I am a Quitter
Tags: Crisis, Therapy, Self Care, Millennials, Life Lessons

I’ve been in therapy since last September. I knew I need it for a very long time but refused to try, mostly due to economical reasons. A new pair of jeans worth the price, but not my mental health, until… this happened.

I guess is natural for older generations to criticize and blame the younger ones, therefore I grew up listening to my parents, bosses, and coworkers complaining about how we millennial are so dramatic, selfish and quitters. There are so many other characteristics that I really identify with, but not these ones. I always knew -thought I knew- where I wanted to be and did my best -maybe not- to reach all my dreams. I followed all the marked steps, get a degree, find a job, make some money, find a partner… get married? have kids?… Is this even what I really wanted?

I started getting doubts about who I was, what I wanted and how I felt. I stopped liking all the special things that I thought made me special. My job started to suck, the routine and the lack of challenges finally got me, I was tired of all the people around, including my dearest friends and family. I didn’t like the way I looked, I became sedentary due to my injured knees and gained a lot of weight. All the things I was doing were automatic, not passionate, and I felt useless cause yes, I was depressed.

I decided to get a new job, I thought this would mean a refreshing challenge for me. I would try different methods, be surrounded by new and interesting people, and make this a renewed chapter that would help me redefine myself. After a year I was more depressed than ever. But why? Because I was doing exactly the same, I just switched to a different -not better- environment. Same responsibilities, same function, same operationally, same frustration.

What do I have to do? Quit my job and be what? My professional experience limited me to keep on jumping into the same pit again and again. Try a different field? How? I didn’t have any knowledge, and if I got lucky and get a junior position the payment wouldn’t be enough. Enough for what? To keep on living in an apartment I didn’t like, to keep on paying a gym membership I didn’t use. Getting back living with my dysfunctional family wasn’t an option. No, I couldn’t. I couldn’t be that stereotype, that “dramatic, selfish and quitter”. I couldn’t be a quitter.

So I pushed myself to the limits. On a Saturday I seated down in my old sofa disposed to not stand up -literally- until I knew what I needed and wanted to do with my life. I spent all day looking for personality and vocational test, maybe I was meant to be an engineer or a doctor… is it too late to go back to school I thought? The worst part was the results, apparently, I wasn’t in the wrong path considering my aptitudes and skills, I was doing the right thing… Why the hell I felt so unsatisfied then?

I had a breakdown, of course, I did, a real one, physical. All my face, neck and back muscles contracted, I couldn’t move, it hurt so much. I wasn’t able to even open my mouth, chewing was a nightmare. I got sleep deprived, ten nights in a row. I cried and punched myself, asking me to please stop, to be o.k., to get better. I got sleeping pills prescribed but didn’t rest. I had another breakdown, of course, I did, a real one, mental. I wanted to kill myself, I couldn’t resist more pain and anxiety to be in peace, to be back to normal, in calm.

It was my 28th birthday, my boyfriend bought me a cake and took me out to have dinner, my friends at work decorated my desk and got me some presents, My mom called me and said I was getting old, my brother called and said that he loved me, I think he had never said it before. I was so vulnerable that started crying after I listened to him saying those words, I was ashes. I needed help, I needed to truly find myself, not in the outside, but the inside.

So, here I am. After five months I’ve come upon some things that I wasn’t seeing clearly. I’m still discovering. I don’t have all the answers yet, it even seems to be more issues than I thought, but I’m getting into them. Unfortunately, there are some physical side effects that I got and became chronic after the breakdowns, and now I have to learn to live with them because there is no real treatment. Somehow, they remind me to take care of myself, to appreciate that I’m alive and able to live, to take my time to restore my body and mind, and mostly, to be patient.

I am more aware of my needs than ever, so this is a new road of self-care where I’ll try to find what makes me happy and let it happen, without the pressure of thinking that I’m a dramatic, selfish and quitter of the world that I don’t want.