Navigating Shyness in a Pandemic
By: Heather Grant
Tags: Shyness, Pandemic, Introversion, Life Lessons

Shyness in the Pandemic

For shy souls, the new social world comes with a new set of challenges to navigate. Spontaneous chats when you bump into colleagues are largely a thing of the past. We now communicate with scheduled group calls, online games nights, and an influx of social media. It seems to require a lot more reaching out and speaking up, which goes against the laying low and staying quiet shyness-instinct.

But there are ways to regain control and overcome the new social hurdles.

Use this thinking time

Researchers have found that it is often best for people to acknowledge and reflect on their shyness, to escape feeling self-conscious in social situations. If you’re aware your feelings are attributed to your shyness, rather than the reality of what other people think, then you can assure yourself that it’s merely a perception that can be altered.

This is the approach tennis champion Naomi Osaka is taking during the lockdown. She has opened up about her shyness in the public eye, and how she is using this time to reflect:

‘There’s a lot of times where I see myself in situations where I could have put my input in, but instead I’ve held my tongue and things kept moving in a way that I didn’t really enjoy […] I feel like if I asserted myself I would have gotten the opportunity to see what would have happened.’

Being removed from social situations that previously triggered feelings of shyness provides an opportunity to take a step back and consider the ‘what’ and ‘why’ behind it.

What were my thoughts? Why did I feel like I couldn’t speak? And this understanding provides the foundation for owning and controlling those thoughts and feelings.

You’re in control: If you don’t want to speak, then don’t…

In some situations, I simply can’t think of what to say; my mind goes blank and I get in a tangled state of trying to find words to contribute. That’s where I feel like I’m shy again. Not because I’m being quiet, but because of the pressure I am putting on myself to speak.

But who says you have to talk all the time? If you don’t have anything to say, then why panic with the pressure of searching for something meaningless to contribute.

With every zoom call or video chat, it’s getting harder to find things to talk about. ‘What have you been up to?’ doesn’t work when there’s not a lot we’re allowed to ‘be up to’. And even the very nature of a video call, the constant watching yourself being watched, can make the experience draining.

Now’s a good time to be frank about your emotional needs, since the whole planet is going through some level of suffering. If you want a bit of off-screen time, it’s not impolite to communicate that. It may even encourage others to express their needs to you in the future. It’s a great thing to put into place for when we re-enter the post-pandemic world.

Alternatively, if you want to reach out to others but you just don’t want to speak, remember there’s value in being a listener, too. Being interested in people is a beautiful trait, and can help you all relax into a more meaningful conversation.

…but equally, don’t make a habit of avoidance

Though it slightly contradicts my last point, it's important to note that sometimes you’re going to have to talk to people even when you don’t feel like it.

Shy people like an excuse to stay shy. And although this afforded lack of interaction might seem a relief to some, repeated avoidance can contribute to persistent social anxiety. Blake Stobie, clinical director of the Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma in South London, wonders whether this short-term relief can lead to a long-term problem:

‘Safety-seeking behaviour and avoidance are key factors in anxiety disorders, and we’re looking at a situation where this is naturally being enforced on a societal level. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that the anxiety itself is being addressed. So if you’re socially anxious and you’re in lockdown, then you might expect that your anxiety would reduce. But you haven’t treated the anxiety’

Although shyness isn’t the same as an anxiety disorder, as it is a character trait rather than a mental illness, many of the behavioral attributes are the same; they both involve a level of anxiety in social situations. Without positive interactions that prove socializing isn’t all that bad, people can be stuck with the thoughts that it is.

Sometimes you’ve just got to do it. Take a deep breath and send that text. Like building a muscle, the more you work at it the stronger it becomes, so don’t make a habit of avoiding your friends.

And after all, shyness is a character trait that isn’t inherently bad. Even when the world feels like its slipping from our grip, it is still something you have the potential to control.