What Your Number of Pillows Says About You
By: Dustin Mark
Tags: Humor, Pillows, Personality, Bedding, Satire

You’ve decided to take the plunge into adulthood and invest in a new bed. Thanks to a stack of mostly expired Bed Bath & Beyond coupons you have all but finished customizing your new bed/desk/dinner table. But there’s one issue left: how many pillows are you supposed to adorn it with? This question is more important than you may realize. Here’s what how many pillows you have says about your personality.

0 pillows: While you run the risk of appearing as if you can’t afford a pillow, or are too lazy to buy a pillow, make no mistake about it: your pillowlessness is a choice. A pillowless sleeper believes in nothing but the basics and relishes the benefits of night of supine slumber (a direct view of the stars, a healthy back, etc.). This sleeper is also known for his/her resourcefulness, often turning what he has into a makeshift pillow if necessary.

1 pillow: This is the simple sleeper. The single-pillow owner is a trusting, intimate person who doesn’t need variety or decadence. This is a committed relationship sleeper, not a fling sleeper.

2–3 pillows: Statistically America prefers to sleep with between two and three pillows, which offers advantages in physical and emotional comfort. There are several combinations that lend themselves to a fun night, such as two by the head and one between the legs, two by the head and one held in an embrace, or even three beneath the head. Explore the options. Two-to-three is the standard for a reason and will likely be the dominant figure in American bedrooms for years to come.

4–5 pillows: Having this many pillows on your bed suggests an anxiety that in the future you may need more pillows than you have available. Pillows four and five are arguably not crucial to a night’s sleep, but they sure do come in handy when you’re trying to accommodate a bedfellow while not limiting your own comfort. This sleeper is always ready for a pillow fight — if not always suggesting one.

6–9 pillows: This is a good range if you have certain problems in your brachial plexus or subclavian artery, such as thoracic outlet syndrome or cervical radiculopathy, that require substantial neck support. Having this many pillows will allow your bones to settle comfortably and reduce the risk of a pinched nerve. Plus, depending on your exact plan, many insurance networks will cover pillows with doctor’s approval.

How many pillows do you see? (Hint: there are more than you think)

10–12 pillows: This range indicates that hoarding is in your blood, though you likely refuse to accept it. If you fall within this window you better have a bed large enough to accommodate all those pillows. This often works best with your bed pushed into the corner of the room, to reduce the risk of the pillows falling on the floor and to soften the impact of the wall on your frail bones.

13–19 pillows: This is the perfect number of pillows for the sleeper with a large bed and an even larger imagination. Think of each pillow as an opportunity for an adventure (an adventure of comfort!). Keep in mind that the washing of pillowcases will now become more of a chore, but you also have more freedom with pillowcase designs or themes. Maybe a pillow family tree, wherein each pillow represents a relative? Or are you an American history buff? Consider an original colony-themed arrangement. You could even keep each pillow in its corresponding geographic location, resting your feet on the Georgia pillow and keeping the northern half of the Massachusetts pillow between your head and the headboard. Let the waves of the Atlantic Ocean be your sweet lullaby.

20–44 pillows: You are an opulent sleeper. You accept nothing but the softest nights and you put comfort above all else. Be careful, though, as with any number north of 30 you run the risk of burying yourself in the pillows, possibly suffocating beneath them. If you do purchase this many pillows, be sure to remain alert to your oxygen exposure, and be prepared with a bedside inhaler or paper bag in the event of mishap.

45–49 pillows: Having this many pillows suggests that you might be trying to be “the pillow guy,” but your effort is transparent and you’re better off having as many pillows as you need, not as you think people want you to have. What are you even going to do with 45 pillows? Do you use exactly 45 pillows to sleep? Didn’t think so.

50–74 pillows: This is a great number of pillows to have if you a) sell pillows on the side, or b) plan on starting an orphanage out of your apartment.

75+ pillows: This is too many pillows, even if you’re starting an orphanage out of your apartment.