How I Battled Anxiety, Panic Attacks and Depression
By: Morten Jensen
Tags: Depression, Mental Health, Freedom, Panic Attack, Anxiety

“What is the toughest situation or period you’ve ever been through in your life?”

A question presented to me quite recently, and one that — perhaps, unfortunately — I could answer quickly without a moment’s hesitation. Like most people, I have faced many difficult situations in my life, including coming out as gay, moving country, breakups, losing a loved one, and many more. Obviously, some things are harder than others, but getting over anxiety, panic attacks, and depression, has without a doubt been the most difficult for two reasons. One — the perceived loss of control together with the overwhelming and incredibly intense feelings of fear are paralyzing, and two — the length of time it takes to fight something so intense makes it so much harder.

In a world where the subject of mental health is still taboo and not very well understood, it is no wonder that so many of us become subject to some sort of mental illness (almost 50% of adults in the US will experience a mental illness during their lifetime). Unfortunately, some people never make it through to the other side, but for those of us that do, we can only hope to be of service to other people who may be going through similar situations but speaking up about our experiences. Although I do not hold accreditations in the mental health field, I do have the first-hand experience, so as someone who did make it through, and with the power of hindsight, I wanted to share my personal experience.

It’s ok to ask for help

A few months after I experienced my first panic attack in 2011 (more about that here), I realised that I wouldn’t able to fight this on my own, so I decided it was time to ask for help. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and after explaining the situation, he immediately prescribed Xanax. I have never been a fan of taking pills for anything — I would only ever do so in extreme cases — so the prospect of having to take Xanax actually upset me. Especially as at the time, I had no idea what it was. I explained this and asked if he could refer me to a therapist instead. Not a problem — he referred me to a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist and suggested I still take the prescription just as a precaution and in the case of “emergencies”. I agreed, mainly because I really did not want to experience any more panic attacks. However, looking back I wish I hadn’t as I will explain later.

I didn’t know what Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) meant, and I was worried that I would have to sit there and talk about my childhood for weeks and months on end until we would figure out what the problem was. To my surprise, CBT does not focus on the past. Instead, it helps you identify faulty or unhelpful thinking patterns and behaviours, whilst providing strategies to help you change those patterns and behaviours. Anxious as I was, I learned a lot during my first meeting and in the end, I only had 4 sessions (plus 2 follow-ups a year later).

Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash

Back then, this was as far as I was willing to go about letting other people in on my “secret” (except for my husband and a few select friends who had been present during an anxiety attack). My pride had taken a massive hit and I was not prepared to show my “weakness” and the fact that I needed “therapy” — I felt ashamed. Ashamed because of the stigma attached to mental illness and because I saw myself as weak. I felt incredibly lonely, which is a big part of the problem with social stigma around mental health. It isn’t talked about in the same way we talk about a broken bone or any other physical health issue and because of that, so many people suffer unnecessarily in silence. Ironically, one of the key components in getting better is to let it all out in the open as this allows you to see and accept the problem for what it is and start to take steps towards fighting it. It allows your loved ones to help and support you, but they cannot do so if they don’t know what is going on in your mind.

When I finally began to open up about my situation, I realised there was no need to feel ashamed. I was met with nothing but support from everyone around me and it was a big step in the right direction. I also learned that I was definitely not alone. Once I opened up, other people around me unexpectedly shared their own experiences with mental health issues. Now, I know first-hand how difficult it is to share what you are going through and I am not suggesting that anyone who experiences mental illness opens up to everyone at once. However, if you can start sharing with someone you trust unequivocally you are on your way to a brighter future.

Of course, friends and family members aren’t (usually) mental health professionals, yet they are just as important (if not more) as the therapist because they will serve as your foundation and form your essential support network when your therapist is no longer needed.

Knowledge and understanding are key

Once I learned and understood what was going on, I could begin to take appropriate steps towards overcoming this ordeal. This involved implementing many new behaviours which I will list below, however, what probably helped me the most was my fundamental belief that I would get better, even if it would take me years (which it did). That belief came from the fact that I understood my mind had been hijacked. I knew that I did not use to think in those negative patterns that I had now developed, so I absolutely knew that I would be able to unlearn those patterns. And with that, I created a vision of the future that never left my mind — even during the worst of times. In that vision, I saw myself as healthy, both physically and mentally. I would keep coming back to this vision every single day and over time it became much more detailed.

So this is where it began:

Identify your values

During the process of identifying my faulty thinking patterns, I realised I had gotten myself into a situation that was completely out of alignment with my values. Wait — values, what are those? I had no idea what my values even were. So I had to figure that out first. Not an easy thing to do and it took quite some time. However, identifying what is important to me, paved the way for the next steps.

Adjust your path

Part of the identification process was realising that I was in the wrong job — actually, I was in the wrong career, but it took a bit longer to figure that one out — so I quit.

Let me hasten to say that I was in a very privileged position given my husband was able (and willing) to financially support us both while I was figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, so I am not suggesting you just go and quit your job with no back-up plan.

Quitting my job was a huge step and truthfully quite scary. But I knew I had to if I wanted to see changes. And I did. In fact, I wanted to see a massive change.

Face your fears

I wanted to send an earth-shattering shock through my system to wake me up from this nightmare I was going through. For a while, I had been playing with the idea of doing things that scared me and I tried a few different things, but it was never quite enough. None of it was life-altering. I’d been reading self-help books suggesting that you start slowly with smaller things, but that just wasn’t enough for me. I decided to do something big and drastic and joined a one-month volunteering project in Pokhara, Nepal.

Now, this may not seem like a big deal to some people, but for someone who is anxious almost all the time and perceiving most everything and everyone as a threat, going to a foreign country on your own, for any length of time is terrifying. And I was going for a full month. To a country which had suffered one of the most devastating earthquakes in its history only one year prior; knowing that I would have to fly domestically with an airline blacklisted in the West and having to spend a couple of days completely alone before joining the project. Yeah, this was exactly what I needed!

Of course, by the end of it, I wanted to stay for much longer having totally fallen in love with the country and its people, plus I met some incredible people from all over the world, some of which are close friends of mine today.

The point is, the only way out is through. You have no other option than to face your fears and then do it anyway — that is if you want things to change. But make it personal to you. Taking a trip like this one is not for everyone and in some cases can have the opposite effect (which actually happened to someone who I was volunteering with and they had to leave the project early).

Meditation and breathing exercises

In preparation for my trip to Nepal, I knew I needed tools to be able to calm myself in case my mind decided to spin out of control in fear. By far, the most useful tools for me were meditation and certain breathing exercises. Like many people, I was skeptical about meditation in the beginning and I really didn’t think I could “learn to meditate” and “stop my thoughts”.

Of course, I now know that meditation is not about stopping your thoughts at all — that is an impossible feat, because the brain never stops. Meditation is a practice in which you allow thoughts to come and go without judgment while trying to focus on the present moment. It is a practice that develops over time and for many people it is very uncomfortable when they begin. However, in time, like everything, it becomes easier and can be life-changing. It certainly has been for me and I cannot recommend it enough. If you are new to it (and breathing exercises), you can find thousands of guides online so there really is no excuse.

Try new things

When I came home from Nepal, it was time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I got to work on myself and started down a whole new path — I signed up for a personal training certification course. When I was working on my values, I had realised that health was my number one priority and I had neglected it for years. So I thought this was a good place to start. And it was because it led me to nutrition and health coaching and helping other people become healthier, which I absolutely love. Along the way though, I considered many other options including getting into travel and hospitality, entertainment, and teaching.

What’s important here is that you really don’t have to have everything figured out all the time. We all change throughout our lives, whether deliberately or not, and what you are doing right now doesn’t have to be what you are doing in 5 or 10 years. Trying new things opens up new opportunities and allows you to grow as a person. So I encourage you to be open and embrace new adventures.

Exercise and nutrition

During my training, my exercise routines became much more consistent while my nutrition massively improved. This was a game-changer as I noticed improvements to my mood, my energy levels, and my cognitive function. I could actually start to see a way out and I became obsessed with improving my overall health, no matter how many setbacks I would encounter — and there were many.

Eliminate toxic influences

As my mood continued to improve, I began to notice the triggers that caused me to feel stressed out and my mood to dip. To counter that, I went on news and social media blackout (the only news I would allow was from goodnewsnetwork.org) and deleted those apps from my phone plus I muted all other notifications — I wanted to be in control of when I picked up my phone, not the other way around. In addition, I unsubscribed from all email newsletters and offers and I organised my house and workspace to eliminate all outside stressors. Suddenly I felt as if I could breathe again.

Of course, shutting out news and social media will not solve all your problems. For some, the immediate environment may also have a major impact on your life and it did for me. I was trying to change my life around, yet everyone around me weren’t changing with me. Not that I was expecting them to, but I hadn’t factored in what this would mean.

What it meant was I had to start saying no to certain things, which meant I would be seeing less of certain people. Given that I was determined to better myself and be healthier, it was a price I was willing to pay. Because it meant I would no longer go out for late-night binges and drink myself into oblivion. It meant I would no longer waste my time complaining about things out of my control or spend time in places I had no interest. It was another huge relief.

Morning routine

Another tool I used in managing my mood was to build in a rigid morning routine. My day would usually start like this: I would get out of bed and immediately stretch my neck and the rest of my body. I would then meditate before having a cup of tea while watching a Ted Talk or other motivational online video to really amp up my mood. After that, I would have breakfast and be ready to go about my day. Having a morning routine helps to build in structure and discipline and can mean the difference between being in control of the day and being controlled by the day.

Journaling

I was never one for journaling, but at some point, along the way, it was suggested to me so I gave it a go. Whenever I would feel stressed out, anxious, or depressed I would open my laptop and start writing and let it all out. Even if it didn’t make any sense.

This turned out to be incredibly helpful and I am still doing it today. Journaling doesn’t have to be about your deepest, darkest fears and secrets it can be about anything you want. Musings about your business ideas, the state of the world, your opinions, or just a way to get recurring thoughts out of your head. After a while, you might notice a sense of relief and clarity.

Putting this all down on paper almost makes it seem easy, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. This was a very long and difficult process with many setbacks along the way that made me want to run away from everything. However, as I mentioned in the beginning, somehow I just knew that I was able to get my mind back and that is ultimately what kept me pushing.

Photo by Nghia Le on Unsplash

I also mentioned at the beginning that I wished I hadn’t taken that Xanax prescription from my doctor. And the reason is, it was so hard to get rid of them in the end. It had almost become an addiction and I wasn’t even taking them. I was only carrying them around with me, “just in case”.

But for such a long time, I couldn’t leave the house without them — even though I knew I didn’t really need them. However, I decided I didn’t want to be reliant on anything but myself so slowly, I began to leave my house without them. Gradually, I experimented with going to places that could trigger a reaction and over time it became easier and easier, and eventually, I forgot about them and wouldn’t even think about it when leaving the house. And now I am free!

Thank you for reading, I really appreciate you taking the time. If any of this resonates with you, feel free to share your own experiences. I am obsessed with learning about people overcoming struggles and welcome any and all comments.