Dive Into Dating: 12 Tips for Single Parents
By: Wendy Miller
Tags: Relationships, Dating Advice, Dating, Single Moms, Parenting

Dating as a single parent is different than dating when you’re just a single person. You’re always worrying about taking time away from the kids. Questioning when to introduce your date to your kids. Wondering how much or how little to include your ex or what to say about your ex to your date.

Our kids are both living proof of our relationship history and a vital part of our lives. Finding that line between dating for ourselves and for fun and dating in a way that doesn’t negatively impact our kids can be a bit of a struggle.

But these bits of advice can help you find the balance you’re looking for. Use these 12 tips to enjoy a healthy, happy dating life and better relationships without worrying about damaging your kids.

Make sure you’re into the person & not just a relationship

A relationship with someone you don’t like or aren’t attracted to isn’t a good relationship. So make sure you’re into the person you’re dating and not just into the idea of being in a relationship. Make sure you’re not overlooking or outright ignoring red flags and trying to make this person be someone you want them to be rather than who they really are.

Think about this: Would you spend time with this person without looking for a relationship? Would you be their friend if you already had a romantic partner?

If you could see yourself being friends with this person without any romantic relationship, then you’re most likely into them. But if you can’t see a friendship forming, you might want to dig a little deeper and make sure you’re not just seeking a romantic relationship — any romantic relationship — just to be in one.

Don’t give up your independence and social life

When you’re a single parent, time is limited. You have to carefully plan what you’re doing without kids because you have to pay for childcare and you don’t want to miss too much time with the kids. So it’s tempting when you meet someone you really like to skip hanging out with friends and time alone in favor of having more time for your new romantic interest.

But when you do that, you set a bar. You set a standard of time spent together and a level of importance on the relationship that you might not be able, or want, to keep up. You start to lose your sense of identity outside the relationship.

Don’t give up your independence and social life for a date — or even a new partner. Make time for them but don’t offer them all of your free time. Continue to see friends and family. Continue to spend time alone with yourself. Don’t scramble for a last-minute babysitter when your new love wants you to be available at the last minute. Keep balance so that when you settle into a comfortable relationship, you still know who you are, you still have friends, and you don’t have to fight for your time because you’ve set an unrealistic expectation of how much time you’ll spend together.

Focus on the present rather than the past

Your past relationships helped shape who you are today. The good times and the bad, the happiness and the pain, all created the person you are when you’re on a date with someone new. But just because those things shaped you doesn’t mean they need to be your focus now. And just because you made choices in the past that you don’t like doesn’t mean you need to keep thinking about them now.

Focus on the present. Remember that each new person you meet and date is a unique individual. They might use similar phrases, have similar features or gestures, or there may be other things about them that remind you of someone from your past who hurt you. But they’re not that person from your past. Don’t treat them as if they are.

And don’t spent your time with them waiting for them to disappoint you. Trust them. Have faith in them. Let them show you who they are and why you don’t need to worry without having to prove they’re not someone you used to know.

Photo by Micheile Henderson on Unsplash

Talk about your future relationship goals

You don’t need to be making wedding plans by the end of the first date, but you do need to make sure you and your date are on the same page. Within the first few dates, you should start talking about what each of your future relationship goals are.

Whether you’re looking to enjoy a casual relationship or get married, whether you want more kids or you’re done, knowing that you both want the same things is important to ensuring neither of you are wasting your time.

Be honest about what you want too. Remember that the truth about what you want is only going to scare off the people who aren’t right for you. And that’s best because it will help you avoid bringing someone into your kids’ lives who has no intention of sticking around.

Don’t talk about your ex (too much)

You have kids, so your ex might come up, or questions about being widowed or how you chose to become a single parent. But remember that you don’t owe anyone any explanations for your past. And even if you do want to share some information about what happened, it might not be the right time.

Limit the talk about your ex. If your date asks, you can say something brief or even let them know you’re not quite ready to talk about it.

In particular, don’t bring up how the split was not your idea or all the horrible things your ex ever did to you. You might think you’re only offering an explanation (and one you think they need) but you’re really just giving the impression that you’re not over your ex and what they did (or didn’t) do.

Have the sex talk

No, not with the kids. With your date. Whether you’re in a full-fledged relationship or just want to hookup and see where it goes, you need to have the sex talk with your date — preferably before you have sex.

Depending on how long you were with your ex, this can be a complicated and uncomfortable discussion. And you might not even be sure what to talk about if you’ve been with the same person for a very long time.

Make sure you talk about STDs. But also talk about likes and dislikes in the bedroom and what activities you are or aren’t comfortable engaging in — both hard limits and soft. And remember not to let your date pressure you into having sex before you’re ready.

Skip the labels until (and unless) you need them

Boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, lover… there are lots of labels we can apply to a romantic interest, but do you really need one? It might be convenient to call someone your boyfriend or girlfriend, but they do have a name and it’s convenient to use too.

What’s more important than a label is knowing that you’re on the same page. Are you seeing other people or not? Are you both in agreement that your relationship, whatever label it might have, is casual or serious or somewhere in between? Do you both see things moving in the same direction and at the same general speed?

As long as you both have the same understanding about the status of your relationship, it doesn’t matter what labels you or your relationship might have. So don’t make a big deal over the labels. Unless you’re in the kind of relationship where you’re filling out legal documents and have to put a label, they really don’t matter.

Enjoy the relationship rather than worrying

Don’t spend your time looking for trouble. Don’t pick apart every little thing they say or do, trying to find some sign that they don’t really like you, or they’re seeing someone else, or they’re just trying to manipulate you. Don’t worry about what your hair or makeup or clothes look like and whether or not they like any of it.

Instead, enjoy the relationship. Enjoy spending time with this person. Get to know them. Enjoy the experiences you have with them. Don’t worry about whether it’s time to introduce them to the kids or if you need to tell your ex that you’re dating this person now.

Make good memories instead of anticipating bad ones on the horizon. Trust that you’ll know when it’s time to take the next step. If things fall apart in the end, so be it. Enjoy the ride until that moment.

Photo by Mike Erskine on Unsplash

Integrate into each other’s lives

When you meet someone you really like and start getting serious, it’s easy to cocoon in your own little bubble. Just the two of you spending time together without the rest of the world intruding. It’s a beautiful little fantasy world — but it’s not the real world and it’s not a good place to stay long-term.

You need to integrate into each other’s lives. Meet each other’s friends, families and co-workers — and eventually the kids. Go to work events and family parties. It doesn’t happen immediately, but it should start happening at some point. And it should be before you get really serious.

Your relationship doesn’t exist in its own little bubble. It exists in the world with your careers, friends, families, and life in general. If you don’t integrate into each other’s lives, you won’t know if you’re truly compatible. Integrating allows you to hear insights from your friends or realize that your new partner has no idea how to handle kids — both of which might allow you to see your date in a new (and possibly less flattering) light.

Always communicate with your partner

People aren’t mind readers. Your partner will never know what you want, what you think, or how you feel unless you tell them. Verbally. As in, with actual words. Not with sighs, huffs, eye rolls, or folded arms.

Start the relationship the way you intend to continue: with clear, open communication. Upset, sad, angry, confused, anxious, or worried — express how you feel to your partner. Tell them what you need. Share your thoughts and opinions openly. If they misunderstand something you say, find another way to say it to clear up the misunderstanding.

If a lack of clear communication played a role in your split from your kids’ other parent, it’s even more crucial that you ensure you work on that. Even if it means assessing whether you choose people who aren’t good communicators to get involved with.

Pay more attention to actions than words

While verbal communication is important, so are actions. In fact, in some ways, actions are more important. And that’s why you should pay more attention to actions than words. When they make a promise, do they keep it? Do they call when they say they will, show up on time for dates, apologize for mistakes and then avoid making those same mistakes again?

Words matter when it comes to explanations. But when it comes to behavior, actions are much more important. If they don’t change a behavior or action that creates problems, then any words of apology or explanation are worthless.

If actions and words don’t match, or their actions don’t exceed their words, that’s a problem.

Give the relationship your all

You’ll often hear people say that relationships are 50/50, but that’s just not true. If each person is only give half of what they’re capable of, that’s not much at all. Relationships require 100% effort from both people in it.

Give the relationship your all — and expect the other person to meet you there. There may be times one of you falls short and the other does more, but for the most part, you should both be striving to give it your best. And your best is definitely more than 50% on an average day.

It can be difficult, particularly if you were giving it your all and ended up splitting from your ex. But if you’re going to be in a relationship, you have to go all in or there’s no point. And remember that your relationships are examples for your children. Show them what to offer and expect from a partner and relationship.

Give a new relationship a fighting chance

When you haven’t dated in years or realize you started dating before you were really ready, it’s important to take a step back and evaluate what you want to do before you dive back in. Even if you go through this list and are certain you already do these things, that can be enough to give you the confidence that you’re ready to wade into the dating pool again.

And if you find that there’s one or more that you haven’t done before now, you can start dating with your eyes wide open to make sure you start doing them. And that can make all the difference when you’re looking for partner to last a lifetime — or even just a few months.