Being fat isn’t a crime. So why does it feel like one?
By: Emily Lane
Tags: Self, Life Lessons, Personal, Body Image, Fat

Being fat isn’t a crime. So why does it feel like one?

Here we are, in 2020. The most important and inclusive time to be alive in a fat body. I feel very grateful to be experiencing life as a fat person now, because of the resources, role models, and movements made to cater to my specific lifestyle. I don’t want to diminish how far we’ve come, however, I think more straight-sized people need to hear stories from those of us in fat bodies. Understanding other’s experiences is the gateway to change.

I’ve been fat for most of my life. I grew up in the 90s and early 2000s, and the people I had to look to in the media always had these thin stomachs (cue Britney Spears VMA 2001 performance of “I’m a Slave 4 U” video that I watched on repeat) but my experience was so much different. I never had that thin stomach. I remember being 14 and having a child at church look at my stomach and say “Is there a baby in your tummy”?

I was made fun of from elementary school into high school for my weight, and I remember one girl specifically making fun of me (in a Myspace comment) because I was first in line to get food at an event. I’d never really noticed my weight until people pointed it out. Another time, a friend's mom said very loudly at a pool party “my god, she already has stretch marks!” I was 12, and until that point, I’d never noticed them before. Even now when I look in the mirror, that’s all I see.

I understood at a young age that no matter how good of a person I was, people would judge my character based on my body size. I still think this rings true today.

A lot has changed since I was growing up. However, I think we still have a long way to go.

To expand on that musing, here are some noteworthy interactions I’ve had in the last year:

A friend of mine messaged me after a photo shoot I did (where I felt beautiful) to tell me that I had a beautiful face. That’s it. Just my face. And for anyone who’s fat and gotten this comment before, we know what you’re saying. You’re saying “Your face is pretty, but not the rest of you.” I can’t help but think that in any other context, that would seem pretty rude. Because it is.

I went to the doctor to refill a prescription, and they said that they wanted to get me on another medication to, and I quote “help me lose the weight.” I thought to myself “That’s funny, doctor. I don’t remember coming in here to discuss my weight.” Every single doctor’s appointment ends in my doctor recommending that I do something to lose “the weight”. I understand that being fat is the gateway to serious diseases, and I don’t mean to downplay that at all, but when I go to get my omeprazole refilled I’m not really thinking about how jiggly my stomach is.

I took a flight (pre-covid) where I sat next to someone who, despite the fact that I fit into JUST my seat, took it upon herself to try and encroach on my space and sigh loudly every time her leg touched mine. Mind you, she was trying to lay down horizontally in her one (1) seat, but somehow I was the problem. She kept sitting up, huffing loudly, and shoving the armrest down between us (it was already down), and then attempting to situate herself again. This happened for the entire 6-hour flight. And, after we landed, I overheard her telling the front desk agent that she needed to be seated alone on the next leg of her flight.

Someone (who is a size XS) offered to let me borrow their jacket when I was cold and then laughed when I said “Thank you but I don’t think it’d fit me.” It kind of felt like they did it on purpose, just to point out the fact that we weren’t the same size.

It’s weird to live a life where you consistently feel like you inconvenience the people around you. These, along with other experiences have led me to start conversations with things like “I hope I don’t break that chair” or “I hope I fit in that booth” because if I do, at least I’ve given the caveat that I’ve thought about it not working out in my favor. I feel like I consistently have to be on the defense because I never know when someone is going to say or do something hurtful based solely on how they feel about my weight. It’s so bizarre to me to think that I can upset someone just by existing.

It’s also exhausting. I want to live in a world that is built for everyone, not just straight-sized individuals. I want people to stop making unwarranted comments about my body. I want to exist without being afraid of who I’m bothering by doing so. It’s not easy being told your body is ugly and unhealthy when all you’re trying to do is survive the best way you know how.

If the worst thing I am is fat, I think I’m doing alright.