Second Acts
By: Leslie Abner
Tags: Parenting, Marriage, Women, Careers, Divorce

Recently I had an outdoor dinner on a chilly night in Manhattan with my nineteen year old daughter and two of my successful female friends. Bundled in winter coats, we warmed our hands by the heaters above us and I sat quietly for a moment observing the conversation across the table. The admiration I have for these women and the appreciation I have for them acting as role models for my daughters, gives me faith that my girls will fulfill the career goals I set out to accomplish but haven’t…. yet.

Having three daughters has fueled my interest in women supporting one another rather than creating competition. What makes me view myself as a feminist is the fact that when I see women achieving great things my chest puffs. To me, feminism is having pride in other women’s achievements and understanding that those accomplishments pave the path for my daughters. My girls don’t make decisions thinking there are limits to what they can achieve, but as I look back on my own life, I can’t say the same. Perhaps this was only my perception, but my inner voice whispered mixed messages. Yes, I had a career, but not too much of a career because somewhere during my only romantic relationship, it was instilled in me that pursuing a career would sacrifice the needs of my family for a “selfish” endeavor. Many women have created a balanced life, but I never found that harmony. I searched for it, yearned for it, dreamed about it, and wondered why I couldn’t figure it out. My role as a parent has always been my priority, but I was alone in that role, which explains the swift bump to my career and passions. I’ve realized that pursuing my purpose is vital to my happiness and while we all need purpose, it’s defined by each of us individually. For some, staying home and raising children completes that purpose, but for me there was always something missing.

As my marriage frayed, I searched for answers about many things in my life, including my inability to manage a career while parenting. After much contemplation,(that’s code for therapy) it became apparent that the dynamics of my marriage made it impossible for me to be a “good” parent and wife while building a career. When working, I was criticized for not being an attentive mother, shirking my responsibilities to the family, yet when home with the kids I was ridiculed for not understanding what it was like to work hard, thus I was labeled spoiled. It messed me up. It did. For many years I’ve struggled with feeling unfulfilled, partly because I could not find a way to find purpose as an individual while raising my three daughters, but I do believe it is never too late to pursue dreams.

Throughout the years I’ve observed families with a beautiful partnership. A true balance. When you fall short I will step in. Where you excel I will step back and let you shine. When you lack the strength I will be your rock. I did what I needed to do to keep my family together but it was at the expense of being the role model I hoped to be for my daughters. Why do we feel that we have to give up so much of ourselves to be seen as a good mother? I know I’m not alone in feeling this. For me it was the lack of a partnership in my marriage. Slowly, I began breaking out of the marital expectations and as my children grew, so did my aspirations. I watched from the sidelines as many of my friends built their careers and family’s simultaneously, but somewhere in my heart I knew my growth would injure my marriage. I eeked my way slowly towards my dreams and while there were many other more serious factors which led to the demise of my marriage, one of the factors was certainly choosing to parent my daughters in a way I never had. I was finally demonstrating that stepping forward for yourself is just as important as giving to others.

Accomplished women can be threatening to some men, and sadly, they feel smaller as their significant other rises to their full potential. But there are also men that relish in the success of the women in their life. Look at RBG. Martin Ginsburg pushed his wife into the arena and championed her career. Educating my daughters to recognize their own needs, wants, dreams and desires has risen to a top priority. I guide them to find passions that make them feel smart, capable and accomplished. I believe that working outside the home provides purpose and meaning as an individual and can come in the form of volunteer work, consulting, or even a small passion project. Yes, having children and raising them is one of the most selfless and meaningful endeavors, and it’s a massive part of my identity, but perhaps to a fault. My stunted personal growth was something that gnawed at me. I now understand that the career I desired was not possible given the dynamics of my marriage. Today,I’m working towards a second act and although my novel has been untouched for the past year, my blog inches me towards my dream of becoming a published author. I finally have the bandwidth and brainpower to apply towards something other than legal meetings and responding to endless motions in a courtroom. The attacks have ceased and things are starting to align. I publish my blog every Tuesday, consult as an interior designer, and feel as though I’m making smart decisions that serve my self growth unlike my past. I will continue on my path to fulfill my own purpose, but if nothing else, I have modeled for my daughters that fulfilling oneself is equally, if not more important than filling others.