Classic Movies that just Stink
By: Remington Write
Tags: Movie Review, Movies, Hollywood, Musicals, Cinema

Classic Movies that just Stink

Sorry, not sorry, but these beloved classics need to go away

Gary Cooper and Grace Kelly in High Noon / WikiMedia Commons

Movies are only as good or bad as those watching them deem them to be and still I’m saying that the following “classic” movies are such stinkers that they need to be shoved into the very back of a deep, deep vault and locked away.

Have some popcorn and see if you agree (and I kinda don’t care if you do or don’t).

High Noon

I only recently saw this 1952 Western that boasts a score of 96 from critics on Rotten Tomatoes and I do not get it.

The story is uninteresting and stale with a wholly forgone conclusion, the “acting” is stiff and unalive and everyone is wearing such clean clothes. Come on, production crew, you can do better than this. It’s curious that the summary in Rotten Tomatoes talks about how “High Noon” broke with many of the traditions of the time when it seems to be one Western movie cliche from beginning to end right down to the swinging saloon doors.

Yes, I realize that I’m holding a 1952 movie to 21st century standards and I still say this was a dull, predictable, badly paced, uninterestingly shot, poorly acted mess of a movie.

Guys and Dolls

Here’s another one that the critics adored, that gets revived on stages large and small the world over, and whose tunes have entered the lexicon that was such a disappointment.

True, the tunes have held up and are still very catchy, but that story?! Trite, sexist, shallow, formulaic, and telegraphing its happy ending from ten miles out. What an incredible waste of a killer cast as well or maybe I should say miscast? Marlon Brando is not the guy who usually comes to mind as a song and dance man….for a reason. And even Frank Loesser, the composer for the Broadway musical and the 1955 film, hated Frank Sinatra as Nathan Detroit and never even watched the film.

If you really really need to see this “classic”, wait for the inevitable next revival and at least see some decent choreography and arguably dated but enjoyable tunes.

Public Domain shot from The Searchers’ trailer / WikiMedia Commons

The Searchers

Talk about a sexist, misogynistic, racist bunch of crap! And, again, this one is universally adored by the critics of its day and ours. I am mystified.

About the only thing I can say in its defense is that the cinematography of Monument Valley is stunning. Otherwise, it’s a standard-issue Western with an Injun-hating John Wayne out to recapture his kidnapped niece from them dirty savages with the intent of killing her because, after five years, she’s no longer “white”. Ugh.

Men on horses, running around killing each other. White actors in make-up portraying two-dimensional cut-outs of native people. Stilted dialogue and a contrived ending left a nasty taste long after the last scene.

His Girl Friday

This one is more problematic in that it’s really entertaining. The dialogue is fast-paced and snappy and, let’s face it, Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell could stand in front of a camera with matching dictionaries and own the production.

Publicity still from His Girl Friday / WikiMedia Commons

But the premise is kind of nauseating; that Hildy (Russell) can’t make a go of it on her own as anything. Her choices are to play second fiddle to Cary Grant’s dishonest “journalist” or be a happy wife to milquetoast, Ralph Bellamy, and live with him and his mother. Swallowing that and barrelling along with the rollicking and funny dialogue you’re kind of gobsmacked to hear terms such as “pickaninny” or completely unbelievable crap about a 1940’s mayoral candidate wooing the “black vote”.

This was one of my buddy, Peter’s, favorite films of all time and was more than once part of Movie Night with Neil, Peter, and I. Given that we generally joked and talked throughout all the movies we chose for movie night, it’s not surprising that I only caught these hiccups when my partner and I recently watched this admitted classic. It’s truly a product of its time and I doubt I’ll be rushing to see it again.