Adventures in Anxiety: How do I help someone who is having a panic attack?
By: Sarah Carr
Tags: Mental Health, Mental Illness, Panic Attack, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder

So sometimes my anxiety is a bit higher than normal, but I can usually calm myself down (see last week’s post for more about periods of higher anxiety). But sometimes it escalates beyond that and I have a panic attack.

What is a panic attack? For me, it feels like my mind and body are both out of control. The first time I had a panic attack I thought I was having a heart attack because it was racing so quickly. Sometimes my vision blurs or my hearing feels like its going away entirely. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to vomit all over the floor. In short, it’s terrible. And if I’m in a public place or at work? It’s even worse because it makes it harder to cope.

As hard as it is to have a panic attack, it can be equally as hard for people around me to understand how to help. What do you do? Do you get out of the way? Rush in and offer assistance? How can you tell how bad it really is?

Today I’m sharing what helps me when I am having a panic attack, but remember that this varies depending on each person and their preferences. If you know someone who has panic attacks, get curious and ask them, “How can I support you if you are having a panic attack?” and then simply do that thing.

What if you don’t know someone’s preferences but you notice someone struggling? You can simply ask them, “What do you need?” and abide by their wishes.

Remember — all someone is looking for during a panic attack is safety. There are different things that make different people feel safe — some of these we can do on our own, and others are easier with help.

So what can you do if you notice me, or anyone, having a panic attack?

However you intervene, use discretion. I’ve had people at work or otherwise say things like, “Why are you turning red and sweating?” What’s wrong?” “Are you okay?” in full voice in a crowded place. What happens then? Everyone turns to see what is happening. And nothing makes a panic attack better than an extra 50 pairs of eyes right.on.you.

Unless I’m on the floor or clearly incapacitated, please know that it’s unlikely everyone is noticing what’s happening. Calling attention to what is happening makes it worse. If possible, ask privately or with as much discretion as possible.

Use a neutral question or statement, like “How are you doing? or “What do you need? Remember that it’s possible you will get a less than fantastic response, and it might very well have nothing to do with you (or how you asked the question, etc.). This could be because someone is embarrassed, trying to self-manage and not break down, doesn’t feel comfortable talking, etc.

This is also important — you don’t know what is happening for that person. Unless they say, “I am having a panic attack!” asking something neutral says, “Hey, I see you and I want to support you” without diagnosing things. FWIW if I am having a panic attack I will disclose it if a) I trust you and/or b) it’s really, really bad

Help create safety. When I’m having a panic attack, I want to be safe. So I might say, “I need to feel safe right now. Would you help me ……?”

Help me find a safe physical space. Do you know of a place nearby that is quiet, isolated, dark, etc.? Maybe you can walk with me there.

Do you know of a place nearby that is quiet, isolated, dark, etc.? Maybe you can walk with me there. Help me with other physical needs. Maybe I will ask for a bottle of water. Once I needed my purse because it had my medication. Maybe I’m feeling dizzy and just need to make sure I don’t bonk my head.

Maybe I will ask for a bottle of water. Once I needed my purse because it had my medication. Maybe I’m feeling dizzy and just need to make sure I don’t bonk my head. Help me make a graceful exit. “Oh, Sarah just had to step out for a bit” is much better than “Oh. my. goodness! Guess who is having a panic attack right now??!” Being open with one person and asking for help is different than wanting to share the whole experience.

Please don’t do anything without permission. Sometimes I need a hug. Sometimes I need additional help. But unless you think my life is in imminent danger, please do not escalate to other forms of help without my permission. No need to call others for help or medical assistance. One of the first things I learned in CBT was that I would not actually die from a panic attack, though it sure feels like it.

If you worry that you are not equipped to handle what is asked, you might say, “I want to help and I’m not sure I know how. What should I do? Would it be okay for me to find other help?’

Be in a space of empathy, not sympathy. Tap into times when you’ve struggled mentally and physically and how you felt. We’ve all been there, whether it’s a panic attack or falling on our butts in front of the room or fainting or something else! No one wants the pity party or the “you poor thing!” sympathy. We just want human connection and caring, no matter our physical or mental state.

Remember — if it doesn’t go perfectly, cut yourself a bit of slack. You’re not going to be perfect at this. I make mistakes all the time regarding mental health, and it’s something I’ve been living with for years! Take it from me — it feels good to know that people are willing to support you and act if need-be, whether or not it’s the best possible support or not. I’m not going to get hung up over exact words when you come with a willing heart and caring spirit, and trust me, those things shine through everything.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and learn how you can help someone who is having a panic attack. If you get panic attacks, feel free to share this with people you know as a way to spark discussion and gain the support that you need.

Cheers, Sarah