How To Stop Wallowing in Self-Pity
By: Yolanda Gordon
Tags: Self, Self Improvement, Self Pity, Self Love, Self Help

How To Stop Wallowing in Self-Pity

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Miss Havisham is a character who wallows in self-pity after she is jilted by her would-be husband. To make sure to never get over this moment of being wronged, she wears the wedding dress from that day forth.

For years I listened to philosophers like Vernon Howard say drop your pain, stop loving your pain. I could never see that I loved my pain. So, I looked to literature to see it more objectively. By looking at how someone else loved their pain and refused to move on, I had an “aha” moment.

How is the pain enjoyed?

It is a thrill to remember how what I thought was going to happen, didn’t happen. It’s the climax of a novel. We all love that climax even if it ruins the character’s life. It’s exciting. Shocking.

The story of being jilted is all Miss Havisham needs to be the star of a huge drama. She was done wrong. Her expectation was not met.

There are expectations that we have due to what society tells us should happen to us by such and such time. We should live happily ever after, successfully. If this doesn’t happen, where do we go? Disappointment, of course. What else can we do? We can’t force the happily ever after. All we can do going forward is mourn the lack of that happily ever after.

Why don’t we let go?

While we aren’t as blatant as Miss Havisham to wear an emblem of our disappointment, we carry the memory of disappointment in our minds. We don’t need a dress to trigger the memory. Seeing someone else with that thing we seemed entitled to or, better yet, seeing everyone with that thing does it. (Everyone doesn’t have it, by the way. Nice dramatic touch, though.)

No, No, I Won’t Let Go!

Do you think Miss Havisham will give up her right to wallow in self-pity, to feel so wronged? Oh no. Would Carrie White, if she survived prom night, ever stop wallowing in what happened at that awful moment on stage at the prom? Remembering the sting of painful emotion makes it okay to feel wronged. If we really think about human nature and, not our fantasy of human nature, we might move away from shock to understanding.

Not letting go also puts those regular humans on pedestals. Those people were just living their lives and trying to fit in themselves. They were dealing with their own insecurities and doubts. Are they worth being angry and miserable forever? Uggh. What a waste of life!

Stop loving your pain

See that you love that done wrong feeling. See that it gives you the right to be miserable. Stop hanging on to the right to be miserable. Learn more about why someone behaved a certain way. Look past what you wanted to happen. Look at their background, how they grew up. Read human history, human psychology. This tells more of why someone behaves a certain way toward you than the fact that they didn’t love or appreciate you in particular. Stop using other people as excuses to be miserable. Well, are they worth it?

Let Go and Let Yourself Live

No, you aren’t going to just let it go all at once. But you can daily remind yourself that you are needlessly holding on to misery. Use Miss Havisham or even those around you as cautionary tales. Just seeing that will help you to loosen your grip on those sad stories that tie you to misery. Start small at first. A little incident that still rankles. The more you loosen your grip, the less misery you will feel. The less misery you feel, the less drained you will feel. The less drained you feel over time, the more capable you will be of giving life your all again, little by little. A little adds up to a lot over time.

A Helpful Practice

If you’re at all like me, wallowing in pity is quite the habit. Before you know it, you’re doing it. When you find yourself already having a great pity party, one way to get yourself out of it (and then more capable of stepping back and being objective toward the thoughts and emotions) is a well-known mindfulness exercise called the “54321” exercise.

“54321” Exercise:

Look around and name, aloud or quietly to yourself, 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste. It takes you out of your head.

Read more about this method and other grounding techniques here.

Maybe add a few thank yous for the gifts of sight, hearing, etc. as these things are amazing miracles. Gratefulness always makes my day a little brighter.