My Dogs Are Suing Me
By: Till Kaeslin
Tags: Pets, Humor, Love, Fiction, Dogs

PETS

My Dogs Are Suing Me

It’s time to renegotiate our contract

Image via Pixabay.

My dogs, Umi and Luna, have officially denied my part-time contract. Now we’re in the thick of contractual negotiations.

See, my dogs never really supported my move away from home. Come to think of it, they never really supported my leaving the house at all unless they got a walk out of it.

Unfortunately for them, humans are a lot more like birds than they are like dogs.

Eventually, an unexplicable and uncomfortable urge overcomes us all to flee the nest. Meanwhile, our four-legged friends stay behind, left forever scratching their heads with their hind legs and sniffing butts for the answer to the age-old canine conundrum, “What more could you want out of life than a cozy nest?”

As my dogs spent their days padding around the house in search of the answer to this very question, I remained entirely ignorant to it as human beings tend to do. All I knew was that it was time for me to leave.

My first adventure into the great, big world outside the nest was my freshman year of college.

My dogs knew something was coming given the inordinate amount of suitcase packing and annoying “I’ll miss you” hovering as they were trying to nap. As the day drew closer that I was to leave the house, they contacted their shared lawyer to draft the official part-time-hour contract.

At the time, I was still a full-time dog’s best friend, coming home at the end of each school day to throw sticks and pour them a bowl of hard, brown chunks masquerading as food that they were somehow obsessed with.

The stipulations of the part-time contract were clear, which is quite amazing given their representative is a 12-year-old Shiba Inu:

I was to come home for all major holidays

Whenever I was back at the nest, I had to feed them one cup of hard, brown chunks more than they were used to getting from my parents

I had to go outside and play with them at least once a visit

They reserved the right to use the guilt-inducing, “don’t leave me again” face whenever applicable. This oftentimes coincided with begging for food at the dinner table, something my dogs swear was just a coincidence.

The contract sounded pretty fair to me, so I hastily signed my name alongside their inked paw prints.

*I’m glad they were so generous with the terms, because, if you can believe it, I had no canine legal representation of my own at the time. I know, I know — so irresponsible of me, but I was 18!

Four years later and the time has come to renew the contract — except now my dogs will no longer roll over for a part-time commitment.

“Things have changed,” they say. “It’s dangerous out there these days! There’s a pandemic going on. Whether it’s a dog bed or a desk, we’re all just lounging around at home these days anyway, so why can’t you lounge around back in the nest?”

I don’t know what to tell them. We’re at a stalemate — and oh boy if you’ve ever been in a contractual stalemate with your dogs over the holidays, you know how awkward that can be, am I right?

It’s like, can’t I just pet you?? Nope. Not until we’ve got ink on paper, apparently.

As it stands, we’re still negotiating, but I think I’ll get through to them.

I’ll have to show them that they’re barking up the wrong tree. Although I should probably avoid that phrase — I hear it’s been deemed offensive.

They might think they want me back in the family house 24/7, but as soon as they realize just how much I’ll cut into their nap-in-the-sun-spot time, I’m sure I can get them to roll-over on this.

As of today, their lawyer has told me they might file legal suits in my name if I leave the house again without signing a new contract. As annoying — and costly — as this ongoing fight may be, I guess I’m just thankful to have two doggos by my side that love me enough to sue me.

Not everyone can say as much, that’s for sure.