A note to the absentee parents of the world
By: Venessa Amber
Tags: Self-awareness, Family, Parenting, Relationships, Thoughts

My dad being the superstar that he is, took on the motherly role as best he could. He wasn’t much for girl talk and pillow fights, but he definitely raised some strong-willed and resilient girls.

I can’t remember a time that I wished my mother was there because he did a great job of making us feel whole. Being the oldest, I kind of assumed the role of mom when it was necessary and became the confidant my dad needed when the girls required guidance.

Somehow through all of that, I forgot that I also needed guidance, but having an absentee mother was the norm. So I didn’t really mind filling that void with other things. I compensated by being overambitious in everything I did and always pushing forward. Literally always looking forward, wanting more, thinking I needed to be better, and chasing the next big thing at every opportunity.

It sounds like being an overachiever is a straight path to success, but it was actually pretty lonely and was filled with failures. That feeling that there is always something else, always something more, or that I could be working harder is exhausting. When I reached my twenties, about halfway through college, I realized how self-destructive that was.

Hitting that realization forced me to take a break and to breathe. To reflect on the craziness that had been my life and realize that I still had a lot of time to change who I was and not be forever forged by the impacts of my absentee mother.

Though those experiences will always be a part of me, they do not define me and they are not my fault. This is the hardest lesson that a child who has endured the absence of a parent has to learn and it’s a tough pill to swallow.

So, what exactly are the impacts of an absentee parent? Let’s talk about a few

1.) Overcompensating

There is no ample explanation to give a child about why their parent left them. It doesn’t matter if they were struggling with drug addiction, depression, having an affair, etc. All the child knows is that they left and they put the blame on themselves.

We believe that the only plausible explanation is that we are not enough. That feeling sets in deep and seeps into every aspect of life, even if we are unaware. Overcompensating becomes a coping method that we often use to ignore our feelings and emotions.

2.) Emotional Turmoil

You can imagine how twisted your emotions get when you are fighting feelings of being inadequate, dealing with the fact that your parent(s) left, and all the frustrations in between. Emotions become this scary, very messy, and often avoided subject.

For me, all of this manifested itself in anxiety and I’m talking anxiety from hell. I became super avoidant of any emotion and basically let my anxiety rule my life. The number of anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns I had on the floor of my closet growing up is actually embarrassing. I can’t be the only one who sought clarity on the floor of a messy closet…

3.) Relationship disasters

This is where we experience major trust issues, people! Trust issues and either building huge walls that take years to tear down or a very unhealthy level of dependency in relationships — and not only romantic relationships. These issues also trickle into every other type of relationship.

For me, it was the wall. It feels like the wall is protecting you so you keep it up and when people try to get closer, you add a couple of layers. It worked for a good 20 years or so, but when it came crashing down I had a lot of baggage to deal with that I wasn’t — and still am not — ready to unpack. The only way to get through it is one day at a time.

4.) The Guilt

Okay, this one gets to me the most. Anyone who grew up without a parent knows the feeling of guilt, and sometimes shame, that comes with being left by a parent. It all goes back to the feeling that it’s our fault, that we are not enough, and something is wrong with us. A completely unfair burden for a child to bear, but somehow our brains trick us into thinking these things on repeat and it doesn’t fade easily.