Moral Harassment Techniques for Victims’ Awareness: Overpromising
By: Anastasiya Rostova
Tags: Abuse, Harassment, Violence Against Women, Violence, Psychology

You cannot reach a person fully content with their life. That’s why aggressors ruin this balance with promises and vague hints. The image of a bright future is able to deprive you of your present-day happiness. Unhappy people are subject to control and manipulation. In the reality of Orwell’s “1984” novel, citizens have no basic things like decent food or healthcare, and this weakens them. Even a promise of slightly better life matters.

The predator will try to tie you to what you want most, providing it…virtually. Photo source: Pexels.

Many aggressors act like this — they take value from where you are now for the sake of a great future. You become not good enough, neither is your circle, salary, marriage, social status. “You can do better than that…” — and then they start bombarding you with their hints and promises. They will do it until they find the right hook for you to participate in their game.

They create the ‘winning the prize’ culture where people need to be in a continued race — or they are simply thrown away from the ‘elite’ circle eligible to participate. Anyway, the prize is always a ‘maybe’ thing, nothing is guaranteed, just promised — for you to contribute to the predator’s projects like crazy. Along with many other victims, yep.

Disclaimer. This blog post is written by a former victim, not a psychology genius.

Overpromising: What It Looks Like?

It will never be straightforward like: ‘I have something just for you, it’s effective immediately’. Nope. It will always be like ‘I am thinking of launching another company, it would be great to pick a decent partner for it’. Since you heard the person spilling this in front of you, you will assume that you might be a candidate for this partner role. You start investing your best effort in this career advancement.

Playing games with a famous cheater is not a good idea. Skip it… forever. Photo source: Pexels

However, this will never become real. Either the plan will change, and the promised company is never around, or someone else is picked. (They might be someone’s relative, a person with the right network, or simply a new victim at the ‘courtesy’ stage.) You feel deeply disappointed, as you’ve got that hint. You will think that you’re not good enough. The aggressor will most likely tell you that they didn’t mean to make that hint. (It’s a lie — of course, they meant, they wanted to squeeze the maximum out of you…)

The aggressor will fake the entire relationship if they find you a good property to possess. Photo source: Pexels

Within the dating context, the predator will juggle with love, marriage, and divorce concepts. First, they will persuade you that you’re of exceptional interest to them and the only love of their life. Second, they’ll switch to their favorite mode: “I thought you’re perfect, but you’re not good enough, maybe I should continue my search…” Third, they will enjoy watching you trying to grab a portion of their attention and persuade them that you’re the one. The answer will always be that you are not good enough — until they consume all you can give them. From a sexual viewpoint, they need only themselves, so all victims are just batteries for their ego. They don’t need anyone, so the entire race is a fraud. They simply like dominating people.

Overpromising: Why It Works?

Our instincts say to us that we need to make progress in life by accumulating more and more resources. Be it money, recognition, success in building a family and having kids, we want all these shiny things, we want to gain more and more. Living a better life is an essential need. This is what the aggressor uses as a hook — they promise you ultra-fast progress. They pretend to have the key to your welfare or prosperity. And you’ll see that key thrown away…

You may discover that the Master got hold of your life thanks to their promises. Photo source: Unsplash

Predators enjoy building hopes and destroying them. The crush of hopes, despair, anger, tears — sadists like all these destructive emotions. “If my fellow human is destroyed, while I’m okay, I am superior!” — that’s the subconscious message behind the sadistic delight. This is why they overpromise to enjoy the victim’s full despair in the future. When your hopes are broken, you feel lost and unhappy; you doubt if you are a decent person. This is the right moment for your aggressor to pop up and explain things in their favor. “You put not enough effort into that brilliant opportunity of being beside me…” — that’s what they tell their forever-potential business partners and spouses, this is how they cheat on their never promoted employees.

Overpromising: Real-World Examples

Quite often aggressors have businesses attractive to external victims. Commonly, they hire a seasoned professional for a minor position that pre-assumes that they will lose their existing skills. Who would ever agree for a downgrade? Right, no one. This is where they use fake promise as a hook to make you enter the waiting game. While you’re waiting, you’re contributing to their business. I would recommend you to read this Reddit for yet another example of such a neglectful attitude.

The abuser will fill your reality with broken dreams and mistrust. Photo source: Unsplash

When the predator pretends that they are in love, they promise to abandon their existing partner in a very vague manner. For example, they start cursing their spouse or talk to you about love stories, wedding ceremonies, or sexual preferences. They will also share intimate stories from their past complaining about the lack of support and people’s rudeness. The air will be saturated with promises of a fake happy end for your relationship. The very agenda will push the love button in your head even if you have never considered them as a partner. Anyway, they will point you to the distant future of this great love and will use you as someone rendering them services in the meantime. Years after people will associate you with the aggressor, as you were one of the multiple victims who shared pictures of you two on social.

Promises that are never fulfilled will keep you locked down at the ‘if only’ stage. Photo source: Unsplash

Very often predators are lazy. They tell every new toy the same old story. The problem is that it’s really dangerous for a naive victim. Aggressors normally target people with strong morals who can never think of consuming others. For the victim, it’s all real — be it a divorce or wedding promise, — the victim would have never played with this. This might result in suicide. The victim only gives and never takes, getting just promises. So it is still common — Chandana VK committed suicide after her boyfriend’s refusal to marry her after 5 years of promises to do so…

Overpromising: How to Protect Yourself From It?

Most manipulators stick to the ‘white words, dark actions’ model. Watch their actions — you’ll discover that they have never been good to you. First they invest in you doing you some minor good. Second, they get a huge return of this investment pretending to be a friend of yours. You will be amazed by the huge difference between what they did for you and how much they extracted from you in the end. They are good at calculations, right. Be equally good at charging them for what they want you to do! Most likely, you’ll lose your ‘friend’ after you ask them for fair compensation. However, you’ll save a lot more by getting rid of them. Nothing to regret.

Have your virtual plugs handy when the aggressor is approaching you. They’re liars. Photo source: Unsplash

Talk facts and be harsh, if you still need to deal with the aggressor. Switch off their ‘I’m your friend/beloved partner’ mode. You will be surprised by the greedy and unattractive personality unveiled all of a sudden. They will try to talk love and friendship to you, even pat you in the back to assure you that you are dear to them. Keep the distance. They only want to exploit you. Most likely, they have already invented how to use you if they are playing their usual game of a nice guy surrounded by bastards.

If you ask them directly why they haven’t kept any of their promises, they will scapegoat someone else. It’s them, not just their valetry. They will try to fool you, so you are free to smile at them and say ‘no’. Be consistent in refusals and prepare yourself for defaming — they live and breathe silent revenge. Stabbing an ex-friend in the back, right. Be prepared for the worst rumors to be spread behind your back after your break-up. Don’t be scared. Be your normal self, and people will discover the truth, sooner or later.

Conclusion

Your true friends will do something for you, not just promise you rivers of gold don’t-know-when. People who love you will strive to make this world a safer place for you. They won’t be just takers, they will also be givers. They will take ownership of what they said to you, understanding that you rely on their words. If there’s a discrepancy between words and actions, and this strategy of overpromising drives you crazy, get out of such a relationship. A person cannot feel used and consumed for long, it’s harmful for your mental health. There are billions of people in this awesome world. Some of them want to see you happy!