Is He a Crazy Douchebag Wizard?
By: The Hairpin
Tags: Advice, Cheating, Ask A Dude

by A Dude and A Lady

Long time reader, first time writer. With a big mess of a problem. I can’t talk about this with anyone I know, because I’m certain I’m going to look like a huge ass (and he will too, which I don’t want). I think I already know what’s going to happen here, but I guess I need confirmation or something. Or maybe it’s not that bad and I should roll with it (probably not)? Let’s see…

There’s this guy (obviously), and we’ve hooked up a couple of times. I couldn’t figure out why, but when I was SO attracted to him and fantasized about sleeping with him almost instantly when I met him. We have GREAT sex, he’s in great shape, I’m in good shape, it’s really hot, we’re a good match for one another physically. He told me he’s never gotten off in anyone’s mouth before mine, and based on the face he made after the first time I gave him a BJ, I think he’s telling the truth. We have really great chemistry (which is a phrase I normally abhor but is very much true in this case), and we always have a lot of fun when we’re together. We lose track of time so easily; making out, heavy petting, sometimes just enjoying one another’s company.

I had a boyfriend when we met, and he had/has what he sometimes will refer to as a “fiance.” They’ve been “engaged” something like three years, and have no plans to actually get married. From what he tells me, he’s only with her because they have a small child together (groan), and she uses said child for leverage (according to him). He can’t break up with her, since their child is too young and he doesn’t want to have to go through a custody battle (since apparently his family life growing up wasn’t awesome). They don’t sleep in the same room, she’s emotionally unstable, she hits him, they argue all the time. He’s told me not to feel like I’m destroying his relationship with her, since it’s been a mess for so long. I don’t know whether these things are true, I don’t know her personally. He could be thinking he’s justifying messing around with me by telling me these things, or maybe they are true. I don’t really know. He has told me he’s cheated on her before, so I guess somehow that makes me feel less bad about it? He says that they just live together, and that they’re kind of sometimes friends but not in love, and don’t have sex.

I do know that I broke up with my boyfriend shortly after I hooked up with this guy, but NOT so I could BE with this guy. It just helped me realize that I wasn’t in love with my long-term boyfriend, and had no business cohabitating with him or talking about marriage since I obviously didn’t REALLY LOVE him (I haven’t had the guts to tell him I cheated on him, I didn’t think he’d be able to handle it. When we broke up, a lot of self-harming tendencies that I had never noticed suddenly surfaced, and I selfishly didn’t want to have a hand in amplifying them), and didn’t want to settle or string him along. I’ve never cheated on anyone, and really surprised myself, especially since on paper I’m sure this other guy sounds like a real winner (sarcasm). But I swear he’s a good guy deep down (that’s what they all say), and we do seem to have some sort of undeniable internal connection.

ANYWAY, so now I’m currently unattached, but still hooking up with/talking to this guy. Things have escalated, but I’m doing my best to maintain an emotional indifference to this guy because I know there’s no way it can end well. It just can’t, right? In fact, I already kind of tried to end/alter things a few times. Once, I tried to tell him I just wanted things to be physical between us, and he told me he didn’t want to be looked at as a sex object (which is understandable). A few months ago I tried again, because I don’t usually do things like this and I know if anyone ever found out, I would look like the dickhead in the whole situation (rightfully). He told me he loved me again, asked me not to stop seeing him, and I’ll admit I didn’t really want to. So I kept seeing him.

He tells me eventually he’s going to need to break up with his fiance, but I never prompt him to say anything like that. He also tells me that he’s in love with me. I don’t know if it’s true … I feel like it can’t be. It doesn’t make sense. I’ve never said it back to him, I’ve made fun of him for saying it, I’ve told him he shouldn’t feel like he needs to say it to me because of what we’re doing. And he still says it anyway, he says that he wants to. I never ask him for anything, I never ask him to meet me anywhere, I don’t really expect anything from him. And I’ve told him that. I never text him to hook up or anything, I usually follow his lead since HE’S the one with the crazy life. Not that that helps at all, I’m sure. I don’t really feel used, since I respect myself and I’m enjoying it. And he’s courteous, and has never been rude or disrespectful. In fact, I’ve given this guy ample room to treat me like a fling, and he hasn’t. He’ll text me just to randomly tell me where he is or what he’s doing, or a thought he’s having, or that he’s thinking of me. We talk on the phone (at length) and even get together for lunch sometimes. What the actual fuck has this turned in to?

I don’t consider this guy my boyfriend, and I don’t expect him to treat me like a girlfriend. But he’s openly expressed some feelings of jealousy at the prospect of me dating or being with someone else. Is this just douchebaggery? I told him it didn’t seem to bother him that I was with someone when we met, but he says that it did. I should just end this, right? I mean, I could totally see myself being with this guy, and it being awesome, but it’s not realistic so there’s no point, right? Does he actually like me, or is he some kind of crazy wizard? He’d just end up cheating on me too, right? It’s worth noting that I’ve omitted a fair amount of details here to save time (which didn’t really work). I definitely have some sort of feelings for him, there’s something special about him, but it’s too complicated, right?

Also, I know you have a ton of emails to work through. By the off chance you happen to get to mine, and can help in any way, leaving out some of the messier details when posting this might be helpful. I’m super paranoid that someone I know may read this and KNOW IT’S ME EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT’S CRAZY.

Thanks, Dude. Ugh.

A Dude: He doesn’t sound like a crazy wizard to me, just a guy with a complicated life who wants you in it. I don’t know why you’d break up with him just because it might not end well. You don’t sound unhappy, more confused about what kind of relationship you’re in and where it’s going. Is that worth blowing the whole thing up? I don’t think anything is “too complicated.” You say you never ask him for things, but you should. You should ask him everything you seem to be worried about. You should tell him how you feel, how conflicted you feel, how you have feelings for him. How you can see yourself with him. You’re past the point where you can save yourself from feeling bad if this relationship comes apart. But you’re obviously not satisfied with what it currently is and you want some reassurances. Get them. It doesn’t sound like he’ll leave you if you ask for more. Right now you serve as his escape from his real life. But who knows, maybe you could be his real life. The only way you could get there is by asking. If you’re worried about friends, society, the human condition, etc. Forget it. Your real friends will understand and society will be just fine with you being with a guy in or out of a relationship who has a kid.

A Lady: So because he came in your mouth you guys are meant to be together. Sure. Enjoy!

Sorry, I know that’s reductive. And who knows, maybe I’m just jealous. Anyway, I didn’t like you at the beginning of your letter, but then I did, and I appreciate that you’re trying to explain the complexity of this, and all relationships are complicated, and nothing’s perfect, and fuck it. Reduction is stupid. Yeah, I think A Dude is right on this. Just tell him all of this. See what happens. Yeah, what A Dude said. *throws self away*

Do you have a question?