My Regimen To Become The Ideal American
By: Paul Hernandez
Tags: Politics, Satire, Humor, Funny, Ideas

I used to think being a true American meant subscribing to hyper-partisan publications that either reinforced my beliefs or viciously attacked them. However, to be an unabashed patriot is to understand the polarizing sides of the political spectrum. In order to achieve a healthy balance, I’ve begun to support both extremes equally.

For every dollar I donate to NPR, I send Rush Limbaugh an extra strength Tylenol (I’ve never had access to the good stuff and probably won’t now with the increase in deportations). For every Rachel Maddow retweet, I mail a handwritten note to Alex Jones that simple states “You are someone.” I refer to all Trump supporters as Hitler youth, boomer losers, or Lindbergh babies and any opposition to the current administration as dummy crats, ANTIFA pinko commie lefties, and the occasional frosted snowflake.

I privately yearn for the good old days while publicly acknowledging the good old days weren’t so great for everyone. At all times I carry pocket versions of The Constitution, The King James Bible, The Koran, The Art of the Deal, Manufacturing Consent, and Chicken Soup for the Soul, which necessitated the purchase of several pairs of cargo pants.

The only music I listen to is the rap country collaboration song “Over and Over” by Tim McGraw and Nelly. I watch Tomi Lahren videos in between commercial breaks of Samantha Bee. I’ve cut my dependence on fossil fuel and only warm my house with solar power and a stove that runs on the burning of effigies of Obama and Trump. During conversations at parties, I use the words clean and coal side by side, careful to create an imaginary footnote in my head that reads oxymoron (not a reference to Rush Limbaugh).

In the wake of terrorist attacks in foreign lands, I adamantly stand with France, England, Belgium, Germany, Sweden AND also non-European countries. I’ve changed my profile picture so many times, I now only use a rainbow overlay to depict all possible flag colors, but I am careful not to enter the arena on any bathroom bill discussions.

I call for all welfare and Pell Grant recipients to be drug tested equally and preferably on the same day. I champion state’s rights but have conflicting opinions when it comes to ‘stop and frisk’ and handgun bans as a means to stop violence. I tell my coworkers that marijuana is a gateway drug with serious tax benefits.

I only look at the titles of articles and immediately go the comments section. All the stuff in between is just a distraction meant to dissuade the “woke” public. I rapidly become dismissive of all media. Everything is propaganda.

I share a meme that kids should go out and play more, from my iPhone as I sit on my couch, during a beautiful day. I make sure to chastise millennials for staying on their parent’s health insurance, and then remember to make an appointment with the dermatologist to check a questionable mole on my back.

I start a thread on Reddit questioning if taco salad is cultural appropriation, and then get ready for bed. I put on a my long t-shirt with a slogan that reads “Do lives even matter?” I turn on my white noise machine which is a just YouTube video of Mike Huckabee telling the same Obama joke for 10 hours and get ready to do it all over again.