Here’s Why It’s Hard for You to Ask for Help
By: Acamea Deadwiler
Tags: Relationships, Stress, Personal Development, Vulnerability, Self

Photo by christopher lemercier on Unsplash

You depended on someone, and they let you down.

You waited. You trusted without expecting. Still, they never showed up.

Someone came to your aid, but they behaved as though the request was a bother — as though their presence was a reluctant favor. They made you feel pathetic for needing them at all.

Worse, they never said they were sorry.

This may have been different people or the same person on many different occasions. No matter. The result is the same.

The constant disregard and disappointment became heavy to carry.

You lost your faith in people — and maybe a bit of the belief that you’re worthy of their support. So, you stopped asking for and accepting help as a defense mechanism.

You started telling yourself, “I don’t need anyone.” Because the idea of believing that someone will come through for you makes your heart sink. It evokes the painful history of your being left on an island in the hour of your greatest hardship.

How do I know this? Because I’ve been you. I am you.

The idea of asking someone for help has made me queasy with apprehension. I’ve even refused voluntary assistance when it would’ve, well, helped. All because I didn’t want anyone to feel like I needed them. To prove to them, to myself, and to the universe that I can do it alone.

I’ve learned that I can do it on my own. Whatever I aspire to achieve, I’ve found a way to get it done mostly unaided. This mentality has made me incredibly self-sufficient — to a fault. Because the most profound lesson I’ve learned is that allowing someone to accompany you on your journey makes the experience more enjoyable. Letting someone lend a hand lightens your load so that it doesn’t break you down.

Asking for help makes us feel extremely vulnerable.

People are hardwired to want to do things on their own and be independent-minded, says Executive and Leadership Coach M. Nora Bouchard. We don’t want to be ashamed of our situation or come across as incompetent. So we work really hard to make sure people don’t see us this way.

We also don’t enjoy rejection, in any form.

Asking someone for something opens the door to them telling us, “no.” It would serve us to grow to a point where we can accept rejection with grace and without it damaging our self-esteem. However, if you’ve had your requests denied more often than not, it’s understandable that you may not be eager to continue putting yourself in such a situation.

The irony is, most people want to help. So, if you’ve experienced repeated refusals in your time of need, experts say it likely started when you were young.

According to Lisa Ferentz LCSW-C, DAPA, Like many other things, I believe this has its roots in family-of-origin experiences. If asking for help is hard for you, take some time to consider the following: While you were growing up what kind of messages did you get about asking for help? Did your family place more value on “doing it yourself” or “letting others in?” When you did attempt to reach out in childhood, how did the people in your life respond? If the messages you got, overtly or covertly, taught you that reaching out was unacceptable, futile, or would cause more pain, it makes sense that you would go it alone whenever possible.

While asking for help can be just as uncomfortable as other vulnerable positions, it only becomes a crippling challenge when we’ve experienced negative results from the practice. It’s important to understand that everyone isn’t like the mother, father, ex-lover, or friend who was incapable of being there for us or meeting the few needs we entrusted to their care.

No one will love you, like you.

No one will care for you as you care for yourself. Nor should they. We have our own lives to live. Requiring another person to be the source of our happiness and responsible for our well-being is an impossible, unfair burden. It’s essential that we maintain some level of independence.

Yet, it’s a strength, not a weakness, to be able to admit when you’re overwhelmed. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable in a relationship is critical to establishing a bond. People who authentically love and care for you want to help you. They just may not always have the capacity.

The key is to not take someone’s inability to come through for us as a personal assault. Often, it’s not about us at all.

So, tell people what you need. You’ll either get it or realize they can’t give it to you. Both are gifts.