The Curse of “Should” and What to Say Instead
By: Erin O Neil
Tags: Mindfulness, Wellness, Self Talk, Covid 19, Self

I was sitting on my couch, indulging in some Black Raspberry Chip, watching the last episode of Tiger King (because I had to see what everyone else was talking about and then ended up rubbernecking the rest of it), when a thought popped into my head, I should really stop eating ice cream every night. The thought was all too familiar and, quite frankly, one I often ignore. I mean, it’s my life, my pint, right?

But then, in a moment of clarity, I asked myself why. Why is it that I should stop eating ice cream at night? Because it’s not healthy? Because it’s an unnecessary expense? Because it’s just too freaking cliché to sit on a couch in my underwear watching Tiger King? Quarantine or not, I was falling into a pit of self doubt. Here’s where I went wrong:

“Should” is a dangerous word and needs to be removed from our vocabulary effective immediately.

The word “should” implies that we’re supposed to be doing something other than what we’re doing right now; that whatever it is we’re currently occupied with is unworthy or meaningless. “Should” attaches itself to external motivations rather than encouraging a healthy relationship with your own needs. Lemme ‘splain.

When I said, “I should stop eating ice cream every night,” it wasn’t because I actually wanted to restrain myself from diving into the world’s tastiest ice cream. I promise you, I had no second thoughts about how much I was enjoying that. No, it was because I knew that eating ice cream wasn’t going to help me lose the extra pounds I feel compelled to shed for the betterment of my post-quarantine debut and, perhaps more importantly, my pants. That’s right, my brain suggested I stop eating ice cream every night because it was worried about one thing and one thing only: my appearance.

By saying “should”, I was reflecting what someone else might want for or expect of me, rather than what I genuinely wanted.

Look, social distancing is hard and COVID-19 has thrown us into some uncertain circumstances. I mean, I’m cooped up with a body builder who lives off of mashed potatoes and mac and cheese. And let me tell you, my metabolism doesn’t work like his. Not even at half the pace. Plus, this has been quite an emotionally draining and at times stressful experience. So, yeah, I’ve put on a few pounds. And it sometimes feels like a slap in the face when I see myself in the mirror or try to stuff my thighs into leggings. But here’s the real truth behind why it hurts:

When all this is over, I presume that people are going to notice I don’t look the same, and whether or not it’s conscious, I assume they will judge me for it.

Let’s recap: the reason I dread seeing my reflection is because I’m worried about what other people will think when social distancing lifts and the world starts to function again. My fear is that I’ll be perceived as the girl who couldn’t keep her life together enough to make healthier choices. I’m assuming that to other people it will appear as though I did nothing for over a month but sit on my couch in my underwear eating ice cream. See where I’m going with this? The underlying reason for my “should” was anyone except myself.

I love what fitness, life, and food freedom coach Mik Zazon says about that totally normal beautiful extra bit of weight you might carry. “It’s your life. It’s the late night pizza with friends, your favorite memories, travel, and freedom.” It’s what happens when you’re living a life filled with the things that bring you joy. Even if what brings you joy is working out, we’ve all been here at one point or another.

These extra few pounds are the time I’ve spent decompressing from my otherwise chaotic and, honestly, overwhelming lifestyle. It’s eating regular, full meals rather than a granola bar (or, worse, nothing at all) on the run from one appointment to another. It’s the hours of writing and further development of my business, the lazy hours of watching Netflix to distract myself from how crushing the world can feel right now, and the quality time I get to spend with loved ones. It’s the evenings on my balcony, sipping a glass of wine, wondering what the world will be like when this is all over.

“Should” has a tendency to encourage us to forget about what makes us happy.

Right now, those extra few spoonfuls of ice cream and afternoon naps are bringing joy to my life. So are the evening walks with my boyfriend and the occasional run when I find the energy. Yes, everything in moderation, and life is about balance, but right now, if a little bit of Graeter’s adds enjoyment to my day, then to the freezer I go. Not to mention, that “should” is a pretty meaningless intention. More often than not, after we say we should be doing something, we say, “but it can wait,” or, “but it doesn’t matter right now.” Oh, you really think I was going to put down the ice cream after thinking to myself that I should? That’s cute.

Take a moment to think about something you regularly say that you should be doing. Is it something you want? Or is it what others want for or expect of you? Is it something that’s important to you? Or does it merely serve to present you in an ideal way to the rest of the world? But, more importantly, would the thing you should be doing actually make you happy?

Instead of “should”, try using one of the following:

“I want…”

“It is important to me that I…”

“I find value in doing…”

“It would be meaningful for me to…”

It will bring me joy to…”

This is not a time to inflict guilt for not doing the things you feel compelled to in the name of fitting in with, relating to, or impressing others. There is never a time for that, but especially not now. You are an incredible, beautiful, and worthy person who deserves to focus on the joy in your own life rather than compare to the joys of others. Just because your neighbor goes for a socially distant run, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with watching another episode of Tiger King. Your neighbor is not you, and you are not your neighbor. So, instead of “should”ing your way into doing something your neighbor might do, think about what would bring you joy and go do that, instead.