6 Sage Lessons I Learned From Falling in Love
By: Charles Amemiya
Tags: Growth, Relationships, Loss, Love, Self Love

Lesson #1: Relationships Won’t Solve Your Problems

I grew up poor, with a very abusive alcoholic father who constantly beat down my self-esteem. I had a lot of anger at the world and a very negative attitude.

I thought that being a drug dealer would be my biggest accomplishment in this world. My low self-worth and bad attitude caused a shit storm of problems in my life.

Jennifer grew up with an abusive step-father who raped her for years. During one incident, her mom walked into her room and saw her step-dad in bed with her. She callously closed the door and pretended she didn’t see what obviously happened.

Jennifer and I were trapped in those mental prisons of anger, negativity, low self-esteem and shame for most of our lives.

The entire world let us down, but we thought we could save each other.

Relationships never solve our most debilitating problems. Those warm and fuzzy feelings we get from relationships will only distract us from our internal demons.

Relationships numb the pain but actually make our problems worse because they stop us from confronting them.

When two damaged people enter into these seductive unions, a downward spiral of codependency oftentimes begins. Here are some signs of a codependent relationship:

Tolerating the other person’s bad behaviors

Not setting healthy boundaries

Jealousy

Controlling behavior

Excessive fear of abandonment

A high need for approval and validation

We get stuck in a web of dysfunction as the relationship deceptively makes us think our lives are finally getting better. We tell each other we’re fine, but we’re preventing ourselves and our partners from learning, growing and overcoming the demons that have ruined our lives.

To avoid this dilemma, first realize that you can’t depend on your significant other to solve your problems.

You have to overcome your own demons.

Identify and resolve all those things that are stopping you from being the amazing person you are. Get rid of the excessive jealousy, insecurity and neediness.

Stop looking for approval and validation in the outside world — instead, look in a mirror.

Lesson #2: Think Before Acting on Strong Feelings

Anytime you experience a powerful, earth-shattering feeling, first question the validity of that feeling. These types of feelings are oftentimes followed by overreactions and terrible decisions.

Think of those times you were extremely pissed off at someone and then said something you regret to this day. Think about the time you were filled with so much rage, you hit or threw something.

I used to break so many home phones in fits of rage that someone later bought me a phone made out of the same material flip flops are made of. It refused to break, no matter how hard I threw it.

Just because you feel something strongly, doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Those emotions-on-steroids can shut down the rational part of our brains.

My strong love for Jennifer caused me to make many bad decisions, one of which was marrying her five days before I turned myself into prison to begin serving a 2-year sentence. I did this despite evidence that she had a drug problem and a shit ton of unresolved emotional problems.

The end result? She spent the money I gave her on drugs, left me for someone else while I was in prison and stole my identity to get more drug money.

Not all powerful feelings lead to bad relationships or decisions. But the risk is there. Be careful.

When you feel the overpowering euphoria of love, and you’re about to make a significant decision, ask yourself:

Does it make sense to do what I’m about to do right now?

Are there warning signs I’m not seeing?

What advice would I give to a friend who was in my situation?

Then talk to a few trusted friends or family members about your situation and get some outside, objective opinions.

Lesson #3: Set Strong Boundaries

Have you ever lost yourself in a relationship?

It’s easy to do.

You don’t disagree with your partner because you don’t want to create friction.

You find that some of your partner’s opinions and values are totally unacceptable, but you stay silent. You avoid conversations that will shine a light on the differences between the two of you.

Jennifer and I were so needy and insecure that we were oftentimes afraid to disagree with each other because neither of us wanted to risk losing the other.

One of the worst ways to lose yourself is to change your beliefs and values when your mate doesn’t agree with them. Looking back, it’s easy to see that you gave up who you were for someone else.

The solution to this dilemma is simple. Set strong boundaries from the beginning. Do the following:

Make a list of what you’re willing to accept and your deal-breakers. Define your core values and the non-negotiable beliefs that matter most to you. Be authentic. Don’t shy away from the things that define who you are. If you do, you’re doing a disservice to yourself and your partner, who may never know what you believe or how you feel because you didn’t have the courage to talk about it. Communicate your deal-breakers, values, beliefs and opinions with your partner. There will be conflicts, but healthy conflicts make the relationship grow. Great communication is the catalyst for compromise and understanding. Staying quiet and avoiding conflict only causes underlying differences and problems to simmer and then one day explode like a powder keg.

Setting strong boundaries requires courage. The courage to be authentic. The courage to stand by your values and beliefs, even if it means your partner may walk away. If your partner walks away, the two of you were never really compatible.

You saved yourself a lot of future headaches.

Farah Ayaad makes this clear:

I choose losing you over losing myself and I would rather be abandoned by you than be abandoned by me.

Lesson #4: Love Yourself First

“I think the problem is that we depend on our lovers to love us the way we should love ourselves.” — Humble the Poet

Loving ourselves can be difficult.

All of us have those moments when we feel less than.

When these feelings of inadequacy are really strong, it affects our relationships. We doubt our partners. We doubt ourselves. We doubt our inherent value as human beings. We unconsciously don’t believe we’re lovable.

We can start to believe that the relationship we’re in now is as good as it gets, so we’d better do what it takes to hold onto it.

This can be really dangerous when we’re in an abusive or toxic relationship. We’re more likely to endure it because we don’t think we’re good enough to find a better one.

If I truly loved myself, I would’ve ended the relationship when I saw the first danger signals.

Love yourself first.

Self-love is powerful and it’s the best love that you will ever have. When you love who YOU are, your relationships will be healthier and your life will be happier. Self-love sets the standard in how we allow others to treat us and how we treat ourselves.— Stephanie Lahart

Lesson #5: Let Go of Negative Emotions

When a relationship we really cherished ends, we feel a lot of negative emotions: anger, sadness, confusion, guilt, shame, regret, hatred and many more.

Although negative emotions do serve a useful purpose, if we hold onto them too long, they’ll poison other areas of our lives. A woman who hates her ex-husband because he cheated on her refuses to trust other men. She hasn’t had another relationship in 14 years.

A man who hasn’t forgiven himself for allowing his anger to ruin his marriage now believes he doesn’t deserve to be happy. He continually attracts women who mistreat him or are totally incompatible with him.

When I got out of prison and found out Jennifer cheated on me, used the money I gave her for drugs, and stole my identity, I hated her.

The more we loved someone, the more we’ll hate them or be angry at them when the relationship ends.

To let go of negative emotions after a break-up:

Don’t repress or avoid feeling negative emotions. This will only make things worse. Allow yourself to feel all of the bad emotions. Accept that this is how you’re feeling at this point in time. Don’t judge the emotions or judge yourself harshly for feeling them. Realize that you’re human. You loved that person and now you’re hurt. It’s ok to feel this surge of painful emotions. Give yourself time to grieve. Slowly start letting these negative emotions go. If you did something wrong, have compassion for yourself. If the other person did something wrong, have compassion for them. Forgive yourself or the other person. Use empathy to understand why they did what they did or why you acted a certain way. This will help you realize that all of us have made mistakes and deserve forgiveness.

The hatred I felt for Jennifer slowly turned into anger. The anger slowly changed to empathy and understanding.

I was finally able to forgive her — not for her, but for me. It allowed me to move forward with clarity, happiness, peace of mind and gratitude.

Lesson #6: Don’t Regret Falling in Love

It’s easy to regret the bad relationship decisions we made.

Don’t do it.

Regret can make us feel like we failed in a big way. It can erode our self-esteem, which will most likely be low after a breakup.

Don’t look at that past relationship as a vacuum that’s sucked the happiness out of your life.

Look at the void as a space for new and better possibilities.

The lessons you learned from past relationships will prepare you for better future relationships that will bring new meaning and happiness to your life — but only if you’re willing to look beyond the pain.

Remember the good things about the person. Remember those great times the two of you had.

Love takes courage. The courage to be vulnerable and risk being hurt. The courage to put your heart, soul and faith in something that has an unknown ending.

Don’t beat yourself up. Love yourself for having the courage to give love a try.

Epilogue

Jennifer — January, 1997

I last saw Jennifer while I was in prison in June of 1997, shortly after my mom died. Soon after that, she stopped replying to my letters. Then her phone was disconnected.

I never heard from her again.

In early 2018, a mutual friend of ours told me that Jennifer had moved to Oklahoma, quit doing drugs and started a new family.

She also told me that just before Christmas of 2017, Jennifer tripped and fell into a bathtub in her bathroom. She hit her head and fell unconscious.

Days later, her family decided to disconnect her from life support because she was brain dead.

I sometimes wondered how things would’ve turned out if she had never been raped and grew up in a good family. What would’ve happened if life had dealt us entirely different cards? What if we met under different circumstances? What if I never went to prison?

Then I stopped thinking about “what if?” and just thought about her beauty, witty personality, and the incredible, but brief times we had together.

RIP Jennifer.