When Polyamorous People Go Back to Monogamy
By: Elle Beau
Tags: Relationships Love Dating, Polyamory, Love, Personal Development, Relationships

When my husband James and I were monogamously married, we didn’t hide things from each other, but there were things that we never really talked about because we’d gotten social messaging that it wasn’t appropriate for married people to do so. We didn’t discuss the other people that we found attractive, and we certainly didn’t talk about any of the above-board but still potent subtext that might have been going on with anyone else.

As we started to plan for inviting other people into our lives, James told me about the strong pull he’d once felt for a co-worker, a pull that was reciprocated by her although neither of them ever acted on it in any way. I told him about the subtle flirtation I’d been having with one of his friends. Again, neither of us had done anything inappropriate, but we also had never felt that it was OK to share those things. Once it was deemed alright to not have to pretend that our mate was the only person who ever interested us, James and I got even closer than we already were. There’s really nothing that is off the table to talk about at this point.

I suspect that this is why things are going so well for Mary and her partner. They have the stability of a steady commitment but also all of the communication skills and openness of people who have practice with co-creating a relationship without just relying on preconceived notions about what it’s supposed to be like. I think the divorce rate would probably be a lot lower if more people would do this.

We have the comfort of a long-standing commitment to each other, but also the novelty and enjoyment of spending time with other people.

I feel like James and I have the best of both worlds as well. We have the comfort of a long-standing commitment to each other, but also the novelty and enjoyment of spending time with other people. He and I only see people together, which isn’t necessarily a common way to go about polyamory but it’s one that works for us and makes us happy. That’s one of the relationship parameters that he and I have co-created. We have chosen to keep our relationship primary but to still have intimate connections with others.

There’s no one-size-fits-all polyamory. Some people have multi-person group relationships, some people don’t live with any of their partners, some give equal weight to all relationships, and some people prioritize them. The list of variables goes on and on. Assuming that the other person/people you are involved with will want or expect the same things as you is a recipe for heartache. So is trying to overlay the dynamics of monogamy to a very different relationship style.

At least some of these unhappy people decide that polyamory creates too many problems, and go back to monogamy or monogamy infused with infidelity, where they at least know what to expect. Polyamory isn’t the right fit for everyone, and it can be complicated at times, but as Mary’s relationship demonstrates, the most important thing in any relationship is making your way together. I think that any relationship benefits from making the effort to be really honest and vulnerable with each other.

© Copyright, Elle Beau 2020

Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story appears anywhere but Medium.com it has been stolen.