How to Deliver Harsh Feedback to Someone You Respect
By: Tim Denning
Tags: Teamwork, Leadership, Feedback, Succeed, Work

How to Deliver Harsh Feedback to Someone You Respect

In relationships you value, speaking up is critical

Photo: 10'000 Hours/Getty Images

I had to say it: Our business relationship wasn’t working.

This was a colleague I respected. I admired their accomplishments and genuine kindness to strangers. I had learned many things from this person and was proud of what we accomplished together. We were friends, even. Over beers, we always got along great.

But at work, we had become accidental rivals. This colleague was acting as the gatekeeper between me and our clients, preventing me from making any progress on our goals. It was as if they were working against me, not with me. The tension had been growing.

It’s easy to stay quiet about problems in relationships we value. Leadership coaches Jack Zenger and Joe Folkman led a study of 2,700 leaders and found that the majority of them avoided giving feedback — especially corrective or negative feedback. Forty-three percent of leaders said they found giving corrective feedback to be a “stressful and difficult experience.”

But if we hold off on delivering harsh but necessary feedback, we allow issues to build up until they can no longer be resolved. With my colleague, in order to avoid turning an already difficult situation into a toxic one, I had to get tactical. Here’s what I learned.

Start with the good

Start with what the person does well. There’s a good reason this is the standard format for delivering any type of feedback. The person you’re talking to will automatically be less defensive if they feel like you are being fair. You might talk about the skills you admire in them or what you have learned from them. A compliment makes criticism easier to bear.

Leave the emotions out of it

When we care about our work, it’s natural to get emotional about it. Becoming frustrated or angry, however, is sure to make feedback hard to hear. Be assertive but polite. And this part is crucial: Focus on the behavior instead of the person. That way you can deliver a message that’s clear and constructive.

Add a story from your experience

Throwing in a story about how you have made similar mistakes lets the person know that you’re not implying you’re perfect. (“I used to think I could do it all myself, too.”) If you’ve ever received the same feedback, mention it. Humans act in surprisingly uniform ways, and chances are the notes you’re giving have at one point been given to you. Remember that feedback isn’t about talking down to someone — it’s about analyzing the past with the intention of improving the future.

Find the opportunity

When I gave harsh feedback to my colleague, something surprising happened. My colleague opened up about the fact that a family member was battling cancer. I had no idea. We talked about how the difficult situation was affecting their work, and the ways we could help one another. It turned out that my colleague had been wanting to release the reins and let me share the workload, but wasn’t sure how to let go. We found solutions and also created systems to help us talk through issues on a regular basis.

It’s not easy to give harsh feedback, but it’s even more difficult to endure a broken situation. When you work up the courage to have the conversation, you make space for a solution.