Why I hate it when people ask ‘How are you?’
Tags: Social Etiquette, Mental Health Awareness

Usually, I would argue that social norms are fantastic. As a nervous and awkward introvert, social settings can sometimes be very daunting, and they provide structure and guidelines to a world in which I am not always the most comfortable or confident in. There is, however, one thing which has recently been affecting me and which, instead of working in my favour, is constantly working against me, and that is the issue that comes with asking ‘How are you?’.

The reason I hate this question so much is because it sounds like an invitation to open up to someone when really, all it is is a mere formality. Few people who ask it actually care about how you truly are, and those who do would rarely know how to react if I broke down into tears and told them EXACTLY how I really was. It is a bittersweet question because it creates the illusion that your wellbeing matters to whoever you’re speaking to when the truth could not be any further from it. The social convention in this case is to reply, “I’m good”, or “I’m fine” if you’re ready to risk coming across as curt in an attempt to not tell an outright lie. Because lying is exactly what I do whenever I answer that question. I could not be any less than fine, but however much I am tempted to reply honestly, I know that doing so would create an horribly awkward situation and make my relationship with the speaker extremely uncomfortable– perhaps even irreparably damaged.

This fear of losing them when I share every aspect of myself has caused me to be unable to open up to anyone, because I know that half the time they are only asking out of politeness and the other half they couldn’t even begin to deal with my many problems. My friends tell me ‘I can talk to them’, and while I appreciate the feeling, I know from personal experience that letting them into the mess that I am inside would only drive them away forever. They wouldn’t even have to delve very deep either; the tip of the iceberg would be enough to make them flee immediately and with a haste never before seen. Not necessarily out of disgust or lack of compassion, but simply because they just wouldn’t understand everything that I’m going through. Plus, they don’t deserve for me to dump all my worries on them anyway. Sadly, this is not a case of having unsympathetic or toxic friends. They are all amazing and caring and very willing to listen to me should I need them, but I know for a fact that they wouldn’t be able to handle that darkness inside me. It’s not their fault; I doubt there are many people who would. Unfortunately, none of those rare poeple are currently a part of my life and this leaves me with no one to talk to so asking how I am hurts even more than it usually does due to my desperation to unburden myself and share my troubles with someone and my inability to do so at the moment.

I feel guilty about sharing this, just as I feel guilty whenever I try to share my troubles with a friend. It’s partly due to the fact that, despite being the priviledged individual that I am with the perfect life and everything I could possibly want, I struggle so much to find joy in life, but also because I worry about spreading negativity and casting a shadow over someone else’s day with my grey thoughts. It has come to a point, however, when I need to share what I feel, and the internet seems the only viable option at the moment. I have no one else to talk to, and I’m better at expressing myself through my writing at any rate. All I wish is that people would stop asking me how I’m feeling and expect me to pretend like everything is alright, but unfortunately society dictates that enquiring after someone’s wellbeing be a mandatory start to many conversations so I guess that wish is futile.