Hi guys, HI!
Tags: Anxiety, Loss, Grief, Depression, Suicide

I’ve tried starting this damn entry at least 3 times. Ugh. My words were and have been stuck. Word vomit that made absolutely no sense at all. So, to hell with it, right? I think I was trying to explain why it’s been over a week since I last posted, and realized that it started a bit gloomy/negative and Jesus…who cares, right?! This week I was reminded how I insistently start a conversation with what’s gone wrong instead of right…and that is exactly what I had done 3 times over with this entry. Not gonna lie, it’s a bit of a bad habit I picked up from my Dad. Whoopsie. But habits can be broken, so we can start there. So, clean slate.

In light of this little moment of clarity, I shall start by telling you about the things that have gone right, these last couple of weeks.

Reflection/Clarity — I struggle with depression/anxiety and still grieving the passing of my Dad. Some days are great, some days not so great. Here is the difference, I am very self aware of these days, and as frustrating as they may be for me to personally deal with, I understand it takes a toll on the people I love, to see me process through these struggles. Here is the moment of clarity…I accept my struggles with these stupid mental challenges, and I think I have selfishly used that to my greater advantage than not. Or, perhaps as usual, there is a sense of guilt, that I put the people that I love so dearly, through these things. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely go through legit depressive episodes, but I also feel like I stay in them way longer than what I actually should because, it’s easier to use it as an excuse and avoid them (depressive episodes), than actually facing them head on. I may think I am dealing with these episodes, and the times I do, I give myself credit…but if I’m being honest to myself and to you, I sink way lower than what I probably should, and by my own hand no less .

But also — this is one of the first things my therapist shared with me, from a metaphorical standpoint. Suppose you have this huge jar of sand within you, and every person you come across and try to help, you give just a bit of sand from your jar, and if you are anything like me, you forget to refill the jar for yourself, so by the time you know it…you is all empties of sand and quite frankly drained. That’s me and a ton other people in the world…therapist PREACHES self love/self care, and some days I’m super A++ about it, and somedays you can grade me with an F. And lately, I have earned a lot of F’s, and I realize that.

These last couple of weeks I have been surrounded by the people I love the most. I’ve spent time with my kiddo, my mommsies, my brother, my sisters in Dallas, my chosen family in San Antonio, my bestie sister came in from Corpus, and I feel I have healed some hurt feelings by having a conversation with someone I was making every attempt and every way possible to avoid. You notice a trend…I’m the bestest avoider of all avoiders of anything.

ANYWAY…I feel like I have refilled my jar, or it’s almost full, or maybe I’m out of my depressive episode, OR maybe I need to be much better at refilling my jar quicker/sooner so my episodes are shorter?!?!?

Self love/self care!!!

Dammit love yourself so hard it makes other people jealous to love you because you love yourself an unmeasureable amount that they could never love you more than you love yourself. And that’s the way it should be, right? Always!! Yet, I struggle. I’ve had a difficult time of learning how to love myself, yes at 41…I’m learning to love me, flaws and all. And one way of doing that is by making the decision to treat myself, for the first time in my adult life to taking an actual vacation, no kiddo…just my personalities: me, myself, I, and that other bitch that shows up from time to time! Just kidding, I only have 3!! Yup, a week vacation to an island that isn’t South Padre. To an island that when you mention the name, people’s eyes get big, and say “ooh fancy”. But as I have been reminded on several occasions…I fucking deserve it.

If there is anything 2020 should have taught us, it’s how to live. How to live for yourself and your sanity, and how to live for the ones you love. But YOU are the priority!! Trust, I’m not super good at this at all, it’s like a pot kettle black situation….but fuck if I’m not trying!! I’m sick and tired of being exhausted, depressed, anxious, you know…everything I have shared with you through these blogs.

Take that trip…cut your hair…eat those carbs (in moderation)…challenge yourself to break out of the box you have for so long, lived in. Lord knows I need to practice what I preach, and maybe I’m on my way to do that. I know I sound very optimistic right now but that’s because I am. I also realize, I have my struggles and triggers and may not be so optimistic tomorrow. But then the next day (if the universe grants it to me) is yet a new one, to write, to correct, to reintroduce my version of optimism. One baby step at a time.

You ask…what changed? This is a new kind of energy, huh? I did post an IGTV about those thoughts. In the time I have spent away from San Antonio and been in Dallas, and in preparation of this trip, I have taken much time to reflect. One thing that came to mind is a text that my brother sent me months back:

“You aren’t unaccomplished. You are just not unlocked. Begin to unlock yourself.”

Maybe by writing and reaching out in this way is the key to begin unlocking myself from my fears. Writing has been one of those fears. The fear of people not understanding my style of writing or not gaining the approval of the people I think matter. But honest to god…fuck ’em. I’m doing it for me, and hopefully to connect with you, and maybe help relate and provide levity to a heavy day. In the post “Love” I posted an entry of what of what I shared on facebook on July 31, 2019. The reason I remember I posted that day is because the first comment I received was from my Dad, something to the affect of, “You have always been such a great writer, I wish I could express myself the way you can. I love you guys.” This is a paraphrase of what he said because as I said I was having a moment so the following day, I deleted the post (comments and all) because I feared being heard, but he heard me, and responded. This is probably the most regrettable thing I have ever done…those were his official last words to me, through a facebook comment, because he was gone later that day. And honestly, his was the only approval that meant anything to me, and I deleted it. Now the last thing I visibly have from him is through text asking me:

I tried to contact Facebook to try and retrieve that status…to no avail. So if there is one thing that I have also learned…others approval is neither wanted or accepted. I’m doing it for me, and me alone (well and the kiddo, cuz duh).

So, GO…LOVE LIFE…LIVE LIFE, and don’t live in fear of happiness because dammit….you (and I) deserve every fucking part of it!!!

XOXO — Belen