Oakdale High School Is Ready To Reopen After COVID Lockdown!
By: Irene Tassy
Tags: Humor, Lockdown, Satire, Covid 19, Schools

Oakdale High School Is Ready To Reopen After COVID Lockdown!

Super easy instructions for your child’s return.

Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash

From: Oakdale High School

To: Parents/Guardians ODHS

Date: November 13th, 2020

Subject: Oakdale High School is Ready to Reopen After COVID Lockdown!

Hello, parents of Oakdale High! Here are the instructions and guidelines for your child’s return to Oakdale High School on January 5th.

Colored Tiers

The state has classified our school as DOLPHIN GRAY. This means we are permitted to open two days a week with 1/6 of the student population, 1/3 of the time.

Other color classifications:

FERN: Permitted to open 1 ½ day a week with 1/8 of the freshman, 2/3 of the sophomores, ¼ of the juniors, and no seniors (seniors who have siblings at other district schools are permitted to attend two Tuesdays per month).

CERULEAN: Permitted to open M-F the months of January, ½ February, March, April (not including the second week, obviously), May, and June (June instruction on overcast days ONLY).

CHARTREUSE: Permitted instruction outside for brunettes and redheads Monday to Thursday. This ONLY applies to freshmen and juniors! Seniors with blond hair and all sophomores (any hair color) will arrive at staggered start times Wednesdays and Thursdays for indoor instruction. Fridays reserved for students with a “Z” last name. (This excludes Gavin Zikes. That kid’s a douche.)

Arrival

Students are given separate entry points depending on their last name and the day of the week.

A-H: FRONT gate entrance on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. (Applicable to every week expect weeks in February, April, and the last week in March.)

I-P: WEST gate entrance on days beginning with a T AND every other Friday. (If raining, school is canceled. Applies only to I-P last names.)

Q-Y: EAST gate entrance on days you feel bluesy. All other days enter through the cafeteria window. (Bluesy DOES NOT mean sad. Bluesy is serious. Please don’t make us confront your child.)

Z: These three students, plus Gavin Zikes, will proceed each morning to the cafeteria walk-in freezer. They will receive academic instruction from Mrs. Hinkle, our lead lunch lady.*

*Curriculum may or may not include lessons on large meat patty orders.

Passing Periods

Passing periods will be reduced from 10 minutes to 30 seconds!

Note: 30 seconds is a short time to cross our large campus. All students will prepare for this sprint by imagining the school is ‘on fire’ or ‘under attack.’ Each student is to imagine a specific, very personal, horror-filled scenario that would encourage a speedy run.*

*Track team will also be employed to chase dawdling students with swords.

Illness

Students exhibiting symptoms will be assessed by the COVID Czar!

Suspicious symptoms include: Runny nose, cough, fever, pink eyes, pink lips, Pinkie and the Brain, loss of smell, loss of youthful glow, loss of innocence, fatigue, super fatigue, moderately snoozy, comatose, headache, toothache, bed head, new confusion, old confusion, the finale of LOST confusion, trouble breathing, trouble dancing, trouble right here in River City, chills.*

*We expect many of our students won’t be able to attend most days.

Nutrition and lunch

There is no food allowed on campus. This presents numerous issues, including low blood sugar, ketosis, and blackouts.*

*True

Screening

Students will be screened daily for fever.

If your child has a fever, they will be sent directly to the COVID CLOSET where a red ‘C’ is attached to their shirt. Just a head cold or allergies? They will be allowed to begin their day.

NON-COVID ill students will ONLY be allowed to receive instruction on a disposable chair in the middle of the quad. They must remain there until Gavin Zikes appears and makes them call for a ride home.*

*No phones are allowed on campus. ‘Calling’ will be limited to a loud scream or shout. Masks required.

Thank you for your understanding and cooperation.

Sincerely,

ODHS Administration*

*As of this morning our school has moved into the least favorable PERIWINKLE WITH A HINT OF SEAFOAM level. We are anticipating this will be a temporary move and plan on reopening, as planned, in mid-March. As always, thank you for the 5,436 questions the district receives daily. Super helpful.