Ten Doctors Who Should Replace Dr. Fauci
By: Carlyn Beccia
Tags: Satire, Society, Advice and Opinion, Health, Humor

HUMOR

Ten Doctors Who Should Replace Dr. Fauci

Other doctors are far more qualified to fight a novel virus

I am tired of Dr. Fauci’s facts, figures, and blatant disregard for our preferred fantasy world. At times like this, we need a doctor to tell us our mangled COVID lung is caused by binging on brie and all those “beautiful tests.” Sure, he might have graduated from some hack school named Cornell. Yes, Yes…you could argue that serving under six Presidents makes him uber qualified to educate a nation. But not when that nation is going through the kind of mental breakdown not seen since Game of Thrones ended.

Then there is Dr. Birx. I am sick of her horrified looks that she tries to hide under her silk scarves. Pull it together, lady! And stop making me feel inferior. I can’t manage to tie the strings on my sweatpants, and this lady looks like a Lane Bryant model. She should be fired for that kind of optimistic color coordination during a pandemic. It’s insensitive.

I have got some solutions. The following doctors would better serve the White House and our battle to tame the Corona beast.

1. Doc Emmet Brown from Back to the Future

Can Dr. Fauci build a time machine out of a DeLorean and go back to 2018? Nope. Does he have the crazed hair and bug eyes? Nope. How about a few quotable witticisms like, “Great Scotts!” and Marty McFly’s “Where are my pants?” Nope. This is why Americans won’t listen to him. He always knows where his pants are. Boring.

2. Dr. Jekyll

Don’t wear masks. Wear Masks. We are on to you, Dr. Fauci. We all know you wanted healthcare workers to have enough masks first. Or…maybe you keep changing your mind when your alter ego takes over. At least Dr. Jekyll had Split Personality Disorder. What’s your excuse? A novel virus that mutates and is utterly unpredictable from moment to moment. Unacceptable.

3. Dr. Strangelove

Every time Dr. Fauci touches his face after he told us NOT to touch our faces…I know the reason. Alien Hand Syndrome. Dr. Strangelove had it too, but he actually knew what to do when tragedy strikes — live in an underground mine where the virus will not penetrate. Dr. Fauci doesn’t have any of these prophylactics. What a hack.

4. Dr. Frankenstein

Dr. Frankenstein brought corpses to life with a few electrical jolts, and some sewn together stolen body parts. And it worked. Dr. Fauci won’t even let us shoot bleach up our arses. Come on. Where’s the imagination? How are we going to beat this thing if we can’t get creative?

5. Dr. Feelgood

John F. Kennedy had Dr. Feelgood shooting him up with amphetamines to get him through the Cuban Missile Crisis. What has poor Trump got to weather this storm? Alcohol? Nope, he doesn’t drink. Adderal? Possibly, but clearly not getting the job done.

And just think…What if every time our leading epidemiologist held a press conference, he entered to a catchy Mötley Crüe tune. “He’s the one they call… Dr. Fauci” won’t cut it. This virus needs a doctor with a theme song.

6. Dr. Dolittle

Dr. Dolittle would give everyone a pet kitten. Then, every time we were about to fight with that crazy anti-vaxxer Facebook friend, we would look at our kitten and go to our happy place.

Sure, our toilet paper supply would become a cat toy but that beats fighting with random strangers.

7. Dr. Sam Bennett (Taye Diggs)

If Taye Diggs tells me to wear a mask and avoid large crowds then I am not only going to listen to him…I am going to stay home and spend the rest of 2020 fantasizing about Taye Diggs ordering me around.

With his threadbare suits and backdrop of overread books, Dr. Fauci simply doesn’t have enough sex appeal. People listen to sexy.

8. Doc Holliday

We need to fight this virus with a few more gangsters. Sure, Trump’s campaign manager, security advisor, policy advisor, and personal lawyer (I might have missed some) are all convicted felons. That’s a start. But how would those cowboys fare at the O.K. Corral? We need a doc who can sling a gun and extract a few teeth. Dr. Fauci doesn’t have the chops.

9. Dr. Ruth

How would Dr. Ruth handle this crisis? She would get the Donald on her couch and start plumbing the depths of his psyche. Forget cognitive tests that measure if you can distinguish a camel from a cat. That’s for crazy people. The Donald isn’t crazy. He just has some deep-seated anger issues and a possible Daddy complex. We need someone to really figure out why Donny’s masculinity is threatened by a mask. A mask is like a condom for your mouth. Dr. Ruth would understand why that is scary for our President.

10. Head Ghostbuster — Peter Venkman, Ph. D.

The problem with COVID is we can’t see the damn bugger. It’s like…a ghost. Which is why we need a doctor that can make ghosts visible. Yes, I know what you are thinking. Testing would make COVID more visible too, but A. Those tests are inaccurate and B. They don’t exist. And this whole article is about dealing with reality. Instead, we need a doc with a proton pack, so we know where this virus is lurking…