The Counter-Intuitive Advice That Made Me A Happier Person
By: Charles Payne Ii
Tags: Relationships, Personal Growth, Happiness, Self Improvement, Self

A Sense of Self

Believe it or not, the key to the happiest moments in our lives is cultivating a strong sense of self. A strong sense of self allows us to:

make decisions easier

not be so dependent on other peoples emotions and opinions

act because we feel capable

stand against things we do not believe

participate and interact with activities, people, and philosophies that are helpful as an individual

We can say, “No,” or “Yes!” to such things because they fit our lifestyle, our values systems, our strategies for doing work, and our ambitions. We do this because our sense of self immediately collides with anything that does not serve these needs. That’s what makes a strong sense of self so great.

It is this “masculine” or “protector” energy, which both men and women possess, which allows us to do this.

Every time we decide or act in line with this sense of self, which is the composition of our genetics, upbringing + experiences, and personal decisions, we reinforce it.

The great thing about us as human beings is our conscience tells us whether we are acting for or against this sense of self.

Positive feedback from our conscience gives us a sense of happiness, excitement, accomplishment, and authenticity. Thus, we feel more integrated.

Negative feedback gives us a sense of guilt, shame, worthlessness, hopelessness, and loneliness. We feel more dis-integrated.

At our peak states, we feel this integration in incredible ways because our actions align with our deepest values and, for many of us, our moral convictions. We feel a strong sense of our place in this world.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

Sometimes, like this WhyButWait blog states, our values clash and we experience a sense of loss, discomfort, or, in the worst case, depression.

Language for this period is often called, “the dark night of the soul.”

In these moments, loss, grief, trauma, or fundamental changes that defined our world leaves us feeling lost and our senses of self reeling.

In such moments, we must do the hard work of recovering our sense of self and adjust to that which is unchangeable — history (a.k.a. the past).

Recovering your sense of self

No matter who we are, we will encounter moments of unhappiness and lose our inner peace and happiness. There seems to be the necessary pattern of order to disorder to reorder in life.

Fortunately, these moments can become blessings that lead us to a stronger sense of self.

They take work and time, but upon reflection they are gifts. This work in my own life has looked like the practices below:

Maintain your energy = self-care with rest, exercise, good food, and friends

= self-care with rest, exercise, good food, and friends Journal your unfiltered thoughts. This helps release stored emotions and cultivates your self-awareness and perspective.

This helps release stored emotions and cultivates your self-awareness and perspective. Think mechanically about your life , meaning think about what made you feel like you in the past — break that down engineer-style and think about which part of the process felt good, not the result

, meaning think about what made you feel like you in the past — break that down engineer-style and think about which part of the process felt good, not the result Practice pushing through discomfort — discomfort is not a negative sign, it is simply an emotion associated with trying something new, once you start to gain a little understanding it will disappear

— discomfort is not a negative sign, it is simply an emotion associated with trying something new, once you start to gain a little understanding it will disappear Change to a philosophy of strengths — this is a bit cheesy, but I’ve come to see that everybody is great a something different, that’s good because I can focus on my strengths and they can do what I’m weak at

— this is a bit cheesy, but I’ve come to see that everybody is great a something different, that’s good because I can focus on my strengths and they can do what I’m weak at Read spiritual or semi-spiritual books, poetry, and certain self-help books — it’s important to read spiritual material because it reminds us what authenticity feels like and can give us perspective on both loss and joy

I found all the above helpful practices during my 4-year transition from the military to missionary to the business world.

The key behind each of these, however, was that I did them for me — no one else. Like most things, I found that over time that learning these for myself allowed me to help other people!

However, doing them for me was important because it (a) gave me permission to invest in myself and (b) began to send the message to my heart, mind, and soul that I was valuable, good, and worth my own effort.

It is that last point that makes these practices effective for building a sense of self.

Along the way, I found that different practices served me at different times. Boxing served me for a few months in which I felt powerless. Meditation helped me one month where my emotions were too exhausting. Journaling helped me when I was processing trauma.

Ultimately, they were all tools to help me restore my sense of my true self.