Awake and aware.
Tags: 2020, Awakening, Abortion, Mindfulness, Mind

Today on my run along the beach, I saw an old man in a wheelchair watching the surfers. Cliché as it sounds, I realised that if I wanted to go surfing, I just had to go home grab my board and jump in the water. The old man couldn’t surf. He can’t physically surf. He couldn’t make the conscious decision to go and grab a board. Yes, you’ve probably guessed it. This isn’t (just) about surfing. It finally hit my silly head that I am the only one stopping myself from doing just about everything I can and want to do (and currently maybeeeee some COVID restrictions).

Point is, I have finally come to terms, sincerely and undeniably, that my biggest issue in life wasn’t money, figuring out my career, or a long distance relationship, it’s my mindset. It’s my mind. It’s me.

I’ve read the Power of Now, I’ve read a New Earth, I’ve multiplied the podcasts on self-help and spiritualism, but I don’t think I had fully accepted that my EGO was my issue until I literally almost ran over a man in a wheelchair.

For some reason, (I’m sure there’s a name for it but if I stop to google it than I won’t get to the end of my thought process) I find it very hard to forget my past mistakes, my bad experiences and just about any criticism or unwelcome advice I’ve ever received whirls around in my head.

I hear the midwife tell me I was taking away a life, I hear my first boyfriend tell me I was mentally insane, I hear a recruiter tell me I appeared unstable.

I remember before I went travelling my mother told me that she’d always expected to be rich and famous, and that I should accept that I will never be, now, to not suffer the way she has. I hear my old client telling me that travelling any more than a year or two would be badly perceived by recruiters. I hear my recent boss telling me I would never find a better position than what he was offering.

I’ve had warts on my hands, and continuous digestive or gynaecologist problems that were always put down to stress, but maybe it’s not exactly stress, but just my mental well-being.

I have felt guilt for an abortion, I have felt guilt for promising a dying mother I’d take care of her son, and then breaking his heart. I’ve felt guilt for my dad taking on extra work to help me financially then having a life-changing accident. I have felt guilt for leaving jobs, I have felt guilt for letting people down. I felt guilt for the most unexplainable things. Just so you can see how bad this is…. Last week I felt guilty for letting a small store owner down…. I chose to buy a 5€ measuring cup from a small store, to avoid ordering from amazon, but then realised I only had my credit card. A note on the counter said 10€ card minimum, the man let me pay by card yet looked quite miffed so I guessed that he’s probably paying excessive bank fees, and I felt guilty for that. YES that is how insane my mind is.

I have taken care of my friends, my family, my friend’s family, my partners, my colleagues, palliative care patients, strangers. I’ve often felt lost and like nobody was taking care of me. I’ve blamed boyfriends or family members for my ill-being But I should have been taking care of me. I’ve known this for a while, it’s been repeated to me over and over again. Take Care of Yourself. But I think I only, finally, understood and accepted that today. Apologies to anyone and everyone who has tried to tell me this before.

This year, for me, and for many, was a whirlwind. I lost not only a job and an income but a place to go to everyday where I was surrounded by friends, I left the city I’ve called home for the past decade and with it my physical home, my comfy bed, my roommates, my friends, my social life. I grew jealous of a sister who is finally living the life she deserves. I am pushing away a boyfriend who has done nothing but try to show me that my mind is the only thing running against me.

I am living in a village in France where I know nobody. I have no job to get up for, no motivation, no obligations. I said I would spend this time working on myself yet I’ve just let myself spiral into a downward pit of self pity. I don’t know when my mind became so negative. I don’t know when I lost my umph.

But I’m now calling on anyone reading this, to make sure that I focus on myself and I get that umph back, because I know that once I do, the universe has a whole lot of plans for me.

Daisy — Polytopian Queen of the Universe.