Summary of “The Courage to be disliked”
By: Swapnil Dwivedi
Tags: Positive Thinking, Self Help, Psychology, Dreams, Self Improvement

“The Courage to be disliked” by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga — Set in the format of dialogues between a philosopher and a young student, this book has its foundation in Adlerian Psychology — established by Austrian Psychologist Alfred Adler. Adlerian Psychology, which is also considered ‘Psychology of Courage’ says: “World is simple and life is simple too. And people can change”.

Over the course of five nights, Philosopher and students discuss and argue over multiple aspects that affect lives of most of us — past trauma, ego, competition, feelings of inferiority, Freedom & happiness and try to come up with answers to some key questions such as

- Can people change? How much are we shaped by past events and what all is in our control

- What to expect from others or what not to expect from others?

- How to handle competitions and feelings of jealousy and envy?

- What is freedom and how to be free?

- How to be happy in life?

Below are some of the key takeaways and answers to some of the questions mentioned above. While you may or may not agree with all of them, but some of them are worth pondering over and maybe you can even have a philosophical discourse of your own with a friend or mentor.

First Night; Deny Trauma:

Past Doesn’t matter.

Thinking everything is an effect (Now) of causes (past) is determinism which makes it look like change is impossible

In Adlerian psychology, the present is thought of as Goals which are driven by one’s purposes.

Focus is not on past causes but present goals

“Who you are”- has been chosen by you. You can change “Who you are” but change requires courage.

People don’t change cause it’s easy to remain who you are, even while facing some difficulties on a day to day basis.

Don’t live in the realm of possibilities — “If I were X or Y, I will be happy”

‘’No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on. You… living in here and now, are the one who determines your life”

Second Night; All problems are interpersonal problems:

There is nothing wrong with the feeling of inferiority. ex- ‘I am not well educated so I will have to work harder’ — this can be a trigger for striving and growth

But when you transform this feeling to an inferiority complex ex-’If only I was well educated, I could be really successful’ then it implies now nothing can be done. Also, it leads to a fabricated sense of superiority where you think the “real me” which is obscured by matter if education, is superior

No one can put up with the feelings of inferiority for a long time, so if one doesn’t have the courage of taking actions to remove it, they follow the second route

A healthy feeling of inferiority is something which comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self not from comparing oneself to others.

“Life is not a competition. Think of other people as your comrades, not your enemies”

“If you think of interpersonal relationships as competition, then you perceive other people’s happiness as ‘my defeat’ and you can’t celebrate it. Once one is released from the schema of competition, need to triumph over someone disappears. One is also released from the fear that says, Maybe I will lose “

Third Night; Discard other people’s tasks:

Need for recognition from others leads to dissatisfaction and unhappiness in life.

Recognition/appreciation etc are essentially other people’s tasks. Which brings up the idea of separation of tasks: 1. Our tasks 2. Other’s tasks

Separation of these tasks is key to gaining “freedom”. You need to be clear about what is your tasks and what are others and then focus on yours. Example: how you do your work is your task, whether others at office praise you or think bad of you that is not your task so don’t bother about that.

“There is a cost incurred when one wants to exercise one’s freedom. And the cost of freedom in interpersonal relationships is that one is disliked by other people”

“Unless one is unconcerned by other people’s judgements, has no fear of being disliked by other people, and pays the cost that one might never be recognised, one will never be able to follow through in one’s own way of living. That is to say, one will not be able to be free.”

Don’t be afraid of being disliked → “I don’t want to be disliked but I don’t mind If I am”. Not wanting to be disliked’ is probably my task but whether if not so-and-so dislikes me is the other person’s task.

Courage to be happy — → Courage to be disliked

Fourth Night; Where Centre of the world is:

Courage comes from Self Worth (What can I do for the community — by actions or even just by being there)

People make a leap from being their ‘life’s protagonist’ to becoming ‘the world’s protagonist’. For this reason, whenever they come in contact with another person, all they can think is, What will this person give me? — This expectation is not going to be satisfied on every occasion cause other people aren’t living to satisfy your expectations. Then when those expectations are not satisfied, they become deeply disillusioned and feel as if they have been horribly insulted.

One must not praise. And one must not rebuke, either. All words that are used to judge other people are words that come out of vertical relationships, and we need to build horizontal relationships

Horizontal relationships are built on encouragement and gratitude. In horizontal relationships everyone is equal in conscience everywhere, Be it at school, work.

“You may think of your workplace as driven by vertical relationships — for example between you and your boss. and that makes you believe you have to follow orders even if you don’t agree with them. You are wrong. This is a life lie. There is a space for you to refuse, and there should also be a space for you to propose a better way of doing things. you are just thinking there is no space to refuse so that you can avoid the conflict of interpersonal relations and avoid responsibility”

The Fifth Night; To live in earnest in the here and now:

“Accept what is irreplaceable. Accept ‘this me’ just as it is. And have the courage for what one can change. That is self-acceptance”

“The fact that you think you can see the past, or predict the future, is proof that rather than living earnestly here and now, you are living in dim twilight. Life is a series of moments, and neither the past nor the future exists. You are trying to give yourself a way out by focusing on the past and the future.

The life of the past that looks like a straight line only appears that way to you as a result of your making a ceaseless resolution to not change. the life that lies ahead of you is a completely blank page, and there are no tracks that have been laid out for you to follow. There is no story there.

“Let’s dance in the earnest the moments of the here and now, and live in earnest. Do not look at the past, and do not look at the future. One lives each complete moment like a dance. There is no need to compete with anyone, and one has no use for destinations. As long as you are dancing, you will get somewhere”