Experiencing Transness: What the f*ck is non-binary?
By: A. Webster
Tags: Non Binary, LGBTQ, Transgender

(TW: transphobia, swearing, cissexism)

I could write this article by giving a bland definition, throwing in a few photos, and calling it a day, but I’m not. There needs to be more explanation behind the phrase “I’m non-binary.”

How do we experience gender? I challenge anyone reading this article to ponder: “What makes me, my gender?” And to some, that might be a threatening concept, that the idea of questioning your gender is suddenly a taboo topic. Upon considering one’s gender, we can realize the majority if not entirety of one’s gender can be rooted in harmful generalities and stereotypes. Also keeping in mind modern conventions of beauty that are inherently two things: Very white and very rooted in patriarchal standards of “beauty”. And if you don’t fit these requirements, you’re told that you’re inferior until you meet these requirements. Challenging these oppressive structures can be liberating. But not everyone has the access to the safety net I do. I have the privilege of being a white, able bodied, non-intersex, college-educated, DFAB (designated female at birth) trans person in California. Because of these privileges I don’t experience many of the oppressive behaviors that occur to my trans siblings across the globe. Just this year alone, over 20 transwomen/transfeminine people have been murdered. I’m a very femme presenting person and when you look at me you don’t immediately register something as being “different” from the gender binary. Which in of itself, is a fucked up thing to think about someone at first glance. Gender in our society is centuries of binary thinking that is immediately threatened at the first hint of anything as the “other.” We’ve seen this time and time again in our readings, especially when discussing gender in the Lauretis article, The Technology of Gender, when she states that the “representation of gender is a construct.” She is alluding to the fact that how we experience gender is a constructed concept. Gender is a construction based on binaries and biology. These binaries restrict and oppress people based on their genitalia, essentially. The metaphorical ivory tower can be blamed for this train of thought, primarily based on Freud. Between penis envy and castration anxiety, people are reduced to their genitalia and all of this discussion revolves around the “male body” (which is also a really fucked up phrase since not all males have penises and some females do have penises, go figure.). The leader of psychoanalytic thought legitimately believed that all people with vaginas secretly wanted a penis and all people who have penises are afraid of a vagina metaphorically castrating them. That is something that is legitimately influencing our theory today. Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?

Of course, you might be asking, “But Alix, What about intersex people? What about non-binary people?” I’m glad you asked, this is all part of a binary system that influences every aspect of our lives, male/female, gay/straight, black/white, right/wrong, true/false. All of these are binaries and anyone who doesn’t fit into these binaries are inherently “wrong” or made out to be the “other” and this other is cast our socially and ridiculed or oppressed to the point of brutal murders or driving people to suicide. Trans people do not fit into these binaries or these standards of binaries (“passing” as your true gender is one of those oppressive requirements, more on this later.) Which drives many trans people to hide their trans status and live their lives in stealth*.

I had the privilege of moderating a discussion for my student group called Asterisk, we are a transgender identified and allies group on campus and we try to orchestrate discussions about gender and work as advocates and activists on our campus for trans rights. In our last discussion, we talked about how we experienced gender and how we fall into gender stereotypes in an attempt to “pass”* as our desired gender. Of course, this isn’t always how things work. As a gender non-conforming person, there isn’t really a rule book of how to “pass” as my gender because it’s consistently been erased. On top of that, the ideal for the androgynous non-binary “look” is inherently a DFAB person, dressed in a masculine nature, white, and thin. Society rejects anything else as false and not true androgyny. Ruby Rose and Kristen Stewart are examples of these standards that people who identify as androgynous are held too. Now imagine what that must be like for a person of color, a disabled person, a DMAB person, a fat person. These standards of non-binary beauty is harmful and drive us to extremes in the name of “fitting the mold.”

Ruby Rose

Kristen Stewart

And if someone doesn’t fit this very specific mold, how on earth could they possibly be anything but cisgender*? I’m here to tell you that what you’ve thought about gender is dead wrong.

I exist outside of the binary. I don’t belong to one or the other, my identity doesn’t allow it. I am constantly questioning the world around me and how the world interacts with my gender just as my gender interacts with the world. It is a confusing concept but it’s helped me develop this sense of identity that I would have never found within a binary. I’m not a boy, but I’m not a girl either. I am simply a person.