What makes one mature?
By: Floris Koot
Tags: Philosophy, Floris Koot, Education, Psychology, Maturity

Am I mature? Portrait by great photographer Becky Rui at Happy Start Up Summer Camp 2019

What makes one mature?

Trying to answer a personal question from a friend.

Suddenly a young friend from Iran sends me this question out of the blue, on facebook: “How did you learn to be mature, or act as a mature person?” I wonder about this question. Why me? She is a very happy playful person and so am I. We’ve met only a few times, and always play was involved, like through Switchball, a sports I invented with a friend. So why me? And what is maturity anyway?

So, if I’m mature, what makes me so?

Let’s answer this from a playful scope, because that I feel is our connection. I’m much older, but have kept my playful side alive. How does that make me mature? And no, being playful does not mean immature or silly.

First of all, I think, time helps to become mature naturally, if you just pay a little attention. We’re, at the least, like rocks in a sea or desert; storms will happen and shape us over time. And thus it helps, each time when friction happens, to just observe and reflect on how you react towards it. Then, even subconsciously, learning will happen. But to stay playful at every age we have to add a layer.

Seemingly strong people have strong reactions. “Never ever someone will hurt me like this, even again!” And then their strategy is all about avoiding, defending, preparing. It seems strong, but to me it feels poor if your life is aimed at that one thing. It reminds me of spoiled kids, who will defend their conviction or entitlement to a tee. So you lost a love, got stolen from, made a mistake. It hurts. Yet to live you have to try again, ready to be hurt again. And I don’t mean being naive. Having failed a 1001 times on stage, I learned I don’t die from it. I tried and tried again. Now I am quite fearless on stage.

A poem made famous by a very mature man: Nelson Mandela.

There’s this thing that I wonder about. Some get shouted at on the street once and from then on, always fear leaving the house. Others suffer years of racism, poverty, prison and still keep their dignity and humanity alive. I have a dear friend, who has suffered a lot of violence in her youth. Rather than being bitter, she’s amazingly willing to learn, overcome and even heal others as a therapist. Maturity therefore means taking the lesson, and use it to shape yourself, rather than be shaped by the experience, as a victim. Which makes me think of the movie Invictus about Nelson Mandela. Now there’s maturity of a next level.

I had the luck I could keep playing. At Christmas I even rather join my nephews and nieces in play, then join the adult conversations. As long as they enjoy me as participant in their games, I think, I have kept an inner flexibility. I strongly believe, people who are playful, are more open. They take more in, and are more willing to be shaped by it. They are more willing to try again, being forgiving. Being playful, I interact, and are more willing to try out new ideas, more open to listen, less defensive. What is there to defend, really?

What is there to defend?

What is truly there can’t be defended, only be experienced.

Take Donald Trump, an example most of us know. The more he defends his ‘genius’, the more most of us think ‘what a clown’. We have no control what others think of us. I have no control over how you react to this text. I’m already happy you made it to here. ;) That last sentence just popped up and I’m willing to give it a try, rather than control every aspect of this text. The idea that some might think, ‘ha, smart manipulation’, fills me with a little sadness. I don’t try to control everything. Hence I can be playful.

So, I think mature people stay open, are willing to listen to criticism, will consider other peoples opinion (that doesn’t mean having no strong opinions). During my recent adventures as social media commenter on Youtube I too have behaved spoiled, opinionated and silly. I wondered how it worked and what it might lead to, so I gave it a try. All I can say is that I observed my behavior and I was amazed how easily I fell in all the traps. This let me to write four different blogposts; one one social media commenting, one on politics beyond left and right, and one on how modern journalism is warped by default. So the maturity in this is certainly not my online behavior, but my willingness to observe it, learn from it and use it.

In everything we do are big questions hidden and lessons available. If you dare play with that, many wonders will happen.

Floris

*) Thank you Emy, for asking this question.