Santa “Cancelled” After Problematic Tweets Resurface From 2004
By: Emma Clarke
Tags: Christmas, Humor, Holidays, Life, Satire

Santa “Cancelled” After Problematic Tweets Resurface From 2004

Lapland reportedly “disappointed” by the comments

Photo by hue12 photography on Unsplash

Households across the globe are blocking up their chimneys in protest against Father Christmas after a social media scandal last week.

The prominent festive figure has been branded “problematic” as tweets resurfaced of him making derogatory comments towards elves, calling them “Santa's little layabouts” and “idiotic moose-munchers”. The posts were part of a bizarre rant, which many speculate was written under the influence of one festive brandy too many.

Lapland has distanced itself from the controversy, with Shaw Tarse, the head of the Union of Extremely Hard Working and Very Cute Elves (EHWVCE), saying he was “disappointed” by the comments. “We have come a long way in improving the reputation of hardworking elves in Lapland and beyond.” He said. “Comments like these set us back as a community. I would also like to firmly reject any accusations of elvenkind “munching” on moose.”

“As Santa is well aware, moose are bloody massive and can easily wipe out a town of elves. As delicious as those moosey buttocks look, we simply can’t be taking those kinds of risks as a vertically-challenged people.” Shaw Tarse apparently made the last comment with a far off, lustful look in his eyes, but our reporter does not wish to speculate any further.

Santa has claimed that the tweets were posted when he was emotionally immature, at just 65, and was feeling the pressure of his work. “It’s like, after I’ve climbed into every single home on earth I get a little tired and grouchy, you know? But yeah, I suppose I would like to apologise for any offence caused by my comments.”

The celebrity has previously admitted to anger management issues following accusations that he had vandalised a town nativity display in Yorkshire last year. Reindeer prints were found at the scene, along with a scrawled post-it note which reportedly read “Bitches if baby Jesus is so good then why doesn’t his holy ass help with the present distribution m*********. The ceramic baby Jesus was found covered in coal and had been moved to create the impression that it was being “teabagged” by a hay bale sheep. Several members of the town were said to have felt “let down” by the incident.

A close source also reported that Santa “completely lost it” when a Ford Fiesta was found blocking access to a block of high rise flats with no chimney access. Strangely, a human turd wrapped in tinsel was found on the hood of the vehicle in question. At the time, a Lapland representative rejected all accusations, insisting that it was “a misunderstanding”. Mr Claus himself declined to comment.

Santa has been keeping a low profile since the scandal, though this morning he was photographed in sunglasses and a large red hood taking the bins out. Reporters noted that his glass bottle recycling was “quite full”. Close sources have asked the press to respect his privacy at this difficult time. “Nick has been working a lot on self-growth recently and has adopted a Wim Hof breathing practice that has been highly transformative. He needs the space to focus on himself right now.”

In other unrelated news, local councils have put out an appeal for information on a “fat, drunken figure” who is a suspect in a sudden bout of incidents involving tinsel-wrapped turds. Please contact your local authority if you know anything.

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