NCAA Opens Investigation into Nick Saban’s Alleged Use of Black Magic
By: Ken Allard
Tags: Sports, Humor, College Football, Satire

The NCAA Committee on Infractions has opened an investigation into Nick Saban’s alleged use of ‘Black Magic’ during his tenure as head coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide. The investigation was officially commenced following the Tide’s College Football Playoff national championship victory Monday night over the Georgia Bulldogs.

Committee on Infractions Managing Director Joel McGormley stated that there “has been a clear trend” throughout Saban’s time as head coach which “points to a definitive misuse of supernatural forces” to alter the outcome of college football games involving the Crimson Tide.

“We’re not quite sure how Mr. Saban does it,” stated McGormley. “But we’re going to look into this because whatever that man does in the locker room away from public scrutiny must be illegal.”

When pressed by reporters for more credible evidence of misdoings, McGormley expressed that Saban likely gives up possession of having a reliable, consistent field goal kicker in order to leverage other, more potent supernatural forces in his favor.

“How can an all-time great coach like Saban have such a piss-poor track record of placekickers,” said McGormley. “Yet, when it comes down to it, they pull that shit out of nowhere,” referencing the game-winning touchdown pass by true freshman quarterback Tua Tagovailoa in overtime against the Bulldogs.

Tagovailoa is the second true freshman quarterback to win a national championship.

NCAA Bylaw 17.3.15 states that “any and all use of supernatural forces during the season, off-season, and recruiting period” is banned. This includes blood libations and the use of sacrificial animals to potentially please the Gods of football — a tactic infamously used by the Knute Rocke-led Notre Dame squads during college football’s infancy.

“Of course, not all of this alleged Black Magic was on Saban’s part,” said Ken Kleppel, associate director for the Committee on Infractions. “The state of Georgia likely has some negative supernatural forces working against them, as well. We’re going to have to find an accurate measurement in regards to Georgia’s misfortune.”

“I’d honestly think about relocating Athens to a different state,” added Kleppel.

In the investigation brief released by the Committee, they cited potential collaboration between Nick Saban and New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick. The brief noted eerie similarities between the two coaches who have managed to pull off more wins by way of complete insanity than any coaches in modern history.

“Opposing teams just seem to implode mentally,” said Kleppel. “It makes zero sense.”

The NCAA has asked Roger Goodell to subpoena Belichick’s phone and witchcraft records to aid in the investigation.

The Bulldogs had a 13–0 halftime lead, and gave up 20 second-half points before a missed kick at the end of regulation by Alabama gave Georgia a second chance.

After a sack on first down forced Alabama out of field goal range to start their overtime series, Tagovailoa launched a pass deep to receiver Devonta Smith to win the game.

In wake of the game, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline has stated that they will be fully staffed all throughout January and the early part of February, keeping a close eye on the impending heartbreak by Georgia’s NFL team, the Atlanta Falcons.

The Crimson Tide have thirty days to respond to the Committee’s allegations.