I Used to be Suicidal. Here are my Thoughts Regarding the Rise of Suicide
Tags: Suicide, Mental Health, Depression, Life Lessons, Life

Photo Credit: 3938030 via Pixabay

Ask almost any of my friends and family if I was suicidal and they would probably give you a weird look.

“Talin? Being suicidal? Nah. She’s a happy-go-lucky girl who is extremely tough. She’d never be that kind of person.”

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Tough? I’d like to think so. Happy? For the most part. Suicidal? Used to be, very heavily actually.

So with all of the suicides lately, especially circulating around Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain (RIP these two) I thought I’d chime in a little since I used to feel as low and as empty as a suicidal person.

When you’re actually suicidal, NOTHING helps

This is a subjective feeling that I thought of, not objective by nature.

What I mean is, while I was aware that there was therapy and hotlines to call, I felt so incredibly empty and sad that I felt that those things wouldn’t help.

Being suicidal is probably one of the worst emotional feelings ever. You feel like you’re trapped in a hell hole of darkness with 0 light to guide you out. You feel like nothing will ever help. That nobody cares about you. And when you start thinking these things over and over again, your mind will start believing it’s true.

That’s why when I see the following comments:

“Wow why would they kill themselves when they had the perfect life: money, mansions, cars and a great job.”

I get infuriated. You think that money, houses and fancy cars = happiness? You think that tangible objects that are attached to a high price tag = a life worth living for? Fuck you if you think that.

Life is worth more than the tangibles that society has equated to “living the good life.” No. A “good life” is one that is surrounded by people you love and care about. A “good life” equates to a strong emotional attachment to these people, to your passions and to the life you live. It’s about appreciating more than what’s at face value on Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter and Facebook.

Now I’m not saying suicidal people don’t have emotional attachments to friends, family, passions and all that stuff. Rather, they are too far down in the depression rabbit hole to see why that stuff matters to them (at least, this is what I thought of when I used to be suicidal).

So for example, when I was suicidal I would think of the following:

If I was gone, I wouldn’t eat my favorite food anymore, which is spaghetti and meatballs.

Who cares.

If I was gone, I wouldn’t see my friends, family or my boyfriend anymore.

Who cares, they’ll eventually get over it.

If I was gone, I wouldn’t play my favorite video game anymore, which is World of Warcraft.

Who gives a shit.

This is just to give you an idea of what I thought about at the time. It doesn’t matter what you would have said to me, it would have been like talking to a zombie who was no longer a thinking, feeling being anymore (aside from feeling sad all the time).

So stop presenting suicidal people with a platter of “Oh won’t they miss XYZ” because none of it matters when you are on that level of depression. All it shows me is ignorance and a lack of understanding to this kind of mentality.

I was too scared to call hotlines or to seek therapy

On another note, stop arbitrarily handing out hotline numbers like it’s your actual phone number.

It feels so fucking baseline and empty, like people are just doing it because “it’s the right thing to do.”

How about taking the time to understand the core of suicide? How about doing some goddamn research on this mental illness so we can all be more well-educated and more well-researched on this rising cause of death? How about developing emotional attachments to your friends, family and coworkers instead of staring at your fucking phone all the time?

Besides, people who struggle with depression and suicide aren’t idiots. They know that hotlines exist. They know that they “aren’t alone” and that many people also suffer from the same things. But it doesn’t actually help.

You really think by posting “You’re not alone. Get help. Call this number” that suddenly the depressed/suicidal victim will think “Oh wow holy shit I never knew I could theoretically get help for how I feel.”

On a separate note:

I don’t know about other suicidal folks, but for me personally, I was too scared to actually call hotlines or seek therapy.

Why?

Because of imprisonment. I’ve heard far too many stories about getting arrested and tossed in some mental asylum for having suicidal thoughts. I was too scared of my phone being tracked for hotlines, too scared of my future therapist throwing me under the bus and too scared to trust anyone.

Once again, even if you might think “No you’re wrong,” you have to understand that these are thoughts from an ex-suicidal person.

Try seeing it from their perspective for a change.

I didn’t want the risk of being thrown into some mental asylum for who knows how long. I didn’t know who to talk to and who to trust because, well, what if they call the police on me?

I would have rather walked around with a smile on my face, pretending that everything is fine and dandy, rather than risk showing even a tiny glimpse of my depression to anybody and everybody.

And that’s exactly what suicidal people do, for the most part.

Most of them walk around like nothing is ever wrong. In my opinion, it’s extremely difficult, if not impossible, to distinguish a suicidal person from a regular person, no matter how well you know them. It’s like making 2 clones of the exact same person, with the exact same personality and saying “Guess who’s the real John Smith.”

That’s why I was so great at hiding my feelings to everybody. Because I was not only ashamed, but I also didn’t trust anybody. I didn’t want to be thrown into a mental asylum.

See and that’s part of the problem.

Society paints hotlines and therapy like it’s Candyland for people.

But we all know what goes behind closed doors.

It’s practically jail for mentally-ill folks where you’re trapped in another hell hole that you can’t leave unless you prove you’re sane again.

And if you’re smart, you’ll “fake” that you’re ok just to get out again.

It’s no wonder people are too scared to pick up the phone or talk to a friend.

So stop throwing hotlines and therapy clinics around like it’s the be-all-end-all solution.

This is a real fucking problem that needs to be addressed and more importantly, understood by EVERYBODY.

Stop saying suicide is selfish, it doesn’t help

Here’s another aggravating comment I see all the time:

“Suicide is so selfish, why would people take their own life to leave behind their friends, family and kids.”

Clearly, these people have never experienced what real depression and suicidal thoughts are like.

Because if they have, they would immediately understand.

It kind of goes back to the first point I made. NOTHING HELPS.

The will to live becomes the most mundane, physically-exhausting chore you can possibly imagine. Friends, family and even kids can’t usually change that.

The pain of existing was so great, so paramount compared to the so-called “joys” of life, that there felt no reason to live anymore.

You know what is selfish?

Saying things like “Why did Anthony Bourdain have to kill himself? Now I can’t look forward to watching my favorite food-related TV shows.”

“Now I can’t look forward to anymore fashion designs from Kate Spade.”

“Now I can’t look forward to anymore rock music from Chester Bennington.”

Being upset that your favorite icon committed suicide because it doesn’t benefit YOU anymore is pretty much the definition of selfishness.

Now, everybody has their own reason for being suicidal. Mine was the following:

I have too many problems. Too many bills to pay and not enough money to do so. I have too much stress with nearly no friends to talk to. Maybe it’ll just be easier if I wouldn’t have to deal with all of this anymore.

And if you’re thinking “Suck it up sister, we all have bills to pay with no money, yap yap yap.”

Shut the fuck up.

You, whoever you are that ignorantly yaps like a damn chihuahua, have 0 idea what you’re talking about and you’re part of the problem.

Let me put this into perspective:

I equated life stress with the pain of existing. It was literally PAINFUL to exist. Do you understand what that means? Can you even comprehend what that feels like?

When I would wake up, I felt physically sick that I was alive again. That I would have to rinse and repeat the mundane cycles of life. That I was once again presented with my life stress factors that would never, ever go away.

Until you’ve walked a day in the life of a suicidal person, you’ll never truly understand their mentality, their perspective, and their own way of life.