I Broke Up With My Mentor
By: Rozali Telbis
Tags: Life Lessons, Mentorship, Professional Development, Careers, Self Improvement

The Beginning

Months later, I received the call that I had been accepted. On top of being accepted, I was told that I was matched with the most sought-after mentor — this mentor received glowing reviews from all of his mentees. And because of his track record, he was always invited to speak at mentorship events. I was grateful for not only being matched, but for being matched with such an esteemed mentor and professional.

Shortly after being paired, my mentor was proactive and was the first to reach out and tell me about his process. The mentorship program runs for 6 months — not a long time, but you had to be committed, meet regularly, and do the work.

From the get-go, I was advised to keep an open mind, be open to challenges and stay positive, and so I did right from the beginning — even when there were red flags raised early on. I kept an open-mind and was committed to meaningfully engaging in all of the ‘assignments’ and doing the work necessary to develop professionally and personally.

Where We Diverged

So what happened?

From the beginning, it was clear to me that my mentor and I came from completely different perspectives, but I buried my doubts because of his great track record and I didn’t want to seem ungrateful or close-minded.

The most immediate sign was our personalities. He valued extraversion and was of the mind that one must be an extravert to achieve success — a belief not uncommon in Western societies. Being a hard-line introvert, I could not magically turn into a gregarious, social person, lest I get sick from exhaustion, and I explained this to him. As other introverts know, this can be hard for people to understand. Then differences emerged in our professional approach that unfortunately could not be settled. My mentor had a very traditional business approach, which by all means, works for many people. He was a follower of the self-help trifecta: Tony Robbins-Deepak Chopra-Stephen Covey, and he was also big on money and paper-based accomplishments. And while I had my misgivings about these self-help gurus, I still read them in earnest and made lengthy, thoughtful notes on the readings.

My mentor also greatly valued external appearances — as well as digital appearances. For example, he expressed concern that employers wouldn’t hire me because I wasn’t on social media. His reasoning was that my lack of social media presence would make employers suspicious of me as an employee. While I abhor social media — we eventually came to a compromise, but it was still something that did not sit well with me — and I couldn’t ignore that feeling. In terms of spiritual beliefs, he was a big advocate for the law of attraction: the belief that positive thinking will in turn bring positive experiences. I was not.

You can see where we would clash.

I include these examples not to show you that either one of us was right, but to show you how diametrically opposite we were. And that was the crux of the issue: both of our perspectives were fine. There was nothing wrong with the way either of us approached things, but over time, I felt like I could not reconcile my own beliefs while working under the parameters of his.

Some might see my own unwillingness to concede to his approach as being resistant, and understandably so, but it wouldn’t have felt right to continue conceding to principles that I fundamentally did not agree with — what good would that do for either of us?

To End Or Not To End?

At this point, I was a few months into the mentorship, ruminating over whether I should end it or stick it out a few months longer. A part of me felt like I hadn’t tried hard enough; I felt bad that the previous mentees’ reported positive experiences with this mentor; and I feared I had wasted his time (and the opportunity for someone else to be mentored by him). My own experience was vastly different from that of the other mentees — so it made me wonder whether the problem was me.

But the problem wasn’t me, nor was it him.

In the end, I decided that it would be more unfair for me to play along when I didn’t see the value of the relationship. I listened to that nagging voice in my head and I reached out to both the Program Coordinator and my mentor separately, and explained that I had to end the relationship.

We both made a concerted effort, and we both recognized that it wasn’t the right fit. There are many other people who would excel under his guidance. While all of us can learn from each other, there are times when you have to call it and move on.

Both parties understood, no hurt feelings — it just wasn’t the right fit.

It’s Okay To Call It Quits

Too often we are bombarded with positive messages when it comes to our careers and professional development. We are constantly spoon fed stories of inspiration and optimism, but life is more nuanced than that. Sharing our real and challenging professional experiences will help others who might otherwise doubt themselves and their talents. And sometimes, when it comes to that perfect mentor, you have to go through a few to find one that works for — and with you. This opportunity taught me one thing: the ability to be assertive and trust myself.

In retrospect, I know that it was not my fault, it’s just the way it goes sometimes. And that’s okay.