If you can buy a value meal, you can buy new condoms
By: Shamontiel L. Vaughn
Tags: Dating, Condoms, Sex, Promiscuity, Safe Sex

If you can buy a value meal, you can buy new condoms

Unofficial sex-ed course: Let’s settle these condom myths here and now

Photo credit: Reproductive Health Supplies Coalition/Unsplash

As a self-admitted tree hugger (salute to Earth & Me) and a reluctant blocker of coronavirus babies, I fully understand eco-friendly people who are trying to practice safe sex. Sustainably sourced latex? Do you. Vegan condoms? OK, fine. But who in their right mind keeps buying and selling used condoms? And who is giving them to these sellers?

CNN reports that Vietnam police recently confiscated approximately 345,000 used condoms that had been cleaned and resold as new. The used prophylactics were boiled in water, then dried and reshaped on a wooden phallus, before being repackaged and resold.

Whose soul is so empty that they would take the time to sell these?

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention state in plain language: “Don’t reuse a condom.” While latex can be reused for quite a few things — rubber bands, balloons, shoe soles, gloves, catheters and stethoscopes — condoms just are not in this bunch. It’s not a plastic bag.

While it is easy to wag a finger at companies trying to trick us, it’s another for the CDC to have to tell people not to re-use condoms anyway. If you can afford a Filet o’ Fish meal, you can afford a 20-pack of condoms, cheapskate!

While we’re on the subject of condoms

CDC also warned users not to use cooking oil on condoms for fear it will break. When did sex have the same startup instructions as frying bacon? Baby oil, lotion and petroleum jelly are out, too, but why are these even up for questioning? If you are guilty of using any of the above, I hope you don’t wash your sheets in community laundry rooms. All of them must look like you clean fast food restaurant counters for fun.

Of course some CDC tips are legitimately overlooked and reasonable:

Do not store condoms in wallets due to heat and friction.

store condoms in wallets due to heat and friction. Do not use nonoxynol-9 (a spermicide), which can risk irritation.

use nonoxynol-9 (a spermicide), which can risk irritation. Do not use a condom after its expiration date. (If you’re not someone who is really active, this date can too easily creep up on you. Stick it on a Google calendar to remind yourself, if need be.)

use a condom after its expiration date. (If you’re not someone who is really active, this date can too easily creep up on you. Stick it on a Google calendar to remind yourself, if need be.) Do use latex or polyurethane condoms.

use latex or polyurethane condoms. Do use water-based or silicone-based lubricant to prevent breakage.

But then here comes another head scratcher: “Don’t use more than one condom at a time.” If your condoms are baggy enough that you can stack them on like a Jenga game, sir, you are way too confident. Buy your size to avoid breakage and friction. She’s already into you. Trust me, she’ll be fine with one condom fitting correctly on your third arm with the tipped hat. Don’t use a female condom with a male condom either; that’ll just create the same friction problems. And if the double-duty condoms are due to your concerns about her health, my gawd, this is the best time for you two to talk about the joys of platonic friendships. Yay, friend zone!

Although I certainly wish middle schools, high schools and colleges would do a better job of teaching kids safe sex methods, it’s not an overly complicated (or expensive) thing to use. If physical ed courses can teach blind-folded girls how to put one on a banana (my first lesson with how to use them), you should be able to do so, too.

Don’t bite or cut the tip with jewelry and/or long fingernails. Don’t use one that’s not FDA-approved and securely packaged. Pinch the tip, slide on and go for it. Throw away afterward (in a garbage can, not your weirdly greasy sheets). Eco-friendly folks will ditch toilets for the same reasons so many other things end up hurting marine life. When you’re all done, maybe finish that Netflix movie you only saw five minutes of beforehand. Be safe. Be responsible. Wash your hands — not your condoms.