My Dating Apps, Wrapped
By: Sara K. Runnels
Tags: Humor, Love, Culture, 2020, Satire

My Dating Apps, Wrapped

Other year-end recaps are no MATCH for this one.

In a relationship with: My Dating Apps

As we close out on a shitshow year, it is both fun and depressing to reflect on how we spent our time. I — like many who were single through a global pandemic (and long before) — used countless hours to swipe through dating apps, even though dating IRL was mostly off the table. Here’s what I imagine a combined usage might amount to in a year-end recap.

Top 5 dating apps you used to “meet” guys:

Tinder

Bumble

Twitter

Instagram

UberEats

Top 5 types you were into:

Guy who had a beard

Guy wearing a Black Lives Matter shirt

Guy who looked like he’d be into you

Guy who painted a very clear picture of himself through a well-crafted bio, distinguishable pics, and a vibe that screamed “I’ll ghost you in record time!”

Guy who was very specifically not holding a dead animal

Top 5 places you likely swiped:

The bathroom

The bed

The couch

The bathroom again

Wherever you were during the boring parts of a Netflix show

Number of times you swiped left:

115,000

Number of times you swiped right:

32

Number of times you realized you might have swiped left on your soulmate:

115,000

Number of minutes you spent swiping per day:

On average, you’d swipe until you eliminated every man within a two-mile radius of your home. (Quite a superpower to have from the toilet!)

Number of times you were forced to broaden your search filters because you ran out of potential dates:

Countless — expanding your search range became a regular part of this already romantic, inarguably charming, not-at-all tedious process.

Your top search parameters:

30–45 year-old men within two (2) miles

30–45 year-old men within four (4) miles

30–45 year-old men within ten (10) miles

22–82 year-old men within one hundred (100) miles

Literally anyone willing to pay attention to me

Top 5 ways you had a socially-distant first date after you matched with someone:

Apathetically telling your life story over a series of texts instead of in a dark bar after three cocktails as God intended

Awkward video call

Sitting on opposite sides of the park on your little blankets, judging how many cans of hard seltzer each of you brought

Being so socially distant that you just stayed home, never met, and continued to send memes to your friends about being single as fuck

Reaching a point of thirst that is so unrelenting, you took the risk of meeting in close quarters, and told no one. (The most extreme of 2020 fantasies.)

Top 5 guys who mysteriously continued to appear on all your dating apps, even though you swiped left on them multiple times:

We’ve hidden this answer so you don’t have to see any of them again.

Percentage of times you were attracted to a man featured in a dating app ad, but never seemed to find a similar one while swiping:

100%

Top friend whose advice you listened to the most about the matches you pursued:

We’re sorry, we can’t calculate this answer. You ignored all of your friends’ very solid, thoughtful advice.

Number of times your friends asked about “that cute guy you were talking to,” and you needed them to clarify further, until you both figured out it was just Kevin Tinder or Ryan Bumble or Jerry Hinge — all of which you had already forgotten about:

1,000

Likely percentage of men you met on a dating app and no longer talk to but who still watch all of your Instagram stories:

93%

Top 5 reasons you likely went lengthy periods without opening any of your dating apps:

You were briefly consumed and emotionally fulfilled by election results as they rolled in for weeks.

You actually matched with someone you liked and enjoyed, but after one of you found something shinier to admire, you needed time to restore your swiping energy.

You, instead, used Twitter and Instagram to unsuccessfully and embarrassingly flirt with and DM your crushes.

You woke up one morning and found you messaged all your dating-app matches: “Are you my boyfriend???” after a bottle of wine and took time away to reflect.

You found out it was impossible to cry to Folklore and swipe at the time.

The month you realized that trying to find love during a global pandemic is just as bleak as trying to find love when there isn’t a global pandemic:

March 2020