The Secret to Stop Fighting: A Simple Science-Backed Formula
By: Laura Silverstein
Tags: Relationships Love Dating, Communication, Relationships, Life, Conflict Resolution

Step 1. I feel ________

Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You” to avoid blame.

Do this: I feel very nervous and abandoned when I’m home alone not knowing where my family is. Not this: You’re always late for dinner and you never think about anyone but yourself.

Step2. …about _____________

Describe what is happening objectively and non-judgmentally. Don’t offer your evaluation of what you think is going on for the other person

Do this: I’m the only one in the house and it’s 6:30, the time we usually have dinner. Not this: You are selfish and careless, so wrapped up in your own world that it doesn’t even matter to you what time you come home…it could be midnight as far as you’re concerned.

Step 3. I appreciate ________________

Give appreciations. Noticing what people are doing right is always the best way to go. Take the time to search your brain for a time when the person did or is doing something right related to this issue

Do this: I know how hard they’ve been pushing you at work and I really appreciate all you put up with to provide for the family. Not this: You don’t get a gold star for having a job.

Step 4. I need (or request) ___________________

Talk clearly about what you need in positive terms. Express what you want specifically and explicitly, clarifying what you do want rather than what you don’t want

Do this: I’d really appreciate it if you could try to remember to call me by 5:00 to let me know what time you’ll be home Not this: I do not want to be married to someone who thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to leave me home alone waiting while dinner gets cold without even a phone call

Put it all together and it sounds like this:

I feel very nervous and abandoned when I’m home alone not knowing where my family is. I’m the only one in the house and it’s 6:30, the time we usually have dinner. I know how hard they’ve been pushing you at work and I really appreciate all you put up with to provide for the family. I’d really appreciate it if you could try to remember to call me by 5:00 to let me know what time you’ll be home.

Remember to be polite. Treat the person you are talking to as someone worthy of basic manners, using phrases such as “please” and “I would appreciate it if…” Challenge your belief that this person “always or never” does the thing in question.

Here are some other examples that can show you how to tailor this formula into your own words. It works with children and bosses too:

I feel frustrated when I see the caulking in the bathroom hasn’t been finished yet. I know you have a bunch of projects on your to-do list and it’s a really messy, annoying job. I need to come up with a plan for when and how it is going to be finished.

(to a child) Buddy, that drumming on the table is giving me a headache, I know it’s fun to whack things with spoons but can you do it in the playroom, please?

I was a little annoyed that there wasn’t any milk for my coffee this morning. I know how fast it disappears in our house. Can you please text me when you finish the milk so I can pick it up on my way home from work?

5 Common Mistakes You Might Be Making While Using this Formula

1. Don’t sound like a robot. Remember it is called “gentle startup” for a reason. Find the softness in your voice, show it on your face and maybe grab a hand or rub a shoulder if appropriate. If there has been a lot of fighting between you, neutrality can be interpreted as sarcasm even if you don’t mean it to be.

2. Do not pause after step 2, or your partner will jump in and respond before you get a chance to express your appreciations which are the most important part of this formula.

3. Nasty prepositions: As soon as we say I feel like…, or I feel as if…, I feel that…, we are no longer talking about our feelings. We pretend we are talking about our feelings when they are actually opinions or judgments.

4. Don’t go global. People respond better to a discussion about a single episode than to a personality critique. “I’m worried that you are an alcoholic.” will be harder to hear than “I was really worried about you last night when I saw how sick you were from drinking…”

5. Edit all caveats. “I appreciate that you’re a great dad” is perfect with a period at the end of the sentence. The appreciation becomes lost if you say, “I appreciate that you’re a great dad when you’re actually home”.

The Four Predictors of Divorce

Congratulations on your commitment to improving your communication skills by reading this article. According to Dr. John Gottman’s research, criticism is one of the four predictors of divorce and relationship unhappiness, so mastering this formula could significantly impact your life.

The other 3 are Defensiveness, Stonewalling, and Contempt. Improving these 4 core communication skills will help you manage your conflict effectively so that you spend less time arguing and more time having fun!.

Thanks for reading my article,

Laura

*Resources

All of the advice and research referenced in this article is based on the evidence-based Gottman Method of Couples Therapy which is grounded in 40 years of researching over 3,000 couples.