Four of History’s Worst Romantic Breakups
By: Judy Millar
Tags: Relationships, Satire, Humor, Sex, History

So he ripped your heart out and left you shattered? She spat on your very soul? Take comfort. You’ve almost certainly been one-upped in the “Bad Beginnings / Awful Endings” Historical Relationships Sweepstakes.

Attila’s Bad “Hun”eymoon

Did your romance at least get off to a good start with a happy honeymoon? That’s more than Attila the Hun can say (or could say, if he hadn’t died in Hungary in 453 AD).

The fearsome nomadic leader who struck terror in the Western and Eastern Roman Empires of his day drunkenly choked to death on his own nosebleed blood. While in the bridal chamber. Presumably doing what bridegrooms do.

For a Hun who likely valued his bad-boy barbarian reputation, that was truly a fiasco of a finish.

Effie Gray, back away

When Euphemia (aka Effie) Gray said “I do” to handsome suitor John Ruskin in Perth, Scotland in April of 1848, she must have been anticipating a passionate wedding night. Surely the man who’d written to her about his “naughty thoughts” and called her his “saucy mountain nymph” would see that their union got off to an ardent start.

Imagine her surprise when the esteemed English art critic took his first peek under her nightgown and effectively stated she “turned him off.” Body shaming in the bridal bedchamber? Ouch.

Ruskin later wrote, “Though her face was beautiful, her person was not formed to excite passion. On the contrary… certain circumstances in her person completely checked it.”

Historians have mused about the nature of those off-putting “circumstances” for years. Was the renowned art critic accustomed to viewing female nudes as smooth marble statues and hence shocked to discover live ones had freckles, moles, or (gasp)“hair down there”? Was Ruskin perhaps homosexual? Maybe even a latent pedophile?

Whatever the reason for his reluctance, Effie’s husband could never bring himself to perform his marital duties. Six years later, a still-virginal Effie had the marriage annulled for non-consummation.

Oskar, and the one that got away

Letting go of a beloved ex can be hard for anyone. Yet few have had a tougher time moving on than eccentric Austrian artist Oskar Kokoschka.

Oskar’s art always leaned towards the disturbing. His best-known work — a self-portrait, lying alongside his lover, composer Alma Mahler — is The Bride of the Wind, 1913-1914. Unfortunately for Oskar, Alma herself was “in the wind” not long after, returning to the arms of a former lover, Walter Gropius.

Oskar was haunted by Alma’s memory. All his paintings began to resemble her. In 1918, rather than trying to find an actual Alma doppelgänger in the local dating pool, Oskar commissioned Hermine Moos, a dollmaker, to make him one.

No doubt you are now picturing Oskar enjoying the company of his manufactured “Alma” doll in the bedroom. Perhaps he did so, but Oskar wanted daily companionship too. He began to take his life-size doll on carriage rides, to dinner parties, even to the opera. This is carrying your struggle with “moving on” to a whole new level.

Unsurprisingly, anthropomorphic “Alma” never quite measured up to the real thing. Oskar ended their “affair” in 1919, very publicly, by smashing a bottle of red wine over “Alma’s” head at a drunken party. Worse, he beheaded her. Talk about a bad break-up.

But worst of all

Roman Empress Poppaea Sabina, the second wife of Emperor Nero, was a beautiful schemer. When she became pregnant in AD 62, she convinced Nero to divorce his barren wife Claudia Octavia, and marry her instead.

When Poppaea wasn’t busy scheming, she could be found enjoying her daily beauty-enhancing bath. Her secret ingredient was donkey milk (don’t knock it till you’ve tried it). Roman author Pliny the Elder noted: “Whole troops of she-asses used to attend her on her journeys.” Poppaea was definitely a “high maintenance” mate.

Despite her pampered proclivities and moral failings, Poppaea didn’t deserve the end she met in AD 65. When she dared to take on Nero for spending too much time at the races and in local brothels, he flew into a rage. Nero is said to have either kicked or jumped up and down on, her again-pregnant belly, causing her death.

Violence is the worst possible ending to any relationship, but Nero was such a monster, he managed to compound his crime. Grieving the loss of Poppaea (who’s sorry now, Nero?), he found a prepubescent former slave who somewhat resembled her, had the innocent boy castrated, married him, and made him dress up as Poppaea. The poor lad eventually took his own life.

No matter how bad your breakup, it surely pales in comparison to the awful ending of this historical debacle. So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and carry on.