Feeling as sexy as an old sock…
Tags: Single Parent, Change Your Life, Divorce, Mindset, Self Love

So this is something that has been weighing on my mind for a while…prob about 5 years but who’s counting! Since leaving my husband and embarking on my new life with my two little girls a huge thing for me has been self-image and how I perceive myself. Dealing with the fall out of a divorce really took a toll on me at a time when I was also caring for a 1-year-old and a 4 year old and trying to earn money to pay the bills, put vaguely nutritious food on the table and have a life etc etc and what happened was that I started to feel as sexy as an old holey sock (as in sock with holes in not a religious one as that would be weird)!

I never thought that I would get divorced (obviously as it’s not really a goal in life) and never ever expected to be a single mum at 40. When I finally got round to looking in the mirror what looked back at me was someone that was pretty much unrecognizable to me. A middle aged woman. F*ck me!!!!! How did that happen without me even noticing!!! It was like a punch in the over stretched stomach (I had huge babies and the stretched skin is there to tell the tale). My life flashed before my eyes! I was past it. There was no hope for me. If my stomach was that stretched, then what about the other bits?! Were all those wizard sleeve jokes now going to apply to me and would I ever pluck up the courage to find out!!!!!

I can honestly say I ripped myself to pieces. This abomination in front of me was a total failure. Stress etched my skin; I felt ugly, worthless and pointless and for a while the misery of that discovery followed me around and the bitterness turned my veins black and tainted every aspect of my life. I started dating someone about a year after my divorce, but my self loathing meant that I couldn’t participate as an equal partner as I felt grateful…GRATEFUL that he was dating me!! OMG I felt grateful that someone was dating me because I felt about as sexy and attractive as an old sock that has lost it’s other half and is rendered useless!!

I hated to look at myself and even though I cared for my appearance it always just felt like I was plastering over the cracks. That I was just pretending that I thought I was ok looking. Sometimes I would see a picture of myself with the kids and I would want to cry for the youth I left behind. I was embarrassed to look at myself because I couldn’t face up to the reality of who I was and accept that time had passed. Mostly everything became about how I looked. I began to believe that if I wasn’t perfect then no man would ever choose me. I felt like I had to overcompensate in the looks department to make up for the baggage of two young children and an ex-husband. I lost myself to a hugely negative perception of who I was and putting myself out there on dating apps became a way of trying to boost my self-confidence but often times all it did was bring me down even more when I got rejected and if you’ve read some of my other blogs you’ll know that I got rejected A LOT and I mean A LOT.

From the outside looking in I don’t suppose things look this way. I keep myself fit, I eat pretty well, I try not to booze too much. All these things I have to do for my sanity and my health. Chronic illnesses including chronic fatigue have been my best friends since before my divorce and depression has been the black dog that visits a little too often. I have been forced to take care of myself which I appreciate because otherwise I wouldn’t do it!!! Life has been 100% challenging. Most of that challenge is created by my self and ultimately my self loathing.

The last few years have been ones of massive growth. Learning about myself, my patterns, my mindset and how to find peace with myself. Peace has come in the form of accepting that it’s ok to feel a bit shit that I’m old and that I want to look/feel better. Allowing myself to want to make the best of myself without resorting to drastic measures. Allowing the vanity that is wanting to look good. WTF not? Our self-image defines who we are to the world but also who we are to ourselves. I may have felt about as sexy as an old sock but only I could make the decision to feel better! I wasn’t about to have my face off moment or get cryogenically frozen (I don’t even think that would help!) but I could start to think that I was sexy and that I’d got it going on (this is so far from the person that I am that it makes me feel a bit sick saying it).

I’m in my mid 40’s now…in February I will be 45 and that terrifies me but there is nothing we can do but embrace the here and now and channel that woman (man) that we want to be. I have never in all my years felt sexy and do you know what now I am beginning to because I want to. I want to have the fun of being a sexy lady who enjoys life to the full. It’s a tricky one as I tend to dress a bit like a boy/librarian a lot of the time but sexiness isn’t about getting your tits out. Sexiness is about loving yourself and being lighthearted enough to tease your way through life.

I’m still working on it, life will always be a work in progress. We only reach the finish line when our time is up but I’m enjoying it. I’m still shy, I find it hard to believe in myself but the more I focus on who I want to be the more I am embracing who she is and rather than making drastic changes to who I am I am deciding to be as sexy as a new sock because I think socks are sexy and that’s the whole point. We decide. We decide what’s sexy or not and that’s what makes us unique. I’ve spent so long trying to run away from who I am. Now I’ve discovered that if I just reframe the problem I am winning.

I’m as sexy as a new pair of socks. Complete. Useful. Often comedy. Everyone wants some for Christmas. THE END

For more about me and the rollercoaster that is my life as I rebuild in my 40’s with two little girls follow me on Instagram @theconsciouslifestylist x