A Conversation Between Jason And His Addiction
By: Timothy O'Neill
Tags: Addiction, Self, Mental Health, Life

A Conversation Between Jason And His Addiction

A One Act Play

Image by Лечение Наркомании from Pixabay

Jason: I need you to let me go.

Addiction: We’re past that. I’m inside you, I am you. I’m your secret self. I’m the shadow you, the one you try to keep hidden from the light but the one that guides all your behaviors, the one that shows up in your dreams, the one that determines your present and maps out your future.

Jason: I am taking my power back.

Addiction: From me? Without me you would have no compass. You be stranded, lost. Your brain is so cooked you could never feel pleasure again without me. I drive you towards what feels good. I get you your dopamine hits, I get you the opiate release. I get you the happy feelings and when you’re happy you don’t have a care in the world. When you’re not happy, bad things happen to you.

Jason: I can recover from you. With time my brain can heal.

Addiction: Oh, come on now, Jason. Neuroplasticity? How long will that take? One year? Two years? Longer? Can you live in pain, in the grey skies, in the drab, flat nothingness for that long? How much coffee can one man drink? How many cigarettes can you smoke? How many bars of chocolate can you eat? Not enough, my friend, not enough. And if you don’t get the good stuff I’ll just work on other things. Dangerous things. You like to cut and burn, don’t you Jason?

Jason: You’re a bully and a thief and a liar. You’ve stolen from me. You’ve stolen my health, my self-respect, my money, my time, my friendships, the trust I built with my Mom and Dad. You stole Cassandra from me. You’ve taken my life. You’ve taken everything.

Addiction: Don’t make excuses. You’re the captain of this ship. You took the first drink, and the second and the third. You snorted that first Adderall, you popped that first Vicodin.

Jason: I was in unbearable pain. I did what I thought I had to do to survive.

Addiction: And I am the natural consequence of that decision. So here we are. We both know where we stand. You were losing your mind so you gave me the keys and asked me to drive and I did. And now you’re in no condition to take the wheel.

Jason: I’ve stopped drinking. I just have to wean down off the Xanax and I’ll be through with you.

Addiction: How many days off the alcohol?

Jason: Nineteen.

Addiction: You’re a babe in the woods. You’re my meal ticket. You won’t stop the Xanax. You have another refill.

Jason: I’m throwing this bottle out.

Addiction: Nope.

Jason: I’m done.

Addiction: You want it so bad you’re shaking. I can feel you shaking. You’re so hungry for it. Eat. For both our sakes, just eat.

Jason: I moving beyond you.

Addiction: No one ever really does. At best they die before we can reclaim them. It’s simply a matter of time. I am inevitable, Jason. Once the mechanism is in place, there is nothing you can do to restructure it from the ground up. It’s always there, ready to strike. And it’s always more powerful than your conscious mind. It thinks faster than you do, it wants harder than you do.

Jason: I’m ready to treat my depression without the crutch of drugs and alcohol. I’m ready to give this a shot sober. I was dying. You’re not going to kill me.

Addiction: I never wanted to kill you. I feel no shame when I say I am a parasite and I want my host to live as long as possible. But I’m also irrational and I don’t give a shit about your health or wellbeing and I am governed by one simple principle. More.

Jason: And I’ve had enough. You will not be the death of me. I still have people who support and love me and I am not going to let them down. I am going to give my all to this fight and I am not going to stop fighting until I have conquered you.

Addiction: Bravado. Tough talk. Surrender to me. Admit you’re powerless. Give in. Do what the Big Book says.

Jason: The Big Book is not what is going to save me. Standing up to you and fighting back is the way I win this war. I’ve been too passive. I need to be assertive. I need to tell you to go climb a tree. I need to tell you that this is my body, my life and that it special and wonderful and unique to me and that I am tired of handing it over to you. We’re done.

Addiction: Throw the bottle away.

Jason: I’m still weaning down.

Addiction: Go climb a tree, Jason. Put up or shut up.

Jason: I’m taking out the amount I need to complete the taper. Now I’m scratching off the prescription number on the label and now I am dumping the rest of the pills down the drain. And now I’m calling the pharmacy to cancel any refills on my prescription. And now I’m calling my psychiatrist to inform him that I can no longer be prescribed Xanax because I was abusing it. There, what do you think of that?

Addiction: I think you’re going to hit the streets tonight with your remaining cash looking for a hookup. I think you’re desperate and scared and you won’t know what hit you when the time comes. You will be climbing the walls, drooling, aching for a hit of whatever someone is passing around. I could see you grabbing a hot crackpipe and stuffing it between your lips and taking a few puffs while your fingers burn. I could see you grabbing a dirty needle and plunging it into your arm. I could see you snorting coke mixed with baby powder and fentanyl and overdosing in your car. I could see you buying two pints of the cheapest vodka and drinking until you blackout and wind up in a prison cell covered in your own blood.

Jason: That’s not my story today. My story is a story of triumph, of hope, of commitment, of courage. Today I took the first real step towards conquering my addiction. Today I took my power back from the devil.