Russia V. The USA
By: William, Dollar Bill
Tags: Life Lessons, Criminal Justice, Culture, Prison, Incarceration

Russia V. The USA

Jaunt and Joy — Unsplash

So I’m down doing suicide watch at MCC federal prison. It’s one of two jobs I have which pay between 6 and 40 cents per hour. Getting rich isn’t the point. Getting out of the unit and staying busy is. So I work as much as possible.

There are 4 cells in the suicide unit. And each suicidal inmate is assigned one fellow prisoner to watch over. It’s a bullshit job. You gossip with your emotionally-disturbed compatriot and write down what he’s doing every 15 minutes. Mostly, you hope he’s asleep so you don’t have to hear his boring and depressing crap. I’m not down there to change lives. I’m just trying to get through my bid as painlessly as possible.

A Russian kid (in his 20’s) is down on watch sitting just a few feet away from me. The cells are close to each other and thus, the watchers are as well. Suverein’s English is good. We can converse — and as is often the case, two inmates compare notes on how they gained entry through the hallowed portals of federal prison in the USA.

Suverein goes first. The dude was accepting laundered money sent from the US to Russia on behalf of the eventual recipient in exchange for a commission. Translated — a Russian lawbreaker in the US was sending money back to Russia. The recipient didn’t want to risk getting caught so he paid Suverein a commission to take the weight if somebody was to be apprehended in the deal.

Suverein got caught and didn’t snitch. (Actually, he said he didn’t know the identity of the receiver. He simply met somebody in a dark alley to exchange the money.) So he got locked up. The other guy didn’t.

It was my turn next. If you don’t know the story, I made a lot of money running an adult ad agency and website where escorts could advertise. Rather than claim the income, I lent the money to various municipalities to improve their infrastructure in exchange for a nominal interest payment. I figured if I ever got caught, the catcher would be sympathetic. As it turned out, they were not!

I was interrogated, proffered, and then imprisoned for a year in addition to losing 70% of my life savings (much more than I actually owed in back taxes).

Suverein shook his head. “They put you in prison for that bullshit? You’d have never served any time in Russia! They would have made a deal for a chunk of your money and that would have been it.”

It’s difficult to say if that would have been the case had I committed the same crime in Russia. I’m simply reporting a Russian criminal’s reaction to the manner in which I was punished for my crime.

But I’ll tell y’all this: When the IRS came to my door, I figured “Ok! Ya got me! Let’s do a quick negotiation. You want 70%? I’ll give you 33%. That doesn’t work? How’s about we split the money 50–50 and you can go on your way?”

Silly me. That wasn’t the program. For 5 plus years, they fucked with me. Multiple proffers. Promises to deliver plea bargains and then nothing for 9 months. And the lawyers banking all the while.

Endless tutorials on how the escort business worked. Interviews with Homeland Security, NYPD, the State Department, and IRS officials. Lawyers from two different jurisdictions. They tried to get me to set up people who’d been loyal to me. I wouldn’t. They said I’d be going to prison.

Rather than tell me “good job making all that money. Continue on — and now pay your taxes,” they spent 30k for the year I was incarcerated. As much as I worked for them, I don’t think they got 30k worth of work out of me. What was the point? By the time I got apprehended, I was virtually out of business anyway and mostly retired.

Well anyway…7 plus years later, I am finally out from under the yoke of the federal government. Yesterday, I received my official letter declaring I’m off supervision (probation). It’s all over regardless of what would have happened in Russia. And that’s what matters most.

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