You Are Who You Think You Are (or are you?)
By: Bonnie Lyons
Tags: Growth, Self Improvement, Authenticity, Emotional Intelligence, Consistency

As I almost always do, I took to Instagram to ask those around me whether or not consistency was important to them. Why consistency, if the concept of this article is unpacking an authentic sense of self? Well, to manifest a life of authenticity into your existence, it needs to be consistent with the life you live. I came to learn that while most people find consistency important, it is contextual… so let us narrow this discourse down a little. By way of narrowing it down I would like to introduce the concept of emotional intelligence. Bear with me.

Emotional intelligence is multifaceted. It is first our ability as humans to comprehend emotions — both our own and others — which then aids in working out how to use said emotions on a day to day basis in different aspects and situations throughout our lives. Whilst that seems straightforward, it is a delicate road to navigate as it alludes to the roots of one’s sense of self which, if it is not authentic, will only make the journey along that aforementioned timeline much more complex.

Studies around emotional intelligence in the business world have been booming, especially this last decade, ultimately prompting a rise in conversation about emotional intelligence in the personal sense, too. However, through my studies of the business world, emotional intelligence has most commonly been used in the exploration of trait theories in order to differentiate a leader from a non-leader. In this world, alike to the society we live in, such intelligence is measured via individual assessments. Research by Masrek, Osman, Ibrahim and Mansor (2015) outline that such assessments of intelligence ‘…view[ing] emotions as useful sources of information that help one to make sense and navigate the social environment’ (p.238).

Whilst this is true in the scope of the business world, it can just as easily fit into our day-to-day lives. I denote that it is not the assessments themselves that will improve the performance of the person, but rather how it is integrated into the life of the individual.

Without realising, we perform individual assessments on ourselves everyday which are masked as self-judgement and criticism in a bid to deplete our self esteem and sense of self. Such assessments can be turned around in the form of constructive criticism; constructive being the operative. If you are unsure on how to perform this individually, approach someone in your circle you trust and ask for some constructive feedback/criticism. It does not have to be instant (let them think if they need to) and it does not have to be about anything in particular, unless you want it to or you are aware of something about yourself that you want to work on. This opens up a safe space to communicate in, along with a new dimension to a friendship or relationship that you may not have know existed.

An important thing to note with such feedback is to do your best to step back from your feelings associated with it. That is, try not to take it to heart and become defensive. Criticism is hard – no matter what it is or who it comes from. I freely admit that learning to not jump to my defences has been a personal struggle of mine. Whilst I have not yet mastered it, overtime I have learned to listen, absorb and take time to think about the criticism I have received, then decide whether or not it is something that I am ready to work on.

Please note that just because there is a piece of constructive criticism, it does not always need action. That is up to you to individually assess and decide on, which highlights the importance of taking that pause. Herein lies the link between emotional intelligence and authenticity; specifically working towards an authentic sense of self.

Doubling back, I note that consistency is not an emotion, rather a learned trait that runs parallel with authenticity. It is the act of remaining consistent in your self assessment and growth to combine your sense of being into your lived experience. Basically, in order to have a more authentic sense of self, you must remain consistent in your journey – a journey such as the realisations that come from learning about emotional intelligence.

Think about the last time you got on a plane. When going through the mandatory safety procedures for oxygen masks, the instructions are to fit your own mask before assisting others who may be struggling with theirs. Why? Because you cannot help others if you do not help yourself first.

I reiterate: if you are someone who lives a life to serve others, you must serve yourself first… for you will then have a much larger capacity to serve others, no matter what that looks like for you.