At 32, Magic Mushrooms Helped Me Experience Empathy for the First Time
By: Anna Foga
Tags: Psilocybin, Empathy, Life Lessons, Magic Mushrooms, Psychedelics

At 32, Magic Mushrooms Helped Me Experience Empathy for the First Time

Photo by Jannik Selz on Unsplash

I was born into a family with a narcissistic father. From a young age, I learned that showing my emotions was not going to benefit me in my situation.

My dad used his kids to feel better about himself and whenever something was wrong with the things we did he would beat it out of us, either verbally or physically. Crying or showing love was not an option, it only made things worse. So I decided I would never show anyone my feelings and promised myself I would always take care of only myself.

Over the years I developed an avoidant attachment disorder and went to several therapies for it. I could never understand why everybody was always so connected to another person and how they could ‘feel’ what somebody else was feeling.

Distanced Friendships

I started to wonder about my lack of empathy when I started college. Friends were pulling away from me and I soon received the label of being cold and distant. Even though I needed human connection, I kind of liked my way of thinking. I never had to feel sad for anybody else and I created my own happiness (so I thought at least). I loved traveling and working in other countries, so my lack of empathy came in very handy. I never had any trouble saying goodbye to friends and family and was always ‘on the go’.

Whenever I stayed somewhere longer, after about 6 months people would notice I didn’t care about them and my human relationships would normally fade after that. That would be the time for me to move to a new place and make new friends.

I lived my life like this for 6 years, travelling to 45 different countries. I had moments where I felt insecure about my personality; why could I never truly connect to anybody? But my nomadic lifestyle made hiding it so much easier. People in new places were always intrigued by me and my choices in life. I guess I was an interesting person to them; I had no fear of trying anything new, lived abroad for multiple years already, made money in all sorts of jobs and had stories to tell many people wouldn’t even experience in their lifetime.

I would never be able to make somebody happy because I just could not share their emotions.

Lonely Relationships

I thought I could go on like this forever; making temporary friends wherever I’d go, having temporary boyfriends while distancing more and more from my roots and my family back home. I tried having a ‘normal relationship’ and it made me see a side of myself I would never want to see again.

I had anger issues, feelings of depression and have never felt more lonely in my life than in the two years of being with my partner. It was then that I realised I was just not suitable for relationships; I would never be able to make somebody happy because I just could not share their emotions.

Until I moved to Mexico last year. I went on another solo journey, it was the first trip after I finally broke up with my boyfriend and the freedom was flowing through my veins. But soon the empathy issue came back: people I met all around me started to become real friends with each other, forming meaningful relationships and settling down.

How could I not feel what they are feeling? How could I not share their happiness between them? How could I not feel any emotions when somebody was sad?

I started to realise something was truly wrong with me; part of being human is connecting with another human. I simply could not connect with any other person. I already made plans again to leave Mexico to start a new life in another country, but something told me I should do the opposite of what my heart was screaming to me I would never have considered before: stay.

Choosing Growth

So I stayed. The moment I made the decision to invest in my life and my relationships, a massive load fell off my shoulders.

It was like I finally decided my past and my youth could not make me into this cold-hearted person for the rest of my life.

I felt so empowered and strong and I tried being vulnerable for the first time. But 32 years of living a selfish life and only caring about myself left its marks. I started to become extremely suspicious when people showed me they cared. I was so overwhelmed by all these strangers doing nice things for me, that I could not help but wonder what they might want in return.

My father still had his influence; when I was young he taught me that nothing in life comes for free and nobody would truly care about you unless there is something in it for them. He surely lived his life with this philosophy and I must admit that I adopted his way of thinking for many years.

Breaking Emotional Barriers

But then I started experimenting with psychedelics like mushrooms, LSD and mescaline. During my travels, I already tried numerous mind-opening drugs, but this time it was different.

I started to use them in a spiritual way, to learn about myself and why things are the way they are.

During one particularly strong magic mushroom dose, I saw all my friends gathering together, sharing a good time and each one of them had their own story, their own emotions. I saw myself dancing and I suddenly felt this wave of love for everyone coming over me.

I looked at each individual for who they were, not for what they could do for me. I felt their emotions, I felt their happiness and their sadness. And it made me feel the most human I could ever feel.

I finally realised that yes, you do want to feel empathy. It is beautiful to connect with somebody and share a piece of their life. Learn from them and help them on their journey, even if it’s just listening to their talks. I never even thought I had the capability of feeling this.

Magic mushrooms showed me a path into myself that I didn’t know existed.

Microdosing

I started to microdose tiny amounts of shroom powder every three days and those feelings of empathy kept coming to me even with those small doses. I stopped thinking of what others might think of me and could truly listen to them. I stopped worrying about who or what I am and felt like I was doing good no matter what.

I learned to show my own emotions as well and could show more vulnerability. I felt more creativity and motivation to do something useful. I was happier in general and had more energy. I also tuned in to being more spiritual, could finally let go of things that didn’t always go the way I planned and trust more in the Universe.

I microdosed for a month and then I wanted to see if I kept feeling like this without psilocybin as well. The effect lasted for about three months before I needed to start another month of microdosing to elevate my empathy again.