Punishing Myself Won’t Heal Others’ Pain
By: Beth Bruno
Tags: Self Care, Life, Relationships, Self, Forgiveness

Punishing Myself Won’t Heal Others’ Pain

Learning to forgive myself even when others won’t

Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

Every day, I wake up with the realization that there are people I love who have chosen not to give me the opportunity to make right whatever I did wrong. Instead, they have chosen to exclude me from their lives. For a long time shame has lived under my bed, haunting my dreams and grasping at my ankles when I step out of bed in the morning.

I have spent a great deal of time in the ensuing years wondering if I am allowed to forgive myself, since they can’t find it in their hearts to do so. They never even told me what I did wrong. This brings its own brand of torture, causing me to inspect everything I ever did with a fine toothed comb. “Maybe this is what I did that made them mad. Or maybe I said something they took the wrong way. What about this? Could that be the reason?”

Some days I can find acceptance. I can see that I probably made mistakes that were the result of my own confusion, brokenness and pain. I can see that the other person is also broken and confused. I can hold us both in compassion. I can allow it to be what it is.

Other days, I think “Maybe I don’t deserve to be forgiven. Maybe whatever I did was so dreadful that I deserve to be banished. Maybe it is my just reward to carry the guilt and shame of my failures (whatever they were) to my grave.”

Or maybe, I am worthy of mercy just like anyone else. I have yet to meet a perfect person. I know that those who are holding me hostage because of my mistakes have made some whoppers of their own. If I can find it in my heart to forgive others (and I have, many times) then am I not to be afforded the same grace?

I could suffer until the other forgives me, but to what end? Will my suffering heal their pain? Will my suffering repair the rift?

My therapist told me forgiveness is always possible. There is always a chance they will come around. Keep doing the work, she said. You are on the right path.

Sometimes the hardest part of the work is forgiving the other for not giving me a second chance. For not being open to the fact that I have grown and changed. I have been doing my work. I am not who you remember me to be. But because you froze me in that moment that I offended you ( or whatever I did) you have not allowed me to be anything else. In your mind, I am only that person — the me that was not my best that day.

Though I may not be given a second chance, the chance I am being given is to learn to let others go, even when I don’t want to. We have to allow others to live their lives according to their own decisions. This is hard. Really hard. We want to reason with them, try to understand what we did and make it right. But it doesn’t always work that way.

What I am coming to understand is that there are people in our lives who are unable to deal with difficulties like a mature adult so instead they run. This is not just because I did something stupid. It is because they can’t face the issue head-on.

Yogi Bhajan said, “If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all.”

For far too long, I have allowed how other people feel about me to determine how I feel about myself. My work now is to see that they are projecting their own pain on me. I will keep doing my work, forgiving myself and walking forward every day. I can only heal my own pain. Others are responsible for healing theirs, and punishing myself will not heal it for them.

Krista O’Reilly-Davi-Digui says, “Real life is messy. Yes, you’re imperfect and still on the journey. But here is a powerful, life-changing truth: this does not disqualify you from a beautiful, joyful, purpose-filled life.” (emphasis mine)

So. There it is. Just because I made mistakes that others are unwilling to forgive, I am still entitled to live a joyful life. This means recognizing that I am in process. That I mess up sometimes. That I am worthy to be forgiven, just like I forgive others who mess up.

Opening my heart of compassion to allow myself to be imperfect, while I allow others to also be flawed, enables me to find joy in the journey. I do not have to punish myself for how others perceive me. I can’t heal them, but I can heal myself. And maybe one day, they will be ready to forgive. But either way, I will live my life with joy, beauty and purpose.