You’re Not Crazy, Your Relationship Just Sucks
By: Steph Jouppien
Tags: Crazy Ex, Relationships, Psychology, Unhealthy Relationships, Breakups

Photo by Callie Gibson on Unsplash

If you’ve ever been labeled the ‘crazy ex’ before, chances are you’re not actually crazy, you survived an unhealthy relationship.

Not a single person on earth wants to be known as the crazy ex. The title lends itself to feelings of regret over your actions and disfigures self-esteem as you seek new relationships. Yet, as poor behaviour surfaces during relationship drama or post-breakup, most women tend to feel they’ve won the title.

Seth Meyers Psy.D., expresses how women tend to become targets of this negative title more often than men. This is because society views becoming emotional when upset or needs aren’t being met, as a negative. Anger in particular is thought to be wrong.

The truth is that anger is a necessary emotion that reminds people a boundary has been crossed or they’ve been disrespected.

Here are the stories of 3 women who felt they became “the crazy ex”. And how each of them overcame the title to live happily ever after.

How to Overcome Being the Crazy Ex, As Told by 3 Women

Sara*: “Believed I was crazy for wanting love and affection…”

I married my ex-husband at 17 and was with him for 20 years.

All that time, he never wanted to have sex or be affectionate. At first, I thought that’s what good husbands did [having interests other than sex] and I idolized him for it. But other men would shower me with attention and I started to become resentful.

As time went on, I wanted love and would literally have to beg for sex or even a single kiss. I would try to create cute moments like making him a coffee and bringing it to him with a kiss on the cheek. I’d feel him physically recoil away from me and could tell he just didn’t like it at all.

For 20 whole years, I tried to make myself small and fit into a box [for him]. I truly felt like I was crazy for wanting affection and attention. He made me believe I was just too needy.

I felt crazy for wanting affection and attention and he made me believe that I was just too needy.

Eventually, I came across intimate messages he was sharing with a much younger woman. We tried counselling, but he eventually moved out. He got a new woman right after we split up (not the younger woman he’d been talking to), who he’s now super affectionate with.

Sara*: “They’re entitled to their story and you’re entitled to yours.”

My best advice is to own who you are. I’m the lead singer in a band and love playing shows and getting healthy attention from it and that’s OK! Just because I like attention and feel good in my own skin doesn’t mean I’m needy for attention. It’s not a bad thing, it’s who I am. Your reputation speaks for itself.

Time apart is important to both you and your ex. It gives you closure, acceptance and perspective on what happened.

They are entitled to their story and you’re entitled to yours. You don’t have to give a shit what they’re saying. It’s all part of your healing process. And you want your ex to heal too, especially if there’s kids involved.

Photo by Callie Gibson on Unsplash

Olivia*: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.”

I have a long history of substance abuse and mental illness.

I met my ex at a party when we were 19 and had a very unstable relationship for the next decade. Einstein said insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. For us, It was an ongoing cycle of fighting, abusing drugs, crying, yelling and poor behaviour on both our parts. I would make the same empty threats to leave, again and again.

I went to treatment multiple times, but would never get support from him after. I’d get home and he’d always be doing the same thing, getting drunk and high. I remember one time my family staged an intervention for me. My boyfriend was high. He just sat on the couch, not saying anything, clearly irritated they were there.

I always felt crazy. And when you feel crazy and get called it, you start to believe it.

I always felt crazy. And when you feel crazy and get called it, you start to believe it.

Things came to a head one night when I left him and showed up at his parents extremely emotional and inebriated. His dad really went off on me and I couldn’t stop crying. His mom was annoyed I’d showed up like that, and scolded me saying, “I thought you’d dealt with that”.

Olivia*: “I can act crazy, but that doesn’t mean, I’m crazy.”

It was clear that my partner, his friends and family didn’t have my best intentions at heart. So I chose to be sober. And for me, that meant without him.

So I asked for help — which for me, is a really hard thing to do and admit.

If you’re in a similar position, seek out the people who have your best interests at heart — the people who have exactly what you want in life. Ask for help. Ask them how you can get exactly what they have, too. I promise you, life gets better when you leave a toxic relationship.

I hate the word ‘crazy’, especially because I’m living with mental illness. I can act crazy, but that doesn’t mean I am crazy. The people who truly love and care and support you, know that you’re not crazy. That’s all that matters.

HS*: “Emotional taunting made me obsessive, paranoid and violent.”

My ex and I lived in different towns after college.

He would emotionally taunt me by telling me about the other girls he was seeing and flirting with all the time. It made me become obsessive, paranoid and extremely angry.

When we were together, I would just yell at him about everything and throw things out of anger. I needed to know where he was going all the time and was always anxious about what he was doing or who he was with. It caused me so much anxiety because we lived so far apart.

After we broke up, things got worse. I called and texted him constantly. When he stopped answering, I boarded a bus to his city, leaving him a message saying that I was coming to see him and he couldn’t stop me, no matter what.

HS*: “Acknowledge what happened and move forward in a healthy way to build the best version of yourself.”

It took me a really long time to figure out how to overcome being the crazy ex. I sunk into a deep depression after we broke up.

My sister took me aside and told me to start working on myself. I joined a gym and I started writing [unsent] letters to him that gave me the therapeutic release I needed.

My advice would be, take time to focus on yourself and listen to your family and friends. They have an outside view of everything that you don’t see and will try to point you to view it, even if you don’t want to listen. They’ll know you’re in a bad relationship well before you do.

Final Thoughts

In speaking with these 3 women, a noticeable pattern of poor behaviour is evident. Whether in the form of controlling or manipulative behaviour, it appears that when one party reacts to unmet needs, relationship drama surfaces. As you already know, relationship strife doesn’t equate to being insane (though at times some of the scenarios we get ourselves into seem totally insane to us).

Both parties must fulfill basic needs in order to maintain a healthy balance. That isn’t to say either party is solely at fault; toxic behaviours can surface on both sides.

Let’s not forget that men and women react differently to different situations. To a man, a woman may act out emotionally by crying. As innocuous as tears can be, they may still be called or feel crazy for crying. So is it really fair to label a woman crazy for showing emotion when a man isn’t typically labeled as crazy until he’s physically abusive?

Being called crazy for showing emotion becomes more of a blanket term for displaying emotional reactions, whether healthy or not.

To summarize the main takeaways from each of these stories:

1. Trust yourself, your gut feelings and own who you are

2. Find peace with yourself and the breakup

3. Focus on your healing no matter how long that takes

No relationship is perfect. And some are downright dysfunctional. Acknowledge that it wasn’t perfect and don’t be afraid to open your heart and love again.

References: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/insight-is-2020/201911/why-be-wary-people-who-call-their-exes-crazy

*names changed for confidentiality