How To Keep Tabs on Your College Student Without Crossing the Line
By: Mary Devries
Tags: Helicopter Parents, College, Parenting, Social Media, Letting Go

How Things Have Changed

When I left for college, my parents drove me to a Dennys’ parking lot where I got into a Volvo station wagon with two people I had never met for the drive from California to Michigan. They waved goodbye to me and my two suitcases and then knew nothing about how I was doing until I arrived at college four days later and called collect.

I’d call once a month or so for a brief conversation, long-distance being a pricey event in those days. I wrote a couple of letters during the semester and that was it. For the most part, my parents were in the dark as to my doings.

When my eldest left for college, we drove her to school and carried load after load of recently purchased gear up to her dorm room. We met her roommate, her RA, and the professor in residence at her dorm. We ate with her at the dining hall and attended the welcome speech for parents which had the thinly veiled message, “Go home. They’ll all be fine. If we admitted them to this august institution you have nothing to worry about. Please pay all bills on time and otherwise don’t bother us.”

After teary-eyed hugs (my tears only), we walked away and didn’t get a phone call for three weeks. She was pretty good about sending a LOL to a pet photo text, so we knew she was alive—but that was about it.

I, however, had a powerful tool not available to my mother to help me cope with this abrupt cut-off of connection, the internet.

I spent a lot of time in those three long weeks scouring the university website. I looked at the course requirements for every major and minor my child was likely to consider. I did a deep dive on clubs she might be interested in. I checked out professors and read Reddit threads. I looked at local churches and what student groups they had. I started following several university and club accounts on Twitter as well as a few professors I found.

Some of you are probably backing away in horror about now. “Step away from the crazy lady,” you think to yourself. “Geez, woman, land the helicopter already.” I hear you, but in my defense, pay attention to what I did not do.

I did not tell my daughter I was doing any of this research. I did not give her any helpful hints or advice based on what I had learned. I kept it all to myself.

I also did not call her or ask her to call me. I let her have whatever space she needed to adjust to university life. I let her determine the terms of how much and when she would contact me.

This is not the only approach to take to launching a child, but I knew this child was fully competent to handle herself and she needed and wanted that space. Using the internet to explore her new world in a way that did not demand her participation helped me to feel connected to her and made it easy for me not to cave and beg for her attention.

Read on for recommendations on how you can be a healthy stalker. And keep in mind that this advice applies to healthy children and parents. If you are dealing with mental illness, drug abuse, suspected violence, or suicide, the rules change and you should seek professional guidance to determine your path forward instead.