The Post-Valentine’s Day Clean-up
Tags: Advice, Cleaning

The Post-Valentine’s Day Clean-up

I have this fabulous, sexy leather strap-on harness. Or, I should say, my girlfriend has it. I have orgasms. Sometimes it stays pretty clean and we can, as recommended by Good Vibrations and its packaging, just wipe it down with a damp cloth. However, sometimes it gets some pretty heavy contact and the damp-cloth method is just not cutting it. Plus, germs!

Since we don’t want to get the leather too wet due to concerns about stretching and the like, our options seem to be leather cleaner and leather oil. Neither of which disinfect, methinks, nor do they feel especially safe to rub all around my ladyparts. Which, of course, is the fun.

Also, it has nice rivets and snaps to hold the ring that holds the dildo in place. Little crevices of metal on leather. It’s driving me so nuts about how hard/weird it is to clean that it’s affecting the frequency that we use it! Also it’s bothering me that I can’t find this answer anywhere. Are there seriously no dykes on the internet who are meticulous about cleaning their things? ’Tis a puzzlement.



It’s a shame I didn’t have a camera filming me as I skipped into a leather daddy shop in Chelsea in my green Lilly puffer vest with Phish blaring out of the earbuds I’d wrapped around my neck while I chatted up the checkout guy to get the answer to your question, because it was really something else again. Despite my totally inappropriate getup, we had a lovely and highly informative discussion that yielded the following suggestions and tips:

(1) For day-to-day cleaning, use baby wipes. The low-moisture content will keep the leather from getting water damage, but will provide just enough by way of suds to clean off any fluids left behind after a quality romp.

(2) For maintenance, use saddle soap and/or mink oil. The suggestion here is to use saddle soap and/or mink oil before you store it, which means those products will have time to set into the leather so that they won’t end up on your parts.

(3) For deep cleaning, take the items to the dry cleaner. Yes really. Quoth the fellow with whom I spoke, “They’ve seen everything, they’re used to it.”

Now then, a quick note about that last statement: it’s true that dry cleaners have likely seen most everything. But still remember to be respectful of them and their place of business and wipe off any egregious stains before you bring the harness in for cleaning.

My bed is a happy place, and there’s a fair bit of sex happening there. In the winter I use a down comforter and a pillow top mattress pad to amp up the warm and comfy factor. Both are white and there are some telltale traces of sex on both layers. I have a crummy coin-op washer and dryer that won’t hold the mattress pad, and I’m pretty sure washing a down comforter will wreck it — how can I get my bedding back to a more virginal state?

If you say vinegar I won’t be shocked. If you say cornmeal, I will be.

I will not say vinegar nor will I say cornmeal! I bet you all are so excited that the answer isn’t vinegar! Except you’ll probably be less excited when you discover that I’m trotting out another old Clean Person favorite, OxiClean.

As old timers know by now, Oxi is the go-to product for treating our sexual stains because they’re of the protein variety and Oxi is aces on protein stains. Things become tricky, of course, because of your note that your coin-op machines aren’t big enough to accommodate the mattress pad. So what you’ll need to do in this case is to spot treat the mattress pad using an Oxi paste. Since the stains are older, you should be prepared to have to put in a little bit of labor to get them up. Start by laying down the paste and letting it sit for 30+ minutes. Wipe away the paste with a clean, damp rag, and then get after the stain with the rag and your muscles. You might sweat! This is okay. When you feel like you’ve gotten the stain out, wring your rag entirely clean and go over the spot a few times to get up the last of the Oxi solution you’ve made. While you’re doing this, try not to soak the pad. It will get wet, obviously, but you don’t want it sopping and if you can contain the cleaning only to the stained sections that will help too. Let the thing air dry for a few hours, check to make sure the stains are out, and then turn a hairdryer on the wet spots to finish the drying process.

Now we’ll turn our attention to your down comforter, which absolutely can be washed without wrecking it! Isn’t that such nice news to hear on a Thursday in February? You’ll follow the same basic procedures as you would when laundering a down parka. Using a cold-water setting and a mild detergent, wash the comforter on the gentle cycle. When it comes out of the washer it will be terribly bedraggled-looking, but the drying process will fix that right up. Put the comforter in the dryer on a low to medium setting, along with a towel or two, which will help to protect the comforter from getting torn up, and a tennis ball, which will bounce around in the dryer to fluff and plump the down filling.

There’s also a newish product, similar in function to the tennis balls but with so much more panache, that I’m super excited I get to mention because I love love love love love mine: DRYER BALLS. [testicle joke goes here] My mom got me a pair for Christmas, and now I use them whenever I do a load of towels to help fluff them up, since dryer sheets are a no-no with towels. They’d also be perfect for use with comforters, parkas, down pillows, what-have-you.

What do you do when someone gives you flowers and you leave them in the vase until they’ve been dead for a week and are growing mold. Is there any way to make the vase all sparkly clean again?

The boring answer is to hit the vase with a splurt of dishsoap, fill it with very, very hot water and let it soak for 30 or more minutes before cleaning it with a long-handled scrub brush. Something like this? But not that one because $20+ is way too much money to spend on such a thing.

The fun answer is to drop either a denture cleaning tablet like Efferdent or an antacid tablet like Alka Seltzer into the bottom of the vase, fill it with water and let it sit overnight before rinsing out. Poofta!

In the wake of Valentine’s Day I’m sure there will be many ‘curious stain’ queries, mine is of a more innocent nature — I was given a promotional Valentine’s chocolate which I foolishly put in my handbag to give to my boyfriend later.

In the southern hemisphere Valentine’s Day was quite hot, and it didn’t take long for the chocolate to melt, squelching its gooey centre all over the inside of my handbag. No big deal really, as I had wet wipes on hand, but my brand new rose pink leather wallet bore the chocolate-y brunt, and now has a really unfortunate stain that wont come out. How do I fix this!? It was meant to be a long-term investment buy, splashing out on a lovely leather wallet, and now it looks like I left it in a puddle over night!



This is going to sound like it’s not right, because we’ve all been trained up to think that leather + water = big no-no, but the first thing to try here is mixing up a water and dishsoap (or handsoap or laundry detergent) solution so that it gets very sudsy. Then dip a clean rag or sponge into your bubbles so that it picks up the suds but doesn’t get saturated with water, and clean the leather with the foam. You could even put on some ‘90s-era dance music and be all, “FOAM PARTY!!!” or you could just be normal and listen to Celine Dion. Your choice.

If there still appears to be a greasy stain once you’ve gone the foam route and allowed the wallet to dry completely, get your hands on some cornstarch and put a mound of it on the stain. Let that sit for at least 15 minutes before brushing it away. The cornstarch should pull up any grease that’s soaked into the leather.

Lastly, if all else fails take it into a cobbler or a cleaner that specializes in leather and have it professionally treated. Or just skip straight to that step!

Previously: This Valentine’s Day, Say It With Jewelry Cleaner.

Jolie Kerr is not paid to endorse any of the products mentioned in this column, but she sure would be very happy to accept any free samples the manufacturers care to send her way! Are you curious to know if she’s answered a question you have? Do check out the archives, listed by topic. More importantly: is anything you own dirty?

Photo by archidea, via Shutterstock