I Dare you to get Worse
By: Fatimah Binta Gimsay
Tags: Personal Essay, Self Reflection, 2020, Depression, Reflection

I Dare you to get Worse

It’s supposedly felt like 31 years wrapped in one, right? I think so. I know my sense of time has become more messed up than before. I’m seriously not in touch with time and I have to set a reminder for almost every task and activity.

If this was a physical conversation, we’d be holding hands and repeatedly pressing into our palms, a gesture to prove we’re checking in with the other person and deeply concerned about their wellbeing.

So, if your eyes manage to land on this piece of rambling, I am hoping you are doing well and can truly exhale without tears running down your face. That’s a win. It’s also okay if you exhale and release tears at the same time, your body is letting it all out and that’s another win.

From probably the most mentally scattered person you know (if you follow me on twitter you know that I openly experience several pockets of mental breakdowns every 3–5 working days) to you, I am calmly squeezing your tense shoulders and telling you let out a breath, unclench your jaw and wiggle your toes. You’re here. You’re present. You’re a vessel of life and joy to yourself and others.

Okay, we did the love and light bit, let’s move on.

Another round of 12 months, 52 weeks, 366 years — well not yet, and we’re wondering what the hell is happening. To be fair, we’ve been wondering what the hell is happening in this thing called life but I guess nothing has amplified our raw emotions and feelings like a pandemic (and several many chaotic events simultaneously happening).

The whole year felt like a series of “I dare you to get worse” and as painful it was for some people, it was also fantastically amusing for a lot of others. On my part, I started the year with residual grief and untouched emotions. The first day of the year was literally spent crying alone in a toilet and mourning the loss of a friend, exactly a month after their passing. I had no expectations.

Of course, I had plans but I just didn’t want to do anything. I deeply wished I had enough money to take the year off but please laugh with me at that thought. I had no idea that I was stepping into my most financially unstable year since I started professional work. So yes, laugh with me at the idea of taking the year off. Who the hell do I think I am, right? I won’t dismiss my emotions and grief, and I still desperately need that time off.

I recently discovered I process emotions quite differently. No, I didn’t just discover that — I just got it validated. It’s not a terrible thing but it can be bad when I don’t extend a sensible level of patience to those around me.

So you can imagine my frustration when I seemingly made peace with the pandemic and everyone around me was falling apart. I had little cousins crying and wondering if the world was ending. Again, seemingly made peace. In my head, I made peace. Oh boy.

The problem with being trapped alone with your thoughts, demons, fears and whatever everyone might have been dealing with is you have to seek distractions and safer spaces. My generation (cringe) largely finds peace on social media — she says this calmly like that’s not her public journal (I wonder how many people have me muted, *shrug*). The problem with burying your nose into your screen during a pandemic is realising so much more is happening in the world around you.

The news you wouldn’t have cared for some months back is suddenly amplified and operation WHY IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT THIS starts and every other person that doesn’t seemingly care about this cause is evil and lacking emotions. News agencies have the most fun by creating thrilling headlines and constantly baiting people emotionally fragile people and worsening their panic. More headlines were read than the actual news content, obviously.

Sitting back now and wondering why this year made me feel emotionally lousy, I realise I failed to process my grief and emotions in the beginning of the year. I just didn’t give it the time it needed because it was distracting myself with one piece of content or news that sincerely didn’t concern me. Everything started feeling like an attack and that mild trauma opened a bigger unhealed wound from actual trauma.

Yes kids, if you don’t treat that small scratch on your thumb, it can end up infecting your whole hand. Science!

I cringe when I see certain things I have shared with people in supposed moments of vulnerability and it just looked concerning because it was less of being vulnerable and more of needing an actual hand of help. The moment of getting hit by the cringe wrecking ball was an outing with friends and they jokingly spoke about my “constant spiral” on social media and it was chalked into a “oh she’s constantly crazy and talking shit”.

No, you don’t want to know what I thought about them at that moment so let’s focus on me.

I know I’ve previously spoken about publicly bleeding but now I just see it as you bleed in public and end up having to awkwardly stand there with everyone making their way around you. Like ma’am you can’t take up all the space in the community square, we heard you at the first scream, move along and let someone else take the stage. I won’t hate myself for acting like that. Do I randomly want to flog myself? Of course but no hate there.

That’s not the point. I can’t take it back. I had just to be brave and it takes a lot of bravery to accept that this brand of unhealed trauma is a cocktail of heavy expectations, FOMO, validation and a sprinkle of entitlement.

So with the world setting itself on many fires, I was thinking of ways to quench mine and I’m still on that journey. It’s such a lonely and painful journey. That’s largely life anyway, lonely and sometimes painful. It’s not personal (unless they’re doing you from the village then that’s deeply personal). It’s just how this experience on earth was designed to be and I still don’t know if it was intentional.

This year was supposedly meant to teach us how to value community more and alladat but I’ve never felt more dangerously and emotionally alone. It was a year to connect with more people et al, but it didn’t seem that way because I felt so much more disconnected than usual. The whole year felt like a scene from an American movie where all the cliques are sitting together during lunch and I was just standing there with my own tray, trying not to sit down next to the rude lunch lady or worse, trash can.

On the bright side, the year had a good number of positives. I made two short films. I didn’t even plan to make anything. Again, I really wanted to take the year off to just cry and stare at the sky. I did cry though, a lot. I tried to stare at the sky but yeah I’m lazy and fell in love with staying indoors even more than usual. I really did a lot of things this year.

A lot of them were desperate attempts to just do something and keep my brain stimulated. Every week I had a new idea and I sadly dumped on people who’d rather spend their time doing better things. At some point I paused and realised I have been desperate for new ideas since I was 14 and I went down a rabbit hole of so many things I have started and killed. I am not saying this is unique to me and I don’t even know I feel I have to clarify that.

Anyway, I have also decided to stop that too. I feel the deep need to stop a lot of things. Maybe I am burnt out. Maybe I am deeply internally fatigued. Maybe I have used up all my motivations and imagination. At the last conversation of “I have an idea!” I could smell the “Here we go again,” from the other person and it smelled stronger than Amla oil.

Of course, I cannot think about taking another year off. Did I mention that this has been my most financially unstable year? Because I feel the strong need to have that in bold. I spent the money I don’t have on a lot of these ideas that nobody asked for or needed.

It was a side effect of an unhealed thing spiralling and doing anything. The strong need to prove my worth and get creative validation by just doing so many things at once and wondering why they don’t exactly matter. I have no regrets and I learned so much more about myself and other people. I’m still going to stop though. I can appreciate the lessons and skills gained, and still want nothing to do with them for a while.

I’m proud of myself and I truly appreciate myself more than ever. I let myself be as human as ever this year and yes, it might have been so uncomfortable, but I’m glad it happened. At least for my mental health growth and progression.

After everything, I don’t know what’s next. I’m not excited or afraid, just not tired.

There’s a lot of unresolved conflict in the world to believe things would suddenly get better in a new year. I’m not sure if it’s faith or just how I am but tragedies and loss aren’t going to slow down or stop anytime soon.

A lot of our idols are growing old and it can be uncomfortable to witness multiple losses at the same time but being closer to people more than ever would make it hurt even more. Plus, average people already die every second and it’s not going to stop. It will only feel more and more personal because the next person on social media knows this person or internalises the pain, which is completely understandable.

Leaders of many countries are not going to suddenly change and a lot of us are at the ripe age of awakening so we’re either going to face more disappointments or have random streaks of luck in our various countries and cities. This year has highlighted that people employed to serve are capable of serving and some simply choose not to do their jobs, so we don’t know what that means for a lot of countries.

There’s a lot of tiredness replacing hope and excitement I once had for my career path but I am really grateful for what I get to do as a job. I don’t know if I’ll be doing it for a long time (I hope I do). I hope in time I like what it does for me.

I like the person I truly am, it is hard but I really don’t want to exist in another way. I wouldn’t even know how to.

The year has been one of gratitude and patience. A lot of patience in accepting and healing. A lot of gratitude that helps with staying grounded and humanising the entire experience.

I have come to the part where I don’t know how to end this. This writing and this year. I’ll let it do its thing and just end.

Anywhere the wind blows, doesn’t really matter to me.