The worst day of the Ashes… so far.
By: Nathan Cresswell
Tags: Cricket

This is a nadir, until next week. There have been more dramatic losses, more embarrassing losses, and definitely worse performances in my conscious lifetime of supporting English cricket (2005 onwards); Roston Chase taking 8fer, 58 all out, 67 all out to name but a recent few. The first two games of this series, and especially this loss at Adelaide, against an Australia team without their two best bowlers, is the apotheosis of the most disheartening omnishambles, top to bottom, that the ECB has ever constructed. On the field, at least.

4 years on from a 4–0 defeat so limp that ‘Mason Crane’ sounded like an actual Test cricketer until his ‘promising’ 1–193 at Sydney, Mark Stoneman was there, and Mitch Fucking Marsh scored 2 (two!!!!) hundreds, we’d now had time for some fascinatingly layered details from England’s groundbreaking Win Away From Home Guide. Admittedly put on hold, justifiably, to allow Trevor Bayliss to seemingly whale noise England’s generational group of white ball players to a World Cup win in 2019. A few months later, Bayliss was replaced by Chris Silverwood, & the batshit fucking mental idea to try and score first innings runs was introduced. Genuine Pace and Mystery Spin went from being whispered like forbidden spells to being mentioned at the forefront of most pre-series interviews. While you have to give some, uh, credit? for the fact we stopped picking Jason Roy (!!!) to open (!!!) against Starc, Hazlewood & Cummins (!!!) vs a red ball (!!!) it’s impossible to believe Silverwood, Giles et al actually had anything in place to achieve those mystical goals. It seems rather that they thought just saying them out loud would manifest itself.

Pundits, fans, commentators and irritating Yorkshiremen can, and have, and will continue to debate selection decisions until they’re blue in the face. It’s a fair criticism, but akin to criticising the colour scheme on the Titanic. The fact remains that no eleven players England could choose would compete in this series, and the individuals selected are a reflection of the system you’re picking from.

The openers. First of all, Rory Burns succeeded Alastair Cook in the same way that Mourinho succeeded Pochettino at Spurs. A clear downgrade in a sporting capacity, and also a respecting women capacity. Burns’ current age (31.3) is soon to overtake his Test batting average (31.4) and undercut his number of Test appearances (31). He’s got decent first class numbers that haven’t translated to any Test success, partially explained by the fact that when the first ball was bowled in Brisbane, his front foot looked as though it was on its way to Adelaide. Haseeb Hameed, who was once a virtual guarantee to gently escort Cook into his twilight and eventual retirement, averages less than 30 against *ahem* ‘pace’ in County Cricket – and plays with his hands below his knee roll – was picked from this touring party ahead of someone who has a central contract when he doesn’t. Undoubtedly talented, poorly managed and poorly coached – an utterly overwhelming theme among England’s top 6 since 2015 – perhaps up until he joined Peter Moores at Notts.

Dawid Malan himself doubted he’d play another Test, and was publicly told he couldn’t bat in England by then selector Ed Smith. By no measure is he an International standard number 3, yet he’s inarguably been England’s best selection call this winter. But again – you could probably envisage England ‘planning’ to take him on the away tour that we relentlessly, perpetually describe as the pinnacle of our game – so why would you only give him 2 matches in England to prepare for this? It’s not a stretch to say that his two 50s here could’ve been converted if he’d had sufficient practise in constructing a Test innings this year, instead having to make do by doing that in his various T20I performances in 2021 instead.

At 4, and, for the time being, as captain, Joe Root (the 2021 iteration) stands out as an individual within a team more so than any cricketer, perhaps sportsman, that I can remember. Averaging in the early 60s this year, a full 20 runs higher than Malan (7 innings) as England’s next best.

Ben Stokes is Ben Stokes. Routinely overbowled by his captain, he will likely be playing with one leg, one hand and probably 3 fingers by the 5th Test. Clearly, far and away our 2nd best batter, averaging a colossal… 36? Has anyone ever mentioned that in 2010/11 every member of our top 7 averaged *over forty*? And at least 3 of them were guaranteed to be heavily, repeatedly criticised at any given point? Don’t it always seem to go…

Ollie Pope is the most technically talented cricketer we’ve produced in 10 years, averaging an incredible 66 in FC cricket, excluding Test innings. Pope, though, not entirely without hindsight, was doomed to be ruined from his first Test; having been picked at number 4 against Bumrah, Shami, Ishant, etc. when at that point he hadn’t faced a ball for Surrey (batting at 6) before 20 overs. It is depressingly more and more believable each time a batsman spends time with England ‘coaches’ and immediately regresses. Pope, Bairstow and Ballance stand out as players with stellar County records. Labuschagne and Smith, worse players than each of those 3 when they debuted, could be reasonably labelled the two best Test batsmen around. It’s not especially hard to imagine Pope would average upwards of 50 if he played for Australia. Yet again. Coaching and management.

Jos Buttler, one million Tests in, just needs to Find A Method To Succeed In The Longest Format. A more than reliable keeper, now seemingly rattled so badly by his batting that he just can’t catch. One hopes England’s literal best white ball player ever won’t be allowed to rot in the Test side for much longer.

Chris Woakes has been picked in the last two games primarily for his ability with the bat at number 8. If for some reason you don’t back your current top 7 (say, for example, you know who they are) then it’s an understandable principle. But Woakes averages 20 abroad. It’s like asking Ringo Starr to join The Who for his ability to sing. He’s not good enough at his primary skill to be there, and even worse with his secondary skill. Absolutely nothing has changed since the last tour to justify his inclusion.

Ollie Robinson is clearly an excellent bowler, and likely will be in all conditions. Silverwood was subject to widespread mockery for his incredulous ‘it’s OK, we expected this,’ comment, but I’m not sure even the most pessimistic, creative minded England fan would have been able to come up with anything more on-the-nose-ridiculous than our decision to not pick a spinner in this Test being shown up by our best seamer on the tour so far bowling offies in his shades. Not much is beyond a conceivable script in sport, despite what pundits may incessantly attempt to have you believe, but that is pretty close.

Watching Broad and Anderson in an away Ashes series is starting to get tiring in itself, it’s hard to imagine being either of them. They’re consistent, reliable and still understandably, the captain’s go to. Particularly Anderson, whose career post 30 alone makes him one of the greatest ever to do it.

Now that XI is probably not the best England could pick for a Test at Adelaide. Hameed will probably be replaced by Zak Crawley, Broad by Leach, Woakes by Wood & Pope by Bairstow for Melbourne, or later in the series. But Crawley, despite being best mates with Rob Key, and by extension, championed by Shane Warne, averages 11 in 2021. Jack Leach is, by all parameters, England’s best spin bowler. Everyone knows it. Currently, he has a lower bowling average than Nathan Lyon. Why on earth, then, was he sat on the sidelines for an entire home summer? How did that fit into the 4-Year-Plan? He’s spent so long carrying drinks in the last two years it’s a wonder he hasn’t morphed into Quasimodo, and England expected him to Keep It Tight against aggressive batters on a flat pitch when they got 150 in the first innings? He debuted 2 years after he should have and, broken record, has been managed in the worst way he could have been since then. Mark Wood will be brilliant. Bairstow won’t be, no matter how much you adore him, and I’m saying that in part to convince myself, as the most ludicrously irrational stan. Every man and his dog who is even vaguely aware of cricket knows exactly how he’s going to get out. They’re all individually reasonable decisions. But, as I said earlier, they aren’t going to make this team competitive.

The pool should have been wider. This doesn’t account for the young players England have already got coffins lined up for. James Bracey is a top order batsman who was debuted at 7. Dom Bess was dropped after taking a 4fer in a Test win in India. Matt Parkinson averages 25 in County Cricket and hasn’t played a Test. They all made the Lions squad that, unfortunately, Times Like These justified sending home. Though the 2 spinners didn’t get picked for their first Tour game. Almost too ridiculously on-the-nose again, right?

With the money, resources and (raw) talent available, the manner of these defeats and the inevitability of a series whitewash to an Australia team that isn’t even *that* good makes this a genuine disgrace. With one win in 11 Test matches, England have 3 to go here, 3 in the West Indies, then welcome India (one Test), World Champions New Zealand, and South Africa (both 3 Test series) in the 2022 home summer. Before another 3 Test series away to Pakistan. There is no reason, with the everpresenr holy trinity of a flawed County setup, consistent mismanagement and poor coaching, to be optimistic for that run of results to improve. And the worst part of all this? For most organisations, this almost-scandalous systemic performance would be absolute priority in terms of introspection. But I haven’t even mentioned Azeem Rafiq here. The ECB should be ashamed and embarrassed. I am by distant association.