How to Date Yourself
By: Maria Chapman
Tags: Self Improvement, Parenting, Love, Solitude, Relationships Love Dating

Photo by Anastasia Leonova on Unsplash

I’m a busy mom with five kids, a full-time career, and I went on a date last Friday night.

I wore my favorite black dress and red shoes, with lipstick to match.

I looked great, I felt better, sexy, even.

I got to the bar early so I’d have time to read my book.

When was the last time you took yourself on a date?

It took me about 30 years to understand that I need to build solitude into my schedule. I am an introvert, which isn’t to say I don’t enjoy people. I love people and tend to be very social. I just also have a deep and unwavering need to be alone sometimes.

Of course, like most of us, my days don’t involve a lot of opportunities to be alone. According to Sherrie Bourg Carter Psy.D. in Psychology Today finding time for solitude can have significant impacts such as improved concentration, enhanced creativity, and problem-solving. Carter says that it can also have a positive impact on your relationships.

I crave solitude. I need time to think and wonder and process difficult things. I need time to block out all of the difficult things and just read for pleasure. I need time to hike up a mountain at my own pace, just me, and the trail, and the crunch of leaves. I need time to explore a new town, or to wander the beach. Sometimes on particularly delectable weekends, I stay in a hotel to watch movies, order room service and live on my schedule.

If this is so important, why aren’t more of us doing it? My mornings are spent corralling kids and trying to force them into clothing, and my days are spent in an overcrowded elementary school. The evenings are full, in that wondrous way family meals, packing lunches, and bathtime are. I’m sure your days are just as jam-packed.

There just isn’t time to be alone built into our days. How are we supposed to find time to be alone?

Step One: Get over the idea that going out alone is awkward.

Photo by Karen Zhao on Unsplash

There was certainly a time in my life when I thought it would be weird to go out to dinner alone or a movie by myself. I’m not exactly sure why I felt that way, but I know many of my friends do. When I mention taking myself on a date, they couldn’t imagine going out alone. What would the other people in the restaurant or theatre think? It would look like I don’t have any friends.

In reality, no one cares. The other patrons are busy enjoying their night. They aren’t wondering why you are also out.

It doesn’t matter whether you are single, dating someone, or married. Going out alone is necessary. Imagine being able to pick any restaurant you want, or see the movie that piques your interest, instead of having it be a joint decision.

Step 2: Schedule an appointment. Then keep it.

It’s up to me to make the time. I schedule dates with myself. My choice of activity varies, but I make sure to schedule time every week to take myself on a date. Not because I don’t have plenty of friends that I could schedule the time with, and not because I don’t love dates with my husband. In this phase of our lives, we have plenty of date nights thanks to our 17-year-old daughter. I schedule it because I am a priority and because being alone is something that I need for my mental health.

Keep your promises to yourself. You wouldn’t break a promise to your loved ones so easily, so why aren’t you loving yourself a bit more? It’s written in the calendar on your phone, just like your son’s golf lessons and your daughter’s dentist appointment. If it’s on the calendar it’s important.

Step 3: Enlist support such as childcare for your pile of kids

Notice that I told you to schedule it, and then find support. I’ve had women tell me when I advocate that they date themselves, that their husbands would never let them go out by themselves, or wouldn’t watch the kids on a Friday night.

Photo by Juliane Liebermann on Unsplash

Men are capable, loving parents just like women are. I realize that being married to a man who was a single dad for the better part of a decade means that I don’t have to convince mine that he’s equipped to handle bathtime and tantrums, but I did still have to tell him that I need this time.

Let your support system know this is something you need. Tell them it’s for your mental health. You are not asking for permission to go out alone, you are telling them you need this. You can even blame it on me if you’d like. Single moms, I know it’s tougher for you, I’ve been there. Find a babysitter. I’m quite certain that there are other people than you out there who love your child.

Step 4: Shove the mommy guilt gown the garbage disposal.

This is still the step I struggle with the most. I do miss my kids when I’m away from them. I miss the smell of their hair and their soft little arms.

After doing this for a few years, however, I realized that sometimes I also miss myself. The self that existed before the kids came along. It is ok for me, or for you, to go out and find that person again.

Get rid of the guilt as best you can. You’re going to be so much better for having taken this time. Once you’ve shaken off the guilt, go pick your date-night outfit.

Step 5: Repeat.

I almost wrote step 5 as: give your loved ones the freedom to get some alone time in too. But, in reality, it’s their job to ask for it. So, instead, just model taking great care of yourself. When they decide to follow suit, be supportive.

So, if you see me next Friday sitting at the bar, ordering oysters and sipping a glass of wine, please, resist the urge to say hi. I’ll be polite to you, but I’ll also make the conversation quick. Date night is about me. I promised.