The Real Reason Women Don’t Date “Nice Guys”
By: Joe Duncan
Tags: Relationships, Men, Dating, Women, Sex

Is it possible to compliment or be nice to a woman in today’s world with them perceiving that we men are just sucking up to them in the hopes of getting a little romance, a little action, or something more that’s also sexual? Manipulation is never cool in dating and it’s so easy to spot. From the point of view of many women, even if #notallmen are fake nice guys, so many of them are, that many women have chosen to assume that all men who put on a display of niceness are fake nice guys…it’s perfectly understandable when they do this.

It’s simply safer to assume that men who display an exaggerated niceness are probably not-so-nice guys, and when I say safe, I don’t mean it casually, I mean that their physical safety may be at risk by making the wrong decision. Stop and reflect on that for a minute and see what you come up with. That’s right, for many women, dating the wrong man is physically dangerous and can likely lead to violence and sometimes death.

Does this mean that men who are interested in dating should stop being nice entirely so we can succeed with women? Not at all. Let me explain…

Many men miss the point and believe erroneously that niceness itself is the problem. We all know this story, guy tries to be nice, acts like he’s got it going on Bossanova, guy fails to ‘get’ girl, after girl, after girl; but guy continues to dress nice, act nice, buy flowers and gifts for her — and her, and her, and her, gifts and flowers, of course, that he buys none of his guy friends or platonic female friends.

The overtures of niceness are basically manipulation tactics, so each of those women tells him that he just needs to “be himself”, but he doesn’t listen, he gets frustrated but keeps trying, and keeps failing, getting ever more bitter, angry, depressed, alone, and condemns women as vile people who “only want to date total jerks.” That’s the very real and painful story of far too many men. Their feigning of niceness failed, usually just a few times, so that must be the reason they’re alone because niceness doesn’t ‘work’.

They quit trying. They become vehement, enraged, hostile, and toxically masculine…this doesn’t help their cause in any way, yet, many men continue to expect it to. They figure if being nice didn’t work, being rude will, but this doesn’t work either and they end up just treating people horribly all the time.

I’ve actually learned to see past that dynamic. The worldview expressed in the statement that women seem to somehow innately love jerks is not how the real world works. I think people in general value traits like independence, which happens to coincide with so-called bad-boy type of guys regularly. In our modern world, people don’t like pressure. They don’t like to feel like they’re making massive commitments right away, in a world with 30-day-refund policies and 6-month guarantees, undo buttons and copy/paste, nobody wants to be pressured into picking a relationship or sex partner.

In truth, at the end of the day, most of my relationship failures have come from me being a jerk; while most of my relationship successes have come from me being a stand-up guy, they’ve also come from my reluctance to force someone into a position where they had to choose to date me and commit to me.

And, I’m not exempt. I can confidently say that every single time I’ve messed up a perfectly good opportunity to date a woman, I did so by pressuring them into dating me, even if I did so slightly and non-verbally. I’ve grown past this and I think it’s time that we men realize how much better life is when we do.

I’ve learned to provide an atmosphere of openness, liberty, voluntarism, and free, non-judgmental communication, and through that, I’ve grown into someone that women feel they can trust and be open with, and my relationships with them have become much more solid. I find it interesting that INCELs exist as a community because it makes very little sense for someone who’s failing at something to ask other people who are also failing at that same thing to help them with that thing. They exist because those people don’t want to change, they want consolation in their resignation to failure.

This story isn’t a chastising lecture, but a piece of tough-love put forth for those men who do want to change and are willing to do some self-analysis in order that they may enjoy the sweet fruits of having healthier, stronger, deeper, and longer-lasting relationships with the various women in their lives.

Here’s the secret: Niceness alone doesn’t create attraction…

In other words, niceness isn’t sufficient to make someone attracted to you and it never will be. Get over it. I know that may be hard for some to hear, but it’s the cold, harsh reality that we need to hear. I’ll take it a step further and say that most people that you meet aren’t going to be attracted to you. Unless you’re particularly good-looking and exude a flavor of charisma that’s nothing shy of magical, most of the people you meet will not be attracted to you at all. That’s just the reality of life, the sooner we face it, the better off we’ll be.

Being real, being who we are, and not expecting attraction is the absolute fastest way to secure attraction and minimize rejection in life — that’s step one. I know this isn’t what most people want to hear, but if we want to have amazing experiences in sex and relationships, we need to develop ourselves into people who are actually attractive people — we need to develop character.

It’s of the utmost importance that we don’t try to pressure people into dating us and we don’t exude an aura of frustration with being single. This is poison.

I find it ironic that so many people out there pretend to be someone else in order to gain acceptance of some sort, and continue to do so when that tactic fails over, and over, and over again — because everyone else can see exactly what they’re doing and nobody likes it. Take it from me, there is a much better way. I understand self-development is hard, it takes work, but the work is worth it. So be nice, be very nice, but understand that niceness isn’t what attracts people.

Here’s some further reading…

© 2019; Joe Duncan. All Rights Reserved