Theme: AWAY ATTENTION
By: Freya Von Bulow
Tags: Diary, Daily Thoughts, Psychology, Focus, Malaria

Diary entry 07.05.2021

Attention.

It’s fascinating.

The attention I want, I don’t get.

The attention I don’t want, I get.

Sod’s law.

What’s up with that?

There is always a reason.

Maybe I don’t realise that the attention I get is the right one and the one I want is not.

Could be the reason.

Why things work out the way they do.

I have to remember that I am always in the right place at the right time.

Doing exactly what I’m supposed to do.

Experiencing exactly what I’m supposed to be experiencing.

Precisely the way it happens.

And all happening in my favour.

I have to always remember that everything happens for a reason.

And relax into it.

Enjoy the experience.

But why do mosquitos always find the spot you forgot to protect?

The spot you didn’t quite manage to reach?

Or forgot?

Clever little buggers.

Survival artists.

And there are an infinite amount of survival artists living here in Ghana.

One of the girls living here with my parents mentioned she probably got malaria.

I asked her how she knows?

She answered that she feels weak and not so well.

Ha, what is a cold in Europe is malaria in Ghana.

And fair enough.

They could hardly have colds there.

Nobody would believe them.

So it’s malaria that represents the permission slip to legit take time off work.

Everyone needs something.

For off-time.

Nothing too inconvenient like a broken leg.

Just something to rest into.

But it’s funny.

The Western World is in a panic and lockdown vice over Covid, in Ghana you can still die of malaria.

But saying you might have malaria is no big deal.

Lol.

Priorities.

Malaria is not contagious. You don’t get it from another person.

However, considering how many mosquitos there are, the result is the same, just through another creature.

How many people are still killed by malaria each year worldwide?

(I will write the number at the end of this entry)

Everything is relative.

Whatever we give our attention to, we give relevance.

Becomes relevant.

Nothing more.

I am thrilled to find out what Covid was the attention holder for?

There must be a reason.

What happened behind the scenes that is not supposed to have our attention?

I wonder.

If we ever find out and how long it will take.

Until brought to our attention.

There is always something else that grabs it.

Something that clamours for our focus.

Constantly.

And when there is a lull, when we are bored, we willingly attach our attention to something.

Anything.

We start worrying about bullshit.

If we are honest 99% of all our attention goes to bullshit.

Why is that?

And what is not bullshit?

What is worth attending to?

What happens if we un-focus completely?

From everything?

Mosquitos are so small.

Yet, they bother us immensely.

Why?

Because we know that when we have an itchy spot on our body, they have previously landed there, penetrated our skin and sucked a mosquito size portion of our blood.

The idea of being penetrated without consent.

Our attention is somewhere else until the itching starts.

Then our attention is held.

Hostage.

On a pesky spot.

Which can drive us crazy.

The worse about it is probably the indignity.

Having been taken advantage of.

By something so small.

Man is not so mighty after all.

Suckerrrrr.

Focussing on that itchy spot between your toes (the spot the world forgot) is negative focus.

However, the fact that the spot itches, is one of Nature’s ingenious miracles.

If I remember correctly, a mosquito cleans up after itself by closing the insertion with a chemical so the host does not die of blood poisoning.

Absolute genius.

Positive focus moment.

So next time you go crazy over a mozzy bite, turn your focus into marvel.

Into wonder.

How Nature could come up with something so clever.

And from there wander (move your focus along) to all the other cool stuff Nature invented.

I wonder how long it will take for the itching to stop once the focus wanders.

(What if we actually ever only stood still and just move within our focus? Like a dreamer in a dream?)

I wonder why it has to itch in the first place if Nature was so clever …?

Why does the itchy spot needs to hold our attention since the mozzy has done it’s job perfectly, moved along and no harm done?

Maybe so we start wondering_wandering?

About Nature.

Occasionally.

Or so that Africa can have its cold too.

I just noticed something bizarre.

(Wandering)

I met this guy on the beach.

And a Jones (previous boyfriend) pattern clearly emerges.

The pattern being

He is much younger He is determined to make me his girlfriend I’m telling him I just want to be his friend and muse (my broken record) He literally lives 2 mins away from my house. We smoke and fuck and watch TV He lives in a room Cute but not my type There is potential status and wealth We’re both bored He’s got no friends because he just moved here 4 months ago

Wtf is this?

Why is this scenario coming up?

Fucking again?

The resemblance is crazy.

Same set up.

Different continent.

Nuts.

Advantages to my previous relationship:

New guy is pretty (albeit skinny) He’s got a decent job He’s not a drunk

“Dear in-house design team, why are we still working on this brief?”

New guy is definitely a better version.

What did I learn with my previous?

When did things go right with him?

It did when I set deadlines.

When I triggered aspirations.

When I was around and a future with me was certain.

But I don’t want to be someone else’s future.

I don’t want to create dependency.

However, am I not also looking for someone, a guy, to be my future?

An enabler?

A team member?

Someone sorted while I’m finding my feet here in Ghana?

Will I not have to be the same to the other within an effective team?

There, in time of need?

With my previous I was.

But he took the piss.

Threw it all away.

To drunkenness.

I couldn’t trust him to not do the same thing again.

Jones’ alcoholism was the breaking point.

It was an insurmountable obstacle.

That’s why I walked away.

In the end.

Away from what felt was my soulmate.

The hope of a Love Supreme future kept me in that relationship for 9 months.

Ignoring the red flags.

Only jumping from white flag to white flag.

(Or green?)

Because also I had nothing better to do.

No other focus.

At the time.

The time was 2020.

But now I have plans.

Moving on.

But … hhhhh …. I also love the attention.

Male attention.

I adore being adored.

But I don’t want to be someone’s sole focus.

Ha, I’m such a hypocrite.

I get peeved when someone I like is not in touch.

Which is because they adore me but I’m not their sole purpose in life.

Lol.

Isn’t that what I want?

Why doesn’t it feel right then?

Curious.

Something is off.

The point is … I get only peeved when I am waiting on the other person.

When I have nothing better to do.

Maybe new guy is something better to do.

With Jones I gave up all my ‘somethings better to do’.

That was the problem.

He became my sole purpose too.

My sole focus.

OMG.

And he might not have wanted it as much as I didn’t want it.

Because of the pressure.

So is the key now is to keep doing something better.

Away attention.

Always.

And have a good time.

And rest the mind.

This is my new sleep.

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