The Scary Truth of Falling in Love Again.
By: Kyrstyn Llagas
Tags: Breakups, Learning, Relationships, Love, Lessons

After getting hurt, you love different.

You may not realize it, but it’s true. You start to look for signs of them pulling away, the signs you once ignored. You notice the transitions; from texting every minute, to every hour, to once a day, to basically strangers. You think you’re fully capable to love someone again, the way you once did. We’ve all read the quotes, haven’t we?

“If you can love the wrong person so much, imagine how much you can love the right one.”

But how the hell do you know if the person in front of you is the right one? The ones before looked so similar: at first, they’re irrevocably in love with you and everything you are. But the changes come. This time you swear you’re ready. You’ve been through heartbreak before, you can handle another. You prepare yourself to leave, or be left. You start distancing yourself as well, partly to protect yourself, but also because your heart wishes they’ll chase after you. A part of your heart yearns to be truly wanted. Adored, even. You’ll trade in hours of waiting, overthinking, unhappiness, for a mere fifteen minutes of feeling wanted.

All the preparation had to do something, right? You must be at least somewhat prepared to let this person go. But you don’t. Because when the thought of losing them becomes tangible, you take it all back. You promise things will be better. You compromise the very language you speak, in order to keep those fifteen minutes of happiness. You agree that you’re high maintenance for wanting physical affection, you promise not to demand such costly things.

Then the sweet taste of addiction hits your heart. The feeling of withdrawal soothes, and you hold that person for the rest of the night, and you feel invincible. You believe that you possess enough energy to uphold the lie, the lie that you don’t deserve to be shown love the way you receive it. You can totally pretend to be content with distance. But, this feeling of temporary euphoria inevitably expires, like it has the past dozen times. You don’t feel loved. Then the cycle occurs again… and again.

At this point, it’s not toxic- it’s insanity. It’s doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome every time. Until one day, you decide to let your head take control of your heart. You feel another wave of doubt coming in, so you open up your notes app and prepare. You write an entire letter containing things you’ll send if things go awry.

Things go awry.

A part of you wants to beg again, and pretend that this time things will truly be different. But as the tears come down your cheeks, and your legs give out underneath you, you trust yourself. You copy your letter from the notes app, send it, then let them go. You block them from all of your social media apps, their number; because you’ve gone through heartbreak before. No contact is the only way to heal.

Then you download Tinder, thinking you’re ready for a one-night stand. Thinking that it’s finally your turn to just have fun. You swipe for hours, sometimes taking the time to read their bios, other times, just letting your superficial side control your thumb. You swipe unsuspectingly, just excited to see whose interests you’ve piqued. Oh, a J name, we love to see it.

“Do you have Snapchat?”

You don’t hesitate to send it, just looking for not-so-innocent fun. Then he asks you to hang out that night. Now, you hesitate. Are you ready? Are you ready for a relationship? or even a one-night stand? But in the end, you just say fuck it, why not?

He picks you up in a car. You’ve never dated a guy with a job, much less a car. He holds your hand without you asking. He looks at you when you talk.

“Do I deserve this?” You almost shut it down. The dialogue in your head consists of doubt and hesitation. He’s only treating you this well so he can have sex with you.

But he drops you home after an amazing date. After stargazing and asking each other questions. He asks to call you on his way home, which surprises you. You were totally ready to be ghosted.

Honestly, it’s really hard to accept the love we’ve been conditioned to believe is high-maintenance. My soul craves physical touch. My hands want to be held and kissed. I don’t believe in the three love theory, at least not for myself. Because I’m on boy number four, and I’m still learning every time.

My first taught me about amicable separations.

My second taught me about true pain.

My third taught me to listen to my head sometimes.

and now, I’m on my fourth.

It’s fucking terrifying to fall in love again, but here we are.

Let’s see what I learn this time around.