Why am I feeling down all the time?
By: Irina Daria Moisan
Tags: Personal, Teens, High School, Trust Issues, Sadness

I’m sure that I’m not the only one who had ups and downs along the time, but why this condition keeps going on? Is it me or it’s just life being unfair? Those questions have multiple answers, and none of them is better than the other.

Any goal I reached, the sadder I became. One night I stayed awake and thought about this and I realised that the reason behind this never-ending story is hiding plenty of trauma. Not even success made it easier and usually that's good medicine for sadness, well at least in my case it was.

I got into my dream high school, the high school that my parents wanted because of its recognition of being the best, also the most serious one, in the county. I knew my life will become harder and harder by going there, but I can say that I was good at school. Still, there would appear someone that gets better grades at competitions and stuff like that… It killed me. There was a time when I thought that I don’t stand a chance at college because of them, it didn't matter that I was successful myself in many domains, it mattered that I had a lower score than my classmate at that contest, the difference being usually even a point, that point made me go crazy.

I was and I still am a perfectionist, but I can say that this habit was contoured back in pre high school. I was always picked up by classmates ad even bigger kids because I was getting good grades, but I survived their comments. I knew that once I was perfect I would be good, finally, everybody will accept me. And they did so that I will do their homework. Because social acceptance is very important ages, I did what they asked me for, and things were good for a period of time until I got very tired and I would start to make mistakes. Then it started going down again. I realised at a very young age that people will never get real use of me and they will never like me if they don't have a reason to do so, like homework or a test. Being a kid and thinking this lead to this state.

It doesn't matter that I grew up and now I understand things differently, some things never change, like my need for everything to be perfect, or the anxiety that evolved with time. At the very beginning, I said that completing goals, even if it was making my bed or getting 100% at an important exam, didn’t make a difference at all. Life seems just pointless at this point, but I know I can’t give up. Feelings are passing things, even that trauma remains. Life is a challenge and people we meet on the way are meant to frag you down, and a thing that I learned until now is that nobody is truly your friend, there is always a need that lead them on.

It’s better to not expect much from people because this will ruin your trust in them.

When I’m writing this, it’s 4 a.m. on the third day of Christmas. It’s funny how such a joyful holiday can bring the worse in people.

This Christmas isn’t as lovely as other ones, but this one will remain in history because of the pandemic. I can’t wait to tell to my kids how I felt on these times, to tell them about this existential trauma I was and I still am going through.

Someone was always saying ‘Not a bad life, just a bad day.’. I never believed him because it felt like life was the bad one and happy days were rare things.

But as I said before, feelings are temporary and I hope by the new eve I will enjoy these times.