#EDtoo Interviews: Angela Anderson
By: Rejecting Die T, Cult Ure
Tags: Interview, Body Positive, Health, Recovery, Eating Disorders

Angela Anderson; age 43; resides in Northwood, United Kingdom.

#EDtoo Interviews: Angela Anderson

This article forms part of a series, documenting the experiences of those who have battled chronic dieting/eating disorders. My intention behind these articles is to educate and create awareness about the toxicity of die(t) cult(ure) and the reality of eating disorders — which can easily develop as a result of dieting/weight loss.

This is Angela’s story.

Please could you tell me a little about your history with dieting/ED?

“I had an eating disorder for twenty five years, then I spent two years in quasi-recovery, and now in full recovery for nine and a half months. I see a therapist once a week. At the start of “All In” I was doing pretty well; there have been some stressful things happening, such as my mum getting COVID and going into hospital (she is out and fine now) and my 90 year old nanny who lives by herself. I have been able to connect with family and friends through Zoom, but the constant talk of weight gain of people who are overweight being a higher risk; the praise of weight loss; the hypocrisy of body positivity and then praising weight loss; the fact that World Eating Disorders Day wasn’t mentioned anywhere on TV — even though it has the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses — it just makes me so sad and so mad.

Has isolation during COVID impacted upon your recovery/ED? If so, how?

“I had a couple of weeks where I really struggled. Trying to heal and recover with such bleak hypocritical messages makes it so much harder. Obviously I am at a point where I eat what I want and will never go back to the ED, but I see so much disordered stuff around me. I even heard a man on TV whose wife is a GP talking about how people who are overweight or obese should lose weight rapidly to save themselves from getting COVID and suggesting a diet of 800 calories ?!?! How is this possible in this day and age? He, of course, has written books he is trying to sell.

I feel very sad that people feed off of other people’s weak spots. Money and power seem to be at the root of most of these things.

So living in this safe space where no-one can see the whole of me, my body mainly, you can feel safe but when it comes to getting back out there it is going to be very testing. The ED wants to isolate you and that is how we find ourselves in the pandemic — isolated. I have found that worry about relatives and sadness over what’s happening in the world has made it harder to focus on living my life and the ED tries to distract me from stuff by drawing attention again to my body, but I have the tools to fight it. How much easier it would be to live in a world where we were all given the same opportunities. Now I have had my eyes opened, I see privilege everywhere and I see prejudice everywhere. It has to start with me. This lockdown has made me appreciative for how far I have come but also aware of how far I have to go and how scary it feels to go back into the real world — not because of COVID — but because of how I feel in my new body. How bonkers is that?!”

To what extent do you think money and power plays into diet culture? How can we address our own prejudices around bodies? To what extent is fatphobia responsible for EDs in your opinion?

“I think it is highly ironic that human beings seem to have one thing in common — we want to belong and we think that in order to do that we have to look a certain way. People want power because they think that will bring them happiness; having money is a way to get power, but it won’t bring happiness because that lies within us. Yet we are taught from a young age that our outer shells are the most important thing. Why else would we be bombarded from a young age with so many messages about looks and the importance of staying young and slim and beautiful?

Now it seems more confusing than ever because, on the one hand, we are told we should love our bodies whatever they look like, and on the other hand, we are constantly giving praise and adulation to thin, supposedly “beautiful” people, and we are also condemning fat people constantly. Everywhere on TV and in the media you see people talking about larger people and tying it up with being unfit and unhealthy. It seems to be that overweight is the worst thing you can be. I have also noticed that lately the conversation about eating disorders has got even quieter; World Eating Disorders Day and not a mention of it on TV, Mental Health Awareness Week and not a mention of it, yet there was still talk of obesity and now it’s stretched to people being overweight.

Ninety nine percent of people don’t even know where the BMI scale comes from. Of course, this is so much better for diet culture, they need people to believe they are “unworthy” and “not good enough” to keep their sales going. In the last week I have seen more adverts for Weight Watchers “reimagined” — a while ago they had to change their branding because things seem to be changing, mental health was being talked about more and people were getting upset with having to change their bodies and fail at diets — all it took was this pandemic to set us back, with all the talk of obesity and overweight people being more susceptible to COVID-19, diet culture saw its chance —

Cashing in on people’s fear to make money, and they tell themselves they are “helping people”…

So when it comes to crash diets, we lose the weight now and have a better chance with the virus, and then when the vaccine comes, or when the virus is obliterated, we have to take responsibility for keeping that weight off — which as we know is not possible — and we will feel like failures, but the people who sold us this can say, “Well it is your fault, you are the ones responsible.” It’s disgraceful and really upsetting.

Imagine if we all accepted our bodies. We need to stop seeing people as objects. We need to look at people’s unique qualities. Most of what is wrong with the world is that we like to put labels on things, and put them into groups because it makes us feel safe, but if we could look at people individually and assess them we would do better.

We need to stop praising weight loss.

We need to stop praising what is essentially people’s genetic makeup. Instead, we can praise their choices or their efforts (i.e. ‘I love that dress you’re wearing”, or, “You are so kind”). I mean surely, especially with what’s going on in the world right now, qualities like kindness, and the ability to listen would be much more beneficial things to aspire to than a small waist or long legs.

We should praise our bodies for what they can do, as opposed to how they look (e.g. on TV an Olympian runner should be praised for working hard to get that gold, not for losing weight or looking good).

Fatphobia has come from fear; people wanting to fit in; people wanting to be attractive to find a mate. If we are told from a very young age that fat is “bad” and “unattractive”, then why would we let ourselves be fat? If we were left alone to eat as we wished, and we didn’t receive all these messages about a “good” and “bad” body, about “good” and “bad” foods, we would all be a lot happier; but people need to make money, and people are fearful.

We need the people who are brave to stand up to it. People who have recovered from eating disorders are some of the bravest people I know — to do the opposite of what you have been brainwashed to do for years is a very hard thing to do.

I was told I was “too fat” to wear a dance costume when I was a teenager; I was told this by my dance teacher in front of all the other dancers. I was called “podge” as a child and if I complained about this, I was called a tell-tale and told to ignore it. I was told by an ex-boyfriend that if I went above a size twelve, he would dump me. I was told by a doctor when I was begging for help with an ED, that I would “be okay”. I was told by another doctor I “looked” healthy. People say to other people every day, “You look well”, “You look healthy”; when will they understand that you can’t assess someone’s health by looking at them?

If we weren’t fatphobic, and we accepted different sized bodies, then it would drive eating disorders right down.

There would still be a problem however because people still get ill, and could lose weight through illness, mental or physical, and that will send them into energy deficit — which will bring on an eating disorder in those who are predisposed to it. However, recovering from an eating disorder in a non-fatphobic society would be much easier, and many people wouldn’t get an ED because their weight would stay at their set point — the optimal weight for their body.”

What does recovery from an ED look like? What does one need to do in order to recover?

“Recovery from an ED is different for everyone, but one thing that seems to be true for everyone is that it is messy and very hard. You are having to fight against a world that is talking about weight loss, and a world that holds up thin bodies to be idolised. Triggers are everywhere. It means you have to let go of all the things you used to help you feel safe.

It is somewhat like a person who has been incarcerated — at first the world is a scary place and they are used to rules and regulations. When the rules are gone there is freedom, but before you get to the freedom you have to find a way to live without the rules to guide you.

Recovery means waking up everyday and saying no to all the rules and regulations the ED has put in place. It is fighting hard against all the constant triggers out there. It is doing the very thing you are most scared of and trusting that you will eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is working hard everyday to shut down negative thoughts.

In an ideal world you need help and support — a nutritionist, a therapist, friends and family to stand by you. In reality many people have to do it alone. I had a therapist, and I researched, and I found Tabitha Farrar, whose videos are inspiring and helpful — she was the one person that seemed to give me unconditional permission to eat, no matter what; that is what I needed to hear. I then had to sit myself down — like a child — and force food into my mouth. I often cried through meals. Only after I started eating more through force-feeding did I realise how starving I was, and how exhausted I was.

You have to decide you want to recover, then you have to make a commitment to recover, and to eat to the minimum guidelines and beyond, and to never restrict again. This may seem to some people like an easy thing — a wonderful thing — but to someone whose biggest fear has become eating food, this is like facing your biggest fear everyday. Gradually the anxiety lessens, but you don’t have rest days, and clearly you can’t avoid food!

This is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done, and to do it surrounded by people who don’t get it makes it even harder; which is why it is so important to have a support system, and to find people in support groups who are going through the same thing.

But it is also important to recognise the difference between quasi-recovery and real ‘All In’ recovery. ‘All-in’ recovery is the only thing that makes the ED voice go away. I have no regrets about going ‘All In’, even though I have put on a lot of weight. I am now considered overweight (by the BMI which we know is rubbish), yet my mind is clearer than ever; I am more productive; my relationships are better; and I am all round happier. I struggle still and have bad days — like everyone does — but I can handle them and I no longer punish my body in these moments.”

We need to stop torturing our bodies. You cannot heal from a restrictive eating disorder by restricting.

Can you please explain what “quasi-recovery” and “All In” is for people who are unaware?

“My eating disorder meant that I had many rules around eating — how much I could eat; what I could eat; when I could eat. When I wanted to recover, I went into quasi-recovery where I challenged those behaviours. I tried to eat more different kinds of food, food deemed “bad” by diet culture, food “off limits” in my eating disorder — such as chocolate, desserts or curry.

I found that diet culture gradually made more things “bad”, like potatoes — which meant my foods became more and more limiting. I believed diet culture when it said, “Potatoes make you fat” and fat was to be avoided at all costs. I didn’t understand about food, nutrition and about fat being needed. I ate everything low fat and low calorie, so quasi-recovery was about breaking some rules. I also exercised every day in order to work off calories so I could eat. I tried to exercise less and less. I also tried to eat more. I then realised that I was doing all these things but they were causing me great stress and the ED voice (in my head telling me not to eat this or that because I mustn’t get fat) was really loud.

It felt like I was working hard for not much reward.

“All In” for me was giving in to my body. After breaking the cycle of exercise it seemed clearer to me what I had to do. One day, I sat myself down and I decided enough was enough, so I ate and I ate and my appetite was ferocious! I realised after twenty seven years of massively under-eating, I had a lot of eating to do to catch up to where my body should be. I also felt exhausted and allowed myself to be exhausted. I couldn’t have done any exercise if I had tried, to be honest! So “All In” was following my mental and physical hunger every moment of every day, and also stopping the exercise altogether.

My whole body felt bruised and I couldn’t even shower for the first couple of weeks. It was like everything I had put my body through caught up with me and knocked me out. Every time I thought of food, I ate and I ate a lot. But something within me just knew this was what I needed. Gradually, as time went by, my appetite decreased and I felt able to do things — like having a shower, for example. Gradually I started to feel stronger again . Seeing my body in the mirror was so hard because I gained weight very quickly (I didn’t weigh myself. I knew this due to my clothes). I threw all my sick clothes out!”

What do you think is the best part of rejecting diet culture?

“The best part of rejecting diet culture is being present and feeling free to live your life, to connect with others, to be flexible; if a friend phones and wants a chat, I can chat and enjoy that connection without hinting about when I can workout, or how long till my next meal, or how many calories is in a pea.”

You actually have time to listen and connect with people, and that to me is precious, it’s what life is all about. What’s the point of having an “amazing body” if you don’t have time to connect with people?

And what was the worst part of developing an ED?

“The worst part of developing an ED was the feeling of being alone; of not being normal; of not being understood; of feeling like you are being held captive by a viscous, abusive, unrelenting bully who no one knows about, and no one can see. It is also thinking that the ED is your fault. Once you understand it’s not your fault, it is easier to ask for help.”

What advice would you give to someone who is in pursuit of weight loss?

“I would honestly want to sit down with them and have a long chat explaining the nightmare I have been through; how isolating and lonely it is to have an eating disorder; how it gradually takes away your life from you; how ashamed it makes you feel.

As someone who has spent twenty five years of her life in misery, trying to change her body in order to be happy, I can tell you that the sooner you accept your body, the sooner you will find that happiness you were looking for.

Don’t try to force your body into being something it is not. Be you, be unique. Do your research and learn from other people’s experience. “Follow the science” is something we have heard a lot lately, and that is what I implore you to do.

Look at the evidence — diets don’t work in the long-term. They are a short-term fix, and do nothing for your health. True happiness comes from within.

Are you willing to risk getting a life-threatening eating disorder? Are you willing to lose weight only to gain it back, and more? Are you willing to risk your fertility? Are you willing to ruin your digestive system? Are you willing to be moody, miserable, and sad? Are you willing to risk relationships? Are you willing to devote time and effort to changing your body, when there was nothing wrong with it in the first place? Do you want to be healthy, or do you want to look a certain way? What are your values? Are you looking for someone who is a perfect weight? When you get to the weight you want to get to, what then? Do you think you will find happiness just like that? Are you crazy?”