Things I’ve Learned from the Pandemic Thus Far
By: Lori Welch Brown
Tags: Funny, Covid 19, Pandemic, Humor, Life

Things I’ve Learned from the Pandemic Thus Far

If you’re missing the lessons, you’re missing the point

Photo by Dan Gold on Unsplash

How much I appreciate Starbucks bathrooms. When everything shut down, I had to invest in a lot of costly, yet pee-convenient skorts for long road trips.

Kittens are incredibly entertaining. I can spend hours watching them play with water coming from the faucet.

You can pretty much survive anything as long as you have Amazon and Netflix.

Amazon has invented a time machine in order to deliver within 8 minutes.

Toilet paper is truly a commodity.

I don’t wash my hands nearly enough or long enough.

Make up is highly overrated.

Manicurists should get paid more.

COVID-19 is a thing — not the actual illness, but rather the pounds. I’m pretty sure the illness is too though. For real.

We need thicker walls, and my husband’s conversations are mostly boring.

My husband needs to take his inside voice down about 89 decibels.

You can make a fashion accessory out of pretty much anything — including masks.

There’s a lot of good shit on Etsy.

You can actually make money writing blogs about a lot of stupid shit.

My stomach can hold a lot more food than I gave it credit for.

Someone somewhere has made a YouTube video for anything you need to know.

Even if you’re buying cheap wine, it still adds up.

Relationships take work — whether it’s showing your SO affection or teeing up Zoom happy hours for friends — you have to take some initiative.

Apparently I need to create an email subscriber list in order for my life to be complete.

Schitt’s Creek is the most amazing show ever — maybe better than Seinfeld or Friends.

My sink may have the ability to breed dishes.

Holidays feel pointless without your family.

I have a crush on Daniel Levy.

Photo Courtesy of GQ

Laundry still doesn’t fold itself. Hello, Shark Tank wannabees!

No one arrests you if you stay in your pajamas all day, but you do feel better if you make a point to wash them at least once a week.

We go through a shit ton of toilet paper.

Technology remains a challenge, but I can’t survive without wifi.

My grandparents were amazing human beings — they lived without wifi, Amazon, and Netflix.

I have a newfound respect for Mathew McConaughey after listening to Greenlights.

My therapist is pretty fucking brilliant.

Our dog sleeps a shit ton.

There are way more kids in our neighborhood than I realized.

Podcasts are cool.

Toilets get pretty nasty pretty quickly.

No matter how gross I think I am, my husband still wants to have sex with me.

Perfume is a total waste of money, but deodorant is worth every penny.

I don’t need a fancy gym with a ton of equipment to work out, but I miss my gym community.

One of our neighbors walks his dog every 15 minutes. Not kidding.

I can fill a lot of time with some really pointless shit.

Clutter totally messes with your head.

Dogs have at least 49 different expressions, and annoyance is one of them.

One of my kittens is a complete asshole at 4 am. In return, I can torture her with costumes I can order and have delivered in 8 minutes from Amazon.

Photo Courtesy of Author

You can buy anything on Amazon, including costumes for kittens.

I have way too much shit, and yet I continue to order more shit.

Online banking is genius.

Even if you can drink every day, you shouldn’t.

Twitter continues to baffle me.

We have a large population of killer squirrels in our backyard. I know this because our dog alerts me to their every movement.

The jury is out on shaving, but potentially a waste of time.

If I continue to keep ordering pointless shit that ends up torturing me in the form of clutter, I could end up living under a bridge with nothing but my kitten costumes to keep me warm. I’m sure there’s some irony in that.

WTSO and Chewy.com are happiness in a box for all of us, and totally NOT pointless.

My neighbors are bad ass.

Sugar and alcohol effect your energy levels, but that’s why God invented caffeine.

Nurses, doctors, and caregivers are super heroes.

Hugs are medicine for the spirit. I miss hugging my dad and don’t think I’ll feel really well again until I can again.

Photo of me and pops circa pre-pandemic.

COVID-19, I am totally over you, but I get it. You’ve left me with some valuable lessons. In some fucked up way, I’m sure I’ll thank you some day. Just not today. I’m almost out of wine, and I’ve only got 7 minutes to order my kitten a tutu in order for Amazon to deliver it in 4.