My ecstatic birth experience
By: Jennifer Rawson
Tags: Transformation, Birth, Sacred Feminine

My birth with Juliet was the most unbelievable, awe inspiring moments of my life in the most beautiful way you can imagine. Every one of my previous births have been less than ideal. Not as traumatic as many people I know but they filled me with sadness, fear, and a general sense of feeling I had missed out on something really magical. I have never had a real support system afterwards, always ended up with moderate to severe ppd. My previous birth I had it so bad it turned into psychosis. So when we found out about Juliet I was filled with all sorts of emotions. I struggled with the idea of going through all of that again, even though she was planned. It was like a flip of a switch happened in my head when we found out and I felt a heavy sense of dread for most of the pregnancy. We had also planned on starting to try conceiving her after we were established in Portland around my daughter Lunas birthday. She came 6 months early.

We had just moved into a new city, no family, no friends, super rocky support system. In my first trimester the hormones had already shaken me down. I knew this time, if I didn’t change shit up big time, I was going to go down a rabbit hole I most likely wouldn’t have crawled out of. Around the end of my second trimester I started making some pretty dramatic life changes that I feel were absolutely revolutionary for me and the birth of Juliet. I made so many many preparations. Like establishing a relationship with a wonderful therapist, having a serious supplement system set up with extra doses of Vit D, CBD, and St Johns wort, and making sure my best friend from out of state was going to come and help. She actually ended up staying for a month!!! The midwives we chose were so phenomenal and extremely supportive. These were powerful by themselves for peace of mind, and added support but there were some very specific changes I made that I feel made this birth the powerful experience that it was.

One of the biggest changes I made was I started bringing a deep sense of honor and connection to my womb, my ovaries, cervix and vagina. I started this practice that I just call a womb cultivation where I bring energy up from the earth and just hold space, I feel what emotions might be present, and I connect to my femininity. I found that I had some pretty severe wounds here. I held so much grief over so many things. And as I gave presence to these wounds they shifted and that part of my body started feeling really alive. It was through this very specific exercise that made all the difference. This is what made me change all my energetic patterns around receiving love and support, heal the wounds from my previous births and even heal many of my sexual wounds too and just so much more that have nothing to do with this birth. Doing this preparation every day months before the birth cleared the path for me! And gave me the tools that made the birth such an ecstatic experience.

My body usually goes into false labor for a couple of weeks, and so when labor started it wasn’t shocking to me that it would slow down. Every time it sped up and then slowed down, I was able to just flow with it. I decided that I wanted this to be a beautiful experience just as much as the actual birth so I never forced my body to have more contractions. (Although I had a lot of pressure to do so.) I just relaxed and enjoyed the ride as much as possible during the 2 weeks of contractions leading up to the event. What surprised me the most was that I wasn’t in extreme emotional distress around it. Contractions would increase and they were fierce! I must say! and I was pretty level headed and emotionally stable the whole time. I wasn’t in a rush. I wasn’t letting the pressure get to me. I just stayed connected to my body, and let my body do its thing. I honored it. This is just how my body prepares for birth and it wasn’t super frustrating to me. It was too important to me hold that honor and respect for Juliet and the experience I wanted, so any frustrations around when the birth was finally going to happen just melted away for me. Which was absolutely revolutionary for me!! In the past I was a mess emotionally. I just knew I had all the support within me, I had all the support around me, and no matter when the baby showed up, I was taken care of.

We did end up having to sweep my membranes a week after my due date, I was 3 cm and 80% effaced for an entire week. Even the sweep took 24 hours to fully kick things into gear. I had started the contractions hours after, but they didn’t become regular until 11 am the next day. I had been having serious contractions all night. I had maybe gotten 4 hours of sleep. So I literally just sat around all day and rested as much as I could to prepare my body. Now this sounds really fucking exhausting right? This sounds like I would be a mess. NOPE!!! I was totally fine. Emotionally, and even physically. I had been doing my womb cultivation exercise and moving the energy of the contractions up and down my body.

Part of the work that I do is called inner alchemy. Its an ancient egyptian technique of moving your sexual energy up into each of your chakras, What I did with each contraction, I would sip it up into each of my chakras in the same way. I kind of just treated each contraction like I would an orgasm. And it cut the pain in half. It helped me stay present in my body, I was completely coherent and even laughing the whole time. I wasnt emotionally or even physically exhausted in any way. Which was shocking to us all. When the contractions got really intense I just started dancing with them. I moved the energy through dance.

All 3 of my babies had been birthed posterior. So the back labor I experienced was excruciating. I really believe that this was a manifestation of the lack of support I had felt not just with the birth and child rearing but also in my life in general. I have never felt any support of any kind. Through these practices I had completely changed that dynamic and this baby was not posterior! So I was also expecting it to be a lot more painful than it was. There was a moment when I had felt my legs shaking as if my body was undergoing a lot more pain and stress than my brain was interpreting. I was still laughing and dancing with my family. So I went to my husband and I said, I feel like I’m a lot further along than my body is telling me. My contractions don’t get regular until I hit transition, we have to go based off the pain so I was a little nervous and apparently he had already called the midwife and she would be there in the next 20 minutes.

Sure enough, I was 6 cm dilated and 90% effaced and when I hit transition the baby comes within 30 min so we filled the tub and prepared to have the baby in the next couple of hours.

The energy stayed the same for me. I was completely cognitive, coherent, and my pain never got unbearable at any time. I was enjoying myself the whole time. Smiling and conversing like normal. They got more intense of course, but I just kept dancing, and moving the energy throughout my body. I stayed connected. I had set very clear intentions and I focused on those through out the labor. It was absolutely ecstatic. There were many moments where the contractions felt pleasurable even. The midwives even have a video of me dancing with one of my contractions in the birth pool.

When I started feeling like I had to bear down, I turned around and told the midwives because I knew that baby was coming in like 10 minutes. But I said it with the most calm voice. I was so shocked at how centered and grounded I felt. Right before she started coming down the canal I jokingly said, UGH! I don’t want to do this anymore! and I smiled and looked over at my husband so he knew I was joking. Yeah.. I was so calm that I was joking as I was pushing a baby out of my body. That to me, just absolutely blows my mind.

The only time I had ever experienced fear or pain that I felt was unmanageable were the very last moments of her coming out the canal. If I’m going to be really honest, it was the only time I didn’t use my voice and state my boundaries. My mother was trying to support me and it was very uncomfortable and I broke my own boundaries by not speaking up. Which made me have to be more present with those emotions, instead of my bodies experience, That part was a lot more painful than it could have been. For all I know, I could have had a completely orgasmic birth if I had asked her to give me space. The other side of that is if I had done that, I wouldn’t have been nice about it, and it really would have hurt her a lot and I knew that. So it was a sacrifice I was willing to make at the time. I channeled my inner Sekhmet and Kali and just ignited my power as much as I could to compensate.

When Juliet came out, she was perfect. I was able to bond with her very strongly. My postpartum pains were so minor in comparison. It was just an absolutely ecstatic experience over all. I wouldn’t say it was an orgasmic birth but it was really fucking close. My healing has been accelerated. I have been able to connect so deeply to her. So far there have been no post partum depression fears. She is absolutely perfect in every way and I feel the same. I had made quite a few powerful intentions for the birth and I feel every single one was manifested. I feel so powerful from this experience. Its literally a night and day difference from my other births. For me this is a huge representation of how much the practices I have learned can truly transform your life.

I have had to not push and breath through the contractions at the end of my birth for 20 min waiting for the doctor to arrive, I have had my midwife be late and birth completely alone on my floor, I have had an experience where I was completely unable to bond with the baby afterwards, the pain on all of them was excruciating, extremely high levels of fear, and never any support afterwards. PPD every time. I changed all those patterns. Every single one. And had a birth experience one might feel would be absolutely impossible. On a bigger level, I have never felt more grounded, connected, whole, and supported in my entire life. I feel completely liberated and free. To be the mom I know I am, to be a sexy feminine goddess at the same time, and to be fully sovereign within myself. These practices haven’t just made my birth a magical experience, they have transformed me and my entire life.