5 Lessons Child Abuse Taught Me
By: Max Takaesu Hsu
Tags: Personal Development, Personal Growth, Mental Health, Self-awareness, Mental Health Awareness

Lesson #1- Abuse Is Like Losing A Limb

Child abuse, indeed, any abuse, whether sexual, emotional, physical, or financial, permanently cripples.

People don’t easily forget negative experiences, especially ones that happened during their formative years. Chronic trauma stunts an individual’s growth and sentences them to solitary confinement… the story of my life! If you throw a frog into a pot of boiling water, the frog will reflexively leap out.

If you gently drop a frog in a pot of water and gradually raise its temperature, the frog will not jump out.

If you were constantly torn down and beaten as a kid, that burned tissue never fully heals.

Looking back, it wasn’t a handful of “acts of passion” that crippled me- but a schedule of violence that compounded over 15+ years.

No matter where you are, you cannot escape your past. Sometimes, a mind can move faster than a person’s body can handle; other times, the two hemispheres play “emotional ping pong” with each other.

Years of speaking with people makes you realize pieces of your puzzle are missing. You can feel their edges but don’t know what’s inside. You possess low behavioral control because that’s how you received attention. You can’t interpret certain thoughts or emotions, life is dreary, and probably, you harbor anger 24/7… Ad Infinitum.

But that does not mean you can’t find that missing link.

Although such crippling is daunting to rehabilitate, a person can still lead a happy and fulfilled life if he/she learns how to compensate with their remaining limbs.

Lesson #2- Be Grateful

Regardless of how “bad” you deem your situation- be grateful.

A simple mantra is easy to say but hard to do. However, a simple writing exercise every single day can help ease the process. Write 3 things you are grateful for because you need to build that resilience… I started building that resilience.

I get it. Maybe, you did not have the ideal upbringing, but you aren’t without kindred spirits in the world.

There’s no need to go float above your pain. There is someone, something, or an activity you love that will make you grounded- so keep your feet planted on firm soil.

Be grateful that although you were raised as a whipping boy or girl, that you were housed and fed. And if you weren’t housed and fed, be thankful you are alive.

According to Jocko Willink (retired Navy Seal officer), if you are alive and breathing, you still have some fight left inside you. My Okinawan great grandparents would say, “Ganbatte!”

Fight On.

As for me, I’m the “Wandering Warrior Poet” and found friends, acquaintances, and positive influences around the globe. Those interactions taught me to count my blessings- always to be grateful that I had food on the table and heat during the winter.

Every day I wake up, I train Martial Arts, write a little bit, travel a little, and do what I love- what more could I ask for? Happiness is in the eye of the beholder. My ancestors would say, “Ikigai!”

I’m trying to be grateful for the good moments right now. One day, my body will slow down, my brain will become mush, and my heart will malfunction.

Lesson #3- Don’t Pick Your Scabs

Sometimes, it’s okay to risk reinfection from the aliens (using an analogy) of the world… other times; it’s best to ward off evil.

Sometimes, it’s okay to be the assault victim that returns to berate the assailant- Other times, the fighter that fights and runs away lives to fight another day.

(This is a lesson; I continue to struggle with…. We all have our weaknesses, and that’s okay.)

People tend to be the moth that returns to the flame. Many individuals never break the cycle- It’s a challenging task. Especially when you love pitying yourself, you have blurred vision, and your aura is repellant.

I get it.

It’s more convenient to retrace the well-trod path of that abusive boyfriend, parent, friend, or toxic work. Please don’t do it.

Life is about getting better, so “progredire.”

These people wounded you, but when you scratch your scabs, you prolong their healing. I strive to break my cycle, so I prune my diseased tree’s rotten roots and branches to stimulate new growth.

Lesson #4- Many People Won’t Understand You- Let It Go

“Calm down. It’s not hard.”

“Can’t you control yourself?”

“Just forgive them already.”

“You had money; you don’t know what REAL abuse is.”

“There are people who have it tougher. Stop whining.”

“This guy’s complaining. He doesn’t know how bad it can get.”

Ad Infinitum.

People who have never been through abuse cannot understand your situation and feelings. Likewise, people who have been abused share your coping mechanisms but may be extremist and assert this is a battle you must WIN- therefore, they will chastise you.

Often, you will hear such seemingly well-intentioned or placatory statements. Many people will give you a neutral response to avoid confrontation OR challenge you to dismiss your feelings.

For better or worse, this is a world where each person’s situations, geographic location, and type of abuse are unique but share a common outcome- survivors of violence.

For example, my two older brothers always emphasized I had it “easier.” Maybe, their memories were and are far more carcinogenic than mine- I don’t know.

But you can’t agree: “Oh, maybe you’re right, I have it easier” because it never feels that way. So, let such comments be water passing under your bridge.

COLEY GELSIN.

Lesson #5- Lose The Battle, But Don’t Lose The War

Trauma is a tug of war between you (the victim) and your abuser.

But keep in mind, the tug of war of such family ties is not necessarily a Sisyphean struggle. You can go two steps forward and one step back, but as long as you don’t fall backward, you will eventually break the cycle.

The abuser is a vampire that wins if she or he infects and thereby creates more vampires. Remember, hurt people (tend to) hurt people- so tread with caution with a stake in hand.

It’s okay to lose a few battles, but don’t lose the war.

(It’s hard, I just lost my 4th battle, but I’m going to win the 100-year war.)