A Day In The Life Of A President Who No Longer Gives A Sh-t
By: Allan Ishac
Tags: Satire, Humor, Funny, Dictatorship, Politics

A Day In The Life Of A President Who No Longer Gives A Sh-t

What does a defeated dictator do with himself every day? (Credit: https://www.msnbc.com)

Donald Trump’s day calendar, December 23, 2020:

5:30am: Wake up, get coffee, tweet “covefefes,” begin online rage-athon about stolen election

6:00am: Get entire staff out of bed to plot installing ambulance chaser into position of special counsel; say hello to Melania passing in hall

6:30am: Convene skeleton campaign staff, add up dollar totals for overnight haul of sucker money from supporters; prepare 8am deposit to Swiss bank accounts

7:00am: Have breakfast in Oval with Rudy; weigh declaring martial law on Christmas Day for optimum impact and huge holiday ratings on Newsmax

7:30am: Sit on golden toilet seat while tweeting to Proud Boys to “stand up, make ready”

8:15am: Greet Ivanka at White House door with gropey hug and sloppy kiss; elbow bump a sniveling Jared

9:30am: Summon what’s left of loyal generals to initiate martial law on Christmas Day, including confiscation of voting machines and random shootings of peaceful protesters; feed fake story to Newsmax that protesters were violent agitators intent on staging “coup d’etat”

10:30am: Grab vulva of Hope Hicks on terrace outside Oval Office; rinse and repeat

11:00am: Cancel meeting with intelligence agencies regarding Russian cyberattacks

11:30am: Take morning call with Vlad, press for more cyberattacks, encourage massive disruption of U.S. electrical grid, “because that’ll be fun”

12:00pm: Supervise building of additional wall inside wall of White House to prevent Joe Biden from entering on January 20th

12:30pm: Lunch with Stormy

1:00–3:30pm: Golf

3:45pm: Snack—Ring Dings and Coke

3:30pm: Cancel meeting with Covid Task Force; remind team that Covid has already gone away

4:00pm: Sneak USB drive, loaded with nuclear codes, to Mike Flynn; discuss initiating “nuclear winter” during regular winter if forced to leave White House

4:30pm: Zoom call to Hope Hicks down the hall; offer her full “Jeffrey Toobin trouser treatment”

5:00pm: Afternoon call with Vlad; negotiate his 25% cut of supporter sucker money down to 18%; use “presidential pity pal” speech

5:30pm: Pre-dinner snack—Ding Dongs and Stewart’s Root Beer

6:00pm: Daily recap with Pence; put screws to Vice-President Bible Beater to prepare for electoral college overthrow Jan. 6th

7:00pm: Dinner with Ivanka; send Jared home to dine alone; wow my sexy little girl with gold bars stolen from Fort Knox

8:00pm: Post-dinner Twitter rant at RINO’s who acknowledged Biden victory; threaten to ‘primary’ any GOP weaklings who do not support my ascendancy

9:00pm: Loud, relentless segment on Hannity; encourage base to send full amount of their stimulus checks directly to me during “The Trump Trillion Dollar Telethon”

10:00pm: Last call of day to Vlad with update on additional “back doors” I opened to U.S. electrical grid and nuclear silos.

10:30pm–2:30am: Finally, some fucking TV and yummy late night snack (Twinkies and 7Up).

2:30am-5:00am: Sleep soundly, like an unconscious man…or a man without a conscience

5:30am: Wake up, get coffee, tweet “covefefes,” begin online rage-athon about stolen election

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See more of my daily satirical posts here.

And here’s how this made-for-TV nightmare should’ve ended.