As a White-Passing AAPI, My ‘Asianness’ Has Been Questioned and Doubted
By: Emma Lovewell
Tags: Stopasianhate, Race, Asian American, Identity, Peloton

I am half Taiwanese and half white. I have been told by many people throughout my life that I “don’t really look Asian.” This, interestingly enough, has put me in many situations where people say racist things towards Asians in front of me, thinking that I’m either 100% white and/or that I’ll find their ignorant comments funny. Growing up, I would joke with my friends that I was “secretly Asian.” And later learned the term “white passing,” which generally means I have the privileges of a white person, but offers me very little room to actually have a say in how I identify myself.

A question I’ve been asked many times before: “Well, do you feel more white or Asian?” And the answer is both. My journey of finding my identity really began in college, and I am still learning. This dorm room story was the first of many racist interactions I’ve experienced, unfortunately. It was one small, yet influential, moment as it honestly lit a fire in me to learn more about my heritage, and who I am.

Today I am proud to be Asian. I am a senior Peloton instructor teaching fitness to millions of people globally. I share my story in hopes of inspiring and bringing people together. I care about my family and Asian lives, and recently had the honor of going to Capitol Hill to lobby for the Covid-19 Hate Crimes Act, which just passed as a law a few weeks ago.

I grew up in a mostly white neighborhood with a minority mother. I know that was challenging for my mom, although I didn’t realize it as a kid. She didn’t have any of her family nearby and there wasn’t anyone else in the community who came from a similar culture. As a kid, I remember feeling like an outsider on occasion. Not all the time, but I’d feel it especially around lunch time when my classmates would ask questions about the unfamiliar Chinese food I brought to school. I’d get frustrated when my mom often couldn’t remember my friends’ names. I remember wondering why the other moms were so affectionate with hugs and kisses, but my mom never hugged my friends.

There were definitely times as a kid that I felt embarrassed about my culture. It’s taken some time but now I love where I come from, and I am especially proud of my mom. I truly think of her as a superhero. Raising kids is hard enough, but to do it in an environment with little support from family while feeling like an outcast must have been so much harder. I see her resilience and her courage especially after my parents separated and she chose to stay in our town despite all of the obvious challenges.

I applaud her for showing my brother and me how to cook Chinese food, and how to celebrate Lunar New Year. She shared stories of growing up in Taiwan and taught us important values like respecting your elders. Just two years ago we were able to take a trip to Taiwan as a family. My mom, brother, his wife, and my baby nephew and I all took a two-week trip to travel around the beautiful island. I could see how proud my mom was, how she felt right at home and was so excited to share it with us. That was a beautiful memory.