Daddy Went Hunting: The Division of Labor in Feminist Families
By: Agents Of Change
Tags: Gender Equality, Sexism, Relationships, Life, Equality

Daddy Went Hunting: The Division of Labor in Feminist Families

Photo credit: iStock

By Ariel Chesler

Every once in a while I find it interesting to think about what roles and tasks my wife and I perform at home and with our children. Even those of us who are cognizant of gender roles, and breaking out of them, can easily slip into them without a second thought. I think about these things both to reassess how my wife and I are dividing chores and also because I want to know what our daughters are learning from us.

Answers for much of the division of labor are connected to whether or not an individual is the primary caregiver or a stay-at-home parent, and sometimes to biology. So, for example, because my wife breastfed our children, we developed a routine in which she was primarily the one waking up in the middle of the night to feed and/or comfort our children. There were exceptions, especially when a child was sick, and we both would get up. Other considerations were part of these choices, including the fact that I had to wake each morning to go to work while my wife decided to stay at home full time.

Similarly, a number of other tasks are assigned to my wife mainly because I work outside of the home full time. She is generally the one who cooks dinner because I arrive home too late to do so. She is generally the one who is the primary grocery shopper for the family for the same reason. She is generally the one who does laundry as well.

I take on the tasks that fit with my work schedule. I wake up first with the children. I make the children breakfast in the morning. I have been the one bringing my older daughter to pre-school in the mornings on my way to work while my wife picks her up in the afternoon. I am in charge of bath time each night because I am home for that and also because I enjoy it. I also often read my older daughter a story before she goes to sleep. And, when I am home I change diapers and make food for the children and entertain them.

In the case of cat-related tasks — food and litter — I am in charge of those things because my wife began avoiding the litter when she became pregnant with our first daughter. We never reassessed this assignment and I think my wife likes it like that.

But, what about other tasks? Why am I the one taking out the trash and the recycling? Is it because, as my older daughter already has learned by my carrying her in my arms often, I am physically stronger than mommy? Why am I the one who changes lightbulbs? Why am I the one who fixes things that break? Why do I pay the bills? My wife did this at some point and then I took it over.

Why does mommy get the girls dressed? Is it because I doubt my ability to coordinate clothes as well as she after having been criticized when I did this task? Why does mommy do their hair? That’s easy — I am so lost when it comes to their hair. Other dads, I am willing to accept lessons from you on this one.

I am proud to note that my wife and I equally avoid cleaning and doing the dishes until they must be done. And, she is also superior to me when it comes to electronics and computer issues.

And, here’s another thing I’ve noticed. On these cold winter weekends I go hunting. There I am in a pre-coffee early morning daze staring out at the cold concrete of the avenue below. I throw on my jeans and lace up my boots and put on a heavy coat and hat. And, there are my girls looking up at me as I tip my hat and make my way downstairs and out into the City. And then I am stalking food that sits behind a counter. I make my selections and return a victorious hunter with bagels and pastries and coffee and chocolate milk. I thrust my catch on the table and it is devoured by all.

In 1969, Alix Kates Schulman wrote a then-controversial article “A Marriage Agreement,” in which she proposed that men and women share equally in child care and housework. The guiding principles of Schulman’s contract were that each member of the family has an equal right to his/her time and an equal responsibility to take care of the children and home. The contract called for a starting point of a 50–50 division of labor, with deviations and revisions as well as flexibility based on the circumstances. I wonder if we need to resurrect such agreements in 2014.

How do you divide tasks in your family? Do you think about why you have taken on certain tasks and roles? I’d love to hear from you.

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This story was previously published on The Good Men Project.

About Ariel Chesler

Ariel Chesler is an attorney in New York. He lives with his wife and two daughters, and one cat. He is the son of feminist author and psychologist Phyllis Chesler. You can follow him on Twitter @arielchesler or on his tumblr Feminist Dad here: arielchesler.tumblr.com