Moon Work-Waning Moon Day 7
By: Leigh Larue
Tags: Daily Blog, Purpose, Personal Development, Travel, Spirituality

There are those days when you’re not in the game, as hard as you try. I made small attempts today, and now I’m writing this. But, I’m tired and worried, and my cat must be picking up on my energy. She seems just as disinterested as I am. I need to find something that excites and inspires me, but right now I don’t know what that would be. I feel out of sorts most of the time living this van life. It’s lonely and discombobulating. It’s not all bad, though, because it has enabled me to be a free spirit and has given me time and space to heal from the years of trauma I’ve endured. For these things I am forever grateful.

I’ve spent most, if not all, of my life being a loner and generally basking in it. It wasn’t until this last year that I’ve started changing. All of a sudden, I actually feel lonely. So much so at times it physically hurts. I yearn to find my soul tribe, because up to this point any connection I attempt to make vanishes into thin air almost as immediately as it’s made. It’s been so frustrating and bewildering. And, any project or endeavor I’ve attempted has been noticeably hindered or downright blocked. Even something as simple as attempting to sell items on Craigslist has been utterly futile. My life has been one huge roadblock for the last 5–10 years. Just writing about this now brings up feelings of rage and indignation. They say ‘Trust the universe!’, and yet after all that I’ve been through I’ve hard a hard time finding that trust. And, even when I do have at least enough faith of a mustard seed, it still doesn’t seem to help.

Barely ‘enough’ generally comes through as needed, but enough simply isn’t enough. The struggle has been real, and this is where I put my foot down. Everyone around me seems to be doing great. Their lives are on track, and they’re feeling fine. And, they’re not even really trying. Yeah, they’re playing the 9–5 game. They’re working. But, they’re not struggling to constantly reinvent themselves and exerting that kind of energy. It’s been a tough row to hoe, but at the same time it has actually redirected me to a higher path. I’m not yet seeing the effects, but then again, I’ve been searching for myself more than I’ve been focused and committed.

We do have ‘helpers’, both seen and unseen. Some are truly helpful while others seem to try to trip us up. There are apparently ways to request a ‘changing of guards’, but like anything else there’s an overwhelming amount of information to wade through and to test before finding what works. Sometimes we are being benevolently redirected, and instead of recognizing it early on and going with it, we fight. We think we’re being cruelly punished by some unseen force, but maybe in the end we are truly being assisted.

I can say that I feel both the intense anger and the immense gratitude. As much as I feel I’ve been done wrong, I know I’ve also been shown great mercy. To anyone else going through something similar, I suggest surrender. And, the sooner the better. Swimming upstream is exhausting and fundamentally unrewarding. As much as we can question the ultimate truth of things, we do (whether we like it or not) seem to be on a life path that we agreed to before incarnation. To intuitively stay on track it becomes a balance of masculine and feminine energies. Work, then rest. Try, then trust. If we start noticing more and more resistance in your physical reality, then it’s time to step back and see where we can make adjustments. What’s required may be as simple as a little tweak or a major overhaul.

I need to release my anger and resentment over all that I’ve been through. To do this I need to take responsibility for my actions and non-actions and then forgive the rest. Focusing on the blessings that have come from it will in turn create more. I’ve been caught up in the negativity of it all for far too long. Until I truly let this go, my bright new chapter is on hold. So, I choose to release it with love, because love is the master healer of all.