Eat! Drink! Be gluttonous!
By: Roxy Bitere
Tags: Health, Body Positive

The rollercoaster that is loving my body and eating whatever the fuck I want.

A huge obstacle that I found while on the road towards total self love, was body love. More times than not I didn’t find my body attractive unless I was looking at old pictures where I was 20 pounds lighter. My jawline more defined, my tummy tighter, and my arms thin. I write that in the past tense, however, I want you to know that I still have these moments where I am completely sadden by the skin I am in.

I think of the jean imprints on thighs after I peel them off after work. I think of how heavy my stomach bloat makes me look in dresses I once wore with ease.

I think about not eating for only a few days so I can shed off the excess pounds. Just a few days of discomfort and you’ll fit into your favorite pants again. Well, and headaches. And remember, you get nauseous when you get headaches. Also don’t think you’re going to be getting a lot done when you feel like crap. This conversation happens in my head every other week or so. I try reign myself back with ‘You’re beautiful and sexy you idiot wtf are you blind?’ and ‘If ANYONE thinks of you as less than gorgeous they’re actual fuckwats.’ Lmao honestly, I’m so good to myself. I appreciate me.

It’s really fucked how much I hold value to my weight even though I am so openly and blatantly against doing that. It has some hold — I’m not quite sure how to explain it. And I know there are outrageous beauty standards that are outright bullshit. However I still, when in my lowest moments, use those standards as comparisons. I compare myself to what ‘society’ considers beautiful knowing good and well that I will be miserable doing so. Is it years of internalized self loathing because I have not met those standards? Perhaps. All I know is that it’s very harmful.

I recently gained 10 pounds in the last few months. I noticed when these pants I wore alllllll the time just one day wouldn’t button at all. I looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was rounder, my upper arms wider and my tummy pooch grew more into a pouch. My heart sank. I just gained 15 pounds last year! How could this be happening again? I was upset and sad about my body. Think about how fucked up that is for a moment. I was upset and sad with the only thing that has never given up on me.The thing that has literally been around forever for me. The thing that is mine and mine alone. My body is not only my ultimate protector, she’s comfort place. She’s my home.

Whatever I have internalized either consciously or subconsciously, growing up or now has really warped my views about myself. It is these negative and harmful views that I’m trying to breakdown and throw away. The support of friends and family and partners is of course so important. Don’t stop complimenting people! A small compliment, a positive word here will really make someone’s day. Whether they are dealing with a recent weight gain or they have body dysmorphia.

Also, I really really love food? I shouldn’t be ashamed of wanting to eat and enjoying what I eat. Food to me is so many different things. It can be an experience, a place of comfort, and just down right that one thing you’ve been craving all day. Food is such an important part of my life, so why would I try to rid myself of it?

I’ve been trying to work through my feelings about my recent weight gain. I give myself words of validation and affirmation daily. From ‘You’re a fine ass bitch with some nice tits.’ to ‘You’re seriously so funny and genuinely nice like are you kidding me?’ Validating other aspects that I like about myself is very helpful and really makes me feel good. However, validating and accepting and loving parts that I don’t like about myself is even better. That’s the hardest part — looking in a mirror at your imperfections and telling yourself that they’re an important of you, which is perfect.

It’s really a battle with yourself when it shouldn’t be. So screw those standards that make me feel small. Screw them making me feel like I’m on the outside looking in. That I’m detached from something that I should be so close to. I’m going to eat whatever I want and when I want because I deserve it. And I’m going to look good as hell doing it. :-*