Want to Strengthen Your Relationships? Give First.
By: John Cunningham
Tags: Self Improvement, Personal Growth, Relationships, Self-awareness, Negotiation

The power of reciprocity

Image by Mimirebelle

People today are concerned about what is in it for me. How they can get the most out of any situation, focused on winning regardless of the circumstances. However, these victories will always be short-lived unless they create value for others in the process. To do this, you need to use the law of reciprocity. Quite simply, if you do something nice for me I’ll do something nice for you. I feel obligated to reciprocate. Says motivational speaker Brian Tracy. There are enormous benefits to using reciprocity as a means of cultivating good relationships. Three ways to start the cycle are; give first to establish goodwill, give to build credibility and receive graciously to create reciprocation.

Just last week I took my college-aged son to lunch. We sat and talked, enjoyed our meal and I picked up the tab. Later, as we were going our separate ways, he hugged me and said, “Thanks, dad.” A hug? In public? That was worth more than ten meals! Needless to say, we both won that day.

If you would take, you must first give, this is the beginning of intelligence. Lao Tzu

Establishing Good Will

Consciously giving first demonstrates that you have the other person’s best interest at heart. You have the ability and foresight to empathize with their situation, and you are not simply focused on what is in it for you. It demonstrates that you want to engage, collaborate and share, rather than control or dominate.

Look for opportunities to assist those around you. What value can you give that will make the day a little brighter, your colleague’s work a little better or less ponderous? Helping a colleague to meet a tight deadline, or sharing your expertise to support a teammate enhance their skill set will deepen the bond and pay dividends when you need support down the road.

All relationships are built on giving and and receiving; it is the lifeblood of good ones, irrespective of if it is with a partner, family member, friend or business colleague. So, if you want to succeed, it is good to invest in the other person by giving first.

Reciprocity helps us balance the need for self-determination and creative individuality with mutual hope and, therefore, what might be described as ‘solidarity.’ David Blunkett

Building Credibility

By giving first, you establish that you are serious about finding answers that work well for both parties. Not just now but also into the future. This allows you to increase the value of the final solution, your contribution and the relationship as a whole. In the examples above, the offers served to demonstrate and remind that, “I’m here for you.” That gracious act has a long tail effect that grows over time.

Each person has a different appraisal of the offering, and in many cases, that significance is higher to the recipient. But make no mistake, as the provider, you must acknowledge the value for both you and your compadre. As such, consider what value your counterpart places on your assistance by asking thoughtful questions and suggesting insightful solutions moving towards a mutually beneficial resolution. Because you gave first, you will find reasonable people more open and amicable towards your request, just as you have been to theirs.

With my partner for example, when she has had a bad day or is just feeling blue, something as simple as putting on her favorite music (especially if it’s at the bottom of my playlist) demonstrates that I value her as a person and how she feels is important to me. This also has her thinking and feeling that I am empathetic towards her needs. You can see how this benevolence builds stronger relationships.

We are rich only through what we give, and poor only through what we refuse. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Receiving Reciprocation

One thing you may neglect to do, which is equally important, is to ask for something in return. This does not need to be immediate. You can let your request sit in trust, waiting for an opportunity to be balanced with the contribution you made previously. It is important that you do let the other person know you recognize the merit of your accommodation, using phrases like, “I know you would do the same for me.” or “You owe me one.” This back and forth builds trust in a relationship and allows both people to feel good about helping the other. Supporting a friend with sage advice, for example, could lead to your next career opportunity. When they reach out with a job opening they know you would be good for. Reciprocal favors are the lifeblood of any healthy relationship.

Your relationships are out of balance when one person yields to the wants and needs of the other repeatedly and exclusively. In this weakened state, it is more susceptible to one person choosing to walk away. So, if you give more than you take, look for ways that you can start to make withdraws, drawing on the goodwill you have been creating. Likewise, if you feel that you have taken too much from the relationship, and you have a contribution debt, it is time you started giving back.

You can get everything in life you want if you will just help enough other people get what they want. Zig Ziglar

Through giving, you invest in your partner, family members, friends, and colleagues. You increase that value by being gracious in the way you receive concessions. This cycle allows you to constantly support each other and generate feelings that the relationship has merit for both sides. That is how to cultivate reciprocity.

Please share examples of how you have benefitted from reciprocity below.