Dude, have you heard? It’s 4/20 all month long!
By: Charlie Hong
Tags: Comedy, Satire, Cannabis, Marijuana, Survival

Sup, man? Charlie Hong here, writing from my humble captain’s quarters aboard the Starseed, which is currently orbiting a red giant somewhere just outside the Felonia System.

You might know me as Captain Hong from Tom Sadira’s science fiction comedy series The Far Out Chronicles. Tom’s spent the past couple of years novelizing some of our most exciting missions and trying to get the word out about Earth’s secret overlords, the Reptilians. Kudos, Tom! (but how about you write just one book without me running around without clothes?)

Most of you think his books are just absurd sci-fi stories. You’re wrong, man! I’m no more a fictional character than you are. It’s all real — the Starseed, our galaxy teeming with bizarre lifeforms, Earth being a secret Reptilian kitten farm.

I’ll give you a minute to process the ‘kitten farm’ part

Someday, when my crew and I figure out a way to stop them and expose the truth, you’ll see. Until then, hope you enjoy going along for the ride.

Anyway, I’m not here to talk about myself. I’m here to make sure you realize what a very special Earth holiday you’re experiencing right now! Actually, before I jump into that, maybe I should mention my credentials so you know I’m totally legit.

I have over a decade experience growing top-shelf ganja in everything from tiny dorm closets to sprawling farms tucked away in the mountains of NorCal. I’ve even breed my own special strain of superweed called Golden Ticket. Not to toot my own horn, but if I hadn’t been toked up to the Starseed to join the fight against the Reptilians, I’d probably be the undisputed, all-time champion of the High Times Cannabis Cup by now.

My trophy case from an alternate timeline

I like to check up on Earth once in a while, you know, to stay connected to my roots. The other day I caught wind of what’s currently going down on Earth (global pandemic lockdown, worldwide economic collapse, dictatorships gaining strength… JFC people don’t go starting wars right now, okay?) Dark times down on Planet Earth. Seems like you Earthers could use a little positive energy right about now.

This guy has plenty of good vibes to spare

As I peered into a hologram of Earth, puffing on a blunt in my Captain’s chair, I realized something incredible:

Right now, all across Earth, it’s April in the year 2020. Which means…

…it’s 4/20

ALL

MONTH

LONG!

At least, according to credit card expiration dates, which is good enough for me, man!

Why exactly does that matter? To begin with, it only occurs ONCE every ONE HUNDRED YEARS. How friggin’ special is that?

Hey, in that case, let’s call it something totally badass like The Great Cannabis Convergence. Hell yeah, nailed it!

Maybe it’s fate? Maybe it’s the universe’s way of expressing sympathy to our tiny blue orb during such a very “Fermi Paradoxian Great Filter” clusterfuck? In any case, a month-long 4/20 is happening right now, all around you, even while you sleep.

Good kitty, you used a grinder and 1 ¼ zigs

Don’t let it pass you by! You’ll regret it more than that time back in ’86 when you were too busy playing Pac-man to go outside to look at Halley’s Comet.

Alright, so how should a stoner celebrate this super-rare, month-long marijuana holiday?

Under normal circumstances, I’d suggest things like going to music festivals, playing sports at the park, or getting lifted AF by clam-baking in your garage with a big group of fellow potheads.

Let’s face it: the past month has been far from normal circumstances. With COVID-19 invading humanity right now, all those fun group activities will have to wait till The (next) Great Cannabis Convergence of April 2120.

That doesn’t mean you can’t totally celebrate this month from the comfort of your own dingy apartment. That’s why I came up with the following list of essential items that will fill two lungs with one puff, if you know what I mean. These items will get you safely through this lockdown while helping you make the best of this precious month-long 4/20 .

Charlie Hong’s Stoner Lockdown Survival Checklist:

As much sticky-icky as you can get your hands on! (duh)

(duh) Lighters x 4 (no more fire, no more get higher)

(no more fire, no more get higher) Pack of rolling papers x 10 (there’s never been a better time to learn the art of rollin’ doobs)

(there’s never been a better time to learn the art of rollin’ doobs) Swisher Sweets x 3 (gotta keep things interesting, you know?)

(gotta keep things interesting, you know?) Your favorite glass pipe or bong (for a quick bowl or seventeen)

(for a quick bowl or seventeen) Glass pipe and bong cleaning kit (& replace your bong water every day)

(& replace your bong water every day) A cozy jacket (hoodies are the best)

(hoodies are the best) Your favorite e-reader (or a stack of paperbacks, if you’re old school)

(or a stack of paperbacks, if you’re old school) Computer or TV w/ streaming video (is there really such a thing as too much Rick & Morty?)

(is there really such a thing as too much Rick & Morty?) Multi-player online video games (to keep your communication skills sharp)

(to keep your communication skills sharp) Plenty of munchie fodder (one perk of being stoned is that even the unhoarded junk from the grocery store tastes crazy delicious)

(one perk of being stoned is that even the unhoarded junk from the grocery store tastes crazy delicious) Your favorite pet (because humans aren’t your only friends)

Advanced Activities for Pro-Stoners:

Baking your own marijuana edibles (when those puppies kick in, you can kiss a whole day goodbye)

(when those puppies kick in, you can kiss a whole day goodbye) Growing a “garden” (finally plant those cannabis seeds you’ve been picking out of your schwag)

(finally plant those cannabis seeds you’ve been picking out of your schwag) Organizing a remote smoking sesh w/ your friends (video chats aren’t just for remote offices anymore)

Remember, preparedness starts with proper planning. It’s not too late to make the best of a global lockdown by celebrating this MONTH-LONG 4/20 HOLIDAY in the comfort and safety of your own home.

Honor the The Great Cannabis Convergence and The Great Cannabis Convergence will honor you.

That’s almost too far-out for me, man

I really should get back to work (you know, fighting against all odds for the future of our entire galaxy).

It’s been fun writing this quick PSA (Public Stoner Announcement) to my homies back on Earth. Stay strong during this pandemic and remember that life is worth fighting for — especially when the odds seem stacked against us.

Live High & Prosper 🖖

~ C. Hong