Is it Better to Have Clean Break Up or Drag Out the Inevitable?
By: Keri Elaine
Tags: Toxic Relationships, Breakups, Dating Advice, Relationships

Is it Better to Have Clean Break Up or Drag Out the Inevitable?

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, the holidays! While some people are stressed about buying things for their loved ones, others are getting engaged or breaking up. The question I pose is, is it better to have a clean break up or drag out the inevitable?

During our senior year of high school, my best friend was touring various colleges, while her boyfriend who was a grade below us stayed home. While they knew they would break up over the summer before she went to school, he freaked out the second week she toured schools and ended the relationship in February. She was completely devastated. At the time I remember thinking why not enjoy the last 4 or so months together? Who knows maybe you can try a long-distance relationship and it will work? However, now that I am an adult I get where he was coming from.

Why drag out something you know is going to end? If you are going to break up and deal with mourning the relationship and trying to move on why not do it sooner? It’s hard to keep looking at someone and knowing there is a stopwatch ticking down in the background. Life has a funny way of bringing better opportunities into our lives when we make room for them. Instead of turning down work opportunities, grad programs abroad, or even new networking opportunities to spend time with someone you will probably never see again, you’d be better off ending it and focusing on yourself.

I’m guilty of letting things drag out for the sheer curiosity of what if? What if I gave him the opportunity to prioritize our relationship again? What if he actually follows through this time?

The one thing I have allowed myself to do during the what-if period is to focus on myself. Meaning I went to the gym 5 times a week, started attending a monthly women’s screenwriting group on Zoom, downloaded Duolingo to brush up my Spanish. Instead of prioritizing the relationship that was rapidly fading into nothing, I matched the effort he put in, which was none.

According to this article in Psychology Today many people struggle with the decision to break up or stay in a relationship because we are hard wired to stay since we’ve invested time. Brenner mentions, “Similarly, being in a relationship that furthered “improvement of the self” was seen as a reason to stay, while being in a relationship “hindering of self-improvement” was a reason to leave.”

I noticed with every new thing, or achievement I accomplished he had something negative to say, but expected me to listen to his endless stream of consciousness about the things he could maybe, possibly accomplish if he had the time. How could I proudly call you my partner if I can’t even share my victories with you? I was always more than excited to help him with his dreams but was met with temper-tantrums and rude comments.

While I did feel sad for about a week, I realized I did not miss him, I missed and mourned the person I thought I fell in love with. Now I’ve had so much time to put in the energy to things like matter. Spending time with my grandparents for the holidays, helping them around the house with a task, catching up with my best friends over Zoom, remembering how much I love learning new things.

Honestly, a clean breakup is like a broken bone, painful but it heals so much better and faster. When we drag it out the bone never quite sets right, then you need to spend more time doing surgery and rehabilitation than you would have if you had done it right the first time.