The Far White
Tags: Humour

It is an unfortunate fact that, despite living in the 21st century, prejudice is all around us. Whether it’s the colour of someone’s skin, their sex, or the person they love, many people around the world are experiencing discrimination for no good reason. There are even reports of increasing reports of Homerphobia, which is characterised by a general hostility to ancient Greek poetry. Indeed, prejudice is so wide ranging that discrimination is more or less indiscriminate.

Perhaps we should have more sympathy for racists. Improved scientific understanding now makes clear that there is precisely zero evidence for any meaningful differences between races, making the task of racists more and more challenging. Even Adolf Hitler, who won gold for all round racism at the 1936 Olympics, was helped by the performance enhancing environment of high levels of scientific ignorance on matters of genetics and race. Racism can no longer be fueled by ignorance, and therefore has to rest purely on hatred. It’s exhausting for the poor racists, who are starting to feel like a persecuted minority.

Thankfully supporters of racism have found hope in Donald Trump, a man who doesn’t so much dog whistle to racists, as offer them open and explicit encouragement. The Far Right were sceptical at first, on account of Trump’s insistence on caking his beautiful white skin with fake tan. However, he was able to win their trust with an important speech in 2016, in which he said “I have a dream that you will judge my racist credentials not by the dubious colour of my skin, but by the content of my twitters characters.” At a subsequent press conference Trump became visibly emotional, saying that he was sick and tired of being judged unfairly, and that he just wanted to be accepted as the petty minded bigot that he is.

The Trump presidency has been a high point for the racist cause, and there have been a number of violent incidents involving Neo Nazis and Civil Rights protesters. However, whilst the Neo Nazis have shown great enthusiasm, they have been wary of conflicts in places that might compromise their pasty skin tone. One prominent Neo Nazi stated in 2018 that we are “not willing to fight them on the beaches”, but did demonstrate a willingness to compromise when he went on to “unless there are considerable shady areas, and someone is willing to help me apply sun cream to my back.” Antifa have shown their radical side by teasing them about this mercilessly, and even threatening to subject members of the Far Right to tanning salons.

Should the police be defunded? Should statues of individuals associated with slavery be toppled? Most importantly, should we have a black James Bond? Progressives argue that a black James Bond is absolutely fitting for the 21st century, resulting more conservative thinkers to feel both shaken and stirred.

To be fair, these defenders of the status quo may have a point. On this matter, it is best to see James Bond as the 21st century Jesus. Whilst Jesus was a Middle Eastern Jew with a dark complexion, he is now often portrayed as having very pale skin. Is this a miracle, perhaps similar to the turning of water into wine? Sadly not. Instead this is a classic case of political correctness gone mad. During the Middle Ages progressive Europeans starting to say things like: “Why does it matter what colour Jesus is?” and “Jesus can change with the times”. Society caved into to these demands, and the world is now rife with highly implausible white statues of Jesus.

No wonder have lived in such turbulent times ever since: God’s beautiful coloured son has been whitewashed, and he’s fucking livid! Perhaps the racists are correct are all: ‘White lies matter’.