How Normalized Regressive Ideas Commoditize Me as an Indian Woman
By: Ruchi Das
Tags: Patriarchy, India, Feminism, Inequality, Women

The idea of women as wealth

“Paraya Dhan”. The sheer weight the two words carry is too much for me to bear. The first word “Paraya” means alien. The second word “Dhan” means wealth. Together, they make up a word that means “Alien wealth” in English. I’ll use Google Translate to verify this for me.

Google Translate Screenshot by Author

If you think Google has offended you, then let this sink in. The semantics of the term “Paraya Dhan” spell “Wealth that belongs to someone else”. It means that as a woman, I am a piece of wealth in my family, which will be passed to my husband’s family post marriage.

This is a common reminder an Indian woman and her parents have to listen to countless times in their lives. And not in a bad way. People deliver it adorably, with tears in their eyes. It is a popular sentiment in pop-culture too. Many movies such as the one I’ve mentioned above endow it to create a “familial” vibe about them.

The respect-bearer of her entire family

The idea of women as wealth also means that the brunt of the entire family’s respect falls on a woman’s shoulders. In India, it is believed that the more respectable (read reserved) a woman’s demeanor in the family, the more respected her family. This idea stops me from wearing anything “too revealing” that might attract untoward eyes towards me. If it does, I will end up sabotaging my family’s invisible pride castle my ancestors took centuries to build.

An object to be passed to her husband’s family

The responsibility of womenfolk shouldering respect follows her around for her entire life in India. When a woman is married, a ritual called “Kanyaa Daan” is performed. The term “Kanya” means girl. The term “Daan” means giving away. Hence, “Kanya Daan” spells out the practice of giving away the bride. According to Google Translate, this is what it literally means (and I don’t disagree with the sentiment it spells out).

Google Translate Screenshot by Author

While the details vary from community to community, the central idea is that the bride’s family is supposed to give her away to the groom’s family. So the woman, who till now belonged to her father’s family, is dutifully handed over to the husband’s family after her “Kanya Daan”. This doesn’t give me much room to stay in-between the two places in life. I can hardly be an unmarried woman taking her time to figure out things in her life. Or a divorcee. My marriage is more of a responsibility for my parents to hand me over to my husband, rather than a celebration of my decision to spend my life with someone.

Also, this ritual needs to be performed by a male member of the family. Usually, the father is supposed to do it but in the event of the father’s death, the brother does it. In case the woman does not have a male child, the uncle in the family performs the “Kanya Daan”. In any case, women are not supposed to perform it.

This practice is one of the major reasons why male children are still preferred to female children in India. “If they don’t have a brother, who will perform the “Kanya Dann” at your daughter’s wedding? Who will give her away?” remarked one of my relatives to my mother, then a mother of two daughters.

A perfect-looking object strikes a better deal

This type of commoditizing has its ripple effect on the way a woman is perceived her entire life by society. The general preference of a groom for marriage in India is a “Tall, slim, fair-skinned” bride. Because the better the quality of the commodity, the better deal patriarchy on both the sides can strike, right?

I am a fair-skinned woman with a curvy body. I have a dollop of stubborn fat around my midriff I’ve been asked to lose. Not because I run the risk of becoming obese. But because men around me prefer thin, slim women. “If you’ll look fair and slim, you’ll get married to a good guy and live a happy life.” people all around me have tried to stave off on me ever since I was a child. But will I really be happy with someone who is willing to get married to me only if I look like a suitable commodity on the shelf?

I don’t think so.