Stop emasculating others to feed your own masculinity.
By: Damian Lazarevski
Tags: Men, Health, Mindfulness, Masculinity, Relationships

I don’t know who these people are.

I’ll keep this nice and brief. In my experience of being a straight man it has become evident to me that far too many men have built their masculinity through the emasculation of other men… this is terrible. The fact that you would have to deprive another man of their own identity and self in order to further solidify your own is highly indicative of your own insecurities. Keep in mind that a majority of this article is anecdotal.

My experience of being emasculated.

The most immature and disrespectful comment used by men to emasculate others is “gay”. It should be noted that the usage of the word “gay” in the way these guys would use it is definitely not okay. It is disrespectful to the LGBTQIA+ community, the usage of the word as a slur is a targeted attack to the people that identify with it. I have had experiences where other guys would use the word to “joke” with me for doing something that isn’t “manly” such as tying my hair up. Although I had laughed and brushed it off, it was very clearly not used as a joke but rather a way to personally threaten my masculinity.

I had spent some time afterwards contemplating the exact motive for this unprovoked comment, it felt as though it was more than the “joke” he had attempted to pass it as.There was no laugh or “I’m just kidding” at the end of what was said. After consideration it became clear to me that this had been a precise unilateral attack on my own masculinity serving no other purpose than to artificially inflate the masculinity of the man executing the attack. I have no doubt in my mind that the guy himself did not think more than twice about the comment and what purpose it served for him, but I would guarantee that he walked away feeling “manly”. This is an illusion. The scaffolding that this newfound manliness is built upon is fragile. It would take one windy day for it to all collapse onto itself.

It is so crucial for men to seek healthy and sustainable methods of building their own masculinity. Further I’d like to make a point that I’d hope most men reading this have a grasp on. Masculinity does not exclusively pertain to the idea of being “alpha” and dominant, in fact healthy masculinity is antithetical to this line of thinking.

It’s importance.

Most men find themselves growing and aging without extensive investigation into what masculinity is for them and the way in which it proliferates throughout their daily lives. This oversight is what leads to a large portion of men being damaged and insecure with almost every aspect of their lives.

For instance, a man in the workplace may feel threatened in their masculinity when their male boss instructs them to do tasks. Another example could be a close male friend telling his friend about his achievements and the man feeling threatened in his masculinity as a result of not having these same achievements. It is easy for a man to be in these situations and substitute the insecurity in their masculinity with other emotions such as, frustration and jealousy, but at their core the issue lies with their fragile masculinity and should be treated as such.

In both of the examples I had mentioned it should too be noted that the men are not necessarily emasculating the other men, the example I had mentioned earlier from my own experience would be an instance in which another man had enacted emasculation in an attempt to build their own masculinity.

Building sustainable masculinity.

Now that we have identified the issue with being unfamiliar with your own masculinity, I want to explain a few ways in which you can have a sustainable and healthy approach to building your masculinity and form a deeper understanding with it.

Whilst writing this article I still find myself in situations where I am emasculating other men, and it’s important to note that this way of thinking is so ingrained in a lot of men, including myself. It is a gradual process to get to a stage where your consideration for other men’s masculinity could benefit theirs and your own, and for it to be almost instinctual. If you read this article and take it upon yourself to instill this change you should be so proud of yourself and the service you are doing to the men around you. I want to thank you personally because men should not denigrate each other’s masculinity as it benefits no one.

The most important way that any man can build on their own masculinity and the masculinity of other men in their lives is simply by talking about these things. I cannot express how important it is to have conversations that could potentially be threatening to your existing masculinity, it is so frightening and difficult to do this but the only way to build a strong sense of masculinity is by breaking down your old one.

Reach out to other men or any other people, and just discuss your feelings, the way that you like to express yourself, the strife you have and are experiencing. These are all so important to talk about and it saddens me greatly to know men that don’t discuss these things because it threatens their existing masculinity. The worst that can happen is that the person you are talking to doesn’t want to listen, and you move on. I promise that the amount you can potentially gain over how much can be lost, is not even on the same scale.

A helpful tool to analyze whether or not you are engaging in emasculation is to pause yourself in real-time during conversations to analyze your rhetoric. This grants you the ability to gauge how impactful your words could be and whether or not you should be using them. Next time you are in a conversation with another man don’t just speculate, utilize this tool to really grasp how you are interacting and have careful consideration for how your actions could affect others. It’s easy for a conversation in a group setting to flow without ever giving a second thought, and as fun and natural this can be extremely damaging. Use this tool as a preventative measure to ensure the protection of the masculinity of yours and the people around you.

Breaking the existing fragile masculinity that you harbor is key in achieving a sustainable one. Allowing yourself to be put in situations where your own masculinity is vulnerable allows for important rhetoric to take place. It is crucial that the old maladaptive systems that your masculinity operates under are torn down to provide home to a new progressive and sustainable framework.

Closing thoughts.

Please, if you are going to take away one thing from this article… do things such as talking to others about personal issues, and any other activities that might threaten your masculinity, because the only way for you to be able to build sustainable and healthy masculinity is through threatening your old one (in a nice way).