Should parents raise their baby gender neutral?
By: Kayden Gould
Tags: LGBTQ, Transgender, Parenting, LGBT, Baby

Some parents are open-minded to the idea of expanding the societal notions of gender norms. One of these different parenting styles includes not telling friends and family their new baby's sex or gender. The parents would refer to the baby by their name and they or them pronouns instead of he or she.

I interviewed two people I know who are LGBT and parents of young kids under the age of 10. Alex, a transgender dad said “We raise him with male pronouns but not to “normal” male standards. He just turned 5, we teach him that toys are just toys and it’s okay to express yourself. If he asks, we paint his nails, let him do makeup, he’s got some feminine clothes, and he’s very into expressing himself. We don’t force him into anything, we just simply support him in whatever he decides.”

Jaxx, another transgender dad said, “I currently raise my child as “male” but without forced gender constructs. For example, I refer to him as a boy but he is allowed to like and have whatever he wants (ex: pink cups, unicorn toys, princess things, etc). I don’t teach him that “this is for boys/girls” as long as something is age safe he can have anything he wants. I use he/him pronouns for him but when he gets old enough to talk and if he asks me to do differently I will do so. I originally wanted to raise him gender-neutral and with they/them pronouns but it became really difficult to do so with me being one of the only people willing to enforce that.

When I asked Jaxx about parents that don’t use gendered pronouns for their kid he said, “I have all the respect in the world for parents who raise their children non-binary until their child decides how they want to identify.”

Although the parents I interviewed agreed that genderless parenting of their kids was ok, not everyone agrees with this. An article on Vocal Media called “Why Gender neutral parenting shouldn’t exist” Camari Rosethorn, the author, states that “The child’s peers will see them as different and an outcast, and whenever someone is different in any way, others cannot understand them and see them as an easy target to bully. Parents raising their children are so fixated in their ideas that they cannot see that their child will be bullied and that this can lead to their child being miserable and lonely. Do these parents not see this, and do they really want this for their child?” She continues to go on with statistics about how bullying affects children.

I asked Jaxx to react to the quote from the article about bullying. His reply, “All children are different. Whether a child identifies as non-binary, gender-fluid, cisgender, or trans doesn’t change the fact that at some point in their life one of their peers are going to bully them about something. Parents allowing their children to find themselves without forcing gender constructs on them is not what is going to ’cause their child to be miserable’. How about instead of focusing on ‘letting your child be themselves is a bad idea because then they will get bullied’, we focus on ‘start teaching your child to not be a bully’. Why focus on changing who a child is, when you can focus on changing the bad behavior of a child instead? I will be damned if someone tries to make me feel like it’s my fault that my child is being bullied for allowing them to be themselves. The problem isn’t my child or how I raise my child, the problem is the bully and their choice of how they treat others. If you want to look at someone’s parenting style, maybe look at the one who is teaching their child to not be accepting of those that are different.”

When I asked Alex to look over the quote from the article he had a similar thing to say, “While I don’t necessarily believe in raising them without pronouns, I do agree on letting them decide in their own time and choosing themselves how they play, dress, and act. I believe that all you should do is decrease the importance in unnecessary gender stereotypes. The whole “boys wear blue, girls wear pink” crap. Children are children and should be able to express themselves without the need for labels and insecure adults to correct them.”

As a transgender individual myself I definitely believe that keeping an open mind is important and nothing should be forced on a child. I feel like this is an acceptable way to parent, although I am not a parent myself. I like what my friends had to say about their parenting styles. When I have kids I will also follow a laid back approach to gender.