Ungentlemanly Behaviors 1: Violation
By: Rishi Jones
Tags: Rape, Healing From Trauma, Metoo, Sexuality, Restorative Justice

Trigger Warning: This writing includes a story of sexual violation. Please only read further, if you feel safe and willing to relate with such content.

One night four and a half years ago, I made a terrible mistake. I interacted with a substance in a new way, violated another human being, and caused my own life to change in ways I had never imagined. I wish to share this story publicly, to take full responsibility and ownership for my story and the mistake I made. I would like to share about the growth I have been committed to, more deeply than ever, over the past four years. I believe that healing is possible, no matter what has happened in the past, and I believe I can serve in some small way, as a symbol of hope for those struggling with crushing shame and devastating mistake-making, just as I once was.

So here is what happened…

In July 2016, I bought cocaine for the first time in my life. I had experienced it before, in small amounts in festive settings, but I had never had my own personal access to it. Over the course of my life, I have had beautifully expansive experiences with plant medicines such as marijuana, psilocybin, and ayahuasca — though I had never really felt drawn to “darker” mind-altering substances, like cocaine. I found myself buying it (this one and only time), from a place of convenient opportunity, rather than active seeking. One day when I was visiting my marijuana supplier, he let me know that he had access to some high quality cocaine, and on a whim, I decided to make a purchase.

I did a few lines that first night, to try it out. On the next night, I did a few more. And on the next night, I was at it again. I quickly realized that I was interacting with this substance in an addictive way, but I was not sure now to stop myself. On the 4th night after making the purchase (and using every day), I had a date with a lover. She recoiled from me during sex that night, because she could feel that something was different or “off,” with me. She didn’t know I had been taking cocaine for the past 4 days, but her body could feel that I was not my normal self, that a monstrous and unfamiliar energy was present. What I know now, and didn’t know then, was that cocaine is like novocaine for the soul. It numbs our anxiety (which is why people love it), but it also numbs our empathy and attunement with others (leading us to make very different decisions than we would otherwise make).

After 6 days of being on this substance, I had plans to attend a very conscious (sexual) play party. I had been engaged with communities of this kind for over a decade, and I had even hosted some events myself (with a past lover), so this scene was nothing new to me. I knew how to relate in a clear and consensual way in this setting. I may have been a bit awkward at times, but I was always a respectful and welcome participant at play parties — up until this night, when everything changed…

Due to the substance I chose to be on, this night would be different from all of the others. I made a mistake I can never take back, though it all began with an innocent mutual attraction.

When I arrived at the play party, I was already high on cocaine. A beautiful woman caught my eye, and from the way she was looking back at me, I could tell the attraction was mutual. We moved toward each other, and started engaging in some light (and consensual) sexual play. Next, we decided to spend some time on the dancefloor. After moving to the music together, we transitioned again, this time toward one of the bedrooms. We found an empty room, laid down together, and began undressing. We were both high on substances at the time, and I noticed that she started fading in and out of consciousness, as were engaging intimately. At this point, we had not yet had penetrative sex, though this possibility still interested me.

I wanted to know if this was something we both wanted, so I whispered to her, “Would you like me inside of you?” Though she did not respond verbally, her body moved in a sensual and inviting way. In my altered state, I interpreted her movement as body language that meant “Yes.” I understand, from a place of clear-mindedness, that this was a grave error on my part. I wishfully connected the dots to form a “yes,” instead of waiting to receive a verbal “yes” before proceeding, which is what I had always done before.

In my world of false perception, I thought that moving forward was welcome, so I put on a condom, and began having penetrative sex with this woman. When this began, she spoke through her foggy state, and asked me if I was wearing a condom, to which I truthfully replied “yes.” At the time, I took this verbal interaction as further confirmation that she was aware of what was happening, and wanting it to happen (as long as we were using protection, which we were). Soon after these words were exchanged, she drifted back into a sleepy semi-conscious state. (She later said that she does not recall this communication about the condom, but I fully remember this exchange happening.)

I was wrongfully had sex with this woman for a several minutes. We stopped when a friend of hers, who could feel that this situation was not right, entered the room. The woman I was engaging with woke up from her foggy state, got dressed, and left the room with very little communication.

The next day, the party facilitator called me, and said that I had raped this woman at the party. He wanted to know my side of the story, so I openly shared everything I remembered with him. He said that he would speak with the council (the group of people who manage these events and the issues that can arise within them), and that further action would be taken toward improving the safety of this space.

When I got off of the phone, I walked directly to the bathroom with the little bag of cocaine, and flushed it down the toilet. I have not touched this substance since then, and I never will. While I do not “blame” cocaine for the violation I committed, I do believe that it was a major factor, and that this night would have gone differently, if I had not been high on cocaine.

A few days later, I received a letter from the party facilitator. He was requesting that I write a letter to the community, confessing what I had done. I wrote this letter, and it was shared with the entire community through their facebook group. At this point, I had already been removed from the facebook group (in response to the major violation), so I was not able to personally see the reactions and comments of members, though the facilitator shared some of the comments with me — a few of them being appreciative of the transparency, and many of them expressing anger, hurt, and fear in response to what happened.

Originally, a plan formed for the woman I violated and myself to have a restorative justice meeting, a year or so after the violation occurred. When this time came, the woman involved decided that she did not wish to relive the event, and chose not to go through with the meeting. This woman and I have had no direct contact since the night of the violation (per her request), though with consent, I have sent messages to her boyfriend at the time (now husband), documenting the steps I was taking in an honest effort to heal and change. I am grateful to share that the woman involved received tremendous support from the community, and she later reported that she wasn’t carrying any residual trauma from the incident. In 2017, she made a post on facebook, thanking the people who supported her through the “mildly upsetting” events of the previous year. I feel deeply grateful to the community for taking such good care of her that it ended up being only mildly upsetting for her. Most women who are violated don’t experience anywhere near that level of care, so let’s work to create a new norm, of full support for all victims of sexual abuse. I hope to someday have the opportunity to apologize to her in person, though it will always be up to her, whether or not we interact in any way.

At this time, my girlfriend of nine years (with whom I was in an open relationship) told me that she could no longer be with me, because of what I had done. We had already been drifting apart for some time, and this horrible event served as the catalyst for our separation. The terrible mistake I made ended the most beautifully profound relationship I had ever had with another human being. Thankfully, we were able to complete the relationship with love and appreciation, and we are still friends to this day.

This is when my true healing journey began. Over the past few decades, I had engaged with many kinds of transformational work (such as The Landmark Forum, and various men’s circles), though I had not worked directly with healers and/or therapists. With the desire to grow and change, I decided to start seeing a psychologist who specializes in healing with the assistance of plant medicines. Doing this inner work forced me to surrender in a way that my ego previously wouldn’t let me. Over the years between that tragic night and today, I have worked with licensed therapists, addiction specialists, shamanic healers, somatic bodyworkers, and various other kinds of energy healers — all with the intention of getting to the core of my wounding, and making foundational changes in order to be a safe, respectful, empathic, and trustable human being and community member.

What I discovered, while doing this deep internal excavation work, was that I was carrying a great deal of unacknowledged (and therefore unresolved) sexual shame. Growing up as a math and science geek, I spent all of my time in my mind figuring things out — all the while being disconnected from my body, and very unaware of how to relate with others. I navigated relating from a head space, not a heart space, and what I didn’t know for most of my life, was that my lack of embodiment caused people to feel less than comfortable in my presence, because on some level they could feel that I was “in my own (mental) world,” and not truly present in the moment and in my body, which is where connection happens.

Over time, this healing work allowed me to regain my sovereignty and wholeness on a fundamental level. My interactions with others are now more intuitively compassionate and attuned than I had ever been capable of previously. I now truly understand that we are all wounded, and that we each have the honor and responsibility of getting to know our own wounding, so that we may heal and become the integrated, embodied selves we are meant to be.

With immense gratitude for the healers and therapists who have worked with me over the past four years, I’ve learned how to be present in my body, and be a better human being. l could not have walked this healing path without the loving support of close friends and family. I will forever be indebted to you. I am also very thankful to Brene Brown, who was a guiding angel through my swamp of (what for a time felt like) endless shame. Her work helped me to navigate that territory, particularly her teaching that says, “If you own this story you get to write the ending.” I am choosing to take full responsibility for my story, and the harmful impact I have had on others, so that I can write an ending that is far more beautiful than the beginning or middle.

These days, I experience true sovereignty and joy, on levels that were unimaginable to me just four years ago. While I will always feel remorse for the harm I caused, I am deeply grateful that this tragic event served as a catalyst for me to take healing seriously, invest in getting help, and (over time) become a more attuned, and aware person, who feels at home in his own skin. I know from my own experience, that it is completely possible for us human beings to heal ourselves. I have learned that healing is not about fixing what is “broken” or “wrong” with us, but about optimizing the vehicle that the divine spark within each of us can travel within. We each have the opportunity and responsibility to give the divine in each of us the best experience of being embodied. I will continue to do my best, each and every day, to acknowledge, take responsibility for, and heal my wounding, while also taking moments to pause, love myself, and give thanks for how far life has given me the opportunity to come.