Grief: The Inevitable Emotional Turmoil
By: Ifeoma Iheagwara
Tags: Loss, Grief, Emotional Intelligence, Grief And Loss, Life

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break — William Shakespeare (Macbeth)

I

Grief is a funny and strange thing. It is an inescapable feeling we all will experience at countless points in our seemingly short lives. At just 23, I often find myself astonished at the loss I have experienced over the years and the realization that we are all forced to understand the fragility of humanity at an early age.

II

The impact losing a loved one has on the psyche of a growing child is unfathomable. At an early age, they become aware that the lifespan of a human being is not dependent on the number of years they live but the circumstances they find themselves in. While most people extend their brief condolences and wipe the tears off the face of a grieving child, they often neglect the impact it has mentally and emotionally on that child.

III

Over the years, I have met people who suffered the loss of a parent or sibling at an early age, and one common question these different individuals seek an answer to is “What would life be like if they had lived?”; an unanswerable question that will haunt them till the end. Each time that question is asked, I find myself lost for words, and I get disappointed in my inability to grant them the answer they long to hear. Recently I learnt to not speak on it, how could I? For though I had experienced familial loss at an early age, I was not mature enough to truly understand the implications as the relationship was at best distant. I would and could never understand the pain they endure.

IV

I remember a text message I received the morning we laid my cousin to rest. In a misguided bid to be funny, the individual wrote, “my condolences on the passing of your cousin, I hope you didn’t cry”. I looked at the message in disbelieve and with mild disgust, but to be courteous and not entertain any further communication, I replied with a single heart emoji and then I went offline. In a twisted way, I understood their intention was not to annoy but to amuse me, but in all sincerity, while I understood, I also found it to be tactless. Emotional intelligence is a trait we often neglect or disregard. We often think that being perceived by others as humorous is an admirable quality forgetting that humour without tact speaks more on our emotional intelligence and less on our ability to make others laugh. It takes an emotionally intelligent individual to understand that you can be perceived as insensitive if you try to be funny when consoling a bereaved.

V

There is no normal grieving process, though everyone expects you to handle grief in a more mature fashion when you are an adult. You are required to take it in stride and not become unhinged by the loss you are forced to now endure. While it is natural to cry, society constantly reminds us that not controlling our emotions, especially in public, is considered weak. We are trained from a young age to accept and move on after receiving gracious condolences from others.

VI

There is a particular danger that comes with logically justifying the loss of a loved one. I used to do this when I was younger. Rather than accepting the loss I had faced, I tried to understand and justify the circumstances that incurred it. On paper, this may seem like an effective albeit misguided way to grief, but as I later learnt, it is not. It pushes the ideology that there was a reason for that loss. Sometimes, there is no reason. Sometimes people die. We do not need to understand why, but we need to accept it. In my opinion, justifying loss denies reality, and it is a misguided way to escape the inevitable emotional turmoil.

VII

Grief begets fear and clarity. You become more aware of your mortality, and as you get older, you constantly worry that you may lose the memories you have of the ones you have lost. These fears make us immortalize ourselves in letters and stories, art, pictures and films.

Personally, the idea that I could become a nameless, faceless and forgotten entity scares me more than my mortality. It is why I refuse to subject myself to a lifestyle deemed acceptable by society and why I refuse to stand in the shadows for the rest of my mortal life.

The world will keep moving long after you are gone, but the works and the impact you leave behind will ensure your name lives forever.