HIRED TO BE FIRED
By: Paul Rutherford
Tags: Shopping, London, Customer Experience, Values, Retail

When values are priceless

For the past 18 months, everything I’ve bought has been delivered — either to my desktop or my front door. Groceries, books, clothes, music, films, Indian curries.

Wi-fi and Deliveroo know no bounds.

But for all the convenience (and covid safety), I am now missing the retail experience. I yearn for the joys of book browsing, trolley pushing, spur-of-the-moment coffee sipping…

Most of all, I miss great customer service. Interactions with people who care, who know more about their products than I do. Staff members who understand the the value of a smile.

And retailers value the customer experience, not only this quarter’s profit.

Or perhaps I’m hankering for something long-gone. Like when the best job in Harrods was ‘The Man Who Would Be Fired’.

He spent most of his day in a small office at the top of the building, drinking tea, reading the paper, doing the crossword, waiting for the telephone to ring.

He’d usually get one call a day. Sometimes two. When it came, the voice on the other end was always a Departmental Manager, summoning him at once.

Then he took the lift to the appropriate floor and made his way to the said Department. In this case, China and Glass. There he found the Manager placating a customer.

“Johnson,” the Manager said, gesturing toward the customer. “Do you know who this is?”

No, said the Man Who Would Be Fired, shaking his head while examining the carpet.

“This is Lady Dowager Fortescue-St Clair. Lady Dowager Fortescue St-Clair is one of our most important, valued customers. As was her mother, the late Lady Dowager Fortescue-St Clair.”

The Man Who Would Be Sacked bowed slightly. He knew his place.

“Her Ladyship recently came into our emporium and bought a fine Royal Dalton, 48-piece dinner service as a wedding present for her daughter. She asked for it to be delivered. That, I believe, was your responsibility.”

The Many Who Would Be Fired acknowledged that it was.

“Well, imagine the distress we caused Lady Dowager Fortescue St-Clair when the said Royal Dalton 48-piece dinner service arrived, was unwrapped, and found to be a Royal Dalton 47-piece dinner service. Plus a broken gravy boat.”

The Man Who Would Be Fired agreed that this must have caused considerable distress. The Departmental Manager continued:

“The cause of the broken gravy boat was you, Johnson. It appears that you had not wrapped it properly, thereby committing it to a damaging fate. What do you have to say for yourself?”

The Man Who Would Be Fired apologised, now looking at his shoes. But the Departmental Manager was not finished:

“This is not the level of service our customers expect from Harrods, Johnson. And certainly not the level of service we should provide to our most valued customers like Lady Dowager Fortescue-St Clair. Therefore, you will go immediately to the Personnel Office and collect your cards. Your slap-dash approach shows that you are not suited to a career with Harrods. Good day to you.”

On cue, the Lady Dowager tried to intervene. She said that dispensing with Johnson’s services was rather harsh. His apology was quite enough.

“Your Ladyship’s benevolence does you great credit,” said the Departmental Manager. “ But it is Harrods’ policy to provide the greatest care and attention to customers. Mr Johnson has failed to do so.

“We cannot risk such a dreadful incident happening again. I can only apologise on behalf of the entire company for this slipping of standards. We are indeed fortunate that you are the source of human kindness, and willing to forgive our appalling error.

“Johnson — why are you still here?”

At which, The Man Who Would Be Fired soulfully returned to the lift, took it to the top of the building, and returned to his small office, his tea, his paper, his crossword…

And awaited his next telephone call.