This Valentine’s Day I Choose Me
By: Tania Behselich
Tags: Love Yourself, Valentines Day, Self Esteem, Self Care And Self Love, Self Love

Seems odd to write this on a significant holiday which deals with love. I am a female from Wisconsin and not sure if it is this way in the United States or in the World. Was watching 90 Day Fiance when Mursel and Anna got married on this show. This couple overcame so much such as being from different continents, language barriers, calling off the wedding as Mursel’s family didn’t agree and he went back to Turkey prior to the Visa ending and Anna’s eldest son was against the wedding. Mursel returned to the United States to finish out his 6 hours left on his Visa and they were wed. Despite the obstacles faced this couple loved one another and it was happy to see through all trials and tribulations.

People wonder why marry or try to make it with someone from another culture, different language, and a foreign country or continent. The answer I can tell you is hope. Hope for love and a happy ever after. So many of us in the United States want this for ourselves and our future and in particular I am speaking about females. Truthfully in the United States it is hard to find a man to marry or have a family together much less finding men who still value the institute of marriage. I am s happy for Mursel and Anna. Despite myself being in long term relationships, living with different men, or being engaged I can sincerely say that whom has loved me or dreamed of spending their life with me and growing old together. I used to believe it was a problem with me despite not being told directly it was a problem with me. At times Valentines Day from men is absolutely put down and as a person that values this holiday I am treated and pressured to feel dumb for the value or hope I have for the holiday. It isn’t about the money but rather the gesture and another person respecting me enough to value the holiday because I do. I want to celebrate and not be put down for that. I cannot count the number of men and times I have heard they hate the holiday or that it is a holiday from retail and Hallmark. Men will also state that they show love year round by taking care of our car for example or spending time with us however that is a different love language than women. Some women have a love language where they need to hear and see specific gestures where men will state how much they love them, can’t live without them, want to grow old together, spend their life with us because a car repair does not show us this. Men do not naturally state these things to us to tell us how important we are to them or beautiful. Throwing a bone at us where you state “I love you” on occasion isn’t enough. This isn’t due society or commercialism. This is in fact our love language and one day we would like to have that.

Many men here in Wisconsin do not believe in the institute of marriage or feel it is necessary to show romantically and to the love language of the woman how much they find us attractive or need and value us. Women start to grow numb when our needs are net met and that is after trying to discuss it and share how we feel. Men tend not to listen and do what they want to anyway which is to put down the holiday. Women tend to let this thing build up and bury it deep we are not heard, getting our love language squashed or even belittled for what our values and wants and needs may be. We are told it is commercialism only and not real because we are shown all year long. No, no we are not in the way we need to see and feel it.

I feel like the men in my life over the eyes are engagement and marriage adverse. Is this the type of men I choose, or local to the area in Wisconsin or a national and worldly phenomenon? The excuses such as so many fail with marriages is lame to not try at all or hope and wish for better. Not due to being dreamers but rather they see in their heart. So as I hear these men not want to get married, not want to share their money or home or things, to say to us it is simply due to mainstream news or pressures that we want this rather than taking a step back and acknowledging we want this prior to years of dating and monogamy passing by you should be upfront to us immediately. Don’t wait for years in to try and wear us down. Another thing I hear is why should they as a man want to spend money on a ring for us or even get married? The answer? Because you love us. Just live within your means. Ask us to sign a prenup as it isn’t your money we are after. It is love, having a family, a companion.

More and more this drives women into therapy as we are told we are crazy and we go to talk through this as it is confusing. Men won’t discuss with us mature and adult topics like marriage or engagement or living together without jabs of telling us we are crazy and we aren’t accepting them as they are. Well, it is called compromise, compassion, communication and all the things which come with adulthood. Men want to remain as islands or to not grow up and be selfish which we as women enable because over time we continue to hear we are too sensitive or even crazy. To be honest these tactics to keep your freedom lack responsibility and are abuse. To belittle us and call us names or be underhanded so that you don’t have to deal with us? Unacceptable.

Has marriage died? No. Research shows in the US and the world marriage has not in fact died. LGBTQ individuals and couples still fight for this right. Divorce rates are improving due to actions taken by people to ensure the best chances.

Women don’t want your money. We want to have a family. To love. To love you madly and without reservations. Women want this same thing in reserve. Your bad behaviors hurt us and will cause us to feel like we are insignificant, unworthy and that we need to change. Often we do feel that we have done something wrong, are not good enough, and that the problem is us. When in fact the problem is you as men. Be accountable and honest. It saves us year in therapy and self esteem.

I choose me. I choose to love myself and spend Valentine’s Day happy and practicing self care and love.

What has happened to both sexes wanting marriage? The divorce rates are simply an excuse when you can review ways to prevent this other than avoidance.

Men choose to not to want to buy us an engagement or wedding ring and pass over guilt to us for wanting something like this as a symbol of your love. We do not have other ways to date to say “taken” or to show off we are in love and are planning a future with someone. I haven’t experienced a man buying a ring for me without the incredible guilt lobbed at me, talking to me like I am below their feet and not worthy, or told that because the man doesn’t value it I should not either. This is tradition and we have been raised, as women, to desire this. As it can show love without selfishness.

Recently, I had a man tell me he doesn’t want to do this because it is unfair that men are expected to do this for women and is sexist. I felt that if they felt that way I would take it totally into consideration and if it is what I wanted, engagement, and to spend the rest of my life with this man that I would propose and ask him to marry me. So, I did ask him to take my hand in marriage and to be engaged. He still said no. So instead of throwing at us these excuses, be honest. Save us years of monogamy and try not to be so selfish about the matter. Take accountability for your feelings, emotions and desires. Even if the truth may hurt we can plan our lives accordingly and make sound judgement for ourselves and our future.

I choose myself. Happy Valentine’s Day to me. I love me with all my flaws, tribulations and trials, my kindness, my heart, and value what I have to offer the world.

Happy Valentine’s Day however you spend and value the day.