The Gray Area of Rape and Consent
By: Gfc, Grown Folk Conversations
Tags: Women, Consent, Red Table Talk, Michaela Coel, Rape

The Gray Area Of Rape: Michaela Coel, Sam Jay & Jada’s Red Table Talk Explore Consent

Trigger warning: It’s explicit and necessary

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

I just watched Jada Pinkett Smith’s Red Table Talk (RTT) and they had an in-depth discussion about rape and consent. This is a conversation that is long overdue! It is especially important to see three generations of Black women talking about this because historically Black women have been silenced, dismissed or ignored. Black women are reclaiming our voices and agency over our bodies with regard to sex, rape, consent and our humanity as victims.

Thank God for shows like Red Table Talk, but I would be remised if I didn’t talk about the Black women who’ve talked about rape and consent in their work — like Ntozake Shange in For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide / When the Rainbow Is Enuf and Sonia Sanchez in Wounded In The House of A Friend. These two books helped me heal when I was brutally raped and stalked in college. These two authors helped me understand that I wasn’t alone and my pain and my shame was valid and confusion was real.

But I still blamed myself because I knew my rapist and I had let him in my house. We had sex before and the first time wasn’t with my consent. As a matter of fact, I said no — but then I just froze, gave up and cried. On RTT, Rumer Willis discussed “freezing” during a sexual encounter even though she considered herself “a strong woman”.

I, too considered myself “a strong woman”. Yet, I too froze the first time, and although I fought like hell, screamed “NO” the last time (so there’d be no confusion), I still feel shame for allowing that person in home, again. I struggle with the idea and reality of being violated twice by the same man. How does that happen?

Michaela’s Gray Areas

Michaela Coel’s show I May Destroy You asks questions and took a deep dive in the gray and controversial areas in rape, sexual assault and consent with men and women. Her HBO series brought up the following questions and issues:

What is rape versus sexual assault for a male or female?

Would you say yes if you had all the information?

False rape allegations against Black boys from white women/girls

Problematic or complicated victims

The lack of sympathy for Black victims from every one from other Black people, society, police, etc.

Victim fatigue

Casual sex and consent

What is consent and can you withdraw it before, during or even after?

Michaela Coel literally goes so dark, deep and dissects the ugly, gray areas between consensual sex and sexual assault that I can’t begin to explore all the nuanced, highly sensitive and controversial issues in this piece. However, I will say that her work expressed what many people think, but dare not say.

But Sam said it…

The comedian Sam Jay bravely went where few women are brave enough to go when talked about rape, victimhood and privilege in her comedy special where she discussed Aziz Asari. While I don’t agree with her assumption that any woman could fight him off, I do agree that his accuser’s story was not worthy of the #MeToo movement. If you’re unfamiliar with the story, click the link on his name. In short, Babe.net published a story by woman named Grace who alleges that she went to his place after dinner, they kissed, he performed oral sex on her and then he kept asking her to reciprocate. She said she was “uncomfortable”, left and called it “the worst night of her life”.

Many people were outraged, including myself that this woman compared a bad date, to sexual assault. It was insulting and infuriating to women who’ve actually been raped and sexually assaulted. Not to lessen her experience, but this wreaked of whiny, white privilege. How dare this tiny brown man expect anything from me after I graced him with my presence. I let him buy me dinner, go back to his place, let him lick dare I say — eat my precious hot pocket. How dare he even ask me for anything more!

Wow — if only other “victims” could be so lucky. He asked —

When I was 13, I was lured in a house and had a knife to my throat. If it wasn’t for a perfectly timed knock at the door, I would have been gang raped… I got lucky that time, but years, later I woke up to being raped in my sleep. I was stalked for weeks with no assistance from the police. Meanwhile, this woman gets national news attention and a sea of feminist outrage because she was crying in an Uber over him allegedly pointing to his pants and “asking” her return the favor in his whiny Urkel-like voice. He asked, not attacked or took. Maybe he begged, but how is she a victim worthy of national news coverage?

I’ve been raped and I still can’t see how this remotely constitutes as a sexual assault or misconduct of any kind. So no boo hoo or #MeToo for her! He may have been a jerk or way too presumptuous, but if the details are true — this wasn’t remotely on the spectrum of sexual assault. This was a very bad (and highly predictable) date. She knew some begging was on the menu.

No offense, but ANY woman who’s seen Aziz Asari knows he doesn’t exude a high level of sexual confidence. As a matter of fact, his humor kinda revolves around it… So, if you’re going out with him and you’re remotely “hot”, one has to wonder why you would be shocked that he might beg you for sex and it might not be that good… Begging and bad sex aren’t sexual assault and disappointment isn’t a revelation — it’s buyer’s remorse and that shouldn’t change consent after the fact or ruin a man’s life with allegations.

One can argue begging is a form of coercion, but this is where it gets gray with the power dynamic and safety factors. Being uncomfortable isn’t the same as being unsafe and although he’s a celebrity, he’s still a person of color in America. White women still reign supreme and their innocence and honor is defended at all cost. Therefore, anything she says is considered unrefutable truth, even if she lied. She cried, so that was enough for media outlets and America to deem him guilty — it’s the American way.

Before people get mad and comment please understand that I know ALL the horrible and disgusting types of sexual abuse and assault.

Unfortunately, I’ve been:

Molested

Raped

Sexually Assaulted

Coerced and begged into having sex

And I’ve also just let it happen because I thought the guy was going to rape me anyway. That has happened more than once and it’s the most prevalent of the gray area scenarios. I never said, “no” and most women don’t:

Scenario #1: He’s begging, he performs oral sex with questionable consent (you don’t say yes or no) but you’re not engaged, and don’t like it. He asks “can I put the tip in”, you don’t say no. You give in and don’t protest verbally or physically to full intercourse out of of pity or fear, but you’re was totally unresponsive, laying there — and intentionally not engaging to showed how uncomfortable you are. He acts like he doesn’t notice or care and finishes…

Scenario #2: He’s begging, he performs oral sex with questionable consent (you don’t say yes or no), but because you climaxed, he quickly penetrates without asking and at first you’re shocked, but it gets good, so you change your mind and participate.

Most men probably wouldn’t think either scenario was rape if they were the man. Yet, if their daughter, a female friend or loved one told them either scenario happened to them- they’d fully understand that it was rape or at the very least — the guy took advantage of the woman.

In both scenarios — the woman didn’t say no, but she didn’t say yes. This is really tricky. As a woman, I’ve been frozen by fear, but as a mother of a son — I’m very afraid of him being falsely accused of rape — when he thought he had consent.

Personally, I think the first scenario is a violation — if not full sexual assault or rape, but the 2nd Scenario is definitely a gray area. I’ve had the rape/consent talk with my son and taught him BOTH could be considered rape and to get verbal consent and check in with his partner every step of the way during a sexual encounter. It doesn’t have to feel scripted or awkward if you’re making sure that the other person is engaged and enjoying themselves, too. The moment they don’t seem to be engaged or enjoying themselves — I’ve taught him to check in — because the yes — may have switched to a no and it if it did: Stop, disengage and patiently try to understand why and accept if the person may not be comfortable to talk about it at the time…I’ve made it clear that continuing or ignoring the other person’s discomfort is rape…

Race, consent and rape culture

Rape is hard to prove — even if the woman said no and tried to fight. Sadly, when race is factored in — it just gets worse. Based on an article by The American Bar Association, statistics show that white perpetrators get lesser sentences regardless of the race of the victim.

In speaking with friends, I think a lot of Black women and women of color would say — “I don’t know what the 2nd scenario is” — because sadly these are common scenarios. On Red Table Talk, Mrs. Adrienne Banfield Norris aka Gam, Jada’s Mother and Willow Smith, Jada’s daughter helped confirm my theory when they talked about women “getting in” or “avoiding” situations. Jada and her other guest, Amber Rose talked about how these “situations” often happen in relationships. Yet, most women have experienced this regardless of their relationship with the man, his race or class. This is how men are socialized in America and around the world.

The idea that men are just too “caught up” in their primal needs to be able to communicate or ask consent is dangerous. This also perpetuates and enforces patriarchy, toxic masculinity and rape culture. The “boys will be boys” attitude is what delusional, privileged people use to excuse and protect predatory and abusive behavior. This video is perfect example:

CNN Video of republican woman defending allegations

Rape and sexual assaults aren’t always behind closed doors — a lot of them are done in the open. Remember, Brock Turner raped an unconscious girl behind a dumpster and no one at this fraternity party stopped him. A tourist actually pulled him off her. He only served 3 months for raping a woman who couldn’t give consent.

This isn’t uncommon and things can get messy and gray in groups when drugs and alcohol are involved. We’ve seen the disturbing headlines about taping or gluing boy’s body parts together, forced sexual acts with ambiguous names like tea-bagging, donkey punches, gang bangs aka “trains” etc. These violent, sadistic and deviant “games” and have been normalized on college campuses and in gangs as hyper-masculine initiations. Yet, most are done either without consent or within the gray area of sexual assault and rape.

I know a girl that was raped at a frat party by a boy who allegedly bragged about “taking what he wanted”. He was in a fraternity and was a campus sports star. She filed an on-campus complaint, but didn’t contact local police. To avoid possible expulsion and criminal charges, he pressed charges against her for sexual assault. He said she took advantage of him because he was intoxicated. He is over 6 feet tall, over 200 pounds. She is 5'0, 130 pounds. She admitted she had been drinking, but insisted she wasn’t drunk and she tried fight back, but over powered her. The bruising on her thighs, stomach, neck and arms substantiate how she was violently raped, but she faced expulsion and sexual assault charges because he made a criminal complaint first. The party and alcohol made this gray.

The lack of empathy and protection for rape victims and the level of intimidation and manipulation that’s allowed from perpetrators makes this an uphill battle for sexual assault victims. In the meantime, we have to change the culture, behavior and mindset.

Conclusion

If a man or woman can’t control themselves, that’s not the victim’s problem. They need help and should be prosecuted. Parents need to talk with their children about how to properly engage in intimate and sexual relationships and the gray areas. It’s everyone’s responsibility to make sure they aren’t hurting someone and if they see something, they should say something.

Sex and intimacy is another form of communication. If we approach it from the perspective - everyone should be respected, have a clear expectations, and understanding and be comfortable before, during and after “the physical conversation”. Women, speak up and push back if you’re uncomfortable! Men, hold up and understand no can be verbal and nonverbal. If she’s not acting like she’s ready, responsive or enjoying herself — stop! Your “yes” may have turned to — no for many reasons like pain, discomfort or she’s no longer in the mood. Either way, it’s her body and her choice and right to change her mind. Check in, it’s not just about you. I think having this understanding would minimize rape culture and post sex guilt, shame and confusion — if we all learned to communicate about sex.

I mentioned the ladies on Red Table Talk, but a special thank you needs to go to Deandre Levy for speaking out and teaching men and boys about consent. Finally, Sexologist, educator, and activist Michelle Hope shared a special tool called the “Want, Will, Won’t” list that will help women better understand, express and articulate what they are and aren’t consenting to during a sexual encounter.

We cannot address what we won’t acknowledge. Consent may be a new term, but it’s always been a healthy part of a relationship. I think consent should be part of sex education and “the talk” for every tween and teen. More people need to share their stories and conversations need to be had inside and outside the bedroom to make the “gray area” of sex and consent a distinctive line that should NEVER be crossed, again.

Sources

Red Table Talk: October 20, 2020: Consent Episode

Ntozake Shange, For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide / When the Rainbow Is Enuf

Sonia Sanchez, Wounded In the House Of A Friend

Red Table Talk Facebook Live Series

Michaela Coel’s I May Destroy You

https://www.vulture.com/article/michaela-coel-i-may-destroy-you.html

https://www.americanbar.org/groups/litigation/committees/diversity-inclusion/articles/2019/summer2019-intersection-of-race-and-rape/