Why We Have It Backwards About Trust
By: Annie Tanasugarn
Tags: Self Improvement, Growth, Relationships, Life, Self Love

Building Self Trust

As with any skill, building self-trust takes practice, and it takes time. We can’t take a non-defensive stance in trusting someone or commit to complete understanding and transparency with anyone in our lives until we’ve mastered these skills with ourselves.

Toss Out The Self-Blame. The thing is, there are going to be people in our lives that we made a mistake in letting in and who wound up hurting us. It’s really easy to sit back and point fingers at ourselves, but what does this accomplish?

Flip the script — if you trusted someone with your heart and they abused your trust, then that means they are struggling with their own trust issues and they fell back into their own self-preservation mode. Maybe they’ll figure it out, maybe not. But that’s on them, not you. There’s no need to hold on to their trust issues as your own.

Recognize The Cycles. The only way we can recognize if a cycle is in play, is based on how many times it’s played out before. There’s a saying in Behavior Analysis: …”Once is a behavior; two or more times, it’s a habit.” If you’ve taken a chance at trusting someone who broke your trust once, then your best bet is to take the necessary time off to figure out why you trusted them, and where your trust skills need tightening, so you can minimize collateral damage moving forward.

If you’re like most, you may have experienced having your trust betrayed a few times before you saw a cycle. If so, toss out the self-blame and focus on noticing the patterns so you can fine-tune your expectations for when (or whether) you’ll give your trust.

Maintain Boundaries. Or, if your boundaries are lacking, then now’s a good time to establish some. This may mean becoming more selective on who you give your time or energy to, or in being OK with saying no. This may mean developing a strict self-care routine that includes time for journaling, creating healthy space for yourself, or in becoming more aware of your thoughts, your needs, and your feelings as you’re having them.

Calm The Inner Critic. Our inner critic can be our worst enemy because not only does it know us, it knows our weak spots. Training our inner critic to change its tune is tough and it usually requires a lot of practice. However, it can be done through consistency. Each time your inner critic lashes out at you, silence it. Try having a script of positive affirmations where each time your inner critic fires up, you redirect it. This helps in creating a sense of control and empowerment for yourself— which helps in continuing to build self-trust.

Once Bitten, Twice Shy. One of the biggest problems with trusting ourselves and others is when our heart gets in the way because we lose objectivity and start thinking with our emotions. We may love the person who betrayed us; but the situation may be toxic to us. If someone betrayed our trust or broke our heart, it’s natural to be cautious and in self-preservation mode around them.

While no one can tell you whether or not to trust someone again after a major betrayal of trust has occurred, honoring ourselves and giving ourselves necessary space is important in helping us recognize whether or not we should welcome that back into our lives.