Floating on a Conversation
By: Omar Gahbiche
Tags: Nonfiction, Life, Love, Relationships, Short Story

“Yes! I saw that video, and I loved it! I actually thought about texting you when I did. It reminded me of what we talked about last time.”

“That ‘Send’ button didn’t work again, huh?”

“Stop it! Actually, I did not get to that point, I didn’t even type a message.” She lets out an embarrassed laugh before she continues. “You know how lazy I can be on social media.”

Her eyes were shining. Her hand gestures were accompanying her talk.

She was talking about this very moving commercial going viral during that time. At some point, it goes:

“Sometimes, the journey is life-changing. Sometimes, we change the world. But most of the time, the world changes us.”

We both could not relate more to that.

“I could identify so closely with that. I was, many times, one of the people waiting for theirs to come back, and last time I was on the other side of ‘The Arrivals’ room. I came back with so many stories I couldn’t wait to share with my people and they seemed to be so excited to hear them.”

She was putting all her senses in motion. I could feel she was talking from her heart.

“But, I don’t feel you can ever tell those stories genuinely and feel them the way they happened.”

We came a little early so that the place won’t be loud and we sat at the bar. Authentic and cozy.

“You’re right, those are stories to be lived, not to be said. And between what happened and what is told, authenticity and so much magic are lost.”

She took a short break as we were getting our drinks served and then continued, “And, to be honest, I’m not quite sure that our people are really willing to hear every detail of our trip with real excitement, even if they do say they are.”

“The excitement does cool off quickly, doesn’t it?”

“Sadly, it does,” she admits. “At first, there was this honeymoon phase when I just came back and everyone wanted to hear everything. But, there were times where I was starting to tell a story from my trip, and while I was telling it, making sure to remember every single detail, I started checking my friends’ faces seeking for signs of interest, hoping I was not annoying them… And, seconds later, I felt that the interest was fading away and so was my flame to finish that story… I finished it anyway because I had to, but I really wished that I never had started it in the first place.”

I was emphatically nodding along while listening to her. I could feel her struggle. “Would you believe me if I said that the same thing happened to me many times?”

She smiles. “I do, I feel that you have been there and you can understand me. That’s why I’m telling you about this.”

We had to shout in each other’s ear now to be heard over the sound of the music getting unnecessarily and unreasonably louder.

I waited for a low transition between two tracks to be able to place a sentence. “And once that the you-coming-back extravaganza is over, those stories are all yours and only yours again.”

“And they can peacefully rest in my memories.” She let out a long sigh and said between two sips of her drink. “You know…You are the first person I’m going to confess this too. I think…I think that the last two months were the most awkward and uncomfortable for me during my whole life.”

I could almost see in slow motion the heavy words hardly falling off her lips and emotion tears starting to drop off her eyes. “What do you mean?”

“I was in this uncomfortable place, completely shaken up when I came back. I felt like I’d lost my bearings. I was here and there. I was torn apart by what I left there and by what is pulling me back here.”

Listening to her was giving me goosebumps. All of that had happened to me as well, but I was never able to say it nakedly the way she was doing. “And I guess you didn’t even have the time to withstand the shock..”

She shook her head and kept going. “I was in this strange and disturbing place where I was questioning everything, even the meaningless things that I had been fine with during all the years I lived here. The things I had seen and heard for so long without paying any particular attention were then disturbing me in my deep soul.”

Curiously, she never stopped smiling while talking out her sadness. And it made me wonder how sadness could make her smile. Or was she feeling relieved to get it out of her system? I was not sure about that but I was sure it was beautiful. Beautifully sad.

It made me wonder. And without even thinking, I was smiling back.

She said, “My friends have always taken the fact that I’m a good-living and enthusiastic person for granted. They always tell me they love having me around because I spread happiness. And they were glad I was back home because they would get to spend more time with the always-happy-me again.”

“But, they failed to understand that you needed to be sad for a while, did they?”

“Worse, I felt bad for being down. I felt that I owed it to them to be happy around them. There was no place for me to be sad. And I could not take it. So it got worse.”

I didn’t want her to keep anything inside. She needed to get it off her chest. “So, not only were you sad, but you had to hide it as well?”

“At some point, I tried to talk it out, but people would just joke about it and give you demoralizing answers like ‘Come on, this is not you, where did that vivacious and perky girl go? I want her back!’ But, it is not a button you press, for God’s sake!”

“I know, you’re right! But, eventually you will just joke back, tell them they’re right and maybe even thank them for cheering you up, for appearances’ sake.”

She laughs. “That’s what I do! And then I just put back that happy mask again.”

“But deep inside, you regret sharing those intimate thoughts with them.”

“Yeah…I’m really glad I was able to talk to you about it, though.”

“And I’m happy you got to do it. Come here.”

She leans towards me and we gently hug.