Defining Oneself Shouldn’t Be That Hard
By: Pato Montalvo
Tags: Life Lessons, Philosophy, Personal Growth, Personal Development, Life

Defining Oneself Shouldn’t Be That Hard

Thanks, Moana for teaching us the way.

I have a clear memory in my head that’s particularly annoying. I remember being seated on an uncomfortable chair in a big room full of people listening to a random guy speak about personal development.

I must’ve been seriously uninterested because I cannot recall anything else about that day other than this particular moment. I don’t remember why I was there, whom I was there with, what time of the day it was, nor if it was a week day or a weekend. The whole thing is a complete blank in my mind.

Except for that little thing.

The speaker must have noticed my probably intended lack of attention because he decided to approach me. My bad for sitting in the front rows, I guess. He stared at me for a moment, and then asked: “Who are you?”

“Patricio Montalvo” I answered.

“I didn’t ask for your name. I asked: ‘Who are you?’”

I tried listing things about me like my physical appearance, like my height and the color of my eyes and hair. Apparently, that still wasn’t enough. I then described my skills and hobbies, my passions, and he just kept on asking. It was frustrating.

Sadly, that’s all I remember. I don’t know what the intentions behind these constant inquiries were. I’m not even sure what was the point of it all.

At that moment, I got nothing of value out of that talk. There was no big revelation, no life-changing epiphany. I walked out confused and annoyed. It was not until later that this interaction would have an impact on me.

The Big Question

Medium has shown me enough evidence of how common it is to suddenly go “Wait, what?” about some random aspect of your life. Many times, those moments trigger interesting articles and deep reflections.

Of course, this article is a product of one of those moments. I recently started questioning aspects of my personality and my beliefs. I started writing about all of these thoughts and, suddenly, the big question struck.

“Who am I? Do I really know myself?”

I started feeling like I knew other people close to me more than I know myself. I figured that, before defining what things about myself I would like to keep or change, I should probably know myself.

It’s been a couple of years now, but probably Mr. Pedantic Speaker is grinning without knowing why. I might finally succumb into the pressure of asking myself “who are you?” until I’m content with an answer.

Realistically though, what would be an efficient way to put into words who I am, using only self-perception?

I think there are two alternatives to answer the big question; and it depends on the interest of the person asking. Practically categorizing these interests, let us say one way to answer is when someone else is asking, and the other is when asking oneself.

For the first alternative, there’s a simple solution. Realistically speaking, most of the people are not like this know-it-all speaker, so answering with a name is usually fine. If the person asking is interested in knowing more about you, they’ll probably ask about it directly.

Now, when drifting into existential awareness and asking that question to myself in an attempt to define my own identity, I’ve developed a small exercise that has given me structure.

Of course, it involves writing, so it is important to be prepared with something to write on. I find it that when writing something instead of just thinking, it’s easier to stay on track. I decided to this the vintage way: pen/pencil and a paper sheet.

Once ready, I played the song.

Moana’s Style

In Disney’s 2016 movie “Moana”, there’s one song I am particularly fond of. I remember it lit something inside of me when I first heard it. A section of the lyrics go as follow:

“

…

Who am I?

I am a girl who loves my island

I’m the girl who loves the sea

It calls me

I am the daughter of the village chief

We are descended from voyagers

Who found their way across the world

They call me

I’ve delivered us to where we are

I have journeyed farther

I am everything I’ve learned and more

…

I am Moana!”

I like listening to this song in particular every now and then. Somehow it came to mind.

This is a unique way to introduce yourself, and I love it. I’ve decided to follow Moana’s example, and designed a guide based on this song.

The structure goes as follows:

1- I started by defining what I love. I wrote about my passions and my ikigai; my reason to wake up in the morning. I wrote about the things that excite me the most.

2- Then, I wrote about where I come from, my roots. Not only about location, but about your values. I included personal beliefs and the principles I value in life.

3- I went on and listed my accomplishments. I described what makes me proud of myself. I wrote about the achievements that came through hard work and dedication. I wrote about my education and my career.

4- Next, I tweaked Moana’s formula a bit, and decided to include a section about my weaknesses. Including both external and internal factors. I considered things that don’t depend on me that bring me uncertainty or insecurity, and the things about me that I would like to change.

5- Finally, I finished off by declaring where I’m going. I wrote about the person I would like to become. I listed my goals and dreams, and named people I admired.

I decided to go all the way, and signed-off with my name, just like Moana did.

Who We Are vs Who We Want to Be

This is not the first time that I question who I am and go through an exercise like this. But it is the first time I realized that sometimes I list traits that I don’t really possess, but instead is how I would like to visualize myself.

When defining ourselves, it’s not harmful if we fall into false self-perceptions. It is very likely that our description will be biased, but I believe that’s fine. I find it very interesting who things tend to shift between a “I am” section and a “I want to be” section.

It’s Easier to Think Negative

I also often find it hard to think of multiple good traits about myself without being out weighted by the bad, and I’ve heard that’s common. It is easier to think about our weaknesses than our strengths.

When struggling with listing my personal characteristics, a good support exercise is to think about the characteristics I quickly notice about other people. If there’s a person you admire, and you know specifically why, chances are that this person has either a trait you have or that you want to have. The same goes for people you hate and bad traits.

I do believe that it is important to have a balance. I would recommend to always list as many positive traits as the negatives you can think of.

Why All of This Matters

One cannot give a solution to a problem they don’t know. The reason I started this exercise is that I wanted to know what I really want to work on improving.

When you define yourself, your values become clear. Not only do you have a satisfying answer to who you are, but you also define who you want to or can be.

In the realm of my personal life and self-perception, I firmly believe that knowledge is power. Knowing what I am, and what I want to be, always helps to clear the way. It makes big life decisions a bit easier. It is the big answer.