I’m Sure He’s Great, but I’m Not Interested
By: Marianna Zelichenko
Tags: Dating, Romance, Boundaries, Nonmonogamy, Polyamory

I’m Sure He’s Great, but I’m Not Interested

I’m still polyamorous, but right now I’m enjoying my life just the way it is

Photo by Radu Florin on Unsplash

One thing I miss about monogamy: people not asking me why I’m not dating.

For five years I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with Dan (as usual — not his real name), and though occasionally I got the question why we were together, I never got the question why I wasn’t dating other people. Which makes sense, because… well, in monogamy you don’t date other people.

Unfortunately, things changed when I chose polyamory and my relationship with James. All of a sudden it’s like I got this label “available” (“easy?”) on my forehead. Guys would start asking me out, sometimes making the most inappropriate suggestions (my car mechanic once asked if instead of me paying him he could take me out on a date… which would have been sweet if he didn’t have a pregnant wife back home who was definitely not into polyamory, as he himself told me). My friends would try to set me up with their friends who were ‘absolutely perfect’ for me (which usually only meant they were also polyamorous). And in the periods of time I’m only dating James, people either question the fact I’m polyamorous or suggest I date more people.

I know they mean it well. I know they’re concerned I’m not being taken advantage of. But it’s getting a bit tiresome.

So this article is in honor of all of you who are fed up with being pushed to date, whether you’re polyamorous like me or monogamous but single.

My life is more than just my relationships

Everyone who thinks I should start dating others than James is missing something: I already am. I’m dating myself (yes, I actually schedule self-date nights where I take care of whatever I want most in that moment, ranging from having a good cry to a delicious meal to awesome sex). I’m also ‘dating’ my business. My friends. My improv theater group. And so on.

Relationships are just a part of my life, and not the central part of it, either. I love James. But I also love the fact that I’m helping people get clear on new paths in their lives. I love all those people I’ve grown to love over the years and the ones I’ve met in the last few years as I was enjoying van life. Heck, sometimes I love curling up on the couch with our cat and the latest urban fantasy novel.

Actively dating again would means I’d have to give up a part of my schedule to start meeting new people.

So what would it mean if I’d start dating again? It means I’d have to give up a part of my schedule to start meeting new people. It’s a simple trade-off, unless someone is willing to add some extra hours to my good old 24-hour days.

I’m sure for some people this trade-off makes sense. It makes sense if you’ve got spare time or you don’t enjoy your life. Or if for some reason you’re really desperate for a relationship (maybe you want to start a family and you feel the clock ticking).

As it is, for me dating feels like I’d be willingly sacrificing things I already enjoy and care about for the mere possibility of having a good time with someone. And honestly? That doesn’t seem very attractive.

But doesn’t that make me monogamous?

Okay, so I’ve got one relationship and that’s with James. Fair, that’s my choice. But doesn’t that make me monogamous?

No, it doesn’t. The thing is — I still very much subscribe to the idea that James should feel free to explore feelings of love that arise with others than myself. I also subscribe to the idea that I should feel free to explore those feelings when they arise with someone other than James. All I’m saying is I’m not going to actively start looking for those feelings to arise.

Would you say monogamous people stop being monogamous just because they’re single? Of course not, that doesn’t make any sense!

If that doesn’t make sense to you — take a look at monogamy. Would you say monogamous people stop being monogamous just because they’re single? Of course not, that doesn’t make any sense! The choice for monogamy or polyamory is not about the simultaneous amount of relationships you’re currently in, it’s about the amount of relationships you’re willing to be in.

But how can I explore feelings if I’m not dating?

Okay, so there’s dating and then there’s dating.

The type of dating I hate is where I actively go and seek out someone with the intention of things getting romantic or sexual. I’ve tried Tinder and OKCupid and though it works for most people around me (many of my friends found their loves there, including Annie, James’ other partner) I never got much out of it. In the worst case scenario I’d look for the first possibility to leave, in the best case I’d have a fun enough evening that still wouldn’t be nearly as fun as the evenings I have with my friends.

There’s also a different type of dating. It’s the type of dating where I accidentally meet someone I really enjoy hanging out with, so we meet up more often. Sometimes, sparks are flying, sometimes we just have a good time. Sometimes it gradually (or not so gradually) builds to something more. Sometimes a feeling that arises isn’t mutual and the whole thing eventually becomes a friendship.

I don’t *need* multiple relationships to feel happy.

I’m all up for that type of dating. I love amazing people and if I meet someone and feel attracted to them — YES, let’s hang out and do something fun and see where it goes!

But attraction and mutual enjoyment have to come first. Only then am I willing to invest some of my time in dedicated dating time. Only then is it possibly worth sacrificing something else for.

Unfortunately, 2020 has been a bit low on activities, with Covid and everything. So I haven’t been meeting many new people. And that’s okay, because — as I said before — I don’t *need* multiple relationships to feel happy.

When I’ll want to date others, I’ll let you know

And a few parting words…

I’m 31, close to 32 (hmpf, time flies). I’m a grown-ass woman. You may be surprised but if I’d want to date more people I would… date more people.

I do appreciate the concern for my wellbeing, I know there are many (men and women alike) who deny their desires for the sake of their current partner. It’s always good to check…

But for a lot of us, poly folks just dating one person and mono folks dating no one… we’re just perfectly happy with our dating lives the way they are.

Sure, do introduce us to your friend if you think we’d have a blast hanging out together. But please don’t try to fill any voids (figurative or literal 😉) that aren’t there.