Not All Men, But Especially Not Me
By: Bryony Marge
Tags: Sexual Harassment, Feminism, Allyship, Sexism

Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

The other day while I was talking to a group of friends about my experiences with sexism and sexual harassment, I had a unique interaction with one of the men in the group. After saying I wished that more men would pay attention to the subtle acts of misogyny around them so they could speak out against them, I was asked if I would speak out against misandry the way I was asking for men to speak out against misogyny.

I had never been asked that before and, after giving it some thought, my answer was no

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a people pleasing pacifist and I want everyone to be treated well. I’ll speak up for anyone receiving unjust criticism or any form of abuse because we all deserve respect, because in the end, we are all equal.

The reason I said I would not speak out against misandry specifically is because women are asked to deal with a lot in every area of their life. And they are given relatively little power to do so.

During the last several years, there’s been a shift in how the general public addresses women, which started with the Me Too movement. While it began inspiringly enough as a way to direct attention to the problems with sexual harassment and assault that women face daily, especially in the workplace, it led to … not much.

The problems women face didn’t go away or change in any significant way. Instead, women now have to endure sexual harassment in the workplace, along with listening to men complain about how they can’t even talk to women anymore without getting in trouble, as well as reassuring them that not all men are bad.

And it’s true, not all men are bad. But good men often let bad men get away with being bad. Which is bad.

Reports have found that 81% of women have experienced sexual harassment in their lifetime. Women are already at a disadvantage in a number of different ways, being underrepresented in global government, in courtrooms, and on executive boards, while making up just under half the workforce in the United States. Women spend roughly twice as much time as men doing unpaid household work, taking time away from personal growth, socializing, and other hobbies. Most women have already grown up with the idea that they must advocate for themselves in order to be treated with equal respect, whether on a subconscious level or not, and to ask them to also defend and reassure men is asking for too much.

So I won’t call out misandry as such, because men are in such a position of power that they don’t need my defense. However, I desperately need men to stand up for me as a woman.

I don’t need men having conversations with me in private about how they support me. I need men supporting my ideas and opinions in public conversations.

I don’t need men telling me how sorry they are that I’ve experienced harassment. I need men telling other men to stop harassing me.

I don’t want men sliding in my DMs with messages of equality that are thinly veiled as requests for reassurance that they’re one of the good ones. I want men to acknowledge that women are at a disadvantage and ask what they can do to help.

What can men do to help, you may ask? They can help by being aware. By being open to the experiences of the women and other marginalized people around them, listening to examples of harassment, and paying attention so that they can recognize those instances moving forward and speak up.

We need equality and we need good men speaking for equality to the men who may not see that need. As a woman I can raise my voice to speak up for myself, but I need men to help my voice be carried.