A Pail of Knowledge…and Poop
By: Rip Warren
Tags: News, The Bad Influence, Humor, Satire, Donald Trump

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A Pail of Knowledge…and Poop

The one thing that separates ape from man is the ability to not toss ones feces into another’s face. Rip Warren Follow Dec 10, 2020 · 4 min read

As some of you may remember, a little over a month ago, or five “Covid Years,” The New York Times released a bombshell article exposing the President’s finances and how much he’s paid in taxes over the past eighteen years. Spoiler alert, it’s less than his handlers spend to feed him every day.

The article also details just how much personal debt the President has, and somehow, it’s a number higher than Don Jr. at the RNC.

The New York Times story is an important piece of journalism, with an impeccable detailing of the President’s financial situation, and the conflicts of interests it creates, and it’s a story that deserves to be analyzed, scrutinized, and told to the American people.

Unfortunately, I have a much bigger, scarier story to tell.

A man in Florida dumped what is being called a “slurry of human waste” onto a 7–11 cashier’s head after getting kicked out for arguing over the price of a candy bar.

Now, I think it goes without saying that dousing a man in your fart pudding is just unkind. What have we come to as a country when the only way to settle our differences is to mix up a soup of urine and a weeks’ worth of dirty Dane cooks and toss it on an unsuspecting human’s money maker?

I for one am appalled. What does it say about us as a species when, instead of talking things out like civilized adults, we resort to crunching grumpy’s over buckets and waiting till the right moment to drench someone in a brown bubble smoothie?

This isn’t the first time someone in Florida has gotten in trouble for throwing their deuce juice in someone’s innocent mug. In Orlando, a woman was arrested for throwing a bucket of Ronald’s Revenge at her landlord because she feared she was being evicted. A man in Miami threw his sewer missile at the judge presiding over his burglary case, of which he was subsequently acquitted, but only because the jury was impressed with his aim.

Although I know the question is cliché, it does make one wonder why does this, pardon the pun, shit, always happen in Florida?

What happened to you, Florida? You used to be so cool. Back in the sixties, families flocked to your sunny beaches and quaint seaside towns for a weekend of peace and relaxation. Now you’re lucky if you come out of Disney World free of scabies and stab wounds.

But what’s happening in Florida is happening all over the United states. People are being pushed to the brink and for lack of any other outlet, throwing their feces like the primordial apes we seem to all be becoming.

Because it isn’t just opposable thumbs that separate us from our evolutionary ancestors, it’s also rational thought. And when Donald Trump and his cronies respond to thoroughly researched, well-articulated journalism like the piece in the New York Times with comments like:

“No that’s fake news. Totally Fake news. Made up. Fake.” — Donald Trump at a Press Briefing 9/27/20 when asked about NYT tax return story.

They assume we’re all just dumb primates, scratching our asses, picking flies off each other’s back.

And they might be right because another thing that separates us from the apes is the ability to choose our leaders based on cohesive reasoning, and not by measuring who has the biggest prolapsed anus, mostly because it wouldn’t be fair. Pence would win every time.

This election, we’ve been assaulted with fake voter fraud conspiracy theories ranging from ballot manipulation to it being orchestrated by George Soros, Hillary Clinton, and the Ghost of Hugo Chavez, and over seventy percent of the assholes who voted for him believe this shit.

Meanwhile, President Human Skintag is paying more to porn stars to stop talking about his weird dick than in federal income taxes.

Once again, Trump has been exposed as a charlatan, a cheat, and at best, a compromised leader and just about half of America couldn’t give a gosh darn poop bucket.

Well, I’m here to dump a pail on you. A pail of knowledge. You see, I get not caring. Not caring is what got me through college. But sometimes not caring is the worst thing to do.

Remember that time your mom asked what you wanted for dinner, and you said you didn’t care? Inevitably she ended up making her Tuna Noodle Casserole, at which point, you probably thought to yourself, “I really wished I had cared.”

Coincidentally, Tuna Noodle is also what Donald Trump calls his penis, and usually to about the same amount of fanfare.

My point is, sometimes, even though you’d rather not be forced to care about something, it’s for the best.

Caring about things like the possibility Donald Trump could ruin America with his wild conspiracy theories and his ability to summon Nosferatu, i.e., Rudy “Batboy’s Grandpa” Giuliani, whenever it pleases him, just so he and his family can keep partying like it’s 1984, seems like one of those times.

Because if you don’t care about a potential totalitarian narcist and his sadistic family ruining the legitimacy of all future elections and caring about the permanent damage done to this country you call home, the next time someone throws a pot of hot sloppy in another person’s face, I hope it’s yours.