DEPTH OF A WOMAN: HER HEALING SOUL
By: Karen Czuleger Strgacich
Tags: Single Motherhood, Divorce, Parenthood, Parenting Advice, Parenting

So, how do we heal after divorce? How do we realign with our soul? How far do we dig until we find the soul of the women that we are? The soul of the mothers that we are? The soul of the caregivers that we are? The soul of the breadwinners that we are? And when we find it, what do we do with the secrets that are revealed to us? I think about the concept of aligning with our soul. I compare that to the alignment on a car. If a car is out of alignment it is also out of balance. So, if we are out of alignment with our soul, we are out of balance with our soul as well. I know many people that suffer depression. I have been depressed due to circumstances like hello… Divorce? But I have never suffered from clinical depression. Someone close to me said that she feels like she is out of alignment with her soul when she is depressed. I thought that was a profound way to express how depression feels. You are out of balance. You no longer see your world with any equilibrium. And yes, I have felt that before, many times. But how I find my way to back to balance is through a deep dive to regain the essence of my soul. And that usually takes me back to the roots of my life. The voice in my head has never really grown up. It’s the same voice that has been talking to me forever. It has no age. It has no dimensions. It is the voice of my soul. Take time for your own deep dive and allow the voice in your head, the voice in your soul to offer you the comfort you need. The little girl you once were, the adolescent you once were, the daughter, the mother, even the wife you once were. All these seasons of your soul are there to speak to you and guide you and give you the warmth and support that sometimes feels a million miles away. But it’s not. It right there inside of you, waiting with open arms to greet you and welcome you back to yourself. Find a quiet place. Sit in silent stillness in your room before going to sleep, or in your car while you wait to pick up your child from school. If you are lucky and can take a field trip, go sit by the ocean in stillness. Sit by a lake or under a tree in a park, take deep cleansing breaths in and slowly breathe all the way out letting your shoulders drop to calmness. In your mind’s eye, visit with your oneness and the spirit of your soul. Breath.

Believe it or not, I’d love to go to the moon.

Annie Easley

African American NASA computer scientist, mathematician, and rocket scientist

Imagine someone like Annie Easley who was born in 1933 at a time in the world that society had already defined the roles of women. I love her because she had to go deep inside herself and push through obstacles to manifest her truth. She was wicked smart and was not about to hide it. So, her soul said, “I’d love to go to the moon!” And though this didn’t mean she hopped in a rocket and flew northbound, it meant she had a purpose that was deeper than anything society was telling her at that time. She was going to make a difference. She was going to build that darn rocket! And I am sure, it wasn’t easy on any day! We all have that ability to make a difference. We can get down on ourselves after a divorce. Makes sense, right? But we can also build ourselves up and put ourselves back together and keep the ship afloat because we have a most profound responsibility. That is, as parent. And most daunting of all, a single parent. But what about the fact that we are also dealing with a broken heart? Our hearts and souls are linked like cookies and milk. Or, in my world a beautiful glass of Pinot Grigio and a cheeseboard! The two just blissfully go together! When you experience a broken heart, you experience a broken soul as well. That’s when I go deep. I push past the fractured heart that stands in front of me like a cracked brick wall. I push through it to find my soul again. I need to know my soul like I need to know love. Like the food or water, we require to survive. We may not have the love of our husbands any longer. But we sure as heck have the love of our own soul and no one is given permission to access that sacred place. So, find that essence in you. It won’t happen overnight, and it will take faith that it is there for you to enter. Don’t let the actions of someone like an ex-husband steal your identity altogether. You can give up the label you once had called, Mrs. But you don’t have to give up a single ounce more! Dare to dream beyond what you think you deserve as a result of a divorce and dare to imagine that which is in your heart. It is all yours for the taking!

“We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already;

We have the power to imagine better.”

J.K. Rowling

How will you make a difference? When I first became divorced and the shock of what happened to me and my children started to soften, I started to feel angry. It was an anger that was not so much directed against my husband who left us for another woman. It was a kind of righteous anger I felt. I was going to get off the roller coaster that he had created and calm things down. I was going to step in and take care of the family he no longer wanted. The first thing I did was go to a photographer and get a family picture taken. It was my statement to myself that we were “the family” now. We were the three amigos. My son was 4 years old and my daughter was 8 weeks old when we had the portrait taken. That picture has hung in my bedroom for 20 years now. And to this day it remains my north star. It is the reason I get up every day. It is the reminder that I am more than just myself. As the years have gone by and my two little chicks in the photo are now in their twenties, I see it as somewhat of a symbol. I am sitting on the floor and my baby girl is in my arms and all is well in her world and she is loved. My son is standing behind me with his little arms around my neck and tucked close to my head, almost whispering in my ear, “I got your back Mama”. And he always has. We have all had each other’s backs for the past 20 years. And we are a family. We are a good family. For any love that had been taken away from us by a fleeing husband and an absent father, we make up for it all in spades. And there is no thing or no person that will ever steal that from us. As we grow and gain new relationships and become the people we were meant to be, the soul of our family will remain intact and we will accept all the goodness coming our way that we deserve! And so, will you! As Dory the Fish would say, “Just Keep Swimming!”

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”

Albert Einstein

And what it is I have really learned on this journey over the past 20 years that may mean something to you? Well, the road to learning for me has been long and at times rocky. So, what is it I have learned? The first thing I have learned is that I am enough. I always was. The thing is, I just wasn’t enough for him. I wasn’t the homemaker he wanted. I wasn’t the Rhodes Scholar he wanted. I wasn’t the athlete he wanted. I wasn’t many things to him. But what I learned the most is that it was not my responsibility to be any of those things to him. These were his issues. Not mine. And I was enough. He was just too selfish to see it. There are days I wonder if he ever regretted leaving his family. Leaving his children only to be a Disneyland Dad. Did he ever sit in the quietness of his own soul and question anything he did? Did he ever sit in the stillness of his heart and regret hurting us so much? Did he ever stop long enough to ask himself if she was worth it? He has been with her now for as long as he has been without us. Did he improve his life? Or did he just get himself into something that he couldn’t get out of? All these questions still bubble through me every so often. When my son graduated from Berkeley, I was so proud. He did it! And I do mean, he did it! My daughter and ex-husband missed the main school graduation that was held in the university stadium. He graduated with a degree in Political Science. That graduation would be held the following day in smaller stadium which my ex-husband would be attending. But this was the main university ceremony that had all graduates marching to pomp and circumstance. I was sitting in this vast stadium all by myself. I was surrounded by families holding balloons and leis and flowers and cheering their sons or daughters on as they marched in with smiling faces that illuminated enough energy to light the stadium. But I was alone. I looked around the stadium and oddly felt a sense of peace that completely overwhelmed me emotionally. It was okay though. Every parent there was crying tears of joy for their child and probably tears of joy that they were not faced with any more tuition payments! I know I was! I was overwhelmed with emotion because I had kept my promise to him. I never left him as I promised. I loved him all the way to a degree from Berkeley. He earned the degree and worked hard to achieve Summa Cum Laude. But I earned a Summa and a Magne Cum Laude as the best single parent I knew how to be. And in that moment; in my moment… I cheered myself on too. When we had our son and we sat at our dining room table and planned for his college tuition decades earlier, I never would have thought I would be sitting in the college stadium alone without the guy who sat with me at the dining room table. But when I look back now, it was my moment to have alone. And I am proud of myself for helping this extraordinary little boy who in that picture put his arms around my neck and placed his head next to mine and it brought it all full circle. My daughter is next, and I fully expect to experience all the same emotions when she graduates. The difference will be that my son will be next to me cheering her on and the family we have always been will have remained intact and the three amigos will ride again!

“My doctors told me I would never walk again. My mother told me I would. I believed my mother.” Wilma Rudolph, Olympian

So, as you take that voyage deep into your soul, remember the tapestry of experiences that made you long before you knew the word divorce even existed. As I mentioned earlier, you are the architect to the blueprint project called, “your children”. And this responsibility is paramount. There is nothing fair about being a single parent. And no doubt it is a lonely walk. So much of the energy we put out in the world is given to everyone and everything except to ourselves. Of course, our children take a front seat. They must. As Jacky Kennedy once said, “If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do, matters very much.” But you also have a responsibility to care for yourself and to nourish your soul. If you show that side of yourself to your children, they too will learn what it is to love themselves. You cannot show your children how to believe in themselves if you don’t take the necessary steps to be your own biggest cheerleader. And the best way to start is to get still. Be calm. Go deep. Remember who you are. You are anyone you want to be. You are the woman you imagine yourself to be. Listen to the true you, the voice inside. Breathe. And find the soul that you have longed to be reacquainted with.

Namaste.