This is the Real Reason You’re Attracted to Them
By: Jason Henry
Tags: Sex, Life Lessons, Self Improvement, Dating, Relationships

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

In Les Misérables, Victor Hugo wrote,

“The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that it has come to be disbelieved in. Few people dare now to say that two beings have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is in this way that love begins, and in this way only.”

Yeah well, maybe that was totally true for Cosette and Marius.

And to be fair, he’s not far from the truth. But there’s something else to this.

It is definitely true that the notion of love at first sight has fallen into disrepute. No one falls in love just by looking at someone, right? It’s clearly either lust or infatuation.

Because how could you possibly feel so deeply for someone that you don’t even know?

It’s quite simple, actually.

But I disagree with Hugo that love begins solely because of a look. After all, we glance at people all the time in life. Why would a certain pair of human beings lock eyes and forever have their life trajectories changed?

How can two people who don’t know each other return each other’s affection “fully charged and all languishing with the stormy electricities of passion?”

And why is there also the phenomenon of one person pining over another but the other person fails to feel the same?

You like who you like because they have something you want.

When you get right down to it, it really is just that simple. But what is crucial is that you get in touch with what it is they have that you want.

Because if you don’t do this, you’ll do a bunch of stupid, time-wasting, unnecessary and damaging crap for someone that you shouldn’t be with, even though you’re attracted to them!

That’s the next thing. We think that just because we’re attracted to someone that means that we should be with them. I’ll tell you right now that that is perhaps the biggest lie when it comes to romance. It’s like a diseased needle we keep jabbing into our arms.

The worst part of this is that if you’ve had a couple of ill-fated romances in your day, you already know this. You are well-aware that there were people you liked that you had no business being with.

This is why it is tremendously important we ask ourselves why we like the person we like. It’ll save us a lot of time and can help us avoid heartache.

Here are some examples of how attraction can play out and why asking ourselves what the other person has that we want will help us.

1. You see this guy or girl with a great physique. You’re getting all hot and bothered and start fantasizing about having sex. They feel the same and are checking you out too.

You both have sex and it’s amazing. Now you’re thinking about a relationship in the same way you unconsciously and impulsively fantasized earlier.

If you stopped to ask yourself why you want to be with them, you may realize that it’s really only skin deep. You don’t really want them. You just wanted sex and are extrapolating your desire for more from someone who can’t meet those needs.

As a result, you keep the relationship casual.

Now, it’s definitely possible that they could be a great person that shares the same values as you, but for the examples I’m providing here, I’m using certain examples with specific outcomes.

So please don’t get upset when I give an example that could have a multiple of outcomes and only give a specific one.

2. You’re in high school and you’re fawning over the most popular guy or girl. Unfortunately, you’re a geek. You’re not popular at all, or perhaps you’re popular for all the wrong reasons.

If you asked yourself why you want the most popular guy or girl, you might realize that it’s not necessarily because they’re attractive or sporty or rich. It’s just because they’re popular.

You and your friends are social pariahs. And while you do love your friends, you wish you were celebrated and liked for who you are. This popular person has what you want, but you realize that there are other attractive people that you aren’t attracted to. Why is that? Well, it’s because they are a pariah too.

As a result of bringing this to your conscious awareness, you naturally drop your craving for a relationship with the popular boy or girl.

You learn to embrace your weirdness and because of that, you date someone who is just as weird as you but clearly more compatible.

Photo by JOSHUA COLEMAN on Unsplash

3. You meet someone and you feel absolutely nothing for them. Yeah, they’re not ugly but you just don’t feel anything. As a matter of fact, they have a loud personality that throws you off.

A few years pass and your brain convinces you that you should be more extroverted because you’ll get more opportunities.

Your brain isn’t exactly wrong, but it is not realizing that the opportunities an extrovert would attract to themselves are often not the same opportunities an introvert would want. But such is the nature of the mind.

So you feel bad about yourself for a while but then you run into that guy or girl from years ago that all of a sudden seems awesome. They’re loud personality is… attractive? Wow, how strange.

But if you were to stop and think about why you like them now, you’d realize that you like them because they’re more extroverted than you. They have what you want.

And if you asked why you didn’t like them earlier, you’d realize it’s because they were too much. They had something you didn’t want at all.

Then you put the pieces together and realize that you were hating on yourself for being too introverted.

If you embrace who you are and forgive yourself for thinking you had to be something you’re not, you’d save yourself the time of trying to be with someone you knew was incompatible with you from the beginning.

4. Your eyes lock with another’s and you feel something strong inside. They have pain behind their eyes and it is enticing. They really like you too.

The attraction is so strong that any nervousness you had with other people is completely obliterated. You think to yourself, “This person is special. They made me so much braver. This is something real.”

But by some miracle there was a gap in your drunken mind and you thought to ask yourself why you like this person so much.

They’re attractive, but there’s so many attractive people out there. What’s different about this person in particular?

There’s pain inside of them.

What’s more is that you also have pain inside of you. As a matter of fact, it’s the same pain.

But in this scenario, you don’t break it off. You continue the relationship. Actually, they seem super happy when you’re around so maybe it’s all in your head. You almost forget all about the initial sign that something was off.

What will happen is that you both will eventually trigger each other’s wounds unless and until you both heal. Otherwise you will grow to resent each other.

One person healing won’t be enough. But the person who heals their wound (which may have come from a prior romance or a parental relationship) will be the one to end the relationship once and for all.

It may be that you have to embrace or forgive someone from the past or embrace or forgive something about yourself. Whatever the case may be, the attraction and the overwhelming strength of it was due to past trauma.

Photo by whoislimos on Unsplash

5. You’re introduced to someone and you think they’re attractive. They think the same thing about you. You can see that they share similar values to you, so conversation is as easy as it could be when talking to a stranger.

Numbers are exchanged, meetups are arranged and eventually deeper feelings show up.

You ask yourself, “Why do I like them?”

Your answer is that they’re pretty cool. They like what you like and want what you want out of life. Of course, there are some differences but it’s not a threat to you or your relationship.

You have no reason to leave and neither do they.

As a result, you embark on a relationship.