The 13th Bureau
By: Edward Anderson
Tags: Short Story, Fiction, Humor, Thriller, Action

The 13th Bureau

Two unlikely heroes emerge.

Image by Christine Hanna from Pixabay

“This is why people think we are lesbians, Helen.” I said pointing to the newest antique lamp that she had brought into our overstuffed apartment. It was frustrating to me that she had bought another antique without asking me about it first.

“Nobody thinks that we are lesbians. Everyone knows that we are just old.” She shook her head at me. She always wore her hair short but lately it seemed like there was even less of it. Worry washed over me for a second but I brushed it off. “It’s just a lamp, Judy. It has nothing to do with our sexual orientation.”

Before I could answer, the alarm clock on the counter began to go off. Slowly Helen made her way over to it. She lifted it up and found a piece of paper at the bottom. Neither of our eyes left the paper. Finally, after a long minute, I sighed “Another mission?”

Helen and I were spies for a secret government agency called The 13th Bureau. It was kept a secret because we had higher clearance than everybody else in the world, on par with the President.

The note read: “Nuclear weapon on the way to White House. Please intercept. More details being sent to car.”

“Let’s go!” I grabbed the keys to the car, and wondered what adventure lay ahead. Helen looked at me stubbornly.

We both got to the car and saw why we were the ones alerted. The weapon was in NYC, heading towards the expressway to DC. In less than 5 minutes we were on the road and gaining on them. According to the very advanced GPS, the car was less than half a mile from us. “I’m going to speed up and then have the engine cut. Maybe we can wave down the car.”

“Because terrorists love nothing more than to help little old ladies. Use your head, Judy.” Sometimes I wanted to smack her more than anything. This was not the time though, so I stuffed the feeling down and swerved the car into a new lane. Then I hit the gas pedal and let the car speed ahead of the other cars. A pinging let me know we were approaching the car that we needed to stop.

So I moved the car into the lane and hit the stall button on the computer. Helen looked at me as if I were crazy but it was the only plan we had at the moment.

The sound of crunching metal filled our ears. Our car moved sideways, and was pushed more than a mile. Panic rose in my chest, my breath got lost somewhere inside of my body. Finally, the car stopped moving and slowly Helen and I got out of the car. We came face to face with the First Son, Harry Stewart. “Shit, listen I am so sorry. I was heading to see my dad and wasn’t paying attention.”

“It’s only a car, don’t worry sweetie.” It was my best attempt at sounding like a sweet grandmother, while Helen surreptitiously moved towards his car. “Though I am due to go see my daughter in Washington DC and don’t know how I’ll get there now.”

“I’ll give you a ride.” His smile was nearly perfect. All of the Stewart men were attractive, women went crazy for these guys. Another car stopped and his olive skin turned a ghostly white. “My mom is not going to be happy about this.”

“It was my fault. I’ll explain everything to her.”

The First Lady exited her car, with a gang of secret service men surrounding her. She snapped her fingers and they all held back. “Harry, what the hell happened? And what are you doing talking to this walking corpse?”

My finger itched to put a bullet between this battle axe’s eyes but right now that wouldn’t do any good. So I took a deep breath and tried to stay calm, “Ma’am it’s all my fault. My car stalled out in front of him.”

“That’s no reason for him to be speaking to you. My goodness, we could catch poverty out here. Take my car and get to your father, Harrison. Before you go, hand me the cookie jar.”

Helen shook her head at me. It seemed like a long shot to think that the weapon would be in there. Harry handed her the cookie jar and jogged back to the car with his head down. Once he was gone, Lilith Stewart looked at me and pulled out a gun. “I can’t believe that they sent the two old lesbians to take me down.”

“We are not lesbians! I am 70 years old and don’t want to live alone!” Helen screamed, her face turning tomato red. Never mind that Lilith was juggling a cookie jar and a gun at the same time.

“I don’t care. I had hoped for one of the young hunks but apparently it’s time for the two of you to be permanently retired.” She pulled back the safety on her gun and trained it on my friend.

It dawned on me that the cookie jar held the nuclear weapon and any disturbance to it would be catastrophic. I caught Helen’s eyes and she nodded ever so slightly. “Why are you trying to blow up the White House and DC?”

“Fine, if we have to do this here we will.” Lilith sighed. “It’s time for a new world order, it’s time for a major shakeup for the world’s leading superpower and the only way to do that is to get rid of the current system. So I’m going to blow everyone to smithereens.”

“Won’t that kill you too?”

“I’m not that dumb. It’s a bomb timed to go off after I leave for my trip to Egypt.”

Everything else happened in a blur. Shots were fired, military men showed up out of nowhere. And then Helen and I were presented with special awards from the President.

But Lilith lived to see another day…..