Burnout’s back, Allright
By: Devin Younge
Tags: Writing, Esport, Mental Health, Burnout, Careers

Well, here it is. After getting back into the groove, casting esports events, writing articles, conducting interviews and watching more game footage than I have in the previous two years, burnout has hit me like a ton of bricks once again. I should probably rewind a bit and give some context, so you can understand wtf I am talking about.

Sometime around the middle of 2019, I started feeling burnt out on the rise-and-grind of esports. As a newly minted freelance commentator freed from the golden shackles of Riot Games, I’d been in a constant state of travelling or frantically searching for new work. I’d had some decent success — by this time I‘d covered such events as the PuBG Mobile Club Open, Red Bull Uneverse, the Split 2 OPL for League of Legends, and the Rules of Survival Global series. My work had taken me across continents and countries, and I was blessed to work with some incredible individuals, sharing unforgettable experiences (good and not so much XD). Back home in Berlin, my personal relationships suffered for it. Every time I met up with friends, so much had passed me by, and I wasn’t able to relate to whatever was going on with everyone else. My circle seemed to shrink, and despite my best efforts to keep up with folks both local and abroad, I didn’t feel like I was close to anyone, save a few friends. I resolved to make a change by the end of the year.

I made my move to Los Angeles, repatriating to the US in December of 2019. Living with my mother in San Diego, I spent my time looking to secure both an apartment and consistent work in Los Angeles. I was fortunate to find some of the latter (Twitch Rivals NA and EU were both a blast!), but it took until March to sort out my living situation. About two weeks into my new place, Covid hit.

I’ll speed through the 2020 stuff — I tried out some different career plans, made a bit of headway doing this and that, but it always seemed to keep coming back to esports, even if I wasn’t securing much work that way. On the personal front, I was learning more about myself while we were all stuck indoors — as an extrovert it was very difficult to be alone for such a long time. Adopting a loveable little furball helped, and meeting my partner in the midst of things was a bright shining star amidst a black, empty void of space.

I threw myself into writing, and working on tabletop adventures in particular. I like to think I’m pretty good at it, though I wish I could put out more regularly (my therapist says there are ‘good word days’ and ‘bad word days’, which I think is her version of Bones/No Bones). Then, I was offered work on the PCS Summer out of the blue — my first LoL event in a year and a half. I jumped at the chance, and despite working topsy turvy nighttime hours from LA, I had a blast alongside Clement and Nit3star. Suddenly, I was on the radar again. My social media was abuzz with folks enjoying (or at least commenting on) my casting. I looked to expand into other titles as well, focusing my energy on a personal favorite, Apex Legends. And I held my first Reddit AMA to excellent response — if you were in there, thank you for participating!

Going into Worlds, I felt like things had turned around. I was engaged, motivated, and ready to be back in the game. I’d secured a deal to write content for InvenGlobal during Worlds, and had already been planning features. I had applied to the open casting call for the Apex Legends Global series as well, and incredibly, was invited to be on the Broadcast. Sadly, I wasn’t able to perform more than one of the requested days, but to receive the invite was positive nonetheless. I was ready to take on the world, or so I thought.

This October went by in a blur. Covering Worlds, despite suboptimal timezones for an NA-based viewer, was manageable at first. But as time dragged on, watching the games got a little more difficult as my lack of sleep caught up to me. I managed to crank out three pieces of content for the Play-Ins and Group stages, and I’ll always have the utmost respect for those who can manage more — writing is hard, y’all! On top of that, I was feverishly studying Apex Legends VODs and working with other talent to craft narratives leading up to my casting debut (shoutout to DiA, for literally everything! You’re an absolute machine, my dude). As I mentioned, in the end I was only able to deliver one day of broadcast on the ALGS. My second was cut short by technical issues and a scheduling conflict prevented any others. I’d hoped my performance was enough to merit a callback, but sadly this was not the case. By the time November arrived, I was exhausted. I even missed the Worlds finals live — waking up about 30 minutes after EDG lifted the Summoner’s Cup.

So where do I go from here? Well, that’s the question, isn’t it? I’ve been doing my best to take time to recuperate, enjoying living with my partner after a year of dating. Sadly, she works unsustainable hours, and when I’m not fretting over my own career, I worry about her own levels of burnout. I know in many ways I am a fortunate person. There are many who’d love to have a career like mine, and it feels silly to complain.

But the truth is I am once again facing the mental brick wall that is burnout. I don’t know where I’ll go from here. Perhaps I’ll climb over the wall and find out what’s on the other side. Maybe I can find a way around it, dig a hole under it, or crash through it like the Kool-aid man. Or maybe I’ll simply choose another path, and see where that leads me. But for the moment I sit, back against the bricks, and wonder to myself…