6 Ways That COVID-19 Has Affected Me As A Transgender Woman
By: Kathryn Foss
Tags: Mental Health, LGBTQ, Culture, Transgender, Covid 19

6 Ways That COVID-19 Has Affected Me As A Transgender Woman

The playing field actually seems a little bit more level.

Photo by Edwin Hooper on Unsplash

So how is the pandemic treating you? Has this coronavirus forced you and those in your life to change how you go about your daily lives? I have read and heard a lot about how lots of people are modifying their habits and routines to adjust for the additional stress of the pandemic, and the extra time needed to properly protect themselves, while interacting in a higher than normal risk environment.

Honestly, this is scary for everyone. We’ve all likely witnessed other pandemics in our lifetimes like MERS or SARS, or even caught the annual flu and maybe took a long time to recover. But we do not know everything about the cause of the COVID-19 pandemic, which can lead to fear.

Additionally, not everyone reacts to widely issued health guidelines in the same way. We see groups of people continuing their lives as if the pandemic does not exist. They party and congregate with no apparent care for the recommended distancing and protection measures. On the other hand, we see people stocking up on essentials and squirrelling themselves away in the protection of their homes, trying to avoid any possible contact with anyone who may be carrying the virus.

Dealing with all of this is definitely not easy for most people. Mainly because of all the unknowns and all the changes. For many, what makes it even harder is seeing those who aren’t even trying to be serious about the potential risks of a global pandemic.

For those of us who happen to be transgender, these times can present even more challenges… or, these times can potentially make the playing field seem just a little bit more level.

“The truth is, as transgender people, this is what we have been forced into being prepared for our whole lives.”

Honestly, it’s not all that bad of a situation… well, not really. The whole virus thing — with its health impacts, risk of death — none of that is good for anyone. But the day-to-day impacts on how we navigate things are not that bad.

The truth is, as transgender people, this is what we have been forced into being prepared for our whole lives. In some ways, you could say we’ve been trained for this.

Many of the aspects of daily life during this pandemic which cause disruption for the greater populations are, in fact, regular annoyances for transgender people. Annoyances we’ve learned to either live with or cope with. I’ll explain so you don’t think I’ve gone insane with all my squirrel friends…

1. Masks and ambiguity

There has been a lot of discussion and pushback regarding the imposition of mandatory face masks. Some people have fears of masks, some have health issues which are exacerbated by wearing a mask. Others simply do not want to be told what to do.

Face coverings place a barrier between people, making it difficult to read the other person’s expressions. There’s also concern over whether it’s possible to ascertain another person’s intentions or trustworthiness if their face is not fully visible.

In many ways, transgender people have been used to these issues their whole lives. We have learned to neither rely on, nor trust the outward appearance of others. Social norms and discrimination have forced us to hide our own true selves, while maintaining an outward public expression of happiness living as our sex assigned at birth.

We know that what one sees on the surface is not always the internal reality.

Similarly, we experience others acting as if they are supportive and accepting, yet beneath the surface, despise our very existence. So in that way, face masks are the perfect equalizer; they place each and every person at the same level of disadvantage in trying to determine one another’s true intentions.

We should, in fact, rely on action to assess trustworthiness; repetitive and consistent action demonstrates behavior far better than any facial expression, and trans people seem to know this lesson innately.

2. Being avoided

There’s also something scary about putting on a face mask, as it seems there’s a connotation of medical care, or something toxic that we need protection from. Putting one on yourself might stir up feelings of fear or harm, and seeing others with masks on may reinforce how fearful you are (or “should” be).

Before the pandemic, if I saw someone on the street wearing a mask, I would give them a wide berth. I would subconsciously think there was a reason I needed to stay away from that person. But nowadays, just about everyone gives everyone else a wide berth automatically.

The thing is, as a transgender person I have been given these “wide berth” distances over and over again. It happened throughout my transition, and it happens throughout my daily life as a trans woman. Of course, this is only my interpretation of other people’s actions, but I have felt that these distances given to me are a direct result of others being unsure of who, or what I am… And I feel that, somehow, the further away I am from that person, the less unease they will feel in determining how to interact with me.

Time will tell as to how this plays out post-pandemic. Will societies continue to maintain these distances as a way to protect against the unknowns carried by those physically intersecting our existence? Or will we return to the crowded pathways and establishments where “personal space” has no place? Will our future bring trans people like me into the norm, or will it return to a place where we continue to feel like outsiders — primarily because others push us away or avoid us?

3. Vocal issues

I don’t know about you, but the pandemic has put some pressure on my throat, not from any kind of sickness, but simply from communicating with others. I would hazard a guess that the distances we’re keeping from each other have a contributing factor; we can’t simply whisper in a friend’s ear anymore.

Even during this pandemic I have found myself a regular customer at my local coffee shop. For convenience and safety, I typically use the drive-through. But so do a lot of others seeking the same. I do end up ordering ahead and then go inside to pick up my cup of delicious caffeine-based heaven, but that causes its own problems. The staff end up asking customer names so as to see if their drinks are ready, but these questions (and their inevitable muffled responses) drum up a mix of potential outcomes for customers like me… that is, those of us who rely on some level of stealth to survive a life of relative normalcy.

As I stand on one of the institutional floor dots demarking proper social distancing, staff members scan the waiting clientele and query those waiting in order to play a game of retail “match-em.” As they ask my name, I meekly respond, “Kat… erm, Kathryn,” to which the guaranteed, “sorry, I didn't get that” requires me to dig deeper and say, “KATHRYN.”

Digging deeper is counter to the quiet, meek and hidden person I try to be, mirroring what I view as the norm of womanhood and femininity. However, I am unable to achieve this norm. Because simply stating my name for the barista with a mask across my face draws out a garbled — but distinctly masculine — voice, betraying my identity and my expression.

Who knew that simply picking up my coffee would crush the hope and optimism I work with each day?

4. Fear of healthcare

It’s interesting to consider that one of the greatest tools we have in overcoming this pandemic is our healthcare system. The better prepared and equipped they are, the better the chance we have of surviving any infection. The better prepared and equipped they are, the better the chance we have of gaining cures for this sickness. Our healthcare systems and their workers have truly been the unsung heroes of this pandemic.

But what of those needing healthcare for issues other than the Coronavirus? I know a number people who avoided going to the hospital for fear of putting themselves at risk of getting infected. It seems it’s becoming a regular occurrence now to just “work through” something which previously would’ve necessitated an ER visit.

For transgender people, this is common even when not in the middle of a pandemic. Many of us are fearful of healthcare. And many of us unfortunately have too many experiences reminding us that there can actually be more harm done by seeking help. Even though the type of harm I’m referring to isn’t like that of a disease or virus, it is no less potentially lethal.

Being transgender within a healthcare system can result in a lack of treatment (or inappropriate treatments), irrelevant linkages to gender transitioning, harassment, discrimination, and so on. Even the basic fundamental right of having one’s gender identity respected is not guaranteed. Each of these outcomes are just as likely to lead to harm, or even loss of life, as becoming infected with COVID-19 would.

It is no wonder that people in general avoid hospitals and doctors during a pandemic, as it’s easier to live with some pain and discomfort rather than face the potential of even greater harm.

5. Practicing patience

It sounds like a broken record by now, but how many of you have heard someone ask, “when is this pandemic going to end? I want things to go back to normal.” I can understand why people ask this question; many fear the unknown, finding it difficult to cope or manage their lives without firm answers or any view of the future.

While I can’t speak for all trans people, many of us do suffer from some mental health condition, which is only further exacerbated by also having gender dysphoria. Personally, I’ve had issues with anxiety — and a lack of information making it difficult to cope with unknowns only feeds the cycle.

When it comes to learning patience, and an ability to simply accept that there will always be life-altering events, or decisions to make based on those events (such as pandemic response), transgender people have already been dealing with this reality for a long, long time.

For those of you who don’t know, transition is typically the best way to address gender dysphoria, but transitioning is a long process (some would argue life-long), and it is subject to extensive gatekeeping by outsiders with their own agendas and biases.

Most people who transition get frustrated at the beginning because of the slow nature of approvals, and the lack of understanding by decision makers. As time passes though, many of us accept that the only way to get through our transition is to just be patient, do what’s required, and acknowledge that we are not in control.

This sounds a lot like what humanity must do in the middle of a global pandemic.

Many people question why we must follow government directions, why rights are being restricted to improve safety, and even, who has the right to be making decisions. Perhaps it time for everyone to just sit down and be patient, like us trans people have been doing forever.

6. Isolation and guilt

Ironically, isolation is both a required tool for combatting the pandemic as well as one of its worst side effects. While there are some people who enjoy personal time and solitude, many struggle with a long term lack of social interaction. The pandemic has robbed many people of these basic fundamental needs.

I, for one, did not have a big social life beforehand, as most of my social needs were met through work-related activities. But a couple of months before the pandemic happened, I retired. With the resulting disappearance of face-to-face contact and social spontaneity, I felt a great sense of loneliness. And I very much internalized that feeling, which drove a sense of responsibility and guilt… that it was my fault that I was alone.

Some of this comes simply from being transgender. Many put off coming out and transitioning for fear of losing family, friends, work, etc. The act of living authentically can, unfortunately, become the catalyst for a life lived alone and sad. When we’re at our lowest points, it’s often hard for trans people to not link their transition with their loneliness, and therefore, feel a sense of guilt… even though we’re decidedly not continuing to live a lie.

While I don’t want anyone to feel lonely, the fact that the pandemic has forced so many people into isolation — and subsequently, longing for a chance to interact with friends and family — has actually helped me a lot. I didn’t secretly start seeing friends to fulfill my needs, but rather, I felt some consolation that others were experiencing what I have been feeling for a while.

What has been helpful is that it became easier for me to accept that this fear of loneliness is not my fault, just like the isolation caused by the pandemic is not the fault of anyone else feeling lonely.

So where does this leave us? I know I feel better right now than I did before the pandemic. Which is funny, since the pandemic is not over yet. Perhaps it’s more a sense of sharing this pain with my fellow human beings. Or that this pain we’re all sensing at present is unrelated to any individual personal characteristic… like being transgender.

I feel like some of what I’ve experienced as a trans woman — transitioning at this point in my life — has prepared me better for this pandemic. I believe that the impacts have been softer on me than on many others simply because I have experienced similar impacts as a trans woman.

At this point I actually feel that being transgender during a pandemic has left me in a better position than most cisgender people. I even feel a bit lucky to be transgender right now, with the other 99.5% of the species getting a small sense of the struggles and hurdles that we live with constantly. Right now, I have the advantage!

It will end though, at one point, this feeling of “superiority.” The pandemic will end, humanity will return to some sense of normalcy, and I will return to the normalcy of not being “normal.” And when it ends, like many others, I will rejoice that we have beaten this disease, even though that means I’ll lose this temporary advantage. But until then, I’m living in the moment!