Why I’m Not Like Other Girls
By: Zulie Rane
Tags: Women, Satire, Equality, Humor, Feminism

Hey there, handsome fella at the bar next to me. Yes, this is a beer I’m drinking. I love beer, not because I think it makes me cool, but because of the taste. Let me just take off this leather jacket and get more comfortable in these jeans I’m wearing…

What’s that? Would I like to hear you lecture me for three hours about the microbrewery culture in San Fransisco? I sure would, because even though I love beer, I don’t know anything about it and love to be educated.

Does that surprise you? Oh, I know why. You’re used to other girls. Girls who drink fruity, floral pink drinks through a cocktail straw. Girls who will talk at you for three hours about something you don’t care about. But guess what?

I’m not like other girls. I’m a cool girl. Want proof?

I don’t wear makeup. I’m just naturally pretty, but I didn’t *try* to look like this. I don’t actually care about how I look. These eyelashes? Totally natural. My armpits are hairless, by birth.

I never set foot in a Starbucks establishment or an Uggs boot; too basic for me. I think Valentine’s Day is boring, along with any real “romantic” holidays.

I’m not a feminist. I’ll actually laugh along at misogynist comments, because I can take a joke, and I’m incredibly laid back.

Yeah, I’m down for casual sex. Relationship? No thanks. I don’t catch feels.

I love Led Zeppelin. Taylor Swift who? I was born in the wrong generation for music, it’s so pop nowadays with no real meaning or substance. ACDC all the way.

I don’t like to watch typical “girl” shows: I like sports, like a cool girl. I also play video games. Catch me on Call of Duty — but you can still be better than me.

I like to eat whole entire pizzas at a time while we play video games. But I’m really thin. I guess I just have a fast metabolism — I don’t care about my figure, so I don’t exercise, unlike most girls.

In fact, I exclusively drink beer and eat greasy junk food — I’ve never had a bottle of water in my life — but my skin is clear and my breath smells like your favorite IPA.

I’m never insecure because I’m always confident that I look hot and f*ckable. But I also don’t care about how I look, see point above. I don’t take selfies, either, but I always know how to look good in candids.

Favorite color? I don’t think about that kind of thing, but definitely not pink. Probably blue or green. I’m cool. Sometimes I’ll put on a dress, but only so you can say, “Wow, you’re a girl!” in tones of total surprise.

Other girls like to talk about feelings with you. Me? I’m happy if you talk to me whenever you feel like it. I’m a commitment-phobe, so I’m not dying to get into a relationship, but I also am only attracted to you, so it’s not a big deal.

Boys’ nights? I get it. I don’t ever have girls’ nights, because I’m not like other girls, but I’ll be happy to provide beer, snacks, and let you use my Sky Sports login for your boys.

Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash

Actually, I don’t really like other girls — they don’t get me, they’re not like me, and they act so melodramatic. They’re always worrying about their appearance and their weight. Talking about makeup. Me, I just look amazing but without stressing about it.

I know other girls get embarrassed talking about raunchy topics, but I love having a laugh about farts and sex positions. When I get hit on by my superiors, I know it’s harmless banter, so I don’t take it seriously. Report it? No way — I wouldn’t want to harm an influential man’s career over a simple joke.

In fact, I’m happy to join in to objectify and discuss the attractiveness of other girls. That girl that just walked by? Solid 7 out of 10. I’d tap that. That other one? Only a three, poor thing. She’s desperate.

Hobbies? Other than sports, beer, video games, and not being annoyed when you don’t text back, I can burp the alphabet. Watch me knock back a Bud and give it a go. I’m also a novice mechanic.

Yeah, I can pay for this all myself. My job is pretty nondescript — I never bring home work drama, and never earn more than you, so you can relax around me.

Totally, it’s fine that girls get called girls while guys are called guys. I’m not going to kick up a fuss about girls being infantilizing and condescending. It’s just a figure of speech, for Chrissake.

I don’t need labels, I don’t need hand-holding, I’m never offended and I stay up late for your ‘u up’ texts. I offer my sympathy without expecting any empathy from you, and if you forget to text back, well, I let it go.

I’m the exception. I’m cool. I’m not like other girls.