Stop Saying Your Kid is “Too Smart” For School
By: Emily Kingsley
Tags: Teaching, School, Self-awareness, Education, Parenting

Photo by Patrick Fore on Unsplash

When I asked my friend how school was going for her son who is in 4th grade, she gave me the answer that has always made my skin crawl: “He’s just too smart, so he gets in trouble because he is bored.”

Her son was within earshot and he jumped in with how bad his teacher is, how babyish the math is, and how often he has visited the principal’s office for causing trouble in the classroom.

One thing was clear: this was not the first time that mother and son had described the school year this way.

As a teacher, I believe that all of my students are smart in their own way. I don’t believe that any of them are too smart for school and I never accept that poor classroom behavior is excused by too much intelligence.

The consequences of saying your kid is ‘too smart’

If you’re a parent who has felt like the mom above, consider some of the things that can happen when kids hear their parents say that they are ‘too smart’ for school:

They stop working hard. When kids believe that what they are doing in school is too easy for them, they will dial back their effort. This reduced effort becomes a habit and as the school year progresses and the material gets harder, suddenly this reduced effort isn’t enough to keep up. Then the student really will fall behind, and may act out to cover up the fact that they no longer understand the material.

When kids believe that what they are doing in school is too easy for them, they will dial back their effort. This reduced effort becomes a habit and as the school year progresses and the material gets harder, suddenly this reduced effort isn’t enough to keep up. Then the student really will fall behind, and may act out to cover up the fact that they no longer understand the material. They feel like they have permission to act out. When a student hears their mom or dad excusing their bad behavior, especially for a positive reason, then their is no incentive to behave better. This can lead to a ‘wag-the-dog’ situation, where the student even feels like they have to act out to prove that they are smart. If they stop acting out, then people will think it’s because they are no longer ‘too smart.’

When a student hears their mom or dad excusing their bad behavior, especially for a positive reason, then their is no incentive to behave better. This can lead to a ‘wag-the-dog’ situation, where the student even feels like they have to act out to prove that they are smart. If they stop acting out, then people will think it’s because they are no longer ‘too smart.’ They resist the opportunity to learn new, more challenging material. When students believe that school is easy for them because they are smart, it makes them hesitate to take on more challenging material. Even the smartest kid doesn’t intuitively know stoichiometry or Pythagoras. The only way they can learn things like this is by leaning in and tackling hard topics. If your kid hears you say that they are bored because they are so smart, then once the material becomes harder, they will feel that they aren’t smart, so they will resist learning new, tougher topics — maybe by acting out.

When students believe that school is easy for them because they are smart, it makes them hesitate to take on more challenging material. Even the smartest kid doesn’t intuitively know stoichiometry or Pythagoras. The only way they can learn things like this is by leaning in and tackling hard topics. If your kid hears you say that they are bored because they are so smart, then once the material becomes harder, they will feel that they aren’t smart, so they will resist learning new, tougher topics — maybe by acting out. They don’t become well-rounded citizens of their school and community. If you read about education at all, you’ve seen the trend towards Social-Emotional Learning (SEL). Schools are focusing on softer skills like empathy, curiosity and perseverance instead of just teaching math and writing. If a student believes that because they already understand two digit addition, there’s nothing left for them to learn at school, they miss out on SEL opportunities like working together, or helping a struggling friend understand a new topic.

Strategies for when your kid is ‘too smart’

You’ll notice I’m not critical of my friend for thinking her son is smart. I hope all parents think highly of their kids and find times to publicly praise them for the things they do well.

What bothered my was how she framed her son’s intelligence in a negative light by saying that it was the reason why he’s been getting in trouble a lot lately.

In the moment, I just excused myself to refresh the guacamole. In hindsight, I wish I had found the wisdom and courage to offer her some alternate strategies to help her, her son and his teacher and classmates have a better school year.

Here are some of the tips I would have given her:

Praise the effort, not the outcome. When kids are praised for doing things that come easily to them, they will learn to take the path of least resistance. But when you celebrate times that they took on bigger challenges and really dug in to do hard work, they will be more likely to lean in to tough problems both in and out of school.

When kids are praised for doing things that come easily to them, they will learn to take the path of least resistance. But when you celebrate times that they took on bigger challenges and really dug in to do hard work, they will be more likely to lean in to tough problems both in and out of school. Provide more challenges outside of the school day. Kids don’t spend as much time in school as you might think — about 12% of a kid’s year (180 days x 6 hours/day) is spent at school. That means that you’re responsible for the rest. Play chess with them, sign them up for an online class or get them involved in a running club. Exhaust them physically and mentally so that they’re relaxed and ready for an easy math lesson.

Kids don’t spend as much time in school as you might think — about 12% of a kid’s year (180 days x 6 hours/day) is spent at school. That means that you’re responsible for the rest. Play chess with them, sign them up for an online class or get them involved in a running club. Exhaust them physically and mentally so that they’re relaxed and ready for an easy math lesson. Support publicly, vent privately. After a decade spent working in public schools, I know that not all teachers are great. But nobody wins when a student hears their parents openly criticizing teachers, administrators or schools. Kids are expert manipulators and will use your words to excuse many varieties of bad behavior. If you have a small problem with your kid’s teacher, complain about it to a friend over a glass of wine. If you have a big problem, privately contact the teacher or school.

After a decade spent working in public schools, I know that not all teachers are great. But nobody wins when a student hears their parents openly criticizing teachers, administrators or schools. Kids are expert manipulators and will use your words to excuse many varieties of bad behavior. If you have a small problem with your kid’s teacher, complain about it to a friend over a glass of wine. If you have a big problem, privately contact the teacher or school. Incentivize good behavior, not bad behavior. I had an experience in my first year of teaching that I will never forget. One of my students had been particularly difficult in class, so there was a meeting with the principal, his parents and a few of his teachers. We strategized ways to help him better manage his behavior. The next day he came into school announcing that he had gotten a new video game. His parents felt bad for him that he was in trouble, so they bought it for him. Parenting is hard, but doing the hard work sooner will make it easier later. If your child had a bad day at school, give them an outlet to blow off some steam, but don’t reward it out of sympathy. Right now I have a student whose mom made a checklist and every Thursday, I spend about 30 seconds filling it out. She takes it home and if she has enough checks, she gets cash money. The girl rolls her eyes, but she’s having a great year so far, so good on her parents.

School is hard enough as it is. Don’t make it harder than it has to be for your kids by telling them they are ‘too smart.’ They won’t know enough to thank you for this until they’re well into adulthood. But you can thank yourself when their behavior improves and you can stop stressing about calls and emails from the teacher!

Thanks for reading!

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