How Not to Be a Casualty of Who Hurt You
By: Wendy S. Bradfield
Tags: Personal Growth, Relationships, Life Lessons, Forgiveness, Love

6 Effective ways to make your healing personal

Photo by Ali Pazani from Pexels

Recently, I met someone who lit a fire in my chest. And before we had a chance — I cut it off. I became paralyzed with fear as I let the memories of the past flood over me. You know the thoughts…they are all the same, cheaters, liars, crazy, jealous.

They pursued, and I refrained. Finally, I responded, albeit too late. My heart is bruised, but this time, by my own hand.

They say time heals all wounds, but what no one tells you is time only heals wounds you decide to let go of. Otherwise, our wounds remain open to infection at the slightest hint of something new.

Why do we carry the past for as long as we do?

It’s easy to feel like the product of who hurt you. I gave up on my healing a few years ago, after a devastating separation. I let my pain become part of my foundation. The unhealed part took root and became a filter through which I saw everything. The pain of the past controlled my present, future, and my happiness.

Neuroscience says the brain processes negative experiences differently than positive ones and that our brains absorb challenging events more fully. Thus, it’s easier to preserve the memories we ruminate on. Unfortunately, science is not on our side.

Perhaps we keep the past alive because it gives us the illusion of safety — I’ll never make that mistake again. But an impenetrable wall of fear does not provide safety — it cuts you off from your feelings and distorts your self-image.

Often times we keep the past alive because we are afraid to be happy again — only to have it disappear.

It’s easy to feel like isolation is protection, but it’s not. When you isolate yourself and suppress your feelings, you inhibit your ability to grow beyond your past. This is not protection. This is self-destructive.

How long should you wear the filter of your past?

When you keep the past alive, you begin to build up around it, and it changes who you are. While the past is important, how long should we allow it to influence our decisions?

Sometimes, we use our filters like scar tissue to remind us of the danger of surrounding experiences that make us feel vulnerable. But there comes a time when you decide to remove the filter or leave it on. If you leave it on, you forget about it, and you suffer because of it.

How long is it helpful to filter our experiences through the lens of the past when it was emotionally damaging?

Consider thinking about the cost of tomorrow today. When you let the present filter through your past, the consequences are more damaging than you know.

When you hang on to the past, your future is on hold

The past offers nothing — no safety, growth, or promise. If you are still thinking about the past, chances are, you may blame yourself for it. Psychology Today suggests reframing the past. In this way, you can acknowledge the role you played, accept it wasn’t ideal, and stop looking for someone to blame.

It’s within your power to repair the damage left in the aftermath of a painful ending. It takes courage and commitment. Is it time to dispel the myths you believe about your capacity to grow and change?

How can you let go of the past?

Here are 6 ways to get you started:

1. Gratitude

Consider letting go of your attachment to who you think you are and how you think things should go. Remember the good times, acknowledge what happened, and have gratitude for the present. When you focus on what you gained rather than what you lost, you grow in the right direction — towards the present.

2. Ritual

Ritual makes it real on the physical plane — don’t keep the painful thoughts hidden. Bring them out into the open and see them for what they are: Gone. Hold a letting go ceremony. Delete the photos, burn the keepsakes, listen to some sad songs, and cry it out. Give the past its due, and say goodbye once and for all.

3. Compassion

Author Preston Ni of How to Let Go of Negative Thoughts and Emotions says, “Have compassion for yourself and for the pain you’ve suffered.” When you show yourself compassion and forgiveness, letting go becomes a natural next step.

4. Ask questions

Stop telling yourself how things are and start asking yourself how you want them to be. What do you have to gain?

How is life calling you?

What gives you strength from the inside?

What are you building?

What are you avoiding doing because it’s hard or scary?

Sometimes a simple question is enough to engage you with the part of yourself that needs nourishment.

5. Tell yourself what you need to hear

Sometimes you have to be the one to tell yourself what you need to hear. Let your inner-dialogue be a powerful ally.

Say — I forgive you for recycling your past to protect your present, it's okay, but it's time to value your growth instead of your pain.

6. Take a risk

If you really want to fast-track your healing, take a risk, and do what scares you. Life’s lessons begin with trusting yourself. Life offers no guarantees, but diving into a new experience without expectations suggests a juicy life-lesson on the horizon.

Final thoughts

Before the last time love took a bite out of me, I had a mantra: Anything for love — and I lived it with total abandon. After a rough end to my last relationship, I gave up on healing.

But then, Venus and her rosy-cheeked cherubs came ‘round, shot a few arrows at me, and I remembered — love is a choice, just like healing.

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need. — Tao Te Ching

To the human who showed up in my life and brought me the gift of self-awareness — thank you for holding up the mirror. I needed the reminder: I am not my past.

Neither are you.

While our experiences influence us, they need not define us. We are more than the spectrum of our past experiences.

Make your healing personal. You are far more than a product of who hurt you.