What Do Dick Pics and Parenting Advice Have In Common?
By: Life Of Lux
Tags: Advice, Rant, Mothers, Pregnant, Parenting

Strutting Away From Da Haters

Assume they don’t want it unless they ask. Dem Da Rules.

Don’t get me wrong, I love me a good dic pic, but when its unsolicited its just fucking rude. Same with any form of parental advice without prompting, if I am sitting in a restaurant minding my own business and some woman who has a face like a bucket of smashed crabs with her 4 screaming inbred children comes over to me to tell me that I “Shouldn’t be drinking tap water because it will turn my unborn baby blind, because a footballer’s wife said it on her twitter one time”, you best believe I will be asking for your Medical License while simultaneously throwing that tap water in your face, reminding you that you are lucky the baby is still inside me because if I had milk in my breasts it would be THAT that was squirted on your face. Squeeze Squeeze Motherfucker.

Last week I joined a parenting group on Facebook… I should NOT have joined a parenting group on Facebook. Hilariously all these groups start with the bio “We are not here to shame anyone’s parenting”. The eye roll to that sentence alone gave me a headache for a week. If I took a shot for every time a comment started with “I’m not judging but….” This baby would come out with more problems than Charlie Sheen.

There is no such thing as a bad mother, you do what you gotta do for your kid because well…it’s YOUR kid. It came out of YOUR snatch, so you are literally the only one that knows best for it. What I do believe however, is there is such a thing as bad people, the worst ones are the hypocrites, the ones that make life difficult for others to aspire to become because their lies give the impression motherhood is easy. They say things like ‘I never give my child screen time’ after giving them the Ipad to take a shit in peace or ‘You HAVE to breastfeed, it’s the only way’ (Formula exists for a reason, butthole) they are the same mothers that say things like ‘DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD’. Yeah okay, that’s fine and all, but your one year old is trying to eat her custard with a straight razor so…… Maybe get off your high horse, twat.

Then you have the people that judge the single-mum life with zero context of how it started. I know from experience how exhausting it is being better than everyone else, so I can’t imagine having to factor in religion into the rants, but the strangers that tell me I’m going to Hell for having sex outside of marriage are amazing; which is not even slightly a threat FYI. Hell has sex, drugs and rock’n’roll. Set my throne up accordingly Satan. Bring me a cocktail while you’re at it. I’ll be down here looking up at Derek always and forever being depressed AF without any music, art, casual sex or freedom and watch him become more and more unsatisfied sexually with his 72 virgins that are terrified of his dick and don’t want to go anywhere near it, (Those poor virgins, what did they do to deserve that life?). Who is the real winner here buddy?

Then you have those bitches, ugh…. The Insecure Women. Almost my favourite of the bunch….almost. Listen… you do you, you wanna get married, engaged, be single, be poly, spend life with a woman, a man, if you wanna have a fulfilling sex life with the Eiffel Tower; you go right ahead you horny weirdo. Do whatever the fuck you want with your life, but stay over there in your life, not mine. These are the mothers that patronisingly say things like…

“Oh, I would be so sad to do it alone”.

Um yeah Georgia, I’d be sad if I was alone with you too, by the way your kid just ate cat shit out of the sandpit because you’re too busy trolling Instagram to trap your next baby daddy, because the thought of being alone is so crippling to you and you don’t understand how car insurance works. So.You.Need.Strong.Tarzan.Man. Get off my dick. Worry about your own life choices mate, you’re not doing so hot yourself. Judgmental Fuck.

The worst though are probably the Instagram mums, although they do give me life!! The women in workout gear with perfect hair and makeup!! Bitch, no one believes you worked out today. The type of women that put out videos saying;

“You should be giving your child 500 vitamins and minerals every day, a banana that he will definitely eat without a tantrum, a carrot… without the skin of course; because we all know carrot skin is the leading cause of obesity in cats and obviously make sure they lick the outside of a lemon grown from the tree you buried your placenta under, to promote healthy bowel movements in their teen years … but who has time for that, with all our busy lives of editing videos of us hiking up mountains, without breaking a sweat, with my perfect kid that definitely walked all the way up himself and I definitely didn’t have to carry after he threw a 20 minute tantrum, because the lady bug that landed on him was orange and not red!?… Let me show you in 27 easy steps how to be a wonderful parent like me”.

Thank you…Next.

I have so much more respect for mothers that say; Yeah I’m late because the baby took a shit in my bed last night and I was too tired to wash my sheets, so I just slept on the floor and it kinked my neck. Also for breakfast he had the fruit loops he found under the lounge and will throw a tantrum if you fill his water glass up more than three fingers but….fuck it, He is cute and I’m so happy I had him…wait, what was your question?…

“Oh I just asked if a breast feeding pillow was a waste of money?”

THOSE ARE THE MOTHERS. That is my tribe. Those are my bitches. These are the mothers I will happily take advice from, the ones that own it. Straight up! OWN! IT! The ones that say ‘Yeah today was heaps shit. My kid was an asshole all day because I didn’t let him drown his sister in the bathtub last night’. I will come to them for advice time and time again. We need more women like that, more parents like that. That help other struggling parents because they’re struggling themselves because….its a fucking struggle guys!

Having a tiny human completely dependant on you that won’t take no…or even yes for an answer. Especially if you don’t have a partner or worse, have a partner that is a bigger asshole than a kid that skipped nap time. Only with the kid there is a reason, a grown ass adult having a tantrum is not helping anyone. Literally, try to help anyone, anyone that needs help…BUT do it appropriately and kindly, don’t give advice that isn’t helpful or asked for, don’t patronise people and don’t pretend your something your not.

Also a reminder: The internet is a lie. Nobody lives like that all the time, don’t compare your entire life to a staged snapshot on the internet. You dumbass.

Life Of Lux will continue weekly, Dont worry and you’re welcome….