Ask Julie: “How Much Sex Is Normal?”
By: Julie Nguyen
Tags: Mental Health, Depression, Relationships, Sex, Dating Advice

Dear Julie,

How do you stay positive? 2020 has derailed a lot of my year. I lost my job, my roommates moved out so I had to relocate to a studio and I gained 30 pounds. I’m in therapy but I feel like I’m whining all the time. My friends are drinking or telling me that I have it good so I shouldn’t stress. I know that I have it good, better than most people have, but I can’t seem to feel better and it’s affecting all of my relationships. I’m trying to find the upside but I’m not seeing it. How can I be optimistic?

~ Looking for the Silver Lining

Dear Looking for the Silver Lining,

Thanks for writing in! Truthfully, I think aspiring to always be optimistic is an impossible and unrealistic state to always live in. To do that, you would be denying yourself of a lot of the other beautiful and necessary emotions that anger, grief, sadness can inspire and give to you. Personally, I used to shy away from the depth or fullness of certain emotions because it felt so overwhelming and intense, but that doesn’t mean it goes away. It just sits underneath the surface, stored away within— invisibly, lurking, accumulating — until something external sets it off and you are forced to confront it later on. Now, I’m more interested in being a healthy witness for my emotional expression and finding peace in whatever feelings arise; being happy, and everything in between.

You’re right that you do have it good in a sense (materially: a roof over your head, running water, electricity) but your feelings are still 100% valid because they are yours. From your letter, you’ve spelled out an unbelievably tough year of immense loss and transition with your break-up, move, and job loss. If you keep waving off your concerns and continually compare it to people who are going through more, it invalidates how you are feeling. You can’t begin to take the time to process and find your way out because you are too busy shaming yourself for having those feelings in the first place.

This year, I was on the cusp of starting my relationship business and I was passionate about my NFP day job working in social impact + tech. I finally felt like I was in a place where I had everything figured out. After the pandemic wrecked my carefully laid plans, I was devastated and became depressed. If the crushing sadness and uncertainty wasn’t already enough, years of emotional and work burnout finally caught up to me. I felt completely unmoored and helpless to do anything, so I let myself wallow. And it was exactly what I needed. As repressed feelings tumbled to the forefront of my consciousness, I honored myself and whatever I needed in my smallest moments. I gave myself permission to rest. I didn’t punish myself for having sad emotions or for making decisions to spend the entire day in bed.

I’m sharing this in the hopes that you know you’re not alone. Even though this past year has been incredibly dark, I allowed myself to go through my breakdown instead of distracting myself from it. It was super tough but I’m all the better for it. I deepened friendships and connections that welcomed radically vulnerable and transparent conversations where I didn’t have to hide anything. I got rid of the things I used to use to deflect away from my emotions. I rooted my sense of worth to myself internally, instead of attaching it to something external. I’m finally feeling happier, more grounded, and resilient enough to rebuild. When I backtrack, which still happens often, I don’t beat myself up for it. I let myself feel whatever comes up and then move on when I’m ready.

If you see your struggles as whining or complaining, it’s not going to shift you towards growth, it’s only stopping you from being vulnerable and being there for yourself in whatever way you need it (as long as it’s healthy and in moderation, of course.) Let us not forget that all of this is happening against the backdrop of a pandemic, political angst, and potential societal collapse too! Honestly, I would be more concerned if you were just cruising along. Your friends want the best for you, but engaging in emotional avoidance with things like drinking or telling you to cheer up and only strive for positivity isn’t a good long-term solution. There is nothing to fix, your emotions are valid. Surround yourself with people who can hold space for you. Allow yourself to be messy, I promise to the right people it won’t feel like too much. Keep going to therapy, it’ll slowly start to click. Get it all out there and let your body guide you in what you need, have that be your North Star as you heal. We have to be okay being a blob on the couch or crying because we are sad and sometimes, we just really, really need it.