Choosing whether to leave or stay
By: E.B. Johnson
Tags: Nonfiction, Dating, Relationships, Self, Psychology

by: E.B. Johnson

When our relationships face hardship, we can find ourselves faced with the decision of staying to work things out, or walking away to start over somewhere new. The choice isn’t an easy one, but it becomes necessary when we find ourselves fighting and miserable with someone we no longer recognize. Do you want to put in the work it’s going to take to fix things? Or do you want to find happiness elsewhere? The answer is one that doesn’t always come easy.

There are a number of factors that go into informing our decision to stay in a relationship or leave it. From societal and cultural factors, to our own personal hangups and warped views on connection — we have to weigh these factors carefully in order to make a decision that is authentically aligned to our needs. What future are you trying to build? What kind of relationship gives you fulfillment? Once you figure out these things, you can follow through with action.

It’s not always a straight-forward choice.

When our relationships fracture, we tend to find ourselves stuck in a strange purgatory. We see the other lives that are possible, and we long to stray to healthier shores. Our hearts and our memories keep us attached, though, and the waters of love and self-interest become muddied. Do you stay and work it out with someone you’re unhappy with? Or do you call it quits and start over with someone new? The choice is never an easy one, and it’s hardly as straightforward as we think.

Although our friends and family might preach the age-old adage of, “Just break up if you don’t want to be with them,” that’s not always a realistic possibility. Factors like conflicting behavior, investment, and even mutual responsibilities make leaving someone a complicated affair. We can’t always just pick up and run — even when that’s the best choice.

So what makes the decision to end a relationship so hard? Why do we struggle along in misery when we have the choice to free ourselves? Pressure from society, warped ideas on love, and even a commitment to settling can all work together to make the decision that much harder. Although the decision is ours, it doesn’t always feel that way when you consider all the outside elements that touch on and are touched by your partnership.

The factors that influence our decision to stay.

If we’re truly seeking freedom, or a place from which we can rebuild our partnerships, then we first need to understand what influences are keeping the choice of in the air. Are your behaviors conflicting? Does it feel like society will judge you? These are all factors which matter, and considerations we must process, resolve, and shed.

Conflicting behaviors

The way we approach our relationships and the way we act within them are two very different things. When our words and behaviors don’t match, they can make the partnership confusing or conflicting. Perhaps your partner tells you that they love you, but they don’t back it up by showing up when it matters. Maybe you feel unhappy within your relationship, but become confused by a sudden romantic gesture. The ups and the downs never make it easier to see our partnerships for what they really are.

Outer world factors

Although our relationships are a private and inside job, the outside world does a lot to inform the way we view those relationships and the people within them. When the outside world becomes more enjoyable than your relationship, the cracks (and the resentment) begin to show. As things breakdown, you may realize that you have other options. You can start to view your partner as a low-quality alternative to the things you wish you had instead.

Overwhelming comfort

You can be unhappy in a relationship and still experience a great deal of comfort. That’s because there’s comfort in the predictable, and old relationships are nothing if not predictable. This comfort becomes a problem, though, when it starts to outweigh our desire to be happy. You become complacent and lazy in these types of relationships; losing sight of everything from your physical health to your mental and emotional wellbeing.

Misaligned feelings

It’s hard to cut yourself off from someone who still really cares for you. When we’ve fallen out of love with a partner who still loves has feelings, it can create a tremendous sense of guilt and shame. Although you don’t want to be with them, you don’t want to hurt them either, and your damning sense of compassion drags you down into a partnership which is neither enjoyable nor fulfilling. Resentment builds and you can find yourself dealing with an even more toxic mess than before.

Settling for forever

There are some people out there who mean “forever” when they commit to someone they love. As things grow more comfortable, they make peace with staying in the relationship forever (something which is sometimes influenced by social or religious pressures). They may also harbor warped views on love and connection handed down through dysfunctional relationships with family and loved ones. This noble determination to “stay together no matter what” is never healthy for our long-term future, though.

Emotional manipulation

Emotional manipulation is one of the most common reasons we can find ourselves struggling to make a choice in regards to our intimate partnerships. Whenever you approach your partner or spouse about the topic, they may break down and become so emotional that it triggers your guilt. Wanting to avoid causing them any pain or trauma, you’re manipulated into falling back into line and back into a relationship with them (even though you don’t want to).

Overall investment

Overall investment plays a big role in the decisions we make regarding breaking up or staying. When you’ve put a lot of time and effort into someone, it can feel like giving up when it’s time to walk away. You share a lot of memories. You go through a lot of challenging experiences together. You may share a family together. This doesn’t always make for a productive partnership, though. Even though it does make it harder to walk away when you need to.

How to make the right decision (and follow through).

You are the only person who can make the right decision for you. Is this the person you’re ready to fight for? Is your relationship beyond repair? You can break up, or you can stay together. The choice is yours and yours alone. Whatever you decide, though, you must ensure that it’s what’s best for you, what you really want, and what aligns with your greatest happiness.

1. Figure out what you actually want

Establishing a relationship is a bit like going on a long journey with someone. You jump behind the wheel of a car and set out together. Things are going well for a while, but eventually you hit some detours and sometimes discover that the final destination isn’t an option at all. What do you do? There can be no appropriate decision made until you’re crystal clear on what you want and need from an intimate relationship.

Step back from your relationship and look away for a little while. Turn your attention instead to your perfect relationship. If the perfect partner existed, what would they look like to you? What about the perfect relationship? Think about how you would feel. Think about how the other person would believe and act.

Be as specific as you can and leave other people out of it. Don’t imagine who your mother would want you to end up with. Don’t imagine your father’s perfect partner either. Who works for you? Who would make you feel seen and valued every single day of the year? Be realistic, but don’t sell yourself short either. Once you have a clear picture, compare it to your current relationship? How much of what you need is being met?

2. Lean into your passions

Whether you decide to end your relationship, or you commit to making things better — you’re going to need the energy and the motivation to make change happen. This energy is going to come from your sense of self, and the intrinsic self-esteem that empower you to know you are capable of making your relationship work. We can re-establish these things within ourselves and find a better perspective by leaning into our passions and reconnecting with our authentic self.

If you’re running around after a broken relationship, stop it. Before you can effectively rebuild a relationship (or extract yourself from it) you’re going to need to remember precisely who you are and what you’re capable of. Your passions help you do that. Find those activities, pastimes, and social groups which make you laugh, feel content, or otherwise invigorated by life.

When we’re happy on the inside, we have clearer vision. We’re able to better prioritize our happiness and take charge of our destinies. Recapture and recharge your emotional battery by taking an online course, writing, reading, painting, running, or just chatting to a group of close friends. Get back in touch with your genuine self and allow that person to carry you through everything that comes next.

3. Check in with your gut

We live in a society that is (mostly) compelled only by the concrete evidence we can see. We don’t have time for intuition, but that’s a tragic mistake which can have disastrous consequences for our relationships. There can be no denying the power of intuition when it comes to choosing whether to go or whether to stay. This powerful arm of our subconscious often has wisdom for us that we are unable to see. But to get to that wisdom, we have to be brave and embrace the unseen.

Check in with your gut. Listen to your intuition. What is it telling you about this partnership right down in the very pit of who you are? You’ll have all the time you need for evidence and facts later. What is your subconscious understanding that you’re refusing to see?

Our conscious eyes are weak and blinded by those factors which confuse our choices. It’s important that we learn to listen to our quiet mind, and all the subtle truths it holds for us. Be brave enough to embrace your intuition and listen to it. When you’re with the wrong person, you will feel it in every fiber of your being. You’ve got to let go of your ego, though, and all your preconceived notions. In order to see the truth, we have to strip our own lies away.

4. Reach out to support networks

There is little denying the power of our support systems when it comes to deciding the course of our relationships. While we should never rely on the opinion of others to direct the course of our intimate relationships, we can always rely on them for a different view of things. Our friends and families are a powerful mirror by which we can see a more accurate reflection of both ourselves and those we choose to give our hearts to.

Don’t struggle alone with your thoughts. Reach out to the people you love and trust most in the world. Explain where you’re at and what you’re thinking. Ask them how they see your relationship and ask them how they think you should fix things.

Take the advice that is fair and balanced, and leave out anything that doesn’t align with your deeper truths. Take your rose-tinted glasses off, though, and really listen to them. Your loved ones want you to be happy, and they often see things that you don’t have the perspective to see. Filter their advice and keep what makes sense to you. Allow them to be the motivation you need to prioritize your happiness and the relationship you truly want.

5. Make your future a priority

So many of the considerations that keep us stuck in unfulfilling relationships are outside considerations which force us to put our own needs on the back-burner. Instead of what’s right, we put the joy and expectations of our friends, families, churches, and communities before our own happiness. Little-by-little, our sense of self and pride get pushed to the back-burner until we’re totally lost and looking for a way out. If we’re going to be happy we have to break this cycle and make our own futures a priority.

Before you make any decision or take any action, ask yourself one key question: Is this going to make me happy in 10 years? We should always seek to make decisions that are positive. That is to say that they should result in a forward movement that takes us closer to fulfillment.

No one else will make your future a priority but you. We alone are capable of making ourselves happy, and we alone have the power to heal our hurts and resolve our pains. No partner will save you. No perfect partner exists. There is someone out there, though, who is moving in the same direction as you. Is this the person you’re with now? Do they want your happiness as badly as they want their own? You can’t build a long-lasting relationship until they do.

Putting it all together…

There are a lot of factors which feed into our decision to stay in a relationship or leave it. It’s not always as easy as following our feelings; sometimes we get caught up in the opinions of others, and the years of shared investment and memories we share. We must look past these factors, though, and be honest with ourselves. Is this a relationship we want? What about one we need? The answer is one that comes one with some internal digging.

Figure out what you actually want and consider the things that matter most to you within an intimate partnership. Once you’re clear on some realistic expectations, compare them to your current relationship. Are you getting what you want? What about what you absolutely need? Reconnect with your passions and use this to re-engage with that deeper sense of self which can guide you in honesty. Listen to your intuition. What does your gut say about this relationship? What does it say about moving on? Reach out to your support networks and get their perspective if the waters seem too muddied. The only decision you need to make is that one which aligns to your true gratification. Make yourself and your future a priority in order to make the right choice for you.