Today I Would Be Celebrating My 12th Wedding Anniversary . . .
By: Jessica Bugg
Tags: Divorce, Love, Parenting, Relationships, Marriage

It’s kind of surreal when this day comes up every year. Sort of bittersweet. My mother had warned me about getting married around Christmas time. It’s great when it works out but kinda hard when it doesn’t. She spoke from experience having married on New Year’s Eve to my brother’s father and later divorcing him. She warned me it could make the holidays strange.

She was right. It has.

My exhusband is an incredible father, very intelligent, well read, diplomatic, comes from a very good family, and for a time we had a life together. Now other than exchanging texts about the girls, we do not.

You Only Get Married For The First Time Once . . .

A running joke in my family due to the prevalence of failed first marriages (ironically, we seem to do well with marriage #2 as a tradition)

My former in-laws hated that phrase. They said they marry for life. No option for divorce.

When I brought up the idea of a prenuptial agreement I was shot down immediately. No one gets divorced in their family.

Maybe that’s why some of them look so sad, like the sparkle of life is gone.

I ended up conceding and not going through with the prenup. This would later bite me in the ass when we got divorced but we can save that portion of the story for another time.

Why We Failed (or maybe how I failed)

We got married very young. We dealt with challenges of starting careers, raising kids, little money, and just a lot of stress. He began isolating himself away from the rest of us.

I got used to eating dinner alone or with the kids. I don’t know what he ate for dinner. He was never there or if he was, was in another room.

He was so miserable. Miserable with having a family. He even told me once

I hate having a family.

Which is kind of sad. But I am a problem solver.

I Cared Enough To Ask For The Divorce

He was so sad, depressed, and miserable. I couldn’t live that way anymore. So one day, I sat him down and said

I love you enough to recognize that you are unhappy with me and having a life with me. I want you to go and find someone who makes you happy. You deserve that. I want a divorce.

And He Hated That

Now he didn’t want a divorce. He wanted me to stay so I told him in order to stay it would be under three conditions:

1) Be nice to me.

2) We go on dates at least once a month without children.

3) And we have better sex and more of it.

His response:

What’s in it for me?

And I responded with

Your family

The End

We would later divorce in a heated upset frenzy. Me finally choosing freedom and trying to give it to him which is what he said he wanted, and him trying to desperately cling to the family he rejected.

When the divorce was final. We talked in private for one last time.

I told him

You are an excellent father. Just a terrible husband.

His response

You will be remembered as being a failure as a wife and a mother

But I Didn’t Care

I had heard enough terrible things about myself. The funny thing about being put down a lot is eventually you become indifferent.

The insults only hurt really bad the first hundred times.

I sold my stuff and packed my bags. Our divorce was final on a Thursday and I moved to Jacksonville on a Saturday with a man who told me I was beautiful and always wanted to spend time with me and the girls.

Now

Now me and my ex have a cordial working relationship after years of arguing, fighting, and some jail time served by both parties (another story for another time).

My ex is doing well. He seems happier than I remember him being. He’s dating which I think is awesome.

I hope he finds the woman of his dreams out there. I know she’s out there.

Today is the one day of the year I am kind of sad that the woman wasn’t me. That we couldn’t make things work. But we only get one shot at the merry-go-round and I refused to live miserable.

And I’m so much happier now and so is he.