The mental health system in upstate NY made me sick.
By: Corey J Polesel
Tags: Self Harm, Suicide, Mental Health, Psychiatric Hospitals, PTSD

The mental health system in upstate NY made me sick. I am a transman. I suffered from gender dysphoria all my life. I, unfortunately came of age well before the word transgender was even used. The word then was transsexual and it was spoken in hushed tones.

I had a dream to go to college, become an oceanographer and join the US Navy. I started out at a downstate college and soon into the indoctrination week, the pressure of being the “weirdo” coupled with my aversion to being placed in a female dorm, sent me into a couple of panic attacks. The college dismissed me. The NROTC scholarship went away with it. I was too open about who I was. I lost everything. I soon became very depressed. I went to see a counselor and mentioned feeling like I would be better off dead. That began my in and out revolving door relationship with the psych center.

After my first round with the center I was released for almost a day. They placed me, in of all places, the YWCA. I had told them I couldn’t bear to be placed in female housing. They didn’t listen. I was told that they didn’t deal with gender issues so I wasn’t to bring them up. I was to focus on treating my depression.

I wound up institutionalized. I was stuck there for three years straight. I lost everything. I had no place to go and couldn’t find a place because of where I was. By that time though I had become dependent on the institution: I didn’t want to go. So I languished.

I too was loaded with every medicine possible. I was placed in seclusion and medicated into a zombie state quite often. I was placed in restraints also frequently. I went from about 155lbs to over 260lbs in those three years. (1982–1985)I was raped, mistreated and emotionally destroyed.

I had never self harmed before but I learned how to do it there. The only issue I had when I arrived at the hospital, was gender dysphoria and the depression that accompanied it. When I left I was a train-wreck.

The treatment team decided that I had to be harboring some deep dark secret so they decided to perform a “sodium amytal interview” on me. In this you are given sodium amytal (similar to truth serum sodium pentothal) which places you in a hypnotic like state. That, not only allows a person to relay subconscious thoughts, but it allows subconscious thoughts to be made.

Shortly after that I began to have traumatic memories. I remembered things happening to me that I knew could not have happened. However I still experienced the mental and emotional trauma from them. I lived them in my mind. I still have those unreal memories. My past is a blur to me. I know some things are real and some aren’t but my memory is forever messed up.

I too, went through a half way house and then a supportive apartment program after being released. I had many relapses in the first 10 years out of the hospital. My stays weren’t as long though, months not years.

It took a good cop who became a good friend and a good job to finally release me from the mental health system’s clutches. Slowly I started to live life. I even began to transition.

I had been fine for nearly 20 years, transitioned with a good career job in public safety. I came out as trans, as gay and even as Pagan. I was me and I was ok with who I was. I even chaired the local Pride festival committee. I graduated from college twice and from the police academy. Then the bottom fell out of my world.

My employer has hired a bigot to be my boss. Slowly I was being railroaded right onto the unemployment line. I was held to ridiculously high standards, given orders I couldn’t follow for lack of resources but nonetheless I was held accountable. I was let go in May of 2014. It was all downhill from there.

I found a couple of jobs ( not in my field because the waters had been poisoned for me). I still do not make a living wage though. I worked 7 days a week and sunk deeper and deeper in debt. I also sunk deeper and deeper into depression.

I went to see a counselor. I had not been in therapy for a while. I didn’t need it. I was having suicidal thoughts. I even began to act upon them but stopped myself. I shouldn’t have stated that. I wound up being forcefully brought to the hospital. The police picked me up at work! I was brought to the hospital. I was treated like a criminal. I was forced to strip, give up all my possessions and don paper pajamas. I lost it. I was back in the lions den. I began having flashbacks, anxiety attacks, panic. I had PTSD, a remnant of my stays in the psych center. I was released but brought back a couple of more times unfortunately. Each time made me worse.

I am still working 7 days a week. I am again on a medication roller coaster. Nothing helps. I am severely depressed and intermittently suicidal. I am buried in debt, having relentless intrusive memories of being locked up and helpless. I have been cutting and burning myself every day almost for the past several months. My arms, thighs and belly are raw and painful. I can’t stop. I feel if I do I will kill myself.

I made it out of this abyss before in the 1990’s but I am 56 years old now. The prospects are much more limited now. I am not likely to make it. I need to be in a hospital where I can get real treatment. Where I can disrupt this downward spiral. However I can’t be on a locked ward or in paper PJs. I need to keep my dignity and be treated for what’s wrong with me. Not for what is wrong with everyone else in a psych ward. I do not need to be restricted: I want help. Just as a person with a head injury doesn’t need a leg cast, I shouldn’t have to be incarcerated in a place that triggers my PTSD to get treatment.