Former Israeli Space Security Chief Says Extraterrestrials Are Against Two-State Solution
By: Simon Black
Tags: Satire, Poltics, Aliens, Israel, Humor

Photo by Sander Crombach on Unsplash

A “galactic federation” has been waiting for humans to “reach a stage where we will understand… what space and spaceships are,” Haim Eshed said. He is the former head of space security for the state of Israel.

He claims that the ETs are also on record as opposing the so-called two-state solution to the Israel/Palestine conflict, which would divide Jerusalem in two.

Are the ETs Jewish?

Contrary to some rumors, the extra-terrestrials that have contacted both Israel and the United States, are neither Jewish nor Muslim.

“The ETs are atheists,” explained Eshed. “They should know there is no God. They flew their spaceships to heaven and found it quite empty.”

Then why do they favor the Jewish one Jerusalem solution?

“Look,” explained Eshed, “The ETs are big comedy fans. They love Borscht Belt humor. They are also big fans of popular music. Sammy Davis Jr., who you might know converted to Judaism, is extremely popular. They especially love his song, ‘Candyman.’ In fact, when they first made contact, that is what this is what they said to us through a loudspeaker on one of their flying saucers:

“Who can take a rainbow

Wrap it in a sigh

Soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie

The Candy Man can.”

“We at the space agency thought we were all hallucinating,” explained Eshed about hearing the song.

“Then they emerged from this ramp onto the runway of our Space Agency airport. And they started doing a little tap dance.”

What did the aliens look like?

“They looked exactly like the Marx Brothers,” claimed Eshed. “Their leader was smoking a cigar, just like Groucho. I guess they thought we would be more comfortable if they appeared in this form.

Later they revealed their true appearance, which was quite horrifying, explained the Space Agency chief.

“Yes, it was all tentacles and sharp teeth and reptilian tails. We begged them to put back the hologram that made them look like the Marx Brothers.”

What do they want from us?

The main thing, apparently, was a bagel with cream cheese and lox.

“They’re crazy about bagels,” said Eshed. “Some of them like white fish. But others of them don’t even like the lox. Just the cream cheese. And the most popular variety of bagel is the poppy seed.”

So they came all this way just to get a bagel and cream cheese?

“Apparently, we’re famous all over the universe for our bagels,” said Eshed. “Nobody makes them better than we do down here on planet earth.”

No wonder they favor the Israelis then, right?

Well, that’s not exactly true, according to Eshed.

“They just want us all to get along,” he claimed. “Also, they would like a couple of knishes and some pastrami sandwiches to take back on their return voyage to their galaxy.”

Hmmm.

At press time it was revealed that the ETs were requesting a farewell performance from Barbara Streisand and a private audience with gold medal swimmer Mark Spitz.

The Palestinian Authority disputes the Israeli claims, and contends the aliens want Israel to give back the land it stole on the West Bank, and they also want some Fatayer, which is a beef pie popular in Palestine. They also requested a meeting with Omar Shariff and were devastated to learn he had passed away, apparently weeping for the entire three-hour screening of their favorite film, Dr. Zhivago.

They disappeared as fast as they came

As the Israelis and the Palestinians started arguing about which side the ETs liked best, they quietly disappeared and were never heard from again.

Oh, and Donald Trump knows about all this, said Eshed. So if you want confirmation of this story please contact him in his new home in Mar-a-Lago.

We were unable to get a comment from the President. He was apparently out golfing as thousands more Americans were dying of COVID.

Oh, and by the way, the aliens are no-maskers.

“They think we’re being real babies about this little flu,” said Eshed. “They love Trump.”

Of course they do…