How to Talk to Kids About Wet Dreams, Tampons and Santa
By: Rebecca Hollinger
Tags: Self Improvement, Life, Parenting, Education, Life Lessons

How to Talk to Kids About Wet Dreams, Tampons and Santa

The Secret to Answering Hard Questions

“Mom…,” pleads ten-year-old Sam, “Tell me the truth about Santa.” “What do you want to know?” I ask, buying time, trying to figure out what exactly I’m going to say. “I want to know the truth about Santa. Is there really a REAL Santa?”

Admittedly, Sam was a bit old to be having this particular conversation. Some might wonder how he could actually still believe in Santa Claus at the age of ten. In some way, we all still believed in Santa in our house; Santa had become a metaphor for our spirit of giving.

Answer Hard Questions with a Question

Nine years earlier, when Sam’s older sister Christine was seven, she had come to me near tears and asked if Santa was a real person. I wasn’t expecting this question yet. She was our oldest and still entrenched in the magical notion of Santa delivering gifts to her stocking while she slept on Christmas Eve.

I try to let the child lead the way into these discussions. When they are ready to know, they will usually ask. They may not be ready for the information they are asking for; as the parent, it’s my job to pick away at the question, read their expressions and body language, and determine how much information they are ready to hear.

According to Ron Lieber, New York Times columnist, author and speaker on parenting, money and values, the perfect response to most hard questions is, “Why do you ask?”

Answering a hard question with a question of your own (“Why do you ask?”) gives you a chance to figure out what the child really wants to know, get some background to frame their question, and gives you time to consider your answer. Lieber emphasizes that when asking this question, it’s critical to ask it in an encouraging manner, rather than with suspicion if we want our kids to come to us with their questions.

My approach has always been honest, open communication when the child is ready. Openness happens when we make ourselves available and approachable. I may take my time to answer, but I answer honestly.

When talking to your child, try the following approach:

Take time to look at your child in the face , without a cell phone or device between you.

, without a cell phone or device between you. Get on their level . Sit together at the kitchen table, or crouch down to meet their eyes.

. Sit together at the kitchen table, or crouch down to meet their eyes. Figure out what they really want to know. “Why do you ask?” is a great first response to most hard questions.

“Why do you ask?” is a great first response to most hard questions. Listen. You may find out the child really wants to know something different than what you think they want to know.

You may find out the child really wants to know something different than what you think they want to know. Answer honestly, but sparingly. Let your child ask for more information.

The Proverbial Santa Dilemma

When Christine asked me if Santa was a real person, I took a deep breath and said, “Why do you ask?” She told me that her friend Maya had told her that Santa wasn’t real. I could tell that Christine knew Maya was right, but she wanted me to deny it. She was our oldest; I hadn’t yet had this kind of conversation. I took a deep breath and let the right words form in my thoughts.

“If you are asking me if there is a man in a red and white suit who flies through the sky in a sleigh pulled by reindeer delivering toys on Christmas, I can tell you that is not true. But if you are asking me if there is a Santa Claus, my answer is yes, there is. Because Santa lives in my heart. I like to think about the story of Santa up at the North Pole with elves making toys. If he really were there, he couldn’t do it all by himself; he’d need help. I love to give presents to people I care about, and I feel like one of Santa’s helper elves when I think about what gifts I can give.”

I asked Christine how she felt about that and if she would like to be a Christmas elf-helper this year. This new knowledge gave her a sense of responsibility and trustworthiness. She agreed that her younger brothers ought to keep believing in Santa until they were ready to ask for themselves. She helped me think of some things her brothers might like to receive in their stockings that year and was my side-kick helper-elf whenever presents needed wrapping.

Tampons Are Like Lily Pads

Christine was barely 5 years old when my best friend Claire explained what a tampon is for, how it is used, and why. Now, Claire and I share parenting values, but we are opposites when it comes to action. She’s a college chemistry teacher with a Ph.D. My teaching expertise rose out of my experience working in a Waldorf preschool. Claire and I balance each other as mothers and continue to learn from each other.

On the day Claire informed me that she’d explained to my kindergartener the tampons' ins and outs, I was taken aback and a little angry. I took a deep breath and found my voice. “I wish you hadn’t. I was right here; you should have sent her to me.”

Christine had followed Claire into the bathroom that day; seeing the white plastic tube in Claire’s hand inspired curiosity. Claire had responded to my daughter’s questions with a mini biology lesson — way more instruction than I felt was appropriate for a 5-year-old. Too much information can create confusion, possible misconceptions, and insecurity.

Christine already knew and used all the proper names for the parts of her body. She knew what her vulva was and that the word vagina was used to describe her part on the inside. She hadn’t yet expressed an interest in knowing any more details. Children’s minds process information differently than adult minds.

My own response would have been something like, “You know Mommy uses lily pads?” (This is what we called mini and maxi pads at the time.) “I use a tampon for the same reason I use lily pads.” Then I would stop talking. If Christine had asked more questions, I would have given her more complete details. Honesty is important; knowledge can wait until it’s requested or needed.

What about those times when knowledge is needed but not requested?

Questions They Will Never Ask

Unlike his older sister, our son Jake was quiet and reserved. He knew he could come to either his dad or me with questions, but we often had to coax it out of him. One morning when Jake was twelve, I noticed sticky stuff on his sheets. I changed the sheets and put a clean hand towel in the corner of his bed.

Later that day, I sat down next to him and initiated the conversation he was never going to start.

“Jake, I put clean sheets on your bed today. We’ve talked about how the body works and sex. Remember how I explained that it’s normal at your age to have wet dreams?” “Mo-om!” “And it’s also normal to ejaculate when you masturbate.” “Oh my God, Mom. I get it!”

I shrugged off his embarrassment, showed him where I’d put the towel, and let him know he was welcome to change his sheets or the towel whenever he wanted; nobody would pry or ask him any questions. He, on the other hand, could ask us any questions, anytime.

Why Didn’t You Lie to Me?

You are probably wondering how the Santa-Claus conversation went with ten-year-old Sam?

I was scrambling to come up with the right words for him, so I fished; “Are you asking me if there is a real person named Santa Claus who lives up at the North Pole with elves, making gifts for you?” “Yes! I want to know the truth!” “What makes you ask about Santa now?” I asked, while I collected my thoughts. (Another version of ‘why do you ask?’) Sam told me he didn’t think Santa would be able to find us this year, because we were in Texas and not where we usually were at Christmastime, in Florida. Besides, he didn’t think Santa could really make it to every house at the same time. I could tell he was suspicious of the entire concept, and yet he didn’t want me to tell him that it wasn’t true. I entertained a few different answers in my mind. “Do you really want to know?” I asked. “YES!” he wailed. So I jumped in and told him what I had told his sister nine years before about Santa. Sam’s response? “NOOOOOO! Why didn’t you just LIE to me!!! I didn’t want to know!”

Sam didn’t want to embrace any feel-good storybook idea of Santa. He just wanted to be devastated for a minute or two.

I had to remind myself that my job is to be a parent and that sometimes our kids are not happy with us. But they need to know they can come to us for honest answers to hard questions. Make sure to ask, “Why do you ask?” so that you are not answering the wrong question or giving them more information than they are ready to hear.