7 Tips to Keep Your Longterm Partner Happy
By: Stacey Herrera
Tags: Connection, Couples, Relationships, Love, Growth

Starting a relationship is a lot easier than maintaining one.

There’s all this excited energy at the beginning. You cannot wait to see each other. And when you’re together you are already planning the next time you will be together.

The passion is electrifying!

Lips locked. Fingers intertwined. Tongues tangled. Bodies pressed. Gazing. Longing. Feeling. Emoting. All the things!

Over time, passion often wanes. Companionship takes the lead. Complacency settles in. And if you’re not careful, you’ll forget the “why” that brought you together in the first place.

Don’t get me wrong, companionship is a good thing. But companions also deserve to feel wanted, not just needed. Which might feel like a tall order when you’ve been together for 25+ years, right? Or if we’re honest… 2 years or more.

So how do you keep yourself and your partner happy in the longterm?

For starters…

Stop Trying to Make Your Partner Happy

It’s not your job to make your partner happy. And trying to make your partner happy is a great way to burn out, fast.

“Happiness is an inside job.”

Inside as in… it’s up to the individual. Happiness is completely subjective. There is no formula for happiness. There is no happiness protocol. Because the happiness bar is always moving.

So how can you possibly offer it to your partner? You can’t.

But you can make a contribution.

You contribute to your partner's happiness all the time. By being yourself, sharing your heart, and spending time.

If your partner is having a bad day, rather than trying to fix it, ask “how can I support you?” Don’t assume you know what they need, because you don’t. Let them tell you.

Your actions might be a source of inspiration and smiles. But no matter how much you love your partner, you will never be able to conjure happiness out of thin air.

Make peace with that.

So make yourself happy. Your partner will benefit from your overflow. And vice versa.

Take Good Care of Yourself

Your mental and physical health impacts your entire life. Wellness influences your energy levels and your interests.

When you take care of yourself, you are taking care of your partner.

That means eating foods that nourish you. Getting enough rest, so you’re not a grouch. Staying hydrated. Expressing your emotions and processing your feelings. Exercising your body and your mind.

And let’s not underestimate the importance of hygiene.

You need to bathe and groom yourself. Fresh and clean is sexy as fuck!

Clean fingernails? HELL YES!

Flossed teeth? Yes, please!

Lickable genitals? YASSSSSSSS!

You don’t want to be in a relationship where the attraction wanes because you stopped taking care of yourself.

Be the person that prioritizes you. Your partner will thank you.

Non-attached

Being non-attached doesn’t mean that you don’t care. And it most certainly doesn’t mean sleeping around (unless that is a mutual agreement).

Non-attached is very different than being detached.

“Detached is, ‘I’m not playing anymore. I’m taking my ball and going home.” Non-attached says “I’m playing full-out, but I’m not attached to an outcome.” — Michael Bernard Beckwith

Non-attachment means is being free of expectation. You can want your partner. You can desire your partner. While still allowing space for them to grow and evolve, separately.

Love them deeply. Engage your whole heart. Feel all the feelings.

And leave room for autonomy.

Non-attachment offers love without tethers. There is no need to cling or control. Your partner has free will and so do you.

The freedom to choose creates space for more love to bloom.

Keep Choosing Them

You are together because you chose one another. You said yes to being together. Yes to sharing time and space. You said yes to love.

You fell in love with the way being together made you feel. The things you had in common. The things you didn’t.

You became an “us,” because they enhanced the quality of your life. Made you feel less alone.

Over time, it’s easy to forget these things. You get bogged down by busyness. Responsibility begins to trump playfulness.

Now it seems like their flaws outweigh their strengths. You make demands instead of requests. You frown more than you smile.

“I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.” -Bryan Reeves

Familiarity is a lens that will alter your perception of your partner if you let it. And resentment will annihilate intimacy, every time.

This does not have to be your reality.

Choose your partner by remembering the things you said yes to. Recognizing their strengths. Being grateful for the deliciousness they bring to your life. By loving them in the way they best receive love.

Let your partner be unapologetically human. They are so much more than their fuck-ups. Make sure they know that you know that too.

All relationships are optional.

Whether you realize it or not you are choosing every day.

How will you choose your partner today?

Forever Curious

Like you, your partner desires to be known. But your partner is also changing. Constantly. That’s why it’s so important to stay curious about your partner.

Ask questions.

Be interested in their answers.

Pay attention to the things that they are curious about.

Ask about those things.

Curiosity is an endless well. And life with a curious partner provides limitless opportunities to discover your sameness. While also exploring your differences.

More importantly, curiosity deepens intimacy. Because you will never know all there is to know about your significant other. But if you’re curious, you will continue to “peel the onion.”

Never Stop Dating

I know a couple who have been married for 30 years, and they’ve never stopped dating.

They go out for ice cream. To see plays. They bring in the New Year with pomp and circumstance. They go on dates for holidays and just because.

Sometimes they have dates at the kitchen table or on the patio outside.

Free dates. Cheap dates. Never-break-the-bank dates too!

They do things that they enjoy together. But they also enjoy things because the other person enjoys them.

Dating endlessly keeps the flame of their romance stoked. While allowing them to continuously enjoy the company of the other.

The things they do together are evolving all the time. But one thing remains… they do things together.

You should try it.

Pay Attention

This is the age of attention deprivation. There just isn’t enough of it.

Your attention has become a commodity. And everyone and everything is vying for it. That means that where you focus your attention is more important than ever.

“Attention is the most basic form of love” — John Tarrant

I believe that’s true.

Offering your undivided attention to your partner is an act of true intimacy.

Stop what you’re doing and give your partner a proper greeting. If they are sharing something important, put your device down, so they feel heard. Be generous with eye contact, so they feel seen.

Attention says to the other person, “you are important and I see you.” (Translation: I love you)