What no one tells you about breastfeeding
By: Marissa Hawkins
Tags: Newborn, Baby, Breastfeeding, New Mom, Pregnancy

What no one tells you about breastfeeding

“Are you planning to breastfeed?”

The question gets asked many times along the journey to motherhood. When you start telling people you are expecting, when you start registering for and having your baby showers, when you visit your OBGYN, when you talk to other new (and old) moms, and when you are admitted to the hospital when in labor.

My answer was always the same: “That’s the plan, we’ll see how it goes.” In my heart, I knew it was what I wanted to do. Still, I had heard of the downsides of breastfeeding, and I wanted to be realistic. I had heard breastfeeding was super painful, and your boobs would hurt. I had heard that sometimes babies don’t want to latch. I had heard that it is a hassle to be the only one who can feed the baby.

When I first started to write this, I wrote a long story about my experiences in the first few weeks of my son’s life — complete with every detail of what I tried in terms of breastfeeding, nursing and feeding my baby when he was struggling to gain weight. I still have all those details written out, and I will happily share them if anyone cares to read them. I realized as I wrote them, I was still trying to do one thing — justify the reason that breastfeeding did not work for my son and me. I was trying to explain everything we tried in attempts to make it work, and I was trying to prove that I didn’t just give up when things were tough in the beginning. Those things are all true. I’m going to give a Cliff notes version of what my journey looked like instead, just for context.

My baby struggled to gain weight in his first few weeks, and I struggled with my supply. At first, we thought my milk just hadn’t come in yet. My mom breastfed with my sister and me, and she talked about the full feeling in both breasts when her milk came in. I was not feeling anything like that. I began reading about every resource I could find about how to make your milk come in. I started eating oatmeal twice daily. I was drinking 160 oz of water a day. I was nursing skin to skin. I joined breastfeeding groups on Facebook, and I talked to friend and friends of friends about increasing my supply. I ate Oreos and drank blue Gatorades (some of these Facebook breastfeeding groups swear by this trick). I tried the Mother’s milk tea (spoiler alert: it tastes like licorice — awful!). I took Fenugreek (yes, I know it can lower supply in some). The supply never came. Through weighted feeds during appointments and communication with lactation consultants, we determined my baby was an “inefficient nurser” despite having a good latch and no tongue or lip ties. I exclusively pumped to give my baby as much breastmilk as I could, and I supplemented with formula. I started off with pumping 12 times a day; I was making 14–15 oz a day. This wasn’t enough — he needed 20–22 oz. I was supplementing with 1–2 bottles of formula each day. I struggled to keep up and was constantly behind. I was still using every supplement, and I was trying every trick in the book to increase my supply. I began power pumping — this put me at 16–18 pumps a day. It didn’t matter. My supply barely increased. I settled in at 8–10 pumps per day for the first 3 months and slowly dropped pumps as I returned to work. I weaned from the pump when he was 5.5 months old.

I have always been a very determined person and a hard worker. If you set your mind to something and work hard, it will work out. From the beginning, I was convinced if this didn’t work out for me, it was my fault. For the first time in my life, I truly felt like I was failing. To make matters worse, I was failing at the most simple and basic of tasks — providing food for my baby. It was such a hard pill to swallow. I couldn’t understand it. No one could explain to me why my supply was low. No one knew why my baby was an inefficient nurser. In his first few weeks of life, I spent many days in tears, wondering why this was happening and blaming myself.

What felt worse than all of this: no one told me this could happen. No one warned me that sometimes for no reason at all, you just don’t produce as much milk. Sometimes, your milk doesn’t ever come in. Sometimes, you are an underproducer and will have to supplement your baby with formula. Sometimes, you cannot nurse your baby for reasons that are out of your control even if your supply is there. Sometimes, you have to feed your baby from a bottle. Most of the time, these things were not in your original plan.

It took me a while to come to terms with this scenario that was out of my control. The first of many situations like this as a mother, I have no doubt. I am here to tell you — it can happen. After joining many Facebook support groups for breastfeeding with thousands of members across the globe, I learned low supply affects people of every shape, size, age, nationality, and ethnicity. If it affects you, you are not alone. More importantly, you are not a failure.

After my struggles with breastfeeding, I have read and learned about many different challenges people experience that no one seems to discuss. These challenges are real. The people that go through them with hormones raging in those first few weeks/months post partum are real. They need to know they are not alone. They also need to know that it is okay to choose another path to feed their baby. They need to know they are not giving up even if that is what it feels like. They need to know their baby needs them in so many ways other than breastfeeding.

That is what I am here to tell you all: Moms — you are not failing — whether you nurse your child until they are five years old, you choose to give your baby formula, or pump around the clock and give your baby bottles. You are doing what is right for you. You are doing the best you can. You are not alone. Your baby loves you. This will be the first of many times that things don’t go as planned as a mom. When you hold that sweet baby of yours and watch them smile at you, nothing else will matter. You are doing a great job. Don’t ever forget it.

This is for all moms — expectant, new and old. It is for every woman expecting their first baby and. is for moms who nurse their babies until they are toddlers or older. It is for every mom who is breastfeeding and has to eliminate foods from her diet for baby. It is for moms who never had any desire to breastfeed and gave their baby formula from birth. It is for every mom who decided to take the exclusively pumping route for their baby for any reason. It is for anyone struggling to breastfeed. It is for anyone who planned to breastfeed, and for whatever reason, it is not going as planned. It is for new moms who are doing any combination of nursing and pumping. It is for moms who have to return to work and must begin pumping and ensuring baby will take breast and bottle.

We all need to hear this.

You are a great mom. You are a wonderful mom whether your baby nurses, or drinks breastmilk from a bottle, or has formula from birth. How you choose to feed your baby does not define you, and it does not define your relationship with your child. In a world where society places all sorts expectations on moms, just know this: loving your child is the most important thing. You don’t love your child less because you feed them formula. You don’t love your child less because you decide you don’t want to breastfeed for any reason. Most importantly, you did not fail.