All The Stars
By: Fatima Patel
Tags: Romance, Teens, Mystery, Thriller

Love is a strange concept that I can not really grasp.

When I was twelve-years-old, I thought I was in love, my joyful heart would burst as I shouted ‘I love you’ to the unsuspecting boy who had befriended me for a mere few days. Turns out that at such a young age, my perspective of love seemed to be when someone liked me enough to actually acquaint themselves with me.

So when I turned up at my mother’s bedroom door after school one day, tears streaming down my face because a guy named Tommy didn’t want to be friends with me anymore, I claimed it as being heartbroken.

At this bold statement my mother simply looked down at me in a comical way before ushering me inside with her to explain what love actually is as best as she could to a twelve year old.

But what really is love?

Now, at seventeen years of age, many different versions of love have been fed to me, versions from my best friend and versions from my mother. Despite all these versions, love remains a foreign fantasy and portrays itself to me through heartbreak, betrayal and disloyalty. So to me, love isn’t what everyone makes it out to be.

This is probably the reason I stray away from love, allowing myself to become numb to the hardships of the world as I feed parts of my body to different stomachs. My body isn’t a temple, it’s what I use to derive pleasure for myself, and I clarify to the countless number of guys I’ve sexed that it is all a one night stand.

Elijah, my best friend of two years, knows about my provocativeness and he strongly disapproves. He’s someone that firmly believes in love and doesn’t foresee the destruction it causes. Nor does he see how he shuts himself off after a bad breakup, or when he was so derived of familial love he vanished for many weeks, not allowing me to know how he is.

I still resent him for that, he left me sitting on the edge of Sasher’s cliff for hours until it neared one in the morning, and he still didn’t contact me. Due to my huge pride then, I also did not think to contact him first to find out his whereabouts.

It’s alright now, or at least I hope it is. Elijah still has not properly explained why he disappeared so suddenly, all he did was turn up to the cliff again one day and he talked to me like it was just a normal day for us both.

I didn’t want to make a big deal of it though, Elijah was the only friend I had and him being at another school is tough enough, so I’d rather not make things awkward by crossing a line asking him where he was. Being mad is never the solution, and I’m usually one to confront someone so it came to a shock to me when I didn’t confront Elijah.

Maybe it’s because those I’ve confronted are the people that constantly pick on me, ridicule me for expressing myself in ways that many are afraid to. Yet with Elijah, someone who actually associates himself to me, it seems to be harder.

Fast forward to now and here we are, sat on the edge of Sasher’s cliff at eleven in the night, just basking in each other’s presence once again. Every time we come here, I rarely get the chance to appreciate the view because Elijah and I are always bickering, or having heart-to-heart discussions, which he then becomes the focus of my sight. Even when I was alone during the weeks he disappeared, worried tears would blur my eyes not allowing me to appreciate the glorious landscape.

But today is a quiet night, and I take a moment to myself to enjoy the soft wind as it breezes past us and sifts through my hair like silk. The cliff is a rocky edge to the endless glittering ocean and the roughness of it would bother me if I hadn’t been wearing thick, comfy sweats.

It’s late enough that it’s very dark, and so the moon reflects off of the dark glittering water and a distorted image of it flickers into the night.

Releasing a content sigh I allow my vision to raise to the sky where stars blanket the darkness of the night, birthing it life and providing it serenity. Achingly slow, my head rolls to the side, resting my cheek on my shoulder, to see Elijah admiring the ocean where I was just observing, a thoughtful look masking his face.

To comfort whatever worries he has, I lean my head on his shoulder and give him a one armed side-hug before dropping my arm and letting my head remain in the same position. I feel him shift beneath me to become comfortable, before he himself rests his head atop of mine.

A small smile graces my lips at the familiarity of this, it’s been two months since he came back from his mysterious disappearance and nearly three months since we’ve had a comfortable sit down together.

When Elijah came back he was… he was different. His entire demeanour changed and he became expressionless, he would barely talk when he came to the cliff- aside from when he first came back and started the conversation (now that I’m thinking about it, it’s probably because he wanted me to think he’s fine).

It hurt a lot because the cliff is the only time I get to see him as he goes to Marlington College and I go to Franklin college.

I don’t see him during school, and we can never make plans during the day because his parents don’t allow him to go out on his own. Instead he has to sneak out of the house when everyone’s asleep to meet me at Sasher’s cliff. In fact, this is where we first met which should be obvious, where else could we have met?

Sasher’s cliff is a very well-known landmark that many tourists come to during the holidays and day-time, but at night it’s dead quiet. One day when my ex-boyfriend, John, broke up with me nearly two years ago, I wandered out of the house, too suffocated by the questioning looks from my parents, I had waited until they were in their bedroom before I left on my own to find solace in the night.

I stumbled upon Sasher’s cliff and observed how quiet and deserted the place was, and from then it became my go-to quiet place. That same day, nearing midnight, Elijah had been with one of his friends from college and he walked past me. The only reason he stopped was because his drunk friend had the urge to puke right next to me.

And he did.

Feeling remorse and regret, Elijah constantly kept apologizing for his friends behaviour, however, he had no clue what to do because that was the first time he had been at a party. His parents were under the pretence that he would be staying at a close friends house, which he later on revealed to me when he dropped his friend off at home and returned to keep me company.

It touched me that he even thought to come back just to check if I was alright, but he did, so we sat there until it neared two in the morning, talking about anything and everything on our minds.

I went to the cliff each night after that, just for a peace of mind, and he was consequently there too. Turns out he was sneaking out just to see me because he felt like it’s been a long time since he’s had a friend he can relate and talk to.

Since then, it’s become an unspoken routine.

Each night we’d sit on the edge of Sasher’s cliff and talk about what was going on in our lives, talk about college and talk about our family. Jump to two years of us being best friends and here we are right now, back to the same place except Elijah is now more reserved and seemingly on edge.

It worries me, but I don’t mention it in fear of offending him and him leaving again. But I shouldn’t have to feel unsettled anymore for he promised me that he won’t disappear again, and I seem to trust him on that.

I shouldn’t have.

“Hey, Eli?” Elijah hums in response, so I continue. “How’s Lawren?” I ask softly, and his head lifts off of my head, so I take it as a sign to lift mine from his shoulder.

Lawren is Elijah’s girlfriend, and from what I’ve heard, she has been really sick for the past week. I only know this because Elijah’s friend texts me and we chat occasionally. His friend was a really sweet guy, the same friend that puked next to me. For some reason, the idea that Elijah and I are secretly dating, or hooking up, doesn’t seem to leave his mind.

He once said, and I quote, “You guys gotta be getting it on like rabbits. There’s no way you can just ignore the sexual tension between you two.”

Since then I’ve been shooting him fleeting glares when he least expects it.

Elijah is a rather good looking guy, but he is either always with other girls or just plainly not interested. I don’t have a crush on him, but there is sexual attraction, to which I just fill the desire with other men who can satisfy me.

Elijah knows about my promiscuity, but he is a man with few words, so he just silently judges me through his expressions and I ignore it because what I do with my time and body is up to me, and me only.

He should be happy that I’m not up to my old antics; ages fifteen and sixteen was just a whole other story.

“I wouldn’t know Ava, I broke up with her two days ago.” My eyes widen at his answer. Elijah, as sweet and nerdy as he is, is insanely oblivious. He goes out with so many girls, but finds a way to end the relationship so nonchalantly.

It envies me how not one of his ex-girlfriends have been left on a bad note, mainly because Elijah is so innocent and understanding that they can’t even get mad at him when he constructs a perfectly reasonable excuse to break up.

Each time I try to sneak out in the middle of the night after spending it with a guy, they always become clingy and attached even after I perfectly stated before we got busy that it was strictly a one time thing.

Boys.

“Oh, I didn’t know. Steve didn’t tell me.” I mutter, mentioning his friend’s name, the same friend that occasionally texts me.

“You and Steve talk?” He asks indifferently, an eyebrow raised at me in question.

“Yeah, we text sometimes.” I shrug, trying to brush it off, still feeling bitter that Elijah didn’t tell me right away about his break-up, yet expects me to tell him everything about my love life.

Once again, a whole other story.

“Right. What about you? I haven’t heard anything about your love life, you seriously can’t be doing nothing.” Elijah asks, now suddenly so intrigued about my sex life, again. I mentally curse for jinxing it then decide to just tell him.

He is my best friend.

“I don’t really think I want a relationship with anyone right now though, I’m just having fun I guess. A girl has her needs.” I awkwardly chuckle, feeling totally out of place.

Elijah, himself a sweet innocent person who doesn’t even know how to play video games correctly, when placed next to me is just a striking contrast. We’ve always differed in our opinions, morals and personalities. He’s under the illusion, by himself, that I don’t act the way I do, that in some way I’m like him. That I’m better, like how I should be- or so he thinks.

I mean I am better, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my moments. Whilst I don’t do certain things I used to, I still have some parts of me unchanged.

“Wow, didn’t know you’re still like that. But that’s good though, it’s not like you believe in love anyway.” His words unknowingly makes my heart ache and a frown appears on my lips.

“I believe in love, but like I said to you that day before you disappeared, I don’t believe in soulmates. It’s different.” I let out, seemingly annoyed at the assumption he has.

“Right, okay.” He says curtly and I glare at him in annoyance at his weird demeanour.

“Why are you acting so fucking weird? You know, ever since you came back from wherever the fuck you went off to, you’ve been so cold and distant. And whilst I am still your best friend, I’m not here for it. You know you can talk to me, and if you don’t want to then that’s understandable but don’t blow up on me like something’s my fault!” I angrily let out, a weight felt like it was being lifted off my chest as I spoke my frustration.

He stands up quickly and shoots me a cold stare. “I have shit going on in my life Ava, you can’t expect me to be happy all the damn time.” He finishes off coldly.

Suddenly becoming heated, I get up too and I slightly tilt my head back to meet his gaze. He was only three inches taller than me, as I was 5"6 and he’s 5"9.

“Of course I don’t expect you to be happy all the time! You can’t just push all your anger on me without even letting me know what’s happening. Your problems are your problems, and until I know what’s wrong, don’t get mad at me when you’re the one being standoffish.” I finish off.

“You know what? Fine. I won’t put all my anger on you, whatever. Fuck this.” He begins to walk off but I shoot him a ‘what the fuck are you doing’ look. There’s no way I’m letting him leave again this time.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing? Don’t leave.” I jog over to him and block his way, my voice slightly cracking.

“Get out of my way Ava. Or you’ll witness the side of me you haven’t seen. It’s ugly.”

I stand my ground, not reacting to his comment. His eyes turn a shade darker and I notice his jaw clench in anger.

“I mean it. Ava.” I still stand in front of him, before he decides to harshly shove me and I trip over my laces to the floor. He doesn’t even give me a double take before he makes his way to his car.

I gape at him in shock, my shoulder hurting from the push. As he climbs into his car, his eyes remain on mine. I watch as he switches on the engine to his car. I watch as he presses his foot to the gas, and I also watch as he drives away into the far distance.

Shockingly it felt like as the distance between me and his car increased, so did the distance between our friendship.

I try my best to brush it off, but angry tears prick at my eyes and I stubbornly rub at my eyes, refusing to cry over him.

Maybe tomorrow night we’ll fix everything. He just needs to cool off and come to his senses. We’re fine, we’re best friends we have to be okay. So with the mentality that everything will be alright, I pick up my phone that I left stranded on the rocky ground, and I make my own way home.