Collateral Damage
By: Sanjivani Jha
Tags: Personal, Coronavirus, Life, Year In Review, Pandemic

The reality of 2020 had some unrealistic expectations from me; I was forced to go towards things that I otherwise would have run far away from. A number of things that I had bet my life on were snatched away too quickly with very less time to cope because next morning I had to pretend like everyone else that nothing happened and sitting in front of the screen for a major chunk of the day is any way helping or meaningful. As a disgusted onlooker of the changing trends and definitions of adulting at the same time trying hard to resist participating in it, I realized that it is very exhausting to not change with time, more in magnitude if everyone around you already has.

So this time I gave in, started with being shallow, collected all the pain thrown at me without expressing how weak and vulnerable that makes me, without expressing how intensely I feel each blow, faking a numbness that doesn’t exist, basically a classic adult move. I don’t think people understand the immeasurable amount of stress that comes with not being yourself.

I have been internally silent and lost. I chose to only talk about things that matter less to me.

“Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it — Voltaire.”

As a pandemic survivor you yourself can relate that this year revealed some truths about people and the lives that we collectively live, these truths could wait, in my personal opinion I did not need to know these truths this early in my life. Why because this sucks away my trust from everyone, everything.

The Pandemic is perhaps an added futuristic biological advantage but is also an unnecessary addition of emotional baggage and mental stress in our already fucked up adult state of mind. Illusions are necessary to survive, not the chosen or created ones, but the general unawareness. I know this is very contrary to what you are used to listening to. I think we have overemphasized awareness, fixated on it, some answers are better off hidden. Is any truth worth risking your life on? It’s a genuine question not a rhetorical one.

We are the collateral damage of this Pandemic. Our heads will carry this for long and that can be dicey for such a short equipped world that we ourselves have created and choose to live on.

I have often encountered this question aimed at my self doubt and residual confidence at the same time. Does this mean you will stop Sanjivani? No, but how do I start?

After every attack on you, big or less in impact, corners of you know that nothing is worth the stop, even though stopping seems very alluring at that time. I recognized that I was not struggling with the idea that I am giving up or the idea that I will stop writing. I was struggling with how to start again when I am forced to not be myself here. How to not be pretentious and afraid of my expressions being used against me? That is the pause. This Pandemic is the pause. It is not the stop.

But it is important to recognize that we are carrying an exceptionally individualistic strain of impact of this virus on us. That complexity of mind and combination will be hard to anticipate let alone to decode. Thus all I can do is request to appreciate a little more, nothing cool in being a stone or in dehumanizing yourself, you are not alive if you are not being yourself, express more often, leave places that do not support or can handle the real you.

From a vantage point, I know we think people do not care so why tell, why share, why be human, why stay when all they do is leave but I think that because they dont care we should share more, not to seek validation but to spread the urgency of care, express because they don’t care, let it off you atleast. I learnt this very early on in my life, when I tried to bottle my feelings for the first time. In that weak moment, I realized the fatal potentiality of unexpression.