Please Stop Asking Me to Represent My Entire Race, Gender, Religion, and Sexual Orientation
By: Deneishia Jacobpito
Tags: Equality, Self-awareness, LGBTQ, Self, Racism

Please Stop Asking Me to Represent My Entire Race, Gender, Religion, and Sexual Orientation

How to help your loved ones avoid representation fatigue.

The brisk winter air cooled my skin as the breeze rushed past me as if it were in as much of a hurry as I was to reach a destination. I arrived at the local coffee house and made myself comfortable. The menu was handwritten on a large chalkboard and loomed over my head forcing me to assess the caffeine level needed to accomplish the rather long to-do list ahead of me. Was this a chai day, a chai with one shot of espresso, or was this a full double shot mocha latte kind of day?

Photo by Shamim Nakhaei on Unsplash

I leaned my head back to view the top of the menu hanging above me when I overheard a conversation; “I know that I can’t possibly understand, but as a Black woman, how do you feel about what he said?” I stopped looking at the menu and looked over to the people having the conversation. My chest felt heavy, my heart rate increased, and I energetically reached out to the woman to whom the question was addressed. She was sitting at a table with two other people and their body language indicated intimacy and friendship. She felt my gaze and we caught eyes for a few seconds and had the wordless conversation that marginalized people are so good at having. I told her, with my eyes, “I understand, you are not alone”. She smiled and told me, with her eyes, that she appreciated me and with a soundless blink said, “I’m used to it”. I shuffled away from the counter and sat down without ordering.

How often had I been in that position? Sitting in a conversation with people who loved me and had no idea that they were marginalizing me. Stellar humans, raised and living under a system that had indoctrinated us to respond through the lens of unconscious binary-ness. The deathly idea that there is only “us and them”, “right and wrong”, “black and white”, “straight or gay”, “male and female” without the life-affirming acknowledgment of levels in between.

Let’s address the first question immediately, if you have clicked on this article then you already function in the world under the knowledge that you are not a racist as defined by the stereotypes of what a racist is. You don’t say racial slurs in conversation, you wouldn’t disown your child if they came home with a romantic partner not of your same race, sexual orientation, or religious tradition. You support equal legislation for all humans and you genuinely feel bad when you see, hear, or are otherwise made aware of social injustice. On behalf of all humans, I would like to thank you and encourage you to continue your efforts to grow personally, thus making the world a better place just because you exist. For the purposes of this article the term racist will be used as a catch all term for a way of functioning that lacks inclusivity.

However, there are learned behaviors that are not violent, are not blatant, and are not actively considered racist; but in fact, are systems of belief and functioning that were created under very race-driven circumstances and therefore, although accepted behavior, are indeed racist. Writing a list of these behaviors would be too long and incomplete because the work of determining where on the spectrum we fall is an individual self-discovery journey through our own experiences and that is work we must do on our own. I can, however, offer you some tips to get you started.

Create a list of information you think you know about any human experience that you have questions about (race, religion, sexuality, country of origin, physical abilities).

Our experiences and the information we gather from those experiences aren’t reliable sources. “My sister-in-law is a lesbian and she told me that’s not true” is not evidence. People interact with us at their level of healing. People will present themselves to you in whatever way feels most safe for them. For me, this looked like working too hard to not perpetuate a stereotype just to make someone feel more comfortable around me. I wouldn’t talk about my romantic partners. I wouldn’t eat fried chicken on a date with a White person. I wouldn’t use certain slang or pronunciations of words in mixed company. The rules around the ideas of “professional”, or “articulate” were established by humans who lived during a time when success was not integrated. To be accepted in those circles all that was authentic of any individual must be stripped to blend and be considered acceptable. This taught people to interact as who they think we want them to be and not who they are. If I didn’t feel comfortable or safe to be genuine around someone, then I would behave in whatever way gave me a feeling of control over my environment. This included wearing dresses or high heels. This sociological phenomenon is called code-switching. Therefore, the information we’ve gathered from personal experience may not be reliable because the data available was misrepresented. Writing in a journal a list of what we think we know gives us a place to begin but is in no way the end of this self-discovery journey.

Journal a list of information that you would like to know more about any human experience and find source material written by people whose experiences can answer those questions.

This is why the interaction mentioned in the introduction was so significant. I no longer wish to be someone’s walking research module. I do not represent an entire race, gender, or sexual orientation. The weight of answering questions meant to represent millions of people is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting and I no longer want to carry that baggage. There are plenty of autobiographies written by others and the information available from those autobiographies is a much less invasive source of information than asking me to represent an entire group of humans. There are people in the world who are willing to be resources of information, an organization called the Human Library holds events for people to do just that. Emotional labor is exhausting and people should be paid for all labor, including being your research tool. Please be diligent to read books and watch movies written and directed by the people you are curious about.

We are aware that the desire for more money and more sales have created habits in media and marketing that feed and perpetuate stereotypes. However, with increased awareness of the importance of representation and the rise in visible creatives who are not traditionally mainstream, there are more opportunities to find source material. The industry was once controlled by the phrase, “we don’t have a market for that type of story”, meaning that they couldn’t sell a movie to the major studios that featured an all-Black cast or queer main characters. It is easier today more than ever to find authentic source material, so watch movies that you would have normally passed on, read books you didn’t know existed, binge watch television that doesn’t look like you, immerse yourself in stories no one saw fit to tell you.

Compare and contrast the list of what you thought you knew, with what you have learned.

This is an important step in analyzing and testing your personal beliefs. What information did you find interesting in the source material that challenged the information you thought you already knew? What information were you exposed to that you now want to know more about? Comparing the information we gain from the source to the information we had been fed from selective marketing gives us the process of making well-informed opinions. Challenging the narrative we wrote in our head before we had enough information is important for our healing. Comparing what we learn with what we thought we knew will give a more detailed and well-rounded view of ourselves and our belief systems.

Apply new habits and actively choose to interact differently.

Self-discovery is superficial unless the information we gather is put into practice and we put in the work to change old behaviors. The world only changes when individuals in the world change. When I became aware that I was responding to every police officer as if they were the officer who raped me when I was 14 years old, then I had to actively change the way I interacted not only with police officers but how I related to the ideas of authority and safety.

Spiritual practitioners and mental health professionals repeat the phrase that you can not control what happens to you, but you can control how you respond to it. This means to me that we are responsible for actively changing our behavior, beliefs, and support of companies or individuals when we become aware that they are not inclusive. We have complete power over ourselves and where we decide to invest our energy, money, and support.