“How Do We Get Users to Stop Craving Human Interaction?”
By: Lisa Martens
Tags: Humor, Support, Social Media, Customer Service, Tech

“How Do We Get Users to Stop Craving Human Interaction?”

A tech short story.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

“You all know the head of the support team. They provide customer service. They’re great. We honor them with pizza parties and beer every time our company survey reveals they’re suicidal. We absolutely love them, and ignore the anti-corporate memes on their social media pages. We are here with the support team to ask a very vital question.”

“Happy to be here. Happy to help.”

“Are you?”

“No. But I perfected feigning sincerity at my AA meetings.”

“…Very good. So our question is this: How do we get users to stop craving human interaction?”

“What?”

“See, you provide customer service and we love you for it. Absolutely. What you do is so important. So, so important. We’d be nothing without you. Please don’t fall off the wagon. But if we could get fewer people writing and calling in, well, you know, that would be less work for you.”

“Uh, okay.”

“But surveys show that even when the support section answers a person’s question, and even with the most convincing bots, people still prefer human interaction. They want to feel like a human being is listening to them.”

“Right.”

“Yes. So, how do we stop that?”

“You want people to stop preferring talking to an actual human…so that I don’t have a job anymore? Why would I help you do this? I mean, honestly, I don’t think it’s possible. I think if you understood anything about people, you’d know this isn’t possible. But aside from that…why would I help you fire me?”

“We wouldn’t be firing you. No one is using that language here. We would be freeing you to perform other tasks.”

“…Such as?”

“Coding!”

“What? I don’t want to learn to code.”

“You don’t?”

“No, and I’m tired of everyone in tech pushing this women who code narrative onto me. My job is important. I like talking to people and working with people. I’m tired of being treated like something is wrong with that, and that I have to level up. I have skills dealing with people. Well, not you, but like…people who like people. I am tired of devaluing what I know is a useful skill.”

“But…didn’t the support job drive you to drink?”

“No, it was all the free alcohol and never getting a raise that drove me to drink.”

“We’re getting hung up on the wrong things and frankly, I’m afraid we’re getting off-course. Back to the topic at hand…Why don’t you think it’s possible?”

“To make humans stop wanting human interactions? Because it’s the very nature of being human. If you automate the entire world, it’ll be more efficient, but everyone will hate it. People get angry at self-checkout. Not everyone is you. Maybe you like it, and you think it’s more convenient. But a lot of people like seeing a familiar face and hearing a familiar voice. You know when you don’t have enough money for something, and your local grocer tells you to just take it and pay them next time? People want a world like that. They want the kind of world you’re trying to eliminate.”

“People want things to be less efficient?”

“If it means being more flexible and more human, yes. Not everyone prioritizes efficiency above all things. Some people value warmth.”

“And you really don’t want to work as a programmer?”

“Not really, no.”

“So then…why did you volunteer to help our AI learn how to automate support?”

“So I can teach it wrong. When a customer threatens to sue our company, the robot sends 16 smiley face 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊 emojis now.”

“What?!”

“This might be a good time to tell you I’m quitting.”