I Failed The Florida Man Birthday Challenge
By: Clem Samson
Tags: Internet, Satire, Memes, Lifestyle, Humor

My friends and I were hanging out and they told me about the Florida Man challenge, where you Google “Florida Man” and your birthday. People got all kinds of wacko shit, like “Florida Man Arrested For Eating Dirty Underwear” or “Florida Man Decapitates Family Cat, Displays Head On Stick.”

Wow, that Florida is a wacky state. I couldn’t wait to see what Florida Man did on my birthday, so I put in “Florida Man, September 10, 1989.”

What came up? “No results.”

Story of my life — no results, I mean. Things that seem to come so easily for other people for some reason never work for me. For instance, jogging. It usually makes people lose weight. I took up jogging and gained fifty pounds. What the fuck is wrong with me?

“Dumbass,” someone pointed out. “You’re not supposed to put the year of your birthday. Just the month and the day.”

“Huh?”

It was too late. Everybody already saw that I was a “no results” type of person who didn’t fit in. That’s okay.

“Let’s play another game,” my friends said.

And they told me about the porn name challenge. You take your family pet and the street you first lived on. Hilarity ensues. For example, one of my friends got “Pinky Walnut.” I mean, that is pretty funny, got to admit.

“OK, Clem,” they said. “It’s your turn.”

My heart sank. I knew it wasn’t going to work out for me. It never does. But I went through with it anyway. What can you do? The show must go on.

“Bill One Hundred and Seventh Street,” I said.

They all laughed at me. See, no results.

“You’re not supposed to say ‘street’, dummy.”

“Oh, OK,” I said. “Bill One Hundred and Seventh.”

Still no results!

They looked at me in silence. That was the least funny porn name ever. What the fuck was wrong with me?

“Did you ever live on any other streets or have any funnier pet names?” they said.

“Um… let me think about it,” I said. “How about Spot Avenue C. Is that funny?”

They looked mad at me now.

“No, it’s not funny at all,” they said. “And we already told you, you’re not supposed to say ‘street’ or ‘avenue’ or ‘road.’ That ruins it. What are you, stupid?”

“Spot C?” I said weakly, trying to show that I wasn’t stupid.

That was stupid.

“That sounds like skin cream or something,” they said, and they laughed at me. Not with me, at me.

We went on to another super fun game — the dress challenge. They show you a picture of a dress. Some people see it as blue. Some people see it as gold. For some reason. My friends were shouting at each other, “It’s blue!” “No, it’s gold!” And they were laughing until tears came from their eyes. Then they looked at me.

“What color do you see?” I said.

I was filled with dread and a sense of doom. There was no way this was going to work out. But I did it anyway. I looked at the dress.

“Um…” I said. “I see a kind of… teal?”

There was silence. Yep… no results.

“What the fuck is teal?” they asked me.

“Um…” I said. “It’s a color.”

Somebody needed to change the subject really fast because things were getting awkward with a capital awk. There was clearly a misfit in their midst. And my group of friends did not consider themselves misfits. They considered themselves awesome. How did somebody as non-awesome as me make it into their gang?

“I know,” someone shouted out, mercifully relieving the tension. “Let’s do the Yanny or Laurel challenge!”

“Yay!” everyone said. Because they loved the Yanny or Laurel challenge. They played this audio clip. Apparently half the people heard the word Yanny, and the other half heard the word Laurel. It was hilarious. Because people were so certain that it was Yanny. They were also so certain that it was Laurel. And that was weird! How could half the people hear one thing and the other half hear something else?

Then they looked at me.

“Don’t even bother,” they said. “It’s not going to work with him.”

“Come on, guys,” I said. “Give me a chance. Let me take the challenge.”

They played the audio clip. I listened. My face must have shown my panic.

“See!!” they said. “We knew it wouldn’t work. But go ahead and tell us anyway.”

My eyes must have been bulging and my face must have turned red — or teal, because I wasn’t getting much oxygen. They all knew I was lying. I said it so weakly.

“Um… I hear… Yanny?”

Why did I put a question mark after it? Duh!

“No, you didn’t!” they screamed at me. “You’re lying. We know you are. Tell us, what did you hear really?”

I had to confess. I just came out with it.

“I heard… ‘porcupine’, I think.”

“Porcupine?!?”

They were horrified. They started throwing things at me. But they seemed pretty happy. I guess every group needs one person like me… to make them feel better about themselves.

Then I remembered — a porcupine has quills.

“Alright,” I said. “I’ve got a challenge. Let’s see how you do with my popular internet challenge. I bet you can’t do it right either. I bet you’re not so perfect as you all pretend to be. Do you want to try it or not? Huh?”

They agreed to try my challenge.

“Alright, here’s the challenge,” I said. “I challenge you to watch my fat ass twist as I bounce the fuck outa here, bitches.”

I turned and walked proudly out. They were stunned into silence. Thanks, Beyonce!

At last, I got some results!