Walking Streets Discriminate Against Lazy People
By: Matthew Pike
Tags: Satire, Comedy, Urban Planning, Cities, Life

The Lazy News doesn’t stand for much, but we’ll always support those who fight for sedentary rights. Mitch Fallow, a loyal reader, suffers from an extreme form of laziness called Doing Impaired, and he says walking streets are an insult to him and others with his condition.

“Walking streets are offensive to lazy people,” Mitch Fallow said, speaking to us through comments on a Pornhub video. “We’re calling on towns and cities around the world to show us some basic human compassion. We shouldn’t have to feel bad about who we are just because we don’t walk. We’re sick and tired of people discriminating against us because we’re lazy.”

“Wheelchair users actually have a legitimate claim here,” said Brenda Bilaws, spokesperson for the Department of Urban Planning. “It was a mistake to use ‘Walking Street’ as the name. People in wheelchairs have valid medical issues, and we as a society need to ensure we don’t discriminate against them — which is why we are consulting with experts and will soon have recommendations for alternative names. But most of what this group — this Doing Impaired group — is claiming is absolute nonsense. They have no medical condition. They’re just lazy. Have you actually taken a look at their wheelchairs? They’re just recliners with wheels on them.”

Some towns have opted to rename their walking streets “Pedestrian Only Areas,” but many users on the Doing Impaired message boards have argued that this simply isn’t good enough. They say the name is still offensive because the word “pedestrian” implies that people are walking.

“I find their concerns to be pedestrian,” said one passerby we interviewed, who then paused for an unusual length of time to cackle at her own joke. “These people are just a bunch of losers who want society to validate their sensitive little souls and bend to their warped notions of what constitutes actual discrimination. These Doing Impaired people just want to be accepted for being useless and annoying. Quite frankly, we’ve got more important problems to solve in our communities — like how to get an IKEA built here.”

For those suffering from Doing Impaired, walking streets are just the first battle in a much larger war. The comments on pornography videos are filled with stories of discrimination against lazy people — stories of friends, family, employers and, worst of all, medical professionals all refusing to acknowledge laziness as a valid excuse.

“I was fired for always being late,” Mitch Fallow said. “I tried to file a wrongful dismissal suit, but the judge refused to accept Doing Impaired as a medical cause — even though he agreed that waking up on time does require a lot of doing. The whole world is run by doers. Until people recognize that we cannot force our minds to think in the active sense, our fight will continue to be fought.”

As automation continues to replace human labor, sedentary rights may very well become the defining civil rights issue of the twenty-first century. Aside from walking streets, there are many other targets for future campaigns against this kind of discrimination, including appointments before noon, crosswalks with buttons, classes where professors refuse to post their class notes online, and people who call instead of sending an email.

Mitch Fallow said significant progress is already being made, both in terms of awareness and validation, but added that the fight will be a long and difficult one. The main issue is that lazy people still need doers who are willing to act on their behalf. “We didn’t choose to be Doing Impaired, but we can choose to let other people do things for us.”

The Lazy News is on the case. Stay tuned.