Moon Work-Waning Moon Day 5
By: Leigh Larue
Tags: Spirituality, Courage, Change, Daily Blog, Personal Development

I just learned about the ‘Avoidant behavior Disorder’ from a video by The Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. I’ve been watching her videos for a short time now, but this one really opened my eyes. I didn’t know that these behaviors that I exhibit had a name. Even though I don’t buy into the whole ‘disorder’ thing, I found it comforting.

People with avoidant personality disorder have chronic feelings of inadequacy and are highly sensitive to being negatively judged by others. Though they would like to interact with others, they tend to avoid social interaction due to the intense fear of being rejected.

The following description is from www.psycom.net: ‘A socially challenged person with a hypersensitivity to rejection and constant feelings of inadequacy may have a mental illness known as avoidant personality disorder (AVPD). People with avoidant personality disorder experience social awkwardness. They spend a lot of time focusing on their shortcomings and are very hesitant to form relationships where rejection could occur. This often results in feelings of loneliness and becoming disengaged from relationships at work and elsewhere. People with AVPD might also refuse a promotion, make excuses to miss meetings, or be too fearful to engage in events where they might make friends.’ And www.webmd.com lists ways in which this behavior socially impacts those with this disorder:

Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.

Is unwilling to get involved with people unless they are certain of being liked.

Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed.

Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations.

Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy.

Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others.

Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing.

Looking back to see an obvious first example of this behavior is when I was a young teenager, I think. My mom threw me a surprise birthday party with my cousins and a couple of my aunts, and I ended up blushing and running into another room. I felt so uncomfortable and unworthy of such a display of love and support. I wouldn’t come out of the other room, and my mom had to send everyone home. That was weird, since I easily hung out with my cousins and family in other situations just fine. It was having all the attention on me that was so uncomfortable.

I seemed cool and confident up until sixth grade, when I had a complete personality overhaul. I don’t know if it was just hormones, because my best friend in fifth grade dumped me for the popular crowd for no reason and with no warning, or if I just didn’t feel ready to ‘grow up’ and adopt this seemingly fake personality that was apparently required to be a teenager. Let’s just say ‘all of the above’.

So, I shrank into the background, because I had no idea how to interact with life. I was terribly shy and had little to no real social skills. I still participated in track, drill team, and other activities, and I remember one girl telling me I should try out for cheerleader because everyone (no matter what group they were in) seemed to like me and to not get a big head about it. But, this came as a surprise to me. I didn’t really see that myself, and of course I did not try out for cheerleader, all though a few of them did try to befriend me multiple times. I was too shy and insecure to accept. Another example of this is in ninth grade when a guy I liked found out I liked him, and he asked me ‘to go with him’ (as in girlfriend), but I couldn’t even communicate with him or look him in the eyes. He ended up breaking up with a week later. I remember around that same time my cousin and her best friend would ask me to go hang out with them, but oddly I declined because I would rather clean and wash dishes. I had always enjoyed cleaning and decorating.

I made drill team co-captain in ninth grade, and I was the only one who had not prepared for it by creating and practicing a routine. I didn’t even know if I was for sure going to try out. I was on the fence up until right beforehand. I showed up to the tryouts just in case, and that’s when I decided to add my name to the list. I made up my entire routine on the spot, and I was chosen to co-captain with the already existing captain. Impressive and surprising, right? I couldn’t wait to get home and tell my mom about it, and when I did, she looked right through me and acted like it was absolutely nothing.

So, I was then expected to create routines and teach the team the steps. I was completely baffled that I was supposed to just know how to do this. I may have been able to dance, but I had no idea how to teach someone else…anything. I was so uncomfortable being in that leadership position and being clueless how to operate within it. Neither the coach nor the school thought of actually teaching us leadership and teaching skills. I was just thrown in to the deep end and expected to swim. I didn’t know how to communicate my inability to anyone, and I just felt like an idiot. So, instead of working through it I asked my mom if we could move schools. To my surprise, she agreed. Half way through tenth grade, we made the switch. I transferred into the drill team there, and everyone was so excited that I was a captain, and they expected me to act as such. I think I stayed in drill team through the end of eleventh grade but didn’t renew for twelfth.

I enjoyed being in the larger school where I could blend in, which is what I wanted more than anything in life. I didn’t want to stand out, just wanted to blend in with the crowd, and not have everyone know my business. If I could have gone to an even larger school, trust me, I would have. I was shy and never made any real friends there, so I still wasn’t happy. But, at least, I was anonymous.

Recounting all of this brings me sadness. Some patterns that I’m recognizing that I’ve carried through the present are many, including:

Not being able to fully see, appreciate, or utilize my innate skills and gifts

Being self-conscious and not wanting to stand out

Not knowing how to communicate my weaknesses and knowing I can ask for help

Running from my problems and insecurities instead of finding a way to face them head on

Expecting everything to come easy

Not liking being told ‘no’

I’m on the preface of beginning tarot reading on YouTube, and I have been horrified at this prospect for quite some time and have been putting it off for as long as possible and suffering greatly in the process. When the universe is calling us up and we don’t step up be prepared for varying levels of discomfort. I love reading tarot, I am aware that I am spiritually gifted in certain ways, but I keep wanting to wait until I’m better, more ready, more developed, and so on. And, though I find it so enjoyable to read for someone face to face, being on camera and in front of God knows how many anonymous people is uncomfortable for me. And, memories of being digitally stalked by a psycho heckler many years ago as a massage therapist certainly does not add to my confidence and readiness to put myself out there.

We all have insecurities that grow into monsters if we don’t face them and heal them. I’ve run long enough and have denied myself taking chances and winning a good portion of my life, and I’m ready for something new. There comes a time when our old patterns of fear just won’t do. I pray for courage and confidence as I step out towards bigger and better things. Who knows, this could become a new pattern. In each lifetime, our gifts are to be utilized and our weaknesses transformed through inner alchemy.

As I write this, the song ‘Solemn March’ by Lisa Gerard is playing on Pandora. It’s such an epic piece of music that makes me imagine someone gathering up the courage to go out onto the battle field or to begin a long journey that they know must be taken. It stirs in my heart and brings tears to my eyes. And, so this new journey begins, but first the old must be released. So, on this fourth day of the waning moon my intention is to heal and let go of my feelings of inadequacy, rejection, and disconnection from myself and the outside world. This is a mouthful, and I don’t expect to change overnight, but I can at least be conscious of my behaviors and take daily steps to defeat them. I’m being called to revisit each of these forks in the road of my past and lovingly embrace the scared child and guide her to the higher and braver path in each instance. Reimagining what could have been and what could have been gained and where those victories could have led. Thank you, Universe, for pushing me ever so gently towards the cup.