How I Learned to Love Myself Better
By: Debdutta Pal
Tags: Feminism, Self Love, Nonfiction, Life Lessons, Self

Finding my self-love language:

The five love languages was another concept that repeatedly appeared on my internet surfing sessions until I finally caved and decided to read up on it.

In contrast to my other research trips, this one piqued my interest from the get-go. I found it fascinating and agreed with its fundamental principles.

I excitedly asked my partner what his love language was and patted myself on the back for getting one of two guesses right. We discussed all of the languages and ranked some of them in our preferred order, not limiting ourselves to one box.

Then one day, about a month later, I thought to myself, do I know what my love language is for myself? As it turns out, I didn’t.

I am not sure if this was just a case of low self-esteem or a result of my ongoing battle with my social conditioning. Maybe, as women, we need to remind ourselves repeatedly, even in the form of a daily affirmation, if necessary — to think of ourselves first.

I stared at the list of personal tasks that I maintained for myself and waited for one of them to appear bolder than the rest. Unable to settle on one item, I decided to finish my list in the next fortnight and acutely observe my behavior. When did I feel pure bliss, happiness, and love?

On day seven, I found it — acts of service or acts of kindness, as I like to paraphrase for myself was my language of choice.

The highlight of that week was a night where I prepared a midnight snack for myself instead of opening a large bag of popcorn, as I usually do. I made myself a short stack of pancakes and stood in my kitchen, heating them evenly, for thirty minutes, at 4 a.m.

I felt euphoric when I devoured them seconds later. This activity was the very first time in the week, or maybe even that month that I had done something purely, entirely and solely for myself. And it felt indescribably amazing.

Don’t get me wrong; I do many things for myself every day. I am writing right now because I want to publish the first piece for this month soon. Earlier today, I prepared a delicious dinner, as I wished for the burst of flavors to uplift my midweek slump.

I did a seven-step skincare regimen this morning because my skin is drying up from the weather, taking a chillier turn. And I also spent too much time on my phone before getting out of my bed for the day.

But, I didn’t do something for myself that I consciously wanted, that would make me happy, just for showing myself some love.

I realized that these little things — the acts of kindness are the items that remain in my to-do list the longest. They get put on the backburner. Every other item gets prioritized sooner or later as they are attached to a need, a problem, or something I would label as “good to have done.”

Without fully realizing it, I wasn’t putting myself first — I was violating the first rule of self-love.

Acts of service also require effort, but I learned by observing myself over some time that this is the type of effort I need to take. I have always been a tad high maintenance. I fundamentally do not believe that a display of love is ever easy. I needed to show myself some love.

I needed to make an effort for myself where it counts.

And that was it — I had come across the right milestone. My “personal” to-do list received a redesign, and items that lingered around the bottom got dragged to the top.

Whether it is buying something indulgent for myself, watching that lengthy film from my Netflix list, or painting for pleasure, I will do it even if it involves abandoning other tasks, whenever I need a dose of self-love.