Traffic Police in Vietnam to Accept Tears as Payment for Violations
By: Matthew Pike
Tags: Comedy, Vietnam, News, Funny, Satire

Starting next month, police in Vietnam will accept tears as payment for all minor traffic violations. Mr. Bao Wow Nguyen, Chief of Police for the Ho Chi Minh City Region, outlined the Department’s plan to improve traffic statistics at a press conference this week.

“Public safety is still our primary mission,” Said Mr. Nguyen, speaking to The Lazy News through his security gate. “This change in policy has the support of everyone in the Department, as we believe it will result in fewer reported traffic violations. Who did you say you worked for again?”

However, leaked memos obtained by The Lazy News tell a different story. The documents portray a bureaucracy with systemic morale issues — an organization that doesn’t understand why people dislike them.

“Everyone is super mean to us,” said one officer in a heavily redacted postcard. In another: “It’s day after day of negative interactions, and our officers need help. The Department needs to look for new ways to improve relations between police and those we’re meant to protect. An officer can only be called a ‘Yellow Dog’ so many times before it hurts our feelings.”

When we contacted the Department for a response concerning the leaked memos, the Chief cited an internal policy of refusing to comment on anything that looked like the work of a child. Regardless of their veracity, these documents show a police force that is struggling with its image. One officer summed up the dilemma with this: “I joined the force because I wanted to make a difference in my community, but everyone hates us. We’re the villains. When I issued my uncle a citation for passing out drunk on his motorbike in the middle of an intersection, my family stopped speaking to me. I’ve lost so many friends because of this job. Everyone just assumes that I’m trying to get rich from bribes, but nobody sees all the challenging work that goes into improving road safety — things like random stops around blind corners and fish nets to capture street racers.”

The memos also show a recent surge in officers filing for long term medical leave, each claiming “Emotional trauma.” When asked by management about the possibility of moving sad officers into desk positions, Human Resources said they had no place left to put them.

“There are no desk jobs left,” said one HR Manager. “We already have too many people working clerical positions. Every building has at least one person who just staples papers together, and another who operates the water cooler. Our offices are saturated with officers suffering from depression. We have to find a way to reconnect our them with the public, or else the organization will suffocate under its own weight.”

According to emails, the Department also consulted with animal psychology experts to discuss proposed changes. It’s not entirely clear what the options were, but one memo discussed a new marketing campaign — one that would show police as helpful members of the community. A senior manager responded with: “We already have posters and billboards that show the glorious deeds of our benevolent officers, but market research shows that nobody even notices them — except for children and foreigners. Both groups told us that the billboards are just creepy.”

One memo in particular seemed to offer the rationale behind the decision to accept tears in lieu of a fine. The memo stated that if a person cries when stopped by the police, then they’ve already shown enough remorse.

Some within the Department raised concerns over finances, calling the new policy a pay cut. “Fear is an essential part of how we work,” one email from a lower ranked officer said. “People are scared of us, and that feeling keeps drivers from just doing whatever the hell they want on our roads. If people don’t shit a literal brick when we come out and point our batons at them, how can we be expected to make any money?”

Despite some internal push back, Chief Bao Wow Nguyen reiterated that traffic police in Vietnam are committed to a new era of compassionate law enforcement. Only time will tell if tears can reduce traffic related fatalities, but one thing is for sure: Police have feelings, too.