If You Don’t Get That Animatronic Santa Off Your Roof, I Will Burn Your Fucking House Down
By: Rachael Millanta
Tags: Comedy, Humor, Christmas Lights, Christmas, Satire

Photo by Macau Photo Agency on Unsplash

If there’s one thing I know about Christmas, it’s that it’s a time to celebrate the birth of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ. If there’s another equally important thing I know about Christmas, it’s that it’s a competition, and I must have the best-decorated house in the neighborhood. For the seven years that I’ve lived in this street, we’ve had harmony. Everything in its rightful order. Then you moved in.

Carole, is it? Carole, as I’m sure you know, my house was featured in three local newsletters last year for its stunning Christmas lights, which have been referred to as a “revelation” by at least two women in the community who are truly terrified of my power on the Neighborhood Watch. How do I stay at the top? Every year, I get better. I add a new item, a new centerpiece, and 2020’s addition has been in the works for years. You see, the pièce de résistance of this year’s display was to be a top of the range, custom-made animatronic Santa Claus. He would be placed atop my awnings to wave down at the crowds of admirers, spreading joy, and the story of my undeniable talent.

So you can imagine my surprise when my Timothy came home from school yesterday to tell me that YOU, my dear new neighbor at number 38, had decorated with an animatronic Santa of your own, BEFORE ME. Of course, I didn’t believe him at first. ‘Nobody would be so evil,’ I thought. But there it is. Number 38 is trying to be number 1. Now, I know you only just moved in, so maybe you don’t understand how this works. I have an animatronic Santa. I have the best Christmas lights. It’s my thing. MY thing.

Carole, this year was to be my magnum opus. Whispers of my Winter Wonderland X North Pole Workshop theme have been the topic of conversation, in certain circles, since Halloween. I’m making a virtual tour for my Facebook fans. My children have even promised they’ll pay attention this year, because I told them that if they don’t, they’re not getting a PS5. I don’t think you’re understanding the seriousness of this.

Why are you trying to destroy me? How long have you been planning this? Weeks? Months? Since the day you were born? I worked HARD to get where I am in the Christmas light community. YES CAROLE, THERE’S A CHRISTMAS LIGHT COMMUNITY. I stay vigilant, not following the trends but setting them myself. I innovate. You can’t just move in and start with animatronics on your first Christmas. It’s ridiculous and you’re embarrassing yourself.

Listen to me. We can’t have TWO animatronic Santas in the same street — it makes no narrative sense. When people enter our alcove, the decorations should tell a story. That story should be: Look at this incredible house’s decorations, and all the other houses complimenting it, but not making any form of weak or pathetic attempt to overshadow it. My house is the main house. My reputation relies on it being the highlight. Your house is one of the complimentary houses. One of. Insignificance. Are you picking up what I’m putting down here, Carole? ARE YOU? DO NOT CHALLENGE MY POSITION.

I’m not the only one who's angry, Carole. Everybody is upset about this. EVERYBODY is talking. Yes, including Susan at number 32. NO DON’T ASK HER, you’ll only upset her.

You’re just not ready for animatronics, anyway. I wasn’t going to say anything because I was trying to be nice, but your rope lights are chaotic and your icicle display is in shambles. What’s your theme? You have blue, red, green, yellow… It’s like you didn’t even storyboard this. Do you even CARE? Because I CARE, CAROLE. I FUCKING CARE. You’ve thrown the entire street into disarray, and if you expect ME to rework MY decorations to fit your chaotic energy, you are sadly mistaken! Leave the animatronics to the professionals, love. STAY. THE FUCK. IN YOUR LANE.

I don’t want to be unreasonable, so I’m giving you until my early morning power walk to have that Santa off your roof and on his merry way back to the North Pole. And if you don’t? AND IF YOU DON’T? I WILL BURN YOUR FUCKING HOUSE DOWN, CAROLE. THAT’S A PROMISE, DO NOT FUCKING TEST ME, CAROLE. THIS IS MY STREET, CAROLE. MINE.

Seasons Greetings, motherfucker, and may God be with you.