GoT Recap: Finally a Varys Episode
By: Zoë Wroten-Heinzmann
Tags: Game of Thrones, Grief, Pop Culture, Romance, Television

Kellie: there was not enough of that scene, damnit.

Jesse: Luke and Leia were one thing, man.

Mentally insert “, auntie.” at the end of all John’s sentences.

Chris: Now we deal with the Dany/Jon tension?

Zoë: I’ve said it before, Targaryen incest is the best incest.

Kellie: Every episode I care less about Jon and Dany.

Their tension is more irritating.

I want some Cersei, damnit.

Jesse: Now that we’re zombieless I no longer have any ideas what the conflict and stakes are.

Chris: Me either.

John: It’s nice seeing Dany so emotionally vulnerable, actually.

Chris: It just makes me want her out of the way.

John: Well yeah.

Jamie and Brienne gonna get pancakes.

Chris: I mean what do we need Dany for now? The dragons I guess.

Zoë: I dunno y’all, I think that was some cold shit she pulled.

Chris: Whatever unsullied are alive?

Jesse: Has anyone pitched a confederacy, maybe an EU kinda deal?

Zoë: She’d stab Jon in his sleep.

Chris: Wait what shit that she pulled?

Kellie: I agree with Zoë.

Zoë: Manipulative conversation? Possibly fake crying?

John: Oh look, they remembered Dorne exists.

Chris: I feel like she’s gotten whatever revenge for her messed up family she was owed.

She doesn’t need the throne.

Kellie: That’s what will end her. The obsession to still need it, and she will let that blind her wisdom.

Oh I like this Stark sibs meeting

Jesse: Raven Bran goods spill.

Jon no.

Kellie: TELL HER JON

Chris: I like this meeting, too.

Jesse: I’m uncomfortable with the Bri-Jamie pairing, but I’m loving the Tyrion bants.

Zoë: There is no way Sansa is keeping this secret.

Kellie: Oh def not.

OH look who made it to Winterfell!

John: I like the idea of Brienne and Jamie settling down and living off the fat of the land.

BRONN!

Zoë: It’s so sweet! I am genuinely happy that they’re happy, too. ❤

Jesse: It’s nice, but I feel bad for Tormund.

Chris: I know, what’s left for Tormund?

Leading the wildlings?

Bronnnnn

Jesse: Is Bronn different than Bran, I can’t keep up.

John: I knew he wasn’t going to kill them.

Chris: Yeah, Bronn is the guy with the crossbow.

Zoë: If I were them, I’d kill him asap!

Chris: Yeah he needs to die!

Kellie: I like how Sansa’s hair is getting more braided like Dany’s.

Jesse: Who is fucking doing that?

Who has the time?

Kellie: Oh, she’s telling Tyrion.

Chris: Hahahhaha

Kellie: Maybe not. I just want her to.

Oh Tyrion, IF YOU ONLY KNEWWWW!

Awwwwww.

Jesse: “…I hope it’s a girl.”

John: Oh Jon, that’s fucked up.

Ditching Ghost?

Chris: What’s interesting is Sansa’s hair was getting a lot like Cersei’s for a while.

Jon hasn’t cared much about Ghost for a while.

Kellie: Awww, Samwell. ❤

John: He’s not even going to like, pet him goodbye?

Zoë: The direwolves are like the Stark-ness of the Starks…he’s totally just ready to toss his out the window.

Chris: Gilly is so strange.

John: So fucked up, Jon.

Kellie: Yesssss, see of course Varys knows the TRUTH.

John: I wouldn’t do that to any of my cats.

Zoë: Maybe Jon will come back to the real North someday.

Jesse: ……Okay

……..

Chris: Shouldn’t the wolf be bigger than that?

Kellie: Hahaha, I always appreciate the Tyrion and Varys moments.

Chris: Me too.

Kellie: Oh fuck.

Jesse: Shit about to get real guys.

Kellie: OH FUCKKKK

Jesse: I don’t understand it.

John: Oh god, they finally acknowledge that this is in fact incest.

Jesse: But it looks intense.

John: Wtf

Zoë: Oh shit!

Chris: Haha I have no idea what you guys are referencing yet.

Kellie: I’m definitely ahead of y’all with Jesse lol

Chris: Oh, now I do.

Holy shit!!

John: I guess Rhaegal is very dead now.

Chris: Bronn?

Oh no, not Bronn.

Euron.

Euron

Where did this fleet come from?

Jesse: Waka waka!

Zoë: The tentacle design of those spears is pretty cool, gotta say.

(The spear shooter things, whatever you call them.)

Jesse: Ballista.

John: Phew, Varys survived at least.

The rest of them can die so long as he lives.

Chris: Ok but why didn’t Dany set the boats on fire?!

Zoë: I was on the verge of saying “Dracarys” myself, damn.

Jesse: Hold up.

Chris: HOW IS EURON BACK ALREADY?

None of this makes sense.

Seriously why did she just decline to torch the boats?

Zoë: He flew on…..his…..dragon?

Kellie: He just took a little jaunt out on his boat to kill a dragon. Now he’s back in the tower.

Jesse: I always said ballistae instead of ballistas as the plural but thought I was being pretentious. But I looked it up and that is the proper plural.

I mean it’s still pretentious but I’m right, is my point.

Chris: This is very confusing.

Kellie: Ohhhh interesting….

I don’t want to say things and spoil lol.

John: This conversation is everything I wanted to hear.

Chris: FINALLY A VARYS EPISODE!

Kellie: Exactly!

Zoë: Varys inspiring me 😢

Chris: Varys might be my favorite living character.

Kellie: I have always loved his character!

Chris: Haha I’ve been demanding him for weeks.

Jesse: My phone battery might not survive the episode, but I hope this doesn’t come back and bite me but I really feel Jamie.

Kellie: Noooooooo!

Zoë: Oh damn.

John: Oh Jamie.

Kellie: I know that’s why I was nooooo-ing.

Chris: Booooooooooooo!

Kellie: Also… something is happening.

I’m scared.

Chris: He just had all his redemption.

Zoë: Damn, Kings Landing has some new artillery.

John: Jamie kills her. He has to.

Chris: I don’t get what she wants Missandei for.

Zoë: Totally agree, John.

Kellie: Poor Missandei.

Kills who?

Zoë: Jaime kills Cersei.

Kellie: Cersei?

Zoë: Yeah, I don’t get why anyone cares about Missandei.

Jesse: God damnit.

Chris: It’s interesting that Cersei kept her hair short.

Zoë: Sorry, Missandei. I mean, Grey Worm cares.

Jesse: Subvert my expectations already!

I liked her better in Dredd and that’s saying something.

Kellie: But how does Tyrion know this?

Chris: Yeah how DOES he know that?

John: Missandei is so dead.

Chris: Love “The Rains of Castamere” slowly playing.

Kellie: Is everyone done yet?

Jesse: Why is (almost) everyone alive?

Kellie: Yah, into the dragon song.

Jesse: I was promised nihilistic slaughter.

John: I loved this.

Chris: Why did she say “dracarys”?

John: Why wouldn’t she?

Kellie: Wow, that ‘next on’ gave us NOTHING hahaha

I love it.

John: She knows she’s about to die.

Chris: So why say the dragons name?

John: Of course you want her to burn, but that’s not how she dies.

Zoë: “Dracarys” is what she says to make them shoot fire.

“Shoot fire” lol

Jesse: I heard dragon noises; I thought Cersei was gonna get surprise burned.

John: No way.

Cersei gets a poetic justice kind of death.

Chris: Haha none of you are answering the question.

John: Either Jamie kills her or she dies giving birth to a dwarf.

Chris: Why would Missandei randomly say the dragon’s name?

Kellie: She didn’t say the dragon’s name, she said the word that calls them to breathe fire.

John: That’s not the name.

Chris: Ok, so why did she say that?

Zoë: Hoping it will breathe fire all over Cersei?

Kellie: Yah, or she just knew she was going to die and it was her final word of allegiance to Dany maybe?

John: I think she was telling her to win.

Chris: Yeah that next on was useless.

John: Good, it should be.

Chris: I mean they did make this episode more exciting than I was expecting but I still just don’t care all that much about this conflict.

Kellie: The best conflict is the Varys and Tyrion discussion about treason for sure.

Chris: I feel like if it wasn’t for Dany the rest of them could just like seize a few kingdoms and dig in.

John: That’s what’s great, it adds a wrinkle.

Chris: I hope Varys poisons her.

John: There are arguably three contending forces.

Kellie: John, you were right about why she said that according to the “Inside The Episode” that I just watched.

“Light them up.”

John: I’m always right. Thank you.

Can I just say….I wish I had a Bran so I could tell people things I need them to know without telling them myself

Chris: Hahahahaha

Zoë: I still feel let down by this episode. I know it would be tough to follow the previous one no matter what, but I still feel like we’ve clearly marched towards the straightforward battle for the Iron Throne.

Chris: Agreed.

John: I just feel bad for Brienne.

She finally gets laid and dude hauls ass back to his sister.

Zoë: I know, I was so ready to toast to her and Jaime!

Chris: Me too!!