Assange Embassy Cat Pleaded With Ecuadorian Prime Minister
By: Joshua Dopkowski
Tags: Cats, Satire, Politics, Wikileaks, Humor

Assange Embassy Cat Pleaded With Ecuadorian Prime Minister

Sources describe a tense situation between Julian Assange and his feline associate.

It has been widely reported that there was a close personal relationship between Julian Assange and a cat, who was also living in the Ecuadorian embassy in London. Both Twitter and Instagram show that the two shared quarters and slept in the same bed, and according to sources inside the embassy, they even shared the same litter box.

However new reports are now surfacing that claim that the relationship between Assange and the cat was largely a public relations stunt, designed to promote Assange’s agenda. Apparently, there was a lot of tension between Assange and the cat, and the Ecuadorian government’s decision to end the asylum agreement for Assange was entirely based on the cat’s grievances.

The feud between Assange and the cat apparently began in late 2016, when sources say that Assange refused to provide the cat with slim fitting ties. Assange argued that the chunky ties were cute, however, the cat was adamant that the ties didn’t work with his feline body type. The cat had further requested cufflinks to match his collar studs, however, Assange refused, stating that “cufflinks were for elitists.” Apparently, the cat also expressed that he wanted to open a Tinder account, and Assange responded by having the cat's testicles removed.

Sources inside the embassy say that tensions were further fueled by a disagreement over social media accounts. The cat had reportedly pleaded with Assange to relinquish control of the Twitter and Instagram accounts that were under the cat's moniker, Embassy Cat. The socially starved feline argued that in cat years, he was in fact old enough to manage his own social media presence. Witnesses to the argument also said that the cat complained about his baby pictures being on Twitter, saying that they were outdated, and further expressed frustration that his Instagram image was doing little to promote his dream of being a professional mouser.

As the situation was escalating, the cat reportedly met in secret with Ecuadorian Ambassador Carlos Abad Ortiz on at least one occasion, and reportedly also met separately with several key members of Ortiz’s staff. Sources claim that the topic of these meetings was an ongoing battle that had been raging between Assange and the cat, regarding the litterbox. Apparently, Assange had been demanding that the cat clean up after itself, and had actually resorted to smearing his own feces on the walls in an act of defiance for the cat refusing to do so. The cat, however, felt that cleaning the litterbox was entirely the responsibility of Assange, since he was the only one that had opposable thumbs. Ecuadorian President Lenín Moreno apparently agreed with the cat and stated publically that Assange had to be responsible for the feline’s “well-being, food, hygiene, and proper care.”

The matter came to a head in late March when Assange reportedly learned of the prior meetings between the cat and embassy officials. Fearful of retaliation from Assange, the cat requested to be removed from the embassy immediately and requested full immunity in exchange for his testimony against Assange. According to sources, the cat claimed that Assange had been working to undermine the Ecuadorian government from inside the embassy. The cat further complained that Assange blamed the cat for not winning enough people over to his cause of evading rape charges. Days before the cat left the embassy, witnesses reported hearing the cat saying to Assange, “you may be the only one with testicles, but I’m the only one in this room with any fucking balls.”

Embassy officials confirmed that they were indeed growing tired of the ongoing game of cat and mouse and that sending the cat to a shelter had been discussed as an option. Assange is currently being held in custody with multiple charges pending from several nations, however, no charges have been brought against the cat, whose exact whereabouts are currently unknown. This publication was unable to reach the cat for further comment.