How to kill chaos in relationships?
By: Jana Palcek
Tags: Communication, Boundaries, Relationships, Growth, Courage

Inside of us, everything is simple, its “hell yes or hell not”.

Then what complicates things is that we have needs which are not fulfilled and we start to compromise to have those needs met.

Alias situations and people are not black and white. “Good” people do nasty things if they feel in the corner or emotionally stretched and “bad” people do have plenty of great qualities. Confusing, right?!

This suggests that good and bad is an ineffective, vague label. Why? Mainly because it doesn’t help create a system in thinking.

System and progress need self-reflectiveness, definitions, clear preferences in values and facts; that’s where labels get handy.

Listen to yourself and then you will hear others.

For realising facts we need to be able to judge what we see and what is really happening. This helps us to see situations and people from satellite views instead of personal, which increases clarity and decisiveness.

Here we need to distinguish between judgmentalism and sensible judgemnt. The first is showing me where is my shadow; for instance, I mind your mini skirt because:

a)I am not at peace with my sexiness

b)jealousy

c)I’m judging your body

This is exposing my weak spots and I need to self-reflect and deal with it.

Judgmentalism is a waste of time if we don’t take a note and search for the reasons behind it. Also it makes us feel bad about ourselves deep inside.

Healthy judgment is simply being able to LABEL accurately what is happening, label emotions and actions. Seeing the difference between words and actions. Distincion is needed for us being able to take the best possible decisions.

LABELING, instead of JUST SEEING OR FEELING is essential.

“I feel bad” isn’t helpful, or constructive. ”I feel insecure when you don’t acknowledge me at the party,” is helping us to grow personally and as the relationship.

We need to LEARN to distinguish between those two types of judgments because it makes a whole difference in our next action.

For instance, your partner comes from work stressed and tired and starts to act temperamental with you. If you apply judgmentalism (I hate his behaviour) you may end up in the argument and later mixed emotions (anger, guilt, resistance, feeling undervalued ..).

This often creates a chaotic state of mind, likely ending up in creating excuses such as “he is stressed from work, I should be more patient”.. by now feeling guilty.

This approach is solving nothing, we are repeating circle.

The radical difference in result would be if we use sensible judgment, observing that partner is stressed and becoming temperamental.

We can simply state the FACTS for ourselves or out loud, we can say what we feel and observe. We can call on the tone of voice, body language and repeat partner’s words.

In my experience, the most effective is to mirror: “this is what you just said” copy voice and facial expression. The intention isn’t to blame or punish, rather bring awareness into patterns.

This can completely change dynamics in any relationship if it is romantic, family or working environment.

We simply need to set clear boundaries of what we need and will accept. This way we also inspire others to express themselves clearly, with us and in their other relations.

This way we are taking responsibility for our own needs.

By giving our self what we need, we grow trust in a self which will help us to give more trust to others and life itself.

So to get back to what complicates our relationships is often our fear of being alone. Not belonging or not having somebody who would take care of us in a time of need.

We are scared of setting boundaries because we fear the loss we could cause by expressing our truth.

The solution is in knowing self. Writing down our fears and facing the worse scenarios is the first step. Witnessing ourselves is the most powerful healing and growth.

For instance, did you discover that you need a hug? Hug yourself first, then you will stop needing it from others and ‘the energetical ease’ will simply create an abundance of hugs.

Those are some of the reasons why we recreate ‘CHAOS’ instead of reaching clarity, growth and joy - first within ourselves, then with others.

At some level we know that if we reach clarity we wouldn’t be able to stay in certain situations & relations, would we?