What’s BDSM? And the 7 best rules you need to know!
By: Uncensored Kiss
Tags: Sex, BDSM, Kinky, Guides And Tutorials, Sexuality

What’s BDSM? And the 7 best rules you need to know!

What does it mean? Are there rules in the BDSM world? Does it involve pain? What’s a safe word? Let’s discuss it all and more!

Let’s break it down! What does BDSM mean?

B: Bondage

D: Dominance / Discipline

S: Submission / Sadism

M: Masochism

Yes the D/S has always had double meaning, always have, always will.

While BDSM looks risky, everything is consensual and safe when done correctly. It can be done between two people or a group of people.

I’ve had fun in both and either way you look at it, BDSM is a total thrill that just tickles ya pickle.

BDSM is a variety of fetishes that vary in intensity and all are considered a form of BDSM.

There’s a variety of people who partake in this world and there is something for everyone.

What to know:

Dominant:

Someone who dominates a person(s), typically a submissive, this domination can take on many forms. This can be from controlling their day to day life or controlling just their bedroom activities.

What the Dominant does, depends on the type of relationship the dominant has with the submissive, the only limits are the ones that they set prior to the relationship.

I.E. : Daddy Dom’s typically have a fetish and can be very into spanking… Then you have your rope masters who can put you in trance as they contort your body using rope in an arousing fun way.

There really is no ‘one Dom’ fits all, it’s a thrilling world satisfying all involved when done right.

Submissive:

This is somebody who submits and fully respects their Dominant, they do whatever is asked of them, unless they say their safe-word letting their Dominant know that their uncomfortable.

Prior to taking on any D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship, the safe word should be discussed, the limits should be discussed, any contracts desired should be signed.

What’s a contract?

A contract can be drawn up, by anybody, it’s an agreement between the two parties literally agreeing upon everything. They can put their needs in it requesting it be done, and the limits they have and what can and can’t be done.

It gives you a chance to not only say what you need from the relationship on both sides but also what you’d like to try and what you really just aren’t into and compromise to see what would make you both happy.

Switch:

This is a person who enjoys being both the Dominant and Submissive. They can switch to either role and find a thrill in it.

Two switches can be together, it’s all about communication and understanding. Being a switch doesn’t just mean that you go from Dominant to Submissive, it can be that way for any kind of play you choose to indulge in.

Life-stylist:

Somebody who lives in the BDSM life 24/7, the people that typically partake in this are those who are into the Dominant/submissive partnerships.

However, anybody can be a life-stylist, it’s about more than a moment when it comes to being a life-stylist. You never know who has a collar on under their button up shirt.

Kinkster:

Somebody who is fetish based and plays when they feel like it. This is sometimes somebody who has many limits, and enjoys very specific things when it comes to their fetish only taking it so far, or taking it to a very different place.

These are the basic types of people who play in the beautiful BDSM world.

There is no right or wrong way to partake in the BDSM world, while there are some rules, the biggest one is to respect everybody which bleeds into the demand for consent.

7 Rules of BDSM

1.Respect

This is so very important in the BDSM world. Everybody who is in this world, deserves respect.

You may have a submissive partaking in a Forniphilia scene but that doesn’t mean you go and disrespect them.

You treat everybody with the care the fetish entails, whether they be in a cage or not and if you don’t know how to approach them, just ask.

Forniphilia is a fetish where people act as furniture for long periods of time, anything from tables to plates to foot rests.

2.Consent

Always have consent. The last thing you want to do is to hurt somebody, you don’t want to push them past limits their not ready for or don’t consent to.

During a scene if your inspired and you choose to try something new, it’s ok to pop over to the submissive whisper your deviously naughty fun in their ear and ask them if their interested in trying.

If they say yes then go for it while checking were their at via the street light safe-word system as you go through the scene, meaning asking their colors! If they don’t then do not try it, don’t even talk them into it, you’re in the middle of a scene, go another a way.

3.Never interrupt a scene

When people are scene’ing together, they can get quite lost in the moment of being together. They can forget the world around them, the last thing you want to do is interrupt that magic.

If you want to join the scene then wait til this scene is after and ask to join their next scene.

The only time you should disrupt a scene is if it’s dire or there’s an emergency.

4.Always have a safe word

A safe word is mandatory for play in the BDSM world, if somebody screams ‘no’ as part of their character that doesn’t mean no.

When you are in a scene a safe word’s protect the people in the scene. A safe word is a word that can be said and everything will stop right then right there no questions asked.

This is so if things start to go to a place that either participant isn’t happy with then anybody can say the safe word and the entire scene will stop, while this is meant to protect the submissive in scenes with Dominants, anybody can use it.

Great Safe-words that stop everything all together are words like: Avocado or pineapple, both easy to say through a gag.

5.If you want to play with a submissive that already has a Dominant, make sure to clear it by both of them.

People click for different reasons, when it comes to BDSM, it doesn’t always involve sex and sometimes somebody is more skilled at a fetish than somebody else.

Because of this there are people that want to experience something they may not get from their partner, if that’s the case, the biggest thing is to respect everybody and make sure everybody is okay with this.

6. SSC

This stands for Safe, Sane and Consensual, when doing a scene of any type it is crucial that everybody in the scene follow the SSC.

Safe, you should always be safe, never doing what you don’t know what to do properly, and if you choose to take a risk, then make sure you do so safely, where somebody can help you if you need help.

Sane, you should always be in your right mind when doing a scene, BDSM is already so intense you want to be aware of everything going on.

Consensual, everything should be absolutely consensual, and for a back up, have a safe word, like pineapple! A safe word you know you won’t say during the scene.

I.E. If you are going to tie somebody up and have never tied anybody up before, have scissors handy in case you need to cut them free.

7.Don’t yuck on anybody’s yum

This means just because you may not be into somebody’s fetish doesn’t give you the right to put them down.

Nobody should ever be made to feel bad about their fetish, the BDSM world is all inclusive, don’t yuck on anybody’s yum.

There are a variety of roles you can take on in this world and none of them are the wrong role, they are there so you can find what fits you best.

Why BDSM?

Fetish:

A fetish is one who receives sexual gratification from a sexual or non-sexual act that may be considered kinky or taboo. These acts can be a variety of things.

Why would I choose BDSM? Doesn’t it hurt!

It absolutely does not have to hurt! There are a lot of fetishes that don’t hurt and no I’m not just talking about the water sports (aka golden showers) either, BDSM lets everybody be who they want to be.

You can enjoy sensory deprivation, furry play, foot fetish, splooshing… there’s lots of options you just have to explore.

It’s not a box filled with ‘fifty shades of grey’, black-leather clad women in stiletto heels ready to rip your balls off or even men in ass-less chaps with a unicorn tail butt-plug in as their doused in glitter looking over their shoulder going ‘growl’.

Though it can be all those things, BDSM is about embracing your raw pleasure no matter what form you receive that in.

So why BDSM? Because it allows you to open your world and uncensor your pleasure with your partner.

Pain is not a requirement for BDSM.

BDSM is about fetishes, not all fetishes require pain, it’s about tantalizing your partners senses however they desire.

Eat food off them, trace ice cubes around erect nipples, bring your partner to the brink of orgasm only to wait building up the intensity and desire until you let them release…

Use a feather to entice your partner, blindfold them and scatter them in kisses igniting their senses along the way as their tied to the headboard.

Submit to your partner and have it be for something as simple as pleasing them however they choose to be pleased thus pleasing you.

Pain and BDSM

There’s a lot of things you can do that don’t involve pain, but there’s a lot of things you can do that do involve pain. Everybody has a different pain level and that is definitely one thing that needs to be taken into consideration.

That whip being cracked against that submissives skin as they arch their back moaning in ecstasy might sound loud and painful and even leave a mark.

However to them, it could just be the beginning of this joyous experience, pain can be pleasure especially when you release yourself to surrender in the moment.

Some people crave the bite of the whip, it turns them on.

BDSM is not about abuse

One of the biggest misconceptions is that whipping someone consensually could be misconstrued as abuse. And while they may not moan into ectascy it can still be very enjoyable.

Masochist is one who craves the pain, they enjoy it, they thrive in it. You can’t break it down as to some reason why, and you can’t say its wrong when for them it feels right.

Pain isn’t just physical however, masochist may be those who also indulge in things like humiliation. This is why we don’t yuck on others yum’s.

Sadist enjoy giving others pain however they so choose it if it aligns with their desires as well. A sadist can enjoy the control they get from knowing their the ones walking that thin line between too little and too much.

Does this mean any of it is abuse?

Absolutely not, it’s about indulging in your fetish and enjoying it with somebody who loves it as much as you.

When you are diving into a deep scene, taking and pushing your partner to their limits, you want that safe word in place so you can indulge without worry.

However abuse should never be disguised as BDSM, if you are uncomfortable with what’s happening and you’re a submissive and aren’t allowed to safe-word out of the scene then leave or get help.

Whose really got control?

Anybody can enjoy a D/s relationship, but who has the control?

D/s or Dominance/submissive relationship can be a variety of things.

A D/s relationship can be a variety of things, it can be purely about power, a fetish or only in the bedroom.

While it seems that the Dominant is fully in control it’s not true, it’s the submissive.

The submissive holds all the power, they give the dominant permission to do what they do to please them, but the second that submissive says their safe word the Dominant stops immediately.

The Dominant can only do what the submissive permits within their bounds, of course these limits are discussed prior to the scene.

However the Dominant can push their limits, that is why the safe word is in place, so if things happen to go outside the comfort zone of the submissive they can call their safe word, stopping everything immediately.

What is subspace?

Subspace is like a euphoria, that the submissive goes into during a scene. A submissive can be brought into subspace in various ways.

Once a sub reaches sub-space it’s up to the dominant in charge to make sure that they don’t push their submissive too far. When a sub is in sub-space they can lose the ability to sense the danger since they are flying.

Sub-space can be a goal, it can be the entire point of the scene. It’s the ability to get out of your head and your body in a way.

BDSM & Sex, two in the same?

Actually they aren’t. You can have an entire BDSM scene without sex, it’s not a requirement.

You can have an entire scene where you bring the other person to pure ecstasy with a flogger or feather and never have sex with them.

BDSM fetishes don’t require you to engage in sex with the other person, you can simply enjoy the pleasure of the fetish.

What is sadism and masochism?

Sadism

Some one who enjoys giving pain. Does it mean their abusing the person? Not at all, if their giving it to somebody who enjoys pain.

Masochist

Some one who enjoys receiving pain, it has nothing to do with abuse but deriving pleasure from the pain.

Those who partake in Sadist/Masochist scenes enjoy it, both parties have to communicate on what they expect from each other and how far things will go.

What are safe words?

Safe word

A word that is said at any point during the scene halting everything. You take off everything, you stop everything and ensure the safety of the submissive and go into immediate aftercare so you can make sure their okay.

You want a safe word that you have zero chance of saying accidentally so when you say it, it’s understood that you want the scene to stop.

There is more than one type of safe word however.

The first type is a word that stops everything, the second type is more popular. It’s the stop light system and lets your Dominant know that you’re close to limit.

What’s great is the submissive can say a color or the Dominant can ask their color to find out where their at.

Here’s a break down of how the stop light system works:

Red

Stop now,my limits been crossed. I need everything to stop, I can’t take anymore. At this point both parties stop and the submissive is released from whatever may bind them.

Yellow

Doing ok but my limits are tested. When ‘yellow’ is said, the submissive is teetering on the edge, it’s then up to the dominant to decide on how they want to proceed.

At this point you can either continue to test the limits or lower the intensity of what they’re doing.

Green

Doing great, keep going!They are totally comfortable with everything going on and loving every moment, it doesn’t mean you need to higher the level of intensity or change anything.

What else should I know?

BDSM isn’t about punishment, it should be a tease and denial for fun. It’s a bonding experience bringing you and your partner closer.

The moment you start to bring anger into your BDSM scenes is the moment that you risk that trust, not only with yourself but with your partner.

When you’re enjoying a BDSM scene, don’t be angry, don’t whip your partner til you bleed because they made you mad. Avoid playing together if there’s any angst so you don’t hurt one another.

You’re both vulnerable, the last thing you want to do is let something negative seep into that part of the connection you have with your partner.

A big part of BDSM is trust, if you are the Dominant then the submissive is trusting that you will respect their limits and respect them.

And remember don’t yuck on anybody’s yum and have fun.

Always uncensor your pleasure.