Modern Chemistry’s Downside
By: William, Dollar Bill
Tags: Culture, Humor, Sex, Psychology, Education

Modern Chemistry’s Downside

Beware those toxic rubbers and lubes

Dainis Gravereis — Unsplash

News flash: Not only are all vaginas and penises not the same…but all lubes and rubbers differ as well. This I have come to appreciate (or fallen prey to) in the modern era.

Back in my “free love” youth, neither condoms nor lube were the order of the day. Birth control pills had just been developed and virtually every college girl was on them. As far as diseases went…yeah, you could catch something. But if you did, it wouldn’t kill you. And thus almost nobody used a rubber. As for lube? Never even heard of it!

Obviously, that has all changed. Unless a couple is married or in a committed relationship, out comes the wrapper at the crucial moment. And that wrapper is not only no longer the “one size fits all” raincoat of yesteryear…but it’s often bathed in some chemical or other which may or may not agree with your constitution.

When it comes to the chemical component, public enemy #1 is the nonoxynol-9 rubber! If I stick my stuff in one of those deals, I will immediately feel a stinging pinch at the end of Mr. Bill. And if I do not heed the warning and continue until completion, I will inevitably experience what I can only describe as a pin prick feeling which sends me through the roof every time I urinate for the next week. Brutal!

Then ya got your condoms with lubrication either on the inside or out which could set a guy off (and not in a good way). Add on condoms that contain a chemical which helps guys delay ejaculation. And finally…your warming or icing rubbers may also disagree with some users. I can tell you from personal experience, my delicate apparatus is adversely affected by a lot of these substances.

A few months ago, I neglected to ask my partner what kind of rubber she was using. And though it wasn’t the “killer,” there was something in the unit that hurt me. Once again, I asked myself “why didn’t you check first?”…a rule I’ve adopted over the years for my own comfort. The problem is sometimes while in the throes…I forget!

Then ya got all your different types of lube…yet another gauntlet to run!

I used to be big on receiving hand jobs — or “squishies” as we called them at Action Magazine. And it didn’t take long for me to realize that Astroglide (among others) was a no-no! Wet was (and is) cool as well as simple body lotion (some kinds) and KY liquid. But Lifestyles lube? Bad news. It became a trial and error thing with me taking careful notes so as not to be afflicted twice by the same “battery acid.”

The reason for all this lube-based drama is that all these different products are not the same. They use different chemicals to accomplish their mission. Just for example…paraffin-based lube caused problems in so many men that the good people at Astroglide eliminated the chemical from their product. So it’s come down to this: As a result of my being such a “tender” guy, I’ve opted for carrying my own rubbers and lube to the party! That way with a little pre-planning, I won’t have to worry

Here’s a funny story about different rubbers from a while back: When the moment came, my partner pulled the raincoat from her purse whereupon I had the good sense to ask what kind of condom she’d be using on me.

Obviously, from what you’ve just been reading, I was hoping for a dry sheath…or at least one doused in a familiar chemical. And ya know how she responded?

“It’s regular size.” Too funny.

Gosh! You’d think a pro would have the savvy to say “it’s a magnum. No problem!”

I’m reminded of the time I heard a phone girl ask a caller “where did you see our ad?”…whereupon the guy answered “at 42nd Street and 7th Avenue.”

“No douchebag! Which paper or website, you moron?” she shook her head and spanked the customer.

Anyway…enough of my treatise on the modern day perils of having a varied sex life.

“It’s regular size!” As if!