Why Writers Should Never Have Sex With Their Readers
By: Emma Austin
Tags: Self, Relationships, Life Lessons, Sex, Writing

Since becoming a blogger, I’ve gotten sexually involved with two people who have read me — and I had to face the consequences that come with it.

I get a lot of different types of messages from my readers.

The majority of emails and DMs I get are from people who want to say something nice about my work.

Sometimes, a business or an entrepreneur will reach out to me to see if I’m interested in collaborating with them or promoting their product.

Because I’m a woman with an online presence, I also get to use my block button to deal with the men who send me dick pics.

And every once in a while, a reader will proposition me.

They’ll message me something dirty or flirty. They’ll nudge me to exchange nudes. They’ll offer themselves up for some dirty talk or phone sex.

In one memorable instance, a guy messaged me for advice on making his girlfriend squirt and then asked me if I’d be interested in flying to Lebanon to eat her pussy. (No thanks, I’m good.)

I know that kind of thing is bound to happen. I’m an openly polyamorous woman who writes and podcasts about sex. I bare my sexual side online and anyone who wants to give me a click can have a peek at it. Some people assume that means I’m down to fuck.

But I’m not — not with them anyway. Not with any of my readers.

Getting sexually involved with your readers can be surprisingly tempting.

When you create content full time, your audience becomes a big part of your world. Outside of my immediate family, most of my interactions are with the people who read me.

So, whenever I consider dating or fooling around a little, they’re the obvious choice. I’ve already put myself out there. It would be a short skip and hop to start flirting and courting the people who are already interacting with me.

But I won’t do it because I know it’s bad news. And sadly, I know that from personal experience.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve done this kind of thing twice. Each time, I was on a different side of it.

The first time it happened, I was the writer. Soon after I started publishing my work, a reader reached out to me privately and we got to talking. Since I wrote about sex, that was the topic we discussed.

Those conversations started getting more personal, more intimate. The more emails we exchanged, the more they turned me on.

For a while, he became a part of my life. We would flirt, exchange nudes, and talk dirty on a regular basis.

And then it ended and in a way I wished it had never started. Not just for the usual reasons you feel that way after a breakup, but also because he was someone who got to know me through my writing.

I should have learned my lesson, but there was another guy who came along months later. This time, though, I was the reader.

Yeah, I was a writer, too. But a much smaller one by every measure.

He found one of my articles and commented on it. I read some of his work and developed a crush on him at a distance. I did a bit of fangirling in his comments. That’s when he sent me a private message.

This time, we weren’t just talking about sex. He skipped right over that and went straight to hitting on me. There wasn’t much in the way of formalities — just filthy and horny messages.

It was happening way too quickly for me. I wasn’t comfortable with the way he jumped right to sex. But I didn’t want to disappoint him — he was kind of a big deal.

I went along with it. I tried to focus on the fact that I had a crush on him and figured I’d have time to assert my boundaries as things got going.

Our conversations soon led to cybersex, which then lead to phone sex. And even more phone sex. Then it became clear to me that he lied about his feelings to get some fast action out of me. That left me feeling miserable for a few months. It also helped me realize that someone in his position should never have messed around with someone in mine.

That sealed it for me. I closed off the option of ever dating or fucking one of my readers. Both of my experiences showed me why that kind of thing is a huge mistake.

Based on what I’ve been through and what I’ve seen happen to others, here are some of the biggest reasons writers shouldn’t get romantically or sexually involved with their readers.

Parasocial Relationships Aren’t the Basis for Real Relationships

A parasocial relationship is a one-sided relationship between two people, usually involving a public person and a member of their audience.

It happens a lot with digital content creators. After watching a YouTuber for years, you might feel like you know them really well even though they’ve never even heard of you. You might feel a personal connection with a musician who has no clue you exist.

And you can feel like you’re getting to know a writer without them being aware of you at all.

Parasocial relationships are perfectly normal and they’re usually fine. But they’re not the right kind of foundation for a healthy romantic or sexual relationship.

For one thing, you’re on uneven ground from the very beginning. Dating someone who has read you for months or years when you’ve just recently learned their name is going to feel kind of like dating a stalker. It will become clear very quickly that they know way too much about you and that will, at best, make you feel uncomfortable.

But it’s worse than that because your readers are going to be wrong about you.

Even if you tell nothing but the truth in your writing and in interviews, it’s only ever going to give them a small glimpse into your life.

I write primarily about sex and based on that a lot of the readers who have hit on me seemed to feel like they really got me, understood who I was, and knew what I needed.

But my sexual side is far from being the only important part of my personality. And it’s not in the driver’s seat nearly as often as some people seem to think. For the most part, I’m a painfully normal person with a very mundane day to day life. It’s just that no one gets to see that when they’re reading my blowjob tips or about the awkward foursome I had once.

It’s normal to fill in the blanks, too, and come up with all sorts of assumptions about the person you’re reading.

Some guys try to talk dirty to me, bragging about having a big cock after reading my article on dick size — even though I make it clear in that article that I have a preference for more modest ones. Or they’ll send me a dick pic after reading something dirty I wrote, because they think I’m the kind of lady who’d appreciate a cyberflash.

Actually starting a relationship with a writer you admire is bound to be disappointing. The guys who hit me up might assume I’m always on and horny. They might think I’m the queen of dirty talk. They might think I’d fulfill whatever sexual or romantic fantasy they have. But chances are I wouldn’t, because I’m just a regular person with needs, boundaries, and preferences of my own.

That kind of disappointment happened to me when I got mixed up with a writer I admired. When the guy he was in real life didn’t match up to the man he was in his articles, it left me feeling confused. I was let down by that harsh reality check. I felt stupid because I had fallen for a persona instead of a person. And I felt torn between wanting to hold on to his image while realizing I had to let go of him.

The other major problem with parasocial relationships is that the reader has already invested a lot in you. They’ve followed your journey, heard your stories, felt things for you, identified with you, empathized with your struggles, and celebrated your victories. They might even have fallen a little in love with you.

Meanwhile, you’re just starting to feel things out.

It will always feel like they’ve put in so much and you’ve put in so little. There’s a really good chance that leads to a whole lot of hurt.

Pedestals Are Easy to Build

When meeting a writer doesn’t disappoint the reader, that can be a problem too. Because sometimes readers will put writers they love on a pedestal.

They’ll assume nothing but the best about them. They’ll feel intense, unshakeable admiration. They might even want to worship them.

That’s an unhealthy way to relate to someone you know personally.

When someone puts you on a pedestal, it’s way too easy to take advantage of them. They’ll be too quick to set their own needs aside and even quicker to make excuses for your behavior.

And the fact that they look up to you will make it harder for them to voice their concerns. Or they’ll be too afraid of disappointing you to assert their needs.

Being put on a pedestal also tends to bring out the worst in people because it makes you feel like you can get away with anything.

That doesn’t have to result in exploitation, but I’m willing to bet most writers wouldn’t be able to resist taking advantage of it, at least a little.

There’s a Power Imbalance

It’s weird to think of myself as having any kind of power. But I do have a platform. I have an audience. I have a name that some people recognize.

That’s enough to give me, and anyone in a similar situation, a little bit of sway. And it’s the kind of sway a reader you decide to get involved with probably doesn’t have.

If the reader you’re fucking happens to be a writer themselves, that can be a bigger problem because their professional lives get mixed into it.

If you’re the one with the bigger platform, the one with more clout, or the one who already has a small army of defenders, it’s easy for them to feel like they need to please you or else they might jeopardize their chances of making it.

They might fear the consequences of displeasing you. They could worry that you’ll bad mouth them to people you might pitch to one day. Or that you could sour things in their writing community.

Because of that, they might stick around longer than they want to because they’re worried about what would happen to their writing career if they broke up with you — or just said no to you.

I know that’s a factor because I’ve been in that position. I put on a brave face, tried to play nice, and agreed to things I wasn’t comfortable agreeing to because I didn’t want to get on the wrong person’s bad side.

That’s a problem. And it can be avoided by keeping it in your pants when you interact with your admirers.

Reputations Get Ruined

Treating your readers like sexual prospects isn’t a good look.

When you create a pattern of hitting on your readers and sending them flirty private messages, it starts to get pretty sleazy after a while.

Do that enough and people will start analyzing your writing for all the wrong reasons. Is your new article just casting a net and hoping someone cute responds? Is that passage where you brag about your accomplishments just a flex or is it you using your blog post as a dating ad?

It’s going to be hard for other writers to keep taking you seriously. Building meaningful connections isn’t easy when you’ve got a sketchy reputation. And publications and platforms might be reluctant to have you on or host your work if they know you’re on the prowl.

It Creates a False Sense of Security

A reader who dates a writer is likely to enter into that arrangement already having a high level of trust. They feel safe because they’re sure they know you based on your writing.

That can create a false sense of security, which can lead to them sticking around longer than they should. In some cases, it can even cause them to suffer through toxic behavior, emotional abuse, or worse.

When I was getting dicked around by a writer, I kept telling myself I must be wrong, that I must be misreading the situation.

I believed the things he had written about himself. So when his conduct didn’t match that image, I made all sorts of excuses for him instead of trusting my gut.

I gave him so much unearned trust, all because the narrative he created about himself made me feel safer than I would have otherwise.

You’re Always on Display

I used to be into the idea of dating someone who read me because it would’ve been like a shortcut to intimacy. They could learn so much about me through my writing that I could skip some of the awkward conversations.

I might not have to bring up my emotional triggers if they read about them already. Learning about my chronic illnesses is just a link or two away. I wouldn’t even have to risk getting involved with someone who wouldn’t be into my kinks.

Now I realize how naive that is. Not only would skipping the getting-to-know-you stage mean I’d be missing out on some serious intimacy building, but knowing they’re kind of lurking around can get awkward.

Both of the men I got involved with can still read anything I write. I mean, yes, anyone can read what I write because it’s public — but they were already on the platform I use before I met them and they’re still on them now.

Feeling like they’re still lurking can make you second-guess certain things you write. It can make you worry that they’ll get the wrong message from something you post. You always have to worry you’ll get a notification telling you they commented on your latest article.

Even if you don’t air your relationship’s dirty laundry, it can still put you in a weird place.

It’s easy for them to stay connected to you and what’s going on in your life. They just have to go back to reading you — just like they did before you got involved with them.

Keep It Professional

I learned some of these things the hard way, but I’m glad I learned them early. It’s an important thing for writers to know because it can keep you from tarnishing your career and getting mixed up in way more drama than anyone needs.

Your audience isn’t your dating pool. Your readers aren’t your prospects. That can be hard to see when you’re getting started, but it’s an important thing to recognize.

Dating or fucking your readers is bad for you as a writer. It’s bad for your fans, too.

Your readers are your lifeblood. They’re the reason you get to keep writing. If you make a living doing this, it’s thanks to them. The very least you owe them in return is to not blur those lines.

So, keep things professional and never use your influence or your platform to get laid. That’s what Tinder is for.