How to Make Sex Better for a Woman
By: The Sex, Secrets Column
Tags: Relationships, Advice, LGBTQ, Self, Sexuality

1. I have sex with only a woman now.

For a long time, I thought I was straight. Once I got to high school and especially college, though, I began to recognize and admit that I was also into women. After having sex with a woman for the first time, I realized I’m definitely bisexual. I’m now dating that woman, Lauren, and we have amazing sex. After having so much sex with her, I realized that sex with women makes me feel more comfortable and is more enjoyable for me. Even if we break up — though I don’t think we will — I expect I’ll stick with women.

2. She plays with my clit more than she goes inside me.

While fingering hasn’t always hurt me, it has for the past year or two. I get nervous when someone goes inside me, and I recently learned that I may have vaginismus, a condition that can make penetration painful. While I feel disappointed by that sometimes, it doesn’t bother me too much because I prefer clitoral play. For 75 percent of women, including me, clitoral play is needed to have an orgasm. When my girlfriend focuses on playing with my clit, I have better sex.

3. I grab her boobs while she touches me.

I love playing with my girlfriend’s boobs throughout the day because I find it fun. However, I’ve noticed that grabbing them while she’s touching me can help me orgasm and have better sex overall. In my opinion, boobs are not only fun — they’re sexy, too.

4. We have less “no-kiss sex” and we tease each other’s bodies.

My girlfriend and I used to get into bed and go straight to sex. When we watched the episode of “New Girl” when Nick asked, “Are we finally going to have no-kiss sex?”, we looked at each other and laughed. However, over time I’ve learned how turned on I get from simply kissing her, so we began to kiss each other first. Additionally, we love teasing each other before having full-on sex, which usually looks like scratching each other’s upper, inner legs. By doing this first, we’re able to have more long-lasting fun and get more wet, making sex more enjoyable.

5. After foreplay, I go down on my girlfriend.

My girlfriend used to touch or go down on me first (yes, she’s the top in our relationship). Then, once I really fell in love with going down on her, we realized how wet and turned on I became. I wanted her to feel how wet touching her made me, and I also enjoy sex more when I’m plenty wet and turned on, so we decided I could go down on her after we engaged in foreplay. This has greatly improved our sex life.

6. We turn on only a lamp to increase relaxation.

My girlfriend and I love to look at each other’s bodies when we’re having sex, meaning we can’t have sex in the dark. However, having sex under the overhead lights will never be as sexy for us as having sex in low lighting. Having just a little bit of light — from wall lights, a lamp, or candlelight — creates a calming, sexy mood we both love. According to an expert, soft lighting can help people feel relaxed and less self-conscious.

7. Our “sexy talk” also entails simple compliments.

For a while, my girlfriend and I didn’t talk much while we had sex. We moaned and said a couple of words here and there, but we didn’t speak multiple full-on sentences. Then, one night, my girlfriend asked how I felt about sexy talk, and I was interested. We started off with more “innocent” talk, and she checked in on me afterward. We’ve amped it up each time, including not only how much we love touching specific parts of each other, but also compliments about each other’s bodies, moans, personalities, and appearance. This has become a huge turn-on I’m so thankful we now engage in.

8. We freely use vibrators and lube, and we don’t stigmatize anal play.

After using my girlfriend’s vibrator, I couldn’t believe how I went so many years without one. Putting a vibrator on my clit and moving it around feels amazing and usually helps me climax quickly. While I’m happy to use it by myself, I have even more fun when my girlfriend uses it on me. When we use it on each other, we remind ourselves that it doesn’t mean we aren’t “good at sex,” it just gives another type of pleasure.

The same goes for lube — we know that getting wet isn’t always in our control and that our partner’s inability to get wet enough doesn’t mean we didn’t turn them on. Lubrication makes sex more enjoyable, and there’s nothing wrong with using lube if you need or want it.

While we don’t like to stigmatize sex toys or lube, we also don’t like to stigmatize anal play. We always ask for consent of course and go slow, using our pinky fingers. It’s a fun way to switch things up. I’ve felt surprised by how good anal play can feel and how it can actually help me have an orgasm sometimes.