Donor egg diary pt1
Tags: Pregnancy Loss, Pregnancy, Ivf, Infertility, Donor Conception

I should be happy, I have wanted to be pregnant for a very long time, and now that I finally got pregnant I just feel constant fear. I have known for 6 days now and it’s only a short time but the only time I felt happy was when I saw my first positive pee stick. Since then the only thoughts I've had are am I still pregnant and have I had a miscarriage.

A little back story, I was pregnant in 2017 and that ended in an empty sac pregnancy, medically known as anembryonic pregnancy. I was then pregnant again in 2019 after our 3rd round of IVF, that ended in a chromosomal miscarriage. Both of them were missed miscarriages aka silent miscarriages. You don’t bleed, there’s no cramping, and your body continues to think there is a baby growing.

I’ve done a pee stick every day for the last 5 days and anxiously compared the colour and wait for it to appear darker than the day before. I can visually see that the stick is getting darker every day but I’m convinced I’m having another empty sac pregnancy. I think all the progesterone I’m taking is tricking my body into thinking I’m still pregnant. When I had my empty sac pregnancy my pee sticks did get darker every day. They weren’t as dark as this year’s but the line progression was there.

I know it doesn’t make sense to see my pee sticks getting darker every day and be convinced that I’ve already lost this pregnancy. I’ve thought about what is making me feel this way and it’s because I had symptoms which were reassuring but have gone now. I’ve had so many people reassure me that no symptoms doesn’t mean anything and that symptoms come and go, but if I had some I could at least hold on to them as a sign that this pregnancy is progressing.

Being pregnant after losses is draining, every day I consider the possibility that I’ve had a miscarriage at least 10 times. I know it sounds a lot and I would love to have a day where I don’t consider the possibility I’ve had a miscarriage. I should be 4 weeks pregnant in a couple of days but I’ve no way to know if there is an embryo still growing inside.

When I decided to do donor eggs it was for two reasons, my AMH is very low and to avoid another chromosomal miscarriage. I was utterly convinced that my eggs were scrambled and that I needed to turn to donor eggs to have a chance at bringing a baby home. This isn't about regrets, I don't have any, but I did think that getting pregnant with the help of a donor would lessen my fears around miscarriage. It hasn’t but I don’t say this to say don’t choose donor egg IVF. I’m just saying no matter how hard I try to shake the fears around miscarriage and rationalise them by saying our donor was early 20s they don't go away. The fear of miscarriage is well and truly entrenched deep in my gut.

I don’t know when this fear will go away and if I’m being honest I don’t expect this pregnancy to get past viability scan around week 6–7. I’ll get there and I’ll be told that it’s another empty sac pregnancy. I don’t say this for pity, it’s more to just get all these negative thoughts out of my mind. I sometimes can sit with the fears and let them pass but they still come back.

I could and do try talking to my husband but he has the exact same fears. Once or twice I’ve mentioned a cramp and his face shows his feelings, and he usually replies with worry. He also expects this to end in miscarriage. He told a friend yesterday that we were pregnant and the friend asked when will it be confirmed to which my husband replied in 9 months. He has no belief in this pregnancy ending in a baby so I just feel that us talking to each other about our fears just heightens them in each other.

That was a long waffle about how basically I should be grateful because I’ve wanted this for so long and so many IVFers want to be pregnant but all I feel is anxiety.

Anyway, if you do feel alone and you’re worried about miscarriage please don’t feel afraid to get in touch. Talk to those around you, write it down, sit with those feelings, and don’t forget there is support available from organisations such as Miscarriage Association and Fertility Network. There are also some Facebook groups for Pregnancy after Loss.