How to heal from a heartbreak
By: Jessica Phan
Tags: Life Lessons, Relationships, Self, Heartbreak, Love

How to heal from a heartbreak

Understanding the factors to help you move on with your life

Photo by Wadi Lissa on Unsplash

Heartbreak hurts.

Research shows the emotional pain that comes from heartbreak activates similar parts of the brain associated with physical pain. Hence the ‘stabbing’ and ‘heart-wrenching’ sensations, may have a slight truth to it after all.

We wish this pain can go away, but only we have the power to move past this unbearable period.

There are three distinct ‘crises’ which brings the agony to heartbreak; identity, vulnerability, and loneliness. By understanding each factor, it will help pick up the broken pieces of our hearts, and allow us to move on.

Identity Crisis

Heartbreak leaves us with feelings of loss, and we experience a lack of motivation. We’re left with a gigantic hole in our hearts, and we feel empty and confused. We question who we are without this person.

The identity crisis arises as we associate ourselves with another, to the point that they’ve become part of who we are. Because of how we define ourselves as their partner and establish our roles in their lives, when they leave us, it feels as though a large part of our own identity is ripped away too.

This causes a spiral into the mindset of having “no purpose”, or that there is “no point’ in doing something.

We don’t want to leave the house anymore, because part of the fun was going out with X. We don’t want to work out, because we wanted to look good for X. We don’t want to socialize and meet new people, because they are not X.

We were supposed to make them happy. We were supposed to comfort and support them. We were supposed to love them.

Healing from the Identity Crisis

A study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (2015) states that there are two mindsets people adopt in relation to their identity; the first pertains to the ‘Entity Theory’, where individuals view their qualities as fixed; and the second is the belief that we have fluid and malleable personalities.

The stability of a relationship moulds our idea of who we are, into a fixed entity- that is, we recognize ourselves as X’s partner. To move on from heartbreak, however, we must adopt the second type of mindset, which detaches our identity from our exes.

We must acknowledge that they no longer have a role in our lives, and we don’t have a role in theirs. And that’s okay.

Understand that we are more than somebody’s partner. Think about everything in our lives that matters to us. What are our dreams and our passions? Who are we to our families? How do we contribute to the world around us?

When we realize the inspiration from our work, the impact we have on others, and the gift of our presence, we start to get up and live for ourselves. It becomes clear to us, the many purposes in life that do not involve being in a romantic relationship.

Building our identities independent of another person is the backbone to how we deal with heartbreak. When someone leaves us, we are resilient, because we know that our value is not determined by the role we’ve assigned to someone else’s lives.

There is more to life than just loving one person. The world is abundant with so many people and opportunities, it’s truly magical how many different avenues we can take for ourselves.

“You are, at this moment, standing right in the middle of your own ‘acres of diamonds.” -Earl Nightingale

Loneliness Crisis

Communication is so easy in this digital era; seldom are we not interacting with anyone through texting and social media. However, that doesn’t mean we are not lonely.

A nationwide study of 20,000 people by Cigna, found that 40% of respondents feel as though they’re “isolated” from others, and they lack deep, meaningful connections.

When we fall in love and date, there is an intensified sense of realism. In this world full of noise, we are able to connect with someone on a deeper level, past the ‘likes’ or half-hearted ‘pokes’. We don’t feel lonely.

So when we pull the reins on a relationship, we’re thrown back into the drowning noise. Despite people all around us, we are lonely again.

Healing from the Loneliness Crisis

Many of us- myself included- want to be alone in times of emotional distress, which is natural. We just need to understand that humans are social animals; part of the loneliness crisis stems from an evolutionary perspective that by having connections, humans literally ‘look out’ for each other. This increases our chances of survival.

This is an extension of the identity-crisis; our partner was the other person that we’ve attributed to ‘look out’ for us; a protector.

This does not mean we must seek out another partner immediately. I strongly advise against that until we are truly ready.

Instead, realize we’re not lonely. We have family and friends. We already have relationships that we can focus on strengthening. Pour the love that remains within to build a strong support group.

A meta-analysis consisting of more than 300,000 people at Brigham Young University, concluded that those with strong social circles had a 50% lower risk of early death than those who did not. These individuals are more resilient to setbacks and are able to adjust to changes. Building a network gives us social support and helps in adjusting to heartbreak.

Most importantly, we must realize that we have ourselves. We need to interact with others, but the most important interaction we’ll ever have is with the self. From the moment we enter this world to the moment we leave, the only person that will stay for the entire journey is ourselves. No one else has that privilege.

So, we must be comfortable with who we are. We must first learn to love ourselves and enjoy our own company (being alone and feeling lonely are two totally different concepts).

If you go deeper and deeper into your own heart, you’ll be living in a world with less fear, isolation and loneliness. - Sharon Salzberg

Vulnerability Crisis

When we enter a relationship, we become vulnerable. We reveal our true selves and feelings to another person. We bare our souls to them, trusting that they will love our deepest scars.

That is the courageously beautiful nature of love, yet something that betrays us when we’re left heartbroken.

When they leave us, we are hurt by the breach of trust. We are reluctant to open up to another person, fearing that they will strip us bare, just to run away with our hearts again. We are angry at ourselves for being vulnerable in love.

Healing from the Vulnerability Crisis

Even when we have moved away from identifying ourselves with our ex-partner, we would still be feeling many mixed, negative emotions: hurt; anger; sadness. We must now consciously decide that they also have no emotional power over us.

That is, we must forgive.

Forgiveness is the only true way in which we can move on. Without it, we are stuck in this state of anger and hurt. Realize that forgiving is not for the other person; it’s for ourselves. We are telling our souls that we have acknowledged the hurt that it’s feeling, but we are deciding to set it free.

“Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong” - Mahatma Gandhi

We are lifting the burden off our shoulders, and in turn, we feel fresh and renewed. We start to see the world again in its vibrant colours, and we open ourselves to new possibilities.

I understand that forgiveness is more difficult said than done. If we cannot find ourselves being able to do so, there is an effective exercise highlighted in Olivia Fox Cabane’s ‘The Charisma Myth’. She teaches us to let all the anger out by writing a letter to the other person (cursing encouraged). We don’t send it, but we then write another addressed to ourselves, pretending to be that person responding to our original letter.

Write about how sorry they are for hurting you, and all the things you wish they would say that will alleviate resentment. However, be careful of what you do write. Refrain from phrases such as “I still love you”, which won’t allow you to move past the relationship or heartbreak. My example would be “I wanted to set you free”.

Read this letter frequently, until that anger within dies out. You will give yourself the well-deserved closure that will allow you to move on.