On Being Non-Binary
By: Sparklle Rainne
Tags: Queer, LGBTQ, LGBT, Nonbinary, Gender

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Before we start, hi! My name is Sparklle (and yes, it is my real name). I’m a non-binary queer writer who lives in Portland, Oregon. My educational background is in sociology and psychology. I am also a singer/songwriter, artist, lover of the outdoors, and bubble tea enthusiast!

I’ve known that I was non-binary long before I knew the word non-binary. At as young as age four, I gravitated to the word “unisex” because it was the closest term I knew of that described the way I felt. As an adult, I recognize and agree with the fact that everything is unisex. As a child, what I knew was that unisex referred to things that weren’t meant for boys or girls exclusively, and I knew that I was not a boy or a girl. At the time, that’s exactly how I described my gender — by saying, “I’m not a boy or a girl” or “I don’t feel like a boy or a girl.”

I echoed that statement until I was 17. When I was 17, I attended a local community college where I made a friend with a pride flag on his backpack. I already knew that I was queer at that point and had dated both girls and boys. Not everyone was so accepting around us, and in fact, there’d been several anti-LGBTQIA+ protests near our school as well as anti-abortion protests, so needless to say, I didn’t feel safe around everyone I saw, and I got pretty excited when I saw the pride flag.

After we’d hung out a couple of times, I said the same thing I’d been saying for years — “I don’t know what this is, but I don’t feel like a boy or a girl.” Without missing a beat, he said, “Oh, that’s non-binary! Some people use ze/zir pronouns. I can use those for you if you’d like!” I was elated. That was the first time I’d heard of pronouns outside of he/him and she/her. I then tried to open up to a couple more people — my friends and then-partner, to start — but it didn’t go quite as well with them. I don’t blame them; few members of the general public knew what non-binary was at the time, so when I told them, they laughed and said, “no, you’re a girl.”

For the following years, I kept my knowledge to myself. When I was 23, I started coming out to a few select people as non-binary, often by saying that I was non-binary but to keep it a secret or by saying that I am non-binary and would use they/them pronouns “if I could.” Now, I’m 26, and I use they/them pronouns exclusively. This is who I am, and it’s who I’ve always been. It never fails to amuse (and dishearten) me when people say that being non-binary is “new” in any way. It’s not new, nor is it a political statement of any kind. It’s an umbrella term that many people who exist outside of the gender binary use.

I came out publicly very recently. On 11/27/2020, to be exact. A major weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, which isn’t something that I expected. The intolerant reactions I received occurred prior to me coming out publicly and included a former partner (not the person mentioned above), a friend, and a former employer who was heavily homophobic and transphobic, not only toward me but toward other people. I have a lot of fear, but a lot of privilege, and I want anyone reading this who is not out yet to know that they’re valid. The pain that I experienced when keeping this inside and trying to “be a woman” was hurting me more than I realized (and I was pretty cognizant that it was hurting me a lot, hence why I came out despite what could/could’ve happened). I love women, but I am not one. It’s no one’s responsibility to be visible, but I am extremely grateful for the non-binary people out there who were visible before I was. You are the reason that so much pain is off of my shoulders, you are the reason that I am writing this, and I am so grateful for you. I hope to be that person for someone else someday. That’s why I write about my experiences in general, and the fact that gender gets to be a part of that now means more than I can describe.

I’ve always lived my life in a visible way — if you’ve watched the Spectrum/Jubilee video on mental illness that I am so lucky to have been a part of, you know that — and while it’s not for everyone, it’s a natural and fundamental piece of who I am.

For more information on what it means to be non-binary, here are some resources:

Here is the dictionary definition of the word non-binary.

Here is a GLAAD page that describes different relevant terms that may be used in this piece, including the word non-binary.

Here is a Wiki page that explains the term in-depth: https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Nonbinary.

I hope that you will take my experience as my own only. Coming out is a privilege, and I look forward to being able to talk about my experiences more moving forward.