My Therapist Told Me My Blowjobs Were Selfishly Motivated
By: Bradlee Bryant
Tags: Relationships, Sexuality, Love, Advice, Marriage

It’s hard to admit when you’re wrong, especially for a stubborn broad like me. But alas, the time has come for me to finally confess that I spent a decade overcomplicating and overdoing it when it came to partnered intimacy.

Let me explain. My husband has always needed more physical touch than I do. Early on in our marriage, we did that damned Love Languages test, which confirmed this was an area we didn’t quite match up.

For years, I assumed I was giving him all the physical touch he needed (and then some) by doling out blowjobs on the regular. But according to our marriage therapist, I had spent the last decade using a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

Sure, the nut always busts, but a sledgehammer was not the appropriate tool for the job.

She had the audacity to tell me that using a blowjob to satisfy my husband’s need for touch was missing the mark. Even suggesting my affinity for giving head was more than a little self-serving.

For all of you smartasses out there questioning whether or not my blowjob skills are to blame, I asked him right in front of our therapist and they both laughed at me and he promised me that wasn’t the problem. Our therapist confirmed it wasn’t my blowjob skills that were lacking — although I don’t know how she could know that for certain.

Anyway, don’t get any crazy ideas and start sending me blowjob guides.

What was I doing wrong?

I’m a bit of a dirty slut, so my idea of intimacy and physical touch always included getting naked. I thought I was going above and beyond to give him the physical touch, satisfaction, and pleasure he desired.

I was happy to give sensual massages, hand jobs, blow jobs, late-night cuddles — it wasn’t my fault I was so irresistible it led to sex every time, right?

Only joking, but I did see the pattern emerging.

Unless it led to sex, I was remaining physically distant from my husband. There were very few hugs, cuddles, or random touchpoints scattered throughout our time together.

I was a selfish toucher and hadn’t realized it.

I was giving my husband barely any physical intimacy that didn’t end with an orgasm for both of us. I guess our therapist was right after all.

Although it was no joking matter, I’m me, and jokes are what I do when I’m feeling uncomfortable. So, I made sure to mention after therapy that I was a little proud of my 100% touch-to-orgasm success rate. I imagine that kind of accomplishment is mostly reserved for distinguished sex workers, and here he had it in his own bed every night.

Thank god my husband has a good sense of humor and puts up with my shit.

It can be tough for men to admit their need for non-sexual touch.

It was really hard for my husband to open up and talk about his need for physical touch. He hates feeling needy and felt ashamed for his desire for intimacy and touch. Even though we had a very active and healthy sex life, his need for non-sexual intimacy went unmet for nearly a decade.

When he felt comfortable opening up about it and telling me more about his needs, it seriously helped our relationship. All this time I thought his desire for touch was rooted in lust and a higher than usual sex drive. But it was really about wanting to feel supported, anchored, and understood.

How much touch?

There is no specific measure for how much a couple should be touching or a standard touch quota to reach in order to properly satisfy your partner’s needs. But if you’re not on the same page regarding physical intimacy, it is definitely something to communicate to your partner and begin to work on together.

According to the Kinsey Institute, partners who touch each other in non-sexual ways more frequently also tend to be more sexually satisfied and happier in their relationships.

It turns out my husband isn’t a male-outlier for wanting more touch, either. Women are typically more satisfied with the touch they are receiving from their partners than their husbands. We also had the length of our relationship working against us, as people who have been in their relationships longer tend to be less satisfied with the touch they are receiving.

Incorporating non-sexual touch

Once you learn your partner is craving additional touch, learn about what kind of touch would mean the most to them. Tell them which types of physical touch you would feel comfortable incorporating and pick your moments to give them the kinds of touch that come easy to both of you.

Here are a few suggestions to add more physical touch into your relationship: