Is My Deep Dark Fantasy More Myth Than Reality?
By: Nicole Mackenna
Tags: Sexuality, Self, Pornography, Relationships, Culture

At the time, it was just too much for me to speak my mind and start the conversation. Too much of a confession. It was too “weird” of a thing for me to mention, so I settled for sitting there next to him while he slept and fantasizing about it all by myself.

“How do you even breach the subject without sounding like you’re suggesting your partner isn’t enough,” I wondered at the time. I had to settle for watching it and fantasizing about it for the time being.

My mind began to wander. I closed my eyes and envisioned myself in her place, surrounded by beautiful hunks of men who were each salivating and ready to indulge in unbridled sex with me. I wanted them to want my body.

I wanted it to be me they were staring at like that. Like I was the most beautiful woman they’d ever seen, so enamored by me and overtaken by the carnality of the moment that they set aside whatever insecurities they’d had to satiate their desires.

Am I really that greedy? Of course, I am!

Ideally, the men in my fantasy would be men who were quite like me. I wouldn’t want men who spent their time looking to orchestrate something like this, but men who found themselves playing a fun game of poker with me or something when, suddenly, desire overcame us all and everything just flowed organically.

I wanted so badly to touch myself. But I couldn’t. He was right there. And I didn’t want to ruin the moment. That made it all even more arousing. I had to wait. When it comes to sex, I don’t like being told to wait — but I love being told to wait — if you know what I mean.

Opening my eyes, I stared back at my screen. The woman was bent over before the lucky fellow who was positioned behind her. She grasped a man in each hand while she gave oral sex to another. I know porn is fake, but she really seemed to be enjoying herself. It seemed like an ecstatic moment for her. I know it would’ve been if it were me in her situation. My eyes returned to closed while I imagined myself doing this now. It seemed so hot.

But at the same time, it seemed so remote. Could this ever really happen to me? I began to wonder. I watched and imagined until I couldn’t take it anymore and then I shut off my screen and went to sleep.

The next day I’d finally get some time alone and I gave in to my urges to pleasure myself while I fantasized about being in her shoes. Shoes were the only things she was wearing in the video, after all.

I felt so in touch with myself and I mean that both ways. I felt connected with myself in a new way as I stopped and imagined how it would feel to stare up and into the eyes of all those men, peering down at me with nervous grins, fumbling around with their hands, and unsure how to treat me.

I imagined how this would all play out. How I’d love to go down on them all. How I’d love to be so bad and misbehaved that I could have casual sex with several men back-to-back and bathe in the overwhelming pleasure of one another’s bodies. Share the love, people. I want to be the star of the show, but let’s make sure everybody has a good time, okay?

My masturbation was so unbelievably satisfying that night. I climaxed like never before. I shook and moaned. I felt possessed even though I was all by myself. It wasn’t an act. It was the release I deserved.

I would go on to have this same fantasy repeatedly over the years. No matter who I was dating or sleeping with at the time, it would always be a fantasy I had by myself. I never talked to anyone about it.

I mean, threesomes are one thing, that’s commonplace, but this? This is totally different. I feel so greedy.

I feel like it’s so off-limits, so taboo. And it’s not that I haven’t tried to bring it up before. I have. It’s something I get so nervous thinking about discussing with someone else, I can’t even begin to speak of it.

I try to work up the courage and fail. And then I’m hit with a dose of reality. How hard would something like this be to pull off? I imagine it’d be easy if you’re a porn actress, but does it really happen outside of porn? And would I enjoy it? Or is this one of those kinds of fantasies that I hear about all the time that are better left a fantasy than real experience?

I wonder. But you know what? I know that I’ve had a great time all by myself throughout the years, pleasuring myself to this untouchable fantasy. And I find the parallels poetic.

Ironic, isn’t it? That a fantasy with many would be something that I can only enjoy all by myself. I can add as many partners as I’d like in my mind, but at the end of the day, it’s a sexual experience I have all alone. It’s my own private sexual world that takes place inside of my mind. It’s a fantasy filled with others, but accessible only by me. It’s my sexuality and I own it. And I’m completely okay with that.

Will my fantasy ever become a reality? I have no idea. I hope so. But I sometimes feel like this will be the way it is for the rest of my life. My own little personal dirty diary of mental fantasies that I share with only myself in detail.

The takeaway I have from all of this (besides the fact that you don’t need anybody else to enjoy your own sexuality), comes in the form of a question. Why is it that we have such a tough time talking about things that are sexual? Why are we so ashamed that we’ve created a world where we watch porn but don’t dare utter a single word about our viewing habits, except on blogs?

Why is it that we have this disconnect? Why can’t we be more mature and just be honest with who we really are in the bedroom?

I understand that not all people should be privy to our sexual lives, but what about our friends and even our lovers? Aren’t they the people who are closest to us? If anyone should understand us enough to have a mature conversation about sex with us, shouldn’t it be them? I think so.

What would it take for us to create a more honest world, one that wasn’t so sex-shy? I wonder. It might make it easier to sort out the fantasy-reality question if sex wasn’t such a minefield of awkward conversations.