How To Be a Supportive Friend
By: Ella Pravetz
Tags: Mental Health, Burnout, Support, Grief, Friendship

1. Create the space for your friend to feel.

Whether this means talking to them about their feelings, helping them process something with advice or a positive outlook, or just being a shoulder to cry on. Remember that your friend probably has a lot of negative feelings right now, and they may need to clear them before you can get on with any kind of fun activity. It’s like an elephant in the room anytime you’re in a massive amount of pain and you have to start an activity pretending like you’re totally fine. And YES this may be a time where they spend the majority of the time talking about themselves and their problems, that’s okay. Trust me, that friend is going to want to be there for you 10 times over to pay you back for that kind of support.

2. Know when they need a distraction

Sometimes people don't want to talk about their feelings, or you're not the right person for it, or you already have and they want to get on with their day. Be a good distraction! Go do something that requires a hire engagement level, something active like paddle boarding where they have to focus on hand eye coordination and movement, or an amusement park, or cracking a lot of jokes. Don't pick an activity that can let them stay in their head... like a nice scenic drive with a group of friends all chatting about something else. It's highly likely that if the wound is fresh, your friend will slip back into their head. Activities will also help your friend create new happy memories, that shows them that life moves on after their trauma.

3. Be Gentle

Maybe your friend is having a lot of negative thoughts and feelings, maybe it's a lot for you too, maybe you don't understand it. Try not to pressure or judge them for this. Remember that they are in pain, they need soft positive thoughts and words of encouragement, not a hard dose of "toughen up." Unless you can really relate to the experience and you know when the time to do that is. Acknowledge how they feel, and then cheerlead them through doing something that helps them move on.

4. Be Patient

However long you think it should take someone to be over something, it's probably about 10 times longer. Sure they're getting better, but chances are they won't really be up and running at full speed for a long time. Don't give up on your friend. Even if it looks like they're coping well, and they might be... still remember to be gentle and supportive. Better safe than sorry.

5. Check in On Them

A lot. More than you think you need to. Every day is often a battle, and a "good morning text, how are you feeling today?" Can go along way. It even creates the space for your friend to remember that they are healing from something, and if they're having a bad day you're there for them, and if they're having a good day... they can feel proud of it and share that with you, not just take it as a given and then feel bad if they start feeling sad again.

6. Don't criticize their emotions

Even if you think you understand the situation... you don't. Everyone's feelings are valid. Maybe they don't even understand the whole source of why they feel bad, maybe it's not just this breakup or death but some family stuff tied to it that's triggering them and they have no idea until they spend 5k on therapy.

7. Share your Stories

Not everyone likes this, but I always found it extremely helpful when someone would share with me their personal stories that I could relate to. It makes you feel less alone, like you too can get through whatever you're going through because somebody else felt it too. If you're worried about sounding like you're making it about you, just ask "I actually had a similar experience to this, do you want me to share it with you?" Let people know what you did to make you feel better, what you learned from it, anything and everything positive.

8. Stay at their pace

It's not your place to say when they should or shouldn't be over something, or need to stop talking about it. Sometimes it is important to get them out of their head and onto another topic if they're circling, but do this gently. Say something like "Hey I think you're starting to spin and it won't be productive for a while, let's do something fun so we can get you out of your head, and if you need to talk about it again later we can."

8. Love Them

Grief of any sort causes a void. Help your friend fill that void by reminding them how much you love them. That even if their day to day world is shaken up, you're still there for them and they have amazing people in their life who support them and go out of their way to make sure they are okay. This is probably the most healing act of all. A friend showing support can make any situation more bearable.

All in all, you may not always know what to say or do, but just being there for someone, for a hug, as an ear, as a bounce board, to help process and move on is probably the most healing thing you can ever do.