You Are Cordially Invited To My Pity Party
By: Alex Baia
Tags: Satire, Life, Party, Humor, Sad

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

I’m throwing a pity party for little old me. Join the festivities! Please?? Nothing good ever happens to me. 😢

WHEN

Tonight around 11 pm, when I start feeling MOST SHITTY about my life — usually right after I watch 3 hours of Everyone Loves Raymond reruns, realize I’ll NEVER find my Debra, then scroll Insta for an hour while eating a pound of stale Tostitos corn chips for dinner.

WHERE

Can we hang at your place?? My refrigerator is SO LOUD, and my landlord REFUSES to replace it, and I’m SO sick of it. 😩

WHY WE ARE CELEBRATING

It’s HARD to meet people. UGH. I’m still getting over my breakup with Meredith 💔, and I FINALLY got the courage to go on a date, and WE TOTALLY DISAGREED whether A League Of Their Own was a good movie which she said was a DEALBREAKER. We had ZERO chemistry and I don’t think she liked me AT ALL. I guess I’ll never find love. SIGH.

Bryan backed out of co-hosting my new psychology podcast, Let’s Be Friends! Some crap about “being too busy with his new baby.” So I guess I’m NOT doing a podcast after all. 😞

I was super stoked to FINALLY get in shape after feeling like an unattractive skinny-fat piece of CRAP for the past year, and on the VERY FIRST day I started doing my cardio routine I got really tired after 15 minutes and I gave up. I was just trying to do what the Beto Perez guy in the ZUMBA DVD told me to do, WTF, and it was CRAZY HARD!!

WHAT TO BRING

Your listening ears. I need to VENT!! 😡

Your PATIENCE while I describe my numerous aborted podcast ideas, the health issues caused by my poor diet, and the ten different girlfriends who I have freely allowed in my life that have made me so miserable that I JUST CAN’T EVEN.

A liberal peppering of your most convincing CONCERNED NODS and “YEAH, TOTALLYs.”

Any philosophical arguments you are aware of to the effect that other people are responsible for my wellbeing.

WHAT NOT TO BRING

Personal updates about how your life is going well. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THAT!!

Personal updates about how your life is going poorly. THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU!!

Any mention of the advantages I’ve had in life compared to most other people on this planet.

Any suggestion that I should “try meditation.” I WILL NOT!!

Any thoughtful bullshit about how “things aren’t so bad for me in the grand scheme of things.” E.g. Comparing my life to 13th-century Mongolian peasants who experienced nonstop hunger, brutal violence, and zero dentistry. NOT HELPFUL!! And for your information I’m 100% out of toothpaste because of COVID, and I HURT MY FOOT thanks to BETO PEREZ THE ZUMBA JERK!!

Any constructive advice about how to actually improve my life. I’M NOT LISTENING!! 🤬

PARTY RULES

Must agree with ALL my personal narratives that the world has been AWFUL TO ME.

Agree with me that “Bryan is a bad guy for choosing his infant over our mental health podcast that we talked about over beers one time six months ago.” Now I’ll NEVER be a famous podcaster, and the world won’t hear my opinions about how to ELIMINATE THE NARCISSISTS IN YOUR LIFE! And whose fault is that!? BRYAN’S!!!

No interrupting my flow!! Once I get going, I go EPIC, because I’m THE WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART OF WHINING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH.

RSVP

Please make it. PLEASE. No one showed up to my last pity party, and I think if that happens again I just won’t be able to take it anymore. 😭