What is the difference between proper introspect and self-pity? I think the answer is results.
By: Michael Baez
Tags: Personal Journal, Journal, Self Improvement, Journaling

The only real way to measure the futility of your thought patterns is to see the number of things that have changed around you. So at any point in which I feel like it might be indulgent to track my thoughts as long as I making progress towards the goals which I have laid out for myself then the act of thing about it can be at least justified. I’m not sure why I am worried about being conceited. I am conceited, there is no way to look at the world other than through a primarily selfish lens.

I’ve fallen in love with skateboarding as a metaphor for mastery of self and environment. Skate ollie-ing the six stair at House Park in Austin, Texas. -Michael Baez

The things that are good in the world are only good because they are for you. For me. If the only want to progress through the next 50 years is by debating myself into existence then I will do that. The alternative path of not considering my emotions has been a fun ride but after 4 or 5 years of it, I’m over it.

The obvious sorta or nihilism behind my personal outlook stems from a couple of things. Whatever awkwardness that I have internalized. I think being in the space I have for the last 3 days has given me some confidence that the world is as simple as I make it out to be.

There are rewards for giving up your time, and those rewards are undeniable safety and comfort. I have more food than I have had in the last 6 months at my disposal. It is weird to know that something that is such a simple resource for a powerful corporation is what helps me go to sleep at night. I think I will get used to being safe, or I will start to resent it. I will only resent it if I don’t do the things that I wanted to do before I started this job. WHICH IS ENTIRELY ON ME.

Okay so for the last couple of days I have been clunking out after work. This is a new routine and I think I will be okay for a couple of days to get used to it. I also pushed myself a little rough on rock climbing, which is an amazing activity of self-mastery/fitness. I think its something I would enjoy in the long run as a membership. But for now, I think I need to get more in shape in order to enjoy rock climbing more safely. Also, this amount of food has made me realize how much I wasn’t eating before I started this new job. Capitalism aye. I just couldn’t afford more than one shitty meal a day.

But that is fine now I need to work on the choices I have when I do decide to fuel my body at work. I want to continue to build the skill of self-control in more than one aspect of my life. Something like dedication, something like hard work, something like being smarter. Thinking on my own personal growth over the last year, I’m honestly disappointed.

There is something I can honestly proud of, me becoming a nicer person over the last year and half. I have definitely chilled out on my angst and aggression. Also, all my friends are a touch older and wouldn’t put up with me if I constantly streamed my aggression out of my face.

And I have become much more in tuned to when I might be more susceptible to that kind of mentality. I could call it blowing off steam when I am talking shit or I can call it being an asshole. Neither of those feels particularly good.

So there fine. I’ll be nice. But “being nicer” is more of a correct to normal than it is an ascendance of a goal. It is more like a sigh of relief than something to be proud of. Its progress and that is fine but, being an averagely good person isn’t the mark of worthy of some medal. But every other connection in my life besides this general nice has stagnated in terms of progress. So this process of writing and working out are just was to express my experience of the true tests.