Playing Catch Up
By: Klipsun Magazine
Tags: Limitless, Adhd, Diagnosis, Alisha Dixon

Looking back, it’s easy for me to see that I experience many of the common ADHD symptoms, but I always wrote them off as circumstantial or a symptom of another mental illness. Symptoms like disorganization, poor focus and difficulties with sensory processing are seen in people with ADHD as well as other neurodiverse people.

I was already diagnosed with depression, anxiety and PTSD, so I assumed my lack of attention and motivation was because I was depressed. I spent middle and high school struggling with my mental health, but was able to get by in my classes because I loved learning. I had structural support and parents who made sure I finished my homework.

However, things changed when I graduated and went to college.

Moving to Bellingham, Washington and beginning my studies at Western Washington University was like getting thrown into the deep end of a pool. I doggy-paddled through my freshman and sophomore year, staying just above water.

In my third year of university, pre-ADHD diagnosis, my symptoms became impossible to manage. I was overwhelmed with schoolwork as my classes got harder. I couldn’t focus, had trouble keeping track of deadlines and didn’t recall much of what I learned.

Alisha reads one of her journal entries on May 31, 2021. Photo by Merrideth McDowell

Going through the motions just to get by took everything in me. Self-doubt became crippling and I truly believed my brain wasn’t capable of being in school.

I should just drop out. I’m not cut out for this. It felt like I was always playing catch up with my peers in a constant loop of comparison and shame. I was prescribed antidepressants that did more harm than good and had to withdraw from classes.

Dropping my classes to protect my mental health seemed like the best choice. I tried new medications, set myself up for success by preparing for the upcoming quarter and practiced good study habits.

Maybe I can get my brain to work for me this time.

The beginning of the quarter always starts out on a high. I’m finally going to be successful! I’m excited for my classes and I’m learning about the things I love! But I know now that my brain lacks the chemicals I need to feel motivated to make these things happen, regardless of how much I want to do them. Watching a YouTube video on productivity or trying the routines of the most successful people in the world don’t give me the dopamine to harness the motivation I desperately need.

When COVID-19 hit and universities moved to virtual meetings, I didn’t even think about the mental impact of learning without a classroom.

I fidget with whatever I can reach; I lock and unlock my phone for the small rush of dopamine that can get me through the rest of a professor’s presentation.

I make my way to the kitchen, laptop in hand to make another cup of coffee that will make my heart race for the rest of the day, but at least I might get an assignment turned in.

Alisha works on her computer at Boulevard Park in Bellingham, Wash. on May 31, 2021. The park serves as a common workspace for Alisha. Photo by Merrideth McDowell

Though struggling through virtual classes has taken a toll on me, it also gave me the push I needed to look into an ADHD diagnosis. Rates of ADHD in college students are estimated to be around 5%, and 25% among students with disabilities.

My experience getting diagnosed leaves me hopeful for others who were given different diagnoses as children. Women are especially likely to be misdiagnosed, or have their symptoms overlooked. My late diagnosis is not uncommon, since young girls often don’t present “traditional” ADHD symptoms. This is changing, however, as more research and education about ADHD is becoming more available to the public.

Growing up wondering why your brain doesn’t work like everyone else’s is painful and self-advocating as an adult can be even harder. Humans are learning more and more about ADHD and mental health symptoms, validating the experiences of those who are struggling. I’m hopeful for a world where students can learn in the ways that best work for them, regardless of what they want to learn.