You’re Not Conflict Averse, You’re Just a Coward
By: Anastasia Reesa Tomkin
Tags: White Privilege, BlackLivesMatter, Equality, Nonprofit, Racism

You’re Not Conflict Averse, You’re Just a Coward

A reality check for white liberals in these unprecedented times

Photo: Shutterstock

I have always been fascinated by dictators. Whether it’s the fact that Russia is now “discussing” having Vladimir Putin rule until he’s 83 years old, or the shroud of uncertainty surrounding whether Kim Jong-Un carried out an elaborate death hoax, the question of how such unchallenged power is even possible keeps me deep in thought.

To consider it in logical terms, that millions of people should be able to organize and overthrow one person, is to not see the full picture. These types of governments employ some very disturbing fear tactics to intimidate the masses into silence. Fear of job loss is nothing compared to fear of being locked in a cage with a pack of starved dogs before a captive audience. Then, it isn’t only the dictator who enjoys the comforts of power — there are multiple officials within the government and the army and all the institutions of society who have a vested interest in maintaining their relative privilege. At the point when people start dropping like flies for thinking a bad thought towards the benevolent ruler, it is unlikely that there will be a mass uprising. Challenging a nucleus of power must often be a collective effort and should ideally come at the first signs of the power-holders becoming too comfortable.

If we zoom out and take it back to the Western world, we can see that while governments are supposedly democratic in nature, the workplace is not. This can be rationalized when it comes to small businesses owned and operated by the founder, but should it be that way in the non profit sector? With most people spending 90,000 hours of their lives at work, it is time to assess how we show up and speak up. In the professional sphere, there is no looming threat of death or incarceration for challenging unhealthy social norms or people’s stranglehold on power, so why don’t more people do it?

Most companies claim to value their employees’ voice and input. However, if you’ve ever spent a significant amount of time in a North American workplace for example, you’d quickly realize that that isn’t necessarily the case. CEOs, managers and those in positions of power really really like the sound of their own voice, and the idea that when they say jump, they can make you ask how high. The distribution of workload is top-down, and so is the determination of next steps on any given matter.

If we hone in on a specific issue that this structure affects, such as diversity in the workplace, it becomes even more problematic. The way to fight against the pervasive status quo of white organizational culture is through advocacy, follow-up, repeat. Equity has literally never been achieved by the writing of polite emails, sent up the chain and into the abyss. Nor has it been achieved through the good intentions of white liberals or the exposition of company values on a website magically transforming itself into reality. Any and all strides in racial equality have come about through the work of those with enough bravery, passion and stamina to push for change. More often than not, black women have been leading the charge.

White people have a very particular excuse when probed about their silence and co-signing of the injustice. They say that they are “conflict avoidant” or “conflict averse”. Interestingly enough, this hesitation to push back only manifests when it’s time to push back against their superiors, and never when they feel the need to push back against their equals or subordinates. There’s an ancient word for this that’s much less pseudo-intellectual, it’s called cowardice.

This modern attempt to masquerade an unwillingness to break white solidarity as some form of timidity due to being a peace-loving hippie is preposterous. Your therapist may tell you that it’s because of your unresolved childhood trauma, but I will tell you that it’s because you are reluctant to support something that may make you lose out in some way — be it power, promotion, or good standing in the leaders’ eyes. Whatever your reasoning, it’s pathetic. It means that you are complicit in the harm being done to people of color in the organization, who are of course dealing with their own childhood trauma on top of copious amounts of racism.

The difference is that black people, especially women, don’t have the luxury of deciding that conflict makes them uncomfortable. We exist in a constant state of having to advocate for ourselves and others or risk being short-changed in significant ways. Without the advantage of whiteness and maleness, professional life is an exercise of choosing what to fight for and what to let slide, the alternative being to let society walk all over you. Being under pressure and leaning into conflict for the sake of a better outcome is pretty much all we know.

Do you think it’s fun that standing up for ourselves can lead to disagreements?

Do you think we enjoy being gaslighted and overlooked and thrown under the bus on a regular basis?

Do you think we like conflict?

Ironically enough, white women harp on and on about the patriarchy and sexism and the glass ceiling, expecting women of color to join their crusade, but when it comes to issues of race they suddenly play meek and mild. Of course they wouldn’t want to shake the table, when the table has been beautifully laid out in their favor.

The problem is when you call yourself a white ally then remain silent and complicit under the pretext of being “conflict avoidant”. This ties right in to laughable historical tropes about the black woman being aggressive and hostile and the white woman being the delicate damsel in distress. The very least you can do is end the hypocrisy of blaming conflict aversion, and admit that you don’t want to lose white privilege or break white solidarity in the workplace. Even in the absence of an evil dictator threatening to kill or torture you, you are too scared to lose something for the sake of justice. White people, you especially can get a new job if it ever boils down to that. It is either you prefer to continually elevate and support the voices of your black colleagues or you prefer to be a puppet of white supremacy.

The choice is yours. And please, as you make that decision on a daily basis, resist the urge to pretend that any cowardice is in the best interests of world peace. It is an insult to those of us who have no choice but to dive head first into conflict every day since racism is a never-ending physical and psychological war, and life is our battlefield.

After all, conflict of all kinds is an inevitable feature of life on earth. The number of violent bloody wars waged by white people to attain global white supremacy is evidence that they are indeed quite comfortable with conflict — when it benefits them. A bit of verbal sparring to right the wrongs they have created and allowed to flourish should not be that hard.

Make no mistake. An unwillingness to join the cause of holding power accountable, exposing injustice, or demanding equitable adjustments is a deliberate weakness that needs to be weeded out. Folks who see themselves as progressive, yet balk at the opportunity to raise their voice in support of the oppressed, are dangerously fraudulent and deserve to be called out. Let us revoke the excuse of conflict aversion from so-called white allies, and allow them to show the world where they truly stand.