Gay People and Long-Lasting Relationships
By: Jonathan E. Uzcategui Dum
Tags: LGBTQ, Love, Gay, Life Lessons, Relationships

Boredom or annoyance?

Be kind enough to yourself: Maybe you are bored or annoyed.

One way to find out is to distance yourself a little from the boredom (or annoyance) and reflect on what you want. Of course, I’m being too elegant.

When I first met Alejandro and Miguel, I thought they were the strongest couple in the world. They can’t avoid touching each other, looking at each other, whispering to each other. Things that are normally gross in a reunion, but they are very hot, so probably you can get turned on by it.

But then, one day they broke up, and Miguel was out in the street with no place to live. My boyfriend and I talked to him two days after the breakup, and he said that it was definitive.

“He always underappreciated me,” were Miguel’s words.

“In what sense? What do you mean?” I asked.

“He doesn’t take into account anything I say, not my opinion, not what I want, nothing.”

“But have you talked to him about it? I know this sounds like a stupid question, but I mean for real,” I said.

“He denies it. He says that he wants the best for me,” Miguel replied.

“But I thought you liked that about him,” said my boyfriend, Rusty.

Miguel stopped talking.

It was clear. Miguel reached the point where the things you like the most about your partner start to annoy you.

He used to love how everyone loved Alejandro. He used to love all the attention Alejandro received and how despite that he chose him. He used to love how successful and critical Alejandro was about things. “That will help me grow,” he thought.

But now he is silent, with Rusty and I waiting for an answer

“I don’t know,” he said.

And because he didn’t know and Alejandro didn’t know either, they broke up and got back together several times. So for them, dealing is breaking till you can make it. Breaking is the way they find to create an individual space.

Is this a solution? Only each couple knows for sure.

On our way back home Rusty, who is best friends with Alejandro, shares his insight.

“Well, Alejandro is pretty toxic himself”.

Oh, boy.

Anyway, the thing here is: create your own space and don’t allow invaders.

Jude complicated sexuality

For Jude, the oldest friend I have, the issue is always related to sexuality. He always gets sexually bored with all his partners. But lately, he started wondering if he is the boring one. It is because he always wants to do the same and their partners didn’t innovate? Or is it the opposite?

To explore those issues, we are seated drinking our favorite beverage, coffee.

“But how does boredom start?” I asked.

“One day I love my boyfriend, and another day I don’t. Don’t look at me like that,” he said. “I can’t avoid it. Suddenly I don’t want to have sex with them, I can’t even understand why. Out of nowhere, I have the urgent feeling of looking for sexual encounters with new people.”

I gagged with the revelation. There is a secret code between “stable gays with partners” like us. We never address or fully discuss the fact that we might cheat on our partners if that is the case. If it happens it happens. We discuss men or allude the fact, but NEVER address the issue with details.

“I know this is a dumb question, but have you tried to talk to your partners about it?” I asked.

“Well, most of my partners were very closed-minded. For instance, discussing other men even playfully could be very dangerous.”

So he goes alone. He always ended up exploring with recycled ex-lovers or ex-partners.

“But if the issue is sexual, why did you end up with former ex-lovers? Didn’t you have those issues with them as well?” I asked.

“Yes, I had them. But I do it because it is easy. Then, at those encounters, I felt like it was new. The issues I had with them no longer exist”.

That information was so heavy. We stayed silent for a moment. I didn’t even know how to process all that. I didn’t know either why I kept asking “stupid questions.”

“I’d say this—If it worked with ex-lovers… You can talk with your current partner about it.”

But the minute I said, I questioned myself. Many couples end for good because they can’t resolve their sexual issues. Obviously the thing can’t be addressed by “just talking”. There is a need to be some willingness of both to solve things associated with it.

If you don’t want to solve or at least take the risk, why bother?

The intricacies of the gay world

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I think it is impossible for any gay man not to have at least one-second man with whom he often chats in a naughty way. The level of those interactions is personal, and I’m not here to judge (you).

But have you ever wondered how those interactions affect your current relationship? I wonder about this all the time because I’m guilty too. I love the attention I get on Instagram, for example. I respond to every single flirtatious interaction to the point of fooling myself. Because there is nothing wrong about it, right? We were just talking.

And it is true, we were just talking. But the possibility that five different men like me, and that at least two of them are willing to have sex with me, affects my judgment. The excitement of seeing a different body, trying “new” things while hiding in a corner is adventurous and fun. That will likely ruin you because you will always be thinking about the one you don’t have. And if you decide to have it later, it will be worse (I’m talking about your mind).

But this means I’m bored in my relationship? Or am I just filling “the boredom” with an easy fix rather than getting to know my partner and going further?

Maybe this is the reason behind a lot of gay men asking their partners to “go public” on social media. I mean addressing the relationship in sites like IG or Facebook. And that is somehow effective, in a way that many honest guys won’t try to meddle up in your relationship. But for others, this will be a temptation to intrude. To point out to your husband’s out of context interactions.

Not knowing is as dangerous as knowing too much.

Trying to get a relationship out of nowhere

A final interesting corner to look out: Are you trying to have a relationship just because?

That was the case for my friend Alex.

He met a wonderful guy, super good in papers. I will not list the features, because that is individual and everyone has their worth.

One day Alex realizes that he is bored with him. That he doesn’t like his political views about anything, or his lack of engagement about issues important to him. However, the incredible amount of features discourages him from breaking up.

Eventually, Alex felt anxious about him. He was forcing himself to like the guy. He recited to himself internal monologues in the order of “This is the guy you always dreamed of”.

When I reached my friend to get commentary about this, he told me that that period of his love life was one of the more stressful he ever had. I asked how it ended.

“I ghosted him,” Alex said.

Sometimes, the itch is right there in the beginning, and you decide to ignore it.

If you need a time frame for this story: Two months.

So, living love and boredom

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It seems impossible to discuss what we can get from these stories without pointing out generic theories and sayings about “the 10 healthy habits of every successful relationship”. But, whether a copywriter or an actual relationship expert wrote that listicle, the key is the commitment with yourself and what you want. Once you know what you want, you will be able to apply the “15 best advice to have a long-lasting relationship”. Don’t say it: I know this paragraph is generic. But wait.

The search for what you want in your love life is a perennial state of looking and trying. It’s driven with ideas and misconceptions about what a relationship it’s supposed to be, what our family and friends want for us, and a general mix and images of “what I think would make happy” versus “what actually would make me happy”.

In the gay world, this is more complicated. Because we didn’t grow with models of “what makes gay couples happy”. Our beliefs on how a relationship works were mostly written and shaped by… straight people.

So often I question myself about those models. And I’m not talking about “open relationship” or “thruples”. Those are steps. And that is fine, perhaps that solve the sexual issue, but there are a lot of things to be addressed here, and sex is only one of them.

So when the boredom hits and you aim the web for relationship advice, try to be honest with yourself. Look at the source of that boredom. Don’t fix an image you think would make you happy. Fix yourself first.