I Went From Depressed To Feeling Great In Less Than A Month
By: Flavio Lapresa
Tags: Spiritual Growth, Depression, Mindfulness, Psychology, Presence

After months of going through the same negative thought loops again and again finally something cracked. I was teleported to the here and now. Not the future, not the past. Just this moment right here without any thoughts. It’s so familiar and yet so different. A sense of peace started to descend upon me. Whenever thoughts came up I would just let them go and come back to that peaceful presence. Finally, I experienced some relief from being trapped in my own mind.

Here are the experiences leading up to this:

The deep realization I’ve had through writing on Medium

Writing on Medium was one of the key experiences that led me to that state. It has nothing to do with Medium itself. It could be replaced with many other creative endeavors. It has the potential to help others or to make them feel better in some way. Sometimes being of service to others is the fastest way to feel better because it gets you out of your head.

Over a month ago, I started writing. I had played with the idea before for quite some time but there was this seemingly insurmountable resistance to sitting down and typing a few words into my laptop. Eventually, I pushed myself enough to sit down. I started with 15 minutes a day. Can’t be that hard, right?

It wasn’t. It really wasn’t. It was enjoyable actually. I had all these ideas about it that it might be boring or tedious. That I didn’t feel like doing it. Yet there I was, writing and really enjoying it. This set the stage for a series of events that made something click in my mind. It made me realize something very important: You can’t trust your own mind.

All the ideas you have about something have nothing to do with reality. The map is not the territory. It’s just thoughts you have taken on from other people. Your mind deceives you all the time. It distorts memories, it tells you that something is too hard or not possible. Or even worse: that you can still do it some other time.

This was one of two experiences that drilled in that realization.

The second strike of my realization

The second formative experience that followed shortly afterward was with someone I had met one time before. I had met him in January and had a rather unpleasant encounter with him. There was still a lot of resentment towards him for a long time and I relived that experience in my mind many times afterward.

About a month ago, I encountered the same guy again under different circumstances. He didn’t seem to recognize me and I didn’t recognize him at first but I had a hunch that it was the same guy. I wasn’t convinced, however. It couldn’t be, right? This guy seems alright. He’s respectful, polite, friendly. It has to be a different guy! Only afterward did it start to dawn on me that it was really him. It was the same guy.

With that realization came another: my mind had distorted the memory of him so much that I didn’t even recognize him anymore when I met him again. It also made me realize that I wasn’t nearly as friendly and patient in the previous encounter with him as I was in this one.

It was like a gift from the universe to help me see through the bullshit of my own mind. It made me see how he is alright and that maybe he was simply having a bad day. I also didn’t feel good at the time so I think to some extent he was just reflecting my energy back to me.

I started to reconsider many other memories that I kept reliving in my mind a lot too. I started to see how my memories aren’t objective accounts of what happened but my interpretation of what happened and that I wouldn’t be able to move on from many past experiences if I didn’t start to see things from other angles.

I realized that in many past experiences I was responsible for how things turned out just as much as anyone else. It’s not an easy thing to look at. It’s much easier to blame things on others.

It is necessary to take full responsibility, however. You can only take responsibility for yourself. Even if people are rude towards you that doesn’t absolve you of any responsibility. How you respond to them is still your choice, not theirs.

This was the second strike that really made my realization hit home. It’s one thing to think about it but another when a realization shakes you to the core of your being. When it suddenly hits you hard that your mind is constantly fooling you.

The unexpected solution

So what’s the solution? If your mind can’t be trusted then what is left to do?

You can become present. You can let go of your past experiences and stop projecting things into the future and just stay with what is.

I realized that the mind is like a prison in many ways. It keeps pulling us into the past and future. Out of the present moment. It keeps perpetuating the same thought loops over and over again that drag us further and further into a downward spiral.

The only way to break the cycle is to stop giving these thoughts our energy. It’s to keep pulling yourself back into the present moment over and over again and as you do the thought loops that keep coming up get weaker and weaker. You’re no longer keeping them alive. It takes time, focus, and persistence but it gets easier the more you do it.

Thoughts are incredibly addictive. We get sucked into them so easily because we identify with them so much. Most thoughts don’t actually add much to our experience, we just think they have something to offer so we keep following the trail. It usually doesn’t lead us anywhere and if it does it isn’t where we want to go.

Our most enjoyable experiences all happen when we aren’t thinking, especially not about ourselves. When we get lost in a great novel, when we’re dancing to our favorite song, when we are in the zone.

Our worst moments, on the other hand, often occur when we are completely lost in negative thoughts about ourselves. Then we feel hopeless, depressed, and defeated.

You can’t feel any of those things when you’re truly in the moment. You can’t feel hopeless because you’re not projecting anything into the future. You can’t be depressed because you’re not thinking how awful your life is and you can’t feel defeated because your defeats are in the past, not the present moment.

The present moment is manageable. If you’re thinking about the 100 tasks you still have to finish by next week then there’s no wonder it feels insurmountable. If you add thoughts about how you have been in similar situations and failed to the mix then no wonder you get overwhelmed.

If you just focus on the present moment and the task that’s right in front of you instead then it’s actually manageable. There is always only one task. Even if that task is organizing all the tasks you want to get done so you can finish everything in time.

Breaking the emotional momentum

There is usually quite a bit of build-up when it comes to negative emotions. You get up and you think stressful thoughts because you need to get ready to go to work. On the way to work you think more stressful thoughts because the car in front of you is so slow. At work, you’re thinking even more stressful thoughts because you have deadlines coming up. By the time you’re home you’re completely exhausted and in a terrible mood.

When negative thoughts come up we tend to jump on them and run with them. They then lead to more negative thoughts which lead to even more negative thoughts. This builds momentum.

Think of it like a car rolling down the hill. After the first couple of feet, you can still get in front of it and stop it. It will just bump against your leg but no harm will be done at all because it has not gained much momentum yet. It’s barely moving.

If you stand at the bottom of the hill, however, it is going to roll you over and by that time there isn’t much you can do to stop it except to wait for it to eventually come to a standstill.

It’s the same with negative thoughts. They start out slow but if you don’t pull yourself out of them when they’re still slow then they’ll completely overwhelm you once they start picking up speed. Then you will have to wait for them to subside and try to be more vigilant when the next car starts to build momentum.

The small exercise that created big change

The easiest way to pull yourself out of negative thought loops is to keep pulling yourself back to the present moment and let go of all thoughts for a moment. I do that whenever I think of it but at least 12 times a day.

You can do this exercise as often as you want but make sure that you fully commit to it when you do it even if it’s just for a couple of seconds. The exercise is useless unless you do it with your whole being. Just going through the motions is not enough.

It’s important not to suppress your thoughts but to release them. Suppressing them feels forced whereas releasing them feels like letting go.

Try to let go of all the tension in your body while you do it. As your negative thoughts gain momentum your body also gets tenser. Now, whenever I notice tension in my body I do the same exercise to release it.

What usually works well for me is to close my eyes and to focus on the blackness behind my eyelids. That makes it easier not to drift off in thoughts. It’s also easier to notice thoughts coming up because then the black isn’t as clear and you can sense your focus shifting more easily that way.

As I did this exercise almost constantly with intense focus I could start to feel my emotional state getting better and better. I started feeling more at ease, more competent, and more hopeful. My whole experience of life changed quite dramatically in a matter of weeks.

Final Words

I realize that for a lot of people it’s not realistic to go from feeling crappy to feeling great in such a short period of time. Whatever you do, don’t beat yourself up over it.

Usually, when big shifts happen, much larger processes have been going on in the background for a long time and then a switch flips. You’re likely not even aware of it when that happens but when it does you’re suddenly ready for things to change. Not just with your conscious mind but with your whole being. It’s often hard to understand when and why that happens.

If you’re truly fed up with how things are and you know in your heart that you deserve something better (which can be hard when you’re feeling really down) then it is bound to happen.

I know how awful depression can be and how difficult it is to pull yourself out of it because everything seems completely hopeless. There is hope and you can feel better and it’s worth the effort even if it doesn’t seem like it.

Hopefully, I’ve helped some people with this and was able to provide you with some tools and insights. If you have any thoughts or questions I’d be happy to hear them.