“Then let’s make it memorable.” (27)
By: Shannon Lucas
Tags: Mental Health, Love Story, Emails

Dear Moon M,

I would love to be your roommate and figure out how life happens together. I’m not sure I have much more than you do in the way of answers for what that means, but two people working toward it is probably better than just one. If anything, it should significantly lessen the overwhelming feeling of isolation. I think we have more than enough time to figure out the details. Imagine how many emails we will have stockpiled in 6–8 months — all of which will be a testament to our obvious life happening compatibility. We should make a book out of them as a house/apartment/whatever we end up in warming present to ourselves.

“The Holy Mountain” sounds like quite a movie. If I hadn’t already seen it at least three times, I would say we should watch it together sometimes. But, having seen it, I know that that beautiful quote is a very misleading glimpse into the viewing experience. Maybe I’ll watch it again. Just for you. Because I love you.

Someday maybe I can coach a Winter Guard team at a high school somewhere. Or join some adult version that’s out there somewhere. I would really like something that. I have so much throwing and catching and counting and moving all at once experience, and I’m hardly ever required to use it. It would give me something to do with these skills that I have no outlet for anymore. I haven’t felt like a swan in a very long time. If your comparison between Kristen Schaal from Flight of the Conchords and me is any indication of how I move around in this world, I certainly don’t have swan-like grace all on my own. It would be nice to get a taste of that again. Maybe in the Barkley Marathon.

I don’t think I’ve ever gone into particular detail with you about this one awful. When I bring it up, that other stuff starts floating around in my head and is harder to push to the side. I was going to try to lay it out for you in a “short and simple” way, but there was nothing short or simple about it. So I’m just gonna floodgate you. Again. In the form of a short story.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was wandering around and missing some pieces of her head. She spent all her free time with burly men “having fun” and getting numb. As tends to happen in these stories, she met a boy and a boy met her and they professed their feelings for each other way too fast and way too soon. One night, as a romantic gesture of seriousness and commitment, they decided to abstain from the numbing. They had a plan. They had love. They took the precautions everyone is supposed to take. The magic of the night was short-lived, though. You see, sometimes sex made the girl not want to be touched. Sometimes things just went the wrong way like that for her. And nobody likes that. The boy was hurt and confused and feeling rejected. He didn’t know about her missing pieces. So, even though everything happened the way it was supposed to and the plan had been executed to textbook perfection, the boy and the girl spent the rest of that night apart. And the rest of the summer. And much longer after that. That is not the only part of the plan that failed that night. In one month’s time, the girl took a test — and the test said yes. But she couldn’t say yes back. She had responsibilities. She had a life. She had college and friends and a future. So she made a new plan. She scheduled appointments and arranged transportation and sat in a lot of chairs and closed her eyes, and when all of it was over, she realized it wasn’t actually over and it never would be. It was the wrong “choice” — so to speak. Another failed plan. So she curled up for a while, lost another piece of her head, and eventually stopped making plans, opting instead to see what happens when there is no plan. So far, so good. There’s Turbo Kid and bowling and island getaways and emails and a job with the promise of making life happen on the horizon. The end — ish.

If you’re interested in more specifics about the “sat in a lot of chairs” part, I have something else I wrote about the experience much closer to when it actually happened. I’ll put a link in here now, but you don’t have to read it. http://edge-of-the-verse.tumblr.com/post/132420716468/a-moment

I used to make lists all the time. Some days I still do. I’m great at lists. Lately, I haven’t had much too put on a list, though. Now I’m spending a lot of the time I used to spend thinking of doing things actually doing something rather significant — writing you these emails.

I adore you, too.

Love,

Skinny