The Psychotherapist From Heaven
By: Pretheesh Presannan
Tags: Creative Writing, Humor, Satire, Comedy, Self Help

Client: I feel so bad.

Therapist: For seeing me?

Client: lol, no. I mean I had been feeling bad about myself for some time.

Therapist: Oh sorry. I was just on a call with my husband. So you might know…

Client: Oh, how is he?

Therapist: He is kind of … ahh what can I say, annoying at times, like most of the time… wait, why do you want to know about my husband anyway?

Client: No, I just talked to him a few days before on call. Didn't he tell you?

Therapist: Wait…why would you call my husband?

Client: I tried to reach you on your land phone number. But he was the one who took it and said you were washing clothes or something like that.

Therapist: Jeez, he did not even let me know about that. And yes, that’s how my life is. To add more to the trouble, he had even started playing video games, just like you.

Client: Are you upset? I thought you don't have bad feelings.

Therapist: Is that your problem? And why would you even call me while I am at my home?

Client: I was wondering if you were free to play a multiplayer online game. You know I don't have any friends to invite.

Therapist: Wait, are you saying that my husband played online games with my client, I mean with you?

Client: Yes, what’s wrong with it? Actually, it made me feel better for a while. I don’t know why. So I was wondering…

Therapist: You do not have to wonder anymore. You will never talk to him or play any multiplayer bullshit with him again. So you are the one behind my husband’s new addiction. Listen carefully. I am your only hope, I mean as your therapist, not my husband. That’s how this works. Okay? Promise? Please?

Client: Yeah, no problem. I am good.

Therapist: Okay so what happened for you to feel so bad about yourself. Let me see whether I could help you.

Client: I slipped again into that self-improvement writer’s blog.

Therapist: Oh again? Did not I warn you last time? I think I told you to block his website. After all, he calls me at least twice daily for validation. So please just forget about him and his blog. He is a lost case anyway. I do not want you to end up as a routine-machine — doing routine just because you are scared to breathe otherwise. I swear he is full of shit. I bet when you are about to die, your last thought would not be ‘I did not complete my goals or I was not being productive enough.’

Client: Yeah but.

Therapist: See, if you are not going to do anything but spend your days playing video games, can't you just do it for some days until you get fully tired or bored of it. Be honest with yourself!. Why would you obsess about self-improvement? I am your therapist and I am giving you full permission to pass your days as you wish for the next 1 week. Okay?

Client: Is that enough?

Therapist: Yes. Just do it. That's your challenge for the week. But don’t invite me or my husband to join you.

Client: But I would be wasting time?

Therapist: First you must learn to waste time without guilt. Then only we need to care about being productive or naturally stumble upon something that is inspiring for you. You must naturally develop the courage to not do something for the fear of not being important, special, or to get rid of guilt feelings. If you want to be guilt-tripped, go and visit your nearby priest, not me. Okay?

Client: Wait. You don’t like priests?

Therapist: You have no idea how many of them contact me to sedate their porn addiction.

Client: Really?

Therapist: Yes. But don’t ask me which category.

Client: Okay. I think I can guess it. I even saw a news report titled ‘Pope In PornHub’. Did you saw it?

Therapist: Pope where? I don’t really watch videos of Pope. My husband does, but hopefully not in the Hub you are talking about.

Client: I mean the report. Did you read it?

Therapist: Oh. I did not. Wait, are you trying to make ‘Pope’ an excuse to get into a new addiction?

Client: No never. I had already blocked PopeHub…I mean PornHub.

Therapist: Good. So are we in agreement with the challenge for the next week?

Client: Yes. I am.

Therapist: Okay then. Have a guilt-free week.

Client: What if I fail?

Therapist: We will repeat it again until you learn to pass time without guilt. There is no short cut. Relax, you do not have to rush.

Client: Oh, that’s so relieving. You are an angel sent from heaven. Your husband must be lucky to have you. Thank You.

Therapist: I know right. Bye. Next…

The client leaves with eyes filled with tears of joy