911, I Have A Medical Emergency But Also I’m Watching ‘Avengers: Endgame’
By: Tim Sniffen
Tags: Avengers, Humor, Prioritization, Emergency, Movies

911: Emergency Services, go ahead.

CALLER: Hi, my friend slipped and hit his head. Hard. He’s not responding.

911: Okay, sir, don’t panic. Is your friend breathing?

CALLER: I… I can’t tell.

911: I’m hearing a lot of background noise.

CALLER: Right, I should have mentioned, I’m at an advance screening of Avengers: Endgame and—

911: OH MY GOD, NO YOU’RE NOT, NO YOU ARE FUCKING N—

Phone dropped. Chair knocked over. Shouting. Deep breaths. Chair reset. Phone recovered.

911: Are you still there?

CALLER: Yeah.

911: Okay, listen. You’re putting me in a really difficult situation. I’m gonna keep talking with you but you CANNOT tell me what happens, okay? Deal?

CALLER: How can I —

911: IS THAT A DEAL?

CALLER: I — sure. Deal.

911: Great. Now, when did your friend fall down.

CALLER: He was coming back with more popcorn, it was a while ago.

911: Can you be more specific?

CALLER: It’s dark, I don’t have a watch.

911: Think! How long ago?

CALLER: Well, it was right after Hawkeye was killed by —

911: GODDAMMIT—

Phone hurled against wall. Screaming. Angry pacing. Phone recovered.

911: (Whispers) Sir, I am trying to help but you are not making it easy. I’m only still on the line because there’s a chance my manager is listening.

CALLER: I understand.

911: If you do that again, I’ll disconnect you so fast, you’ll feel like Nebula kicked you in the face.

CALLER: The way Nebula kicked —

911: DON’T.

CALLER: Sorry. So, my friend fell about twenty minutes ago.

911: Okay. Is he reacting to stimuli?

CALLER: Stimuli?

911: You know: sound, light, anything like that?

CALLER: Let’s see, he flinched when —

911: STOP. You’re about to reveal a movie detail, aren’t you?

CALLER: What? No.

911: Go ahead.

CALLER: He flinched when the Avengers headquarters blew up, that’s in the trailers, right?

Head slamming on desk. Wail of fury receding into distance.

Pause.

MANAGER: Sir, this is the manager, I’ve been monitoring your call. I hate to interrupt but you’ve left us no choice. I have some questions for you.

CALLER: Okay.

MANAGER: Hawkeye’s death — was it from someone you’d expect? Was it honorable? Or a shock, like, ‘No one is safe?’

CALLER: Let’s just say when it happens, it makes a lot of sense.

MANAGER: Ooooh, I like that, I like that. Was there much blood?

CALLER: Not much, Hawkeye even had the chance to —

MANAGER: No, I mean your friend.

CALLER: Oh! Right. There’s a cut over his eye, and I applied pressure with some napkins until it stopped. Did I do the right thing?

MANAGER: Sure, as long as you — OH MY GOD.

CALLER: What? What’s wrong?

MANAGER: Is that the voice of Peter Parker in the background? It is, I knew they’d bring him back! Was it with time travel, or the stones? No, don’t tell me. Yes, give me a hint! Oh god, why do you do this to yourself, Clark? Don’t you dare tell me! It’s time travel and the stones, isn’t it. I don’t want to know!

911: Hi again. I’m dispatching the ambulance.

MANAGER: Right, the ambulance! Shutting up. But this is killing me. I am literally dying.

911: Here’s the thing: the drivers haven’t seen the movie, either.

MANAGER: We’re all going tomorrow!

CALLER: Nice.

911: Normally we wouldn’t do this, but… could you possibly drag your friend to the lobby?

CALLER: …drag him?

911: Yeah, just take him by the shoulders and pull.

CALLER: Isn’t that bad? Like, if he has a neck injury?

MANAGER: It is, but I don’t see another way around this. Just… just do it real fast.

CALLER: One last thing. I don’t suppose this could wait until the movie is over?

911: (Sigh.) How long are we talking?

CALLER: I don’t know, 45 minutes, an hour, tops?

Muffled discussion.

MANAGER: That’s fine. So you understand, we wouldn’t do this for any other franchise. We’ll still need him in the lobby, though. You never know what could pop up during the credits.

CALLER: Got it. Okay, I’m going now. Thanks for all your help.

911: No problem, sir, that’s why we’re here. And don’t worry about your friend — he’ll be fine.

CALLER: I hope so. I’d hate for him to end up like Captain Ameri —

Click.