Four Principles of Diligent White Friendship
By: Francisco Pucciarello
Tags: Race, Racial Justice, Educate Yourself, BlackLivesMatter, White Privilege

Photo by visuals on Unsplash

“You’re White, I don’t want you going to an HBCU,” your dad tells you on the day you’re applying to college. Your supervisor thinks all the protests for Black Lives are nonsense, “If she wasn’t doing anything wrong, she wouldn’t have had any issues with the police.” “Just remember you have to marry your own.” Grandma said after she claimed she doesn’t mind you dating outside of your race.

How do we know when to voice our rejection to these forms of racism? To what extent do we react? These two big questions in my journey of being a good White friend have plagued me for years. And what I hear everywhere from protests to classrooms is that they’ve been plaguing many others for years also. Being that there are so many complicated social agendas that intersect in 2020, it is without doubt difficult to decipher when and how to act when someone decides to intentionally or unintentionally do something racist.

The main reason that interrupting daily occurrences of racism is two-fold. For one, it is intersectional. Racism can live in your home amidst those you love, forcing you to see it every day. It can happen at work, creating uncomfortable power dynamics. You can witness it between strangers. The sheer quantity of these “intersections” is what leads to the second fold of the issue we face in addressing daily occurrences of racism, which is that there is no existing framework for us to deal with racism. Like when boys are young, they are told not to hit girls; it becomes a part of their cultural narrative to respect women. We have no cultural narrative to intervene with racism. Other than just being a stand-up kind of person, of course, we have nothing set up to help push us through the hesitation of deciding when to act.

By no means am I here to give any reader the be-all-end-all solution to intervening in situations of racism, because I know how dynamic some situations are. This however is a palatable framework that is very easy to follow. There are four principles.

The four principles are directly taken from something I have been studying for over two years — the martial art of Wing Tsun, Kung Fu. Before we connect the dots, there are two assumptions to remember in Wing Tsun (pronounced Wing Chun). The first assumption is that a practitioner’s opponent is bigger and stronger than them (like racism), but with abidance to the four principles even a small person (an anti-racist) can defeat a larger, stronger opponent (racist thought, ideas and actions — the system of racism at large). The second assumption is that there is constant forward pressure of the practitioner’s hands (diligently addressing instances of racism around you). With these two assumptions in mind, I’ll apply these principles to interrupting racism in our daily lives.

The First Principle:

If the way is clear, then go forward.

In the heated, rapidly moving exchange of a fist fight, the moment your opponent has their guard down, the way has become clear for you to strike. You’ve won that exchange because you hit your target. If your opponent never had their guard up, it was an easy win.

As a White friend, it’s also an easy win under the first principle. At work for example, if someone doesn’t say anything racist to or about anyone in the office or in general, then there is nothing to address. This hopefully looks like most days for you. Living or working in a place that offends your anti-racist values is cumbersome not just for those who racism directly affects, but for you too. Existing is an environment where racism goes uninterrupted negatively affects your quality of life. You cannot go forward as a White friend if racism exists around you. Ever.

The second principle:

If there is an obstruction, then stick to it (until the way is clear to go forward).

In the physical exchange of fighting, if your opponent has their guard up and you are looking for a way to punch their face, you have to find a way past their guard. In Wing Tsun, whenever we get ourselves into a self-defense predicament where we are unsure which hand or foot technique to use, we always say in the very least, “send hands forwards.” Our hands then inevitable meet the hands of our opponent, which is when we stick our hands to their hands until we find a way to remove the obstruction just enough to punch them in the face.

Applying the second principle to interrupting racism assumes that someone has said something or done something that triggers our anti-racist receptors. We aren’t going to just “take to punch” and do nothing — we have to “send hands forward” in some way. Although it may be intimidating to address racism directly, it is important to realize it is not some big bad abstract idea. Racism is specific — it is words said and actions made. So our interruption must be in kind — specific, while sticking to the words said and actions made.

If a loved one says something surprisingly off-putting, for example, and you are unsure whether or not it was intended to be racist, then “sending hands forward” may look like asking a question for clarity, while putting assumptions aside. If there was a misunderstanding, a simple clarifying question could be all that’s needed to “make the way clear.” In the very least, this is establishing forward pressure. This helps people readjust their tone or be more specific with their words.

Say you’ve expressed your desire to go to Howard University for school because you like a certain program there and Dad says, “I’m not sure I want you in that kind of environment.” The obstruction you have to stick to in this scenario is finding out what Dad meant by his statement. Asking for clarity may be all you need to do in order to be comfortable with dad’s opinion. If dad’s reason for not approving your choice of Howards is because he doesn’t want you to be in a big school so far away from home, then racism is not the problem you have to try and solve. Dad never threw a punch, so there’s no need to fight.

However, let’s say Dad did denounce Howard for being an historically Black University, “I just want you to be able to focus you know? You may get distracted by all that… ‘culture’.” Now, it’s definitely not being about too far from home. It would be easy to, “Whatever, Dad,” your way out of it. But then you walk away feeling a slap in the face and have abandoned you anti-racist values. What he said is what you need to stick to — your first obstruction. There’s a lot to dissect there in the “culture” comment. The Socratic method works very well to help you stick, just don’t lose your forward pressure. Depending on your relationship with dad, it may take time for you to help him see that the “culture” comment is what’s driving a wedge into your communication. When he does concede to the comment being offensive and apologizes, you have one the exchange. Until he swings again. Whenever a strike comes, remember your forward pressure.

The Third Principle:

If the force is greater, then give way (until the way is clear to go forward).

Again, in the fight, your opponent is bigger and stronger than you and they want to hurt you, their punch is so strong that simply sending your hands forward many not be enough and you have to apply the third principle. Give way with a turn or some sort of footwork until the way is clear to punch them in the face.

You’ve either asked for clarity and the person is standing by whatever racist nonsense they said, or you didn’t need to ask for clarity because the racism was so apparent. You’ve applied pressure by stating that you don’t agree with the things that were said or done and that you won’t tolerate it, but they are staying strong in their conviction.

It would be ideal to have a positive relationship with your mother-in-law, but she is dead set on her racist opinion that the black woman shot by police in the news deserved it. As a White freind, your anti-racist antennae shoot up. Going head to head with such blatant racism is usually always a losing battle for the anti-racist. This is because your mother in-law’s opinion about the shooting is not an isolated opinion. No matter the situation, we have to realize the “greater force” behind blatant racism comes from years and years of conditioning in a country with complex racist policies and ideologies.

You should still stick to each obstruction she gives you, but don’t expect always to land a punch. Instead of battling her for the rest of your life, you may need give way and offer other perspectives about completely unrelated issues. Have your in-law make small agreements in other conversations that build up their humanity in other ways. Hit from different angles. Then, when you have more confidence about the way being clear, “deliver the punch” later on with, “So, now can you see where I was coming from last thanksgiving when I was trying to tell you about that women who got shot by police?” It may be five more holiday seasons worth of “giving way” until you finally are able to deliver a punch, but you have done your job in applying forward pressure as a White friend.

Note: encountering an obviously bigoted person who has little to no value in your life, and whose racist force is great, will be a perfect way to give way and not pay any attention to them ever again. Let them fight themself.

The Fourth Principle:

If they retreat, then follow.

In fighting the fourth principle assumes that if you land a punch, your opponent will most likely step back because it hurt them, you have to fill the space created by their back step. This is to continue the fight if they are still a potential threat.

If by chance, or tactful skill, you land a solid antiracist “punch” by making someone acknowledge a wrongdoing or even apologizing, what you have done is made them retreat from their originally racist idea. “After all these years, you were right, I was being racist when I said those things.” They have taken a step back. And now, the job isn’t over — because they can still do harm to you or someone else now or later. In this instance, the fourth principle necessitates you to continue moving forward … because the way is clear to do so!

Applying the fourth principle to being a White friend is where we find accountability. Whether, it’s your supervisor, dad, your in-law or whoever, give them a book for Christmas about anti-racism. Or, you can follow up after their concession, “I was thinking about our conversation and it made me feel really good that we were able to agree, what do you think about ____.” Create space for another exchange, if the way is clear then go forward, then great, and if not… you know what to do.

Note: Going forward, especially after someone has conceded, needs to be done with tact. Remember, this is not an actual Wing Tsun fight — allowing people to grow and building common ground is also very important. The reason you have an obstruction at all is because this person has to be in your life for some reason, otherwise, let them be gone.

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When we join protests and when we demand change in our own small ways at work, at home, and with friends we are applying forward pressure whenever we confront racism face-to-face. Our actions may be small, but each time we offer an interruption and stick to racist obstructions, we are putting a wrench in the system that propels racism — we are providing an opportunity for people to concede to our awesome anti-racist Wing Tsun, Kung Fu!