My Journey… Where am I Now?
By: Daphne Han
Tags: Journey, Culture, Life, Asian American

The feeling of excitement and uncertainty as I clumsily stumbled into my classroom the first day, not worrying about whether or not my English was good enough to communicate with these new faces, rather only focusing on the start of a new adventure.

Then in what felt like forever, I stood before my new school on the first day of kindergarten. At this point, I was now the oldest sibling with a younger sister and a newborn brother. The same feeling of excitement flowed through me. New school. New friends. New family. I still remember distinctly the wish I made on my 7th birthday in first grade, desperately wishing time could fly by faster so I could be “cooler” and older. I blew as hard and as quickly as I could at those seven glowing candles, secretly hoping it would make my wish come true faster.

Then as if the heavens heard me, my perception of time went from agonizingly slow to fast — faster than I had expected. In the blink of an eye, in what felt like two months, I was in fifth grade. At this point, I was still pretty content with myself. I still liked to paint, draw, and write (and even won multiple awards which boosted my childish ego). I enjoyed math, so much so to the point where I made a jeopardy style math game on an outdated 2007 Microsoft PowerPoint and made my class have a competition. I did things out of pure enjoyment, I enjoyed challenging myself, pushing myself. I felt good about myself. Elementary school was also when I experienced the first bits of racism rooted in some of my classmates, I just didn’t know the term yet. Although I was content with myself, deep inside of me, the first bits of of self-consciousness and insecurity became to take root.

All of a sudden, I was in middle school. Time at this point only began to feel like it passed exponentially faster, never seeming to slow down. My lighthearted and carefree personality was still prevalent and I hadn’t adjusted to what was expected of me as a middle school student. Not ever being fully challenged in elementary school, I naively thought that I would never have to work hard to do well in school. Over the summer, I participated in my first overnight camp — the first time I would ever live away from my parents. It opened my eyes. I realized how naive I was in my little bubble here in Kingwood, never realizing the fact that there will always be people who are better than you at something. I felt extremely challenged for the first time in my life. I kept coming back each year to this program, summer after summer, and met lots of new people, most of whom I still keep in touch with and have significantly impacted my current lifestyle and mindset (more on that later :)). Middle school soon became a blur to me. I can confidently say that the most prominent memories were from Science Olympiad. The feeling of pulling all-nighters to make your cheat sheets, the swell of pride in your chest as you walked up on stage to collect a medal you may or may not have fully deserved and hearing the cheers of your teammates. In what felt like such a short span of time, I had lost and made many friends and met new people from many different places. I went through an emo phase(if you were ever friends with me during this I’m so sorry), I experienced more racism, I learned to play cello, I visited China for the first time in years; a life-changing experience that propelled me to slowly connect more and more with my own culture and identity.

High school hit me.

Freshman year was a year of growth and learning (so was sophomore year but more so freshman year). At this point, I truly began to immerse myself in my own culture and loving to become a part of it for the first time. I made more friends, met more people, drifted from some, and became extremely close to a few. Lots of drama happened, but that only made me learn more about myself and those around me. I learned to expect less out of others and that I will never be satisfied if I keep expecting others to behave/act the same way as me.

This year.

I’m proud to say I’ve come a long way from where I was. This year was filled with a lot of firsts. My confidence soared this year. I became better at public speaking. I made even more friends who have positively impacted my life. I skied for the first time ever (got stuck on a mountain but that’s okay), I got my first job (and got fired for the first time BUT that’s a story for another time and I will rage if I discuss it in more detail right now), I learned a lot of shocking things, spilled lots of * t e a *, and re-engaged myself with writing and art. I made a pen pal in Spanish (Eduardo), a fourth grader who reminded me a lot of myself when I was younger. He was definitely extremely insecure and shy and didn’t have many friends. For some reason, this little boy who I had never spoken to in person until that day touched my heart. Throughout recess, we talked to each other about our families, our interests, our likes and dislikes. I taught him how to jump rope and it made my heart soar when I saw him finally master it. He asked me for advice before we left and I told him about my experiences and the lessons I’ve learnt and at the moment, it felt weird. My whole life, I had been looking up to others, constantly chasing after a dream that will most likely continue to stay a dream, chasing role model after role model, asking others for advice and help. This was the first time where I consciously recognized that someone was looking up to me, and the feeling was… scary? I myself have not even decided what I want to do, I don’t even know what I’m doing half the time, and I’m certainly not the best person to look up to , but here this kid was asking me for help and advice. I guess it goes to show that there’s always someone who looks up to you, so be the best person you can be :)

I also attended graduation on Saturday and it felt surreal watching my senior friends walk up and collect their *diplomas*. It made me realize how little time I have left till I graduate and a whole flurry of regrets washed in, as I felt like I haven’t done enough yet to somehow even push me towards my far stretch of a goal so I guess I gotta work harder than I ever have now.

Each “era” of my life has been painted a different color and slowly I’m making my own rainbow, hoping I can reach my own pot of gold someday.