Talking to Them is Like Talking to A Dream.
By: Lisa Martens
Tags: Growing Up, Relationships, Love, Childhood, Mental Health

Talking to Them is Like Talking to A Dream.

Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash

Talking to them is like talking to a dream. You try to hold on. You ask about what they said. They look at you, confused. Didn’t they say they had a job, an event? No, they say. What are you talking about?

It’s always been like this. As a child, you knew not to hold onto their moods. You knew only that you seem to always lose. The rules change in their favor. All the time, every day. You are wrong. Your judgment is wrong.

They take drugs. They try to kill themselves. Then they say it all never happened. They look at you with a wrinkled forehead. You can’t push the issue. It’s a trap. The angrier you become, the more crazy you look.

This is how it was. You grow up. You don’t know how to hold people accountable for their actions. You’ve stopped trusting your own judgment. You accept whatever comes your way — relationships, jobs. You’re drifting. You have no direction. You’ve learned that if you have a direction, it’s wrong.

What you want doesn’t matter — You are a doll, a reflection of them. You want astrology readings; you get new dresses — You want a laid back party; you get a large event — You want to be left alone; you get poked and prodded and asked why you want to hurt other people’s feelings.

Then you start to figure things out. You start to see healthy relationships and realize there are words for what you went through. You realize you were around sick and traumatized people. It feels unfair. But screaming about how unfair it all was won’t do a damn thing.

Talking to them is not like talking to a dream. It’s like talking to a nightmare. You’re not allowed to exist. You’re not allowed to have your own memories, your own opinions.

You’re told that hurt people hurt people. What a cop-out, you think. Maybe one day you’ll forgive, but it’s not going to be right now.

You slowly realize you weren’t wrong for the following: having feelings, having your own memories, having your own dreams.

You aren’t wrong for saying no. You aren’t wrong for going where you want, when you want. You’re not wrong for wanting your own life. You’re not wrong if you don’t want to do what someone else wants you to do.

Once you realize you were not wrong for these things, you begin to explore the possibility of making your own life…and not thinking it makes you bad or selfish.

It’s strange. It’s nice. It’s a huge weight off. It’s confusing. At first, you feel like surely you’ll be cursed or doomed for it…but surprisingly, things fall into place.

Finally, you’re becoming yourself.

They seem far away now, those dreams.

They were people who were sick, who were hurt, who didn’t know what they were doing, and so they took it out on you.

It wasn’t right, but you can start to breathe through it now. If you have kids, now you know. Those tendencies, those bad learned behaviors — they might be in there somewhere. Now you’re aware. Now you know the difference between a life lived in guilt and a life lived in power.

They try to suck you in, over and over. But it doesn’t work now. Now you have boundaries. Your own opinion. Now you realize you don’t need to explain yourself. They don’t even have to agree. They can talk about what you should do all day every day.

It doesn’t matter.

The only thing that matters is what you want to do with your life.

Reality — not a dream, not a nightmare, but a series of facts, actions, and consequences just waiting to be embraced.

And a life that is all yours.