Safety is an Illusion: White Supremacy, Sober Discernment, and Cultivating New Ways of Being
By: Erin Monahan
Tags: Feminism, White Supremacy, Racial Justice, White Feminism, Election 2020

Election season is here in the so-called United States. Maybe you’re feeling depressed, anxious, numb, irritable. Maybe you’re feeling fine. I encourage you to feel all of your feelings. Whatever you’re feeling is completely valid.

We know that this is nothing new, but on top of police brutality being at an all-time high, white supremacy bringing us a global pandemic, massive, sweeping, untamed wildfires leaving thousands of lives lost and upended, November is the culmination of an intensity that’s been building.

Once again, my fellow white women are leading in votes for Trump next only to white men. EbonyJanice Moore, a womanist, scholar, author, and activist says in a video on Instagram, “I don’t want to see no marching. You have organized your last march, your last protest. The only place you need to be marching is to your momma’s house to ask her, ‘girl, what are you doing?’”

From 2013–2019 I lived in Portland, Oregon. I grew up in a suburb of St. Louis, Missouri, and last September I moved back. Towards the end of my time in Portland, I had been getting the message that I needed to do my work at home. I’ve reflected on what made me move to Portland, and realized through listening to Black and Brown activists and educators discussing the gentrification of cities, I had done so out of white comfort and the desire to be in a “liberal bubble.”

I had also read this essay and related very much to the author. It pretty much sealed the deal for me. Everything was telling me to move home to the Midwest. There was internal healing to do in order for me to really do the work I was meant to do, and for me, that healing could only be done by returning to where I grew up.

The author of that essay is a cis, white woman like myself who also spent a long time living in Portland, Oregon. We seemed to have both moved there for similar reasons. I moved to Portland in 2013 because I had heard about it being an artsy, liberal oasis. At the time my awareness wasn’t where it is now and I thought “liberal” was the pinnacle of morality and righteousness, but now I know better — that there’s no difference between liberals or conservatives, just different flavors of white supremacy.

In the essay, the author describes that after some time she began to notice how her life felt unmoored and meaningless despite living there for 10 years. So, she decided to move to a small town, Fergus Falls, MN, her grandmother’s hometown.

The author writes, “I was a little naïve, but I also felt gleefully rebellious. My move felt like a sort of protest against the idea that creative young people need to live in coastal cities. I pictured myself taking dreamy walks on the prairie, or cozied up in cafes during blizzards, writing. I thought I would learn gardening and canning, or how to clean freshly caught fish.”

There is a big gaping hole, a glaring problem within this story. The glaring problem being that whiteness is never discussed explicitly, and yet it is the main subject of the entire essay. That this is what feels rebellious to us white women is cringeworthy to say the least, but I admit that I’ve often thought of myself as rebelling against “the man” when really I was just doing what any white woman has the freedom to do in our society. The fact that this author and myself are able to easily and painlessly pack up and move wherever we want, whenever we want, despite any debt we have, is a product of white supremacy.

My choice to move home was informed by the fact that I knew I would, for the most part, be safe. I would be uncomfortable at times, because it’s not like my relationship with my family is roses, but I would ultimately be protected and supported by them. And all of this is inextricably linked to the fact that I’m a cishet white woman. My choice and ability to do this is not an option for many people, especially Black, queer, and trans folks.

I found this piece as I was doing some research where the author highlights this very reality. I was very clear that moving home wasn’t going to be idyllic. But I felt a responsibility to move back to the place where I had the most connections in order to do my work within the circles I have access to. This was the most strategic choice for me as I thought about how I could have the biggest impact in dismantling systems of oppression as a white woman.

Sometimes it’s the identities we run away from that we need to heal most, as painful as it can be. Reclaiming our agency starts with healing our relationship with our past, our lineage, our ancestors, and for me that meant returning to the place I’ve had the privilege of calling “home.”

Again, I’m aware that this is a huge privilege that many don’t have the luxury of doing. I’m not encouraging anyone to move home if it’s dangerous for them.

Lama Rod Owens, a teacher, author, and activist shared recently on a video on Instagram a message in the same vein, “So, again if you have something to say [about the south] move your ass down there and organize. You know, I love all of you I want you to be free and happy, you know at some point, you just have to stop fucking complaining and just do something, just do something. And just choose to let go of this privilege of being comfortable and being surrounded by everything you want and need and go into the places that need you. Go back to places that you can organize and influence that I can’t do that, or any other Black or Brown queer and trans person can do, right?”

This has me thinking about the countless times Black and Brown leaders, activists, organizers, and educators have discussed how liberal havens like Portland, Oregon have extremely racist origins just like any other town or city in this country. The persistent, yet false narrative of the southern states being racist and the northern states being open, understanding, and moral is a lie. One of my favorite podcasts, Seeing White by Scene on Radio goes in-depth about this false binary of the south vs. the north.

There’s nothing wrong with moving back to a place that you’re more connected to, albeit a complicated and heavy topic due to ongoing colonization and our role as white people in perpetuating systems of oppression on this stolen land. There’s also nothing *wrong* with moving to a city if it’s calling your name. As a reminder, the binary of “right/wrong” and “good/bad” doesn’t exist, right?

For white people reading this: I can’t really tell you where to live, or what’s the “right” or “wrong” thing to do. What I can offer is that we need to grow our mindfulness, consciousness, and discernment about our choices. We need to realize that we are truly more powerful than we think — this is a message particularly to my fellow white women reading this. We hold great power in this white supremacist system and we collude with whiteness when we don’t acknowledge and account for it.

When we try to convince ourselves and others we’re powerless, when we shrink ourselves, we’re shirking our responsibility to confront white supremacist patriarchy because we’re in closest proximity to the embodiment of these systems of power: white men. And I believe that reclaiming our agency from the ways that we give it away (to systems, to society, to men) is vital to breaking from white solidarity and dismantling it.

We’re giving our agency away to men and the system of patriarchy, and then we throw up our hands and feel like “woe, is me, there’s nothing I can do.” For a long time I indulged myself in a “woe is me” kind of thinking when I was younger. I let the world happen to me, instead of activating my agency and co-creating with the universe. I didn’t know how to be another way, but I know better now. And when you know better you have a responsibility to do better.

This is for everyone reading: Reclaiming your agency allows you to deepen your discernment, which is crucial for making choices that are best for you, the collective, and the planet. Whether you’re trying to make a decision on where to live, what programs/coach to invest in on your entrepreneurial journey, or who/what to give your time and energy toward, reclaiming your agency and deepening your discernment will allow you to make aligned choices.

Right now, as Bracha Goldsmith tells us, we’re going through storms, literally and metaphorically. It’s about how we navigate these storms, as well as the choices we make while we go through the storms. Uranus is square Saturn. Uranus is trying to push forward and Saturn is about boundaries, limitations. Saturn is trying to hold us back. Uranus is about looking at the possibilities, thinking in new, innovative ways, noticing and being aware of what we might’ve missed, examining what we’ve been doing the same way again and again and yet, it’s not serving us.

This astrological set-up is pushing us up and out of our comfort zones, of where we’ve grown too comfortable, and as white people this is very relevant.

Are we holding onto Saturn energy by focusing on, obsessing over, and allowing our minds to run repeat on all of our problems? Or, are we going to choose to be proactive, and inquire about the possibilities, what are our options, how can we shift, what can we do differently? How can we shake ourselves outside of our comfort zones and show up in our fullest truth?

What might you be resisting right now? How can you get curious about that feeling or experience? Everything we focus on gets magnified, and especially now that Jupiter is conjunct Pluto from November 6th to the 19th. Bracha Goldsmith explains that Pluto is about our power, strength, and also our resistance. Jupiter is going to magnify whatever we have going on.

It’s important to note how we’re responding to our circumstances. We may be feeling held back, frustrated, and we may be experiencing an anger towards authority, rules, and power structures that we sense are getting in our way. When we interact with folks in everyday life, if we come across an obstacle, how can we move through these feelings with gentleness on our nervous systems, as well as gentleness to those who are not at fault for the rules being the way they are?

During these times it’s easy to get angry and want to point fingers, find someone to blame. We need to grow our capacity to feel our feelings, mad, sad, angry, anxious, fearful, etc., so we can work with the energy instead of against it.

Uranus is shaking things up. Old orders and systems are being overturned even if it doesn’t seem like it. There are tremors shaking underneath the supports and structure of white supremacist patriarchy, and yet, as white women we hold our grip firmer as the polls show that we’ve once again voted for Trump in droves.

In the ever-changing circumstances of life, how are you going to remain flexible, yet rooted? How are you going to embody your truth and purpose? What are you here to do? How can you shift out of the limits you’ve subconsciously set for yourself, and expand into possibilities? How can you be innovative with your structures and routines, and show those around you new ways of being?

The thing about getting outside of your comfort zone is that it’s not safe, is it? But that’s the risk we take. In order to live by our values, integrity, and what we sense to be right, we risk our safety, understanding through and through that any kind of safety we’ve experienced has been ultimately an illusion.

In her essay, Cinderella’s Stepsisters, Toni Morrison writes about the ways in which we wield our power as women, and she describes how we can be very violent towards each other. Morrison warns us that with economic and social status comes the power to decide who’s life is dispensable and who’s life is indispensable. The prolific writer encourages us to refrain from prioritizing our self-fulfillment and safety at the expense of our stepsisters’.

“And I want to discourage you from choosing anything or making any decision simply because it is safe. Things of value seldom are. It is not safe to have a child. That is an extremely risky enterprise. It is not safe to want to be the best at what you do. It is not safe to challenge the status quo. It is not safe to choose work that has not been done before. Or to do old work in a new way. There will always be someone there to stop you. None of the things of real value are simply safe. That is the mistake the stepsisters made; they wanted to wield their power, fulfill their needs in order to be safe.” — Toni Morrison

So, what could our rebellion look like today? How can we do old work in a new way? How can we challenge the status quo in ways we haven’t thought of before? Maybe in ways that won’t make headlines, or be Instagrammable, but meaningful and impactful nonetheless.