Communication means give a lot and pro bono
By: Alina Voronenko
Tags: Communication, Relationships, Communication Skills, Personal Relationships, Communications Strategy

Communication would be successful if you are ready to give a lot and pro bono. For example, in any conversation, I’m not afraid to come across and I never turn a blind eye or pretend that I know something if it’s not true. That’s how I give a person the possibility to shine a little if it’s not my specialty. I am ready to be sincere and take the first step to build this mutual sincerity. I don’t hesitate to make a joke and question: “are you sure it’s funny enough?”. And afterwards we could laugh all together. Sometimes I could even say the things I want to keep a secret, even though I can’t be sure that no will reveal it.

I’m always ready to find a compromise in order to achieve the goal of the conversation and also offer different options to solve the problem. This is a story about humanity which sometimes goes beyond the scope of the office work. The story about taking the first step even if I am completely uncomfortable. And in time, another person will take a step towards me. This is also a story about borders that you can’t go beyond so as not to accidentally ruin anything. And about a long-term partnership, not a “one-time” conversation, after which you will disperse.

You can choose simple paths, of course. People always do that. A simple way is to write tasks to a colleague in an email and put his boss in a CC. Embarrassing, yeah. Allegedly, he at least once made you doubt that he would not do this task. A kind of leverage. Easier, right? But what effect afterwards? Is it a long-term partnership? Is it successful?

I try to be “comfortable” for people. I usually reply to messages almost instantly, my letters do not hang unanswered for a long time, and I respond to any request even if it’s not something I have planned. Or perhaps not my responsibility. I can do it this way, hoping that other people will follow my example.

In the briefing I do my best to be clear and convenient for another person to complete it. I should get through to that person to make them understand what I need. After all, it is on my behalf, obviously not on theirs.

I always restrain myself. Not in expressions. I restrain myself at my pace and never rush a person, even when I see that if I were in their shoes, I would build processes differently and optimize them in a different way. This is not my choice and that’s not me. The other person might be comfortable working like this, so let them do it their way. But it’s hard to slow down because you constantly need to adapt to everyone around at all times. Like when you walk along the street with a friend who is slower than you are, you start calculating in your head how much faster you could actually walk. You think how slow the other person is, you start freaking out a little, sometimes grumble, but still slow down. Now, imagine the same situation, but you are walking next to a complete stranger. And rushing forward would mean absence of communication.

The salient point is to be a “comfortable” person. I try to be “comfortable” in communication all the time. To adjust, hold back, open and be supportive. Being “comfortable” means not causing discomfort for your partner in communication. You should create all conditions to feel the other person well. When you give someone a task, they should see how much you appreciate their help. That they are doing something for a common good and getting their own benefits. Then they will be more eager to do that task. Ideally, with a twinkle in their eyes, and in the worst scenario, simply because you asked in a polite and appropriate way. I constantly try to be “comfortable”, searching for this tone of voice and feel the boundaries beyond which it is impossible to go. Sometimes it feels as if I’m walking on the minefield and I can’t realize what will happen next, I will sigh with relief or will be torn to shreds. But I’m confident that when it comes to work I am “comfortable” in 95% of cases. The other 5% depend on either some bad mood issues and total disconnection, or some other circumstances.

Then I come home to my sweetheart. My beloved person is nearby, waiting for me to be “comfortable” for him too. He expects me to do the same thing for him. He expects to see me in the same in a nice shirt or a cute dress and high-heels. With the same attitude as in the office: with a smiling and asking, not demanding. And I come home thinking about how tired I am. Do you understand? Tired of restraining myself, adjusting. I’m tired of this cute dress and my feet are killing. I’m dying to take it all off, then open-up in discussions, speak out, bury my nose in his shoulder and only after then can I be supportive and attentive. It sounds terribly selfish, but it’s true. Because we always think that “our” people should understand us and should accept us as we are: wicked and tired. Sometimes with no make-up on and with our eyes swollen from tears. Depleted, squeezed lemons after a working day. But they don’t have to.

When I come home, I always remind myself that communication is work not only in the office and not only with colleagues and customers. At home it’s also work when it comes to family and friends. They need these compromises and expect you to be comfortable as well. In any situations and cases, under any circumstances. Communication at work and at home is not at all different in its methods. It differs within the boundaries of these methods and in people. And it differs in how we perceive it. Crossing the threshold of the house, I do not remove the mask, no. I never wear a mask at all. I just let myself be exhausted and fatigue and try to follow the simple path, but simple paths never work. The bottom line is everyone prefers it when you are flexible, both in communication and relationships. And only then will it work, when you are ready to give a lot and pro bono. Even on credit. But it will pay off later. That’s how it works in our entire life.