V-Day + 13
By: Ginger Mcmurray
Tags: Plastic Surgery, LGBTQ, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Transgender

Dilation, it ain’t just a river in Egypt.

When last we talked, all was love, light, and joy. Things have changed just a wee bit.

I haven’t been sleeping regularly. Sleep has been waiting until 5:00am or later. Then I stay in bed all day. Part of it is GRS related, but most of it is tied to the rest of my circus life:

soon to be ex moving in with my ex wife

him stealing my dog

continuous troubles trying to sell our family home

finding out my daughter is smoking pot while he helps her cover it up

the list goes on and on.

I took four Benadryl Monday night. That knocked me right out. I did the same last night with no luck. Another ripple in my ongoing tornado life kept me up until 6:00. I woke with the sun shortly after and am writing this through blurry eyes. So please forgive any silliness or strange wording.

But this is a post about my experiences with a virgin vag, so let’s get down to business! 😄

July 29th: Dilation ain’t as easy as it was the first couple of times. Try #3 was blood, and pain, and tears. I honestly considered never dilating again and just letting it close up.

July 30th: I talked to a friend who has also had GRS. She came over and walked me through the process. My angle of entry had been off and I’d been sitting up more instead of reclining almost flat. With a little coaxing and a few missed attempts, everything worked out OK.

I don’t have to hurt every time! 😅

I also find the energy to play a few games of Kill Dr. Lucky with friends. It’s a fast pace and fun game, kinda like a reverse version of Clue. Instead of trying to solve a murder, you follow your victim around his home and try to get alone with him so you can take him out with poison, a shovel, or just a good old fashioned strangling.

July 31st: I watch have of The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eight Dimension. A classic! I have to stop halfway through thanks to my throbbing vagina, but the laughs are worth it.

I was also able to walk my friends’ dog. Not terribly far, but it feels amazing to get out of the house!

I’ve been talking about getting back in my car. A trip to the grocery store, no matter how short, would raise my spirits incredibly.

Miscellaneous: I’ll be glad when the phantom sensations clear up. Sometimes I get an itch or a bit of arousal and it feels like it’s inches away from where it actually comes from. The sensation of rawness and rubbing also feels like it’s coming from beneath testicles that no longer exist.

It’ll take a while for my brain to recreate the neural map of my body. The exact timing differs for everyone, but it could be years. There might also be some short relapses once the main issue goes away.

The strips of flesh in between my vagina and my thighs has been hurting for days. It feels like it’s been rubbed raw, though there’s no signs of actual problems. Once I’m more mobile I’ll go to the store and get a few different kinds of panties, just in case it’s a fit issue. It could also be that the wings on my maxi pads are scraping and irritating. Not really sure what to do about that.

Speaking of arousal, that’s an interesting minor torture. I’ve always been easily turned on. For the longest time I was, in no uncertain terms, a porn addict. Most of that was tied in with my need to be the woman that I am, my lack of understanding why that was, and my desire to transform. I watched a lot of transgender and forced feminization videos. The first showed me what could be done. The second let me imagine being myself but putting that decision in someone else’s hands. If someone made me be a girl, I wasn’t responsible for the “depravity.”

Coming out cleared most of that up. Testosterone blockers came in later and dulled the need enough for me to think through the underlying issues. Of course, I still enjoy the occasional “rub and tickle.” It’s been a solo affair since my separation, and nowhere near as frequent as it used to be. The necessary interaction with my penis triggered serious dysphoria most of the time.

I fully expected to lose all desire once the primary source of testosterone was gone. That constant manly drive to procreate was supposed to be muted or destroyed. My doctor has even talked about getting my on a low does of T just to get me back to wanting it.

Nope! I’ve had the opposite.

Having the right equipment puts me back in the mood for some of that sweet, sweet lovin’. I’ve been way to afraid to go anywhere near acting on the impulses. There are still some stitches that might come out. Even more discouraging are the electric shocks that happen whenever anything brushes up against me.

Still, I’m definitely looking forward to taking the new clitoris out for a test drive!

All in all it’s been a pretty good week, at least from a GRS perspective.