I Was Emotionally and Financially Abused Without Realizing It
Tags: Women, Relationships, Psychology, Abuse, Mental Health

Controlling — Art by Fala

I knew that my ex husband of 10 years wasn’t nice to me. However, I had no idea he was emotionally and financially abusing me. Until I watched some videos about it and my therapist pointed it out to me. I was in shock of how could I not know I was abused for 10 freaking years!

He never yelled or swore at me. The abuse was very covert. He kept telling me that I was neurotic because I asked to be treated nicely. I started to believe him. I thought maybe I was the problem and I needed to be better.

I kept on trying then I became severely depressed. That was when I eventually saw a therapist. My ex only agreed to me seeing a therapist after I couldn’t get out of bed and cried all the time.

My therapist interacted with my ex a few times. She confirmed that I wasn’t the problem and I wasn’t neurotic. I did, however, respond to his mistreatment by being codependent.

He was in control of the money. He didn’t want me to work because he was afraid that other guys would be attracted to me. I wanted to make him happy, so I stayed home. He made a five-figure income a month but I couldn’t even buy deodorant or shampoo unless he was okay with that.

He put on a facade in front of other people. I was so confused why he had the capacity to be nice to other people, even strangers, but not to me. He was only nice to me at the beginning of our relationship. I spent the rest of our relationship trying to figure out how to make him be that way again.

He has no empathy. Everything was about him. He was indifferent when I was sad or needed some support. I taught him how to be more empathetic and he sometimes showed fake empathy. Lesson learned. If I have to teach someone empathy, that means they don’t have it.

He was very stingy with compliments yet easy to criticize me. He said things like how I didn’t look like a model, so I didn’t deserve to be treated nicely. He instead complimented other women right in front of me. Interestingly enough, some random men approached him from time to time and told him how lucky he was to be with me. After they left, he was angry that they said that.

I wasn’t allowed to have negative feelings. Even when I got sunburned all over my body. I was sad and in pain but he said I was too emotional. I used to cry in the shower because he got mad when I cried in front of him. He expected me to be happy all the time yet he was grumpy all the time.

He barely gave me affection, either physically or verbally. He gave me what I would call breadcrumbs of affection. Man, I was starving! He only said he loved me when he wanted something from me. When I tried to give him affection, he despised it the majority of the time.

Sex was just about him. Even my pleasure was just a tool to boost his ego. He didn’t actually care about what I like. I was just there to make him feel like a man.

Many times it was like talking to a wall. He didn’t look at me and instead looked at something else. A lot of the time, he completely ignored me. He was very dismissive. I felt like I was invisible to him.

He controlled how I look. He said that he hated makeup but found other women with makeup attractive. I would say that 95% of the time, I don’t wear anything on my face. He berated me when I felt like putting on eyebrows and lipstick. He said I was so insecure and looking for attention.

He crushed my interest. People have complimented my drawings. I spent hours making a drawing of him as a birthday present. He said he didn’t like it. He also said that drawing was stupid.

He was passive-aggressive. He said mean stuff to me and when I became upset, he said it was a joke. Nope! Not funny at all, only painful.

He had to always be right. I mean always! He thought he was the smartest man on earth, so my opinions weren’t even worth listening to. He was so argumentative with me but he was more like a wuss in front of other people.

He gaslighted me. He did his own diagnosis of me. Then he told me and other people that I was neurotic. It seems like he is very scared of self-reflect, so he blamed me for everything.

He always thought that the grass is greener on the other side. He kept comparing me to other women and told me how they were better than me. He was also trying to get with other women. I wouldn’t be surprised if he cheated on me. He cheated on his ex before. He always had a dream to have sex with hundreds of women. Talk about sexually insecure! There was no way I was going to sit around and watch.

We went back and forth about getting a divorce. A lot of people didn’t see it coming when I finally filed for the divorce. They said we were like those perfect couples on Instagram. We had beautiful pictures from all around the world. I didn’t share what was really going on inside our marriage. Rather, I made him look like the best thing ever happened to me. Everyone thought I was living a dream but it was actually a nightmare. I was afraid of facing the reality of our marriage, so I hid in my fantasy.

I gave my all and even left my country to be with him. I really did love him and wanted the relationship to work. Leaving him was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my entire life. I was severely depressed, unemployed, all alone, and it was during the pandemic. His abuse has shattered me to my core. I couldn’t take it anymore. As painful as it is, I’m glad I ended it. It may take a lifetime to heal but I’m working on self-love. Therapy helps too.

The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal. — Astrid Alauda

It wasn’t entirely his fault. I chose to be with him and endured the pain for years. I was finally able to see his true self, especially after I left him. I moved out of the house without much stuff. When I came back to get my clothes, shoes, purses, and cosmetics, he didn’t let me get them. A month later, he eventually gave me most of my stuff. However, until today he still has some of it. When he made a big deal of me putting on lipstick, maybe he was jealous because secretly he wished he could freely wear lipstick. It could be that he was just too scared to admit it.