The bright shades of Death
By: Katerina Hristova
Tags: Finding Yourself, Death, Personal Growth, Mwc Death, Positivity

Death. One of the heaviest words for us humans. A word saturated with the darkest emotions — pain, grief, loneliness, impending sense of doom. A word inducing fear. A topic modern society tries to keep a taboo.

Death comes in many shapes and forms — physical, emotional, spiritual. Since ancient times people have tried to understand, prevent and conquer those in countless ways — potions and elixirs were created, rituals were performed, festivals were carefully crafted. But was this really a good thing?

Let me tell you a story.

To me 2020 was a year of Death. But not because I lost a beloved one in the pandemic.

I lost something else.

I lost myself.

Step 1: The act of Death

In 2019 I moved cities to pursue what I thought was my dream job. Shortly after, I realised that nothing was as I had hoped. The disappointment was kicking in hard. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I had a plan, with a capital P. Then my world started crumbling down — I was alone in a new town, with no friends, coming out of a long-term relationship, in a job that shattered my dreams. Day after day I sank deeper into the vortex of despair, not knowing what to do. I woke up in tears on Christmas Day feeling more miserable than ever.

I asked myself — why am I in so much pain? Because my career didn’t work out? Because a sand castle I had built in my head disappeared in thin air? Or because I couldn’t let go? Was it the disappointment that caused the grief or was it the inability to detach?

Step 2: The realisation and the beginning of Grief

I had invested many years to get to a particular point in my career. I had made many sacrifices along the way — social life, friendships, relationships, holidays. I had been all in, never remotely assuming it could be for “nothing”. So I couldn’t just accept it was not going to work out. I was heartbroken, shaken to my very core. I felt like there was a veil of darkness around me and the more I tried to lift it, the thicker it became.

I didn’t know what to do, so I buried myself in books about spirituality trying to find my purpose. I was lost. I needed something new, I had to redefine my goals and who I wanted to be. I needed to go on an identity quest and search until something fit. Or at least felt like it could fit. Scary as hell.

The attachment to who I had wanted to be was very much engraved in every cell of my being. I could not say goodbye to my old self yet, to the self that wanted to be an academic. I couldn’t let her fly away. My eyes were opening to possibilities and my mind was starting to compute that letting go was in order. But I wasn’t there yet.

Step 3: Let go

Let’s go back to the story.

In the beginning of February 2020 I went to the States. I had never visited before even though it had been my lifelong dream. I was going for a 10 day work conference, and considering the state of my relationship with work, the levels of excitement were below zero. But I thought this could be a last chance to try to save my career. Or alternatively — an even more obvious sign to bury the ambition and move on.

However, the harder I tried to find the lost love for the job and breathe life into it, the further it was slipping away. It was all gone. And with it a part of me had died.

Step 4: Welcome Death’s sister — Rebirth

I never eat breakfast, but one morning, a week or so in, I got a croissant with my coffee. I remember that day I woke up with a hunger — a hunger for life, a hunger for change, a hunger for adventure. I felt different, transformed. There was a whirlwind inside me, a spiral of darkness and light. My old self was slipping away, she was dying a slow and steady death, but by doing so she was making room for a new self. I could sense the possibilities coming my way and I welcomed this energy with thrill and fear. I wanted to meet the new me.

What was the point of holding on to the past? Was it bringing me joy? No. Was it serving me? Hell no. Then why was I so afraid of its death?

MaxPixel’s contributors, https://www.maxpixel.net/Jewellery-Shiny-Gems-Jewels-Diamonds-Crystals-5775408.

There is no Life without Death. There is no Death without Life.

When Death reveals herself to you it will hurt. Let her hurt you, let her leave a mark. But also let her go and get on with her deeds. Because when she leaves, under the pain of the wound, you will discover a freedom like you never tasted before. A space for new possibilities, for new life, for new dreams. Celebrate.

If I had clung on to what I thought would make me happy, just because I was scared to move on and face new horizons, I would have lost more than I would have gained. If I hadn’t shed this old cracked skin that didn’t serve me anymore, I wouldn’t have become the person I am today. And yes this person is different, but stronger. This person has a bag of colourful gems, collected through pain, suffering and enlightenment, through kensho and satori, as the Japanese say. Equipped with this precious bag we radiate a new dazzling light, a unique combination of all the wonderful shades of the jewels we now own. The bag is heavy, and is part of us that we can’t leave behind until the end of our journey, but it makes us even more worthy, it is a reminder of the strength we have and the bravery we carry in our souls.

So why fear Death? Just take a deep breath and remember — Life, the most beautiful thing in the universe, is a consequence of the Death of stars.