Female Bullies
By: Rev. Sheri Heller
Tags: Women, Bullying, Relationships, Psychology, Mental Health

Evil is unspectacular and always human and shares our bed and eats at our own table. ~ W.H. Auden, Herman Melville

Randy made my life a living hell. She was a few years older than me and possessed the beauty of a pre-teen Snow White, with her alabaster skin and lustrous black hair. I, on the other hand, was a nerd, a frumpy outcast with an extensive history of childhood trauma. Trapped against the concrete wall where kids played handball during school recess, she’d poke her sharp nail into my chest and mutter threats. With her angelic face contorted into a demonic visage she mirrored all the loathing and contempt I felt towards myself. That my family was the designated crazies in the building where we both resided, made me an easy mark. Randy affirmed for me that as much as there was no safety to be found at home, I would not find it in the outside world either.

Although violence is not a domain monopolized by men and the aptitude for violence and abusive behavior in women is a stark reality, it receives little recognition from the social sciences. When it does, it is viewed as exceptional behavior.

Despite this point of view, in my professional life as a trauma therapist, I’ve encountered countless stories of folks, who like myself were victimized by female bullies. Often these tormentors are peers. Sometimes they are sisters, mentors, colleagues, healers, frenemies and employers. Many are backstabbing snakes who diminish with veiled barbs ‘meant to help,’ spreading vicious rumors while feigning friendship. Others are more overtly and blatantly cruel.

Whatever form they take female bullies are the antithesis of ‘sugar and spice and everything nice.’ Yet they will strategically exploit that one-dimensional saccharine characterization of the stereotypical female to their advantage. Many female bullies will conceal their stealth maneuvering and mind games behind a benign feminine facade.

Undoubtedly, aggression takes on a different form for the female bully compared to her male counterpart. Rather than emoting defiance and lawlessness, she presents as popular and admired for her achievements, her trendy style and even her ostensible generosity. Unlike her male counterpart, she rarely resorts to overt forms of physical assault. Instead, she uses her crowd pleasing advantages to psychologically and emotionally harass those she deems ‘beneath’ her. Likewise, she may target a peer who she views as competition.

An example of this type of envy-driven bullying occurred throughout my client Julia’s early childhood and adolescence. An accomplished contemporary dancer, Julia was on the receiving end of competitive rancor by her ‘best friend’ Camille. She was besieged by backstabbing, ridicule and ruthless efforts to sabotage her in dance classes and on stage. By spreading rumors and vicious lies Camille set out with her posse of mean girls, to ostracize Julia and deflate her self esteem. Camille went so far as to enact blatant gaslighting techniques, such as pilfering Julia’s possessions and instilling that Julia was incessantly losing things.

Although there was no physical violence the emotional and psychological weapons Camille and her arsenal of enablers used, deeply wounded Julia and impacted her ability to trust and embrace her gifts. Tactics such as gossiping, spreading rumors, backstabbing, and seemingly harmless pranks are exemplary of female aggression. The term for this sort of calculated cruelty is ambient abuse.

By fostering a dependency that creates a power differential, this sort of female bully implies she possesses great gifts and insight, which will assist the targeted victim in her growth and well-being. She ostensibly only wants the best for the target and behaves altruistically, concealing the underlying motive to get the upper hand. Her appearance of benevolence, honesty and generosity is seductive and disorients the target. This assists in ensuring the necessary leverage needed to ‘manage’ the target and diminish her self worth.

Photo by Andrey Zvyagintsev on Unsplash

Indeed, once the target guilelessly latches on, the bullying commences and intensifies. When conflict emerges, it’s an opportunity for the female bully to deny wrongdoing and assign responsibility for the alleged infraction to the target. Seemingly well-intentioned, she may ‘selflessly’ point out how the flaws and shortcomings in the target are responsible for instigating the dispute. This circuitous dance of covertly and systematically tearing down the victim feeds the bully’s sadistic need for power and control.