Introducing…Hallmark Christmas Movie Tinted Glasses
By: Justin Avery Smith
Tags: Holidays, Humor, Hallmark Channel, Christmas, Satire

Introducing…Hallmark Christmas Movie Tinted Glasses

May your Christmas be filled with joy, and an unnaturally strong sense of upper middle class polish!

Want your home to look just like a Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie this season, but just don’t have the time, money, or energy? Fret not! Introducing…Hallmark Christmas Movie Tinted Glasses! The glasses that let you see your house in a way only thought possible by living in the world of Hallmark’s many Christmas specials! One that is simultaneously generic and ritzy! So over produced and forcibly relatable, you’ll be surprised it wasn’t done by CBS.

Just put on your Hallmark Tinted Glasses and look down at what you’re wearing now! The finest Nordstrom jacket that normal people like you would have to dip into their rainy day fund to afford, and white gloves that never get dirty! No matter how many snow covered cars you touch or public bathrooms you go into!

And just look at the outside of your house! Every corner covered in garland and wreaths laced with Christmas lights, like colorful weeds growing out of your wall that will surely be a pain in the ass to take down after the holidays! Especially since you can’t afford to pay people to do that for you! Plus so many trees lit so brightly on your front lawn, you’ll think there was another wildfire. And there might be with all the electricity flowing through those babies, but ignoring that possibility is half the fun!

But thanks to Hallmark’s special lenses, not just the outside of your home gets a loud makeover. Just bring you and your tinted Christmas shades inside! Glance over at your kitchen table where there’s a finely cooked ham that looks so beautiful, it’s unreal, because it is! It’s a fake ham that’s just the centerpiece for your romantic discussion with your love interest. Speaking of which….

Each pair even comes with your selection of conventionally good looking white people to be a viewable part of your scenery! Lacey Chabert, Candace Cameron Bure, Jodie Sweetin, you name it! (The Lori Loughlin model has been discontinued). Pair them with Jesse Metcalfe, Luke Macfarlane, or Brennan Elliot. Your choice!*

*while you currently can’t pair people of the same sex together, we promise to get around to that at sound point in the next few decades or so.

And yes, they are available in black, but they are greatly outnumbered by the white version, so get those where you can! Worried you missed your chance to buy a pair this year? There’s always next year, and the year after that where they will come to you sooner and sooner every year! Heck, even now they were available before Halloween. That’s right, BEFORE Halloween! Next year’s pair might be available as early as Valentine’s Day!

Only sold in Vancouver for the insanely, low price of 2 million dollars per product. Act fast! We only make 40 of these a year, and supplies are limited!*

*Disclaimer: Next year’s pair will likely be exactly the same. Scenery, people, costumes and all. Sold to you as is. Demands for exchanges, substitutions or refunds will be expected, but not considered.