Happy Anniversary to me
By: Mel Kramer
Tags: Surgery, Healthy Lifestyle, Weight Loss, Bias

About this time last year I was being wheeled into surgery. A surgery I wish I was brave enough to do years earlier. I had a sleeve gastrectomy. For those of you not sure what that is, it’s the permanent removal of about 75% of my stomach, a highly effective weight loss surgery.

My only regret is not doing it decades ago. I’ve struggled with healthy weight management my whole adult life. I love food, love cooking and feeding people. Planning a dinner party, prepping all the food then watching everyone enjoy my food has always filled my heart with joy. And anyone that knows me also knows I love a drink too 😊

None of these things have changed, I still enjoy food — just tiny portions. I still enjoy a drink, just not quite as many as I used to.

I was on a slew of medications for reflux, high blood pressure, chronic pain from osteo arthritis in my knees and many more. I was pre-diabetic and insulin resistant. I couldn’t walk the 400m to my bus stop without so much pain I would be holding back tears. My knees used to pop and crack so loudly when moving that people 10 metres away would cringe. Don’t even get me started on going clothes shopping.

A year later, I know I could have lost more weight had I not let lockdown boredom (read baking and drinking) get the better of me but I’m still so proud of how far I’ve come and my attitude towards food, and my health in general.

I’m enjoying exercise again, can move without so much pain, am off all the meds and don’t break into sweats at the thought of going clothes shopping.

For years I battled a voice in my head that told me surgery was a cop out, the easy way, the cheats way to lose excess weight. Boy oh boy was I wrong. I had to learn to listen to my teeny tiny tummy and not overeat, if I did then it would come straight back out without warning. This caused a fair amount of anxiety about eating away from home! I also had to learn that I can’t drink and eat at the same time, after 47 years of having drinks with meals, I still don’t get this right all the time.

I was subjected to other people blatantly judging me, purely based on my size. Feeling ‘too much’ is as bad as feeling ‘not enough’. Both are painful, shameful and basically shit. Guess what, I’m ‘just right’ — a bit like goldilocks finding the right bed 😊

I’m so much more than the number on the scales, or the size on my clothing labels. I’ve always known that, but….. seeing the way people looked at me, hearing people talk about me or having people be outright disgustingly rude to me, it does hurt, it does take its toll. I wanted to be invisible, I didn’t want to be seen, or the centre of attention. Even well meaning unsolicited weight loss advice used to make me feel like shit. I hated having my photo taken, hated catching sight of reflection. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t hate what I saw when I looked in the mirror, deliberately looked, like when getting ready to leave the house. It was the accidental glimpses that I wasn’t prepared for that shocked and shamed me.

The one thing other peoples attitudes and bias towards me purely based on my size has taught me, is to be kind, don’t judge others. From lived experiences, especially painful ones comes growth, understanding and empathy.

Having workmates offer to drive me home well out of their way despite me being only a few bus stops away from work, having my niece or grandson want to help me get up ONE step, feeling puffed walking anywhere, getting over heated just from normal movement. These things all built up, like a massive weight, adding to my physical weight. I was tired ALL the time, I never felt well rested.

I needed to have surgery for my physical health, I was a very high risk for stroke. It finally got to the point I needed to deal with my bias about weight loss surgery and do what was necessary for me to live longer. To spend more time with my amazing husband, doing more overseas adventures (once possible and safe to do so obviously!). Playing with (or chasing) my very cheeky active grandson. Being a willing participant in life.

I also needed to work on my attitude towards my body and relationship with food/alcohol. I did the work, it started about year prior to surgery. It was at times, very difficult and upsetting to untangle and understand my relationship with food and with myself. It was enlightening and exciting too. I know for sure, had I not done the pre-work, I absolutely would have struggled so much more mentally post-surgery.

I feel really well, grateful that I had the option to do surgery, lucky that I didn’t develop diabetes, thankful that my physical and mental health are significantly better.

I no longer want to fade into the background, no longer get anxious about being too big to fit, no longer unable to participate in physical activity, no longer dread going clothes shopping.

I’m not done yet, and will continue to work on making better health choices, work on making my body stronger and enjoy life to its fullest.

2020 hasn’t been all bad, I’ve gained morning walks with the best man I know, we talk more. I miss my whanau back home something terrible, but at least we’re all safe and relatively healthy.

I’m proud of me and cant wait to see what 2021 holds.