I’ve Never Had a Boyfriend
By: Kristen Nadel
Tags: LGBTQ, Personal Development, Dating, Identity, Life

I’ve Never Had a Boyfriend

No, it’s not because I haven’t “found the right guy”

Photo by Jake Dela Concepcion on Unsplash

I’ve “been” gay for as long as I can remember, even before I was aware of the meaning of the label. Almost twenty-nine now, I am solid in my orientation. I was one of those little girls who had an unexplainable attraction to adult women. They were always so strong and regal. It went beyond craving a mother figure because I already have a great one. Something inside just told me that I needed to pay close attention to women.

The Spice Girls had a huge influence on my sexuality. Ironically, they were total dude magnets, but it was their power that was intriguing. I wanted to live like them, all of them. They were all so sure of themselves and their identities. I think I craved confidence, as I was a very shy girl. I used to practice their dance moves in my bedroom, imagining what it would be like to finally be an adult with more choices and more freedom.

This is the unraveling of my journey to discovering that I have no interest in dating guys. It is the realization that it is okay to feel this way, even as a girl who became surrounded by others who are solely focused on heterosexual dating. Secure and confident in my identity now, I am lucky to have had such a privileged coming out. I was safe, accepted. These are some of the moments that changed my life and opened my eyes. Maybe you can relate.

The Mid-Late 2000s

Growing up in an era where it was trendy to be a girl who liked girls, I was mistakenly grouped with those who set their Myspace orientation to “bisexual” for fun. It took me a long time to work up the courage to change that setting on Myspace. I rationalized that I wasn’t gay, gay because I had a “crush” on Adam Lambert. Much to my dismay, many other girls were doing the same thing at that time — they weren’t bi. They did it so they could get more attention from boys.

Kissing other girls was the greatest gift you could give to a young man, though I had never kissed anyone yet. Part of what held me back from proudly proclaiming my queer orientation is that I didn’t want to be seen as one of those girls. I didn’t want a guy to benefit from me kissing girls, ever. At all. The thought repulsed me and made me feel like what I wanted to do was taboo.

I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry blasted through speakers in 2008. Sure, the song was catchy. I could relate to it on a deeper level, though. I remember sitting in the backseat of my friends’ cars, just brimming with joy when it came on the radio. To avoid any awkwardness, I averted my eyes from the rearview mirror to miss a questioning glance from a parent. Hearing that song was one of the first times I felt like kissing girls was something that was celebrated for reasons other than male satisfaction.

“Dating” Boys

During that time, I went on a few double dates with some boys. My best friend always had a friend of her then-boyfriend to set me up with. I agreed to the double dates because they required little commitment on my part. The dates were embarrassingly unsuccessful, and they usually led to the boys being very into me, while I had to think of ways out. I went bowling with one boy who wouldn’t stop staring at me the entire time. We went to go get sodas, and I noticed his gaze from my peripheral vision. Turning to face him, he still wouldn’t stop.

The days to follow, this boy texted me constantly. I replied occasionally because I felt that I had to act “nice.” I was uncomfortable, though. There is something about heteronormative behavior that always felt very invasive to me. I didn’t want any part in it, but I forced myself to go through the motions because I was so pressured to have a male crush like my peers. The boy kept asking to see me again, but I always had an excuse ready.

Another boy I sort of, almost dated is someone I have already written about. He led me on, and I messed up a perfectly good pot of mac and cheese in the process. Boys annoyed me more than they intrigued me. I used to think that was what a crush felt like. Inside, I always thought: Wow, this is what all my friends are going crazy over? It turns out that I had never experienced a crush until I solely set my sights on women. I did think that some boys were “good looking,” but in a way that was void of romantic attraction.

While I had already established a few relationships with women by the time the decade came to a close, there were still boys at college who pursued me. I say women because they were older than me. The boys, however, were boys. These boys would try to show off to me, out-do one another. I only saw a fumbling mess. The worst part was that I felt the same intrusive violation that I felt before. I didn’t want to come across as a bitch, but I was uncomfortable. To them, stop did not mean stop — it meant to try harder.

The Switch

I silently changed my Myspace orientation to “lesbian” sometime before I turned 18. I never felt like I had to come out. My focus was on the way I felt and how to pursue my female crushes. For the first time, life felt right to me. There is nothing wrong with me; I’m just simply not attracted to men. Believe me, I have gotten several “but how do you know if you’ve never dated a guy?” questions from overly involved onlookers.

To this, I normally reply: “Well, John, when did you first try being with a guy to assure that you are not gay?”

You just know these things about yourself. You know how you feel. Even if you don’t right now, no matter how old you are or who you have (or have not) dated, know that there is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing to show that you are broken or not cut out for love. You will experience your “aha!” moment, and it will all make sense.