See the light through her eyes
Tags: Tea, Shangri La Dialogue, Maori, Caregiving, Aging

Toronto Summer. At Tango. Mysterious décor, feelings. Marilyn Monroe doll. Gay couples. Loners. Aroma of freshly ground coffee. With a bit of wait, got my favorite corner seat. It was a bit of a fight to get that seat. The whole wall is a window. You see the cars going by. All kinds of people, all kinds of people walking past. Dogs on leash. There’s always this man seated outside. Talks happily to dog owners. Looks like a friend of the owner.

The conversations around me are so entertaining. The body, the art of the way their body moves, the politeness. Two hours of my day spent there makes me feel relaxed.

I come back home and see her seated near the window. There is a cup of tea on her table. Looks like she had made it not long ago. There is an obvious look of relief on her face. Now she feels safe. Her daughter is here. She knows that nothing will scare her when I am around. I will shield her from all those things that make her feel insecure. Even when a feeling of regret or guily would suddenly cross her thoughts, she could talk to me. I will find ways to take comfort in the positive thing of that circumstance or event in that thought.

Another kind of pain I never knew existed. No one told me about what it would be like to be with her at this time of her life. Some days are filled with tears and other days with a feeling of joy that is hard to describe. Some little thing that she would say or do and then you think how that changes your present mood and gives me the feeling of a first experience.

I remember the days I was contemplating on making some serious decisions about career and life itself. I felt that I should be the one who should be by my mother’s side when she needs the love and support. The thoughts were like a shroud that covered me whenever I was venturing out alone, experimenting with life, making all the wrong decisions. I was not their exemplary child. My siblings are very special. each one has some extraordinary character, skill and achievement. Did I want to prove that I was the better one? No, not really. There is no competition among us siblings. But it is all about surprising each other with the things we do in our every day life, and even with some big life decisions about the career, where we want to live, or what we want to achieve.

I made the decision to move in with my parents and to assist them with whatever they were doing. They had their own unfinished matters, bits and pieces of broken dreams, bonds that were broken and needed mending and various other things. I told myself that I am just going to be there for them. I will not take their liberty or the free will to make their own decisions.

So I make a cup of Maori Dance for myself. The sweetness of the vanilla along with the honey was what I needed at that time. I was going to make up a nice scenery from all the expressions I gathered at Tango. I start my story telling while looking at her eyes. I can see that she has been waiting for that time when she could momentarily take her mind away from those uninvited thoughts from the past.

I gaze at her eyes. The colors swirl in her eyes, the beautiful humans I saw in the café, the dogs and everything starts moving.