Coaching Challenges: The Trials and Tribulations of “Toxic” Terry
By: Michael, Miggs
Tags: Psychological Safety, Learning And Development, Software Engineering, Teamworking, Coaching

As coaches, we’ve all been there.

We‘ll be minding our own business, successfully kicking off a learning engagement or training course, when all of the sudden we hear someone blurt out from the back of the room, “This is a waste of my time!” Classroom activities specifically designed to force engineers of different experience levels to solve problems together go completely sideways as groups are dragged into the hypothetical weeds with someone balking that “My six-year-old knows this stuff!”, causing less experienced engineers to clam up and stop asking questions. The open dialogue we’ve tried so hard to create with our group of participants slows to a crawl and then dries up entirely as everyone slowly drifts into auto-pilot mode, waiting (and praying) for the coaching engagement to end and permission to return to their “real” work.

Meet “Toxic” Terry.

Often one of the most senior engineers on a team, Terry is protective of their team’s time and energy to a fault. They are territorial, but want to do right by their people, always. They are often a “hero” developer, responsible for crafting many of the most complex pieces of code in their domains, having final say in pull requests, and are inevitably the ones who get paged at 3AM when production starts to falter. As such, they are often “running hot”, bouncing from implementation problem to integration problem, whack-a-moling their way to the next deliverable or bugfix and prepping to do it all over again. Does that leave much time for coaching engagements? In their mind, “No way!”

Terry’s propensity to sabotage coaching engagements or training courses can very, very quickly undermine learning opportunities for folks on their teams, causing those other team members to disengage or leave a session before they can benefit from any of the value the engagement can provide. As coaches, our job is to build a safe learning space as well as establish empathy with the teams we coach. And it’s for this reason, perhaps, that the term “Toxic” is a bit of a misnomer for Terry, as it’s admittedly a bit unfair (along with synonyms such as “Difficult” Don/Dawn or “Stubborn” Steve/Stephanie that refer to the same archetype). Still, this personality type is one of the most troublesome to establishing the trust and rapport we as coaches need in order to help teams learn and discover new ways of working together. Therefore, I’d like to present a few tips on coach coping strategies when coming face-to-face with Terry on their own turf.

Assume Positive Intent

This phrase is overused and abused in the coaching space, but in this case it’s absolutely true. Terry most likely doesn’t understand that they’re doing their team members a disservice by acting out. They often believe they are a fighter, a warrior, the sole defender of the team’s time and reputation which is under attack from know-nothing coaches focused on theoretical fluff. They might have been forced against their will to attend the coaching engagement or training in question. They may be dealing with stakeholders who have no concept of whether the deadlines and requirements pushed on them are possible (a problem we software engineering coaches routinely try to fix). They are often under a great deal of stress. There’s always a reason behind this kind of behavior. This is why empathy is so important…it’s your job as a coach to get to the heart of the reason behind the rancor. Terry needs to understand that you can not only comprehend but “feel with them” and their team’s situation in order to trust you.

State Expectations Up Front

If there’s a particular reason the training or coaching engagement is required, make sure they know that reason up front, e.g. “everyone up to and including the CIO of the organization needs to take this training in order to level-set our knowledge on certain engineering concepts.” Sometimes, this doesn’t happen as often as we’d like. Additionally, state the expectations for engagement or training participants (e.g. how to interact with each other, how to maintain a respectful attitude, how to build a safe environment for learning). If Terry fails to meet those expectations through outbursts, interruptions, trolling, or similar, pull them aside and discuss the issue with them through an individual conversation rather than calling them out in front of the larger group. That talk may lead to a deeper discussion with Terry, which is covered below in “When All Else Fails…”.

Turn Terry into a Teammate

I recently had a Terry state during a technical workshop that “anyone off the street” knows the principles governing distributed systems! When this kind of interaction happens, don’t be surprised, don’t get flustered, but instead try to harness Terry’s passion and turn them into an ally and advocate for the team’s learning: “You’re the expert here, so how about helping me help your team and let’s walk through this material together?” Don’t step on Terry’s toes. In some cases, depending on the type of coaching engagement or course, small-scoped mob programming sessions can help with building rapport and focus Terry on sharing their knowledge with the entire team, but you’ll need to ensure your facilitation skills are on-point. Set the rules for the mob session up-front, and make sure they are enforced so Terry doesn’t grab the keyboard and never let go.

Give Voice To Terry’s Team

One of the most amazing parts of our new remote environment from a coaching perspective is the ability to harness Zoom’s tools to empower those without a constant and consistent voice to get their opinions through. Terry’s a talker, and often people can sometimes feel like their opinions may go unnoticed. Use Zoom polls and breakout sessions to gather opinions from ALL members of the coaching engagement or training course. This subdues some of the damage Terry can cause because they are no longer the only voice in the room; they are one of many. Sharing the results from these polls or breakouts — with votes shown anonymously of course—can help tone down the negativity in some cases as well.

Build a Neutral Environment

Terry often feels more in control when in their own domain/workspace/area. Because of this, as a coach, you need to shake things up to make the environment a bit more neutral. In remote training or coaching engagements, this means bumping Terry to different breakout sessions with people not on their team if possible during activities. For sessions only including Terry’s team, it can mean getting them out of their physical space (pre-COVID) or designing, communicating, and keeping an agenda of frequent activities that encourage Terry and the team to relate differently compared to the ‘usual’ state of working. In other words, continue to make the experience as novel as possible to avoid both Terry and the team settling into their usual means of interaction with one another.

When All Else Fails

Sometimes (but infrequently), it’s inevitable. If it becomes clear that no amount of discussion will change Terry’s behavior, it may be time to pull them aside during a break and ask them, “Is this the right time/place for you to attend this training? If not, you’re welcome to leave anytime and I’ll follow up with you shortly.” Give them permission to leave the training if they feel it isn’t worth their time. If you decide that Terry should be removed from the course without them deciding to leave on their own, the primary trainer should not be the one to do the deed — this is especially important for remote trainings and engagements. Allowing a secondary coach or trainer to take the lead on removal allows the main coach to maintain trust with the remaining participants in the training, including those on Terry’s team. The secondary trainer who removes Terry, along with the primary trainer, should follow up with them as soon as possible and try to work through the circumstances that led to the problem. Don’t let it fester, but confront it head-on. Be empathetic to their plight, and try to offer a helping hand as best you can. Remember — Terry is most likely trying to do the right thing for their team.

Hopefully, these tips and tricks will provide some options for coaches currently tasked with teaching Terry and their team. Best of luck, and remember: empathy conquers angst!