It’s okay not to feel okay
By: Lennon Cihak
Tags: Los Angeles, Pandemic, Depression, Anxiety, Covid

I think we can all agree on that. The global pandemic from COVID-19 has tested everyone’s sanity levels to one degree or another. Whether you’re living alone, with a significant other, kids, pets, or your parents, you’ve probably experienced every range of emotion — some of which you may have not experienced before. This is a trying time, and we’re going to come out changed from it. I know I am.

It’s okay to be happy, sad, depressed, anxious, nervous, distant, loved, hated, trapped, unwelcome, and everything in-between.

Seriously, though. It’s okay. I’ve experienced all of them during quarantine. I’ve been sad and depressed one week and anxious and distant the next week. Sometimes my emotions change daily. There are days where I wake up feeling like the Energizer bunny. There are other days I wake up feeling like Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh. Some days I’m in the middle. Some days I wake up feeling like the Energizer bunny and end up feeling like Eeyore by the end of the day.

I’m still figuring out exactly what’s causing the wild roller coaster ride that is my emotions. I’m still absorbing everything and allowing myself to experience all of the emotions and learn from them. I’ve allowed myself to hone in on a few. I can pinpoint certain tasks or places that trigger anxiety, sadness, nervousness, etc, and mitigate them. Sometimes I avoid it, which I know isn’t good. Oftentimes I challenge myself to push through it. And sometimes the weight of being overwhelmed is just too much to bear. That’s okay.

My partner, Kevin, and I have been trapped in a 466 square foot studio apartment for the past two months. We both live, work, sleep, and play (hehehe) in the same space. Every day. It sucks sometimes. We both need our own private space to enjoy our hobbies, and that doesn’t necessarily exist in a studio apartment. But we’ve made it work because we’ve had to. We’re both learning how each other work and what boundaries we need for each other. For example, if I’m working on music or a blog post, Kevin knows to leave me alone.

The daily tasks that were once an easy routine have now become a necessary evil.

It’s weird going to the grocery store and having to wear a mask over my face. It’s irritating if I forget my mask at home and can’t get into the store. It’s frustrating getting into the store after waiting in line for 30-minutes to find out they don’t have half the items on my list. It’s burdensome knowing that I can’t go to my favorite restaurants and sit down to have a romantic dinner/night out with Kevin on a Saturday evening.

I get maddened that I can’t be out networking with other music professionals. It burns my ass knowing that I can’t hang out with my friends. It stinks knowing that I can’t get out and travel with Kevin. I get saddened knowing that we can’t go and see movies. It makes me upset knowing that plans to see my family have been postponed/cancelled this year. That one hurts the most.

I. Fucking. Get. It!

I’m confused and uneasy about what the future looks like for me and society.

Again, this is a trying time for everyone. Our once normal lives came to a grinding halt just a few months ago. Our entire lives were flipped upside down almost overnight. The last two months have seemed like two years. I’m still trying to process it. I’m getting better as time goes by, but there are still so many things to learn about myself. It’s not easy.

Thankfully, I’ve been able to find outlets for myself. That’s made quarantine easier.

Just this past weekend I sat down and wrote a song. I churned it out in nearly six hours. It’s not totally complete, but it’s close. I have a few that are nearly ready for distribution (stay tuned!). I’ve been wanting to get back into writing more music consistently, and I really want to get into sync licensing. I’ve had an interest in it since I was in college and am now slowly setting things into motion.

I was also able to ramp up work on When Life Hands You Lennons and get some incredible guests on the show. I completely rebuilt this website. I fixed an issue I was having with some audio plugins I’ve had for years and hadn’t figured out. I’ve binge watched a few shows, and Kevin got me hooked on RuPaul’s Drag Race (if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?).

But it hasn’t all been raindrops, lollipops, and lactose free chocolate milk.

I learned that forcing myself to get things done only makes matters worse.

Trust me. When quarantine first started for me, I was going to make a laundry list of things that I wanted to accomplish while I’m locked in. It ranged from writing blog posts, playing and writing more music, learning a new digital audio workstation (I’m going to learn Ableton eventually), and simply reading a few books that I’ve purchased over the years.

As my laundry list of to-dos started turning into a CVS receipt, I became more anxious. Without knowing it, I was putting unnecessary pressure on myself to finish these things. I thought I was doing something good by setting myself up for an incredibly productive few weeks, months, or years. The stress of this laundry-list-turned-CVS-receipt bled into my personal and professional life, relationship, and sleep schedule. No bueno.

What was going to happen if I didn’t check everything off of this list? Absolutely nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. So what was I stressing about?

By setting myself up for success I was actually setting myself up for failure.

During a time like this I’ve learned that I can’t have long to-do lists. I’m a workaholic and sometimes get myself into a groove of checking things off my to-do list. It’s hard for me to stop, especially if things are going well.

But I realized that my mental health was deteriorating. Sure, I was incredibly productive and got a lot of stuff done. Was it done well and thoroughly? It was at the time. But going back to look at that work I could’ve done better if I was in a better state of mind. I forced myself, unknowingly, to do something I wasn’t mentally ready for.

You’ve gotta have gas in the car if you want to drive.

Get off social media and turn off the damn TV. It’s not helping.

I could go on and on about this. It’s daily(!) that I see someone complaining about something on Facebook and stirring an argument. Comment after comment someone’s sharing their opinion to “inform” someone else. The old “I’m right and you’re wrong” argument.

I get it. We’re all frustrated and need to vent and try to spread factual information, but social media may not be the best place to do it if you’re one that gets easily consumed by it.

I did read a good argument on Facebook last Friday when I was in line to get groceries at Costco. I digress.

That shit is so intoxicating — to you and me. By posting on social media you’re giving yourself a reason to log onto the platform and check your notifications to see how much action your post has gotten in hopes that someone with a differing viewpoint comments so you can stir an online argument and change their point of view. This will prove that you’re right and they’re wrong, and they’ll admit they were wrong and you can do a victory dance. Jokes.

You know what I mean. You’ll both walk away unscathed with the same opinion you had going into it. You might even be more irritated. Was it worth it?

According to the Addiction Center, “Social media platforms such as Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram produce the same neural circuitry that is caused by gambling and recreational drugs to keep consumers using their products as much as possible. Studies have shown that the constant stream of retweets, likes, and shares from these sites have affected the brain’s reward area to trigger the same kind of chemical reaction as other drugs, such as cocaine. In fact, neuroscientists have compared social media interaction to a syringe of dopamine being injected straight into the system.”

This is why I very rarely post on social media, especially Facebook. It’s gotten so toxic and draining for me mentally, especially during the pandemic. There’s a great plenty of negativity spread across the platform in the form of arguments, news, videos, and other negative rhetoric. It’s so damn exhausting.

I now have time for other things that are more important to me because I’ve learned to turn them off and focus on things that are more important to me.

I’m going to continue remaining optimistic about returning back to normal and be kind to others as well.

I’m continuing to see news about countries, states, counties, and cities reopening. I’m hoping that these things are going to be done smoothly and safely. I’m hoping that we’ll be able to return back to normal sooner than later, but I understand that things may get worse before they get better.

I understand that many people are under a lot of stress for a number of reasons. Thankfully, Kevin and I have been lucky. We’re healthy and we still have our jobs. I know that not everyone is as lucky as Kevin and me. I understand that their anger isn’t personal — it’s from a place of stress, frustration, and uncertainty. And that’s okay. I’m going to be kind. They maybe haven’t experienced kindness in a while. I don’t know. It’s not my place to judge or question.

We’re all in this together. We will get through this. Let’s be kind to one another as we do and remember that it’s okay to not feel okay.