I started writing a suicide note 8 months ago to my dad. This is it.
Tags: Cancer, Trigger Warning, Depression, Memories, Suicide

I started writing a suicide note 8 months ago to my dad. This is it.

I was 13 at the time. No one knew that I was feeling this way. My step-brother had just died. My parents are split. My dad has HCL variant (a rare form of chronic blood cancer). I have one sister. I never finished it. I’m still depressed but no longer suicidal. I regularly self-harm.

I wrote about a lot of fond memories I have with him. A lot of them include Australian things (i am Australian). I didn't want to change the letter at all, I wanted it to be authentic. There are probably grammatical errors in this piece.

I never finished it. I'm not going to complete it as I don't feel like this anymore. There is no reason I'm putting it on the internet for everyone to see, I just feel like it.

I have never talked about these emotions or even this topic with anyone in my life ever. I don't see a therapist, my family thinks I'm the happiest teenager alive.

13/04/2020

Dad,

This is specifically for you and you only. Please don’t show anyone this. I want you to keep it to yourself and never forget about me.

If you’re reading this, I’m gone and I’m not coming back. There is so much behind why I would’ve done this and taken myself away from you. As I’m writing this I don’t know when or how I’m going to take my life but I know that’s how I will die. The reason I didn’t do this sooner was for you, Soph, Mum and everyone in my life who means something to me. I consider myself blessed with the opportunity to have strong relationships with the people closest to me. I know that in other situations when parents split they don’t speak to each other or one leaves or one gets full custody but I’m so grateful to have such a good dad. I was thinking about this last night. I don’t know when you’re reading this but last night was Easter Sunday and we watched taken with Soph. Afterwards, you put on the great escape and we started speaking about what different types of alcohols were made of. I felt so safe in the moment because I was so close to you and I could feel how much you loved me and it made me think about how lucky I am. You didn’t have to be in my life. You didn’t have to be such a good dad. You could’ve left us to mum. You could’ve started another family with someone else. You could’ve made someone I’m not comfortable around live with us but you didn’t. You didn’t have to go to every single football match, every netball game every basketball game. You didn’t have to walk to school with me on the first day of year 7 or on guitar ensemble mornings. You didn’t have to go kick to the footy with me. You didn’t have to do the jigsaws with me or play scrabble. You didn’t have to watch Seinfeld with me or any of those movies that I like and you don’t. You didn’t have to wait in the car with me until 8:30 almost every day of primary school. You didn’t have to let me have sleepovers and go to my friends' places. You didn’t have to take me to dinner at Grilled or Huxtaburger or Ribs and Burgers. You didn’t have to take me to Forster, Japan, Townsville, point Lonsdale or the city. You didn’t have to buy all those birthday presents and Christmas presents. You didn’t have to take me to the footy and the cricket. You didn’t have to go out with us and get lunch on Saturdays. You didn’t have to speak to me and be there for me. You didn’t have to do any of that but you did and I won't ever forget that. You might think it all goes unnoticed and you looked as if you were fine with that but I want you to know that I saw everything and I appreciate everything that you have done for me and soph and yourself. I need you to focus on yourself dad. I want you to live life being grateful and happy and experiencing as much as you can. You did all of that out of the goodness in your heart. I want you to know that you are the best person I know. Your heart is so full of love and goodness and it breaks my heart that ill never see you again. I'll never get to say I love you to you again and ill never hug you again. I’m going to say I love you more and hug you more in the hopes to leave this world with something you won't forget.

I want you to promise that when/if you go back in for treatment that you will fight it and give it everything you got. I want you to be so strong, stronger than me. I will be there with you every second of it. If I go up to god I want you to know that I will protect you and you can never give up. Please never ever give up dad. Everyone needs you down here on earth. I’m okay with going up to watch over everyone. I want you to read this when it all too much and you need to remember that I’m up there watching over you. You need to move on with life as fast as possible. If it helps you can forget about me for a while but promise you’ll come back to me and this letter. Can you please talk to me often and tell me about your day or tell me something you would tell me if I were with you. I promise you that I will listen every single time you talk to me. I’m always going to be there for you like you were there for me. They are the only two things that I ask from you.

You’re probably wondering why I did it. I need you to know that you were one of the few things that kept me from doing it sooner but it eventually got really hard for me to continue on this earth. I’ve felt this way for a while but the day it got real was the day that we found out about your cancer. Before that it was subtle and I was sad when I was alone and I would cry in my room but I never had any suicidal thoughts or self-harmed. That night that you told us it was the worst thing id ever heard. It broke my heart and it shattered me instantly. I couldn’t think straight it was the only thing on my mind but I didn’t want you to know that and I still don’t want you to know how much it affected me but I think I owe it to you to tell you everything since I was the one who killed your daughter.