Self Care in Action: Celebrating Sober
By: Kelsey Mcgrath
Tags: Holidays, Compassion, Self Care, Mindfulness, Sobriety

An interview with Rivkah Reyes around their sober journey, spiritual practices and how they activate self care during celebrations!

In a journey to better celebrate sober and to love myself a little more, to learn more about boundaries and mindfulness this holiday season, I reached out to three of my friends and colleagues. In this interview series, Em Modaff, Shane Rhoades, and Rivkah Reyes share a little more about their journeys with sobriety, how they came into a mindfulness practice around their boundaries, and what others could do to be more sober inclusive in their celebration spaces.

Rivkah Reyes (they/she, but mostly they) is an actor, writer, and musician from Chicago, currently quarantining in LA. Rivkah recently had the honor of starring in the upcoming feature film Bad Animal. They love ceremonial cacao, skincare, witchcraft, podcasts, and making TikToks and body positive Instagram posts.

The interviews are divided into three sections, Introduction, Body, and Call to Action. The introduction will tell you a little bit more about Rivkah and their experience as a sober person in an English pub. They talk about what they did to prep for this trip and how they prepare for other celebrations. The Body dives deeper into mindfulness and boundary setting, Rivkah talks about Brenda, the loving name of their ego, and the self intrusive thoughts Brenda hurls their way. Rivkah then outlines their spiritual tools and mindset. Rivkah’s Call to Action dives into this more, and the practices they’ve established that help them stay grounded in their highest Truth everyday.

Interviews have been edited for length and clarity. Rivkah’s responses are italicized.

So so so grateful for Rivkah, their wisdom, their honesty, and their humor✨

Introduction

What is a story you have around alcohol and celebration where you felt empowered to enforce a boundary?

Last year, I was in the UK for the holidays with my partner and their family (ok, brag…) and was the sole sober person in the house for a whole week. On Christmas Eve, we went to a pub for dinner. A little tipsy, fisting a comically large Guinness, my partner’s brother-in-law Joe* asked me what made me stop drinking.

As a sober addict, I’m very used to these types of questions. “What was your rock bottom like?” “Do you think you’ll ever be able to drink normally one day?” “What happens if you don’t go to meetings?”

When Joe asked me what made me stop drinking, I used my go-to response, “I don’t like the person I become when I’m drunk.” He then pressed more, asking, “Do you think you’ll ever do it again?” I replied, simply, “I don’t want to do it today. If I decide I want to do it tomorrow, I’ll let you know.”

Intuitively, I know how to handle these awkward moments without getting flustered or oversharing about my cocaine-fueled sex bender that forced me to get sober in front of my partner’s Christian mom. This intuitive knowledge stems from being in fit spiritual condition. When I’m not, I become a “dry drunk,” which means even though I’m physically sober, I act like a true lunatic.

In preparation for this trip I went to a bunch of meetings the week before leaving, I downloaded recovery-based books on my phone, and I did research on where nearby meetings would be. I made it a point to talk to my partner about making sure there would be lots of booze-free beverages in the house. And while we were on our trip, I set aside time for myself daily to meditate and journal.

I constantly have to remind myself that because I was once willing to go to any length to get high, I have to be equally willing to go to any length to maintain my physical and emotional sobriety.

The other important thing I have to remind myself is that not everyone speaks the same language as I do. I have nearly three years without a drink and nearly a decade in therapy. I’m armed with a lot of facts about myself and a majority of the people I encounter outside of the recovery rooms simply aren’t. Not everyone understands that addiction is a deadly disease, and while a big part of my recovery is helping others understand how serious addiction is through telling my story, I know that Christmas Eve isn’t the best place to tell that story.

Body

Mindfulness, Boundary Setting and Values Based Decision Making and Compassion: What comes up for you when considering this in relation to your sobriety?

In the days of my addiction, holiday parties were primetime for me to black out and go home with randoms. It’s worth mentioning that my last drink was on December 10, 2017, so the weeks leading up to Christmas are now a time where my body remembers all of the fucked up things I did leading up to that last drink. These body memories cause the little ego voice inside my brain (who I lovingly refer to as Brenda) to throw some fun intrusive thoughts my way.

“You should go for that walk with your cousins and sisters while they smoke a joint! You don’t wanna miss out on any inside jokes.”

“Why don’t you check your gaslighting college ex’s IG to see if he’s in town for the holidays? Maybe he has a new hotter, younger girlfriend!”

“You don’t need to go to a meeting tonight, just go to that holiday party your agent is throwing where you’ll inevitably have to interact with all the actors who booked the gigs you didn’t!”

Brenda wants me to manufacture my own misery. Brenda wants me to act out because acting out used to be my method of protecting and comforting myself. Brenda doesn’t know any better, she’s a messenger of my resentments, fears and self-doubts. In short, Brenda is a liar with no boundaries, and when I’m not being mindful and taking steps and practices to keep her at bay, she wins.

What does Mindfulness mean for you and your sobriety?

Prayer (talking to my Higher Self) and meditation (listening to my Higher Self) in moments when I’m facing indecision (like, whether to go to a party or not, how much time to spend with my family, what to say to someone when they ask me an ignorant question about my sobriety or my gender.) I need to earnestly ask my Higher Self for the appropriate action or response. I do this by taking a moment to pause, reflect, and breaaaathe.

(Note: I often refer to my Higher Self as “God” because it’s a convenient monosyllabic noun, but you can replace that word for something more comforting, like Goddess, Truth, Universe, Spirit, Divine Intelligence, Sky Daddy or really anything, as long as it’s not the name of yourself, your ex or a bottle of tequila. As with all spiritual matters, take what you like and leave the rest.)

Call To Action

What are your thoughts and ideas about practices surrounding sobriety?

I was taught that spirituality isn’t an event, it’s a process and a practice. I really have to make a daily (sometimes hourly) decision to turn everything over to my Higher Self throughout the day. It’s mandatory that I hand every single thought, feeling, idea and action over to my Higher Self. Otherwise, I try to be the director, writer, producer, lead actor, craft services and the best boy (truly don’t know what a best boy does after 17 years in the film industry, can someone tell me?) of my life and I really hurt myself in the process.

What are your tools for mindfulness in this context?

As I mentioned before, meditation really helps. Journaling for three pages before starting my day. Making my daily potion (lately my go-to has been ethically sourced ceremonial cacao, but I also fuck with coffee and matcha) and setting my intentions for the day as I sip. Taking my life questions to my tarot cards or my Akashic Records.

Balancing my interactions with people who are able to drink normally (can’t relate) with my connections with other sober people. Having a handful of sober friends I can bookend events with, meaning I call or text them before and after a holiday party or tough boundary setting conversation with my mom. And…while I don’t always agree with her politically, Marianne Williamson’s book Return to Love has a bunch of gems in it about connecting to Higher Self. (If you like audiobooks, definitely spring for this one. Her voice is so soothing.)

*names have been changed for anonymity

Rivkah Reyes (they/she, but mostly they) is an actor, writer, and musician from Chicago, currently quarantining in LA. Rivkah recently had the honor of starring in the upcoming feature film Bad Animal. They love ceremonial cacao, skincare, witchcraft, podcasts, and making TikToks and body positive Instagram posts. They also offer sober addicts struggling sliding scale Akashic Records readings. You can book them here!

IG: rivkah.reyes

Medium: Rivkah Reyes

Also, here is a link to Marianne Williamson’s books, the author Rivkah refers to above!