I Learned to Masturbate Before I Knew What Masturbation Was
By: Gb Rogut
Tags: Sexuality, Relationships, Sex Education, Feminism, Sex

I don’t remember exactly how old I was. Nine? Ten? Who knows? The point is, I made a magical discovery — one that would bring me lots of joy and pleasure.

I was trying to fall asleep. Back then, I lived in fear 24/7. My parents used to verbally and physically abuse my siblings and me, so bedtime always came as a respite.

Without thinking too much, I positioned one of my pillows between my legs, just trying to get into a comfortable position. Then, for reasons I’ll never get to understand, I thrust into the pillow.

Wow…

I didn’t know how or why, but a delicious feeling spread all over my body. Obviously, I had to do it again. And again. And again.

And again.

Ignorance was not an obstacle

And that’s how I got my first climax ever. Of course, I didn’t know what I had just done. I had no idea what masturbation was, and the word orgasm was not part of my vocabulary. No one had ever talked to me about sex.

Still, given my parents rearing methods, I decided it would be better to keep this discovery to myself. Some instinct told me they wouldn’t agree to this.

My ignorance of everything related to sex didn’t make me stop. I literally didn’t know what I was doing, but that didn’t mean I would keep myself from experiencing some pleasure.

So I kept going.

An attempt at sex education

A few years went by like this. Then, on a glorious day, when I was at school, my Biology teacher decided it was time to explain to the class how reproduction worked in mammals. She took a deep breath and then tried to give us a bit of sex education.

Poor woman!

She was in a room full of teenagers who wanted to pretend they already knew everything about sex. However, the situation took an even more awkward turn when she tackled the subject of masturbation. She focused on explaining why it was wrong for boys to spend too much time in the bathroom with themselves.

All around me, I heard my male classmates snickering. It seemed that the teacher had made a joke, but I couldn’t understand why it was so funny.

She said nothing about us, girls, so I figured whatever happened in the bathroom but just a boys’ issue. However, my mother would soon prove me wrong.

She said that was filthy

It was late in the afternoon. I had finished my homework and was trying to relax. So I grabbed my favorite pillow and decided to have some fun. I was in the middle of it when my mother suddenly walked into the room.

I tried to rearrange myself as fast as possible, but she still saw enough to figure out what I was doing.

She was livid.

“What are you doing with that between your legs? That’s filthy!” she said.

“Nothing,” was all I managed to respond.

“Yeah, right!” she added and then left.

I then experienced some confusing feelings. No doubt, touching myself brought me great happiness…but it seemed that it was wrong. That it somehow made me dirty.

Recovering my sexual wisdom

Dirty or not, I never fully stopped, but I did make it a point to hide it. I never talked to anyone about it, not even during girl talk, and when my romantic partners would ask about it, I would deny doing that.

“Who? Me? Of course not,” would be my reply.

There was even the guy who suggested that masturbation was unnecessary if you already had a partner. His reasoning was, “If you have someone to play with, why play alone?”

At the time, I didn’t know what to respond to him. Still, I sensed he was wrong. Why should it be wrong to have some fun? To relax and enjoy the good feel hormones an orgasm brings? Why wait until there’s someone there to “give it” to you?

A few years after that guy, I started to change things in my life. I began to read more about sex, especially when it came to what other women had to say.

More and more, I encountered a radically different point of view. I learned masturbation is not only something you can do if you want to, it can actually be a self-care strategy. To love yourself and find pleasure, even if you don’t have a partner by your side. To use toys, if you feel like it.

To have fun just for the sake of it.

Nowadays, it amazes me how wise my younger self was. The girl I was back then instinctively knew what felt good. No one had to teach her that. There was this sexual intelligence in me that too many individuals tried to suppress, and yet, somehow, it survived.

I find myself on a mission now to unlearn all of the misinformation I was fed during my growing years. I want the sex goddess in me to come forward and claim her rightful place in my mind, my soul… and between my legs.