A Word of Thanks
By: R.B. Lamb
Tags: Hunter Biden, Journalism, Satire, Media Criticism, Politics

On television recently, I announced the U.S. Attorney’s office in Delaware has been investigating my taxes. My statement reads as follows:

“I learned yesterday for the first time that the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Delaware advised my legal counsel, also yesterday, that they are investigating my tax affairs,” Hunter Biden said on Wednesday. “I take this matter very seriously but I am confident that a professional and objective review of these matters will demonstrate that I handled my affairs legally and appropriately, including with the benefit of professional tax advisors.”

I am confident my cabal of professional tax advisors, as pillars of the community beloved by all, has adequately cooked my books. Thus, an objective review of my finances is most welcome. But should the results of such a review not turn in my favor due to the known political biases of mathematics, I know I can count on the Fourth Estate to overlook such unfavorable news as they always have.

Why these journalists should be so sycophantic and complicit in covering up even a mention of any of my numerous, shady dealings is easy enough to see. To begin with, one must understand the journalist who wishes to make the big dollars, the largest bucks, must have a political ax to grind. Long gone are the days when Daddy’s Little Helpers investigated nefarious dealings originating within one’s own party. Failing to have a real story, or only having a story that damages your own party, one must keep looking. My father’s office is more than willing to help with a story about our two dumb dogs if you need direction.

Don’t even get me started on how helpful Twitter has been to me. It is important to have allies and it is obvious to me I have many friends in all the right places. Facebook, too! I know Sheryl Sandberg commented two years back that doing business in China was against their values then, but let me tell you, your values are about to change right now!

These days, I know the Press and Social Media are on my side. Hell, I could shoot someone on 5th Avenue and they’d look the other way as long as it wasn’t buried in my taxes; which it isn’t. My professional tax advisors saw to it.

More than my bedraggled and horrendously overworked accountants, I would like to thank such august, former newspapers like Vox and The New York Times for absolutely riding to my defense and using their massively out-sized bullhorns to signal to their readers there was absolutely nothing to see here. Like this wonderful chestnut from CNN, the most unbiased voice in journalism today.

Spin aside, it’s worth asking the question: How much trouble could Hunter Biden actually be in? The short answer is we simply don’t know yet. And the reason is, at least in part, because it’s just so hard to differentiate the spin from the facts. (Worth noting: Joe Biden is not implicated in any way in the investigation.)

The short answer, asserting ignorance of the investigation and facts, does appear to have known enough about it to include assurances my daddy isn’t implicated, though! You almost can’t buy this kind of coverage, but the good news is American politics are so deeply immersed in the filth one finds deposited in dumpster bottoms, you don’t even have to buy positive coverage anymore. There is an army of people to defend you so long as you’re famous. You don’t even have to know any of them!

If CNN was a person, that person would be Lieutenant Frank Drebin.

As well, I would be remiss if I didn’t call out the cabal of fact-checkers across the internet for applying the argumentum ad ignorantiam logical fallacy to their pursuit of the truth and my benefit. I fully agree there is no evidence against me, and as evidence there is no evidence, I submit various internet articles asserting there is no evidence as my evidence there is no evidence. The fact I have been under investigation for two years now with nary a peep from any of them tells me I definitely have friends in the media.

To be honest, I wasn’t sure about our close and positive relationship until I noticed not one of you published the fact I never denied any of the claims made against me and my business ties. In fact, when I fully admitted I leveraged my father’s name to get ahead with foreign companies, you all looked the other way. Don’t think I didn’t notice. You’ll be receiving gift baskets in the near future, care of Ukraine and Chinese companies.

Trust me, these guys like to know you’re on board and a team player and they’re not afraid to reward you for it. Refusing to cover any of this in any substantive manner prior to the Presidential Election is not something my business partners will forget.

So I thank you, friends. From the bottom of my cold, dead heart. More than that, the President-Elect who is totally my Dad and also totally has nothing to do with any of this, thanks you. He also is looking forward to you only reporting on progressive versus liberal issues going on in his incoming administration while simply denying conservative criticisms of his campaign as Fake News.

We did it! Together. Orange Man Bad, Swamp Thing Good! So thank you for staying on message and look forward to those fruit baskets soon. To the Social Media companies, wink, wink. You guys know what’s up.