I felt like I was looking in somewhat of a mirror when reading this — because I have been/am her.
By: Renee Nicole
Tags: Relationships, Trauma, Love, Memoir, Divorce

I felt like I was looking in somewhat of a mirror when reading this — because I have been/am her.

I /just/ as of 12/7 became officially divorced from my abusive spouse, to whom I had been married for 4.5 years, before fleeing on 11/30/19. In SC, USA, you have to be separated a year to divorce.

I threw myself into working on my trauma, onto healing, onto being ready. My divorce was NASTY. In September, I finally reached some sort of peace — I hadn’t heard from the almost ex in a few months, and deceived myself that it was “over,” though I was still legally married.

A friend encouraged me to just date if I wanted to. And so I did. I took my ring off, and plunged into the online dating world.

I was looking for casual dates and connections, nothing too serious (and I’m not a hook up person, no judgment to those who are).

That FIRST day, I met a man I connected with so sincerely and deeply. We texted non-stop, talked for hours, and a few weeks in, I finally drove out to meet him. It was fantastic. He ticked box after box and the chemistry and connection was beautiful.

A few weeks later, my lawyer was in touch. The contempt trial was finally on the books, and I was about to be negotiating with all I had for my freedom.

I realized then my mistake — I couldn’t give this new man what I needed to. I wasn’t ready. I was still married, and I was so conflicted.

I called him with this while he was driving to see me, and he said, selflessly, that he wasn’t coming — that I needed to figure this out for myself, without his swaying me. I went into all the what if’s and worst case scenarios of my divorce litigation, especially it’s dragging out well into 2021.

He assured me he would wait. That he respected my decision. That he was patient.

We decided to be friends until then.

After about a month of this, it clearly wasn’t working. We weren’t friends, couldn’t just be friends. We were each triggering each other’s past traumas with this motley of confused expectations.

So I said I needed space. This was in November. I was nearing the final fight and I realized I had to have space to close this chapter, I had to be alone, to feel my feelings. I told him if he was still interested, to call me in January.

It wasn’t a fun conversation, but again he respected it.

I got back to my self work.

On 12/14, I got the final papers. It was over. I called all of my friends, screaming with joy. I WAS FREE! As the day went on, I kept thinking of this man, this sweet man waiting on me.

I knew I wanted to share this with him.

So I texted him. I told him I missed him, that I wanted him in my life.

He texted back right away.

I told him I was there, but scared shitless.

He understood.

And while I’m a no-holds-barred bull dog of a person, who jumps into everything with vigor, I knew I couldn’t do that right now. And so did he.

I finally asked where we were — what all this meant for us. And he said “we take it day by day, especially with your trust issues.”

He was right. And while I’m the one with the “issue,” he’s the one leading us forward, slowly, when I probably couldn’t do what I needed to do.

We’ve texted non-stop. He will call soon, eventually we will see each other again. While part of me wants to dive back in, the rest of me knows that just slowly getting my feet wet is what I need. And he knows it to. And he’s loving me in the way I need.

I care for him so deeply. And I’m glad he is waiting, is patient, and understands. Who knows where things will go from here. But I feel optimistic, at peace, and so damn lucky.

So in the end — you may have to help her do what she needs to do. Because sometimes loneliness overrules what is best for us.