Human Resources is Not Your Friend
By: Jessika Lakin
Tags: Work, Fiction, This Happened To Me, Self, Career Advice

Remember, Human Resources is not your friend, I tell myself as a mantra.

“Morning, Jess. You ready?”

I look up from my laptop to see Elaine in my doorway. Her ivory-colored concealer collects in small lines under her eyes, visible from eight feet away. She is a year younger than I am, and I feel a little sorry for her knowing how much she spends on Botox and Juvederm. They’re not reversing her age.

“Uhm, sure. Where do you want to meet?” Brick is out of the office while his assistant, Reyna, grabs breakfast across the parking lot.

“Conference room is good. Where’s Brick this morning?” Elaine asks.

“With one of his kids, I think. I’m not sure.”

“What’s up, ladies?” Ryan asks as he exits his office for a third cup of coffee from the Keurig.

“Taking a break from spreadsheets?” Elaine asks.

“Dude, I’m working on next year’s budget, and it’s killing me. By the way, I’m going to need a preliminary advertising budget from you, Jess.”

“Another million like we had this year works for me.”

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to be possible this time around,” Ryan says.

“Okay, y’all can hammer that out later. Jess?” Elaine nods in the direction of the conference room as Ryan raises his eyebrows. I ignore Ryan’s silent inquiry into what’s happening and lead Elaine into our meeting.

“So, how are things?” She asks as she closes the door behind her.

“Good,” I say. I like Elaine. She’s warm and authentic, unlike the uptight, bony ass bitches working in Corporate.

“Heather’s announcement sure is big news. How long have you two worked together?”

“I’ve reported to her the past four years, but we’ve worked together for seven, more or less.”

Elaine opens her laptop and a notepad. She’s been with Align for six months, covering all hiring and firing in the southwest region. She loves oaky chardonnay and discusses challenges in her marriage, similar to mine. HR is never your friend, and I know better than to trust her entirely, but her warmth and friendliness disarm me.

“We’ll have to grab happy hour again soon,” she says. I nod in agreement. A happy hour sounds lovely, but my stomach twists in anticipation of questions about Brick.

“Let’s get started. You know what this is about?”

“Heather said she filed a complaint against Brick.”

“Correct. I’m investigating whether Brick is creating a hostile work environment for women. Tell me, do you agree with her assessment?”

Loaded question. Do I agree Brick creates a hostile work environment for women? My history with him is complicated, almost as complicated as my history with Heather but for vastly different reasons. He’s moderately sexist, sure, but isn’t every guy who works at Align? Besides, how hostile can the man who promoted me into management while six months pregnant be?

“Heather reports that Brick undermined her in a conversation back in July. Can you elaborate on that?”

“Undermined? Look, Brick’s no stranger to saying inappropriate things. Heck, we all are. I sure don’t want every inappropriate thing I’ve ever said held against me.”

“Yeah, but this is different. Heather alleges Brick told you she is stealing from the company.”

“Whoa. What? Where did that come from?”

“Heather claims he cornered you at the South Texas meeting about Jason leaving the company and that she was helping Jason by providing sales figures to BioMed.”

“Brick never said that to me. I’m sorry. She’s my boss, and I want to help her, but I can’t back her up. I can’t lie to make her perception of events fit with some narrative of Brick, creating a hostile work environment for women. It’s simply not true.”

“So, what happened exactly?”