What does it mean to be a dad?. In 6 months’ time, I’m due to become a…
Tags: Dads, Pregnancy, Parenting, Fatherhood, Fathers

In 6 months’ time, I’m due to become a dad for the first time.

I’ve hardly had time to get used to the idea but already it’s been a truly singular experience. Whether the sheer excitement of making the decision with L to try for a baby, the giddy-happiness of seeing two faint blue lines a month later, the thrill of a baby-like-shape shifting and wiggling on a grainy screen, or the near-daily surges of anxiety, fear and worry at what might go wrong, every one of these moments over the past few months has had an emotional intensity that nothing had prepared me for.

I like that saying about history that in some decades nothing happens but in some weeks decades happen. Over the last few months, it feels like there has been quite a few of those weeks. What matters to you, the sense of who you are, who others are to you — during pregnancy, the world shifts on its axes, starts to spin at a different speed. And it’s difficult to keep up.

At this point, our baby is barely the size of an apple, but it can exert so much force already. The very basic facts of the situation feel unfathomable — like, there’ll be a human in this world in 6 months time who will be totally dependent on me and their mum, for everything. At certain moments, things like this hit me like a blunt impact to the head — they leave me totally up-ended. Of course, it’s really exciting and there’s real joy too. But it’s also incredibly unsettling — and amid all the happiness and the practical changes, less is said about this.

Perhaps people don’t talk about how big these changes are and what they mean because you don’t really get much time to reflect during a time of such intense change and worry. Between work, your relationship, and the other important things in your life, it’s hard enough to even get a grip on those moments of really intense immediate emotion never mind find the time to reflect on how these changes are affecting you and what’s important. But then again, what I’ve heard from so many dads and dads-to-be is that they know that these changes are happening. To some extent, everyone is thinking about it. “Fatherhood changes you” is a statement that I’ve heard and read so many times in the last few weeks. But, at the same time, I’m not sure that many people are really consciously working out how, nevermind talking about this

If I was to give one reason above all others, this is why I want to try to write about fatherhood. I don’t feel like there are many dads who have good answers to these questions. And, there’s not much support for dad’s around this either. Certainly from the conversations i’ve been having, the books i’ve been reading, and podcasts I’ve been listening to, while there’s some really good stuff out there, there’s so much that is emotionally disconnected and un-reflective.

I’ve found this bit surprising. If you asked me to count the number of people I know who were pleased with their relationship with their father when they were growing up, I wouldn’t need two hands. And yet I’ve barely read anything, or had a meaningful conversation with anyone, that directly recognises this when talking about what being a father means.

There’s so many questions that I want to ask and so few places where there seems to be any good answers. When I think of that incredibly small, vulnerable human entering this world in 6 months’ time, I feel scared and anxious. Not only for them because of the intense physical and emotional support they’ll need to survive, and then thrive. But, if i’m honest, also for me. How am i going to cope, how am I going to be emotionally available for them, for my partner, for myself?