One Time I Dated A Vegan
By: Alana Schwartz
Tags: Vegan, Jewish, Dating, Veganism

Okay, so don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against vegans. I know plenty of vegans who are totally normal and nice. Lookin at you, Zahava’s cool husband who actually made borscht that I actually really liked! Hi Edik!

But this guy wasn’t just vegan, he was VEGAN. He put it in his dating profile. On Sawyouatsinai. Not that that particular site is strange to put that detail on there; in fact, sawyou is so thorough it even asks where you went to elementary school. Dude, if you required your partner to go to a specific elementary school, you are being way too picky.

Anyway. So I accept going out with him and we exchange info and decide on a date night and actually I was excited because damn how do you ever get a guy to agree to meet you in person? I mean, without the dirty talk. Yeah lookin at you Natasha.

Just kidding I don’t have a friend Natasha. But you know you thought of someone when I mentioned dirty talk. We all have that friend. Hell, I’m super jealous of that friend, because at least she’s getting dates.

So we meet at my favorite bar called Bell Wood Bar, which for some reason the bartender rings a bell but I’m not sure if he/she does it when someone orders shots or something or just when they feel like things are getting too quiet, you know, between the loud, drunk people and the weird music that is played at bars in Israel. Like, a mix of 90’s hits and Israeli rappers.

Man, I miss that bar. It closed down a while ago. Wonder why.

So I get there late (as usual) and the guy who checks for people’s IDs in the entrance sees me and is like “You are very late. He has been waiting for 20 minutes.” Because I go there so much and I have a first date place and also Israelis are very nosey. They have the Jewish guilt down pat. So I sit down and have the most awkward hour-and-a-half date that I wish I could’ve ended early.

There is a thing that Vegans do is that they bring up they are Vegan without the slightest provocation, with a tone of such seriousness like they have a peanut allergy and you are basically covered in peanut butter. They go, “Nice to meet you, by the way, I’m vegan.”

I’m like, allright, he seems religious. Wearing a kippa. But not too religious cuz he’s at a bar. I order a beer. I ask about the hearing aid he is wearing in his right ear.

“Oh wow, most girls don’t bring that up,” he says, surprised.

And like, I get that, cuz how awkward could that be, but hey, it’s not awkward, it’s just a thing about him. You’re allowed to mention it. If you go on a date with a guy who is blind, it’d be weird if you acted like you didn’t know he was blind. Just acknowledge it and avoid the “oh wow, you’re blind? I couldn’t tell,” while petting his guide dog. Actually, I work with blind students and seeing-impaired students and very few of them have dogs or even canes. So maybe it won’t be that obvious.

Anyway, he explains he is half-deaf and I wonder if I should’ve picked a quieter place to meet, especially because I have such a soft, quiet voice that most people can’t hear me even if I am speaking to them in a quiet room and I’m sitting right next to them.

Then, he says he is hungry.

Now, I love doing dates at bars so I can avoid eating in front of guys and having to be weird about paying the bill, because what if I want to order something stupid expensive and then he’s all resentful for paying for it? So, I’m good with a beer. I think it shows I am a low-maintenance kinda girl.

He asks if anything on the menu is vegan. “I’m vegan,” he tells our waiter.

The waiter says there is a veggie burger and soon brings our drinks.

I am struggling with conversation with this guy. The only things he’s shared with me so far is about how he is half-deaf and his eating habits. He tells me his brother is fat because he eats meat, and then looks at me up-and-down after I say I, too, eat meat.

The burger comes and my date looks at it with horror.

There is mayo on the side.

On the plate. Mayo.

He points to the mayo before our poor waiter can just go back to not dealing with the most annoying customers there. “Are there eggs in this?” he asks the waiter, his finger an angry accusation.

I say, “It’s fine, it’s just on the side of your plate, just don’t eat it.”

“Yes, there are eggs in it,” the waiter says.

I try to tell him again to ignore it.

“Take it off my plate,” my date says with an air like he is the King and he was served a cup of wine with a fly in it. So disgusted.

I don’t remember him saying please, or apologizing for being annoying. He is so offended. I’ve seen people treat wait staff badly, and it is so clear they have never worked in food service. Sometimes, it’s justified, I guess, for some anger, like my friend with a sesame allergy was served tachina on her salad, and she had to send it back because she literally told them that she was allergic to sesame. But c’mon, it’s not like your dumb veggie burger is slathered in dead animals. Jeez, the way this guy was acting.

I apologize to the waiter who comes back with a fresh plate. My date doesn’t.

“So, um, what do you do?” I ask, trying to steer the conversation away from any more offending condiments.

“Oh, I created a dating app. Jswipe,” he says.

I am reminding you here that we met on a totally different dating site. I am very confused.

I finish my first beer and he’s still chowing down on the burger. I had a chance to leave. I could’ve said I’m tired, and that it was nice meeting him…

But no. I order another beer. I don’t know why. I know now I could’ve let myself out of the miserable situation. I learned my lesson.

We stayed for another excruciating half an hour while I realized that another beer was a mistake, especially as I was drinking on an empty stomach.

I know I didn’t act perfect on the date, either. I mean, I know coming late is a faux-pas. But I have a strict policy to not date guys who treat the wait staff like crap.

We split the bill.

And thus ended the once and only time I have dated a Vegan.