My older sister committed suicide and it sparked a strong desire to create positive music
By: Milani Valentine
Tags: Hip Hop, Suicide Awareness, Suicide Prevention, Positive Music, Suicide

If someone would have told me 10 years ago that I would be living without my older sister, I would have called them crazy for sure. To be honest, it is still very much unbelievable to me that she is not here. It almost feels unreal. Sometimes I have very realistic dreams about us hanging out, having fun, and exploring life together. While I may feel so happy during the dream, it leaves a huge feeling of disappointment after I wake up to realize that it wasn’t real despite the fact that it felt very real.

My sister and I grew up in a very strict house hold. We didn't take many trips out of our hometown, we were not allowed to have playdates outside of family, and we were not allowed to attend any kid/teen social functions that were not hosted by family members. The small town we lived in was pretty much all that we knew. Listening to music easily became one of our favorite activities because it allowed us to travel the world in our minds as we imagined living the lyrics that were being blasted from the radio speakers. At that time, I had no idea how the music I was listening to would affect me mentally & emotionally in the long run.

I remember how much I loved singing heartbreak type love songs and dancing to hip hop music. I pretty much listened to anything that came on the radio but I specifically loved to hear the melodies from the singers and the bass booming beats from the hip hop artists.

As my sister and I lived our lives and became young adults, we both struggled with depression and anxiety. We kept a straight face most of the time and people around us never really knew what we were dealing with. We both used music to cope (as many people do) however the problem with coping is that you aren’t solving the problem.

My sister and I continued to use music as a distraction from our real issues and in some cases, the lyrics we consumed just pushed us into a deeper depression. Over the years to come, we would both have our individual battles with our mental health, relationships, finances etc.

My sister attempted to commit suicide for the first time in 2015 and she was never the same afterwards. We were living together at the time and I found her after she attempted to overdose on pills. I had no idea about what sparked this but after her death I found out that she was raped by our uncle. My sister never told me this. She held this in for a long time and finally told my mom shortly before she passed.

In February of 2016, I received a message from my cousin and he informed me that my sister was in the hospital after her 2nd suicide attempt. I was told that my sister hung herself in my mother’s basement. I never saw that scene because at that time my sister and I were no longer living together and I lived about 2 hours away from her. She was pronounced brain dead upon the scene and doctors told us to travel to her to say goodbye (the doctors who were overseeing my sister pulled her off of life support without my mother’s knowledge nor permission but that's another story for another time)

As I look back over the moments of my sisters life in which her depression worsened, I can truly say that the quality of music she listened was a major factor. This is why I am now passionate more than ever to create positive music that can help increase other people’s quality of life.

Many music artists only pursue music for the money but I am very different. I genuinely love people and I genuinely love music. I will use my music as a vessel for positive energy, thoughts, and ideas. My song Good Vibes Only is a product of this. I look forward to creating many more positive hip-hop songs in the years to come.