What if my Kid is Gay?
By: Levi Jones
Tags: Parenting, Dads, Gay, Kids, Parents

{Photo by Stanley Dai on Unsplash}

My four year old is obsessed with sticking his fingers in butt cracks. Actually, he seems flat out obsessed with it. Furthermore, he will put his face right into my crack and inhale. Full disclosure — I do have pants and boxers on when he decides to get a taste, but I’m a little worried. This doesn’t seem like common practice for a four year old. Also, every joke begins and ends with the words butt crack. Which is hilarious! My kinda humor. I’m so proud of him….

Maybe this is a phase. However, we’ve raised two other kids and I don’t recall this being a “thing.” My middle child carried around purses for a few years. I had my concerns about that, but I was proud of his ability to accessorize at such a young age. Yeah, I’m sure it’s a phase. If not, maybe down the line he could be a Gastroenterologist. He could play with dude-ass all day. Or, he could be gay; which is fine. I just want to be prepared. Although, I’m not sure how to handle the father and son gay sex talk.

Sex Talk

Do you have to bring in a gay friend to have that talk? Can a heterosexual father have a “gay talk” with his son? I don’t have a history of same sex relationships. I wouldn’t qualify as an expert or someone to confide in. Can we hire a gay man to have the “talk?” Matt Foley, Motivational Gay Speaker (Chris Farley — if he was gay).

My dad and I never had the “sex talk.” It should’ve been easy for him to strike up a conversation since we both love vagina. Instead, he avoided it. Will I feel pressure to have, “the talk,” if my kid’s gay? Would it be better to avoid “the talk” altogether? Avoiding it would make life easier that’s for sure. Again, I don’t know what it’s like to be gay. I swear….I have absolutely no idea what it’s like. Not even a little bit. Unless a man-crush on George Clooney counts?

Gay Relationships

Will it be difficult growing up as a left-handed gay boy in the 2020s? Probably….Especially with social media exploding all over us. I wonder if there will be pressure to conceal his sexuality. Maybe things will change over the next decade; he can come out at a young age; and his peers will be more accepting. I could see straight friends helping him get gay dates. It will be a blast for all!!!!

At least he won’t have the same issue I had “chasing the muff around”

(Dazed & Confused) high school. Actually, maybe he will. It’s probably the same heartbreaking experience when you’re chasing dick around. You’re so caught up in your own world; like it’s the biggest thing that will ever happen to you. And it’s only high school! Little does he know what’s coming down the pike: work; marriage; divorce; kids; traffic; STD’s; alcoholism; drug abuse; foreclosures; death; Ben Affleck movies; Black Friday shopping; obesity; catheters; The Clone Wars; not in that order.

Final Gay Thought

Anyway, maybe I have too much time on my hands to think about my kid’s future. Him being gay is not on my Top Ten list of worries. My main worry is keeping him out of my butt crack. Which is an everyday battle….

The Great Ones Adjust….from the beautiful mind of Levi Jones

A Blog for the Common Man, or Woman, but Mainly Man….