Think before you speak
By: K. Robertson
Tags: Empathy, Unexpected Outcomes, Conversations, Awareness, Mindfulness

Think before you speak

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Do you remember that Friends episode where Rachel was getting ready to tell the father of her baby that she was pregnant? Do you even watch Friends or is that just a me thing? If not, let me give you a quick recap. Rachel was discussing with her friends how to tell the father that she was pregnant. All the while though, her thoughts had been on what a big deal being pregnant is for her. She hadn’t considered what a big deal it would be for the father. Here’s the clip if you wanna watch:

I think of this clip now because of how annoyed I feel this morning. After yesterday’s unexpected conversation, I feel unsettled. I feel bothered. I feel like my life has been upended. Now I know that sounds dramatic and it probably is, but it is how I feel right now. Had I known this would be how I would feel after the conversation, I wouldn’t have responded. I wouldn’t have opened up myself to this.

Note that the conversation itself was pleasant. The person actually seems very nice. The problem is that she reached out looking for an answer, which I provided, however, she wouldn’t oblige me with providing the answers I in turn required. She wanted to know why I had her blocked on social media. She thought it could have been because of our mutual friend. I wanted to know how she connected me to the person. I don't think that would have been too difficult a question to answer, but she opted not to provide one.

Now I have even more questions. Why wouldn’t she answer? How did she come to know about me? Did our friend talk about me? What did he say? Are things still being said about me? I wasn’t expecting she’d have answers for all these. I wouldn’t have asked her all these questions. But now the interaction feels disruptive. Look at all that has spiralled out of being asked something has seemingly innocent as “why did you block me”?

I can’t imagine that the young lady meant to be harmful or disruptive, like I said she seemed nice. But like Rachel in the clip, I dont think she was thinking of how her question would impact me. She wanted answers and sought them out. She got them, but she has left me feeling unsettled in the wake of her search.

As we go through our day to day interactions with people, I think we have to be mindful of what we leave behind. It may have no further impact on us, but it may have unforeseen consequences for those we come in contact with. Think about some of the innocent, well-meaning comments you may have made.

“Hey!! Havent seen you and your husband/wife here in a while, how is he/she doing?”

“Ooooh the baby is getting big, time for another one!”

“Congrats on the new job! I cant believe you got a job there”

“Are you really gonna move to that neighbourhood/state/country?”

None of these questions are inherently bad, but they could be triggers for the person you are talking to. They could leave your conversation partner feeling things you never intended. And while, usually, you can’t be held responsible for how people feel, you can take the time to be mindful of your impact.

We can all take the time to be more mindful of the impact of our words. Some words can come off judgmental and mean to some, while to others those same words are meaningless. It may seem like you are being asked to walk on eggshells. It may seem like its better to say nothing than, to risk saying something. While that is one option, its not the one I’d encourage. I would want folks to really think about what they are doing and saying.

If you are going out of your way to have a conversation with someone, think about how it may impact them. If you are going to be asking questions and expecting answers, its only fair that you be prepared to respond to questions if asked. If you are going to be touching a sensitive topic, be prepared for emotions (good or bad) to run high. If you want honesty, you have to be prepared to give it. If you are going out of your way to engage someone, you have to keep in mind that they are as complex and multi-faceted as you are. You have to keep in mind that though well-intentioned, your actions may be devastating and disruptive and unfortunately, outcomes can become unpredictable.