How to Survive Grief This Thanksgiving
By: A. Olivia Nelson
Tags: Death And Dying, Grief Support, Thanksgiving Day, Grief, Grief And Loss

Anxiety was shaking my body around like a baby holding a rattle, sending the contents of my stomach on an endless free fall.

I wasn’t sick, and nothing had happened, but it was Thanksgiving, and I was on my way to my late-partner’s family’s house.

The drive to their home happened countless times without him by now but it didn’t get any easier, only different. I knew what to expect and that made coping better each time.

“I made it safe, baby,” I said out loud as if he could hear me.

I parallel parked in front of the house and everything looked the same: the holiday décor, the visitor’s cars parked in their usual spot, the smell of the beach the house sat on. Even the neighbors’ yard looked unchanged since the last holiday.

I walked inside the home and saw everyone gathered around with my normal seat at the dining table awaiting me. I greeted everyone with a hug and kiss — the family standard, and smiles and jokes followed. Everyone seemed so happy. Well, almost everyone. A feeling of emptiness hit me, and I couldn’t figure out why.

“Someone’s missing,” I thought.

I took inventory: Uncle, check. Aunt, check. Mom and dad, check. Brothers? Check. Cousins, in-laws, babies, puppies? Check, check, check.

Then it hit me. Jay isn’t here. How could I have forgotten?

An intangible wave ebbed and flowed around my heart. Here we all were, together, on this day of finding grace and gratitude — a time of being thankful for what we had, yet how could I? My life was different now. All of ours was. It was hard to name what I had when who I had was no longer. My only connection to this family was gone and the person I expected to be at the table most, no longer could.

How I’m Really Feeling

I keep thinking about this as Thanksgiving comes up this year. 2020’s holidays will be filled with grief and loss. People will be absent from the table either because they’ve died, or COVID-19 is keeping those who haven’t away from the fear of doing so.

Carrying this loss is hard and if you’re grieving this or have anxiety about it . . . that’s completely normal. It’s a natural human experience.

Just this time last year my late fiancé was alive. I was a one-time widow, not two. Going into a holiday with an old grief and new one is difficult and regardless of who you have lost and how long (or short) it has been, I won’t expect this to be easy. (Although I’d love for it to be.)

So, here’s how I plan to cope, and how I have in the past.

1. It’s okay to say no to a holiday. It’s been a few years since I’ve first been widowed and one holiday season, I decide to cancel everything. No parties. No dinners. No nothing. Call me Mrs. Scrooge but I felt more at peace not participating than being around everyone. Be careful not to isolate yourself, but if you aren’t feeling up to the holiday festivities this year, even if they are virtual, know that this is OK. Your friends and family may not get it, but I do. You’re allowed to skip this one.

2. Plan ahead by talking to friends. Last year, I told my friends and family that although I had my fiancé, spending time with my late-partner’s family around the holidays was still difficult for me. It was fun, no doubt, but that “he’s missing” part doesn’t go away. I told them that if I seemed a bit “off” and not as jovial to not take it personally. I welcomed them to check in with me throughout the night. Setting other’s expectation of me was a huge relief for everyone and allowed me to be supported in the way I best needed to be.

3. Honor you loved one if you need. For the first few years after my late partner’s death, I wrote him a letter in my journal either around or on the actual date of the holiday. It gave all the built-up emotions a home other than inside my mind and my heart. I wrote about the good times we had around the holidays, and the good times I wish we would have had also. I wrote down my anger and joy and frustration. I highly recommend doing this if you lack support during your grief.

(It can be done on a note on your phone, too, while you’re at a family event if you need a minute or two to “just feel.”) Writing your emotions down allows your love and grief to be acknowledged — something we all need.

Last few tips:

1. It’s okay to stay off social media if you have to (or not). It’s also okay to share old pictures and stories of your person. It doesn’t matter how many years it has been. In fact, I share pictures of both of my late partners . . . even still.

2. Sometimes you have to go with the flow. We can plan grief, we can only think how we may best prepare ourselves for possible triggers. If you have to sit in grief, do so. No person who really understands grief would expect you to push it aside like this never happened.

3. Be kind to yourself. If there’s one thing I can’t stress enough, it’s this. You’ve had a lot taken from you, friend. This road is long and isn’t easy. It’s challenging enough that others don’t understand the weight of your pain. Please be gentle with your hurting soul and mind. You deserve that much.

With tenderness,

Olivia

Do you have tips to share with me? We are walking this journey together. Or do you have questions? Let me know. I’d love for us to help one another.