When did you know?
By: Sean Bennett
Tags: LGBTQ, Self Discovery, Life Lessons, Coming Out, Creative Non Fiction

The question of ‘when did you know you were gay?’ is one we can all relate to in the queer community. Obviously, the label in the question will change from person to person, but the underlying meaning stays the same,

When did you know you were different from the rest of us?

And, when asked by friends and family, people who knew you before and after coming out, there can be yet another subtextual question below that,

Why didn't you tell us sooner?

Both good questions. Neither of them with easy answers.

I used to say I really knew I was gay when I got together with my first boyfriend. I would joke about how that seemed like a pretty hefty tip-off in my mind that my preferences might be a little queer.

Obviously, this was not entirely true. But humour is a time-honoured way of deflecting difficult questions. If it ain't broke… well, you know the drill.

In truth, I had absolutely no idea when I knew… I just… did, eventually.

Looking back

I write about hindsight fairly often, not least because it’s decidedly clearer than any other kind of sight. Figuring out when I knew I was gay is no exception.

I still don't know when I knew per se, but my past does have some clues tucked away behind misty-eyed memories. Looking back, I can see moments and feelings scattered throughout my life that were obvious signals, but at the time I was blind to all of them.

For most of my adolescence, for example, I was heavily involved in amateur dramatics and, during one of those productions, I fell head over heels for a girl with whom I had become very good friends. I was utterly infatuated.

In hindsight, I was equally enchanted by one of my male castmates at the same time, only the thought of such things never crossed my mind. I had queer feelings, clearly, but I was completely in denial.

Gazing over my shoulder at the years gone by, my life suddenly seems to be littered with signs that completely passed me by. It's incredible how your true feelings can hide from you in plain sight.

I always used to look at attractive men and wish I had the same fashion sense as them, or wish I had the same coolness or the same body. I was jealous of their looks and of their confidence. I thought I wanted to be like them.

Turns out I didn't want to be like them, I just wanted them. The feeling wasn't jealousy, it was attraction. My gayness was getting louder and louder and I still turned a blind eye.

The craziest thing is that I didn't have anything to fear. I knew my family and friends would be supportive; I had grown up in distinctly liberal surroundings, so there was no obvious reason for my trepidation.

This is where we have to recognise that society exists. No matter how open and accepting your own circle is, there is a big bad world out there full of danger, hate, and underrepresentation.

And they wonder why we didn't come out sooner?

There's no timestamp

Coming to terms with who you are takes time. It's a long and arduous journey of self-discovery that takes place in fits and starts. In the quest to find your true identity, there is no such thing as plain sailing.

If I’m totally honest, I still can't put my finger on ‘when I knew’ and, all told, I'm not entirely sold on the idea that it’s possible to pinpoint. I can't tell you when I realised I was male, or white, or European. They are just facts of my existence that, at some nonspecific point in my life, became apparent to me. Why should we expect sexual orientation or gender identity to be any different?

So, let’s take another stab at those questions, shall we?

When did you know you were different from the rest of us?

Always and then again at some point. There's a reason why queer people so often say they always knew they were different. It's because it's true. But that doesn't mean we knew why.

The true meaning behind all of those feelings becomes apparent slowly and in a fairly vague and disjointed manner, at least in my experience. There’s no bolt of lighting. No big queer epiphany where we hear the voice of Elton John. It a slow burner. A feeling that grows, piece by piece, until the puzzle begins to make a rainbow.

Why didn’t you tell us sooner?

I promise you we tell you as soon as we are able.

But being able to come out and knowing that you are queer are two very different things. Some people go years living queer lives without ever being able to come out to some or all of their family and friends. This is a simple fact of the world we live in. I hope with all my heart that things change soon.

In our society, and especially in particular communities, queerness is still systematically oppressed and suppressed. We grow up within these systems and we commit them to our souls. Even the luckiest of us, in the most accepting environments, feel our hearts quicken when we have to come out.

We are trained by our surroundings to disregard our own identities. Those stains on our minds take time to scrub away. Some will never be truly gone.

I suppose, then, the answer to that ultimate question is something like this -

I always thought I might be different, but it took a long time to gather the self-confidence to know I was queer.