Ask A Dude: What’s Wrong With You?
By: The Hairpin
Tags: Advice, Ask A Dude

by A Dude

What’s wrong with you?

If you’re asking about men in general: patriarchy, toxic masculinity, a world that rewards sexual and professional entitlement.

If you’re asking about me specifically: clichéd commitment issues; depression; a confusing combination of ambition and laziness; a profound disbelief in my own talents and worth; a sexual appetite that fluctuates between something close to addiction and disgust at the mere idea of touching another person’s body; total self-absorption; weak chin; the ugly gap between my big and middle toes.

I’ll put this bluntly: I’m a woman, and I have a hard time seeing men as equals. Partly it’s defensive, because I don’t want to be diminished by the men in my life or have my feelings hurt. But I worry sometimes that this defensiveness has hardened into an overall worldview that is not nice, and actually somewhat destructive, both to me and to guys. You could say it’s an equalizing counter-force to a sexist world and whatnot, but that would itself be defensive and pretty obnoxious.

I know there are a lot of crummy guys in the world who don’t care about women or see us as people, but there are also a lot of good guys who are doing their best, and I want to just be able to treat everyone like a person. That is my goal. Can you help?

This is interesting. I’m not sure I can. But your question reminds me of the old saw about how it is patriarchy, not feminism, that sees men as innate sexists and rapists and assholes; feminism instead sees men as capable of doing much better, and the goal is to liberate everyone, of all genders, from the roles we’re assigned. So it might help you to think about, in a non-accusatory and non-judgmental way, the implicit biological determinism in what you’re saying in order to challenge it: what does it tell you about your own ideas about gender if you’ve decided that men are naturally inferior? (I’m probably not telling you anything you don’t already know.)

I guess it all depends on where you place the locus of blame. If you think there’s something inherent in men that makes them worse than women, then that’s…probably an issue you should work on. But if you recognize that living under patriarchy teaches men to be bad people, and that the superstructure itself needs to change, and that all of us — especially men, obviously — need to work toward that change, then there’s nothing wrong with feeling this way, because you’re right. Men are terrible.

What does it mean to be a man, for you, and how much do you identify as one?

I’m a cisgender man and I’ve never experienced anything like gender dysphoria. But I have a pretty ambivalent relationship with masculinity. I was raised by a single mother and never had a male role model or father figure. I was a skinny, bookish, effeminate kid, jealous of the boys who appeared to have some preternatural grasp of the rules of football. A lot of those anxieties have carried over to my life today, and I still find nearly every aspect of traditional masculinity off-putting.

All that said, it would be dishonest to try to totally distance myself from masculinity, since I benefit from it and reinscribe it in countless ways. There are things I like about myself, as a man. I like being tall. I like having a deep voice. I like my dick. But I also feel pulled in opposing directions. Sometimes I wish I were more masculine, tougher and harder. At other times I wish I knew what it would be like to have tits and a clit. Come to think of it, those are not mutually exclusive desires.

What is the appeal of the so-called “crazy” chick — which is to say, women who treat you badly or cause problems with your friends or are generally dramatic. Is Taylor Swift right about how “boys only want love if it’s torture”?

I’ve only really been in this situation once: head-over-heels in love with a woman who was truly difficult and unpredictable. The appeal, for me, was that she was an amazing person — ferociously intelligent, an incredible writer, beautiful — and her difficulty was part of that package. It was what made her who she was. It didn’t last, clearly, but I’m glad I went through it. Being in love with someone who didn’t love me taught me I could feel things I didn’t know I could. The nights I lay awake, wondering if I had even crossed her mind that day — as awful as that was, at least I knew I wasn’t so stunted and affectless after all, that I could feel joy and misery on planes I wasn’t aware existed. I am a better person for it.

I also feel like this trope is sort of gender-neutral and universal — or, at least, that there is a heterosexual male equivalent in form of the “bad boy,” the guy who treats you like shit but keeps you coming back for more. Regardless of one’s gender or sexuality, for a lot of us there will always be an appeal about people who are dangerous or damaged or unhinged. They keep us on our toes. The highs are higher as a result of the lows. At the very least, things will never be dull.

A Dude is a dude who knows everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?