From The Heart 1: The most important thing I learned about myself in 2019
By: Reverse Monkey
Tags: Introspection, Love, Diary, Relationships, Personal Growth

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

2019 was quite a transformational year for me. It is by far the year with the most consequential changes and milestones in my life so far. Just to name a few of those: I finally got my German citizenship, quit my corporate job (and become unemployed :p), left Munich — the city I lived in for 7 years — for good, got rid of most of my belongings (all my staff could fit in 2 suitcases) and took a leap into the unknown with no concrete plan for the future (something that still bothers me a lot).

In the midst of all of this loosely structured chaos, and thanks to the new experiences I was living, I found myself digging deeper and deeper into my soul, learning subtler and subtler things about who I really am once stripped naked of all the fake layers I have been wrapping myself into during my 30 years of existence on this earth. If you’ve read some of my previous articles, you probably know what I am talking about. If you didn’t (and don’t feel like doing it :p), no worries because, in this post, I will share with you the most important insight I learned about myself, a realization that was so unexpected it literally shook my being and almost got me crying. I will get to this later ;)

But, before getting there, let me give you more context…

During the last couple of weeks, I started a new series of deep introspections to revisit some aspects of myself and my life: My character, my strengths, my weaknesses, my aspirations, my dreams, my fears… And one of the major topics was my values. I actually rarely reflect on my values because I thought that I knew them pretty well and there is nothing to gain from over-analyzing that aspect of myself further. But a couple of days ago, I stumbled across a model — a series of introspective questions called the Demartini Value Determination Process— that helps you find and determine your top values. Since I am a nerd of such psychological models, I found myself digging deeper into the subject and ended up applying the model to myself.

After I finished reflection on and answering all the questions, I started taking a look at my results. In the beginning, I wasn’t that surprised since the first values that popped up were those I already knew about myself, like Movement, Growth, Authenticity, Freedom & Wisdom. But then, as I continued analyzing the results, an unexpected one started making a strong appearance. By the end of the process, this last value jumped high enough in the list of my identified values to be ranked 3rd (after growth and movement). Here I am talking about emotional connectedness and Love.

Knowing that a couple of months ago, I used to say (and I did actually buy into the story fully) that I am emotionally cold and that values like empathy, compassion and love didn’t talk to me at all, coming to a conclusion that love is one of my deepest values was a real emotional shock, a pleasant one though. I remember that I had to pause for a moment to let this new piece of insight sink in (I am literally getting goosebumps now that I am writing about this). I started breathing heavily. My eyes started becoming watery. And I felt an urge to cry (but didn’t — I think that deep down I am still blocking some of my emotions…).

After a couple of seconds, I started to remember how I used to be quite emotionally sensitive when I was a kid, some episodes when I felt really hurt when I felt that I am losing some emotional connection with someone I loved… how at some point during my childhood, I decided subconsciously to shut my emotions up, burring down my longing for love deep down in the darkest corners of my soul, how I kept fighting during the years to not let this value of mine resurface again… how somehow something got unlocked during the last couple of months that helped me feel glimpses of authentic and pure love again, how I recently started to let myself deepen my connections with other (well ok, I admit that those who jumped into my head first were a bunch of inspiring girls that I met during my trip and to whom I felt genuinely attracted), and how painful it was to let go and part ways with them (still talking about those girls :p)…

Anyway, long story short, honestly for me this realization is by far the pinnacle of insights I learned about myself during the last year. Now that a new year has started, I’ve already decided and committed that I will put more energy and focus into developing this aspect of myself and nurturing this dear and forgotten value of mine further.

And to wrap up this first article in my new ‘From The Heart’ series, let me tell you from my personal experience: