Why Men Are The Superior Sex And Don’t Need Satnav
By: Robert Turner
Tags: Humor, Sexuality, Sexism, Humour, Men

Why Men Are The Superior Sex And Don’t Need Satnav

A LighterSide look at the sexes and why Real men rock.

“Dad, we’re lost. Stop and ask for directions.”

Clearly, a child speaking. The wife sits silently beside me, resigned to her fate. She knows better than to question my sense of direction. I have already explained to her at great length how my brain is wired to be way better than any SatNav device.

I’ve told her that carrier pigeons, couriers and Boy Scouts will frequently stop me in the street to ask for directions. I've told her that just the other day my son asked me why the Google Maps car was following me around. It’s because even Google knows I know where I’m going. Clearly, not all my children are as yet aware of the full depth of their father’s skills.

“Turn on the SatNav,” another ingrat yells from the back.

“The SatNav’s already on”, I reply, tapping my head by way of explanation. I give my wife an annoyed look. She knows that look. It’s the ‘Why did you agree to have more than one of them’ look.

She smiles and mutters something under her breath about my software needing a possible update. Before child number three gets a chance to jump on the daddy-doubting bandwagon, I let out a victorious yell and point at the building ahead. Once again, against all odds, man prevails. More to the point in this instance, dad prevails.

‘Oh ye of little faith.’

You see, Real men don’t care for Satnavs or Google maps. Real men can find their way like their forefathers. Landmarks, the position of the sun, air currents, road signs, and fast food outlets are all we need. Don’t insult us by suggesting we should stop and ask for directions. Real men are never lost, we’re simply exploring.

As a handy tip, if all else fails and you really are unable to track down an elusive address, you’ll need to resort to the ultimate humiliation. Always select a man for this. They will treat you with dignity and respect and not smirk at your failure. They understand, and anyway, if you could locate a woman wandering the streets, odds are she’s probably lost as well.

Men don’t hoard, we are simply prepared. For anything!

Another common mistake made by women is to assume men hoard. This is sexist and hurtful. Real men do not hoard. We are simply collecting and storing in preparation. For anything. We all have a drawer or cupboard we proudly assign for this task. If you’re going to take in a Real man, you need to make provision for said space.

We use this space to keep random objects that have no current purpose or known usefulness. Items that are broken are placed into this space for repair at a later date. These can include remote controls, cellphones, kettles, power leads and other objects we lack the skills to repair.

Instruction leaflets for every device you’ve ever purchased, Warranty cards, mangled candles, cell phone chargers from the early nineties, dead batteries and dried up tubes of superglue fill the rest of the space. You keep the dead batteries in the same box you use to store the good ones, leading to a constant need for buying more batteries.

No matter the emergency, we are prepared. We have our go to place in moments of real need. Real men have their man drawer. We are special. My wife recognises this in me and frequently tells me so.

Real men are never wrong. This has only recently become an issue with women and children having almost unlimited access to the internet. If you share my concern for this flagrant abuse of the World Wide Web, you can join the support group I have founded and linked to in the footer, Real Men for the Denial of Digital Access.

Until recently, men were the ‘go too’ place for information. Wives, children, quite literally everyone would approach us to drink from our infinitely deep fountain of wisdom. We always had an answer and it was always correct. No matter how complicated the topic.

Childhood questions like why is the sky blue were simple to answer. Everyone knew it was so that we could tell where up was and where down was. The same color as the earth and you’d get confused. The stork brought babies, period. What time is it? Easy. Check the watch. No more.

The internet and Wikipedia and Google have forever ruined us, questioned our knowledge and destroyed this fragile and precious bond of wisdom we shared with our wives and children.

“Dad, Google says that isn’t true.”

Stab me in the heart, cut me open and rip out my organs. That would be less painful than hearing these words. Supportive wives often speak up at this point, trying to correct this falsehood. Mine helps with the following words.

“Daddy is always right. You should know that by now. Even Google maps follows him around.”