Living Through the Pandemic in the Eyes of an Asian-American
By: Margaret Bayly
Tags: Covid 19, Asian American, Identity

Where I am from, growing up as an Asian-American was something that I was proud of. Correction — it is something that I am still proud of. In elementary school, my dad would come into my class, dressed in a traditional silk Chinese jacket, to teach my class about Chinese New Year and the luck that the new year would bring. He would bring red envelopes, which are a symbol of good luck in China, usually with a quarter or even a dollar inside them. Something that I never really had to experience growing up was discrimination. I had friends who were Asian, but my friend group was mostly comprised of white individuals. Maybe once or twice, someone purposefully slanted their eyes in front of me to make fun of how I looked, but that was something that I would easily brush off. That was until I got to college and I heard about all the experiences that my friends had growing up. I have several Asian-American friends in college, and hearing their experiences made me wonder, has the treatment of Asian-Americans always been like this?

The year 2020 is one that everyone will remember. Most notably, it is known for the COVID-19 pandemic that paraylzed the world and decimated the world’s population, with over 120 million cases, and nearly 3 million deaths. On March 17th of this year, news swirled around of a brutal shooting at spas, involving individuals in Atlanta, Georgia. Further news revealed that 6 out of the 8 victims were Asian-American women. The shooter was revealed to be a white man. Initially, it seems as though it was not racially motivated towards Asian-Americans. However, those watching have taken to heart the fact that this is yet another act of violence committed against the Asian-American community as a whole.

This is a very hard time for the Asian American community. The coronavirus, or SARS-CoV-2, was first discovered in Wuhan, China and has been used to link the virus to Asian people. Former President Donald Trump once referred to the virus as “the Chinese Virus”. This type of rhetoric and nationalist speech has led to a spike in violence and crimes against though identifying as Asian. “This increased racism against Asian Americans reflects the ongoing structural racism inherent in U.S. white settler nationalism that continues to devalue the lives of people of color,” (Yellow Horse, Leong, & Kuo, 2020). The growing xenophobia has paved the way for spikes in Asian-American hate crimes that have left several dead or seriously injured. To try to begin to understand the scope and impact of the violent hate crimes and discrimination that has been placed on the Asian-American community, I interviewed three of my Asian-American friends. I sympathize with them, as I myself identify as an Asian-American female. Reaching out to friends to try to cope and acknowledge just how broken the world is right now, has left me questioning how I view myself as an Asian-American, and I am sure others feel the same way. Since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, there has been severe backlash to the Asian-American community, but this backlash builds on long-standing stigma and stereotypes of Asian-Americans. This dscrimination has had a crippling effect on members of the community who have seen a negative shift in their personal identity and self-esteem.

Historically, maintaining certain images of Asian Americans and their economic and academic success was the myth of the model minority which is based solely on stereotypes about universal Asian success (Blackburn, 2019). It marks a change from initial stereotypes about Asian Americans. In the 19th Century Chinese laborers were seen as dirty and unsuitable for citizenship (Leon, 2020), being called the“yellow peril” by many. In 1882, the Chinese Exclusion Act was signed and instigated, after negative propaganda was spread about the Chinese. This Act prohibited further immigration from China and made Chinese who were already here ineligible for citizenship, unlike all other immigrants. We have seen several recent events in the wake of the pandemic that have further escalated racism against Asian-Americans, as seen in violent beatings and shootings in the United States. In an attack in January, one victim in particular, Vicha Ratanapakdee,age 84, of San Francisco, was forcefully pushed to the ground while walking around his neighborhood. He died (Cowan, 2021). The U.S. today is not what it should be in its vile and disgusting treatment of Asian Americans.

To understand how Asian Americans are both accepted and discriminated against, my research began with interviewing fellow Asian-American students. I chose to conduct my interviews to listen to first-hand accounts of my friends and their feelings. I talked to college students, who are my age and who I could connect with and have this conversation with.

I interviewed two students who had been adopted by white families and who identify as Asian, and one student who is half-Italian & half-Chinese. Each name has been changed to a pseudonym in order to protect the identities of those brave enough to express their deepest insecurities. But before I explain my interviews, I thought it was only appropriate to address a racist joke that I had not heard of until about a month and a half ago.While sitting in the common room of my house, eating dinner with two of my friends, also Asian-American, we began talking about encounters that we had experienced when we were younger. The joke is as follows: when an Asian baby is born, the parents drop a pan down the stairs to come up with the child’s name. Ching-chang-chong-chi-ping-ting. When the parents hear something they like, that is what they name their child. I had never heard this “joke” before and when I found out, I was shocked. Jokes like these are detrimental to the Asian community. Though some may find it comical, it enforces racist stereotypes that are harmful to the community.

My first interview took place in a large open setting — the library to be more specific. I aimed for it to be mostly unstructured and more naturally occurring. We sat down across from each other, cushioned by the wooden chairs and began talking. Penelope, a sophomore from NYC, wore black-frame glasses and wore her short black hair down around her shoulders. Her small frame was covered by a plain sweatshirt and light wash blue jeans. My general question is: “How have individual experiences of anti-Asian actions, stereotypes, or discrimination affected your personal self-identity? How have these experiences changed due to COVID-19? Has there been a change? If so, what was the change?” Penelope was a bit stressed due to how long the question was, and the depth of what I was asking about. She took a deep breath and we began talking of our identity growing up as Asian-American women and how it has changed due to COVID-19. She had spent thirteen years at an all girls private school before Bates College, a small liberal arts college in Lewiston Maine. I asked Penelope if she had ever wished she was white. She said that she “never really desired it” (Bayly, 2021). I was shocked. I felt sorry and ashamed that I had desired it and had wondered what it would be like to have pale skin and be the daughter of pale-skinned parents. Alas, it was something that I had to live with. At this particular school in NYC it was cool to be different. It was exciting to be Asian. There was never shame in being Chinese, Penelope explained to me during our talk.

For my next interview, I saw two of my friends at once and talked with them. The sun was shining. There was a slight breeze. We sat together, socially-distanced, in a circle in the driveway of my house. Because there was more going on in the world about violence against Asian-Americans, the interview took a more structured approach and my first question focused on the blame that is cast on us for the pandemic. Isaac was lying down, covering his eyes with his hands and Becca sat criss-crossed facing me. Some of our friends were on the porch of the house doing homework. After reading my question, we dove into our feelings and experiences living as Asian-Americans during the pandemic. The mood was serious. Since this was our first talk about a topic as serious as this one, it was important for me to give space, and recognize the feelings of my friends and fellow Asian-Americans who were also hurt by what is happening. It is hard to understand what it’s like to feel Asian during a time like this. We can talk to anyone we want, Asian or not, but our feelings are our feelings.

This interview took place soon after the events of the Atlanta shooting. While it only came up a few times, it set the stage for the context of our conversation and why we were having it. It wasn’t just for my project, but it also was a way for me to check in with my friends. I had to take a few days to collect my thoughts before I could even think about sitting down to write this piece. “An AAPI Data survey conducted just after the Atlanta shooting shows that 71% of Asian American adults worry about COVID-19–related hate crimes, harassment, and discrimination, 21% of whom worry very often,” (Huang & Lee, 2021). It is clear that the pandemic has had a destructive effect on the entire world. The effects are great on those being blamed for it, but they are even greater on those who have died. When I asked the question about ever wanting to be white, I got entirely different answers from Issac and Becca than I had Penelope.

Isaac told me that“[he’ started to detest physical traits that didn’t demonstrate whiteness or eurocentric whiteness.” Becca told me that“[she] wished [she] was white so that [she] wouldn’t have to deal with remarks about being Asian.”

In our interview which was much more in depth and more structured than my first, we discussed the stereotype of old Asians, particularly “people in Chinatown, who sell from carts or merchandise stands” as Isaac described it. The pandemic is being used as an excuse to be anti-Asian. They both agreed that they would act more white in order to fit in growing up. Racism against Asian Americans has always been prominent, whether it’s stigmatizing the community, or making jokes. The pandemic should not be an excuse to be blatantly violent against a minority community, especially at a time like this. The pandemic is acting as a catalyst for anti Asianism, and we will probably still see violent crimes committed against Asians as well. I am Asian. I am American. I am Chinese. Everyday, we are flooded with news articles, videos, and documents of recent events. But the role of the media in the wake of the pandemic does not make anyone feel better about what is happening around the world. My interviews helped me do some thinking and analysis of my own. While I would rarely go out in public during the pandemic, I could not help but wonder if people were looking at me differently because they viewed me as being Asian. I ultimately was becoming more and more insecure about how I looked, especially because a mask made only my eyes and my long, thick, black hair visible.

The violence that we have seen in the media cannot continue. The horror that we have seen committed cannot continue. The negativity that we feel for being Asian American cannot continue. If you are reading this, whether you are Asian or not, be able to recognize the power of your voice, your rhetoric, your words, and your actions. Why should we care more about who caused the pandemic than we do about who is causing it to last longer? It affects us all, but the Asian American community and I are the ones seeing the lasting impacts that it will have on our self identity. Take some time to check in with your Asian American identifying friends, family members, coworkers, neighbors, and yourself. When I finished my interview with Isaac and Becca, I asked if either had any last words. Isaac said “It makes me wonder, how easy would my life be if I was white?” I didn’t have an answer for him.

References

Bayly, M., Interviews. (2021).

Blackburn, S. (2019, March 21). What is the model minority myth? Retrieved April 05, 2021, from https://www.learningforjustice.org/magazine/what-is-the-model-minority-myth

Cowan, J. (2021, February 12). A tense Lunar New year for the Bay area after attacks on Asian-Americans. Retrieved April 05, 2021, from https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/12/us/asian-american-racism.html

Leon, A. (2020, April 09). The long history of racism against Asian Americans in the U.S. Retrieved April 05, 2021, from https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/the-long-history-of-racism-against-asian-americans-in-the-u-s

Lee, J., & Huang, T. (2021, April 02). Reckoning with ASIAN AMERICA. Retrieved April 05, 2021, from https://science.sciencemag.org/content/372/6537/8

Yellow Horse, A.J., Leong, K.J., & Kuo, K. (2020). Introduction: Viral Racisms: Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders Respond to COVID-19. Journal of Asian American Studies 23(3), 313–318. doi:10.1353/jaas.2020.0023.