The Bachelorette Finale: King of My Heart
By: Marissa Driscoll
Tags: TV Series, Recaps, Television, The Bachelorette, TV Shows

Bachelor Nation,

The first ever quaran-season has finally drawn to a close. And dare I say it, after the slog that was the middle few episodes of Tayshia’s reign, this two-night finale was one of the most personally satisfying and tear-jerking in the show’s history. Could it be recency bias? Sure. Have I been metaphorically locked inside my apartment since March? Absolutely. But the ends justified the means this time and for that, I am forever grateful. Let’s go.

Night One: All You Had To Do Was Stay

The show picks up with Fantasy Suite dates on the horizon and, wouldn’t you know it, Ivan, Zac, and Brendan are all staying in the same suite and forced to confront that they’re all spending overnight time with Tayshia. These Bachelor producers have no shame. JoJo Fletcher, who is still hanging around the La Quinta after Chris returned from his sabbatical, arrives to briefly talk Tayshia through what happens during Fantasy Suite week. In a not at all shocking twist, none of them eat the bread basket that adorns their table. To balance the universe, I eat another slice of pizza.

Up first is Ivan, our sweet baby boy who deserves nothing less than a meadow full of daisies and a pile of puppies. And what does he get? An ice tub in pursuit of an absolutely made up world record. Fun fact: in order for a Guinness World Record to be set, a representative from the organization itself needs to be present — and Chris Harrison can’t be ordained to be one of those…so forgive me for the skepticism. This also proves that not every world record is worth setting.

So surely, they’d make it up to Ivan with a wonderful setting for his evening date with Tayshia…right? That’s a nope. Driving Derek Shepherd’s airstream from the archives of Grey’s Anatomy season two and onto the resort grounds, Tayshia and Ivan spend one final evening together in what is undoubtedly an echo-y space tube. He tells her he’s falling in love with her and she returns the sentiment, though I’m not feeling it between them. I think she loves him as a person, but not her person. Ultimately Ivan is too pure for this world, and we just have to wish him well.

The next date belongs to Zac, and it’s clear that they gave him the best shot possible. Spending the afternoon rolling around in body paint (a well-worn date for Bachelor in Paradise), Zac continues to earn points with every word he speaks. We don’t often see someone with his maturity on this show, and lemme tell ya, it is a welcomed shift.

At their evening date in front of a lovely mansion on the grounds (shots fired at the airstream), Zac tells Tayshia he loves her…and she says it back! This is a wonderful moment, and yet I cannot get past how Tayshia is sitting. Why is her right shoulder jacked up to her chin like a car getting a tire replaced? It’s a nit, but I feel a responsibility to pick it.

This cannot be comfortable.

Regardless of the rogue shoulder, as a Zac stan, this warms my cold dead heart. But as a longtime viewer, it’s concerning to see Tayshia say this to him so freely. We’ve seen this mistake made before (Arie and Ben Higgins have entered the chat), and I just need this curly-headed man to be okay at all times because otherwise my heart will not be able to make it.

…sorry for the dramatics. Did I mention we’ve been cooped up since March?

The final date belongs to Brendan who is distraught, to say the least. As we’ve heard him comment throughout the episode, he’s very apprehensive about proposing to Tayshia at the end of this. Naturally, the messiest producers in showbiz decide now’s the time to call in the big guns a few days early. Enter Neil Lane, nipped and tucked within an inch of his life, and a carton of his most bodacious diamond rings, halos aplenty. Brendan, ever the embodiment of an *internally screaming* meme, looks to be having a terror of a time while Tayshia tries on jewelry. Sure, they’re indoors, but judging by the amount of sweat pouring off Brendan, they might as well be staring directly into the Palm Springs sun.

Sure enough, at the evening portion of their date, Brendan hits the eject button and sends himself home. Citing a self-realization that he’s not ready for another engagement or commitment, he tells Tayshia there are things within him that are still broken and need to be addressed. While she’s clearly disappointed, Tayshia walks him to the Black SUV o’ Death. He blows her a kiss and rides off into the night, adding his name to another long line of first one-on-one dates who don’t go the distance. Faretheewell, Brendan. May your mock turtlenecks fulfill their dreams of becoming a real boy as the weather turns colder.

Bringing some solace to Tayshia and more beauty to our screens, the Rose Ceremony is preceded by all-time great Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay with much needed sage wisdom to the current lead. Getting the download on her journey to date, Rachel tells Tayshia to make sure she’s taking her time and thinking it all through. And yet, even after all that hard work, a shock is sent through our systems in the form of yet another unwelcome return.

You and me both, Rose. Like…why you gotta come back?

BEN IS BACK. Ben, First of His Name, Wearer of Scoop Necks, Show-er of Excessive Clavicle, Father of the World’s Tightest Pants. That’s right — yet another of Tayshia’s men popped his head out of the ground like that gopher terrorist in Caddyshack. This group has been operating like a season of Lost. Unless you see the body buried, prepare for that character to make an untimely re-entry into the season precisely when everything seems settled.

Night Two: Paper Rings

The final episode picks up with Ben’s dramatic return, and Tayshia’s continuing struggle with how to react. Does she let him in? Should she freeze him out? We don’t have to wait long for a resolution — she opts to bring him to the Rose Ceremony, and as she leaves him at her door, she leans in for a kiss. Lord have mercy this is NOT what you or this man need right now, Tayshia! Naturally, we see two sides of the same coin in their respective interviews: Ben, on an absolute high, taking the kiss to mean something good; and Tayshia, panicked and wondering why she’d kissed him. Ah, the trials and tribulations of dating multiple men. Wish I could say I relate. And yet, I’m glad I don’t.

At the Rose Ceremony, before a single flower is touched, Tayshia asks for time with Ivan — never a good sign. Sure enough, Tayshia opts to send Ivan home away from the rest of the group, which I’m guessing made him wish his mock turtleneck would turn into a real boy and cover his face. In a curious turn, Tayshia cites “religious differences” as the chief reason for their split. Ivan even says he “knew” this would blow everything up between them, and it did. Here’s the problem — we didn’t see any reference to this conversation. Not even in a lazy way in an interview where Tayshia would express hesitation with Ivan. Not a single peep. While almost everyone on this show is an implied Christian, is Ivan a devout follower of the God warrior? Does he subscribe to pastafarianism? THE PEOPLE MUST KNOW!

I still watch these clips on YouTube more than 10 years later and it is ENJOYABLE.

And then there were two — Zac and Ben. Truly a wild turn of events to have Ben back in the fold, but I’m pleased to say while his pants miraculously got tighter, his shirts and their necklines have decided to adhere to gravity and hold their shape. ’Tis a Christmas miracle.

It’s finally time for Tayshia’s family to make their long awaited appearance. Blissfully, this included her majestic brother Bryce who made his debut in a grand meme fashion when he was displeased with Colton’s general presence and behavior during Tayshia’s first stint with the franchise.

Ben is up first, and he proudly announces that Tayshia dumped him and yet he’s still here. A strange declaration, even though it’s true. Ultimately, Ben’s visit goes fine. There’s nothing remarkable or unremarkable about it. However, Tayshia’s dad remained apprehensive. In typical dad fashion, he comes in hot with some sage advice, and earns our Quote of the Week.

Desmond Sr.: “I don’t want you to have to work so hard to get somebody to be on the same page as you.”

Tattoo this onto the inside of your eyelids, folks. It’s already at least Top 5 in Bachelor Franchise Advice.

Zac arrives the next day for his time with Tayshia’s family, and to say it goes well is an understatement. The man is wildly sincere in his intentions, and it’s clear he impresses her family.

But Desmond Sr. isn’t done just yet. Before her final dates with both men, he swings by Tayshia’s room and, based on the edited conversation we see, basically RuPaul’s her within an inch of her Bachelorette life. God willing he actually gave her more open direction and conversation in the full talk they had because otherwise that is heckin’ messy, pops.

Basically Tayshia’s dad

I understand why he did this — no parent wants to see their child hurt. But if therapy has taught me anything, it’s that no one can be kept in bubble wrap and saved from all hurt and pain in their lives. Sometimes you need to let adults make their own decisions with all the information available to them, and send them on their way.

On the heels of this confronting conversation, Tayshia attends her final date with Zac. She’s clearly distracted throughout the full dance class, and yet Zac isn’t phased. He tries to keep her grounded and present, showing how he can be there for her in the most frustrating of situations. Later that evening, Zac can tell she’s feeling tense about something, and he simply asks how he can help. That’s a man, folks. Whew! Tayshia, thankfully, unloads her stress onto Zac, who has incredible perspective on all her trigger points. He tells her he’s nine years sober that very day (YAY ZAC GO ZAC!) and says that his sobriety’s importance in his life is immeasurable as it allows him not to run away and actually face life as it happens. This man is GOOD, you guys. As they close out the night, Zac tells her again and again how much he loves her, and in her interviews, Tayshia says, “I love Zac Clark.” I didn’t know how much I needed this love story until this very moment.

The next day, it’s supposed to be time for her last date with Ben. And yet (in the SAME DRESS she wore having her conversation with her father, might I add — this season has been riddled with continuity errors), she pulls a Groundhog Day and sends him home again. Thankfully, he accepts this outcome, noting that when you love someone, you only want the best for them. He drags his own bags to the Black SUV O’ Death and rides home with some good therapy fodder. I don’t think he’ll adhere to this advice, but here’s hoping Ben does some serious soul searching far away from any future Bachelor franchise shows. It won’t happen because something tells me he’ll fall for Hannah Ann in Paradise, but hey — a girl can dream.

With Ben’s departure, that means Tayshia’s heart is Zac’s for the taking. He visits Neil Lane to pick out an engagement ring, and Tayshia puts on her final rose ceremony dress that has some seriously questionable design choices happening in the back. The front is gorgeous, but this has big “business in the front, party in the back energy” and I am not a fan.

Nothing you wear for your engagement should look like an enhanced image of the laces on Nike Dunks.

Tayshia clearly seems stressed and overwhelmed as she approaches Chris Harrison for a final conversation, but she tells him she’s ready and hopes she made the right decision.

Zac arrives and, truly, I’m ready to declare this now — best proposal speech in Bachelor franchise history. His emotional maturity really shone through and I just love the guy. Naturally, as is near tradition, Tayshia begins a beautiful speech telling Zac how wonderful he is and how happy he makes her, before throwing in the requisite “but” and nearly giving the poor man a stroke. She tells him it’s more than love for her, and reiterates her feelings with even more fervor. He proposes and she tearfully accepts, which genuinely brought me to tears. I’m just in an emotionally fragile place these days, okay?! They ride off into the sunset in the cardboard New York City taxi from their “hometown” date, and my Grinch-y heart bursts into a million pieces.