The Kindness Habit
By: Elise Paxson
Tags: Compassion, Habits, Caring, Kindess, Social Change

We are called to live a life of caring and compassion.

From The New Testament of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, published 1713.

Yesterday, driving home from an errand, husband and I noticed something odd about the car in front of us, about to turn left. The trunk was wide open, empty except for a pile of dry cleaning. And, as predicted by that pesky Third Law of Thermodynamics, the leftward motion sent several of the plastic-covered clothing items flying into the road in front of us.

After exclaiming “What the — !” my husband hit the brakes (no one was behind us), punched the emergency flashers, got out of the car, picked up the clothes, and tossed them in the back seat.

The dry cleaner was located in the strip mall we had just passed, so we turned around, drove back, and returned the items to a surprised and grateful store clerk.

I’m not telling this story to pat ourselves on the back. I’m telling it because it made me think about something.

Where Did the Random Acts Movement Come From?

Humans have always been doing acts of kindness. Note the ancient story of the Good Samaritan and so many other stories, especially in fairy tales, where the greatest rewards are given to those who are kind.

But the “movement” itself — where did that come from?

I always thought it started with Oprah, but a little research shows that the phrase goes back to the early 1980s, from a journalist named Anne Herbert, in her article Handy Tips on How to Behave At the Death of the World. One of her tips was to “practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty.” The rest, as we often say, is history.

Forty Years of Random Acts: Where are We?

The random acts movement has definitely done good. All you have to do is google the phrase and your feed will spill over with wondrous deeds. Diners giving huge tips to astonished servers. Returned wallets. Candy canes spread on car windows during the holiday season. Gift bags to the homeless.

These are all wonderful things. But now I am thinking that perhaps some re-framing is needed.

We need to “kick it up a notch” as Chef Emeril would say.

Kindness Should Not Be Random

As an American, I have lived the past 4 years in a political nightmare scenario. Every day I am further appalled by the hypocrisy, mean-ness, spite, selfishness, hatred, violence, intolerance, and lack of empathy and compassion among our leadership and too many of my fellow citizens. The pandemic has made things a hundred times worse. Day upon day, we are beaten down. The cost to our nation’s mental health has been devastating.

Just Because We Aren’t Perfect, Doesn’t Mean We Can’t Try

I’ve had my moments. Especially on social media. I have said some awful things to people I’ve disagreed with. In the real world, I find that I am less tolerant and more quick to anger. I am so often ashamed of my behavior this year.

But I’m trying to do better. I refuse to give up on myself.

The Kindness Habit

It’s time for us to stop thinking of kindness as something we do when we feel like it. Spreading candy canes on windshields is wonderful. Keep doing that! But how can we make kindness something that is part of our very inner being? How about doing a random act every month? Candy canes in December, carnations on Mother’s Day, something like that.

Sometimes you have to be kind even when it’s inconvenient. Yesterday when husband and I saw that pile of clothes fly out of that trunk, we didn’t want to stop, but we did, without questioning. It’s what people who wish to be kind will do.

When we pass a stray dog or cat, we will do what we can to rescue it. If we are late to that party or appointment, “oh well!”

We give a minimum 18% tip to servers, always, even if we’re just doing take-out. I’ve heard of some people who go up to 50%. We donate monthly to our local food bank.

That driver who cuts you off — do you really need to respond with anger? What would be a kinder thing to do? (I find this REALLY HARD to carry out.)

We try to pay attention to the world around us, and help where we can. Many times we can’t help. But perhaps you can.

If we flood the world with kindness as a habit, as something we do consciously, where we see progress and its effect on our lives, then maybe, just maybe, together we can heal this injured world.