For Those Just Beginning Their Gender Journey
By: Laurel W
Tags: Transgender, Coming Out, Nonbinary, LGBTQ, Transitions

Hi! I'm sorry if these struggles of identity have caused you any distress, but I'm so very proud of you for having the courage to reach out for help and answers from others. One of the first steps we take in any journey is to find connection and community while seeking answers and uncovering our own unique truths.

I think I always knew I was trans but never had the words. Maybe if I did, I would've begun this part of my story sooner. I'll never know. But when I think back on things in my life, when memories from childhood strike me like lightning, I can see that this part of myself was always around and to some extent, I was aware of it. But to a much greater extent, I instinctively knew it was something I couldn't share without taking some level of risk.

I spent most of my adult life telling myself every night that 'this will be my deepest secret and it will die with me' and I genuinely believed that. When I finally took a look at my life and within myself and decided to confront this part of me, I was overcome with anxiety for several months. Was I really trans or was this another mistake? And if I was trans, was I VERY trans or just a LITTLE? And if I was JUST a little trans did I even need to worry about it, tell anyone, or do anything about it? And if I WAS very trans could I actually take the steps to live a life I had truly thought would be the hardest thing I'd ever done? Could I even tell anyone about any of this?

It blows my mind because I was SO terrified at the beginning, and I was SO uncertain.

All of this began for me about 2 years ago. I eventually came out to everyone (finally came out to work just a couple of months ago after working remotely all year), I began socially transitioning, I began hormones (a part of medical transition), I've had my name changed legally (still sorting through that headache), and I've done and experienced so many other things.

I never thought I'd be happy with myself. I thought I'd want to have all of the surgeries and lost hundreds of pounds and break off all of my old relationships and start completely new with total strangers. But the further along I go the less that's what I want. I'm happier and happier with what I see in the mirror. I'm still losing weight, but that's only because I care enough about myself now that I just have a healthier lifestyle. I'm not sure I'll ever want surgery for my face or top, I'm going to give myself more time to decide that, and I'm surprised that I'm working towards scheduling bottom surgery so soon--as early as next year! I've lost loads of people but I have even more people in my life that are infinitely more wonderful than anyone I had before. It blows my mind because I was SO terrified at the beginning, and I was SO uncertain.

But how did I get here? Very much in the same way as yourself. I began reaching out to random trans folk I followed online, I asked questions on a few forums I had found across the internet, I read a lot, and I did a lot of thinking. Most of all, I TOOK ONE SMALL STEP AT A TIME.

if it makes sense, then take another step. And then another, and another, and so on until it stops making sense to take any more steps.

I took a small step, like wearing cute shorts under my pants, and if it felt good and right and comfortable, then I took another step. I tried dressing a certain way by myself, and if it made sense, then I continued doing it. When I came out, I would dress that way in front of my most trusted friends. And then eventually I dressed that way out in public at the grocery store. I tried just a little makeup, some eyeliner maybe, and if it felt good and comfortable, I'd try some mascara, and then lipstick. Or maybe you want to wear a full face of makeup and an entire outfit all at once, and maybe you want to do that while immediately going to the mall or the club, that's fine too!

What's important is that you find some step, big or small, that YOU are comfortable with. And if you're comfortable, if it makes sense, then take another step. And then another, and another, and so on until it stops making sense to take any more steps.

For me, it hasn't stopped making sense. I'm taking steps every day in every way and sometimes I'm hopscotching around several steps just because I'm having that much fun. I've never felt happier and more fulfilled and more overwhelmed with love and gratitude. This was the best thing I ever did for myself, and regardless of what my future holds I won't regret this time even in the slightest.

So, keep doing what you're doing. Keep asking questions. Keep reaching out. Keep taking steps that make sense for you. You're doing a wonderful job and I'm so very proud of you for being here with us now and having the courage to talk with us.

Most all, just remember, you are brave, you are brilliant, you are beautiful, you are kind, you are powerful, and you are loved. Thank you for being here with us. 💜