The Illusion of Ownership
By: Agents Of Change
Tags: Manhood, Marriage, Divorce, Advice, Dating

The Illusion of Ownership

Photo credit: Shutterstock

By Hendrix Black

Relationship, itself, is a misnomer. For, in truth, all marriages and relationships “end”.

Statistically, maybe 10% of relationships lead to marriage or committed partnerships. Of those, maybe 50% last. Of the ones that last, an even smaller fraction do so out of genuine love and synergy, while the majority are simply “maintained” out of fear.

Fear of loneliness. Fear of shame. Fear of “starting over”. Fear of messing up the kids.

They’re maintained mostly through suppression. Suppression of our hurts — suppression of our desires — and the suppression of our truth.

How many times have we watched some clip of that wrinkly couple celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary and heard the question “what’s the secret to your long marriage?”.

And you’ll always hear the guy mutter something like:

“Easy. I always let her be right.”

Beyond the pursed-lip veil, he’s essentially saying:

“I suppress my inner truth and expression to maintain this “thing” called marriage that I’ve been conditioned to hold onto at all costs”.

In our new model, we don’t seek to “maintain” anything. Instead, we seek to continuously dissolve and build anew. To evolve and re-relate, When partners are truly committed to growth, healing, and expression of truth, the context called “relationship” is ever-shifting.

We consciously “let go” of any locked ideas of what our relationship is or must be.

We let the container be fluid and ever-expanding

We grant one another the sovereignty we each need.

In a year-long relationship, your goal should be to fully love 365 different versions of your partner. To not demand or feel entitled to any specific version, but to encourage and welcome whichever wishes to arise next.

That encouragement isn’t a timidly vocalized utterance of support, but the felt force of your unconditional love and reverence. Understand that your deepest love is the sun that nourishes all life. Even unspoken, her heart feeds off it like a plant feeds off photosynthesis. The result, an unfathomable blossoming that you each get to ravish in.

Your commitment shouldn’t be to “everlasting” love, but in your daringness to allow what’s already been to gently dissolve and give way to the next.

The paradox is that the healthiest relationships aren’t bound by undying commitment — but in allowing your relationship to die as often as is natural and necessary. For, to be in a healthy relationship is to be in constant re-relating. In a world where nearly every traditional marriage vow is broken, should we really continue relying on the well-trodden “till death do us part”?

It’s less sexy as a vow, but all I can personally commit to is:

1. To always honor and appreciate you as an ever-evolving soul.

2. To encourage and support that growth through a commitment to growing in unconditional love, reverence, and compassion.

3. To continue re-relating in this way so long as it inspires a desire and capacity to continue gifting you these things.

Your own vows may look and feel different. The point is to commit to what is life-affirming and expansive. Not possessive or stifling.

Don’t commit to being with someone forever unless you’re the rarest of exceptions for who this works for.

Don’t make any commitment that can only lead to a compromised or half-hearted expression. For the second you subject yourself to an unattainable agreement, you step out of integrity.

Instead, commit to loving her fully for as long as you’re with her.

To radical honesty — with yourself and with her.

To speaking your truth and following your genuine desires — while in turn, honoring and inspiring the same in her.

For, denying yourself and your partner this gift of constant expansion and re-relating is a grave disservice with devastating consequences.

This shadow quickly darkens when our unwillingness to re-relate turns into a false entitlement of ownership. It’s easy to miss as it’s so deeply entrenched in our culture. It’s become almost normal to treat each other as fixed objects incapable or undeserving of growth.

Control and ownership are synonymous. And sadly, we seek to control those whose actions, behaviors, and decisions have the greatest influence over us and our lives. But in doing so, we literally become in relationship to something dead — a previous version of our partner that simply ceases to exist.

You can’t hit pause on your partner’s growth when the coordinates of their journey happen to be inconvenient and incompatible with your disposition. Growth can be messy. At times, it feels like an unlubricated tussle between one another’s sharpest edges. It can only wound and slash until you coat the sharp edges with love, compassion, and pure allowance for her expansion.

Let it be clear — you don’t own your partner’s sexuality. You don’t own her choices. As such, give up seeking control over them. Ironically, we have more influence when we truly lead with love and compassionate power — not fearful control and false entitlement.

Likewise, reclaim the land titles of your own personal real estate. You are sovereign, and there are few things more dangerous than a man who falsely assumes himself to be caged and oppressed. No relationship worth participating in should ever feel that way.

It’s for this reason that all healthy relationships, at their very core, are “open”. For no one can truly express and expand while feeling encased within the narrow, agreed-upon walls of permission and acceptability.

The golden rule prevails: Grant your partner the same freedom of expression and expansion that you yearn for. Commit to re-relating and re-orienting around that expansion — not resisting or condemning it. The greatest gift of a relationship is to spark and support mutual growth and evolution — not impede it.

Yet this is only possible when you’ve earned your crown — and chosen to powerfully display the virtues it represents. This is now within reach. You’re at the doorstep of this transformation, and the thunderous knocks at the door have been heard.

Together, let’s awaken the fearless lover.

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This story was previously published on The Good Men Project

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