I don’t like hugs
By: The Bumble Life
Tags: Boundaries, Mental Health, Friendship, Hugs, Relationships

I don’t like hugs

Why I sometimes have adverse reactions to being hugged

Photo by C.Valdez on Unsplash

The last few days, I have been very fixated on a particular incident involving a hug. This simple action has been very distressing to me. I realize now that much of it may have been a misunderstanding or miscommunication and have since calmed down but still, I want to explain why I felt these negative feelings after someone attempted to hug me.

Right now, we are in lockdown due to the coronavirus pandemic. We are in a time where human interaction is limited. It is natural for some people to seek human comfort. Some may feel negative feelings when something like a platonic hug is not reciprocated with support bubbles. Particularly to those who are struggling with the social effects of the pandemic. We can’t go out. It is harder to meet new people. There are limits to movement and fun. On top of this, it is winter which can have an effect on our mood...

...and the Christmas season with many of us unable to spend time with family members. Many relationships have taken the strain from distance or proximity/ limitations on normal activity. This said for me I still believe that I don’t actually owe anyone a hug no matter how close they are to me and this often isn’t due to a belief that they are some terrible person who are not worth hugging. It is much less rational than this and yet there is some rationality behind my personal behavior in this matter.

If you rewind to 3 or 4 years ago, I was a much less mentally stable person. I had my traumas and even though now, I am much happier there are still things that cause me distress. One big thing for me is that nowadays it takes a lot longer for me to trust someone enough to call them a friend and even if I consider someone a friend that still doesn’t mean I am ok with them crossing certain boundaries that I feel I must enforce for my own wellbeing.

The unfortunate thing is that my biggest trauma originated from how I was treated by people I considered friends. In particular cohesive behavior from a friend whose attention I rejected over a full year of living with them. Not just this but some of those friends did not treat me in a way that showed respect whilst I was going through the process of dealing with this trauma. This at the time only really served to make me distrust people, misunderstand what it is like to be respected and how to have healthy relationships. It also meant trying to find ways to protect me from the potential of disrespectful actions/ being taken advantage of should I feel in a vulnerable position.

Even though now I feel like my friend group is made up of much better people and that I am happy in a relationship.

Photo by Pete Willis on Unsplash

Even though I feel like I trust and care about my entire friend group there are still certain situations where I can feel vulnerable enough that the event/ action induces a trauma response or protective barrier against unwanted attention. I feel that some of this is irrational and maybe it is a bit over the top. An irrational panicking backed up into a corner response. A corner in which very few people can join me or comfort me. No amount of rationalizing that unwanted attention is safe will help me respond rationally. In fact, should someone continue wanting this interaction/ attempting to break the barrier with rationalizing I will attempt to protect myself even more. The best thing others can do is to leave me the space to get out of this corner that for whatever reason I have found myself in, especially if it was their actions that induced this fear response.

It is about consent and having that consent respected. As the thing is… I actually love hugs. I just need the right conditions and consent for me to actually feel safe enough to be ok with being hugged.

It can be difficult for anyone, especially when you’ve dealt with trauma to support others. Yet I find having felt this also makes me more empathetic to others. This means that often I find myself in the position where I am trying to support others. Add in a pandemic, a public-facing job, and attempting to enjoy a Christmas in a global pandemic and it can all be very stressful.

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

I feel like we should remember when we do seek comfort from within our support bubble to be mindful that perhaps our own needs are not always the needs of others. If what one person needs is space at a particular time that doesn’t reflect on you because people are not one-dimensional characters. We are complicated and have different needs and stresses. Some people may be distressed by the idea of human contact due to the virus while others may have trauma and sometimes the best way to comfort someone is to respect a boundary. Someone having a traumatic response doesn’t always mean that the person whose action caused the response is a terrible person and I realize that this must be hard because it’s not nice to feel that someone is hurting because of you. Sometimes the most helpful solution is space be it physical space, an alternative conversation or activity, or even just a bit of time to reset, calm down, and think.

This all said right now practically everyone has been affected in some way. For some it’s the lack of human interaction for some people like our retail workers ,it’s too much human interaction. There is fear and on top of this many people also carry other worries, problems, financial or relationship issues with them. It is not wrong to ask for help. There are also many mental health charities, helplines, mental health services, and doctors for those who are struggling. The only point I wish to make from this all is that we are not alone in our fears and hurts and sometimes we need to be mindful of the boundaries of others especially when we are supported by those in our friend groups.