Estrangement From Myself
By: Stella Luna, They She
Tags: Transgender, Identity, Mental Health, LGBTQ, Self

Estrangement From Myself

It’s not being “born in the wrong body.” It’s so much more than that.

Photo by The Creative Exchange on Unsplash

I’ve been trying to place these feelings for a while now. I’ve never identified with the classic and easily digestible “wrong body” narrative myself, but I didn’t understand how I could possibly be trans if that wasn’t what was happening to me. If this is your narrative, that’s completely valid, too, but I don’t believe it expresses the essence of transness for everyone. As I was scribbling who knows what in my journal, the perfect word popped up in my head: estrangement. For me, and what might be the case for others, is the feeling of estrangement from existence.

With the advice of my friends and therapist, instead of tackling all my problems at once, I started breaking down everything into feasible chunks. I’d deal with my career separately from when I would deal with my social life, and so on and so on.

I started going to parties more, doing my absolute best as a socially anxious introvert (so quirky and different, I know) to talk to more people, even at the risk of being rejected for my identity. I started looking into careers and thinking about a future I never thought I had. Everything seemed like it should’ve been clicking into place, but no matter how bright my future shone for other people, I couldn’t even see a glimmer of that light. Even now, I can’t really imagine my future. It’s like I’m building a bridge into nothingness.

Tackling all my problems separately was a good idea, but something still wasn’t right.

I knew all my problems were connected, but I wasn’t sure exactly how. No matter what plan of action I took, it was like I was playing the Sims. I saw a paper with a resume and was challenged to make a life for them. Why would I work on all this stuff if it wasn’t even for me? What’s the point of going to parties if I don’t feel like I’m actually there? Why should I get a career when I don’t want anything? What is at the root of all this apathy and depression?

The answer is estrangement. I feel like I have a remote control behind a pane of glass, and I’m controlling who I see in the mirror to live life. I try and try to break through the glass, but nothing works. I’ve been even atoms away from shattering it and jumping into the real world, but I’ve never succeeded. I always end up in the same place, disconnected from everything.

It never made sense to me the way people could just look in the mirror and see themselves. Their bodies, despite their perceived imperfections, were theirs. People have dreams for themselves because they have their own best interests in mind. I can’t even think a day ahead in my life because it doesn’t feel like it’s mine.

They say, if you have nothing else, at least you have your life and your health. I would say the same, but the disconnect between my brain and my life is so strong that I even feel like an outsider to my own self.

When I brush my teeth before bed, I see me, but not me. A thief stole my reflection from me. When I speak, I’m able to produce a voice, but it’s like it’s coming from a far corner of the room. Someone keeps taking my words before I’m able to say them. This burglar has taken everything from me. I keep trying to revendicate what’s rightfully mine, but to no avail. This metaphorical thief has created an insurmountable estrangement in my life.

“Estrangement is like a horde of locusts. It eats away at your will, your desire, and eventually the very essence of you.”

Everyone else I know has gotten out and done what they need to do for themselves, whether that’s going to school for something, working, getting into a relationship, or whatever. I haven’t gotten the chance.

There’s a difference between estrangement and fear, both of which stop me in my tracks. It would be different if I were just scared to do something, because I’ve had moments of courage that let me pull through. Estrangement is like a horde of locusts. It eats away at your will, your desire, and eventually the very essence of you. When you’re afraid, you can at least try to get something done. You might be afraid to study abroad, for example, but it’s based on a desire that makes you even want to try. When you’re completely estranged from yourself, it’s a different story.

While this has gone on a tangent similar to depression symptoms, I feel that this is a special kind of estrangement. Trans people need to compartmentalize themselves. We put the most true and intimate parts of ourselves into a box in the back of our mind that we’ve been told never to open. The fact that it’s even there is something to be ashamed of. Over time, the temptation gets too strong, and we look to see what kinds of things are stored inside. Some people let it all out. Others never even find the box, wondering what’s wrong with them. For me, I feel that my box has an infinite number of compartments. When I feel like I’ve reached the bottom, there’s an IOU.

“Sorry, you don’t really know even the basics about yourself. If you work hard for it, though, I’ll let you have it!”

I keep frantically tearing through boxes, and now I’m just tired of it. I’m tired of feeling separate from what other people consider is a given. I’m tired of having a labyrinth for what for others is a hallway. The estrangement I feel is more than “being born in the wrong body.” I don’t hate my body. I think it’s alright, but it just doesn’t feel like mine. That’s the issue. I feel like an alien on my home planet, and I’m always trying to make a home out of a place that will never be a home.

I try to go to work and it’s like everyone is whispering a secret around me that they don’t want me to hear. The only thing is, that secret is just… life. They have families, they feel in the moment, and I’ll never have that. My body moves on its own and I hang onto my shoulders like a ghost, trying to make sense of everything. I don’t know if I’ll ever break the glass and really feel everything. For now, I guess I just need to get by facing the shadows on the cave wall.