How to avoid emotional burnout — Megan Warren Coaching
By: Megan Warren
Tags: Burnout, Self Care, Wellness, Coaching, Self

My clients who are constantly coping with emotional burnout, usually suffer from Human Giver Syndrome. It’s a syndrome that tells you that you have the obligation, the duty, to put the needs of others before yourself. It’s a contagion that insists that while doing so, you be put together, kind, happy, attentive, and positive.

How many of you, at the end of a tough day, arrive home to ask your partner and/or children how their days went, and while you support answers that range from celebration in the face of your fatigue to stress piled on top of your depletion, the question is not returned.

And you, because you aren’t used to holding space for your own needs, feelings, wants, you shut them off, which means they never get met.

This sets you up for a sense of emotional burnout on a much larger scale that becomes part of the landscape of your life. It’s so ingrained in the context around you that you don’t even realize that you are literally giving your life away.

I’ve recently been recommending my clients read a book that came out in 2019, but for which a new updated version is scheduled to be released in January 2021: “Burnout: completing the stress cycle.”

The first part of the book takes a deep dive into stress and how to cope with it, while the latter half of the book looks at the social constructs that effectively divide humanity into two types — Human Givers, just described above, and Human Beings, those who take for granted that they have needs and they have the right to ask others to hold space for and support their stress, depletion, fears, and needs.

The solution to this inequity presented in the book is that everyone become Human Givers, being aware of and attentive to others’ needs and prioritizing those equal with their own.

How many of you are shaking your head or outright laughing when I say that? I would guess that everyone listening has someone in their life that they cannot envision becoming a Human Giver. Maybe it’s your boss, a close friend, a parent or partner? So then, what’s the answer?

You must become your own Human Giver. How do you do that?

The answer relates to topics that I’ve addressed in earlier videos: awareness of patterns, acceptance of needs, and adoption of boundaries. Let’s break this down in three easy to understand -though less easy to integrate — steps.

Awareness of patterns

Just noticing the pattern is the first step. There are several different levels of awareness. Maybe you are already conscious that at the end of the day, it’s you who prepares dinner, who listens attentively and asks questions, who preps for the next day. Maybe you have already wished that someone would proactively take care of something, take just ONE thing off your plate. Maybe you cried yourself to sleep craving someone to check in on you. But you figured that’s just the way it was. It’s been that way for so long that it is what it is. Or you’ve literally NEVER known anything different.

Sometimes, the awareness that’s required isn’t so much about the pattern itself — you already knew you took on 80% of the work in the household or your family never asks how you are — it’s a recognition that you have the power to change the situation.

Or maybe the awareness you most need is about the social constructs that contribute to the pattern. The ways of being that are so ingrained in our families and cultures that we don’t even question them — concepts that are so familiar they become fundamental laws in our lives, rather than man-made ideas. Realizing that society is built around these flawed concepts that benefit Human Beings can free you to use that awareness to decide to change how you show up, which recognizes that you too are a Human Being.

Once you have the different levels of awareness — the pattern itself, the social constructs that set context that embraces and reinforces the pattern, and that you have the power to engage with these ideas, which are not laws, differently than being a Human Giver becomes a choice.

I’m not arguing that we should not be Human Givers — I wholeheartedly agree with the basic premise that the world would be a better place if everyone, all of humanity, were Human Givers.

But I am arguing that while society hopefully evolves toward that, we can continue to recognize and meet the needs of others, but we can do so from a space of self-care, a space that gives us the right to have needs, to voice those needs, and to put boundaries in place that protect our self-love.

2. Recognizing and meeting your needs

Once you have become aware of this patterning or conditioning (Step 1) and integrated that into your consciousness, the next step is to act on it. That means undertaking the three A’s: admitting you have needs, accepting that they are valid and just, and asking for them to be met.

If you are interested in how to own your needs and get them met, you can read the article on my website or watch the video on my YouTube Channel on “How to ask for what you need in four steps” https://meganwarrencoaching.com/my-coaching-journey/how-to-ask-for-what-you-need-in-four-steps.

3. Setting and holding boundaries

The third step in this process of becoming your own Human Giver is to erect healthy boundaries that leave you open for connection but hold space for honoring your needs.

As with needs, setting boundaries means recognizing your right to do so. You, like everyone you encounter, have needs and desires. They are ok. They are valid. They deserve to be recognized. When it comes to meeting those needs, other people take direction from you. Where you don’t believe you have the right to have desires or that you deserve to have those needs met, others will take your cue and put themselves in the front seat. How you show up is YOUR choice. Being a Human Giver may not come naturally to certain Human Beings, but they can only take advantage of your nature if you give them permission.

To stop giving them permission requires that you recognize that while you may have a desire to connect, you don’t want a one-way connection. It means understanding that while you want to connect, a connection that drains you and takes you for granted is not worth it.

Many Human Givers believe they have to give, so they never set boundaries at all, or the boundaries they set are so diffuse — so wishy washy — that they might as well be nonexistent. Boundaries define how you want to connect. Ask yourself, do you want to connect in a way that replenishes your love tank, or do you want to connect in a way that leaves you running on empty?

To learn about the types of boundaries and how to set and hold healthy ones, read my article or watch the YouTube Video on “How to set and hold healthy boundaries” https://meganwarrencoaching.com/my-coaching-journey/how-to-set-and-hold-healthy-boundaries.

Thank you for reading! I challenge you to become your own Human Giver! Take a moment to reflect on how your patterns help or hinder others from treating you as a Human Being. What familial, cultural, or societal constructs support that pattern? Decide to take one need and ask for that to be met. How amazing would it feel to say today that every Monday and Wednesday night you get one hour for you? Feels impossible? Go back to the article above on how to get your needs met and implement one suggestion. The relief you will feel having honored yourself will outweigh your fear and doubt about being able to do so. Come back to the comments and share your learning. And share where you are getting stuck! Together can look at how to shift your outcome!

If you’d like to explore how to be a Human Giver to yourself, contact me to schedule a free discovery call. Be well!