Perfectionism and Its Pitfalls
By: Dawn Bevier
Tags: Self Improvement, Life Lessons, Personal Growth, Productivity, Self-awareness

Perfectionism and Its Pitfalls

Help for individuals who crown productivity and success over well-being

Photo by Razvan Chisu on Unsplash

In a famous scene from the movie Notting Hill, Julia Robert’s character Anna Scott is having dinner with her love interest William Thacker [played by Hugh Grant]. They are arguing over who should get the last brownie. Robert’s character has to prove that she is the one who deserves the brownie, to which she replies:

“I’ve been on a diet every day since I was nineteen, which basically means I’ve been hungry for a decade…. And it’s taken two rather painful operations to get me looking like this… And, one day, not long from now, my looks will go, they’ll discover I can’t act and I’ll become some sad, middle-aged woman who looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while.”

Sorry, Julia. I deserve the brownie.

Because I am tired. So. Very. Tired.

Here’s why:

I am a perfectionist.

You know those NFL coaches who use every cruel tactic imaginable to get their star players to improve: grueling workouts, threats of replacement, and hints at loss of contract? I am the coach and the player.

What about that supermodel who lives on coffee and cigarettes, exercises two hours a day, and then looks at her size two frame with utter disgust. I am her less fabulous sister, size seven and relatively fit but still raging a war with my body after all these years. A war I am always losing, even if the scale says otherwise.

I am a perfectionist. And I deserve the brownie. Even if I won’t eat it.

And so do all the other suffering perfectionists like me. They all deserve the brownie.

Why? Because life as a perfectionist is torture.

Photo by Callum Skelton on Unsplash

In Melissa Dahl’s article in The Cut entitled “The Alarming New Research on Perfectionism,” she cites a paper found in a journal published by the American Psychological Association, Review of General Psychology. It states that “real perfectionism can be devastatingly destructive, leading to crippling anxiety or depression, and it may even be an overlooked risk factor for suicide.”

Amanda Ruggeri in her BBC article entitled “The dangerous downsides of perfectionism” reaffirms this conjecture, stating that “the rise in perfectionism doesn’t mean that each generation is becoming more accomplished. It means we’re getting sicker, sadder, and even undermining our own potential.”

It’s such a paradoxical situation. The whole world seems to want what perfectionists have: the extraordinary work ethic, the discipline, the credentials they undoubtedly have earned. After all, look at the success that self-proclaimed perfectionists such as Steve Jobs, Martha Stewart, and Serena Williams have attained in their lifetimes.

But, if you are one of these suffering perfectionists like me, all you want is to sit and watch a movie without worrying about how the world will fall apart if you eat the buttery calorie-ridden popcorn, or about how the movie is taking two hours away from the article you should be writing, or about how you missed that morning workout and will only be exercising four times this week instead of five.

And it doesn’t help that I and many other perfectionists have also been diagnosed as having OCD, anxiety disorders and the like. As a matter of fact, there is a strong correlation between these conditions. We can take any self-improvement habit and turn it into a monstrous addiction that is more destructive than beneficial in an attempt to achieve an elusive perfection and keep anxiety and panic at bay.

How can good habits be bad? Because for me and my fellow perfectionists, our entire lives are checklists that never end. And each block that is not checked off daily is a torture-device: We are drawn and quartered because we have committed high treason against ourselves. Against our own standards and principles.

Like I said, we deserve the brownie.

Because we sit there every day in envy, envy that places us in the deepest, darkest corners of Dante’s hell.

We watch our co-workers leave the office at closing, saying that they don’t pay them enough to work off the clock, that they’ll get to said project tomorrow, that they half-assed the presentation, but it will be okay. We hunger for their philosophy, to be able to drop the fifty-pound weights that are tied to our legs and our arms and our brain.

But we can’t let go.

Photo by Carl Heyerdahl on Unsplash

So we trudge home and plant ourselves front of the computer, muttering inner profanity while the rest of our family laughs away at their latest Netflix binge and crunches happily on the Taco Bell they picked up for dinner.

Perfectionism is indeed a tyrannical master, so I decided to find out how perfectionists like me [and you] can take actionable steps to dethrone this savage ruler.

Here’s what I found:

Cognitive Restructuring

In Arlin Cuncic’s article “Understanding Cognitive Restructuring” on Verywellmind.com, he defines this technique as one “that involves identifying and disputing irrational thoughts and negative automatic thoughts” and he emphasizes the several methods through which it is practiced such as “thought-recording, disputation, and guided questioning.”

Consider the possible benefits of alternative ways of thinking or doing.

Use the part of you that seeks constant growth to your advantage. In the Psychology Today article entitled “The Vicious Triangle of Perfectionism, Anxiety, and Depression” by Victoria Maxwell, she calls this technique the “Good What If’s” technique. It seems to correlate with the guided questioning model of cognitive restructuring described above. In this technique, the perfectionist considers the benefits of relaxing some of his or her standards and entertains the idea that doing so may bring more success than his or her current lifestyle.

For example, avid perfectionists may choose to exercise every day, but they should perhaps consider that including one or two rest days from exercise will make their remaining workouts more productive. After all, there is a bounty of evidence that suggests that rest is mandatory for the body to improve. Perfectionists need to research these philosophies in order to open their mind to other possibilities and ways of being and thinking.

What about the perfectionistic writer who pushes himself or herself to write and publish an article a day? Perhaps he or she should look into how less “pressure- cooker” writing may improve the quality of his or her thinking and writing, allowing mental and creative juices to simmer and gain potency as opposed to draining imagination and reasoning faculties by forcing output every day.

Doing a little research may help convince perfectionists that by continuing their uncompromising routines, they may be causing themselves more harm than good.

Face fears head-on.

Often perfectionism is fueled by a need for control, a control which, at least in the perfectionist’s mind, will keep him or her from consuming fears of failure.

One technique is to release some of that control by doing the “unthinkable”: lowering one’s standards and self-expectations and modifying behavior. Doing this may be the only way that the perfectionist can see that changes will not automatically have negative impacts.

The psychotherapy group of experts in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Los Angeles describe this technique as “calculated imperfection” in their article “Stop Perfectionism: 5 Techniques to be Happy with Good Enough.” They encourage the perfectionist to experiment with behavior that they “recognize is overly cautious, or something in which [they] have a tendency towards overkill.” In many circles this is also known as “exposure therapy,” which psychologist Steven J. Seay, Ph.D. at the Center for Psychological and Behavioral Sciences in Palm Beach, Florida, describes as “purposely doing activities that are designed to elicit [one’s] anxiety response prevention” and “actively resisting the urge to complete a ritual [of perfectionistic behaviors].”

For example, a perfectionist may take his work home every day in an attempt to achieve success in his profession or to alleviate the fear of mediocrity or failure. He or she may subconsciously believe that doing so will ensure his or her rise or survival in a given field.

To help the perfectionist see the irrational thinking that leaving work “at work” will mean the destruction of his or her hard-won success, he or she should try not working at home for one week or for even one day [if a week seems too radical a change].

Most likely, when changes such as these are made, the perfectionist sees that the world will not fall apart because of these slight adjustments in routine. Thus, he or she is more likely to embrace this ideology in other areas where a desire for mastery makes him or her unbending, exhausted, and anxious.

Slow and steady wins the race as far as this technique goes. Sudden and dramatic changes may be too overwhelming, but small steps towards releasing control will make a perfectionist less apprehensive and more likely to continue in the quest to achieve life balance.

Practice self-compassion.

In research studies mentioned in Psych Central’s article entitled “How Self Compassion Can Fight Perfectionism” by Nick Hobson, Ph.D., researchers concluded that “self-compassion was found to weaken the relationship between perfectionism and depression.”

Perfectionists should practice acts of self-kindness that involve self-acceptance and understanding. This means accepting that one is human and that all humans are fallible and weak at times. It also means quieting the critical inner voice that is at the heart of the perfectionist’s “self-talk.” Perfectionists are encouraged to treat themselves with the same empathy that they would treat friends or family members who come to them with feelings of inadequacy or failure.

For example, most likely, one would remind these people that mistakes are a part of life and that they are wonderful just as they are. Perfectionists need to remind themselves that this truth also relates to themselves and their own lives.

The Bottom Line:

In Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s famous poem “A Psalm of Life,” he tells the reader “let is then, be up and doing, with a heart for any fate; still achieving, still pursuing, learn to labor and to wait.” Perfectionism seems to agree with this ideology, but the truth is humans need a balance between self-improvement and idleness. Otherwise, the very principles of greatness and success serve to destroy one rather than elevate, to stifle one rather than free. Perfectionists should seek to better recognize the difference before it is too late to simply live and be happy.

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