The Four Things I Wanted to Hear Most When I Was Suicidal
By: Tara Zoë Roshe
Tags: Mental Illness, Depression, Mental Health, Suicide, Bipolar Depression

I have bipolar disorder and have struggled with suicidal thoughts at different times throughout my life. Today, I am lucky enough to have several close friends who are very supportive, and who have helped me when I was at my lowest moments.

I’ve always relied on my friends and loved ones to help me in my difficult times. Having a friend to listen can make a huge, huge difference — it can literally be lifesaving for someone struggling with suicidal thoughts.

Over the years of battling with depression, I’ve come to be aware of the things I most want to hear — most need to hear — when I’m in the depths of despair and thinking of taking my own life.

I’m going to share these things, because they may also apply to other people who struggle with suicidal feelings. They may be things that you can say if you have a loved one who also struggles with depression.

I am not a trained professional, only someone who’s been through the wringer and lived to tell about it.

Everyone is different. Every person is unique. Things that helped me may not help everyone, so I can’t promise this information will be applicable to your situation if you have a loved one who is struggling with thoughts of suicide.

Nevertheless, I thought I’d share. Take from it what you will.

Here are the four things I wanted to hear most when I was suicidal.

I love you.

These three words are so incredibly powerful. If they are true, say them to your loved one.

In the depths of depression, I never felt lovable in any way. All I felt towards myself was self-hatred. I felt like I was the most terrible person on earth. I couldn’t love myself, and I couldn’t imagine anyone else loving me.

Even if you’re certain your loved one knows that you love them — say it. Even if you’ve said it to them before — say it. Most likely, they need to hear it again.

If you don’t feel comfortable saying “I love you,” the words “I care about you” work too.

You are not a burden.

There have been times when I very much wanted to kill myself, and knowing that my friends would suffer enormous grief stopped me.

Many times, I’ve realized how much my suicide would hurt the people who love me. And that was enough to pull me back from the abyss.

But there have been other times the thought of hurting people didn’t stop me at all. Not because I didn’t care. But because I didn’t believe it.

Depression is a disease. It lies to you. It tells you that you are unlovable and that no one could possibly care. It tells you that your friends will be much better off without you.

When I was depressed, I would lean on my friends and become emotionally needy, and I was aware of this. I knew I was taking up a lot of their time, and I knew I was upsetting them.

Logically, it should have been clear that the whole reason they were upset was that they cared about me and didn’t want to lose me. But somehow, in the depth of the depression, this truth escaped me.

I was completely, 100% convinced that they would be better off if I died. Maybe they would mourn for a short time, but they would soon realize how much better off they were. My death would set them free. I would no longer be a burden to them.

Remind your loved one that they are not a burden. Tell them that you would much rather have them in your life than dead.

Which leads to the next thing.

I want you to live.

This probably seems obvious. Why would you be there for them at all if you didn’t want them to live? They should know it.

You’ve told them not to kill themselves. You’ve spent time with them. You’ve shown compassion to them. You’ve sat with them, listened to them, and encouraged them.

It should be blindingly obvious that you want them to live, right?

Keep in mind that depression is not only a disorder of mood. It affects the person’s moods and causes them to suffer emotional pain. But it also affects a person’s thoughts. A person in the grip of depression has a hard time thinking rationally.

In the depths of depression, things that may have once seemed obvious are often not so clear. Yes, we really do wonder if you truly want us to live.

Tell them that you want them to live. Tell them this as many times as they need to hear it.

Somehow, truly knowing my friends wanted me to live always gave me a huge burst of resolve to keep fighting. It was so incredibly powerful — my friends wanted me alive. They wanted me to keep fighting. They were rooting for me to get through my depression.

Whether it was because I didn’t want to disappoint them, or because I saw value in my own life through them, simply knowing my friends wanted me to live often gave me the power to fight off my suicidal feelings.

It was almost like a battery charge that inspired me to keep fighting when I wanted to give up.

Again, everything you’re doing — talking to your friend, listening to them, supporting them — shows them that you care. But sometimes, they have to hear it. Say it.

I will be there for you.

No, you don’t have to be at your friend’s beck and call every second. You don’t have to take the phone to bed with you and take calls at 3 AM — unless you feel that this is something you want to do.

You should encourage them, even make them promise, that if they can’t reach you in a crisis they should call another friend or a suicide hotline. The number is 1–800–273–8255. Make sure they have it.

But let your friend know that you are not going to abandon them. Because they are probably afraid you will.

Even though some of my friends had been friends of mine for years, I was afraid they’d abandon me when I was in the grip of suicidal thoughts.

The truth is, in the past, some people I thought were close friends didn’t stick around when I became depressed.

When you’re depressed, you put demands on a friendship — not all friends can tolerate that. You find out, quickly, who your real friends are when you suffer from depression.

People get tired of listening to another person complain. They don’t want to hear a person repeating, again and again, how bad their lives are and how much they want to escape.

It gets boring. It gets frustrating.

Sometimes people don’t want to or can’t cope with the emotional intensity of someone who is struggling with depression.

Because most of us who suffer from a mental illness of any kind have lost friends because of it, we are often afraid that our friends won’t stick around.

So it can be very, very, very comforting to know that you’re not going anywhere.

Your support matters.

Good friends who care can be literally lifesaving to a person who is suffering from depression.

Even if you think you aren’t doing any good, even if you think you aren’t helping your friend, I promise you, you are. Suicidal thoughts are so much easier to fight when you aren’t fighting alone.

Professional help is important.

Of course, no friend can or should take the place of a trained counselor or therapist. Medication and therapy are important for treating depression, and no friend can provide those.

So it’s important to encourage your friend to get professional treatment for their depression. They should always be talking to a professional, a licensed therapist, psychiatrist, or psychologist about their suicidal thoughts.

So encourage them to get the help they need.

But remember that just being there, and just letting them know you care, can help the person a great deal too.

These four things, said with sincerity, helped me so much when I was suicidal.

I will always be grateful that I have people in my life who can say these things to me and mean them.