The Difference Between Porn Blowjobs and Good Blowjobs
By: Christine Stevens
Tags: Humor, Relationships, Sex, Sexuality, Dating

The Difference Between Porn Blowjobs and Good Blowjobs

An avid practitioner’s guide

Pixabay

I have always loved to give blowjobs — I think because I am a people-pleaser and nothing pleases a man more than fellatio.

But when I watch porn I am always surprised at the difference between my techniques and the way the pros do it. I have canvased all my boyfriends and they all assure me that I’m doing it well. So why then this discrepancy?

What I have learned is there are some things that look exciting to the viewer of a porn blowjob, but don’t necessarily feel great to the man receiving them.

Difference Number One — Get down on your knees and pray?

I’m a big feminist, but you know what, it’s not feminism that makes me object to the girl getting down on her knees on some porn-mansion’s travertine tile floor. It’s just practicality. First of all, tile is cold. Of course, if you are wearing knee pads that’s fine for you, but what if you’re not? Or even if there’s a rug on the floor, I hate a carpet burn, don’t you? Those things can take weeks to heal.

Now, I don’t mind pretending to be your sex slave — that could be fun — but aren’t you getting kinda lonely up there, big guy, standing there with your hand on the top of my head? How ‘bout we bring you down to earth?

Secondly, standing doesn’t add anything to the man’s experience. The man is going to get worn out in a very short time standing there in his uncomfortable but extremely macho cowboy boots.

Why not let a man lie down on his back, on a bed or a couch or a back seat? Sure, it’s very filmic to see a woman pull a standing man’s jeans down and out pops the weasel, and so on. But we don’t need all that. Life is to be enjoyed — it’s not a show.

Difference Number Two — Ballsucking is annoying for both parties

Alright, there’s nothing grosser than a scrotum, let’s face it. So why do the porno movies always feature this requisite ball sucking interlude, right near the beginning of the blowjob?

I’ve asked the guys. Getting their balls sucked is ticklish, sometimes painful, and always kinda irritating. In no way is it arousing.

I’ve asked girls. They don’t like it either.

Is your millennial guy doing the ball shaving thing? Alright, that improves the ball sucking experience somewhat, but I can never avoid the nagging thought, “I’m sucking some balls right now.” Like who wakes up in the morning, takes stock of the day that awaits them, and with a bright smile on their perky little face predicts, I’ma suck some testicles today!

Of course, in the porn video it provides some variety. But in real life, the blowjob does not demand variety. For instance, ask a man, “When you masturbate, do you have any variety?” The answer will be yes. But the variety is only of one kind — speed. As he gets closer to orgasm the man will speed up. That is all the variety you need ladies. The blowjob is not a smorgasbord. It is a one course meal — sausage — that you eat at an ever-increasing pace until the sausage blows up in your face. Fun, right?

Difference Number Three — Is the shaft super?

Sorry, it isn’t. Every porn video has the flicking the tongue up and down the shaft. I guess it’s supposed to be a tease. She’s not putting her tongue on the head of the snake yet, she’s just teasing her way up the shaft.

I understand that kind of teasing. I like a man to tease me by licking his way up the my thighs before he devours the clam.

But the thighs are soft and sensitive.

A hard shaft is practically insensate. Men have told me they find it theatrical and unnecessary. What they want is your luscious lips on the head of their dong. You don’t need to suck balls and you don’t need to lick shaft.

Difference Number Four — Please don’t corkscrew the penis with your hands

Have you seen this? While she’s sucking on the head, the porn star will corkscrew her hands around the shaft as if this was adding a whole other level of excitement.

It’s not. It’s distracting.

You have to put yourself in the man’s shoes for a second and remember that your lips are providing him with the greatest sensation of joy that he will ever have in his whole life ever.

Please don’t distract from that by giving him a sprained penis shaft!

Imagine at the very moment a man was notified that they just won the lottery, you kicked him in the foot.

That would be weird.

Why make it weird for this lucky guy? You have no idea how nice it is for a man to have lips round the tip of the cock, sucking. Descending, ascending, descending again around the penis. Creating a vacuum around the penis, that causes the delightful sucking pressure all around it. No vagina in the world will ever suck around it that tight. Yes, in a way, it is better than intercourse for man. In a way, it’s not, because it’s slightly lonelier than intercourse. But on this physical level it is vastly superior. So don’t kick him in the foot while you’re giving him this joyous gift, please.

Difference Number Five — Deep what now?

Full disclosure, I have a very strong gag reflex, so maybe this is biased. But again, it comes back to the basic principle — the pleasure is in the head of the penis, not the shaft. So why do we need to stick 8 inches of bratwurst down our frickin’ throats? Is this some display of athleticism on our parts? No. Deepthroating is a circus act. I am not a circus performer. I am a woman.

And listen mister, are you sure you really want to try this, because I ate chunky chicken and vegetable soup for lunch? I might just puke that up all over your mid section. It will seep down in between your legs and through the sheets and it will be quite awful, trust me.

But if you’re absolutely set on me proving my worth as a female by letting your penis explore my lower esophegeal region, I think you might be a frustrated endoscopy technician. You can actually get a certificate in that in less than two years of training and it does pay pretty well. Text me, I’ll give you some info on where to apply.

Difference Number Six — The Moneyshot

Alright, this is perhaps the most controversial difference between real blowjobs and fantasy porn jobs — the cumshot in the face at the moment of truth.

First problem, if you do that then we’re not going to be able to have intercourse most likely, so that’s one strike against.

Second, I just paid 300 dollars to get my hair straightened and I do not, repeat, do not want your sperm to interact with those Brazilian chemicals. I mean, that might create a new life form and lead to the end of the world.

Third, as to letting your sperm drip down my face, and into my mouth where it’s supposedly so delicious that I just have to lap it up, yum, yum, yum.

Um…I like fairytales as much as the next gal. But that, sir, is simply preposterous. Oh, you ate pineapple, thanks. That’s really gong to help. No, if I’m going to swallow, I’m going to swallow with your penis in my mouth so that the bitter batter of life goes quickly down my throat and I hardly taste it at all.

I’m not going to be lapping it up like it’s candy.

It’s god awful, if you must know. Absolutely wretched. But we are willing to taste it every now and then to prove that we’re real sports. That’s more than enough for you.

Morever, you could poke an eye out. I mean, I suppose I could wear protective goggles, but that’s a bit of a turn off, isn’t it? What if you sprayed that stuff into my eyeballs and I went blind? Wouldn’t you feel horrible?

Or up my nose? I could inhale at the wrong moment, and the sperm could go up my nose, cross the blood brain barrier, and fertilize some weird brain cell in my cerebrum and in nine months a real monster might crawl out of my ear and go “Momma! Momma!”

Don’t get me wrong. I am perfectly willing to be degraded. But it’s going to be on my terms. I’ll show you the handcuffs later, OK. And if you’re a good boy I might even give you a peek at my dungeon. Yeah, I got some degrading stuff down there, you’re gonna love it.

But, cum in my face, no. Just no.

Bottom line is this, ladies. You put your lovely lips on that purple helmet and you move them at an ever more rapid pace until that boy feels the gates of heaven itself open up, the angels sing and the horns blow.

And what you decide to do with that mess is your business. But I recommend keeping a dishtowel at hand if he’s going to finish that way.

Better yet, get him good and primed and then stop right before he’s going to blow.

Then jump on that hard shaft and take it for a good long ride.