Men…..If you’re thinking of ending your life
By: Emma-Jo Smithies
Tags: Suicide, Mental Health Awareness, Suicide Prevention, Mens Health, Mental Health

On Sunday 13th December 2020, I lost my fiance, my best friend in the whole world to suicide. It hit me like a ton of bricks. For that whole day I did not even know he was gone. My love had his demons, like we all do and he opened up more to me than any other person. We were like the same person, we never argued and always laughed, like constantly. We had the same interests and just clicked. Whenever he walked into the room he lit it up, he lit my whole life up. When I was struggling with my own mental health he lifted me up and I told him if he ever never needed to talk I would be there for him too. But, he told me he didn’t struggle, he took all of the things that had happened in his life as lessons and a chance to learn. He wore his mask of happiness really well, he was strong, hard working and absolutely hilarious, he had me laughing all the time.

I had not seen him for a week before he took his life, it had been 3 years since I lost my Dad to suicide and I was feeling low and taking some time to bring my mood back up, he was very understanding of my need to take time out when I felt down. I never wanted him to see me that way, so I would take a few days to heal my heart and come back to him with a smile on my face and a giant cuddle for him.

On Saturday 12th December it was my 33rd birthday, I had been so excited to see him but I had this awful feeling of doom come over me and I couldn’t put my finger on what that feeling was. I cut myself off from the world for that day, we kept in touch on messenger, we messaged all day sending silly memes and having a laugh. We never stopped talking even when we were apart. He sent me a little video of him sat in his van and told me he was busy ordering Christmas presents off Amazon and we laughed about how we avoid people so much. We carried on our little chat, it was funny, light, he was his usual self.

At 11pm that night he sent me two love hearts on messenger, we did this all the time, I thought it meant he was off to bed and sending love before he went to sleep.

The next morning I messaged him when I got up and heard nothing back, I left it a few hours and messaged again, still nothing, he hadn’t even been on Facebook. I thought maybe he needed a little space so respected his boundaries. When it got to night time and he still hadn’t been on Facebook or got back to me, I was in two minds, worry but also under the impression that he did not want to speak to me.

When Monday morning came, I got on with things as usual and then headed back to bed, I was missing him, confused and feeling low. A knock at the door came a little later, it was my Mum and Brother, I opened the door, I looked at their faces and I knew. At first I thought, this isn’t true. So I called his Dad who told me ‘he is no longer with us’. His Mum had found him hanging at the end of his bed.

The next few days were pure shock, guilt, thinking of his face, thinking of every tiny thing I love about him, inside and out, all of our memories, our plans for the future, reading his messages, looking at his pictures and silly videos and sniffing his hat knowing I was never going to breathe in his beautiful scent again. I have since put everything away, it is too painful right now. We have not yet got a date to go to the chapel of rest or for the funeral and in all honesty I am not sure I will go. I am in so much pain it feels like physical pain, I have never cried harder in my life, I have wanted to take my life too to get away from this unbearable pain. I have been given diazepam to somewhat function, it takes the edge off but I have no idea how to start again without this wonderful, kind man in my life.

Which brings me to this, if you are a man reading this and you are struggling with mental health, if you are bottling it all up inside and putting on a happy face and telling yourself that you will be fine, if you’re distracting yourself or whatever else you are doing to avoid your demons. GET HELP!! I am absolutely begging you to get help, suicide is not the answer and it will absolutely destroy those who love you. Our lives are never the same again, we pine for you and we carry extreme guilt for not spotting the signs, not being able to help and so on.

The thought that men need to ‘man up’ is so old fashioned, you’ve probably been brought up to not open up. But the truth is you are a human being and you go through traumatic events and tough times, you need to let these things build you into a strong person, life lessons. But don’t carry them in your heart and in your head. Get counselling, medication if you feel you need it and talk, for goodness sake, talk. Get it out. It often helps to talk to women as they can often be more understanding of your feelings. If you have unsupportive friends, they are not friends. Get new ones. If you have to build a whole new life for yourself, do it. Do what makes you feel happy even if it means leaving your whole other life behind. Don’t get stuck in a rut, if your life is making you uncomfortable, get help to heal your wounds and start again. Your wound will turn to a scar and that scar will shrink with time.

Twice I’ve dealt with suicide now and I am never going to be the same person again. I want you to live, you are a beautiful human being and you deserve to be here living your best life, whatever that may be. Please choose to live.