How I Turned Frustration into My Ally to Help me Stop Spending
By: Bianca Zagan
Tags: Frustration, Self Improvement, Saving, Spending, Thoughts

THOUGHTS

How I Turned Frustration into My Ally to Help me Stop Spending

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I wrote before about how frustration can mount into a positive drive and in the following lines, I want to take this into specific issues that irritated me.

Since childhood, I used to spend every money I had — even if all I had were money from ‘trick or treat’ type of occasions.

When I started working, I made very little in the beginning — the bare minimum for a decent living. Naturally, I spent everything.

Then, along the years, as I learned more and made more money, guess what: not only I spent everything, I got an overdraft, then an additional credit card. Sometimes, I didn’t pay the balance at the end of the month.

Then, I constantly failed to pay the balance at the end of the month, and my debt increased.

The amount wasn’t dramatic — but the habits I had in place were.

I was spending everything I had and more compulsively. I became pissed off at myself for that, but I couldn’t stop.

Then, my spending habits became a full-time cloud over my wellbeing.

I worried about paying off the debt. I worried about unexpected expenses — which happened a few times a year. It disappointed me not having anything to show for my name after years of working.

The icing on the cake was when, at 26, I had a chat with a high school colleague. We were both unpopular, uncool by the average perception, rather geek, and we had similar school results.

While talking to catch up, we shared our accomplishments. I knew both of us went to college after obtaining a full-tuition scholarship.

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I had a career I was proud of, had traveled, I got to pursue my passions for public speaking and social dancing. She had started a career she was proud of, gotten married, had her first child, and already bought a condo with a large down payment.

Boom! That came to me as a shock.

Why? I thought it was impossible to do anything meaningful with money before 30. I mean, how could she have done it? She didn’t live with her parents and didn’t eat at the social cafeteria.

Long story short: she was (and is) a saver. I was a spender.

She was proud of herself when she saved. I felt pleasure when I purchased ‘stuff’ and got to wear and experience that.

She got her self-esteem from the way she was building her life, with assets that do not depreciate in time.

I got my self-esteem from wearing fancy shoes, cool clothes, going to events, traveling, going out — being admired and envied for all that.

I’m not saying my choices in my 20s are intrinsically bad. They were bad for me because I was overdoing it, they led me to overspend, which left me with debt to pay and worry over my money situation.

Then, I had a new partner, with very different money habits than mine. He lived frugally, making saving the primary purpose of money. Sometimes, we talked about money and he disapproved of my non-essential spending, which pissed me off, both because he didn’t support me and because I believed he was right.

So my frustration at myself mounted.

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Then I got pregnant. 10 weeks into my pregnancy and none of my fancy clothes fitted me anymore. My feet had swelled, and I couldn’t wear most of my shoes. I didn’t have morning sickness — I had all-day sickness, and I was grumpy all the time.

I tried to make myself feel better by shopping, of course. But it didn’t work. The dopamine rush that used to make me feel good when getting a new thing now probably couldn’t beat the pregnancy hormones.

Here I was, 6 years of work, a baby on the way and I needed to dispose of a room full of fitted clothes and high heel shoes I couldn’t use any longer — and spoiler: didn’t use after that — plus enjoy the stress of a credit card debt which the little money saved didn’t cover.

That was for me the revelation: I had worked hard for (not so much) money, and instead of buying assets that grow their value over time, I bought short-term pleasure.

This was the turning point. I looked at my pile of stuff and felt like this is it.

Let me be clear here. This isn’t turning into a story about how I became a millionaire, after being in debt. I’m not a millionaire, I’m not making six figures. I’m an average person.

But, what I am saying is this: if you cannot save $50 dollars a month or a minimum of 10% of your monthly earnings, no matter how low that might be — you are unlikely to get to $1000, or $10,000 or more.

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So stories about lottery winners, years after cashing in the big prize, are stories about wasted money. Because without the habit of saving, without feeling pleasure in restraining your impulse to buy — you will spend. All of it.

The brain circuits are very strong. It’s like an addiction. I’m not a doctor or a researcher, I cannot label it as an addiction, although there is research on the matter.

Taking this lightly won’t stick for long. Your motivation has to be stronger than the urge to feel the pleasure of buying that shiny new thing, every time it happens. Perhaps daily.

It is possible to reverse it.

I’m not saying that being a cheapskate is the desirable goal or the antidote. But balanced — a trendy and vague term.

You achieve balance by — surprise! Practicing every day.

Balance means different things for different people.

I found mine, in time. It means saving first, then spending. It includes choosing some of all the things I want to buy. Then, it implies waiting to buy the selected items when they’re on sale. I still feel good.

Why? Because with deciding to start a new money story, I did something even more important.

I decided that I will not measure my self-esteem by my lifestyle show-off any longer.

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That didn’t change overnight — at least for me, it didn’t.

Peer pressure, family pressure will make you want things — both for you, for your home, for your kids.

How I beat this pressure? I didn’t beat it. I deal with it. Daily. Every time I feel like a ‘thing’ will make me feel better, I ask myself: is this useful? Does it make my life easier? Does it help me get healthier? If I didn’t hear about the existence of this product, would I still feel good without it?

That’s it. No one-time solution secret. Just let what I call the unsexy friends help you: Patience, Discipline, and Moderation.

The tiny daily steps.