Kink as a Form of Sex Therapy
By: Kaye Smith Phd
Tags: BDSM, Relationships, Sex, Psychology, Kink

It is always by way of pain one arrives at pleasure — Marquis de Sade

Ah spring is in the air, and the birds are doing it, the bees are doing it, my neutered house-cat would like to do it (adorable, elevator butt is a dead giveaway) and, thanks to Coronavirus social distancing, I’m…um…writing about doing it.

Well, I have read some interesting books and articles during this slowly-ending quarantine. I’ve been very interested in kink here lately. One of my favorite academics is social psychologist Roy Baumeister. He has done some fascinating research on the psychology of masochism, including his well-known book “Masochism and the Self”.

From the outside, masochism (deriving sexual pleasure from pain or humiliation) seems like an odd lifestyle choice. After all, why would anyone willingly choose to experience pain, be humiliated, or pay someone to call them names? Baumeister has an interesting take on the subject.

He believes that “adulting” is this day and age is a real pain in the ass!

All the work, stress, house payments, Cornonaviruses, and pressures to measure up are often too much for the modern man or woman. Masochism, the “M” in the “S&M” relationship offers an escape from all that. At least for a while.

According to Baumeister, research indicates that stress is most damaging when it is unrelenting. Somehow, if the stress lets up enough that we can breathe for a moment, it’s more manageable.

Kink allows the masochist to throw off the shackles of self-awareness and be in the moment for once. It is a break from adulting. While many of us obsess over our reputations and our Instagram feeds, the masochist seems hellbent on throwing this whole self-esteem bullshit out the window! When you’re groveling on your knees and being led around by a dog collar, it’s safe to say that self-respect isn’t one of your prime goals at the moment.

When you’re groveling on your knees and being led around by a dog collar, it’s safe to say that self-respect isn’t one of your prime goals at the moment.

But…ah…how freeing.

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose. — Kris Kristopherson

Many of us walk around presenting a fake self that others will approve of and that may have little to do with the reality of who we really are. Our cover can be blown at any moment. So, any part of us that our boss or mother-in-law might find offensive gets shoved into the back corners of our unconscious. And it takes work — real work to control and micromanage the real self so it doesn’t rear its ugly head at the wrong moment.

Self-suppression is fucking exhausting.

The masochist, by contrast, lets go of this control, this constant need to be perfect, accepts being a sniveling dog begging for treats, and revels in his or her body and sensory experience:

“Masochism is a set of techniques for escaping from self-awareness, that is, for temporarily putting the individual into a state in which his or her normal identity is forgotten. Such an escape relieves the stressful burdens and demands that attend the modern Western form of selfhood. Loss of self-awareness is inherently conducive to sexual pleasure.” — Roy Baumeister

In his research, Baumeister makes a startling comparison between kink and sex therapy and believes that the former has some aspects of the latter.

In other words, kink can be a healing sexual balm.

Baumeister wanted to understand why masochists claim that pain is the ultimate aphrodisiac and often report enviably hot sex lives. He looked at the research and found that there were five similarities between the role of the “M” in the S&M relationship and the mechanics of sex therapy, as practiced by Masters and Johnson (Masters of Sex).