Freedoms of an 18-year-old (From the Viewpoint of Parents and Yours Truly)
By: Johan Dominguez
Tags: Parenting, Belonging

For a recently graduated high-schooler, college is the beginning of a new chapter in the book of life. Going to college means gaining new experiences, making new friends, and for most, college is about escaping the grasps of parents who restrict freedoms of their child. Have your parents ever told you, “You can’t go out because you went out yesterday?” Or maybe they said something like, “Be home before 11 or else you’re grounded.” If so, then you’re probably a lot like me, where parents had the big house rule of, “My house, my rules.” Even though this rule is understandable for most cases, other times it can be the most annoying thing on the face of the Earth.

When I graduated high school and had a plan for college, I knew I wanted to move out, move into an apartment, be an adult, and do adult things such as paying bills and buying groceries. The moment I moved into my apartment with my roommates, I finally thought, “Our house, our rules.” I didn’t have to obey my parents’ orders in my apartment because THERE WERE NO PARENTS. I went grocery shopping at midnight! I was hanging out with friends all day long! Life was great!

Then, on a tragic Monday night, I was having a daily phone call with my mother when I mentioned I was sleeping over at a friend’s dorm at Georgia Southern University, so I would be going home on the following Saturday instead of Friday like I usually do. Imagine my surprise when my mom tells me, “No, you can’t do that.” My mom took my phone call to let them know where I was going to be Friday, as a phone call to ask permission to go visit a friend. That’s when I realized my parents were still trying to control me even though I moved out. I was pretty mad, but after a talk with my teacher, I began to think about the different point of views that my parents and I have.

My Point of View

As an 18-year-old young adult who moved out from their parents’ house, I shouldn’t have to ask my parents for permission to go somewhere or sleep over at a friend’s house, right? The whole point of moving out and getting my own place is so that I can have more freedoms and so that my parents have less of a say of what I can and can’t do. That isn’t what’s going on with my family, however. Instead, my mother thought I was asking permission to go sleep over somewhere. If someone is legally an adult and acts like an adult, shouldn’t they be treated like an adult?

I know, I know; it sounds like I’m complaining, but hear me out for a second. According to therapists, teenagers undergo a process called ‘developmental individualization’. This is when a teenager moves out and starts to become their own person and become independent. There’s an article on a website called Focus on the Family that mainly speaks on why parents should understand and accept what they can and can’t control instead of trying to fight developmental individualization. Even though parents never want their kids to leave the nest, it’s totally natural for their child to move out and become independent.

My Parents’ Point of View

Parents will always worry about their child. That’s a given. No matter where you are, or how old you are, parents will worry about their child. Which is where my parents are coming from. My parents will worry something will happen to me if I do something out of the ordinary, like sleeping over at a friend’s house instead of sleeping in my apartment. So, my mother assuming I was asking for permission to go somewhere was her worrying for my safety. The world is a dangerous place after all.

Another thing to consider is I’m the first in the family to move out from the house. My theory is that parents struggle with the first child that moves out. They don’t know how to feel without seeing that child every day, or how to treat them when they are away. This leads to me believing my parents treat me as if I were still living under their roof because that’s the only way they know how. They want me to belong in their nest instead of leaving it and doing my own thing and becoming independent.

Before I continue, understand that this wasn’t meant to say “Ah my parents are the worst” or anything like that. I love my parents, they just can be a bit too controlling, and I know this is a problem with other people, as I discovered this while ranting to one of my best friends about it after arguing with my parents.

Anyways, parents can be controlling. They don’t want their children to grow up, to move out, to experience the world and discover themselves. They want their children to remain that. Children. Young. Dependent. Eventually, they will realize that when the time comes, the best they can do is let them become independent, to leave the nest, to move out. Children become teenagers; teenagers become adults. That’s life.

Let’s hope my parents realize this too.