Being Brown & Gay
Tags: Love Letters, Love, Gay, LGBTQ, Self Love

Letter From My Heart

Life of a Indecisive Person— Part I

Dear Readers,

One issue I have always been dealing with in my life is the feeling of being ‘indecisive’.

When life has presented me with tough decisions, I either respond with “I don’t know”, “yes” or choosing an option I do not necessarily agree on in the first place .

During one particular part of my life I often believed that most of the choices I made was due to self pressure. This was my weakness. I continuously tried to overcome this hurdle but I was always left feeling utter disappointment as I always felt a pull back on my reigns.

The saddest part was that nobody had forced pressure on me but it came from within. It left me feeling vulnerable and depressed most of the time and I always allowed it to get the worst of me in any situation.

There has been so many instances where I have ripped my hair out from its roots, punched my fist into the wall and sliced my wrists with a razor blades…but none of that did any good for me. I ended up hurting the one person I love the most… my dear Mother.

I am 23 years old now and I feel like I finally have figured myself out. I guess I was was indecisive because I was attracted to those who had the same physical features as me. I was indecisive because I was scared — scared to pick myself and happiness. I was scared to disappoint my Mother the most. I was scared of what people would think of me. I was scared of myself. What was I getting myself into? Why am I feeling like this?

Purpose

This all changed though. Quicker that I ever expected.

I had simply found purpose in my life. That purpose was contained within someone so dear to me. One beautiful person is all it took. She is the one who accepted me, she is the one who demonstrated self love to me and it was her who gave me the upmost confidence within myself. She was proud of me and she continuously showered me with love, endlessy. I love her.

I have come to a point in my life where I feel that everything I have achieved is because of her. Everything I do now reflects that. She is special to me, and her teachings will always be treasured deep within my heart.

I am a firm believer of the saying that goes “people come into your life either as a lesson or a blessing”. She truly is a blessing to me. I believe she came into my life for a reason. Her presence in my life will always leave a mark on me.

At first when it all happened. I was kind of confused. I mean, when I met her.

We initially were very good friends during college until she left to go University to do her Foundation year.

I did feel some type of way for her but she left and I didn't see her again until 3/4 years later. We kept in contact through social media like Snapchat and the good old WhatsApp, but it wasn’t the same.

She was one of the first people I opened up to about myself and my sexual preferences. I did expect a lot of grief because she was a complete different religion to me — but she took me by surprise.

She Accepted Me.

We fell in love instantly, I couldn’t go a day without her. I needed her, she needed me. It was addicting. Our love was exclusive, it was an addiction.

I wanted her because she fuelled me and made me feel so alive. Everytime I would go to visit her, I would feel myself being lovestruck and lost in my own fantasy world. I always felt butterflies around her, and I still continue to feel that way. Things started to become even more intense from the beginning of our relationship.

I used to visit her house around 6/7 in the evening and leave at like 5 or 6am the next Morning. We would stay up all night in bed caressing each other, talking and sharing our deepest secrets. I couldn’t stop myself, I just wanted her lips all over mine. I loved feeling her so close to me. We couldn’t stop making out with each other, it felt so good.

Stay Tuned for PT II.