How The Media Shaped Your Idea Of Love
Tags: Self Improvement, Media, Life, Love, Relationships

MYTH 1: SOULMATES

“We’re stuck in the daydream of a naive 13 year old girl” — Jordan Peterson

The One. The Woman of my dreams. Mr Right. My One and Only. A match made in heaven. My Prince Charming. My True Love. My Everything.

We’re made for each other. We’re meant to be together. You complete me.

This is the fantasy language of soulmates. That there is one person and one person only who is destined to be with you. And that when you finally meet them they will fill the hole in your heart and make you completely happy.

You’re supposed to know what your soulmate is thinking. You’re supposed to be happy with them all the time. And you’re supposed to be able to finish each others sentences

You’re supposed to kiss in the rain. You’re supposed to meet them under dramatic circumstances. Sex with them is supposed to be romantic and under dim lights that place shadows perfectly on your body (Just like in the movies). They’re supposed to confess their love with a grand gesture (Myth 5. More on this later).

What happens then, when these expectations are not met?

What happens when you meet a perfectly good partner who you like very much, but it just doesn’t feel like it’s supposed to.

The sex is ok. Your first kiss was in the break room at work. There was no grand gesture. And you can’t psychically read their thoughts (In fact, you often have no idea what they’re thinking).

To somebody who has consumed heavy amounts of romantic comedies and romance novels: nobody will ever meet their standards.

Because their standards are based in fantasy.

No man can possibly hope to meet the standards of the “Mr Right” fantasy you’ve built up in your head. And no woman can hope to meet the standards of the “Perfect Princess” idea you have.

73% of Americans believe in Soulmates. Yet roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce in the US.

Something is wrong here. There is a huge difference between people’s beliefs and reality.

With so many marriages ending in divorce, we have to ask the question:

ARE WE MONOGAMOUS?

Among all other species of mammals, only around 3% are monogamous.

In countries where you can be stoned to death for infidelity, people still cheat on their spouse. And cheating happens across all cultures.

Now brace yourself. Things about to get a little disgusting. Kids, cover your ears.

Ladies and Gentlemen. I present: The human penis.

The penis evolved to compete with the sperm of other men. This suggests that in our hunter-gatherer societies women had sex with multiple men and clearly did not live a monogamous lifestyle.

Now if that wasn’t gross enough, let’s talk about the male ejaculation.

Most ejaculations have 5–7 “shots” of sperm. The first shots contain chemical compounds that are designed to kill off any sperm from other men. And the last shots are designed to protect the sperm from any foreign chemicals that might destroy them. Again, this suggests that women have historically had sex with multiple partners.

Neither the bonobo or the chimp (our closest ancestors) are monogamous.

Just take a look at Pornhub’s most searched for terms for 2018.

Does this seem like the results of a monogamous species to you?

Many will say that we must be monogamous, because we get jealous when we see our partner with somebody else. But then you have to ask: Why would we get jealous if we were naturally monogamous?

If we were naturally monogamous, there would be no reason to get jealous in the first place. We get jealous because we know that there’s a possibility of our partner cheating.

Because infidelity is in our DNA.

Still, it’s not quite that simple. We also lean towards monogamy in a number of ways. Love is real. People do fall in love. But it’s certainly not as simple as: There’s one person for everyone.

In the end, most of us feel urges towards both monogamy and polygamy. In the end, monogamy is a choice that you make. A choice with advantages and disadvantages.

The problem is: the media narrative tells us that there is no choice to make. According to the media narrative we’re all supposed to naturally find “The One” fall in love and live happily ever after.

So what happens when you’re attracted to someone outside of your relationship? What happens when you have romantic feelings towards multiple people? What happens when your “soulmate” cheats on you? Or your partner ends the relationship? Or your partner passes away?

The media narrative and reality crash into each other and your entire belief system falls apart.

Or maybe not. Maybe you continue to believe in soulmates.

If your “soulmate” cheats on you, then maybe you should stay with them. Because you’re destined to be together and everything will work out in the end (Myth 6. More on this later).

If your “soulmate” ends the relationship, then you just need to convince them to love you again. After all, they’re your soulmate. So they’ll change their mind in the end. It’s destiny.

WHY DOES THE MEDIA ENCOURAGE THE IDEA OF SOULMATES?

This is what happens to a society when monogamy is not encouraged

We have twice as many female ancestors as male ancestors. It’s because of hypergamy (Women’s general preference to date men higher on the socio-economic ladder), that our species evolved beyond chimpanzees. Only men with the best genes were chosen by women to reproduce with.

The men with inferior genes died without having children. And that’s one of the main mechanisms that helped us evolve into the advanced species we are today.

But we also have a bloody history of murder and violence. A culture based on monogamy prevents that.

So when the media pushes the narrative of soulmates, this helps keep the society stable. As the bottom 30% of men are not left out of the dating game in a world of soulmates.

A society not based on monogamy is doomed to fail. (With the exception of hunter-gatherer societies. And very few of them still exist)