I Spent the First 6 Months of my Son’s Life Quarantined with Him. Here are 10 lessons I Learned
By: Mark Lee
Tags: Fatherhood, Baby, Advice, Marriage, Quarantine

A quick guide to surviving those first overwhelming months

A happy baby in these hard times

In March of this year, I took paternity leave from my job in China to join my wife in Taiwan for the birth of my son, Atticus (nicknamed “Atti” by family). Because of the pandemic, the hospital’s policy was that newborns had to be in quarantine for the first five days of his life. We were not allowed to touch him or even be in the same room as him. Looking at him through the glass reminded me of a zoo. He was on display, and we were desperate to give him our warmth and our hearts. We did eventually get to take him home, and the following two weeks, we pledged to make up for lost time.

Three weeks later, my leave had ended and I was expected to return to work. The day before I my flight, the Chinese government closed their border to foreigners in response to the COVID-19 pandemic. My flight was cancelled. I have been with my son and wife since then, living in my mother-in-law’s house, working digitally while learning to be a good father. In the last month, however, China eased some restrictions on foreigners returning; as a result, I was recalled back to work and I flew back to China. As I sit in my designated hotel room going through my mandatory 2-week quarantine, I finally have some time to reflect on my last six months as a father.

I hope that some of these tips will help those of you who are about to become parents. They have certainly been hard-learned lessons for me and my family:

1. Be efficient with your time

I have spent my teaching and administrative career, spanning the last decade, working at boarding schools, easily spending 90+ hours a week in my classroom and office. My wife, whom I have known since 2012, has been understanding of my work habits, though she often half-jokes that work is my mistress. These long work hours are no longer good enough now as a parent (and likely weren’t even healthy before I became a parent).

Since Atti’s birth, I have reevaluated what giving 100% to a job actually entails. If you are in a position of leadership as I am, chances are high that you have employees who are looking for more chances to stand out and contribute. Share ideas with them, give them a chance to head certain projects, and allow them to join you in accomplishing the mission each day. Teamwork makes the dream work, after all, and this collaboration will benefit everyone in time.

If you are not in a leadership position, control what you can control, and know when to walk away each day. If you worked in the office from 6 am to 8 pm each day, as I have, follow the advice of Laura Vanderkam in her book Off the Clock: keep a detailed log recording how you spend your time while at work and home. I did so for a week, and it allowed me to find opportunities to be more deliberate with my time. I also looked back at my past calendars to evaluate how I managed my time previously.

What this review taught me, and what was reinforced through my digital work these last several months, was that too much of my work time had been spent in informal conversations and in too many meetings that ran overtime. This is a hot topic in books on management and business, as well as countless articles. In a 2017 article from Harvard Business Review, the authors argue that “every minute spent in a wasteful meeting eats into time for solo work that’s equally essential for creativity and efficiency.” As I have been forced to rely on emails and messages instead of in-person meetings, I have been rewarded with more hours for the work I need to do and with more meaningful family time.

Also, the number of distractions in the form of random conversations with co-workers in the hallways or in the offices of senior managers were gone. While the comradery with fellow employees that could be gained from these talks has to be replaced in other ways, I found myself much more productive on accomplishing big-picture tasks. I had no company lunchroom to eat lunch in, so I saved time there. I kept a designated time for emails, and avoided checking it during projects I was working on. This, again, led to more productive time with work and family.

2. You don’t have to know everything beforehand

Parenting books, magazines, and websites offer an infinite amount of advice to any scared parent-to-be. Certainly I did lots of reading of all the books I could get my hands on and listened to all the parenting podcasts I could cram into my schedule, but my wife did very little. Guess what? When my son was born, I forgot most of what I had read and heard, whereas my wife waited to read articles until she had to troubleshoot various baby issues as they occurred. She used YouTube videos to compare items like strollers and car seats (and how to install them! They are quite tricky). She asked pointed questions of friends and her sisters who recently had kids, and a simple Google search revealed more info, and more quickly, than my flipping through pages of various books did.

3. Don’t feel like you have to buy everything you need before the baby is born

The “must buy” lists found on the internet are quite intimidating, especially if you are living on a budget and don’t want to charge everything to credit cards. In our case, we also live overseas, and some items that are familiar to Western families are not easy to find in Asia. We feared not, though. It is important to remember that the same shops that were available before the baby was born, will still be there after. Don’t yet have a stroller? Don’t have baby clothes beyond newborn size? Don’t have bottles yet? It’s not the end of the world. Want to know what you should have on hand right away? Check out this article here for some helpful advice. The list of essential “must have” items is not nearly as extensive as you may think.

4. Babies will feed on your emotions

The first several weeks of Atti’s life, my wife and I were exhausted, snappy at each other, confused about what to do when he cried, and overall just completely overwhelmed. We noticed something, though. As the weeks went by, and Atti spent more time awake, he smiled when we did, and laughed when we did. One morning we had a real moment of clarity. we were arguing about something in front of him (surely something petty), and he screamed and kicked in ways he hadn’t before.

To test this hypothesis, later that same day, during playtime, I pretended to cry in front of him, a real acting job. It worked, and Atticus cried when I did. He rolled over onto his back and let out a series of monster wails. It took 10 minutes to calm him down. The next day, my wife did the same, and so did he.

If you want a happy baby, it is important to smile often, and celebrate every small accomplishment with them. Clap for every bite they take of solid food; for every push they make when learning to crawl; and even for every splash they make in the bathtub. If you want a calmer baby, try your best to exude a sense of calm as well. These early months are formative ones in establishing your baby’s personality.

Now, I realize that this rule is not firm; colic is a real condition affecting approximately 20% of all babies. It shows up as frequent and intense crying for seemingly no reason, and it causes great frustration upon already drained parents. Its causes and symptoms are many, and the treatments are varied and not guaranteed to calm the baby by any means. It does get better, though. I also realize that newborns with cognitive or physical impairments also face many additional concerns that no amount of smiling or singing can fix.

5. Embrace the silliness

You should see having a newborn as a time to set aside any pride or insecurities you have about being judged in public. In the last several months, I have had to come to terms with my own low self-confidence and some social anxieties that I have faced in the past. I had to get over that quickly when I had my son. You will have to change diapers in public, and, depending on how well you secured the diaper, you may have to change out clothing (baby’s and maybe even yours!). If you’re breastfeeding, you will likely have to breastfeed in public at some point, seemingly at the most inconvenient time, like in a non-baby friendly shop, while on public transit, or in a park with no public restroom. You will have to deal with an inconsolably crying baby, and people around you will not always be so understanding of your situation. I empathize with you, and more people will than you think in these moments.

Embracing the silliness is one way to stay calm in any situation with your baby. Some of the most fun I have had with Atti include nonsensical songs that I make up to sing to him for any number of activities. There is the “diaper change” song; the “take bath” song; the “change clothes” song; the “go to sleep” song; and many other songs made up in the moment. And, of course, with each song comes the accompanying impromptu dance. They work, though! He smiles, coos, and calms down so that I can finish whatever task I need to do without his panicking. Believe me, putting a diaper on a restless, squirmy baby is a promise of a messy disaster later. Offering these songs up gives Atti the awareness of what I am about to do. It keeps him more comfort and a sense of routine that is important for his temperament.

6. Assign roles for you and your partner

Knowing that there was only so much I could do to help with the midnight and 3 am feedings my wife had to do in the beginning, I still had to find ways to help. Early conversations with my wife were valuable in our establishing roles that each of us could do. I was assigned diaper, bath, and laundry duties, as well as formula-making and water heating. Also, it’s unnecessary for both of us to stroll Atti around the neighborhood each time so if one of you needs some time off for a long shower or a short nap, take advantage of this opportunity here.

Also, I found that in the daytime I was the best first responder to the bassinet when Atti cried himself awake, and at night, since the need was always a feeding, my wife responded first.

Though I still fell miserably short of finding my fair share of roles, it did help that we had that early conversation to figure out who would be responsible for what. It got us off to a much better start.

7. Anticipate your baby’s boredom

From very early on, parents should be able to distinguish between the types of cries. Usually, babies cry for three reasons: they are hungry; they are sleepy; or they are bored. The first two are easier to notice and remedy. The third one is more difficult.

To anticipate this boredom, there are easy steps to take that should do the trick. In the stroller, in the car seat, and on the floor where you set your baby down, place different items that baby can safely manipulate, touch, and put in their mouth, because, believe me, everything they can touch will go into their mouths. Also, don’t expect that the toys you spent the most money on will be their favorites, so prepare for the idea that they will love random items. Among my son’s favorite items is a plastic water bottle.

I had the idea, because of movies, that baby would love being read to very early on, but this is not a reality for us. He’s too squirrely. He would rather chew on the book or tear out the pages than be read to. So, to keep him engaged, we give him one item at a time for 10–15 minutes, and then change the item out for another. We also change his location often, from the bed to the floor of the bedroom, then to the living room, then to outside.

8. Rent, buy used, or borrow toys and clothes

Baby toys and clothing can get expensive very quickly. We were fortunate, in that my wife’s two sisters both had two kids, and they saved everything, so we saved a lot of money in hand-me-downs. Also, we were not above dressing our boy in clothes stupidly seen as “girl’s” clothes in order to save money. Besides, the first several months, your baby will spend most of their time indoors, sleeping, and cuddling someone, so you don’t need to spend a small fortune on the newest, name-brand clothing.

If you don’t have family or friends who recently had kids, there are still ways to rent or purchase clothing secondhand. Last, I encourage you to look to your network; someone in your social circle will know someone who has had a kid recently and will participate in a clothing, toy, and baby book exchange group with you. Just as likely, they are happy to offload those now too-small articles of clothing or no-longer-fun toys to anyone who asks. You’ll find lots of volunteers, I have no doubt.

Last, especially with toys, toy-sharing subscription sites and baby equipment rental sites are on the rise as budget-conscious parents are understanding this necessity.

9. Make a real effort to spend time with your significant other

I am very fortunate to be in a loving relationship with the mother of my child. Whether you have a significant other or not, make a real effort to spend time with friends and, even more importantly, find some time to enjoy those hobbies and activities you enjoyed before your baby came along.

I cannot underestimate just how exhausted you will be after a day, or even just several hours, with your baby. Our baby’s bedtime is at 7:30 each night. Often, in the hour before this, we are counting down the time excitedly, as we are so tired and go to sleep straight after we put Atti to bed. When we find time to talk, we mostly talk about our baby. When we have free time, we clean up the messes that were made through the day. As for getting intimate? That is the last thing on our minds.

However, it is absolutely vital to invest energy in your two most important relationships at this point: yourself and your partner. Though it will be hard to do at first, find some time with each other to talk about something other than the baby. Read some news together. Watch 20 minutes of a movie together, and then watch the next 20 minutes the next night and so forth. Enjoy each other in whatever way you can.

Last, don’t be afraid to take your baby out with you. Get them used to riding in the car, sitting in booster seats in restaurants, and being seen and held by many different people. I realize that with COVID-19 still raging on, you must be smart in limiting your interactions with others, but in general, it is still important to get your baby used to different environments and people early on. This will make your baby more social and more comfortable with change as they age.

10. Live in the moment

The first 6 months of my son’s life have gone by so fast, and I am sure the next 6 months will as well. While you may feel the need to capture every moment in photos and videos, please remember to put the phone down and be present in the moment as well. Besides, your baby will become obsessed with anything that draws your attention away from them, so unless you want your baby crawling all over you to get to your phone, then consider putting it away during those play times. This time will go quickly, so enjoy it while you can.