To My Sisters
By: Kat Morris
Tags: Relationships, This Happened To Me, Life Lessons, Letters, Mental Health

To my sisters,

I have always been envious of your intellect.

I did not realize that this was spawned from adults who thought it perfectly OK to see three children as flowers that could be compared.

We are meant to bloom differently.

We were meant to feed each other with kind words and encouragement.

If you never knew how proud I was of you then for that, I am sorry.

To my sisters,

There were many things you saw before I did.

I thought there was something wrong with you.

Then I thought there was something special about you.

You could see the things I couldn’t.

Then I thought there was something wrong with me.

Now I realize it was my greatest power.

Forgive me, I had to survive.

I had no control.

If you ever felt frustrated at my blurred vision, I am sorry.

I am trying to clear the fog but it is no easy feat.

It is like walking through the woods not knowing what’s hiding behind the trees that the enemies built so that you couldn’t escape.

I should have been proud of you for getting out so soon.

Not angry that I was left behind.

To my sisters,

I have not been more loved than you were.

I simply wasn’t as brave.

My mind shut down and my body tried to protect me.

But I think I have been brave, when I look back.

My system built walls, knowing I couldn’t escape.

You have always managed to live in the now, a skill I am envious of.

I should not feel envy, I know. I’m sorry.

But I’ve spent most of my life hopping in and out of different time lines and of feeling disorientated.

Nightmares play on repeat with lots of black.

I wish I could see.

I’m starting to see but she’s scared.

I’m scared. I’m still trying to figure out how to stop seperating who I was from who I am.

But everything is in several pieces, most of them missing.

I did believe you. I’ll always believe you.

But I have always been slower.

If I was ever a dot to you, one you couldn’t reach because I was so far behind, I’m sorry.

To my sisters,

I thought not showing my feelings equated to strength.

I was wrong.

Everyone was wrong.

The generations before us were wrong.

You are the epitome of strength.

I’m sorry you remember everything, but am glad you were given a fighting chance.

When you know what’s wrong, who the monster you need to slay is, you know what weapon to choose.

And I will always fight alongside you.

But I haven’t always been able to see.

I’ve been picking up swords, hoping the beast doesn’t eat steel.

I’ve been holding shields made of wood against fire-breathing dragons.

I tried to fight. I tried to be more like you.

I may have chose the wrong path, but I did it out of love.

I wanted to protect you both but I have failed.

All I ever wanted was to keep you safe. It was hard to do with one hand, whilst the other held onto Mother and Father. I believe they tried their best and loved us. But I am learning that it’s OK to love someone who hurt you, and forgiveness can take all the time it needs to turn up and stop old wounds bleeding.

I’m sorry.

To my sisters,

I am done saving everyone from themselves.

But I don’t think I’ll ever be done being your safety net.

I may walk away sometimes or be hard to reach.

For that, I am sorry.

But remember, I am always there.

I’ll come back.

I’m just trying to remember because there’s someone else who needs me.

My son saved me four years ago and I should return the favour by being the best mother I can possibly be.

We are healing, growing, changing, living.

We may go weeks without speaking.

Just know I am still here.

Waiting.

Hoping you know I tried.

I’m sorry, I know it’s not enough.

You are on the top of the hill, I am about half way.

I am eternally grateful to you for waiting for me.