Breakup Aftermath: What to Do to Get Over It
By: Wendy Miller
Tags: Relationships, Divorce, Self Love, Breakups, Moving On

Breakup Aftermath: What to Do to Get Over It

While time may be the great — and perhaps only — healer, there are some things you can do to start getting over your breakup right away.

I broke up with a long-term boyfriend about eight months ago. Well, let’s be really clear about what it was. I broke up with what was, from my perspective, a long-term boyfriend. Based on his actions, he probably only saw our two-year relationship as a casual fling or maybe merely a test of his acting skills to see if he could make it in Hollywood.

Either way, for me it was a very difficult time. But there were a few things I found that helped me get over things a little more quickly than I might have if I hadn’t done them. These are my best tips for beginning to put the pieces back together after a breakup.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Feel all of it

Breakups are messy, painful, difficult things. There are tears, hurt feelings, anger, urges for revenge (and maybe even murder), and so much more. Some people might tell you to try to ignore those feelings, distract yourself from them, and feel better feelings.

That’s good advice — later. In the beginning, in the days and weeks immediately after the breakup, you need to feel all those bad feelings. Feel the suffering, the pain, the agony. Feel the grief. Mourn what is lost, because no matter why or how the breakup happened, it is a loss.

Ignoring those feelings will only cause them to get bigger and worse later. They’ll pop up months later, or maybe in your next relationship, demanding to be felt. Save yourself the hassle and feel them now. It’s going to hurt, it’s going to suck, and it definitely won’t be fun. Feel it anyway.

Be honest with yourself about what happened

In my breakup, my honesty looked something like this: the man I was dating was not real. He was a façade based on what my then-boyfriend knew I wanted in a man and relationship. He pretended to be someone he was not in order to get me to be with him. He lied, manipulated, and deceived me for two years. And I let him.

Yes, I let him. I knew things weren’t right. I knew there were things he said and did that didn’t add up. And I let him distract me from finding out what was really going on. I let him avoid answering my questions. I stayed with him, despite knowing that I should leave.

This honesty is important. First, it helps you learn from the mistakes that you both made in the relationship.

But perhaps more importantly, it prevents you from second-guessing leaving. It stops you from going back and trying again. It keeps you from sugarcoating what happened and convincing yourself that maybe the breakup is a mistake.

Be brutally honest with yourself. Admit what they did wrong, and admit what you did wrong. Remember that even if one of you bears more blame for what happened, you both bear some — even if yours is limited to “I stayed when I shouldn’t have.”

Photo by Estée Janssens on Unsplash

Learn from the mistakes you both made

After you’re honest with yourself about what happened, use that information to learn from the mistakes both of you made.

You need to learn from your own mistakes so you don’t repeat them. But you also want to learn from your former partner’s mistakes so that you know what you don’t want in a future relationship. Whether it’s learning how to recognize when someone’s cheating or learning that you need more attention than your partner gave you, learn from what they did or didn’t do.

Some lessons will be immediately obvious, while others may take a little more time to be clear. While you don’t want to dwell on the relationship and pick it apart forever, you do want to make sure you spend enough time on this to feel confident you’ve learned all you can from it.

Don’t seek answers from your ex

I know how tempting it can be. Someone cheats, and you really want to know what they saw in this other person that they didn’t see in you. You’re together for years, maybe even a decade or more, and suddenly they say they’re done. You want to know how they can just change their mind.

Looking for answers from your ex is just a bad idea. First, you can’t be sure they’ll tell you the truth. They might just say what they think you want to hear. Or they might make stuff up just to hurt you more. Second, it only extends your pain and grieving. Finally, if it’s an ugly breakup and your ex is not a good person, they might use your desire for answers to keep you hanging on. They may keep promising to tell you what you want to know without actually doing it just to keep that connection with you and see you suffer.

It’s best to accept that you may always have some unanswered questions. There may never be the closure that you would like from this relationship. It’s not fair, and it might mean your healing takes a little longer, but this acceptance is better for you in the long run than trying to squeeze answers out of someone who doesn’t want to give them to you.

Photo by Tim Bennett on Unsplash

Block the ex if you need to

Some sources will tell you should absolutely block an ex, no matter what. Others will say you shouldn’t block them for various reasons. In my opinion, both are valid.

I have exes that I’ve blocked. I also have exes that I’m still friends with. Every breakup is different. You have to do what’s best for you.

If you feel you need to block the ex, then block the ex. Do it ruthlessly and without guilt. This is about your mental and emotional health, and it doesn’t matter what your ex or anyone else will think.

It doesn’t matter if you block them just because you don’t want them to be able to reach you or if you block them because you need to do it to stop stalking them or keep yourself from contacting them.

If you choose to block them, make sure you cover all the bases: social media, email, and phone.

Get rid of all evidence of them

Pack up all the photos, letters, and gifts they ever gave you and get rid of them. Delete all the photos online, the emails, the voicemails and text messages. If you can’t bring yourself to truly get rid of stuff, then at least pack it all up and shove it in the attic or the back of a high, easily forgotten shelf, and archive everything online so it’s not readily accessible.

Keeping photos or gifts at your fingertips means keeping reminders of your ex at your fingertips too. And while you may be able to wear that locket or look at that photo with a sweet memory someday, today is not that day.

Right now, those things will only serve to drive the knife in even deeper. And while you may feel like that’s what you need to keep from going back, it’s actually just going to prolong your pain even more. Just get it all out of sight so it can be out of mind.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Don’t engage with the nosy negatives

Whether it’s your ex’s family calling to blame you or mutual friends prying to find out what happened, avoid the nosy negative people who only want to argue with you about what happened or make you feel bad about it.

Only you and your ex know what happened in your relationship. And you can only control yourself and what you say. Your ex might be spouting all kinds of lies about you but engaging with those people who want to crucify you because of it won’t change anything. Letting them tell you how wonderful your ex is or how horrible you are won’t make you feel better or get you back together with your ex.

This can be particularly difficult if the people we’re talking about are mutual friends. It can feel cruel and unfair to have to cut people out of your life that you genuinely care about. And they may very well have the best intentions. But it doesn’t do your mental or emotional state any good, so it’s best to walk away when those conversations start.

Take stock of the good still in your life

Family, friends, a good job, a reliable vehicle… what else do you have that is good? When we’re in the middle of a breakup and it feels like everything is falling apart and lost to us, it’s a good time to take stock of what we still have that’s good.

You can make this into a whole gratitude practice if you want. Or you can simply remind yourself of all the people, places, and things that are good. The gratitude may or may not come naturally from this reminder, but the purpose of this isn’t necessarily to feel actual gratitude.

Your romantic relationship took up a huge space in your life. The loss of it can leave you feeling empty and lost. This is about reminding yourself that there are things that can fill in that space, other than your romantic relationship. If that makes you grateful, great! If it doesn’t, that’s okay, too.

Photo by Juliet Furst on Unsplash

Dive into hobbies

Taking a couple of days or even a week after a breakup to watch sappy romantic movies, gorge on ice cream, and cry your eyes out is fine. After that, though, it’s time to pick up your battered heart and get back into life. Hobbies are a good place to start.

You probably set aside at least one hobby in favor of your relationship. Pick up those old hobbies again. You have plenty of time to enjoy them now. Find groups, pick up supplies, and immerse yourself in things you’ve always loved.

This is also a great time to seek out some new hobbies. Those activities you’ve always wanted to try but didn’t have time for. The ones you heard about, were curious about, but your partner didn’t want to try, so you set it aside. Now is the perfect time to dig in and really explore those things and see if you like them or not.

Keep a (separate) breakup journal

I recommend journaling as a part of daily life. During a breakup, though, I suggest keeping a separate breakup journal. What’s a breakup journal?

You can buy them if you want. These journals often offer prompts, ideas, and advice on getting through the breakup. They can be helpful, but they’re not required.

You can just grab a blank journal, or even just a blank school notebook, and record all your thoughts and feelings about the relationship and breakup in it. Whichever you decide to go with, the store-bought breakup journal or the blank one, record everything.

Write down every thought, every feeling, every question that comes to mind. Write every doubt, every memory, every idea for revenge and plot for murder that you come up with. Let it all out on the page. All the fears, tears, rage, unfairness, devastation, and everything else that comes up for you should be put in this journal.

Unlike any other journal you might keep, I don’t suggest keeping your breakup journal. Write in it for as long as you need — a few days, several weeks, or even months. But when you’re done, when you feel you’ve exhausted everything there is surrounding the breakup and you’re truly ready to be over it, get rid of the journal.

You can burn it, shred it, or even take it to the shooting range and blast away at it. Whether you consider it a symbolic release of all the negativity around your breakup and a letting go of the relationship, or simply a practical solution to ensuring no one thinks you really intend to cut your ex’s brakes and send him off a cliff, writing and then getting rid of the journal is a great way to truly let go.

Photo by Adam Birkett on Unsplash

See if you can identify the warning signs

Before you get rid of that journal, take some time to read through it. Relive memories, look at the patterns of emotions, and notice the thoughts that came up. As you do, see if you can identify any warning signs that the relationship was coming to an end — or perhaps that it was doomed from the start.

We often become deliberately blind to impending disaster. The evidence is there, we know it’s coming, but we turn away and pretend because we’re not ready to face the truth. While the warning signs may not look the same in every relationship, it can’t hurt to see if you can identify them now.

If you can identify them now, it will be that much harder to turn away and ignore them if they appear in a future relationship. They can also help you identify what you do and don’t want in future relationships.

Just make sure you don’t spend too much time on this.

Engage in lots of self-care

This may be the most important thing you can do after a breakup. Self-care is critical during this period when you might be feeling like taking care of yourself is the last thing you want to do.

You should engage in more “fluffy” self-care, like bubble baths and massages. But you should also make sure you engage in more practical self-care like getting enough sleep, eating healthy nutritious meals regularly, and drinking lots of water.

During a breakup, other self-care might include making sure you have a safe place to live, see a therapist, and making sure that you stay on top of things at work (or even take a vacation so you can get through the worst of the breakup without working).

This may be one of the more difficult times in your life for self-care. You’re often depressed, lacking the energy to do anything, and if you’re blaming yourself for the breakup, maybe not feeling like you deserve to take care of yourself.

You might have to force yourself to take care of yourself during this period. If that’s what it takes, then force yourself. Ask a friend or relative to check in on you. You might even ask them to help you with your self-care.

Photo by Louis Hansel on Unsplash

Don’t rush to start dating again

It’s a mistake we all make at least once in our lives: we start dating again way too soon after a breakup, and things predictably don’t go well. Too soon for one person is too long for another, so only you’ll know when it’s time for you to start dating again.

But don’t rush it. We all know how hard it is to be alone, and how tempting it is to throw up a dating profile or ask out that cute guy at work — especially if your ex is already dating someone new. But dating before you’re ready, before you’re fully healed, just sets you up for failure. It sets you up to end up back in this lonely, heartbroken place over and over instead of finding the solid, healthy, loving relationship you really want. So take your time and ride out the pain.

Speaking of dating, this also applies to hooking up with someone. Casual, no-strings sex, whether with a friend or a stranger, can seem like a good idea in the moment. No feelings, no commitment, no chance for heartache. Get your physical needs met without all the rest.

The problem is that you can end up transferring the love you felt for your ex to this other person because of the physical connection. Or you can be reminded of how much you miss your ex. Or the experience might just be a really bad one — over too quickly, the lack of feelings leaving you feeling lonelier than before or feeling used.

Sex and romance will still be there, no matter how long you wait. You’ll know when you’re ready, whether that’s a few hours or a few years.

Don’t linger in regret or doubt

It’s so easy to get caught up in the what ifs and what might have beens. It takes no time at all to go down a spiral of reliving things that were said or done and wonder if something different had been said or done, would things have turned out differently? We can create an entire fantasy relationship based on what we think might have happened if just one thing had been different.

This is a waste of time, effort, and emotion. Even if you’re right and one little change could have changed the course of the relationship, it’s too late now. And most of the time, you’re not right. Most of the time, the change you envision making a difference wouldn’t have changed anything. Or if it did change something, it likely would have only dragged out the inevitable — you would have broken up two weeks or a month later than you did, or had that big fight a little later.

It’s common to go through a period, right after the breakup, where you play the “what if” game. The problem comes when you linger in that place. When you linger in the regrets, wallow in the doubt, and keep trying to rewrite the relationship in your head, you drag out the pain and make yourself more miserable than you need to be.

Breakups are a chance to begin again

Breakups give us a unique opportunity. We can wallow in pain, heartbreak, doubt, and unhappiness. Or we can pick ourselves up, and rebuild our lives into something even better than we had before. Whether we wallow or rebuild is up to us.

Which choice will you make?