Thoughts on Being a Jewish Wife
Tags: Motherhood, Christianity, Feminism, Judaism, Wife

Thoughts on Being a Jewish Wife

After a conversation with Christian Wives

What does it mean to be a Jewish wife? The question was posed among a group of my writing colleagues not that long ago. Whether Christian or Jewish, we’re all fairly faithful in our own ways and that religious observance is what tends to guide us in our roles as wives and mothers. Somewhere in the conversation the New Testament verse about women “submitting to their husbands” was brought up and explained as, essentially, the termination point in negotiations. “Someone has to give in, so in the end it’s going to be me,” one Christian woman wrote.

When I explained this concept to my husband he about fell over laughing.

Recently I came across a video of Hasidic men encountering Fiddler on the Roof for the first time. One man jokingly comments to the other something along the lines of, Listen to the Papa? What household does he live in? This isn’t a Jewish one. We are a nation of minyanim and lawyers for a reason.

Judaism is a faith fully aware of human passions. Instead of denying them, Torah seeks to build a framework around the way people work (and the way the natural world works) in order to establish order out of chaos. This is why when it comes to marriage we have a division of labor approach. Women, that is to say wives, run the household. Historically this is because men, the hunter-gatherers of our species, had to go out and find work. You can’t be expected to manage a household if you don’t spend the majority of your day in it. Therefore, the responsibilities of home fell to wives. Call it genetics or epigenetics, either way it is completely against a Jewish woman’s nature to permit her husband full run of the house. Not going to happen.

Yet, don’t be confused into thinking that home is all we do. Our responsibilities start, not stop at home. Even some of the most religiously observant women among us pursue higher education and impressive careers while raising multiple children. The most complete definition of a Jewish wife I’ve ever been able to find is the Eishet Chayil (Woman of Valor) in Proverbs 31. You’ll note that along with running the house and raising the children, the Woman of Valor manages household finances and investments, maintains the property and makes sure everyone is clothed and fed. She handles on an individual level what her husband handles on a communal level. That’s right: A Jewish wife isn’t just an active participant in her marriage; she plays a vital role in the health and success of the culture at large.

In fact, when we ignore the vital role women play in managing households, we disregard their binah, a Kabbalistic term for spiritual insight. Every woman can relate to the idea of a “woman’s intuition” and so can Jewish men. We are the spiritual and emotional center of our home. Whether our husband and children draw closer to God and each other depends primarily on us. This goes beyond baking challah every Shabbat and into the time and energy we invest in every daily encounter and activity we manage. Wives and mothers translate Torah’s commands into practical terms for everyday living. In that sense, we are our children’s first teacher and our husband’s ongoing refresher course in Jewish spiritual life.

The classic image of a Jewish mother is a nag who redeems herself through three things: endless food, constant kvelling, and boundless love. I’d like to think this is because Jewish women have a greater sense of agency in our roles as wives and mothers than women who’ve been fed the notion that they must achieve in a man’s world in order to feel validated. It isn’t that we’re against the idea of women having careers. It’s just that professional accomplishments aren’t the limit of our personal successes. And, honestly, what’s more exciting: the fact that you can compete against a man or the pride you take in your own personal creations of home and family?

Every Shabbat observant Jews recite the Eishet Chayil, a tradition dating back to the 17th century. While it’s lovely to praise a wife for putting together a fabulous meal, and it’s always a good idea to recite some scripture during holy happenings, I’d like to think there’s also a practical reason for this weekly reminder of everything a wife and mother does for her family. The Eishet Chayil reminds us that when we as a family unit separate micro and macro we not only have a healthy division of labor, but an insightful one.

Communities are only as strong as the families that build them. And we only learn how to be good members of our community by being good members of our family first. In that sense, a Jewish wife’s role as the administrator of her household has a lifelong impact on every person who will be touched by the lives of her husband and children. In Jewish marriage, it is the wife’s role to remind her husband and teach her children: “This is how the world works best. Now go, do, and be blessed. And be home for dinner!”