“She’s not here…it feels really empty…….”- covid stories
By: Shivani Rao
Tags: Lifestyle, Loneliness, Covid Diaries, Mental Health, Covid 19

The lockdown has taken its toll on everyone in the world. It is like a global phenomenon. Amidst this virulent pandemic, sufferers are many. We hear the stories of only those, who came to light. Some patients, some survivors, others saviors, and heroes. We hear about those who fight the war on the streets but what about those who are fighting small battles locked inside their houses every day? With the intention of providing you an insight into their lives, I present the story of someone I know, an acquaintance. She called me after quite a long time. When I heard what she had to say, I was moved at the depth of my soul. She lost her mother this march. It was because of the natural process of aging and not the virus. She died at a good age of 89, but here is what a daughter had to say about it.

“I live alone now, well, most of the time my elder sister is not home. She a junior resident at the hospital so she leaves early and seldom comes home in less than five days. Earlier, it was us, sisters, and my mom. Both of us are single and have no plans of getting married now. We were always happy together. But now she is not here and it feels really empty. I just didn’t realize that it could be so sudden, death. I mean I always knew, of course, but it just leaves an empty space. Space which can never be filled. I am in the same house and everything reminds me of her, the sofa, bed, dining table, everything. And I can’t help but think about her. My mother was sick for a long time like she was bedridden for two years but things were working out for us somehow and, I and my sister were taking really good care of her. I understand that moments of this sort come without a warning and I feel like a fool fussing over something that I knew was about to happen someday soon, but the problem is that I can’t get over it.

My mom passed away in mid-march, only a week before the lockdown was announced. It has almost two and a half months now but I am still unable to recover from the grief that struck me when she left. Because, my sister couldn’t spare much time in the house, most of the time it was just the two of us. Most of my time went by taking care of her even on my workdays. I used to be really busy worrying but now I feel as if everything has transformed to nothingness. I am in utter need of some fresh air, literally. People generally try to deviate their minds to something else when in such situations. I was sure that work would get me out of this. With exams coming up, there will be a lot to be prepped for the students, a lot of copies to be checked, extra classes to be taken, but with colleges closed, the work pressure dramatically dropped. Taking online classes did not consume much of my time and as soon as it ended, I felt empty again. Looking at the same bed she slept on, the same old chair she sat on…even furniture became a precious memory now. I envy my sister so much. She has work pressure more than ever and when she complaints about it, I tell her how lucky she is to have something that could occupy her mind. It is better to be busy than turning mad. It is taking a mental toll now. I wonder how long this lockdown will last. I really want to be free of the void that has been created in my life. This house seems dead now, and, I feel no different than any of the furniture lying around here, just one of her memories.

I want to return back to life”.