You’re Invited to My Tinder Reveal Party
By: Sara K. Runnels
Tags: Humor, Relationships, Culture, Dating, Satire

You’re Invited to My Tinder Reveal Party

Don’t swipe left on this celebration for singles!

IT’S A BOY!

(Well, it’s a man — but you get the idea.)

Since the birth of gender reveal parties, these controversial celebrations have proven to be dangerous and superfluous, revealing very little beyond an ostentatious display of pink-or-blue chaos. This is why it’s time to ditch this neo-traditional event, and shift the attention to one that’s more impressive and innovative, and less harmful to both the environment and social constructs.

So, please mark your calendar for my first-ever Tinder reveal!

WHY:

Single, childless people are part of an ever-growing community who don’t get to be consistently celebrated and rewarded for love- and family-based milestones via endless baby showers, bridal baths, bachelor bashes, wedding parades, engagement ragers, gender reveal festivals, divorce fiestas, etc. Let’s take this opportunity to replace an overwhelmingly underwhelming party with one that’s fun for the entire family!*

WHO:

*No children allowed. 30 & up.

WHAT:

At my Tinder Reveal Party, you’ll meet the 2–3 (but up to 25) men I’m talking to on the iconic dating app at that given moment. By “meet,” I mean I’ll reveal their pictures, age, jobs, and the handful of knowledge I’ve acquired through amateur detective work. We’ll analyze their blurry selfies and bio one-liners, on top of any banter we’ve had so far — from simplistic greetings like “hey” and dead silence, to absolute blatant buffoonery, like the “Not-here-for-hook-ups” guy who is solely there for hook-ups.

Plus, we’ll play games — just like these men do! Before the big reveal of this week’s matches, I’ll have everyone go around and guess what type of singles are in the latest line-up. Will there be a beautiful, bearded creative type with zero emotional availability? (For sure.) A guy who doesn’t drink but is too attractive not to have him watch me crush nine glasses of wine on a first date? (Likely.) A bro with no body fat dangling from a cliff? (Maybe, if he promises to go indoors at some point.) A man holding a dead animal? (Over my dead body.) See? Fun! Once I’ve revealed them all, you’ll vote for the fella you feel has the most potential, and I’ll make sure he’s the one I get ghosted by last!

WHERE:

The Tinder Reveal Party will take place on Zoom, obviously, until further notice. While this means we won’t be able to emulate your traditional reveal parties with color-coordinated cakes and sparkly balloons and destructive pyrotechnics, please feel free to decorate your video-call space in whatever way you feel conveys your unrelenting happiness for my continued digital pursuit of a mate. (I’ll be positioned on the couch, wearing my coveted “swiping” sweatpants, drinking straight from a bottle of anything.) Since fundamentally nothing could possibly go wrong with this modern twist on a subjectively-beloved celebration, I fully encourage you to act out on Zoom, as I’ll be recording live, and aspire to a level of virality where I am revered for my ingenious spinster brainchild and not shamed for setting anything on fire (except my Beyoncé prayer candle).

WHEN:

Unlike other big milestone events, I’ll be doing Tinder reveals every few weeks for the rest of my life, until it’s time for an official Boyfriend or Husband Reveal.

GIFTS:

My gift to you is that you’ll get to live vicariously through me in a way that makes you want to hug your partner a little tighter than usual. My gift to the world is one less gender reveal party fiasco. Your gift to me? I am registered at my local liquor store and Venmo.

Thank you for being part of our (me and countless bachelors’) special day!