How not to stab someone with a spoon?
Tags: Hiccups, Sarcasm, Impractical, Spoon, Violence

There are moments when one has a good relationship with life and then there are times when life decides it has some lessons it wants to impart.

Sure, one could sit on the couch and eat a tin of caramel with some pancakes, regular cakes, biscuits and/or a spoon and later go on a five hour walk on a balcony that now has an infinity symbol seemingly etched into it and one could look at that spoon with the joys of processed sugar on it and think of the many people they would like to forcefully introduce it to. One could do that. One might have unhappy calves the next day but its an option.

It does however, pose the question of how not to stab someone with a spoon.

Firstly, and importantly for the moment, we are in a pandemic. So, one should realise that if one is close enough to stab someone, one is too close. Step back. And again. Now maybe take a step to the left for good measure.

Now, why was one there to begin with? Should one not be at home? is one working and can’t avoid the victim of ones desires? Tough break, so close and yet so far from ideal. But one has options. One could:

Build a fort- one doesn't have to be an architect or an engineer just put up some barriers and create some distance. Preferably in reality but reality doesn't always allow for that but maybe in ones mind. But never, never in ones heart and soul. No one should have the power to make one retreat into oneself. Find a safe space — the kitchen is normally recommended but that's where the spoons live. Outside? Yes, outside is ones friend, its where the air is. Avoid soup — soup is not ones friend. One could use a straw but not a metal one, they take on temperatures too easily. Maybe one of those bendy earth friendly rubber ones? Honestly, one does not need all that hassle, just avoid soup. Make a new friend — don't just start talking to new people and expand ones circle but make one just for oneself. One could make a cup of something leave it on ones desk. Leave for a moment and return and ask those around who made one a cup of X. Then one could remark, “Oh, it must have been hiccup! Hiccup is just so thoughtful.” People might look at one like one is peculiar but it is perfectly natural to befriend someone called hiccup. Also, people will leave one alone but even when they can’t or won’t things like team meetings are always improved by the presence of a hiccup. If one is desperate befriending an actual human is possibly an option. Acquire citrus- they are fleshy and are suitable spoon receptacles. It might quash the desire to use it on a person. It could be a gateway drug. Use with caution!

Does one still look at the victim of ones desires with eyes like saucers and a murderous aura? Well then it is time to realise that a spoon isn't going to get to one anywhere. What is one going to say, “Hiccup, made me do it”? Who is going to believe one? Think things through. Spoons are for mousse, ice cream and cereal, not people! Seriously not people! Go have some cereal, don't go serial.

How not to stab someone with a spoon? Maybe, just don't.

Ps- number of (some)one/ones= 50 because we were all wondering…