Having a Boy is Just Easier
By: A.N. Clayton
Tags: Toxic Relationships, Masculinity, Mental Health, Empathy, Baby

I was at work and was stopped by the man that comes to pick up the FedEx packages. He asked me a question, not related to work or anything. Just asked me what I thought about his friend’s decision. I gave my opinion and the friendly conversation continued. Nothing weird, just him explaining his relationship with his female friend. I just listened. He got to a part where he explained that he has been married for four years, he’s in his mid-30’s he says, and sometimes he looks at other women but has not cheated. I couldn’t help but notice that there was a silent “yet” attached to that last statement. No, he didn't say it, but the way his tone trailed off was as if that’s what he meant. So I asked, in a non-judgemental way of course, “Why did it sound like you are thinking about it? Or that four years is such a short time that you're waiting to see what’s going to happen?” He replied, “Well you know, the old heads say they all cheated on their ol’ lady and it wasn’t worth it. But yea it’s only been four years so…we’ll see what happens.” I was shocked, but not really. I, being in a relationship, knows this isn’t true (yea I know everybody thinks their man is different but mine really is built differently; he’s not with the dumb sh**) So I asked him, the FedEx man, if he felt this was inevitable, cheating in a marriage. He said he wasn’t really sure but he’s a man so “You know how it is, right?” Right? No. Hell no. An unequivocal and resounding no. That’s not normal. That’s not the standard that should be set for anyone. He only reconfirmed what I already knew. Men really don’t give themselves any credit. They are truly out here believing that they have far less self-control than women do. This is a widely accepted opinion. However, a widely accepted opinion is not a factual statement of truth. Does anyone have an idea as to why men believe this? Because boys are easier than girls. They aren’t taught self-control like women are. Self-control is well within reach of any person. Men lower their stock by believing that they truly don’t have the fortitude to remain faithful to one woman forever. Women are taught to avoid rape and harassment but boys aren’t taught not to rape and harass (obviously those are the most extreme examples but bear with me). 12-year-old girls must wear a sweater to avoid attracting the gaze of their 52-year-old history teacher and the history teacher is justified in his decision to ask her to cover up because her shoulder blades and elbows are distracting.

Girls must be polite, gentle, nurturing, putting the needs and desires of others before her own whilst boys are not. Not because they don’t want to, because they are seldom taught to. So they grow up to be men that believe that infidelity is the cornerstone of every marriage. It will strengthen the marriage. Make it more steadfast and unwavering since it was tested so harshly. And of course, she is expected to forgive and press forward. Because that’s what it is to be a woman. A girl. Forgive what is done to you, let it keep happening, and hope that someday it changes. That someday, he changes. It makes you strong. These roles are never to be reversed. If he even catches a scent that she may be possibly involved in even conversing with another man, the relationship is over. She is a slut and never to be trusted again. Why is that? Because boys are just easier. *Disclaimer* This does not apply to the good men that don’t subscribe to this incredibly flawed line of thinking.

Where else does this flawed logic show up? These same men have daughters. The standards for the daughter is vastly different than the standards for the son (see the worst-case scenario manifestation of that here or here). He threatens to murder any man that comes within a mile of dating his daughter, he explains how he will keep her from having sex, enact a curfew of 6 p.m., and jokes that she will only wear turtle necks and floor-length skirts. She must cover-up when male family members come over. She can’t leave the house without an escort. And when she grows she is sent out into the world as a closeted and ashamed sexual being to date boys/men who were raised like her brother. No couth. No standards. No general understanding of women. Almost doomed to be broken several times before eventually settling for someone that breaks her the least. She is never taught to be single and to understand herself or to casually date and get to know multiple men to see what she likes as she must save herself for some distant future husband to whom she will owe her body. If I am being completely candid, being a member of the black community, this buffoonery plagues us quite a bit. But there’s hope. Things are changing. We are collectively moving away from this flawed thinking. We are realizing that small thinking breeds small results.

Photo by Austin Chan on Unsplash

To the women and those who identify as such: Save yourself for yourself. Save yourself the heartache and the tearing that comes from dealing with an emotionally incompetent man who believes this is the jungle book and his infidelities and trauma-inducing behaviors are a fact of life. Save yourself the worry. Care for yourself. Travel, spend money, go have fun and build yourself without him so when you are finally ready you can be found by someone with the heart that is willing to love you. To the men and those who identify as such: Give yourself some credit. You are capable of controlling your own behavior and there is no force greater than your own will. Don’t expect what you aren’t willing to give and know that the energy that you put out will be the energy that returns. Raise the standard that you hold yourself to and walk away from the friends who would force you to keep them low. Correct those that make you seem strange for being better and smarter and empathetic. You’re smarter than you think and you don’t have to conform to societal standards that wish to hold you captive.