3D-Printed Headshot Won’t Fit in Tiny CAA Mail Slot
By: Ian Zandi
Tags: Hollywood, Humor, Satire, Technology, Comedy

Under the cloak of a foggy Tuesday night, I attempted to fit my 3D-printed headshot into the mail slot of major talent agency CAA. The task proved to be a bit of a hassle as their receiving slot was not big enough to fit the circumference of my noggin. My quick-thinking skills saved me in the moment, as I dismantled my plastic-printed face and piecemeal’d it through the slot intended for flat parcels. The headshot pieces did make a remarkable clatter upon landing on the inside of the agency. Hopefully there were no CAA guard dogs that were alerted by the rustle.

If a representative of CAA sees this entry, please note that I included instructions scribbled on the back of an Intelligentsia receipt. Seeing how I had to take apart my headshot, some assembly will be required. Alternatively, you can view the instructions via PDF upon request. Just send me your email and I’ll provide that, no problem at all. Also, you will need to show me how to make a PDF because I don’t know how to do that.

Reconstructing my 3D-printed headshot will not be exactly as buildable as LEGOs, but you can think of it as a 3D-puzzle. Better yet, imagine yourself a museum caretaker, restoring an Ancient Greece sculpture. Sure, I may not have the same facade as Venus de Milo, but I did win a beauty pageant as a young child. I’ve also been told that I have distinct irresistible jawlines.

I’m submitting my headshot to CAA because I’d love an agent or a manager. I’m certain those are the same exact thing. I just moved here with nothing but a knapsack and a dream, just like Johnny Appleseed. Unlike Johnny Appleseed, I don’t like apples. The skin gets between my teeth. If I were eaten by a giant, I’d hate to have my flesh remaining behind, stuck in a giants molars. I have empathy.

If you’d also like to express empathy, please sign me to CAA. Or at least consider hiring me as a desk clerk. Hollywood is a tough industry, and I needed to think outside the box. 3D-printing my own headshot is innovation. Fitting it inside a narrow mailbox is progress. I’ve discovered the new frontier, and frankly, CAA needs to adapt with the times.

Creating a 3D-printed headshot was not easy to make. I had to break into my local library and commandeer their Monoprice Voxel model. Since I’m rather technologically-challenged, I watched several YouTube tutorials on thermoplastics as I recreated my facade. It took longer than expected. After 16 hours of grueling arts & crafts, a 1:1 scale of my own head emerged. Unfortunately, the science isn’t quite there yet to provide various 3D pigments, so I had to paint the model with nail polish, much akin to my D&D die cast figurines. CAA will find evidence of this nail polish on their hinges from several smeared attempts of jamming my headshot into their walls.

If I am signed and/or hired by CAA, I promise I won’t use your office appliances for any nefarious purposes, such as creating more 3D headshots. I’d focus on more agency-centric tasks such as coffee runs or pressing the big red button that sends people to Hollywood!

If anyone from CAA happens upon this recollection of events, let me know you have any questions assembling my head. I fear my left frontal lobe looks identical to my right, and they could be swapped mistakenly. This could make or break my career!