To my body
Tags: Body Image, Love Yourself, Soul

Fuck. I feel like you need 1,000 years of sleep. You’re begging me, but I cant give that to you because you don’t live that long.

I’ve really been feeling separate from you, my body lately. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. Maybe it’s neither.

You, my body have brought me through my life for 27 years. I took care of you the best I could, but the pain in my mind from the abuse I went through slowly ate away at you. It was being pressed down further and further into my mind and soul but it had to come out somehow. It seeped out of my mind and into my body. She screamed at me for help for years, but I couldn’t understand what she was saying. The pain in my mind gave me no respect for myself. I continued to allow myself to be abused for 7 more years into my adulthood and ignored my body’s pleading to make it stop. For that, my beautiful body, I am so sorry.

You have brought me through my life the best you could. I want to be ever so gentle with you from now on and for the rest of your life. I want to listen to you when you talk to me. I have been for the first time these past few months. I want to hear even your lowest inaudible whisper. I want you to heal and feel better. You deserve that. I have been much too harsh on you. I am sorry. I’m sorry I take out my frustrations on you. You have brought me some of the most beautiful sensations. The feeling of touch, smell, the taste of food, euphoria, strength and hearing peaceful things like peoples voices and the wind blowing. You allowed me to run, ride a bike, swim in the ocean, walk and climb mountains. Your hands have healed many people in their precision, steadiness and skill. You have painted beautiful things that your hands too. You have brought me so many beautiful things in this life.

I want to honor more than I ever have before. I want to never again bury things away in my mind that hurt you. I need to put myself in an environment that facilitates that. Surround myself with human beings that are kind and gentle for my soul. It sounds simple, but it is actually very hard to find. Regardless, you deserve that and so much more.

I feel like being lost in my mind allows my body to heal from the trauma brought onto my mind. I think it helps me heal from the trauma when I am lost in my mind and that trauma no longer seeps out into my body. Music really helps me get into that space I think. It’s allowing my body to heal.

I don’t know if it is so much about reframing my memories. No matter how you slice it, it’s terrible. I think the key is working through negative self thoughts and core beliefs that came about due to traumatic experiences. Like why do I think so terribly about myself? It’s because this abuse over and over again led me to believe I’m a bad person. Seeing past the bullshit of lies that were repeated to me over and over again. It’s actually so hard.

It feels like wafting through knee deep mud while in a sandstorm that is piercing your eyes and blowing at 100 miles an hour. It would just be easier and let yourself sink into the mud and die. You have to have the will to live to make the journey through the shit.

It seems crazy to me that I have made it this far. I used to hate myself so much. I still have a long way to go, but this love that I have for myself that I never had before has really been the key to happiness. Like honestly, that’s the answer to life right there. Theres no way of knowing if anything else is real, but yourself. If happiness depends on another person, no wonder I was always freaking out and still do. I can’t control someone else. Only me.