My Boundaries + My Limits = My Business
By: Dario Bucceri
Tags: Lifehacks, Life Hacking, Goal Setting, Life, Life Lessons

Photo by David Rotimi on Unsplash

Standing around a BBQ at a farewell party shortly before we moved to the UK, talking about the adventure upon which we were about to embark, I was struck again at how varied the reactions of our friends were. This was a fairly momentous decision, one over which we had agonised for months. In the days following our announcement that we were planning to move, it seemed that everyone had a view on the matter and had no compunction sharing it, even if what they had to say was negative and filled with doom laden predictions of how difficult this was going to be and how significant a risk we were taking, especially with two young children in tow. One of the chaps (we’ll refer to him as Mike for the purposes of this story) standing with the group piped up with a comment that revealed how he had had a dream in which we returned to SA with our ‘tail-between-our-legs’ having failed to make a success of the venture. He was pretty clear about his belief that this would be proven to be true and that I would be revealed as a fool.

On the whole, people were pretty positive. Needless to say, I was shaken by these and other negative comments made both before we left home and after we arrived in this country, some of which were grounded in ignorance, others in genuine concern and yet others in plain malice. Of course I was aware of the risks. I was aware that we were facing a future filled with challenges and decisions that we couldn’t begin to imagine. However, we had an opportunity to experience a different life, in another country, and were committed to following the decision through. I would lead my family into this change, even if I did it scared.

Anyone looking at me on that and other occasions might have seen an upbeat, confident individual with a fairly positive mental attitude, always ready with a quick come-back. This occasion was no different. Once the conversation had died down and we were all standing contemplating the feast being cooked to perfection on the open fire, a thought occurred to me. “Mike”, I said, “I’ve just had a mental image that involves you driving up a dual carriageway to somewhere in England, on your way to my home to apologise for, and retract, what you have just said”. He muttered something along the lines of “we’ll see about that”. The subject was left alone and I was left feeling uneasy. What if he was correct?

I may be alone in this, but I’d rather be liked than disliked, respected than disrespected, viewed positively than negatively. I’d prefer it if many people were able to say that their life experience was somehow improved because of something I had done or said rather than the opposite.

I suggest that this isn’t necessarily a bad idea but that it can be dangerous in the sense that it is possible to play the life-game in such a way as to keep the peace, allowing my perception of the expectation of others to define my actions and therefor my life. Their fears and limitations become mine, their boundaries, superimposed on my map, can cramp my experience and diminish my development as an individual.

I risk losing my identity, becoming some kind of crazy hybrid that comprises a mixture of my ideas and dreams and the fears and dreams of others, all shoe-horned into a contrived mould that has been adapted and adopted to create the person we think other people believe we must be. Its crazy. We forget that these influencers are living a completely different life, dealing with their own ambitions, fears and inadequacies and, if we had to dig a little deeper may be projecting those internal limitations onto others in order to manage their own corrosive thinking.

Now that’s a questionable platform on which to build my life!!

The truth of the matter is that it is impossible for this idyllic viewpoint to be a consistent reality: Inevitably, the day will come when I must make a decision or take an action with which others whose opinion I value will disagree. At this point, I must be sure to position my Self correctly as I listen to what is being said, adding new insights (both positive and negative) to the information I have already accumulated. I then use what I have gleaned from others to inform my decision without allowing it to define my boundaries unless I choose to make it so.

I suggest that when we are planning to follow a course of action and require the insight of others, that we seek out people who love us enough to tell us when they disagree without the requirement that we blindly follow their advice or face rejection. I further suggest that we follow the advice of Keith Cunningham who recommends that we give careful consideration to our blind spots, those assumptions we are making about what we cannot see. Having done so, we think through the Up- and Downsides of the idea, trying as we do so to resolve the factors identified as being on the downside. Having done so, we determine whether we can live with those downside ideas that cannot be resolved. If we can, we move, if we can’t, we don’t.

The question then becomes, “How do I guard against selfishness and silo-ism, that place of arrogant self belief that allows me to think that I can do whatever I please, should I choose to do so?”

This is the point in the plan where we guard against selfishness and silo-ism by balancing our ambitions against our values, those fundamental beliefs by which we navigate our lives. For me this means that I seek in every way possible to leave a legacy of good in the lives of others, and do all I can to add to the positive value of their life experience.

As it happened, we moved countries, experiencing the highs and lows of starting a completely new life in a whole new world. Some 18 months after we had arrived and settled in the Midlands I received a call. It was Mike. He was in London and wondered if we were available for a visit at the weekend?

The weekend arrived and so did Mike (who by the way had driven up the motorway from London to the Midlands to get to our home). It was good to see him. Having said the usual hello’s with the accompanying hugs all round, he turned to me saying, “I’ve come to apologise and to retract what I said that night at the BBQ….”

As I sit in my study on a rainy, autumnal day (exactly the kind of weather I prefer) living in a country I have grown to love, I am struck by the thought of how much I and my family would have missed out on had we allowed ourselves to be defined by others in those days before we left SA. Over the years, I have faced many challenges and decisions that have presented me with this choice again and again. Do I allow my course of action to be defined by others, or do I stay true to my own values and definition-of-self even it it means taking a stance that has the potential to cost me dearly?

Experience has taught me that the most productive course of action is to consistently, courageously and politely resist pressure from others to conform to their perception of my reality as I constantly redefine myself based on my own new learning and experiences.

The person that I am, deep in my core, is the person I choose to be. Life can launch curved balls and challenges that never seem to stop, but this I know for sure: The reaction of the deep inner me is up to me and me only to decide.

So there you have it: Love, Life and the Definition Of Me is my business. That said, I also recognise that these foundations are not a feeling or a whim, they’re an act of my will.