“Black Women are Amazing” — the compliment that offends you
By: Ishola Show
Tags: Personal Development, Inspiration, BlackLivesMatter, Self Improvement, Black Women

Artwork by Jade Yasmeen

In this new world of political correctness that we now live, where every statement spoken falls on subjective ears (burdened by a lifetime of personal baggage) it is almost impossible to say anything that doesn’t offend someone (likely offending many, if your mouth is anything like mine). With the Semantics Police and Woke Thinkers of America waiting around every corner, searching for an/ any ideal or statement to contest, every opinion vocalized today is met with opposition. Opposition from those who feel attacked by the statement and those too insecure to realize that it was never an attack in the first place: from philosophists (google it — it's rude) who find the sound of their own voices so intoxicating that they feel it would be wrong of them not to share their self-righteous quibbles with the uninterested masses, to the bargain-basement “superheroes”(whom you neither asked for nor needed) that believe they are saving a group of people by being offended on their behalf — in their minds, protecting the world and defending the helpless (one unthought-out retort at a time).

Today, in a world filled with much darkness and sadness, along with the sanctimonious expectations placed over our lives (by a world that doesn’t even really know us), uplifting one another, especially in the darkest of hours, is beyond necessary, it’s vital. Highlighting the greatest parts of ourselves, that are made the hardest to see the darker the night, presents renewed clarity and breeds balance in our perspective and understanding. As products of our experiences and choices, there are times where our focus is so stuck on a present failure or discomfort that it overshadows the overall truths of our lives, a collection of the good and the bad; the proportions, weighed by the perspective of whom you ask. Without highlighting the alternative truths of a situation, we risk succumbing to jaded views of the world and ourselves. But there is one distinction that must be made —although, the truths of the world we live in affect who we are and the way we live, regardless of our input, whether or not the truths of each person in this world can affect who we are and the way we live, depends exclusively on us and what we allow to move us.

With all the dark events of this year — from the Coronavirus pandemic and all the tragic losses as a result, to the protests and outcries for change and all the tragic losses as a result (including those that stood as a catalyst for uproar and those lost in the fight for revolution), highlighting truths is more important now than ever, to battle the darkest of events that are plaguing OUR world.

The most disrespected person in America is the Black woman.

The most unprotected person in America is the Black woman.

The most neglected person in America is the Black woman.

-Malcolm X

Although some may choose to argue as to whether or not this is a true statement, listing any and every negative happening faced by other groups of people in this country (as if they are trying to win some strange tragedy-competition where the winner gets the right to grieve the loudest), this statement has been observed, supported, and proven (beyond a reasonable doubt) for centuries and continues to do so today.

Artwork by Ray Styles

And before the aforementioned semantics police turn on their sirens, obviously, things are not the same as they were when that quote was first uttered almost 60 years ago but the fact remains — it is STILL a problem. Progress is wonderful and necessary to achieve real change and resolution but it is not that — resolution. So although things may have gotten “better”, that quote remains true and the problem is obviously not resolved. So if you are one of those people more focused on not feeling wrong or part of the problem, rather disassociating yourself from the issue (trivializing it as you attempt to run from its presence), comfortable with pRoGrEsS (that of which you had no hand in), focused on the semantics of a statement rather than the rectification of the issue, and are self-righteous enough to negate someone else’s plight because “you’ve had bad days too” or “everyone has been through something” — I recommend you leave now before this conversation really gets spicy.

However, I really hope you don’t because I have some choice words just for you. But I know people don’t like being disrespected so I felt I should at least give you the chance to run now.

As humans, we often read with minds that consciously and subconsciously question the hands who wrote the words — in theory, to understand but more often to decide our opinions of the words based on the source from which it originated (limiting the potential impact of the words themselves).

A statement on its own, without a face to associate it with, is processed against the truths we already believe and then sifted through our insecurities, predispositions, and personal baggage, causing various reactions to the single statement, greatly depending on the personal experiences of those listening —causing conflicting reactions if it seemingly challenges our comfort zones.

With that being the case, our responses to statements written, whether broad or pointed, tend to show more about ourselves and the posture of our minds and hearts, rather than its writer. Any statement can be looked at objectively, taken without offense, as you understand that you are not the singular person it was meant to address, attempting to understand potential truths within it and holding it in front of yourself like a mirror used to see yourself better. Although that look at yourself may result in questions/disagreement, that does not need to be without understanding where the idea comes from (alternate perspectives). This hope of growing in understanding by processing statements and ideas that we hear is only achievable by those unconcerned with being right or wrong, those more focused on learning and growth, lacking hubris, and comfortable with themselves.

The minds and ears that read or hear a statement and are immediately moved to conflict, taking an unjustified stance against it or responding solely with anger (as if it were an act of war to hold a thought contrary to theirs), taking no time to attempt to process the statement for what it could be, are the minds and ears that carry more baggage and discomfort than they likely even know. Discomfort so heavy in oneself that even a statement of praise for another can sounds as if it were an insult and negative comparison to you — someone unsure of themselves.

Black women are amazing.

When you read that, what did you think?

Did you agree? Saying “They are.”?

Or did you think “so are _____ women” or “All women are amazing”?

Did it sound like a simple statement of praise, celebrating a specific group?

Or did it sound like a slight to other groups, lifting them above all others?

Did you think about all the reasons they deserve to be celebrated?

Or did you think of reasons why they don’t? Reasons why others deserve that acknowledgment more…

[Don’t worry, this isn’t a trick question. Nor is it a one right answer question. Well technically there is but that's not exactly what I'm focusing on here. So really take a second to think which of these responses were yours — I have to make sure I am addressing the right people here. ]

If you looked at that three-word statement of praise and felt any conflicting feelings, that does not invalidate the statement, it actually speaks to conflict within yourself — from unresolved feelings to personal insecurities and discomforts. When you are happy with who you are and what you have, you feel no inclination to take from others. To look at the good in another and see a quality in them that you are unsure of in yourself, or to hear the celebration of someone and feel discontent is almost the exact definition of envy. Envy is something that can only exist in a person unhappy/uncomfortable with parts of themselves, feeling that pain as they long for what someone else has or are upset with what they themselves do or do not have — even as simple as celebration and reassurance (something that we need the most when we are most insecure). Whether an envious heart or an insecure and uncomfortable mind, the conflict found with the statements lies much more within the person rather than the conversation.

[Rest easy, I am well aware that anyone who fits in this category is likely quite stubborn — likely even thought to be an asshole — will probably not be moved to a life/perspective-changing epiphany, so simply. Luckily, I too, am an asshole; although more steadfast than stubborn, I believe it will be just enough to stump their failed-thinking, angering them to the point of frustration and confusion, realizing there is so much more to life and situations, that contemplating new perspectives and truths will be the only thing that can ease their frustration. This is going to be fun… grab your popcorn now.]

What does it mean to be “amazing”? According to our good friends Webster and Merriam, when something or someone is said to be amazing they are said to be a great wonder, astonishing — startlingly impressive. With a great wonder being something achieved against great odds, something triumphant, what does it mean when we call black women amazing? Saying Black women are amazing speaks to a belief that there is something astonishing and startlingly impressive about being a black woman, that there are great odds that stand against black women, that there is triumph found in living as a black woman. If you hear that and automatically agree, great! If not, just wait, you just haven’t seen the full picture yet.

Artwork by Adrian McDonald

As the most disrespected, unprotected, neglected person in America, Black women aren’t positioned to run the same race as their counterparts, facing odds greater than anyone other than another black woman could fully understand. Even still, they manage to live and thrive, in spite of the circumstances than stand to oppose them. Greats heights are achieved by triumph — overcoming great feats to reach the top. Understanding that they started much further behind makes their successes (that of which may possibly be seen as merely equal to that of others or “commonplace”, depending on who you ask)actually quite astonishing.

If you are among those that look at the triumphs of others as commonplace and pedestrian because you could do the same feat, you have done it before, or it “isn't that hard for you”, you are now my favorite student for today's lesson — a title usually given to the child that needs the lesson the most, rather than the one that learns the easiest. You believe yourself so advanced and superior, looking at your personal achievements when more than likely you have just had a very different path to that point. It’s like winning a 200m race that you started from the 100m line. Sure you still get to stand on top of the podium but much of the focus will surely be stolen by the runner in lane eight, starting back from 210m, that you managed to beat by just the tail end of the silver spoon that you display proudly from your mouth, held together by a smile, proud of the win that you have been made to believe since birth you had a right to. That feeling of superiority and arrogance comes from living a life, unencumbered by the obstacles faced by those they looked down upon from their position on that podium. Having the audacity to persevere and triumph while taking tests, administered by the world, that were not given to others, is far from commonplace. Pushing onward with the weight of the world, weighing you down is “startlingly impressive”.

The singling out and celebrating of Black women is something that is understood up close. It’s something that you watch, something that you’ve experienced, something that has memories — memories so real that they have a smell, a sound, a feel. Who they are, what they do, and what you've seen them do is something that to not speak about and celebrate would almost be disrespectful in itself. I can understand how it might be hard to understand without a front-row seat but for me, the son of a black woman, the brother of black women, the grandson of a black woman, my life is essentially just supporting scenes to the movie that is “Black Women are Amazing”. To watch obstacle after obstacle, transgression after transgression, and offense after offense not just in the way but that attack the path potential and purpose of these women, yet with a smile, they can calm the heart of any child, persevere, thrive even, understanding that if they don’t do it no one else will. To start a race not only in lane eight but at a deficit of the entire race plus one and still run with a veracity that is beyond the capability of that lane and not only catch up to competitors, but to place — performing in a way that very few in that place could ever compare.

Artowrk by Shabazz Born

It makes sense why some think them to be crazy; to look at odds so drastically stacked against you and I knowingly still choose to play in the game but have the audacity to win something that very few same people would ever be caught doing.

Raised from birth with the world doing all it can to make them question themselves and their potential— one where children are fed propaganda through cartoon-based allegories (commonly known as Disney movies) that taught us to hate “dark” and celebrate the “white knights” — our saviors. Not seeing any representation of themselves, often leaving them questioning their place in this world. Watching physical features, different than their own, celebrated, sought after, and revered. Not only seeing very little representation of Black people in positive roles in their childhoods but more seldom seeing Black women representation. Made to believe that they have to live within the parameters of beauty, intelligence, and self that were set by people uncomfortable by their power. Making it as hard to love themself, their true self, as possible. “The most disrespected person in America” — they thrive.

My mother is a Black woman but honestly to describe her (or any other) as if it were that simple would be disrespectful. Due to circumstance, within my 27 years alive, a Black woman was just the beginning of a long resume. A seamstress, a handy [wo]man, a mechanic, a tutor, a chauffeur, a chef, a bodyguard (all 5 feet and 2 inches of her), and anything else she needed to be — all while teaching impressionable children of the world, without leaving us jaded as a result of the weight the world placed upon her back — all while somehow managing to set and achieve goals she set for herself. If that is not “startlingly impressive”, I don’t know what is. The strength to overcome great odds to achieve is far from commonplace. A strength that warrants noting; yet, the noting of the strength that black women exude as a result of the life that they have lived has become more of a fact by necessity rather than the compliment it is usually meant to be.

[To be honest, this “black women are so strong” shit isn’t even really a compliment at this point, it’s its own problem. Some think it to be the celebration of perseverance and grit but it is more so a callus and dated statement thrown around as meaningfully as a passing “how are you doing?” from that coworker who doesn’t give a shit that you even made it to work alive. It does more harm than good. It is like saying “boys will be boys” to validate the inappropriate actions (of MEN) because of the outdated ideals of our grandparent’s generation — ideals that imply that a group of people may be more prone to behavior or are less equipped to handle a situation based on who they are. IT’S BULLSHIT. There was once a time where black people were mythed to not feel as much pain as white people to allow slave owners and racists to feel less remorse for the pain caused to another human being. Saying “black women as so strong” conflicts with their right to feel, belittling their plight and pain, and is a cop-out, making it seem as if they are more capable than other to deal with the pains the world gives them (deserving less care and empathy) — expecting them to be able to do things THAT THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE TO because they are strong enough to have made it this far. It is not doing what we think it does, a large amount of the time it’s uttered. Black women are SO strong — but they should not have to be. Cut that shit out! It’s upsetting EVERYONE AND THEIR HOMEGIRLS!]

Artwork by Adrian McDonald

I’m sure that many of those who are itching for a hole in my argument to try and use to contest any and likely everything I've said so far might think they have a point to make now. Don't worry, I already have an answer for your useless, semantical question: “How can you say it’s a compliment and then try and say it is a fact? Compliments are opinions, not facts.”

There are two types of questions that one asks within a debate, disagreement, or differing-of-opinions: a clerical question, one asked with the main purpose of gaining more information to fill voids in understanding, and a facetious/condescending question, meant to poke holes in your stance from someone believing themselves to have a superior understanding. One comes from a person who would like to grow in understanding and isn’t focused on not being wrong and the other from someone focused on being right, likely prideful and insecure.

Okay, before I continue, I need you to know a few things about me. First, I tend to openly disrespect others verbally (usually playfully). But when faced with the special brand of people whose goal in life is to never be wrong and stay in their comfort zone, who try to make others seem or feel small to make themselves feel big, I am openly disrespectful, with glee and malicious intent. An additional fact about me — I am one of the most frustrating people to ever argue with. I deal only in facts (as I know it is hard to context facts), listen to everything that you say, virtually memorize it, and graft a response to every single idea said, based on the facts of the matter, while filling in any and every hole you leave with questions and more facts (assuming I don’t agree after listening to your stance). Honestly, I personally hate the idea of arguing with me — it sounds aggravating, especially if you’re stubborn, close-minded, or prideful. Implicit fact about me — I LOVE frustrating the self-righteous and close-minded. So in hopes to ruin the day of anyone reading this, forming an argument in their minds with each brushstroke I add to this painting, I am going to make this is as clear, based in fact, and hopefully as discomfortingly convicting as possible.

THESE STATEMENTS ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. Saying Black Lives Matter does not mean other lives now can not matter; just as Black Women are Amazing doesn’t mean that no other women are amazing in this world. The celebration or singling out of a specific group points out the specific journey that they’ve gone through to get to the point that they are not comparing them to other groups as being superior just unique in their own design, with reason to be celebrated or focused on. Finding holes in, getting upset, becoming discomforted by the celebration of others shows the insecurities, personal baggage, and need for validation that you have. A need for the approval of others to validate who you are and feel better about yourself. If sticks and stone may break your bones but words said to you could never hurt you holds any truth — referencing the hurtful things people may say to you — how much more can uplifting words, as soft as pillows, thrown at others, nowhere near you, stand to hurt you?

When you hear hooves, think horses not zebras …but either way it’s stampede.

Misreading or properly ascertaining a situation does not change the outcome. Hearing protect Black women isn’t a shot saying you aren't doing what you should, it is a call to arms that everyone needs to answer because things have to change. Hearing “Black Lives Matter” is not an attack on the remaining lives, it's a truth that stands alone. And hearing Black women are amazing isn’t a comparison to anyone else. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. By herself, as she is, thru all she’s had to go through, in the cement that grew a rose, perfectly crafted and painted in a color so infallible that it cannot be questioned, duplicated, or quantified, although imperfect by tHe WoRlDs StAnDaRdS, she is perfectly …her — the only thing she was ever meant to be. A wonderful piece of art, painted with feats she has spent her life conquering, against odds that most may never know. That is a triumph, a great wonder — astonishing, startlingly impressive. Being a black woman is not easy, so celebrating them is the least they deserve. Black women are “amazing”, for lack of a better term — we just don’t want to overwhelm you by making you say all of that every time.

Other human beings all over the world are indeed “amazing” also, BUT THIS IS NOT YOUR MOMENT. Celebrating someone else isn’t acknowledging yourself to be inferior, it is actually showing a comfort within yourself, a lack of insecurity in who you are, pride rather than hubris, and the understanding that goodness, positivity, accomplishment, and elevation are not finite resources — another’s greatness can’t steal from yours, only you can do that.