The Emotional Response to Assessing Our Lives
Tags: Gratitude, Self, Progress, Goals, Life Lessons

It comes from the unhelpful comparisons I make with my vision for where I should be or where I want to be, with where I think I am. It comes from unhelpful comparisons made with others. Rather than choosing to be contented with who I am, what I have or what I’ve achieved, I set benchmarks that are unrealistic or irrelevant to me.

For example, I’ll compare my achievements in the gym to those of my trainer, resenting that they find it easy to remain super-motivated, committed to the cause and living as examples of the lifestyle that they promote. Instead of recognising my own progress and commending my efforts and consistency and my steadily improving fitness, I’ll seek out those who’re doing better than me, and then beat myself up for not measuring up to them.

It strips me of the belief that I’ve achieved anything worthwhile, even when I know I have.

In my writing, I’ll lament the modest engagement that my articles receive compared to the thousands of likes and numerous comments that more established writers receive. Instead of feeling accomplished for having built a small monthly income from my writing, I’ll feel despondent that I’m not making as much as ‘the others’.

Rather than remembering the warm glow that comes when someone reaches out to thank me for something that I’ve written that helped them out, I fixate upon the number of views and followers that aren’t growing as fast as I’d like.

Is it constraining to be satisfied?

I’m aware of this streak in myself and acknowledge it as a failing, a weakness. It’s the fear of missing out, fear that if I admit that I’m satisfied and contented with my lot, then I might just be settling for too little.

I think that’s what concerns me the most. It’s the selective blurring of different pieces of accepted wisdom and interpreting them to suit my own skewed agenda.

On the one hand I’m told to set myself audacious and stretching goals, and to work towards them relentlessly.

On the other, I’m advised to feel grateful for the micro-steps that represent progress, appreciating what I’ve achieved and committing to work at things for the long-term.

Is there not a danger that if I content myself with the small steps of progress, that I’ll lose my resolve for aiming high?

The logical answer, is of course not. Being appreciative for the smaller achievements is to embody the spirit of gratitude. It doesn’t mean settling merely for what I’ve got, but it’s a means of grounding myself in the reality that significant progress takes a long time to achieve.

When I’m viewing the world through a lens of deprivation, despondency and difficulty, I see only the gaps and the scarcity in my life rather than all the ways in which my needs are taken care of.

It’s a mindset that’s akin to lamenting the way that things used to be, back in the good old days, rather than recognising that things evolve and that we are constantly moving forwards and changing.

It comes from failing to appreciate that through hedonic adaptation we’re programmed such that over time shiny, new things lose their lustre and fade into insignificance in just the same way that catastrophes and losses fade away so as not to seem so bad when we look back.

The past seems easier when looked upon with rose-tinted glasses. The achievements that seemed important a few weeks ago now look trivial and unimportant.