Reflection
By: Ginger Mcmurray
Tags: Autobiography, Transgender, Music, Gender Identity

There’s one song that made me bawl for hours. Now it makes me smile instead.

This started as an answer on quora, but grew into something I felt I needed to share everywhere,

As a closeted transgender woman I constantly hid who I was. My days were spent wearing my “man suit.” My nights were taken up being “Daddy.” It was only on the weekends when I got to be myself. Even then it was only in the middle of the night when my kids were asleep and my (soon to be ex) wife was out partying with friends).

I’d put on some of her clothes (clumsily). I’d stuff a bra with tissues (laughably). I’d do my makeup (horribly).

I’d in myself (guiltily).

Fast forward a few years: My marriage is in the final stages. I’m dating someone new. They’re very supportive and it’s letting me crawl timidly out of my shell. Strangers at Walmart have seen the real me, but my family hasn’t. My kids are with my ex a lot, so I get more time to be myself around the house. I’ve even started feeling brave enough to under-dress at work: i.e. wear feminine clothes under my masculine ones.

The thinner your walls get, the faster they crack.

I was constantly fighting who I am because of decades of guilt and fear. It’s a fight I couldn’t win and it tore me apart.

The breaking point came one night around 2:00 am. My partner was asleep beside me. We’d had a fun evening where I got to be me. As they drifted off to sleep, I lied in bed staring up at the ceiling. As it always did, the joy started to give way to the sorrow. In just a short while I’d have to put everything away and slink back into my costume.

Music has always been my escape, and that night was no different. I had my headphones on and this song blaring. I put it on repeat and cried. Line by line, my walls shattered.

Look at me you may think you see

Who I really am but you’ll never know me

Every day it’s as if I play a part

Now I see if I wear a mask

I can fool the world but I cannot fool my heart

How was this song written just for me? How did they know?

I am now in a world where I

Have to hide my heart and what I believe in

But somehow I will show the world

What’s inside my heart and be loved for who I am

Is that even possible? Could someone really love me when they see past the mask? How could they, when I couldn’t?

There’s a heart that must be free to fly

That burns with a need to know the reason why

Why must we all conceal what we think and how we feel?

Must there be a secret me I’m forced to hide?

WHY!?!?!?

I won’t pretend that I’m someone else for all time

For a moment towards the end of every iteration I was filled with courage. If she could be herself, I could, too! Couldn’t I?

It was that last question that wrenched the hardest. What if I couldn’t? What if I tried and lost everything? What if I didn’t and stayed forever stuck in my nightmarish limbo?

I have no idea how many times I listened to it that night. It was at least 20, maybe twice that. Eventually I couldn’t fight sleep any longer and had to surrender to weariness.

Within a week I’d uttered words I’d been too afraid to say before, “I am transgender,”

It would be another year before I came out to the rest of the world, but that night was the tipping point. Something inside me crumbled to dust and was replaced by steel. I had become more afraid of staying in the closet than I was of leaving it, and there was no turning back.

Now, thanks to the awe inspiring people at Trans-Cendence International I’ve come into my own. I love me for me and have found people who feel the same. The terrifyingly dark cave I was in has become a glittering pink palace and I do everything I can to help others find their own light.

Whenever I hear the song now it lifts me up.

When will my reflection show who I am inside?

Today. Tomorrow. Every day.