An honest look at the practise of mindfulness in one mother’s life
By: Mez S.
Tags: Parenthood, Depression, Anxiety, Motherhood, Minduflness

Any parent would be familiar with the treasure box of emotions that is discovered upon having children. Emotions in which a tiny human body can so craftily provoke, turning the most tranquil individual, into a frazzled mess. Often at times, even triggering a downward spiral of emotions into depths of depression and anxiety.

The buzz word for dealing with these emotions, in my experience, is mindfulness. It was strongly recommended to me from several professionals, after I collapsed into a state of depression. Subsequently, it was advertised as the antidote to remedy my many forms of negative emotion that arose during times of parenting. It was a practise that never came easy for me. I wrestled with it daily and felt like it grated against my every instinct. After critically investigating it, I soon discovered there were limitations to its practise. The aim of this article is to provide a realistic account of how mindfulness is beneficial, but also limited, according to evidence-based research and to my experience.

The first obstacle I encountered was the confusion about what the term mindfulness actually meant

A popular definition of mindfulness in Western culture is that it is moment-to-moment awareness, cultivated by paying attention to the present in a non-judgmental manner (Van Dam et al., 2018). Its goal is to strengthen the individual’s awareness of thoughts and feelings and to relate to them as cognitive events, rather than judging their truth or lack of truth that is perceived to define the individual (Gaynor, 2014). Thereby, reinforcing a defusing of thoughts and emotions from one’s sense of identity (Gaynor, 2014).

It originates in Buddhism, therefore can be associated with the practise of religion (Gaynor, 2014). My first confusion arises here, if we are exercising the practise of religion, can prayer and meditation on other religious scripture also be mindfulness? According to contemporary psychology, yes (Van Dam et al., 2018). And it doesn’t stop there. What about breathing exercises, listening to relaxation music, repeating self-affirmations, gratitude techniques, hypnotherapy, autogenic training or progressive muscular relaxation techniques? These are all techniques to do with the practice of building mind fitness to manipulate the internal states of the body, and build a connection with one’s own spirit, thoughts and emotions (Farias et al., 2016). Therefore, they are also forms of mindfulness.

Understanding that all these techniques are forms of mindfulness, my practise has become more fluent and I am able to see it bear fruit. These are the major benefits that mindfulness has provided for me as a parent, supported with evidence-based research:

Recognising emotional needs during mindful play

I am sitting on the floor with my toddler, watching her pull apart and put back together two duplo blocks repeatedly for fifteen minutes, without distraction from screens. I interact with her, speak with her about what she’s doing, and aid her in the movements whilst encouraging her to do it by herself. I engage in each moment, and remain attentive to her. This is an example of mindful play.

Photo by La-Rel Easter on Unsplash

Through mindful play, a parent is better able to understand the emotional needs of their child, to play without judgment of their character, mood, strengths or weaknesses (Gehl et al. 2018). This process also benefits the parent’s experience of emotions, enabling them to lean into feelings, acknowledge their presence and observe them without judgment (Gehl et al. 2018). The process refines the quality of the attachment to their child, and enhances their capacity to pay attention and to gain acceptance of the child in a non-judgmental way (Bowlby, 2019). This has been true to my practise of mindful play, having experienced its benefits in the same way.

Self-compassion

The toddler wants to build a train track but the baby wants to pull it apart. These differing ideas of fun persist for several minutes and I can’t find a compromise without removing one, kicking and screaming, from the room. I become tense, feeling as though I want to throw in the towel, and feeling selfish for wanting to step away. In the heat of frustration, I offer myself compassion, by acknowledging the judgment I have made of my reaction to the situation, and by allowing for a moment of self-care. With a posture of compassion, I remind myself that I’m not selfish and not worth anything less by wanting to withdraw. These reactions are valid emotions, and don’t define me or invalidate my role as a parent. Becoming overwhelmed in the event of head-butting, stubborn children, is an ideal example of when self-compassion is effective.

A compassionate posture requires a mindful awareness of one’s own thoughts and feelings within a given experience (Cohen, 2010). It allows for increased feelings of connectedness to the self, reduced thought suppression and rumination, and improved emotional processing (Cohen, 2010). Parents experience fewer moments of their own harsh criticisms for perceived failures in parenting (Cohen, 2010). In the process, they save themselves from the strong surge of feelings of worthlessness that often follow (Cohen, 2010). Strategies of self-compassion can provide parents with relief by taking the time to withdraw and recharge, therefore implementing a method of self-nourishment (Cohen, 2010).

Recognition of these moments became efficient as I introduced a careful use of self-compassion into my mindful parenting practise. Awareness of emotions and communicating them with those around me became natural. Provided the demands and pressures from the kids are not excessively high, the practice of self-compassion has a satisfying degree of success in my experience as a parent.

Gratitude

I am grateful that my daughter offered to pack the dishwasher when she noticed how messy the kitchen was. Gratitude in mindfulness is signified as an emotional response to a present event or experience (Sansone et al., 2010). Expressing gratitude is proven to promote positivity and reduce feelings of stress, depression and anxiety (Kyeong et al., 2017). Cultivating gratefulness enables the mind to develop positive connections of the experienced emotions to the perceived parenting events (Kyeong et al., 2017).

Photo by S&B Vonlanthen on Unsplash

There’s benefit of practising this as an individual, or a couple, as a behaviour on display for children. A child who adopts the qualities of gratitude demonstrated by their parents, is associated with high levels of happiness later in life (Kyeong et al., 2017). I’ve learned to acknowledge that there’s much to be thankful for in the parenting life, and thankfully can see such qualities beginning to bloom in my children.

Mindfulness for relaxation

Focus on your breath, there is nothing to do now, nothing to achieve. Guided meditation has shown to reduce stress and anxiety (Baylor University, 2020). Mindfulness scripts act like a guided meditation, providing a hypnotic effect, which has an important function to decrease anxiety and induce relaxation (Baylor University, 2020).

For me, mindfulness is constructive, as it prompts a state of relaxation during a demanding day of parenting. As evidence suggests, listening to the same script in particular for me, works hypnotically to induce a relaxed state. The only drawback is that time is needed to be alone, therefore another carer needs to be present to look after the kids. In accordance with research, practising this method daily even for ten minutes, lowers my overall feelings of irritability and nervous tension that is provoked by a stressful parenting environment.

Some parenting days when I care for my four young children, I hold my head in my hands, frustrated that my efforts put into the daily practice of mindfulness is not paying off. The very awareness of this fact itself invokes feelings of sadness, self-judgment and stress, indicating that more mindfulness needs to be exercised. I find myself caught up in this perpetual cycle. Mindfulness is not the solution to my depression and anxiety, despite my effortful, daily work. These are limitations of mindfulness in my experience as a parent, supported with evidence-based research.

Difficulty in applying mindfulness to the simultaneous care of multiple children

My older daughter wants to play cards at the table, but the baby wants me to sit and play with her on the floor. They both need attention. I bring the baby to the table but within seconds, she’s clambering around my lap, pulling my hair and scrunching the cards in her hand and pushing them off the table. A typical dynamic between my children is the frequent outbreak of power-play. It’s a complicated business to remain attentive and meet the emotional needs of multiple children at once. My mindfulness learning has centred around the one parent-one child relationship, and doesn’t accommodate for the realities of caring for several children of varying ages.

There is substantial research addressing issues of mindfulness used in parenting for a range of circumstances. Such as the care of a newborn, the care of one child, or the care of a child with a disability. Unfortunately, there is little evidence to support the practise of positive mindfulness techniques during the simultaneous care of multiple young children. Parenting children in parallel is the reality of many parents. Me being one of them, am yet to be convinced that it is realistically possible to maintain a stance of mindfulness, whilst caring for up to four young children at once.

It’s not the magic solution as often advertised

Mindfulness hasn’t brought the acceptance of myself as a parent, as I would’ve hoped. Practising mindfulness doesn’t solve internal dilemmas that may arise from anxiety and depression experienced in parenthood (Farias et al., 2016). Mindfulness is a technique often prescribed to address depression, stress and anxiety in parenting. However, the time of parenthood for certain individuals may provoke trauma from earlier in life that may have otherwise never been exposed. Owning a history of childhood stress, trauma, rumination and anxiety are examples of characteristics that predispose individuals to potential encounters with depression later in parenting life (Farias et al., 2016).

Practitioners often use mindfulness as a means of escape (Dholakia, 2016). In doing so, they avoid processing the challenges of past trauma that affect current attitudes in parenting, which may allow them to arrive at solutions (Dholakia, 2016). Similarly, in my experience, mindfulness is used as a management for depression and anxiety, but fails to address the underlying issues that can only be addressed through talk therapy.

Ruminations are often exacerbated by the practise of mindfulness

During mindfulness practise, I feel emotions more intensely, experience increased weepiness, and a heightened state of anxiety that would leave me more distressed than before I began. Meditation on thoughts and emotions surrounding episodes of depression and anxiety often lead to an increase in symptoms (Gaynor, 2014). These may include panic, nervous tension, dizziness, low moods and self-condemning thoughts, and are due to the amplified awareness of the internal state (Gaynor, 2014).

Evidence points out that mindfulness benefits the least, those individuals who have high levels of rumination, because of increased thinking time and decreased distraction from their thoughts (Gaynor, 2014). It also highlights that mindfulness may be unsuitable, depending on the intensity of negative thinking (Gaynor, 2014). This is because it promotes inner reflection, which in turn increases potential for rumination (Gaynor, 2014). This has been my experience with mindfulness. It leaves me wondering what I’m doing wrong and why I feel intense sadness during and after my practise.

I am grateful that some forms of mindfulness techniques apply well for me, and have their place in my recovery and management of stress and depression during parenthood. My practise has become less contrived and I see its advantages to my well-being. However, as I run my fingers through my hair and burrow them into my brow, I’m mindful that mindfulness doesn’t always work well for me as a parent. I observe my frustration, breathe deep, and place my emotion on a leaf, to let it float down the stream, only to find that more emotions of sadness, feeling alone, disappointment, anxiety, humiliation and guilt are soon to follow. I acknowledge, it’s not the solution for negative emotion and mental illness experienced during my time as a parent.

References

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Bögels, S. M., Lehtonen, A., & Restifo, K. (2010). Mindful parenting in mental health care. Mindfulness, 1(1), 107–120. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-010-0014-5

Sansone, R. A., & Sansone L. A. (2010). Gratitude and well-being: the benefits of appreciation. Psychiatry (Edgmont), 7(11), 18–22.

Kyeong, S., Kim, J., Kim, D. J., Kim, H. E., & Kim, J. (2017). Effects of gratitude meditation on neural network functional connectivity and brain-heart coupling. Scientific reports, 7(1), 5058. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-017-05520-9

Farias, M., & Wikholm, C. (2016). Has the science of mindfulness lost its mind? BJPsych bulletin, 40(6), 329–332. https://doi.org/10.1192/pb.bp.116.053686

Dholakia, U. (2016). The little-known downsides of mindfulness practise. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/the-science-behind-behavior/201604/the-little-known-downsides-mindfulness-practice

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Gehl, M., Kinsner, K., & Parlakian R. (2018). Mindfulness for parents. Zero to three: early connections last a lifetime. https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/2268-mindfulness-for-parents#chapter-1553

Bowlby, J. (2019). What is the circle of security? Developing specific relationship strategies. Circle of security international: early intervention program for parents and children. https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/circle-of-security-model/what-is-the-circle-of-security/

Baylor University. (2020). Mindfulness combined with hypnotherapy aids highly stressed people, study finds: ‘Novel intervention’ may be as effective — or more so — as existing treatments. ScienceDaily. www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/06/200615184150.htm