Silent Suffering — Rest in Peace. In early February 2021, I was heading…
By: Hagop Sarian
Tags: Pain, Live, Suicide, Death, Suffering

In early February 2021, I was heading off to work when I noticed Police tape barring the entrance of my building. Police cars were parked on the driveway and I was unable to exit my own building. I was forced to exit through the Garage.

Later on that day, I passed by my street and realized they had barred the entire street. No one was allowed to enter and I felt even more puzzled. I continued on with work and by the time I returned home, the police were gone, tape removed and everything was back to normal.

The following day, I encountered my penthouse neighbor while riding up the elevator. He revealed the mystery of the police presence.

Our 20 year old neighbor on the 12th floor jumped off the balcony and splattered on the driveway. I was thrown into shock. A McGill Chinese student entering her twenties was suffering so much that she took her own life. This culture of slavery makes people want to die.

I was depressed for a week. My heart exploded with sadness realizing that someone so young robbed herself of all life’s opportunities. No more breathing, waking, sleeping, eating, dating, fucking, playing, learning, working or healing.

I was filled with anger knowing her suicide was covered up by the government. Her body was cleaned up so fast that most neighbors never found out. I only became aware because I bumped into my penthouse neighbor living on her side of the building. I couldn’t even find one trace of blood in the porous asphalt. I later investigated and discovered the cleaning agent UMN maintenance employees used to scrub off her bodily fluids. They cleaned up her body for 25 CAD per hour while police prevented anyone from passing by. The whole event was kept under wraps, taped off. I still don’t know her name but I have to tell her story.

My pain was exacerbated as I kept hearing my next door neighbor crying through the thin wall separating our tiny apartments. At least this neighbor is alive, I thought. I’ve never heard anyone wail so much; she sounded like she was dying. Her regular weeping reminded me that the living continue to suffer. When she would cry, she would inspire me to cry. Then she would listen to me sobbing through our shared wall. We helped each other let go of our respective pains. She gave me the freedom to shed my own tears.

Our 12th floor neighbor’s suicide makes me question my own life. Unlike her, I get to wake up every morning. The sun hits my face and air flows through my lungs. What am I doing with my time ? What am I doing with the short life I am given ? Am I still procrastinating on my dreams ?

Recently, I experienced another death. Tubs, my beloved cat, would jump on the 6" concrete ledge and visit the next door neighbors; bringing joy to their painful days. On August 15th 2021, I received an emergency Vet’s call saying they had Tubs in intensive care. She had slipped off the balcony ledge and dropped 17 floors. I was astounded to hear she survived. I rushed over and saw her alive, legs in cast, breathing off pure oxygen. I examined her x-rays, nauseating over shattered legs including a broken tibia sticking out of her body. Then I was given 10 minutes to make a decision - Save her life with stabilization and surgeries for over 10,000 CAD, or euthanize Tubs for 265 CAD. I love her immensely but I couldn’t afford her life saving treatment. Bawling my eyes out, I signed the authorization for Euthanasia. We spent her last moments together as the Vet injected her with a high dose of Anesthesia. I would have saved her life if I had the money. Never again do I want to be forced to sacrifice the life of someone I love over a lack of resources.

I am telling Tubs’ story to contrast it with the neighbor’s “ fall off the balcony”. Tubs was a happy, peaceful cat who lived each moment fully. Despite shattered legs, she fought for the opportunity to live. She hopped off the ground floor roof all the way to the street, got herself rescued and waited for me to come. But I couldn’t save her. Tubs’ courage inspires me everyday to live instead of giving up my life.

This is a tough read but I need to be frank. I finally have the courage to write this article and record it before the experience fades from memory.

Rest in Peace Neighbor. Rest in Peace Tubs.

Your suffering is over. It’s the living who struggle.

Memento Mori.

Remember Death - So that you may Remember to Live.

The dead speak. Can you hear their voices ?

Everyday they inspire me to live.

Everyday that I wake up, I remember death.

Give me the strength to live fully, to live my dreams.