Why The Movie Bridesmaids Was Once A Metaphor For My Life
By: Lisa Bradburn
Tags: Weddings, Self Improvement, Therapy, Mental Health, Psychology

You’re your problem, and you’re also your solution.

Megan, played by Melissa McCarthy, confronts the lead character Annie (Kristin Wiig) about her self sabotaging habits in 2011's critically acclaimed comedy hit Bridesmaids. Having lived and breathed two decades of self-imposed defeating behaviors, I relate to Annie. And when I think back to my actions involving three weddings, Bridesmaids becomes a metaphor for my twenties and thirties. Why do we self-sabotage, and what key strategies can we learn from therapy to overcome returning to our demise again and again?

Healthline.com describes self-sabotage as:

behaviors or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do.

Wedding One — Present, Not Present.

In my early thirties, one of my best girlfriends at the time got married at a lakehouse. A few days before her wedding, I went out clubbing and indulged in the disco biscuits — a little too much (that’s nineties slang for ecstasy). Fast forward to the day of the ceremony, and my immune system was beyond compromise. I experienced one of the worst flu’s of my life and ended up sleeping in a tent on her property, missing the ceremony, and barely emerged for dinner. We didn’t remain friends, and at the time, I suspect my actions were looked upon unfavorably by numerous people.

What was going on?

Psychology Today explains:

People aren’t always aware that they are sabotaging themselves, and connecting a behavior to self-defeating consequences is no guarantee that a person will disengage from it.

In those days, I lived on auto-pilot. I possessed limited ability to see how my actions impacted others; instead, I chose to self-destruct and soothe the conflicted emotions inside. My heart remained broken over a failed relationship with an Irishman I had met while living in the UK. I felt abandoned, emotionally unavailable, and unable to meet and attract a decent guy of my own. The result? I was jealous of my friend’s happiness and felt my own life had a ripped ticket to No-Where-Ville.

Bridesmaids Movie gifs From gfycat.com

Wedding Two— Crashing.

A few months later, a male acquaintance in our group of friends got married in the trendy West-Queen-West area of Toronto. I did not receive an invite. And out of a desire to meet an eligible, single man, I still showed up to the party at the Great Hall. The bride wasn’t happy; she sent the stink eye in my direction a few times throughout the night. In this example, I didn’t respect the bride and groom's wishes, nor did I care about myself. Shocking news flash — no, I didn’t meet anyone worthy to bring home to meet Mom. Whenever someone nice did come along, I ran for the hills.

Bridesmaids Movie gifs From gfycat.com

Wedding Three— Blistered Bridesmaid.

Less than a year later, another close girlfriend in the same circle of friends asked me to be a bridesmaid in her early spring wedding. The night prior, I recall drinking vodka shots straight with a male friend at my apartment and maybe received two hours' sleep. I remember arriving late to the wedding party, still half in the bag and physically wanting to die. The day was damp, cold, and miserable. I wore a taffeta, rayon blend dress with not enough coverage, my body shaking at the front alter from the aftereffects of drinking and the lack of heating in the church. Given I was in front for all to see, the mother of the bride waved at me and mimed to “turn my frown upside down.” She was a wonderful lady, and I remember feeling an incredible embarrassment inside, like a fraud. Looking back, the bride was a lovely person and the nicest girl out of the group. I always felt like a perpetual outsider, someone who didn’t belong and subconsciously sought ways to self destruct.

Bridesmaids Movie gifs From gfycat.com

Psychology Today provides further fodder for my actions:

But the forces that lead to self-sabotage can also be more subtle, such as an accumulation of dysfunctional and distorted beliefs that lead people to underestimate their capabilities, suppress their feelings, or lash out at those around them.

Breaking The Metaphor

My transformational work didn’t begin until it became clear the person causing the destruction was staring back at me in the mirror. In the article How to Stop Sabotaging Yourself, from Greater Good Magazine by Alice Boyes, Ph.D., the writer provides strategies to overcome self-sabotage.

Understand your seemingly irrelevant decisions — once I started to undergo therapy and do the necessary work, I became consciously aware of how the decisions I made hindered personal progression. Examples of bad decision making included drinking the night before a significant life event, always running late, seeking emotionally unavailable men, and avoiding feelings — the list goes on and on. Self-awareness developed once I stopped drinking and chose healthier habits. Rather than putting a bottle to my lips, I opted to pick up knitting needles. And I started to journal, question, reflect, and even met new friends, whom I continue to be close to today. Learn to love incremental improvements — the old cliche, change doesn’t happen overnight, applies here. I sought out therapy at age 35, continue to see a therapist nearly a decade later, and am training to become a psychotherapist. Trust me, I was, and still, continue to be a work in progress. What helped the most in my early days of transformation was having the right therapists who called me on my bullshit. Let me give you an example. At the time, I was living alone in a gorgeous 500 square foot apartment on the North East corner of Washington Square Park, central Manhattan. I had a great media consulting job and was, by all accounts, living a somewhat glamorous life. On one occasion, I complained to my therapist about how ‘tough life was’ and felt rather sorry for myself. My therapist called out my ‘pity-party’ exactly like she saw it. And you know what? She was right. I never pulled out the poor me card again. Small incremental changes lead to more considerable holistic shifts. Practice acceptance and self-care — while this sounds self-explanatory and based on common sense, the act of accepting and caring for oneself takes time and dedication. I am hard on myself and expect a lot. My way of thinking is rooted in being adopted and growing up with a mother who suffered from alcoholism. Always striving for success as the gauge to measure self-worth is a difficult personality trait to overcome. Even today, I sometimes see evidence where unhealthy aspects of success rear their ugly head; however, the difference is that I can consciously see these behaviors and decide upon a wiser, more life-giving choice.

When you think back on the weddings you’ve attended in your life — what healthy or unhealthy self-sabotage behaviors emerge? When I reflect, there are clear signs of living in an unconscious state, ignoring the real underlying reasons for my actions, not caring for myself or others, and feeling disengaged from people. What brought me out of the fog was waking up to the realization I required help to overcome my challenges and walked the long road of therapy to reorient my ways of thinking into healthier patterns. The next time someone asks me to be their bridesmaid, I’m ready, willing, and able!

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