What You Should Know About Sapphic Sex
By: The Sex, Secrets Column
Tags: Sexuality, Relationships, Self, Advice, LGBTQ

1. Sapphic sex can include more than just oral sex.

When I first came out to my friends and shared my sexual experience with a woman, many asked me one question: “What counts as lesbian sex?” New to the sapphic community, I replied something like, “I guess oral sex, and sometimes fingering.”

However, now that I’ve been with a woman for almost two years, I’ve realized that lesbian sex can include many more acts, including clitoral play, my favorite. I learned that my view of lesbian or sapphic sex was heteronormative and, in that, somewhat offensive and definitely limited. Sex doesn’t only mean penetration or “p-in-v” sex.

2. For me, sapphic sex physically feels better than heterosexual sex.

For most of my life, I thought I was straight. For a few years I was bi-curious, and for a few years I knew I’m bisexual. In other words, all of that time I knew at least part of me is into men, and I believed sex with men was safer in the sense that I wouldn’t experience any homophobic judgment. I hooked up with several guys in college, mostly during my first and second year, and had a variety of experiences. I thought I loved it, and looking back, it wasn’t bad, per se — but sapphic sex simply feels so much better to me.

My girlfriend automatically knows me sexually much quicker than those guys did; she knows how to find my clit, how to play with my clit, and that clitoral play feels better than penetration for 75 percent of women, including me. After having sex with her, I realized what an orgasm caused by another person actually feels like. I wish I dove into sapphic sex and sapphic relationships sooner since I love them so much.

3. It’s okay to not enjoy penetrative acts.

My hookups with men entailed a lot of penetration. But then, after experiencing sexual assault and feeling nervous about penetration, having anything inside me hurt and felt less pleasurable. I sometimes worry that I have vaginismus.

I also learned I orgasm much easier from clitoral stimulation than penetration, so I don’t want my girlfriend to go inside me very often. Part of me did (and sometimes still does) feel guilty about this. I want my girlfriend to have the full range of sexual experiences with me, and I want to enjoy penetration to some degree like I feel so many other women do.

But, especially with the help of my girlfriend’s affirmations, I’ve learned it’s completely okay to not want a certain sexual act, especially if it hurts. She wants me to feel good and would never hurt me. Plus, we’re still able to have fun sexually without her going inside me. If you also struggle with vaginismus or don’t like penetration, remember that that’s okay and doesn’t make you any less of a fun person to have sex with!

If you’ve experienced sexual assault and need support, here are some resources.

4. Sapphic sex can be more emotionally comfortable than heterosexual sex.

When I hooked up with guys in college, I struggled with several insecurities. I worried they’d judge how I groomed “down there,” how wet I got, or how I tasted. I figured those worries were normal enough, especially during my first experiences, and that I was just hooking up with a man who wasn’t as polite as he probably should’ve been.

After having sex several times with a woman, though, I realized that sapphic sex is usually automatically much more comfortable for me in those ways because I know women typically better understand the biological female body. For example, vulvas aren’t supposed to taste like fruit or flowers and they can get wet for reasons other than being turned on. In addition, while my girlfriend understands those truths better than guys because she’s a woman, she’s also been nicer to me about it. I wish I realized and had this experience sooner so I could feel more at ease, more pleasured, and less ashamed.

5. Sex can be more enjoyable when you give to your partner first.

For whatever reason, most of my sexual experiences with my girlfriend entailed her giving first. This was fine by me; I thought I didn’t really care about the order.

However, I recently realized how wet eating her out makes me, and how much better-receiving sex feels when I’m that wet. As a result, I started to eat her out before she touched or ate me out. While we don’t feel like we have to go in that order every time, I’ve learned three things: how much I like it, how she enjoys feeling how wet I became, and that order can play a role in how sex feels.

6. Don’t forget to experiment because it can bring extra pleasure.

My girlfriend is one of two women I’ve done anything with sexually, and she’s the one of the two I’ve gone the furthest with. Because of that, and especially in the beginning, I felt insecure about my ability to “be good at sex” when I gave to her. I was more timid and less active, and I usually kept it pretty “vanilla” because that felt more comfortable.

Once we’d been having sex for a while, though, she suggested experimenting with anal play and talking dirty, among other things. While I was nervous and unsure at first, I eventually became increasingly comfortable with it, even beginning to enjoy it and ask for it myself. I’m grateful for my girlfriend’s suggestions so we can now enjoy extra pleasurable sex.