Being Family Does Not Require Us To Experience Trauma
Tags: Healing, Family, Toxic Relationships, Relationships, Acceptance

Being Family Does Not Require Us To Experience Trauma

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“But they’re your [insert family member title]”.

Phrases like the above have a similarity to religious phrases. We are constantly told that the payout for all our suffering in this world will come in the next. It removes our responsibility to ourselves to demand better; from ourselves and those around us. This also allows people, society and government to avoid accountability.

Similarly, the “they’re your family" line is used as a mallet to pummel us with guilt when we cut off a family member.

Everyone will tell you, “but they’re your [father, sister, aunt, brother, uncle]” and occasionally tack on “they’re the only one you have and you’re going to regret this.”

I’m not going to tell anyone they are wrong if they decide to accept a destructive family member back into their lives. I will say regarding “blood relations” —

Why does that matter?

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Accepting abuse because we feel a familial obligation can exacerbate trauma, pain and self-loathing we may already be struggling with. Furthermore, reasoning acceptance of a toxic individual becomes easier in other aspects of our life, including spousal relationships.

You get what you’re willing to tolerate.

We share DNA so I have to let it slide when you call me a “bitch"? When you threaten me? When you insult my appearance? When you are racist towards Black people, forgetting or overlooking that I am part Black?

Nope. I’m going to eject you from my life the way Jazz was ejected from Fresh Prince’s house on television. And while he was always let back in, that will not be occurring here.

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“It’s the family you choose that counts.” — Anthony Vachss

Family is not determined by blood and DNA. It, like any relation ship, is about supporting and uplifting each other . It is about connecting in a way that spiritually, emotionally strengthens both parties.

When family members are abusing you; verbally, mentally, or physically (doesnt matter if they use religion as their shield) and you have done nothing but try to live your life without harm to any person, they do not — I repeat, DO NOT — need to be a part of your life.

There is familial loyalty that is honorable and then there is familial loyalty that is more aptly characterized as blind loyalty. You stand by those who stand by you. Period.

There are people that will enter your life who will accept you, support you and ride or die for you because you are amazing and worthy of love and support.

Your bond with them will be stronger than blood because they see you — not an expectation of you or their “second chance for greatness" in you.

Some of the most toxic, destructive individuals we encounter will share our blood, and yet we are expected to still allow these antagonistic characters into our lives.

I do not subscribe to that and, in the same manner that a police officer who violates the law should be judged harsher than a citizen, I do not hand out forgiveness to family members easily. There is little that I can’t talk past or work out but behaviors that I decide are a hard no are non-negotiable and I am no longer interested in compromising what, to my mind, is and should be a clear case of right versus wrong.

If being blood related does not obligate you to treat me with love and acceptance then, conversely, it does not obligate me to waste my time and energy in a toxic environment.

Image by Lihle Lynne from Pixabay

There are easy signs that the family you are associating with is toxic. Do you:

Feel physically sick when you know you’re scheduled to see or talk to them

Feel mentally exhausted after seeing, talking to them

Feel depressed and question your choices because of them

Avoid telling them certain aspects of your life because you fear their abuse (this can be emotional or physical abuse)

Go over imagined arguments in your head because you know what is coming

Do they:

Put you down because of your (gender, sexuality, race, skin color, appearance, weight, mental health, physical ability, career, etc.)?

Give backhanded or passive-aggressive compliments/insults? *This is the “for what it is, it’s not bad" style of attack.

Make you feel like you will never be enough as you are?

This is not an exhaustive list but if you are experiences any one if these regularly this is a family member that you do not need in your life.

It’s challenging enough to accept ourselves without having someone constantly telling us that we shouldn’t. If you are content with who you are, they should be as well.

Don’t let anyone define where your best starts and stops. You are enough, and we can choose our family in this world. We do not need to be bound by something as trivial as blood.

Family is something more.

Let’s acknowledge it together.