The Teen Texting Suicide Documented by HBO’s ‘I Love You, Now Die’
By: Bertilla Niveda
Tags: True Crime, Mental Health, Relationships, Suicide, Psychology

Conrad did not wholeheartedly want to die

Conrad clearly had mental health issues that pained him to the point of thinking suicide was the only way out. He contemplated it often and had even feebly attempted it a couple of times.

We know that he was suicidal, but we also know that there were times when he had expressed that he did not want to die.

For instance, here’s a look at a conversation from June 1st, 2014.

Michelle: I’m scared for you that you aren’t gonna get better and you’ll become suicidal again and stuff Conrad: :/ please don’t mention it, I’ve thought about that once in 4 days and I know it’s not an option Michelle: Okay good I’m sorry. Promise me right now that you won't Conrad: No there’s no way.

Now, that’s sweet. This really looks like a caring girl who genuinely wants to make sure her boyfriend doesn't hurt himself.

But, you’ll soon see that one day, Michelle went from “Promise me you won’t kill yourself” to “Promise me you’ll end it today”.

In video diaries recorded a month before his death, Conrad spoke about his goals regarding personal growth, and how he is going to learn to like himself. He made several profound insights on happiness and how to let go of the past.

You can see the passion and intelligence light up in him as he says that he has a lot going for him and that his achievements are pretty great. Yes, Conrad Roy was suicidal, but he had so much to live for, so much hope for his future. He was doing his best and was making significant progress until it came to a staggering halt.

Michelle constantly pushed him to kill himself

The following text transcripts are from the day of Conrad’s death — 12th July 2014, from 4:07 A.M to 4:37 A.M.

Michelle: Conrad! Michelle: Hey you there? Conrad: hey sorry I fell asleep Michelle: Its okay, Why haven’t you done it yet tho? Conrad: I’m too messed up to Michelle: What are you talking about Conrad: my head Michelle: You can’t think about it You just have to do it? You said you were gonna do it like I don’t get why you arent Conrad: I don’t get it either. idk Michelle: So I guess you aren’t gonna do it then, all that for nothing Michelle: I’m just confused like you were so ready and determined Conrad: I am gonna eventfully Conrad: I really don’t know what I’m waiting for.. but I have everything lined up Michelle: No you’re not Conrad. Last night was it. You keep pushing it off and you say you’ll do it but u never do. Its always gonna be that way if u don’t take action Michelle: You’re just making it harder on yourself by pushing it off, you just have to do it

As you can see, Conrad is increasingly hesitant to commit suicide and admits that yes, maybe he doesn’t actually want to die. But Michelle repeatedly persuades him to do it as soon as he can.

She asks him if he wants to do it right away. Conrad weakly replies that it might be too late since it was almost dawn. He tells her he’s going to sleep and that he loves her and will text her the next day. This doesn't deter Michelle who goes on to say that it’s probably the best time because everyone would be asleep.

She casually suggests that he just go somewhere in his truck and reminds him that if he doesn't do it now, he never will.

It’s almost like a taunt when she asked him if he was just all talk and no action, daring him to actually go through with it. As prosecutor Katie Rayburn laid out in her closing arguments,

“Every time he came up with an excuse not to do it, she kicked his feet from under him”

At 10:11 A.M, on the 12th of July, Michelle presses further by asking him if he’s going to do it. Conrad, being highly anxious, is still on the fence, to which Michelle says she wants him to be ready and sure. At this point in their conversation, it is plainly obvious that Conrad is in no way “ready and sure”.

When he says that he is worried about his family, she tells him that she will take care of them. She says that they will eventually be okay and learn to accept it.

Michelle: You can’t keep doing this everyday Conrad: Okay I’m gonna do it today Michelle: Do you promise Conrad: I promise babe Conrad: I have to now Michelle: Like right now? Conrad: where do I go? :( Michelle: And u can’t a break a promise. And just go in a quiet parking lot or something Conrad: Okay Michelle: Go somewhere you know you wont get caught. You can find a place I know u can Michelle: Are u doing it now? Conrad: still have no clue Michelle: Not finding a place to go isn’t an excuse…

It escalated to a point where it seemed like she was angry with him for not dying, and he was apologizing for still being alive.

She makes him promise that he really will do it. And as confused and troubled as he was, Conrad obliges.

Michelle was on the phone with Conrad as he died

At 5:15 P.M on the same day, they discuss how Conrad is going to do it, and what’s stopping him.

Conrad: Idkk I’m stressin Michelle: You’re fine, it’s gonna be okay. You just gotta do it babe, you can’t think about it Conrad: okay. okay I got this

She told him to delete their messages because, of course, any regular person who read them could tell how awful they were.

Michelle: Yes you do, I believe in you. Did you delete the messages? Conrad: Yes but ur gonna keep messaging me? Michelle: I will until you turn on the generator

You can tell that Conrad is scared, and will hang on to any bit of relief for dear life, but he didn’t get that.

Michelle: You’re overthinking Conrad: I know I’m overthinking, I’ve been overthinking for awhile how Michelle: I know, you just have to do it like you said Michelle: Are you gonna do it now Conrad: I haven’t left yet haha Michelle: Why… Conrad: leavin no

Michelle was on the phone with him for forty-five minutes while he passed away. And her admission of guilt was revealed in a text conversation with Sam Boardman, a schoolmate of Michelle’s.

“Sam his death is my fault like honestly I could have stopped him I was on the phone with him and he got out of the car because it was working and he got scared and I fucking told him to get back in Sam because I knew he would do it all over again the next day and I couldnt have him live the way he was living anymore I couldnt do it I wouldnt let him” — Michelle Carter

According to Michelle’s own words, Conrad had tried to escape his death, because, well, he simply didn’t want to die. And Michelle told him to get back in the car and finish it.

Michelle had told her friends Conrad was missing days before it really happened

You may have wondered — What was the motive behind Michelle wanting Conrad to die? How could she possibly benefit from it?

You see, Michelle had spent many years trying to make friends, and connect with more people. Her classmates described her as outgoing and chatty, but at the end of the day, Michelle didn’t have a close circle or anyone she could call her best friend.

The other teens didn’t really reciprocate Michelle’s enthusiasm in their friendships. From all their text conversations and court testimonies, Michelle’s acquaintances established that she was the one who initiated most of their interactions.

Every time any of them seemed to pull away, she drew them back in. She told them about her eating disorders and the struggles she was going through. And these school-mates, being decent people, all sympathized and gave her the attention she sought.

However, Michelle soon realized that even these long paragraphs and sad stories were not enough to evoke responses from the people she wanted to be friends with.

On 10th July 2014, in one of the text interactions with a girl named Lexie Eblan, Michelle sent Lexie a long, heartfelt message about how grateful she was for Lexie and her best friend Sam, who were “the only two people who made her feel so special”.

This message that was sent at 5:23 P.M didn’t get a reply from Lexie for more than 25 minutes. We don’t know exactly what went through Michelle’s mind at this point, but her next text can give you an idea.

At 5:48 P.M., Michelle texted her “Conrads missing, they can’t find him anywhere.”

And this could be the answer to why she sounds eager and urges him to end his life as soon as possible.

In his panic-stricken texts, Conrad admits for the last time that he is overthinking the whole thing. He jokes nervously that he hasn’t left just yet, to which Michelle simply asks “Why?”. It’s almost as if she is impatient for him to leave. And here’s why.

She told Lexie and Sam that Connor went missing more than two days before he actually did. Michelle knew the magnitude of attention she would get if she was the heartbroken lover of a boy who killed himself, despite all her attempts to save him.

And she was willing to get that attention at the expense of Conrad’s death, which according to her was anyway what he himself wanted.

Michelle did her best to play the part of the grieving girlfriend

The thing is, nobody really knew who Michelle was. She had met Conrad’s family and spoken to his sister before, but they didn’t know how major a role Michelle played in his life. And Michelle knew she had to fix that.

On the 3rd of July, Michelle asked him “If you’re gonna do a last tweet, can it be about me?” and even asked him to tag her. She wanted the world to know exactly how special she was to Conrad.

She brought it up again later that night, saying she would like to be his last tweet. Conrad replied that he doesn't want to do it and Michelle reluctantly accepted his answer.

After his passing, Michelle pretended that she didn’t know he had died. In her mind, the text messages had been erased forever, and now all she had to do was be the devastated girlfriend who needed consoling.

I don’t know if Michelle was delusional and really believed he was alive, but she had several opportunities to reveal the truth, and she firmly chose not to.

She texted Conrad’s sister frantically asking her for updates, and once she got the news that the police had found the body, she continued the act. She inserted herself into the equation with his funeral, fundraiser, and every occasion of mourning Conrad Roy.

She texted Conrad’s mother, Lynn Roy, regularly. She even kept asking keenly for the suicide note that he left her, but the police had obtained it for their investigation into his death.

Thankfully, the detectives caught onto the shady nature of these events pretty early on and uncovered her phone history with a warrant.