If I could talk to my IUD again
By: Emily Brown
Tags: Sex, Education, Relationships, Humor, Life

A Q&A WITH KYLEENA, PART II

(Part I here)

Q: So, it seems you were right about the six months thing. Our anniversary hit and boom! My period came regularly again. What can I expect from the next six months? And what about that housewarming party?

A: To your first point — duh, girl! It’s not like I’m caressing a crystal ball willy nilly down here. I know myself intimately like I know you intimately. I’ll try not to be offended that the confirmation of my words of wisdom came as a surprise to you (*looks sideways*). As for the next six months, it’s time to . . . what is it the kids say? Kick it? Well, imagine me kicking it with your little eggies down here. They say hi, by the way. I’ve charged them with planning our housewarming party. When asked about the date, they said, “Oh, you’ll just know.” I’m thinking butterflies? Or sudden onset libido. Or maybe an unconquerable craving for cherry chocolate cake. Sneaky little things, aren’t they? Happy belated anniversary by the way, babe! I ordered roses, but then I worried about the thorns (*shudders*) . . . .

Q: Happy anniversary to you too, lady. I spared a few moments of silence in your honor that day. Going back to my period, though. It’s coming regularly, but I’m not convinced it’s regular. Seems like it’s all over the place — sometimes literally — in terms of flow. Can you shed any light on that?

A: Hah! Shed any light. You’re punny. Umm I’m going to stick with my original answer and say there is no normal. I’m hearing that a lot these days through the fallopian tube — this is the reproductive system’s grapevine. It’s my understanding that the world is saying there is no “return to normal.” So much has happened since we last talked, huh? Anyways, you can expect as much from your reproductive crew, too — no normal is the new normal. Better to just embrace it (*shimmies*).

Q: I’ve concluded that I’m too much of an emotional person to pin any of it on you and your beloved hormones. So, I’m not going to blame you for my moods, but when I’m in a mood, I might. Just a heads up.

A: Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it. I’d bring you tissues but I’m not sure my version of them would be very welcomed. A bit slimy, hmm? But I can offer you a shoulder . . . I’m told they’re pretty beefy.

Q: You’ve definitely earned my trust in preventing pregnancy. But that 1% still keeps you from a perfect score — no offense. Anything I can do to keep my mind at ease?

A: Thanks for pointing that out! I don’t mean that sarcastically. I’m proud that I’m not perfect — makes me more relatable (*winks*). But there is one thing you can do each month to make sure I’m right as rain, and that’s to check my strings. I’ll even try to wiggle them for you. Set a monthly reminder for our E.T. moment.

Q: Aye aye, captain. So, what have you been up to since we last talked?

A: Well, your vagina and I have had some interesting late — night talks — don’t worry, you’ve been sleeping — about the coronavirus and the open or don’t open debate. She has a lot to say on the latter, having a lot of experience with what it means to open up, ya know? Anyways, she and I like to talk about current events outside your body. Oh no, don’t look so sad! You are fascinating! Sorry, I forgot how sensitive you are (*pats my shoulder*). Other than those fireside chats — it’s hot in here — I’ve been keeping up with my calisthenic exercises and even took up yoga! I’m pretty inflexible, but I do a damn good tree pose. I’ve also been keeping up with your blog . . . I love the interview you had with Ava Avocado and Alfredo Espresso. I assume this interview will be added to the blog bunch? Let me know when it’s time to take my photo. I’d like to fix my curls (*twists strings*).

Q: Do you have any side hustles?

A: I’ve taken up the xylophone. Who knew the ribbing on your cervical wall was like the instrument! The eggies love it when I play. They bounce around like popcorn. Speaking of, got any snacks around here?

Q: Um, yeah. Chips are in the cupboard. Anything else you’d like to add before I take your picture for the post? Your curls look great, by the way.

A: Phew! Thanks. The humidity down here . . . can’t a girl get some anti-frizz? Yeesh. Anyways, uhh (*swings strings*) I think I’ll leave you with these few pieces of wisdom I found when surfing the internet. Is that even the thing to say anymore? Whatever; all these walls keep me behind the times. I came across these 68 pieces of unsolicited advice. Here are my top three — paraphrased:

(*holds up string*) Never trust all-purpose glue. (*holds up other string*) Being a generous listener is a superpower. When you listen to someone, keep asking them if there’s more until there really is no more. (*looks down*) Oh. (*looks up*) Pretend that the universe is secretly plotting to make you a success. It will be much easier to be successful if you accept this paranoia.

That’s it, that’s all. (*salutes*)