Here’s What I’ve Learnt From My Failed Relationships
Tags: Life Lessons, Relationships, Relationships Love Dating, Love, Self Love

I’m a hopeless romantic. The kind that has always believed in Prince Charming’s, magical nights, being swept off one’s feet, being crazy in love, etc. etc. I first fell in “love” when I was in high school. This guy just barged into my life and made me feel that I was the most spectacular girl on earth and that he was hopelessly in love with me. He pursued me relentlessly and I was convinced that he was the prince in my fairy tale. I started to reciprocate his feelings and after some months of being together where we both seemed hopelessly in love, he simply ghosted me. Even to this day, I don’t know why he suddenly abandoned me, though of course I have speculated. So here’s my lesson number 1 from that relationship.

Lesson No. 1: Life isn’t a fairy tale or a Mills and Boon Story.

Growing up on cliched romantic Bollywood movies and love novels, I thought that love is supposed to be ardent and forever. But that couldn’t be farther off from the truth. Nothing lasts forever and the love that starts off with much intensity, tends to fizzle out over time. At the age of 13/14 years, we seldom understand that love and relationships are much more complex and requires a lot more work and patience than what is shown in movies. In movies, everything falls into place eventually and if the couple isn’t united, then it’s not the end. But in reality, you may be jilted by the one you love and there may be instances where you won’t find closure and you will be always left wondering “why?”

Lesson No. 2: Rebound relationships are a bad idea

After a break up, the one thing you definitely SHOULDN’T do is immediately move on to another relationship. To get over my first relationship and the heartbreak, I immediately jumped into another one. And that completely resulted in disaster. I got played and I ended up much worse. I was broken and my self-esteem took a severe beating. I was left feeling miserable, insecure and more anguished than ever.

I had my next relationship when I was leaving for London in 2008. This was after four years since the last one. A friend of mine from college who I knew for 5 years proposed on the day of my farewell party (ya very filmy!) and I felt too guilty to say ‘No.’ I didn’t want to hurt him and so accepted his proposal after a few days. I ruminated on it and convinced myself that since I absolutely adore him as a friend, I’ll eventually fall in love with him. Bad Idea!!!

Lesson No. 3: Never Say “Yes” because you are afraid to say “No”

I put the feelings of my friend before my own. And in the end, we both were left hurt. The relationship didn’t last, but the pain did and I was left without a friend I truly valued and cherished. It was also around that time I started struggling with mental health issues and I found it difficult to cope. I was moody, withdrawn sometimes and sometimes too clingy. One moment I was breaking up with him and then returning back and trying to mend things soon after. My erratic behaviour probably took a toll on him and our relationship and he eventually broke up. Towards the end he was harsh and cold and I had difficulty accepting his behaviour. I was so mad at him that I wanted revenge. I wanted to cause him as much pain as I was feeling and so I called up his parents, who were quite orthodox, and told them very unkindly everything their son was doing behind their back, including dating a girl from another community (yup, that’s me)!

Lesson No. 4: Never involve family

My ex upset me, his family didn’t. What happened between me and my ex was our business and I should have handled it like an adult. I wanted to get back at him and in the process I hurt people who didn’t need to be hurt. Looking back, I feel that if someone did to my parents what I did to his, I would boil them in hot oil.

I also realise now what I did truly was wicked. It not only DID NOT get me the desired outcome, it further made me bitter and hateful. I felt let down and was hurting and so I wanted to hurt him. What I understood with time (and it really took me a long time) is that revenge isn’t helpful. LETTING GO IS! It’s only by letting go can you actually start to heal.

My last relationship was with a guy who was a couple of years younger than me. I don’t even know why I got into that relationship. It was probably because I was lonely and liked the idea of having someone in my life. While the relationship lasted for 3 years, with us being on and off till he got married to someone else (apparently owing to family pressure), it wasn’t a healthy relationship. During the course of the relationship, I persuaded myself into believing that this is definitely “love” and so I went out of my way to do things for him. I also supported him financially at times because he was yet to find a job. Now in hindsight I understand how lazy he was to find a job and may be somewhere he started believing that he could always count on me for financial support. When we went out on dates, he never offered to split the bill, not even once; he borrowed money from me on several occasions and I was so blinded by my emotions and so afraid of ending up alone, that I over-looked the financial and emotional abuse.

Lesson No. 5: Don’t settle for a relationship only because you don’t want to be lonely

The one thing that I believe more than ever now is that it’s most important to love yourself. Do not seek your happiness in someone else. It never works. You are the master/mistress of your own happiness and it’s crucial to put yourself over others. Sometimes we settle for relationships because we convince ourselves that we can’t walk away from it for X, Y, Z reasons. These reasons can include anything from insecurity, to the fear of ending up alone, to habit, to having children, to a sense of responsibility etc. etc. But being in a relationship where you feel unfulfilled or despondent or not respected, you are doing yourself a disservice by continuing to be in it. I’ve learnt that the hard way.

For me, I probably like the idea of “being in love” rather than actually being in love. Does that make sense? Let me try to explain. It’s like I want to be in a relationship but from a distance. I don’t want to be with someone 24/7. I don’t want the tag of “husband and wife”. I don’t want to live with someone day in-day out. I want a companion whom I can meet (may be) a couple of times a week, chat with him over phone/text a couple of times a day but have my own space-more often than not-when I return home.

And honestly I’ve realised I’m bull s#!t at relationships. Relationships need patience, understanding, adjustments and a lot of hard work-areas which aren’t really my strength. I expect too much in my romantic relationships and feel exceedingly disappointed and/or reactive when things don’t go my way.

Over the years, I’ve learnt a lot about myself and life through my relationships. And while I may preach to find happiness within oneself than look for it externally, I know from experience that it’s easier said than done. I still struggle-I struggle to be kinder to myself, I struggle to value my self respect and walk away, I struggle to love myself and look for happiness within me. But after years of unsuccessful relationships, I have realised how important it is to first learn to love oneself and enjoy one’s company. I know this may seem like the tale of “sour grapes” to some reading this article but now all I want is invest on my own self. We have this one life and we truly owe it ourselves to make it meaningful. Some may find meaning in relationships while others in solitude and there’s nothing right or wrong about it. In the end, one should do whatever makes one happy as long as it doesn’t cause harm to anyone else!