How To Grow Individually And Together In A Romantic Relationship
By: Morten Jensen
Tags: Advice, Love, LGBTQ, Relationships, Growth

Provide room for growth

A few years ago I had a bit of a breakdown. For reasons unrelated to our relationship, I completely lost my identity. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted out of life.

At that point, I needed a break from everything, including my husband. I quit my job and booked a “self-discovery” trip to Nepal where I volunteered on a local project for a month. Upon my return, I still had the major task of figuring out what to do with my life and find purpose.

This took time, and the key point is that my husband gave me the space and time I needed to find it. He created space that allowed me to grow into the person I am today. I didn’t even have to ask for it.

I am embarrassed to admit that at the time, I may not have felt able to reciprocate that generosity. I had valid reasons, but I was selfish. I still was inconsiderate of his needs and never once asked whether it was ok, I just demanded it. Nor did I ask what he needed from me or from us.

Over the years, this has at times created friction in our relationship, and I clearly see why. I now find myself in a position where I can learn from and make amends for past mistakes as the situation has been somewhat reversed.

My husband is going through big life-changes, both personally and professionally. As I very well know, this requires space and time. I am more than willing to give him that and so much more.

In a relationship, there has to be room for both personalities to grow individually as well as together. Because if not, you risk creating resentment towards each other which has no place in a partnership.

Communication

Forgive me for pointing out the obvious here, but communication is key for any relationship to flourish. As obvious as it may seem, experience tells me that many couples have completely misunderstood the concept.

As I can attest, communication is more than just telling your partner what you need. I would argue that it is equally important, if not more important to actively listen for what they need.

The number of times I have had to lend a shoulder while friends complain that their partner “just isn’t listening” is unfortunately shocking. But if you ever find yourself in the same situation, I would urge you to stop and take a good hard look in the mirror and ask yourself: “am I actively listening for my partner’s needs?”. Most often, I find neither party show a willingness to hear each other out.

Why not be the first person to allow your partner space to express their “side” and be completely honest in how they feel? This displays courage and helps to build trust. Most often, your partner will reciprocate and allow you the same.

At times, these types of honest conversations can be excruciatingly uncomfortable and scary. Trust me, I have had a few. But if we cannot be 100% honest with our partner, why are we even in a relationship in the first place?

Of course, to be honest with your partner you first have to be honest with yourself. Again, forgive me for pointing out the obvious, but I know many individuals who are not living their authentic true selves.

If we are not living our true identity, we often unknowingly sabotage our partner’s attempt to live theirs — thereby creating instability and mistrust.

Yet, when you are living your true self, you inspire your partner to do the same and the relationship can flourish.

Ask for permission and don’t make assumptions

When you feel you have something to express, don’t put it on hold. Bottling up emotions is unhealthy and helps no-one. However, be courteous and respectful of your partner’s time and feelings. Ask for permission to express yourself and wait for that permission to be granted.

A big mistake I used to make was to bottle up whatever was on my mind. I would go a couple of days snapping at my partner for no apparent reason. When everything finally burst out without warning he would ask me why I’d waited so long to open up. I would make the excuse that I had too many thoughts swirling around my head to be able to make out what was going on and I needed time to find the words.

The truth is, often I was embarrassed to admit that I had made assumptions about something he had said or done (or not done) and was afraid it meant the end of our relationship. A testament to my insecurities.

Waiting even a couple of days with something like that, sends your mind spiraling out of control. And in the end, when you finally have the conversation you find yourself even more embarrassed that you had let your mind create scenarios that are completely out of proportion.

Not once in our 15 years together have I been right about my assumptions. We are not mind-readers. If you feel something is up ask for permission and ask questions. Do not make up the story.

Celebrate each other’s individuality

Most of us know once the excitement of falling in love subsides and things become “normal” the things we used to find adorable about our partners can start to annoy us.

When that happens we often try to “change” their behaviours. We try to make them something they are not. If we succeed we take away their individuality and personality. The very things we fell in love with in the first place.

In reality, most often the things we want to change about someone else are either a reflection of something we ought to change about ourselves or personal insecurities we need to resolve. This has become painfully obvious having spent years in self-reflection.

Too many examples live in my memory of me trying to change my husband’s behaviours. In each and every example, I can point to a personal change I have made or an insecurity I have dealt with.

It is neither my responsibility nor my right to change any of my partner’s attributes. And when it comes down to it, nor do I want to.

There has to be room for each person to express themselves the way that is right for them. We should encourage and celebrate our partners’ individualities, not discourage them. It’s what makes them unique and beautiful and we should thrive on that. We should be proud of that.