The 50 Shades of Gray in Parent-Child Estrangement
By: Beth Bruno
Tags: Parenting, Family, Relationships, Life, Self

The 50 Shades of Gray in Parent-Child Estrangement

We can’t judge them all from our own experience

Photo by Wladislaw Peljuchno on Unsplash

Every one of us who is estranged from a parent or a child has a story. Our stories may share some common themes, but they are all different in some way because every family is different.

My daughter walked out of my life nearly 10 years ago. Our relationship had been difficult but I chalked that up to typical teen-aged daughter stuff. Then her father and I divorced and things got harder. I was working to make things better, so I was not ready for what happened next. She ghosted me. Cut me off. She blocked me from her phone. She unfriended me on Facebook. She refused to answer my e-mails. She was 18 years old.

A couple of years ago I started writing about it as a way to try to understand what had happened. In the years since she has left, she has never communicated with me. She never said, “This is why I never want to see you again, Mom.” I was at a loss.

Writing about it made me see that I was in the middle of a life crisis at the time and probably did not see the clues all around me. I was trying to be the best mom I could be for her, but I was pulled in so many directions. I can see where I missed the memo, and I know that I made mistakes. Writing helped clarify these things for me, and I found out that I was not alone.

I was not prepared for the response that I got from my stories. Other parents shared their stories and thanked me. The daughters — oh boy — they were not thanking me, they were blasting me. This is when I learned that estrangement is more common than I thought and that it is not black and white. It is mostly gray, and not just one shade of gray. 50 shades.

This is why we should not be so quick to judge when someone tells us they are estranged from their child or their parents. You can’t always say that the parents are at fault and the child is the victim. It would also be inaccurate to say that the child is an ungrateful wretch and the parents didn’t do anything to deserve this. It’s not that simple. Even good parents make mistakes and children come into the world with their own personalities. Things get complicated when we try to paint estrangement with a broad brush.

There are many parents who have abused and traumatized their children. There are parents who have neglected or abandoned their children. These parents have unresolved trauma of their own, which does not justify their treatment of their child, but can shed light on why. Children who estrange themselves from these parents do so because it is unsafe for them emotionally or physically to stay in relationship with them.

Then there are the parents who are unskillful parents but not abusive. They meet their children’s physical and social needs, but have no idea how to meet their emotional needs. These parents also have unresolved issues that prevented them from learning how to be ok in themselves, so they have no way of being ok with their children. They are critical, demeaning, harsh, manipulative, and sometimes unloving. Many children walk away from parents like this, too. On the surface, these look like great parents, but the kids suffer from attachment issues, anxiety, and guilt.

Then there are the helicopter parents. They hover over their children so closely that their kids can hardly breathe. They are controlling and overbearing. They don’t see that they are doing this. They would say that they are really close to their children, when in fact they are enmeshed. When kids walk away from them it is to find a separate self.

There are parents who need their child to meet their emotional needs because they have never learned to do this for themselves. This is a tremendous burden for a child — even an adult child. Again, these parents are not monsters, they are just carrying around their wounds like a child themselves, asking someone to make them better. Children of these parents need the separation to protect their own mental health.

Divorce can throw a monkey wrench in a parent-child relationship like nothing else can. No matter how old the child, they may feel pulled and torn between the parents, causing them to think they have to choose sides. If the divorce is rancorous, even more so. If the child’s world is upended like my daughter’s was, it may cause them to lay blame on one parent or the other. In my case, she blamed me.

I have heard from adult children who have tried over and over again to get their parents to see what they are doing that is hurtful, only to be told that it’s all in their head. Their parents deny, deny, deny until the child feels they have no choice but to walk away. This is painful for the child, but unless a parent has the ability to self-reflect, they will not be able to see what the child is trying to point out to them.

All of us as parents have unresolved issues and traumas, some more severe than others. Much of our trauma is passed down from generation to generation, and we don’t even realize that we are acting out of deeply embedded issues that are keeping us stuck. This does not make us terrible people, or even terrible parents, but it does cause some kids to distance themselves in order to protect themselves from the fall-out. But it would be wrong to call these parents toxic or even narcissistic. They are merely human, and humans don’t always get it right.

Even in the case where a parent is less than perfect, there may be only one child that estranges, while the rest of the siblings don’t. How can you explain this? If it was all the parent, wouldn’t all the kids bail? In my case, I think it was the age of my youngest daughter when the divorce happened. It had a greater impact on her than on her older siblings. Also, personality comes into play here, and the roles kids tend to fall into in a family dynamic make a difference in whether they choose to estrange themselves.

A child with mental illness, a personality disorder, or who has never learned to deal with disappointment, conflict, or misunderstanding may choose to estrange themselves through no fault of their parents. Children who have mental illnesses may verbally and emotionally abuse their parents and then ghost them as a power play. Keeping the grandchildren away from them is the ultimate punishment. These parents may have made mistakes, but their child’s mental illness makes it impossible to find common ground to work on those. And in the child’s mind, the parents are the ones who are toxic.

Sometimes, when a child marries, the spouse may influence the child to cut ties with the family. We had that situation in our family, where the wife was so jealous of the close family relationship that she made it miserable for the husband to spend time with his family. This estrangement was no fault of his parents, but was his attempt to keep the peace with his wife. This is not an uncommon scenario.

Then there are children who simply walk away, without any explanation. The child may think they have made it clear what the problem was, but the parent is in the dark. Or maybe they never even tried to make it clear why they were cutting contact. This can come across as passive-aggressive, but many times the child just does not have the skills to handle their pain any other way. Or, it was an impetuous act and their guilt and shame for what they have done keeps them from reaching back across the divide.

I have heard estranged adult children say that all they want is for their parents to acknowledge what they have done and apologize. But this is tricky if the child has cut off all contact. And parents don’t always know what the child wants them to apologize for. Some of us have apologized to no avail. There is no black and white. Each estrangement has its own nuances, cast of characters, and storyline.

What is the same in each case is the wide range of painful emotions that the parent feels. Shame, grief, bewilderment, and anger sweep over them in waves, knocking them off their feet and destabilizing the ground beneath them. No matter why their child left, whether the parent shares the blame or not, the sorrow is the same. It is a development in the parent-child relationship that none of us prepares for, or ever even considers as a possibility.

Both parents and children need to guard against the temptation to think that all estrangements are the same. A child who walked away from a ‘toxic’ parent may think that all parents with estranged children are toxic. This is far from the truth.

If you are an estranged parent, the temptation may be to think that all children who estrange themselves are selfish, ungrateful wretches. This may sometimes be the case, but not always.

It will serve us better to take the time to look at ourselves, and all the other moving parts, and see that estrangement doesn’t happen in a vacuum.

There are so many scenarios in estrangement that it is unwise to think that because you have experienced it you understand all estrangements. Every family dynamic is different, making every estrangement different.

If you are suffering from an estrangement, whether you are the child or the parent, allow me to extend compassion and my wish for you to find peace and healing. It is unhelpful when we blame others without understanding all the many elements that go into each individual estrangement. We need to stop seeing all estrangements through the same lens and realize that each one is a variation on a theme, and not the theme itself.

While all estrangements are different, the common denominator is that everyone is hurting. Everyone is carrying unresolved issues that are keeping them from finding their way back to relationship. We all deserve to be held in compassion. Maybe one day, if we work to heal ourselves, parent-child estrangements will be a thing of the past. Until then, walk softly around those who are experiencing it, and refrain from judging. We are all just doing the best we can do.