An Influencer Unboxes the Supercute Covid-19 Vaccine
By: Sara K. Runnels
Tags: Coronavirus, Digital Life, Satire, Humor

An Influencer Unboxes the Supercute Covid-19 Vaccine

Photo: Manuel Medir/Getty Images

Hey, ladies! It’s me, your favorite quarantine queen, pandemic princess, frugal fashionista, merlot mommy, and 2020 self-titled influencer of the year! I just wanted to hop on Instagram Live real quick. I know you’ve all been asking (in the comments, in my DMs, via email, and some of you even wrote me letters handwritten by candlelight) about where I got the supersoft sweatpants I’ve been wearing all month.

Well, that’s not what we’re here to talk about.

We’ll be finding out what’s inside this large box in front of me — yes, the one right here with the adorable packaging that says “FRAGILE” in giant letters.

No, it’s not my ego!

I like to make the jokes before you guys do so it hurts less.

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Anyway, it’s actually a very special package from our friends at Pfizer!

Perhaps it’s some supercute Zoloft swag? Or maybe a new drug that puts the kids to sleep for 24 hours? Oh, stop that — I’m just kidding! Or maybe it’s… well, maybe it’s a lifetime supply of Viagra? I mean, as many of you know, last week I did post a controversial video titled, “Is it okay to tell your 2.3 million followers about your husband’s horribly dysfunctional penis?”

Which, by the way, thank you all for sharing. It got so many views.

Jim is still mad at me, though, and hasn’t been home for a week, so that’s why the 39-month-old is producing the live shoot today.

McKaylaleigh, can you make the ring light a little brighter for mommy?

Okay, back to the box. It’s absolutely a surprise what’s inside, so let’s read the note from the social team at Pfizer and see what to expect:

Thank you for being chosen as one of our Pfizer Influenzers! We wanted you to be one of the very first to receive the Covid-19 vaccine so you can show others how safe it is. Your initial unboxing video must pass half a million views between now and the six-hour time frame the vial is usable — then we’ll send a doctor over to administer the shot! Let’s make sure this goes viral!

Interesting. I’m not sure what they’re saying. I’ve heard Covid-19 isn’t real, but whatever. Let’s keep forging ahead.

Sweetie, can you bring mommy a knife?

Thank you, precious. No, I’m sorry — you can’t be in the video today. Mommy doesn’t get a lot of good engagement when you just stare into the camera and weep for Dada.

Finally — here we go!

Oh, wow. Okay, absolutely loving the smoke from the dry ice. It’s really a nice, delicate, unexpected touch. Takes the box’s aesthetic to another level. Ooh, and here’s another layer of packaging — you can just tell that the scientists, or whoever, took special care putting this together.

Oh, my God — the vial. So tiny and cute and expensive looking. Guys, is it wild that I want to smell it? I’m just going to take a little whiff.

Shit. Oops. All down my new white romper. Oh, well. Should come out with some seltzer.

Okay, so, I guess it’s only dry ice and a tiny, cold vial. What a waste of packaging. They could’ve at least sent some Pfizer sweatshirts or Xanax.

If you watch my videos regularly, you know I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids. And, of course, it’s a well-known fact that this corona vaccine contains microchips that track and control your every move and program your brain to think like liberals. So, if that’s your vibe, tag 19 friends in the comments of my latest post, and you’ll automatically be entered to win this Covid-19 vaccine vial that I terribly mishandled. Good luck!

McKaylaleigh, I’m exhausted. Go pour mommy her green juice.

Oops. Camera’s still on. Thanks again for tuning in, everyone!

Also, Jim, please come home.

Love to all!