You’re Hired — You Should Know We Can Fire You Anytime For Any Reason We Deem Necessary
By: Toya Qualls-Barnette
Tags: Relationships, Satire, Humor, Funny, Workplace

Memo to New Hire.

Welcome to XYZ company. Glad to have you aboard. We’re sorry we couldn’t give you a warmer welcome. We know the onboarding process sucked.

You know — the pandemic and all.

You met the big bosses on Zoom. You were quite impressive — the old company spoke highly of you. We were going to keep you anyway to save us some time. Until we can find someone better — I mean younger who we can pay less to work more. Someone who won’t dare question our authority or best practices.

Incidentally, sorry you had to witness my twenty something wife staggering by in the background on our Zoom call sipping a mimosa with my reindeer underwear on her head. Big ballers need love too.

You know — the pandemic and all.

Oh, we forgot to mention we don’t pay our executives as much as the old company. Will that be okay? We’ve decided you’re not worth the salary you’ve worked so hard to achieve over the last 25 years, even if the cost of living in your city is the highest in all the United States. The bright side is you’ll make more than Linda doing the same job. But you didn’t hear that from me.

Too bad, so sad. We know it sounds unfair, but you know — the pandemic and all.

Did you read about our company? It doesn’t matter we know everything we need to know about you. We’ve checked all your social media accounts, family, and friends. Interesting life you lead. The story about your dog cracked us up — hilarious. Your wife hates your mother? Geez.

Who’s the hottie in the little black number blowing candles out on your Facebook page? Just curious. She looks familiar.

I have emailed your employee handbook to you. Please sign — verify you’ve read every page of jargon and can recite it back. We will test you. Forget the fine print. Its only purpose is to protect us from liability should you plan to sue us soon.

Oh, we forgot to mention our health insurance isn’t as good as the old company and we don’t contribute to your 401K. That’s all you, bro. Pick a plan and be happy. Isn’t that what we all want?

We know it’s a lot to get used to, but we’ve heard you’re a quick study. We expect you fully prepared for impromptu Zoom meetings until 9:00pm any weekday of our choice — weekends until noon. Is that okay? Communication is key.

You know — the pandemic and all.

What have you done for us lately, anyway? You’re required to be in the office during the mandated stay-at-home order, exposing yourself to COVID for the good of the team. We will not tolerate slackers. We’ve earned the right to work from home.

We’re way more important than you. We’ll let you know when and if you qualify. By the way, we installed cameras in your office — for your protection, of course.

You know — the pandemic and all.

Our employees earn vacation time. You won’t have any until you’ve surpassed your departmental budget. This shouldn’t be a deterrent. We’ve heard vacation is a major incentive for you. Good luck. We’re looking forward to your loyalty and hard work. LOL.

In case you didn’t know, you’re employed in an At-Will State. That means we can fire you anytime for any reason we deem necessary outside of blatant discrimination. Don’t worry — we specialize in the art of subtlety. You’re lucky your state has a covenant of good faith exemption. Otherwise you can kiss your ass goodbye at the slightest infraction.

Whatever you do, don’t follow the big boss’s lead and fall asleep in a Zoom meeting. Stick a fork in yourself and your career if you do. You’re done. Questions? I didn’t think so — we’ve covered everything. See you soon.

Looking forward to meeting you in person.

All the best,

XYZ Team