The Art of Difficult Conversations
By: Kashara Johnson
Tags: Self-awareness, Mental Health, Community, Life Lessons, Self Improvement

“The questions that we don’t ask because of fear are framing the very stories that we create in the absence of truth.”

I have been been an avoider of difficult conversations for as long as I can remember. I’m always afraid of being wrong about my feelings (honestly, that alone deserves its own conversation). I’m always afraid of having my words misconstrued. And then, there are the countless “what ifs”. What if I look foolish? What if I’m overreacting? What if they won’t love me anymore? What if they leave?

The questions that we don’t ask because of fear are framing the very stories that we create in the absence of truth. For me, creating stories in my mind has always felt safer than searching for truths that can ground me in reality. That’s because the truth would potentially require me to sit with the discomfort of some of my fears being proven right. And who wants to sit with discomfort?

Obviously not me because the truth is that I am a 26 year old woman who has allowed a number of relationships and dreams to die because I couldn’t sit with discomfort. I didn’t want to confront myself and I didn’t want others to confront me with things that would potentially unsettle me. So like many of us do, I ran. I ran from myself for years until literally 6 months ago when I had no where else to run except my therapist’s couch. My lack of self-trust and my fear of sitting with the unsettling things of life has resulted in missed opportunities to go deeper. And by ‘deeper’, I’m talking about the act of tapping into the more meaningful parts of life that can only be reached by pushing past the tense and uncomfortable parts. Those parts of life are inevitable no matter how far we try to run or how much we try to disassociate ourselves from them, and to do anything but acknowledge this reality will cause us to suffer.

Running also prevents us from holding space for difficult conversations with ourselves and with others. That space is so desperately needed for progress in every area of our lives. I have this deep belief that we are all interconnected. There’s no getting around that. Your existence affects mine and mine, yours. So when even one of us is brave enough to hold space for difficult conversations that lead to a greater understanding and healing, that healing affects us all. And collective healing is truly powerful.

“I started to realize that facing the truth wasn’t as scary or painful as I’d built it up to be in my mind. I actually started to crave more of the truth. ”

My personal life during most of 2019 shined flood lights on the conversations that I’ve desperately needed for so long. Some with a handful of other people, but most importantly with myself. Who am I when I’m not trying to be what I think others want me to be? What is it that brings me joy and why have I not been doing more of that unapologetically? Why am I repeating the same actions and expecting different results? Why am allowing myself to be stuck in a marriage that I know neither of us is happy in? Hard, messy questions. All of which I’d pushed down until very much like an overstuffed suitcase, all of the messy, uncomfortable, even painful parts of my life exploded and I had no other choice, but to face it.

But you want to know what happened? I survived. Each day that I faced myself, I was fully convinced that the tightness in my chest was going to kill me, but it didn’t. In fact, I started to thrive in many ways because once I became aware, I found that I was actually more empowered to make choices that aligned with my core self. And alignment with my core self has radically impacted the way that I walk through this world and my relationship with others. I started to realize that facing the truth wasn’t as scary or painful as I’d built it up to be in my mind. I actually started to crave more of the truth.

Trust. Trust that you are ready and capable to have those difficult conversations. Know that your value is inherent and isn’t determined by the outcomes of those conversations. It is certainly easier said than done. In all honesty, sometimes I still find myself cowering with fear to confront myself — let alone others. But it’s possible and necessary. And what I have learned is that oftentimes the most beneficial things in our lives are not acquired with ease or with easy choices.