My body, the temple to wreck.
By: Jenna Borrelli
Tags: Healing, Body Positive, Wellness, Body Image, Health

Content warning: self-harm, body disorders

In recent pop culture tensions and the influx of social media, there has been a massive increase in the body positive and wellness movements. In ways they often are at battle with each other. In one ear I hear, “Eat the damn donut; seize the day, baby!! Who cares if you have stretch marks, you’re imperfections are beautiful.” And in the other ear I hear, “You’re body is a temple. Do not pollute it with toxins and inflammatory foods. It’s better to restrict than to feel like shit later.” Both of these are the internal voices I am battling.

Like many women I know, I’ve had a LIFELONG battle with my body. I remember looking at a school picture of myself from middle school, reflecting how sickly I looked. I wouldn’t have known I was doing any wrong to my body at the time. I was being defiant. I had a friend who introduced me into cutting. And it was this sense of euphoria to deal with bent up frustrations and a lack of self-identity. I limited my eating and would spit food into a napkin as a convenient way to stop myself from indulging.

In high school and college I was heavily medicated due to a laundry list of “diagnosed disorders”. I was a textbook example of fucked up. But it was a bullshit facade for a deeper problem.

After years of knowingly, and often unintentionally, abusing my body, I hit another rock bottom [I’ve hit several rock bottoms meaning this is a very deep cavern I’m climbing myself out of]. All food was making me sick, even “healthy” ones. I was paralyzed with depression and crippling anxiety. I could continue to expose my self-pity laundry list, but let’s move on to the point.

I was told by an alternative, functional medicine specialist that I had severe inflammation in my body. And not the woo woo Goop definition of inflammation, it was the type backed my blood science. I SOBBED when I found out all of my favorite foods, and even “healthy” ones where contributing to my misconfigured body [along with deeply rooted lifestyle habits and other debilitating factors].

I’m taught how to heal my body. I surround myself with social media influencers, bloggers and functional health specialists who continue to provide truth bombs in my health journey. But throughout this whole process I still see the resistance and sometimes I can’t control myself. I eat the donut and do feel like shit afterwards [even though in the moment it feels soooooooo euphoric]. I find myself sneaking slices of pizza when no one is looking because I’m sick of fucking eating salad. But then I hit that rock bottom again. And I felt like shit again. I was throwing a pity party for one.

So here I am again. I feel like a bird with little tears in my wings, still able to fly. A ship with a few dents, but can still sail. I am taking control of my health. I am not going to punish myself for making mistakes, but instead celebrate my daily victories. I am going to be conscious of what I consume on social media. I am going to allow the body positivity and wellness messages live in harmony. I am going to be an agent of change, for myself and others who are going through the same scares in their lives. I am taking control of my life.