You Grow, Girl! (or Guy)
By: Aubrey Cole
Tags: Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse, Healing From Trauma, Domestic Abuse, Narcissistic Abuse

You Grow, Girl! (or Guy)

As I told you a couple of weeks ago, one of the subjects we’ll be exploring at length is the concept of letting go and moving on. This is one of the hardest parts of abuse recovery because of your programming. Abused partners are used to planning their every move, thought and reaction in anticipation of what their abuser may or may not do. Like a continuous game of Stratego, you wait to see what your abuser’s “mood” is or what his or her reactions are like before deciding on your own actions. This does not magically change once you have liberated yourself from the abuse. Especially if you have children with your abuser, you are in the perilous position of having to deal with a heightening of the abuse (this will ALWAYS happen when your abuser realizes you aren’t backing down this time) while trying to protect the children and do the right things for them.

Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny. – Steve Maraboli

In my case, once my ex-husband realized that I was not backing down, about a month before the divorce was actually final, the cycle of abuse began again, but with all new tactics and topics. This is when it really gets tricky in your abuse recovery. Your daily life/routine may be free of this person for the most part, and you will have times of quiet and cooperation, but I want you to understand that this is the calm before the storm. Don’t obsess about this or worry every minute that your abuser is going to pounce on you, but in the course of your own growth, I promise you that every time your abuser perceives you to grow and/or move on, there will be retaliation. Be prepared. How? Be joyful! That’s right… I said to be joyful! Look at every step you’ve taken forward!

Sure Signs You Are Moving On

One Saturday afternoon, I was working on a paper for my graduate school class while my daughters played with friends. I suddenly received a string of texts from Captain Crazy (C.C.) demanding to know if I was relocating to Florida. It was so off the wall that I couldn’t believe he was even asking it. I wondered who in the world had told him what and my primary concern was that my daughters would be fed this fictional information and would be upset by it. After a series of inquiries to which he responded that no one told him anything, I discovered that he had decided I was in a serious relationship with someone and would be relocating myself and my children to be with this person. Not only was it a self-absorbed breach of my privacy, it was so nuts I almost couldn’t contain my responses. Of all the things I will never, ever be doing, it’s moving myself and my amazing daughters in order to pursue a relationship. That was pretty clearly proven when I refused to allow myself to be isolated again by C.C. when he moved to New York and basically said, “Come or don’t come, but I’m going”. I saw my chance to get out and I took it.

One of the favorite tactics of abusers is their habit of accusing the now-departed partner of not “moving on”. It’s a type of flattery and self-involvement (narcissism) that is universal among abusers whose partners have finally mustered the courage and strength to get out of the relationship. It is how the abuser consoles his or her ego and attempts to continue the “one-upmanship” or control dynamic. Here’s the scary part when you are in recovery: you must know which things you do are warning signs of not moving on and which things you do are clearly signs of moving forward with your life. If you do not define these for yourself, it is easy to become reactive when accused of “obsessing” or “not moving on”. I know many people who are upset by this accusation so, being a person who loves concrete examples, here are a few for you to tell whether you are moving on or not:

Changing your last name in order to create a new identity separate from your abuser is a sign of moving on, if you are doing it because you want to be your own person.

Pursuing any dream, whether it be a new career path, going back to school, running a marathon, or just being able to sit on your deck in peace for the first time is a sign of moving on, if you are doing it for yourself and not as a means to “show him/her”.

Not getting into another relationship quickly is a sign of moving on. Yes, that says NOT getting into a relationship. Research has shown time and time again that those who become involved in another relationship too soon after leaving an abusive one a) feel retaliatory (yeah? I’ll show you!) and b) are likely to be with another abuser or equally psychologically unhealthy person.

Dating heavily too soon after leaving an abusive relationship is a sign of NOT moving on. Again, extensive research has shown that abused partners who begin dating soon after a breakup (soon is defined by experts as within 1–3 years, depending on the length of the relationship) is a sign of retaliation, not moving on.

Checking on what your abuser is doing, or having others check for you and report back is a sign of not moving on unless… and this is a big caveat… you feel you are in need of ways to document and protect yourself or your children from further abuse (and you are not breaking any laws to do it). Simply wanting to know or checking up is a sign that you need something else to do that’s positive for yourself.

Making light of the situation is a sign of moving on! If you can make jokes or state positives about your life, you are moving on.

There are many, many more examples but you get the picture. This is where the “gut check” comes in, as well. (See Gut Check, Aisle 1!) You will know in your gut if you are being obsessive or preoccupied with what your now-dumped abuser is doing.

You Grow By Naming Your Challenge

One other thing I want to mention based on some other discussions I have had with fellow survivors. Please pay attention to this if you are in any kind of counseling, on medication or both, being treated for psychological symptoms. Naming your challenge (mine is C-PTSD) or acknowledging that something really bad happened to you and talking about it is an absolute, definite, unmistakable sign of moving on. Once you have mustered the courage to stand up and say, “This happened to me, it was not okay and I’m not going to allow it anymore”, you have taken one of the biggest steps toward moving on that can ever be measured.

Remember that the “crazy-making” (a term some psychologists use to describe how the abuser operates) is about continued attempts at control, “superiority” and feeding the ego. The extreme narcissism that drives the vast majority of emotional abusers not only doesn’t stop when the relationship ends, it frequently increases and will result in you hearing over and over that you need to “move on” or “let go”. My friends, the sheer fact that you can gather the kind of courage to step out in faith, say enough is enough and end your abuser’s reign of terror is the first way you will know for sure you are moving on. Believe it.