How to be Amazing at Everything in Three Easy Steps
By: Justin Roberti
Tags: Entrepreneurship, Satire, Woke Business, Humor, Self Improvement

An arbitrary number of amazing “woke business” hacks to bring your human existence to the “next level” of existential success.

Photo by Guillaume de Germain, Unsplash

Every Day Awesomeness

Every day, people ask me, “Justin, you exude amazingness — how can I also be as amazing as you and also not really change anything about my life?” And I have to say, “Who are you? How did you find me here? Why won’t you leave me alone?”

I have to admit, I want to help these people — if only to make them stop haunting me — so I feel compelled to answer their questions.

Normally, this would take quite a bit of writing, perhaps in the form of a book, or at least several parody business-woke articles. But that sounds like a lot of words, which would take time, and that’s not how we are going to play this.

The motto I just invented that also changed my life, probably…

The personal motto I made up at 9:16 AM this morning is: “Take the time to make your life easy — and it will ease the time of your life.”

Sounds promising, right? That’s because it has the balanced format of an aphorism. But it’s missing something…

This man is wearing a suit and he’s thrilled, so he’s probably just made a lot of money with little or no effort.

Look at that. If you aren’t convinced by that fist-pumping, smiling capitalist in a business suit on the phone, then you lack the ability to feel joy. Or you are a communist. (If so, welcome comrade. Please clap, comment, and subscribe.)

Aren’t you going to give us some easy to follow steps to be Amazing?

Yes. I’ve read so many of these really, really helpful business/self-help articles and they pretty much always have some helpful steps. Those are your Key Takeaways. Key because, you use to open something, in this case, amazingness, and takeaways because, you take them away with you. Like Chinese takeout, you bring the wisdom back to the “house” of your mind, and if you are in the U.S. probably devour it while you keep working. Working until the very moment you die — that’s the capitalist dream.

Shakespeare could have said this. Go ahead and prove he didn’t, Mr. Time Machine.

Step 1: Be Amazing

Most people just don’t take the time to be amazing. To be amazing, you have to remember to be amazing. Sometimes, I’m just having my morning coffee, pondering the fact that I’ve only slept 4 hours because we are in quarantine and I work Sydney time as well as ET, then get up at 6:30 AM with the kids for a little at-home school. While I swill my coffee like a transfusion of awesomeness I make a new commitment to what the awesomeness of the day will be. I never really know, but I know it will be amazing.

See that island? It’s amazing. Without even trying. Any person can be an island (I think there’s a quote about that) — an island silhouetted in the beautiful sunset of the capitalist dream. Be like that island.

Step 2: Don’t be unamazing.

This is the biggest mistake people make — forgetting to be amazing, and it shows when they do sub-amazing work or even feel less than amazing (note: even your inner thoughts are not free of the tyranny of amazing).

For example, I’m nearly helpless when it comes to home improvement chores. But I have changed my life by not doing them — not engaging in things that I am terrible at helps me maintain my amazing narrative. Really, it’s the sink’s fault that it’s leaking. If it can’t work out its doubts and insecurities, I can’t help it. That’s on the faucet, not me.

Step 3: Repeat.

See what I did there? Honestly, you can end any lists of helpful tips with “Repeat”. It sounds so much better than saying, “Just keep doing what I’ve already said because I’m done writing”.

It implies that you have reached a conclusion without really adding anything. Kind of like Mrs. Dash (MSG), it enhances the flavor without adding anything of nutritive value. It also might make you thirsty — in this case, thirsty for amazingness!

Conclusion

Most good instructional articles end with a conclusion that summarizes the main points. This is that kind of article. So, to review:

To be Amazing at Everything

Be Amazing Don’t be Unamazing Repeat

I think that pretty much covers it.

If you apply this technique to business, love, happiness, home repairs, or careful breeding of artisanal sheep, being amazing will change everything in your life. (Do you see the italics text? That’s for emphasis. Like when I use excessive M dashes — it’s to take a dramatic point that makes my words sound more important.)

To put it another way — be like that pretty island at sunset. Don’t be like the leaky faucet I haven’t fixed. The leaky faucet is just stuck in negative thinking, waiting around for a competent plumber to come fix it.

So remember — be amazing. I can’t use enough M dashes to emphasize that. And I really don’t want to resort to exclamation points! Exclamation points are awful!!!!

But remember… if you stop me when I’m walking my dog, you’re probably freaking me out.

But if you see me walking my dog at the park, don’t ask me about amazingness. I’m listening to horror stories on YouTube and you are probably freaking me out. Especially if I can’t be sure if you’re real, or a Wendigo.

But that will be covered in my next “Woke Business” article “Everything I need to succeed I learned from Wendigos”.

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