This $29 2-Ounce Bottle of Fruit Juice Will Change Your Life, or Kill You
By: Davy Carren
Tags: Health, Food, Satire, Humor

Hello, lovers of healthy lifestyles and purveyors of fine fruit juices. I would like to introduce you to the newest chic and hip fruit drink on the block: The Murderous Mélange. It’s a real “juicer’s juice” with all the fascinating mouth-tingling pleasures of strange fermentations and distillations that your refined palette craves. I promise you, this drink will drive your taste buds delirious, not to mention supply your supple and tight bod with all the nutritional benefits it so desperately requires. They’re already starting to refer to it as “tots amaze” in certain juicery circles. And, as an extra bonus for all of you adrenaline junkies out there, imbibing this tantalizing and luscious beverage could literally kill you. Yes, you heard correct. The Murderous Mélange contains an ingredient that could be deadly if ingested, though in small amounts it really creates a wondrous sensation of hearty satisfaction, with a kick too! So, drink up!

To start, we rigorously select from the most delicate and hard-to-find harvest of kiwanos, jujubes, and tamarillos. No gloves are used, only well-scrubbed hands. You cannot expect to achieve greatness with rubber or latex in the way. It is only by these discriminating methods that the perfect texture can be found, and our expert pickers have been trained to do so by observing rhesus macaques carefully handle fruit on the walls of India’s Red Fort of Agra.

After this bounty has been collected, we then send out our team of Metropolitan Gatherers to the farmers markets. There, among the stalls and vegetable stands, they glide effortlessly, guided by their superior senses, to the highest quality of Korean melons, cherimoya, durians, mulberries, longan, loquat, and green bananas. Again, these are all gathered by bare well-washed hands and selected for their supreme and distinct odor of ripeness.

Back at our factory (which is a repurposed yoga studio, replete with the most advanced machinery in juice technology, steel girders and porcelain-tiled floors and walls, and an indiscernible pulp-storage facility located on the grounds) our fruits are inspected and ranked by top botanists, who then pass the highest ranked ones along to the “Nectar Enhancers.” These plucky chemists use a complex method of extraction-division enhancements to bring the brightest flavors out of even the seed and rind. All the fruits are broken-down and “fist smashed” by semi-pro arm-wrestlers, and then sliced into tiny pieces by Samurais with katanas of the best Japanese steel. We refer to this one-of-a-kind enhancement stage as the Craft and Crush® (patent pending) revitalizing procedure.

After the “nectar enhancement and revitalizing” process is complete, the product is then hand-rolled through a fine powder of single-origin, organic, pulverized Gila-monster droppings (which have been meticulously processed by hand as well by the most talented dung sorters from Brazilian rain forests.) This unique process gives the soon-to-be-juiced product its distinct taste and mouth-watering robustness.

A sprinkling of arsenic is then added to the mixture.

This savory pulp mush is then placed on a tatami mat where it is fanned on all sides by licensed chiropractors with small palm fronds. These chiropractors all fan in one synchronized motion, backs arched and arms held at just the right angle to inflict the perfect breeze. The timing is very important to the character of the final product. It is not taken lightly. The chiropractors are severely punished with small electric shocks for any mistimed fanning.

It is now time for the final juicing! Everyone at the factory is always, “Super stoked and pumped!” for this last step. All Murderous Mélange employees gather around to witness the juice make its first appearance from our patented Masticating Triurating Vertical Auger Stainless Steel Cold Press. This fine piece of machinery’s blades clock-in at a revolutionary dual speed of 1,800 rpm and 8,000 rpm, causing only a fraction of the aeration of most juices on the market. After much (but not too much) spiral agitation and some serious good vibes, a goopy, viscous, owl-beak-colored fluid emerges. One whiff of this enviable concoction’s fragrant bouquet of sandalwood, magazine-gloss, and burnt-coffee scent, and you will be hooked on more than just a feeling. Not to mention the quirky notes of tar with aged-plum highlights that will sparkle and serenade your tongue upon sipping.

You will taste and feel the difference as this elaborate liquid quenches all of your most exorbitant desires, with enough fiber to easily pass even a cement-hard stool. Your knees will no longer crack when you kneel down. You will have confidence on the phone. Your sleep will be easy and your bowel movements will be superb. All of your promise and potential will be achieved. Internet service will be lightning-quick. You will not dread going to the gym. Life will be a constant reward and achievement for you to revel in. You will look great in your pajamas. That is, unless you die from arsenic poisoning. But isn’t it worth the risk? Think about it: for only $29 dollars you’ll get a 2-ounce bottle of this magical elixir to sip at your leisure, to have and to hold, to swallow down and say, “Ah!” afterwards with an unquantifiable satisfaction. So go ahead, take a chance! Take a swig! Sure, you might die. So what? Don’t be a wimp. Be bold! Be Daring! All the pleasures of The Murderous Mélange are waiting for you!

(Murderous Mélange reserves all rights upon consumption of The Murderous Mélange juice drink by the consumer as to bear no responsibility for the death of the consumer from imbibing said beverage, and therefore has no liability for any lives lost after the consuming any of its beverages.)