Coming Back From the Darkness, Year One
By: Shannon Wasson
Tags: Mental Health Awareness, Trauma, Mental Health, College, Mental Illness

I was just another college kid. Studying marathons all night, volunteering for a few hours a week, and then working every day. I was lonely, exhausted, and had secretly been struggling with severe depression and suicidal ideation for years. I self-harmed in the traditional and nontraditional sense. Working yourself to the breaking point is considered self-harm, which I found out years later. I was trying my best to be the best version of a pre-med student, clicking all the boxes on the application I could at once. I threw myself into my job, and it was my one source of companionship aside from a friend that lived 3,000 miles away and another great friend who was just as overworked and stressed as I was. I met some coworkers and finally, for a few months, felt like I belonged. Turns out I put my trust in the wrong people. I trusted this coworker and even considered him a great friend. I was so wrong. After he raped me twice and was fired for unrelated reasons, I was at my downfall. That was the last straw. I stopped going to class, started binge-drinking, and watched the false front I had put up for years crumble. It was time I came clean with myself and with those I loved. I finally stopped the shame of saying “I am not unwell.” to keep me from getting help. I came clean to my doctors, went to a psychiatrist, and started my steps of getting better.

A year and a half later, I still feel like I’m starting. I wish it was as quick and clean as others pretend it to be, but it is not. I am writing this to hopefully reach someone who is going through something similar and feels just as alone as I still do. We aren’t alone even though it still really feels that we are. To this day, I am nowhere where I once was, and I still suffer every single day. I am not fully better, and I don’t expect to be any time soon. If you feel the shame I still sometimes feel about not being better still, don’t be. No matter what you lived through, you lived through trauma. The trauma won’t just leave because one day you decide you're done being in pain. I wish it was that easy.

I am writing this to share that it is okay to not be okay, as cheesy as it sounds. I am not okay, and chances are if you’ve read this far, you aren’t either. I have gotten better I will admit. It is not as much of a death sentence as it feels. I found someone I really love, I moved away from the area that caused me so much pain, and I am now getting the opportunity to start over. I still can’t talk to my partner or my family about how much pain I’m in.

If you are still in the beginning stages like I am, here are some of the things I did to get the healing process started:

Admitted something was wrong. No one can help you if you don’t admit you need help in the first place.

No one can help you if you don’t admit you need help in the first place. Got professional help. Chances are, your loved ones will want to help you as much as they can, They can only do so much. There is no shame in admitting you need help from someone trained. It feels shameful depending on how you were raised or your environment, but I promise you, there is no shame. Helping yourself get to lead your best life is never shameful.

I wish all of us the best. Everyone has trauma, but their trauma does not downplay your own. We will suffer together, grow together, and eventually thrive together.