Why I Told My Child About How Her Dad Hurt My Feelings
By: Rachel Magadán
Tags: Equality, Mental Health, Parenting, Feminism, Culture

Of course, my daughter notices that her parents, who usually talk multiple times per day and laugh and joke around, were suddenly not talking to each other. It didn’t seem to bother her, except once many days had passed, and she realized we still weren't talking. She said “Oh, my God! Y’all still aren’t talking? Y’all need to just get over it already.”

Not knowing what “it” was, I feel that her reaction shows that she feels assured and secure in her place in both of our lives, and probably even that we’re both level-headed adults who can work out any issues we may have. That makes me happy.

Seven days went by, and then I get a text from him.

Hi. I realized as I was typing my response that I was indeed wrong. I was technically victim-blaming you and I’m 100% sorry. My gut reaction was truly one of initial befuddlement, and then anger at the shithead who took pictures of you. Also, I felt like a failure to you as any kind of protector. Anyway, I’m very sorry my default response was to blame you and I will think more about why that is, and how I can be more present about what my emotions are making me say and do. Sorry.

I didn't know that he felt like he has a “protector” role in my life, but personally I find it very heartwarming. There was no way he could have been expected to protect me. He wasn't even there. But my main takeaway from this was that

He was willing to reflect on his actions, and why they may have hurt me.

He was willing to look inward, and accept that he might have behaved in a way that was harmful.

He recognized the core of the issue without me having to tell him.

And he committed to making a change to try to improve.

What more could I ask for?

Immediately, I thought to myself, “I want this for my daughter.”

So, that’s why I told her how her dad hurt my feelings. I needed her to have the backstory, because I really wanted to showcase to her what I feel was a beautifully executed apology.

It turned out to be a bigger teachable moment than I thought it would be.

She didn’t understand what was wrong with him asking me what I was wearing when I was sexually harassed by this stranger. She said “It’s a valid question, Mom. Maybe your clothes brought his attention to your body.”

This is what I’m talking about when I say that sexism and misogyny are pervasive. PERVASIVE. They’re pervasive as fuck.

I have been raising this little child to see herself as having an equal right to feel safe as anyone else for as long as she can remember. We have taught her that no one else is entitled to her body, and she has demonstrated that she understands that. The has made bold and brave choices in the past to stand up for herself when her boundaries have been violated.

Maybe the difference here is that she is a child. Maybe she has learned that “of course little girls shouldn’t be sexualized”. When I have been teaching her about bodily autonomy, it’s always been,

“You have a right to bodily autonomy.”

“No one should sexualize your body.”

“No one is entitled to access to your body.”

But her body is a child’s body.

Did I forget to teach her that when she becomes a woman, she will still have a right to bodily autonomy? Did I forget to tell her that when she has fully developed breasts and “child-bearing” hips, that she should still expect the same level of respect? Did I forget to tell her that once you have sex, your rights don’t change?

Man, it looks like we have a lot more ground to cover, and we’re about to get to the bridge of womanhood very soon, so we need to be prepared to cross it.

The revelation was overwhelming, so I decided to start small, with this one thing:

As a girl or a woman, our curves existing in the presence of a man does not absolve him of his personal responsibility to control his behavior.

I’m not going to sit here and act like I don’t choose to dress her conservatively, though. I’ve witnessed too much disgusting behavior to be naïve. I’m not going to throw my daughter under the bus for a movement.

That doesn’t mean that I’m not also going to set the bar higher for what she is to expect of the world, and plant a seed for social change within her heart.

It’s a tight rope to walk.