Where are all the bisexual men?
By: Patrick Osborne
Tags: LGBT, Gay, LGBTQ, Bisexual, Sexuality

Where are all the bisexual men?

Reflections on the apparent rareness of male bisexuality

Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash

Of the hundreds of men I have known reasonably well — friends, colleagues, acquaintances, etc — I can hardly think of any who openly identify as bisexual.

We’ve been told for years that sexuality exists on a spectrum. That there is a sliding scale running from 100% gay to 100% straight (see: Kinsey scale), with many possibilities and variations in between. The non-binary nature of sexuality is regarded by many as self-evident at this point.

But if sexuality is fluid, why do bisexual men seem so scarce? What is going on?

The Data

There have been many surveys and studies done to try to estimate the demographics of various sexual orientation types.

A 2011–2013 report by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services found that 2% of men ages 18–44 identify as bisexual. This number is in line with (if not higher than) other similar studies.

So, the simple answer to my original question of “Where are all the bisexual men?” may be that there simply aren’t that many of them after all. In other words, they seem rare because they are rare. Case closed, right? Maybe not.

This same study found that 6.5% of men of the same age range (18–44) were not exclusively attracted to the same sex (100% gay) or opposite sex (100% straight). When asked about their sexual attraction, they answered “mostly opposite sex”, “equally to both sexes”, “mostly same sex”, or “not sure”. Even if you remove the 0.7% of men who answered “not sure”, you still have nearly 6% of men who don’t fit into the fully straight or fully gay paradigm.

In other words, there are around 3 times as many men experiencing bisexuality (at least internally) than there are who identify as bisexual. A 2011 study by the Williams Institute at UCLA produced similar results, finding that a substantially higher number of adults reported same-sex attraction and behaviors than identified as lesbian, gay, or bisexual (in most of the surveys, it was 2–3 times higher).

So, rather than asking “Where are all the bisexual men?”, a better question may be “Why don’t more men who experience bisexuality identify as bisexual?”

I think there are many reasons for this, some obvious and some less so. But they all essentially boil down to one thing: incentives, or a lack thereof.

Stigma and Discrimination

The first reason applies to other non-straight sexual orientations as well. Homophobia is still rampant across many communities in the United States and beyond. For many, any man who has sexual or romantic relations with another man is doing something unnatural, sinful, disgusting, etc. Many men have been killed, ostracized, harassed, and bullied for loving other men.

There’s also a unique kind of stigma that exists around men who identify as bisexual. Many people question whether men can really be bisexual at all (unsurprisingly, scientific evidence indicates they can be). Because some gay men identify as bisexual before they identify as gay, there is a popular (mistaken) assumption that all bisexual men are just going through a stage.

Furthermore, bisexuality is commonly associated with anti-social characteristics; bisexual men are often portrayed in popular culture as dishonest, promiscuous, manipulative, scheming, etc.

Although the acclaimed 2005 film “Brokeback Mountain” was often referred to in the media as the “gay cowboy movie”, there is debate as to whether its lead characters (depicted above) are more accurately described as bisexual since they both had relationships with women as well.

And even though the “B” in LGBT stands for Bisexual, bisexuals aren’t universally embraced within the gay community either. Because they often engage in relationships with the opposite sex — and may appear to be leading a lifestyle that is indistinguishable from the heterosexual norm — bisexuals are often viewed with skepticism or negatively by members of other sexual minorities.

And this brings me to the next point.

Ability to Blend In

Unlike other innate characteristics, such as race, a person’s sexuality isn’t usually obvious to others unless they choose to reveal it. For many (if not most) gay men, “coming out” is a scary and difficult choice, but also a necessary one in order to live a fulfilling life.

But this isn’t always true for men who are bisexual.

I knew I was attracted to men from a young age, but did not come out until my last year of college (after I had finished playing competitive sports). Although this sounds sad, it really wasn’t so bad. I was still able to have satisfying, passionate relationships with the opposite sex and I didn’t feel like I was pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I just wasn’t sharing everything.

I imagine this is very different for closeted gay men, who are pressured to feign interest in the women while concealing all of their genuine attractions and romantic/sexual emotions.

Today, I am married to a woman. Some of our friends are aware that I am bisexual, some aren’t. To my knowledge my wife’s family isn’t. They assume, like most people do, that people in opposite-sex relationships must be straight. The only way they would know that I’m bisexual is if I told them, which I haven’t felt compelled to do. Why would I?

And this brings us back to incentives: What reason does a man who experiences some non-trivial level of attraction toward other men have to label himself part of a minority, not-particularly-liked or well-defined, group if he doesn’t need to in order to live happily?

I have chosen to openly identify as bisexual, but I completely understand why a person in a similar situation may not feel the need to do so. Most people I encounter (especially if my wife is with me) assume I’m straight and I’m ok with that for the most part.

What is the alternative? Announcing my sexual orientation on social media so I can be sure the maximum number of people know? Bringing it up to people who don’t know me very well or would not want to know anyways?

Sexuality obviously isn’t a choice, but labeling oneself is (especially for bisexuals).

Limitations of Labels

Although labels only seem to be growing in popularity these days, they aren’t something I’m a big fan of.

In a 1984 interview with the Village Voice, African-American writer James Baldwin (author of Giovanni’s Room, a novel which was notable for its open and nuanced portrayal of same-sex love) expressed his uneasiness with the labeling of sexual orientations:

“You see, I can only talk about my own life. I loved a few people and they loved me. It had nothing to do with these labels. Of course, the world has all kinds of words for us. But that’s the world’s problems.”

Baldwin is pictured here on the cover of his controversial 1956 novel.

On this point, I wholeheartedly agree with Baldwin. Why does something as personal and varied as our sexuality need to be categorized and labeled?

But despite my reservations, I have chosen to identify as bisexual for a few reasons:

1 — I have always been interested and involved in politics, which is the main arena in which I think that sexual orientation labels are useful. When I came out, same-sex marriage was not legal, and discrimination against people based on their sexual orientation was. The ability for the LGBT community to organize and build public support in their fight for civil rights has been crucial, and the labels seem to have helped in that effort. So, being politically-minded, I wanted to show solidarity and support for the movement and I felt using the label was helpful in that.

2 — I also don’t mind people assuming that I’m right in the middle of the spectrum because it’s more or less accurate for me. I’m not straight, mostly straight, gay, or mostly gay — I feel a more or less equally strong attraction to both men and women, which is definitely not the case for all men who experience bisexuality.

3 — I am lucky enough to have family and friends around me who I knew would accept me. Unlike many others, I had the luxury of coming out without fear that I would be abandoned, looked down upon, or worse.

But I understand that most men who are attracted to both men and women aren’t in these circumstances. Many men who would like to come out as bisexual may reasonably conclude that the pitfalls of doing so simply outweigh any potential benefits. Meanwhile, many men who possess some level of bisexuality may feel no need to adopt a label based on this aspect of themselves. The option may never even cross their minds.

This appears to be the case for one sub-category of men — coined the “mostly straight” male by Cornell University Professor Ritch C. Savin-Williams. While “mostly straight” men experience some level of same-sex attraction, it is relatively small compared to their level of opposite-sex attraction. In other words, they’re much closer to the fully straight end of the spectrum than the middle. Savin-Williams writes:

“He (the mostly straight male) may retreat from a full identification with heterosexuality, but rarely does he gravitate toward bisexuality, and almost never does he move toward homosexuality of any sort. Thus, he is a closer cousin to straight guys than to traditional bisexual guys.”

Here we run into the limitation, or perceived limitation, of the bisexual label to effectively capture the vast area in between straight and gay.

In Conclusion

It appears that fewer than 7% of men could even reasonably be described as bisexual. Among this group, a minority (about 2% of all men) actually self-identify as bisexual. Of these 2%, many may choose to keep their identity private (for many of the reasons we have discussed).

Meanwhile, even those who do “come out” publicly as bisexual may blend in with straight people most of the time, especially when they are in relationships with women. They may be right under our noses without us even realizing it (as I surely am for many people I know).

So it turns out there’s a perfectly logical explanation for why bisexual men seem so scarce in our society. There aren’t a ton of them to begin with, and it’s relatively easy for those who do exist to go unnoticed, either intentionally or unintentionally.

There is, however, some reason to believe that male bisexuality may become more visible in the future. Tolerance around sexuality has been generally increasing for years and younger generations of men appear to be getting more comfortable acknowledging some level of sexual fluidity.

For instance, the “mostly straight” group of men I mentioned is on the rise: 5.9% of men 18–24 report being attracted to “mostly” the opposite sex, compared to just 3.4% of men 25–44. Professor Savin-Williams describes this younger generation of slightly bisexual men as having “a more nuanced and open-minded conception of their sexuality than older generations”.

If these trends continue, it’s likely we’ll see a growing overall comfort with the concept of male bisexuality and possibly even with the label itself. Although, from my standpoint, the end goal should not be to siphon off more men from the gay or straight identities into the bisexual identity; it should be to build a culture that recognizes the inherent limitations of labeling sexuality and is humane enough that we no longer need them.

James Baldwin believed that in an ideal world “No one will have to call themselves gay”. The same must surely apply to “bisexual”.