Brian Blessed and the Possibilities of Biography
By: H. L. Warren
Tags: Books, Biography, Humor, Writing, Reading

Brian Blessed and the Possibilities of Biography

Photo by Kirsty Downs released into Public Domain

Brian Blessed: Actor. Explorer. Cosmonaut. Sumo wrestling commentator …

When Craig Brown started writing a biography of the Beatles, One Two Three Four: The Beatles in Time, he decided the most appropriate way to cover the scope of the band’s social and cultural influence involved breaking the book down into 150 chapters. A cornucopia of letters, essays, anecdotes, diary entries, lists and historical insights resulted in the perfect structure to tell the story of four talented boys from Liverpool. Brian Blessed must have been tempted to try something similar when faced with the daunting prospect of putting his own life down on paper, such is the variety of his interests and adventures. Despite selecting a traditional narrative for his autobiography Absolute Pandemonium — told in his typically humorous fashion, ‘All over South Yorkshire, people were beating the crap out of each other. It was marvellous!’ — it does not stop the reader from imagining what they could have done with the material …

An A to Z of Brian Blessed: I is for impersonating Pavarotti. P is for punching polar bears …

On This Day: A Blessed story for every day of the year: On the 3rd of August 1963 Brian delivered a baby in Richmond Park …

How well do you know Brian? A quiz for all the family: Which famous playwright did Brian push down a flight of stairs for being rude? A. Noel Coward. B. Alan Bennett. C. Harold Pinter. D. Arthur Miller …

Blessed Quotations: ‘I have marvellous dreams! I meet Buddha, I meet Jesus, I meet Mohammed. I constantly dream of space, stars and planets: we are children of stardust…’

A list of Brian’s Accomplishments: Oldest person to climb Everest to 28, 500 ft. without oxygen. Oldest person to reach the magnetic North Pole on foot. Completed intensive training at Moscow space centre. Runs an animal sanctuary with his wife …

I think all these methods would have some merit, but to truly capture Brian’s nature the author would have to find a way to document the many thousands of people who have had a walk-on part in the story of his life. To achieve this aim it might be worth considering a special edition of the general reference book Who’s Who. Each entry would include the basics — the name and occupation of the individual — followed by the juicy stuffy; information on the indelible impression Mr. Blessed has left on their soul. Let’s take a look at some of his colleagues from the world of entertainment:

Capaldi, Peter (1958 — ) Actor. Accidently knocked unconscious by Brian on the set of Tom Jones. Attending paramedics, operating under the assumption he was wearing a Georgian wig, proceeded to pull out chunks of his hair.

Gielgud, John (1904–2000) Actor. Constant bum pinching at the National Theatre led John to conclude that Brian is a, ‘Terrible man but a lovely bit of ruff.’

Hepburn, Katherine (1907–2003) Actress. Four time Oscar winning actress. Formed an intense relationship with Brian while filming Trojan Women. They spent their days talking philosophy and kissing each other on the cheeks. On one occasion, when Brian was too cold to perform a scene, she rubbed him up for a quarter of an hour.

Lucas, George (1944 — ) Creator of Star Wars. During the filming of The Phantom Menace the pair discovered a shared love for Martian topology. Not long after, a challenge was devised: first one to the top of Olympus Mons, the highest peak in the solar system, is the winner. The smart money is on Brian, having already simulated climbing the mountain when conducting research for NASA.

Reeves, Keanu (1964 -) Actor. Whilst filming Much Ado About Nothing Brian taught Keanu to meditate in order to rid the mind and body of unwanted emotion — something of a success.

Of course, it’s not just actors and directors who have had their destinies shaped by Brian. Absolute Pandemonium makes it quite clear that political and religious figures also fell under his wing:

Dalai Lama (1935 — ) Spiritual leader of Tibet. A meeting of minds in Nepal. His Holiness talked of the importance of cold showers for a successful life of abstinence and then requested a boxing contest. A lifelong practitioner in various forms of combat, Brian was happy to play along.

Elizabeth 11 (1926 — ) Queen of the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth realms. The normally reserved monarch asked Brian whether he might say his famous line from Flash Gordon, ‘Gordon’s Alive!’ This openness may have had something to do with her early obsession for his role as a police officer in the 1960s drama series Z-Cars. ‘PC Fancy Smith has kept Queen Elizabeth very happy during pregnancy’ the papers said.

Mohammed, Datuk Add Aziz (1940 — ) Malaysian High Commissioner. Invited Brian to visit his country. While searching for mythical beasts in Malaysia, Brian found himself in the enviable position of being in a canoe with a competent oarsman who also happened to be an orangutan. The twenty-mile journey ended with a deep-throated kiss between man and ape.

Reading Absolute Pandemonium offers an insight into what can be achieved in a lifetime — by an individual who nurtures a rich fantasy life — whilst simultaneously raising intriguing questions concerning the limits of the biographical genre. The future looks promising for those interested in investigating the relationship between content and form; Craig Brown was recently awarded the Ballie Gifford Prize and One Two Three Four has received rave reviews. Perhaps in the future, we will see biographies constructed solely of information graphics or autobiographical chose your own adventure stories. I can think of a certain Yorkshireman who would make the ideal candidate for such experimentation.