Conservative Outrage Over the Hand-Washing Mandate
By: Walter Rhein
Tags: Republicans, Government, Health, Conservatives, Coronavirus

Conservative Outrage Over the Hand-Washing Mandate

Image courtesy of Walter Rhein

Remember how there was a huge revolt over the idea that Americans could save each other’s lives simply by wearing masks? Other countries in the world had no problem with it whatsoever. They all adopted the attitude that, “Gee, if we can save the elderly by wearing a mask, we should absolutely do it.”

But not Americans. Specifically, not American conservatives.

Nope, they hit the pause button on their daily sanctimonious chest thumping about how much they defend and worship the sanctity of ALL life to stop and scream with unbridled rage about how wearing a mask violated their constitutional rights.

“It’s my RIGHT as an American to let other Americans die a horrible death!” became their rallying cry. So, the virus raged across the country like a wildfire.

But the mandate also included hand-washing

As irritating as the anti-mask sentiment was, it kind of overshadowed the anti-hand washing outrage.

“How dare the government tell me to wash my hands! These soiled, disease ridden mitts are badges of FREEDOM!”

Although most of the videos and tweets have been deleted now, for a brief moment the internet was filled with pseudo-scientific arguments about why people should be exempted from hand-washing for religious reasons, how it would give you cancer, how it wasn’t effective at stopping the spread of disease, and on and on and on.

The best anti-hand-washing video

The very best protest video that I saw consisted of a man sitting in what appeared to be his mother’s basement. He was wearing a MAGA hat, holding an American flag, and his hands seemed to be completely covered in a thick, brownish substance that I like to think was Nutella.

“I haven’t washed my hands since this whole BOLOGNA-Virus nonsense began!” He screamed, reaching up to adjust his glasses and leaving a brown smear from his chin to his temple.

“The government can’t make ME wash my hands! I haven’t washed my hands for two whole months. It will take more than a toilet paper shortage to make ME wash my hands! That’s just part of their plot! Hand washing is a lie! A viscous, cruel, conspiracy brought on by the liberal elite who control and operate every facet of our government!”

The next thirty seconds or so of his speech became incomprehensible. Then his voice raised an octave, he shot off a couple rounds from his AR-15, and he launched into his dramatic conclusion while brandishing an American flag.

“This flag!” he screamed, leaving brown hand prints all over the red, white and blue surface. “The red of this flag represents the blood of the patriots who died to give us our freedom, the white represents…well, never mind what the white represents. The blue represents, um, the sky, wait, it represents the ocean! Anyway, this flag, this flag represents my love of my country and my freedom, and I would just as soon BURN this flag as wash my hands!”

By then, his face, the flag, the MAGA cap, and basically the whole room was so covered in the Nutella-like substance that all you could see was the flashing tempest of madness in his eyes.

Then he cried!

I’m serious, his frustration boiled over to the point where tears began to cut flesh colored lines down the soiled surface of his face. And he started smacking his lips, like the tears were washing the Nutella (but it wasn’t Nutella) into his mouth.

Then he started to gag. Then he pretended he wasn’t gagging and that he liked it. In fact, he tried to sell this by jamming a finger into his mouth and sucking it clean.

He managed to gasp, “It’s nutty!”

Then he really did gag, and he turned his head to vomit, and the channel cut out just like when Anderson Cooper tried to interview Scott Walker.

Pretty convincing

You got to hand it to conservatives. No matter how dumb the arguments of their political leaders, they are always willing to adopt them and believe them without pausing for as much as a moment of personal reflection.

As for me, I don’t think a government mandate to wash your hands infringes upon your constitutional rights.

In fact, I think not washing your hands makes you pretty stupid. Just like not wearing your mask. But I don’t have a fact allergy, not that such a condition exists, no matter what the conservatives might say.