How To Even…Not Catch the Coronavirus Or Other Plagues That Would Kill You To Death
By: How To Even
Tags: Humor, Health, Life

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

Some of us have accepted the notion that the Earth is trying to kill us to save itself. The rest of us know that it’s actually an Illuminati plot to cash in on cheap real estate (Who will they sell it to? Your mom) and eat what’s left in the refrigerator. Regardless, it sure seems like there are a lot of viruses and political ads going around, threatening to inconvenience our travel plans to other countries, like Denver. And also, you know, wipe out a huge portion of the population. But do not lose hope! (Haha like anyone has hope anymore. Pfft.) We, at How To Even…Unlimited LLC have compiled some surefire tips to help you not die horribly or get a runny nose.

Wash Your Hands (in the Blood of Your Enemies)

We hate to break the news to you, but your enemies talk a lot of trash about you. If they’re weak, puny mortals, then that reflects pretty badly on you. Why haven’t you already crushed them? They sound more like annoyances than enemies. If they’re strong, powerful, and god-like, on the other hand, then that means you yourself are probably pretty kickass.

But it also means your enemies are pretty badass. As we all know, only the weak get sick. This is because the immune systems of the strong kick all the sicknesses’ butts, to put it in technical terms. If your enemies are truly great, then their immune systems are also great. It only makes sense.

When you were a kid, your mom probably told you to wash your hands before you eat or after you use the bathroom or after you eat while using the bathroom. Ostensibly, this was to keep you safe from bad stuff on your hands that could make you sick, like Chick pamphlets. But really, it was her attempt to make you weak so you’d have to stay with her forever. (aw) True warriors don’t wash their hands after they poop; they dare the microbes (pooprobes?) to come at them. And your enemies were true warriors, before you tore their heads off and gnawed on the stumps. Therefore, washing your hands in their blood should kick the plague’s — or whatever’s — butt.

This is just plain old science. You might be thinking something about vaccines or that’s not how immunity is passed or some nerdy crapola, but we don’t have time to figure out how to spell stuff like that just so we can type it into Goggle and find out what it is. We’re too busy being awesome.

Avoid Potentially Infected People

It’s hard to tell if someone is infected with the coronavirus or the plague or libertarian leanings. A person might have any one of these illnesses and yet show no outward symptoms. The only way to tell for sure is to go up to them, take a blood sample, dip a piece of litmus paper in it, and then wait to see if it turns pink or blue. People tend to get all weird when you come at them with needles, and the ones that don’t, well…

Here are some other signs to watch out for:

Coughing

Sweating profusely

Bleeding from the eyes

On fire

Asks if there’s a breeze coming from somewhere when there clearly is not *Sheryl*

Wearing shoes

Not wearing shoes

Is named Timmy

Denies name is Timmy

Un-ironically uses hashtags including #notall

Thinks that not allowing white supremacists to spout their rhetoric undisturbed is censorship

Is feeling peckish even though they just ate

Doesn’t get why everyone thinks that new show is so great

Escaped from a secret lab, where they were a test subject for an experimental new microbe being created by the government to eradicate Bernie Sanders supporters

Is dead

If you see someone exhibiting more than three of these symptoms, run! Or, you know, drift leisurely away. We’re not trying to give anyone a heart attack.

If that doesn’t instill you with confidence, you should probably just avoid all people, which, honestly, is the basic message of 99% of our posts.

Avoid Travel

Travel is good for the soul, so not traveling is bad for your soul. What they actually mean by that saying is that new experiences help your soul stay healthy. Your soul is like a muscle; it needs to be used to grow and be healthy. Or something. We’re not sure. We’re not spiritualists.

But people with souls die — even if they’re healthy souls. You know who doesn’t die? The undead. Why? Because they have no souls. So, if you want to die, by all means, live your life, have adventures, enjoy things, all that happy horse baloney. But if you want to “live” forever, avoid any activity that could stimulate your soul in a meaningful way. Get a job in a cubicle where everyone wears beige and talks about their “big plans” mowing the lawn this weekend. Never do anything but work, eat, and sleep — and don’t eat anything particularly interesting. Turn your life into a complete trudgefest (not to be confused with the Norwegian music festival Trudgefest 2020 \m/). Your soul will wither away to nothing, and when the virus hits, there will be nothing left of you to kill. Or, you’ll still get sick and die, but you’ll be relieved. Either way, problem solved.

Self-Protection

But if you absolutely must travel (and want to live), you need to take precautions. A lot of these things (i. e., germs with names like H1N1, CO-ED19, or TURK184) are passed through the air, so you should try not to breathe whenever possible. Similarly, you should avoid bodily fluids, which, come on, like that’s a challenge (unless we’re talking about our own).

You could invest in a face mask, which, honestly, won’t do much other than make you sound funny. In the middle ages during plague times, doctors would wear these long, pointy-nosed masks that were full of herbs and smellgood stuff. You can probably find one in a fetish sex shop, so check your bookmarks or your partner’s browsing history. The herbs and things were fine for the dark ages, when people thought dumb things like that washing your hands in the blood of your enemies would protect you from sickness, but these are modern times. These masks fit over your nose and face, so why not fill them with something useful like snacks? Our snack technology has progressed so far since we stopped believing in God. We’re not saying there’s a connection, but we’re not not saying it, either.

A lot of so-called “medical professionals” and “epidemiologists” will tell you that wearing a surgical mask or respirator will not necessarily protect you from coronaviruses or other plague-y bugs. This is because viruses are friends with the tiny bouncers embedded in these masks, who will let them in the side-mask as long as they keep a low profile. But there are better reasons not to go around wearing these unfashionable facial covers:

Rash caused by face mask allergy

Makes your ears look big

Musses up the hair

Doesn’t come in decorator colors

You now have to smell your own breath

You might be mistaken for a brain surgeon and be forced to operate, putting cat brains into people to see if it makes any difference

You might be mistaken for Batman’s nemesis, Bane, and be forced to talk in a grunty voice and chortle villainously

On the other hand, these same experts will tell you that you *should* wear a mask if you have caught the corona bug. This is because it will help stop the spread of the infection, but also because all the viruses will be stuck inside your body, where they will get bored and start quarreling among themselves, and eventually stop speaking to each other, which alleviates the symptoms a little bit.

But invisible bacteria or viruses aren’t the only danger. Curses can be spread from a single glance, so try not to look at any witches disrespectfully. (This is just basic human decency.) Similarly, bad fashion choices can lead to derision and a loss of street cred, the deadliest contagion.

Probably the safest thing you can do is get a vinyl covering over your whole body. This will not only protect you from any and all germs and curses, but also making cleaning up any inconvenient spills on your person a breeze!

Make an Offering

Remember at the beginning of this, miles and miles of dumb jokes ago, when we mentioned that the Earth is probably mad at us? Well, we don’t like to take chances. Just in case it’s true, it’s probably a good idea to make an offering. This is more complicated than it sounds. See, the Earth is a person, just like you or Jupiter or your couch. It has wants and needs, its own tastes and Hulu settings. Think of it like buying a gift. You can give someone a generic thing they might not hate but probably won’t care much about, or you can put some effort into it, think about what they’d really like — even if they didn’t realize it, themselves — and blow their mind. And then, you know, the doing of sex.

So, you’ve got to get to know the Earth. Slip into its DMs. Chat a bit and see how things lie. DO NOT SEND THE EARTH A DICKPIC. After a few days or maybe weeks, propose meeting up for coffee. Don’t be weird. Just talk. Try to be sincere and funny. Pay attention. Text the Earth after and say you had a great time and see if it wants to do it again. Maybe the Earth just wants to be friends, which is fine. Eyes on the prize. Frankly, being friends is more useful to you in this scenario. Once you’ve really got the Earth’s personality nailed down, you can think about what it would really like to receive. Maybe some sort of wall sconce. Perhaps a custom made figurine or stuffed animal of some type. Pay attention and use your best judgement.

If this all sounds like too much work, you could just guillotine some 1%ers. We’re not saying they’re responsible for the plague, but the Earth is always happy to receive blood offerings.

***

We live in a time when there are only two reasons for anything to exist. Things exist to either turn a profit for some 1%er, or to advance some terrible political goal, that will then turn a profit for some 1%er.

So when something like a worldwide epidemic breaks out, you can relax, safe in the knowledge that someone is on top of it, figuring out how to use the suffering of others to suppress political protests, or suck up cheap stocks after a Wall Street crash. Or plant a giant pod in your backyard that will burst open to release an alien replicant who will absorb you while you sleep and then replace you as an emotionless unit of the hive mind. And then turn a profit.

What we’re saying is don’t let this keep you from washing your hands, stocking up on home supplies and medicine, staying calm and having a plan, avoid touching your face, or any of the other good bits of advice that people who — unlike us — know what they’re talking about. We ourselves suggest a couple of aerosol cans of Podz-B-Gone. But also go ahead and make that offering.