90s Themed Bootcamp for Spoiled Teens
By: Bill Dubay Jr.
Tags: Fiction, Satire, Parenting, Humor, Television

HUMOR/SATIRE

90s Themed Bootcamp for Spoiled Teens

Watch Your Teens Sullen Ways Dissolve As They Gain an Appreciation for the Days of Your Youth

Does your teen suffer from the inability to talk to you without looking at their phone? Is their answer to, “How was your day?” always one syllable? Do you only see a spark in their eye at the mention of online gaming? Do they say things that your mother would have answered with the help of a long wooden spoon?

If one of your most frequent thoughts around your teen is, “If you only knew how good you have it,” then treat them to a chance to see things from your point of view and send them to our Back to the 90s Bootcamp.

There, they can see how you had it back in your day when teens somehow survived while being forced to do stuff like go inside buildings to pick out a video or calling friends on the phone and actually talk to them.

Our Back to the 90s Bootcamp emulates being a teen in the 1990s so your teen can see first hand the days before the internet was a real thing.

Our camp also utilizes the best aspects of the pop culture from your 90s youth to give them a new appreciation for the icons of your teen years while providing a lively learning experience.

Teens who display resistance to obedience will be pulled aside while Clarissa Explains It All over and over again until they really, really get it.

For the first few days, in order to facilitate your teen’s shedding of their sullen ways, they’ll be shadowed by our highly-trained Daria impersonators who will show them just how deep and dark sullen can go.

We’ll teach your teen the virtue of patience by having them reenact the scenarios of your teen years. They’ll do things like calling their friend’s pager and wait patiently by the landline phone until they call them back. Also, they’ll experience the pleasures of waiting for music ordered by mail.

In their world of unfiltered internet gimcrackery, it’s likely your teen’s idea of edginess is edgier than your edgiest ever was. We’ll help your teen pull back towards more comfortable levels of crassness with a constant barrage of clips from Blossom and Boy Meets World episodes mixed in with loops of dialog from My So-Called Life so we can instill in them the true meaning of edgy comedy.

They’ll learn how to go outside and find things to do with our Go Outside and Find Things to Do classes taught by Doug and his gang from Bluffington.

We’ll chase them with a wooden panel and then whoop their behinds just like the beginning of the movie Dazed and Confused so they can understand the type of parental justice you likely endured while gaining a glimpse into early 90s indie movie gold.

Your younger teen will learn the wonders of science with our fantastical cartoon and reality blend of lessons taught mostly in a magic school bus by Ms. Frizzle herself with several guest lectures from Bill Nye, that science guy.

We’ll treat your teen’s health needs with care by allowing them to take one or two sick days per session, because staying home and watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island, The Munsters, and Press Your Luck is a whole 90s education in itself.

For their final project, your teen will be expected to have obtained a deep knowledge of 90s pop culture and they’ll be challenged to go even deeper into the past by reaching back into 80s pop culture and formulating a speech similar to Lloyd Dobler’s dinner table soliloquy in Say Anything when he was asked about his life’s plans.

“I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.” — Loyd Dobler from Say Anything

Once your teen completes their final project, your formerly-sullen teen will have a clear direction and purpose in their life after the deep contemplation and preparation their Loyd Dobler speech challenged them to.

If all else fails and your teen is still stuck in their sullen ways, we’ll bring out the big guns. That’s right, they’ll be subjected to repetitive episodes of Barney interspersed with a good dose of Teletubbies for good measure. Typically, once they’re released from such a session, they’ll be begging to go home, ready to pledge absolute respect for what they now see as your very reasonable rules for proper decorum.

Enroll today in our Back to the 90s Bootcamp and say goodbye to your teen’s unappreciative ways while you enjoy the new bond with the insights they’ll surely gain in their sessions with our authentic and impersonator 90s icons.