4 Ways To Distinguish Authentic Love From Ego Love
By: Patrícia S. Williams
Tags: Self, Advice, Love, Relationships, Spirituality

1.) You honor each other’s flaws instead of trying to change them.

Our ego has the need to have everything under control. It doesn’t accept or acknowledge our own flaws and fears, let alone those of others.

The stronger our ego is, the more difficult it is for us to feel unconditional love because that kind of love starts with recognition — of another person’s emotions, thoughts, and feelings. Without the ability to see and hear one another, there’s no way we can love.

By contrast, authentic love doesn’t care about imperfections. It’s not that it doesn’t see imperfections; it does see them, but it embraces them and even improves them.

I know my partner isn’t perfect, and neither am I. We’re both highly sensitive individuals and things can get overwhelming sometimes. But regardless of what happens, we both know we have the space to show our true colors and express our emotions because we love each other no matter what.

2.) There’s mutual respect and admiration — even when you’re hurt or angry.

I believe this is one of the most beautiful traits of authentic love: your affection for each other is so deep that you express it even when there’s conflict or discomfort.

Ego love can’t conceive the idea of not holding resentment, not keeping score, or not having constant expectations. It strives on friction and disagreement; it doesn’t know what it’s like to love someone unconditionally.

“Ego love is fear based. We can have ego love with friends, family, or partners. In this state we believe someone can (and should) meet all our needs. We project our unresolved trauma, try to control and unconsciously shame ourselves. You’ll know if a relationship is ego based if you feel drained after interactions. Or fearful to speak truths due to reactions.” Dr. Nicole Le Peraing

On the other hand, in authentic love, your respect for each other shows itself even in the middle of a fight. There’s no yelling, emotional tactics, or manipulation — instead, there’s clear communication.

You feel free to express sadness, hurt, and anger, while still appreciating your partner and knowing you’ll always be heard and supported. You feel free to set boundaries and to let your partner know what’s going on in your heart.

3.) You naturally expand and grow together.

Since my relationship started 3 years ago, my life has changed drastically — though slowly and steadily.

I’m no longer addicted to cigarettes and I no longer feel the need to drink alcohol to numb myself. I started saving more than ever to travel and to invest in our future. After years of people-pleasing and self-sabotaging, I’ve finally gained interest in taking care of my body, mind, and spirit.

He didn’t do anything — but having a secure base gives you the freedom to develop yourself, and feeling loved makes you realize that you, indeed, deserve all the infinite possibilities life has to offer you.

Here’s the thing: authentic love makes room for individual authenticity, so you can’t help but grow both individually and as a couple. It says “I will always be here, and I love you for who you are as a human being. Don’t worry about anything, I got you”.

4.) You both take responsibility for your own trauma and emotional triggers.

It’s not always sunshine and rainbows. We all carry our own emotional baggage from past experiences and relationships.

Maybe it’s difficult for us to trust because we’ve been cheated on before. Maybe we can’t open up because we don’t feel safe. Maybe we’re afraid of showing who we really are due to fear of being rejected or abandoned.

The difference is, while ego love projects unhealed wounds and insecurities, authentic love recognizes and works through them.

For instance, last year I studied abroad for 6 months. My partner had been in a distance relationship many years ago and he was afraid I’d stop loving him. Deep down he knew his fear was not rational but he expressed it anyway. Those months went by super quickly, we managed to be together several times and the distance really strengthened our bond.

Something I’ve also noticed is, when feeling jealous, instead of getting paranoid and fearful as we both used to at the beginning of our relationship, we’re able to acknowledge the root wounds and reassure one another. I can now tell where my fears come from and work on my own issues.

This has been particularly healing, as it has helped me get in touch with the trauma I had been carrying for years.