I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now
By: Alice Goldbloom
Tags: Health, It Happened To Me, Self Compassion, Life, Mental Health

I Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now

How I got my compassion to include myself

Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash

All my friends say I am a kind person. I call when you are sick. I bring food over when you can’t cook. I give to those on the street who ask for spare change. Everyone knows I bend over backwards to help my kids. I am just not very kind to myself. In fact, I am darn hard on myself.

Looking back on my life, if I knew then what I know now, I would have cut myself some slack. Let me tell you the story of four words that changed my life. And no, the four words were not, “will you marry me?”

It began at the end of an aerobics class when we were gathering up our belongings. I overheard someone say, “I am more self-compassionate.” A bright, beam-like light turned on in my brain—just four words.

I had never considered self-compassion — there was no connection in my mind between the words “self” and “compassion.” It sounded so new-age-granola-woo woo or something. At best, it felt self-indulgent like a day at the spa, something I never had time for.

I had a million things to get done, — who the f*ck could think about self-compassion?

But it sounded soothing. Who knows why those words resonated with me so I made a mental note, filing it away for future reference.

We all struggle

For most, life is a struggle. It’s not perfect, and some of us have a more challenging road than others. Illness. Anxiety. Grief. Loneliness. Financial issues. Relationship problems. Depression. Guilt. Failure. Trauma. Addiction. Toxic work environments. Maybe we love and care for someone who suffers. If you don’t identify with any of these descriptors, just living through these uncertain pandemic times is a struggle.

Just do it

I was raised with the expectation to work hard, help others and “just do it.” Like many, my life was a whirlwind of constant pressure that I thought I thrived on. I could monitor my success by the items crossed off on my to-do list. Many spiral notebooks filled with lists documented the progress of my life.

I was an entrepreneur working 80+ hours a week in a start-up that eventually grew. I had two children to mother. Being a parent is a transformative experience, but it also brings a lifetime of thinking about their health, behaviour, grades, friends, etc.

Nothing prepared me for my son’s depression as a teenager and now as an adult, a crushing and unrelenting illness. Parents with kids struggling with a mental illness know the concern, worry, and stress, not to mention the guilt and self-blame. Did I miss a sign? Was it because I had a demanding job? Was what I did somehow not enough? I was heartbroken because no love or healthy meal could fix or help or alleviate his struggles, leaving me emotionally emptied.

After three years in a long-term residence, my father died. He was the person I spoke to every day and whose care was always on my mind. It is estimated that approximately 30% of us provide help to a chronically ill, disabled, or aged family member or friend during any given year and spend an average of 20 hours per week providing care for someone we love.

All this left no time for me.

How self-compassion helped me

My inner voice was a harsh taskmaster and kept screaming, “just do it” and don’t think about anything else. I confronted life’s challenges by being in a perpetual problem-solving mode.

“I can do it all,” was my mantra.

That was great until I crashed and burned.

After reflection and a little help, I realized that the tough “just do it” voice that screamed in my head was not sustainable. It was a long journey to replace that harsh taskmaster’s voice.

Self-compassion is an easy concept to explain but challenging to implement. It involves treating yourself with the same caring and kindness you would treat a family member, a friend or even a stranger who is having a hard time. Our culture emphasizes being kind to others struggling, but it does not emphasize being kind to ourselves.

I had to sit down and have a little talk with myself to understand why being kind to myself did not come naturally.

I had to undo a lifelong pattern of thinking to be convinced that having compassion for myself was the same as having compassion for a friend who is suffering. I had to sit down and have a little talk with myself to understand why being kind to myself did not come naturally. But eventually, I got there.

For me, being self-compassionate gave me the space to step back and observe my life without judgement: this is the way it is for now. It connected me to the notion that many suffer or go through rough times: I am not alone. It allowed me to speak kindly to myself: the way I would speak to a friend going through a hard time. It takes practice — being kind to yourself is not easy — but like any skill, the more you practice, the better you get.

How self-compassion can help you

While I had a slave-driver inner voice, for others your inner voice can be a harsh critic driving you to be tough on yourself, beat yourself up, think you are the only one to have failed, or you are not good enough. The voice is a merciless judge of your inadequacies and shortcomings.

Still others live with the crushing fist of depression and anxiety. Or we care for someone who is sick. Perhaps we have a demanding ageing parent or a terrible boss. Our reality feels like being shrink-wrapped, unable to punch our way out.

I am not an expert or a therapist, and there isn’t one formula for developing self-compassion. But I know it works. Here is what you can try:

sit down somewhere quiet and identify what your situation is, accepting it without judgement or criticism or trying to figure out what to do accept that the rough time you are going through is painful realize struggles are a reality shared by all of us talk to yourself as if speaking to your best friend with kindness, care and reassurance allow yourself to be more healthy and happy because you care about yourself and not because you have to fix something or you are worthless or unacceptable the way you are repeat often and notice the shift in your thinking.

Image created by author with photo licensed from Adobe Stock

Research and resources

Whatever your struggle is, research-based evidence confirms that the benevolent inner voice of self-compassion shifts your mindset to a more positive place. It provides you with confidence, resilience and a belief in your abilities. It lowers levels of depression and anxiety.

Resources for further reading: If you are interested in learning more about self-compassion, I recommend the books written by Dr. Kirsten Neff, a pioneer and leader in the field of self-compassion research for over 15 years. She has an excellent website.

I know all this now and wonder why it took me so long to figure out. But better late than never — so the saying goes. I hope self-compassion can be a soothing force in your life too.