Gifts for the Person in Your Life with Low Self Esteem
By: Robert Vetter
Tags: Gift Guide, Insecurity, Christmas, Self Help

December has a lot of holidays and regardless of what you celebrate, there’s probably gift giving and/or the spreading of joy involved. If you’ve been slacking on charitable actions all year, that’s completely fine as long as you make up for it with some killer gifts. It’s really important to end the year on a high note in the eyes of others because if westernized media’s depictions of karma have taught us anything, it only takes ONE shoved and trampled child on Black Friday for you to earn a visit from three ghosts bent on psychologically terrorizing you during the most wonderful time of the year.

When I recognize that someone in my life suffers from low self esteem, it kills me because I see so much greatness in them that they can’t seem to recognize for whatever reason. That’s why I look forward to December every year because it’s the time to show how much I care about these people, and make up for some of my not-so-proud total b word moments that may or may not be contributing to their low self-esteem (oops!). Make you gifts matter this year for the people in your life with low self esteem with my helpful suggestions.

Sexy underwear

This one is a little bit obligatory, but a new pair of sexy underwear could be just the thing that your person needs to change their outlook on themselves. You can tell everything you need to know about a person’s underwear, even when they’re fully clothed. It’s all in the way that they carry themselves. People with frumpy, worn out undies often slouch while they walk as a way of protecting their crotch and butt area from any scrutiny. They know that one prying glance and someone will be able to make out the puffy outline of their ill fitting bloomers or boxers. They also might hold shopping bags, books, shoe boxes, or other items that wouldn’t normally be held in front of the crotch area, in front of the crotch area. This is probably because their underwear is so old and holey that a flopped-out d-print will be visible up against the raw material of their pants. Some nice underwear will make them feel much better about their appearance. After all, nobody confident knowingly walks around with skid marks.

A dog

For parents with children that might be getting bullied at school or not have enough attention from the family, a dog could be the best thing to get. But what kind of dog should you get? That depends on what kind of child you want to raise.

If you want your child to feel supported in the house, get a dog you love less than them. If at one point they felt like the most ignored or unloved family member, it would help them greatly to put something below them in the pecking order. They’ll know that their parents love them because they gave them something they love less.

My dog, Scrappy Doo, who is a pain to everyone in my family

If you want your child to be more aspirational, driven and competitive, you might consider giving them a dog you love more than them. Make it clear that this dog is your world and your child will not be able to take its place until they have earned it. This will be more of a journey towards their self worth as they will be forced to acquire lots of good traits in hopes of earning your love: studiousness, athleticism, self determination, etc. There will be times when you feel you’re being cruel and heartless, but it’s all worth it for the moment that they realize they’re good enough in their parents eyes.

My other dog, Benson, who I will never be in my parents’ eyes

An IOU

People always say “it’s thought that counts” and sometimes that’s all you have to give. Maybe the person you’re thinking of feels insecure in their personal relationships, so show them you’re thinking about them by giving them an IOU for a gift. Do you have to follow up on that IOU? Nope! As long as they know you’re thinking about them, it will be a meaningful gift.

An Adderall dealer

A big source of insecurity and decider of my self esteem is my productivity. I spend a lot of time writing and ~creating~ so naturally I stake a lot of my confidence in the ability to do that. On weeks when I’m less productive, I feel worse because I’m not producing as much. It’s an ugly positive feedback loop that’s hard to get out of, and my therapist says a lot of other people feel the same way. Maybe this person is like me in the sense that they have low productivity days. A great way to help them avoid this I HAVE HEARD AND I’M COMPLETELY SERIOUS THAT I’VE NEVER USED IT is Adderall!

Now it is not technically legal for you to give your friend a prescription that is not theirs, even if it’s wrapped in holiday cheer. So just defer the responsibility onto someone else. While it is frowned upon, it’s not technically illegal for you to let slip the contact information of someone you know for a fact sells Adderall. If it’s what they need, you’ll notice a great change in their demeanor. If it’s not what they need, you’ll notice a horrible change in their demeanor. Make sure you don’t send them to a meth dealer

A Botox party Groupon

Having an insecure group of friends is not fun at all. There’s only so much self doubt you can take from all sides until you start to develop fantasies about throwing hot coffee on them on yet another cafe date where you have to hear about how their parents won’t pay for their nose job. This is where Groupon marries two things that can remedy this going into the new year. If all of your friends get Botox, none of them will feel insecure about their looks anymore. This is a fact. And with it being offered on Groupon, money is not an object. Botox goes beyond physical appearance. It’s a very glamorous and exciting activity to do as a group of people in someone’s living room with chemicals that have been sitting in an outside-temperature van.

After just one botox party, you could all look like her!

A somber promise

Maybe your friend feels bad about the place they’ve come to in their life. Maybe they peaked in high school, they have a filthy, uninhabitable apartment, they were caught committing a federal crime and there’s no going back from it, etc. This isn’t an issue you can solve, so don’t give them false hope by promising them you will. It’s simply not doable. For now all you can do is be a shoulder to cry, and then if you outlive them, which you very well might, you give them your word that their ashes will be spread in a better place than they are right now. No matter how beaten down by the torturous monotony of their life they are, you saying this to them will give them something to look forward to and make them feel way better, even if that thing is death! Now this is something you have to fulfill your end of.

So merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, International Day of Neutrality, and any other December holidays you celebrate!