Can a Hopeless Romantic Be Polyamorous?
By: Emma Austin
Tags: Love, Dating, Polyamory, Relationships, Self

I’m drawn to romance. Not just because I used to think about my wedding day long before I even had a boyfriend; I’m also drawn to it in everything I enjoy.

I abandoned the heavy metal I listened to as a teenager and now listen almost exclusively to music that has a romantic flair. My playlist is full of songs that have a sweet sound, paint relationship scenarios, and make me think of love.

And I don’t even care for romantic comedies all that much because there’s too much focus on mishaps and humor. Instead, give me romantic dramas with more realistic depictions of relationships — messy, complicated, and beautiful.

It’s not just movies, though. I’m picky about real life relationships, too. I don’t fall in love easily, but when I do, I fall in love hard. I need a strong bond and deep intimacy.

I look at what people usually consider a “normal relationship” and it doesn’t really appeal to me. There’s just not enough closeness.

Lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about non-monogamy. But one thing that keeps nagging at me is whether I’m really built for it. Is it possible for a hopeless romantic like me to really open up my marriage instead of doubling down on my primary relationship?

I’m Not Looking for Grand Gestures

When I say I’m a hopeless romantic, I don’t mean that I expect grand gestures in my life.

I’m not looking for a bed covered in flower petals every weekend, a steady stream of surprise getaways, or show-stopping declarations of love in public.

And it’s a good thing, too, because my husband is not the type of person given to grand gestures. I think the closest he’s come to surprising me was the morning he decided to try his hand at making bagels. (It’s not a dozen roses and fireworks, but it was still very much appreciated.)

But he satisfies the hopeless romantic in me in another way: by being present.

We’re always there for each other and have each other’s backs. We do every mundane thing together, from grocery shopping to watching movies. Our days are completely intertwined. I know most people would consider this suffocating and consider that kind of attention overbearing, but that’s really what I want and need.

I’m One Anxious Lady

I’d like to say that this is all just an extension of my little girl dreams of finding my Prince Charming and living happily ever after.

But no, it’s not really that. If I’m honest, the reason I expect so much depth from a relationship is because I’m, well, a little bit needy.

I recently read an article by Redefining Love on attachment styles, and what I learned from it is that I approach relationships with anxious attachment.

It’s easy for me to feel insecure about my relationships with others. When I like someone, I tend to think they probably don’t like me as much as I like them. I’m even like this with my husband. Yes, after being in a committed relationship with him for almost 15 years and bearing his four children, I still sometimes wonder if he really likes me.

(This embarrassingly accurate article describes me to a T.)

I know, it’s a little messed up. But I grew up in an emotionally abusive household and that sort of thing leaves a trace, including some deep wounds that may never fully heal. So, for better or worse, it’s just the way I’m wired. And because of it, I need a lot of reassurance and a strong sense of security.

And I guess that’s why I’ve always figured I’m built for monogamy. If I need to be loved so intensely and so intimately, with that much attention and reassurance, then surely what I need is to nail down one person who I can depend on and who can spend all their time with me.

I’m lucky that I’ve found that with my husband. We have the same attachment styles, and he genuinely loves how intertwined our lives are. And if I’m going to be that close with him, then I can’t be spreading my love around, right?

Or, at least, that’s what I thought.

Hopelessly Devoted to You (And You… And You)

What I’m realizing these days is that I’ve had it all wrong.

I need to be devoted to someone and have them be devoted to me as well. But there’s no reason I can’t feel that way with more than one partner.

As a hopeless romantic with an anxious attachment style, I really like being married. I like having a rock-solid primary relationship with someone who will always be there for me. It gives me the constant security I need to function, because I know that no matter what happens, I will always have someone to unload my worries to, share my time with, and fall asleep next to.

I’m never going to replicate what I have with my husband with another man or woman. But lately, I can’t help but feel that love and romance is not a zero sum game. Loving someone so intensely doesn’t mean I can’t create another partnership built on mutual devotion.

I don’t just have a love life — love is my life. I have a lot of it to give, and I want to create a connection with someone new so I have someone to give it to.

Despite all that, I won’t be diving in head first. I’m ready to start a new relationship, but I’m not sure I’m ready to handle all of the emotional ups and downs that come with dating. Heartbreak, what ifs, fear of loss, fear of rejection — it would all be a little rough on me.

So, I’m open to creating a close bond with someone but I won’t be fishing for open-minded hotties on Tinder or hanging around bookstores hoping to meet someone cute.

I might be ready to date in the future. But for now, if I’m going to find someone to partner up with, it will have to happen organically. It will evolve out of a strong friendship. Or it will happen as a result of endless conversations, text messages, and phone calls that end in clingy “No, you hang up first” exchanges. (Just kidding. I’m a millennial, so I hate phone calls but you get the idea.)

I used to think being a hopeless romantic meant I’d have to master monogamy. But now I realize it means I’m able to love more than one person and to love them hard. If I ever meet someone else who can take that much devotion, I’ll be ready to carve out a big space for them in my life.