13 Celebrities We’re Capable of Approaching… and How
By: Danny Dunn
Tags: Funny, Lists, Celebrity, Comedy, Opinion

Celebrities are constantly being approached, bothered, and harassed when in public but is it possible to be original? Living in LA I think about this all the time. If I saw a celebrity I liked, would I say anything to them? And if I did, what could I say that wouldn’t be instantly annoying and said a million times before? The rule of thumb if you see a celebrity should be to leave them alone. What are you really going to do with that selfie where your finger is taking up ⅓ of the frame? And screaming “I love you!” is weird. They don’t know you and you don’t really know them. It’s most likely going to end with them quoting my ex-girlfriend, “We’re not there yet.” The ideal scenario would be that they approach you. It is highly unlikely but not completely impossible. One time, on a walk, I passed Henry Winkler. Since he has given me so much joy it seemed wrong to steal his by bothering him, so I said nothing. Right before we passed, he stopped his conversation, looked at me, did jazz hands, and said “Hi!” then kept walking. I would swallow marbles if Henry Winkler needed me to. All that being said, call me Tom Cruise because we’re going to find a way to pull off Mission Impossible (I’m so sorry for that) and we’re going to do it together. Also continuing with the Tom Cruise metaphor here, if you don’t enjoy this piece I will scream at you for a full 95 seconds. Here are 13 celebrities that we’re capable of approaching… and how.

1. Awkwafina

This Emmy award winning rapper/actress is one of the coolest people in Hollywood and not overly known enough that she’d yet be jaded by the public or paparazzi. This is great for us because it decreases our margin of error tremendously. I see two avenues. Either match her cool and casual vibe with a quick, “what’s up, love your stuff.” Or you could go very bold and hit her with a freestyle. I realize this sounds like a terrible idea but anyone who rose to prominence with a rap song titled “My Vag” will appreciate a big swing.

2. Jimmy Fallon

The Tonight Show Host and SNL aluminist is perhaps the top giggler show business has to offer. This is a beautiful quality that I would never criticize, especially when it walks him so perfectly into our web. After about six minutes of researching his interviews, it became obvious that there is one sure-fire way to convince Jimmy that you are the funniest person on the planet. All you have to do is be the most recent person he has spoken to. This makes him the golden goose of positive celebrity interactions as long as we pick literally any topic that isn’t genocide or the critical reviews for Fever Pitch. A mutually enjoyable interaction in the bag.

3. Nicole Byer

Somehow this comedienne has harnessed the light of the sun and the joy of a Tom Cruise Oprah appearance (really have TC on the brain today). It is possible that you may not know who she is and I’m here to tell you that that is absolutely a shortcoming on your part. What better way to remedy it than face-to-face with the human laugh track herself. She is hilarious and part of that is a result of her craziness. Let’s lean into that. If you see Nicole Byer in person, take off your shoes, hand her one, and say “we finally have something in common.” She’ll love it, you’ll learn to, and you both will have a story likely to be heard on her podcast shortly thereafter.

4. The Impractical Jokers

This is less about expressing appreciation and more about self-preservation. If you see these guys out in the wild, then something is going the fuck down. Get ahead of it; fake a heart attack, pretend to be a long lost lover, spit in their mouths. Do whatever it takes to flip the power dynamic and pray they crumble. You must protect yourself at all costs from being joked on impractically.

5. Adam Driver

This one should be the hardest but will shockingly be one of the easiest. Under normal circumstances, the Drive Man does not seem like someone who has any interest whatsoever in talking to someone he doesn’t know. I would not be surprised if he only had 10 contacts saved in his phone and it’s just a revolving door of those he deems most relevant at the time. However, I know something you may not. Adam Driver is from Indiana, as am I. And if there is one thing a person from Indiana absolutely loves, it is meeting someone else from Indiana when the both of you are not currently in Indiana. I hereby grant you temporary citizenship to my mother state should you see AD out in public. Lead with, “Hey I’m from Indianapolis. Hearing that the corn is in season again this year!” (Corn has always been in season and will be forever) You are pretty much guaranteed a delightful conversation about nothing specific at all. There’s no way this can go poorly if you correctly invoke his Midwestern roots, trust me, one time I saw a family friend say “thank you” to a vending machine.

6. Laura Dern

Oh sweet, sweet, Lauren Dern. Honestly just go up and ask for genuine life advice. As the Queen of the Universe she is obligated to help you. Nothing clever needed here, you’re in the safest of spaces.

7. Winona Ryder

This is another person I highly doubt enjoys strange encounters. However, if I were to see Winona Ryder in person I would sooner die than leave the Diem Un-Carpe’d and if you don’t feel the same way then you’re not the partner I thought you were. The key here is to be short and sweet, just keep it moving. Without breaking stride I would walk by, do one of those two-fingered casual salutes, and say “thank you is not enough.” This should get you out unscathed and leave her unbothered which, for this one, is the most we can hope for. Conversely, I firmly believe the absolute worst option would be to say “Ryder? I barely know her.”

8. Vin Diesel

This is another softball. You don’t make movies like that if you don’t absolutely love attention at all times. Plus if you’ve ever seen a Fast and Furious movie or even a single one of his interviews, you know Vin has a pretty liberal definition of the word “family.” It’s roughly the same criteria we discussed for who Jimmy Fallon thinks is funny, you just have to be alive and near him. So if you can get Vin to make eye contact with you, you’re in. After that, you can really say whatever we want. Personally I would start complimenting the new music he just released on Kygo’s record label. It will be very natural because I love it unironically; something I have lost friendships as a result of. By the end of this conversation if you don’t have a new best friend and a seat at his Thanksgiving table then you have seriously botched this one.

9. Bong Joon-Ho

This one is very unique. Despite being one of the best filmmakers currently working today, Bong does not speak English fluently. This is by no means a criticism, if I tried to learn Korean my brain would reenact one of the more unfortunate scenes from The Hurt Locker. What’s the last thing Bong is expecting in a casual American encounter? The Korean language. Memorize the following phrase “dangsin-ui nun-eun dangsin-ui misoui gil-eul bi chubni da” (당신의 눈은 당신의 미소의 길을 비 춥니 다).” This translates roughly to “your eyes illuminate the path to your smile.” Yes a mouthful, and I don’t mean to make this wonderfully talented Academy Award winner a victim of the male gaze, but I believe the delight of being addressed in his native tongue paired with the kindness of our words would be enough to make this a successful endeavor with the Parasite director.

10. Ellen Degeneres

Alright, we’ve all heard the rumors that Ellen is a real Moody Judy. I’m sure you’re thinking that approaching her would earn you a one-way ticket to the Gulag. Wrong! Stay with me here. We ‘accidentally’ bump into her, just slightly. When we turn to apologize, you say “Oh dear God! Ellen! I am so sorry! Please don’t yell at me and also please don’t have my entire extended family set on fire.” Regardless if she’s actually nice or not, there’s no way she’ll confirm the rumors of her behavior by being hostile to you in this moment. If anything, I bet she overcompensates us right into a front row seat to “Ellen’s 12 Days of Giveaways.” Not only are you getting your positive celebrity interaction, you’re probably also walking away with a gifted air fryer (I think it’s so funny when her big giveaway for the audience is tickets to come back to the show. It’s like when you do a lottery scratch-off and instead of winning money you just win another scratch-off).

11. Rudolph Giuliani

Borat showed us that not only is it easy to get access to the former New York Mayor and current melting ice cream cone, but he’ll pretty much go along with anything. Please don’t misunderstand, I have no interest in conversing with ole’ Rudy in any capacity, but since he apparently can be talked into absolutely anything, then why not capitalize on this opportunity? You need help moving a couch? Painting your house? Checking for hemorrhoids? Real life Mr. Potato Head is your shockingly agreeable partner in crime. You’ll get what you need and he’ll feel important for once.

12. Tony Hawk

If you follow Tony Hawk on social media then you know he is constantly having strange fan encounters. Often he tells stories of people asking if they went to highschool together or remarking that he looks a lot like that skateboard guy. This is surprising to me, and maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like Mr. Hawk is still pretty relevant and incredibly recognizable, especially as he bears a strange resemblance to his surname. Since it seems like he has a pretty good sense of humor when it comes to these interactions, I think we can have a little fun with it. We approach the skateboarding icon with, “Dad?” He’ll be confused, I’m sure. Then you follow it up with, “You look exactly like my mom said you would.” I don’t really know where this is going to end but I’m betting it plays out with some laughs, extra credit if you can get your dad to act enraged. This one is open to all but will be much more convincing if you are of the right age and appearance. I’m planning on giving it a shot but since I look like Blake Griffin if he had polio, I think it’ll be short lived.

13. Stanley Tucci

Finally, the easiest of the bunch to find, Stanley Tucci is the one celebrity that you can summon at a moment’s notice. If you look in the mirror and say “underappreciated range” 3 times then he will instantly appear in your house to make you an Old Fashioned. This is apparently a thing he does now according to Instagram and, for some reason, a lot of news articles (mix cocktails, not teleport). All you have to do is relax and have a drink with this shiny-headed hero.