Saying YES to the Dress (and the Book)
By: Jennie Nash
Tags: Authors, Publishing, Weddings, Inspiration, Writing

Photo by Beatriz Pérez Moya on Unsplash

This past weekend, I trekked across the country to Boston to go wedding dress shopping with my daughters Carlyn, the bride-to-be, and Emily, the maid of honor. We were travelers going deep into the American bridal industrial complex — an appointment at a Newbury Street dress boutique. Carlyn was well-prepared with her budget, her Pinterest board, and a very decisive nature.

What I brought to the day was an array of feelings and emotions — how could I possibly be old enough to have a child getting married? how could I be so lucky as to have such great relationships with both my children that we would all make the effort to come together for this kind of event? — and the backstory of my own wedding dress shopping experience.

I am constantly teaching people that nothing is neutral in a story. That’s because no experience is neutral for an individual. We all bring a thousand memories to any given situation, and those memories are what we use to make sense of it, to give it meaning.

My wedding dress backstory involves the fact that I went shopping for my wedding dress with my mother, too — but it was miles away from the experience I just had with my own children, mostly because my relationship with my mother is, in general, miles away from the one I have with my own children. I am not here to throw my mom under the bus — she did the best she can as a mom, as we all do. But what I will say is that I had a very hard time hearing my own voice when I was with my mom. I had a very hard time hearing my own desires. It has taken me a lifetime to know myself and speak up for myself. And back then, I was no good at it.

As a result, I ended up with a tea-length wedding dress that had the giant puffy-sleeved overkill of so many clothes from the ’80s. It did not emphasize what I like best about my own body, or align with any sort of style I would say is “me.” Its primary virtue was that it was on sale.

Does a dress matter? On the one hand, no, not at all. Despite the dress, I have enjoyed an exceptionally long and happy marriage.

But on the other hand, yes, absolutely. Clothes help us define who we are to ourselves and to the world. They are a language that speaks about the things we value and believe in. Sometimes, clothes help us make a transition from one identity to another — as in a graduation gown, or a wedding dress.

I recently moved after raising a family for 25 years in one house, and one of the things I got rid of in the move was my wedding dress. It was beautifully preserved in a box in the attic — but neither of my girls would ever have worn it. I took it to Goodwill, hopeful that someone was either going to score a great costume or a wedding dress that, despite its puffy sleeves, has the energy of a long and happy marriage imbued in it. It felt wonderful to finally declare that I never liked it. It felt like a fitting end to its story for me.

Jennie and her husband, Rob, on their wedding day

So — because of this backstory — when I went to help Carlyn chose her wedding dress, I was determined to help her listen to her own voice and chose a dress she loved. I was determined not to influence her decision-making. That mostly meant keeping my mouth shut and letting her go through her own process of choosing — which anyone who has ever been a friend or a mom knows is way easier said than done.

We were helped in the wedding dress choosing by our dress spirit guide — a young woman with binder clips and bungi cords at the ready to instantly fit every sample dress to the bride-to-be’s body. Her name was Katie, and she was not messing around. She had clearly helped a lot of people narrow down their options because she asked great questions at key moments — i.e. “Do you feel like you?” “Does it feel special?” “Is it firmly in third place? If so, get rid of it. You’re not settling for a third-place dress.”

We were also helped by the fact that Carlyn knows herself very well, and has been well-schooled in asking for what she wants and speaking her voice. She knocked down choices, knocked out contenders, and quickly settled on an amazing dress that she loves.

In just one hour, she said YES to the dress!

Carlyn saying, YES!, to the dress

Jennie with her daughters, Emily and Carlyn

This is now part of her story.

And it is part of my story, as well. I was not a young woman who knew how to listen to myself, but I raised a young woman who knows how to do that. It’s a very gratifying thing.

To bring this all around to writing a book…. if you are struggling to say YES to your book — to start or to finish or to pitch or to publish — you may want to think about your backstory around the creative process.

Did someone tell you that you weren’t a very good writer?

That you had nothing worth saying?

That you were silly to think that anyone would care what you had to say?

That’s your backstory and it is influencing your behavior around writing as surely as anything else. Nothing is neutral.

Figure out what is holding you back from saying YES. Figure out why you want to write your book, why it matters to you, what your deep level motivation is, and then find a way to commit.