Growing Pains…
By: Danny Browne
Tags: Adhd, Masculinity, Penguins, Frustration, Addiction

The hard part about addiction is that it is completely all encompassing and despite being omni-present the effect on others is entirely dependent on the receivers relationship to the addict and addiction. What the fk am I talking about? I’m glad you asked.

During my drinking career, it was not unheard of to find me head down on a bar, slumped in a chair or asleep in a taxi. Coming off second best in my latest skirmish with the enemy was sadly par for the course. If Eurovision did drinking, I would be Great Britain…Nil Poi. So to take the example of me being head down on a bar, there are various players involved who will of course have a varying reactions to the situation.

There was my partner, I am ashamed to say that I put my addiction before more than one person. And there is not a day that goes past where I don’t regret the pain I have caused others. I often wonder if hearing that “it wasn’t personal” makes things better or worse…it’s a hard one.

Addiction land is full of sayings, one liners, things you can remember. One of the best for me is “you can only do the next right thing” and I hope that in doing so I can demonstrate that I have at least, reflected, learnt and grown from mistakes of old. (I’ll be honest, I would probably shop around for a different lawyer if that was the compensation on offer) but the jury is out on how best to make amends. It does bother me.

Back to my night out, whilst I am oblivious to the situation my likely sober enough to remember (there is a part of me that thinks this is underhand), partner is acutely aware of the situation and so experiences a high level of anxiety and logs the incident in their trauma bank to helpfully reappear at a later date.

The next character(s) are friends, reactions to the incident will vary from “were you even there that night?, I passed out on my doorstep with my face in a kebab” to “dude we were scared for your safety, we had to get you home…”

Now here is the tricky part. When you wake up, unaware of the previous nights festivities, you awaken to what I can best describe as a murder mystery night.

Everybody is playing a part, and you, the drunkard, is forced to ask probing questions to assess the severity of peoples displeasure and their proximity to your location the night before. The conversation usually starts along the same lines (drunkard)“how did you end up last night?” followed by nervous milliseconds of silence, whilst awaiting the verdict. The response to this simple question can often provide key evidence for working out to whom you owe an apology and who was in the same boat as you.

The safe position, and one often adopted by this addict, is to assume wrongdoing and work backwards. At worst I had covered my *ss, but, when the stars align I could cheat death, and advance towards the good books. On occasion just as I could smell freedom, I would be brought back down to earth by the words “what are you sorry for?” After a suitable pause, a sheepish look at my feet, and finally, muttering something almost inaudible. I would physically prepare oncoming onslaught.

In all seriousness that is grossly unfair, people have been very kind in their treatment of my addictive behaviours. I haven’t come away unscathed but I am grateful that people have been able to see positive things in me that I have not always been capable of displaying.

Long story long, as time passes this sketch plays out so often that eventually both parties morph into their respective characters. The addict playing Dennis the Menace whilst the partner oscillates between mother and policewoman as the situation warrants. For the most part, in my experience, both parties gravitate towards these roles naturally. I suspect that is in some part the reason for the attraction. And with both actors being well cast, it can be very hard to put your home clothes back on and behave in an appropriate manner.

This is the hard bit about getting sober, the journey in has been filled with promises unkept, dashed hopes and false positives (now that we all understand stats so much better). So it is very tricky to negotiate your way out and convince people that this is a different path. Also, and this is particularly prevalent if the addict has a long history with someone, the dynamics in that relationship are pretty well entrenched. And, people don’t like change.

I have, and continue to have, amazing support and friendships, and, I am truly blessed by the people I have met throughout my 35 yrs (last week btw). Prior to now, that statement was always a very easy one to make, I have never really thought much of myself, so this really is a case of the tallest dwarf when I say I am blessed. But, as time passes, and my excel lectures go by, and I get some DIY lessons under my belt, I am slowly but surely beginning to find solid ground upon which I can stand. I am also starting to see what drives me and what stimulates me. And so conversely why things have a negative impact.

I remain terrified of rejection, and hypersensitive to criticism. I will concede that this is not the strongest of launchpads. But it is never going to be perfect. I just have to make sure it doesn’t derail me. I find working things out both intellectually stimulating and rewarding, which explains why when I cannot work things out, I feel such a strong sense of failure, disappointment, and low self worth. Which has taken such a massive toll this year.

And so armed with my fresher perspective, and newly developed sense of self, I am finding it very hard when my interactions with people feel outdated. Essentially, for their own emotional protection, they are very wary of allowing themselves to believe that you will do it this time. I get it. And being honest, I would take a very similar stance. But addicts are very much like teenagers, if you treat them like children, then you are very likely to get a nasty shock, or worse still, reap what you sow.

Be it through ADHD, Addiction, personal failings or as I like to think (everyone else’s fault), I have failed to cope with life. For some reason, other people seem to find life a little bit more manageable. I just haven’t found the right cypher.

But I do feel I am making headway towards doing so, and I feel that if things were to go wrong, at the very least I have a much better personal auditing capacity.

A changing of personal dynamics is never comfortable for anyone, it feels weird and unfamiliar. But unless I break the relationship patterns of giving people superiority, over me, it is hard to see how I won’t end up in the same place.

My newest metaphor I use to describe this, involves the Titanic and the iceberg. Smart people see what is below the water, prepare and act accordingly. The herd sees the tip, panics but cant comprehend the real problem. Me…sod the iceberg, its the bloody penguin on top giving me the eyes.

It’s very hard for me to even recognise and therefore prepare for life’s problems when people occupy the role of the penguin.