How To Tell If Your Grandpa Is A War Criminal Or A War Hero
By: Anthony Pellegrino
Tags: Life, Politics, War, Satire, Humor

How To Tell If Your Grandpa Is A War Criminal Or A War Hero

Source: Steshka Willems via Pexels

First, make a T-chart. Label the top-left header “War Hero” and the top-right header “War Criminal.”

Now, think long and hard about all the stories your grandpa has told you about the war, and his mannerisms when he tells them.

Question #1: When you ask your grandpa about the war does he talk a ton, or does he literally say nothing at all and just get all nervous and sweaty?

Criminal or Hero? If he talks a ton then he is able to communicate with others clearly and probably gave great war commands that likely saved many of his comrades. He is considered a War Hero. If he gets all silent and nervous then he did some fucked up shit. He is a War Criminal. Mark your tally for the first question.

Question #2: Does your grandpa wear normal shoes like Skechers? Or does he still wear his stinky smelly combat boots from the war?

Criminal or Hero? If he wears normal shoes then he has been able to distance himself from the war because he didn’t do anything bad. He is a War Hero. If he still wears his old boots, then he is proud of the crimes he committed. When he and his old war buddies get together, they definitely laugh about all the innocent civilians they stomped out with those boots. He is a War Criminal. Mark your tally for the second question.

Question #3: When you’re playing Call of Duty, does your grandpa ignore you while you’re gaming? Or does he get really into it and coach you on how to kill the other players in the most brutal way possible?

Criminal or Hero? If he ignores you then he was probably a nurse or some other role that didn’t involve shooting a gun. He is a War Hero. If he starts asking if you can dismember the other player’s body parts or blow up all the other players on the team with one grenade, then he is an absolute mad man and a War Criminal. Mark your tally for the third question.

Question #4: When you get sushi with your grandpa, do you have normal everyday conversations? Or does he make extremely offensive and racist remarks towards Japan and their people?

Criminal or Hero? If he is able to make normal conversation while eating sushi, then he’s a good guy. He understands that nations fight for their freedom, just like the United States does. He is a War Hero. If he makes racist remarks about Japanese people then he loves the idea of dropping atomic bombs on nations filled with people who were uninvolved with the war. He is a War Criminal. Mark your tally for the fourth question.

Count your tallies. If it happens to be a tie, refer to the tiebreaker question below.

Tiebreaker: Does your grandpa watch the Travel Channel a lot?

Criminal or Hero? If the answer is “no,” then you have nothing to worry about. Your grandpa had plenty of time to explore the great nations where he was stationed. He does not need to watch the silly travel channel, because he’s seen it all in person. He is a War Hero. If the answer is “yes,” it’s because your grandpa has spent so much time burning down villages and torturing innocent people that he had no time to travel, so he has to watch the travel channel to learn more about the world. He is a War Criminal. Mark your tally for the tiebreaker.

Final Result: Whether your grandpa is a War Hero or a War Criminal, he is still your grandpa. These questions just help figure out whether he is a piece of shit or not. If your grandpa is a War Hero, do not forget to thank him for his service. If he is a War Criminal, do not ever let him hold your grandchildren. Ever.