Reuniting with Your Adult Children After a Year Apart
Tags: Adult Children, Pandemic Reflections, Midlife, Relationships, Parents

When is a visit from one of your adult children so eagerly anticipated and enjoyed? When you haven’t seen them in person for more than a year because of the pandemic. It really hit home to me in the past couple of months, particularly when we rented a cottage and my daughter and her fiancé came to stay with us for a few days.

If your kids live in another country and you typically see them only once or twice a year then you live with this reality every day. But for those of us who are close to our children (both emotionally and geographically), this past year was an unwelcome, forced separation.

Being told by public health authorities to stay home and not see your kids was truly a weird new reality. It made me sad and upset with an element of longing that I had never experienced. Although our youngest son had moved out a year before the pandemic and we were used to being empty-nesters, my husband and I rattled around the house a bit lost and anxious. Drop in visits from our two sons who live in the same city became rare events. Paying a quick visit to our two other kids who live out-of-town or having them home for a weekend suddenly became prohibited. It was a shock to the system.

Modern transportation has made it so easy and convenient to visit each other; we hardly give it a second thought how fortunate we are. Before the invention of the automobile and the telephone, however, it was typical for parents not to see their adult children for months and years at a time. When they got married and moved away to another farm or town, visits were rare and snail mail or telegrams were the only way to keep in touch.

More recently, I remember having a weekly phone call with my parents when I was newly married 35 years ago. It was usually on Sunday evenings when long distance rates were cheaper. Remember those days? It’s amazing how quickly we forget and how quickly we adapt to new technologies. Cell phones changed everything, of course, and their utility is undeniable. But I’m convinced that technology, no matter how good, will never replace face-to-face interaction.

While my family adapted to the situation over this past year and we kept in touch with texts, phone calls and virtual meetings like most people, I could sense the threads of connection with my adult children slowly unravelling. In some ways that has an upside but recent visits with them made it crystal clear to me that there is just no substitute for spending time with our family and friends in person. We humans rely on visual cues, facial expressions and looking into each other’s eyes to fully understand what the other person is saying. (If you have an elderly parent with dementia and hearing issues, you totally get this).

In my experience, it is difficult to maintain strong bonds with your children through screens or phone lines. It just doesn’t compare with seeing them in person. Anyone who has sons knows it’s like pulling teeth to get anything but a three-word reply from them by text. Full sentences are rare. And they never answer their phone when you call. However, in person, they will have actual conversations with you. It’s incredible! Plus you can read their body language, their expressions, tone of voice and really ‘get’ what they’re saying. (Yes, I’m making generalizations with a hint of sarcasm).

When the public health authorities in our area allowed small backyard gatherings, our youngest son and his girlfriend dropped by one Sunday afternoon. It was great. We chatted for almost two hours about how they’ve been doing and their long-term plans for school and careers. A few days later, I went to visit another son and his fiancé who live a two-hour drive away. Since we are all fully vaccinated, the first thing I did was give them each a BIG hug and kiss. It was wonderful! After a full year without seeing them that is an understatement. It reminded me of lyrics from the 1978 Peaches & Herb song: “Reunited and it feels so good”.

The three of us had brunch on an outdoor patio, and did some shopping — just like old times. It felt great to reconnect. We discussed what a crazy year we had lived through including some of their experiences with the COVID lockdowns, their jobs, and their future plans which include moving apartments and possibly getting married next year. It was a thoroughly enjoyable visit.

After we got to the cottage a couple of weeks ago, another son came up for the day to fish with his father. While we had seen him in person occasionally throughout the past year, it was great to have some one-on-one time with him — especially for his dad out in the boat.

My daughter lives the farthest away; it’s roughly a six-hour drive. Again, it was wonderful to give her and her fiancé a BIG hug and kiss when they arrived. How I had missed that! During their visit, we had lots to catch up on. We discussed some things in detail like their wedding plans, their experience of working from home, good books we read and TV series we watched, our various health challenges, politics of the pandemic etc.

With a continuous stream of chatter, we enjoyed typical cottage activities like swimming and boat rides on the lake, sipping beverages on the dock, barbecuing, roasting marshmallows over an open fire, star-gazing, and watching the Olympics in the evenings. I revelled in enjoying these simple pleasures that we took for granted in pre-COVID days.

Time spent together bonds us with our children and builds lasting memories even when they’re well into young adulthood. Virtual meetings are poor substitutes. They’ll do in a crisis but they leave me feeling unsatisfied and longing for real ‘facetime’. In fact, it became glaringly obvious during the pandemic that social isolation and the breaking of family ties has been devastating, especially for the elderly, single people and those who are marginalized. My husband and I were so glad that our children were already living with partners and roommates when COVID emerged. They had someone automatically built into their ‘bubbles’ which helped them cope with the various lockdowns and the scary new reality. It took some of the pressure off us.

There were other disappointments that we learned to live with over the past year, however, such as missed milestones. In pre-COVID times, we would have had a party for my mother’s 91st birthday but we held a virtual celebration instead with my brothers, our kids and nephews joining in from nine locations. It was awkward and we had the usual technical glitches but it went as well as could be expected and more importantly, my mom was happy.

Let’s face it though; at 91, who knows if my mother will even be around next year? If I think about it too much I get depressed because my kids haven’t visited with their grandmother who lives in a senior’s residence in 18 months. I facilitated FaceTime calls with her various grandkids — when I was allowed into the home — but it was sporadic and I know she longs to see them in person. Hopefully she will soon.

For Christmas 2020, we had a turkey dinner with our youngest son and actually, we enjoyed the rare one-on-one time with him. The other holidays and birthdays passed by with minimal acknowledgement. In my daughter’s case, she moved apartments, changed jobs and got engaged. We weren’t there to help with the move or to celebrate with them. Another of our sons was planning to get married in 2020 but they were cautious and postponed it like so many other couples. I don’t think many of us were in the mood for big parties in 2020–21 but these occasions were missed and we’ll never get them back.

The one upside to the COVID lockdowns which I alluded to earlier is that our adult children were forced to make their own holiday meals at home and start their own traditions. They call it “adulting”. By this stage of life, I’ve prepared what feels like hundreds of big family dinners and I must admit that I was starting to get tired of it. I don’t mind that COVID broke the pattern. While discussing it with my daughter at the cottage, she suggested that the kids take turns on hosting duties each Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving. Sounds good to me!

I feel blessed and grateful to have recently reunited and reconnected with my children after a long and difficult year. To hug them and really see how they’re doing, to talk things out, and to spend some time together. Simple pleasures that were denied us for a full year which seems surreal when you look back.

I’m so glad that I was able to spend a few days with my daughter at the cottage, in particular, because it gave me a chance to get to know her fiancé better as well as observe how they interact with each other. I had only met her partner once before the pandemic hit so it was heartwarming to see how well they get along.

Before they left, I took my daughter aside and gave her another big hug. I told her, “I’m happy that you’re so happy”. She smiled broadly and said, “Thanks Mom”. Besides spending time with our adult kids, what else can we wish for?