If You Give A Mom A Minute
By: Stephen H Stein
Tags: Life, Mothers, Humor, Satire, Parenting

If you give a mom a minute, she’ll have a glass of wine and read that magazine from three months ago with Jennifer Aniston on the cover.

Ha ha! No!

Because if you give your mom a minute she’s going to grab the vacuum. When she does, she’ll go down to the basement. She’ll make a series of repeating lines in the carpet at a jaunty angle. When she’s done, she’ll admire her work and then walk slowly backward up the stairs so she can vacuum each one.

When she sees you coming down the stairs, she’ll say, “No, sweetie. Back it up. Not till everyone gets here. Go outside or play in your room.”

As she gets to the landing she’ll notice a smudge on the wall. This will make her sad. So she’ll stop vacuuming and get the Magic Erase sponge. The sponge will be all scrunched up and look like it should have been thrown away months ago. But she knows she’ll be able to make it work. She starts to go over the smudge with tiny dabs and then in tiny circles until she can make larger circles and create a blend effect.

But it only takes a second to remember that the paint on this wall is matte. The smudge is getting worse with each go round.

Your dad will casually pass her on the stairs and say, “Maybe use some soap and water,” which makes your mom counter with, “JUST GO!”

Your dad will hustle up the steps and hide, which makes your mom think of the contractor who really should have known better about the paint because who uses matte paint if you have kids?

Eggshell, she’ll think. Everyone knows it’s eggshell.

Of course, this makes her think of making cookies. Cookies make her think of the way they smell when they’re baking, which reminds her of how realtors will often set out a plate of fresh baked cookies to give the house a ‘warm and loving home’ vibe...

But honestly, can’t they get that smell in a candle? Or do people really want the cookie? Do people actually eat realtor cookies? Are realtors good bakers? Is that a thing? But how can anyone have a ‘warm and loving home’ vibe with that goddamn smudge?

She tries dabbing it as gently as she can with the cleanest part of what’s left of the sponge. It’s kinda helping. Maybe.

Once she convinces herself that it’s not any worse than when she first saw it, she finishes vacuuming the stairs. She brings the vacuum to the laundry room so she can charge it. In the laundry room she sees your dirty clothes on the floor. This makes her think of you. She calls out your name.

“Yes,” you say standing in the doorway.

“How many times have I asked you to inside-out your clothes? And to separate your underwear from your pants? Mommy can’t do it all, sweetie. You need to help, ok?”

“Ok,” you say. “Sorry.”

She pulls you in and kisses your head. Your hair smells like strawberries. It makes her think of your dad.

She yells up at the ceiling, “DID YOU MAKE THE FRUIT SALAD!?”

“NO,” shouts your dad. “I THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING IT!”

“WHAT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! YOU ALWAYS MAKE THE FRUIT SALAD!”

“I’M KIDDING! IT’S DONE!”

Your mom shakes her head and rolls her eyes. Then she mumbles something under her breath.

“WHERE ARE YOU?!” she screams at the ceiling. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

“UNCLOGGING THE TOILET!”

“WHY? WHAT HAPPENED?!”

“OUR 6-YEAR OLD SON POOPS LIKE A LINEBACKER!”

Your mom smiles and laughs.

“Let’s go downstairs,” she says shutting the door to the laundry room. “Can you help me set the table? It will go faster.”

You nod and follow your mom downstairs. She gets out different stacks of plates and sets them on the counter. She watches as you take the last ones into the dining room.

“I can get the napkins,” you say. “You can take a minute to rest.”

“Thank you, sweetie,” she says sitting on the sofa. “I think Mommy will… take… a…”

But if you give a mom a minute, and the right angle, she will notice the rug under the dining table. It’s a nice rug and it helps define the space. But if she notices the rug then she’s most likely noticed all the crumbs. And if she’s noticed all the crumbs she will NOT take a minute. She will fly upstairs in a fast second and grab the vacuum even though it’s only barely had time to charge because “OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO VACUUM UNDER THE TABLE! THEY’RE GOING TO BE HERE ANY SECOND!”

If the charge holds — which it will — and she feverishly vacuums under the table and gets all the crumbs, chances are she’ll have a minute to just chill. And have a Mike’s Hard Lemonade, which she prefers over wine. And maybe, just maybe, she’ll flip through that magazine from three months ago with Jennifer Aniston on the cover before anyone actually arrives… if she actually has a minute.