The Art of Solitary Homemaking
By: Yael Wolfe
Tags: Family, Feminism, Singles, Home, Women

The Art of Solitary Homemaking

Because you deserve to have a cozy, beautiful home, even if you are a family of one

Photo by thevibrantmachine from Pexels

There were really only two things I wanted to be when I grew up: a writer and a housewife. I figured that first one was a given (I was already writing constantly by the time I was 10), so it was the second one that I focused on.

It wasn’t just that I dreamed of having a partner and creating a family together. It was building a home for my family that was so important to me. Maybe it’s just my Cancerian nature expressing itself, but I lived for that, flipping through interior design magazines every time I could get my hands on them, collecting knickknacks and kitchen supplies from the time I was 18 for my future home…

I was going to give my partner and my kids the home of their dreams — a place where they would always feel safe, no matter what was going on in the world outside the front door.

The only problem was: I never got married. I never had children. It wasn’t a conscious choice — believe me, it was not. It just kinda…happened.

So here I am, a family of one. And when I bought a house by myself three years ago, I started having to make peace with the idea that I am alone right now. But I didn’t want that to stop me from achieving my dream of having a beautiful, cozy home that made me and visiting loved ones feel safe.

As I’ve been learning these past three years, you don’t have to have a partner or kids to practice the art of homemaking. Now I practice “solitary homemaking” — because why let my skills go to waste?

Here’s what I’ve learned about making a home for yourself, by yourself.

Make your space beautiful

When you live alone, it is easy to neglect your space, opting for simplicity over beauty. Why bother putting out holiday decorations when the only person seeing them will be you? Why spend time hanging pictures on the wall when it’s just you who’s going to look at them?

Sure, we all want to save time, but I’d argue that this isn’t an efficient way to go about that. Living in an empty space, void of visual beauty wears on our mental health and can even impede our flow of creative energy. This might manifest as fatigue, lack of inspiration in our work, and general malaise. How is that efficient?

The truth is, we all deserve to live in a beautiful space. We shouldn’t consider a beautifully decorated home only the privilege of those who have a family.

A single person is a family — a family of one.

So put out those holiday decorations. Don’t leave the walls bare. Buy a pretty comforter and pillows for your bed. Indulge in a bouquet of fresh flowers every now and then. Stack fluffy blankets by the sofa.

It doesn’t take much effort to make your space beautiful.

Strive for order

I’ve been trying to teach myself that just because I live alone doesn’t mean I don’t also need an efficiently organized home. It’s far too easy to think I can “make things work” by stacking items in corners, scooting messes to the other side of the counter, or stuffing things into boxes when I don’t have time to deal with them. No one else is here to see my messes, I rationalize — so what’s the problem?

The problem is, the messes catch up with us. We spend a ridiculous amount of time looking for things that get perpetually lost in the chaos, tripping over piles of clutter, or making grocery lists filled with items that are already in the back of our messy pantries.

Once again: we deserve more.

I’m constantly in the process of purging stuff from my house. I moved into a very small space with all the stuff I had brought from my previous partnered life and it was just too much. Three years later, I’m still taking boxes of unwanted items to Goodwill. The less stuff we have, the less we have to manage.

With the possessions I want to keep, I’m slowly investing in furniture and containers to help me better organize everything. It is impossible to keep things organized and easily locate items if they don’t have a very specific place to live. “On the closet floor” just isn’t going to cut it.

Be your own husband

You’re going to need to know how to fix things when they break. You’re going to want the confidence of knowing that you can correctly install a floating shelf or easily remove a bathroom sink’s drain cover so you can fish out all the hair that’s clogging up the pipe.

This can be a really scary part of solitary homemaking, but it’s essential. I’ll never forget how terrified I was to use a circular saw all by myself for the very first time. Or how intimidating it was to fumble around with a power drill until I got the hang of it.

Now I use these tools regularly and (most of the time) confidently.

When I recently went to Home Depot to pick up some drywall anchors that I was going to use to install a few coat hooks, I just smiled politely as the male employee who stopped to check on me decided that because I was a woman, I probably didn’t know what I was doing, and then proceeded to spend several minutes telling me how to work a power drill and how to install the anchors.

Little did he know that I’ve been using my power drill and drywall anchors for three years now. Yep, I’ve been my own husband for quite a while, thank you very much.

Be your own wife

Though my last partner and I never married, I always treated him the way I thought a good wife would. I folded his laundry. I created meals to put in the freezer so that we always had something prepared on those nights when we came home late and were too tired to cook. And I absolutely adored surprising him with special drinks when he was in his “man cave” playing video games.

I think many women find themselves in this role quite naturally, but have a hard time turning that nurturing on themselves. And if you are a family of one, that’s what you’ve got to learn to do.

One of my favorite things to do is to whip up pancakes or French toast for a Sunday breakfast every now and then. It’s such a small thing, but that little indulgence makes a difference. It’s hard to describe the feeling of comfort and happiness that I get when I sit down to eat this treat — even when I’m by myself. Sunday breakfasts were a huge affair in my family when I was a kid, and this makes me feel like I’m continuing that tradition with my own, one-person family.

I also insist on having tea every day — usually Earl Grey with lots of honey and soy creamer — just before lunch. I started doing this after my partner ended our relationship and I needed to rely on a daily comfort.

So make yourself a special drink. Take ten minutes out of your day to truly enjoy your cup of tea or coffee — maybe with a cookie or piece of toast. Make yourself a special Sunday breakfast. Light a candle before you go to bed and let its light flicker across the walls while you read your favorite book. Lie in a pile of blankets when you’re watching a movie on the couch.

I say this particularly to women, since it’s so hard for many of us: Commit to nurturing yourself the same way you would nurture a partner or child. You are just as deserving of your own calming, loving energy and generosity.

Homemaking is not just about taking care of your home, but about taking care of your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health. So take care of your family — which is you.

Share the love

I think one of the most important aspects of homemaking is sharing the love and hospitality of a cozy home with others. If you don’t happen to live with other people who get to enjoy your homemaking artistry, then find other ways to share it.

Invite friends and family over to dinner (or those Sunday morning breakfasts). Host game nights. Set aside afternoons for cooking or crafting with guests. And of course, sit outside in your garden on a summer night with anyone who will enjoy watching the sun go down with you.

If you can’t invite people over (you know, if you happen to be in the midst of a pandemic), try other creative solutions. Have a video call with a friend or family member at mealtime. Have Friday night cocktails with friends over Zoom. Share photos of your home on social media that might brighten other people’s day.

Go the extra mile for yourself

I’m often tempted to skip the big stuff that I used to enjoy with my partner. For instance, going into the woods to find a Christmas tree is a little much for just me. Hiding Easter eggs or planning Thanksgiving dinners or cooking a summer feast on the grill might seem like too much effort.

But do it, anyways.

Chances are, someone you know goes into the woods every December to get a Christmas tree — invite yourself along and find yourself a lovely tree. Hide eggs or other treasures in your front yard every spring and invite the neighborhood kids to come find them. Go all out for your Thanksgiving meal — recruit help and invite your family over, or do it all by yourself as a ritual of self-love. Light up that grill on the 4th of July, whether you are alone or not, and make yourself a breezy cocktail to sip while you cook a burger and a few ears of corn.

It’s so important to stop and celebrate the special moments of life. Don’t shortchange yourself just because you’re single.