My One Year of Hijab Reflections
By: Lamia Rashid
Tags: Hijab, Muslim, Confidence, Life, Growing Up

*Before I begin I want to make sure that every Muslim (or even non-Muslim) reading this knows that I respect each and every single one of you and the way you choose to dress. This is my own personal reflection and journey with the hijab and in no way, am I trying to pass judgment on you as a person for the manner in which you choose to express yourself. I love you all ❤ )

Of all the things, my mama and I could have fought over in high school, we fought over skinny jeans.

No… I wish I were kidding.

It was always the same and, might I say, incredibly dramatic showdown. Some could even say it was straight out of a Bollywood movie, minus the festive dresses and the influx of singing and dancing. My mama would threaten to cut my jeans up into cleaning rags (but never actually did) and I’d wear them to school the next day with a short shirt feeling rebellious as if I had “gotten away with something.”

In retrospect, I have to pause here and chuckle. Seriously, a pair of very tight and uncomfortable pants is not worth raising my mama’s blood pressure. Truthfully speaking, as a girl with a curvy figure and bigger thighs I never even LIKED skinny jeans. I’d eagerly swap them for a pair of flowy pants any day of the week. At this point reading this I can imagine you’re probably thinking like okay cool this girl is a rebel?! and a little bit confusing and what on EARTH does this have to do with her one year hijab anniversary.

I was wearing skinny jeans because…well because everyone else was wearing them. It would be one thing if I were dressing that way because I wanted to, but I wasn’t. When you’re one of the only Muslim girls at school you’re constantly having to explain yourself. You explain yourself to the gym teacher asking you to run laps during Ramadan, you explain yourself to the lunch lady trying to serve you a ham sandwich, you explain yourself to your field hockey coach when she asks why you can’t wear that short skirt, and you explain yourself to the popular girl trying to offer you a drink. I wanted SOMETHING that finally allowed for me to blend in no questions asked; That something just happened to be overpriced dark-wash skinny jeans from American Eagle.

The juxtaposition of my actions in high school STILL boggles my mind so many years later. How is it that the same girl confidently fasting Ramadan in its entirety during AP exams and fielding questions like “NoT EvEn WAteR” can’t bring herself to dress modestly from fear of being ostracized? Why was I picking and choosing which parts of my religion I wanted to adhere to? In my head, I rationalized that the idea of me fasting Ramadan could be better swallowed by my peers if I forgo modest clothes. In their mind, I reasoned, that their thought process went something along the lines of “Okay so she abstains from food and water for a month which is kind of freaky but at least she looks like one of us?? I guess she’s cool enough to invite to ______”

Looking back, it’s crazy what tradeoffs a practicing Muslim like myself would make just for the “love” and “support” of people that don’t even speak to me anymore. The truth of the matter is that I was willing to dress immodestly simply for friends to sit with during lunchtime.

So many years removed from high school made me realize that trying to fit in all I was doing was losing touch with myself. In an incredibly unforgiving society towards Muslims, one that is hell-bent on painting the hijab as a restrictive garment forced upon us women, I’m here to thoroughly disappoint all of the Islamophobes.

The world only chooses to see that my hijab covers both my body and my hair, but I can say full-heartedly that my scarf will never be restrictive like the skinny jeans I felt forced to wear.

Yes, that is not to say that all of a sudden, the pressures I faced from other people magically melted away. People do stare at me and I don’t think it’s because they like the eyeliner I shakily applied that morning. Sometimes I get dirty looks while trying to grab my morning coffee, come on dude at least give me some time to wake up! There are times I hear the rumors circulating about how “judgmental” a hijabi can be. But honestly, though, it just doesn’t bother me anymore. Keep staring, if anything please admire the way I wrapped my scarf today it took me fifteen minutes to do!

I spent all of my high school years fearing the opinions of people that didn’t matter rather than fearing the loss of my connection to Allah SWT. In my one year of wearing the hijab, I’ve never felt freer to be 100% myself. I dress in whatever funky pair of jeans I choose, I pray in public when I need to (I’ve prayed in the Glossier in NYC, it doesn’t get much better than that), I post hadiths and Quran verses on my Instagram story for all my friends alike to see, I slip “Alhamdulillah” and “Insha’Allah” in almost every conversation I have, and I voice my opinions regardless of who may disagree. Although I began wearing the hijab by choice, it forced me into discovering once and for all who I truly was and what principles I truly stood for. When all eyes are on you the moment you step out your front door I’ve come to believe, you either make their staring worthwhile or you don’t even bother stepping out that door.

My mama and I still fight sometimes, that is not something that will go away any time soon. I’m proud to say though, you can bet it’s not about wearing skinny jeans anymore.