I Don’t Need a Man, but I Want One
By: Pamela O'Leary
Tags: Empowerment, Marriage, Women Empowerment, Egg Freezing, Millennials

Yes, I am an ambitious career woman

Fourteen hours ago, I had my second round of egg retrieval surgery for the egg freezing process. You can catch up on adventures from my first round here. So yes, at this moment, there are still an exorbitant amounts of hormones flowing through me, and yes, probably still some remnants of anesthesia drugs. But I’ve felt this way for a long time, way before the hormones overtook my mind and body.

I am 35 years old and single. For over seven years now, I have pretty much been single after ending a seven year love affair with my college sweetheart, whom at one point I had seriously hoped to marry. We came close. Today, I am glad we didn’t go down that path. I wrote a letter to alumnae at our alma mater about how they don’t need to find their life partner during college.

Most of my closest girlfriends who are my same age, especially those living on the East Coast, are married, many own homes, and now have their second child. I am so happy for them and deeply appreciate being an aunt to those kids. Up until the past two years or so, I was deeply jealous of them. I compared myself to them and felt like I was a failure, that I had missed the one way flight to the life trajectory for the American Dream. Today, I am so grateful for the many adventures and hard life lessons I have learned from taking that path less traveled from many of my female peers.

As I mentioned in previous posts, I do not know if I want children someday or ever. I absolutely do know I want to get married or at least make a serious life commitment to a partner.

Ironically, for many years my ex would always tell me, “You need me. You don’t want me.” Then, I resented him so much for those cruel words. Today, I’ve done enough personal development to really accept that he was right. For years, I depended on him for all forms of external validation. I desperately looked to him to make me feel pretty, smart, funny, fun, etc. That’s not true love. After almost eight years of extremely hard work, thank God, I have finally learned how to do these things for myself and actually love myself. My dream is to write a book about this painful yet productive journey.

Diana of Wonder Woman said it best, “…when it comes to procreation, men are essential, but for pleasure, not necessary.” Yes, someday if I decide to take these frozen eggs off ice, I will technically need some sperm to make them a baby. But moreover, I would want them to have an involved father co-parenting equally with me along the way.

“Sorry I don’t have a dick, but I do love you,” said one of my best friends as she helped me clean up at the end of my annual massive New Year’s celebration. She has always been there for me, to clean up at the end of a fabulous party, to hold my hand as I had a breast biopsy, and today to drive me home after my egg retrieval surgery. Her and so many of my other beautiful girlfriends truly do unconditionally love me. I even spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s with them.

Sure, living in the extremely expensive Bay Area, it would be lovely to have a partner to cohabitate with and save money. But I am basically doing that now renting with a female bestie from college. We’re roommates and very happily live together. Our communication is rock solid, and I truly hope someday to have a male partner with whom I can so easily and joyfully live with like her.

I don’t need a man for money. Thankfully, I have worked very hard and am proud to say that my income is in the 98 percentile when compared to my age and gender. I am fine with being the bread winner. However, even as I explored dating with very progressive men who made much less than me, my higher income made them insecure.

Seven months ago, my father unexpectedly passed quickly due to a rare form of cancer. I had always thought that by the time this happened, I would have a husband by my side to help me survive my father’s death. Yes, it probably would have helped if I had sex to give me endorphins during this tragic time. But ultimately, only after only about a year sober from alcohol at the beginning of his cancer diagnosis, by the grace of God and good friends (predominantly girlfriends), I survived and stayed sober. My best friend from high school, with an infant second child, didn’t even make me ask her to come to the funeral. She immediately told me she was coming, and drove eight hours one way. During my eulogy, I publicly thanked her for standing by my side at my most difficult hour, in the ways I always had hoped a husband would.

Just yesterday, one my closest heterosexual cisgender male friends kindly told me, “With all your travels and demanding career, you’re putting off this unavailable vibe that’s preventing you from getting the love you so want.” It hurt, but I am so glad he told me this. He’s kind of right. I do need to make more space in my life for a partner and prioritize it.

In summary, all my above explanations have basically established the many ways I don’t need a man at all for my happiness or success. So besides having sex and sperm, why do I want one?

I have traveled to over 40 countries, many solo. As I recently celebrated a milestone birthday, I seriously contemplated taking myself on a solomoon, a honeymoon alone to my dream destination of the overwater bungalows in Bora Bora. Instead, I opted out for a birthday weekend of fun with beloved friends locally. It was the perfect decision. As I age, I am now certain that it’s not where you are, but who you are with that makes all the world of a difference. People, not places or things, bring you true joy and fulfillment.

Above all, I want a man in my life to share and create my life’s adventures with. I want to fuck my best friend. I want someone to potentially raise children with.

My vision of love is that independently, we are each incredible forces of good for the world. But through our combined powers, we can change the world together in an epic way we couldn’t on our own. Whether or not we have children, our partnership will create a lasting legacy on a world that was made better by our love.

I want someone who will forever challenge and also support me to be an ever evolving version of my best self. I want a partner who is strong enough and open to accepting my support for him to do the same. I want someone to pray with and to play with!

So if you are one or know of any monogamous, heterosexual, cisgender, egalitarian, and highly emotionally intelligent men who desire a strong woman, please send him my way! Until then (or even if that never happens), I’ll keep living my best life with my predominantly female besties by my side.

Originally posted September 27, 2019