Parenting in the Age of Sanctimommies: A Formula for Practicing Positivity, Confidence, and Love as a Mom.
By: Alexis Kraut
Tags: Judgment, Motherhood, Breastfeeding, Love, Parenting

In our current era of parenting discussions whether that be on or offline, vitriol seems to flourish while kindness and consideration dissipate. This type of negative interaction has now begun to infiltrate multiple generations it seems. If anyone can empathize in the experience of asking a question in a Facebook group or to a trusted individual, only to be met with judgment, humiliation, and shame, this article is for you.

Cue Sarah. A mom currently struggling to breastfeed who is considering her options outside of such in order to adequately feed her baby. Sarah finds a generic “Mommy Support Group” on Facebook and joins. Once accepted, Sarah sees how many members this group has and feels confident she will receive support, guidance and a wealth of helpful information. Sarah posts, “Hi fellow mommies, I am currently struggling to breastfeed my 9-month-old. He has teeth now and it is really painful for me. In addition, my milk supply seems to be going down. Does anyone have recommendations for introducing formula? Good brands as well?”

This particular category of being a mom is almost on par with the vaccine debate in terms of controversy. In our current era of mainstream parenting, electing to give your child formula is practically on par with concocting a mixture of rat poison and car oil in a bottle while maniacally laughing as your baby drinks. Not to mention, the dreaded and imminent emotional trauma you would most certainly bestow upon your baby for daring to cease that crucial biological connection.

Sarah anxiously awaits as she sees those distinctive three dots forming while three different moms are writing. The first commenter writes, “Why would you just immediately give up breastfeeding? Your baby is only 9 months. That is so selfish of you.” The next commenter retorts with, “Sounds like you are just being lazy. I had no issue breastfeeding all three of my kids until age 3.” The third commenter concludes with, “Don’t you have any idea what they put in formula? There’s a reason so many kids these days have health issues. Your baby is going to get [insert disease name here with absolutely no medically supported data connecting formula to diagnosis].” These comments truly beg the question, Would these moms be as bold and impudent in person with their chosen vernacular or would it present itself more in the form of body language depicting pompousness, judgment, and self-righteousness? Regardless, this type of behavior rears its ugly self on and offline it seems.

Sarah feels inundated with negativity, shame, and despair. Her fingers are trembling as she immediately deletes her post. Her mind begins to spiral with doubt in her abilities as a mother. I am a horrible mom. I am selfish for considering formula, even asking about it. What is wrong with me? As Sarah continues to ponder, she hears her baby cry. Her instincts immediately translate these cries as ones of hunger. Sarah mutters to herself, “Oh the inconceivable irony.” As she sits down to begin feeding, she feels her body riddled with frustration and other heightened emotions. The pain sets in and her child immediately absorbs every emotion. Sarah begins to cry as she struggles to produce and baby shares her sentiments. It is now a miserable experience for both mother and child.

One may be reading this and think to themselves, This seems a tad dramatic. Just feed your kid formula? If it were that easy, the age of disparaging mommies, especially online, would cease to exist. A mom could simply just make this decision herself, or ask someone about it, only to be met with considerably helpful information. See, the act of being a mother comes with a long history of trepidation and shame. To breastfeed or not to, to cuddle too much or too little, to cry it out or soothe to sleep, to feed organic or not to. It seems like moms can never catch a break. Just when something is purported as ‘healthy’ or indicative of ‘positive development’ by various medical and social platforms, it can be later denounced or demonized, just like fad diets. When combined with the sheer contagion of mom-shame and self-righteousness, it almost becomes plague-like.

I too can admit that I have been one of these negative, judgmental folk before. In my past experiences working professionally with parents and children, I was witness to numerous parenting practices that initially seemed to either set off anxiety-driven alarm bells or amassed to utter confusion and despondence in myself. While I didn’t necessarily agree with what these parents were doing, I knew it was my job to not only offer support but positive interventions for these families that aligned with their beliefs and models of parenting. I would be doing a grave disservice, (not to mention might lose my job) by judging and shutting out these families when they asked for my help. It can be so easy to fall wayward, be consumed by judgment and bias or succumb to the scrutiny of others, especially when you don’t initially understand the reasoning behind the behavior or practice. Regardless, the reasoning doesn’t matter, unconditional support does. Parenting reveals itself through many different shapes, sizes, belief systems, cultures, races and ethnicities. No single model is the best universally and it all boils down to whatever practice supports love, connection, and growth. It is important that moms especially be mindful of this when building relationships with one another. I know I need to continue my mindful work on this as well. So, how can moms positively parent in the age of on and offline vitriol?

There is a formula for it, and this one is good for you, baby, and family.

Step 1: Doing your best to practice mindfulness of positivity. Even on our hardest of days, being mindful of negativity’s ability to permeate our being is crucial. It can make us feel worse and spiral. Going outside or doing something you enjoy can help bring about positive thoughts and awareness of such.

Step 2: Build your parenting confidence. Do what feels good for you and baby. Whatever you do as a mom, if it is leading to happiness, positive growth and connection with your baby, you’re doing it right. Being mindful of this in the face (or lack thereof, if on the internet) of adversaries will help it affect you less and less.

Step 3: Love. Love unconditionally. Love endlessly. Love patiently. Love yourself and your baby. It is so easy to forget that love is the most important factor above all. With all of the opinions on how to feed, parent, and support your child’s growth, love is the root that grows and sustains the tree of life.

So the next time you have a question and dare to ask it online, to a friend, a colleague, wherever, and whomever, practicing this formula will guide you to the supportive and helpful responses while literally and figuratively scrolling past and barely minding the negative ones. Maintain those close connections with those who support and empathize with those who lash out revealing deep, dark insecurities. Being a mom is the hardest job of all and the ability to positively connect with one another only makes us stronger.

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