A Guy Walks into a Hallmark Christmas Movie
By: Devin Dingler
Tags: Fiction, Humor, Romance

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

FADE IN:

INT. QUAINT VILLAGE TAVERN — DAY

The rustic interior is festooned with traditional Christmas decorations, including a large Christmas tree in the corner covered with twinkling lights and festive ornaments. The bar is packed with flannel-clad working folk having a burger and a pint on their lunch break as they catch up on local gossip with AMBER, the attractive bartender in her early thirties trying to keep up with orders and make conversation over the Christmas music blaring from ancient speakers precariously hung from the timber ceiling.

ASHTON walks in. He is in his early thirties, impeccably groomed and fashionably dressed-down, the very image of someone from the City trying to blend in with the locals. He strides to the bar, clearly in a hurry, and catches AMBER’s eye.

AMBER Hold it right there Buddy! I don’t serve young, attractive, successful businessmen from the City in town for the weekend to settle the estate of their somewhat estranged but beloved-by-the-townspeople grandparent before getting back for a big meeting Monday morning. ASHTON But what if I’ve been working my whole life thinking money would fill the gaping hole in my heart left by parents who sent me away to boarding school so I could get into an ivy league university and make the family proud by being successful, but now realize, after the imminent Nor’easter closes down the only road back to the City and forces me to spend an awkward night with you pretending that we don’t like each other despite both being super hot, that it’s love I’ve been searching for all this time and that you are in fact the soulmate I’ve discovered at long last thanks to a Christmas miracle? AMBER But you’ll want me to move back to the City with you even after I explain that I had to give up my own bright future to save this tavern when my aging father started to suffer from some mysterious health problem after my mother died and that I have to stay because I owe it to him and to everyone in this village who supported us through hard times and showed us the true meaning of Christmas. ASHTON Don’t you see that after missing my big meeting and being told over and over by my level-headed sister who somehow survived our domineering father and settled down with a loving husband and two perfect kids that “there’s more to life than work,” I realize my destiny is here with you and our future children after I use my business acumen to help save the tavern and add years to your father’s life so he can become the father I never had?

AMBER sighs and looks toward the end of the bar where FATHER O’MALLEY was preparing his Christmas sermon. After a moment, the old priest closes his bible, drains his pint of Guinness and comes around to the front of the bar.

FATHER O’MALLEY, putting on his coat. Well, we need to hurry if we’re going to get to the scenic overlook for the ceremony by sunset and then back here in time for the hastily arranged reception before your best friend CHLOE, the nerdy college professor who was always too shy and preoccupied with her studies for romance, shows up and bumps into Jake, the muscular but not too bright townie with a heart of gold who is just trying to save his family’s Christmas tree farm.

Everyone in the tavern cheers and claps as ASHTON and AMBER embrace and gaze lovingly into one another’s eyes as the song “All I Want for Christmas is You” begins to drift down from the frayed speakers.

FATHER O’MALLEY, as he is putting on his hat and turning toward the door to leave. God, I hate this time of year!

FADE OUT.