Halloweek 2020
By: Fp Bardrick
Tags: Apocalypse, Covid 19, 2020, Halloween, Election 2020

Halloweek 2020

How this Halloween will be different than any in living memory.

Photo by allison christine on Unsplash

Hello again, dear readers. It is the most wonderful time of the year once again: Halloweek. And not only is it the week encompassing Halloween, but we’re also living in a very special year. The kind of year that only comes around once a century, once a millennium. It is a year where Halloween will be the least scary day of this whole Earth orbit! How crazy is that? I mean, it’s sad, definitely, and almost certainly apocalyptic, but, like, also wild, right?

Now, I’ll admit, I’m not thrilled about how the weather is turning out. Who is? But remember, this is 2020. A little snow is about as mild as we could have hoped for. Personally, I was expecting it to rain blood. Or maybe there would be a big earthquake and California would fall into the sea. Hell, when I saw white stuff falling from the sky I checked the news to make sure that I wasn’t seeing ash from Yellowstone’s supervolcano. Nope. Just good ol’ fashion mid-Autumn snow.

(Now before I get angry comments saying I’m tempting fate, take a breath. I have very low readership. This isn’t getting back to God or Mother Nature anytime soon.)

My theoretical naysayer is shaking and salivating as much as King George III in Hamilton, so let’s take his question. “But how do you know something really bad isn’t going to happen on Halloween? It isn’t even here yet!” Surprisingly pertinent question, my negative compadre. Good on you. The answer is obvious when you look into the rearview mirror and see the hellscape of 2020 thus far.

When you watched the ball drop last New Year’s Eve, did you think we would be in the midst of a global pandemic during Halloweek? That Tom Hanks, America’s golden boy, would get sick on the same day that national and collegiate sporting events would end? That March Madness and THE OLYMPICS would be cancelled? That schools and businesses would close and we would watch the death toll climb daily? That we as a country would briefly find new respect for those in service industries and for healthcare professionals? That the new respect would effectively come to a close when armed men stormed state capitols to “protest” wearing masks and keeping some businesses closed because the economy was somehow more important than human life?

Speaking of protest and the value of human life, did you foresee the death of one man in Minneapolis being the impetus of a revolution across the country? That we would all know the name of an EMT from Kentucky that was shot to death in her apartment? That we would see peaceful protestors gassed in front of the White House? That our president would not clearly and unequivocally denounce white supremacists? OK, you got me on that one. At the end of 2019 you probably could have imagined the American president murkily equivocating on white supremacy. Bad example, but the rest of the point stands.

How about the plague of locusts in the Middle East? The Midwestern hurricane? Murder hornets? Did you foresee the west coast on fire? Losing Kobe? Losing the Notorious RBG? Choosing between two seventy-year-old candidates for the presidency? Having Kanye West as a (somewhat) legitimate choice for that election? Not only knowing who Anthony Fauci is, but seeing him portrayed on Saturday Night Live by Brad Pitt? Brad Pitt being nominated for an Emmy for THAT!?

See, I didn’t think you did see that coming. No one saw any of that shit coming. And that’s why Halloween doesn’t scare me. An alien invasion on Halloween wouldn’t be shocking. Australia completely disappearing would elicit an eye-roll. Nuclear Armageddon would be met with a sigh of relief.

2020 has been terrible because it has been full of increasingly horrific surprises. Cataclysm on Halloween wouldn’t be surprising.

Think I’m wrong? Tell me, what happened on March thirteenth? Can’t remember? Nothing extraordinary (at least not by this year’s standards). It was an ordinary day. Why do I ask? It was one of two Friday the thirteenths in 2020. When’s the other, you may ask? November. I would guess that after Saturday, November thirteenth will be the only respite until 2021.

My friends, have a good Halloweek. Enjoy a calm Halloween. Prepare yourself for November third. And enjoy the brief armistice of the upcoming Civil War (Civil War II, the sequel that no one wanted) which I have penciled in for Friday the thirteenth. Also, be warned that this sequel will likely have a disappointing lack of both superheroes and stovepipe hats (a real travesty).

But, our national reckoning is still a few days off. In the meantime, I made some costume suggestions at the beginning of Hallomonth. If you are without a costume for a weird Zoom Halloween party, you can find some brilliant ideas in my October Proposal.

Have a safe and happy Halloween.