No, I Don't Want To Lose Weight Anymore, Thank you
By: Kate Conradie
Tags: Health, Lifestyle, Beauty, Life Lessons, Self Improvement

No, I Don't Want To Lose Weight Anymore, Thank you

Healthy body acceptance is not easy

Photo by Caju Gomes on Unsplash

Lockdown changed me and what I consider ‘healthy’. At the beginning of Lockdown, my brain was too full of other things to make space for obsessive healthy thinking. It takes a lot of space in your brain to constantly think about “healthy” all the time:

“Should I eat this, is this ok to eat at this time, and will this have too many calories?”

I used to have these thoughts all the time.

Going into Lockdown at the end of March, and all the stresses and anxiety this epidemic, left little space in my brain to focus obsessively on food and exercise. So I just ate whatever I wanted and I still exercised because exercised kept me sane.

I exercised to keep the depression at bay and move my body. It was not a means to lose weight. Losing weight was far from my mind.

I baked delicious goods and ate delicious food because they tasted good.

As Lockdown has lifted and our lives have returned to a sort of normal, there has been more space in my brain to start thinking about healthiness again.

More space to obsess BUT I just don’t have the energy anymore. I enjoy living without always thinking about what I should be eating and whether it is healthy or not.

I assumed once Lockdown was over I would go back to a restrictive way of living; always watching what I ate and hardly ever eating dessert or chocolate.

I told myself:

“Once Lockdown is over I will lose weight again. I will get back to that healthy lifestyle and eating ‘clean’ again.”

What is clean eating?! Is chocolate dirty food? Are burgers dirty?

But as Lockdown has eased and gyms are slowly opening and the stress and anxiety for the future have receded a little, I find that I cannot muster the energy to lose weight. I am too tired to dislike my body anymore. I want to look in the mirror and love what I see.

I am too tired to get “in shape.” My beliefs about healthy eating have changed and I am living life freely doing my best not to think about weight loss all the time. It’s hard but I am so much happier.

1. Being healthy does not equate to what you eat

Just because you eat steamed kale and boiled chicken does not mean you are healthy. Kale is pretty gross. I have never enjoyed kale. Boiled chicken and kale are hardly a filling meal. Some skinny people eat loads of chocolate and chips and never gain weight because of their metabolism or whatever that means and yet we look at them and consider them healthy because they are skinny.

Some people starve themselves and then eat five carrots in the afternoon. That cannot be healthy.

I am beginning to think that it is unhealthy to always obsess about food and everything we consume.

It's healthy to let it go and be free with food. It is healthy to eat whenever we want and whatever want.

I am trying not to obsess about everything I eat and eat freely without guilt or condemnation.

But I am a woman and women have been raised to obsess and focus all the time on weight loss and what is “healthy.”

So its hard somedays.

2. Eating a restrictive diet is not healthy and also won’t make you skinny

I used to restrict myself all the time. Before Lockdown I would try not to eat dessert during the week. I was super conscious of everything I ate. I ate wholewheat pasta and poached eggs with tomatoes and rye toast. I tried to go for the healthy option on the menu, or what I thought was the ‘healthiest option’.

But now I am beginning to think that all those healthy foods are not the be-all and end-all.

And the less I restrict myself the less I obsess about food. I eat whatever I want now. Whenever I feel like it and contrary to popular belief I have not ballooned up and gained an insane amount of weight.

And even if I do gain weight I don’t care. I don't have the energy to lose weight anymore.

It's exhausting!

An unhealthy relationship with food is bad. It sucks all the enjoyment of life. That is far more unhealthy than any food we will ever eat.

3. Gaining weight is not the worst thing in the world and being skinny is not the best

At my skinniest, I wasn’t happy. At my fattest, I wasn’t either.

Because it had nothing to do with my weight!

It had to do with outside circumstances.

I had this belief that my weight made me happy or unhappy. But it has little to do with my happiness.

The fitness industry sells us otherwise: Get skinny and you will be happy for the rest of your life!

That are so many other important things in the world that make me happy or unhappy. My relationships and the people in my life make me happy. Writing makes me happy. Reading a good book makes me happy. Exercising when I want to makes me happy.

But seeing a skinny reflection in the mirror never made me as happy as when I am with my partner or my family and friends.

Laughing with my friends makes me truly happy.

It's a bit fat lie that losing weight and being skinny will make you happy forever. It may bring brief temporary happiness but then it's gone.

I enjoy being fit (but not skinny!!). I love being strong and having muscles. I love doing pushups and I love going for a run or a long mountain bike ride.

So if those things make me happy I would rather spend my time and focus on those things. No amount of weight loss will make you happy. It made me anxious more than anything else. I was more anxious and stressed about putting the weight back on.

Not a good way to live your life!

Gaining weight or being a size bigger than size 0 is not the end of the world.

Where did we get the idea that skinny is pretty and beautiful?

Skinny is not more beautiful and it is certainly not more healthy.

4. My partner eats what he wants, so why shouldn’t I.

My boyfriend will eat chocolate without hesitation. He has a beer or white bread or anything he wants. I want that life too. I want to eat whatever I feel like without obsessing about whether it will make me fat.

I want to eat the way he eats. I want to enjoy life the way he enjoys life.

I sometimes think it's so damn unfair that he never thinks about his waistline.

He is so free to live without obsessively thinking about weight loss all the time.

Girls are raised to obsess about their weight but boys are not. My partner never talks about his weight or wanting to lose weight. While every woman I have ever known has mentioned, at least once, wanting to lose weight.

That is so unfair!

Girls are taught that everything they eat matters while boys are taught that everything they say matters.

But, if it does not matter what boys eat then it does not matter what girls eat.

5. I have bad days and that is ok.

Some days I feel like,

Shit, I should lose weight. Or I should really not eat this.

And the internal struggle rages inside.

Should I or should I?

I should.

You should.

You should always eat food. Always.

Your body is hungry and therefore it needs food to function. It is sending you an important message.

On some bad days, I struggle and let myself struggle. For years and years, I believed and supported the unhealthy standards of diet culture. I thought I needed to lose weight because a round tummy is not healthy or attractive. But I am undoing that toxic thinking and I am choosing to live my life and enjoy the parts of it that make me happy.

6. I need to trust my body.

My body is smart and I don’t need to starve it to look a certain way. If I am craving something sweet I eat it. If I am cravings something salty I eat it.

I eat things that full me up and I eat chocolate and burgers and whatever my body says it wants. Some days I crave a big hearty delish salad. Some days I crave a pizza and ice-cream. So I eat.

My body tells me what it needs and I give it to it. I am not gaining massive amounts of weight. My body is still the same size and shape. My clothes still fit.

Why did I not do this before? Ahh… the wasted years!!

My body knows what it needs. And I am earning its trust again.

Food is no longer something I need to be afraid of. Food is fun and enjoyable. As it should be.

Knowing I can eat those things means when I do eat I eat enough to feel satisfied and then that's it. Some days enough means a square of chocolate. Some days it means a whole ice -cream and some days I don’t want either of those things. Some days I want a smoothie for breakfast and other days I want ricotta pancakes with oodles of maple syrup and berries. And some days I want pasta and some days I want pizza and some days grilled chicken and salad.

Every day is different

No food is a no go.

The less I restrict myself the happier I am and the better my relationship with food. Healthy means a healthy relationship with food.

In the end…

It's not easy. It's hard. I am struggling. Some days I feel great and I love my body. I feel full of joy and happiness. I see my round tummy and my round thighs and my cellulite on the corners of my bum and I think to myself:

I am beautiful just the way I am. I don’t need to lose weight.

There is so much freedom in that thought. So much happiness and joy.

And yet to hold onto that thought, some days, is really hard. We have been raised to believe that skinny means healthy and weight loss is the ideal state of being. I am not trying to lose weight anymore.

Shock and horror!

I am trying and to live my life. I am letting go of unhealthy beauty standards and living life to the full. Life is limited when you try and lose weight all the time. I don’t want a limited life.