i often wonder why so many people in my life screw me over or constantly have a problem with me…
By: Gracie Holtham
Tags: Teenagers, Social

i often wonder why so many people in my life screw me over or constantly have a problem with me whether it’s big or small, there’s always something. for the past year and a bit, i’ve been bullied, manipulated, depressed, anxious and tired of everything that happens to me or because of me. i always have to be the cause of something even if i really wasn’t. i wish i had an answer to why my extremely close friends decided one afternoon after a great weekend away with my family and i that they ignore me for a week and then get my entire high school year against me, spreading rumours and saying mean things about me, but i don’t. i wish i did but all i got from them was confirming they’re just sticking their nose in my business. after countless days of agony i finally went to counselling and after a good six months of that and anti depressants, i felt okay enough to be at school. by this time i had a small group of friends that i felt i belonged with. i’m very grateful for those boys letting me in and becoming my brothers but after a while it got quite a bit for them. i was always around them that they got sick of me to which they snapped and needed space, obviously i gave that but for a few guys it’s not been the same since. a few of my other friends including my best boy friend lied to me about being around his family to hang out with that group of friends. obviously i’m not annoyed i wasn’t invited but because he lied to me. now i’d been nothing but good to my best boy friend and since then he’s taken me for granted. like me picking him up from work at 10–11pm. i don’t mind it because hes my friend and i like driving, but after i’ve picked him up, we’re driving home and he starts to talk about how he has a new interest in a girl who obviously gets quite jealous of me for being around him so much and starts to say things like how odd it is i’m always at his house and staying the night and being so close with his family that it’s weird. he’d never brought this up to me before or even thought about it in that light. i didn’t want to argue so i let it go and stayed at his house like we’d planned and got drunk for the fun of it. since then hes just treated me like more shit and once i asked to hang out with him and his friends (who were also my friends), he got really defensive saying things like the girl he fancies wouldn’t be happy with it and it would be awkward, to which i asked if he doesn’t want us two to be around each other. which i think is a bit controlling of him considering we’re all friends. but i let it go. although he really didn’t and started saying things like “i’d rather bury myself than have you two hang out together when i’m there.” and “if i had to choose between the two of you i’d choose her because she’s actually interested in me.” i’m really hurt by that. i obviously don’t want him to think i’m controlling him but not being able to hang out with your friends or be invited because of one jealous girl? really hurts. he and i had been friends for almost 3 years and he’d dropped me like that. now they’re dating and i don’t know what’s going to happen between him and i. i miss him a lot. he was the closest friend i’d had in a long time and i’d been nothing but good to him, yet he still dropped me for some chick he started hooking up with on the night of my birthday, at my house, at my birthday party. if i knew that would be the start of the end of our friendship i would’ve been more careful.

now it’s the 21st of december 2020, i have a very small group of friends, some of my friends are still making problems with me and i’m incredibly lonely and i don’t know what to do. i want next year to hurry, i’m not doing high school anymore and i’m excited for my next step in education which is full time TAFE. but i’m still lonely, depressed and anxious with very little friends.

i wish i had an answer as to why this all has happened but i don’t. it’s life and it does stupid shit to you. but as a teenager your social life will most likely be your whole world and without good people in it, you feel small and like you’re not worth it. i’ll just have to see what happens.

as much as i love to see the positives from all of this, when you’re as beaten down as i, it’s much easier to let yourself be the victim for now.

this is unedited rambling. don’t take notice