A Grim Reminder of Prison
By: William, Dollar Bill
Tags: Humor, Food, Prison, Memoir, Lifestyle

A Grim Reminder of Prison

Photo by Luna Lovegood from Pexels

Ya see the stuff in the above image? That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talkin’ the man-made crap that’s so synthetic it doesn’t even melt in the oven! We used to have that shit at MCC federal prison, my home for the year 2019.

Kitchen workers at the facility ate almost as much as we stole down in the basement where we toiled for 6 cents an hour.

Really, it wasn’t that bad. There was a lot of food available for consumption anytime we wanted during the shift. And some of it was actually of reasonably high quality.

But then there were the individually-wrapped cheese slices (and the bologna) we put into sandwiches and then sent upstairs in the “bag nasties” the prison gave to incoming prisoners while they waited to be processed in the holding cells. That was something very different.

Occasionally, one of us would throw tomatoes in the bologna/cheese mix while we were assembling them, put them in the oven, and make melted cheese and bologna cheese sandwiches for ourselves. But there was a small problem. No matter for how long you left the configuration in the oven, the cheese would not melt.

“What the fuck is that shit?’ guys would shake their heads in dismay. I mean…cheese melts if you heat it. That wasn’t no fuckin’ cheese.

Well…we ate it anyway (albeit in moderation where I was concerned). Guys couldn’t have sex. So we sublimated with food. No further explanation required, I assume.

Now that I’m out…and a bachelor…and it’s Covid time…I score lunches at the local school. It’s like a one minute walk and the guy throws bags of food at me. It’s piling up in my refrigerator as we speak.

Or in the words of Roy Scheider in the movie “Jaws,”: “I think we’re gonna need a bigger refrigerator” (except he said “boat”).

The school will occasionally grill burgers and immediately freeze them before distribution. You can actually see the grill marks on the meat. And all ya gotta do is microwave the patty for 60 seconds and you’re off and running. Add a little cheese to the bun and ya got a nice cheeseburger.

Actually, the school burgers are pretty good provided you don’t leave them in the microwave too long and turn them into rubber.

I have a lot of cheese in the refrigerator because the school gives it out plentifully. Rather than open one of the wrapped cheese sandwiches to extract the cheese component, I sliced up a Land of the Lakes cheese stick of which I have like a dozen given to me one day at the school.

I see “Land of the Lakes” (a name brand) and I figure it’s cheese, right? Guess again, brothers and sisters. It’s that fake shit that won’t melt! The burger comes out sizzling (yum), but the cheese has this odd look which says “yeah, I’m hot. But what you’re about to eat ain’t no mother fuckin’ cheese, homey. Digest that!”

Ok! So I have to confess. I ate the fucking fake cheese. But afterward, I dug in the produce bin, pulled all the cheese sticks out, and threw them away. Hey! I’ve been to prison. Been there and done that. I don’t need any more reminders than that I still eat out of my prison bowl, and still drink out of my prison coffee mug. What can I say? The shit is indestructible. So I use it.

But back to that fucking cheese that doesn’t melt? No way, y’all. Hey! I got standards!