Do What Makes You Strong
By: Dan Chigwada
Tags: Personal Development, Psychology, Beyourself, Self Improvement, Personal Story

My aunt passed away in July. She lived in South Africa, so I attended the memorial, and funeral over zoom. It was a little strange, but at the same time, really great because people who would have never been able to attend could still ‘be there’.

During the memorial, something very out of the ordinary happened to me. As the service was going along, people were sharing some of the most heartfelt messages, giving beautiful accounts of her life: the passions she had, how she touched people and influenced their lives etc. This brought up a plethora of memories and feelings in me that I felt the urge to share.

I hadn’t prepared anything. I wasn’t scheduled to speak on the zoom either. In addition, there were lots of people that I’d never seen before. Naturally, that negative inner voice started to come out. You know the one I mean. The one that tells you not to do things because of possible embarrassment or judgement.

“Don’t speak, you haven’t prepared anything, you’ll probably fumble your words. Also, most of the people on this zoom don’t even know who you are.”

Then the other voice, that wants the best for you, started to chime in:

“But you do have some stuff to get off your chest. If you don’t speak now, you’ll probably regret it for the rest of your life.”

“But, you don’t even have anything that great to say. After all the previous heartfelt personal stories people were giving, yours would just sound shit. And again, you haven’t prepared anything.”

This internal dialogue went on for about 30 minutes to an hour while the speeches were finishing up.

I weighed it up. On one hand, I could say nothing and save myself a potentially awkward, embarrassing moment as I attempted to make a last-minute, off the cuff speech — like the ending scene of some Hollywood film. On the other hand, I could ask to say a few words and make an idiot of myself.

Because I hadn’t seen or spoken to the majority of this side of my family, coupled with the fact that I hadn’t prepared anything or done much public speaking, the potential for judgement and embarrassment was rife (In my head, at least).

“Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.” The clock is ticking and I’m feeling pretty anxious as we are nearing the end of the speeches.

I make a last-minute call to speak. I knew that if I messed up, eventually I would forget about it. So would the family members on the zoom. But, if I didn’t speak, It would continue to play on my mind. That “what if” would never go.

When something has been done, whether it goes well or not, you can move on. But, when cards are left on the table, when a stone is left unturned, it can haunt you forever.

Even after I’d decided to speak, I could still feel that inner fear pulling me back. My mother had just announced that we were about to move away from the speeches and onto the final part of the memorial. It was at that point I just came out and said:

“I know I’m not scheduled to speak, but if I can, I have a few words to say.”

It was similar to the type of thing you do when you’re at a restaurant, mulling over various options, but can’t decide what to get. You keep going back and forth, back and forth, until that final moment when the waiter/waitress comes over and asks, “What would you like to order?” Only at that moment, when the pressure is on, do you just come out with it. “I’ll have the ……”

Like with most things, when I actually started speaking, the nerves more or less went. When the speech was done I felt so much better. I received some great messages afterwards, from my close family members telling me how lovely the speech was; how the spontaneity actually added to the authenticity and sincerity of my words.

For a lot of people, this may not seem like a particularly brave thing to do. I’ve done things that others would consider way more daunting. But for me, it was extremely difficult.

In the coming days, something very interesting happened.

I started to feel a lot better about myself, in a general sense. I had a bit more self-respect than usual because I’d done something that involved courage. It had opened up a new part of my mind that had previously been locked. In my day to day decision-making processes, I started to consider options that I never would have before.

I was able to say no in certain situations, where typically I’d have previously given into peer pressure: In social situations, in work, in my personal relationships. For example, I had a holiday booked with friends, but it wasn’t the best time for me to go with everything going on.

Normally, I would be a people pleaser and just go anyway. I wouldn’t want to disappoint people or let them down, and I would value this above doing what was actually best for me. But not this time. Also, I was able to have difficult conversations with people close to me that needed to be had for a while, but had been brushed under the carpet.

The more I did these things, the easier it was to do them. That one act of courage had given me a little bit of extra strength and confidence to start making different decisions. Those subsequent decisions then gave me even more confidence to make slightly harder decisions, and so on. It was like a massive snowball effect.

On a neurological level, I guess my brain had made a new type of connection when I made the decision to speak. And like opening a new door, where you don’t know what’s going to be behind it, that new neural connection opened up new doors and set a precedent for different ways of thinking

As daunting as it was, I’d done something that made me slightly stronger, which has then translated through to other parts of my life.

This is where I really started to understand the idea that everything we do is interconnected. I’d heard this phrase many times in different contexts. I had a theoretical understanding of it. But, I never truly understood until I experienced it like this.

People like Mike Rashid, in the fitness industry, always talk about training at the gym, not primarily for the physical benefits, but for the mental benefits. Mike often says that killing himself in the gym has helped him in business, with family, and with friends. Ed Mylet shares the same sentiment; In an interview on The Passionate Few, he insists that he couldn’t have built his 450 million dollar empire without his consistent gym routine. David Goggins and Joe Rogan always talk about intentionally putting themselves in uncomfortable situations to build mental strength, which in turn helps them in other aspects of life.

The discipline you build when you say no to that extra cookie; the resilience you find when hitting that last rep, although it burns; The courage you build when you step into the unknown in spite of fear; the openness you develop when you dare to genuinely consider another perspective etc; they all translate to other parts of your life: Business, work, personal relationships. They set a precedent for how your brain deals with future situations. Whether directly or indirectly, how you behave in each part of your life affects every other part of your life.

Because of this interconnectedness combined with the snowball effect, even actions you think are seemingly small and insignificant can have a wide-scale impact on your life. So, do things that add to your character, you never know where it could lead.