5 Myths About Bisexuality You Might Not Know Are Myths
By: Kravitz M.
Tags: Kravitz M, Sexuality, Bisexual, Queer, LGBTQ

Credit: 123RF

There are countless biphobic stereotypes, some of which we know like the back of their hand — we’re more likely to cheat, we’re lying, we’re all down for threesomes. There’s already a slew of articles dedicated to debunking these, and it’s easy to realize that they’re unfair to believe as they make judgments about individuals. However, there are many other myths, not only about bisexual-identified people but bisexual identity itself.

These misconceptions severely warp the public understandings of bisexuality, especially in LGBTQ circles. They largely go unchecked because bisexual history and activism are so feverishly buried. People find us baffling enough, but when myths float around about what bisexuality even is, not even all bisexuals can sort out the facts from the fiction. Worse, people who aren’t bisexual try defining our own sexuality for us, invalidating us in the process.

Below are five harmful assumptions about bisexuality that not to many people seem to know are inaccurate.

1. “Bisexuality Is Transgender-Exclusive”

Hardly anyone says this about other sexualities. If a lesbian dating a transgender woman is still a lesbian, and a straight woman dating a transgender man is still straight, why would a bisexual’s orientation change just by having a transgender partner? If being gay or straight isn’t transgender-exclusive, why would bisexuality be? Why should we let transphobes define what it means to be gay, straight, or bisexual?

The idea that bisexuals and transgender people are enemies actually feeds into biphobic and transphobic rhetoric. Bisexuals have been political allies to transgender and nonbinary people for decades, and there’s even an entire book dedicated to the similarities between us.

As long as people insist that we can clearly distinguish between transgender folks and everyone else, those who don’t know better (or do know “better” but don’t care) will believe it’s perfectly okay to deny attraction to us or even outright express repulsion. Saying bisexuality — or any sexuality — is transgender-exclusive excuses transphobic aversion and ignores the fact that transgender people come in all sexualities.

2. “Since ‘Bi’ Means ‘Two,’ ‘Bisexuality’ Is Attraction to ‘Two Genders’ or ‘Only Men and Women’”

This belief is a recent result of misconceptions about bisexuality and nonbinary identity. “Nonbinary,” like “transgender,” is not a third gender category but an umbrella term. People of all sexualities can be attracted to certain nonbinary people. Ergo, bisexuals are capable of attraction to people of any gender.

Even if bisexuality was “only men and women and no other genders” (which it’s never been defined as; “attraction to men and women” is not inherently exclusionary of other genders, just like saying “I like men” doesn’t automatically mean “I’m gay/straight”), some men and women are also nonbinary, and that doesn’t make our identities third and fourth genders. If we can acknowledge that male gayness (most commonly defined as “exclusively attracted to men”) and lesbianism (most commonly defined as “exclusively attracted to women”) include unaligned nonbinary people and that they can identify as gay or lesbian, there’s no reason for a sexuality defined as “attraction to men and women” would suddenly exclude them.

The “bi” in “bisexual” wasn’t meant to describe only “two genders,” but rather different-gender and same-gender attraction, just like “hetero” and “homo” represent “different” and “same.” If gay (same-gender-attracted) and straight (different-gender-attracted) people can be attracted to some nonbinary people, how would a bisexual (same- and different-gender-attracted) person suddenly not be? It’s nothing short of illogical to come to that conclusion.

Virtually zero bisexual organization defines bisexuality as just “attraction to two genders.” Hardly any directly reference the number two at all. The American Institute of Bisexuality (AIB) reminds us that “[b]sexuality is an orientation for which sex and gender are not a boundary to attraction,” and that “attraction to both same and different means attraction to all. Bisexuality is inherently inclusive of everyone, regardless of sex or gender.”

When “bi” did refer to two genders, it was simply because sexual orientation terms were coined under the assumption that only two existed, so it was both, A.K.A. all of the available options. Many bisexuals expanded their understanding once more identities came to light.

We’ve described ourselves as being attracted to people regardless of gender since the 1970s, if not earlier, and “all genders” definitions have been recorded since the 90s. People didn’t really start saying “‘bi’ means ‘two (or more)’” until the 2000s — and most of the people who did start saying that did not identify as bisexual. Odd how they thought they knew more about bisexuality than bisexuals.

If you can grasp why we don’t need to rename October to December just because “oct” means eight and “dec” means “ten,” you can understand why “bi” doesn’t owe allegiance to “two.” We don’t need to follow every single rule of language — we’re speaking English, not Latin. People can say that bisexuality “implies” two genders or a binary all they wish, but “fishy” implies something resembling a fish, but we also use it to describe suspicious things. We don’t need to take words so literally.

3. “Bisexuality Reinforces the Gender Binary”

Even if bisexuality was “attraction to men and women only,” the idea that such attraction reinforces the gender binary makes as much sense as saying gay men fortify the patriarchy simply via not being attracted to women. Sexuality is political, sure, but not in the sense where which gender(s) you fancy — which isn’t a choice — inherently supports oppressive systems. Nothing about “attraction to men and women” implies that those are the only two genders in existence.

Arguably, acknowledging attraction to both men and women threatens the male/female dichotomy — the gay/straight binary that delegitimizes bisexuality is founded on the belief that men and women are so inherently distinct that they’re mutually exclusive, thus being attracted to both (or being faithful or happily monogamous) is impossible. Although there are many bisexuals who only believe in two genders, bisexuality has little to do with such dualism. One could argue that the driving force of biphobia is gender dualism.

Bisexuality and nonbinary identity have a lot in common. Both bi and nonbinary people are accused of being a fake, trendy stepping stone towards a “real” identity. We’re both erased, fetishized, and misunderstood for being the “both,” the “neither,” the “in-between.” If anything, we’re parallels of each other. Hell, bisexuality was sometimes theorized as essentially only possible if one identified as both male and female. Discovering my bisexuality was what made me realize I was nonbinary in the first place, and I doubt I would identify as nonbinary at all if I wasn’t bisexual.

It’s interesting, to say the least, how people accuse bisexuality of being limited when our oppression directly stems from the fact that it’s not. Few people chastise gay and straight people for being “exclusive,” even though those sexualities explicitly exclude one of the two genders pitted as opposites. I sure do wonder why bisexuals are the only ones blamed for “reinforcing binaries.” It’s totally not biphobia or anything.

4. “All Bisexuals Have a Gender Preference”

A 2017 Pew Research Center study found that 43% of surveyed bisexuals said they were attracted to men and women equally. In the words of activist Naomi Tucker, “bisexuality says that gender is not a determining factor of sexual preference,” and “some of us are bisexual because we do not pay much attention to the gender of our attractions.” For a number of us, attraction has almost nothing to do with the gender of our partners. As an example, from one Karin Baker:

But there are also many bis, such as myself, for whom gender has no place in the list of things that attract them to a person. For instance, I like people who are good listeners, who understand me and have interests similar to mine, and I am attracted to people with a little padding here and there, who have fair skin and dark hair (although I’m pretty flexible when it comes to looks). ‘Male’ or ‘female’ are not anywhere to be found in the list of qualities I find attractive.

Not to mention, a major bisexual stereotype is that we don’t have a preference, that we’d sleep with “anything that moves,” that we’re equal parts gay and straight, and thus unable to be monogamous or faithful. Those of us with gender preferences are actively punished and erased for it. If we lean towards similar genders, we’re “really just gay” and too cowardly to fully come out of the closet. If we lean towards different ones, we’re “really just straight” and unwelcome in LGBTQ spaces. The people who don’t expect us to have equal attraction to all genders ask us which one we like “more” so they can erase the other component of our sexuality. The fact that this myth even exists shows how many people are disconnected from the reality of the bisexual community.

We shouldn’t expect people to be attracted to others in the exact same way every time. Individuals are unique, and there will be different things we like about each one. My attraction to tall guys contrasts with my attraction to short guys; to my attraction to shy people will differ from my attraction to outgoing people, regardless of gender. Trying to distinguish sexualities in terms of how we’re attracted to people is a bit unrealistic and throws people under the bus.

5. “The ‘Bisexual’ Label is Restrictive”

Words like “gay,” “bisexual,” and “straight” are descriptive, not prescriptive. They’re simply a way of communicating which gender(s) you like. The only way a label that indicates your attraction patterns would inherently be “limiting” is if you believe that one word is supposed to encapsulate every single part of you, which is unrealistic and nowhere near the purpose of identity labels. Words cannot dictate your life, and there’s more wiggle room in them than people make it seem. The notion that identity is rigid or impedes on your freedom purely because it has a name is not only disrespectful but rather unfounded.

As Emma Seely explains in “Bi Is Enough,” bisexuality is a vast in its manifestations. There is no single experience that we all must fit into.

There is and always has been variation in our community, variation in levels of attraction, in fluidity of attraction, in dating experiences, and in self-conceptualization, and that is part of what makes the bisexual community so beautiful and so powerful. In the same way that lesbian, gay, and transgender people are not monolithic groups and are comprised of people with vastly different experiences and ways of understanding their experiences, bisexual people are united not due to our uniformity but because of our common position in a patriarchal society and our common struggle against it.

Arguably, a good chunk of the perception that bisexuality is “limiting” is due to bisexuality being erased from history coupled with the slew of misconceptions about the people who identify with it, leading to the idea that adopting bisexual label means trapping oneself in these caricatures. But society’s demonizing portrayals of us do not define bisexuality itself. To disagree is to victim-blame.

Now, the other good chunk of people saying bisexuality is restrictive? They’re the ones actually doing the restricting.

Ask someone to explain why they believe what they do, and they’ll say, “bisexuality doesn’t include more than two — let alone all — genders,” or “bisexuality is transphobic,” or “bisexuality is binary,” or “bisexuality revolves around a gender preference,” or “bisexuality is exclusively sexual,” when none of this is true. These claims are the result of forcing ahistorical definitions and otherwise dehumanizing assumptions onto our label. Bisexuals have discussed our orientation in open-ended, gender-expansive ways and written about how it defies gender and sexuality dichotomies for decades longer than most people insisting otherwise have been alive. To say our identity is “limiting” is to arbitrarily police what we can be to fit one’s worldview.

All “bisexual” means is that you experience attraction which is not exclusively gay or straight — which, considering the variation in how we can experience that attraction, is actually an incredibly vague concept. It’s why many of us feel liberated by using this label. It isn’t merely a string of letters; it’s a community, a history, a sense of self, an enigma to some, a threat to others, and sometimes a key to unlocking new perspectives on issues of gender and sexuality.

There are countless ways to be bisexual, just like there are countless ways to be straight or gay or anything else, and we should celebrate the incredible diversity in our communities and identity.