I was raised by a Marine.
By: Isabella Rosa
Tags: Survival, Sexual Assault, Overcoming Obstacles

I was raised by a Marine. He taught me to be brave and that hell should fear me. I was raised by a single parent who was never home. She taught me that I need to grow up and I better do it fast. I raised myself to be resilient. I taught myself life was an asshole, but I could take it. And life is an asshole.

I only read about all the terrible things that happen to people, I always thought “that will never happen to me”, “things like that don’t happen to people like me.” But see, that is where life proves you wrong, things like that will happen and things like that did happen to a person like me. I was a good student, a varsity, honor roll athlete. I didn’t have many friends, but the ones I did have were all anyone ever needed. I didn’t party or drink, I knew that if I ever did drugs, the Marine, who is now a police officer, would have my ass. I only read about the terrible things that happen in life.

It was summer time, the summer of my junior year going into my senior year of high school. I was looking at colleges to apply to, looking at different military routes that I wanted to follow. I wanted to be a Marine and a police officer, I was interning at the police station the Marine worked at. I was finally going to escape and start my own chapter in my life.

I was walking down the main road in my neighborhood, it was around six o’clock at night. The sun was still out, but it was a nice temperature and the humidity had finally gone down. Other kids were outside riding their bikes and running rampant throughout the neighborhood. I was walking to a friends house who lived a mile down from my house, it wasn’t uncommon for me to be walking alone. I had reached the court my friend lived in when I heard someone calling my name. It was my friends older brother, I was not close to him, but we were friendly. He was with one of his friends, I recognized him but did not know him. He invited me to play basketball with him and his friend, he said my friend wasn’t home yet. I could see my friends house from the basketball court, it was down a path into the woods across from the play ground we used to always play at. I knew him and I trusted him, I never thought twice about it.

We played basketball for around thirty minutes, I kept looking back at my friends house waiting for my friend to return. I saw him whisper something to his friend, I was about to pull out my phone when he told me he wanted to take a walk around the pond and if I wanted to join him. I agreed. I liked the pond, it was a normal running spot for me. There were good trails and the trees kept the sun out. I followed him down the main trail, my main running trail, we were just talking. Everything was normal. We came around a bend in the path, this part of the path was hidden more by the trees. He grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to him. I tried to pull my arm out, but his grip would tighten the more I pulled. He tried to kiss me, I yelled at him that I had a boyfriend and tried to pull away again. He only tightened his grip and told me “it’s a little too late now”. He raped me on the path in the woods. I could see the pond and I could see a man in a kayak floating in the pond. I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream, but I was mute. I knew just on the other side of the pond, the police station was there. The police station where the Marine worked was there. But no noise came out.

When he was finally finished, he left me in the woods. He gathered himself together and left me where he raped me. I should of went to the police station, I should of called for help. I wasn’t brave anymore, I wasn’t resilient, I wasn’t anything. Instead, I walked home. I walked home and I sat in the shower attempting to get him off my body. I was disgusting, I was ruined, he took my virginity. The words “it’s too late now” kept repeating over and over in my head. When I finally got out of the shower, I saw a text from my friend. She was home the whole time.

I stopped eating. I wanted to waste away, I wanted to vanish. I stopped sleeping, because he would come back in my nightmares. I felt disgusting, I felt worthless. I felt like a failure to the Marine because I wasn’t brave, I didn’t grow up fast enough because I was dumb enough to follow him. I never reported him, I never talked about that night. My rapist got away and I still live with it to this day. I graduated high school at 95 pounds, no one wanted a walking skeleton. I hid this for years, this was my deep dark scary secret I kept to myself.

I’m now a junior in college. I still see him in my nightmares, I still live with a distorted image of myself, but I am finally starting to heal. Starting right now, with this story. I blamed myself for all these years, I kept this hidden for all these years. But this wasn’t my fault, it will never be my fault. I will never get back those years I wasted away, but I can start building myself back up now. I will never get justice for what happened to me, but I know I am doing better in life. I am beating him in life. I am in college studying criminal justice with a hope I can help those and keep others from suffering like I did. I am loved and I am growing.

If you are survivor of sexual assault, know that it is not your fault, and the pain is only temporary. I know it hurts and I know that it feels like the hurt will never end, but I promise you it will. Don’t keep it hidden, it will eat away at you, it will always be there. Don’t force yourself to go through this alone. There are people out there who love you and who will listen. Find those people and tell your story.