How Fitness Destroyed My Mental Health
By: Leah O'Daniel
Tags: Women, Healing, Fertility, Mental Health, Fitness

Six months after Eliot was born still, when the physical complications cleared me to return to fitness, I couldn’t. I would pick up a barbell, maybe push out a few reps, and then burst into uncontrollable sobs. I thought I had lost interest in all of it. Telling myself that it happens because it does. You grow and change through life. I missed it but found myself being overwhelmed at the idea of writing out a meal plan, calorie tracking, and having a training plan for myself. I — a trainer, and nutritionist — overwhelmed with it because I am a human experiencing real life, too. I paid money to other people on the internet who promised to help me deal with my eating disorder. It failed. Why? Because none of the ones I could find had their own personal experience with it.

Instead, I created my own “protocol” (on accident) that worked for me.

I unfollowed every fitness account.

If you have ever lost any amount of weight or gotten into a gym program, you likely follow some, if not many, accounts on social media of the gurus in that sphere. Whatever worked for achieving a desirable “fitness” goal is now an IG account full of promoting whatever it is. MLM weight loss products, diets, surgeons, workout programs. Now, here we are with massive amounts of “fitness” accounts from self-made experts.

Despite knowing how to discern fact from Instagram, and perfect body fiction, it was still difficult to navigate. What they served to do instead was make me feel like I was failing nearly every second of every day. How could I ever get back to any of that? I was convinced I never would and never could. (And I know that if it happened to me it happens to all of you, too).

I unfollowed them all. Including my long time friends.

I ate whatever I wanted.

When I felt like it.

When you spend literal years in a caloric deficit via point or container systems without having a professional or the knowledge to calculate proper macronutrients and intake needs for your body, you will damage your metabolism. I did not know this in the beginning years but even after I learned, it was still extremely difficult. My body always reverted to undereating or giving off few (if any) hunger cues during periods of stress. The idea of meal prepping and tracking felt too overwhelming to me, so I didn’t.

It took many months before I did not have extreme food anxiety over this. The panic about what I was putting into my body, how it would show up on the scale, how far back would it set me ate me alive (pun intended). So, in moderation, I ate whatever sounded good to me. There were truly no good or bad foods for the first time.

I moved my body in whatever way felt good to me.

This meant taking long walks or hikes or doing some heavy squats or deadlifts until it no longer felt good anymore. This also meant I was much less active than I had been previously and sometimes, I did not move it at all.

I spent years dedicating between four and six days a week with a training plan of some kind. My rest days were what we call “active rest” days. Meaning that, even on days without a set plan, I was still gently active (re yoga, walking, hiking, biking, rowing). It took a massive amount of self-restraint to not fall into a trap of feeling like my “training” was pointless when operating at minimal levels like this but eventually, absolving myself of the pressure to perform was a much needed mental break.

I ditched my Fitbit.

The thing is, there is little to no science behind 10K steps per day. They are inherent estimates and, therefore, often incorrect. Stirring a pot of soup on the stove can be registered as steps regardless of how expensive your fitness device is.

Either way, it is not any measure of self-worth, and I have had many clients also fall victim to this mentality too.

I shifted my definition of fitness.

Most people, including too many in the industry, think of fitness only as physical health. This ideology is how women like me fall into this trap of achieving weight loss, exercise, and then “falling from fitness grace” after a pregnancy, loss, or because life just happens. But fitness is all things with a small mindset shift. It sort of went like this: instead of training sessions, I started viewing my therapy appointments as my workout for that day.

Because…

Fitness is living now. No fluff. Fitness is mental health. Fitness is self-care. Fitness is balance. Fitness is connecting with friends. Fitness is enjoying life in the body you have at this moment.

Not when you lose 10 more pounds. Not when your 1100 calorie diet allows you to purchase those smaller shorts or gifts you a “bikini” body. Not punishing or berating yourself for working out or for not working out.

If you have experienced this burnout or fall from the good graces of all the things that fitness as an industry is, please know it is not a reflection of you or your self-worth.

You can heal. You can love yourself again. You can wear whatever you want and eat whatever you want, too.