Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Lower My Standards?
By: The Good Men Project
Tags: Relationships, Advice, Standards, Attraction, Dating

Ask Dr. NerdLove: Should I Lower My Standards?

Is finding sexual partners I want really just a never ending mirage?

Photo credit: Shutterstock

By Harris O’Malley

Hi Doc, I started dating in my early twenties and in that time I learned a lot about who I gel with and who to stay the he** away from. However, one thing that I noticed was a common theme:

I kept dating people I wasn’t really attracted to.

I felt that I had to “learn and practice” dating with people I didn’t have much interest in, and that I had to be “good” at it before going for who I really wanted to date. Mostly because whenever I meet someone I’m really attracted to, I always f*ck it up, get oneitis, self-sabotage, and don’t know how to fix it. It feels like the universe conspires to make sure I don’t get what I want and that I don’t deserve it (which is confusing because it’s not like I’m asking for much or anyways. Just someone who is into books, deep conversations, and is on the nerdier and curvier side of physical looks. I really don’t care if someone is “hot” or “smokin” in the looks department). I think those are fair standards right?

I see my types all over the place so “scarcity” shouldn’t be an issue. If I mess up I can just try again. But the problem is that everything feels out of reach for me and that I have to settle for people I am not attracted to (despite having interests in common for friendship which is nice, but I am looking for something more than just friends.) I never have these problems with people I’m not attracted to, but I’ll have sex with them anyways to get my sexual needs met, and then I feel bad for not giving them my full undivided interest and attention when it comes to dating and then I eventually just fade things off.

Is finding sexual partners I want really just a never ending mirage?

Lowered Expectations

I love it when people ask me questions that can be answered in one word: No.

Wait, you probably want more than that, huh?

Here’s your issue in a nutshell, LE: you don’t believe you deserve to date someone you’re attracted to. All of the setbacks you describe: self-sabotage, Oneitis, etc? That’s not the universe conspiring against you, LE, that’s you kneecapping yourself. You believe at some level that because you aren’t worthy of dating someone you’re actually attracted to, that you’re going to inevitably get hurt, so instead you blow your chances before they even start; after all, can’t get hurt if you never have a shot in the first place, right?

This also leads to the people you are dating. You feel as though you’re unworthy of the people you’re actually interested in, so you pursue folks who are “safe”; you know that you don’t care about them that much, so there’s no real emotional risk for you. You get your itch scratched with minimal investment on your end; thus, when things fall apart, it’s no great loss to you.

But, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, there a few problems with this outlook. The first is simple: you may be getting laid, but it sure as hell ain’t satisfying. In fact, I suspect that sex with your recent parters feels more like masturbation. Hell, it’s possibly not actually as worthwhile as masturbation; at least that’s sex with someone you love. And I imagine you have noticed that being with these partners — the ones you’re not attracted to — feels almost lonelier than actually being by yourself.

And then there’s the fact that this is pretty d**n cruel to the people who have emotionally invested in you. After all, they deserve to have a partner who’s actually into them, just as much as they’re into you, no?

You need to start believing in your own worth, LE. You said it yourself: it’s not as though the people you’re into are an especially rare resource or thin on the ground. You’re well aware that, should things not work out, there will be other chances for you out there. The thing isn’t that these people are out of your reach, it’s that you won’t let yourself try. It’s not even that you’re making the attempt and failing; you’ve already decided that you’ve failed before you’ve even started.

If you want to actually start dating people you’re into, then you need to take them off the pedestal and — more importantly — stop letting your fears and self-limiting beliefs hold you back.

To quote Oscar Wilde: shoot for the moon; even if you miss, you’ll still be among the stars.

Good luck.

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The story was previously published on The Good Men Project.