We’ve Got Plenty of Cheer, But Where’s the Joy?
By: Eric Sangerma
Tags: Relationships, Lifestyle, Joy, Self, Social Media

Positivity Can Mess You Up Too

I keep thinking about the perfect white grins people post on Instagram. It’s no wonder that Instagram is even more destructive than other social media platforms — it encourages insincerity from the get-go.

Although I know that influencers are faking their constant positivity (along with everything else), I still fall for it on some level. I keep asking myself, “If they can still be happy, why can’t I?” Did I do something wrong? Maybe it’s my fault that my life isn’t completely perfect in all ways.

Toxic positivity is a difficult mindset to break out of — and if you’re on social media, it’s probably all around you. People keep telling you to count your blessings, to look at the bright side of life, to appreciate the little things.

All of this advice can be useful, as long as you’re in the right mindset to apply it. But if you’re not, it has the opposite effect.

Keeping up a facade takes a toll on your mental health, so don’t pretend you’re okay when you’re not.

Decades of experience have taught me that I need time to process bad experiences. If I try to shake them off too early, I end up feeling like a fraud. It just leads to worse depression down the line.

Stop Chasing Smiles, True Joy Comes from the Inside

It took me a while to learn that struggling doesn’t mean I’m failing. But when I did, I found a better equilibrium and became more resilient. So I’d like to share a few of my guiding principles, and I hope they can be of use to you.

1. Optimism is good for me, as long as I don’t force it. At the same time, moderate pessimism protects me from stupid decisions.

It’s true that being optimistic is beneficial to your mental and physical health. But taking it too far means you might take unnecessary risks — for example, reckless optimists will refuse to quit smoking because they think they’re too lucky to get lung cancer. They just refuse to believe anything bad could ever happen to them.

Wherever you live, the danger of the pandemic hasn’t passed yet. Being too optimistic right now means sticking your head in the sand. And I understand the urge to do so, but as adults, we have to face up to reality.

So I try to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. That’s what you should do too, at least until the vaccines are widely available and the experts say the danger has passed.

2. I don’t force myself — or anyone else — to smile.

I’ve never been good at poker. I can’t get my face to hide my feelings — and when I’m upset, that’s pretty obvious. This means that my fake smiles look awful, so I stopped performing them a long while ago.

Don’t worry, I am still courteous to people I meet. There are plenty of ways to show respect that don’t include fake smiles. (And hey, that is a genuine silver lining in our messy times — wearing masks means there’s far less pressure to smile when I don’t feel like it.)

I try not to be a hypocrite, so I also don’t expect anyone else to smile at me when they’re having a bad day. But for a long time, I had a blind spot when it came to my kids. I would tell them to smile at the cashier, at their relatives, at the camera.

I know better now. Kids learn to fake smiles between the ages of 2 and 5 — it’s a natural part of their development. There’s no need to pressure them to do it more often than they want to. As a dad, my job is to teach them how to handle negative feelings, not how to hide them from the world.

3. I look for real joy wherever I can find it.

Have you ever heard the unaltered belly laugh of a baby? That is what pure joy sounds like.

Cheer is easy to fake, and it’s everywhere in the media and online. But it’s no more than skin-deep.

I don’t want to discourage you — joy is all around us too. It’s found in fleeting, private moments. It’s not camera-ready. It doesn’t fit neatly into an inspirational quote. Joy comes from paying attention to reality instead of fleeing into the glamor of fake lives.