17 Awful Sex Tips Recommended by Cosmo
By: Ms. Part Time Wino
Tags: Humor, Advice, Dating Advice, Sex, Sexuality

How to get a yeast infection and go to the hospital at the same time

Photo from Cosmo

1. Drizzle honey between your legs

Yeast infection, here I come! I mean cum!

2. Give a virtual blow job on Facetime

When I first read this, I literally had no idea what this meant. How in the world does one give a “virtual blow job”? As it turns out, you simply pretend to suck a phallic object on camera (in this case, a stainless steel vibrator which is horrifying in its own right). Maybe I’m dating myself, but what happened to good old fashioned video chat sex?

3. Press a fork into his buttcheeks, pecs, and thighs

Is this so you can eat him? Murder him? Give him a light prickly massage? Who the fuck knows!

4. Place cookies on your boobs

Which Cosmo editor did Cookie Monster have to fuck to get this sex tip published? The “cookie boob” sex position is just one of the tips they have in this strange article completely dedicated to eating cookies while having sex.

5. Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple

Okay Cosmo, we get it. You love mixing food with sex.

6. Use your hips to spell “coconut” when on top

Are people still trying to enter spelling bees with their vag?

7. Find yourself a slutty-looking yoga ball

Damnit, all my yoga balls are just too prude to participate in any steamy action. Does anyone know where I can get a slutty-looking one?

8. Sit on the edge of the washing machine and wrap your legs around his waist as he enters you.

Listen, I’m all about banging on different pieces of furniture, but I’m not sure what sitting on a washing machine is suppose to accomplish. Your clit isn’t anywhere near the machine! However, I suppose it’s great for a deep tissue butt massage…

9. Tickle his feet with your nipples

This sounds like a guaranteed way to get roundhouse kicked in the boobs.

10. Pop his socks in the microwave for twenty seconds, then slip them on him. It will make him burn with pleasure.

“Oh honey, I know you’re about to orgasm, but I have a great idea. Let me just microwave your socks, and then you can wear hot socks for absolutely no goddamn reason.”

11. Ask him to trace his tongue over the skin behind your ear

Uh, why?

12. Rotate from girl-on-top position into reverse-cowgirl

Okay, I’ll admit I’m intrigued. If you can pull off spinning around his dick like a basketball while not kicking him in the nuts and still look sexy— then bravo, girlfriend!

13. Nestle his dick in your armpit

Because you’re other three holes are sooooooo boring!

14. Squeeze his penis like bending a hose in half to stop him from ejaculating

You don’t have to have a penis to know this is an awful idea. Please, for the love of God, do not try to bend his dick like a water hose to stop him from having an orgasm.

15. Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball

I think we can all agree that not a single person who works at Cosmo has ever seen a penis.

16. Have someone hide in the closet but don’t tell your partner.

But not just any person! Cosmo recommends putting your poor, unwilling close friend who came to visit you into the closet to listen to you have sex. And don’t even get me started on the problems about hiding it from your partner.

17. Heat up some massage oil, and put it into a turkey baster

It doesn’t matter that the turkey baster isn’t actually penetrating anyone. There’s no way bringing that monstrosity into the bedroom will ever be considered sexy.