The 3-in-1 Trinity Boss
By: Jake Hixon
Tags: Hillary Clinton, Zelda, Videogames, Mario, Politics

What has red hair, green skin, and won’t go away (no matter how many times you beat it?) That’s right, Boss #3 in our 2019 LEPWGBE (a mini series): The Ganondorf/Bowser/Hillary Clinton crossover that this holiday season deserves.

RE: I apologize, Mrs. Clinton — your hair and skin are aging well and certainly are not popular December colors. This is just where you fit in the miniseries.

Three’s the number we’re interested in today. There are 3 Bowser iterations in Super Mario 64 (the greatest Mario game of all time).

There are 3 iterations of Ganondorf in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

And, assuming this Tweet means anything, there will be a 3rd iteration of Hillary Clinton running for President.

Disclaimer: in this walkthrough entry, we are going to very purposefully skirt over the all-important Magic color wheel analysis of Mrs. Clinton’s character, as her Azorius law magic pairing of white/blue “order through knowledge and structure” is not in line with either identity of Bowser or Ganon, and we’re sticking to this trio.

Bowser is the main antagonist in Nintendo’s Mario franchise, and he’s been kidnapping the princess since 1985. He’s nothing if not persistent. Mario has beaten him in at least 13 separate titles, and his tactics aren’t changing much beyond a new wardrobe in 2018. But he’s always there, the boss you have to worry about. Fire is both one of his primary weapons and primary weaknesses — be it Mario’s fireballs or the lava pit he frequently stands over.

Ganon(dorf) came on the scene one year later, in 1986’s The Legend of Zelda. The complicated timeline that is the Zelda franchise actually puts Ganon’s origin in 2011’s The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword, in the form of the Demon King Demise, who, upon defeat by Link and the Goddess Hylia, curses the 3 (three!)of them to endlessly reincarnate and fight. Demise’s reincarnations come in the form of either Ganondorf, the ambitious mortal whose power unchecked manifests as Demise’s other form: a bestial Ganon.

Ganon and Bowser share the goal of ruling the kingdom, and very often kidnap the Princess in the process. Ganondorf, the lone male of the Gerudo race, sees Hyrule and the Triforce as his right; Bowser takes what he knows he can.

Enter part 3 of our Trinity Boss. She’s persistent (see her daughter’s book about it, titled She Persisted), she’s lost her share of battles, and some would argue she believes the Presidency to be her right. She stacks up right in the framework of the repeatable boss whose character is so bound to the series that its odd when she isn’t in the game. So, if she’s our Boss, then we’ll look to her counterparts to see how we defeat her next inevitable resurgence.

Lava. I mentioned it before, but I’ll emphasize, your first attempt should always utilize fire damage if available to you. Bowser hates its range and proximity. Din’s Fire is pretty effective at dealing damage to Ganon depending on his stage of vulnerability. My bet is, for better or for worse, the political climate is, right now, too fiery for a 2-loss candidate to reasonably jump back in. Tweets or no tweets, I think our protective fire circle will do just fine.

2. Squad up. While both Bowser and Ganon have been defeated solely at the hands of Mario and Link respectively, the task is far easier when aided by Baby Mario, Luigi, Zelda, Hylia, Epona, maybe Navi. Hillary Clinton’s 2016 run very likely was torched because she ran against 2 opponents: Donald Trump in the general election and Bernie Sanders in the primary, which cost her the votes of many alienated Bernie supporters. Feel the Bern.

3. Self-defeat. SO many 3’s today. Thirdly, and lastly, defeating this Boss is sort-of baked into the cake, so to speak. When you fight Bowser, the tools to beat him are there, be it the pool of lava he’s always standing over or the spike bombs that you must throw him into with calculated precision. Ganon, likewise, does himself in in a number of ways: from always opening the Sacred Realm and splitting the Triforce, thus enhancing the powers of Link and Princess Zelda to manifesting himself as Malice Incarnate to break the cycle of reincarnation but leave himself vulnerable to forever being dead. Hillary Clinton isn’t the Twitter Demagogue, but she does a lot to self-defeat via Tweeting alone. And though her list of who to blame for 2016 is long and also a book, one cannot forget her failure to campaign in Wiscosin.

Too soon? Always.