My Husband Will Never Know I Used to Own a Sex Doll
By: Jessica Wildfire
Tags: Relationships, Society, Sexuality, Love, Sex

She was my special little secret. I loved her. She was a brunette with blue eyes. We looked a like. It was kinky. I loved kissing her. I loved touching her. I loved lying beside her and letting my thoughts wander. Sometimes I just enjoyed dressing her and doing her hair.

There’s no need to ever tell my friends or family.

They just wouldn’t get it. They don’t have to. Sex doll owners don’t need anyone’s understanding or forgiveness, even if a little acceptance would be nice. The world still assumes there must be something wrong with us. They think we must be serial killers.

It’s been a while since I thought about my sex doll. Reading about pansexual bodybuilder Yuri Tolochko’s recent marriage brought back some memories. It also reminded me of the judgment I always lived in fear of, if anyone had ever found out about her.

Yuri doesn’t look too worried.

There’s no shortage of bedroom police.

The world is still full of sad, broken people who need to make themselves feel better by heaping judgment on everyone else, just for trying to live their lives and find their own happiness.

It’s time to set the record straight.

Owning a sex doll doesn’t make you crazy or dysfunctional. There’s a few reasons you might try it:

Sometimes you want to be left alone.

Years ago, I moved into a studio apartment with the plan of getting a PhD and working two jobs to support myself.

There wasn’t any time to date.

My last relationship had drained me dry. I didn’t want to develop feelings for anyone when I knew I’d be leaving in a few years, with no idea where I’d eventually end up. It made no sense.

So I bought a doll.

It’s not like I turned into a witch, living somewhere deep in the woods and never interacting with humans. I had friends. I went to bars. When I had a free weekend, I went to parties. Guys hit on me in public. I even had a couple of stalkers. Sometimes I had casual sex, but not often. I lived a normal, busy life with lots of quiet evenings in the library.

Sometimes you want freedom.

Here’s the truth about sex dolls. They’re the greatest toys you could ever buy. They’re expensive, but if you’re not too picky you can find them used online for a fraction of the original price.

That’s what I did. You just have to be careful, because plastic and silicone can harbor viruses.

A desire for personal space isn’t the only reason someone would buy a doll. Some people want a safe space to explore their sexuality. They might be bi-curious, or have fetishes they don’t feel like they can explore with anyone else. Sex dolls don’t care. They’re up for anything.

They’re cool like that.

Sometimes you want a story.

Some people do form emotional attachments to their dolls. They make up a relationship narrative, maybe to make it feel less strange. Personally, I never felt the need to give mine a name.

Some people introduce their dolls to their friends and families. They want everyone to treat their doll like a person.

That can be a tough conversation.

Nobody ever knew about mine. She was my secret. I never wanted to marry my doll, but I can’t say I never felt feelings for her. At the end of a long day, I was happy to see her. I took care of her.

It was some of the best sex I’ve had.

Some people have a doll fetish.

There’s a large and vibrant community of men and women who feel intense attraction to dolls. I’m one of them. Everyone has their kink. Some people like feet. Others like dressing up as Pikachu. Like every other fetish, we can’t explain it in a logical way.

We just do it. Okay?

You could say childhood trauma made it a little more difficult for me to establish meaningful relationships, but that kinda takes the fun out of it. In the end, I just like sex with dolls.

I like porn with dolls, mannequins, and robots. It turns me on more than vanilla sex, and I’m not ashamed of it.

You can still love people.

Some of us don’t choose dolls over conventional relationships. We do both. We move back and forth. Some couples incorporate dolls into foreplay. They use them when their partners are out of town.

Two years into my PhD, I did start dating someone despite my better judgment. He was a conservative Catholic, and I suspected my current lifestyle would be a point of tension. In short, I felt like I’d need to get rid of my doll. So I listed her online and sold her. (Tip: It’s best to sell locally if you can. That way you can just drop them off somewhere.)

Goodbye sex with my doll was a little sad.

Sometimes I miss her. I definitely miss her more than the guy I dumped her for. Despite a year of decent conversation and sex, we just weren’t that compatible, and he didn’t respect my career. He turned out to be a little more close-minded than I expected on the religion front.

Regret isn’t worth much when it comes to love, so I don’t think about it that often. I moved on and got married. Now I have a kid, and I’m going to let her sexuality unfold however it does.

I’m going to support her, like I wish I’d been.

There’s only one thing wrong with sex dolls.

The average person would still tell you it’s unhealthy to own a sex doll. Look at Yuri Tolochko’s social media, and you see so much hate. Everyone seems to think owning a sex doll disqualifies you from “normal” relationships, or it means you have to forfeit your membership to humanity.

That’s nonsense.

The only problem with owning a sex doll is that it makes you vulnerable to everyone’s judgment and ridicule. People make all kinds of assumptions about the community, when they know nothing about them. Like always, fear rules over close-minded people.

In the end, it’s the internalized shame and guilt that makes it harder for sex doll owners to engage in relationships with people.

That’s what we need to change.