How to Stop Being a Doormat and Start Being Happy — Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend
By: Sarah Cy
Tags: Relationships, Inspiration, Faith, Love, Books

How to Stop Being a Doormat and Start Being Happy — Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend

Detailed book notes

About Boundaries

Are you a doormat? Or are you the kind of person who treats others like doormats? Either way, you probably have a problem with healthy human boundaries.

What, exactly, are boundaries? They are things every mature adult needs to develop to form rewarding relationships and do well in life.

In Boundaries, experienced psychologists Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend share stories from the field research, and Biblical principles on how to create healthy boundaries that support your own health and growth while serving the needs of others as well. Take a look:

PART ONE: What Are Boundaries?

Chapter 1. A Day in a Boundaryless Life

The authors start with an anecdote about a wife and mother, Sherrie, who isn’t getting along with her husband, has a son with behavior problems and a withdrawn daughter, a coworker who takes advantage of her, a friend who constanntly calls to unload her problems without listening to hers, a mother who guilt trips her into visiting with her, and church friends who call on her when their own plans fall through.

Part of taking responsibility…is knowing what IS our job, and what ISN’T. Workers who continually take on duties that aren’t theirs will eventually burn out. It takes wisdom to know what we should be doing and what we shouldn’t. We can’t do everything.

There is a lot of misinformation about boundaries, wrong teachings that have led to clinical psychological problems from depression, anxiety and eating disorders to addictions, panic disorders, marital struggles, and more.

Chapter 2. What Does a Boundary Look Like?

The authors tell the story of parents who came in seeking help for their out of control teen, only to be told that “he doesn’t have a problem — you do.”

They were shown the truth: that they were enabling their sons issues by not allowing his behavior to lead to natural consequences because they were always taking care of him and covering for him and excusing his issues.

The therapist’s advice? “The solution to this problem would be to clarify some boundaries so that his actions cause HIM problems and not you.”

Physical boundaries are easy to see — fences, signs, walls, etc, mark out property lines.

In the spiritual world, boundaries are just as real, but often harder to see.

The goal of this chapter is to help you define and recognize intangible boundaries of your soul to increase your love and save your life.

Me and not me

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me.

Knowing what you own and take responsibility for = freedom. If you don’t own your life, your choices/options are limited.

We are never responsible for other people. We need self control, not other-control.

To and for

We are responsible TO others and FOR ourselves. Carry each other’s burdens Gal. 6:2 Each one should carry their own load Gal. 6:5

That means we don’t do things for other people they can do for themselves. But it does mean helping people with burdens that are too big for them to deal with alone.

Every person has his own load that no one can help with.

We ARE supposed to show sacrificial love by denying ourselves to help others with what they CANNOT do for themselves. But not by doing for them what they CAN do for themselves.

The difference between a burden (what we are supposed to help people with) and a load (what we must let people carry on their own), is that a burden means “excess weight,” and loads are “cargo, daily toil.”

Good in, bad out

Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out…in other words, our fences need gates in them…boundaries are not walls.

God and boundaries

The concept of boundaries comes from the very nature of God.

God is separate from his creation, he tells us who he is and who he isn’t. He tells us what he thinks/feels, allows/won’t allow, likes/dislikes.

He limits what he will “allow in his yard” by inviting in people who love him and giving consequences for evil behavior.

Examples of boundaries

SKIN: is your basic physical boundary. We even use it in our speech by saying someone “got under our skin,” when they provoke us.

WORDS: are invisible spiritual boundaries. The basic boundary setting word is “no.” Be clear about your no’s and your yes’s (Matt 5:37, James 5:12) “No” helps set limits on abuse (Matt 18:15–20).

We are also not to give things “reluctantly or under compulsion” (2 Cor 9:7). People with poor boundary skills are susceptible to peer pressure and easily cowed.

If you cannot say no to external or internal pressure, you [do not have] self control.

TRUTH: Knowing the truth about God and his property (unchangeable realities) shows you his boundaries. Being in touch with God’s truth = being in touch with reality, and living according to that reality = a better life (Ps 119:2, 45). There is safety in truth. Be honest about who you are, and you will have integrity (oneness).

GEOGRAPHICAL DISTANCE: Sometimes you need to physically remove yourself from a situation to create boundaries. In abusive relationships, often the only way to show your real boundaries is to create spsace until they deal with their problem.

TIME: Taking time off from a person or project can help you regain ownership over an out-of-control life.

EMOTIONAL DISTANCE: A temporary boundary to give your heart space to be safe. It is NOT a permanent way to live. People from abusive relationships need a safe place to emotionally “thaw out.”

Don’t return to a relationship until you see real patterns of change demonstrated. Don’t be too quick to trust in the name of “forgiveness.” You must see “fruit in keeping with repentance” (Luke 3:8).

Forgive, but guard your heart until you see sustained change.

OTHER PEOPLE: You need others to help you set and keep boundaries too. Support groups can give you strength to say no. We need community because we need to get rid of the fear that if we say no to abuse, people will stop loving us. We also need community because we need new input and teaching, correction from old, false messages.

Your most basic need in life is for relationship.

Consequences

Consequences give “barbs” to fences. They show people how serious it is to trespass, how serious you are about respecting yourself. It shows them that your commitment to living to your values is something you’ll fight to protect.

What’s within my boundaries?

The story of the Good Samaritan is a great example. When the Samaritan saw a man beaten up by thieves, he cared for him, took him to an inn, and paid the innkeeper to take care of him.

The Samaritan didn’t stay to nurse the guy himself, and the guy didn’t manipulate him into staying, because the Samaritan was probably on his way to do business somewhere, and had he stayed, he would’ve resented the injured man for “making him” miss a business opportunity.

In life, sometimes we have the compassion to help someone in need, but when the person manipulates us to give more than we want to, we get resentful and angry because we missed something we needed in our own life.

This kind of “giving” is not giving, but compliance, and creates resentment.

Feelings

Feelings have gotten a bad rap in the Christian world. They have been called everything from unimportant to fleshly. At the same time, example after example shows how our feelings play an enormous role in our motivation and behavior.

Feelings can’t be ignored or placed in charge. You must own them and be aware of them. They tell you the state of your relationships. But they are YOUR responsibility.

Attitudes and beliefs

Attitude: your orientation toward something, the stance you take toward [God, work, life, relationships]

Beliefs: anything you accept as true.

Often, attitudes and beliefs are the source of problems in our lives. NOT the “other people” we blame.

We must own our own attitudes and convictions. We are the only ones who feel their effect and can change them.

The tough part is that attitudes are learned early in life and people often don’t question them.

People with boundary problems have distorted attitudes about responsibility, believing that holding people responsible for their own feelings/choices/behaviors is mean. But it’s really not (Prov 13:18, 24)

Behaviors

Behaviors have natural consequences. People reap what they sow (Gal 6:7)

The problem comes when someone interrups this law of sowing and reaping. If someone is abusive or irresponsible, they SHOULD feel the consequences (Prov 15:10). Rescuing them from their behavior’s consequences makes them powerless.

This happens often with parents who yell and nag rather than let their kids suffer the natural consequences of their behavior.

Choices

We also have to take responsibility for our choices. A common boundary problem is blaming someone else for our choices. We often use words like “I had to,” “He made me,” to explain our actions.

These words show our illusion that we’re not active agents in many situations. We think someone else relieves us of our basic responsibility.

But we must realize we ARE in control of our choices, however we may feel. That way we won’t make choices to give “reluctantly or under compulsion” (2 Cor 9:7)

An example of this is the Prodigal Son’s brother, who chose to stay home but was resentful.

Making decisions based on others’ approval or on guilt breeds resentment, a product of our sinful nature. We have been so trained by others on what we “should” do that we think we are being loving when we do things out of compulsion.

Values

What we value = what we love and assign importance to. We often don’t take responsibility for what we value, getting caught up in valuing other people’s approval rather than God’s (John 12:43).

When we take responsibility for out-of-control behavior caused by loving the wrong things…and confess that we have a heart that values things that will not satisfy, we can receive help from God and his people to “create a new heart” within us.

Boundaries help you own your old harmful values so God can change them.

Limits

Boundaries need 2 limits:

Setting limits on others Setting limits on ourselves

God doesn’t set limits on people to make them behave. He gives them standards then lets them do what they want. But he separates himself from people who misbehave “You can be that way if you like, but you can’t come into my house.”

God limits his exposure to evil, unrepentant people, as should we…Separating ourselves protects love, because we are taking a stand against things that destroy love (see Matt 18:15–17, 1 Cor. 5:9–13)

We also need to set internal limits where we can have feelings, impulses, desires WITHOUT acting them out.

We have to be able to say no to ourselves — destructive desires, and even good desires that are there at a bad time.

We need self control without repression.

Resources and gifts

See Matt 25:23, 26–28 for God’s response to two people: one who used his resources wisely and one who wasted it.

We all have stewardship of our resources — money, internal talents, gifts. But taking ownership of them is risky and often scary. But we are accountable (and much happier) when we exercise our gifts and use them productively.

The lazy servant who didn’t use his resources was chastised not for being afraid but for not confronting his fear and trying the best he could.

Not confronting our fear denies the grace of God and insults both his giving of the gift and his grace to sustain us as we are learning.

Thoughts

Our minds and thoughts are important reflections ofo the image of God.

We’re the only creatures on earth with our thinking ability. Establishing boundaries in thinking involves:

Owning our own thoughts — don’t swallow the thoughts of others without examining them yourself. Growing in knowledge/expanding our minds — we need to grow in knowledge of God and his Word by reading thte word and studying his creation and work. Learning about his world is how we obey the command to “rule o ver” the earth and all in it, to be wise stewards. Clarifying distorted thinking — We all tend to see things unclearly. Personal relationships are most easily distorted by past relationships, preconceptions, etc., even of the people we see best. We have logs in our eyes (Matt 7:3–5)

So we need to actively check out where we might be wrong, assimilate new info, and let our thinking adapt closer to reality.

We also need to communicate our thoughts to others. Many people assume others are mind readers. But no one knows another’s thoughts (1 Cor 2:11) So tell them if you want them to know.

Desires

We all have different desires, many of them. But so many people are unsatisfied. Why?

Because we don’t know who the real “me” is and what “me” really desires. Many desires are lusts that come from not owning our real desires (Ex: sex addicts think they want sexual experiences when they really want love and affection.) (James 4:2–3)

God loves giving his children gifts, but only the right gifts and the right time. To receive gifts we have to be in touch with who we really are and what our real motives are.

If we want something to feed our pride or ego, God won’t want to give it to us. If it would be good for us, he’s interested in giving.

We also have to actively seek our desires. Own them and pursue them to find fulfillment in life (Prov 13:19, Phil 2:12–13, Eccl 11:9, Matt 7:7–11)

Love

Our ability to give and respond to love is our greatest gift…[the heart’s] abilities to open up to love and to allow love to flow outward are crucial to life.

People have difficulty giving/receiving love because of hurt/fear. They close off their hearts and feel empty and meaningless.

Our loving heart, like our physical one needs both inflow and outflow of lifeblood. The heart is a trust muscle that must be used and exercised. When injured, it slows and weakens. And we are responsible for using this function.

Both love concealed and love rejected can kill us.

Many people don’t take ownership of how they resist love. Their loneliness is a lack of responsiveness. Others’ love cannot “get in,” they say, but that negates their responsibility. We need to claim our hearts and work on our weaknesses to open up life to ourselves.

Chapter 3. Boundary Problems

People who don’t reespect others’ limits also have boundary problems.

The following are some of the main types of boundary problems. It’s not just about “not saying no” —

Compliants: Saying yes to the bad

When parents teach kids that saying no is bad, they’re teaching them that others can do whatever they want to them. They are sending their children defenseless into a world that contains much evil.

The world has manipulative, controlling, exploitative people. To be safe in this evil world, kids need to have the power to say no, disagree, etc. Blocking this ability handicaps them.

Compliant people have fuzzy and indistinct boundaries; they “melt” into the demands and needs of other people. They can’t stand alone, distinct from people who want something from them…compliants are chameleons. After a while it’s hard to distinguish them from their environment.

Why are people compliant?

They fear hurting people’s feelings

They fear abandonment, separateness

They want to be totally dependent on others

They fear other’s anger, punishment, shame, being seen as bad/selfish/unspiritual

They fear their overstrict critical conscience (experienced as guilt) (1 Cor 8:7)

True, healthy, Biblical compliance is different. It’s about inner compliance (aka compassion), not outward compliance + inner resentment.

Avoidants: Saying no to the good

Avoidants are unable to ask for help, recognize one’s own needs, let others in. They withdraw when they are in need and don’t seek support.

The problem is they see boundaries as walls, not fences that can “breathe.”

God doesn’t want to violate our boundaries to relate to us — this causes injuries of trust. We need to open up to him in need and repentance. But avoidants won’t open up to God or other people.

They think their problems and legitimate wants are bad/destructive/shameful. Some people are both compliants and avoidants.

They have “reversed boundaries” no boundaries where they need them, and boundaries where they shouldn’t have them.

They are stuck in a cycle of being drained, with nothing to replace lost energy.

Controllers: Not respecting others’ boundaries

Controllers resist taking responsibility for their own lives, so they need to control others.

They cannot hear no. They come in two types:

Aggressives: They run over others’ boundaries like a tank. They can be physically and verbally abusive and simply aren’t aware that others even have boundaries. (Ex: Peter rebuking Jesus in Mark 8:33) Manipulatives: Less honest than the former type, these folks indirectly manipulate circumstances, seduce others, use guilt messages, and try to persuade people (think Tom Sawyer and whitewashing the fence)

Compliants and avoidants can also be controllers. They tend toward the manipulative > aggressive side.

Compliant avoidants who need emotional support may do something nice for a friend, then hope that they’ll receive love in return. If they don’t get it, it leads to resentment.

This is not real love. Love is notself-seeking (1 Cor 13:5). Caring for someone in order to receive care back is an indirect way to control others.

Controllers are undisciplined, with little ability to curb impulses/desires. They’re slaves to their appetites. They can’t delay gratification, which is why they can’t hear “no” from others. They can’t function on their own because they don’t take responsibility for their own lives.

The remedy: let them experience the consequences of their irresponsibility.

Contollers are also lonely. People stay with them due to fear, guilt, dependency, and they don’t feel loved, because they know they keep people by them by pulling their strings, not because people actually love them.

We can’t terrorize…others…and be loved by them at the same time.

Nonresponsives: Not hearing the needs of others

Remember — boundaries describe our spheres of responsibility: what we are and aren’t responsible for.

We aren’t responsible for others’ feelings, but we do have responsibilities TO them.

Neglecting another person, such as a spouse, is a boundary problem. They lack attention to the responsibilities of love. They forget the admonition:

“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.” (Proverbs 3:27)

Nonresponsives are in 2 categories:

Those critical toward other’s needs — often a projection of our own hatred of our needs onto others (Matt 7:1–5) Self-absorbed, narcissitic people — so absorbed by their own needs and desires that they exclude others.

We do need to take care of ourselves so we can help others without being in a crisis ourselves.

Controlling nonresponsives: are on the lookout for caretakers. They like people with blurry boundaries, like compliant avoidants.

Functional and relational boundary issues

Functional boundaries: Related to a person’s ability to complete a task. Involves performance, discipline, initiative, planning. (Think: Martha)

Relational boundaries: Refers to ability to speak truth to people with whom we’re in relationship. (Think: Mary)

Many people have good functional, poor relational boundaries. The reverse can be true too.

Chapter 4. How Boundaries Are Developed

Your problems don’t start in adulthood. They developed during early significant relationships and are already part of your character structure.

Remember David’s prayer about life development:

Search me, O God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting (Ps 139:23–24)

God wants you to know where your deficits/injuries are, whether self-induced or other-caused. Ask him to shed light on the forces that have caused you problems.

The past is your ally in repairing your present and ensuring a better future.

Boundary development

Boundaries are built, not inherited. Building them is an ongoing process, but the crucial stages are in the early years (Prov 22:6)

“Train up a child in the way that he should go” does not mean the way the PARENTS think he should go, but the way God’s already planned for them.

It’s not about bludgeoning a kid into a “perfect child” but discovering what God intends for them and helping them reach the goal.

We go through life in stages, and so does boundary building:

Bonding: The foundation of boundary building

You can’t talk or study yourself into boundaries. You can ONLY develop boundaries in supportive relationships with God and others. You can’t start setting limits until you have deep, abiding attachments with people who love you no matter what.

Our deepest need is to belong, to be in a relationship, to have a spiritual and emotional “home”…like God, our most central need is to be connected.

Attachment is the foundation for the soul’s existence because otherwise we have nowhere to go in a conflict, leading to:

Setting limits and risk losing a relationship Don’t set limits and stay prisoners to the wishes of another

In psychology, moms must be there for infants to help them have emotional object constancy, creating an internal sense of safety and belonging. (Eph 3:17) Bonding is the prelude.

Separation and individuation: The construction of a soul

Around age 1–3, babies start to seek autonomy. In psych, this is “separation and individuation.”

You can’t have a “me” until you have a “not-me.” You must discover what you AREN’T before you figure out your true, authentic God-given identity.

Hatching: “Mommy and me aren’t the same”

Hatching/differentiation: months of nurture have paid off and the kid is safe enough to start taking risks — crawling, exploring, wide eyed wonder at everything.

Practicing: “I can do anything!”

During “practicing” (10 mos-18 mos) babies walk and use words. Toddlers feel exhilerated, full of energy, a sense of omnipotence and no impulse control.

Parents can help babies by showing a responsive delight in their delight and some safe limits for practicing. It’s a balance between not allowing children to jump on the bed at all versus letting children jump all over you. You need to find middle ground.

Rapprochment: “I can’t do everything”

From 18 mos to 3 years, rapprochment occurs (French “restoration of harmonious relations”). The grandiosity of the past fades and kids start to realize the world is scary and they still need mother.

But now the relationship is one of two separate people. During this stage you might see:

Anger: Anger is a friend that tells us when there is a problem to confront.

Ownership: This is not selfishness. We need a sense of “mine” to develop a sense of responsibility to develop our resources anad gifts. Without this we have nothing TO give to God/his kingdom.

No: toddlers use this word to keep from feeling helpless/powerless. Parents can encourage them by not being insulted/enraged by their kids’ resistance or withdrawing emotionally. They must stay connected, let their kid feel safe enough to say no, and teach them to respect others’ boundaries.

Two other periods of life focus on boundaries:

Adolescence (a reenactment of the first years of life) Young adulthood (when kids leave home, start careers, get married. They often lose structure and this is an intense time of learning more boundaries)

The earlier the child learns good boundaries, the less turmoil he or she experiences later in life.

Boundary injuries: what goes wrong?

The earlier and more severe the [boundary] injury, the deeper the boundary problem.

Withdrawal from boundaries:

No one likes to be told no, but withdrawing love and relationship is injurious. Parents have to stay attached/connected to kids even when they disagree.

Parents who pull away in hurt/disappointment/passive rage teach kids that “you’re loveable when you behave, and not if you don’t.”

This is spiritual and emotional blackmail.

It teaches kids to fear and hate their truth-telling, separate parts. Kids learn to hide parts of themselves.

As parents, don’t say to your kids: “it hurts us when you’re angry” (that makes them responsible for your emotional health, making them YOUR parent), but say “I know you’re angry, but you still can’t have that toy,” and then take your hurt feelings to an adult or to God for care.

Children feel omnipotent, and it’s easy for them to believe they’re responsible for their parents’ feelings.

Emotional withdrawal can be: a changed tone of voice, long silences, illness, crying, yelling. Children of such adults are terrified of setting boundaries that lead to isolation and abandonment.

Hostility against boundaries:

This happens when parents are angry at kids’ attempts to separate. They don’t just say “You must do what I say,” but “You must do what I say AND you must like it.”

Parents who punish kids for growing independence will lead to kids retreating in hurt and resentment.

Discipline is an art: it teaches kids self-control using consequences. But the “my way or the highway” approach teaches kids to PRETEND to be obedient.

Letting kids have consequences, on the other hand, lets THEM decide how much pain they’re willing to endure to be disobedient.

God’s discipline teaches, not punishes (Heb 12:10–11)

Hostility with boundaries only teaches kids to avoid wrath. This is why some Christians fear an angry God no matter how much they read about his love.

Children of such parents grow up to suffer depression, anxiety, relationship conflicts, substance abuse. That’s when they realize they have a boundary problem.

Hostility also creates problems in saying and hearing no. Either kids get pliably enmeshed with others or outwardly controlling, just like their parents.

Overcontrol

Occurs when parents try to protect their kids using overly strict rules and limits. But kids need room to make mistakes. We learn maturity by “constant use” (Heb 5:14).

This leads to dependency, enmeshment, problems taking risks and being creative, and difficulty with setting and keeping firm bouondaries.

Lack of limits

Lack of limits hurts kids’ characters. It makes them hard to be in a relationship with. It’s the opposite of hostility. It provides no structure for kids to develop their character.

Sometimes lack of limits + lack of connection = kids becoming aggressive controllers. (Eg: tantrumming toddler in a supermarket)

If these issues aren’t dealt with, they will come up later in life and by then consequences may mean hospitalization, divorce, jail, disease.

No one can really escape the disciplines of life. They will always win out. We always reap what we sow. And the later in life it is, the sadder a picture it is, for the stakes are higher.

Inconsistent limits

Some parents combine lax and strict limits, sending conflicting messages. This often happens in alcoholic families. Their kids never feel safe — they’re always waiting for someone to let them down or attack them unexpectedly, so they always keep their guard up.

Setting limits for kids in such families is traumatic. Saying no could bring respect OR rage. They feel double minded and don’t know what they are and aren’t responsible for (James 1:6)

Trauma

Trauma: intensely painful emotional experience, not a character pattern. Can be physical, sexual, accidental, an illness, etc. Trauma shakes up2 necessary foundations to kids’ growth:

The world is reasonably safe I have control over my life

Without this foundation, kids feel frightened and unsure, not safe and protected in the world.

God’s heart is close to the victims of trauma (Isa 61:1) and desires to bind their wounds with the help of loving people.

Our own character traits

We contribute to our boundary issues by our characters. People naturally more aggressive tend to be more confrontational and so on.

Our own sinfulness

We also contribute to our boundary issues because we resist humility. We want to be omnipotent and in charge, not needing or being accountable to anyone.

Our depravity enslaves us to the law of sin and death, from which only Christ can save us (Rom 8:2)

Chapter 5. Ten Laws of Boundaries

The authors start with a hypothetical situation: imagine you were an alien who had no idea how this world worked. You come to Earth and find out, unlike at home, you have to eat to survive, and that if you step out of your spaceship, you fall. (You didn’t have gravity back at home either).

When you start feeling hungry you go to a restaurant and eat, but don’t know that you have to pay money. The angry earthlings then throw you in jail and you are no longer free.

People raised in dysfunctional families have experiences just like this alien. They are thrust into adulthood in a life where spiritual principles they were never taught now govern their lives.

Spiritual realities are as real as gravity, and if you do not know them, you will discover their effects.

Law 1: The law of sowing and reaping

Cause and effect is a basic law of life. (Gal 6:7–8)

But sometimes people step in and interfere with these consequences. Your mother may pay your creditors for you, for ex. But the Law of Sowing and Reaping is still operating. It’s just that the doer isn’t suffering the consequences, someone else is.

People who constantly rescues another is a codependent. They cosign the note of life for irresponsible people.

Confronting an irresponsible person won’t help. Only letting him feel the consequences will. (Prov 9:8)

Law 2: The law of responsibility

We’re supposed to LOVE one another, not BE one another. I can’t behave for you or grow for you, only you can. (Phil 2:12–13)

We’re responsible TO others, not FOR others. One way to do that is to set limits on another person’s destructive behavior. Don’t rescue them from their own consequences or you’ll reinforce a bad pattern (Prov 19:19, 23:13)

We are responsible TO others by GIVING to needs and putting LIMITS on sin.

Law 3: The law of power

People must admit they are moral failures. They are powerless over addictions. There is a law of sin at work within us (Rom 7:15, 19, 23). But you have the power to do “things that will bring fruits of victory later”

You have the power to agree with the truth about your problems (this is what it means to confess) You have the power to submit yourself to God (you can’t heal your sickness, but you can call the doctor) You have the power to ask God and others to reveal more about what is in your boundaries You have the power to turn from the evil you find within (repentance) You have the power to humbly ask God and others to help you with leftover developmental injuries/needs You have the power to make amends to those you’ve injured (to take responsibility for yourself and your sin)

Your boundaries define what you don’t have power over — everything outside! (Remember the Serenity Prayer)

When it comes to other people, you can’t change them. You can only influence them. And the best influence is to change YOURSELF so their destructive patterns no longer work on you.

Law 4: The law of respect

People who have boundary problems often talk about “they” — “they won’t accept me, they’ll get angry with me, they won’t speak to me”

We often judge others’ boundary decisions as if we knew what they OUGHT to give. But we are judged when we judge others (Matt 7:1–2). When we judge others’ boundaries, ours fall under the same judgment.

When we condemn others’ boundaries, we expect them to condemn ours. This sets up a fear cycle inside that makes us afraid to set the boundaries we need to set. As a result, we comply, then we resent, and the “love” that we have “given” goes sour.

The law of respect is the golden rule (Matt 7:12) We must respect others’ boundaries in order to command respect for our own.

Law 5: The law of motivation

Kids whose parents withdraw love when they don’t do what their parents want are taught to give reluctantly. Their motive for giving is not love, but FEAR of losing love. Fear of anger. Fear of confrontation.

Self-centered people get angry when others tell them no.

False motives for giving include:

Fear of loss of love/abandonment Fear of others’ anger Fear of loneliness Fear of losing the “good me” inside (We are made to love, so when we are not loving, we are in pain. But some mistakenly think that love always = saying yes) Guilt Payback (Many people feel they have received too many gifts and feel a burden to pay for all they’ve been given) Approval Overidentification with the other’s loss (they feel the other person’s sadness at rejection too deeply and can’t stand to hurt a person like that, so they comply)

We are called to freedom, and freedom = gratitude, overflowing heart, love for others. If your giving isn’t leading to cheer, you have to revisit this law.

The Law of Motivation: Freedom first, Service second. Serving in order to be free from fear = failure.

Law 6: The law of evaluation

You must evaluate the effects of your boundary setting and be responsible to othe other person.

Our saying no can hurt people, while not harm them. (Dentists hurt people in order to help them)

We cause pain when we confront others’ wrongdoing, but if we DON’T share our anger, bitterness and hatred sets in. We have to be honest with our hurts (Eph 4:25)

Law 7: The law of proactivity

Wrath and sinful passions are a reaction to the severity of the law (Rom 4:15, 5:20, 7:5) and wrath and disillusionment are reactions to parental injustice (Eph 6:4, Col 3:21).

Some people who have been passive and compliant all their lives go ballistic and we wonder why. The reality is they’ve been storing up pressure for years and then their rage explodes.

This reactive phase is helpful (especially for victims) to get out of their helpless stage. But they are not enough to establish boundaries.

Emotionally, the reactive stance brings diminishing returns. You must react to find your boundaries, but having found them, you must not “use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature…if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another (Gal 5:13, 15)

You must eventually rejoin the human race you’ve reacted to, and establish connections as equals, loving your neighbor as yourself.

This is the proactive stage of boundary setting.

Reactives are known for what they are “against.” Proactives don’t demand rights, they live it.

Power is not something you demand or deserve; it is something you express. The ultimate expression of power is love…the ability not to express power, but to restrain it.

Law 8: The law of envy

Envy is probably the basest emotion we have — it was Satan’s sin, the desire to be God.

Envy defines “good” as “whatever I don’t have,” and hates the good it DOES have. How often do you subtly put down others’ accomplishments? We all have envious tendencies. But this sin is particularly destructive because it guarantees we will never get what we want and will always be insatiable/disatisfied.

Instead, we are to test our own actions and “take pride in ourselves alone, without comparing to others” (Gal 6:4)

Boundaryless people feel empty/unfulfilled, so they look at others’ fullness and feel envy.

And we don’t just envy possessions/accomplishments, but even things like character and personality.

All of this is a distraction from developing the gifts God’s given us (Rom 12:6)

Instead, if you are lonely, own it. Ask yourself and God “why do I always withdraw from people? What can I do about it? Maybe see a counselor…”

If you are burnt out, own it. Ask “If I’m really choosing to love God, why do I feel like a slave? What’s wrong with my spiritual life?”

Your envy isi a sign that you’re lacking something. Ask God to help you understand what you resent, why you don’t have that which you envy, and whether you really want it.

Law 9: The law of activity

We need to have spirit and push and propel ourselves into life. Healthy boundaries are formed when a kid pushes against a world naturally and the outside world sets limits on the kid.

Evil is an active force, and passivity can become an ally of evil by not pushing against it. Passivity never pays off.

God will match our effort, but he will never do our work for us. That would be an invasion of our boundaries. He wants us to be assertive and active, seeking and knocking on the door of life.

We are like the chick hatching from the egg that needs to push our way out of the shell ourselves.

Law 10: The law of exposure

We have boundary problems because of relational fears. Fears of guilt, loss of love, receiing anger, etc. These fears create secret boundaries where we withdraw passively rather than communicate an honest no.

We secretly resent people instead of tell them how they hurt us. We privately endure pains caused by others rather than tell them how they affect us.

But if our boundaries aren’t communicated directly, they are told indirectly through manipulation.

Because of fear, we h ide parts of ourselves in darkness “where the devil has an opportunity.”

When our boundaries are in the light, that is, are communicated openly, our personalities begin to integrate for the first time…they become light. They are transformed and changed. Healing always takes place in the light.

God can lead you out of whatever captivity you are in — dysfunctional family, the world, your religious self righteousness, your lostness. He’s saved you already but you must “possess what has been secured,” just like the Israelites were promised Canaan, but still had to work to fight for their possession of it.

Chapter 6. Common Boundary Myths

Myths are fictions that look like truth. Here are some boundary myths:

Myth 1: If I set boundaries, I’m being selfish

Truth: our needs are our responsibilities. We must meet our own needs. That’s our job, we can’t make others take care of us. Our own needs are not selfish or bad or a luxury.

We don’t own ourselves. Saying no to people/things that are bad for us is protecting God’s investment.

Myth 2: Boundaries are a sign of disobedience

People with shaky limits are often outwardly compliant and inwardly rebellious and resentful. They want to say no but are afraid so they say a halfhearted yes.

But the truth is:

An internal no nullifies an external yes.

God cares about the heart, not outward compliance. That’s called lying. And if we can’t say a real no, we can’t say yes. (2 Cor 9:7)

Myth 3: If I begin setting boundaries, I will be hurt by others

Yes, people can get angry and attack us for setting boundaries, but boundaries are a litmus test for quality of relationships. People who can respect boundaries can love us — our wills, opinions, separateness. If they can’t, they don’t really love YOU, just your “yes.”

Also, necessary pain from boundary setting on a person can cause him/her to be motivated to change for the better.

Caveat: bonding first, boundaries second. You need a place where you’re unconditionally loved before you can safely tell the truth. This love will prepare you for resistance from others.

Myth 4: If I set boundaries, I will hurt others

Truth: boundaries are not a weapon, but a defensive tool. They don’t control/attack/hurt anyone. They protect your treasures from being taken at the wrong time.

We all need more than God and a best friend. We need a group of supportive relationships.

That way, we don’t rely too heavily on just one friend. We allow friends to be human, to have times when they’re unavailable.

Myth 5: Boundaries mean that I am angry

Emotions are signals. Negative emotions tell us things like “be careful of danger!” (fear) “we’ve lost something” (sadness) “danger!” (anger).

Anger is a sign that boundaries are violated. It also gives us a sense of power to solve a problem.

Boundary injured people sometimes have catching up to do with their anger. THey look back on years of boundary violations they never realized existed, that generate great anger.

When hostile feelings come up, confess them to heal them (James 5:16) and rebuild your injured soul, your sense of safety, personal autonomy. As your boundaries are stronger, you have less need for anger because often anger was the only boundary you used to have.

Don’t get mad — set a limit!

Myth 6: When others set boundaries, it injures me

Many people who are refused make a vow not to do the same to others. Why?

Sometimes having had inappropriate boundaries set on us can injure us, especially as a kid

Children’s emotional and psychological needs are primarily the responsibility of the parents.

Because young children have fewer places to go to get their needs met. Self centered, immature parents can hurt kids by saying no at the wrong time. Ex: infants left too long to cry it out stop crying not because they’re calm but because they’ve gone past crying into depression.

Also, we sometimes project our own injuries onto others.

People who have been hurt as kids often think others are just as fragile.

We might be in an overdependent relationship

We can’t rely on any one person to meet all our needs. That’s fine for kids but adults need too have several healthy, supportive relationships or we slow our personal and spiritual development.

Having a person we can’t hear “no” from means we’ve handed control of our lives to them. If they threaten withdrawal, we fall apart.

(See James Dobson’s Love Must be Tough)

Myth 7: Boundaries cause feelings of guilt

A major obstacle to boundary setting is our feeling of obligation. We think we owe something because we received something.

This is a nonexistent debt. Love we receive is a gift, not an obligation. All that is needed is gratitude. (Col 2:7) We only owe thanks. If a giver is angered by thanks, they didn’t give you a gift — that was a loan. Gifts have no strings.

Myth 8: Boundaries are permanent, and I’m afraid of burning my bridges

You own your boundaries, not the other way around. You can renegotiate them when you want.

PART TWO: Boundary Conflicts

Chapter 7. Boundaries and Your Family

People who own their lives don’t feel guilty when they make choices. They consider others’ ideas, but out of love, not guilt.

A sign of boundary problems is when your relationship with one person has the ability to affect your relationship with others. That person has too much power in your life.

Some parents finance their kids’ lives into adulthood, crippling them for life, preventing them from being independent.

Gossip and triangulation (Person A and B are mad at each other and confide in C instead of facing each other) hurts relationships. But info from 3rd parties are often inaccurate. You need to face whoever you have a conflict with (Prov 28:23, Lev 19:17)

Rule of thumb: never say to a 3rd party something about someone that you don’t plan to say to the person himself.

Who’s the child here, anyhow?

(2 Cor 12:14) Codependents take care of their parents. That’s wrong.

Giving is good as long as it’s appropriate to your situation and resources.

Continuation of old boundary problems

Patterns like giving out of compulsion/resentment, envy, passivity, secrecy, lack of consequences, etc., run deep.

The first step to fixing booundary issues is being aware of old family patterns you’re still continuing.

One step in growing up is coming out from parental authority and putting yourself under God’s authority. Our real family is God’s family. (Matt 23:9, Gal 4:1–7, Matt 12:46–50)

Also you must understand what you are doing and “take the log out of your own eye” to be able to deal with family members.

You don’t act in inappropriate ways for no reason. You are often trying to meet some underlying need that your family of origin did not meet.

Once you understand your need, you must get it met. Humble yourself, find a support system, stop hiding yourself and your talents and resources in the ground and expecting things to get better. Take in the good. Learn to respond to and receive love, clumsy at first or not.

Practice boundary skills, starting with easier parts. Practice in safe situations first. Avoid abusers and controllers from your past. Forgive people — because unforgiveness ties you to the person forever, keeping you stuck with a dysfunctional family. Receive grace from God to forgive.

Doing good for people freely is boundary enhancing. Codependency is not doing good — it’s allowing evil due to fear.

Chapter 8. Boundaries and Your Friends

Friendship is people who want to be around you just for your own sake, and vice versa.

When 2 compliants are together, neither gets what he really wants. Each is afraid of telling the other the truth, so they never do.

It’s healthy to have different friends for different activities.

If dealing with an aggressive controller, don’t stick around to be hurt. Go outside the room or the friendship until it’s safe to come back.

True friendships are based on love, and we cannot control that. That can be scary — any time, anyone can walk away. But when we have a more attachment-based life, we learn to trust love, knowing that true friend bonds aren’t easily broken.

Dating is a training ground for marriage. It’s not for injured souls to find healing.

Remember: we need to be comforted before we can comfort (2 Cor 1:4)

Chapter 9. Boundaries and Your Spouse

How to talk about YOUR feelings honestly:

Ex: a wife upset by her husband’s drinking started by saying “I feel like he doesn’t think about what he’s doing…” the therapist stopped her: “That’s what you THINK about him. How do you FEEL?” And she started crying: “I feel alone and afraid.” That was what made her husband finally understand and want to change.

We can’t communicate feelings by saying “I feel that YOU…” but “I feel sad/lonely/scared/etc” vulnerability is the beginning of intimacy.

Your feelings are your responsibility. Don’t wait for someone to come apologize. Do something about it. Face the person. Not dealing with hurt/anger can kill relationships.

People don’t make other people angry. Your anger has to come from something inside of you.

Disappointed desire is what hurts you, not the person who disappointed you. It is YOUR want, and YOUR responsibility to get it fulfilled. That’s a rule of life. We don’t get everything we want and have to grieve our disappointments rather than punish others for them.

Sometimes it’s not a matter of selfishness, just conflicting desires. Marriage is about working out conflicting desires.

We are limited creatures, so our giving is also limited. We have to give freely and decide in our hearts how much to give, not past the point of resentment.

Other people aren’t extensions of our desires. They have wants/needs of their own and we must negotiate fair, loving, respectful relationships with them.

Setting limits in relationships is an act of love — it binds and limits evil, protecting good.

The most responsible behavior is usually the most difficult.

What your spouse does is his choice. What you decide to put up with is your. Boundaries always deal with yourself, not others.

Passive boundaries like withdrawal, passive-aggressive behavior, triangulation, etc are destructive and estranging. Boundaries must be communicated verbally then with actions, clearly and unapologetically.

A hurt heart takes time to heal. Don’t rush back into a relationship with unresolved hurt. Hurts must be exposed and communicated and owned.

Submission is always the free choice of one person to another. (Eph 5:21)

How to treat marital problems:

Invetory the symptom Identify the boundary problem specifically Find origins of the conflict (often from family of origin) Take in the good (bonding and support before building boundaries) Practice (new boundaries should be practiced in safe places) Say no to the bad (like abuse) Forgive Be proactive (figure out what you want to do, do it, and stick to it. Know your limits) Learn to love in freedom and responsibility

Chapter 10. Boundaries and Your Children

Second to learning how to bond…the most important thing parents can give children is a sense of responsibility

Young children need boundaries because that is the proverbial “ounce of prevention.” The earlier kids learn limit setting and delay of gratification, the smoother their lives will be later.

With older kids, there will be more resistance.

There are two kinds of discipline:

Positive: proactivity, prevention, instruction

Negative: correction, chastisement, consequences

Kids need both prreventive training, practice, and correctional consequences. We learn to mature through trial and error.

Discipline is an external boundary, designed to develop internal boundaries in our children.

Punishment is not discipline. Punishment is payment for wrongdoing. It’s not a great teacher. The price is too high and leaves no room for mistakes. Disciplinee, though is a natural law of actions reaping consequences.

Punishment ended on the cross for all those who accept Christ as Savior. Discipline looks foward. We use it to not make the same mistakes again. It allows us to have the freedom to make mistakes without fearing judgment or loss of relationship.

The teens are a crucible for kids. We find out what kind of character has actually been built into our children during this difficult passage.

Kids need boundary building for:

Self protection

Taking responsibilities for your needs: without boundaries, it’s hard to be heard and understsood, to filter our needs from others’

The first way to start taking ownership of one’s needs is to identify them.

We are supposed to take responsibility for our lives and use our talents in productive ways. Rationalizing is no uuse.

We are ultimately responsible for what we do with our injured, immature souls.

Wise parents let their kids undergo “safe suffering,” age-appropriate consequences.

Having a sense of control and choice

When kids refuse to go to the dentist, parents can drag them kicking and screaming, or say “You’re absoluteley right, honey. I can’t make you go. But remember our rule. If you choose not to, you’re also choosing not to go to the party tomorrow. I’ll respect either decision. Shall I cancel y our appointment?”

Kids need to have some sense of control, to not see themselves as helpless pawns to theier parents, but as initiative-taking agents of their own lives.

Delaying gratification of goals

Childrern are infamous with instant gratification. Newborns aren’t able to understand “later.” But as wee grow, we learn to delay gratification.

Respecting the limits of others

Kids have to learn others’ limits from a young age, and that the world doesn’t revolve around them. If they can’t respect the no of family and friends and community members, they will have to face police and courts later.

Respecting boundaries is the basis for empathy.

Types of discipline

When it comes to teaching children boundaries, here are some tips:

Consequences are for increasing kids’ sense of responsibility and control over their lives Consequences must be age appropriate Consequences must be related to the seriousness of the infraction The goal of boundaries is internal motivation and self-induced consequences

Chapter 11. Boundaries and Work

In the garden of Eden, Adam and Eve had work to do — to manage the earth. But after the Fall, our problems with work began.

Other problems affected our work, such as

The tendency toward disownership — not taking responsibility for what is ours. It started with Adam and Eve blaming each other for the Fall.

Dividing of love from work: Before the fall, Adam and Eve were connected to God’s love and worked out of a loving motivation. Afterwards, he had to work as part of the law and the fallen world’s curse. “Want to” became “Should.”

Work and character development

Some Christians have a warped way of looking at work, thinking it is secular unless we work “in ministry.”

But ALL of us have gifts/talents to contribute to humanity, and a calling into service. Work is a spiritual activity.

Problems in the workplace

Applying boundaries can solve common workplace problems, like:

Getting saddled with another person’s responsibilities: Don’t do others’ work for them. Their anger can’t hurt you as much as their poor work habits can. Don’t be angry back. But if there’s a legitimate reason to help, do so. Working overtime too much: The author once had an employee who told him “You have a problem. You hired me to work 20 hours, but you’ve given me 40 hours of work. Which 20 would you like me to do?” Remember: “Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” Misplaced priorities: Say no to the unimportant and to the inclination to do less than your best. Doing your best on the most important things = reaching your goals. (Think about Moses and his father in law Jethro’s advice) Difficult coworkers: Remember you can’t change others, you can only change yourself. If you’ve given the other person power over your well being, change how you relate to that person. You’re the one in pain, you’re the one with the power to change. Critical attitudes: Don’t get hooked into trying to win over the critical person or allowing them to provoke you to anger. Don’t internalize the criticism, don’t try to win them over. Keep yourself separate, and try confronting the person according to the model in Matthew 18. Conflicts with authority: Transference is when you have feelings in the present that belong to unfinished past business and happens a lot with bosses because they’re authority figures and easily trigger authority conflicts. To have boundaries, take responsibility for your transference, think about whether they remind you of someone. You’re responsible for working out those feelings so you can see others as they really are. Expecting too much of work: Work isn’t supposed to be your family. People often have this mistaken idea when family and church and community aren’t the social pillars they used to be. Meet your emotional support needs outside of work. Taking work-related stress home: Conflicts at work need to be worked through there so they don’t affect the rest of your life. Your work will never be done, so don’t let it spill into your personal life. Disliking your job: People who can’t find a job that is “them” are often those who haven’t separated from the family they grew up in. Others’ expectations can be powerful influences. Don’t let them define you. Figure out with God what work you are really made for.

Boundaries are where our identity comes from. Boundaries define what is me and what is not me.

Finding Your Life’s Work

You need to take risks to find the work that fits your strengths. Firmly establish your identity, separate from old attachments, take ownership of your feelings thoughts and desires, assess your talents and limits. Follow God.

Chapter 12. Boundaries and the Digital Age

The on-call life: we have a technological intruder in our pockets all the time. Social media dn teh cell phone has destroyed many natural boundaries.

Tech isn’t inherently bad. But you have to control it, not let it control you. Boundaries exist to define property lines, to define what is and isn’t yours.

Shutting yourself off completely from social media isn’t the answer. True self control comes from observation and training in relationships. Don’t be the kind of people described in Col 2:21, the ones who say “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”

We are supposed to be free, but with caution: “Do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh, rather, serve one another humbly in love” (Gal 5:13)

Your boundaries are meant to protect your freedom, and your freedom is not meant to hurt you or others.

Ex: The Sabbath had been given as a boundary on work time so people could rest. But it became a burdensome rule thanks to religious leaders.

The point: Rules can be beneficial, but they should not be your master, stealing your freedom to do good.

Strategy: “Find the misery and make a rule.”

Ie, if something’s hurting you, make a rule to keep it from hurting you (ex: if every time you eat something, you get a stomach ache, then make a rule to not eat that thing).

Are You Addicted?

Paulu said “I have the right to do anything…but I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Cor 6:12)

If you can’t take 24 hours off from tech without withdrawal, you’re addicted.

With your kids, you must know them, have a strong relationship to best monitor them and know how to set rules. Begin with earning trust. They get as much freedom as they can be responsible with.

Freedom, responsibility, love always have to be equal. Treat privacy as a privilege. Even adults have to do that (think warrants for house searching when there is reasonable evidence of harm)

FOMO: Missing out on some things so you don’t m iss out on the best things

Before the digital age, we didn’t suffer as much from fomo because we didn’t know what we were missing.

Fomo doesn’t come from devices, but from a dependency issue: people don’t feel complete/solid on their own and need constant contact with others to stabilize their sense of peace inside. That’s not healthy dependency.

Intimacy is a necessity, not a luxury. And it requires multiple levels of information exchange. We have to express ourselves at many levels and experience others at many levels. That’s why we have so many modes of communication: words, eye contact, gestures, facial expressions, etc.

Humans leearn empathy by experiencing others’ emotional expressions. That’s why we need to incarnate/“be in the flesh” with one another (physical presence, over and over). Whereas digital connections mean less empathy in relationships.

Chapter 13. Boundaries and Yourself

We have met the enemy, and he is us — Pogo Possum, Walt Kelly’s character

We often struggle with ourselves regarding food, money, time, task completion, talking (gossip, etc), sexuality, substances.

Causes of struggles with time: unrealistic expectations of what they can accomplish in a day, overresponsibility for the feelings of others, lack of realistic anxiety because they live too much in the present, rationalization of others putting up with them.

Causes of struggles with task completion: resistance to structure, fear of success, lack of follow through, distractibility, inability to delay gratification or say no to others.

Why Doesn’t My “No” Work?

3 reasons:

We’re our own worst enemies: External problems are easier to deal with than internal ones. We shift our responsibility on others. We withdraw from relationships when we most need it: We try to fix private problems without letting others know about them. Secrecy dates back to the garden of Eden. Our instincts are to withdraw when in trouble (but remember Eccles 4:10 — “Woe to the one who is alone and fallsand does not have another to help”) Grace must come from outside to be useful and healing. We try to use willpower to solve our boundary problems: Willpower is “just say no.” This philosophy won’t work. That makes an idol out of our will. Our hearts and minds are distorted and so is our power to make right choices.

Will is only strengthened by relationship; we can’t make commitments alone.

That’s why God had Moses encourage Joshua (Deut 3:28) not just tell him to “jus tsay no.” Willpower alone = guaranteed fail. If we could overcome evil with willpower, we wouldn’t need a Savior. Willpower is useless with self-boundary struggles.

Establishing Boundaries with Yourself

Modified boundary checklist (from Ch. 8)

What are the symptoms? What destructive fruit are you exhibiting by not saying no to yourself? What are the roots? Identify the causes of your sef-boundary problems — how you’re contributing to the issue, your developmental injuries (how you’ve been sinned against), relationships, etc. (ex: lack of training, rewarded destructiveness, distorted legit needs, fear of relationship, unmet emotionall hungers, being under the law/legalism, covering emotional hurt) What’s the boundary conflict? (food? money? sexuality? substances?) who needs to take ownership? Our boundary conflicts may not be all our fault, but they ARE our responsibility. What do you need? You need to actively develop safe, trusting, grace and truth relationships.

Symptomatic relief (trying to deal with a problem by only working on symptoms) leads to more symptoms. See Luke 11:24–26 about how a demon who leaves a man comes back with 7 more.

How to begin:

Address your real need. Out of control behaviors often disguise a need for something else. Ex: Overeaters sometimes use food to avoid romantic/sexual intimacy.

Allow yourself to fail: Your behaviors may not disappear aftere you address your real need. Continue to practice. Embrace, don’t avoid failure.

Listen to empathic feedback from others. You may be unaware of your own failures or the extent of the damage you cause. We can be motivated by love, not fear.

Welcome consequences as your teacher. Not all suffering should be embraced, but we must learn to suffer for our own irresponsibility. Learning to develop self-boundaries is a process.

Surround yourself with loving, supportive people. Neither overly critical people nor rescuers are helpful.

If you are a victim

Healing from victimization is difficult because developmental processes have been damaged/interrupted by abuse, and people lose trust — the ability to depend on others in times of need, a basic survival need. We have to be able to trust our perceptions of reality and let significant people matter to us.

Our abiliity to trust ourselves is based on our experience of others as trustworthy.

Another damaging effect of abuse is a destruction of ownership over the victim’s soul, they ofte feel like public property and that they owe others their time, resources, and body whenever.

Also: deep, pervasive sense of being bad, wrong, dirty, and shameful. No matter how affirming others are, victims are convinced that underneath they have no good inside themselves. Such victims must seek professional help.

The good news is your boundaries with yourself can be restored and strengthened.

Chapter 14. Boundaries and God

When people read the Bible, some see it as a book of rules, others as a philosophy of life, others as mythology.

To the authors, the Bible is a book about relationships.

Respecting Boundaries

God respects our boundaries by:

Leaving work for us to do that only we can do. He lets us experience painful consequences so we will change. He doesn’t violate our wish to be left alone, though he pleads with us to come back.

Respecting our no. He doesn’t try to control or nag us (think of the eprodigal son, the rich young ruler, Joshua and his people) Most people aren’t as honest as the prodigal son who said directly “I don’t want to do it your way, I’m going to do it my way.” God prefers honesty (Eccles 5:5 It is better not to make a vow than to make one and not fulfill it)

Cloud and Townsend share a story about Jeremy, a husband who was cheating on his wife. At first Jeremy kept saying he was sorry, but when encouraged to face the truth, he confessed he didn’t want to change, he liked his affair and he didn’t like God or his rules.

It was scary for Jereemy to admit the that he was lying when he claimed to be a Christian who cared about holiness. But the honesty and the safety of grace helped him to see and regret his true self and develop godly sorrow, the kind that leads to repentance and change.

For years, he said yes and acted out no, but once he owned his no honestly, change was possible.

Until we own our boundaries with God, we can’t ever change them or allow him to work with them. They are hidden and not communicated. They need to be honestly owned, exposed, and made a part of us. Then we and God can face the problem.

There is room for our expressing anger at God too. People are cut off from God emotionally becaus ethey think it’s not safe to tell him how angry they are at him.

Job wanted to fully express his anger at God to God, but he had to be sure that God would withdraw his hand of punishment and start communicating w ith him (Job 13:21)

We often fear being honest because it was not safe to express honesty in our earthly relationships.

Respecting God’s Boundaries

God has the freedom to say no to us too, and when we get angry with him for not doing something, we’re not letting him be who he is.

The basic problem in human relationship is that of freedom.

We call people bad when they don’t do what we want, and withdraw love from them. We do the same with God, feeling entitled to his favor. We hate the freedom of others.

God does things for us out of choice, not under compulsion, guilt, or manipulation.

Job had to accept that God wouldn’t rescue him on Job’s timetable, but Job did not “make God bad in his own mind” or end his relationship with God.

Yet God doesn’t want us to be passive in our relationship with him either. We can change his mind like Abraham did when bargaining for Sodom (Gen 18:16–33)

God responds when we make our feelings/wishes known, as if God says “if it really means that much to you, it’s okay with me.”

One of the emost astounding teachings of the Bible is that we can influence God. It wouldn’t be a real relationship if we couldn’t.

See Isaiah 1:18 “Come now, and let us reason together.”

God wants us to respect his boundaries and not withdraw our love when he says no, but he’s fine with us trying to persuade him to change his mind. He even tells us to be tenacious about it.

God Respecting His Own Boundaries

God’s the ultimate responsbility-taker. He takes responsibility when others cause him pain. He decides when enough is enough. In the story of the wedding banquest (Matt 22:1–14) a king whose invitation to attend a banquet is refused first pleads with the naysayers, then decides to change and extend the invitation to others.

God is our role model. We have to take responsibility when we’re hurting and move to make things better, which may mean finding new friends, or forgiving someone.

A Real Relationship

Relationship is what the gospel is about. It is a gospel of “reconciliation”…[that] brings hostile parties together and heals relationships between God and humanity and between people.

PART THREE: Developing Healthy Boundaries

Chapter 15. Resistance to Boundaries

The driving force behind boundaries has to be desire. We usually know what is the right thing to do in life, but we are rarely motivated to do it unless there’s a good reason.

Wee need to see what’s right is also good for us, and we usually only see that when we’r ein pain.

We are also reluctant to work on boundaries because it is war.There will be battles, and losses. Spiritual warfare has been around for thousands of years.

We have to fight for our healing as the Israelites fought for the Promised Land.

God secured our healing, our salvation and sanctification in position and principle, but we have to work out his image in us. We’re the ones who have to do battle.

We must battle inner and outer resistance.

Outside Resistance

The most common resistance from the outside is anger. Self-centered people see others as extensions of themselves and get angry when deprived. It’s not righteous anger at a real offense. It’s not that something’s been done TO them but that someone won’t do something FOR them.

Angry people have a character problem that will come back again and again. First, realize the angry person is the one with the problem, not you. Maintaining boundaries is good for others.

To deal with this, don’t internalize the anger, don’t get angry back, use physicall distance and other limits to enforce consequences, but take these steps in love not anger.

There is a true risk that if you do this, the person will leave the relationship if they can’t control y ou. God takes this risk every day.

Another resistance is guilt messages. This one is powerful. It can come dressed up in God-talk.

To deal with this:

Recognize guilt messages, which are really anger in disguise. They also hide sadness and hurt but those people don’t own the feelings but rather try to steer the focus on you.

If guilt works on you, its your problem, not theirs. Don’t blame people for making you feel guilty, it’s you giving them control over your life.

Don’t explain or justify with guilt trippers. Just say what you’ve chosen.

Be assertive and interpret their messages as being about their feelings. Empathize with them, but be clear that it’s THEIR distress.

Others may try to limit you by cutting off resources, like rich parents who refuse to help their kids financially if they disobey. If this if your situation, first figure out what you’re getting for your lack of boundaries and what you stand to lose (money? the reelationship?). But remember this loss is not comparable to the loss of your very self (Luke 9:23–25)

Decide if you’re willing to risk the loss, to bear the cross. Remember, boundaries without consequences aren’t boundaries. Don’t try to set boundaries before you decide if you’re willing to enforce consequences.

Then be diligent about making up what you lose — earn money another way, find other relationships. Then, set the boundary. Be like Peter and get out of the boat and walk toward Jesus. Remember this is also just the beginning. Maintain those boundaries, prepare to battle.

You may also need to set boundaries on people with real needs because there are limits to what you can give. Sometimes you want to give but you’d burn out if you did. Know your limits, give what you’ve decided in your heart to give. Empathize and pray for people, send them to other resources if you can’t help.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

There’s a difference between the two. Some people are afraid to forgive because they equate that with letting down boundaries and giving the other person power to hurt them again.

The Bible teaches that we always need to forgive — something we do in our hearts, releasing the debt someone owes us, stop condemning them. They don’t have to ask for forgiveness.

But it also says we don’t always achieve reconciliation. God forgave all people, but not everyone is reconciled to him. We don’t open ourselves up to the other party until we’ve seen that they’ve owned their part of the problem. (Produce fruit in keeping with repentance Matt 3:8)

God is our model. He didn’t wait for people to change their behavior before he stopped condemning them, but that doesn’t mean he has a relationship with all people.

Internal Resistances

We also have to be able to say no to self-defeating sinful behaviors. Reasons for internal resistance can come from unment neeeds, unresolved grief/loss, etc.

The authors start with a story about Rachel, whose string of boyfriends were all like her dad: emotionally unavailable and unwilling to show love. They were self centered and hurt her but she refused to set up boundaries with them. She was trying to use her boyfriends to fill the unmet developmental need her dad left her.

If we have unmet needs, we need to take inventory and get those needs et in the body of Christ so we will be strong to fight adult boundary fights.

Many people are psychological orphans who need to be adopted and cared for by the body of Christ; to differing extents, this is true of all of us.

Unmet needs has to do with getting good things, grief has to do with letting go of bad things. Many people can’t let go of a person they’ve “fused” with. In Rachel’s case, she had to let go of something she’d never have — her father’s love.

But in the Bible there’s a lot of talk of God asking people to leave behind lives that aren’t good for them. (Israelites leaving Egypt, Lot leaving Sodom)

The basic rule in Biblical recovery: life before God isn’t worth holding on to. Lose i t, grieve it, let it go so he can give us good things.

Wishes must be mourned and let go of so hearts can be opened to things God wants for us.

Ex: saying no to a controlling parent is getting in touch with the sadness of what you don’t have with them instead of working hard to get it still. That working hard keeps you away from grief and keeps you stuck. Accepting the reality and letting go of the wish for them to be different is the essence of grief, and that is really sad.

But we need to face internal resistance by:

Owning our boundarylessness. Admit you have a problem whether it was being controlled, manipulated, abused, it’s not that you’re a bad person and your misery is the other person’s fault, but that you lack boundaries. Don’t blame others.

Realize the resistance. You sabotage freedoom with internal resistance. It’s not easy, if it were you’d have done it years ago. (Romans 7:15, 19 “I do not understand what I do…”)

Seek grace and truth. You need others’ support. Good grief can only take place in relationship.

Identify the wish. The failure to set limits comes from the fear of loss. Identify whose love you have to give up if you choose to live. What are you putting on the altar?

Let go. It will be like a funeral. You’ll go through stages of grief (denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance) this is normal. Talk about your loss with supportive people. God will fill the empty space with love from people and himself.

Move on. Find what you want. Seek and you will find (Matt 7:7)

God has a real life out there for you if you are willing to let go of the old one…You will be amazed by how mucuh can change in your life when you finally begin to let go of what you can never have.

Attempts to preserve the old life takes a lot of energy and opens you up to abuse and control, Letting go/grief is the path to serenity.

If you’re afraid of anger…

People who come from homes where anger is used to control learn to fear anger.

If angry people can make you lose your boundaries, you probably have an angry person in your head that you still fear.

You need to love to allow you to let go of that angry parent and stand up to adults:

Realize it’s a problem Talk to someone about the paralysis. You can’t work through it alone. Don’t give up boundaries by fighting or being passive. Keep practicing.

Setting boundaries can be scary because it’s the fear of the unknown. How to counter the fear:

Pray

Read the Bible. It’s full of stories of how He’s proven himself faithful to others as he led them into the unknown.

Develop your gifts. We can’t feel good about ourselves without skills and competencies. As skills develop, fear of the future reduces.

Lean on your support group. (Eccles 4:9–10 “Two are better than one”)

Learn from the witness of others. It’s helpful to get with people who are struggling, who’ve gone through what you’ve gone through.

Have confidence in your ability to learn. Nothing you do now was something you didn’t have to learn. That’s life. But you can learn. People who strongly fear the future want to “know everything” beforehand, but no one can. Know that you can learn, and future unknowns will look different. You dont’ have to stay stuck in learned helplessness.

Rework past separations. Past losses may be unresolved. You may be seeing the world through the eyes of a 6-year-old, not the eyes of your p resent age. Rework the past and don’t let it become the future.

Structure. Life changes are often unbearable because of loss of internal and external structure. You need to create internal structure from boundaries, gaining new values/beliefs, learning new spiritual principles/info, new disciplines/plans that you stick to. Externally, having others listen to your pain, setting aside time to talk to people, etc. helps.

Remember what God has done. Hope is rooted in memory. We remember getting help in the past, which gives us hope for the future. Look at your life for how He has intervened. Give God a chance. (Heb 10:35 “Do not throw away your confidence, it will be richly rewarded”)

UNFORGIVENESS

Unforgiveness is the most self-destructive thing we can do. Forgiveness is hard because it means letting go of something someone “owes” you.

We attempt to collect on these debts by pleasing them, confronting them/trying to convince them that they are bad, taking it out on someone else, etc.

But to forgive is to write it off, let it go, cancel the account, acknowledge we’ll never get from that person what is owed, acknowledging the past will not be different. This may mean grieving the childhood that never was, etc.

Forgiveness is not about opening up to more abuse. Forgiveness is not denial. You must name the sin to forgive it.

Gain grace from God and let others’ debt go.

EXTERNAL FOCUS

People who look outside themselves for the problem keeps you a victim bcause you can’t change until someone else does. That’s the essence of powerlessness. It makes you feel morally superior but doesn’t fix the problem.

GUILT

Guilt comes from our early socialization process and what we’ve been taught. Guilt feelings can come even when we do nothing wrong. Also, guilt is a terriblle motivator. It’s hard to love from a condemned place.

We have to feel not condemned so we can feel godly sorrow that looks at the hurt we cause others, instead of how “bad” we are. Guilt distorts reality. It will keep you from doing what’s right. It will keep you stuck.

Start by realizing guilt is your problem.

We’re not God, we have limited resources. We can’t help everyone with everything. What can you realistically do?

ABANDONMENT FEARS

You need to be rooted and grounded in love in order to form healthy boundaries. People stay in destructive relationships becuase they’d rather have no boundaries and some connection than be abandoned.

IF IT WERE EASY, YOU WOULD HAVE DONE IT BY NOW

The world, society, your own self will work against you and pressure you. Resistance is a good sign you’re doing what you need to do. It will be worth it. (Think James 1:2–4)

Chapter 16. How to Measure Success with Boundaries

Steps in your growth:

Resentment: early warning signal. When you avoid conflict, you can develop hurt, anger, resentment. An inability to get angry is a sign of great fear. Change of taste: being drawn to boundary-lovers. When you start to develop healthy boundaries, you’ll be attracted to folks who can hear no without being critical, hurt, or personalizing it. Joining the family: you will develop closer more meaningful connections. Treasuring your treasures: your values will change, you’ll take better care of yourself and stop seeing people as objects.

…practice baby no’s (don’t jump into the deep end right away), rejoice in guilty feelings (you will likely feel some self condemnation first if you have a weak conscience or overactive internal judge), eventually you’ll grow to love your own and others’ boundaries.

Then you’ll be able to say a free no or yes.

The best way to teach kids is to start with clear, strict limits. Then after they get used to you, loosen up a bit. When unsure, say no first.

Our basic sense of ourselves, of what is real and true about us, comes from our significant, primary relationships.

Protecting yourself isn’t selfish. God loves you as much as He loves others, and…

You can’t love others unless you have received love inside yoruself.

Success with boundaries is continuous. Here are things to look at:

Anger: early warning signal when boundaries are violated. Some Christians who think anger is a sin, they bury it deep inside so much that they are easily manipulated. Anger is like pain, it’s a warning signal.

A change of preferences: Youu will start to attract boundary respecters instead of people who reguluarly overstep boundaries. We were created to be free, and when we’re free to wholeheartedly say yes to others, we become authentic, loving people whose companionship is refreshing. Boundary violaters may make you feel part of the family but don’t allow you to be who you really are.

A change in value system: You will learn what it means to really love. Our basic sense of ourselves and of truth is influenced by our relationships. But when you begin developing in the image of God, a shift occurs, healing takes place. You must value the gifts God gave you to protect them (time, money, feelings, beliefs, your heart)

Practice boundaries in a safe environment. Welcome guilty feelings as signs of growth. Work on boundaries with difficult people after you’ve practiced and prayed.

Your guilty feelings will disappear: This is a good sign that your conscience has adjusted to the truth.

Desire others to have boundaries as well: You will better respect boundaries others set with you.

Free to say no insetead of a half hearted yes: (See the story in Matthew 21:28–31 abouut the sons asked to work in the vineyard)

Value-driven goal setting: Your final stage of boundary development is when you have a direction in life. Things won’t always go smoothly but you now have realistic plans, not overly-optimistic goals.

Chapter 17. A Day in a Life with Boundaries

The authors end with a story about the woman from the first chapter, now living a healthy life with boundaries.

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