A Memo from NASA Regarding the Astronaut Relief Package
By: Michael Leonetti
Tags: Nancy Pelosi, Congress, Mitch Mcconnell, News, NASA

HUMOR

A Memo from NASA Regarding the Astronaut Relief Package

Don’t hold your breath. On second thought, hold your breath.

(Courtesy of NASA via Unsplash)

FROM: The National Aeronautics and Space Administration

TO: The astronauts who have been stranded on the American Space Station since March

BODY: We’ve got great news! Everyone at the space agency has worked together to come up with a plan that will see you astronauts through the rest of your struggle while being trapped inside up there and all alone. We are going to send you six days worth of air!

We know earlier in the year we sent you 12 days worth of air, and you’re probably thinking, “how much air does one person need?” We’ve certainly been thinking the same thing ourselves for the past nine months, but in the spirit of the holiday season, you could say we’re in an extra giving mood right now.

These six days worth of air should be reaching the space station any second and will be uploaded directly into your own personal air tanks. If you still haven’t gotten your first delivery of air, just send a correspondence via the United Space Postal Service (USPS) and we’ll get right on fixing that for you. Please note, the USPS is experiencing unprecedented delays due to very foreseen circumstances, so plan accordingly.

The leaders of both portions of NASA wanted to relay a message directly to you with the announcement of this unprecedented relief package.

Space Commander Nancy: “Six days worth of air is a significant amount of air. Most people only need two days worth of air to breathe for six days, but we’re sending you stranded astronauts six days which should be good for the rest of the year if you ration it correctly.” This message was transcribed from a recording at Space Commander Nancy’s home in her second detached garage by her third large refrigerator filled with premium natural air.

“Six days worth of air is a significant amount of air. Most people only need two days worth of air to breathe for six days, but we’re sending you stranded astronauts six days which should be good for the rest of the year if you ration it correctly.” This message was transcribed from a recording at Space Commander Nancy’s home in her second detached garage by her third large refrigerator filled with premium natural air. Space Commander Mitch: “I initially didn’t want to send any air, and in fact was demanding that you astronauts return to the outside of the space station to continue your work without any more air. However, due to Space Commander Schumer’s perseverance and terrible negotiation skills, I relented and agreed to send you some air after getting more of what I wanted.” Space Commander Mitch gave this comment moments before going back to work — roaming around Kentucky and sucking all the air out of hospital ventilators.

Since you’ve been trapped up there we want to address two nasty rumors regarding this momentous and life-saving deal we struck:

Some people will say that we should be sending air in a larger amount and more frequently until we have a plan to get the astronauts home safely, but this is foolish. You astronauts wouldn’t want us to do that. At least that’s what all of us at the space agency decided was the case without listening to you, but you shouldn’t bother sending a message anyhow, got to conserve that air after all!

Please don’t pay attention to any of the rumors calling the 1.4 billion dollars we’re spending on the chain link fence we’re installing outside of the space station. It will help keep aliens out of your space station even if it only covers approximately ⅛ of the space station and none of the doors.

We’ll leave you with one fact that will make our accomplishments seem truly huge — did you know you take approximately 20,000 breaths of air per day? This means we’re sending you around 120,000 breaths of air!

We will check back in on all of you after another nine months when we are sure you’ll be able to express your true gratitude.