The Least Important Claim of Our Lives
By: Anthony Bialy
Tags: Elections, President, Voting, Donald Trump, Election 2020

That was the most important election of our lives until the next one, which will be the next one. I guess it’s inspirational to think today is the only day that matters. But a closer examination of events indicates the importance of whatever day this is seems unlikely. I know things that happened aren’t here any longer, so I’m sorry to wander into metaphysics.

The very centered manner of thinking there is no moment but this one is actually a pretty good reflection of our selfie-based times. Please like this so I feel validated. As one would lamentably think, declaring right now’s ultimate supremacy is not about seizing the moment. Instead, the lack of perspective leads to empty lives.

The panic that tomorrow will never arrive might be an excuse for our government spending trillions more annually than it loots. But experience shows that there is usually another day ahead, which leads to bad news about paying back.

Proclaiming we just lived through the most momentous historical moment embodies the sort of smug arrogance that defines our oh so modest times. The feeling that existence is about to be obliterated gives any politician too much authority.

An inflated sense of importance is either a sign to cut off power to those who have it or that our imaginations have run out of control. Either way, we should end utility service in our nation’s capital. They’ll get less anti-work done, which means everyone else can do real jobs. Candlelight was good enough for the Founding Fathers.

A lack of self-awareness isn’t as charming as hoped. Lots of people who like commanding everyone else sure are fretful about descending into fascism. It’s always this election that’s crucial for stopping the American Mussolini. If you think voting to stop us from aligning with World War II bad guys is a new phenomenon, visit your local library to examine how Newsweek treated secret Fourth Reich architects Ronald Reagan and the Bushes if the microfiche machine is unoccupied.

That whole voting thing we endured will have an effect, unfortunately. We learned which jerk gets to boss around everyone, not just sickos who crave it. Joe Biden gets to try his hardest to impose lurching nonsense, which will be a change of pace from Donald Trump bothering us while pretending it was conservative.

Either way, people who enjoy being left alone dream of a world where politics are so inconsequential that an election is like getting a new queen. Countries ruled by royals are at least honest. The blessed final tally is going to result in a bunch of lousy junk passed. Who won? It doesn’t matter.

Earth will continue spinning even if ghastly things happen on it. Sure, there will be a great deal of pain as a result of the personnel change, which is not balanced by the lack of alignment problems brought by a thinner wallet. But resilient people will bear with enforced idiocy and run better candidates next time. If anyone’s feeling like freaking out, know there will be one. I’ve been cheering in vain for lava asteroids to mercifully strike our hideous planet.

Constantly acting like the nation is imperiled isn’t just daft: it leads to shrugging off blaring sirens. We can’t be at DEFCON 1 constantly. Reflexively going to red alert is especially tiresome coming from those who would shred the Constitution if not for that stupid glass guarding it. America will be destroyed if its government doesn’t force insurers to sell a product.

Deciding today is the only one that’s ever mattered is as self-righteous as it is exhausting. Not knowing anything but this moment leads to the sort of delightfully shortsighted policies that ruin the future.

People who disregard history always think the present is special as if our challenges are unique. Finding an original idea is much easier without learning what already happened, especially among people who think government is a solution seeking problems. Wait until you hear what happened when countries tried socialism. The upside is a lot of people felt equal.

Follow human tendencies to learn why life’s a pain. Pompousness leads to insecurity, which is a sign the former is unjustified. We’ve never faced challenges of this magnitude before, according to those who enjoy learning each day because they forgot everything.

A slight bit of memory would allow reliving bad things, which is why the blank slate’s the way to go for inner peace. Still, an analysis of cave paintings indicates our world has endured previous traumas, including many inflicted by crummy presidents. In fact, some of them received support from the professional panic patrol. Ignorance is in fact the death of bliss. We’ll hurt tomorrow, as well.