Is my son is destined to be a Loser like me?
By: Maxwell Mccloud
Tags: Failure, Fatherhood, Parenting, Loser, People

I had a rough time as a kid. The things that happened and how things happened, made life pretty hard on me.

And I wish I could say it all smoothed out once I became an adult but it didn’t. It just continued to ruin my life.

I went from a struggling kid, to a twenty something goof, to middle-aged loser. I’m a man who has nothing. No assets. No marketable skills. No drive. No talent. No instincts.

A loser in every sense of the word.

Now looking back I see how a few aspects of my character sent me down this path to this unenviable fate. A few things about me that set me on the course I find myself.

Unfortunately, I see that my oldest son seems to have been born very similar to his dad — which is not always a bad thing — especially if you’re someone like Rod Stewart.

Rod Steward is a bad ass mother fucker if you’re not aware.

I was born a “night owl” and so was my son.

My son is a night owl. He’s one of those people that comes alive at night and is lethargic during the day. He would sleep till the afternoon if we let him.

A lot like how I was/am.

There’s a lot of material online about how night owls are more intelligent and creative than the morning types and people like me appreciate reading it. What those articles leave out, however, is that night owls are mostly broke losers.

Intelligent and creative losers, but losers none the less.

This is not a night owl world.

I feel that most of my troubles can be traced back to being unable to sleep at night and feeling sluggish and unengaged all day when at school or work. As a night owl, when you have to wake up early, it’s like you’re operating on sixty less I.Q. points.

You’re not nearly at your best when it matters most — during business hours.

I believe this one thing about me set me up for a far more difficult life. A life more difficult than I was capable of leading well.

Like me, he’s a shy introvert.

Again, lot’s of material online praising the introverts. People like me appreciate reading that. But ask any introvert and I’m sure they would agree: Introversion is a huge disadvantage in our society.

If you’re an introvert who also happens to be a night owl, well, you’re a bit fucked I’d say. Unless you have some special talent or absolutely master some sought after skill set, you’re going to have a very rough time compared to your chatty counterpart who wakes up fresh as a daisy.

My son is becoming a fat kid like I was.

When I wasn’t waking up tired or sitting quietly in a corner while other kids played, I was busy eating junk food and watching TV.

From about the fourth grade to the ninth grade I was a “fat kid”.

This was at a time when every other kid wasn’t fat like today. This is when being fat made you stand out like a big red mango, ripe for abuse.

I remember some girls from school got my parent’s phone number and would prank call me and say all kinds of awful things about how fat and disgusting I was while cackling loudly. My number was passed around school I assume because it sounded like different girls calling me every time.

That fucked me up pretty good.

The boys would pick me last for team sports and pinch my man boobs and slap my stomach in the locker room while making pig sounds.

That kinda fucked me up, too.

Even my own friends would tease me for being fat when girls were around which led me to believe for the rest of my life that I will never have loyal friends.

I cannot let my kid become the “fat kid”

As I mentioned before, most kids are fat now. I take comfort in that. My son has a lot more breathing room for how fat he can get and still fly under the radar.

I’m committed to making sure he doesn’t become overweight and out of shape. That didn’t work for me and now I have all kinds of hangups due to my experience.

I can’t let that happen to my son.

I totally hate children now

Today I absolutely loath children and can’t stand being near them. To me they are examples of uninhibited human evil.

I love and cherish my own kids but am still revolted by other people’s children and it sucks. I can see that kids are really great. Super cute. I can see why people really love them but I’m still revolted by the human child.

I so badly want to let go of this ridiculous thinking but I can’t seem to do it. When I see kids I get anxious and start sweating profusely and mumbling incoherently.

I’m sure when people see this happen to me probably they must think, this guy’s so nervous around children he must be a pedophile! Actually the opposite is true. I’m a pedophobe! Children were my greatest tormentors in life and now I’m forever scared of them.

I absolutely don’t want the same experience for my son. It’s done nothing but hold me back from becoming all the things I could have became in life. I want my son to love being with kids. I want my son to love people!

People who need people are the greatest people of all!

Childhood abuse sticks to your psyche like tar.

At the time of me writing this I’m now a tall and handsome man. I grew to be six foot four inches tall and I learned out considerably uncovering a svelt muscular physique. I have all the sex appeal of a forty five year old George Clooney and my wife is an incredibly beautiful woman who can’t keep her hands and lips off of me.

But inside I’m still that little fat boy, still afraid that someone will pinch my boobs and squeal like a pig.

I’m still waiting for those girls to call me and yell horrible insults about how fat and ugly I am.

Even though all the people I grew up with are much fatter and uglier than me now, they still have so much more confidence and are far more successful.

When I was in my early twenties and looked like Jonny Depp’s good-looking cousin, I could have gotten most any woman I wanted, but still had trouble because I believed myself to be unattractive.

I’m a tall man in a culture where short men feel tortured and overlooked and would shoot their own mothers to be three inches taller, yet I can’t own it. I walk around hunched over like a beaten dog afraid to stand up straight because I feel like a fraud. I’m really a fat ugly troll.

That’s what happens when your identity solidifies as an ugly fat kid. Even if you become a blazingly handsome man as an adult, you’ll always be the fat kid.

I can’t let that happen to my son.

He let’s other kids steal his toys

When you’re a fat shy kid, it’s seems natural that you would also be non-confrontational which I was/am.

Before everything was shut down I would take my son to the gym with me where they had a child care service. There was a window where I could watch him playing with other kids. I would often see my son playing alone with a toy before another kid would come up and snatch it away from him.

When this would happen, I, like any parent, wanted my son to physically attack the other child and beat them about the face with the stolen toy but this is not what happened.

My son just stood there. He stood there and looked around for someone to help him but nobody did. So he just sat down and looked at the floor.

I had an awful feel when I see that happen to him. I know what happens to little boys who are like that and I can tell you it’s not pleasant and the effects last a lifetime.

Would I rather my son be a bully?

Like any good conformist, I tell people the last thing I want my son to be is a bully, and like any good conformist, I’m lying.

There’s a popular misconception that childhood abuse is the fuel that drives hyper-successful adults but that’s not real. The bullies that run the school yards grow up to run the world.

The bullies of today become the capitalists of tomorrow while the bullied kids grow up to be the scared cubical drones.

I would love to get a call from a teacher in the future telling me that my son is beating up other children. Nothing would make me happier then to see my son stealing other kids’ toys. As much as I personally hate children like that, I, like many other parents, want my son to be one of them.

How do I guide my son to a better life than I had?

I don’t want to pressure him to be something he’s not in the hopes that it reflects well on me. All I want is to help him avoid some of the experiences that shaped me in so many disadvantageous ways.

One thing I remember getting a lot of as a kid was advice from loser adults who were bitter and selfish. Now that I’m one of those adults, the last thing my sons need to hear is me telling them how to think.

What I believe I need to do is simple:

Keep soda and sugary snacks out of the house.

Enroll them in martial arts.

Wake them up early everyday and get them active.

Find other well-functioning adults that might help mentor them.

Send them off to summer camp when they’re older so they can learn to socialize with out their parents’ support.

He’s like me, but doesn’t need to end up like me.

Even though my son is a lot like me, it doesn’t mean his life will go the same. But I mean, it could…