The Dying Breaths of Toxic Masculinity: We Can Do Better For Our Children
By: Alexandria Savage
Tags: Positive Psychology, Toxic Masculinity, Positive Parenting, Parenting Advice, Parenting

The Dying Breaths of Toxic Masculinity: We Can Do Better For Our Children Alexandria Savage Mar 11·6 min read

A situation happened to my son several weeks ago and I have spent much time since then processing, reflecting, asking questions, and discussing it with others, as well as talking through it with my son so that he understands what happened. Not to convince me that I was right or validate my feelings, but I was truly curious if this was a normal or accepted attitude in other households. I also want to be clear that in sharing this my intention is to spark conversation and discussion, perhaps let us all reflect a little on the things we come to believe as “normal” in society. I am not sharing this to shame or belittle anyone, or to say that my viewpoint is the only valid one out there.

My son is five years old and has always been a child in touch with his emotions. I have never discouraged this; in fact, I have done quite the opposite. I grew up in a family environment where we were not encouraged to share our feelings, were not encouraged to discuss things that were too controversial lest we ruffle some feathers or “upset” someone. I remember what it felt like in the heavy silence of those moments and I always wondered why it was so much easier for some people to pretend they didn’t feel anything, to pretend like nothing bothers them and go on with their daily life with their “heads in the sand.”

For this reason (amongst others I am sure), I was not too popular in my family back then and many times, I am still not. I am unafraid to question traditions or call out problematic behavior, even my own.

So, a few weeks back, it was bedtime for my son. He listens to classical music at bedtime to help him relax and calm. This particular night, moments after leaving his room I hear him sobbing. I am on the phone with his Stepmom at the time and I sit down on his bed, we both talk to him and try to figure out what is going on. What he was upset about though, is not the point here so I will not get into that.

Seeing the level of upset he was, my son’s Stepmom goes to grab his Dad from the next room over and he sits down in front of the phone on FaceTime, I am not prepared for the words that come out of his mouth: “First of all, you need to sit down and man up right now.”

I was instantly every emotion; I was shocked, aghast, confused (did I hear what I think I just heard?), and positively ENRAGED.

Immediately, I launched into a counterattack. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??!!!?!! DID YOU REALLY JUST TELL OUR FIVE-YEAR-OLD SON TO “MAN UP”???!!!!!????!!!!

The insensitivity of it, the dismissiveness; I was livid.

It wasn’t until later after the flames of rage had calmed and I was able to think a little more critically, that I realized this isn’t simply a problem I’m having with my co-parent. This is a byproduct of the toxic masculinity that has plagued our society, our families, and our men for centuries. This is the attitude that suggests having emotions, a normal and necessary human function, is not only wrong for boys and men but that it is wrong because it is somehow feminine. The phrase “man up” suggests that men are not meant to have emotions or at the very least, that they aren’t to express them.

I know I can’t speak for everyone in this, but I think it is safe to say that most of us have at least once, seen the consequences of this attitude play out in less than savory ways: that angry drunk guy at the bar who has to be thrown out because he becomes belligerent after one too many, the abusive spouse who was never made to feel safe as a child and explodes in rage as an adult, the man who hasn’t spoken to his son for years over a disagreement because he is too proud or stubborn to be the one that “folds.”

These men were not born ashamed of their feelings, our society and the toxic beliefs of ultimate masculinity have done this. They were not taught how to work through and regulate their emotions. For them, the damage has been done, and unless they are able to realize this and seek out therapy to work through the harmful belief system, not much will change.

What we can do though, is learn from this and do better for our children. From my conversations with other parents, mental health advocates, and community friends, here are some of the points I would like to share with you about why the belief that boys and men should not show their emotions can be damaging to your child, as well as your relationship with them.

When your child is confiding in you or trusting you with their feelings, the last thing you want to do is say something that invalidates their feelings and leaves them wondering if something is wrong with them or the way they reacted. This can really degrade the trust between you and your child over time, especially as they get older and their problems become more emotional. (Hello, teenagers!)

2. Simply put, treating children with respect teaches them respect.

3. You are losing a teachable moment, and wasting a chance at not only increasing their emotional intelligence but yours too

4. Emotions are normal. Emotions are normal. Emotions are normal.

5. When kids (or anyone) are upset, they need love and support, not scolding or shaming, regardless of the intention.

6. Believing that emotions are bad or negative breeds shame and encourages children to hold their feelings in, something that can have astronomical effects on their adult lives, careers, and relationships. Many people out of touch with their own emotions struggle with substance abuse, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, anger problems, difficulties with intimacy, and more.

These are only a few examples, I know there are countless ways this way of thinking has damaged our society, but the one thing I think we can agree on is that it can end with us.

We know better. We can choose better.

On that note, I have a few book recommendations to add on for anyone interested in reading further. Again, I know there are so many books on parenting. These are a few I have read myself that came highly praised by other parents and professionals in my circle.

The 5 Love Languages of Children, Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell

The Whole-Brain Child, Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., & Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

Parenting With Love And Logic, Foster Cline & Jim Fay

Brain Stages: How To Raise Smart, Confident Kids And Have Fun Doing It, Patricia Wilkinson & Jaqueline Frischknect, Ph.D.