When Should I Break Up with My Therapist?
By: The Transgender Therapist
Tags: Therapy, Advice, Mental Health, Personal Development

Photo by Jonas Allert on Unsplash

Therapists are meant to provide a space for you to process feelings, voice things that you may feel vulnerable or sad about, get an outside perspective, and have unconditional positive regard. Sometimes, that doesn’t go according to plan, and you can be left with pain and frustration. How do you move forward? And when do you call it quits to start over with a new therapist?

Address the rupture

TalkSpace and other online platforms advertise their services to be positive in part due to “users” beings able to switch therapists at the drop of a hat. With a few clicks, TalkSpace users can manage their subscription and select “change provider” — as if you were requesting a new HBOMax add-on for Hulu. I hate companies like BetterHelp and TalkSpace for several reasons, but this particular aspect of these platforms does not encourage clients to think through this decision carefully (it doesn’t help that BetterHelp offers clinicians “retention incentives” for getting clients to stay in therapy longer, even if they don’t need it).

Changing therapists is always your right, but it’s worth taking some time to think it through. Of course, there are some times that therapists say or do something that makes it unsafe to continue, such as saying something racist, homophobic, ableist, xenophobic or any other statement that undermines your identity or safety. While therapists are expected to hold themselves to an ethical standard, there will always be exceptions. Just like any other field, there are therapists who are not very good at their jobs.

That being said, switching to a new therapist without talking it through should not be the norm when clients feel hurt. Therapists are human too, so they are bound to make mistakes and not always understand how you feel about the way they work with you. If you don’t bring up something uncomfortable or upsetting that happened in session, you are missing an opportunity to experience what it’s like to resolve a conflict in a supportive space. Even worse, you will set yourself up to have the same problem with your next therapist. Without giving your therapist the opportunity to course correct, you will continue to feel misunderstood and frustrated — especially if you keep having to start over.

When you allow your therapist to apologize and move on, it can strengthen your bond and help you trust them even more.

Photo by Fabrizio Verrecchia on Unsplash

Give it time

Clients who have a really great therapeutic relationship in the past may compare their experiences in a way that does not give the new therapist a chance. While your new therapist may not be as talented with explaining the neuroscience behind anxiety, they might have new art-focused techniques or have insights about your family that your last therapist didn’t explore as much. It always takes time to build trust and rapport.

Studies show time and time again that the relationship itself is one of the best indicator of outcomes, or the progress that a client experiences. While it can be obvious at times that you don’t “click” with a therapist, other times you can grow in appreciation for them as time goes on. Most therapists need to gather background information and context so they can understand where you’re coming from, so it usually takes a couple sessions before you can dive in.

Look for the right fit

Think about what’s most important to you when looking for a new therapist, and keep your bullet points in mind when you ask for a consultation. Many therapists will have a 15 minute initial conversation with you to introduce themselves and their style of therapy, and to hear more about what you’d like to work on. Use this time to clearly state what you’re seeking and any specifics that you may have.

For example, some clients might say “I need a really direct therapist who will tell it like it is,” and others might say “I’m looking for EMDR” or “I need a lot of guidance because I’m new to therapy and can be quite shy.” The more honest you are in the beginning, the better of a chance you will match up with your new therapist well. This is especially important for those who have a specific life concern, such as chronic illness, specific mental health diagnoses, being part of a marginalized group or trauma history.

Cost is an important part of the puzzle, as well. Some therapists offer “sliding scale” fees, meaning that for a limited number of clients, they will charge below their typical fee to accommodate your income and life circumstance (such as being a student or single parent). Contacting community mental health agencies and consulting your insurance’s provider directory can help you find someone who takes your insurance.

Leaving therapy for positive reasons

Sometimes, you want to leave therapy because things are going really well! Maybe your depression is beginning to lift, your conflict with your best friend feels resolved, or you found a job you love. This is one of the most exciting moments in a therapeutic journey, because it means that you have done a lot of work and are enjoying the benefits of everything you’ve explored with your therapist. You can say this directly to your therapist — “These days, things seem to be going pretty well and I don’t have much to talk about in session. What can we do to finish up and move on?”

Some people feel more comfortable with “weaning off” of therapy. For example, you may have started with weekly sessions, and then you feel comfortable moving to biweekly. Others like to stay in “maintenance therapy” of once a month, or doing brief check-ins every three months or so. If you aren’t ready to completely end the relationship, you can always ask to see them less frequently until you feel like you can move on. This will also be up to the therapist’s discretion, as they are not always able to keep clients who come very infrequently. Have a discussion about this and find the right solution for you.

Have a clean break

Please don’t ghost your therapist! Unless something really harmful has occurred — such as the therapist saying something bigoted or acting in an inappropriate and/or sexual way toward you — this can be such a good opportunity to practice managing potential conflict and discomfort with saying goodbye. I say this despite having done this in the past, and I’m a therapist myself! My therapist deserved to know why I decided to no longer work with her. While you are the priority in this relationship, it’s important to remember that your therapist would like to improve and avoid making similar mistakes in the future, if something has occurred that upset you. They are a person, too, and this is the most respectful thing to do.

Good therapists will not attack you for wanting to end the relationship, even if the reasons are due to feeling dissatisfied with your care. If it feels too daunting to tell your therapist during session, it is always okay to let them know during a phone call or email. This will always be preferable to simply discontinuing therapy without any stated reasoning. If you decide to start with a new therapist because you don’t feel your needs are being met, your current therapist can help you find someone who is more experienced with your particular concerns or refer you to professionals for other resources, including medication.

Photo by Nathan McBride on Unsplash

Often, one of the most therapeutic aspects of these relationships is saying goodbye. This is especially the case if you are moving on because you feel that you have met your goals, or you are seeking more specialized care. You can always go over your progress, and your therapist will likely have encouraging and positive things to say about your work together. Give them a chance to make a clean break with you — you’ll have the chance to say how you really feel, and your therapist will carry your feedback (positive and negative) with them to future clients. Good luck!