Drumpf Fires White House
By: Phillip T Stephens
Tags: White House, Donald Trump, Humor, Impeachment, Satire

Drumpf Fires White House

”Can’t say I retaliated against that whistle blower now.”

As another week closed on impeachment hearings with the whistle blower’s identity still unknown, Drumpf took matters into his own hand by firing the entire White House, NSA and State Department staffs. The move was Drumpf’s counter punch to a press and House Impeachment inquiry that wouldn’t violate the law and out the source that led to the current Ukraine hearings.

”You can’t say I retaliated against that whistle blower now,” he crowed before reporters, strutting like a rooster who doesn’t know he’s already been castrated. “I fired them all. Every one of those deep state losers who conspired against me. No one came say I’m intimidating the treasonous, traitorous bastard because I axed them all. It doesn’t get more democratic than that, and by democratic I don’t mean the Dirty Democrats who are conspiring to use my great deal with the Ukraines against me, even though it never happened, which is the Democrats’ fault by the way because if they hadn’t stuck their noses into my top secret business which was meant to stay between Rudy, Vlad and me. Well and the Ukrainians, of course. I mean democratic in the way that all employees are equal, subject to the whims of their boss, who is me. Which they forgot when that whistle blower blew the whistle. He could’ve blown the whistle on Biden and his criminal conspiracy to make his son rich on the money we sent them, but he blew the whistle on his God-given, Second Amendment defending, border protecting Commander in Chief and that’s treason no matter how you look at it.”

The statement was the seventeenth longest and twelfth most rambling statement in the history of Drumpf Presidential statements.

Drumpf’s statement was the seventeenth longest and twelfth most rambling statement in the history of Drumpf Presidential statements.

The firings seem to be a last ditch effort to stall investigations after Drumpf had Senator Rand Paul plead with the media to violate law and reveal the whistle blower’s identity. The only taker was Russian media , which delighted Drumpf until Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney informed him House Democrats and the public interpreted the move as more Russian collusion.

“Drumpf shouted, ‘no fair,’ when Mulvaney told him the news,” Mulvaney’s assistant Chief of Staff BJ Kizzazz told The Haven. “Then he shouted, ‘Can’t you do anything right? I give you one simple task, twist Zelinkoff’s (Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky) arm until he delivers the goods to kill Biden in the election. What do you give me? Impeachment.’”

”Can’t you do anything right? I give you one simple task, twist Zelinkoff’s arm until he delivers the goods to kill Biden in the election. What do you give me? Impeachment.”

(Kizzazz later called The Haven asking to retract the statement when he learned he was one of the dozen staff members to be spared the chopping block. Whether he will continue to be spared is uncertain after this article is published. Since Drumpf doesn’t read, we think his odds are good).

The firings also include Philip Reeker, Alexander Vindman, Fiona Hill, and Ambassador Gordon Sondland, additional Federal employees who testified against Drumpf. “This is not retaliation,” Drumpf said. “Just cleaning house. If a few treasonous bad eggs who betrayed me got swept out with them, then it’s not a reflection on me. I have behaved impeachably, I mean impeccably throughout this entire affair. One hundred percent perfect. No perfecter than perfect. More perfect than any other President whose been stabbed in the back and betrayed by scum inside the deep state in history.”

“This is not retaliation. Just cleaning house. If a few treasonous bad eggs who betrayed me got swept out with them, then it’s not a reflection on me. I have behaved impeachably, I mean impeccably throughout this entire affair.”

Severance BonusIm

Photocopied Polaroid given as severance bonus. (US Coast Guard)

Mulvaney, who now serves as Chief of Staff and the entire Office of Communications announced to the press that every terminated employee received a signed photograph of Drumpf as a severance bonus. “The President even made it clear the photos were valuable enough to sell on eBay. They should make enough money to pay their bills for years.”

The bonuses, which consist of photocopies of a Polaroid shot of Drumpf saluting the troops and signed with a machine, were received with little enthusiasm. “Redeem this on eBay?” Jamie Ann Goodcop told The Haven as she left the White House with her box containing twenty years of accumulated personal effects. “Even if it was worth something, he’s flooded the market with thousands of the Xeroxed fuckers. The electricity to log on will cost more than this is worth.”

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