What I Wish I Knew Before Having Sex
By: The Sex, Secrets Column
Tags: Feminism, Life Lessons, LGBTQ, Relationships, Sexuality

Truth #1: You don’t owe anyone any sexual act.

Swallowing, orgasms, reciprocal oral, kissing, sex, you name it — none of that or any other sexual act is something you owe someone else or something that others owe you. Consistent, clear, enthusiastic consent is crucial. While those previously mentioned acts can be helpful or seen as polite, don’t feel you have to do them if you’re not okay with it. Communicate with each other so you all can better understand your needs and can figure out what works for everyone.

Truth #2. Lesbian sex can include more than just oral sex.

Lesbian sex can also include toys, fingering, playing with someone’s clit, or whatever else you and your partner want it to be. Sex isn’t just about penetration or sexual acts that have “sex” in the name. I wish I knew this earlier because I feel like I did the sapphic community an injustice by not opening up my mind past heteronormativity.

Truth #3. Ongoing consent from all people involved is important.

I used to think consent meant asking before you did something and stopping when the other person showed or said they wanted to stop. However, consent is more than that. It’s asking “Is this okay?” or “Can I keep doing this?” or “Are you comfortable?” or “Do you like this?” While it doesn’t have to be sexy, it still can be. More than that, it’s important, especially for people who don’t always feel comfortable speaking up or aren’t sure if they like something.

Truth #4. People won’t hate you if you don’t agree to a sexual act.

I’m quite the people-pleaser. I usually say “yes” to whatever’s asked of me to avoid conflict and because I’m scared people will be mad or dislike me if I say no. However, we have to take care of and respect our needs and wants too. People probably won’t automatically hate us for saying no, and even if they do, that doesn’t mean we did something wrong.

Truth #5. Suggestions don’t mean you failed.

If someone suggests a new sexual act, asks you to move your mouth or finger, or to make another change, try to not take that as offensive or as a failure. Other people know their bodies better than we know them, so it’s okay to not be in exactly the right place or to switch up what you’re doing. Suggestions don’t mean you’re not good at sex or that they’re judging you. On that note, encourage suggestions yourself as well and don’t feel bad about it.

Truth #6. Communication about likes, dislikes, STDs, and kinks is important before, during, and after sex.

Communication about sex may feel awkward, especially if you feel shame or don’t want the other person to feel it. However, communication is important in many ways. Research shows that people who communicate about sex have better sex. Communicate about what you like, don’t like, and kinks you have before you have sex, while you’re having sex, and after you’ve had sex. This way, you and those you have sex with will better understand what makes mutually good sex. Talking about STDs is the only exception here — discuss those before sex to ensure health and safety.

Truth #7. Your worth isn’t in your body and what you do with it.

Like I mentioned before, I engaged in hookup culture during my first couple years of college. This usually meant having sex with acquaintances and not having any emotions or feeling past that. Because of this, I thought my worth was in my body and in my willingness to do what someone asked me to do. I had to learn that our worth doesn’t come from our bodies and what we do with them; our worth is inherent. Our bodies and experiences can’t change that. Regardless of whether you’ve had a lot of sex or little sex, regardless of what you’re willing to do, and regardless of your appearance, your worth is the same as other people’s.