Area Woman’s Vagina Penetrated With Pinky Finger During Foreplay
By: Keith Malek
Tags: Pinky, Consent, Vagina, Humor, Foreplay

Area Woman’s Vagina Penetrated With Pinky Finger During Foreplay

There are monsters among us

Photo by Hunter Newton on Unsplash

ARAMOSA, CO — A local woman’s vagina was penetrated by her boyfriend’s pinky finger during foreplay on Tuesday, an event that sent shockwaves throughout a sleepy mountain community. The perverted act occurred around 9:30PM, when twenty-eight-year-old Susan Phillips, an elementary school teacher, was penetrated by her boyfriend, thirty-one-year-old Greg DeStefano. “We were in the living room, watching TV,” Phillips told reporters. “Things started to get, shall we say, hot and heavy between us, so we moved to the bedroom.”

It was there that things took a turn for the surreal. “I was naked, and Greg stuck his finger in my vagina,” said a tearful Phillips. “But not just any finger. He used his pinky.” Phillips immediately put her clothes back on and exited the bedroom. “He killed not only the mood, but our entire relationship,” said Phillips, who hasn’t spoken to DeStefano since the incident occurred.

The couple had only started dating recently, and even though they had had sex a few times before, Phillips claims that nothing like this had ever happened between them. “He was never specific, but he told me about a half an hour earlier that he was into some kinky stuff. I imagined whips and chains, or something like that. But this? This is just sick. I mean, who the hell does that?” Sex therapist Monique Soltani agrees with Phillips, saying, “There’s never an appropriate occasion when the pinky finger should be utilized in the bedroom. When people ‘flip you the bird,’ when they ‘give you the finger,’ which one do they use? The middle one, right? They give you the biggest one, not the smallest one. Mr. DeStefano is clearly abnormal and needs professional help.”

Phillips, who has now hired an attorney, said that she has “never felt so violated.” “You think you know a person, and then they go and do something like this.”

DeStefano claims that he was merely trying to “spice things up a bit” in the bedroom, and he is “shocked” that Phillips is seeking legal action against him. “Susan consented to being fingered,” he told reporters. “She didn’t specifically mention which finger she wanted me to use, but does that matter? What difference does it make? Is this not America?”

But even some of DeStefano’s closest friends are siding with Phillips. Todd Pelst, who has been friends with DeStefano since childhood, said, “I’ve known Greg for my entire life, but any man who treats a woman like that is someone I can no longer be associated with.”

More than seventy-five evangelical leaders will descend on Aramosa on December 6 to hold a rally. According to Ralph Reed, president of the Faith & Family Coalition, religious leaders will be protesting against not only DeStefano, but against Phillips as well. “Foreplay goes against the teachings of Jesus Christ,” he said. “God only wants married couples to have sex, and in the missionary position, and only for the purposes of procreation. That’s it!” “And besides,” he added, “If God wanted women to be fingered with pinky fingers, He would have given men ten of them.”