UNDER MY SKIN
By: Blessing Njodzi
Tags: Relationships, Epilepsy, Seizures, Friends, Jesus

Photo by Wayne Kapesi.

Everything went dark for a second. Then the room started spinning and all I saw were prisms upon prisms of the room rotating upon itself. My legs shook and rattled as if a wind breeze had blown on dry leaves in autumn. The more I resisted, the more I felt myself sink into the ground I stood upon. Nothing to grab onto could I see and so I gave in and fell as gravity saw fit. My back hit against the cupboard and I felt a sharp sting of pain. My hand, by reflex, rose above me trying to find the handle. Luckily, it did and it held on for dear life and I slid down to the floor with my back against that cupboard. As soon as my buttocks hit the ground, my eyes shut and I saw a black unending space in front of me. I felt my body shriek and convulsion seized it from head to toe. My mouth felt warm and fizzy as if a coke bottle had been shaken and opened into my mouth. Then 4 of my basic senses died and the hallucinations started. In this episode I was locked hands with a stranger and we wrestled whilst standing on an oily surface. Our bodies too were laced in oil which had a familiar smell, one of virgin olive oil. He looked straight into my eyes, grinned and drove his head into my chest. Upon impact, I dove into another episode. This time I was sitting at a table drinking tea with a giant rabbit with a tall hat on and a girl on the other side. It appeared somehow to be a remake of Alice in Wonderland. So not to be a rude guest, I sipped on the tea. It tasted of strawberries and apples.

“Tasty,” the Rabbit said.

“Yes, sure is,” I replied.

“GOOD.” “Now, SINK!”

Next, I felt myself screaming for dear life. The ground felt like quicksand and I was being drawn in. “No, no!” I kept screaming. In response the Rabbit took off his hat and put it over me.

Suddenly I woke up and my roommate was over me.

“You had another episode,” she said.

“I am scared Chipo, do you think I’m possessed, spirits from my village people?”

“I don’t know,” Chipo replied with a confused look.

I tried to wonder what was going through her mind. She was religious, or spiritual, I really didn’t know how to put it. I had heard her praying once in some language I didn’t understand. I tried to ask her on the matter and all she said that they were called tongues and that I would never understand. On the other hand, my father was a man who believed in nature, that it had spirits and that plants were portions, and the like. My mother was a Catholic and up to this day, I still wondered how the two had gotten together. For fear of judgement, I had talked to my dad about my previous seizure episode, as this was the third one. He had given me small parts of dried animal organs in a small sack. I wore it around my neck but to cover it, I used to place it in a tiny silver box which was also attached to my necklace. But clearly, they weren’t working.

“I don’t even know what to say. Aaah…” Chipo stammered.

“Not even closure, what should I do? Maybe you could pray for me?” I asked her. At this point I was desperate and up for anything.

“Whaa-t do you mean? That’s for a minister to do, not me. I don’t think I can do that.” She was now shy and uncomfortable.

“Ooh, aah, could you find one for me?”

“Uuum, me? Why me? What should I even say to the minister?”

“I don’t know, I have a roommate who has seizures and she needs prayers.”

“You think it’s that easy. You have to know Jesus first.”

“Please, don’t start with that.” I frowned. “I already told you I’m not interested. You know what, forget it. I will figure something out.”

“Oooh, I’m soorrrry, I didn’t mea..” I stopped her in her tracks.

“Please, just stop. This is the 100th time you have tried, why don’t you get it? Not everyone wants to hear that. I should even change my roommate for God’s sake.”

She just stood there, shy and blushing. This wasn’t the first time nor the last, I thought. I was tired of hearing the same story about how I should accept Jesus in my life.

I tried to stand but I felt a bit dizzy.

She reached out her hand and said, “Let me.”

“No, thanks. I will be fine.” I showed repulsion as I ought to.

She, in response, took a few steps back, expressed sorrow and walked away, looking back at me, expecting me to change my mind or something. But I was not going to, period.

I sat for the next ten minutes until I felt I could try again. This time, I got up though my feet were a bit numb. I held on to the handle my hand had been on as I was falling. I made my way to the sink, grabbed a glass and poured some water in. I drank 3 full glasses and felt better.

‘So what now?,’ I thought. I was confused. So, I took my phone in my hand and punched in the number I always did when I was stuck, my boyfriend’s. He was supportive at times but just to note, I had never told him about the episodes. I guess today I had to, and after all, he was a doctor. I was just afraid of the stigma because he was also a Christian, a Pentecostal, to be specific and I somehow thought he would think I’m possessed and leave me. But I put more trust in his love than his beliefs at this point and hoped he would be understanding.

“Hello dear,” he started.

“Hey love, how are you?”

“I am okay, work work. What’s up, I’m about to have a patient in 5.”

I hesitated, “Umm, nothing that important babe. It can wait.”

“Are you sure?” he retorted. I was quite sure he was asking this for formality. He always put work before me and if I were to start talking about what really was bothering me, he would say something like, “Please babe, I’m busy. I will call you when I am free.” And of which, he did half the time. But I thought to try.

“Well, it is kinda important. Today, I kinda had an epi..” He cut me halfway.

“Please babe, you know I’m busy at this time. I will definitely call you when I am done. I promise. Okay?”

“Okay,” I replied.

Then the line went quiet and a flat, continuous tone was the only thing I could hear.

“Fuck!” I threw the phone down and it landed on its back and bounced. I had bought a rubbery, super-shock absorber cover because of days like these. He never takes me seriously, just work, work. This is really starting to get on my nerves and I’m at my maximum.

At this point, Blessing came to my mind. He was my best friend who my boyfriend had said I should stop talking to as much as I used to before him. I did at first but ever since he started putting work over me on a constant basis, I secretly started to talk to him more because he was always willing to listen, understanding and on some days, I regretted turning him down years ago.

I picked up my phone, went to my contacts, typed up Blessing, there was even a heart next to his name. It rang and rang and rang. No one picked. I decided to try a second time and he picked it up the minute it started ringing.

“When you call twice it’s usually important. You good?”

“Well, I’m not.” I started to cry. I literally broke down and couldn’t get anything out of my mouth.

“Hey, hey, don’t cry. What’s up?”

I tried talking but I couldn’t. “Talk, please,” Blessing said.

“I-I-I..” I couldn’t say anything further.

“Are you home?”

“Ahaaah,” I replied with a sound.

“Okay, I am coming.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

Then he cut the call. 15 minutes later, there was a knock on my door. I went to the door and peeped through the hole. It was Blessing. I opened it and he just came in, hugging me immediately. I just wrapped myself around him and walked by his side, wound around him like an electric wire on a pole. He sat me down by the sofa. I told him what had happened and immediately he dialed up a number, a friend of his, apparently, who was a neurologist.

“He agreed to meet in an hour. He’s a good friend from high school and he owes me a favour.”

“Thanks.” And I kissed him on the cheek and hugged him more. He put his hand around me and I felt safe and loved, something I got not so often from my boyfriend since it was mostly work and I’m tired after work and the like. I was a student with tonnes of work to study but I made time for him though he never appreciated that.

“I’m starving though,” Blessing remarked.

“I cooked some chicken stew yesterday. Check in the fridge, just needs a little warming. And there is bread in the bread bin, I know you love bread more than your life.” I laughed out loud. He followed suit.

So, he removed his arm and went to make himself a meal.

“How did you get off of work. Your boss is quite strict.”

“I told him it was a family emergency.”

I smiled, my heart leaped then I remembered the verse my mom always told me, ‘One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.’