Distortion is what you make it.
Tags: Anxiety, Lifestyle, Moms, Self Help, Blogger

Today, I’m skipping a beat because I feel this is something I’ve been thinking a lot about. I will return to the saga of Emily’s shit show soon enough but today here’s where my head is.

First things first, directions…. does anyone really understand them? How do you just know where North is? Also, how can you navigate on a 5 lane highway and be like oh here’s my exit without the lady’s gps voice haunting you in 1000 feet take exit 20b. Like no. Or my favorite is how can a road be a road DISCONNECT then after 35 turns and 2 towns later you find it again? I’d be screwed without gps. Might as well put me in the Oregon Trail game to fend for myself.

On a serious non squirrel moment I’ve realized I’ve been posting a lot of selfies lately. It kinda bothers me but in the same sense it doesn’t because looking back at how I started this year viewing myself I never would have posted a picture out of confidence. It would have been to see if my boyfriend thought I looked ok or if he was still attracted to me. Disappointing but the truth. This month I have destroyed my closet and dresser bagging up 90% of my clothing because it didn’t feel like me and to be completely honest I wasn’t even that upset about the money I had wasted on them because I was so damn happy to finally know my style. What makes me feel good, what speaks to me and what just has Emily written all over it. I don’t need to buy every new style under the sun to see if once it arrives I’ll love it and wear it over and over (which didn’t happen). Until ….. I took the time and invested in myself. I know what I want and how to own it. That’s a feeling I’ve been searching for this whole time. To find myself. Not feel lost. At least I can mark the wardrobe box as a success. Now onto my life purpose, but in the mean time I haven’t lost weight. If anything maybe gained a few pounds. I can only eat white carbs and a bunch of boring crap. Thank you colitis for that shitty meal plan. Pun fully intended. And by no means do I work out. I should but yesterday I did 15 squats, a round of high knees, over into jumping jacks and thought I was going to pass out so I called it quits. While, I did wake up with a sore booty that goes to show how out of shape I am but I do want to note becoming more healthy with movement and food is on my list.

Anyway, I buy all these clothes try them on and I’m in love. Not with the clothes but with myself and how I feel in them. To be blunt I feel fucking amazing. These are outfits I never would have thought of trying on or at that wearing them in public but I do because I feel bomb in them. It’s so weird though, my make up looks better to where I actually stopped wearing some of it and go more natural. My hair sits so gently in the right spots and I often just blow dry and leave it alone. I’m the freaking person who can get ready including a shower in 35 minutes. Never did I think I’d see that day. In high school I’d have to get up at 6 to be hauling my butt to make by 8. That’s because my hair was all wrong, clothes didn’t sit right, nothing was right when In reality I wasn’t seeing myself right.

The beginning of this year, I took a selfie and sent it to my friend pointing out my big thighs, round face with

a double chin that I barely had to look down to get, how my arms could help me fly to Canada with the wings they have on them, how my butt is too big, the list goes on. It was everything. Everything was wrong. I even went the lengths of deleting social media for a while because I was so angry and embarrassed more than anything that I didn’t look like the other girls. That my boyfriend at the time seemed to notice them and by them I mean all the girls with the perfect abs and silk hair with piercing blue eyes. I resented them and some I didn’t even know all because I’m sitting next to him with a mom bod, mom boobs, and rolls feeling like shit about myself like what I had to offer wasn’t enough. Insecurity is a mother f*cker.

Wrong. I have spent every day since May working on me. Whether it’s been successful or a day of suckieness I still fall back into I’m not done. I have hit rough patches or been stuck but my goal and intention was and still is to keep going. Which means all this digging deep bull you read about seriously does wonders. I kept reading surround yourself with people who make you feel good is key.

1. Clearly I wasn’t doing that and

2. When I am feeling that insecure in my life already plus in my relationship it makes for an explosion. Which is what happened. Surprise!

But real talk, the day I finally looked into the mirror and saw beauty instead of a fat piece of crapola was a happy day. I even wrote it down in my journal … barf I know.

Bodies are made to move, relax, fold, eat, dance all sorts of fun crazy things. There’s no one size fits all. I r

ead a quote and I wish I could remember who wrote it so credit to them but it said something like “ if we all ate the same and worked out the same, we would still look different”. Can I get an amen? I’m gonna point out that if I did the same workout routine now that I did in high school I would not get my abs back because my body has aged and news flash had a kid. She’s almost 7 and my bff. I can stand up nice and tall and look like I have a flat stomach but the moment I sit there’s an overflow of body that it’s amazing to know where it all came rolling out of.

My point is this, I can give you one picture and tell you that if you handed me this picture a year ago I would have been in tears saying there’s too much armpit fat, look at those love handles, can we lose the butt please, why does my back have so much fat what’s even back there? Then of course, I’d cry and eat my feelings then bitch about it, gain more weight then starve myself for the next week to make up for it. All while making the worst mistake, asking who I was surrounding myself if I looked ok. Curled my hair, put on my booties feeling pretty cute for date night out with friends and I am told “no” you look like a lion. I don’t like that top. Mkay. No one was supporting me, not my closest person and not myself. Besides my step mommy. She has my back always but she’s a mom and it’s in the handbook she has to agree.

I look at that photo now as I just took it and I didn’t see anything wrong. Honestly which is pretty good considering I pretended like it was thanksgiving and maxed out at lunch. I mean that I was comfortable. When I said I should add workouts into my routine earlier, yeah to be healthy in general plus it’s good for anxiety but not so I can get ripped. I like who I am now. I’m proud of myself when it comes to how I look and feel. I had a set back and it’s been bothering me because I feel so stuck like all the work I’ve done has gone to waste but I’m hoping after a night of reflection and pointing out the difference even In this one case helps me feel more confident in my decisions ands moves. Anxiety can make you see and feel the worst in things which explains why I hated myself for the last few years even a little bit these past few weeks and always looked for reassurance and now, well now, I just spam my Facebook with selfies because it’s a good day for me and my hair.

Regardless of how off track I get or fear that I am failing I always have that as a reminder that I did what I had to do. Cutting people out who no longer serve good in my life,

scale back on drinking, take space and zero in on myself, figuring out my likes dislikes, who I want to be and who I don’t want to be. I made the right choice to start this journey and the days it feels like I’m getting no where that’s just a false feeling that my anxiety and worries are telling me to bring me back. It’s not the truth.

Mom bods are cool too and they are even better when the girl wearing rocks it. What these people are saying in the podcasts and posts about surrounding yourself with the right people, listen to them. They know their shit. I can say I fully believe I am a better person now then I was at the beginning of this year and all I did was change my who’s and followed what I wanted.

Heres to hoping this was the reminder I needed to feel love for myself again.