Cookie Monster Reviews Nicki Minaj’s Verse From “Monster”
By: Raleigh Mccool
Tags: Music, Satire, Humor, Nicki Minaj, Hip Hop

Cookie Monster Reviews Nicki Minaj’s Verse From “Monster”

Image Copyright: HBO. (Fair Use.)

It’s one of those moments: you remember exactly where you were when you first heard it, what you were wearing, who you were with. We were at the Count’s castle, and I was totally naked. The Count was a big Nicki fan — ever since he’d moved to New York to do Sesame Street, he was really into the hip hop scene there. He played the track, and we were just stunned. We just stared at each other, our mouths open in shock. Cookie crumbs tumbled down my chest.

Count finally broke the silence to inform me that Nicki had spat 265 words in that blistering verse. That was always our biggest argument about rap. I loved the swagger and the vibe and the wordplay; Count just loved the word count.

There is one thing we agreed on, though: Nicki’s verse on “Monster” went hard. So sneering and petty and visceral. It took her to a whole new level. Take it from me, an actual monster: the way she enters the song, right there at the end, is downright monstrous.

I know I’m five paragraphs in, but first things first: “First things first, I’ll eat your brains” is the perfect line. I mean, I prefer cookies to brains (it’s a texture thing), but that is what a motherfucking monster do. Every rap verse, Sesame Street episode, and bite of cookie should start with “first things first.”

Despite wearing a designer shoe, Nicki stomps through the next few lines, shouting out her crew and bragging about money. Could she have called it “dough”? Sure. Later on, Nicki attempts to iron out some of the details her haters are spewing her way, asking, “Wait, I’m the rookie? / But my features and my shows ten times your pay?” I know something that rhymes with “rookie!” And yet, the rhyme just hangs there, abandoned, as Nicki launches into the next bar.

We’re about halfway through the verse now — how about this Nicki Minaj though, right? Wow — bars, attitude, swagger, it’s all still there, ten years later. Something that’s coming up for me on this listen, though — something I’ve never really noticed before — is the absence of a particular baked goods-loving monster.

If Nicki was going to rap about monsters, why not rap about an actual monster? A monster who stood in line for two freezing hours after that Barclays show just to get a hurried selfie? A monster who tagged Nicki in their Instagram story without any response? A monster who questioned their worth and if they cared a little too much in the first place and who spent an entire winter avoiding cookies and drinking green juices and just generally growing out of touch with their own monster-hood?

Why not rap about that monster, Nicki?

Having said that, dear reader, the second half of the verse is tough. Nicki’s Barbie and Roman personas duel, with Barbie spelling out “F-U-C-K” then saying it for real one line later, and Nicki using Roman as a stand-in to boast about her wealth, noting that even her “pockets” are eating cheeseca–.

Christ.

She did this on purpose, didn’t she? Cheesecake?! Are you kidding me? I know, I know, “cheese” is slang for money or whatever but so is dough and like a million other things. Would it have been such a stretch to say “my pockets eating chocolate chip cookies”? Let’s just move on.

I will say, I do like the “Pink wig, thick ass, give ’em whiplash” part (it’s hot?) But why, Nicki, after sixteen bars, references to cheesecake and candy, and hints at two bogus “monsters,” why won’t you mention Cookie Monster? Like I said, I’ve always been a big fan. And this is what I get? A legendary 16-bar jaunt that doesn’t name drop me once, goes out of its way not to mention me, one of America’s greatest monsters?

You know what, Nicki? Your verse is great and all, but F-U-C-K you. I’m going to listen to Cardi and eat some C-O-O-K-I-E-S, because I’m a motherfucking monster.