Things at 20
By: Lucklita Theng
Tags: 2020, Failure, Growth Mindset, Reflections, Lessons Learned

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20 used to feel like such a distant age for me when I was younger, and I used to imagine what I would have accomplished at 20 — a whole adult! With a quick glance, my 20 year old self would like to tell the 12 year old me — girl, your expectations were way too high, you expect me to “know things”, have a whole house, a stable job, and just carry myself around in an “adult manner” — basically a completely different person (someone who you wouldn’t even begin to understand).

A longer look at myself at 20, I’d rather say, girl, you could not even imagine the person you’d grow up to be, all the things you would do, and the people you would meet, where your talkative ass got you. No, I don’t “know things” but I am learning a lot. No, I don’t have a whole house, I live in a college townhouse with amazing housemates, no I don’t have a stable full-time job, I have had several internships, done several different projects and working on my own thing right now. I am not sure if I carry myself in an “adult manner”, I don’t even know what that means — but I can tell you, I’m very comfortable in my skin, who I am, and I am able to take care of myself and others I care about.

In a sense, being 20 — is not as boring as my 12 year old self thought. It’s on the edge, you have to make a lot of internal decisions, who you are, what do you care about, who do you want to be, what do you want to know, what will your time be used for …all these questions, and there is time. Yes, even when you hit the 2–0, you still have time — much more time than you thought. So, what would you do with that time?

Here’s what I’d use my time for.

Counselling — Everyone needs counselling

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Growing up, I had my fair share of unpleasant, overwhelming and confusing experiences. It could be family, school, relationships, friendships or personal encounters that created these experiences which are difficult to process or come to terms with.

It is a part of being human to have all the good and the bad experiences. Sometimes, more often that admitted, I began to see how my childhood experiences, started to affect my present day experiences.

It could be hard to identify why I feel insecure, sad, envious, angry, anxious.. or why I act protective, selfish, nervous, aggressive, disruptive…in the very moment that I felt or acted that way.

With some time and thinking, I always manage to trace it to a moment in the past, or another experience that influence the way I acted or felt. Sometimes, these revelations are decisive. E.g. I must’ve felt insecure about my physical appearance because as a young child, I was told I was too “meaty” or “unkempt” as a girl, and there’s so many resource that supports me in believing differently now, and gaining confidence as a woman — it is still a long process.

Other times, the revelations are unsatisfactory. E.g. Sometimes, why do I feel like my romantic partner doesn’t understand or care enough for me, while at the same time, I know that he does, and very much so? Why can’t I believe or trust someone to care deeply for me? Or why do I feel like I’ve achieved nothing of worth or value? Where do these feelings come from? How do I approach them? When will they pass? or will these feelings be permanent?

Different people will have different things to sort through, and what better time to do it in your 20s when you supposedly have gain enough insight into yourself and your life to understand where you need to work on, and how to go forth from there in a productive and healthy manner.

Counselling and therapy is often a taboo, especially back home in Cambodia. If you are in therapy or counselling, you are “sick”, “weak” or even “insane”. I didn’t understand it properly until I came to the US, and learnt more about the normalcy of therapy and counselling. It could help you understand yourself, solve personal issues, and prevent future issues. Over all, you are not sick, or weak, or crazy to want professional help and advice in unpacking the past or dealing with your day-to-day experiences.

Everyone has their own set of problems. The process of getting help is normal and should be normalized.

I would personally encourage my friends and family to get counseling if I know they could benefit from it.

Listen More — Very few people do

I grew up aware that I was more talkative than most, that I often take up a lot of space and would rather say something than be quiet.

It continues throughout my life, and several people would often advise me to talk less, and listen more. I was confused sometimes. I thought I was doing a good thing — contributing, taking action and moving things forward.

I was not able to understand why this part of me was criticized. Sometimes I understand, and I practice curbing my energy, my tendency to over-talk, or to take up too much space.

It’s like a pendulum — it depends on the situation. It can get super frustrating. For instance, I thought I was doing super well in a work meeting, yet once it ended, I was taken aside, and basically told to decrease my proactiveness, and talkativeness. Or other times, when I’m too conscious of taking space in a group meeting, I would be asked “Lita, why didn’t you say something?”… ?!?!

Well, the common trend between these situations is that I was not able to distinguish what the situation asked for. That requires more listening. As I get older, I will practice listening more — and what that looks like would be something like setting up some simple personal rules:

If there is a group discussion and there’s silence, count to 30–40 before I say something.

If it’s a one-on-one discussion or argument, try to not cut the other person midway no matter what. Let people finish their sentences and thoughts even if you know exactly what they were going to say. It is a sign of respect, and take that time to gather your thoughts better too.

There are many more rules, and they differ for everyone. I could’ve chosen to disregard all those comments about my talkativeness and it wouldn’t have been wrong. I am old enough to decide who and how I want to be — and what type of people do I want to attract.

I choose to become a better listener, because I want to hear more and learn more from other people. I personally don’t think I’ve earned the wisdom to speak without regards to other ideas just yet. Give it a decade or two haha :)

Take Notes — You’ll need them

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First year in college, I did not take any notes for my classes at all…because I didn’t believe in them. Why am I taking notes when I can just type away on my computer or go online and search for the same information?

In my second year in college now, after struggling to keep up with some of my demanding classes, I decided to take notes, physically in notebooks. I approved a lot — mentally and academically. I was less stress, more focused and perform much better in class. I know it is a simple fact, but I forget the importance of note taking sometimes.

A research from University of Michigan stated that “notetaking facilitates both recall of factual material and the synthesis and application of new knowledge, particular when notes are reviewed prior to exams.”

Outside of class, I started having a book to ideate in, and to act as a journal when I was 17. Three years later, and 5 notebooks in, I think its one of the best decision I made, and one of the best habits I cultivated. These books hold my ideas, my hopes, my troubles, and my plans. They are the physical manifestation of who I was, who I am and who I want to be.

There are periods in my life where I take notes, and where I don’t at all, and I was fine. The bigger questions for me were…When and for what do I take notes?

Now, I have an answer: Take notes when things get difficult and confusing, no matter the context. They help you organize your mind.

This answer might change…so in my 20s, I pledge to take more notes in my academic life, and also in my personal life. Who knows, an autobiography might come out of it all :)

Help Others — Use your voice

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In the time I spent in the US, I became more outspoken about worldly issues, more decisive on where I stand on certain matters such as racial relations, inequality, poverty, violence and modern-slavery…etc.

I’ve consciously donated to several causes, spend time reading and viewing different informative and educational material, and speak to my friends and family about these issues.

One of the biggest decision I’m about to take, even as a college student, is to sponsor a Cambodian child/student back home in their educational career. There are organizations that help find donors to sponsor and support families in poverty.

I believe that we can and should make a positive difference in the world that we live in.

There are so many issues in the world. I advise to not pick randomly and so many. Start with 1–3 issues, I like to categorize them as:

#1: Issues relating to your passion, and personal interest — E.g. I’m interested in education and technology. Hence, I want to focus on the access to education and opportunities for young people in developing countries like Cambodia, where I grew up in.

#2: Issues relating/impacting the current society/community you live in and/or the society/community where you are from. For instance, while I live in the US, I decided to dedicate some of my resources to focus on the tensed racial issues in the country, to understand better and to support progressive movements here — E.g. Black Lives Matter.

#3: Issues relating your core values, and the fundamental beliefs you have of a just world. For me, I feel strongly about violation of human rights — particular trafficking and modern slavery. E.g. The issue relating to oppression of Uyghurs in China, the issue of child and sex trafficking in Asia, Middle-East, and Africa. These are some issues, I have my eyes on. I am currently trying to discourage myself and others to shop from large retail companies that have been associated with modern slavery, and exploitation of labor. I do not feel safe talking about these issues in public, so I try to other things to help.

You can curate what and how you help, and I encourage you to study your personal experiences, and values to help you determine this one. In any case, use your voice.

Fail — Get accustom to failing, and feel comfortable doing so.

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Before you go accusing me or judging me for endorsing a weak or inferior mindset, please hear me out. Growing up, I had top grades in my school, I get scholarships, I got funding, I pass my exams, mostly acing them too. However, I also fail. I get rejected from applications, I was refused scholarships, I failed my exams…and many more.

As you grow older, you realize like anything else, success does not last forever. You can have a long streak of great wins, and I promise you, at many points in your life, you’re going to feel the bitterness of failure. It’s not pleasant to lose something, get rejected, or fail at something. However, its normal. It’s a part of growing, and developing. You fail, you learn and you try again.

I am still navigating the feeling of failure, the courage to move past it, grow from it, and try it again.

The key is to keep yourself open to failure, and that means try new things, difficult things, things you’re not sure you can win at and have patience and faith in yourself. If you fail, get up, reflect and have another go at it.

This year, I tried Computer Science. I knew it was something I considered hard, but that I am determine to push through. I want to major in Computer Science and a sizeable part of the reason is to build grit and increase my confidence in STEM subjects.

I was more so a “humanities” person in high school, and I never considered myself someone who could be STEM-focused. This is exactly why I wanted to focus more on STEM subjects, in particular, CS. I am excited by it, granted it kills my brain sometimes, and I doubt myself countless times, but I can’t wait to come out of it all — a strong, capable, independent woman, using my skills and knowledge to help others around me.