Finding meaning in your suffering
By: Raphael Collazo
Tags: Pain, Meaning, Suffering, Death, Millennials

We all feel pain at some point in our life. Pain can be either physical, mental, or spiritual and can have a substantial impact on our overall happiness and sense of wellbeing. One of the most difficult and painful events in a person’s life is experiencing the death of a loved one. The loss of someone close to you can leave you feeling empty, sad, and unsure about the future. I experienced these exact feelings when my grandfather passed away in 2013. I spent most of my formative years in Europe and my Italian grandfather was one of my biggest role models. He was a no-nonsense, old school Italian man who believed in discipline and the importance of hard work.

I would visit him every summer for two to three months at a time and they were some of the best times of my childhood. I idolized the man, and he loved my brother and me more than anything in the world. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer in late 2012 and died shortly before I graduated from college (May 2013). When my mother told me the news, I was in denial about it. I couldn’t believe that such a powerful figure in my life could be snuffed out in an instant. However, after a few hours of letting the news sink in, I broke down into tears.

He didn’t get to see me graduate, and that hurt more than anything. My grandfather always wanted me to get an education and have a better life than he had. He would’ve been so proud to see me walk across that stage. However, cancer had other plans and now I had to continue my life without him. For weeks after his death, I was in a state of grief and felt unmotivated to do anything. The one thing that helped me accept his death and move on with my life was finding meaning in my suffering.

In a study conducted by a team of researchers from the Department of Psychology at the University of Connecticut, the researchers analyzed 172 cancer patients to see if the way they perceived their circumstances affected their overall physiological wellbeing. The results of the study showed that participants who framed prior negative experiences as growth opportunities and found meaning in their suffering experienced a much more positive physiological adjustment.43 Likewise, a recent scientific study found that individuals who went through the death of a family member and made sense of their loss experienced less distress than study participants who didn’t find meaning.44

In Viktor Frankl’s best-selling book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor shares his experiences during World War II as a Jewish prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp. The conditions Viktor found himself in were unimaginable. People all around him were being starved, overworked, and eventually gassed to death. How could anyone in that situation find meaning in all that suffering? One of the key observations he made during his time in the camp was that although we experience difficult times in life, we ultimately have the choice of how we respond to the stimuli. Two people can go through the same experience and, depending on how they perceive their situation, can have drastically different outcomes.45 A tamer example of this response can be seen in supermarkets all across America.

Have you ever made a weekend trip to a Costco and seen the long lines that form? Have you observed how people react in these lines? Sometimes I look over and see a person’s expression of anger and/or frustration as they complain about having to wait an extra five minutes line. In the same store, I also see individuals who operate at the other end of the spectrum. Instead of getting upset about a situation they can’t control, these individuals choose to be happy in the moment and use the extra time to enjoy the company of their family and/or friends. These individuals each experienced the same situation but had two completely different reactions.

If we apply the same logic to my prior experience, I could have taken the death of my grandfather as an excuse to be sad and grief-stricken and lose motivation for my goals. No one would have blamed me for it. In fact, many people would have wholeheartedly supported my decision. However, I could also choose to find meaning in his passing and use it as motivation to become the best person I could be. Although this road would be harder to go down initially, it would have the biggest pay off in the end.

Once I realized I had the power to choose my response, I was able to use his death as a motivator to become a person I know he would be proud of. I’m not saying people should skip the grieving process entirely. Grieving is a natural part of the process of losing someone you love. What I’m saying is that as part of your grieving process, choose to find meaning in your suffering. You have the ultimate choice of how you respond to every event in your life.

Suffering is an inescapable part of life. In order to truly be happy in any situation, you must make a choice. Next time you find yourself in a situation that would normally elicit a negative response, objectively look at the situation and ask yourself, “Do I have any control over what is currently happening?” If the answer is “no,” then choose a more positive response instead. By opting for this approach, you’ll slowly begin developing a happier disposition.

P.S

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