Grow Your Mental Resilience to Stress Less About People’s Opinions
By: Martina Doleckova
Tags: Self, Mental Health, Life Lessons, Life, Self Improvement

Next door to us lives a guy who is the embodiment of happy confidence. Whenever he walks past our windows, he’s singing out loud to his headphones. His voice is mostly out of tune, but that doesn’t matter; it’s his energy that catches my eye.

Unbeatable optimism is his signature vibe. He could be out there battling a hurricane and horizontal rain and still be singing. Day by day, lockdown or not, he refuses to give in and turn miserable.

Well, I love him. I always take a moment to listen when I hear his voice coming. He makes me smile. As long as the singing guy is still singing, things cannot be that bad.

And the best thing is, he doesn’t care what other people think. He doesn’t even care when they laugh. How does he manage to put his own contentment above what others think so effortlessly?

Playing the safe game

Most of us wouldn’t do it. You and I would most likely cave in to our natural fear of being judged, even if we just had the best news of our life and are dying for a victory dance in the grocery queue.

Most of us can’t always just be ourselves because we are conscious of how others see us. And sometimes, this fear of judgment can stop us from making the progress we are seeking. If you have a beautiful singing voice but are scared to send out a sample in case others don’t like it, you miss an opportunity to be discovered. If you have a brilliant work idea and are afraid to present it because it sounds too crazy, you might be missing out on career growth.

Many people miss opportunities through similar safety behaviors. These safety behaviors allow them to avoid the discomfort zone of having their talents and ideas exposed (and inevitably, judged) by other people.

Self-doubt can affect everyone

If you, too, often get anxious about what others think, you are not alone. Self-doubt and fear of judgment affect even high achievers, celebrities, and people who otherwise come across as epitomes of confidence.

According to Forbes, the majority of smart and successful people tend to doubt their talents often. Mike Myers, who is not only an actor but a screenwriter, a comedian, and a producer, therefore clearly a multi-talented person, once said:

At any time I still expect that the no-talent police will come and arrest me.

Even the biggest names in the game can doubt the quality of their work or even their self-worth. To everyone’s surprise, Will Smith admitted in more than one interview:

I still doubt myself every single day. What people believe is my self-confidence is actually my reaction to fear.

In the Style Like U What’s Underneath interview series, hundreds of people from all backgrounds, including models and actors, agreed to open up about their vulnerabilities, body insecurities, and fears. Through their sharing of raw feelings and deeply personal stories, the project went viral overnight because millions of people could relate or felt the same.

Build resilience to care less

Caring less is not about being careless. It’s about stressing less. When you build your mental resilience, you care less about external validation because you strengthen your own sense of self in the process. You feel less exposed in situations requiring involvement. Confidence is buildable, just like a muscle.

The other day I noticed a simple but powerful equation when walking through the Leake Street tunnels. It’s an equation about Abstract Art:

Abstract Art = Erm, anyone could have done that + Yeah, but you didn’t.

It reminded me that the people who judge the most are often the ones who do the least. Perceptions are subjective. How others see the outcome is secondary to the evolution of your journey through the process. So the most important thing is to show up. For yourself.

Choose what’s more important than fear

It can be tricky, but it is possible to work with your fear. In fact, the ability to use fear and transform it into growth is what Will Smith sees as the most crucial step of his career:

Courage is not the absence of fear, but the recognition that something else is more important.

When I worked in corporate publishing, I used to get mad anxiety when giving presentations in meetings. The bigger the conference room and the more people squeezed in it, the worse I crumbled. As soon as all the piercing eyes fixated on me, my mind would blackout, I’d get hot flushes, and lose my voice. Yeah, it was bad.

Then one day, I was asked to present a new idea to the CEO and his team.

I had to choose. And I knew that this time, I couldn’t afford to choose my fear.

So I sat down and analyzed everything I felt, using the ramble technique. Then, I thought of solutions to make me feel safer. I knew I’d feel less exposed if I sat down facing the audience rather than standing up. I found a presentation buddy to back me up in case I stumbled. I made my slides super-visual to draw attention away from my face.

This new set-up was my personalized safety net. I didn’t rock the presentation, but it was ok. And for me, ok was indeed a huge victory.

When facing fear, rambling about it on paper is a great start. It works by giving you clarity. Don’t hold anything back. Once your doubts are black on white, they’ll look different. You’ll probably find it easier to detach at least a little and analyze your notes more rationally. Next, find your motivation. Ask yourself what’s more important, your fear, or a record deal? Then, see if you can create any actionable bullet points. Always start with what seems the easiest.

If you prefer diving into positive waters rather than your fears, you can start by answering this list of 20 Questions to Help Increase Your Confidence.

Mind your (inner) tone

The inner voice in our head can be harsh and unforgiving at times. But you can break through its mean noise by asking a simple question:

Would you say this to your best friend or someone you love?

Very often, we find it hard to give ourselves the same love and respect we give others. But the bottom line is, you deserve to treat yourself like you treat your best friend. And your inner voice needs to reflect that.

Instead of focusing on your imperfections, take some time to think about your perfections. And make sure to make a list too. Showing yourself the same love and kindness you have for others when they struggle is an antidote to all the external influences that seed doubts and insecurities within us daily.

“We feel that the process of self-acceptance, while it might sound flowery, is actually not; it’s a heavy-duty, important shift that has to happen.” — Elisa Goodkind, Style Like U

We all crave external approval or social validation sometimes. But these two things don’t mean much without your own inner endorsement. Acceptance, validation, and appreciation are the most profound when they first come from you.

Look for realness in others

Real life does not airbrush. Perfection is subjective. Comparing ourselves to others can cause insecurity and anxiety. Better create the version of yourself that you like the most.

As the body positivity movement proves every day, sharing our scars makes us feel connected. Imperfections tell stories. And stories empower people.

More celebrities now use their platforms to encourage sharing realness. Even royalty no longer hesitates.

I loved what Princess Eugenie did on her wedding day. She chose to wear a wedding dress with a deep open back that exposed her scar from a scoliosis spinal surgery. Without saying a word, she made a profound statement about self-love and acceptance of the marks each personal journey can leave behind.

When you start seeing beauty in the realness of others, it becomes much easier to accept and love your own. Ignore the trolls and focus on people who see you for you. They see your uniqueness and they see your beauty, inside and out, when you let them.

Whenever you feel doubtful about your talent, skills, or the way others see you, remember what Brene Brown says about vulnerability:

Finding balance in your vulnerability expands your world. Staying vulnerable and authentic is a risk we have to take to experience real connections.

And it gets better.

As you build your resilience of mind, and with practice, the things making you feel vulnerable now eventually get easier. And in doing so, they become the stepping stones to building greater confidence.