How To Be A Proud Third Wheel
By: The Virgin Wears Moonstone.
Tags: Funny, Dating, Satire, Sex, Life

If you happen to be in my magical box of “can pull accurate tarot card reading but can’t pull an accurate man from a dating app,” keep reading on to figure out how to third wheel responsibly.

Just smile. At everything.

To them, you are the past life of what they were used to. Going anywhere without anyone’s permission, sleeping in a bed by yourself, and ordering food just for you.

You’re their three-legged dog. They love to be around you but are pretty sure there are moments they wonder how you make it as long as you do.

Just keep your head up high for you are their key to the single world.

The last link of juicy hookup stories and funny remarks when you get your ex’s to come knocking back on your iPhone wall. Make it look as effortless and great as possible.

They don’t need to know how many times you’ve watched Love Jones and thought, “Where the hell can I find a great poetry club and a guy can talk about fucking me in blue lights?”

2. BE the comic relief.

Oh yes.

You see, couples can’t say stupidly outrageous things in public without the fear of getting the side-eye from their loved one, some can but most won’t. You are also the link to raunchy humor — borderline sexual harassment verbally given to the hottie in a man bun three blocks away.

You keep the party going because everyone loves your sense of dark and blunt humor — Just as long as it’s not the oblivious “woe is me, I’m alone” jokes.

You have to snatch your loneliness by the balls and show them that you, too, have great relationships but they just never last and as they begin to comfort you hit them with the punch line, “because these guys ain’t shit” and watch them laugh their hearts out as your homies cling to their not shit guys.

Winner winner.

When in doubt, just keep it this in mind: If you not laughing, are you really happy?

3. Keep your distance — not for their good or suspensions, but for your OWN emotions.

Oh no, they’re kissing on their noses or giggling in one husky tone.

This is the part where you want to pack your shit and leave but you can’t. You’re the big wheel on their tricycle.

And before you say “well, they invited you because they fill pity,” (ha, that’s the ideal dream). You happen to be one of the lucky ones who can make a room enjoyable so you ain’t going anywhere without them noticing. A sexy balance beam.

Just like you would for COVID, give yourself 6 feet because it’s gonna be a looong day.

Need a reminder that you are only cool with the boyfriend because of your homie? Six feet. You can hear all the whispered innuendos in earshot? Six feet. You can smell the jealously seeming out of your veins as they swing their holding hands? Six goddamn feet.

4. Have a fully charged phone.

Number three was the beginning of the couple’s engagement, but this is where it gets worse.

Those random moments of conversation that only belong to those two — the ones with the inside jokes and the last-minute date ideas when you go home. This is the moment you pull out your trusty cellular device and look as interested as possible.

Your favorite YouTuber updated another 30min video, watch it. Watch it all. Including the ads.

Is your Instagram feed showing all the petitions you need to sign? Get to signing. Already did? Sign them again. They’re doing that weird pinching of the cheeks and we need to end police brutality TODAY.

Start carrying around a portable charger if your couple in question are frequently squeezing on each other as you all watch Netflix in their car. You know the movie is boring but so is being at home with your parents.

Small reminder, no texting of the Exs. They are the Exs for a reason and you’ll start riding that pity train if you start that “situationship” again. Plus, COVID.

Refuse to take Quarantine Cock during these uncertain times.

5. Look at every guy and say how much you’ll mess around with him.

Just like number two, keep the raunchy sauce going but now have a specific target.

Lock that target down and make it apparent that yea, dude’s hot and a potential “Daddy” but the beard to mustache ratio is questionable, so no bedtime for him.

Every hot dude walking past you and your designated couple need to know how hot you really are and how these boys are tripping to come over to the yard to grab all your milkshakes, even if you are lactose intolerant.

I know, why keep bragging about things without putting them to action?

To keep that image in the front of their mind that “wow, she is so cool. I wish I was single again.” Bring them back in with every daddy you spot — even the real ones.