How To Be Taken Seriously At Work
By: Ellie Guzman
Tags: Work, Women, Jobs, Satire, Humor

How To Be Taken Seriously At Work

Yes, even with tig old bitties

[Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash]

I don’t need to tell you that being a woman is hard. In case you’re not aware, the big bullet points are the period tax, unequal pay, harassment, cankles, and constantly having to pretend to care about Prince Harry. But being a woman in the workplace is a whole other animal. There is a high chance you won’t be taken seriously, but the good news is that there are steps you can take so that men in your profession see you as a sorta-kinda equal:

Preface everything you say with “I’m sorry”

This is the easiest thing to do because chances are you’re already doing it. No matter what you’re saying, tag an “I’m sorry” right before it. You can also score extra respect points by tagging another “sorry” at the end of your sentence too! Basically, you want to sound as unsure of yourself as possible while still bringing up relevant workplace concerns. For example: “I’m sorry, but I think we were going to maybe use the other solution that we talked about in the last meeting? I might be remembering it wrong, sorry!” It works because you’ve voiced your concerns but the actual decision will rest in a more capable man’s hands, disregarding the fact that he wasn’t paying attention during any of the meetings in the first place.

Be polished, but not too shiny

Basically, you need to be polished and cute enough to be taken seriously and show that you care about your job, but not so good-looking that you look like you’re begging for attention. You want to wear heels because flats signify weakness, but they can’t be too high. You want to carry a purse instead of messenger bag, but you also need to carry your laptop, planner, and a notebook at all times. You want to wear lipstick so you don’t look like a corpse, but you want to methodically analyze the shade before your coworkers get a chance to and the old man who’s not even on your team comments “hey, red lipstick today, huh?”. It’s a fine line to walk; your best bet is to model your fashion choices after any female supporting character in a rom-com, preferably the friend who just can’t get a date.

Show the men that you’re their bro, but also their mommy

You like dirty jokes, drinking booze, and football just as much as Ted from accounting. After you’ve proven yourself several times, Ted and his buds might actually begin listening to what you say in meetings now that you’ve proven that you know Blake Bortles is an actual person and not a Harry Potter character. This is good, but you also don’t want the guys to become too comfortable with you being their bro, because then they truly won’t take you seriously. You need to also show them that you can do mommy duties like always picking up the cake for a coworker’s birthday party and always making sure the office is decorated for holidays and always reminding them when they have a meeting even though they have access to the same fucking calendar that you do. It’s called being well-rounded.

Try to be white since you’re already a woman

Being a woman is enough of a bummer without also being a person of color. That will knock like another twenty cents off the wage disparity and also reduce your chances of being taken seriously and getting promotions by, like, a lot. Close your eyes hard and pray to the Caucasian fairy every night and hope that she taps you on the head and suddenly you’re white and find yourself being a better fit for the culture of the company. Do like a white lady and try to get 77 cents to the white man’s dollar instead of 56.

Get male colleagues to repeat what you said

When all else fails and you’re still not being taken seriously, just get a male colleague to repeat what you said. Sometimes, you can Inception an entire meeting’s worth of decisions if you just offer some simple solutions and the guy across from you says them louder. It also gives you good practice to keep your feelings in check when the guy is later lauded for being a problem solver. This is what the business calls teamwork.

Just be a fucking bitch

Speak up when you’ve got something to say and continue talking when you’re being interrupted (when, not if). Follow up with people who are blowing you off and don’t apologize. Smile, but don’t laugh at jokes that aren’t funny. Be direct when you feel you deserve a raise or a promotion or more responsibilities. Sure, you’ll be known as a ball-busting nut-cracking scrotum-twister, but you’ll be begrudgingly taken seriously. Ugh, goals. #LadyBoss #BossLady #GirlBoss