The Old Playlist
By: Alfatihah Amini
Tags: Relief, Anxiety, Songs, Mental Illness, Acceptance

I used to have a special playlist that I would listen only when I got upset. The playlist was a list of 2000s-2010s songs. When it appeared to be the last song on my playlist, I would press the start over button and the song played starting from number one. Thus, I always put them either on my phone or laptop so that I could repeat when I felt certain way.

Most of the song on my playlist were ballads, either because I just like ballads in general or the fact that ballad songs could understand my sadness better. But, they gave me a certain energy in a strange way.

I found the best way to listen to ballad song was by lying down on bed with my face closed with pillow so no one would notice. And did not forget to use a handsfree for the best experience. I listened to the song while my imagination also played this movie on my head. Suddenly, I was already the main character of the song. After some repetitions, I felt asleep and when I woke up, I felt like I was the happiest person on earth. (I felt much better after listen to some songs and sleep)

Yep, I guess I was quite a dramatic at my young age. But, I clearly remember when it came to this upsetting feeling, I always came back for this playlist because of this effect.

In fact, this habit stick out for years. And the Playlist? I could hardly change it or add couple new songs. I think, my playlist was likely equipped by security (made by my brain, I guess) that made me feel lazy or just didn’t bother to search or add any. It was like a comfort zone for me and I didn’t mind staying with it.

This is what it was until one day…

One day, I felt something off happened inside me.

I was yet never able to recognize that feelings until recently. This unknown was so abstract and hard to describe. For years, I never took this ‘unknown” for serious and as I became more overwhelmed with myself, I felt nothing but overthinks that could stay for days, making me upset for longer.

At that time, I didn’t know what to do. I tried my best to cope with overthinking by listen to my playlist as I’d always done. But, as time goes by, and it became worse, my playlist just didn’t work out for me anymore when I felt certain way. For fact, I never listened to any playlist for a moths because I could not even concentrate listen to any songs. I could hardly sleep as I always got overthink and got headache every night. Neither could I cry nor felt like this was the “right” me. I was controlled by those thoughts became numb.

Before I realized what that “unknown” was, I had no clue it would have some connections with the way I’d have lived. I had no clue because no one assist me and even I didn’t fully understand what I was going through. Apparently, it is something that they called as “mental illness”. Now, that I look back, it was more like a process of acceptance and forgiveness. It was an experience to find my true identity.

So, back to how I managed this “unknown”.

The first thing that I did was trying to understanding what had happened. I changed my self for the sake of my peace. When I figured out what happened, I became more acceptance toward myself. Then, I started to know myself better.

As I was coping with my inner self and trying to be present, my preference also had changed. It also changed my favorite colors, my favorite author, even changed my favorite songs.

I guess, your preference does describe either your personality or emotion you have. And I learn a lot from that.

Somehow, I think I could pull out some conclusion that my old playlist did give some clues about this “unknown”. The song itself could actually represent the mellowness and unhappy me inside. Now that I have figured things out, I realize I less listen to ballad nowadays. Instead, I’ve become more addictive toward RnB.

Anyways, I never forget my old playlist though and still listen to it once in a while. But, it’s more like the happy me who listen to it.