Please Help My Bras Find Work
Tags: Babies, Politics, Health, Life, Coronavirus

Please Help My Bras Find Work

Looking for: Your average boob job. (Photo by Danijela Prijovic)

There’s something I want to get off my chest.

As someone who recently started working from home, I must confess to milking the routine of living in sweatpants and oversized college T-shirts 24/7. This “saggy-chic” vibe is one I’m hooked on now, and, as a result, my breasts have made a special request to never be confined again.

Yes, I have laid off all my bras — indefinitely.

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Most of them currently live at home and are eager to get back to 36, 38, or 40-hour work weeks. They come from humble beginnings (T.J. Maxx), and combined, their years of experience reach double digits. While full-time is preferred, they’re open to part-time, hourly, and freelance opportunities — no training required. The bras specialize in asset management, and have been described as supportive, strapping, protective, uplifting, well-rounded, and beige over the course of their career development.

Not only are they famous for doing two jobs for the price of one, but they also thrive in various settings (intimate, athletic, etc.), are willing to make adjustments when needed, and always stay ahead of the curve. Also worth noting: when I drink — and even when I don’t — they’re graciously the DD.

I’ll be upfront, however — some days are a complete bust. A few unmentionables you should know about: The bras are notorious under-achievers. They’re constantly holding things up. Often, it feels like they’re giving you the cold shoulder. They tend to pad the truth, insist on getting closure, and take off quickly, usually with short notice. But, luckily, when opportunities come knocking, they know how to nip that lingering behavior in the bud.

Some fun facts! They are World Cup champs, pros at push-ups, and have all been part of a band. Their interests include: puppies, melons, mountains, pillows, jugs, Nordstrom Rack, The Wire, Twin Peaks, and hanging out with the girls.

They are willing to relocate to Silicon Valley, Cleveland, and Boulder.

If you know someone who might be interested, please text 555–8008. (Areola code: 206)

They’ve been burned in the past, so serious inquiries only. Please keep me abreast if you have any leads. OK — gotta bounce. Ta-ta for now.