Dear Mars, Please Don’t Kill Me
By: Hm Grove
Tags: Space, Articles, Mars, Writing, Science Fiction

Artist: Alberto Vangelista

My Personal Input and Thoughts on Occupying Mars

Written by H.M Grove

The day is coming up! Our sights are locked on that beautiful orange ball in the sky. Within the next decade, human feet will touch soft Martian soil. Mars is heavily romanticized by pop culture and film, but what can we truly expect on that barren, rocky world? Luckily, we have our little rovers sending us photos and data, and those photos reveal an absolutely stunning world.

The hype is monumental, and the majority of people are going apeshit over Mars. I’ve been in coffee shops and restaurants where I have overheard people talk about what they will do when they visit mars in the coming years. It is at those moments I stop what I’m doing, and just ogle at the thought. Holy shit, we really live in the future!

We live in a reality where it is normal to plan a trip to Mars. As the vivid red planet may look sexy online, she will be far different when you meet her. Today, I will be going over some points, and giving my input on occupying Mars. Have fun reading this, and don’t get mad at me when I punch your fantasy in the balls.

Okay, it’s Another Planet

You need to understand very clearly… Mars is another damn planet! It will be nothing like our comfortable home. If your bones aren’t already fucked up by the lack of gravity throughout the 7-month trip, they sure will be once you touch down on the surface. The gravity on mars is softer than earth, which sounds fun. It would be fun, but your body is going to be whacked out from the very long, gravity free spaceship ride.

Not only that, but the weather isn’t too fun, also. Mars is very cold, and I mean very cold. Yeah sure, your space suit will probably have a heater, but that won’t stop your ass cheeks from freezing together. That’s only if you get a chance to go outside. Most of your time will be spent in your sanctuary, where you will lose your mind from boredom. Mars is very far away too, so you can’t really call your friends.

You can send emails, or maybe even texts, but those messages will take between 5 and 20 minutes to send, given the time of year. It is vital to understand that Mars is another planet very far away from our beautiful home. You can’t walk to the store to get food when you’re hungry, if you fall and hit your head, there’s no hospital, and if there’s an emergency at home, you can’t just hop on your rocket and come back home whenever you want. If you go to Mars, you need to be dedicated and prepared to lose your mind a little bit. Our astronauts are trained for this… Will you be?

Oh God! Not the Dust!

Mars is very dusty. Yeah, we deal with dust on earth all the time. That’s what a broom or a vacuum is for, duh! That may be so, but earth dust is nothing compared to the horrid, awful, demonic dust on Mars. Martian dust is so small, and so fine, that you cannot just sweep it out. It will cling on everything, and won’t go away. The dust is static, too.

Static dust gets off on clinging to things like a small dog humping your leg. Let’s say you’re bored and want to go out of a walk on the sand. Sweet, you put on your suit, strap on your boots, and embark on your little journey. Okay, you’re bored now, because there’s nothing to do in this God-awful place. You walk back to your little pod, and take off your suit. Ah, your suit is covered in dust and it’s not coming off.

Because of this, the dust will wedge its way into every small crease on that suit, ultimately deeming it impossible for your suit to seal and pressurize. Great! Now you can’t go outside because the dust fell in love with your suit. Well, you can just hang out in your pod for a while. Guess what? The dust took notes from your crazy ex and follows you everywhere you go. Now you’re breathing it in, because it just loves the feeling of your lungs.

You’re now breathing in micro-metals and poisonous elements that will rip your lungs up like Freddy Krueger on ecstasy. The friendly neighborhood dust won’t just ruin your life, but the life of all of your electronics, solar panels, vehicles, and anything else that is slightly convenient to your existence. So when you take your vacation to mars, don’t forget to say hi to the residential dust, because it sure is excited to meet you.

Meet Mars’s Friend with Benefits; Radiation

Mars likes to have a little fun, too. Luckily, mars made a friend awhile back, say 4 billion years ago. Mars made this friend when it broke up with its long time partner, magnetic field. This was a rough breakup for the pretty planet, so when radiation came by, looking fine as a mf, Mars had to hit that. Now everyday, Mars gets fucked by radiation day and night. It’s sort of a toxic relationship, but Mars is damaged goods, so you can’t blame it.

Well, that’s bad news for you, because radiation doesn’t like sharing. The second you touch that sweet Martian soil, radiation will blast you up the ass. Don’t worry, you won’t miss out on the fun, because radiation will fuck you too. Every second you spend on the surface, you might as well be spending in a microwave. After a couple of months, you will feel like absolute garbage. That’s because you’ve been fucked by radiation without any protection.

Uh-oh, you’re pregnant, and it’s radiation’s child, cancer. Well, bad news for you, you’re 219 million miles away from the nearest hospital and you’re ride home isn’t coming for another 9 months. Radiation doesn’t like Mars talking to anyone else. So if your planning on taking a trip to Mars, save your money and stick your head in your dirty microwave you haven’t cleaned in months.

Wait, I Think I See Something in the Distance; it’s Hope.

If you’ve made it this far, you’re probably feeling a little down. Your hopes and dreams of visiting another world have been crushed by science and reality. Well, that may be true, but there’s hope. Traveling to Mars isn’t easy. It’s one thing to go to the moon, but Mars is very far, and complicated. There are ways of making it work, though.

Remember our friends, dust and radiation? Well, there is a place on Mars they hate. It’s called caves and caverns. Satellite images have shown us that Mars is filled with an array of caves. This is good, because radiation won’t bother us there! Settling in a cave is our best shot at exploring mars. Caves are more promising because our friend water might be lurking in those dark holes. I mean, that’s the reason why we’re going there, right?

There is already evidence of water previously existing on that barren red planet. Everyone knows that life is in love with water, so maybe, just maybe, we’ll find something down there. If we plan this out, and play our cards right, we may just answer some questions regarding our cosmic existence. Men and women will die on that world, no doubt. Like really, don’t bullshit yourself.

There will be some brutal sacrifices made on that awful world, but those men and women will die in the name of unity and science. Keep your eyes to the stars, keep your dream factory in production, ponder and hope that the cosmos will be kind to you.

You never know what’s waiting for us out there. May God have mercy on the brave explorers trekking the unknown abyss that is space. You never know, one of those brave explorers could be reading this article right now and not even know it. Stay beautiful, humans.