I Married My Father
Tags: Life Lessons, Self Improvement, Marriage, Relationships, Life

I remember running from who was calling me because I was afraid. Afraid of his strong voice. He was a deep speaker. He was a deep thinker. He was everything that I ever saw. So, I married him. Not because I wanted too but it’s because that’s what I was familiar with.

I think he thought that women were beneath men because that’s where he placed me. The last option. But as usual, I never recognized it because I was always being bribed with money later. However, it worked. It was easier that way. It’s always “cheaper to keep her” they say.

On darker days, I would chase him as he knew I would. But if I knew better, I would’ve just stood in one spot. The more you chase someone, the further you run away from yourself. I wish I would’ve known that before but it made sense now. I was my mother. She was a skilled “runner”.

He would look me in my eyes and lie. I knew he was lying but I still almost believed him. Well… because I loved him and he made me feel like I needed him. Narcissistic behavior. I shut down after every argument because he made me feel so voiceless. I would cry silently. One tear drops and I felt shame.

“You’re nothing without me!”

I will never forget the words coming out of my husband’s mouth. Again, I almost believed him because I’ve heard those words before. Out of my father’s own mouth. There I was, a child all over again.

I thought I could escape my father as I aged and time went on. Transforming into a rebellious teenager, then into the damaged woman. My husband mirrored my father precisely. He was my first real depiction of a man. No matter how many times I tried to paint over him, he kept finding me. And I kept falling for “him”.

Can you imagine a heartbreak so many times that you stop feeling it?

You Have An Ever Lasting Impression On Your Children

I never want to give advice to parents on how they should raise their child(ren). But what you should know is that they study you at an early age. They really do pay attention to the things that you say and do. They repeat your behavior because you are their first teachers in life.

If you display inappropriate behavior in front of them, it will reflect on them and then they will continue the cycle. I remember my reaction to being in the same boat my mother once was. I subconsciously got myself into the same situations of abuse and depression. All the red flags were there in the beginning but it felt good to ignore them. I recognized the patterns and quickly derailed from that path but not before I experienced a section of it.

My husband mimicked everything my father ever did. So, why was I so intrigued by it? Because I was also shaping into my mother who allowed it. It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t my fault either. It was simply a case of a generational curse on many ends. I was bleeding like my mother’s feet when glass was thrown across the room from my father.

Children may not have all the tools at the time to express their honest feelings but they are feeling the same hurt. Maybe even worse. Children always get the short end of the stick when it comes to dysfunctional people attempting to be parents.

Create a Healthy Environment For Your Children To Live and Thrive In

What if we didn’t witness the traumatic events between our parents? Who would we be today? Who would we attract after we become who we are?

Don’t be selfish. Your children have a high chance of outliving you. They should never be left with your pain to heal in their lifetime. Sometimes, I look at my father and say in my mind, “Look what you’ve turned me into!”. Children are a damn good enough reason to be a better person. So be the best example you can be.

Would you be happy if they married someone like you?