How to Have Sex Everyday When You Have Two Children Under Three
By: Matilda Swinney
Tags: Relationships, Humor, Sex, Parenting, Sexuality

How to Have Sex Everyday When You Have Two Children Under Three

Tip #4 acquire a time turner

If you thought life was busy with one child, two is a whole other story. The treasured peace of nap time no longer exists and early bedtimes for both children are a far off hope for the future. As a new mom of two I barely have time to take a shower, never mind daily sex. However, I like to stay hopeful and imagine daily sex isn’t too far away on the calendar.

Develop a fetish for Lego

You’re gonna see a lot of it and stand on it at least sixteen times a day. So, if you find it irresistibly sexy you will increase your overall morale and levels of patience. When you stand on a sharp brick at 7am, before you’ve managed to grab your morning coffee, you’re gonna need all the patience you can get.

Use condoms

No matter how much you love your children or even have plans for more, you’ll wanna be extra careful for at least a year. Having two children is a hurricane of unrelenting noise, unrealistic demands and uncontrollable chaos. Your once tidy house will be decimated, any kind of routine you may have had before, ruined and your thriving social life, crushed (let’s be honest it hadn’t recovered from the last time).

The point is, it takes a while to settle in to life with two children. So, give yourself plenty of time for the chaos to calm before you even contemplate a third. Soon life will feel a little more predictable, the blissful family moments will come more often, and you may well be ready for the thought of a third visit from Mr Stork.

Avoid nipple play

Avoid the nipples at all costs. Unless you like a milkshake with your sex, that is. Lactation fetishes are a thing, sure, but this milk bar is a private refreshment service for one baby and one baby only.

There’s always a chance of boobs leaking during sex, but leaving them solely for baby decreases the chance of any leakage. I like classic missionary for this reason, for now, to ensure the boobs don’t play a starring role. Just an extra part is good for now.

Plus, boobs are super sensitive at the start of breastfeeding, and not in a sexy way. No touching of the boobs can help to make you feel more comfortable and less self-conscious during sex.

Acquire a time turner

Harry Potter’s time turner is going to come in handy here, or a useful device called Bernard’s Watch, which allows you to stop time as and when you want. Perfect for long, relaxing sex sessions where you can be as loud as you want and enjoy a 48 hour nap afterwards.

Everyone else is frozen in time nice and safe, so you can relax, have sex leisurely and be totally free of responsibility. All you have to do is find out if Bernard’s Watch was just a kids TV programme or a real Dragons’ Den proposal.

Mix up your fragrance

Not everyone finds eau de vomit alluring. Try a new, more classic fragrance which can be purchased from any high street store. It will no doubt make you feel a whole lot sexier than your normal day fragrance.

Buy your partner one too. He may need it more than he realises, especially if you’re both full time parents due to lockdown. It will feel amazing to walk around smelling of Chanel, even if only for a few seconds, before the vomiting and milk leakage begins.

Spend some time together

This should be quality time together, preferably without a backdrop of crying. Replacing the crying with soothing music can be really good for romance, relaxation and general positive moods.

Kick back with a glass of wine, grab a super quick meal out (if you’re lucky and have a sitter) or go ahead and play a little Lego together when the babies are in bed. I’m not even joking. It’s surprisingly therapeutic and celebrity parents such as Sophie Ellis-Bextor have made it cool. Bextor confesses she enjoys a glass of wine and Lego once the kids are in bed.

Takeaway

All jokes aside, parenthood is a truly challenging but unbelievably beautiful experience. No one can prepare you for the levels of love, worry and tiredness you will feel. So, working together as a team, ensuring you do make time for sex, and cherishing quality moments together as a couple whenever you can, will help you to be amazing parents and maintain a little self-identity in such intense times.

So, keep patient, enjoy the moments of bliss as a family and try and see things from your kids’ perspective in the moments of madness. Everyone’s just trying to find their role in the word, toddlers and newborns included, and so kindness, patience and a whole lot of love will help every situation.