This is Why Calling a Woman “Ma’am” to Show Respect Might Actually Piss Her Off
By: Susan Poole
Tags: Self Improvement, Self-awareness, Women, Confidence, Aging

This is Why Calling a Woman “Ma’am” to Show Respect Might Actually Piss Her Off

One small word can make a woman feel light-years older.

Photo by Brandon Lee on Unsplash

I was raised to address adults using “Sir” and “Ma’am” as signs of respect. But now that I’m older and arguably wiser, I’m usually not pleased when the latter of those nouns is directed at me.

Take for instance a recent charity golf outing where I was asked to drive the beer cart around the course. The event coordinator chose me because I’m “fun” and “energetic” — her words, not mine — which would hopefully translate into bigger tips and more money for the charity.

I cruised around that country club with a cooler full of beverages, music blaring from my iPhone, and a giant smile plastered across my face. It was a chilly but gorgeous fall day and I couldn’t have felt more alive, happily helping to raise money for a cause close to my heart.

Until I came upon a foursome of young twenty-somethings. Unbeknownst to them, they successfully quashed my enthusiasm, extinguished my mojo, and burst my bubble with one single word.

I approached their cart with lots of zeal, honored their request to “crank the tunes” once they heard U2 playing through my phone, and exchanged a pair of Bud Lites for a twenty-dollar bill. I thanked them for their generosity and turned to drive away when one of the boys called out to me, his words an abrupt sucker punch to the gut.

“Thanks, Ma’am!”

In a split second, my young, vibrant and carefree mood gave way to a darker more dismal feeling. When those boys looked at me, they clearly didn’t see what I felt inside. My youthful self was somehow camouflaged by an older, aging exterior. The truth hurts.

In the timeless words of Mark Twain, “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

How much I minded that afternoon caught me by surprise. I’ve never been one to dwell on age. It’s just a number. I take good care of myself and try to live life to the fullest. I even started a new career at the age of 50, truly believing that it’s never too late to stop chasing your dreams. So, a quick comment by a young adult who could have been one of my own children shouldn’t have bothered me. But it did. Enough so that weeks later I’m sitting here at my keyboard and writing about it.

Do most women feel this way about the word “ma’am” or am I just overly sensitive?

Are we so inundated with messages about defying age that feeling good about our physical selves past a certain point eventually becomes impossible without measures like Botox, fillers or plastic surgery?

And around what age do most people seriously start measuring themselves according to an unreasonable standard?

Reflecting back on my wedding over thirty years ago, I remember my husband’s grandmother refusing to dance with him at our reception. She had always been very involved in his life, and he desperately wanted her to join him on the dance floor that evening. But no amount of begging and pleading could overcome the excuses she gave. He was hurt, and I recall thinking it was terrible. Weeks later, we learned that the reason she refused the dance is because she felt uncomfortable being the oldest woman in the room, surrounded by all the “young and beautiful people” — her words, not mine.

Back then, I didn’t really understand. Now I can at least empathize with how she must have been feeling. She wasn’t being selfish, just brutally honest. It sucks to step aside and watch the next batch of young women graduate into the spotlight. Plain and simple. But our mothers did it, and our grandmothers before that. And so on…and so on…and so on.

But just because my turn as a teenage girl, a young professional and a new mother are behind me now, doesn’t mean I’m ready to sit out the next dance.

No matter how hard we try to stay youthful in both spirit and appearance, time moves forward and takes its toll. Life can be difficult, and the longer we live, the more scars we’ll have to show for it. Even when we embrace the benefits of aging by focusing on the wisdom it brings, it’s not always easy looking into the mirror to find that the face staring back doesn’t match the feelings inside.

The physical signs of aging aren’t always the worst of it either. I actually feel my oldest when reflecting on the things about this current generation that shock me.

My stomach turns at the lyrics of WAP by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion and how such a crude song can reach Number One on the Billboard charts.

I cringe at commercials about erectile dysfunction or wiping your backside ’til it’s Charmin clean.

And I have to bite my tongue when one of my daughters shows up wearing a bare midriff top with an entirely see-through skirt. Doesn’t anyone wear a slip anymore?

I realize how old I must sound now. The same way my parents and grandparents sounded in critiquing performing artists like Madonna and Ozzy Osbourne, mini-skirts and tube tops, and PG-13 movies when they first came out. I can recall my mother “tsking” her way through several TV programs when profanity and nudity were introduced to our household through cable television. It was funny then, maybe even a little annoying, but flash forward one generation and I’m the one raising my eyebrows at how far we’ve moved the needle.

One of my favorite quotes about aging comes from an anonymous source. “Don’t regret growing older. It’s a privilege denied to many.”

That’s an important perspective to keep in mind. So, I’m trying my best to embrace the fact that I’m now eligible for membership in the AARP. With a positive attitude toward aging — no, let’s say “maturing” instead — it can be possible to focus on the good rather than the bad.

But I still can’t promise that I won’t wind up my pocketbook or swing my cane at the next young whippersnapper who calls me “Ma’am.”