Pre-Cana Peril
By: Aimée Heath
Tags: Weddings, Faith, Marriage, Wedding Planning, Catholic

Pre-Cana Peril

Hip hip hooray, I’m engaged! Aaaaaand now for the stressful part. My wedding is (potentially) 18 months away, but I’m already starting to feel a bit overwhelmed by all the planning that’s going to go into it. Yes, weddings are ridiculous, and I could just do away with all the craziness and elope — but y’all already know that’s not my style.

One thing about me (that I don’t think I’ve really touched on in ATF thus far) is that I am a practicing Catholic. Yes, really! I wasn’t just raised Catholic; I continue to attend weekly mass to this day. Or, I did, pre-COVID. It’s something that really is important to me — having faith, being a part of my church community, and keeping up traditions. The Church obviously has MANY flaws that I do not want to simply skirt over, but, like I said, it’s important to me.

There’s a *loose* overarching theme about church retreats in our newsletter this week, so I figured it would be fitting to share some of my fears regarding my next retreat-like experience: my pre-cana. For those who do not know, couples who wish to marry within the Catholic Church need to complete a pre-cana course (which actually does sometimes take the form of a retreat). You meet with a priest, or deacon, or sometimes even an appointed lay person, to discuss a variety of things pertinent to your upcoming sacrament of holy matrimony. It honestly probably won’t be THAT big of a deal, but there are definitely a few things I’m nervous about leading up to it.

1: Mike is not Catholic.

Nor is he even a man of faith, really. He was raised Presbyterian, but elected to stop going to his church after being confirmed as a teenager. I think he definitely is, in some ways, spiritual, but “big religion” like the Catholic Church is definitely not his jam. That being said, he’s always been respectful of (and has even admired) my dedication to my religion. Long before getting engaged, we had agreed that our wedding would be held in the Catholic Church and that any future children we should have will be raised in the Catholic Church. He actually thinks it’s important for kids to be raised within some kind of moral institution, but we both also agree that they should be entitled to define their own beliefs once they’re old enough. Regardless, I’m nervous about how the pre-cana will be for him. Will the priest/deacon/whoever give him shit for not being Catholic, or not even really being Christian? My non-Catholic father married my Catholic mother in the Church; my non-Catholic grandfather married my Catholic grandmother in the Church. It can be done! I just don’t want anybody trying to make Mike feel weird or bad about it is all, I guess.

2: We’ve lived together for 2.5 years.

When my cousin Angelle had her pre-cana (and, mind you, she was 33 years old at the time), the priest told her and her now-husband that they were more likely to wind up getting divorced because they lived together prior to getting married. Wtf! I get that one of the Ten Commandments is “Thou shall not commit adultery,” and premarital sex counts as adultery, but come on. It’s the 21st Century. They should be happy anyone still wants to get married in the Church! It’s normal and healthy for couples to sleep together and live together before they legally bind themselves to one another. At least that’s what Mike and I believe! So yeah, I’m not exactly thrilled at the prospect of possibly, like Angelle, being told that I’m probably going to get divorced in the future.

3: I don’t like talking about my faith.

Sounds ironic, right? Considering the subject matter of this piece. But don’t confuse me talking about my religion with me talking about my faith. I’m cool with explaining why I like going to mass, why getting married in the Church matters to me, etc. What I’m NOT such a huge fan of is explaining my views on God, my relationship with God, and all that. To me, that’s the most deeply personal thing. One thing I always liked about being Catholic, as opposed to being Protestant, is that Catholic youths are far less likely to find themselves in situations where speaking openly about one’s faith is required. But one thing I’ve never liked about being Catholic is Reconciliation, aka confession. Asking God for forgiveness is another thing that always felt deeply personal to me, and I’ve never understood the supposed “need” to do so through a priest. The two times I was forced to go to confession, I was absolutely miserable. Part of me worries that the pre-cana will feel a bit like Reconciliation, and even more of me worries they’ll ask real faith-based questions. Again, what the hell is Mike supposed to say? Will they turn us away for his general lack of faith? On top of that, what the hell am I supposed to say? I really, really don’t feel comfortable talking about that stuff with anyone, especially not someone who’s dedicated their life to it. I guess I just don’t want to be judged! I don’t want to say the “wrong” thing.

All this being said, I know tons of non-religious and not-super-religious people who have successfully gotten married within the Catholic Church. I think, overall, the Church realizes that they have to be a bit more lenient in this day and age. But that doesn’t mean they don’t make the process a little bit painful. It’ll probably be a while before our pre-cana, so I’m going to try and not stress about it until then. For now, I’d MUCH rather stress about fun things like colors and reception venues.

Originally published on December 8, 2020