CPAC — Christians Persecuted Anglo Cult
By: Spike Dolomite
Tags: Trump Cult, Right Wing, Republicans, Cpac, Politics

CPAC — the far far far far right wing festival of white hypocrites, a contemptuous, vicious, miserable our shit don’t stink show.

Ted Cruz was there, of course. He and his bro-beard are the face of CPAC. It’s the only time he ever feels loved because everybody there is just as conniving, shallow, two faced and hateful as he is. He made a joke. He said he hopes PETA supports Republicans now that Democrats want to kill all the cows. Thank you, thank you very much. You’ve been a great audience. Don’t forget to tip the NRA on your way out.

Guns! Guns! Guns! Guns!

Devin Nunes spoke. He wore a Trump tie so long it tickled his very small balls.

The crowd chanted “Build the wall, build the wall, build the wall!” like sports fans do the wave. CPAC set out giant cardboard bricks with their logo on them so attendants could play with them and stack them into walls.

Apparently Democrats are so anti-baby that they yell at their doctors to kill their babies right after they’re born and if they won’t do it then they take them home and kill them themselves. Don Junior and Jerry Falwell Jr are experts on the subject.

Jerry Jr’s wife said that Democrats will start killing their elderly parents now that they kill their own children.

Abortion! Abortion! Abortion! Abortion! Abortion!

Fox News talking head, Michelle Malkin, mocked transgender people. She said she identifies as an American and her “pronouns are U-S-A.” She ranted about immigration too, and slammed “The ghost of John McCain.”

USA! USA! USA! USA!

Fox News investigative reporter, Sara Carter, talked about deadly Skittles parties where kids are invited to a party and asked to help themselves to a variety of multi colored pills in a punch bowl. The ones who get the contraband Xanax smuggled in by illegal immigrants die immediately (emphasis on contraband — prescription big pharma Xanax is OK.) She’s seen so many dead kids that morgues have had to rent freezer trailers to store the overflow. None of that would be happening if it weren’t for the drug cartels.

Drug cartels! Drug cartels! Drug cartels! Drug cartels!

The immigrants are coming for your children! Don’t eat the Skittles! They’re not prescribed!

Sebastian Gorka told the crowd, “They want to take away your pick up trucks, they want to rebuild your home, they want to take away your hamburgers. This is what Stalin dreamed about but never achieved!”

Socialism! Socialism! Socialism! Socialism! Socialism!

Mike Pence basked in his own insincere rehearsed glory (next year I’ll be president…..) and rang the socialism bell saying that we’re going to end up just like Venezuela.

Space Force! Space Force! Space Force! Space Force!

Republican hypocrite fun fact: Every single speaker and attendant at CPAC is a hypocrite. Every. Single. One.

While the parade of fools marched on, the Democrats were fast at work, preparing for new testimony, gathering documents, fighting Trump, and writing and voting on new legislation. Chairman Elijah Cummings of the House Oversight Committee warned the White House that they better give their voluntary cooperation on security clearances or else.

Meanwhile, the former Republican governor of Maine, Paul LePage, said that if we eliminated the electoral college whites would become the forgotten people, Trump’s prototype walls were knocked down in San Diego, and a gun nut in Indiana accidentally shot himself in the balls after this gun slipped out of his waistband.

USA! USA! USA! USA!

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