Dealing With It.
By: Jayce B
Tags: Relationships, Breakups, Heartbreak, Hurt, Love

“If you want to be strong, learn to enjoy being alone.”

“This Is A Good Sign, Having A Broken Heart. It Means We Have Tried For Something.”

First relationship breakups truly suck.

In this situation particularly, there’s no way of knowing how one truly feels in the aftermath of it all. I say this because I’m in a space of limbo knowing that I also wanted the relationship to end but having the choice of “when” taken away from me has put me through a spanner. He did it and that’s something I never expected.

Either way it was going to be hard. Two years of playful late nights, so many delicious food dates, spontaneous nature trips and just the loving banter. Losing that all was going to be difficult no matter the circumstances and I think that’s what stopped me from ending the relationship. I wasn’t ready for the loss.

I’m trying so hard not to but I regret that it wasn’t me who pulled the plug. If I really think about it, it shouldn’t have been me though. I’m going to write the story below now and just write how I feel. As much as I want to impress the people that miraculously stumble onto this, I’m doing this for myself and the future me who will come out of this okay.

The Times I Miss

Most people go through life expecting to find that special someone who will be perfect for them. Perfect is a strong word. Only a few people get so lucky and the rest of us find people who are almost perfect before working together to fill in the gaps. I thought that would be the case for us. He truly was someone I had been waiting for all my teen years. Handsome, Funny, Caring, Gentle, Loving. Not to mention he was darker skinned, strong and could swallow me up in the most affectionate bear hug. So yeah, personality and physically, he was so right.

At first it was awesome, as it is when you are just learning about each other and not having to deal with the third parties or the deeper struggles you both have.

We met at a time where life was picking up for me in particular. When we met, I had decided to spend my long holidays dedicated to a summer semester that would help with my credits heading into my final year of university. That was fine. We were so obsessed with each other that we were giving up sleep left and right to see each other as much as we could. It was the year following that would cause some cracks.

Falling Down

My final year of university was intense to say the very least. If you’ve ever studied or worked in the creative industries you may understand. Not to put down other degrees or industries but if you know, you know.

I’ve moaned and groaned about this part of my life so much that I won’t go into too much detail here. Basically we had two major final year projects and it broke me. God bless the poor souls who have to work with a team of unpaid students every year in order to graduate. Physically I gained 10kg in the span of 6 months and mentally I had fallen into a really bad burnout with some kind of depression linked to that. Oh and during the mid semester break, I had decided to go on a study tour trip to Europe which really sealed the deal on the possibility of me having any sort of break that year.

I’ll be frank, I’m pretty privileged. I’ve been able to get most things I want in life through my own hard work or the help of my hard working parents. Up until that point I had never really had much trouble with my mental health other than the generic problems with body image. Physically and mentally I was at peak when I met my boyfriend and he was number one witness to my downfall.

Of course he wouldn’t call it that but I certainly had a hard time calling it anything else. He. Was. Amazing. There I was, barely having the time to see him each week and when I wasn’t falling apart, I was falling asleep in his arms from exhaustion. He was patient and loving, even though we both knew the time and effort going into this new relationship was mostly one sided. I tried to break up with him towards the end of that year because the guilt became too much. I knew I wasn’t being a good girlfriend but didn’t have the time or energy to fix it. He wouldn’t let me though and because deep down I knew I didn’t want to either, we kept going.

I would often think to myself that it would soon all be okay. I’ll finish the damn films, graduate, finally have time to rest and spend time with boyfriend. Life never works out the way we plan.

Burnt OUT

I got an internship offer before the year ended at a studio, which required me to come in full time as soon as I could to take on a project. Burnt out me really wanted to say no and call it a day. But of course, everyone else saw this as an amazing opportunity (art degree? job straight out of university? she’d be crazy not to take it!). So I did and this led to me getting a full time position at a studio an hour and half away from my family home and where my boyfriend resided.

Now I know I was incredibly lucky and the job itself was good and challenging in a positive way. The studio was fun and the people were amazing to work and hang out with. However, I was very burnt out and if you’ve never been through that it might be tough to comprehend the mindset of it. Basically any passion I had for anything was sucked out of me. I was miserable with my physical changes and never felt energised. I felt like a zombie putting on her human suit and making it through each day.

Our relationship continued to be okay. We found time for each other on the weekends and were still addicted to being by each others sides. Of course he was still dealing with burnt out me and sometimes I wondered how he still loved me when I felt like I was far from the girl he had first met. It was a time where the obsession had somewhat settled and we were just enjoying the time spent with each other. Plain old simple love.

I then quit my job after a year because there was no point in continuing like a depressed zombie. I needed a break. I was ecstatic to spend more time with the boyfriend but in turn, it probably did more damage than good (in a good way) as it gave us time to reflect on the relationship and talk more about our bottled feelings.

Ticking Time Bombs

Now by this point you must think I’m just an awful girlfriend and there’s a clear reason this relationship came to an end but it wasn’t all daisies on his side either. While I was ambitious to further myself and my career, I quickly saw that my partner didn’t hold the same value. I don’t mind the thought of being the main breadwinner or anything like that, it was just that I was truly determined to move out of my hometown and flourish somewhere else. Could be another state, preferably another country.

When we first discussed our hopes and dreams at the beginning of our relationship, I had told him this and he had replied with “yes me too!” and I was ecstatic to know that there was an exciting future ahead of us. Time went on and as I threw myself into my education and career, my partner stayed stagnant. Yes he worked hard at his retail job but he claimed he wanted to do so many other things and have a real career yet never put in the hard hours for it. On days off he’d sleep in and then proceed to nap later for hours. I grew increasingly frustrated because I wanted to start making moves together but saw little possibility of it happening with his minimal efforts for his own life. It became a constant topic whenever we argued and ultimately a big player in our breakup.

A little background on him. He lives with his mother and brother. The three of them are very tight knit and rightfully so as they’ve been through hell and back together. A couple years ago, their dad passed away and despite the trauma they went through with him, it affected all of them heavily. So you can imagine the bond he has with his family and how much love there is. He had to be the man of the family and I often witnessed moments where he struggled to deal with his youth while also having to be a father figure to his younger brother and how his mother depended on him like a husband (in the most non weird way whatsoever).

On the other hand, I’m quite independent and while close with my family, we each mind our own business and my parents are waiting for me to officially flee the nest. It was two very different dynamics and yes, while his own lack of ambition scared me, him not being able to leave his family terrified me more. How could he? He would constantly tell me not to worry and that he could do it, he just needed to sort out a few things. Every time I thought about it I would get more and more anxious, believing that it wasn’t possible. At least not in the near future.

Those were the two main sticklers in our relationship that ultimately led to it’s demise. To me at least, they’re valid reasons. We’re both young and in our 20s. A time of exploration and self discovery, something that I was ready for but my ex not so much. Perhaps he doesn’t need it, while he wants more in life, I’ve come to know that he’s ultimately the most comfortable when he’s closest to his family and realising that is helping me through the sadness.

The Real Reason

The problems explained above were constant but manageable. No matter how intense the conversations got, I’d simultaneously feel a breakup pending while also feeling like we’d be able to work it out. A sure thing I felt at least was that I’d be the one to call it when the time comes.

Then it happened.

About two weeks after one of our biggest discussions about our future that left both of us feeling a bit off, a close family friend of his passed away. I’m uncomfortable even typing about it as it was still pretty recent but it broke him. He’s already been through big losses previously so going through it again had it’s damage. I felt it was right to give him space, letting him know I was ready whenever he needed me. Rightfully so, his family was his support system and I couldn’t help but feel like I was put on the side line while he dealt with it.

It doesn’t help that the last interaction we had before the break up was him asking me to drive him and his friend to go clubbing until the daylight. This was two days after the news hit and I guess he wasn’t in a right frame of mind.

All in all, he’s always been caring and giving but I think this big event caused enough shock for him to realise he had to deal with certain things within himself and that our relationship problems were miniscule compared to those. I hold a small resentment that he couldn’t lean on me in his times of need as I had throughout our relationship but oh well, no use in dwelling.

Whatever The Terms Are, I’m Coming To Them

Ah this sucks. The feelings of the breakup hits me every now and then. I was completely fine yesterday when it all happened with maybe one tear down my face. Then this morning I woke up sobbing, wishing I could just sleep so my brain would stop thinking about it. Then I got up, washed my face, sat down and just started typing. A lump forms in my throat every now and then but I am confident that this will all pass, it’s just going to be a tedious process.

When he drove to my house and did it, I was understanding but slightly shocked. I had been thinking about it all week as well but couldn’t bring myself to do anything especially in his time of grief. So I had instead decided to be a good girlfriend and support him, ready to buy him all the delicious food he loves when he was ready. That’s what I wanted and when you backhand a girl who is used to getting what she wants her whole life, she won’t know how to react.

I didn’t want this relationship to end when or how it did but we knew the end was near so there’s no reason to try and salvage anything. It was meant to come to a close and I know I’ll be thankful it did.

First breakups are the hardest because it’s the first time you have to say goodbye after you’ve given yourself to someone. In the relationship, you break the cycle of relying on only yourself and learn to have a companion who loves you just the same as you love them.

I’ve read all the articles and nodded profusely. I’ve checked my phone a million times in hopes to see the message that will bring us back. I’ve contemplated asking for the sock that I left at his house. I’ve accepted that’s all normal and most importantly, it has literally not even been 24 hrs. Writing all this has made me realise that it truly was supposed to come to a close and it’s what I have also wanted for a while now. Even if I had done it or if it had happened later, it wouldn’t hurt any less.

I’m so thankful to him and our journey. It was so awesome and I couldn’t have wished for a better person to have in those times. I hope we learned a lot from this relationship and that the future is bright for the both of us.

I’ll check back in sometime. Maybe a day or a week, however long I’m sure I’ll be better than I am now. I really don’t want to go back to reality but facing time will help it pass.