The Emptiness of a Phase in Life
By: Arini Santosa
Tags: First Post, Life

I have had this “essay” on my laptop for quite sometime and wanted to share it even though no one will read it. It was a few months back, when I felt lost and was buried in the insecurity of dreaming. The insecurity of when you dream of something but it doesn’t go the way you wanted. That insecurity.

It went like this.

As life goes on, you would think a lot about the future. Whether you want to continue life just the way it is or take a turn by auditioning to that local drama club you’ve been eyeing and create a little hope that maybe one day, you could become the superstar you have been dreaming since you were 7. But instead, you continue life as it is and hopefully survive. Currently I’m at a phase where I am thinking a lot on where I want to go, how I want to live it, and whether this road is the road that I want to go through for the rest of my life.

It’s crazy how life would put you in a house full of scholars who talk about the politics, science, or how their patients were doing that day, imagining how it would feel like acting professionally, write screenplays or songs, and dance on Broadway. Occasionally, the incapability of putting your interest on the few topics on the dinner table makes you think. Days and nights are crowded with thoughts of curiosity of the future.

I remember when I first watch a film in the cinema. When I watch people perform on stage. I felt their happiness. Do I worthy of that happiness? I want to become an artist, but I don’t have the talent. I want to train, but I don’t have the confidence. I want to show myself to the world, but I’m afraid of the society’s reaction of me. I want to inspire people, but I don’t even inspire me. How does one have so much desire but is scared to achieve it? Is fear really that powering? My undesired cowardice creates the feeling of emptiness when fullness is what covets.

I’m currently at a place where people would say that I should be grateful, which I am, but don’t one ever think how life would be if it goes differently? As a matter of fact, I love being in my major. I really do enjoy it, it somehow suits me. Though, it’s the what ifs that occupies me.

The main reasons of why I’m still surviving in my major is that I like most of the courses (I am very interested in the courses given. I like it but it doesn’t mean I’m good at it), my friends, my family’s support, but mainly because of the reports writing. I love learning new things but I really do cherish writing. Typing on the computer with ambienece ASMR through my ears, a drink by my side, and a comforting environment. Writing focuses me on words and creating a story, which what fascinates me at times. I’m motivated because of my affection in writing with the given topics. But would writing help me in such situation?

I made the essay thinking that I knew what I wanted to do in life when I actually don’t. I do want to be an actress but why am I so afraid to work for it? The reasons why I would love to become an actress is because of my interest in films. The way it’s made, the way people act. But doesn’t mean I’m good at it. The same goes with my interest in my major, I like my major, I am very interested with it, but I really need to put super extra work in it. I’m just glad typing and making reports often occurs.

Unlike my friends who understands the courses on the spot, I need to re-read, re-do, re-everything to understand it. That insecurity really crushes me at times.

Most people would say as that I am fortuitous, but does that mean I can’t feel emptiness? I worked hard, right? Shouldn’t I be grateful? Does emptiness purposes ungratefulness? When a philanthropist says “You are your worst enemy”, does feeling empty acknowledges the statement?

Juggling with the feeling of emptiness creates confusion and an ambition to escape. I always ponder on when I go places of whom many would dream, it would assure me on what I need to be doing in life.

Would it? I believe it would, who knows? Should I forgive myself for being both hard and easy? Instead of dreaming of the unreachable, why not try to work for it? I am a person of dreams. Should I do both, why not? Maybe I should write more, work harder. I’ll get through it. One day, I will find me. It’s astonishing how “Work harder” and “One day” are always spoken when “You worked hard” and “Day one” are what longed.

At times, being at this age, you would think that life decisions should be made and you wouldn’t be able to change it. But it’s wrong. Oh, it’s so wrong.

In fact, being young is an opportunity to explore your desires. There is no deadlines (unless it is, but it doesn’t stop there). The world is full of knowledge and experiences.

I just felt like many people are in a slump because they see other people succeeding but they’re not even a bit there. It common, who wouldn’t feel like that.

However, each person have their own paths. Some have their life put in order at a young age, some at an older age. People have their own success in their own time. Never give up. This is the road. Now, make it yours.