10 Skills To Master for an Enduring Polyamorous Relationship
Tags: Relatioship, Polyamory, Life, Nonmonogamy, Love

Despite what many believe, polyamorous relationships are not merely an excuse to cheat. Polyamory can be defined as a type of relationship based on the belief that it’s both possible and valuable to have more than one partner. As Tristan Taormino states in her book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, polyamory is based on the desire for “maintaining multiple significant, intimate relationships simultaneously.”

As amazing as this may sound, it’s not always easy to dive into polyamory, especially when you are new to this lifestyle. Here are the 10 skills you need to master for a healthy and enduring polyamorous relationship:

1-Own your feelings

No one is making you feel jealous, you are the only one who makes yourself feeling such emotions. This is probably the most difficult skill to learn. The truth is that if you want to have an enduring polyamorous relationship you should stop blaming others for what you are feeling.

The good news is that if you are responsible for your emotions you can act on those feelings. As Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, brilliantly point out in their book The Ethical Slut:

The problem is that when you blame someone else for how you feel, you disempower yourself from finding solutions. If this is someone else’s fault, only that person can fix it, right? So poor you can’t do anything but sit there and moan.

A bit brutal, but true.

2- Faithfulness

It may seem paradoxical but faithfulness is an important skill to have in polyamorous relationships. No, faithfulness has nothing to do with sex. It’s about caring for your partners and be able to be fully trusted by them. If you have a primary relationship, discuss with your partner what makes it so and be sure to stick to the rules. Trust is fundamental in this lifestyle.

3-Commitment is key

With polyamorous relationships come lots of work. Unlike what many believe, this type of relationship is not free from rules. Polyamory is based on mutual agreements between partners, so be ready to discuss for hours about rules and limits. Unless you are 100 percent fully committed to this type of life it will be very hard to find the right balance. Serena Petrella affirms in her book Ethical Sluts and Closet Polyamorists:

Your relationship will (only) work if you work on it — and if you work on yourself at the same time”

4-Knowing yourself

During your polyamorous relationship, you may discover new sides of yourself. It will be a constant self-exploration and your limits and boundaries will shift. Make sure to constantly interrogate yourself to discover whether your feelings have changed. Always keep your partners informed on whether new emotions such as jealousy arose.

5-Know your limits

Be sure to set limits for yourself. For instance, if you have a primary relationship, how many times are you allowed to meet with other partners? Do you always have to use protection with them?

Try to imagine situations which involve moral dilemmas and reflect on how you will act in these cases. For instance, are you willing to see someone whose partner doesn’t know about you?

6-Ask for reassurance

You partners cannot read your mind. Don’t wait for hours hoping they will understand that you are upset and getting angry if they don’t. It’s your job to ask for reassurance when you need it. As Dossie and Janet affirm:

Silent suffering and self-deception have no place in this lifestyle

How would you feel if your partner would ask you for reassurance? Probably happy to be able to help him and reassure him, right? It takes a lot of courage to ask, but it is necessary and it will make both you and your partner happy.

7-Communication

Communication has a fundamental role in polyamory. Most importantly, you need to be able to communicate properly. Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert give some useful examples in their book More Than Two. Here are some practices that will help you communicate effectively:

Open listening: listen carefully to what your partner has to say and before replying repeat what you think your partner said. This will show your partner that you were listening and understood properly.

Direct communication: always say what you mean without hidden meanings, subtexts or tacit expectations.

Non-violent communication: focus on your own feelings rather than on what other people made you feel. Sentences such as “I felt rejected” are always to be preferred to “I felt that you rejected me”.

8-Affection

In a polyamorous relationship, you can never give your partners for granted. You always have to remind them about your love for them, especially after a date with one of your other partners.

Fortunately, you can do so in many ways! Flowers and little presents are a good choice and a simple ‘I love you’ is always welcome. This has also a positive side for you as your partners will never end up giving you for granted, even after years of relationship.

9-Honesty

To have a healthy polyamorous relationship you need to be honest not only with your partner but first and foremost with yourself. Once you understand your emotions, whether jealousy or love for someone, make sure to tell your partners. As Christin Klesse point out in his article Notion of Love in Polyamory:

[Honesty] is the starting point for establishing a relationship culture in which the permanent re-negotiation of boundaries becomes possible

Only if there are no secrets between partners it will be possible to effectively discuss and create new agreements.

10-Go easy on yourself

You may want a polyamory relationship more than anything in the world. You might have been the one proposing it in the first place. Still, sometimes you will be upset. Don’t worry, we have all been there. You can’t fight jealousy by shaming yourself. Remember that also people in polyamorous relationships feel jealous and have all kind of negative feelings. What’s important is to learn from them rather than hide them.