Let’s open up!!!
By: Waiting For You
Tags: Letters

Dear K.,

Its long that I have written letters to you mentioning my life and wishing to listen from your side. You did oblige, but you ought not. I am fortunate that I received a few replies. Unfortunately I have lost most of them. I have mentioned many times that one of the purposes of writing is to keep things in record. All the emotions are transient.

So after more than 10 years of knowing you, its the first time that I am admitting my feelings to you. We didn’t come close ever. Our journey has been a bit contradictory. We were far apart when we were in the same class and became close when we were very distant. The last few days have been the most distant. I cannot thank you for finding someone in me. As far as I have understood it’s only a friend but that’s more than enough to give me a purpose in life. People may call me a simp but I find trust as the most important thing for sharing. I know very few people who have trusted me with their secrets.

Fear forces people to do many desperate things. This letter is written also out of desperation. The fear of losing out. This has been a tumultuous year. This wedding season has been more agonizing. Many of your friends may have married. You could have understood the reasons behind the letter.

I have adored you since the day you asked me to solve physics numericals. I being an insular student in the past and a self aggrandizing desire to show myself as ‘sakht launda’, I didn’t approach anyone. When little time was left I realised it was too late and also knew that you were in a relationship. I did have hopes when you called me when we had left the school. We did have contacts, mostly on call. I enjoyed it a lot when I got any chance to listen to your voice. I tried to talk to you as long as possible, whatever be the situation. Even if I had an exam next day in which I was bound to score badly, I listened and never complained. I know I was always an option for you, but you are my only choice.

One thing which I realised late is that I don’t have looks or the physique to be attractive maybe due to my darker skin or small chin. I should not have hoped that you will be easily attracted to me. Nonetheless, I understood it but I couldn’t let you out of my mind in anyway. I hoped that somehow if we remained in contact I may hope to be with you in the future. The letters were like islands in vast ocean to keep reminding the soil of hope exists. The replies didn’t matter much as long as I was sure that they were being read.

Our meeting in Jamshedpur was like Sisyphus succeeding in putting the stone on the hilltop. The world has changed a lot after that. I do remember each and every moment. Each and every moment was to be cherished for eternity. One moment is still haunting me. I should have forgotten it, but it has stuck in my memories like a quagmire. Why did you ask my caste??? And since that meeting, I knew that something was aloof. I thought it ended well but you didn’t tell me what you didn’t like. As if my looks and professional underachievement was not enough to end the quest, you brought my caste into the picture. Afterwards, I sensed that today another Karna was martyred by Draupadi on the alter of birth. But I can assure you that, whatever be the case I will never challenge your Arjun.

Lastly, I want to assure you two things. Firstly, whatever be my looks or caste, I can’t change that. Secondly, I will never give it upon you.

This is the first of the many letters that I will write anonymously, only to be the obituary to my hopes.

Yours,

A.