I Wrote About A Sexual Experience I Never Wanted, and Many Readers Missed the Point
By: Sarah Stroh
Tags: Sex, Metoo, Culture, Women, This Happened To Me

I recently wrote about an experience I had in Italy, where I ended up engaging in a sexual act I never truly desired.

Long-story short, I went around the city with the manager of my hostel, thinking it would be a platonic outing. But after a few hours, he ended up continuously pressuring me into kissing him until I eventually gave in and did something I regret.

I told the story because many young women get into similar situations, and I hoped others would learn from my mistake. I hoped by reading my story, they would be less likely to give in to pressure in order to stay pleasant, like I did.

Yet many people who commented on the article chose not to focus on this aspect.

Instead, they chose to focus on the fact that I went out with the man in the first place.

“If only you didn’t get on that bike with him.”

“Why did you get on a stranger’s moped?” many people said in more or less words. “You should be safer.”

They said it in a nice way, some intending to actually be helpful.

But this is not only patronizing, but inaccurate. And it distracts from the real issue.

Getting on a stranger’s moped carries inherent risk. But to focus on that, as if that were the reason what happened happened is misguided.

First off, if I were a man, I doubt they would they have said the same thing.

If I were a man who got on a moped with a local I didn’t know who wanted to take me around his or her village, no one would blink an eye.

Indeed, I have gotten on the back of many strangers’ mopeds (or I’ve let them get on the back of mine.) That is just what you do when you are traveling alone in Southeast Asia, South America, or Italy.

That is the risk you take in order to see beautiful things. To bond with wonderful people. To not have to be truly alone when you are traveling alone.

It didn’t turn out well in the specific case I wrote about it. But it was NOT because I decided to get on a stranger’s moped.

The situation I was in was common. Many women regularly feel pressured to take part in sexual acts we don’t really want to have.

Regardless of whether or not I got on that moped, it would have happened. If it didn’t happen then, it would have happened at a party or even in my own home among the people I love, as it almost did.

Not getting on the moped that day would have allowed me to avoid it that day. But what about tomorrow? And the next?

Yes, I could live my life out of fear. And distrust everyone just because I’m a woman. That might allow me to avoid a similar situation.

But I don’t want to live that way. I do not want to tip-toe around the world because of sexually stunted men. So readers, stop telling me how to live my life. That is not the point.

Why we focus on what the victim can change

Yet I understand the temptation to focus on me and what I could have changed.

When we can blame the victim, then we can pretend that we have the control. And that we could have easily avoided the same fate “if only.”

“If only” she didn’t get on the motorcycle (and try to enjoy her time in a Sicilian village with a local.)

“If only” she didn’t go up to his hotel room (and try to improve her relationship with someone who had a large stake in her acting career.)

“If only” she told him to fuck off (and anger someone who had physical power to hurt her, ruin the party, and jeopardize her friendships with all of their shared friends.)

“If only” she didn’t wear that outfit, or get so wasted, or walk home so late all alone. “If only.”

But, as you can see, “if only” is not as easy as it may seem.

People don’t want to admit that whatever happened can happen to them too. So they laser in on the victim’s missteps.

I take responsibility for putting myself in that situation. But I don’t regret how I got there. Because that was not the ultimate problem.

The problem was his pressure and my inability to deal with it effectively when it arose.