Elite Serfdom Opportunity For Best-In-Class Peasant Farmers
By: Emily Gao
Tags: Business, Satire, Technology, Startup, Humor

Elite Serfdom Opportunity For Best-In-Class Peasant Farmers

Are you a harvest hacker with a proven track record in converting non-arable fields to agriculture success stories?

Photo by Kylie Paz on Unsplash

About the Company

Fyoodle is a fast-growing fiefdom seeking skilled peasant farmers (Grain Gurus) to take our medieval farming operation into the next age.

We’re not your run-of-the-mill feudal estate. We’re changing the world. Fyoodle is revolutionizing agriculture by leveraging serf-based solutions to grossly enrich our benevolent overlords. The fiefdom has unlimited runway due to our tyrannical leadership, cutting-edge culture, and unpaid workforce that is contractually forbidden from leaving the premises.

About the Role

We empower serfs at Fyoodle to be more than indentured servants. As a Grain Guru, you’ll have complete ownership over your granted land. Technically speaking, the lords maintain all rights to “your” land and can seize it back at any time. But figuratively speaking, you are one-thousand percent in control of your own destiny.

Your hard manual labor will be rewarded with a small share of the subsistence you produce. The more you grow, the more you eat. There are no limits to your potential as long as you disregard the estate’s unpredictable weather, self-serving management, and swarms of locusts.

This is a unique opportunity to come into a venture-backed manorial system on the ground floor. The floor is outside; no shelter is provided.

About You

You must be a dynamic troubadour that wants the challenge of a literal lifetime. Those looking for a standard dawn-to-dusk debt bondage gig need not apply.

We want to hear from you if:

You are a wheat wizard with hands-on experience in farming parcels of land with minimal oversight. For you, crop failure is NOT an option.

You are a harvest hacker with a proven track record in converting non-arable fields to agriculture success stories.

You collaborate cross-functionally with stakeholders at all levels, from captive serfs to high-born prisoners to landless knights.

You possess an acute understanding of mandatory tithing practices and an uncanny knack for paying the right tax to the right lord at the right time.

You are a self-motivated problem solver determined to do whatever it takes to quash peasant uprisings.

Preferred qualifications include:

Comfort with ambiguity and a demonstrated ability to hunger through famine

Current and/or future offspring to inherit labor obligations a must

Survival through the Crusades or comparable religious war a plus

Our Perks

We offer exceptional perks to attract exceptional talent.

Hectares of land commensurate with experience

Comprehensive benefits package including access to medical-grade leeches and protection against invasions

Dog-friendly work environment

Mildew-resistant barley kernels thanks to generous seed funding

Exposure to senior members of the nobility and clergy

Common space with backgammon tables and mead on tap

Rigid lodge-from-work policy

Compulsory church services — we have a work hard, pray hard culture

Annual Midsummer festival

Unlimited vacation (at your own peril)

Join Fyoodle as we accelerate to hyperspeed. If you’re offered a seat on this horse-drawn wagon, don’t ask what seat. Just get on, and hold tight — we’re about to trot off at 15 miles per hour!