Dealing With Depression In Fatherhood
By: Joey Szolowicz
Tags: Depression, Fatherhood, Mindset, Therapy, Mental Health

Dealing With Depression In Fatherhood

Photo by Nathan McDine on Unsplash

Let’s get something out in the open. I am a male who has dealt with depression, anxiety, anger issues, disordered eating, and some pretty gnarly self-talk in my past. If you take a look at the life I present online, you might make the assumption that I’ve got my shit together and always have. You may think that living a healthy and well-rounded life comes naturally to me. You might even think I make it look easy. I want to clear that up… it’s not.

It started in my teenage years with some basic teenage angst manifested in the form of a negative self-perception which evolved into disordered eating and ultimately diagnosed depression. I was sent to see a psychiatrist who put me on meds. I then reluctantly attended therapy well into college. The problem was that at the time, I was riddled with the perceptions of what a true male should look like. I can say that therapy and anti-depressants did not fit the bill in my mind’s eye of what a dude’s dude should be. So, I attended my therapy sessions reluctantly and unwillingly all while washing my anti-depressants down with a few domestic light beers every night.

Eventually (somewhere in my twenties), I decided I wasn’t depressed anymore. This ‘decision’ was ill-founded and arbitrary at best. I stopped all treatment. What I didn’t realize was that in lieu of professional treatment I was about to walk down a path of self-medication through alcohol for the better part of my twenties. This came at a price… a few bouts with the law (which, at the time, I played off as poor decisions based on jager-bombs), some very strained relationships with friends and family, and most importantly I completely lost touch with the type of man I wanted to be. But I played all this off as being A-Okay because I was fun to hang out with at happy hour… even though I was dying a little bit inside both literally and figuratively every day.

The mask of this lifestyle made worked until I got married and had a couple kids. I carried on with this lifestyle for a few years into parenthood, but those of you who are parents out there know that parenthood comes with an entirely new set of social pressures. Having never really coped with my depression in the first place, these pressures built up pretty quickly. This all came to a head a number of years ago when my wife sat me down for an intervention about my anger issues. By this point anger and aggression had become massive symptoms of my underlying depression. She told me that I either needed to deal with this via professional help or that she and I were going to have bigger problems.

I ultimately had to realize and confront a simple truth: I have depression and anxiety and until I deal with it, I’ll never be the parent, husband, or man I want to be.

This was a wake-up call for me. So, I went to work. Here are a few tips I have for any man out there dealing with depression or who has concern for their mental health.

Get therapy, it’s the manliest thing you can do

As a twenty-something year old I was mortified at the prospect of going to see a therapist. During my sessions, I put every effort into outsmarting the counselor by making light of the issues I was dealing with. I now realize that thinking this way was stupid. I just wish I’d realized how stupid it was way was back then. If I had, I would probably be much further along in my journey to living my best life.

Any working father out there knows the pressures. On a day-to-day basis we have lunches to pack, homework to help with, kids to get from A to B, extracurriculars to attend, a career to attend to, a boss or customer who needs that email answered now not later, groceries to buy, bills to pay, financial futures to think about, and much more. Even for a completely sound of mind man… this is a lot.

That being said… It’s OK to get upset, it’s OK to feel overwhelmed, it’s OK to not have every answer, It’s OK to want to talk it out, and most importantly it’s OK to need help.

I have no shame in asking for help from a personal trainer for my fitness, or a mechanic when my car is broken down, or an air conditioner repairman to fix my air conditioner when it breaks on a 100+ degree day. I have no problem asking for help from these individuals, because they are trained professionals skilled in the exact thing, I need help with at that moment. A therapist is no different. They are a highly skilled professional, trained to help you sort through the exact things that seem like a muddy mess in your head.

Since starting therapy back up 3+ years ago, with a more open mind, I have learned tools to sort through the muddiness of life’s challenges. Every session is like having a sounding board who is there just to hear your problems and help you come up with reasonable and actionable solutions for them. Why would we shun that? We shouldn’t. I now truly believe that if we all went to therapy a couple times a month, the world would be a happier place and our family structures would become more sound too.

Take Care of Yourself Physically

It’s a cliché but it’s worth saying… in case of emergency put your own oxygen mask on first. I know that if you’re a parent, you’re busy. I know that the thought of fitting a workout in sounds daunting. I know that just having something on the table for dinner some nights is a victory.

But I also know that you can’t give your best self to those who matter most to you if you aren’t your best self. This truth holds up in most aspects of our life… professionally, emotionally, athletically, and so on. I encourage you to look at your schedule and find ways to fit even just 5 minutes of self-care into your day.

The next time you are thinking things like “there’s no possible way I can fit a workout in today” I encourage you to flip the script… look at it like this “there’s no possible way I can afford NOT to take care of myself physically if I’m going to deliver my best self to those I love”.

Cutting back on alcohol, cleaning up my diet, and making physical fitness normal and non-negotiable parts of my week have exponentially improved my ability to deliver for my family when it matters most.

Communicate with those you love

I fancy myself a decent writer and I have no issue posting well thought out blog posts on social media which communicate a clear and concise idea. You would think that skill might be bred from having stellar interpersonal communication skills with my loved ones. You would be wrong. I have a terribly difficult time conveying emotions and cohesive thoughts about how I’m feeling to my wife, kids, and friends. I don’t like to do it.

The issue is that, for a relationship, poor communication is toxic. Your family is your team and if you can’t communicate with your team, then you are setting yourself up for failure. And in the game, I’m talking about here, the stakes are pretty high.

One of the things I work with my therapist on weekly is how to be a better communicator. This means learning how to speak up meaningfully and non-aggressively when I’m upset and equally importantly how to acknowledge my partner and children when they need to share something.

Some who are close to me might argue that this skill is still not one of my strengths, but I’m working on it and honestly believe you should too.

So why am I sharing this?

This piece has been incredibly challenging to write. There are some truths about me in here that I don’t share lightly. In fact, these are the corners of my mind that I usually try to keep quiet and hidden from the world.

So why am I sharing this? It’s simple… the world would be a better place if more of us were willing to share our experiences in an effort to open up tough conversations. Mental health is stigmatized but I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I see more men being willing to have these conversations. I want you to know that you’re not on your own and that it is ok to have this discussion.

And trust me, if it feels a little ‘un-manly’ to talk about the stigmatized topic of our emotions, worry not, we can go hit a punching bag or shred a trail on a bike together afterwards. I bet your striking power might just feel stronger once you’re not carrying the load of depression, anxiety, and un-checked anger that comes from a world where we don’t talk about this stuff.

Joey Szolowicz is a Lifestyle, Nutrition and Health Blogger and Vlogger. For weekly tips join, his community here.