A Generational Curse?
By: Victoria Whitt
Tags: Mental Health, Breast Cancer, Stress, Cbd, Paranoia

For my first post on this platform, I thought I would share something personal. My mind hasn’t been “settled” in what feels like forever. The professionals I’ve spoken to about my sources of anxiety have all suggested journaling, but I don’t know. I’ve always felt that it was pointless or that I didn’t know what to write or how to write. This method feels like I’m getting my thoughts *out there* but to no one in particular. I like it. I’ve been wondering about generational curses recently. When I googled the meaning, the first thing I saw was a biblical explanation that said “a generational curse describes the cumulative effect on a person of things that their ancestors did, believed, or practiced in the past, and a consequence of an ancestor’s actions, beliefs, and sins being passed down.”

…interesting.

Honestly, 2020 has been straight up garbage for almost everybody on this planet. Some have had a trashier year than others. I thought I was doing ok, given the situation we all find ourselves in during this pandemic. Of course, Covid has cancelled many plans throughout the year, but I’m still employed and I have a roof over my head. Grateful to the universe for that!

But then my aunt got diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer in October. What. The. F*ck.

A bit of back story…

I kinda grew up in a house with three women. When I was 8 years old (in 2001) my maternal grandmother passed away at 50 years old from breast cancer that had eventually spread to the lungs. Being so young at the time, few memories of my time with her truly stand out in my mind. She was a gentle soul who could sew very well and made her two children plus one grandchild anything they needed to wear. Graduation outfits, work clothes, a little romper for me to wear to the movies with our next door neighbour on the same day. Anything.

After that, my mom had taken an amazing opportunity to pursue a modelling career (at age 32, I know) and she settled in London. I saw her whenever she got the chance to come home. When I was 14 years old (in 2008) I went to spend the summer with her in London. She had stopped modelling by then. In August, when I had less than a month left there, she told me she just found out that she had “the same thing as grandma” but she said she’ll get the treatment she needs there and that she’d be ok. By the following year, she had done reconstructive surgery, chemotherapy, everything. I heard about it all over the phone. She was ok. At the end of January 2010, she came home to stay permanently. Then after a couple weeks, her health deteriorated rapidly. By March 8th, she had passed away. The cancer had come back and had spread to her brain. She was 40, I was 16.

Now in the last 18 months or so, I have been plagued with paranoia about cancer. I kept thinking it was coming for me next. I would normally let my GP do my breast checks, but she says 27 is still too young for mammograms. When my body started changing due to stress, hormones, food, whatever, I kept trying to understand how I could go back to “normal”. I was having issues with acid reflux, digestion, weight and other things. I made appointments with so many doctors, trying to get to the bottom of my health problems. I couldn’t get a headache without thinking something was wrong. I was tense. I was stressed about being stressed. Covid-19 did not help at all. I thought about doing a test to find out if I have the gene that would make me predisposed to getting breast cancer, but in the end I decided to hold off on that for just a little while because if it came back positive, the prevention procedures seemed so daunting at my age. I started using marijuana/CBD vapes and oils more because it really helped me relax. I had been drinking so much chamomile and other herbal teas hoping to cure whatever was happening. Talking to my boyfriend about it helped a lot. I felt I could be freely emotional with him. I’m also grateful to my close friends who listened to me complain in the group chat. After all that I decided to take a breather and come back to this topic next year.

This situation just came out of nowhere. All this time I was so worried about my own health. My aunt just turned 49 in October and she has always been there for me. She raised me alone when my mom was living abroad and continued to do so after she passed. Now I must be there for her. She can’t think of anyone older than my grandmother who had died from any kind of cancer. So, where did this come from? What did my grandmother do to deserve this? Her ancestors? What did her children do to deserve this? Nobody deserves this.

Curse or no curse, it’s hard to keep positive right now. All I want to do is believe that she will be ok. She’s in really good spirits, so I need to be too.