Ask Julie: “I Want To Take It Slow But I Keep Rushing Into Relationships!”
By: Julie Nguyen
Tags: Jealousy, Relationship Advice, Love, Attachment Theory, Dating

Ask Julie: “I Want To Take It Slow But I Keep Rushing Into Relationships!”

Curio’s relationship columnist, Julie Nguyen, answers readers’ questions on dating, sex, love, and everything in between.

Photo by Bruce Christianson on Unsplash

Dear Julie,

Whenever I meet someone that I’m remotely interested in, I can’t stop myself from falling head over heels goo-goo gaga infatuation with them. I immediately want to commit, even if I know we’re not the best fit. That’s resulted in me getting into relationships that end up in tears and heartbreak. I’m trying to change that, I really am. I don’t want to keep getting hurt. Things are different and I’m seeing someone new. I think I could really commit to her and I know that means I can’t rush into things. It’s only been a few dates and I can see it freaks her out when I start planning too far in advance. I want to take it slow but it’s hard for me to remember to pause when I get this excited around her. I don’t want to ruin a good thing, what can I do? Help!

~ Trying To Smell The Roses

Dear Trying to Smell The Roses,

I’m sorry this has backfired for you in the past and it’s led to a lot of heartbreak. You won’t ruin a good thing by pumping the brakes. It takes time to get to know someone and trust them enough to share those intimate aspects. But you’re tunneling towards the happily-ever-after ending with so much speed that there’s no time for patient growth. I suspect that your past relationships have suffered from the pace because the connection is motivated not out of pure love but out of fear.

For real intimacy to take place, it doesn’t always look like a rom-com romance filled with technicolor, storybook scenes. Those grand gestures aren’t the memories you replay when you’re alone. Real intimacy is a slow build, cobbled together through a collection of quiet moments that you can’t plan for, you just happen into them — comfortable silence, inside jokes, vulnerable conversations that spill out at three in the morning, being there when you need each other, etc. All of these times coalesce to form a connection with depth.

It is not about the current person you are dating or anyone else you’ve been previously interested in because they are all representing a noted pattern in your romantic history. This is about you. To me, it sounds like you are chasing the illusion of commitment, a gold rush, a flash of the girl (any girl) in her brightest, shiniest moment. But she’s more than whatever image you might be compressing and relating her into for your romantic daydreams. She gets a say in how the relationship progresses too and you both deserve to be seen fully.

Entering a new relationship should feel pleasurable and spectacularly exciting when you are doing it for the right reasons — the catalyst for getting together shouldn’t be out of obligation (societal and/or personal), or because of the perceived strength of the other person’s feelings. While it seems like you’re being emotionally available because you’re seemingly gung-ho ready for a relationship, I challenge that the way you are moving can be as devastating as being emotionally unavailable for both parties. It hurts you when it implodes because you really wanted it to work, but it hurts them to not be seen in all of their states and appreciated for their unique specialness. Arguably, we are all presenting our best selves in the early stages of a relationship. That’s why it could feel disingenuous, and almost emotionally immature, to fall so quickly when you’re both still holding your cards close to your chest. Anything taken to an extreme like this just isn’t sustainable.

You’re smart; you already laid out the answer and how to fix it in your note, Trying To Smell The Roses. But knowing the answer and understanding it intellectually won’t cause profound shifts in your life if you haven’t demonstrated it in your actions. It’s not about modifying yourself or executing X + Y to get the girl, because all you are doing is introducing strategy into this very automatic response you have. It’s a gamified approach that is keeping you in your head and taking you away from the bigger question: really, what is the rush? Are you excited about her or more excited about the notion of falling in love? Are you afraid that if she knew who you really were, it would change things? What is making you move so fast? What parts of yourself are you amplifying and hiding to secure the relationship?

Don’t treat the slow down as an item on your to-do list that you have to check off and that’s it, the problem is now solved. It’s too transactional. Quick fixes will only function as a temporary band-aid that will only put you back into a loop with someone else until you confront the underlying issue. Reflect on your lack of presence in the relationship and when your anxiety slips in because your insecurities can push logic away. See if she’s genuinely right for you, not because she’s filling some temporary void. Notice the details and back up when you start to feel reckless. Throw away your smooth script, your go-to moves, and get to know the person in front of you for who they are, not a projection. Remember that dating is supposed to be fun and carefree! The stakes aren’t high yet so you can be your amazing, awkward, weird, real self and see what vibes with you. People will find it more appealing than you think. Thank you for writing in and good luck!