America Hates Male Abuse Victims
By: A. Joshua W.
Tags: Malignant Narcissism, Male Victims, Domestic Abuse, Malignant, Narcissism

We say we want men to be honest & vulnerable… so why do we punish them when they are?

Photo by Amirr Zolfaqari on Unsplash

(TW: mentions of domestic abuse & rape)

Ask heterosexual women what qualities they most desire in a man, and the list will probably include traits such as kindness, honesty, emotional sensitivity, compassion, confidence, & vulnerability. Modern women often express a desire to be able to be fully authentic in their relationship, to be free to express their opinions & preferences, without their partner feeling threatened or insecure. With near-ubiquitous experiences throughout their lives of being invalidated, talked down to, & objectified by men, held to impossible expectations & hypocritical double standards, it is easy to understand why women care about being seen & validated by a partner who accepts her for who she is, does not attempt to control or limit her, and is not intimidated by her individuality, her sexuality, & her femininity. While there may be no expectation for him to provide for her basic needs, most women are likely to say they appreciate a man who is financially stable, hard-working, & responsible, not cheap or miserly, and possesses generosity, charity, & the ability to contribute to their joint social & economic status.

These are not unreasonable expectations, and they stand as a testament to the strength & courage of women who refuse to settle for a mate upon whom their full potential would be squandered. So why, then, is it so difficult to find men who can meet them?

To understand one potential reason, I think it’s essential to consider the potential risks & negative consequences of being kind, honest, sensitive, generous, & vulnerable. A man who has these traits must also have strong boundaries to avoid being susceptible to female narcissists, opportunists, & abusers — which, as we will re-visit later, do exist. Unfortunately, men tend to have less experience with relationships, and those with a lack of experience in dealing with disordered individuals are often no match for the charm & charisma of a skilled manipulator. In the same way intelligent, successful, & capable women can find themselves ensnared by a cunning & manipulative sociopath who appears perfect at first but gradually lets the mask slip more & more over the years, it is also possible for educated, strong, & competent men to be similarly deceived. Sharing these experiences is extremely difficult for men, and if they do — much like women being shamed for exhibiting the very sexuality which men desire — men can end up being shamed for demonstrating the qualities which women desire.

It is exemplified by the woman who refuses to date a man after he admits to being a survivor of childhood abuse, explaining, “If he could not defend himself, how could he protect me & our children?”

It is apparent in the way men are treated by police & domestic violence services when they reach out for help: if they are not mocked or accused of being the perpetrator, they are simply ignored or told nothing can be done, causing the very experience of reaching out to become a source of re-traumatization. (1) Eventually, they give up and do the best they can to endure the abuse; many turn to drugs, alcohol, or develop unhealthy coping mechanisms.

It is seen in the lack of services for & insensitive treatment of male sexual assault survivors (imagine television & media constantly treating women being raped as a joke — are men supposed to feel any different about the most intimate & brutal violation a human being can experience?), the subpar treatment of our (predominantly male) veterans; the apathy & disdain we hold for the homeless (70% male), prisoners (93% male), & “addicts” (whom I prefer to refer to as people chronically using alcohol or drugs as a way to cope with the pain of past unhealed trauma and/or as a substitute for a present unmet emotional need, of which men are roughly twice as likely to abuse drugs or alcohol in this fashion). (2)

To be a victim in America is to be weak, and while it is socially acceptable to have compassion for women, a weak man is scorned, ostracized, & condemned.

There is a strong insistence that domestic abuse is a gendered crime; one committed by men against women. This opinion has been represented as fact, in popular culture & media, in books & in laws, to the point where it can be found in the highest levels of government, academia, & law enforcement, and even written into the terminology we use (Battered Women Syndrome, women’s shelters, the Violence Against Women Act) and the acceptable use of pronouns when writing about domestic abuse (if every article on parenting used the pronoun “she” when talking about bad habits demonstrated by a parent, and “he” when describing the child, would this not give a non-gendered issue the social appearance of one over time?). Similarly, the incidence of false accusations of abuse has been claimed to be so rare that it is essentially a non-possibility; this has been accepted as fact & repeated by domestic violence services for years, to the point where questioning the truthfulness of a woman who accuses a man of abuse is seen as politically incorrect, victim-blaming, or misogynistic. However, as more data continues to be collected & our understanding of the complexities of domestic abuse increases, it is becoming increasingly obvious that there are many more men who are victims of abuse & false accusations than we previously believed.

“The whole sort of feminist view of every form of domestic violence has so permeated the way we think in this country. It’s factually incorrect but it is accepted as gospel, everywhere.” (Don Dutton, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of British Columbia)

This isn’t meant to disparage feminism, nor suggest women are at fault or in any way “cause” men to be abusive; women are never responsible for men’s despicable behavior under any circumstances. Rather, my goal is to illuminate how the emotional & financial abuse of men by women goes unrecognized & unpunished, thus contributing to the appearance of a gendered issue because of how we define “abuse” around physical violence, and indirectly contributes to the problem of misogyny (as well as the physical & sexual abuse of women and the difficulty women experience in finding high-value men) by shaming & devaluing the men who embody the traits previously mentioned, causing many of these men to either remove themselves from the dating pool, or draining from them these good qualities & leaving them bitter & resentful — ”carriers” of the “virus” of abuse who are primed to buy into, support, and spread sexist & hateful beliefs. It may seem far-fetched or even contradictory in some ways, but for women to reduce the number of sexist & abusive men and increase their chances of finding the type of man they desire, I believe they should focus upon supporting & recognizing male abuse victims & calling out female perpetrators, acknowledging the prevalence of false accusations & the severity of the damage they cause, and dismantling the stereotype that “real” domestic abuse involves actual threats or harm to one’s physical safety. If we as a society elevate the level of respect we have for the emotional experiences of men, stand up for them when they are suffering inside, and cease ignoring or rationalizing abusive behavior in women, we will have fewer abusive men in America, and more men who will not hesitate to stand up for women in return.

At first glance, it may seem ridiculous or even insulting to imply that the emotional abuse of men by women is somehow equal or related to the problem as the physical abuse of women by men, but please approach this idea with an open mind, and I will do my best to explain my opinion on the link between emotionally-abused men & physically-abused women.

Men often do not recognize when they are being emotionally abused; no one warns them of this possibility, explains what it is (and what it is not), or teaches them about the warning signs. Furthermore, the gravity & significance of emotional abuse is downplayed, even turned into a joke: the nagging, responsible wife & the incompetent, screw-up husband. This has the effect of trivializing it as an issue, as our reactions to male victims of emotional abuse are based upon our perceptions & beliefs rather than on the terrible reality. We do not bother to take them seriously — which is an extremely humiliating & demeaning experience for a man. Despite the overwhelming scientific evidence of the serious harm caused by emotional abuse, the laws in America only safeguard physical safety. It is easy to dismiss emotional abuse as less serious as physical abuse; it is also wrong. Both types destroy lives and perpetuate generational trauma, elevating the likelihood of being a future victim or perpetrator of abuse. (3)

“I have yet to see a serious act of violence that was not provoked by the experience of feeling shamed and humiliated, disrespected and ridiculed, and that did not represent the attempt to prevent or undo that ‘loss of face’ — no matter how severe the punishment, even if it includes death.” (James Gilligan, former Director of the Center for the Study of Violence at Harvard Medical School)

A man being emotionally abused by his partner has no allies. There is no legal recourse; while on paper men have the same legal rights as women, requests for restraining orders will be seen by the judge as a sign of his weakness or as an attempt by him to harass & control her, and judges are wary of the potential public backlash from penalizing a woman who is going through a divorce or engaged in a conflict with a former lover — the last thing any judge wants to do is come down on the wrong side of a personal conflict should it later come to light that the man is guilty of criminal behavior and the woman was unjustly imprisoned.

Assuming he is telling the truth, sooner or later he will realize that his honesty works against him in a court system which rarely enforces consequences for perjury or false accusations. In family law, some degree of dishonesty is practically expected, so judges learn to believe about half of what each person is saying; however, if one person is being completely honest and the other constantly fabricates & manipulates the truth, then half the truth is thrown out and half the lies are believed. Men consistently report not being listened to or taken seriously by police & the courts and are often assumed to be guilty from the start, simply because it is more congruent with stereotypical perceptions of gender to see men as aggressors and women as victims. False allegations carry both financial & emotional consequences, with false convictions often resulting in the loss of his job, as well as future employment opportunities, leading to a diminished sense of self-worth, purpose, & motivation, and leaving a permanent stain upon his character that even a formal exoneration does not fully erase. (4) Even if he is not convicted, having the charges appear on his record and his arrest printed in the local newspaper can cause problems & limitations in his professional & personal life, intense shame & embarrassment, withdrawal from social activities, and the development or exacerbation of anxiety, depression, & other mental health issues.

The destruction of a man’s financial resources, professional reputation, & employability is also not something that should be taken lightly: a job represents not only a source of income, but of purpose & meaning, and significantly contributes to one’s mental well-being, self-esteem, & personal identity. The effects of financial abuse are felt on a number of levels: the devaluation of the time & effort invested to acquire one’s position, assets, & reputation; the reduced ability to provide for loved ones, dependents, & sick or aging family members; the diminished perception of one’s value as a potential romantic partner; and the closing of doors & potential opportunities, some of which might never open up again. Loss of employment is associated with a higher risk of depression, substance abuse, and suicide — in fact, the impact upon the risk of suicide is nine times greater for losing a job than the impact of living through a global economic recession. Anyone who spends some time listening to the stories of divorced men will testify that the feeling of their emotions being unimportant and their value being reduced to a dollar amount is a common theme among the majority, and one of the primary reasons for bitterness & ill will towards society, marriage, & women.

Imagine a hypothetical situation: A man & woman have been married to each other for many years. The woman tells him monogamy is not conducive to her happiness, and being a compassionate, confident partner, he allows her to engage in ethical non-monogamy, even though it does not fulfill a sexual need for him and he has no desire for any woman but her, simply because he loves her & values her needs. They communicate & agree upon certain rules & boundaries, which at first she follows. At one point, however, a line is crossed, and suddenly his vulnerability & emotional sensitivity are liabilities rather than assets, magnifying the pain & betrayal he feels. When she comes to him begging for forgiveness, his kindness & compassion work against him; he opens the door & lets her in.

Being honest & vulnerable leaves one open to manipulation and unprepared for deceit. He is caught off-guard when he wakes up to find she has taken money from his wallet as well as several other valuable items, all of which belong equally to them both. She refuses his attempts to communicate with her and goes to leave. He chases after her, confused, and she acts as if she is in fear of him, running out of the house, screaming, and throwing herself down to the ground when he gets close to her. When the police are called by a neighbor who witnessed the scene from a distance, she claims he was trying to keep her from leaving with her belongings, and that he pushed her; the neighbors, who saw exactly what she wanted them to see, support her story. As he is taken away in the squad car, forbidden from returning to the house where his children reside, his personal & professional reputation devastated, she receives compassion & support from the community, attention & assistance from the police & social services, and carte blanche to resume messaging her new lover.

In this hypothetical scenario, it’s highly unlikely that it would ever be identified as an incidence of a false accusation, or that the woman would be held accountable for emotionally & financially abusing her partner. It’s also highly unlikely that the man would find being honest, vulnerable, & kind around women as easy in the future, and a few failed attempts — combined with feeling inadequate & emasculated by his partner’s betrayal, ashamed for losing his job, helpless & insignificant after not being heard or believed by the police or the courts, and devastated over his separation from his children — might be enough to drive him to give up on trying altogether. Not only are we insensitive to his suffering, we compound it with invalidation, injustice, & isolation, reward his abuser, and give no consideration to the occurrence of emotional abuse when deciding upon the time each parent will spend with their children. Is it not obvious to see how men can lose their respect for women, or how the children could grow up with toxic beliefs about one gender and someday reinforce the cycle of misogyny & abuse?

The best way to produce a culture of men who respect women and demonstrate gentleness & courtesy in their interactions with them is to respect & validate their own emotional experiences. We must recognize that men can be victimized & abused, and show those men the same degree of compassion we would extend to a women in the same position. We must acknowledge that women can be cruel & hurtful, and show those women that intentionally inflicting harm upon one’s partner in an attempt to control them or punish them — whether that harm is emotional or physical — is unacceptable. This does not imply women should assume responsibility for men’s actions, or show empathy to their abusers; it means that we should grant the same level of consideration to both genders, and hold both genders equally accountable. If we see a man crying alone at a table, do we ask if he needs help, or do we only extend support if it is a woman in distress? If we see a woman berating & striking a man in a park, are we as quick to recognize it as abuse and intervene in his defense as we would be if the gender roles were reversed? For as a man, I have been in those situations, and no one came to my aid.

Feelings of being humiliated, powerless, unimportant, & unworthy of respect can plant seeds of rage in a man’s heart. Every day in America, we send implicit messages to our children that weak men are losers, criminals, or drug users who do not deserve kindness or support… extending compassion to women but not men. This is just as sexist as providing men with opportunities denied to women.

Demanding men show respect for women’s experiences & physical safety while refusing to value their own experiences and allowing women to financially & emotionally abuse them to the point of destroying their careers, their self-esteem, & their dreams for the future will never produce the outcome that men & women both desire: healthy, authentic, loving connections in which both people feel safe & respected, emotionally & physically.

If we want sensitive, confident, compassionate, & kind men, we must create an environment where such men can thrive. We must acknowledge that both men & women can be victims of sexual assault & abuse; that men are equally worthy of compassion & support as women, and women are equally capable of perpetrating abusive behaviors as men; that the concept of defining any emotion as either male or female is flawed, and all emotions belong to both genders equally; that masculinity & femininity are not opposites nor are they each the sole properties of one gender but rather they are both sacred, complementary aspects of our humanity that can be found in all of us. Feminism arose in part out of the desire to see women treated with the same level of respect & allowed the same liberties as men; to raise men who are not trapped in a prison of anger & shame, unable to accept or let go of the memories of the times they felt weak or inadequate, dependent upon chemicals to numb the emotions they are forbidden to express, constantly feeling like they must be seen as strong & in control at all times, we must see that men are given the same level of compassion and permission to be as honest & as vulnerable as women.

Thank you for reading.

References

1) Douglas EM, Hines DA. The Helpseeking Experiences of Men Who Sustain Intimate Partner Violence: An Overlooked Population and Implications for Practice. J Fam Violence. 2011;26(6):473 — 485.

2) NIDA. 2021, April 13. Sex and Gender Differences in Substance Use. Retrieved from https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/research-reports/substance-use-in-women/sex-gender-differences-in-substance-use on 2021, September 5

3) Shelley A. Riggs (2010) Childhood Emotional Abuse and the Attachment System Across the Life Cycle: What Theory and Research Tell Us, Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 19:1, 5–51

4) Brooks SK, Greenberg N. Psychological impact of being wrongfully accused of criminal offences: A systematic literature review. Medicine, Science and the Law. 2021;61(1):44–54.