What You Need To Know About Introverts
By: Eric Sangerma
Tags: Psychology, Self-awareness, Introvert, Self, Life

Start Recognizing Introverts From an Early Age (and Leave Them Be)

Take a look at any playground. Yes, there are children there, and yes, they are playing.

But when you look closer, there will probably be a few loners there — making their castles in the sand, keenly observing others at play, exploring new ways to use a stick as a prop. They may look lonely, but appearances can be deceiving.

Some children prefer to stay away from groups, and that is perfectly fine.

Distressed parents see this as a weakness, which is why there is such a vast misconception about introverted children. That has to stop.

Being an introvert is not a personality flaw.

Introverted children thrive when they can experience the world on their own. In a certain sense, they are independent. But this comes at a price.

To others, they may seem arrogant, uncooperative, and uninterested.

Susan Cain, a TED speaker and the author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking sums it up brilliantly in her talk:

Shyness is about fear of social judgment. Introversion is more about how you respond to stimulation, including social stimulation. So extroverts really crave large amounts of stimulation, whereas introverts feel at their most alive and their most switched-on and their most capable when they’re in quieter, more low-key environments.

To back this up, scientists have long guessed that the brains of extroverts and introverts show different neural activities, and the white/grey matter ratio may differ too. Studies from the previous decade leave no room for doubt.

In one study based on brain scans, it was revealed that extroverts and introverts process emotions differently (Lu et al. 2014). The parts of the brain in charge of behavioral inhibition, introspection, and social-emotional processing were found to be significantly larger in introverted individuals (Forsman et al. 2012).

With that in mind, should you try and change any other biological trait of a child? Of course not.

If you have or you think you have an introverted child, you need to:

stop forcing the child to engage in conversations if they seem reluctant to.

stop labeling them as shy, quiet, or unsociable.

stop encouraging them to participate in group activities with peers if they would rather stand on the side and watch for a while.

realize this is not something to be cured. Your child will ease into social behavior over time.

realize that their introversion is where they feel safe. They don’t see it as a punishment or a failure.

Introverted Adults — Being the Strong Silent Type

“We live with a value system that I call the Extrovert Ideal — the omnipresent belief that the ideal self is gregarious, alpha, and comfortable in the spotlight.” — Susan Cain

Growing up in a world that values outgoing and self-spoken people is no easy feat if you’re an introverted individual. This isn’t because introverts are incompetent or less worthy — it’s because they are discouraged from being what they truly are.

Susan Cain recounts being called ‘mellow’ by the other girls in the summer camp because she preferred reading books to other more desirable activities. It resulted in her tucking the books under the bed to conform to the ‘normal’, expected behavior. Of course, she resumed reading right after she came home that summer.

This constant urge to correct the behavior of introverted people, unfortunately, lingers into adulthood.

Think about awkward team-building activities, for example.

People shared dozens of experiences online that sound like a real nightmare for anyone, let alone for those who don’t feel particularly comfortable in a group. A survey found that 31% of office workers hate team-building activities (Glide Consulting Lc.).

An even more telling statistic: 9 out of 10 of the surveyed UK population report feeling pressured to behave in an extroverted way (MBTI 2020), and the pressure explains why a lot of people actually fake extroversion, according to Susan Cain.

Some even deceive themselves until they reach a big (and usually stressful) milestone in life — the loss of a job, kids leaving home to attend college, divorce, and so on. It is these turning points that suddenly ignite the spark of self-discovery and introspection.

So, are Introverts Lagging?

You may be thinking — hey, it’s not like the pressure is unreasonable! A growing number of managers (86% in 2016) prioritizes teamwork skills when evaluating candidates for promotion. And maybe those interfering teachers from my childhood were right — adulthood is all about making yourself heard.

The truth is that our introversion doesn’t have to define every aspect of our behavior.

It’s easy to resort to generalizations and say: introverts are shy and extroverts are communicative. Introverts don’t like talking to people, whereas extroverts just love to babble away. These may sound believable (and even relatable), but there is a lot of grey area in between.

Introverts can shine in a small group. With enough time to emotionally recharge, we can handle stressful public appearances, and our natural observation skills make it easy to get along with a wide range of people.

Some studies have revealed that introversion doesn’t, in itself, have a significant impact on our relationship satisfaction (Weidmann et al. 2017).

And while some love to keep things to themselves, others are keen on sharing and opening up. Some love living in the fast lane, while others need some time alone to rewind.