My Vagina Is Not Too Tight and Dry
By: Beth Daily
Tags: Relationships, Sexual Assault, Self, Mental Health, Sex

My Vagina Is Not Too Tight and Dry

Arousal after sex abuse.

Photo by Nine Köpfer on Unsplash

CW: the content warning is about child sex abuse, rape, and the aftermath and effects on the human body after.

Every time I have sex with someone new, I get asked a few questions. “Are you a virgin?” haha, I wish. Next, followed by “Are you sure you are turned on. You don’t feel right.” I don’t know how to explain to anyone how offensive it is to be told by seemingly well-intentioned men that my pussy doesn’t feel right, but I am going to try.

Growing up, I was sexually abused from the age of 5 to about 12 years old. I have been sexually assaulted more times than I can count on my hands. Being gang-raped leaves you with a certain kind of mental scar. There was no real education after all my sexual abuse that my body would render sex differently.

I get compared a lot to other women. I am frequently told how my pussy is wrong, or I am just not in tune with my body enough. I can get myself to orgasm in 3 minutes max with my fingers alone. I may not be very wet, but I can assure you I am entirely in tune with my body.

I think sex positivity is excellent. I support people who flow like waterfalls. I want people to understand that you should not use sex-positivity for othering. Per RAINN, 1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime (14.8% completed, 2.8% attempted). Statistics show there are a lot of sexual assault survivors out there. We need to talk about the aftermath of sexual assault.

For survivors of sexual assault, it is common to experience genital pain, tightness, and apprehensiveness when it comes to sex after the trauma. For me, sex is excruciating. It is not uncommon for me to bleed, have cuts, or to be dry. There are things I can do to lessen the effect of my body’s response to sex. However, anytime I consent to sex, I know I agree to pain.

If I tell my sex partner I am horny, and I want them inside me, I don’t want someone who isn’t my therapist or OB-GYN to explain to me my pussy is inept. Instead of shaming someone me for not being wet like your ex, pull out some lube. Listen to the person in front of you. They have been with their body since it was created; they certainly know themselves better than you do.

While it may be triggering for survivors to communicate their past abuse, it is crucial for medical professionals to know. I have gone to an OB-GYN for a pap smear. During the pap smear, the swab got stuck in my cervix. The doctor spent 20 minutes panicking, telling me I needed to relax because she couldn’t get it out.

At that moment, I didn’t have control over my body. It was traumatizing to have a doctor freak out while a swab was stuck inside me. I felt like I was being raped all over again.

Since that day, I found a new OB-GYN at the advice of my therapist. My therapist explained to me that people who are sexually assaulted often have trouble with arousal and pap smears. They can be very triggering for survivors like myself.

I found a new doctor and explained my history. My doctor understands how my sexual trauma manifests, and I’m delighted to say she has never got a swab stuck in my cervix. They offered full anesthesia for pap smears and IUD insertions.

Nothing is physiologically wrong with my body. I have had a lot of testing done and conversations with my doctors. I have buckets full of trauma that don’t make great first impressions. Sex is complicated. Sometimes I do get wet, but it’s rare.

To enjoy sex, I have to push through the pain. After penetration starts, I generally get wet, but it takes sex to happen first before my body can let go and be free. I love sex; it is genuinely my favorite thing. I am not ashamed of how my body performs. I am glad I can take back the power that was robbed of me.

I support people who are exploring themselves for the first time. However, I don’t enjoy men thinking that they’re my teacher, and they’re going to awaken my pussy for the first time. I don’t like the implications that because my body preforms differently, I need instruction.

I would much rather have a conversation clothed regarding sex. Sometimes I forget not everyone comes from a BDSM background where we all take half an hour questionnaires before even touching each other. There is something to be learned from that, though. Asking your partner five things they love about sex and five things they can’t stand in sex goes a long way. What does your ideal night in bed look like? Is there anything I can do more of?

If your partner can’t articulate what they like in words, ask them to show you their favorite porn. Maybe it is written erotica that gets them going. Even if you are vanilla, I think researching BDSM negotiation helps so much.

BDSM goes into a highly technical level of sexual negotiations. Where can you touch someone is common, also any triggers, and medical conditions are laid out. I know for some this may be overkill. However, it is a valuable tool for me to explain sexual boundaries. I use it for vanilla hookups all the time. So far, no one has gone running away if anything BDSM checklists and questionnaires have created more sexual satisfaction in my life.

Is your partner having a hard time but can’t say why? Make a safe word so things can stop, no questions asked. Have a partner who goes nonverbal regularly during sex? Give them a small ball to hold, let them know dropping it means sex ends no questions asked.

Life is too short for having lousy sex after trauma. I would rather have an awkward conversation thousand times over than be triggered or worse insulted because of my past. Being patient and keeping an open mind is critical. You never know what someone has been through until its too late usually.