Why I Don’t Regret Marrying My Ex-Husband
By: Elle Silver
Tags: Marriage, Divorce, Love, Relationships, Self

Why I Don’t Regret Marrying My Ex-Husband

I thought it was the best choice at the time.

Photo by Zoran Zonde Stojanovski on Unsplash

Would have. Could have. Should have. If only we’d made better choices in the past.

We especially have these thoughts if we’ve gone through the difficult experience of getting a divorce.

What if I didn’t marry my ex? What if I chose to marry someone else? What if I decided to stay single?

I’d be happy now! My life would be perfect!

Or would it?

Believe me — I’ve asked myself the same questions more than once. As I look back on the wreckage of my failed marriage, I’ve wondered if I could have made a better choice in a spouse.

What would have happened had I never married my ex?

But then I ask myself what other decision could I have made at the time? I always come back to the same conclusion.

I sincerely thought I made the best choice in a husband when I chose him.

Knowing this, I forgive myself.

I met my ex at a time when I desperately wanted to settle down.

When I first met my husband, I hadn’t been in a serious relationship in years. It wasn’t from a lack of trying. I’d had serious boyfriends in my twenties — but in my early thirties, my romantic life was in the toilet.

As a thirty-something-year-old, I’d had a few short-term relationships, none of which worked out. By the time I met my husband, I was desperate to settle down.

My desire to find the right man to marry was only intensified by the fact my mother was ill. I was back home, living with my parents out in the suburbs, after years of living abroad.

I was bored and unhappy. How could I not be? My mother was dying before my very eyes.

This was the state I was in when I met my soon-to-be husband.

At first, he filled a need in my life.

After years of dating men who left me feeling empty and alone, I fell hard and fast for the man who’s now my ex.

He was loving and caring — a traditional guy. Making it known early on that he wanted a serious relationship, he was a breath of fresh air.

He told me from the beginning that he wanted to start a family. After feeling let down by so many men, here was this educated guy who loved to travel as much as I did. He was interesting to talk to, and seemed to truly like me.

Why wouldn’t I want to date him?

I met his family and they welcomed me with open arms. This was exactly what I’d always wanted. I’d always wanted to feel like I belonged to something bigger than myself.

So why would I ever turn my back on that?

The sex was good. We enjoyed each other’s company enough that after six months of seeing each other, we moved in together.

Yes, there were things about him from the get-go that I knew were definitely “unconventional.” Red flags, more like it — but I didn’t realize this at the time.

I knew he was extremely messy. He was disorganized. His income stream was unstable. Having bought up a lot of real estate quickly, he seemed to be always one step away from total financial destruction.

I had my chance to escape. We were only engaged then. I could have easily broken it off.

But why would I have?

Leaving would have meant going back to being a lonely, single female. Even worse, my mom was gone by then.

Why would I give up a perfectly fine relationship over a few flaws?

How was I supposed to know that these small flaws would explode into full-on issues once we lost everything in the financial crisis of 2008?

I only realized my marriage might not work out once I was already in too deep.

It was only after we’d had two children that our marriage began to implode. It was only after our finances took a beating in the housing crisis that I perceived the first signs that we might not make it as a couple.

It was only after I’d let my now ex-husband borrow money in my name, which he invested in a Ponzi scheme, that I started to see how erratically he was acting.

It was only after I’d also had to claim bankruptcy that my now ex-husband’s mental health began to falter.

It was only then I began to realize that our marriage might not work out. So it’s not like I could have “dodged a bullet” in the beginning.

At the beginning of our relationship, things were very good.

By the time they weren’t so good anymore, I was stuck.

I couldn’t have avoided marrying my ex-husband.

And still, as I look back on my failed marriage, I sometimes wonder if I could have made a better choice in a husband.

I should have known better than to marry him. But then I keep coming back to the same conclusion.

I sincerely thought I made the best choice at the time.

Besides, when I look back, I see that by not marrying my ex, I would have given up all the good things he did give me.

He helped me get over my mother’s death. He opened up my world. He deepened my life.

So I refuse to look back at my failed marriage and think about how I could have avoided it.

My marriage didn’t work out — but there were still good parts about it.

Besides, I can’t change the past anyway. I can only move forward, knowing I tried my best at every point in life.