7 Reasons Why Online Dating Isn’t Working For You
By: Matt Lillywhite
Tags: Culture, Psychology, Dating, Relationships, Life

7 Reasons Why Online Dating Isn’t Working For You

You’re making dating much harder than it has to be.

Photo by Charles on Unsplash

How often do you find yourself wanting to be in a relationship?

You know, swiping through dating apps, dreaming about finding “the one,” and anything else that could enable you to find your perfect partner.

But no matter how much you try to find your soulmate, nothing seems to work, and you end up wondering if you’re going to stay single for the rest of your life.

Right? We all want to fall in love, create a beautiful relationship, and spend the rest of our days living a happier life. But sooner or later, you realize that your future won’t change until you’re willing to change your actions. In the words of Albert Einstein:

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”

So below are several reasons why you’re having difficulty finding love through online dating. Each one of them helped me to improve my dating life, and I hope they do the same for you, too.

You’re Afraid Of Rejection.

Studies show that online dating can increase the rate of romantic rejection, and subsequently decrease levels of self-esteem. Quoting an article published in CNN:

“Instead of one rejection at a bar on a Saturday night, the popularity of online dating gives users many more opportunities to feel rejected faster.”

Over the past few years, online dating was something that I found difficult due to a paralyzing fear of rejection. Instead of talking to someone that I found attractive, I instantly assumed that they wouldn’t be interested in a conversation.

Despite being held back by my negative way of thinking, my mindset quickly changed when I discovered the following quote from Epictetus:

“Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not.”

I’ve discovered that although we may not have control over what other people think, we certainly have the power to choose our response. After all, it’s important to remember that having closure over your thoughts is much better than living in regret.

So instead of worrying about everything that could go wrong, ignore your fear of rejection, and you’ll quickly find that you were overthinking the entire process of online dating.

You’re Too Selective.

One of the biggest reasons people struggle with online dating is because they’re incredibly selective about the type of people they want to meet. For example, they could be searching for someone who lives in Hawaii, graduated from Harvard, has two dogs & enjoys listening to Ed Sheeran.

So if you’re using dating apps to find an ideal partner, think about loosening your parameters, so you’re not trying to chase an unrealistic version of perfection.

Since implementing this strategy within my dating life, I’ve started meeting incredible people that I may have once rejected because “they weren’t my type.”

So consider being slightly more open-minded when it comes to finding the ideal partner, and you’ll be surprised at how quickly your dating life will improve.

You’re Not Sending The First Message.

Seneca says, “We suffer more in imagination than in reality.” I’ve discovered that overthinking leads to not taking action on your goals.

So instead of thinking about everything that could go wrong, focus on what will happen if things go well.

For example, I used to be afraid of initiating a conversation as I never knew what to say. But once I began focusing on creating incredible relationships, my confidence rapidly improved & my fear of talking to new people disappeared.

We don’t like to put ourselves in situations outside of our comfort zone. But whenever you’re hesitant to start a conversation, take a moment to think about how your life would improve by meeting your ideal partner.

You’ll discover that your fear of rejection will quickly fade away.

Your Conversations Are Generic.

Asking generic questions after matching with someone is an excellent way to be quickly forgotten as you won’t stand out from other people. So it’s important to remember that asking interesting questions is a great way to maintain a conversation while online dating.

Research published by Forbes shows that asking follow-up questions to express an interest in what the other person is saying can significantly improve your chances of a second date. Quoting the article:

“Compared to those who do not ask many questions, people who do are better liked and learn more information from their conversation partners.”

Earlier this year, I had a habit of asking generic questions throughout every conversation as I didn’t like talking about subjects outside of my comfort zone. For example, I regularly tried to steer the conversation towards discussing travel as I’ve been to dozens of countries.

But since asking more questions about the other person, each conversation has become a lot more meaningful as we’re showing a genuine interest in each other’s lives.

You’re Coming Off As Desperate.

I used to struggle with creating relationships as I always wanted to talk to people until the early hours of the morning.

But when I discovered that emotional intimacy isn’t formed overnight, my life changed due to a newly-found ability to build connections with people over a long time.

For example, I’d only talk to people several times a week (instead of every day) to ensure that we never ran out of things to say during a conversation.

So when you reduce the number of times that you speak with someone each week, you’ll discover that every moment spent talking with them is much more enjoyable for both of you.

You’re Not Optimizing Your Dating Profile.

Research shows that having a detailed profile significantly increases your chances of getting matched with someone. Quoting an article published in Psychology Today:

“The male Tinder profiles in the study without bios achieved an average of 16 matches from women. This increased to 69 when a bio was present.”

So if you’re looking to improve your chances of finding love on a dating app, it’ll come as no surprise to learn that writing an interesting bio is a great way to start.

Begin optimizing your profile by writing a summary of your personality, adding several photos, and including anything else that you’d like someone to know before having a conversation.

Although these changes will only take a few minutes to implement, the effect they will have on your online dating life will be profound.

You’re Not Putting In Any Effort.

When you’re proactive in your dating life, it’s easier to know what you want from a relationship. After all, it’s much better to have clarity on your future instead of wasting time with incompatible people.

Start by writing down a list of desirable qualities that your ideal partner would possess, and then put yourself in situations where you’re likely to meet that type of person.

I’ve discovered that when you gain clarity over your future, it becomes much easier to become the person you need to be to make it a reality. In the words of Marcus Aurelius:

“Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.”

So every day, ask yourself: “What can I do today to become the type of person that my ideal partner would love?”

That’s all you need to do.