My Guide To ABSTRACT Art
By: Sabana Grande
Tags: Satire, Short Story, Art, Guides And Tutorials, Humor

My Guide To ABSTRACT Art

By the end of my LESSONS you, too, should be able to stain a piece of paper and call it art. Sabana Grande Follow Dec 14, 2020 · 4 min read

Many people have tried their hand at abstract art historically and failed. There are a few crucial elements that people who paint something that looks like an accident are missing, that people who are able to call that same thing art, have.

I don’t even consider myself a painter anymore. I am an abstract artist. That means that everything I touch, so long as it wasn’t useful, becomes ART.

In this guide, I attempt to teach you the same thing. There are 5 KEY areas you need to master.

1. Your Brushstrokes

You may be used to holding paintbrushes like a pen. However, for the purpose of abstract art, you must hold them as you would an upside-down hammer — balled up in your fist.

Unleash your inner 3-year old. Blindfold yourself and smash paint onto the canvas with hostility. Do it as if the painting owes you money. Be careful not to puncture the canvas, however, as I have done many times (Expert Advice).

The secret here is that even though you didn’t even know what you were doing, other people will speculate as to the internal emotional turmoil you were going through and the ‘themes’ you brought to life in the ‘piece’.

2. Use Rubbish

Abstract artists are known for using their creativity. Creativity means using garbage. Anything you don’t need and any sane person would have thrown out years ago, you should incorporate into your painting.

Any type of glue works wonders for this kind of thing — for instance, gluing your girlfriend’s torn fishnet stockings to a mishmash of color on a canvas. People loved it so much I eventually began using her new fishnet stockings. She’s an ex-girlfriend now. Whatever. Creativity matters most.

I also use the inner cardboard of old toilet rolls to create ‘emotional contrast’.

The more things that don’t make sense you put into your painting, the more people will assume that your genius is simply beyond them — which it is.

Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash

3. Set Fire To It

Do this outside so you don’t burn the whole house down as I did. I’m onto my third house now and I’ve finally learned my lesson.

If after you are finished with the above steps, your painting still doesn’t look and feel like a painting (even after you’ve sellotaped empty toilet paper rolls to it as I taught you) then you should set fire to it.

“Roasting-over-the-coals,” is what I like to call this technique. Leonardo da Vinci used to apply a similar technique called sfumato, where he applied smoke to his paintings to create more realistic shadows.

I like to just burn the whole painting. Have a fire extinguisher ready for when you think it’s done medium-well. By the time you pull it out, I promise you, it will not look like anything you’ve seen before (Expert Advice).

4. Buy Art, And Glue It Onto Your Painting

Only after you’ve burned it. Turns out, it’s not that easy to put out a flaming canvas. So you should always have some ready-made assembly line type art that you can glue onto your piece.

I prefer to use images of butterflies. I find it lifts the spirits of those wondering why there is a charred piece of garbage with fishnet stockings glued onto it hanging on the wall.

“Look, butterflies!” Their attention spans drift away from the fact that your painting doesn’t look like a painting.

But wait, there’s more! I have one final pièce de résistance that is sure to turn any non-painting into a painting.

5. Animal Footprints

Apply another coat of paint on your already charred work and have an animal or 10, step on it before it dries.

I have been using cows and sheep for this purpose but any animal works. Be careful that they don’t shit on it. However, it is worth the risk when you consider the authenticity it will bring to your work of art.

How Do You Explain All This To People?

Some people may ask you: “Do you need to be institutionalized?” or offer you a good psychiatrist. Psychiatrists are nothing but non-believers. After all, the art on their office walls (beside all their diplomas) looks exactly like real people that were painted by someone with talent.

I have a saying when it comes to this,