Justice
By: Jacqui Leeann Smith
Tags: Rape, Bib, Justice, References, Testimony

If you know me, then you know how hard it is for me to operate outside of the Black-and-white realm. Everything has a guideline, a box, or a cube, and there are about zero things that can dwell inside of the gray area.

It’s in everything; whether literary, tangible, or thought process, things have to belong where they belong! And if you’re like me, then you know how challenging day-to-day jobs can be. “Why isn’t Stacy sending these files at a prompt 12:00 p.m.? Why isn’t Trevor following the checklist like he’s supposed to? Why is there a miscellaneous section?!” The structure we have is where we thrive.

So, when I was reading through different parts of the Bible, I kept seeing irregularities. If God is so gracious and loving, then how come all of these women are getting raped?

Because, if God is all-knowing, all powerful, and ever present, then He should be able to swoop in, and stop these things from happening. I’m not going to lie, I was angry when I kept finding it over and over again. Like, COME ONE, these are supposed to be God’s people? Why are they having such a hard time keeping their hands to themselves? I saw it in Ruth, with the men who sheared sheaves, and then again in Judges with the chopped up concubine, and again in II Sam with Tamar being raped by her brother.

I was sick to my stomach. How could this be?

I took a break from the Bible, because I couldn’t do it anymore. There had to be an explanation somewhere for all of this!

It wasn’t until I was invited to take a Bible study with some of my local girls that something finally clicked. Really, I wasn’t keen on taking this Bible study. “I’ve seen the inside of that book, and it’s not pretty,” I’d think. “But, I can fake it. There’s lots of new girls that are going to be there, so I can be there for them.” If you’re black-and-white like me, then you understand that statement. We rarely are afforded the privilege of compromising. We fake-it-until-we-make-it A LOT.

“We’re doing ‘Breaking Free,’ by Beth Moore!” someone had said.

Cool.

We showed up, eating breakfast together, and getting cozy into the couches… most people present hoping that this would be something that truly transformed their lives. I was just hoping to make it through without rolling my eyes too much.

“I hope you learn something!” Beth was saying on the screen. “I hope that whatever it is holding you back that you see that God loves you! And He cares! And you can see through His Word that there is redemption and a life worth living!”

“Empty promises.” I could hear echo through my mind.

We talked for a few weeks, the girls and I. I was going through the motions of the homework, not really absorbing anything, until one lesson came across.

If you’re familiar with Beth Moore at all, you know that she was sexually abused as a child. She never goes into detail, but she tells it to you with the understanding that there can be a life lived even with the repercussions and damage that abuse can bring.

She gives us these verses:

Psalm 45:6–7

“Your throne, O God, is forever and ever; the scepter of righteousness is the scepter of Your kingdom. You love righteousness, uprightness, and right standing with God and hate wickedness; therefore God, Your God, has anointed You with oil of gladness above Your fellows.

The chapter continues on, saying how He loves women, and their place in the kingdom and the way that He dresses them with gold and covers them with jewels…

“This is… good.” I stoically thought. “He loves women. He treats them with respect. He takes care of them.”

And then, then… we got to the part that really faced child abuse.

And it was here, that I really felt like God was speaking.

She took us to Matthew Ch 18, and we could see the children coming to Jesus. The disciples were trying to shoo them away, so that the Teacher could be heard, and he scolded them.

He tells them that children are precious!

He gives His angels charge over them!

And then my Just Father, who hates sin and stands for righteousness tells them that He would rather a man drown himself than cause harm to a child.

Not only that, but in Lamentation 3:58–59 He tells everyone how He WILL repay the actions of wickedness.

He says in Genesis 34 that those who defile [the daughters of Israel] make Him very angry. He wants to rectify the situation.

If He took the time to tell us how wonderfully we were made in Psalm 139, why would we doubt our worth later?

Matthew Ch 10 tells us how we are worth more than many sparrows. Seems legit, right? Here’s the thing. He says He watches the sparrow rise, live, and die. He knows the birds and where they fly. He asks you right there, IF I KNOW THIS ABOUT ONE OF THE MOST INSIGNIFICANT BIRDS ON THE PLANET, and I tell you that I am intimately involved with all of the workings of your day, can’t you see how involved I am in getting to know you, even if you never get to know Me?

He can’t control the things that other people do to you, whether they’re good or bad. But it does say that He saves EVERY. SINGLE. TEAR. you cry in jars in Heaven, so He can keep record of the wrongs done to you.

Why would He care?

What makes this “God” so loving and caring and interested in me? Even after I’ve been raped and feel worthless? Even after I’ve been assaulted and was made to look like a liar? Even after that person couldn’t keep their hands or body off of my child self?

Shouldn’t He have been there?

He was.

He witnessed every second of it, and His heart was breaking for you then, as it does now. He can’t make the past right, but He can bind up the wounds of His beloved. In Isaiah, He tells you that He wants to give you the oil of joy, and beauty for your ashes.

“My ashes?”

Yeah, your ashes, or the way you cover yourself up to the outside world so that they can’t see your in pain every waking second.

When Tamar was raped by her brother, she covered her head in ashes, ripped up the dress she was wearing when it happened, and hid herself in her chamber. He counted her tears, and let her mourn the loss of her innocence.

Then, He wiped away her sorrow, cleaned her face, and gave her a new robe, and taught her how to look at herself again. This time, when she looked in the mirror, she didn’t see the damaged leftovers of a used up person…

But she saw herself as beautiful. And worthy. And accepted.

So girl, if this is you, and you’re like me, and you’ve been through this, and you struggle to see how God could let it happen….

Get up.

Know that God will not forget.

And He is waiting to teach you how to look at yourself with love again.

XOXO

Jax