When You Don’t Know What to Do, Stop Everything and Listen
By: Taylor Foreman
Tags: Choices, Life, Listening, Motivation, Anxiety

When You Don’t Know What to Do, Stop Everything and Listen

Don’t move until you know it’s time.

Photo by Roland Hechanova on Unsplash

I feel a little lost.

I’m worried about money, I’m worried about my older family members during the holidays with COVID, I’m worried about Medium’s changes and views.

Am I good enough?

I wake up, and I do my best to get some words on the page. The more I write, the bigger and bigger the knot in my chest gets. Pretty soon, I’m pacing around my apartment, not sure what to do with myself.

Should I go for a walk? Should I keep writing? Should I eat something? Why am I so anxious?

Finally, I just sit. No phone, no computer. Just the afternoon light coming through my window. I dose at the beginning. That clears up nearly half of my issue by itself (when a kid gets cranky, he obviously needs a nap. I guess I’m no different).

I wake back up and just keep sitting there. My dog curls up with me. I sense my hands, then my legs, then my whole body. I decide that I won’t move until I know what to do next.

An hour later, I have clarity, and I’m ready to get up.

It’s Hard to Listen With So Much Noise

Notifications, texts, calls, it’s my move on Chess.com….

Sometimes we just need a moment to hear what our bodies are saying. That takes longer than reading an article. And the more you rush it, the longer it takes.

What would happen if you just sat down and said to yourself, “OK, I’ll sit here until we all agree on what we need to do next.”

Anxiety might be telling you, “We need to check Medium notifications!”

That’s fine. But there is no consensus. You can say, “thanks for the input, anxiety, but I am going to wait until all parts of me are on board before we start doing anything.”

Give Up

You don’t have to go for a walk or take a cold shower, or meditate, or anything “productive.”

You can do these things. In fact, I started with meditation before I dozed off. But the point of these things is to stop all the “doing” and just take a moment to “be.” If you are stuck in the indecision of which non-active activity to do — you’re off to a bad start.

Instead, do nothing. Just sit down on your couch and stare at the wall. Relax. Feel different parts of your body. Tell yourself this:

“This is a treat. I am going to do nothing for a moment.”

Let it feel like an escape. There is no task to win.

You are just going to sit in this spot until you have a motivation to do something from joy rather than anxiety.

Joy Over Anxiety

Anxiety is a useful guy. I am working on mending my relationship with him.

When he shows up before I hit “publish” on a big piece and double-check the work and catch a huge error, I thank anxiety. “Nice work, man!”

When I wake up in the morning and anxiety is over-powered, saying, “This is all meaningless. You will die eventually, so why bother?” I need to thank anxiety for his input and kindly ask him to shut the fuck up.

All parts of us have a reason to exist. Anxiety isn’t the enemy. He’s just been ignored and misused for too long. You remember that kid that got picked on too much in high school? Well, we all know how that goes.

Anxiety is allowed to hang out with me, but he mostly shouldn’t be calling the shots. The only way to set up this pleasant working relationship is to listen and be friendly with him.

When I find myself overwhelmed by anxiety, I need to sit down and listen for as long as it takes.

He will have one bad idea after another:

“We should move to Albuquerque!” “You should call your ex!” “Maybe drugs aren’t the worst thing ever?”

I don't have to act on any of these ideas. I can just listen. You know how you listen to a person? No solutions, just an empathetic ear. That’s how you listen to anxiety.

Eventually, he will tire himself out. Joy will rise again and suggest something like:

“Maybe we could write an article about listening?”

Anxiety — satisfied — will get on board with the rest of me.

Get All of You Pointing in the Same Direction

We all get busy and ignore our needs from time to time. Happens to the best of us.

Like a family no longer united, ignore certain members for too long and they will revolt. You are all of your parts — even the ones you don’t like. You can’t get rid of fear — you need to learn to have a working relationship with him.

When you take some time to listen to yourself, you learn to accept that you are you — warts and all — and taking the first step from there. Don’t assume you are only the person in a “good” mood. That’s just mania. You’ve probably just fed your fear and anxiety by acting out some drama in your life — now you feel better and you think it will last forever.

I’m not judging, by the way. This is me.

I feel bad. I take it out on some loved one in my life. I get “high” on the apology process. I feel better for a few days. Repeat.

I notice that the drama is reduced, and the manic episodes are fewer when I get all of me on the same page.