Anxious Parents Don’t Have to Raise Anxious Kids
By: Eric Sangerma
Tags: Mental Health, Family, Relationships, Parenting, Anxiety

Tips for Parents Who Worry Too Much

Since I know other parents must also worry about how their anxieties affect their kids, I wanted to share how I approach parenting.

1. Pay Attention to the Messages You Give Out

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America: “Children of anxious parents are more at risk for developing anxiety disorders. This is because they will have both a genetic predisposition to developing an anxiety disorder and their environment may emphasize hyper-vigilance to risk cues.”

The thing is, kids are already hyper-vigilant — they are sensitive, smart, and they pay attention to everything going on around them. When there’s a new situation at hand, they look to their parents for clues about how to respond.

Now, I tend to get stressed out when I don’t have perfect control over what’s going on. It used to be more intense when I was younger, but I still don’t enjoy entirely new situations. I get antsy when we move to a new place, when we go on vacation, or even when we meet new people.

My kids soak this up like a sponge. If I’m snappy, they’re snappy too. If I want to avoid certain people, they demand to know why. If I get nervous about a doctor’s checkup, they don’t want to go at all.

I try to keep in mind that I have full control over my actions. Even if I feel hesitant, I can rein it in and let my kids see my calm, confident side. I don’t want my anxieties to keep them back from experiencing the world.

2. Decide Which Issues Need Serious Attention

The question now is: “Wait, should I pretend I’m never worried?”

That’s not a good approach, in my experience. Children don’t think you’re infallible, and they won’t fall for fake bravado. At least, not for long.

What they need from you is clarity. You have to make a difference between rational worries and irrational anxieties.

For example, if your kid is nervous on the first day of school, don’t talk about all the ways their school year could go wrong. Even if you’re privately worried about your kid fitting in or keeping up with their coursework, these worries aren’t based on reality. So you need to put a stop to your anxiety spiral and tell your kid that everything is going to be fine.

On the other hand, if your kid has been bullied or they’re failing a class, that is a good reason to worry. It’s something you need to talk about with your kid and their teachers, and together, you need to work on fixing the problem.

But you won’t be able to fix anything if your judgment is clouded by anxiety. So before you talk to your child about a serious issue, give yourself a chance to calm down.

3. Get a Second Opinion

I won’t lie — whenever a big crisis pops up, my wife is the first one to respond. She and I worry about different things, and we don’t have the same reactions to stress. Between us, we’re (almost) always able to come up with a measured response to our kids’ problems.

There are also other people we ask for advice at times. If you’re worried about being overprotective, it can be a good idea to ask friends and family for their insights.

I know that asking for advice can be a double-edged sword when you’re a parent. But you don’t have to blindly accept any advice you receive. Just listen to what people close to you have to say. From the outside, they might be able to spot something you missed — or they’ll tell you you’re worrying too much about the situation at hand. Being too close to the problem can skew your perspective.

4. Take Your Kids Seriously and Give Them the Tools They Need to Cope

Unfortunately, anxiety has a genetic component. If you worry about inconsequential things too much, there’s a chance your kids have inherited the same issue.

Over 7% of children in the US are diagnosed with clinical anxiety, and many more have anxious tendencies that don’t reach clinical levels. Some kids find social situations very stressful, others worry about bad things happening to the family. Some are irrationally afraid of certain situations (like public speaking or picking up the phone), while others are generally wary of the world.

This can lead to a dangerous feedback loop if you’re both anxiety-prone. Your kid comes to you about something they find scary, even though objectively, it’s no big deal. But you find the same thing stressful because of your own anxiety. So you validate your kid’s fears, making it seem like they are right to be worried. This makes it seem like they have no chance of dealing with the problem by themselves.

But you can avoid that feedback loop. You need to:

Listen to your kid. Don’t brush off their worries, and definitely don’t mock them. If your kid can’t come to you for advice, they’ll just keep ruminating about their worries all by themselves.

Don’t brush off their worries, and definitely don’t mock them. If your kid can’t come to you for advice, they’ll just keep ruminating about their worries all by themselves. Make sure you’re focusing on the right problem. Let them tell you exactly what they’re worried about — but be prepared to ask follow-up questions. For example, if your child is anxious about going to a party, they might feel nervous about the crowd… or about the gift they’re bringing, a particular child who is going to be there, etc. You need to understand exactly what’s going on.

Let them tell you exactly what they’re worried about — but be prepared to ask follow-up questions. For example, if your child is anxious about going to a party, they might feel nervous about the crowd… or about the gift they’re bringing, a particular child who is going to be there, etc. You need to understand exactly what’s going on. Be kind, but don’t let them just avoid the problem. Experts say that “constantly rushing to fix a child’s problems can perpetuate a lifelong cycle of dependence and resentment”.

If you can’t let them succumb to their anxiety, what should you do instead?

Talk to kids about self-soothing methods. Discuss what they can do in a stressful situation they can’t avoid. Explain that even if they can’t control how others react to them, they can still be in charge of their own actions. You can even look at some worst-case scenarios and add humor to the situation.

Just like overwhelming shyness, unchecked anxiety can have lasting consequences on your child’s development. But if you give them the tools they need to manage their anxiety, they’re going to handle life’s challenges with grace.