Maybe 2020 Is The Year to Let Certain Things Go
By: Shannon Ashley
Tags: Personal Development, Life, Mental Health, Self, Life Lessons

Even when it comes to my writing, I am so often not in the headspace I need to be to finish a story. And it’s not because I don’t like what I do, or because I try to write too much. And it’s not because I’m some blubbering baby who blames everything on the pandemic.

I am struggling to get shit done because most of my coping mechanisms were taken away this year, and I was hit with heavier health challenges than ever before.

Honestly, I used to keep myself sane with leisurely Target runs. It might sound silly, but it’s true. I’d drive my daughter to school, then head over to Target and sit in their Starbucks Cafe with my tablet and a flat white and write. When I got too tired of sitting in the hard chair, I’d get up and grab a few things we needed for the house. Toothpaste. Trash bags. Maybe a new pair of PJs for my daughter.

Some days, I’d mix things up and window shop at another store. Maybe I’d grab groceries. On a few occasions, I’d book time for myself and get my nails done or have a massage. Afterward, I might eat lunch at a local hole-in-the-wall cafe and do some more writing.

For an introvert like myself, these quiet, contemplative days went a very long way at recharging my batteries. Just having time out in the world without being on mom duty was a real saving grace.

I lost those things with the pandemic and it isn’t anyone’s fault. Yes, they’re seemingly small and silly things. Yes, you can call them first world problems, and no, I haven’t made a big fuss about losing them because there are much worse things in the world to lose.

Unfortunately, though, I may have underestimated the difference those little habits and luxuries made in my life. I underestimated just how much of a difference those walks around Target or wherever actually made. Where I live in Tennessee, it’s frequently too hot for me to enjoy walking outside, or too stormy with heavy rain.

It was something of a shock when after a few months of staying home, I realized that my fitness had really gone downhill. My agoraphobia was also kicking into high gear. It’s not the kind of thing that most people think about, but when you suddenly don’t need to (or can’t really) go out in public, it only makes your fear of going out in public worse.

I often think of agoraphobia and certain Aspie fears of mine as existing somewhere along the spectrum of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). For the most part, I rely on exposure therapy to live more of the life I want.

It’s very difficult to get the right amount of exposure therapy, however, in the middle of a fucking pandemic. And once again, it’s nobody’s fault. It’s literally just life happening.

Beating myself up about my feelings or discomfort isn’t effective. And as a mom, I’ve got this duty not to be perfect, but to try to be healthy and whole. To do my best to respond to life’s challenges in a positive way. I take my responsibility pretty seriously and I want my daughter to know that our weaknesses don’t define us. It’s how we respond to our difficulties that matters most.

So? That’s what I’m trying to do.

Last night, I finally made the decision to cancel my Molly Maids appointment that’s scheduled for Tuesday. Am I bummed out about it? YES. Do I feel defeated? A bit. Honestly, I didn’t want to cancel… again. I don’t like the idea that I might not — okay, probably won’t — have a super neat and clean home for Christmas.

But there’s this idea that’s been swimming around in my head since March, and actually, I intended to write this headline way back then when I realized that too many of us were going a bit overboard with the personal development shit in quarantine.

Maybe 2020 is best seen as a time for letting go.

If 2020 gave you time to hone new skills or get more work done, that’s great. Wonderful, even. But I’m willing to bet that a lot more people need to hear that it’s okay if all you were really able to do in 2020 was… abide.

And if simply abiding was too much so you barely made it through?

That’s still something to be proud of.

Don’t get me wrong. As a long-term goal, most people want to thrive and live with purpose. But in hard times, sometimes the purpose is just making it to the other side. Sometimes, you need to do whatever it takes just to reach the shoreline.