I’m still using my voice, but I’m learning how to use it better.
By: Lindsay Lonai Linegar
Tags: Storytelling, Healing, Self, Yoga, Lindsay With An A

A friend reached out to me yesterday, wondering how I’m doing. He said he hadn’t heard from me in a while and wanted to make sure I’m ok.

It’s been 36 days since the last time I wrote here.

Truthfully, I can’t tell you exactly why I stopped showing up to use my voice, in this particular sphere. I’m still figuring it out for myself. In an attempt to answer my friend — because his inquiry moved me and reminded me of the goodness of building true connection — I’m going to do my best to figure it out here, on the page, right now.

In an exercise to gain some clarity, here’s a list of what has happened in the last 36 days, according to my perspective:

George Floyd was murdered by a police officer, and it was caught on camera.

Anti-racism / social justice protests have erupted in all 50 of the United States of America, as well as something like 40 other countries on all continents aside from Antarctica, so far.

The pandemic continues on, with all that entails politically — and how people react to it socially.

I am still learning how to live through a pandemic.

I am still largely unemployed as a self-employed woman.

I am still learning how to live in a country with deep roots in the dehumanization of black people.

I am still learning how to be anti-racist.

I started a book club with six other women across the United States, reading “me and white supremacy” by Layla F. Saad.

I went through my second week-long training retreat for Yoga Teacher Training.

I’ve been learning how to use my voice to speak when I need to speak — especially when it feels uncomfortable.

I have been using my voice to create videos as I step into my power as a yogi and healer.

I have been using my voice to create newsletters. (I will invite you to join me on these.)

I have experienced some powerful healing and transformation.

What a surreal 36 days it’s been.

I won’t go on about the state of the world. I got it out there, in my freestyle journaling list, so there it is. What I will do is say this:

I’m still using my voice, but I’m learning how to use it better.

Something happened as I began going deeper within myself, through yoga training. I felt an urge to grow quieter, slow down, listen more. I have experienced some profound moments of healing through meditation, breathing, and movement practices. Some of the trauma that had been stored in my body for years, has been released.

Naturally, as I’ve experienced these things for myself, my calling to be a yoga teacher has become even more sacred. Add to that what is going on in the world, and my desire to be quiet, slow down and listen more, has increased.

My desire to communicate verbally, with greater love, gentleness, and compassion has also increased. As has my desire to honor my own heart and voice when the moment arises for me to speak up. As has my desire to work through my triggers in healthier ways.

I chose to become a healer through yoga teaching for a profound, personal reason. I knew, on some instinctual level, it was going to help me transform my pain, and that I would hopefully be able to help others do the same. My practice — along with my faith, loving allies, and my personal verve — has, and will continue to help me transform my pain.

It has been beyond surreal to watch how things have unfolded on the macro level as I’m going through something so powerful at a micro level. The wonder is not lost on me. And I don’t have fancy words for any of it.

I won’t try to be a journalist through this time, or try to become famous, or try to write eloquent essays on why racism is wrong. I won’t desperately try to earn money by writing about real human work that needs to be done. In case you haven’t noticed already, these words have been offered for free.

I’m not condemning any of those things. I’m simply saying how clear it has become to me, in the last 36 days, that none of those things are in alignment with my life right now.

Right now, I’m learning how to breathe like a warrior.

Right now, I’m learning how to move my body in ways that heal me.

Right now, I’m learning how to communicate with power and grace.

I’m growing into a braver, better storyteller.

These are not easy tasks, but they are good ones. If I can learn these practices well, I can offer them to others.

All of this, in effect, to say: I am doing important work on myself. I have been saying it’s been time for me to travel inward and do work, for some time. Now, I’m doing it. And it feels miraculous.

I don’t know what will happen with my writing here. I still write. I am still a writer. I have committed to writing a newsletter to those who truly want to read my words, and follow along my healing journey, once a month. I will send it out (for free) on the third Saturday of each month. You can sign up for that newsletter here.

I have also committed to making a video related to yoga and healing every Wednesday. For now, I am posting videos on my Instagram account (again, for free). My account is public, so anyone can view these videos, even if you don’t have an Instagram account. You can find me on Instagram here. I just posted a new video this past Wednesday.

If you have a sincere desire to stay in touch with me and/or support me in any way, please consider signing up for my newsletter, following me on Instagram, and extending any support or encouragement you can as I blossom into a yogi. I am building something I believe in with my whole heart, and I’d love to share the journey with you.

“The planet does not need more successful people. The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lovers of all kinds.” (source debated)

P.G. Barnett, thank you for checking on me, friend. It filled me with joy.

And thank you to those of you who have been checking in with me in other ways. I noticed. I am grateful for you. I miss connecting with you here, and I’m sorry I haven’t been reading your brilliant stories. I’m sorry to every writer I haven’t been connecting with here. Along with everything I already mentioned, I have been immersed in other reading. Yoga stuff, as well as other light reading such as “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk. :)

Also, I officially taught my first 30-minute yoga practice to two of my fellow yogis-in-training, yesterday. I had so much fun putting together an African-inspired playlist. I’m telling you, the pieces are coming together so beautifully! Here is a song from that playlist. It gives me chills.

Tagging you if you follow me at Lindsay with an a:

Darrin Atkins, Zach J. Watson, Alec O'Grady, FILZA CHAUDHRY, Erika Burkhalter, Stephanie Lorén Bacot, Deborah Christensen, Bella Linda, Guérin-Kairu, Ghost Wizard, Debbie Brady, Dave Logan, Sylvia Wohlfarth, Ajay Sartape, Terri N. Finley-Harrigan, Linda Fode, Pascah Kimeli, Craig Stewart, White Feather, Jeff Suwak, Tracy Aston, Margaret Jan Feike, Beth Birmingham, Jürg Widmer, Duncan Thomson, James Miller, Reilly Wilson, Kreayshawn Ninja, conlan.eth, Ryan Fan, hannah miller, Hironori Matsuno, Cheri Linegar, Brett Christensen, Sydney Nicole, hero starr, Benjamin Freeland, Crystal Gillis, Lori Van Loh, Aleksandr Oleynik, Maya Strong, Linda Parisi, Janis Cox, Elle Rogers, Kim Smyth, Margaret Foard, Richard Leighton Dixon, Gillian May, Isha Mathur, Michelle Monet, Danielle Lee, Ph.D., Erick Mertz, Jia Yin Low, Kyle S. Johnson, Queenjeanine, Tammy Breitweiser, Kristin A. Toussaint, LMT, RYT, Kyrie Gray, V. Plut, Barbara Radisavljevic, Tammy Lewis, Janice Almond, Rhonda Frankhouser, Annie Littlewolf, Susan Saybrook, Dennett, Chris Hedges, Erikka Robinson, Dana Sanford, Damsel in De-stress, Giovanni Sonier