6 Qualities an Abusive Relationship is Missing
By: Suzanna Quintana
Tags: Relationships, Life Lessons, Abuse, This Happened To Me, Abusive Relationships

When abuse is physical, the sign that the relationship isn’t a healthy one is pretty clear cut.

But what if a person you love never lays a hand on you? What if you don’t have a black eye or bruises to show for your pain? If there is no physical abuse in the relationship, does that mean it’s not abusive?

And even if we know something’s wrong, even when we’re hurting at the hands of someone we love, if we can’t put our finger on it or put into words what we’re feeling then chances are we will stay in the relationship longer than we should, even at the expense of our own well-being.

When I was drowning in an abusive marriage to a clinically diagnosed narcissist, I used to wish that he would hit me so I could have proof of my pain. I could then show others, I could reach out for help, and I could finally have the “reason” I was looking for to leave.

But because of how insidious emotional abuse is, I was unable to see the bigger picture. I relied solely on looking for physical clues while at the same time I was missing all the actual signs. Because of the gaslighting I had unknowingly been a victim of for years, my view of reality was blocked by the blinders I wore. And because my childhood was spent normalizing the abuse of my father, the dots remained unconnected as I focused only on my role and responsibility, which meant I spent a lot of time convinced I was the reason for whatever problems there were in the marriage.

Oftentimes the reason we can’t see the abuse for what it really is is that we don’t know any other way of being. If we are raised in a home with abuse that lacks the physical component to it, we become normalized from a young age to believe this is how relationships and marriage work. Once we become adults ourselves, it then makes perfect sense for us to imitate what was modeled since this is all we know.

Though it took me until my mid-forties and having my life devastated by a narcissist who took joy in ripping out my heart and eating it in front of me (Hannibal Lector had nothing on this guy in terms of cruelty), I finally learned the chasm of difference between a healthy relationship and an abusive one.

The most obvious and easiest to spot is the presence of physical abuse. However, the following six components in a healthy relationship are just as, if not more, important to understand. When these aspects are missing, abuse is quick to fill in the holes.

1. Respect

There is a huge difference between respect and fear. Growing up, I didn’t know this. I was taught that respect and fear went hand in hand and were interchangeable. I was afraid of my father, just as I became of the men I married. I was scared of their judgment, their scorn, their punishment, and the consequences they doled out if I got out of line. I assumed respect was tied up in that fear. But you can’t frighten someone into respecting you. Likewise, respect and control cannot coexist. If someone’s intention is to keep you under control, there is a disregard for your well-being. Your voice is unimportant and a hindrance to an abuser who wants to maintain dominance. An abuser does not respect their victim. Full stop.

In a healthy relationship, respect will be reciprocated by both parties through an exchange of consideration, appreciation, and recognition that doesn’t rely on one person having more control than the other.

2. Equality

In an abusive relationship, there is no equality due to an abuser’s reliance on an imbalance in order to get away with their abuse. Like the game King of the Hill, there’s only room for one at the top while a victim of abuse spends their time scrambling up the sides, only to be kicked back down again when they get too close. An abuser is like the wizard in Oz, hiding behind a curtain and feigning power. A victim of abuse is like Dorothy, unwitting to the fact she’s been tricked and is not as powerless as she believes herself to be.

In a healthy relationship, equality between partners is the foundation on which a house is built. While disagreements still exist, they still see one another eye to eye. Whatever hills there are to climb, there is room for both to enjoy the view at the top.

3. Communication

Since an abuser relies on the silence and submission of their victim, there lacks an open line of communication within the relationship. While one person acts as lord and master over all conversation, the other is emotionally exhausted from having to monitor every word they say in fear of being punished, insulted, humiliated, or dismissed entirely. In an abusive relationship, words are not free to roam — at least not by one of the parties. Communication is booby-trapped with any victim being careful of every word that comes out of their mouth, as though they were walking through a minefield.

In a healthy relationship, communication is a giant meadow where everyone can run around freely without fear of grizzlies hiding in the woods, waiting to attack. Words are the ingredients that make up delicious expressions, opinions, beliefs, and aspirations that two people enjoy together. Not only is each party listened to, but they are heard.

4. Safety

There is one surefire way to tell if the relationship you’re in is abusive. Do you feel safe? Obviously, the extreme of this is believing your life is in danger. But you don’t need to go nearly that far to prove that the relationship you’re in is dangerous for your well-being. Abusers create an atmosphere in which any victim second-guesses their every move. There is no solid ground, only eggshells to walk on. You live with both the good Dr. Jekyll and the evil Mr. Hyde. You question everything and are afraid to turn your back. In an abusive relationship, there is no clarity. The fog rolls in regularly and you can’t see two feet in front of you. Abusers purposely spin you around and around so fast that once you’ve stopped your vision is blurry and you can’t walk a straight line. When all you need is a kind word or a hand to hold, and in your most vulnerable moments, you are kicked when you’re already down.

In a healthy relationship, you won’t feel like you’re the punchline of a cruel joke. There are no head games that make you question your sanity or your worth. Vulnerability is welcome. You sleep well knowing that the one you love has no hidden agenda to hurt or control you. Safety becomes the campfire that never goes out and always keeps you warm.

5. Peace

This is another easy aspect of an abusive relationship to spot. Not so easy to accept, however, since if we have normalized non-physical abuse from our childhood, we may be so accustomed to turbulence that we don’t know what to do once we hit smooth air. In order for abusers to maintain control over their victims, they create an unstable environment. An abuser purposely creates stormy seas for their victim to navigate, then pretends to be the buoy — the only rescue — that is available to save them. In an abusive relationship, you can’t seem to catch your breath. There is no space to let your guard down and exhale.

In a healthy relationship, both partners are used to hanging out in the calm parts of the water. There is harmony; there is tranquility. This is not to say your life is free of storms and upheaval, but you have a deep inner knowing and trust that no matter the dark days that may come, blues skies are always ahead.

6. Love

Here is the simple truth: Love and abuse cannot coexist. While we may feel love for someone even if that someone is hurting us deliberately, that love is based on an illusion of what we refuse to see or admit to ourselves. If someone is purposely trying to control what we do and how we think, purposely maintaining control, and purposely using their power to make us feel powerless, there is no love existing in that room. In fact, abusers exploit someone’s love for them (again, purposely) so they are able to continue their abuse.

In a healthy relationship, love in its purest form exists between two people whose only motive is to love one another. Not to control them, or manipulate them, or to maintain power over them. Love is abundant with integrity and character; it serves your best interests. Love opens up its arms and has room for each partner in its embrace. Love recognizes you are enough just as you are. Love is the light. The darkness of abuse has no opportunity to survive.