5 Rules for Better Social Skills in College
By: Kevin Mccordic
Tags: Self Improvement, College, Smile, Social Skills, Conversations

TL;DR

“The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important.” John Dewey, American philosopher & founder of pragmatism

The “Too Long Didn’t Read” summary of this article is:

Focus on the other person

Smile

Remember, and use, names

If you only come away with one 3-step checklist, this should be it.

The Psych

The rest of this article will outline why these things are important, and some action steps you can take to ensure positive interactions.

I hope to outline some general principles for those who might have trouble making friends or who may get nervous or anxious in social situations. I know what it feels like to think you are doing everything right and just have the bottom fall out of a conversation. It is brutal. I hope these guidelines can help to prevent this harsh feeling and lead to more positive relationships and personal connection.

A lot of the following ideas come from Dale Carnegie’s classic book, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Over 30 million copies of this book have been sold since its release in 1936, making it one of the best-selling books of all time. It lays out the fundamental principles in dealing with others, and dissects what hurts or helps the direction of a conversation or friendship. I recommend reading it for anyone who wants to learn more on the subject.

Dale Carnegie

Become genuinely interested in other people

“You can make more friends in two months by being interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

The first thing to understand about people is that they are not interested in you and they are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves.

For this reason, it is important to encourage others to talk about themselves. When the conversation shifts to being about the other person, you will most likely notice that their eyes light up and they look to stay on the subject. This isn’t bad or even necessarily impolite; it is just human nature. We have evolved to think about our own affairs over time because it helped us to survive. Thinking about yourself is important for self-preservation and is actually fundamental to living your life. Everyone does it. When you talk about the other person, it makes them feel important. You show that you have real interest in their life and that feels good.

You cannot fake this.

Fake interest is one of the easiest things to spot in another person. If you think for a second, I’m sure you can come up with examples of a time when another person showed fake interest in you. It feels bad and undermines the entire conversation. It is very important to become genuinely interested in the other person.

Practice seeing life from their point of view. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. This will create a stronger emotional connection to the conversation and naturally make it more enjoyable.

Learning this skill is one of the best ways to make better connections with others.

When you become genuinely interested in them, they feel important and like talking to you. It also opens the bridge for them to be more interested in you and want to learn about your story. This is conducive for friendship and can make all the difference in either pushing others away or really forming a bond with them. The only way for this to occur, though, is by starting from a point of enthusiasm.

Default to being interested in others and trying to see their life from their point of view.

2. Smile

“A smile has a magical power; it makes everyone smile back” Debasish Mridha, American physician & philosopher

A simple smile can go a long way.

Actions speak louder than words. When you smile at someone, you are physically telling them that you like them and you’re happy they’re here. That alone can set the stage for much better conversation and ensure a more positive experience.

Smiling also has a very real connection to your mood. We often think that actions follow emotions. However, a smile can break this loop and affect your mood. Take a second and smile. You will automatically feel more lighthearted and in a better mood.

People also tend to mirror body language when talking to each other.

If you smile while talking to someone, they are much more likely to smile back. This improves both of your moods and starts to create a positive connection with you in their mind. They start to think, “when I see this person, they are in a good mood and put me in a good mood.” This makes you more attractive and makes people want to be around you.

Remember to mix in a smile or two while talking and watch how it benefits your interactions.

3. Remember, and use, names

“A person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective complement. But forget it or misspell it — and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.” Dale Carnegie

or…

“That’s not my name…” Anonymous upset college female

Remembering someone’s name is the best way to make them feel important.

A study using little kids and babysitters showed that the main contributing factor to if children liked their babysitter was if the babysitter remembered their names. Given kids are much more in tune with natural instincts, we can learn a lot from this research.

People have a natural bias towards those who remember them, because you only remember the people you think are important. When you remember someone’s name, you are signaling to them that you believe they are important. This makes them feel good.

If you’ve ever been to a college party, there’s a good chance you’ve run into the name game test. “What’s my name?” becomes the favorite calling card of girls you’ve only briefly met. Besides testing your ability to think on the fly, there is an instinctual reason they ask this question: if you know their name, you must have thought they were important the first time you met. You remembered them. If you don’t remember their name, they obviously did not make an impression. They were forgettable. The gravity of your answer can be measured by observing their expression upon hearing your response.

Imagine her name is Julia. When you reply with confidence, “Julia! How are you?” she is delighted. You passed the test and she is happy to talk to you. However, a response of, “ummm, Kate?” yields an annoyed frown. This very well may be the last time you guys speak to each other.

All jokes aside, remembering someone’s name is always a positive and an easy way of securing good will. Make it a habit to try and remember names upon your first meeting with someone. Repeat it back to them: “Matt, nice to meet you man.” This will help you remember and create a positive encounter the next time you guys run into each other.

It’s also important to use someone’s name in conversation.

Calling someone by name is like paying them a very subtle compliment. A person’s name is very powerful — it embodies their identity. Not using someone’s name or forgetting their name signals disinterest and distance. It is like a subtle insult.

Most people don’t remember names just due to a lack of effort. It’s easy to forget when meeting someone. We’re introduced to someone and forget their name a couple of minutes later. Put in the little extra effort to remember names and it will pay dividends for your relationships in the long-run.

4. Become a good listener

“She listened to him all night and he found her fascinating.” Vanna Bonta, Degrees

In conversation, it is natural for people to want to talk about themselves.

They are constantly trying to think of what to say next and how to best contribute to the conversation. Their biggest vault of information to pull from is their own experiences. If you bring up something about yourself, they almost immediately try to think of some way to relate to you and express how you guys might be similar.

Given this is the default, people enjoy it when you show interest in hearing about them. Again, it makes them feel important. “He’s a good conversationalist” usually refers to a person’s ability to listen and respond intelligently. They want the conversation to be about them and their problems, not about you and your problems.

Most people prefer a good listener over a good talker. Listen and learn about others and you will form better relationships.

5. Talk about their interests

“The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.” Theodore Roosevelt, 26th President of the US

People want to talk about things that they are interested in.

When you show that you want to talk about things that are interesting to them, a few different things can happen.

They appreciate that you are making conversation about something that will make them happy. This is flattering and makes people want to talk to you more. If you share similar interests, this brings the two of you closer. Through this you can become better friends and form a better connection. You may discover the reasons they are interested in the topic and be able to relate to them on a fundamental level. You can learn a lot about someone by what they like and don’t like.

Talking about what the other person is interested in is beneficial for both of you. This topic can be a good default when trying to make conversation.

Summary

Again, the simplified 3-step list:

Focus on the other person

Smile

Remember, and use, names

These reminders can help guide your interactions towards a better outcome. Learning about others and trying to have fun in the conversation can make all the difference.