Adventures in Anxiety: Why parenthood makes me anxious.
By: Sarah Carr
Tags: Perfectionism, Parenthood, Anxiety, Mental Health, Adoption

But here is where my anxiety-brain does me a great disservice — even though I have data to the contrary that I have abilities and qualities that would make me a good parent and that I’m resilient despite my mental illness, those demons and devils are all whispering in my ears, “Who do you think you are? You’re not good enough to do this. You’re not deserving enough to do this. You’re much better staying as you are.”

When I think about welcoming adopted children into the family I’m even tougher on myself. Though there are many, many wrong assumptions and myths about adopted children, especially older ones (again, future blog post), even the happiest, most well-adjusted adopted child — and their adoptive parents — go through a major adjustment and life disruption. Who am I, someone who has the flaws that I have, to think that I’m ready to be that perfect parent for these hypothetical children?

Perfect — that’s the word that trips me up. Perfection is a mirage in the desert, just beyond my reach.

I’m always ready to do. the. work.

In her book The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown shares ten guideposts, things we can cultivate so we can let go of our perfectionism. Some of those guideposts come more naturally to me after years (years!) of doing and being. For example, I spent much of 2015 learning how to ease into play and relaxation, and these days I can devote time to open-ended or non- (less?) goal-oriented activities. Anxiety has also helped me to let go of what other people think and be most concerned about how I feel about myself. But when I think about what prevents me from embracing motherhood, some of her guideposts still stand out as areas for exploration and action:

Cultivate self-compassion: Brown writes that self-compassion comes from three things: self-kindness (being warm and understanding, not caught up in self-criticism), common humanity (no one is alone; we all go through difficult times), and mindfulness (staying neutral or accepting to all feelings, even negative feelings). While my work as a coach has helped me embrace common humanity, I would like to develop deeper self-kindness and mindfulness. How can I expect to parent a child/children who will not criticize themselves if they see me model it? How will I be able to keep out of the parent comparison game if I’m not able to look at myself with kindness? And how can I continue to strengthen my practice of sitting in discomfort?

Cultivating intuition and trusting faith: I spent much of my six-plus months of coach certification leaning into my intuition (“Be BOLD!” was my tagline) instead of having to analyze every thought and feeling to determine its validity. It’s not that thinking shouldn’t have a place in coaching — or in life’s big decisions — but it’s that it can crowd out our felt sense of what we know to be true. It’s as if we need all the data points to make sure that we’re on the right track! “I’m a professional pollster,” Brown writes. “[I]t’s hard for me to go it alone sometimes. When I’m making a difficult decision and feel disconnected from my intuition, I have a tendency to survey everyone around me.” While the circle of Who should I survey? has decreased in recent years, I find myself stepping back from my gut, which is telling me You are meant to do this. What will it take for me to stay connected to that instead of my doubts?

Cultivating creativity: Social media and its usage is a hot topic in our household! Last fall I had a come-to-Jesus moment about my social media and decided that I wanted shift from using my Instagram feed as a place to post travel photos to a place where I advocate for mental health, wellness, balance, and general kick-assery. It doesn’t get me as many clicks but it feels like the quality of engagement, both online and off, is much better. Why does this matter? Because social media feeds our desire to compare ourselves with one another — and even though I’m not currently a mom, wow is there a lot of mom-shaming or mom-comparing out there on the Interwebz! There are the familiar Working Mom vs. Stay-At-Home Mom, but beyond that am I Cook All The Meals Mom or Takeout Mom? Am I Creative Crafts Mom or Read In Your Room Mom? When I’m disconnected and focused on the type of parent I’d like to be I get excited by the possibilities (teaching kids fitness! building Lego! all the museums!). But when I focus on comparison, I lose all of the creativity that makes me me.

Cultivating meaningful work: This last guidepost is an odd one for me as I’ve spent the 12+ years of my professional life cultivating meaning professional work, finding my calling as a coach and consultant, connecting with wonderful managers, teammates, and clients, and generally waking up every morning excited to go to work (really). But unfortunately I haven’t had that same sense of calling met in my personal life. I am very happy to be a wife to my best friend in the whole world. I am happy to be a daughter and a sister in my family. I am happy that I have friends who have stood by me throughout everything. The closest I’ve found to a calling in my personal life, though, is being a Big Sister to now 14-year-old Ashly (we celebrate our 3-year Matchiversary in two weeks). I am honored to be a part of her life, to be her friend and mentor, to advocate for her (but now mostly help her advocate for herself!), and to simply spend time together. In some ways, being a Big has been an experience that has helped me understand that you can make a difference in a child’s life, no matter their age. That makes me open and curious to the “call” of parenting, if it is a call I choose to answer.