Learning How to Say No
By: Jessica Delugo
Tags: Mental Health, Boundaries, Psychology, Saying No, Self Improvement

Saying this two letter word is more powerful than we realize

Photo cred: Life Hack

This lesson of saying no is something a grand majority of us can relate on. There are many people out there who think thoroughly before making a decision, stand strong in those decisions, and move forward swimmingly. There are people out there who say no to favors and desires from others, simply because they do not want to or don’t feel like it. To those people I’ve mentioned — I’m envious of you. Teach me thy ways, oh Master.

Many people have these issues unless you’re Shonda Rhimes or Tina Fey, both of whom have taught that saying yes more times, leads to greater opportunities, experiences of abundance and career exploration. However, if you’re similar to me, saying yes too often leads to burnout. And in my case, even health complications. Overextending your boundaries and energy leads to discomfort and most times the sufferer is no one but yourself.

In learning more about my own boundaries recently, and the need to strengthen them, I’ve come to look around and takes pages off of the books of friends. The best friend who has consistently mentioned she doesn’t like texting — Boundary. The coworker who would tell stories of her saying no to having drinks with friends after work because she was tired or just didn’t feel like it. Or the times she would entertain company, she had a time limit. Boundaries people, boundaries.

Having limits on your time with others or saying no to invitations, I have found, doesn’t mean you’re not a good friend. It actually shows, to me at least, that you have a great deal of respect and awareness for your time and energy. We all have different capacities in a myriad of ways. If we are aware of which subjects we simply don’t have much capacity for mentally, emotionally, or physically, it will be a sign for us to say no or put a limit on the time we do share with people.

There’s this lovely guilt residue after saying no ; but chances are, our perception of how people will digest our no, is often wrong. People won’t actually care as much as we think they will. The human mind has these annoying habits which tell us things will make us happy or fulfilled when they actually won’t. Chances are, the things we are constantly saying yes to, might provide some thrill or fulfillment in the short term but in the long term, we still walk away feeling a bit awry.

In trying to correct this feature within my personality and strengthen my boundaries, I fall back a lot. Old habits die hard, the saying goes, and I’ve found that to be true when you’re so used to saying yes that afterwards you realize you don’t feel comfortable or don’t have the capacity. This leads to changing your mind a lot, and although it can translate as being unreliable or flakey the fact of the matter is I’m learning. It’s okay to change your mind, it’s okay to say no.

We live in a yes culture and taught that by saying yes, you’re allowing the art of life experience and connection. I’ve noticed, however, the cultural conversation has shifted from one of saying yes to people, places, and things to rather saying no and having boundaries. It seems we have noticed, as a society, that we have some boundary issues. This is where the beauty of self awareness and individual capacity comes in and can teach us the art of saying no.

Saying yes to that awesome vacation with people you love in Greece at the end of the year? Amazing. Constantly saying yes to coworkers, friends, and family who soak up so much of your time and energy that you don’t have much left over for your mental health? Hell no.

There’s a learning curve to easing your way out of the people pleasing circus but with gentleness and patience, one can get there. It’s worth it.