Reflections on the End of a Relationship with a Narcissistic Person
By: Jessica M. Phoenix
Tags: Self Improvement, Breakups, Healing, Relationships, Narcissism

When my first relationship ended it did not feel like this. It felt like a relief. It felt like freedom. It felt like I jumped right into the arms of the man who just dumped me hard in a pandemic. In my defense my last relationship was over long before it was legally over. I had known she was a narcissist for years, and had just accepted the abuse and carved out space for myself to avoid it because I did not have the resources to leave (she had control of all money, assets, and had legally adopted my daughter) and I had just decided to stay, take care of my daughter, and have that be my life until she was 18. This ex and I were in the same house but in separate rooms, for years. We had no interaction, no communication, and did nothing together at all for about five years. No outings, no meals, no walks, nothing. We parented my daughter, who spent most of her time with me, while my ‘partner’ worked and did her own thing. So, when I met this man I thought it was time to leave, that he was my reward for the years of suffering, and that this was such an amazing love story that it had to be true love.

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And boy did he make me feel loved. Texts, texts, texts, calls all of the time, so many words, so much praise. And then sometimes, later, things felt a bit less nice like when he would judge me for being shy or for not wanting to drink and go with the flow in social settings. And then lastly, when he abruptly left me, fast and easy, without even letting me say a word, in a pandemic five weeks ago. And I realized these times have names. They are proven phases in the cycle of a toxic and tragic relationship with a narcissist.

When my therapist mentioned this I told her but wait, I already had one narcissist and he was not like that. She said that is not how it goes. That there is a spectrum of sorts. That you won’t always be in one like my first relationship where it is constant emotional abuse, put downs, gaslighting, no affection, no kindness, and so on. That sometimes it is like the one I just left — kindness and affection and care and love sometimes, and then times of feeling like garbage, all with this underlying sense that the person I love has no empathy, no idea about how to communicate deep feelings, and struggles to see things that are not directly about him as important.

And then I asked her, well is it my fault? What did I do to attract and fall in love with two of these types, one a woman, one a man? And here’s what she said:

Why Me? Why You?

Apparently, from all that I have read and all that I have experienced, and all that my therapist has told me it is not my fault that I attracted these people. I have issues, yes. And those issues DO make it easier for me to be a target of narcissistic folk. What issues? Self love deficiency, for one. Unhealed trauma, for two. Unbelievable sense of naivety when it comes to believing in people and trusting people. Ouch. Narcissists are attracted to people who will be easy on them and allow them to get their fix of ego boosting.

They seek us out, fam. We do not seek them out, okay? My therapist wanted me to get that straight, and I want me to get that straight, and also, I want you to understand it. It is NOT our fault that we are trusting people with good hearts who believe in love.

The primary traits that we have that draw these people to us include:

Our caretaking/nurturing traits — we nurture, we give, we take care, and they see it and know it and want it from us because this way they know they will have someone to do the emotional labor in the relationship.

Our empathetic and forgiving nature — again, they love this stuff, and I am not ever going to say it is bad to be empathetic and forgiving, these are some of my favorite things about myself, but with a narcissistic personality type these things are going to be sucked dry, either in small doses, or when the hard times hit all at once, — they depend on these things to ensure they are able to keep doing the things they do that are harmful to you, to the relationship, and hell even to themselves

Our life is good, we have potential, we have a lot going for us — this one is harder to understand because I know right now, if you are in the hell of recovering from a break up with someone who has narcissistic traits, you may not feel like you have or have ever had a lot going for you. But believe me, in my experience, this is true. The narcissist sees that we have a neat life — we have a good job, maybe, or we have talent and creativity in one area that is inspiring, or we have joy in our life and again, they want in, they want to ride our coattails, show us off and oh, when they start the ‘tearing us down phase’ it is more fun for them because we have further to fall. Ouch again.

We are easy going people — we might even be people pleasers, we might even be codependent, but above all, we are easy going — we do not cause drama, we are not up and down in our moods and anger, we are generally chill and want to keep peace and they love this again because it helps them to do what they do — cause chaos, be emotionally unavailable, take our energies, and know that we will for the most part keep bouncing back, letting go, reverting ‘back to normal’ as soon as possible after each episode of pain and disruption.

We have good hearts and always look for the best in others — ouch ouch, ouch, ouch and ouch. This one hurts. Deeply. Because why be punished for something so wonderful, right? Why be hurt repeatedly for something that should just be basic human decency? Well, because we keep narcissists around long after they have started to show their true self. Because we keep seeing the good in them, we keep waiting for it to take over, we keep using our good hearts to encourage them to be their best self, the self we see in them. And sometimes they do the things that show us they are going to pull through, they are going to side with their best and highest self. And then when they are done trying those things, or when they cannot sustain the effort it takes, they stop. And we are out. They get rid of us, and fast.

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Stages of a Relationship with a Narcissist

If you have ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, this will all feel very familiar to you. If you suspect you might be in one now, keep reading. When I talk with others about how their relationship grew, bloomed, developed, and sustained it seems that their story feels very different from my own. Maybe they dated and thought about things for a bit. Maybe they were friends first and love grew. But usually they did not have these three distinct and back and forth (until the end!) phases that stem from being in a relationship with a narcissistic person: idealization phase, devaluation phase, and the discard.

Idealization — the narcissistic person loves you. He loves you more than he has ever loved before. He loves everything about you. He tells you this all of the time and it feels so amazing, and it sounds like what love feels like — from movies, from fantasies, from the best parts of things your friends have told you. It feels amazing. Like you are getting showered with the most warm and loving sun rays all day long. You are walking on clouds because this man loves you so much he tells you so many times a day, he sends you the most amazing texts you have ever had, he calls you on his lunch break, he beams at you, you two are perfect together. You have amazing chemistry, you talk all of the time, you have intimacy and affection every single day, you are everything that love should be. It is bliss. And then ….it fades. And then it comes back, yes! And then it fades again. And again. And you just hit stage two: the narcissistic person stopped seeing your value. And he will make sure you know about it.

Devaluation — you will feel like you messed up, like you did something wrong. You will feel like the world is ending and all you want to do is to get back to that good stuff, to get back to normal as soon as possible. The love of your life has some strong criticism for all of the things he had previously said were perfect about you. And usually this comes about because he stopped seeing you as an extension of himself. My therapist, wise woman, told me that narcissistic people see those they love as an extension of themselves. And so when things are going good that means he is seeing you as just a part of him — his arm, leg, his partner, same thing. You are pleasing him and making him feel good, so it is good. When for whatever reason — could be something within him, could be an incident that both of you created, could be something you said or did, it does not really matter because these phases are inevitable in a relationship with a narcissist — eventually he will come to devalue you.

In my case my fiance, ex fiance, love of my life, hated how I was in social situations. He would want to party, drink, small talk, stay out all night, I would want to have meaningful conversations, not drink so much, and go home at a reasonable hour. He also continuously pitted me against others in his life — his daughters, grown daughters, mind you, and his past women. He always compared me to them, now in the idealization phase I was the best of course, he loved how my energy was calm and peaceful compared to his daughter’s energy of demanding and constant talking, he loved how I talked to him with kindness not like his exes, and so on. But in the devaluation phase, well I was the worst always — I created tension with his daughters, he said, by being ‘awkward,’ I did not like porn like his other women did, and I was just all wrong. Many times these incidents blew up in our relationship. Each time followed by forgiveness, understanding, him apologizing, and not much else changing. Until the last time. He had hit his discard phase and again, there was nothing I could have ever done to prevent this. I was ignoring the red flags, shutting out the sins, and choosing to see the good in him and have hope for our love. Oops.

Discard — the end. And the end comes at you fast. I was blindsided. Absolutely blindsided. One day we were making love, talking about our plans for the holidays, I was making him soup for lunch, and hours later he told me it was over, that he loved me but he could not do it anymore. And he was gone. The story is here for those who want the full picture of what a fast and furious discard phase looks like.

Now in our case, and in many cases when I do the reading, talk to friends, and so on we did have one other period of discard and he told me he needed space and wanted to break up with me for ‘practical reasons.’ We spent a week broken up. It was hell on earth for me. And I managed to talk him out of it. He said he wanted to break up to focus on money and his kids. I guess I should have listened and let it happen then. That would have saved me two years of pain and time wasted, in retrospect. But I loved him and did not want to lose him. Two years later, bam, he was gone and for the same reasons which were and have always been, and will always be excuses.

In reality his fun was over. He did not see any value in me anymore and he most likely had ideas in mind for a new source of supply. Which breaks my heart into a million pieces. But somehow knowing these phases are inevitable, knowing that this has been his pattern for 30 years — his first marriage ended because he cheated on his wife, then that relationship ended because he cheated on that woman, and then that relationship ended because he cheated on that last one and then, there was me. And I thought I would be the one to break his cycle. Instead, of course, patterns repeat, narcissistic people do what they do, and discard came at me harsh and cold on a Sunday afternoon in a pandemic. And yes, discard feels exactly as it sounds — I felt like I — and our five year relationship — was thrown out, carelessly and without any concern or bit of remorse.

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Conclusion, for Now: Dealing with the Fallout

Narcissistic people are emotionally reckless. They do not comprehend that their actions have consequences. When they are in the discard phase, they are fully shut down, done with you, done with pretending, done with the work that went into idealization. You will want to reach out, you will want to ask why, you will want something to end the feelings of grief and confusion over why it was so easy for them to just walk away. And I believe, five weeks in now, going on six, that these things are not going to happen for me, and they will not happen for any woman or man who is in the free fall of discard phase after a relationship with a narcissistic person.

We have to deal with it all on our own and we cannot give them any more of our energy. Which is so much easier to say than to do. My brain and heart and body are full of thoughts and longings for him almost 24/7. Even though I know what I know, even though my friends tell me what they tell me. My heart hurts and the heaviness I feel is monumental. In upcoming articles I will talk about what we can do, what I am doing, what has been done to get through this.

I am getting through this. That much is certain. I know that I can heal, eventually and I know that after this healing will come all of the self love things that erase and replace that void in me that draws narcissistic people, selfish people, broken people who will not work on their issues, to me. My light is not for them anymore.

My love and nurturing, my empathy, my heart and my goodness are not ever going to go in their direction. Healing from the pain of a narcissistic relationship with a full out crazy-making discard means hitting bottom for those of us with self-love deficiency. And when you hit bottom as we all know, the only way out is up. I am, as I say, a woman on the rise.