The Best 124 Moments In Taskmaster History (As A Way Of Escaping The Despair of 2020 [And By Extension 2021]) [60–41]
By: Jack Bernhardt
Tags: Task Master, Regret, Eggs, Sexy Time, Premium Chocolate Bars

The Best 124 Moments In Taskmaster History (As A Way Of Escaping The Despair of 2020 [And By Extension 2021]) [60–41] Jack Bernhardt Jan 7·35 min read

[Part 1]

[Part 2]

[Part 3]

It’s 2021! Hooray! I was able to distract myself so much writing these that I barely registered that it’s not 2020 any more! Take that, 2020, you terrible year — hello 2021, a beautiful, pure and brilliant year where absolutely nothing terrible happens! I haven’t checked the news yet this year but I guess I don’t need to do the rest of this countdown because everything’s fixed now, right? Let me just quickly turn on CNN to check and-

OK NOPE BACK TO TASKMASTER LOVELY TASKMASTER WHERE THERE’S NO VIOLENT COUPS OR ANGRY BEAN DADS

Last time out we had Jon Richardson failing Spanish 101, Roisin Conaty trying to take a boulder out for a daytrip and Phil Wang’s hypnotic penis. But we’re into the top 60 now, so get ready for some real heavyweight pairings. I’m talking Rhod Gilbert and rope. Sally Phillips and water. And first up, Kerry Godliman and DRAMA.

The incestuous season finale of Cul de Sac.

60: Jessica Knappett and Kerry Godliman Star In “Cul De Sac” (Series 7, Ep 6)

Task: Write and perform the most suspenseful soap opera cliffhanger, lasting at most one minute.

What happened: While Team Wang, Acaster and Gilbert) plumped for a soap opera called “Feelings” (including the hit theme song Everybody’s Got Feelings/Feelings Hurt and Feel Good), Team Knappett and Godliman came up with the Eastenders inspired Cul de Sac, where every character is called Donna and every conversation ends in a punch-up. In this week’s episode, Donna (Godliman) suspects Donna (Knappett) of stealing her man and she confronts her in a caravan. After a surprisingly violent bit of fighting (culminating in a moment where Donna kicks Donna right in the stomach and sends her flying into a bath), Knappett reveals the horrible truth to Godliman — she can’t be with the man…because she’s his mum. Cue pantsless Alex Horne coming out of the caravan and Godliman throwing up. Cul de Sac could run and run.

Why is it so good: It’s all about the Donna acting from Knappett and Godliman — there’s a moment where Jessica Knappett stares daggers at Godliman through the net curtains that should be nominated for a “Take A Break” soap opera award. Combined with the brilliantly weak dialogue (“How’d you find me?” “GOOGLE MAPS”) and the fact that Knappett’s character is asthmatic and needs to keep puffing from an inhaler every thirty seconds (even after, as I say, kicking a woman into a bath), it makes for surprisingly compelling viewing. I worry that if Knappett and Godliman made a full spin-off for that show I’d spend the rest of my days writing 70,000 word mediocre Medium essays dedicated to every single episode.

Position in task: Second. True artists are never fully appreciated in their own lifetime.

Watch out for: James Acaster not fully understanding why Kerry threw up at the end (“I thought it was just because she’d had sex with Alex Horne.”)

59: Mawaan Rizwan Makes A Really Good Lighthouse Out Of Cards (Series 10, Ep 9)

Task: Make the biggest beermat house on this table. While building your house, you must ring the doorbell after exactly one minute, then again after 58 seconds, then another 56 seconds and so on. If you make more than two mistakes with the doorbell timing, you will be disqualified. Your time ends when you ring the doorbell for the last time.

What happened: While other contestants struggled with the concept of the doorbell — either sprinting out of the room so quickly that it destroyed their house of cards (Vegas) or forgetting entirely and quietly fuming at the pointlessness of this whole endeavour (Parkinson) — Mawaan Rizwan had a moment of unbridled Osmanesque clarity. There was nothing in the task that said the doorbell couldn’t be moved from its place by the door — and that’s what Mawaan did, pulling it off the wall and placing it down next to his beet mats. From there it was a simple matter of building his house of beer mats, casually leaning over and ringing the doorbell at the appropriate time — allowing him to create a superb, looming beer mat lighthouse with a working rotating light. As Mawaan says, not to brag — but it’s a work of art.

Why is it so good: It’s the way Mawaan makes it look so easy — while walking to the door for the second time he goes “oh, you know what?” and…just takes the doorbell. Intercut with Richard Herring (who is galloping about like a crazed horse from the front door to the room), it’s just so effortless on Mawaan’s part — “I think having the doorbell’s just alleviated a lot of stress,” he murmurs, transfixed on the beer mat house, almost as if he’s not participating in a task at all, but engaging in an ancient meditative process. But it’s not just the cleverness of removing the doorbell. It would have been so easy for Mawaan to just build the tallest beermat house, safe in the knowledge that it would probably be enough to win. But no, Mawaan is not interested in playing it safe. He craves perfection— and the moment that he grabs the torch from out of a nearby lamp and asks Alex if he has something that turns, you know that he will achieve it, the most glorious completion of a task. As the lamp spins around at the end, you’re aware you’ve witnessed something special — a flawless performance, the Taskmaster equivalent of a maximum break in snooker. Meanwhile Richard Herring has somehow managed to get blood all over the door.

Position in task: First, perhaps the greatest single task performance in Taskmaster history.

Watch out for: The way that Katherine Parkinson marvels at the house at the end and says “Oh wow, it’s a windmill.” Never change, Katherine.

The rage of Joe Thomas simmers underneath.

58: Joe Thomas Finally Loses His Cool (Series 8, Ep 10)

Task: Completely erase this eraser.

What happened: When the contestants were tasked with “erasing” an eraser as quickly as possible, Iain Stirling and Paul Sinha immediately throw their rubbers in the toilet, much to the mild annoyance of Joe Thomas, who had spent several minutes rubbing his eraser down into nothingness using sandpaper and a lifetime of repression. As Iain and Paul argued that the eraser had been “erased” from society, Joe Thomas finally snapped — “I’m so fed up of putting loads and loads of genuine physical effort into these tasks and these other guys coming up with some smartarse workaround, just put some fucking effort in!” A beat and then… “I don’t know where that’s come from, I’ve been really nice so far.” The crowd goes wild, Greg leads the contestants in a standing ovation. They’ve done it. They’ve finally broken Joe.

Why is it so good: When Joe starts his tirade, Iain Stirling looks shocked — “Where the fuck has this come from?” But in reality, it’s been there the whole time. You do feel like Series 8 is sometimes a social experiment — how far can you push a lovely sweet man like Joe Thomas before he breaks? This is the pent up rage of an entire series of effort with no reward — Joe looks as if he’s trying so, so hard throughout the show and just having an absolutely horrible time no matter what he does. Even in victory, he’s miserable — he wins an episode with a near perfect score (24 out of 25) and still finds time in the episode to berate himself for a weak pun. This, though, is the first moment when he turns the self-loathing energy out onto the people who deserve it — his fellow contestants. This is the war cry of the tryhard, the boy who is just a bit extra. He has worked until his eraser is a nub and yet here he sits, last in the task because he didn’t just lazily throw it into the toilet? No. He will make a stand and he will make NO apologies for it. Except immediately afterwards, when he apologises. A cathartic moment.

Position in task: Last, technically, but he got some bonus points for his erasing (although at least one of those was surely for his rant).

Watch out for: The way Joe looks vaguely embarrassed by the standing ovation. You’d like to think that underneath that melancholy expression of shame, there’s a little nugget of pride deep within him for standing up. But it’s probably just a nugget of more shame. Poor Joe.

A moving piece of art.

57: Paul Chowdry Puts A Slushy On A Bunny Rabbit (Series 3, Ep 1)

Task: Make the best snowman.

What happened: For this task (set on a very unsnowy day, obviously), some contestants used typical ingredients — Sara Pascoe went for ice cream (cute!), Dave Gorman plumped for instant mash (upsettingly beige!) and Al Murray filled a shelf of a freezer with ice and then stuck a carrot in (what a serial killer would do!). But Paul Chowdry would not use “typical ingredients”. No, instead, he took a toy rabbit, put several blocks of ice on his head and then methodically poured a slush puppy on top. “The expression and the tears,” he said, watching the deep royal blue colour drip down the rabbit’s face, “reflects what I’m going through on the inside.” Melancholic piano music soars as Paul takes a step back from his creation. He has visualised his pain, his sorrow, in this one simple piece. And it looks like a rabbit with a slush puppy on its head.

Why is it so good: You can see Greg’s rising excitement as we get closer to Paul’s attempt. He doesn’t know exactly what it will be, but it will be something transcendent, something awe-inspiring, and most importantly, something utterly shit. Of course, Paul doesn’t disappoint. Of all the contestants throughout the show, Paul is perhaps the most unknowable — often it feels like he doesn’t really want to be there, staring back at Alex during tasks with a kind of miserable, dead-behind-the-eyes expression. And yet below that there’s also this sad yearning to succeed, to be understood — you can see a look of confusion on his face as everyone is crying with baffled laughter at his “snowbear” creation (he insists on calling it a snowbear, even though it’s very obviously a rabbit). This sense of unease comes across to the rest of the comedians — Sara Pascoe says, “I’m starting to think we shouldn’t be laughing at Paul”, while Greg’s first question (of which he has many) is “is everything alright, mate?” Perhaps we’re all just not quite on Paul’s wavelength yet — perhaps in years to come we will look back at his work here and realise that in truth, he had created the most accurate depiction of what a snowman feels. You’re just ahead of your time, Paul.

Position in task: First for artistry, last for actually looking like a snowman.

Watch out for: Paul’s final, glorious line in the VT as the blue liquid drips down the rabbit’s head, set to echo throughout the ages in Taskmaster history — “The bastard’s crying, innit.”

The best Tommy Vercetti impression in the show’s history.

56: James Acaster Recreates Grand Theft Auto (Series 7, Ep 10)

Task: Physically recreate a classic video game.

What happened: While all of the video game recreations were fantastic in their own way (Rhod Gilbert hitting young people with boxes on their heads with tennis balls, Jessica Knappett’s previously mentioned moustached golf karting Mario, Phil Wang’s wonderful Goldeneye and Kerry Godliman’s Tetris meltdown), but James Acaster’s stood out for the sheer effort that went into it — from the way he swaggered, jumped and ran sideways like Tommy Vercetti out of Vice City, to the rocketlauncher made out of cardboard, to the reference to the soundtrack (as soon as James got into his “car” he started fiddling with the radio and saying ‘music, lots of music’), to the glorious “Wasted” end. A wonderful, nostalgic thrillride.

Why is it so good: James didn’t have the best time on Taskmaster (from hulahooping disasters to many, many quite real temper tantrums), but this must have made it all worth it. Most tasks exist to torture comedians, but this felt like dessert after the main course— the show giving James the chance to do something fun after so many hours of pain and cruelty. James had the time of his life — mostly because he got to beat up Alex Horne (first with kicking, then with a cricket bat, then with a rocket launcher), but also because you felt like he was living out his adolescence, putting so many wasted hours to good use. And the accuracy! I cannot stress to you how pitch-perfect his impression of the jumping is. This is a man who has studied the GTA jump over and over, who could guide you from Prawn Island to Escobar International Airport like a seasoned taxi driver. A wonderful thing to watch.

Position in task: Mission passed [smooth piano riff]: first place.

Watch out for: James getting on a bike and shouting “stunt bonus! Stunt bonus!” while he tried to do an extremely unsatisfying bunnyhop. Artistry.

Katherine Parkinson, pictured here with an item better suited for carrying water than a net (ie, anything)

55: Katherine Parkinson Pours Water Into A Net (Series 10, Ep 8)

Task: Fill this cup until it overflows. The cup must remain atop the pole. Only liquids may touch the red green.

What happened: In a task where contestants had to fill up a cup on a very tall stick without touching the surrounding green — which literally none of them managed to do as they each dropped non-liquid onto the green — Katherine Parkinson still managed to stand out for baffling, brilliant nonsense. First she filled up a very heavy bucket with water and attempted to throw it onto the cup (didn’t work, just managed to throw a bucket of water on herself). But that was just the warm-up — the most wonderful brainfart was still to come. She took a net and tried to fill it using a hose. “I don’t think this is going to be the fastest time,” she said accurately, not registering the water was entirely falling out of the net (due to how nets work), “but I might achieve the task,” she added, inaccurately. After a few seconds she looked down at the net and realised what she was doing. An exasperated little tut, and it’s impossible to know if she was more furious with herself, or the net for betraying her. “I…should have expected that.”

Why is it so good: I could watch this moment on a loop and never tire of it. It sums up everything that is brilliant about Katherine Parkinson — a quiet, hopeful dignity even while doing the stupidest things. Her hopeful face, looking up at the cup, while the water that she’s hoping to transfer into it runs through the net and sloshes about her feet. There is something so pure and sweet about it all — the look in her eyes, the earnest belief that this, somehow, will work. But of course it won’t. It’s a net. It is literally designed to contain everything but water. And the dialogue, oh the most perfect dialogue. “I don’t think this is going to be the fastest time, but I might achieve the task.” If you wrote this scene in a film, the scripteditor would tell you to take it out — it’s too much, too self-knowing, too inherently ridiculous. And yet Katherine, quiet, dignified, utterly baffling Katherine does believe it. She might achieve the task. It just might happen. A net might be able to carry water. And who are we to tell her otherwise?

Position in task: fortunately for Katherine, this moment was overshadowed by everyone’s failure in this task, so she escaped mockery in the studio like water through a net.

Watch out for: Katherine at the start of the task, looking at Alex and asking “where’s the liquid?” indignantly, like there’s some kind of official branded Taskmaster liquid that she’s supposed to be using.

54: Joe Thomas Sneaks Up On Alex (Series 8, Ep 1)

Task: Sneak up on Alex. He will duck down and up every 10 seconds until you are spotted.

What happened: In the first task of Series 8 set in the exciting new trainyard, contestants had to creep across the landscape, ducking behind objects without being spotted by Alex who is standing on a railway bridge. It’s basically a giant game of Grandmother’s Footsteps, but Alex is your grandmother and he has a siren (a horrifying thought). While Lou Sanders hid in a red bin and ran about like a confused Dalek, Joe Thomas used brilliant stealth tactics and perfect timing actually managed to make it to the bridge and get within a metre of Alex. A champion performance.

Why is it so good: After a fairly innocuous start to the show (coming last after in two of the first three tasks), this was Joe Thomas announcing his arrival — by being as quiet as a ghost. On the one hand, it’s a genuinely thrilling task —Joe sprinting from station wall to piles of wood, dodging Alex’s sight by mere milliseconds as Alex whispers “come on, where are you” like he’s Tommy Lee Jones in The Fugitive. There’s one moment where he cuts it so fine the audience are literally egged on by their own gasps into giving Joe a round of applause, an amazing feat. And yet on the other hand, there’s something so beautifully pathetic about Joe at the end — after an absolutely magnificent performance of stealth and skill, he declares that he “made it within cuddle distance”… and then just walks around at the top of the bridge. Alex looks at him blankly — “are you going to say?” “If I’m allowed to,” Joe replies hopefully, as if he’s finally found a kindred spirit, a fellow awkward person who likes to walk around in abandoned train stations. “It’s quite nice up here.” “One of us has to go,” says Alex, ominously, like a line out of Waiting For Godot, and suddenly Joe’s face falls. “Oh.” The rare chance of friendship, brutally taken away, and Joe walks off sadly. Oh well.

Position in task: First in task, but in happiness? Who knows.

Watch out for: Joe’s little face staring up at Alex when he’s underneath the bridge, and the way it slowly creeps out behind the stairwell as Alex is busy klaxoning — he’s so desperate to get as close as he can to Alex. And yet he will be rejected. As always.

“Oug! Oug! Oug! A gauche!”

53: Hugh Dennis Guides A French Mel Giedroyc Around An Obstacle Course In A Wheelie Bin (Series 4, Ep 7)

Task: Navigate a wheelie bin across an obstacle course whilst blindfolded and without communicating in English. (Team task)

What happened: Hugh immediately put Mel in the bin (and attempted to close the lid), while Mel instructed him in flawless French (speaking as someone whose French is seriously flawed) through the obstacle course. The problem being, of course, that Hugh doesn’t speak French — cue a moment where Mel explained in detail that he had to turn around, reverse through a gate and then move on, and Hugh just standing there blankly, like a student who forgot to bring in his Tricolore book. Other highlights include Hugh waiting on a carpet for 11 seconds and then immediately crashing into a sign, and Mel telling Hugh to pop a balloon by saying “tu dois faire de BOOF”. Like watching a combination driving exam and GCSE French aural.

Why is it so good: It’s mostly the contrast between the levels of enthusiasm of Britain’s favourite double act, Mel and Hugh (clearly the joke Alex Horne was proudest of in the show) — Mel, like a substitute French teacher who’s had seven coffees, and Hugh, like a Geography teacher who’s waiting until 5pm so he can start drinking. Hugh stumbles about while Mel spends most of the task yelling “a gauche! A gauche! A gauche!” — it really had the vibe of a tired dad taking his child around the supermarket in the trolley. Mel’s instructions are consistently wonderful — at one point she struggles to describe a high five in French, and just says “we do the sign of basketball! We do the sign of cool!” Thankfully she gives Hugh a few context clues by grabbing his hand and clapping it, otherwise they could have been there a while (and gone through various cringeworthy variants). The sign of a woman having the absolute time of her life, and a man just about hanging on. Good old Desky.

Position in task: In comparison to Mel’s detailed French instructions, the other team used Lolly shouting “SCHNELL SCHNELL” a lot — and won comfortably.

Watch out for: Mel calling Hugh “Oug”, what she perceives is the French for Hugh — but as Greg points out, the French for Hugh is just Hugh. You can’t fault her commitment.

52: Jessica Knappett Pretends To Be An Airhorn (Series 7, Ep 3)

Task: Make the best noise. You must begin with ‘This is my best noise’. You must remain silent for 10 seconds after your noise. You have one attempt.

What happened: Jessica, having the Most Amount Of Fun A Contestant Has Ever Had On The Show, goes to the shed and finds a bunch of stuff — including a bike, a guitar, a loudhailer and a (completely silent) top hat. She then wonders “how will I put these all together?” before deciding to just… use all of them at the same time with varying degrees of success . “THIS IS MY BEST NOISE,” she yells, before weakly strumming the guitar that she’s jammed into the bike and yelling “WOOO-OOOOO” into the loudhailer. A few more strums of the guitar, then she finishes it off with the best bit — her air horn impression. “Hyuuuh! Hyuhh hyuhh hyuuuuuuh!”. One ring of the bell and finished. Mozart himself would have been proud.

Why is it so good: We’ve already seen how much fun Jess has in this show, but this is basically her at her most Excitable Toddler. She mashes as many things together as she can to make a noise and she isn’t dissuaded when they all sound a little bit shit — instead she just pulls out the guaranteed hit, the full throated airhorn. Intercut with James Acaster’s attempt (hitting a pair of rubber pants filled with water with a guitar with a bell strapped to it), it’s a demonstration of the full range of the Taskmaster experience — James’ is methodical, planned and disastrous, and he’s immediately furious, while Jessica’s is chaotic, nonsense and almost as disastrous, but she couldn’t be happier. It’s all about perspective.

Position in task: Second, deservedly, behind the creepy mutterings of Phil Wang.

Watch out for: The awkward ten seconds at the end where she has to remain silent. You can see just the tiniest hint of regret flicker across her face, a moment of “no, actually, what was that.”

A coconut businessman, or Morgan the anti-breastfeeding grump, depending on who you ask.

51: Bob Mortimer Creates A Coconut Businessman (Series 5, Ep 3)

Task: Make a coconut look like a businessman.

What happened: The task involved opening a briefcase (a challenge which took Mark Watson six minutes to achieve) and making the coconut inside look like a businessman. Naturally, Bob Mortimer asked for more fruit and some pens and immediately retreated to his dressing room, where he directed a short film on his mobile phone: an orange named Mary Downbyourside introduced herself as a lathe operator, an apple named Slow Peter told us he painted prison gates, and then a sudden smash zoom on a furious looking coconut, who informed us he was “a FUCKING BUSINESSMAN”. A baffling piece of art from a unique mind.

Why is it so good: Literally any task involving Bob Mortimer is a contender for this list — the bizarre, brilliant leaps in logic are perfectly suited to being on Taskmaster, and it’s really no surprise he won his series at a canter. Dreaming up three separate fruit characters in ten minutes is actually pretty bog standard for Bob — I desperately want to hear from Slow Peter’s lilting Scottish accent, and to learn exactly how long he’s been in the prison gate painting game. Arguably though the best bit of this task came from Greg himself, who made the point that the (unnamed) coconut character himself doesn’t look like a businessman, but rather just tells us he is one (he’s fallen into one of the classic pitfall of the coconut character creating world — show don’t tell…). Greg revoices the attempt — the orange becomes Barbara who likes horses, the apple becomes Quentin who likes ballet, and the coconut is now Morgan, who doesn’t think women should be allowed to breastfeed in public. He’s got a point. Greg, not Morgan the coconut, who sounds like a right dickhead.

Position in task: A rare misfire from Bob — last place.

Watch out for: Bob remarking upon seeing the coconut — “Ah, the coconut, the largest of all the nuts.” No time for an explanation.

50: Alice Levine Puts Alex Horne’s PIN into a chocolate egg (Series 6, Ep 8)

Task: Put something genuinely surprising inside a chocolate egg.

What happened: While Tim Vine managed to trap a fly in his chocolate egg (see earlier in the countdown) and Asim Chaudhry put the ground version of a fly, the worm, in his chocolate egg, Alice Levine took a different route. Her egg was wrapped in tin foil with a note that read “This egg contains the key to your fortune” — and when Alex opened it up, there was a tiny little Taskmaster style task. “Your personal identification number is [redacted]”, read Alex, with a look of disturbed confusion on his face. Alice had managed to get his PIN code — which also acts as the number for his phone and his burglar alarm. Alice Levine had effectively told Alex that she could steal his identity, through the medium of a chocolate egg.

Why is it so good: It’s the creepy slow build that makes this one — Alex slowly unwraps the egg as Alice Levine looks on with a kind of demonic glee. “It’s unsettling, Alice,” he murmurs as he looks at the tiny task, proof that Alice had broken into his life and had access to his money, his private messages and his home. “That’s a bonus emotion!” says Alice, always one to look on the bright side of these things. Primarily though you can tell that Alice is really, really enjoying her newfound role as the Evil One — you’d have expected this kind of creepy privacy invading nonsense from Russell Howard, maybe Asim, but Alice? There’s a real Gone Girl vibe to her here — her sweet exterior hiding an ice coolness who could potentially rob Alex of everything in his life and frame him for her murder. Very offbrand, but then that’s the joy of Taskmaster — people who you thought were just bubbly Radio 1 DJs turn out to be capable of truly scary things.

Position in task: First. Although that might be blackmail because Alice has access to his phone.

Watch out for: the way that Alice cackles back in the studio when Alex reveals that it was his wife that gave away his PIN, and the way he sadly says “there’s very little left now.” Poor, poor Alex.

49: Rhod Gilbert Ties Up Alex Horne (Series 7, Ep 10)

Task: Tie yourself up as securely as possible.

What happened: In one of the all-time greatest two-part tasks, where contestants had to tie themselves up and then put on a boiler suit when they heard the siren (see earlier in the countdown, with James Acaster having a full-blown tantrum), Rhod Gilbert’s lust for humiliating Alex gained him maximum points here. Instead of focusing on tying himself up as tightly as possible, Rhod tied Alex up instead — because the winner is the person whom Alex takes the longest untying. This was not only a great strategy, it completely negated the rugpull of the siren: when the siren went off, Rhod was still busy tying up Alex, so once he remembered what the siren actually meant (which, admittedly, took a long time), he just had to calmly walk over to the boiler suit, pop it on, take it off, and then get back to tying up Alex. Compared to the other contestants’ efforts — hopping and swearing and furiously untying themselves — it was very, very easy. In the end, Alex couldn’t free himself to “untie” Rhod (despite his best efforts), so his score in this task is infinite. A performance which earned him the respect and admiration of his peers — as Phil Wang said, “We’d love to hate that, but that was fucking great.”

Why is it so good: It’s the fact that this is such a fiendishly cruel task which Rhod pre-empts: by being fiendishly cruel himself. Make no mistake, Rhod isn’t just tying up Alex to restrain him — he’s doing it to destroy him. He ties every limb to the chair, he ties around his chest (“that’s a bit tight”, squirms Alex, with little response from Rhod), he even puts Alex’s shoes on his hands and puts a bucket on his head. Whereas usually that kind of treatment might illicit sympathy from the other contestants, you can feel instead the tide has turned — they were humiliated by Alex and his tying up task, and now they will enjoy his destruction. It’s a perfect performance by Rhod — only slightly marred by the way that he’s so entranced by his job of tying Alex up that he entirely forgets what the siren means. “You… you were supposed to do something when you heard the siren,” groans Alex, mournfully, hoping for just a little respite from this very strange bondage session. But then that’s Rhod. Clinical, professional, focussed on the task at hand. When Alex asks him if he’s done this before as he ties him up, he replies with a quick “yep”. The stories he could tell. Terrifying.

Position in task: First. Where else?

Watch out for: The way Alex tries to get out at the end (which involves an attempt at slouching his way out of the ropes). Also the way Rhod offers to get Alex something for lunch — “what would you like?” “Something sharp.”

Like a brand new Smack the Pony sketch.

48: Sally Phillips Gets Intimate With A Water Cooler (Series 5, Ep 5)

Task: Create the most remarkable water cooler moment using a water cooler.

What happened: While Bob Mortimer did his party trick of pulling an apple in two, and Nish very slowly kicked his water cooler after a very long run up, Sally Phillips went above and beyond for the show, with an extremely X-rated short film where she, well, what she did was, well, she… in Greg’s words, “she fucked a watercooler”. Her red heels and screams rocked the caravan as we watched like disgusting watercooler voyeurs from the outside, a bobbing watercooler head visible through the window. One of the most horrible, brilliant and arousing things on the show.

Why is it so good: It’s Sally’s commitment to the bit that sells this — the sexy music, the extremely vivid moans, the Titanic hand on the glass, the way that the water gushes (oh god) out of the caravan door at the end which raises a lot of questions about the anatomy of a watercooler and quite how much they, um, you know what, never mind. Sally seems almost embarrassed by it — not because it’s smutty, but because “it’s episode five and it’s old hat by now, you’re probably bored with it.” This is the great thing about Sally Phillips — she’s always looking for the next weird thing, always looking to push the envelope further, to the extent that she’ll find her old ideas dull after just a few minutes. Plus there’s something brilliant about how dismissive she is about the whole thing — her reason for doing it was that she “didn’t have a better idea”, so I guess why not have sex with a water cooler? Also, extra points for making Alex squirm as she recounts that midway through the task she said “I probably shouldn’t do this, should I?”, and was greeted by a “ring of men” (her words) egging her on. Alex has a real “oh no, we’re going to get letters” face on him at that.

Position in task: She came first. Ahem.

Watch out for: Alex’s voice breaking as he introduces Sally’s attempt — he really doesn’t like sexy things.

47: Johnny Vegas Whispers Sweet Nothings To A Dying Mannequin (Series 10, Ep 10)

Task: Neatly hang all of Bernard Mannequin’s clothes on the clothes rail. You may not step over the line.

What happened: This was one of the most violent tasks in the show’s history, where contestants had to undress a mannequin and then use his upsettingly lifelike corpse to pull a clothes rail towards them. And Johnny Vegas, a man who feels all the emotions all the time, struggled with the dichotomy inherent in the task — both to care for Bernard by undressing him, and yet also using him violently as a tool. He veered from the paternal (“Let’s get you undressed,”) to the vengeful (flinging Bernard’s body onto the floor in an attempt to get a missing item of clothing and yelling “GET YOUR SOCK!”). Eventually, Bernard’s battered body was flung over the top of the clothing rail as Vegas whispered “my boy! My beautiful boy,” into his shattered ear, like the lead in the fifth act of a Shakespeare play. “You’re absolutely fine, just…sleep on the rail,” he murmured, hanging Bernard by the neck on the clothing line, before turning to Alex with a haunted look in his eyes. “Finished.” A haunting, horrible task.

Why is it so good: Johnny doesn’t do anything by halves — he is a man of passion and fits of anger. If you present him with a mannequin, he will love that mannequin like his son. If he thinks that mannequin has betrayed him by hiding the hangers from him until the last few minutes of the task, he will scream “WHY DID YOU HIDE THE HANGERS UNDER THE CHAIR?!” and throw his cursed son to the ground. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin for Johnny, and both his joy in caring for this mannequin and the pain he experiences in hurting him are keenly felt. There is a moment when Johnny has to rip an item of clothing off of Bernard, and he sighs like a parent teaching a child — “this is going to hurt me a lot more than it’s going to hurt you” — and you genuinely believe him. Not just because, you know, his son is a mannequin. Johnny has invested in this. He has chose to love, he has chose to feel pain — and that makes the final image, Bernard’s lifeless head lolling back on the clothing rail as Johnny comes to terms with what he has done, all the more poignant. In search of Taskmaster glory, what has he become?

Position in task: Second. But at what mannequin cost?

Watch out for: Johnny first noticing the giant hole in Bernard’s head — that he put there — and gasping and sobbing. He tries to cover it with a bobble hat, but it’s no use. Bernard will never model headwear again.

Greg’s reaction to his befezzed mother.

46: Rhod Gets A Picture of A Befezzed Greg’s Mum In The Bath (Series 7, Ep 9)

Task: Take a photo of yourself wearing this fez in the most unusual situation.

What happened: Any task that involves Rhod Gilbert and “photo” and you’re fairly sure you know which way it’s going to go — with that picture of Greg in his speedos photoshopped into some background of the Welsh coast or whatever. Not so this time, when the contestants had to take a photo of themselves wearing a fez in a weird situation — Rhod managed to get a photo of Greg’s mum, wearing nothing but the fez and a grin, in the bath.

Why is it so good: It’s all about Greg’s reaction. The photo is revealed, the audience laughs, but Greg is so sure it’s going to be the Usual Photo that he doesn’t turn around and instead addresses the audience: “If this is a fez superimposed on a picture of me looking fat…” When he does turn, his face falls faster than a hulahoop from James Acaster’s hips. He does a literal Scooby Doo double take, barely able to comprehend what he’s seeing. The microexpressions on his face are a thing to behold — disgust, anger, admiration, confusion, laughter — before he lets his head fall into his hands. “Jesus Christ. You traiterous old woman.” Every time Rhod pranks Greg it feels like getting a little secret insight into their friendship — and this is one of the many times in the show that you feel like their friendship is going to come under considerable strain as a result. As far as I know, Rhod is still waiting for the promised repercussions.

Position in task: Last on a technicality (because he wasn’t actually wearing the fez.)

Watch out for: When Greg reveals that that’s his mother, Rhod jokingly says “And she’s here tonight!”… before Greg looks at him seriously and says “Yeah, she is actually.” Rhod quickly shuts up.

Joe Lycett, in the bath. Not pictured: Lolly, stealing Joe’s clingfilm.

45: Noel Fielding, Lolly Adefope and Joe Lycett Fail To Put Stuff In, Put Clingfilm Over and Fill A Bath With Water

Task: One member must put as many different things as possible into a bathtub, another member to seal the top of the bathtub with clingfilm, and another member to fill the bathtub with water.

What happened: In this disguised team task, the contestants were given separate tasks but had to work together to ensure that all of the tasks were completed — you fill the bathtub with items and water, and then cover it in clingfilm. The other team (Team Happy French Teacher and Sad Geography Teacher, Mel and Hugh) worked this out relatively quickly and completed it in a fair amount of time. Team Kidz (Noel, Lolly and Joe) did not. Instead of communicating with each other, Joe started clingfilming the bath and Lolly started throwing tables (literal tables) into the bath. Every time Lolly put something in, Joe threw it out angrily, and every time Joe clingfilmed, Lolly destroyed it with a table (a literal table). Meanwhile Noel Fielding runs in with a hose and starts dousing everything in water, to no effect. By the end of the task, Lolly has stolen Joe’s clingfilm and hidden it in a hedge, while Joe has thrown most of her tables (she has so many tables) onto the ground. As they’re walking away at the end of the disaster, Joe has a brainwave: “we should have told each other our tasks.”

Why is it so good: There’s an episode of Frasier where Niles and Frasier try to run a restaurant together, but because they don’t communicate with each other, they think the other hasn’t added the liquor to the flambé so they add far too much and accidentally blow up half the restaurant. If Noel, Lolly and Joe were in that episode of Frasier, every single one of the people in that restaurant would have died from flambé explosion, immediately. What makes this so fantastic is firstly Noel’s attitude — at the start he whispers to Alex “Are we supposed to work together, or…” but then entirely forgets that concept as soon as the task begins, instead “pissing water into a bath while Rome burned” (to quote Greg). Secondly is the complete lack of talking any of them do — Lolly starts throwing things in, Joe throws them out and starts clingfilming, Lolly starts stealing the clingfilm, Joe starts throwing things out — at no point does anyone stop and say “wait, what exactly are we supposed to be doing here?” The closest anyone gets to talking in this task is Joe screaming “where’s my fucking clingfilm” — cut to Lolly throwing it into a hedge. It’s simultaneously one of the chaotic and yet also one of the most silent battles in Taskmaster history — a French farce without any of the talking, just the slapstick.

Position in task: Last. Team Grown-ups wins again.

Watch out for: The reveal in the studio that Joe managed to break two of Lolly’s tables, and also that Noel managed to pour quite a lot of water into the bath — only for the plug to be dislodged by one of the many table kerfuffles.

44: Asim Chaudhry Mimes Made-Up Animals To His Team (Series 6, Ep 7)

Task: Write down as many obscure animals as possible in 3 minutes — and then convey the animals on the list to your teammate through mime.

What happened: Asim’s task — delivered by an whirring inflatable shark — was to write down as many obscure animals as he could think of. Of course, Asim being Asim, he wasn’t going to go for the obviously obscure ones (duck-billed platypus, etc) — instead, he came up with some entirely new ones. “Blue dog. Three-eyed raven. Anorexic elephant. Eight bollock cat…” The list went on and on, and Asim thought he had done a great job. Until he went into the next room and discovered that he would have to act them out to his teammates, Tim Vine and Liza Tarbuck. What followed was a ludicrous, terrible game of charades where Asim had to act out a series of stupid made-up animals, which ended with Asim lying on the floor, trying to be a laser-beam tortoise. I have no idea either.

Why is it so good: It’s really all in the split second when Asim is listening to Liza Tarbuck reading out the second task: his face drops, his eyes widen, he slowly strokes his beard in a way that betrays the utter panic in himself. He realises the terrible task ahead of him is entirely of his own making. It’s another example of very clever editing by the Taskmaster team — by showing us Russell’s orthodox take on the game first, and revealing what the second task is with him, we build up anticipation for how Asim is going to tackle it. “Strap yourself in,” says Greg gleefully before we see Asim coming up with his made-up animals. It means that each one of Asim’s ridiculous animals has two “jokes” — there’s the ridiculousness of the animal, but there’s also the dramatic irony — we know something Asim doesn’t know, that he’ll be forced to act these out as well. Simple, but very effective. Plus there’s a moment where Tim Vine guesses very confidently “a shy badger” which is so wonderfully wrong.

Position in task: Last. Orthodox wins out, sadly.

Watch out for: Liza Tarbuck proudly yelling “an eight bollocked cat” when she accurately guesses Asim’s animal, like it’s her favourite breed.

A look of quite serious regret.

43: Katherine Ryan Makes A Mess (Champion of Champions, Ep 2)

Task: Make the biggest mess and completely clear it up.

What happened: While the rest of the competitors in this special decided to take the task literally (doing the very male thing of making a big old mess in the Taskmaster house and then desperately vacuuming it up), Katherine Ryan went slightly more abstract — the mess she made was more emotional, as she called up her sister and told her that she’d caught her husband cheating on her. As if that wasn’t enough, she then called up her Dad to tell him that her sister was pregnant with a man who wasn’t her husband. And OK, her (lovely Canadian) dad saw threw that pretty quickly, but when Katherine went to “clean up” her mess by calling her sister again and telling her that she’d gotten confused, her sister revealed that she’d just told her husband that she was cheating on him! Like a Canadian version of Eastenders (Eh-stenders?), it snowballed from there — Katherine called up her sister’s husband to tell him that her sister was joking, but couldn’t get through and had to leave a message with his colleague. The whistle blew and…that was the end of the task. But you felt like the damage done to the family was just beginning…

Why is it so good: It’s Katherine’s dedication to making a mess that you really have to admire — there’s a steel to her from the get-go where she just casually tells her sister that her husband is cheating on her in a less-than-three minute phone call. The way that she then immediately moves on to her dad, dropping another fake bombshell, is so breathtaking that Josh Widdicombe genuinely looks like he’s about to throw up with second-hand embarrassment. What’s great (and a massive relief) is that Katherine’s sister gives as good as she gets — it turns out that she wasn’t cheating on her husband and that she was pranking Katherine back. Although, just typing this out now, I realise that could also have just been something they said on the show to tidy everything up after Katherine accidentally revealed a huge family secret on national TV (well, Dave). Regardless, it was a wonderfully messy performance that wasn’t totally tidied up by the end, but as Greg says, her commitment to entertainment is impressive. Plus, as Katherine says, “people shouldn’t be getting married anyway.” Merry Christmas 2017!

Position in task: First, where else?

Watch out for: Katherine’s adorably Canadian Dad laughing his way through a story about his married daughter being pregnant with another man and saying two lovely phrases — “Is it April 1st?” and, more marvellously, “I didn’t come over here on the last banana boat, you know.” Where’s THAT parent-comedian travel show?

42: Mel Giedroyc Makes An Exotic Sandwich (Series 4, Ep 8)

Task: Make the most exotic sandwich — and then, eat your exotic sandwich.

What happened: One of the first two-part tasks and arguably still the best. The contestants had to create the most exotic sandwich they could dream up, and most went for entirely disgusting or inedible flavours (Noel Fielding went one step further and put two slices of bread around Alex Horne’s head). Mel, on the other hand, had a brainwave. “Let’s go all sweet! Heck,” she said, for emphasis, as if “heck” were the foulest swearword in the English language, “everyone else is going to go savoury, aren’t they?” She decided that she was going to “blow the Taskmaster’s tiny mind”, presumably by overdosing him on sugar: her sandwich went bread, chocolate spread, chocolate orange, bread (or breadski, as she insisted on calling it), chocolate spread, Double Decker, bread, chocolate spread, Crunchie (at this point watching the task my teeth started to physically hurt), bread, chocolate spread, M&Ms (typing this out is making me feel quite ill), bread, chocolate spread, Maltesers, bread, chocolate spread, marshmallows (lightly bronzed by a blowtorch). Then, when the whistle blew and she stood back from her creation (“it looks like some kind of Japanese pagoda”, she said proudly), Alex presented her with a lunchbox…and the second task. Mel’s face crumples. “Eat your exotic sandwich, fastest time wins.” A moment for the ages.

Why is it so good: It’s another one of those tasks where the contestants are hoisted by their own petard — in this case a food pagoda full of so much sugar it could make you see through time. The way that Mel can’t even get the final line of the second task out (“Your time starts now”) because she’s just thinking about what she’s done, and what she now has to do — she softly murmurs, “Oh, gang…”, in the manner of a scout leader who has just led her troupe into the cave of a ravenous bear. Credit to Mel, she doesn’t shy from the task — while she doesn’t try to Scoobysnack it (eating it vertically like a normal sandwich, surely a guaranteed five points right there), she makes a good go of it by smushing the sandwich down and holding it sideways, taking “four good sized bites” as Alex says. Mel was already a firm favourite in the show, but the way she, one of Britain’s best loved comedians for over 20 years, sits there, chewing this unholy, cloying nonsense of a sandwich, her hand a mess of marshmallow, her face covered in chocolate spread and icing sugar, crying with laughter — with this task, her place in Taskmaster history was secure. Presumably held down by chocolate spread.

Position in task: Second last in exoticness, second in eating. Fun (but predictable) fact about this task — the exoticness of the sandwich was the direct inverse of how much of the sandwich competitors were able to eat. So (bonus points aside) everyone ended up with 6 points, making this task functionally useless. Hooray!

Watch out for: the reason Mel managed to get a bonus point — she accidentally got a blue M&M stuck up her nose during the task (after a particularly big bite) and had to enlist Alex’s help getting it out. To quote Greg, “those showbiz nights, snorting M&Ms…”

“You’ve been a bad boy, Alex.”

41: Rob Beckett Dresses As A Grandma And Douses Alex With A Power House (Series 3, Ep 2)

Task: Surprise Alex when he emerges from the shed after an hour.

What happened: We’ve already seen how Al Murray surprised Alex when he came out of the shed (gong, dong, etc), and there were a lot of great candidates for winners of this task (Sara Pascoe framing Alex for murder, Dave Gorman making the crew take their clothes off and then jumping out of bush), but for sheer baffling nonsense, the winner had to be Rob Beckett. When Alex opened the door he was greeted by Rob Beckett, dressed as a little old lady, sitting on a brown ‘70s sofa next to a bookcase, who shouted “Alex, you’ve been a bad boy!”, pulled off the blanket on his lap to reveal an industrial power hose, and then sprayed him in the face for 30 seconds while laughing maniacally. To quote Alex, “there’s a lot going on here.”

Why is it so good: obviously it’s blissfully, beautifully bonkers from the get-go, but what probably sells this task is how funny Rob Beckett finds it. There are times on Taskmaster when playing it straight is the best option (I’m thinking Rhod Gilbert’s clinical attitude to torturing Alex, or Rose Matafeo mourning a chickpea). But there’s a joy with Rob here — he starts laughing as soon as the water sprays into Alex’s face. He’s so pleased with himself that he abandons his grandma character almost immediately. There’s also a lack of context that gives the whole thing a surreal, dreamlike vibe — who is this grandma character he’s playing? Is she Alex’s grandma? Why has Alex been a bad boy? Why is her preferred mode of punishment to spray him in the face with a powerhose? Why does she say “bad boy” in such a sexy way? There are no answers to these questions — they are just non-sequiturs designed to confuse Alex into submission. And it works.

Position in task: First, deserved. No amount of gonging and donging could have beaten this.

Watch out for: Rob at the end, choking with laughter, turning to a visibly dripping Alex and saying “You alright? Are you wet?”, as if he hadn’t sprayed him the face with a powerhose.

So just two more parts to go of this never-ending distraction from the never-ending horror that is life in 2020 and 2021! Stay tuned for more genuine anger, more heartbreak and more comedians eating terrifying amounts of sugar just to placate your lust for their suffering! Thanks for reading and see you hopefully before the end of the world…

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