The One Underrated Ingredient in Good Relationships
By: Crystal Cha
Tags: Relationships, Reading, Love

The One Underrated Ingredient in Good Relationships

What I’m learning, validated by couples who have been married for decades

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

Picture this: Your partner buys you some healthy snacks, or encourages you to go to the gym.

What is the story you tell yourself?

Do you immediately get defensive and start thinking: “Does he/she think I’m fat? Maybe he/she is hinting that I’ve been lazy or slacking off too much. Why can’t they accept me for who I am?”

Or do you go: “Wow, I feel so loved! This person wants me to be healthy and really wants the best for me. I’m so lucky I get to be with this person.”

The situation is the same, but the two reactions couldn’t be more different. What is the story your mind starts to tell yourself?

It might not be about diet or fitness. It could be about a goal you’re pursuing, like a course you said you would take or a book you said you’d read. How do you react when your partner checks in with you?

I’ve had both reactions before. The situations were similar, but with different people.

And I’ve realized there are two things that make the difference in my reactions:

1. How much respect I have for myself

When I’m at a place where I feel productive, calm, and energetic, I’m more open to feedback and even welcome it. I know that I’ve been doing the best I can, and I appreciate other people’s contribution towards helping me get even better.

When I’m tired, feeling stretched and overwhelmed, and when I’ve not upheld my boundaries or kept promises to myself, I usually end up feeling pretty shitty. I feel like I’ve been trying my best, but even that’s not good enough, and I’m stuck in a spiral of self-hate and shame. In those moments, feedback feels like criticism, and at times an all-out attack.

What respecting myself looks like: I guard my energy more closely. I consciously tell myself (an INFP and empath), that I can’t do it all or save everyone. I ruthlessly prioritize. If I have to, I sleep in longer or cancel plans. I try to explain to other people around me if I’m feeling drained why I might need a bit more time than the average person to recharge my batteries.

2. How much respect I have for my partner

When I truly respect my partner for who he is, the whole essence of who he is, it’s so much easier to give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s so much easier to trust in a person’s intentions when you genuinely believe they are a good person. Even if they make a mistake, you know it was probably unintentional.

I’m not talking about brushing aside people’s flaws or ignoring consistently bad behavior. I’m talking about not trying to change the essence of who your partner is— at all. If the person is a logical thinker and problem-solver, their way of showing care will always be coming up with solutions. If the person is an emotional, empathetic person, their way of showing care will always be a hug or trying to get you to open up about how you are feeling.

What respecting my partner looks like: I’m learning that there will be some things that just don’t jive with who we are as a person and our way of being in the world. And that’s completely okay. If you find someone who ticks all the boxes but just rubs you the wrong way in one area (example: someone who is kind, caring, attentive, and physically attractive to you — but talks a bit too loudly or is a bit too playful or too serious or has some personality trait you would change in a heartbeat if you could) — don’t settle. If you can’t respect someone, don’t settle.

Be with someone you wouldn’t want to change a thing about. I’m not talking about bad habits — new habits can always be formed. I’m talking about the nature of who a person is. Be with someone you admire for who they are, not what they have or do. And you can’t figure out what kind of person you get along well with, until you figure out who you are as a person, and what kind of personalities play well with your personality.

A few months ago, I told my counselor: I’m not dating another person unless I can talk to him about Myers-Briggs personality types, Enneagram types, Love Languages, horoscopes, and other similar topics. He told me that was a good idea. (What I’ve learned: When I put concrete, specific intentions like that out there, life generally brings me towards the direction of those things.)

What happy older couples say about respect

My recent discovery that respect is a key component of happy relationships — perhaps even more than affection, care, or commitment — is validated by happily married couples whose marriages have lasted decades. In his book, “30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage”, social scientist Karl Pillemer interviewed over 700 American seniors aged at least 65 or older, and he wrote:

“The idea of respect feels foreign to a love relationship. There’s a formal quality to respect that seems opposed to the bonds of romantic love and emotional intensity that make a marriage. But after hundreds of interviews, I learned that respect is important precisely because it provides a necessary check and balance on the passions that boil up in married life. The paradox of marriage is that we can hurt the one we love and do so more effectively than in any other relationship. And that’s why respect is absolutely necessary. Respect elevates our partner to a position of safety, because it involves attitudes that rein in our raw emotions. It balances passion by placing front and center appreciation and admiration for one’s partner. When we respect others, we focus on their dignity as a person; we hold them in esteem, we even revere them. The elders tell us that such respect must be present to make a marriage last; when it goes, usually the marriage does, too.”

A senior man who has been married for 74 years and rates his marriage as “even better than ‘extremely happy’”, said:

“Being married — the number one is love. But absolutely number two is respect. Heidi (real name changed) and I respect each other very, very much and that’s why we lasted so long. Anything she says to me, I agree with ninety-nine percent of the time because she is generally right. Of course being married seventy-three years we’ve had our little arguments together, but most everything she did, I agreed, because I realized how smart a woman she is.”

What a lack of respect looks like

In my mid twenties, during a hectic and stressful period in my life, my partner at the time gave me a book called “Ordering Your Private World”. My first reaction was to take offense to it. Was he saying my inner world was such a mess?

I didn’t welcome his attempt to help me, when I felt he had so much to work on himself as well. Who was he to tell me what to do? I may have recognized his care and good intentions, but I’m not sure if I appreciated it. The thing is, regardless of how I felt about his gesture, his intention was the same. I was judging his actions because underlying our relationship was a lack of respect. I questioned if he had my best interests at heart.

It took me a long time to process the lessons from this relationship, and I can only say this in hindsight, but a recurring theme I felt during our relationship was this: I benefited him in certain ways, he benefited me in certain ways, and we were together because we both couldn’t do any better. This is not a relationship based on respect. This is why we were both always trying to change each other.

Respect = I give you freedom to be who you are

When you don’t have respect, you second-guess. Seeing the best in a person feels forced and difficult. When there is respect, seeing the best in them feels effortless and easy. As strange as it may sound to draw an analogy between work and love, it’s similar with bosses and colleagues too: if we respect them, taking criticism and feedback feels easier. If we don’t respect their judgement or their style of leadership, we’re always feeling frustrated and attacked by them.

Another 88-year old senior interviewed in the book summed it up well: