An Antidote To The Tiger Mom?
By: Simon Constable
Tags: Learning And Development, Failing, Book Recommendations, Books And Authors, Career Development

Photo by Web Donut on Unsplash

There is something about the sting of asphalt on the palm of your hand when you fall off your bicycle that makes you never want to let it happen again. Of course it will happen again, but you learn, you get better and so on. That is the way millions of people learned to ride. At least they did. But not so much lately.

No Struggle, No Story

A couple of years ago I met a woman who had never fallen from a bicycle or seemingly had any major failure in her life. Unfortunately, she wanted me to write her life story. It was unfortunate because narratives with no struggle don’t work so well. Obstacles overcome, after all, make a better tale. The bigger the obstacle the better the story. A story without such tension is just lacking. And now we are learning that it doesn’t really work so well in life either.

That brings me to Jessica Lahey’s book, “The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed,” which addresses the issue of over protective parenting and how sometimes it’s just a better gift to let kids learn through trial and error. Lots of emphasis on the error, please!

It goes back to that love of learning that all children are endowed with. How do you best stack the wooden blocks so they don’t fall down? You do it wrong once or twice and then maybe get some help. My father showed me some tricks with Legos (but only after I failed a few times) and I still remember. Years later in chemistry class, how many times did my mates and I set the sink on fire accidentally? Enough to know that even flaming oil floats on water.

Success Comes from Failure

Maybe learning like that is too risky for some. But it is out of such experiences that we get competent, which is something Lahey writes about. She defines competence as confidence born out of experience. If you have misplaced confidence you might end up hurting yourself. She rightly desires to raise children who are competent and gives them plenty of opportunity to learn it. Note that it is the opportunity which she provides. She doesn’t hover over them.

Don’t think this is an easy parenting alternative. It actually sounds hard. Very hard. At one point Lahey describes the mental agony of realizing that her son left his homework on the kitchen table and then resolved not to chase after him. In some ways, her book is the antidote to the Tiger Mom movement. There is also much to learn from what she writes, whether or not you put it into practice.

Failing Puts You In Good Company

If you are starting to doubt this approach then look at how failure has shaped many of our business icons in ways that can only be seen as positive. Walt Disney , founder of Disney, wasn’t exactly everyone’s cup of tea. One boss viewed him as uncreative. Star of 21st Century Fox’s American Idol, Simon Cowell, owed friend and music producer Peter Waterman almost a quarter of a million pounds ($370,000) when his company, Fanfare, went bust, according to the Daily Mail. Likewise, Thomas Edison wouldn’t have invented the light bulb without many setbacks. There are many other examples of people who overcame adversity. They knew how to get back on the bicycle after they had fallen off.

If that isn’t enough to convince you, then think of all the great stories your kids will be able to laugh about years later when they spin yarns for their grandchildren.

This is an edited version of a story that first appeared on Forbes.com on September 8, 2015.