Getting Started with Family Meetings
By: Hillarie Maddox
Tags: Multigenerational, Boundaries, Meetings, Communication, Family

Getting Started with Family Meetings

Family meetings were a foreign concept to me for much of my life. I had a hard time imagining my family, or any other family, sitting down with an agenda and having a productive conversation.

Let me walk you through what a zoom family meeting would sound like with my parents and siblings:

Hillarie: Okay, fam, we have thirty minutes! What do we need to talk about tonight?

[silence for a solid 20 seconds]

Sister: Tomorrow is Bella’s birthday! Meow, meow, meow!

[continues to hold her cat in the camera for another 30 seconds]

Hillarie: Coolcoolcool. So, I think we should talk about a family vacation this summer. What did you think of what we did last year?

Dad: It would have been nice if people could shut the door open and not let out all of the cool air.

Mom: I will bring some cheap scissors for crafts with the kids. Last year somebody used my nice fabric scissors to open a box.

Sister: That was Hillarie.

Hillarie: Literally your scissors are just fine, mom.

Brother: [heavy sigh]

Dad: Mom, we need to go to the grocery store. [hangs up]

Mom: I’m making cookies! Talk to you later! [hangs up]

Brother: So, what did we decide?

Sister: Nothing.

All this to say that family meetings are not a natural form of communication for many of us and they do take work. Let me give you a bit of history on how we started family meetings and how you can make them work for you.

Genesis of our family meeting

We didn’t call it a meeting at first because it felt too formal. When my husband and I got married, our biggest point of friction together was our finances. For him, it was just math but for me it was emotional experience that I avoided at all costs. However, I knew it was important and I wanted to get better at it. And adding some structure around the conversation seemed like a way to make it less scary.

We called our finance meetings “Sunday walk and talk” and would walk to a local tea shop while discussing financial goals, challenges, and ideas — we kept it simple and the agenda very loose. Over time, our communication about finances became easier and we were able to evolve what we talked about and how we talked about it.

With time and after many tears, we stabilized our budget and our weekly meetings have become monthly check-ins. We also started having budget strategy workshops once a year and anytime there is a significant event that impacts our finances, such as a baby, a move, or change in earnings. The name, purpose, and outcomes of our meetings has been intentional so we do not become complacent about what we are trying to accomplish.

We do sometimes fall off the wagon with our finance meetings but we continue to find ways to increase accountability. Things we have done include defining our roles (budget manager vs auditor) or asking assessing if the purpose of our meetings needs to evolve. Our meetings have taught me a lot about effective communication and provided great preparation for larger family meetings with our extended family.

Why hold a family meeting

Meetings, regardless of formality, are useful tools because they provide a defined space and time communicate using agreed-upon rules. Those rules can be created and adapted based on what works for you and your family.

When my husband and I moved in with his parents we knew it would be important to discuss boundaries in order for us to cohabitate successfully. After all, an adult child does not want to continue to be parented any more than a parent wants to assume the normal parent role to a grown child.

We did successfully reset boundaries, establish new norms together, and we have even waded through some very uncomfortable but necessary conversations along the way. This year, meetings became especially important as other boundaries were blurred now that we are all working from home together. Things like cleaning, groceries, childcare, Covid hygiene, home maintenance, and work are regular topics for us.

Tips for starting your family meetings

We’ve come a long way and have benefited from a formal structure for communication. With a few years of family meetings behind me, here are my recommendations for running a successful family meeting.

Choose a style that fits your family

Does the word ‘meeting’ make you feel sad and like your time is about to be wasted? I get it. But rather than foregoing them altogether, pick a different name. Try family check-in, a quick pause, or dinner chat. Whatever makes it feel less sanitized and fits your preferred style. You’ll likely be more successful if you lure people in with a good meal or a fun activity.

Hold the meeting in a place that is neutral territory for the whole family. In other words, don’t force people into your office or crowd into the man cave if it puts some members at a disadvantage. Instead try the kitchen, on the deck, at the playground, or over a board game.

Keep the agenda tight, but not rigid. This is especially important if you are just starting or have active kiddos. Have no more than three items you want to discuss and know what you need to get out of the discussion — a decision, awareness, support, etc. Know that the conversation will veer off track, and that’s normal and perfectly fine. Have patience and experiment with different ways to gently bring the conversation back to the topics.

Set boundaries

Healthy boundaries can make or break a family meeting. Why? Because healthy boundaries create trust. Once trust is lost, people will not engage and it can be difficult to repair the damage.

One way to get buy-in on boundaries is to create them together. As a family, create a list of the things that will improve communication and trust. Some boundaries that we use in our meetings include:

One person speaking at a time

Start and end on-time

Assume good intent

No phones or TV during the meeting

Depending on your family dynamics, you may need to be explicit about the kind of communication that is tolerable and that which is not okay. For example, only bring up issues that are open for group input, avoiding topics that are raw or invasive, or zero tolerance for shaming, name calling, or other forms of put-downs.

Lastly, actively enforce boundaries and make sure that everyone is empowered to do the same. Allowing kids or sibling to call out adult misbehavior and responding positively is extremely powerful modeling. It will forge better relationships and boundaries for everyone.

Allow room for uncomfortable conversations

This recommendation is highly contingent on healthy boundaries. The ability to navigate discomfort is an important skill and many of us don’t have enough opportunities to learn how to do it effectively. A safe and loving family setting can be a great place to learn.

Lots of big feelings come up during family meetings, leading to a palpable level of discomfort. It can be triggered by the loss of a family member, a breach in trust, or general ambiguity in life. Sometimes you can alleviate the discomfort by calling it out and gently acknowledging into the source of the discomfort. (“I know this is hard to talk about now that dad isn’t with us. How can we help?”)

Other times, the source of discomfort may be too deep or complex to resolve in a family meeting. Either way, it is important to recognize there is tension, call it out, and do the work to address the tension in a healthy and productive manner.

Rotate responsibilities

This is my favorite recommendation because you get to see your family members in new and different ways. Typically we have a few roles in our family meetings: a facilitator, a note-taker, and a food czar. We have gotten used to certain people doing each, but it is fun to mix things up sometimes.

Give the role of facilitator to a child or another adult who is not seasoned in the role. It takes patience, coaching, and a sense of humor, but it will be a learning experience for everyone involved.

You may find the need for specific roles based on how you choose to hold your family meetings. Don’t feel like you have to do everything. The more you can delegate responsibilities and allow space for learning, the more commitment and engagement you will see.

Now you try

Put on your own family meetings and see what works. You will also absolutely learn what doesn’t work, and that’s great too! If you have other pointers, please share.