You’re only in race with YOURSELF
By: Yahya Wahyu Kurniawan
Tags: Learning And Development, Self Improvement, Personal Development, Personal Growth, Self Love

Have you ever felt like you’re behind someone else? Or you are not going far enough to catch up your friend?

Relax, you’re not the only one. Me too. I felt that very often in my early years in university. I thought, when I was out from high school, I’ll be in race that I need to beat everyone up. However, I got one important lesson. A really important one:

“I’m too busy to beat my own self”

My university life begin with my ambition to join Harvard Model United Nation (MUN). It was so legit that I desperately wanted to take part. When the recruitment was opened, I didn’t think twice. I immediately registered myself and shoot a chance to get it going. I prepared all the material, and I clearly remembered that I was assigned as Algeria representative toward human trafficking eradication. Surprisingly, I got a good impression and result from the examiner. However, in the last question, she asked me: “if we can’t get any sponsorship from any company, will you be able to afford your trip to Harvard?”. Well, to put it on perspective, I paid my own university tuition, so how the fuck could I afford my trip to fucking Boston? So I let it go.

I was (still) so passionate to have a — what it’s called — “idealism”. So I joined AIESEC. An organization that would provide you with a lot of strange and bizarre epitome. I joined as the staff of talent development, which I didn’t know what it was, and all I did everyday was to impress people — yes, to ‘impress’ people. Months went so great for me in this organization, and I took part in 4 different roles in just one year. To me, it was a massive jump. So I thought, I’d pour my heart and soul to this organization. And I did it.

Time went by, and I was so ready for my next huge ambition to be “executive board” of this organization. A “Vice President of Public Relation”. Again, to put it in perspective, an executive board was one of my biggest ambition in this organization, it is so important that in every chance it was opened, I applied. And I’d never been closer to that chance except for this one. I was so prepared to deliver my vision and ideas toward people in front of me. I was ready to give them a hell of new revolutions!

However, it was postponed because the member does not meet the status quo. It was postponed to the next week. Let me ask you, do you think I made it to the next week? Unfortunately, no. I got motor accident the night after it. I hit another rider, and I needed to pay their medical transaction as well.

My application? Yes, I surrendered, and I never took part for that chance again. Why? Because financial problem hit me so hard. I buried that dream, ever.

As an university student who wants to be graduated, I planned to be the firs person to be graduated in my batch. I finished 50% of my thesis when I was still in 6th semester. That time, my friend was still dealing with other subjects. It was a big leap to me. Hope came, and I was really pumped up to finish it sooner than anyone. But the reality said differently.

I knew I am not that kind of guy who can be really focus on one thing. I always need distraction and other things to keep me sane. So I started my business. A small one, but surrounded with good people around me. I called it New-List. A stationary based, that want to tackle basic problem of all youth: productivity. To be honest, this is one of my pride in life. Not to say that I am an entrepreneur, but to say that “after all of the struggle, the hardship, the immense pressure, sleepless night to find food for tomorrow, finally I am settle enough to start a business”. Again, the reality slaps me.

I got call from my mother. She said, my father was in hospital because two days ago he got single motor accident. His spleen was taken out. And it took a big surgery. For days and weeks, I stayed at home, focus on helping my family whatever it took. I was so stressful. I felt like I didn’t have any chance to get out from this loop of hardship. I kept on my grind, and didn’t take a break.

However, it also came up with the news that I had to sacrifice my business went back so far. What more? I was also in trouble with my thesis, that I had to start all over again because my data had been expired. Two huge hits to me. Which mean, another sleepless night awaits.

For me, with this kind of condition, seeing my friend graduated, seeing them went to MUN, seeing them having chance to executive board, seeing them not having trouble to have their college because every of their tuition has been paid by their parents, it was so painful at first and most of my earlier time. Meanwhile me? I have to deal with obstacle, and work, and grind, and everysingle emotional pressure that exist in my family and surrounding. Then I changed the question.

“Is it really needed, to be in race with anyone else?”

Thankfully, to me the answer is “no”. And I hope you also find the same answer with whatever your experiences are.

I am now getting started to my business and my thesis again. I am building my grind again, and starting to feel more easy with every challenges that come along. I used to say “if only I…”, but now, I changed the narrative, “today, I will…” I have faced a lot of scenarios, and I am never disappointed with what the result lead me to. Today, maybe I still an ordinary person who try to beat the thesis to be graduated. Tomorrow? I believe the things I invest today. And what matters? What matters is, I don’t have to look up to other person.

I just simply need to look up to my 10 years from now. Because that’s my hero — as I quoted from Matthew McConaughhey speech. So when I am in my thirty, is this what I chased? I’ll say “NO, not even close. My hero is me in forthy”. So I will never be able to catch up my hero. And that’s okay. Because that keeps me having someone to look up to eventhough I know, I will never be able to catch him.

So to my 10 years from now, I wish you a big luck that I will never be able to catch you, because to me, I will. Because I am determined, to only beat you, and not anyone else. And to you all, my friends. Chase yourself. Don’t give any single fuck to what extend anyone else is doing. Why? Because they also catching up their own self. If I make mistake, I don’t need nobody to make me feel pity for myself, and simply look up that tomorrow, I’ll be better than what I am today.

To me yesterday, weeks, months, years ago. Thank you, you made me who I am today. And I can’t thankful you enough for every challenge that you have made my life crazier and meaningful. I owe you the most. And if I win, I will pay the debt to you the most because you deserve ‘my best version of myself’ that learn all the mistakes I have produced. I am now, will never be worst than I was yesterday, and I am tomorrow, will be definitely better than I am today.