How the Pajama Conspiracy Saved the World
By: Amy Culberg
Tags: Self-awareness, Humor, Self, Self Help, Amazon

Pajamas. Is there anything more comforting? Anything more embracing? Anything more hot cocoa and afghan and fireplace? When you’re wearing soft, cotton, unitard pajamas, you don’t think of dark alleys or horror movies. You think tucked in, childhood, and every little thing’s gonna be all right.

Something interesting has been happening on Facebook. Facebook is being overtaken by families and their pets wearing matching pajamas. Moms, dogs, dads, cats, mice, children, ferrets. It’s out of control. Every time I think I’ve seen the last family pajama photo, another one springs up, like a hydra.

There was a time when I had quit Facebook because I was tired of feeling like everyone was having a wonderful life, while I was living a moderate one. But then COVID hit, and I was like “What’s up people?” Or I was, until now, when this pajama thing is making me feel left out again. I know that I just could buy a set for my family, but I don’t get it. Facebook friends and people Facebook adjacent, I’m telling you, there is something suspicious going on with all these pajamas.

People laying in bed with their dogs in pajamas, lying fireside with their families in pajamas, couple snuggling up on a couch in pajamas. Honestly, I feel a little uncomfortable, like I’m a peeping Tom.

When did it become acceptable to post yourself in your bedtime gear? My grandma would have been like, “Put on a robe. Cover your hair with a sleep bonnet.” She wouldn't have necessarily said, “That family looks slutty,” but she would have thought it. She had a Southern way of letting people know that they were drawing outside the lines. She would have said, looking at those people sprawled out in their pjs, “Doesn’t that just make you sad?” And craving her approval, I would have said, “Hell yeah it does.”

What’s next, people? Everyone wearing matching nighties? A little Fredricks of Hollywood family photo for New Year's Eve? Gateway clothing, baby. Starts with a onesie ends with a nonesie.

I, too, was targeted by the pajama cult, pre-holiday. I got lots of ads and pictures of families wearing the same pjs, and I considered, but I didn’t purchase. I did imagine my family and our dog all saddled up in matching onesies, but then my sphincter reaction jarred me back into reality.

If they were selling big, old, faded t-shirts for the whole family, I’d click purchase. Because that’s real, man. Or jeans you’re too tired to take off for the whole family, click click click, but PJs with Christmas trees? Honey. We’re half Jewish. And honestly, if they were selling pajama sets with dreidel tops and Christmas tree bottoms, I still wouldn't have a bit. Why? Because I don’t want to dress up like my eleven-year-old son, fifty-year-old husband, and my thirty-five-year-old dog who chews on her nether regions?

I don’t believe in QAnon and I definitely don’t believe Hillary Clinton eats babies, but there is something going on with these pajamas. Look at all their Manchurian candidate faces. Look how happy they all seem in their pajamas during a pandemic.

I know that I’m missing something. But what is it? Maybe, I’m looking at it wrong. Maybe, 2020 led me to believe that every conspiracy is bad. What if that pajama joy real? What if those pajamas click a box that guarantees a creepy but legitimate smile for the whole family?

It makes me wonder, with all this divisiveness in this country, all this hate and fear, do the pajamas help? Will pajamas be that tether, that pulls this country together? People of all colors and classes and genders embracing the onesie as onesie perfect union? And if so, sign me up. Purchase permitted. I will make that sacrifice. I will wear the same outfit as my dog, and I will say “Peace on earth, goodwill to Amazon.”