Blind Rage Is Kinda My Jam
Tags: Emotional Intelligence, Anger, Anger Management, Anxiety

(I wrote this about a month ago, I’m a little bit saner now)

Name one person you know that’s 100% not a hypocrite.

That was a weird ass opener. For real, though. I need to be proven wrong.

Whether it’s yourself or someone else, I need you to tell me the name of one person who says a thing, or a bunch of things, and sticks by them unwaveringly, all the time.

I am not one of those people, but I hope they exist… because if they do, then I would like to be one of them.

Now, I know you’re thinking something along the lines of: “Oh, wow! Percy’s growing up. He wants to grow and become a better person!”

And I just really need you to know that you are very wrong. Completely. I’m not trying to rid myself of hypocrisy for any moral reasons. Okay, maybe a little, but the real reason I want to be completely sincere in my dealings and my actions and my feelings is much more diabolical.

It’s because I want to become the most sanctimonious motherfucker you ever saw. Don’t know what “sanctimonious” means? Yeah well I didn’t know either until I accidentally googled it a minute ago while I was trying to look up another word. And if you do know what it means, just get out. It’s disrespectful to know.

Basically, I’m trying to have the moral high ground for no other reason than to Lord it over EVERYONE!!! Just be as holier-than-thou as I possibly can.

Oh, you sneezed into your palm instead of your elbow? You’re going to hell! I could create a bunch more scenarios and really milk this thing for a fat paragraph, but I’m not going to do that. Because that would be dumb.

Anyways, I’m a hypocrite. It’s true. I do hypocritical things. What I say and what I do are often in direct opposition. And in all honesty, I feel like we all act that way.

I also feel like that’s a lie I tell myself to make me feel better; like I’m projecting my flaw(s) onto the rest of humanity to make me feel less alone in my shitty-ness as a person.

So please, if you know anybody that’s 0% hypocritical, introduce me.

I just looked at the title and remembered I hadn’t addressed it. I can’t give complete details, but blind rage really is my jam. It’s a thing that happens and it’s a thing I’m trying to grow past.

Picture it like this.

A donkey walking down the desert street, as donkeys do. He’s walking on his hind legs because he’s a bit of a freak, and then a camel fucking spits on him. He brays the tune of the McDonald’s jingle because he’s cool like that, and keeps walking.

This time, the camel screams “Humanoid freak! Go back to civilization, you fooken weirdo!” Idk why the camel has whatever accent that is, and neither does the donkey. Now, our donkey friend keeps going. The camel leaves him alone and then a desert housefly in the desert flies straight up Donkey’s asshole. Why? Cuz there’s shit in there and Fly doesn’t have enough patience or lifespan to wait for it to drop.

“Please fly out of my asshole, Fly.” the donkey pleads.

“No. Fuck you!” buzzes the fly

“Why not?” cries the donkey, tears in his little donkey eyes.

“Because we hate you!” buzz Fly and the little fly babies she just had in the donkey’s asshole.

Donkey eventually shits them out and goes through a bunch more minor inconveniences before finally snapping on a sheep that accidentally laughed at his fucked up donkey teeth.

If you didn’t already know, the donkey is me. I was going to use a boiling kettle as a euphemism but I feel like that’s been done before, once or twice.

Maybe the inconveniences in my life aren’t as extreme as a fly laying eggs in my butthole, but they come through, and I repress and ignore and basically swallow them up until I’m a big ball of pent up rage that doesn’t know the difference between someone accidentally breathing too close to me and someone running my wife over with a tractor.

It’s a problem, I’m aware. But wetin man go do? Learn to express my emotions in a healthy way before they become volatile and explosive? Don’t be stupid.

Unless I don’t. Watch this space (or just stalk me in real life) to find out.

Please don’t stalk me in real life.

I was joking.

Please.

Thank you.