I am a parent and I miss my lover
By: Bimal Nair
Tags: Conflict, Togetherness, Parenthood, Intimacy, Joy

Before you draw wild conclusions, the lover in context is my wife. In a non pompous way, if I may say, we were terrific together. There was always harmony; silly jokes and hearty laughters. Kidding and cuddling, kissing and hugging was normal any hour of the day. We always took diligent efforts to bridge any misunderstanding, no fight would last more than a night. We had rules around compulsory time for talking to each other and do nothing else at that hour and so on. And then we decided to have a child.

For the entire 8 year span of our togetherness - pre and post marriage, we were very thorough and on same page that we wont have a child. The decision wasn’t coming form a negative source. We didn’t hate the concept of family with children or anything like that. We just didn’t want it. Its like someone not willing to move to a different city or country, even if it promises better life and better future. I was lucky that my wife felt the same. It wasn’t like one person’s choice clouding the other person’s desire. Neither of us were suppressing anything around that emotion. So after 7 years into marriage, we suddenly decided to have a child. I had logical reasons and she had emotional ones. As strange as it may sound, we both arrived at the decision coincidentally at the same quarter of a year. And we both came up with the desire independently. It wasn’t like I expressed my willingness and she took another year to come to agreement. No. We both moved into this space on our own and one fine dinner outing, we both happened to share this exact same feeling and liking to have a baby.

We planned out the course of life for next 2–3 years. We saved enough for the expenses, bought a used car, built many dreams, went through the difficulties of conceiving and all of that went well. Meanwhile everything between us remained the same. The fun, frolic, struggles, laughters, tears, romance, everything stayed as is. Finally, got blessed with a normal, healthy, sweet little being after 2 years. Holding her for the first time was unique. It was special for sure. But we weren’t in paradise, melting with love at first sight. It wasn’t anything like shown in films or like near and dear ones speak of. For us, it was a gradual, real process of falling in love with this new member. Very soon she became the epicenter of our lives. Everything we thought, decided or did was based on her. She really was at the top spot in any list, even the grocery shopping list!

Now, don’t get me wrong when I say I miss my lover since we became parents. Everything I mentioned in beginning of this post, still stays put. Me and my wife still love each other madly, no fight lasts beyond a night, romance on track and all the good stuff is still there. BUT! We miss each other. Its an intense BUT. We miss the ‘old each-other’ really too much! You know what I mean? So before we became a family of 3, the poetic phrase of ‘when we are together, the world around disappears’ was real. Its no more like that now. Say for example, we are working in the kitchen and our child is out playing at neighbor’s house. And we happen to lock lips, like lovers do. No preparation needed, right?! So we are in this moment, passionate, and drenched in this grateful, thankful sense of being so dearly loved. All the same good gooey stuff, but still its not the same like before. Now its no more ‘nothing between us in this moment, me in her arms and the world around disappears’ kind of thing. NO! Not at all! The brain, in the awareness of surrounding, is working like a patrolling troop at the country border. The mind is not there with us. The heart is throbbing, but doesn’t have the consent of the mind. The brain is yelling “are you nuts? Behave!!”

No matter what you say, it is not the same! Its f**king not! There is no tea time together having a beautiful conversation, because it is interrupted by silly questions from the third participant. There is no intense passionate embrace, because the third lover immediately wants to make it a group hug. There is no lying on sofa, cuddling, playing with hairs, caressing the minute changes in face or anything like that, because the 3rd party decides to play jumping jack on your lumbered bodies. Forget about dinner dates; even an unwinding dinner at home with some booze and lengthy conversations on a Saturday night cannot begin before 11pm. The list goes on. I’m not saying every tea session or every hug or Saturday dinner has to be intense. I’m only saying that it doesn’t happen even once every month. Some of you may argue “Bimal, there is a time & age for such kind of romance. It isn’t supposed to stay same as we grow old.” Some even find it pukish to think of such romance in their 40s or 50s. In my opinion, its a learned disability. The same way people stop laughing openly as they grow old, or stop dancing and singing as they grow old, or move around wearing a serious face every minute as though someone in family died, etc. Its very acceptable to the society. In fact you are taken seriously if you grow old this way. So, you may act. No problem. But behind closed doors, within your home, you can be you. Right?

Yes! The list of intimate indulgences. The list is endless. The list is vital. This list that was normal to us once, was the secret to the blissful bonding we share and our absolute joy. We are happy even today, but its different. The divinity is there, but its a different subject altogether. Any couple who lived in that youthful flair once, would know the difference. There is no appropriate way to put it. But it exists. It is real. It does affect the couple and their chemistry. How often do you see your parents in such mushy togetherness, that melts you and makes your eyes wet with joy? Its nobody’s fault. No one or nothing to be blamed. It just is what it is. I’m putting this out into the world because no one speaks about it. To say something like this in context of having children, is almost villainous to the general public. But I had to release this out of my system.

So, if you are a couple who has decided to never have a kid and people around treat or judge you wrongly, do know that it is jealousy. Those people cannot stand the sight of seeing you live in that bliss! LOL! OR, if you are a couple who is struggling to have a child, but the doctors have ruled out any scope whatsoever, do know that you are still blessed. You only need to look in a different direction. All the love that your heart desires, all the love that it can possibly contain, can come from one person alone. If you have him/her, you are blessed beyond anything! If you don’t have even a single soul on this planet who loves you madly, you are the only one who dearly needs to change. It is possible. You don’t need 1 or 5 children to feel intensely loved or to feel complete. Whatever your state is, in context of this topic, do know that you are blessed.