Science Discovers ED is a Side Effect of Long-Term COVID
By: Marilyn Flower
Tags: Covid-19, Satire, Humor, Sex, Men

Hot Scoop from POOP — Procrastinators Organic Original Publications exclusive:

Who knew it would come to this?

Yet within seconds of the Center for Disease Control (CDC) announcement that ED — erectile dysfunction — was a common symptom associated with LTC — long-term COVID, suddenly boys and men are masking up.

There’s an old saying that goes, it takes what it takes.

Common sense would dick-tate that the threat of dying just might be conducive to PPE, such as mask-wearing. But no. Our MAGA men are too macho for that. Only sissies wear masks. Only sissies believe the virus is real and/or it could kill them.

But real men don’t wear masks. Or condoms, per Roz Warren. Or eat quiche according to an urban legend from the 1980s.

Until now, until now, when it’s coming out that it not only could kill you. It could interfere with your sexual pleasure. So the long and short of it seems to be that sex is more important than life.

And we thought this was a gay men’s barebacking issue from the heights of the AIDS epidemic.

Have we learned anything since then?

Maybe just that men will be men. That many — not all, and certainly not any here on Medium — think with the smaller of their two heads.

There’s a saying that goes, two heads are better than one. But that’s assuming they both have brains in them. Maybe that’s assuming too much.

In any case, hope looms on the horizon! The Coronavirus’s days are finally numbered.

Men are flocking to stores in droves and lining up sex whoops six feet apart to buy N-95’s, face shields, Clorox wipes, and other disinfecting supplies. Wives and girlfriends all over America are smiling. Never has their significant other been so conscientious about cleaning! Hallelujah!

This is a big day for America! This is a big day for health care! This is a big day for women! This is a big day for household equality. And this is a big day for penises! Even small ones!

Of course, that does not apply to any of the men here on Medium. It takes a big man to write on this platform, after all.

POOP’s reporters have been out on the streets, masked and safe-distancing, of course, to get reactions from men now wearing the mask.

Let’s take a listen:

Peter Pretentious: Dying is one thing, but going without sex would kill me!

Boisterous George: When I first tried these things, I couldn’t breathe through it. When I heard the CDC report, my nostrils flared. Now I can breathe just fine!

Dick Smallwood: I don’t see what all the fuss is about. My gal laid it on the line. No mask, no nooky. Said she got the idea from an article she read on a funny pub called MuddyUm. What the hell kinda name is that? Anyway, I’m a happy camper, as you can see…

Brendon Bragadocious: To mask or not to mask — that was the question. President Trump said not to worry about it. So I didn’t. Then I started having problems getting it up. When I saw the CDC report, I decided to try wearing a mask. I was skeptical. But then, bingo! Stiff, perky, and ready to play — every night! Haven’t seen that much action since I was a teen. All this without Viagra, mind you. So, heck yes, I’m a believer. You don’t believe me? Here..give me your hand…

Thank you, Brendon. We eh, will take your word for it. The street is not the place for show and tell. Stick to verbiage.

So there you have it, folks.

The CDC now has the ammo it needs to fight the MAGA-maniacs. Along with the vaccine. And not a moment too soon. Officials were worried that the anti-maskers would turn into anti-vaxxers. If that happens, we’re all dead ducks. Fuckless dead ducks, we might add.

So, American, mask up! And chin up! There’s a light at the end of the tunnel of love!!!