How I Forgave My Abuser
By: Angela Welch
Tags: Self-awareness, Forgiveness, Abuse, Domestic Violence, Self Improvement

Photo by Felix Koutchinski on Unsplash

How I Forgave My Abuser

Why forgiveness is important

I thought I was over it. I thought I was ready for a relationship.

A year and a half later I got into a relationship with my current partner. Even though I waited I still was not ready to move on.

I hadn’t healed myself.

I started seeing a therapist.

This did not help at all.

It’s an inside game

I started journaling a lot about how I was feeling. This helped.

I hated when my abuser would call about the kids. My stomach would tie in knots and my heart would start pounding.

I didn’t even realize that I was tiptoeing on eggshells around my ex until my partner pointed it out.

He said that I shouldn’t let him bully me and he wouldn’t let anything happen to me.

It started to cause a problem when I would talk to him in front of my partner, he would always say I need to stand up for myself. I don’t have to take his shit anymore. I knew he was right.

I kept journaling.

I got a job at a domestic violence shelter as an overnight counselor. I had nightmares almost every night so I figured I could help the people that couldn’t sleep.

The house manager there was so helpful with me on my own journey.

She was abused before.

She explained to me what the victim mentality is.

To sum it up it’s when you think everything happens to you. It is not taking responsibility for yourself and your actions. It’s always blaming someone else.

I decided to make a change.

I sat down and thought about everything that had happened.

I took ownership for anytime that I kept an argument going, or anytime I did something stupid.

I took ownership for all of the arguments I started. I took ownership for all of the times I could have stopped, but I kept going. I took ownership of the ways I reacted when he made me really mad.

I took ownership. I realized it was me too. I realized I was the one who stayed for eight years. I realized I had as much in the fight as he did.

I am not excusing his behavior. It’s not okay.

I am not excusing mine either. Some of the things I said and did was not okay either.

Once I took ownership for all my shit something changed. I forgave myself. I gave myself a start to a new life.

I felt lighter. I felt relieved.

One day, I called my abuser and apologized. I told him what he did was wrong, but I was wrong too.

I told him I had done some things I wasn’t proud of while we were together. I’m not that type of person.

He accepted the apology. Did he apologize? No, he didn’t, but that is not what I called for. I called for me.

I started to really move on after I forgave myself.

Forgiving him became easy.

I wrote down all of the wrong and hurtful things that he did to me, and how they made me feel.

This took a while.

Like, a month.

When I couldn’t get any more words on the paper I read every line and said I forgive you out loud and I meant it too.

When I felt good about what I had done I called him and told him I forgive him. He just laughed, but I didn’t care. I felt better.

It wasn’t about him. It was about me.

I set myself free from it all. I let all of the mental and physical abuse go. I let go of all of the hurt and the pain I had felt.

In summary

To forgive someone who has wronged you will set you free. You simply can’t move forward and thrive in life with hurt and hate in your heart. You will hold yourself back. It is like a dark cloud over your head. It just follows you around. You have to let it go.

Write it out

Writing out all of your hurts helps you dig up the subconscious thoughts. The more you write the more you uncover. This also brings everything to light. It helps you process the information better.

Reflect

Reflect on what happened. Start with you, and get through your regrets

Reflect on the other person. It is a process.

Apologize

Apologize to yourself.

Apologize to the other person too. Do not apologize if you do not mean it. Work on yourself and work through it until you do.

What did you learn?

This is important. I learned my pain points and my triggers.

I now realize my strength. I know I am a good person. I know what to accept and what not to accept. I have learned to pick my battles.

I know I am not all of those things he said I was.

I have learned that I want to help people who have been through something similar.

Let go

Accept what has happened and move on.

You are not that person anymore.

Let it all go.

Change your story

You are not a victim. You do not have to hold hate in your heart.

Change the story you tell yourself.

I tell myself this happened. This does not define me. I have grown and learned.

I am not all of the things my abuser said I was.

I am better than that.

Live your life to the fullest

Once you let go of the pain, you see life in a new light. The dark clouds are gone. You find beauty in things again. You find yourself.

I have grown so much in the past few years.

You don’t have to hold onto the hate. It really does not benefit you in the long run.

This takes time, but it’s so worth it!