13 Absolutely Hilarious Things People Have Actually Said While Having Sex
By: Christopher Kokoski
Tags: Relationships, Humor, Funny, Sexuality, Sex

1. He whispered “tubular” in my ear

A Reddit user named Xaantara shared this “tubular” story:

He waited until I just started to orgasm and whispered “tubular” in my ear and I just started laughing and it sort of ruined the moment. He said he just wanted to see what my reaction would be. Weirdo.

I’m guessing that’s not the reaction he expected.

Then again, I’m not sure what reaction he expected. Maybe he thought she would sling back some related surfer lingo, give him a high five, and finish?

2. When your sex partner suddenly turns Italian

An anonymous person on Tickld.com shared this next story:

I was in bed with my then girlfriend. I’d had a long day, and was pretty tired. But she was down to clown, and I’m not one to say no to a clowning. She’s on top trying to come to a natural conclusion, but the bed was just so damn comfortable. I was dirty talking her. Halfway through a sentence I sort of slipped into that pre-sleep dream state and said “you like it when I cook your pasta, don’t you?” She laughed it off and I woke up enough to finish, but she loved saying that during that act til we broke up a couple years later.

Yeah, you like that don’t you, my dirty little linguini. Who’s your paprika?

Sadly, I could go on like this all day (that’s what she said).

Before we move on to the next funny thing someone blurted out during sex, I feel obliged to offer this PSA: please never refer to sex as “down to clown.”

Unless you are actually clowns. Then, carry on. I don’t judge.

3. Is there a cartographer in the house?

Reddit never fails to please. Here’s a comment on another similar Reddit thread by a user named mizzlol:

I have a tattoo of the world on my back. This guy was f*cking me doggy style and pulled out to come on my back. He then exclaimed, “Woah, there’s a tsunami in Australia!” I fell on my face laughing so hard.

Are we talking like a full-color map with all the little details?

Honestly, I’m just impressed the guy knows his geography. Can I get a “Woot Woot” for his high school social studies teacher?

4. You can’t forget the crows

This one’s from user, dogwitablog, on Humansoftumblr.com:

My boyfriend’s brain goes into this weird hyperfocus mode as soon as he comes so I’ll be laying on him catching my breath hoping to continue the fun, and he’ll blurt out something like “I ordered some things to put in my yard to attract crows, I hope they like them. I’ve done a lot of research on attracting and befriending crows. But I wonder if they’d prefer something more like a game, or some kind of water feature?”

I mean, you can’t forget about the crows.

I can actually relate to his hyperfocused brain. My mind does something similar all the time in non-sexual settings, although I’ve never spouted out anything about crows or pasta.

Guess I need to up my game! 😁

5. Answer, me, dammit!

Not to be outdone, a user named pantyscrambler shared this fun little story on Esquire.com:

‘She slapped my ass and said “who’s pussy is this?” It was our first time and I wasn’t sure if it was hers or mine, so I ignored her. She did it again but this time she pinched my nipples and screamed “Answer me!!!” Having a 50/50 chance I said it was my pussy. Afterwards she says that’s right, it’s your pussy. Don’t forget it. 7 years later, it’s STILL my pussy, lol.’

I died laughing at, “I wasn’t sure if it was hers or mine.”

Seven years is an admirable long-term success. Maybe we should all be yelling vague questions at each other in bed.

6. A gold nugget of dirty talk

Sometimes it’s not what we say, it’s how we say it. Take this almost weatherman-like wording from SwimmingInALake:

I was on top and he was trying to do some kind of circular motion with his hips and he chose to inquire about the results with the following gold nugget of dirty talk: “You like that? Do you like the rotation on your inside walls?” To this day, I still can’t fathom why he chose that particular phrasing, of all things.

I can’t breeeeeathe.

Sometimes we just need to go uber specific to get that good weather forecast feedback.

I feel like this was a missed opportunity. She should have looked at him with a poker face and said, “Request for increased rotation at a 45-degree angle against the left-facing inside wall.”

A few air-traffic control hand gestures would be a nice touch.

7. Not Dwayne Johnson

Then there are just the straight-up strange things people say that just don’t make any sense. Poor Amanda from Thrillest recalls this experience from college:

“In college, a one-night stand said, ‘I’m f*cking you like a stone, like a rock. Tell me I’m your favorite rock!’”

College is weird.

Seriously though, I bet he was an archeology major.

8. Who’s your lion king?

I’m all for quoting movies, but sometimes the language is lost in translation. In this case, I don’t know what happened:

My ex once whispered, ‘I killed Mufasa’ right in my ear. It wasn’t even an impression of Scar. Not that that would have made it any better.

I don’t know. I think she’s underestimating the power of a really good impression.

To fake-quote Ryan George, one of my favorite comedy YouTubers, “Whispering bad impressions of Disney villains during sexy time is tight.”

Case in point with this freebie from LesserMatryoshka on Ruinmyweek.com:

It’s really sexy how you can do all these different voices, but it also reminds me of a ride at Disneyland.

9. How to know if he is into roleplay

I get it. Sometimes you want to liven things up a bit between the sheets. No shame in your game. She asks you to try role-playing and, being the good boyfriend that you are, you agree.

Then this happens:

Me: “Say my name” Her: “Carlooooss” Me: Shake my head, “No… it’s a me, Mario!” Her: Get… the f*ck… Off.

I mean, she said “roleplaying.” I don’t know what more she wants.

10. Scooby snacks

There are times when the moment is just right and your partner looks over at you lovingly. You know he is about to say something sweet or dirty — or, hell, at this point you’d settle for normal.

Instead, you get this memory frozen in your head for a lifetime:

He rolled over onto his stomach like he wanted me to dry hump him and sensually whispered, “Tell me what your favorite food snacks are.” I paused for nearly 10 seconds trying to figure out what to do.

I’ll tell you what you do, Karen. You share your favorite food snacks. That’s what you do.

Seriously, though, what are they?

11. Your mom did always tell you to be friendly

Laughing is good, but not because you just said something absolutely ridiculous about someone’s private parts.

Enter Vulpine-Poltergeist with his amazing story:

I was the mood killer, only because she was laughing so hard. It was both of our first times and I was very nervous (but wanting to “do the deed”), I grew up in a very weird household so it was my first time seeing a vagina before. You guys wanna know what I said? Nervous-horny me being a dumbass? I told her, “It looks friendly”. I haven’t lived it down.

Imagine ever trying to be serious again. Not gonna happen.

From that point on, I bet all arguments were instantly ended (and won) by her saying, “That sure is big talk for someone who said my vagina looks friendly.”

I’d have to break up, change my name, and move to another country where I would never utter the word “friendly” again.

12. Who let the dogs out?

People make many different kinds of sounds during sex. Some low and sexy. Some loud and animalistic (or animal-like).

Then there is this whole other group of people who take animal noises to an unusual degree of realism:

Aggromemnon:

A young lady once barked during sex. Not a playful joking bark, but a creepy, grunting growly bark, like a dog tearing up a toy. Weird.

Shatterly:

I had a guy meow at my p*ssy while going down on me. Twice. He didn’t say anything else. I wondered if I needed to explain to him that it wasn’t an actual cat.

I wonder what would happen if those two got together?

13. A first class delivery

I’ve said some silly things when half-asleep, but I don’t think I’ve ever referenced the mail. Katie H. from Yelp probably wishes she could say the same thing about her sleepy mid-coitus pronouncements:

I actually did doze off for a second and when I snapped back to I yelled “post office!” I have no idea why.

Apparently, yelling the first thing you think about when snapping back from a micro-nap isn’t the best idea. Who knew?