To Find “The One” You Must First Become “The One”
By: James Michael Sama
Tags: Life Lessons, Relationships, Confidence, Love, Dating

We don’t attract what we desire, we attract what we project.

Dating is difficult. There are a lot of people out there who don’t (or can’t) properly communicate, who aren’t looking for real commitment, or who aren’t even sure what a healthy relationship looks like at this point.

Dating apps are frustrating, messages don’t get answered, or someone completely falls off the map after a few days of chatting.

We are in the middle of a global pandemic so going out and meeting random people at events or bars isn’t exactly appealing, nor safe.

So, what then, is the solution?

In order to create different results in our lives we must begin by taking different action. Making different decisions. Approaching the world with a different perspective.

After all, things don’t change if things don’t change.

So I’m going to challenge you to make a shift in your mindset from here on out:

Instead of asking “Who am I looking for?” ask yourself “Who am I working to become?

Single life often comes along with so-called “advice” from friends and family like “just be yourself!” Or “The right person will come along eventually!” And while everyone means well, my bet is you can’t help but feel some frustration. “If that was working, I would’ve found someone already!”

Let me be clear: You should never change who you are for the sake of finding someone. However, we should always be working to improve ourselves on a personal level.

This is how we can position ourselves to attract the right person for us, rather than always trying to pursue them.

The most attractive people are not the ones worrying about how to be attractive. Yes, present yourself well. Yes, dress and speak in ways that communicate your values and identity. But, always trying to fit into a mold to maintain a certain image just for the sake of finding a partner is not sustainable over time. Nor is it natural or genuine.

So, what’s the catch?

The catch is that changing this mindset can often be difficult because it requires uncensored self-reflection. It requires us to look within and be honest with ourselves about what areas of life we want to improve.

Have you been ordering too much takeout during quarantine? Maybe you’ve fallen off your fitness routine since the gyms are closed. Have you halted all social activity, even online? Are you mindlessly scrolling through Netflix every night when you could be listening to an audiobook or podcast?

Have you become lazy? (Ouch).

These questions are never fun nor easy to ask, but that’s why so many people avoid asking them in the first place. And, if we never face the important questions, we’ll never discover the important answers.

What are the things that make you come alive? What are the passions and interests that light you up on every level? How can you contribute to the world around you in ways that make you feel significant and fulfilled? How can you show up in the world as your most authentic self?

To uncover the real answers to these questions, we must be willing to let go of other people’s opinions about them. So often we place a filter of public opinion over our own personal decisions, and it prevents us with being fully honest with ourselves.

The most fulfilled (and therefore attractive) people are the ones living life on their own terms.

The more we become certain about our own path, the more we put in the necessary work to make the best of it. We learn even more, develop even more skills, take even better care of ourselves.

We begin spending time around the people who share our passions, desires, and viewpoints — therefore increasing the chances of finding a partner who is compatible with us, and opportunities that advance us along our journey.

The power of authenticity.

Living a life in full alignment with our identity and purpose helps us to build the confidence needed to express our true self to the world. We stop being so concerned about what other people think and start accepting that we are not everyone’s cup of tea — and that’s actually a good thing. Allowing the wrong people into our lives can cause complications, stress, and drama.

When we stop chasing the wrong people, we give the right ones the opportunity to find us.

Doing the inner work will allow us to shine as a beacon to those who have also walked the same path. They’ll find us as we stop hiding in the shadows of third party perception and begin stepping into the light of our identity and purpose.

This is the path to a happiness that does not rely on a relationship status. The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself — if that one isn’t healthy, none of your others will be.

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