Motherhood is Destroying My Dreams of Writing
By: Alice Vuong
Tags: Writing, Inspiration, Motherhood, Life, Self Improvement

Motherhood is Destroying My Dreams of Writing

For now…anyway

Photo by Aung Soe Min on Unsplash

I had big plans for my maternity leave.

A whole year off.

I was going to write every day and maybe even make a decent income from my writing.

Big dreams. Grand plans.

And then I had my baby.

And well…that’s kept me busy

Really busy and tired.

And all the busyness and exhaustion has definitely derailed my plans of being a prolific writer this year.

I thought I’d be able to at least hit publish once a day

That would mean at least 7 articles in a week and 30 in a month.

Hahahaha.

In July, I published one article here on Medium. That’s it.

Shameful. I know.

I’m not afraid to admit that there are some days that I don’t write anything at all because I just want to sleep or my brain can’t muster up the energy to…well…think. So I write nothing and read nothing. Those days mainly consist of playing with my son or mindlessly watching TV when he sleeps.

Maybe I’m just a hack writer and I’m ok with that for now because as “easy” (compared to some other kids) as my son is, being a mom is hard. I have no idea how Shannon Ashley or Jun Wu do it because writing is hard and momming is even harder.

I feel guilty when I write

Unless my son is sleeping (like he is now), I feel a tremendous amount of guilt when I write. It’s probably a new mom thing but if he’s awake, I choose to play with him rather than write because I don’t want him to see me staring at my laptop and think I’m ignoring him.

Is that dumb? I mean he probably can’t even see that far right now…

I feel guilty when I don’t write

On the flip side, I also feel guilty when I don’t write because I love writing and I want to stick to it.

It feels like a never-ending battle of guilt.

I was not prepared for the pure exhaustion of staying at home

I had a misconception about staying at home. Obviously, I knew there would be an extra little human to take care of but I also figured “Hey, I don’t have to go to work anymore.” Getting ready for work, going to and from the office and actually working takes up a good 10 — 12 hours of my day.

That’s a whole 10–12 hours that would free right up.

Laughable I know.

There are days when I don’t leave my bedroom until 11 am and it’s mainly because I want to sleep. I have not gotten a full night’s sleep since becoming a mom. I don’t know when he’ll sleep through the night but 6 months of getting up every 2 hours are definitely taking a toll on my mental capacity to do even the simplest of tasks much less put together a coherent 1,000-word story.

It’s hard to stay focused

There are a lot of distractions.

Good distractions…sort of.

My son is now 6 months old. He’s moving around now (well…rolling around) and starting to eat solids. With him getting older and more mobile, balancing writing and motherhood becomes more difficult.

My mind is all over the place.

I can’t seem to concentrate on one thing or another.

Need to finish my story…laundry…my next story idea…clean the counters…webinar I want to attend…make food for him…

My focus has completely gone out the window.

I need to learn how to balance motherhood and writing

I thought it would be easier to balance motherhood and my writing during my “time off”.

I really did.

Now I realize that was naive thinking especially being a first-time parent. Parenthood has been hard but actually easier than I expected but finding balance is tough.

And I’m not sure how to find the balance between the two loves of my life.

Like with anything else, experience is everything and maybe 6 months in just isn’t enough experience.

And I’m okay with that for now.

Because life takes time.

Learning how to be a good mother takes time and it’s always changing. The same can be said for writing.

Important things take time and writing this makes me realize that motherhood isn’t destroying my dreams of being a writer. If anything, it’s allowing me to draw inspiration for my writing.

Yes, it takes me a thousand times longer to write anything now. One story could take me a few days or even a week to write.

As my son grows, I’m also growing — as a mother and as a writer. It’s not a matter of if I’ll be a good mother or if I’ll be a good writer, it’s only a matter of when.

The when just comes with experience.

And that takes time and I’ll keep trying as long as it takes.