Is the Brokini the Future of Men’s Bathing Accessories?
By: Jack Shepherd
Tags: Humor, Photography, Fashion, Culture, History

Is the Brokini the Future of Men’s Bathing Accessories?

All the beauty of a bikini, with none of its pesky practicality

All photos with permission: Brokinis

The inherent paradoxes of the brokini bathing suit for bros are just as appealing as its aesthetic, which is to say—not very, but in a “hard-to-look-away” sort of way. For one, the brokini is a one-piece, so it has more in common with a 19th century bathing costume (albeit a sparse one) than the revolutionary two-piece women’s swimsuit it takes its name from. Taxonomically speaking, the brokini is actually a thong with a strap; a speedo with suspenders; a budgie-smuggler with a sash. And when you begin to think of it that way, it becomes clear just how entirely unnecessary its signature feature—the perverse, troubling, and unholy shoulder strap protruding from its middle—actually is.

A bro modestly covers his brokini bulge with a pineapple.

But let’s try and examine it from a historical perspective. The modern bikini was introduced, with great fanfare and even greater scandal, at a Paris fashion shoot in 1946. Designed by a French automobile engineer named Louis Réard who had taken over his mother’s lingerie business, the bikini was born after Réard noticed that women at his local beach had begun rolling up the edges of their bathing suits to get a better tan and decided to (more-or-less literally) cut out the middleman. You’ll note that this history severs yet another familial bond from the ignoble brokini, which on the contrary adds an unnecessary swatch of fabric to the gentleman’s swimming togs, rendering the tanning process uneven, impractical, and absurd.

A bro thoughtfully measures his new brokini to ensure that it is up to standard.

What Réard’s invention did have in common with our brokinis was that its introduction was a scandal. With most models unwilling to be photographed in such provocative swimwear, Réard hired the 19-year-old nude dancer Michelle Bernardini to model his invention, and the resulting photoshoot was a sensation, attracting international attention.

Holding a small box designed to contain the entire swimsuit, Michelle Bernardini models the first bikini in Paris in 1947. Photo: Wikimedia Commons

The bikini took its name from the Bikini Atoll, a coral reef in the Marshall Islands that was the subject of multiple nuclear tests. The implied connection to an atomic detonation was a nod to a competing two-piece swimsuit that arrived at roughly the same time by the designer Jacques Heim, named The Atom. But Réard’s bikini was smaller, and its effect on a scandalized post-War Europe was all the more cataclysmic.

With all reasonable deference to Réard, Heim, and the pioneering women who pushed past the puritanical and misogynistic boundaries that had shackled the midriff and deprived it of sunlight for generations, the bikini was actually just a modern spin on an old idea. In fact, a fourth century mosaic from the Villa del Casale in Sicily shows Roman gymnasts looking very comfortable in their stylish two-pieces as they do their exercises in the sun.

Bikini babes at the Roman 24-Hour-Fitness. Photo: Wikimedia Commons

All of which brings us back to the pressing questions at hand. Is the brokini (designed by two business bros in Canada so men can “show off your package in style”) the future of men’s bathing accessories? Have the bros finally found some swimwear that can push boundaries, change the cultural conversation, and upend the fashion world to the same extent that the bikini did? Is this worrying and unsavory banana hammock with a shoulder leash the first brave step on a path toward a new frontier of men’s swimwear? I don’t have a philosophy degree, so I’m not equipped to answer any of these questions, but let’s take a moment to enjoy some more photos of the brokini in action.

A bro takes his brokini out for a spin in a biplane.

Two bros frolic in their new brokinis.

A bro demonstrates that his banana-hammock suspender in no way inhibits his range of motion.

A bro who is brave enough to sport his new brokini in public but not without a disguise.

A bro and his dog model matching brokinis.

A bro kicks sand in the face of a non-brokini-wearing nerd.

Unclear what’s happening here.

A bro in a brokini bravely rescues a beached orca.

A brokini bro contemplates the decisions he has made that have led him to this point.

A brokini bro in his natural habitat, hushing some flamingos.

A brokini bro and his captain celebrate prior to deployment.

Along with their only friend, two brokini bros laugh, because there is nothing else left to do.