The Danger of Call-Out Culture in the Sex-Positive Community
By: Yael Wolfe
Tags: Culture, Sexuality, Self, Relationships, Growth

The Danger of Call-Out Culture in the Sex-Positive Community

Are we taking things too far?

Photo by Bruna Rodriguez Torralba on Scopio

“I’m so sick of women posting photos of their dildos and thinking they’re all sex-positive and woke. People just want to do the fun stuff when it comes to being in this industry. No one wants to do the work.”

I’ve heard this endless amounts of times in my social media circles, lately. Sometimes with even more critical and downright insulting language.

I find myself questioning if some of it is going too far — especially when it comes to people talking about sex, writing about sex, and doing healing work around sexuality.

Are we failing to be sex-positive with the widespread vocalization of our judgments of other people’s inner work around sexuality?

What’s “the work?”

This term, “the work,” is making the rounds these days. I think the general consensus is that it means “deep self-explorations and emotional audits.” And taking responsibility for oneself and the biases that our culture and experiences taught us. And moving on with a broader, more compassionate, more inclusive lens on life.

“The work,” though is taking on new meaning as it barrels through different social landscapes, different industries, different groups and subgroups.

When it comes to people whose work is part of the sex-positive movement or sex wellness, what does “the work” mean? No, really. What exactly does it entail?

I’m sure there are a lot of things that many of us would touch on here: healing our histories with sexual trauma, for instance, or identifying our biases and toxic mindsets around sexuality, or actively unpacking our sexual shame.

But also…there’s a lot of emotional, social, and spiritual “stuff” around human sexuality within a puritanical, patriarchal, white supremacist culture and an endless amount of ways that “stuff” manifests within each of us.

So why are we acting like there’s a recipe here that we’re all supposed to follow to become sexually woke? Why are we acting like there’s approved course material around sex-related speaking, educating, writing, or healing that is universally recognized?

What does anyone know about someone else’s journey?

When people talk about this, especially on social media, sending their message out into the universe, I always want to ask: Who exactly are you talking to? These criticisms made toward an unidentified group of people don’t feel very helpful to me. In fact, I fear those who are just starting their journey might internalize this in those insecure first steps toward their own liberation and pause or slow down because of that.

So here we are, using the considerable influence of a large social media platform to make criticisms of unidentified people’s journey to sexual liberation. And that helps how?

I’m not sure that’s doing anything but creating more judgment around people’s sexuality and sexual journeys. Because, and let’s be very clear about this: another person’s sexual journey is none of anyone’s business. And where they are in that journey might not be (probably will not be) apparent to an outsider even if they share a lot about their sexuality in very public ways.

I really think that we need to explore this tendency to judge, monitor, or criticize people’s journey of sexual liberation within the sex-positive community. Because it doesn’t seem very sex-positive to me.

Why are we so focused on other people’s journey?

I know there are good educators and healers and writers out there who feel this way because they are worried about the impact made by someone entering the field who is only in it to make a buck (Ha! Good luck with that!) or who still has a lot of toxic biases around sexuality.

But you know what? It’ll be okay.

We can’t try to hold up a perimeter around this space out of fear that people will come in and make all kinds of messes. First of all, no one owns this space and secondly, people are going to come in and make a mess everywhere they go because we’re human and that’s what we do.

But here’s the good news: It doesn’t matter.

If someone is in this for money or social clout, their followers will eventually see through the mask. Anyone who is not the “real deal” will not be able to trick people for long.

Tricksters, posers, and phonies aren’t going to permanently damage the entire sex-positive community or the intentions of this movement. They’re not ultimately going to negatively affect the bottom line of anyone who is in this for the long haul. And if they screw up and make mistakes…well, guess what? We all have. They deserve the same opportunity to mess up, misstep, flounder, and fall down.

Yes, we need people who are strong, committed, and rooted in the desire for everyone’s sexual liberation to participate in this community. But the ones who are not will not stick around for long.

Where’s the “positive” in sex-positive?

Ultimately, I think we can do a little better in the sex-positive community. Yes, we can — and should — hold ourselves to high standards. We can ask others — without expectation — to hold themselves to high standards. And, just as important, we can make room for those who haven’t hit that bar yet.

I’m not sure who it helps to criticize vague groups of unidentified people whose progress in their journey to sexual liberation we profess to know.

Ultimately, we have our own work to do, don’t we? Maybe we can leave other people to their journeys and get back to work. People’s actions will speak for them and everything will sort itself out, accordingly.

On that note, I should probably stop criticizing vague groups of unidentified people and get back to work because what other people are doing really isn’t my business…

© Yael Wolfe 2020