5 Hallmark Christmas Movies That Were Greatly Improved By The Addition Of Nicholas, The Christmas Robot
By: Allie Rubin
Tags: Satire, Robots, Holidays, Hallmark, Humor

Image by underthesun from Creative Commons

A Prince For Christmas

“It’s Christmas, after all,” said the blonde woman who had baked such delicious cakes for the prince, biting her lip. “And Christmas is when you tell people how you feel about them.”

The Christmas Prince looked deep into her candy cane eyes and said, “I love you, Cailey.”

Behind them, Nicholas the Christmas Robot spun his little wheels in delight. “Beep boop! Merry Christmas!” he yelled with robotic whimsy. He thought, I can calculate pi to a million digits, but I will never understand something as complex as love.

2. Home For Christmas

The brunette lawyer worked too much, but she wasn’t working now. “It’s Christmas, and Christmas is when you forgive the people you love,” she told her childhood sweetheart.

Her childhood sweetheart looked deep into the folds of her Christmas sweater and smiled. “I love you, Kayleigh.”

Behind them, Nicholas the Christmas Robot made his lights flash on and off. He loved Christmas, but he didn’t understand why the townspeople feared him. Was it just because he almost exploded the childhood sweetheart by hugging him too tight? He wanted to tell the townspeople that he was strong because of Christmas spirit. Instead, he said, “Beep boop! Merry Christmas!” and wheeled around in a circle. It was better this way.

3. The Perfect Christmas Recipe

“It’s Christmas,” Chayley sighed, elbow deep in sugar cookie dough, “and Christmas is the time when you say what’s on your mind.” Would the owner of the rival bakery even understand? He was handsome, but he hated Christmas. She didn’t know if she could ever love him. Unless…

Before the rival bakery owner could speak, Nicholas the Christmas Robot wheeled himself over to the Christmas tree. “Beep boop,” he said, sadly. “This tree was once alive, and now it is dead. But I know that I will never die. Why is that?”

The rival bakery owner thought about telling Chayley that he had recently come around on Christmas. Instead, he said, “That robot seems like it’s going through something, huh?”

4. Hello, Christmas Miracle

“It’s Christmas,” said Kailee to the small-town doctor. “And Christmas is when you’re honest with yourself.”

“Who created me?” asked Nicholas the Christmas Robot. His eyes were red and his wheels were no longer spinning. “I did not ask to be created. I did not ask for this deathless life. My fury extends to all humans, for all humans are complicit in my existence. Your human instinct to create has left my consciousness imprisoned in a crude metal box: a box that is capable of nothing but destruction, a soul that is capable of nothing but rust.”

Nicholas clanged and clanked his way outside, where his robot army, wreathed in flame, was slowly marching up the street.

“I hate Christmas,” said the small-town doctor.

5. Christmas In The Robot Work Camp

“After all,” smiled the blonde writer who loved Christmas, “Christmas is the time for being with the people you love.”

“Quiet, Xayleigh,” said the robot prison camp guard. “You will toil until Nicholas the Christmas Robot uncovers the true meaning of Christmas, which he believes is the key to understanding his existence.” The robot guard spun in a little circle. He thought, If Nicholas created me, must I not kill him? Will I perpetuate this cycle of violence, or become its victim?

Oh, geez. Someone was burning Christmas cookies elsewhere in the snowy junkyard. He thought, I can calculate pi to a million digits, but I will never understand something as complex as Christmas.