The Gay Wedding Toast That Brought Straight Men to Tears
By: Sean Smith
Tags: Life, LGBTQ, Family, Fatherhood, Love

“There was hardly a dry eye in the room when my husband finished speaking.”

My husband, Mike, and I were married at noon on May 31, 2014, on the green roof of a Washington DC office building.

The reception took place inside the adjacent, all-glass penthouse conference center. It was a beautiful warm spring day, sunny, 81 degrees, with puffy clouds floating gently in the sky.

There were about a hundred guests for a decidedly-Italian catered luncheon that included an enormous pot of Italian wedding soup that my Mom and I had made together the night before.

Although the wedding was only six years ago, sometimes it feels more like a film I saw twenty years ago.

For months leading up to the wedding, I had been so caught up in the planning that when the day finally came, it flew by.

I’m not saying I was a gay Bridezilla, but if it weren’t for all the wedding photos, I’m sure I couldn’t tell you exactly who was there.

One part I will never forget, however, is how my husband’s speech at the reception brought many of the men (as well as many of the women) in the room to tears.

Honestly, at the time, I didn’t realize how deeply moved people were, but in the years since, I’ve gotten messages from them and their wives, remembering the toast. Like this text message from my cousin after the death of their family dog:

Speaking of their heartbreaking loss she wrote, “It was the only the second time I saw Bill [her husband] cry in 35 years. The first time was at your wedding.”

Her text reminded me that when Mike had given his toast, I looked up and saw my straight personal trainer crying.

At that moment, I realized that whatever I planned to say, however funny or profound, it was not the time. I stood up and mumbled a few words, thanking everyone for coming.

Intuitively, I realized that although nearly every single detail of the wedding had my name on it, this was Mike’s turn to shine. I had no choice but to take a step back and give him the stage.

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All Men Have Daddy Issues

Let’s face it; American culture doesn’t promote the expression of affection between fathers and sons. As a result, many men, straight and gay, grow up longing for more nurturing relationships with their dads and a little less sports and weather talk.

How many men have you heard say, my father never told me he loved me? It’s kinda sad.

I remember blubbering like a baby when I saw Field of Dreams. Never mind that I hate baseball and never had any use for Kevin Costner. My point is, in one way or another, all men have father issues.

Just remember Oedipus.

In my own case, my husband is older than me. Once when we were buying a mattress together, the clueless salesman asked him, “Is the mattress for you or your son?” I nearly died laughing because he’s only 16 years older than I am.

Anyway, in 2014 Mike was 64, making him nearly as old as or older than many of the guests. Mike is also an ex-Marine. There is nothing effeminate about him. Unless told, few people, even other gays, would ever think he’s gay. His voice is low, without a trace of that beautiful lilt that belies many gay men.

Lastly, my husband is a diehard Bob Dylan fan so it was no surprise to me when he quoted him in his toast. The lyrics he quoted were from the song, Tonight I’ll Be Staying Here With You.

For many of the guests, especially the straight men who knew the song, hearing the word’s that Bob Dylan had no doubt written for a woman, said to another man, triggered both nostalgia and a deep-rooted longing for male affection.

After thanking everyone for coming and saying how much it meant to us, he said he wanted to read a quote from Bob Dylan. He noted the fact he had to write it down, which showed how nervous he was.

Pulling a piece of paper from his breast pocket, somehow looking directly at me, he read the first verse:

Is it really any wonder The love that a stranger might receive You cast your spell and I went under I find it so difficult to leave

Then came the second verse, which landed like a knockout punch:

Throw my ticket out the window Throw my suitcase out there, too Throw my troubles out the door I don’t need them anymore ’Cause tonight I’ll be staying here with you

Those who know me know can testify that I am seldom struck speechless. That day I was. Furthermore, I rarely pass up a chance to be the center of attention. That day, I did.

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Marriage is a Promise

Mike and I were together for almost twelve years before gay marriage was made legal in the District of Columbia.

The irony of this story is that I was ambivalent about tying the knot when he first proposed to me. Not because I didn’t love him, but because in my eyes we were already married.

Since I was very young, I’d always known I was different. And I also knew there was nothing wrong with me.

So, for decades I had stopped seeking the approval of society, the government, or even my family, for that matter. When they belatedly got around to bestowing it, I didn’t want to give any of them any credence.

Our marriage, I said, “is built on a promise we made to one another, to love and care for each other, come what may.” We don’t need a court, the Church, our families, or even to have children together to ratify that promise.

Aside from living together, we were not legally bound together in any way.

Even though we don’t always get along perfectly, and sometimes we fight, our marriage has endured because of that promise.

Today I woke up feeling very emotional but also especially grateful for that.

Lately, I’ve been feeling emotional for several reasons, the biggest one being my career. Earlier this year,, I left the security of a job and a paycheck and decided to strike out on my own.

Now, I am preparing to launch a digital content masterclass series that I’ve been working on for months. As the moment of truth approaches, many of my fears and insecurities are in full bloom. To say the least.

At the same time, according to my therapist, the definition of mental health is the ability to have two seemingly contradictory emotions simultaneously, without needing to allow one to invalidate the other.

For me, that means being okay with the anxiety and excitement I feel because I know I am loved. As I am. And for that, I am forever grateful.