A Threesome Before the Cake Is Served?
By: Mad Dyke
Tags: TV Shows, LGBT, Entertainment, LGBTQ, TV Series

Boring Bette is eating pancakes in bed with her married boo, Felicity, who’s telling her about where she went to college. Seems weird they’ve been so close for so long and this hasn’t come up yet, but okay. Felicity tries to get a sense of where the relationship is going from Bette and Bette’s all, “it’s going to the kitchen to get me a cup of coffee am i right?” She’s seems super uncomfortable with this woman she’s risking a lot for, but nothing Bette does really makes sense.

It’s Shane’s 40th birthday and her ex-wife hasn’t texted her yet so she’s sad. Finley, who’s still fucking the priest, rushes into Shane’s room to wish her a happy birthday and ask if she can eat something from a gift basket Alice and Bette sent her. Shane is brooding as always and tells her to take the basket “anywhere but here.” But when asked if turning 40 is scary, Shane just says “no,” so idk what she’s so pissed about.

She meets up with Alice and Bette for their daily morning brunch, only this time she takes them to her new bar, Dana’s, named after their friend Dana who died of cancer (my gf told me). They take a selfie outside and then Alice and Bette evaporate into thin air and Shane goes inside to get some checks she needs to sign. Lena, the bartender she banged in the last episode, is not discreet at all when she’s like “I HAVE THE CHECKS I GOT YOU A BIRTHDAY PRESENT I LOVE YOU” and i feel bad for her girlfriend who is literally standing right there.

Bette accidentally switched phones with her married lover and didn’t notice until hours later somehow. Then Dani acts like the FBI and meets up with Felicity to switch the phones back. She scolds these women like she’s their superior and honestly idk why Bette or Felicity puts up with this shit. Then Dani tells Bette she was numb when she worked for her dad but ever since she met her she can feel things???? They are def gonna bang.

At Alice, a reporter is shadowing Alice for the day while a photographer takes her photo. Her girlfriend Nat and her two kids are also there for some reason, and Alice is just as awkward with them as ever. She asks one of the children if he stole liquor from the office kitchen, “Are you a drunk?” lolololol what???

She’s interviewing another politician on the show, a man, Bette’s opponent, and the network’s new writer man wants her to ask him about positive things, like his childhood pony. But Alice wants to talk about FEMINISM!!!! He ends up talking about both and the interview is just as awkward as the rest of them.

After another early day at work, Dani and Sophie take a bath together before the sun sets. Dani says she’s been distant because she was afraid she couldn’t trust Sophie, since when they met, Sophie had a girlfriend. This seems like something that they maybe should have discussed before proposing. Anyway they work it out and Sophie gives Dani a ring and they bang in the bath.

Before heading to Dana’s to meet Alice for a birthday drink, Shane and Bette get high and eat asparagus and talk about how it’s not that bad they’re both in adulterous relationships. Shane signs her divorce papers and they go to the bar where everybody surprises Shane with a birthday party. There’s, like, hundreds of people there because of Shane’s infamous strap skills.

Everyone proceeds to get hammered, Finley goes to the priest’s house and kinda fuck its up with her unfortunately, and Micah FINALLY gets to fuck José, but his moment is overshadowed by a SUBTLE THREESOME at the bar.

Alice, Nat, and Gigi, her ex wife, all proceed to have a three-way somewhere in the bar before the cake is even served. How big is this bar??? Then they all come out from the back, hair wild, cum all over their faces, singing “happy birthday” as Shane blows out the candles.

Then Shane’s wife (who is hot!) shows up and is like “happy birthday” and everyone’s like ohhhhhh shit.

See ya next week, lesbos.