Honey Daiquiri
By: Miniq Brown
Tags: Short Story, Comedy, Life

Oh Dear Sweet Honey, how I love thee. I think to myself as I text away with TJ.

Ah TJ. My anime watching, basketball loving, Marvel following guy I’m texting. That’s it. I realise that I’m being impatient but come on. TJ and I have been texting almost every day the past week — which please appreciate, is a miracle for me, as I genuinely despise being on my phone unless of course I’m messaging Honey — if she ever looks at her phone, or Bugsy — if you count forced computerised one worded responses you see under ‘T-Mobile — Saved Texts’ — but still! A week, and every day…almost, and aside from the odd flirtatious comment in the form of a competitive jest every once and a while, TJ has made no further advancement in the progression of our relationship in order to find out who I actually am. Like e.g. asking me on a date.

‘So just ask him.’

‘Que?’ Honey asks from the kitchen as Bugsy plays his new karate ninja app game thing on his phone and I sit on the carpet by the T.V looking down at mine and TJ’s entire relationship in all its emoticon glory.

‘If it’s a problem, she should just ask him.’ Bugsy says with a semi-uninterested shrug.

‘Bugs, there is no way in hell I’m asking TJ out on a date.’

‘I never said that.’

‘You literally just did.’

‘No, I said ‘just ask him’ and stopped talking, I never said ask him on a date.’ I roll my eyes. Unbelievable.

‘You should just say to him you guys haven’t gone out yet or spoken in person since you spoke for three seconds at basketball.’ Honey says moving things around in the kitchen as there’s a crash. ‘Sunnova! Whit.’ She growls.

‘Everything ok in there sis?’

‘Uh-huh. Just Whit trying to test my reflexes by piling up every dish we own in a giant unstable mound by the sink, no biggie.’ Bugsy and I share a smirk as Frap, Honey’s cat, stalks out of the darkness nervously and I pull her onto my lap, stroking her. She’s always so loving. I think to myself as she throws her head into me purring loudly while I scratch behind her cute little kitty ears.

‘So what should I say Honey?’

‘That as much as you enjoy communicating via electronic waves and phone couriers it would be nice to, ya know, not.’ I type out the message, then instantly stop.

‘Wait. Instant dilemma.’

‘What?’

‘Well what if he suggests going out? I hate going out?’

‘See? Impossible to please.’ Bugsy says I assume to Honey and I suddenly feel like I’m out of the loop and have missed something.

‘Do not use Daiquiri as an example, she’s barely female.’

‘Hey!’

‘As for not wanting to go out, just invite him to the house then hermit, that way at least he gets to hang out and talk to dad as something other than just Coach.’ I pause.

‘You’re a genius.’ I finish typing out the message and press send. ‘Thank you Honey!’

‘You’re welcome Daks, be sure to text me as soon as you realise…’

‘Huh?’

‘Nada.’

‘You’ll be there right Bugs?’

‘Well, I haven’t intimidated anyone in a while…?’ I turn to my non-biological brother — but brother nonetheless in disbelief.

‘I don’t know how they do it, I mean you look so human, so lifelike and yet are such a robot.’ He looks up from his phone for the first time to glare at me the way only a cyborg with the urge to kill can…

As I flutter my eyes cutely and his eyes darken.

‘If I were a Grimm I would cut your head off.’

‘Oh Grimm, oh Nick — stop brain hacking me!’ He sticks out his tongue as Honey pokes her head around the corner confused.

‘What are you guys talking about?’

‘That new show Grimm, Daiquiri’s added David Giuntoli to her ‘white guy elevator list’ — I tried to tell her that was racist.’

‘Oh Grimm, is that any good?’

‘So far it’s aiite — but Nick.’

‘Nick?’

‘Nick, aka main guy in Grimm that I wish I wasn’t so attracted to ’cause he sorta reminds me a lot of Whit — he is so fine — Grimm guy! Not Whit — I mean yes Whit but also…sigh. You get it right? Yeah you get it.-’

‘You have two lists?’

‘You don’t understand, he’s so friggin hot — again, sorry he looks like your husband.’ She shakes her head stepping out of the kitchen, with a light coat of flour covering her arms while she wipes her hands on her apron, noticing Frap.

‘Hey! Do not show my cat love!’ Frap darts off my lap, scurrying into the shadows as I turn to Honey in shock.

‘Do I need to call RSPCA?’

‘Do not show her love — she knows why — I thought I could trust you.’ I laugh. ‘And more importantly? What did you say most awkward person ever?’ I pat off Frap’s remaining fur, opening up the message on my phone.

‘I said, ‘so hey, as much as I enjoy yours, mine and T-Mobile’s relationship, I was wondering if you wanted to come over mine sometime? Maybe. If you can. If you want?’…See that was smooth…right?’ Bugsy and Honey turn to each other slowly shaking their heads as I look between them both, lacking in praise.

‘There’s just…’

‘There’s no hope.’ They say as I instantly and nervously deflate.