Why You Need to Start Talking To Your Anxiety Now
By: Daniel Skomer
Tags: Self Improvement, Anxiety, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Life

Why You Need to Start Talking To Your Anxiety Now

It might just change your life forever

It’s exhausting, isn’t it? I know. I’ve been there. As if the constant stress and fear and helplessness weren’t enough to deal with. As if you don’t already want to curl up under a blanket and let the world disappear.

Isn’t it enough just to make it through the day? Isn’t it alright to just scrape through? To navigate the troubled waters of panic attacks and dodgy bowels, of aches and sweats and sleepless nights? Don’t you do enough?

Well, no.

Because on top of all that, there’s the endless, well-meaning but overbearing advice. It comes from all sides. From the doctor who wants to medicate you, the therapist who wants to explore your past, the counselor who wants you to meditate.

It comes from your family, from your friends, from your colleagues. It comes in all forms. It comes in response to the questions you’ve asked. It comes, unsolicited, from questions you haven’t. It comes when it’s all that you want and when it’s the last thing you need.

You seek it out too. You read the books, the articles, the how-to guides. And every time you do, you’re told something new.

Try this! Try that! Breathe… Breathe slower… Breathe mindfully!

It just never stops. It’s the burden of all who suffer from issues of mental health to fix themselves. To be their own advocate. To heal. And it’s exhausting.

Overloaded and Underwhelmed

Of course, each time you see a new tip, or trick, or piece of advice, you welcome it with open arms. Of course you do, you’re desperate, you’ll try anything once! But that’s the problem.

Much of the strategies and techniques we hear about work. They are proven to work. But they only work if you put the time in. If you practise religiously day after day after day. And most of us don’t. It’s too hard. We’re too distracted. There’s another thing we’ve been told to try so we’ll give that a go instead.

Sound familiar? You are not alone. So many of us have been there. Many of us never leave.

It’s time to simplify

So, with that in mind, I want to make a suggestion. Let’s simplify, let’s pick a single strategy and stick with it. Honestly, I think if you can do that, it may not matter too much which one it is.

But here’s what’s working for me.

I’ve tried it all, because, after all, my last few years have demanded it of me — I’ve had a pretty tough ride.

But I’ve had great results from one thing in particular, especially since I decided to simplify and double down.

Talking to your anxiety

First off, this is science. It’s not something I or any one else has just made up. It’s been researched and tested. It’s widely adopted in the psychotherapy arena. So you don’t have to just take my word for it.

The idea is a simple one. By talking to your anxiety in the third person, you are doing a number of things:

Establishing distance: a key principle here is to establish that you and your anxiety are not the same thing. You can be unraveled and separated, forever. Many of us, consciously or otherwise, struggle to really believe this. Creating empathy: most people are much better at caring for others than themselves. We don’t give ourselves the same love that we give others when we need it. Creating a character out if your anxiety is a great way to develop that empathy and trick the brain into being a little kinder. Keeping perspective: although we’re generally not very good at caring for ourselves, we’re brilliant at protecting ourselves. It’s a basic evolutionary mechanism to keep ourselves alive at all costs. So when we see a threat, the fight or flight mechanism kicks in and we lose all perspective. We just want to get the hell out of there. When we think about our anxiety as another person, we’re able to assess the situation more calmly, and ultimately, avoid causing more stress than is required.

There’s a lot of neuro-chemistry going on here as well, which, if you’re interested, is worth a closer look. But that’s not for everyone, and it’s not strictly necessary either. In fact, sometimes, understanding the mechanism too well can be counterproductive to trusting it.

What you need to do

I’ve gone through a lot of advice on ways to put this into practise. But I think it’s best to keep it simple. Here’s what I found works:

Step 1: Give it a name. This is so simple, but really helps establish that third-person effect we’re going for. A therapist of mine once suggested the use of the name Amy (as short for Amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for ’fight or flight’ and, generally stressing us out) and it kind of stuck for me.

But I think a better idea is to pick a name you have a positive attachment to. Words, even when spoken internally, can have a great impact on our mental state. Negative words wind us up, positive calm us down. Pick a name that brings you a microcosm of joy each time you hear it.

Step 2: Prepare some statements. Anyone who suffers from mental health conditions knows that, when the proverbial hits the fan, rational thought goes out the window. So be prepared. Work out what you’d want to say to your anxiety in advance. Write it down. Say it out loud. Learn it by heart.

Here’s one of mine you may find useful:

”Ok Amy, I hear you. I know you’re not having a great time right now. I’ve heard what you have to say. But I want you to know that I’ve got this. I’m going to look after you and keep you safe. I love you, and won’t let anything happen. Now, calm down so I can concentrate on doing just that.”

That’s it. Keep it simple. Keep it straight. Avoid using those negative words. Put yourself in command, firmly but gently.

Step 3: Practise, practise, practise. Most mental health issues are strengthened by repetition. They reflect patterns of thought and behaviour which are hard to break. You have to treat any attempt at recovery in a similar way.

Talk to your anxiety, a lot. Talk to it in the morning when you wake up, when you’re on the way to work, while you’re sat in boring meetings or in the car, talk to it until it is a habit and then talk to it some more.

You can change up what you say, but keep the tone constant. Keep it firm but gentle. Keep it caring but commanding. You are in control.