Too Much Love Can Kill You
By: Alberto Guerrero
Tags: Fatherhood, Advice, Growing Up

I’m a soccer Dad.

Well, more precisely a basketball Dad. My son took it up at 6 and I was the keen dad going to every match and every training session.

But I didn’t just go and watch. Oh no, not me. I started giving unsolicited advice, criticizing the coach, and becoming a cheerleader. That kind of Dad.

There are many reasons why we should refrain from trying to help even if it makes sense. And this doesn’t just apply to our kids, same goes for anyone we love and feel the urge to protect and nurture.

Let them make mistakes

Nobody learns unless they screw up, not me, not you, and certainly not them. You have to fail in order to learn and the more you do it, the better.

It seems reasonable to transfer our experience onto them so they don’t have to suffer as much as we did, but unfortunately, it doesn’t work.

No advice, book seminar, or lecture will ever teach you more about money than losing everything and having to start from zero. Understanding a concept intellectually is one thing, living by it, a completely different animal.

I’ll never forgive the feeling of losing $2000 in 5 min in the stock market. That was extremely painful but it worked. Lesson learned.

You’ve made your fair share of mistakes, let others make theirs, it’s the only way to grow.

Don’t overprotect

Your body and mind need a healthy amount of stress in order to grow. Overprotection spoils the mechanism.

When you are exposed to germs, your immune system strengthens. By going to the gym, your muscles develop. When you go through a breakup you become stronger.

Yet, we hate to see others suffering and try to protect them from danger, but if you make your kids live in a bubble, they won’t be able to cope when they face the real world.

We, humans, are antifragile. We benefit from disorder (Nassim Taleb). A bit of dirt, exposure to germs, surprises, and pain make us stronger. If it doesn’t kill you…

Don’t give advice

Most guidance falls on deaf ears and it usually becomes counterproductive. It’s better to wait until they ask rather than force it onto them.

Ask questions, let them think for themselves, be an example, and when they finally ask, be ready for them.

But before that moment, keep your mouth shut. What makes you think you are right anyway?

You are probably wrong

Just because you experienced a similar situation in the past, it doesn’t mean it extrapolates.

You have been mistaken many times in the past and you are probably wrong now about a lot of things. Pretending that we finally know the answers to everything is just a delusion that time will destroy eventually.

When the student is ready the teacher will appear

For many years I wasn’t a good math student. I could not fathom the point of all these complex theories, theorems, and equations. I learned to go through the motions and pass the exams without actually comprehending much of it.

But then one day I saw the light. All of a sudden it all became clear, like an epiphany. After that, I became very interested in Math and learned a lot.

Traditional education consists of forcing knowledge into children regardless of their needs, interests or even skills. How many children end up scarred for life by a bad experience and never recover from it?

We all learn at different paces and have different interests. A good teacher knows this. Unfortunately, there aren’t many of those around.

Pushing vs pulling

Pushing people to do something just because “it makes sense” is a sure way to failure.

They might achieve their goal but end up miserable and alienated.

How many lawyers and doctors chose that profession due to family pressure? Do they live happily ever after?

Pushing an agenda is never a good idea. Rather, we should aim to let them follow their own path, let them discover their own talents and interests, and guide them in that direction.

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” Einstein

Projecting

We are very egocentric and tend to think that the lives and circumstances of others are similar to us.

We project our past experiences into current situations and try to see patterns where there is only noise.

Maybe you were bullied at school and you found a way out but that situation doesn’t apply to your kids. It’s a completely different scenario. Pretending that copycatting you will solve their problems is a delusion.

We are all different and so are our circumstances. Our need for oversimplification makes us fall into the trap of projection.

Conclusion

Whether it’s your children, your nephews, or your siblings, you feel the need to protect, to lecture, and to patronize them into submission. It’s all well-meant but is it really helping?

Commendable as it is, it might be counterproductive and usually ends up backfiring.

We need to be more humble and realize that our lives are not so perfectly designed and as well-executed as we would like to think. Most of us have barely managed to build a facade of order and common sense but deep down we are a mess. Nobody has anything figured out.

Pretending we have found the philosopher stone and trying to share it with others is both a mistake and a waste of time.

Let them come to you when they are ready. In the meantime be there for them, not too far but not too close either. Make sure they don’t do irreversible damage and help them get up when they fall.

Overprotection is a debilitating disease. Let them make mistakes, play with dirt, kiss dogs, and fight with each other.

Life is the best teacher. The sooner they learn the rules, the better they’ll do in life.

Don’t be a soccer Dad, let them play.