The Psychological Reason You Need to Ask for Inclusion
By: Zulie Rane
Tags: Relationships, Friendship, Psychology, Self, Inclusion

This past Friday, it was a national holiday. The sun was shining, I’d had some friends over for a cooling G&T, and at some point someone suggested we go throw a ball around in the nearby park.

Within five minutes, we’d packed up our fresh strawberries and drinks into a picnic basket, put on our sunglasses, and dug out a tennis ball from under the spare bed. One of my friends remembered she had a child-sized baseball bat she’d bought online by mistake. A happy mistake for us, as it turned out.

There were only five of us, so we balled up some sweatshirts to act as bases and started to play a very truncated version of softball. We set up a little ways away from other small groups of people gathered, so we wouldn’t bother them. No teams, just running and batting and pitching. We got through about two cycles of everyone having having a go at each position, when suddenly there was a young boy in the outfield.

“Over here, I got it!” he shouted indiscriminately, waving his hands over his head. We all sort of looked at one another and collectively shrugged and continued playing.

He was then joined by his little brother, and two other little boys from a different family. At no point did they get permission from us or their parents; they just kind of crowded in and asked if they could get a chance to bat, and if we could form teams, and if so, could the team name be Sexy Unicorns, no, Cats in Pants, no Champion Cats in Pants.

There were nine of us now, so we split up into teams, captained by Charles (age 10) and Keton (age 6). There was a bit of doubt on whether they wanted to draft their friends or an adult, but everyone got picked for a team in the end, and we set some ground rules. Sofia, one of my friends who captains a softball team, quickly gave the boys some instructions on how to pitch and the best way to bat.

In the end, the Sexy Unicorns defeated the Champion Cats in Pants, 9–6. We went our separate ways, a little sunburned, a little surprised by the turn of events, but happier for it.

We never thought to ask if they wanted to join us.

First of all, it would probably be a little creepy for a bunch of adults to ask four youngish boys to join our game of softball. But secondly, it didn’t even occur. I can’t even say we didn’t think they’d be interested — it was more that I didn’t even think of them. I was totally happy with the five of us playing. The boys seemed perfectly happy kicking a ball around on their own, and it honestly didn’t cross my mind to ask if they wanted to join our little group.

So it was a surprise when they simply ran up and joined our crew, shouting vaguely baseball-esque cries such as “Strrrrike!” and “Hey, batter batter batter, swing!” at irrelevant points of the game.

It would have been easy for us to exclude them. Their parents were hovering nearby, anxiously watching our faces for disapproval. But just because we didn’t think to invite them, didn’t mean they weren’t welcome. Sofia divvied out positions and within a minute they were part of the game, officially.

Don’t take it personally if you’re not invited.

I am guilty of this kind of self-sabotaging. Whenever I don’t get invited to events, or I don’t hear about a party until too late, or find out other friends went to the movies without me, I assume the exclusion was intentional. They clearly didn’t want me there, I think to myself, so I’m not going to embarrass myself further by asking if I can come.

Photo by Ismail Hamzah on Unsplash

The truth is, we’re not as important to other people as we think we are. Chances are if you’re excluded, it’s not personal: they’ve just forgotten for whatever reason. Maybe you weren’t physically present when the plans were made. Maybe you’ve deleted Facebook so you don’t crop up as an option to be invited to an event. Maybe you were forgotten about, and then the organizer didn’t want to draw attention to the fact you’d been forgotten, and so didn’t invite you at all.

There are a dozen legitimate reasons why you aren’t invited to an event that have nothing to do with you, personally. We’re just human, after all.

Kids know better.

When I was five, the way I made friends with someone was by going up to them and saying, “Can I be your friend?” Often I brought some kind of small trinket to sweeten the deal, like a bead or a coin I found on the floor. If I wasn’t friends with someone, it was only because I hadn’t gotten round to asking yet.

At some point in the intervening two decades, my perspective changed. If I’m not friends with someone, it feels deliberate on their part. Now, if I want to become friends with a person, I have to carefully, almost surgically, be near them at strategic intervals (but not too, near; don’t want to annoy them). I need to say funny things to them (but a very vague sort of humor, never know what they don’t find funny). Finally, the day will come when I can consider us “friends” and be invited to their birthday parties.

Photo by Amy Shamblen on Unsplash

If I’m not invited at that point, I don’t even dream of asking. I never assume that I’d be included if I were to ask. Honestly, I don’t dare. Even knowing that one of my friends who came to my picnic party was only invited at the last minute because I forgot to invite him, I still hesitated before asking if I could come on a run with him.

He said yes, for the record.

As children, if we wanted something, we asked for it. We took action to make friends, join groups, go to parties and start games. We didn’t worry about the politics of groups, we just assumed we cold be friends with just about anyone.

Start by assuming the answer is yes.

Ask for help. Ask to go to parties. Ask if you can attend that special board meeting at work. And you know why?

Because people will say yes.

“Asking for what you want is highly correlated with getting it.” — Thomas T. Hills, professor of psychology at the University of Warwick

As kids we understand this is true. Unless there’s a good reason for saying no, especially if it’s at no cost to the giver, if you ask for something you’re very, ery likely to get it.

Psychologically, we’re inclined to be helpful, to give people what they want, to say yes. So while there are many different reasons someone may not have reached out to invite you, there’s no good reason not to ask for the invite.