Frankly Told: In The Shape Of…
By: Frankhie Muthumbi
Tags: Suicide Prevention, Fiction, Storytelling, Suicide, Friendship

Photo by Frankhie Muthumbi

I lay on my back atop her bed, staring at the ceiling of her bedroom, observing the two figures in the mirror embedded in it.

The sun was only just peeking the top of its head over the horizon and the sky was set aflame to cue in the night. Through my t-shirt, I could feel the dampness of her hair but I didn’t mind. She had stopped shivering and her breathing was calm in slumber.

She groaned softly and I held my breath as her arms snaked around me a little tighter. Muttering softly to herself, I couldn’t tell if she was slowly rousing or in deep sleep. How long had it been since she and I lay there? How long more? I could hear my phone softly buzzing on the bedside table and it left me thinking I should have put it on DnD because the separation anxiety felt like pins and needles. She shifted. She was definitely beginning to wake.

“Um, hey sleepy head.” I cooed softly.

“ Hi,” she responded half asleep.

“How are you feeling?” I asked gently.

“Like crap.” She replied with her voice cracking.

“Understandably so but there is one thing that might make you feel better, if only just a little,” I said.

“Mh and what is that?” She adjusted herself and nestled her head on my chest.

“Probably change out of your wet clothes… before you catch a cold and blame me.” I suggested.

“You sound just like my mum,” she retorted.

“Well yes, I believe this is how care sounds like.” I sighed.

“ I meant nagging,” she shot back.

“In that case, I don’t really mind then,” I quipped. “Now, get up!”

I shifted my weight and gently began to rise from the bed. She reluctantly followed suit with her eyes still mostly closed. Her body, like a limp noodle, poured off the bed and on her two feet. Having walked over to her closet, she grabbed her top from the bottom and in a disgraceful motion pulled it off. Her pants came off next, in nothing short of comical fashion before she stood there with her hands akimbo, staring down at me through heavy eyelids.

“ What?” She asked drowsily. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Because you failed to realize… I am still very much in the room right now. Couldn’t you have waited until I was out here?”

“No… It’s fine. It’s okay. I don’t want you to leave.” She said.

“But…” I began.

“Just-” she interrupted with her hand up. “Okay?”

I sighed and stayed put. My eyes darted across the room, looking for something to look at but it was getting dark and everything was eclipsed aside from her standing in the last rays of sun from her window. After a few minutes of trying to jolt herself awake enough, the bra came off and the panties followed. The teenage boy inside me became giddy but trying to play it cool, I pretended to not be moved and looked outside the window to the now orange-violet skies.

“Better now?” She called out.

I turned back to find her worn by an oversized T shirt with the words “Stay Awake" written in graffiti across the front. Her arms raised to her sides in a showy manner.

“Is that not mine? I’ve been wondering where it disappeared to.” I smiled.

“Is it better or not?” She pushed.

“It’s better. It’s better.” I conceded.

“Can I go back to laying down?”

I scooted over to make room on the bed for her. She walked over, got on the bed and cuddled up against me again, leaving a vast expanse behind her and me, balancing basically at my edge of the bed.

“I just… Why?” I questioned. “There is literally a whole-”

She shushed me and held me tighter.

“Please. I need this.” She said softly and I quietly obliged, finally embracing her back.

Her face a mixture of emotions; a tinge of sadness but a slap of calm and comfort, like a peaceful sadness. I watched her figure slowly rise and fall with her breath. Her fingers curled tightly to the fabric of my Tshirt as if never wanting to let me go.

“I can feel you staring at me.” she softly whispered.

“I promise you, you are feeling your own things.” I huffed, broken out of my observation.

With nothing to do but lay there, I watched the last of the sun scroll across her wall and out of her room. The occasional soft rumble of cars passing by in the street outside the open window keeping me company, outside the silence of the suburban estate.

“Thank you,” her voice cut through my daze.

It was now too dark to see whether she was but I could tell she was looking at me.

“I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t shown up.”

“ What were you thinking?” I asked in calm concern.

“I don’t know if i was even thinking. I just I guess wanted it to be over. There was so much noise in my head and … and..” she trailed off.

I held her tighter.

“You felt like you were drowning?” I completed.

I could feel her nod and a single sob escaped her. Almost automatically my hand rubbed against her back and in the dark she cried.

“Y-you-you saved- I-I-I’m so so-sorry. I- I…” she stammered in between sobs.

“Shh. Shh. Hey … No need to apologise. No need to apologize.”

The cold memory flashed back with a stabbing pain in my shoulder which I had forgotten existed having braved it out for so long. I thought about how I would explain the broken bathroom door glass panel to her parents. The sight of her under the shower head with her clothes still on, drenched and shivering. The glare of the blade in her arms. How would I even begin?

“I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I just… I wish I could explain but I can’t. I can’t.” she said. “I don’t even understand it myself.”

“Okay. Okay, I hear you. You want to maybe talk me through what you are feeling?” I asked.

“Just a lot. Not as much as before… but a lot. One being that I am sorry for making you miss school today. I promised not to make it a habit but here we are.”

“It’s cool. The lecturer most probably wouldn’t notice that I wasn’t there and it’s a simple unit, I can catch up.”

“Still…” she started.

“No no. It’s fine.” I cut her off. “What else are you feeling or were you feeling?”

“Um… I don’t know. Confused. Lost. Lonely. This heaviness in my chest.”

“How long have you… felt like this… Really?” I asked

“I don’t know… Weeks? Months? Since I dropped out? Recently it’s just felt worse and worse. Like the whole world has been moving forward and I have been left behind. I mean, like you guys are now about to graduate and I’m stuck here. Some guys have jobs and I’m still here. Some even have kids now and i’m here. Some guys are loving that campus life and I’m still here… just… being here. I don’t know if that makes sense.”

“It does…” I affirmed.

She went on talking and talking. With every passing word she seemed to be getting lighter and lighter. Less shaky, less scared. Her arms wrapped tighter around me still, as if this was the anchor she held onto so as to keep from losing herself in her words and emotions. Hours passed and the room gained some light as the moon rose, full in all its majesty. Everything became clear. The reason why she would call me over randomly in the middle of the week the sudden silences, the lack of posts on her blog. It made sense.

“How do you deal with me sometimes?” she asked with a pinch of sadness in her voice.

“What do you mean? You are important to me…” I answered.

“But I am a lot to handle…” she looked up into my eyes.

“Well… yes but doesn’t mean I am not able to.” I smiled. “Isn’t that kind of the essence of it?”

“You are really awesome, you know?” she said.

“Me? Awesome?” I scoffed.

“Shut up and take the compliment.” she retorted and after a moment of silence she spoke again.

“You are like… like God, in the shape of my best friend.”