The Day I Ran out of Bacon
By: Jean Campbell
Tags: Nutrition, Diet, Humor, Autoimmune Disease, Bacon

SELF-IMPROVEMENT

The Day I Ran out of Bacon

Imagine eating like Australopithecus. Welcome to my new diet.

“I have nothing for breakfast,” I pined.

This was shameless hyperbole, as I could’ve eaten sardines.

I’ve been eating bacon now for nearly three months, every morning. Before that, I ate eggs. But a new diet, AIP (Autoimmune Protocol) forced me to say a tearful goodbye to omelets.

Eggs are a no-no for people who overreact to everything: noise, other humans, scents, cable news, etc. And oh yeah, friggin’ gluten.

Gluten is the devil, and his minions are soy sauce, cross-contaminated oatmeal and gluten-free pizza.

I volunteered for this hell. My doctor and nutritionist told me it would be about six months before I could “reintroduce” normal foods, to see if I react.

I picture the “reinto” going something like this:

Me: Hey, it’s nice to see you again! Wow, you look great!

Food I Used to Know (FIUK): Uh, yeah…I think you’re thinking of someone else? Like, no offense but aren’t you friends with my mom?

Me: We spent months traveling around Europe together! How could you forget me?

FIUK: I’ve really gotta go. I’m having drinks and pizza with some friends. And by the way, you look pale but also really red at the same time. Are you okay?

Me: Please don’t ghost me for cocktails and gluten.

FIUK: No seriously — you were so clingy when we were in Paris. Have a nice life, though, and good luck with that skin condition.

What I can and cannot eat

This AIP diet removes all deliciousness from life. No coffee, no caffeine — no tasty beverages of any kind. Sugar — ha! Don’t make me laugh. Chuck out the chocolate, butter and all grains.

What’s left is the kind of food we ate shortly after leaving tree-hopping chimp status: vegetables, occasional fruits (not too much, they taste good!) and whatever we could hunt. Plus, lots of broths and offal (those are organ meats).

Toss out the nuts. Nix the white potatoes. Alcohol? Please. And forget about anything with a bright label on it, like diet Snapple or twizzlers.

Coconut milk is acceptable, unless you’re like me and find it induces a semi-comatose state.

Bacon to the rescue!

Which brings me back to bacon, a food I can apparently eat with impunity.

This pork elixir is also the only way to master the Art of Eating Vegetables for breakfast. Fry up two or three strips, strain out most of the grease, and toss in handfuls of kale or mustard greens.

Or just sizzle the bacon by its lonesome, and concoct a tolerably good green smoothie (using up all my daily fruit credits through the insane gluttony of half a banana with a cup of strawberries).

Photo by Thomas Park on Unsplash

One false move

The truth all dieters know is this: eating healthy is boring, tedious and isolating. It’s especially annoying when you have to be 100% strict or face The Wrath of Symptoms.

According to everything I’ve read about autoimmune disease, one misstep and you are catapulted backward to square one.

An impulsive trip to the Chinese buffet means swift and sure punishment: sleepless nights and days filled with hot flashes and regret.

The middle food ages

I should’ve lived centuries ago, before comfort foods, grocery stores and the right to own property.

Back then, I could’ve smeared some butter on a warm piece of fresh-baked black bread and been grateful to live beyond the age of 50.

In the Dark Ages, I could’ve enjoyed a stein or boot full of beer with no regrets and been glad I wasn’t drinking from the local dubious water source.

But I live in an age of deep-fried delights. So I mostly dodge food and its fluorescent, smooth-talking cousin, foodstuffs.

Bacon is my security blanket

Never again will I forget to have a package of nitrate and sugar-free bacon on hand, even as Month Six approaches and I can step off this merry-go-round-of unnatural food avoidance.

But I hear the reintroduction process is the worst part. Each substance must be consumed by itself, in tiny amounts, over a series of three days. One pea, then two hours later a teaspoon of peas, and the next day a small serving. Good grief.

Photo by Mikołaj Idziak on Unsplash

By my calculations, it will take months just to get coffee, chocolate, peanut butter, rice, eggs and 37 other things I miss back into my diet.

If you think this is crazy, it’s only because the symptoms of low thyroid disease are sluggishness, lack of motivation, headaches, fatigue, inability to sleep, constipation, the world’s slowest metabolism, and overreaction to light, noise, people, life.

Those are only the ones I can recall, since brain fog is in there, too.

The thing is, I feel a smidge better. Not Olympic games, torch-bearing better — but I sleep through the night. It could be the vegetables and smoothies, I guess.

But I’m leaning towards the bacon.