The Art Of Setting Boundaries
By: Trisha Malhotra
Tags: Relationships, Beyourself, Storytelling, Boundaries

I diagnosed my lack of boundaries in college upon feeling exhausted from constantly playing therapist to a friend. Not knowing that compassion-fatigue is a common experience in relationships, I felt cruel for wanting to avoid this person. After all, they said they needed me. How could I be their best friend if I put a limit on what they shared with me? I encouraged such thoughts, berated my own trepidation and kept a ‘friendship’ going while simultaneously running myself down.

I never blamed this friend. Their feelings were valid. However, in those moments, it dampened my own ability to be happy and sometimes even helpful. I felt drained and irritable after listening to them go on for hours.

The problem with not being honest about your boundaries is that you grow resentful of yourself and of others. My doubts about our friendship turned into expectations-

“Why won’t they reciprocate the time and attention I give them? Why do they not realize (from my obvious body-language) that I need a break?”

Even if my body-language might’ve been shouting ‘NO’ from a rooftop, I would speak in ‘yes’ and ‘of course’. I would actively make time for this person. I would continue to nod as they kept talking. I would even nudge them to share more!

The fact is that I felt obligated to. I believed these were the conditions upon which our friendship was based. On days I knew I couldn't handle their energy, I went far enough to look for excuses instead of admitting the real reason behind not seeing them.

This went on for months before I could no longer carry this pressure of being friends. Eventually, I stopped spending time with this person completely. I had finally lost my ability to rationalize a relationship that wasn’t healthy. I felt horrible for cutting contact suddenly. However, I was in a much better place.

Looking back, it would’ve been a lot less misleading had I said, “I care about you but I feel run down if we discuss things I believe I’m not equipped to handle, so I’m gonna draw the line. I hope you understand.”

The Progression

Towards the middle of my college term, I found a personality research paper that confirmed my worst suspicions. Politeness as a trait is negatively correlated with one’s wellbeing.

Yes, being polite means you suffer more than those who aren’t. So a ‘too nice’ approach -that aims to elicit friendliness and validation from others by being overly kind and forgiving- pretty much sucks for your mental health. The world just takes advantage of you.

Discovering this felt like the curse of knowledge. I wouldn’t be lying when I admit I felt a little helpless. Soon enough, however, I was rewarded with a desire for renewal. I finally had a reason to let go of my autonomous and unhelpful “yes” reflex; not to survive but to thrive.

I watched YouTube videos on assertiveness-training. I practiced saying no in the mirror. I read about why humans need boundaries. I asked my therapist to help me phrase what a boundary sounds like. I began to set them with people in my life.

At first, it was extremely difficult to hear myself say the phrases “draw the line” or “take a break.” Over time, though, I began to enjoy them. I realized that by saying these words I was respecting my own feelings. I felt more in tune with my body. I felt better about my ability to accomplish tasks. I didn’t have that before and it was addictive.

The Recovery