Grappling with Self-Love and Toxic Behaviors of My Culture
By: Jacquelyn Piansay
Tags: Culture Change, Personal, Filipino American, Self Love

Earlier this year I came across an Instagram post from The Healing Project (@thehealingproject.me) and an article from One Down which both addressed toxic behaviors that are prevalent within the Filipino community. As I read both posts, my mind automatically began replaying the countless times in my life when I have experienced these moments. I could feel the shame, discomfort, and frustration I felt in those moments all over again.

I shared the posts within my personal networks and found that many of my connections could also relate. I’m reposting my personal reflection here in case there are any other folks out there that can relate.

Below is what I shared but before you read further, I want to particularly highlight an important note from The Healing Project:

“This post isn’t to shame Filipino culture but to understand the impact it has brought to what was so normalized for us growing up.”

Source: The Healing Project on Instagram (@thehealingproject.me)

This was way too relevant and important not to share. For my Filipino family and friends, please take the time to read the text in the photos and kindly take this into consideration the next time you interact with your family and loved ones.

I absolutely love my family and enjoy going to these big gatherings BUT I can honestly say that I do mentally prepare myself for a peppering of these types of comments as soon as I walk through that door. I go in knowing that my self-esteem will be tested and is probably going to take a hit, especially if there are certain individuals who will be in attendance.

These last few years I have really been working on body positivity and self-love, and I’m proud of how much I’ve grown. It’s truly a lifelong journey and every day is a different battle. Growing up hearing these comments did, and still does, affect me to this day. And even though I have so much more love for myself these days, I can’t lie and say that these comments still don’t hurt and have a negative impact on how I view myself and my value.

I would be so confused by these comments because they always came paired with a compliment and a smile:

“Oh, you’re so beautiful but don’t gain any more weight, okay?”

“Oh you’re so pretty but, ah, you’re too skinny now. Go eat.”

“Hi, anak! Tumataba ka, ha? Oh, there’s food here! You go eat now :)”

It’s very easy to assume that the person receiving these comments is being “too sensitive” but everyone has their insecurities. Even people who have pretty thick skin and relatively high self-esteem, like myself, have their limits. These seemingly surface-level comments do take a toll on them deeper than you probably realize.

Going through puberty, adolescence, and just life, in general, is difficult enough to navigate on its own, and these comments do not help. As noted in the Instagram post from The Healing Project, “even if these comments may come from a curious or innocent place, it can be crucial to a child’s self-esteem, development, and increases fear in a child being their authentic self.”

That fear is so very real. Thinking back to those moments as I was getting ready for these gatherings, I was meticulous about how I was going to present myself in those spaces. I tried on outfit after outfit to find the perfect balance of what I wanted to wear and what would cover up my stomach. I messed around with different hairstyles to figure out how to hide my puffy cheeks. I searched for the right accessories to distract the eagle eyes that would be carefully scanning my body for imperfections. And if I’m being 100% honest, even though I’ve gotten much better at navigating those initial negative thoughts (shoutout to my amazing self-love coach!), I still find myself doing these things… Baby steps.

Thankfully, I was blessed with parents who taught me, both through their words and through their actions, that I am beautiful, I am worthy, and I am loved through all of my phases and not just the ones that are “appealing” to society and our culture. And that has truly made all the difference as I continue the lifelong work of loving my true, authentic myself.

I love my family and love my Filipino heritage but there’s always room to be better. Let’s start with more compassion for ourselves and for each other.