“things that aren’t discussed enough about eating disorders”
By: Mia Sustek
Tags: Eating Disorders, Eating Disorder Recovery, Recovery, Mental Health, Family

i’ve been seeing that statement on my tiktok a lot- followed by a video montage of hospital bands, IVs, breakdowns, and sickly pictures. but to me, this stuff is discussed a lot with eds.and i cannot help but to feel like these videos are just their eating disorder seeking validation. and doing more harm than good. anyone who suffers (suffered) from an eating disorder knows how competitive they are. and i know, if i was still under the control of my eating disorder, those videos would just add fire, making me not feel ‘sick’ enough. so let’s talk about something that truly isn’t discussed a lot. and that is- how eating disorders affect one’s family. these last two months, i have gained a lot of control back from my ed, and i finally feel like i can breath. but for my mom, she still can’t catch her breath. although she hates to admit it, she lives in constant fear that one day she will lose her daughter to this demon. seeing me sick was traumatizing. and i know she blames herself a lot. if only she didn’t let it go on for so long, or maybe, if she didn’t let me get away with so many behavours, i wouldn’t have ended up in the hospital. she was/is lost and confused. she thought she knew her daughter. but i wasn’t her daughter anymore, i was this stranger being controlled by something so deadly. with everything unraveling so fast, no one was able to catch their breath. when i started recovery for the first time, i could imagine she started getting glimspes of air. but i, the whole time, was faking and lying. taking her trust and ability to breath away, once again. she sees me now, eating, but that fear still lurks within her, feeling like as she will never be able to put her gaurd down again. my mom is someone who is no stranger to mental illness, she, herself survived a traumtic childhood. i watched as pulled herself out of hell. i saw such a beautiful soul surrounded by such darkness. all i ever wanted was to bring her happiness, i wanted her to know how loved she was. she worked for so many years to become the best verison of herself for me and my famiy, and herself. and my illness, took her many steps back, beginning to live in a constant state of fear again. i could hurt myself a hundred times and never feel the slightest bit of remorse. but to hurt her like that again, being aware of what i am doing to her mental state, is something i that will pain me more than words can describe. so let your family be a reason to never go down that road again, or be a reason to get help. and i know that many don’t have close relationships with their parents, but let your siblings, cousins, pets, whomever you spend your time with, be that reminder. because if you think, for even a second, that this doesnt affect them, you are wrong. feeling my mom cry and hug my sleeping body, watching her breakdown in the stairs, car, and living room all steaming from that feeling of losing me, is something i will never forget. all i can do, is try to forgive myself, for i didn’t know any better. and take all the steps nesscary to never put me/her back into a place like that again. i write about my mom as she is the only one brave enough to be honest with me. and tell me how much my illness fucked her up. it is a hard thing to do, so if no one has opened up, know they do care.