Mental Health — Borderline Personality Disorder
Tags: Suicide, Mental, Borderline Personality, Crisis, Mood

I was recently graced with running across a wonderful gem of a post on the subject of BPD (borderline personality disorder). It resonated with me deeply, as I have been given and confirmed with the diagnosis for years now, 10 to be exact. I wanted to share my favorite parts of this piece on BPD, but to read it in its entirety (and oh, you absolutely should), you can find it here: https://www.deviantart.com/myriadwhitedarkness/art/Let-s-Talk-about-BPD-MHealth-Awareness-Month-879077476

In a chat group I’m in we recently lost two people in the space of a few days. This is not because they were terrible, evil people. It’s because they are, in all respects, lost in the maelstrom that is the dx…and it is a maelstrom of titanic proportions.

This part hit me hard. I, too have struggled and still do with suicidal thoughts, attempts, self harm and much more (impulsivity, risky behavior, all the rest of the symptoms of BPD… and I mean ALL of them). Disclaimer: I see a psychiatrist, a psychologist and a primary care physician, so no need to comment with a “you should get help” type thing. Plus, the “help” given is a joke sometimes anyway (why do you think we still suffer).

Gwillieth on DeviantArt

Someone with Bipolar can have a manic episode that lasts several days, then swing into a depressive episode that lasts about as long while someone with BPD can have mood swings in minutes (Duckworth, 2017). These swings are often intense, and they are going to look different from person to person depending on the background of their dx and, sometimes, their age.

I absolutely HATE this part of having BPD. I can go from excited to raging in a split second. Raging meaning I want to stab or hurt someone, break glass, punch walls… yes, RAGING. Angry outbursts and a short temper are classic signs of BPD, sadly.

To continue on the subject of comorbidities, BPD has, to put it mundanely, a lot. They vary by person but some disorders that co-occur include but are not limited to depressive disorder, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, sleep disorder, substance use disorder, and general learning disabilities (Shen, Hu & Hu, 2017). People with BPD also experience psychosis depending on the extremities of symptomology. I often say BPD is like psychiatry-noodle-soup.

I am sure BPD is often misdiagnosed since the disorder includes the symptoms of SO many other disorders. That’s probably why I have MANY other diagnoses myself (including BPD).

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And, look, I’m not saying this to be cruel, but in full-blown swing with substance abuse and the above in mind, it is almost impossible to be a functional human being.

I didn’t find that statement cruel when I first read it. I actually found it to be very realistic and accepting of what can, and usually does, happen. I am one of those cases. I could barely function starting from about age 16, onward. I have also decided to remain single for the foreseeable future because when I am in a serious relationship I go absolutely nuts. I get controlling, am very jealous, demanding, and just all around hard to handle… and I know it. I’m happier alone anyway. I very much enjoy my own company. I can’t hurt me like other people can and do.

driftwoodwolf on DeviantArt

There’s been times when my reactivity was so off the charts it was completely inappropriate. It takes a lot to make me lose my cool these days, and I tend to shut down and withdraw. It’s not really coping but its better than being explosive and impossible.

I completely agree. The ramifications of having blown up on someone can literally last a lifetime (traumatize the other person, break their trust, ruin a friendship, etc.). Also, it’s embarrassing AF after you cool down and come to your senses! Often times I don’t even remember all the things I said or did while in a rage. It’s like I black out in a sense. It’s hard to remember the moments when I felt most angry. It’s like another part of my brain controls my actions at that time. It’s pretty disturbing…

AnthonyPresley on DeviantArt

When you have such big emotions and no outlet, because you’ve learned that expressing it is unhealthy, all that needs somewhere to go. This is, in my opinion, when people with BPD are at the highest risk for suicide.

So spot on, this gave me chills…

At the same time, with the knowledge of my dx, I know, with concrete certainty, that if I knew what I had before I had kids, I would never have been a parent. One of my cardinal rules when it comes to parenting is to never, ever expose my kids to my symptomology. Childhood is blissful ignorance when it comes to adult things if the parent does things rightly, but kids listen, kids observe, and kids grow to recognize when things are off. There is nothing that terrifies me more than being the person I have read about in those books regarding surviving the BPD parent. It is the one thing that keeps me awake at night, paralyzed with fear.

This is the exact same reason I refuse to have kids. I would never wish this agony on ANYONE, especially innocent children that I brought into the world. No thanks. Hard pass. You’re welcome, my unborn child(ren). You are safe forever.

I’m not sure why individuals like Jane Austen can go their entire lives without getting married and everyone is fine with it, but if I declare it I’m some sort of crazy people hating hermit? Yes I am deranged, I want to eat my Snickers by myself. I don’t want to steal your heart, I want to steal your chocolate stash. I’m a madman, total lunatic.

Touché

Now your apocalypse stopper is just another horseman; but instead of facing your apocalypse with the knowledge its the apocalypse you’re going to face it lying on the floor drowning in your own vomit. It might feel nice, but it’ll still kill you, eventually.

Addiction / running from your problems. I know all about this too intimately.

And I get very irritated with people who insist that ‘getting up and going’, with proper intervention, is entirely within reach. Because that is a lie. There are too may people trying to pull themselves up by their cognitive bootstraps to ignore the fact that we are failing in providing adequate service in the psychological department.

My psychiatrist keeps trying to get me to volunteer or work when I don’t want to. I mean, I do want to, but I can’t handle other people relying on me constantly, having expectations put on me and being consistent. I, as a person, am not consistent. My moods aren’t consistent. My energy isn’t consistent. My thoughts aren’t consistent. I would honest-to-god rather be dead (I’m serious, I have attempted and ended up in the ICU for a few days). Plus, I am on fucking disability for a reason, for gods sake. I don’t need the added OBVIOUS DISTRESS.

I am someone who does not believe a dx should rule someone’s life, but in the case of BPD [not] being aware of the parameters of what you’re dealing with, and how you can seek betterment is detrimental. Imagine living your life walking through a hurricane, perhaps even feeling like a hurricane, and not knowing why.

I really don’t like it when people say the whole, “your diagnosis doesn’t define you.” Um, if only you fucking knew. And this snippet portrays just that. You NEED to know all about BPD or else you’re in for it. You HAVE to cope and manage and all that shit. There’s no ignoring it. It is a HUGE part of your life.

…if I only told you that in your suffering you were vindicated, I would be disempowering you and dismissing what you are entirely capable of as an individual. There is nothing crueler I could do to you than to tell you that you are incapable of change…and as much as I hold this accountability over the dx, so also do I hold it over myself. This applies as much to me as it does to you.

I have changed so much, but it was and is fucking HARD. And I still don’t feel that it’s a permanent thing, but it is definitely a maintenance thing. I have to keep a check on myself daily as to not slip back into toxic habits and behavior.

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I hope you enjoyed these snippets of truth and knowledge of BPD as much as I did. But truly, you need to read the piece in its entirety to get the whole picture. It is so helpful. It made me feel validated, seen, and heard. So many people don’t understand this disorder. It is such an all encompassing thing that I believe you just cannot comprehend the depths and extent of it unless you have it yourself. But if you know someone with this disorder, PLEASE at least know the symptoms and don’t be too hard on them, we’re hard enough on ourselves.