Moving Beyond Small Talk to Smart Conversations
Tags: Growth, Personal Development, Self Improvement, Life Lessons, Programming

7 Ways to Start a Conversation and Build Meaningful Connections at Work

These seven ways will guide you on how to have effective conversations at work that don’t involve small talk and add value to work without making you feel uncomfortable.

1. Ask questions that get the other person talking

People like to talk about themselves. A question framed with the right mix of curiosity about the person and their work can be a great way to start a conversation.

“Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival-to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated. When you listen with empathy to another person, you give that person psychological air. And after that vital need is met, you can then focus on influencing or problem solving.” — Stephen R. Covey

While waiting for a meeting to get started, you notice Jon, who works in the analytics department. This is a great opportunity for you to connect with a person from another unit by asking, “Hi, Jon. I’m […] from […]. I’ll be working with your team to integrate our product with the new analytics system. Being the chief architect of the new system, you might be the perfect person to share the key highlights of your product. I’m curious to know what went into designing it.”

A new product manager Keith joins your team. Make that first impression count by asking, “Hi, Keith. I’m […]. I work on […]. What excites you about product management?”

Your boss’s boss, Julia, is in the elevator. Don’t miss the chance to connect by saying, “Hi, Julia. I’m […] from […]. We’re working on this new product […] that I’m excited about. You shared some great insights about our last product. Curious to know what you think about this one.”

Asking open-ended questions that show an interest in another person’s point of view and give them a chance to speak about themselves or their experience is a great way to start a conversation.

2. Do more listening and less talking

Epictetus, a great Greek Stoic philosopher said, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

Great conversations require the right balance between talking and listening. Active listening, though difficult, is the most effective medium to communicate and form a connection that inspires the other person to open up and share what they really think and feel.

“If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments .” — Dale Carnegie

Start the conversation by asking the right question, but then listen intently to the other person with the desire to learn more about them. People can see when we’re genuinely curious and when we’re faking it.

Hijacking the conversation by speaking too much or shifting the focus of the discussion and making it about us can instantly kill the conversation.

3. Don’t engage with a victim mindset

Don’t start a conversation by putting someone or something in a bad light — our boss sucks, this is a crap presentation, this meeting is a waste of time, and so on.

It may be tempting to talk to others about things that you dislike or things that aren’t going so well for you with the assumption they feel the same way, but approaching a conversation with a victim mindset is the worst way to connect with someone.

It makes you look like a complainer and doesn’t give an opportunity for the other person to speak much.

Talking to people with a negative frame of mind can turn them off and cause them to avoid you in future interactions.

Take this advice from Olivia Fox:

“Aim to keep your questions focused on positive subjects because people will associate you with whatever feelings your conversation generates. Focus on questions that will likely elicit positive emotions. With your questions, you have the power to lead the conversation in the direction you want.”

Look for positive things to talk about that add personal value to you and the other person.

4. Know your boundaries

Different people are open to different levels of talking and sharing. Know when your question is getting too personal or making the other person uncomfortable.

Also, having a difference of opinion isn’t the same as imposing it. Share your disagreement but in a manner that doesn’t seem like an attack.

Starting a conversation with “This is wrong. I don’t agree with it …” will make the other person defensive.

However, if you start with the curiosity to understand them first by asking, “Tell me more why you think this way,” they’ll be more open to your disagreement when you share it later by saying, “My opinion is […]. What do you think about it?”

5. Accept vulnerability

Brené Brown talks about excruciating vulnerability. She says:

“It’s the idea that for connections to happen, we need to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.”

People feel shameful when they don’t know something and instead of showing curiosity to learn about it, they pretend to know the subject and nod in agreement. Such superficial conversations are pointless and don’t lead to building trust and connection.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not or pretend to know something you don’t. Accept you don’t know and say, “Oh, I don’t know about that. What’s that?”

Accepting vulnerability is the most powerful means to start a conversation and to build a long-lasting connection.

Start a conversation by asking, “I don’t know much about […]. Can I pick your brain to learn more about it?”

6. Keep it simple

We overcomplicate things in our mind by overthinking and obsessing about the perfect question and then end up killing the idea to talk to the person when we can’t seem to find one.

Conversations don’t always need a perfect start. We need to get started somewhere and then give it a direction.

When nothing else comes to mind, asking simple questions like these can get the conversation flowing:

What’s interesting about your work?

What keeps you busy?

What are you learning these days?

Who has had the biggest influence in your life?

What practices do you follow for continuous improvement?

What new skills are you focusing on?

What’s your advice on […]?

I am curious about […]. What resources do you recommend on this topic?

7. Be present

In today’s world, with a constant stream of distractions all around us, it’s difficult to choose a human connection over a digital one. But conversations where we’re constantly distracted don’t add value. Great conversations require us to be present, both mentally and physically, in the moment.

Celeste Headlee says, “We got all that terrible advice (that) we got to look someone in the eye and nod your head and say ‘uh huh.’ (It’s) just teaching you how to pretend you are paying attention — and that’s totally unnecessary if you are paying attention!”

And Olivia Fox talks about being fully present: “The ability to be fully present makes you stand out from the crowd; it makes you memorable. When you’re fully present, even a five-minute conversation can create a wow effect, as well as an emotional connection.”

Stop looking at your phone, and actually start paying attention to the person right next to you. Start a conversation by committing to being present instead of giving in to distractions.

Work life can be more meaningful if we can learn to connect with all the interesting people around us. Conversations that go beyond small talk into the desire to understand and learn from each other can be a powerful source of energy.