I Dreamed That My Ex Killed Himself With A Knife
Tags: Breakups, Heartbreak, Relationship Advice, Relationships, Suicide

I Dreamed That My Ex Killed Himself With A Knife

A few weeks ago, I had dreamed of something terrible. My dream started out with two girls screaming as they run out of the bathroom.

I was in front of a computer screen watching a tape from the security camera installed in the bathroom.

The camera was pointing at a stall in the bathroom from a bird’s eye view.

How the security camera was there and not be a privacy violation I have no idea but in my dream, it certainly seemed logical.

There was perhaps a manager of the restaurant looking at it besides me. And we rewind the tape to find a man arguing with a woman in an elevator before walking off in the opposite direction. The man then walked into a bathroom and took out a knife. Within seconds he was out like cold. Blood dripped from his stomach. I looked closer at his face and that’s when I noticed who he was.

At the time of the dream, we had been broken up for three months. I was to my knowledge at the time no longer upset about the breakup. I had moved on with my life, built a portfolio, resume, and had started applying to jobs all before I graduated. However, maybe deep inside I was still as concerned for him as I always had been.

We had broken up because of incompatibility but there were other things as well. He hadn’t been a good boyfriend and neither have I been a good girlfriend.

He would disappear for a whole day without informing me that he’s going to someplace without wifi with his whole family during one of their outings, he left me alone in the cold because he’s sometimes late to pick me up even though he lives a mere ten minutes drive away while I had always arrived at the agreed spot ten minutes before. On the other hand, my biggest fault was saying what I shouldn’t have.

I don’t want to say exactly what I told him in case he could recognize me. I know the chance of him coming across this article is rare but I don’t like to take the chances.

Then, I saw his Instagram. He has changed a picture to one of him with a sad face. He was no longer smiling. He looked miserable. I don’t know when he took the picture but there’s a reason he put it on Instagram. It must have reflected his dominant mood at the time. Then, there was also when his friend tagged him in a Facebook post. They talked about how he was drunk on a specific night in which we had just broken up.

He had never drunk in front of me before neither did he smoke in front of me because he knew I didn’t approve.

My ex is the type of man who doesn’t show many emotions. Whatever you said, he would show no vulnerability. He believes showing too many emotions is not something a man should do.

Maybe he was suffering in silence and I didn’t know. Maybe he had taken all the hit in silence and I never knew he was affected.

Right before we broke up he talked about his many attributes which makes him a less than satisfactory boyfriend and that’s when I knew he was listening all those times. It did hurt him and I did not know that. He had always looked like he didn’t care and clearly he did.

The guilt of it gnawed at me so I decided to send him a text to make sure he’s alright.

I thought about how the sorrow may impact his school and since he already had the plan to drop out of school and go back to study something else before we dated I thought he might actually go through with it.

As I suspected he replied that he is alright although it’s easy to lie via text.

The truth is, we never really know what the other person is thinking about in their heads. Just because they may not look like they weren’t hurt doesn’t mean they weren’t.

We were not a good match. We didn’t understand each other. There was a constant need to explain ourselves all the time. I wish I had let him go earlier and perhaps it would have spared both of us some more pain.

I don’t know how much he still thinks about us. We both know each of us did something wrong.

We are both at fault for how it ended but none of us are at fault for its end. It was inevitable like I had suspected.

One day, in the near future. I would like to meet him in person again. Not to get back together necessarily, but to make sure he’s alright in person. To be certain that what I said didn’t have an impact on him. I want him to live a fulfilling happy life with a woman that he would call his wife one day. And I know I would do the same too with a man I would love and cherish, who I would be careful with because now I know words can burn and slice without leaving a physical trace.

Take what I learned and apply it to your life. If a man isn’t treating you like your worth you should just leave him as it is. There is no need to reprimand or slice him with words because it’ll hurt him more than he may let you know.

Do both of yourself a favour and take the courage to leave him as it is. His actions don’t reflect your values and his reaction doesn’t reflect how much your words hurt him.