On Loving And Hating Christmas
By: Akos Peterbencze
Tags: Divorce, Relationships, Self, Family, Christmas

When I was a little boy, I used to sit in front of our Christmas tree at night. I just watched it mounting above me while I was mesmerized by it. I inhaled the sweet smell of pine that filled me up with excitement and festiveness. Like every kid, I truly believed that Christmas was magical: delicious food, awesome presents, cheesy 90s music, Home Alone, and family time. As Andy Williams sang, it was indeed “the most wonderful time of the year.”

Then one day, my dad left my mom, and Christmas was ruined forever — I thought.

After that happened, Christmas sucked. I lost faith in “family” as a concept. I turned into a cynical and ungrateful teenager who just wanted to be left alone, visit his friends, and watch movies till late at night.

Schmoozing with relatives I barely saw all year was annoying and irritating. Not that I haven’t loved them anymore, but I was forced to do it when I wanted to be anywhere else in the world.

I figure that I’m not alone with that feeling, huh? Raise your hand if you felt the same way. Did you raise it? I can’t see it, dummy. This is an online platform, not a video call. Now, where was I?

I hated when people tried to control me: telling me what to do and where to be. So, I rebelled against parental love and care. I was mean to people who wanted to share more time with me. When I had to attend family gatherings, I didn’t even put on a fake smile. I just went, ate, answered a few questions, and left. A shrink would tell me that I was resenting my parents for getting separated. Maybe that’d be closer to the truth than not.

Balancing between two families that used to be one feels like a war zone. You’re there, stuck in the middle like a spy who is instructed to give a report on the latest rumors and ongoing relationships.

I was looking for any escapes. I’ve found solace being amongst friends who also struggled with their families. Most of them understood me because they came from broken families, too. They were surrounded by negligent parents who didn’t pay child care, moved to another country, or had a second family.

I can tell you, Christmas stops being fun when parents share joint custody, and they have to negotiate when to have their kid over during the holidays.

Meals become mandatory, and balancing between two families that used to be one feels like a war zone. You’re there, stuck in the middle like a spy who is instructed to give a report on the latest rumors and ongoing relationships. You’re trying to survive psychological warfare with no training. So, you just learn as you go; what you can and cannot say.

I left that war eight years ago when I moved to London. My mission ended, I served my time, and I was discharged. My wish had come true. I spent my last eight Christmases without seeing my family in person. It was my decision, and I never second-guessed it.

I enjoyed having a pass to avoid the holidays at the end of every year. But, I also aged, and getting older made me far more sentimental than I’d like to be. I mean, Christmas is still a capitalist, mandatory, selfish holiday that’s getting more and more exploited every time. But, after eight years of my voluntary exile, I began to miss it sometimes.

Now, it reminds me that time is slipping through my fingers faster than I’d like. Now, I wonder: how many Christmases do I have left when I still have grandparents to visit and wish happy holidays? How many years do I have to give presents to mom and dad? Someone told me recently that there is a limit to certain things and events you get to do in a lifetime. Celebrating holidays with family is one of them, I guess.

Unconditional love is a wonderful concept, but without being patient, understanding, and agreeable, the “ship of relation” will sink fast.

I have also been told that I’m lucky to have grandparents who are still alive and parents who support me lovingly. All of that is true, no objections, your honor. But, I must say that maintaining a healthy relationship with your parents doesn’t just depend on luck. There is work to be done, too, from both parties. Unconditional love is a wonderful concept, but without being patient, understanding, and agreeable, the “ship of relation” will sink fast. Resentment is like a torpedo, so don’t wait until it blows you up.