The Enormous Value of Vulnerability
By: Elaine Dolan
Tags: Self Acceptance, Vulnerability, Existentialism, Self Love

We didn’t ask to be born. No one was consulted before being brought into existence. Let that thought sit with you for a second. One day, forces beyond ourselves decided that we would exist; we had no say in the matter.

Yet, here we are, still trying to make the best of it. Since day one, we’ve stumbled like big toddlers through unbelievable situations that have ultimately shaped who we are today — some truly enlivening, others terrifying. And many just, well, confusing. There was never a handbook any of us could follow that provided the answers we needed; we learned along the way, as everyone does.

But while we had no handbook, we did have some guide.

Social pressures are our reference guide, not our rulebook

We learned how to stumble through life “the right way” through social pressures that tell us to be practical with our finances, and ultimately to dream of buying a large, expensive house for our family.

And those that pressure women of all ages, sizes, and ethnicities to lose weight, almost as a default expectation.

And especially those we learned from our own family, like not to talk with food in your mouth, not to run around the house and “act crazy,” or not to discuss politics and finances in polite company.

Naturally, some of these pressures have positive effects, like teaching young children manners and the value of respect towards others. Others, of course, lead to unhealthy comparisons we make between ourselves and an idealized, often unrealistic way of life.

These social pressures are typically what keep our vulnerable selves out of public view, and ultimately, safe from its critique.

We’re all in this together

When you begin to realize that each of us experiences these social pressures in generally the same way, they start to lose their power over you.

I think of this as each of us walking around with an invisible little sweat bead along our foreheads, thinking, “Am I doing this right?” to everything we do, and “I hope they don’t discover the truth.”

But what is the truth?

It’s that you, like me, and everyone around us, have no idea what you’re really “supposed” to be doing.

You just don’t. You might know what numbers your boss needs from you today, or what to cook for dinner this weekend, but do you know if you’re in the right career? The right partnership? The right religion? Are you even performing or practicing these things correctly? Are you satisfied with your life’s relationships? What makes something “right” or “wrong,” anyway?

Everyone’s just wingin’ life day by day. And you know what?

That’s just fine. It really is.

But so many of these social pressures encourage us not to let anyone think that. They convince us that we need to put on a strong front, and appear somehow immune to the natural daily stressors of life. To be a leader at work must mean to have all the answers for your employees when of course, you won’t. To be a good parent means magically knowing how to treat every situation with your child with the perfect response it requires.

But… what?! What wild expectations! Are you seeing this?

That’s not how life works! We’ll never have all of the answers, or the knowledge of how to handle every situation perfectly. Every action we take is guided only by our best judgment, and at the end of it all, we’re just people. Our best judgment may be good, but it’s certainly not perfect.

Vulnerability

Every one of us makes choices, big or small, that we ultimately regret. That’s just inevitable.

Being vulnerable is recognizing this truth and accepting this flawed, very real part of ourselves. It’s letting not only ourselves but others, at times, see that we’re uncertain in life much of the time. Ultimately, vulnerability is about approaching that fact with kindness.

But a lifetime of socialization in a society of near-constant criticism makes this challenging for many of us. During the course of your life, your inner child has undoubtedly been embarrassed, ridiculed and even shunned by others countless times. What else could it have done but conform?