What a “Toxic” Relationship Really Feels Like
By: Colleen Murphy
Tags: Self, Toxic Relationships, Relationships, Love, Self Improvement

What Toxic Really Means

Relationships are by definition, the way in which two people are connected to one another. When it becomes toxic, two people have become dependent on one another for how they feel. Instead of being self-sufficient and finding their value in the world by what they contribute, they depend on their partner to make them feel good.

In place of a genuine connection between partners, you find manufactured drama. By fighting, toxic partners can feel some emotion for each other by fearing loss of the relationship. This descends into a cycle of bickering and disagreement followed by making up, maybe followed by great sex. Then, just for a moment the relationship feels like true love.

But it never was.

So how do you know if it’s toxic?

Because it happens again. And again.

A relationship that requires an injection of drama to feel connected is a relationship that has no connection. You find yourself trying to calculate what you can do to keep the other person happy. It is a downward spiral where you constantly feel in the wrong.

And in an effort to keep the relationship, you lose more and more of yourself. Your passions disappear. Your sense of self starts to evaporate. Life becomes an anxious, depressing effort and you have no idea how you got there.

Warning Signs:

You never feel free : You can barely get through a conversation without mentioning their name. You are consumed with one subject. People quietly drift out of your life. The brave few may comment on your relationship obsession but most people just disappear.

: You can barely get through a conversation without mentioning their name. You are consumed with one subject. People quietly drift out of your life. The brave few may comment on your relationship obsession but most people just disappear. You can’t live without them : You have given up so many things over time. All of your sacrifices to keep the relationship alive have become the meaning in your life. So you are left wondering what you even have left without this person.

: You have given up so many things over time. All of your sacrifices to keep the relationship alive have become the meaning in your life. So you are left wondering what you even have left without this person. You feel like you are always wrong : The drama is all-consuming and pointed in your direction. You have to have done something wrong to keep up the cycle of fighting and making up. But it takes its toll.

: The drama is all-consuming and pointed in your direction. You have to have done something wrong to keep up the cycle of fighting and making up. But it takes its toll. It is exhausting. Being in a toxic relationship consumes your energy. When you are with them, you just want to get away. And when you do pull away, you feel nervous. Being manipulated has aftershocks. Drama breeds more drama. You begin to believe this partnership is what you need when in fact, it is the anchor weighing you down.

What Healthy Really Means

The relationship between two healthy partners can be described as interdependent. According to Dr. Barton Goldsmith on Psychology Today, interdependence is where two people, both strong individuals, are involved with each other, but without sacrificing themselves or compromising their values.

A balanced relationship requires independence for each partner. By maintaining your career ambitions, your friendships and your creative endeavors you maintain your individuality. Only by taking care of yourself as an individual can you contribute to a balanced partnership.

The catch is that a toxic partner will not stand for it. An independent partner is a threat. A threat to the drama that fuels the unhealthy attachment in the relationship. By giving you your freedom, they know that means giving up dominance in the relationship and maybe the relationship itself.