Joey Gets Away
By: Mark Starlin
Tags: Humor, Stock Photo Stories, Pineapple, Fiction, Love

Joey was a pineapple. As a young pineapple, Joey moved from Hawaii to Toronto. [Yeah, I know.]

Like most pineapples, Joey worked long hours at a job that had lost its luster years ago. Joey needed to get away. Escape the city. Take a holiday, as singing superstar Madonna used to say.

Although Madonna never fooled Joey with that fake English accent she used when she started out. He lived close enough to Michigan to recognize a hint of that Midwest/Canadian/Detroit accent sneak out. Eh? Joey figured vacation didn’t sound a good as holiday in a song, so Madonna was forced to become a fake Brit in order to sing it. Or maybe Joey just thought too much.

Joey took his lunch break on the observation deck and planned his escape. His only real stipulation was that it would have to be somewhere that they didn’t play The Piña Colada song.

When 5:00 rolled around, Joey left work and headed home. Careful to watch for overly-aggressive walkers and fruit store owners who didn’t give a second thought to pineapple kidnapping—a cruel underbelly of the city of Toronto, despite Canada’s polite citizen image.

Joey stopped at Nathan Phillips Square for a rest. Walking home is exhausting for pineapples. They don’t have legs!

His next stop was his usual spot for busking. Joey’s specialty was singing a cappella versions of Jack Johnson songs. Banana Pancakes was his favorite. He made four dollars, Canadian ($57 US. Or is it 8 cents US? I can’t keep up.) His tips had been getting progressively smaller, as hardly anyone carries cash nowadays. Joey didn’t care. He did it more for the surprised reaction from passersby.

After ending his version of Upside Down, a rude US businessman insisted on taking a picture of Joey on a crate of record albums outside Kops Records. Pineapples rarely say no, due to their lack of self-defense skills. So Joey agreed, although it killed another little piece of his soul.

At long last, Joey made it home. Well almost. He still had the stairs to contend with. Joey never forgave his realtor for recommending an apartment without an elevator. Even though she was his Mom. Some things are unforgivable.

Joey considered all his options for a “holiday” and chose a trip to the Canadian wilderness. Communing with the beauty of nature in his adopted home country seemed like an ideal plan. Nothing could be further from the cold cement and steel of the city than the wilds of Canada. So he packed a backpack and headed out.

Joey arrived in the great wilderness of his beloved Maple Leaf country and started hiking out into the wild. It was refreshing being away from the hustle and bustle — and stairs! Joey hated stairs! — of the city.

Although he appreciated the rocking guitars, vocal performance, and overall catchiness, he firmly believed Foghat got it wrong when they wrote Fool For The City. The wilderness was the place to be! Joey sang, “Take me home, country road” as he trekked further into the wild.

Then he remembered bears. Drooling, hungry-looking bears. Joey decided Mexico was probably a better idea.

Joey touched down in Mexico and headed to the local watering hole. But he instantly ran into the language barrier. No one spoke pineapple. And Joey couldn’t speak papaya, or mango, or banana, or canteloupe.

So Joey decided to go swimming. He was finally starting to relax when he heard the sounds of the Song That Shall Not Be Named.

“I was tired of my lady

We’d been together too long”

NO!

As soon as the song ended, they started playing it again. Joey swam for the side of the pool and headed back to his room. On the way he saw the most horrendous sight imaginable. It was bad enough that they were playing the song over and over, but humans were decapitating pineapples and filling them with piña coladas!

Joey ran (or whatever he did) and ran (or whatever he did) and ran (or whatever he did) and ended up on a rock outcropping overlooking the water. He decided he had to leave Mexico. But to where?

As he was making his way back to the hotel, he came across a local food and drink stand. As luck would have it, a few ex-pat Pineapples from California were at the stand. He told them his horror story. They were shocked and thanked him for the warning. When they learned he was from Toronto, they were shocked that he had not gone to Pineapple Beach in Port Burwell, Canada.

Apparently, there is a secret beach in Port Burwell where pineapples from all over the world gather to get away. To take a holiday. But not only Earth pineapples gathered there, also pineapples from space.

Joey packed his backpack and headed back to Canada. Naturally, he assumed they were just kidding about space pineapples. Everyone knows pineapples are alone in the Universe. Despite the pineapple UFO conspiracy theorists insistence that pineapples are not alone in the Universe. And that they are different colors than Earth pineapples.

When Joey arrived at Pineapple Beach, he found out the truth is stranger than fiction. There were pineapples of many colors — space pineapples.

Joey settled in, ready to finally relax. After a while, Joey decided a walk would be nice. So he strolled along the beach, enjoying the sunshine.

Joey noticed someone was following him. He turned and saw a silver pineapple, so he introduced himself. Apparently, the space pineapple spoke Earth Pineapple or had a universal translator because she could understand him. Her name was Blee.

Joey and Blee spent the day together. And the next. And the next. They fell in love. Then Sunday came. Blee told Joey she had to return home.

Joey stared out at the water and wondered what living on another planet would be like.

Blee stared out at the water and wondered what living in Toronto would be like.

Monday came, and Joey’s cubicle was empty. Joey never returned to his job or Toronto. But on the planet Bleebop, a particularly not silver pineapple found a new home. And love.