Crisis of the Heart: Demi or Neutral Asexual?
By: Michon Neal
Tags: Asexuality, Sex, Past, Aromantic, Demisexuality

Labels can end up being ridiculously divisive, but they can also be ways of letting ourselves and others know which direction we’re going in or coming from. And even though we’re all on diverging paths, many of us can come across the same sorts of objects, spaces, or tasks along our journey.

So this is mine.

I’ve been going back and forth about this for a while. I haven’t managed to sort it out yet. Where do I lie on the asexual spectrum?

Am I demi? Am I ace? Am I simply a sex-neutral asexual?

Does it matter? Why does it matter?

I’m guessing there are other folks out there who might share my experiences or feelings and I think it helps to know they’re not alone and that there’s nothing wrong with them.

I know for a fact I experience arousal. Due to my higher testosterone levels and general curiosity and sensual hunger I actually have a pretty high libido. Like, insatiable. But I’ve mentioned before that all of that hunger is very rarely ever directed at someone. Even someone I’m emotionally connected to. Much of it simply gets channeled into my stories.

Even when I know I’m going to have sex with a person I often find myself feeling like Mark Ashton, who’s more interested in everything leading up to it than the actual act. Mark Ashton is the one character of mine to whom my own sex drive, desire, preferences, and behaviors match.

In a way, I’m more excited thinking about sex than ever actually doing it.

How much of that is my noetisexuality and how much of it is just my kinkiness I can’t be sure. Because the cerebral is the sexual to me; it’s one and the same. A good lover not only gives me bodily orgasms but also gives me brain orgasms. And of course, there are my sadistic and kinky desires (if you don’t know, BDSM is simply one tiny little subset of kink, even though it gets the most recognition).

There are things that absolutely turn me on and get me going. But those things tend to be information, beauty, the way things move, integration, sensations, certain acts, and certain sounds. My sexual desire isn’t so much directional as it is an omnipresent sensual extension of my thoughts and experiences.

In that sense, I’m not turned on by other people, per se. I do find certain people and particular acts visually stimulating and aesthetically pleasing, but I don’t feel any pull towards those people. When I masturbate, I use what I’m familiar with and find beautiful or think of people I know, people from which I have permission to use their image in that way. And it’s great because I can pull from actual memories of deliciously sexy times and it makes me feel that much closer to them.

I know, what kind of weirdo actually masturbates to their own partners…

But for me, I can’t just watch any porn or imagine any celebrity because I won’t feel anything for them. Unless I can connect to what it is, unless I have a personal context with it it doesn’t affect me. Actually, most of it I find visually repulsive. It’s not beautiful bodies doing beautiful things; it’s more like a car crash composed entirely of clowns.

Not even the sexy ones. I mean the ones that haunt your nightmares. Like “It”

If you’re wondering, yes, that’s me in the photo (on the right) with one of my previous loves.

And if the characters or people aren’t lustful or connected to one another or themselves then it’s just empty and devoid of meaning.

Mm, ok, so that’s an important discovery. Yes, for me the sexual has to be meaningful. Not magical, not romantic, not even for a lifetime. It simply has to have some actual purpose other than masturbating using someone else’s body or image.

And my passion, my ecstatic, rapturous, and resonant love is hardly ever sexual in nature. Even when I find a body delightful and beautiful it’s more connected to finding the form and function fascinating rather than “sexy”. Hm, or rather, sexy isn’t something static. Sexy is a living embodiment, not ever something to be acted upon.

I love feeling sexual. I revel in how my body feels and responds along with my mind when I’m excited, when my partner does that thing that drives me crazy. I love how it changes and grows. I love letting Zack out to play. I love seeing their bodies change colors, how they thicken and inflate, how they breathe and dance. I love the fire in their eyes and that hint of fear as they see my beast come out, ready to devour them. It’s incredible.

And all without a drop of sexual attraction in most cases.

Of all my 20ish voluntary partners, pretty much all of them have yet to meet anyone as into it and delightful as me. Maybe that’s because my focus isn’t the sex or the game but the moment. And they have to be present with me.

So…what color am I? Am I grey, or purple, or white?

I think I’m definitely more grey than I previously realized, but I also think demi works just fine. While I don’t have the attraction I do still have the desire and I don’t mind acting on it. It’s just not a necessity. I’m fine with or without it — and most times I’d rather go without it because, as I often complain about, most other people suck at sex, anyway, so I’m not missing anything. To me, friendship is tops.

That said, I’m so grateful that I have found partners who know my body, who connect with me, and who sing with me. That’s pretty awesome.

The brain and body are such marvelous things, and there are still so many unexplored avenues of human capability and experience. This is only my own. I’d never give that up for an illusion of “normal”.

As Willow sang, “I Am Me”.