Going Back HOME
By: Razik Mohammad Basheer
Tags: Daydreaming, Thoughts And Feelings, Fiction, Family, Thought Provoking

It was five days ago, when i got a call from my brother asking me the same question “When are you coming home ?”. “Saturday”…. I told my brother with a little hesitation in my voice. He caught that and the next thing he said struck me hard even now when i think about it. “Look, i don't wanna put you into some guilt trip thing and I am honestly happy for where you are at with your life. But you have a home here and people who want to be with you”.

I was working on a video game adaptation of a film called ‘Bhadran’ for a studio called “Big Panda Games”. A lot of independent works and convincing was needed to land me where i was, but right now I am on a plane back to home. A decision everyone in my social circle hated. I was alone, the feeling of not being able to be there for my family and the my friends reaction to my impractical decision hit me hard.

I felt really low to a point where i had to stress eat a lot snacks in my bag to relax. A habit i promised myself i would get rid off for eight years now. My decision was impulsive, but it was good that it happened or i would have never quit the place.

I consoled myself. “It would be fine. Just go home and start working on independent projects. Be active on community to sell games better”. The reason why i wanted to go back was the same reason i came here. I was missing something in my life. On surface level, life was going well. Lot of friends. Great job. Except great life. It all felt empty, felt like i was running away from something.

To be honest it was not good at home either. It was almost a dysfunctional relationship. We don't talk much, and my parents was always insecure about letting be in charge of anything. This gave me a desire to move out and become independent. The affection i missed from them, i started seeking it in anyone i met. Which led to many breakup, friendship getting derailed and lot more unpleasant memories. Until i realized i was wrong in doing it. When you seek something desperately you turn blind eye to people who love you and become self centered to a point where you start pushing away people and tell yourself nobody wants you.

It took a lot of self help and professional help to fix it. So why am I going back home if its the reason i went away from it ?. Cause its the only place i feel like belong and dysfunctional or not your parents are the only ones who can give you unconditional love even if its not the way you desire it to be. There is a bakery near town 3km away from my home. Every time I am driving back to home, it doesn't matter where i am coming from but when i reach the town and see those familiar small shop, it gives me inexplicable amount of relief.

I know what to expect from my parents. Their reaction will be drastically different compared to those Bollywood movies with family reunion. I don't even expect Vin diesel level of family love. But still, I am playing it in my head how the reunion is gonna be. I am guessing it would be like Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Ghum, Mom sensing my presence and turning back to see me. Dad with tears in his eyes and exchanging lot of dramatic lines instead of conversation. Our house is now a set and we all are looking at the camera and doing dance number. But life doesn't work that way. Its gonna be small talk and awkward conversation with barely any eye contact.

ETA is 2 hours and 30 mins to reach Kochi. Time to watch the new Batman movie ? maybe but i mind was consumed with thoughts of my family, so the best to do was play episodes of everything happened for last 19 years unfiltered.