THE CHANGE I’M SCARED OF
By: Esther Bello
Tags: Change, Growing Up

I was a very boring kid. Never looked for trouble, quiet, all I wanted to do was sing in church choir and make sure I came home with excellent results from school. I never even used to play games in primary school; Ice and water, police and thief. If I ever tried it, I’ll most probably end up crying because someone pushed me. I wasn’t bullied or anything. I just wasn’t noticed. Zero personality.

I remember one time in primary 4, I tried so hard to be class captain. Did everything my teacher wanted and still kept up with my grades. She loved me (or so I thought). But I didn’t get to be class captain because she thought I wouldn’t stand up to any one of my mates if I had to.

Queens college changed me so much. I went there with my quiet, boring personality and Naomi made me polish her shoes and wear her shoes for her because she convinced me she was in jss2 and I had to do anything she wanted. She was in the same class as me. Funny how Naomi and I later became really close friends till we finished school. When I first started hanging out with Faith, If you asked who I was, you’ll hear “she’s Faith’s friend”. I didn’t have my own personality. Just plain. I’m not sure how it happened but I changed so much in senior school, it’s crazy.

I remember one time in primary school, my younger sister hit my head with an empty spray bottle and I cried like a baby and my mum told me to hit back and I couldn’t. And everyone insulted me that I was too soft and I cried even more. The joy I felt when I had a fight with that same sister, years later when I was almost done with senior school and I beat her so bad. So much of who am I happened because of the friends I had in secondary school and I’m so grateful for them. Even the ones I don’t talk to anymore. I still remember how I wouldn’t be able to play with my siblings so I’ll just go and sit on the table and read my books for the sole purpose of my parents being happy with me when they came home and saw me studying.

I remember how I didn’t get into the University of Lagos on my first try. To say my parents were shocked is an understatement. It had never happened before. I had never not passed an examination on merit. They blamed it on Queens college. They said I had this “new confidence” and it would put me in trouble. So they wanted to take me to Mountain Top University. So I’ll be an educated Christian on fire for the Lord and let go of this my “new confidence” that made me sneak out of the house or lie to them or worse, fail at school. To be clear, I didn’t fail. Unilag was just a bitch. I missed the cut off mark by two points only.

Since lockdown, sometimes, I feel like I’m changing back to that boring kid and it’s scary. I’m scared of losing my personality. I’m scared of losing this “new confidence”. And to the friends I made at Queens college, thank you. All of you had (and still have) strong personalities that rubbed off on me. Whenever I did anything “wrong”, my mum would always say I was copying my friends. Maybe she was right. But I’m glad I copied you guys. If not, I’ll still be that shy kid who never wanted to play with anyone (not even my siblings) just because I felt inadequate. That kid that took everything as they were, no questions asked.

Now, I’m becoming that kid that my parents warned me about and I’m loving it because I’m beginning to understand that my parents saw what they wanted to see in that kid they warned me about. And just like them, everyone would see what they want to see. And it’s okay. I know me, I’m good. Plus, I’m wayyyyy better than a lot of my age mates. My parents should be thankful for the kind of person I am/becoming.