How To Overcome The Fear Of “Not Enough”?
By: Yan H.
Tags: Health, Mental Health, Self Improvement, Positive Psychology, Self

The fear of “not enough” is not something to be taken likely, as with all other fears, if we don't learn to manage this, and dig deep to understand what’s causing it, then our level of joy, fulfillment, and happiness in life are only as limited as the fear controlling us.

I suffered from this fear throughout my life, so much so, it debilitates both my professional and personal life. It had caused me not to apply for jobs that I want, or go on dates that I feel I truly deserve.

Having to go through years of self-reflection, psychotherapy, and my own personal health coaching journey, I have slowly but surely transformed from “not enough” to be at peace with “Come as I am because where I am at now, I am more than enough.”

These are the tactics and things that I learn to help me overcome this fear and break free.

1 ) We are the stories we tell ourselves. Flip the story in our minds and change the world we perceive to live in.

The Work by Byron Katie has not only helped but also inspired me whenever the rubber meets the road.

Whenever the thought of “I am not enough for _____”, I will ask myself these 4 questions.

- Is it true?

- Is it absolutely really true?

- How do I react when I believe it is true?

- Who will I be without that thought?

Then I will flip the story in my head and come up with a statement that expresses the opposite of what I believe, either by saying it out loud or writing it out repeatedly until I actually feel a sense of inner peace and calm.

An example which I believe many women can relate is this, “I am not good enough for my job” or “I am not good enough for my clients so I think I should do more for them or give them a discount.”

At some point in my life, whenever I have these questions popping in my head, my heart beats faster and my breath becomes heavier because I feel misaligned — I want to do what my heart or intuition says yet my thoughts in my mind is stopping me.

Applying the 4 questions from the Work, this is what happens in my head.

- Is it true?

Well, yes, I think I am not good enough because Kathy has 10 more years of experience and has a string of qualifications. I won’t be good enough for the job.

- Is it absolutely really true?

Well, hmm, I am not sure. Maybe not? I have my unique personal experience as a cancer survivor and entrepreneur. I also have 5 years of experience in this field and have undergone training before getting my certifications. Also, it takes time to build experience anyway. So maybe, it is not entirely true, though it is true that Kathy has more years of experience than I do and training in her domain of expertise.

- How do I react when I believe it is true?

I get really down, dejected and anxious. I feel like I am a complete failure and that I will never be a successful and good enough coach for anyone, let alone, help anyone transform their lives.

- Who will I be without this thought?

OMG, I would totally feel light and carefree. I will feel confident and clear about what I can bring to the table each time. I think I would definitely attract the kind of people whom I resonate with and most of all are able to help.

After answering these 4 questions with the best of my ability, I flipped the story around with an opposite statement. I will say something like, “I don’t need more years of experience or a list of qualifications to be good enough for my clients.”

Sometimes, as I dug deeper, I soon find myself shift from a “scarcity” lens to an “abundance” lens, and focus on what I do have, zoom in on these resources and build my own strengths and reasons for why I am good enough.

Over the years, the fear of not enough for my work has gradually melted away like heated butter.

2 ) “Listen to the song here in my heart.” — Beyoncé

Working as a health coach in training and former UX researcher has put a spotlight on the art of listening for me. As I learn to practice the skill of listening to others, I also worked on listening to myself, even though it is a painful and hard process.

Listening is a skill that seems to be lost in us, given how society demands faster and better solutions, resulting in most of us rushing throughout the day.

I learn that when I really listen to the stories my head is telling me, and the truth my heart is telling me, the Work abovementioned also become a lot more impactful and purposeful. The change resulted also becomes more meaningful and sustainable.

3) Remember Superheros and superheroines are fictional characters

I love superheroes and superheroines. They inspire and motivate me to better at what I do and who I am. However, if we aren’t careful, it can warp our reality of who we really are.

We don’t have to be supermoms or superwomen, by doing it all or being it all.

More often than not, the top female achievers we know of, who can multitask between keeping a household running smoothly, raising kids, and work, aren't doing it all by themselves. Look closely, most of them have either some kind of help and support, or they have to sacrifice a thing or two.

Realizing this from years of observing and working with women, made me realize that I don’t have to do-it-all, know-it-all, and be-it-all. This helps tremendously in framing things in a realistic manner thus, overcoming the fear gingerly.

4) Vulnerability is (more than) enough

Perhaps one of the greatest things I have learned is about being okay to say, “I don’t know” when I truly don’t know.

It was a humbling and eye-opening experience for me when Brené Brown shared her own vulnerable story on TED Talk, which became one of the top 5 most viewed TED talks, with over 40-million views. This has subsequently spurred thousands of women and men breaking their own facades and opening up to share their “I don't know” moments.

I witnessed the moment of vulnerability when one of the master coaches, said to us in a training session, that she really doesn’t know the answer to a question one of the students pose. And it isn't those exact words that she said, but more so the way she said them that has made so much impact on me, that a genuine “I-don't-know” is as powerful, if not more powerful than an “I know the answer”.

Vulnerability is not something that is natural for most of us, as it involves a safe space for us to shed our armors and acknowledge the “I-am-not-” or “I-don’t-know” moments. However, the more one practices vulnerability, the more they are healed, and the stronger they become in being a more authentic version of themselves.