Self-Care Depends On Your Life Season
By: Wendy Miller
Tags: Self Care, Self, Self-awareness, Self Love, Self Improvement

I recently spoke with someone who told me, “Another mom said for her, self-care is washing her hair. How pathetic is that, that she prioritizes herself so low that washing her hair — basic hygiene — is considered self-care?”

We’re going to ignore the judgmental tone for a moment because even though the judgment is an issue, there’s a bigger issue here, I think. And the bigger issue is that we don’t seem to grasp what self-care is or should be.

I’m pretty sure I’ve defined it before, but let’s do it again for those who are new or might have forgotten. The literal definition of self-care is: care for oneself. Seriously, that’s it. It’s that simple and that complex all at once.

By that definition, absolutely everything you do is self-care because it cares for you in one way or another. It provides money to support you (making a job self-care), food to eat (making grocery shopping and cooking both self-care), allows you to move about safely (making cleaning, mowing your yard, or putting a shower mat down all self-care).

But when we think of self-care, those aren’t the things we usually think of. We think of things like massages, meditation, manicures, spa days, weekend getaways, and other luxuries. And those things are also self-care.

So if so much can be self-care, why the argument over what constitutes self-care and whether someone’s version of it is “pathetic?”

Because we base our idea of self-care on the season of life we’re in. And different seasons offer different levels of self-care.

Photo by Samuel Ferrara on Unsplash

Levels of self-care

I think there are different levels of self-care, ranging from basic to expert — but instead of being based on experience and knowledge, it’s based on time and ability. So what might this look like?

The first thing to understand is that the level of self-care can change in any season of life. So if you think of this as a mountain, this isn’t about getting from the bottom (basic) to the summit (expert) in a straight line and staying there. It’s more like a drive up a mountain, where the road is going to take twists and turns around outcroppings of rocks and the road ahead might be blocked from a rockslide so you have to go back to a lower level before you can advance again.

Basic self-care is the literal basics. The required care to keep a human being alive. Personal hygiene, eating, hydrating, having shelter, food, a place to get quality sleep, cleaning, etc. Think of these as the stuff that if you told someone you didn’t do/have it, they’d look at you like you were crazy.

More advanced self-care is the slightly more indulgent stuff. But it might still be a bit limited because you’re strapped for time, cash, or childcare. So this might look like bubble baths, at-home manicures and pedicures, reading a book or watching Netflix, or inviting a friend over to drink wine and chat.

Expert self-care is the truly luxurious stuff. This is the no-holds-barred self-care that doesn’t worry about time, money, or childcare because you don’t need to. This is when you’re able to schedule a massage, have a spa day, or even take a full weekend or more to get away. It might be something you do for yourself or, if you’re lucky, someone who cares about you plans for you.

Depending on your own way of looking at it, there might be other levels in there, and what’s included on one level here might belong to another for you. But this is the basic idea.

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What do you take pleasure in?

I have a friend who derives great pleasure from deep cleaning her home. I’m talking scrubbing toilets and baseboards with a toothbrush, dusting the corners hidden behind shelves of books, and moving boxes in the closets to vacuum under them kind of deep cleaning. It gives her an enormous sense of satisfaction and makes her feel great.

Personally, I can’t stand to clean. I do it because I need to but you’re never going to find me with a toothbrush in my toilet or dusting a hidden corner that no one will ever see. It does not make me feel good and while I do get a sense of satisfaction from having a clean home, I get way more pleasure out of a bubble bath, a good book, or sleeping in.

If you asked her, she’d tell you that deep cleaning is self-care for her. And obviously, I wouldn’t say that for myself.

And that’s the thing about self-care: it’s unique to you so it doesn’t have to be the same for everyone.

If basic self-care like brushing your teeth and washing your hair is enough for you, who is anyone else to tell you it’s not enough, it’s pathetic, or you aren’t prioritizing yourself enough?

By the same token, if you’re able to arrange a week away, who has any right to tell you that you’re not being a good parent or it’s too much?

Photo by Karl Fredrickson on Unsplash

What’s your season of life right now?

When my kids were still tiny, the thought of spending even a single night away from them was laughable. I barely had time for a shower. Washing my hair or shaving my legs truly was a luxury at that point. They were both saved for last because, if it came down to it and I had to cut my shower short, being clean and rinsed was more important.

As they got a little older, I had more time for showers and washing my hair and shaving my legs became basic hygiene again. But going out for a night with friends or on a date was still something I needed childcare and cash for — and those two things weren’t always readily available. But since the kids were capable of getting their own food and drinks and mostly behaving, giving myself manicures and soaking in bubble baths became self-care options again.

Now that I have one grown child and one teen who is nearly grown, I could easily schedule a massage or go away for a night, a weekend, or even longer if I wanted. But I’m also in a season where it feels good to stay home, turn on some Trevor Hall music, light a few candles, and enjoy being in my own space rather than being out with other people or in a space that doesn’t really belong to me.

My friend who loves deep cleaning her house? She’ll admit that when her kids were smaller, it was more work than it is now and that sometimes she failed to do it up to her standards. She’d also acknowledge that washing her hair often felt like a luxury in those days too.

When you’re a mom with young, very dependent children who rely on you for absolutely everything, your self-care is going to fall more on the basic side of self-care. As your kids grow older, you’ll move to more advanced, and eventually (hopefully) expert self-care. But you might also find that even as your kids grow older, other things might influence your self-care. Finances, other relationships, and your stress levels will all influence what you deem as self-care and how much of it you do.

Whether self-care for you is as basic as brushing your teeth or washing your hair or as indulgent as weekly spa days and being fed chocolates by a hot cabana boy, if it feels good and works for you, that’s all that matters.

Don’t let someone else make you feel like you’re not doing enough — or doing too much — because they do something different. Their circumstances aren’t the same as yours so their self-care won’t be the same. Don’t compare. Do what feels right to you. And know that if you want more, the day will come when you can have it.

Wendy Miller is a Single Mom Coach & meditation teacher. She helps moms use mindfulness and meditation to create the life they really want. She lives in Florida with her two sons, where she homeschools while solo parenting, while surrounded by what feels like a zooful of animals.

You can follow her on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest. You can also sign up for her newsletter where she offers more insights, tips, tricks, advice, and information to help single moms find purpose, creativity, passion, and peace.

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