What You’re Feeling is Grief — With No Closure and Safety Nets
By: Zaithoon Bin Ahamed
Tags: Mindfulness, Grief, Emotional Wellbeing, Covid-19, Grief And Loss

The prevailing COVID-19 wave is a tough one to tackle because everyone’s worst fears have come true.

Statistics have turned into names and many of those names are within your circles — friends, family, extended family, friends like family, colleagues, neighbors, acqaintances.

People are social animals and we’ve relied on those around us within our communities for validation, support, celebration, and above all, comfort in times of need and in times of grief. And in close-knit societies like ours, it’s even more apparent because someone will turn up at your doorstep in a time of need. Your business is everyone’s business, but the support network is and has always been strong. I’ve always wondered if it is a blessing or a curse sometimes, but it’s that island mentality where everyone rallies around you for support (whether required or not) that makes Sri Lankans so special.

Apart from your near and dear friends and family, we all have an extended ‘aunty’ network who have an invisible umbilical cord attached to you that apparently gives them the right to share their views, opinions, and offer advise on everything. But they will also send you soup if you’re recovering from something as trivial as a tooth extraction, or call you three times a day to ask if you need any homemade meals sent over — even if you’re well over 40 years and quite capable of feeding yourself (I must admit that I sometimes unwittingly do the same to the many ‘children’ I indirectly ‘own’). We also have the ‘neighbourhood watch’ who will update you on every event, especially funerals or other sad occasions so you can collectively visit your grieving neighbours and offer them everything you can, including tight hugs, to help them tide over difficult times. It happens at work places too with sometimes people you’ve met for the first time — I once remember how a teammate was passing around a bowl of star fruit from his tree at home and I picked up one too and happened to mention how it was my favorite fruit. The very next day, he gave me a bag full of star fruit. The moment you hear of any distress in someone’s life, it’s an immediate reaction to inform as many people and offer assistance in numerous way to those within our network. We are warm, affectionate, endearing, caring, supportive, thoughtful and a relatively happy bunch because we’re there for each other, especially during times of grief.

The deadly mutations of COVID-19 is now taking away many people we know within our extended networks we operate in. It’s someone’s someone or sometimes ‘your’ someone. But the grief we’re feeling is harder because of the lack of closure and the absence of our safety net — closure in terms of how we grieve, pray, and bury/cremate our loved ones surrounded by our extended emotional safety net who will be there beside you till you heal. We cannot receive and give that comfort to anyone anymore either, the way we’re wired to and the way we have for generations.

We’re fighting this sense of detachment and struggling with what we’ve forced to reckon with — a life in isolation without the physical presence of people. But it will soon (if not already) be the norm and we have to learn to accept it to maintain our sanity. It’s an emotional struggle for many and the lack of closure and disconnect are compounding those feelings.

Mindfully Detach, Virtually Attach

I’ve read and learnt much about stoicism and mindfulness, especially over these extended lockdown periods, but putting these learnings into full practice has been a struggle. However, the recent developments and drastic change in how the world has evolved has put this into perspective and I’ve realized that the more you align, the better you will feel. Detachment is a great way to stay disconnected from your feelings — not in the sense of ignoring or burying them, but simply accepting them and not letting them control you. This is going to be how we continue to care for each other in a less ‘connected’ and more mindful way, minus the hugs.

Thanks to technology we can still be connected and see each other even from the darkest hole you’re confined to, deliver comforting food and other things, and have virtual parties, even though it will never be the same as doing this in person. It’s a game of compromise to mindfully detach and virtually attach, to keep going and also make sure you continue to be the safety net to those who rely on it.

In the midst of the pandemic, I’m packing my bags to take on a new role in a new country. Opportunities don’t come by everyday and you need to seize it every time and make the most of it. While I’m revelling in excitement with the adventure I’m about to embark on, I’m also sad I cannot say ‘goodbye’ to many people the way we’re used to doing so with lots of meet ups, drinks, dinners and a million hugs. But I will compromise and settle for video calls and virtual goodbyes.

It takes a bit of getting used to but this is the new, no-frills, no-fuss world! And if you need help to cope, SEEK it and address it — there’s no shame in getting professional help to ensure your mental wellness is in tact. And get VACCINATED if you haven’t already.

Pleasure is always derived from something outside you, whereas joy arises from within. The very thing that gives you pleasure today will give you pain tomorrow, or it will leave you, so its absence will give you pain. And what is often referred to as love may be pleasurable and exciting for a while, but it is an addictive clinging, an extremely needy condition that can turn into its opposite at the flick of a switch. Many “love” relationships, after the initial euphoria has passed, actually oscillate between “love” and hate, attraction and attack. Real love doesn’t make you suffer. How could it? It doesn’t suddenly turn into hate, nor does real joy turn into pain. — Eckhart Tolle, Power of now