The INTJ’s Guide To Crying — A Logical Approach
By: The Millennial'S Mantra
Tags: Intj, Introvert, Authenticity, Emotions, Life

INTJ and cry in the same sentence? Preposterous! Absurd! Nonsensical!

Heightened emotions, for the INTJ are uncomfortable, embarrassing, a sign of low emotional intelligence, a sign of weakness even.

I know because I am an INTJ woman. A unicorn, you could say. As “The Mastermind” of all the Myers Briggs personality styles, we pride ourselves in strength, poise, and intelligence.

When the emotional center of the INTJ brain was created, it was encased in steel and lined with razor wire. Then, just in case one of those pesky emotions slipped through, our tear ducts were covered in impenetrable concrete.

In a study conducted by Biochemist William H. Frey, PhD, he concluded that the average woman cries 5.3 times per month and the average man, 1.3 times.

Me? Not even close! I’m guessing many of you INTJ’s can say the same.

So, let’s dig in and uncover the truth behind those elusive INTJ tears once and for all!

My Emotions Are Different Than Yours!

“I have emotions! They are just different than yours”, I once said to a former flame.

He responded angrily, “Yeah! You’re right! I actually SHOW mine!”

Sometimes, we INTJ’s are SO good at managing our emotions that those around us think we are emotionless voids.

A coworker once told me about a movie that made her cry, insisting that anyone who watched it would most definitely shed tears. I had watched the movie. But let’s face it, even if I had the inkling I would have swiftly put that nonsense back where it belonged, down in the dark corner where all my other unexpressed emotions live. I proudly responded that I did not cry, to which she said,

“Yeah, but you don’t feel love like most people.”

Ouch.

She was wrong, of course. As many INTJ’s do, I love fiercely and loyally. I might even argue (alright, of COURSE I would argue) that I love more deeply than most. It goes without saying that I experience the same emotions anyone else does.

I just don’t let you see them.

INTJ’s get so accustomed to being a fortress of strength that we often neglect or outright deny ourselves the innate need to sometimes just……let it all out.

Science Says Crying Is Good For Your Health

Sorry, INTJ’s but you may actually be doing yourself harm by refusing to shed a tear now and then.

Scientists (who were probably INTJ’s, too) devised an experiment to prove this. One collection of tears was a result of natural tear release (i.e. slicing an onion) and the other collection a result of emotional response (i.e. watching a sad movie.)

The results were eye-opening! (Pun intended.) They discovered that the sad movie (emotional) tears contained several chemicals that the onion slicing (natural) tears did not: prolactin, adrenocorticotropic hormones, leucine-enkephalin. Since the latter two are stress hormones, it was concluded that the periodic release of these hormones may have a positive effect on human health and general wellness.

Stress relief.

Makes perfect sense, right? If we could choose between storing these stress hormones while possibly allowing them to wreak some havoc on our health or spending a few minutes releasing them and feeling much better, most of us would choose the latter.

If only it were that easy, right INTJ’s?

Crying Is Good For Your Relationships

This one has been intensely difficult for me. Sometimes, I just CANNOT cry even when I want to.

As I’ve gotten a few years older (and hopefully, wiser) though, I have realized that vulnerability is critical to human relationships. And crying certainly shows vulnerability. You still won’t find me crying on the job, but being vulnerable with my partner and others closest to me shows my willingness to be open with them.

“We can’t know things like love and belonging and creativity and joy without vulnerability.” Brené Brown

For most, fear of being vulnerable is tied to a fear of rejection. But for INTJ’s, it is just a level of exposure we aren’t comfortable with. It isn’t so much the fear of rejection, but the fear of perceived weakness. It feels like the dog showing its belly. Submission….weakness.

But hold up, though. Crying is an expression of true emotion and it is important that we show our true selves to those we love. It isn’t just important for them, but for us, too.

The comfort of being able to be yourself and express your true feelings is arguably the best feeling in the world!

Confession time: My dear folks, I was in my THIRTIES before I ugly cried in front of a significant other! It feels good to put that out there and even better to say I finally jumped that hurdle.

“Whew. I just had an ugly cry…snot…hyperventilation…irrational words and all and he STILL LOVES ME?”

Those were my very thoughts after allowing the tear dam to burst in front of my partner for the first time. As a matter of fact, he assured me the next morning that he felt even closer to me after witnessing my tears.

Talk about sweet relief.

But even after testing the waters and realizing that it’s perfectly normal and okay, the INTJ in me still results in a struggle with bottling up negative emotion that eventually ALWAYS forces its way out.

Yeah, I admit that I’ve been known to turn into a crying drunk now and then.

How An INTJ Can Learn To Cry

Hey, some of us just don’t feel the need to cry as often as others. You should not feel societal pressure to be something you are not. There is nothing wrong with you! Me? I can’t imagine I’ll ever be the one to cry in public if someone upsets me. And that is perfectly okay. I’m not telling you (or myself) to force yourself into a tearful meltdown just because, well…. everybody else is doing it.

What I am telling you is: Stop holding yourself back. Stop disallowing people who love you to see who you really are inside. Stop fighting the urge to be human.

So, how can you do that? Employ these 4 tips!

We all have them. Try to be mindful of yourself when you are experiencing emotions that should probably result in a cry fest. When you feel emotions like sadness, say these words to yourself, “I am feeling very sad about this.” Eventually, when you’re feeling even braver, try saying those words to your significant other or someone else you’re closest with. You’ve now recognized the emotion which starts to open the fortress for expression

Discover Your Inhibitions:

What’s stopping you from crying when you feel sadness? When you’ve experienced feelings of deep sadness, ask yourself, “Is this an appropriate time for me to express that?” If you are at work or a public event, perhaps expressing the emotion would be inappropriate and result in embarrassment for you. But if you are at home or with your loved ones, there aren’t any reasons good enough for you to suppress your emotions on a regular basis. Acknowledge that there ARE times when it is not only okay but normal and healthy.

Set Aside Time For Yourself:

We introverts need this, don’t we? This isn’t a selfish want, this is a self-preservation NEED. Those closest to you may already know and respect this about you but what if they don’t? What if they just don’t understand? Do your best to explain that you are someone who needs periods of solitude to recharge your human batteries. Set aside time, even for brief periods to think about your emotions, acknowledge them, and process them. With the right atmosphere, that might even result in a good cry!

Give Yourself Permission:

Stop holding back during that sappy or sad movie that has your tear ducts screaming for release. Stop suppressing the urge to weep when something tragic happens. You are the mastermind behind your own life and no one can better authorize a good cry than you. Allowing yourself that freedom doesn’t equate to a loss of control. In fact, it shows a reign over oneself far superior to suppressing what is erupting inside. You are human. Do not be ashamed to show it.