Grieving What Could Have Been
By: Andrea Huls
Tags: Loss, Self, Writing, Pandemic, Mental Health

Grieving What Could Have Been

Photo by ZACHARY STAINES on Unsplash

My closest friend from college was supposed to fly from Washington, D.C., to Barcelona last May to meet my newborn son. After spending time with us, she planned to head to Italy for her cousin’s wedding. Both trips were canceled.

Another good friend of mine, who lives in Frankfurt, was going to celebrate his wedding in June. After taking some time to think it over, he and his bride-to-be felt wiser to postpone.

I had hoped my brother, who lives in Bolivia, would come to visit this past summer to meet his nephew, who he has only seen through a smartphone screen. I don’t know when we’ll see him or if he will be able to come to Spain.

My mother, who also lives in Bolivia, can’t fly to Spain to spend time with us. She’s seeing her grandson grow up through videos and photos.

Other friends, family, and colleagues have had to cancel trips, celebrations, and more. Some wanted to start a family and have had to press pause on their plans. Some are far away from their loved ones and have no idea when they’ll reunite.

Not being able to travel to visit a friend might sound like a luxury in comparison to what some people are facing. However, we all have a right to grieve what could have been.

You have a right to mourn your canceled plans. You have a right to be upset.

Allow yourself to grieve.

I know we should be grateful for what we have and look at things with perspective. I’m thankful I’m healthy and still have a job. But it’s okay to give yourself room to feel whatever it is you need to feel.

I’m sad my friend couldn’t come to visit; I feel for my friend who had to postpone his wedding indefinitely, miss my mom, and wish my son could meet his uncle.

Your emotions are valid. We can’t always look at the bright side. Being a positive person doesn’t mean that you should suppress emotions.

If we don’t make room to feel what we’re really feeling, we’re doing ourselves more harm than good.

When our plans are canceled, we lose something. Loss is not easy. Loss has stages. Any loss must be acknowledged and dealt with.

It’s okay to feel sadness, frustration, anger, or disappointment.

If we don’t take the time to process what has been lost, we might drag those feelings for a long time.

I was genuinely looking forward to spending quality time with my friend. We’ve shared many significant milestones, and I wanted to share so much with her during her visit.

I was excited about my friend’s wedding too. We were going to reunite with old friends and celebrate their special day. We were going to make new memories.

When all of our plans got canceled this year, it’s as if we were robbed of something precious.

Your loss is personal.

Whether a trip was canceled or you will not be going home for Christmas, no one has the right to make you feel bad about grieving your loss.

The grieving process is different for each one of us. But please do know that you should take as much time as you need to grief.

Like the death of a loved one, some losses are pretty challenging to process and go through. It doesn’t mean that other losses are not important.

Whatever it is that you’ve lost over the past year, acknowledge your grief. Accept that unexpected emotions will overcome you. Please don’t ignore them.

What you can do to deal with the loss

We don’t all process grief the same way. However, there are a few things that you may find useful.

Write. Something that helps me with grief is writing about how I feel. It’s not about writing perfect sentences. I jot down everything that I’m experiencing. Talk to someone you trust and who will actively listen to how you feel. Talk to someone who will understand and empathize with your loss. Practice self-care and be kind to yourself. Be sure to look after your physical and mental health. Ask for help if you notice yourself stuck or if you recognize symptoms of depression.

I try to focus on the good in my life. I try to practice gratitude. And I give myself time to heal.

It’s okay to grieve what could have been.

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