How a Seventyish Woman Faces the Holidays This Year
By: Jean Anne Feldeisen
Tags: Kindness, Seniors, Aging Well, Holidays, Marriage

How a Seventyish Woman Faces the Holidays This Year

Photo courtesy of the author

It is the 1950’s I am lying in my bed on Christmas morning. We children must stay in our rooms until we are called. When I finally hear our parents stirring in their bedroom, I get up, stand by the door, peeking around the corner frantic to see what is happening, to catch a glimpse of a red suit or white beard.

After a bit, I hear a hearty “Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas.” My father.

“Is that you Santa Claus? Is that your reindeer I hear on the roof?” “Yes it is, but I’ve got to go on to the next house. Merry Christmas. Ho, Ho, Ho.” “Goodbye Santa Claus. Thanks for all the presents.”

“Ok you can come out now, children.” And we run out of our rooms into the living room to see the tree and all the gifts beneath it. That was the best of memories from my childhood.

My father, for all his flaws, was a man who loved Christmas. While his quick temper and many rigid rules made our lives miserable at times, at Christmas he was kind and merry and generous. He gave us candy at breakfast, fixed our toys, played with us. He was kind and loving to our mother, called her Milly. Christmas brought out the best in our dad.

As a child I spent much of the year wishing for Christmas. I loved the holiday and all that went with it so profoundly, the sacred message of joy and new life, the love that seemed to abound during that season. I also delighted in the sugar-filled foods, the colorful Sears Christmas Wish Book with its wish-inspiring treats. The dolls, and hats and mittens and farm sets. The candies and fruit cakes, the bright baubles and doo dads that decorated everything. It was a delight to me and much of that delight remains with me still.

But I no longer wish for Christmas with my whole heart and soul. Because I grew up. I learned the lessons of a long life. Wishing doesn’t make it come any sooner. The joy that seems part of the season has to begin within me. If I’m not joyful inside, the magic doesn’t work and it’s just another day. A lot of the glitz is a very shallow thing. I no longer totally believe the Christmas story. I no longer even believe the American story hinted at in the Sears catalog. Spending a lot of money has never given me what I want at Christmas, either.

And this year, because of the worsening pandemic, I am bereft of the very thing that is truly meaningful to me about the holiday, sharing love and laughter and a fine meal. Giving and receiving specially chosen gifts with my family. Lots of thankyous and oohing and aahing, and dogs with bows on their heads carousing amidst the wrapping paper. That celebration is a fine thing. But not this year. Just this year, we are giving up this ritual and eating in separate places and delivering gifts to be opened separately. This is really sad.

We will do the best we can with the holiday because we care about keeping each other safe and healthy. But I’ve been thinking about my own approach to Christmas and wondering how I will face this limited holiday. What can I do to shift my approach this year, to acknowledge what I really believe is important about Christmas and use it to help myself make peace with the holiday the way it is?

Love and renewal

Though I am no longer a religious person, I was raised in the Christian tradition and believe that the premise of Christmas is one of love, the love of god for man, the love of a mother for her baby. I can get behind that. In other traditions, the winter holiday most like Christmas is the winter Solstice, traditionally a time of death and rebirth when the sun seems to slow and create it’s smallest arc, leaving us with the longest night and least daylight of the year. In some traditions, this was viewed as the death of the old sun and the birth of a new one. As nature is renewed, perhaps we could be renewed with her. I mean, I am ready for some renewal.

My mood is snappish, my energy is sagging, my language is becoming sarcastic in general, and I have trouble remembering what I was going to do to bring joy to myself and my fellow earthlings. Just today I have snapped at my husband several times, complained that he couldn’t hear me, or didn’t listen to me and caused several arguments. I have made ugly faces and snarled and not been very sweet. I have no reason for this except that we have been in the house together all day because of a snow storm. And I’m having trouble managing myself.

I need some personal renewal. So I sent myself up to my desk to write about it. Writing usually helps me see the source of the problem and kicks me into some needed action.

Thinking back on that opening scene from my childhood Christmas, I remember that the thing I loved most about that time was the way people treated each other. My father was kind and generous. He allowed our flaws more graciously at Christmas. My mother, who is a kind soul year-round, was always so excited for give and receive gifts, to share in our exuberance and the fun of surprises and hugs. Our parents didn’t argue,dad didn’t holler. As children, we tried to extend the mood, tried not to fight or complain, or do anything to ruin the day.

Looking out at the larger scene, I was always moved by the way that not only neighbors and family but also total strangers shared “Seasons Greetings” or “Merry Christmas” with each other, opened doors, gave gifts , were more thoughtful or caring than usual. I still feel that way when out in public during the holiday season and try to remember to say Happy Holidays, or to give out extra smiles to people with whom I interact. Not so many of them this year, but the clerk at the grocery store wished me a Happy Holiday already and I have been trying to remember to pass it around wherever I go. Passing around love and kindness and joyfulness is a simple gift I can give a stranger.

the thing I loved most about that time was the way people treated each other

But what about the husband I am living with day in and day out? What can I do to be kinder, less judgmental and snarky? This is a harder fix, I think. He is the person I love, respect and trust most in the whole world. He doesn’t deserve to catch the dark side of my mood but he’s the one that’s there no matter what my mood.

So, how do I fix it? I apologize, try to cozy up to him, make eyes at him, promise to be nice from now on. He knows it is a bunch of BS. Because I’ve apologized a million times in our fifty some years together and I still have bad moods sometimes. I guess he looks past them, hopes for better days, enjoys the good times enough to forgive me over and over. I do try to be better.

Logically Speaking

So, if my joy in the holidays begins with the joy in my heart, which depends on how people treat each other, then I have to begin by treating people better. I need to find a way to make my encounters with people around me joyful. I’ve written about some ideas such as sending greeting cards, wrapping gifts with more attention, giving out little boxes of assorted cookies to people who don’t expect a gift, taking time to smile and wish seasons greetings to everyone I can.

But I especially need to take care how I treat my husband. Yes, I could make the excuse that he is underfoot, or annoying, or always needing something from me, and this is the truth, but, when I am unkind to him, the joy in my heart dries right up and I feel unbearably sad. Which ruins everything.

So I need to take care to be patient, not roll my eyes or make hurtful jokes or show my skill with sarcastic remarks. There is a lot of beauty right in front of me, every day, and his name is Don. I need to find a way to show my love for him, too.

The Goal

Why do I have all these holiday tasks on my to-do list in the first place? This has been an especially difficult year. I want to help people feel merrier, show extra kindness and patience and caring, forgive their little flaws. Give extra gifts, go the extra mile

The rest of the holiday, I want to feel enough joy in me that I can pass it along to everyone I meet. I need to stop focusing on my to-do list and be grateful for the connections I make. I want to forget the self-imposed obligations and try hard to be kind in whatever situation I’m faced with. Oddly enough, what I’ve come up with is that I need to practice being present in my life this week. Keep my goals in mind, aim for joy in my heart. Accept today for what it is. Let go of past failures, move on.

Takeaway: How can you face the holiday this year?

Accept that this year the holidays will be different

Decide what is most important to you about the season and find new ways to express or experience these things

Treat people in a way that brings you joy- it is better to do less and be calm and rested enough to enjoy it all

Keep your goals in mind but don’t worry about doing it perfectly

Be grateful for the life of family and friends, and all your other blessings

Look forward to changes that seem likely in 2021: new vaccines for Covid, a new administration, new respect for our ability to weather a pandemic and come up with creative and adaptive solutions to these new problems. Let this winter Solstice mark the end of the old, the beginning of the new in all our lives.

For now, I’m going to drag out my tired old apology and hope to win back my laughing husband with it.