Season of the Absurd
By: Life On Edit
Tags: Theatre, Forgiveness, Dads, Christian, Life Change

A story of finding redemption after my “rebel” years

“It was foolish indeed — thus to run farther and farther from all who could help her, as if she had been seeking a fit spot for the goblin creature to eat her in at his leisure; but that is the way fear serves us: it always sides with the thing we are afraid of.”

― George MacDonald, The Princess and the Goblin

My dad was never the parent who guilt tripped or “laid into” you about the list of ways you were screwing up your life (even though he had every right to with me as a daughter). He never yelled, he never put me down. Instead, he had the most beautiful, gentle way of asking me questions, not to point out my screw ups, but to make me question them. I’d like to think that’s because he truly understands humans better than most people.

And if we’re being honest, when we’re in the middle of a big mess the last thing our pride lets us do is listen to the “prophet” screaming about our failures, right? We’d rather run into the mouth of a lion than make an apology.

So no, my dad isn’t the screaming prophet type. He’s so much more courageously gentle than that. It takes a huge amount of wisdom to be courageously gentle…

Dad and I at my college graduation

A few years ago I was depressed and lost because of all the trouble I’d gotten myself into/found myself in, and my dad knew it. My whole family knew it. God and the entire country knew it (at least it felt like the entire country was just laughing and watching me fail).

My dad and I were having a quiet moment in the kitchen and I could tell my dad was waiting and searching for the right words to say. I know his thinking face, and I know his “I need to talk to my hurting daughter face,” and both those faces were clearly up and running, so I knew I just needed to stand and wait.

I was waiting for the big blow up, hail and brimstone, parent to kid scream sesh I deserved. I knew what was right. I knew what I needed to do. I knew what I needed to be. I just simply wasn’t do it.

But instead of blowing up on me, my perceptive dad asked me,

“How long did the periods of the more chaotic theatre last?”

“You mean, like, Theatre of the Absurd and stuff? A couple of years, maybe 20?”

“Exactly. We can’t last in chaos.”

That was it.

That was all he said before he walked away, and I knew exactly what he was saying.

He could tell that I was tired of how I was living. That I was tired of the mess I was in. Heck, anyone who knew me even a little bit knew I was tired. He was kindly explaining to me that I couldn’t keep this lifestyle up for much longer. I can’t keep living in chaos. It will end one way or the other. The part that he left lingering in the air with his eyes was that he wanted me to end it on my terms- gracefully and with wisdom that only Christ could bring.

I’d love to say that I suddenly changed. I mean, inwardly I was changing bit by bit every day, I just wasn’t showing it to people. But no, I didn’t do a 180 after that conversation. My period of chaos slowly fizzled out as I slowly replaced it with a personal Bible Study here and there, long prayers begging God for help, or for just one real friend, in my dorm in the middle of the night. Those late nights in college staring up at the ceiling, just simply slowly studying God and my heart, was fizzling out my chaos.

Change can be slow and still be 100% a real heart change. I think we need to remind people that some times it takes time to get out of chaos. Good and bad will overlap until the Good ultimately takes over. We need to remind ourselves that faith is a journey and that it is okay for things to eb and flow, and its okay that sometimes we get confused and waver. We need space, time and sometimes we need to be thrown into “chaos” to work out our faith.

The important thing is that we WORK OUT OUR FAITH.

So here I am- continuing to work out my faith. That will kind of be the purpose of this blog. I have a lot of thoughts and I need an outlet, so this is that outlet.

But I know, the last thing the world needs is another voice shouting out opinions.

You don’t need me. You don’t need anything I have to offer.

You can be you. I can be me. Life will go in happily without reading a word I say.

But I want to have a place for myself to talk freely. To discover more about myself and the world around me. And if you feel like it, you can chime in and watch me grow. If you don’t, that’s so cool too. I hope you’re being you and are enjoying every moment of your existence.

If you don’t like what I say, chat with me. Let’s have a conversation and be friends.

I love friends.

So, go forth and be genuine with people, love hard, find the truth and speak the truth.

There comes a time in life where you just stop and say “Dang, you mean all that stuff I’ve been chasing for the past 3 years just doesn’t matter… ouch.” I don’t know what that thing for you is, it could just be, “You know, lipstick doesn’t really matter that much, my heart does.” And that may seem like such a tiny problem to some people, but it could be huge to you.

If you’re at that point, if your heart is ready to admit some BIG honest gunk you’ve been holding onto, you might like some of what I have to say.

Maybe you absolutely blew it like I did. You chased the absolutely worst life path you could have for a few years and wound up broken and depressed. And you took a deep look into your and just said “Dang, I blew it big time. It’s rotten in here.” Restart it, man. Crank the engine again. No one said you can’t change, re-route or do a 180.

Take your life back. You CAN restart. You CAN hold on to your morals NOW. I think sometimes we just need someone to remind us of that. Don’t stick to your guns just out of embarrassment. Admit to yourself you messed up and hate what you’ve become and reach out for help.

I think so much of my mistakes started when I wanted someone to think I was cool. And I look back now and think, “What the heck. Why did it matter if *That* person thought I was cool? What a stupid reason to try and change my personality, my likes and dislikes for one person.” And it wasn’t even just one person for me. I tried to get so many people to like me, and to be honest, if I’d just been confident in myself they probably would’ve thought I was chill, ya know.

I tried so hard to “be real” that I was fake, because being real has become a fad and, unfortunately, most fads require us to deny our values in exchange for fleeting pleasure and popularity.