Treat Your Child Like an Adult
By: Richa Sabharwal
Tags: Parenting, Adulthood, Modern Parenting, Indian Parenting, Self Esteem

Photo by Evelyn Semenyuk on Unsplash

Treat your child like an adult? But why, isn’t she just a child? Why should I try to treat my child like an adult? Well, one of the key objectives of parenting is to train your child to be an adult someday. Is it not? What better way of training than the popular cliché, practice makes perfect!

I am sure you’ve observed your child talk like you or repeat your frequently used words and phrases just when you were not expecting it. If you treat your child like an adult, she learns to do the same, plus a lot of other benefits.

An adult-to-adult interaction suggests that the two individuals are equally important in the situation. Though they may not be of the same age, have equal subject knowledge, or have equal experiences in life, in an adult-to-adult interaction, both individuals have an equal say in the ongoing conversation.

Imagine your 7-year-old daughter playing with her friends well past her agreed cut off time. She needs to be back home to complete her school assignments.

Mom: Leela! You know you must be back home by 7 pm. Why do I need to remind you every day? There are piles of assignment sheets waiting for you. Don’t you already know that? C’mon hurry! Drop everything and come back this minute! Leela: Please Mom, just a few more minutes. I am winning. Please let me finish the game. Mom: Oh C’mon! You always do this!

It’s possible that Leela dropped everything, made a face and followed her mother back home. It is also possible that despite the coaxing, Leela went on to play for a few more minutes.

If we look at this interaction, the mother clearly establishes that Leela is irresponsible and not bothered about her school assignments. Leela also responds without showing any concern for the schoolwork.

What if the conversation went something like this?

Mom: Leela, are you ready to wrap up your play? It’s 7 pm already. I know you want to complete all your schoolwork before bedtime. Leela: Sure! But I wish I could finish the game; I’ve almost won. Mom: Ok, five more minutes. I am waiting for you; we’ll quickly walk back home.

This time the mother did not force Leela to leave at once but suggested an alternative. As a result of both interactions, Leela would either leave at once realizing that she needed to work on her assignments, or she would take a little more time before she returns. However, in the second interaction, the mother showed more respect for the child and indicated that she trusted Leela to make the right choice with respect to schoolwork.

We can clearly see that the second conversation is a healthy adult-to-adult type of interaction. Both persons show mutual respect and value the opinion of the other. The mother in the second conversation negotiates with the child instead of dictating what needs to be done. Now, this child is more likely to be respectful and demonstrate good social behaviour later in life as children tend to copy the behaviour of their parents or other care givers.

Let’s look at another very common parenting situation. The child always reaches the bus stop last minute and almost misses the school bus. There is commotion at home every morning to ensure that she is on time.

Mom: Hurry! There are only 5 minutes left. Why did you not pack your bag last night and make sure you have everything? This is so irresponsible of you. If it weren’t for me, you would miss your bus every day. Leela: You are upset for nothing. You don’t need to be after me every morning. I haven’t once missed the bus yet.

This conversation is not an adult-to-adult conversation as both individuals are not equal here. The mother has raised herself to a higher plane indicating that Leela is irresponsible and dependent on her for day-to-day things. How can we do this differently?

Mom (the night before): Leela, I hope you have packed your bag and are all set for tomorrow. Let me know if you need anything. Leela: Don’t worry about me! I have everything I need.

Next day morning, the mom resists the temptation to nudge and help. She lets Leela take the ownership of reaching the bus stop on time. When Leela gets no help, she is more likely to make more effort herself. If she does miss the bus a couple of times, it only reinforces the mother’s advice. Leela will also need to put up with the consequences like making up for the missed schoolwork and explaining to her friends and teachers why she missed school. On the other hand, despite her seemingly last-minute attitude, if Leela manages to catch the bus every day, the mom learns that Leela probably has her own way of getting things done but she is an independent individual. Isn’t that the final goal of parenting?

What are the other benefits of treating your child like an adult?

High Self Esteem

Children form their impression of the world based on what adults around them show and tell them. If you constantly criticize the world and society around you, your children are more likely to have a negative view of the world too. Similarly, when you constantly tell your children that they are not good enough at sports, academics, managing their time, or social interactions, they believe that about themselves and it deeply affects their self-esteem. I realized this one day when my son was about 4 or 5, and he told me that he liked being the bad guy. It made me think if he really believed that he was a bad guy. I wondered if I was unknowingly conveying that to him. I knew that I needed to change his view of himself. I knew I needed to choose my words carefully with him.

Better Self Confidence and Decision Making

I am sure you have a friend who thinks a thousand times before buying a shirt and even after getting it looks for appreciation to confirm that he made the right choice. Such a person is a reluctant decision maker. If you treat the child like an adult, you demonstrate trust in her abilities to manage her life. When the child can try out choices and see them work or fail, it improves her ability to make a better choice next time. The consequences of making a wrong choice or decision are not very high at a young age. So, why not let them try out and practice decision making now? This will make them more confident later in life and not afraid to take decisions. You need to accept the fact that the child may make mistakes a few of times and that’s part of the growing up journey. Do we all not make mistakes even as adults?

Better Social Skills

You are your child’s role model. If you talk to your child respectfully, she will learn to do the same. If you listen to her with patience and let her keep her viewpoint, she is more likely to be a good listener and appreciate the point of view of others. Such a child is likely to be more accommodating of other people’s behaviour. Besides this, empathy, kindness, civic sense, etc. are very valuable social skills that you need as an adult. If parents are mindful of these aspects during their conversation with their children, the children are more likely to reciprocate the same not just with parents and family but also in their other social interactions.

Even after trying so hard, once in a while, if we do lose our calm and get emotional, there is no need to be too harsh on ourselves. Remember, no one taught us how to parent; we all are learning on the job.