Sorry Sir, But Your Gigantic Dildo Will Not Fit There
Tags: Relationships, Satire, Sexuality, Adultery, Cheating

Sorry Sir, But Your Gigantic Dildo Will Not Fit There

And the other reasons why I’ll never fuck on a first date again.

Photo by Thomas Griggs on Unsplash

We had met on Ashley Madison and had been chatting for a while. I had been getting worked up, going back and forth by email needed a good fuck. My primary lover was too far away, and I was getting hot and horny, and we were not exclusive.

We arranged a sleepover date for our first date, which I soon regretted.

We had arranged to stay the night at a motel a little further away from home. I didn’t feel comfortable driving there, so we met at a local park-and-ride carpark and left my car there.

I was there earlier, and he arrived late, so he was chatting to me while he was on the way. At that point, I didn’t know what he looked like, but I knew that I liked his voice.

“I’m here! I can see you!” He gushed into the phone.

Holding my phone, I looked around, still listening to his voice as I saw him standing beside his truck. Hearing his voice and looking at him was a shock; the two did not match! I loved the voice, but the guy I saw in person was not what I was expecting.

He was well overweight and shorter, which accentuated his enormous belly. Holding the phone, I wanted the guy I was talking to!

I hung up, but it felt surreal. I hid my shock quickly, hugged him, put my overnight bag into his truck, and climbed up. We headed for the hotel, which was about 25 minutes away.

Thank goodness I had the time to adjust my shock and get to know him a bit because I had wanted to run.

He seemed like a nice guy, and I felt terrible for him. I was not attracted to him, and the entire journey, I was thinking of a friendly way to get out of the situation. I’m a kind person who doesn’t like to hurt feelings, so I went along with it.

We booked into the motel, and it was clean, which was what mattered. The room was comfortable with its single queen-sized bed.

Once settled in, he handed me a bag and was very excited to give me the gifts within. Surprised, I removed the tissue, and found a cute pink bunny-shaped vibrator whose ears formed a cock inside. The other was an absolutely huge rubber penis.

It wasn’t a vibrator, and he was really excited for me to have it. It was four sizes bigger than the bunny and four sizes wider. God help me, I was thinking, what am I going to do with this.

He sat in the chair and put the batteries into the bunny vibrator. I had brought us both a sandwich and some wine, so I laid them out. I hadn’t eaten supper and didn’t want to do naughty things on an empty tummy.

We chatted as we ate and drank and got on well. He was personable, quite smart, and didn’t miss a trick. The ice was broken, and I knew I couldn’t get away then. I told myself I would have fun with the vibrators, and the wine finally was kicking in too.

I started undressing as I sat on the bed.

Then out comes Mr. Big Dildo, god help me, so my date said, “scootch your pussy to the end of the bed!”.

He was standing there holding this terrifying dildo. He placed it on the outside of my pussy lips, but my pussy revolted. I tried to get away, so he pulled me back down by my leg as he was laughing. I think he thought that his colossal dildo was going to fit in through my pussy lips.

I remember thinking of an old joke; if my pussy were that big, it would whistle when I walked! Believe it or not, I have the tightest pussy; even after two children, each time I have sex, it’s like I’m a virgin all over again.

He tried pushing that dildo into my pussy again, harder, but each time I took flight along with my pussy, crawling away, only to be dragged back by my ankles.

My date finally got that this fantasy of his would not happen. He then climbed onto the bed and lay on his back. He had already stripped at this point. I grabbed his cock and gave him a good sucking and licking. He was now hard and went down and ate my pussy, which slowly came out of hiding and relaxed.

That felt so much better. Wet and dripping is how I like, and a man can’t go wrong, giving me a good lick with his tongue inside me. Moving up to my breasts and bit my nipple! As in bite, not nibble.

Then he started sucking around the skin of my breasts, and I worried. I didn’t want to go home to hubby with marks on my body because how could I explain a bruise on my breast or a hickey?

He then lay on his back. I could tell he was tired because he was wheezing a bit. I was thinking thoughts of him having a heart attack in bed. He wasn’t in the best of shape, and he had told me that it had been a long time since he had sex.

God, what a worry!

I sucked him some more as he was deflating, put on his condom, and jumped on top of him. Not surprisingly, his body was like a bouncy castle.

I guided his cock into my pussy and rode him as he wheezed, so I finished him as quickly as I could. Laying there, I took out my bunny vibrator and worked on myself until I had my orgasm, but it tired me. It was a lot of work pleasing him then pleasing me.

I was parched after that, so I poured us more wine and lay there chatting. He repaid me with hugs, which was nice.

I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself off with a quick shower. Feeling refreshed, I was drying off when I noticed a bruise on my boob. He had sucked my skin so hard he left a bruise.

How was I going to explain that to hubby? No use worrying about it now, was my thought.

We chatted for the rest of the evening. He was quite huggy, and I liked him, but I wasn’t attracted to him.

After chatting and cuddling, we settled down for the night. He fell asleep first, and as I lay there, all I could hear was his nose whistle and hooting sounds. He was a snorer, but not in the usual way. He kind of whistled as he was breathing in, then his mouth made a hoot on the breath coming out.

I had never in my life heard such an annoying snore. The worst part was that it went in a pattern. All night I lay awake listening to that sound. The night couldn’t go fast enough, and I don’t think I closed my eyes once.

When morning finally came, I was so happy, and I can’t even remember if we had morning sex. I was so tired, and I just wanted to go home.

As we were getting ready to leave, he was staring at me, I looked over, and he just said, “you are beautiful!” I was tired, but I remember him saying that because of those lovely words, and to hear them is always a treat at my age.

On the drive back to my car, we still chatted, picked up breakfast, and ate in the car before he dropped me off at my carpark.

He was a nice man, but that was the last time I went on a date with anyone before meeting them first. I loved his voice, but I wanted to turn and run when I set eyes on him.

I hate to be like that, but his was a sympathy fuck and nothing more. I kept the pink rabbit.