December — the Alchemy of Surrender
By: Laurelle Rond
Tags: Coping, Recovery, Courage, Wisdom, Surrender

2020 has been a long year and yet it has passed so very quickly. It will surely be known as the Covid-19 year which changed all of our lives. For some the lockdowns caused by the global virus have provided some much needed slowing down and rest but for others it has meant the separation from loved ones either physically or through death.

Suffering loss through bereavement, breakdown and redundancy shocks us into change. Much like a hibernating bear, it forces us into a den, giving us the opportunity to become introspective and go deeply into ourselves. This is hard and something that most of us would never choose to do. Loss is a desperate path covered by sharp stones and jutting rocks that leave us grazed and wounded as we repeatedly fall and stagger blindly on. But it is the only real way out of suffering. We must go through it so that we can discover what is hidden behind the pain in the darkness.

Image by Jonathan Weiss — Unsplash

This is surrender and surrender hurts. When we are forced to surrender by circumstance we have no choice but to sink into the snow-covered fields of stillness. Surrender is one of the most profound spiritual experiences we will ever have; a route map to discovering who we really are but it will cause our blood to freeze and our bodies, minds and emotions to tremble so violently that we won’t know how we will survive it. And yet this trembling is how we release trauma from our body and, if we want to feel happiness again, we must endure it.

So we find ourselves walking into a cave. It is deep and dark here under the ground. There is no light but that which we shed from inside ourselves. Now truly blind from the outside, we will sit down on the cold, hard floor of stone and weep.

Image by David Garrido — Unsplash

At first we will believe ourselves to be utterly alone and this will tear us into pieces but a voice will be there if only we still and silence ourselves enough to hear it. It is our voice and also the voice of Gaia, Mother Earth, who has been waiting for us and holding space for us to connect with her all of our lives. And when we finally give in and open ourselves up to her, it will be with a profound sense of relief that all the fighting against her is finally over.

As we move deeper into the cave, the air will start to smell different and the light that we have found inside ourselves will begin to shine brighter. As the deep cold starts to turn warmer we will find ourselves moving towards the heat rather than the cold. Holding out our hands to warm ourselves we will move forward more quickly until we see a flick of flame trying to reach us from around a hidden corner. For this is where our dragon lives and our dragon is scared.

Image by Laith Abushaar — Unsplash

Like all frightened creatures, he will snap his jaws and threaten to hurt us if we venture too close but we know that if we turn back now we will have to go back into the cold and we never want to go there again. For a while, we won’t be able to move but the heat from our dragon’s breath will scorch us if we do not venture forward.

Propelled into our dragon’s cave, we will at last glimpse the treasure that lies beneath its scaly body. As though it is determined to stop us from finding it, the dragon is likely to send another plume of scorching breath towards us but we will find that we can step aside. Time out in the cold has taught us some wisdom and we are beginning to realise that, despite all the scary tales, the dragon might not be our enemy. What if, like Gaia, it is simply holding the space for us to feel our experience fully?

And so, with a huge in-breath of courage, we dare to endure the heat and try to see what the dragon is guarding. Immediately we will be confronted by our fear but that’s okay — with enough motivation we can develop the qualities needed to see what is beneath. We want to escape the pain and that is motivation enough so we begin to develop what we need for true self exploration — curiosity, determination, tenacity and a knowledge that every step both forwards and backwards, counts.

Image by Emilian Robert Vicol — Pixabay

And so you step forward into the heat. The dragon looks at you with a piercing and challenging stare. “You can only have your treasure if you are prepared to endure the touch of my hot breath on your skin,” it seems to say. “Peel off your layers of illusion. Then I will rise up, let you have your treasure and be free once more.”

At first you don’t understand but gradually you realise that you are being told that, by claiming your treasure you will also allow the dragon to have its freedom. It might be hard and flay you from the inside out; it might hurt and destroy all your pretences; it might make you bleed with wounds that seemingly refuse to heal, but you’re up to this. You can see your treasure glinting up at you behind the fire of the dragon’s breath. So, with a deep inhale, you change your Worrier into your Warrior and take the scorching with your back held strong and upright.

Image by Xuan Nguyen — Unsplash

The dragon looks you in the eye for a long, long time, but you do not falter. Then, in what feels like eternity and the snap of a finger all at the same time, it spreads its wings and begins to fly upwards and outwards into the promise of its own freedom.

As the treasure at last reveals itself, you move forwards again, looking forward to touching the jewels and the gems and running the gold through your fingers as though this is your long-awaited reward. Except that the treasure doesn’t look all shiny as you expected it to. Instead, it is made up of boxes with tightly closed lids. For a moment you feel betrayed and angry. This isn’t what you wanted; what you asked for. You’ve been scammed; it was all a lie — where’s your reward for all this blisteringly hard work? Anger claims you in its burning fist as hot as if the dragon had returned and turned you into molten dust. How dare life treat you like this! What have you ever done to deserve it? It isn’t fair!

Yet you can’t stop looking at the boxes and, furious with yourself for moving, your curiosity gets the better of you and you bed down to open the first box.

Image by Kelly Sikkema — Unsplash

At first it seems empty, but as you peer closer you see that there is a folded piece of paper inside. You smooth it out and find two words written in old script: Well done. For a moment you don’t understand. Then, brow creased, you open the second box and find Courage. In the third is Wisdom; in the fourth is Compassion. As box after box reveals a new quality, you finally begin to understand. These qualities are your true treasures and they have been here all along. As you gaze in wonder at the pieces of paper, they begin to change into jewels in front of your very eyes until you are surrounded by gems as brilliant as the sun.

Image by Peter Lomas — Pixabay

Now there is only one box left. Squinting through the brightness, you step forward and open its lid. Inside is a dragon; a miniature of the one that has just flown away. Underneath it another piece of paper is hidden. Carefully you take it out and unfold it. It reads: Freedom.

And then, at last you understand. You were the one keeping your treasure hidden and you were the dragon who breathed hot fire into your face. You were also the one who, by developing your qualities, allowed it to spread its wings and fly free.

Image by Gerd Altmann — Pixabay

And with a laugh of wisdom that lights up your soul, you gather together all the jewels you have uncovered: love, kindness, honesty, co-operation, gratitude a and countless others, and put them in your heart. Then, head held high, you say thank you to surrender and walk back out of the cave into glorious sunshine and laugh and laugh and laugh…