How to Talk to Anyone and Generate a Positive Outcome
By: Stark Raving
Tags: Language, Society, Relationships, Self, Communication

How to Talk to Anyone and Generate a Positive Outcome

A Beginner’s Guide to Non-Violent Communication

Photo by Cristina Gottardi on Unsplash

That classic sentence of marital disputes, “It is not what you said, it is the way you said it,” brings home a critical point: in reality, there is nothing you can’t say (as long as it isn’t racist, sexist, homophobic, classist or otherwise oppressive) as long as you choose the right way to say it. This is really the basis for Non-Violent Communication, a way of talking to each other theorised by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg.

The idea is that all humans are compassionate, that their emotions and needs are legitimate and based on good intentions, and therefore, open, honest communication should allow people to sort out any differences in a peaceful way.

Using Non-Violent Communication is a way of dealing with “difficult” colleagues or family members, dealing with the ups and downs that come of living together with lovers or friends. It is a way of deepening connections, even with people with whom you thought it would never be possible to communicate in a positive way. It is a way of breaking through aggressivity and defensiveness to reach the core thought processes at play, creating more empathy and understanding.

The Four Step Process

The basic model for expressing oneself in a non-violent way is the following:

When I see that ________

I feel _________

because my need for _________ is not met

Would you be willing to _____?

This particular example applies to a situation of conflict but it can be adapted to anything you would like to say to someone.

The basic framework has four components:

1 — Observation: Examining what another person is saying or doing which is positive or negative for our own life, and expressing it without judgement, striping it down to non-debateble facts.

2 — Feeling: What are our feelings as a result of the actions or words we have observed?

3 — Need: On a deeper level, why are these actions or words something that upsets us? What is it linked to in who we are and what we need?

4 — Request: How might the other person change things, or what might we do to change things?

What is important is to express each section as what it is — don’t state a feeling like it was an observation, or else something that you are feeling as a result of perception becomes an accusation that you impute to the other person.

At the beginning, as you learn to speak this way, it is useful to follow this framework step by step. When you get more used to it, you will find it easy to express the four elements outside of the form. It will also become more natural, the staged and self-conscious feeling you may get when first speaking like this goes away as you become more accustomed to expressing yourself honestly, and find your own words to do so naturally.

This is the process for Non-Violent Communication.

Rosenberg also describes a mindset with two parts:

1- Express oneself honestly through these four components. Seek to speak the truth, even if it means making oneself vulnerable by naming one's feelings and needs.

2- Receive empathically through the four components. Listen to what the other person is feeling and understand their point of view, and how they perceived something you may have felt differently about. You can in turn describe what you felt and needed through your words, but don’t contradict their feelings or say they are wrong for feeling them.

Many of the problems we face stem from lack of open and honest communication and Non-Violent Communication takes practice but can ultimately be transformative.