Regret or Proud?
By: Shachi Kaul
Tags: Pride, Indian Army, Women Empowerment, Sacrifice, Patriotism

Far away from the loud horns and beeps of hustling and bustling engines on the road, we love to enjoy the buzzing of glow worms and amazing calmness in the air. Under the silvery shades of moonlight shower, walking with my love barefooted, feeling the velvety cool grass beneath, I cherish these moments. Her sparkling seductive intense gaze, perfect shape lips, long hair resting on her shoulders, and sweet innocent childish smile always cease to paralyze me. I could feel a strange ‘magic’ around her. Distracting me from her admiration, she said in a saddened voice-“Honey, I will be leaving tomorrow”. Hearing and realizing our separation again for the unknown months, my world becomes upside down. I anxiously whispered-“Is it so compulsory for tomorrow, Ana?” She replied while giving are-you-mad looks, “Ofcourse love, it is not my private job”. “I am not working only for us. I work for my country, serving my people. That’s what I’ve dreamt and desired for as always. I aspired to fly high and see what I have become now A FIGHTER PLANE PILOT “, she said enthusiastically in one breath with all her glittering intoxicating eyes. She beamed with joy. Her beauty hypnotizes me, almost pierces my heart. I nod in pride, placing my hand around her waist, pulling her closer, and whisper in her ears- “I love you”. Energetically she reciprocates, hugs me tight, her arms around my neck almost choking my throat, then framing her lips to say something, but abruptly a strange harsh voice interrupted us-“Tejas, Wake up! Watch the time! Are you taking a leave for today? ”

Opening my eyes in shock and bewilderment, I found myself wrapped in a bedsheet. I glanced around, tried to grasp my whereabouts. The color drained from my face, wet with tears and sweat, my heart was hammering too loudly against my ribs like a plastic rubber band. I was shaking and trembling from head to foot. All of a sudden, adrenaline rushes to made me realize that it is the exact DREAM I see frequently.

Checking the clock, knowing that I am already late for my job but still uprooted at the spot. Usually, my heart used to be heavy like everyday, but the weight of this dream is always unbearable. Tears flooded over my cheeks when nostalgia hits me hard. Exact this dream happened in ‘reality’ last year. Exact those situations, that calmness in the air and our conversation I still remember it so clearly as if happened just yesterday.

I tried to recollect all the memories of my wife, Ana. She’s a perfect statue of bravery, patriotism, modesty and kindness. But patriotism was pre-dominantly in her blood. I remember that night when we had a fight for joining the Indian Air Force.

Me: Why do you want to work if I am working for our living, Ana?

Ana: What do you mean “if I am working for our living”? I too want to work, not for our lives but others’ lives too!

Me: (Confused) Hold on! “Other’s living too” means?

Ana: Tejas, I want to join the Indian Air Force. I want to become a Pilot Officer. Want to realize my dream in real.

Me: (Astonished) Joining the Indian Air Force! Where’s the point of joining the Air Force, Ana? It is the highest risky profession. For god’s sake, I can’t risk your life.

Ana: Tejas, please. I want to serve our nation. I agree that it is a damn risky profession, but protecting my people and serving in an emergency situation is my spirit’s intention to live. In my entire life, this is what I have dreamt about, about paying my tribute to our martyrs. I want to fly high, very high. You know what, a strange sensation flows within me whenever I see our hoisted National flag. It is not a tattered piece of silk cloth, Tejas. It is a symbolic meaning of our freedom, pride and a symbol of the sacrifice our martyrs gave. It’s not the money I want to work for. Can I be a bit selfish for not focusing only on us but rather on the nation, Tejas? Please?

After hearing all this, I baffled. Baffled about what she just said. Did she mean to achieve her dream or an excuse to leave me? Left with no words. Should I regard her respect towards our nation or just become selfish and deny her proposal? How can I approve this even after knowing that most probably the ultimate destination could be death! O My wife! My Ana! My Lovely Ana! Thoughts started scrambling up in my mind, haphazardly. (Ana was inspecting deeply my eyes, trying to make out the decision I would say.)

I glanced at her for a minute and for the first time, I saw a strange, unusual spark in her eyes I have ever seen. Holding my breath, I sighed and whispered, “Yes”.

Ana: O baby! You are the best hubby. I am proud of myself for choosing YOU as my life partner, my love. I love you! She beamed and hugged me so tightly, almost cracking my rib cage.

That morning I couldn’t stop myself from crying when she left for joining with all her shine. We both were living happily thereafter. She used to come twice a year, which those precious moments we live to our fullest. Life was going silky and smooth like butter. I was engaged in my private job while Ana was having training for flying a fighter plane. Life was drifting smoothly until one day when I was tired after the day’s hardwork, sipping a hot coffee and switched the news on TV.

Breaking News on every news channel was flashing on the screen,

“Disturbances on LOC border! Red Alert for WAR!”

I was watching with an icy surge of terror when another flashing headline appeared,

“Fighter plane pilot, Ana K. flying ‘Mikoyan MiG-29’ sacrificed her life after smashing 5 Pakistan’s fighter planes, Thunder in air-in-air attack.”

A feel of horror was rising like bile in my throat and everything around became still that I could hear only the loud violent rhythms of my heart. My world stopped spinning. I became pale and colorless in such a sudden shock. I stood rooted to the spot with my bulging unbelievable eyes fixing on a TV screen. It was like either I’d lost my mind or this news channel was joking. I couldn’t believe it! O My wife! My Ana! My Lovely Ana! Now I will never be able to see her childish smile, glittering eyes and her playful actions again. My eyes shocked in terror, mouth dried. I yelled blowing all the air out of my lungs, but couldn’t hear my own words. O My wife! My Ana! My Lovely Ana!

Though she died, a piece of me died along with her, too. A year has been passed after her glorious death, but still this question clouds my mind. Should I REGRET or PROUD of my decision taken that day to let her join the Air Force? No! I am firm in my decision. No regret! I made the best and perfect decision. After all, this’s what she desired. Her dream about serving the martyrs’ visions and nation till her last breath and that’s what she did. A death in pride! I remember Ana always quoting while giggling —

Life must be large! Not long! C’mmon Tejas, I don’t want to die before dying.”

Eyeing her beautiful photograph hanging on the wall, I said, “I am proud of you, Ana. You are my hero and will always be.” Soldiers guarding the borders in every extreme situation are not the angels sent by God, but just like us having their beloved families. But their brave heart with selflessness, patriotism and determination for maintaining peace and harmony in the country spot them out of the crowd. The only selfless people who unconditionally love their country. And I can proudly say that my wife, Ana was one of them.

I stood, dashed tears from my eyes, wiped my nose with the back of my hand, and made my way to the regular schedule of my work.