Journal Entries From and Incredibly Depressed Teenage Queer
Tags: Queer, Depressed, Diary, Journal, Teens

November 23rd, 2019

I don’t think I want to die. Eventually, I suppose I do but that’s solely due to my innate fear of being alone. I couldn’t bear to outlive everyone in my life. Why am I so clingy? I know this week was overall a heaving load of ass but I shouldn’t be so negatively affected. It doesn’t make sense. As soon as Cass said she was going to bed I was immediately hit with a wave of loneliness. I had to put my phone on airplane mode in order to stop myself from compulsively and repeatedly messaging anyone who makes me feel okay about myself to the point where they no longer want to see me again. I’m worried that I may have done that to Maya this weekend. I got drunk and sent her a fuck ton of snaps, I also continuously sent her messages after the conversation had already closed for no reason. I hope she doesn’t misread my intentions but I’m very worried she already has. She mentioned to me that the last girl she was seeing would continuously message her and it made Maya suspect that she wanted more than the relationship they had. Don’t get me wrong, I really fucking like her but I’ve only known her for what? A month? Even if I had known her for longer it takes me ages to develop feelings, plus I’m not the commitment type. I know deep down I can do it and hell, maybe in the near or distant future it would be something I’d desire but any form of constraint scares the shit out of me. However, what scares me more is the fear that people don’t realize that. I was kinda hoping that after I revealed a little bit about my last relationship and the engagement to her she would have a bit of insight into where my current stance on relationships is but I think it freaked her out more than anything. Maybe I should keep seeing Tuscany… A relationship seems to be exactly what she desires, even if I’m certain that she is not certain in regards to her sexuality. Maybe a relationship would be good for me. Cure my loneliness to some degree. It has been almost a year. Then again, I know it’s not for me. Accountability, devotion, and empathy are not my strong suits. Neither is communication. Maybe if I just fucking learned to genuinely communicate my emotions I wouldn’t feel like this. Nobody here knows me well enough to see through my bullshit and I’ve slowly been cutting out the people from my past. Not purposefully I assure you but I’m aware that to some degree it is happening. Adam is one of the only people who can actually see through all my shit but I rarely talk to him anymore. Maya seems to have no desire to attempt to do so. I could present her with a steamy pile of the most unoriginal facade and I have next to no doubt she would accept it as truth and move on. When she responded to my story about me being sad I lied. I lied outright. I feel terrible. I then used the same excuse I used on her for everyone else who asked. I couldn’t at the time admit to her or myself that I wasn’t upset because my dad called. I was upset because of my own dumbass head flinging me into a pool of existential dread the moment it is faced with any form of loneliness. I can keep trying to play it off, I can pretend shit doesn’t affect me and “every bad thing that happens is just there to make the good things seem better” or whatever the fuck I told her but in actuality I’m a fucking idiot who’s lied to enough therapists to make being fake a legitimate profession. I value honesty but I can’t commit to it. Shocking considering my commitment skills towards everything else are so phenomenal. I can’t even commit to things I’m passionate about. I want nothing more than to get this fucking book out there but I can feel myself giving up. English and education are my passions but I haven’t even finished this semester and I’m already debating dropping out. I’m so fucking scared of not being able to leave whenever I feel the need. Maya asked me why I came to UofC if I lived so close to Edmonton. I can’t remember what I told her but I know it was wrong. I moved here to getaway. Not from my dad but from an overall community of people who’ve invested in me to some extent and rightfully expect that same level of investment back. I moved here because I was trapped in a fucked-up relationship that left me convinced it was my only salvation from people who were only dragging me down. The only one whose ever dragged me down is myself and I know that. Bad things happen but I remain unphased however I have no capability to deal with myself and it fucking sucks. My bed smells like selena right now I hate myself. I really fucking hate myself. I just reached a point where i thought I was proud of who I am but in actuality I just surrounded myself with people who made me forget about myself. I continuously partied and hung out with anyone I could at all hours of the day just so I didn’t have to be alone with myself. I hope Maya knows that the few times I asked her to sleepover… I sound fucking crazy rn. This is not me. I’m a strong individual who has undergone significant stress. Yes, others have faced far worse but that doesn’t make my struggle any less valid. Maya’s impact on my life is extremely healthy when I allow it to be but due to my own fears which I’m building up, I’m preventing that. I have a vast support system that I should utilize more frequently. Adam is always there if I need him to see through my idiocy and if I truly desire more honesty and emotional transparency in my life then I should genuinely pursue it. Wanting to take a year off from school is not giving up. Classes are hard and I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of things I’d like to explore before I have to start getting my life started. That is completely reasonable however if I apply myself now I will have plenty of time to experience those things in the coming years. Taking a break from my phone every here and there is healthy. Reaching out to people when I’m upset by sending them memes or pictures of my eyeball or some equally ignorable shit on snapchat and getting upset when they don’t respond is not a healthy coping mechanism. I am learning to cope on my own and I need to allow myself to do that. From now on when I feel those urges I will put my phone on airplane mode. Therefore reducing the amount of stress I feel towards relationships I have. I feel baldy towards how I treated Selena this weekend but my being upset was reasonable and I’m sure she will understand. I can talk to Abby or her and find out more about how she was feeling and work to make it right. Not having class tomorrow should not be frightening. It is exactly what I need to catch up on late assignments such as my research essay. I may fail a few classes but I know that no matter how many years it takes I will get my degree. Arius took two years odd and the family is still proud of him, why would I not receive the same respect? I am good and I can improve. I am in a good place in my life and I need to embrace it. Although this weekend was disheartening many good things came out of it. I made new friends to help combat my fear of isolation. I wrote all my emotions out in an attempt to cope and I’m pretty sure it’s helping. I also finally flirted with Ericka and Kathryn like I always wanted to, whether or not they were each serious about there offers is still up to debate but or friendship was clearly not affected. I want to be friends with Maya. I become quickly frustrated with her lack of communication as I want to get to know her better as friends do but if I want her to open up harassing her and talking about myself are not the way to do it. You’ve got this Shay. Honestly, a lot of this negativity was probably brought on by your period so chipper up buttercup.

December 19th, 2020

It’s been over a year and I figured I might as well put a new entry here to juxtapose my last. I semi got over my commitment issues, I’ve been in a relationship for 7 months. However, this only happened after I destroyed one of my closest friendships as a result of my commitment issues. Maya introduced me to Tricia and we became really close and dated for awhile then I broke up with her, led her on after our break up and started dating Talia. I love Talia a lot but now that we are at 7 months I’m very unsure as to whether she feels the same. I want to escape. I want to move to a place that nobody knows and start over. The only thing I’m good at is running away. I want to runaway now. I am more depressed then I have been in a while. I scratched my arm up for the first time in a while. I want to die. Im trying so hard to see the positives lately but I just fucking can’t. I blame the pandemic. Although realistically only a small portion of this is a result of the pandemic and the rest is my untreated mental illness. I have so little motivation that (I’m aware this is gross) I haven’t changed my clothes, underwear included, in a week. Everything is so much harder than it should be and I wish I had someone to tell all these things but once again I’ve been cutting everyone out of my life and my girlfriends inability to open up to me has made me feel so guilty for telling her how I feel and I’ve reached the point where I can’t. I find it unlikely she would care anyways, she has too many other things to worry about. I have a note on my phone right now that is paragraphs long solely talking about how much I hate myself. I dropped out of university, I’m jobless and my life currently has no other meaning than to help people with tasks they could complete perfectly fine on their own. Writing has gotten so unbelievably difficult, nothing excites me. If I were to dissolve into a puddle I might feel content.