Please Help! A Menacing Force Is Trying to Take Control of My Mind and I’m Too Weak to Resist It
By: Bill Dubay Jr.
Tags: Satire, Fiction, Humor, Technology, Short Story

If you’re reading this story, you’re my last hope. Please help! There’s a non-corporeal intruder in my house and they’re trying to take possession of my mind to make me do things no self-respecting individual would ever do.

After weeks of the incessant chirping and nagging of this demon, I’m on the brink of succumbing to its will. If I do what it asks, perhaps the non-stop moaning and wailing will stop. At least the alien-like chirp might finally fall silent.

My mind is growing weak. It’s becoming more and more difficult to resist the intruder’s demands. I’m hunkered down in my bathroom now with the door locked, cradled in a fetal position inside my empty tub while I type this cry for help on my old Blackberry.

I had to dig it out of an old box in my bedroom closet because the demonic invader has infested all my other devices with its shrill and torturesome alerts.

I just heard another of the alien-like chirps coming from the other room!

No doubt it’s another attempt to bond me in eternal enslavement. I bet this message is even more dastardly than the last, although I can’t imagine how that could be so.

This was the last message:

I know you’re busy, but would you mind please submitting your timesheet for the last pay period? It was due two days ago.

That message is by far the most ruthless and demanding of the lot, the very one that drove me in a flight of terror into this bathtub with my old Blackberry in the first place.

It all started six months ago when I was deemed essential.

We software developers were told to work from home. I was elated once I learned that I could be even more productive at home by getting out of bed only ten minutes before starting time and remaining more aerodynamic by working in my boxer shorts throughout the day.

Note: as usual, I employed a Pomodoro-like productivity technique of working on my programming tasks for five minutes and then taking a 79-minute break.

This alternating work/break technique works like a charm and allows me to be much more productive than I ever was in the office.

In the office during my quick 79-minute break blocks, I had to constantly look over my shoulder while searching the internet for the secrets to life. Either that or I had to sit idly twiddling my thumbs while staring blankly at a screen. Believe me, no one can be ultra-productive when 84% of the day is spent in such a fashion.

At home, I’ve gotten all kinds of amazing work done during my 79-minute breaks. I passed The Legend of Zelda (both the first and the second quest!) and I found the other end of a YouTube rabbit hole while searching for ways to make myself even more aerodynamic while I work.

But soon, the incessant chirping began.

The demon sent me this Skype message:

I found a bug on the admin page of your app and sent you an email with the details. When you get a chance, can you take a look?

Good God! I thought. It was only the third day working from home and already my house was being invaded by these nefarious messages! Didn’t the wretched gremlin know that I was at home relaxing in my boxer shorts? Not only that, but I was only 32 minutes into my third 79-minute break that day.

Four days later, sure enough, there was more banshee-like wailing coming through my computer screen. The words screamed off the page:

Did you have a chance to look at that bug I asked you about on Monday? The head honcho is asking about it.

This message sent me into a full-blown panic attack. By then it was clear that the depraved trickster was trying to take control of my actions and get me to bend to its will. It even invoked the name of its overlord, which must be even more gruesome and terrible than itself.

Plus, didn’t this ghoul know that I had already exhausted my brain on coding for that day? I spent three entire work-time blocks (that’s fifteen whole minutes!) writing code that would simulate a user click every few minutes while I was lying on the couch. This was a precaution to trick the demon into thinking I was always chained in my shackles.

Oh no! Another ding. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m going to post this plea for help now, but if no one responds to my call, the next time you see me, I might be zoned out, staring at my screen and actually writing code.

Please don’t turn your back on me now! This incessant demon must know, not only am I at home, but I’m on my break!