A Gynecologist Used Violence Against Me During My First Birth
By: Hadir Ramadan
Tags: This Happened To Me, Motherhood, Beyourself, Violence

A Gynecologist Used Violence Against Me During My First Birth

How many times have you been subjected to violence?

How many times couldn’t you complain and shut up?

How many times your reaction was only crying?

It has been 10 months since I gave birth to my first child. I couldn’t get over the suffering and pain of childbirth yet. I have a lot of mixed feelings between anger and oppression that I haven’t been able to relieve until today. Whenever I remember what happened to me I cry bitterly. I have never forgotten the memories of that day as if it was yesterday.

I woke up on January 6, 2020, with a slight ache in my back. I never doubted it was labor pains. I am still at the beginning of my ninth month, the fifth day specifically. I got out of bed thinking I fell asleep in a wrong way or something. The pain increased in an exaggerated way, and I could never stand up. I tried to sit on the sofa and couldn’t either.

My husband called the doctor and informed him of my condition. The doctor reassured my husband, saying that she is still at the beginning of the ninth month. Don't worry. Give her some painkillers and she’ll be better soon. To be more comfortable, you can take her and go to the hospital to check on her condition and the baby.

On the way to the hospital, I was in very bad condition. Excruciating pain all over my body, Severe heaviness in my ventral from below. My strength started failing and I felt like I was about to faint.

A doctor quickly examined me and told my husband and I that I would give birth in half an hour from now. I started crying and screaming so hard not only because of the pain but because I was not prepared psychologically.

And the suffering began...

As soon as I entered the operating room, the doctor started screaming at me because I was crying from the intensity of the labor pains and the sudden birth. I became more afraid of the doctor’s screaming and loud voice. He never calmed me down but rather asked the nurse to put her hand on my mouth to silence my crying. He also asked his aides to tie my hands aside so that I wouldn’t move much while he was performing the procedure.

There are no words to describe my feelings at this moment. I was expecting these moments to be some of the happiest memories of my life. But what happened gave me dread, panic, and led me not to think at all about pregnancy and childbirth again.

Not only did the doctor do that, but he numbed me completely, and I didn’t feel anything. I can only remember simple flashes like the sound of my baby’s crying when out of life and the doctor screaming at those around him. I don’t know how to get past this screaming yet. When I hear someone shout at those around them, I remember what happened to me.

After I woke up I was feeling very cold due to the anesthetic effect. Little by little I started feeling the pain of the wound as a result of the operation. I later found out that the wound was very large than usual. The doctor caused it because the baby was at risk of suffocation while he was born. Due to the exposure of the baby to suffocation, he had green bruises all over his body, which were completely visible on his skin. These bruises are still present today. I cried a lot because of all that I went through. Nothing cures the pain I’m feeling so far. Will I ever be able to forget everything that happened? I really hope so.