I Was Sued By Parents Who Could Not Accept Their Child’s Disability
By: Susie Antonia
Tags: Disability, Education, Special Needs, Parenting, Children

DISABILITY

I Was Sued By Parents Who Could Not Accept Their Child’s Disability

Accepting your child’s disability will precipitate your child’s progress and save a lot of grief.

Photo by Christian Bowen on Unsplash

Denial: One of the the 8 Stages of Grief

Parents go through denial when they receive a diagnosis of their child. They formed an idealized image of their child and the diagnosis changes or disrupts that image they have formed. They imagine their child growing up to be like most children they know. They see them in the future with the usual challenges a typical child faces and a rosy tint of positivity.

When teachers or other professionals present their child in a different light, the parents’ idealized child is shattered. Labels, educational and psychological jargon confuse them. They are unaware of the many facets of learning and developmental theories, making them incognizant of their child’s disability.

Denial is the most common stage of grief. Numerous questions arise, questions they never faced before.

This cannot happen to their child. This cannot be happening to them.

An Extreme Case of Denial

Timmy snuggled close to me. He flashed me a smile that said, I can do this. “One, two, three, four, five, six. It’s five!”

“Count again,” I encouraged.

“One, two, three, four, five, six. It’s five!”

Timmy and I were best buds. He was one student I spent endless time tutoring that we grew closer everyday. He apparently had a disability, I just couldn't point out which kind. I sent out a teacher concern form to administration, consulted the special education teacher, and tightened my observation notes.

At first, Timmy’s parents were grateful that I noticed a problem with his learning. They were both professionals who seemed to have exposure to such cases. The father was lawyer and the mother was a psychologist so one could presume that they were aware of the challenges their child had. They thanked me profusely and bought my classroom a new computer.

We called in an occupational therapist to observe Timmy. She was quite concerned at the gravity of his uncoordinated movements. She presented her findings to his parents and recommended to have him see a neurologist. We arranged to have a psycho-educational test done as well, and recommended a psychologist that the school regularly consulted. However, Timmy’s parents insisted on consulting their friend, a well-known psychologist.

After all the tests were done, Timmy’s parents refused to show us the results.

Suspicion arose.

They explained to us that Timmy had dyspraxia, a chronic neurological disorder that affects the planning of movements and co-ordination as a result of brain messages not being accurately transmitted to the body.

(Later, Timmy’s father admitted that he typed in the educational psychological results on the report himself.)

Their demands were unrealistic.

They asked me to treat him like any normal child, not to give him more attention than others so he will not stand out as different. They also announced that they will tutor him at home, and they required that I send copious homework regularly.

We were talking about a six-year old.

(The Ministry of Education does require homework from grades 1 -3.)

Timmy’s handwriting skills were way below age level which necessitated scribing his work daily. He couldn’t write his name to save his life. In which case, he will not be able to do much work in the classroom.

Timmy also wanted to feel productive. He enjoyed our one-on-one time. It was our bonding time. He felt supported and appreciated whenever we worked together.

Nevertheless, I cut our time together by half. I could not bring myself to treat him like any other student. That would result in frequent failure, a devastating blow to his confidence.

Once, the class was asked to write an easy poem.

I spent the morning helping Timmy compose the poem, but making sure I did not scribe it as his parents requested. I tried to guide his hand to write more legibly, but to no avail. His poem naturally looked different from his classmates’.

I struggled with this thought. It was a matter of “If you do, you die. If you don’t, you die.” If I post Timmy’s work, his poem will stand out. If I don’t post it, I will be accused of excluding Timmy from the class. Against my better judgement, I posted his work on the bulletin board. I was hoping Timmy would feel a sense of pride and accomplishment that his work was on display.

Timmy’s father was furious when he saw his son’s poem on the board. The scribbly handwriting must have embarrassed him.

He decided to pull his child out of our school.

When he applied at a prestigious school, he was turned down because of Timmy’s report card. Then he demanded that we change the report card. Now, that was not possible.

Then, he threatened to sue the school.

Our principal observed Timmy to test the accuracy of the report card that I wrote. She found it quite accurate. Timmy’s father claimed her observations biased.

The School Board was called in.They suggested getting a supervisor of schools from another city observe. Timmy’s father turned down that suggestion.

He sued the Board.

His case did not pass the requirements at court.

He sued the school.

His case did not pass the requirements at court.

He sued the principal.

His case did not pass the requirements at court.

He sued me.

It passed. On grounds of anxiety.

He sued me for not giving his son enough homework, setting him up for failure and causing anxiety.

The news reached a reporter who was fascinated at the ridiculousness of the case. News spread like wild fire. More newspapers bought the story, even the Globe and Mail.

My reputation was tarnished.

While the case was ongoing, he verbally harassed me several times in the hallway. He hurled several threats at me. All the time, I simply smiled and walked away with my chin held high. I was not going to give him another reason to sue me. I was not going to look like the bad guy. I was going to show him my inner strength.

I won the case. Timmy’s parents settled.

I wish we went through the courts. I would have wanted to speak out for all teachers. For exposing the harassment and stupidity we face for speaking the truth.

I may have won the case. I may have continued to walk with my head held high, but I suffered.

My reputation was tarnished unjustly.

My. Impeccable. Reputation.

My health deteriorated. I developed high blood pressure and a heart problem. I experienced anxiety attacks.

It took 10 years for Timmy to get an official designation.

He is now considered a child within the autism spectrum.

Ten years.

Ten years wasted. When all throughout those ten years, they could have worked on the necessary supports and interventions required for a child with specific disabilities. Timmy would have benefited from that immensely.

I cannot forget the longing look on his face when the court case was brewing. He could not understand what his parents were telling him about me. We were buddies. We were happy together. He felt supported and loved.

That bond was severed.

Ways to cope with Denial

I realize from my personal experience that accepting a diagnosis is a painful and troubling process. It takes time before all the new information sinks in your mind. Several raw emotions arise. Self-doubt, anger, disbelief.

If your child is assigned a diagnosis, do not reject it. Instead, here are some steps and suggestions to help you through this difficult stage.

Keep an open mind. Listen to what the teachers and professionals are presenting. Read the test results thoroughly. Do some research. Find out what the diagnosis is all about. What does it mean? What are the symptoms? What treatments or therapies do these entail? Compare your child to the prototype of the diagnosis. Does your child have the same symptoms or signs? If you think your child is not what they describe, find out other possible diagnoses. Remember, your child may have some atypical behaviour that caused concern and encouraged teachers and the advisory team to act upon it. Seek support from other parents of children with similar disabilities or mental illness. It is always reassuring to know that you are not alone. It is vital to find a way to accept your child for who s/he is. Find a spiritual, meditative, or relaxing outlet to soothe your feelings. Having a clear, calm mind will work towards more logical reasoning and more agreeable discussions.

Remember, your child will be the first victim of your inability to accept him or her for who s/he is.