Weekend Essay 001: Reacting to Reality
By: Amber Atherton
Tags: Stoicism, Emotional Intelligence, Emotional Health, Philosophy, Mental Health

Jean Baudoin — Recueil D’Emblèmes Divers, 1638.

‘You have power over your mind- not outside events. Realise this and you will find strength’- Marcus Aurelius

Our reactions make our reality. How we perceive an experience, emotion, even ourselves, all comes down to how we choose to react. When you start to analyse why you are reacting in a certain way, often it boils down to one of four truths.

The First: Biology

At our fundamental core we are animals. Whilst our mind, consciousness and ability to collaborate at scale may give us a sense of humanly divinity, much of how we respond to life is driven by our basic instinct to achieve human needs. We want to survive. Survival means reducing threats and pro-creating. For example, a friend recently read her partner’s text messages, she felt betrayed and jealous or more simply her animal instincts were alerting her that her security and chance of pro-creating were at risk. Our desire to be well liked by our friends, colleagues or even the broader public is driven by our fear of being ostracised from the group and we all know that our chances of survival are greater together than alone. Whilst we live in advanced societies, our intellectual prowess cannot defeat our animalistic essence.

The Second: Emotion

Possibly one of the most beautiful parts of the human experience is our ability to feel. Anger, euphoria, despair, hope. We each ride waves of feelings throughout the day, many of which derive from hormones or frankly a response to change. We wake up feeling optimistic thanks to a morning surge of serotonin, we feel exhilarated flirting, testosterone rushing through our veins. Each interaction we experience throughout the day whether alone, virtually, or in a group, can illicit a range of emotions. We’ve been taught through a culture of professionalism to not respond emotionally as it’s not rational, but it is human and we each need a different amount of time in order to process our emotional response. When you find yourself in a heated moment of emotion, decide to take an investigative approach to your state and pause to just analyse why are you feeling this way? Can you name the emotion? (an ex-boyfriend had to actually give me an emotional chart to help me learn how to recognise and articulate ~feelings. Disclaimer: I am also British.) How much of this response is to do with your ego? Or your anticipated version of how something was going to go, not panning out how you originally hoped? If emotions are information we should all take the time to learn what they are really telling us, and give ourselves permission to feel. Be brave and trust that your mind has the power to change how you feel and therefore how you react. For some of us the waves of emotion break rapidly on the shores of our reality, for others the waves are gentler and more drawn out.

The thing is you can decide how long you want to feel an emotion. Here is an exercise to practice. Re-call how a recent experience or interaction made you feel, then write down if you were to perceive it in entirely the opposite way. For example:

Perception 1: I feel sad that I cannot spend more time with someone.

Perception 2: I feel grateful for the amount of time I have spent with this person. I am blessed they are in my life in some way even if it isn’t in the way I think I want.

When you write down a different emotional response it’s quite amazing how easily your brain can begin to believe that version of reality and how differently you will feel. You can literally alter the present moment. Combine this with a sense of destiny and the idea that whilst your brain wants to set goals and believe in the fantasies it makes up, you must not get attached to a single outcome. The universe and the course of events that shape your life is not fully in your control, but you can control your outlook on life. Through pattern recognition you learn the interactions or experiences that create the emotions you want to feel. Then it’s just about multiplying the number of those interactions and experiences you have.

The Third: Learned Behaviours

Whether through nature or nurture, our actions and reactions form our character. Much of our experience of life comes down to the the experience our parents decided to give us and the behaviours we witnessed from a young age. My own bias towards action and curious relationship with time comes directly from my father. He is impatient and decisive action is his guiding philosophy. Whether this is a character trait passed onto me through DNA or a result of behavior exposure, it has shaped how I react.

In the same way, we become like the people we surround ourselves with. If you want to live calmly and thoughtfully you surround yourself with those who share that desire for zen. If you want to build and create, you surround yourself with curious entrepreneurial minds. Whether in a physical place that attracts a certain type of person or in a virtual community. One cannot underestimate the effects of the network we are in and the direct or indirect advice received from others around us about how we should be reacting to life events. The environment and stimuli you chose to surround yourself with directly shape and evolve your perception of things. Where people seem to get stuck is in this place of warped fear that they cannot change their circumstances, whether mentally or physically. Remember, it takes just a little bit of courage and a dose of curiosity to experience a different version of life. To reinvent one’s self and learn new behaviors.

The Fourth: Reason

‘All is as thinking makes it so’ The retort made to Monimus the Cynic cements the virtue of reason in Stoic philosophy. Popular with entrepreneurs and Silicon Valley perhaps because of the guidance it gives in how to respond to change. Life, as with startups, is an ever-changing state, with no promise of how long we will live or when we shall die. So to be able to react to one’s current circumstances with reason gives you a firm ground to stand on. However stoicism shouldn’t be the only state to navigate your life in. For if you limit your reactions to reason alone you deny yourself all the pain and pleasure of the full human experience. Accepting that your current circumstances, emotional state or even physical state is temporary can almost deliver a sense of relief. Not in a nihilistic or apathetic sense, but more so in the way of just enjoying where you are now. Evolution has primed us to always be on the hunt for new experiences, to plan the future! We almost always want to be somewhere else, but accepting where you are right now and what you are presently feeling, all the while quietly knowing that you have the power to change how you are perceiving reality is a powerful thing.