Dispatches from the Grandmother Ship
Tags: Ninja Writers, Grandmothering, Grandparents, Self Acceptance, Grandmother

When my daughter had her baby last October (our first grandchild), I got a card that said, “Every time a child is born, a grandparent is born.”

Countless blogs and books and podcasts exist that address the tsunami that new motherhood is. I mean. It’s such an overwhelming event, we will never come to the end of understanding it.

But when ‘a grandparent is born,’ there doesn’t seem to be much of a map for it.

That said, there are huge unspoken cultural expectations. Expectations that we will burst into tears when we first lay eyes on our grandchild. That we will love him more than our child. And that we are the font of wisdom — we will know what to do in every situation because we remember what we did when they were babies.

None of it is helpful. Or even necessarily true.

For instance, when I first held my grandson in my arms, there are no words for what I felt. They don’t exist. But whatever that was, it all sat behind a screen of “What does ‘a grandmother’ look like? Am I doing this right?” “Where are the tears that should be falling?” and “Chloe knows more on his first day of his life than I ever did. How will I ever catch up to her?” Which meant that when William snuggled into my embrace, larval miracle that he was, part of me was nervous and undone and I felt guilty about how much I didn’t know or remember.

All those thoughts did their best to obscure the speechless awe I felt in his presence. My daughter noticed. She asked me, “You seem weird. Are you ok?”

Jesus. How did I get so far from my own core? And when did it become a sin to just be where we’re at without all the second-guessing?

It doesn’t matter. What matters is facing and embracing what is right now. And for today, here’s what is:

I thought there was something terribly wrong with me because I didn’t burst into tears upon seeing my William for the first time. But it turns out I’m just this kind of plant in the garden. Tears are not as available to me as they are for most others. It’s ok. It’s how I show up in the world. There is great freedom in being cool with this. Whoever said, “You’ll love your grandchild more than your child” is completely full of it. There is no measuring either one. And I have never loved my daughter more than at this moment, as I watch her navigate the five thousand decisions she has to make every day to get her baby son loved, nurtured, fed, and off to daycare in time for her to get to work…then do it all in reverse at the end of the day. The baked-in expectation that I would be wise and all-knowing created a terrible environment in my head. Any time we “expect” ourselves to “be” anything, we’re screwed. Gently take the expectation (if you can identify it), and set it aside, so you can be and feel and see more clearly. Once I did that, I realized there are things I do know, without trying. I know how to hold this precious baby in my arms. I know the love that fills my heart, and how to let it flow into him. I know this without having to “know” anything else. This is all that matters. Everything else can be taught. And oh my God what there is out there to learn. Car seats, buckles, latches, clicks, stroller wheels, adjustable high chair restraints, daycare protocol, new types of baby clothes… (I nearly fainted with joy when I first put on his little onesie, and it was outfitted with little magnets instead of snaps. You just kind of bring the edges of the clothing together loosely and all the magnets find each other and VOILÀ! It’s on!) I just spent two weeks with my daughter and grandson (he’s now six months old), and cannot believe how much I’ve grown — watching the whole process of having a six-month-old, witnessing my daughter’s fortitude and her fierce capacity for love and engagement, and coming into relationship with my beautiful, mind-blowing grandson — and myself.

Bottom line for today? Let’s just be where we’re at. Stop second-guessing everything. We’re doing great. It’s all good. And if you’re a first time grandmother reading this, let yourself be as new and curious as your grandchild is…You’re both new to this.