Understanding Yourself
Tags: Understand, Friends, University, Struggle, Yourself

This year has been one of the hardest years for everyone. I’m sure that you can all relate to the current situation surging through the world at this very moment. How it’s changed the definition of “normality” in our world. The ability we were able to go outside and meet up with friends at the bars, restaurants, parks and other social gathering places. Thus also creating a different reality we live in, having to change the way we do routines and come up with new ways to power through the days.

Through these past few months of COVID-19 being present a lot has affected myself as I can imagine for others. I took this time to reflect and understand myself and all the experiences. Before this whole pandemic changed everyone’s life I was a student studying ‘Adult Nursing’. Chasing the university life and my studies and new experiences. I was in a relationship at the time and sharing news about my studies and talking about what I learned and the proceed to going on my first ever placement was just breathtaking and a whole new perspective.

Heading out to town with new friends who were eager to chase their dreams and amazingly I went to the same university as my old best friend did! Crazy how time brings people close to each other! For context we first met at Houston, Texas where we went to the same school and somehow the universe brought us to the same place. Enjoying the new experiences of life, people and dancing on the dance floor with the rugby team and obviously getting hammered. Social nights with the sports team and other social sides of the university opened my mind and how everyone works. I would go up to see my partner and experience their university life style and meet her friends and get along with them. I was moments like these I treasured to my heart and building the “attachment” to ones mind and heart.

Pandemic Hits

When the pandemic started to come around my area it was during the time I was at the end of my first placement. I endured many difficult moments such as having to take care of patients that were at the end of life treatment to ones who were recovering and eagerly waiting to get back to their family/homes. I remember meeting this very good looking man. His eyes were sharp blue and well kept beard and he would smile whenever I was on duty and ask how I was doing. We would talk about sports and laugh at teams and have a good time. I never grew an attachment to someone like that so quick but it taught me a important lesson. Visitors were not allowed because of the situation and they would be on their own. Taking action I would talk to each patient when I was able too and didn’t have many tasks left. I would hand out tea and coffees and of course the hospital favourite to all patients… BISCUITS!! The following day hit me hard when I walked into the meeting room hearing the discussion with all nurses and healthcare professionals.

The night before when I just finished my shift I was told that he had passed away to cancer. It took me a lot to process this as I have went through leukaemia when I was a baby. I talked to my mentor and bursted in tears. My head was pounding so loud and my breathing became shorter and croaky. After awhile I picked myself up and cherished the moments I had experienced with the patient that I knew for two whole weeks. A man who had traveled and spoke many languages and had such an intriguing personality and mind. It felt odd and uneasy for me to be attached to someone I barely knew but within those weeks it felt like I knew them.

When I returned back to my dorm I told my partner about this situation and just explained how my mind thought about this. The silence in the air but the looks of care and understanding made me feel appreciated and understood. That night we watched our favourite show “Brooklyn 99”. CLASSIC comedy there and eating popcorns and making fun of each other. Towards the end of placement the university started to tell students to head home due to the severity of COVID. I headed home about a couple weeks later hearing that my second placement was postponed till the next year.

I returned home and was reunited with my family. The smell of fresh and delicious food cooked my mama and the loud noises of my older brother stomping around made me laugh at being back home. Chickens in our garden squawking and little chirps chirps it baby chicks tumbling over in the grass. I would meet with my partner whenever we could as we would both be busy. However when the announcement of “lockdown” commencing I can remember the sheer pain shooting through my heart and body. Not being able to be with my partner caused the both of us great deal of pain. The feeling of finally being less than 5 minutes away from each other instead miles away. However we navigated our way through that moment, by calling each other, making small packages and gifts to make each other smile when we were in our lows. Each night we would even during our studies call each other on Skype and sleep on the line to protect each other. As if we were double teaming the evil nightmares but some nights we wouldn’t because either we were too drunk too function or we had some downs.

State during lockdown

I can full heartedly say my state during lockdown was a struggle! Not being able to dapper myself and go out on dates or meet friends was difficult. However I still took the time to write in my journal to express my feelings and call my partner. We were able too spend time at the park when hearing about meeting outside and enjoy the sun and go for runs. Whenever she was working hard as the busy bee we all are to chase our dreams I would make her an extra portion of the food competition my family did. We made homemade food such as pasta, pizza, chicken, burgers, tacos and many different delicious foods. However whenever she was able to stay I would bring out the big guns. Mac and cheese with chorizo and three different cheeses…you could say it was “cheesy” hahah. These moments were special to me especially being around my family and my partner. Harbouring these valuable experiences and time that I wouldn’t dare to trade for anything.

Unfortunately I struggled with my emotions and mental state sometimes during this time and would let it get the best of me. That’s when my family decided to get a new family member. That’s right we got a dog. Her name is onnie and I’ll put a picture down below to show the true beauty she is. Wild doggo yet so loving and caring toward anyone she knows. To the point she’s pretty much a big baby.

I was so excited to have our own doggo, even my brother couldn’t believe after all these years we got one. I remember sending a photo to my partner saying “LOOK BABA”. A true happy feeling and it helped me a lot. To just cuddle whenever I felt low and that when my partner was busy with work and chasing her goals. It was getting to the point where I would just end up sending dog pictures to everyone. However don’t take me as being lazy I also looked onto the web to find myself a carer job to enhance my nursing skills however that didn’t happen as it took too long to process and then suddenly being shut down about my application.

Emotions

As time flew by my partner and I split up on valid terms and that did hurt us both. It was a tough situation based on being far apart from each other, having different schedules and goals. Not sharing the other reasons because that is between me and the person. As much as it hurts still to this very day I would say that social media has distorted the image of break ups a lot and relationships. We kissed one last time before she left the house and I remember the very pain I felt in my heart dropping to the floor. Shattering and scattering on the ground and I started to burst into tears in my mother’s arms and my brother.

Now I know it sounds all so pathetic talking about a breakup but it felt more than that..in fact it was losing more than a girlfriend. Losing a best friend in the process of it but that’s the risk I suppose that we decided to take. We did talk after a few days of quietness or just myself not being able to hold back because talking to someone that you’ve regularly talk too everyday for almost 5 years in the making does hurt a lot.

But that’s the true beauty of being human we feel emotion and even if it grosses us out it’s applicable because we are allowed to feel. It’s not rocket science but we are not robots that just forget or don’t feel emotions. Sometimes we have to go through it and accept it. I moved to my new flat and we would talk and check on each other. However I felt like something was going to happen sooner or later and I would just write in the diary that I kept when she gave me and the small music box with the song “You are my sunshine”. I would play it whenever I felt scared or vulnerable and just smile whenever I used it. It was like a guardian protecting you when you were at the lowest of lows.

I felt myself become lost and when hearing about another lockdown on the horizon I could feel something dangerous lurking around the corner. My demons toying with my head and I would stay busy by doing work, studying, meeting with friends and going out. I was losing myself in order to power through these rough waves of emotions during the night. One night I caved in so hard that I took my life on the line. The first few seconds I just let it be but when it set in I panicked and called for help. The main reason? It was because I messed up hard with my best friend and just couldn’t handle it thus referring to the behaviour type called “self destruct” or “enamoured in your pain”.

Overwhelmed

To this current day I still struggle and not being able to talk to your best friend who is your ex is soul destroying. The mind is a complex battle as it uses the “memories” as a weapon to you at night. Torturing you in your dreams making you miss the comfort of someone. I knew that I would blame myself because it was majority my fault that led to us not talking anymore. “It’s in the past, long gone”. Unfortunately it is the way life works. When you lose something that you are attached to and create this bond or attachement and then when it brakes it tears you down like a hot scorching knife going through butter. Now I would like to say I am not going at my Ex partner there is no desire to diminish them in any way or form. I have respect for them and what happened was brought down because of my actions.

During the second lockdown I was battling the loss of two close university friends to suicide and as well just controlling my emotions. The way I see things is just maybe sometimes things are pre-determined in your life but i was not expecting this. Losing so many people that are close to you can change a humans way of emotions and thinking. It can quite literally tear them down to the bones and eradicate their true self.

I wished them the best of everything with their studies and their glory to become successful and always support them on the sidelines. I hope they are doing great and having a better time and being taken care of. Many will have bias on it but ultimately I see it as myself who brought it to this outcome. Learning to accept things change is hard as nails but it’s something we’ve got to learn as an individual. Change will always happen no matter what you do. One day someone can love you so much and the next day they don’t. Open to change will allow your mindset to mature and move on.

Wishing bad upon someone is not needed in anyone’s life. You can hate them or not but I decide to not because life is too short. Therefore I always wish the best and hope they reach their conquest to success. I saw them drive by my road when I was walking my dog and it hit me like a truck. It made me wonder do people forget you? I believe that memories will always stay with you, even if you decide to subside them and ignore them. In fact it’s good to remind yourself of the good and bad times but do I wish I could change it around and I do.

I miss them a lot but that would make it seem weak and just trying to latch on again which is not the way I want to be seen anymore. So I sit there and just smile on the good times and read this one letter I keep. It was written whenever I had a bad day and it helped a lot.

New Beginning?

I am still learning to understand myself. I believe that’s the key to understating the true potential of you. I’ve turned down my social media time and spend time reading books, watching news and enhancing my knowledge. I researched on behaviours that I correlate to myself or been told such as:

Manipulative

Troubled

Letting go

Abandoned

Heartbreak

Lying

Fixing the negatives

Learning new ways to overcomes these behaviours and how to eliminate them is a hard task but I am doing the best I can in my eyes and so can you if you’re going through the same. Whenever I get upset or low I would go catch an uber and go to my favourite quiet place nearby. It’s called “staplechase hill”, that’s where I go for a quiet walk at night or sit on the bench and look at the trees and listen to the atmosphere, cars rushing back to go see their loved one or family or even friends. I took the decision to depart from my studies in order to focus on myself and become a better person in my vision. I understood that no one will ever stay with you forever and that there is a rare occasion that some may. I decided to keep to myself and let myself take the reigns. I was taught by an amazing person that said “do what you want to pursue”. I miss you and I am doing that.

I’ll tell you one thing for sure is that you will go through experiences and face different emotions and all you can do is grab life head on and take it with you. Embrace those hard days and fight on even when you are tired of everything. I stir at night with the brain pinpointing those precious moments you keep inside you which is a true fascinating way how our whole body works. I stopped talking to friends due to be able to live on my own and just write in my journals when I go on my “I need quiet” type of walks. I started a YouTube channel that I find a passion yet I haven’t posted due to myself not in the right mindset but I do keep myself distracted.

The world works in wonders and can sometimes kick you to the curb with things coming back round and that’s the true beauty of life. You never know what’s going to come back because sometimes old friends come back and even when you think they never will, I promise you cannot just believe that. I hope everyone stays safe and please check on your friends, family and peers.