I Shouldn’t Be a Writer: Honest Confessions About Writing with ADHD
By: Jen North
Tags: Adhd, Freelancing, Writers On Writing, Mental Health, Writing

(Image from Pixabay: ADHD stands for attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder)

I have been working as a freelance writer on Upwork for the last 3 years. I am currently considered Top Rated on the platform and I hold a 100% job success score. I’m not one of the bigger earners, but I always have work lined up if I want it.

I started writing on Medium so I would have a place to publish my own work. After a few months of increasing my article output I have had some limited success here as well.

I have two articles curated under tags and one featured on a publication. I have every reason to feel confident in my abilities as a writer and a professional. Only I don’t.

Yesterday I almost rage quit all of it in frustration after a series of blunders on my part.

Destroying It All

Firstly I published a personal story about my deceased dad a few days ago. It was partly about his life growing up in Asia, where due to the abuse of his drunken mother he was raised by the household staff. I had worked on it off and on for at least two months. It was my best attempt to tell my dad’s story.

But once I hit publish it only received six views before a friend messaged me and told me it was not written that well. It was long and chunky. I was trying to do too much with the storytelling. I read it again with fresh eyes and realized they were right.

I had a massive panic attack. I imagined followers who had been impressed before, quickly jumping a sinking ship after reading it. I already had 50 claps on it, but I still deleted it before anyone could witness such a failure from a supposedly experienced writer.

The next mistake was bad both professionally and socially. I still had to publish something. So I started researching an old idea about examining the moral panic of the early internet days. I thought maybe it could be added as part of a series where I did a similar thing exploring the history of the VHS.

Anyway I was trying to remember the old gore websites that were particularly popular during the dial up days of the mid-1990s. I’m in many different writing groups on Facebook. Including a women’s horror group. I meant to post the following question there.

“Does anyone remember the names of those messed up gore sites from the 90s?”

I mostly forgot about it. I got a decent chunk of writing done and did not check the group page again until hours later. This is where I discovered my rather disturbing question had not been posted in an appropriate horror group at all.

In fact it was posted in a women writers Medium group. It was witnessed by some the very people I am hoping to convert to readers. Later I would find that the women’s horror group does not even exist on Facebook anymore.

Fallout

Again massive panic. First thing is delete all evidence, but it had literally been up for 8 hours. No way at least a few people did not read it. So I have two choices. Pretend it never happened, which was very tempting. Or own up and admit the mistake.I chose the second option.

I posted a confession and apologized in case it offended anyone. It was past midnight by the time of my discovery. My husband Zach dragged me off to bed and away from the judgement of screens.

I woke up. Read the replies. It was not so bad, in fact it if anything it was supportive. Relief, at least the group I shared it to were all writers and had possibly seen stranger stuff before.

So what’s wrong with me? Why do I make so many careless mistakes? Panicking over what most people might consider minor setbacks? Well…

(Image from Pixabay: Oh look a squirrel, but it should be a wombat since I live in Australia)

Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder

I have attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) which is officially classified as a neurodevelopmental disorder, that interferes with my learning, work, and social relationships.

I was diagnosed during my early childhood in the 1990s. I am not medicated. In fact if I am honest I have not really had any form of treatment for ADHD since childhood. Most of my life I have largely tried to hide it to fit in better socially and appear more “normal.”

Symptoms of ADHD

Dependent on the symptoms ADHD is divided into three different types:

Inattentive type: Inattentive symptoms include problems concentrating and becoming easily distracted. We find listening to instructions and paying attention difficult.

Hyperactive-impulsive type: Hyperactivity symptoms include excessive movement, fidgeting, restlessness, and talking nonstop.Impulsive symptoms include impatience, clumsiness, and risk-taking behavior. We might blurt out answers before the other person has finished speaking or interrupt others.

Combination type: A combination of all of the symptoms including inattentiveness, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. I am diagnosed with the combination type of ADHD, so I get to experience it all. It greatly interferes with my ability to be a competent writer.

Writing with ADHD

A challenge I have found so far as a writer with ADHD is staying focused on the job long enough for complication. This was much harder in my first year on Upwork. I had to build credibility, so accepted jobs I would otherwise never had any interest in.

The early gigs involved mostly advertising and ghostwriting. I felt particularly bad after writing a fake film review about a recent release that was actually just fluff to advertise and endorse a product. It felt impossible to put effort into my writing when I knew it was just going to be used to get people to spend their money on junk they did not need. It felt wrong but I handed it in and got a nice review.

It took a few months of grueling work to complete more trash jobs, all to build up a good reputation. It worked. Finally I started being able to be more choosy about which jobs I accept. Often this means rejecting better paying jobs, but my writing is vastly better when I care about the topic.

I also prevent boredom by working on several different articles at the same time. I am currently working articles covering feminist horror, video game advancements, and existentialist philosophy. I always have dozens of browsers open at any given time, jumping between topics as soon as I need to.

When interest alone in a topic is not enough there is another side of ADHD which can surprisingly be an advantage for a writer.

Hyper-focus

Hyper-focus is the ability to focus intensely for extended periods of time on an interesting project or activity. It is the opposite of inattention.

People who experience hyper-focus often become so engrossed in whatever they are doing they block out the rest the world. Unless someone or something interrupts their engagement, hours will drift by. Priorities such as important jobs and sometimes even relationships can be cast aside.

While it does have its downsides the ability to hyper-focus so intensely gives us an advantage over our neurotypical peers when we can focus on something productive such as a work project.

The ability to hyper-focus allows me to actually write something on a semi-regular basis.It takes me a long time to start working, but with the right motivation such fear of failure I can easily step into “the zone” and focus my entire attention to the task, as hours tick by unnoticed.

I dive deep into research and can often make connections between subjects other people might miss. It in during this state of mind I usually produce my best work, however sooner or later. I always try to take on too much and become overwhelmed.

Burn Out

I am currently writing for 3 long term clients on Upwork, while attempting to produce at least one new article a week on Medium. I was making strong progress, but a few recent incidents including those I mentioned earlier have lead to a return of an unwanted familiar feeling.

The Imposter

The imposter syndrome is a psychological term that refers to a pattern of behavior where a person is constantly in doubt of their own abilities or accomplishments. The term was first coined in 1978 by clinical psychologists Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes. Their research found that some people, despite adequate external evidence of their accomplishments. Remained convinced they did not deserve their success.

The word imposter is so fitting because it does indeed feel that way. It’s only a matter of time until you are discovered as a fraud. That is why I experienced such anxiety over my tanked article and awkward question.

I took a moment for reflection. Maybe I should not be a writer. Perhaps with my condition and personality it is too much to overcome. Maybe unlike everyone else who feels like that, I truly am a real imposter. A dear friend who also experiences anxiety and I discussed my fears.

She asked me. Even if I am a total hack and fake, should I not at least be proud that I can fool them? Mixing among the talented “real” writers unnoticed, how sneaky. It might sound strange but the idea of at least being good at living my lie provided great comfort. I started writing…

(Image from Pixabay: Be the greatest imposter and fool them all)

Later my beautiful friend sent me a meme she found on the subject. It had picture of an evil pixie that simply read.

“Fool them all, my dear trickster”

I smiled and kept writing. Here is the result.