The Fault in our Stars (Kind of)
Tags: Anger, Sad, Nostalgia, Horoscopes, Family

I read my horoscope for the month of July today. While it isn’t effective, not until for the next few days, it certainly snapped a twig in me. It was quiet crunch but I certainly heard it. The horoscope talked about my melancholy and unhealthy amount of nostalgia. It called me out for being my sappy old Scorpio self. In my defense, it’s hard to not flip back pages when change is so near that I can feel its presence fast approaching. Metamorphosis is there. I can only widen my arms, waiting for it occupy the cavity in my embrace. I may be metamorphosing a full time job or something but you get the point.

Not to burst your bubble but I’m not here to talk about spring and all those talk about thriving. I’m here to talk about what makes me resentful of my past. Basically, I’m writing a letter to the universe. When the going gets tough and we have nobody to blame, we point our fingers at the stars. I want the them to know why I’ve been dwelling on the past. I want whoever is listening to know what makes my fists ball and heart ache.

To clarify my case, I saw a family photo on Instagram. The family’s out on a luxurious stay-cation at one of the pioneer hotels in Manila for the couple’s wedding anniversary. Now, I wouldn’t feel such sentiments if they’re strangers to me. The family in the Instagram photos are closely associated with me. Instead of feeling happy, I wasn’t. I took my time, swiping right at each photo to get a good look at their smiles. And then, I stared at the daughter’s smile. She must be in bliss for her parents to reach another milestone in their marriage. She must be elated to be surrounded by heaps of love. Lucky for her, she knows what love looks like.

It’s bad to covet, I know. It’s hard not to when I know I could have been that girl. I could’ve had a complete family picture in my Instagram. Heck, I could’ve had those Christmas greetings on Facebook with your family member’s faces over questionable matching clothes. I could’ve had known love’s face from the start and saved my time from staying at relationships that look like my parents’. I could’ve known that tolerating someone’s anger doesn’t equate as love but only a reenactment of one of my parents’ fights. I could’ve spent time in one of those lavish stay-cation trips with my family. Instead of having two birthdays (it’s fun, still), I could just have one. Instead of going to my father’s place for the Christmas and my mom’s for New Year, we could’ve celebrated the holidays together. It would’ve been easy to complete assignments asking for a family photo. I could’ve had the luxury of having a complete family.

My allergy medication’s making my eyelids drop but I’m far too furious to sleep peacefully. I want whichever omnipotent being to know that I am nostalgic of something they’ve taken away from me. I want them to stop asking me questions about my sensitivity. I want them to know that I am mad about something that happened a couple of years ago.

I am mad that destiny made two persons meet only to draw them away from each other. I am mad that my maternal family insisted my father marries my mom because he knocked her up. I am mad that decisions were made without another thought. I am mad that I had to grow up quickly so I could protect my brother, even going as far as using myself as his shield. I am mad that all the support and concern washed in when the news broke amongst my family because I could have been the normal niece, not the one “we have to take care more of”. Pity left a musk that I didn’t enjoy.

However, I am glad my parents split up. There’s no point in staying in a marriage that didn’t feel like one anymore. The annoucement of annulment was definitely unpleasant because I always thought that there isn’t anything stronger than love. Turns out, I just grew up around too many fairytales and make-believe. In the real world, love fades. We do shitty things that hurt the ones who love us. Sometimes, selfish partners cheat on their faithful wives. The family sinks into the dark old sea until one decides to kick his feet and drag everybody to shore. It’s been years since it happened. Certain arrangements have been made to keep peace. Mutual respect is the key for the two parties. All is well but sometimes, seeing pictures like that leave a bitter after taste in your mouth and you can’t help but be angry again.