Political AF
By: M. Wheeler Books
Tags: Life Lessons, Political, Politics, Political Satire, Satire

With all the recent news headlines I’m sure you’re thinking, like I am, man I need more politics in my life. But unlike me, you probably have no idea how to become more political. Today’s your lucky day because, that’s exactly why I wrote this article.

No longer do you have to wade in your ocean of political ignorance. No longer do you have to be a political outsider. No! No my friend, come into the light. After reading this article you are gonna be a flipping Kennedy. Yes, in just 10 simple steps, I’m gonna make you “Political AF.” So here we go:

1.First things first. Pick a side. Doesn’t matter what side. And don’t pick being some pansy ass independent. Democrat or Republican. Any intelligent person knows there is only two ways to see something (your way and the wrong way), so be a grown ass adult and pick something. There is no such thing as right or wrong (until you pick a side that is), you just need something to get fired up about and you can’t be on one side one day and another side the next. That’s not the way politics are done at all. If you’re having a tough time choosing a side because the “issues” just don’t speak to you, well then find the side that consists of people that you least like and would like to yell at the most and then pick the opposite side. Done.

2.Do not have an open mind. This is key. Now that you’ve picked a side, remember you are always right. Most people don’t have a problem with this one but occasionally the rare weak individual, for whatever reason, will find this step difficult. I would offer that practice makes perfect so if you having trouble with step 2, practice getting into unwinnable arguments with family members until you get it down pact (see Figure 1).

3. You will need a thorough, fact based resource for ‘informations’ to base all your opinions on. Just one resource! Do not under any circumstances use multiple sources of information, especially if alternate resources do not support your ideology in every way. Too much information is the devil, so just choose one. My preferred resource is Face Book. It’s perfect. They lay the facts right out there for you in bite sized pieces. And I’ve found it to be the most reliable source on the few occasions that I’ve chosen to fact check. Now some people may choose websites like CNN, Huff post or FOX news, depending on the side they’ve chosen, but I’ve found articles on these sites to be a bit wordy and tend to bog the reader down with details. In my experience Face Book articles are just as factual with less datum, allowing me to plow through more info instead of being caught up in the picayune details. But once again this is your choice. The side you choose is not important. The resource is not important. What is important is that you fight tooth and nail for your side and never waiver.

4. Make everything a political issue. And this you must remember. There is not an industry, nor a thought or place on earth or in the mind in which your political ideology cannot be applied. There is no subject of human conversation in which politics do not have a place (e.g., child birth). There is not place in which these conversations should not take place (e.g., work and place of worship). Everything and everywhere is politics. And this you must remember.

5. Argue. I wish I could add more to this but it’s simple. Just argue. Even if someone agrees with you, just argue.

6. Use your trump cards to win arguments. Argue your position fiercely and use all the tools in you tool box to gain the upper hand when in an educated exchange of ideas. Your trump cards: Call anyone who disagrees with you, and sincerely believe them to be, stupid. This is a show stopper. People will be standing around like, “aww no they didn’t!” And if the argument continues, which in most cases it won’t, call your adversary a racist. That response typically is the knuckleball (wins em all) in the Rock Paper Scissors of politics. The good thing about this political argument strategy is that if you live in America and you call some random person stupid or racist you will be 100% right approximately one half of the time. Now if you have the gumption to hit them with the double whammy (stupid racist) then you increase your accuracy of character assessment to about 65%. Don’t get caught up in the statistics just know they have been thoroughly researched before presentation and if this technique is used properly you will win any clash when locking horns with other great political minds.

Wow!!! I thought I was gonna give you all 10 steps but I see that what has been presented so far is a lot of very technical information and I don’t want to overwhelm you at this time by going into the expert level stuff. Once you’ve mastered these novice level steps then maybe you’ll be ready for the expert level of steps 7–10. So just practice, practice, practice these initial few simple steps and one day you will be “Political AF” like me.

MW