Advice I Should Have Given Myself Today, Instead of Trying to Fix Someone Else (Who Didn’t Really Need Fixing)
By: Shaunta Grimes
Tags: Life Lessons, Life, Advice, Self, Mental Health

I tried to fix a friend’s problem today and it backfired.

My advice was good. But that wasn’t the point.

No one asked for it. That’s the point. And offering my advice caused hurt feelings. That’s really the point.

One of these days, I’ll learn to wait until someone asks for my help before I jump in with my superhero cape flying.

Offering advice that isn’t asked for is pretty much always a bad idea.

It assumes that the person you’re offering it to needs help that they might not think they need. It assumes that you know better than they do what they need. And it creates a weird power dynamic that pretty much always leads to awkwardness.

Because it’s really hard to turn down a friend who offers to help you, even if you don’t want their help. And there’s no cool way to say — hey, thanks, but you’re offering to fix something that I didn’t think was broken in the first place.

It’s kind of the psychic version of asking a woman when her baby’s due. Never (ever) do that unless you’re absolutely, no-questions-asked positive that she’s actually pregnant. And never offer to solve another person’s problem unless you’re sure they think what you’re trying to solve is a problem.

Even asking if you can offer advice can become problematic, because — again — it assumes a problem where there might not be one and your friend may not feel comfortable turning you down.

Just because whatever it would be a problem for you doesn’t mean it is to them.

People are all different. That’s what makes humanity, humanity, you know? It’s what makes the world spin.

And even if you’re like pretty damned sure that you can improve your friend’s life if they’d just take your advice, if they don’t think their life needs to be improved then your words will, at best, fall on deaf ears.

And at worst, you’re going to hurt someone you care about. (Probably, this is what’s going to happen, even if they don’t say so.)

On top of that, even if they do see that what’s going on with them is a problem, they still might not want your help. Because maybe what works for you and the way your brain operates won’t work for them. Maybe they just don’t want you poking around in their issues. Or maybe they’ve got some other fix lined up.

I get it. You want to help.

The reason I get it is because I’ve been there.

I always want to help. I find myself wanting to pull my hair out pretty often because someone I care about has something going on in their life and I know how to fix it and they just won’t listen to me!

Ugh, that’s frustrating.

But it’s not helpful if your (and by your, I mean MY) efforts to help cause hurt feelings, disconnect, andmaybe even the person you want to help to dig in deeper on whatever it is that isn’t exactly working in their life in the first place.

This post is mostly a reminder for myself — because I hurt someone’s feelings today with unsolicited advice that I shouldn’t have offered — but maybe for you, too, if you find yourself in the same situation.

Don’t offer advice unless it’s asked for. Period.

It’s okay to make someone aware that you have experience or expertise in some area — but wait for them to ask for your help.

Remember that your solution isn’t the only one, Genius. Bring yourself down a notch there. Other people have their own ideas and they are just as valid as yours.

Just because you don’t understand something or something is going on in someone’s life that wouldn’t work for you, that doesn’t mean that it’s a problem for them. And they are who matters in their own life.

Again: don’t offer advice that isn’t asked for. Don’t even ask if you can offer advice unless you’re 100 percent positive the person is struggling with something and they’ve some how let you know that they’re in the market for solutions.

In other words, don’t assume a problem is there just because it would be a problem for you. And even then, don’t assume that just because someone is telling you their problem they want anything more than an empathetic ear.

And when you do screw up and offer unsolicited advice that no one asked for, then wind up hurting someone’s feelings? Apologize. Do better in the future. Stay in your own lane going forward. You’ve probably got enough of your own problems to fix, after all.