Marriage and Everything in Between
By: Ugochi Nwangwu
Tags: Marriage, Adulting, Parenthood, What If, Tattoo

Marriage is something that I want, but that also really scares the shit out of me.

It’s kind of like getting a tattoo and if you’re like me it might take you a hell of a long time to decide on what type of tattoo you want to get. Then when you get it, you have to live with it for the rest of your life only if you want to go through the very painful process of getting it removed (i.e. divorce).

Or you might love the tattoo for the rest of your life and never want it removed because although you may have changed in many ways. That tattoo would always represent a part of you, or remind you of a certain time in your life.

Or I mean it might just be a tattoo which is basically permanent ink on your skin which isn’t really anything deep or significant to you.

Point is just like I have not been able to decide on what tattoo I want to get for about 5 years although I really like tattoos. That’s how I can’t decide how I feel about marriage. Do I really love it? Why am I so stressed by the thought of it? Why does it scare me so much? Why do I long for it with such intensity?

Do I really love it?

I think I do. Because the thought of long-term companionship with someone you really like, sounds nice. Although, building a life and family sounds hella stressful, but I guess it might be fun doing it with someone that’s your best friend right?

Maybe it’s cause my parents' marriage has also been the first and still the closest picture to marriage I’ve ever had and they seem pretty happy to me. They’ve been married 27 years and seem to know each other like the back of their hands but are still able to annoy the hell out of each other (which I find totally romantic by the way). Being annoying is one my love languages so annoying the love of my life for the rest of his life seems like a fun challenge.

Or it’s because l’m just a hopeless romantic that wants that 90’s RnB music type of love with slow grinding, deep lyrics and baby making sex. Which I still believe I can find if only I just hang on a little while longer to my dream companion.

Why am I so stressed by the thought of it?

The experiences I’ve heard bruh, it’s like is this really marriage that you’re mistaking with hell or suffer-head Olympics? The fear that someone might just completely switch up on you and not be the same person you thought you knew. Or someone marrying you to punish you and even crazier shit than that.

Commitment is another fear, I know love is a decision and choice. But just the thought of being fully and wholly committed to someone for the rest of your life can sound mighty daunting.

What if you need a mini break or something from them? You know as friends, nothing final and stuff.

What if you change and they don’t like you again? What if you kind of fall in love with another person? What would that mean?

See this brings me back to that damn tattoo, I can’t commit to getting one cause what if I can’t relate to the tattoo I get a few years from now? What happens to it then?

Why does it scare me so much?

Children are really part of the long-term package that is marriage?! *laughs in fake disbelief*

I’m someone’s child and totally understand how parents can really get tired of this parenting thing. It’s like an advanced level of this adulting, which is already a scam. Kids are accountable to you for the rest of your life.

Let’s not get started on the nightmare that is pregnancy or that of horrible in-laws. Like I have to give up alcohol for 9 months + (if you add breastfeeding months), then get fat and basically be sick for 9 whole months?? For a child that would now be forming to get the remote that’s beside me? Wow! The horror.

Honestly, one of my greatest fears is the what if the person I finally decide I have to spend the rest of my life with after getting past all these hurdles now just dies. Yeah, deep. But what if a few years down the line when things are going good, we’re figuring things out and then like play, like play the person is no more. Sure, this might be morbid and negative or whatever but that’s just a legitimate thought/fear that crosses my mind. Then you have to do the life thing without them after planning and deciding to do it with them.

Or what if the person gets terminally ill or disabled then just changes on you. Never take for granted how greatly being ill can change a person, only very few people are able to remain unaffected by it. I don’t wish for any of these scenarios, but I still think about them because I might just be that person it happens to.

Why do I still long for it with so much intensity?

Sigh and we’re right back to the 90’s RnB love thing. I guess I want to feel so strongly about someone, because I consider that as strength in a sense. Being able to love and fully commit to a person or family is not an easy task. But I feel I’ll be a stronger person if I’m doing it for someone deserving.

Plus, I want to still slow dance to 90’s RnB when I’m gray and old with the love of my life, whilst singing the wrong lyrics cause I know that annoys him. Many things could ruin a marriage or make it fail, but what if it doesn’t? What if he knows exactly how I like my plantain and uses the toothpaste like a human being? Doesn’t that mean we would have a shot? Plus I also need to bless the world with mini me’s so that’s another craving.