Six Things You Can Do to Prevent Future Tantrums
By: A. J. Gabs
Tags: Children, Mental Health, Neuroscience, Parenting Advice, Parenting

Six Things You Can Do to Prevent Future Tantrums

Fewer now means fewer later

Image from PickPik, edited with text by author a.j.gabs

As I walked out of the grocery store with my daughter, I had the audacity to pull her out of the cart when we got to my car. She loves riding in the cart. How dare I interrupt her moment of joy? (Of course, she had just gotten a full 30 minute ride as I leisurely shopped, but what did that matter?). She reacted as any small child under the age of three would when something they love is taken away: she lost her marbles. I pulled her out of the cart and she immediately went into stiff, arched-back mode as I tried to wrestle her into her car seat. My normal baby seemed to sprout multiple arms and legs that kicked, flailed, and pushed off of the car seat. Her head tiled back and she let out a shriek that would convince any passerby that I was clearly kidnapping her or causing her severe pain. (I wasn’t).

“What is she doing?!” my four year old asked in awe.

“The same thing you would do when something you want is taken away,” I replied. “and sometimes you still do…”

“Never like that,” she protested.

“Oh, but it is like that…”

It’s like that for almost every parent and small child. Recently, I wrote an article about how to tame a tantrum when they happen. There, you will find seven strategies that will help you navigate one in the moment. But, sometimes — you may want to do what you can to stop the tantrum from happening in the first place.

You can’t stop them all.

It might help to know what is happening in your child’s brain when a tantrum is tripped. For the most part, the brain develops from back to front. That means that the amygdala (a structure deep within the temporal lobes) plays a more prominent role in behavior than say the prefrontal cortex (the area right behind your forehead). The amygdala is involved in your emotional responses, specifically fear and anger. The prefrontal cortex helps you monitor yourself, make decisions, plan, and understand consequences.

See the problem?

Your kid feels the intense anger without the ability to temper and control it.

The prefrontal cortex starts to mature around age four, but it won’t finish until the age of 25. (It goes through a restructuring around puberty which explains the difficult time that is the teenage years).

Fewer Now, Fewer Later.

But just because you can’t stop them all now — doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Tantrums are going to happen, but as parents, we still have a responsibility to scaffold the behavior we want and help our children learn to manage difficult emotions as best they can. You can help your children regulate their emotions by helping them reduce the number of tantrums they have in the first place.

Tantrums are natural, but become a learned behavior. If one out of five tantrums gets a child what they want, it is enough of a reinforcement to keep the behavior going. By avoiding a tantrum, you are reducing the possibility of it being added to your child’s toolbox. (A tool to get what they want). In addition, when you can prevent the emotional craziness — you help your child learn to deal with setbacks in a more mature way.

“When kids don’t tantrum, they learn to deal with needs, desires, and setbacks in a more mature way, and that learning itself reinforces appropriate responses. Fewer tantrums now means…fewer tantrums later.”

So, while it’s nice to have tools in the tool box to stop the inevitable meltdown when it happens, a proactive plan makes for a sound long-term strategy.

How to reduce tantrums

Plan Ahead: Tantrums are more likely to occur when a child is hungry, tired, understimulated, or overstimulated. If you are going to be out for a while, brings snacks and drinks to keep your child’s blood sugar up. Consider bringing a few toys of interest to help keep them busy. Most importantly: keep a solid nap schedule, and plan errands and outings around it. Children under the age of 5 still need an afternoon nap. Not only will it help them be less irritable during the day, it will help them sleep better at night. (Overtired kids have a harder time falling and staying asleep). While my four year old refuses to nap, I still make her take quiet time and lay down for what used to be her nap time. Learn and/or Avoid Triggers: Try to identify what situations cause tantrums. Most tantrums are an adverse response to a child being asked to do something they don’t want to do, or have something they want being taken away. It’s important to note that avoiding the tantrum in the first place, is not giving in to bad behavior. In fact, identifying and avoiding triggers can play a very important role in understanding your child’s mental health and help set them up for long term behavioral success. Does homework set your child off? Maybe there is a learning disability that is going unnoticed. Does leaving the house trigger a tantrum? Maybe there is a social anxiety that needs addressed. Obviously, not all triggers can be avoided, but some can. If you know walking by the toy aisle will set your tot off, try to take a different route in the store. If you know that leaving something fun will cause a tantrum, try offering warnings in advance and setting a timer. Offer choices: Positive parenting solutions suggests that children have two buckets: an attention bucket and a power bucket. Both need filled. Sometimes a meltdown occurs when a child feels a lack of control over a situation, and their power bucket is running a little empty. If a child doesn’t do well when it’s time to get ready to leave, consider offering a choice: Would you like to leave now or in five minutes? Would you like to put your shoes on first or your coat? The sense of control your child feels over the situation can help keep the tears at bay. Furthermore, giving children choices is extremely important for their development. You will foster a sense of personal responsibility, build self-esteem, help with cognitive and moral development, and help your child navigate conflict. Be consistent: Remember when I said tantrums can become a learned behavior? It’s true. They only have to work once in a while for a kid to regularly try them to get their way. If you said no cookies — by all means do not give that child a cookie. You can distract them another way. Whatever is causing the tantrum cannot be the reward when the tantrum is over. Read to them: I cannot overstress the importance of reading to your children. It is one of the most important things you can do to help their positive development. Reading is an important bonding exercise with your child. A child who feels connected to you is more likely to want to please you. Furthermore, reading can help improve concentration and discipline -two skills vital to regulating emotions. Books often contain powerful lessons that can help your child in the real world. So, don’t just read, but also have conversations about the books that you read. (I like doing this right before bed). Reading also plays an important role in building empathy -an important positive social behavior. Make a “calm down corner”: For me, this one was definitely a long term game. It took my daughter a while to learn to use her calm down corner and her calming strategies. I will also say, that trying to teach this in the middle of a tantrum never worked. This is a proactive strategy. Use moments of calm to teach and practice calm down strategies. A calm down corner is a space where a child can sit and relax when they are feeling over stimulated. In ours, we have a feelings chart where my four year old can identify what she is feeling on the poster. We also have a list of prepopulated calm down strategies she can choose to help her. After a meltdown, we go here to discuss and reflect. There are many resources on the internet to help you build and enact your own calm-down corner.

So there you have it. While it’s nice to have tools to stop a tantrum in its tracks, a long term strategy to prevent or reduce tantrums is necessary. Fewer now means fewer later, and your hard work will pay dividends in the future.