Tuesday Morning
Tags: Giving Up, Sadness

Yesterday I came back home from work, a little happy with a hope that tomorrow will be good, so I ate my dinner, a plate of rice and kisamvu a small portion, Sat down beside my granny asking why did I take a little food, smiling I told her this I enough for today, then after we set our eyes on TV watching something that I had no interest with, I was there for the food, After a little while we prayed or at least I know they did, I was lost in thoughts thinking of different things before I go with the flow. Went to my room, a little disorganized looking at my new bed that I bought on the past days with my own money and I smiled, sat on my bed before I turned on my laptop thinking of what to watch, stood up undressed myself to remain with only a boxer and a vest, wondering why people call me “big” and I don’t see myself as that, I smiled again when I thought of how many times, I said I will hit gym just to get fit.

I was restless, so I put on some music before anything else, opened up my banana Crips excited with the sound they will make after I gave them a bite, I could bear the song lyrics but not the banana Crips they were salty so I had to take water. Passionate with the movie I was going to watch, my phone rang I smiled because I know what I was going to hear and yeah that was it, I felt glass shattering inside my head and again am a “Man” so I got act strong which is stupid but I did before I hang up on the phone. I was Sad thereafter, my face swallowed up, to satisfy my sadness and emptiness I felt at that time, I put on sad shows on my laptop so that when I dropped these tears it won’t be because of my life but for what I was going to watch, I cried as much as how it made me feel, sobbing with tears while I sat on my bed. I felt darkness In front of me and it was not because of the tears, my heart made slow beats within my chest I always tell myself that my sufferings have to be good for something but here I am hoping this Storm won’t last.

I can’t feel anything, I feel defeated, shot with all types of guns, the AK, the shot guns, slayed with the swords, gasping for air just, praying with faith hoping to survive the day, and may be tomorrow I will walk with my wounds to see the sunshine, I woke up for the future that I don’t see but hopefully it will get better, that is what I told my friends well to some

of them who see the pain inside me, not the one I make happy with my words and charm, I understand things should go a little better the way I planned so they won’t leave my heart damaged but right now I feel broken inside Flesh and bones everywhere, every day I woke up to iron my clothes, dress good put on everything I like, carry my bag with my laptop, loving the idea that I go to work but am not sure that’s true or I just like the idea that I go out in the morning and get back at night but my work don’t complete me at least not yet, I want more than this and right now am just stranger to myself, I don’t know what I am doing at day sometime but I just wore a smile, I want to be busy and not on my head only but the reality too, am getting distracted with this madness praying that I will bounce back and keep fighting and after all if every time we are sad we are told to be positive then we never learn how to deal with sadness.

Mad question asking, music blasting, blunt smoking, I finished my T bone steak smiling right before I go to sleep with these secrets inside me because right now when I think about my life it gets me “Horny” but in the end I hope to get the extreme “orgasm” whenever I look back at it.

When I put my head on my pillow, I felt the coldness of it and it felt good closing my eyes thinking about what Sylvia Path said, “perhaps someday I’ll crawl back home, beaten, defeated. But not as long as I can make stories out of my heartbreak, beauty out of sorrow”.