My Life Long Search
By: Ally Palmer
Tags: Fathers Day, Family, Dna, Dads

Dear Dad,

Happy Father’s Day! This is the first time I’ve ever made that specific exclamation to the person it is meant for. I look forward to many more days where I can encourage your happiness, simply to honor that we are in each other’s lives . Life will be foreseeably un-expected from here on out, in the same way it has been un-foreseeably certain up to this point. Here are some letters I wrote to you over the last few months that will prove to you how beautifully accidental existence is.

April 12, 2019

I saw your profile pic for the first time today and I am brimming with wonder and excitement. Your blue eyes were simply screaming at me. Your smirk is gentle, marked by a familiar dimple. Your cheeks fill with the same roundness. Simply put, I was captivated by your photo. So many curiosities were competing for my attention. I had to find out more so I kept scrolling. Scrolling through your Facebook page uncovers a few details, you live in El Paso, Texas; you work as a counselor for soldiers and veterans; you are husband to Carmen Solano Ward and a Father of Lizzie and Randy.

November 20, 2018

It has taken me 26 years for me to begin searching for you. Throughout my life I spent countless hours imagining you into my life. I would dream up the look of your smile, the weight of your embrace, the chime of your laughter. How could I avoid the fantasies where you showed up at my door and whisked me away to a new life when the reality of my childhood was so morose? When you didn’t show up as my knight-in-shining-armour I became aware of the fact that I would search for you it was just a matter of when.

November 2, 2018

“End of The Road” by Boyz II Men played on repeat, Rodney King had recently been brutally beaten, Princess Diana was still alive and unhappy with her marriage, are you taken back yet? Is July of 1992 fresh in your mind? Now, recall a night where you went to the bar for a few drinks and took home a tall, blonde woman with a boisterous laugh.

Did I have to pick it out for you? Do you remember the moment of my conception? Or am I simply another moment lost in time?

November 9, 2018

A square two pound box was delivered to my door today. It demanded that the box opener “Let your ancestral journey begin!” I stared at the box in wonderment — so this was all it took to have one’s DNA analyzed? To find the other half of me?

December 21, 2018

After weeks of checking my email every hour my ancesty.com results finally arrived! And, were somewhat of a let down. The “family matches” tab revealed dozens of never-before-seen extended family — none of whom are you. I decided to avoid the future a little while longer, the real-life version of you will obliterate my imaginings . Sorry to make you wait but I’m not ready to let go quite yet.

April 4, 2019

I guess that waiting can’t last forever! While visiting family today I gained an ally in my search. Tenacious, inquisitive, and blunt my cousin Katey is just the catalyst I need. After four months of anxiously avoiding my ancestry profile I logged in to gather names for her. Secretly, I hope she is capable of doing what I, for 26 years, had been powerless to do — reach out.

May 3, 2019

If I had known how kind and full of love you are I would never have been afraid. Pages coat my apartment floor, fill my purse, and riddle my class notes, they are overflowing for you. My head is filled with questions so I write them down wherever I am. After all, we have 78 years to cover between the two of us! Somehow, when we talk each question seems to disintegrate, melted by the pungency of my excitement. Maybe one day I will weave them all into a letter?

Until Next Time,

Your Daughter