A Lone Masked Man Cannot Save Thanksgiving, or Shop in the Grocery
By: Dan K Jackson
Tags: Democratic Party, Jesus, Humor, Coronavirus, Tennessee

I’m thankful I don’t work in a store where people wear no masks. First of all, I wouldn’t be there very long, as altercations with the ignorant would be through the roof!

You don’t wear it like that, dude.

Just last night I visited the safest grocery store in town (I thought). I won’t name it, but I will say it has been a haven the last several months. You walk in. You get your cart. There’s sanitizer there to wipe it down.

But the best part is, every time I’ve visited, not only were the staff wearing a mask, but so were the customers! Ah, my brethren! People who care about other people! We can shop in safety!

It’s been good.

And then the Thanksgiving rush rolls in.

Family of 5, the teenager has a mask on. Two younger kids, well of course not. But surely mom and dad will?

Um no. Probably religious freaks. They had that fervent look about them. You know the same look Mike Pence has on his face all the time. That smirk that says, “I know something you don’t.”

I had a look on my face too. It was the look of “I want to take this frozen turkey and bash you over the head with it.”

I refrained.

“What would Jesus do, or what would Donald do? It’s all the same to me.”

Nothing like religious fanatics though. I’m not sure what they believe in. I do however know what they don’t believe in!

They don’t believe in wearing masks, so they don’t believe in science, or sacrifice of self, or suffering, so that others may live.

Sound familiar?

Yeah, that’s the good stuff that Jesus did, that you never hear the religious hacks talking about. And so as a result, they don’t believe in helping the sick, helping the poor, helping minorities, or fundamentally helping those who are alive and in need.

Jesus hung out with the tax man, but not these religious freaks. No, they don’t believe in paying taxes, so they don’t believe in roads, or public works or police (wh-wh-wh-what?) for that matter. And don’t get them started about a Mexican getting some free health care.

Then there was the woman in camo tights. Don’t get excited folks. They were not flattering. Camo tights and no mask. Makes sense, doesn’t it?

Why was she wearing camo? Hunting maybe?

Well her hair looked like it. Looked like she’d been camped out up in a tree for days. Looked like something was still camped out up in that doo.

I love it when the kids wear masks, and the mom doesn’t. Just lovely isn’t it?

“Here child, you should suffer the slings and arrows of this earth, whilst I, your mother shops for Bud Light.”

And then of course you always have the stereotypical big dumb redneck. This guy always makes an appearance at a non-mask wearing event!

It’s sad because I know everyone who looks like the stereotypical big dumb redneck is not actually a big dumb redneck. I know many of you good ol boys wear the masks. I know you think others should too. But do you see what’s going on?

That’s right, these big hayseeds are making you look bad! You got to tell your brothers in whiteness and plow boots to get with the program! Put on a mask! Help keep their mamaw-cousin alive a bit longer!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you survive your willingly ignorant family, friends, and neighbors. You may even want to thank them if yours chose to sacrifice this year. While you’re at it, thank God, because quite possibly, you’ve been blessed.