What I Learned From My First Barre Class
By: Tracey Folly
Tags: Mental Health, Humor, Fitness, Health, Self

I woke up one day this week with a brilliant idea. What if I started getting in shape by taking barre classes online? I could document the whole thing in a series of blog posts and YouTube videos and come out of the experiment with a whole new body.

It was a win-win situation.

To prepare for my barre experiment, I learned how to make YouTube videos, purchased a tripod with an attached ring light, and ordered a workout journal. Then I set up my workout area in the basement, located my long-missing tape measure, and got ready for my first day.

That day was today.

I was super excited so I started early, around 7:30 a.m. With a full water bottle and a heart filled with hope, I began. First things first, I got on the scale. There were no surprises there. I’d gained sixty pounds since the last time I was at my goal weight or seventy pounds since my high-school ideal.

Since high school was a very long time ago, I figured I’d go with the kinder, gentler sixty-pound weight gain. Only twenty of those pounds had arrived since quarantine earlier this year.

After noting my new weight in my new workout journal, I took my “before” pics using my new ring light and tripod combo. Even the warmest light setting couldn’t soften the horror of those pictures. I’ll save them in case there’s ever an “after” set to compare them with. Until then, they are staying in the vault.

Then I recorded a “fun” introductory video explaining my intentions. “My name is Tracey,” I said. “This is my basement where I will be doing barre workouts for the next eight weeks in order to answer the question, ‘Do barre workouts really work?’”

I carried on about how fun and effective the workouts would be and explained that I wouldn’t be dieting since I wanted to measure the success of the workouts alone. The truth is I just didn’t think I’d be able to stick to a diet. So I was hoping the workouts would be enough.

Full disclosure: I knew the workouts alone wouldn’t be enough.

Finally, it was time to get down to my first workout. I considered trying one of the advanced barre workouts. I reasoned that an advanced workout would be harder and thus more effective, and I wanted those results as soon as possible.

In the end, I chose a barre workout for beginners. With my iPhone mounted on my tripod and my lime green booty shorts riding up my thighs, I started the workout video on my MacBook and started recording on my iPhone.

I jumped into place and followed along with the workout. It started out fine. I was swinging my arms and kicking and high stepping in place. Then I followed the instructor in making small movements with light weights.

“This isn’t so bad,” I thought.

Then it got worse. At the point where all the people on the screen were doing pushups, and I was lying flat on my back on the floor panting, I realized barre workouts were not the workouts for me.

Nonetheless, I vowed to power through it.

“And that was the warm-up,” my online barre instructor announced.

I groaned and muttered to myself. There may have been a few colorful words and phrases thrown in.

After I rolled myself back to my feet, I tried to finish the workout. I made it thirty-eight minutes into the one-hour barre video.

The final straw was when we all sat on the floor with one leg bent in front and the other leg bent behind us. With both hands on the floor, we were supposed to lift and pulse the rear leg. The women onscreen looked like graceful ballet dancers. My leg wouldn’t even come off the floor.

Maybe my limbs are too short.

I canceled my subscription to the barre videos immediately, not wanting to risk being charged after the trial period ends. It’s fortunate for me that I got a Black Friday deal, thirty days for a dollar. As it turned out, a dollar was too much.

At the moment, I am a woman without a workout plan who still needs to work out.

Gyms are open, but I’d rather not take my chances with the novel coronavirus still spreading. Likewise with local yoga studios. Staying at home just feels safer, and an end to the pandemic feels like it’s a million years away.

Meanwhile, I am in the worst shape of my life, and I don’t know what to do. I just know that I want to document it on YouTube just in case I figure out a way to succeed.

I just need to answer one question. It just isn’t the question I thought.

While I set out to answer the question, “Do barre classes really work?” I realized the real question I need to answer is, “How do you get into the best shape of your life during a global pandemic?”

I only wish I had the answer.

At least I didn’t cry this time.

The first time I used the treadmill at the gym, I cried silently as I walked. Tears streamed down my face and washed my mascara down my cheeks in straight black lines.

I thought I saw a few strange looks as I walked to the locker room, but I attributed it to my own self-consciousness and paranoia until I saw my face in the bathroom mirror.

On my first day of kickboxing class several years later, I spent the majority of the class hiding behind one of the heavy bags and sobbing. So, in some small way, today’s barre class experiment was a success.

Now, I just have to figure out how to get in shape.