Parents…..Lean in. Ask for what you want, not what you don’t want.
By: Somer Harding
Tags: Children, Mental Health, Parenting Advice, Social Emotional Learning, Parenting

When I see parents struggling with their children in restaurants, caught in an endless cycle of extremely ineffective negotiations, I imagine walking past the table and dropping off Sheryl Sandberg’s book LEAN IN. Her suggestion to ask for what you want, rather than for what you don’t want, very much applies to raising children.

I am an avid fan of The Office. Never has there been a TV show that I have watched over and over, can recite lines of characters from memory, and still laugh when I watch it, as if it was the first time I had heard the joke. Those of you that are fans like me will remember the episode, “The Negotiation” when Michael Scott studies up on the strategies of good negotiating for a raise. As he sees himself as an expert, he makes every mistake one can make, and the scenes are hilarious.

Think about it this way, we teach children everything. How to drink from a cup, use the toilet, tie their shoes, read, write, and do math, and yet often, adults think that children should learn everything about good behavior just by watching those around them. Sometimes that is enough, but wouldn’t it be easier just to teach the behavior that you are expecting?

Kids are smart and they learn quickly, but they do much better when they know what is expected of them. Imagine you are 7 years old and one grandmother has a house that is full of pets, comfy couches, treats, things to jump off of, and soft places to land. Your other grandmother has a house that is beautiful, filled with vases, glass, light colored carpet and colorfully detailed rugs. You love and adore both of them, but get confused about how you are supposed to behave with them when you visit. As your parents pull into the driveway and begin telling you a list of everything you can or can’t do, all you are thinking about is how excited you are to see grandma. In this case, parents could consider that rather than placing judgment words like “good” and “bad” about ways to behave, they could spend time letting you know what types of behaviors are expected in both settings so that everyone has a good time. Parents could share feelings about how each home might make you feel, that one home might surround you with comfort, but the other home might inspire you with beauty and elegance. Have it be conversational, informative, engaging, with everyone in the family sharing what the different environments mean to each of you. Find what is special and enjoyable and talk about the differences. Set the expectation.

Lean in, parents. Ask for what you want from your children. Let them know that it makes you HAPPY when they give YOU what YOU want, and then this makes you THRILLED to give THEM what THEY want (caps inserted for dramatic effect). Teach them that this is life. When you meet the expectations of someone that is important to you, good results usually follow.

Going back to The Office episode, so much of the failure of Michael Scott in his negotiations is that he gets distracted. He forgets what he is asking for, he forgets what he wants, he forgets everything about everything. Stay focused. Use charts or stickers or points, or a host of different structures that have been around a long time to help. Ask yourself and your child, “What do those stickers or points mean? What is their value to you?” Make sure the currency you are using can be spent on something that is desired. Make sure that the payout of earning that currency is frequent enough to keep the child engaged. For some children, that might mean they earn something 3 times a day, or for some, every 10 minutes. Children can’t delay gratification for as long as most adults can. Bring rewards into their time frame and keep them small. More often than not, the most impactful rewards are choice and attention.

Imagine again that family in a restaurant, with kids bouncing, half-standing, drumming on the table with the cutlery, and throwing the sugar packets around.

The mom says with agitation, “If you don’t SIT DOWN right now and BE QUIET you are not going to have any dinner and you will just have to SIT THERE and BE HUNGRY!”

Or

The mom says cheerfully, “I would love for you to be more still, look at me in my eyes, put the things on the table down, and speak more slowly so I can better hear and understand you telling me about recess today. Then you can choose what we might think about for dessert.”

In the first scenario, the child is 99.9% sure that they will get dinner, no matter what the mom just said. There is no incentive to change the behavior because there is no compelling indication that either the mom will be offering anything other than being frustrated, which isn’t as entertaining as what the child is doing by bouncing and banging things around.

In the second scenario, the mom is following the idea that children need intentional instruction in behavior and she is asking for what she wants. She is also showing both attention and choice opportunities for the child which is much more rewarding than choosing to keep bouncing and banging around.

Research shows that if you have a 4:1 ratio of positive interactions and expectations, 80% of negative behaviors will self-correct. Parents don’t realize this, especially when they are feeling frustrated. It takes training, but any good teacher knows this is a fact. Next time you are faced with a challenging moment with your child, give it a try. You will notice a change in their behavior almost immediately.

To sustain this positive change however requires consistency and focus, but it is well worth it, for both you and your child. You don’t really want to raise a Michael Scott, although he was adorable in many ways. It would be better to raise a child that understands how to “Lean in” and ask for what they want in life, because you have shown them how to do that from the time they were very young. By learning from you, they will know that to ask for what you want, and to meet the expectations of those people that are important to you, is the best way to be successful in both behavior and outcomes.