Be the Person You Wish You Had in Your Life
By: Tess Wheeler
Tags: Life Lessons, Insights, Blue Insights, Family, Psychology

Be the Person You Wish You Had in Your Life

This is my epiphany; perhaps it could be yours, too? A letter to yourself.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Dear Self,

Sleeplessness is never good. It gives your brain time to think about all the things you refuse to think about during the day. It has become your bête noire since the ending of your twenty-year marriage.

Your mind goes to the past. To all your mistakes and foolishness and short-sightedness. You berate yourself for not joining the dots sooner, for the sacrifice of your children’s happy childhoods — that’s the most unforgivable of all. Being honest, you didn’t fully comprehend the unhappiness or the damage. But that is no defense. You should have comprehended. You are their mother; it was your job to understand.

And yet. You gather yourself up and thank your lucky stars that they still love you and have forgiven you. Or seem to have.

And not being able to alter the past, you try to move on. Perhaps you’ve shed enough tears. Leave it behind in the shadows.

But leaving the past is difficult. It has made you what you are and brought you to where you are today. Sitting here at 4 am, tired, not rested, coffee by your side and hunched in your dressing gown. Alone.

Alone again.

There’s an inevitability about that. When you look back, you realise you’ve always spent too much time alone in your own head — right from childhood, through the teenage years, and adulthood. Not fitting in, not finding your niche. Casting around for something and believing — or hoping — you’d found it.

Some people do — find it, that is. That real and lifelong love and affinity with one person.

Not you. And you won’t try again. Can’t afford, can’t survive, can’t face another failed relationship.

The third phase is here. You have washed up on the shores of middle age. This is the beginning of the last phase, probably.

And really it’s up to you now. What happens for the final third is up to you. You can live mired in the past. Regrets. Reproaches. Sadness. Or you can choose — yes, choose — to go into it with a lighter heart. The major work of life is done, in a way. You’ve made the cake and only the icing remains to be added. It’s all about your choices now.

You can sink slowly into old age. How sad.

Or you can embrace something new. And love the people you have to your utmost while being true to what’s inside you.

And part of that is realizing — really realizing — that you can’t take responsibility for, or control, what other people feel.

They have also made their choices, taken their own actions, written their own narrative, shaped themselves. And they hold equal responsibility for where they are now.

Their unhappiness is awful. You feel you’ve caused it.

Yet your actions were a reaction to their repeated actions. Of many years.

So this, in a way, is your time. The upheaval was sudden and brutal when it came.

2020 has been a sudden and brutal kind of year. You hate it. We all hate it. It will pass into the history books as tragic and surreal. You are not suffering alone. It’s not precisely the same for anyone; your story is not her story. But many millions of us are feeling it.

So take stock of where you are. You’re comparatively fortunate. And now it comes down to choice.

You can choose how it unfolds. There are big changes ahead. Bigger even than the ones you’ve just lived through. Your heart is wrapped up in and vulnerable to the unpredictability of life. For your parents. For your children.

You know you’re going to spend many, many hours on your own. But will they be happy or sad? Filled or wasted? Choose. You get to decide. It’s in your hands. Even if it should all stop next week or next month.

The mistakes you’ve made are history now. But they’re acknowledged and faced up to. Four children, loved and still loving. Hold onto that. That’s a lot.

The big unfulfilled would be writing. Your clock is ticking down. Life is short and fragile — 2020 has reminded you of that in so many ways. When you’re 19, life seems long and full of promise. When you’re 53, you’ve made a lot of mistakes, but learned a lot. A lot.

Project your mind forward to 85. It’s a long way off and it’s the blink of an eye. But more than ever, being alone, you have time. You have knowledge. You have perspective. And you have longing.

Increase your ability, your industry, your productiveness.

Make it matter. Make it worth it. And enjoy it as much as you can.

You have acknowledged your mistakes, accepted your responsibility. Now abandon your guilt and look forward. Open your heart. Be honest. Love. Help. Accept.

Be the person you wish you had in your life.

That is the epiphany.

Be the person you wish you had in your life.

For yourself. For others.

You can be strong. Loving. Warm. Listening. Supportive. Happy. Creative. Inspiring. Calm. Fun. Forgiving. Vibrant.

You don’t have that person. So become that person.

And then you won’t be lonely or searching. You’ll have those things you want within you every day.

You make your own reality every day.

You make your own reality every day.

Take some deep breaths.

Step into it. Step in.

This is my insight and I gift it to you. Be the person you wish you had in your life.

Start now.

With love -x-