How a Sixty Second TikTok Video Helped Me Realise I’d Been Gaslighting Myself
Tags: Self Improvement, Shadowwork, Sociology, Friendship, Psychology

How a Sixty Second TikTok Video Helped Me Realise I’d Been Gaslighting Myself

It’s so funny…it’s, wait…

Gaslighting: A form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes, including low self-esteem.

The TikTok in question is the work of the hilarious genius, Jordan Firstman; easily the funniest and smartest person on the internet:

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJkeDDD5/

For those who don’t have TikTok, here’s a transcribed version:

The text reads: This is my impression of a friend who won’t let you talk shit.

Jordan says:

No I don’t feel like they’re like that at all…Yeah no, I’ve never seem them display that kind of behaviour. Um yeah, and even if the story you’re telling is infact true and unbiased, um, I’ve known them for long enough to know that it’s not a pattern so it’s not worth talking about. And I get that you might feel that it will bring us closer together to talk that way about about our friend but um, I don’t feel close to you at all right now. In this moment…yeah, I feel quite…quite the contrary. I feel far…away. And so I guess what I would recommend is maybe you looking inward and kind of just trying to figure out where that comes from inside of you. And then me or the friend that you’re shit talking, I’m sure we would both be happy to kind of help you figure that out. K? We should order! Wings? Oh my god, wings! I hate, I hate getting messy but I gotta say I love the taste of wings. Let’s do it! Why —

When I first came across the video, I scoffed and immediately sent it to my partner for us to enjoy during our before bed Tok time. To my surprise, however, instead of snuggling into my usual warm nook, I found myself sitting upright, fully ready to enagage in a heated debate. As the video played, my partner had exclaimed — Oh my god! These kinds of people make me so angry! I struggled to make sense of her reaction, because to me, Jordan was addressing the issue of bitching and talking bad about a friend when they weren’t present. I felt that the character he was playing was completely right — bitching about someone behind their back was at best petty, and at worst, a telltale sign of untrustworthiness and inauthenticity. I stated my case — What?! Friends bitching about each other is not okay, it’s immature and disrespectful. He’s clearly expressing that he doesn’t want to be a part of that!…

My partner, who knows how to spot my ego flares by now, knew what kind of road I was heading down. Okay…she replied simply. I knew this meant she was not going to enagage much further and, clever — because through my reaction, I had showed how open I was going to be to hearing her. Not very. Alas, there is a reward for doing your shadow work. After a few minutes, I was able to put my reactive self at ease and bring my responsive self forward. I asked what her perspective was on the situation and made sure I was listening.

I just think these kinds of people invalidate your experience, she said. They’re responding with their experience and not listening to yours.

Okay, I could see where she was coming from. But what about the issue of talking bad about a friend behind their back? Wasn’t that still an issue?

It’s not about bitching, she continued. It’s about expressing how you feel about an experience you’ve had with someone. Like, I didn’t ask for your experience with this person, I wanted to talk about mine. I think that should be safe to do with a friend.

I was hearing her. I understood and agreed with her points. But I still couldn’t let it go. Shouldn’t you take it up with said friend, then? Instead of talking it through with someone else?

Well, there are a few obstacles with that. Approaching someone to talk can quickly turn into a confrontation because the person you’re talking to reacts with anger or fear, and the situation is made worse by bringing it up with them. Sometimes you’re not ready to talk it through, and you’d prefer to just get it off your chest with someone else.

Hearing this, I realised — approaching someone directly isn’t actually always the best option. Sometimes it isn’t necessary or helpful, and sometimes it simply isn’t possible. You’re not morally superior if you march right up to someone and tell them what you think of them — in fact, if it’s not appropriate for the person or the situation you’re dealing with, it could be emotionally and/or mentally insensitive, and sometimes even unsafe.

This led me to reconsider what ‘bitching’ actually was and whether it was even a justifiable excuse for that type of response — I reminded myself: bitching was the act of complaining and making unkind remarks about someone. Was it unkind to express how you felt about an experience you had with someone to someone else? I decided that no, it wasn’t.

My partner suggested I watch the video again to see if my perspective had changed. It had. I listened again, this time actually hearing what was being said, rather than reacting from a defensive place dictated by my childhood trauma.

No I don’t feel like they’re like that at all…Yeah no, I’ve never seem them display that kind of behaviour.

Straight up invalidation of someone else’s experience based on yours.

Um yeah, and even if the story you’re telling is infact true and unbiased, um, I’ve known them for long enough to know that it’s not a pattern so it’s not worth talking about.

This sentence was almost painful to dissect. It begins with a passive accusation of lying, followed by the insinuation that knowing someone for a long time is evidence enough for their good behavior, and to finish it off, a blatant statement that you and your feelings? Literally not worth hearing.

I get that you might feel that it might bring us closer together to talk that way about about our friend but um, I don’t feel close to you at all right now. In this moment…yeah, I feel quite…quite the contrary. I feel far…away.

This tells you that it’s not safe to express yourself honestly and openly with this person. They’re just not here for it.

And so I guess what I would recommend is maybe you looking inward and kind of just trying to figure out where that comes from inside of you. And then me or the friend that you’re shit talking, I’m sure we would both be happy to kind of help you figure that out. K?

This is the most troublesome sentence of all. While a strong emotional reaction to someone’s actions can be a mirror for unhealed issues and insecurities inside oneself, it’s not the correct time or method to share that kind of teaching with someone. This is the type of comment that comes from a huge spiritual ego— if anything, it shows the work that person themselves still has to do. Rather than condescendingly suggest inner reflection as a response to someone being vulnerable enough to express themselves, a person who really embodied their higher self would not offer unsolicited advice, they would instead show their friend love by holding space and listening with compassion, patience and objectivity.

We should order. Wings? Oh my god, wings! I hate, I hate getting messy but I gotta say I love the taste of wings. Let’s do it! Why —

Finally, the sudden forced closure of the conversation without having asked the person if they needed to talk further shows that it’s truly a one way show.