A Genderqueer’s Guide to the Galaxy
Tags: Transitions, Gender, Genderqueer, Nonbinary, Transgender

I recently came to the conclusion that I will be coming out as nonbinary for the rest of my life. It was a troublesome moment. I was raised by two lesbian women, and I never actually had to come out as queer to them. When I came out to my friends and family, it was a one-and-done sort of deal.

Coming out as genderqueer does not work this way. Almost constantly, I am put into positions where I need to come out in order to be properly addressed in public spaces. If I do not personally assert my gender non-conformity, it is not recognized.

It is the rare occurrence when a person correctly assumes that I use they/them pronouns on their first guess. I’m an AFAB who is two months on T and pre top surgery. My genderqueerness is slowly becoming more apparent to the outside world, but the day that I am correctly gendered without any hassle, harassment, or side eyes is still many, many moons away. I came to the conclusion that I need something to speak for me when I get tired of defending or explaining my truth.

I came to the conclusion that I need something to speak for me when I get tired of defending or explaining my truth.

My first thought was to make a sign that I could hold up, but I would inevitably end up losing that. My second thought was buying one of those stuffed animals that says personalized messages, into which I would record a thorough and informative gender spiel, but that felt a bit childish. I considered printing out FAQ sheets to hand out to gender-clumsy inquirers, but I didn’t want to hurt the trees.

So, I’ve landed on this article instead. In it, I will be tackling, once for all, the questions and phrases I’ve heard most frequently since I came out as nonbinary back in November. I’ve also included a few questions for myself from myself and a handful of questions about gender that everyone should be asking. Hopefully, this post will serve as a mainstay for me to come back to, for family and friends to read, and for you, reader, to glean some knowledge or solidarity from.

Hopefully, this post will serve as a mainstay for me to come back to, for family and friends to read, and for you, reader, to glean some knowledge or solidarity from.

Please remember that I am but one trans person. I’m a transmasculine nonbinary college student from the Bay Area. My experiences aren’t one-size-fits-all. As author and trans content creator Jackson Bird puts it, “If you’ve met one transgender person, you’ve met one transgender person.” This article is simply meant as a place for me and you to start our work from.

Questions I’m Getting Real Tired of Answering

Are you getting the surgery? I’m never too sure what is meant by this question. If you think about it, what one, singular surgery could suddenly transform me into a “true” nonbinary person? If you factor in the body parts that define me as female to society, there isn’t one surgery that would alter all of those details. I’m getting top surgery because binding feels like I’m being smushed by a hydraulic press. Also, this is an incredibly invasive question. My medical history is my business and mine only.

I’m never too sure what is meant by this question. If you think about it, what one, singular surgery could suddenly transform me into a “true” nonbinary person? If you factor in the body parts that define me as female to society, there isn’t one surgery that would alter all of those details. I’m getting top surgery because binding feels like I’m being smushed by a hydraulic press. Also, this is an incredibly invasive question. My medical history is my business and mine only. What will hormones do to you? This has strong “science project” implications. It instantly makes me feel like I’m a lab rat being studied by a group of well-meaning, yet ill-educated cis folks in lab coats. Not to mention, this is a highly Google-able question. To tell you the truest truth, I’m not 100% sure what HRT will do to me in particular. Testosterone impacts everybody’s body differently. I’m keeping a spreadsheet so that I know what’s changed from month to month, but I only have videos, articles, and conversations with other AFABs on T to do any sort of guesswork from.

This has strong “science project” implications. It instantly makes me feel like I’m a lab rat being studied by a group of well-meaning, yet ill-educated cis folks in lab coats. Not to mention, this is a highly Google-able question. To tell you the truest truth, I’m not 100% sure what HRT will do to me in particular. Testosterone impacts everybody’s body differently. I’m keeping a spreadsheet so that I know what’s changed from month to month, but I only have videos, articles, and conversations with other AFABs on T to do any sort of guesswork from. Will testosterone make you angry? Not likely. There’s a common misconception that T makes trans and nonbinary people into raging a-holes, but that’s not the case. Any emotional shifts usually stem from other changes taking place in our lives. Speaking from personal experience, I’m starting HRT during a pandemic, a nationwide racial reckoning, and an election season. I’m also taking active steps to affirm my gender, new name, and pronouns, and I’m being met with both institutional and social resistance. There are lot of stressors in my life at the moment. If I seem a bit miffed, the odds of it coming specifically from my new primary hormone are slim at best.

Not likely. There’s a common misconception that T makes trans and nonbinary people into raging a-holes, but that’s not the case. Any emotional shifts usually stem from other changes taking place in our lives. Speaking from personal experience, I’m starting HRT during a pandemic, a nationwide racial reckoning, and an election season. I’m also taking active steps to affirm my gender, new name, and pronouns, and I’m being met with both institutional and social resistance. There are lot of stressors in my life at the moment. If I seem a bit miffed, the odds of it coming specifically from my new primary hormone are slim at best. Which bathroom do you use now? The one at home. While I’m still early in my transition, it’s easier to go into the bathroom where I know I’m safe. Further down the line in my gender journey, I may reevaluate this plan. It’s a well known fact that genderqueer people are more likely to develop UTIs from holding it in. I don’t want to become a statistic, but I also don’t want to unnecessarily put myself into harm’s way.

“When you aren’t read as one of the binary bathroom genders, every time nature calls in public you have to make a choice of which option feels safer on that day: getting yelled at or getting beat up.” — Jackson Bird

What happens if you regret transitioning? Well, that would be a bummer. Detransitioning is a tricky process, and it’s horribly misrepresented and misunderstood in the media. If I were to detransition, it probably wouldn’t be because I felt I had made the wrong decision. It would be because I got tired of feeling unsafe or unwelcome in public spaces, constantly defending my identity, or if I were to stop being supported by my communities. I doubt that that day will ever come, but it isn’t a possibility that should be completely ignored.

Well, that would be a bummer. Detransitioning is a tricky process, and it’s horribly misrepresented and misunderstood in the media. If I were to detransition, it probably wouldn’t be because I felt I had made the wrong decision. It would be because I got tired of feeling unsafe or unwelcome in public spaces, constantly defending my identity, or if I were to stop being supported by my communities. I doubt that that day will ever come, but it isn’t a possibility that should be completely ignored. Will you ever go back? Go back to what? Being closeted? Presenting as cis — whatever that means? Not binding? Using my old name? Using she/her pronouns? Stopping T? My answer’s E) None of the above. Also, can we talk about how unsupportive this question is for half a second? It’s a combination of disrespect, disbelief, and disapproval in five, short words.

Phrases I’m Beyond Tired of Hearing

Singular ‘they’ is grammatically incorrect. Perhaps, it was at one point, but times have changed. In fact, the times changed back in the 1300s when singular ‘they’ was first put into use. Times changed again when it was officially recognized in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary in late 2019. If you missed it back in the 1300s, that’s understandable. There were likely other, more exciting things going on. On a side note, I’m glad to know that an immortal or a time traveler is reading this article. If you’re from this century, you’ve got no excuse. The internet is free, and it’s on 24/7. Get caught up. Singular ‘they’ should be used for anyone whose gender is unknown, unspecified, or not within the gender binary.

Perhaps, it was at one point, but times have changed. In fact, the times changed back in the 1300s when singular ‘they’ was first put into use. Times changed again when it was officially recognized in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary in late 2019. If you missed it back in the 1300s, that’s understandable. There were likely other, more exciting things going on. On a side note, I’m glad to know that an immortal or a time traveler is reading this article. If you’re from this century, you’ve got no excuse. The internet is free, and it’s on 24/7. Get caught up. Singular ‘they’ should be used for anyone whose gender is unknown, unspecified, or not within the gender binary. I need more time to get it right. I’m calling BS on this one. You’re right that time takes time. Sure. But, time means little without some effort thrown into the mix. You’re only kidding yourself if you think that in two month’s time, without any extra practice, you’ll magically wake up saying the right name and pronouns for me. Work on it. It’ll get easier to get it right the more time you’ve put into practicing.

I’m calling BS on this one. You’re right that time takes time. Sure. But, time means little without some effort thrown into the mix. You’re only kidding yourself if you think that in two month’s time, without any extra practice, you’ll magically wake up saying the right name and pronouns for me. Work on it. It’ll get easier to get it right the more time you’ve put into practicing. I don’t get it. That’s unfortunate. Again, may I interest you in this handy dandy thing called the Internet? If you’ve got a question, type it in to a search engine. Order a book on nonbinary identities to read before bed. Watch a YouTube transition timeline video while you’re waiting in the check-out line. Listen to a genderqueer podcast on your drive to work. Read a few articles on pronouns during the commercial breaks in your favorite. So much information is out there for you. It isn’t our community’s job to help you ‘get it.’ We exist, we’re real, and we’re tired. Use the tools at your disposal to make our lives a bit easier.

That’s unfortunate. Again, may I interest you in this handy dandy thing called the Internet? If you’ve got a question, type it in to a search engine. Order a book on nonbinary identities to read before bed. Watch a YouTube transition timeline video while you’re waiting in the check-out line. Listen to a genderqueer podcast on your drive to work. Read a few articles on pronouns during the commercial breaks in your favorite. So much information is out there for you. It isn’t our community’s job to help you ‘get it.’ We exist, we’re real, and we’re tired. Use the tools at your disposal to make our lives a bit easier. You aren’t fully transitioning. There isn’t anywhere to ‘fully’ transition to. You’re right that I’m not going from female to male, but even that isn’t really how transitioning works. Gender is more of a sliding scale than a binary line you cross over. Check out the Gender Unicorn. It explains this idea fairly simply, and it’ll give you a better idea of why ‘fully transitioning’ is a myth.

There isn’t anywhere to ‘fully’ transition to. You’re right that I’m not going from female to male, but even that isn’t really how transitioning works. Gender is more of a sliding scale than a binary line you cross over. Check out the Gender Unicorn. It explains this idea fairly simply, and it’ll give you a better idea of why ‘fully transitioning’ is a myth. You’re trying to kill Jaelin. I put my foot down at this. How dare you try to tell me how I feel about my old name? Jaelin and Oakley are the same person. Not every trans or nonbinary person feels this way. Some people drop their old names and never touch them again. For some, an old name may spark gender dysphoria or intense anxiety. My old name isn’t like that for me. It’s just my old name. I like it just fine. I didn’t shred that label on the soup can. I didn’t even throw it in the garbage. It’s sitting on the top shelf of my gender cabinet where I can glance at it from time to time and think back to the days when I claimed it with pride.

I put my foot down at this. How dare you try to tell me how I feel about my old name? Jaelin and Oakley are the same person. Not every trans or nonbinary person feels this way. Some people drop their old names and never touch them again. For some, an old name may spark gender dysphoria or intense anxiety. My old name isn’t like that for me. It’s just my old name. I like it just fine. I didn’t shred that label on the soup can. I didn’t even throw it in the garbage. It’s sitting on the top shelf of my gender cabinet where I can glance at it from time to time and think back to the days when I claimed it with pride. You want to be a boy. I don’t. I don’t. I don’t. Let me, the person opening up to you, tell you what I want to be. I want to be me, sans breasts and a high voice. That’s it. I want to be both feminine and masculine. I want pinks and blues and greens and grays and yellows and stars and sunshine and frill and leather. I’m nonbinary, and that’s it. Seriously, what do I gain by lying to you about this?

I don’t. I don’t. I don’t. Let me, the person opening up to you, tell you what I want to be. I want to be me, sans breasts and a high voice. That’s it. I want to be both feminine and masculine. I want pinks and blues and greens and grays and yellows and stars and sunshine and frill and leather. I’m nonbinary, and that’s it. Seriously, what do I gain by lying to you about this? You’re rejecting womanhood. I lived being read as a woman for eighteen years. I’ve been catcalled. I’ve been groped. I’ve been rubbed up on. I’ve been oversexualized by the boys in my high school. I’ve been called “wifey material.” These are the things I think of when I hear the word ‘womanhood.’ I think of violence and power dynamics. Trust me, I’m not giving up either of those things by coming out as transgender. If you’re referring to the more traditionally feminine traits I carry — caring, nurturing, listening, multitasking, thoughtfulness — those aren’t going anywhere. If you’re wondering about the “male privilege” I gain by presenting more masc, so am I. I don’t pass as a cis male yet. I’ll have to get back to you on how that shift impacts me. But, regardless, I’m not giving up my womanhood. I’m simply embracing my masculinity now too.

I lived being read as a woman for eighteen years. I’ve been catcalled. I’ve been groped. I’ve been rubbed up on. I’ve been oversexualized by the boys in my high school. I’ve been called “wifey material.” These are the things I think of when I hear the word ‘womanhood.’ I think of violence and power dynamics. Trust me, I’m not giving up either of those things by coming out as transgender. If you’re referring to the more traditionally feminine traits I carry — caring, nurturing, listening, multitasking, thoughtfulness — those aren’t going anywhere. If you’re wondering about the “male privilege” I gain by presenting more masc, so am I. I don’t pass as a cis male yet. I’ll have to get back to you on how that shift impacts me. But, regardless, I’m not giving up my womanhood. I’m simply embracing my masculinity now too. You’re coming out because, right now, it’s trendy to be trans. Nope. Just no. This process is draining, expensive, scary, and isolating. It isn’t like flower crowns or silly bands or squiggly eyebrows. My gender isn’t a trend. If you’re upset that more people finally feel safe to come out and begin their processes of embracing themselves, that is the epitome of a ‘you problem.’

“[Nonbinary youth] are not likely to stick a needle in their body every week to be trendy. ” — Dr. Johanna Olson-Kennedy

Questions I Wish I Were Asked

What should I call you when I tell stories about you pre-transition? Call me Oak, and use they/them pronouns. It’s that simple. If your story requires details of my life that very clearly “out” me as trans, reconsider whether or not you should tell that story. Does everyone we’re with know that I’m trans? Are we in a safe space for me to be out? Could your story spark dysphoria for me? Think it through first.

Call me Oak, and use they/them pronouns. It’s that simple. If your story requires details of my life that very clearly “out” me as trans, reconsider whether or not you should tell that story. Does everyone we’re with know that I’m trans? Are we in a safe space for me to be out? Could your story spark dysphoria for me? Think it through first. What should I do with my pre-transition photos of you? Ask me about them. Do not, under any circumstances, post them without my consent. I understand that they are your photos of me, but that honestly doesn’t change much. It’s still “outing” me to everyone in your life without my permission.

Ask me about them. Do not, under any circumstances, post them without my consent. I understand that they are your photos of me, but that honestly doesn’t change much. It’s still “outing” me to everyone in your life without my permission. What should I do when other people misgender or misname you when you aren’t around? Defend me. If you call yourself an ally, that doesn’t simply apply to our conversations or when I come to you for support. Stand up for me when I’m not there. Gently correct people if they slip up. If they are clearly transphobic, decide whether or not you want to fight that battle, while bearing in mind that I may have to if you don’t. Be persistent when others make mistakes. The misgendering you notice is only a fraction of what your trans and nonbinary friends experience daily.

Defend me. If you call yourself an ally, that doesn’t simply apply to our conversations or when I come to you for support. Stand up for me when I’m not there. Gently correct people if they slip up. If they are clearly transphobic, decide whether or not you want to fight that battle, while bearing in mind that I may have to if you don’t. Be persistent when others make mistakes. The misgendering you notice is only a fraction of what your trans and nonbinary friends experience daily. How do I stop assuming other people’s pronouns? Work on growing past your gender attributive tendencies. ‘Gender attribution’ is how we attempt to guess another person’s gender when we first meet them. We rely on audio and visual cues, including but not limited to clothing, hairstyles, mannerisms, facial hair, and vocal tones to make our judgment call. Introduce yourself with your pronouns, and allow the other person to do the same. That way, you can avoid confusion or accidentally offending someone else.

Work on growing past your gender attributive tendencies. ‘Gender attribution’ is how we attempt to guess another person’s gender when we first meet them. We rely on audio and visual cues, including but not limited to clothing, hairstyles, mannerisms, facial hair, and vocal tones to make our judgment call. Introduce yourself with your pronouns, and allow the other person to do the same. That way, you can avoid confusion or accidentally offending someone else. What can I do to support other trans and nonbinary people? Make your spaces safer for all trans and nonbinary folks, not just me — the one that you know. Does your workplace have gender neutral restrooms? Does your paperwork offer up a third option for gender? Do you introduce yourself with your pronouns at company meetings? Does your workplace celebrate Pride Month? Do you have the means to donate to gender-affirming surgeries on GoFundMe? I’m glad you know me, but I’m only one trans person. There are others out there who could also use your love and support. Be proactive instead of reactive.

Questions I Ask Myself That I Don’t Have the Answers to Right Now

Am I trans enough?

Am I nonbinary enough?

Am I making the right decisions?

Am I transitioning too much or too little?

Am I still nonbinary if I’m comfortable with the idea of they/he pronouns?

Why do I hesitate to show my femininity now that I’m out as nonbinary?

“It’s not that I don’t want to wear my femme clothes to work; it’s that I know as soon as I do, my entire nonbinary identity will be disregarded.​” — Sand C. Chang

Is it okay that I don’t think I was born in the wrong body?

Will I eventually go stealth or try to pass as cis?

Questions about Gender that We Should All Be Asking

What is gender?

Why does it matter?

Should we have it?

Why is androgyny required in order to be respected as a nonbinary person?

Who is able to access a nonbinary identity?

Why are nonbinary people forced to prove that they’re nonbinary by transitioning?

Alright, that’s it. That’s my Genderqueer’s Guide to the Galaxy for now. Perhaps, I’ll create an updated version of this document in a year or two. I know that I feel better having chronicled the questions and comments I’ve received over these last nine or so months.

Thank you for reading all of this. I want to leave you, reader, with a quote to ponder.

“Here’s the truth about coming out. We are not coming out: we are letting you in. ” — Jose Antonio Vargas

With love,

Oak

August 2020