Stoic Letter 7: On being gentle in your interactions
By: Darius Foroux
Tags: Stoic Letter, Stoicism, Philosophy, Life, Self

What triggers you? I can be very impatient, which is not Stoic at all. I especially get triggered when I have to wait somewhere. Doesn’t matter whether it’s in traffic or the line at the supermarket. “C’mon, really? Can this line move any slower!?” Somehow, I have a talent for picking the line that moves the slowest. That shouldn’t be a big deal because waiting an extra minute isn’t the end of the world.

But if you’re impatient, it feels like the biggest issue in the world at that moment. Impatience makes us treat others poorly, and for some weird reason, we often behave the worst towards the people we care about the most. One thing that has helped me to become more patient is an idea I picked up from Epictetus.

He said: “Always conduct yourself as though you are at a formal dinner. If the dish has not reached you yet, don’t be impatient. Wait your turn. When it comes around to you, reach out and take a modest amount.”

I love this idea of imagining you’re at a formal dinner, especially with people you know. You might be hungry and in a hurry to eat, but if you’re surrounded by acquaintances, you’ll be on your best behavior. It’s a gentle and restrained way of interacting with others, but also with yourself.

That’s something we often forget. When we’re triggered, we don’t only lash out to others, we also treat ourselves badly. The key is to be more gentle in our inner conversations as well.

Epictetus believed we also should be gentle with our wealth. How does that work? Be modest, that’s all. If your wealth decreases, don’t try to chase it back. That’s one of the key strategies of living a peaceful life: Never chase anything too hard.

It’s fine to want money, status, love, respect. To some degree, we all want to have those things in our lives. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting them. But once these outcomes become our primary goal, everything will go south. You know, Seneca was a wealthy and respectable character in Ancient Rome for most of his life. And the Stoics didn’t necessarily despise wealth. They simply could do with or without it. This mindset made a profound impact on the way I live. I remember chasing everything I wanted in life: Money, jobs, degrees, friends, lovers. But once I stopped, things came to me more naturally. And if things don’t come to me? So what? I don’t need much to be happy.

Let me ask you this: Would you rather be rich or poor? Okay, that’s an unfair question. Everyone prefers to be rich. But the Stoics didn’t mind being poor either. Sounds weird, but it’s true.

When you adopt this mindset, you stop chasing things in life. What you’ll find is that when you aspire to improve yourself, your relationships, and your skills, the things you want will come to you. That’s exactly like being at a formal dinner. You wait your turn, be on your best behavior, and the food will be served.

Be gentle in your interactions with others and with yourself. Don’t push yourself to go after your career goals too hard. Avoid thinking you’re behind on anything. Stop being in a rush. And if you’re acting gently that way, you will be “entitled to dine with the gods” as Epictetus beautifully said. All the best.