How are you feeling about 2021?
By: Wistful Writer
Tags: Sarcasm, This Happened To Me, The Bad Influence, Satire, Thoughts

Have you ever wanted to pour anger onto paper? I wish I knew how. I feel like having a good loud cry and punching the living daylights out of someone, but I can’t. I want to puke out all the sadness in me, into words. But even that doesn't seem to be easy.

I am just so furious, so tired, so sick of this. ALL OF IT.

The Pandemic, the new-normal, my marriage, my barely existent sex life, my emotional turmoil, the neverending parched Sahara that is my heart…everything.

It's a fucking shit-show.

Is everyone else feeling it? I don't get how everyone has just been saying, “Oh 2020 you are awful”. Hello…What do you think is gonna happen on January 1st, 2021. Will you wake up to find the pandemic over? Will global warming and the effects of effing climate change auto-reverse itself? Will all the world problems end?

Nope, most probably not.

I am typing vigorously here, trying to vent all my feelings onto this screen. But what exactly am I feeling?

Let's see —

ANGRY

Mind-boggling, boiling rage. At everyone and everything. I feel so furious and I have so much to say to certain people in my life…but every time I start to form the words in my head, the intensity of the feelings scares me. It's like a bomb with a fuse that dies down just before exploding. I am never able to fully express my anger…so it simmers in me. A slow burn…painful, poisonous, and toxic.

ZONED-OUT

My brain feels like mush most days, especially when I read or watch the news. Oh come on, alien monoliths, pandemic, political shitshow, melting glaciers, burning forests, dying people…which reminds me, did the murder hornets leave yet? Does anyone know? Since March, I have felt it. My brain shuts down, refuses to process any more of the bad scary news coming in. Result, brain fog, brain mush, and denial. Zombie-zoned mental state. Eat, sleep, fuck…repeat. Only in my case…there is no fucking.

HORNY

Well, that's no surprise, right? I am almost always that way. Especially with the kind of life I lead, I hardly have human touch around me. My husband doesn't touch me…all, and I no longer want him to. I get laid (if I am fortunate) about once every three weeks. I choose busy lovers, they are better than needy ones. But then this is the side-effect. Also what really sucks is, I had plans today but they got canceled as my lover had a family emergency, so I guess that's it as far as sex goes for me in 2020. Done, dusted, and not fucked enough.

(No am not pissed at my lover, he is a genuine guy and I care about him, just clarifying that here. I know people, you probably feel sorry for me. Oh, trust me I feel fucking sorry for myself and my poor sex-starved hungry body more than any of you can, but no hard feelings for my lover. It's fucking life, it happens.)

RECKLESS

Anyone else feeling it? Sudden spurts of recklessness. Who knows if we will make it to tomorrow? So why not just do it all today? I do feel that way for a bit every single day. Do I act on it? Mostly not. But yes the thoughts are there. A feeling of complete abandon, letting go and running wild. I swear I have had thoughts, of running naked through a field or a beach..telling the world to go fuck themselves. But the visual that popped up in my head wasn't anything like the movies, lol. It was more of me falling flat, tripping over my own fucking feet, face in the sand, ass in the air, a complete disaster… as if I am not already one. It stopped me.

SAD AND EXHAUSTED

I am sad, you all probably already know that. I get angry, I boil over but eventually, all of my feelings conclude into sadness and exhaustion. This entire year and life, in general, has me exhausted. Tired to the fuckin bone. All of this worry and fear drains a person. Add to it the effort of trying to implement some of the numerous self-help advice floating around, ugh…that's even more tiring. And all pretty damn useless.

It all seems pointless to me, the whole loop of life. We go on and on and on and on… hoping to reach some unseen destination. But what about the journey? What if this journey is only giving us pain, heartbreak, infinite anxiety, and stress? How do you even know there is a destination? After all, someone rightly (were they right though?) said, ‘Life is about the journey, not the destination’. Who said this? Google will tell you.

I am too sad right now to go google it.

So as the shit-show that is 2020 ends, what do I hope for? I hope for the rest of my journey to be full of sanity, peace, health, and passion. Don't get me wrong, I count my blessings, trust me I do. Every single day…

But we are humans and this bloody nonstop barrage of stress bombs needs to end. Let me be a responsible person and add in a PSA here — ‘Mask up, sanitize, and stay in, people. This New Normal is here to stay.’

2021 will be a continued shit show…hopefully shorter than 2020.

And now I shall go take care of myself, at least the horny bit….

Cheers!!