Why Now Is The Perfect Time To Invest In Crypto
By: Fireside Post, Business Satire
Tags: Humor, Investing, Cryptocurrency, Satire, Bitcoin

While the stock chart of Bitcoin looks like a super fun rollercoaster at Six Flags — investing in cryptocurrency is some serious shit. At least, we think it is because everyone is talking about it. And because everyone is talking about it — then it must be some serious shit.

If you’re feeling major FOMO from not investing in Bitcoin when it was a measly $100, don’t worry!

There’s still time to reap the benefits of investing in cryptocurrency. We’re not talking about economical benefits, however. That ship has sailed.

We’re talking about the social clout you have over your peers that comes with investing and owning cryptocurrency.

In this very important and informative article, we reveal six reasons why you should plunge some of your finances into cryptocurrency and how to leverage that social clout — the first step to thinking you can buy that superyacht in Monte Carlo.

So here’s why you should invest in crypto:

You can now tell all your friends that you own a crypto

“Yea, my portfolio consists of about 40% Bitcoin, 25% Ethereum, 12% Tron, 8% EOS, and 15% Dogecoin.”

Shove that sentence into any after work happy hour conversation and you’ll be sure to get some wide open eyelids.

“Wait, there’s more than Bitcoin?” says your uninformed co-worker, Jeff.

This is a great opportunity for you to just list a bunch of the other cryptocurrencies you own and vaguely talk about why they’re going to change the way we use money. You don’t know what they are or what they do, but a quick skim on the Wikipedia page will help you out.

You now have the authority to talk about any subject related to crypto

Start dropping knowledge left, right, up, down, and diagonally (only if you’re a bishop though) about everything crypto.

Assuming that you’ve already subscribed to all the crypto RSS feeds and twitter handles, you’ll have enough knowledge about the market to verbally debilitate your friends at any function!

You can start saying ‘crypto’ instead of cryptocurrency

I mean, it comes with a right of passage.

You can now start talking about how everything is going to be ‘decentralized’ in the future

Banks, the internet, f*ck it, everything needs to be decentralized. Every time someone says they have to stop at an ATM, cross your arms and go “Pfft, those are gonna be gone soon.”

Example conversation:

“I think we should decentralize zoos.” “That’s called the wilderness, Tom”

You can explain blockchain to your friends like they’re extraterrestrial organisms from another solar system

“The blockchain will revolutionize the established systems we currently have in place!”

When you finally invest in cryptocurrency (sorry: crypto), it comes with a new wealth of knowledge about the blockchain that your peers may not understand.

Talk about the blockchain in layman’s terms to them — even though you still kinda don’t fully understand what it is. Slowly explain what it is and how it works. When they try to repeat what you say, offer some additional encouragement in the form of a smile and a positive tone of voice.

Eventually, you’ll need to describe to them how you’re an early adopter for investing and how they’re a bunch of ‘laggards.’

You can periodically check crypto charts in front of people to let them know you’re hot shit

In a big meeting? Whip out your laptop and pull up a stock chart daunting enough to make a stock trader at Merril Lynch squirm. Change the colors of the charts to make it look like your looking at different aspects of the price change. Make sure there’s a bunch of ticker symbols and prices on the right-hand corner colored in red and green as well.

Nothing says “I made a terrible financial investment” more than checking stock charts way too often with puddles of sweat under the armpits of your Oxford button-up shirt.

Pro-tip: Download Coinbase to track your ‘earnings’

Now, all you have to do is invest in some crypto. Just put a bunch of names in a hat and pick one. It doesn’t really make a difference whether you have Ripple or LiteCoin. All that matters is that you have it. After you’re done — you’ll feel like you made the investment of a lifetime. We’ll meet you at the harbor to compare superyachts.

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