What Do I Teach My White Child About the Police?
By: H. Elizabeth Falk
Tags: Police, Race, Racism, Parenting, White Privilege

What Do I Teach My White Child About the Police?

White parents need to have “the talk” with their children too

Photo by Praveesh Palakeel on Unsplash

The other day my toddler came home from preschool and showed me his art project for the day. It was a workbook print out that said “We love Police Officers!” I cringed and thought, do I want him to be taught to love the police? When I think about that police officer with his hands in his pocket and the others just standing there as George Floyd called out for his mother with his last breaths, no I don’t want my son to be taught to love the police.

This got me thinking, what should White parents be teaching their children about the police? I don’t want my child to learn what I learned when I was growing up, that cops were always good guys fighting crime to keep us safe. Everything I saw in the movies, TV, and media reflected this idea. Even when the police were portrayed as corrupt they were generally doing it with good motivations, bending the rules to capture the bad guys. If the idea that the police could abuse their power or be unjust was ever presented, I have no memory of it.

I was in high school the first time I became aware that there might be a different perspective than what I’d been taught about the police. One summer I participated in a special program where students from high schools all over my state came together for a two-week workshop. I grew up in a small farm town, this was the first time I met kids my age who lived in the city and in bigger suburban metro areas.

One of the classes I attended focused on culture; we learned about cultural differences as they related to nationality, region, race, gender, and religion. I vividly remember one day when the instructor asked all the White students to describe what they were taught about the police. We all shared positive things. Then he asked the Black students the same question and the response was quite different. At seventeen years old, it blew my mind to think that some people didn’t think the police were all honest and noble people protecting us all from crime.

I don’t want our son to be naive about the realities of racism and police corruption like I was. Yet I have to admit I also want him to search for a police officer if he is lost or needs the help of an adult. While police corruption is obviously a problem they also do provide a service to our community. It’s complicated. For now, at least, I don’t want to instill a sense of fear of the police in him. I also want to make sure when he is older he is exposed to the reality that police departments play in systemic racism.

Photo of the artwork by the author

It’s only relatively recently that many White people like me have become aware of something that is standard in Black American culture, known as “the talk.” This is when Black parents educate their children about how to interact with the police and stay alive. NPR produced a powerful interview of Kenya Young about having this talk with her sons. The piece also provides expert advice for Black parents on how to have age-appropriate conversations with their children about interactions with the police.

Why aren’t White parents also encouraged to educate their children about the dangers of police brutality? Of course, the fact that White parents don’t have to have “the talk” with our sons is part of our privilege. Rather than just feel guilty about this privilege, why don’t we make it a point to have a different talk with our children? What if there was a White version of “the talk” for our children?

It should be a part of White culture to educate our children that sometimes interactions with the police don’t go as they should and people are sometimes hurt by the police. Our children need to understand that this can happen to anyone but it is far more likely to happen to BIPOC than to them. We need to discuss strategies with our teens for what to do if they are out with BIPOC friends and they are stopped by the police. Discuss how they will advocate for their friends and themselves. Instill in them that they have a responsibility to take the lead in answering questions and talking to officers because BIPOC is more likely to be perceived as a threat by law enforcement.

For this to be effective it requires White parents to first educate themselves about systemic racism and figure out how to be an ally. White children need to learn from their parents about the concept of discrimination and the role of White people in fighting for racial justice. Discussions of privilege and implicit bias need to be a regular and ongoing conversation in White families. Our children need to learn about American history as it relates to racial justice; there is far more to it than the story of Rosa Parks and MLK saying people should be judged by the content of their character rather than the color of their skin.

I can already see the hand wringing and protests of White parents as they resist the idea of these talks. They don’t want to scare their children or upset them. They don’t want to emotionally scar them. I call BS on this. There is no reason you can’t have age-appropriate conversations with your children about racism.

First, children are far more resilient than our current overprotective parenting culture leads us to believe. Second, Black children are exposed to the reality of racism very early and it’s not fair to protect your children from it just because you can. More importantly, it is a disservice to your children to teach them only the White privileged perspective. When you do this it teaches them to perpetuate systemic racism, which is harmful to us all.

I realize that there are some inherent flaws in the idea of a White version of “the talk.” One could easily inadvertently teach their child to be some sort of White savior who not only offends their BIPOC friends but also makes things worse in some situations involving the police. The complex nuance of being an ally escapes most adults so it seems unrealistic to expect youngsters to get it right. Yet I still say we need to start trying to do this. If we really want to see change, then part of the solution is to raise the next generation differently with more awareness.

Systemic racism is a massive and complex problem. It won’t be dismantled by a few White families having conversations with their kids. But we all have to do what we can. To have a paradigm shift in a whole culture will take many different approaches and actions by a lot of different people.

One thing that I believe White people can do is to abandon the color-blind approach of the past and make an effort to educate their children about the reality of racism and police corruption in this nation. It likely won’t solve everything, but it is certainly a place to start.