Dear Evan, Don’t Give Up On Jesus
By: Michelle Wuesthoff
Tags: Religion, Jesus, Faith, Christianity

Dear Evan,

Thank you so much for reaching out. Like I said, it’s humbling to be asked such an intensely meaningful and personal question. I didn’t want to give you a trite reply, so I took some time to think on it and give it the proper response it deserves. You asked for resources, and I do have a list I can personally recommend. If you don’t mind, I’d like to give them a little context and share some thoughts with you in regards to your dilemma.

I promise I’ll try not to toss out any platitudes or use Scripture to guilt or manipulate you. A lot of Christians do that when they don’t know what to say to someone hurting, and it’s not helpful or kind. I invite you to call out any BS if you see it in my response.

Let me start by saying that I see you. I don’t know you or what your experiences have been, but I acknowledge your struggle, your pain, your dilemma, and the sincerity of your heart that is so apparent in your reaching out. To be totally honest, I have had thoughts too of “walking away” because I’m still so hurt and disillusioned by what I’ve experienced (directly and indirectly) at the hands of other Christians. Every which way I turn, and in all the ways I’ve tried to maintain a relationship with Jesus, I’ve been struggling with anger, bitterness, and not wanting to be like “one of them.” Maybe you understand what I mean by that. But all the usual ways, contexts, and constructs of how to go about having that relationship all seem so hollow now. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in the midst of grieving and realized you hadn’t eaten all day and you’re incredibly hungry, but the sadness is so overwhelming you just can’t. It feels like that.

I’ve been deconstructing my faith for the past five years, trying to separate out who God is apart from his followers, and what I believe apart from what I’ve been taught in church. That’s not to suggest either of those things have been all bad. Not in the slightest. I’ve experienced both the greatest love and the greatest hurt within my church, and I’ve learned both foundational truth and complete nonsense there as well. Though I would not choose to return to that church, I am incredibly grateful for all the good things I’ve received while I was there.

I’ve struggled a whole lot with the teachings of the Evangelical church since then, especially those that are either not in the Bible at all or are loose and skewed interpretations of them. But here is one that jumped out at me while I’ve been thinking about your question:

There’s no mention in the Bible of having “a personal relationship with Jesus,” but I think that is a teaching that is spot-on, and what you and I and countless others have experienced is exactly why it’s critical.

We are not God; He is completely other than and above us in all ways. If our faith in and relationship with God is to survive and flourish, it has to do so apart from other people. That’s not to say other people aren’t a necessary part of our faith journey, but they are a part, not the whole of it. God is (or should be) the only constant.

Interestingly, your question caught me off guard and in doing so, allowed a little of the passion I’ve buried to bubble up again.

Don’t walk away, Evan. Your punk rock Jesus (I smile trying to imagine what that means to you) is still the same Jesus you fell in love with. His essence does not change. How He manifests or relates to us often does, depending on where we’re at. That’s one of the things I love most about Him. He comes to us in the ways we can best recognize and receive Him — tailored perfectly to our unique personalities and situations. You can see evidence of that throughout the entire Bible, and it is precisely because His people were so far off track, desperate, and hopeless that He chose human form, so they (we) could see without a doubt who God was. And He came to you as punk rock Jesus for reasons only you and He understand. That’s how precious you are to Him.

Now, I don’t ascribe as much to the devil as I did when I was part of the Evangelical church, but I do believe he’s real and is ultimately the source of all evils. I think it fits nicely into his diabolical plan that God’s own people would be responsible for turning others against Him, or at the very least, losing the special relationship they once had with God. I don’t say that to throw guilt your way, but I feel like, at least in my own case, it makes sense.

There are many good resources out there to help you sort out your thoughts, feelings, and faith. You will always find good arguments against believing in God, and you won’t have to look hard to find them. But I think your heart and spirit are telling you otherwise, and the Spirit Himself whispers the same. I don’t know who you know or what kind of style speaks best to you, so I’ll give you my favorite resources and tell you why I love them:

1. C.S. Lewis: ANYTHING HE’S WRITTEN. Seriously, he’s my all-time favorite. He’s brilliant, rational, genuine, and approachable. If you haven’t read it, Mere Christianity is probably the best defense of faith ever written — it might be just what you need right now. The Great Divorce is also an incredibly insightful story (as well as a quick read) about heaven and hell and the choices people make…and is nothing like the stuff that is preached on street corners. I think I’ve read it at least four times.

2. Henri J.M. Nouwen: If you don’t know him, Nouwen was a Dutch Catholic priest who, at one time, was a professor at Yale and went on to devote his life to living and caring for severely disabled adults in France and Canada. His writing is deeply intimate and personal, and encountering that outside Evangelical circles was a balm to my wounded soul. He wrote Life of the Beloved for his close friend who wasn’t a Christian, and I think you’d like that one. The Inner Voice of Love was probably the best thing I read during the worst part of my life.

3. My book, Grafted In: Leading Your Orphan Heart to the Spirit of Adoption. It isn’t just a shameless plug, because I really believe what I’ve written. Through my experience of raising and working with hundreds of orphaned children and adults, I’ve come to see that’s how most of us do life and function — like orphans rather than sons and daughters. My book helps you rebuild broken foundations and gives you actual steps you can take to draw near to the Father and reclaim your identity.

4. Rachel Held Evans: Faith Unraveled, Searching for Sunday, and Inspired. Rachel was probably the Queen of Deconstuction. Smart, funny, brutally honest, and perceptive.

5. The Evolving Faith Podcast: In their words, “this is a podcast for the wanderers, the misfits, and the spiritual refugees to let you know you are not alone.”

6. The Puddcast: Jonathan Puddle is an author and pastor who’s voice and perspective I trust. I know him through mutual friends, and he’s the real deal. He has interviewed pretty much all the heavy-hitters, but in a decidedly different way. His topics are challenging, personal, and introspective, with an honesty, authenticity, and gentleness that is so needed right now. My husband and I are currently working through his new devotional, You Are Enough.

7. For the Love podcast: Jen Hatmaker is deep, hilariously funny, and has personally encountered massive backlash from Evangelicals for her support of the LGBTQ+ community, among other things. She’s one of the few popular Christian “celebrities” I actually love and follow, because she seems to be as real as they come.

8. The Chosen: It’s a YouTube TV show you access through an app, and this series filled a huge hole for me. It’s an intelligent, insightful, and multicultural portrayal of Jesus and his disciples, focusing on “the chosen”…the relatable, imperfect people he built his ministry upon. There are eight episodes in the first season, and I’m anxiously awaiting the second. I absolutely HATE Christian movies (God’s Not Dead, et. al) but this one is in a class by itself. You won’t be disappointed.

There are, of course, so many more options than the ones I’ve shared, but again, these are my favorites.

Life is hard and complicated right now, but I take at least some small solace in knowing it always has been. Humanity, people of God included, has always been messed up. But God remains the same, and there is incredible hope, not only in His goodness and love for us, but also in that He always seems to have hope in us, too. Yes, we are helpless and hopeless without Him, but God has a crazy confidence and hope in us — which leads me to believe everything will work out in the end. And in the end, I do believe with every fiber of my being that our lives (and how we live them) matter. We are hardwired for God, which is why the overwhelming majority of people from the dawn of creation believe in one. And there is no God like Jesus. Not even close. No God anywhere or at any time is defined by sacrificial love towards the people He’s created, except for Jesus Christ.

Yes, the church, especially here in the States, is collapsing on itself. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s part of God’s plan to draw us closer to Him in a better, holier, more personal way. I have no idea what the practice of my faith is going to look like in the future, but my hunch is that it will be continually evolving. I think God’s ok with that, because if I know anything about God, what matters most is the inclination of my heart and life towards Him. That genuine inclination will shape my life to look like His.

Evan, punk rock Jesus is real and He’s yours. Nothing can take that away from you. Keep wrestling out your faith like Jacob looking for his blessing. He surely won’t let you go.

Michelle