How The Book of Proverbs Helps Me Manage My Anger
By: Haiku Love Bites
Tags: Self Improvement, Religion, Life, Spirituality, Life Lessons

Photo by nrd

How The Book of Proverbs Helps Me Manage My Anger

Bible wisdom — essential life strategies

Anger is a part of me, always has been. For as far back as I can remember I’m fighting either internal or external battles. And battle may be a strong word but that’s the way it feels to me. It’s a hero’s journey, a quest to slay the dragon and live happily ever after.

There is this undercurrent of anger below the surface, waiting to rear up like a hungry shark. And after decades since that first 4-year-old candy tantrum, it is still as predictable as ever.

Anger is the easiest option. When I’m overcome with vulnerable emotions, a quick burst of anger gives me the illusion of power and control. Anger feels very powerful, it gets the blood racing, adrenaline rockets, and muscles are pumped. But the truth is I am showing signs of weakness and biased sensitivity. It’s my escape route, the quickest way to bring a situation to a head. A nuclear option. It allows me to ignore the responsibilities and consequences that may arise, and also mask fragile emotions.

Dealing with my anger is one of the most overwhelming aspects of being a human being. I’m on one of three roads: trying to dismiss and lock-down my anger; am unaware of my feelings (the irritations and frustrations leading up to angry episodes, the triggers); or it’s too late, and I’m expressing and acting angry, in an irrational and explosive way. And by the way, telling me to calm down doesn’t help. All three roads (plus unhelpful advice) lead to worse situations. To stay mentally healthy I need another way.

Being an expert in angry, I noticed that health professionals continued to avoid confronting my anger head on. It was the large angry elephant in the room. They choose instead to try to give me drugs to calm me down, or somehow rationalize my anger away. That made me feel irrelevant and it didn’t help when they avoid at all costs, in calling it a mental disorder. I have an anger disorder, if I can say it, they need to be able to say it too, if they want to help the millions out there in the same boat.

If I don’t address my anger at the root, I harbor resentment or bitterness, that can grow into hatred. And the more I ignore my anger the less I can avoid aggressive or angry outbursts. Chronic repression or suppression of anger is as useless as it is dangerous. I discovered that the more I accept my anger, and view it as natural as breathing, then I can manage it better. If I acknowledge my anger, and provide it with a space where it is a valid and essential human emotion then I can move forward. This opens the door for me to express it in more creative and constructive ways. Anger is unavoidable, but not always negative, as it has it’s useful purposes too.

But when anger rises like a giant wave, there’s not much I can do to stand in its way. All those, count to ten, take deep breaths, think of something nice, move away from the cause solutions to calm my anger get thrown out of the window! The chemical tsunami in my body that triggers my anger isn’t having any of that self-talk. There’s no time. It takes a split second to ignite the anger fire that engulfs all logic and reason. And unfortunately, logic and reason do not have a hope of helping me in moment. Like there’s no stopping a pang of excitement, or the butterflies of seeing a lover, or the fear of a lion attack. It’s a primal emotion, and lightening quick.

I cannot stop my anger. It’s not possible for me. And that’s after years of trying many different theories and solutions. But I am better at managing my anger. I look at it like white water rafting. I am the canoe and paddle, trying to avoid the rocks, with a little directing and synchronizing I can adapt myself to the waves of adversity.

I have played sports all my life and my preparation before any activity helped me to perform better. I managed to play at a high level and I like to think that it was the preparation beforehand that provided me with both higher performance and better safety. It also allowed me to stay fit for longer, and reduced the number, intensity, and seriousness of any injuries I had.

To manage my anger I found that preparation was useful here too. There were some fundamentals and basic issues that I needed to address. It’s something you all are aware of, but important and needs to be said all the same. I need to maintain good physical health: a good diet, quality sleep, exercise, balanced stress levels, and avoid drugs and stimulants. And on an emotional and spiritual level, a safe and secure environment, a circle of good friends and family, and faith are basic requirements. Getting all these up and working in an efficient way is difficult enough as it is, without being hindered by unstable emotions.

But as I work on getting the fundamentals together, I can continue to use Bible wisdom, and especially the book of Proverbs to help me manage my day to day life. These for me are like the expert paddle handler guiding my canoe. A twist here, a turn there and I ebb and flow gracefully down an otherwise dangerous path.

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger Proverbs 15:1

I have a choice when I interact with anyone. Be they a friend or foe, liked or disliked, I can choose to either use neutral words and actions or ones that are likely to provoke and inflame the situation. Proverbs 15.1 guides me reply soft answers and avoid harsh words. A “soft answer” is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of wisdom. I am guided to speak the truth in soft tones, like a late night radio DJ’s voice. Not to fast and high-pitched to lose your sleep or too slow and soothing to put you to sleep. My choice of words and the way I handle my body are important in ensuring the my message is crystal clear. So I watch for flapping arms, shaking heads, and angled facial expressions. If I say one thing but my body sends different messages I am being untruthful or just sarcastic. A sure way to keep the anger fire stoked and burning bright.

A quick-tempered man acts foolishly, and a man of wicked intentions is hated

Proverbs 14:17

If I act on my anger or when I’m angry it only leads to bad decisions and worse situations. I need to be aware of the ongoing irritations and frustrations in my life. If they move onto anger then I will say and act with the wrong intentions.

Not too long ago I had moved into a new neighborhood. The quiet street was lined with decades old trees. Each apartment had manicured front gardens and balconies. Not long after I moved in, an unknown person I assumed was a neighbor, had taken a chainsaw and butchered the beautiful trees outside my apartment. My anger was so intense and immediate as I reached home from a hard days work, that I was ready to explode. As I looked around only the trees to the left and right of our block had been cut back to the trunk. This only made be more angry. How dare they cut the trees without talking about it first. Who did it? Why? The self-talk pushed me to fever-pitch, and I was pacing up and down waving my arms over my head and shouting in all directions.

My wife, thankfully, has a different approach. She listened to me ranting and raving about how I would do this and do that, and no one will get away with this, it’s a crime after all. She told me to wait and she’ll ask the neighbors in the morning (because I had spent most of the evening complaining it was time to sleep). That night we didn’t get any sleep. And not for the reason you think. We didn’t sleep a wink because a ferocious storm hit in the early hours.

The result was catastrophic. When I ventured outside, I saw cars under trees, branches in apartment windows, buildings without a roof, downed power lines and litter everywhere. It was carnage. It took many days to clean up and repair the damage of that storm. And one I will not forget, for obvious reasons. But one thing that did not escape my notice, was how little damage the apartments that had the trees ‘butchered’ had taken. It wasn’t too long before my rage to dissolved in calm waters, replaced with gratitude and thanks toward the mystery chainsaw carrier.

I try not to act on anger or when I feel that my intentions are not for the greater good. I like to write things down on paper when I’m angry. I write out the way I feel and why. When I’m angry it seems like the whole world has stopped and only that situation is important. But it when I look back at what I’ve written it looks and feels trivial when I reread it later. But if I find an angry thought does not go away, then it is identified as important and I make sure I address the causes immediately.

Recurring anger is useful as it highlights problem areas that I need to act on. It may be to do with my health, anger can motivate me to start exercising. If I see an injustice, I am provoked into helping myself or others. The point on Proverbs 14.17 is that I don’t act in the heat of anger, and above all, I must always act with and be clear on my intentions, before I do anything.

The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression

Proverbs 19:11

My discretion, doesn’t mean I am judge and jury. It’s a choice to act or react. If I act I’m aware of my surroundings and feelings, and choose learned options. If I am reacting, then I am no longer choosing options, there is only one option when reacting. You say this I say that. You do this I react to that. Tit for tat and it goes on until there is a breakdown or breaking point in communication. To slow everything down gives me the time to contemplate and run scenarios before I turn to anger as an option. If at the first sign of a transgression or mistake I resort to angry reactions, then I will committing my own mistake. The glory or my power is a path I can take, it is a path to mercy and compassion. I don’t condone the transgressions, I am given a choice to either show forgiveness or anger. One path leads to glory, and the other doesn’t.

The bloodthirsty hate the blameless, but the upright seek his well-being

Proverbs 29:10

I have to understand my anger and what the triggers are. But also I have to understand the anger of others and their triggers too. It is pointless standing toe to toe with someone who I disagree with and argue who is right. There will never be a conclusion other than more anger and it will leave only hate. The haters will always hate, that’s what they do. When motivated anyone can and do hate unknown and blameless people. There is no future here, other than more hate. If I want to connect with and connect people to solutions for problems, then my intentions must seek everyone's well-being. Is it not a human right that we all live in well-being?

The Universal Declaration of Human Rights (1948), Article 25.1 states that: “Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of himself and his family, including food, clothing, housing and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond his control.”

Before I turn to anger and start to blame people I know or do not know, I must see the bigger picture, and that means that they are living with equal standards of well-being. There are many unseen reasons for a person’s current status, and blaming and criticizing them, will not help.

It helps me to know (and thus less angry) if there is a common goal. One that I can contribute toward and collaborate on, to seek friends not enemies. Proverbs 29:10 reads more like mission statement, a purpose for life itself. Stop blaming and getting angry at others, instead work toward providing everyone with basic well-being.

If you stay calm, you are wise, but if you have a hot temper, you only show how stupid you are

Proverbs 14:29

This is not a subtle line, but it is clear and to the point. To stay calm, as I mentioned before, I like to write down the things that I’m angry about. This works for the most time but getting help is also essential to help with anger management. Sometimes I seek professional help and it is greatly appreciated. But I also talk with family and friends (if they’re not the one causing the anger). When I have a recurring anger trigger, then writing about it may not help me. I have to talk to someone. There is magic in being able to talk to someone about something I am angry about, while being calm. It makes me chuckle that I can talk about it without the anger being present. This alone empowers me to view my anger as one that is just a chemical reaction, one which I have the power to increase or decrease the intensity of.

I cannot get rid of anger, but I can use its energy elsewhere. I cannot control my anger, but I can let it flow through me and charge my actions. I cannot repress or ignore my (or others) anger, as it will blow up somewhere else in life, but with awareness I can stay calm and help look at the causes and problems. With a foundation of faith, and wisdom from Proverbs, I can see anger is a normal and healthy human emotion. The earlier I use my faith as a pillar, the faster I can build a healthy relationship with my emotions. This in turn, gifts me greater abilities to adapt to life’s white waters.