“Split” Filmmaker Ellen Bruno: 5 Things You Need to Know to Survive and Thrive During & After A Divorce
By: Ilyssa Panitz
Tags: Divorce, Kids, Wellness, Entertainment, Women

If you are going through a divorce and have never seen the film, “Split” by Ellen Bruno, I highly recommend you carve out time in your week to sit down and watch it. This 28-minute movie tackles the subject of a divorce through the eyes and voices of a dozen small children whose parents are no longer together. When you are viewing “Split,” you need to tune everything else out and really hear what these kids have to say. Some of their responses will rip your heart to the core and make you rethink your actions when your kids are present. Since “Split’s” release back in 2013, divorce professionals have been using the movie as an education/teaching tool when working and representing their clients. Not only is divorce a topic that is very personal to Bruno, but she is currently in the final stages of releasing a sequel, which she anticipates will be ready by Spring 2021. Like the first, Bruno will center on the same children you met in the original to see how they are doing today.

Ilyssa Panitz: You have produced many documentary films. Why do one on the topic of divorce?



Ellen Bruno: When I was about 12 years old and my parents got divorced. I come from a small town in Rhode Island and it was a very conservative place. No one was divorced. I am one of four kids and this was a time when the understanding was, “don’t mention this to the children and make them feel bad.” As a result, we were left in this information vacuum. As things like this happen, kids have very active imaginations, and for us, we were creating all sorts of scenarios of what was going on. My parents were upset, they were going behind closed doors a lot, then coming out and you could tell they had been crying. We would ask, “What is wrong, and they would say, nothing. Let’s go get some ice cream.” We tried and tried to make sense of what was going on. The lack of communication, despite the good intentions actually created a lot of hardship. Now here we are 30-years later, and our culture still does not do divorce well. There is a way we protect our children from certain information, but unfortunately divorce is still the monster under the bed. For kids there is still a lot of fear and anxiety. There is a way, children will attempt to seek out other kids whose parents are divorced because they “get it” and understand what they are going through.”



Ilyssa Panitz: Is that when the light bulb went off?



Ellen Bruno: One of my kid’s friends was telling me about their situation and it was then I realized, these children need a space to talk. There is a lot of wisdom among these children that can help other kids along the way. These little minds could possibly help parents too. This was a platform where the kids can speak what is in their hearts and on their minds. The idea was to be encouraging and give other children just that, encouragement to speak out as well. They can say to kids, “look we know this is hard, but we also can get through it.” These 12-kids in my first film really stepped up to the plate. They were given the opportunity to say what they wanted and what they were feeling. They took it to heart to share their individual stories. Some kids came out of their shell and I think they all found strength within themselves.



Ilyssa Panitz: What was the age range of the children when you shot the first film?



Ellen Bruno: They were six-twelve years old. We wanted to represent a broad spectrum of experiences too, from high conflict situations with alienated parents to cooperative divorces and everything else in between.



Ilyssa Panitz: How would you describe the children?



Ellen Bruno: They were robust, articulate and they are survivors. They were not focusing on the pain of the separation of their parents when we spoke with them that could become problematic for the young viewer or the parents. We wanted kids that had a handle on their situation who could also offer hope to others going through a divorce.



Ilyssa Panitz: What was your reaction when they shared their feelings with you about their parents divorce?



Ellen Bruno: It was interesting because I found myself relating to them both as a child years from ago and as a parent. I was sensitized to what they were saying from both the child and parent perspective. I think because I was so relatable it was easy for the children to open-up to me and start a conversation. As the children started talking, I could reference my situation as a kid and as an adult, since I too went through a divorce and I shared what my own children experienced with my divorce. I think they realized we all spoke the same language and the children were at ease.



Ilyssa Panitz: Did you say anything to break the ice?



Ellen Bruno: I told them that this was a collaboration between them and myself. The agreement was they would have a conversation with me directly. I made sure the children’s parents and stepparents, were all on the same page. I did not have a parent present when I spoke with them because I did not the children to feel that they had an obligation when they saw their mom or dad in the room. I wanted them to have the freedom to make sense of what was happening to them and in their family. I did not want them to feel obligated to care-take, which tends to happen in these situations. It was really important for them to speak their minds freely and need be limited to their responses because they see a parent standing there. I also made sure to show everyone the film before we put the finishing touches on it and then gave them the option to see if there was something, they did not want us to use.



Ilyssa Panitz: Did they ask you to take anything out?



Ellen Bruno: Yes, one kid did not want us to include his father’s drinking problem because he felt that would be hurtful to his dad, so we cut that out.



Ilyssa Panitz: What was their reaction when they saw the final product?



Ellen Bruno: The film was very empowering for them. When we did the premiere and invited all of the kids and their parents. All of the kids and their moms and dads were excited to be there and see themselves on the big screen. Everyone celebrated their voices and how brave they were. For parents, watching this on the silver screen was a game changer for them. I think it was a big step for everyone come together whereas they could not do before.



Ilyssa Panitz: Do you keep in touch with these children?



Ellen Bruno: Yes. I am doing on a sequel and working with the same twelve kids six-years later. The kids still make reference to participating in the first film. They stepped back into themselves in an interesting way. They were not having things done to them such as given direction when they were younger and in one parent’s house. What I mean by this is they were not directed: this is how you need to act in this house; this is how you need to behave in this situation. They could be fully themselves. It was a positive experience and it felt gratifying. I know the children because we live in the same community, so I was able to keep in touch with them and an eye on them through school or soccer teams. When I had this thought of doing a sequel, I was wondering how they would respond because some of them are in high school, getting ready to go to college so I was curious what the family dynamic now.



Ilyssa Panitz: What did they say when you asked them to revisit this question all these years later?



Ellen Bruno: They were all very enthusiastic. That was a great feeling for me. You must listen to these kids talk about their experiences, years later and if you really pay attention to what they are telling you it is a great lesson we as parents and divorce professionals can learn from. These kids can reflect back to six years ago, look back and talk in a very particular and articulate way about what worked for them, what they wish was different, what their relationship is like with their parents and what influenced that. Just like when they were younger, their universals truths emerge, and you can see similarities in their stories. I can see that the kids who were involved in high conflict situations just got tired of managing the conflict. At least three of them, as they got older decided not to follow a court ordered schedule. They decided they had a choice and they wanted to spend time with the person they wanted to. While they are dealing with the guilt they are feeling, they are also feeling freedom with having a choice as to where they want to spend their time. These kids do not want to be spending time calming mom or dad down. They should be living their own lives and putting themselves first. There is a lot of wisdom we can all learn from these twelve kids, especially as parents and professionals.



Ilyssa Panitz: What is your message to parents?



Ellen Bruno: Really pay attention to these kids and the choices you are making. Try to understand the long-term effects these choices will have on your kids.



Ilyssa Panitz: How will the second film differ from the first?



Ellen Bruno: It will be similar in that there will still be close-up intimately framed interviews with the children and they will share their experiences with divorce. The children will be seeing clips of their younger self and then we cut to them as a young adult. A lot of the things they touched upon as younger kids, some are still grappling with as young adults. There will be elements of the first film that will brought into the second. There will be chapter segments and we will touch upon the same things that are still happening and they want to talk about. Stylistically, the movie will be similar but incorporate portions of the other film, so you understand the bridge in time.



Ilyssa Panitz: How did you attract the attention of divorce professionals across the country to use this as a teaching tool? I should also add, The National Association of Divorce Professionals show it during their Certified Divorce Professional coaching seminar and the film is a mandatory part of the divorce mediation training program Forrest “Woody” Mosten and Susan Guthrie for the Mosten Guthrie Academy?”



Ellen Bruno: From the very start, the first public screening was at a collaborative practice conference and so there was a room full of mediators, people who work in the courts, lawyers, and mental health professionals. They immediately saw the value in it and refer to it when talking to their clients on how make more skillful choices with their words, their actions and cool down the battle. I have heard people even play it in their waiting room before a session with couples. If parents arrive to a session with the voices of these children in their hearts, they may just work out their situation on a very different way and come up with agreements that serve the best needs of the children. The reaction blindsided me because the use of the film has been so widespread. In some places, you actually have to watch the film as a requirement for a parenting class and you cannot pass go without seeing it.



Ilyssa Panitz: What goes through your mind when you see how everyone is still using this film today to school people in divorce and proper behavior?



Ellen Bruno: It is deeply gratifying. I have traveled all over the world making films and this is the first one that I have made in America and with English speaking subjects. I felt it was a simple film, but I am also still blown away by the change it has triggered and that is so satisfying.



Ilyssa Panitz: Do you have a title for the second film?



Ellen Bruno: There are some working titles but nothing we have settled on.



Ilyssa Panitz: You set up a Go Fund Me page for this movie. Can you please tell me what they money you raise is going to be used for?



Ellen Bruno: That money will be used for editing, technical stuff like sound mixing, animation, and all of the expensive parts of film making that most viewers do not really understand. They just see the final product but not all of the behind-the-scenes stuff that goes into making it come together. I tend to work pro-bono as an editor, but I also need to bring in others to do what I cannot.



Ilyssa Panitz: What do you hope people take away from these two projects?



Ellen Bruno: I always hear professionals say, what is best for the children and let’s think about the children. The problem is when they are saying this the children are never present. A lot of people do not meet the children and so they become this anonymous thing. Rarely do kids have the opportunity to come forward and express how they feel. We are bringing the children into the room and all parents can recognize these kids, even though they are not theirs. There are a lot of parallels with all children as to what kids are feeling. These comments are not what kids say to their parents directly because they are hesitant to speak their minds because they do not want to hurt their feelings and always let the parents think everything is fine. These kids are the messengers and telling the audience what they are experiencing, what they wish would have happened differently, what they are thankful for and use it to help others going forward.



Ilyssa Panitz: What are 5 things people need to know to help children survive and thrive during and after a divorce?



Ellen Bruno: The 5 things are:

One: Divorce is a profound change for kids, even in the best of circumstances. Please try to make the transition easy for them.

Two: Change and an unknown future can be very frightening for kids so be patient with children and assure them they are loved, and everything is going to be okay.

Three: If kids do not have some answers to make sense of what is going on, their imaginations will go wild so talk to your kids and let them ask questions.

Four: Parents fighting tears a kid apart so please do not argue in front of them.

Five: You will not always get straight answers from your kids because they are often wanting to make things easier for you. Give them time to get used to what is happening so they are comfortable coming to you.