“I Don’t Like Sand”
By: Joel Eisenberg
Tags: Books, Entertainment, Science Fiction, Star Wars, Movies

“Episode One: The Phantom Menace”

About 72 hours ago at the time of this writing, I posted the following:

Indeed, my defense of “The Last Jedi,” a film I absolutely adore and consider the best in the series since “The Empire Strikes Back,” became by far my most popular post in weeks, debated endlessly on social media and increasing its views day-to-day.

I’ve written numerous articles on “Star Wars” for this platform, and it appears as though there is certainly an audience for more.

So let’s flash back, in earnest, to 1998.

The first “Star Wars” trailer in 15 years (since “Return of the Jedi”) was attached to prints of the Anthony Hopkins and Brad Pitt starrer, “Meet Joe Black.” The film was playing 30 minutes from my apartment at the time, but damn right I purchased my tickets. After all, it was far too long since filmed “Star Wars” was in our lives.

Like most, I only went to the theater for “Meet Joe Black” to catch the new “Star Wars” footage.

I’d leave following.

I entered the theater, and saw this poster in the lobby:

I very nearly began to lose control of my faculties. That poster kicked all sorts of ass.

I was primed, and I was ready. We all were.

For an account of what some of us experienced during that special day, see here:

Or, look here for a better view of that first trailer that got us all crazy excited, inclusive of a new (and fairly strange-loooking) puppet Yoda (before Lucas replaced it with a CGI version later) …

My appetite whetted, I anxiously awaited May 12, 1999, the date tickets would finally go on sale. Along with many hundreds of other fellow fans, I waited on line at the then-Grauman’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood for 25-and-a-half hours before purchasing my prized ducats:

I scored the midnight show on opening night, May 19.

YES!!

So May 19 happens, my friends and I get to the theater, we’re all in partying mode … the familiar 20th Century Fox fanfare blares, followed by Lucasfilm Ltd.’s logo and “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away …”

“Star Wars!”

Audience members wave their lightsabers like a collective orgasm. I legit had tears in my eyes. Anyone who knows me knows I am an unabashed “Star Wars” addict.

This was too much.

“Episode One: The Phantom Menace” begins its crawl and the audience screams. Some words about trade disputes (?) prove this is certainly a new soup, and within the first 45 minutes of feverish anticipation … the crowd largely silences and I fall asleep.

What I caught as I struggled to stay awake I didn’t mind … but my “Star Wars” this wasn’t. Sure there was a Skywalker, and Anakin was to become Darth Vader, but this thing was plodding. Though he has had a hard time of it later in life, and I’m not keen on being insensitive, I honestly did not care for Jake Lloyd’s performance. Now, I had previously watched documentary footage of outtakes featuring Jake from TPM, and I found him to be charming and a bit edgy. I could totally see him pulling off this performance but, and I place the blame squarely on director Lucas here, he was stilted in my view. His dialog didn’t help, with the repeated “Yipee!” exclamations and other nonsense.

But hey, George Lucas was the creator. Surely he knew what he was going for. Who was I to argue? Two other “Star Wars” films were to follow!

Regardless, I woke up during the pod race, which I found over the top. As for Jar Jar Binks, speaking of actors who played hated characters, Ahmed Best has since told interviewers he contemplated suicide over the response to his role. I was one of the few who didn’t mind the character. I didn’t quite like him, but I didn’t loathe him as did others.

However, I did (and still do) find the character to be racially inspired, as I had the Jewish Watto and the Asian viceroys of the Trade Federation.

I initially thought perhaps Lucas was trying to make the new beings relatable somehow. Still, I didn’t hate any of them. Nor did I hate the film when I saw it a second time and nor did I believe George Lucas “raped my childhood” which was fast becoming a popular refrain.

No. I was grateful for a new series of “Star Wars” films, even as I tried to ignore Lucas in interviews stressing that the old fans grew up and these new films — like the older ones — were for children.

I didn’t buy it then and I don’t now, but damn if that Darth Maul lightsaber duel didn’t boot my backside three days from Sunday. For that brief shining moment at the midnight show, I was as awake and wide-eyed as ever.

And that’s where Lucas was wrong. The original trilogy appealed to the child in all of us … whereas he stated at the time, following the horrific word of mouth for TPM, the new trilogy was for children.

Trade disputes? For kids? And boardrooms? And … boardrooms again?

Onward.