There are 3 levels of empathy, at which level are you?
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There are 3 levels of empathy, at which level are you? JoJo Aug 27·9 min read

There are 3 levels of empathy, at which level are you?

01 Empathy is the cause of most problems

Have you encountered any of the following things?

For example, I feel that a colleague has no sense of collaboration, and things that require him to cooperate are always delayed. For another example, I feel that the leadership is unfair, and I already work the most overtime in the department, but I continue to assign work to myself. Also, if you feel that the person you are leading is not alive, if you don’t stare at it, you won’t take the initiative to do it even if things are piled up. Furthermore, I felt that a certain customer was particularly provocative, and the plan was changed 7 or 8 times back and forth, and the project progress was delayed.

……

Such things are simply too much to mention.

In fact, most of these things are caused by lack of empathy: there are reasons for your lack of empathy, and there are reasons for others’ lack of thinking.

Why is empathy the cause of most problems?

Because people are social animals, and human society is constructed by the relationship between people. Inadequate thinking in empathy means insufficient understanding between people, and naturally it is easy to cause various problems.. Now that you know it, don’t you just have to think more about it? You might think so.

This is simple to say, but it is not so easy to do. A person’s level of empathy needs to go through at least three levels:

◆The first layer: knowing

◆The second layer: can

◆The third layer: willing or not

02 knowing

Few people think that they don’t know how to empathize. The fact is also true.

“Theory of Mind” points out that human beings are innately able to understand the mental state of themselves and the people around them by reasoning, and make responses and actions that meet social expectations based on reasoning.

An experiment conducted by Alison Gopnik, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley, and an assistant showed that we already knew that everyone wanted different things as early as 18 months. Alison and assistant Betty showed the baby two bowls of food. One bowl was filled with delicious fish biscuits, and the other bowl was filled with raw broccoli. All babies who participated in the test preferred cookies. Betty tasted the food in the two bowls. While tasting the broccoli, she said with a happy expression: “It’s delicious!” and she made a disgusted expression on the small fish biscuits and said: “It’s so horrible!” Then she put the two bowls of food in front of the baby at the same time. , Reached out to the baby and said: “Can you give me some food?” Experiments show that 14-month-old babies still naively think that everyone likes cookies, and they will pass the cookies to Betty. But the smarter 18-month-old babies will give the broccoli to Betty, even though they themselves hate broccoli. You see, when we were a one and a half-year-old baby, we were able to think in a different position.

But in fact, on many occasions we will forget to empathize. I have a friend who claims to be particularly good at empathy. But he called me several times during dinner, and each time he talked for more than an hour. Summer is okay. In winter, when we finish talking, the food will be cold, and the family has to help me reheat it. Why does he, who thinks he is good at empathy, still do such a thing of “not empathizing”? Because my family had dinner later than normal, when he called me, he had finished eating for a while, and didn’t even realize that I was actually eating.

Therefore, it is not that we don’t know the importance of empathy, but often we don’t realize that we are not actually thinking about empathy. Of course, it is definitely impossible to think empathy on all occasions, and it is not necessary. However, if we can remind ourselves to pay more attention to empathy, it will be very helpful to improve the level of communication and interpersonal relationships.

There are two effective methods:

① Make reminder signs in eye-catching places

For example, write “Don’t forget to think in another position” on the partition of the seat, on the desktop of the computer or in the calendar reminder of the mobile phone to remind yourself often.

② Do empathy every day

For example, ask yourself to do empathy at least 3 times a day, and repeat the scenes of these empathy in words every night.

Daily self-examination is also very helpful in awakening one’s sense of empathy in specific situations.

03 Can

Being able to automatically awaken the awareness of empathy in certain situations, you will have the first level of empathy (to do this, you will be ahead of at least 80% of the people). But being aware of empathy does not mean you can do well in empathy. The definition of empathy is a way of thinking about dealing with interpersonal relationships in which you put yourself into consideration for others, that is, think about what people think, and understand first.

Therefore, it is affected by at least two factors:

◆Can you think what people think?

◆Can you empathize?

1. Can you think of what people think?

When dealing with interpersonal relationships, the reason why you need to think in different places is because many times the other person’s behavior has various reasons or purposes, which may not be the same as what you think at the first time. For example, a colleague who has been procrastinating on cooperation may not have no sense of collaboration, but because the leader has assigned him a higher priority task, he has no time to deal with your affairs. For another example, the leader who keeps assigning jobs to you is not doing things unfairly, but because he has too many things on his own, and he doesn’t even know that you already have a lot of work on hand. Therefore, with the awareness of empathy, we must at least master two methods of empathy:

①5why analysis

Will use 5why, ask a few more “whys” to analyze the real reason or real purpose behind the other party’s behavior, so that you can avoid misunderstandings that you take for granted.

② Will ask questions and observe

Many times, when you use 5why to analyze, you will lack enough information, and you need to ask questions and observe the other party to get it. Through well-designed questions, through the other’s answers, and observing the other’s expressions and actions when answering the questions, we can analyze the true purpose behind the other’s behavior.

2. Can you empathize?

After analyzing the reasons behind the other’s behavior, it doesn’t mean you can feel the same. For example, if a friend of yours wants to resign from the company, you use 5why to find out the reason behind him is because he often has to work overtime and does not have time to spend time with his family. For this reason, the acceptance of different people is completely different. People who value family more than work understand it well. They will say that they can’t be with their family. What’s the use of more money? People who value their careers more will find it difficult to understand. They will say how can they do good if they don’t exceed the time investment of ordinary people? Each of us is more or less different from others, and there are many factors that cause these differences.

①Different biological differences

For example, some are boys and some are girls.

②Different growth experience

For example, some people continue to study until they graduate with a Ph.D., while others drop out of elementary school.

③Different status

For example, some are social elites and some are the bottom people.

④Differences in values

For example, some people believe in atheism, and some believe in God.

⑤Differences in knowledge structure

For example, some are experts in physics and some are writers.

All these differences make it difficult for us to truly empathize with others. For example, as a man, no matter how much you feel the same, you can’t experience the pain when a woman gives birth. In the same way, a person who pursues material enjoyment can hardly appreciate the great spiritual happiness pursued by ascetics no matter how much he feels the same. Therefore, to become a true master of empathy, one must have a wealth of experience and a relatively in-depth understanding of different types of people.

If you can think of others and empathize, you will reach the second level of empathy.

04 Willing or not

The application of empathy ultimately has four directions:

①Understand

For example, when someone drives by himself, he thinks that pedestrians are vying for the first time; when he walks, he thinks that the driver is not courteous. Empathy can make us understand each other better, increase our tolerance, and feel more comfortable.

② Make corrections

For example, if you feel that the person you are leading is not alive, if you don’t stare at it, even if things are piled up, he won’t take the initiative to do it. Through 5why analysis, I learned that the company culture is like this, and subordinates dare not make their own decisions to do things that the leader has not arranged. Therefore, you have to think in another position, sort out your work in advance, and assign clear tasks to your subordinates.

③Be guided

For example, I feel that a certain customer is particularly provocative, and a plan has been changed 7 or 8 times back and forth, and I need to continue to change it. Through 5why analysis, she learned that she would be scolded by her leader for fear of lax control. After knowing this reason, she can think about her difficulties in another way, and ask her to acquiesce in directly asking her to lead the communication plan, so that she does not have to bear the responsibility of gatekeeping.

④ Make it perfect

For example, after working hard for 5 years, you finally waited for a promotion opportunity, but a colleague who competed with you was very difficult at home and needed this opportunity even more. If you now know the real needs of this colleague and can empathize with his situation, would you allow or deny this opportunity for promotion? Most of the time, the essence of empathy is for oneself. Considering problems from the perspective of others, putting yourself in the understanding of others, the ultimate goal is to better communicate with others, or to influence others. Therefore, the application of the first three types of empathy is not a big challenge, because there is no conflict with one’s own interests, and it is even beneficial to oneself. But the fourth application “make it complete” is different, it will conflict with your interests. Once a conflict of interest occurs, you will have to face the question of whether you are willing to give in.

If you can achieve the benefit of others, you will reach the third level of empathy, that is, the “sage” level.

05 Summary

Empathy is easier said than done, but not so easy. But fortunately, as long as you can reach the level of the first level, which can automatically awaken the awareness of empathy under certain circumstances, your communication level and interpersonal relationship can be greatly improved. And to achieve the first level, you only need to persist in the replay and remind yourself for a period of time. After reaching the first level, you can take the time to challenge the second level “can” and the third level “willing or not” level.