Becoming a Twitter Elite.
By: Slimmy Veek
Tags: Humour, Nigerian, Twitter, Becoming Nigerian

If you missed the debut episode, this link should take you there.

Twitter is like that fun social hangout in your neighbourhood that every young adult is attending and you also desire to join in as well, to catch as much fun, vibes, cruise and Inshallah as others. But it can be depressingly sad to have just a two-digit number of audience with an almost unnoticeable fraction of that number engaging on your posts for over two decades of joining the app. It's like attending a party and still feeling alone in the midst of the crowd when no one ever notices you. Yet, seeing that Twitter has a record of pioneering a litany of online movements and trends, including the famous #EndSARS protests, you could as well be on your way to becoming the next big wave on the internet. But Nigerian Twitter is an extreme sport. It has fatal injuries, penalties, offsides, yellow and red cards, but I'm here to walk you through the guides to becoming big on this bird app.

So, get your account ready. And I don't mean the account bearing all your real names. Create a new account. We are starting from the bottom, to the top. Ensure this new account doesn't in any way look like your regular account. You can choose to create a parody of popular Twitter accounts. It gets difficult for one to quickly recognise who the real Taaooma is when you have your “Taaoma” account popping up in their search results too. Well, unless they are observant and smart to detect the blue verified tick that omits your account. Confuse people with your parodies, regardless. You can also choose to create catfish accounts too. Use nudes on your DP as thirst traps. Litter your timeline with raunchy photos as baits. Nigerians are generally horny people, especially the men. You'd definitely attract the gullible ones easily. And with your account set, you're already in the right step to making it big on Twitter.

Tweeting is quite similar to blogging, you just serve an audience what you feel they might be interested to read, only that you do so with 280 characters or less. So in making contents, you have to be fluid and concise. Know how to say 5,000 words in 280 characters and less. Twitter people aren't that patient like their Facebook counterparts, to be reading your long posts. So, brevity is key.

Be smart, be interesting, make your audience want to read your tweets. Aside just being interesting, be vulgar and provocative too. That's how you drive massive traffic to your new account. Be smart while at it. Have sense. Even if you don't have, pretend you do by showing up out of the blue — regardless of the topic — to give your two cents and your hot take on topics that absolutely no one summoned you for. Politics. Sports. Movies. Health. Business. Jokes. Religion. War. Patriarchy. Feminism. Boko Haram. Fulani Herdsmen. Kidnapping. Be there for it all. And serve it hot! Twitter people love gists, and they like it hot and spicy. Consistently dish it to them premiumly.

Now that you have gotten your quality established, focus on quantity. Join every Follow for Follow and Like for Like thread like a spammer. Follow everybody you encounter on the app, even though you both are clueless on where you're headed, just follow yourselves still. Remind people to kindly follow you back. And for the stubborn ones; go even to their inbox and remind them to Follow back. Be deliberate about your growth. And as you go on your following spree, make sure the numbers on your Following never exceeds that of your Followers. Never, ever! You don't want to ruin your celebrity status before it even starts. So, peruse the list and unfollow hundreds of people, especially those who aren't following back — these ones want to use you as a brick to build their own celebrity statuses. But you can't be used so cheaply by obdurate goats. Unfollow them instantly. That's basically how stars do.

And as your followership grows, feed them with contents. Remember, hot and spicy, vulgar and provocative, raunchy and obscene contents. Sometimes ask dumb questions like, “how long should a proper sex lasts?” Other times, tell terrible jokes. Lie ruthlessly in your posts. Lie about the girl who visited you and begged for sex that you declined. Let your followers do the judgements in the comments and drag themselves. Watch them blab and pull one another by the pants, phallus and balls. Don't reply any comments. Just watch. An intending celebrity shouldn't condescend to replying comments, or else all you have worked for thus far, would more or less be like an exercise in futility. So, maintain the leader-follower boundaries.

Post obscene pictures, let thirsty lots lust after you. Ask harmless questions like, “are you really fine?” and watch deep and pensive people come under your comments to cry with teary eyes emojis. Be controversial in your posts, people would surely come to vent. Constantly offend marginalized groups in the society to gain clout. Attack Feminist Coalition, lynch on Tatibiji FC, offend people and groups. Make them want to get back at you. And on these posts that you put up, instruct your followers to Retweet them. You gain new followers that way too.

Retweet other influencer’s posts too. Connect with them. To be popular likewise, you have to keep a circle of popular tweeps. You know an even casual reply from them on your comment can earn you massive followers? So, be visible under their posts. Complement them, hype them, say things to draw attention and get noticed. Sometimes, your perfunctory “nice pics” can’t earn you that. So, I suggest you insult them. Buhari, Sanwo Olu, Davido, Bobrisky, Wizkid, Tiwa Savage, Lai Mohammed, Desmond Elliot. Insult celebrities. But don’t worry, people won’t see your insults as that sordid, they would call it savagery. So, savage people cruelly, without conscience. Follow trending hashtags to locate where the violence is, and launch attack. Be a typical keypad warrior; always be in fights. But be in fights with popular people, and avoid the mediocre ones — they have nothing to lose and you have nothing to gain likewise. Meanwhile, if a popular Twitter user engages you in a fight, your followers list is further blessed.

And as your audience further grows and remains blessed, and depending on how soon or how long it takes to attain 5k followers, do your first giveaway. And at various landmarks like 10k, 20k, 50k, 100k followers, do follow-up giveaways. Nigerians online are attracted to giveaways. Many are broke and need this your money. Organise contests for them, tell them to like and retweet your posts, let them virtually market you to qualify for the giveaways. And by then, you would be worshipped. You would earn loyal followers, people that would be calling you sir or ma, without even knowing you're just 18. They would respect you regardless.

And at this point, change your name from the SexyDiva on your catfish account to what you rather wish to be known as. Add “Influencer” to your bio, and “Content creator,” and “Social media strategist and manager.” Charge outrageously for ads on your page. You started from the bottom, now you're here. Sew puffy shoulder pads to your clothes and walk around like you have huge boils in your armpits.

And as you adhere to these guides, be sure that your name shall become enlisted among Twitter elites like some of us, Inshallah.