It’s Always Sudden
By: Karyn Ben Singer
Tags: Loss, In Memoriam, LGBTQ

I can’t recall the exact moment when I first collided with Mattie Wheeler, but I know it was in community college, in the theatre department, that we would become fast friends, and that we would spend many moments over the following 20+ years finding ways to collaborate. We were both queer kids from conservative families, figuring ourselves out and the finding ways to express those discoveries. Mattie was the kind of person who said what they were thinking, who didn’t hold back, the ultra-extrovert to my very neurotic introvert.

As Titania in a production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream (2015)

Around that time, we were both cast in The Philadelphia Story, I (blurring gender lines), as the brother who’s completely written out of the film version, and Mattie as the butler. I don’t think the butler even had lines, but Mattie managed to upstage us all and earned the praise of our director who ultimately challenged us to keep up. And that’s how Mattie always was, someone who could swoop in and command the attention of the room, who wasn’t afraid to just “go for it.” Once, while waiting in line to attend a Tori Amos concert, they approached me with the question, “Who’s the girl who plays Willow’s girlfriend on Buffy?” and I, the long-term, hardcore Buffy fan easily replied, “Amber Benson.” Mattie’s response? “She’s up there in line, I’m going to say hello.” I seethed with envy as my friend made casual conversation with someone whose name they hadn’t even remembered five minutes earlier. But that’s who and how Mattie was. Effortlessly unworried about easily connecting with people.

Mattie was in the first play I ever wrote, the first “actual” movie I made, the first stage play I directed. They were game for any of it and it felt like we were always tossing around ideas about web series or podcasts we could do together. In 2016, they were a major character in the series I was developing, a project we both were excited about (but when wasn’t Mattie excited about performance?) and that was slated to begin crowdfunding that fall. Until the election happened and we both poured our creative energy into political action. After that point, it was less about running into each other to create art and more about meeting up to create change. A rally at the congressman’s office? Mattie was there. A Q&A event for a new congressional candidate? Mattie was there. Town halls, protests, any of it. Mattie was there. For every one event I showed up at, I know Mattie was showing up ten fold.

Celebrating marriage equality (2015)

In one of our last text exchanges just last month, Mattie asked if I was interested in being a political delegate as they had a slot open. When I politely declined, citing literally every stressor of 2020, Mattie replied, “No worries…I figured I would ask. You don’t know if you don’t ask, right? Lol. I am pretty sure you taught me those words of wisdom lol.” At the time, I just laughed and replied that I likely issued that advice in response to some party situation, back in the early aughts, when we were in our twenties and doing ill-advised shots at cast parties. But now, I think about how my fearless friend, the one who hosted drag shows and waved signs at street corner rallies, felt they needed that advice from me, once upon a time. And yet, I feel like I’m the one who learned so much about stepping up, showing up, and speaking up from them.

I don’t remember the first time we met, but I will remember hundreds of interactions that followed: The college performances, the ghost hunting (and perhaps they weren’t quite as fearless on those quests, but really, none of us were), the cast parties that rolled well into the early morning hours, the movies where they served as both cast and crew, the brainstorming sessions about how to bring their alter-ego, Juicee Couture, into the limelight with a podcast or a music video, the activism to make change and make things better…

Even after putting down as many words as I have, I feel like I haven’t even begun to touch on the fiery and furiously electric energy that Mattie brought into any room. Which is perhaps just my quiet, introverted way of saying that I will truly miss my friend.

There is currently a Go Fund Me to assist with funeral expenses:

https://gofund.me/49ef939f