Adam John Foss: a Virus in the System
Tags: Metoo, Reform, Criminal Justice, Feminism, Women

D: Anonymous

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was so mortified that I ran to urgent care, terrified that I had contracted a disease from someone I thought I could trust.

The night before, I had agreed to meet him at a bar after he had texted me the week prior, “can we meet up later to talk.” I thought nothing of it. I thought that I was getting closure of what I thought was a clean break. Little did I know that that conversation would affect my life in the worst way possible.

I met Adam Foss at an event I was working for at a local prestigious institute. He was there to moderate a conversation about a colleague’s latest book. Before the event, I read up and watched Adam’s TED talk. I was impressed and excited to meet someone who seemed to be “making moves” in the criminal justice reform movement. Before the talk, I had a brief conversation with Adam about my background working in criminal justice.

Later that summer I was working another event for the fellowship and that was when Adam really started noticing me. He pulled me aside and picked up the conversation where we left off. He seemed so genuine and concerned about his work and the people it was impacting. After the day’s programming, some folks decided to hang out at the hotel bar where they were all staying. He sat close to me so he could hold my leg or lower back. We talked all night and exchanged numbers, and then he left for Miami the next morning.

The following week we went on our first date, and I felt as if Adam wanted to get to know me on a deeper level and not just get me to bed. I was excited to get to know him. I remember thinking, “wow this very established man that is 15 years my senior seems to really like me.”

After that one date, our conversations turned quickly into sexting. I was dealing with some personal things with family and found comfort in speaking with Adam. He was easy to talk to and always had the right things to say. He would very last minute ask me to jump on a plane and meet him at whatever state he was in for a talk. I was flattered, but never took him up on those offers as I had a 9–5 job that didn’t allow me the luxury of calling out. He would call me names like “babe” “bb” “my love” and “my lover.” He shared things about himself that I assumed were hard to talk about; depression, personal family issues, and how much he felt overwhelmed by his work. I felt bad for him and made sure to be there for him anytime he needed someone to talk to.

I didn’t see him much. Adam seemed to always be traveling and only home briefly do laundry and pack for his next trip. The next time I saw him was after a day of traveling. He showed up at my door very late wanting to spend the night. After sexting so much I assumed that it would be the first time we would have sex. I would later regret this decision.

I started to question his intentions. The vast majority of our conversations were sexting or him talking about his struggles. I asked him if he was ever going to sit down and have an actual conversation and whether or not he wanted to pursue anything with me. He reassured me that we would hang out and talk.

The next day, Adam invited me to his house to “work from home.” While in the middle of a work call, he texted me “get in bed and get naked.” I thought I had come over to work from home and talk about what I thought was a relationship. We had sex that afternoon. I intended to address the topic of our “relationship” but we went from having sex to a full-blown therapy session. Adam quickly became depressed. He talked about his deep level of sadness and how it seemed to be getting worse. I put my feelings to the side and comforted him.

The next time I inquired about our relationship status, he said that because of his travel schedule we hadn’t had the chance to really get to know each and that because of that he couldn’t make the decision to make things long term. I thought to myself, how could he have thought so little of our relationship? I stopped sexting him and sending pictures and would text him less and less. He started to pick up on my absence and asked why I was not reaching out. I told him that I didn’t want to get hurt and was just trying to protect myself. Adam continuously reached out to say he missed me.

Almost two months passed before I saw him again. This time, at another event. I went thinking that it would rekindle things. It did but it didn’t take long for him to try to sext, groom, and lie again. After that I tried to move on and stop talking to him.

Months later, Adam texted me out of the blue: “can we meet up later to talk.” I assumed he wanted to tell me why things didn’t work out. He showed up looking a lot different. He looked disheveled, and physically beat. I felt myself feeling bad for him again. He talked about his struggles over the previous months and why he couldn’t commit to a relationship. He told me I should take an emotional intelligence test because of how mature I was for my age.

Then the conversation took a turn.

Adam started talking about the #MeToo movement and why he couldn’t be an advocate. How he felt pressure from others to speak on such a movement. He told me he’s used women to get ahead and felt awful about it. THEN, in a very passing way he said “you should get tested.” I stopped him and asked, “get tested for what?” to which he casually responded with “it’s nothing really. I’m sure you don’t have it.” And he told me that he knew he had an STD when we first had sex and neglected to tell me.

My stomach turned and my mind began racing. All I could think after was Adam had given me an STD and I would now have to explain this to the person I was seeing. I was freaking out and needed to leave immediately.

The next day I went to urgent care shaking and scared that I had stupidly allowed myself to be in this situation. I had gotten tested before Adam and was in the clear. I sat anxiously hoping to have the same outcome this time around.

While waiting to be called in by the nurse, I got a text from Adam thanking me for the conversation the night before and asking what I had been doing. I told him that I was sitting in urgent care waiting to get blood work done and his response was “that’s good. you’re fine but it’s good you’re there.” I texted him saying he should have been up front from the start about his STD status. His response was “WE should have been more responsible… WE should have asked questions… as your friend, just don’t assume.”

I went into the patient room and a nurse came in and asked what I was in for. On the verge of tears, I said “ a guy I had been having intercourse with told me last night that he could’ve given me an STD, so I want to get tested for everything because I have no idea what he could’ve possibly given to me.” I was shaking in anger and fear that I had contracted a disease and that I was being punished for something that was not my fault.

A week later, he came to my work holiday party unannounced. I was at a table talking with colleagues. I turned around and was met face-to-face with Adam. I made up an excuse and walked away. I spent the entire night hiding and waiting for him to leave. The level of entitlement, and selfishness it must have taken for him to show up disgusted me. How could he think it’s okay to show up to the party unannounced and enjoy himself at MY work holiday party after all of the pain and guilt he caused me.

I wanted nothing to do with him. I gave myself over to someone who didn’t care for my well-being and tossed me aside like I was nothing but a temporary fling.

For years I’ve struggled with feeling confident in my own skin and trusting anyone I find myself dating. I’ve struggled with my sexuality. I’m guarded.