Bisexual, Orthodox Jewish, and Scared to Come Out
By: James Finn
Tags: Jewish, Religion, LGBTQ, Equality, Advice

Dear Mulling,

Child, such a hard question you ask! You’ve got Aunty chewing on the ends of her garish pink feather boa. How can you find balance in your life when forces push you (hard!) in opposite directions? How to find fulfillment and happiness?

According to a recent article in Haaretz, the Modern Orthodox movement is accepting LGBTQ people more and more. Rabbis tend to encourage parents to accept their LGBTQ children, but social pressure can be rough. Families vary, and reactions can be negative.

What SHOULD you do?

I don’t think an old Aunty can tell you that. Only you can decide. But may I spread some maps out on the table? Maybe studying them for a while will help you find the road you need.

First, let Aunty make a sly observation. The fact that you asked the question tells me it’s important to you. It tells me that possibly pursuing a relationship with a woman one day matters more than you might be admitting to me or to yourself. It tells me that you feel you aren’t free to be you.

I think you want to be free.

The heart wants what the heart wants, doesn’t it? Lightning strikes at the most inopportune times. Aunty knows! How many times have I thought myself stable and serene with my lot, only to have love thwap me upside the head?

I think you know that if you don’t leave yourself open to love, that you may miss out forever on something special and beautiful. I think you’re afraid of missing out.

But, but, but, Aunty! My family!

I get it, dear. You live in a conservative world where family connections are powerful and important. You fear that many of the people closest to you would reject you if you were fully yourself to them.

But would they? That’s the rub. That’s what it boils down to.

One of the most powerful parts of coming out is how we shatter stereotypes and biases. Sometimes our biggest allies are ourselves. Check it out. Your family know you as a three-dimensional person. They love you for who you are. If you come out to them, will they be shocked?

Quite possibly.

But they’ll still know you! It might take some time, but they’ll see that you’re still the same woman they respect and appreciate. You aren’t some hypothetical bisexual person, but a beloved daughter, sister, cousin, friend.

That’s powerful stuff, and often powerful enough.

If I were writing to an adolescent or young adult, this is where I’d advise you to be safe, not to come out if there was any doubt that you’d lose the family support you need to thrive, educate yourself, and get on your feet.

But you, dear Musing, told me in your full letter that you’re past that stage in your life. You’re a strong, independent, successful adult. Naturally, that doesn’t make family rejection hurt less. It just makes the potential consequences less fraught.

Speaking of consequences, your family’s religious traditions prize love, kindness, family, and justice. If you come out, you can give them a chance to put those principles into action despite whatever they might see as the letter of the law.

I have little doubt that some of them would stand with you. Sadly, as you’ve already found with one friend, reactions can vary, and you might lose some relationships you value deeply.

Aunty has been there, done that, child!

And you know what? Some of the most conservative religious people in my life ended up firm supporters, especially my father. Other relationships changed or ended. Sadly.

My life didn’t change for the worse, though. It grew richer, fuller, and more complex and layered with every year that passed. Love found me, and more than once. The more I welcomed it into my life, the richer I became.

Could that be you? I can’t say. I can’t predict what your family will do. But I have reason to hope for you. And I have reason to know that you striking your own bargains with life with make you fulfilled and happy in the long run. Making your family’s needs your needs may satisfy for a while. But will you end up resenting them? Can you instead find a road that honors both you and them?

Here’s something that might help. PFLAG, the LGBTQ family support organization, has put together a list of faith resources for Jews — advocacy groups that provide information, networking, and peer support for “creating community and acceptance for LGBTQ Jews and their families in Orthodox communities.”

You have a real challenge facing you, but with good information, friends, networking, and support, I’m confident you can find the road to where you want to be.

I wish you clear vision and thinking.

That’s another Aunty Jimothy column on Medium, guys and girls. Got a question? Post it under this story or email jamesfinnwrites@gmail.com and she’ll do her best to crank out some pearlescent balls of wisdom.

By the way, I’ve got a whole bat cave full of lesbians, trans guys and girls, and kinky polyamorous bisexual chicks. So when you ask Aunty Jimothy, you’re tapping into a lot more than just Dame Edna’s cranky nemesis.

Ask anything! Love, sex, dating, hooking up, Tinder and Grindr culture, and HIV/STD concerns. Life with your straight family. Coming out. Or not.

This Old Aunty has the Answers. Somewhere. If I can just remember where I left my purse.