Transphobia in the Dating Scene
By: Gloria Bates
Tags: Gender Equality, Transgender, LGBTQ, Dating, Prejudice

The following is a response to this study, as reported by them.us, which is about transphobia in the dating scene. Here are some interesting findings:

“ Only 1.8% of straight women and 3.3% of straight men chose a trans person of either binary gender. But most non-heterosexuals weren’t down for dating a trans person either, with only 11.5% of gay men and 29% of lesbians being trans-inclusive in their dating preferences. Bisexual/queer/nonbinary participants (these were all combined into one group) were most open to having a trans partner, but even among them, almost half (48%) did not select either ‘trans man’ or ‘trans woman.’ ”

My primal response was to declare “NOT ALL CIS PEOPLE!!” and prop up my partner as a human shield against any accusations of transphobia in my personal life.

I’d hate me if I ever did that. It takes a lot of ego to center yourself on a perceived insult while trans women are still being killed. As a cisgender person who’s done a decent amount of work considering interactions between society and sexual attractions, I’ll try to unpack the study.

The way labels ought to work, in my opinion, is that you,

Take a look at who you’ve been attracted to;

Find an approximate word for it, and;

Go on about your business.

If you’ve been attracted to men, you like men. If you’ve been attracted to women, you like women. If you like someone genderfluid, you like what you like. Different strokes for different folks.

A lot of the transphobic violence witnessed in this study stems from people choosing a label first, then trying to cut who they’re attracted to down to size. I witnessed this firsthand in high school. Straight-identifying people panicked after being attracted to someone of the same gender. They would lash out at the person in some misguided effort to stabilize the threat to their identity. Somehow a queer person had deceived them for simply being attractive...for simply being.

There are plenty of trans people that cis people find attractive.

Attractiveness knows no gender identity. If you’re hot, you’re hot. However, many cis people find the questions about genitals a threat to their own identity.

It shouldn’t be, because you like what you like. If you’ve been attracted to a trans woman, then you obviously like trans women. There’s no point in trying to deny it, and furthermore, blaming the trans woman for your attraction is at best, pathetic, and at worst, abusive.

I’d like to turn to transphobia on the dating scene.

Many cis folks — most who haven’t actually done the work to examine their motivations and only have opinions they feel entitled to share — take issue with the idea that rejecting trans folks on a general, not individual basis, is inherently transphobic. So, I’ll use a metaphor.

Let’s say I’m in a club dancing with a white supremacist. I pass as white, but have a black grandfather. For whatever reason, he can’t tell that I’m part black. He’s not a guy who generally has only ever been attracted to white people, but has nothing against those of other shades. Rather, he believes that black people are inherently unattractive and hasn’t ever considered the possibility that his personal attractions — which he cannot control — may not line up with his ideology. He also hasn’t disclosed any anti-Black sentiments during our time together.

He has sex with me.

The next morning, he realizes that I’m part Black and gets angry with me. I apparently have deceived him.

It’s clear to most people that he’s an idiot. Obviously, he’s attracted to at least one black person; whether that challenges his ideology concerning race and attraction is his issue. There’s no reason that I should assume all potential partners are white supremacists and disclose my blackness as a sort of dirty secret. Whether he could tell I was black or not is also not my concern. He was attracted to me so he had sex with me. What that means for his identity has nothing to do with me.

The same rhetoric applies to trans folks.

There’s no reason they need to disclose their genital status, or their assigned sex at birth. If you’re attracted to them, and have sex with them, whatever threat to your sexual identity is your issue, and yours alone. You shouldn’t be constructing labels and trying to make life fit inside them. Labels are just estimates; real life is happening outside of that.

I’m not saying that anybody has to sleep with trans people.

To be quite frank, if you don’t like trans folks, what makes you think they’d want to sleep with you? What I am saying is that your motivations can be rooted in prejudice, especially if you dismiss people en masse rather than on an individual basis. Other than being hurtful — which is your right, admittedly — it’s also holding you back from the variety of humanity that you could possibly experience, if you weren’t so hung up on labels.

– Gloria Bates

P.S. I’ll be tagging any responses to the study, written by trans writers on the publication, here: