GOP Furious Over Turkey Election Fraud — Declare Cobb the Winner
By: Natalie Frank
Tags: Satire, Election 2020, Humor, Narcissism, Thanksgiving

Humor and Satire

GOP Furious Over Turkey Election Fraud — Declare Cobb the Winner

Live Report — The GOP is crying fowl over the outcome of the election to determine the Presidential Pardoned Turkey.

Corn and Cob Candidates for Presidential Pardon

“Hi, this is David Allen at WNPD News and we’re bringing you the Presidential Turkey Pardon ceremony at the White House Rose Garden which will start any minute. Of course, there is also the issue of Cob Turkey, the Republican nominee, who still refuses to concede and is holding onto the belief that he was really the one who won the Social Media Election. Now, we’ll join Daniel Levine who’s there with the celebrants. How’s the atmosphere there Dan?”

“It’s an odd mix of celebration, carefully veiled animosity, open animosity, this primarily from the Fourth Estate and well, quite honestly, there’s also a bit of oddness regarding those assembled here.”

“Yes, I think we can see that from those standing around waiting for things to begin. Tell me Dan, is there a large audience there for the event? We heard that almost no one was planning to show up due to numerous protests.”

“You’re right about that, David. The GOP, who refuse to acknowledge the pardoned turkey as legitimate, the press who feel there are more important things to cover and are tired of covering stories involving fraudulent election charges, the general public, many of whom were invited as special guests and refused.”

“According to our sources, not even the White House staff reportedly wanted to come. They all gave different excuses trying to beg off until they were ordered to go or be sent to Gitmo. But it seems that there is a sizable audience there. Who are they exactly?”

“As you mentioned David, there are the required White House staffers and other notable Democrats, though the President-Elect is noticeably absent as are many of those who it’s believed will be tapped for his cabinet. There are a number of very disgruntled media who reportedly feel that they were manipulated to get them there.

Then there are the protestors who are holding signs and shouting slogans about the election being unfair as it was held entirely through social media. They believe it can and was altered to make it seem like Corn Turkey won when they say that really Cob Turkey won.”

“I understand their main position is that it is accepted that more Democrats use social media than Republicans so there was an unfair bias from the start.”

“Yes, David, U.S. Republicans have always believed that social media is biased against them. But the position is still rather ironic considering that President Trump largely carried out his presidency on Twitter.”

“You mentioned the media feels manipulated, Dan? Can you tell us more about that?”

“Sure, David, let’s see who we’ve got here. . . Oh, there’s Kevin Murphy, a well-known correspondent from a rival news station. Hey, Kevin. Do you mind talking with us for a few minutes?”

“Hey Dan, I see they’ve got you working this dog and pony show also, huh?”

“Trying to get a better feel for what’s going out here, Kevin. They’re saying that the media feel they were lured down here under false pretenses after every major news outlet refused to cover the event. Is that true?”

“Nobody was eager to cover yet another absurd display of narcissism, and this time, a narcissistic turkey? No way was anyone up for that assignment. The fight over the presidency was more than enough for most of us.

Now there are turkeys fighting it out over a Presidential pardon and position in the government? It’s like the entire U.S. political system has turned into one big skit on Saturday Night Live, only no one’s laughing.”

“So, you said you were all manipulated or tricked into coming down and covering this. What exactly were you told, Kevin?”

“They said the story was about a pardon for the Turkish Ambassador. We didn’t know if that meant the Turkish ambassador to the U.S. or the U.S. ambassador to Turkey — the information coming out of the White House is always confused. But if there was enough wrongdoing on either of their parts that no one was aware of, to the degree a pardon was needed then that would have been a huge story.”

“Can the President pardon a foreign national?”

“This one thinks he can pardon anyone and anything, including God himself.”

“Yes, I’ve heard the rumors he’s having special documents drawn up to pardon God for destroying the world with the flood. So when you got down here, you were pretty surprised.”

“Oh yeah. We didn’t have details or a briefing about what to expect but it certainly wasn’t anything with wings and a beak! Then to find out the birds had better accommodations than we did and would receive free four-star accommodations at the most upscale turkey farm in the country. And of course, Pardoned Corn will move into the White Roost, from where he’ll govern when not needed in Washington.”

“Thanks for talking with us Kevin, and all the best with the rest of your coverage.”

“Sure thing, Dan. You too.”

“So, the journalists are upset because they were told they would be covering a huge foreign policy story but found that they were just talking turkey, is that right, Dan?”

“Ha, ha, yes that’s about it, David. And from the looks of the expressions out here, none of them are very happy.”

“No, I’d imagine not. Dan, we were told the two turkeys arrived in separate motorcades just a few hours ago. Can you tell us anything about where they were coming from?”

“We’re told that Pardoned Corn and Cob Turkey both were coming from a last-ditch effort canvassing and giving stump speeches in Iowa, trying to get those final votes in a state that has picked the winning turkey since the first official presidential pardon. That occurred in 1987 carried out by President Ronald Reagan who pardoned “Charlie.” Pardoned Charlie went on to enact several controversial policies, during his year in office.”

“Yes, and we have a special planned for tomorrow looking back at all the pardoned turkeys and their legislative successes and failures, during prime time tomorrow.”

“And I have to say, David, I just saw the special his morning, and though I’ll admit I didn’t think I’d be the least bit interested in turkey history, this special was nothing like I’d expected. What a bird in office can get done to change not just their world, but ours as well is nothing short of remarkable.”

“Uh, Dan, some of that colorful crowd behind you appear to be trying to get your attention. Who are they and what are they doing here?”

“Yes, David, I noticed them when I got here, it’s hard not to with the elaborate costumes and makeup. They are by far the largest group here, looking to number at least 1000. Let me see if I can get any of them to talk to me.

I see two men who appear to be the leaders, I don’t know if you're getting this, but one is dressed in some kind of blue and grey and the other dressed like, well, the closest I can get is an executioner. The rest of the crowd is also dressed in various styles of what appeared to be period costumes.

There seems to be some kind of argument going on, but I’ll see if maybe I can interrupt. . .”

“. . . What do you mean he’s saving both of them. That’s not how it’s done!”

“Hello, sir, I’m Daniel Levine, from WNPD news. And you are Mr. . . ?”

“Stark.”

“Would you be willing to speak with us for a few minutes, Mr. Stark? Did I understand correctly that you don’t want the president to save both birds? What do you think should happen instead?’

“We were promised a good ole fashioned Game of Thrones execution if we brought our folks with us. They couldn’t get a quorum to show up without us! And now he’s letting both of them live? Well, we’ll see about that!”

“I see. And you sir, are Mr. . . ?”

“Andal. I’m the executioner, here to provide my services to the President. The President shouldn’t get his hands dirty, so I’ll volunteer to do the deed.”

“That’s a mighty impressive sword, Mr. Andal. It could be mistaken for the real thing.”

“Ach, what are you daft? Of course, it’s the real thing. How would I be able to kill anything with a fake weapon?”

“Uh, Dan, did he say that huge sword is real?”

“I’m sorry David, I can’t hear you over the cheering by all of these comicon folks. They are really excited at the moment. Can you repeat the question?”

“Is the sword real, Dan?”

“Well, that’s what he’s claiming, but I’m sure security wouldn’t have . . . “

“You’re not killing anything, you dolt! The President’s gotta do it! You know that according to the tenet of the First Man, “he who passes the sentence should swing the sword!”

“Daniel, are you sure it’s safe where you’re standing. Do you think the Secret Service is aware of what is going on back there? Oh, and there’s another sword, that Stark fellow seems to be holding up to a lot more cheering. Dan, maybe cut this part short and more to a safer area?”

“For the last time the land of D.C. is not in the North! It is now and has always been in the south! Where executions are carried out by executioners!”

“Uh, Mr. Andals, Mr. Stark, would you mind if I asked just one more. . . “

“D.C. is in the North! Who’d they fight for in the civil war, huh? They wanted to free the slaves, duh. It’s the North. “

“North, South, who cares, I just want to see an execution today. And by God, one of them turkeys is meeting his maker, if I have anything to say about it.”

“You guys, seem to be on the same page about that at least,”

“Hey, Dan, Daniel! The other fellow has an even larger sword, and if it’s real also, I really think that the secret service may have a bigger problem on their hands than the turkey election dispute. I’m not sure the birds are the two contenders to worry about. I really think it would be a good idea for you to move away from them.”

“David? David? I don’t know if you could hear over all the cheering from behind me but the pardon has taken place and the President and First Lady warmly wished both birds a very long, happy and memorable life.

I think I’m going to bring my report to an end here as things are getting a bit chaotic as these comicon folks appear to be forming an army . . . what? No, I really didn’t mean to insult anyone. I just thought that “comicon” would help give our audience get a better idea of . . . “

“David? David? Are you there? Well. it appears we’ve lost our feed at the White House Turkey Pardoning Ceremony. If you’re just joining us, based on the popular vote, the President pardoned Democratic turkey Corn while congratulating his Republican challenger Cob for a very good effort. Corn or course will take up residence in the White Roost while both Turkeys will live out their natural days at an undisclosed Turkey resort haven. Of course, we’ll keep an eye on the continued efforts of the GOP to overturn Corn’s victory through legal challenges and by taking their claims directly to the people in republican strongholds. Don’t forget to watch our special tomorrow during prime time, “Let’s Talk Turkey: A History of the Presidential Pardoned Thanksgiving Turkeys” which will air tomorrow during prime time. Thank you for watching and we wish everyone out there a joyous Thanksgiving surrounded by your loved ones.”