Mom is Pregnant From The XBox Live Middle-Schooler Who F*cked Her
By: Brad Bison
Tags: Motherhood, Gaming, Games, Pregnancy, Videogames

But not every interaction can go so smoothly- [WARNING: HOMOPHOBIC LANGUAGE DIRECTED TOWARDS ME BECAUSE I PLAYED A VIDEO GAME IN A WAY SOMEONE DIDN’T LIKE]:

Source: My Xbox Live Messages tab, where I received this beauty after a game of Apex Legends.

I am no stranger to these kinds of messages, I grew up playing Modern Warfare 1&2, which was the wild west of offensive & hateful xbox live chats. I am thick skinned and can laugh it off, like people making short jokes to Kevin Hart. I have heard it all a million times. The extreme anger for seemingly no reason from these people always sends me.

But this time was different.

The match ended, after getting sniped from a man in a bush, and punched to death in the gulag. The battle royale game was over.

But then I received a message.

xXx420BigD1CKweedSMOKER69xXx had a message request. Without thinking twice, I opened the gentleman’s message.

“You play like a bitch you camper. KYS. By the way, I fucked your mom. Bitch”

I laughed, and elected not to reply. I checked his profile: George Washington Middle School, Mets fan, Minecraft Master, name: Tanner Smith.

While I was chuckling, I felt a presence. I turned and saw my mom standing in the doorway. Our eyes met briefly, then her eyes immediately pointed down at the carpet.

“Brad?”

“Yes mom?”

“I have something to tell you.”

“What?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“How? Dad’s been on a business trip the last five years?”

“Dad’s not the dad Brad..”

“Huh??”

“Your internet video game friend xXx420BigD1CKweedSMOKER69xXx is the father.”

I froze. xXx420BigD1CKweedSMOKER69xXx followed through with what so many men before had emptily promised. He fucked my mom. And now she was pregnant with an epic gamer baby.

“Mom??? Do I need to call the police???!!”

“No, in fact I am happy and so excited. xXx420BigD1CKweedSMOKER69xXx absolutely smokes n00bs on the battlefield. If anything, its your fault for getting absolutely pwned bitch.”

Mom made fun of my kd ratio, then left the room.

The next few months were tense. Mom stopped drinking water, replacing it with Mountain Dew Game Fuel, saying that my little brother was going MLG. xXx420BigD1CKweedSMOKER69xXx kept sending me threatening messages saying how my little brothers first word will be the “gamer word”. I was doxxed by popular children’s demagogues Keemstar and PewDiePie. I was so scared for months, with all pleas for xXx420BigD1CKweedSMOKER69xXx being met with “Get gud then virgin.”

Finally, my brother’s birthday came, heralded in from this text message from xXx420BigD1CKweedSMOKER69xXx while I was waiting in the hospital: “Looks like your new little brother showed up n00b. Now he’s gonna camp you IRL. How you like that bitch? ROFLMAO XD Kek”.

I looked up, my mom’s door in the maternity ward was open. She was cradling the newborn smiling. The nurses had already begun preparing the Nacho Cheesier Doritos she and xXx420BigD1CKweedSMOKER69xXx requested be on site for the child’s first meal.

“Meet your new little brother Brad: x420xSn1perOpt1cs696969BlazeGodxxxXXxxx Alienware Bison”.

He was smiling, he looked peaceful. They intubated him with Monster Energy. He was already so much cooler than me.

I looked down at my phone. 1 message from xXx420BigD1CKweedSMOKER69xXx:

“Get rekt scrub”.