Dating Pitfalls: 10 Dating Situations Unique to Single Parents
By: Wendy Miller
Tags: Single Moms, Love, Single Parent, Dating, Parenting

Dating Pitfalls: 10 Dating Situations Unique to Single Parents

Dating as a single parent has plenty of complications. Here are simple solutions to 10 of them.

When you’re dating as a single parent, the rules are a little different. Things that are ordinarily considered rude — checking your phone, canceling at the last second — become necessary. But though they may be necessary, there is a line between “necessary” and “excuse.”

How do you avoid crossing that line? You both want and need to be a good parent, but you also want to have a good time and maybe find a new love that lasts. How do you find the balance?

Start by considering these common situations and how to handle them.

The mid-date crisis

You get a text or call mid-date, and like usual, they’re crying emergency. Only this time, it really is an emergency. Someone is hurt, sick, or in danger. The house is on fire. Someone broke in. Whether it’s your own kids, the sitter, or someone the sitter knows, you can’t finish the date. You have to head home, and you have to go now.

What to do: Be honest with your date. Explain exactly what is happening, apologize profusely, and tell them you will make it up to them. Promise to call once things are under control and follow through. Then excuse yourself and head out. Call them as soon as you have a minute free so they know you’re not just using this as an excuse to leave the date.

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The kids as an excuse

Illness, injury, dance recital, school play, awards ceremony, game… there’s always something to do with kids, isn’t there? From big events to little things like helping with homework or tucking into bed, we can easily make excuse after excuse for not going on a date. Kids take up a ton of our time and parenting is a full-time gig. It’s one thing to need to cancel occasionally because of the kids. But if you’re serious about dating, you can’t keep using them as an excuse.

What to do: Every time you use your kids as an excuse, you’re saying your date isn’t a priority. They don’t matter. So ask yourself why you’re doing that. Are you not interested in this person? Are you only dating because you think you have to, not because you want to? You may need to have some hard conversations and let someone down as easily as possible. You may need to make some difficult decisions and stop dating because it’s not what you want. Or you may need to acknowledge fear and start looking for ways to be there for your kids while also making time to date.

The forgotten request

Your kid texts to ask if they can spend the night at Susie’s house. Your ex calls to find out where Jimmy’s math book is. These are legitimate requests, but the middle of your date is not really the right time to ask you. Sometimes they’re asking because they sincerely want to know. Other times, they may be taking advantage of your situation and hoping you’ll be distracted or embarrassed enough to give them what they want without thinking about it.

What to do: In the moment that a request comes in, you have two choices: ignore it or answer it. Consider how often this happens when you make that choice. If it’s a common occurrence, it may be time to ignore the request and talk with your child or your ex about showing respect for your social life. If it’s a rare thing, you might choose to go ahead and answer since it’s likely to be a sincere request not meant to interfere with your date. In either case, whether you choose to ignore or answer, take the time later to remind children, sitters, and your ex that you’re only going to respond to emergencies in the future.

The last-minute bail

At the last minute, whoever was going to watch your kids bailed on you. They got sick, or called into work, or their car broke down. Or maybe your kid got super sick and you need to stay home and keep watch over them in case they need to go to the doctor. Maybe the kids made you sick and you’re not willing to be all snotty-nosed and coughing on your date.

What to do: Again, this is another instance of being totally honest with your date. Tell them the exact reason you’re canceling. Apologize profusely, and try to get a rescheduled date planned now. If you’re canceling due to illness or injury and can’t be sure when you’ll be able to go out yet, offer to call as soon as you know — then follow through.

The unexpected introduction

You’re out grocery shopping with the kids and run into your date. The kids want to know who they are, and suddenly, you know how a deer caught in the headlights feels. You’re caught between the kids and your date, with both sides staring at you expectantly.

What to do: Ideally, make a plan for this before it happens. Depending on your kids’ ages and the seriousness of your relationship with your date, you might wish to introduce them to your kids as just a friend or you may tell the truth. Regardless, make sure you speak up before your date does so you control the introduction. You don’t want to have to try to “fix” whatever your date says later.

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The ex explanation

Single people might or might not talk about their past relationships with new dates. But when you’re a single parent, it seems to become obligatory for a new date to ask what happened with your ex. The curiosity may or may not be innocent, but once the question is out there, you have to do something with it. You can’t just pretend it wasn’t asked.

What to do: I recommend deciding before you start dating whether you want to discuss what happened with your ex with someone new. If you decide you don’t, simply offer up a statement like, “I’d rather not talk about the past. Can we please discuss something else?” (Bonus tip: Their reaction should tell you a lot about whether you want to continue seeing them.) If you decide you do want to discuss it, decide how much you’re comfortable sharing at different stages of dating (because it might come up on the first date or the 15th!), and share what you’re comfortable with.

The demanding ex

Your ex insists on knowing who you’re dating. They want to meet the new person in your life. They demand you not introduce the kids to this new person until they say it’s okay. They might be nice about it, or they might be a total jerk about it. Their intentions might be about protecting the kids or it might be jealousy, anger, or an attempt to control you.

What to do: If you believe their intentions are sincere and they’re being nice, you can look for a compromise between giving in to their demands and a flat refusal. See if you can offer enough information to satisfy their need to know without compromising your and your date’s right to privacy. If you think your ex is just trying to be a jerk, you may need to stand your ground. In the end, you know your ex best and how best to handle them. Follow your gut — and any legal documents in place between you.

The reluctant child

Many single parents run into that moment when one or more of their children isn’t cool with Mom or Dad dating. They start whining, talking back, throwing fits or doing other things to try to get you to stay home. They tell you they don’t like the person you’re dating (even if they’ve never met them) and they might even talk to your ex to try to stir up more drama.

What to do: You can’t put your life on hold just because your child isn’t ready for you to move on. At the same time, you can’t simply ignore your child’s feelings. This means you need to find a compromise. You might start with asking your child how they feel and why they feel that way. You might even consider some family counseling if they struggle to explain it or you can’t find a compromise. Another option might be to restrict your dating to those times when your child isn’t around — weekends with the other parent, etc.

The know-it-all kid

You haven’t told your kid your dating — but they just told you. You thought your kid was too young to understand, or didn’t need to know, or you just weren’t ready to tell them. But they’ve surprised you by telling you you’re dating or asking you about your date. This usually comes completely out of the blue and you’re so thrown by it, you have no idea what to do.

What to do: Be honest. If your kid has caught on to the fact that you’re dating, it’s best to come clean. If you try to insist you’re not, you may damage trust with your child. When your child lets you know they know you’re dating, admit it. You don’t have to give them every last detail, but acknowledge they’re right. From there, you decide what they need to and should know based on their age and the seriousness of your relationship.

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The unreasonable number of dates

You finally met someone you really like. They’re funny, kind, generous, attractive — you see a potential future here and you’re excited about it. The problem? The amount of time they want to spend with you. They want to see you much more than you can reasonably give them. Whether it’s every day or every other day, they want so much of your time that you’d have to abandon your children to meet their request.

What to do: As with so many other situations listed here, be honest. Explain to your date how much you like them, and that you like spending time with them and see a future, but your time is limited. Remind them you are a package deal and as much as you’d love to see them as often as they’re asking, it’s just not possible. If they truly care about you, they will understand and be willing to see you when you’re able. If they can’t understand or continue to demand more than you can offer, it’s probably time to break things off.

Dating as a single parent can sometimes feel like you’re trying to make your way through a minefield. There are so many new things that crop up that didn’t happen when you were just a single person. A little thought and some preparation can help you navigate most of the problems that might arise. The most important thing you can do is be honest. Be honest with your date, with your kids, and most of all, yourself.