Curiosity Can Exhibit Unconscious Bias
By: S. K. Gupta
Tags: Implicit Bias, Diversity And Inclusion, Unconscious Bias, Diversity, Immigrant Stories

“Where Are You From?”

by

S. K. Gupta

I knew that something was wrong when my bride — of 44 years! — entered the house. Everything was a little louder than normal. The banging of the doors. The dropping of the keys. The tossing of the handbag. The closing of the drawers. Lessons have been learned! After 44 years, one knows the signals. So, I quietly disappeared to my home office.

After giving her sufficient time to cool down, I found her chopping vegetables in the kitchen. Very therapeutic! I asked her “How was golf?”. And the floodgates of her frustrations opened up!

“I have lived here for 40 years, and I will never be accepted here!”

“What happened?”, I asked.

A fourth golfer had joined their regular threesome that day. A Caucasian woman. After playing a few holes, she asked my wife, “Where are you from?”

My wife knew what she was asking. Her other two friends are also Indian Americans and look it. But my wife doesn’t have the obvious Indian American look. She also adapts easily and doesn’t have a pronounced accent. Like I do. And her friends.

So, I suspect, the new golfer was curious. Not realizing that this is a perfect example of “Unconscious bias”!

My wife replied, “Orinda.” That’s where our home is, and they were playing in another nearby Bay Area city.

Her new “friend”, said, “No, no, what nationality are you?”

Now I realized my bride’s frustration. After 40 years of living in the US, 33 years as a citizen, to be asked her nationality was not something she was going to digest easily.

So, she replied, “I am American, where are you from?”

The new friend said, “Oh, I was born and brought up here.” Implicit in her answer was that she was an American. She didn’t need to say that. And yet, she had the audacity to ask someone else their nationality!

“Where are you originally from,” she continued at the next hole. Some people don’t learn very easily! She definitely didn’t want to quit this line of dialogue!

“I was born in India,” my bride replied, and added, “where did your ancestors come from?” And so, it continued!

I could relate to her frustrations as I have lived them too. For over forty years!

I have often been told “You speak English well!” Surprised? Why? Just because I don’t look like a white person? There are fifty four countries where English is an official language. From U. K. to Uganda and from Ireland to India. And most of these countries’ inhabitants are non-whites! About 1.5 Billion people speak English on this Earth and less than 250 million live in the U.S. My wife, who is quarter British, has taught English in three different states in the U.S.! So, please realize that trying to compliment us on our language skills, only demonstrates one’s ignorance!

I love telling folks that I didn’t have an accent till I came to this country!

It has been a while since someone asked me “Do you go back home often?” I loved telling them: “I go home every night!” I knew what they meant, but the question demonstrates their stereotypical mind set. If we don’t look like them, we must be from some other country!

Folks don’t realize that questions like these are implicit bias, also referred to as unconscious bias. Some may even call them micro-aggressions! Our kids who were born and brought up here are still asked similar questions. For me, I get it. I look very Indian, and still have a very pronounced Indian accent. But not our kids. Graduates of excellent universities and very successful in their professional careers, they still get asked, “Where are you from?”

We have a couple in our neighborhood that we are getting to know. He was born in Belgium and grew up speaking Dutch and French. Has an accent when he speaks English. She was born in California of Vietnamese immigrant parents and has no accent. Their kids look very Caucasian. She told us that she is often asked if she is the nanny of her own kids!

Another couple in our neighborhood had to put out a Public Service Announcement, requesting not to ask her kids, if they lived here. Why would people ask them that, you ask? Because they are the one of the few African Americans in this upscale community.

What folks don’t realize is that such questions make us feel less than a “full” American citizen.

Some of our Indian American friends have lived here for much longer than us and many were born and brought up here. And yet. In the past few years the call to “Go back to your country” has been galling for all of us! We conveniently forget that nearly all of us are immigrants or descendants of immigrants. Okay, maybe not the Indigenous Americans, but there is a distinct possibility that they too originally came from somewhere else, no?

“Where are you from?” implies that you are obviously not from “here.” So, how does one satisfy one’s curiosity? Over the years, I have used, “What’s your heritage?” to ask the same question. More often than not, I learn much more about the individual and his/her family, than I would have otherwise.

Over the past 30–40 years, many organizations have developed training to broaden everyone’s mind, experience, attitude. Anti-Bias training. It teaches us how to be more tolerant of other races, gender, sexual preference etc. I even attended a training in the hills of Kentucky called “White Men As Full Diversity Partners.” They assigned us to three groups: White Men, White Women and “People of Color”! They meant well, but they learned quickly that the third group did not like being referred to as “People of Color”! The term was too close to “Colored People!” The training wasn’t perfect but it got us all talking. We all walked away with a better appreciation of each other’s views. Honest dialogue that improved trust between colleagues.

Biases can be subtle and sometimes unconscious. At other times, they can also demonstrate a sense of power. My favorite story is when Hewlett Packard and Compaq merged in 2001. At the merger announcement, Carly Fiorina, the Chairman and CEO of HP stepped up to Michael Capellas, the Chairman and CEO of Compaq, and straightened his tie. A subtle and, maybe, an unconscious act. However, it sent a message as to who was in-charge. Michael became the President of the joint company but left within six months.

There are many large Corporations like Johnson & Johnson, Starbucks etc. who have tied their executives compensation to — among other things — anti-bias training. However what about the folks who have never had the advantage of anti-bias or even diversity and inclusion training? My plea to them is to just be a little more sensitive.

So, ask me about my favorite movie, my restaurant of choice, the dram of single malt I had last night. Talk to me about your kids, my grandkids. Let’s discuss the weather, the commute traffic. The World Series. The next Super Bowl — or even the last one!

But please. Don’t ask “Where are you from?”

___________________________________________________________________S. K. Gupta is a former senior executive of a Fortune 50 company and Founder of Asian Corporate Directors network, Ascend Pinnacle. He enjoys researching and writing about the not-so-obvious things in life. sk.gupta.us at gmail dot com