You Didn’t Really Want Him. You Wanted to Be Him.
By: Ellen Nguyen
Tags: Self-awareness, Relationships, Love, Psychology, Dating

Use Your “Hurt Locker” as an Opportunity to Grow

The problem with dating a “hurt locker” is that it’s mind-fuckery. One thing can lead to another and, before you know it, you’re psychologically intoxicated by a heavy cocktail of brain chemicals.

All your past issues seem to snowball into one, coming at you at a dangerous speed. As the break-up unravels and reality kicks in, you feel like your existence is being dismantled. Something is broken inside, but you can’t pinpoint what.

The truth you already know is: men and romantic relationships aren’t your answers — you are.

But encountering your “hurt locker” is an incredible opportunity for you to learn about yourself and turn your life around. It’s what I did.

I thought to myself: My “hurt locker” couldn’t give me what I needed — okay. But what is it that I really needed? Why was I so irrationally drawn to him? What did I value so highly in him that I tolerated his bad treatment of me? Why exactly did I value that?

In my case, my attachment to him told me a few core things about myself: I valued hard work, but I didn’t think I was working hard enough. I was convinced that my emotional and introverted nature was holding me back (I was wrong), and I needed security.

I idealised the guy who had nothing in common with me because I didn’t know how to love and value myself.

It was the insight that led me to go to therapy and stop dating altogether.

During 2019, I fought hard against my inner working and started to learn how to meet my own needs. I identified my values and took actions that aligned with those values. I embraced my core gifts and stopped looking at myself through the lens of others — It’s my life; I call the shots; I make it work.

The process was slow and difficult, but it was essential. I felt like I was walking in the dark, but my gut told me that I was going the right way.

It’s my life; I call the shots; I make it work.

Soon, the light came, and guess what — it came from me.

As I gave myself everything I’d been looking for in other people, I was able to see my “hurt locker” for exactly what he was: equally scared, broken, and lost, and definitely not a role model to measure myself against. Well, I could be wrong about him but, frankly, it’s none of my business.

The point is, I looked at him then, not as a reflection of me, but as a separate person who, like everyone else, had something good and bad to learn from. In other words, I stopped objectifying him, and that’s when I was able to let go. As I got on with my blissful life, I naturally became indifferent to him.

Meeting my “hurt locker” was a traumatising experience but, in hindsight, it gave me more than it ever took away from me. In fact, it gave me the rest of my life. For the first time, I stepped into my whole self and felt okay on my own. It closed all the wrong doors and opened so many new ones that were just right for me.

Now that I’m happily engaged, I realise something significant.

There’s a stark difference between the wrong people I dated and the man who is going to be my husband.

I felt pulled towards the “hurt locker” and the guys before him because I hated myself and wanted a life different from mine. However, I chose my fiancé because I loved myself and I loved that he was similar to me.