Who Should Clean Her Up After Sex?
By: Emma Austin
Tags: Humor, Sex, Advice, Pornography, Relationships

Group sex can be a lot of fun, but it’s the awkward moments I remember the most.

There was the guy who asked a few too many times if I wanted to be double penetrated.

There was the foursome that ended when the other couple got into a bit of a fight.

And then there’s the time where one guy came all over my tits and just leaned back and chilled while I laid there, covered in his jizz.

And I mean covered — a good amount on each tit.

There was an awkward silence between all three of us, like we were in some kind of spunk standoff. I was starting to worry some of it would drip off my chest and onto the sheet, and he seemed to think that since he had finished, he was finished.

My boyfriend was the first to make a move. He handed our guy a box of tissues.

He looked down at the box in his hands and asked, “Oh. I’m supposed to do this?”

Then, he wiped me clean with an embarrassed smile on his face.

He’s the only person who has come on me besides Mr. Austin. I had always assumed that after a fella blasts all over a lady, he should take the initiative to clean her off. But that night, I discovered that there is more than one school of thought on ejaculatory etiquette.

Dealing with the Post-Sex Mess

I hate to sound boring, but I have a general zone I prefer when it comes to ejaculation.

I’ve had come on my tits (see above) and my stomach, but I generally prefer getting it on my ass and sometimes my thighs.

I tend to finish on my stomach because I’m a toy humper who’s into prone boning, so it makes sense for Mr. Austin to finish on my ass.

Plus, it’s just plain hot.

But what’s not so hot is having to hang out splattered in semen after both of our orgasms are taken care of.

Until it’s cleaned off, I have to just lie there, immobile, trying not to shift too much so I don’t ruin the sheets right before we go to bed.

So, we’ve got a routine. After we catch our breaths, tell each other how much fun we had and that we appreciate the effort we each put in, Mr. Austin will get up and clean me off.

It’s quite nice, actually. I won’t say it beats having him come on me, but him cleaning the mess off makes me feel nicely pampered.

I don’t think we’ve ever had a discussion about who should clean me off after we’re done. He’s just always taken care of it.

That makes sense to me. As far as I see it, it’s the gentlemanly thing to do.

It’s his come, for one thing. And also, he had the pleasure of coming on me. As much as I appreciate acting as his dick’s personal canvas, there’s no denying that he gets a little more fun out of it than I do.

Plus, he’s not a toddler. If he makes a mess, he cleans it. That’s just basic adult behavior.

But after that threesome, I can’t help but wonder how many guys blast and then chill instead of lending a hand.

It’s Porn, Isn’t It?

When I think of guys who come on their lady and then leave her to deal with the mess, I can’t help but think it’s probably got something to do with porn.

I don’t like to blame porn for everything. I’m sure a lot of this can be chalked up to plain old laziness and maybe a dash of entitlement. Maybe the guys who never cleaned their rooms grow up to be fuckboys who never clean you up after coming on you.

But porn can’t be helping.

Almost every single scene you’ll watch ends with a money shot with none of the aftermath.

Your typical straight porn scene ends with our hero climaxing all over a maiden’s stomach, chest, or face. Then she makes a few sexy “Oh my god, I can’t believe how much you got on me” faces before it fades to black.

All come, no clean-up.

The reality is a lot less sexy.

I know because I’ve seen some behind the scenes porn footage. And let me tell you, the guys spewing their semen all over a starlet’s chest are not helping her mop it up afterwards. Instead, she has to carefully walk herself to the bathroom, trying not to drip jizz anywhere (and trying not to trip on anything if some of it got in her eye).

After a one-night stand, there’s a walk of shame. After a porn shoot, there’s a walk of gross.

I’m all for imitating some of the stuff you see in porn. Hell, before turning down double penetration guy’s offer, I gave it some serious consideration (it’s still on my bucket list).

But I’ll pass on awkwardly shuffling to the bathroom without having Mr. Austin wipe me down first.

The only exception I can see making is for facials (haven’t done it — not on my bucket list — this is purely theoretical). I’d rather do that myself. I think it’s because you’re in proximity of the eyes, the nostrils, and the mouth.

Still, though, the least a guy could do after you take it to the face is get the towel for you.

Moving Past the Tissues

Once you’ve settled who’s job it is to clean up the come after sex, there’s still the matter of how you’ll clean it.

We used to have tissue boxes on hand to take care of the mess. That worked okay — a bit wasteful but it did the job.

But cleaning come with tissues is like using spit for lube. It’s fine when you’re young, but once you’re in a committed relationship you’re due for an upgrade.

We started using towels. That was a step up, but I still felt we could do better. When they’re dry, they clean you up about as well as tissues. But wetting them is inconvenient. Either I wait forever for the tap water to warm up, or I have to deal with a cold-ass towel (or a cold ass-towel?)

For a while, we’ve been talking about getting a towel warmer — the kind barbers and massage therapists use — but they’re kind of bulky and we already have so little space in our room as it is (I like a king-sized bed, even if I don’t have a king-sized room).

I recently hit on the perfect solution: loading a baby wipe warmer with cloth wipes.

We didn’t invest in one for our kids’ butts, but we’ll finally take the plunge for mine. We figured they didn’t need warm wipes and it might just make them bougie anyway. But I’m too far gone. I can be a bit of a princess and I don’t foresee that changing, so I’m not messing with anything cold against my skin.

And that’s really what it comes down to. If she’s allowing you to come on her, the least you can do is treat her like a queen.

So, get the towel (the warmer the better) and gratefully, graciously clean up after yourself.