Bittersweet experiences as a new father
By: Dn Nath
Tags: Motherhood, Parenthood, Fatherhood, Parenting, Baby

My son just completed five months. The last five months have been inexpressibly different compared to anything I’ve ever experienced in my 34-year life. The sheer thrill and joy of raising a tiny warm bundle aside, my baby has taught me to see life through a different prism. I’ve started to weigh my professional commitments and aspirations in life a lot differently. The fatigue of sleeplessness has often driven me crazy, making me question if such prolonged sleeplessness is worthwhile, but the magic and the innocence of my baby’s toothless smile melts all fatigue away, gives me new hopes of a brighter morning and enhances my efficiency at work.

My 5-month old son, Aadyah.

Ok, let me come straight to the point because there’s no use repeating stuff which is out there in the internet on the experiences of being a new father. The most important thing which I’ve learned in the last few months is that — I have started to appreciate better the pain & struggles, and the sacrifices and selflessness of my wife in particular & of women in general. My wife’s pregnancy and maternity journeys taught it to me. Man and woman are not equal, biologically speaking. The bodies are different. We, men, can not breastfeed our babies nor can we let them grow inside our stomach. We have no wombs. Women endure far more pain and accept far more sacrifices than men, be it in personal lives or in terms of their physical health or in their professional careers. I knew it before, but now I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it. I’ve lived through the experiences if my wife.

Because of severe pregnancy-induced nausea & vomiting, my wife had to quit her corporate job which she had worked for two months only (she was in academia prior to that). And this was when she was just 8 weeks into pregnancy. After the birth of our baby, she had chronic allergy & skin itching besides other C-section related complicacies. She needed and wanted her body to recover and heal, and I absolutely agreed (still agree) with her. And unlike most of the Indian families, we didn’t have a continual support of our parents due to various reasons. My wife’s mom did stay with us for 2.5 months (intermittently) of the last 5 months, and had been of immense help. However, my wife & I have put those consecutive night outs + cooking + baby bathing + other stuff — by ourselves. And this has obviously taken a huge toll on our health and sleep but it has taught us to appreciate each other better. I’ve learned to respect her even more, to feel her pain. And now I truly understand why the yardstick for measuring success shouldn’t be the same for men and women, particularly when a woman is going through her maternity period.

My work life has taken a hit which I absolutely do not regret now although I did feel awkward for the first few weeks after the baby was born because it was a new experience for me to use up 24 hours in the day for my baby. I lead 10+ researchers/students in my group, and despite my work life taking a hit, I’ve tried my best (with partial success, I believe!) to ensure their work & progress do not get compromised. However, most fortunately, being in academia & in research, I do have a great amount of flexibility (as I do not have a ‘boss’ per se). There are no fixed working hours although there are milestones and deadlines to meet, and there are 10+ students who PhD/masters research depend on my guidance. Besides, my colleagues and the department overall have been exceptionally supportive. Plus, I live inside the institute campus, barely 3 mins walk from my department. This has enabled me to support my wife and help take care of our baby in ways which common men working in the corporate world couldn’t possibly do. And now, having changed our baby’s diapers almost as many times as my wife has changed, having sung lullabies for over a hundred nights and days making him fall asleep in my arms, having seen him grow up — inch by inch, I feel contended and happy in ways which I can’t express. Every time I think of the office meeting which I missed or the journal paper whose review deadline I’ve missed, I think of my wife — she has been a housewife for more than a year now, sitting inside the house and not going to office for 13 months as of today. What is my sacrifice of missing a meeting or a research proposal deadline compared to her sacrifice of quitting her job? Of course she will start looking for jobs, perhaps six months or a year from today. But for now, we’re trying to make up for lost sleep (thankfully, the baby has started to sleep at night, at least for a few hours!).

I believe that if both parents are super ambitious, career-driven and fame/success craving, then the baby doesn’t get much time from either of them. That bond or connect between the child and the parents becomes a bit weak. It is very difficult to find examples where both the parents are super successful in their own areas of work while at the same time, their child (children) are also very successful and famous (excluding nepotism in movie industry). One may have playschools and day care, one may have top class nannies & baby-sitters, one may have grandparents taking care of one’s kids. But no one builds character and a strong base of education and integrity like one’s parents. ‘Home’ is the first school, and parents are the first teachers. Children learn by looking at what their parents do and say. What I’m trying to say is that at least one of the two (father or mother) HAS TO make some career & aspirational sacrifices in order to give a solid base to one’s kid(s), to build a strong educational and character foundation for one’s child(ren). And more often than not, it’s the woman who ends up making that sacrifice. Even in workplace post-maternity, it is not uncommon for a woman to face harassments and discrimination among her peers & bosses. The yardstick to measure success and achievements for a woman with kids is the same as that used to measure the parameters for a bachelor guy. And this is simply not fair. This, I sort of believed in my earlier years, but now I know it.