The Power of the words and company of Friends and Family during Grief
By: Jody Podbury
Tags: Death, Grief And Loss, Family, Friends

In October of 2018 my mother unexpectedly passed away. This is not that story. Instead it is the story of some of the support that was provided to me in the last few months and what resonated with me that i thought was worthy of sharing.

In the immediate days after mum passed it was more than a Bit of a Blur it was a total Cyclone of information and emotions. Some laughter but lots of tears. I spoke to family and friends and clearly my partner was a strength. Telling me I was doing really well — I am not sure it was true but it was such a great thing to hear and calmed me beyond words.

Leading up to the funeral there were many kind words and the support wrapped me completely in love and care. Flowers, cards, donations to the nominated charity and of course the many personal contacts via modern methods — email, messages, facebook and the traditional in person and phone calls.

After the funeral the immediate urgency of action ebbed and the ongoing daily life through grief commenced — this is the time the long-lasting messages have sustained me and I wanted to share them.

My friends Amy and Kris have been superb — but in particular Amy guiding me through based on her own personal experience with the sage advice of — you will have lots of triggers be kind to yourself and aware and give yourself time — She has checked in with me regularly ever since and I have found this invaluable. There has been many triggers where i have suddenyly welled up with tears or felt a sense of panic in my chest — but rather than freak out or wonder why this was happening I accepted it and just let it happen, understanding this was all part of the healing process. As an example my mother loved Christmas…i mean loved Christmas collecting a ridiculous amount of decorations and playing Christmas Carols — so obviously not going to be a problem in the late weeks of November and all through December right — a tough time. Having the option to retreat and take some time has been quite frankly life-saving during this time.

My cousins Katrina and Lisa and all their families have been wonderful— but mostly Katrina and Lisa who again checked in with me regularly — again sharing from their own personal experience — the power of walking — to deal with those moments when life was interrupted by the grieving process. And thanks to my colleagues Richard and Phil who provided infinite patience in joining me on the at first multiple daily walks around the block, reducing to less frequent when needed (but still needed sometimes) . The kind ear the distraction and the feeling of being supported has made this journey a little easier.

Another colleague Sarah who helpfully told me — Let the tears come — this advice sustained me over the Christmas break, when I felt ok with stopping to cry when i needed to. In the context of family Christmas you can try to fight it — but allowing myself to have those moments I think was the most healing experience of all.

All of my knitting crew both close and distributed have been supportive. However one piece of advice stood out Mary-Helen provided this gem — Clearing out your mother’s belongings is emotional work — by calling it work she reminded me that It was ok to feel exhausted physically and emotionally by this. I have now found myself taking a little more time and allowing this to unfold more slowly, not expecting to get through as much or complete it all quickly.

Lastly advice in all the professional Support is to —Keep doing the things you love — For me this was spending time with family and friends, staying in contact with the distributed family, Knitting both alone and in company and also attending some live music again with friends. So for me I would change this to — Keep doing the things you love with family and friends

I was lucky enough to see the Breeders and Nick Cave either side of Christmas in the company of amazing friends — sharing a few drinks, food and live music you love that touches you is always amazing — So thank you Kris, Amy, Michael, Amanda, Donna and David, Talking a bit of life and nonsense whilst anticipating for attending a music show and even sharing the trip home provided me much joy in this time.

To my knitting Groups — Thursday Night Knitters, Inner City Knitting Guild and the Crafty Bitches of Marrickville and also those a little further a field. The joy of spending time with you in our weekly, annual, fortnightly and monthly events sharing knitting, craft food, drink and most importantly talking has been invaluable in my life but especially in this period. There are so many of you to list here — but you know exactly who you are!

So if you or a friend are dealing with this situation maybe this will help you.

Most importantly be guided by the person doing the grieving and offer them support but do not be offended if they say no thank you or want to move on. Everyone deals with this in their own time and way.