Do’s and Don’ts of Christmas Family Visits (Lock the Bathroom Door)
By: Nolan Yard
Tags: Christmas, Star Wars, Holidays, Family, Coffee

Photo by Artem Kniaz on Unsplash

1) Don’t bring up politics; discuss the beautiful weather instead.

2) Don’t get caught shaving your balls by your brother-in-law. This may be difficult, but remember to always push your bathroom door that doesn’t lock properly all the way closed. You have to hear the click. If the door doesn’t click, it’s not closed all the way. Make sure it locks so your Grateful Dead roadie of a ball sack won’t send unbidden seasons greetings to your family member who only wanted to take a piss.

3) Connect the coffee pot to the water filtration system of your fridge. This way there is a 24/7 supply of water for your in-laws, who brew coffee each hour and are up 24/7.

4) Don’t forget to go to Costco before everyone arrives for the holidays and buy their remaining stock of K-Cups.

5) Forget about paying a smidgen of attention to what’s on TV. It will just be white nose that everyone will talk over, as if it’s a karaoke background track but instead of Don’t Stop Believing the entire family is tangentially and incongruously voicing opinions on who they think this or that actor’s name is.

6) You will need to squat in the backyard, so review your outdoor survival book behind which you hide the extra bottle of whiskey. All bathrooms from December 15th forward will be occupied until the denouement of this godforsaken twin year.

7) You will run out of eggs on the daily. It is best to buy a second fridge for additional egg storage, even for just two weeks. (You can look into fridge return policies on your phone in the car where it’s quiet). Stock every shelf in this fridge with eggs, eggs, eggs. They will all be consumed soon.

8) At any one time, someone will be hungry. You will be hungry. Your mother-in-law will be hungry. Your wife will be hungry. Your brother-in-law will (always) be hungry. The cat starts waking you up an hour earlier to eat. The dog is waiting downstairs next to the coffee pot, expecting victuals before you even have a chance to put away the Viking-hoard of drying dishes from the day before.

9) On the rare occasion the white noise of the TV is off, it will be replaced with arguments of what is going to be watched next. When it is finally decided, it is now time to eat, again.

10) All packages are directed to your address. Fifty trips a day, minimum, will be taken to the mailbox.

11) On Christmas morning, your home smells like a Waffle House. Everyone is in the kitchen. There are waffles and pancakes everywhere — on the counter, in the sink, even in the cupboards. You go to sit down and find every kitchen chair is covered with a plate of breakfast variety. Did I mention you are now out of eggs?

12) You are so tired from the heavy meal and the fact someone forgot to turn off the blaring TV downstairs, which kept you up most the night. You attempt to nap on the couch; the throng of family have it jampacked. You get 30 seconds of snooze, pinned between your wife and the hard arm of the couch. The talking escalates to giddy Christmas-morning-level decibels. There is debate whether the first name of the actress in the movie Elf is Chloe or Brooke. Zoey you say with head sticking between cushions. “What?” everyone asks. You don’t reply.

13) Cacophony of riven gift wrap forces you to abandon your submerged snooze. Spirits are raised as you open the gift from your wife: noise-canceling headphones. You try them out for the next three hours.

14) After gifts, be prepared to do dishes for half a day. On the upside is your mother-in-law made so many eggs you now have leftovers to make breakfast for all of 2021!

15) It’s a miracle, everyone is napping this afternoon. Truly one of the holiest of days! You use this lull to skulk off to the hidden bottle of whiskey on the bookshelf. You tiptoe to not wake anybody. You feel like a kid again!

16) Your brother-in-law’s phone alarm blares, waking up everyone on the couch. It’s a miracle it didn’t go off sooner. For a young in-the-know tech junkie, he sure did miss the latest on turning off sound notifications. If it wasn’t the TV blaring downstairs, you were sure to lose sleep from the recurring beeps, whizzes, and whistles coming from the iPhone 10 in the guest bedroom.

17) Everyone is up; the eighth pot of coffee is brewing. Never forgo the chance at more coffee when family is visiting. It’s not that they’re exhausting; it’s that you love the taste.

18) There will be further argument on what to watch on TV on Christmas Day.

19) Christmas dinner is even grander than Christmas breakfast. You will debate hiring full-time kitchen staff for cleanup alone.

20) After dinner, you get the fire going in the fireplace and turn on the final episode of The Mandalorian. You have all been bonding over this show, and Christmas is ending. This year is (almost) finally over. At least there’s one thing you can all agree on: that baby Yoda brings you all to tears.