How to gain membership into the Annoying Caller Club
By: Shamontiel L. Vaughn
Tags: Phone Etiquette, Texting, Humor, Millennials, Satire

How to gain membership into the Annoying Caller Club

For the love of my sanity, stop calling me

Photo credit: Content Pixie/Unsplash

Nails on a chalkboard. Excessively barking dogs. Clicking pen tops. Slurping on a drink. Tapping fingernails on a table. I’ll take all of the above in exchange for the person who has my phone number and calls me for a bunch of absolutely nothing. Everyone has this caller — the person you give your phone number to and wonder why would you ever punish yourself like this. If at least one person does not immediately pop into your head right now, chances are you’re that person, buddy.

Here are a few tips to gain access into the Annoying Caller Club.

You are the person who sends a text or email, and then immediately calls the person to announce that you sent a text or email — before (s)he can respond.

You see the response to the email or text, but still call to repeat the exact same question or comment in the email. (Why did you bother emailing in the first place?)

You are an early bird or headed to work and decide everyone must be up and ready to talk to you at 5–8:30 a.m. I mean, you’re going to work and you know they don’t work the same schedule, but of course you call anyway.

If you’re calling anybody after 9 p.m. who has not seen you naked, you need a hobby — and fast.

You leave voicemail messages and say, “Hey, this is _______________. Call me back when you get this message.” (For whatever reason, you ignore the entire part of the voicemail that says, “Leave your name, number and your reason/purpose for calling.”) And it is 99.9 percent of the time not something worth calling about.

You hear the voicemail message, but still yell, “Hello? Are you home?” as if it’s 1980. Voicemails are not answering machines. You may as well yell into a wishing well.

You leave entire responses in “draft” on a regular basis but ask the other person, “Didn’t you get my text?” Then you see it in draft, and do the same thing all over again the next week. “Send” is right there.

You send group text messages, although you’re sure only one person really wants to read the message. And you refuse to acknowledge the hint from the person who never responded and send another group reply over and over again.

You give regular health reports— although no one has asked, “How are you doing?” And if the text or call is about something else, you still want to tell the other caller about your body parts. Somehow you’ve become the senior citizen who wants to report all of your aches, pains, constipation, medication, yeast infections, etc., and fully expect the other person to engage. (This does not pertain to emergencies. This is your everyday caller behavior.)

You are the “Whatcha doing? Oh, me, nothing” person, who never ever has anything to talk about but wants to talk on the phone nonstop. And every single time the other person tries to get off the phone, you have one thing you “forgot” to say or “just one more thing.”

You are the night owl who calls on evenings, weeknights and/or holidays for topics that you are sure could have waited until the next day. (Note: If you’re calling anybody after 9 p.m. who has not seen you naked, you need a hobby — and fast.)

Photo credit: Glen Anthony/Unsplash

You are the person who calls someone — including wrong numbers — and then asks, “Who is this?” You called this person. Identify yourself.

You are the person who keeps calling the wrong number in total denial that you could possibly have the wrong number.

You are the person who sends the exact same photo you put up on Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook or Twitter because the caller had not responded to it. In your mind, them not liking your photo is unheard of — so you’re waiting for a response via text.

You are the Fashion Nova-style business account that does not have a “STOP” option to get rid of automated promo texts.

You are anyone’s boss and think it’s perfectly acceptable to call your subordinates on evenings, weekends and holidays for work tasks that can clearly be emailed or wait until Monday. You usually have no significant other, no kids and no life — and how dare your team have any of the above. (I’m saying this as someone who is unmarried with no kids. You’re making us look bad.)

You ask suspiciously private messages over text messaging and are dumbfounded when the other person won’t answer. “What’s your password?” “What’s your credit card number?” “What’s your mother’s maiden name?”

You send Throwback Thursday photos on every day but Thursday, and still have not acknowledged that absolutely no one cares that you’re going down memory lane.

You are the “…” text messenger who never ever finishes the message or types so painfully slow that you force a non-phone person to call you to get this “…” conversation over with.

If you are constantly being sent to voicemail or it takes days for someone to return your text, this is probably you. But if your name is “Mom/Dad, Grandad/Grandma,” none of these complaints apply to you. You made the person holding the phone. Therefore, your (grand)kids should always call you back — no matter how much you drive them nuts.