The post I didn’t want to write — notes from a pragmatic psychic
By: Vanessa Smith - Vasmith.Com
Tags: Healing, Transformation, Consciousness, Healing From Trauma, Intuition

Trying to be what I thought “professional” looked like. Next up — Simply ME!

Now you’re curious, right?

There’s been much I’ve wanted to share, but have chosen to sit on the sidelines, hiding and holding back. You’ll likely assume this has to do with being psychic, seeing energy, and the most fantastical imagery, stories, and experiences that come with that. I definitely have more than a few of those in my memory bank. But no, not that. Those stories will continue to be shared and even more so in the coming months and years.

This post, it concerns my ego. The one that likes to people please and stay in the zone of “normal.”

It’s that aspect of me who will say yes when I want to say no, takes forever to make any kind of decision or change, loops on old limiting thought patterns, and sometimes, is even bitchy - especially when stuck in trauma mode - though I know better and have A TON of tools to help me shift it.

I have chased after personal growth for a few decades now, largely in part because I was trying to get away from myself. I so desperately wanted to experience life in a new way, to feel fresh and different. To really feel and be more of my actual self, where it’s safe to be… goofy, happy, and trusting. Because that, that’s me.

Cautious, and playing on the edge of my own power, rather than solidly standing centered in the middle of it. I would hope for, push for, and do my best to envision a new reality, without consistently really doing the work to create it — all the while having the best advice for those who were in the same position.

You know that type of person? The guru, visionary, cheerleader…wounded healer.

Always with something supportive to say to others and what they want to create, but are often hard on themselves. Ignoring their own gifts, stalling in sharing them, and hiding when they know they have more to offer.

Or, those on the opposite polarity, thinking their gifts are “the solution” to everything, constantly talking about that and nothing else, while lacking patience and trust for how life is unfolding and how “slowly” their potential is being actualized on the day to day.

I know both of these personas well, as I’ve played them to perfection.

I’ve held my vision so high, even I couldn’t reach it.

I forgot how to grant myself the grace and space to be human.

Yet when I was messily human, I’d be a jerk to myself about it, as if that helped. This morning, I woke up thinking “ENOUGH. I’ve straddled this line for far too long.”

It is time to own my truth and walk my path in a new way.

It is time to be ok with the fact that I am sometimes bitchy, disorganized, indecisive, and know that I hold myself back because of it.

It is time to admit to myself what I don’t want to, choose to move out of the energy and behavior that keeps me feeling small, and love myself into wholeness.

It is time to respect myself more.

The truth is, I am deeply, profoundly aware of and sensitive to energy. I have been all my life, and it’s been one of the hardest things in the world to navigate. Interacting with other people, going to places or being inside buildings that feel like they suck my life force, coming home feeling drained and not knowing how to recharge my system.

It. Has. Been. Hard. And, I’ve used it as an excuse to hide behind. To not be in the world as much as I’m called to and when I am, blend in like a chameleon. If you know me, you likely wouldn’t see me in this way. It’s true, there is a bigger light that shines through, especially the more I align with my divine. But the tendency to shrink is still there to the degree that it shapes my voice and how much I allow myself to rise.

I thought, the smaller I am, the less I’ll be affected by energy. Turns out, the opposite is true. The bigger I am, the more I let my light shine, the less I am affected by energy. We all have that God light in us. Break the dimmer switch and blast it as bright as it can go!

Now, I’m being asked internally, as well as guided spiritually, to step up into the next expanded version of myself, to walk my own path with more intention and integrity. It feels as if my ego is finally ready to voluntarily, wholeheartedly, and collaboratively join in with what my soul has come here to do.

This is no surprise.

We are in a huge window and timeline shift energetically speaking. Coming up in just a few days on December 21, 2020 is the Winter Solstice, an annual event where in the Northern Hemisphere, it is known as the shortest day/longest night of the year. I’ve always thought of it as the return of the light though, and indeed it is.

This also comes at the dawning of the age of Aquarius. That song and the mainstream associations with it have always annoyed me. Makes me think of hippies and drugs, of spiritual bypassing and checking out of the body — which is not so much my cup of tea. But if it’s yours, drink up. I do very much feel the shift though, energetically, with great nuance and context.

What this new era is really about is a system changeover. It’s a shift from the polarized us versus them, into a collective focused WE. As in a global cultural recognition that we are here on this planet, at this time, in these circumstances, TOGETHER — so how can WE create new systems that serve ALL OF US?

To answer that question effectively, and then implement those answers, it requires us to not just surrender the ego, but to integrate it.

In the old ways, spiritual camps talk about leaving the ego behind. Uh, why? It’s not the ego that destroys, it’s the lack of integration of it with Spirit that causes issues. We need both!

When you have ego in the game, it’s pretty entertaining. I mean seriously, how cool is it that the universe/God/Spirit can experience itself in such diverse forms?! When you have Spirit in the game, a moral compass is there and divine law guides you to live your truth. What a great combo!

This timeline shift is about the allowance for both — ego + spirit — while knowing you are MORE than either. To truly know ourselves would defy language. We are a highly captivating arrangement of cosmic molecules. Remember this, always.

This timeline shift is about collective collaboration. From me to we. Look at any aspect of your life and ask yourself, honestly, in what ways you’d like to call in more support or offer up more support. Look at any aspect of your life and see all the ways in which you are supported. Countless.

This timeline shift is about soul aligned action. We know immediately when we do something that isn’t in alignment with the truth of who we are. Our ego’s are no longer going to be able to convince us to stay in a game where we compromise this. Make the choice to respect yourself, own your power, and have your behavior in the world represent that.

With that:

I grant myself the grace and space to be bitchy sometimes.

I grant myself the grace and space to be unfocused & indecisive.

I grant myself the grace and space to be goofy, happy, and trusting.

I grant myself the grace and space for new connections & collaborations.

I grant myself the grace and space to respect my energy & own my life path.

I grant myself the grace and space to actualize my purpose, potential, & power.

And so very importantly, I grant myself the grace and space to show up, play the game, and allow God to work through me, to liberate me from my own mental matrix, so I can better be of service to uplifting humanity… while enjoying the heck out of this opportunity of being alive and getting to be me.

Signed, a time traveling starseed, earth angel, and pragmatic psychic who is learning how to be human while dismantling the systems that keep us bound to fake power.

What is it time to admit to yourself? What are you ready to grant yourself the grace and space for?