What Kind of Penis Do You Have?
By: Mysterious Witt
Tags: Sexuality, Sex, Men, Sex Work, Mens Health

What Kind of Penis Do You Have?

The beer can, the corkscrew, the flip-flop, or the grandfather-clock pendulum? These are a few of the different penis types I’ve seen as a sex worker.

Photo by Liam Martens on Unsplash

As an escort, I’ve seen a lot of penises. It’s basically part of my job. A man comes to see me, he drops his drawers, and I check out his dick.

It’s been incredible to witness the sheer diversity of penises out there. And please know my intention here is not to shame any man. Let’s call the following list of penis types a celebration of some of the more unique dicks I’ve seen in my lifetime.

The beer can penis

The beer can penis is often attached to a guy whose body is also like a beer can. He’s typically stout and kind of burly and honestly looks like he could mess somebody up with his big biceps.

But where his sturdy and solid form gives him physical prowess, his dick lacks length. His penis is abbreviated like he is. It’s thick yet short.

Like a beer can. Luckily, what his penis lacks in length it makes up for in girth.

There’s something amazing about feeling my vagina being stretched to its limits by a short, fat cock.

Therefore I have nothing but praise for the beer can penis.

The banana penis

I know — all penises kind of resemble bananas, but this type of penis seriously resembles a banana. Not the color, of course, but the shape. And I’m not just talking about the curve.

I’m talking about the tip. The tip of the banana penis also tapers into a point.

It still provides a perfectly pleasurable sexual experience though. No complaints.

The aerodynamic penis

Related to the banana penis is the aerodynamic penis. I call this penis such because it also tapers into a point at the end.

Its tip is so streamlined that it looks like it would cut expertly through the wind. It looks like it would move very fast if it were an airplane.

But it’s not. It’s a dick, and the only thing it’s going to plunge into is a woman.

What differentiates the aerodynamic penis from the banana penis is that it lacks the curve. Instead it’s shaped like a curtain rod, at least in its straightness.

But it’s not rod-shaped either — it’s aerodynamic. The tip is slender but the phallus widens gradually until its fat base.

It’s streamlined in form. It’s aerodynamic.

The crooked cock

The proper name for this condition is Peyronie’s disease. Apparently scar tissue inside the penis hampers it from filling with blood properly upon erection and makes the penis bend or curve when it’s erect.

Penises like this one have been showing up in my life since I was in my twenties. It never seemed like that big of a deal. It didn’t hurt the man to have a bent penis, and the sex didn’t feel all that different for me.

But recently I did have a client who came down with Peyronie’s disease later in life. He used to have a very nice cock — big and long. Part of our session, at least when he first began to see me, was just about me admiring it.

He liked to have a woman tell him how big and beautiful his cock was. I happily obliged because his cock was pretty huge.

Then one day, he showed up and something had changed — like really changed. His cock was no longer the big, beautiful thing it used to be: it had grown crooked.

And worse, his dick hurt to be touched. He could no longer penetrate a woman. He came to talk to me because he was distraught.

He believed he’d never be able to have sex again, and honestly I’m still waiting to hear back from him to see what the prognosis is.

The corkscrew penis

Related to the crooked cock is the corkscrew penis. In fact, this kind of penis might also be caused by Peyronie’s disease. However, I’ve given it its own category because of one intensely crooked penis I encountered once.

The man’s penis wasn’t just bent — it was twisted. His dick was curlicued, like a pig’s tail. Like a corkscrew.

It was like nothing I’d ever seen before.

And yet when we had sex, it didn’t feel that much different.

I was disappointed. I honestly wanted to experience something different. I’d hoped it would touch me in places I’d never been touched before. Didn’t happen. It just felt like having sex a regular penis.

The flip-flop penis

The flip-flop penis is the penis of an older gent that refuses to become erect. I had a client with a dick like this. It was floppy like a flip-flop.

That didn’t stop him from wanting to have sex though. He ground himself into me, not a single bit of dick penetrating me. It was more like having sex with a woman.

Perhaps I also felt that way because he was basically scissor-fucking me. He wedged his body between my legs and rubbed away.

“I’m sorry,” he said when he was finished trying. He didn’t ejaculate. He hadn’t even been able to get hard. But at least he felt the sense of having had sex with me.

I didn’t mind. He still paid me my full fee.

The broken penis

I have another older gentleman client who also has a dick that ceases to become fully erect. But he’s in a better situation than the man with the flip-flop penis in that his dick at least becomes semi-erect.

But it doesn’t get semi-erect the way a young man’s dick does when he’s partly aroused. The man with the broken penis only becomes erect in certain places.

The base of his penis becomes hard along with the tip, but then that leaves all that space in between.

As such, his dick basically bends while he fucks me. And when I say it bends, I mean it folds.

For this reason it’s always a little tricky to get him inside me.

We manage. I’m typically quite stressed every time we have sex, because I’m afraid he won’t ever get hard enough to come.

I want him to come because I want him to feel satisfied. I want him to continue to come back to see me.

Luckily he does always end up ejaculating.

Performing a blowjob is always a little easier because at least I can suction his shaft into my mouth and thereby control the folding nature of its flaccid center.

The grandfather-clock pendulum penis

This is what I call the man’s penis that’s particularly slender while having a pronounced mushroom-head tip.

Another way to describe this penis would be to call it a twirling baton. Or an antenna, like the kind you have on a transistor radio.

I’m not knocking this kind of cock. It still feels quite pleasurable to have inside me.

The button penis

The button penis is yet another name for a micro-penis. When a man with a button penis pulls down his pants, I don’t see a cock. I see a puff of skin at his crotch, and in the center of that puff is a button.

What I mean by button is that his penis resembles a tufted couch button. That’s the kind of button that has a layer of fabric over it.

As you can imagine, the man with the button penis is often rather overweight. As the flesh of his body has grown to eclipse his form, it’s also grown to eclipse his penis.

All that’s left, at least to be glimpsed by the naked eye in non-erect form, is the mushroom tip. That’s why it looks like nothing more than a tufted couch button poking out from the midst of all that skin.

When this man’s penis hardens, it goes from looking like a button to looking like a toadstool.

I’m not fat-shaming men who have button penises. I’m just saying that this is what it looks like to me.

I’d love to be able to tell you what the button penis feels like inside me, but that’s never happened.

Typically men with button penises aren’t looking for actual penetrative sex. They want to drop their drawers and then listen to me laugh and make fun of their penises.

Still, I’m curious what it would feel like to have an erect button penis inside of me. A toadstool, that is.

Would it feel like a tampon? Or is it really the motion of the ocean that’s important?

In other words, it doesn’t make a difference how small a man’s penis is. If he moves his dick expertly, I’ll still come buckets.

I might never learn the truth.

The scared willy penis

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

The scared willy penis is related to the button penis in that its length is also hidden under a lot of skin.

Folds and folds, usually.

The man who has a scared willy penis is also overweight, but morbidly so.

Because of all the extra skin, when he pulls down his pants, I can’t even see the button head of his penis.

The scared willy penis has been completely overtaken by skin.

A man with a scared willy penis doesn’t even seem to have a penis. All I see is a hole where the scared willy presumably lives.

You know there’s something hiding inside there, just like when you’re hiking and you see a hole in the ground. You know that at any moment a snake could poke its head out.

And at some point it does. The problem is, even if the man’s penis is medium-length, it still only ever shows its head. There’s too much extra skin in the way.

Once again, I’ve never experienced this penis inside of me, so I can’t attest to its erotic properties, but I do always do my best to have fun with a penis even if it’s a scared willy penis.

Like men with button penises, men with scared willy penises also like me to make fun of their dicks.

I enjoy this — as long as it’s consensual.

And like I said, I didn’t write about these penis types to shame men. I believe you’re born with the penis you’re born with.

All you can do is to learn to move it expertly.

And as women, all we can do is to do our best to enjoy any dick. Luckily, because these are penises we’re talking about, that’s not difficult to do at all.