Songs of the Season, Part II:
By: Max Wheeler
Tags: Sports, Baseball, Mike Trout, Classic Rock, MLB

Songs of The Season is one man’s attempt to distill each MLB team’s season into a song. It will likely have no actual connection to the team, but instead seeks to capture the essence of the season, and succinctly summarize what it must feel like to be a fan of the team. The ultra-depressing Part I can be found here.

Author’s Note: As I suggested in the first “Caught Looking” column, sometimes life happens, and blogging takes a back seat. Unfortunately, just as I began committing to writing on here, life threw me some curveballs, and they made me look as silly as the Astros trying to hit Stephen Strasburg. I’ve still got a lot going on “off the field,” but I’m trying to at least finish the Songs of the Season before the absolute chaos of Winter Meetings and free agency take over, leaving the 2019 season as nothing more than a bat flip-induced fever dream.

As we move on from the worst-of-the-worst in our quest, I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The good news is that there is some serious positive energy going on with a few of the teams today. The bad news is that there was some truly awful shit off the field that will come up a little bit here, and that makes this whole process seems as silly as it truly is. But in this next group of five, despite their terrible records, we have real, legitimate superstars, all-stars, and generational talents. Which is good, because the playlist for Part I was pretty damn depressing.

25. Seattle Mariners (68–94, Last in AL West); “Who Are You?” The Who

Here’s a fun fact: on their way to 68 wins this season, the Seattle Mariners used an MLB-record 67 players. Take that in for a minute. 67. As in, they used one less player than they had wins. Despite the odds being heavily in your favor, I doubt that most casual MLB fans could name more than five or six players that appeared for Seattle this season. Once you get past the mainstays like Felix Hernandez and Ichiro, the impossibly-shaped Daniel Vogelbach, and the all-star caliber Mitch Haniger and Dee Gordon, it gets tough. Oh, you don’t know Zac “Totes” Grotz? Or Aaron Nola’s older brother, Austin?

All kidding aside, the Mariners actually played this year the right way, and made their intention to rebuild 1000% clear. Despite a 13–2 start that put steroid-era offenses to shame, this was never going to be the Mariners’ year. They traded talented players like Edwin Diaz, Robinson Cano, Jean Segura and James Paxton in the offseason, and parted ways with Edwin Encarnacion later in the year. Instead, 2019 was mostly about development of young talent, and saying goodbye to a pair of franchise legends. Ichiro got quite the tribute in Japan, and then former ace Felix Hernandez got his own goosebump-inducing moment in September.

Seattle managed to effectively and emphatically turn the page this season, and if they can develop some of the young talent in the organization, it may not be such a bad rebuild. But that still meant rolling out lineups in 2019 that appeared to have been randomly generated by the AI in MLB The Show.

An aside: if Felix Hernandez departs as expected, that means that Kyle Seager will be the only man left from the 40-man roster that GM Jerry Dipoto inherited in 2015.

24. Pittsburgh Pirates (69–93, Last in NL Central): “Runaway Train,” Soul Asylum

It seems no one can help me now

I’m in too deep

There’s no way out

This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train never going back

Wrong way on a one way track

Seems like I should be getting somewhere

Somehow I’m neither here nor there

Before there were Tweets and Facebook statuses and Instagram Stories, angsty teenagers used AIM Away Messages to convey the important reasons for why they’d have to step away from the computer. They’d share momentous occasions like “brb showering lol” or “OMG mom is making me do my laundry so I guess I have to do that <><.” You get it. Looking back, I’m slightly mortified by what my go-to away messages probably were, but I digress. I bring up away messages, and AIM in general, because sometimes, when feeling very angsty and hormonal, users would post really emotional song lyrics totally out of context in order to let the world know how how hard their life was. If the Pittsburgh Pirates had to post an away message for the offseason, they could do a lot worse than those utterly depressing words from Soul Asylum.

It’s amazing that such a catchy tune has such morose lyrics, but here we are. It was (sort of) fun while it lasted, but it looks like Pittsburgh’s competitive window has officially slammed shut. This team is a mess. There are clubhouse issues. There are off the field issues. And clearly, there is a problem on the field, because that’s usually the way you get to a very nice but very bad 69-win season (which included a 5–24 collapse that is truly, remarkably, terrible.) In the spirit of this exercise, I’m going to stick to the on the field issues.

There probably weren’t many Pirates fans watching Game 5 of the ALDS between Houston and Tampa Bay. If they were, their hypothetical away message might read something like:

</3 GC + TG + AM </3

The starting pitching matchup in that ALDS game was Gerrit Cole vs. Tyler Glasnow, both of whom were under contract with the Pittsburgh Pirates at some point in 2018. Tampa’s starting right fielder Austin Meadows, who just hit .291 with 33 home runs in an all-star campaign, was also on the Pirates. But alas, we can’t all have nice things. Pittsburgh traded Cole, their ace and a former №1 overall pick, to the Astros for a handful of Major League-ready prospects at the tail end of the 2018 Winter Meetings. The deal didn’t look great at the time, but certainly looks awful in hindsight after Cole steamrolled through American League hitters like Danny Almonte in the Little League World Series. Then, the Pirates front office said, “hold my beer” and sent Meadows and Glasnow to Tampa for Chris Archer in a trade that looked like a swindling from the second it showed up on the ESPN ticker. The Pirates had tricked themselves into believing they were a World Series contender when, my dear readers, they were not.

Now the Pirates and their fans are forced to watch from the cellar as their former players provide the spark for playoff teams. At best, it’s incompetence, and at worst it’s malpractice. I don’t know what else to say, so I’ll leave you with this:

Can you help me remember how to smile

Make it somehow all seem worthwhile

How on earth did I get so jaded

Life’s mystery seems so faded

That’s it. That’s the Tweet.

23. San Diego Padres (70–92, 5th in NL West) — “Here Comes The Sun,” The Beatles

Time to lighten up the mood a little bit! Last offseason, Manny Machado surprised, if not shocked, the baseball world by signing a massive 10-year, $300 million contract with the San Diego Padres. On the surface, it had the distinct look of a player choosing money and lifestyle over winning. To be fair, it’s pretty counterintuitive to hate on a guy for taking a $30 million per year paycheck to live in San Diego. But the Padres haven’t won more than 77 games since 2010, and have been in a perpetual rebuild for the entirety of this decade. So what was Machado thinking? Well, as the Beatles sang, the ice is slowly melting on the (metaphorical) winter of San Diego baseball, and the sun is getting ready to shine again.

The Padres’ farm system was ranked first by MLB.com in August, and that was after we watched a number of their top prospects find success in their rookie seasons. Fernando Tatis Jr. looks like one of the best shortstops in baseball, full stop. He was RAKING, hitting .317 with 22 HRs and 16 stolen bases before having his season cut short with a back injury. Tatis Jr. is a whirling dervish on the base paths, and every trip around the bases is must-watch television. NL Rookie of the Year Pete Alonso described him as being “like a Coke bottle… if you put Mentos in it.” If there was a League Pass for individual Major League players, Tatis Jr. might be the most popular subscription.

There’s a lot to love beyond the Padres’ superstar duo on the left side of their infield. As a team, they rock HARD. They also may have found their ace of the future in Chris Paddack, who throws hard, talks shit and dresses like a sheriff. Cal Quantrill, Josh Naylor and Francisco Mejia all showed flashes of potential to lead the Padres next contender, and there’s more help on the way (including Taylor Trammel, who just provided us with this incredible minor league moment.)

To take stock: the Padres have young talent, signed a free agent superstar, have lots of attitude, and the Sod Poodles sending reinforcements their way. Now if new manager Jayce Tingler can hit the ground running, maybe with one more free agent addition courtesy of GM AJ Preller, I think baseball is going to be alright in San Diego.

22. Colorado Rockies (71–91, 4th in NL West) — “Take Me Home, Country Roads,” John Denver

Is choosing a song by John DENVER a little on the nose for the Rockies? Sure. But I couldn’t resist. At least it isn’t “Rocky Mountain High.” And quite frankly, the Rockies, at least offensively, could benefit from spending more time in their home park. Because from a big, overhead view, their season comes down to the tale of two teams: the Rockies at Coors Field, and the Rockies on the road.

The Rockies starting lineup is like a star-studded ensemble cast for a movie, where you see the first trailer and instantly start Googling for more information. Sometimes, movies like this go really well. Take The Departed, for example. It’s a bunch of famous dudes doing Boston accents to a varying degree of success, ranging from Southie Dunkin Donuts employee to whatever it is Jack Nicholson was trying to do. And it worked. It won Martin Scorcese his first Oscar, garnered huge critical and commercial success, and is replayed on cable constantly (minus 237 “fucks”.) On the other end of the spectrum, you have a movie like Suicide Squad. I’m sure there are dozens of more reputable movies that people thought were going to be legitimately good before release, but Suicide Squad strikes a chord with me. For someone that isn’t big on superhero movies, the trailer looked excellent, and the cast (Will Smith, Margot Robbie, Viola Davis) was loaded. And holy shit was it bad. Dumpster fire bad. Or whatever this explosion was before a game bad. It was a massive letdown for everyone involved, and it’s hard to believe that someone managed to make such a snoozer of a movie with that cast.

*Another aside: I refrained from using ensemble cash-grabs like “New Years Day” because those movies are pretty upfront about what the product is going to be.

In this metaphor, the Rockies home offense was The Departed. Home runs everywhere you look. Unfortunately, their offense away from Coors Field turned into Suicide Squad.

I want to make something abundantly clear: they have a lot of offensive talent that would be good no matter where they played. I still think Nolan Arenado is the best third baseman in baseball, both defensively and at the plate, even though he had some serious competition this season. Charlie “Chuck Nazty” Blackmon is a great hitter with an even better beard, Trevor Story is one of the best offensive shortstops in baseball, and this team probably wins a few more games if David Dahl is healthy the whole season. They have a ton of talent, which is unusual for a team that barely won 70 games. And I don’t want to credit all of their individual success solely to the thin mountain air. But as a team, Colorado’s home/road splits are Looney Tunes-level eye-popping.

Overall, Colorado hit .265 as a team (t-5th in MLB), scored 835 runs (9th) and were just generally a competent offensive team, though their OBP left something to be desired. They were first in Major League baseball with a .300 average at home, along with 500 runs. On the road? An MLB-worst .230 average with 335 runs (28th). That’s AWFUL. It’s like downgrading from Pablo Sanchez to Reese Worthington. It makes sense that the offense would improve at Coors Field, like all offenses do. But for it to be that much worse on the road is a serious problem. And that’s really only the tip of the iceberg.

Despite their offensive prowess, the Rockies were just 43–38 at home (though, when compared with their overall record, a .530 winning percentage sounds pretty darn good.) So to focus solely on the offense turning into a proverbial pumpkin on the road ignores another glaring problem. Their pitching was bad everywhere. There was no The Departed version of the staff. Overall, the Rockies had the second-worst ERA in baseball, and the second-most home runs allowed (worst was the Orioles, who had a historically bad staff this season.) Jon Gray and Gabriel Marquez were the only passable starters on the team, but even they made the offense work for victories (Marquez went 5–2 at home, but gave up over six runs per game. And that still wasn’t that bad in comparison to the rest of the staff.)

With their offensive talent, the Rockies come into every year with the chance to have a season like The Departed. But that team is going to be expensive to keep together, and if they don’t add any depth on the pitching staff, they’re going to continue to leave fans disappointed. Take them home, country roads.

21. Los Angeles Angels (72–90, 4th in the AL West); “Here I Go Again,” Whitesnake

To tell the story of the Los Angeles Angels is to tell the tale of a certain Mike Trout, and the improbable lack of team success that follows one of the greatest players of all-time. “Man of Constant Sorrow” from the Coen Brothers classic O Brother, Where Art Thou? would have been equally appropriate. That movie is loosely based on The Odyssey and directly references Sullivan’s Travels, both of which send men on impossible quests and harrowing journeys to achieve their greatest desires. Sound familiar? My love of 80’s rock pushed Whitesnake over the edge, but both song selections point to the central theme of the season: What the fuck does Mike Trout have to do get a winner in Los Angeles?

Other than trade places with Cody Bellinger in a Freaky Friday-type swap, I’m not sure. Every season, I expect someone to come along and take his belt as “the best player in baseball,” and every year, he does something we haven’t seen before. This year? Trout hit 45 home runs in only 134 games before his season was shut down early due to a foot injury. But again, because of injuries, bad contracts, and bad pitching, Trout was on the outside looking in come playoff time. I don’t think his injury ends his season if the Angels are contenders, but alas they weren’t, and a career year for Trout ended 18 games early.

Trout is at a place in his career where, every season, he is passing Hall of Famers on the all-time WAR list. According to Baseball Reference, Trout currently sits at 87th all-time, sandwiched between Cooperstown-lock Derek Jeter (88th) and victim-of-Coors-Field-bias Larry Walker (86th). And he’s done that in only nine seasons. Another 8.3 WAR season like this year, and Trout will vault ahead of legends like Frank Thomas, Jim Thome, Johnny Bench, Joe DiMaggio, and Jeff Bagwell, to name a few. He’s no longer passing fringe Hall members — he’s starting to pass bonafide baseball royalty. Yet, every season, Trout probably has some form of “Here I Go Again” buzzing in his head.

And here I go again on my own

Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known

Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone

And I’ve made up my mind

I ain’t wasting no more time

Trout followed up an offseason in which he received a massive extension by hitting a career high in home runs. Somehow, the $400 million contract the Angels gave him last year already feels like a bargain. His only full season outside of the top-two in MVP voting was in 2017, when he only logged 114 games because of injury. Even that year, he finished fourth in voting. The writers may surprise everyone and award the 2019 trophy to Astros star Alex Bregman, but that seems like it would unfairly punish Trout for not having the two best pitchers in the American League on his team. Trout is built like a fullback and patrols centerfield like a gazelle, and he has the speed to steal 25+ bases every year. Yet, he’s still only made one playoff series, and played in only three ALDS games. It seems unfair. We are being robbed of seeing the game’s best player on its biggest stage. And despite his lack of team success, Trout keeps coming out better every year, hoping that eventually he’ll have a breakthrough.

Maybe this is the offseason that the Angels actually get Trout some help by signing Gerrit Cole. Maybe Shohei Ohtani takes another massive leap towards unlocking his potential. Maybe the Angels’ aging vets start drinking from the same Fountain of Youth as LeBron James and Tom Brady. Until then? More lonely 80’s rock for the young Mr. Trout.