Painful Reflux Leaving its Mark — Raising2Children
Tags: Attachment, Baby, Support, Reflux, Parenting

We have learnt what reflux really is and the impact it has had on our son as well as us.

It’s 3 am in winter, I jump out of bed, still trying to prise my eyes open, reflux is leaving it’s mark again. I hear for the third time this very night, my 10-month-old baby making noises that could be the sound effects out of The Exorcist. Matt and I jump into action like a well-oiled machine; I get the towels, wet wipes and cleaning spray. Matt picks up Daniel tilting him forward to the place where I’ve laid the towels out. These are last towels that are clean, the rest are still in the washing machine. Luckily this time, we dodged the projectile milk.

All cleared up. Daniel is still crying, he’s uncomfortable, tired and probably shocked with what keeps happening. Matt keeps cuddling our baby whilst I return to bed, desperate for sleep.

From the Beginning

Daniel was born 6lb 12oz and from the beginning struggled to feed. I blamed myself. Was it because I’m 37 years old that my milk didn’t come? Was it because, whilst I was pregnant, I wasn’t keen on the idea of breastfeeding but I knew it would be best for our baby and would try? I felt guilty, my first guilt trip of many as a new mum.

Daniel drank 20ml of milk a go. It was our first baby and he wasn’t feeding well so we stayed in the hospital for 4 days. The midwives kept encouraging me to breastfeed, massaging my boobs and even using a breast pump but nothing came. We were over the moon when Daniel was drinking 120ml, however now looking back to experiencing a second child, it was slow progress.

We had months where it was little and often feeds, with lots of wind and crying. The GP diagnosed Daniel with colic. Not silent reflux. Daniel would rock his lower body forward and back. I went to a baby massage class which we both loved, doing lots of return and serve. The only bit Daniel didn’t like was being put him on his tummy to massage his back. I thought he didn’t like his back massaged, after a diagnosis 6 months later, I realise it was reflux. A great massage technique to help with wind is I Love U. I would sit for hours doing “ I Love U’s “ which would help but as soon I stopped, the crying would erupt.

I Love You

Daniel would fall asleep easily cradled in your arms or pressed against you in a seated position. I was told by grandparents, friends and health visitors that I was spoiling him. I would cuddle my Daniel in the morning, drinking coffee while he slept in my arms looking peaceful, I was in love with my bundle. Not a pattern I would suggest for new parents, even if the baby has reflux as through advice, we learnt some handy hint and tips.

By 6 months, Daniel has horrific eczema on his face, where he would scratch until it was red raw. After a trip to A&E, Daniel was diagnosed with severe reflux and dairy intolerance. He was 9months old. All formula was changed. We regularly saw an NHS specialist paediatrician and dietician. They were amazing as they listened, empathised, problem solved and reassured. I felt safe and hopeful with his guidance. Once we knew the signs of reflux, everything felt clear, even just knowing without anything changing felt a huge relief. Daniel showed these common signs of reflux

spitting up and vomiting

refusal to eat and difficulty eating or swallowing

irritability during feeding

wet burps or hiccups

failure to gain weight

abnormal arching

chest pain or heartburn

disturbed sleep… every single night

Paediatrician Advice for Daniel’s Reflux

If your child has reflux or you suspect it, please check it out with a doctor and you can always run Daniels solutions by your doctor. Through our support network, we came up with solutions that worked for Daniel. It didn’t cure reflux and we struggled to gain quality sleep… I thought I looked dreadful, I hadn’t had a hair cut in a year, my wrinkles around my eyes increased by 67% (a little data, without no evidence!) and I turned into a hermit. As soon as Daniel slept, I went to bed, so I hardly socialised with my friends. Anyway, we had some tricks up our sleeve

Daniel slept better in the car seat being propped up. It would only last 2 hours but it was more than we had previously.

He was on medication for his reflux. Something we had to think about before we agreed to

Daniel drank dairy free formula and when weening, Daniel drunk Alpro Growing Up Soya Milk.

We avoided acidic food which could aggravate reflux

Daniel stayed sat up, 30 minutes after drinking milk before he laid down

We required patience as baby reflux usually goes away between the ages of 2–3yrs as the body strengthens. (which it did and so did his dairy intolerance)

We accepted help from the family so we could sleep

I re-evaluated my expectations on myself and what a family should look like by completing the circle of influence; it’s not all about walks in the park on a lovely summer day

Raising2Children’s Interpretation of Circle of Influence

Within a couple of months, his eczema disappeared completely. Daniel was on the low end of his weight scale so had to be monitored. Once diagnosed, he began to put a bit of weight on slowly which we were so happy to see.

Parenting Decisions that Went Against the Grain

Even after Daniel was diagnosed, we would hear, “just leave him in his cot” — even though he’d feel sick?!? Not for us. We would cuddle and cradle Daniel throughout most nights. I feel the dread even typing this now. As evenings approached, I would hate the feeling of utter despair.

The unselfish act of comforting your baby whilst your entire being is screaming to go to sleep is unbearable. My partner, Matt and I split the night into two shifts, and this went on for over a year. We stood our ground, well almost. Matt and I constantly talk about if we were doing the right thing. We needed to consider everyone’s opinions but when it came down to it, even though it was painfully hard, we couldn’t let our Daniel cry it out or be left to self-soothe.

Theory on Attachment

We were determined to ensure our baby felt comforted by his parents. One strategy we all use to feel secure is to seek comfort. You see this a lot with babies and toddlers. I also think you see it in every human being; when people feel distressed, they seek comfort. That may be in food, drink or contact with someone else.

Now we are talking about a baby who is fed, clean and not tired. Imagine your baby is crying, you pick them up and cuddle them, maybe make soothing noises which your baby starts to slow their crying down until they stop. Comfort is a basic human condition.

If the parent offers comfort when the baby needs it, their brain will note this; “that bigger version of me always offers comfort so we can go to them next time”. As the baby grows to a toddler, it becomes a learnt behaviour, I seek comfort when distressed. The toddler doesn’t try to suppress their distress or shouts it loudly, they just come to you and you both do what you always do, probably have a cuddle.

As the toddler grows to an infant and then a teenager and then adult, they will continue to use their learnt behaviour strategy by seeking comfort rather than suppressing or shouting or using aggression.

Simply put; by learning to identify when comfort is needed and acting upon means secure attachment. Suppressing feelings means an avoidant attachment. By shouting or acting out means an ambivalent attachment.

Reflux Leaving its Mark

A 3-year-old That Panics

This is where I am going to assert my “mothers intuition”, it’s something you cannot prove but it’s a feeling you know has a place of meaning. It’s the unexplained which is wrapped in attunement and a deep connection.

Daniel takes soya milk to bed every night. From 1yrs old, he panics if he cannot hold his milk bottle whilst falling asleep, in fact, he can’t fall asleep unless he has his bottle. The bottle gives him some sort of security. Since he was born, acid reflux would have created a burning sensation inside his windpipe. I imagine the milk would have instantly soothed the burning feeling. Unfortunately, milk contributed to the reflux which complicated the matter. A vicious cycle that could not be explained to a baby or toddler.

Every time Daniel had a tummy ache, felt unwell or visited a hospital, you could see he was unsettled. He would feel on edge and begin to panic. He felt unsafe. Without consciously knowing it, Daniel’s amygdala had created a memory of negative experiences. Those tummy aches ended up chundering, the 5 visits to A&E due to his undiagnosed reflux were frightening. When a memory triggers a response through the brain stem; fight or flight, Daniel requires lots of love, support and comfort to remind him he is safe. NOT to be left alone.

The World is Not a Lonely Place

I don’t want him to think, the world is a lonely place where you must survive on your own. I want him to learn that he is surrounded by a family and community who supports each other. There is a sense of belonging and identity which I believe helps builds secure attachment. Urie Bronfenbrenner would explain it also contributes to healthy child development.

Daniel is clingy, tired and attention needing when he comes home from nursery. He begins to cry. I am unpacking rucksacks, taking off my coat, desperate for a wee, putting the oven on to begin making dinner and Stanley who has just learnt to walk is trying to climb on a very unstable box. What is going on through your mind? Are you listening to your self-talk? What do you think is a priority?

Daniel’s eyes are looking around, he’s doesn’t know what to do. I ask if he wants food or milk. If he goes for the milk option, I know we are in trouble. I hear the word “sausages”, I relax, I cuddle more, I ask if I can make him his dinner… we have a plan.

Moral of the Story

Moral of this story is giving enough comfort will help the person deal with distress rather than bottling it up or becoming too animated. Listen to yourself and trust your instinct by offering that love and comfort. When your inner voice is saying I can’t cope, also listen to that too and try to seek comfort yourself by asking for help. I know all our family circumstances are different and you may not live close to relatives or close friends; you might have to bribe them with chocolate to visit the house to get a couple of hours so you can look after yourself.

I pick Stanley up and put him on the floor We put Yakka Dee on the TV I go to the loo I sit on the kitchen floor and cuddle Daniel — his belly hurts

Jen x (I’m off to hunt for chocolate now that I’ve mentioned it)