What I learned From Being an Abortion Designated Driver
By: Elisabeth Tsubota
Tags: Friendship, Reproductive Rights, Women, Abortion, Lessons Learned

Do: Understand that this is not about you.

For the sake of this article, let’s just assume you’re a pro-choice progressive with no moral or ethical qualms about abortion. So you’re in the driver’s seat, a willing participate ready to safely chariot your passenger to the nearest women’s clinic.

That’s your job. And that may be ALL it is.

Here’s the thing: today isn’t about you. You may be in the driver’s seat but you’re not the one who should be controlling the day.

If she wants to talk, let her talk. If she wants to drive in silence, shut the f*ck up. If she asks for advice, give it to her. If she asks for the weather report, give it to her. If she asks for a Hershey’s Kiss, reach gesture to the glove compartment that you have preemptively stocked with candy, tissues, and extra large sanitary pads (more on that later).

This may be harder than you realize. Because hey, you’re in this now too and you have a LOT of feelings. Believe me, I know — I’m EGREGIOUSLY self-involved.

But hijacking the day isn’t the right move, lady. However you’re feeling, I guarantee she’s feeling hella worse. However tough you think the next few hours will be, they’re gonna be monumentally harder for her.

So for the moment, be a partner. Be an ally. Be sure to use your turn signals.

Don’t: Stay in the car

Unless she explicitly tells you to. And even then, make sure she’s sure. Then confirm again.

But in all other cases, this isn’t a curbside drop off. She isn’t getting an eye exam or a root canal. She is about to have an invasive, challenging procedure and she shouldn't have to go through it alone. So park the damn car and get your ass out of the car.

There will be paperwork to fill out. There will be downtime. Be good company. But remember the golden rule: this isn’t about you. I don’t care how self-conscious you are about your new haircut. Yes, I know you were over-ambitious and cut too much off. Now’s not the time to bring it up.

Don’t: Ask the Nurse Practitioner for Xanax

She won’t give you one. Plus, you’re the one who has to drive home, dummy.

Do: Hold her hand

Don’t let go. No matter how hard she squeezes. You may not have gotten that Xanax but it’s still nothing compared to the discomfort she’s in.

You may have to be brave for both of you right now, but you got this.

Do: Take care of your friend for the rest of the day

Remember those XL pads in your glove compartment? Time to put them to use. Aren’t you glad you bought them beforehand?

Because there’s nothing worse than having your headstrong friend insist on getting them herself on the way back from the clinic. Take it from me, following a pained young woman around CVS, reminding her she just had a SURGICAL PROCEDURE and would she PLEASE JUST WAIT IN THE CAR and let me get them, is not a cute look.

Cancel your plans for the rest of the day. Even if she wants to be alone, be available.

She may change her mind. You may end up ordering Chinese food that you both eat in her bed while watching a silly rom-com about phone sex operators. And at one point she may softy kick at your head and give you a thankful smile for being there and making the day a little easier.

It’s the least you can do. It’s the easiest thing. And it may make all the difference.

Don’t: Forget to take care of yourself

You know how I said this isn’t about you? Well, up until now that’s been true. By now your friend cozied up in her bed with an extra blanket, bottle of ibuprofen, and extra pads at arm’s reach. Go you.

But here’s the other thing. Whether you realize it or not, you went through something today. How you internalize that may surprise you. And I think the worst thing you could do is try to bury or ignore those feelings.

Maybe you pride yourself in being a strong, resilient woman but find yourself crying as you drive home from her apartment. And you’re not sure why.

Maybe it’s because out of everyone, she called you. Not her best friend, not the man involved, not her sister — but you. And you feel sad that in such a vulnerable moment she didn't feel like she could confide in the people closest to her and you really hope you were enough.

Maybe it’s because you know how easily the roles could have been reversed and you wonder who you would call. Maybe it’s because you feel so unbelievably grateful to live in a state where you would have options and access, and you’ve been blissfully ignorant of your privilege.

But instead of playing out every possible scenario about why you feel the way you do, wouldn't it be better to stop trying to muscle through it and just FEEL it?

Do something nice for yourself tonight, ok? Ice cream. Wine. Whatever you want. Be around people. Or be alone. Whatever you want.

You may not realize it, but you were brave today. You may not realize it but you did a good thing today.