Unseen Scars, Unheard Voices
By: A. Joshua W.
Tags: Narcissism, Relationships, Human Rights, Domestic Abuse, Men

Many men have not been educated about the possibility that they could be victims of domestic abuse, and do not recognize it as abuse when it is happening to them. There is a tendency to think of abuse as physical violence & to minimize emotional abuse as nothing more than hurt feelings. Men are conditioned to be stoic, to be reserved with their emotions, and not to show weakness or vulnerability. There is often a desire to maintain the image of a successful & thriving relationship and to avoid disclosing personal details to others, allowing the male victim to persist in denying or minimizing their plight; if this persists, it may lead to mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, & PTSD, or problems with drugs and/or alcohol.

Being insulted, disrespected, assaulted, or cheated on by their intimate partner can be incredibly threatening to a man’s self-image, his masculine identity, and his confidence in social situations & at work. He may be reluctant to admit the truth to himself, let alone others, and make attempts to rationalize or make excuses for his spouse’s actions. He might never have been educated about the various forms of abuse or recognize certain behaviors (such as stonewalling, gaslighting, triangulation, or threats to leave or withhold affection) as abusive. He may have endured a slow progression of disrespect leading into unhealthy patterns that over time gradually crossed the line into an abusive relationship, but it all happened so insidiously that he struggles to accept the reality of the situation he now finds himself in, and does not know where to turn.

To people who have never been in an abusive relationship, it can be difficult to understand how it is possible to deny, rationalize, or ignore the abuse, and to choose to stay in the relationship or continue to love their abuser after they have left. Those who have readily understand the truth: rose-colored glasses can be difficult to remove when the reality is shameful, terrifying, & painful. This is why the help of others is so important for abuse victims, both male and female: recognizing certain behaviors as abusive or manipulative is not as straightforward for the one enmeshed in an abusive relationship as it is for the ones on the outside. The closer & more emotionally involved one is in a situation, the more difficult it becomes to analyze it with clarity, logic, & rationality.

Furthermore, as victims become more isolated, they become more & more dependent upon their abuser for affection, closeness, & support, and tolerate more & more abuse to receive it. The same neurological pathways involved in addiction are involved in abusive relationships; it is infinitely more difficult to get over the end of an abusive relationship than a typical break-up for this reason. The abuser becomes the only source of oxytocin, vasopressin, serotonin, dopamine, & other neuropeptides released in response to touch, sex, intimacy, & social bonding, and like a gambler at a roulette table, the uncertain nature of when it will be received compels the one ensnared to seek it with ever-increasing fervor as the frequency & likelihood of receiving it diminishes.

Withdrawal symptoms such as depression, insomnia, loss of appetite or motivation, & a persistent desire to see or contact the abusive partner are not signs of weakness of willpower or some defect in learning, but rather are measurable, predictable, and typical physiological responses occurring within our brains. Due to our intrinsic neurological craving for these neurohormones, in the absence of a new source of connection or companionship most people will return to their abuser; this is as true for men as it is for women. Someone leaving an abusive relationship needs as many trusted friends around them as possible to alleviate the “crash” of no longer receiving these provide them with a new source of these neurohormones — as well as hope, laughter, & a sympathetic ear. Unfortunately, men tend to have less established social networks, more societal pressure to remain silent, and less options & resources available to them for help.