The closest I have been to death, is to see my father die
By: Lohith Naidu Bollineni
Tags: Covid 19, Dad, Death, Fathers Day, Fathers

Last year (2020), I remember telling a friend, “I feel so strong because I have probably seen some of the worst days of my life. And hence, I think, I can get through anything worse that I could potentially face.” Because personally I have, kind of, been through a lot then in so many aspects of my life. But life had other things planned for me. Within a year after that, it decided to hit me with the worst day for my life.

My father passed away recently on June 1, 2021 due to COVID-19. While I have seen people die throughout my life, I failed to empathize with their families because I never understood their grief entirely. This article is an attempt to reflect that grief of losing someone so close and I write it not to seek sympathy but to rather give an insight to my sorrow.

I wasn’t prepared for this. He got tested positive for COVID-19, during the first week of May. Like other people around me who were recovering after testing positive, I thought my dad will be healthy too soon. It was a bold assumption, given the number of people dying day by day throughout the world due to COVID-19. But I thought, “It won’t happen to us.” He was in home isolation for 2 weeks and then got admitted in a hospital for 2 weeks as he started having respiratory problems. After being through this for over a month, it’s a general intuition to assume that he’s going to be alright soon enough. While all this was happening in India, I was here in the US, waiting to hear the news that he has been discharged and sent home with some medical prescription.

It was early morning around 6 to 7 here in the US, when I just woke up and tried push myself out of the bed like every other day. I got a call from my mom. I hung up the call, saying “I’ll call back in a while.” But I got a call again. I decided to answer the call and picked it up. Before I could answer, I heard my mom crying and shouting on the call. In that instant, I knew what I had to hear. Yet, I decided to give it a benefit of doubt and kept asking, “What happened, mom?” It took her a while to answer but when she did, I couldn’t talk further. I was told that my dad has passed away. I still wanted to reassure and asked, “Is he in a critical condition or something?” But the answer didn’t change. I was told furiously, “No. He passed away just few minutes ago.” I asked her to give the phone to my sister who was right beside her and asked the same question again. The answer was still the same.

Before I collapsed, I said, “I’ll call you right back. Take care of each other.”, and ended the call. I went numb for the next few minutes. I didn’t know what to do. On my mind, I went, “How can this happen? It wasn’t supposed to be this way. There was so much to do. How can he die this early? He said he was doing well 2 days ago. He was supposed to see so many things that are yet to happen in my life. Why him?” And so on. I was crying so much, which I think is the most I have cried in my life ever. I was feeling so much rage inside me and I thought I could explode anytime. I wanted someone beside me at the time.

Probably due to my poor socializing skills, I haven’t made a lot of friends here in the US as I have been here recently. But I called someone who I thought will be there at the moment, after I explained what happened. They said they’ll be there but they couldn’t because they were tired. I blamed myself for calling them so early in the morning and disturbing them. Still, I started calling other people back in India to try to understand what was happening there. I called my university officials to ask about the process to go to India during these times. Everything was so chaotic and messed up.

Just then, I got a call from my mom again. It was a video call. I’ve been told that, since my dad has been infected with COVID-19 virus, he has to be cremated right away in the hospital. So I was about to be shown his face for one last time. The camera turned towards him and that moment, when I saw his pale face with his eyes closed, was the most horrific moment in my life. On the back of my mind, I wished that this was a terrible dream which I don’t have to live ever. Except that, it wasn’t a dream. It was happening for real. I saw my dad lying there dead and any amount of chants to bring him back alive were not being useful. I had to come to the fact that my father is no more and that, for me was the closest that I have been to death.

I wouldn’t exaggerate and say that he was the best dad ever but he has done the best as a dad as he could. And that is something I’ll cherish forever. All these years, he has been a layer of protection to my family and I have only realized everything he was protecting us from, after he passed away. While seeing his face for the last time on the video call, one thing I noticed was the tear drop on the corner of his eye. He knew he was dying and he wasn’t happy about it. As much as I know my dad, physical pain wasn’t the reason behind those tears. Rather it was the fact that he is leaving so early and didn’t prepare his family for this disaster.

He has done so much for me and I haven’t been beside him during this time. That’s a regret I’ll carry for the rest of my life. COVID-19 has been around for more than a year and has taken so many lives. As long as it was the news, it was saddening everyday. But once it hit home and took one of the most important persons of my life, I realized how horrifying it is. Many people asked me if he had any problems health wise due to which COVID-19 hit so hard. I say that he is the most healthiest person I have known, who I expected to live a lot of years easily. But that’s life. Not everything goes according to our plans, I guess.

While a lot of people supported me during these tough times, a lot of other people were kind enough to show their true faces as a sign to stay away from them. I think it’s true that only during your worse days you get to truly know people. I’m thankful to everyone though, for the support and the lessons. Take care of the ones close to you. While I wish that I had a few more years with my dad, I’m happy that I got to spend the years with him as I did when he was alive.