PSA From Santa Claus Regarding COVID-19
By: Andrew Cheng
Tags: Santa, Humor, Christmas, Coronavirus, Satire

PSA From Santa Claus Regarding COVID-19

Santa will not be accepting your gifts of milk and cookies until further notice.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas, everybody! We here at Santa’s Workshop are working very hard to ensure everyone has a safe and happy holiday season. Now, due to COVID-19, Christmas is going to be a teensy bit different this year. But don’t worry, boys and girls, it’s still going to be a magical time! Ho, ho, ho!

First of all, out of concern for everyone’s safety, Santa will not be coming down your chimneys this year. Instead, I will be leaving your presents on your rooftops. I kindly ask that your mommies and daddies climb up your chimneys and retrieve them for you. Everybody’s got to do their part! Ho! Ho! Ho!

On that note, Santa will not be accepting your gifts of milk and cookies until further notice. I just don’t feel comfortable eating something that’s been picked out of a box with your superspreader fingers. This Christmas, I kindly ask that your mommies and daddies climb up your chimneys and leave me a bottle of bourbon.

Unfortunately, due to an 85% drop in our mall Santa revenue, I had to furlough a quarter of my elves. On a brighter note, I hired back senior elf Hermey to help out with the backlog. He was an awful dentist.

A special message to all the dedicated mall Santas still working the shops this holiday season: Stop. Just stop. No one wants to sit on your lap right now. Stop.

Coca Cola has dropped our sponsorship contract due to internal budget cuts. From now on, Santa will be sporting a Tom Selleck mustache, and my suits will all be in gamboge.

We at Santa’s Workshop are doing everything we can to prevent the spread of COVID-19. All elves must wear masks and gloves while assembling your toys. We have also adopted a strict work from home policy. Every elf is to complete their part of the toy, walk over to the house of the next elf on the assembly line, deliver said part, walk back to their house and build the part next on their queue, then walk back to the other house, and repeat the process until all the toys have been completed. Staff meetings are conducted by Zoom.

Despite our best efforts, Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer has contracted COVID-19. We previously thought his nose was red due to nasal microcirculation, but it turned out to be a COVID-19 symptom. If you or any of your loved ones develop a shiny red rose, please get tested.

Due to delays in postal delivery from the 2020 US Presidential Election, our staff has been overwhelmed with a backlog of letters to Santa. The boys and girls living in Pennsylvania and Georgia can expect their toys to arrive on January 18th, 2021.

Mommies and daddies, rest assured we’re still actively monitoring which of your children have been naughty and which of them have been nice. To find out how, please visit www.google.com, www.facebook.com, or purchase an Alexa from Amazon.com.

And we’re all out of PS5s. Stop asking, Ed.

May all the boys and girls of the world have the safest and merriest of Christmases!

Ho, ho, ho,

Santa