How I Earned $96,000 By Being Remarkably Average
By: Reuben Salsa
Tags: Lifestyle, Salsa, The Bad Influence, Satire, Humor

STEP 1

Give in. Accept everything at face value. Never, ever, question too deeply. You need to trust everything that people will say. A fool and his money are soon parted should be the motto you choose to live your new life of irresponsible irresponsibility.

STEP 2

While you’re busy not questioning anyone, don’t ever, ever, question authority. If they’re wearing a high-vis vest, trust them. If they carry a lanyard or a clipboard and pen, trust them. If they speak as if they know what they’re doing, trust them. Questioning the powers that be leads to trouble and can often lead to being put in charge. You don’t want this. You want average, non-threatening, easy-to-dismiss plank status.

STEP 3

Dump that desire to learn. Head to college because everybody does. Don’t even bother choosing a subject, it doesn’t matter. When you aim for average, you don’t need to make any life-changing decisions, you simply go with the flow. Choose college because that’s what people do.

STEP 4

Travel. You’d be surprised how average travel is. Don’t go anywhere exotic. It helps to choose a safe destination where everybody speaks English. Go to England. Or Canada. Don’t be daring. Don’t stay too long.

STEP 5

And while you’re overseas, learn the language. And when I say ‘learn a language’, I mean, don’t bother. Spanish and Chinese may be on the rise but every average Joe knows that English is the language of commerce. Eventually, all those stupid foreigners have to learn English. Even in India, English is the common language.

STEP 6

A vital step in becoming average and earning a small fortune. Think about starting your own business, but never do. Linkedin is the perfect platform for wannabe-entrepreneurs. Nobody starts anything but they all appear successful in doing absolutely nothing. You too only need to think about starting to call yourself an entrepreneur.

STEP 7

Once you’ve thought about starting your business, the next logical step is to think about writing your own book. Dreams are powerful my friend, and it costs nothing to dream and talk the talk. One day is the faraway land when the rich and successfully average like yourself all live.

STEP 8

It’s important to be weighed down in order for you to never achieve those lofty dreams. The best way to do this is by getting a 30-year mortgage. Make sure you utilize ALL 30 years to reach the nirvana level of average.

STEP 9

Productivity is in the eye of the beholder. And behold, your 40 hours sitting at a desk can optimistically lead to 10 hours of productivity. Is there any better way to grind down your existence into the perfectly average specimen you’re destined to become?

STEP 10

Remember to never, ever, stand out. Don’t wear loud clothing. Don’t raise your hand. Don’t, for the love of commerce, ever volunteer. Try to blend with your cubicle surroundings. Learn how to sit still for hours tapping at a keyboard without actually working. Don’t let leadership define you, be the unique leader who leads by doing nothing. He who succeeds only ventures far, and who wants to go far when there’s a special on Netflix?

STEP 11

Jump, but only look and never leap. Perfect the art of spot-jumping without looking. Be a hoop jumper. Follow orders. Check off the boxes that need to be checked. This is life 101 and how to live it.