Alone
Tags: 2020, Self Improvement, Personal Journeys, Journal, Storytelling

Alone

Overview

Looking into a mirror, there is not only the crisp image reflected but a deep abyss found somewhere in between dimensions. Questioning the universe whether the alternative self in an imaginary alternative universe would actually be happy for these life choices. The reason for this meta-analysis is that lately, I experience confounding thoughts at zones where I am alone.

Most stories start with a sad beginning anyway, nonetheless, the beauty in beginnings is that you get to shape them — tell them how you want it to fit a narrative. My story is one about uncertainty, the grey area and negligence. Feeling alone feels like being in a well but with many doors at each end, confused at which to choose to enter, and mostly those who want to help out are screaming for you to save yourself.

Mastering being alone is an expectation first and foremost. Finding yourself on the first attempt at life seems like the only option.

“How you choose to spend your time”

Main Character

Am I the main character in this movie? The effect of feeling at the centre of everything starts every day I felt the peace to question reality and expectations. Where do I stand in all this mess and what do I do about my mess? Just like character-building, there is not that many roles one could pick.

Limitations to a character serve a purpose. They bring growth, conflict, and beauty. In my life, the background you come from is seen in society to be your advantage. This is not even controversial.

Where fate and destiny make no sense here I lie, pondering where and why I find myself here. Blaming myself mostly for not believing enough; rallying hope to defeat.

Losing and Winning

“Hakeem, why don’t you just …..”

The inertia of depression is somewhat comforting. Asking what the answers are in a room that looks like an Escher painting with deafening silence and colour, embodies a life where winning is losing.

A boy with heels of potential and a heart somewhat lost not to the fighting balance of good and evil but to time and plain grey dark clouds. I have always tried to fit in, longing for companionship, not to sound emotional or soft and finding help through sounds and lights.

Luck is fountains of betrayal wrapped in a shame of relief. Winning is amazing, losing feels much more than it sounds. Losing again and again at the things that matter, for that is the killer blow. Transcending time, what feels like an hour slowly ticks off without reprise. Staying alone with myself feels toxic. Winning makes it worthwhile right.

EA

Expectations and Assumptions. Socially awkward trying to expect society to change for me when I have not made that change within. Trying to understand if I have always been this way in life. Looking for help, seeking for love, hoping for heartbreak and staying afraid of the present. Procrastination has led me way deep what I could assume.

Self

I am not quoting a book to feel my intellect makes sense or maybe to make it fit. Self journeys are important. I meditate; peeping through the window to see when my demons may go on vacation.

I am not earning yet. I always daydream of commuting to work. Mostly my deja vus are accurate; predicting the future with straight shock quality. I am learning: coding occasionally or redesigning UI/UX designs from tutorials, or freaking out about the future. Staying open craves focus.

I sleep less. No naps sometimes. The world I created from a young age, seems to be reasonable but life isn’t. “Energy” I learnt is the most important element one could possess. My self comes with zero help.

I am still in love. I feel her. She deserves more. I feel blank.

End of a new day

Oya, end this now. You are not making sense.

Feels like drowning but waving to look fine. Not waving but drowning. Everyone wants jolly and positivity. All I can hope for is an end to a new day so I can go back to mining through the tunnels. I am also inspired, I am also human and I form part of the ecosystem anyway — doesn't matter but that is just the pink matter.

Stop being negative

Every day is living. Living is positive so why be negative.

I have no answer. Wish I did.

What’s next?

The tips of my fingers feel this anticipation when I type to write. The anticipation I feel each time I love, I smile, I bless and I wonder. The comfort of divine feels like swimming with no water. Yet still, the anticipation to make the ones who have stayed around your circle proud keeps sticking out.

I am looking to freelance around content and design and grow businesses around me. I am looking to be comfortable being alone. I am looking to not take the main role in life but be the supporting character. Help lift my sadness up so we get through the finish line; figuring out stuff immediately we start a new roadmap.

Thank you if you made it here.

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