“Can We Hold Off Until After The Pig Races?”
By: Robert Cormack
Tags: Politics, Satire, Humor, Republican Party, 2020 Presidential Race

“The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.” P.J. O’Rourke

By now, we’ve all heard of Mellissa Carone, the Dominion Voting Whistleblower and supposed IT specialist (Dominion has since reported that she was hired as a cleaner). During testimony, she claimed firsthand knowledge of the most depraved ballot switch ever committed on American soil. Over 150,000 ballots should have gone to Trump, she claimed, telling the the committee to check the registered voter list. “There isn’t one,” she said.

When Republican Steve Johnson remarked that her numbers didn’t add up, she snapped back, “What did you guys do? Take it and do something crazy with it?” Leaning over to her ear, I’m sure Giuliani said, “Johnson’s a Republican, Mellissa. One of us, in other words, you ninny. ”

Who thinks of telling your star witness to at least remember party affiliations?

To be fair, Giuliani only met her the day before. Who thinks of telling your star witness it might not be a bad idea to remember party affiliations? No biggie. Everything would come to light with camera footage showing ballot counters whisking away “containers” — what Fox News commentators Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson called “very suspicious.”

Actually, those containers were the standard ones used to move ballots from one location to another. They didn’t say “Official containers used to move ballots from one location to another.” So, on point of detail, Hannity and Carlson were right. Anything without a label is suspicious.

Investigative journalism is clear on this point.

It’s also clear nobody spent much time investigating Mellissa Carone. Before testifying, and treating Representative Johnson like “he’s a Chick-fil-A employee and the milkshake machine just went out,” (Ryan J. Reilly) she was charged with obsenity for sending nudie pictures to a lover’s ex girlfriend.

Rudy didn’t know — neither did Carlson or Hannity.

Investigative journalism might’ve helped here as well.

Again, no biggie. She was committed to the cause, even providing an affidavit. “I signed something that said I could go to prison,” she told Representative Steve Johnson. “Did you?”

No doubt, Mellissa will be parodied on SNL, possibly more than Sarah Palin (same glasses and compelling undo).

As star witnesses go, Mellissa took her testimony more seriously than most. You couldn’t shush her, and her interruptions reminded many of Cecily Strong on SNL doing “The girl you wish you hadn’t started a conversation with at a party.” No doubt, Mellissa will be parodied on SNL, possibly more than Sarah Palin (same glasses and compelling updo).

If Republicans on the Michigan Oversight Committee had stopped there, maybe SNL would’ve limited Mellissa to a one-skit opener. But Giuliani, and sidekick, Jenna Ellis, trotted out another star witness. Again, a Republican poll watcher at the TCF Center in Detroit. She claimed voter ID was necessary because all Chinese look alike. During the course of her testimony, she actually called them “Chows.” “It’s shocking,” she said.

No word from Hannity or Carlson on that one. They were too busy shoring up what they considered incontrovertible evidence. When it stops being incontrovertible — or even reliable — Carlson tends to fall back on “kinda weird,” and Hannity blows out his cheeks like a gibbon.

To put this in context, I’m reminded of an incident told to me by a musician friend of mine. During his days playing county fairs and ribfests, he was once asked, “Can you hold off until after the pig races?” You might say Trump is delaying the end of his presidency for the same reason.

The pigs have to run. Forget over forty cases being thrown out of court (often with stiff reprimands). In the tribal setting of Republican malfeasance, it’s called due process. And, like any ribfest, nothing happens without first paying tribute to the hogs.

Cue Carlson saying, “kinda weird,” and Hannity blowing out his gibbon cheeks.

Maybe a song with a hog theme should’ve been played. There are a few, notably George Harrison’s “Piggies.” That would certainly get the hogs running and Republicans standing with their fists in the air. It’s all very Orwellian, with “Have you seen those bigger piggies,” echoing across the stands. Cue Carlson saying, “kinda weird,” and Hannity blowing out his gibbon cheeks.

It’s hard to know if this song is danceable or not. Most rock bands — with the exception of The Village People — have told Trump to cease and desist playing their songs. Maybe they can get “Piggies” for the right price. Money’s never a problem with Trump. That’s why the country’s 3.3 trillion in debt.

And all those people telling Trump to give up—why give up? Many legal avenues are still open. Some are more far-fetched and deporable than others but, dammit, what’s the point of having all those Republican Supreme Court Judges if they’re not going to pass far-fetched stuff when asked?

If they aren’t ready to play ball, at least Trump can rely on his billionaire friends, all still ready to pony up more IPACS—as long as he sticks around and keeps the Democrats from taxing their offshore accounts. They’re at $250 million now, a sizeable amount, but can it last? Nobody backs a loser president, any more than they back a lame pig.

Some believe Trump is still a big cheese in Pig Land, but worst-case scenarios can’t be ignored. The day he leaves the White House, every lawyer in the District of Columbia will be aiming for his snout. Trump’s a big’un, with plenty of meat on the bone. He’s an odds-on-favourite to squeal all the way to the Big House, an interesting prospect if you’re Trump, and expecting to spend your remaining years on the links at Mar-a-Lago with a few “pardoned” friends.

It’s all a little too reminiscent of the ribfests and county fairs. As my musician friend said, “How do you expect those things to compete in an open race, then eat them?” It seems contrary to any rule of fairness, but we’re past all fairness at this point. Republicans, in particular, know it’s time to fry something up, especially if you expect Trump loyalists to swallow the testimony of two women who still think they “killed it” at the Michigan Oversight Committee.

Republicans are known for their sincere, unshakeable loyalty, even when star witnesses turn out to be star cranks with more attitude than a pro wrestler during a“Royal Rumble.”

Perhaps they did kill it. Republicans are known for their sincere, unshakeable loyalty, even when star witnesses turn out to be freaks.Let’s not be too hard on those women, though. They were at the polling booths 27 hours (at least, that’s what Mellissa Carone claims).

Anyone can start hallucinating, possibly seeing George Washington and Rasputin the same night. Other poll watchers saw equally strange things. One woman said, “Black Lives Matter people were wearing rhinestones.” This was very disturbing for her. Another found the “room too warm.”

So are pigs when the race ends up at a flaming barbecue grill.

Well, as piggies and polls go, it was a race like no other, and we’ll remember the runners—Mellissa Carone in particular. Without her, we could’ve walked away from this election with few regrets. Now we have SNL and Jimmy Kimmel, and God knows who else, all reflecting on America through Mellissa’s testimony. Sure, it was blustery. So are pigs when the race ends up at a flaming barbecue grill.

It’s America. You have to expect this sort of thing.

Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist, and former advertising copywriter. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.

Gain Access to Expert View — Subscribe to DDI Intel