Musings, Moments & Metamorphosis
By: Gabcudjoe Wilkes
Tags: Tips, How To, Black Women, Birthday

I am enough

It’s a cliche. You’ve heard it before. But it’s true. You are enough. I learned this in the fall of 2017. I had just turned 32 years old and made the decision to travel to Cambridge, England to live and study there for three months. I left everything I knew in New York City: took a sabbatical from my job as an associate pastor, resigned from my positions of leadership at Yale, talked with my hubby about whether he thought our marriage could withstand my being away for 3 months, prayed, took a deep breath and I went.

Something phenomenal happened when I went. Suddenly I was living in a place where no one knew me. No one had expectations of me. No one knew my history. It was a clean slate. In those months I learned that I was enough. I spent my weeks in Cambridge and my weekends in London. I traveled to Italy, Paris, Amsterdam, Portugal, and Ireland as weekend getaways just because I could. I linked up with a group of Black ex-pats who invited me in with open arms to their friend circle. I learned my way around the UK with no phone plan, hopping from WiFi to Wifi networks. I learned in that time period, that I really was enough. It gave me the confidence to know that I can start over at any point in my life and I will make it. It taught me that I can always rebuild.

The highlights of that trip were the weeks once a month that my husband would come to spend with me. Having him there meant the world. But when he would hop on his plane each month to head back to NYC, there I would be. Alone but aware that I was enough for my journey. When I got back to New York after those three months a lot of things changed in my life. The changes were hard but the lesson of the UK experience was the certainty that I could always begin again. And so can you.

2. I don’t owe anyone an explanation of my scars…

Scars have stories. Scars have stories. Scars have stories. Yet you don’t owe anyone the story of your scar. Just because someone asked you what happened doesn’t obligate you to share. Our stories are sacred. Share only with those who can honor your story. You’ve lived through some things. You’ve got a story to tell. Not everyone is worthy of your story. Learn to decipher who is.

3. I need people in my life who cheer for me publicly.

I’ve always been the person that people thank and/or affirm in private. It’s odd. For awhile, I felt selfish for wanting people to affirm me out loud. I felt guilty and self-absorbed for wanting this and yet I would see the same people that withhold public praise of me and my work cheering loudly and publicly for others.

What was it that made people treat me like a professional sidepiece? I looked up and I had become someone that folks went to for professional counsel or support but who acted like the barely knew me in public. As I grew older I began to realize that the why didn’t matter. I could spend all day analyzing people’s actions and I could still be wrong because I’m making assumptions. What mattered was for me to unpack what I needed.

This became apparent to me in 2016. I was excited to embark upon a professional milestone as a plenary panelist for a conference that I respected. I along with 4 other panelists were the keynote conversation in a room of 700 attendees with thousands more individuals viewing the livestream. About 3/4 of the way into the panel some audience members walked up to the Q&A mic to name that they felt that we as panelists were not properly reflecting the subject matter at hand. The room quickly went into an uproar as those at the Q&A mic named the ways in which they thought our panel didn’t measure up to the lived experiences of those we were representing. I was crestfallen. I felt I had missed a critical transformative moment to stand tall within my expertise. I felt suckerpunched. Why hadn’t I seen it coming?

I was near tears but didn’t let the tears win. Person after person named how horrible the panel was. I couldn’t wrap my head around how I had bombed so intensely. Hours later, after all of the drama died down, people began to text me saying that my commentary was on point. I was asking those I trusted where I went wrong and they would say “oh your points were good,” “your comments were fine…,” I was instantly relieved and furious. If I had done well, why wouldn’t people name that at the time when I needed to be rescued from that professional slaughter? Why “all panelists” us when it was “some panelists?” The folks that texted me never offered a public defense of my work in that moment. It took me months to recover.

At 35 I can say, I need people in my life who don’t hide their professional and personal relationships with me. I need people in my life who will offer support in the moment. I need people in my life who cite me. I need people in my life who say my name in rooms I’m not in. To some this might sound selfish. To others this might sound self-absorbed. But in my metamorphosis I’m unapologetically naming that that is what I need. Period.

Photo Credit: Dende Photography

4. It’s okay to change your mind.

When I was a freshman at Hampton I felt like I didn’t fit in. I had a rocky first semester and by semester two I had told my family that I wanted to transfer schools. My brother-in-law came to Hampton from Dallas, packed up my dorm room, shipped all of my things home and my family helped me finish the college transfer process. It was settled in my 19 year old mind that I was leaving.

And then as the summer began to progress I started reminiscing about the things I would miss about Hampton. The more I sat with it, the more I feared I had made the wrong choice. Around July I mustered up the courage to tell my mother that I wanted to go back to Hampton. God bless my mother, she is a saint. She didn’t make me feel badly about my choice. She asked me was I sure. When I said that I was, she began calling Hampton University administration repeatedly until she reached them. By August my mother had somehow worked the miracle of securing campus housing for me in the honors dorm and gotten me cleared for registration. My brother-in-law packed me back up, my big sister gave me some counsel and guidance and back to Hampton I went. My family never made me feel badly about changing my mind.

When I arrived on campus that fall, I had a new appreciation for my school. Several months later I began dating the man who would ultimately become my husband. Sometimes we lock ourselves into big decisions only because we fear people will think we are crazy if we change our minds. I’m sure my family thought I was nuts. But they stuck by me and they empowered me. They also taught me the lesson that I kept with me for the rest of my life: it’s okay to change my mind.

5. Insecurities can keep you from the best life has to offer. Don’t let them.

As a child I was extremely shy. I didn’t like talking in front of people. I always second guessed myself. I was too nervous to even order a meal at McDonalds. I remember my older sister used to encourage me: “speak up Gabriella” when people would ask me questions. I was always fearful of saying the wrong thing. As I got older, I spoke more but still feared that I would say the wrong thing. What if I cracked a joke and no one laughed? What if I made a point and someone thought it was stupid? What if I tried to dance but did it the wrong way? I was always second-guessing my own abilities.

But when I got to college, I met a 20 something year old named Marcus Williams. He didn’t attend our school but he was a local promoter in the area and was convinced that I would make a great host for a concert he was producing. The year was 2005 and at the time, I had been working as a radio DJ at our campus radio station. Marcus was convinced that I needed to emcee. My insecurities nearly got the best of me. I told him no a few times but he refused to take no for an answer. I finally gave in and said yes. That moment changed my life. I later graduated and moved to New York where much of my life’s work was connected to me having a mic in my hand. At one point I was on set of a BET show, I was there with a client. Once again my insecurities began to rise up. What if I wasn’t cool enough for BET? What if my client thought I didn’t have the answers she needed for her production needs? What if I couldn’t do this. I called Marcus from the studio and he reminded me just like he had at Hampton, that I was born to do this.

Marcus died suddenly in 2011, just 9 months after being a groomsman and vocalist in my and my husband’s wedding. I’ll always be indebted to him. He saw past my insecurities. He saw what I could not see.

6. Sometimes life IS that good! Don’t sabotage it.

I grew up with the “if it’s too good to be true, it probably is” mantra in the back of my head but deep down I didn’t really believe it. For much of my life things were really good. My mother worked hard to sacrifice for me so I never lacked anything. Beyond my needs, she made sure I had all of my wants too! In fifth grade she got me a puppy, at age 15 she got me my first cell phone, age 16 she got me a car, in college she got me my first iPod & macbook (when they first came out!) I can go on. In my life, things were good. Beyond material things, we had a deeply loving home. Life was good.

I almost bought into the lie that because I lived in a single parent household that somehow life must have been harder for me. Society wanted me to accept that because my father was not present that I somehow had an upbringing that was less than. But my experience was different. Our household was full of love, full of peace, we were complete just as we were. Sometimes your life is actually as good as you think it is. Don’t worry about it changing for the worst, just enjoy what you have. You deserve happiness. The statistics don’t have to be your reality. Just live your life.

7. Stand by Those You Love

The summer of 2007 was the summer after I graduated Hampton. I had planned to enroll in grad school at New York University that fall but in between Hampton and NYU I took a summer internship in Nashville interning for a woman I had a huge deal of respect for — CeCe Winans.

CeCe had a conference that she ran every year called Always Sisters. As an intern I was assigned to work that conference. I worked with the artists as an assistant to the stage manager. As a result, I had backstage access to everything that was taking place.

One of the guest artists that day took my breath away. It was Whitney Houston. Now this was Whitney of 2007. Whitney who was recently exposed on Bravo’s Being Bobby Brown series as full of life but a touch erratic. Whitney of 2007 was no doubt a superstar but this wasn’t Whitney of The Bodygaurd and Waiting to Exhale, this was Whitney whose personal life was making more headlines than her music.

Still, Whitney and CeCe had a storied history of friendship that their fans knew and loved. I’ll never forget the moment that CeCe called Whitney to the stage. Whitney was so happy to be with her Winans family. Whitney felt like singing so the band began playing her and CeCe’s hit: Count on Me. At the very moment that the media was trolling Whitney, CeCe was visibly proud of her friend. Whitney sang a bit more tentatively than usual but CeCe adjusted to her pace. They sang as only sisters can. It was clear that Whitney felt safe with The Winans. They honored her. They covered her. They loved her.

I learned then that true friendship is when the love is evident even when our friends come under scrutiny. The loving bond between Cece & Whitney that day was one I will never forget. It reminded me of how important it is to stand by those you love.

8. Be who you actually are, not who you think they want you to be. People can always smell a fraud.

It took me years to realize that folks are attracted to people who are comfortable in their own skin. Folks can smell a fraud a mile away. Quirky folks who are confident win over rehearsed swag every time. Be you. Trust me. Anything else is a waste of time.

Photo Credit: Dende Photography

9. You can recover.

In 35 years of living I’ve seen people recover from horrendous scenarios. I’ve seen people bounceback from some of life’s cruelest blows. I’m here to tell you, whatever life throws at you — you can recover. You are more than the worst thing that has happened to you.

For me, getting fired from a job I loved was my low point. Some would say that that’s no big deal but for me, I had attached so much of my identity to what I did for a living. Without that I spiraled into a serious identity crisis. I was embarrassed. Unsure of how to begin again. My pride was hurt. For awhile I was paralyzed by my shock and disappointment. But I can tell you this, I recovered. I recovered and you can too. I learned so much about myself in that journey towards recovery. I’m a more self-aware woman now because of the process that that season of my life catapulted me into. Your situation might be a lot more dire than losing a job, but let me tell you — you can recover. This too shall pass.

10. People aren’t villains. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing of.

Understand this: no one is a villain. Everyone has a story. Everyone has a reason. There are some experiences in my life that I’ve lived through where I painted those who opposed me as villains in my memory. It was easier for me to see them as one dimensional people who had done me wrong. But as I got older I realized that everyone is continuously in a decision loop of choices. Some people choose poorly and act in a villainous way towards us but that same person might be an angel towards someone else.

I’ve learned the key is to decipher who to allow into the intimate places of your heart. Everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about. So as a result they may not handle you well. You don’t have to stick around for the mistreatment. Not everyone deserves access to the intimate spaces of your life. They may be great to others and horrible to you. Try your best to see them as fully human not villains, but if they aren’t treating you well, let them go.

11. Hard work ALONE doesn’t pay off.

I’m a worker. If I’m passionate about something I will work relentlessly until I reach my goal. I used to subscribe to the idea that if I worked hard that my work would speak for itself and I would ultimately have professional opportunities because of it. I quickly learned that hard work alone is not enough.

Hard work alone won’t get you there. It takes relationships. It takes conversation partners. It takes relational capital. Regardless of your field, working in silos is not enough. Don’t get it twisted, building true relational capital is hard work. It isn’t a cop out; it’s a necessary part of the work ethic of someone who plans to succeed. The work alone won’t get it done. You’ve got to build relationally alongside doing the work.

12. Everyone is risking it all…

I used to think that everyone successful had a master plan that they were working. As I saw people flawlessly move from company to company, getting promoted, launching businesses, getting married, having kids, buying property, moving cities, getting their degrees, etc. — it seemed like everyone knew what they wanted for their lives and were going about it precisely.

I’ve lived long enough to know now that everyone is winging it. Everyone is taking risks and hoping they pan out. No one knows for sure how these things will work out. But if you take enough risks, eventually something will pay off. You would be surprised at how many people you admire stumbled into some of the life-altering decisions they made for themselves in their lives. Cut yourself some slack. Take some risks!

Photo Credit: 50 Summers

13. Fall in love with someone: it’s as good as you think it is.

I love my husband. Like I REALLY love my husband. I always have. I always will. He and I started dating in college and got married just a couple weeks before my 25th birthday. Life with him has been a dream. Really. I’m not exaggerating. Falling in love with Andrew is one of the greatest decisions of my life.

I say decision because at a particular point I had to give myself over to the organic rhythms of our relationship. At first I was trying to calculate everything. I didn’t want my heart broken so I tried to measure how much I allowed myself to be into him. I didn’t want to be a young couple cliche so I was afraid of getting married too early. I had so many rules in my head about what I should or shouldn’t be doing. But when I decided to give myself over to the organic nature of falling in love with him, everything else worked itself out.

Everyone deserves a great love story. Everyone deserves to love and be loved by someone who has pledged their life to being with you. My advice to you is if you’re in the process of trying to balance love with all of the other dimensions of your life — just make space for love. The other things will work out. You deserve love.

14. Start your own traditions

Traditions are sacred. They’re commitments that you make to yourself and those who share them with you to commemorate things with intentionality. Most of us have holiday traditions, but traditions matter in other aspects of our lives too. About six years ago I began a tradition with my close friends to travel annually together. In the beginning the tradition was easier to keep because we all lived in the same city. But as we began to move to other cities the tradition became harder to keep but that much more sacred and meaningful. Traditions don’t have to only be those you inherit. Start your own. Traditions and rituals add value and expectation to our lives. They matter.