How to Dance Like Nobody’s Watching
By: Jennifer Thompson
Tags: Coming Of Age, Cancer, Death, Dance, Freedom

Watch a toddler move to the beat of the music and you’ll see a creature who knows how to dance simply for the love of movement that comes from deep inside without care of what it may look like from the outside. I’m not sure what age I was when I realized that dancing was for me. I just felt the beat inside and had to move. I never took a dance lesson. There was no money nor time for that I guess. But I had a love for it and some natural ability. We made up dances constantly. 6th grade was the height of that amateur choreographing phase. Dancing in Lisa’s driveway while her little 5-year-old sister watched, beaming with joy because I showed her plenty of attention and because we shared the same first name. When she danced with us, she was free from all the burdens that came from having a brain tumor and fighting cancer at time in her life that should have only included worries about figuring out which tiny outfit to squeeze onto her Barbie doll. Lisa had taken dance lessons from the time she was 4. In the Spring of that year, her mom drove us to dance team tryouts. We were going to be going to middle school that Fall. I had no clue what I was doing but I had a natural rhythm and ability to remember the moves. Later that afternoon, we went back to see if our tryout numbers were on the short list of dancers that made the team. My number was there. Hers wasn’t. I was truly shocked. She held back tears and tried to be happy for me. But I knew it wasn’t fair because she had trained so many years and it was her dream and I had just tried out on a whim because she wanted me to. Her little sister was there that day too. She was so happy for me. But my memories of that day aren’t happy because I was sad for my friend who didn’t make it and for the first time ever, I was embarrassed that my little first-name-twin ran up to me with her chemo bald head and others saw me with her. At her house it didn’t matter. I never thought twice about the fact that she was different. We were free. Nobody was watching. But here, at my new middle school, in front of all the pretty popular girls, I wasn’t able to be free. For the first time, I discovered what’s its like to not be able to dance like nobody’s watching. Fast forward to today. I’m 40. I have a 6th grader and a 5-year-old. I tried to learn the “Spongebob dance” today. Something has happened to my natural rhythm. It’s gone now. I’m so awkward. But I am free. Dancing and laughing, while we videoed ourselves…dancing for me, because of the rhythm inside of me, dancing for the love of movement, and it didn’t matter who was watching. Tonight I watched my 6th grade daughter teach my 5-year-old “the Macarena” dance and they were smiling and joyful as I videoed them, free from the uncertainty and worry that comes with middle school years. Years I don’t want to relive. Except for that one moment, I wish I could redo the moment when my little friend Jennifer ran up to me like nobody was watching. And I wouldn’t care who saw me give her a huge squeeze that made her ball cap fall off. Because I loved her. And I was yet still ignorant to the crushing pain and grief (and guilt) that comes when someone you love dies before their 6th birthday. I’ll bet she’s dancing in Heaven. And she forgives me because she knows that now I’ve finally learned to dance like nobody’s watching.