A List of Unsexy Things to Think About Before Committing
By: The Good Men Project
Tags: Relationships, Advice, Dating, Love, Commitment

A List of Unsexy Things to Think About Before Committing

Not pithy, sexy, or fun, a relationship checklist to consider before making a serious commitment.

Photo credit: Shutterstock

By Tim Lineaweaver

I remember it vividly, though it was twenty-eight years ago. My first wife had just asked me for a divorce in my therapist’s office and they were both were looking at me, bracing for my usual gale of anger.

After an exhaustive two-year effort to save our marriage, the feeling of utter failure, profound defeat, sadness and frustration cut me to the core. Instead of becoming angry, my usuaI M.O., I folded into myself and cried from the bottom of my toes–me the guy that seldom could muster even a single tear. This loss recalled all the ones that came before it. Yet another failed relationship.

Over the course of my years as a therapist, I have interviewed thousands of people and one continuous theme is problematic relationships. I have seen couples of various stripes and hues arrive at my door, some just starting to show signs of strain, some on life support and some dead on arrival.

Often I can hear couples bickering in my waiting room, their initial attempts to keep their voices low failing as the volume steadily increases. I open the door and the white-hot tension of their anger smacks me in the face.

What are the elements of a good relationship?

I would love to come up with some sexy, pithy top ten list of easy steps. Doing so could surely garner me a viral social media response. However, my personal and professional experience tells me it takes steady, hard work to start, forge, and maintain a good marriage.

Choose Wisely and Go Slowly

I half-jokingly tell people I will write a book on marriage containing only two words but all the wisdom you would ever need to know: Choose wisely! I met my first wife at keg party and she came home with me that night. For a time we were inseparable and in love. We got married two years after that, spent a miserable year together, separated, and bitterly divorced.

My second marriage was much more cautiously entered into. We both had children from our failed marriages. There was also a sense of wanting to do things right. In those days, post-divorce and post-addiction, I felt very unsure of myself, relying on my therapist to guide me. She had a radical notion that I should delay any deep involvement, sexual or otherwise, as long as possible. The overarching idea being: don’t commit until you’re sure.

First we dated and as we dated, we talked. We came to know each other well. Our emotions deepened as our knowledge of one another increased and a foundation of trust was built. Only after six months of dating did I begin to spend weekends at her place. We waited a year to move in together and became engaged a year after that. Coming together slowly gave the relationship traction and gave us the opportunity to plan a future.

Plan, Discuss and Create a Vision for Your Future. Repeat.

Welcome to the really unsexy part.

For a moment, think of your relationship as a business. You and your partner are the CEOs:

What is the mission of your marriage?

What are your goals?

What is your vision for one, three, five and ten years out? Are you on the same page?

Once you’ve agreed on your goals what is the division of labor going to be?

How will you manage money and finances?

Is parenting on the table? Talk about your values and expectations of one another as parents.

If you don’t have stated goals and an understanding for how you’re going to accomplish them, you’re bound for trouble.