This Is Who I Am
Tags: LGBTQ, Transman, Transgender, LGBT

The drive behind why in the first place I wrote this article is due to the lack of awareness in people. Though I may seem different but the right way to put it is I am not conventional.

Who Am I?

I am a transgender person and I don’t see any shame or pity for this fact, rather I feel blessed that I was able to recognize and realize. Because as I said I may appear different but I am as normal as any conventional person. Let’s make this simple and start from square one.

Sex: this is biological sex/ the organs by which people differentiate whether a person is male or a female.

Gender: what a person feels or considers himself/ herself.

Gender Identity: a person’s perception of what he/ she feels like, can be different from the sex assigned at birth.

So, then what will be the meaning of transgender term.

TRANSGENDER: Transgender is an umbrella term which consists of transmen (sex: female, gender/ gender identity: male, ftm (female to male sex reassignment surgery)), transwomen (just opposite to transmen), hijra community etc.

I believe going through my life story as a trans male and quoting some anecdotes and instances will help you understand how there can be people who are just not simply male in a man’s body or female in a woman’s body.

My Story

Now I will start my story, how I feel about it, what challenges I have to face every day, few questions people ask.

I was born as a female, but I identify (gender identity) myself as a male. Yes, I come under the category transmen and I am a transgender person.

Since my childhood, I liked to play with boys, used to spend more time with boys (brother/ male cousins) as compared to girls. Now you may think that’s just normal there is nothing unconventional or “different” in the fact that I played with only boys.

I didn’t like even a single activity which is generally preferred by girls like having plaited hair, wearing frocks, putting make up, nail paint etc., rather I was more interested in having short hair, wearing t-shirt and pants, playing cricket, marbles (kanche) with boys. Never wanted to get my nose- ears pierced but it happened against my will.

I will quote one incident here, till date people pull my legs around this. I was 2 years old and went to my Nani’s (maternal grandmother) place and one day my Mama (Maternal Uncle) brought me a frock. Maine bahut zidd ki, roya, chillaya ki mujhe ye nahi chahiye (I insisted, cried, shouted that I don’t want this) and ultimately, I got a pant and T-shirt. From this incident, all I want to convey is I was just 2 years old and from that time I wanted to dress like boys. By that time in my case my gender identity was already formed. But obviously, being a child, we do not know about, the meaning of being a girl/ boy. But yes, I was never comfortable with my body since childhood. Time passed by and loads of incidents kept happening against my will, but now I DO NOT LET IT HAPPEN.

I was in 6th grade and I realized I was crushing on a girl, I was not able to understand what was happening with me. What I experienced was totally different from what world expects “normally” from my gender. For some time, I thought I was a tomboy who liked girls. The most irritating and frustrating point was when puberty hit and my breasts began to develop and I started getting periods. It was like I do not want this to happen with me, lots of things that were happening with my body was just unacceptable for me and I used to think what’s wrong with me. I was not myself. This was not me. And my mind was engaged with these thoughts, I was not able to share things going in my mind with anyone, neither friends nor family.

Whatever the situation was I dealt with it and I had few very good friends, my friend circle was all boys group just except me. My parents didn’t oppose that but always asked questions that why don’t you have any female friend. By the time I was 16–17 years of age I had a proper idea that I do not relate myself with this female body. But I didn’t know how to tell anyone, I didn’t have the words to express myself. Somehow, I managed to tell few of my friends. Just 2–3 people supported, and rest stopped talking to me which was very disturbing.

During my engineering days, I stayed in girls hostel, this was a whole new experience for me. This was the first time I had female interaction as pals and few became my best friends. At first I was very uncomfortable with their touch (though it was friendly), when out of the blue they start changing clothes in front of me, I just looked down because maybe I was embarrassed, like a boy would be when his female friends do this. These were the awkward moments. One day I decided to tell my college friends about my identity. I went through a lot of trouble considering the past, few thoughts crossed my mind like, what if they also disown me. It was very difficult for me to tell them, and I had to gather loads of courage and I finally told them. They all understood me and supported me throughout the college and even later.

In first year of my college, i.e., 2015 I told my parents but they didn’t understand how is this even possible. Later I thought let me be independent and then I will talk to them.

Now I am independent and a Software Engineer by profession. The organization I work for has great diversity and inclusion and very open to LGBT+. I have come in open in my org, I am very open about it now.

I started to build an army which supports me and can help me to talk to my parents for Sex Reassignment Surgery and my Xmen are my paternal cousins. One day I talked to my father and what he said was unbelievable. He said, he was thinking about this from a long time but could not talk to me and he gave me a green signal. Now he is supporting me for the transition.

I hope this Corona goes away soon and I can finally start with the process.

I have some question’s answer which will pretty much summarize challenges I faced in my life up till now

How Do I Feel About It

Before university, I used to be very disturbed, I could not focus on anything whether it is studies or sports. I had my friends support during college which helped me a lot in this phase, and also with age I became more mature and now I fully understand and accept this but I still feel uncomfortable with my body not matching my gender identity, my mindset.

Challenges I Have To Face Every Day

If something goes unwanted or unplanned, we think we do not exist there, this is not our space. This is the constant feeling that I have. It feels like I am trapped in this body, not able to do exactly what I want to do, the way which I want to do. I want to behave like a complete man but the society expects me to behave differently.

I want people to use correct pronoun for me which is he/his/him. But unfortunately, when people use she/ her, every time it reminds me that I am in wrong body and makes me harder to forget it.

If I like a girl and she is straight, even if I propose to her why will she say yes to me (to a female). This thing becomes really painful for me, if I were a complete man there could have been chances that the girl accepts my proposal.

I just feel suffocated being in this body.

Few Questions people ask me.

How Did You Know Your Identity Is Different From Sex:

Its answer is as simple as how do you know if you are hungry? You feel it right! In the similar way I felt it, but to reach an informed conclusion I took time because of my lack of awareness.

Do I Believe In God, Do I Curse Him For Doing This To Me:

Yes, I do believe in God and I never asked the question that why he did this to me because I am not the only one in the world who is going through this. Moreover, I do not have the maturity, understanding and the insight which God has. Maybe I was created like this so that I can make people aware and more accepting. I am glad that I will be living the lives of both the creations of god. I can look through any situation in a female and well as in a male perspective and reach to a decision.

How You Can Make Any Person Comfortable:

Do not judge on basis of their orientation, gender identity Just accept them as they are and as they want them to be accepted. Use the correct pronoun (which they like), this itself makes a great difference If they are not comfortable do not ask personal questions related to their body Do not over burden them with your expectations, let them be who they are If you cannot support, do not discourage them

Remember That Our Existence Takes Precedence Over Your Discomfort.