How To Kill A Protest
By: Solomon Nzere
Tags: Protest, Satire, Political Satire, Politics

Distinguished Colleagues, I am forwarding this message to this platform as received from Debo, my newly appointed adviser on new media and youths in governance. Please note that it is highly confidential and should not be shared. We must deploy it effectively and fearlessly, as we bid to squash this attempt at overthrowing our legitimate government by these social media terrorists masquerading as enlightened youths.

Forwarded

Tactical Strategy For Disarming and Neutralizing Protests.

In recent weeks, the nation has been rocked by a violent uprising and citizen sponsored violence fueled by spineless social media activism and illegitimately formed coalitions. As we advance to the glorious year, 2023, we must ensure that nothing jeopardizes your collective interest and sustained hold on these exalted offices. To this end, all stakeholders must in the face of any future attempts by citizens to exercise their right to protest, deploy the following steps to ensure that it is destabilized and truncated.

Align and Ally

You must never be perceived as the enemy. Authorizing a show of force and giving orders for them to clear off the street will only further embolden them. You must create the perfect image so that when blood is eventually shed, your hands appear clean, covered by the filter of strategy.

I know that it will hurt your pride and open you to condemnation among your peers from the other regions. Yet I ask that you join the protests. Don’t just join, engage them! Get your official photographer to get all your good angles. Take dramatic pictures of you pointing to the future, raising a megaphone or listening to a common youth.

Sow discord

Even our sovereign creator was in awe of the power of a people that had one voice and one message. That was why he sowed diverse tongues when the people attempted to build the tower of Babel that would rock the heavens and rival the wonders he had created.

Taking lessons from the Almighty, you must also sow discord and confusion in their midst. Our ever-growing army of enforcers (erroneously referred to as thugs in some quarters ) will be delighted to participate in a non-election year but they must never be your first port of call.

To beat them, you must enter their arena. Engage “ influencers” to lead a misinformation campaign. Let them threaten the “non-leaders” of the protests, reminding them that even if they escape, their family and loved ones would always be at risk.

Close the tap

Do not be deceived. This is not a citizen engagement campaign or an opportunity to get feedback from your constituents. It is war, plain and simple. And what kind of general allows food and supplies to get to the enemy?

You must enter into a siege mentality and cut off their access to funding and resources. Block their accounts, open investigations into their operations, slap new restrictions and licenses on their businesses. Choke them to submission and regret.

Remember never to centre yourself in all this. You can’t be seen to be complicit in all these. You are, after all, a man of the people, raising flags and taking pictures with protesters.

Let the agencies and ministries take the fall for this one. In any case, you can always release a statement denying any allegations levelled against you. They just need someone to blame. It’s never about accountability.

Kill them

Not you! We would never require anything so despicable from you. In fact, you should be as distant from the act as much as possible. Play the ally card and impose a curfew for their safety, to protect their lives and properties. Then have unidentified uniformed men swoop in under the cover of darkness to kill and destroy.

Instruct them to pack the bodies, they must leave no evidence. This is crucial for the damage control and PR management that would follow.

Deny, Deny, Deny

It wasn’t you, it can never be you. This is the most intricate part of the plan. This is where you pass the buck around like a Barcelona team in its prime years. From “orders from above” to “powers beyond your control”, “unidentified persons" and “ unauthorized actions", keep the blame game constantly moving. They’ll curse and cry foul but keep passing the buck in style.

Execute scapegoats

To pacify the mob, there must be a fall guy, someone they can vent their anger on. Arrange to have a group of errant police officers who have fallen out of favour with you on trial.

Make it a spectacle and let the youths feast on it. They will celebrate it on their Twitter platform and declare it as a win. Their pressure paid off. They will count it as a win like the clueless simpletons they are.

While this is going off, pick up some of these loud youths who were berating you and protesting, thinking you would forget. Make them disappear unnoticed-locked in trumped charges and court appearances that would take them years to get out off.

Breathe

Once again, you have emerged victorious. Nothing can stop you. It’s time for some vacation. You have earned it. Just remember to be back in time for the 2023 elections, we have a masterclass on how to be the candidate for the youths- an exploration of how doing the barest minimum can set you apart.

Yours in service

Debo Omogor

Honourable Adviser on New Media & Youths in Governance

Entry submitted to the Voice of an Age collection chronicling the #EndSars protest and Lekki toll massacre. Find the full collection here

https://www.mediafire.com/download/m5mrbj3xiy0aq2m