Half on a mortgage: Is this the man you want to date?
By: Shamontiel L. Vaughn
Tags: Finance, Reality Show, Ready To Love, Relationships, Dating

Half on a mortgage and all the bills

When I was growing up, it was normal to see my two math-happy parents (one a credit union manager and the other a bank specialist) with separate checking and savings accounts and one joint account. Never in all of my childhood or adulthood did I hear phrasing like “the man has to take care of all the bills.” When money was tight with their main jobs, my father got a second job, and the boat cruised on. But I never saw my mother balk at the idea of paying some bills — and those two have been married for 40 years.

My grandparents were married for 49 years, and both worked at the same post office. I could go straight down the list of cousins, aunts and even god-relatives who were pounding the pavement. Housewives just weren’t common in my family, and it took a high school friend to show me how this manages to work. (In her case, she just quit her job altogether and told her husband she wasn’t going to work anymore once she was pregnant. They separated shortly after. This is not the way to make a decision like this, but her mother was a housewife so she assumed her husband would want that same lifestyle.)

So when I heard radio host Kristopher tell his new beau Nyya that they could split the mortgage, I didn’t bat an eye. When I bought my own condo unit, I’d just broken up with the guy I was dating. Paying my own bills didn’t particularly phase me nor did the idea of being a single homeowner. But the look on her face and that of her friend immediately let Kris (and me) know that this was the “wrong” answer to her. Although these two had been snuggled up on several episodes and kissing like they’d been sitting in a tree, she immediately snubbed him.

Photo credit: Giorgio Trovato/Unsplash

Shortly after, he was eliminated from the show with a dismissive wave and a mountain of disgust — as though she never liked him at all. I was startled, especially considering he tried to clean up his answer later on with her. But by that time, Nyya was back on the prowl, looking for another man on the show who could pay all of her bills. (Spoiler alert: Karma won this past Friday when she was eliminated, too, and her reaction was a level of crazy that fully showcased where her “representative” ended and where her real personality began.)

But similar to the Alisha versus David scenario, I could see both sides. I hate dating broke men, and I’ve long past the days of not admitting this. I tried it a few times. Rappers can make all the songs they want about women who wouldn’t date them before the fame and funds, but it is seriously frustrating to be sitting in a booth in Olive Garden with a man claiming the bill is “too high.” (The bill was $25. He tried to give our Asian waiter his mix CD as a “tip,” and told him he looked like Bruce Lee. We never went to a sit-down restaurant again.) I’ve also dated the guy who spontaneously decided we were going Dutch — after asking me out four times — because he didn’t know I “was hungry, too.”

But there’s an altogether different level of financing needed for real estate ownership and non-negotiable living expenses. If a woman is paying all of the bills with another grown-up in the household, she may as well be raising another child — not trying to have one with him. If the two already made the agreement that the husband (or boyfriend) would be a stay-at-home dad, totally different story. Do your thing. This middle ground of both being financial contributors is where I understood Kris’ view far more than Nyya’s view — unless the two mutually agreed on one parent staying at home permanently.

The problem with Nyya is not her views on financial stability. I wholeheartedly understand shying away from a man who cannot take care of his home. It was the complete dismissal, insulting him as though he was lucky to be with “one of the baddest” women in the house, acting like she’d never liked (nor regularly kissed, hugged and snuggled) him, and having absolutely no hesitation to dump him. Having different views on dating is one thing. It’s the hostility from both women about not being in alignment with the guys that made me lean more their way than going full-on “I am woman!”

Every season of this show, I end up siding with the guys 75 percent of the time — minus the Aarons and Bryans of the world (who are an absolute waste of time and use a lot of words to say nothing). But one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned so far is that it’s OK to respectfully disagree when it comes to relationship wants and needs without being disrespectful about it. I have my own dating deal-breakers that both strengthened and dwindled away in my 30s. With those dating deal-breakers though, it’s OK to let someone know they are not “ready to love you” without being hostile to them. May the dating game, and the money woes, continue.