Horror Show, Inc.
Tags: Work, Humor, Halloween, The Snickering Skull, Satire

Horror Show, Inc.

a review of costumes at my halloween office party

Gross Bob Ross (zero stars)

Alan’s attempt at portraying the world’s most beloved squirrel nuzzler and happy cloud wrangler was pathetic!

Clearly Alan tried saving a buck by scavenging costume accessories from picked over yard sales and Goodwill dumpsters.

His faux beard and mustache was basically Spanish moss applied with a preschool glue stick which explained the stringy texture of the guacamole.

The signature bush-perm was matted in the back, smelt of fertilizer and featured a severe crease down the middle indicating a failed attempt at topiary grooming.

Alan’s appearance was an abomination and disgrace to the legacy of a soulful painter.

And I still remain critical after learning he was actually shooting for the cowbell guy from Blue Oyster Cult.

The Scourge of Generation X (zero stars)

Leave it to Bill, the new guy totally obsessed with ’80s hair metal bands, to commit such an affront to the delicate just-lay-low-until-quitting-time Gen-Xers of the office.

Can’t say we weren’t warned: weeks of being assaulted by the screeching and wailing of Ratt, Whitesnake and Cinderella heard spilling from Bill’s iPhone earslugs as he jammed over his sales reports.

Now here stands Bill — big-ass fright wig, platform boots, scary pixie makeup, tight leather — presenting his best rendition of Twisted Sister’s lead singer Dee Snider.

Color me stunned when I witnessed Bill receive the coveted Starbucks giftcard for best costume.

Color me amused when I heard judges thought he came as Bette Midler in Hocus Pocus.

The Rabid Badger (zero stars)

Did you know Carol graduated from the University of Wisconsin?

No? Where the hell you been?

Her cubicle looks like a campus kiosk during freshman orientation: the red, the white, the pennants, the posters, the #1 foam finger, the #5 fist…

the taxidermied badger with eyes that track every time I go to the can.

So it should come as no surprise that Carol arrived at the party decked in a home-knitted team sweater with matching track pants ordered from the UW gift shop.

But the real eye-catcher was how she topped it all off.

That would be Carol’s dye job: jet black do with lightning streak of white.

Yes, we were all thinking the same thing:

Badger, not quite.

Skunk, likely.

Bride of Frankenstein, getting warmer.

Cruella on acid, bingo.

Culturally Inappropriate Inexcusable Nightmare (negative ten stars)

I always thought Nate was a funny guy, but he needs to go.

S.O.B. took it too far.

WAY too far.

Angry murmurs and mutterings at the height of the party finally caught the attention of Jenn in HR.

As workers congregated ‘round the nibbles table, Jenn delicately approached Nate, whispered in his ear and forcefully escorted him like a veteran secret service agent to her office.

PARTY SAVED! GET OUTTA HERE, YA FREAK!

Look — come to the party dressed as a zombie.

Come to the party dressed as Mr. Rogers.

Come to the party dressed as Zombie Mr. Rogers, you just crossed a line with no ticket back.

(The team was sure to thank Jenn for sending Nate home and exorcising the party of his visual filth. We also took time to compliment Jenn on her zombie hooker costume.)

Didn’t Even Try Guy (zero stars)

Um, Larry? What’s up?

When asked “What’s with the mask made from tinfoil?”, Larry responded

“I’m the future.”

When asked “Why the ‘DOWNSIZER 2020’ t-shirt?”, Larry replied again with

“I’m the future.”

Fine, Larry. Don’t tell me.

I think the only future Larry presents is marijuana brownies served in the vending machines.

Stupid Larry.

Backwoods Cannibal Mutant with Mullet (4 stars! )

Finally! A costume worthy of…

wait…

no.

Just an Amazon delivery dude.