The Advice I Wish I Had Listened to Before Getting Married
By: Jason Gutierrez
Tags: Relationship Advice, Relationships, Marriage, Love, Personal Growth

Marriage is kind of a big deal, which is why if you’re about to embark on the journey of everlasting love, you should know the facts — or at least my highly opinionated facts — based on real-world experiences and advice I’ve received throughout my life.

Here you go.

1. Love isn’t enough

Three years ago, I married the woman I loved with every fiber of my being.

One time during our 4-ish year relationship, we split. Never in my life had I felt such a deep wound in my heart, and so a month later we got back together and ultimately ended up marrying one another.

Six months into the marriage, we separated. A year later, divorced.

Love simply wasn’t enough.

2. Doubt before marriage is a red flag

My ex-wife and I had a tumultuous relationship to say the least (hence the split). Not long after getting back together, we reached the inevitable “break up or get engaged” crossroads. Obviously, we chose to get engaged.

At that point, I had serious doubts about following through with the marriage, but I ignored them because:

I loved her

I had something to prove to myself

I wasn’t ready to let her go

I’ve talked to enough friends in similar situations to understand that successful marriages don’t start with doubt. If you’re feeling this way before your big day, don’t ignore it — there’s likely a reason for it.

3. There will be days when you wish you weren’t married

While I don’t believe doubt should be present at the onset of marriage, that doesn’t mean you eventually won’t have days when you wish you weren’t married.

Some of the best advice I’ve ever received about marriage came from some random person’s dad on Reddit talking about this very point:

“Love is a habit. Not an emotion. Your emotions change all the time. There will be days when you don’t want to be married. That’s where the habit fits in.” — Random Dad

On days like this, it’s important not to run away or do something stupid. Instead, it’s the perfect opportunity to revisit why you married your spouse and use those thoughts to strengthen the relationship.

Hobbies and alone time, of course, work wonders too.

4. Communication is 90% of the battle

Human communication is fallible at best. Communication breakdowns and misinterpretations happen all the time, which explains why it’s the number one reason marriages and relationships fall apart.

Communication snafus, when left unchecked, can lead to resentment, doubt, unmet needs, and plenty of turmoil.

Here’s what I’ve found to be critical:

Promote open and honest communication…and f&%^ing mean it

Talk openly and often about issues, but what’s REALLY IMPORTANT is that you don’t throw a fit when your partner tells you something you don’t like. Doing so conditions the other person not to speak up or to flat-out lie. They’re doing their part in trying to tell you something important, so listen, and respond from a place of love and understanding.

Never assume

Clarify or ask for clarification when unsure. Never leave the important stuff up for interpretation. This holds true for non-verbal communication (e.g. body and eye gestures) too.

Don’t avoid arguments and don’t leave arguments hanging

SPEAK UP when you’re upset. I used to be really bad at letting my ex-wife know when my needs weren’t met. This led to way more resentment than it should have. Also, settle that shit before you go to bed. Don’t lay awake at night and carry the negative energy with you into the next day.

5. You need to be on the same page for a few key things

Don’t wait until after you’re married to talk about things like your savings plan, joint bank accounts, how to raise your kids, schooling, where to live, and religion (if that’s important to you). This is a surefire way to set yourself up for disaster.

Never assume that you two are on the same page. These are very important and fundamental aspects of how you live your life that need to be talked about upfront.

It’s not wise to ignore conflicts in these areas and hope that you two will magically agree later…because you likely won’t. And I promise you that moving on from the relationship before marriage is much easier than doing so after.

6. The little things are what tie everything together

The big things are largely non-negotiable. But it’s the little things, things like agreeing on what temperature to set the thermostat at, what kinds of food to eat, who hates doing the dishes, who doesn’t mind cleaning, etc. that strengthen the bond of the relationship.

Or really, it’s compromise — and the ability to do so freely without holding resentment towards your partner — that makes everything else in the marriage stick together.

You don’t need to always agree on the little things, but you need to be able to compromise.

7. People change

Even if your marriage appears to be perfect and you and your partner agree on everything…people change. Every conversation, book you read, podcast you listen to, TV show you watch — every interaction changes you.

Your wife or your husband 100% will not be the same person in 5 years that they are today. In fact, if they are, that’s cause for concern. People are meant to change, meant to grow, meant to evolve.

A strong marriage accounts for this, and the two people do their best to change together. But keep in mind that may not always be the case.

Don’t fight change, be ready for it.

Above all, never regret anything

Enjoy every minute of the love that you share for what it is. Love is rare, and you simply never know when it’s going to end. It’s either going to be exactly what you’ve been looking for or one of the greatest lessons you’ll ever learn.

For me, it was the latter, and boy was it a hell of a lesson.