Arm & Hammer or Colgate ?
By: Dvonne Walker
Tags: Decision Making, Frustration, Self-awareness

Arm & Hammer or Colgate ?

For the past couple of weeks I’ve felt this sense of worthlessness sense of pointlessness sense of no pride. Usually I am full of pride but now I feel like Patrick star. The only two things I seem to care about (women and money… in that order) have been not at the forefront of my mental rather a blank void of hopelessness and despair. I don’t know where I left of last but I presume it was what I cared about most and now I find I don’t care about anything. My family is cool n all but as hobbies go and a occupational activities that make me smile, I find I can can not find what makes me tick. As the clock ticks towards the inevitable doom of death I want to find something that can make me smile from time to time should i say a “stress reliever”. This world has nothing but them. I can only hope to find something that is an enjoyable stress.

It’s no secret I went to a rehab facility because of my suicidal ideation. So many ways to kill your self choose one! I used to say but now it’s more like so many ways to be happy choose one. As a man of unable to make decisions I find it’s rather annoying how undecided I can be on things… for example I go to the store every month to get toothpaste knowing what toothpaste I’m going to get… Arm n Hammer toothpaste. But still I stand in the aisle contemplating life it seems over what toothpaste to get just to pick the same one I usually always get. Now this can be interpreted 2 ways:

1) I weigh my options

This can be seen as an excellent mind boggling concept. I analyze many things; the price per ounce, the benefits of the toothpaste or the new toothpastes that have come out since the last month I’ve been to the store. It doesn’t happen often but it does happen. I can clearly recognize why I take my time but it tend to over analyze which leads me to my other point

2) self doubt

Many times I know what fucking toothpaste I’m getting but then I over analyze the fuck out of the toothpaste. Does Colgate whiten my teeth better? Does Crest protect my teeth more? They all have fluoride in the toothpaste which isn’t good for your third I creativity and perception.. I just stand with a blank face expression over thinking one of the simplest decisions there possibly could be.

Now imagine this process going on in my head with all the hundreds of thousands of other decisions we have to make on a daily basis the insecurity is just oozing out of my skin. So I dilute it with a bit of cockiness and asshole mixed drink of emotion.

I’ve have days where I can’t make a decision to save my life and others I’ve Give the ok jump out of a plane (which I did sign up to do). In times I feel that this helps me with the most bizarre of decisions but the simplest of them I can’t seem to make sense of. I find that I leave my self in the void of abyss to rid me of frustrating infuriating decisions to be made and regret. I’ve found that maybe it’s just the year 2020 in its self or maybe it’s the frequency in which I’m communicating. All in all I’ve developed this melon collie attitude which I find harder and harder to get out of. In a world of uncertainty, to find control is probably one of the greatest powers to understand and develop. I’m still trying to find it.