Moral Harassment Techniques for Victims’ Awareness: Objectivation
By: Anastasiya Rostova
Tags: Abuse, Harassment, Violence Against Women, Violence, Murder

You might be surprised by the effort your abuser will invest in re-conquering you. Well, they care for their… property. You might be amazed by this ‘jealousy’ coming from this person never caring for others. Don’t be fooled by this — they simply see that you’re doing great without them. They haven’t destroyed you by 100%, and this is disturbing them. They haven’t taken all you have and haven’t seen you falling to pieces begging them to stop it all. It’s not love, friendship or a sane business relationship. It’s the thirst for possessing a thing of great value. They regard you as a property, as their asset which is now out of their control.

Objectivation and thirst for 100% control lead to murders. Photo source: Unsplash

Why does this objectivation phenomenon exist? Well, decades of living with abusive parents not accepting you as a kid, but squeezing more and more achievements from you can make anyone a monster. Their emotional life is poor due to inability to love. They see you as a collection of statistical parameters that can be used. And they feel no guilt for consuming what you have as they were smart enough to rob you of your talent, property, money, fame, or love. Emotional disability makes this world a dull place for them, so they play games, torture people, and commit crimes in silence to feel their superiority. And feel alive, yeah.

Disclaimer. This blog post is written by a former victim, not a psychology genius.

Objectivation: How Does It All Start?

In fact, it never starts and never ends — you’re their property, a thing at their hand, all the time. The only difference is whether they put some effort into concealing their attitude or not. This effort might be huge — they might be idolizing you at the start so you could remember it years after like the one and only flash of true love. This overly sweet attitude is a sort of overpromising — after such a great start, you’ll certainly expect an even better continuation, with your business thriving, your love growing, etc.

Unfortunately, this love bombing at the start is all they are capable of. This is why aggressors work on their first impression twice and thrice as much. Everyone would escape if they were brave enough to demonstrate their cold selves to others. So they never do it and pretend to be welcoming, charming, and nice guys. They hate this social mask like hell, but they need it to get to the top. They hook you to get your resources — for them, this small show is like a deal to acquire you. The exclusive right to use you — it’s all they dream about. Not you as a personality…

Disclaimer. This blog post is written by a former victim, not a psychology genius.

They hypnotize you because they have researched your hobbies and preferences. They pretend to be your perfect match. If you like movies, they will play a cinema goer, if you like running — you’ll see them taking part in a marathon, if you like poetry, they will bomb you with quotes from your favorite authors. Don’t get fooled. They simply buy a thing for themselves telling you what you expect to hear most. They feel angry as they have to be polite and nice. The more they dance around to please you the more cruelty they will invest in their revenge afterward. They will acquire that property (you) to destroy it (you again!) — that’s their joy, feeling of ownership, 100% control, and superiority. Expect the smashing phase, seriously.

Don’t be fooled by the courtesy period. The predator’s goal is to consume you. Photo source: Unsplash

Objectivation: What Does It Look Like?

Predators conceal their absence of normal feelings quite well, but at times you can see that they feel no respect for you. Despite all the lies about their exceptional business interest or fantastic love, you will see them forgetting your name. You will spot them taking the only vacant seat and not caring about you. You will be amazed by them talking about your recent surgery with a long face and then making you work day and night. You’ll feel uneasy because of their “almost-okay” jokes humiliating you.

On the contrary, they’ll immediately recall your name when they need you as a human service getting things done for them. They may call you in the night asking to solve their problems. They will disturb you during weekends and vacations if you work for them. They will treat you as if you are still working for them years after your official departure. They will marry your best friend after all the love oaths given to you and then ask you to organize the wedding ceremony — it all will look alright to them. They treat you like a pen or hammer, something that they can put onto the shelf and take back whenever they need your skills.

Objectivation: Why Does It Work?

Aggressors target certain groups of people who are obedient, conforming, and praise-oriented. They also like to “save” people from dangerous life situations. Your troubles give them a great chance to act as a noble savior, a knight, or Robin Hood protecting the poor. (Much later, this episode will be driving you crazy. You’ll be beaten and destroyed by this very person who once called you the dearest friend or the love of their life.) If you are lonely, have physical disabilities, or a mental disorder, they will consider you a low-hanging fruit they can harvest. Their search resembles the search of a new radical sect member…

So, they pick a person with great patience and high pain threshold able to tolerate any kind of cruelty. Good people tend to have doubts if they are good enough. Being cursed and never praised, they start to think if they hurt the beloved aggressor. This will distract them from the fact that they are used and even exploited. Practicing torture, accusing the victim of all evil things, playing tricks and jokes, gaslighting, and distorting facts, the aggressor will achieve their goal. The victim will accept torture. The victim will consider it a well-deserved punishment. The victim will sacrifice themselves to the Master, ignoring the needs of their own body, mind, family, etc. The Master will become the owner of this flesh and blood and will be able to exploit the victim to death.

Objectivation: Real-World Examples

Slaves have no say. Abuse victims have no right to object and be heard. They are in a situation of forced consent. At home, they have to stand a flow of humiliating statements “for the sake of kids” as the abuser leverages divorce threats and financial superiority. At work, the abuser also has a position of power, and you will be forced to deal with both overworking and cruel jokes, if not gender-based or sexual harassment. The NXIVM cult case and Harvey Weinstein scandal are two examples where victims were silenced for years. People got branded, trafficked, and treated as property. Why do victims remain silent? It happens because you need time to realize that what was served to you as an ‘okay’ thing, was actually an act of violence. It’s hard to accuse someone of harassing behavior when you have Stockholm syndrome — and abusers are great at producing this effect. They will tell you that you were okay and fine with what’s happening, but in fact you were trapped. The abuser looks so powerful. You look so small to yourself. That’s why it often takes years to accept the fact of abuse.

Objectivation also means that you are treated as a body with some functions. Historian Sokolov made his girlfriend and ex-student Anastasia Yeshchenko work instead of him writing articles and checking students’ works on his behalf. When she made an attempt to escape from him, he took her life and dismembered her body. Sokolov simply felt superior enough to do so, not caring much about yet another student, but getting angry because of the possible property loss. This might sound awful, however, predators do objectivate victims. If they could see them as fellow humans, they would be unable to destroy them.

The serial killer Andrey Chikatilo was also taking the body parts from his victims whom he regarded as objects. He killed 50+ people, including several kids. The police were surprised by the fact that some of Chikatilo’s adult victims went 5+ kilometer distances in the woods at night following him. The killer looked overly nice and charming, so the soon-to-be-murdered trusted him. He enjoyed 100% control and practiced his cruelty. When you see someone with a thirst for superiority and control, you see a potential criminal. Many abusers will end up like this as they don’t feel guilt or see anything wrong in destroying other human objects.

Aggressors don’t feel guilt. If they have no fear of punishment, they can kill you. Photo source: Unsplash

Objectivation: How to Protect Yourself from It?

Whatever the situation is, think twice before accepting help from a stranger. Especially if the stranger knows your weaknesses (aka preferences) too well. Beware if they confess that they researched you or hunted you specifically. It sounds flattering but it promises no good. Ask yourself why on Earth this brilliant person all of a sudden decided to seduce a lonely mom or a poor student, hire a victim of another evil boss after years of mobbing, or send a job offer to a person who survived burndown. Sadists like wounded people and catch them when they are in despair. Turn your critical thinking on and don’t miss the red flags.

Watch out for the sudden flashes of anger. Watch out for the predator becoming too forgetful when it comes to important things like your name, money, healthcare, or life insurance. Get closer to their valetry — other servants of your aggressor will most likely look exhausted and insane. You won’t be an exception. In a couple of years, you’ll get the same ‘old toy’ status and all the kicks in the ass. Keep your ears open — other servants quitting their service will unmask the aggressor for you. If it all resembles a cult of the Saint Charismatic Leader, escape the earlier the better. You’ll soon learn which games those leaders play. You’ll discover that the leader is the only human, and the others are supposed to be functions and property.

You can try pulling your dignity and respect back, and it won’t be easy. You’ll have to constantly push back and provide some response to the aggressor’s pokes and punches. You’ll strive to take a unique position making the aggressor depend on your talent, network, whatever. You’ll have to create an independent world of yours though the predator will do their best to occupy all your time and eat up all your resources. You’ll become a Cinderella organizing a rebellion against the Stepmother. For a limited time period, it might work. In the long run, it will exhaust you even more — the aggressor will double and triple the pressure when they see that you are not loyal enough. Keep your dignity and then get out of the exploiter’s trap.

Conclusion

Do you really need someone who treats you as their property? Do you fancy to be a set of useful functions, not a human being? Do you agree to deal with someone not caring for your desires, personality, health, calmness, and happiness? Staying beside the aggressor, regardless of their role in your life, will bring you a lot of suffering. Be they your boss at work or your spouse at home, they’ll consume all you have and then throw you away. As they don’t have healthy emotions, they will soon find someone else to replace you and be tortured instead of you. You’d better take action earlier and stop depending on them while you still have some resources to start a new life. You’ll be amazed by how wonderful it will be without that toxic predator. Fill it with joy, do what you want. Meet your friends, launch your projects. Smile!