Getting Personal Online
Tags: Dating Tips, Faith and Life, Dating App, Online Dating, Technology

Getting Personal Online

Dating apps can be a love-hate relationship. Here’s how to tip that balance. FaithTech Follow Feb 9 · 10 min read

Photo by Pratik Gupta

Friends, let’s be honest. COVID has really thrown a wrench in our ‘mingling’ plans. I can count on one hand the number of people I have talked to in person in a week. I see the UPS delivery guy more than I see my friends, and unless I want to marry him, I need a better strategy.

If you’re like me and half of the population under 30, you’ve already tried online dating apps. And that was before the pandemic! Wherever you’re at, dating apps are here to stay. So how can Christians still honor God, each other, and ourselves in the process?

Opening an app for the first time, I am immediately confronted with creating my dating profile. For the uninitiated, that means choosing a few flattering photos and writing winsomely about myself. As I start building it, I begin to wonder, which pictures are most flattering but won’t attract creeps? I want to answer the profile prompts in a way that makes me look interesting and fun, but how can I do it in a way that is still authentic to who I am, all in 200 characters or less? These questions can take on darker shades of doubt and insecurity too. Is who I actually am really enough to interest someone? I love history, and I want someone who will love me for that. Dating apps were supposed to be exciting right? But here we are each wrestling with our own hearts.

After my brief identity crisis, the app then shifts my attention outward to start imagining my perfect someone. I have probably given this the most thought throughout my life, but the apps don’t let me simply recreate Matthew McConaughey’s character in “The Wedding Planner.” So, I select my deal breakers from the drop-down menu — virtues like working out and vices such as drinking and smoking. Some apps even ask me to specify height and body type. All along I wonder, am I being too picky? Not picky enough? Does it matter if there are plenty of fish to choose from? Then I realize that my profile is being viewed through these same filters too! Time to revise my profile some more.

And this is all before I even get to my first match!

When I finally do, he isn’t so bad. Don’t get me wrong: he’s no Matthew, but I can work with him. But as my finger hovers, ready to swipe, I wonder, will the next match be better? Should I swipe left (ignore) or swipe right (like) just in case the next one isn’t as good? I swipe onto the next, then the next, and the next. Half an hour later, it’s starting to feel like window shopping. My mind is a slurry of faces and forgotten comments. I close the app feeling both hopeful for that one dreamy prospect and drained from swiping through so many blurry profile pictures and ‘less’ exciting matches.

Photo by Meghan Schiereck

But as I put my phone down, my mind is still racing with questions. Am I showing them the real me in my profile? And how do I manage the plenty of fish? And as a Christian, how do I live faithfully in the context of having so much choice and potential for rejection?

The more I have thought about these questions and my online interactions, the more I have become convinced that I first have to understand my relationship with the dating app itself before I can authentically interact with anyone I meet online.

Your Profile Is Your Dating Resume

When I was a manager hiring a new team member, I saw a lot of bad resumes. If I saw spelling errors, poor formatting, or awkward oversharing in the cover letter, I didn’t look at it twice. If they walked into an interview looking unkempt and unprofessional, I would also say no.

Today, with your online dating profile it’s no different. Make it a top priority, and give it some real thought.

Profiles are how others will see who you are. It’s your first impression. How can you show people the real you? I’ve come across profiles that say ‘will fill out later’ or ‘it’s not about me.’ That’s an easy swipe left. This is your profile. It is about you! It really, really is! If you don’t have time to fill out a profile, it’s easy to assume you don’t have time for a relationship either. Thank you, next. I wouldn’t hire someone without a resume, so why would someone want to swipe right on your profile if they can’t see anything about you?

It’s easy to see the values of my dating app when I fill out my profile. Most ask for a few pictures, my age, height, and city. Some apps ask for relationship history, if I want kids, my denomination or faith statement. All of these are important, but do they define who I am, really? It is important to recognize how the app has defined my identity and what aspects it has left out. What details does it keep front and center, and how can I work within their structure to still represent who I am?

Photo by Glen Anthony

I like to consider my values and look for a way to highlight them in my profile. What interests me? What do I enjoy? What do I find funny? What is an interesting or quirky detail about myself? What are the most important things about me that illustrate who I am? Then I need to decide which of these I can show on a profile and are better presented in person.

You can also use your profile to screen people out. I mention the importance of my faith and women in ministry because those are deal breakers for me. The goal is to find someone I can be myself with, not hide who I am. In a shared environment like church, many of these cultural preferences are implied and understood. Not so online. If there are deal breakers for you, find a way to include them in your profile.

Another huge question that is coming up earlier and more frequently, even for Christians, is sex. When I had started texting with one guy on a Christian app, his fourth question was about my sex drive. It was our first (and only) conversation. It is important to think about what your values are on this topic, how important it is to share and when to communicate about it. Should your stance be stated up front on your profile, as a first impression? Or should it be a discussion during a dating conversation?

I’ll be honest, writing a profile is not a particularly enjoyable experience. No one really likes the pressure of describing themselves, but this is why you need people in your life. Ask for help. I’ve written my profile and then handed it to a trusted friend to wordsmith and tweak. Her eyes help make sure I’m covering what is important to me and emphasise the strengths she sees.

Choose pictures that have you looking at the camera with a clear view of your face, and some that show your personality or something people could comment on. I came across a profile picture that was just from the shoulders to the knees — the poor guy hadn’t double checked that the auto-crop included his face. Often I can’t actually see a guy’s face because the photo quality is blurry, they have COVID masks or sunglasses on, or it is from their chin up. Ask a trusted friend to help you take a good photo!

Filters Are Your Friend

In February 2020, Pew Research Center released a study stating 50% of people under 30 have used a dating site or app. In other words, millions of people are using dating apps every day. With the broad acceptance of dating apps today, the number of single, available people who fit all my crazy-specific criteria is still incredibly high! Having lots of options is good, right? Not necessarily.

Too much choice can be crippling. Researchers have found that having too many options can overwhelm us and make us unhappy no matter what choice we make. “We always think we want choice,” writes Barry Schwartz, “but when we actually get it, we may not like it.” Schwartz calls this “the Paradox of Choice” in his book by the same name. He recommends that users subscribe to an app with a filter or matching algorithm (like eHarmony, Match, and others) to provide a limited selection and curb decision fatigue. At the very least, he recommends creating a personal list that you use as a mental filter.

A list can help reduce the stress of having so many choices. But I’m not talking about the ‘tall/dark-haired/blue-eyed/guitar-playing’ kind of list.

Photo by Štefan Štefančík

Instead, go back to your values. What can you screen for using the app’s filters? If you have preference on location, age range, alcohol/drug use, faith, and if they have children already — mark it in the app.

But you need more than those filters can do. Create a mental list of what you are looking for in how someone filled out their profile, what pictures they posted, or how they interact with you. My faith is important to me, so I am also looking to see them mention it or comment on mine. It helps others see that it is a value, not just a category on a drop-down menu.

As my friend Joanna la Fleur says:

“If you are only compatible with 3% of the population, going online just provides a larger geography to work through. You are still only compatible with 3%, and will likely have to say a lot of ‘no thank yous’.” — TRUE Singleness

Just like we wouldn’t assume we are compatible with every single person who walks by, we need to guard our expectations and our decisions online. Not every person who makes it through these filters is someone you’ll want to date, but it helps limit choice to prevent you getting overwhelmed and keep you from compromising on your values while ‘window shopping’. The goal is to narrow the options, not eliminate them. Review your filters with your community too. They can help you see if you’re being too picky or too open.

Who are you becoming on the app?

When I saw my UPS delivery-man again recently, I asked myself whether I would swipe left or right on him. That’s when I knew my dating apps had gotten to me!

If you notice the pattern of your thoughts and feelings over time is negative, take a break! Your worth is not based on the number of men or women who have shown interest in you. You are already loved, already chosen by a Creator who loves you for who you are, not based on your best profile picture.

Check in with yourself. How do you feel when someone doesn’t respond to your likes or comments? Are you angry? Anxious? Shrug your shoulders and move on? Are you indignant when someone you are not attracted to reaches out? Do you feel a jolt of pleasure or a shock of disappointment when the number of likes and comments isn’t what you wanted? Are you swiping from a place of peace or anxiety?

Photo by Kelli McClintock

Your identity must always be grounded in who God says you are. Not in the number of likes, smiles or messages in your inbox. We are responsible for monitoring our behaviour — Do you find yourself putting your hope in God or in the next swipe?

I have turned off all notifications and given myself time off because sometimes it just gets to you. This process is not meant to be horrible. It is tiring, but it’s a marathon, not a sprint, and if you aren’t healthy, it is unlikely you will find a healthy relationship.

Whether you swipe left or right on your next match, dating apps won’t deliver you the perfect person or the dream relationship. What they do deliver are new opportunities to know yourself more deeply and reflect who God is creating you to be. While the algorithms do their work, every swipe will require discernment from you, and maybe even prayer. Discernment for finding one great match among a sea of many potential matches, and prayer that when a match falls into the 97% incompatible category we don’t become discouraged with the process. Don’t forget that a profile is just one person’s attempt to describe themselves within the values outlined by the app.

All in all, have fun! Meet interesting people and be curious about their lives and who they are on the other side of the screen.

Happy Swiping!