What It Feels Like When Your Heart Bleeds Out
By: Krista Mollion
Tags: Soul Searching, Midlife, Stuck In Life, Soul, Transformation

What It Feels Like When Your Heart Bleeds Out

I realized one day in horror that I was living a fake life. It wasn’t me that was important but the role I was hired to act in. Like in a play, I had been assigned a part and it was my job to fulfill that role. That is what was expected and should I fail, I would suffer the consequences. And the worst part? I had assigned myself this role!

Yes, I am fully responsible for the outcome.

When I had this awakening, my first thought was confusion.

Why had I never thought of myself more before?

Why had I put my needs last?

What did I actually want in my life?

Who was I anyway?

These were new questions as I’d previously always given to everyone except me:

Wife — My role was to be a good wife to my husband. Listen without saying a word to his criticism, follow and obey his instructions, arrange everything in a way as to please his wishes, and play an outward role as his wife in front of others.

Mother — My most important job. To care for these beautiful precious beings. Of course, I forgot all about myself. It was impossible not to when they have needs to be met.

Society Woman — I played a role I designed. Upper-middle-class modern woman. I filled the role well. And yes, I know how terribly superficial this sounds because it was.

These roles seemed dignified, important, yet I felt anything but. While I loved my husband and my kids, something within me had begun to yearn for me, the stranger, the one who was invisible.

When I experienced this confusion that was to be my awakening, at first I pushed it away. I did not want to question my roles. They were who I was. Period.

Yet the inner voice wouldn’t go away. I started drinking. Heavily. By myself, after I put the kids to bed. Then I stopped sleeping almost altogether. I would just drink and think and try to use the Internet to distract me. I wrote poetry. I practiced sports. I tried to distract myself in any way I could.

The inner voice grew louder. I started questioning what my purpose was. I didn’t feel valued in my roles any longer. I felt like an imposter. A new sense of urgency emerged. I had no time left to waste. I needed to start living my purpose. I didn’t yet know what they meant but simply that it was my purpose.

I signed up for a yoga retreat. I skipped town. I went to the most beautiful place — Big Sur, California. It is a healing place, a place for spiritual awakening. I cried. I screamed. I started to discover who I was. I was fierce. I was authentic. I was passionate. None of this was known to me beforehand.

I returned home but I knew I didn’t belong there anymore. My husband was a stranger to me. I asked him for a divorce. It wouldn’t be finalized until nearly three years later. But that was the beginning, a new dawn. It wan’t easy. The kids hated me for a while. But I never once doubted my decision. I just couldn’t do it another way.

Time and distance heals. The kids came around. My ex quickly remarried someone he just met. She had a kid too. I had a baby with an old boyfriend. New families were born. Life moved forward.

Looking back, I think I was a different person. It’s hard to describe. I was living on a superficial level and now I am living on a soul level. The path has been far from easy. I have stumbled. I have strayed. But I stay true to the voice now. It guides me forward. Where to next? I don’t know but I obey. I know now that I am on the right road. Free to soar.