This Is What It’s Like To Wake Up To A Beating
By: Toni Tails
Tags: Life Lessons, Mental Health, Family, Life, Parenting

A Harsh Awakening

I was in a comfortable twilight between sleep and wakefulness — imagining playing with my friends in Kindergarten — when a searing sting on my thighs woke me.

I screamed and opened my eyes to see the giant silhouette of my 6’2 300 lb daddy framed in the open bedroom door. He held a belt above his head and cracked it like a whip against my body — again and again.

image by Ulkar — purchased by the author

I don’t know how many times he hit me, but he stopped long after I was too tired to cry out loud. In the end, his lashes slowed, and the only sounds were the slap of leather against my skin and Daddy’s heavy breathing.

“Stop!”

Mommy grabbed Daddy’s wrist.

“She’s not the one who did it.”

Aftermath

I whimpered — legs and thighs on fire, and my chest sore from crying. My stomach churned with nausea, and I bit my fist to try to hold back vomit and my cries.

Daddy touched me softly and startled me. I didn’t dare move as he kissed the back of my head. Daddy’s footsteps retreated, and my bedroom darkened as he shut the door.

I still don’t know why he beat me that night.

image by Ulkar — purchased by the author

Still Can’t Sleep

It’s been 35 years since that night. I was beaten many times after that, but none were as traumatizing as the first.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with C-PTSD. I experience flashbacks of abuse when I’m awake and in my dreams. Because of this, I have a hard time falling asleep² and never feel completely safe. I wake up throughout the night, sure that someone is standing over me.

Healing

Writing helps me work through some of my issues. I feel seen and heard because I can tell my story. I go to therapy and take antidepressants.

I try to focus on the good things in life, but that’s not always possible. Mental illness holds me in a steely grip that won’t let go.

According to a Child Maltreatment report from the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services, in 2018, there were an estimated 678,000 victims of child abuse and neglect across the country. ¹ Each of those numbers represents a child whose story you’ve never heard.

I was one of those children, and you’ve heard my story. Thank you for listening.

image by Ulkar — purchased by the author

Child Abuse Facts

Below are 11 facts about child abuse by dosomething.org

Approximately five children die every day because of child abuse.[1]

because of child abuse.[1] 1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 5 boys will be sexually abused before they reach age 18.[2]

will be sexually abused before they reach age 18.[2] 90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way. 68% are abused by a family member.[3]

know the perpetrator in some way. 68% are abused by a family member.[3] In 2012, 82.2% of child abuse perpetrators were found to be between the ages of 18–44, of which 39.6% were recorded to be between the ages of 25–34.[4]

were found to be between the ages of 18–44, of which 39.6% were recorded to be between the ages of 25–34.[4] In the United States, more than four children die from child abuse and neglect daily. Over 70% of these children are below the age of 3.[5]

from child abuse and neglect daily. Over 70% of these children are below the age of 3.[5] Boys (48.5%) and girls (51.2%) become victims at nearly the same rate.[6]

become victims at nearly the same rate.[6] 2.9 million cases of child abuse are reported every year in the United States.[7]

are reported every year in the United States.[7] Children who experience child abuse and neglect are 59% more likely to be arrested as a juvenile, 28% more likely to be arrested as an adult, and 30% more likely to commit violent crime.[8]

are 59% more likely to be arrested as a juvenile, 28% more likely to be arrested as an adult, and 30% more likely to commit violent crime.[8] About 80% of 21-year-olds who were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder.[9]

who were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder.[9] 14% of all men and 36% of all women in prison were abused as children.[10]

were abused as children.[10] Abused children are less likely to practice safe sex, putting them at higher risk for STDs. They’re also 25% more likely to experience teen pregnancy.[11]