How Pandemic Sex Videos Transformed Scarcity into Sovereignty
Tags: Kink, Sexuality, Pornography, Body Positive, BDSM

Photographed by Boon Ong.

It’s bittersweet to start monetizing your sex in your 30s. My sense of self is stronger, but my tits are starting to show their struggle.

I’ve been documenting my sex as long as I’ve been having it and photography has been my profession almost just as long, but the worlds stayed separate until the pandemic.

There have always been a lot of kink and almost-erotic themes in my professional photography, because that’s what’s been taking up 99% of my subconscious, but my aesthetic was always “almost…but not quite”.

Toeing that line got me kicked off all the major platforms in the digital cull of December 2020 — including losing my Instagram account of 12k followers and my main lifeline to my freelance clientele.

So after my digital reality collapsed on top of my already destroyed physical one — I said fck it and decided to stop trying so hard.

All my neurodivergent brain REALLY ever wanted to do was live a simple slutty life in nature with humans I love while making art.

Instead I’ve spent the last decade trying to “make it” in a city of 2 million people by shooting clients, sitting at a computer and slowly dipping in and out of depression and self-destructive patterns.

Once the pandemic gamecube descended upon us, I grabbed a bottle and headed for my roof.

I drank.

I cried.

I did pushups.

Then I made a note to try a new order next time.

All the things I had been “hustling” for — ?

The kink lifestyle I had been building — ?

The plans, the money, the relationships, the lives — all the things we all lost and all the questions that got put in their place.

And I found myself back at a familiar spot — asking myself if I wanted to live and what I planned to do with that thought.

And then it morphed…were the things I had the things I wanted? Or were they just the things I had?

My method with my suicidal ideations has always been “if you think you’re gonna do it…go hard until then.” It only makes sense in my senseless brain — why would I hold back before pulling the chute?

Intrusive thoughts have never scared me, even if they’ve taken many others from me. Because whenever I’ve facefcked them with pleasure and gratitude and experiences worth living for — they shut up (…which is probably why I’m into edge play).

Domming myself has saved my life so many times it’s just an automatic response at this point.

Teeny Tiny Taylor — photographed by Justin Robinson.

When my bratty little inner child wants to stay in bed and eat her feelings (or do more dangerous things), Daddy ego throws her in the cold shower until she learns to like it (…which actually happened and is probably why I’m into it.)

So my new ethos for this new reality became to let go of all previous expectations of myself and just focus on having the best sex of my life.

Since logic and sense seemed to be in short supply, that felt as solid of a plan as any.

The first thing I did was make a promise to stay sober for the rest of the year (and I did).

The second thing I did was admit that I wanted to have sex with my Instagram crush from across the country — and to make it happen. I had been lusting after this human from afar (from within my then monogamous relationship) for quite some time — and for some very specific reasons — but could not figure out how to turn fantasy into reality.

Until we both just got fear out of the way and said “let’s just try.”

He came to stay with my partner and I. We went in with no expectations, but many desires. We spent a lot of time negotiating, discussing insecurities and grounding with each other and as a result we got to share so many firsts physically and emotionally.

That experience was an extended moment of clarity that had me looking around and thinking “if this is what happens when I say yes to things that scare me — I’m never holding back again.”

I felt like my heart and head finally opened up and said “You know you love it. It’s the thing you’ve always been the best at. You’ve put the most work into having access to it. You have the most fun doing it. So stop lying to yourself! And just go…run…fuck. And tell the world! Because they need to know that everyone is the most beautiful version of themselves when they’re cumming and crying”.

And once I shared that sexual group experience on MLNP and felt the reception, I was confident this was something I wanted to do from a place of intent and not simply scarcity.

I had multiple false starts, trying to collaborate with other “performers” and figuring out “branding” and “aesthetic”. And even though THAT’S WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING — I struggled to do it with myself.

I tried to lean into my look — being petite and babyfaced there is an easy stereotype to project onto me. However it’s my least-favourite to actually experience in life and to be sexualized in this fashion was not something I had the energy to uphold, regardless of potential payoff.

I tried to collaborate with creators that had personas rather than personalities. While these humans were stunning — doing something simply for the aesthetics lost its appeal early on in my 20s and having sex feel performative felt more invasive than any tentacle I’ve taken.

Photograph by Boon Ong.

Sex was my first form of meditation — my first place of play and emotional exploration.

Its power is so potent to my person that while I respect and admire those that can turn it into performance art — my body refuses.

My system demands authentic carnal connection because as an assumed autistic — I can smell a facade (and to me it smells like processed food farts.)

So my actual human that I regularly have and record sex with started questioning his own comforts and safety with being louder online about our at-home weirdness.

His professional environment is considerably more conservative than mine and professional concerns were real.

But…we also really, really REALLY missed the energy of having sex in a room full of people — something we did a lot of pre-pandemic.

The thing we missed the most was the compersion we would get with a group in the room.

We are so genuinely attracted to each other energetically, physically and spiritually that outsiders have never hesitated to tell us they could see that when they watch us.

And knowing our love and lust can be seen outside ourselves has been one of the most strengthening forces of it.

When we recorded our sex for private consumption, it remained largely a masturbatory act with hints of ego and art.

Now that we monetize it, it has become a lot more mindful of an act because of the added layers of perception to be considered.

We still pick up the camera just for us (you only see about 1% of the collection) and have tried our best to maintain the same type of energy regardless if the content is for personal consumption or public distribution — which has been a challenge bumped up against again and again.

Mainly for me.

I’ve been naked on the internet as long as I’ve legally been allowed to be, but being sexualized publicly brought on the work of deconstructing hidden layers of shame and insecurity around my kinks and my body.

I love losing myself in the energies of those I trust because I find nothing more healing than to play with our subconscious — but right now it borders on miraculous if I can let go enough to orgasm on camera. The thought of being even partially performative usually keeps it from happening — but practice makes perfect!

In the meantime I’m so grateful for my partner that has been on the receiving end of several naked meltdowns when things get too overwhelming. Part of pushing boundaries means sometimes going too far too fast and when endorphins meet emotions meet hormones meet insecurities…pretty much anything can happen.

But, that is real and life and sex and I wouldn’t have it any other way. On the other side of every difficult conversation, experience or trigger has always, without fail, been expansion. The only way out is through — and sometimes it’s messy and rough.

I believe in displaying a supported chaotic abandonment of boundaries in pursuit of authentic connection because it has endlessly strengthened my sense of self, happiness, and ambition in and out of sex.

Other parts of my life have improved as a byproduct of the work I put into grounding myself in my desires, what they mean and moving them from fantasy to reality.

My desire with my videos is to be an example of sex as energy work and to me the best example I can be is just an honest one.

I thought it would take me a lot longer to manifest mountains — potentially years.

But thanks to letting go into the unknown and having those choices reinforced by support from humans like those of the MLNP community- it’s happening next month.

Now I get to pay my rent with my humans doing stuff to my butt in nature. It’s thing I wanted all along — but had to spend 10 years doing other things first to be really sure I could actually allow myself to have it.

Every time I open up to the person I actually want to be, even if she scares me, I learn a new truth.

And this time I learned pleasure and play are what make the human experience worth having