3 Key Traits of Emotionally Mature Adults
By: Nick Wignall
Tags: Life Lessons, Mental Health, Psychology, Self Improvement, Relationships

2. Emotionally Mature Adults Are Experimental in Their Behavior

Emotionally mature adults tend to be humble, especially when it comes to their own psychology: how they typically feel, think, and behave.

In other words, when things aren’t going well, they know they don’t have all the answers. They’re not afraid to swallow their pride, admit what they don’t know, and try to improve, either by asking others for help or trying new things themselves.

On the other hand, emotionally immature adults tend to have a core feeling of insecurity and inadequacy, which means their sense of self feels too fragile to expose to possible failures and mistakes. As a result, they hang onto whatever strategies, habits, and defaults they have, unwilling to update them.

Here’s an example:

Imagine two 50-year-old men, Adam and Zach. Both are fathers to teenage sons who are “out of control” and chronically engaging in “risky behavior” — drugs, casual sex, dangerous activities like dirt bike racing while intoxicated, etc. Both Adam and Zach have tried everything they can think of to get their sons “back on track” — grounding, taking away cell phones, switching schools — but nothing seems to be working. Both Adam and Zach are called into meetings with their respective son’s high school guidance counselors, both of whom suggest the same thing: “Part of your son’s issues may be related to your relationship with your son. As a result, we recommend considering working with a therapist yourself to better understand the nature of your relationship with your son and how you might improve it.” Adam storms out of the office, furious about the “hippie nonsense” he’s just heard and doubles-down on his strategies. He destroys his son’s phone in front of him, ships him off to military school, and — though he’s not totally aware of it — starts drinking a little more than usual. Zach has a similarly angry reaction to the guidance counselor’s recommendation at first. But after sleeping on it, he realizes that there may be some truth to the idea, even though it makes him feel a little anxious and maybe ashamed. He buys a few books on parenting teenagers. And while they’re a little “touchy-feely” for his taste, he realizes there may very well be some things he could work on to improve his relationship with his son. Adam’s refusal to consider — much less try — something new indicates significant emotional immaturity. He’s got his ideas and theories and he’s sticking to them, regardless of new information and developments. Zach’s willingness to at least experiment with a new way of looking at things by reading some books shows at least modest levels of emotional maturity. He’s got his ideas, but he’s humble enough to realize that they might not be a perfect theory for what’s going on. And as a result, he experiments with a new theory to see if it works better.

In some ways, this is similar to the first trait: thinking flexibly. Zach has indeed started by thinking more flexibly about the situation with his son. But he’s taken things a step further by designing an experiment and testing out a new theory — he’s been flexible in his behavior, not just his thinking.

It’s said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again even though it doesn’t work. The constructive corollary to that is: the definition of sanity is trying new things when old things aren’t working.

To become more experimental in your behavior, learn to design and test “behavioral experiments”

If something isn’t going well in your life, it’s natural to think about why that is and what to do about it. The problem is, that’s where most of us start and end. We think our way into a solution and blindly apply it without testing it to see if our solution actually lines up with reality.

This is like an entrepreneur spending their life savings on a business idea that has no market research or validation behind it. Or a scientist who develops a “cure” for a disease without putting it through rigorous testing and clinical trials.

No matter how good you think your theory is, reality is the ultimate arbiter of effectiveness.

This means you must test your ideas in the real world before accepting them and implementing them.

By designing and testing a new set of behaviors — that is, by running an experiment — you’re opening yourself up not only to new ideas, but also to new data and evidence. And that’s where better theories and improved results come from.

Remember: Theories without evidence are dangerous. Learn to be a good scientist in the experiment of your life.