CRIBBING OVER THE CRIB
Tags: Motherhood, Mothers, Parenting, Indian Mothers, Baby Sleep Training

CRIBBING OVER THE CRIB

Background- I skyped my friend in the US. She said “Hey, I am out for my run. Let me call once I am back home and have had a shower”



She. Has. A. Four. Month. Old. And. A. 5. Year. Old.







So, I have a 5-month-old. A little over. A girl- the joy of my life. Any mom would know! My life changed completely and forever- again, any mom would know. But would I say it changed ALL for good? I HAVE TO. Right? Just that I won’t. Because it didn’t. I am not going to go into the details of how her smile lights up my day, how I suddenly discovered my heart lives outside of my body now, how those tiny fingers hold my whole life in them. She is, undoubtedly the sun to my solar system. My whole life revolves around her now. So, why wouldn’t I say everything has changed for the better?



For starters, I miss me. The old me. The fit, neat, clean, bathed, well dressed me. Everyone tells me I shouldn’t. But I do. Call it selfish- but I would be lying otherwise.



Second- I need sleep. Really. I really do. Else how am I supposed to be the perfect mother to my little munchkin.







Enter the dragon 😊



“But darling, motherhood IS tough!”



“Oh, it’s the same with all mothers- sleepless nights.”



“I too don’t sleep. It’s a part of the process.”



“Oh, forget sleep now- at least for another year.”



“We brought you up sleeping you think? :P Now you get it- how tough raising kids has been.”



“Oh, imagine doing this with two kids.”



“Oh please! She will grow up too soon. So, cherish every second of this phase. “



“She won’t be so tiny again. Enjoy the most beautiful phase of your life.”



“Oh yes, even we spend nights either rocking my son, or sometimes even driving around for hours.”







And the icing on the cake when job is mentioned in the same breath



“Now you understand why women quit careers”



“Take a career break- you MUST dedicate at least 3 years to the kid completely”



“I took a break. “I” can’t be selfish. If I decided to have a baby, its my DUTY to give my ALL to him”







I can write 1001 things I hear daily the moment I open my mouth about needing sleep. Every mother reading this is slowly nodding- and this one thing I can guarantee.



I have even been directly and indirectly called selfish for thinking of myself. Afterall, “you are a mother now!”







Cut to chase, why the title!!!!



The silly me mentioned to some friends and relatives- “I am thinking of getting a crib and sleep training her. Else job is getting tough”



Enter the Dragons- one dragon won’t cut it



“Oh! Of course, so we are parenting by Google now!”



“Your generation doesn’t get it. Body warmth is essential”



“How will you breastfeed through the night then?”



“The level of attachment that comes from bed sharing, you will NEVER have it”



“Oh! Your baby will grow distant”



“You are sowing seeds of distrust and mistrust in the baby by sleep training”



“But what has the baby done to deserve this?”



“All these are western fancy things. We in India have never done this. And look, our kids turn out fine- in fact better!”



Also- “Why did you have a kid if you weren’t prepared?”







Again, another book on 1001 things I hear when I mention sleep training can be written.







So yes, I have been cribbing over the crib. I thought hard and realized that all western kids aren’t emotionally damaged. Many were, but not most 😊







So why the hullaballoo? Here’s why- and yes yes, here is the disclaimer- oops, should have done this right on top. Anyway- thoughts and observations below are entirely my own. I am a sleep deprived mother, so there could be a little too much salt in the pinch some readers may need to take!







We in India, for a very long time, primarily have been a man-run household society- with majority of women not having been the primary breadwinners for a very long time. Once again, this is for majority. Exceptions have ALWAYS been there. I am talking about the masses- till around 2 generations ago.



Giving birth to and bringing up a child were the HALLMARK standards of being a married woman. So, once a baby was born, it was all but written in stone that the woman’s life was that- child rearing and taking care of the household. She stayed indoors- juggled chores and baby- had sleepless nights. And this was all considered natural- a part of who you are as a mother. Even if the woman worked outside- in the fields or elsewhere, home was where she spent her primary time. Also, not sleeping was considered perfectly okay. Men largely stayed completely off any child duty and everything fell to the woman alone. The silver lining was that the family set up was in many cases a joint large family. So, women helped each other through the day with keeping the child engaged, massaging the baby, bathing the baby etc. Nights were the mother’s alone.



A generation later, many women started stepping out of their homes for work. The family set up started getting nuclear. Still, a lot of joint families were prevalent. Men started helping their wives out with few child chores- may be changing nappies, keeping the baby engaged, taking the kid out for a stroll. But household chores were still a woman-hold. Even till date, home-keeping is discounted, and men need to be explained about how that’s a full-time job. Women were now expected to have two full time jobs- home and office- and also rear their child- all with a smile. Because- we are strong, we have been blessed with a womb- the ability to create life. So, it also translates into the fact that we can live triple lives at once, survive on zero sleep and be the superhumans we are. This is, unsurprisingly, one area where men are more than willing to call us superiors!



Come to this generation. More and more women are working- in equally challenging and ambitious profiles. Most families are nuclear, away from hometowns. Now having a kid is a different ballgame altogether for the couple. Men, of course, have stepped up their dad- game and that’s a beautiful thing. It is the way it should be. You BOTH had the child. You BOTH should bring the baby up. However, since both mom and dad work demanding jobs, BOTH need their sleep. This is where tools like sleep training become a life saver- for both mom and dad. So, what’s the problem?



We, in India, largely, glorify pain. We glorify suffering. Why do you want to sleep train and emotionally scar the baby? Surprisingly, the biggest opposition comes from women- our mother and mothers-in-law. “Arre beta, we brought up kids, don’t teach us”. “Career is more important to you girls- that you will do this with your kid”. And scroll back to top for what else you get to hear. Husbands and fathers, on the other hand, are more than willing. Since fathers want their princesses to smile- they are like “Beta, if it gives you rest, sure!” Husbands too are onboard- since they are sometimes as sleep deprived as the mother when they share the baby care duties.



I have been talking about getting a crib and sleep training my baby. But a LOT of mommies in my friend circle, my relatives and mothers on both sides have been brainwashing me to an extent that for the last several weeks, even as I cry real, physical tears on most days, I smile and tell my husband- “Its OK, love! That’s how it is for all. We have to endure this, just 8-9 months more”



Today I ask myself- but WHY?



When I KNOW – that there is help available, that there are ways we both can get AMPLE sleep, that I can feel human more than a zombie again- why am I relishing this pain? Why this masochism? Why am even I now a part of the group that glorifies self- sacrifice?



I have nothing against those who are OK doing this. More power to you! More power to every single MOTHER out there.



Here’s what I say.



Its YOUR baby.



It’s YOUR body.



It’s YOUR mind.



It’s YOUR marriage.



It’s YOUR sanity.



It’s YOUR career.



So, if YOU have a choice- MAKE it. Whatever it be! No mother will ever bring the slightest harm to her baby. NOR WILL YOU! You have the right to bring your baby up YOUR way!







Remember this- THERE IS NO BETTER MOTHER FOR YOUR BABY THAN YOU!







If you can take the sleepless nights, its brilliant- you are doing great Momma! More love to you!



If you have taken a career break- don’t look back and regret. It was your choice. You are doing great! More love to you!



If you quit your job- its fine! You are enough! You are awesome! More love to you!



If you have been cribbing over that crib- go ahead, buy it! Sleep train. Sleep. More love to you too!











P.S: I have ordered that crib- the whole mattress, sheet, side rolls deal! And darkening curtains and blinds and door seals. And have signed up for a sleep training course. Will report back on what a massive failure or what a beautiful success or how “meh” it is!!