I’m in an abusive relationship with my Church
By: Charlotte Shurtz
Tags: Lds, Religion, Mormon, Abuse

Photo by Ed Robertson on Unsplash

This might sound crazy, but I think I’m in an abusive relationship. And just to be clear, it’s not with my husband.

But before I tell you more about my relationship, imagine that you have a friend named Sarah. You are eating lunch with Sarah, and she starts opening up to you about her husband, Todd. As you hear details about their relationship, you become concerned.

Todd frequently threatens Sarah that if she doesn’t do what he wants when he wants her to do it, he won’t let her talk with her family on the phone or visit them. Several months ago he lied to her. When she brought it up recently, he denied ever lying, even though she has texts that prove he did. He told her she was crazy to believe that he would ever lie or hurt her. Sometimes he redefines words to mean something significantly different than any commonly accepted definition in order to explain that he never said what she thought he said. (This is gaslighting.) When something doesn’t go according to his plan, it’s always her fault and never his. He never acknowledges that he makes mistakes or apologizes for hurting her. Todd tells Sarah that no one else will ever love her as much as he does or be as generous as him. You recognize this as emotional abuse.

When they got married, Todd asked Sarah to quit her job and put her money into his bank accounts. Now he controls all the finances. If Sarah wants to buy anything, she has to ask Todd for money. Sometimes he gives her money, sometimes he refuses. She is glad he agreed to give her money to buy lunch today, but realizes he could have refused. You recognize this as financial abuse.

Sometimes Todd takes off the condom during sex, even though they previously agreed to use condoms for birth control. He refuses to let Sarah access their insurance information so that she can schedule an appointment with her gynecologist to get a long-lasting form of birth control. He pressures her to be a good wife and give him a baby. You recognize this as reproductive coercion, which is also a form of abuse.

As you listen to Sarah talk about her relationship with Todd, you feel concerned about her safety and well-being. You might ask if you could help her access resources like a domestic violence shelter. If she wanted to leave her abuser, you would probably be supportive. You might be willing to store Sarah’s important documents at your home until she is safely able to leave Todd or offer to help her revise her resume so she can get a job and support herself.

Maybe this whole scenario feels familiar because you’ve actually helped a friend in an abusive relationship or you’ve been in an abusive relationship yourself.

But what if your friend is me? And what if the abuser isn’t a person but an organization? Would your response be any different?

Would you be willing to listen to my experiences and feelings?

Would you be supportive if I decided to leave that organization?

When I consider all of Sarah’s experiences with her husband, I have to wonder. Am I in an abusive relationship, too?

I can think of specific examples of each of the types of abuse your imaginary friend Sarah experienced when I consider my relationship with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Let’s examine each type of abuse one by one.

Emotional Abuse

Like how Todd threatens to separate Sarah from her family if she isn’t submissive to him, I’ve been taught my entire life that there is only one way to be with my family after this life, and only The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints can provide access to it. The Church teaches that in order to be with your family forever you must first have faith in Jesus and believe in God, repent, be baptized, believe Joseph Smith is a prophet and believe in The Book of Mormon, support and sustain the president of the Church and other Church leaders as the voices of God on earth, be honest, have clean thoughts, attend Church regularly (and probably volunteer), be chaste, obey the Word of Wisdom, and pay 10% of your income to the Church, and wear special underwear. And other than baptism, you have to keep doing each of those things for the rest of your life, plus all the other things you are expected to do but I didn’t list. If I love my family, then how could I not do what the Church says? If I refuse, I am threatened with eternal isolation from the people I love. In effect, my relationship to my family is held hostage to make me stay committed to maintaining my relationship with the Church and obedience to what the Church asks of me.

The Church practices gaslighting, especially as a way to hide unsavory history. Todd denied that he had done certain things and told a different story, even though she had proof. Sometimes Church leaders use carefully worded statements to technically skirt untruths while intentionally misleading. Other times the Church creates propaganda that is completely untrue.

For example, there is the familiar story of Thomas B. Marsh’s leaving the Church because his wife was offended by a disagreement with another woman over some milk strippings. This story is often used in Church teachings to warn against being offended or to blame those who have left the Church for taking offense at silly issues. However, an examination of historical documents tells a much different story. First, there are no contemporary records of a disagreement about milk strippings, which suggests it is likely a “faith promoting rumor” rather than truth. Second, Thomas B. Marsh’s own written records describe leaving the Church over concerns about violence and illegal activity. Marsh objected to the violence proposed by some Church members, including plans to kill members who dissented and to obey the leaders of the Church no matter what they proposed, whether it was right or wrong. In October 1838, a group of Mormon men led by the apostle David Patten went to the nearby settlement of Gallatin where they burned down the post office, plundered the town, and took the items they stole back to the Bishop’s Store House. A few days later, Thomas B. Marsh wrote a letter in which he explained “I have left the Mormons & Joseph Smith Jr for conscience sake, and that alone, for I have come to the full conclusion that he is a very wicked man; notwithstanding all my efforts to persuade myself to the Contra[ry]”. He could not with integrity continue to support Joseph Smith after he had seen Smith’s support of violence and plundering others possessions.

Why does this misleading story about the 1800’s still matter? By perpetuating the story of a man who left the Church because he could not support violence and illegal activity with a petty disagreement over milk strippings, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints replaces truth with a lie, and repeats that lie so frequently it is believed. The Church also uses this story to blame anyone who chooses to leave the Church and that abusive relationship with “being offended.” This is emotional abuse.

Still other instances are just lies. For example, in the October 2019 General Conference, Elder Oaks called for members to “discourage premature labeling [of sexual orientation],” the implication of his warning being that children aren’t capable of knowing their sexual orientation (or gender identity, if different than what was assigned at birth). This statement is accompanied by a footnote directing the reader to an article by Michelle Forcier. However, the article by Michelle Forcier actually supports following children’s lead and affirmatively using the terms the child chooses to describe themselves in regards to gender and sexual identity. According to Forcier, doing as Oaks suggests leads to increased risk for anxiety, depression, and suicide. By citing a scholarly article in support of his statement, Oaks asserts that his (and the Church’s) position is supported by the scholarship. This is a lie.

The Church also redefines the meanings of words. Instead of having the obvious, dictionary meaning, the Church claims some words really mean something else. Consider the Word of Wisdom. If you read it as written in the Doctrine and Covenants, it explicitly states that it is not a commandment. Yet, the Church claims that The Word of Wisdom was never actually meant as a guideline; it always was and still is a commandment. If you read it as written in the Doctrine and Covenants, the Word of Wisdom explicitly permits barley drinks (beer). Still, the Church teaches that no alcoholic drinks are permitted and that the Word of Wisdom never actually meant that alcoholic drinks are allowed if they are made from barley. Similarly, sometimes the Church uses preside to mean “to occupy the place of authority and exercise guidance and control.” At other times, the Church claims that preside means “to lead as an equal leader with one’s spouse.” Redefining words to change the meaning of past statements is emotional abuse.

Just as Todd never admits that any issues in their relationship could be even partially his fault or apologizes, The Church of Jesus Christ does not apologize or admit mistakes. In fact, this is a matter of pride for some Church leaders. For example, Dallin H. Oaks said “the Church is not to seek apologies or to give them.” There have been no public apologies for withholding the priesthood and saving temple ordinances from Black Church members until 1978, for the multi-generational trauma caused by polygamy and continuing eternal polygamy, or for the 2015–2019 Church policy that excluded children of LGBTQ parents from baptism (and the suicides that resulted from the policy). Refusing to ever admit or apologize for wrongdoing is emotional abuse.

Todd tells Sarah no one will ever love her as much or make her as happy as he can. Similarly, the Church claims to be the only true Church, the only place I can be sealed to my family, and the only way I can be happy. This is an abusive tactic to separate the victim from others who care about them and prevent the victim from considering/wondering if there is happiness anywhere else. Although the victim may physically be able to leave, mentally they are prevented from even considering it because they believe the words of their abuser.

The Church tells me that if anyone who has left the Church looks happy, their happiness is fake. According to the Church, people may think they are happy, but they really aren’t. Disputing other people’s feelings and claiming to know other people’s feelings better than they know their own feelings is emotional abuse.

Financial Abuse

Todd controls Sarah’s financial stability by demanding that she quit her job and become completely financially dependent on him. Teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints create financial dependence rather than independence, especially for women. Prophets have repeatedly taught that women are only supposed to work outside the home in emergencies. If a woman works outside the home by choice and has financial independence, she is choosing the path to broken, unhealthy families and divorce, according to the current Eternal Marriage Manual, which compiles a list of teachings by prophets about families. They even go as far as to teach “Women, when you are married it is the husband’s role to provide, not yours.” and “The seeds of divorce are often sown . . . by wives working outside the home.” Demanding that another person give up their employment and financial independence in order to be seen as a good partner in a relationship is financial abuse.

Todd chooses what Sarah may spend her money on, including if she is able to buy food. The Church also claims authority to determine financial priorities of its members, even if that means a member will not be able to buy themselves or their children food. The Church teaches wise financial management means members must pay 10% of their income in tithing to the Church before food, rent, or other necessities, even if individuals do not have enough money to properly care for their families. If the full 10% tithing is not paid, members cannot enter temples and be sealed to their family for eternity and are threatened with being burned at Christ’s Second Coming. The Church uses emotional abuse and threats to control members finances. Controlling where another person’s money is spent — even when that means there will not be enough money for basic necessities — is financial abuse.

Reproductive Coercion

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints also uses reproductive coercion. Generally speaking, the Church encourages members to have children before they are adequately prepared to care for them. Members are promised if they just “have faith” it will all work out. Church leaders have taught that members should have as many children as possible in order to ensure that more people are born into members homes. The rhetoric surrounding reproduction creates intense pressure to conceive early and frequently, sometimes even equating the primary purpose of a woman’s life with her ability to give birth.

I have also experienced reproductive coercion on a more personal level. Earlier this year my bishop suggested I should stop working and get pregnant because (according to him) it would please God. He suggested that I would be more righteous if I were a stay-at-home mother. By tying the choice to have children with righteousness, my local Church leader tried to manipulate my reproductive choices. This is reproductive coercion and is completely unacceptable.

So what?

Taken all together, the emotional abuse, financial abuse, and reproductive coercion from The Church of Jesus Christ is not good for my mental health nor does they ensure happiness. I’ve tried so, so hard to believe everything the Church says and do everything it asks of me. But the emotional abuse, financial abuse, and reproductive coercion of the Church have resulted in depression, disassociation, and even suicidal thoughts.

If the Church was my significant other, you and I would probably agree that I should consider leaving them for my own safety and mental health.

I believe in kind, loving Heavenly Parents who want each of their children to be happy and in healthy relationships. At the same time, my relationship with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is anything but happy and healthy. There are some things I love, but they are far outweighed by the unhealthy, abusive parts of the relationship. I can’t stay in this unhealthy and unhappy relationship, and I can’t believe kind, loving Heavenly Parents would want me to.

Are you willing to support me as I leave my abusive relationship with the Church?