I think it’s time we started seeing other viruses. — The Angry Dad
By: Nathan Roberts
Tags: Crisis, Humorous, Satire, Pandemic, Covid 19

Dear COVID,

What a crazy, crazy year it’s been! We’ve got so many memories during this time. Believe me when I say, I’ll cherish them forever. I just don’t know where this is going, and doubt has always frightened me. But, I think you know what’s coming next. Yup, this is one of those letters.

I don’t want you to blame yourself for this. I just want you to know you’re not really my type. You’re a take-charge kind of virus. OMG, the way you just kind of nonchalantly walked into the room and said “That’s it! Shut EVERYTHING down!” was so…extroverted and macho. Don’t get me wrong, mad respect for that. But I can see our personalities clashing too often. I like to live my own life, do my own thing, and take my destiny by the horns. It’s not dangerous to mix fiery personalities. I don’t know what happens when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force, and I’m not sure I want to find out.

Sweetheart, my whole world has been COVID-19 since you stepped on the scene. Every aspect and avenue of my existence is informed and affected by you. You’re going to do a lot of good out there, but just not with me. I can’t lose myself in a virus, and I can’t define myself only in terms of my symptoms. Otherwise, I lose my own identity and wholeness as a person. You understand that, right? Man, I hope you understand that. And I hope you’re not mad at me for all this. I just want some normalcy. Movie theaters are open again but they’re mostly empty. There’s no concessions, and hardly anyone goes. Sure, I can see a movie, but it’s about the experience, and the experience right now isn’t anything like it was before. I remember when I saw Endgame with such fondness. That was the greatest time I’ve ever had at a movie. OMG, when Cap started using Thor’s hammer and the theater erupted with cheers? And then he whispers “Assemble”! I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it. Gosh, that seems like a million years ago now. I didn’t even know you existed then. You’ve taken all that away from me, and I’m not sure I can forgive you. I will try but it’ll take some time. I think maybe it’s a space thing at this point. You’re in my eyes, ears, and nose all day, every day. It’s not terribly good for my mental health.

I should have seen it as a red flag when we started this whole, crazy…thing, how so many people are afraid of you. Fear is a good tool for getting things done, but it’s unsustainable. I don’t fear you, because I know you and I see the real you. I wish I could make other people see the you that I see. Unfortunately, I have to live my own life and handle my own problems, and-how do I put this-it scares me how much you scare others. Maybe I’m rambling here. I just don’t like how people shrink in terror at the mere mention of you, because I know what a teddy bear you really are, and it weighs on my spirit to see the fear in others’ eyes. I just can’t do that to myself any longer. I love people, and you get in the way of my meeting and interacting with them. That’s not my kind of world. Maybe I’m to extroverted myself and maybe I seek validation in my relationships with others, but I can’t even share a smile with a stranger at the store anymore thanks to your mask mandates and that hurts me in my heart. In my heart, COVID. The intense separation you’ve introduced to our lives really pulls at the soul of an extrovert. You get it, right? Gosh, I hope you get it.

Before you start in with the accusations, I want you to know there’s nobody else. There’s just you. Just you. I haven’t seen the flu since 2019 and I normally get the flu EVERY YEAR! I almost miss that diarrhea-inducing rascal in a silly sort of way, and I think it’s weird the year we met is the first year I don’t get the flu. What a mind effer, am I right? Makes me think this is all some grand shared illusion and some powerful person somewhere is pulling the strings. The common cold? Total case of MIA. I’m definitely not going back to pneumonia. I got that in February right as you were building steam in the news and he was abusive, overwhelming, and debilitating. You are better at the little things in a viral relationship. Bronchitis called me the other day. I haven’t seen him since I was 18. He’s doing well. He prays for you and thinks you’re going to fast, too hard and are going to burn yourself out. The way you’ve overshadowed and taken all the attention from those guys, I’ll bet you’re going to make a more needy person so happy someday. But I digress. Bronchitis and I can’t tell you how to live your life. And you’ve got to do that. You’ve got to live yours, and you’ve got to let me live mine. Try to be happy and healthy, and don’t make me your reason for living, morphing, whatever it is you do. I know you had your sights set on getting upgraded to an epidemic. Keep going to the gym and shooting for that goal. Go out there, meet people, infect them, and live! Promise me you’ll do that, and we can see each other again when all the craziness settles down and things are back to normal. I mean, in the last year I moved, switched jobs, and started a business. You know what a hassle those can be when times aren’t tough. I’ve got to find myself again in this mess. I promise, I’m not done with you for good, I’m done with you for now.

Love,

Your Natey Bear

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COVID image taken from:

https://www.forbes.com/sites/brucelee/2020/03/17/covid-19-coronavirus-did-not-come-from-a-lab-study-shows-natural-origins/