Welcome to the heart of parenting.
By: Kira Keulemans
Tags: Parenting, Self Improvement, Guides And Tutorials, Emotions

Part of the surviving and thriving through meltdowns series.

Deep within us is a magical jewel that cannot be scratched, no matter the difficulty. It is a source of healing, joy and infinite wisdom.

Hello everyone and welcome to the heart of parenting. This is a gentle guide to surviving and thriving through meltdowns. We’ll look at everything from meltdowns, to self-regulation and everything in between. We’ll examine connection, secure attachment and exactly what it means to be a parent in today’s modern age. Ultimately, you’ll learn how to become curious about each child’s unique Neurobiological profile, sensory preferences and sensitivities. In order to create new patterns that foster greater self-regulatory capacity and cultivate secure attachment.

With that said, I’d like to say a sincere and heartfelt thank you for being here and for taking the time out of your day, to do exactly what you needed to to be here. Thank you for being intentional in this, and for carving out a space to do the big work.

Calm, alert and learning. We would all like for these words to describe our child’s experience of being in the world. These states are the foundation for connection, engagement and unique human expression. A big part of raising a child involves helping them navigate the BIG moments and emotions. Because if we do this, all the research shows that we’ll foster a greater sense of feeling safe, seen, soothed and secure in the world, which as we now know, is among the best predictors of resilience in life’s tough moments.

Each child’s Neurobiological profile is as unique as a fingerprint, and there are so many hidden and obvious stressors that lie beneath the iceberg of ‘Unexpected behaviour’. Explosive behaviours, meltdowns, and acts of externalizing anger are all signs of stress behaviour. Think of stress behaviour as the result of the ‘perfect storm’, an accumulation of a multitude of factors across several different domains. Again, this differs for each child, but what remains the same is that ‘stress behaviour’, means that the demands and expectations the child is faced with, outweighs the capabilities and resources they have to meet these demands. Beneath the behaviour is a child trying to communicate a need. As the bigger, wiser, kinder, stronger adults nearby, we can use their behaviour as a signal, a clue into their emotional or sensory world at any given time. Although it doesn’t feel like it at the time, a dysregulated nervous system is doing its best to keep us safe, as it has done since infancy. When framed this way, instead of seeing a child who needs to be controlled, we see a child who needs to be calmed. The aim here is to move away from behavioural compliance towards embodying & communicating physiological safety. Throughout the day we either help or hinder our child’s capacity to be calm and organized through our interaction with them (co-regulation). We only learn to successfully self-regulate in adulthood, it isn’t a skill we’re born with, it needs to be cultivated over time, and requires patience in the difficult and uncomfortable moments.

As a Neuroeducational Therapist, I specialize in navigating challenging behaviours. One of my biggest passions is developing Self-regulatory capacity. I’m the first to admit that so much of what littles do will ignite a reactivity within us — especially if we’ve shifted outside of our window of tolerance. Of course, I have my own insecurities, sore points and triggers. What’s worse, is that if as children, we didn’t receive co-regulation and guidance to acess the higher levels of problem solving, and were sent away in isolation, until we were ‘easy’ to be around, then heightened feelings of discomfort may arise during these moments. Truthfully, I still struggle with vulnerability. And I suspect this will be a lifelong journey towards cultivating a space in which I can freely express all spectrums of emotions. Which is why it’s important that during these moments, we start to examine the ‘inner critic narratives’ playing in our minds and our own bodily and stress responses at the time. During this time, you may have noticed your processing threshold has diminished? So much of what our littles do contributes to our processing threshold all throughout the day. Think of it like this, we need to fill our emotional cups first, before we can lend our calm and be grounded and available for the people that we love. When we become aware of the narratives, judgements, societal and familial programming that show up in our lives and begin to challenge and question them, we’re able to free up processing room and allow space for other experiences that require us to show up authentically. We’re also able to free up room if we are aware of the subtle and overt stressors that deplete our energy systems throughout the day. When we are able to do this, we are less likely to get triggered by our own past traumas, feelings of inadequacy and insecurities because we see and embrace the moment for exactly what it is.

A few emotional expression reflective journaling prompts that may be useful (or not) please feel free to take what resonates and leave the rest.

How was JOY experienced in your home? Was it experienced alone or with others? Were you loved and delighted in simply for being? Or was the love that you received conditional? Was sadness encouraged or discouraged in your home? Were you able to move through this emotion and seek comfort with the help of a trusted caregiver?

Behaviour is communication and children communicate through their bodies when they don’t have the tools required to communicate their experience in healthy and adaptive ways. This article focuses specifically on meltdowns, which are distinctly different from tantrums. I’ll unpack the difference briefly here, however, this should be an article in its own right. A tantrum is learned behaviour, behaviour elicits a response because it’s worked in the past. The way that we respond determines whether the behaviour continues or decreases. Tantrums occur because someone is watching, there is a definite trigger. Meltdowns occur in spite of whether someone is watching or not. They continue whether you intervene or not. There is no ‘one trigger’ that we can pinpoint, the meltdown represents the culmination of the ‘perfect storm' and all we can do is sit back and brace ourselves.

What happens to the brain during a meltdown?

The biggest misunderstanding is why meltdowns occur. They are almost always perceived as “bad behaviour / not listening / purposefully being defiant or trying to be difficult”. Meltdowns are not behaviour, they are a neurological response to an environmental mismatch. To understand what happens during a meltdown, it’s helpful to look into Paul MacLean’s theory of the Triune Brain — his idea that the human brain is composed of three distinct neural systems. At the bottom is the Reptilian brain: an ancient system that takes over when we are threatened.

Above this sits a “mammalian” Red Brain, where strong emotions and urges are triggered, and all sorts of communicative and social mechanisms operate beneath the threshold of conscious awareness. Above this sits the “neocortex”: The Blue Brain that it makes it possible for us to think, plan, learn, speak, be aware of others and be self-aware.

During a meltdown, the nervous system senses a threat, this may be an emotional, or environmental mismatch, a sensory overload, these differ based on each child’s unique Neurobiological profile and sensory preferences and whether they are under or over-responsive. We constantly check our environment for safety or danger cues, through a subconscious process called ‘Neuroception’. Safety cues move us up the neuroaxis, and danger cues move us back down.

Meltdowns trigger a fight, flight or freeze response in the brain, during this time, the Neo Cortex ‘thinking brain’ is not online, and words are of little use. Language, abstract thought, imagination and creativity are not accessible because the brain is not responding in a cortical and cognitive fashion (judgement, thinking, reasoning), it has shifted to the brainstem level. Under excessive stress, we regress and move further down the neuroaxis to the red and brown brain states. For an interesting and easy to understand explanation on this process, watch this Dan Siegel hand model video of the brain here. He calls this process ‘flipping your lid' and uses the hand model, which offers a helpful explanation for kids during moments of heightened emotion. It’s important to explain this process to them when they are in a calm and regulated state.

The key takeaway here is for parents struggling with any kind of behaviour that they find challenging is to consider whether their child is in Blue Brain, Red Brain, or Brown Brain.

By asking these important questions, we’re able to better understand which neural processes are dominant, and how to respond accordingly. When a child experiences a red brain, we need to shift gears and move to ‘soothing’ rather than ‘instructing’ or ‘controlling’. At this moment, instead of seeing an oppositional child, we see a child experiencing a fight, flight or freeze stress response. When we think about this happening and what they need from us, in order to be the higher-level brain states for them. Our wisdom is guiding those areas as we communicate together. Our actions, and emotions influence theirs and vice versa, through a process called Neuroception.

Another helpful visual to use to understand this process is the Polyvagal Ladder based on the life work of Stephen Porges and Deb Dana. This may be used to understand our Autonomic Nervous System state. We have 3 primary states of being in the world 1) Safe and Social 2) Fight or flight 3) Shutdown. Blue, red and brown brain. Using Perception, we constantly check our environment for signals or safety or danger and move up or down the ladder accordingly. Signals of safety move us up the ladder, while danger cues move us back down the ladder. Danger cues for neurodivergent children include loud sounds, bright lights, strong smells etc. Each state has its own somatic signature and felt sense in the body, emotions and behaviours. Understanding how to use this tool provides deeper insight into recognizing when we’re slipping out of the safe and social zone. In the safe and social zone, we’re connected, engaged, have access to problem solving and creativity and feel safe being in the world.

With all this said, how can we as caregivers, parents, and educators co-regulate our children’s emotions and get them back to the calm alert and learning state? Let’s break down by moving through the 3 phases of regulation.

Dysregulation may be thought of as a difficulty modifying or monitoring emotion or bodily sensations. Co-regulation refers to the thousands of experiences of sharing, organizing, calming feelings with the support of a trusted adult we perceive to be bigger, stronger, wiser and kinder than we are. Self-Regulation, Dr Stuart Shanker’s refers to the way in which we understand and experience stress in the brain and body, but also how we respond to and recover from that stress that we experience.

Now that we understand these states, let's unpack what that looks like in practice, during a meltdown.

Step 1: observe - during heightened emotional moments, it's helpful for us to stop for a moment and ask two questions, who need to be regulated, me or my child? Then second, “am I co-regulating or co-escalating right now?” Observe the behaviour, and recognize that beneath the behaviour is a child communicating a need. As parents and trusted caregivers, we should do our best to act as stress detectives as Dr Stuart Shanker terms it, once we’re done observing, we can move to the next step

Step 2: relating to the child by connecting with their emotions and body states, the key is to use non-verbal cues and avoid language. Examples include embodying safety and security, acting as a container and using our body to contain space and create a safe boundary. Be aware of the subtleties like body language, gestures, softened gaze, tone of voice and body positioning. These all send signals of safety and a sense of ‘feeling felt’. We can use our relationship as sensory information to ensure our children feel safe, seen and soothed. Dan Siegel refers to this as ‘attunement’. Connecting to the right hemisphere of ‘being’ with our children, instead of immediately focusing on problem-solving, we should first focus on connecting them to calm. Connect on the non-verbal level of being, model taking breaths, being present there, stay proximal —this is a huge signal to secure attachment, children need to know that there is a bigger, kinder, wiser, stronger adult present to help them move safely through the BIG moments.

During this step, it may be useful to utilize a sensory calm down kit, filled with sensory tools, like earplugs, noise-cancelling headphones, clay, sensory calm down timers, bubbles offer a great way to focus on the exhalation of the breath. If you don’t have one already, consider setting up a safe sensory retreat available for your child, a small “pocket of calm” to retreat to. Think in terms of comfy pillows, blankets, squirrel away tent, soft lights. It can be as simple as a calm corner (for small spaces). Turn off bright lights, remove visual clutter, give earplugs/headphones, play calm music. Allow your child to come out at their own pace, their nervous system will know. The 8 senses are powerful in getting our kids back online to the blue brain state, the vestibular, proprioceptive and tactile systems are considered the powerhouses and input to these senses can last for hours. Again, the emphasis is on filling their cups, so that they have an increased threshold to process the necessary and unavoidable things.

Step 3: validate and normalize how they feel, link the possible why, normalize the emotion, and show them that you see them. ‘Flipping your lid’ may be helpful here. Showing with a demonstration that the upstairs and downstairs brain aren’t communicating effectively. While we validate, we may use our voice and intonation in a way that is regulating and organizing for the child. As mentioned previously, the simple act of naming an emotion sends soothing neurotransmitters to calm the subcortical downstairs brain. Lower your body position to their level, demonstrate proximal safety cues. I wonder if you felt angry because Elijah didn’t throw the ball to you?

Step 4: Problem-solving in a connected and meaningful way

Once your child has returned to a calm and engaged state, then go to the language-based centres, ‘I wonder what we can do next time, instead of hitting Elijah? Carve out a space to open up the problem-solving centres from the inside out. The goal is to open up space for problem-solving, I wonder if we could…. Our kids recognize when we are present for them, be there together, staying in the angst, and help them recognize that emotions are safe and okay. This is a skill that they will learn, through thousands of repetitions with a trusted caregiver.

Signs your child may be experiencing a Meltdown:

We all have stress response tendencies that we use in order to cope. A few examples that this may look like includes:

Hitting, kicking, biting, spitting, pushing (especially while standing in line or in new challenging/overwhelming situations or activities)

 Trying to run or escape from the situation

 Trying to hide under something like a desk, table, or chair

 Avoiding all eye contact, or trying to curl up in a ball

 Covering ears or eyes

 Crying or screaming

 Shutting down completely and not speaking or responding or listening

 Even falling asleep unexpectedly

Over time, restorative meltdown management practices:

Apart from in the moment, practices, we can also implement restorative practices and help our spirited littles gain the tools to successfully navigate these BIG emotions.

Decrease sensory stimuli to a minimum. Sensory stimuli are any unnecessary noise, light, smells, colours, clutter, visual distractions, loud noise etc. Turn off lights, quiet space, sometimes calming soft music helps, Determine the self-regulatory systems, that your child finds soothing and organizing and coordinate activities accordingly. The proprioceptive and vestibular can be massively organizing and soothing. Lend them your calm, during moments of heightened emotion, they require a co-regulator, the computer of calm to get them back online Include a healthy sensory diet throughout the day, to ensure they’re receiving the input they need. As humans, we learn from the bottom up. What that means is that the sensory systems lay the foundation for learning and engagement. 98% of children with Autism Spectrum Disorder have a sensory processing disorder, delve deeper into this to examine what hidden stressors may be depleting their energy systems. Regular movement breaks throughout the day instead of a sudden burst of energy, e.g 1–2 minutes of skipping, jumping, hopping, running each hour, these are all ways to provide the sensory input your child may be craving. Figure out which sensory system your child uses to regulate, and incorporate that more frequently

My life work is to read, learn, educate and journey alongside you. I’d love to walk beside you as we navigate your child’s unique Neurobiological blueprint, to include at the moment to moment activities & long term restorative practices to help you feel calm, confident and connected to your child.

If you’re uncertain of what’s causing meltdowns and stress behaviour throughout the day, the Thayer Matrix may be a useful tool in tracking and mapping high tension and high energy and can provide clues as to ‘why a behaviour is occurring and why now’.

The upper right quadrant refers to high energy, high tension. High energy does not mean hyperarousal, it means that ‘I feel good and can meet the demands required of me’. It is often equated with the idea of flow. The bottom right refers to ‘the crash’, this is when you’re so tense and completely depleted — you have nothing left to give. It’s a hard and unhealthy state to be in. The Bottom left, low energy, low tension — best to go to sleep in that state. Really relaxed, not worried about anything. Upper left, is equated to our bliss state. My bliss state looks like travelling, writing, reading.

As humans, we learn to regulate by being regulated by another, this is the foundational way that we learn to be with emotions. Use our relationship as sensory information to help them feel safe and secure. Investigate what brings them joy, how do they experience joy, what does that look like? These positive interactions will act as an important scaffold of support through difficult and tough moments. Remember that joy and pleasure look different for everyone!

The vagus nerve is key to returning to the rest, digest and heal state, to get out of the inflammatory loop children are often stuck in. The best way to activate this physiologically healing state is through meditation. Yoga is also helpful as the body receives an incredible dose of full-body proprioception while the muscles are engaged in different poses. Deep breathing is excellent, this class DOJO video is helpful, otherwise blowing bubbles is a fantastic way to get children to take those big deep belly breaths while still having fun.

Fill their cups through connection and play, have some grace and take it day by day. Children learn best when they’re playing.

What remains consistent is that they require us to lend them our calm during moments of dysregulation. We are the greatest regulators available to our children. It’s important to emphasize whole-child wellness, this includes

Determine whether all routines are necessary, and prepare what can be prepared beforehand. E.g if school mornings are particularly challenging and your little struggles to get ready independently, help him/her lay their clothes out in the order that they should be put on, limit the amount of transition that needs to happen. A simple hand on the back (for children responsive to the tactile sense) may anchor and ground them in space. Implement a visual schedule, so that your child is able to look at the picture and copy what’s required, Pinterest is a great source for visuals.

Determine which sensory system is the most regulating for your child, this may require some time, patience and careful exploration. Maybe your child loves to hold on to a teddy bear during times of heightened stress, this is an indicator that the proprioceptive or tactile sense is regulating. Some love swinging, bouncing, all of which activate the vestibular system.

My wish is that you leave today feeling calm, confident and in your parenting flow. Grounded, available and equipped with a toolbox you can call on at any given time. If however, you still feel overwhelmed, don’t lose hope. Seek help and support in a way that supports your needs and values. In my one-on-one sessions, we will dive deeper into discovering your child’s unique ‘blueprint’ and devise a behaviour support plan to move forward and help you feel calm, connected and confident in your parenting flow. To learn more, please visit www.breakingboundaries.ca For your daily dose of calm and connection, please visit @breakingboundaries.ca