Kids, I Love You to my Core But you Probably Shouldn’t Exist
By: Maria Dickmann
Tags: Mental Health, Moms, Dating Advice, Support, Kids

My babies and their non-step siblings? I don’t know what to call them but I suspect lifelong friends. Much gratitude to their mom for being part of my network I could lean on.

It’s been getting better but not enough. I thought I could hold together more but the task is much larger than I could have ever anticipated.

To hopefully grant you kids an opportunity to make fresh and fun mistakes I hope you’ll indulge me and giving out some unsolicited dating advice.

First of all don’t aim to date, you need to find out who you are through your interactions with others and learn what you like and don’t like. This does not work if your goal is to partner.

Do not under any circumstances marry the only person you have ever slept with. There are many reasons for this, most of which you I’m sure don’t want to hear about, so let’s just say I will tell you why I think this is a bad idea if it becomes an urgent matter.

I hope to be there in real time to help coach you through whatever trials and tribulations would potentially lead to marriage, but consider this guidance if I’m not.

The only scenario I can really imagine is Hazel if you’re in Vegas and drinking too much, let me know if you want to give me power of attorney just in case, I can see you needing to run to the edges to find who you are and I want to be a good safety net for you.

Look for people who light a spark in you, understand and embrace the non-forever people.

I was definitely my “healthiest” when I was actively seeking to have something “as needed” or “for now” and picking people to spend time with who I knew I did not want to grow old with.

As long as you have communicated as clearly as possible with them as a listener in mind about where you are in life and what you are looking for then these are healthy if not essential relationships. Some of them may change to fill a different role in your life, some may fade quietly, some may have a rough recalibration. But if you can navigate that part then there are wonders on the other side.

Maybe the world has changed so much this is all moot but when I grew up I got a very strong message from society that a relationship would make me happy.

I was unhappy and I wanted more than anything in the world not to feel alone anymore so I decided I would find a relationship and it would make me happy.

Well, life.

Now I’m divorced and my mental health is in shambles after a career crash exposed family life wasn’t working well then either, and there was a global pandemic.

But I still couldn’t let go of the idea that romantic relationship = happiness so I kept trying it till I finally listened to the pain signal to stop. Till like, a month or two ago? I’m actually still kind of taking the moving tape off the new mindset so let’s focus more on that it happened.

It’s hard though. I can’t provide you kids the day to day care I wish I could. The very relaxed stance you got from your father about getting to places at the appointed time exaggerated by your age and propensity to not give a fuck what I’m asking, triggers my anxiety in a way that has built up to me becoming a danger to myself.

Note: Hazel is the only one actually guilty of bold face lying to me and actively ignoring my requests, Sadie tries to focus but it feels like he’s kind of trying to paint broadside of a barn. Bless his little heart but also I really need him to aim a touch better.

I’ve done everything I can to protect you two from what I see as the most unforgivable bads in the world but I’ve used up all my reserves and I can’t keep up with upcoming demands as is. I’m going to have to force you kids to be disrupted a little while I heal a little from the battles to secure what I have.

I don’t want you kids to end up in a place where you feel your shortcomings are harming your charges, and that’s where I am.

I forgot that I am the one who is weird. By the time I was your age I was pretty much responsible for myself. Actually it wasn’t long before I realized I was being treated like I was responsible for my mother too so that grooming had probably already started by the time I was the ages you are now.

I got myself ready and to school because she was either off with some prospect (man or job) or sleeping off said prospect.

I got angry once because she slept in for hours after promising to make us breakfast. Apparently that set her off and she exposed herself and how thin she was and said it was our fault that she was that way. Lesson learned not to stand up for myself learned.

So yea, mommy doesn’t always have a good baseline when that’s what I came up through. And it leads me astray still sometimes to be so focused on being the opposite.

Apparently my mother would drink to numb her pain and just scream singing at the piano while we ran around in shit filed diapers. At least that’s what I was told by some extended family. They probably thought my dad would do something. Unfortunately he didn’t even seem to register it is a problem, apparently he thought we were “malleable”

You’re damn right.

I wish that you kids didn’t have to go through anything of what mommy went through. It’s certainly better but not as good as I wanted. I can’t do it anymore though, I have to give up on part of that dream so we can have other dreams.

I will still do everything I can to do what’s best for you kids but life circumstances… there are just things out of my control. And I have to let you be subject to that now, so I can heal and be your mommy for years to come.

It hurts so bad to feel like I failed you, even in my clairvoyant moments where I can see the greater good it’s still sucks to feel like f didn’t have to be so difficult. The things outside my control will continue to make it difficult but I can only shelter you from that so much.

I made choices I based on a previous mindset and all I can do is and move forward, but sometimes I need to grieve.

I don’t like the phrase silver linings but you kids are definitely the best some thing I’ve made out of anything. Even if having to spend too much time with you makes my skin literally crawl.

I’m sorry my earthquake shook you but I think you’ll find it with her settled is worth the shake up. The trajectory is the same direction, we just needed to change up the mechanics for the topography of the immediate future.