Narcissism, validation, and constellations of mental illness
By: Cleo Mcmurchadh
Tags: Autism, PTSD, Bpd, Borderline Personality, Bipolar Disorder

CW/TW not really necessary, but this is a healthy dollop of examination and insight into an aspect of the human condition. CONDITIONS DISCUSSED: BPD, bipolar, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and divergent perception. There are some folks I know who can get some real positivity from it, but I am NOT about to put a target on anyone’s back by tagging them, so: if you have a lovely constellation of emotional and behavioral issues that make being you hard to figure out, well…this might help.

I’LL PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK FOR THIS ONE DEPT:

Once in a while, you get an insight that makes an actual difference. Now, ostensibly I am telling you this because it could be helpful if you know someone who is, or are yourself, in the same position. But listen, the ironic-in-a-snerky-way thing here is that by posting this, I’m pretty well indulging in said behavior, so is it irony or is it meta? Susan?

Someone was telling me last night that they were afraid they were narcissistic because of this and that and they didn’t want to be a narcissist. I said, okay, you do have traits that seem to be narcissism, but — you also have compassion and kindness, and you often put other people before you, and you sacrifice for the benefits of others, and narcissists don’t do that. Oh, sure, degrees of behavior and all, but in general, narcissists don’t put other people first unless they get something out of it, and I told them, that’s not you. You genuinely care for other people’s well-being before your own, even when there is no significant benefit for you.

What they have is a combination of behaviors that *mimic* narcissism. In the first place, BPD, which is a primo source of obsessive behavior; add to that bipolar, which aggravates BPD and can make its drama longer-lasting while at the same time making a person terribly self-aware. On top of that, generalized anxiety, clinical depression, and PTSD, all of which make that bipolar/BPD combination more raw and more profound AND harder to make sense of. And like that sundae needed a cherry, the person I was talking to is autistic, which we know is primarily an information-processing divergence that leads a person to make assessments and come to conclusions that non-divergent people won’t even consider.

All together, because these things are never ever constant (thank you, genetics plus environment), the person with all this going on is hyper-aware at all times that they don’t fit in with *any* social group except the weird kids (hand up). The whole package mimics narcissism because the sufferer needs and seeks out almost constant validation as a way of combatting the also-almost-constant inner chaos. In essence, until a person is able to make all their inner mismatched puzzle parts somehow work together — and let’s be honest, most people with this toxic brew of issues don’t, at least not until they have years of experience — they seek validation for a coherent self that doesn’t and may never exist.

So after having this insight and describing it to the person looking for said validation, you think there was a match’s chance in Niflheim that girl didn’t see that in herself?

Yeah. That valuable insight, which I was saying in realtime as it formulated in my 4.5 pounds of jello between my ears, my dog’s breakfast, made my eyes pop and jaw drop a bit as soon as it was said because, yeah, I’ve been saying for I dunno how many years that I believe I am a narcissist, but lovely and caring people have said the same thing to me about why that isn’t true — because girl thinks of others first, puts others first, has genuine compassion and kindness, and has real empathy. (Empathy being a developed trait of hyper-awareness, NOT a psychic trait, which fits right into the profile described above.)

Yep. Girl isn’t a narcissist. I have a complex profile of mental illnesses and toxic experiences, combined with divergent perception, that in toto mimics narcissism. I seek validation often, maybe almost constantly, though I have gotten much better with work (cf. 40 years in the desert). And ya know…knowing that helps. It helps ENORMOUSLY. Because we all know narcissists are bad people, right? (No. They’re not. Like sociopaths, most narcissists are confused, lonely, hurting people who don’t understand why they hurt and why they cannot connect. The sufferers who stand out for being narcissistic, sociopathic, or more terribly both, while at the same time having close-to-zero or zero moral compass, are the outliers, the rarities, the monsters. That’s your Ted Bundy, your Donald Trump, your Jim Jones. The actual evil narcissist/sociopaths. Maybe, my guess, 1% of the sufferers? [Let’s just say, hypothetically, that I learned how to come up with stats like that from Ben Shapiro.] Which makes them some tiny decimal of the total population, which rarity is why their misdeeds stand out.)

In conclusion — a self-perception I’ve carried for, oh, ever is that underneath it all, I am a bad person. Even my dear, beautiful wife knows this: when combatting my demons, she’ll often hold me, rock me, love me, and say, “You are a GOOD WOMAN.” This insight can’t be overstated for its tonic powers. And…coming up with it and using it to help someone who is looking for answers? SOMEbody feels validated! Who’s a validated girl? Who’s a good girl? YOU are! Yes you are! You’re a VALIDATED girl!

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.