We’re Not There Yet, Ladies
By: Kim Mckinney
Tags: Work, Relationships, Women, Equality, Business

And Silence is Not Golden

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

I was at a water exercise class the other day at our local hospital.

I was there during the day, in a class with a large number of women older than me. These women are usually incredibly inspirational and wise, and I enjoy the conversations we have.

This day one of the ladies (who was someone I did not know) made an offhand derogatory comment about how impossible it is to work with women, and she would prefer to only work with men.

I agreed with her a bit. At times I have had issues working with other women. But after really looking at this critically over the years, I have often realized women hold other women to a stricter standard than we do men.

But this woman’s attitude was so negative. It made me wonder if she would even give another woman a chance if she worked with her. I finally told her I thought we all need to make more effort to model support for each other in the workplace, and maybe the dynamic would change.

She agreed, but then made a derogatory comment about the #metoo movement. Ultimately she said the women who spoke up were being weak, and they should suck it up and move on.

I paused. I looked at her in disbelief. I didn’t want to be argumentative. But I couldn’t let her comments pass.

“I’ve been in the business world for a long time, I said. “I’ve seen and experienced much behavior that is unacceptable and puts women in an uncomfortable position.”

She replied, “Of course. Off-color comments, jokes, pats on the behind - a woman learns to deal with that. It’s nothing new.”

And that’s precisely the point. It is wrong, and it is nothing new. We have tolerated a lot of bad behavior for a long time. If we speak up, our jobs or professional reputations are often at risk. We’re viewed as humorless and too sensitive — humorless and too sensitive are not promotable qualities.

I’ve got a quick tongue, eyes that roll menacingly, plenty of righteous indignation, confidence in my work and work ethic, a sense of humor, and excellent self-defense skills — and I know how and when to use them. As a result, unpleasant behaviors have not advanced too far with me at work. I’m also a fighter who asked for traditionally male assignments.

If it was just about me, maybe I could let it go with an eye roll or some strong words. But I know other women who become paralyzed. They struggle to defend themselves, let alone fight for themselves. They are uncomfortable. They shrink back. They don’t know how to diffuse the advances or unwanted conversations. It impacts their work. It keeps them from becoming leaders. It makes them quit good jobs to get away from stress. It affects their income and their future.

From my perspective, things have changed since I have been in the workforce over thirty years ago. The covert behaviors used to be much worse. The touching, the threats, the intimidation, the perpetual total male management over departments of all women, the “boys only” outings where the deals happened, the qualifications for advancement that were different for women than for men…the numbers of incidences may have reduced, but they have not gone away. We’re not where we need to be yet.

We can’t be quiet if a change is to happen for everyone, even if it may be best for our careers. I have spoken up. The reception has varied from company to company, manager to manager. What’s been interesting is that I feel as though these kinds of complaints were dealt with more seriously when I was younger. Possibly it was the difference in employers. There was often greater access to Human Resources staff in the past. They may look at me and say, “It hasn’t seemed to impact your career negatively.” Yet it has.

Not only women are impacted by discrimination. Anyone who does not fit into a specific mold is. As for sexual harassment, it can be directed anywhere.

My parents told me I could do anything. I was incredibly surprised by the obstacle course I would have to maneuver in the early days of my career to make it happen. Different career paths were encouraged for men and women. I had to fight to go my own way. It was not easy, and I was at the mercy of others.

We need to get rid of these antiquated attitudes. Diversity adds a richness to the workplace and the work that is done there. Work should not be a place where people have to fight off advances or boorish behavior, or feel they have to work harder for advancement due to factors such as gender, race, or sexual orientation.

We need to notice when we behave in discriminatory ways. We need to see when things aren’t fair and equitable, and we need to speak up.

Unlike the woman I ran into at the pool, my attitude will not be to champion men and degrade women. I want us all to succeed.

Silence is not golden. Silence is an affirmation.