White House Knew Summit Was “Iffy”
By: Phillip T Stephens
Tags: North Korea, Satire, Humor, Politics, Donald Trump

White House Knew Summit Was “Iffy”

To prove it they minted a gold commemorative coin

May 24, 2018

The President announced today that the June 12 summit with North Korea is off. He assured the nation this was “terrible news for North Korea and the world, although it’s great news for America.” He also assured America that the White House knew a summit was always in doubt and fully expected the cancellation although “it’s not definitely off, it’s just kind of off. It will probably never happen, but he’s [Kim] a great guy who treated our citizens in the slave labor camps well.”

To prove their certainty that the summit would never happen the White House issued a commemorative coin with the words, “June 12, 2018. You can count on it.”

The 14k gold commemorative coin portrays the President in profile on one side and the same image on the other, meaning the coin has no head or tail. North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is absent from the coin. However, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters they were mistaken to conclude Kim was ignored in the minting. “That’s clearly wrong. If you read the coin you see the words ’Supreme Leader’ which is clearly a reference to Kim.’

In fact, the coin reads, “Supreme Leader Donald Trump.”

Sanders also defended the phrase “Future Nobel Winner” that follows the President’s name. “Obama got a peace prize in his first term for peace that never happened. The President deserves no less for a meeting that will definitely happen, although we’ve always known it was never certain and as of now it’s off.”

“Obama got a peace prize in his first term for peace that never happened. The President deserves no less for a meeting that will definitely happen, although we’ve always known it was never certain and as of now it’s off.”

The commemorative coin. (Michael Vadon)

The President’s original request included a separate design for the flip side, which was an engraving of a new Trump Hotel in downtown Pyongyang with an American flag flying in the background. A source within the Treasury Department confided that they conveniently lost the engraving plate because Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin decided, “Even I know this is too far over the line.”

The White House defended the use of taxpayer funds to mint the coins by claiming the Department of Defense ordered them. They also claim the coin was minted, not with commercial gold but with cheaper TrumpGold, mined in The Trump Organization’s New Jersey gold mine and sold to the government at the low rate of $2000 per ounce.[1] No official estimate of the cost per coin has been released

Sanders added, “Any taxpayer money used in the production of the coins will be returned to the taxpayers when they purchase these wonderful keepsakes for only $25,000 apiece or the discount rate of $350,000 for ten.”

The coin was minted, not with commercial gold but with cheaper TrumpGold, mined in The Trump Organization’s New Jersey gold mine and sold to the government at the low rate of $2000 per ounce.

The President claims the commemorative coin will be “cherished by trillions around the world, both patriots and collectors, as a symbol of peace. Symbol of peace. That’s not my words by the way, it’s your words. This summit which will definitely happen, but only maybe, and we’re not sure when, and we may have to make some concessions like building several Trump hotels, which I’m against but I’ll do for the good of America, that’s you people, even reporters, even reporters who undermine America in every way every day with fake news like you’re doing right now, I’ll do it and I won’t profit in any way, it’s impossible because I’m President and I can’t take a profit unless it’s through the part of my business that has nothing to do with the government, which this deal won’t be, I promise you. I think I’ve made my point, whatever point I was making.”

POTUS requests commemorative bitcoin

A confidential source within the mint confided that the President also wanted to issue a commemorative bitcoin. He reportedly told Mnuchin, “Imagine how gorgeous the collector bitcoin will look next to the metal coin in the commemorative display case.”[2]

“Imagine how gorgeous the collector bitcoin will look next to the metal coin in the commemorative display case.”

Staff mockup up commemorative bitcoin.

Mnuchin and staff explained that producing a “commemorative bitcoin for display” would be impossible because it’s a digital protocol. POTUS immediately authorized the purchase of one hundred 3D printers because “that’s what you use to print digital stuff.”

“He wasn’t satisfied until we mocked up a design,” our source, who chose to remain anonymous, confided. “It took a week to agree on the design and five minutes to produce it in Photoshop. The President ’s first reaction was, ‘I wanted something prettier, grander.’ He was only satisfied after Mnuchin told him the code displayed his name more than four hundred times, visible only to collectors who bought the special thousand dollar 3D glasses.”

Bypassing the Franklin Mint

Franklin Mint first suggested the idea of a commemorative coin to the President, but he discovered they expected him to put up money for the added features he wanted. He decided to have the government print it instead. When Mint lawyers claimed the move would violate the terms of their non-disclosure agreement, POTUS allegedly replied, “I’m the fucking President of the United States. I’m not bound to anything I sign.”

“Silly us,” a Mint executive confided to Emphasis. “In our eagerness to print before the summit, we forgot who we were dealing with. He didn’t honor agreements when he wasn’t President, why would he do so now?”