The *Magic* 5-to-1 Formula of Love
By: Kim Petersen
Tags: Life Lessons, Relationships, Psychology, Love, Connection

We have all done it at some point. Intentionally or unintentionally offended someone we care about with a spontaneous comment we didn’t really mean, even if we thought we meant it at the time.

Sometimes, it is those simple remarks delivered at just the right moment to provoke a response that are most infuriating. You know, the comments designed to condescend, shut you down, or attempt to show who is in charge of the conversation.

I hate being told to “calm down”.

Mainly because I am quite tranquil by nature and seldom lose control over my emotions, at least, not outwardly. So, when I do have something to say that is important to me, I damn well deserve to own that moment without being patronised, thankyouverymuch.

During the years spent married to my first husband, I read an article in the paper about the “success formula” in a romantic relationship. Apparently, researcher John Gottman found that we need a 5-to-1 ratio of positive to negative interactions with our intimate partner in order for love to thrive.

“The difference between happy and unhappy couples is the balance between positive and negative interactions during conflict. There is a very specific ratio that makes love last.”

It’s the “magic 5-to-1” ratio.

This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy relationship has at least 5 positive interactions.

Basically, the “magic” dynamic stems from the alignment and level of intimacy between the couple in question — how deeply their connection evokes feelings of love and intimacy, as well as respect and empathy for the other.

Gottman reinforces the emotional bond factor:

“A couple may be arguing, but they are also laughing and teasing and there are signs of affection because they have made emotional connections.”

The article suggested that readers make a list in order to gage how their relationship was fairing on the magic 5-to-1 ratio. Honestly, I didn’t need to make a list to tell me where my marriage landed on the positivity-interaction scale. It just didn’t.

My ex-husband’s idea of effective communication was a one-sided affair whereby intimidation, humiliation and bulldozing were his go-to approach in creating a trust-based connection.

He said many hurtful, cruel and threatening things over the years.

So much so, that I experienced a hard, lengthy lesson in slander and defamation. I learned all about the damaging and long-lasting psychological impact of hateful words.

When you share your life with a manipulative person who takes advantage of everything good inside of you, twists truths like cotton candy and berates you at every turn, after a while, you begin to believe in the things they tell you.

I also figured out that that was his objective.

The magic 5-to-1 ratio helped to put things in perspective for me. It was the moment when I didn’t feel as if I was totally losing my mind. Clarity found me and with it came the realization that I wasn’t all of those negative things that my husband pegged me for — Stupid. Ugly. Useless. Worthless. Nothing.

His behavior and horrible treatment of me and our children wasn’t my fault.

Our Words are Powerful

We can never retrieve our words once we put them out there. All we can do is work at reaching a better place for ourselves by learning from our mistakes to raise our personal standards and be mindful of what comes out of our mouths.

When we can do that, we can also begin to rebuild and nurture the trust with the important people in our lives — our great loves.

In no particular order — The things (I think) you should never say to your lover:

“Why Can’t You be More Like Her/Him?”

Erm…. come again, sweetheart?

If you find yourself comparing your mate to someone else, you are totally overlooking their unique and awesome qualities, as well as disrespecting them as a person.

Why?

Well, for a start, there is no honor, respect or esteem in comparing your mate to someone else.

And let’s call it straight — anyone would feel worthless and unappreciated by their significant other if he or she compared you to someone else — that’s exactly how your partner will feel too.

I have seen the comparisonitis effect first-hand when a close girlfriend once appeared at my door. Her eyes were like swollen cherries. She had been arguing with her boyfriend when he flung the “comparison-remark” at her.

“Why can’t you be more like…?”

The worst part was that he had compared her to me — her closest friend. It wasn’t that I was any better or worse than her. More that he was a friend of my boyfriend and knew that I was pretty chill when it came to the girlfriend-demands-department.

That’s just me.

Not so nice on his part.

His inconsiderate comment suggested that he undervalued my friend as a person and was unappreciative of their relationship, as if her time and love wasn’t enough for him. Needless to say, she was devastated and extremely hurt.

From PsychAlive:

“Comparisons can be a little bit selfish because you’re only thinking of what your partner can do for you, instead of considering the great aspects of your relationship like what good friends you are or how well you communicate.”

It’s worth remembering that each person and relationship are its own unique experience — each couple has their own exclusive personal vibe.

So, focusing on your mate’s positive qualities, like the ones you admire and hooked you in the first place, is what will create unforgettable experiences and emotional connection with your lover.

That’s what we all desire, right?

Name-Calling

Hello, verbal abuse.

At best, name-calling is hurtful to your partner, you and your relationship. At worst, it breaks the rules of trust and can be emotionally damaging.

Why?

When you call someone hateful names, you are actually negating them in every way possible. It’s mean-spirited, a sign of emotional immaturity and downright spiteful behavior.

I feel as if it is an attempt to take away from them in some way— you are literally denouncing someone as a valid human being by labelling them something they are not.

We all know that bully.

And we have learned that the act of name-calling says a lot more about the person dishing out the verbal slang than it does about the one receiving the assault.

It has a significant impact on emotional-wellness, too.

I should know, I have lived through severe verbal abuse which triggered feelings from low self-confidence and self-worth, to believing that there was something terribly wrong with me that made me unlovable.

The truth is that when you are involved with someone, there are going to be times when you argue, squabble like chickens and lash out at each other — that’s completely normal — but being inconsiderate and/or apathetic towards your lover’s feelings and attempting to hold power over their sense of self-worth is completely abnormal.

Healthy relationships don’t use name calling to resolve conflict or express love. Please don’t call your lover hateful names.

“It’s Over!”

In the realm of things that you shouldn’t say to your lover unless you really mean it, this simple but cutting statement has to sit somewhere at the top of the pile.

Why?

Because it’s emotional blackmail, that’s why.

And there is no way in hell that we should say things like “it’s over”, when our emotions are all twisted up on the inside.

My ex-husband favored this phrase in particular. I had heard about the end of our marriage countless times before it, well, ended.

He used the statement as a threat to expose my situation, knowing that I had little support and money should he just up and leave me alone with our babies.

He controlled every aspect of our finances and knew that I had nowhere to go.

The things you say can never be taken back. As well, declaring the end of your relationship when you’re all riled-up can make the other person feel insecure about the future of your relationship, long after the fight is over.

It chips away at the trust-bond.

Besides, threatening to walk away when you don’t really mean it won’t change your partner’s behavior or improve your relationship, taking action will.

The first and only time that I told my husband that it was over was the same day that I was prepared to walk away. It had been on my mind for the longest of times. So when I eventually said the words out loud, I never looked back.

If you want your partner to know that you no longer want them in your life, you’d better mean it.

“You Never… You are always so….”

Talking in absolutes?

I know, we have all been guilty of this violation at some point. Perhaps some of us more than others. If you think about it, most disagreements and arguments are rife with absolute words like “never” and “always”.

Absolute words define things which are conclusive and unquestionable, and should be especially avoided during argumentative conversations with your one and only.

Why?

Well, my dear, there really are no absolutes in life. Plus, using absolute words can come across as condescending, compromise your integrity and exude arrogance.

Here’s what relationship expert and psychotherapist, Darylevuanie Johnson has to say about it:

“Too often we fill in that blank with a negative word or statement that reflects what we see as a critical problem with our partner. Yet the words “always” and “never” are rarely true and only serve to make your partner feel “less than”.

Skip the finger-pointing absolutes.

If change is what you want, then change should be the topic of discussion.