The Most Diverse, Power Packed, Kickass Cabinet Ever Assembled
By: Bashar Salame
Tags: Satire, Humor, Politics, Heroes, Comedy

When a situation is grim, with odds overwhelmingly staked against you, all while the country and quite possibly the world doubt you can right the ship; you need to call in the big guns.

So far, many of Joe Biden’s cabinet pics have been met with what can best be described as a tepid response. Twitter is absolutely up in arms about nominations for Secretary of State, names circulating for Attorney General, and many other possible selections.

Looking to shift this lack of excitement and motivate both the public, as well as other politicians in Washington, Biden looks to employ a new strategy.

Why not Superheroes?

If the President is America’s Captain, then Joe Biden needs some Avengers to fill his cabinet.

Attorney General, Secretary of State, and More

While Tom Perez and Doug Jones technically qualify to become Attorney General, so do Matt Murdoch and Jennifer Walters, better known as Daredevil and She-Hulk. Among other attributes and qualifications, Murdoch and Walters both have legal backgrounds, and are in fact attorneys.

You may be thinking, where’s the diversity? These candidates are white! And yes, you would mostly be right, however they would both qualify as diversity hires. Jennifer Walters is technically a woman of color. Sometimes white, other times green, always a progressive alley in the fight for equality. Walters proudly displays a gender pronoun as the prefix to her superhero name (She/Her Hulk). Murdoch on the other hand is a member of a protected class, and can not be discriminated against.

Arguably the most important cabinet position, Biden’s nominee for Secretary of State, Anthony Blinkin is an experienced diplomat who has the full trust of the President elect. While Blinkin seems like a perfectly fine hire; when dealing with other foreign diplomats, and hammering out difficult agreements, it wouldn’t hurt to have a white guy who can change color on occasion. Robert Bruce Banner would certainly fit the bill.

A Doctor well versed in science, Bruce Banner brings a high degree of understanding when dealing with a global health pandemic. For those occasions requiring less words and more muscle when dealing with difficult, uncompromising, foreign adversaries, well, Hulk Smash. The personification of “the hammer and the dance.”

Simply speaking, unprecedented times call for unprecedented measures. Certain criteria may need to be circumvented, or thrown out altogether.

Although her age may be an issue, who better than a young person to take on the pressing environmental issues disproportionately facing her generation. Ms. Marvel Kamala Khan, is an ideal candidate to head The Environmental Protection Agency. Along with her powers, Khan is a team player, having worked previously with Wolverine, possibly the most impetuous, ill tempered hero of them all.

You can basically find an Avenger to fill every cabinet position. Who better to protect “the little guy” when it comes to Labor Secretary than AntMan, The Wasp to head Agriculture, Tony Stark leading Energy, or Carol Danvers at Veterans Affairs.

All told, in the words of their future boss; this would be a cabinet that will choose hope over fear, unity over division, truth over lies, and science over fiction.

The bottom line

No matter who Biden decides to nominate there will be vocal critics, keyboard activists casting doubt, or outright objections across the board.

They’ll say things like Khan is too young, Stark a megalomaniac, or Banner short tempered. And they’d be right. Naysayers will nay, it’s just their nature.

What Biden and those tasked with filling cabinet positions need to consider above all else is this; how well will this team work together in accomplishing the administration’s goal?

The goal is a relatively straightforward one, but one requiring superhuman focus and resolve. End a global pandemic, ignite a stalled economy, and restore balance, pretty much everywhere. From a threatened environment, to exploited workers, less focused on Wall Street and K-Street, with more compassion for Main Street.

Accomplishing any of this would truly be heroic.