Divorced at 23 — Overcoming the Feeling of “Being a Failure”
By: Ivonne Salas
Tags: Overcome, Failure, Divorce, Love, Single Moms

My son and I

As I am now starting my early thirties, I can honestly say that my divorce at 23 was one of the biggest blessings in my life. Of course, that is with years of personal growth, self-love, some therapy, and coming to understand that things happen for me, not to me. But at 23, with a toddler, no job, and feeling like I was being kicked out of my own home, I felt like a complete failure.

What had I done wrong? I did everything the “right way.” I married my boyfriend that I met on the night of my quinceanera, our families got along, our friends loved us, we checked all the boxes for the happily ever after.

We planned everything down to the last detail. We got married by a good friend when I was 20, and he was 23, so we could “live together” and then planned our large church wedding for the following year. Nine months after our elaborate wedding, we welcomed our son, and it just felt like things were falling perfectly into place for us. How could we be getting divorced after only three years of being married?

But looking back, that’s just what it looked like on the outside. I wanted the “dream” so much that I didn’t allow myself to see all the red flags that flashed before my eyes. We were so co-dependent, that we never really were able to become our own “adults.” I have this thing that I do, and quite frankly, I still do this to this day. I want perfection.

A couple of weeks before our wedding I hadn’t heard from ( we will name him George) George. I was worried sick because I hadn’t spoken to him for hours … remember when I said “co-dependant”, so I called up my girlfriend, and explained the situation, and she went out in the dead of night and drove around looking for him. That’s when I noticed a charge on our account …. at a bar in a city around 50 minutes away from us… My friend pulled him out of the bar, as he had been “hanging out” with some girls and his cousin…. and yet I still married him. WTF?! ( Wednesday, Thursday, Friday)

Looking back, I think I believed this was just a one-off, but then I remembered … On a different occasion when he was “letting me sleep” due to my son being a premie and me not sleeping much at night, I could hear that constant annoying little sound, you know that sound … the “Facebook Messenger” notification sound. I felt this tightness in my chest, and I looked at his phone even though I should have asked, and sure enough, he was messaging with someone inappropriately. Can we say RED FLAG?

Yet, I stayed. I thought to myself, am I an enabler? Or do I just want the “Happily Ever After” so much that I am willing to keep up this facade of a happy little family?

This story is not just a good guy vs bad guy though. I don’t think I ever truly forgave him for the things he did, and because of that, I never truly loved him the way one should love their husband. My son became my world, and all I could do was focus on loving him. (Of course, that’s coming from the wiser, and much more empathetic 30-year-old Ivonne, so take that with a grain of salt) We moved to that said city he had “enjoyed so much” previously, for a great job opportunity for him.

In all sincerity, I think we did try to “fake it until we make it.” I was able to stay at home, while he worked. Being with my son was a true blessing, but then things started to change again between us. But did they really? He worked later and later, and was constantly on his phone…. I was completely consumed with my son and making sure he was happy and healthy was my main and only priority … low and behold, the explosion happened. We had that argument that we all have in relationships, the “ you’re always working” and “I work to provide” argument.

“I want a divorce, I’m not happy.”

That’s what he said to me the next day after our huge argument while we were eating breakfast at a restaurant while my son was enjoying his pancakes. But this time, it was different. I could feel it.

I called my mom, packed my things, left our house, numb. The following weeks, he didn’t ask about how I was doing, or how his son was. He was an unhappy man, in an unhappy marriage with an unhappy wife. I didn’t ask more questions about why he wanted to divorce, because quite honestly, I didn’t want to know. It was pointless. There was always going to be something.

23 changed me. My mid-twenties changed me. Therapy changed me, self loved changed me. My divorce changed me. I am now in such a content place in my life, that sometimes I can’t believe how blessed I am. I can look back, and see that I allowed not wanting to appear like a failure, hindering me from becoming who I am today.

I will never take anything back, but boy do I look, reflect, and see how much I have grown. Without any hesitation I know I am not a failure. I am a work in progress that is always progressing to become a better person. Being divorced at such a young age doesn’t make you a failure, but rather a student at this class, we call life.

Repeat after me, I AM NOT A FAILURE.