30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30
Tags: Life Lessons, Birthday, 30s, Humanity, Listicles

But let’s be honest, 30 is a big year. I didn’t want to stop there. Upon reflecting on my last decade of life (also a suggestion from the Interwebs), I know I’ve learned a lot more than just “being prepared.” I decided to pull a Taylor Swift and share my own version of “30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30” (except, sorry to disappoint, but I am not sending any secret messages about any secret albums I’m planning to drop).

So here it is, a whole TSwift-inspired list of major lessons I’ve learned throughout my 20s. I don’t pretend to be wise, but I hope anyone reading this can extract some modicum of wisdom from it. Enjoy!

1. Mistakes are the stepping stones to living a fuller life.

This one sounds like a no-brainer but I lived my whole life being afraid to make mistakes. From a young age, I’ve been punished so badly for making them that I eventually internalized the negative impact of what happens to me whenever I do something wrong. It’s taken a long time for me to realize that mistakes are just part of the process and should be seen as a springboard to reaching even greater heights. Even if you fail today, what matters is what you will become tomorrow.

2. Your actions affect others and have consequences. You HAVE to be aware and responsible for your share.

This one is huge. If you can accept this, you can accept almost anything. We all know that every action has an equal or opposite reaction but often, we don’t fully embrace this when we go about our daily relationships. There are so many things I’ve done that have hurt other people or made them uncomfortable. No matter how minor some of these instances might seem, the more they build up, the more that person is probably not going to have favorable memories or interactions with me. The consequence of this can be losing a friend or drifting apart, or never growing close in the first place. If you aren’t happy with that, then own up to the fact that you had a hand in making that happen and work to never let it happen to the people you care most about again.

3. The notion that you have to do certain things in a certain xyz way because it’s the standard method that guarantees a positive experience for everyone is, quite frankly, bullshit.

“Make an outline!” “Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise!” “If you can’t draw hands well, then you aren’t a True Artist.”

Sure there are some things that you have to do right, behaviors that you can’t skip out on or substitute in a different way (I mean, please floss if you want to avoid cavities. Also, reading more does help with your writing), but don’t listen to someone who tries to disqualify your methods simply because it isn’t conventional. If to-do lists don’t help you then don’t use them. If you learn better by listening to an audiobook rather than reading it, then subscribe to Audible. Try something else. Try A-B-C instead of 1–2–3. Don’t even let someone tell you you’re not “a real ____” because you don’t practice or perform something the same way that others do. Which leads me into my next item:

4. “We aren’t limited to only one way of being great.”

Alright fellow weebs, you got me. This quote is taken straight from Haikyuu!! (— my current favorite series. Bonus if you can catch all the references in this list. Hint: this is not the first, or even second one I’ve made.)

Everyone is good at different things. Not all volleyball players are tall. Not all writers write descriptions well and not all artists can draw hands. It doesn’t mean they aren’t strong in other parts of their craft and it certainly doesn’t mean they can’t perfect the skills they are lacking in. You can always look for different ways to fly.

5. Prioritize your mental health.

This really cannot be stressed enough. Admit it when you need help. Seek it out if you must. Try therapy or meds. Cut out the things in your life that drag you down. If scrolling through Instagram and seeing your friends having fun without you or getting further ahead in life than you upsets you, then stop scrolling. It’s not worth it. You have a choice and you can choose to prioritize your mental wellbeing.

6. Natural talent may make someone lucky but there is no substitute for hard work.

It’s difficult not to feel like hard work is meaningless in the face of natural talent but here’s the truth everybody needs to imbibe: natural talent cannot substitute for experience.

Is it possible to work your ass off and still not be good at something compared to someone who’s Born With It? Unfortunately, yes, but the amount of blood and sweat you’ve poured into it for yourself and the experiences you get out of that is so much more invaluable and challenging to obtain. And, because it’s more challenging, the fruit will be more rewarding. Too often, the people who are “gifted” end up never making as big of strides or putting the same amount of work into the things they’ve been told they’re a natural at. Don’t underestimate the power you wield over such people.

(Although of course, if you have both, you might just be able to rule the world.)

7. It’s extremely rare to find someone who understands you fully and that’s okay.

This is more of a personal struggle. I delve too deeply into basically everything I do or feel or think and I’ve come to learn that that can be a lonely experience. It’s hard to find people to share in those significant reflections because not everyone explores their thoughts and emotions to the same extent. A huge part of my 20s has been learning that that’s okay.

8. You can control a lot more things in your situation than you think you can.

This one’s a little bit related to numbers 3–5 but it’s important enough to get its own callout. Aside from taking control over your ability to sign off social media when it no longer brings you joy, you can always find ways to get creative when you’re stuck. I once read about a person who told their therapist about how they couldn’t stop hating on their body while in the shower and feeling depressed about it. In turn, the therapist asked, “Have you tried showering in the dark?” Get rid of that binary way of thinking. Not showering or accepting that you’re doomed to hate yourself more are not the only two options. Pull back from your situation and look for sideways solutions. There’s probably an angle you missed.

9. “Just because someone hasn’t done it before doesn’t mean it can’t be done.”

Another freebie for my fellow weebs. This one is also related to so many things on this list. I think a major theme I’ve been learning in general over the past few years is that being flexible and adaptable are some of the best traits you can develop that will get you through almost anything in life. Fuck limitations. The only people who disparage you are the ones who haven’t gotten anywhere. They are sad people to be pitied because whether they know it or not, they are subscribed to the deep and untrue belief that there are things in this world that are impossible.

10. When in doubt, use verbs.

Get rid of all your “is’s,” “have’s,” “to be’s,” and spruce your life up with sharp, precise verbs, ones that will cleave vague sentences apart. This goes beyond simple writing advice. It helps so much with communication in all avenues of your life.

11. Even though others have the perception to notice things about you that you can’t notice yourself, the majority of people are paying a lot less attention to you than you think.

Get outside of your head and kill the belief that other people who are not your close friends actually care what you are doing. There are people who may judge others all the time but the truth is, everyone else is too busy worrying about themselves and wondering whether others like you are paying too much attention to them to care. ;)

12. You can’t change someone or their minds. If someone isn’t willing to have a productive conversation despite your differing opinions then don’t waste your breath.

Here’s an easy way to tell if someone is open to hearing a different opinion from their own: they listen. We have all sorts of reasons for wanting to be the one who has the last word. Whether it’s pride, wanting to prove yourself, or getting revenge, you can overcome the temptation to try and change someone’s mind. Some people enjoy debating or having an open conversation where we learn from each other’s differences, but none of the two means that you can change someone’s mind. People can only change their own minds and most of the time, it is based on feeling more than they’d like to admit.

13. You can’t save the world. You also can’t save people.

Similarly, you can’t save people, which means you can’t save the world. You cannot play God that way. People have to find it in them to save themselves. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help or support others when they’re in need, but you must understand this boundary line, for both yours and the other person’s sake.

14. Genius and intellect are hard to measure.

I have spent my whole life wishing I was more naturally intelligent. I wish I could read faster, read more, breeze through the complicated concepts that feel above me, but the truth is, real intelligence is building upon what you already know and never stopping or being satisfied until you add on just a little more… then just a little more… then just a little more… — Before you know it, your tower is taller than you ever thought it would be, but you won’t even be paying attention to it because you just want to keep building it higher.

15. I finally learned how to be and feel productive with my time.

Like number 3, I had to snuff out the notion that structuring your work day, especially as a creative and a student, has to look a certain way. To-do lists alone don’t work for me, but journaling about what I plan to do, does. If I get scattered because I have 3 syllabuses in 3 different locations, I move them into one folder and manually transfer the schedule into my own planner, my own way. I also learned that I write better at night and need breaks in between to either go on a walk or do something mindless, like the dishes. I’ve found a rhythm so that when I started school for the first time in 7 years, staying on top of my tasks has been a cinch.

The key is to do things right, and do it everyday.

16. Having emotions is NOT the same as being soft, mopey, or overreacting.

We all like to joke about not having emotions and some people actually believe it. However, there’s no getting around it. If you are human, you have emotions. People don’t like to show or realize for themselves that they are affected by things. There’s an unhealthy connection in our society that being affected by things is a weakness. It isn’t. There is scientific evidence to show that people with trauma actually need to process events properly through the emotional centers of their brain in order to even BEGIN to heal. Processing emotions is power. It takes courage and strength. People only write it off as weak because they are too weak to face their emotions themselves.

17. Michelin star restaurants aren’t what they’re all cracked up to be.

Alinea was just a really expensive meal.

18. You can’t run away from your identities.

For a huge chunk of my life leading up to my early 20s, I got stuck in the phase of denying my Asian American identity. I hated certain aspects of Asian culture that often made me feel othered by communities of my same background. This led to me rejecting things like indirect communication. I tried to go the opposite direction and spoke extra bluntly where I could instead. I also (regretfully) was too stubborn to learn how to cook a lot of Chinese dishes when I was still living under my mother’s roof. In the end though, I’ve come to accept that people will always treat me based on how I look and the experiences I have by default of growing up in an immigrant family in America is something that will always explicitly and implicitly define who I am and who I’ll become.

19. The drive to keep on pushing and not giving up is a talent in and of itself.

I talked about natural talent earlier but aside from being good at certain skills, a more important talent is the tenacity to never give up. We all know the famous saying that you’re only a failure if you stay down, but what many people don’t fully appreciate is that constantly getting back up no matter how many times you’ve been knocked off your feet is not only the antidote to failure, but a real talent in and of itself.

20. Communicate. Even if you think it should be obvious.

Get over your pride. People have different ways of communicating. No matter how much you think someone had to have meant this when they said that, there is always a chance that you are wrong and likely reading into it due to your own projections. Unless someone had malicious intent, most people probably weren’t trying to insinuate something offensive or hurtful. Clarify it with them with a simple, “When you said this, what did you mean?” and you might learn something new.

(Ex. A friend once told me when I was talking about rice cookers, “I’ve never used a rice cooker in my life.” I immediately assumed incorrectly that she was trying to undermine my cooking sensibilities because I relied on a rice cooker more often than cooking rice in different ways that she knew. A quick conversation revealed that she was merely stating her uncertainty with using one, and it also shed light on a big insecurity I‘d been carrying that other people don’t recognize my abilities.)

The reverse is also true, so be mindful and open to clarify for someone else if they misinterpreted something you said.

21. There are always going to be people who are better than you at this or that. Forget about it. As long as you’re focused on diving deeper into the things you’re most passionate about, you’ll find peers who share the same drives.

“A jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one.”

I’m sure most of us want to be someone with approximate knowledge of many things and while it is certainly better than being a master of one, let go of the unrealistic notion that you can master it all. It’s an insult to those who have worked hard at their craft because nobody becomes an expert overnight. The sooner you accept this, the less discouraged you’ll be about not being the best. Even if you become a master at more than one thing, nobody can be the best at everything. Invest in the skills you love. The peers you meet along the way who share the same drive will be invaluable.

22. Writing as a “full-time” job does NOT mean you write and only write from 8–5 (be it AM or PM).

It took me a while to realize this but many authors and poets I admire out there have multiple identities that they are investing time in. Living life to your fullest while consuming all kinds of creative work outside of you are part and parcel of being a writer.

23. If you don’t click with someone even when you want to, chances are, they’d bore you anyway.

You can’t get along with everyone and as often as I find desirable qualities in the people I meet, not all of them are going to find something comparable in me. If people can’t appreciate you, they don’t deserve you. If you think you’re missing out on them, you’re not. They’re missing out on you. Technically, you’re missing out on each other. But for every person you miss out on, there’s a friend with ten times the qualities you want in that distant acquaintance.

(In other words, I’ve also learned that if other people are going to be cliquey, I’m peacing out.)

24. You’d be surprised at the amount of dirt that can come off simply by scrubbing harder.

I had this reflection last month as I cleaned my entire house square inch by square inch before moving in officially. I’d find stains on tables and desks and countertops that look permanent only to scrub even harder at it with some Clorox wipes and discover to my pleasant surprise that they’re not. I think sometimes, the same can be said for life.

25. Never put another human being on a pedestal.

It’s a disservice to them just as much as it is to you. Honestly, cancel culture would be a lot less wild if people simply expected everyone else to be a shitty person by default. We’re all shitty people. Accept this sooner so you can check one more thing off the list of anxieties.

26. We are all capable of being the worst people.

This deserves it’s own heading too. Unless you’ve been through an almost exact situation as someone else did, you could potentially be wrong about whether you would ever resort to their same “evil behaviors” if you were in their place. On a similar note, kill the self-serving belief that you are a good person. This is one of the many reasons why white fragility and white supremacy is allowed to persist. You are not “bad” or “good” for having racist or anti-racist thoughts. These thoughts happen to everyone at different times. Just because you do ten anti-racist things a day, it doesn’t mean you will never occasionally slip up and commit one racist thing, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re “better” than someone else who does the reverse. We are all capable of the most beautiful and the most hideous acts. Sometimes, all it takes is the right context.

27. Nobody really knows what they’re doing. Becoming an adult just means you get better at faking it.

This one is self-explanatory. Very few people have their shit together and nobody has it figured out 24/7 without a single bump in the road.

28. “Write what you know” means you need to know more things.

My husband tells me frequently that I need to learn more all the time rather than waiting until I come up against something unfamiliar before I look into it. Honestly, doing research is part of writing and can also slow you down at points, but if you go through life with a constant intake of knowledge, you’ll be more prepared when you actually need to utilize it. If you don’t always learn best by simply reading about the boring aspects of a subject matter, rest easy because there are other ways to fill your fodder with tools, information, and sensory details that you can draw upon later. Go out and experience more things. Read the news. Watch a documentary. Writing is often a lonely task. Don’t stay holed up or you will never expand.

29. If you can’t write (or create art) for your own damn self then don’t bother writing at all.

“Who are you writing for?” is a question writers are often asked. Yes, we should know our audience, but as we’ve been learning through various season finales like Game of Thrones, Star Wars, and all of the live action Disney movies, catering to your audience only leads you into bad places. People want everything handed to them on a platter. They don’t know what they want but you know what you want. Don’t write for validation or for the sake of appeasing others. Know your audience, but always, always, always write for yourself.

30. When in doubt, drink water or take a walk. Or a nap. Preferably all of the above.

A lot of problems in our lives can be solved by drinking water or taking a walk/nap. Headache? Cranky mood? Had a fight with your significant other? Creatively stuck in a rut? Any or all of the above 3 things may not resolve the entire issue but I guarantee it won’t make it worse. And sometimes, not making something worse is exactly what we need the most. Sometimes, we just need to clear our heads so we can see and think better.

Here’s to the the big 3–0!