I’m the Haunting Music in the Dark Scandinavian Show You’re Watching on Netflix
By: Brian Abbey
Tags: TV Series, Humor, Music, Netflix, Culture

I’m the Haunting Music in the Dark Scandinavian Show You’re Watching on Netflix

And I make you really horny.

Image by Republica from Pixabay

Oh, my god! You love me! You get goosebumps every time you hear that first piano note in the opening credits. You have the option to skip the intro, but you never do. You want to hear me wind my way to the moody point in the story where a traditional detective show has a climax. But, we don’t have those. So, you keep watching, keep listening, keep telling yourself you’re here for the writing.

Throughout the series, I bring the darkness differently depending on who’s on-screen. Detective Henrik Bjornson is a stoic man who feels guilty about the death of his wife and daughter prior to season one. I highlight his despair with a cheerless EDM score — distorted Super Mario sound effects played over the rumbling of an oak barrel full of broken He-Man action figures rolled across a cobblestone street. We add a kick drum to propel things further into hopelessness as Henrik drinks from the bottle of vodka he keeps under his car seat while you wonder whether you can fix a broken man with your tongue.

Henrik’s partner, Detective Eryka Nilsson, was an orphan and bounced around foster care in her youth. She has major trust issues. We went all out for her soundtrack, bringing in the legendary Hans Zimmer and locking him in a custodial closet for 39 hours after surreptitiously slipping him two hits of acid.

I turned out amazing! I begin with a metallic noise, like someone banging on a metal trash can and kicking against a heavy, locked door. The composition crescendos with one of Zimmer’s driving percussion sequences. Then it comes back down, almost sounding like a grown man whimpering while cuddling a mop. You haven’t been with a woman since college, but Eryka’s song makes you fantasize about finding Detective Nilsson in your bedroom wearing only her shoulder holster.

That might have been me at my best were it not for the love scene at the end of season two. Eryka worried about Henrik after he locked himself away in his shoddy cabin outside of town. I keep things mellow as she drives to his cabin and bangs on the door, then lets herself in. I strike a few notes on a child’s xylophone as she looks at the empty vodka bottles scattered about the place. Then, Henrik emerges from the bathroom wearing only a towel. We begin dropping eight-inch dildos onto a flooring that generates musical chords on impact as the two detectives stare at each other. Henrik’s jaw is so square, he looks like the lovechild of Dolf Lundgren and an actual square. His pained eyes smile at Eryka, lingering on the scar she got on her neck when she was stabbed in season one. We drop a few more dildos and add a wistful oboe. Then Eryka moves toward Henrik and soon they’re naked on the floor.

As their lovemaking intensifies, we fire butt plugs from pneumatic cannons at the floor and add excerpts from Brian Eno’s 1983 album Apollo. It’s magical and as the last plug sounds, Eryka releases all her stifled emotions onto Henrik and the scene fades out to somber reverberations of Owen Wilson saying ‘Wow’ at super-slow speed as I splooshed all over the end credits.

That’s why you love me! I’m your forlorn, sexy emo narrator, holding your hand through each gruesome scene. I soothe you during the in-between moments when you try to convince yourself things will be okay. Things will never be okay in our show, but I’m here for you.

I won’t tell anyone you created a Spotify playlist based on me. No one knows the text notification from your boyfriend was made by a butt plug hitting a musical floor. You’re obsessed with me and so thirsty for Friday night when it’s you, me, and what’s his name. Tell lover boy to bring the wine and I’ll bring the darkness, and then, as we say in Denmark, we’ll squeeze each other’s cheesegoats until the garden gnomes close their eyes.