How I Nearly Burned Out as a Leader (and Why I’m Not Alone)
By: Suzan Bond
Tags: Management, Startup, Leadership, Careers, Work

I sat in bed rubbing my eyes, trying to wake up. The clock read 6:29 am. Europe was well into their day. After navigating a tricky conflict the day before, my energy tank was dangerously low. I longed to stay in bed but five urgent issues loomed in Slack. I lumbered out of bed, slipped into a pair of pants and a nice sweater, forcing mental exhaustion to the back of my mind. Pushing back my own concerns was just part of leadership. This was one morning but it could have been any number of them as a leader.

Emotional fatigue was a daily occurrence so I thought nothing of it at the time. When I left the company, I was closer to the edge of burnout than I’d ever been. The impact was total: my physical, mental and emotional health were all compromised. I couldn’t work full time for several months. I even contemplated leaving the industry all together. Eventually I found my way back to full health and excitement for my work. Still, I wondered how I’d gotten so close to the burnout edge.

I knew leadership would be hard — but not in the way it happened. The long hours were hard, managing my emotions far harder. I didn’t anticipate how often I’d have to manage my feelings, how many times I’d have internal conflict or how much power dynamics would play into my work.

As a boss your job means you have to put your own feelings aside in service of the team or larger mission. People often blame leaders for things they have no control over. Being conscious of power dynamics can make it hard to push back when an employee blames you instead of looking at their own behavior. When frustrations rose, it often spilled over on to me — some even raising their voice or exhibiting demeaning behavior. Under stress some of us lash out at others even if unintentional. Staying calm while someone projected their frustration was challenging, especially when I couldn’t share details. I set boundaries but sometimes I wonder if I did enough for my own well-being.

I only realized much later that emotional exhaustion had pushed me to the brink of burnout. I’m grateful I didn’t fall completely through the trap door.

The Hidden Cause of Leader Burnout

When we think of bosses we think of autonomy, decision making, directing strategy, and the power they hold. On the negative side we think about the long hours they work. Becoming a workaholic is a risk for burnout but there’s another often-overlooked factor: the burdens of emotional management.

Managing emotions is essential for leaders. It’s the ability to know when to listen and when to speak, to stay calm during a conflict, knowing how to be fully present despite your own concerns. Large portions of a leader’s job means communication, collaboration and influencing, which also means spending most of their time regulating their feelings. Managing your emotions is exhausting — it’s why we treasure those friends we can just be ourselves with, without having to perform an act. While we all feel on a stage at work, pressure to act in a certain way, this is even more intense for leaders.

When it comes to emotional labor, we often think of employees taking on the burden but leaders carry plenty of the load too. It’s not that only leaders perform emotion management, all workers do to some degree — it’s that we overlook it as a source of leadership stress.

We have high expectations for leaders, not just business performance, but in how they respond to challenges emotionally. The stakes are greater, collaboration needs higher, pressure more intense, and need to support others while having less avenues for support. We expect them to be calm and collected, despite what’s going on around them. They face disappointments, losses, and are affected by changes in the external environment just like anyone else — which requires effort to manage.

Like any sort of investing, compound interest builds up. Over time the emotional burdens pile up in a mountainous heap threatening a leader’s well-being, setting the stage for burnout.

Emotional Demands That Push Leaders To Burnout

Always On

Navigating, delicate conversations, a calendar full of meetings, and a stack of deliverables meant I barely had time to eat or breathe during the week. Taking time away from the team felt a luxury I couldn’t afford. I had to fight to find time to work on strategic projects — the ones that made a big difference for the team. My busy schedule and sense of commitment to the team meant limited places to just be myself without pressure or feeling a need to perform. This left me emotionally depleted.

Running full out all the time, with little time to take care of their emotional state is typical for most leaders. Leaders are stretched beyond limits, especially in the uncertain and rapidly shifting environment. Their days jam-packed with Zoom meetings combined with ever-present communication on platforms like Slack means leaders are always on a stage. Zoom calls exhaust everyone, leaders maybe even more so given their density. Watching what you say, how you say it and even how you arrange your face is tiring. Most leaders have little down time which can lead to high levels of self-monitoring.

Just like a yawn, moods are also contagious. As the role model for the organization, the mood of leaders can rub off on others. Knowing this, they often feel like they have to be a rock for the team, no matter what’s happening personally or professionally. Expected to have answers and be a support for their team, leads can feel like they have to wear a coat of calm, no matter how uncertain or anxious they feel. When they’re down or uncertain they might mask their emotions. This can help the team’s mood but can make them feel inauthentic. Masking emotions all day can eventually turn into self-alienation and even burnout.

Navigating Other’s Perceptions

I knew I’d have to making unpopular decisions, what I didn’t expect was how much other’s perceptions would affect me. After one particularly thorny decision I was told I didn’t care about others and maybe shouldn’t be in a leadership role. What they didn’t know was that it wasn’t my decision and jobs were in peril if the situation was ignored. Confidentiality and legal matters meant I couldn’t explain myself. In the absence of information, they filled in the blanks. Despite anger being hurled at me, I had to stay calm and listen rather than defend myself. I managed my emotions so the conflict didn’t get out of hand and the team felt heard, but the cost to my mental well-being was enormous.

We want to be liked or more importantly, understood. New leaders frequently underestimate how much the team’s response to an unpopular decision or being gossiped about might upset them. When facing loss and uncertainty, some lash out, an attempt to regain a measure of control. While it’s human nature, it’s challenging to be on the other side of that equation — especially when the assumptions are incorrect, you can’t defend yourself and you worry any show of emotion will escalate an already tense situation.

Leaders often have to present themselves in ways that aren’t congruent with how they feel. Dissonance between inner and outer states can be very stressful. Feeling misunderstood while making impossible decisions means managing agitating feelings. Constantly having to manage emotional dissonance and agitating feelings are linked to burnout.

Resolving Ever Present Conflict

I don’t seek conflict, but have never been one to shy away from it. Conflict can root out hidden assumptions, lingering issues and bring clarity. When I stepped into my role I discovered several unresolved conflicts between teams and individuals. Some resolved easily, others so ingrained even loosening the knot was tough. Pretty good at conflict resolution, I hadn’t anticipated how much mental effort this might take. While my training as a coach certainly helped, there were days when having to stay calm and not react to tricky conflicts drained me.

Conflict resolution is a massive part of leadership. It’s not just resolving the conflict that matters, it’s how it gets resolved. Leaders can’t play favorites, have to set their own emotions aside, be open to all sides and make sure everyone feels heard. Navigating conflict requires emotional regulation, especially on leads who are tasked with resolving it. Being able to regulate fight, flight or freeze responses takes effort. For instance, when someone attacks unfairly it takes discipline to stay calm and not fight back with criticism. If someone avoids the conflict by completely disengaging, leads expend effort figuring out how to get them to re-engage.

Conflicts arise from differences in opinion but also from negative habits. Toxic behavior drags everyone down, managing it can be utterly exhausting. Dealing with negative habits adds tremendous load to an already full plate, making leaders susceptible to emotional fatigue, a burnout precursor.

Avoiding Emotional Burnout

Find ways to relieve pressure

Taking vacations is critical but not sufficient. Leaders must build regular down time into their schedule. Take an hour each day first thing though any time of day will do. The key is reducing the pressure to manage emotions for others. Building a rich life outside of work can provide a place where leaders can free themselves from performative demands.

Learn not to take things personally

No one likes to be falsely accused of something, it’s stressful for everyone. Leaders have to find a way to manage emotions that rise from false perceptions they can’t correct. Learning not to take it personally can decrease the amount of other’s emotions they absorb, reducing emotional strain. Connect with other leaders who are navigating the same situation — it will make you feel less lonely. You might even pick up some tips on how others handle this tricky situation.

Create an operating system for yourself

When I found myself exhausted I did an assessment of my time. This helped me discover the constant conflict one team member found themselves in took five hours of my week. Look for the source of emotional fatigue, especially around conflict and develop systems for handling them. Navigating defensiveness, emotional triggers and negative emotions like fear take incredible energy. Create an operating system for yourself to keep you grounded. Make sure to include mechanisms designed to manage emotional stress, these levers allow you to emotionally rejuvenate.