We’re Waiting For A Ghost
By: Timothy O'Neill
Tags: Short Story, Fiction, Pain, Drugs, Relationships

We’re Waiting For A Ghost

A short story

“You want to do a line?” Kai passed the plate to Emmanuel. Emmanuel looked down at the four even lines of white powder lying next to a rolled up hundred. Because with Kai it always had to be a hundred.

“I think I need to feel it,” Emmanuel replied, passing the plate back.

“Is that the type of shit you’re learning in your groups?”

“Yeah.”

“But sometimes you have to give your mind and spirit a break though, don’t you? Get recharged so you can work even harder?”

“Are you my friend or are you the fucking devil?”

Kai laughed.

“It’s the coke. Sorry, man. I just want you to feel better. And this makes us feel better. Voila, problem solved.”

“And then morning rolls around and I’m anxious and depressed and paranoid and my jaw is sore from all the teeth grinding.”

“True, true. But just one line to get you right. It hurts me to see you like this.”

“Fine.”

Emmanuel walked over to where Kai was sitting, stuck the bill so far up his right nostril that he was touching the back of his eye, then leaned over and snorted two lines.

“Better, right?”

“Yeah, I feel better. But she still ended it, and that reality is waiting for me just outside this fog.”

Kai shook his head and did the other two lines.

“You’re a real buzz kill, you know that?”

“I appreciate that you want to make me feel better, but I’ve been wounded, man, and no amount of powders or pills can touch that wound.”

“That’s deep.”

“It is deep.”

Kai jumped off the couch and started pacing back and forth, scratching his head with both hands.

“So what can we do? How can we make the healing happen? Because it’s going to happen tonight, dude, one way or the other.”

Emmanuel leaned back in his chair. Cocaine never amped him up for reasons no one could explain. This had almost caused deals to go drastically wrong in the past. He had gone to a guy’s house with his cousin to pick up an eight ball and his cousin wanted him to test a line. Emmanuel went ahead and blew a line and felt…relaxed. His cousin had pulled out his 9mm and pointed it at the bemused dealer.

“Trying to fuck us over bro? What’s in there? Is it fent?”

The dealer swore it was just coke and powdered milk. But mostly coke.

“If I snort a line and it doesn’t rock me then I’m going to put one in your dome, you hear me?”

“Yeah, yeah, I hear you.”

“Good. Here, Em, hold this.” He passed his pistol to Emmanuel who took it in shaking hands.

His cousin snorted a line and then pressed one nostril closed while he sucked up as much as he could. He let out a grown.

“Give me that fucking gun, Em.” He grabbed his piece back from a stunned Emmanuel.

“No, please. Please don’t. You can have an extra eight ball. On the house.”

“Fuck that. I’m in the clouds right now. This shit is for real. Emmanuel, what the fuck is wrong with you, man?”

He had no idea. He just knew that cocaine relaxed him. He could snort a couple lines and then hop in bed and go to sleep. This had actually happened. It didn’t mean he found cocaine unpleasant. He rather enjoyed its warmth and its clarity, but he looked at the energy others got from it with envy.

Natalie had told him that he was a frivolous person. That cut deep, because he knew exactly what she meant and he knew she was right.

“I don’t take you seriously, Emmanuel,” she had said, “because you don’t take yourself seriously. I was willing to put up with the shyness and the self-deprecation for a while because I saw all these other bright and shiny qualities in you, but you squandered those so you could remain a child in an adult world. I’m ending it, Emmanuel.”

“No, Natalie. Please. We can work through this.”

“Would you change for me?”

“Should I have to?”

“I suppose not. And that’s why I have to go.”

Emmanuel looked up and saw that Kai’s face was inches away from his own. His pupils were dilated, his cheeks were flushed and he was chewing on the inside of his cheeks.

“Taking a trip down memory lane?”

“Yeah. Could you give me some space, man?”

“Sure, sure.”

Kai backed up and stood with his hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels.

“Kai, do you think I’m a frivolous person?”

“Frivolous?”

“Shallow. Not serious. Without value.”

“No fucking way. Is that what she said to you?”

“Yep. And it stings, man. It really stings.”

“But you know yourself better than she knows you. Maybe she was, what do they call it, projecting, that it’s it, maybe she was projecting her own shit onto you.”

“Unlikely, but possible.”

“Coke makes me a genius.”

Emmanuel chuckled and leaned back in his chair.

“Nah, nah, don’t do that. No more bad memories. Let’s go out and create some new ones. You got a mask with you?”

He checked the pocket of his jeans.

“Got one.”

“Cool. Let’s go.”

Unfortunately there weren’t many places to go. It was past 9 pm and no one was out in the bitter cold. Kai drove them around for a while, pulling over every now and again to snort a line.

“Keep your eyes open,” he said.

“Will do,” replied Emmanuel.

Kai stayed on the sideroads and eventually they happened upon a group of five or six guys without masks standing on the corner by a playground, laughing and pushing each other playfully as they passed two joints around. Kai rolled down the window and Emmanuel slunk down in his chair so he couldn’t be seen.

“Hey. A little fucking cold, isn’t it fellas?”

“Shut your stupid ass up and move along.”

“Snort a line. This shit’ll change your life.”

“You five oh?”

Kai took out the plate and blew two lines.

“Nope.”

“Yo, cut a few of those up for me and the boys.”

“I will. But first tell me what you guys are doing out here when its zero fucking degrees.”

“We’re waiting for a ghost. Isn’t that right fellas?”

They all nodded.

Kai shrugged and cut seven neat lines. One by one the guys approached the window and snorted a line. Then they wanted more. The de facto leader held them back.

“That was just to keep us straight. We need to be ready for when it comes. Hey who you got with you in there?”

Emmanuel raised his head and gave a half-hearted wave.

“I thought you were going to kill us, so I was hiding.”

The man laughed.

“At least you’re honest, pal.”

“Alright, good luck with everything,” Kai said.

“Yeah, yeah, good looking out my man.”

They shook hands and Kai pulled off.

“What. The. Fuck. Was. That.”

Kai shrugged. “This is what you need to learn, Em. You can’t go around being afraid of the world. You have to engage with it. It’s not as scary as you think it is. Most of the time.”

“I miss Natalie.”

“She was a cool chick. Are you still friends on Facebook?”

“No idea. Haven’t check it in weeks.”

“Time to accept and move on.”

“What did they mean about the ghost?”

“None of our damn business. This is why you would get killed in prison. You can’t stand up for yourself and you’re too nosey. Let it be, brother. Sometimes you just gotta let it be.”

They drove on in silence until they saw a young woman pushing a stroller crossing the street ahead of them. Kai rolled his window down again.

“You’re going to kill that kid, lady!”

“She’s all wrapped up. She’s fine, thanks for your concern, though.”

Kai shook his head reprovingly and rolled his window back up.

“What happened to letting it be?”

“It’s different with kids. Adults do adult shit and you leave them alone. Kids are everyone’s responsibility.”

“That’s a dangerous thought.”

“Just how I see it. Could give a flying fuck if it’s dangerous. We live in a community, after all, don’t we?”

Kai had a point, but it still didn’t sit right with Emmanuel for some reason. He wouldn’t want every adult parenting his child. If he had a child. Was that sensible or was that territorial? He shook it free from his mind. They had made it to the highway.

“North or south?”

“North. I want to see some mountains.”

“Good man.”

It took them two hours, but eventually they hit the White Mountains of New Hampshire. The heater was on, but Emmanuel imagined himself breathing in their rich, earthy smell. He had grown up in a small town in New Hampshire and couldn’t go more than six months without visiting the mountains. They were a lifeline when everything else in his life was falling apart. They were tall, broad, sober and majestic. Strong and stoic. They radiated age and wisdom and were the closest to permanence this world would ever get. The mountains were here before him and they would be here after he moved on. There was peace in that.

They drove until they hit Mount Washington and then they pulled over. Kai did two more lines. Emmanuel did one more to stay focused on what was in front of him.

“It’s closed,” Emmanuel said.

“Yeah no shit. We’re just going to take a peek though.”

“Really?”

“Come on.”

They trudged through the snow and found a break in the gate where they could slip through undetected. This was more exercise than Emmanuel had gotten in months. He felt like his lungs were going to freeze up on him.

They walked to the base of the mountain and stared up.

“Shit,” Kai muttered.

“It’s beautiful.”

“I want to climb it.”

“We don’t have enough coke.”

Kai leaned over and kissed the rock.

“I’m coming back for you, baby.”

Emmanuel looked up at the clear sky free of light pollution and was amazed at the sheer volume of stars shining down on him. The glittering dome of heaven had never looked so bright. Then he looked at the mountain and put his hand against the rock and tried to pick up on its vibrations.

“What are you telling me?”

Let go

“Yo man, you mind driving us back? I’m starting to come down and I’m freaking out a little bit.”

“Yeah definitely. Do you want to stop and grab a drink or anything?”

“Nah, I just need to get back to my place and pop a couple Valium and crash hard.”

“Is this shit worth it?”

“It all depends. If you can stand to do it once in a blue moon and you can sleep it off and get back to your old self then props to you. Go for it. If you have it once and then keep chasing it you’re in for a bad fucking time. Especially if you’ve already got depression or anxiety. Shit will fuck with your head.”

Kai lied down in the back seat and started cracking his knuckles and rapping along to music only he could hear.

It was 5 am by the time Emmanuel had arrived at his own house.

“We’re here,” he announced. “You good to drive home?”

Kai got out on unsteady legs and patted Emmanuel on the shoulder.

“I got this.”

Emmanuel maneuvered around him and Kai hopped into the driver’s seat.

“Thanks for coming by, Kai. I had a good night, tonight.”

“No problem, my man. Just don’t mention her name to me ever again, okay?”

“Deal.”

“Good man. Good man.”

“Text me when you get back.”

“Really?”

“Please?”

“Alright, alright. Catch you later, Em.”

Emmanuel made his way into his house, closing the door gingerly behind him He slipped up the stairs and made a B line to his bedroom. He took out his phone and waited for Kai to text him. He saw that he had one new message. It was from Natalie. His heart skipped a beat. He opened it.

Hey. Can we talk?

He replied:

When?

His phone rang. He covered the ringer with his thumb and pressed ANSWER.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Emmanuel.”

“It’s early, Natalie.”

“I can’t sleep. I’ve been thinking about us.”

Kai’s message came through.

Safe and sound, brother. Enjoy your nap.

“Either choose me or lose me, Emmanuel.”

“That’s blackmail. That’s manipulation. I won’t be bullied by you, Natalie. My cats show me more affection than you ever did.”

“You’re so angry. Why are you so angry?”

“Because you’re a bright girl who says stupid things and expects the world to nod along with her.”

“Ouch, Emmanuel.”

“What were you expecting from this call?”

“I was in pain, I am in pain, and I was hoping to hear from a friend. But I guess we’re not friends.”

“I lack a moral compass. I’m selfish. I’m angry. My monkey mind has control over me. I’m purely guided by my desires and my whims. I’m a frivolous person.”

“It wasn’t my place to judge you.”

“And it still isn’t.”

“I hurt you and now you want to hurt me. But I don’t take it personally. I know you’re upset.”

Emmanuel took the phone away from his ear and set it down on his lap. He took a couple deep breaths to compose himself and then responded with the words that would change his life forever.

“I thought you loved me, but you loved your image of me. That was emasculating. I love you, Natalie, I always will, but I am no friend of yours. You didn’t choose me so you’ve lost me. Forever.”

He could hear her crying.

“Too much. Too much.”

“Jesus, Natalie, I didn’t mean-”

“Too much, Emmanuel.”

“I could come see you.”

She laughed a bitter laugh.

“No. I wouldn’t want to emasculate you again.”

“We both have to move on. There are plenty of other people out there for both of us.”

“That’s your folly, Emmanuel. You always thought it was about finding the right person.”

“It’s not?”

“No. It’s about finding someone you can work with. Someone who respects you. Someone who is willing to rub your back after an argument. Someone who is humble enough to admit when they’re wrong. Someone who can help you up the mountain, not because your movements sync up, but because you share the same goal and work just as hard as each other. I wanted to see if you were willing to work, Emmanuel. Willing to change. I should have taken ‘no’ for an answer.”

“We don’t share the same goal. You want romance. I want a best friend.”

“And I can’t be that?”

“No.”

“Goodbye, Emmanuel.”

“Goodbye, Natalie.”

He tapped END and hooked his phone up to the charger. He had thought he could get a couple hours of sleep before he had to get up, but now he was too wound up.

Choose me or lose me. Who says that? How do you go about demonstrating that you had indeed made that choice? Did the other party get to be the sole arbiter? It was strange. Very strange.

All of a sudden he wanted another line of coke very badly. He lay back in bed and tried to rest his eyes.

One line from the night kept ringing in his ear:

We’re waiting for a ghost