Can we change our sexual fantasies?
By: Stark Raving
Tags: Relationships, Equality, Rape, Sex, Self Improvement

Can we change our sexual fantasies?

And why should we?

Image by Enrique Meseguer from Pixabay

I once hooked up with a guy who wanted me to call him Daddy, and enjoyed role-playing scenarios of rape. At first, he didn’t tell me this, but I worked it out because it very much affected the way he had sex — he would want to spank me, be rough, pin me down. I’m into that stuff too — apart from the Daddy part because seriously where the fuck did that come from? — so it was alright for me, but I feel like he didn’t sufficiently seek to find out whether I was into it before doing quite rough things, which definitely need a check-in. He couldn’t talk about it, because he was too embarrassed by it. He didn’t want to own up to his own fantasies. The way he performed his fantasies in bed felt almost compulsive, his guilt reverberated out of him and gave a violence to his desire.

It got me thinking about sexual fantasies, and whether we have to learn to accept them, even when they make us uncomfortable. Even when our fantasies are things we don’t like about ourselves.

When I go on porn sites, I’m always amazed by the long list of “categories”. People have such incredibly diverse sexual fantasies, it is quite beautiful really. From mundane threesomes to sci-fi tentacle erotica. No fantasy is a bad fantasy. The actual issue is how we feel about them on the one hand, and how we act on the other. There is no fantasy which can compel someone to ignore consent — what compels someone to ignore consent is their lack of respect and dehumanisation of the person in front of them. That said, what pisses me off about porn categories is how stereotypical they are — and how they divide women up into sexist and racist tropes: MILFs, teens, Latina etc. It is frustrating to feel like your arousal is dependent on stereotypes which you are fighting against. Our fantasies aren’t born in a vacuum — they are the result of our society, and since our society is built on structures of oppression, that means that they carry these with them. When you are trying to question your own privilege, you might not feel comfortable carrying on with these fantasies.

That is one good reason to wish to change your sexual fantasies. Another is when you feel like they are preventing you from having a fulfilling sex life, rather than helping you to do so. In King Kong Theory, Virginie Despentes writes about her ambiguous relation to her rape fantasies, following her actual rape at the age of seventeen. What had, before, been an innocent source of arousal, became a trigger.

Of course, rape fantasies have nothing to do with rape — no more than watching a horror movie means you want to live in an old hotel, see some creepy twins, and be chased down by your father wielding an axe. Plus, the “rapes” we fantasise about are the socially scripted form of rape, which is more about violence than consent. People fantasise about rough sex. Not so much about being stone cold unconscious and raped, or badgered for hours before they eventually say yes just because they feel harassed. Regardless of the fact that rape and rape fantasies are two very distinct things, still, rape fantasies can become a trigger for survivors of sexual assault.

From my experience, I can say that it can create feelings of guilt around the sexual assault itself — a little voice saying “You don’t get to be mad or sad about your assault. You always fantasised about being raped. This is your fault. You wanted it really.” And it makes having a normal sex life after assault even harder, because your very desire becomes a trigger.

There are plenty of reasons for wanting to change your sexual fantasies — for feeling like they are a burden more than a turn-on. Which is why, all across the internet, people ask forums about how to change what arouses them:

I have been suffering from low self confidence, self esteem and a lack of self worth for quite some time now. It was when I tried finding its source that I realized my sexual fantasies are proving detrimental to my personality. They always include the woman being abandoned or mistreated. I want to change them since I am certain they are linked to my confidence issues. Is this even possible?

- A Quora Question It’s embarrassing to raise this question, but how do I change what turns me on? When I was younger I was involved in some things that were not good, but they were very erotic. Now when I have sex, these scenarios play in my head, even if I’m trying not to think of them. It’s the only way I can have an orgasm, but afterwards I’m left feeling like I have sinned in my mind. I feel dirty and bad. I want to feel good about my sexuality and be able to enjoy sex, so is it possible to change my arousal fantasies? Question from Stuff.co.nz

So is it possible?

According to sex therapists, yes.

Erotic fantasies are to a large extent a learned response — when discovering your sexuality, you might imagine certain scenarios to masturbate, and that reinforces the erotic appeal of these scenarios by linking them in your brain to orgasm. To undo this, it is important to achieve a period of not reinforcing your old fantasy by not having an orgasm with it on your mind, so as to make space for other options.

In The Elusive Orgasm, Vivienne Cass suggests two exercises to try and change your sexual fantasies:

The Cold-turkey method

1. With this strategy, you immediately stop using the old fantasy. The new replacement fantasies should be used, keeping in mind that your body will need time to adjust to the change.

2. If possible, you should masturbate two or three times a week for at least six weeks (but take as long as you need), using the new fantasies. If you can’t do the exercise this often, be prepared for a longer adjustment time.

3. Remember to stay positive about the new fantasies. If you find yourself thinking negatively during the exercise, immediately switch your thinking to the positive statements you identified earlier in this section (Positive statements about my new fantasies.) Remind yourself why you’re making these changes.

The Fantasy-swapping method

1. Begin masturbating with the old fantasy for about one minute. Then switch to the new fantasy for at least three minutes. The longer you can go with the new fantasy, the better.

2. If you feel your arousal die away, return to the old fantasy for another minute. Then, once again, switch to the new one. Stay with this for another three minutes. Keep this pattern going until you wish to finish.

3. Always, always end your masturbation session with the new fantasy.

4. Do this two or three times a week for at least eight weeks (but take as long as you need.) As in the “cold-turkey” method, keep your thoughts positive.

You can combine this with exposing yourself to different forms of erotica — novels for example, or feminist porn. Try to focus on the sensations and energy in your body when you are aroused, so as to build a deep connection with your sexual energy.

The important thing to remember is that your sexual fantasies are supposed to be contributing to a fulfilling sex-life — whether on your own or with other people. If they are not doing so, you have the power to control them.