Stop Shoulding Yourself
By: Caitlin Lynch
Tags: Self Improvement, Relationships, Spirituality, Education, Education Reform

Yes, you read that right. Stop shoulding yourself.

Have you ever felt yourself caught up in the expectations and judgements of others? I know I certainly have.

Maybe your parents or extended family have ideas of who you should become, or your romantic partner has expectations of how you should show up for them, or your friends continually tell you how you should behave to be accepted by others.

The problem with shoulding ourselves is that when we focus on what we “should” be doing, or who we “should” be, we are often times listening to outside opinions over everything else. When this happens, we ultimately get lost in the noise of everyone else’s voices, while simultaneously drowning out our own.

This may look like accepting the safest career instead of creating a life in the pursuit of our dreams. It could mean that we fall into marriage and parenthood too early, when instead we wanted to travel the world in our youth. It could look like a child who is shunned for being “too loud” or “too silly” or “too bossy” instead of being coached and encouraged to be their authentic selves in a kind and loving way.

Continually shoulding ourselves put us on the road toward settling, based on the perceptions of others. Listening to our inner voice allows us to journey down the path that leads to creating the life of our dreams.

As philosopher Cooley famously said, “I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am.”

Just let that sink in for a moment.

How many of us are living a perception of a perception of ourselves? Our identities are made up by what our parents, our teachers, our schools, all thought we “should” be.

When we worry about how others perceive us, we fall into the trap of shoulding ourselves. We start saying that we “should” do something or we “should” be someone when we have lost our identity and become overly concerned about what others think of us.

(Huge shoutout to the incredible Jay Shetty for incessantly sharing this wisdom.)

We must listen to our inner voice.

We must take the time each and every day to cultivate a relationship with ourselves. Otherwise, the advice, caring words of concern, straight up judgements or misunderstandings, and feedback from others, will become more than that. Over time, without cultivating our inner-knowing, these voices will become our guides, pulling us in all different directions. We may even become dependent on the voices and validation of others; thereby giving our power away to others.

Our inner voice is the one we need to value most. Our relationship with ourself is the most important relationship we will ever have.

Once we have developed this loving relationship with ourselves, then we can expose ourselves to as many experiences, teachers, mentors, and ideas as possible until we can find what our true calling is. That is how we find our purpose.

It’s time we start teaching children to honor and love themselves. It’s time we start teaching children how to cultivate their inner voice.

It’s time we start unlearning the unproductive and hurtful messages we have adopted about ourselves from other people, from childhood through adult life.

It’s time we allow each and every single individual to beautifully thrive as they were always meant to.

When we stop shoulding ourselves, and each other, we create space for all of us to maximize our full potential, discover our passions, and work together for the betterment of this world.