Living in my head.
By: Rollo Duncan
Tags: Support, Introduction, Mental Health, Life, My Life Story

Living in my head.



Introductions to blogs I have thought off many times over the years, never knowing where to start or what site to use, so I have opened a Word document and put the pressure off, why? Life is full of many pressures and for some, decisions that seem so small are often major decisions and put a lot of pressure on that individual.



I would consider myself personally to be lower class, I never grew up with anything but hand me downs and quite often a lot of abuse inside and outside of the house. Growing up in a country in turmoil over religion never helped either, especially the area I was in. I did well in the early years of school but then the bullying got so bad I dropped a class and never really had the confidence to get into education out of fear, more so less not wanting to deal with the spits, punches, bottles of piss hurling towards me just for wanting to do better with my life. Back in the 90s teachers were not educated in mental health, no one was. The terms “he’s a big lad” “wise up” “get over it” became a staple in my life.



I decided around the age of 15, after I had got abused at school with a punch in the stomach, a wedgie in the gym locker room and verbal abuse that I had to leave as soon as I could. Why did all the nasty people get the girls and why did no one do anything about it? There were no heroes, the phrase “do you know who his dad is” struck fear in us. When I got home from school that day I was visibly upset, I just wanted to go into my room and put on a cd and forget everything but unfortunately today was not that day, my brother decided I needed to be tougher and as wrestling was big staple in our lives at this point a swift power bomb through my bed followed by a walls of jericho until the moment I actually thought I would pass out incurred, this was life and I accepted it.



20 years later here I am, telling people my childhood does not effect me, it does not bother me at all, I am estranged from my whole family and I don’t know if the next sentence is true but I can assure you I believe it to be true, I really don’t care. When you live a life of let downs, disappointment and cry for help to the people who are supposed to help you and get rejected, often abused for such cries then I guess at some point of your life you let go.



Right now my days are dark, I have started taking medicine for my mental health for the first time in my life after years of rejecting it seeing what it has done to my wife and best friends. I have had several attacks where I hide in darkness, repeat colours, see things such as animals in sinks and uncontrollably cry. I am still learning my triggers to try and avoid them or mentally prepare myself to face them one day. I have not picked up my own personal mobile phone or watch since my first break down, in fact I am terrified of mobile phones right now.



For most parts of my days I feel what I perceive to be normal however when I try to think about it which is extremely difficult I feel like a fraud, I will feel like the demons of my past and I just need to wise up, what an absolute horrible feeling and phrase to lean towards. I sit in a corner on my chair wrapped in pj bottoms and a hoody which is up and over my head then a blanket wrapped around me, the blanket is comfort to me and can hide me from the world, the hood keeps me level, almost like it keeps me hidden.



Things so far that have saved my life are 1 friend totally unexpected, my wonderful wife, my gorgeous little puppy, my blanket/darkness and drill music. They are the 5 triggers that I have found to calm me down. I guess we find comfort in different ways, who knew hearing Tion Wayne rap about drugs cash and women would calm you down from an attack or moment? Who knew Central Cee would give you confidence to get up and cook food?