What I Didn’t Know About Narcissists
Tags: Dating Tips, Divorce, Divorced With Kids, Narcissism

Just when I thought finalizing the divorce meant peace at last, it was only the calm before the storm.

The Beginning

My ex and I met in 2009 as co workers in a call center where romantic relationships either flourish or turn sour. Since I had just gotten out of a relationship at the time, I was hesitant to invest my time and emotions so quickly. Hereinafter, my ex will be referred to as “Alberto” of Balkan heritage. I was 26 at the time and he had just turned 30. Alberto and I started out as friends sharing stories about our past heartbreaks and mutual desire to fall in love and start a family one day. As time progressed, the friendship organically turned into romance, leading to moving in together a year and a half later. I thought moving in meant the next milestone to something better and more loving but the usually warm and patient Alberto had turned into someone different.

Living Together

He suggested that the rent and living expenses would somewhat be split down the middle. Despite my traditional Asian upbringing, I went along with it and agreed to transfer funds to him after each grocery purchase. Something didn’t feel right but I was already a year and a half invested and I wasn’t getting any younger so I continued to abide and appease. I remember trying to surprise him one evening with grilled salmon and rice and beans. As I was beaming with hope that he would be delighted, he actually took the plate and dumped it in the trash saying, “This is not the style I want the beans”. I was in tears. As time went on he would pick fights over very trivial things when things were slightly cluttered, or when I wasn’t able to successfully return a used item at a Bed Bath and Beyond. I felt like a personal assistant whom he had intercourse privileges with along with financial control.

Loss of self worth

I was clearly depressed, wanting to be happy in the relationship and afraid of being alone, my self esteem dropped. I was convinced that no one besides him would want to be with me. I was convinced something was wrong with me. I was terrified of him leaving me. His mother would try to convince me that he is a great person but his chronic back condition brings out the worst in him sometimes. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Although my family urged me to get out as soon as I could, I stayed because I was compelled to mold him into a better person with my unwavering patience and acceptance. Things remained unchanged into 2012 because I ignored all the red flags. There were texts between him and women who were not his co-workers and he had purposely renamed his co-worker in his contacts from “Josephine” to “Jose”. During that time he threatened to leave me if I didn’t do things right but I couldn’t imagine doing things any better than I already had. I started wearing more makeup, getting into more feminine clothes, perfecting my cooking. It still wasn’t good enough. He had started to alienate me from my best friend and family whenever they called to check in. He accused me of being anti-social around his friends (mostly Balkan heritage) when I tried so hard to gain their liking and respect and even speaking a few words in their language.

Marriage and Home

In spring of 2013 his back condition worsened as he remained on pain killers and my care for comfort. We decided to get married in City Hall with no reception since we felt funds would be better suited for buying a home. By some miracle I got pregnant in summer of 2013. His treatment towards me was slightly better but I was still subjected to running errands for him. In spring of 2014 I gave birth to a beautiful boy. He became my purpose and joy and distraction from Alberto. Shortly after, he got fired from his job. He said there were allegations of him getting kickbacks which he strongly denied. I again gave him the benefit of the doubt. Our income was down to his unemployment and my short term disability at the time. When I wasn’t able to extend it as a way of getting more money he scolded me and made me go back to work although I wanted more bonding time with the baby. Although the expectation was I would work full time while he took care of the baby, he claimed he could not handle it with his back condition and frequently sent the baby to live with my mother every other week. I should have left at this point but now that we had a baby, I was determined to make it work. In Spring of 2015 we bought a house in Staten Island, NY. The house was decent but it needed some work. I continued being the breadwinner while he collected disability. His temper got worse when I confronted him on continuing to send our baby to my mother while he wasn’t working, wasn’t renovating the home, but was actually socializing with people. In 2016 he had finally gotten the worker’s comp payout he was looking for but he did not consider it to be our money. Therefore mortgage payments and other expenses were mostly paid on my income alone. A few months later he moved us back into my mom’s home so that he can “renovate” the home that he gutted down entirely with no permit.

Living with my mom and “Transition”

In spring of 2016 he had started to spend weekends with us at my mom’s house. Most of his time was spent living at the gutted down house alone and among other activities that I was not aware of. He moved into my mom’s place few months later while working part time at T-mobile. I had gotten pregnant in January 2017. Weeks turned into months away from the home that we bought with nearly no progress in renovation. Unfortunately had gotten fired a few months later due to allegations of lewd remarks towards a co-worker. We were again living on my income alone. In the summer of 2017 my mother confronted him on his treatment towards me so he stormed out, refusing to return. I gave birth to a beautiful girl in fall of 2017. He had been talking about getting top secret clearance in order to work for a government services corporation in the hopes of getting a contract job out of state or overseas. The thought was encouraging of course although it had already been two years since he had applied. In December of 2017 we were still not living together again but the thought of reuniting and living together as a family was certainly uplifting. He had asked me to log into his gmail account from the library to retrieve a document that his prospective employer needed him to complete. I complied and in doing so, I also took the liberty of going into his trash bin that had not been emptied. To my surprise, he had been getting matches from an online dating website. His profile was meticulously set up too with status as, “separated”. I thought we were only separated by boroughs temporarily but he had already considered dating casually. I could only conclude that while I was working and being frugal, he was having his cake and eat it too. In early 2018, I resolved to leave him for good.

Today

Fast forward three years later, we are both in new relationships. I knew what to look for in a relationship after the divorce but things don’t get easier once we are now divorced. My biggest regret was waiving my interest in the house that I didn’t get to enjoy but ended up paying months in mortgage just to leave it to him. He is also complicating the custody exchange by asking the court to allow him to pick up and drop off the kids from an alternate location until he was able to drive again. He is still not willing to drive and is not paying the court ordered child support. On top of that, he is hinting that I am overwhelmed with the kids and that he might be better suited to have custody if I would allow him. Such audacity from a master manipulator. As a custodial parent who has to juggle her own work meetings and her child’s remote learning while being stuck at home all the time, I will admit that I am a bit overwhelmed. The last thing I want is drama from him. I don’t mind the workload and it’s well worth it as I continue to persevere as a contributing member of society while raising my kids to have confidence, love, and empathy-otherwise they would end up becoming a Narcissist just like their dad.