Auto-Pilot Leads to Death
By: Reuben Salsa
Tags: Salsa, Psychology, Self, Ideas, The Bad Influence

SELF

Auto-Pilot Leads to Death

Or at least a tragically dull life

Photo by Scott Webb on Unsplash

This awesome little article from Marilyn Flower had me questioning my very existence.

She caught me at an odd moment in my day. A little worn out from yet another waffle of a meeting, I was looking for a break. I stumbled upon Marilyn’s post and thought I should reply. I didn’t expect I was about to head down a rabbit warren of existential crisis.

What DOES keep me going?

Like most people, I’m on auto-pilot. Our brains have developed an unconscious decision-making system so we can take care of routine tasks. Has my day to day devolved into nothing but routine? Am I always chasing an elusive ‘win’? The psychology behind auto-pilot goes on to list further signs of a dulled brain. They are:

Predictable routine Always pleasing others Always on Feeling that time flies The belief you’re missing out

Have I become a victim to any of these? I certainly recognize the signs. I enjoy routine. I enjoy my early morning workout, my hour of writing at the same time each day (mostly dictated by my day job and small kids / family time in the evening). Lunch is regular. Dinner is regular. Bedtime is predictable. Have I grown stale and boring? Is this what middle-age looks like? Comfort in routine. Snug in bed after a solitary glass of wine. Excitement of a new Netflix program drowned out by my snoring halfway through?

I’m not a people pleaser, so no anxiety there. I routinely try my best to avoid people. Yes…I just smiled to myself at my active avoidance enterprise. Am I always distracted then? Never pausing to check how I feel? Writing helps here. I let my anxieties creep out onto the page. A heady mix of anger and loathing spewed in a stream of conciousness. I’m too busy to stop. I find my day starting at 3am in order to cram so much into it. I’m exhausted every night and have trouble sleeping. Auto-pilot has become a survival mechanism.

Do I feel guilty for not accomplishing much? Is time flying? I do have trouble recalling what I did over the weekend or where I was an hour ago or even what I was doing. Maybe I’m suffering stress and fatigue but haven’t quite paused enough to acknowledge how bad my life choices are affecting me.

The last point, fear of missing out, rings true. I found I’m often awake asking myself what if? What if I stopped? What if I never wrote another word? What if I quit my job or left my family? What if I did actually die tomorrow? Have I left a legacy? Would people care? Would I be missed? What if all these words and all this time spent banging on a keyboard is in vain? What if no one is actually reading? What if I just knock out writing in order to meet a quota solely imposed on myself by me? What if I really don’t care? What if your opinion of me doesn’t really matter?

Fear is driving me. I’m a tangled ball of fear and that’s hard to admit. I know I need to change but that’s a scary process. And what exactly do I change? What exactly is making me upset? What is scaring me?

I guess fear drives me and I’m not sure that’s the best way to be…