Twitter Mob Cancels Saint Nick
By: Don Feazelle
Tags: Animal Rights, Cancel Culture, Santa Claus, Humor, Fake News

100,000 tweeters respond to the call to cancel Santa Claus.

The cause to cancel Claus began when Karen Sycamore, 32 of Buffalo, New York, became outraged over the content of the classic Christmas book The Night Before Christmas.

While browsing through holiday cookbooks, her two children, Ashley, age six, and Jasper, four, looked at the Children’s book on a table next to her. Ashley ran up to her with the offensive material in hand. After browsing the book, she told the children, “Go return the book to the pile from where you found it. Mommy already ordered you a Christmas book which includes a doll called The Elf on the Shelf.”

Outraged over the picture she saw in The Night Before Christmas, Karen later posted on her Facebook page,

I try to stay holiday neutral and respect the diversity of the various holidays celebrated at this time of the year. So, I picked out several books one for each holiday: Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Saturnalia, and Kwanza. I had already ordered the children an illustrated Christmas story. The children came to me with this profane book. At first I thought, “How safe and fun.” While thumbing through the cute little book, I was shocked. My shock turned to outrage when I saw Santa’s mistreatment of his eight tiny reindeer. With glee on his face, Santa cracked his whip at those poor creatures. Now Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen looked absolutely terrified.

Ms. Sycamore contacted People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, known as PETA. They informed Ms. Sycamore to provide actual pictures or video footage. This would give weight to her cause.

She went to the local public library to find the book with the damning evidence and checked the last copy. Karen provided photocopies to PETA’s legal team.

Ahead of the legal proceedings, PETA staged a demonstration at the closest settlement to the North Pole. Traveling to Longyearbyen on Spitsbergen Island, in Norway’s Svalbard archipelago, a team of protesters demonstrated against Santa Claus. The protesters held signs denouncing Santa Claus and his many aliases: Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, Sinter Klaus, and Popo Gigo, to name just a few.

Several protestors were hospitalized for exposure.

One of the locals commented, “This time of the year, protesting nude in Longyearbyen is never a prudent thing.”

A PETA spokesperson assured us the animal rights crusaders were released after treatment for frostbite and mild hypothermia. One unnamed protestor lost one little piggie that went to the market.

The law firm of Hough and Pough representing Ms. Sycamore has filed suit against Santa. Ms. Sycamore gave as evidence several VHS tapes with footage of Claus’ misdeeds. Ian Hough, the lead on the case, pointed out that footage from the Santa Clause movie franchise as evidence would be costly. After reviewing the evidence, Ian Hough replied, “Ma’am, these are fictional movies. If Disney even sniffs a lawsuit, there’s a team of lawyers that will keep us in litigation for decades.”

Ever vigilant, Karen spoke with several store managers about removing all Santa Clause items from the stores. Though many of the managers ensured action, she has yet to hear back from one. Santa Claus still fills the stores.

She was banned from several shopping malls after assaulting the mall’s Santa Claus.

In desperation, Karen Sycamore tweeted on Twitter the cancel Claus cause. So far, 100,000 tweeters have tweeted to cancel the animal abusing “twit” — their word.

Asked if anyone has threatened her because of her cause against Claus, Karen responded, “Yes! A hacker who goes by Krampus and has an Avatar of half-goat, half-demon has stalked me on the internet. He has made my life miserable with his threats against me. Krampus says he is coming for me. The homeowners association has doubled security at our gated community.”

The Interpol Cyber Division has traced his IP Address to somewhere in Scandinavia. “We have yet to pinpoint his location. The IP Address appears to originate miles below the earth’s crust. Never seen anything like it.

An anonymous spokes-elf stated, Santa is too busy to address this nonsense right now. He will be available after the holidays.

Never one to be outdone, the Editor and Chief, the Old Toad, claims PETA contacted him concerning accusations of toad abuse at the Whole Toad News Service. He claims they claim exploitation of amphibians.

The Old Toad Croaked, “These are false allegations by CNN, FOX, MSNBC, and the nightly news to discredit the integrity of the world's foremost fake new service.”

The PETA Spokesperson responded, “We have never heard of the Whole Toad News Service. What kind of idiot would name their news organization the Whole Toad News Service?”

Story to follow: Karen Sycamore is charged with assault and battery against store Claus and violation of the city’s social distancing ordinances.

The Whole Toad News Service — unapologetically creating the news since 2016.