A Tried-And-Tested Way To Resolve Fights With Your Partner
By: Vaishali Gauba
Tags: Conflict, Relationships, Love, Writing, Couples

A Tried-And-Tested Way To Resolve Fights With Your Partner

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For more times than I am comfortable admitting, I’ve been in a situation with my partner where a partly-loaded comment turned into a disagreement, which quickly spiraled into a full-blown fight, leaving at least one of us with a

head-scratcher — wait a second, how did we even get here?

If this has also happened to you, then you know that in such tense situations, people can say things they don’t mean, simply out of retaliation or in order to protect themselves.

A therapist once told me that the urge to react is also a sign of ego because we can’t accept that someone said something negative about us or to us. I felt that.

When a trivial argument intensifies into a quarrel or fight, it can also be extremely difficult to stop because we feel angry and want to get our point across. The situation can further clench up if our partner doesn’t listen to what we’re saying and intervenes or vice-a-versa.

In such a situation, a frequently advised trick is to step away from the conversation and revisit it once both people have calmed down.

Yet, that doesn’t always work either.

In my case, I realized that either I or my partner hadn’t used that time out to think about what really happened or about a solution. There was a high chance that we would have the same argument again when we reconvened and that leads to …

Uggggghhhhhh. Yep, the frustration only mounts.

Until recently.

But before I get to it, I must say that I am not a relationship expert, psychologist or love guru. Whatever I say below is purely from personal experience and a little bit from being in a relationship for over 10 years. And this method worked for us — a heterosexual unmarried couple in their late 20s.

So here we go.

I figured out a way to resolve a conflict or reconvene after a couple’s quarrel— one that led to a positive outcome for us. And it’s really simple.

Writing.

Instead of having a verbal conversation after a heated argument, I proposed to him that we have a written discussion. Here’s what I mean by that:

1. Start a two-way written discussion:

After having the fight (few hours or a day or whatever suits you), I simply asked him if we could text instead of speaking on the phone (we’re in a long-distance relationship right now so those are our only options).

Yes, I had to fight the urge to call him but I realized that was once again more for me to let out my feelings than for the sake of the relationship.

I did this over WhatsApp but you can choose to do it over simple text messages or email etc.

2. Ask your partner how they’re feeling:

Again, the temptation to jump straight into reiterating what happened during the argument can be strong. But, I started slow.

I asked him if he had the time to talk to me, and when he said yes, I first asked him how he was.

This can help your partner feel that while the fight may have impacted both of you, it’s not above their well-being. Also, it helps ease into the conversation like any other ice-breaker.

Of course, you can still follow this during a phone/in-person conversation but I’ll soon explain why writing is the better way around.

3. Write about “your” feelings:

After exchanging howdies, I started off by telling him what I had been thinking during the time we took to calm down. Here, I ensured that I wasn’t talking about him but myself. I did this by using words like “I” and “me” or even “we” rather than “you.”

For example, instead of saying, you were rude to me, I would say, I felt that you spoke in a rude manner, something that isn’t usually like you. (Yes, I still use “you” but notice the difference?)

In this article, Dr. Deborah D. Dyer, a psychologist, explains:

“Leading with the word ‘you’ nearly instantly creates a defensive posture in your partner, who then goes into a strategy to defend themselves the minute you stop talking. By owning your own thoughts and feelings about the situation, you immediately reduce the defensiveness in your partner because they aren’t feeling blamed or criticized.”

4. Offer solutions:

While it’s easy to dwell on how the fight made you feel or how your partner’s words were not nice, the real motive of the conversation is to resolve and move on.

It can only happen healthily if we try to focus on the solution.

So, I offered a solution in my text to him. It can sound something as simple as:

I think it’d be better if we didn’t assume that whatever the other person is saying is only to attack us. It could also be real feedback, and that’s a chance for us to reflect on ourselves.

Hey, I think next time we feel that a conversation is spiraling, maybe we just mutually hang up the phone for 10 minutes and then resume via writing?

You get the point.

Offering a solution while stating the problem can show your partner that you’re invested in the relationship and willing to make amends.

P.S. Do this only if you are really invested in the relationship and not looking for a way out of it.

5. Ask questions:

Remember that the written conversation is two-way, and you should ask for your partner’s opinion.

I would ask him what he thought of my solution, or what did he use the time out for.

You can also ask if they’re feeling hurt about something, and what would make them feel better.

Asking questions is a way to show that you care about your partner’s opinion and feelings with regards to whatever happened.