Eye-contact optional. What’s the best way to have meaningful…
By: Trish Allison
Tags: Communication, Parenting, Kids, Children, Equality

The most effective way to have meaningful talks with kids

The events of ​2020 have forced so many heart-to-heart talks between adults and children that, frankly, could have occurred later in their growing-up years. No one wants to have those talks, but sometimes, it can’t be avoided.

Thankfully, there are some easy ways to make uncomfortable conversations as successful and comfortable as possible.

Shame-free zone

Rule #1: Don’t force eye contact. The older they get, kids need an increasing amount of time and personal space to process whatever it is you’re telling them. It might feel counter-intuitive to you to avoid eye contact when trying to explain something important, but kids are different.

Looking directly in their eyes when you’re talking about something they need to understand could potentially make them feel like they did something wrong. And the last thing you want to do here is to make your child spend the entire conversation trying to figure out what they did wrong.

Instead, to get your point across, it’s best to have meaningful conversations when your child has the option of looking straight ahead (e.g., when you’re in the car together, or on a walk, or cooking, or watching T.V., etc.).

Jennifer Kolari, a Toronto therapist and author of Connected Parenting: How to Raise a Great Kid, tells us, “the car is a great place to talk with kids at the elementary-school age-they don’t have to make eye contact with you, which can make some kids uncomfortable.”

But do maintain the option of looking at each other if parts of the conversation warrant comfort from you. For example, if you’re driving in your car together and looking straight ahead, you can avoid looking at each other when parts of the conversation are uncomfortable. But you can always turn your heads to look at each other when you feel like your child needs your emotional support.

Timing is everything

Rule #2: Make sure it’s the right time. Trying to have a conversation when your child is playing a game (digital or otherwise), reading, or watching TV seldom works. They’ll probably find it intrusive before you even start talking. Plus, you won’t have their full attention.

If it’s not the right time, wait.

​Also, try to have your conversation immediately after a scenario that exemplifies what you want to teach. Kids learn most efficiently when they can relate the concept to a real-world experience. If too much time elapses, it can be hard for them to make a connection between an incident and what you’re saying.

For example, suppose your adult brother, Jim, makes a racist comment during a holiday gathering, and your 9-year-old son hears the comment. Try to take him aside shortly thereafter and explain that, unlike Uncle Jim, your family believes that everyone, regardless of their race, deserves the same kindness and respect as everyone else.

Finally, you know your child best. You know the right time and place to have a successful conversation. But remember to fold the advice in this article into your strategy. You’ll be glad you did.