Mirrors
By: Jake Kahana
Tags: Reflections, Self Improvement, Self-awareness, Mirror, Self Portrait

Mirrors

“Multitasking” a painting by Ricky Mujica

I. Mirrors

Yvonne volunteered to go first. She slowly walked to front of the room while 15 of us eyed her every step. She sat in the chair facing the class and said, “Hi, I’m Yvonne.” And then sat silently while we flipped over our papers. On the other side was a list of 200 adjectives and we circled every one that applied to her. We each went up and introduced ourselves and by the end of the night, each student had a list of the first impressions we had.

A few years ago, I took a class called Personal Mythology– the premise was to develop a vocabulary to talk about ourself and understand how people see us–to reveal our own “mythic assignment.”

The class taught me that we don’t know how to talk about ourselves in a way that really captures who we are. But by tapping into the way that other people see us, we can better understand ourselves.

We need clearer mirrors around us to see who we really are. This month I’m exploring how we see ourselves. Let’s talk mirrors.

Thanks for opening the email fridge. Happy snacking.

Self Portraits at 15, 18, 25, 57, and 90 years old by Pablo Picasso

II. Persistence of Identity

Ever heard of the Ship of Theseus? Here’s the backstory: In Ancient Greece, Theseus defeats the Minotaur and sails back to Athens in victory. And every year for a thousand years, the same wooden ship recreates the voyage from Crete in celebration. As its planks age, they are replaced with new ones. After some time, every single plank has been replaced insofar that no original wood remained.

Is this still the Ship of Theseus? If not, at which point is it something else?

Then! All the old wood that was taken off the original ship was put back together to form a new ship. Two ships. Both call themselves the Ship of Theseus. Which one is the real ship?

This thought experiment was invented by the Greek historian Plutarch to explore the persistence of identity. Who are we if we are constantly changing? Are we our body? Our brains? Our memory? As these change slowly, when do we shed our old selves and “become” our new selves?

It was my birthday this month. As I was reflecting on the last 10 years of birthdays I felt distant from that me a decade ago, I couldn’t pinpoint the moments of change.

When I planned my 24th birthday, the goal was to have memorable fun with friends. As I planned my 34th, I realized the brief is the same, but definitions have changed. “Memorable” is now about impact and tradition, not story-worthy. “Fun” is connected to emotional depth and human connection, not just Ferris Bueller-y adventure. And even “friends” has a different definition now.

We’re always replacing parts of us with new pieces that fit better, slowly reconstructing ourselves every day and every year and every decade. Our ships keep getting more resilient and sturdy and durable.

The storms that would have crashed our ship 10 years ago, are the same storms that we face today without pause.

We are stronger than we remember ourselves to be.

Self Portrait by Vivian Maier

III. False Mirrors

Let’s try a different thought experiment:

I am Texas. Lots of land. Big Hair. Boots. Tex-Mex. Queso. Cattle. BBQ. Oil. I’m Big. Huge.

I know all that. But sometimes all that can feel boring.

Y’know what’s exciting?

LOBSTER!

Everyone loves lobster. Succulent, juicy, red lobster cracked open and dipped in butter. My friend Maine is the best at lobsters. It’s so easy for her. Maybe I could be good at Lobsters. I can see it now: “Texas has the best Lobsters!”

I want to do that!

…

It sounds stupid, but we all do it.

Looking at ourselves honestly is really hard.

So rather than look at ourselves with gratitude and make the appropriate plan suited to who we are, what we’re good at, and what’s best for us, we look to other people and believe that they are mirrors.

I see it when “successful people” give talks or book signings. People want to ask about how they did it– how they broke in, how they got discovered, what advice they have for someone starting out, what inspires them. The implicit thought is, “They did it that way, I will be successful too if I do the same thing.”

The spoiler is: we will never fully become that other person. They have their own history and experiences different than our own. They have innate strengths and skills separate than the ones we’ve been building up over our lifetime. We have values and people in our lives that will shape a different outcome.

Role models are not mirrors.

Role models are flashlights that help us see ourselves better in the dark.

What can we learn now that we can see myself better in their light? How might they inspire us? Unblock us? How might we learn to embrace our own identity by seeing how they’ve embraced theirs? How might we let them reveal a path we didn’t see before?

Use that light to understand that we are all states–we have our own shape and history, our own laws that govern us, with our own flags to wave and mottos to believe in. The bad news is: if you’re Texas, you’ll never be Maine.

(But why would that even be your goal?)

The good news is: if you are Texas, you are the best Texas there ever has been.

Still from “Dollface” a video by Andy Huang

IV. The Mirror of Time

I’ve been friends with Jessica for 10 years but I’ve only hung out with her about 15 or 20 times. She wasn’t invited to my wedding and we’re still friends. She didn’t tell me about her last breakup and we’re still friends.

I see Jessica about once a year and we’re both totally cool with that.

What’s interesting to me is that our infrequent friendship reveals different patterns about ourselves. It’s like working on a puzzle. With most of my other friends, I’ll be focusing on one small corner– “let me share this idea I had,” or “guess what happened on the train” or “today was a stressful, busy day.” But with Jessica, it’s like I’m looking at the whole puzzle. It’s pointless to just run through the milestones that have happened since our last hangout, so our conversations are thematic instead of topical.

Over the last decade, the connection of these themes reveal something about us. What stories do we keep coming back to? What remains of ourselves when we strip away the day-to-day drama and minutiae? How do we show up if we can’t bring our busy-ness with us?

We always show up as ourselves.

Our problems at work are the same problems we have at home. Our values don’t suddenly turn back on when we get home. The fears you have about relationships are the same blockers at work.

It’s just hard to see ourselves.

We need to find the mirrors in our lives–the things and people and processes around us that give us the big picture of ourselves; an honest reflection of how we show up and who we really are.

Mirrors can be a friend that you see infrequently. The friends that call us out and keep us in integrity. A coach or therapist. A mentor. You can create your own mirrors by documenting and tracking how you show up or reflecting in a journal and seeing the themes and patterns that emerge.

We have mirrors all around us, we’re just not always willing to look into them and see ourselves.

“Desmond” a photo in the “mirror, mirror” series by Ryan McGinley

V. I See You

Thanks for opening this and making it all the way through. I see your commitment and truly appreciate it. I hope this refrigerator brings a little light into your day and life, and that it helps you see something in a new way.

If you enjoyed it, be a mirror for a friend and share it with them.

And if it sparked something for you, just respond.

See you next month.

Jake