Being Queer At The Family Gathering
By: Rhian Beam
Tags: Holidays, Family, LGBTQ, Equality, Thanksgiving

Being Queer At The Family Gathering

Loud and proud but not ‘too’ loud and proud?

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

When we think of American Thanksgiving, we think of coming together with family, delicious food, maybe the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade or even Football.

Oh yeah, and tons of family infighting.

It’s a stereotypical trope but true for many. As the difference between grandpa’s time versus the present-day widens, the more we disagree. But what does that mean for queer people when they go home for the holidays?

How we understand gender and sexuality is constantly expanding, as it should as we figure out what makes us all tick and how we are most comfortable taking up space. Unfortunately, many family members still don’t understand. As a queer person, I find it exhausting at a family gathering to keep up with family members and where they all stand on our human rights.

Talk about exhausting! Think about having to teach everyone, for example, what “Asexual” or “Nonbinary” means when the easiest way for them to learn is doing a simple google search themselves. Since we are one the letters in LGBTQ that must mean we are an encyclopedia of all of the letters and what they mean to each person, right?

No, we aren’t. There are so many experiences represented in the other letters that we don’t resonate with, nor do we have an idea what those experiences are like. We can’t possibly explain their experiences accurately. Don’t even get me started on the current political situation; how the current presidential administration is stripping away LGBTQ people’s rights, basically throwing us to the dogs and not caring if we even die from the consequences of their policies.

Does Grandpa think this is a good policy? Should you just stand by while he berates your human rights? Well, that depends.

Most would say no, frick Grandpa. He deserves to know how much he is hurting you and maybe other closeted members of the family. However, if your family is abusive or tends to ‘gang up’ on you, maybe you will think twice about speaking up. Maybe you will keep it civil and then you don’t have to talk to grandpa again until next Thanksgiving. Or just not go at all, next time.

As they say, it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks. If grandpa only has less than a 50% chance of believing your life experiences and changing his mind then maybe it isn’t worth it. Let him keep his bigoted opinion and the world will go on. And just because grandpa is older, doesn’t mean his opinions are law.

Another way to go is just not giving a flip. No matter what your family thinks of you, they can still love you even if they don’t agree with who you are. As an adult, you aren’t around them as much anymore. They don’t know you now like they did when you were a kid and to be honest, they don’t have to.

Unless they take an expressed interest in learning who you are now then you don’t have any explaining to do. You can stuff your face with turkey, tofurky, or whatever makes you happy with a helping of gravy and stuff your mouth full of food. It might just save your sanity.

I think a big misconception about the LGBTQ community is that we’re all activists. That’s just not true. Yes, solidarity is what we aim for in the LGBTQ community, but that’s it. Yes, our human rights are constantly under attack but it isn’t all on one person’s shoulders to bear that weight and fix it. Others are willing to fight and society will fix it in due time.

Family gatherings can feel dismissive for queer folks, especially if family members refuse to use correct pronouns or even meet your girlfriend/boyfriend/theyfriend.

My advice would be to remember that whether it’s a chosen family, parts of your original family, or friends, there are always people out there who see you. They see your gender or lack thereof, that you’re gay, queer, lesbian, asexual, and they love you for the beautiful soul that you are. If others can’t see that, it’s their loss.