What Are You So Afraid Of?
By: Helen Bold
Tags: Life, Anxiety, Life Lessons, Fear, Social Change

What Are You So Afraid Of?

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Few things paralyze us harder than fear. No one was left untouched by it, not even the bravest warriors in history. The difference between normal people and those who seem fearless is that the latter have learned to control fear, to use it to their advantage, to turn it into power. First step: discover what are you so afraid of.

Fears can be multiple: fear of loneliness, illness, change, new, unknown, darkness, death, loss of a loved one, loss of freedom, humiliation, etc. They are so powerful that they block us, grab all our attention and concentration, distract us from many things we should be doing. It often keeps us from evolving for years.

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What Is Fear?

Fear is an emotional state created by our minds in some uncertain situations. When we do not know what is going to happen, we imagine the future, positive or negative. When the scenario is negative and we think something bad will happen, we are afraid.

Most often, it is caused by a lack of self-confidence. There is the fear that we are not enough. We think we are not good enough, talented enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, etc. There are also situations in which fear has nothing to do with our abilities, as in the case of fear of illness or death.

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What Is Social Anxiety?

Social anxiety is the fear of a social situation in which we are exposed to the evaluation of others. The fact that we may become embarrassed at some point comes to control our lives and the way we operate, so we end up avoiding certain social contexts in which we could be rejected.

There is a permanent and irrational fear of going to a party where there might be people we don’t know and where we risk making fun of ourselves; when we believe that our point of view may be inappropriate in the eyes of others; when we are observed while eating or drinking. Or simply when we refuse to start a conversation, because we don’t think we have anything interesting to say.

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Being Afraid of Fear — A True Story

From the moment I have started to know myself and realize what I wanted, I have become aware that I was afraid of fear. I had a clear case of social anxiety and at the age of 15, I decided to control it. We are social animals and the desire to be accepted makes us overcome any impediment.

So, I became what can best be called a social chameleon. Was I in a dance club? I danced first (although I hate to dance). Was I in a reading club? I was exposing all my inner opinions and feelings (although I hate to expose my soul on a platter). Was there a drinking contest? I was always the one who wins (although I hate the person I become when I drink). Was there someone telling a joke? I laughed first even if I thought it was the lamest joke ever.

At the age of 25, I realized for the first time how mechanically I had lived all this time. I turned into a completely different person and lost my identity, just because I was afraid of fear and I wanted to be accepted. I began to feel the pressure to change; to become ME again.

Well, I’ve done it. Somewhat. Let’s just say I’ve reached an existential balance. I don’t dance anymore, I drink only when I want to, I express my feelings only with people that I care about, I laugh only at the best jokes. The old me would be sad. Well, I’m not. For the first time in my life, I feel totally free.

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It Is Normal to Be Afraid?

Yes. It is normal to be afraid. It is real that people judge us; that others fight for the same resources, and will act ruthlessly to get their hands on them first. It is also normal the desire not to be alone and the desire to maintain a present state of mind.

All these things come from our evolution of hundreds of millions of years. It is molded in our genetic code, and we will not get rid of this reality as long as we live.

No. It is not normal to be afraid…. Wait? What? I’ve just contradicted myself! Yes, only intelligent people can understand that a question can be answered with yes and no at the same time, and the answers should be both valid. To fully understand that, firstly, you should grasp the meaning of “normal”.

Normal means, for this context, something that has statistical prevalence, or comes from genetic programming. For example, it is normal not to be gay for the simple fact that most people are straight. That doesn’t mean that’s the way it should be or that’s the way it is. That’s not normal. It is normal for people to have brown eyes? It is statistically the most common color. It makes you bad if you have blue or black eyes? That doesn’t make you less normal. It just makes you special.

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Final words

I beg you: don’t change. You are beautiful, smart and strong. You should not be afraid of fear. Get to know yourself and every time you are afraid of something, just keep telling you that you are better than that. And believe it.