chapter IV, purification into the abyss
By: Human Terran
Tags: Fear, Anxiety, Heros Journey, Letting Go, Courage

There it is, the inevitable black hole of emotions and eternal vortex of suppressed feelings. I have been avoiding you, old foe. You never want to offer me peace. Why are you so stubborn and choose to keep me in this solitary confinement?

I hear the calling of the abyss and I run, again. Each time it is the same. Preparations have been made to meet you, but at the very last moment, it all goes away, like a castle in the sand. I have also tried avoiding you, all my life, but when you find a small window of open-heartedness, you always seize the opportunity and pop by to show your threatening fangs, as an emotional reminder of our inevitable encounter.

The traditional robotic humans have offered me ingestible chemicals nicely wrapped in a package of hope. Lost hope, that is. All you need to do is read between the lines, and there the lie lies. Poison your body and mind, to help big Pharma get bigger, while never addressing the main cause of the issue. Chemical attempts to temporarily numb the emotional hopelessness.

My only motivation is choosing to believe my own lie, the lie of suppressed feelings going away by ignoring them. It is a myth, I know, an urban legend, but the easiest path can be the most seductive. I reject the painful truth and embrace the cheap and elegant lie.

But this lie gets heavier every time, it is becoming ever-increasing in size, and it has morphed into an un-manageable loud guest of my heart.

I immerse myself in meaningless and exhaustive work, aiming to become too tired to know it is still there, waiting. I wake up, work like a mindless drone, embrace soulless routine, then I get back to rest for a few hours. Anything to help me run away, faster, further. A new day, same routine. And it is effective, for a while. My mind is too busy animating this zombie body with an artificial personality. But to fix a wrong with another wrong, isn’t that still wrong?

Tried a therapist, but the ancient humanoid did not seem to understand the answer to my question. How can I revert these heavy feelings of unhappiness? Shouldn’t be so hard, all I have to do is follow my steps backwards, no? So I thought.

I push harder towards exhausting work. But it still does not feel right. A louder noise to cover a stronger earthquake. If it was not a futile idea, I would have appreciated its deceptive attempts to persuade me towards the mighty Sun. But all the time I know, it is but a cheap postcard seducing me with the promise of Rupture.

I feel the veil of heavy darkness covering my brain. It is cold, all-consuming and wants to take over the entire Temple of Thought, this is what it is designed to do once it gathers enough power of avoidance. It feeds with my lack of attention, it grows by absorbing the power of my resistance. The more I push, the stronger it gets, the unbeatable anti-hero.

I see the world in dark and light, more dark, less light. Ingested food tastes like glass powder, and breathing feels like inhaling nails. My body rejects nutrients and I’m constantly loosing weight, strength, vitality.

My skin no longer enjoys any kind of contact, the air does not feel replenishing. Is there really so much sadness in this world, or am I tuning into a heavy realm? Why was I never taught about this in school? All those years, they never told me how to live, how to fight the inner monster of a broken heart and how to dance with an army of heavy emotions.