The Harrowing Dystopian March of Coles Minis
By: Ryan Harvey
Tags: Opinion, Consumerism, Dystopia, Australia

The excessively upbeat Coles jingles shower the Australian public in earworms with a vigour and effectiveness Goebbles could only dream of. Murdoch media joyfully plaster entire pages of the local slack jawed tabloid shitfit with ads for what could easily be argued the most venomous promotional product on Australia. And those who prefer not to think about the realities of our world hoard Coles Minis with the effervescent ignorance of a Labrador pissing on an electric fence.

Australian consumer culture has long been defined by two corporations reining godlike over all food and beverage consumed upon our sun burnt land. With the great milk wars and green grocers across the country “straight up not having a good time” Coles have made a decisive right hook at Woolworths and the remaining tatters of any dignity the Australian shopper may have had.

Unfortunately for those who prefer to maintain the illusion of a rational public this right hook takes the form of Coles Minis. Tiny figurines which allow you to conveniently collect all the grocery items you just purchased so you can admire the brands Coles prefers you buy all over again. The eerie, self-imposed delusion of collecting smaller versions of the food you had to purchase in order to get the figurines is a labyrinthine windmill of circular logic. Those who answer interviews with a sentiment along the lines of “it’s just a bit of fun” should consider throwing themselves under the nearest Coles semi-trailer.

Let us consider for a second the monumental invasion of the Australian psyche Coles must perpetuate in order to make this promotion and by association their business successful. Coles have successfully convinced human beings (with brains) that they should be excited to collect small, plastic versions of the food products why so desperately need for their morning pep or obsessive-compulsive cleaning habits. The fact that particular brands are included while others ignored brushed aside as a natural practicality of a carry case “well you can’t fit all the products in there”. No, of course not, merely the ones Coles most hopes your 4-year-old grows familiar with as you bring the psychological asbestos into your play-room. In an even greater feat of brainwashing acrobatics, Coles have also managed to persuade the same semi-conscious public that a toy replica of a checkout is not only worth money but worthy of introduction to their children.

“Here, (insert misc modern name here) you can practice for your inevitable service to the glorious overlord. Would you like to be in the petrol station, alcohol or grocery division?”

Consumerist indoctrination of children is nothing new, but this particularly hypocritical assault on Australia’s children is more reprehensible than usual. The Australian public is acting as a willing vector — populating their subconscious and that of their immediately family with the same affection for Coles as an anti-tank dog holds for the dinner bell. By choosing to take these little toys we are strengthening the strangle hold Coles has on our hearts and minds and by the same token our children. We have the worlds most saturated grocery market. Every Coles, Woolworths, Officeworks, Bunnings, Target, Kmart, Big W or Dan Murphies belongs to one of these two companies. We are watching the most powerful corperations in the world duking it out for control over our essential-for-life products and we are ever so willingly bringing their propaganda into our homes. These Minis are the eyes and ears of Big Brother silently and inexorably inundating the sub-conscious of our children. We are calmly listening to the lullaby of the telescreen as we lull ourselves into the Orwellian day dream.

The earlier a child is introduced to a brand the more likely they are to grow up purchasing from that brand. This is a carefully calculated move on the part of Coles to slide their image into the hands of the youngest Australians. Their cunning a sure-fire advantage 15 years from now, when the unwitting victims come of age.

There is no such thing as a fun little toy when provided by corporate vested interests. You may choose to take these toys but do so knowing they are an attempt to increase your subconscious familiarity with one of Australia’s largest companies so you will buy with them more. Remember when you complete the full set that you have not only satisfied your need to hoard but also crumbled to the will of Australia’s tyrannical corporate big brother.