Recovering Truth
By: Tim Varner
Tags: Mental Health, Recovery, Depression, Addiction, Life

Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash

“Never trust an addict.” Or so they say.

Living that stigma, I can’t help but agree with those words.

Throughout my addiction I have broken so many trusts, it has risen to innumerable proportions. Through family and friends, bosses, and coworkers, I have completely destroyed any ounce of faith that still existed in a plethora of relationships. Several people in my life have chosen to ignore the fact that my addiction has led to the demise of my trustfulness. Whether it be for their own benefits directly or indirectly, I have encountered several people that seem to have taken advantage of the fact I WAS willing to work for a drink rather than money or labor my body to unfortunate extents just for a bottle.

I have lied, stolen, and cheated my way through my addiction, as most do. I have walked out on hundreds of dollars in tabs through a drunken haze, I have pocketed countless prescription drugs, alcohol, and illegal substances from friends and family alike. I have slept my way through people who could benefit my addiction through money, housing, or just sheer support of my disease.

I once met a woman in the rooms who explained to me she would tell her husband she was going to McDonald's and then go to Burger King just for the sake of lying.

This disease is as they say completely cunning and baffling. When I sit back and try to understand what it is that makes us master manipulators, I always arrive at several possibilities in my own mind.

We (I) would always believe I was successfully “getting over” on people whether it be taking advantage of the inexperienced or just being a slippery citizen. Through countless broken promises and memories that were never formed due to my neglect, I have journeyed down the road of forgiveness. Although I haven’t had the privilege of participating in step-work due to the times, I still do my best to understand them and work the program on my own the best I know-how.

I have so many regrets through my addiction but do not believe in living a life of regret. My decisions, as unfortunate as they were, will forever bother me, but I also realize that was the path I was to walk. Missing my best friends baby shower and completely devastating their day, leaving my love alone bed-ridden sick to drink myself to oblivion, missing family outings, and neglecting my children’s pleas for my time due to a much-needed come-down, are only a few of the memories I have missed out on, but always cut the deepest.

Without complete conviction, I’m nearly confident in saying my wife and my fights during my addiction were one-hundred percent due to my lying. Always substance-driven I found myself lying just to lie. I would hide things purposely in plain sight to see if she noticed. I would send countless lie-filled text messages about my departure from work (I always worked late as it was but found myself rushing the job so I could begin my trudge into obscurity.) Although I have never cheated on my wife physically, I know my drunken words and late-night proposals to others were as if I did.

Through my new-found recovery, I have woken up in a sense and realized so many incredible facts. I’ve always known I was an alcoholic and was content on living that life, alone or not. With that said, I always believed the fact my sub-conscience cried out for help, even as I attempted to drown any words it expressed. With the hiding of bottles and paraphernalia in plain sight, I believe I wished to be caught and confronted, not to entice a fight but to have my addiction thrown in my face. The constant monitoring of my phone posed a gut-wrenching blow to my addicted mind but for that, I am now grateful. My wife would block and remove people from my social life that she felt were key contributors. A lot of arguments and damaged walls became of these times, but now clear-minded I understand and appreciate all she did.

My father and step-mother would always plead and do their part in the attempt to retrieve my sobriety, but with most growing addicts I would rather avoid them. Not just so I wouldn’t hear their words, but so they could not see the state I was in, allowing my lying to do the dirty work. Now through my conversations with them, I understand they always knew when I was under the influence. (Apparently, I have tells!)

Like most addicts, I believed that I was nearly getting away with murder, but in reality, I was just frustrating my family and friends to the point where they didn’t know what to do. I had to find that light and discover that path, and no one could do that for me.

Since I have emerged from the dark road of disbelief, I find myself participating in nearly no arguments nor disappointing the ones who mean the most. I now am able to take part in family activities and work with a level head. I find myself no longer lying about anything and practicing honestly which the ‘Big Book’ has right.

Life is so much simpler in the sun. Walking under that dark cloud, attempting to keep track of lies and money, avoiding people, and hiding from the world are some of the most stressful times I’ve ever experienced. Why addicts live that life is seemingly obvious but I don’t think can ever be answered. It truly is a lifestyle of devastation and commitment. I’ve always committed to the bottle more than anything else in life. There is no need, there is help out there and there always will be. Taking that first step is the hardest part but you’ll be glad you did.

Yes, you should never trust an addict and my wife reminds me I’m the one who explained that to her. Truthfully I don’t believe I should ever be trusted one-hundred percent. No matter what I will always have that mentality. That’s not to say it doesn’t get better and vastly improves, but I don’t know what the future holds. When I began my recovery I had given my wallet to my wife, disrupting any form of currency I would possess to contribute to my disease. I somehow had the power to turn a dime into a six-pack or a quarter into a pound. Since then it has been returned and my wife has expressed the fact she trusts me with my own money now.

Manipulation was an art to me and I lived my life determined to perfect it. These days I have no need to manipulate or get over on anyone, as I attempt to repay my debts and gain forgiveness for all I have done, I understand why it is as hard as it is. But as the rooms will teach you, It’s all about “Progress not Perfection.”

One day at a time.