soon.
By: Perveen Maria
Tags: Parenthood, Ivf, Pregnancy, Motherhood, Trying To Conceive

Photo via Unspash by Liv Bruce @livvie_bruce

soon.

I thought I’d be writing nonstop to help my head through this process. I thought daily-ish writing would help iron out any confusion I have about what we’re doing right now. I assumed I would need to write to help me stay grounded and sane. To help me cope with the uncertainty of it all. The emotions. The doubts. The fear of having tried and having failed.

Before I get to my rambling (you’re welcome in advance), I want to say thank you to everyone who reached out to check on me/us, to those who sent messages filled with their love and support because they, too, went through this process and understand every physical, mental and emotional part of what’s happening, and to those who are considering or just beginning their own IVF journey and have questions or concerns. To all of you, thank you for thinking of us and our little family that could. Thank you for being patient as I struggle to respond and reschedule dates. Thank you for letting us know you’re there. Sometimes that’s all you need — to know you have people in your corner who love and support you no matter what.

Here’s a peek into the last four weeks.

Truth: Coming down from the hormones had me a bit fucked up. Not so much in an Icantdeal way, but more in a wherethehelldidmyheadgo kinda way. I felt elated and hopeful during our stim cycle. After egg retrieval, though, I quickly recognized I wasn’t feeling like myself and my head was somewhere opposite of where it was the week prior. I was, first of all, absolutely exhausted — more than during the cycle. All I wanted was for everyone to leave me alone so I could come home and crawl into bed. I had a hard time focusing. I felt distracted and disconnected.

Week one after retrieval: I was on a different planet. Not only did I have bowling balls for boobs, but I was a little sore for a few days. And I was, of course, thinking about our little ones, this time in our lives, this entire process that we began without knowing what will happen + trying to stay focused on being grateful for what we have and what is to come, no matter what. And at the end of week one, we got the news: we have one little babe!! So, needless to say, we are crazysuperduper ecstatic about this little boy or girl who is ready to meet us. All the heartstrings being pulled everyday since the day we heard those five little words: We froze one embryo today! I am feeling extremely lucky we were able to have one little one from our first round of IVF. The first round is tough. You don’t know how your body is going to react to the meds, you don’t know if you’ll need to adjust the dosage because your body isn’t responding like the doctors want it to, you don’t know how you will handle it all. (The latter is what I was most nervous about.) There are too many unknowns when you first begin. This is true of anything you start — you just gotta start and hope and adjust until you reach your goal.

The day we found out we had one little one (day four) was also the day we called our parents and told them we were doing IVF. So that was a big deal. Mostly for me. A little for my husband.

On day five we received a call from the doctor’s office telling us other two didn’t make it (seven-cells and three-cells from day two). They didn’t grow anymore after that second day. I felt sad for them. I felt them fighting. I felt them lose their battle. Day five was also the day we had to tell them what we were feeling and leaning towards for our next step. We had a few days until we gave them our “final answer” but we all needed to have a pow-wow about where we’re at and what each next step means for us. Do we wait? Do we implant? Do another cycle? While we talked to the doctor on speakerphone, tears suddenly rushed down my face. I pushed the phone away and gave it to my husband while I shook my head no, my way of telling him I can’t talk right now because I’m having a moment. We had one little babe! But. I also knew we wanted to hold on implanting and move straight into another round. This was our plan. This had always been our plan. Maximum two rounds of IVF for a minimum of two babies. The tears were all mixed up — happy for our first baby and sad because I knew we still had such a long way to go.

Week two: This is when I noticed my head was somewhere else. Felt a bit fucked up. Also, super tired. Exciting stuff.

Week three: Feeling a little more like myself. Exhausted. Plan for round two. Receive our meds.

Week four: Sleep. Doctor appointment. Plan and prepare for round two.

I guess that’s it.

Round two starts soon. We have all our meds. Finances are sorted out. And I finally wrote about the thing I have been avoiding. Why did it take me so long to post an update? Wait. We know the answer to that. It’s everything I just said. I have been avoiding the details of where we’re at with all this not because I’m shy or don’t want to talk about it. I think it’s because I know, as I told my mom today, we have a huge win, but we still have quite a long ways to go until I know those babies are okay, until I am holding them in my arms and I can see for myself that they are safe and healthy.

I know it will happen.

Soon.

Also, happy Mother’s day to all the human baby and fur baby moms out there, and to all the soontobe moms.

Also also, apropros I posted this update today. Did you hear that really cool story about how we have one little itty bitty who decided he/she is ready to call The Wizards mom and dad? That’s one of my favorite stories. *heartstrings pulled*