The Experiment
Tags: Birthday, Flow, Energy, Experiment, Gifts

Photo by Kindel Media from Pexels

For my birthday I’d love it if you to take part in an experiment.

The experiment is a game and there is no way to do it wrong. For example, you could stop right here and that’s just as fine as continue reading.

I do want you to continue reading.

I also want you to feel me.

As I write this my left hand and arm get activated, tense as if they were pincushions where the needles are being moved by a magnet.

This is about energy and transmission.

Over the past years, I’ve become more and more mindful of my energy, clearer about where it goes and how my spending of it impacts me.

The sensation has fully taken my left hand and arm, I now feel pain on my left collar bone and pressure in my throat that makes saliva hard to swallow. My palms are sweaty.

The next right step in intentionality and taking responsibility for my energy is inviting you all to take part in this experiment.

I am a bundle of energy akin to a walking-and-talking nuclear reactor. A star. I know that and people who have spent time around me know that.

I’ve studied that energy. I learnt and continue learning how to purify the channels of transmission and to remove what blocks its way out of me.

If you’re a sceptic, this is the perfect experiment for you, because what I am asking you to do is to test the impact of this energy.

Every time that someone interacts with me they get a dose of that energy, be that with a like, reading what I write, helping me with something, listening to what I have to say, gifting me money or purchasing one of my services.

I’ve observed people intuitively holding that energy and using it successfully. I’ve witnessed some people being more aware and mindful about the energy they get from me and moving it forward. I’ve also witnessed people being overwhelmed by that energy or not touched at all by it.

I want to know what happens on the other side of the equation. I also want to get more connected to people in general and to create more clarity about what a flow of energy is doing, and for that I need you.

First, let me tell you about the energy that I am cultivating and the progress I’ve made so far.

I am building a stable field. It is tiny when you compare it with the dominant field. Tiny but stable and devoted to connection and fulfilment.

Those properties come from my deliberate continuous replacement of the beams (patterns) of the dominant field with beams (patterns) resonant with my experience of enjoyment, pleasure and fulfilment. That is a field of joy.

[A quick reminder the dominant field is a shortcut for the mouthful; AKA the white supremacist, cis-hetero patriarchal, settler colonialist, imperialist, capitalist and anthropocentric field. Not so long ago, I just used “the dominant field/culture” without specifying its attributes. Recently, I’ve become more aware and clearer about the names of the attributes of the dominant field so I can be clearer about what I mean with “the dominant field”.]

Now, I am trembling. My hands are shaking and I have to take a pause.

During my pause, I am reminded of a key feature of people unable or unwilling to handle the energy I transmit, their lack of skill rerouting that energy spoils the energy and converts it into resentment. Energy’s gotta move to be happy, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

The field of joy I hold transmits things that are either effortless or considerably easy for me to do.

For example, one of the attributes I deliberately nurture and transmit with this field is the flood of new awareness. This is because it is very easy for me to do that, literally, every day I get new awareness as if it was fresh air. For example, I watch an episode of the Simpson’s I’ve seen before tons of times, yet I come out of that experience a different person with a new relationship to the colour green (I am being facetious but honest he he).

I am quite conscious that sometimes that flood can be quite a lot for some people. It can take some grounding to receive and time to integrate it.

In particular, I’ve been told by numerous friends that sometimes they check out shortly after they start reading my posts. Sometimes they need a number of attempts before they can finish reading my stuff and several days to digest what they’ve just read and comment.

The absence of interaction with my posts used to dishearten me until I increased my attention and I noticed how I felt people in my body though they were silently interacting with my content and after a few inquiries, I realised that was exactly what was happening.

Some other attributes I foster in my field and I have gained a degree of sustainability are creativity, joy, (inner and outer) connection, connection to the land and nature in general, sensitivity, gravity, intuition, vision and Self-guidance. These are the attributes you can notice increasing in yourself when interacting with my field.

It all sounds amazing and, those attributes are inherently disruptive for your identity as they deliberately dissolve the sense of separation. I am drugs. I am the disruption party. So, the experiment is about being mindful and aware of how much of that you want to take in, how much you can receive and digest.

What I am trying to say is that it has become evident to me that ideally, you shouldn’t approach me unintentionally (this is, in part, a byproduct of my increase in intentionality on who and how I approach people, but that is the topic for another post).

This field of joy is potent. Inspired by how Cesar Millan does things, a few months ago I ran a test where I asked people I had never met before to come to talk to me about the biggest issue they had (within the scope of what I do). Ideally, I wanted them to bring up an issue they had tried and failed to address by a variety of methods. The only condition was to be willing to have a long-ish one-off session and follow through with the practice(s) that would be suggested during the session. The results were astonishing, especially since many of them had expertise in areas I had barely brushed over, yet I adjusted them there and got rave reviews describing radical transformations that happened within a month of the session.

Around the same time, I also decided to experiment with a method of distant healing and I got similar results. This time, however, I didn’t speak to or see them during the remote healing nor I asked them about their intention, I played with the energy of the field in a wider arena by simply using sensation. The feedback was awesome, movement, high sensation, visions, dreams, deep relaxation and trances that I felt from a grounded distance but the receivers felt intensely and had no trouble integrating.

This field is available for you, for everyone but what I want to convey with this post is the idea of being intentional with it. I’ll detail more about how to test and experiment with this field later in this post. But first, let’s talk about the buts because there are indeed buts.

So I am proficient in a variety of areas and increasingly gaining more proficiency. However, during this discovery process whenever I shifted my attention from nurturing the field to commercialising, packaging my discoveries or skills for consumption or I wanted to heavily promote those products, the field or its energy retreated.

I spent years trying to solve that conundrum, believing I was at fault. I thought of myself as unwilling and resistant to not being able to take my skills, promote them and sell them as any “normal” human being. I accepted I needed help and I did a lot of self-excavation guided by the journeys of people who successfully monetised their skills. If they could do it, I could do it, I repeated to myself relentlessly.

I gained a lot of awareness in that process, especially awareness about trauma and how to dissolve it. Yet, somehow that material gain evaded me (the fucker!). Inevitably, all roads I took led me to a point where I had to force myself to do something whilst feeling the screaming NO! in my body. Force myself to do something I had no rational or emotional reason not to do but that my body blatantly refused to do.

I kept following my body because the field would ground to a halt for anything that wasn’t resonant to a wholesome vision I wasn’t privy of. At times, it would happen for simple things like promoting the link to my events or inviting people to them.

Talk about feeling useless.

Powerless.

So when in powerlessness, handing over is the thing. I swallowed my pride and I kept handing over and respecting my internal boundaries, even when it felt insane and the choke of the survival mode crept up my spine.

I’ve lived that way for nearly five years. Years of negotiation between myself, my survival mode and the Unknown; gaining more and more familiarity navigating the choke and my internal boundary, barely having any money, supported by friends, family, the state, “luck”. Feeling ashamed for not being able to do what I could do in the past like any “normal” person: make money, support myself. Feeling ashamed for asking help, for needing it, for not knowing how to sort this. Wondering what’s wrong with me only to wake up every time I witnessed others struggling with things that for me are simple, easy, second nature.

Thus the lie of “If they can do it, I can do it too” started shattering because if I had no legs, could I really ever walk just like anyone else?

What worked for others, countless others didn’t work for me, so I had to be open to see what could work for me, regardless of how odd it looked. I wasn’t wrong or unwilling, something in my making was different and hence I needed different means, just like a person with no legs would need different appliances to walk.

During this exploration, I discovered my function, my devotion to the message and how it impaired me to get distracted from it by reacting to the calls of my survival mode. I accepted I needed help though not help as I had received before. Because a lot of the help I requested and gotten came from my need and desperation and the idea I had nothing to offer.

I had to dissolve that belief that ranked me less than the people who generously gifted me help. Also, I had to be intentional and revert that pole in my field. I had to work a lot on my perception and understanding of the energetics of help that isn’t charity but a flow of energy where both parties are equally served. I had to study how I moved that energy myself with others and relentlessly free myself of charge when addressing others. I had to realise that just like Mother Blanca in Pose, I don’t have the luxury of shame.

I had to work a lot, all to make this invitation

I want you to feel me, my needs, my impotence, my powerlessness. Feel the monkey on my neck when I see I have twenty-odd pounds in my account and over a hundred pounds of bills to pay next month. Feel the tension in my body when I see that. Hear my inner scream when I start spinning and I try to proceed based on my fear, impulsed by my survival mode. Feel the time it takes me to get back to centre, to ground, focus and ask myself “what next?”.

Aim to be curious. Exhale when you want to suggest I should try X or do Y, or when you wonder whether I am just a loser or you want to find me at fault. Feel yourself when I tell you “I don’t need your suggestions, your context. That is not the help I need nor the kind of help I am asking”.

Find your curiosity and feel this is not about me but the collective. How we hold and serve each other. How we are not separate. How we are connected. How my pain and my lack is your lack. How your pain and your lack is my lack. How I am your burden just as much as you are mine.

Feel how I am and I have been very willing to do everything I do for the field of joy, for the benefit of all beings and I am transmitting it with who I am.

I want you to feel my call to receive what I have and my request for help.

If you feel that’s about obligation or charity, stop right there and take a step back. Rest assured I want you to do what feels good for you. But no obligation, no force, no charity, no pressure. What I want is your effortless contribution, just as I am doing my effortless contribution to the mix of energies that sprouts from our connection.

I hope I have been clear enough because what follows are the details of the experiment and your participation in it.

First, connect with your heart, feel yourself, feel me, feel how you are wanted in joy and free of obligation.

Then, identify how you want to connect with me or help me. Read one of my posts, like it, comment, share it, message me, interact with myself or my content. Send me some money (link in profile), book my services, recommend my work to people, share my work, promote it, ask me “what do you need today? how can I help you?” (you don’t need to “sort” what I want, simply asking is enough), if resonant help me in the places I struggle. For this experiment, feel in your heart and pick one thing, the first thing that comes to mind and feels good to you. To put it simply, find your YES.

After you know what you want to do, how you want to connect with me or help me, connect with your heart and meditate to determine an intention. In general, you are going to get an undetermined amount of energy from the field I described before, so I want you to aim it somewhere for your benefit. Your clarity, your wisdom, you being more grounded, whatever you sense is the right location. You don’t need to tell me about your intention, that is for you to remember, though feel free to share it with me in the comments or by PM. You can also connect with me to ask for quick suggestions or if what you desire is to give me money but the intention feels unclear, talk to me about purchasing a tailor-made session for complete guidance on how to invest that energy or a healing to get a calibrated dosage.

Then act on your YES and once you’re done with connecting with me or helping me as you saw fit, increase your awareness on the specific topic tied to your intention. Do it for at least a month (though I’ve seen stuff unfolding for over a year) and please share with me what you notice, what you see the energy touching and unravelling. This is the part I am most interested in, however, if you prefer to keep the outcome of your experimentation private, that is OK as the main point of this invitation is the experimentation itself.

Now that I’ve said so much and opened the door to more clarity when interacting with the energy of the field of joy I hold, my left shoulder feels a bit pressed upon and the sensation is considerably less intense in my arm than when I started writing this.

I want to reiterate that all this I am saying is about bringing more awareness to the energetics of connection and help and, giving direction and taking responsibility for the energy we share and receive. It is also, about cutting off resentment by the root when helping or connecting with someone by having a clear intention.

I look forward to you taking an active part in this game/research and the field I am nurturing and learning about what you get from playing this way.