The Key To Successful Relationships Is To Simplify
By: Eunice Gikonyo, Msc Psychology
Tags: Life, Simplicity, Relationships, Emotional Intelligence, Happiness

The Key To Successful Relationships Is To Simplify

Photo by Nathan Anderson on Unsplash

Growing up, we had dishes for guests. They were new, shiny, and of high quality. To qualify as a guest, you visited once or twice a year. Our neighbors — the ones who showed up every other day — did not pass the guest test. Our cousins and relatives from the city did.

Parents would say, “A visitor is a river” — they come and go, treat them well. And we did. We were on our best behavior when they were around. They brought presents and mum cooked delicious food. Everyone was happy.

Once they left, we went back to our routine — and dishes.

Simplify

A relationship is a river too.

Treat it well. Make every interaction count. Sounds simplistic, but when we look closer and then zoom into the big picture — we realize it’s that simple.

Success means different things to different people. For the sake of this article, I will take the liberty to say a relationship is as good as the current or most recent interaction. If there are more positive and rich interactions than negative or shallow ones, then the relationship is leaning towards success and vice versa.

We complicate or take for granted what is most valuable — and available — to us. And we overvalue what is fleeting. Our spouse, long-term friend, or neighbor — we pay them little attention. We put in massive, one-off effort into entertaining the distant friend or relative who visits once a year.

The relationships we need the most are the ones we nurture the least. We assume they will always be there or spend time worrying if they will. But longevity is no excuse for neglect.

It takes one interaction at a time to build or destroy a relationship. Slowly but surely — we add a brick or take one out. Whether we have been happily married for decades or been friends since kindergarten — or we just met — is irrelevant.

“The more a thing tends to be permanent, the more it tends to be lifeless,” Allan Watts.

A good conversation, a meal happily shared, a phone call — are all bricks added. A snide remark, entitlement, small broken promises — all chip at the stability of a relationship. And it’s all subtle — the effects take longer to manifest.

And just like a seedling requires as little as a jar of water daily to thrive and grow into a tree that provides fruits and shade. So do relationships.

How do we know we are building a relationship and not destroying it? We focus on one interaction at a time. When we set one brick right, we can easily place the next. When we do it wrong, we can correct it immediately.

And this goes for all relationships — romantic or not7. How do we do this?

Treat each interaction as if it’s the first one, the last one, and the only one.

I remember a recent conversation I had at the park with a 78 years old man. He had all these stories to tell, and I was only too glad to listen. He talked about himself, his life, his work, and his family. I didn’t want the conversation to end. I was curious and fully present. The conversation lasted 45 minutes — but it felt like we had talked all day. We hadn’t met before. I doubt we’ll meet again.

The next time your spouse, child, or long time friend talks to you, try that. Imagine they have something new to tell you. And you are hearing it for the first time.

It will feel awkward for the first time, or the first few times — especially if you are used to having them talk as you wash the dishes. Each time you find yourself drifting to conversations held in the past or feel the itch to correct them — because you know them so well — return to the blank. If it helps, recite — first time, last time, only time.

Free yourself of obligations.

If I have a coin for all the relationship advice I have listened to or read, I would be swimming in cash. I appreciate it all. But I am reluctant to take much of it. I suggest you do the same with whatever you are reading now.

While we can simplify many areas of our lives, including relationships, situations are never black and white. There is a spacious grey area where many of us live and operate. And the shades of white and grey are as varied as we all are.

No blanket rule suits us all. Yet, there are unwritten rules that we unwittingly follow. They are not explicit, but they are clear enough. And due to the pressure they put us under, we struggle to show up authentically.

What we so willingly give can be turned into an obligation. If we love to cook, clean, or smile, we start to notice others taking us for granted. They assume that’s what you should be doing anyway.

Instead of repressing our God-given abilities, the better way is to remind ourselves we are happy to do it. And swiftly redirect our kindness and energy to the relationships that are worth nurturing.

Continue to do you — one interaction at a time.

Free others of obligations.

As you free yourself from obligatory roles, free others too. Give or do what you need to for those with whom you share a relationship, and move on. Accept their gratitude. Accept their ingratitude. If an issue bugs you, talk to them — in an independent interaction. Ensure you don’t wait until you have collected enough data on the wrongs they have caused you.

Can you recognize how you are feeling in every interaction? Are you happy, sad, angry? Are you able to let go of unpleasant feelings quickly? That would be a sign you are not carrying forward previous baggage into the current interaction. And you have not placed undue expectations on others.

Allow people to change and evolve.

When we are attached to who people were yesterday or years ago, present interactions rattle us. They interfere with the status quo, and we feel a need to remind them of who they are, always have been, and should be. And this does not help the relationship. It diminishes it, chips at it, and destroys it eventually.

When we notice some changes in those we love and accept them, the relationship grows. We support or express our concern — but with love and acceptance — not fear, insecurity, or rigidity. We are curious to learn more about what is going on with them. And the discoveries they are making within and around them — what struggles. One interaction at a time.

Strive less for perfection….and longevity.

It’s appealing or tempting to focus on longevity when judging how strong our relationships are. But how long we have been married or how long a friendship has lasted is no mark of relationship success.

When we change our perspective on relationships and most other areas, we relieve ourselves of unnecessary pressure.

It’s easy to listen when I know I am required to do so for the next thirty minutes and not for the next thirty years.

Sometimes we will struggle to focus on every interaction. That is okay. The key is to stay aware, refocus, and get better.

This Christmas, remember — it’s just today, this dinner. Resist the urge to dig out and serve past injustices with dessert.

This interaction — right now — let’s focus, shall we?