Check on the Strong Ones
By: Kayus Fernander
Tags: Coping, Strength, Mental Health, Self, Connection

The past few years have taught me a lot about being the strong one. For one thing, it’s a good way to shatter your mental health and well-being. I remember specifically when I realised that this was an unsustainable way to live.

It was the summer of 2017 and it seemed that several events had converged into what felt like a perfect storm of despair. If this language sounds dramatic, that’s because I want to convey the feelings brought on by the events of this time. A relationship that I thought was something special had proven to be an unrequited love affair. My best friend’s father had died suddenly. As if by some strange coincidence, my own father was undergoing a medical procedure that was scary to all of us, him especially. And I was in The Bahamas as we were facing the near-certain impact of a devastating hurricane. Not to mention there was a mouse running around the house that I couldn’t seem to get rid of, some kind of an irritating, physical reminder that I couldn’t control everything, no matter how hard I tried.

Taken in isolation, each of these events was stressful enough (listen, I can’t stand rodents, so that was the straw that broke the camel’s back).

But like every other time I’d encountered some great difficulty in my life, I pushed down any feelings of despair, sadness, frustration or fear. Because I needed to be the strong one. I had created this image that I needed to maintain: this person who was too focused, too accomplished, too ambitious to dwell on the things that weren’t going right in life. I needed to be strong to prove that I had control over my emotions, to show that it was possible to push through adversity.

What I didn’t realise, however, was that this was creating an ever-growing cloud of stress that would eventually erupt into a thunderstorm of crisis.

I returned to London from The Bahamas in September, having not shared any of my difficulties with anyone else. I thought that everyone was already occupied enough with their issues, why should I burden them with mine. Besides, I didn’t have the practice of being vulnerable and giving voice to my inner feelings…that was what other people did, not me (strong one, remember?)

So I carried the burdens of fear and sadness with me, all the way back to my flat in East London, back to my job in Canary Wharf, back to the everyday busyness of my life as a single, professional in a big city. The constant goings-on of my life kept my issues artificially at bay, until they couldn’t be held back any longer.

I wasn’t sleeping well and couldn’t put my finger on it. The restlessness was punctuated by vivid dreams, dreams that became borderline hallucinations. I found myself involuntarily rolling out of bed and crashing into my wardrobe one night. Or in the midst of waking another night, seeing things that just were not there and being unsure whether I was still dreaming. It was a terrifying time and the first real signal that something was wrong. I was under immense stress and my physiology couldn’t support my usual coping mechanisms any longer. The fact was, I didn’t have a coping mechanism, I wasn’t coping at all. I was barely surviving.

However, there is no down side to reaching out and asking how someone is doing, and then listening, REALLY listening.

I reached out to a close friend and asked for a recommendation for a professional counsellor. He had previously suggested that I see one, not for any one reason in particular, but most likely because through conversation it was obvious that I had many questions, many unresolved issues. However, it was only when this particular crisis struck that I took his recommendation seriously and decided to seek help. I had decided that I couldn’t be strong any longer.

As this current global crisis continues, we’re collectively experiencing unprecedented times and our understanding of reality is being challenged. We don’t know what is true any more. Our sense of stability and trust in institutions have both been shaken by the uncertainty of living through a global pandemic. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, but it is. And the things that we normally cling to for structure and order are no longer there: the routine of going to work, the expected ritual of meeting loved ones, the planned celebrations of birthdays and weddings, the anticipation of overseas travel — everything has been altered.

So if we’re all experiencing these strange times together, imagine what it must be like having to bear everything under the guise of being ‘the strong one’? It must be terrifyingly difficult.

Photo by Naomi August on Unsplash

A few months into the pandemic, I started seeing social media posts about checking on the strong ones, because we all gradually recognised that the weight of this current situation was too much for anyone to bear on their own AND because the ‘strong ones’ are accustomed to dealing with things alone, we risked losing people. It was an invitation, a call to action to realise that someone’s silence, their ‘carrying on with life’ might be an opportunity to reach out and provide that human connection that we all crave.

Checking on someone might seem unnecessary, especially if they seem to have it all together, or at the very least, they seem to be coping. However, there is no down side to reaching out and asking how someone is doing, and then listening, REALLY listening.

If they really are fine, then you’ve made, re-kindled or strengthened a connection, which can only be a positive in maintaining your healthy relationships.

But, if they’re struggling then you will have provided an opening, an invitation for sharing and seeking support. It could very well be a lifeline in a time of struggle.

The truth is, we could all use a support system, no matter how good life appears to be. If you’re anything like me, you could believe that it’s normal to ignore and repress negative feelings, fearful that giving them any acknowledgement opens the door to them taking over completely. I’ve learned that sitting and contending with my feelings, however negative they may be, is not a sign of weakness or failure, but a necessary part of being a complete human being.

There might be people in your life, yourself included, who wants so badly to be the strong one for everyone else, even for themselves. From experience, I can tell you that this can be a lonely, self-harming way to be. Do yourself and your relationships a favour by checking on the strong ones, even if that strong one is looking you right in the mirror every day.