What I learned from joining 17 online dating sites
By: Shamontiel L. Vaughn
Tags: Interracial Relationships, Dating, Singles, Online Dating, Okcupid

Have a Plan B in case Plan A doesn’t work out. After ditching eharmony for terrible matches within less than one week, I stuck to Match and OkCupid. (Un)fortunately, I was contacted by a Match almost immediately after joining the site. I had the time of my life passing and liking profiles on OkCupid and even went on a few dates, but I liked my “Match” so I stopped logging in to OkCupid. Fast-forward about two months, Christmas and a new year, and we fell out multiple times. I took the handful of things that he’d left at my place and put them outside his door. When I’m done, I’m done. We never spoke again.

I was a little frustrated about that but noticed an email from OkCupid about earning a “Most Attractive” status. I had no idea what that was, so I logged on and saw a large amount of “Likes” from people I’d “Liked” and completely forgotten about. I went straight down the list, responding to a few. Just like that, I was back in action. I realized fairly quickly that I’d blew through two months of a six-month paid membership. In all fairness, me and the other guy did agree to be monogamous. However, I never shut down my account. I paid my money, and I still wasn’t sure that this was a sure thing. During the remaining months, I was going out on weekdays and weekends. I had a blast! (And no, I did not sleep with anybody else within that time frame. Some people are excellent at removing the mental from the physical; I am not.)

Don’t ignore other forms of online dating — like Amazon. I know the online retailer may seem like an odd place to find a date, but I can legitimately say that I did end up dating an Amazon user a few years back. It was by accident though. At the time, I was a hardcore book, movie and music reviewer. I was so heavy into reviewing that I was also in the Amazon Vine program (and still have the free, expensive wok to prove it). I noticed that one guy just kept reviewing the same stuff that I was, and he was also from Chicago.

Photo credit: Cottonbro/Pexels

A third reviewer, who apparently had our same taste, lived in London. After more than a year of us reviewing the same products, our friend from London blurted out in one of the comment boards that the two of us should go out. While this Kappa and I got along quite well — over the course of four seasons — our personalities did not mesh well in person. Our first date ended up at a crowded vegetarian restaurant, sitting by the door, with cold food and a waiter who disappeared. Additionally, he was also pissed that I wore a turtleneck. Even after that horrible date, I was surprised when he asked me to be his date for an upcoming wedding. Good times. In the end, we both cursed out our Londoner friend and told him to mind his business next time; then we unfollowed each other.

There is no right or wrong answer for whether you should pay for online dating sites. This is a tough one for me, especially after auto-joining to research 15 interracial dating sites. Almost half weren’t exclusively for interracial couples, but there were opportunities to expand their dating pools. A lot of users were just tired of trying to date the same type of person only to end up with poor results.

Photo credit: Jakob Owens/Unsplash

However, all of these sites (minus OkCupid, and I say that without making a dollar off the company) have an annoying habit — they ask a lot of initial identifying questions (age, drug use, relationship status, views on parenthood, height, weight/body build); then more specific personality questions; then email verification and required photo uploading.

You’ve checked off all the boxes. Now what? They blur out all the faces of potential matches and require you to pay to see the (wo)man of your dreams. If you have the funds and the interest to do it, by all means, enjoy. However, I think OKC is onto something by allowing users to send intros. If you like the person who sent the intro, you match up with each other and keep the conversation going. On the downside, too often, people will “Like” a profile but then not send any initial message. What is the purpose of that? You can just stare at Instagram if you want to look at attractive users. If you’re paying, you better make the most of your money.

You always lose when you lie. There are nine seasons of “Catfish,” and I cannot wrap my mind around why. I found out someone used my photograph on Facebook and was wishing all his/her friends a “Happy Birthday.” I went straight down that Facebook list, outing this user who was using my photograph. Then I got that account shut down. I’m sure it’s much easier to police one account as opposed to multiple ones. But I’ll never understand what people gain from lying. Whether it’s lying about physical appearance, degree status or owning a dog, it’s never productive. (OK, I kinda understand the guy who is a cat lover lying about it. You all have it rough. Ouch!)

If you’re not ready to date, get off the site. I recall a very attractive man trying to get my attention. At the time, I was into Mr. Match and blew this guy off on OKC. Fast forward two months later when I came back to the same profile, that user was complaining about a woman he’d been dating who cheated on him. I wondered why in the world he contacted me in the first place if he was still trying to get over someone else. In all fairness, I’d changed my phone number so Mr. Match couldn’t call me, but he still had my email address. And I was guilty of checking for new messages. (It’s about as idiotic as blocking someone only to check your blocked messages.) So both of us were still pretty hung up on an old flame. Although I bounced back within a couple weeks and was back on the dating grind, this guy was distraught over his ex. Eventually he did what he should have done in the first place and just closed his account.

In a COVID-19 world, clearly going out to concerts, parties, coffee shops and the like are dangerous. It is perfectly reasonable to not want to be part of the 5.42 million people who have been infected, or almost 170K who died of coronavirus. But because you’re sitting behind a screen, that means you’ll really have to sell your personality even more now. Someone can only look at attractive photographs but for so long, and that video option — no matter what you subscribe to — should follow soon after. There’s no rule that says you cannot go on “dates” from home. But if you join the site, at least make it worth your time.