5 Signs You Are Dealing With a Narcissist
By: Alexandra Tsuneta
Tags: Narcissistic Personality, Abuse, Advice, Trauma, Narcissism

5 Signs You Are Dealing With a Narcissist

Dealing with a narcissistic personality is hard work, here are the signs.

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If you are like me, you may have found yourself being taken advantage of more than a few times in your life, this may have left you feeling stupid, sad, and lost. Why is it that you continue to find yourself in these situations? It’s like there is a beacon calling out to all of the narcissists, “here I am, I am kind and I will not realize what you are doing until it is too late.”

I’m here to tell you that it’s not you, it’s them.

Narcissistic personalities intentionally seek out people who are soft and vulnerable, often they seek out those of us with previous traumatic experiences that they can use to their advantage. If you are particularly open about your experiences and you confide in your narcissist about your trauma, you can bet your bottom dollar that inevitably they will use your trauma to control you.

There are the tell-tale signs of a narcissistic personality, signs such as entitlement, superiority, perfectionism, a need for attention and constant validation, and fear of rejection or criticism. However, I want to talk about the signs that you only begin to see whilst you are dealing with a narcissist — the signs that at the end you think, “Wow, how did I not see this before,” because these are the signs you need to be looking out for from the get-go.

I will also be touching on the aftermath and subsequent trauma of dealing with a narcissist, and how to begin the healing process. Believe me, you are not alone in this.

#1: They need to be in control of every situation.

My most recent experience began when I wanted to take a trip with four friends and we were talking about lodging. The trip happened to be around the same time as both my friend's anniversary (the narcissist) and my own anniversary with my husband. However, it happened to land on the exact same day as mine and my husband’s anniversary. I preferred to get a hotel room for added privacy, however, she wanted to rent a very large, and very expensive home.

I had explained that I need to be saving money and that I don’t really have the money for this home, but she guilt-tripped me and told me that everybody else on the trip wanted to rent this home and everybody else could afford it. Thus, I felt horrible so I agreed, and when I saw the home I stated that I would love to have the room with the bathtub because this trip lands on my 2nd wedding anniversary.

I had not expected the backlash or the argument that took place about a damn bathtub. I felt insane because it’s a bathtub who really cares, but also because of the way in which this person argued and made her case. In the end, I gave in and she would have gotten the room; luckily, the pandemic happened and I never had to go on this trip because the aftermath of our “friendship” came to a crashing halt after we entered into a business relationship.

This may seem like a silly and futile example, but I’m telling you because it is a prime example of the overwhelming control a narcissistic personality needs to have over every situation, even situations that don’t really matter in the long run; like a trip with some friends and a room with a bathtub. Any normal person would think, “Oh, it’s your wedding anniversary, of course, you can have the bathtub room,” or would compromise and at least say, “Well, maybe we can switch off, I get that room one night and you get it the next,” but not somebody who needs complete control and here’s why:

A narcissistic personality needs you to know that in every situation, they are on top, and if you are combative with them, or if you even try to stick up for yourself, they will come down on you like you can’t even imagine.

This was the first sign of many that I did not see, I just thought that she was a little demanding or in charge, and that was okay, but the events that came after were not what I expected.

#2: They blame or deflect onto others and never take responsibility for themselves or their own actions.

“Lack of responsibility is a glaring sign of a narcissist. Although narcissists want to be in control, they never want to be responsible for the results — unless, of course, everything goes exactly their way and their desired result occurs. When things don’t go according to their plan or they feel criticized or less than perfect, the narcissist places all the blame and responsibility on you. It has to be someone else’s fault,” — Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D., LMFT

I have been in two business relationships with narcissistic women, one in which I wrote an article about here. My first relationship with a narcissist was actually the reason why I recognized the signs in my most recent relationship, and why I had been able to end this relationship before it got out of control. However, as you can imagine, despite my being kind and catering to this person’s needs, it still got out of control; because a narcissist must blame you when things don’t go according to their plan.

It is so important to recognize that this is not your fault. A narcissistic personality cannot take responsibility for their actions unless they reach the absolute perfect result that they were looking for, so if things go wrong, they have to blame you because blaming themselves would mean that they weren’t perfect.

For example, in both of my business relationships, I went above and beyond what the average person would have done. However, when I saw the red flags and decided to step away I ended both relationships in extremely kind ways. Unsurprisingly, despite me being non-combative, things got ugly; I was made out to be the bad guy, and they were completely in the right. Luckily, other people saw red flags too and immediately came to my side.

That is the thing about narcissism: people begin to see it whether you want them to or not.

#3: They completely lack empathy.

One of the most tell-tale signs of a narcissistic personality is their complete lack of empathy. Narcissists are known to be selfish and self-involved, they are also unable to understand what other people are feeling. Thus, when confronted with your emotions, a narcissist may deflect or seem unfeeling, this is because they are. They have little ability to understand the emotions of other people.

Some narcissistic personalities may also not understand their own emotions, according to Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D., LMFT, “They don’t understand how their feelings occur. They think their feelings are caused by someone or something outside of themselves. They don’t realize that their feelings are caused by their own biochemistry, thoughts, and interpretations. In a nutshell, narcissists always think you cause their feelings — especially the negative ones. They conclude that because you didn’t follow their plan or because you made them feel vulnerable, you are to blame.”

This lack of empathy may have you feeling upset or like you are being undervalued or unheard, this is because making a connection with a narcissist is extremely difficult: they do not understand what you are feeling.

#4: You feel like you are always walking on eggshells.

At one point, in confronting my former “friend” and colleague, I had off hand mentioned that she used a lot of fonts in her ads. I did it in a funny, laughing manner, and the response was not what I expected: she got very upset, shut down, and “had to leave”. Moving forward if I would confront her or constructively criticize her, she would “feel too sensitive to talk about this”, turn off her phone, or simply deflect or blame issues on myself or other colleagues.

This kind of behavior made me unable to talk to her about necessary business issues for fear of backlash. The same thing happened with my former business partner, I began to feel like I was always walking on eggshells. A narcissistic personality needs you to always be on their side no matter what and if you are not on their side you are their enemy.

If you are feeling unheard, undervalued, or like you are getting serious backlash for small issues, this is a huge sign that you are being taken advantage of and that you are dealing with a narcissist. You have to remember that your feelings are valid, they are not to be hidden, if somebody cares about you or values you, they will listen to you with an open mind and an understanding ear.

#5: Emotional reasoning does not work.

You’ve probably made the mistake of trying to reason with a narcissist by explaining how you are feeling, and the painful impact that this person has had on you. However, as I mentioned above, you are met with resistance, backlash, and deflection. You think that if you explain your emotions, they will understand how much they have hurt you, but this thought process does not work with a narcissist, as they are unable to understand your feelings.

A narcissistic personality is only aware of his/her own feelings, and if they say they understand yours they are lying or attempting to gain control by seeming empathetic. Thus, when attempting to explain your emotional reaction to a narcissist, you will be met with anger or another unreasonable response.

You may also feel like you cannot talk about feelings or emotions with this person, which is a huge sign that they do not care about you. A narcissist only cares about themselves, which will make the fall out much worse when it inevitably happens.

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Understanding and coping with the aftermath.

The aftermath and subsequent trauma of dealing with a narcissist can leave you feeling hurt, angry, and exposed. Watching them continue to move on with their lives, watching people support them, and realizing that they continue to get away with their behavior is extremely difficult. One of the things I have consistently found more frustrating than anything is watching people support somebody who is emotionally abusive operating under the guise of being “woke”.

When your abuser continues to profit off of the work and efforts of other people, it can feel almost just as terrible as when the abuse was happening to you. One way to quell this feeling is to understand that this is not about you. Your abuser did not abuse you for any specific reason, they did it because they could, and they will probably continue to do the same thing to other people.

In the end, you can bet that people will begin to realize their behavior and advocate against how they are treating other people. The best thing that you can do is to rid your life of this person and start wading through your trauma, as time goes by you will begin to see and understand how truly miserable narcissistic personalities are, which is why they abuse others.

Though it may seem that they are living happy, fulfilling lives, you have been privy to who they really are, and by understanding their personalities and their abusive patterns you can begin to understand that those who abuse others are truly unhappy with themselves.

Moving on, being happy, and living your own life is the best revenge because giving your abuser any amount of time is frankly a waste.

Final thoughts:

Dealing with any kind of abuse and trauma will leave you overwhelmed and exhausted, and moving on is a very difficult task. Accepting that being abused has far more to do with your abuser than with you is one way to begin to repair. Narcissistic personalities are unable to feel “normal” human emotions, and thus emotionally reasoning with them is impossible. Instead, begin to emotionally reason with yourself to begin to patch up the holes that your abuser has caused.

I can only hope that writing about my own lived experiences and abuse helps you to rebuild and repair, but everybody’s experiences with abuse and trauma are different. Remember to look for the red flags, don’t ignore them and move past them, sit with them, and allow yourself to truly see who you are dealing with.

Narcissists love to prey on those who they deem vulnerable, it is not about you, it is only about their need for control. Don’t let them dim the light within you.