Golden Nugget from a Former Bad Girl: New Year Resolutions are Flukes
By: Nilsa Rivera Castro
Tags: Life Goals, Life Lessons, New Years Resolutions, Goals, Writers Life

Photo from Laura Marques in Unsplash

I used to steal, fight, and sell drugs. I even went to jail for conspiracy to commit bank robbery. Back then, I was so angry with myself and others that I wanted to be a hit woman. I wanted to kill people for a living. I even tried to enlist in the Army so I could kill legally. Can you imagine how stupid that was?

Then I changed.

For the last twenty years, I’ve been working a productive career, enjoying my family, and making positive changes in my life. My peaceful life with my husband and sons includes writing, working, drinking chai latte, playing with my grandchildren, and watching Netflix. Life is awesome.

People who know my story often ask me how did I change from an angry delinquent to a professional woman who promotes love, kindness, and peace. Some people search for an insightful piece of wisdom or inspiration in my story. A spiritual revelation or something that can be sold in a cute little bottle for others to change their life too.

Well, sorry to disappoint, there isn’t any.

Truth is I changed when I started believing that I had no choice but to change. When I realized that if I didn’t change, I would end up in prison, dead, or worse lose my son. Three outcomes that scared the living shit out of me. I was backed into a corner with only those three options. That was the catapult of my transformation.

There isn’t any magic trick that will make people accomplish their goals. It is simply the desire to change regardless of what gets in the way that truly empowers us to change. That’s it.

When the fear of doing what we’re doing now becomes bigger than the fear of the new behavior, that’s when we change. I know this may be different for some people. I know everyone’s circumstances are different, and so are our excuses.

I’ve seen it, first in me, and then in others. People will only change their behaviors when they are sick of it. I was sick of fighting, sick of living in raunchy motels. I was sick of running from the police and sick of not making enough money. So I changed. I’ve worked as a career counselor for 18 years. I worked in a homeless shelter for six years. Every job I’ve taken in the last twenty years has been in one way or another helping people make positive changes in their lives. When it comes to leaving an abusive relationship, not using drugs, or anything else, people have the potential to change only when the new behavior outweighs the negative behavior. I don’t mean to be pessimistic or harsh about this but that’s it.

As we start 2019 and are inundated with tips to maintain our resolutions and advice to become better people, employees, entrepreneurs, or writers, a good question to ask is, Am I really done with this [insert whatever behavior you want to change here]? The word shit fits in the brackets too.

I’m a bit over the top, so I always ask myself, “If someone was to put a gun on my head, would I fight for this? Would I even think about this [insert whatever behavior you think is important here, if you can put yourself in that mental space]?” I sure wouldn’t be thinking about looking thin and pretty at that point, or getting that nice house, or that extra paycheck. Nope, I probably would be thinking about my husband and my kids. And yes, that book I didn’t finish. I would. I know because a gun has been drawn at me twice. And each time, my thoughts included my son, how I would never know what a peaceful life would feel like, and how I never got to tell anyone what happened to me.

So what really mattered to me is what I decided to focus on.

The second piece of this goal setting puzzle is once we realize what we want above all, the nagger comes in to stop us. Regardless how much we try to shut it down, there it is. That nagger has been called fear, shadow, or whatever we want to call it. I call it reminders or naggers. Reminders that I am human, alive, and that life is exciting, yet dangerous.

It’s true we must strengthen our risk muscles. I am not suggesting you rob a bank though. If you really want something, just go for it, but you must be willing to take the long road. No matter how long it takes. If you want something bad enough, you’ll die for it, and you won’t stop until you get it. That positive stubbornness has proven priceless. Of course, it also was what landed me in jail.

Now I just choose to direct that power within me to bring positive changes to what matters the most. I’ve accomplished everything I’ve set my mind to though. There’s nothing special about me. I have naggers and have never ignored them. I just moved past them. I move forward in spite of what the naggers tell me. Of course, I’ve failed. I know that it seems like I wanted to be rich–which I’m not– when I robbed that bank and obviously I got arrested for it. What I really wanted was a home. I wanted enough money to rent a house so I could sleep on my own bed. A place where I could sleep without gunshots flying through my window, drug addicts knocking my door to buy drugs, or bed bugs messing with me. To do that, I thought robbing a bank was the fastest way. Turns out I had to work for eight years to buy my own home. Turns out the fastest way is not always the best, huh?

Again anyone can do this. It’s really up to you.