ugly manifesto
By: Lisa, ㄹㅅ
Tags: Racism, Beauty, Sexism, Diary, Looks

how do i feel? how does anyone feel?

i feel, these days, an utter and bone-deep boredom. every day is the same. i go to work not far from here, come home, and lie in bed with moomie cat. my teeth continue to get worse and bother me and i can’t eat almost anything without feeling discomfort in my teeth and jaw. on top of that, i feel ugly every time i look in the mirror because my nose is too big and wide with big nostrils. my face is unsophisticated and uneven looking. i’m an ugly girl and who wants to be an ugly girl? ugly girls are invisible girls.

it’s not like i have a disability or anything, so i can’t even get points for that. people don’t care about ugly girls who have no disabilities. they’re expected to work and keep their head down, just like any other pretty girl, and not complain about getting treated as inferiors.

people are pretty obvious when you look at them. uglier people are nicer, almost too nice, overeager to please and always quick to say sorry. they apologize before having done anything wrong. they go out of their way to help others. prettier and good-looking people are the opposite — they are the first to ask for help and attention and to take the initiative in getting their needs taken care of, their desires. they are the first to dodge too much responsibility. they care about themselves first. pretty and good-looking people have confidence.

it’s pretty obvious that this is the relationship that fuels society and that much of modern american society is built on. who would the queen ant be without all her lil worker ants?

it’s not that i’m ugly — what bothers me is that i feel like my face doesn’t reflect my personality. i’m not messy and unrefined — i’m actually kinda OCD and perfectionistic, and i’m upset that my nose doesn’t reflect that. my nose doesn’t look like that of a sophisticated person.

i’m tired of being self-conscious of my looks — it always goes up and down and i feel tired that i have to face this head on every day. every day it’s an uphill fight to convince myself otherwise, to make myself feel better about my face. and even though i do convince myself to look at the bright side by the end of the day, it’s so tiring to have to do that every day. over and over. to argue every day. i like my face, but what good is it if others don’t?

my nose will never change. i’ll always be disappointed sometimes by how i look. i look in the mirror with such expectations and i am always disappointed. i look expecting to see what i see on tv or in other people’s selfies on instagram. who profits the most from taking pictures of themselves other than pretty girls?

i think of all the men i might go on blind dates with or tinder dates with and i think of how disappointed they’ll be by how i look.

men want pretty women, hot women, slim or curvy women, with big boobs and slender waists and long limbs.

men want women with pretty faces.

women are products, objects of desire, objects judged on appearance, and the prettier the girl, the higher the value and quality.

ugly girls are low-quality, cheap products.

no one wants them.

even women want to be friends with pretty and attractive women. pretty women make friends with other pretty women. it supports their self-esteem and gives them confidence.

i’ve heard women say this — that they don’t like ugly girls and want to make friends with pretty girls only. they don’t like seeing ugly girls on tv.

my nose will only get bigger with time because that’s what noses do.

an ugly girl and a pretty girl can do the same thing, but the pretty girl will get anywhere from 10 to 100 times more attention and credit for it.

this is a simple truth of the earth and society, currently.

i don’t know why that is debated or not pointed out.

and by saying these things, i am not being negative or even self-interested. i could make this judgment as an outsider, completely neutral, as neither a pretty nor ugly girl. it’s not just about me but also about other people.

it’s simply the world we live in.

and i’m not saying it can’t be changed and i’m not saying that everyone’s like this or that there aren’t successful not conventionally pretty women.

i guess i am just giving my opinion and what i see as the current state of the world.

i’m not even making a judgment either way.

‘is this world that i described good or bad?

is it good that it is this way?

is it bad?

i mean, in order to be positive, you have to believe the world can change/is changing. if you believe the world can be changed, you have to first admit there is a problem.

i want to be positive, but i don’t know how to be positive without stating what i think is the obvious first.

but maybe privileging prettiness is something that’ll always exist. people often talk about imagining a world without racism or sexism and say that one day it’ll come. but they never say anything about a world without judging people on appearance and privileging a certain standard of looks. is that because they believe those things aren’t problems, the way racism and sexism, etc, are? ie. racism and sexism and etc-isms are bad and wrong and results of some sort of trauma, ie. something going wrong, whereas looks-ism is really just natural and innate and a part of human nature and the species’ journey here on planet earth.

ie. racism and sexism can be helped but looks-ism cannot.

ie. judging people on race and gender and etc are bad, but there’s nothing morally wrong with judging someone on their looks. people do it all the time. it’s normal and natural and part of the fabric of society. people of all groups, including minorities, judge on looks all the time. therefore, it is an okay thing.

is that true? are they different things?

i don’t know. i’m asking.

i guess it’s more a matter of severity — people get killed sometimes because of those -isms, though obviously there are more everyday encounters as well, whereas being not pretty just gives you mild depression and low-self esteem for much of your life.