Being the First Molecule in the Universe Was Kinda Lonely
Tags: Astronomy, Science, Astrono, Physics Cosmology, Humor

(Image: © NASA/SOFIA/L. Proudfit/D.Rutter)

I know it sounds glamorous. But trust me, it was hard, being the first. Before me, there was just hydrogen and helium. It was too hot for atoms to combine. But about 13 billion years ago, it cooled sufficiently for me to form me — helium hydride.

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Of course, I was made fun of.

“Look at him, he’s not helium and he’s not hydrogen,” said the gaseous plasma that permeated all space at that time.

“He’s not even lithium!”

“Freak!”

I wandered off into a dark corner of space to live by myself for eons and eons.

I was very depressed. But when I discovered Aphex Twin and ambient house music and I saw a ray of light. Their music — it was what my soul sounded like — pulsing, gorgeous, mysterious and one of a kind. In other words, a cosmic misfit.

Of course, I got heavily into manga and anime. I found this old pic of me doing cosplay. It’s me dressed up as Prince Eoji from Heartbend, the five hundred part anime series. What a goof!

Looking back on those millions of years in utter solitude, the one thing that strikes me is that I never lost faith in myself.

Maybe the rest of the universe didn’t understand me, but I knew in my heart that one day I would find my tribe.

When I turned twenty million, I kinda outgrew my emo phase and went looking for something else to do.

I found that there were tons of other molecules that had formed while I was away.

“You’re like me!” I cried, and I ran up to them. Some of them seemed attracted to me while others were repelled. But even some of the other atoms who had bullied me joined up with me now and I became part of more complicated molecules. And then one day I looked around and all I could see was a bright light.

“What’s happened to me?” I asked the molecule sitting next to me.

“You’ve become a star.”