Reconnecting To The ‘Why’
By: Justin Dickens
Tags: Nonbinary, Self Love, Transgender, LGBTQ, Divorce

Each time I chose to cut my hair and donate my femininity to Goodwill, I emerged hopeful, positive, and smiley. I displayed the energy of having made a choice about my life; it was always a choice, and one I made for reasons I’m proud of. That bubbly energy tended to last somewhere between 3 to 31 days. Then, after each and every time I crammed myself back in the man box, there was always a deep sadness waiting to welcome me into the dark places. I was not only giving up on myself, but also the commitment I made to the movement. I wasn’t showing up as strongly as I could for others, and that’s what cut me the deepest.

I have always been a purpose seeker, and showing up in the trans and non-binary community grew into a self-selected purpose. Only now do I realize why I felt so very lost and without direction. I did always find more avenues to live with purpose; I don’t live a single-issue life. However, I know that I could never show up in those spaces as fully and as effective as I wanted to, because I was still subconsciously fighting a battle in a dark place.

“There is no such thing as a single-issue struggle, because we do not live single-issue lives.” — Audre Lorde

I always hoped that my courage to challenge norms would create a better world for me, and everyone else. I didn’t think I was going to solve any world issue on my own, but I did believe in the ripple. One of the first reasons I started wearing heels was due to a surprisingly gendered professional dress code I found myself within. I just remember thinking, what is the worst that couple happen if I “work-attire” from the feminine side? (oofta, if I knew what I know now!… I would have likely made all the same choices).

I was also learning about all my other identities at the time, so my decisions quickly became intertwined with race, class, ability, and sexual orientation (I still felt and moved through the world as heterosexual at the time. Well, that’s at least what I thought). I was not yet practiced enough to explain it, but I knew that I could leverage my whiteness in this interrogation of the norms and expand what is “normal” for everyone’s benefit.

Sonja Renee Taylor invites readers to pay attention to the difference between fear and danger.

“To be fear-facing is to learn the distinction between fear and danger. It is to look directly at the source of the fear and assess if we are truly in peril or if we are simply afraid of the unknown” (p. 60).

I knew that I was less likely to experience real danger. It didn’t mean I wasn’t afraid of facing dangerous situations, but for folks with less privilege, the danger, discrimination, and even judgment is exponentially more severe. For instance, it never even occurred to me that I could go to prison or be legally killed for wearing high heels in another country, and that is my point. I still had so much to learn (and still do), but I also felt capable of leveraging my privilege as I continued learning. At some point, I read, “Redefining Realness” by Janet Mock. After that, there was no going back.

Photo courtesy of author; Getting my kindle signed by Janet Mock (2014)

I still recall the day a black male colleague wore a colorful shirt, and said “they were following my lead” (or something to that affect). I remember a staff member from another school, who I had never met, connecting me with a non-binary student who was seeking advice. I remember at a national training, one person thanking me being there, because they were usually the only “one”. I remember so many times when I got the honor of witnessing the ripple, and knowing in my heart that impact went infinitely further than I could see. All of these experiences continually motivated me and affirmed my purpose.

This week, for some reason, I found my way beneath all the shame and reconnected with this purpose. I know there will still be days when I feel discouraged and afraid. But, to counter those moments, I’ll keep seeking out reminders of my why.

Last night, before taking the time to put this reflection into words, I noticed a friend share the film “Funny Boy.” So, I watched it, googled it, thought about it, and read about it (including this article by YaliniDream and Angel Queentus — also shared by a friend). Funny Boy is a story of gender exploration and queer love, during a civil war between the Sinhalese and Tamil people in a country where being queer was and is illegal, presently known today as Sri Lanka…

That war was still occurring while I attended my entire first year of college. Did you know there are still over 30 countries where LGBTQ people can be imprisoned or legally murdered just for existing?

ALL of that is why I decided to run a marathon in high heels. It’s my way of reigniting my purpose, and affirming my validity as a non-binary person. It’s also about being the change I wish to see in the world, a change our world so desperately needs. Remember, every time this world gets a little bit better for somebody else, it also becomes better for you and me.

So, hello purpose… thanks for waiting for me. It’s nice to be reacquainted. Let’s keep in touch this time.