What Face Tattoo Should You Get Based on Your Enneagram Number?
By: Michael Valania
Tags: Satire, Tattoo, Enneagram, Personality Types, Humor

Photo by vjapratama from Pexels

Inspired by every celebrity with a facial tattoo and want to get your own? Are you also a huge fan of the Enneagram and other pseudoscience personality type assessments? This guide will use your Enneagram type number to simplify your permanent, poor life choices.

Type One — The Reformer

Tattoo: A Bull’s Eye in the center of your forehead. You’re not a monster, you demand focused attention and controlled simplicity.

Type Two — The Helper

Tattoo: Your Ex’s nickname above your eyebrow. Sure you have a new significant other but you have lots of love to give. Show that you are forever true even when you say you’ve moved on in a way that both your new man and your Ex’s new girl know you’re loyal.

Type Three: The Achiever

Tattoo: Eye shadow, eyeliner, and lipstick. Whether it a business breakfast, Power lunch or keynote address, you always want your face to say promote me to CEO and you won’t regret it. An alternative option for those who don’t wear makeup: flesh-colored ink to cover the bags under your eyes because you burn the candle at both ends.

Type Four: The Individualist

Tattoo: Your own interpretation of a Jackson Pollack painting on your cheek. Is there any better way to show off your obviously better version of a legendary painting style? Actually, there isn’t because you can redo it every time you change your mind or you get inspired by your next art history documentary.

Type Five: The Investigator

Tattoo: A series of random-seeming shapes across your forehead that when you squint your eyes and touch your tongue to your nose while looking in the mirror, it’s a Fibonacci sequence. Only the most clever and perceptive of your friends will understand. Meaning no one will ever get it and you’ll spend the rest of your life explaining it. Once a year you’ll consider getting it removed or covered up with something even more esoteric.

Type Six: The Loyalist

Tattoo: None. You’ll go in, chat with the tattoo artist for 3 hours, pay her full fee and come out with a great conversation about how you should reconnect with your long-lost dad. It’ll all be worth it and your therapist will thank you. You start going to the tattoo artist just as regularly as you do to your therapist, sending you into debt trying to support both because you can’t choose who is helping you more.

Type Seven: The Enthusiast

Tattoo: The alphabet of every known language getting smaller like an eye chart because you didn’t realize your face was so narrow. If you ever wanted to show off your dynamic ability to cover a lot of bases, this is the tattoo for you. Strangely enough, it randomly reads out the opening line to Grapes of Wrath, just below your left eye, which you’re ok with.

Type Eight: The Challenger

Tattoo: Meth rock sideburns that say “MAGA!” If you’re going to get a face tattoo, you’re going to do it all the way. Everyone else will have to accept that’s just who you are. If they don’t like it they better be prepared for the fight of their life…which won’t be with you because you’ll take one hit and hide behind your unfounded internet vitriol and projected insecurities. You’ll go on twitter to brag about “libs” you just “owned.”

Type Nine: The Peacemaker

Tattoo: Your own face perfectly tattooed over…your own face. You’ve come to terms with the fact that this is your face. People have told you it looks good on you and you don’t want to disappoint them by trying anything different.