Why Is It Still Shameful for Women to Enjoy Casual Sex?
By: Julia Beaudett
Tags: Women, Sexuality, Dating, This Happened To Me, Feminism

A few days ago, I was chatting with a friend of mine about her ex-boyfriend when she suddenly brought up that one piece of casual sex she had years ago. It seemed like she was embarrassed by it though based on her words, it was one of the best sexual experiences she’s ever had.

I asked her why she talks about it as a mistake if the sex was so good after she told me she never supported the concept of casual sex and always judged women who can sleep with someone on a first, second, and even the third date.

“That’s a little uptight, don’t you think?” I told her back then. “Don’t you sometimes want to just have sex with someone you’re attracted to without any bullshit, dates, and fake principles just to look good for someone you don’t care about?”

“You’re right,” she said. “I shouldn’t be that judgmental. I mean, I admire you and everything you do. It seems like you have a lot of fun and you do look happy. I just… I would never be able to do that, I am just too afraid of what people would talk about me.”

Those words stuck with me for a while. When I was at school, I didn’t do drugs, didn’t sleep with guys, never even had alcohol. Yet, people still talked shit about me and I’d always hear some new ridiculous rumors.

You can be the most modest, innocent person in the room and everybody would still talk behind your back, so why bother worrying about people you don’t give a single fuck about?

You get to live one life and instead of enjoying the things that make you happy or at least deliver you joy, you choose to sit in the corner and restrain yourself from countless possibilities and memories simply because you’re worried about people who won’t even be in your life in a couple of years.

When I was younger, deep into my first relationship, I never thought I could sleep with someone without love and connection. Back then though, I thought that connection could only appear as a form of intimacy between two committed people in love. I didn’t know that you could still connect with those you’re not in love with and feel the unexpected chemistry.

Casual sex seemed like a taboo line I’d never cross until I ended things with someone I’d been seeing a year after my first love and I split up.

I was disappointed in love, the concept of a monogamous relationship, and feelings in general. I wanted to have fun and explore my sexuality. Try what was out there that always seemed so far away from me and my morality. Basically, I just needed a break to feel the freedom I never allowed myself to have.

I started sleeping with guys I was hanging out or drinking with. Some of them were friends, some of them were working together or simply knew each other which created a lot of talking around me. Some of my friends were concerned about my reputation as an “accessible” girl or let’s be honest “a whore.” Some of them were straight-up saying my behavior was unacceptable and that I shouldn’t throw myself at men that easily if I want to be taken seriously.

In reality though, why is it always women who are throwing themselves at someone to “please them” but not men who are just as involved in that sex as women?

Every sex or one night stand I’ve ever had with a guy was purely consensual, mostly because I liked someone and initiated the flirting, the kissing, or the sex itself. I had fun with every one of them just as much as I had fun having sex in a committed relationship. Only now, I’m not ready to be in one. And I don’t see why we, women, have to pretend like we can’t enjoy sex with beautiful men we’re attracted to just because we’re not together?

This is something I deal with all the time. There always will be someone who would bring it up and say something about me sleeping with other men. Something about me being accessible or easy just because I love sex, men, and women but don’t want to tie myself up to anyone at this stage of my life.

Does it make me a better or worse person than a woman who has a different body count? Does the fact that I stopped treating sex as something sacred and let myself enjoy moments like that automatically mean that I would sleep with anyone who tries to have sex with me?

I think, in an attempt to shame other women, we’re confusing way too many meanings as well as we’re still treating women as someone who, unlike men, doesn’t deserve to have sex for fun and personal joy.

You never hear anyone judging men or talking about their body count because, in our society, it is completely normal for men to “have all the sex” before they are ready to settle down. When it comes to women though, there’re the countless amount of phrases such as “A key that opens many locks is a good key, a lock that opens for any key is a bad lock.”

Though maybe it’s time we stop comparing women with objects and let them be and enjoy all the sex they deserve?