Stop Letting Other Kids Define Your Kid’s Self Worth
By: Samantha Altizer
Tags: Love, Self Improvement, Children, Self-awareness, Bullying

This is a topic near and dear to my heart for a few reasons. First I was the “lonely kid” for a long long time. Even into sixth grade and at times later on. I was always picked last, I hardly remembered much less knew people in my classes. There were a few people who did make valiant efforts at times, I think, but I had a hard time emotionally figuring things out and I was also socially a flop. I had no idea what most kids were talking about, I had no sense of age appropriate humor, nor did I get it, I also had trouble navigating boundaries, much less social nuances like not scratching your butt in public. (Don’t laugh we all know that one kid, it was me.) Fast forward and I have a child who suffers a similar fate. YAY genes right? She has one thing going for her that I did not, or I guess in retrospect no one thought about it like we do now. However, she has me. I relate so much I have done my best to prevent the awkwardness, humiliation, and depression that can come from being the weird kid.

With that bit of back story, the other day one of my Facebook friends shared her child was going through similar things as my daughter and I both have experienced. She is not alone there are others of my friends who have children who are going through the same thing. Not to mention the thousand posts I see about this poor child invited their whole class for a birthday and no one showed up. I have touched a bit on and off on the birthday thing, but here we are again. So it got me to thinking, maybe I needed to share somethings we do to help Midge to navigate the turbulent waters of childhood. (AKA playground torture) If your child has never had to deal with being the excluded one consider yourself lucky and just ignore the rest of this article otherwise continue.

So here is my conclusion, I have a very serious feeling that at least 85–98 percent of the populace has been bullied and/or excluded at one point in their life. I said it. All the anti-bullying policies in the world can’t change that somewhere along the way someone is going to feel as if they are on the end of bullying or exclusion or both. I am not saying it is a good thing, but I think some times we as humans can misconstrue or have miscommunications and things come across differently than intended. Also we have personal preferences and sometimes others don’t fit into them. If any of this offends you to hear, you probably needed to hear it. I was bullied intentionally in high school by girls who threatened to beat me up every day and nothing was done. I also unintentionally bullied a kid in middle school who I thought his nickname was blueberry how was I to know he was getting called that because of his coat. I came back from being sick and called him that and got in trouble. I had no clue, I honestly didn’t even know his name other than blueberry he was called that so much. And my social awkwardness, coupled with shyness just led me to assume things. I remember crying because of it and it still bothers me to this day that I upset him. Now, that we have determined that things may or may not get done if bullying is reported lets talk about why it even matters.

From an early age we want our kids to play with one another, we want them to be nice, and we want them to share. Which is amazing and good, but when they want to be by themselves do we let them? Do we teach them to be alone? To enjoy their own thoughts, to discover the world around them in their own way? The answer for many is not really. Like we know they like science and that Walmart™ kit was a great buy but who has time to do it with them and so it has been sitting in the corner. When we mainly positively reinforce their interactive play versus their solitary play we tell them that is the important time as toddlers and young children. When they become old enough to have their own thoughts and ideas and we don’t make the time for the science project/zoo trip/nature walk alone with them but take them to a football game, ballet, or other activity where they are interacting with others we again reinforce this idea that being with others is the way to go. So eventually they start to want to fit into the molds and cliques the groups we expose them to have. The problem is most of the times we are not all going to fit in and the “popular one” sets the tone for what everyone else does or thinks. The other problem with this is the “popular one” isn’t always the “popular one” so for kids who are labeled the “weird one” it is hard to navigate these waters.

Here are my suggestions, for any time you have a child come to you and complain about being left out. TEACH them to be alone. To enjoy their own company. To think beyond what the kids they play with are doing. For example when Midge comes home complaining of being excluded instead of saying to bad and lamenting about it and talking to the teacher. (She can’t fix it not really and this can lead to bullying when the teacher isn’t looking.) I ask questions.

1.Did you ask the other kids to play with you? Or if you could join their game? That is it if the answer is no, then there is your suggestion to your child. If the answer is yes, then we move on. 2. Okay, well then today wasn’t your day to play. Did you try to look for squirrels’ nests in the trees? Did you look for bugs? What were they doing today? Did you look for trash on the playground to help the environment? (That last one normally gets an eye roll but she is quick to throw things away at the park when we go.) Did you take a book to read? Did you think about how we can improve your room?

You get the idea. By asking those questions instead of getting upset, I have seen her self esteem go up. I tell her that having one or two friends is better than having many and sometimes those friends may want to play with other friends. She does not own her friends and they are not required to be with her at all times. She still spends recesses alone at times, but she is not lonely because she has herself to keep her company. When she deals with people trying to bully her now, she is better equipped to let it go. I am not talking about physical assault but there have been times when she has come home with some bullying behavior directed towards her. She brushes it off and tells me “I don’t need them to like me. I just need to like me.” She is in second grade now, and hopefully that attitude will last for a long time. Teaching her she doesn’t need others to give her a feeling of self worth is beyond teaching her self love it is teaching her a life skill. WE all go through times in our lives as adults that if we don’t know how to be alone with ourselves and appreciate who we are as an individual, others words and actions will break us down. So, stop sending the message to kids that they need to have others around to have a good time or that they need to conform to what other kids think of them. Go out and open the science kit, the dye kit, or whatever they are into and help them learn more about themselves. AND if they have a lonely recess encourage them to get to know the best friend they will ever have, themselves.