Parenthood: always together, but no longer alone.
By: Daniel James Adams
Tags: Relationships, Parenthood, Love, Baby, Parenting

who said three’s a crowd?!

I wasn’t prepared for the way my relationship would change when our little bundle of joy arrived.

A lot of what I was told or expected from having a baby came home to roost immediately. You sleep less, they cry a lot, you realise that for tiny little people they need a lot of stuff and it ends up everywhere. And then of course, there is the complete change in routine and the fact that you are now responsible for administering round the clock care to another human who totally depends on you. And it can be hard.

Then there are some things you’re less prepared for, things that are less intuitive and more difficult to navigate.

When it comes to a new baby, time is one of the common conundrums, the good news is you adjust quickly. You get a little bit better at what you’re doing each day and even if you didn’t before, you learn to plan with military precision — then when that occasionally (more than) goes out of the window, your priorities shift and you simply accept you’re either not going to get things done or you’re going be late to that thing, and you learn to be ok with it. Blame the baby and move on!

However, tasks and timekeeping are not the only things you will find yourself compromising on. All of a sudden, this little human who you love more than anything is top of the pile and taking priority over everything, not least the time you spend together, just the two of you. On the most basic level you will have less time to talk and the times when you do, at least early on, communication can become transactional, and almost always baby centric.

Well, much like your baby needs care and attention, so does your relationship as you nurture it through this smiling, crying, dribbling change. You’re always together, but no longer alone so it’s up to you to find time for each other. Whether it’s the ritual of a morning cup of tea, a daily walk or workout, or deciding you will ring fence dinner time from any distractions once baby is asleep, it’s so important that you make the time to check-in, catch up and connect as a couple.

You’ll also become conscious of the fact that you’re no longer doing the things you used to and you’re not able to be as spontaneous and carefree as you once were. You will miss these things and times, for the simple fact that they’re likely the very foundation upon which your relationship was built. And that’s ok, but after a short and perfectly acceptable period of mourning your old, more fun self, it’s time to call on the planning skills you learnt earlier and make time for each other. Relationships thrive on time spent together, and whilst you might not quite be ready for an all-night rave, or a weekend away, you will not be short of babysitting offers, so as soon as baby is on a more settled schedule, get out there and enjoy yourselves, just like you used to.

Be warned, it’s not only your ‘we’ time that gets attacked if you’re not careful your ‘me’ time will be invaded too. In fact, you may find you don’t have any. Aside from being shown to increase happiness, contribute to better life satisfaction, and improve your ability to manage stress, those things you made time for and enjoyed pre baby are no less important now, even if your tendency will be to tell yourself they are. You will have to accept you can no longer do it all and truth is you probably won’t want to, with the allure of that cute smiling face likely proving too much to resist. But it’s important you make time for yourself and that you don’t feel guilty about it, and you must be able to rely on each other to carve out time consistently.

And then of course, there’s the intimate side of your relationship. When it comes to sex, there could be a number of reasons you’re required to take a break, whether it’s the fact your labour has a prescribed recovery time, low sex drive as a hormonal effect of breastfeeding, you’re too exhausted, you don’t have time, or you simply don’t feel like it. Firstly, and most importantly, all are perfectly normal, and all require you to communicate openly, be patient and work through them in the only way you know how, as a team.

In spite of any enforced break in proceedings, make sure you find ways to show affection, whether it’s kisses, cuddles or compliments, you’ve just made a whole other human together, you have every reason to want to be close and show appreciation for one another. Then when you both feel ready, take your time, and don’t feel any pressure — fact is everyone is different and will deal with it differently, so timing is personal to you. You could consider combining it with date night so you know you’ll be enjoying some baby free time, and plan ahead, ensuring your bedroom is free from all traces of baby — because let’s face it, there’s no greater passion killer than rolling over and being interrupted by a loud cry of “Eh-oh!” from everyone’s favourite red Teletubby.

Fact is a baby changes everything. They bring fun, joy, excitement, and a kind of love you’ve never felt before. They also bring anxiety, uncertainty, frustration, and a challenge the likes of which you may never have faced. Your relationship will change, and in most cases, it will be a welcome, happy, and positive change. But they don’t discriminate, and if you let them, they will come for your ‘me’ time, your ‘we’ time and your ‘what you used to be’ time. It’s up to you to be honest about how you’re feeling, communicate openly, and work together to compromise in the areas of your life where you feel it’s most important. Time will be more precious than ever before, so it is up to you to choose carefully how you spend it and cherish every single second.