Advent 2020: One Foot In Front of the Other
By: Jay Butler
Tags: Christianity, LGBTQ, Christmas

Greetings! It’s been a while since I’ve written to y’all. A lot has happened in my life since I last wrote a post in June. I’m currently writing from my parents’ home in metro Atlanta. I moved from my previous place in North Carolina in July. I’m also working from home with my job for Apple. If it sounds like it’s not exciting, your intuition is correct. It feels like I’ve been sitting in idle for the past nine months.

Coincidentally, this is about how long the pandemic has been going on. Since life has been so drastically different for me this year, normal rhythms that I cling to have fallen by the wayside. Easter Sunday was celebrated by watching my friend’s sermon online. Pride was observed indoors and alone by watching some movies and reading some books about the LGBTQ rights movement. My birthday was spent at an outdoor comedy show that socially distanced to the max. Thanksgiving was celebrated with just my family, and not the multi-generational extravaganza that it usually is. That leads us to today.

These past few weeks have ratcheted up my anxiety and depression. First, this time of the year always put me in a down mood. The lack of sunlight, the previous years of church stress around Christmas, and past years of not being around family during this time puts a damper on my spirits. Second, it always seems like I have a change of employment around this time of year. The three job changes that I’ve experienced in my life have come during the month of November. Also, COVID restrictions have stifled me and this entire country(and with good reason!) from enjoying any semblance of Christmas fun. Finally, my family is going through an incredibly hard time because my mother is going through major medical issues right now. To simply put it, I am spent.

Pretty much my theme song for the Christmas season this year

There’s a reason why I haven’t written on here in seven months. It’s not that I haven’t had the time. It’s because I have been sitting in a neutral depressed state for months. For months, my sadness wakes up 20 minutes after I do, and stays with me throughout the day. It feels like I’ve been in limbo, with nothing to look forward to for months. Waiting for some break to come my way. Waiting for something to make me smile. Waiting for good news that’s been promised for so long. It makes perfect sense that this feeling is taking place around Advent.

Advent, if you’re unsure of what that is, is the time on the Christian calendar that precedes Christmas. It starts usually right after Thanksgiving, and takes place during the four Sundays before Christmas Day. This year it started on November 29. The Advent season is defined by waiting, specifically waiting for Jesus to be born, and for prophecies of Jesus to be fulfilled. This sentiment is best explained in the classic Advent carol, “O Come, O Come, Immanuel”:

O come, O come, Immanuel, and ransom captive Israel that mourns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appear. Rejoice! Rejoice! Immanuel shall come to you, O Israel.

The singer is telling the nation of Israel, a group of people that have longed for someone to save them from captivity, to wait. Most people don’t like to wait for two-day Amazon Prime shipping! Asking someone to wait can be cruel and aggravating, especially for the Israelites. During this time, Israel is suffering under Roman rule. They’re living in a land that is not their own anymore. We have been laying in wait as well. We are waiting for a vaccine. We must wait to see our families. We must wait for some semblance of normal to return. Ironically enough, the one the Israelites are waiting for is the same one that I’m looking to save me as well. However, knowing where your help comes from and feeling that help are two completely different things.

In case you didn’t know….this is what Israel was waiting for…but with actual people.

In Psalm 121, the author has written a Psalm of Ascent. The author is saying that they wait in anticipation and inevitability that God will come and save them. The author writes:

I lift up my eyes to the hills — from where will my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade at your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in, from this time on forevermore time time on and forevermore.

Hope is what defines the Psalms of Ascent. Hope is what you cling to when you don’t want to hold onto anything present in your life. Hope is the light you see when you’re trapped under a mountain of pain and fear. It’s what I haven’t had for a very long time. I know where my hope comes from. I know where my joy comes from. So why don’t I feel it, and why aren’t they here?

I get reminded of a quote during these times of aching and numbness. Theologian and founder of the Methodist movement John Wesley struggled with his faith numerous times. During one of these times, his friend, Peter Bohler told him:

Preach faith till you have it; and then, because you have it, you will preach faith.

It sounds a little cyclical and simplistic, but it’s true. If I lose one of my possessions around the house, I still own it. I just can’t find it at the time. I have to believe that I will eventually find it. Might be a day, a week, or a year later, but I’ll find it. That is my faith. I know I have it, it’s just lying a little dormant right now.

Christmastime is a mixed bag for me. In a normal year, it would promise a chance to see friends, relive old traditions, and revel in the completion of the calendar year. However this year, for me, to paraphrase the great Andy Williams: “It’s the most stressful time of the year!”

I wish there was a switch I could flip on to make me feel better. Life doesn’t give us that option. Millions of others feel the same way, too. So what do we do during this time of Advent? We wait. We hope. We put one foot in front of the other. Blessed Advent to you and yours.