Facing my self.
By: Ruthie Whitford
Tags: Isolation, Loneliness, Mental Health, Christian, Suicide

[Warning: contains suicidal themes & content that may be triggering]

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“How did I end up here? It is so far from anywhere I imagined my life to be at this point or at any point of my life. Sitting in a mental health hospital bed after being admitted for severe suicidal ideation. It literally seemed to come out of nowhere. But here I am. And what I have fought against for so long finally seems to have caught up with me. The enemy using the crappiness of life to slowly steal my hope and joy. And I know God is more powerful and I know He is on my side but I don’t know when the victory will come this time … and it’s hard, and it’s confusing, and it’s tiring, and it’s so so painful. When I was in the mental health section of the Emergency Department on Thursday night — all alone, all possessions taken away, with only four white walls and a bed, and the constant swearing and screaming of psychotic patients being sedated outside my room — feeling alone with absolutely nothing, there was only one place I could turn. To Him. So as my tears rolled down my face, that’s what I did. I cried out to Him, I recited His word, I sang out worship songs in a quiet weak voice, I spoke His name over and over again. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, but without Him, I don’t know where I’d be. Even in the darkest valley, He is there. When I had nothing left, He was the only place I could turn.”

I wrote these exact words in my journal on August 5th, 2019. I still remember the night I describe here clearly, although the further into the past it moves, the more it seems as though these experiences I have encountered could have been a dream.

It was a night in a hospital room like I imagined from a psychiatric facility in a movie — one cold metal bed and an old mattress with one starched sheet and one plastic pillow placed in between four clinical white walls. My belongings had been locked away so that I would not be able to harm myself when the nurses weren’t watching. And there I was. Left with my own racing thoughts of depression and suicide in this environment overnight as the minutes slowed for over twelve hours. Not only this but there were regular interactions just outside my door between burly security men and hysterical patients who were loudly relating with characters that only existed in their own minds.

“When I had nothing left, He was the only place I could turn.”

After this night I spent five weeks in and out of hospital battling the chemical imbalances, cognitive fatigue and emotional rollercoaster of severe mental health treatment. I had visits from more close friends than expected, but most of my days were spent alone in my room, finding appropriate ways to pass the time and dampen the loud intrusive thoughts from my mind.

When I was allowed to leave the hospital for short periods at a time, I was driven to church by close friends because I was deemed unsafe to drive myself due to the severity of suicidal thoughts in my head. The possibility that the thoughts would take over and I wouldn’t return to hospital alive was a fear in all my carers’ minds. I sat at the back of church on these occasions, surrounded by hundreds of others, but feeling as alone as I had felt in my hospital room.

The thing I’ve realised is that feeling alone can happen to anyone, at any time, in any season, with any amount of people.

“Nobody else could relate to the task he had to complete, so that he could relate to every single one of us, every single day.”

The fresh revelations I receive as I mature in my daily journey can often lead to life defining moments. With the recent significance of Easter in the church calendar, I re-watched The Passion of the Christ, a movie that I struggle to view due to its uncomfortable scenes but very real and profound message. Something different stood out to me this year amongst the usual extravagant love of Jesus to bear all of that suffering for me. As I watched the scenes of him being brutally beaten and then carry his own implement of execution — the cross — some six hundred metres by foot, I realised how alone he was. The Bible tells us of all the times he had been surrounded by close friends and family in the three years prior to this, including spending most time with his twelve closest, the disciples. But in his last moments, they were no longer close by. They were no longer following him. They were no longer listening to his every word. They were no longer assisting him in his tasks. They were no longer spending time together. He was completely alone.

Nobody else could relate to the task he had to complete, so that he could relate to every single one of us, every single day.

There is a Hillsong United song with this line, “I’ve been strong and I’ve been broken within a moment.” These lyrics have never rung more true than in the moment Jesus was separated from His Father in pure isolation so that He could bear the weight of sin for humanity.

And they rung true for me also as I lay isolated in that hospital room, battling with the decision I had made to reach out for help even though my mind told me so forcefully to do the exact opposite.

“I’ve been strong and I’ve been broken within a moment.”

Loneliness sucks.

It is something that has become more prevalent, or more noticed at least, in the last year with the introduction of lockdowns and social distancing into our everyday life and society, due to that tiny little micro-organism that shut down the world.

But isolation can also come as we battle our own, very personal situations, which others around us will never have to face.

And I guess I don’t have big profound answers here. But what I do know is that God understands. Like He fully understands. Because He experienced it Himself. In His moments leading to, and on the cross. And that brings me comfort. Much like He was the only one who brought me comfort in my hospital bed that night in August of 2019. Much like He is the only one who continues to bring me comfort as I continue to battle isolation in many circumstances in my life. Much like He will bring you comfort if you let Him.

“Even when your path takes me through

the valley of deepest darkness,

fear will never conquer me, for you already have!

Your authority is my strength and my peace.

The comfort of your love takes away my fear.

I’ll never be lonely, for you are near.”

Psalm 23:4 (TPT)

“He was the only one who brought me comfort in my hospital bed that night.”

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This is a picture of me waiting in the emergency department in August, 2019. You may not be able to see in the picture but my eyes are filled with tears.

I am in a much better place now on this current journey of recovery.

No matter what your story is, or was, I hope you gained something from reading this today. And I hope you know your journey is so so very important to the One who loves you beyond comprehension.

Much love.

Xo

P.s. For those of you struggling with mental health or suicide issues, please reach out to someone. My friends and health professionals were my life savers. But there are also a handful of others you can call.

In Australia:

Suicide call back (1300 659 467)

Lifeline (13 11 14)

Beyond blue (1300 22 4636)