How to Be an Active Listener
By: Renée Kapuku
Tags: Leadership, Self, Advice, Creativity, Personal Growth

How to Be an Active Listener

Communication begins with listening — properly.

I hate it when people don’t listen.

Sure, they hear what you’re saying. They register the noise that comes out of your mouth when you are speaking. But they don’t really hear you. They may be able to respond. But their effectivity is hampered by the fact that they weren’t listening intently in the first place.

One of my most memorable first dates with a guy I thought was cute was a trainwreck. Nothing super dramatic — he just seemed to have the brain cells of a pigeon. It was such a shame because he was a hotty.

We were having dinner after going to watch a film. That had been super awkward. The guy kept trying to make a move, even though we had said no more than three words to each other in person. As we were eating dinner, he had his phone out on the table and was super unsettled.

“So what’re your thoughts on the issue?” I repeated. He looked up, half startled. “What?” “You know. On institutional racism in the education system.” I persisted. Granted, it was a heavy topic for a first date, but I’d just spent a few minutes talking about my passions after being prompted.

“It’s bad I guess.” he shrugged. I raised my eyebrow and continued eating in silence. When we finished, he offered to walk me home — to which he repeatedly attempted to make a move. I was so unimpressed, I just patted his shoulder and insisted on making the journey alone.

“I’ll call you.”

I did text him later, but he had swiftly been relegated to an acquaintance. It was a shame too — he ticked every box I had when it came to physical attraction. I just couldn’t stand romantically engaging with someone with the personality of wallpaper.

Perhaps it’s happened to you in the same kind of situation. Or maybe you have a friend who just doesn’t seem to hear anything you say when you’re talking. Or a parent, or colleague.

Maybe the story hit home for you because the guy is you.

Wherever it hits home for you, I think one thing is pretty clear. We could all do with a bit more active listening when it comes to our relationships.

Make Eye Contact

The first law of active listening is eye contact.

Now, this doesn’t mean that at all moments in the presence of someone else, you must stare into the very depths of their soul. That’s creepy. Don’t do that.

What it does mean is ensuring that you focus your attention wholly on the individual. Attention is important. How many dates (aside from mine) were killed by a lack of eye contact? My general rule of thumb is to avoid distractions, such as phones, when I am in the presence of another person. I tend to be more stringent with this when trying to build intimacy.

Eye contact is important because it creates a level of intimacy that encourages responsiveness in the person you are listening to. It communicates respect, genuine interest, understanding, and appreciation. It’s simple but underrated. Maintain eye contact.

The Devil in the Details

Details matter. Listening out for the detail in what the other person says is crucial.

For those of you with absolutely no game, listen up. You don’t need a corny pickup line or to overdo it on the sexual tension. All you need to do is pay attention to the details.

If you are getting to know someone for the first time, make an active effort to ask questions that require details. Ask them what their favorite food is, why, and what flavors they think go well together. Ask them about an embarrassing childhood moment, and how they felt specifically at the time. Ask them their opinion on a controversial topic, and figure out precisely what experiences shaped that worldview.

It’s not that hard — it just requires active effort. It’s all about teasing out the details you can use later on.

Repetition is Your Best Friend

Repeating elements of what was said will help you by a long shot.

Not only does it clarify whether what you heard was what the other person said, but it sets you up to answer as accurately and as true to yourself as possible. It also shows that you were actively listening.

It’s kind of like an exam. You know when you receive a question, and your teacher always advises you to use elements of that question to answer it? It makes sure that you focus on the question and answer accordingly. It demonstrates that you know exactly what the examiners are looking for.

Apply this principle to listening. When people are speaking, and sharing their stories or opinion with you, looking for key phrases that you can repeat shows that you understand their viewpoint.

Don’t repeat everything, of course. That would be weird. Balance, my dearest.

Easy on the Projection

Stop projecting. There, I said it. Somebody had to.

As human beings, the way we engage with the world is subject to our experiences, our feelings, and our understanding of the world. Whilst giving advice or sharing your opinion is one thing, projecting these things onto another person is another.

The first three tips will help you avoid this. Oftentimes, projection happens when a conflict arises between your unconscious feelings and conscious beliefs. To deal with these issues, you transfer ownership of your feelings and thoughts onto an external source.

For example, internal anger is an emotion often projected onto someone else. If you are still dealing with unresolved anger at another situation, chances are you’re likely to not process what someone else is objectively saying to you. Do you ever get into an argument with a loved one over something stupid? Chances are, one of you were projecting and not listening. That’s why you must check your emotional state, for the benefit of the other person.