Trigger Alert: Pronoun War
By: Kate W. Hall
Tags: Pronouns, LGBTQ, Parenting, Transgender Children, Transgender

Although the comments were posted in online groups and I’m not allowed to share them (I learned that the hard way, too — I had no idea we couldn’t talk about comments outside the group even if anonymously. It’s a rule so I was banned from an online support group, and sent a very nasty note about how I should not be so privileged to think I can use my child’s former pronouns).

Given that flub up I deleted the rule-violating post and decided to begin a conversation here.

Some of the folks with comments for me were that I was insensitive and didn’t care how my use of the former male pronoun made them feel, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

I acknowledge that it’s perfectly fine to disagree with me on this point (or any point for that matter) — after all, disagreement leads to discussion; that’s how we exchange ideas and learn, with correct context and proper listening.

There are several challenges with my scenario I’ll share for but won’t dwell on them: 1) I truly don’t believe everyone understood the goal of the post was to share my personal experience and 2) I don’t believe a lot folks actually read it, they just skimmed the first few paragraphs and seeing that I had used a former pronoun together with her new pronoun and became very upset.

I’ll never know the extent of how the anger over this issue came about but the crux is that there is a contingent of the LGBTQ (and support) community that feels strongly that once a transgender or non-binary person has transitioned, that individual should never be referred to any former pronoun.

In my case, using the birth pronoun was illustrative to share the story of my daughter’s birth, how we chose the name, her subsequent coming out to us, and changing that name and how I’ve worked through it. Maybe in a few years from now I’ll refer to her as a she from the start — I probably do this in conversation a lot and don’t even realize it. But when I started writing about the name, the whole point was to discuss the name, how we decided on the name, and why the name changed.

Should I use a “trigger alert” as was suggested to me, or does that just sensationalize the entire post when it really isn’t about the pronouns?

The challenge the strong negative reactions against my approach bring about is: How will we ever get to a place where we can have peaceful discussions about individuals on the gender spectrum without getting so struck on the pronouns that we never get any further?

If this online debate had occurred say, at a party or in a forum that was open to all types of people, my concern is that those who knew nothing about the trans community would be terrified to say anything about any pronoun after witnessing such painful discourse. They may be nervous about messing up pronouns, words, and phrases and retreat away from conversations that may otherwise be beneficial and educational.

Or they may just get frustrated and lash out because change is hard for everyone and never open their minds to learning about our amazing transgender and non-binary tribe.

Now, this is in no way related to folks making fun of pronouns, as in the recent Democratic debate when use of she/her/hers became a punchline. Not okay, ever.

I’m baffled at the response I’ve received, even though it was a small majority of the feedback sent personally to me (maybe five-six very vocal/angry comments including a couple of memes poking fun at me). Are we to become so mired in the words that we cannot fully understand the story?

Or is it the words — in this case pronouns — that are so critical that they are indeed stumbling blocks to expressing how much I love and support my child, and about her trajectory through life? Where does the sensitivity end and understand and education begin?