Domestic violence and how it changed me.
By: Jodie Raven
Tags: Domestic Violence, Feminism, Trauma Recovery, Trauma, Mental Health

Trigger warning for domestic violence, rape, abuse, self harm, CSEM, and substance abuse.

I’ve been wishing to tell my truth for nearly an entire year, and I just wasn’t ready, but now, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. Silence is just so exhausting.

I was a 16 year old enby who was very outgoing, popular, and kind of tomboy-ish. I Loved playing sports, doing laps, being the smartest in the room, and I loved myself. I constantly talked about my special interests. I read poetry, wrote music, drew, and generally had a blast doing these kinds of things. I was just a regular introverted teenager with a couple mental health issues and disabilities. What could’ve gone wrong? The butterfly effect.

In 2018, my house was destroyed by a hurricane and I had lost my cat in the storm. I was devastated, lonely, and vulnerable. I had lived and slept in a conference room at my mother’s office for over a week, then eventually stayed with my cousin and his partner in a one bedroom apartment for two weeks. I didn’t like having barely any space from my mom, I was very toxic, emotional, and hot-headed at that point. When I moved from my cousin’s apartment to a temporary condo I found sanctuary in an old friend, who I’ll call ‘David’ in this article.

David was so sweet to me when we first started chatting. He was loving, compassionate, empathetic, and cared about me, or so I thought. We decided to meet up again on the beach a few days into chatting. I talk my mom into picking him up from his home to come spend time with me. David and I got towels and headed out to the beach with me to relax. We looked out onto the water, chatted, relaxed and eventually had our first kiss. He told me he would never hurt me, because he knew I was already hurt. He told me I deserved someone to be gentle with me. I knew he was a taken man, I knew it was wrong, but I so desperately craved a home that he felt like home to me. It didn’t help that he looked like a blonde haired version of my ex. At the end of our meet-up we went to go eat dinner at olive gardens and drop him off at his house. The butterfly effect was in action.

We began seeing each other more, and began performing each other sexual favors. I began doing things I didn’t normally do, like wearing crop tops, tying my shirt up, wearing camis, skinny jeans, booty shorts, collars, makeup, etc. to school and when visiting him. We started off with small makeout sessions, then worked our way up to oral sex eventually. On my 17th birthday he gave me oral for the first time. He took me shopping for my 17th birthday and we spent a lot of time together. He gave me an ahegao hoodie and something else I can’t remember. A few weeks later, David told me that he dumped his girlfriend for me and I was so excited I squealed in the lunchroom and got in trouble. That week I went to his house to lose my ‘virginity’ (virginity is a social construct) to make our love official.

I started feeling weird symptoms within a few weeks. I was feeling very sick, fatigued, bloated, and hadn’t seen my period yet. I was weirdly out of it when it came to playing dodgeball with friends and doing laps. I was falling asleep in some classes, extra hungry, and extra grouchy. I started to realise I might’ve been pregnant. I told my mom and David. My mom guilt tripped me and relentlessly acted like it was my fault and David kept telling me he wasn’t ready to be a father. I was trying to find ways to get rid of the baby to make him happy. My friend gave me a pregnancy test and so did my mom. I took the friend’s test, positive, I panicked and did what I could to make my mom’s test come up negative. I showed my mom and David the botched test and they were appeased. However, I wasn’t.

A week later on David’s birthday, I wasn’t feeling so well. I barely ate any of my chicken alfredo from Olive Gardens. I felt like puking the entire time and I felt more than dizzy, while we were shopping around, I had to sit for several minutes. I was wearing a pad to prevent spotting, which I heard was normal during pregnancies.We stopped by a Starbucks and while we were waiting for our orders I went to the bathroom and my pad was filled with blood and what looked like tissue. I decided to tell David and he told me that I didn’t. I apologize for lying to him with the botched pregnancy test and he continued to tell me it was just a period. I know what I did was incredibly wrong and I own up to it. If G-d is out there it’s their job to forgive me. I’m not perfect. I decided to drop the issue and end our date on a positive note.

I continued to move from condo-to-condo, and we saw each other once a week. My school’s prom was coming up. I was not one for social events but I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to introduce my boyfriend to my friends. The day of prom, I begged my mom to let me stay the weekend at David’s place. She eventually said yes and of course, I squealed. I got ready in my black dress, black boots, black gloves, and a black and red fake rose in my hair because I opted for a goth theme. I didn’t brush the curls out of my hair for the first time in years. I walked down with my luggage to see him with his long curly hair down wearing a black tuxedo with a black and red tie and a red rose in it. I was defenseless. He put my corsage on my wrist and I nearly fainted. He met my friends, danced with me, ate with me, and we eventually went back to his house. His mom took photos and we excused ourselves to the room for a passionate love making scene. We enjoyed the rest of our weekend together, when it came time to leave I cried for hours. I cried for three entire days when I was back at the condo. When I was at his place something felt right, I felt at home. I told him he was my star, and he said I was his sky.

We continued visiting each other once a week with occasional sleep-overs. The weekend of 4/20 showed up, he invited me over to smoke pot with “The boys.” David asked me if I wanted to have sex after smoking, I said no, because we couldn’t consent while under the influence. He let it go and a few hours later on 4/20 eve, us and some of his friends smoked a few joints and I decided to go back to his room to relax. He comes in soon after me and begins taking off his and my clothes. I was very giggly and obedient at the time, because I was pretty damn high and the stuff we had may have been laced. I don’t remember very many details except he did it raw and made me give him head. But when we woke up naked in the morning, I was very confused. He showed me a video of me giving him oral with the most zombie like impression and some extra video of me moaning during intercourse. I was still 17. I brushed it off because “Its not rape if you enjoy it,” logic. I was so wrong.

On 4/20 his friends and cousin brought out the big guns: Dab pens, blunts, bongs, etc. One of the dab pens was 90% THC according to his younger cousin, who was around 13 or 14. I took a single hit and called it a day, because I wasn’t in the mood, but didn’t wanna be a buzz kill. David took 3 hits of the 90% THC dab pen and 4 bong hits. About 30 minutes later he was freaking out, throwing up, and just in pain. I was the only one helping take care of him, I gave him a cold shower, water, tried to feed him, let him talk it out. His best friend, who I’ll call Sam, was being a dick the entire time. Ordered food for everyone but me, and didn’t do much at all to help. The weed had him sick for two days straight, and I skipped school on monday to take care of him and make sure he recovered.

We were about to run out of stay from our 4th hotel room. So, David and I made a deal and let me move in with him while my Mom got herself another room. Worst mistake of my life. After a week or two, he started getting unnecessarily angry at me. By this time I was back to identifying as a bisexual cisgirl because, he told me that there are only two genders. I conformed with his beliefs, because I wanted him to stay with me. I was addicted to him. He would get angry with me over being a bit clingy, not wanting to be left out, and wanting affection and attention from him. He would constantly ignore me or tell me to shut up because he wanted to play video games. Me, being an affectionate lover, was devastated by this alone.

It hurt me to the core being starved of affection. Sam would always mock me for being clingy and scared of being left alone. In order to protect how David is seen by my friends and family, I filled my social media with happy pictures of us together. Whenever he was mad I tried to show them those pictures and beg for him to forgive me.

One day, Sam had gotten rejected by a girl and decided to take it out on David and I’s relationship by packing his stuff and acting like he was moving out. David said he wanted to go to talk to Sam alone and told me to stay in the room. I stayed in the room for about 5 minutes, but got thirsty and went to the kitchen for a drink. I passed by them and said, “hey, don’t mind me.” and on my way back I went up to side-hug David and he slapped me in the face. I began to cry and ran back to the room. I was panicking, I couldn’t believe he had hit me. I took a picture of the mark and called my best friend, Emilio, and talked to him about it for a while. He expressed his concerns and told me I should leave. I brushed the notion off and told him it was a one time thing. I am the most stubborn person on this planet.

David came back in and I confronted him, he screamed at me and said that I was the most annoying and clingy person in the world, that I was ruining his life, ruining his friendship, and that he wish the hurricane would’ve killed me when it made the part of the office building I was in collapse. I cried more, and he said it was my fault because I never gave him and Sam space. I apologised and explained how I thought they were cool and just really never got much time with them before moving in because of school. He apologized and begged me for forgiveness, and my dumbass did.

The behavior continued and my gallery became full of bruises and hand marks, so I decided to do something to appease him. I told him my uncle was a mechanic who could fix his shitbox of a car. I told him that we could drive up there and my mom could drive us back. He was so excited, the night before we stayed in the condo my mom rented and really enjoyed ourselves. We swam, enjoyed the hot-tub, enjoyed the gym, won me a stuffed dog at the arcade, whom I have named Molly. We also had a romantic evening looking at the city lights on the rooftop. I felt like everything was fixed. In the morning we drove to my uncle’s, dropped off the car, visited with family, and went back home.

A couple of weeks later, I was having a panic attack and tried to seek comfort from David, he told me I was bothering him and to not text him for at least 30 minutes. I agreed, but I was in emotional hell and needed someone there for me. I did as he asked and he told me that he needed a break and would be driving down to Orlando to visit his family for a month. I was honestly freaked out and told him I didn’t wanna be away from him for an entire month. He said he didn’t care and that I needed to shut up. We eventually worked out a deal that when he left during July he’d drive up to visit me on the 10th, 20th, and come back on the 30th.

Of course the assaults continued, I was a full-time drinker, pot smoker, and risking my life more often than not. I crossed busy streets, I climbed trees, and I went after authority figures. I was in bad shape. Skin-on-bone. My joints were all bruised up and I began having mobility issues. David and Sam taking everything out on me and constantly picking on me for being autistic, jewish, a “female”, etc. I remember how we bought a raft and planned to have fun in it by the bay. It was a windy day and the idea didn’t work out so well. When we got back he wanted to shower so I followed him so I could shower too. He yelled at me and called me every insult in the book. I was so used to him yelling at me but I still just sat there, crying and begging for forgiveness.

Sam proposed that we all go spend time at a spring that’s about a 45 minute drive away from here. I believed it was a good idea, because I wanted to fix things so bad. We decided to go to the springs and swim around, It was dirty, cold, and there were gators, however, a bunch of people were there despite that. Eventually, police escorted us all off because the lake was closed. We went to a Baskin Robbins and decided to enjoy some ice cream. I began to feel dizzy and once again passed out. Whenever I pass out I can still somewhat hear and feel everything around me. While I was passed out, they talked about ditching me there and were about to go through with it when I finally woke up. They looked confused and acted like nothing happened and said that we should all go home.

David was always begging me to try anal with him, but every time he tried something I told him it hurt. I told him it didn’t feel good. However, he continued. When he wanted to go the entire way with me, I stayed silent out of fear, and he stuck it in with little lube. I couldn’t say a word, I just wanted him to love me. I wanted to say no so bad, but instead, all I could say was, “It hurts,” to no avail. I just stayed still and dissociated for what felt like hours until it was all over. I rushed to the bathroom. Blood and other fluids poured out of me. I already had IBS but this had made it worse. I suppressed it for a long time.

Soon, my uncle said he was done with the car and was charging David when he said the work was going to be free. At this time David’s mom had finally come home from visiting his dad. David’s mom took us to my uncle to grab the car and as we drove it we noticed many things off. The engine was misfiring, it couldn’t make it into gear 5 without messing up, it kept throwing itself out of gear, the shifter kept falling apart, and while we were almost home, one of the bolts to the tires broke and that could’ve killed us both. David was furious and called my uncle screaming and cussing, but the number was blocked. David, his mom, and Sam kept pushing me to do something. They kept claiming it was my fault. All my fault. I kept saying there’s nothing I could do and David said I lied to him about my uncle being a fantastic mechanic. I remembered my uncle being an amazing mechanic, he could fix anything I believed. They held this over my head for the entire relationship. Later, he punched me in the arm over it and called me retarded and said my autism and my retardedness ruined everything, which was something he said to me often.

The last few days before David left for Orlando were painful. My new house was almost ready to move into, we were just waiting for electricity to be hooked up. I’ve cried so much in those last few days I believe I nearly landed myself in the hospital with dehydration. While we were enjoying Publix sushi together, I asked him to change his mind. And he quickly got aggressive and told me to get out of his computer room. I said no, so he dragged me out by my hair, then started dragging me out by my legs and kicked me in the chest for fighting back. Once I was out of the room, he screamed in my face, slapped me, and called me a psychopath. I found a way to pick the lock and made my way back in to confront him. I cried and tried to calmly tell him about how much he hurt me and how much I still love him and forgive him. David flipped and began fake crying with a fake panic attack. It eventually ended with me calming him down and apologizing for my behavior.

The next day, Sam said he was gonna leave us a text about how he feels I’ve hurt his friendship with David. I was not happy. I told him to fuck off and he is no longer welcome near me, which was something I said out of anger. David and I got into a huge fight which ended with several slaps to the thigh. I told him that hurt and he responded with, “good,” like he was proud of himself. I told him I loved him and that I always would. The next day, David and Sam bought fireworks for 4th of July and decided to play around with them. They were running through the firework fountains as they were going and decided it would be cool to push me in and see if I could run fast enough. Well, I made it out with minimal scarring and burn marks. I was lucky for someone in booty shorts and a short sleeve shirt.

When I gave my last goodbyes I cried, hard, I felt like I was losing an important piece of my puzzle. I sighed and told myself he’d be here on the 10th and I’d be okay. Well, I asked if I could stay in Orlando with him until my house got power. He threw a fit and said, “What the fuck is your problem? I did this to get away from you.” I begged and told him I had nowhere else to go. He told me it wasn’t his problem and muted me for an hour. I sighed, but then had an Idea, He was supposed to visit me on the 10th, so I decided to take a greyhound bus to see him for 4 days. He agreed and I spent about 200 dollars for two way tickets and brought 300 dollars for food, gifts, and fun.

I rode about 12 hours on a late greyhound bus and was absolutely exhausted. He hugged me, told me he missed me, and dragged me into his room for a nice love making session. We did many fun things, went to the international mall, rode the skywheel at ICON park, did pirate mini golf, explored the city, went to the world’s biggest mcdonalds, and just enjoyed ourselves. The wheel was so high up we could see the Everglades, Cape Canaveral, and most importantly, the epcot ball which makes me happy everytime I see it in person. I had hope for our relationship. I was so excited for things to come.

One of the nights I was there, we decided to have intercourse, I was enjoying the foreplay, however, I wasn’t ready for penetration. David penetrated me abruptly despite me saying, “No,” multiple times. My body enjoyed it, but I didn’t. I kept it together, because I didn’t want to mess up what I worked so hard on fixing. I ended up orgasming 5 times and believed that it wasn’t rape because my body enjoyed it.

I noticed something off about David’s family while I was there, they argued all the time. They would constantly insult each other, it ended up giving me a panic attack one night. They would even go as far as to say they hate each other’s ethnicities. It was fairly shocking to me. The worst part is that David told me it was normal and healthy for them, which gave me a shocking realization. He never had a chance to witness a healthy romantic relationship growing up, and neither did I. Some of my first romantic experiences involve grooming and emotional abuse and my parents divorced because my dad was abusive and a religious extremist. I felt empathy for him and decided to be even more patient with him and remind him how much I loved him whenever he got angry.

When I left back for home I didn’t wanna let go of him. I felt so scared that I would be away from him. I didn’t wanna be away from him. I felt like I needed him. I felt like he needed me. Yeah, I got a new house, but he was my home. Fast forward to the 20th, he wasn’t there, fast forward to the 30th, he said he wasn’t ready to see me yet, I lost it and told him that he broke two promises in a row. We had a huge fight over voice chat and he played victim and said I was attacking him.

He came back the next day, ready to move in with me, I apologised for yesterday’s behavior. He ignored my attempts for a hug and told me his pet mouse died on the 6-10 hour drive here in a car with no AC and blames me for the death of his precious rat. I did what I could and buried it in the backyard wrapped in some cloth. We unload his stuff and argue for a bit, he tells me that if I don’t shut up he’ll go back to Orlando. I shut up, we had sex, and that was that.

I started attending his school, we didn’t have very many problems until he went to Sam’s house for a weekend. When he got back I hugged him tightly and he said that I was being too clingy. He had only messaged me about 15 times the entire weekend and I felt lonely. I soon get a text from his mom saying that I’m too clingy and that if I don’t stop he’ll leave me. I told him that if he wanted to talk to me he could talk to me but if my family and friend’s aren’t allowed to get involved then neither are his. My mom already knew he was abusive, but she wasn’t allowed to get involved according to David. He made sure I was isolated and cornered, but was able to make himself look like the victim.The ironic thing is that when I contacted his mom telling her he called me a bitch, she told me that was my problem.

The violence got worse, I was pushed down stairs, slammed into walls, kicked, punched while unconscious, had things thrown at me, etc. We decided to get a job together at Sonic, on the first week of our job, we had homecoming off so we decided to go. He made me dress in ahegao hoodie and dress and he dressed in ahegao hoodie and ahegao pants. I wanted this to be a romantic night for both of us, however, soon he claimed to be bored and made us leave within 30 minutes of being there, and I had spent 20 dollars on the tickets.

When we got home, I tried to spend time with him and he lost it, saying that I was the most boring thing in the world and all I did was sit around like a lazy cunt. He ditched me at home to hang out with Sam and “the boys.” I sat there, alone, crying my eyes out. When he got back he insulted me and threw food at me and bragged about how he used my money to buy him and his friends food because “I hurt him.” I told him I loved him and that I was sorry and he lost it and said that I never loved him. I loved him with all my heart and I reassured him of that. He began to ignore me and I couldn’t stop sobbing.

A week or two later, David, Sam, and I were in the parking lot of my school, talking about stuff, when David says something absolutely awful, and I don’t remember what exactly it was, but I gently elbowed him to let him know what he said was fucked up. He punched me in the abdomen with all his strength. I stumbled back again and asked him why he did it, he claimed I punched him. After the bell rang I rushed to the bathroom. My stomach was so red, and my vagina poured out blood, it wasn’t my period, I hadn’t had a period in months. It didn’t look like period blood, and the bleeding only lasted a day, I put a pad on, tied my hoodie around my waist and wobbled to english class.

Two days later, I was still in pain, but not bleeding. I had David rush me to the hospital. They told me that the hemorrhaging had gone but I still suffered from major abdominal trauma and that I needed to relax and prescribed me some pain pills. I had to return again because the CT scan dye they used gave me the worst allergic reaction and I was covered in red dots all over my body, I was stuck on steroids for a week and it was hell. David never took responsibility and in order to protect him, I blamed some student that didn’t exist. To this day I still get extreme abdominal pains.

As time continued, he’d get worse. More punching, more slapping, more insults, more hell. It never ended, any minor inconvenience resulted in me getting harmed physically or mentally. I was getting bad grades, he made me late to my morning class every day. When I asked him why he treats me this way, his exact answer was, “Because you made me this way, I lost my patience a long time ago.” I didn’t understand, I remember his very first promise to me on the beach was “That he’d be the one who never hurts me and keeps me safe from pain,” it was all a lie.

I finally broke down and told a classmate after David had thrown a plate of food at me. She had me tell the counselor and the Student Resource Deputy. After he found out I told him and his mom blew up my phone calling me a filthy liar and that he’d go back to Orlando if I didn’t shut my liar mouth. I tried to explain to his mom that he hit me, she called me a liar again, even though he has admitted to it in the past.

We went on a walk before he had plans to meet up with his friend Sam for waffles. I began having health problems on the walk home and he lost patience with me quickly, he called me a dumb crippled bitch and said if I passed out he’d leave me there to get raped by some crackhead like I deserve. He dragged me by my hair and when we got home he threw me across the living room and my head hit the couch hard. I was out for a few minutes. My mom witnessed and believed David was innocent. He dragged me to my room and when I woke up he began fighting with me more. After he left my mom and I got into a fight and she said that this is all my fault for being obsessed with him and that it’s my fault he hates me.

A week later, a few days away from our anniversary, I had my breaking point. I was tired. At this point I knew that he was cheating on me, he beat me, he raped me, and I was tired. That day he decided to go to Walmart without even letting me know, which I thought was rude, not only that, but my mom knew and gave him money. I was really mad. When he came back I tore into him and asked him why he never told me, his excuse was that I would ask to go with him. I hated both him and my mom at this point. He smacked my face and told me I was a cunt, a stupid bitch, a tyrant, a retard, a whore, a liar, a manipulative little cunt.

I threatened to call the cops, and he began fake crying and pinned me to the bed begging me not to and threw my phone across the room. I kicked him in the balls and threw him off me. I cussed him out and told him that he couldn’t control me. He told me that he was going to his friend’s to cool off and after he left I called the cops and told them everything. When the cops showed up I told them what happened and that I wanted to press charges, also gave them his license plate number. The cop told me they couldn’t charge him for what happened in his old house or in Orlando, so I let that be and then sent her every picture I had of the markings. And that’s that. 10/26/2019 will always be the date of my freedom.

That weekend my mom had his stuff all packed up and when he arrived back on Saturday I told him he was leaving, and that I never wanted to see him again. I told him that if he didn’t leave within 5 minutes the cops would be here. He called his mom and his mom called the cops on me trying to get me arrested for evicting her poor baby boy. The cops didn’t take his shit though, they made him get his stuff and leave with threats of arrest.

I had gotten back in contact with a friend from my old school, who I’ll call ‘James’. We started dating that day, I came over to his place to get my mind off the whole ordeal. He was very nice to me however when he went to pet my head I would flinch. I still do that to this day. Every time I visited James he would push for more sexual stuff and I would push him away and get emotional or distant when he tried anything. He eventually dumped me because he was worried for my mental health.

The next few months I drank and I self harmed with my curling iron. I’d press it against my skin. I know I had friends but I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. It was always too soon. I could take half of a bottle of wine with ease. I had to use a cane in order to walk but I was the most rebellious seventeen year old you’ve ever seen. I stayed up late playing video games and drinking alcohol I bought from classmates. I also skipped some classes and did what I had to in order to graduate. The bare minimum. I don’t know what happened to me, but I wasn’t me.

I began to suffer from severe memory issues and even worse chronic pains. I had bad anxiety all the time and often had my friends take me to get lunch because I was scared of David’s friends. Even though he was expelled, his friend’s have stalked me somewhat, and always glare at me when I’m alone. Having a buddy there for safety was therapeutic and helpful for me. I wasn’t only aggressive because I was bitter, I was aggressive because I was scared. I had to guard myself and my heart. I looked so pathetic on a cane to others so I had to compensate somehow. I had to be tough with everyone. I was absolutely miserable, alone, and broken. David had killed me before I could’ve killed myself.

Eventually, after my 18th birthday, I reconnected with a woman, but not just any woman, the woman David cheated on for me. She reached out to me and asked me if I was okay. I said I was doing well and I apologise for hurting her and ruining her relationship of 3 years. I told her that that was not my intention and I never wanted to hurt anyone, I was being selfish. She forgave me instantly and told me that she was sorry for flirting with David while we were together. I forgave her. Her name is Sarah and we’ve been dating since the 16th of January.

She helped me quit drinking, quit self harming, and just made me a better person. I stopped getting so aggressive since she’s moved in and she keeps me calm. She’s helped me realize that I am not a bisexual cisgirl and that I am nonbinary and lesbian. She’s my world, we’ve been crying on each other’s shoulders for a while. I wish we could’ve reconnected under different circumstances but I’m glad it happened nonetheless.

I still, however, struggle with PTSD in otherways. If Sarah moves too fast towards me I’ll flinch. If I hear a voice too loud, I’ll flip around to see where it’s coming from. If someone I don’t trust touches my thigh or anywhere else that may be crossing a boundary, I feel this painful vibrating sensation that makes me twitchy. Sometimes, sex and intimacy scare me. I get scared when I wake up and see Sarah’s not there (even though she’s probably in the bathroom or kitchen). I have chronic nightmares and sometimes I see David standing in front of or right beside my bed at night, repeating insults.

Trauma has made my life a lot more difficult, but I still have hope for the future. I heard that David pled guilty, got 4 days in jail, got 1 year probation, and 3 misdemeanor Domestic Violence Battery charges on him. I also have a restraining order on him for safety reasons so he’s less likely to retaliate. I gave him thousands of chances to change and tossed him many bones, but you can’t just give people unlimited chances. If you give some people an inch, they’ll take a mile. I’m not sorry.