A “Bedroom Only” Submissive
Tags: BDSM, Healing, Relationships

photo by Artem-Labunsky -Unsplash

I didn’t make the decision to be kinky, not a conscious one anyway. I’ve often been drawn to intensity both in the bedroom and outside of it and elements of kink like spanking, hair pulling, biting, rougher sex and restraints have been a part of my sexual repertoire since I began exploring sex.

It wasn’t until later in life when I delved into reading erotica that I came across the terms Dominant, submissive, and BDSM. Although the dynamics represented in the books were sometimes deeply flawed, it did peak my curiosity and lead me down a road of research and discovery that BDSM could be a whole lifestyle.

The more I learned about power exchange, the more it fascinated me. Power exchange (explained simply) happens when the submissive gives the Dominant the power over negotiated aspects of their life. It is extensively negotiated and in exchange for the submissive’s trust and surrender, the Dominant leads, guides, nurtures, and often takes care of their submissive. The thought of such an immersive BDSM experience appealed to me. I didn’t want my submission to end when we left the bedroom. I wanted it to be submerged in it. And I was. Power exchange was all encompassing and completely intoxicating. It quickly became my favourite kink. I think it’s the surrender and devotion it requires. It is the kneeling on days you don’t want to, even when you are mad at the very person telling you to kneel. It is the challenge of pushing yourself through discomfort for someone else’s benefit; it is being controlled, used, and cherished at the same time. It is the act of loving and worship, lifting someone up at all times, and always being humble on your knees before them.

Nothing kinky is happening in my life right now (aside from my writings). It’s been that way since long before Covid, and it’s likely to continue, given how things are going in the world. And the time away from active kink has given me time to reflect, to think about the kind of life I want to live and the relationships I want to seek in the future. Although surrendering to a loving, intelligent, yet filthy minded Daddy (no matter the gender) in a 24/7 dynamic has been what I have wanted — I don’t know that it is a healthy choice for me anymore — not now, anyway.

I’ve never been good at enforcing my own boundaries. I’ve never learned to stand and feel solidly grounded in my own worth. I have never embraced my own power, or even felt it, to be honest; yet I’d willingly give that power away, over and over and over again. And I’m realizing I am not taking good care of myself by doing that.

I think, like many who have histories laden with trauma, I seek comfort in others. It’s not because I don’t have the skills or knowledge to comfort myself; I do. I comfort others all the time, and with ease. It’s that I have this strong feeling of resistance to comforting myself. I don’t want to do it. It doesn’t feel comforting. it feels lonely.

As a child, no one ever held me and let me cry. No one ever said, “Everything will be okay, you are safe,” because I wasn’t. As a teen, when horrible things happened to me, I was left to deal with it on my own. I feel resentful and angry because of it. I missed out on having a loving and safe place to land. Now, I just want to melt into someone else. I want them to make me feel safe and better and tell me that I am going to be okay, because sometimes I don’t feel like I am going to be okay, at all. I want to feel taken care of because I have walked most of my life alone, in one way or another, and I am weary of it.

Through submission, I found that I could disappear into someone else. I could give myself over, becoming everything they need and want. And what I give is genuinely me; I love taking care of others. I love showering them with time and love and affection. I love helping them meet their goals and achieve their dreams. But focusing on them also means I don’t have to think about myself at all; I don’t have to face my own pain. By putting others’ needs ahead of my own, I can hide, and escape, and tell myself I’m a good submissive, play partner, lover, friend, etc. I let myself get lost in the other person, lost in my service, lost in our time together as I focus on their happiness, forgetting that I need to have my own. The result can sometimes be that, when those relationships end, or change, or evolve, I am set adrift, taken right back to the feelings of being a little girl who has no one to hold me and make it better.

If you aren’t grounded in your own worth and know who you are as a person with value and confidence, the worst can happen and you end up giving your power to someone who uses it against you. Someone who you surrender and submit to, yet they use that power to abuse and take advantage of you. They convince you that all that’s needed is just to dig deeper, submit more fully, and they use their power to silence you and take away your voice. When that happens, there is no longer any power exchange as they take everything you have, and through conditioning make you believe you are at fault because they are your Dominant and know best and are always right. When this type of abusive dynamic ends, if you can find the strength to end it, it’s hard to find yourself again. I know myself well enough to realize that as I am now, this is a real danger for me-and I don’t want to risk giving myself over to someone who would hurt me in this way.

My hopes for a 24/7 power exchange, for submission and surrender, will be put away in a keepsake box up on a shelf for now. I need to do some healing. I need to do some growing. I need to do some forgiving of myself, and of others. I need to learn to take care of little me in a way that feels as good as when someone else does it. I need to learn to crawl before I can walk. I need to learn to be happy on my own. And so, kinky AF in the bedroom will be where my submission stays until I am ready — though I realize and have accepted there is a possibility I may never be.