On 12/4/2020, I lost a dear family member to the devastating disease of alcoholism, a man formerly…
By: Caitrin Guiley
Tags: Addiction, Relationships, Healing, Abuse, Alcoholism

On 12/4/2020, I lost a dear family member to the devastating disease of alcoholism, a man formerly known as my stepfather. The relationship to this person was complicated and challenging. Growing up, safety was shaky. I have sometimes cursed his influences on me, contributions to my clouded perceptions in my intimate partner relationships. I followed along a similar path, but of my own destruction, through a giving up the fight of helping myself and my family, and the dream of trying to live a different way. For a while I almost entirely lost myself, the spiral of self-loathing and delusion nearly enveloping. This man was a source of stemmed hatred of myself, of him, and of humanity at large. I grew a familiarity with the fear that haunted this man his entire life.

I have grown in my journey, as this man’s deep humanity and beauty eventually revealed itself to me. Last night, when describing his passing, a dear friend asked, “Are things clear between you and him?” I knew what was being asked. The water between us has moved, and now flows clear. Although residual effects sometimes re-emerge, I ponder as to why I have been graced with this process. Throughout all the pain, my spark of spirit never extinguished, even despite my best efforts to exterminate my own fire. I have been given the gifts of a spiritual process that has allowed true and entire understanding. Hurt people hurt people. His pain was never mine to carry, it only once appeared that way. Today, 12/5/2020, I sit in a place of incredible awareness and awe.

The immense outpouring of love has been overwhelming, and grounding. I am being guided, and I am perfectly in the right place today as I brace myself for the grief that lies ahead. Someone told me that grief is not something you feel, it’s something that you do. The feelings that arrive as we grieve is where faith and courage is found as we walk through; a golden nugget shared by another friend.

I awoke today, jolted, scared of my next step for the day. Compelled to act in old ways, a friend appeared for me, and wrapped me in her cocoon of love, warmth and healing. She lost her father this February. She reminded me that I am never abandoned, that my spirit is strong, and that I am beautiful as the result of the culmination of all of my experiences. She also reminded me that I showed her this when her father passed through, and that we are all beautiful reflections of each other.

And yet another beautiful woman today sent me this message:

“🥰 I appreciate you and appreciate the pain you’re going through for the collective whole. We need you and you are stronger and braver and have a bigger capacity and drive to love. You are healing the planet with your tears. Thank you 🙏🏼 “

I am grieving and shedding previous layers of myself as I lay my words in this message, to the Universe. The energy that can be gained through love, honesty and vulnerability is by far the strongest force on this planet.

My stepfather allowed me to sit with him in a certain sacred room, surrounded by peers with a common struggle. He allowed me to show him the possibility of a different way. He limped into the space, using my arm as his only crutch. The alcohol had already emaciated his frail body. He squeezed my hand through the entire hour. He cried with the innocence of a damaged child, and exclaimed with laughter and relief as the words of the crowd soothed his soul. He told the people of their beauty and their smarts, and yelled “How are you all in my brain?!” As he cried, he nestled his weak head onto my shoulder.

Thank you, Douglas Gordon, for all of the life lessons you have granted me. I will forever hold your memory with gratitude and love.

THE WATER IS CLEAR BETWEEN US.