Ungentlemanly Behaviors 2: Boundaries
By: Rishi Jones
Tags: Metoo, Healing From Trauma, Sexuality, Boundaries

V and I first connected in 2010, at a Freedom Community event. The Freedom Community is a group of bright, loving, creative, and embodied souls, based in southern California. I was so gratefully excited to be sharing space with these amazing beings, one of whom was named V. We had an encounter on the dance floor, as I was exploring my newfound passion for contact improv.

For those of you who are not familiar, contact improv is a form of improvised dance in which the dancer explores their body in relationship with others, by sharing spontaneous touch and movement. Like all forms of dance and connection, it takes time and practice to become skillful. As a beginner, I would sometimes try moves and fail. In some cases, these failures would cause minor injuries for myself and my dance partners (bruises or other minor pains that did not require medical attention.)

This is what happened between V and I 8 years ago. After enjoying some wonderful moments of connection through contact improv, I felt inspired to try a new move. I didn’t pull it off, and unfortunately she fell and hurt her leg. I apologized, though at the time I was not aware of the greater impact this experience would have on her, and her perception of who I am as a man, and as a member of the community.

I love being in connection with others, but attunement has always been a challenge for me. This area of difficulty has called me closer to myself, and forced me to do the work of receiving hard feedback, acknowledging my blindspots, seeking support, and adjusting my ways of being — in service of creating more natural and attuned connections with others. I’ve come a long way on this path, and 8 years ago, I was much more clumsy and unaware than I am now. At times, I would miss subtle body language and voice tone cues, accidentally barge into conversations out of eagerness to connect, and cause others to feel less than comfortable in my presence. I noticed that V seemed to be avoiding me after our dance mishap, and the avoidant energy increased, as she witnessed me fumble through some other social interactions. It was clear to me that I had made a very poor impression, and that it was being compounded by my other errors of unawareness. In contrast to myself, I had always admired her attunement and energetic sensitivity, and while I wished we could be friends, I understood her desire to put space between us.

In July 2016, I made the biggest mistake of my life, and violated a woman at a sexually open play party. (Click here to read the full story, if you would like to know more details.) This violation rocked me to my core, and made it undeniably clear that I needed to get support and make major changes to my awareness, behaviors, and relationship with self and others.

In November 2017, after putting a great deal of energy into making positive changes, I wanted to check in with the people around me, to see how I was doing. Was I showing up in a way that felt safe, present, attuned, and aware? I thought I was improving, but I needed to know from the outside, so I decided to make a post in the Freedom Community facebook group, requesting feedback. A few people chimed in, sharing that they were seeing and feeling the positive changes. I felt so grateful to receive this supportive feedback and acknowledgement of my slow and steady progress toward healing and creating lasting change. As time went on, the post received many comments from people who had had adverse experiences with me, such as uncomfortable conversations or shoulder massages that I initiated (with both men and women) that were not consensual.

A few people were grateful that this was being discussed openly, though most responses came from a place of upset, as consent issues with other men had already come up many times in this community, and some women were still feeling unresolved. Not long after this post, I was asked to leave the FC Facebook group because people were feeling triggered by me. This recreated my childhood trauma of rejection and shame that resulted from my inability to fully grasp the effects and impacts that my actions had on others. I was devastated, and went into a hole of shame for two months.

I am so thankful for the direct feedback I received, and for the few close friends I had during this time, who helped me to see that the “little mistakes” I was making in connection were not little at all. Each thoughtless act of misattunement or non-consensual interaction contributed to a greater experience of toxic masculine privilege, control, and overpowerment. I cannot and will not allow that to continue. Ultimately, this painful chapter of shame and self-reflection brought me into connection with my own body and innate joy, on levels I had only ever dreamed of.

In April of 2018, I felt ready to fulfill my longtime fantasy of moving to Los Angeles. I got involved with the LA Ecstatic Dance community, and felt so much more able to attune and connect with others. I was delighted to find that the energy I was putting toward inner work was showing itself in my external world.

Just two months later, I went to a party where I saw V. We had not been in the same physical space in many years, and when I saw her, I felt called to acknowledge and thank her for the uncomfortable experience we shared long ago, and how it served as a catalyst for growing my self awareness and attunement with others.

As V was leaving the party, I approached her, and asked if I could talk to her, to which she replied “No, I’m leaving.” I then asked if I could call her, to which she said “No, I don’t want to talk with you.” Lastly, I asked if I could write to her, to which she also said “No, I don’t want any contact with you.” After receiving clear “no’s” to all three of these pathways for possible communication, I listened. I did not say anything else to V, or attempt to contact her again after this event. In my heart and mind, I believed I was responding in a way that honored her boundaries.

The following evening, I attended a friend’s birthday party, and V happened to be there as well. Since I was new in LA, I spent a lot of the night moving around the party getting to know new people, introducing myself and trying to make new friends. After some time, I noticed that V was walking up to groups of people after I met them, and talking with them while looking in my direction. I found out later that she was telling them that I was a rapist, and asking if I did anything strange or inappropriate while with them. By the end of the night all of the new people I’d met wouldn’t talk to me.

I felt deeply hurt and ashamed seeing this happen. I honor V’s desire to inform others and protect them from harm, but it didn’t feel right having these words shared about me in this way. It seemed like there was no room for me to grow, change, or start anew. It seemed like the shadow of my past would always follow and crush me, and that whatever inner work I did would never be enough.

Several days later, V decided to publicly call me out in front of another community which she leads called Affinity, by going on the Facebook group and making a post saying I was a rapist and many other terrible things, and that I was still violating community members’ boundaries, because I had asked her for a conversation. I believe that this post generated a whole lot of unnecessary fear, mistrust, and even hatred, and setting the stage for even greater upset and suffering. Had she said “Watch out — Damien might try to talk with you” she would have been sharing honestly, but to accuse me of continuing to violate people’s boundaries in a dangerous way was a serious exaggeration, which gave everyone the impression that I might cause some great harm.

This knocked my legs out from under me. I’d been working so hard to right myself and rebuild people’s trust in me since committing the major violation, and had been connecting with people far more authentically and empathically, but this caused many friends and communities to turn away from me just when I was beginning to recover.

This experience sent me deeper into a hole of shame and despair, leading to panic attacks and depression, and I feared going outside or engaging socially. I thought everyone knew my worst mistake, and saw me as only that. I had already worked with over a dozen therapists and healers by this time, feeling far more grounded in my heart. I believed I had conquered my shame, but this experience woke me up to the depths of my childhood woundings of feeling rejected and ashamed for being the math and science geek who could understand the workings of the physical universe, but not so much those of the human heart. This realization caused me to surrender even more deeply, committing to ongoing support from both a licensed therapist and a men’s coach/counsellor for over a year.

I now see how this was a necessary correction for me. I needed to be brought to my knees to fully commit to the process of healing and changing, on the deepest levels of my being. I am grateful to V, and I hope that one day we will reach a place where I can thank her personally, for being the catalyst for change that she has been in my life. And, if that opportunity never comes, I am committed to honoring her boundaries and feeling grateful from the distance of her choosing.

Since my major violation in 2016, I’ve done everything in my power to show up as a respectful man. I have made some missteps along the way, and with that, there are two other women who I have triggered and hurt in minor ways. These women have proceeded to make false and extremely damaging claims against me. I believe I have not crossed any major boundaries or caused significant harm to anyone in the past 4 years, with one possible exception (details in Chapter 4).

One thing I know, is that we are going through a very turbulent and highly necessary period in our history, where for the first time women’s voices and experiences are being prioritized, and the dominant toxic patriarchal paradigm is being challenged at fundamental levels. I believe in and stand for the empowerment and liberation of women, and of the Feminine within us all, so that we may embrace our wholeness and rise together.

I believe my healing journey has revealed some crucial keys for our collective healing, and I’m grateful for the opportunity opening before me to contribute in a meaningful way.

Essentially, she and I have been triggering the hell out of each other’s wounds I don’t know who it was that harmed her so much to make her so fearful and distrustful of men, but although I did make my own mistakes with her, I don’t believe I caused her any major harm — I’m just being made to pay for the sins of those who did. I approached her with gratitude in my heart, and simply asked to speak to her, and for this crime she has done everything in her power to ban me from our common communities, generating a whole lot of unnecessary fear, mistrust, and even hatred in these groups, and setting the stage for even greater upset and suffering.

Since my major violation I’ve done my best to be careful and respectful of others. However I have not been perfect, and there are two other women who I have hurt in minor ways and have triggered, who have made completely false and extremely damaging claims against me.

I believe I have not crossed any major boundaries or caused significant harm to anyone in the past 4 years, with one possible exception (details in Chapter 4.).

However, we are going thru a very turbulent but highly necessary period in our history, where for the first time women’s voices and experiences are being prioritized, and the dominant toxic patriarchal paradigm is being challenged at fundamental levels. I believe and stand for the empowerment and liberation of women, and of the Feminine in all of us, so that we may embrace our wholeness and rise together to our sacred destiny as one Huemanity — all the hues, shapes, sizes, and genders of us, honoring the unique sovereignty and value of every single one of us.

I believe my healing journey has revealed some crucial keys for our collective healing, and I’m grateful for the opportunity opening before me to contribute in a meaningful way.