How to Discover Who Your Sexual Self Is
By: Emma London
Tags: Sex, Relationships, Sexuality, Advice, Self

How to Discover Who Your Sexual Self Is

For a fulfilled sex life, you must know what you like. Here’s how you’ll learn it.

Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

Having good sex and having mind-blowing sex are two different things. One is average and mundane, the other is the all-mighty of sex. For all my adulthood I’ve only experienced the first version.

I had sex “regularly”, most of the times with pleasurable orgasms. Yet, I always felt there would be more about sex — I was sure I was missing something out.

It took me a long time (too long) to finally discover what I like sexually. It took me years to meet my true sexual self.

Now that I did — I’m sexually fulfilled as I never was — I regret never invested in finding my sexual self.

Looking at my past and moaning about it doesn’t do me any good. But it might help other people that, as I did, have a sensation that they can achieve more from their sex lives: they can escalate their “good sex” to “absolutely fucking amazing sex”.

If you feel — even if slightly — there’s something you’re not getting from sex, I suggest you follow the tips below. Trust me, they are a gold mine!

1. Educate Yourself

Read sex blogs and expertise books

My sexual life improved so, so much since I started reading sex bloggers and expertise books.

Between both, I prefer bloggers; reading personal opinions, experiences, and suggestions opened my mind, it empowered me.

Books are a useful tool, they have a more technical perspective, which is great. Still, I get more benefits from bloggers.

The one book I recommend is Come as you are, by Emily Nagoski. As a woman that struggled to orgasm without tons of stimulation, this book had a positive impact on my sex life. Spoiler alert: most of the times, it’s all in your head.

Reading sex bloggers empowered me, as a woman and as a sexual being.

Through sex bloggers, I get different perspectives on sexual dynamics (like the pieces Bradlee Bryant writes on the swing lifestyle). I get inspired by the sex-positivity and female strength that writers like Demeter deLune and Meaghan Ward show. Their vision is contagious, it helps you to embrace your femininity and your sexual self with full honesty.

It was with my lover that I first got contact with BDSM, and it was with him I learned I’m a kinkster. In our relationship, I explore my sexuality in ways I never thought I would.

But my sexual development and curiosity are also teased and fed by sex bloggers, like the amazing Holly Bradshaw. The personal pieces she writes about her kinks are fabulous, as are her views on female sexuality.

I state with all confidence that sex bloggers changed my life.

They still do! I keep learning, I still get curious about things I didn’t even know existed; I get inspired and very important: I feel I belong.

Many people, when thinking about their fetishes, kinks or fantasies might feel “weird”; like there’s something “wrong” with them. I never felt like that; what I felt was frustration, a hunger I had to satisfy, but I didn’t know how.

Sex bloggers helped me to think about every sexual dynamic — in any form and shape — as normal. Not any other label apart from: normal.

In sex, as long it’s safe, sane and consensual, there is no such this as “wrong” or “weird”.

Embrace your kinks, your fantasies and desires. Let go of embarrassments, shames or fears. You are as you are, and you deserve all the pleasure you can get.

Read Erotica

Like with so many others, the book Fifty Shades of Grey was an eye-opening for me.

Before reading it, I had heard about BDSM, but it was the first time that I read about it, so detailed. The book had a great impact on me; it was like a seed that was put in the back of my brain. Unfortunately, I never watered it. For me, the BDSM world was something inaccessible, almost unreal. How wrong I was.

I was married at the time and because of my shyness in talking about sex and my potential desires with my then-husband — or with anybody else —, I let go a good opportunity to uncover a part of me that was begging to be released.

I read the E. L. James collection several times, always feeling an urge to try with the spanking and the flogging, being tied up and blindfolded.

I wanted to feel the borderline sensations the book was making me imagine. I became curious about pain-pleasure.

Through erotica, I got the sense I had found a part of my sexuality I should explore. I just didn’t know how.

Now, thinking about the book, I see it as soft reading. I live BDSM in a more erotic, powerful and pleasurable way; much more intense than my imagination ever allowed me.

Reading erotica will open your mind, it will show you things you didn’t know existed; it will push you to pursue your sex fantasies. Or creating new ones.

When reading it, dissect what turned you on, what specifically caught your attention. Also, think about what you immediately discard as a potential experience. It’s all information about yourself.

Watch porn

Porn also did wonders for my sexuality (still does).

My sex life became more varied and enriched because of porn. It spiced my curiosity about sex positions, and it also helped me with dirty talk.

Not that I particularly enjoy the dirty talk in porn, for me it always sounds fake and mechanical — often, the words the actors' voice don’t match the level of arousal they’re showing. Even so, porn had a major role in my dirt talk development.

Porn also became a fun and curious activity to do as a couple. My partner loves to watch porn and sometimes we do it together. We get aroused by it and then reproduce a scene/sketch we watched or, inspired by the horniness it gave us, we have amazing sex.

Like with erotica, when watching porn, ask yourself why you get excited about a specific scene or dynamic. Was it the position, or imagining yourself with another person (a threesome)? Don’t be shy, you’re alone with your thoughts.

Also, do the exercise in its opposite: what pulled you away in the scene? And why?

By asking the questions, you will get answers; which will help you build your individual profile.

Research on specific topics

If you find you have a sexual preference, a kink or a fetish, do yourself a favour and research about it. I wish I’d done that, years ago!

As I said above, after starting dating my partner, I learned I’m a kinkster. I love impact play and Domination/Submission sexual dynamics, among other scenes under the BDSM umbrella.

However, I had this in me — the all time!

I had the obligation to offer myself the pleasure I was hungry for; not to wait for a man to came into my life and showed it to me. I’m glad he did, but it’s my pleasure, it’s my sexual life, I’m responsible for it. I should have done more for myself.

The moment I started exploring my true sexual self, I also started researching on the BDSM theme. I was lost, I didn’t know what was “out there”.

Reading about kinks, fetishes and BDSM was the best thing I could do for my sex life. It freed me from mental restraints; it taught me new techniques and showed me how pleasurable sex can be.

2. Know yourself

You might say that knowing yourself should be the first step in the process of sexual self-discovery. I wouldn’t disagree. However, with me, it didn’t happen in that order.

It was only after I educated myself sexually that I adopted a different mindset and began to explore my intimacy on a different level.

Before, I would masturbate to have an orgasm, to relieve my stress or accumulated sexual energy. Only after I educated myself, I opened my horizons.

I then bought a few sex toys — a vibrator, kegel balls, and a clitoral vibrator — and started to explore my pleasures using them. I also started watching porn and masturbate at it.

Educating myself opened doors that before were closed to me. I became more daring in private, which, later, allowed me to be more daring in partnered sex.

Sex-exploration is a great way to know how your body responds to stimulus: where and how your arousal escalates; what your erogenous points are and how you like them explored.

3. Visit a sex shop

Sex shops are a world. Even if you don’t buy anything, by browsing the toys and all the products available, you learn very much about sexuality and its potential.

They are also a fun date. I love to go with my partner to a sex shop, we always get super creative.

Sex shops are a great way to educate yourself. You can ask a member of staff to advise you on a certain sex toy or to suggest something for you to try, according to your preferences and desires.

I know, this can be intimidating, but the staff is there for that: to clarify the customers about the sex shop products and to advice. Think it like this: you’re going to talk to a stranger, that is available to help in a judgement-free way. Also, you possibly will never see that person again (unless you become a regular, which is great!).

4. Talk to your partner

If you’re in a relationship and you embraced the path of sexual discovery, your partner should be part of it. In a more advanced stage, at least. You can start on your own, reserved, exploring your mindset and the world around you.

When you start to uncover your sexual self, bring your partner on board. It can be daunting to talk about sex with your partner, especially if you’re going to say you are not fully satisfied with your sex life. But it has to be said.

The outcome will depend on how you put things. There are no blames nor guilty parts; just natural evolution. People change, sexuality evolves.

Who knows if you’re going to be surprised and your partner wants to try the same things you do!

Talking about your desires is the first step to make them become reality. Besides, putting in practise your research and theoretical learnings is the best way to grow.