An Apology for the Bee Release at Our Wedding Ceremony
By: Heather Talty
Tags: Satire, Weddings, Marriage, Comedy, Humor

HUMOR

An Apology for the Bee Release at Our Wedding Ceremony

Photo by Breana Panaguiton on Unsplash

First, I’d like to thank our dear family and friends, from Great Aunt Ethel and her much younger boyfriend, to Brandon’s former coworkers, for attending our wedding. Having you there made it special! I’d also like to share my deepest apologies for the chaos and injury that ensued at the end of our otherwise very touching ceremony, when we released the swarm of bees.

Brandon and I love to make sure everything we do has a touch of our style — and completely demolishes every other event we’ve ever attended. We really thought our reclaimed boho rustic themed wedding announcement, disco engagement party, and coed stag party featuring with a real stag was the answer. But then we really enjoyed the special touches our friends and loved ones have added to their ceremonies, from Shyla and Tim’s sand ceremony to Arthur and Sophia’s butterfly release, to Kathleen and Michael’s actual Catholic Church wedding, with a real priest and actual hour-and-a-half long ceremony during which we had to eat bread and drink blood. How quaint! It told us something about every one of those couples. It told us they’re trying to take the title of ‘most memorable wedding.’ And this aggression can’t stand. The answer was clearly bees.

If you know Brandon and I, you know we’re environmentalists ( I don’t go anywhere without my reusable tote and paper straw!) and we’re both deeply concerned about the plight of the bees worldwide. Perhaps in this specific setting we should have been more concerned about the fact that bees sting and that many people are allergic to bee stings, including apparently my bridesmaid Mary Elise, cousin Beth, Brandon’s boss, and Great Aunt Ethel’s boyfriend (though her invitation didn’t include a plus one, so maybe it worked out. Kidding!) You were all missed at the reception!

To the rest of you who made it through dinner and dancing with elevated cortisol levels and a few small welts, we hope you made liberal use of the open bar and enjoyed your night! We know we did, and we’re happy to share the copious photos and video we took with you all at your earliest convenience. Many of the photos are of you all running from the bees, but you look stylish and enthusiastic, even while screaming in fear. Big props of course to the bridal party, who all stayed out in the garden to take pictures, even as the swarm grew louder, closer, and more organized. Big props as well to the paramedics who posed for pictures over the stretchers, allowing all of our guests to be part of our memorable day. And the biggest props to Brandon’s former co-workers, who evidently still haven’t recovered from the time he released two adorable bear cubs during a Save the Wildlife happy hour, and forgot to mention mama bear was in the office as well. We’re happy to hear Bob woke up from his catatonic state! You guys are troopers!

Of course, we’d also like to note our appreciation for Happy Grove, our wedding venue, and recommend them as the perfect venue for your celebrations, as long as you don’t mind sharing your party with the bees. They have apparently taken up permanent residence in the outdoor garden and have become quite territorial. We all know how important bees are for the environment, and appreciate Happy Grove giving them a new home against their will, even if it means all future wedding guests will need to sign a liability waiver before entering.