Having Regrets Is A Good Thing — Here’s Why
By: Eric Sangerma
Tags: Regret, Life, Self, Decisions, Mental Health

Regret Takes Mental Work

The mechanism of regret isn’t actually straightforward. It requires quite a bit of cognitive work.

Little kids aren’t able to regret their actions at all, and even bigger kids struggle with factoring regret into the decisions they make.

In fact, according to a study published in 2014: “Although children develop the ability to experience regret between 5 and 7 years of age, they do not appear to be able to anticipate regret until later than this.”

As a parent, I can attest to this.

“If you don’t do your homework now, you’ll be sorry later” is something kids and even teenagers struggle to grasp. They may understand it abstractly, but they can’t quite visualize it. When you’re young, you feel that tomorrow’s problems can wait until tomorrow.

And when you’re even younger than that, you can only live in the present. “You ate your ice cream too quickly, that’s why your stomach hurts now” doesn’t make much sense to a four-year-old.

Regret means connecting your past decision with your current state of being. But it’s not just about drawing conclusions or feeling badly about what you did.

When you ask “what should I have done instead?”, you must use your imagination and make deductions based on the information you have about life. Regretting a decision requires you to construct an imaginary world where you chose differently.

These are called counterfactual thoughts and they’re a core component of regret. They require a great deal of mental work, and they’re based on your life experiences.

Now, my cousin isn’t a particularly imaginative guy. Maybe he doesn’t have regrets because he doesn’t like to daydream about other possibilities. He sticks to the real world. But that can’t be all there is to it, can it?

“We Only Regret The Chances We Didn’t Take”

You’ve probably seen this inspirational quote printed across an image of a starry sky or a sunset. Sometimes it’s attributed to Lewis Carroll (but he’s probably not the one behind it).

We can all agree that some inspirational sayings are pure nonsense. But it turns out that this one is actually well-founded by science.

Psychologists say that there are two kinds of regret, and we experience them differently.

Regret for things we did is immediate and overwhelming. You messed something up, and your brain floods you with mental images of what you should have done instead. It causes emotional distress, and it can come with feelings of embarrassment, anger, sadness, and so on. Regret for things we didn’t do tends to develop more slowly. But when this kind of regret takes root in your mind, it’s very hard to eradicate. You can’t stop tormenting yourself with questions about what something would have been like — if you’d only had the courage to do it. The biggest, longest-lasting, most unpleasant regrets all fall into this category.

Allianz, the insurance company, surveyed their clients (over the age of 50) about the top regrets they have in life. Here are a handful of the top ones:

not spending enough time with one’s kids or parents,

not finding fulfillment,

not traveling,

not seeking help.

Interestingly, “getting a divorce” and “not getting a divorce” both ranked highly too.

Risk-takers might be less prone to regrets in the long term. They try everything. They forge ahead in life and don’t stop to think about what could have been. Their life is simply too busy and there’s no time for quiet contemplation.

It’s fairly clear why this attitude is appealing, especially on social media. However, I don’t think it’s the best approach to take.

Too Much Regret Can Mess You Up…

When I let go of my pettiness, I can admit that my cousin’s philosophy has some upsides.

He seems happy in his marriage now, and I’m glad he didn’t stop trying to find love. As far as I know, he is still looking for investment opportunities, too. Even though I don’t agree with his choices, I’m glad he didn’t sink into apathy.

Too many people let regret overpower them. They become passive, timid, and they spend too much time daydreaming. So yes, there’s definitely such a thing as taking regret too far.

It’s just that the other extreme isn’t necessarily better.

… But Regretting Your Mistakes Is Still Necessary

People who never stop to think about past decisions tend to act recklessly.

Since they never think about their mistakes, they miss the opportunity to learn and grow. They keep making the same mistakes over and over again, and they never take responsibility for how their life is going. They refuse to admit that life doesn’t owe them happiness.

Not only that, they’re irritating to be around. They come across as insincere and untrustworthy. In job interviews, when a candidate tells me they have no regrets about their past work experiences, I assume that they’re either arrogant or out of touch with reality.

So, regret serves a social purpose too.

According to social psychology expert Amy Summerville, it “signals to people that we’re learning from our experiences and that we’re going to make changes as a result. Not having that emotional reaction is really actually kind of troubling if there is harm that’s happening.”