TiLT Parenting and Differently Wired Kids
By: Lauren Buongiovanni
Tags: Gifted Education, Homeschooling, Twice Exceptional, Education, Parenting Advice

Lauren Buongiovanni and best-selling author, Deborah Reber, discuss TiLT Parenting and “differently wired™” kids. Debbie is passionate about the idea that being differently wired isn’t a deficit — it’s a difference.

[2:16]

Lauren welcomes Deborah Reber to the Homework Is Stupid podcast. Lauren reflects on a lecture by Magda Gerber, an early childhood educator known for teaching people how to interact with infants respectfully from birth. She talked about how infants come to the world with this sense of “wholeness”. Magda Gerber has a quote that says, “Having respect for the world is when you allow people to be what they are.”

[4:42]

Deborah Reber is a mother of a 15-year-old son; she had a vision of what kind of mom she was going to be and what kind of child he was going to be. Deborah has written many books for teen girls, centered around helping them feel confident and empowered.

[5:41]

Deborah talks about how she “gave birth to a little human who came in with his own agenda”, which was not in alignment with her agenda. Her son was super precocious. He was very sensitive. He had a big personality and he was very strong-willed.

[6:40]

People and teachers that Deborah respected had suggested that there might be something neurological going on with her son. Deborah felt like a failure as a parent because she was reading the same books her friends were reading and showing up in what was the right way to parent a compliant, respectful kid, yet she wasn’t getting the same results as her friends.

[7:45]

Deborah moved abroad. Her son was homeschooled. She had to shun everything she thought she knew about raising kids. Deborah went through her own journey to really meet her son where he was instead of trying to get him back on her agenda. The statistics show that at least one in five kids is, in some way, neurologically atypical.

[9:21]

Lauren asked Deborah how she describes a differently-wired child?

[9:39]

Deborah started thinking about TiLT Parenting as a community and podcast. She wanted to encapsulate all the different ways that one could be atypical. So, in addition to the ones Deborah mentioned, it could be anxiety, sensory issues, speed processing, executive functioning challenges, Twice Exceptional kids, and also kids who don’t have any diagnosis at all.

[11:10]

Lauren mentions Deborah’s point that 20% — or one in five — kids are differently-wired. So, in a classroom of 20 kids, for example, you’re talking about four to five kids. Lauren asked why it is still so challenging for kids to find a home at school where they feel understood and accepted.

[11:50]

Deborah thinks that the traditional educational model we know is in dire need of an update. There’s such a priority on classroom management, that it doesn’t typically allow for kids who may need to stand in order to learn, or whose way of paying attention looks different than another student’s.

[12:55]

Deborah found that some teachers don’t even know how to identify an executive function deficit versus bad behavior. She had to explain to teachers at a school for gifted kids what Twice Exceptional (2E) is. According to her, teaching is such a demanding job and it’s not really valued in the United States.

[13:42]

Lauren points out a chapter called “What’s Keeping Us Stuck” in Deborah’s book, “Differently Wired”, which talks about parents of neurotypical kids and the challenges of fitting in with other parents. Lauren asked Deborah to share a story or two that really stand out?

[14:36]

Deborah thinks everything she talks about is something that all parents experience on some level, but she always says that parents of atypical kids are kind of like the Wingsuit flyers of parenting; everything is just a little more extreme and it’s an extreme sport.

[15:39]

Deborah talks about the lack of awareness and appreciation for who her child was. There were even times when friends in Deborah’s neighborhood didn’t reciprocate sleep-over invitations when it came to her son.

[16:48]

Deborah expressed how she felt hurt and left out-to-dry a lot as a parent who was already feeling like a failure and feeling burned out. Lauren expresses her understanding of this by adding that parenting books and resources that are geared toward neurotypical kids or neuro unique kids, are often done in a harmful way. Lauren asked what Deborah’s experience tells her that this is about.

[17:10}

When Deborah started writing “Differently Wired, she initially pitched it and was told by publishers that they don’t need another special needs parenting book like that. She was told to go back to the mainstream parenting.

[18:15]

Deborah feels like there’s a growing awareness. She even feels that companies are becoming more aware of the gifts that come with neuro divergence, and that many are starting to seek out differently-wired candidates for certain roles. And we’re seeing more representation in the media.

[21:45]

Lauren thinks that so much of the perspective comes from what we share and how we choose to see it. She knows for sure when working with kids and parents, she loves approaching her work from an asset base and providing resources.

[22:38]

When Deborah did her TEDx talk, it was about the idea that we value disruptors — that the disruptors in the industry are the innovators, the nonconformists, and that they’re the ones who are creating incredible tools and resources for the world.

[23:33]

Deborah says that kids are going to challenge everything often. They’re going to just question, why do I need to do this? What is the point of this? I don’t understand. This is not how I think.

[24:32]

Lauren and Deborah talk about some of the possibilities. Deborah have recommendations she named TiLTs and they are numbered. She has a number of these. Lauren asked how did Deborah come up with TiLTs?

[24:46]

Deborah launched TiLT parenting with the podcast and a manifesto, which included 10 steps. When Deborah started writing the book, she wanted to include those steps and she realized there are actually more than 10. Deborah broke them down a little bit more. And she ended up with 18 TiLTs in the book.

[25:54]

Lauren wanted to talk about some of her favorite TiLTs. She asked Deborah if she could describe or give examples as she saw fit. “Get out of isolation” and “Connect” really spoke to Lauren. She wanted to know where that came from.

[26:08]

When people come to Deborah’s community, they just feel this sense of relief that they are like, Oh my gosh, you guys get it. We’re not alone in this anymore. But she thinks we often self-isolate because of that fear of judgment.

[27:16]

Deborah says that we need to find relationships where we can feel safe, and we need to reach out because we’re not alone. And this is the choice we’re making when we self-isolate. Lauren asked Deborah about becoming fluent in your child’s language.

[28:14]

Deborah said that you have to be really curious when you’re learning a new language and we have to be really curious when we’re parenting these kids, because we know that all their behavior is communication.

[29:14]

Deborah reminds us that we’re going to get it wrong sometimes, just like when learning a new language, we screw up, we make an idiot out of ourselves sometimes when we’re asking for a loaf of bread and we’re really asking for a loaf of beer or something. She think that it’s willingness to just go all in, to be willing, to be vulnerable with our kids; to be willing to get it wrong and then try again.

[30:18]

One of the things that Lauren sees is that her young adult son needs her to be fluent in his language more than ever.

[31:05]

Deborah thought she was going to nail the parenting thing. She had very high expectations. The pain point for most of us stems from that disconnect between what we’re expecting and what actually is.

[32:04]

Deborah thinks that, when we allow ourselves to be our flawed, awkward, and regularly screw up, that is actually the best gift we can give for our kids, if we are willing to own it and to repair and to model how we move through that, because that’s life.

[33:54]

Deborah has a lot of parents in her community who are raising teens. Teens want to push back and use their friends or their more important relationship often. But we also know that teenagers need and crave deep connection with us as their parents, even more so when they’re teenagers, they just may not make it obvious.

[34:52]

Lauren wanted to talk about how she wishes we could all learn well before middle school, and certainly as parents and adults, to let go of what others think about us.

[35:06]

Deborah opens up that, as the control-freak parent she was, and still is, to some extent, she really struggled with other people’s perception that she was not doing a good job, and she very much felt that her child was making others think that she wasn’t a good mom — and that crushed her.

[37:00]

Deborah said that we may really care about other people’s opinions of us. If that’s the case for anyone listening, she would just say that is one of the biggest wastes of energy we could possibly spend. it’s so worth it to do the work to truly let go of that.

[37:51]

Deborah talks about how the really popular kids in middle school or in high school are not the ones who are doing great things, but back then we really wanted their approval. Lauren wanted Deborah to talk about helping our kids embrace self-discovery.

[38:48]

Deborah mentioned that a lot of these kids are spending time in therapy, or they may be working with coaches or occupational therapists. She always says that differently wired kids grow up to be much more self-aware, self-evolved, have great intellectual IQ because they have spent time doing the work that many of us don’t do until we’re adults.

[40:34]

Lauren stated that 97% of us have a profile of strengths and weaknesses. It’s so important to understand what the strengths are and also where you need support. Starting at some point in childhood, we can begin to understand those and advocate for the supports we need.

[41:58]

Lauren stated that Deborah talked about changing the culture and that it starts with us, as parents, and shifting the paradigm. Working to advocate for our kids so that they can be valued for who they are is so critical. Lauren asked Deborah whether she feels momentum building in this area in her community.

[42:30]

Deborah talks about when “Differently Wired” first came out, she came back to the States and did a book tour. She was at a small bookstore in Pennsylvania and five women came up to her afterwards to talk about the book. Deborah took some pictures and then they said, “By the way, we have all lived in this community, we’ve seen each other around it, you know, sports pickup or school events, or just around town. We had no idea that each other was raising differently wired kids.”

[43:24]

Deborah thinks that there is momentum and a lot of excitement, energy, and passion around changing the way things are for our kids. Demanding that our kids can learn the way they learn and can be fully embraced for all their uniqueness.

[44:06]

Lauren talks about Deborah’s online community. She has a website, a podcast, and books. Lauren stated that Deborah’s website, www.tiltparenting.com, is incredible; there are so many resources on the website.

[44:29]

Deborah explains TiLT Parenting is where you can kind of sift through the podcasts. She has them organized by theme; there are more than 215 at this point. She started a few years ago, making resources available for people who wanted to create TiLT Together Groups.

[45:30]

Deborah launched a section called TiLT education, and this is an area she’d like to do more work around at some point. She would like to build this section up more. But what she did was crowdsource a list of schools, based on experience from parents and the community, that are friendly to differently-wired kids.

[46:57]

Deborah is focusing some energy right now around a preschool curriculum, something for preschoolers centered around inclusion and understanding, because preschoolers are amazing and they don’t judge, they notice. She thinks it’s such an incredible opportunity to truly teach about brain science and neurodivergence in a way that all kids can just grow up instead of thinking, “Oh, Johnny is the bad kid because he can’t sit still in circle time” to instead say, “Johnny has a brain that makes him need to move to focus.”

[48:26]

Lauren asked Deborah what else she would like to share. Deborah said that one of her biggest messages for parents is that our kids are not broken. She thinks that, when we learn or discover that our child may be differently-wired or there’s something going on, there is a lot of dread, fear, worry, and we often can go right into “fix it” mode.

[49:05]

If Deborah could tell her younger mom self something, it would be to just chill out and don’t try to fix anything.

[50:02]

Lauren mentioned Deborah’s website and some of her social media, like Facebook. Lauren asked Deborah where people can find her community. Deborah said that the best place to start is to go to www.tiltparenting.com. She mentioned that there are all kinds of free resources you can grab, and she also sends out a weekly newsletter if you want to stay in the loop about upcoming events and news articles relevant to parents like us. Deborah is on Instagram and Facebook at TiLT Parenting. And the community she mentioned is TiLT Together.