A Letter to My Ex-Best Friend
By: Amelia Lockwood
Tags: Best Friend, Letters

I miss you. I’ve tried to convince myself that I don’t, that I shouldn’t, because I don’t think you miss me. If you did then we’d still be friends and I wouldn’t be writing this letter…right?

But how could I not miss you? You were there for some of the best days of my life. Hell, you were what made most of them great.

I don’t know that I’ll ever love someone as much as I loved you. I mean, I really hope I do. I hope I get another chance to enjoy hearing someone’s laughter so completely that all I wanted to do was be surrounded by the sound of it. You really do have one of those infectious laughs. I still find myself looking at old pictures, old videos; thinking about old memories. Even the recorded version of your laughter still makes me smile.

You came into my life like a whirlwind and swept me off my feet. I was completely blown away by this beautifully energetic girl who brought light into my world when it had been otherwise cloudy, and I wanted to hold onto that light forever. For the first couple months I worried that something I’d say or do would push you away from me. And I guess it eventually did, (that must’ve been it, right?) but not in the way I’d been so fearful of back then.

I wanted to be with you every second of every day, and you made me feel like that’s what you wanted too. What changed? What did I say? What did I do? And is there anything I can do to fix it?

I would if I could. I would do anything to have you smile at me the way you used to. To hear that laughter right next to me and not from across the room. To feel your arms envelop me in a “see you in the morning” hug, not receive this curt nod as you duck out the door and out of my life.

What happened? You used to show up at my door in the middle of the night, unannounced, with a bottle of wine in one hand and a box of brownies in the other. In the last few minutes of class I could always look over to the doorway and see you hovering just beyond it. And when I’d walk out, there you’d be, beaming at me, oblivious to everyone else walking around you. I’d come home after work to see you sitting in my bed, waiting for my arrival so we could watch the next episode(s) of our show. You were so proud that you’d resisted the temptation to watch without me. Now you seem to struggle to remember why you would ever want to wait for me in the first place.

I couldn’t explain what happened between us. Why, after months of cooking for each other, staying up late, going for long drives, and endlessly laughing until our sides hurt, are you now so callous? I still don’t know. At first I blamed it on this new distance between us. Of course it was hard to feel close to you when I wasn’t, well, close to you. All I needed, I convinced myself, was to spend time with you in person. Then everything would go back to how it was. Back to normal. My normal. When my normal was enjoying every moment, as long as it was a moment spent with you.

And then, I get the chance to see you, and I’m overjoyed. Now is my chance to make you laugh again, to experience a level of euphoria so consuming that everyone around us is jealous. But now, here we are, and instead I find myself being the envious one. Closing the distance between us did nothing to bridge the gap that was created a few months ago. I sprinted towards the chasm with such confidence that I almost neglected to see that a bridge is nowhere to be found. At the last second I am left flailing my arms for balance, as the depth of the abyss between us becomes glaringly apparent.

You used to push through a room full of people to stand next to me, and now in that same room, you don’t even glance my way. I watch, like an outsider, as you throw your head back and laugh at someone else’s joke, and wrap your arms around someone else’s shoulders. And I’m hurt. And I’m jealous. I’ve always been jealous of anyone you spent time with without me but it didn’t matter because I knew you loved me more. That at the end of the day, it was me you wanted to go grocery shopping with. Me you wanted to drive 5 hours with to visit the largest aquarium tank in the world. Me you brought coffee to in the morning.