You’re a good person…
By: Justin Dickens
Tags: Self Love, Nonbinary, LGBTQ, Divorce, Love

You’re a good person…

You’re a good person. That’s been said to me so many times lately, in a myriad of ways. She even told me this, “Don’t worry, you’ll find somebody. You’re a good person”. Yeah, but is that enough?

I’ve been a good person. Each year I grow into a better person. I’m always growing into an even better person. But, does that change how attractive I am? Today, we dropped off the papers and officially started the official process; our court date is in January. It was a hard day, but I don’t feel like talking about that. We are making the right decision, the best one, the only one that leads to our authentic happiness. Instead, I felt the need to talk about being a good person, and how that doesn’t make me feel hopeful at all. I’ve always been a good person. I’ve made mistakes, but a good person none the less.

When you think of who you are attracted to, what are the first qualities that pop into mind? I mean the first ones; what do you picture? What do you see? Being a good person didn’t seem to captivate the passion and desire of a partner, and I can’t imagine how it would for other people. So, yeah, today we turned in the paperwork. It was hard for me because of an unknown future. I am indeed surrounded by so many people that support me. I am truly grateful. I know that is not the case for everybody. I feel your support. But, I don’t think that I’m not a good person. I believe I am a good person. I of course make mistakes, but I try to grow from them. Even considering my history, I think if I had to be considered a good or bad person, I would objectively be a “good” person. But, is that enough?

Really, is it enough? That’s what I was thinking of while we waited for our appointment with the courthouse clerk. I don’t second guess my worth as a human. I feel good about how I show up in the world. I second guess my worth as a lover. I question whether what I look like, will ever make somebody be like, “damn I want to get with that”, or “they are stunning” or “beautiful” or “fucking fantastic”. I don’t see a future of being desired as a good person. I know that’s just my very closeted perspective (pun intended) but seriously is it inaccurate? I don’t know, I can’t yet know, but we shall see. After the transition process, after I spend time with myself (although I’ve spent a lot of time with myself in recent years), I wonder what people will be attracted to me, a feminine man, a non binary person, a human outside the norms I guess. What sexual orientation prefers good people? After the emotions of last night, I feel numb or disconnected, or not ready to go that deep again. Today, it’s this, nice guys finish last became a cliché for a reason.

While I believe I am comfortable in my own skin, I wonder if I will need to “transition” to female to be found attractive. Cis-woman are attracted to manly men, Lesbians are attracted to feminine or butch women, and gay guys are attracted to guys. I ponder the possibility of meeting a trans woman, but even that isn’t a given, because gender and sexuality aren’t automatic. They are both connected but don’t change with one another. There is pansexual and queer, and maybe I just haven’t been exposed, but I hesitate to believe that being a good guy is enough, especially seeing how I don’t even want to be half of that phrase. Maybe tonight what I feel is anger. It’s less sadness. It’s anger and frustration about the world. Just the same as when I respond to a Trump supporter who says Trump isn’t racist and love gay people, don’t people see that the gender binary is boxing them in?

For her, I think this journey is simple. The thought of a guy creating desire is obvious, so the future probably feel comforting. But for me, comfort isn’t how I would describe my thoughts of the future. I’m grateful for the opportunity to move forward, but what is forward for a non binary feminine man who is basically attracted to femininity because of ingrained socialization? Well, I guess we shall see, because there is no going back…. As last night, June can’t come soon enough.