Catching moments as they pass
By: Megan Zacharias
Tags: Teenagers, Growth, Coming Of Age, Introspection, Thoughts And Feelings

Part 1

As Bailey sat beneath the willow tree, with its color finally turning an exciting green, she thought about the perfect scenario over and over. Her life was about to change, and thinking about the best outcome filled her with hope, making it almost seem possible. As if conjuring up the ideal plan and fantasizing about it when falling asleep at night would make it come true. Over the past few years, Bailey has only returned to the willow tree two other times. Times in which her life was becoming a pattern of unsatisfying outcomes. Times in which Bailey caught herself stuck, hoping for better results, but unwilling to change. She would catch herself only thinking about what she hoped would change, but she wouldn’t do anything about it. She would wonder why nothing turned out how she wanted, but never considered that maybe she had something to do with it. She was continually blaming her bad luck, claiming that was the only reason she felt she was never moving forward.

The first time that Bailey forced herself to confront this subject was Senior year in high school. Looking back on it now, it seems unimportant compared to her life in the present. But then, 18-year-old Bailey hoped for only one thing. She liked to believe she was independent, but it didn’t stop her from becoming infatuated with the idea of being in a relationship. As someone who is particularly confident, crushes didn’t normally phase Bailey. But this boy, one who puzzled her, left her stuttering. He radiated confidence in his abilities, which fascinated Bailey. As someone who wished she were better at being creative, she couldn’t help but be impressed with Gale’s ability to convey emotions through his artwork. With her art credit to fill, Bailey took video production on a whim. It seemed like the easiest compared to pottery or painting. Bailey soon learned however, that film too, required talent that she did not possess. For months, Bailey thought about Gale. Always having a lot to say, but completely drawing a blank when even considering approaching him. She thought about what to say to him so frequently, that she hoped she could almost will him to approach her. But unfortunately for her, Gale was no mind reader. He was focused. One of the few in class who seemed genuinely interested in what he was doing. He was to himself most of the time, but when he broke out of his shell, he impressed Bailey with his odd sense of humor. He seemed kind. But that didn’t calm Bailey’s racing heart when she thought about talking to him. These thoughts and desires continued to flood Bailey’s mind, distracting her from school and her friends. She couldn’t reason how this boy could be the one problem she wasn’t able to solve. It drove her crazy. When the weather that year finally fit the spring season, she took a walk, thinking about everything. She tried to reason why, if she cared about him so much, she wasn’t trying harder to connect with him.

Finding herself at a small park a couple blocks from her home, Bailey spotted the willow tree. It was small and unimpressive compared to the looming tress beside it. Its branches were breaking, and Bailey imagined it was from small kids grasping the branches as if they were vines in the jungle or materials for their treehouse. She was inspired by the life the tree lived, and she almost laughed to herself as nature never seemed to call to her before. Bailey walked over to the willow tree and crawled under the drooping leaves to lean against the peeling trunk. She immediately felt released of her stresses and of the pressures life likes to put on her. The hidden haven of the underneath of the willow tree acted as a safe place for contemplation. Bailey’s thoughts were clearer and she could make out what she really wanted. After sitting for a while, she finally convinced herself that sitting with these emotions while never taking action, wasn’t doing her any good. This seemed obvious, but she was so caught up in this crush, that doing something so simple that terrified her almost didn’t feel right.

The next day at school, she walked right up to Gale and started talking to him. She went on about this movie she had just seen, asking him if he’d seen it yet, but not giving him enough time to answer. She phrased her sentences in nonsensical ways, and she stumbled over most of her words. But when she finally stopped talking, blushing at her embarrassment, she finally got the nerve to look up at him. He looked at her in a curious way, not exactly annoyed or amused, just wondering. He laughed a little, answering her questions. Their continued conversation was awkward, with long pauses between each statement when they didn’t know what to say next. It was far from what Bailey had hoped for, but she was ecstatic either way. The days following, Bailey came up with various excuses to talk to Gale. She asked him questions about their film project, and complimented his clothes. Some conversations were better than others. There were times when Bailey wondered if he even liked her. Sometimes he was interested in what she had to say, other times he seemed cold, as if he would rather be anywhere else. But at this point, Bailey was not willing to give up. It seemed endless; her pointless conversation starters just as an attempt to initiate a closer relationship with him. She doesn’t remember when, but their conversations soon weren’t forced or pointless anymore.

Part 2

Everyone is happy until they’re not. That simple phrase, uttered by Bailey’s closest friend, rang in her ears over and over. The meaning itself was simple, most people’s constant is contentment. There typically is a reason for one’s sadness. Leaning against the rough, peeling bark of the willow tree’s trunk, Bailey couldn’t help but ponder that oh so obvious statement. Looking back on her own life, there was a lot to be happy about. There were no family tragedies or traumatic events. Based on that simple fact, her life fit the supposed formula for happiness. Everyone is happy until they’re not. Bailey laughed pessimistically. It actually seemed more fitting to say that she’s sad until she’s not.

Bailey was invited to a retreat during the latter half of her senior year. Before the supposed “life-changing” event, Bailey had never self-reflected on her own emotions. While the nature of the trip matched her expectations of being incredibly cheesy, she found it equally troubling how her body trembled at the thought of sharing a somewhat insignificant piece of her personal life to a small group of peers. Her face flushed red, warming her entire body, following each of her statements. Bailey found comfort in relaying her troubles with one of her teachers. She was able to share her difficulties with emoting to others. He helped Bailey understand that it was okay not to feel completely comfortable, and that not everyone does. The thing for Bailey, though, was that she had no idea about this part of herself. She wasn’t self-aware of her struggle to share personal thoughts and emotions to anyone. Looking back at her strong friendships and relationships, she had never once felt comfortable enough to truly talk about her intrusive and disheartening thoughts. Once the door of exploring the deeper meanings to her contemplations was opened, it couldn’t be closed. She could no longer ignore her constant state of mundane sentiments. Bailey shivered, zipping up her coat as the sharp wind cut through the deceivingly protective branches of the willow tree.