Top Travel Tips for The Asian Tourist
By: Robert Turner
Tags: Travel, Travel Tips, Asian Culture, Lighterside, Backpacking

Top Travel Tips for The Asian Tourist

A LighterSide guide to safely negotiating Asian culture

Image courtesy of Unsplash

If you’re new to traveling in Asia and want to avoid embarrassment, jail time and possible disembowelment, please refer to this useful guide on six cultural pitfalls.

1. Pet Lovers

Never approach any animals. especially dogs and cats, with the intention of petting. If you absolutely must try and pet the cute puppy on the side of the road, ensure you don’t have a fork or spoon in your hands.

Eating utensils evoke absolute terror in Asian animals and they will either bite you or run off howling wildly, leaving you to deal with all the locals who will be staring in confusion and shaking their heads.

Animals are either for dinner or for working. No exceptions, no petting. The animals understand this and so do the locals, don’t confuse either.

2. Feet, or more accurately, soles

In a lot of Asian countries feet are considered taboo. Feel free to walk around naked (not really advisable considering the insect population), but make sure your feet are covered.

Unless of course you are entering a home or temple, in which case remove your shoes and put your clothes back on. The sole of the foot is considered very offensive, particularly in Thailand.

Don’t kick your shoes off and start massaging your tired aching feet everytime you stop for a beer or food. You will politely be asked to leave or simply thrown into jail with other barefooted foreigners.

Also avoid rubbing the puppy with your foot. Someone has to eat that so show a little respect.

3. Toilets.

Don’t expect to find pristine porcelain urinals and actual seats to comfortably collapse on. There is also no toilet paper, a custom I now thoroughly endorse. Who’d seriously want to smear when you can wash? Dirty foreigner!

Asian’s have the strongest thigh muscles of all cultures. Squat over a very suspicious looking hole in the floor for long enough and you’ll understand why. Sitting is for lazy foreigners.

Of course, it is also impossible to massage the bottom of your feet whilst in this position. Go ahead and try, I dare you.

What’s more interesting is seeing the foreigner return to his table after the bathroom break and pause before he resumes eating. You know what he’s thinking don’t you?. Which hand did I use?

4. Sex

Let’s just get this out the way now. Asian’s do not have hangups about sex. It’s as common place as eating and is considered a natural act that no one gets particularly excited about. Despite this Asian’s are generally shy, so don’t give offence.

The only advice I have here is aimed at a very specific group of male tourists. When inebriated do try and avoid the really pretty, busty girls with the large adams apples. Chances are, they’re better hung than you.

If you don’t mind that sort of thing, welcome to Asia.

Do avoid taking six girls back to your hotel room in a drunken stupor. Come on, let’s get real here. The little blue tablets just aren’t that strong and whilst you are trying your utmost to deal with just one of the girls, the others will be making off with your entire wardrobe.

5. Eating

If you don’t enjoy having your meal stare back at you, you should probably have booked the Orlando package. Asians eat anything that moves and in some areas, that may even include you.

Nothing is wasted, so expect to find heads, feet, eyeballs and all the other bits floating about somewhere in your soup or stew. If you bite into something crunchy, it’s best just not to look. Simply grin and swallow. Ignorance is bliss.

If the area you’re visiting is remote, devoid of any animals or “pets” and the locals seem overly friendly, avoid accepting any opened drinks and keep your door locked at night.

Vegans will find they are more than adequately provided for in Asia. Anything green, plants, trees and even flowers finds its way onto the table in a clear effort to contribute to global warming.

6. Travelling

It’s not so much about the modes of transport in Asia, it’s more about the personal space issue. There isn’t any. Anywhere. Especially on public transportation.

The sign on the bus that says 6O passengers is really only a conservative estimate for the front third of the bus, the other 120 passengers fit very comfortably into the remaining sections, which can include the roof and your lap.

There’s no need to pack food as the buses will stop sporadically at roadside cafes. Those brave enough to attempt escaping the sardine tin, will return to find their seat taken.

Again, don’t try and pet the rooster sitting beside you. It’s resting for is next cock fight and needs it’s sleep. Oh, and the hole in the floor at the back of the bus. It’s just a hole. No squatting.

Congratulations, you’re now culturally prepared for your Asian holiday. You’re going to have a wonderful time and return home rested, broke and sporting thighs that will be the envy of all your friends.