I’m Still the Same Grunge/Goth Weirdo You Knew in High School
By: Benjamin Sledge
Tags: Self-awareness, High School, Life Lessons, Self Care, Mental Health

There’s a reason movies, television, and books play out school clichés — much of it is grounded in reality. Kids tend to be cruel. Jocks like to beat up nerds, and with the rise of social media and viral videos, we’ve seen this play out in real time. Kids with glasses, autism, or goth clothing endure the brunt of bullying while someone now films them getting beat up.

A friend of mine once recounted how his experience was similar to mine. His bully would shove him over school railings or slam him into lockers. Like me, he was a metal kid, too, so his all-black clothing and beanies attracted insults. He wanted to be like the bands he listened to because music was his passion. His tormentor would also call him “faggot” because of his interest in the arts. But like the tired old movies preaching high school platitudes, my buddy became the lead singer for a successful metal band while his bully went nowhere.

Like the above stories, I ended up working in the music industry and for none other than the lead singer of my favorite metal band, August Burns Red. This proved wildly ironic given that I grew up during the height of Satanic Panic, where news outlets linked metal to the occult, and a wave of ill-informed hysteria swept the nation. By listening to hard rock or metal, the underlying belief was that you were apt to murder your parents, do crack cocaine, kick puppies, and worship Satan. Now here I was, an amalgamation of Reynold’s character from Just Friends, but not the version of me that was my truest form.

If you’ve read any of my work within this publication (HeartSupport) then you know that our work inside the music industry revolves around mental health. While I was passionate about mental health when I joined the organization, I also had personal uphill battles to face. I wasn’t great with mindfulness, rest, or self-care. Instead, I’d become codependent, bend over backward to appease everyone, and work myself to death. Deep down, I was still the kid trying to prove to everyone he wasn’t a loser.

Within those first few years at the company I had to learn a painful lesson — people don’t like the fake version of you. In reality, they prefer the quirky one that’s most authentic. Even harder still to learn was discovering that some people will hate the authentic version of you, and is something you’ll have to learn to live with.

My shift in self-care and acceptance came when I attended a marriage boot camp with my wife. A portion of the curriculum was personal self-improvement where you spend time in an intensive with other people in the boot camp. Recently, I’d started dressing how I wanted to and showed up wearing black skinny jeans and a low cut black scoop tee that showed off the numerous tattoos I’d collected. When walking into any room with strangers, you all evaluate each other and wonder, “what will they think of me?” So almost immediately I became self conscious.

During the intensive, the instructors required each person to go around the circle and state what they admired about someone. I was told by several people I was “stylish” which felt absolutely insane. I was just wearing clothes I liked that emulated how I felt internally. But it’s been a moment that stuck with me, encouraged me, and allowed me to become the purest, eclectic inner child weirdo version I’ve always wanted to be. Just by having that positive confirmation for once, I realized my tastes in art, life, music, religion, and dress would always confound people, but some of them may like it.

Plus my broad tastes would never fit into a box.

For instance, while I love a good suit, if I had my way, I’d have neck tattoos (if only my wife would let me!). Most days I wear all black and listen to music most people think is devil worship, and yet I’m known for being an insanely devout Christian and armchair theologian. I’m unabashedly in love with fall, pumpkin spice, and all things over-the-top white girl. I love horrible dad jokes and singing in falsetto, enough so that it irritates my spouse. I obsess over TV shows, movies, and certain foods to the point that my co-workers have created a Bingo! card full of Sledgeisms.

Current day and back in black baby! | Photo courtesy of author and taken by Morgan Hochstetler

There is much that can be made fun of on that list, sure, but the greatest lesson I’ve learned within the realm of self-care is that of radical self-acceptance. The most joyful version you’ll ever be is the one wired with all your quirks and idiosyncrasies. It’s what makes you unique instead of dying to be a copy of what the world deems “acceptable.”

That’s why today I’m proud that I’m still that loser metal kid from high school.

Because he’s the version that’s made me happiest in life.