Letters I Could Have Sent – #1
Tags: Love Letters, The Creative Cafe, Novel Writing, Poet, Writers On Medium

I know you’ll be more irritated than amused by this letter, but my hope is that somehow, the words I write here will stay stuck on paper and leave my mind for the time being. We haven’t talked in a while, but the ghost of your presence clings to every wall in my apartment, I had to get out and try to remove you from the front lines of my musings, you can’t stay there forever for my own sanity. I have been feeling heavy hearted lately, so I decided to skip town a few days and get my thoughts in order.

I listened to playlists that held no memories between us all the way up to my first stop to keep my mind occupied, to no avail. It hasn’t been easy being without you, even more so going on this trip. I'd look to the passenger side of the car, and picture you there holding my leg, yelling at me to slow down or to stop nibbling the inside of my mouth. Every minute I was driving up, I was wistfully replaying our best moments, I ached to go back in time to our jam sessions and missed the laughter filling the space between us.

Georgia was my first stop and easily the loneliest I’ve felt in a long time. I woke up early, picked up my tent and headed to hike Providence Canyon. The dogs were on their best behavior, I think they knew I needed peace more than anything. I spent three hours wandering, climbing, stopping every so often to quiet my mind and thank God for allowing me to have this moment with nature, and feel at peace in my solitude.

Eventually I found my way back to the car, and headed toward the the Smokey Mountains. All the while praying to find clarity and my purpose in this world. I eventually got to Tennessee and set up camp. Cold and alone, wrestling with a tent and all my emotions. It was lonely again, I smoked a joint and watched the fire die down. The whole time, quietly pleading that God would remove the persistent feeling of dread and nostalgia that I carried in my gut. I journaled for a bit, trying to avoid you as a subject of my internal musings, but it’s harder than it sounds. I put my journal down, I needed to quite my mind for tomorrow, I planned to spend the day hiking in the mountains as a form of therapy.

I woke up and got dressed for the day. I packed myself a sandwich and apples with hummus for the hike. After a long drive, I reached the top of Andrews Bald.

The dogs worked as my guide for the majority of the trek up, you would have been so proud of them fearlessly jumping from rock to rock and helping me find my footing. The forest was incredible, it looked like something out of a fairy tale. A serene magic clung to each leaf. I felt like I was seeing the world for the first time. Three hours in, I found a cliff where I sat to watch the world under me. The dogs needed to rest, I was riding a high so my body wasn’t processing fatigue. There were a few moments where I questioned if I was pushing my heart too far. I fought against the intrusive thoughts bouncing around my head saying I’d be better off if my body failed me, because there’s just been so much emotional pain inside me lately, and that maybe I’d finally find peace if my body gave out.

Thankfully, as I sat at the edge of the cliff I felt the anxiety and negativity that had been weighing me down melt away. It was so quiet, so still. I thought of all the animals hiding and running in the distance, and I felt envy. I wished so badly that I could stay in that moment forever. I took a bite of my sandwich, it was glorious. In that moment, I wanted for nothing. It’s sad how we always want for more, for better. A simple spinach and hummus sandwich, that’s all I needed to regain focus on the intention I set behind my trip.

The mountains were endless, the river below twinkled like sapphires. I had to refrain from running down and never coming back to civilization. I closed my eyes for what felt like hours, and focused on listening to my heart beat in my ear drums. I felt the blood pumping through my body reminding me that I’m alive. I took a deep breath and as I did, I felt like I was filling my lungs with air for the first time in a year.

When I opened my eyes, I realized that I was crying. The tears were hot and wet down my face, I felt them dance off my face onto my lap. I looked down at my hands and I felt the vivid memory of your fingers tangled in mine. Then, just I was falling down another rabbit hole of nostalgia, I looked up at the sun, it was blinding. Suddenly I felt God all around me. I started talking out loud, thanking him for the opportunity to escape reality for a while, and for filling me with renewed hope for my future. The silence was deafening for a second, and then I swear I heard the wind whisper “he’s meant for you, but you need another year to grow”

In that moment, all the memories, emotions and pain of the past three years fell out of my head and off the edge of the cliff. I felt a resounding sense of understanding. My intention behind this roadtrip was to let go of you, and all the hopes of a future together that I still clung to. Instead of feeling release, I finally understood. God showed me what we had. The good, the bad, the happiness and the pain.

We’re the epitome of right person, wrong time. I wish I met you next year, once I have a better understanding of my purpose and having the necessary tools and wisdom to build a solid foundation for a functional relationship. It stings to think about not knowing you for any amount of time, but the reality is that neither you or I were ready for what God wanted for us… I spent so much time trying to compensate for the life experiences I haven’t yet had, and you have your own journey to finish before we can ever be happy together.

I left the cliff and started back down into the forest, I felt a heavy sense of longing. If you had been with me this experience would have been filled with excitement and laughter instead of this looming sense of agony. I missed your dog terribly as I pictured how amazing she would have looked making the hike with us, a little wolf lady in her element. I wish you could experience the euphoria of seeing God’s hand on every leaf, stone and mountain top. I took my time walking back, all the while fearing that I’d lose this epiphany before I could write it down.

Finally, I reached the end of the trail, just as the sun started to sink between the peaks of the mountains. I sat on the roof of the car I love so much as the sun set. I waited for the moon to make an appearance. When it did I sobbed. It was blazing red, I needed this moment to hold onto for the lonely, difficult days ahead of me. I hope you’ll always think of me when you see the moon, even if it’s just a passing thought. I used to be selfish with my affection of the moon, but knowing you think of me whenever you see the moon… I’ll gladly revoke my self proclaimed ownership of it.

I’m sorry the last thing I told you was that it wasn’t my responsibility to make you happy anymore. I always want you to be happy, at peace and striving to reach all your goals. I’m sorry we clashed as much as we did, when it was good between us, we really were everything anyone could want.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I know that this isn’t our time. But now, more than ever – I know in every fiber of my being that somehow, someway – that we’ll find our way back to each other, back home. After everything I felt, thought, and saw today, I’m positive that there’s no one in this world that will ever see me, and know me the way you do. You’ll always be my home, and my earthly version of heaven is anywhere with you. I’ll forever keep a torch lit for you. You, and everything you are and have been to me is truly the purest form of love that I’ll ever have. You’ll always be my dream guy, that somehow exists.

Now – I’m sitting in this tent, alone and cold writing down things I wish I could tell you in person. It’s not easy; being without you. I feel a hole where your love used to fill me. I wish more than anything that I could fast forward and be back in your arms. I miss breathing in your smell and looking into your eyes. I miss feeling safe, and warm in your arms at the end of each day. I miss your smile, and the butterflies I get whenever I hear you say my name. I miss the passion only you have made me feel. I’ve been holding my breath since the last time I saw you. I despise the last memory we have together. You, cold and angry. Me, crying and reeling from reliving the betrayal that I carried in my heart for two years. I hope this isn’t how our story together will end. I have a lot of inner work to do, but if this trip has shown me anything – it’s that I’m not ready to let you go and I’ll do anything to have you back as my forever.

I love you, I think i’ll always miss you. I hate that timing hasn’t been our strong suit, but I hope now more than ever, that you still are holding out hope for our happy life together. I don’t think I’ll ever be able accept having to write the life we had and could have again – as another almost.

till we meet again.