I don’t remember the last time I penned my thoughts on my blog.
Tags: Motherhood, Baby, Poem

I don’t remember the last time I penned my thoughts on my blog. Unfiltered, raw thoughts that fluidly flowed as I typed. I miss that. So here I am, typing away, not sure where it is leading.

You expect your life to change when you begin college, when you move out of your parents’ home. You expect your life to be unrecognizable once you get married. But only after becoming a mother do you realize that none of that was even close in comparison. Sometimes I have an outer-body experience, where I can see and feel the old me; the me I have known the last 30 years. I am still the same girl; laughing, loving life. Still love Harry Potter and Friends. Still get excited for ice-cream and coffee. Other times, I see the mother that I am now. She has her own identity, her own principles, rules, burdens, feelings, thoughts, schedule. Phew. The old me has graciously moved herself to the back-burner. No regrets, no complaints. Just making room; for more of me. I have watched this motherly side of me grow and evolve in the last year and a half; almost like an adolescent finding her identity. Baby A’s first year was all about him. I didn’t want to blink an eye because that’s how quickly they grow, and watching him grow has been the best thing I have ever done in my life. Somewhere between all that, I was also growing and metamorphosing. And in today’s day and age where women are expected to go “beyond” a parental role, I have no qualms in saying that being his mom is my most favorite part of me. I have become more patient, more persistent, dedicated and kind. I feel like a whole new world has open to me; or may be it is the same world but I now wear rose-tinted glasses. Everything looks so much more beautiful. Of course, the instant you become a mom, you are already being pulled in a million ways. Apart from keeping this tiny human alive and thriving, you are expected to still be a good wife, a good daughter, daughter in law and friend. Honestly, no one but I set that expectation for myself. You just hope that you can balance it all. The truth is- there is no balance of these aspects. Some days you are a good friend, some days a good wife, but to me, none of them rely on me the way my child does right now- so sue me for saying that he is my number one priority. He won’t be this little forever, as school begins, I have to learn to share him more and more with the world- until the dreadful day arrives when, my husband and I will no longer be his world. Just a small part of it. I have accepted that- such is life as it should be. I wish he discovers his true potential and ambition without ever feeling like his parents are a burden on him. And for that, we need to set them free. But for now, I am his world and I don’t ever want to regret missing out on the sweet moments we create every single day.

I had once written a poem spur of the moment while putting him to sleep one night, it feels apt to be shared on this post, so here goes:

One day, you won’t need me to fall asleep like you do.

One day, you won’t get excited as I walk in the room

One day, you will want your own room and bed.

One day, you won’t get up in the middle of the night to wake us up and have a PJ party.

One day, i will have to compete with rest of the world to spend time with you.

One day, you will teach us things and stories we don’t yet know about..

But today is not that day.

Today, I hugged you tightly as I sung lullabies and put you to bed.

Today, I enjoyed the look on your face when I walked through the door.

Today, I got to cuddle you in the middle of the night.

Today, I soaked in the look that told me I AM your world.

And today is all that we will think about.

-Aarav’s mom.