Five Places to Go If You’re Still Threatening to Leave the U.S.
By: Pam Gaslow
Tags: Travel, Covid 19, Humor, Trump, Pandemic

Get out already!

Photo: Dreamstime

Fake news, fake virus, fake tan, fake election. Now that that’s all over with we need to do some follow up work. Have all the people who threatened to leave the country if Trump lost left yet? If not, please hurry.

If you’re planning to abandon the United States as you promised, but aren’t sure where to go, I have already googled that for you. Naturally, if Trump had handled the “Chinese virus” better you might have had more choices, but c’est la vie. Keep in mind that your U.S. passport is basically worthless tinder and you are looked upon globally as a laughable, undesirable disease-ridden piece of crap, but nonetheless there are a few places who will welcome you, like fools, with open arms. Here are five countries to go to right now, with no restrictions. Don’t let their high Covid rates, raging crime, or any civil unrest deter you. You are no longer a proud American and you deserve to leave and enjoy your life abroad. Promises are promises and it’s time to get out.

Belarus — No Restrictions

“While in the midst of mass protests, the borders of Belarus are open to Americans.” Hahahah. Sounds perfect. Take your anger, guns and empty garbage bags for looting and go! From what I read their president is also in denial of Covid-19 so you will feel right at home and have a smooth and easy transition. They have had very few deaths and have lots of hospital beds so when you bring Covid to them they will have plenty of room to hospitalize everyone you infect. Be sure not to miss their sguschenka and glazed curd bars.

Mexico — No Restrictions

Travel Advisory: Level 3 — reconsider travel

Just LOL. Mexico — one of the most corrupt crime-ridden countries on earth is eager to have you, no questions asked. I heard Tijuana is great this time of year and the drug cartels are super friendly. Just don’t drink the water and watch out for the kidnappings, hold-ups and beheadings. Also, sombreros and castanets go great with cocaine and murder.

Photo: istockphoto

Brazil — No Restrictions

Level 4: Do Not Travel

Of course a country with no Covid rules or regulations welcomes us with open arms! The blind leading the blind. Brazil also has one of the highest rates of homicide in the world. Don’t worry though, you’ll be fine. I’ve been there three times and I’m still alive. Just keep your mask on and stay out of the favelas, unless you happen to have packed war gear and rented a tank.

Dominican Republic

Level 4: Do Not Travel

I don’t know much about the Dominican Republic. I was there once on a sober Club Med trip and I wanted to kill myself, but that’s not the republic’s fault. The Dominican Republic is known for its blue ocean waters, beautiful beaches and resorts, and the poverty that surrounds them. Medical care is limited, but they eat patriotic food. A dish called La Bandera, meaning “the flag,” is a traditional meal of stewed meat, red beans, and rice. I almost fell asleep writing that.

North Macedonia

No one knows anything about North Macedonia, or has any desire to go there, but that’s your free pass into Europe. Don’t fuck it up!