An Exchange Wherein My Parents Haggle With My Kidnapper
By: Megan Mcmurtry
Tags: Kidnappings, Parents, Satire, Humor, Adult Children

An Exchange Wherein My Parents Haggle With My Kidnapper

Sharon, check what the usual price is on these things.

Photo by @lattefarsan on Creative Commons

Phones rings.

DAD: Hello, McMurtry residence?

KIDNAPPER (distorted voice): I have your daughter Megan. If you ever want to see her again-

DAD: Woah, you kidnapped our Meggie?

KIDNAPPER: Yes, and if -

DAD puts his hand over the receiver.

DAD: Sharon! Come here, somebody nabbed Megan.

MOM: Oh jeeze.

KIDNAPPER: Listen! If you ever want to see your daughter again, you need to get me three million dollars by midnight.

A pause.

KIDNAPPER: I said -

DAD: I heard you, it’s just…we’ll have to discuss that price, I think you’ve really overshot here.

KIDNAPPER: What?

DAD: Sharon, check what the usual price is on these things.

MOM: Ok, I’ll turn on the computer.

DAD: Hang on, buddy, we’re figuring out a better price.

MOM: Does the little apple mean it’s already on?

KIDNAPPER: Did you not hear me? I have your daughter. I like…have a gun.

DAD: Oh, I’m sure you’re very scary! And we love our daughter, but I think we both know she’s not worth three million dollars.

MOM: What’s the computer password again? Cheddar12?

KIDNAPPER: I did my research, ok? I know Megan was kidnapped as a child. You paid three million dollars for her then.

DAD: Look now, son, that was 1994! Meggie was leaving that adorable school production of Peter Pan that I missed. She was worth three million dollars in ’94, but, like my Cocoa Beach timeshare, her value has greatly depreciated since then.

MOM: Ok I’m using the Googler now.

DAD: See, when Megan was a little girl she had so much potential. People will spend a fortune to get that innocent budding future back. And of course we still love her, but I’m too financially savvy to be swindled like this, bud. Our Meggie’s 28 now! She’s unmarried, no kids, a joke of a career…

MOM: Trying to be a modern artist or something, it’s embarrassing!

DAD: Economically speaking, people really only have value when they’re too young to have done anything yet. But as soon as you’re old enough that people start expecting things of you, it’s just not worth the dough, my friend.

KIDNAPPER: So even though she’s the exact same human you once paid three million dollars for, she’s worth less now?

MOM: Ok, google says the average ransom price is $1.15 million.

DAD: Oh yeah, you way overdid it here, son. And $1.15 million is probably a child ransom price. Once you factor in her debt, student loans, that time she got into adult magic, we might actually be in the red.

KIDNAPPER: Wow, I never thought of it that way.

DAD: As a business model, you’d be much better off kidnapping youngins.

KIDNAPPER: Toddlers?

MOM: Oh, younger even.

DAD: I mean if it were possible to kidnap an embryo, that’d be quite profitable! People would pay big for that pure potential without any sense of inherent human shortcomings. I mean, when Megan was an embryo she didn’t call me “Fat Gary Johnson.”

KIDNAPPER: Embryos, huh?

DAD: As soon as a baby is born, you know, it’s screaming, it’s pooping, it doesn’t look as much like you as you thought it would, and immediately it starts to depreciate. But before the baby is even conceived it’s just the fun kooky concept of creating life, and that’s truly the most valuable part of the equation.

KIDNAPPER: You want me to kidnap a concept?

DAD: If you could kidnap that intangible dream of a perfect family you’d really be in the money.

MOM: Hun, don’t forget we have those Ruth’s Chris reservations in 30 minutes.

DAD: Oh boy, we’re gonna have to run, I don’t want to hit traffic -

MOM: He’s no good after 6 o’clock, out like a light!

KIDNAPPER: Wait, let me ask you a hypothetical. If Megan were pregnant, how much could I get?

MOM: Ohhh, that’s a good question.

DAD: Technically, Megan is still worth a negative number. But I think someone would pay a pretty penny for the fetus, so Megan could skate by on having to stick around to grow that fetus nice and strong.

MOM: Especially if that fetus is a boy.

DAD: True, that’s worth a lot more.

KIDNAPPER: Ok, what if I could convince Megan to find a nice guy and settle down, get you some grandkids? What could I get for that?

MOM: Good luck, she’s a tough one! I’m worried she might be a lesbian, her whole wardrobe is just pants.

KIDNAPPER: Why? An A-line dress would be more flattering on her!

DAD: Well buddy, we’d pay a pretty penny for a grandchild. If Megan decides she wants to have children I think we could get you that three million dollars.

MOM: But she has to be married. To a Christian.

KIDNAPPER: Oh of course, you two obviously only value people similar to yourselves.

MOM: You betcha.

DAD: Well we gotta run here, why don’t you hold on to Megan until you can sort out this baby thing?

KIDNAPPER: Oh no, I don’t want the liability of holding on to her. For now, I’ll just leave her where I found her, at that disturbing poetry reading.

DAD: Oh gosh…well feel free to call again for future business advice. We’re retired, so this kind of stuff is fun for us.

KIDNAPPER: Sounds great, talk soon you two!