Divorce Was My Answer to Happily Ever After
By: Ronit Heimanson
Tags: Change, Codependency, Divorce, Self Love, Growth

One of my earliest memories was the deep desire to be a mother and a wife. I wanted to have a family. I dreamed of a husband that adored me and that I cherished. We would have beautiful children. I wanted four children and so did he. Our house would be a home that everyone we knew wanted to visit. My husband and I would have an open door to everyone, and everyone would feel welcomed. We would happily host celebrations, game nights, evening soirées, Sunday afternoon BBQ’s and Shabbat dinners. Happy occasions shared by all. It would be our pleasure, after all life is about sharing moments with the ones you love and adore. We would build a beautiful life together. We would raise our kids and watch them recreate the same dream for themselves. As grandparents we would babysit our grandkids and take them on vacations. That was my dream.

I went on my first date with my knight in shining armor while I was attending my last semester of college. He and my cousin were graduate school buddies. In truth, my future husband had laid eyes on me four years prior at my cousin’s wedding. I was too young and he decided to wait four years to ask about me. He later spoke of how he had patiently waited for me all that time. My future husband sent me roses at work for all to see. He would leave me love notes in the kitchen next to the coffee machine. It was a true love story, just like in the movies.

My knight swept me off my feet. He held my hand and made me feel as if he would always take care of me. I was safe. I shared my dream with him on our first date. He smiled, and said “I want to make your dreams come true.” Magic to ears. I believed him. Three months later he asked my father for my hand in marriage. He then asked me to marry him on a bent knee. I accepted, and we were engaged. Twelve months after our engagement, we were married in a lavish wedding ceremony and celebration. Shortly thereafter, we were off honeymooning in Bora Bora. I had the wedding and honeymoon of my dreams. That had to mean that I was about to build the life of my dreams with the man of my dreams. Right? I was twenty-three years old and pregnant with our first child.

Fast forward — I’m thirty five — I have three kids, a beautiful home and lots of friends. Externally, everything was as it should be. I was living the dream… or more like a beautiful nightmare? My husband was the same man I married. I had changed. I was no longer the twenty-three year-old bride. I was a thirty-five year-old woman, mother of two daughters and a son. I was searching for meaning and looking to define my individual self.

Inter-relational dynamics are difficult to shift once they have been established. My husband was the breadwinner and I was the homemaker. We had a 1950’s like set-up. When we married, that seemed to work. We had a beautiful home, he went to work, paid the bills and provided a privileged lifestyle for our family. The caveat was that I needed to ask for permission before I made even the smallest decisions for the kids, the home or myself. My husband reminded me daily that he had the veto power. My home did not have the open door of my dreams. I thought I could find fulfillment in other places. I wanted to explore personal growth within my marriage. Ultimately I couldn’t. I wasn’t allowed.

Couples counseling was off the table. I was the problem. So I began individual therapy. I started to understand that I needed to advocate for myself in a real and purposeful way. I was suffocating. I needed to breathe — I needed air. I had new dreams I wanted to pursue. I wanted to build something for myself. I desperately craved independence and autonomy. I was determined to raise independent thinkers. I had a responsibility to model that to my children. How was I to do that if I was in a marriage construct that didn’t allow me to have a voice?

I was thirty-seven when the dream house was sold and my dream of a traditional family was shattered. My husband and I were not going to raise our children together in a traditional way. We will not dance together at our children’s weddings. I had to mourn the death of my dream. I had to bury it.

It was time to dream a new dream. I had to pick up the pieces. It was hard, but I was gentle with myself. I didn’t judge myself harshly and I choose to focus on building a new life.

Now, I don’t have to ask for permission. I can do what I want, when I want and how I want. It was scary being an adult for the first time at thirty-eight. Applying for a credit card and decorating my home the way I want it. It may not be the gilded palace I once lived in, but it’s my palace. It is my home, where the door is always open and I can do as I please.

My spirit is free to explore an authentic life.. As hard as my divorce and the years after have been, I know for certain my children respect and admire the courage it required of me to step outside the box and live my truth.

My kids and I now live in a smaller home and we don’t take fancy vacations. We have laughter, joy and most importantly we communicate openly and honestly. I am a better version of myself. Today I can be the mom I dreamed I would and could be. I can be open and alive. I have modeled strength, courage and resiliency through action.

I believe in marriage — my parents have been married for forty-seven years. Theirs is a real love story built on mutual respect, partnership and autonomy.

My happily ever after came after divorce. Happiness showed itself in the unique shape of me. I love the woman I am today. I worked damn hard to become her. I choose to honor her, accept her for who she is today and who she will become.

Flourishing in Flux,

Xoxo

Ronit

www.flourishinflux.org