Please Don’t Body Shame My Baby
By: Rodney Uhler
Tags: Baby, Body Image, Humor, Parenting, Satire

We know this is not the best angle for his body but it’s the only one he’ll do.

To my friends and parents, my “farents,” your attention and company over these past few months has been so valued (your numerous e-cards have also been…received, Karen), but I really can’t stay silent on this much longer. Please stop body-shaming my baby.

Many of you know Baby Alex was born predisposed to sensitivity about his self-worth given that he was delivered by the doctor (I will not name names) who graduated from a state school and not the Yale educated doctor, whom we were told would be on duty. We could tell he was aware of this because he came out of the womb and immediately started crying. This was not helped when Brad made one of his “jokes” while we were still in the delivery room, “looks like has a bald spot just like his daddy.” but that is something Brad and I are working through together…privately.

Because of all this I have been sensitive to comments made around or about Baby Alex, and I hoped you would too, but ultimately it has come to this, a bcc email. My baby and our feeding plan is between me, our Nanny, our back-up Nanny, that one cashier at Whole foods, and sometimes Brad. I understand as parents it comes up as a topic of conversation, especially when Dancing With the Stars is between seasons. That being said, please know I can recognize the tone when you say, “Is he eating solids yet?” If I could I would be giving the baby oat milk instead of breast milk but apparently that is not appropriate, I know because I asked the doctor…the Yale one. And despite a rigorous and sometimes, frankly, exhausting personal diet, I am not yet producing oat, almond or other dairy free products. Legally I cannot claim my breast milk as organic but I assure you the Xanax has little to no effect on it.

Yes, we’re all aware that he’s putting everything in his mouth. Will that lead to an emotional eating dependency in his adult life? It’s something we have discussed with the baby a few times so he is aware of this possibility.

I appreciate your interest in buying him clothes, truly I do, but clothes shopping can be sensitive for a baby with hyper self-image issues. Constantly asking what size he is can be triggering. As adults I believe we’ve all heard the expression that “black is a slimming color,” so I’m not quite sure why I received so many questions when the clothing on his registry was predominately black. Yes overalls are cute, but they do not hide his problem areas so we will no longer be accepting them.

“He’s growing so fast,” may sound like a compliment to you, but to him it’s a harsh critique of his body size in an already idealized Gerber baby world. Not only that but on a personal level Brad’s sister’s baby Claudia was an instantaneous over-achiever by being born before her due date, and now he has to deal with that and the way her arms look in that sleeveless onesie. Additionally we would appreciate it if you refrain from using phrases like “big boy,” or “chubby cheeks,” and would ask that you instead use something like “full-figured boy,” or “Curvy face.” Comments on his “fat little thighs” or him being a “chunky monkey,” during bathing suit season are just plain mean.

And (Karen) it feels like it should go without saying but you should never ask a baby how much they weigh.

Thank you for taking this into consideration, and we hope to see you all at Alex’s future 1st birthday! Please note the event is BYOOM (Bring Your Own Oat Milk).