It’s a cruel summer… the song that’s playing while I type this.
Tags: Exercise, Cruel, Songs, Summer, Cobrakai

It’s a cruel summer… the song that’s playing while I type this. I actually worked out to this song… if you know this song you would know… it is the anti workout song, but I first heard it at the end of Cobra Kai season 2. Since then I loved it. See the thing with me is that I can work out to any song as long as I’m feeling it at that moment. Yesterday I worked out to A Change is Gonna Come… and by workout I mean hitting a punching bag… these are not the songs you’d expect someone who is punching a bag to be listening to … but whatever motivates you right? Songs motivate me but not for everything and to some it may not be the most important things. As a child I used to put myself in the movies and shows I saw as the main character… never the bad guy…which might have been inaccurate…I don’t know. But these songs put me in that place mentally. I hear Gonna Fly Now and I’m Rocky, I hear the Naruto theme song and I’m a ninja… this is the type of thing that happens when you’re an only child I guess. Coping maybe? I have no clue.

I do feel like it takes me away from reality. Things in the real world don’t affect me like things on tv. I used to think it was a strength of mine… but as I spoke with my wife…well more like argued… she would say things that made me feel like it wasn’t a strength and I was just out of touch. That bubble I lived in … I think I wrote about that before… it spilled into other aspects of my life. Instead of looking like someone who didn’t let things get to him I began to look like a pushover… very thin line when you think about it. To be honest … it was probably an excuse to not speak up about certain things to everyone. Ya see with my wife I can say how I feel and I say its because I care about what she thinks… it bothers me… but other people I could careless. Is it true?… I don’t know… I know she calls me out on my nonsense… I know when you grow up in a bubble you don’t see your way of thinking as nonsensical… so maybe she touched a chord others didn’t?

I don’t know…one way in front of other people and one way in front of her…not good… but like I said… I don’t know who I am. At times I feel like I may be a better person than I am a husband but can that be true?? Is who I really am as a person the actions and words I exhibit as a husband?… no wait… im not a complete jackass… she just calls me out on the moments I show jackass tendencies…which is a lot more than I would like to admit. I’ve grown a lot since we been together. Out of touch. People look to me for answers… but these days I am hesitant to give advice. When you realize that most of your life has been the guy seeing the grass as greener than the person standing in it…how can you give good advice?

Well I have been able to see things through the eyes of others but I can’t feel what they feel and I cant even pretend to… I cant empathize no matter how much I try. Out.. of… touch. Talk to me about anime, manga, movies or whatever is in that realm and I’ll respond as if I wrote the damn thing… but talk to me about bad your days is and being relative is tough man. I don’t know… I almost did not write this today but I am trying to stay consistent…. Maybe my next one will make more sense or come of more fluent… 1/19/21