I Had to Stop Hating My Body Before I Could Become Healthy
By: Tj Robinson
Tags: Mental Health, Relationships, Living With Purpose, Self, Self-awareness

If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies

I Had to Stop Hating My Body Before I Could Become Healthy

My weight loss journey began at the age of 12. This is my story.

“What is that? It looks like you’re getting a little pooch there.” My mother says, staring at my abdoman as I stand by the door in my riding jodhpurs and sleeveless shirt. “You never had that before.” I’m twelve-years-old, growing up in an abusive home, and it would take the next twenty years for me to overcome the damage inflicted by statements like that from the woman who raised me.

My feeling of absolute hatred toward my body and my battle with body shame began before I can even remember. Contrary to popular opinion, it wasn’t magazines, television, models, or music that contributed to my feelings of fatness and inadequacy. It was my family. My mother always wanted to be a boy, so she never wore pretty things or did her hair or makeup. In itself, this does not constitute a problem. If you’re reading this article, thinking, “I’m a girl, but I don’t want to do my hair and makeup, and I think I’d be happier as a boy.” That is 100% okay and within your right to choose. What’s not okay, is harshly criticizing those who want to do hair and makeup and wear pretty things. I was that little girl who loved dresses and pretty things, makeup and shaved legs, and was made to feel shame for it, was told things like, “Don’t be a stumbling block,” and “Who are you trying to please, anyway? Who are you trying to look good for?” As if there was something inherently flawed in me for wanting to be pretty, simply for the pleasure of being pretty.

At 15, my grandmother asked me, while riding in the car with my cousin, “when are you going to get your boobs?” My immediate thought was, “how am I supposed to know?” I think I mumbled something to the effect of, “hopefully soon.” I hadn’t even started my period yet and was mortified. I was the last of my cousins to “get my boobs,” but I became an expert bra-stuffer. So, there I was at 15, believing, but also having that belief verified by the comments of others, that my body was all wrong.

In her article published in Pychology Today, Peg Streep, author of Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life, says, “If we are body-shamed as young girls — told that we are fat or ungainly, clumsy or awkward, and that our bodies signal to the world who we are — we view our bodies with distrust and feel shame. We may be told that our noses are too big or our bellies not flat enough or that we look just like the relative no one likes. We may even hate our bodies and the way we look, making it easy to hate ourselves in more general ways.

In the middle of summer, I would put on sweatpants and a heavy jacket and go outside to jump rope until I felt I’d sweated enough to purge the fat from my body. I’m going to jump in and tell you that at this time, my pant size was 00. I gradually gained weight, despite my greatest efforts, after hitting puberty at age 16, and grew into a size 3 pant, with a bra size of 32b. I remember my mom getting so mad at me because I always left some food on my plate. I desperately felt I needed to control some aspect of my life, because my parents so strictly tried to control everything. As much as they tried to control though, there was still almost nothing that was ever “right.” I was completely powerless, but my mom wasn’t going to force-feed me, so leaving food was my “control” action. At the time, it would have been impossible to tell me I had an eating disorder. But looking back, disordered eating was a huge part of my adolescence and early adulthood.

It wasn’t until I began my college education in Sports Medicine that I started to see how out of whack my relationship with food and my body really was. I began eating well and running with the track team, but no matter how fit I became, I always had this inexplicable urge to be thinner. I couldn’t help that I had hips and a “nice butt,” but my breasts were still small, and I thought if I could just be thin enough, it would be okay. The loathing I felt for my own skin was so overwhelming that I often had the thought, “I wish I could cut myself out of this body. I hate it.”

Between the hatred and loathing, there was one part of my brain that knew I was wearing clothing sizes most women would kill for. But there was that other side of my brain that told me I could always be thinner. thinner is always better. So, I wore clothes that flattered my figure and enjoyed appreciative looks from those I worked with or passed on the street, but still always felt that I was lacking. Flirting and sex became my validation. If a guy wanted to put enough effort into chasing me, I felt, for a moment, that I was desirable and it became almost like a drug for me.

During this time, from adolescence through young adulthood, my mother never missed an opportunity to pick on the way I dressed, the way I did my hair, the way I wore my makeup, how I did my nails and toes, and on and on. After my father died when I was 20, I rarely visited my mom so that I could avoid the constant criticism, but it wasn’t until I began some serious therapy that I started to understand how deep those scars and coping mechanisms really were. I saw my therapist every week, sometimes twice a week, for nearly 3 years and it was hard.

One of the more difficult things, physically, is the process of healing the body along with the mind. As I began to understand and heal the mental and emotional layers, I began paying close attention to getting a recommended amount of calories, not letting myself go hungry, taking vitamin and mineral supplements — and the pendulum of weight swung to the heavier side. My body was so off balance from the years of abuse I’d put it through, that I had to (and have to) be very patient with myself and not fall back on starvation and exercise to get the weight off. Blood tests revealed severe deficiencies and hormone levels that needed a lot of tuning. It’s a slow, steady process, a journey I want to do right, so I can be here for my husband and our son for a long, long time. Fad diets and trends don’t work. I’m working with a registered dietitian for my food and my husband for the exercise (he’s a pro:).

The work of excavating one’s self to dig out old wounds and lay new foundations for thinking and acting is not easy, nor is it fun in any way, but it is vital. It is worth it in the long run. It’s been 10 years since that first therapy session and I still see my therapist every few months, more just to check-in, share life, and get advice when I need it. I’ve learned a lot about myself, relationships, and coping with stressors and triggers, but I’d like to share three lessons I found most helpful with you today.

1. You cannot control other people.

What you can and should control are your own actions and reactions to other people and how much influence you allow them to have over you. In my case, I had to learn how set up my boundaries and gain the confidence and strength to stand up to my mom. We rarely talk and have virtually no relationship, but that’s the choice she’s made. I made it very clear that if she chooses to treat me as an adult and a peer and respect my boundaries, there is open space for us to work on our relationship. So far, she is unwilling to take any responsibilty and wants to constantly play the victim. I’ve come to peace with the fact that she is who she is and may never change. I will continue to grow and be the best I can be and she will choose the path she wants as well. As a daughter, letting go of the idea of having a mom you can depend on is a hard and heartbreaking thing. However, realizing that person was never someone you could depend on in the first place, coming to terms with, and accepting the fact that she is who she is and may never change, is powerfully freeing. It frees you to move on and live your best life. If that person decides to make changes that make a relationship possible, that’s wonderful! If not, you’re still free to move forward, unshackled from their disapproval.

2. The battlefield is in your mind and you CAN win!

You cannot control the thoughts that float into your head, but you CAN control where they go and what you do with them. When I had my son almost two years ago, I was 180lbs and the weight loss has been slow and painful. Sometimes, when I glance in the mirror, or get my pants out of my drawer, that thought still hits me, “Ugh, I’m so fat.” But I’ve learned to reframe that thought into something positive. “I had a baby. I literally grew another human inside me and I’m healthy. I eat well, I exercise, and I am losing the weight. It’s going slowly, but that’s okay. Everybody’s body responds differently.” Some days, I don’t have any negative thoughts to overcome. Some days, I have hundreds of negative thoughts to overcome, but the more I practice overcoming and not dwelling, the easier it gets.

3. Ditch the idea of perfect. Aim for better.

I used to beat the hell out of myself because I could never be perfect enough to feel good about who I was, my body, my accomplishments, me. I fought suicidal thoughts for years, but once I began to dig deep with some intense, professional help, I gained the tools to fight the compulsive need for perfection. In my previous article, Let’s ditch perfect. Keep it simple and aim for better instead, I talk about ways to reframe your thinking around progress. Working to be a little better today than you were yesterday is so empowering. That shift in mindset releases you from the strain and frustration of striving for perfection and empowers you to truly BECOME the person you want to be.

If you’re reading this and it’s resonating with you, if you’ve been in my shoes, or are walking in those shoes right now, I want to give you a great big hug and say you’re going to be okay. You can have the life you want, and you can be the happy, whole, healthy person you want to be. It takes work and it takes the courage to get some help where you need it, but it’s definitely doable.

Thanks for taking the time to read and I wish you every health and happiness!

If you want to read more about daily habits that can change your life and how to restructure your thinking, check out these articles.

2. Why do you seek change? Answering these 5 questions will improve your success

3. Let’s Ditch Perfect. Keep it Simple Instead and Aim for Better

4. Toxic: 17 Relationship signs that are easy to gloss over