Are you Stuck in a Pattern of Suffering This Holiday?
By: Clare Lane
Tags: Holiday, Narcissistic Abuse, Narcissism, Suffering, Narcissist

As Christmas approaches it is often the time when we reflect on the situation with our families.

This is especially hard when you are no contact.

Perhaps you miss your family.

Or do you? Really?

Do you miss them or what you hoped they could be for you?

This is the time when I want to ask you about the reality of your family. The more you can reflect on what your family was actually like during these times, the more you can shift things.

Speaking from my experience Christmases were exhausting.

The arrangements were always complicated. Christmases spent between two families, with each family resenting the time we spent with the others.

We rushed around, always trying to please, only to be greeted with sarcastic comments or disinterest when we did arrive.

Gift giving was always difficult.

Receiving gifts felt like a covert dig or as if they had strings attached. (See my blog Weapons of Mass Disappointment- Presents from a Narcissist)

My father, Scrooge

My father was always grumpy. He even made a joke about it and bought himself a ‘Bah Humbug’ (Scrooge) Christmas hat, which he wore with great glee.

The gifts we got, after much thought, and often great expense were thrown to one side.

He made no contribution to the day, except in recent years when he started to write the cards and the gift tags. I know that he had no idea what was in there. He didn’t help with the food or anything. Just sat there, like a black cloud.

My martyr mother

My mother stressed about the various activities, having people over, gifts and cooking. She didn’t enjoy any of it, although a lot of it was her choice.

So, in compensation for them both I had to be extra cheerful and happy. The more my father turned into the Grinch, the happier I had to be.

And YET, although every year was the same, I always looked forward to Christmas.

I forgot about my father the Grinch and my mother the martyr.

There was a part of me that romanced about it all. I thought it was better than it actually was.

Some of it was because I believed their BS image about our family. I thought we were close, I thought we liked to spend time together, I thought I had a caring family.

The first couple of years of no contact I suffered. I hated Christmas.

If I had had my way I would have crawled under a rock from the 10 Dec and stayed there until the 10 Jan.

Somehow all the crap I endured was forgotten.

And worst of all it felt like everyone else had a great family. I felt like they were everywhere, having fun.

I felt left out, I knew that the family Christmas would continue without me. And that no-one would really care that I wasn’t there.

So, down I would go into depression. I felt like a puppet, going through the motions, trying to enjoy it but stuffing down the tears. I would be relieved when it was all over.

Let me tell you a secret. I’ll bet people thought I had a great family! But I know the truth, as do you.

And there are very, very, very few people that actually have families they enjoy spending time with. More people spend time with family because of obligation than anything else.

You are not alone in this.

All you’ve done is acknowledged how toxic they are and taken steps to protect you and your family. Not everyone has the awareness or the strength to do this.

Now I realise the truth and the stress I was under every year.

The pressure to get the right thoughtful and considerate presents within our budget. I barely knew some of the members of the family but I still got them something I thought they would like.

The pressure to make Christmas perfect. My childhood Christmases were long before Facebook, but if they had been now the photos and videos would have been posted all over. It was about the photo opportunities, rather than actually enjoying each other’s company and the day.

The pressure to compensate for absent family members, who chose not to come. Their absence was like a cloud over the day too, like we weren’t good enough and my parents were disappointed that others couldn’t (wouldn’t?!) be there.

The pressure to get the food right. The cakes I cooked, the ways in which I helped decorate and shopping expeditions with my mother.

The pressure to get my father’s gifts for my mother. Every year was the same, he would leave it until the last minute then get me to think of something and get it for her. I hated it. I don’t do last minute shopping, I do it all online! The last year before no contact I wasn’t there for Christmas, he got her a knife block and some knives.

So right now I want you to remember the reality of the Christmases with your family.

Beneath that veneer of the image of a good family, I’ll bet there were tensions between you, your parents, your siblings and the extended family.

Write it down:

What was it actually like?

How much did you spend?

How stressed did you get over the whole holiday, even before it started?

What drama was there?

How did you feel when it was all over?

Was it a relief to get it all over and done with?

Now’s the time to stop suffering!

Right now, you can do what YOU want.

You don’t have to get into debt buying presents for people who don’t appreciate it.

You don’t have to travel anywhere to be greeted with indifference or disinterest.

You don’t have to host it or take food to make up for it.

You don’t have to endure the bad attitude of grumpy or angry family members.

Now you are free to create the holidays that YOU want, with your family of choice.

Or if you are on your own you have the freedom to do exactly what you want.

You can stay in your pjs all day if you want.

Watch movies all day and eat whole tubs of ice-cream.

You can go away for a holiday, some extra sun, or skiing if you want.

I’m going to say it again, YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WANT.

And surely that’s got to better than enduring yet another crappy Christmas?