I’m Not Kidding — I’m #Adulting!. What a day!
By: Scotty Jenkins
Tags: Lifestyle, Humor, Millennials, Adulting, Satire

Photo by Tarutoa on Unsplash

What a day!

It started when I tried to deposit the check Grandma gave me for my 31st birthday. My banking app kept giving me an error message, and I realized I had to make the deposit at the actual bank. I had no idea how! I wanted to call Mom, but it was time to stop kidding around and start adulting around.

So I asked my Facebook friends for recommendations on “how to deposit a check at my bank.” After clarifying what specifically I was asking, my middle school math teacher asked if I was kidding. I said I was until today, but now I’m adulting.

With Mrs. Pearson’s detailed instructions in hand, I headed to my bank, which apparently closes at noon on Saturdays. Thanks for the heads up, Mrs. Pearson. Fortunately, I learned, you can deposit a check at an ATM, a self-Venmo machine invented in like the 1800s. No kidding!

After I posted a picture of my deposit slip on Instagram, I was ready for some more adulting. Like buying stamps. I’ve never mailed anything, but Mrs. Pearson can teach me how later. When I asked the cashier at the post office for 1000 stamps, she asked if I was kidding. “Nope,” I said, “or I wouldn’t be buying stamps!”

Adulting begets more adulting. With my rent due next week, I needed to recoup the $550 I’d just spent on stamps. So I got a payday loan from a place called EZ Fast Cash. All kidding aside, it was EZ. I won’t be able to pay the $1,100 I’ll owe in two weeks, but the guy said I can just get another loan. Maybe I won’t need to if I use my stamps to buy food? I kid you not.

Mom called immediately after I posted a selfie with my stamp books and payday loan check. I needed her to explain how interest works, but I didn’t pick up. I have to stop relying on her for everything, which is why I canceled the doctor’s appointment she made me and rescheduled it for the exact same day and time. The receptionist thought I was kidding, but kidders don’t request a colonoscopy.

She hooked me up with a gastroenterologist because my pediatrician doesn’t do colonoscopies. Not two seconds after I posted a screenshot of my appointment confirmation, Mom texted me: “Are you fucking kidding me?” No, Mom. Colorectal cancer is the third most common cancer in adults over 50. I’m ruling it out 19 years early. That’s fucking adulting.

And adulting was exhausting. I figured I had two options. I could go take a nap, like a 30-year-old, or I could buy some Adderall from Danny. Who was I kidding? I had one option: buy some Adderall from Danny.

“You want all of it? Are you kidding?” Danny asked. “No, I was kidding when I sold you my Adderall prescription,” I replied. “Now I’m adulting, and I wanna buy it back.”

Barely two hours after I posted a picture of my second payday loan check and the sandwich bag full of 57 Adderall tablets, the police knocked on my door. Not one to kid today, I adulted out the back door, right into a police officer’s arms. That’s how I ended up in this cell with you. Man, Tasers hurt!

I can’t believe I’m gonna have a real court date! And a lawyer! And a third payday loan to pay the lawyer! If I keep adulting so much, I’m not gonna have time to chronicle all my adulting. Does that mean I’ll be ultra-adulting?

Anyway, do you wanna split the Adderall I’m hiding in my rectum? I’m kidding! I’m not sharing my Adderall. This isn’t juvie. I am gonna shank you, though. #adulting