Your Tinder Bio is Trash
By: Niki Marinis
Tags: Dating Advice, Humor, Relationships Love Dating, Online Dating, Life Lessons

Your Tinder Bio is Trash

Katie Dutch — used with permission

Still not having much luck online dating?

If your online dating profile pictures aren’t garbage and your messages to prospective dates are more interesting than “Hey” or “How’s your day going?”, it might be that your bio is a dumpster fire.

No Bio

This isn’t Mad Libs, I can’t fill in the blanks for you, man.

You shouldn’t legally be allowed to online date without filling out the bio.

You’re trying to get a job at a top firm without even applying.

NEXT!

Don’t be a lazy jackass.

I’ll fill this out later

There IS no later. There is only NOW.

This is more of that lazy jackass stuff I mentioned earlier. Did you sign up for this dating site while sitting at a red light? You have time. Do it now.

I’d almost rather see nothing than someone taking the time to say they don’t have the time. What else do you not have time for, brushing your teeth? Paying your rent? Getting me off?

Bad form on all counts.

All Emojis

This feels like you’re a child who doesn’t know how to use your Big Boy words.

We don’t need an emoji of everything you’ve ever liked or done in your entire life. Words are cool. String them together strategically to form sentences.

Chicks dig sentences.

SC>NY>HI>CA>VH1>TMZ>ATM>VCR>FBI>MTV

Stop it. This isn’t the Travel Channel. None of your moves are interesting without a backstory. Save your backstory for actual conversation.

I just see a jumble of letters and my eyes start rolling back in my head. Yes, we get it, you’re either well traveled or totally unstable.

Keep them to a minimum, please. Thanks.

No Drama, No Games

Uh duh. No one is looking for drama or games, except those who explicitly state they’re not looking for drama or games.

It’s always the biggest drama queens who whine, “Drama just finds me!” It’s called projection, my friend.

Also, what you focus on is what you get. If you’re analyzing everything someone says or does looking for signs of drama or game playing, you’re gonna find it. Because you’re looking for it. Because you really want there to be some. So stop.

Or keep it up! It entertains the hell out of ME.

Being Bitter

Don’t drone on about your latest break-up.

That’s not a turn on. That’s not enticing. That’s not a selling point.

Don’t talk about your “crazy ex” or your “restraining order” or considering giving up on ever finding a “good one”. Negative attitudes are kinda shitty. Who wants to sign up for that? Other bitter bastards. Barf. Knock it off.

Maybe take a break from dating until you stop feeling like everyone is out to screw you over and there’s no point in dating because we’re all going to die alone.

Maybe work on that.

Long List of Demands

No “What I’m looking for” or “Must be:” kind of lists. This isn’t Wendy’s, you’re not ordering a value meal.

Be more concerned with presenting what you bring to the table than boring everyone with your unrealistic expectations. Expectations are just premeditated resentments.

Also, by sharing your wishlist of personality traits you’re laying out exact directions to your heart, something your date should learn and earn while dating you. Don’t hand out the answer key to the test because people WILL cheat.

“Find out what you want, be that girl for a month, wait the worst is yet to come, oh no…” — T. Swift

Exceptions: stating your stance on pets and smoking. I don’t date smokers and I love my cat more than you. These are non-negotiable.

Any of the following generic, boring shit

Fluent in sarcasm

Let’s go on an adventure

Dog parent

Sapiosexual

Just looking for the Pam to my Jim

Friends, family, and lovin life

Just looking to meet people and see what happens

Wonder if women ever send the first message on here

6’1” because apparently that matters?

Dream it and you can achieve it

Love everyone

Do one thing every day that scares you

No fatties

This isn’t an inspirational quote Instagram page. Don’t be a Basic Bitch. Please have more personality than this.

Stand out. Be different. Be funny! Be silly. Be quirky.

This is your time to sell me on you. Hell, sell YOU on you.