Hiring a Teenager to be an Aide for my Teen with Special Needs was the Best Decision
By: Amy Daniels
Tags: Teens, Special Needs Parenting, Special Needs, Parenting, Caregiving

Hiring a Teenager to be an Aide for my Teen with Special Needs was the Best Decision Amy Daniels Follow Oct 28, 2020 · 4 min read

It turns out my daughter needed a friend, not an “aide”.

Emily’s BFF doing her hair and makeup for a dance.

Hiring an aide for my daughter was a tough thing for me to wrap my brain around. You’d think it would be an easy decision. My daughter, Emily, had both a cognitive and physical disability. Taking care of her took up most of my time. But she’s my daughter, my responsibility, and besides, I knew how to do everything just right. However, in order to receive some county services that Emily needed, we had to hire an aide.

I went through roughly a dozen aides in five years. I kept picking the wrong ones and expecting the wrongs things.

I thought I needed to hire someone to handle “tasks.” Things like giving Emily a shower, doling out pills, and preparing her meals. Maybe she would conduct the physical therapy exercises my daughter needed to be doing at home every day. But those were all things I handled in a very precise manner and the thought of someone else doing those things sent shivers down my Type A spine. Plus, Emily was never quite comfortable having someone else do those things with her.

When Emily was 18 years old, desperately needing yet another new aide, I interviewed a girl who was three months younger than my daughter.

During the interview, I explained that Emily loved arts and crafts and playing the Wii. “Awesome! I love art!!” was what my interviewee squealed. I explained that Emily had some cognitive delays and memory problems but had a sense of humor that won’t quit. A shrug of the shoulders and then a smirk from our perspective aide. “She only has use of one hand, will need your hand to hold onto if you go for a walk, and sometimes has seizures.” This young girl just looked me in the eyes and sincerely said, “It’s okay, I’ll help her.”

I ended up hiring her because, frankly, she seemed nice and the looming deadline to hire an aide was fast approaching. I also knew that Emily would love her. I was right. Emily fell in love with her new BFF, as they were quick to call each other.

Our aide treated my daughter like I imagine she treated any of her friends. At first, I didn’t ask our new aide to give Emily a shower or help her in the bathroom because she was so young and new to the job. We kept boundaries on their budding friendship so that it would remain a friendship, thinking in time I would ask her to help with the “tasks.” But then I realized those boundaries should remain. Emily needed a friend like this more than I needed someone to help give her a shower. Each day the aide came over, I heard genuine giggles, from both girls, coming from the other room as I eavesdropped, trying to let go of my control.

Shortly into their friendship, the aide asked Emily if she felt like going to McDonald’s for some French Fries. Emily smiled so wide I thought her cheeks were going to split. She glanced at me and I nodded my approval. The aide took Emily’s hand, helped her into her car, buckled Emily’s seat belt and headed to the local McDonald’s.

I sat in my living room and watched them drive off with a smile on my face that matched my daughter’s. My teenager was doing something most other teenagers do. It’s not often I had that feeling.

Emily finally had a friend come over on a regular basis — like most teens. She had someone to draw pictures with, play video games together, and to talk about her day at school. Emily also asked about her aide’s day, asked about her brothers and sisters, and wondered if she felt “tortured” by math like Emily sometimes felt. They commiserated together. They also could pick on each other and laugh and hug and high five each other.

She was exactly the type of aide my daughter needed…an aide who didn’t refer to herself as an aide or act as an aide, rather, someone who acted and referred to herself as Emily’s friend.

Within a few months, I realized I felt fine leaving the girls at home while I went to the grocery store. A week after that, I found myself asking the aide to come over so that my husband and I could go out on a date. Pretty soon, I started scheduling my outings, work meetings, and one-on-one time with my other child for when the aide was going to be at home with Emily.

For the first time in decades, I felt freedom. This aide was giving me a life I so desperately needed while she was busy giving my daughter a life she so desperately needed.

Maybe someday down the road I would hire an aide to help Emily with her showers and help her with her physical therapy exercises, I thought. But at that moment, we were all happily enjoying my daughter’s new friendship.