Claire Byrne, The Heartbreak Coach: “5 Things You Need to Know to Survive and Thrive After A Divorce”
By: Ilyssa Panitz
Tags: Relationships, Women, Divorce, Wellness, Mental Health

As part of my series about the “5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce Or Breakup” I had the pleasure of interviewing Claire Byrne aka Claire The Heartbreak Coach.

Celebrity Heartbreak Coach, Claire The Heartbreak Coach, helps women stop wanting Mr./Ms. Wrong back, and call in the RIGHT kind of love they’re searching for.

Her coaching approach is the best in the break-up/finding love industry — it’s smart, tough, clear, direct, fun, and infused with all the love for her clients, listeners, and readers.

Through her heartbreak podcast, How to Stop Wanting Him Back, and her articles as the resident heartbreak coach for Kourtney Kardashian’s lifestyle site POOSH, you will learn a ton about shifting your perspective on heartbreak, dating and relationships…but there’s nothing like her 6 month 1:1 coaching program that takes not just your love-life, but your WHOLE life, to the next level.

Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?

I was inspired to become a heartbreak coach after I embarked on a tireless quest to heal over several unavailable men — specifically, my rock-bottom relationship with a bona fide narcissistic sociopath, 9 years ago, at 29 years old.

I didn’t listen to my gut when I met him two years prior to dating him, that said, “RUN!,” so I ended up losing myself for a solid three years — the first year was with him, and it took me two years to recover.

The gas-lighting, cheating, manipulation, multiple pairs of underwear I found that weren’t mine, and the smear-campaigning of my name, while always telling me to my face that none of it was true and I was crazy if I was to believe it, led me to become a shell of a person.

This was the man I loved and who I was planning my future with.

Even after I knew all the horrific things he said and did, I couldn’t let go of the person I’d hoped he really was.

I was desperate to heal, and tried multiple healing modalities that helped some, but didn’t really do the full trick.

Five years later, I discovered life coaching, and fell in love with the tools I learned.

Initially, I marketed myself as a general life coach, as I never thought I’d be bold enough to share the real reason I was on this path, but three years into coaching, I got my heart broken again.

This time, I knew I was going to move through the pain in a much more capable and conscious way, and it inspired me to narrow my niche to heartbreak coaching.

I then very consciously called in the man of my dreams, and now also teach women how they too can do the same.

This isn’t magic or happenstance work.

This is science — teaching women how to retrain their brains to create the healing and love they desire.

Never in a million years would I have guessed that I would become the person I was searching for throughout all those years of trying various healing modalities, but today I can for sure say that every heartbreak, especially my rock-bottom heartbreak, was beyond worth it.

I’m truly living a dream life that is beyond what I ever could have imagined.

Can you explain to our readers why you are an authority about “divorce”?

I consider myself an authority on divorce because I’ve been coaching women on

heartbreak and divorce for over five years now. I’ve spent countless hours, reading, studying, coaching, podcasting and writing about the ins and outs of the thoughts women are thinking, yielding them the result of continued drama, anger, and unhealed hearts that prevent them from authentically moving on.

Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?

A year and a half ago, I was in a bit of rut with growing my business to the next level. I knew it didn’t have to do with my ability to coach, because my clients were getting amazing results.

It was because of my own limiting beliefs about myself.

My brilliant coach asked, what would you need to believe about yourself, for more of the right clients to come?

This certainly wasn’t a question I’d never been asked or had thought of before, but it was a pivotal moment where the AHA landed in such a guttural way….

“I’d need to believe that I’m THE expert on heartbreak, and that I have something to contribute on this topic in a way that no one else is talking about it.”

Just coming to that realization put me in full belief. It felt very real and RIGHT to me.

So, I absorbed myself in heartbreak-expert energy and showed up all day, every day in deep belief as THE heartbreak expert.

About a month after consciously practicing this belief, the managing editor of Kourtney Kardashian’s lifestyle site, POOSH, reached out, and the rest is history… my business BLEW UP, and I’m still the “Resident Heartbreak Coach” for POOSH.

People always ask, “How did Kourtney Kardashian find you?” I tell them: MY MIND!

Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?

This is so embarrassing to admit, but I used to direct message people and offer my services on Facebook and Instagram! It was usually people who were consistently liking, watching and commenting on my stuff, but that is such a no-no for me now! Nothing turns me off more when people slide into my direct messages on IG, asking if I want to grow my follower list or if I want to hire them to be my business coach.

Thankfully, I have the best business coach, who shifted me into the mindset of being a boss coach who women seek out to heal their hearts and find true love, instead of me seeking them out. I do have compassion for the newbie coach I was 5 years ago… I truly didn’t know any better, but still cringe a little whenever I think about that time!

If you had a close friend come to you for advice after a divorce, what are 5 things you would advise in order to survive and thrive after the divorce? Can you please give a story or example for each?

Fall apart. No one wants to do this, but it’s crucial. I’ve seen time and time again, people who run from their painful divorce and jump into relationships immediately, or dive into work without consciously grieving the end of their marriage, ultimately finding themselves facing the heartbreak later, on a deeper level. In fact, I’ve had more clients come to me heartbroken over the first person they’re dating AFTER their former spouse, because the pain had to get that much deeper before they realized there might just be a pattern here, and that they just might be the common denominator. Cut off contact outside of logistics. If you’re unhealed, there’s no reason to engage about all that unfolded. You’re divorced now. Put up the boundary that you will not engage in any further drama and will only be connecting about logistics to do with kids or finances. If you want to be friends while one of you is still holding on, lean into the pain and part ways until you’re both healed and resolved over the separation. My clients have TORTURED themselves, trying to convince themselves they can remain friends, and also end up INFURIATING themselves, realizing, “This is why I left him. He’s a total pathological-lying narcissist, and even being his “friend” is sucking my energy.” Get clear on the lesson for YOUR growth…even if your spouse cheated or wanted out, and you didn’t. You still had a lesson in it for you. Learn it. Beyond letting yourself fall apart, get deeper and peel back your own blind-spots. Every partner is a mirror reflection of ourselves — yes even the liars and emotional abusers. You might not be the emotional abuser, but every client I’ve coached who was on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse, eventually sees that her lack of love for herself, attracted a spouse who was incapable of loving herself the way she craved. Date Yourself before you date anyone else. Who are you now that you’re no longer someone’s spouse? Get to know YOU again. Do you like you? If not, learn how to do so before you expect someone else to enter, to do that for you. A lot of my clients are super resistant to this step. They want to jump on the band wagon immediately, and REPLACE their ex. It RARELY works. I never say never because there’s always a story where a rebound relationship lasts, but again, I’d say very rarely, and if it does last, a lot of the same patterns resurface, if you haven’t done the growth work on yourself. I recently had a client who begged me to get back out on the dating field quicker than I’d normally approve of, but she had been doing all her homework, so I said, “go for it.” At the end of the day, I’m her coach, but I’m not her mom, and she insisted she was ready. After a solid 10 dates with a variety of different men, she admitted that she was still comparing them to her ex-husband and felt like she was back to square one again with her healing. I’m constantly reiterating to my clients that there is NO RUSH. The more time you take to untangle the painful thoughts about past relationships and understand your relationship with yourself on a much deeper level, the quicker your ideal person will arrive. Go find love again! I don’t care if you were married for 20 years and you can’t imagine sharing your life with someone else. You deserve love. Do all the above steps first and then go after it. Don’t use your painful past as a projection on to your future. It’s your thoughts that create your result. Your ex didn’t create pain for you. Your ex isn’t the reason you’ll never love again. You are the reason you’ll never love again, if that’s what you believe.

What are the most common mistakes people make after they go through a divorce? What can be done to avoid that?

-They date immediately.

-They don’t cut off contact, and therefore drag out the pain and drama.

-Speak poorly about their ex to their children.

-Don’t grieve the loss, even if they wanted out of the marriage.

-Don’t explore THEIR role in the dissolution… even if the other person was the emotional abuser, there’s always a growth lesson.

-They don’t date themselves and take time to discover who they really are now, and what exactly it is that they want — not just in a partnership but in LIFE!

-They indulge in the belief that they’re carrying a stigma, now that they’re divorced.

-They don’t know if they could ever really find love again… “I thought he was my person for LIFE, how will I ever know that the next person is the right person??”

I’d suggest hiring an excellent coach and/or therapist, to not just hold you accountable to do the healing/growth work, but also to help you call in the RIGHT kind of love and ideal life you’re most capable of creating.

Your mind has the power to heal the past and create the dreamiest future — you just need to learn how and show up consistently to do the work. I would never be where I am now without my coaches — healed over one too many Mr. Wrong’s, running a thriving business helping women heal their hearts and call in the RIGHT kind of love, and madly in love with a man who I wonder is real most days.

There’s SO much evidence of people living their best lives post-divorce! My boyfriend is one of them;)

Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?

My own podcast! How To Stop Wanting Him Back, and any of my articles on heartbreak and dating found on POOSH.com or my website, www.clairetheheartbreakcoach.com

Byron Katie is my number one go-to woman. She wrote the book, Loving What Is, and teaches how to heal, accept, and love the most painful lessons we experience. At first, it was hard for me to grasp the idea that my narcissistic abuser was a mirror reflection of me, but now I see it so clearly and OWN that I was just as responsible for my pain as he was, even though he was the one that cheated, lied, gas-lit, and smear-campaigned my name. I never thought I’d get to this place of peace and responsibility… Katie, for sure was the most inspiring teacher to get me there.

Brooke Castillo! She has a podcast called The Life Coach School, and I use her thought model all the time in my coaching work as well. I love Brooke and studied in her self-coaching scholars’ program for a while. She too teaches that YOU are responsible for the thoughts you think and are responsible for creating whatever result you desire through managing your brain. She has a book called Self Coaching 101, that’s a great read for beginners to this work.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that helped you in this work? Can you share how that was relevant in your real life?

In 2011, I was watching Oprah’s very last episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show with my rock bottom ex, knowing he was doing all kinds of deceitful things behind my back, but the lack of self-love within kept me with him.

Oprah said this quote that gave me chills. I, like most women around the world, felt like she was speaking directly to me:

“Whispers are always messages, and if you don’t hear the message, the message turns into a problem. And if you don’t handle the problem, the problem turns into a crisis. And if you don’t handle the crisis, disaster. Your life is speaking to you. What is it saying?”

My life turned into a disaster at that time, because I ignored the whispers. Those whispers, when I met him TWO YEARS prior to dating him, said, “He’s trouble.” They were swatted away like a flee when I let him swoop in and initially show me love I didn’t know how to give myself.

I never ignore the whispers anymore. If I feel insecure about something that only my partner can give me reassurance on, I ask him. I follow my gut now. I take the best care of myself. I go after what I want. I love myself every day. I fall on my face pretty much every day too, as I embark on huge goals I never could have once believed were fathomable for me. But I never ignore the whispers that are now consistently telling me, “You’ve got you, no matter what.”

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?

Yes! Aside from my weekly podcast, STOP WANTING HIM BACK & FIND SOMEONE BETTER, (I use the pronoun “him” because of my own experience as a heterosexual woman who moved through a lot of heartbreak and ultimately called in the love of my life, but it’s for ALL heartbroken humans!) as well as being the resident heartbreak coach for Kourtney Kardashian’s lifestyle site, POOSH, I created a heal-your-heart/finding-love course that launched in November, also called, Stop Wanting Him Back & Find Someone Better.

This course offers people a much more affordable option to gain access to my proven FORMULA on not only how to heal a broken heart and call in their ideal love, but most importantly, create an authentically loving relationship with THEMSELVES, first and foremost.

We can’t expect to call in the right kind of romantic love if we haven’t done the work on giving OURSELVES the right kind of love first. This was something I struggled to figure out for YEARS, and now I’m so thrilled to teach my students exactly how to do this in the FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU section of the course.

Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I’d inspire a FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU movement! Truly! I think the first thing pre-k kids should learn is self-love and develop a practice of asking yourself every day, what do you love about you?

Even if someone else was to shame you for something, what can you own about your strengths and weaknesses?

We ALL have them.

I can be fiery and short-fused… I’ve gotten a lot better through this work, but I actually think there’s a beautiful side to my Irish fire. My boyfriend loves it, (most of the time!) and I think my clients appreciate my tough-love approach with that same fire. Yet, for years it was what I was mostly criticized for. I think there’s a balance to explore what you love about you and want to work on, without fixating on believing there’s something wrong with you.

How fun would it be if it was ingrained in us to check in regularly with ourselves and say, You’re doing great! I love you! You are enough! You did great today. Or, Hey, no one’s perfect. Take responsibility and apologize for snapping at your loved one, but don’t dwell or beat yourself up for it.

I think the world would be a MUCH HAPPIER PLACE!

Some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them :-)

I just moved to Santa Barbara for the love of my life, which was an extra easy decision knowing that OPRAH lives nearby! I would give anything to have 15 mins of Oprah’s time to thank her for her work and share my mission to heal as many broken hearts around the world. I’d love her thoughts and questions about what I do… I think it would inspire a next-level elevation in my thinking and service, just being around her energy and spirit, laughing, discussing being of service as our life purpose, and lamenting on this one precious life we have, and how important it is to make the most of it.