Calling Out Bad Behavior Is Not It’s Own Kind Of Bad Behavior
By: Elle Beau
Tags: Society, Relationships, Feminism, Equality, Essay

And feminists aren’t the ones making women upset

Photo by Mirah Curzer on Unsplash

It’s a strange kind of cognitive dissonance to believe that it’s actually feminists and not some of our societal dynamics that are making women unhappy, although it’s not an uncommon assertion. From this perspective, instead of women responding to feminism because it resonates with their lived experiences, they are somehow being brainwashed. At least that’s what some people imagine. But why would someone ever think that?

I saw a comment the other day where someone claiming to be a therapist specializing in relationships seemed to be under the impression that women who wrote publicly about their own personal experiences were influencing other women, who then jumped on the bandwagon of negative beliefs about our culture. “All of these conversations are great on Medium, in forums, or at lectures and they are killing my marriages,” he complained.

Huh?! Do you really think your clients don’t have their own experiences with the exact same things (which is why they are called societal dynamics)? Instead, you actually believe that these women are just looking for a way to blame someone so they are inventing issues borrowed from other disgruntled women and that’s why women initiate about 70% of divorces? Whooo boy…

Fortunately, somebody pointed out to him that women were not necessarily happy with their lot in life long before the advent of the internet. In the 1950s and 60s, women took Valium. In fact, a lot of women took Valium, which was euphemistically called “mother’s little helper,” to try help them get through the day. It became one of the most widely prescribed drugs of the time. The Rolling Stones wrote a song about it.

In the 1970s women stopped trying to numb with Valium quite so much and instead began talking more openly about why they were experiencing anxiety and depression. A lot of it had to do with being pigeonholed into a life of second-class citizenship and housewifely servitude. At that time, women could legally be fired for being pregnant, couldn’t get a credit card or home loan in their own name, couldn’t go to Ivy League schools, etc., etc., etc. A wife was expected to have a spotless house and dinner on the table with a smile when her man came through the door, perhaps while she was wearing a Saran Wrap dress and offering a martini.

A recent study done by the American Sociological Association found that women overwhelmingly initiate divorces — in the case of college-educated women, 90% of them — but that non-marital breakups remain closer to 50–50. Lead researcher, Michael Rosenfeld concluded, based on what the study participants reported, that outdated expectations around marriage were a primary reason. Couples who live together but aren’t married don’t seem to feel as much pressure to conform to conventional spousal roles.

“I think that marriage as an institution has been a little bit slow to catch up with expectations for gender equality,” he said in a statement. “Wives still take their husbands’ surnames, and are sometimes pressured to do so. Husbands still expect their wives to do the bulk of the housework and the bulk of the childcare.”

Currently, about 29% of women outearn their husbands if both spouses are employed, but studies indicate that the more economically dependent a man is on his wife, the larger the percentage of the home-keeping chores that she actually does. This speaks to one of those pesky societal dynamics that most women aren’t too thrilled about. They don’t need to be indoctrinated into anything to feel upset about it.

In the face of such statistics, why would you jump to the assumption that everything was fine until feminists started pointing out to women that they should be unhappy about being stuck in a particular role — one which they may or may not naturally embrace? And why are the people who are speaking up about this the ones who are in the wrong? Why are they the problem?

There seems to be this idea amongst some people that talking about what’s wrong is its own kind of bad behavior. I’ve heard this as relates to racism as well. Apparently, pointing out that it’s dehumanizing to be followed around a store as an assumed shoplifter or having white people call the cops on you because you’re minding your own business someplace that you don’t belong is the real source of racial tension in this country, not the pervasive and systemic messaging to black people that they are thieves and thugs.

Patriarchy is a dominance-based hierarchy that affects more than just the power imbalance between men and women. It’s a system of classes and social stratification that includes race, economic class, education, as well as other factors. Until about the 1960s, everyone had a very clear place in the hierarchy, with rich white men at the apex and poor black women on the very bottom.

Although that system of stratification has become less rigid as women, non-whites, non-Christians, and gays have gained more positions of power and influence, for some people this disruption of the long-entrenched social order feels profoundly disturbing. It may be largely subconscious, but the belief that people should “know their place” is still quite strong.

The main beef with Megan Markle seems to be that a young black woman ought to be thrilled to be allowed to be a princess and that she should accept her elevated status as a blessing rather than pointing out all the ways that it is negatively affecting her life and her health. How ungrateful! She’s actually the one who is behaving badly!

Apparently marginalized people are supposed to take their lumps in stride. After all, one of the key components of the dominance hierarchy called patriarchy is that you must accept abuse from those with more power than you because they are above you. In turn, you are allowed to dole out abuse to those below you. This kind of kick the dog mentality (boss yells at dad, dad yells at mom, who then yells at the kids, who go and kick the dog) is deeply ingrained in our culture, even if it is mostly subconscious.

This is why people who speak up about the societal dynamics that are harming them are seen to be out of line. The only reason to think that someone who is bringing up something that hurts them is being divisive is that they are rocking the boat. Those closer to the top of the dominance hierarchy are supposed to be abusive.

In fact, that’s one of the qualities that we use to elevate people on the pyramid of power because in this dysfunctional culture that reads as strength. Not accepting your lot in life as someone who is in a position to receive abuse is trying to change the rules — and that feels disruptive to some people.

It’s not even that they are necessarily racist, sexist, or hateful. Some of them are to be sure, but I don’t think that relationship therapist was a bad person. I do think that he was falling into this trap, however, and refusing to look at the wider societal dynamics that are in play, for both partners in a marriage.

Most people don’t create their own lives or their own relationships. They fall into expected patterns and norms because that’s what they’ve been encouraged to do. If those outdated norms are a part of what’s causing friction in a relationship, it needs to be talked about, not glossed over as some kind of hysterical overreaction. I think that’s what’s tanking his marriages.

The alternative, which I can’t believe that anyone who is really thinking it through supports, is that black people should be more gracious about the negative experiences that they have based in cultural narratives and stereotypes. Women should just accept that catcalling and sexual harassment are a part of life and that 1 in 5 of them will be raped. Gay people should understand that it’s one thing to have a private relationship but if you want to be “gay in public” that you just might get beat up.

My response to this is No, that’s just idiotic and those people are not the problem. The perpetrators of violence, abuse, and harassment are the problem, and the culture that supports this kick the dog mentality is the problem. Calling out bad behavior and describing how you’ve been hurt by it is not another form of bad behavior. Too bad if it’s rocking the boat. It’s a rotted boat, and it needs to be replaced.

© Copyright Elle Beau 2020

Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story is appearing anywhere other than Medium.com, it appears without my consent and has been stolen.