The In-between
By: Jd Greyson
Tags: Beyourself, Mental Health, Conflict, Personal Growth, Inner Voice

Somewhere, someone is struggling to stay afloat.

If life is an ocean, somedays I am carried by the waves to peaceful shores.

Other days, I am ravaged and beat — left abandoned in waters too rough to manage. In this endless sea of struggle, I cry out only to be met with silence and the voices in my head. As darkness falls and my will to keep my head above the waves begins to fade, I am reminded there is growth here.

Here in the void, where self-doubt and fear reside, are lessons to be learned.

Photo by Ross Sokolovski on Unsplash

In every conflict, exists the opportunity for growth.

Whether brought on by an event outside of my locus of control or conscious examination, I’ve found myself in the in-between at various stages in my life. Understanding its importance in relation to growth is beneficial in achieving a breakthrough relative to these barriers.

My Past — How The Inner Voice is Shaped

I can run from almost anything, except myself.

“You want me to kill myself?” she’d scream. “Is that what you want — for me to walk out this door and drive myself off a bridge?” Twelve-year-old me flinched as my mom’s anger surged and increased with every object she hurled in my direction. “See what you did? You did this! I hope you are happy now,” she snarled as she grabbed the keys and stormed out the door.

As tears streamed down my face, I watched her screech away not knowing if that would be the time she followed through and didn’t return. Though, I knew I hadn’t done anything to deserve the guilt my mom put on me in that moment, I internalized it nevertheless. Eventually, her threats became so regular that I learned to just imagine myself invisible.

In those moments, I dreamed of running — running so far that no one could ever find me, only I realized that no matter how far I ran, I couldn’t run from her voice inside of my head.

It’s been almost thirty years later and she still haunts me.

My past, as different as it may be, carries over experiences that have molded and shaped me through the years. The remnants of these experiences become my inner voice. While some individuals are equipped with inner voices that relay encouragement and efficacy, others, like myself, find themselves reliving past nightmares deeply rooted in shame and guilt.

In order to understand this further, it’s important to examine how and why this affects me when faced with situations that challenge me to step outside my comfort zone or leave me exposed in some form, whether it be vulnerability, fear of rejection, or lack of validation.

Understanding the How & Why

My childhood was one deeply rooted in abuse.

Just kill yourself, I’d think to myself. It’s the only way to make it all stop.

From the way the metal yardstick curved perfectly to the shape of my body to the way she beat me with a hairbrush and kicked me down the hallway because I couldn’t find my sister’s shoes — I longed to escape.

From not being able to breathe through my nose because my lips were so swollen as a result of being repetitively smacked in the face to remembering the taste of my own blood against my salty lips — Oh how I wished I could make it all stop.

But more than anything, I remembered wishing to endure a thousand more beatings if it meant that I didn’t have to hear her damaging words echoing throughout my head. I could withstand the physical abuse — the emotional, not so much.

Just kill yourself, I’d think to myself. It’s the only way to make it all stop.

As I’ve grown older and distanced myself from that part of my life, my ability to deal with difficult situations effectively has increased. I am able to look back and realize that much of what I endured was a result of my mother’s addiction and mental illnesses and not because of my own defectiveness. However, one constant remains; my inner voice.

While I understand why my inner voice is the way it is, I am still caught off guard by the battle within when I find myself in a situation that forces me outside of my comfort zone or leaves me vulnerable in anyway. Whatever fear that has been triggered activates my inner voice and my mind is flooded with thoughts.

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In that moment, what I wouldn’t give for the ability to climb out of my mind — to find some reprieve from the incessant barrage of thoughts.

Any rational or logical part of me that exists becomes inaccessible. My sole focus becomes fixated on trying to make my inner voice stop. In my mind, I have been swept out to sea, and my thoughts are plunging waves with one purpose — to break me.

Even as I write this now, I see the parallel that exists between my inner voice and my childhood.

My mom’s sole purpose was to beat me down until I broke.

The Truth

This moment — between existence and breakthrough is the in-between. This is where the battle of the mind is fought. Understanding its significance in relation to growth is pivotal with regards to the propulsion of one’s self from a state of stagnation towards dynamic development.

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Growth is achieved when fears are faced.

I’ve learned to let that sink in. When I allow myself to face the hard stuff, I grow. Not only that, I come out stronger.

For me, though, cognition of the inner hell created in the in-between is enough to cause avoidance. Thus, I found myself applying unhealthy coping mechanisms in an effort of circumventing the in-between.

I used to think I could override my thoughts with achievements. Be the best, I’d think to myself. Yet, no matter what award I won, accolade I received, or position I obtained, I could never escape the darkness within. My mom’s voice, which was now my own, was always there reminding me of everything I hadn’t achieved. Nothing was ever good enough. I was never good enough. After all my accomplishments, emptiness always remained.

I wanted to escape her, but no matter what I did, I could always hear her in the back of my mind. You did this.

Here is the truth: No matter how much I try to avoid, repress, mask, or self-medicate, the voices inside my head are still there reminding me of all my failures, short-comings, and missed opportunities. They are unrelenting in their pursuit of stealing my dreams and robbing me of any hope that might exist.

The truth is: there is no escaping.

I can busy myself with meaningless conversations and overstimulate my mind with deadlines and details. I can numb the uncertainty and unknown, paralyze the pressure and pain, but I can never silence the voices when they begin to whisper. No amount of alcohol, drugs, or any other coping mechanism can silence the voices. They are a part of me.

There is power in knowing this truth.

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I have learned to see the whispers for what they really are — an amalgamation of past fears, assumptions, and experiences. They hold no real power over me in the physical sense. While they feel like the most powerful force in the world, they are nothing more than transmitted signals in my head. While I cannot escape them, I can recognize them for what they truly are and understand why they affect me.

It is in this moment — the moment of consciously pushing past my fears, where I grow and the breakthrough begins.

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On the other side of the in-between is breakthrough. When I allow myself to no longer be held by the waves of fear, I am able to break free and emerge changed.

I am Not Alone

In some cases, the internal battle of the mind can prove to be too much. In the past, situational factors, mental illness, or medical conditions have played a role in my ability to cope. I know that I have reached my breaking point when I am unable to breathe truth into the situation. An example of this would be not being able to recognize that my inner voice has no real power over me.

When I find myself in this predicament, I remind myself that I am not alone. While the battle of the mind may feel like solitary confinement, I know that many have stood in my shoes and understand the torment, isolation, and terror.

In the darkness, I look for the stars.

While others can’t face the battle inside my head for me, they can be there to reassure me and guide me when the path becomes too dark to see. They can help navigate when my internal compass has become misaligned. Like the stars in the sky, they have a broader view of what lies before me.

I let their light shine clarity into the darkness.

In this in-between, I’ve learned to never be too ashamed to ask for help. It’s okay to not be okay. In these moments, I’ve learned to trust those who have been where I am and know the struggle all too well. I recognize they know and understand the debilitation and shame, but they also know what lies around the bend.

There is beauty on the other side.

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In the in-between, I hold tight to these truths and push past it all to the freedom that awaits me.

Putting it all together

When I am struggling in the mental ocean of self-doubt, being hit by waves of insecurity and fear, breakthrough is the lifeboat located several feet from me. Yet, I am unable to see it because my eyes are focused on the waves in front of me.

First, I must acknowledge the waves for what they are: just waves — nothing more, nothing less. They are not anchoring me in place. However, if I don’t resist them, then I will be moved by their momentum and pushed backwards. The same holds true for my inner voice. It has no physical hold on me except for the mental restraint I allow it to have.

At any time, I can make the choice to push against the waves or break through them to reach the other side. This act of propelling myself forward is what helps me reach the other side of the wave or surface when I’m starting to go under. Now when this happens, I try to imagine that wave when the mental onslaught begins. I focus on what it is and what it isn’t and then make the conscious decision to push past it.

Once I’ve reached the other side of the wave, I see the lifeboat that awaits me — the S.S. Breakthrough.

The freedom I feel knowing I’ve conquered that dark moment is unlike anything I have ever felt before. I breathe it in. I bask in its brilliance. And I’m proud. I’m now ready to navigate new waters of opportunity that await me on the other side of the in-between.