How knowing my diagnosis has changed my life
By: Rozemarijn Van Kampen
Tags: Mental Health, Autism, Neurodiversity, Psychology

How Knowing My Diagnosis Has Changed My Life

And I’m still learning every day

In February 2020, I heard the news that while I checked all the boxes, I would not be diagnosed with autism. It would close too many doors, they said. That, however, did not stop me. I started seeing myself as a neurodivergent person, and it has changed my life in many ways.

I started following my gut

The first thing that changed for me is that I started listening to my gut. Before, I knew I often had a meltdown when I had too many appointments planned for one day, but I never tried to change it. Now, I only plan one appointment a day.

I also take a break when I notice I’m getting too overstimulated. I’m a freelancer, so when I have a deadline for the day, I try to finish as much as I can without burning myself out. If that doesn’t work, I let my client know that I can’t complete the deadline. They never mind, as I always keep clear communication. I’m still afraid to disappoint them, but I learned to put myself first in that aspect.

This doesn’t mean that I never have meltdowns anymore; I just have a better understanding of my boundaries and limits. Sometimes I cross those, but that happens, and I allow myself to take the day off during those moments.

I started medication

By sheer coincidence, I found out that Ritalin worked well for me to process stimuli and information. I get less overwhelmed, and I’m able to continue working for longer periods of time, rather than needing a break every half hour. As a bonus, it helps to keep my IBS in check.

My therapist supported this fully but was not in a position to prescribe it. My doctor did not want to prescribe it without an official diagnosis, and a psychiatrist did not want to prescribe it as “Ritalin is unusual in people with autism.”

While it did get me down for a short amount of time, I eventually switched doctors. I went to my childhood doctor and explained the situation. He, hesitantly, I must say, gave me a prescription with the promise that I come in every now and then to have some bloodwork done. I know not everyone is in a position to be able to go and get a prescription for medicine, but this really made functioning easier for me.

The people in my social circle understand me.

While I have always had great friends and supportive family members, it can be hard to deal with a neurodivergent person when you don’t know that they’re neurodivergent.

Since I’ve known about my autism, practically everyone knows. I’m very open about it too. It has helped my family to understand me, and my friends not to take it personally when I don’t see them for a while (even though the current state of the world has made that an easy choice…).

For me, this means that I don’t have to mask when I’m with others. I can tell them when I’m getting too tired, and I can tell them when I’m overstimulated. I’m still working on a method where my partner and I can communicate better when I’ve shut down. It’s not perfect yet, but it’s already made a big difference in our communication.

I’ve started to discover myself

My therapist calls it “going through puberty,” and it has its ups and downs.

Right now, I’m at a point in my life where I finally start to discover myself again. For years, I’ve been dressing quite neutral, I’ve been conforming to an ideal picture of what I thought people wanted me to be, and I’ve stayed quiet when something didn’t feel right. Now, I’ve gotten to know so much more about myself, and it’s a whole new world!

I’ve recently cut off the majority of my hair and went with a short, curly cut. I’m planning on getting a few extra tattoos and piercings of things that interest me once everything is safe again, and I’ve even dyed part of my hair green. A colour my mom never let me have when I was younger. I’ve also been buying new clothes in a completely different style than I was used to, and I love it.

However, the changes aren’t only physically. I’ve started changing mentally, as well. Growing and becoming more outspoken. I’ve grown immensely agitated with the current social systems and capitalism, and I have quite a few rants in my drafts, ready to be edited and published. I’m more open about injustice, racism, sexism, ableism, and more. I am not good at verbal confrontation, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t speak out online.

Because of all these mental and physical changes, my meltdowns have increased over the past month or two. However, I know that this will pass, especially when I allow myself to go through these changes until I find something that works for me. I’ve even started to identify as non-binary since that makes me feel more comfortable than calling myself a woman. It’s all part of my self-exploration, and I try to enjoy it thoroughly.

The takeaway

I’m not close to being perfect, and I will probably never stop having meltdowns every now and then. That’s okay, it’s part of being neurodivergent (at least, for me). But knowing my diagnosis, whether official or not, has made so many changes in my life that allowed me to grow and explore myself.

Through the internet, I’ve found many people with similar experiences, and people who deal with their diagnosis differently. It’s very enriching and validating to see. I know that everyone deals with their diagnosis differently, but I hope that this story gives a new perspective to those struggling to accept their diagnosis.