5 Important Lessons To Improve Your Emotional Stability
By: Kevin Buddaeus
Tags: Mindfulness, Psychology, Self Improvement, Advice, Life Lessons

1. Accept that you can’t control everything

Not being in control is a scary thing. We love planning ahead and avoid surprises whenever possible. Because of that, we often try to control everything. The problem is, we can’t.

We set expectations of what might happen, but when the outcome differs from our expectations, we get frustrated, stressed, and anxious. Worst of all, we tend to blame ourselves for this problem, rather than accepting that it was out of our control.

You can urge a loved one to stop smoking. But you shouldn’t blame yourself if they don’t listen.

The moment you feel negative emotions coming up due to a failed plan or a missed goal, you need to grow indifferent to this situation. You can’t help it. Getting angry or sad about it won’t change the situation and will only cause you stress.

An urge to control often stems from underlying feelings of helplessness. Especially if you grew up in an environment where everything was out of control, the uncertainty can take a huge toll on your wellbeing.

It’s important to take a deep breath and accept the outcome. You can try again if you want, but you need to remind yourself of doing so without any unreasonable expectations.

Whatever happens because of other influences lies outside of your control. And that’s not your fault.

2. Don’t trust your feelings too much

Emotions don’t always make sense. Sometimes they are too strong. Sometimes they are irrational. But they always control our thoughts.

When you’re overcome with fear, anxiety, sadness, or depression, this will reflect in the thoughts that cross your mind. You will start imagining bad outcomes more than good ones and thus tell yourself that your chance of success is lower than it really is.

Not every thought you have is automatically true. They are just a small number of possibilities in an endless ocean.

You need to dissect your thoughts and separate important ones from those that only hinder your capabilities. Understand that these thoughts are not the cause of how you feel, but the opposite: Your feelings are dictating your thoughts.

You need to distance yourself from these emotions. Put them aside. Try to keep your thoughts strictly evidence-based. If a thought you have amplifies your emotions further but has no reasonable base to stand on, it’s likely caused by a strong emotion.

Don’t give in to anger, fear, or sadness as a direct response. Acknowledge the feelings, but don’t act upon them.

Fear means you may be in danger. But don’t blindly search for the emergency exit. Stay calm. Anger may arise when someone hurts your ego. But don’t give in to an impulse for revenge. Only a weak ego needs to protect itself.

Learn to keep your thoughts clear of your emotions.

3. Don’t base your decisions on emotions

If we’re upset, we tend to resort to personal attacks and insults. We blame the other party directly for whatever may have happened. And when we’re desperate, we often give in to any demand, even if it leaves us at a huge disadvantage.

Every time we base our decisions on our emotions, we are subconsciously aiming for short term goals. We might get what we want now, but in the long run, we put ourselves up for failure.

If we insult someone in an argument, we might win the fight, but we’re losing the war. And if we give the other side the upper hand out of desperation, then we’ll have to endure the consequences.

You should not let any personal insults or accusations get to you when having an argument. Don’t let the other party bait you into feeling attacked and angry. Try to imagine leaving your body and becoming a bystander who’s watching you two argue.

Just as with your thoughts, when making a decision, do not let your emotions take over. Instead of acting on your feelings, you can react with a clear mind and an objective stance.

This ensures that you make decisions without letting your emotions fog up your mind.

4. Don’t judge yourself for your emotions

Our feelings are highly conditioned. This means that they are based on our lifelong experiences, from early childhood on. They are the natural reactions we have learned throughout life, based on what happened to us.

Someone who suffered from a broken home, violence in school, or other forms of abuse, may naturally be more fearful, anxious, and cautious.

As such, our emotions are often not the result of our inherent personality, but the environment we grew up in. But too often, we tend to judge our own emotions too harshly.

For example, if a loved one goes through a tearful breakup, we understand their pain and sorrow, trying to comfort them to our best abilities. But when we ourselves go through the same thing, we tend to get angry at ourselves for showing weakness or crying.

We should not condemn our emotions. There is nothing wrong with having them. They are a natural reaction to what happened. And you need to learn to accept them as a natural and conditioned part of you.

By doing so, you can avoid spiraling into a void of sadness and hate that only hinders your functioning. Instead, you will be able to make peace with yourself, with who you are. And then you’ll gain more control over your emotions.

5. Not everything has a meaning

The uncertainty of life can be horrifying. We don’t know what lies behind the next curve, so we slow down. The same happens in every other aspect of our lives. People look for hidden meanings in everything.

They want to always have the right answer and feel smarter about themselves. But some things in life really are just meaningless noise. You don’t need to know everything.

By trying to put a label on everything and finding a hidden meaning or reason behind every event, you subconsciously put yourself into a position of anxiety and depression. Because now you try to find the reason why your spouse left you, or why your company laid you off and will most likely focus on yourself alone with a critical eye.

Your emotional stability depends on your ability to cope with these events without giving in to anxious thoughts, self-criticism, and contemplating more than is healthy.

Not everything has a meaning. Not everything happens for good reason. Sometimes it just happens.

Try to accept uncertainty as a part of your life. If you waste too much time thinking about tomorrow, you can’t focus enough on the here and now.