No, You don’t want An Obsessed Lover.
By: Veronica Williams
Tags: Domestic Violence, Bad Jokes, Relationships, Opinion, Domestic Abuse

The Internet is full of jokes that seem to border between truth and so-called “nuanced” humor. How many times have we’ve seen the “it’s just jokes” line when things go sour? Or some smart-ass person saying we all missed the punchline and need to calm down? Droll. Sometimes the “jokes” are a low-tier attempt at humor for attention. Sometimes, the jokes are just…bad.

A while back, I was on Twitter when I saw the following tweet:

Scribbled for their protection.

And…ok, alright I can see some humor in it. I haven’t become that old where dark humor or situational humor just don’t hit it for me. I might have a 60-something woman in my soul, but the 35-year-old screwball is still laughing at old Beavis and Butt-Head jokes about man-eaters and crappy dancers. Believe me, a good chunk of my day is devoted to mirth and nonsense. I'm not some “triggered” SJW on a maudlin mission to attack this guy, because he can feel and say what he wants. However…

Obsession ain’t it, babe.

Obsession fragrance? Awesome. Obsession by Animotion? A classic song, lyrics sort of…eh. Obsession of the relationship type? Not so much. All jokes aside, I’ve had the displeasure of hearing lots of “my ex was a psycho/crazy/nuts/obsessed” stories from men about the former women in their lives. Although a lot of them tend to omit why some of these women snapped, the stories of stalking on and offline, the property damage, family drama, expenses, physical anguish, kid drama, and mental anguish made it super clear — obsession isn’t sexy or cool. In fact, it makes life very hard. Why would anyone want that?

Devotion, on the other hand, is fine. Adoration, Admiration — cool. An obsession is deep. It’s an unhinged fixation that could be marginally uncomfortable or flat out dangerous. It’s one of those things where the phrase “f*ck around and find out” isn’t to be tested. It’s one thing to want somebody who loves you for who you are, going out of their way to do things for you. It’s special when your lover knows your taste and how you like nice things. It’s touching when they surprise you with flowers or your favorite fruit. The idea of being able to do something nice or contribute to the give/take dynamic with love is amazing. All of that can be very healthy. It’s another thing when they’re so into you that they’re ready to ruin lives, fight, and possibly kill others because they're possessive and jealous over you. Who steps up to the relationship plate looking for that kind of drama? It’s sexy until the cops are at your door, or the court dates pop up. It’s racy and dangerous until you’ve got to fix things they’ve torn apart. (Or when you have to hide the sharp kitchenware…)

The cutesy jokes about obsession are usually blatantly obvious. We laugh and brush them off, having enough common sense to know when folks are playing. I don't give those a second thought. Maybe the person tweeting was joking too. Nowadays, it’s a little hard to tell when people are doing so via text. I don't want to read too deeply into a tweet but the energy is absolutely weird. Even as a joke, the stories I’ve read and heard about obsessive lovers overshadow any kind of so-called mirth behind social media posts.

When I think of an obsessive woman, I’m picturing the kind of person who slowly slides from devotion to a dark place that quickly puts the life of her lover in danger. She is unpredictable, and not like a Jamie Foxx song. She doesn’t like her mate having female friends, so she finds a way to alienate every single one. Any friend of her mate could be a target, for that matter. This person now belongs to her and everyone else is the enemy if she considers them a threat. Imagine how quickly that could escalate. “Possessive” is an understatement, and devotion becomes a little too deep. She finds a way into her lover’s phone and smart devices to monitor steps and social behaviors. She studies their schedule not to anticipate her partner’s needs, but to calculate where he is and should be. If he isn’t, there’s a problem. This woman has little to no life, consumed by her lover. He comes first in all things…far beyond that of a caring partner. When/if it becomes too much, the other person has to find a way to get away from her. This is the particular hell I’ve been seeing play out in court, in lengthy posts, in pictures of destroyed property, and mental+physical battle scars that make men, women, and anyone feel unsafe for long after the fact. It’s the kind of extreme behavior that could make future relationships very hard for the other person.

Obsession is unhealthy.

It simmers in weird and uncomfortable energy on a lot of levels. You have to cleanse yourself after the fact. You need to unpack and re-evaluate so much. Maybe this is too “SJW” for the room, but you’re asking for trauma. Trauma. Trau-ma. You are no longer free because somebody is watching you closely. What is “me time”? Perhaps it’s not as deep as the dark picture I painted above, but the way some men dawg (not dog) out women after breakups, talking about them like they’re everything but a child of God (or a Bodhisattva of the Earth, holla if ya spreadin’ kosen-rufu!!) makes me think that no man would want to add onto that with a horrifying tale of a woman so into them that they got about 3 hours of sleep a night. It just seems like a bit much.

If you want a devoted lover to treat you like an equal, say so. If you want somebody who will treat you like a king and care for you deeply, speak up. I don’t think that anyone wants a person breathing down their neck or worshipping them to the point of…well….obsession! Unless we are in the realm of certain kinks where all parties have consulted, to be obsessed with another human being on any(detrimental) level bad thing. The mix-up of wanting love, affection, and respect seem to be the bigger issues.

(Note: I mean submissive-based relationships where one partner may not necessarily be obsessed, but rather worships and caters to the dom. This very well could be an obsession, but these relationships do not harm others outside of the union.)

Maybe you’ve been hurt before, and want somebody who will be loyal. Perhaps, like me, you’ve been lectured to about the things you like or “who you are behind closed doors” (cringe…). I’ve been in that space of people not really liking me for who I am, and it doesn’t feel good. Those are the things you can ask for instead — somebody who likes the flaws and the very best of you. Someone who understands the quirks and doesn’t try to change you to fit what and whom they think you should be. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s okay to ask for and push to manifest the kind of person who meets your needs. I don’t think that requires any levels of obsession. Love shouldn’t hurt. Love should not make you paranoid nor afraid. A good relationship is a rarity these days, and healthy ones take work. The phrase is worn out to death, but nobody is perfect. Why do you need an obsessed person?

Have a partner who loves and supports you. One who desires you. Somebody who is loyal and down to earth. I hope you find somebody who compliments the human being you already are. Peace, not chaos. Comfort, not scarred for life.