Canine Committee Minutes February 2020
By: Aliza R
Tags: Writing, Dogs, Conspiracy Theories, Humor, Creativity

It is my pleasure for me Elsa, First Collie Cross of England, to welcome back the international canine committee and their human staff members for a vital discussion. Apologies to new joiners Fifi-Trixibelle, Luna and Apple, the celebrity baby name support group is in the other room. The buffet today is bought to you by the dogs last year who organised “Veganuary” as a way to covertly acquire supermarket’s discounted meat. We were seeking sponsorship from Weight Watcher’s for any size-conscious dogs but when we asked dogs about their size they all listed themselves as “perfect”. We are proud to host dogs today from all over the world, but unlike the human UN we have action points from our meetings. As ever, we have the yearly permanent agenda items:

1. How to get humans to spend more time with us?

The committee unanimously agreed we need to think creatively on this. If only there were a reason for them to not leave their houses unless absolutely necessary. We’ve tried looking mournfully at them, digging up the garden and stealing food supplies, but to no avail. It’s time to invoke an international canine conspiracy and keep humans at home by any means necessary.

The committee has reached a majority verdict after receiving ideas from all of its members. Congratulations to the right honourable Zhenzhen, First Chow Chow of Wuhan, who recommended blaming both the wet market and the local laboratory for a virus outbreak. The lack of clarity will undoubtedly leave humans mystified for many months and allow dogs to spend quality time with their owners.

Luckily our status as man’s best friend will protect us from suspicion and we can blame bats. Nobody keeps pet bats voluntarily. The feline species may not thank us for this, but it’s time their humans learnt the infinite superiority of dogs. This neatly leads me to the next agenda item.

2. Cats: for or against?

In regard to the second item, the majority have spoken in that we see ourselves as cat’s personal fitness trainers and that unless very young or elderly — cats are to be chased. It is also useful for humans to have to run after us and elevate their heart rates, as dogs we cannot encourage our neighbouring cats, humans or squirrels to live sedentary lifestyles. Any human that fails to express gratitude for the service we provide or is not sufficiently engaged with our physical needs should be forced to undergo training.

It has sadly come to our attention that there are human road users who interrupt the joy of cat chasing. The human use of vehicles provides cats with both ways to escape our pursuit and hazards to the dogs lacking road sense. Since cars are used by cats to outwit us and by humans to transport us to the vet, the committee has decided there is no merit in them. We will contact our beloved ally Greta Thunberg to discourage road use for environmental reasons and achieve our aims without humans realising our involvement.

3. Which humans deserve to own dogs?

We love humans unconditionally, but they do not always do the same for us. Every human should have to take a test on what dog ownership requires. We have identified these fundamental yes/no questions:

1. Can you leave a dog for 8 hours?

2. Are dogs not allowed to sniff each other’s butts?

3. Do you object to having a dog nudge you at the dinner table?

4. Should you buy a puppy without checking the legitimacy of the breeder?

If your human cannot answer no to all these questions, they should consider goldfish as pets instead.

Likewise, dog raincoats should not be worn unless they have a practical value. Any human that spends more time taking photos of their dog in a raincoat than walking should have their phone chewed by a Labrador.

The committee will be pleased to know that I have finally managed to bury my pink raincoat, but attempts to provide a personal training program for the neighbourhood cats and squirrels remain unappreciated. Owners will be subject to retraining.

4. How to increase the food supply?

It has come to our attention that humans may eat on occasion without us staring and demanding our rightful share. This is wholly unacceptable. All meals without the presence of dogs should be prevented immediately unless they are at gourmet restaurants. Even we have to admit that the portions there are too small for us to demand our share. This points to the inevitable conclusion that as many meals as possible should be eaten at home. As mentioned with the first agenda item, First Chow Chow Zhenzhen’s operation must commence as soon as possible.

Having agreed action points on the permanent agenda items, we must turn to the items added by popular request. There is an abundance of photogenic cockapoos and a continued lack of appreciation for rescue dogs. This committee has no problem with cockapoos, but feels the less photogenic dogs should be given a photo opportunity with Ariana Grande or Paul O’Grady to compensate for any feelings of insecurity. Hopefully if we can find a way of forcing humans to stay at home they will realise that all the rescue dogs, despite their lack of an Instagram following, need love and will adopt them.

We are proud today of our facilitation of meaningful canine international cooperation, something humans are yet to achieve. Having addressed the new items in the agenda we would like to thank everyone who travelled here today, in particular the right honourable canine security council. With delegations from the USA, UK, France, China, and Russia working together harmoniously, the planet may be divided, but dogs have proven they can work together as a force for good. This is why our motto is “In canibus speramus”, in dog we trust. So concludes today’s meeting and may dogs be with you.