adulthood \
By: Kiana Morgan
Tags: Adulting, Healing, Mental Health, Coming Of Age, Black Women

Hey everyone.

Sometimes it amazes me that I am an adult. I can make my own doctor’s appointments. I pay off my student loans, one payment of $275 at a time. I don’t know how this happened. That picture on the right is me, and I still wear that hairstyle. Who said I was ready for all of this?

I haven’t even been an adult that long. I am 23-years-old, and it feels like I’ve been in this stage forever. Not in an existential crisis way. More so in the I’ve-been-prepping-my-whole-life way. When we were kids, we couldn’t wait to be adults. Now, we are in our twenties/early thirties, and we feel like we are cleaning up our parents’ and grandparents’ messes. And all we wanted to do was to eat candy for breakfast.

But, I have come to learn somethings about adulthood. I’ve been repairing the relationship with my parents, and I reflected on many things about maturity. This post is mainly for my young adults — those who are very much adult-children-those in that in-between stage of independence and still living with your parents.

1. Your parents aren’t annoying. They have different coping mechanisms than you. They had to learn them just like you did. Cut them some slack — especially if they are minorities. Their coping mechanisms may conflict with yours. I know I am more of an inward person, and my mother isn’t, while my father is in the middle. I can either be annoyed when they want me to express all my feelings or accept that this is their version of loving someone. Once you accept yourself, it is easier to understand others. The thing about coping is that the strategies we use usually don’t always make us feel better. They are conjured up to gain a sense of control. So unless your parents continue to be horrible people with no remorse for their actions, suck up your superiority complex. Don’t isolate yourself because that is when you believe everyone else is the problem. The fact is you are what you need to change. You are also the solution. It may be a rocky road for you and your family to get on the same page. Your mother may have an attitude problem. Or, she may be stressed. When you open up yourself to listen, you open up yourself to be heard.

2. There is one other thing about parents. It seems we get mad at them because they didn’t adequately prepare us for all of this-a lot of the time, we had to re-parent ourselves. You come to realize your parents are just figuring it out, just like you. That makes you go into some existential identity crisis. You start to look at your parents differently, and it’s this whole thing. Maybe it is just me. I realized it is okay to know that your parents didn’t do what they needed to do. Part of life is knowing that. The rest is up to you. And you may not trust yourself, and that is okay. It is a part of the process.

3. My friend said something about play to my sister. She is 14 and still needs opportunities to run and flip around. Many adults are unhappy because they don’t take those opportunities to honor their inner child. Adults are just kids with more experiences.

We are the whole process.

We are the whole thing. When you don’t do something just for fun, a piece of you dies. That sounds dramatic, but it’s somewhat right. When you aren’t putting time into your passion, you start to feel disappointed, confused. I say all the time that I am doing precisely what 10-year-old Kiana wanted. I wanted to be a lawyer, but I didn’t want to argue when I knew I was right. So, I opted to be a writer, then I could write all my opinions, and I chose whether I received feedback. I used to staple papers together and made books. I would make coloring books for my friends. My favorite things to draw were Spongebob and Stich for Lilo & Stich. The thing about play is that adults have sucked the fun out of it. We call it self-care. Naming it and assigning this to-do-list aspect to it makes it sound like a job.

Just play. It doesn’t have to be so formal.

I’m not saying all adults are unhappy. I understand that there isn’t much time to be you when you are a parent, a spouse, and an employee. I know I have the privilege to take care of myself — and I am grateful I learned this lesson now. It is never too late for anyone.

Musician Tobe Nwigwe and his wife Fat have two kids — the oldest one being a toddler. Someone asked how they continue to be productive while having young children. Fat said that she watched her mother raise six children, and their lives became her mother’s life. While she loves her mother, she understands why she doesn’t want that to be her life. So, Fat’s children do what Fat does. Fat is committed to being all of herself- not just Tobe’s wife and Sage and Baby Fat’s momma.

When I get married and have children, I hope I continue to paint, journal, and exercise.

I haven’t been an adult that long. Maybe in ten years, I will think differently about this. Maybe, I won’t. I hope my ability to play doesn’t change as I age. I love riding my bike and looking at the stars. I watch Adventure Time and Steven Universe. I can be firm, and I can be goofy. I am a person, first and foremost.

Adulthood is tricky. I’ve only been doing it for five years.

Bye, y’all.