What’s Overwhelming Me Right Now?
By: Marilyn Flower
Tags: Life Lessons, Mental Health, Family, Self, Covid 19

The Coronavirus feels overwhelming right now.

I’ve been able to keep it on the back burner of my mind, simmering. Yes, I’d occasionally walk by and give the pot a quick stir. Stirs appropriate for a very low boil.

Such as, gee I should buy some more masks. Or God bless President-Elect Biden for taking it seriously and putting together a competent team. How soon is Jan. 20th?

But the more time goes on, the more people I know have brushes with death. A dear friend lost her father. A former co-worker had it.

The brushes are coming closer.

My cousin, who lives down the hall in an assisted living center, was exposed when her aide tested positive. She went on quarantined, and so far, she and my mom are negative.

Meanwhile, I’m reading more and more stories by fellow writers here on Medium. As far as I’m concerned, these are near-death experiences. Not something I’d wish on my worst enemy. Horrifying, gut-wrenching, sobering in the sense of making the out there in my face.

And now, tomorrow and Saturday, my nieces are flying home to my sister’s for Christmas. The one niece is bringing her husband and 15-month-old baby. So three households merging in a state that limited folks to two over Thanksgiving. A state where they’ve re-closed restaurants and other non-essential businesses.

I’m not so worried about the precautions they’ll take there. I know they will be very careful. My sister’s in the medical field, which helps.

But it’s the airports and plane rides that knock me for a loop. That’s where I believe the higher risk is. The unknowns, like the other passengers. The ones who don’t believe this is real and may be less than vigilant.

I was all about, let’s postpone for a few months till we get the vaccines going. But now, what I’m hearing about that is disconcerting. The fact that the research was rushed, that it’s two installments, to be renewed every 90 days, and that the Pfizer drug is dangerous for folks with allergies — which would be me.

And 80% of the population would need to be vaccinated to create the heard immunity they’re hoping for. So it looks and feels like another year, at least before we’re out of the woods.

Even though I’ve been trying to take this one day at a time, THAT feels overwhelming.

Early Morning Insomnia

Waking up early in the morning, and not being able to go back to sleep feels overwhelming.

When my mind starts racing about all I have to do, that doesn’t help. I retake the Rescue Remedy and melatonin supplements I take a bedtime to no avail. Doing my day when I’m this tired feels like one hand is tied behind my back. Or one eyelid is clamped shut. Either way, I’m not playing with a full deck.

The number of projects I have going at the moment need and deserve someone wide awake to handle them. Take today, for example. I have a couple of phone calls with church business and a book study group I co-lead.

(My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending our Hearts and Bodies, by Resmaa Menakem if you’re interested. I highly recommend it!)

I also have pages to share with my writer’s group, as well as a poetry workshop I am co-hosting. The magic of Zoom means I can fit more of these sessions in my day. Is that overwhelming?

Thank God I can write in my sleep, or you wouldn’t be reading this. That’s a joke, but just barely!

Actually, writing is something so intrinsic to my day, it helps calm my nerves and gives me something positive to focus on. Even when the content isn’t, the process buoys me up.

It’s reassuring to know that no matter what, I am a writer. And no matter what, I can and do write.

It’s also reassuring to know you are out there reading this. I draw support from knowing I’m part of a community of my fellows who struggle with this or similar issues.

And that reading is a way of witnessing and acknowledging each other. It helps me to accept myself exactly as I am to know you do as well.

Thanks for listening and witnessing. It means a lot to me!