This Is Why You Keep Sabotaging Your Consistency
By: Jordin James
Tags: Advice, Mental Health, Self Improvement, Self, Psychology

How to transform your saboteurs into allies

There are so many different avenues to transforming your saboteurs into allies, so I’ll just give you the framework that is working for me.

Also worth noting: These steps can happen in succession or all at the same time. Inner processes don’t usually follow a linear progression so feel free to flow in and out of these steps based on what works for you.

Lastly: The book recommendations in this section are all affiliated links.

Step 1: Learn the most helpful framework for dealing with your parts in general.

The Internal Family Systems modality has taught me everything I need to know about the inner physics of transforming my parts. You can check out the article I wrote on it here:

But I strongly encourage you to listen to Greater Than The Sum Of Our Parts by Dr. Richard Schwartz. It is honestly the most life-changing book I’ve ever read because it revolutionized my relationship with myself as well as boosted my self-awareness.

I would not be able to write this article if it wasn’t for this book. Learning the IFS framework is a must if you want to successfully — and permanently — unburden and transform your parts.

Step 2: Identify your saboteurs.

Shirzad Chaimne has pioneered a groundbreaking system of identifying and weakening saboteurs through his Positive Intelligence program that combines positive psychology, neuroscience, cognitive psychology, and performance science.

There is a free saboteur assessment on his website that I highly recommend taking. You have to enter your email to get the results, but the results are so worth it. You’ll get a detailed description of the saboteurs at play in your inner-war which will help you start a relationship with them.

Check out the free Positive Intelligence saboteur test here:

The only thing I don’t find helpful about the Positive Intelligence program is that it paints your saboteurs as “bad parts,” putting you at war with your saboteurs instead of in a relationship with them. The problem with this is that it offers no hope for your saboteurs to be redeemed by going back to their naturally helpful role, which limits you from experiencing true internal synergy and sets you up to war against a part of yourself for the rest of your life.

However, there are so many wonderful teachings of the Positive Intelligence framework that I absolutely recommend taking the course (which I am in the middle of right now and can honestly say it is incredibly transformative) or at least reading his book, Positive Intelligence.

Step 3: Cultivate a compassionate inner environment.

Creating a compassionate and safe inner environment is the biggest thing that will convince your saboteurs that they don’t have to work so hard to protect you anymore because self-compassion is inherently self-protecting and self-soothing.

This is why I say compassion is the great un-twister of all that has been twisted. This especially goes for self-compassion. When we are compassionate to ourselves we become strong and flexible enough weather the storms of life. We can bend, but not break. We might need a breather, but we don’t give up. We move between play and rest instead of pushing ourselves too hard and burnout.

A compassionate mind is a thriving mind. And a thriving mind breeds fulfilling consistency.

We were never taught self-compassion or how to be our own best friends. We were taught the opposite, actually, hence our saboteurs.

We must teach ourselves how to be more compassionate, and we do this by consuming content that is not the voice of our saboteurs.

I recommend reading books like the seriously transformative Self-Compassion by Kristen Neff or Learning to Love Yourself by Gay Hendricks (paid links). The book I mentioned in Step 1, Greater Than The Sum Of Our Parts also promotes a more compassionate inner-environment.

If you’re tight on money or don’t read books, I suggest finding some podcasts that help people improve their relationship with themselves. I know Brené Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us, has definitely helped me be more compassionate to myself and others.

If you have your own go-to inner work podcast(s) or free resources, please post them in the comments for myself others to explore.

The last thing I want to offer about creating a more compassionate inner environment is to foster a mindfulness practice or, for the more secularly oriented, practice what the Positive Intelligence framework calls “PQ reps” which are 10-second exercises you can do throughout the day.

Jon Kabat-Zinn, Tara Brach, and Dan Siegel are all great mindfulness teachers. You can check out the “PQ Gym” section of the Positive Intelligence’s Resources page for more information on PQ reps.

The reason meditation, mindfulness, and PQ reps are helpful in transforming your saboteurs into your allies is that they help slow your mind down enough to become aware of the conversations that are actually going on in there. Furthermore, when you are hi-jacked by a saboteur, the practice of mindfulness is the command-switch that helps your brain switch over to a more compassionate and curious environment.

Step 4: Transform your saboteurs into allies.

This is the part where you begin having conversations with your saboteurs. I know these parts are scary and frustrating, but it is important to begin these inner-dialogues with compassion. Otherwise, you’ll just be perpetuating your inner war and never get anywhere.

Build a relationship with your saboteurs by getting curious about their stories. Some great questions you can ask them are:

What is your current role? What are you trying to do for me?

Why did you have to twist into this role? How did you have to twist?

What are you afraid will happen if you don’t play this role any longer?

If it was safe to thrive and you didn’t have to work so hard to protect our little kid anymore, what role would you rather play?

Do they realize that their current role is hurting your inner child more than it is helping it?

When you can get to the point of having compassion for your saboteurs and their story, you know you’re ready to begin the work of transformation. Many saboteurs will tell you they are tired of their current role, especially once they see they are hurting more than helping, but that they don’t know or can’t remember how to do anything else. Let them know this is totally normal and you don’t expect them to change all at once.

Transforming saboteurs is a dance between their commitment to changing their harmful habits little by little as well as your commitment to creating a more compassionate inner environment little by little.

Over time, your saboteur will realize it is safe to be vulnerable in your compassionate mind so it will take more risks through changing its habits, which will only create a more compassionate environment — creating a positive cycle. This is the consistency before the consistency.

I encourage you to check in with your saboteurs (and all your parts, really) every day. Just see how it’s going. This is how you start building a compassionate relationship with yourself. One that honors all parts of you. One that fosters consistency.

I am a writer so I usually check in with my parts through journaling, but even just taking a few minutes each day to touch base and see what’s going on inside of you is enough to build positive momentum.

Okay — last thing about transforming your saboteurs into allies.

Our saboteurs are protecting us from experiencing our wounds. They will keep protecting us from those wounds until they are healed. Permanently healing those wounds is what IFS practitioners call “unburdening.”

When our wounds are unburdened, there is nothing for our saboteurs to protect, so therefore they are freed up to untwist and go back to playing a role that helps us thrive.

Unburdening and healing our wounds is a deep process, though. One that takes time and usually someone to help guide us. This is why I recommend getting a therapist or coach to help guide you on your journey of inner transformation. The more IFS-oriented your therapist or coach, the better.