My Precious imperfect Breastfeeding journey
Tags: Newborn, New Mom, Breastfeeding, Parenthood, New Mothers

The Kick start (Pun-Intended)

I bet each person has a different and struggling story about breastfeeding, some might forget their initials days of struggle and load you up with advice which may or may not work for you. But hang on, you will get there too.

At least I hope so …

During my pregnancy, all I used to think about was holding the precious lovely little bundle of joy in my hands, totally clueless what to do after birth especially the breastfeeding part. I have been blessed with a healthy pregnancy and I was quite active throughout my journey. Never in my wildest dream I thought that breastfeeding could be this challenging. I was under impression that breastfeeding comes naturally with childbirth and since I have carried my pregnancy well, I would be able to do this too. So, after 20+ active labor hours and 2 hour of hard pushing the baby out and ending with an emergency C section I was pretty drained. I have never felt this vulnerable and helpless. I have watched all those pretty videos of new moms holding their babies on Instagram and here was my moment for some skin-to-skin contact bonding. They gave me my baby in football position (upside down) so that baby could latch properly. My little one was trying super hard to get a hold of me but I was totally confused what is happening. I had no energy and no sense. Nurses tried to latch again in recovery ward, but my body was shaking like somebody gave me third degree electric shock. And again I failed to feed my baby. I was dreaded with that thought. They took the baby to nursery while I was recovering from surgery and I got to see my baby again after 5 hours of birth.

The Emotional Roller coaster ride

Imagine lying down with no senses with hands and legs tied up and then hold a baby for feed when you cant even get up without external help, sounds like roadies task isn’t it?

It took a fair amount of time for me to digest this task. I had barely come to terms with the fact that they just ripped my belly out and now I am supposed to produce milk? Who am I, a cow? And there was my little baby attacking

my boobs with all the force. Somehow, I fed her and she slept. Nurse told me that next feed will be after 3 hrs but oh wait my little one is crying just in half hour, may be she is not full. I panicked. The thought of her hunger invoked a deep fear inside me thinking of all the pain I had to go through over n over again. I was filled with fear and guilt of not being a good mother, of not being able to give her enough food.

Little did I know that newborn’s are always hungry, they don’t follow schedule. I read pumping will help getting more supply. I pumped for 30 mins and got less than 10ml. Oh man, no wonder she is hungry, drenched in heavy guilt and self-pity I asked my nurse to top her up with formula milk.

There were many days of horror, growth spurt, witching hours etc where she was hungry and cranky and wanted to come on me for feed. I kept on feeding her for hours and then shes hungry again not satisfied with breast milk.

I kept topping her up one/two bottle per day and she gulped down all the milk and slept. I was happy because she slept fully satisfied and sad as she was not satisfied with breast milk. The most horrifying were witching hours, which means she will be fine in the daytime but as the evening progress she just want to feed continuously. I sometimes even went for 4 hours of feeding straight without any break, can you imagine??

This went on for almost 2.5 months and I settled with the thought that she needs bottle and I gave her as and when needed. I still feel guilty about it but can’t help.

The Pleasant Bond

People say that it’s a great way to bond with baby and oh don’t you feel full when shes hungry that’s the sign you are both are getting along? Oh man I was not getting that experience and the question was always there that when I will overcome the feeding fear and bond with my baby. But I didn’t give up. I fed her through out the day and tried to cope up with all her demands. Eventually I was able to feel the bonding. I also felt the electric currents flowing though my breasts which gave me the urge to feed her even when shes not demanding. I guess I reached there what everyone was talking about- that pleasant baby bonding. Currently I am in 4th month of breast feeding and it feels great now and surely I will continue it as long as its needed :)