5 Christmas ago, I Had Never Seen Snow, but I Was Honest about it.
By: Yuhsuan Liu
Tags: University, 2020, Christmas, Dreams, Self Growth

As I am planning my going back to the States to finish my Bachelor Degree for the Spring semester of 2021, I stumbled upon this video this holiday season:

https://www.bilibili.com/video/BV1TK4y1j7Nr?from=search&seid=14154001697020659414

A Canadian national called Jared who spent his childhood in Hainan, the most southern province of China, now a college graduate and living in China again, has decided to transport some snow from the very north of China to Hainan for children there who never seen snow. They did it over the course of 7 days because it would take 47 hrs to drive across the whole of China if you do it non-stop. They tried out what kind of snow is easier to transport and made contact with the principal of an elementary school in Hainan about their plans.

Jared said: “I want to do this challenge not only because it is fun, but also because I still remember the feeling that I had when I finally saw snow for the very first time. That was when I returned to Canada with my family at the age of 6.”

(For those who are interested here’s the link to the video: https://www.bilibili.com/video/BV1TK4y1j7Nr?from=search&seid=14154001697020659414 Starting from 22:00 is the scene when the elementary school students and school staff saw the snow and joyfully messing around with it.)

As I watching how people from the very south point of China was crazy over the snow in the video, I am reminded of me in 5 Chrismas ago. I was still in my last year of high school in Taiwan, a catholic school where we would do a series of Christmas events throughout December even though most of the students aren’t religious.

5 Christmas ago, I had never seen snow.

I never felt so strongly about Christmas the same way I did in that year. I was doing the last phase of the American college application process, and when I was in the Chrismas mass in from of the giant Chrismas tree that my school had put up in front of the auditorium, I was like: “Next Chrismas, I really want to be in somewhere where I can see the snow.”

I did not know what exactly things to expect if my dream of moving to the opposite side of the world does come true. All of that hope and imagination had turned into one single concrete wish: I want to watch snow melting on top of my palm and feel it.

It has been 5 years until now, and I did get accepted by a university in the New England area where it is half year raining and half year snow. No need to mention how glamourous and heart-racing it was when I finally get to feel snow with my hands.

Anyway, what makes me so fervent about the video of seeing a Canadian guy transferring snow to the south of China is that, I had long forgotten how I was strongly wishing for snow even when the chances of me touching it seemed so slim.

What I actually forgot is, I’ve forgotten how to be honest with myself.

When others look at my profile now, most of the time that think my greatest achievement is either getting myself into a prestigious American university despite the fact that I’m from a working-class immigrant family, or I had published a book this year. But for me, the most incredible thing I did so far is the inner work I had done in the period of college application years.

I was being honest with myself.

I was honest about what I really want and what matters the most to me. I understand and well-aware of what was my true biggest fear. At first, I hid my plan from everyone in school and even my family because I thought what I was afraid the most would be their mockery and their disappointment.

And then soon I realized what I fear the most would be regretting on quitting before trying everything I could. I could take mockery, I could stand disappointments, but I could not stand the thought that I would be the one to blame for my unhappiness.

So I was being honest in what I wanted the most, what I was capable of, and what I feared the most. That way, no matter what end result I get, at least at the end of the day I would not feel sorry for myself.

However, I’ve become so good at lying to myself over the past few years. I came up with fake dreams, fake excuses, and fake fears. Part of the reason can be moving abroad alone magnified some of my pre-existing weakness spots, still, I myself would be the person to be blamed for. All in all, no one ever forced me to make any choices, I did.

I made up some fake dreams, make plans and choices around them on a superficial level, and then “intentionally” failed at those because deep down I never cared for those. And then I told myself, “look, I have tried, but it is so hard to achieve something that will make me happy and satisfied.”

And then follow with fake dreams and fake goals, I made up fake excuses and fears around them. So I would feel less bad about my state of being not happy at all. All of these create a horrible vicious cycle that almost swallowed me whole.

Without getting sucked in by all the negative thoughts around this realization, I guess the questions that I have to ask myself now are:

Hey, what’s that snow of your life that you want to put on top of your palm now? That even just thinking about it, you are thrilled?

Do you really want to keep tricking yourself that “you don’t really like snow, you hate the frozen weather?” Do you really believe all your lies about how it is impossible for you to afford the flight to the other side of the globe?

And the very last:

Isn’t the most terrifying thing is that you know you can actually touch the snow, but instead you CHOOSE to just see in front of the TV, the watch it from the screen?