The Beginning of the Gentle Hmm
By: April Odom
Tags: Growth, Vulnerability, Spiritual Growth, Church, Spirituality

A few years ago a co-worker asked me at what point did I feel comfortable no longer identifying as a Christian. I don’t remember my response or even if I gave an in-depth answer. I do remember thinking, “That’s a good question,” to myself. It did make me ponder about the transition of my beliefs. That question also made me realize that I never consider myself a Christan. I pretended like I was until I was able to find a safe place to ask questions and explore my own personal beliefs. I had to wait until I was 18 to actively begin, which has now become a trend, the spiritual journey. However, the real start of my shift began when I was a child.

When I was a few years old, somewhere around 4, 5, or 6, I remember sitting in a pew in church and someone was preaching from the pulpit and they said something that caused a physical reaction in me. I don’t remember what was said but I do remember feeling like something was off. I had no idea what that feeling was in my child’s mind, however, it caused a shift in me. That feeling, which I now call the gentle hmm, is a reaction that I get when something does not resonate with me or just doesn’t feel right. I remember having that feeling when people talked about God or being a “good Christian.” The gentle hmm was very strong when I entered the church. Honestly, as a child this was a lot to process, however, I’m happy that I gave myself the space to ask questions even if it was just to myself. I wish I had someone to bounce questions off of or to get some clarification, but as many have been told who grew up in the church, “The word is the beginning and the end” and ‘Never question the bible.” So I kept to myself until one day I was given permission to question the information that was being told to me.

In my senior year of high school, my English teacher decided to talk to the class about the Bible. Based on her appearance and her mannerisms I thought it was going to be something from the pulpit. I was wrong. She told us that Adam and Eve were not the first people in the Bible. She stated the bible mentioned a man before Adam and Eve was introduced (I read it, it’s true). She mentioned some inconsistencies about Noah’s ark, however, I don’t remember exactly what she said but it had something to do with the “end of the world.” What I remember the most is that she told us to think for ourselves, read for ourselves, and ask questions. She told us to not be content with believing what others say is true. That was the first time anyone has ever told me that. I think I was the only person in class who was paying attention to what was being said. Even though she was not talking directly to me, I felt seen. I felt a sense of peace knowing that I was not crazy or a bad person because I questioned the God/Jesus/beliefs that were presented to me. It made me feel like my gentle hmm was not bad or contrary but my compass. This moment happened 20 years ago and I still have so much gratitude for that teacher.

The questioning and the gentle hmm has never stopped. I always check in with my personal beliefs and see what still holds true and what needs to be released. A belief that served me 5 years ago maybe a disservice to me now. It’s natural to explore who we are and what we believe and it’s ok to change it up from time to time. Listening to my gentle hmm has been a learning process. It has never steered me wrong, however, there have been times that I didn't listen to it and endured the consequences. Deconditioning old beliefs have definitely been a challenge but necessary for the growth and healing process.

I was not planning to write about the beginning stages of my spiritual journey. There is definitely more to it but this is the gist of it. It was my intention to share some observations and lessons I’ve learned along the way, however, I am just following my gentle hmm. Thank you for reading.