Postpartum depression
By: The Mama
Tags: Newborn, Postpartum Anxiety, Postpartum Depression, Family, Moms

Postpartum depression

We hear these words and never really think about it until it happens to us. Postpartum depression is a very real thing. During my pregnancy my doctor talked to me about this because I suffer from depression and anxiety without the added stress of childbirth and hormones. After my son was born my doctor told my husband the signs to look for. He wouldn’t release us from the hospital until he was sure we both knew what to look for. Sure enough 9 days later my husband finds me sitting in our son’s room rocking him while I cried. When asked what was wrong I told my husband our baby is 9 days old and I’m not sure how it’s been that long. The next several weeks were very hard on me. I would cry for no reason. I didn’t feel like myself. I felt like a horrible mom. I had no idea what I was doing. But I did know I wanted sleep and to curl up in a ball and never leave my bed. Just let me sit here and cry.

At 13 weeks old I had to leave my son to return to work. I didn’t feel at all ready for that. I cried the 30 mins to work that day. I cried while I pumped. It was a hard time. I just wanted to go home and hold my baby. Now I’m sure most mothers have that feeling but for me it was like the end of the world. I cried for the weeks leading up to it too.

To make matters worse my milk supply dropped after I returned to work. He was drinking more milk while I was at work than what I was bringing home. This killed me. We were already supplementing formula for a few feedings a day because our son didn’t gain weight as fast as he should and I barely produced enough. (Even if I did pump for all those feedings missed). We put way too much pressure on breastfeeding moms. But that’s a post for another day.

Day after day I had to fight to find my new norm. I wasn’t who I was before baby. And I wasnt what I thought I would/should be. I lost my identity. You go from being an individual to being mommy. To make matters worse it’s not even your kid calling you mommy, It’s your husband and family and friends. That’s what hurts the most is you start to feel like even to the people who knew you before that the only thing you are is the mommy to this new person.

Now postpartum depression is hard and it’s not something that will magically go away. My husband saw the signs and knew he needed to act or things would get worse. He called my sisters and demanded they steal me for a few hours. Get me out of the house for awhile. My first time leaving my son.. 😬 it’s scary to do but it’s needed so you can be yourself for a few.

I survived it took time and finding my new self and my new norm. But guess what baby number two and postpartum can very likely come back. It’s even more likely to happen if you already had it before.

My second pregnancy my anxiety and depression were worse than before. I wasn’t happy in my job. I was sick all the time. I was miserable. I started having trouble driving because of my anxiety. Started having panic attacks because I was sure I was going to give birth to my baby at work. Had to fight for my rights at work. It’s 2021 and there are laws that protect pregnant woman. But some companies don’t seem to give a flying f*#%. I had to remind people over and over again that I needed to be able to sit down. It was always a fight well you can’t sit there or there or there or right now. And don’t feel sick because if you aren’t actively looking busy you will get in trouble. Oh and now when you are in your 8–9th month you can’t sit in a chair for a couple mins to stop feeling dizzy. You have to sit on a bar stool at a computer staying busy. Or you have to clock out for an unpaid break. (Oh and the break room is up a flight of stairs.) 😡. It’s 80+ degrees outside. I’m a human furnace. I have dizzy spells. I get hot flashes. I’m drowning myself with water. And they wanted to have problems. When I told them I would need a place to pump when I returned I was told the public family bathroom. Federal law states that can’t be a companies only option for nursing mothers. After that I was told an electrical room. That’s better than the bathroom I guess but still not really the calming environment you need when pumping.

Can you imagine knowing that’s what you are returning to after your unpaid leave? You may take 12 weeks but your bank account is not going to allow that. I knew my leave was going to be stressful and full of anxiety or postpartum depression because I would be returning to a job that did not support me or my needs while I was pregnant. What’s going to happen when my baby is sick or has a check up? What’s going to happen if my babysitter is sick? Are they going to understand?

This blog has gotten off topic. So to get back on track. Being a new mom is hard. Even for us moms that have done it before. This newborn is different than the one(s) before.

I suffered from postpartum depression with my son. I cried because he was a day older. I cried because I felt like I was alone. I cried because I wasn’t the same person I was before having a child. I cried because I couldn’t fit into my pre pregnancy clothes. See the pattern? I cried and cried. As time went on and I figured out how to handle my new life And cried less.

This time around I don’t feel like I did last time. I don’t cry as much. Does that mean I don’t have postpartum depression? Not necessarily. I don’t feel like I’m my own person. Between Ethan wanting my attention and Eliza needing me for food and comfort and sleep. By the end of the day I feel pulled in so many directions and I’m mentally preparing for another long night with colicky Eliza. I feel lost. But not everyday. Some days I feel so happy and blessed by my wonderful husband and by the joy having kids can be. Watching Ethan love on his baby sister 😍.

Today I’m sitting her trying to relax and have some time for me. While my ears still hear everything and fight the urge to go to my babies. I know I need this time.

So new moms take that time. Be selfish sometimes. You are still a human that needs to do things you did before having kids. Take care of yourself. Because you can’t be expected to take care of others while you ignore yourself. If you are feeling the blues talk to someone! (I’m here if you want to talk).

Friends and family of those with new babies know the signs of postpartum depression. Step up and help that new family if you can. Don’t ignore that new mom that just needs a break.

We might look like we have it all together and like we are supermom but at the end of the day we might be crying ourselves to sleep. Give us that break so we can break down for a few minutes before drying our tears and coming back to be the superhero our kids think we are.