Is it Postpartum Depression, or does having a newborn just suck sometimes?
By: Anna H
Tags: Baby, Postpartum, Motherhood, Birth, Postpartum Depression

Let me get one thing out of the way. Postpartum depression is real, it is common, it is under-diagnosed, and it is devastating. As many as one in five new mothers, and one in ten new fathers will experience it.

But there is a troubling dichotomy for women who have had a baby: as a society we expect that either they must be absolutely ecstatic, or clinically depressed. For a time in a person’s life that is rife with the most colourful spectrum of emotions, collectively we don’t seem very open to acknowledging most of them. When I opened up to a colleague about not particularly enjoying my maternity leave he immediately looked at me with exacting disbelief and said “Wow, you’re not very maternal are you?” And he is far from alone in his perception. Most people will assume that unless your face turns into the heart eyes emoji any time your children or parenting is brought up, you may be unfit to parent.

I can’t count how many women I have spoken to who have said something along the lines of, “in hindsight, I think I had postpartum depression I just didn’t realise it at the time.” Why do so many women feel this way? As one such woman, I wanted to unpack it a bit.

“Depression” is a really misleading name

Postpartum doesn’t always feel like sadness. Often I think that’s why so many people don’t think they have it or seek help while going through it. There’s postpartum anxiety, rage, numbness, etc. Essentially having a child can trigger a range of feelings and /or mental health issues, and for some bizarre reason we have labelled them all “depression”. This article is a really helpful overview of the breadth of feelings that don’t get talked about.

Nobody can prepare you for how hard it is

Even if your brain has been flooded with a tidal wave of dopamine and serotonin, nobody can prepare you for how hard having a newborn is. Take this list:

Sleep deprivation

Piercing sounds designed to give you a spike in cortisol

Physical pain potentially including (but not limited to) torn muscles, sore / cracked / bleeding nipples, back pain

Loss of personal time and space

A constant state of alertness and vigilance

Most of the items on this list could also be torture techniques at Guantanamo. In fact, some of them are. And if you’re so unlucky as to not have dopamine and serotonin firing on all cylinders while experiencing all of this… let’s just say you don’t have to be having a mental health crisis to not enjoy this stuff. It’s literal torture.

Suddenly you have to mourn

Whether it’s spending lots of time down at the pub, talking to your friends about something other than children, being a rising star at work, or feeling sexy and desirable, you don’t expect a part of you to suddenly disappear. But sometimes it happens. Luckily sometimes those things come back with time, but sometimes some of them won’t. It’s a hard adjustment to suddenly face the thought that you might have passed your peak in some department of your life, without ever knowing ahead of time that you were making that choice. And yes, you get a great new role and so many meaningful life experiences as a parent, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be allowed to mourn the life you had before.

There’s so much pressure

Whether it’s having a “natural birth”, being able to breastfeed, understanding what your baby needs, or establishing a routine, parents are expected to be able to naturally ace brand new behaviours and skills, even if they are beyond their control. There is so much pressure that comes with being a new parent and it’s hard not to constantly compare yourself to other parents. But the truth is that most of the time that stuff is out of your hands. None of the above are indications of being a good parent.

Emotions come in waves

You may feel great one day and extremely lonely the next. You may have weeks of feeling one way and suddenly feel another way without rhyme or reason. Between birth hormones, baby blues, breastfeeding hormones, and sleep disruption, who can make sense of anything anymore? Not since puberty have our emotions and hormones been so new and confusing. And there is woefully little understanding of how or why our bodies are affected by hormones post birth because women’s health and the experience of giving birth aren’t important enough for the medical establishment to invest money in. So long as the mother and child are both physically healthy, we should all just be so grateful and delighted, right?

Oh, and if you’re in a minority demographic, that bit about mum and baby being healthy is not even guaranteed. Black women are five times more likely to die during childbirth than white women in the UK. This is a shameful statistic and further research is woefully lacking. Research from the US also suggests that black women are less likely to get treatment for a postpartum condition. Why is that the case? It seems to be a vicious cocktail of factors. Many black women don’t trust the medical establishment (for good reason) and are too afraid for fear that their children will be taken away. In addition, black women are expected to be “stronger” and withstand more pain and suffering than white women, but they are also less likely to be believed when they do report symptoms.

Look, at the end of the day if you have had a baby and you’re not happy, talk to a health professional. Even if it’s probably nothing.

It’s normal and very common to have a postpartum mental health issue and it’s better to overreact than under-react in that situation. After all is said and done, I probably did have undiagnosed postpartum numbness myself.

But let’s also acknowledge that the postpartum period combines two things that have historically been ignored and brushed under the carpet: women’s health and mental health. And should women (or men, or others) have some complex postpartum feelings beyond “I have never known a love like this before”, we don’t necessarily need to jump straight to pathologising them. The options aren’t binary. You’re not a bad parent or sick for having feelings — you’re human.

Having a baby is a world-shattering, life-altering, life-affirming, exciting, terrifying, lonely, and beautiful experience. Let’s acknowledge and embrace that complexity. If you’ve just had a baby and you’re not having the time of your life, just know you’re not alone and it gets better. And if you’re reading this and want someone to talk to, I’m here if you need me.