Your thoughts become your reality
Tags: Forgiveness, Inner Child, Thoughts And Feelings, Reality, Love

My turning point came when my daughter was born. Her personality reminded me of myself when I was young and I constantly found myself getting very irritated with her and I would lash out at her. About two years ago, she told me she was very sad because she felt no one loved her. It was then that I made the intention to stop the cycle of feeling abandoned and unloved, and although I tried to be more patient and put myself in her shoes, I struggled to love her unconditionally.



As though my prayer was being answered, I chanced upon an inner child workshop by The Golden Space in June this year. Although having survived the dark night of the soul in April, I was still in the thick of a spiritual awakening and I knew I needed to heal my inner child. It was during the workshop that I met her for the first time. From then on, the roller coaster ride with her was nothing short of exhilarating, frustrating, illusory, depressing, dark and hopeful, sometimes all within the same week. I was told I had a lot of forgiving to do and I needed to love myself more. As I dived deeper, each act of forgiveness would bring up even more issues or I would revisit the same ones.



As I cleared layer upon later, more resources were brought to me and I met new people who taught me things about myself I never knew. Eager to climb out of the illusions and the pain of suffering, I would meditate up to twice a day and do yoga with affirmations for an hour each day. I would attend up to four meditation classes a week while fulfilling my duties as wife and mother of two. I stopped eating processed food, meat, dairy, beancurd and most nightshades to get rid of the fear. Still there were twists and turns, my story ever changing. Each reality I embraced turned out to be yet another illusion.



On my birthday, my Mum delivered my present to me and I felt very touched that she had made the time, effort and used her limited resources to buy me a gift. I wanted very much to hug her and tell her how much I loved her, instead I busied myself with my daughter’s lunch, “I love you” wedged in my throat.



By this time, I was able to communicate with my inner child by being very mindful. My inner voice was no longer just a feeling but a child’s voice I could hear. She was looking not for material gifts but for affirmation. "She can only love with the tools she was given," I said softly to my inner child.



In the evening that same day, I texted my Mum out of guilt for my response earlier in the day. "Thank you for coming over with my present."



"I wish I could give you a bigger present," was the reply.



As I teared, I wanted to say, "All I want is for you to love me". Instead I said, "It’s ok. I have all I need."



"I love you Mummy" had been playing in my head all day, but my inner child said she was not ready. I knew if I was to heal, we had to move in tandem and so I waited hopefully.



Just before I went to bed, I texted my mum "I love you Mummy. I am sorry I did not appreciate you before".



The reply was swift. "I love you too. It’s ok as long as I am still here. I told you before I will always be here for you." It was then I fully appreciated the theory that we have different love languages. It was not that she didn’t love me, she loved differently. She was not brought up on affirmations, quality time, physical touch, acts of service or receiving gifts. I remember she told me my grandfather would buy her gifts from time to time and that is how she loved me.



In mid-September, an emotional integration workshop I attended by Dr Stephen Gilligan saw me set the most powerful intention I ever made. Inspired by the breakthrough we had less than a month ago and amidst a torrent of tears, I manifested for my deepest desire; to break down the wall between my Mum and me. I gave it six months.



I continued with my routine. Although my food variety was very small, practising mindfulness helped me to fully appreciate every meal so much so that I could eat the same food for breakfast every day and yet feel it was the best thing I have ever eaten. I extended this routine of being present as much as I could and found many chances to be grateful throughout the day. Gratitude brought along with it peace and joy and so I often found myself feeling grateful even as I tried to make my way out of dakness.



On 6th December, I spontaneously gave my Mum a hug. She was surprised and although she did not hug me back, I felt so joyful that I could give her a hug without a care in the world. After all, shouldn’t all children be able to hug their parents whenever they could?

And even greater than healing my relationship with my Mum is I realised the more I collaborated with my inner child, the less I saw her as a child who needed to be controlled or as a saboteur. Although she was wounded, she is in fact very wise and guides me to areas I need to heal to eliminate my addictions and to reclaim my power. The more I embraced myself, the less I judged others, and the more peace, joy, love and gratitude I felt within.



On 23rd December, my Mum brought over the best Christmas present I have ever received. While we were still estranged, she bought Lego-like toys and over the last three days, she pieced 849 pieces together to form two separate structures.



I hugged her and she hugged me back. There were no tears, only a waterfall of gratitude, joy, peace and love because in this lifetime I did what I thought was impossible; I healed my relationship with my Mum.



I know as I continue doing inner work and move forward, my relationship with myself and others will only become more meaningful and I will attract even more meaningful ones.