Will Cheaters Cheat on Christmas Day? Sure
By: Teresa J Conway
Tags: Humor, Relationships, Satire, Sex, Adultery

HOW TO CHEAT

Will Cheaters Cheat on Christmas Day? Sure

When you’re chasing married pussy, it’s just another day

Photo by Misty Ladd on Unsplash

I had no reason to get up early on Christmas morning, so I lounged in bed. Flipping through my phone, I noticed my main cheater account had a new email, so I checked it to find someone from Ashley Madison had messaged me. I also get Adult Friend Finder messages and alerts there.

Ok, I thought, you’ve got my attention. After all, what sort of morally bankrupt person sends messages on Christmas morning as wifey gets breakfast going and the kids or grandkids are running around? That’s not a judgment; I claim no moral superiority here, but, Christmas morning? That’s a little cold.

Curious, I logged in to see who it was and noticed there were a dozen or more requests to see my private picture, so I accepted all of them. That was at 9:14 AM; I know because as soon as I did that, they automatically granted me access to their dick pic collections.

After that messages started rolling in. I haven’t responded to any of them yet. My profile more or less says I’m closed to new applicants. However, I guess letting them see my boobs was all the encouragement they needed.

9:53 AM — Aclassydude: Meery Christmas Suzie…thanks for sending your photo…very sexy…BTW — my name is James…I will follow up in more detail after today…enjoy the day…

I’m not sure if his reluctance to say more was based on Christmas, but it seems like it was.

A modern gentleman.

10:24 AM — GudLicking: Merry Christmas

GudLicking had sent me other messages and had received my picture earlier in the month, so I guess he was checking in. I hadn’t replied.

That was nice of him I thought. I mean, it’s one thing to be reminded I’m alive because I let you see my boobs, and quite another to come back with a seasonal wish for a woman who hasn’t given you the time of day. That sort of made me feel like a bit of a bitch, but it passed.

Pro tip: As I said before, any reference to oral sex in a profile makes me think his dick doesn’t work, so when it’s featured in his profile name, Viagra probably doesn’t work either.

12:41 PM — EternalHope: Glad to hear Santa delivered for you ;)

I’d already told him I’d found someone, but he said come back if the chat dried up. The chat hasn’t dried up, and neither have I. Our last exchange was on the 15th, so here’s another one hoping I’d opened a window after shutting the door.

1:10 PM — JoeM2018: Hey there Suzie, my name is Joe. Would love to learn what makes you tick and what I can do to please you. Message me and we can chat!

This was in response to my photo access grant, which makes me feel like a tease, knowing I would not talk to any of these guys. From this guy’s perspective, I reached out on Christmas Day, so I suppose he thought he’d strike while the iron was hot. I respect the fact that he waited until after lunch. That’s usually when we all go for a rest or hide with our new toys here at home.

Sadly for Joe, I won’t be his new toy.

Also, come on Joe! Don’t use your name in your profile! Do you need to be told not to point a gun at your head? This is a rookie mistake.

Pro Tip: If your actual name is Joe M, you shouldn’t use it in your profile name. I’m sure, there are other Joe M’s out there, but they aren’t all 54-year-old 5’10” and 230 lbs Aries. Ask yourself — would my spouse recognize this profile name and these details?

If the answer is yes you are an idiot. She buys your underwear for fuck sakes, wake up!

3:30 PM — Kariokie74: Thanks for the pic. I know you have people on your dance card already. Like you, I’m over 40 and married, fit, conscientious (as much as one can be here) and can speak in full sentences.

Well! Now we’re talking! He read my profile, knows what I’m looking for, and knows I’m working on my shortlist.

(Photos: Author & Inset picture by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash )

If there was a shortlist, I’m sure a spot could open up for Mr. K. Any man reading this needs to know this is EXACTLY how to turn a woman’s crank. Brief, intelligent, thoughtful, and willing to take a shot even if the chance seems low.

If he’d have added a touch of humor, phew! I couldn’t have resisted.

I responded and we had a nice chat. He’d be on the list, no question. I told him I’ll be in touch if things don’t work out for me.

I can only speak for myself, but I need to be connected to the person I’m having sex with; otherwise, it doesn’t do much for me. That doesn’t mean I want to marry you, but I need to picture myself with you. I could picture myself with Mr. K.

10:00 PM — EyesForYou: Hello Suzie the new girl! I guess you give this access to everyone and you haven’t read my profile. Well, if my profile meets your preliminary requirements I would love to e-meet you one day and I’d love to exchange pictures.

He’s another who read my profile because my tag line was “Meet the new girl.”

Hmm? Picture exchange? He’s got one and he wants more? Why? Is this one of those “your ass is too big things?” I’d recommend leaving a picture request out of the first message because I’m not perfect, and I don’t need to hear about it from a stranger — or worse yet, be ghosted because of it.

I’m thin-skinned, and being rejected hurts even when you cheat, so I’d avoid him because of that.

10:14 PM — Finished2020: Dam that photography is one lucky guy to so yo close to you Merry Christmas

Eh? Feeling the Christmas cheer, sir? That’s ok. I know what he meant. And yes, anyone who got that close to me would get lucky if I was dressed like that.

11:45 PM — NewYearFor2021: Thank you for sharing your photo with me. You look fabulous. I’m sure you are a fun and interesting person too from the way you have written your profile..

Oh, you don’t know the half of it.

Merry Christmas!

And that was it. Think of your dad or grandpa sitting in his chair or in bed playing with his phone on Christmas Day. What was he doing? Playing a game? Ranting on Facebook? Or messaging the sexy middle-aged lady who sent him a picture of her boobs? Is he looking at your mother or grandmother while thinking about my tits?

No, probably not all of them, but I know at least eight were.