Wombles’ Noses
By: First Time Mama
Tags: Mothers, Breastfeeding, Pregnancy, Baby

Boobs, Boobies, Boobicles, Puppies, The Twins, Melons, Cupcakes, Danny Devitos (the DDs!), Pillows, Bazookas, Bazoombas, Bristol Cities, The Girls, Iced Gems, Coconuts, Breasticles, Lady Bubbles, Mams, Baps, Pinky and Perky, The Brad Pitts, Funbags, Chesticles, Jubblies, Jugs and Hooters.

There are more, many more, but they all add up to the same thing — breasts. They will be your best friends and your worst enemies. They work for you and they work against you, yet they are part of what so clearly marks you out as a woman and it’s really in pregnancy and motherhood that they earn their stripes.

You’ll already have established your relationship with your breasts from a young age, whether raging that your fried eggs don’t seem to get any bigger or waiting for grown men to work out where your eyes are from the age of 16 onwards. It’s a complex relationship and you often want what you can’t have: it’s likely that the girl in the Students’ Union that could hold a pint in her cleavage was just working with what she had, rather than being cock-a-hoop at having a rack. She would much rather have had a pair of pinpricks which meant she could sleep on her front. It works the other way too though.

When you become pregnant, your relationship with your boobs changes again and it can be quite a cruel affair. For those who are dying to get pregnant, your never quite sure if sore boobs are an early sign of pregnancy or just an ill-fitting bra. Pregnant boobs take on a life of their own. Small-chested women may delight at going up a cup size or two, but for the ample bosom, it can make them feel like actual melones. There seems to be no end to the ways in which your boobs change, shift and morph while you are pregnant. But that’s ok, because they’ll go back to normal when the baby comes.

First Time Mamas, you’re probably at the point of realising that this is simply not true. Like your feet, your boobs WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN.

For some people, they end up with a little more than before and that’s a result. For others, they stop being bountiful and start feeling a bit droopy.

Now, let’s add to that the impact of breastfeeding. Mother Nature is an absolute cow, because while you’re feeding and worried about your nipples heading south, your breasts remain pumped and ready for action. That’s ok — they’re doing a great job — and you were so worried about ending up like one of those women whose boobs seem to go down to their upper thighs.

Well, honestly — and I’m telling you this because I love you — be prepare for the deflate. It doesn’t happen that quickly. There’s also hope after the first child. But trust me when I say that they are going dahhhhn.

As your children get up a bit, you start to notice that all breasts are not equal and that, when everyone is through the infant stage, that some women look, well, positively perky. It can make you wonder what their secret is — good genes? Exercise? Well, it turns out that their secret is a boob job. I’m not claiming that 100% of tight tittied mamas have had gone under the knife — just 100% of the ones that I know.

While other women invest in scaffolding-strength bras, others cut straight to the chase. There’s no judgement here. They look amazing. They can’t sleep on their front either, but that just makes us equal. They feel amazing and you can sense their inner happiness (in terms of their bust anyway).

Looking at a pair of droopy boobs can bring you down a bit, but there’s nothing wrong with only looking at yourself in a mirror with a bra on for the rest of your life. It’s ok to take what life has given you — your beautiful children are a testament to your titular sacrifice — but here is something that stayed with me and it is one of the most undeniable truths about motherhood I have ever heard…

In a group of friends, we were discussing who’d had some work and who hadn’t. It was reasonably easy to work out who’d seen the surgeon — their nipples seemed to still be pointing forward. We asked one mum, who was more than happy to explain her decision to get a boob job. She said, ‘They were really getting me down. They looked just like Wombles’ noses.’

Rather than laugh, the un-boob-jobbed mothers simply looked down at their own chests as a wave of realisation came over them. Yes, Wombles’ noses perfectly describes the post-baby, post-feeding breast.

I’ll leave that with you.

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