How Contempt Kills Relationships
By: Laura Silverstein
Tags: Communication, Relationships Love Dating, Relationships, Relationship Advice, Toxic Relationships

What is Contempt?

You may have heard the statistic that contempt is the number 1 predictor of divorce (Gottman). This statistic is accurate, but it’s important to slow down and understand what this means and how it relates to you.

The basic notion of contempt is: “I’m better than you and you are lesser than me.” World-renown emotion expert, Dr. Paul Ekman

Contempt is the face you make when you smell the milk to see whether it has gone bad…and it has.

Relationships don’t usually start out contemptuous. They escalate from situational fights, to progressively more criticism, defensiveness, resentment and judgement.

Even couples who love one another deeply can find themselves feeling desperate. As things spiral out of control, they end up putting their partners down while propping themselves up, as if to say,

“I’m the one that’s okay; you are not okay”

These kinds of fights are not easily repaired. Both partners walk away feeling hurt to the core. Time passes and life moves on, but the next time there is a disagreement, the contempt comes viciously out of hibernation.

What to Do if there is Contempt in Your Relationship

It might be frightening to even think about this because most of the advice you see online and hear from your friends would probably be to,

“Kick ‘em to the curb, you don’t have to put up with that. You can do better!”

Of course leaving your relationship is a serious and highly personal decision that is 100% up to you. If you need support getting out of a toxic relationship, I recommend you reach out to those who can help you do that. Some questions to think about in making this assessment are:

Is contempt expressed during an argument, or out of the blue when you’re having fun together?

Do you truly believe that your partner thinks they are superior to you? Do you feel fundamentally respected?

Do you feel you are superior to your partner? If so, is this a constant feeling, or a fleeting thought when they say something dumb?

If you want to stay together, or you’re not sure yet, there are things you can do to make things better.

Another Quick Word About the Research

The crucial thing to understand about the divorce prediction research is that those statistics were measured without intervention. Most scientific studies start with observation. Not only do we know what leads to divorce from this study, we also know what leads to relationship happiness.

What this means is that contempt doesn’t have to lead to divorce in couples who recognize the problem and try to re-route the ship.

Just like any relationship problem, contempt does not occur in a vacuum. It requires both of you working together even though you play different roles in the cycle.

There are 3 concrete steps you can take to try to turn things around.

1. Talk about what you need clearly and respectfully

Contempt is the result of escalation. Resentment is built when we say yes to something to avoid conflict, or stay silent about something that is important to us. By talking about differences of opinion while they are still small and manageable, you’ll be much more likely to manage conflict more productively.

2. Stop rewriting the past

Through the course of your relationship I imagine you’ve had both joys and sorrows. When a relationship is struggling, couples sometimes put a negative spin on the good times and hold on tightly to the hurt. This is causing you unnecessary suffering and robbing you from pleasant memories.

3. Practice deep, authentic gratitude

John Gottman lists Fondness and Admiration as one of the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It is the foundation of a strong romantic partnership to feel liked, respected, and appreciated. It’s not enough just to say, “Thanks for emptying the dishwasher.” What leads to genuine relationship happiness is to feel gratitude on a fundamental level.

“I am lucky to have this person in my life.”

While it is true that contempt kills relationships, it is also true that hard work and tenderness revive them!