Momma, Daddy, Baba? … A Search for the Perfect Name
By: Chris Turner
Tags: Newborn, LGBTQ, Genderqueer, Nonbinary, Parenting

Many of the words queer couples are using are combinations of Mom and Dad or Mother and Father or Mommy and Daddy, such as Mather or Maddie. I’ve seen lesbian couples have the birth partner referred as Mom or Mommy and the non-birth partner a variation including their name, such as Mama Chris. None of those appealed to me, as I don’t identify closely with being a mother.

A couple of weeks ago, I ran across this article from the New York Times from 2018. Had I seen it months ago, it would have saved me some time and energy. It featured the name my wife and I finally settled on: Abba, which is Hebrew for father.

I love this name as it is different, easy to say, and — on the surface — doesn’t appear to be so strictly binary sounding. In selecting this name, I also reached out to several of my friends of the Jewish faith, as I’m sensitive to cultural appropriation. I’m sure there might be some in the Jewish community who think I’m appropriating, but my friends declared I wasn’t, so I’m going with that.

Cultural appropriation happens way too often, and I didn’t want to fall into that. There are many words in Native American cultures I can relate to, however it doesn’t feel right to use them. I’ve always liked “two-spirit” in describing someone who is gay, queer, lesbian, etc. A word I found in my searches was a Dakota word, Ata, which I liked. But again, my tiny sliver of Native American heritage doesn’t entitle me to use the language.

Once we settled on Abba, my wife and I started using it when we talk to our baby girl. It’s starting to feel natural to self-identify with it as I read to her every night and also when my wife calls me Abba. We also use it in reference to me when we’re talking to our fur babies.

My hope is this: As more queer couples, particularly those featuring someone identifying as non-binary, begin to have children, the language will change. Right now, people struggle to even use the word “they” as gender neutral, while many new words have not lasted or caught on widely.

Photo from SeattleGayScene.com

The Grammar Police wail about how it doesn’t sound right to use they or how you can’t use a plural word in the singular. Truth is — they has been used in the singular dating back to the 14th century. The Oxford English Dictionary traces it back to 1375 and William and the Werewolf, according to Dennis Baron in What’s Your Pronoun.

While the use of “they” as a gender neutral/non-binary offering is becoming more widespread, I’d like to see new words emerge and evolve that are more inclusive and not necessarily based on the binary.

This isn’t as easy as it sounds. Many words have been tried and fallen by the wayside or have been belittled in the mainstream. Words like ze, zir, xe are still in use but have struggled to find real acceptance.

But there is definitely hope. In Sweden, a new non-gendered pronoun was introduced in 2012: hen. This was to go along with hon (she) and han (he). There was controversy early on, of course, but the word has become a part of Swedish society now. And according to a study of use of the word, it has changed perceptions. People seemed less likely to defer to men, and their view of women, LGBTQ and non-binary people was enhanced.

Language matters! Continuing to use binary language just reinforces the binary. However, using non-gendered pronouns can help reduce gender stereotyping.

What we need is to follow the initiative started by the Swedish and introduce a new word that resonates. It worked for grandparents, so why can’t we non-binary folks blaze a path and come up with something special?

Who’s up for this challenge?