Girls Can’t Play Chess
By: Rosa Walker
Tags: Gender Identity, Parenting, Family, Social Justice, Gender Equality

And other gender stereotypes, as brought to me by my five-year-old son

Image courtesy of Pexels.

“But I thought I would win, ‘cuz girls aren’t good at chess!” Tomas, my five-year-old, walked towards me with his shoulders slumped. His lower lip jutted out. He was the picture of male dejection.

New to the game, he had asked a young girl to play chess at our weekly gathering at our local café. With his typical brash confidence, he was certain he would win. Turns out, the young girl is one of the top-ranked players in the country. The game was over before he could settle in his chair — and chess isn’t supposed to be a quick game.

I studied his face and considered my answer. For the second time in a month I had heard him make a comment out loud that offered me new insight into what he was learning about girls and women. First time was when he rejected a superhero cape gifted by a friend because it was pink. Offended, he scowled at the cape, “Pink is a girl color, mom!” Enough said.

Turns out, gender stereotypes are like air-everywhere, and largely invisible to the (busy, distracted adult) eye

Now, my son has two parents who believe in and practice egalitarian parenting, and a fair and fluid division of labor. His dad cooks, sews, does laundry and packs the school lunches with more care and skill than I would use. And I am not afraid of manual work, in the garden or around the house — as a former wildland firefighter. I actually met his dad playing rowdy, pick-up soccer in the park, and that is still how I play with my sons.

When we interact with children, what messages do we perpetuate?

We limit screen time and are prudent with content. Mostly, our kid watch PBS kids. Wild Kratts. Odd Squad.

I select books with a careful eye to strong female protagonists and how women, gender ideas, and people of color are represented. I spend more time considering their literary diet than their actual food intake.

We are also blessed to have young girls in our circle of families who easily keep pace with my kinetic boys and their forceful personalities. These girls are spunky, bright and brave. They don’t hesitate to share their ideas loudly, or to call my boys out when they are being pushy, or rude.

Image courtesy of Pexels.

So, what gives?

Turns out, gender stereotypes are like air — everywhere, and largely invisible to the(busy, distracted adult) eye. And our children breath that air with it’s silent pollutants, long before we are likely aware, or want to consider how their agile minds are absorbing ugly, adult-created concepts.

At the tender preschool age, along with colors and rhymes, our children are also learning foundational ideas about “what girls do” and “what boys do.” And from those beginning ideas about what girls and boys do, gender roles, and an understanding of how what boys/men and girls/women do are differently valued, sets roots.

Image courtesy of Pexels.

More disturbing than realizing the sly accumulation of messaging children receive from toys, books, TV shows, is to think long and hard about our roles as parents and teachers.

When we interact with children, what messages do we perpetuate?

With a girl, are we more likely to comment on how she looks pretty in her dress? And with a boy, on what he is doing? Let’s be clear. Do we focus on descriptives with girls, and verbs with boys? What message does this send to girls about their ability to take action and be agents?

Does our tone of voice and body language soften when we talk with a girl? And then toughen up when we interact with a young boy?

What different toys do we automatically guide boys and girls towards, in a preschool classroom or home?

Do we meet girls in our lives with the same respectful challenge to their problem solving skills? And to our boys, with the same acknowledgement of their emotional needs?

As I looked back at my forlorn five-year-old that day in the patio, I realized what had been a brutal loss for my son was ultimately, a step forward. With even this small chip against gender stereotypes, we had all won.