Your Great Love Story Might Be With Your Girlfriends
By: Acamea Deadwiler
Tags: Friendship, Culture, Love, Feminism, Women

Your Great Love Story Might Be With Your Girlfriends

Romance isn’t a requirement.

Photo by Jackie Parker on Unsplash

I was watching a reunion special with the cast of the culturally relevant sitcom, Girlfriends. The show focuses on a group of women with contrasting backgrounds and lifestyles who become best friends. Its eighth and final season aired in 2008 during the writer’s strike, before a proper series finale could be filmed.

Tracee Ellis Ross played the leading character in Girlfriends named Joan. She was engaged in the show, but we never got to the wedding. During the reunion special, the host asked Tracee how she would write Joan’s ending if given the opportunity.

The show’s fans anticipated seeing Joan, who was perpetually unlucky in dating finally get the adoring husband and family she desired and deserved. But Tracee’s answer went in a different direction.

“I don’t think that Joan has gotten married,” Tracee responded. “I think that Joan is actually happy in herself. I don’t think she’s had a child and I don’t think she’s gotten married. And I think it sets the example of; the happy ending does not mean that you ride off with a man on a horse... Maybe her friends are her thing.”

Tracee said she felt that making a wedding the centerpiece of Joan’s ending undermines the story, and perpetuates the myth that marriage is the goal for a woman. She believes that the love affair of the show is between the Girlfriends. Not to say that men, partners, or children shouldn’t be included — but Joan’s relationship with her friends is enough on its own.

What Tracee said made me think of two things.

First, it reminded me of what Prentice Penny, showrunner for the Emmy-nominated HBO sitcom Insecure, had to say after the show’s most recent season finale.

The main characters, Issa and Molly, are best friends but had been estranged for much of the season. In the meantime, each was nurturing a promising romantic relationship with a guy. However, in the finale, it all falls apart. The two ladies find their way back to one another.

Insecure fans were particularly disappointed that Issa and her ex-boyfriend were wonderfully reunited for the first time in three seasons — only to have it not work out, again. Prentice responded to the dismay with this tweet:

Although these are TV shows and fictional characters that Tracee and Prentice were discussing, they make a critical real-life point. It all made me think of how, since I was a girl, I’ve carried the same sentiment that the two of them expressed.

Friendships are relationships.

Yet, we don’t always value them as such. Or, we place disproportionate value on those that involve romance.

I never adopted the notion that relationships with boys or men are innately superior to other forms of companionship. My close group of high school friends didn’t operate this way either. If we got boyfriends, they had to fit into our dynamic, not the other way around.

None of us ever coupled up with a guy and disappeared or became noticeably less available. Nurturing our friendship always came first. It was the love affair of our stories.

Granted, we were in high school and not yet establishing serious, life-altering commitments. But I saw other girls ditch their friends for boys all the time. Then as we got older, I saw other women follow suit.

Our group never did this — not even as we matured and went out into the real world. I realize now how lucky we were. However, they spoiled me as far as my expectations of friendship.

As an adult, I couldn’t understand when I saw women go out of their way for random men, but not show their best friend the same consideration. It bothered me if a close girlfriend got into a relationship and went missing. If I suddenly didn’t hear from her much and she declined every invitation to do something with me, it was hurtful.

When a relationship changes, it takes some getting used to — I know. We’re adults now, with different priorities. I get it.

I just loathe the idea of a relationship with a man being more substantial simply because it’s with a man. I can’t agree with the notion of disregarding someone who’s given you years of love, care, support, and unconditional friendship because “Hey, I’m seeing someone now.”

I’m well aware that as women, we’re conditioned to view the attention of men as something to be coveted. The picture painted for us of happily ever after does indeed portray finding our prince charming, becoming his wife, and having babies. That goal is set for us without our consent.

Such a viewpoint attaches a stigma to being single. It makes women self-conscious about being unwed or struggling to “keep a man.” It causes us to diminish the significance of platonic relationships and additional sources of love.

It’s a beautiful thing to find your person.

To build a life with someone, share experiences, and form a butterfly-inducing bond feels….AMAZING. That’s undeniable. There’s also no substitute for passionate, meaningful, physical intimacy.

However, you can have a great love story without romance.

You can love and be loved, fiercely, with no sexual component — and the blessing remains beyond measure.

That’s what shows like Girlfriends, Insecure, and even The Golden Girls demonstrate. Love is love. It doesn’t lose substance based on who’s involved in the exchange. Finding love in any form is enviable.