When you envision starting a family, I think it’s safe to say we only think about the positives.
By: Rachel Behar
Tags: Newborn, Preemie, Near Death Experiences, Unhappiness, Pregnancy

When you envision starting a family, I think it’s safe to say we only think about the positives. Having healthy children, holding their small little hands and then watching them grow into successful human beings. My journey to motherhood was nothing along those lines.

I had no issues getting pregnant and with knowing so many women who’ve had miscarriages, I knew how lucky I was. At exactly 6 weeks and 1 days, I developed horrible all day sickness. I refuse to call it morning sickness, as it would strike at 6:30am every morning and I would throw up all day until 10pm. This lasted for a total of 6 weeks and it was one of the loneliest, depressing and isolating times in my life. I spent all my energy at my work, which I had just started, and would come home grateful I made it through another day, just for the symptoms to begin again.

Second trimester was much better, yet at 6 months, I started to experience disturbing symptoms. My face swelled to the point I could not breath. My hands swelled so bad I would experience tingling sensations from the pressure of the swelling and pain in my knuckles. After an extreme bout of swelling in my legs and feet I ventured to the doctor. It was then I was diagnosed with gestational hypertension, high blood pressure, and told to stay away from salt and to take my blood pressure a few times a week. As an extremely healthy person with no prior health issues, this came as a surprise.

Over the next month, I had no change in my blood pressure. So, the doctor decided to put me on medication. The medication still did not lower it. I continued to rest and raise my legs at work to the demands of my doctors and husband and mother. I made all my food with no salt and did my very best.

Entering the last week of my 7th month of pregnancy, I woke up with a stomachache. I figured it was from the large dinner I ate the previous night. I went to work and plugged away. As the day went on, my stomachache progressed. It felt like period cramps. I decided to leave and work from home and on my way home, a 5 minute drive, I called my doctor. I was told to come to office.

The next 30 minutes, in the back of an Uber, were excruciating. I remained on the phone with my mother and she monitored my stomach cramps. I was having contractions every 2 minutes. She had to help me breath through them, as my class for intro into birthing was not for another month.

I made it to the doctors office and was hooked up to machines. The babies heart was strong, yet my blood pressure was sky high and it was confirmed I was having contractions. The doctor assured me I was not in labor and would not be having my baby that day, as having your baby at 30 weeks was not something we wanted. He told me to go on bedrest for two weeks and to also go to the hospital, as they could figure out what was going on quicker with test results.

My husband made it to the doctors office by this point and drove me to the hospital, a 5 minute drive from the doctors office. We had our hospital tour scheduled for the next month, since I still had over two months to go, and did not even know which entrance to go through. It was a snowy day, I was wearing that large amazon coat and not one person helped me to the correct entrance and floor, I assume now no one could tell I was pregnant. I finally made it to the labor and delivery floor, after going through 2 other other wrong entrances.

Once admitted, I was given a plastic bag with clothes and I remember seeing this strange tube top looking thing that I put over my chest, turns out it was for my stomach, a belly binder. Anyways, I was hooked up to a machine and immediately told the babies heart rate was low. I kept telling everyone I had food poising and the babies heart rate was just fine at the doctors. All the doctors and nurses kept looking at each other, back at me, then to each other. I could see the worry in their eyes and me convincing them of food posing was not working. I remember a lady saying you guys are losing time, you need to take her now. I was handed a white sheet, double sided with print, and told I had to sign. I did.

I was moved over to a stretcher and remember seeing white all around me. I never felt more lonely. And at that moment, I decided to say a prayer that I learned as a little girl.

I was pulled into a room, it was cold, and I couldn’t see anything yet could hear a ton of people around me. Someone said is she asleep and I screamed, no I’m awake! A mask was put over my face. I took two breaths and that was it.

I woke up. I asked where my son was. I was told he was alive. For the next two days, I was hooked up to machines and received treatments for all sorts of complications. My gestational hypertension turned into preeclampsia, and my preeclampsia caused my placenta to completely detach from my uterus. The pain I had all day was due to internal bleeding. Typically the blood exists your body but mine staid inside and continued to fill my stomach. I then had another complication, DIC, and lost most of the blood in my body. I had to receive blood transfusions and platelets to help my blood clot properly.

After two days, I got to see my son. My tiny son hooked up to machines to keep him alive. I fell over in shock and in pain. I wailed. I never in a million years imagined something like this would happen to me. My son fought for his life every day and spent 53 days in the NICU. I went every single day no matter how much pain I was in, to be there with him.

We are home now and he is thriving yet I am so unhappy. I am angry I did not get to hear my son cry when he was born. I’m angry I did not get to see him for two days. I’m angry I did not get to hold him properly without machines for 30 days. Im angry I received no privacy every day visiting my son. I’m angry I had to pump with strangers around me. I’m angry I did not receive celebratory messages from people. I’m angry I did not get to breastfeed my son. I’m angry it took away the happiness I felt I deserved as a first time mother.

But he’s here. I’m here. We both almost died. It’s time I find my happiness in knowing this is what we had to go through to have each other. I know I’ll never forget what happened. It will never be fair. But it’s time to move forward, live our lives and embrace our journey together.