The 5 Worst ‘Anti-Cannabis’ Types
Tags: Life Lessons, Cannabis Journalism, Rant, Marijuana, Crime

The definitive list.

Hi, and welcome to my Ted Talk about the 5 most common, endlessly annoying types of people that, for some (illogical) reason or other, hate cannabis. Yes, the plant that grows on this Earth of its own accord. Yes, the one that makes you giggle. Yes, the one that makes you hungry. Yes, the one that makes you notice Chandler is missing the tip of his middle finger when you’re re-watching Friends. It really is a magical plant.

These are the guys that have seemingly followed you around your whole life, they hate weed, the people who smoke it, and they want you to know that, whether you like it or not. Ladies and gents, and everything in between, here are the 5 most common, infuriating, anti-cannabis types.

The ‘I’m Totally Against Drugs Apart From Smoking And Drinking’ Type

We’ve all had this, we’ve all seen it, it’s the plague of modern society, they’re the worst humans to walk the Earth since the nazis. You’re out for your Christmas work’s meal and they’ve stuck you next to Sandra, the middle-aged mother of three that makes sure to log if you’re 14 seconds late off lunch. Somehow, you get onto the topic of weed. Sandra turns her head like that girl from the exorcist, inhaling through her nose, ready to get her Sandra on. ‘Marijuinaaa?’ she bellows, taking a greedy glug of red and wrinkling her nose. ‘I didn’t peg y-you assss a smoker. I could never do it. Haven’t tried drugs once and blimey, I’m 45, no use starting now.’ You valiantly try to point out that she’s been swallowing a drug at an alarming rate the entire evening, but she’s having none of it. ‘Can’t stand people that do drugs. That’s just me. I’m not telling you how to live your life, but I can’t and I won’t.’ She says, getting more and more aggressive, her eyes opening and closing like the cheshire cat. You meekly put forward the fact that alcohol related deaths number in the hundreds of thousands and that no-one has died from weed yet. She accidentally burps in your face and goes outside to suck a cancer stick.

‘I tried a marijuana once, but as soon as I realised it was a drug, I spat it out. Right there and then.’

2. The ‘Its Illegal. Illegal. You’re a criminal AND THAT’S ILLEGAL’ Type

You know who I’m talking about, dammit. And if you’re like me you’ll feel a bit sorry for them too. Sofia grew up surrounded by an angelic family, that didn’t litter, didn’t curse, and adhered to the word of a man that lives in the clouds and has a long white beard and sends his son down to earth for some reason. Sofia was taught right and wrong from a young age, which in theory should be commendable — but right and wrong as dictated by a) bearded sky-dude b) government policy that rarely puts the interest of its citizens first. Sofia has been raised to believe the world is a candy-filled wonderland where the law (good guys) is made up of the best people and the criminals (bad guys) is made up of the worst, and there is no GRAY AREA WHATSOEVER WEED IS BAD THE MAN IN BLUE SAID SO. So when the good guys send an 18 year to jail for 20 years for having $60 of weed on him, they cheer, feel a little safer, and reminisce fondly on the fact that they have never tried Hitler’s Lettuce.

Finally a South Park character overbearing parents can get behind.

3. The ‘All Stoners Are Lazy’ Type

You’ve got a friend you’ve known since pre-school, and you meet him every year or so to catch up. Cam was the sensible one in school, and more power to him — but he was consistently judgmental when the subject of the Devil’s Pot came up. He watched in disgust as you rolled up L’s, tutted conspicuously as you loaded up bongs, and appeared disgusted as you called up a dealer asking for some Amnesia, as if you were asking if he could score some brown. Over coffee, he says ‘I’ve no problem with weed itself. It’s a plant, dude.’ You nod along as if that is the first time you’ve heard such an illuminating thought. ‘It’s what it does to people. Look at Jason, man, wasting his life away.’ You concede the fact that Jason is indeed a waster — but he was a waster before weed, you point out. You also mention that he convenien- deliberately forgot about the myriad successful friends they both share that smoke weed regularly. You don’t mention that he conveniently forgot about: Seth Rogen, Oliver Stone, Snoop Dogg, Bryan Cranston, Nate Diaz, Rihanna, Matt Damon, Martha Stewart, Lady Gaga, Jon Stewart, Oprah, Dave Chappelle, Wiz Khalifa, Willie Nelson… who have all been known to partake in a puff of the wacky-baccy, among countless others.

Cam likes working at 7/11 because it’s easy to jack six-packs of beer before his shift ends.

Imagine how successful Seth Rogen could be if he got off his couch and actually did something.

4. The ‘Cannabis Smokers Are Trouble’ Type

Honestly, probably the worst Anti-Cannabis Archetype, which is saying something. This is mainly due to the fact that cannabis stigma, for a lot of people, comes from a root mistrust of people of colour. For many jaw-dragging neanderthals, marijuana is inextricably linked to a bullshit trifecta: gangs, violence, and brown people. Even though the use of marijuana is consistent across most races, black people are statistically*much* more likely to be arrested and charged with possession. So when people harp on about how the war on drugs is necessary and even gets a little teary eyed with pride when they see a swat team pulling bags of weed and children from a squalid property in an impoverished ghetto, what they’re really saying is a lot more sinister. So, next time you meet this type, tell them to shut the fuck up. You have my permission, my blessing.

Having a rare day where you don’t feel depressed by the state of the world and the people that run it? I’ve got just the thing!

5. The ‘It’s Bad For You’ Type

Coffee is bad for you. Sugar is bad for you. The sun is bad for you. Meat is bad for you. Too much sitting is bad for you. Not exercising is bad for you. Phone use is bad for you. Smoking is bad for you. Drinking is bad for you. Breaking bones is bad for you. Watching porn is bad for you. Not communicating is bad for you. Stress is bad for you. Social isolation is bad for you. Pollution is bad for you. Lions are bad for you. Death is bad for you.

Some lions, anyway.

News flash, anti-cannabis cavemen — nearly everything is bad for you depending on how much you do it. Too much marijuana use, as with anything, can be bad. But so is that 8th doughnut you just scoffed down, buddy. So is that 10th drink you just lashed before smashing your head into the wall. Tell you what’s not bad — proven medicinal properties. Treatments for epilepsy. Treatments for ADD that don’t involve shoving 14 pills down your throat before breakfast. Treatments for anxiety where you don’t even have to get high, just dab a bit of spray in your mouth at breakfast. And a million other benefits we’re only now starting to discover because people are starting to get their shit together, and think maybe this plant that grows OUT OF THE GODDAM SOIL AND HAS BEEN USED MEDICINALLY FOR MILLENNIA ain’t so bad after all.

The beautiful thing about all these types? They’re dwindling, becoming dinosaurs. Relics of a bygone age. The alarmist, baseless era of cannabis denial is shuddering to a halt. So, the next time you meet one of these guys — next time you debate a Cam, or roll your eyes at a Sofia — cherish the moment, and unload your cannabis-fuelled logic beam directly onto them, while you stay can. ‘Cause they’re not going to be around much longer.