Alone for Christmas? Or Just Alone, Anyway?
By: Tessa Schlesinger
Tags: Life, Holidays, Loneliness, Christmas, Psychology

Alone for Christmas? Or Just Alone, Anyway?

Being alone for the holidays has less to do with the holidays, and more to do with being alone. I learned to deal with being alone a long time ago. Here’s how. Tessa Schlesinger Dec 24, 2020·8 min read

Alone of the holidays can be depressing. Pixabay Couleur

Being alone on holidays when everyone else seems to be with close friends and families puts an emphasis on our being alone. It seems to us to mean that we are not loved, that we have no worth, that others are having fun, and we are are out in the cold — very much left to put up with life’s struggles without help.

Probably, for the first time in modern history, many more of us will be home alone this year, and those of us who are lucky enough to live in countries where we can gather in limited numbers will not have quite the same experience as we have had in previous years. There is also the danger that one of us is infected, and though we will not think of that in the few hours that we spend together, it may have deadly consequences in the weeks and months ahead.

The Significance of the Day

Whether it’s Christmas, New Year, Thanksgiving, or some other holiday, all these times have one thing in common. They are times of celebration with those who are close to us. We drink and eat and, maybe, even dance. We talk and laugh and feel a great deal of sentimentality, and all of that signifies to us the bonds that tie us together, and that, in turn, gives meaning to our lives.

Those of us who are alone miss out on all of that, and it is the thought of not being part of the whole that can make us slip into misery and depression. It is not the holiday itself.

2021 may well be as difficult as 2020, but I wish courage and perseverance for you. I know you have those qualities. Pixabay. Nick Gesell.

Dealing with the Day

I have Aspergers (high functioning autism) plus an auditory processing disorder. In addition to this, for two thirds of my life, I faced chronic abuse, and the outcome has been that I have spent most of my life alone. I cannot recall a Christmas, New Year, or any holiday spent with anyone. The exception is for the first 18 years of my life when I was with my family. That said, I don’t have any memory of them because they were not particularly celebrated by my family. I’m now 69. That’s a lot of time to spend a lot of celebratory holidays on your own.

So I developed ways of being on my own that made those days special instead of hell.

Good Deeds

It’s amazing how good we can feel when we give to strangers. I have learned to spend the few days before Christmas (or any other celebratory holiday) being extra kind and generous to strangers in the street. I might give ten bucks to a homeless man or offer to run an errand for someone else. I make a point of doing two good things a day for the three of four days before Christmas (or other holiday). I don’t tell anyone. I hug it to myself — feeling such a deep joy that I was able to make someone else happy. I know it works.

Of course, now we have the web, and there is no reason why we can’t spend twenty minutes or an hour looking for some good deed we can do on the web. And the good thing is, we can now do this on Christmas day! I know that there are begging sites where one can contribute to others. And there’s kickstarter, of course. You can also sign petitions, fulfil someone’s wishlist on Amazon, or even go out for coffee (if there’s a coffee place open) and buy someone else a coffee — pay it forward.

Somehow, giving to strangers in the days running up to that lonely holiday gives one such a good feeling that it seems to negate any feeling of emptiness on the day itself.

Preparation for the Day

It’s how to spend the time without remembering that everybody else out there is having a good time that makes the day so stark. In order to prevent that, we need to do a little planning on how to fill the time so that we don’t have time to think unhappy thoughts.

The web is such an amazing tool, so we can use Twitter or Facebook or any other social networking sites to ask beforehand who will be alone, and then set up a time to group-talk. Whatsapp, Messenger, Zoom, Google Hangouts, and others also all provide the ability to connect with others. You’ll be amazed just how many people spend time alone on celebratory holidays. If you set up a time to chat for an hour, you’ll be amazed how much better you feel when you wake up on Christmas (or New Year) morning. It’s best to have about ten people and to plan to chat together for an hour. You might even send out invites for the event. While it’s fine to set up the chat a week before, it’s probably better to do it the day before. Also, try to set up two chats — one for the morning and one for the afternoon.

Another great thing to do on a ‘home alone’ holiday is to go where you haven’t gone before. Do something new. You can purchase a ‘paint-by-numbers’ drawing to do on Christmas day or buy a jigsaw puzzle if the last time you did one was childhood. The stores are full of activity-gifts, so buy one for yourself.

Of course, most people are going to be watching movies or binging on a particular series. The thing to do is not to scroll through what’s available on the actual day. Rather pre-plan what’s available, and if necessary purchase a video. Mostly, though, you can just see what’s showing on the various streaming channels and plan what you are going to watch and what time it is.

Lastly, set up a Ko-fi account for yourself. This is so that others can buy you a cup of coffee. I know it sounds rediculous, but people can certainly donate to me through Patreon, and they do (I truly love my Patreon supporters), but, somehow, when someone buys me a coffee through Ko-fi, there’s a touch to it that makes me feel less alone. I think it’s because it happens in the moment. You know that for a few minutes someone thought enough of you to take time out of their day to do something tangible for you. Allow others to buy you a cup of coffee.

So what you’re really doing is planning how to spend each hour of your day on the particular holiday.

Food and Drink

What would a holiday be without food and drink? Be different, though. Instead of planning on having just one major celebratory meal, rather spoil yourself with the equivalent of the British morning tea and scones, a lunch with a glass of wine, and afternoon tea with chocolate cake. You can decide to have whatever you want.

I would suggest preparing all your food in advance, so that all you have to do on ‘the day’ is to heat it up.

My choices are as follows:

Breakfast: Coffee with a two soft boiled eggs and lightly buttered toast.

Morning tea (about 11 am). English Breakfast tea with a scone, jam, and cream.

Lunch (about 1pm) Chicken, brussel sprouts, and beetroot for my main meal. And for desert frozen blueberries with a chopped banana and coconut cream poured over. What happens is when you pour the coconut cream over the frozen berries, the coconut cream freezes, and the entire concoction tastes like ice cream. One glass of sweet wine.

Afternoon tea: Either Masala tea or Earl Grey tea with either chocolate cake or a cheese fridge cake.

Supper: Not going to happen.

An Example of Your Pre-planned Day

8 am. Wake up. Have coffee, breakfast.

9 am. Have that pre-planned group chat with friends and strangers on the web. We can also spend a little time beforehand or afterwards calling those who are close to us and wishing them happy days.

10 am. Watch a movie for two hours.

12 pm. Time for a little exercise. Walk the dog. Jump up and down. Scoot down to the coffee shop if there’s one open and you’re allowed. If not, walk about the neighborhood, or watch an exercise program online (worst case scenario). This is important because physical activity makes the happy hormones work. It also works up an appetite for lunch.

1 pm. Lunch. Because you’re on your own, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t read a book or watch a movie simultaneously.

2 pm. Time for a snooze.

3 pm. Time to set aside an hour for your new activity — jigsaw, paint by numbers, knit a beanie, or attempt the Times cross word (ugh, no).

4 pm. Time for another hour long group chat that you’ve pre-arranged for those who’ve planned to be part of the group. It’s important to have some facetime with others. So really do try and arrange time to talk to others on this day.

5 pm. Now the day is winding down, and it’s time to sink into repose with great music. Listen to the type of music that puts you into a state of worship for all that is beautiful and magnificent on our planet. Listen for an hour or two, and then have another glass of wine, grab a book or watch a movie. Your day has come to an end.

Things to Remember about Celebratory Holidays

The first thing to remember is that these holidays are just human constructs — there’s nothing really special about them. It’s just a day that human being have decided to make special. The nice thing about them is that we get to exercise our human need for warmth and closeness with others. That’s what we really miss when we are alone. It’s not the actual holiday — it’s the warmth and closeness with others that we miss.

There are only a few days like this during the year. We can live through them, and we really don’t need to feel bad. As much as human closeness is part of the human condition, so are periods of aloneness and difficulty. We are made all the more human because we experience them.

My Wish to You

I may not know you, but there are certain things I wish for you. I wish you health above all things. Without health, it’s difficult to have the energy to accomplish anything. Then I wish for you the peace of mind that comes from recognizing that you are human, fragile, and a miracle. All life is a miracle. You are no exception. And, lastly, I wish you ease in all things. We often fail to recognize that we are happiest when we are at ease.

You can buy me a cup of coffee on Christmas day (and other celebratory holidays) here.