Narcissism 2.0
By: Teresa Reinalda
Tags: Domestic Violence, Narcissism, Relationships Love Dating, Self Help, Psychology

You never know when or where you’ll fall through

I was in a romantic relationship with a narcissist for 14 years.

At first he was charming, vulnerably romantic and seemingly sincere. I was young and not well-versed in adult romantic relationships. For the first two years, everything was new and optimistic. He had been married and was father to a little boy who I quickly fell in love with. I easily slipped into the step-mom role. (That connection was a strong pull for me to stay in that dangerous and physically violent situation for many years longer than I might have otherwise.)

Narcissists cannot — will not — lose. If there’s any threat of loss, they become aggressive and even violent. Narcissism is characterized by a dissociation between an unconscious sense of inadequacy and unconscious feeling of superiority.

There are different types of Narcissistic Personality Disorders (NPDs). I believe I was dealing with what’s known as The Grandiose Narcissist.

The physical abuse didn’t begin until around year two. I guess you might say it was the end of the honeymoon stage.

Attacks would come out of nowhere and the first few left me so confused and disoriented that I wasn’t sure what was real. I had no idea whom or what I was dealing with. We lived together by then, and as with many abusive relationships, I had become more and more isolated from family and friends, so leaving the situation would be complicated.

There were way too many episodes to list and describe here, but I’ll tell of one that immediately comes to mind that parallels the behaviors emanating from the Oval Office today.

My ex and I would drive from Queens to upstate New York most Friday nights after work to stay with his mother and visit with his son (before he lived with us full-time) for the weekend. One snowy, winter night we were playing a board game called Uno and I kept winning. The more I won, the tenser it got at that kitchen table. I imagine he wanted to continue because he assumed I was bound to lose but when that didn’t happen and I won yet another game, he attacked. I was able to escape from his grasp into a nearby bathroom and locked the door. He was trying to pound the door down, screaming and insisting I come out. His mother was screaming for him to stop. I knew he was not going to calm down. I had to leave the house. Shoeless and coatless, I climbed out the bathroom window and leapt into the snow, running for my life to who-knows-where, like a hunted animal. I was freezing and wet and scared. I don’t remember specifically how I got back to warmth and safety that night because this scenario played out so very many times.

Narcissists can’t help themselves. They don’t know they’re mentally ill. They need help from experts in the fields of psychology or psychiatry. Giving into their wishes only bolsters their madness.

I got therapy. I knew I needed it, mostly to hear myself say out loud what was going on in my life. When you’re isolated and the only people around you are co-workers and your live-in abuser, you start to lose yourself, too. I decided that no matter how tragic the outcome might be, I would end that relationship. Here’s how clever the narcissist can be: His son had been living with us full-time for several years at that point and had no idea about any of the abuse that had gone on. Separating from his son was the worst part of that situation for me. It was very hard to leave him.

My abuser moved on to the next victim, and the next…

I believe we are all suffering from Narcissistic Victim Syndrome, as whether we realize it or not, we are in an abusive relationship with the current president.

Some will do anything to support him, although they truly — in their hearts — don’t know why.

Others of us who’ve been subjected to this before see the dangers in supporting or cowering from the narcissist. There’s no end in sight and no telling how bad things can get when narcissists are left to their own devices.

Recognize and hold on to the truth, plan a safe exit (including professional help), and move forward with your life. It’s the only one you’ve got.

I’m rooting for you.