3 Magical Ways to Deal with People Who Need to One-Up You
By: Regina Clarke
Tags: Mindfulness, Life Lessons, Courage, Happiness, Personal Development

What does it mean to “one-up” someone? All of us have been on the receiving end of that behavior. I offer an exercise for you after I describe three experiences I had that reveal what I used to do when I was on the receiving end and what I do now, instead. It is a magical shift, and has made all the difference in the quality of my life. It might for you, too.

WHY do people behave this way? It is a form of control they are exerting, with you as the objective. What triggers this for them — jealousy? Envy? Blind competitiveness? Narcissicism? Desperation? A behavior they have learned or a compulsion that drives them?

The cause is something you may never know, directly, but your reaction to it is something entirely within your control. That is the good news!

The words below identify the kind of things people will do to one-up someone else. What matters most, as I’ll show you, is how to identify when someone is doing this, not recognizing it only after it has occurred. That is important to be able to sense. Our successful reaction to people is entirely defined by the weight we give their words and behavior, nothing more and nothing less:

manipulate, exploit, play games

wield power

upstage

deceive, scheme, lie, cheat

spread gossip

wheel and deal, pull strings

Three Cases

#1

A person I recommended to be hired (I was in corporate) and who was thus hired, held meetings with our boss when I wasn’t there and gave him my ideas as her own. From that point forward, the boss did not involve me in decision-making. Until then, I had been the driver for the project. I was astonished he fell for her routine and did not align himself with me, though we had worked together almost a year. My reaction was intense resentment and fury, but I said nothing, afraid my job was at risk.

And therein lies the lesson…

By not addressing the outcome directly, the whole matter festered in my mind, deepening the resentment I felt. In the ensuing weeks I became discontented and let that show in the office environment. Everything seemed tainted not only by her betrayal and need to one-up me, but by his lack of support toward me. I was laid off three months later.

When that happened, a realization came to me suddenly and my resentment dissolved. To my boss’s surprise (and mine) I said to him in his office with its three walls of windows overlooking green hills (rather different from our cubby holes) that his decision did not define me, that life was more than a job, that something in my time there must have been of value, but now I go on to another chapter in my life. I felt so calm, even though I had no idea what I would do next.

Because the resentment had dissolved…and this made all the difference…

#2

I introduced someone I saw as a good friend to a very well-known person leading a three-day conference on profound teachings and books on wisdom and humanity, subjects I had long loved reading. She stopped associating with me during the conference and spent all her time with the leader and others in charge of the sessions. I was surprised. I saw it as a kind of treachery, but said nothing. What could I do? (So I told myself.)

A few days later, when I was back at home, she called and told me one of the writers I had hoped to see at the conference had died months before and that she had learned this during a lunch with the well-known leader. They had laughed together about how long it would take me to find out, because I had written a letter to him. If I had taken action, our friendship might have lasted. But instead, I buried my anger and feelings of disappointment and angst about being mocked and talked about when I wasn’t there.

I did nothing. I listened to her. I said nothing.

And therein lies the lesson…

I let the feelings marinate. I ceased to find anything I really liked about my friend. I let the feelings continue for a long time, too long. The friendship died. Because I let it.

I could have taken action when she called by stating my real feelings. By not telling her what I thought, that talking about me like that was deeply unkind and a betrayal done for no reason but to one-up me and get in with the leader, I allowed something good to disappear. For my friend might have felt dismay at the outcome of her actions. She might have sought to rectify it. I never gave her the chance.

I have learned to hold no grudges. They are nothing but destructive. They solve nothing. There are always other ways open to me. Among them, saying what I feel when I feel it — kindly, if possible. Stopping the poison of resentment from leaking into me.

#3

I dated someone who found my own skill set annoying — I had a doctorate, owned a lot of books, loved Nature walking, amusement parks, bookstores, golden retrievers, and traveling to ancient places. Guess what he didn’t like? Exactly. None of the above. (Out of that list the most inexplicable is not loving a golden retriever on the instant, incidentally.)

Why was I with him? Because I was supposed to be with someone — isn’t that the mantra? That a woman alone is an enigma? Even now in these modern times that thought worries itself into people’s minds. I wanted to follow the norm (I thought). I let him announce his own preferences instead of promoting my own. And he was always willing to tell me every time we were together how much more important he was in so many ways than I was. He needed to feel superior, to one-up any of my accomplishments. I let him.

And therein lies the lesson…

This was a big one, for I hesitated to say anything that might drive him away, but if I had, it is possible the relationship could have expanded and grown and become more than it was through our communication. Or, by taking action and leaving him, I would have asserted my right to be who I was. It took me a long, long time not to repeat that mistake, not to let men one-up me, before I realized I was consistently choosing the wrong men! I discovered, eventually, we are meant to live with our integrity and whole being and authentic self — nothing less, no matter who we are with.

Every relationship is lived well when I am true to myself.

Conclusion

In each of these cases I did not truly understand what I was doing by holding on to resentment and hurt. In Case #1, I did see more clearly after the resentment dissolved, but only after I had indulged my bitterness.

The key thing is not to settle for what we feel, but to ask why the event is happening when it happens, and so be in a better place right away to know what we are meant to learn from it. Nothing is accidental.

We are always responsible for what we do when others treat us badly. Letting things linger in your heart that are not life-giving hurts no one but yourself. I learned this well. No one spent as much time dwelling overmuch on injustice done to me as I did. To what end? It changed nothing.

Only when I took responsibility for seeing clearly, not dealing with wishful thinking or naivete or being gullible, was I able to let go of grief — because it is actually grief we feel when we have been betrayed or wronged or ignored or abandoned by those we have allowed ourselves to trust.

I didn’t understand, for too long a time, that people choose to one-up another person out of their own need. Right or wrong, this is a truth. It really is their problem.

So why let time linger wherein you dwell on being wronged? Stop it at the source. Speak your truth when the situation is right in front of you!

It takes courage to do this. It also takes insight, and a willingness to face what is happening head on. (Not in anger if that can be avoided, but certainly directly.)

Then what?

You stop reacting to the triggers because you habitually see behind what people are doing. There is no time for the dreaded life-sapping resentment to install itself in you because you are able and willing to let people know how you feel and why.

Not feeding on negative reactions is freedom, your goal and your greatest gift to yourself. It is how you enter into the harmony you deserve in all things, the true self you are here to share with everyone.

Exercise

It has often been said that writing things down instead of letting them spin around in our heads is valuable — it serves as a way not only to express our feelings, but to become more aware of what is troubling us, and how to take action.

Write down a description from your own experience in which someone one-upped you for some reason and you said and did nothing about it. Be as detailed as you can be about what they did and how long you felt resentment, or whatever emotion was in your reaction. If more than one emotion filled you,, write about each one — how intensely you felt it.

Now, write down why you think the person did whatever it was.

Lastly, read through all you have written and ask yourself this about your description:

Is it true?

Write down your answer. It could surprise you.