How You Can Help A Loved One Who Is Depressed
By: Elizabeth Collins
Tags: Helping Others, Suicide, Relationships, Mental Health, Depression

I’ve struggled with depression since my early 20’s. At my worst, I was diagnosed with major clinical depression. I’ve tried to kill myself several times. Over the years I’ve tried a lot of different things to deal with it — some were helpful and others not so much. One thing I’ve learned was how important it was to confide in the right person. Having a good person to talk to can be the difference between staying alive and getting better, or dying.

Many people have no idea that what they say or don’t say can have a big impact on a depressed and/or suicidal person. A few months ago my brother-in-law shot and killed himself. At his funeral, I heard his friends say, “he told me that he was worried about money, but I never thought it was so bad that he’d kill himself”. My sister told me that the worst thing about her husband’s suicide was knowing that he felt so hopeless and she didn’t know it.

How can a spouse, a sibling, a best friend NOT know? It’s simple. Most suicidal people don’t tell anyone that they’re thinking about killing themselves. We don’t want people to know. So how can you help? By paying attention when someone talks.

They may not say “I’m very depressed and I’ve been thinking about killing myself,” so you need to listen for clues.

Any time someone tells you that they’re struggling with something, pay attention. If they say they’re worried, angry, sad, anxious, or stressed, that means they’re struggling. Listen to them and try to get more information about how much it’s bothering them. Ask questions to find out if they know how to deal with it. You might not be comfortable talking about emotions, but don’t think that it can’t be that serious. It can.

If someone talks about the same problem each time you talk to them, assume that it bothers them a lot. They probably don’t know how to solve it or they would’ve done that already.

If they talk about something that most people would think is a big deal, assume that it is. For example, most people would worry about losing their job, getting divorced, or a major health problem.

If a person has had a major tragedy/life event, assume that they need someone to talk to.

Knowing someone well can help you gauge how much something is bothering them. Are they acting different? Is there an area of their life that they tend to dwell on? Relationship problems are the #1 reason for suicide. If they’ve been having marriage problems, have they been talking about it more often recently?

Relationships, health and finances are typical areas of concern for most people. If there is a problem in any of these areas, assume that the person might need some support. They may need guidance, reassurance that they’ll be okay, or simply to know that you love them.

You can’t use your feelings about it as an indicator of problems. If it wouldn’t bother you, that doesn’t matter. What matters is if THEY are upset about it.

For example, my brother-in-law was always worried about money. He always tried to save money. He was very conscious about anything related to money. So, any problem or perceived problem with money was an area to pay attention to.

If a person’s behavior changes a lot, this is another clue that something major might be wrong. A person who is normally outgoing who starts isolating themselves is a red flag. If someone is usually dependable and they start coming to work late, ask them about it. If they start to drink or use drugs more than before, that can be a sign that they’re trying to numb themselves.

A few other things to watch for are: crying, becoming apathetic, saying they’re tired all the time, sleeping a lot less or a lot more.

Photo by Trung Thanh on Unsplash

What you can do if someone confides in you about being depressed?

You can help by listening, showing sympathy, and letting them know that you’ll be there for them no matter what happens. You can’t go wrong by telling them that you care and they’re important to you.

Suggest they talk to someone with knowledge that might help them. It can be a therapist, a financial adviser, someone in a religious or spiritual position, or someone who has been through a similar experience.

If you have some ideas for how they might solve their problem, that MIGHT be helpful. Be careful with this, though. I’ve had people tell me what I should do when they had almost no experience with my specific problem. Bad advice doesn’t help, it can make things worse.

If there is any physical problem that might be making things worse, try to help them fix it. Lack of sleep makes most problems seem much worse. I’ve learned to tell myself “you just need some sleep. Get through today and get a good night’s sleep. You can think about it when you’re well-rested”. I almost always feel better the next day.

Likewise, if someone is in physical pain, emotional pain seems much worse. Help them get the physical pain under control as soon as possible.

Sometimes depression is caused by a person’s thoughts, sometimes it’s a physical problem with their brain. Anti-depressants can help by boosting certain neurotransmitters, but often that’s not enough. Encourage them to talk to a therapist in addition to taking anti-depressants. They might have to try a few different therapists before they find one that they’re comfortable talking to. Don’t let them give up.

Belonging to a group is good for most people. Support groups are helpful if someone is open to them — if they can’t go to one in person there are online groups. Facebook has a lot of groups, Twitter and Instagram have hashtags that help you find people. There are almost always others who have been through a similar experience.

If they don’t want to join a support group, suggest a group related to something they’re interested in. Meetup.com is a good site for finding groups.

Pets can help people through a lot of bad things. Their unconditional love and dependence on us are powerful reasons for us to get out of bed every day. At some of my lowest points, I stayed alive because I knew my cats wouldn’t have a home if I died. If your loved one can have a pet, suggest they get one. Go with them to pick one out. Make sure that it’s a pet that they can easily care for, though. If taking care of it is overwhelming, it defeats the purpose.

Encourage them to exercise. If they’re depressed, they may not have much energy, so this can be a hard sell. Offer to go to the gym or go walking with them if you can. Buy them a Fitbit. Activity increases the “feel good” chemicals in our brain. If they reach fitness goals it gives them a reason to feel good. It made a huge difference for me.

Depressed people often don’t know how to manage their thoughts and emotions. They may not have good problem-solving or conflict resolution skills. Their thoughts aren’t always realistic. They need to know that their problems aren’t insurmountable. They need a concrete way to deal with them. Again, a therapist might be a good idea for this.

The thing that a severely depressed person needs most is HOPE.

Suicide is about being in a lot of emotional pain, and not seeing a way out. The times when I tried to kill myself, I just wanted the pain to stop. My thinking was distorted, and I didn’t see any solution. All that I could think about was what was wrong with my life. Give them a reason to have hope.

What Not to Do

DO NOT tell them that they’re stupid, too sensitive, weak, over-reacting, etc. It’s one of the worst things you can tell someone.

Don’t tell them that it’s not a big deal or that they’ll be “fine”. That minimizes their concerns and makes them feel foolish for having them. Let them know that you understand why it bothers them and try to help them to find a solution.

Don’t spend a lot of time talking about yourself. Yes, it’s great if you can tell them something you learned that helped you, but keep it brief. If you spend too much time talking about yourself, it seems like you’re not interested in them. The person is talking to you because they need to talk about THEIR problem, not because they want to talk about you.

Don’t suggest coping methods like getting drunk or high. Most people are more emotional in these states. Not a good idea.

Don’t tell them the solution is to quit their job, or to leave someone. These are major decisions that a person needs to make for themselves. Suggest they make these decisions when they’re in a good place mentally and emotionally.

Suicide Clues

Suicide is often a reaction to fear — fear of being alone, fear of losing everything, fear of rejection, fear of not fitting in, or the fear that a miserable situation will never change.

If they say anything like the following, consider it a sign:

“I just want it to stop”, “I want to die”, “I want the pain to stop”, “I’m so miserable and I don’t know what to do”, “I feel like I’m in a bottomless pit and I can’t get out”. And obviously, “I’ll just kill myself”. It’s better to be too cautious than to ignore these comments.

If they say these things when they’re angry, don’t assume that they’re okay because they’re not sad. Many men get angry when they feel like no one cares, and killing themselves is a way of saying “you don’t want me around? Well, fuck you”. Anger is just as dangerous as depression.

If someone talks about suicide in any way, don’t leave them alone for long periods, especially if they have access to drugs or a gun. A determined person can find a lot of ways to kill themselves, but some are easier than others. Don’t let them have easy access to these things. I believe if my brother-in-law didn’t have access to a gun, he would still be alive.

If someone has been very depressed and you notice that they’re sleeping for an unusual length of time, or they haven’t shown up somewhere when they were supposed to, check on them. If you call them and they don’t answer, go to their home if you can.

If you’re at their home, check to make sure they’re breathing normally. Most drug overdoses kill the person by lowering their respiration to the point where they stop breathing. If you’re in doubt, try to wake them up. If they seem extremely sedated, get them to sit up and talk to you.

If it’s difficult to wake them up, but they do become conscious, don’t leave them alone. If you can’t stay with them, find someone who can or ask them to come home with you.

If they stay awake for a little bit, that doesn’t mean they’re okay. Even if they stay awake for an hour, that doesn’t mean that the risk is over. If the original problem is still the same, they can decide to try again after you leave. I’ve done that.

If you can’t wake someone up or they can’t stay awake, call 911 or take them to the hospital. The best idea is calling 911 since the EMT’s can help them as soon as they arrive on the scene.

Many of us don’t feel comfortable making a big deal about things. We don’t want to call 911 and find out that we were wrong & the person is okay. They might get upset with us. We don’t want to ask them if they’re thinking about suicide & have them say “I’d never do that! Why would you think I would?” It can make us feel like we overreacted.

It doesn’t matter. You can get over awkwardness or embarrassment. Once someone kills themselves, you can’t go back in time. But you’ll wish you could.

Suicide Prevention Hotline:

Call 1–800–273-TALK (1–800–273–8255)

Use the online Lifeline Crisis Chat

Here are links with helpful information about depression and suicide.

https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org

https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org

Anxiety and Depression Association of America

https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/depression/symptoms

Centers for Disease Control

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/suicide/index.html

National Institute of Mental Health

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/men-and-depression/index.shtml#pub2

Suicide Prevention Resource Center

https://www.sprc.org