Yes. I am PHAT.
Tags: Body Positivity, Pcos, Body Shaming, Bullying, Self Love

I’ve been wanting to write this for a very long time now. This is more like an anecdote, a small but major part of my journey so far, which was very hard during the time, but taught me so much in my life. It might seem a little long, but I’m sure you will leave with something useful.

So I am a chubby kid. I have always been one and I think I’ll always remain one. Given, all body types, shapes and sizes are normal, society made me think otherwise. Sometimes when I look back into my life, I realize that I was as beautiful as other girls my age. Only, I never believed in that fact because my life was filled with people who bullied and body shamed me, shaking up my self-confidence. So I always convinced myself that I was an ugly child who could never be beautiful like the other girls.

I’ve had different phases of bullying and teasing. The first phase was the submissive phase, where I felt very helpless when someone bullied me. I would come home and cry on my mother’s shoulders, venting my heart out, about how I do not want to be a victim of bullying. While my mom thought it was best to ignore them and move on, my dad thought the opposite. He told me to be strong and stand up for myself against all the bullies, be it my (so called)friends, relatives(yes, elder ones too) or strangers. That’s when the second phase kicked in. The rebellious phase. I started lashing out at my bullies, telling them to back off. There are even instances where I’ve held some of their collars and slapped them hard without thinking twice. Although rebelling against people did give me some sort of satisfaction, it did not help me get back my self-confidence. Turns out, I was still this girl who thought she was ugly.

And then I was 20 years old, dealing with so much stress(which is a story for another time) that I got diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome(PCOS). This created quite some havoc at home, and my family was immensely worried about my health. I, on the other hand, had no idea about the sensitivity of this matter and how dangerous it could get had I not taken care and recovered from it. That hit me hard, and I started working on myself, investing a lot of time in researching different workout routines, reading up about food, weight loss and the myths and facts about the same(which is also a story for another time). I went from 85 kilos to 68 kilos in about 8 months. I started in March, and in November I was 17 kilos down. I am aware that I am not the only one dealing with PCOS and weight loss. However, always remember that, every effort made towards a better life, matters.

But then again, self-confidence comes with self-love, which I got much later, when I understood that all bodies are beautiful. Scarred and flawed, yet very beautiful. You see, the concepts like beauty, looks, health, fitness and self-love can be mutually exclusive. But we are taught to mix them up, therefore being subjected to insecurity. It is not wrong as we cannot help it sometimes, but it can crumble our confidence and faith. I will not deny the fact that I still have some insecurities lurking around at the back of my mind, and I have my fair share of struggle to deal with them. So, no matter how imperfect or flawed you’re, never stop loving yourself and believing in yourself. Look beyond the insecurities and self-doubt, and I’m sure you will find a beautiful soul. Because at the end of the day, YOU are more important than anybody/anything else.