2020, A Rollercoaster of Emotions and Challenges.
By: Oladiran Titilope
Tags: Pain, Challenges, Strengths And Weaknesses, Loneliness, 2020 Challenges

Do you know what it is like to be in a place where it seems like prayers or worship are no longer enough? Let me explain better. When we are in our lowest/weakest moment and feel hopeless about the now and the future, we find hope and courage to move on in the place of worship or prayer. However, getting to a place where it seems like none of them was assuring anymore, what do you do? Well, it is indeed a difficult place to be. 2020 was more or less of that.

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I want to share a bit of that here, be nice. I know that some even went through things more difficult than I did and I am not trying to make mine seem worse, but as a writer, I find solace in penning down my thoughts even the raving ones. I have been thinking about this for weeks, but here I am, sitting at midnight to finally write and post this. I am sure it will help and bless one or two persons.

My 2020 started with the usual ‘happy new year’ greetings. I had just finished my NYSC in 2019, and everything seems to be going just fine except for my unemployment ‘wahala’ (means problem). I wouldn’t say I was utterly unemployed as I was working as a freelance writer. However, I still desired to operate the usual 9 to 5 job. I went for a series of interviews where I had many annoying encounters…story for another day.

The big thing ‘COVID 19’ came. It was a bother, although, in the beginning, I did not really get bothered thinking it was gonna be one of those things we will go through fast enough. I even had more time to do my remote job, no going to mum’s shop…yaaay. However, the story changed when weeks of being on locked-down turned to months. Okay oh.

Then, fast forward to the middle of the year, I was faced with a situation and had to decide which wasn’t as easy as it should have been. I can remember weeks of going back and forth, days of feeling helpless, hours of feeling scared and minutes of saying ‘yes’ then changing to ‘no’. The yes eventually won, and then the story changes and everything that looked so good were not looking that way anymore. You know those weeks, days, and hours I described up there, now let’s multiply it, and I faced much more of it.

What happened, and what did I learn?

Oh God, I cried about even the simplest things, well frustration can make you do that. However, it made me understand that letting your frustrations out in tears is therapeutic and keeps you going when it gets tough. It is like a renewal of strength. Crying does not make us weak but strong. This is for those that can still do it because I know some of us believe we are too good or too big for that, well, we all have our different coping mechanism.

You wanna know why I cried? Let’s not get too personal, yeah?

I had never worked as hard as I did this year, not even when I worked part-time during undergrads. This year’s hard work was on another level even though it doesn’t feel like it most times. But when I carefully think about it, I even get amazed and wonder how I did what I did. It was damn tough! And challenging!

At some point, I was angry at myself for different reasons. You know, being mad at yourself is way more challenging than being mad at someone else because the whole process of forgiving and healing is quite different.

I faced challenges and tried so hard to find the will to do more, but it was like, the choice disappeared. Then, the questions came. ‘Am I doing too much? Should I give up on some things?” However, looking at people doing so much more than me, I knew I am still not doing enough.

This year made me stronger. It made me realize that I can, indeed do much more than what I thought was my limit.

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I experienced loneliness on another level, and second-guessing myself became like a norm. Having to do many things and feeling overwhelmed are kinda like a summary of it. Oh, I forgot to say this…I ended a relationship earlier in the year, one that seemed so promising until everything went south.

Losing friends to death this year was tough. Ayomiposi Odolo, Elijah Olaoye, and David Adetunji, you all still live on in my heart. I indeed miss you all, and I can’t help but get shocked every time I remember you.

I offended and got offended this year…if I offended you, I hope you forgive me. If you offended me, don’t even worry about me not forgiving you because I almost do that immediately. I don’t have the energy to keep hate in me. Who I have in me and carry wouldn’t allow it.

The good of my 2020: As of 2019, I never envisioned myself to be where I am today, but I am there. And when I look back, there is evidence that God is indeed working on me while His promises keep coming into fruition for me. More than ever before, I am learning to trust Him the more.

I am fond of using this quote “I am not where I want to be but I am not where I used to be” this in itself is an evidence of growth and development, and I am glad. This is also for you, it might look like things are not working according to your plans or might be too slow for you, and then you feel hopeless, at that moment. I will say, do not look at where you wanna be but rather look back at where you started from, and you will see that you have indeed moved. That alone is something you should be glad about and deserves to be patted for.

Even as I write this, I must confess it is still almost the same, but I am gonna keep moving knowing it will only get better. It would be best if you do the same. We are not giving up yet. To not forget what I said earlier, I went back to that place of prayer, and that is where I got my strength from.

Now, the big question, why am I penning this here?

To serve as a reminder of how my journey started. To remember how difficult it was at the beginning, with the hope and faith that this is just the beginning to something greater. I know if asked about 2020, we all will have more than enough to say about the challenges and good moments we had. And I will be glad to hear about them in the comment section.

Finally, I want to make a toast. Raise your glasses. I say for you and I, cheers to a more remarkable year. And I pray for more love, more joy, more victories for us in the coming year.

Happy New Year in advance, my dear reader. I celebrate you. And do not forget, I will appreciate you commenting about how your 2020 was and is still going.