Big Little Dream
By: Ks Copeland
Tags: Self Love, Life, Relationships, Self-awareness, Personal Development

Photo by Yohann Lc on Unsplash

I believe in dreams — not those about reaching for the stars or striving to make a better world. No, I believe dreams send messages. Messages that have been given to us time after time but we have refused to heed them. Our instincts are always right. They are rarely trusted.

It took a dream to make me finally let go of a destructive relationship. One that ended a long time ago. One that lasted over ten years. One that did me more harm than good. And one that I could not get out of my head — ever.

The dream was long and clear. I remember every detail. The reason I can remember every detail is that it was simply a rerun of the relationship, in all its sadness. Initially, I felt loved and cared for. But as it wore on, small events made me feel bad. I ignored them and soldiered on. I found all kinds of excuses for the other’s bad behavior. The ill-treatment, the cheating, the temper tantrums could be justified, in my mind, by a difficult childhood, a stressful lifestyle, an inability to demonstrate feelings, and more. I consulted Tarot card readers who assured me that the relationship was good and solid — after much strife, we would eventually live happily ever after.

Often, I would be told that I was this or that. Not understanding the meaning of “this” or “that”, I would ignore the insults. Because they were insults. Not vaguely veiled insults. I was just too blind to understand them. I was so in love and gullible that I desperately looked up certain words in the dictionary. But even printed in black and white, I was unable to understand their meaning. Until this time.

In the dream, a presentation was to be given to an important audience in a foreign city. I had been asked to attend. I was elated, thinking this was at long last proof that the relationship was real, true, and loving. As usual, I prepared in a rush of feel-good hormones — those that make you see everything in a positive light. I watched the presentation with some people I knew. It was a huge success. After, I expected some acknowledgment of my presence. Of my being, to say the least.

There was no verbal communication. Simply a back turned away from me. Turned only towards the audience’s accolades. That was the message that finally got through. Once again, my status was confirmed. I was merely a cog in the machine that kept the other’s ego well oiled. I was nothing but another tool, always available to receive punishment in any way that would give the other pleasure and self-esteem. I wasn’t so much a tool but a toy to be played with. A tool would have been given more respect.

Sadly, I realized that I had meant nothing to myself either. No dignity. No self-love. No excuses for my behavior — only for that of the other. And the tears. So many. Drowned in alcohol to the point of no longer having a life other than obsessing with this excuse for a relationship. But it was a relationship. And I had read enough books on the subject to know that it was not healthy. My eyes would just not open.

The dream made me see that the relationship had true meaning for one person only: me.

I asked for directions for my way back. The directions were so complicated that I had to write them down. It would take me hours to get back. But it had always taken me hours to get back, whether physically or emotionally. More than hours. Days and weeks.

I did not say goodbye.