A Review: Ariana Grande’s song “34+35”
By: Christopher Hoina
Tags: Song, Music, Pop Culture, Review, Lyrics

You might think I’m crazy

The way I’ve been cravin’

If I put it quite plainly’

Just gimme them babies

This makes no sense in the context of the previous lyrics and the fact that the song is built atop a sexual act where insemination is highly unlikely, this seems unnecessary and out of place. Also, how would somebody give you (presumably a woman in this story) babies? Seems like you’d want to receive gametes.

Maybe it should read, “Just gimme them gametes.” Plus if you did that you could rhyme it with bambi and then make some reference to how newborn fawns have shaky/legs; I don’t know though. The reference to gametes and babies here are equally absurd so I guess you could go either way.

I can already tell this song has been sponsored by Outback Steakhouse (i.e. No Rules just Right)

So what you doing tonight?

Alternate lyric, “What are you doing tonight?” This actually works nicely with the beat. And it’s grammatically correct. Give it a listen next time.

Better say, “Doin’ you right” (Yeah)

Watchin’ movies, but we ain’t seen a thing tonight (Yeah)

Is this “seen” or is it “seeing”? But wait, didn’t you just say in [literally] the last verse that you wanted to “be done”? So, which is it? Is it 34+35 or is it Netflix and chill? Very confusing; lots of mixed signals.

[Pre-Chorus]

I don’t wanna keep you up (You up)

But show me, can you keep it up? (It up)

On the face I think this seems like clever wordplay, but it's actually quite contradictory. We begin with a literal meaning of keeping somebody up. And then we follow this up with a figurative (euphemism) for wanting to keep something up. If you dissect it, its confounding. It would be nice to retain the wordplay but stay within the confines of a literal or a figurative meaning — but not both.

’Cause then I’ll have to keep you up

Shit, maybe I’ma keep you up, boy

I’ve been drinking coffee (I’ve been drinking coffee; coffee)

And I’ve been eating healthy (I’ve been eating healthy; healthy)

I like portions of this. But this narrator is so indecisive. I do appreciate that they are well-caffeinated and well-fed. But why stop there? Given the song, we should be talking about oral hygiene. The word flossin’ would have been great here. Like, “I been flossin’ for ya.”

You know I keep it squeaky, yeah (You know I keep it squeaky)

No. On no level does this work. I’m offended that this is even a lyric. I just think “rubber ducky” when I hear this. It ranks up there with that transition in the recent Maroon 5 song, “Payphone.” You can hear it at about the :46 second mark (or around the 1:24 mark in this music video):

The intent is “love…..but”, but it just sounds like “lovebutt”. Once you hear it, you cannot unhear it. This song will forever be ruined for me.

Saving up my energy (Yeah, yeah, saving up my energy) [Chorus]

Can you stay up all night?

F*** me ’til the daylight

Thirty-four, thirty-five (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

Can you stay up all night? (All night)

F*** mе ’til the daylight

Thirty-four, thirty-five (Yeah, yеah, yeah, yeah) [Verse 2]

You drink it just like water (Water)

You say it tastes like candy

Assuming we’re referring to what I think we are referring to, is this “thing” a liquid or a solid? I’m confused, can we keep the imagery to one state (of matter)?

So what you doing tonight? (Tonight)

The presumption is that the act is already occurring. So…why would we be asking what this person is doing tonight? I mean, if this was a court transcript or some other official document it would be so confusing.

Better say, “Doin’ you right” (Alright)

Watchin’ movies, but we ain’t seen a thing tonight (Yeah) [Pre-Chorus]

I don’t wanna keep you up (You up)

But show me, can you keep it up? (It up)

’Cause then I’ll have to keep you up

S***, maybe I’ma keep you up, boy

I’ve been drinking coffee (Said I’ve been drinking coffee; coffee)

And I’ve been eating healthy (And I’ve been eating healthy; healthy)

You know I keep it squeaky, yeah (Except this wine, babe)

Saving up my energy (Yeah, yeah, yeah) [Chorus]

Can you stay up all night? (All night)

F*** me ’til the daylight (Daylight)

Leaving nothing to the imagination here. There are moments in this song where there is some clever wordplay. But we switch so abruptly between subtle and explicit that I don’t know how to take it. Who is the audience here? This feels like what writers do in the animated Disney films. You know, where the writers try to insert subtle adult jokes to keep parents engaged (so they don’t begin questioning their life decisions in the middle of act two) as the sit alongside their small children.

Thirty-four, thirty-five (Thirty-five; yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

Can you stay up all night? (Can you stay?)

F*** me ’til the daylight (Can you stay?)

Thirty-four, thirty-five (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah) [Verse 3]

Oh yeah, yeah

Baby, you might need a seatbelt when I ride it

I’ma leave it open like a door, come inside it

This is great. I mean, the seatbelt reference makes no sense at all. It’s just not an intuitive association. But assuming it was, that next line is just great. It is somewhat nasty, but it flows really well, and it connects well with that first line. But then we just drop off the cliff onto another unassociated cliché.

Actually…wait. I just read this again. Nope, this doesn’t make sense. She is riding “it”, but she is recommending he wear a seatbelt. I feel like in this scenario, she’d need the seat belt since she is doing the riding and he would be the vehicle. It makes no sense for why a vehicle would need to be wearing a seatbelt. But then in the next line she is saying she’ll leave “it” open. Is she a vehicle too?

So, is this song about Autobots? IS there some sort of underground transformers fetish or subreddit that I’m unaware of? So, this is a bummer. Even this doesn’t make any sense.

Even though I’m wifey, you can hit it like a side chick

Don’t need no side d***, no

Got the neighbors yellin’ “Earthquake!” (Earthquake)

4.5 when I make the bed shake

I had to fact check this. I was curious about the Richter Scale. If in fact Wikipedia is correct, then an earthquake with a magnitude of 4.5 would fall somewhere between a small atomic bomb and the Nagasaki atomic bomb. I don’t think the neighbors would be screaming anything since they would be vaporized.

I know this is hyperbole, but just referencing the earthquake would have been sufficient. I think adding in the 4.5 is too far. I think “4.5” was chosen because it shares similar sounds to “34” and “35”, which is used throughout the song. There’s also so much better stuff. You could have referenced “tremor” or used the word “fault line.” And fault line opens the door to so many possibilities:

Fault line > all night (internal rhyme)

Fault line > no fault of mine

Or end the line with “fault” let it drop and then pick up on “line” with the next corresponding beat/verse

Put it down heavy even though it’s lightweight (It’s lightweight, yeah, yeah, yeah, babe)

Yeah, we started at midnight

Go ’til the sunrise (Sunrise)

Done at the same time (Yeah)

But who’s counting the time when we got it for life? (Got it for life)[CH12]

This section is exhausting. It’s like the writing crew said, “okay guys we’ve got another 20–40 seconds to fill in before we get to the final chorus and fade out…. what you got??” “Put it down heavy even though it’s lightweight.” Argh, my entire body just did an eye roll.

“But who’s counting the time when we got it for life?” Are you kidding me here? What does that even mean? Do you really have eternity? I mean come on. This is absurd and an assault on our intelligence.

I know all your favorite spots (Favorite spots)

We can take it from the top (From the top)

You such a dream come true, true

Make a bitch wanna hit snooze, ooh

I do like this. I would give it a solid 82%. I don’t know why a woman would refer to herself as a “bitch” in this context. I could see if you were referring to yourself as a “bad bitch”, that’s kind of endearing. But this is still silly.

[Chorus]

Can you stay up all night?

F*** me ’til the daylight (Yeah, yeah)

Thirty-four, thirty-five (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

(Thirty-four, thirty-five)

Can you stay up all night? (Do you know what that means?)

F*** me ’til the daylight (Do you know what that means?)

Thirty-four, thirty-five (Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Oh my god, shoot me now. This just feels like a TI-84 calculator is writing this song now.

[Outro]

Means I wanna “69” with you

No s***

Math class

Never was good

[Morgan Freeman narration] “And that was the moment she realized that the audience was too stupid to figure this song out on their own; it had to be spelled out for them.”

This filler is so unnecessary. But I guess 92% of this song is as well.

I give this song a solid: 51%