Getting Rid of the Nipple Guard
By: Mom In Black Leggings
Tags: Moms, Breastfeeding, Newborn, Maternity Leave

A triumphant battle over nipple guard addiction.

She makes it look so easy!

I finally broke up with the nipple guard — for real this time. It was painful. I had to exert both mental and physical strength to overcome my habit. It was a long break up. Months went by when I knew I shouldn’t see her, I shouldn’t think about her, I shouldn’t *gulp* USE her but there she was, batting her lashes at me from the side table as I desperately tried to feed a fussy, angry child who had also fallen prey to her seductive spell.

First Shitty Titty (the left and problematic nipple) gets a rough go with mastitis and can’t nurse for two months, leaving the right tit so scared of losing steam that we are forced to rely on the nipple guard. Now the thought of a real-life nipple-to-mouth sends Ava (and Shitty Titty) into a red-faced squealing mess. Those squeals…I’m shocked the windows are still in tact.

One who has not dealt with this issue might ask, Why not just keep using the nipple guard? First of all, I never have a nipple guard around when Ava is shriek-crying in my face while an inner voice whispers low, if you’d planned ahead you wouldn’t be starving your baby. When I finally get a nipple guard in hand it’s never clean from the last feeding. Now I have to run, baby screaming in one arm while hopelessly squeezing a soap bottle in the other, then turning on a faucet, and squishing it until I dub it clean. In the end I merely hope the nipple guard is clean and I’m not forcing Ava to drink soapy milk. This eight time a day clown show could be avoided if I could just throw Ava on my boob. Show runs every 2.5 hours.

Stay and see the real horror scene acted out while I attempt nipple guard application in public. The nipple guard without fail will wind up on a mouse-ridden floor of a restaurant. These public attempts result in handing a miserable newborn to an unsuspecting and usually childless friend, running to the bathroom to clean the damn thing before it touches my baby’s mouth and then my breast, all while one boob (posed for nursing) is flailing for all to see beneath a nursing apron. Once seated again, I try to “snap” on the nipple guard that NEVER sticks to my breast then shove a sobbing infant onto my boob while covering the flailing tit with my “free hand” under the apron. This could result in a repeat process if the little one knocks it off with her little thrashing mouth.

Germs are good for kids, one might (foolishly) say. Dip it in water and call it good. Sure, totally agree, Shitty Titty on the other hand would disagree because she’s more worried about the bacteria getting through the cracks in my nipples and causing a second massive infection.

Finally, nipple guards are notorious for long-ass feedings. Feedings can take up to 45 minutes a pop with a nipple guard, resulting in unnecessary hours of the day hunched over an infant scrolling through shows on Netflix.

No, the nipple guard had to go. I busted out my mental leather strap and waited as Ava, exhausted and starving, finally accepted each boob without her beloved nipple guard in tow. It was grueling, I wore ear plugs. Each feeding took a half hour longer than it should, but a week later we are free. FREE. I can’t tell you how rewarding it is to know overcoming this hurdle is possible and I didn’t have to quit breastfeeding all together (which believe me, was considered).

Who wants to hang out? I now 1) nurse in public 2) added 2 hours to my day 3) won’t make you hold my child while I fumble tits-out at a restaurant for another nipple guard in my diaper bag… what a time to be alive!