That Time I Couldn’t Study Anymore
By: Joy Pligram
Tags: Mental Health, Challenge, Growth, Students, Acceptance

A Story of Acceptance, Strength, and Faith

My life was great. Actually, it was fantastic. I had just successfully completed my Masters of Science in Accounting and was headed towards my next goal, the CPA. My aim was to conquer the board exams within six months, an ambitious goal, but definitely doable. I was determined to complete my goal and had dedicated myself both physically and mentally to do whatever it took. With only weeks leading up to my exam, my only objective was studying and passing. Yet, it all changed in one moment and I only learnt the art of acceptance, strength, and faith later.

Let me go back to the beginning and set the arena for you. I went through undergrad, grad school and plenty of money and stress to qualify to sit for the CPA exams. So to qualify, purchase my review course, and to finally be only four weeks away from my exam was a big deal. It was a big deal, well, because, I had invested a lot of time and effort and I wanted to pass on my first try. I decided to sit for the hardest section of the exam first, Financial Accounting and Reporting , to get it out of the way . With that done, I would be able to focus on the remaining three exams. I had already studied several weeks for the exam and was now exactly four weeks away from my test— too little time and too much to study.

On Tuesday February 4th, 2020 however, my plan became unachievable. I started my morning like any other day. I woke-up, checked my phone, got up and then…. Wooohooo. Wait. Was that a vertigo? My head seemed to spin but I assumed it was nothing and presumed to continue with my morning routine. Yet, something was off and I couldn’t continue as usual. The vertigo was constant and the more I moved around the more unbalanced and nauseous it made me. So, I decided to get back to bed and “restart”. You know, kind of like a computer; press the refresh button. Unlike a computer though, after trying to reset, I wasn’t back to myself.

Next stop, doctor’s office. I was seen by my Primary Care who assured me everything was fine and that it would only be a few days until I was back to myself. I decided to take it easy for a little just so I can recover quicker and get back to my routine better. Well, not only my condition did not improve, it started to worsen. I was dizzy, off-balance, and constantly throwing up. I’ll spare you the details, but later the next day I had to head to the ER, take a CT Scan, and be admitted to be monitored overnight. Everything happened so fast that I couldn’t even process what was happening. All I knew was that my head felt like a rock on my shoulders, it was constantly spinning, and I couldn’t walk without assistance.

The day after I was discharged from the hospital. On Friday, I was seen by an ENT who diagnosed me with Vestibular Neuritis. A condition where the inner ear is swollen and therefore, information isn’t translated by the brain correctly, causing, dizziness, vomiting and balance problems. The hardest part of it all was that it would take at least four to six weeks to fully recover and during the duration of recovery I wouldn’t be able to study. My months of hard work, effort and anticipation came to an abrupt pause. Consequently, I had to cancel my exam. I also had to change from being overly productive, energetic, and ambitious with a 101 “To-Do” lists to just laying on the couch with minimal movement.

What I thought would take a few days, then a few weeks, took several months. Months of doctor’s visits, balance-therapy, and months of rushing to get back to myself. Aside from the physical healing, I was also dealing with self-doubt, denial, and PTSD. “Maybe I wasn’t as sick as I thought”, “Maybe I was just being a baby about the situation”, “What if the scenario would happen again?”, “What if I never go back to my old self?” A lot of “What Ifs” playing in my mind with no clear answer. I had way too many thoughts and emotions, and way too little head space and energy to deal with it all. Everything changed in a moment, but to get back to normal took way too long. Mental rehabilitation and dealing with the anxiety and fear were feelings I was unfamiliar with. They were a heavy load on me and I didn’t know how deal with them.

Amongst all the headaches, dizziness and anxiety though I learnt one major skill. The art of acceptance. Accepting my new circumstances. Accepting that I was sick. Accepting that it was going to take time for me to get better. Accepting that I wouldn’t be able to study for my exam and take it anytime soon. And with the acceptance came a sense of relief. A relief from fighting what was, from the pressure I was putting on myself to get better quick; and a relief from denying my new reality. As I accepted my new reality, faith and strength showed their way to me too. I realized that I had the strength to pull through. I pushed myself to do exercises to help with my balance and movement coordination. I started to work on my mental health and learned to deal with the waves of anxiety attacks. I learned to have faith in my journey. I started to believe that everything has a timing, that I was exactly where I needed to be, and that I would take my exam in the exact moment I was suppose to. Then, little-by-little, day-by-day, I started to feel better and feel like myself again.

It’s been almost a year now since my traumatic experience. I still think a lot about all that happened and I’ve been through. Yet, I know the effects won’t just disappear and it’s going to take time to fully recover. I understand that Vestibular Neuritis, along with the lessons I learned, are now a part of my story. Perhaps Jeanne McElvaey said it best, “There is a moment in our healing journey when our denial crumbles; we realize our experience and it’s continued effects on us won’t “just go away.” That’s our breakthrough moment. It’s the sun coming out to warm the seeds of hope so they can grow our persona garden of empowerment.”