The Birth Of A Mother
By: First Time Mama
Tags: Motherhood, Birth, Mothers, Pregnancy, Baby

I was winging it on day one of motherhood, and I’m still winging it on day four thousand eight hundred and sixteen.

Let’s face it; parenthood doesn’t come with an instruction manual — we learn the hard way! One day you’re on top of your game, makeup done, clothes ironed, multitasking like a badass. The next day you’re still in your PJs at 2 pm running on an hour’s sleep, boobs leaking, with a baby that won’t shaddap unless it’s physically attached to you.

No one is born knowing how to be a mother, and when you become one your still pretty clueless. There’s a lot of talk about the maternal instinct; mother knows best. The ridiculous notion that the moment you become a mother, you become a baby whisperer and instinctively know what they want! I think it’s a societal construct that can be extremely damaging to mothers and fathers. Not all women feel an instant bond with their baby or feel like a natural, and that’s okay. When you become a mum for the first time, it’s perfectly okay not to have a fucking clue what you’re doing, none of us really do! Despite what we might post on social media.

Every day of motherhood is a new adventure I have thirteen-year-old and a two-year-old and still feel like a complete amateur. Always worrying if I’m doing it right!

Having children is the most wonderful thing, they bring so much joy, love and light into your life. Until you have children, it’s tough to understand just how much love you have for them to the point you would give your life for theirs. It’s also incredibly difficult — the first year is an absolute roller coaster. Your amazing body has created a living, breathing little person, and you have gone through the trauma of birth to bring them into this world. You then must recover and learn how to keep them alive.

For many women, I included, early motherhood can be a very lonely and confusing time, particularly with your first baby. Becoming a mother is an identity shift, and one of the most significant physical and psychological changes a woman will ever experience. I was so happy to have my baby, but I felt I had completely lost my identity. What happens when the reality you’ve known changes forever? What about your career? Your friendships? Your sexuality? Cue mild existential crisis.

After my first, I quickly become a single mother, and I frantically tried to hold on to what was, determined not to be put in a box by society. I was a mother, and I loved my baby with every ounce of my being, but I did not want motherhood to define me. I decided I needed a career change. I went back to college, learnt a new craft and started my own business. Not content with what the small northern town I grew up in could offer me, I upped sticks and moved to Manchester — determined to do it all alone. I could run a business, be a mother and have a life without the help of anyone else. It wasn’t easy, but I somehow managed.

There are eleven years between my boys, and with my second, I have been more at ease with motherhood. Being responsible for a new life hasn’t been as terrifying second time round. But, I still feel terribly conflicted. I want to be at home with my children, but I also want to throw myself into my business. There are only twenty-four hours in a day, so unless I stop sleeping, I can’t do it all myself. No matter what some personal development gurus tell you.

The psychiatrist Daniel Stern explained in his books on motherhood that giving birth to a new identity can be as demanding as giving birth to a baby. The psychiatrist Alexandra Sacks says that it’s entirely normal for women to find themselves feeling lost somewhere between who they were before motherhood and who they think they should be now. She says there is a scientific explanation. Women who have gone through the hormonal changes of pregnancy have a specific neurobiological experience. The process of becoming a mother is calledmatrescence. It’s an awkward phase of change that she describes as, “like going through puberty all over again: your hormones go nuts, your hair and skin don’t behave the way you’d like, and you develop a new relationship with a body that seems to have a mind of its own.” The difference is, everyone understands the awkwardness of adolescence. It’s a highly talked about subject, while matrescence on the other hand. I’d not heard of it, had you?

She encourages mothers to gain a greater understanding of their psychology so they are better able to normalize and validate how they may be feeling. Read more about her advicehere.

We put so much pressure on ourselves as mothers, and we feel constant guilt. We talk to ourselves in ways we would never dream of speaking to anyone else and are very quick to put ourselves down. I know it’s easier said than done, but we really do need to be kinder to ourselves. Our bodies and our hormones are going through some major changes, and we need to be patient until we find our new normal.

It’s very easy to crumble under the weight of comparison; it’s easy to feel inadequate to the “supermums” on social media that are back in their size eight jeans the day after birth. The reality is that there will be another mum looking at you in awe, thinking you look fabulous and you’re doing better than her. Why do we do this to ourselves!?

I found mother-baby groups a huge help. I met other mums there who I could talk to and who understood exactly how I was feeling. They were like my lifebelts and have become some of my best friends. I honestly don’t know what I would do without them. If your struggling my advice would be to find your tribe, find the people, the other mums that have got your back and make you feel good about yourself. They are already out there looking for you.

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