a part of me. And that some of that pain was not even mine in the first place. But I kept it, so that others be free of it. See, I am one of those people who connect with others’ personalities quickly, but in addition to that I connect to their vibrations and their energetic bodies. I am a natural healer. So I guess my inborn intention is to heal the world from pain? (deep shit, but no kidding)

I’m a giver so I forgive others very quickly. My problem is that I struggle forgiving myself. I always thought that when someone treats you badly it’s because you did something wrong. You deserved it. Apparently, that’s not the case.

My biggest regret for this year is that I spent a lot of time wondering what I did to deserve someone’s offensive words and disrespectful actions. So many times, I went back to painful events to try to find the reasons. I punished myself for acting the way I did, for not doing things differently, not being good enough. And then it hit me. And then I heard it again, and again somewhere else. And it changed my whole mindset: when someone treats you badly, it’s because of them, not you.

A new friend I made this year once mentioned something that resonated with me. “There are some people,” she said, “who are generally good people. But internally they are such a mess, that they create chaos around them and in others.” I knew what she meant.

If you are such a someone, please look into your soul and heal your pain. No human needs more harm done onto them, including you.

I have always sent positive thoughts to these people because I felt they were in pain themselves. But today I try to send more compassion my own way (thank you, Ira). I’ve always been good to others. I just try to be kinder to myself now as well. Being friends with me has become my favorite hobby.

This year taught me to distance myself from impure behavior. From people with pretty faces but empty souls, from people with hidden agendas, from people who use me to satisfy their needs, to gain and not return. These exact people would be shocked when you gave them some of their own behavior. If you spot such in your life, try this as a challenge. See how long they last.

I kept hearing that emotions should stay out of the business world. Cute opinion. But here’s a real-world fact — I have not met a single client or partner so far who has not been emotional in our business meetings at least a few times. Not a single one. And that’s what keeps us human. So please stop telling me business people should ignore their feelings and emotions. Instead, it seems like you should be asking me to teach you some.

“People will underestimate you.” I heard this several times in 2020. “Because you are young and you are a woman”. Truth is people don’t underestimate me. They listen to what I say, see what I do and evaluate based on that. And the perceived value is high. It’s only the person who says such words that believes them. But it makes me wonder why does someone need to say this to anyone? Instead of showing support, they talk to put them down. Why make them believe they are the weaker one. It’s sad someone wants to believe this. Because I don’t.

I am sincerely grateful for the strong male relationships in my life this year. Especially that guy I went on 5 dates with, only to see he wanted to have me near to guide him in building his business. I know I’m a great consultant, but sweetheart, you will have to be paying much more than you are now.

Besides that, however, I am grateful for remaining friends with a past lover and for being friends with someone who, for a change, doesn’t want to be my lover.

Another relationship I have improved, is the one I have with Instagram. I stopped watching who viewed my stories. Best. Improvement. Ever. (well, best right after the ones I did at home).

The fact that someone doesn’t watch your stories

doesn’t really mean they don’t watch your stories.

The fact that someone watches your stories

doesn’t mean they care about your life stories.

So why bother at all?

The time and energy one wastes in those scrolls are the most sinfully wasted resources ever. Direct interaction is all that matters — online and in person.

I use Instagram for my own inspiration and for supporting others. Now more than ever. I follow people that inspire me and businesses that have a purpose greater than the profit. I follow makers, artists and creators. And I interact with them. I talk, I comment and I ask. I engage because I care. AND I remove every stalker (not follower) who will gladly watch your every single move but will never say hi. Please. How does anybody have time for that?!

I have come to realize that there are many people that want your energy. But only when it’s the good energy. And Instagram is the easiest way to get that without any responsibility of a relationship of any kind — without being friends or good acquaintances. It takes much more maturity and emotional intelligence to be connected with someone in both their high- and low-energy moments. Reread that paragraph, please. It matters.

Freedom is fear of commitment when freedom lacks responsibility. As Matthew McConaughey says “Freedom is a concept of the ego. What the heart wants is responsibility.” This has been a huge topic for me in 2020, personally and professionally, and I couldn’t agree more. The first type of freedom can carry a feeling of anxiety, chaos or even arrogance and superficiality, and it is very dissatisfying. While the second is the freedom that comes with making the choice of the heart, the choice of love. Bam. Greenlight.

You can like whatever you want and not take responsibility for that on Instagram. Easy. Faces and legs are always pretty on Instagram. Even more easily. But handsome is as handsome does. So do wisely.

And the most handsome person in my life remains my father. Who is almost 70 now. Who has raised the bar so high in the past year that I am super curious to see the guy that takes up the challenge to be just as handsome through his actions.

My dad is almost 70 now. With chronic bronchitis, fluctuating blood pressure and joint pain. And even though he has hiked a dozen hills with me, the context of the year has certainly made me think about the inevitable death. (Meditation doesn’t stop such thoughts, no.) People would say “noo, don’t think that”. But if you were me, you would, too. I have dealt with death closely when I was 10, when I was 11 and painfully at 12 again. I’m kinda used to it now and maybe that’s why I’ve never been afraid of it. And after all I saw the silver light at 26.

I have faith. And I know my dad does too.

But I am worried that many don’t.

So I am on a mission to change that. After all, my name is Dobrinova (Good & New). So I believe that the good prevails and there comes a new beginning for all of us.

I am writing my new beginning now.

I have lived the story that others have told about me for quite a long time. The story including the offensive words, the labels of insecurity, unworthiness or excessive sensitivity. Truth be told, every single person is insecure in one way or another. Especially the ones that throw that label at others. But we are all worthy. And I know it’s exactly sensitivity that makes me the most joyful person, the most caring healer, and one of the best brand strategists.

My intention for my next year (dec 18th, 2020 to dec 17th 2021) is to update the story I am telling myself in a way that has much more of the “good” and the “new” in it.

I build stories for others for work, but in my personal life I would let others craft my story? Yeah, no.

It’s a long process, I know. I have almost 30 years of history to rewrite. But hey, I am a strategist — I’m always in it for the long haul.

And this sounds like the most important project of my life.

Thank you, 2020 for helping me start writing.

I will continue writing the right story,

I will use my voice to share and inspire,

I will keep my heart open for all that comes next.

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And because spiritual wisdom is great, but we all need some hard core facts, here’s a list of all key moments that made 2020 a great third year of my new life.