A Race Against Crime: Policing On Foot
By: Brendan O'Brien
Tags: Police, Satire, Humor

A Race Against Crime: Policing On Foot

The city council of Westbrook has officially defunded their police force. The new budget, equal to that of their local public school system, resulted in police officers pursuing and preventing crime on foot. Last month I was able to jog along Officer Kevin Braddock and get a direct look at how he and the local police are adapting to being defunded.

“Without my riot gear, tanks, or horse all I have to rely on is my physical prowess and keen senses,” said Officer Braddock. “I have to be at my physical peak to run after and catch all criminals.” I asked what if the criminals are in a car? That’s when Braddock pulled out his Smith & Wesson Model 500 .50-Cal. Magnum.

Since defunding, the Westbrook police force had to streamline their budget to purchase only the essentials for their line of work; guns, ammunition, and Fitbits. All officers underwent a rigorous 30 minute Zoom training detailing a new procedure of law enforcement.

“First, how far away is the crime? Can I get there fast enough to stop it?”, said Officer Braddock. “ If I can’t get there in time on foot I size up the criminal. Is he wearing running shoes? Is he athletic, or pudgy, or black? That indicates if I can catch him in a race.”

“And if you think you cannot pursue him?”

“I shoot him. And that’s how you enforce the law.”

“There are pros and cons to every system,” Councilwoman Abigail McKinley stated. “Last quarter street crime dropped 2.2% since last year.”

“What about the percentage of officers firing their weapon?”

“That has gone up 170%, but our officers’ average mile run time is now 9 minutes and 35 seconds.”

The City Council reallocated the millions of dollars from the police budget to local businesses. None of the budget was allocated to improve local mental health offices or social workers, like the original version of the bill intended for deescalation tactics had initially dictated.

“My men do not need new training,” stated Commissioner Wayne Abbott. “There is no such thing as deescalation. There is either order or anarchy and you shoot anarchy.”

The majority of the cut funds trickled down onto Westbrooks two largest local markets: Murphy’s Big Blue Barn o’ Guns and Bullets, and the Cracker Barrel. Both favorites of Commissioner Abbott.

By the end of the jog along Officer Braddock stopped three crimes in progress resulting in zero arrests and nine fatal shootings, increasing the percentage of an officer firing his weapon on duty to 180%. On Sunday, he will be receiving the Westbrook Certificate of Valor.

And while I ate my chicken fried steak and pancakes at the Cracker Barrel, I was left with several questions unanswered. Why are so many cops against new and improved training to limit violence? Would cross fit be mandatory? Where did all the police horses go?

Horses do not just vanish or just trot towards a prairie sunset, we’re 20 miles outside Detroit. Seriously every time I brought it up no one could look me in the eyes.

As the rest of the country debates the future of law enforcement, Westbrook, Michigan moves forward with their new approach with their complete trust in their law enforcement training. When you enter the station there is a banner that articulates their tenacity. “You can run from the law, but we’ll be right behind you firing our .50-Cal Magnum.”