A Life of Love and Grace
By: Savannah Schaffer
Tags: Self, Growth, Life Lessons, Love, Life

A Life of Love and Grace

Inspiration from a Biography of Fred Rogers

Photo by Anastasiya Romanova on Unsplash

Growing up in a strictly conservative home, there were strict limits to what our family was allowed to watch on television. We were probably a decade behind the times when we finally upgraded from the boxy old TV set to a new-fangled flatscreen. Our TV time was limited to a few animated cartoons and old (mostly black and white) movies. But there were a few shows on PBS that were also acceptable, including Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood, which came on every day at 12.30 pm. My mother would comment that this was perfect timing because it calmed the children down for their afternoon naps. Being one of the few shows we got to watch on television, I enjoyed sitting through these reruns even as I got older. I was drawn to the gentle and kind world of Mr. Rogers just as my younger siblings were. Of course, I had to maintain my dignity by mocking the childish puppets and silly conversations, something that I am a little ashamed of now. One of my favorite segments was when Mr. Rogers would show a tape about how common foods or objects were made. I attribute much of my curiosity about the world to Mr. Rogers’ example of lifelong learning.

His tender expression of love and concern resonated so deeply with me, I felt tears coming to my eyes as if I was again a little child, and someone was reassuring me that yes, I was indeed loved.

Eventually, I stopped watching Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood and forgot entirely about the show for some years. And then somehow I heard about the 2018 documentary film, “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?” highlighting Fred Rogers’ remarkable life and character. When I finally watched it, I was fascinated to discover the thoughtfulness and depth behind his work. Like so many others across the decades, I was moved by his empathy and love for each person in the world. There was a moment in the documentary where Mr. Rogers talks about how important it is for children to feel loved for who they are — not what they have done or what they might accomplish, but to feel loved just for who they are at that moment. His tender expression of love and concern resonated so deeply with me, I felt tears coming to my eyes as if I was again a little child, and someone was reassuring me that yes, I was indeed loved.

Since seeing this documentary I had a new-found appreciation for Mr. Rogers and was eagerly awaiting the new biography, “The Good Neighbor” by Maxwell King. Although in the meantime, I also thoroughly enjoyed the Tom Hanks’ movie about Fred Rogers that came out in 2019. It seems I am not the only one to discover, or rediscover, the profound impact he has made on the modern world.

The Good Neighbor: The Life and Work of Fred Rogers by Maxwell King was a delightful read, I appreciated the thorough exploration of Fred Rogers’ life and how he became the endearing icon of children’s television. As I highlighted sections and made notes throughout the book, there were a few overarching themes that I began to notice. There are so many ways to be inspired by the life of Fred Rogers, but these are a few aspects that especially caught my attention.

(All quotations below are excerpted are from The Good Neighbor by Maxwell King)

“Guided Drift”

As a young man fresh out of college, Fred Rogers became interested in the new medium of television. He quickly found himself in a successful position at the recently formed National Broadcasting Corporation, NBC, in New York City. However, after only a short time he decided to leave this job and return to Pittsburgh to work with public television. To anyone else, abandoning a career at one of the most successful television corporations and moving to the relative “backwater” of Pittsburgh seemed like a terrible decision. It defies common sense. But yet in the grand scheme of things, Pittsburgh was the perfect place for Fred to explore how to use television.

“I was just at the right place at the very right time,” Rogers later recalled. “I knew that the decision to leave New York and to come to Pittsburgh and launch in this place nobody had ever heard of was the correct one for me.

Of course, the serendipity of his decision would not be seen for many years.

But this theme is echoed by the words of Fred’s professor at seminary, Dr. Bill Orr. This professor, in particular, inspired Rogers’ lifelong commitment to kindness, forgiveness, and grace towards those around him. Dr. Orr also spoke of this notion of “guided drift” in life.

Dr. Orr’s philosophy was that one needed to live a life that was open to change and serendipity, that embraced the possibilities of life rather than the confines of a rigid set of rules.

He likened it to drifting along a stream. You might make a few conscious efforts to guide yourself away from logs or rocks in the water, but for the most part, you are being carried by the stream — outside your own control. This notion is seen in Fred Rogers’ own life, where he was open to trying new things and seeing what might happen. At the time, Fred couldn’t explain why his move to Pittsburgh would be the best thing but he went with the drift.

This type of thing happened time and again throughout Fred’s life as he was challenged to take a risk with the unknown or stick with the safe path that others prescribed. There is value in being open to unorthodox opportunities; we can’t see the big picture when we’re in the middle of it, but if we’re willing to follow the drift of life we might end up with exactly what we wanted all along.

To Know Who You Are

“You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are.” — Fred Rogers

Fred’s upbringing in a supportive and healthy family helped him enter adulthood with a strong center of being. But this work of knowing himself was a lifelong journey. We never stop growing, we never fully understand or know ourselves. In one of his commencement speeches later in life, he notes, “All I can say is, it’s worth the struggle to discover who you really are.”

This centeredness shows through in his work and is what helped him become such a beloved TV personality for so many families.

Silence — Fred’s willingness, as a producer and as a person, to embrace quiet, inactivity, and empty space — and his calm demeanor were completely unexpected in television in the 1970s. They were qualities that captivated children and their parents.

For example, when Fred had a guest on the show, he was silent while the guest demonstrated their skills. Fred would let Yo-Yo Ma play the cello and the camera would just focus on his hands moving across the instrument, rather than Fred narrating or describing what was happening. I was always interested in the segment where Fred feeds his fish. This is such a quiet time, as the viewer just watches the fish slowly nibble at their food. What a revolutionary way to use the television medium when everyone else was trying to fill every moment with action and sound. Fred wasn’t on television trying to become famous. He wasn’t about attracting attention by creating raucous scenes. There was a stillness about his personality which came from his sense of being. There was no need to feed his ego with fame. He was at peace with who he was and reflected that sense of acceptance to his audience. About Fred’s grounded persona, his friend Eliot Daley commented,

“His power derived from a really unique place. It was his absolute self-possession, which is very different from self-interest or self-satisfaction, or selfishness. He didn’t need anything from you or from me. He welcomed it, but he didn’t need it.”

Instead of filling the empty space with meaningless words, Fred was comfortable with the silence. Fred showed up to life without pretense, without a facade or desire to impress. I’m not sure if this terminology was around when Fred began his work, but I liken his presence to someone “holding space.” In his show, he is holding space for all those children watching, to make them feel loved and accepted. To hold space for another person takes tremendous courage and self-awareness, which Fred demonstrated throughout his life. His commitment to knowing himself and loving others is no less profound in 2020 than in 1970.

Emotional Awareness

When I initially watched the documentary about Fred Rogers, I was impressed by his thoughtful and scholarly approach to early childhood experiences. The television show might seem whimsical or spontaneous, but it was grounded by a deep understanding of what children need. Looking back, what I appreciate most about the show is how Fred taught children to process and express their emotions. In this Fred was inspired by Margaret McFarland, a lifelong friend, and leader in the field of early childhood education. He made note of her maxim that, “whatever is mentionable is manageable.” If you are able to express what you feel in some way, it isn’t so scary anymore. Fred used his own childhood as an example; he learned that through banging the keys on the piano it made his anger more manageable.

In a response to some children who wrote him a letter, Fred explains,

“If I couldn’t allow myself to feel angry, then I would never be able to let out the happy feelings when I am happy.”

Fred gave children space and courage to confront their fear, their anger, and all these emotions that are difficult to work through even as adults. He modeled for parents how to show up for their children and how to help them work through their feelings. In particular, he demonstrated this through his careful attention to the worries of a child. As he began meeting children and responding to letters from his young audience, Fred treated them with the utmost respect. There was no worry too silly or trivial for him to address. He never dismissed a child’s fear as being ridiculous or unimportant. Because Fred never forgot his own childhood, he never forgot how big these worries seem to a child. Instead of lying for sake of comforting a child, Fred was insistent on telling the truth about reality, but in such a way that a child could cope with it. He didn’t pretend that everything was going to be okay and that bad things would never happen. But he helped children learn to process their emotions and find ways to feel safe in an unpredictable world.

A Life of Grace

I was always surprised, or a little confused, at how Fred Rogers seemed to be pushed aside by my own religious communities. Our domination had a fairly close affinity to Presbyterians and other Presbyterians such as J. Gresham Machen were referenced quite heavily by our church leaders. In my mind, having a Christian in such a public sphere of influence seemed to be a cause for celebration and recognition. I don’t remember the details of any mention of Fred Rogers, but my impression is that he was sidelined by the church for being too liberal.

And yet now, reflecting on his life and words, I wonder if perhaps he is one of the greatest examples of a Christian in modern America. Christians have a tendency to focus on the God-like aspects of Jesus Christ, his perfection, his ability to perform miracles, and so forth. We emphasize what makes him different from us. But Fred Rogers was drawn to the human-ness of Christ. Yes, he was the Son of God, but he was also a man. In the flesh. With the same experiences of humanity that we have. Fred saw that authenticity and truth were of paramount importance to Jesus. Christ spent his time on earth rebuking the Pharisees and the hypocrites — those who pretended to be better than they were. Jesus was drawn to those who knew themselves, regardless of their occupation or status in this world.

“Jesus had much greater hope for someone like that than for someone who always pretended to be something he wasn’t.” — Fred Rogers

Looking back now, I think Fred was sidelined by many because he refused to use his position as a platform for teaching theology or dogma. He didn’t want his television show to become a sermon. Rather than causing division and conflict by promoting a specific doctrine, Fred demonstrated his faith throughout his life.

But Rogers worried that such public posturing would cause confusion with the parents and children he reached on television. And he always felt that actions — kindness, understanding, and openness in relationships — were more important than words.

Fred spent his life reflecting the virtues of grace and forgiveness. Grace is radical and uncomfortable, it doesn’t make sense, it defies logic. Grace is not sermonizing about the dictionary definition of the word, grace is living in a constant sense of love and connectedness to others.

Fred Rogers, writer Tom Junod concludes “was about grace. Fred was about bringing grace to people’s lives, everybody that he met that I can tell. And more amazingly, and . . . through much greater difficulty, and against much higher odds, through the medium of television, a graceless medium if there ever was one — and Fred insisted that this could be a medium of grace. That’s revolutionary.”

It is easy to look down on the Fred Rogers’ show as being silly or infantile. He was just a man wearing a cardigan who played with puppets and sang songs. And yet, what a vision he had for his work. What could be more important for a young child than to feel safe and loved? And how could this demonstration of love and grace transform the world? Fred Rogers had the courage to show up in the world as himself and to encourage others to do the same. And this is the most radical thing any of us can do.