How Do You Listen to Someone With Nothing to Say?
By: Alex Boast
Tags: Anxiety, Mental Health, Depression, Listening, Communication

How Do You Listen to Someone With Nothing to Say?

Overcommunicating with the anxious or depressed is not helpful

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash

I am confident that if not you directly, you’ll know friends and family members who are having a pretty terrible time right now.

Maybe you (or they) were diagnosed with bipolar, depression or anxiety long before that C-word first hit your ears.

The Coronavirus — the great humbling — has come to force us all to look in the mirror. For some of us, this is a great fear realised, for others, it becomes a constant reminder to check in with your ailing friends.

At last, we all have something in common, right?

Well, not really.

As loved ones, acquaintances, current and ex-colleagues and strangers on LinkedIn (don’t get me started on Instagram and YouTube influencers) take to shouting from the rooftops and the bombast of WhatsApp groups to make sure you’ve heard their message that they understand, and are here for you, I can’t help but wonder how much of it is a desire to be heard themselves, after all, how can these people be listening when they’ve literally been told that there’s nothing to say?

Right now many people I know — myself included — are craving a near-impossible to achieve peaceful silence which is made difficult by well-meaning but nonetheless wrongful do-gooders from the internet.

I’ve had to explain to so many people, over and over, that no I don’t want to catch up, because there’s nothing to catch up on. People remember me the business-me, the exuberant, energetic fool that was after beer, pounds and recognition.

He got those things, and he lost them too.

Listening does not equate to understanding

Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

Do you know what is more helpful to the self-loathing, anxiously depressed untold millions of people experiencing redundancy, financial worries and other stress than your well-meaning check-ins?

Space.

I will edit a picture of my Darth Vader coffee cup that says “give me some space” on it into this post shortly.

If you’re not one of the afflicted, good for you, but don’t think you’re above the rules. My own parents and closest friends have been on the receiving end of a “please leave me alone” text recently, and I am disturbed by the continuing need to keep issuing them.

Despite Skype and other business tools featuring a “do not disturb” status, it is hard to apply one of these to our personal lives, and not helped when some people seem to decide it doesn’t apply to them.

It should be painfully clear when people like me don’t want to talk but just in case here are some things to look for:

1-word replies.

0 questions from us.

Long pauses in conversation, sometimes lasting days or weeks.

Disinterest in things that usually interest us.

Exclamations from your audience that your audience would like some space.

That’s my take, but I’m not an expert, so I asked one for you. Colin Smith is affectionately known as ‘The Listener’ and advises C-level executives on how better to listen to their people. I asked him how you can listen to someone who has nothing to say and here is what he had to say:

Photo by Morning Brew on Unsplash

“Firstly, I believe that everyone has something to say. At this point in time, there could be many things going on for them that they feel like they have nothing to say. You ask them questions, you ask for feedback, such as how are they doing, and so on. You may just get one-word answers in reply, or nothing. Is this their normal response or is it different from the norm? What else do we know about what is going on for them at this moment?

With technology, we can send messages to them to let them know you are still there and that you care. In Samaritans, we may have a silent person on the phone, and we have no idea who or where they are, their circumstances or why they are quiet. It could be they are unable to get the words out or it could be the ‘other person’ is nearby and they can’t speak because of a fear they will hear them. So a quiet, calm voice to let them know it is okay for them not to speak, and we are still here should you wish to speak. Sometimes it could be many minutes before they speak, and we have to repeat that we are still there. Even then they may simply hang up. We may never know what happened. All of that is okay as this is about them not us.

Secondly, the reason they have nothing to say, isn’t that they have nothing to say it is that they are scared and fearful of speaking. The environment does not feel safe, for them. ‘For them’, is the important part.

The way to support them to feel safe is to build trust, and whilst trust can be built in a moment, it can typically take time to really build the trust needed for someone to speak out. Sometimes, as I experienced with Samaritans, it is easier for someone who has committed a serious crime to share it with someone they have never met, or ever likely to do and to know the call is confidential. When we know someone, to open up to them, to be vulnerable, to fear being judged, etc., is really challenging. How we respond to them as they start talking, opening up, will also determine how much they open up and share with you. Many times, the conversation gets deep, personal, emotional, upsetting and so much more. If we are dismissive, judging, condemning, and not caring, empathic or loving, they could shut down or close up, only saying so much. How we are being and showing up for them determines how much they will open up to us. Again remember, this is about them, not us.

Sometimes, by slowly and regularly keeping in touch can open things up little by little. Making it non-threatening, normalising, etc., can bring them out enough to reply more than a word or two. Not to get carried away when they do reply and then not replying back straightaway, leaving a few hours in between, keeps it low key and less startling for them. What can happen is that a message from me, one reply and then a reply from me was enough for them. Over time, they may open up a little further and the three messages become five, and then an opportunity to speak on the phone. Letting them control the when and where and the length of the call matters. Listening is also a key factor. Even when they ask us a question, answer it briefly and then ask them a question related to what they have just said, shows they have been heard and you are curious and interested in what more they have to say. So is the use of silence, not speaking as soon as they draw breath or appear to have finished speaking.

The more they feel heard, by our empathic listening, the more we ask questions based on what they have said, the more their self-esteem will rise. They will begin to feel that they and their words matter, which of course they do.”