How to Turn Your High School Bullies into Your Source of Strength
By: Andrew Cheng
Tags: Self Improvement, Spirituality, Self, Mental Health, Bullying

Fast forward 15 years later. My career had been modestly successful. I was living in a bachelor apartment with some savings in my bank account. And I was even going on dates, something I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing back when I was 16.

And yet, I was perpetually anxious. I believed every partner would leave me once they’d gotten to know me. I felt I was overpaid, despite having logged only half the overtime hours I’d worked in the previous fiscal year. As Nick Wignall lays out in his excellent article below, I exhibited all the seven signs of low self-esteem.

I hit rock bottom when my then-relationship ended in 2015. When that happened, I had an epiphany: I would never be happy in life unless I get over my high school bullies. It turned out that the psychological effects of bullying often persist into adulthood, manifesting in social difficulties, internalization problems, or anxiety.

I decided to train in Shaolin Kung Fu. I had no illusions about ever confronting my high school bullies in real life, but I needed to feel as though I could handle myself should the past play out again. More importantly, I needed to conquer the bullies who were tormenting me inside my mind.

This decision was the turning point of my life. Not only did I strengthen myself physically, but I was also fortunate enough to have a teacher who could explain Zen in such a way that made perfect sense to me. I was able to dispel many of the illusions haunting my mind — including those of my imaginary bullies.

Here’s what I learned:

1. Always strive to be better

You would always feel held back in life if you accept your weaknesses as inevitable parts of who you are. As the Stoics say, accept what you can’t control, but change what you can. One of the best ways to feel better about yourself is to identify areas in your life that you wish to improve and then act on them. For me, it was my physical strength and speed. For you, it can be your public speaking, your math skills, or your relationships. The first step to silencing the dissenting voices in your head is to take ownership of them.

2. Embrace “sucking” at first

Once you’ve taken ownership of your weaknesses, the next step is accepting that the road to improvement would be long and arduous. You’re going to “suck” at whatever skill you decided to pursue, and you’ll be “sucking” for a very long time. It took me six months to get comfortable with one of the kung fu warm-up drills. I wasn’t able to do a kip-up for a full five years.

You’re going to hear a lot of negative self-talk throughout your road to self-improvement. Treat those as imaginary incarnations of your high school bullies and push past them.

To learn more about this Ayodeji Awosika has an excellent article about getting through this phase here:

3. Accept that you can’t please everyone

Just as you wanted acceptance from your high school bullies, accept the reality that everyone is unique, with different traits and experiences. You can’t please everyone, just as there some people to whom you wouldn’t gravitate.

Stick with your goals and embrace your individuality. Treat your uniqueness as something worthy of your protection.

4. Allow yourself to be vulnerable

Once you’ve learned to accept yourself, the final step is to present your individuality with confidence. For me, it’s opening up to my Shaolin classmates. Writing this article is another step in the journey. You’re bound to find like-minded people who will help you along your journey. Leverage your personal experiences to help others. Together, you’ll form a tight-knit community that will become your source of strength throughout tough times. You are not alone.

Takeaways:

The scars of your past can haunt you even years after having left the difficult environment. If you find yourself trapped in negative self-talk, consider reaching out to your inner child to uncover the roots of your insecurity and develop a plan of action. Stay patient. You’ll get there.