It’s Exhausting To Smile At Men Who Sexually Harass Us
By: Alice Vuong
Tags: Women, Feminism, Safety, Life, Self

The last thing I want to do is to be sexually harassed as I walk to my car. I’ve had a hard day at work. The only thing I want to do is to go home, put my feet up, and relax.

Yet, there I was forcing myself to smile at two random guys approaching me.

“Smile, sweetie!”

“Give me a smile!”

“You’d look prettier if you smiled”

Or some variation of the same that violates my decency as a human being.

Before lockdown, I was sexually harassed on a regular basis.

I had incorporated this verbal assault as part of my regular life and took such comments with a grain of salt. If I didn’t, I’d be angry and fuming every day.

My husband didn’t know this

I don’t even know how the topic came up. My brother-in-law and his wife came to visit us. I don’t even remember what we were talking about when I casually mentioned that guys asked me to smile all the time. While his wife nodded in agreement, my husband and brother-in-law were shocked.

I was surprised at their reaction because how could they not know that this was happening to women? ALL women.

Being told to smile has become so ingrained in my life that I never bring these encounters to my husband’s attention. I didn’t think it was worth mentioning. As someone who is neither a giver nor a recipient of these comments, I guess my husband and brother-in-law’s reaction of ignorance and naivete is valid.

Most men aren’t woke when it comes to the daily barrage of sexual harassment women face on a daily basis. Even those who are committing the offense somehow validate it in their own twisted way.

I used to oblige and flash a quick smile when I was in my 20s. I hoped that if I did they wouldn’t harass me any further. So I would give a quick smile and pick up my speed. Nowadays, I tend to roll my eyes and keep walking.

I know that ignoring these comments and keeping quiet won’t change anything but neither does obliging to them. I know I should speak up and tell them to screw off but I don’t. In that instance, I’m not concerned about what’s best for society and how I can help advance the cause of women and feminists around the world. I’m concerned about my own safety.

“Being told to “smile” or “cheer up” by a stranger in public is not a compliment. It is not chivalrous, and it is almost always unwanted.” — Eliza Hatch

I can’t read men’s minds and I don’t know what their intention behind their smile request is but one thing I know for sure is that them asking me to smile is purely for their benefit, not mine. They don’t want me to be happy, they just want me to look happy for them. While men may think this is a friendly request, women see it as a threatening one. My mind is immediately on alert and I pick up my speed to get as far away from them as possible.

All I want to do is get home without men offering unsolicited commands about my appearance.

Women are taught at a very young age that being likeable is the key to success (for women) and the first step to being likeable is to smile. Women have been taught to smile and men have been conditioned to expect a smile from women. I recently read a saddening article where a woman and her 3-year old daughter were grocery shopping. The little girl was not in the best mood so she sat in the cart sullenly when a man suddenly yells at her to smile. He even went so far as to follow them and continue yelling at the 3-year old to smile when she didn’t immediately do it. As the mom and daughter were leaving the store, the mom saw her daughter give the man the fakest smile a little girl could give. She was 3 years old.

And this isn’t just a North America issue — it’s a worldwide phenomenon.

In New Zealand, a Malaysian man followed and assaulted a woman in her own home because, quote, “In Malaysian custom, if a woman smiles at a man it is deemed that they are happy to know that person” and that “[a smile] was an invitation to follow.”

As a woman, I don’t know what will happen if I smile or don’t smile if a man asks me to. It also makes me very aware of my physical stature. If we don’t oblige, there is the real possibility that we’ll be harassed even further- followed, raped, or even killed, simply because we had the misfortune of crossing paths with a man who didn’t like the way we looked at him…or liked the way we looked at him.

Not all men are scumbags but if you’re telling a woman to smile and then yelling at/following/harassing her because she obliged or didn’t, I’m going to go ahead and assume that you are one.

When I’m by myself, I don’t want men to see or notice me.

I’ve been hit on by men even when I was pregnant. That’s not a humble brag, that’s how distorted the world is when a woman carrying a child isn’t free from harassment and when 3 year old girls aren’t free to be sad without feeling the pressure to conform to a grown man’s ludicrous request.

(Some) men still don’t get it

I thought the #MeToo Movement would have opened up men’s eyes to how much harassment women endure on a daily basis and how silent we’ve been. But it only made men take the defensive.

In this Good Morning Britain debate between Andy West and Kelsey-Beth Crossley, Kelsey-Beth faced endless interruptions and insults as she tried to make her point heard about why telling a woman to smile is harassment. If I remember correctly, West used the term “feminist idiocy” to describe the uprising of women and that women nowadays turn every little comment from men into a form of sexual harassment.

I had to stop watching at the halfway mark when Andy dismissed Kelsey-Beth’s comments about the command to smile being aggressive and he argued with think about how scared a man feels when he approaches a woman.

Seriously?!

The #MeToo Movement wasn’t about blaming men. It was about allowing those who have been sexually abused to finally have the courage to speak up, men and women alike.

A smile for you won’t cheer us up

Men think the women should be flattered when they take notice. Women, unfortunately, are taught to be flattered when men take notice.

It’s not that women don’t like to be complimented but there’s a difference between giving someone a sincere compliment and telling a woman to change their appearance because they prefer to see us that way.

Telling us to smile is a backhanded way to say we should look better.

Hearing “cheer up and smile” doesn’t make us cheer up. In fact, quite the opposite.

We don’t like to be interrupted in our thoughts to be told to smile. If we’re in a bad mood, faking a smile for someone else’s benefit is not going to bring us out of it.

I can’t read a man’s mind so I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that it is never the intention to objectify women or invalidate our feelings when they ask them to smile. I’m betting that 99.9% of men who ask women to smile wouldn’t consider it as sexual harassment. If you ask for a reason, they may respond by saying they wanted me to be happy because I looked sad or mad. Please don’t assume that a fake smile is going to miraculously bring me joy.

If I see a stranger walking by, I may smile at them but not because I’m asked to but because I want to. If you know me and I’m deep in thought or look sad, ask if I’m okay or if I need a friend. If I’m a total stranger to you, instead of commanding me to smile, make an effort to smile yourself and maybe I’ll smile back.