How Being Single Made Me a Better Parent
By: Wendy Miller
Tags: Parenting, Single Parent, Divorce, Family, Single Moms

I was 21 when I got pregnant, and when my then-boyfriend and father of my child promised to be there no matter what, I was confident that I had a solid partner in this parenting gig.

Fast forward three years, and my second child is 20 days old as a judge finalizes my divorce from their father. It was not what I had planned when I decided to have a child, but I’d known for a while it was inevitable.

I never judged single parents, but I had never envisioned being one myself. I felt like parenting was supposed to be a two-person deal. Yet suddenly, I had joined the ranks of single parents and I didn’t even have the comfort of knowing my ex would be there for my kids.

It didn’t take him long to disappear from their lives, and then I was truly solo parenting. And for as scary as it had once seemed, it didn’t take long for me to realize that I was a better parent single than married.

A miserable relationship makes your entire life miserable

There were so many problems in my marriage. Infidelity, abuse, lies, in-laws who didn’t even try to pretend they liked me… just a few of the issues. At times, my marriage felt far more like a war zone than a marriage. I looked forward to the hours my ex spent at work, because I knew I’d have the house to myself and not have to deal with him at all. I hoped he would go out with friends or to see his parents on weekends and evenings. Eventually, I even found myself wishing he’d find someone new to cheat with.

The happiness I felt while he was gone didn’t last forever, though. As time went on, and more issues kept building up, the misery I felt when he was home began to filter into the time when he was gone. I became depressed, bitter, and angry. And while I didn’t take it out on my son, he felt it.

He felt it because a depressed mother doesn’t take her child to the park, or library story time, or other fun activities that little kids enjoy. He felt it because his mother would sit on the floor and cry sometimes. He felt it because his mother would watch Divorce Court and verbalize her envy of the women who were getting free of their unhappy marriages.

I loved my son as fiercely as any mother, and I did what I needed to do for him. I fed him, changed him, bathed him, and put him to bed. I played with him, read to him, and cuddled him. But my misery was still present, and it infiltrated those moments we shared. And he would have eventually understood what was happening.

Once my marriage was over, it was a nearly instant change for me. I immediately felt like a weight was gone. I was lighter, happier, freer. I was eager to take my son (and his brand-new baby brother) to the park, the library, and to playdates with friends.

Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

There’s no room for doubt when you’re doing it alone

When you’re married, your spouse might have a different idea on how to handle things with the kids. You have to take that idea into account. You look for compromises. You might even question whether you’re right in your own idea.

Even when you and your spouse agree, you can’t simply make unilateral decisions. You have to talk to your spouse and make sure you’re in agreement before moving forward. This makes decision-making slower and sometimes more frustrating.

When you’re a single parent, though, you have the final — and only — say. You always have the option of talking to friends or family for a second opinion if you feel you need it, but it’s all up to you in the end.

This means you become much more confident in your decisions. Over the decade and a half that I’ve been a single mom, there have been very few decisions that I have questioned. There have been very few decisions that I felt I needed someone else’s opinion to help me make up my mind.

And it’s very freeing once you find that confidence. When you stop second-guessing your decisions and start simply owning them, you don’t worry as much about making mistakes or what happens if it doesn’t go to plan. You know that happens sometimes and when it does, you course-correct and move on.

Choices become much more intentional

From the jobs I’ve had to the decision to start my own business, from friends I chose for myself to the people I pointed out as role models to my children, my choices became much more intentional after my divorce. I think there were a couple of reasons behind this.

One is that once you’ve made a lifechanging choice that goes wrong, such as marrying someone you never should have married, you tend to be more cautious. You put more thought into your choices and their potential outcomes and negative consequences. You don’t want to put yourself or someone else through that again.

Another is concern about stability for your kids. Divorce introduces significant instability into their young lives, and once the divorce is final, you want to get back as much stability as possible. And once you get some stability back, you don’t want to ruin it. So you weigh each decision, each person, against the current stability and try to figure out if this decision will add to or take away from that stability, and if it will take away, is there a benefit that makes it worth it?

I thought much harder about anyone or anything I wanted to bring into our lives. Even if I seemed like it would only impact me, I still considered any and all angles from which it might eventually impact my kids and how comfortable I was with that impact.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that married parents don’t do these things as well. What I am saying, however, is that getting divorced and becoming a single parent is what made me do them. Had I stayed in an unhappy marriage, I’m not convinced I would have ever found happiness as a parent, been confident in my parenting decisions, or been so careful about the things that affected my children. And they would have suffered for it.

People will tell you that children need a two-parent home and that being raised by a single parent will have a negative effect on them. While there may be statistics that back this up, there’s one thing statistics can’t tell you: what’s best for you and your children.

When the American Dream family image shatters and you’re picking up the pieces, if the realization that leaving one of those pieces behind is what’s best for you and your kids, ignore the statistics. Ignore the naysayers. Do what you believe is best for your family.

Because you’re not raising statistics. You’re raising children that you know and love. And the decisions you make will be in their best interests every time.

Wendy Miller is a Single Mom Coach & meditation teacher. She helps moms use mindfulness and meditation to create the life they really want. She lives in Florida with her two sons, where she homeschools while solo parenting, while surrounded by what feels like a zooful of animals.

You can follow her on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest. You can also sign up for her newsletter where she offers more insights, tips, tricks, advice, and information to help single moms find purpose, creativity, passion, and peace.

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