How A Little Self-Care Helped Me Pass the California Bar Exam
By: Renee Barbara
Tags: Stress Management, Self Love, Lawyers, Law School, California Bar Exam

Credit: Anna Schvets (April 2020) from Pexels.com

The day I found out I failed the California Bar Exam in 2018 was one of the worst days of my life. I broke down. I cried. I felt deep shame. I considered myself a true failure. Some may wonder why the reaction is so dramatic. For those who don’t know, the California Bar is recognized as one of the most difficult in the country. The pass rate for the California Bar Exam has decreased dramatically in recent years and is a source of constant controversy in the legal community due to its high passing cutoff score and the financial burden it puts on law school graduates. And although it was shortened to a two-day exam from a former three days, it remains an antiquated test of memorization and regurgitation in a timed environment, which is actually nothing like the true practice of law. Lawyers don’t need to memorize any statutes or “rules” or anything like that to do their jobs. They do legal research, write, and take time to analyze and critically think about issues, yet oddly, this is not what the California Bar Exam tests.

Like many law grads, in addition to fronting the cost of taking the Bar, applying to taking the Bar, buying legal supplements, and paying to enroll in the most widely-used and reputable bar exam prep course (a steal at $1999), failure meant that I also had wasted a ton of money. I felt guilt for spending all that money. I also questioned what I had done wrong. I questioned whether I would ever become an attorney. After finding out I had failed, I truly believed I could not, and would not, ever recover from it. I felt sorry for myself.

Weeks after the exam, I had felt a sense of anxiety creeping its ugliness into my mind. I even dreamt about the exam and thought about the questions and answers I wrote. I tried to tell myself “What’s done is done.” The exam itself was brutal. It’s physically and emotionally taxing on the mind and body. After the test was over, I thought relief would wash over me. Family and friends told me “I’m sure you passed!” and “Don’t worry about it!” But the relief never came.

And then, the results came out, publicly. My name didn’t appear on the pass list. But, I was not alone in my public failure. In fact, I was in the majority.

In the process of taking and retaking the test, most graduates endure some type of financial and emotional strain. My sanity was tested frequently and I found myself questioning every decision I had made over the last three years of law school, including the decision of going to law school. I felt the pressure from my peers, all claiming to be studying all hours of the day and night. I felt the pressure from myself to study, study, study. I became an anxious person who couldn’t think about anything else or relax at night. I developed insomnia.

After I found out I did not pass, I did not have the strength or courage to come out of house for several days. I could not confront my new reality: I had to decide whether to take the exam again, or not. I was never one to take failing an exam as a personal failure, but this was different. I let this failure define who I was. After all, I had endured countless hours reading, outlining, prepping, taking a multitude of practice exams, studying like I had never studied before. I poured all my energy into this one test. Whether I passed or failed meant more than anything; it was everything. It would determine if I could start applying for jobs as an attorney, and not just as a clerk. Failing the Bar meant uncertainty. I had to depend on family to help me out financially to make ends meet. I felt immense sadness, guilt, anger, and frustration.

After I spent a week in bed, I realized that something had changed within me. Somehow, I had to do something about my attitude. I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. It wasn’t getting me any closer to my goal of being an attorney. I wanted to do something instead of feeling horrible all day long. One morning, I got dressed and went to a local coffee shop where I registered for the next exam. I contacted my employer and luckily, was able to take time off from my job to study.

What no one tells you about the Bar Exam is that it tests your mental strength. It forces you to confront things about yourself that you’d like to keep tucked away, out of view. In the months leading up to the exam, I’d berate myself for taking 15 minute breaks. I’d feel bad for not studying while taking a shower. Intrusive thoughts would enter my mind and I’d question whether I had “done enough” every day. I’d ignore messages from family and friends because “I had to study.” I had convinced myself that if I wasn’t studying late into the night and drinking insane amounts of caffeine, I would not be successful on the Bar Exam. I did not treat my mind or body right from the beginning. I did not give myself the credit for taking on the challenge that is the Bar Exam. I was not kind to myself.

The second time around, I treated studying for the Bar Exam like it was a 9–5 job. I would not study after 6pm on any given day. I took Sundays completely off. I was brutally honest with myself and attacked any subjects that I felt could be substantially improved. I cried and hugged my boyfriend after a rough day. I did more practice tests and more memorization. I analyzed questions that I got wrong and analyzed model answers and tried to emulate them. I ranted to my loved ones and friends. I exercised frequently and drank less caffeine. I went to bed at a reasonable hour.

Most importantly, I stopped beating myself up for not passing on the first attempt.

I passed on my second attempt.

Failing the California Bar Exam was a humbling and exhausting experience. For those reading this feeling a sense of doom, feeling like they will never reach their goals, do not give up. Treat yourself like you’d treat a good friend going through the same process. Respect what your mind and body need in order to thrive. Financial issues aside, I would say to those who were unsuccessful on the Bar Exam: do not give up because of this standardized test. If you can endure the LSAT, law school, and all the other stressors in your life, you can handle this. You can do this.