Speak Your Peace
Tags: Self-awareness, Self Improvement, Change, The Bad Influence, Peace

Self-Improvement

Speak Your Peace

Photo from the author

Years of tortured, restless thoughts have been firmly stored in the recesses of my mind. Trauma and lack of safe attachments allowed me to reside in different levels of hell daily while simultaneously learning how to show everyone else I was living a “genuine” and full life. It wasn’t until today that I realized that my pain is a language that other people can understand and speak.

Lost in Translation

I cannot count how many times I have chosen silence amidst opportunities when I could have shared what is etched onto the tattered pages of my life’s story. The weight of my experiences cannot often be carried or understood by those who wish to relate on a surface level. There have been times that I have chosen to open up, but the odd looks, the quick subject changes, the uncomfortable jokes, and the solemn silence were quick to slam the door and demand everything return to their wretched hiding spaces.

I would often choose not to share because I had no control over the consequences of baring my soul.

Throughout my life, there have been multiple therapists, family members, friends, significant others, and acquaintances that have requested my openness and then completely misheard and misinterpreted what I said. After a relatively consistent cycle of experiencing that, I got tired and decided it wasn’t worth the risk or the energy. I couldn’t keep offering pieces of myself to people who threw them in the trash the minute our discussion was over.

All of those people in my life were trying to speak a language with me that they had not yet learned or earned.

Band-aids and Bullet Wounds

If I’m not anything else, I am at least resourceful. I will figure out how to survive regardless of how unbearable life becomes. I know how to turn my pain into something palatable for other people.

I found out that I can drown out the pleads of my emotional needs with extroversion. I can be emotionally bleeding out, but I can patch it with self-deprecating humor and a fake smile like nobody’s business. Surrounding myself with other people’s issues helps me find some semblance of calm amidst my raging internal tempests.

When I found someone who would not allow me to patch my gaping wounds with the inadequate bandages that I have used over the years, I had choices to make. My mind and body initially told me to run away, but as I began to find safety, the chaos in my spirit ceased to exist. I had to choose to let myself feel feelings and finally let go of my blood-soaked memories.

Our pains are different dialects, but they are rooted in the same language.

Acceptance

It was time to speak my peace. I fought myself tooth and nail, but unconditional love and acceptance won. Tonight I sat in my chair and spoke freely to someone who allowed me to share my pain, and they didn’t try to guide me through it. They looked me in my eyes and truly listened to my soul speak. Not only did they listen, but they connected with me. They offered me their time, energy, and space and allowed me to be genuine.

It is odd to be finally free to express myself but then be suffocated by thoughts of insecurity. Yet, I found a person that naturally found a way to gently remove the vice-grip that these thoughts had on my mind. It wasn’t by using any special therapeutic techniques. It wasn’t by forcing me to speak when I didn’t want to. It wasn’t by encouraging me when I started to feel like I overshared.

They did it by offering meaningful silence and unconsciously exemplifying peace while allowing me to speak my pain.

I can finally find it within myself to speak of peace in a way that is no longer foreign to me. I thought I knew what peace was, but my perception was that it is something I feel when my mind takes a break before it begins to race again relentlessly. I’m eternally grateful that my perception was wrong.

Now I know that it is the stillness that rests deep beneath the furiously crashing waves of my inner thoughts.

Speak your peace to those who can comprehend and calm your storms.