Seeking Comfort in the Familiar
By: Wendy Miller
Tags: Relationships, Divorce, Dating, Love, Self-awareness

There was a point in my life where, when a relationship ended, I would scroll through a mental contact list of ex-boyfriends. Which ones might be single at the moment? Which ones could I see myself tolerating for a while? Which ones did I miss and wondered if we might still have a chance at making things work?

Those were the questions being answered but it was subconsciously. Consciously, I was convincing myself that whichever ex was chosen from the list was someone I still loved, someone that I was meant to be with, and all I was really doing was giving love a second chance to work its magic.

The thing was, I never got back together with these exes on a long-term basis. If anything, there might be a short-lived friends with benefits type relationship just to get across the bridge from recently single to ready to mingle again. Basically, I didn’t want to be alone and ex-boyfriends were familiar territory that didn’t require much of an emotional investment from me.

When I finally started doing the work I needed to do on myself, I stopped this pattern of trying to go back to familiar, yet failed, relationships. I also found another pattern. I discovered that all the boys and men I’d dated were similar.

And by similar, I don’t mean they all had the same color hair and eyes. I mean, they all had similar personality traits and relationship habits. They were all emotionally unavailable, controlling, not really interested in being in a relationship but unwilling to speak up and say so, and dishonest in one way or another.

And chances are, if you’re reading this, you’ve noticed a similar pattern in your life. You’ve noticed that you try to go back to past relationships or date people who are all the same “type.”

It’s not weird or unusual

The first thing you might think when you notice this about yourself is that it’s weird. That it’s unusual to do either of these things. That you need therapy or a good slap to the face.

But it’s not weird. It’s not unusual. And while therapy can be beneficial to most of us for one reason or another, it’s also not necessarily a sign you need therapy.

It’s actually pretty normal. There are six human needs:

1. Certainty/comfort

2. Uncertainty/variety

3. Significance

4. Love and connection

5. Growth

6. Contribution

Returning to an old flame, or diving into relationships with people who are all similar, allows us to meet two of those needs: Certainty/comfort and love and connection. One could even argue that it allows us to meet the need of feeling significant — convincing ourselves that we are unique, important, or special and that’s why our ex wants us back as much as we want them back.

Getting back together with a former flame or dating someone who reminds you strongly of people you’ve dated before is a shortcut method to meeting those needs. It’s easier than getting to know someone new, faster than developing a relationship that’s different than any you’ve had before, and it lowers the risk of rejection so we can keep our ego intact.

In order to meet someone new who isn’t like everyone we’ve dated before, we have to grow (a need that often isn’t met unless or until the first four needs are met) and be willing to live with some uncertainty (which, though it is one of the needs, is often one we’re not too comfortable with). Until we reach a point where we’re fed up with the way things have always been, this is an uncomfortable place to be. So we stick with what we know.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

When you do the same thing, you get the same result

When you keep dating someone with whom you’ve already broken up, or you keep dating people with similar characteristics, you’ll keep getting the same results: the same relationships that don’t make you happy and ultimately don’t work out.

That was what changed everything for me: the realization that every relationship I’d ever had was essentially the same with the only real difference being the man’s face in the memories. I was getting the same relationships every time because I was basically dating the same person every time; he just had a different name and slightly different physical appearance.

When you’re not getting the relationship you want, the happiness you seek, you need to do something different. And that something different may, in fact, be someone different.

Going with an old flame or someone who reminds you of past partners or relationships (or even of relationships you saw as a child, like your parents or grandparents) is comfortable. It’s meeting that need for comfort, which makes it easy to stick with it.

Changing up who you date requires getting out of your comfort zone and dealing with uncertainty. While uncertainty is another human need, it’s not one we’re always comfortable with. So changing who you date requires conscious effort. It’s hard work.

But it’s worth it.

Identify what you want and what you don’t

When you’re trying to change your dating and relationship patterns, you need to identify both what you want and what you don’t want. It’s more important to focus on what you want but you also need to know what it is you’re looking to avoid.

Why do you need to know that?

As you get to know someone new, you begin to feel more comfortable with them. You need to know what you want and what you don’t want so you can identify why you feel comfortable with this person. Is it because you genuinely like them and they’re meeting your standards? Or is it because they’re like people you’ve dated in the past and you’re playing out a pattern you’ve played out many times before?

You also want to keep that list of what you don’t want handy so you can notice those red flags as soon as they appear. Even one of the “don’t want” items is too many, and without that list, it’s much easier to overlook them until it’s too late.

But you also want to keep your list of what you do want close too. This will motivate and encourage you when it feels easier to slip back into old patterns and harder to keep trying to consciously change your dating and relationship habits.

It won’t be easy

You’re going to find yourself drawn to the same kind of people you’ve always been drawn to. You’re going to have to be mindful of the changes you’re trying to make and look carefully to find those people who meet your new criteria. You’ll have to assess each person carefully and make sure you’re choosing them because they meet your new standards and not because they’re comfortable and familiar.

It’s not an easy task. But if you’re serious about having better relationships, it’s the best way to ensure you have them. If you can make this shift, and put forth the intentional effort, you’ll end up with more rewarding, healthy, loving, and happy relationships.

Wendy Miller is a Single Mom Coach & meditation teacher. She helps moms use mindfulness and meditation to create the life they really want. She lives in Florida with her two sons, where she homeschools while solo parenting, while surrounded by what feels like a zooful of animals.

You can follow her on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest. You can also sign up for her newsletter where she offers more insights, tips, tricks, advice, and information to help single moms find purpose, creativity, passion, and peace.

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