3 Causes of Mom Burnout
By: Meg Faherty
Tags: Mothers, Motherhood, Burnout, Moms, Parenting

Stressful Thoughts

Busy days make me feel uneasy. I think about all the logistics and all the possible things that could go wrong: Is this appointment interfering with the baby’s nap time? Will I hit traffic and be late for school pickup? Will I be home early enough to prepare dinner at a reasonable hour?

The details of my day aren’t the problem: my stressful thinking is the problem. When I begin a day thinking today is going to be hectic or busy days make me cranky, I’m setting myself up for failure.

Our brains like to look for evidence to prove we are correct.

If I’m running slightly behind schedule, my brain says, See, I knew today would be hectic. If the kids bicker in the car and I raise my voice, my brain says, See, I knew you’d be cranky. We can start to move toward burnout after one hectic or cranky day, all because of how we think about it.

You might be thinking: toting kids around town to appointments and activities IS a long day. Of course one would feel burnt out by the end of it!

But let me describe a different scenario:

Every year, I plan a family field trip to an historical ranch during the school break. It’s a living museum where guests can play with animals and chat with ‘characters’ who teach about life on the ranch in the nineteenth century. Not once do I worry about all that could go wrong during the day. Why? Because I show up with excitement.

My positive thoughts FUEL my day.

Do the kids have breakdowns? Of course! Do we sit in rush hour traffic on the way home? Sure do! Do I go to bed exhausted? You bet! But it’s not the same exhaustion as burnout. I’m tired but I have a full heart and a smile on my face.

The attitude behind our work either fuels us in a healthy way or it’s the thing that causes us to move closer toward burnout.

2. Not planning ahead

The second cause of burnout is when we fail to plan ahead and we find ourselves constantly reacting.

There are myriad resources available to moms on how to best plan our days, such as packing backpacks at night, preparing part of dinner during the baby’s nap time, or anticipating our child’s needs before the point of a breakdown.

But there’s another way of planning in advance that is crucial to preventing burnout.

And that is: planning our BEHAVIOR in advance.

When we repeatedly react to stressors or challenges in a negative way, we aren’t using the most rational part of the brain. We are using the part of the brain that runs on autopilot. Unfortunately, this autopilot can keep us feeling stuck in a pattern of snapping, shutting down, or even yelling. Plus, when we react negatively, our bodies experience a spike in cortisol.

Reacting negatively and putting out little fires all day long is a sure path to burnout.

So how do we plan our behavior in advance? One way is to visualize ourselves in a scenario that is causing us stress.

Let’s say you have a child who resists when you tell him to do his homework. You have been butting heads about this task for a few days. You haven’t been handling this challenge as well as you would like and it’s causing you both stress.

Before homework time, visualize the two of you butting heads about the assignment. Go ahead and close your eyes and put yourself in the scene. He’s resisting. You need him to finish his homework before dinner. You’re both feeling frustrated. You don’t want another night of tears and yelling.

How would you like to handle it? How would you, on your best day, handle this scenario?

Imagine how you’d speak to your son. Visualize yourself speaking to him in a calm but firm manner. Imagine how you’d respond to his behavior. Visualize yourself acknowledging his frustration and finding a creative way to get the assignment done.

By doing this activity, you are reminding your brain that you CAN behave in a way that’s better than the autopilot way.

Then, when it’s time to actually start the homework, there’s no fire to put out. You are more likely to show up as your best self because you’ve practiced it.

3. Lack of space

Not having space to think may be the most common cause of burnout for moms. We deserve a little breathing room to reflect on our days and figure out what’s working and what isn’t. We need some quiet time to visualize how we want to show up. We can’t begin to tackle the first two causes of burnout if we can’t find some time to ourselves.

How can you carve out some space in your day so that you can show up with a positive attitude and an effective plan? Don’t wait until you’re completely burnt out to do so!