LETTING GO OF ‘SAFE’
By: Shruti Pant
Tags: Self Improvement, Life Lessons, Self Expression, Joy, Writing

The most fitting place to actually begin this article would be to practice some radical honesty with you all. If I look back on my 36 years of life, I feel as though I was born this big bright and imbuing circle, but as the years went by, this circle shrank, first it got small, then smaller and now smallest. I soon felt like a tiny faded dot, all in the pursuit to stay ‘safe.’

You see, I’ve spent a good chunk of life trying to avoid failure, guarding myself so closely that others did not have full view of my internal ‘I’m not good enough’ projections. Sure I shared with a few close friends that my compass settings had some worthiness issues, but only with people whose judgement I felt protected from. As a result I’ve come to see what a ‘safe’ and small life I’ve been choosing.

I finally reached a point where I gave myself a moment to really feel into this life I had created and I was incredibly bored by it all. ‘Is this all there really is?’ I thought to myself, feeling very disheartened. It was an especially hard exercise because I could see just how much agency I have and how I was choosing to use it, missing out on joyous pursuits because I’d much rather have a protected existence. My thinking had always been the less out there I am, the less likely I’ll be pulled apart and have to deal with the shame of not feeling good enough. So small I’ll stay, because small is ‘safe’.

I’ve sensed the smallness and ‘safety’ of my life for a while now, but my fear of not being enough was always bigger than the benefits of living larger, so it was easy for me to play out a minuscule existence. But over the last five years this cocoon of ‘safety’ has felt increasingly suffocating, like a concentrated and heavy sludge. And in the briefest of moments one recent afternoon, I felt a deep yearning for more; more gusto, more excitement, more adventure, more risk, more satisfaction doing, trying, learning, sharing and practicing the very pursuits that light me up but that I was avoiding for fear I would fail at it/not do a good job/not be successful. It was also in this very moment that I felt myself suddenly outgrow the play-life-‘safe’ self.

Oh finally, the benefits of living big and true outweighed my concerns about not appearing enough to others. And let’s dissect that for a moment. You, me, all of us in fact, we are enough, as we are, in every moment of time. But our fear of not appearing enough is what keeps us stuck, living small and safe. And let me let you in on a little secret: we cannot control appearances; appearances are based on someone else’s version of the truth shaped by their personal experiences and processing of it, and we just can’t make ourselves genuinely fit into every person’s reality. Nor is it our job. Not only is it insincere, expression-less and limiting, but it’s exhausting. Trust me, I’ve tried it.

I’ve since come to the grand and freeing realization that my only job in this life is to stay in my lane. A magnificently large and spacious lane that takes up space and expresses myself fully, without grasping and compromising for ‘safety.’ In fact, there is no room to clench for ‘safety’ in my lane, as I choose to do all the things that bring me satisfaction, appreciation, enjoyment and liberation. And what a beautiful bonus if it can resonate with others to live in the full expression of their lane too.

Writing is definitely one of the joy-filled ventures I held back on doing for so long in my pursuit of feeling ‘safe.’ I used to think I had to write in a certain way, and that it had to resonate with others and impact them in order for it to be ‘good enough.’ Ah, fuck that. I’ve thankfully decided to drop the act and I now feel more like myself, and more grounded in the truth of who I am, which is always enough (and so is my writing).

With all that said, I wrote this very first article on Medium for myself, because I’m choosing my highest and most joyous expression and evolvement, regardless of how it appears to others. Oh how I love to hear the pitter patter of my fingers on a keyboard, excitedly expressing the intangible to tangible. To memorialize moments in language, and to string together words that take us beyond the boundaries of the earthly imagination and plane.

Finally, as I continue to share more of my writing, I want to reiterate (more as a reminder to myself) that I choose to write and express from an inspired place, and because my fullest self expression is my priority. Just as your self expression should be yours, in whatever medium or format you choose to liberate it. And if you’ve been muting your truest expression to live a ‘safe’ existence, I hope these words can encourage you to look at where you’re choosing a false sense of safety over genuine liberation and joy, and find the courage (or hit rock bottom, whichever comes first) to just.let.it.go. I swear, life is glorious on the other side because you’ll come to realize you’ve always been safe, because you’ve always been enough.