In touch with hatred
By: Hue Hanh
Tags: Meditation, Acceptance, Love

I used to believe that: to become a loving person, I need to love more. But there is also an underlying belief that hatred and guilt are unwanted and should be rejected. However, life experiences have proved me otherwise. My dearest relationship grows most genuinely not when we say “love” but when we express hatred and guilt. Not towards each other, but in the safe company of each other.

Every emotion is valid. As long as we don’t indulge or attach to it. Even love, if there’s attachment, it turns into pain.

Hatred and guilt have become a taboo topic to talk about. If I tell you how much hatred I am experiencing, I fear that you won’t like me anymore. I live in guilt that I’m a wicked person.

Do you know that emotions are not personal? They are not you and not yours.

What is “me”? There’s no solidity called “me”. Only thoughts, emotions, feelings and bodily sensations and physical process that belong to nobody, run on their own. It’s anatta (non-soul, non-self). If it’s you and yours, you must from the beginning have the command to tell it to go away, to tell yourself to be loving all the time. Is it true? If a person is the owner of the emotions, nobody wants to be angry or resentful or hatred. He/she surely wants to be a loving person.

The wrong view that you’re your emotions have prevented us from being open-hearted to these emotions and allowing them to express in constructive ways. They would definitely find other routes to channel, either through self-pity or condemning other people. Or it expresses through bodily ill-nesses like dis-eases, tensions and cancers.

I feel very loved when my partner can confidently express how hatred he is feeling towards me. And how that hatred feelings are commanding him to do something to release the sufferings. When we talk openly and hold space, we give those feelings and thoughts a loving space to dissolve. Sometimes if the thoughts are too disturbing that I can not handle it myself, I did gently ask my trusted friend: “I know it’s just a thought. It’s just an emotion. And it’s not reality about you. Could you help me listen to it so I can articulate/express it out in a safe way?” I’m willing to listen. And I have been helped many times in my life being listened to. One day, after expressing severe rage consciously, my dear friend came back and said: “Oh, I have just figured out that my mind seeks comfort in anger. Every-time I blame you, that anger is being fed.” The topic doesn’t have to be “love” to be love. And every time we can successfully express how angry we feel, we become more sober and gentle towards ourselves than ever before. My dad is also a man suffering from buried anger and hatred. He often has to read and watch news of violence. But he has rarely been seen venting it out on my mom, because (I guess) my mom has never rejected anger in him. She always showers him with mercy and understanding. He feels safe in her company. Dad is loved by young children and he also loves them very genuinely. Inside a person there are always two parts contradicting each other. Don’t cast away one if we see one unattractive side in him.

I come to realize we can not try to cultivate love if there’s still hatred and guilt underneath. When I think that: “Oh I should love that person. I should not hate him/her.” I know that love is not genuine (because it comes from a “should”, not how I am at the moment). It’s something the mind is trying to do to counteract with the real emotions. Because ego doesn’t accept reality. Ironically, the more we turn away from demon, the more it rushes behind our back.

Real love moves. You’ll sense it and others would sense it right away. We have a great store of inner hatred and guilt building up over past lifes. That’s what we need to continue working on in this life to purify.

Being in touch with hatred and guilt is the first act of love, towards ourselves.

One of the most popular myths that we keep is that we can turn hatred into love. No! Hatred is hatred and love is love. They are separate mental states and each has its own life cycle. If we don’t allow hatred to live its full cycle and pass away, love can not arise. If hatred is bottled up, there’s no way out for love!

Only when I am in touch in full measure with resentment physically, sensationally, consciously, can I forgive and rebuild the connection. Only when I am open to hatred within that I can be open to hatred without.

Maybe it’s a risking experiment but I would like to ask you to try it. When you are stable and equanimous, invite your loved one to express their resentments, any and every (to which extent you can accept). Give them no objection, no self-defending, no evaluation so they can feel so safe to talk with you.

Love just waits for that moment!

I don’t try to be a loving person, I accept hatred lovingly.