That Time I Accidentally Went Out with a Guy in the Mafia
By: Rachel Khona
Tags: True Story, Humor, Dating, Comedy, Sex

Photo by mahdi rezaei on Unsplash

I grew up in a conservative Indian family. This meant anything with a Y chromosome was off limits. Don’t look at boys, don’t think about boys, don’t talk to boys, don’t even think about talking to boys. No dating, no making out, and definitely no sex. I was to be a good Indian girl, get good grades, get into an Ivy League school and marry a nice Indian boy.

All of this would have been fine if I grew up in India. But I was raised in suburban New Jersey. So my priorities as a teenager were short skirts, cheerleading, big hair, (this was Jersey after all), and, of course, boys. The only problem was I didn’t know how to approach guys because I didn’t have any proper examples. My parents got married after three dates in what was basically an arranged marriage. They were of no help at all.

So I turned my attention to the only other sources of information I had; fashion magazines. I read every issue of Seventeen, Sassy and YM religiously in the hopes of discerning some clues about the opposite sex. After much research, I realized my best bet was to look as close to a supermodel as possible at all times. Little did I know I would soon have the chance to put all my reconnaissance to work.

Senior year I got a job at the local movie theater. This meant I had to serve popcorn and pretzels to a bunch of bratty kids and their even shittier parents, while wearing a super sexy tuxedo with bow tie. I looked completely hideous in the uniform and I had to pull my hair back in a unsightly ponytail. But it was my first taste of real freedom, so I was more excited than a dog in heat. Now that I had graduated high school, I had my whole future ahead of me. Before I knew it I would be a drunken slut like every other American teenager!

I made friends with a couple of the girls who worked at the movie theater, Jodi and Karen. We bonded over our mutual dislike of Amy who was in ticket taking. Amy apparently thought she was hot shit because she recently got promoted from concession. She desperately clung onto any sense of entitlement as unlike the rest of us who were going to college in the fall, her sole crowning achievement would be working for a movie theater in New Jersey.

I had still next to no freedom to do anything, and if possible I’m sure my parents would have chained me in the backyard like they did to Sparky sometimes. But since there are laws against child abuse, they were forbidden and stuck to just torturing me mentally.

My solution for my absurdly early curfews, (9:00 pm), was to lie. I would say I was working late at the movie theater which would take me at least till midnight. If I wanted to stay out really late, I would say I was sleeping over a friend’s house. They always bought the story, hook, line and sinker.

When Karen and Jodi had invited me to go clubbing in Philly, I made up my usual cockamamie story about sleeping over someone’s house, got dressed up in my most fabulous outfit, and drove over to pick up the girls.

“Omigod, we have the perfect guy for you,” Karen gushed as she entered the car.

“You do?” My ears immediately perked up.

“Oh yeah,” Jodi chimed in. “He’s like totally cute and you’re totally his type. He’s so nice. Him and his friends are meeting us out tonight.”

I wasn’t sure what they thought my type was but I was curious to find out. When we arrived at the club in Philly, I made sure to yank my shirt down a bit so I had some cleavage, and carefully apply some more peach-flavored lip gloss just in case he was actually cute.

“Come here!” Jodi grabbed my arm as she lead me over to the bar where lo and behold one of the cutest guys I had ever seen was standing. Jimmy was six-feet tall, tan, with long, brown hair and piercing blue eyes. He looked like he walked straight off the set of a daytime soap. I couldn’t believe my luck. Are they seriously setting me up with him? Why weren’t they trying to get in his pants? Regardless, I was finally going to break the repressive chains of my parents with Jimmy’s help.

“Hi,” he said and reached his hand out.

“Hi” I said coyly, shaking his hand in return.

We continued chatting for awhile. Good taste in music? Check. In good shape? For sure. Tattoos? Totally! Cute Jersey accent? Definitely. Old enough to get arrested for having sex with me? Check. Jimmy happened to be twenty-seven. For a moment, I contemplated the peculiarity of a twenty-seven-year-old wanting to hook up with a seventeen-year-old, but I quickly banished the thought from my mind while I focused on his cuteness. After all, it seemed irrelevant when we had so much in common.

I hadn’t read The Rules at this point in my life — probably because it hadn’t been written yet — but I had been reading my magazines, so I knew I couldn’t converse with him for too long. I had to excuse myself briefly while he pondered how mysterious and enchanting I was. So I told him I needed to go catch up with Jodi and Karen. They were out on the dance floor trying their best to look sexy. For straight girls this meant dancing excessively close to your girlfriend so guys can fantasize that you’re a lesbian.

“He totally likes you,” Karen said.

“Omigod, like yeah, he totally does.” Jodi added.

“Um, yeah he totally he does. He asked for my phone number!” I squealed. Jodi and Karen squealed in response.

“Let’s dance sexy so Jimmy notices.”

“Okay!” I shouted with glee.

The rest of the night continued like this. A back and forth of sexy dancing with each other and chatting it up with Jimmy. By the end of the night I was positive I had him in a frenzy. I just knew he was going to fall madly in love with me. We made out briefly when we parted ways, which in my head totally sealed the deal.

“So when can I take you out?” he asked, moving the hair out of my face.

“Ummm, well I have off on Wednesday.”

“Wednesday it is. I’ll call you.”

When it came time for our big date, I lied as usual to my parents about my plans. I met him at Houlian’s for dinner. I wanted to order a Long Island Ice Tea or a Hurricane, since I was in the company of someone older, but I decided it was best not to get too wasted. Plus I didn’t want to deal with the embarrassment of being carded. After dinner we climbed into his silver Mercedes convertible to go to the movies. I was both shocked and turned on. The only people I knew with nice cars were my parents and their friends, so I was wondered how someone his age could afford an $80,000 car.

“So what exactly do you do for a living?”

After a moment of silence, he said, “Uh, I work for my uncle.”

“Oh cool, doing what?”

“Oh you know. A little of this a little of that. So what are you going to study in college?” he asked changing the topic.

“Oh I don’t know. Maybe finance. Did you go to college?” I asked.

“Nah, never saw the point.”