I Drank From the $20 Knock Off of the $80 Crystal Water Bottle. Here’s my Story.
By: Sarah Kathryn Schumm
Tags: Siblings, Science, Conspiracy Theories, Crystals, Growing Up

I Drank From the $20 Knock Off of the $80 Crystal Water Bottle. Here’s my Story.

Apologies to Rachel Sugar’s story at this link: https://www.bonappetit.com/story/glacce-bottle/amp?fbclid=IwAR0zG0hw6obTEM58KAjA27j3Wg1V06aajv05yy6jiFynqDcL3iOSJcvjRTU

I admit it, I collect crystals. I have been a crystals person for a really long time, at least since I was a young teenager, probably earlier. I used to buy them as souvenirs on vacation when I was little. My brother went through a serious rock collecting phase when we were kids, and it rubbed off on me, and stuck.

Once, on vacation during his massive rock collecting phase, both my brothers went to a crystal mine. Being a pre-teen and “too cool” for such things, I went shopping instead. I quickly regretted this decision. When we picked up my brothers from the crystal mine, they had buckets of gorgeous quartz points. I made a serious mistake thinking I was “too cool” to go crystal mining.

The crystals were beautiful. I was extremely jealous. Fortunately, they got so many they quickly grew bored with them, so there were plenty left for me to make jewelry for years.

Like most teenagers, I went through a new age-y phase. This was augmented by my virtually unlimited supply of crystals. My brothers mined two ten gallon buckets of them. Tom was more interested in the big, well formed points, so I was welcome to the tiny leftovers that were ideal for jewelry making. It was a win win. I made all my friends crystal jewelry.

It didn’t stop there, as anyone who has collected anything knows, once you start collecting something, you end up getting more whether you want to or not. I bought amethyst because it was my birthstone, I got them as gifts. I had a shelf of my own varied crystals.

One day, I had a tension headache. I decided I would try crystal healing. I borrowed one of my brother’s big double terminated quartz points. As I put it on my head I realized two things:

It worked. My headache went away.

2. It worked because the crystal had been sitting in a cold room, and putting something cold on a source of pain usually makes it feel better.

Thus ended my flirtation with healing crystals.

I liked crystals because they were interesting, not because they were magic.

I have found myself clarifying this ever since.

My siblings and I are very rational, scientific minded people. I think part of this is our nature, and partly our parents sending us to the encyclopedia set every time we had a question. Babysitters thought we were odd. One started a rumor that we “read the dictionary’ for fun. It was the encyclopedia.

I’m the stereotypical “free spirit” of the bunch, but I gave up art to become a machinist when I realized how much I loved being able to make functional things with quantitative properties. There is a satisfaction I get from being able to make something from a model or blueprint with precision that I was never able to achieve as an artist.

My brothers are both scientific types; Tom majored in computer science and is a software engineer, and Dave is double majored in chemistry and physics and is a senior chemist.

I am very proud of my brothers and their work. While my family is not traditionally close, I like that we challenge each other. I am extremely grateful that I have a sibling who can satisfactorily debunk, and occasionally confirm, viral conspiracies regarding chemicals.

I went through a militant anti plastic phase, and Dave helped me overcome some ill informed beliefs I picked up. This made me a better environmentalist. I can argue my position from a place of verifiable facts. Some of my friends accuse me of being obsessed, they aren’t wrong.

For someone who cares deeply about both science and the environment, tolerating greenwashing and science denial is a moral challenge. We are at a point where denying facts and fearing science is causes suffering and destruction. I have lost my patience for denying science that can save lives and help mitigate damage to the environment.

When my brothers and I were still quite small, we lived in a progressive small town. One of the assets of living in this town was fluoridated water. My brothers and myself were also part of a University of Michigan study of chewable fluoride tablets. The tablets have long been approved and are used for children who live on well water, giving rural children the access to cavity protection most city children take for granted.

Water fluoridation is hailed as one of the greatest health achievements of the twentieth century. This is simply not up for debate, nor is it the subject of this article. I will not encourage you to google it, as the second hit is from a notorious anti-science conspiracy site. There are three quarters of a century of research behind it’s safety and efficacy. It is one of the paragons of scientific consensus, and unfortunately, a litmus test for anti science conspiracy fear mongering.

Until college, I was blissfully unaware of anti fluoride conspiracy theorists. I first found out about them through my former husband, who cursed them for his cavities. He grew up in Ithaca, New York. In spite of it being the location of Cornell University, Ithaca is a hotbed of science-denial enthusiasts. Ithaca is a beautiful city that suffers from a plague of Dunning Kruger syndrome. I mean plauge literally. When I lived there in 1998, I contracted whooping cough due to low vaccination rates. In 1998 there were not yet boosters for adults. Prior to the late 90s, whooping cough had nearly been eliminated through childhood vaccination. Before vaccination rates dropped in the 90’s, it was unknown that the shot wore off in your twenties.

I really hate anti vaxxers.

As much as I hate anti-vaxxers, anti-fluoride conspiracy is the anti-science movement that sets me off the most. It fills me with almost irrational rage. I see it as the epitome of everything awful and, arguably, evil, about science denial. It is the best example I have of something that is incredibly well understood and proven, with a track record of succeeding in wholesome intentions, yet opposed by a vocal minority, no mater what the cost, and against all evidence.

Each and every alleged argument against water fluoridation is demonstrably wrong. All of them are based on ignorance or willful rejection of scientific consensus. The greed that perpetuates the misinformation is even worse; The wasteful, destructive, and occasionally dangerous, bottled water industry profits from anti-fluoride propaganda. Charlatan fear mongers like Joseph Mercola and Alex Jones get rich perverting scientific ignorance into pseudo science and selling fear. They corrupt the intentions of innocent people who have legitimate questions by providing them with wrong answers to build an empire of viral, narcissistic, willful ignorance.

So, when some ignorant, brainwashed “activist” decided to wheat paste my neighborhood with anti-fluoride conspiracy posters cribbed directly from *THE anti-science conspiracy WEBSITE THAT GOT TRUMP ELECTED* complete with the URL, I ripped them down in violent outrage.

And of course, posted about it on Facebook.

I said something to the effect of:

“F**K YOU! Gullible Anti-Fluoride Whack Jobs, go to hell, you science denying, child hating, ignorant, freaks!”

I was unaware I knew such wack jobs.

What followed was a three day long, four hundred post, flame war on my Facebook page. It didn’t stop when Nazi mind control came up. It only intensified when an actual geologist came on and explained the nature of how fluoride bonds with teeth, and that it will bond with hydroxl in it’s absence.

I made a meme of it.

It did not go viral.

The thread was hijacked by an intactivist who compared fluoride in water to forced circumcision. There were You Tube videos posted about how the properties of Fluoride were discovered naturally and by accident, and how the creators original study of the children of Grand Rapids Michigan ended the study early, because there was so much success on the test subjects that to not include the control group was immoral. There were also You Tube links to baseless conspiracy documentaries, which unsurprisingly ended as advertisements for water filters. The brand of water filter was the favorite of the intactivist.

There were claims of remarkable remission of mysterious ailments in the absence of Flouride. The thread was littered with anti-government memes as alleged evidence, as well as real science. There were even Chemtrails! A better person would have deleted the thread.

I am not that person.

I naively believed that my friends, like my family, were rational people. I believed when presented with the abundance of quality evidence, they could change their minds. I believed that they were good, moral people, who would not choose selfish preconceptions over solid evidence when it came to something that helps poor children grow up to be healthy with so few risks and so little cost.

I was wrong.

I didn’t know that my belief that facts could change minds was even more futile than believing a crystal had magical powers.

At least crystals are pretty, this was ugly.

Crystals have a sense of wonder about them that grows more beautiful with curiosity and understanding. Learning about how chemical bonds and geological circumstances lead to the creation of crystals makes them seem more miraculous. I don’t need to believe they cure cancer or clear my chakras to find them remarkable.

Learning the science behind crystals only makes them more magical.

I don’t understand why anyone even wants to deny something as wonderful as the way adding trace amounts of a naturally occurring chemical bonds with the enamel in teeth and prevents dental carries.

I lost people who I thought were friends. I am certain this article will cost me friends as well, but I can’t in good conscience accept people as allies when they care more about their ego and preconceived notions than they do about the lives and safety of children. That’s what’s really at stake when you examine the facts objectively. I’m not sorry.

To call me closed minded for this, and I am sure someone will, again, is hypocritical. Holding a belief that is demonstrably untrue isn’t open minded. It’s ignorant at best, and narcissistic at worst. I’ve changed my mind many times in the face of new information. It’s not a flaw, but many people think it is. I will not, however, change my mind because of an outlying anomaly because it makes me feel clever.

I feel so strongly about this that to this day, my friends tease me about the “Zombie Nazi Fluoride Circumcision Thread.” One of my close friends called it “Everything About the Internet.”

It has been a few years since I dared utter “The F Word” on Facebook. I finally couldn’t handle it any longer and thought, “I’ll just put a pretty picture of a fluorite crystal as code in it’s place, and maybe that won’t piss anyone off”

Nope!

It turns out I still had a couple stubborn friends. These are “smart” people. They are proud that they ignore science, they defend their ignorance! Something about the way they did it though, made me realize, that for them, it’s not about learning, or facts, or knowledge, it’s about identity. They think it makes them special and important to have what they consider simply a “different” point of view, but it’s not an innocent difference of opinion. It’s a rejection of something that helps people, just to be different. And that’s wrong.

That really bothers me. I’m not even sure I want people like that as friends.

I’m pretty sure I don’t. I don’t want to live in an echo chamber, but I don’t really want to be around the type of person who mistakes their stubborn contrarianism for open mindedness either.

Which brings me to the interesting tidbit I discovered on my Google Image Search for a crystal.

If you’ve made it this far, the link is worth a read in the context of this story:

It turns out fluorite’s “Psychic Meaning” or whatever, is pretty much, to cut through the bullshit and make you a better critical thinker. I know, I know, crystals aren’t “Magic” in that way, really, but this quote in particular, from the above link, gave me pause:

“It will help you know when there are external forces trying to control or manipulate you, and it can effectively shut down any kind of mental or psychic manipulation.”

Manipulation by bottled water companies, water filter sellers, and wealthy fear mongers, perhaps?

“It can support you in breaking away from rigid patterns of behavior or old ways of thinking.”

Breaking away from rigid patterns like willful science denial, perhaps? Maybe changing your mind when confronted with solid evidence that contradicts your preconceived ideas?

“It has the ability to increase your intuition. It can increase your sense of confidence and strengthen your know-hows when it comes to life.”

Maybe it can increase your intuition and sense of confidence by opening that third eye to some facts!? That would be amazing.

Hilariously, a fluorite crystal, if it works the way it’s supposed to, would give you the mental clarity to stop believing the type of fringe paranoid conspiracy pushers that oppose water fluoridation.

Yes, I know that “the meanings of crystals” are intentionally vague and good, like horoscopes, but that doesn’t make it less amusing.

So I thought it would be funny if I could find a water bottle with a big old Fluorite crystal in it to troll about how harmless fluoridated water is.

Then, by the magic of the inter webs, the Wish app, in it’s effective way of making me spend money, showed me exactly what I wanted without even searching it. A water bottle, with a big crystal in it. I looked at the options, and to my delight, I could get rainbow fluorite.

I HAD TO HAVE IT.

Somehow, I had totally missed out on the crystal water bottle trend. The real expensive ones do not come with rainbow fluorite, so you can only get it as a knock off. I didn’t even know it was a thing. Which is odd, because I have a real weakness for fancy water bottles given of my hatred of bottled water.

I want a status symbol that shows off that I love my tap water, dammit. I’m not filtering it, either.

So I pay-palled up my $20 ($13 plus $7 shopping, that’s how they get you) and waited in anticipation for my woo to stop all woo water bottle. And the very day after this marvelous bottle arrived, I made a Facebook post about how I was going to snooze anything political.

To which my friends replied:

So I posted a picture with my new water bottle.

Of course, my brother Tom, who got me into crystals in the first place, didn’t understand why anyone would carve a fluorite crystal to look like a quartz point.

It leaks, but it’s worth every penny of my $20, plus the $3 I will probably need for food safe silicone sealant to make it fully functional. When I drink from it, it makes me happy. I think it’s funny. It brings me joy. It’s pretty, and it represents my defiance of science denial in the most woo way possible, which delights me to no end. I am going to Instagram the heck out of this thing. I might buy more with some of my other favorites, I really want one with a tourmalinated quartz! I might treat myself to an amethyst one for my birthday!

My other brother, the chemist, recently moved to Ireland. He told me he didn’t see a future for himself as a scientist in the United States anymore. That makes me sad. But he liked my bottle. He got my joke. He said he could use one. His birthday is coming up. He’s totally getting one.

I might believe in crystals after all.