My Nervous System Needs To Talk
By: Max K. Erkiletian
Tags: Humor, Neuroscience, Relationships, Brain, Psychology

My Nervous System Needs To Talk

He Just Has To Get This Off My Chest

Photo by camilo jimenez on Unsplash

Hi, I’m Max’s nervous system. No this is not a Reader’s Digest parody. I just have to vent.

Sometimes Max does not work the way he should and that drives me nuts.

The other day, for example. You know he spends a lot of time alone writing things. You might think that would be stimulating to me, but have you seen some of the stuff he writes?

The point is, I don’t think he’s getting enough human interaction. So, when he does encounter someone, it can result in an embarrassing and frustrating experience. Take yesterday for instance.

We were going to the mailbox and happened to see a neighbor.

It could have been quick:

“How ya doin’?”

“I’m fine. How about you?”

“Doing well, thanks.”

That’s pleasant, efficient, and not embarrassing. But ol’ Max couldn’t leave it at that. He had to actually tells this guy how he was feeling.

“I’ve gotten out of my routine,” said Max. “I haven’t worked out for a couple of days and my back is letting me know.”

“Oh,” said the other guy, “You work out?”

For cryin’ out loud! This guy didn’t get the message that Max would answer his questions? Sometimes in great detail?

That was all Max needed. He was off and running. He’s like the person you ask for the time and they tell you how a watch is made.

I could tell Max’s mouth was moving and something was gushing out of it, but I didn’t care what it was. I just wanted it stopped.

I put in a 911 call to his brain.

“This call may be recorded for training purposes.

Max’s brain is engaged right now. Your call is important to us neurons and we will take your call in the order in which it was received.

Your estimated wait time can not be determined, because Max’s mouth is spewing stuff out like the mighty Niagara going over the falls.”

I wanted to hang on and listen to the hold music because it was that 80s one-hit-wonder “Hold On Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners. But I had to make him stop.

As a neuro system, I tend to be the physical type, but, still on hold to his brain, I decided to try something spiritual.

Perhaps an appeal to his empathy for the suffering of others would make him stop tormenting that poor man.

I called his soul.

No luck on the soul. He had spotted the trouble early and made his exit. When I found him, he was having an out of body experience and had got tangled up in the branches of a tree overhead.

I knew the soul was as troubled as me. He was shouting in tones no one could hear, “Max, shut up! Please stop talking!”

Meanwhile, Max’s tongue was still going like it was trying the beat his brains out from the inside. The fellow listening to this tirade had the look of an animal in a snare about to gnaw his foot off.

When Max gets going like that, he can become nonsensical. He’s not far from that on a good day.

I was still on hold with Max’s brain. My God, now it was playing “Rockstar” by Nickelback. Things were getting worse.

Nickelback. Back. Then I had it. His back. I have total control there. His back is his Achilles Heel.

It just took one sharp tweak. Max flinched and the listener was free.

Max’s spirit fell out of the tree and returned to its rightful place.

A customer service neuron came on the line from the brain.

“Thank you for holding. What is your emergency?”

“No emergency,” I said. “But could you play something soothing like Debussy?”

Max muttered a reproach to himself for neglecting his work out routine and we got the mail.