The Loneliness Hangover
By: John Thomas
Tags: Health, Culture, Spirituality, Politics, Religion

The so-called loneliness epidemic has been well documented over the last decade. Though there is consensus that loneliness is a problem, how to define that problem, its causes, and who it affects most severely, is much more difficult to determine. Historian and economist Neil Howe cites recent studies that reveal vast swaths of American adults who always or sometimes feel lonely (46%), over half of elderly Britons whose main source of companionship is the TV or a pet, and over half a million Japanese men and women under 40 who haven’t spoken with another human being for six months or more. It is clear that loneliness is pervasive and affecting people the world over.

Others when addressing the issue seem to focus on the increase of single households. An article in the Guardian claims,

“the number of people living alone globally is skyrocketing, rising from about 153 million in 1996 to 277 million in 2011 — an increase of around 80% in 15 years.”

As it stands today 34% of households in the UK are of the single variety as are 27% of households in the U.S.

Jake Meador in his new book In Search of the Common Good, identified loneliness for the scourge that it is. He rightly notes that many are now against community as much as they are against Christianity. He mentions the UK’s Campaign to End Loneliness and highlights the recently coined term “deaths of despair,” which refer to the increasing number of suicides and deaths caused by drug overdose and alcoholism that largely affect rural areas.

Most commentators can agree that loneliness has devastating health effects, both mental and physical. One study suggested that loneliness was twice as unhealthy as obesity and another claimed that isolation can actually modify human cells and eventually lead to increased risk for heart disease, stroke, Alzheimers and more.

With an issue this pervasive and complex solutions can be hard to come by. But if we take a step back we can see that the loneliness epidemic is actually three separate and distinct (though somewhat interrelated) problems.

First, many are concerned about loneliness rates among the elderly. This is the segment of the population that organizations like The Campaign to End Loneliness and others like The Silver Line are concerned with helping.

The second problem is found in our cities. Working adults, who for the sake of career advancement, among other reasons, delay marriage and typically live alone. In Washington D.C. and New York City there are neighborhoods where as high as two thirds of households are occupied by individuals living on their own.

The third type of loneliness might be better categorized as a loss of meaning. It is experienced by those living in rural areas where “deaths of despair” rates are at their worst and might be caused by how difficult it is to find meaningful work in those places. By way of example, Meador draws attention to West Virginia, the state hardest hit by the opioid crisis and particularly susceptible to deaths of despair.

Each of these three strands of the loneliness epidemic have their own unique challenges, causes and solutions. By using the language of epidemic, those addressing the problem of loneliness call to mind helpless victims who randomly contract the disease through no fault of their own. This might be the case for some, but as we’ll see in a moment, it doesn’t seem to be the most accurate way to conceptualize the issue.

We could also think of loneliness as a type of relational poverty, but this idea too doesn’t quite fit. One writer turned the tables on loneliness and described it like a drug, one that people are addicted to. He argues that historically people were forced to be together and rely on one another for survival. Now that we can afford to be alone, we choose to be, because that is the way we prefer to live.

This idea is close but still misses the mark, if by ever so much. Instead of thinking about loneliness like an epidemic, form of poverty, or type of drug people are addicted to, another way to understand loneliness is as a hangover.

Instead of loneliness being the drug, it is the painful after effect brought on by the “drug” we are addicted to — the drug of pleasing self.

Our society prizes autonomy above all else, it is our gospel. In the words of Emile Durkheim, we subscribe to “the cult of the individual.” “Hookup culture,” sacrificing family on the altar of career advancement, delayed marriage, a birth rate of 1.72 children per woman, astronomical divorce rates; many of the decisions people make throughout their lives are for their own betterment rather decisions made in the interest of what is best for others, nation, or God.

Milton’s Satan famously said, “It is better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven.” We agree with that statement to the extent we are willing to sacrifice relationships for the chance to sit upon the throne of our lives. We have sown seeds of selfishness and are now reaping a harvest of loneliness. As we prioritize just about everything above relational commitment — even Netflix binging and mindless Facebook scrolling — we should not be surprised that our culture is in the throes of a loneliness crisis — a loneliness hangover.

There is of course a way forward, a way to overcome our loneliness hangover. We have to rebel against ourselves. We have to recommit to relational commitment. That would entail forsaking “hookup culture” and all consumptive relationship mentalities. It would mean getting married young, and staying married. It would mean having more babies. It would mean making decisions based not on what is best for me, but what is best for others. There is a word for this, it is sacrifice. If we sow seeds of sacrifice we will reap a harvest, not of loneliness, but of deep joy in relationship.

Ecclesiastes 4:9–10 is a particularly good word for our current loneliness predicament, a word we would all do well to remember. “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” SDG

John Thomas is a freelance writer. His writing has appeared at Mere Orthodoxy, Christianity Today, and Desiring God. He writes regularly at medium.com/soli-deo-gloria.