Listen… Real Love is Messy, Annoying, and Awesome, Okay?
By: Benjamin Sledge
Tags: Love, Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Life Lessons

For the first few years of my marriage, my wife found my jokes endearing and funny. I could get a room going by re-telling mishaps and adventures in our dating life, marriage, stories from my time in the military, or some amusing event that happened in the week. Now when I do the same, her response to the people in the room is “don’t encourage him!“ I first realized something was shifting in our relationship when we went to New Year’s Eve Party at a friend’s house. At the party, they had one of those photo booths where you can take fun pictures. Since the beginning of our relationship, we’d been attending events where we’d end up in these booths and take goofy photos together. That evening, I unbuttoned my shirt for the photo, put the party cap over my face, and started rubbing my nipples. This gesture and subsequent photo didn’t go over well, as evidenced by the featured photo in this article that succinctly captured my wife’s expression. Once again, other people found it amusing, but what she once found funny was now annoying. What I’ve since realized is that as time has continued forward, we’ve both discovered new and similar versions of the other that we sometimes dislike.

I guess that’s the hard part in dating and marriage in the 21st Century. The minute something is no longer endearing, we chalk it up as a red flag, and go on the hunt again. Instead of seeing the messy parts that grate against us or the different stages that emerge, we run right back to the Burger King mentality — I want it my way because I didn’t sign up for version 3.0 that now annoys me. That’s also why I feel bad for those who don’t stick it out to see what type of growth and love emerge from that refining fire. It’s true that the fire melts everything down to its core and you’re laid bare and unbelievably exposed in front of someone else. The prospect of putting your heart in the hand of a person who wields that much power is terrifying, but that’s also what love is — emotional risk and exposure — which is why it makes it so damned messy. And sticking it out when you don’t feel love toward your significant other is the messiest love of all.

When single people ask me how I’ve maintained a strong marriage, they almost romanticize my wife and I’s relationship. It’s like they get a glimpse of Baby Yoda, but never have to stick around for the firefights and insanity that the Mandalorian endures just to keep the little, green Jedi alive. Instead, there’s a lot of messy days where we fall in love all over again and have to keep learning about the other. We have to fight battles, love stretch marks and wrinkles, endure poorly timed jokes, give up a dream so one person can have theirs, and raise some crib midgets who sometimes make you want to drink heavily. It’s an absolute and utter mess, but that’s also the distinct beauty in it.

Often when love gets hard, it’s like someone took a hammer to a bunch of colored glass and started smashing pieces, only to rearrange them. Up close, it’s just shattered glass and a giant mess on the floor. But if you take a moment to step back and move away from the mess, a stain glassed picture appears. All the broken little pieces that have been rearranged in your relationship are suddenly — and strikingly — beautiful. The mess is no longer pronounced, but something far more magnificent takes it’s place:

True love.