TWO FACED
Tags: Self Improvement, Heartbreak, Strory, Self Love, Love

TWO FACED

This is the story of how I found myself. I looked at myself in the mirror at my lowest point but at the time I didn’t know i was at my lowest point, looking at myself trying to figure out who i’m looking at because i couldn’t quite figure out who i was. Growing up i didn’t want people to know who I really was, I wanted to be anyone but me. I think that stuck, because I wasn’t me for a very long time. I cared too much about what others thought and because of that i lost myself. So I cried, i cried to myself, i comforted myself, and hugged myself because i knew that it was time for change. It started with a breakup, to a pandemic, loosing friends, but finding myself. I think thats the most beautiful part about my journey. Is finding the light within. Growing and glowing. alot of tears this year more than i’ve ever cried, but crying healed me. I always kept my feelings inside and never grew when i had to deal with things that happened because i needed to grow. I held it all in for years, i never healed, my heart was broken even before he broke it. I never had the perfect life, i had a fucked up childhood, a fucked high school experience, and a fucked love life. Im not only talking about relationship wise, i never felt love from anyone other than my dad. I Know this now but i didn't know this back then. I thought that shit would happen to me because i didn't deserve happiness, but wrong i deserve everything in my life. I deserve abundance, love, friendship, happiness , and deserve to live. I never told myself that until this year and I know I am the creator of my universe. I don't know who that girl was but i know i’m thankful for her, and i hug myself because that girl deserved so much more.

I lost my soulmate this year, i think it will always be a what if situation, but i lost him for a reason. I think because of him i grew. I needed him to leave because he showed me the sun that helped me bloom and i think thats the most beautiful thing. Our time lasted so little but it felt like a lifetime, and maybe in a another life but i don’t think this life, he told me that all i see is a girl who i wish would put down that cover of hers but it seems like she can't, and he was wrong i could. its down the mask is off, the cover is down, and now i’m more me than ill ever be. I wish he could see me and sometimes i wish i could talk to him but i know its not meant to be. At least not right now, maybe never. I dream about him a lot and i dream about us in a beautiful garden, i run to him most of the time, but as soon as i get to him he's gone. He vanishes and somebody else appears, and that somebody else makes me feel like its okay to be who I am. Even on my off days, she makes me feel special. that somebody else is me.. I lost a love I'll never get back, but i gained something much better. This is the love story ill tell my kids one day. Some people are meant to come in your life for a reason, even if they leave.. it was meant for you. I loved him, i never told him i loved him but i did. I cant explain the love i had for him but it was a love that felt like a lifetime. A love I'll never forget. He knew i loved him and he also knew that he had to leave. At the time i hated him for it, but i love him more than I did.

Im lucky though, i found somebody when i wasn't even looking, and he makes me happy.. Even on days where i just struggle he makes it better. His kisses make me feel like i’m glowing on the inside and out. I guess you could say i love him, but i love him because who he is. I don't need to feel rushed with him, even if we aren't in love at the moment. We love each other for who we are. We live in the moment, he’s my best-friend he makes me feel like nobody else has because he knows the real me. Right now i’m just living in the moment, because thats all i have right now. Moments, it's been such a rough year, i cant imagine how life would be if I didn't grow. Life is good, i’m happy, and healthy. When i look at myself in the mirror i see light.