Is This It?
By: Arya Suradinata
Tags: Reflections, Retrospectives, Life, Journal, Mental Health

Been a while since I wrote anything here, and this will probably go down as one of your garden variety “in retrospect” pieces, but here goes…

Gonna put a big ass TRIGGER WARNING (suicidal thoughts/attempt) just to be sensitive. Read on.

2020, what a wild ride it has been. Tons of shit happened, some good, most of it bad. Insane. Absolute insanity. Un-fucking-believable.

To put this into perspective, I ended 2019 with a fucking suicide attempt. Stupid, but it did happen. 2020 was off to a nice start right off the gate. Along the way I got to meet some nice people, and a few were wonderful. Though I lost my job, twice, also lost someone (I thought was) dear to me. What else? Fuck. I can no longer drink as much because my stomach decided I’ve had enough and now it’ll hurt really, really badly every time I drink in excess. Fuck!

Alright, suppose there were some good things to highlight here… let’s see, did little covers of songs I like here and there, one was “properly” mixed, so that’s nice, I suppose. Also got back into fingerboarding and I think it’ll only grow stronger in 2021 but we’ll see. Like I mentioned earlier, I got to know some decent people, which doesn’t happen that often but I always welcome it.

Funny how I thought 2020 was gonna be a good year because it’s 20/20 perfect vision. Ha!

Some of the bad shit that happened this year got me questioning my worth and the value of trust. Has it really gone to shit and that nobody is trustworthy? Just recently a few people I thought I could call my friends unsurprisingly talked shit behind my back and it somehow reached me. I harbor no hatred toward them, just confusion. Don’t even get me started on relationships. I guess I’m better off on my own and just use others for personal gain, but… is it really living?

I remember vividly spending some time in a hotel room just to contemplate what a huge piece of turd I am, or at least how my life has turned out thus far. Then I looked at the towels in the bathroom; boy was it tempting. However, I thought, it’d be these things a) there’s no guarantee it’ll kill me and b) I didn’t wanna trouble the housekeepers. I thought to myself, “Fucking… did I just repeat what happened in December 2019? Idiot.” Then I decided to call a friend.

I’ve no idea why it’s so hard to get what I want. It’s not like I want fortune as vast as Bruce Wayne’s, or marry some fictional 2D character, no. I just want things to “work.” I’ve spent way too much time trying to fix things that in the process a good chunk of myself was just bitten off and now I’m far from whole.

The expected/unexpected keeps on happening that I won’t bee too surprised if we end the year with a fucking zombie apocalypse.

As for myself, got some major plans for 2021. Is 2021 gonna be the year I finally get to live? Who the fuck knows, but I got major fucking plans for it. Maybe you’ll hear from me, maybe you won’t, but I guess if I want you to, you will. In any case, I’m terribly humbled and honored there are good people who genuinely want to help me achieve my goals and genuinely care about my well-being. I’d like to extend my gratitude should any of you are reading this. You’re the best people and therefore deserve the best fucking things in life. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure you do.

I vaguely remember being happy. What I wouldn’t give just to feel it again.

I’m fucking done being a fucking doormat. It’s time I took my power back. I’ll try to find peace and happiness, or, I don’t know, maybe I’ll succeed just as the Big Man Himself descends. Hey, who knows? Christmas spirit, act accordingly!

This piece was first published on my blog, 26/12/2020 at 5-ish AM GMT+7.