I needed a “lifequake” to let myself take a break
By: Fulya K Taskin
Tags: Sabbatical, Meaningful Work, Life Lessons, Covid Diaries, Career Change

My father Tastan with my daughter Defne, August 2018

At the beginning of the pandemic, when none of us knew what was going on in the world, my parents and a week later my grandparents were diagnosed with Covid 19. They were hospitalized; 10 days later, I lost my father on April 2nd and then my grandparents consecutively in the following 15 days. My mother survived Covid yet we all found ourselves in a huge trauma that may last forever.

I went to my hometown to take my mother out of the hospital, deliver her the devastating news on our losses and help her recover. I stayed there for twenty days before returning home.

Even after what I have been through, I couldn’t stop. I went straight back to work after my arrival at home, kept on working in my full time HR leadership role, which became even more intense during remote working. Although I was told to take it easy, I couldn’t help, but work all day without a break, tearing myself down. This went on for three months, until the day I had a nervous breakdown during a two hour long Zoom meeting. We were discussing about the organization of a Zoom talent session, which was to be followed by another Zoom session to conclude the previously held Zoom sessions.

I remember staring for a minute and saying “What am I doing here? What are we all doing here?”

I suddenly remembered the facetime video call I had with my father the night before he was intubated, from which he never woke up. He looked tired and very sick, but not like he was going to die anytime soon. Neither of us had a clue that he was going to die anytime soon.

My father died because of a deadly pandemic, so did numerous others. I didn’t know if I was going to survive myself. I didn’t know what would happen to me the other day. Then what the hell was I doing there?

All of a sudden, everything seemed so meaningless. I felt breathless for a moment. I decided to immediately talk to my manager. Without putting too much thought in it, I asked for a two-month-sabbatical; to grieve, to reflect, to stop. Just to stop.

My request got accepted. There I was with my two-month-sabbatical at hand.

But there was a problem. I didn’t know how to stop. I had never stopped since I graduated from high school. Running from internships to extracurriculars, hobby clubs to language courses, I didn’t stop for a minute. Stopping meant ambiguity and I hated ambiguity. I wanted control over everything. Ironically, the pandemic was a crash course on my inability to do that.

I obviously needed a lifequake, a wakeup call to stop and say ‘what am I doing?’ for the first time in my life.

There wasn’t a major problem at the surface. But inherently something didn’t feel right. I didn’t have that hunger and desire towards my job anymore. I felt I was running out of the energy I needed to go that extra mile. I felt I no longer belonged to that team or to that story.

What did I truly want and truly need? Why haven’t I asked those questions to myself before? What kept me from shouting out my feelings louder or leaving a story to which I no longer belonged? What stopped me?

Me. Nobody else but me.

My own shoulds and coulds. Fear of failure outside of my comfort zone. Anxiety to be vulnerable. Lack of self-confidence to start something new. They have altogether stopped me.

“The best way out is always through.” Robert Frost

The sabbatical gave me room to look through myself but it wasn’t easy at first. I had to convince myself that I wasn’t being unproductive. I was taking some time off to look at things with a fresh pair of eyes. And there was nothing wrong with being unproductive for a while. Or grieving. Or doing nothing. It was ok to just stop and let go.

It took me two months, four books, ten podcasts, long walks and countless discussions with loved ones to get to the point where I was clear about one thing: I needed something new in my life. A new place to work, a new purpose to work towards, a new ambition to wake up to in the morning and a new me.

After the sabbatical, I decided to leave my company, with no other job offer, no strategic business plan or plan B at hand. As Mandy Hale said “I trusted the wait, embraced the uncertainty, enjoyed the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible.”

The day after I resigned, I started to get contacted by headhunters. There were many other roles out there for me if I wanted to go back to corporate life. Such a relief. I held on to my desire to work independently for a while, hence contacted my network to let them know that I was going to start working as a freelance consultant. The next day I had three projects at hand. A very big relief. Two weeks later, another freelance consultant invited me to his HR training sessions as a co-trainer, honoring my knowhow on the subject matter. Relief continued. One month later, our roads crossed with a successful start-up, coincidentally at a time when I was very much interested to get to know the start up ecosystem. Relief at its best, in fact gratitude.

As one door closed, many others opened

It has almost been nine months since our losses. I have understood that the pain will never cease, but I will learn to live with it, giving myself room to embrace it.

I feel like I am at the “sharing” stage of my life; I have a huge desire to share all the knowledge and experience I have to help others succeed and to work towards a purpose that will change the world. More simply put, I want to have a visible impact on the world to feel happier and more productive.

With this motivation, I have started working for the start up I have mentioned, Meditopia, to be part of a team which thrives to end the ever growing mental crisis in the world.

In line with my personal purpose of being the wake up call to those who are in search of themselves, I have received my Gestalt Coaching Certification and just started practical coaching.

I am searching for opportunities where I can mentor university students to help them with their career choices or preparation towards professional life.

I am thankful to the experience of becoming a new me. I am still not at the destination, actually not even close, yet I am learning to enjoy the journey and have more trust in myself.

What have I learned from my own story?

As I look back on my own story, I remind myself of these 5 key take-aways:

Find your purpose and always remember it. Garnish it with your personal values, needs and wants. Choose a job and a workplace that serve your purpose and values. As Mo Willems suggests “If by any chance you find yourself in a wrong story, leave.” Do not hold on to your comfort zone or your strengths for too long. They may have served you well until now and may not be serving you anymore. Let them go and look out for your development areas. May be painful at first, yet rewarding. Like Rumi said: “Your wounds are where light enters”. Let that light enter. Spare time for yourself and your loved ones. Work out and meditate. Walk, talk, listen, dance, read, watch, do whatever you feel is right for you, at that moment. Stop running around with hands full of tasks; take it easy and be present. Be accessible to your family at all times, or else you’ll regret the calls you missed, because you were too busy. If you are in HR or managing a team, keep a special eye on those going through such lifequakes. Remind yourself that those, who are suffering a trauma, are very likely to have a mindset shift right after. Their understanding of a meaningful life and work may change remarkably. Look around to those who lost a loved one, suffered from a deadly disease or got divorced. Ask them how they are doing. Ask them what they need. Hold them tight during these times and make sure you give them enough room to stop. Remind yourself of the famous Buddha saying: “Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that and all will be well.” That being said, don’t take yourself, others or life too seriously. Try to have fun and enjoy the ride!

With sincere gratitude to the loved ones we lost, who are still shedding light on to us…