Reflections on a Failed 30-day Challenge
By: Meg Panozzo
Tags: Failure, Personal Growth, Comfort Zone, Writing, Growth

I want to tell you about a challenge I created for myself, and the story about how I failed it.

This year I had penciled in a goal to do NaNoWriMo. For those of you who don’t know what it is, it’s a writing challenge: to write 50,000 words in the month of November; essentially a novel. By the time October rolled around I knew that I didn’t want to write a novel — well not now, anyway (winky face) — but I wanted to do some kind of writing challenge. I love challenges; I love having a framework to help push me outside of whatever comfort zone I’m in. I’m ready for my next level of writing.

This year I also came to terms with the existence of my perfectionism. When I spent a day staring at a simple blog post, unsure what I was even trying to say, I realised my perfectionism was a huge obstacle to my growth as a writer. It was holding me back, big time. I would get lost in the voice of the Inner Critic to a point where I couldn’t even make sense of what I was reading back to myself. It’s infuriating and crippling, and so I decided that I wanted to push myself to get through this obstacle and do a publishing challenge. I wanted to post to either my blog, to Medium, or to LinkedIn at least thirty times in November.

October 31: I was so pleased with myself. I finally felt like I was overcoming the self-limiting behaviours that were stopping me from sharing my thoughts and ideas and digging deep into my writing.

At the start of November everything was going swimmingly. I found myself focused and noticed the times when I was holding myself back. Chuffed was an understatement.

But then the first falter happened: I missed a day.

Then another.

And suddenly, it was nearly the end of November, and I hadn’t posted anything in over a week, and I was wondering what had happened. Did I get lost in a time vortex?

Instead of hiding from the fact that I didn’t finish what I promised myself, I want to face it, dissect it, and learn from it.

The biggest takeaway I’ve had from this entire process is how valuable it is to reflect on why something didn’t work. It would have been easy to just forget about the whole thing, and start again in January when I had more energy, but that’s not how we learn.

Preface: being gentle with ourselves

I wondered if you might read this and hear the Inner Critic in my words, or if you might wonder if I’m berating myself. I want to assure you that I’m not. I might have done so, in a past life, but these days I am coming from a place of self-compassion and kindness. I’m approaching this learning opportunity through the lens of curiosity, patience, and gentleness: the challenge I set didn’t work, so I can now look back and see what I can learn from the experience. Whenever you are reviewing your own progress, be kind to yourself. Be gentle.

It all started from a seed of self-doubt

In hindsight, it was inevitable that I wouldn’t finish the challenge because I started from a place of self-doubt. I looked at the schedule I had created and every reason for it to be impossible (it was too much work, I was already tired, I didn’t have enough time) bombarded my consciousness. I started without belief, and that was crippling.

I know the difference between what is unrealistic and impractical and what is just a bundle of nerves as I embark on something new. It was a little unrealistic to expect a rigorous publishing schedule, but I had purposefully set this stretch goal. The problem? I listened to the voice of self-doubt instead of the voice of self-empowerment.

Key takeaway: Consciously decide if you want to set a stretch goal or a realistic goal, and then believe in yourself once you have made the decision.

Scheduling writing time

I am guilty of only wanting to write when I’m inspired or when I feel like it. That isn’t how to get to your next level in anything. I realised that I need to sit down and do the work, regardless of whether I am inspired or not. I also realised the absolute need for a structure and system that supports me, which includes dedicated time through the week to sit down and write and think.

Key takeaway: Plan your time and protect it viciously, and set up systems that support you in your art.

Figuring out what is right for me

The conventional advice about how to grow a blog or a presence online is to post daily, or more than that, even. It’s an astonishing amount of content to produce, every single day. I’m not sure if we’ve paused to question this, but I know for sure that it is not for me. Not only is it impractical with the hours I dedicate to my engineering work and other hobbies, but to me it also means I can’t deepen my thinking or master my craft. I realised that my “next level” of writing is not about volume or quantity, it’s about depth, clarity and articulation. I want to learn how to practice this craft and pursue mastery.

Without attempting this challenge though, and tipping myself out towards the edges of my comfort zone, I wouldn’t be able to experiment and try something new. I’m still looking for the right balance that is more than what I’m currently publishing but is less than “hustle”. That’s ok. I can be patient while I figure it out.

Key takeaway: Doing what is right for you is more important than following the crowd, but sometimes you have to experiment or seek advice as to what “right” is.

Will I give it another go?

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and expecting a different result, and so the theory of giving it a go, of trying and trying again, is not always good advice. Instead, I want to take these lessons, transform the challenge a little, and then give it a go again.

It might not be the same rules, and it might not be the same goal. The outcome I’m seeking, though, is to quieten my perfectionist so that I can help you with my words, and to grow as a writer. That’s all. These challenges are simply a tool to help me with that, and so really, I could say I have succeeded. I’ve succeeded because I have grown, and I have learned more about myself, and I have started to deepen my writing and thinking.

Key Takeaway: don’t try and try again without reflecting. Pivot, adapt and change to take on board what you learn.

As I finish writing this, I wonder if I set myself up to fail on purpose, because I learned so much more in this process than if I had easily finished the challenge. Maybe, I actually succeeded.

Or maybe, the words “failure” and “success” don’t actually matter.