How to See and Calm Your Inner Critic
By: Bill Abbate
Tags: Self Improvement, Psychology, Wisdom, Personal Development, Leadership

How well do you know yourself? Are you aware of your internal chatter? If so, how often do you run into your inner critic? Neuroscience has much to say on this subject. More on that in a minute.

Think about this — is your worst enemy somewhere out there, or is it in you? Who could be a worse enemy than your inner critic with its impossibly high standards?

If you are like most of us, he’s been with you as long as you can remember. As cartoonist Walt Kelly’s character Pogo once said, “We have met the enemy and he is us.”

Yes, there is part of each of us that keeps us from becoming more of who we can become. It imparts self-imposed limitations. Where does this part of us come from? Let’s try to make sense of it all.

Making Sense of Your Internal Voices

Think about what goes on in your thoughts that no one else can see — the doubts, the fears, the cares and concerns, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Each is a part of who you are. Each expands or restricts the life you live.

I’ve come to see these parts of myself in new ways as I age. For much of my life, I was unaware of them, thus unable to see or stop them. I did not realize they even existed until I learned of them from someone else.

Once I began developing the ability to see these parts of myself, to think about and reflect on them, I started to take steps to change them. This has allowed me to develop control over these thoughts, rather than being controlled by them.

A few years back, a shift happened in my thinking. While I originally viewed some parts of myself as “the enemy,” I came to see them for what they are. Most have been with me since I was a child. They’re just parts that have not matured well.

Before I learned about this concept there was a part of me that feared public speaking, and a part that regularly told me I wasn’t good enough. They were like a small child crying “Wolf!” when there was no wolf.

These parts of me had not grown up and continue to voice their concerns. I understand now that they hindered my progress so long as I allowed them. But why? Why did these parts of me do what they did, and continue to exert control?

Hearing Voices

Let’s extend this concept further. These parts of me have their own voice. Have you ever had a thought come to you inside your mind that seemed to speak to you?

There is much research on this that indicates each of us has these “voices” inside us. In fact, there are whole systems of therapy based on them. Check out the latest research by simply doing an internet search on internal voices and neuroscience. You’ll be amazed at the work that exists in this area.

These voices will say things like, “You can’t do that,” or “You’re not qualified to accomplish anything like that,” or “If you do that, you will make a fool of yourself.” Your inner voice can be highly critical: “You don’t have the education that so-and-so does, so what makes you think you can do something like that?” And on and on they go.

For the most part, I have found that many of my parts, or voices, trace back to a younger Bill Abbate, often from my childhood or young adult years. At first, I despised these voices. I was angry that I would tell myself such things. But now I’ve come to understand them differently.

Rather than think of my critical inner voices as destructive and condescending, I now see how they came from a part of me that served me at one time. I outgrew them, and they no longer serve me, but they still exist.

As I examined each of these voices, I realized many came from fear. I discovered these younger, undeveloped, or underdeveloped parts of me had been trying to protect me. They wanted to keep me from experiencing hurt, failure, embarrassment, and so forth. In their own way, they tried to serve me.

Stopping the Critic

Before I could see these parts of myself, I regularly fell prey to their input. When they warned or criticized, I listened, and I sometimes allowed them to control my thoughts and emotions.

What’s a person to do when part of his own brain seems intent on sabotaging his future? First, recognize that these parts or voices exist; come to see each of them.

Instead of being subject to your inner voices, make them subject to you. Put another way, see each of them as part of your divided self, and as an object that you can examine by thinking and reflecting. Hold it up and look at it from different angles or perspectives.

By doing this, I recognized early on that these parts of me imposed limitations on what I was able to do only so long as I allowed them to influence me. Until I could see them clearly, they influenced me greatly. But I was always stronger than they were.

The limitations I imposed on myself, commonly referred to as self-limiting beliefs, are real. I have yet to meet a person that doesn’t have some. I have, however, met many people who, like me, did not realize that they had self-imposed these limitations because of their internal chatter.

Uncovering the Root

What are the sources of these self-defeating thoughts? Answer the following question to unearth as many as you can. Try to remember what people in your life, especially your early life, have said to you. If you don’t have a clear memory of their words, imagine what they would say, to represent their attitude toward you.

What do I continue to believe each of the following has said about me?

· Parents

· Siblings

· Teachers

· Spouse

· Society in general

· Yourself

For example, did anyone ever tell you you weren’t smart, that you were skinny, fat, short, or make any other derogatory remark about you? What have others said to put you down in any way? Do you get the message from society or acquaintances that you are not good enough, don’t have enough drive, are not good-looking, don’t make enough money, don’t own a home, have a cheap car, etc.

These are only a few examples of where your critical inner thoughts come from. Do you hear any echoes in what was said to you? Are you still saying any of those things to yourself?

Pay attention to these inner voices, whether they originate from external or internal sources. I suggest you take some time in a quiet place with no interruptions and your journal to think deeply about this question. The dividends from this simple exercise will pay handsomely!

Shifting Your Mindset

A great way to use this information is whenever you tell yourself you can’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t, or shouldn’t do something, stop, examine your thinking and ask, which voice is speaking to me, and where does it come from?

When you have any negative thoughts, ask the same thing: What voice is speaking and where does it come from? Then challenge what it says, and don’t stop challenging it until you understand it and can refute it.

This also applies to any fear or doubt you have. Don’t give up. Inquire within yourself and ask, “What CAN I do?”

Why is it important to recognize these sources? There is power in seeing, understanding, and recognizing where a voice originates because then you can decide if its message is still valid for you.

After all, why should I allow a 7-year-old Bill Abbate who tripped in a play still control me when I speak in public? And when a teacher spoke into my life, when I was only 10, that I couldn’t write. If I allowed these voices to go unchecked, there is little I can do about them. They controlled my thoughts and affected my emotions. They became the source of much frustration, until I recognized, refuted, and overcame them.

Yet when you identify where a critical inner voice is coming from, you can make your own choice as to whether to believe it. You can move from letting it control you to you controlling it. You can make a deliberate choice about what to do with the information you are given. Do you just accept it, or do you stand your ground and reject it?

Taking Action

You can choose to become mindful of what is happening, or mindlessly allow other things — including the voices in your own head — to control you. You can be mindful of, or be mindless in your daily thoughts. Which do you prefer?

When your eyes are opened to your critical voices, you can begin to thoughtfully examine them. You can take responsibility for them, which helps you grow in maturity.

You are now armed with information that can change the entire course of your life. What do you choose to do with it? It’s your life and therefore your decision. Choose wisely!