God for the Gay Former Atheist
Tags: Divorce, Spirituality, Marriage

I’m at the tail end of a tumultuous marriage, though I find myself struggling to pull the trigger on ending it. My mind is chaotic, filled with reasons to stay and go, depending on what he has said recently, how our day has gone, if he drank, if he finally did the thing I asked of him, if he spent all day on the couch watching tv, if he made a nice dinner… I’ve found it hard to cut through the noise and move forward confidently.

To dig deeper, below the surface noise, I have been trying to meditate more. And talk to God. Which, for people who know me, would be a strange thing to hear me say. The God part, not the meditating.

I was raised Catholic, but swore that off in high school. Too much dogma, too much intolerance, especially for a gay kid. I didn’t believe in God for the longest time, but spirituality was still something I was curious about and actively sought more information on. That started when, in high school, I had to read Siddhartha for a class. That turned into a transformative book for me, one that I go back to periodically, especially when I’m feeling lost or the need to recenter. I realized this morning that I need to read it again.

In this search for answers on spirituality, I’ve read everything from the Celestine Prophecy to books on Mother Theresa. And at some point early on I realized that most religions are based on the same fundamentals — be good to others, strive to be a good person, don’t be a selfish asshole, let others live their lives. I also came to realize that God is everywhere. Initially that was internalized as nature is God, essentially that the energy around us and in the universe, that is the thing that ties us all together and that we are all the same — energy that is connected and will always be, simply taking different forms along the way. That is what has rung most true for me. It helps me to be humble (Well, humbler. I still struggle with this).

In this concept, God is everywhere and we are connected to everything, including God. When I meditate and really focus on this, I can feel myself open up. Self dissipates. I am just energy that is part of it all.

In this, somewhere along the line I couldn’t help but start believing in God again. Or at least this connected energy that I can comfortably call God. And when I seek clarity, I will talk to God. Ask to borrow from that endless strength and knowledge and wisdom that is the connected energy of the universe. When I can quiet my mind, I do feel as though I get answers. I don’t know that I can say that it is God answering or simply my own mind because I have given it the space to provide clarity, to provide my own deep truths to my conscious mind, but it works for me.

For instance, this morning, again wrestling on when to file for divorce or if I was overreacting, I sat and meditated. I asked God for guidance. I made my mind still. And what I heard was that this year I will stand on my own two feet. This year I will find God in the mountains. This year I will hike. Those 3 things provide a lot of answers. One, that I need to move forward with divorce and stand on my own. Two, that I need to recenter. Nature has always been a way for me to do that, and the ocean or water has been my go-to, but perhaps it’s time for a literal change in perspective and the mountains will provide that. And, three, this isn’t a “go live in the mountains” thing, it’s a “use your own two legs, put some work in, and get out there” thing.