Women Behaving Badly Isn’t Necessarily Toxic Femininity
By: Elle Beau
Tags: Patriarchy, Society, Hierarchy, Equality, Essay

Women Behaving Badly Isn’t Necessarily Toxic Femininity

Most wounded behavior comes out of our patriarchal culture

Photo by Obie Fernandez on Unsplash

The definition of toxic masculinity is otherwise just fine traits associated with masculinity being taken to a destructive extreme. Unhealthy versions of traits like assertiveness or independence when manifest as aggressiveness or extreme self-reliance might be characterized as toxic because they lead to poor relationships and to isolation — something that negatively impacts many men’s lives and health. In other words, so-called “toxic masculinity” isn’t just bad for women, and for society, it’s also bad for men. It’s a specific thing though, with specific parameters, not just guys being jerks. The same goes for women.

All human beings are capable of bad behavior, but most of what some people refer to as “toxic femininity” is not destructive versions of typically feminine traits — it’s something else. Some traditionally feminine traits are gentleness, empathy, sensitivity, caring, sweetness, compassion, tolerance, nurturance, deference, and receptivity. Although wounded versions of at least some of those traits are possible, that isn’t what most people are talking about when they reference “toxic femininity.”

Call me a word nerd, but terms like this do have a specific meaning, and when they are used to describe things that don’t really meet the definition, I think it tends to muddy the waters. Not only does it make it easier for detractors to accuse the user of being too general and therefore unfair, but it leads to an unnecessary debate about what is actually being said.

I recently made a comment on a story that referenced “toxic femininity” pointing out that what it was describing wasn’t strictly speaking, the definition of that word. I also conceded that perhaps that was just semantics to some people and not the most important thing as relates to the point the author was trying to make about women being capable of being bad partners too. I understand that I’m perhaps more particular about these kinds of things than some people are, but I think it’s important to be as precise as you can with your words.

None-the-less, a bunch of angry people jumped all over me, assuming that I was saying that women couldn’t be toxic, even though I thought I’d made it pretty clear that women could absolutely be jerks and bad partners but that this just wasn’t necessarily toxic femininity. I went back and bolded, and highlighted certain passages of my comment, but still, the misunderstandings kept coming. Why?

Because that term, as well as the corresponding one relating to masculinity, has been so watered down, that essentially they mean little at this juncture, other than as a touchpoint for angry accusations. They are so inflammatory that many people seem to have a type of visceral reaction, largely bypassing the cognitive processes — something that was very evident with the people who made angry remarks about my comment.

Maybe it would be easier to talk about if we decoupled masculinity and femininity from gender? If you look at Yang traits (what is considered masculine from a Taoist perspective, something that may or may not correspond with actual maleness), you will find traits like valor, assertiveness, decisiveness, rationality, and action. Yin (or feminine) traits include wisdom, intuition, compassion, creativity, and receptivity. When you remove actual gender from the equation, these simply become two sides of a whole that is best expressed in some measure of balance.

When looked at from this point of view, it is easier to see the distinction between healthy assertiveness and unhealthy aggression, healthy valor, and unhealthy subjugation. Maleness isn’t the issue with so-called “toxic masculinity”. Coercive, domination-oriented behaviors are, and men have no monopoly on those necessarily. They are simply more likely to be encouraged and rewarded in men in places where patriarchal structures are still fully functioning.

Patriarchy is fundamentally a dominance-based hierarchy that affects all aspects of our society. It’s not just a historic power imbalance between men and women. The social stratification inherent in patriarchy is the root cause of sexism, but also racism, homophobia, and bullying of all kinds and it’s a very binary system. If you don’t win, you lose, and if you are male, you should look and act in a certain way which serves to differentiate you entirely from someone who is female. Not expressing any traits which might be seen as feminine is an important part of masculinity in this culture. Taking that cultural mandate to an unhealthy extreme is what makes for so-called “toxic masculinity.”

So what does “toxic femininity” actually look like? It could be smothering rather than nurturant, co-dependent rather than interrelated, passive-aggressive rather than clear about needs or boundaries. It could also look like being a drama queen. And just like with wounded masculinity (a better term than toxic, I think), wounded femininity comes out of living in a dominance-based social hierarchy, where you are taught to always compare yourself to everyone around you and to evaluate every interaction for whether or not you are the in the one-up or the one-down position. It breeds insecurity, selfishness, and a lack of true connection.

By contrast, prior to the onset of patriarchy 6–9 thousand years ago, human beings lived in cooperative enclaves that considered taking care of everyone in the group to be in the best interests of the individual. Enforced egalitarianism was used as a survival strategy. Many current hunter-gatherer bands still have this kind of social structure, where children are raised in a relaxed and trusting environment, play and playfulness are encouraged for everyone, and those who start to get too big a head or ideas about power are gently teased back into alignment with the greater good.

In such an environment, wounded versions of either masculinity or femininity don’t really exist. Children grow up secure and happy, both loved and cared for by all the adults in their sphere. “It is difficult to prove with empirical evidence that the kindly, trustful parenting of hunter-gatherers promotes the development of people who treat one another kindly and who eschew aggression, but the theory makes intuitive sense. It makes sense that infants and children who are themselves trusted and treated well from the beginning would grow up to trust others and treat them well and would feel little or no need to dominate others in order to get their needs met.” (1)

Our dominance-based patriarchal culture is to blame for teaching us to interact with each other in toxic and destructive ways. Human beings are prone to foibles, but if you live in a culture that gently steers you away from them, and back towards a way of living that supports the kindness and community that humans are genetically designed for, they don’t have to lead to the kind of society that we live in in the US and in most of the West.

Wounded people of all genders are the by-product of living in the type of society that we do. Yes, of course, individuals are responsible for their actions and behaviors, but it is impossible to discount how strongly we all are influenced by our culture. Cognitive science says that only about 2% of thought is conscious, and the rest is made up of stereotypes, cultural narratives, childhood programming, what we get fed in the media, etc.

It takes a lot of work and deprogramming to extricate yourself from societal norms and narratives. Most people aren’t doing that work or don’t even realize how much they are being run by their programming in the first place and that they need to. However, in many cases, this programming leads to insecurity and somewhat anti-social behavior — for any and all genders. Women don’t get a pass because they are often acting out their wounds on others just like men and non-binary people do, but that still doesn’t necessarily mean it’s toxic femininity.

© Copyright Elle Beau 2020

Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story is appearing anywhere other than Medium.com, it appears without my consent and has been stolen.

(1) How Hunter-Gatherers Maintain Their Egalitarian Ways