We’re Going to a Birthday Party
By: Piper Shepherd
Tags: Super Birthday, Birthday

It’s been a stressful day. It’s been a stressful year. They talked about corona virus and the election all day and then I dropped my phone in a bucket of bleach, the day before my god damn birthday.

You can tell I take my birthday very seriously, because I am clearly lacking enough attention on literally all of the other days of the year. It’s sad that yesterday after my phone’s tragic death, that all I wanted for my god damn birthday was for people to be nice to me. Not passive aggressive, not faux-sympathetic, just fucking nice to me because I deserve it. It is really a simple package of ethics.

Two nights ago at an open mic this really annoying guy bought me a drink and offered me beer money and it was one of the nicest things anyone could ever do for me. I feel bad for finding him annoying, because I knew why he was annoying, and I also knew how to tell a person to chill the fuck out. But I never told the guy to just like, chill the fuck out. And by not telling him that I was doing both of us a disservice. It made me get way more mad because I let him keep being annoying, and that dude knows he’s got a mental thing going on and can’t help it unless someone tells him to knock it off. Tell people to knock their shit off and see if it works. Odds are good. Some people aren’t assholes they’re just like a handful.

I would go so far as to say, I am also a handful. I’ve been trying really hard to talk less because I know the velocity at which my own voice becomes annoying. Incessantly so, even. You cling to certain topics in your head because you’re good at talking about them and it feels good. You cling to anything that’s good until you bleed out all of your serotonin. I don’t have that fucking much serotonin.

And then a fun thing starts happening when you actually lose all of your serotonin and your brain starts trying to replace the chemicals. It’s when you go from thinking you’re insane to actually being insane.

I lost my phone and immediately lost my shit. I have had a prepaid Walmart phone for the last 11 years. I live in a city without Walmarts and take the bus. So I can’t like, navigate out to the suburbs to a Walmart. And also, I don’t have any money! What phenomenal luck, what perfect timing. The day before my biggest Facebook notification day of the year. The day when everyone suddenly forgets about how much they don’t like you. I like to seize the opportunity when I can.

Look at me, look at me.

I’m having a bit of a hard time looking at myself. Something always hurts to look at. I am turning into my dead grandmother, grandmother dead as of March last year. I spent a lot of time in that ghost house after it happened. I caught some relative ghosts for sure. Gotta love Cordova.

She died from cancer. I really I hope *I* don’t get cancer. But there is the flu going around. The evil and murderous flu. All happening in my own damn state. Looks like all of Washington had a “look at me, look at me” moment. And then I lost my phone to the corona virus. I mean, it fell into a bucket of bleach. Because one of my zipper pockets accidentally became unzipped. Everything was just falling out of them all day. And I fucked up. But like, come on man! It’s the day before my damn birthday! What the fuck. Not nice. I’m broke as shit and waiting to get paid from this damn job and I don’t wanna be without a phone.

Though this entire situation is making me psychotic, or rather, BECAUSE this situation is making me psychotic, I think the world is trying to talk to me. And the world is from the South. A place without cool updated cell phones like ours. They are a few years behind on stuff in Alabama. A place where some people actually just live ferally in the woods. The last time I was in Alabama all I did was sit on a swing in the woods for two straight days. It was nice as hell. Maybe I need to get back in touch with some roots, man.

I’m also having fever dreams every night. 25 was a long year. I’m ready to bury the hatchet. I’m 26 now and I’m ready to hold my head down and get my fucking shit together. Please God, if you could help me get my shit together, I have no other invisible friends left to talk to. I need something nice to happen.

Also if you live in Seattle come to my early as shit birthday party today at Raney’s at 3:30. Today, the day of our lord, Denver, Colorado. #303