Dear Universe
By: Reuben Salsa
Tags: Humor, Ideas, Satire, Entrepreneurship, Life

Dear Universe

I demand a refund for having a terrible year

Photo by NASA on Unsplash

Dear Universe

Please can you review my year as I’m sure it was mishandled by your staff. They have failed to maintain the level of good fortune and positive vibes that I’m accustomed to.

I have found myself constantly surrounded by idiots. Why on Earth would you think this is a great initiative? They can barely answer my questions, consistently look at me dumb-founded and I’ve caught at least two of them fornicating in the stockroom.

As you know, this year hasn’t been easy. I’ve cajoled Gary in accounts to finally wear deodorant but have still to address the halitosis situation. Our Miami office is knee deep in crime and I fear for the safety of our staff as the city continues to sink. This was not advertised in your 84 page glossy brochure.

You recommended I live in Australia and I quote:

“It is actually undoubted that people in Australia enjoy high-quality life. A low population level, with low pollution and plenty of fresh air available along with some great natural landscapes and beautiful scenery.”

What a joke that is! For the last month I’ve suffered asthma attacks and struggled for breath as bush fires raged near my home. The fresh air is chocked full of smoke and I feel the natural landscape is constantly threatening my life.

You didn’t even mention that 9 of the world’s deadliest snakes live here.

Quite simply, I demand a refund!

When I signed up for a ‘good time’ at the start of 2019 in what you described as ‘Deal of the Century!’ and ‘Not to be Missed!’ I expected a whole lot more.

The service is beyond a joke.

Did you really expect me to say nothing about the long response time? I was left on hold late June when I rang in to complain about my lack of net-worth. It was almost 9 hours before you sent a sign to me by cutting off my electricity. It wasn’t quite the response I was expecting Universe.

Your unprofessional approach in emergencies simply cannot continue. Every interaction has been met with silence. I even tried the emergency ‘Reach-out to G-d’ hotline. I followed the instructions carefully. I said five hail-mary’s and delivered a sermon to my next door neighbor who was greedily fornicating. I even got on my knees for additional prayer servicing. Yet I still received the cold-shoulder.

It makes me believe, that despite being in this industry for billions of years, that you lack experience in dealing with people. How could you let life get so out of control? You told me to sacrifice everything.

“You do you,” you said, “and everything in the Universe will fall into place,” you said. When? What’s the timeline for this? What’s your ETA? How long do I need to wait?

I would try emailing Head-office but conveniently there’s no address. Do you think it’s a joke calling the CEO the ‘Big Guy in the Sky’? How can I possibly get in touch? I spoke to Belinda and she clearly believes he doesn’t exist. Even worse, Accounts have suggested it’s a front for Him downstairs. I have no idea what they’re talking about and all this conjecture is making me nervous.

Can I add that your attention to detail is non-existent (like your Head-office). When I ask for a Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non-Fat, Caramel Macchiato, I expect to receive EXACTLY that. Not get back a Flat White and a half-arsed apology about the state of employment and how you can’t trust the youth’s to do a proper job. I PAID YOU IN ADVANCE!

These situations are usually considered universally unacceptable Universe.

I’ve endured all the poor results, negative reviews, pay-cuts, decommissions, unemployment, bad pay-outs, divorce, every single Miami Dolphin loss and an ever receding hairline, assuming you would take action.

This is so damaging to your brand Universe. How do you expect to run a successful business on smoke and mirrors?

You promised me the world but all I got was a dumpster fire.

I will not recommend ANYBODY to live life as part of your Universal program. It’s beyond a joke.

My bad experience with your outfit this year has left me no option but to complain. I’ve already written half a dozen bad reviews on Amazon. I’ve even posted to Trip Advisor and made sure ALL the local media knows how poorly you treat your customers.

Please can you ensure standards are raised for 2020.

I expect a full refund by the end of the week.

Yours Angrily

Reuben Salsa