Stop Keeping Score
By: Paul Ollinger
Tags: Social Media, Life Lessons, Productivity, Success, Self

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Stop Keeping Score

How to quit measuring success by net worth, fancy titles, or TikTok views

Photo illustration; source: Stuart Walmsley/Getty Images

Every other week, Paul Ollinger investigates how redefining success can help us lead better lives.

A few years ago, when I was looking for a new workout routine, my wife suggested I take a spin class at a place called Flywheel. The last time I had biked en masse was at a fancy California health club, so Flywheel’s spandexed clientele, neon lighting, and ebullient instructor were not new to me. But one thing did stand out: Behind the coach hung a flat-panel screen displaying each rider’s name, bike number, and total “power points.” It was a scoreboard.

Giving it little thought, I spent the next 45 minutes just trying to follow the leader’s directions. But that first session ended with my pulse racing, my T-shirt dripping, and my name near the bottom of the list. Over subsequent classes, I became obsessed with moving up.

Eventually, I cracked the code: To score high, one had to pick one of the “fast” bikes, ignore the instructor, and do nothing but pedal like crazy. The scoreboard soon replaced the fitness benefits as my main driver. Thirty seconds into a ride, I’d see “CycleFella” rise above “PaulO69,” and think, “Not today, CycleFella!” Then I’d spend the rest of class proving that I was better than the guy, even on days when my body was begging me to take it easy.

The whole experience reminded me of how scoreboards drive our behavior in many other areas of our lives. Even though Teddy Roosevelt reminded us “comparison is the thief of joy,” consciously or not, we design our days around improving our positions on invisible ladders that supposedly quantify success. When I was a kid, I’d throw a fit if one of my siblings got a bigger piece of cake than I did. Today, I look in the neighbor’s driveway and can’t help but evaluate my life based in part on what I see parked there.

Escaping this pattern isn’t easy, but it can be done. On my podcast Crazy Money, I spoke with Yoshee and Diana Sodiq, the hosts of a podcast about intentional living called F the Joneses. Years ago, Yoshee’s work as a consultant and Diana’s as a doctor had earned them fancy cars and a big house with a pool, but they both yearned to do something more creative with their careers. They realized they had spent years trying to “keep up with the Joneses,” and that while they’d reached the spot on the ladder that they thought would bring them happiness, the life they’d created just wasn’t working for them. As Yoshee told me, “One day, we decided, ‘eff the Joneses.’” They traded Diana’s Mercedes SUV for a Honda minivan, moved into a smaller home, and began living on their own terms.

For Yoshee, the most important part of the process of taking control was “defining who we are,” he told me. It’s a critical insight. We define who we are by picking — or not picking — the metrics to which we assign value. Left to their own devices, our brains will measure success by our net worth or TikTok views because those things are far easier to quantify than the amount of creativity, joy, and connection we experience every day.

Try this: Instead of counting the number of friends you have on Facebook, count the number of meaningful conversations you’ve had in real time this month. Rather than comparing your results against your neighbor’s efforts, set a personal goal, and track your performance over time. People may judge your decisions. “It’s human nature,” Diana said on a recent episode of F the Joneses. “But guess what? It has nothing to do with you.”

Rather than relentlessly grinding out in your fancy spin class, maybe it would be more satisfying for you to pedal to the beat of the music. Or better yet, take your bike outside and cruise around with the people you love. Your name might not end up at the top of a leaderboard, but finishing first is not the same as having enjoyed the ride.