Tears of Change
Tags: Self-awareness, Self Improvement, Change, The Bad Influence, Mental Health

Self-Improvement

Tears of Change

Photo from the author

Recently I have been learning what it means to truly feel. It is incredibly uncomfortable, and I am experiencing it in a way I hate, but it has forced me to figure out how to create healthy change. Part of learning what it means to feel includes learning how to cry.

Control

I hate crying. I don’t mean that in a tough-guy way, or at least I don’t think I do. It infuriates me because it causes me to understand that I have to deal with complicated feelings. It tells me that I am at a breaking point and that I do not have the strength to stop myself from experiencing specific emotions that I am generally able to suppress.

I don’t like feeling my physiological responses to crying. I feel my stomach flex in a way that tells me I need comfort. My throat restricts my airflow yet simultaneously demands that my pain be vocalized in a way that I cannot control. I’m unable to control my diaphragm as I lose the ability to breathe. I feel my face contort in a way that makes me forcefully admit that I need help. The raw and powerful heat behind my eyes manifests itself in the furious tears that I cannot figure out how to stop. My eyes involuntarily shut, not allowing me to center myself by looking at my surroundings.

There are times when controlling people’s perceptions of me feels like it needs to be paramount, but I didn’t realize that until recently. I want to be a symbol of stability, support, and unwavering strength for people. I tell myself that I need to have a fierce grip on what I feel; because if I do not, then I am admitting that I cannot be those things for people.

I know these are cognitive distortions, but they are the first things that come to my mind regardless.

I believe some of this is tied to the fact that I have experienced traumatic situations over which I had no control. Some of these experiences included violations of my emotional and physical boundaries. I don’t want to give that control to anyone ever again, and sometimes that is to a fault. The minute I feel that happening with someone, I am quick to pull back; because I feel threatened, even if that is not their intention. I often feel like I am the only one that can keep myself safe, and up to this year, that has been the truth.

Release

While 95% of me hates crying, a small percentage of me feels the necessity of the full release of emotions. There have been times where I have cried, and I feel as if I hit a reset button on my energy. Though the flow of warm tears frequently symbolizes a lack of control, it also holds an absolute comfort that I can’t get from anything or anyone else.

I wish that I would be more open to feeling and more open to crying, and I think that a shift is happening in my life right now. It is hard to accept, but I also know that it is something that I have to accept as I continue to work on myself. I want my children to be able to express their feelings. I want to support them when they are having a hard time, and I want them to feel safe sharing their deepest, most painful feelings with me. I want them to know that I will uphold and protect their emotions when they share them. However, I need first to figure out how to do that for myself.

I have found myself crying more in the past few months than I have probably cried in the past ten years combined. I have noticed a pattern of anger when I start to cry, yet I feel the relief at the end of those emotional moments. I am learning to accept the feelings that I have suppressed for years. I am discovering a new version of myself, and it feels awkward, painful, and necessary.

Acceptance

There was an instance in the past week where I have shouted at myself, “It is ok to feel!” in the midst of crying because I was trying my hardest to get myself to stop.

It was a powerful moment. Because it let me see that I will do everything to maintain the perception that I am strong and that I can handle anything that life throws at me, yet the reality is, I can’t. It is not humanly possible to hold that weight without breaking at times, and I have to accept that. I don’t want to admit that, but my mind, body, and spirit have taught me that they will accept it regardless of my permission.

Growth is necessary to experience the best quality of life. That is a fact that I am comfortable helping other people understand, but it is a whole different beast when it comes to me understanding that for my own life. I am learning to become safe in expressing my feelings to not only myself but to other people as well. There’s a good chance that it will take a while. I have recently been hurt in choosing to be open emotionally, but I haven’t retreated as fast and fiercely as I did in the past.

I am beginning to understand that I can allow my tears to hold purpose and that they can engraft life lessons into my being as they gently cradle and redefine my weary face. I am beginning to understand that my feelings can provide a roadmap for change in my life. I am beginning to realize that I must entrust my emotions to those who want to love me genuinely.

I can embrace the ugliness when I cry, knowing that the result is that my soul shines with a new brightness after being cleansed by the rich and rejuvenating tears that offer me unconditional comfort and new revelation.