The Wrong Way to Describe a “Nice Guy”
By: Dan Cuzzo
Tags: Relationships Love Dating, Relationship Advice, Expectations, Relationships, Nice Guys

[Disclaimer: I don’t necessarily consider myself “A Nice Guy.” I just get called one enough to have some opinions on the phenomenon].

The Wrong Way to Describe a “Nice Guy” is an Exclusionary List. For example:

A “Nice Guy” Is Not: Abusive, Insensitive, Judgemental, manipulative, power-hungry, incapable of admitting he’s wrong, etc.

This is because a “Nice Guy” is MORE than just a welcome change from our past failed or “toxic” relationship.

-A “Nice Guy” is Someone with a unique personality and views on love that embraces you in a way that ultimately helps you become a better person. Any Romantic Partner or successful relationship allows both parties to support each other and sustain a level of contentment or build upon it over time.

— However, a BIG Problem I find is that many people Use the “Nice Guy” label as a Method of Control: And in doing so, it is often a Method of Self-Sabotage.

Following this issue from the beginning, You Might Think: “Well, let’s just Change the ‘Exclusionary List’ to One that Includes What Nice Guys Actually DO. So the list might go as follows:

A “Nice Guy” Is Nurturing, Sensitive, Open Minded, Respects a unique personality, and freedom to make one’s own choices. Finally, a Nice Guy can admit when he’s wrong: but These Words are Followed By Actions to Change Behaviors that he’s admitted Are Wrong.

— Well, YOU MIGHT THINK: NICE, WE’VE GOT IT NOW…But Nope. We Don’t Have Anything Yet.

What else could be missing? Well, as I said, a BIG problem I find is in the IMPLEMENTATION and even ENFORCEMENT of Even the Best “Nice Guy” outlooks. And Before you ask: YES, I have Seen it Over and Over Again; Many have an idea of a “Nice Guy” in their Heads And figuratively Beat Their Partners (Or Potential Partners) Over the Head with it.

In the beginning, I mentioned how an Exclusionary List is one of the worst ways to describe a Nice Guy. And I also mentioned how Past Failed or “toxic” Relationships are often the cause of these outlooks. Through Our Fears or Expectations, conditional demands are created that can damage relationships.

A “Nice Guy” would: open the door for me, make me coffee, get the newspaper, visit my mom, tip the waiter better, smile more in pictures, agree with me more often, tell me that I’m beautiful, be able to cook, remember the day we met, carry heavy things, support my business ventures, be friends with all of my best friends, always be available on Friday Night, prioritize my phone calls over everyone else and he should make a move on me when I think it’s the best time for him to do it.

This List Starts to Leave “Nice Guy” territory, in my opinion. I stopped the list because I thought it was long enough, but it could probably Go On For Much Longer. None of these Conditions are Necessarily “Bad,” but when we Pile them UP, we’re Sabatoging ourselves.

To Give a Better Explanation, I’ll Add Some Personal Examples:

Let’s start with “always be available on Friday Night, prioritize my phone calls over everyone else, and he should make a move when I think it’s the best time for him to do it.” These are all conditions that have been either outright or indirectly placed upon me.

I told a friend I was romantically interested in that Friday was “Writing Day.” At the time, I was Available Every Day Except this one. I could Answer the phone, but my answer would come slower, or it would have to wait until the next day. I chose Friday for Writing Day because, As a spiritual Nerd and someone who Doesn’t Like to Drink or Go to parties that revolve around alcohol, I Was Alone on Most Fridays for the Past 16 Years. I decided the Quiet I used to feel So Lonely About would be the Perfect Time to Create Chapters of my Fantasy web-novel to Entertain other people and allow them to feel less lonely.

— I’m pretty sure you could guess what happened. The friend I’m romantically interested in wants to talk on Friday, and She’s actually not the only one. My closest friend is a Repeat offender in this category, and in addition, I had told my Mom I’d call her back, as she wanted to talk with me about “paint swatches.”

I’m Not Sure if there is a “Right” Thing to Do, but these were my choices:

Since my closest friend was a repeat offender, I sent him an audio message telling him so, as diplomatically as I could. He had requested I do several things for him ON That Day, so it wasn’t just “hi, how are you doing,” type of stuff.

My Mom had called first, and I’d Already Told her that I’d call her back later that night. So when my romantic interest left me a message, I explained to her that, though I wasn’t happy about it, I still had to listen to my mom talk about interior decorating before I could think of contacting her.

And…when I finally contacted my romantic interest: there was no response. I found myself exhausted weekly, trying to be what she wanted while still standing up for who I wanted to be. I finally realized that I’d encountered many women with unrealistic expectations in MOST of my life who don’t even consider my unique point of view. And GET THIS: ALL OF THEM INITIALLY SAID I WAS “A NICE GUY.” YOU Might Find this an Unimpressive Detail, But it’s More about the Way “Nice Guy” WAS used as a Method of Control.

That Brings Us to “he should make a move when I think it’s the best time for him to do it.” I received a message on Okaycupid when I was in my mid-20’s, and my profile stated that I want to be friends first before moving towards a romantic relationship. Yet, after we met for dinner, she continually got mad when I didn’t “make a move” on her in a stereotypical way. Her words were that I was “trying to be a nice guy.”

At this point, I was very annoyed. Who’s trying to be What-now? First of All, I Often Tell People I’m NOT always a “Nice Guy,” in fact, I Dislike the Label and Often Find it More Restricting Than it’s Worth. Many men are “trying to be a nice guy,” and Frankly, I find them Very cute, in a platonic way. They Will and Do make better Parters than Me because they Make a Herculean effort to be what their partners want them to be. But the Problem with These Relationships is that They eventually Suck the Life out of us. Our individuality diminishes, and our self-expression is replaced by someone else’s version of what a “Nice Guy” should be.

So, in conclusion: please temper your expectations of what a “Nice Guy” should be. I know we can’t say, “I’m looking for a man to bend to my will,” because that’s creepy, but it’s basically what some women want when they say “Nice Guy.” It’s also part of why I’m not too fond of this label, among many others.