On Everything
By: Elias Ochoa-Monsalve
Tags: Decisions, Mitski, Fashion, Growth, Dreams

On Everything

ON DECISIONS

I want to write about decisions. I feel like I have to say things plainly because otherwise things might go sideways, like the last five times I’ve tried to write this. So: Decisions. What do I have to say that hasn’t been said? Nothing. All I have to say is that they are very hard and sometimes they feel like they are not ours to make, even when they directly affect our future. This is probably one of the reasons people believe in God, just to not have to make so many decisions all the time. Imagine if every important decision you ever made was done so by the process of thinking, “God, guide me.” I would probably be a much more efficient human(there we have it folks, God is a capitalist creation to make humans more efficient). This ended up getting off the rails anyway.

Even with all the uncertainty that comes with them, decisions still feel good. When you feel like you’ve made a good decision, you feel accomplished and smart and other adjectives that describe a good feeling. The adrenaline that comes with taking advantage of our free will is something uniquely human. A good decision grounds you, reminding you of the control that you have over your own life despite all the bullshit surrounding it at times.

Or maybe you make so many good decisions that you no longer feel anything. In that case, maybe make some bad ones! Mix it up.

ON DREAMS

I take a nap almost every day. I’m awake for most of the time during these naps though, because when I actually fall asleep, I start dreaming. This is not something I should be worried about, because they’re not nightmares, just regular old dreams. The problem is, I always get too attached to the universes my brain creates. Worlds and stars and galaxies and several thousand versions of me have died just from me waking up.

Sometimes I mourn these deaths for days after. I recently fell in love with an entirely made up person in one of these worlds. And then I just, woke up. I nearly cried. “I just lost this person that was important to me, and I can’t even remember her name.” I thought. All I remember about her is the letter D in her name(or maybe it’s a nickname?) and that she had brown skin. I thought about these details all day, I wanted to remember what I had with this person, what made them special. But I don’t think I even dreamed of any specific experience I had with her, it was more of a montage. I remember her hand, her cheek, a field of some kind. I know I fell in love with her because the only words I heard were, “I’m in love with you,” and it was my voice.

I don’t think this means anything or foreshadows anything, and I don’t think there’s a metaphor here either. There’s also no cute ending.

ON FASHION

Fashion lets you be anything. It’s like writing in that way, and I think that’s why I’m starting to get into it. But it’s also a lot like writing in that it reflects exactly who you are. I personally think we should judge people by their clothes, because its clearest first indicator of who someone is. Now should we outright assume every little thing about them because of it, no. It should only be used for a basic, surface-level first impression. I’m okay with outright dismissing anyone that looks like Jack Harlow though, there are some we must stay farther than six feet away from.

The point of this was to say that fashion has helped me build who I want to be. How we look is the main thing people judge us for, and I want to look like the best version of me. Building an outfit is like building my own perfect self. There is immense pressure in that, but there is also control. A control over my own perception of myself. I’ve consistently had a hard time having any real confidence in who I am and what I’m becoming, so looking good and building a wardrobe that can make me look good in the future is important in growing that confidence.

ON GROWTH

Growth, ladies and gentlemen, it’s incredibly painful and costs too much fucking money and is ultimately the only thing that can make you feel fulfilled in any way.

Isn’t it fucking insane that there is literally only one way to be happy? And that it kinda just happens naturally if you don’t think about it that hard? This is why dumb people and kids are so happy, they can just grow by doing anything. The bar is so low for them that they can read a book or do a push-up and suddenly they’ve grown. Same goes for drunk people, if you ever see a drunk person accomplish something that most drunk people cannot accomplish — for example, successfully going to the bathroom — it’s the greatest moment of their lives.

I think striving for happiness is not a good investment. It’s like striving for an orgasm, except it’s one that takes years of work to accomplish. What I’m saying is that happiness is too fleeting, that’s why I like thinking about growth instead. Growth is something tangible, something that you can look in the mirror and see. It’s something that you can always hang onto when happiness isn’t there(so basically, most of the time). You can always think, ”Look at me, I grew.”