90 Days of “Tell Me More”
By: Julee Everett
Tags: Communication, People, Life, Mental Health, Coaching

90 Days of “Tell Me More”

How a Simple Coaching Technique helped Transform this Introvert’s Pandemic, Depression, and Relationships

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

First, we felt energized and productive through the state of emergency. Then, we experienced depression, infighting, and fatigue that appear in a regression state. Now, we are moving into a recovery phase (and in some regions, back into regression.) Merete Wedell-Wedellsborg’s article in Harvard Business Review, “If You Feel Like You’re Regressing, You’re Not Alone,” eloquently chronicles my experience living through the COVID-19 pandemic. I imagine it may describe yours, too. This is the story of how applying a simple coaching technique changed my pandemic, my depression, and my relationships.

Emergency

For the first three months of the Great Pause, I celebrated working from home. Like many, I reveled in gaining back the lost hours of commuting. My professional life revolved around traveling and face-to-face interactions. My Great Pause wasn’t a new life of leisure — my energy was re-directed to becoming more technically fluent and establishing a professional remote-working environment. Like others, my household shifted and adapted while we adjusted to new patterns. I felt the shared identity and the unity from the massive global impact of the shutdown. We were all in it together.

Regression

During the second three months, I started to realize this wasn’t going away. With my technical challenges beginning to resolve, my learning focus shifted to absorb all the information I could about this unprecedented, wily predator in our lives. As an avid student and observer of human behavior, I was particularly interested in the psychological and behavioral responses to the enforced shutdown at the meta and the micro. I witnessed the divisive reactions that were becoming so evident with the American political landscape and our individual responses to pandemic restrictions.

In the meantime, my old foe Depression was creeping over my personal pandemic bubble like the invasive ivy of an English garden. As an introvert, I have trouble initiating conversations, and I dislike small talk. I like remote work — I often exploit technology to buffer my interactions. (It’s likely one of the reasons I blog.) But depression feeds on isolation. Mine was growing in isolation as the political strife around me increased, the daylight decreased, and my interpersonal interactions dwindled.

Some of my habits, like meditation, became critical coping mechanisms. I increased my Vitamin-D and exercised with daily walks. I ate healthier. But it wasn’t enough.

Recovery

Merete Wedell-Wedellsborg’s article mentioned above describes reorientating into a recovery phase by creating a new “day one.” To do this, we can start by calibrating the emotional climate of those around us. In my professional life, I coach and speak on emotional EQ, so this seemed like a great answer, but I couldn’t get past the creeping ivy.

On one of my long survival walks, I listened to a Master Class by New Yorker author David Sedaris. Sedaris stated, “Small talk doesn’t have to be small talk.” This captured my wandering attention. Finally, I could see an action that I could take, something that I could control and starve that beast of depression. I decided to deliberately and intentionally reach out to others, intending to connect with another human every day for 90 days. I would leverage my coaching experience and a simple coaching technique to help me find opportunities to connect. I began 90 days of practicing, “Tell me more.”

“Tell me more” is a powerful, open-ended question that prompts people to speak. Combined with a thoughtful pause, people often respond by going further with the conversation than you might ever imagine.

I was hoping to find my way back to the sunlight. This daily practice has exceeded my expectations — it restored my outlook and refreshed my relationships.

My New Day One

I started scheduling virtual coffee breaks with people outside my usual inner circle nearly every day. I didn’t plan who to talk to — as the opportunity presented itself, I asked for a date, and we immediately put it on the calendar.

I found there was delightful creativity bubbling up everywhere! “Tell me more” helped me learn about a friend’s new pandemic hobby, like the gazebo they were building in the back yard. Another showed me the website they created to unite a community. After one talk, a colleague sent me a short story he had written that gave me insights into their creative talent that I would never have known had he not told me more.

Often, people opened up on a more personal level than could have happened without taking the time to make an intentional connection — sharing both joys and challenges. One colleague shared the story of her new sobriety, earned in isolation. Celebrating life’s accomplishments with each other, I hope, doubles the pleasure.

A business associate had to pull out of an engagement. By pausing to listen when I heard a catch in her voice and give her a few moments to grieve, my silent “Tell me more” prompted her to share that she had lost both parents within days of each other due to COVID. I prayerfully believe the telling somehow lessened the pain.

As time went on, I got braver — I started interacting with people I didn’t know at all. After an unsolicited observation from someone about the aroma of the coffee I was buying at the grocery store, a simple “tell me more” prompted him to recall his memories of vast coffee plantations in his home country.

At home, practicing “Tell me more” has my partner and I connecting in ways that are reminiscent of our early relationship. It’s awakening a craving to discover and share more in-depth with each other. This simple prompt opens up conversations with my husband about some of the problem-solving he does during remodeling, like an intricate plumbing solution in an incredibly small space. It was not the plumbing solution I remember–it was experiencing how much he truly enjoys the problem-solving inherent in his craft.

With my family, “Tell me more” leads us into our observations of others, things we read, and our belief systems. They share more about our family memories and how their childhood shaped their adulthood. They describe the intricacies of their current relationships, professional goals, and plans.

Every Day is Day One

This small daily practice has helped me refresh my relationships and my outlook. “Tell me more” prompted short soliloquy’s into people’s personal challenges, passions, and dreams. Their stories awakened my senses and brought me inspiration. I hope that the few moments of connections were also valuable to the others that were unwittingly part of my social experiment.

I hope this finds you all moving through the pandemic from surviving to thriving. If you have found a similar practice that is helping, please share in the comments. Tell me more.

~Julee Everett

Hone your craft, speak your truth, show your thanks