Behind the White Picket Fence: we’re all pandemic children living in a dysfunctional family
By: Jason B. Hobbs Lcsw
Tags: Alcoholic, Politics, Therapy, Georgia, Psychology

Claudia Black is one of the best writers about dysfunctional families. Her book It Will Never Happen to Me is a primary text for those who were raised by alcoholics or those trying to understand someone in their life who had this experience.

And although these “rules” are not framed and hung on the wall, everyone knows/feels “the rules” that the dysfunctional/alcoholic family lives by:

Don’t talk. Don’t trust. Don’t feel.

These rules end up being a point of gravity that the family moves around, maybe not being able to see “the rules”, but knowing their presence. And especially when you violate “the rules”, there is a quick effort to bring you back into the orbit around what keeps everyone “happy”.

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

Don’t Talk!

If my own social media feed is any indication, people are talking about our leader’s decisions on reopening for business. Yet talk quickly moves to sniping and arguing in some perceived battle between wanting to provide for their family and accusing others of killing grandma.

“The rule” about “don’t talk” attempts to enforce agreement. There is a protection that the “adult” enjoys in a dysfunctional system. We all know that there is something wrong, but we cannot talk about it. Talking about it brings conflict, which hurts and harms the “children” in this family system.

This “rule” also helps keep up the appearance of the white picket fence. We all love the fantasy of “everything is just fine”; talking about the problem means that we can’t hold up the fantasy image of our family.

Photo by Jannis Lucas on Unsplash

Don’t Trust!

In a family with dysfunction/difficulty, there is an implicit (but sometimes explicit) effort not to rely on anyone outside of the family. “You take care of yourself and your family” can be the motto.

Some southern states are especially prone to this sort of “leave us alone” mentality that includes a rigid social structure.

This adds to the pressure in a dysfunctional/alcoholic family in that the person in charge demands your trust … even if you can clearly see that they are not worthy of that trust.

The white picket fence is further maintained because those within the family do not “trust” others to help them. You stay inside and are told to not trust anyone outside “the family”.

Photo by Cristian Newman on Unsplash

Don’t Feel!

Most children in a dysfunctional family will hold all of these difficult feelings inside. On the outside, these children may seem to be “just fine”.

But inside, they “feel” all of it, yet are not allowed to express any of those feelings.

And then we are surprised when “children” in these families show their anger. Or we ponder why some of that anger turns inward to sadness and depression.

Many of these children become quite anxious not knowing how they are “supposed” to feel and trying to gauge what they should feel next based on what the adults around them are displaying. Especially when the “adults” (in state and national leadership) are arguing over funding for unemployment or what businesses should open and how or even arguing over “data” and medical science that should be uncontroversial.

So what do we who are children in this family do? We break the rules.

If the rules are “don’t talk” and “don’t trust” and “don’t feel”, then it is time to speak up when something is happening to us or others. We have to risk trusting others in our community to be able to handle our voice. And finally, we allow ourselves and others to feel what is happening.

All of this may be quite messy and difficult. The dysfunctional family prefers to live without conflict, to maintain the external white picket fence. But in the face of dysfunction, we often have to be honest with ourselves and our family members. We try to trust that we can hold on through the difficult feelings, talking through it all.

And even though that is a very hard path, this is the only way through to a better functioning family … and maybe even a better functioning government.