Love Before You Hate — Chapter 1: One step back
Tags: Books, Romance, Fiction, Lawyers, Love

“Where do you think our next event should take place?” Sarah asked while she was tapping with a pen on my desk. She didn’t do that because she was nervous. Sarah was never nervous.

If I had to describe her in 3 words, I would say sarcastic, shady, and caring. Only the people who actually know her would say that last one.

The reason why we’re still connected after all these years is that we work for the same charity. We raise money to make sure we can save kids’ lives by defending their rights and help them fulfill their potential by giving them a good education.

Kids Are Our Future isn’t a big community. With seven other people, we do events in public places to raise money.

Sarah, Evelyn, and I are members of the board. It’s not a big deal to be on a board of such a small organization, but we had to give it a name. You can call it whatever you want.

Evelyn is the one who makes deals with companies because she’s a little bit older and knows how to handle that kind of stuff.

After Sara and I started studying at university, we didn’t see each other a lot, but charity brought us back together.

“In 4 weeks, there’s a new store opening in our city. Maybe we should consider going there? The store sells expensive furniture, so only people with a lot of money would go there.” I say while I’m sitting on my bed, typing our ideas on my computer.

“We both know that rich people aren’t the ones who give the most. Some of those people would take it with them when they die if they could.”

I didn’t respond to what she said. Instead, I laughed and gave her a look.

The tv in my bedroom was on from the moment Sarah came in. A talk show named “The Jordan Show” was on. Liam Jordan always invites celebrities to talk about their interesting life. This time a young girl was sitting on his couch, and he asked her the kind of questions everyone knows the answer to.

She turned out to be a singer who’s about to release her first studio album. She said she put her heart and soul in this album. But that’s just something every singer says these days.

I don’t get why they always say something like that? Can’t they come up with something else? Another thing that bothers me is that everyone feels the need to dramatize everything. Every celebrity “Went through some shit,” as they say.

To me, this girl doesn’t sound but very self-absorbed.

Everyone has a couple of bad moments in their life. How can someone’s life be so bad as they say when they’re rich, famous, and all those other things normal people want.

Maybe it’s because they live in their narcissistic bubble that it’s hard for them to see the problems other people are facing. Or maybe they’re facing things we don’t understand.

I looked over to Sara and saw she started following the show too. “What is she even wearing? She looks like someone who needs to work as a garbage collector but still wants to show a lot of skin.” She said while she was frowning her eyebrows and playing with her blonde hair.

My gaze shifted to the screen again. Her white teeth and dark skin makes her smile the most beautiful thing I ever saw. I know Sarah can be shady, but was it necessary for her to say that? Why does she feel obligated to judge this girl?

When I started thinking about the things I said in my head a couple of minutes ago, I knew I did the exact same thing.

The only difference is Sarah said it out loud.

What I said was closer to an opinion compared to the thing Sarah said. But is something an opinion, if it can hurt someone? And where do we cross the line between an opinion and calling someone out?

We often don’t see the mistakes we make because we’re too busy searching for things other people do wrong. I think we do this because we just want to feel better about ourselves.

Sarah takes her phone out of her pocket. I didn’t really pay attention to what she was doing. Instead, I saved the file we were working on and closed my computer.

But after I did that Sarah giggled, which made me question what she was doing.

“What is it?” I asked out of curiosity.

“You need to see the comments on the last picture this girl posted on Instagram.” She said while she continued to stare at her screen. Her face was so close to her phone that she couldn’t see anything besides her screen.

“What are they saying?” I asked.

She brought her phone closer to my face so I could see what was going on.

Sarah scrolled through all the reactions. “Most of them are about the outfit she’s wearing. The others are just saying they hate her and stuff.”

I always wondered who those internet trolls are and why they put their time into things like that. Why do they take the time to go to someone’s page, to place something bad on it?

“How can they hate her when they don’t even know her?” I said this because I had to think about what my mom always used to say when she was still with us.

She always told my brother and me to focus on the good things in life. It’s probably something a lot of moms tell their kids, but I don’t have the feeling they really listen to it anymore.

My parents divorced when I was 8, and shortly after, she left us. Eleven years later, I don’t have a lot of memories of her. And both my dad and older brother don’t want to talk about it.

When I ask something about her, they always give me a fuzzy answer.

Some people say she moved to Italy, but that’s something I refuse to believe.

A mother can’t just abandon her own flesh and blood like that, even when she has problems with your partner. That doesn’t mean you can or don’t want to see your children anymore.

I know she did leave us, but deep inside I think or hope she’s just watching us from a distance, to make sure we’re okay. But why can’t she just come to us instead, so we could spend real time with each other?

The lack of interest from my parents in the things I do made me the person I’m today. My father loves my brother and me equally, but I know he’s more proud to be Nick’s father because he became a successful entrepreneur.

Just like him.

Nobody really cared about my grades in school, who I was hanging out with, and all those other things parents should care about. This still affects my daily life.

The first and only relationship I had was with a guy named Dylan. Due to all the things that happened in the past, I became a really needy person what made us call it quits after two years.

Most of the time, people would blame their ex for a failed relationship. But I had time enough to reflect on the situation, which made me conclude that we weren’t meant for each other.

Most people drag him down and blame him for our failed relationship because he did things that people acknowledge to be messed up.

Dylan had a drinking problem. He had everything under control from the day we met, but the month before we broke up, he started drinking again because he started hanging around with the wrong people.

He always became a whole other person when he was drunk. Violent, angry, and when his friends were with him, he could act like an asshole.

I tried to help him in the first place, but every time he got drunk, he pushed me farther away. And the moment he was sober, he wanted me to take two steps closer to him.

The night that he placed his hands around my neck was the last night I saw him.

My friends and family eventually pulled me away from him, and I can’t blame them for that. Someone had to do it because neither were Dylan or me going to make that decision.

In the beginning, I felt really lonely sometimes because the breakup went fast. It almost felt like I had fallen in a dark hole where only Dylan could pull me out of.

My brother moved out a couple of months ago, which didn’t make it easier.

He comes by a couple of times a week, but for the most part, I’m home alone. To make it less lonely, I invite some friends to come over like I did today.

Sarah looks up from her phone and asked, “Where is your father?”

“I think he’s still working. Why do you ask?”

“And you believe that? Isn’t it too late to work? He’s probably having fun with a very cute girl.”

“Sarah. What the fuck?” I always wonder how she comes up with those random things. But that’s what I love about her.

“It’s never too late for him to work.”

“Hey, what would you do if you were standing on a dray whey for 11 years?”

“Oh my god. I really don’t want to talk about that.” I could barely finish my sentence because I had to laugh. I waved with my hand to show that I couldn’t handle it.

“A draw whey? What does that even mean?” The tone of my voice went higher while I was talking, but she didn’t answer my question.

“So that’s enough for today, I guess? It’s already late, so maybe it’s time for me to leave.” She said when she looked at her phone. Probably to see what time it is.

I took my phone too instead of just asking her. Almost 10 P.M. Time really flies when you’re having fun.

She stands up from my desk chair and spreads her arms to show she wants a hug. I crawled out of bed to embrace her.

“Don’t we normally hug when I leave you out?” I say with my head hidden in her long blonde hair. The sound of my voice was isolated by her shoulder.

“Yeah, it looks like I’m running out of my friendship-points.” She says with no expression on her face.

We let go of each other and walked down the hall to the door. The noise of a car engine started coming closer, which meant my father was home.

“I guess my father’s home,” I said in a happy, undue tone.

Sarah sighed. “Guess I have to put on my friendly face.” A smile appeared on my face when she said that.

She had the weirdest and fakest grin on her face, which made me giggle.

“How can you even make a face like that?” I asked.

“What do you mean with a face like that? This is my smiling face.” She said while she was pointing at her face with her finger.

“Or are you trying to say my smile is ugly?”

I burst out laughing when she made that weird face again.

I opened the door to let Sarah out and saw my father making his way from his car to the front door.

He looked tired but happy at the same time.

“Hello, Sarah.” He said when he came closer to us.

“Hello, Mr. Hart. How was it? Did you had a fun time?”

With widened eyes and an open mouth, I turned my head to her.

“It was okay, I guess. Just work.” He said.

I could tell that he knew something was going on, but he didn’t ask any questions.

I moved to the side to let him pass me. I couldn’t hold back my laughter anymore, and the moment he closed the door behind him, I released my laugh. This time a smile appeared on Sarah’s face too.

“You’re crazy,” I said in a cheerful way.

Her finger went in the air, and she said, “Now it’s time for me to go.”

“What are you going to do with that finger?” I asked because her posture didn’t make any sense.

“Uhm, It’s my finger, and I can do with it what I want, I guess. Things I won’t talk about now.”

“Okay, this conversation is going in a really weird direction. It’s time for you to go home before my father starts thinking we’re actually crazy.”

“Aren’t we?” She asks in an acted mysterious way.

“No, I’m just kidding. Bye, Lauren, see you later.” She made her way outside with a smirk on her face and closed the door behind her.

I was holding my phone in my hand, and I could feel it buzzing. This is something I do a lot because a lot of my clothes don’t have pockets.

I received a new message.

My hard skipped a beat. My mouth became dry, and the inside of my chest started feeling boiling hot. I was completely taken aback when I saw who had sent it.

I couldn’t move with my frozen body that felt hot at the same time. The only thing I could do was going through my long brown hair out of nervousness.

Why and what did he send me after all these months? My face became red and ready to explode as I realized what just happened.

It was Dylan.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in the hope I could calm myself.

But it didn’t help. It made things even worse because the only thing I could focus on was the thing that just happened.

I wanted to see what he texted me, but I didn’t want to see his message when I was standing in the hallway. I wanted to read his text in a place where I feel safe, where nobody can bother me.

My sweaty hands opened the door to our living so I could take the stairs to my room.

My father sitting on the couch was something I didn’t expect. I was surprised by his presence. I looked at him, and I could clearly tell he noticed I was upset about something.

“Hey, Lauren. Everything okay?” He asked after he looked up from the magazine he was reading with his glasses on the top of his nose.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just surprised.” I reply.

My voice sounded shaky, and I answered his question way too fast to make it come over naturally. Luckily for me, he didn’t ask any more questions and started reading again. At least I expected a frowned eyebrow from him. But his facial expression remained the same.

As soon as I closed the door from my room, I unlocked my phone. My sweaty fingers didn’t make it easy for me to swipe on my screen in the right direction.

I started having all the feelings I had 10 minutes ago again. Feeling warm in the chest, a dry mouth and a hard that skipped a couple of beats.

Whatever he had to say, it would be too much for me. Even it was just a simple “Hi.” or something. That he wanted to get in touch with me again was enough to make me stressed out.

It was so difficult for me to let go of him if he would come back into my life. But I know I had to lose him in order to love myself again because there were times I blamed myself for the mistakes he made.

And that’s something you better not do when you only tried to help someone.

Now, after all these months, he’s trying to destroy that distance by making contact with me again.

Making that distance was one of the hardest things I had to do these past months.

He could send me anything. There’s always something I will remember.

We can’t ever get back together.

Never.

wealthy I can still see the anger in his eyes.

And his face, red, sweaty, and his warm hands that were big enough to go all the way around my neck, pushing my Adam’s apple in my trachea.