What Stops You From Living as Your True Self
By: Diana Waldron
Tags: Health, Lifestyle, Creativity, Healing, Self Improvement

We are social beings. How we’ve learned to survive is by adapting to the environment around us. As children, we needed to get certain needs met by our parents, so we unconsciously conformed to their behaviors and expectations. We took their view of reality as “the” reality. But as we grow up, this doesn’t work anymore. It becomes a limitation, hindering our ability to authentically discover and live out the myriad of soul qualities we have—beyond what could possibly have ever been nurtured by a parent.

If you are like me, then you were also raised by parents who “did their best” but did not mirror back to you any sort of emotional experience or validation. Instead, you learned that nothing you did or said mattered because no one would be paying attention anyway. You learned that being quiet was the way to get acceptance. You learned that being passive was the easiest way to avoid conflict.

Discovering our true self can be scary. Ultimately, the self is like a river: It flows, and we see different aspects of it at different times in our lives. It is not like we find our true self and then that’s who we are forever. We are always changing, but our pure essence remains the same.

When we change disproportionately to the people around us, we might start to think that something is wrong with us. We might even start to sabotage our own growth because, suddenly, it doesn’t match up with the environment around us anymore. So, we try to pretend we’re not growing. We try to blind ourselves to the fact hthat some places no longer fit anymore. We try to keep the old game going. We try to stick to the status quo. Maybe I can just hang on to a few of the old things while I grow into my new life. Maybe I won’t have to let EVERYTHING go. Maybe some things can still stay. But it seems that once you start shifting one thing, slowly, slowly, everything else starts to change as well. You start shifting and then the world around you shifts as well.

And then we’re left with decisions — to continue on in the old ways, knowing we’ve outgrown them, or evolve into the unknown. We come up against choice points in life. Places or times in our lives when decisions must be made — do we go back to school? That teacher is getting older and probably won’t be teaching for much longer. Do we start a romantic relationship? Not really in our control either. Do we move to the other side of the country and hope to start a new career? What are the costs and benefits of these choices?

Personally, I am a chronic advice-asker. I will ask you and your mother and people I’ve just met— what they think I should do with my life. Yet I am always brought back to the same realization: Any time I have ever listened to someone else’s opinion about what I should be doing in my life — it has usually not been beneficial. All it did was make me more confused and more hesitant.

An example: I asked my friend if she thought I should study sitar. She said absolutely not — that I was just being impulsive and that I needed to stick to learning one instrument (I had just started learning drums). I listened to her.

But it began to eat away at me. I kept having this nagging feeling about sitar. I was just so curious about it. I’m not sure what I was afraid of going for it. In reality, I could have just bought the sitar and started learning it and then stopped if I didn’t want to continue. But in the moment, we think decisions are life-changing. And they are. But maybe not in the catastrophic way our minds are so easily led to believe. Our minds start to think it’s life or death, and then we go into fight or flight mode.

In reality, if I had chosen NOT to go with sitar, I’d have probably continued to learn the drums and continued in my poetry studies. Who knows how that might have been different? But since I did decide to take up the study of sitar, I got to reap the benefits of it. Sure, it has been a lot of work, a lot of time, and a lot of pain. But I got something irreplaceable in return: the bliss of beautiful sound. As well as the wonderful people I’ve met along the way. It has enhanced my life and enriched my mind, heart, and soul.

Anyway, my point is that — your heart calls uniquely to you. Decisions are not a group decision. You do not need to call a public hearing or consult the oracle or pull tarot cards or call your best friend in order to gain the confidence to pursue yourself — because that’s ultimately what you are doing. You are gaining the confidence to pursue your highest self and evolve into your truest expression.

Ultimately, no one has the answer for you, and no one can tell you when the “right” time to do anything is. Not even a pandemic. A pandemic doesn’t stop you from following your heart. It cannot.

So, we have a choice: Do we stubbornly cling to the known until we’re a dried out shell of who we used to be or do we take the daring leap of faith into a new world, into our soul? Sure, we might disappoint a few people who had “expectations” for us — but are you ok with disappointing yourself and going without fully developing your true potential?

Ultimately, any decision is an act of faith. Someone may decide to go back to school — thinking that it would be the most “practical” way of getting financial/job security and therefore avoid the many potential pitfalls in life. But is that really a secure decision? What if the teacher falls sick? What if the school goes out of business while you’re still in process and you can’t get your money back? There are so many factors that play into this that we cannot make decisions just by logic alone. Logic is good for managing things once a decision has been made — but as far as the initial decision — we have to listen to our hearts.

Some things I like to think of when I’m in the process of making a decision:

-Would I regret not making this decision?

-When I get to the end of my life, will I have wished I made this decision?

-Why am I making this decision?

-Why am I afraid of committing to this decision?

-Is it really as black and white as I am making it out to be?

-Will I be able to make this decision at a later date? Is there a time constraint involving any of this?

-What feels most exciting to me right now?

-What do I envision in the long-term?

-How will this decision impact other areas of my life?

-Am I committed to keeping this decision even when things get hard?

-Has anyone else in my life ever made a similar decision before? What has she/he done? (This isn’t to say you should do what she/he did but is just to give you a reference to see how others have overcome similar obstacles.)

-Am I acting out of my wound? Am I seeking the unrequited love of a parent figure? (Valid question)

-What calls me home?

-When I listen to my heart, what is it guiding me to do?

Ultimately, it is only the inner voice of your true self that can guide you home. You already have the answers you seek.