The Conscious Choice That Is Happiness
By: Edie Tuck
Tags: Depression, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Ignorance, Stigma

“Some believe in destiny and some believe in fate. I believe that happiness is something we create.” -Sugarland

I’m normally one of the most optimistic and positive people I know. Probably sickeningly so at times — not sorry! It took me a long time to get to where I am, and staying here isn’t always as easy as you might think.

I’ve read a few articles lately about how positivity is overrated— that being positive all the time really isn’t healthy and that we shouldn’t do it; seems many find that positivity is overrated (Some also say it’s not a real word, but that’s an argument for another day).

I actually agree, to a certain degree — we shouldn’t force the happiness, optimism, or positivity when we’re just not feeling it. But at the same time, we shouldn’t feel guilted into stuffing it back down if it comes naturally. Don’t fake having it, but also don’t fake not having it.

That being said, I’m not always positive. Just like anyone else, I have moments when I fall into a rut. A slump. I get really down on myself. Down on life in general. I let the monsters come out from under the bed. I allow fear, sadness, worry — even despair, to take control of me. I wallow. It’s not pretty.

In my teenage years, and up to my early to mid-twenties, I suffered quite a bit with depression. My smile, when present, was very rarely authentic. For a long time, my motto was ‘fake it ’til you make it.’ Well, I got sick and tired of faking it and made a decision: I wasn’t going to live like that anymore.

WAIT! Stop! Don’t go yet!

This is not where I tell you that depression is all in your head. I know first hand — and second and third hand — that it’s not. And I also know that for many, it’s not something that can be cured by simply making a decision. Modern medicine is a wonderful thing and needs to be given the credit it's due.

This is just me saying that it’s how I am (usually) able to kick it.

I’ve had to make it a conscious effort for a really long time. It’s never been easy, and I don’t think it ever will be. To this day, it still stalks me. I often feel the cold tentacles reaching and grabbing at my ankles. Other times, it likes to sneak up on me from out of nowhere, and for no apparent reason. Although I’ve never taken an anti-depressant, some days I feel like if I turn around quickly, I’ll see the little Zoloft bubble bouncing along behind me.

Most times, I can nip it in the bud quickly. But sometimes it’s more difficult and takes the help of a good friend — or even a perfect stranger — to say the right thing at the right time. It takes someone else to flip that switch in my brain — I can’t always reach it myself — back to ‘Happy Edie’ mode. The mode I’m best known for. At least in public.

“It’s okay to not be okay, when even the air you breathe is just too much for your lungs to take.” -Madeline Merlo

Give yourself permission

I think that as much as we want to be happy — as good as we feel when we are — sometimes we just need to allow ourselves to be sad. Embrace the dark for a moment. Tell yourself that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel the way you feel. Normal even, in many circumstances. Giving yourself permission might actually help you recover more easily. More quickly, and with fewer battle scars. When we don’t force happiness, and we let the darkness run its course, it might put up less of a fight.

I’ve found that whenever I try to force a positive attitude, it’s almost like I’m putting so much importance on the negative that instead of easing away, I’m inadvertently giving it more power. I get so laser-focused on trying to figure out why I’m not feeling my usual chipper self, that I ultimately give all of my energy to it, and there’s nothing left for the positive vibes to feed on.

All in the family

It’s been proven that people who tend to be prone to depression typically carry a gene that’s been handed down to them through a parent. But that’s not the only way depression is hereditary.

Doctor Michael J Meaney, Ph.D., of the Hope Through Research team, explains how although depression is a mental illness, it might also be a learned condition.

“A child not only inherits genes, he or she inherits a family. Very often families with mental or behavioral disorders are also families in which there exists a considerable amount of dysfunction. That implies the influence of environment as well as genes.” (Read his full article here, from Psychology Today)

When a child grows up seeing their parent in a constant state of despair, they learn to understand this as normal behavior. Children are impressionable creatures. They become what they learn through experience most of the time. We are a product of our environment. Sometimes changing the environment can change the product, but not always.