Dear New Mama: Forget About Being Perfect and Just Be Present
By: Love, Other Nugs
Tags: Advice, Self-awareness, Parenting, Motherhood, Baby

With your first, you’re focused on doing everything “by the book” because you’re terrified of screwing up. By the time you have a second, you realize there are some things that just aren’t worth worrying about.

After five whole weeks of keeping my second baby alive, here are the five things I’m doing differently this time around:

#1 Not trying to bounce back right away

When you’re pregnant, it feels like it’s socially acceptable to be fat. At family gatherings, my relatives would constantly pile food on my plate because “the baby needs to eat,” and I would happily oblige. And then after I gave birth, it was like everyone instantly forgot that I just had a baby and saw me as just plain fat. I remember the day after coming home from the hospital with my first-born, my mother took one look at me and then whispered (loudly) to my father, “wow, I don’t think I was ever THAT big.”

This second time around, I’m not caring so much about what other people think. My body went through nine months of growing another person, and it deserves respect. After my first postpartum experience, I know that with overall healthy eating, some exercise, and the calorie-burning boost of breastfeeding, my body will eventually shed the extra weight. Will it ever look the way it did pre-babies? Probably not. But that’s okay. I kind of like my left-over belly pooch; it serves as a reminder of what my body went through to bring new life into the world.

#2 Not being as strict about breastfeeding

You always hear “breast is best” when it comes to feeding a newborn. Even the hospital where I delivered is such a strong proponent of breastfeeding that they don’t offer bottles or formula to new mothers. With my first, I wanted to be the “perfect” mom and exclusively nurse which to me meant avoiding the bottle for as long as possible. This back-fired because my first-born never took to a bottle, and now I’m convinced it’s because I tried to introduce it too late.

This time, I’m still breastfeeding, but I’m also supplementing with formula. And I don’t feel bad about it at all. Sometimes my poor nipples need a break, and I’ve found that I can still keep my milk supply up by pumping whenever my baby gets fed a bottle. A huge benefit is that I get a break while someone else feeds her. I’ve realized that I don’t have to do it all by myself. It’s more than okay to ask for and receive help. You have nothing to prove to anyone.

#3 Not panicking every time the baby cries

“Crying ain’t dying.” That’s the tidbit of advice that a coworker once shared with me. With my first child, I ignored that advice and would go into full-on panic mode whenever my daughter started to cry. Especially if there was company over, I would feel embarrassed because I thought I was failing as a mother if I couldn’t calm my own child right away. Looking back, that was such a silly way of thinking. Babies cry. It’s what they do. This time, I’m keeping calm and collected when I respond to my baby’s banshee wails.

#4 Not being okay with a crappy sleeping arrangement

With my first, I slept in the nursery beside the crib… on an air mattress. We had just moved into a new home, so we hadn’t set up an actual bed for me yet. And after the baby came, buying and setting up more furniture just didn’t seem like a top priority with so many other things going on. So, I told my husband that the air mattress was fine. I later discovered that sleeping on an air mattress for a long period of time was not fine. And one night, the air mattress popped and slowly deflated underneath me. I ended up sleeping on the floor beside my daughter’s crib. It was the worst. I barely slept, and I woke up feeling sore all over.

This time, I claimed the master bedroom which I converted into a nursery. And I made sure to get a bassinet to place beside my bed. It’s made the marathon nighttime nursing sessions so much easier. I wish I could go back and tell myself to stop being so self-sacrificing and make getting as much quality sleep as possible a priority.

#5 Not taking the little moments for granted

When it comes to children, time is both your enemy and your friend. On the one hand, you want your baby to grow older so that taking care of them becomes easier. On the other hand, you wish time would stand still because your baby is growing up way too fast.

My best piece of advice for you is to be present and live in the moment. You quickly forget how a newborn’s grunt sounds and that new baby smell. When it feels like you’re just trying to survive each day, it’s easy to forget to enjoy the experience of being a new parent.

My old boss once told me that he would give anything to go back to when his daughters were babies, and he could cradle them with one arm. I get that now. Even when things get tough, and I haven’t slept or been able to poop in peace, I simply remind myself that there are others who would give anything to swap places with me.

So today, I will hold my baby a little longer and hug her a little tighter. And I will try to slow down time by savoring each and every waking minute with her.

And I hope you’ll do the same.