June is Gay Pride month.
By: James Garas Md
Tags: Pride

June is Gay Pride month.

I have spent a lot of time this week thinking about what “Pride” means.

The truth is, I’ve never felt proud to be gay. I’ve always been at war with this part of myself. The truth is, there would have been a lot less suffering for myself and my loved ones if I never was.

But I am.

And so many years ago, in the throngs of confusion and heartache and mired with guilt and self-loathing, I decided that whether Gay or Straight, I had to become a Human, a Man, of whom I could be proud. I swore to set high standards, take responsibility for my choices and care for the souls God placed in my life. And because of that I was blessed with friends and family who helped make that happen.

And although this is incredibly difficult for me to write, as the tears immediately start flowing, I want to say that I finally do feel proud of myself. I am proud of the human, man, father, brother, son, and lover I am and that part of being Me is being Gay.

To my straight friends: Everything in my life growing up felt like it was happening through a glass wall. I could see but not engage the world around me. These same sex attractions caused deep shame and separated me from everyone I loved. I was removed and separated and I hated myself in my loneliness.

God is a faithful God and every step along the way, in the darkness and on the mountain paths, He showed up. His goodness broke me and to my dying breath I will never reject my Lord. I caused grave pain to those who loved me most and there are many things for which I struggle to forgive myself. But they forgave me and I learned by their example. I have taken responsibility and I’m proud of the father, ex-husband, son, brother and friend I now am.

I lack the skill to articulate what it means to be a Father, especially a father to my precious son. He is my most favored person in this world. Having a child does not guarantee I will be loved. In fact, it’s the opposite. Having a child only means you will love more than you ever though possible if you’re open to it. It will break you and rebuild you. This beautiful task has anchored, and indeed saved, my life. Gratitude causes my knees to bend and my spirit to bow. I was given the gift of my son; and 13 years into it, I am proud of the father I am. I’ve taken it seriously and it changed who I was and finally after all of this time, I’ve stopped apologizing for myself.

Part of what makes me the dad I am is the part that sees and experiences the world as a gay man.

I have been given much and for much I am responsible. I struggled in school but made it through and I’m privledged to be a physician. God protected me and quickened my talents and enabled me to prosper in what has been a challenging career. I am so grateful to love anesthesiology and I am proud of the doctor He’s made me. Compassion for patients sprouts from our Humanity and an integral part of my humanity comes from being Gay.

And so we are all made of many parts; our experiences, culture, character and who and how we love. They are interworking parts of a whole. What has changed in me is that I’m no longer ashamed of the part of me that loves another man.

To my gay friends: I want to share my deepest hopes for us all.

This life is wonderful and vibrant and to be celebrated. But it’s also served with heavy doses of difficulty, cruelty and rejection from the world outside but even worse:

from one another.

Therefore, being “Gay” isn’t enough. We are men and women standing alone in front of a looking glass. Let us “Know Thyself” and be proud of the people we are based on Right things. We have a Conscious and that voice can be killed or strengthened based on the choices that feed it.

There is a benefit and a cost for each and every choice. Let’s be wise and choose our steps accordingly.

The price for the Frivolous is the Substantial.

It is the way of the world.

If there are things and choices that zap the pride we feel when staring at the looking glass then don’t despair.

Let’s forgive what needs to be forgiven, from ourselves and our families and make things better.

Let’s drive our actions by what we think and believe and not how we feel.

Most of the best decisions in my life felt bad at first because they required sacrifice.

May we all know what we believe about Life and may it be the Truth.

May we Struggle with Purpose.

The world is going to tell you that if you’re gay, you need to be a certain way. But it’s fool’s gold and most of it will lead toward dark and lonely places.

Protect the precious parts of our Humanity; We are made to bless others.

Love the Right and Good, even when we choose the Wrong and Bad.

Be kind. Be Kind. Be Kind. Be Kind. Even when we suffer.

Kindness in the depth of anguish is great strength.

Don’t Love unless it’s Right. Control your heart. We so often desire the things which aren’t ours. It’s a torture of our own making.

Don’t fear Time- He does not discriminate and nor should we.

Respect our elders. They fought and suffered in ways we can’t grasp and we benefit from their sacrifice. They have much to teach us.

Judge ourselves Strictly but Fairly. We are created in the image of God: we each have a trinity of Mind, Body and Soul. Not one without the other is complete. The mind without community is forlorn. The muscle without heart is short lived. The emotional without intellect is a leaf in the wind.

My dear friends, we deal with a lot more than most.

Gay life comes at you hard and quick.

And so we must be stronger and better than most.

So hear this: Love is not just a feeling. It means that you do whatever is for the True good of the other, despite the cost to yourself. And therefore Loving ourselves does not mean over-indulging ourselves. It means fighting for the best parts of ourselves and having the self discipline and support to keep ourselves on that path.

The beauty of this is that your friends will show up- like they did for me- to sustain you. So that now, when I’m proud of who I am, I know it’s a result of each shared prayer, tough conversation, shared struggle, joyous resolution and loud encouragement from my incredible friends and family that made me who I am.

And so to everyone I say this: I am proud of Me because of YOU and who I am is result of the people I’ve loved and who have loved me. The good and the bad.

May we be Proud for the best reasons and go forth lovingly.

Know that for whatever it’s worth, if you’re reading this it means that I am also proud of you.

Happy Pride!