How My Parents’ Divorce Affected My View of Marriage
By: Ryan Fan
Tags: Relationships, This Happened To Me, Family, Lifestyle, Parenting

I’m older now, but my views on divorce and marriage have definitely evolved. I no longer have such a black and white view towards divorce. I may be religiously opposed to it, but it’s no longer this evil entity and institution that caused me so much pain as a kid. Now, I see what divorce really is — a last resort after many years and attempts to make the marriage work.

A marriage falls apart long before a divorce. I see that now, and I’m realizing that the greater sin is trying to stick out a marriage that doesn’t work. Setting an example for children that they should just keep trying on something that doesn’t work is not responsible parenting.

My parents did the best they could, but like most divorces, my parents’ marriage was extremely unhappy for years before they actually got divorced. A lot of the screaming matches and confrontation could have been avoided if they actually divorced sooner.

It caused me a lot of pain — but I’ve snapped out of my tunnel vision and talked to people about their families too. I was definitely not the only kid who grew up with a divorce, nor was I the only kid whose parents had an unhappy marriage or didn’t get along. Having both parents in the household was a privilege that I will always be grateful for, and yet I always spent so much time comparing my home situation to what my friends’ and teachers’ home situations seemed like — picturesque, idyllic, almost like a Garden of Eden type union.

Well, I was probably wrong about that too. Every marriage has substantial hurdles and compromise. After, well, growing up, I realized that none of my friends’ parents’ marriages didn’t have conflict, but that conflict was just handled significantly better than mine.

I also try to examine why my parents’ marriage didn’t work out, and truthfully, there are a lot of factors. But one of them was that they married very young. My father was 24 and my mother was 21 — and perhaps the marriage came before both of them were ready. They had a lot of obstacles to face, from transitioning employment to immigrating from China to the United States.

As such I don’t want to get married until I’m absolutely sure and ready. I think of marriage as a covenant in religious terms — things aren’t always happy or picturesque, but communication is key and reconciliation is more important than trying to put a band-aid over everything as my parents did. Some of their band-aid solutions included idolizing work or using money and material presents to try to make everything better.

Above all, I don’t want to get married just because I feel like I have to, and I don’t want to stay in a marriage just because I have to. Weddings cost a lot of money and need a lot of planning, so I sure don’t want to participate in two weddings (kidding), but the sense of duty and obligation my parents felt bound to is not something I want to feel, at least not as strongly. Look, I get that life happens, and a marriage isn’t always easy — my relationship isn’t, but there need to be boundaries and thresholds for how much I am willing to endure that I’m still discovering.

So I now appreciate the fact that my parents got divorced, and part of me even wishes they did it sooner. Maybe a lot of kids feel this way — but the last I want my marriage to be like is what my parents’ marriage was like: out of duty and obligation and, to a large degree, an attempt to force something that wasn’t working.

I don’t know much about marriage, but all I know is that you can’t fix what’s already broken. Problems need to be addressed and worked through long before the word divorce even enters the conversation.