How To Apologize Without Sounding Like a Jerk
By: Lisa Walton
Tags: Apology, Life Lessons, Lifehacks, Relationships, Pesonal Development

How To Apologize Without Sounding Like a Jerk

4 apologies to avoid and a simple formula for what to say instead

Photo by Sebastian Herrmann on Unsplash

I was in the grocery store when I heard a mom hiss at her son, “Apologize to your sister right now.”

I did not hear the transgression that incited the directive. But I heard the “apology” he offered. “I’m sorry you’re an evil brat,” he said. “And I’m sorry Mom likes me better.”

Ouch. I suppressed a chuckle. But I am pretty sure that apology was not what his mom had in mind.

Apologizing is Hard

It’s hard to admit you are wrong. Even if you are not an 8-year-old boy.

Many people, including most adults I know, struggle to admit their mistakes. There are several factors at play, including fear, embarrassment and pride. These emotions can make it difficult to offer a sincere and effective apology.

The purpose of an apology is to make the recipient feel better (at least in theory). But many people rush through the “I’m sorry” or even qualify it. These mumbled apologies don’t quite have the intended effect of repairing relationships.

Ineffective Apologies

Here are four common ineffective apologies that you may have heard. Or offered. (It’s okay, this is a judgement-free zone).

The Empty Apology

“I’m sorry. I said I was sorry. What more do you want from me?”

This apology feels insincere. It has no substance. It’s the apology you offer when you think the other person is wrong. Without elaboration, “I’m sorry,” does little to smooth ruffled feathers.

The Deflected Apology.

“I’m sorry that this happened.” Or, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

In the deflected apology, you refrain from taking the blame for hurting someone. You blame the circumstances or even the person you are apologizing to. If it weren’t for their misunderstanding, oversensitive nature, unreasonable expectations, etc… there wouldn’t have been any harm.

The Denial.

“I’m sorry, but it wasn’t my fault.” Or, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I’m sorry if I did.”

The denial also deflects blame. Some people are too stubborn to admit they are wrong. Others get hung up on past grievances, perceived slights, and minor annoyances. Whatever the reason, the denial refuses to accept responsibility.

The Excessive Apology

“Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. I can’t believe I did that. I am so, so, so, so sorry. What can I do to make it up to you? Will you ever forgive me? I am so sorry.”

At first glance, the excessive apology seems well-intentioned. You feel so badly about your actions you grovel for forgiveness. But the excessive apology also diverts attention from your inappropriate behavior. It puts the focus on your feelings.

Apologies like this do little to make the other person feel better.

The 4 Step Apology

A sincere apology is important if you want to maintain good relationships. Apologizing properly shows empathy and respect for the other person’s point of view. It shows self-awareness and a desire to change.

Luckily, it is easy to apologize gracefully. Here is a simple 4 step apology designed to help both parties move past a transgression.

I am sorry for… It was wrong because… In the future, I will… Will you forgive me?

Step 1:

In the first step, you identify what you did wrong. This shows you understand why the other person feels upset. You should be as specific as possible.

Step 2:

In step two, you acknowledge why the thing you did was wrong. This is probably the most important step because it shows understanding.

Step 3:

In the third step, you state how you will act better next time. You should use positive language and focus on what you will do differently.

Step 4:

The last step is to ask for forgiveness. But this only works after you have completed steps one through three.

Here’s an example:

“I’m sorry I was forty-five minutes late for dinner. It was rude and disrespectful. In the future, I will set an alarm to remind me when it’s time to leave. And I will text you if I am running late. Will you forgive me?”

If you had admitted you were wrong, shown that you know why, and committed to doing better, it is likely that you will receive the forgiveness you are seeking.