Dear Fellow Human Inhabitant of Earth,
By: Colin Ortstadt
Tags: Political, Letter To America, Social

Dear Fellow Human Inhabitant of Earth,

​There are all forms of revolution, big and small, erupting everywhere these days. As historians of our own lives, we can’t help but take notice. Be they fights for race and gender equality, defunding the police, or uprisings like the assault on the US Capitol, history may remember this time as a true awakening.

What about actual wars, like the wars being waged by terrorist groups trying to infiltrate West Africa? Or, what about the endless war in the Middle East that America has been a part of now for over 30 years? How about the war currently being waged along the Ethiopian and Sudanese border? Who would have thought that a group of white guys drawing squiggly lines throughout Africa to divide the continent would have been such a bad idea?

Speaking of neighbors, what about America’s favorite neighbor to the north? Canada. Don’t you think our Canadian friends are being just a little bit too quiet up there? What if, in the future, our country suddenly became third world overnight? Do you think the Canadians would let us in?

Does it also scare you that our other neighbor, Mexico, just had their whole democratic process virtually eliminated by the steady assassination of 91 of its politicians leading up to their recent elections? Fact. What if that happened in our country? That’s right, it almost did.

Here’s a question: How many children 100 years from now will learn about George Floyd or the Black Lives Matter movement? It’s up to us to ensure that they do.

What about our economy? What about the technologies we’ve developed that helped to cause so much market optimism during difficult times? Or should we give credit to Trump? Or Peloton? Maybe it was people like Elon Musk, or the privatized conquest of space, 2% interest rates, cryptocurrency, or even oat milk.

Yes, they make milk from oats now. Don’t ask me how they do it. But please, keep investing in R&D. You would feel the same way if you only tried oat milk. Besides, it will save the world from the noxious gas expelled from a few Happy Cows in California, and tens of millions of unhappy ones in Texas. I love the deer that walk by our house every night, and the thought of them choking on methane upsets me. So just kill the cows now, but spare us other animals. Random Question: Have you ever made your own VIsion Board?

BTW. Who hasn’t been vaccinated yet?

When we get to Heaven, God himself will ask us for our vaccination cards before running a few functions on Excel to calculate whether we get in. God wondered what it was like to do white collar work, but instead of sending Jesus back down to find out, he got a MacBook Pro and took an internship with Apple. God is now the only Apple intern who gets to work remotely. Tim Cook is guaranteed a place in Heaven. It’s in writing, and it’s honestly where Tim Cook belongs. Remember, he helped give us our iPhones. Steve Jobs is already up there.

Something is happening right now, and I didn’t even mention the “R” word. Racism. Our inability (or unwillingness) to empathize with each other may be the most challenging issue of the day. How do we overcome it? Defund the police? If only we could make killing someone on the job a cost prohibitive liability!

I’m not here to provide solutions, but perhaps if we chose to empathize with each other a little more, especially with people who seem so different from us. We’re all human, after all. I guess the problem is fear, and the hundred forms of it that control our every action, and more importantly our every inaction.

Sadly, the maximum word count I allowed myself is pretty much gone, and since nobody reads anymore anyways, I humbly retire this letter to the annals of the digital age, where 100 years from now anthropologists who are studying our long lost culture can read it and reference it as a footnote in their latest thesis. A little immortality is what we are all after anyways, isn’t it? I’ll take mine in footnote form.

In closing, I cannot help but recall the poignant and prophetic words of one of my long revered heroes who made a career out of embodying the role of a classless and sleazy caricature that served as my one and only role model during my awkward youth. That’s right, I’m talking about you, Jerry Springer. I will never forget the unifying words you sang out each glorious afternoon. your heartfelt monologue that closed every episode, words juxtaposed in a fashion designed to spread kindness, if only as a fleeting thought.

“Until next time, folks… be kind to yourselves, AND each other!” I cant imagine for one solitary second that he honestly meant it, but it was popular trivia like Jerry Springer’s Final Thought, and quotes like that one and many more like it both distorted and comforted my neurotic, thorough, and obsessive mind. I would bust out in moments of awkward silence with random trivia no sane man west of Poughkeepsie had ever heard.

But one passing piece of advice that likely went unheeded by generations of lesser men never left me: Know thyself! Most people are too scared to unpack their excavation tools and begin examining the traumas and other inexcusable abuses a boy of any age is too young to feel anything more than guilt, shame, and a level of self worth that would require a highly organized convoy committed to ensuring your successful conquest of the demons that on some days masquerade as best friends.

Some days I just don’t feel worthy or confident enough to play the role of human being. I never found the time to cultivate much more than an extensive and impressive collection of curse words. Who was it that said life is hard?

I couldn’t possibly end this piece without the words of my lifelong hero and the only hero of mine, in fact, to make a mullet as sexy as the luxury car he pilots on his drive home from the studio.

So, without further ado, take it away Jerry Springer, who without fail would never forget to remind us all to “Take care of ourselves, and each other.” I’m not sure if he meant it every time, but who cares. This world needs more empathy and humble compassion for our fellow neighbors and human beings however we can get it!

Until next time, assuming my editors don’t strip me of my right to engage with the fine and loyal educated readers like yourselves, I look forward to unveiling to you, my loyal readers, my haphazard outline on how to cover it all. And yes, by ALL I mean everything! The uncanny, the improbable, the ghastly events long passed but still pertinent. The inconceivable has been transpiring daily with such casual tranquility I sometimes wonder if the entire world now aspires to sport their Deerfoam slippers and pajama pants as an indefinite compromise resulting from the lessons we have all learned with dangerous anarchist leanings revolving around pretty much not giving two fucks about your neighbors and not even a fractional half fuck about the last time you wore matching socks. Admittedly, it’s been a few good weeks for me, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. But please, for God’s sake let’s keep the SF Bay Area insulated by a cheap layer of sun scorched bubble wrap and a commitment by every California resident to take an immediate 30 day vow of silence. Either that, or we all just get stoned daily until a brilliant stony solution presents itself.

Until next time, to my lovers and to my friends — Peace out, Love life, and find your voice in the midst of finding your elusive passion and purpose. Get angry about something. Stew in it for a day or two. Then just let it all blast out of you at once. Do this every day. Doctor’s orders. Comment under this post if you need to do some fleshing out.

Life has reopened its welcoming gates once again. Let us reclaim the reigns of our shared humanity and for once talk candidly about the things that scare us, that excite us, along with the stories and secrets we have been holding onto for years.

Warm Regards,

Colin Ortstadt