The fundamental lesson I learned about forgiveness
By: T I I S H Jo
Tags: Healing, Forgiveness, Past, Love, Bitterness

Psychologists define forgiveness as the ability to consciously and deliberately release vengeance feelings towards someone or a group who has wounded you, despite if they are remorseful and deserving of your forgiveness.

However, I, like many, struggled with forgiveness. Forgiveness had always been a foreign concept to me, something that was barely assimilated into my lexicon. Those eleven letters that form one of the New Testament’s keystone concepts and the crux of teachings at my Sunday school classes and the numerous sermons I had attended were etched in my mind. But no matter how hard I tried to practice it, I grappled with incorporating this theme into my interpersonal relationships. Holding on to others’ offenses served as a coping mechanism to insulate me from getting hurt and having scars inflicted on me.

But then, four years ago, something wholly altered the way I approach this process of healing.

I remember sitting at a coffee shop, studying for my midterms, when my eyes landed on the person, someone who had wronged me and inflicted a great deal of sorrow and misery. The person left without making amends for his actions, which made me embroiled in anger, bitterness, and resentment. Although we had not uttered a word to each other for four years, the thought of seeing him laughing, smiling, and beaming with joy pierced my heart; I was completely flustered. I could feel the wheels spinning in my head. Those happy images did not mirror the narrative I have envisioned for the person who had emotionally crippled me. My sentiment echoed what the author Terry McMillan confessed on the Oprah Winfrey show, after the shocking revelation that her then-husband of six years was gay,” I thought the more I hated him, the more he would suffer.” Except, the only person that was suffering was me. It has taken years to understand that the more I was angry and vindictive, the more I robbed myself of the opportunity to be happy.

Several days later, his essence lingered on my mind; I couldn’t shake the feeling that this young man — who I assumed felt my wrath and I thought that my silence was deafening from the other side of the room — was not triggered by our predicament. Seeing him reopened old wounds that have yet to be healed. Over time, the idea of forgiveness became less far-fetched and more palatable. All my excuses for not wanting to liberate myself from the past went out the window once I realized that I was a prisoner in my own prison of emotional pain. I knew that it was time for this emotional rollercoaster to conclude. It was at that moment I grasp the true meaning of forgiveness. However, saying that you forgive someone is easier said than done.

“If forgiveness sounds cute but is never cultivated, it is merely a concept.” Michael Todd

After repeatedly persuading myself into believing that I forgave him, the negative emotions were still taking up space in my body, continuing to fester in my mind. Hence, not putting this process into practice impeded my process of healing. After weeks, I landed on a book (cannot remember the name) where the author suggested writing a letter to either the person who has harmed or to yourself, and then burn, throw or bury the letter — a symbolic representation of freeing yourself from the past. At first glance, I regarded that exercise as foolish since I was still rooted in the mindset that I have owned an apology. Reflective writing has always been a liberating and cathartic exercise that enables me to release my repressed emotions and profound insights, yet I could not gravitate towards that activity. But once I started to meditate on this exercise, I knew it was a safe space to pour out all my feelings and be transparent with myself. After I reread the letter until I let go of the tight grip to find inner peace, I chose to rip the letter into pieces as a conscious decision to release myself from the past to move forward.

Transformational Forgiveness

In his best-selling novel, Think Like A Monk, Jay Shetty, a former monk and a motivational speaker, elaborated on the process of forgiveness and the factors that prevent us from finding peace with ourselves. He identified four levels of forgiveness, ranging from unforgiveness to acceptance. It is imperative to comprehend each level and its impact on our interpersonal relationships and overall well-being. These levels are as follows:

1. Zero forgiveness (I do not forgive no matter what). This step is characterized by an unwillingness to let go of the past and forgive the person, whether that person has apologized. This step is also where our Ego intervenes and attempts to obstruct the process of reconciliation by persuading us to believe that forgiveness is a sign of weakness. Our Ego sees vulnerability as a gateway that invites those who have wronged us to harm us again. Needless to say, the entrapping of the nature of the Ego permits anger, resentment, and revenge to cloud our judgments, which dampens our path to healing.

Not surprisingly, harboring ill-feelings towards others adds an extra layer of stress in your life. Not only is anger a burden to your overall mental hygiene, but it also increases the risk of heart disease, poorer health outcomes, higher blood pressure, exacerbates symptoms of one’s mental disorder, and dampens life quality. Researchers posit that forgiveness has numerous psychological benefits. It mitigates anxiety, depression, as well as physical health problems. Bob Enright, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin and the author of The Forgiving Life, asserts that “when you get rid of anger, your muscles relax, you’re less anxious, you have more energy, your immune system can strengthen.”

2. Conditional forgiveness (If they apologize, then I’ll apologize). This step is one where a majority are trapped in when they go through the process of forgiveness. People assume that an apology is needed before they can forgive the other party for their past transgressions. Once again, our Ego tries to soothe our feelings and protect us by demanding that others confess their faults. It wants to keep us in a state of victimhood. Although our Ego knows that we deserve better, it can obstruct our process of releasing the debilitating energies that occupy space in our minds.

3. Transformational forgiveness (I forgive you and expect nothing back). In opposition to the previous step, we finally find the power to forgive without expecting an apology in return. You finally take responsibility for your feelings and understand that some people will never make amends for past actions and do not have an ounce of sorrow for the pain they may have inflicted on you. Forgiveness does not mean that you have condoned the inexplicable actions or desire to reconcile your relationship with the other person, nor does it involve forgetting the offenses the person has committed towards you. Instead, forgiveness entails that you are abandoning the hope that you can change whatever transpired in the past. The purpose of forgiveness is to find solace with your past and free yourself from the negative emotions that had consumed your spirit. It requires that you understand that it holds no power over your present.

4. Unconditional forgiveness (I forgive you no matter what you did). The highest level of forgiveness is mostly associated with parent-child relationships, where parents always disregard their children, regardless of their actions.

As I ponder on this personal anecdote, the vital lesson that I cherish is that the greatest gift you can give yourself is choosing to set yourself free from the past to shift your focus to the present. Please keep in mind that forgiveness is not always a constant state in which you can forget one’s offenses as if it never occurred. It is a healing process that requires a hell of internal work where one can experience a surge of emotions, oscillating between anger and peace. Depending on the event on the relationship you had with that individual, the forgiveness process may take time.

What is your process of forgiveness? Have you ever written a self-forgiveness letter?

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