I Approve Of Myself!
By: Amruta Joshi
Tags: Illumination, Parenting, Grownups, Acceptance, Approval

I Approve Of Myself!

Photo by Neelam Sundaram on Unsplash

Children are the center of attention in any household. They are so full of life and joy, aren’t they? They are all over the place with their toys and books and clothes and love. Having being born fresh from the divine source their innocence completely steals our hearts. We are renewed in body, mind, and spirit with this brand new avenue of love.

As they continue to grow, the foundation years are the most critical to the self-development of children, the most important ones being till the age of seven. Up until then, their brain waves are theta or delta (sub-conscious) and work in a download or hypnotic state. A tribal instinct of self-preservation is to mimic the behaviors of adults' way of life, assuming it’s the way to be alive and stay alive. A child’s life till seven is quite literal and not yet based on sufficient self reasoning powers.

During this early phase of life, we impart many values and beliefs to them. Some are a part of proper training (how to sit and talk to others), others are absorbed by the child as-is without formal instruction. A mini-me is installed quite quickly. Because the child is still learning, a way to determine if the way they are behaving is as per the parent's expectations, an agreement of approval gets made between the two parties.

Don’t get me wrong. Approval is important. It could be accepted as a simple nod, a loving hug or smile, or a few words such as ‘Yes’ or ‘Alright’. What begins however is the exchange between the child and the world on what is acceptable and what is not. This is designed to benefit the child overall. Even though the child is still literal in its observation, neural networks are forming daily in their brains regardless. These are pathways of approval, that carry them straight into adulthood.

Child: “Can I watch some more tv?”

Parent: “No, you may not. It’s time for bed”

Child: “I want to play with my friend for another hour”

Parent: “No, come on in and finish your homework”

Child: “I wish to eat ice cream”

Parent: “Only if you clean your room”

All the above examples are common and to the child’s benefit. The child doesn’t know that yet. It simply stores Yes/No responses at an early age. Over time firing these responses creates small conclusions in their mind.

This could be :

I will get rewarded (ice cream, playtime) if I do some work in exchange (homework, cleaning)

I will be punished (no tv) if I yell and scream

I can get away with jumping on the bed if no one is looking

These pathways become memorized actions and behaviors which in later life act as the foundation of the personality. It’s a combination of many different responses to stimuli triggered by the billion neurons in our bodies. Ask yourself — Do you eat something when you feel you deserve a pat on the back? Is your preference to go playing when you have done hard work and that could be your reward? Our habits generally point us to these answers.

Brian Tracy quotes (image by AZquotes)

In all this what remains a constant is the outer approval of grown-ups around us to proceed with the next action we wished to take as kids. This need remains with us and continues to either support us or come in our way. The parts of us that feel supported due to approval could be in the form of a well-meaning friend or mentor who understands our career goals. It could be asking your spouse about your appearance in an outfit. Seeking recommendations and advice from family and friends also can give us insights to propel us further.

It’s when this approval is not met, that we start to get restless and uneasy with the outer stimulus. We don’t know how to be when we get rejected. The burden becomes heavy to carry. What we didn’t understand as children, was that these situations were temporary. Sometimes we got ice-creams and sometimes we didn’t. Repetition from caretakers is what determines what will stay in the child’s memory. If the child was scolded every hour likely they see the world that way. Then they intentionally create trouble to seek approval through scolding. Over time the parent’s voice becomes the inner voice of the child. It is loud and clear.

The dismissal comes in many forms. It could be how you felt in a team meeting when the proposal you made got sidelined or when your kid doesn’t want to eat what you made. It might be someone that cuts lanes while driving or a friend who doesn’t understand why you are vegan. We are generally looking for an agreement that maintains peace and harmony. Others won’t always understand where we are coming from, or how we see reality. Yet we secretly crave some acceptance of who we are, what we do, and why it’s so important to us.

Wayne Dyer quotes (image by Amruta Joshi)

Self-approval is an inner pat on the back for all that YOU do for your own joy. You approve of yourself by claiming the power back as yours. This is not an ego-centered self-involved kind of claim. It is saturating yourself in the approval of the very source of Life from which you came into this world. It is knowing that your perspective was so important, that Life gave you a body to express it. You are pre-approved! And your body is proof of it.

Now, after gaining this body whatever you do on the planet, starts falling into the norms of society. We equate this approval in the form of wealth, relationships, possessions, achievements, status, etc, which are all outer world tangible forms of consent. Would anyone like to write a book or make a movie and never have a review, feedback, or comment from someone to know how it was? Can we make a painting and never show it to anyone, keeping it hidden in the closet forever?

Photo by Andrew Seaman on Unsplash

We are the grown-ups now. There might be someone on the outside who will approve of our ideas and beliefs and some others that won’t. The best part of being an adult however is to find that approval within oneself with no outer intervention. Does that mean your boss will accept your proposal? She may still not, however, there is a workaround. And that is — do not take things personally. Their approval may be business-related or money related, but keep striving in your ability to pursue your heart. Their approval of your work, behavior, or actions is not the ultimate judgement of who you are.

We are creative beings, having an umbilical cord connection to the very source of Life. This is fuelling us daily and keeping us physically alive. What keeps us alive in spirit is to keep creating as an extension of where we come from. Whilst it is an incredible feeling to receive that word of praise or appreciation, know that being given a chance to create in itself is the true praise and appreciation. What use would it be to just live in the world of ideas but not have instruments to use? This body and this world are those instruments which source is using through the experience of you to express Itself.

We forget this and instead focus on those in the world for their words of acceptance. The agreement is not between us and the world for approval, it is between Life and us. Life has approved of us to make music, or play sports, or go trekking, or opening a restaurant and hence has planted those wishes in us. Feel your wish in your heart and take the next step. The approvals early on in life were based on physical and emotional security. You know now how things work. You don’t need any further approval. Advice, recommendations, feedback, sure, but nothing that becomes a showstopper for your dreams.

It is ok if your wife doesn’t like your business idea. It is ok if your kid chooses a piano over a football. It is ok to hang the painting on that wall. It is all ok. We suffer in silence sometimes to maintain peace. In turn, we wage a war inside us. And whilst we work through some of this, someone’s outer hard rejection may still hit us in the face. Seek then to approve yourself first and foremost before you approach anyone else. Admire your efforts and your ideas. Praise the progress you have made. Then there is no rejection. Words aren’t sweeter only if someone on the outside speaks those to you. They are the sweetest when whispered between you and Life, which is one and the same thing.

Affirm — ‘I approve of myself’. Write it down for pages and pages until the repetition is etched in your sub-conscious cause that’s where repeated words from caretakers filled your world up as a child. Only you can overwrite those programs. You will know you have done that right when you experience freedom from other’s opinions. Your restlessness will disappear. It will still matter to you to respect other’s views of the world. You will however not hold them responsible for your happiness. You will come happily to the table by yourself. And you will leave the table happily, in the fullness and completeness of who you have always been.