Grab a Tissue Before You See Richard Simmons at 72
By: Simon Black
Tags: Celebrity, Hollywood, Humor, Satire, Aging

Grab a Tissue Before You See Richard Simmons at 72

Creative Commons License, photo No, by wsh1266

No, that’s not Richard at 72. That’s him 8 years ago. He’s even sexier now. But in order to see the photo, you have to undergo a certain ordeal — scrolling through the slides of this clickbait presentation, called “You’ll Be Shocked At How Old and Horrifying These Once Beautiful Celebrities Look Today.” Richard Simmons, on the other hand, is still sexy because he exercised so much. Exercise is magic and keeps you young and sexy, so what are you doing sitting here reading this? How about going for a jog, you lazy bum!

Why would you click on a story with that title?

It’s true, we all get older and lose that fresh-faced shine of youth. Maybe it’s nice to see that we’re not the only ones getting wrinkled by time. Misery likes company?

That’s a possible explanation. But psychologist Betsy Croaker has another idea.

“Human beings are sadistic,” she claimed. “Do you ever wonder why people slow down to look at traffic accidents — they’re hoping to see a bloody mess.”

And a bloody mess is what you will find when you scroll through these photos of beloved stars.

OK, it might be good old-fashioned sadistic fun seeing others fall victim to the ravages of time. But are you sure you want to look at this? There are some things you can’t unsee. Here are some of the most frightening ones that you might want to skip.

Katherine Ross

She was so sexy in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Remember the fake rape scene with Robert Redford? Yeah, that was fun. It really was another time when you could play a fake rape scene for comedy. Ha, those crazy seventies folks.

Well anyhow, she was pretty sexy back then when she was being fake raped, that’s fer sure. But get prepared, here comes a snap of what Katherine Ross looks like today. Jeesh!

Yeah, that fake rape scene is going to play very differently today if they film it. Sundance comes in and says he’s going to rape her because he too has survived a nuclear war and she’s the first female he’s seen since the explosion. Then she lights a cigar, trying to gross him out. But it turns him on. He grabs her. They smile — turns out they were lovers just playing out a rape fantasy! Ha! Those crazy post-apocalyptic kids!

Tom Jones

Remember him? He was the sexy singer with the Welsh accent, so sexy that women threw their undies onto the stage!

Well, take a look at him as an old man, Jeesh!

But he’s still pursuing the singing career, and lives forever with his wife in Transylvania. He tells us that his hobbies are hanging upside down and biting. And by the way, the Welsh accent is sexy as ever — “It’s not unusual to want to suck your blood,” he sang, to crack us up. I mean, I think he was joking. We got the hell out of there just in case.

What about people of color, do they age badly too?

Thank you for asking. Since this summer we clickbait article writers have become aware of our white privilege. It’s time that we included some BIPOCs in these kinds of slide shows. The problem, of course, is that old saying, “Black don’t crack.” Do African-Americans age better than whites? You be the judge.

Dihann Carroll

Remember the beautiful young star of Julia? Her name was Dihann Carroll and she played one of the first black female protagonists on TV. She was beautiful and inspiring to all. Now she just scares the shit out of people — take a look.

Yeah, I guess black does crack. And hair falls out, and you end up in the forest, and there are other scary-looking people behind you, and what can we say, getting old sucks no matter what ethnicity you are, I guess.

Well, congratulations!

You made it to slide 75 of this never-ending slide show, although it’s true that you haven’t made it to the photo I promised to show you of the sexy fitness guru Richard Simmons at 72.

Just 75 more photos to go, probably. There’s really no way of knowing. Maybe there are 750 photos in this presentation. The only way to find out is to keep clicking.

OK, next up it’s child actor who played Potsy on Happy Days. I wonder how horrible he looks today. Probably pretty horrible.

Alright, here we go. Brace yourself. Click NEXT.