Hopeless
Tags: Mothers, Hope, Fatherhood, Desire, Attention

Hopeless

I am having too many Emotions and thoughts today and even so that the Musings are Contradicting, The shock of emotions it is bringing in my life is pretty much constant and identical.

Today, while I was on my daily routine of walking 5000 steps I had 2 options from which I had to choose one. I chose the one with harsh heat because somehow I often take the harder roads and I would tell Robert Frost that the road not taken is frequently the easier one in my case. But, The good news being, I was blessed as the Universe itself bestowed me with its Mighty majestic aka Holy Sun, in all its glory. I was taken aback with the view, and the most talkative person You would have ever met was at loss of words. The sunset was enthralling and Attention gripping. I wanted to capture its shadows in my eye lids and wanted to engross it deep in my heart. It felt larger than life and for once I felt lucky to be there at the exact same moment, at The exact same coordinates where The sunset was trying its best not to overdo itself. The rays were penetrating the Fluffy ball of Clouds and while they were coming from the other side of it, I felt a stabbing pain of yearning in my heart, How I should actually live a thriving and chaotic life at 22 and not spend it like a nun, How I had a life planned out for when I leave my home for good after Graduation, Wistful on how I wanted to try so many new things and create a newer, Better personality with a fresh start But the Hankering went as soon as it came, I was again fixate on the view. While I tried my best to seize these Infinite rays in my Phone’s camera but somehow no matter how much I bent over (Pun,Intended) I was not able to Apprehend the Power of the Holy mighty as I’d like to title The Sun. Nonethess I tried and Fail, I noticed that there are certain things which Destiny doesn’t wants you to Reciprocate and reproduce and this view and its sheer sheen was one of those things. I looked at the view for as long as my eyes served, I have very high power of Diopter in both my eyes and looking directly at the holy Gift of the Universe was not doing me any more favours, I quickly went ahead to another terrace where huge buildings and human habitation created hindrances between The sun and Myself, But I firmly trust that, When in true love the smallest distance is great and the greatest distance can be bridged. (A lot of poetic liberty granted)

I was on the other side of the same expanse and The sky was as clear as It should be with very little dramatic effect and very less clouds, I allowed myself to linger and observe what my fellow species were doing because that’s what I do when I go for my routine. I check out other humans and Imagine their stories and Personalities. Since, My human interaction apart from my family of 3 is nil and While my communication skills and Vocabulary has taken a serious hit and back-fall, I’d desperately like to believe that it is just a phase and the more I stay close to other humans (Even from a distance) The more I can imagine what My life used to be before this pandemic hit us.

I saw 2 sets of individuals, all of them grown ups and a couple of babies, One in each set. These sets in question were on 2 different sides of my vision and that makes it true to believe because they were so different and The emotions I felt for both were hypnotizing. One of them consists of a couple with their tiny baby of over 2 years, riding a little bike. Reasons for why I had a staggering pain in my chest when I saw this little family of 3 is unspeakable and cannot be disclosed to people who are complete strangers to me in this blog, The point being, I was envious of this family and I had a feeling that will I be missing out on such contentment and completeness But the moment I came out of my self righteous bubble I noticed that The father in the set was completely aloof of his family, Arrested in phone while the mother was running after the baby and its bike for its well being. THE father was a little over or around 30. Young age. Huge responsibility. I wondered whether this is how It is going to be for our generation? This absence of involvement when People of my age someday become parents? My father even today and In my growing up years always gave me his undivided attention and I have never seen him so absorbed in his phone when He was with his family. This feeling that We might miss out and lose precious little moments of freedom with our families because of our little obsession with our phone which seems so harmless at the moment but might not be in future was Like a time ticking bomb in my nerves. Before today, I had never even considered that how This irresistible impulse we have for our phone will become so fixate that we might miss beautiful sunsets with our future families. It took a lot of baby tears and a bumpy fall of his child for the father to come out of his daydream and then he Went to cradle the baby in his arms. For an observant and third party like myself, I think It should not be the sad times when you should pour love and attention to your child but also when The child no matter what Age Is happy and is afraid of something New. Child is always going to need your support whether it is Excited,Giddy but scared at the same time. She/He needs a parent even then to share some of the burden, And Pain/Fear. I might would have been carried away for a moment with my own Bias, and Even It might so happen that The father was a good dad and Was little distracted in that moment, After all I know none of them , I am just a street passer who likes to know stories of strangers to suppress the memories I have in my mind waiting for my consciousness. While you might say That even I was Sticken to my phone on the terrace and that noted how can I pass judgement on others,Let me remind you I am not a parent. I was alone and did not and would never have a child running around me just so that it can capture my lingered attention.

The another set and I promise this is the last thing I saw before I hit 5000 steps was that a little girl over 5 was in her living room close to her balcony and A house-Help of over 40 years was in another penthouse, In front of her apartment and was looking at this girl and making faces to capture her eye and attention. She came out and started Playing Peek a boo with a complete stranger or an acquaintance you might say but both of them were doing it with so much concentration and reciprocated comfort and love that I could not stop and look at them from a distance afar and see how contradicting and puzzling we creatures are.

One of them a father and cannot find time for his own Blood but another, man with loads of Errands to run was giving all his attentiveness for someone else’s daughter . This gave me hope for myself and the envy was reduced to nothing but aspiration and appreciation that you tune yourself to be kind, You don’t have to use the trick of repeating something until you start beleiving it, You CAN have faith from the very start, You can have fondness and feel protective For a mini version of you with all your heart whether or not they are your own blood. You can love someone just like your own even if their seeds were not yours to sow. You can embrace them just like yours and Love the fruits it will bear you some day. Birthing doesn’t necessarily make you a mother or even a parent,The effort and dedication thereafter does.