Compassion for the Griever and Expediting the Grieving Process Part I
By: Tom Johnson Iii
Tags: Compassion, Grief Support, Understanding, Grief And Loss, Grief Resources

A Typical Day and What Grief Is

The losses that we directly experience in life are the death of a relationship, a pet, and loved ones. In the midst of anger, guilt, fear, hurt, sadness, shame, and confusion lived during the grieving process, life seems to lose meaning for the griever and those of us who want to help are just as clueless as to what to do. This can lead to a natural response of self-judgment for “not feeling normal” for the griever or “not being able to help enough” for the friend or family member.

These articles serve as a guide to bring awareness about loss and grief. The friend, family member, or practitioner who wishes to help someone experiencing grief will develop more compassion and understanding. Some of the information presented may be welcomed, opposed, or not even applicable to the reader’s situation. It is advised to find the parts that work for you now and revisit the rest or come back at a later time.

The main points presented in these articles are:

A person grieving mainly just wants to know their feelings are normal, how to get through it, and find some comfort, meaning, and purpose again.

All human beings create expectations and attachments in the exact same way. Life circumstances may differ, but the mechanism and process are the same for everyone.

There is no “grief usually runs it course in X amount of time”.

Different exercises and techniques work for different people. The exercises presented will bring understanding and meaning to the griever faster than if they are not done.

Grief is no ride in the park and experience shows the more one is aware of it, the more compassionate and understanding one becomes. This in turn leads to the griever feeling understood and not alone which is perhaps what all human beings want to feel.

A Typical Day

Jane carries a cherished ceramic plate with a picture of the family on it. Grandma was wearing a green cardigan that didn’t match her purple pants. But that didn’t matter because grandma didn’t care. She was the life of family gatherings and said the most ridiculous things. “What is this ‘facing book’ everyone talks about? Of course we face books when we read them. How else would we read books?”

Jane loved grandma and this plate is all she has left of her since she passed away the previous month. Jane’s husband John is taking out the trash and doesn’t see Jane. He accidentally bumps into her and she drops the plate. She watches in horror as the plate descends to the floor in slow motion. It shatters with a large CRACK into pieces all over the floor. Jane lets out a verbal shriek. “AHHHHHHHHHH! GRANDMA!!!!!!”

She frantically tries to find all the pieces. Realizing that the plate will never be the same, she lashes out at John. “How could you not see me? Am I so unimportant that you don’t want to even look at me?! My granny will never forgive me!” John stands there speechless, not knowing what to say. He knows she took the loss of her granny really hard and wants to bang his head against the wall because this isn’t the first time he’s been accused of not seeing her or not thinking she is important.

John picks up the shattered pieces of the plate and places them on the counter. Jane is sobbing with short breaths on the edge of hyperventilating. Her heart skips a beat. Then another. She feels a hole opening up in her chest and staggers ever so slightly. Then her heart beats weakly. Weaker and weaker until unexpectedly it beats as if a fist punched her heart from her back and forced it against her chest. Then again. And again. And again. She collapses to the floor as her heart races harder and faster than it ever has before. Her head starts spinning and she cries out, “HELP ME!!!!!!”

Please…somebody help.

John freezes as a tug of war in his head immobilizes him. What will people think when they hear about this? What is happening? What do I do? He snaps out of his train of thought and calls an ambulance.

John explains what happened to the doctor at the hospital skirting around the fact that Jane misses her granny. “She just collapsed.” The doctor says, “Her blood pressure is 170/110. If it was 300 or so, we would do more tests and keep her here overnight for observation. But, she just needs some rest. Go on home and make her comfortable.” John takes his sobbing wife home even more confused than before. Unbeknownst to John, this is just the beginning.

Creating a Safe Environment

A person grieving just wants to know their feelings are normal, how to get through it, and find some comfort, meaning, and purpose again. Their identity has been challenged and they are more likely to enter fight or flight mode at any given moment. To this end, a safe environment with empathy and understanding so they can piece their identity back together and feel “normal” is necessary. However, if the griever’s identity was deeply attached to the deceased being alive, their quest to feel normal again can border on obsession. It may take years for reintegration to occur.

In such situations, even the most experienced counselor/coach/therapist/friend/family member may find themselves judging the griever or detaching to a non-empathetic stance to protect themselves from the intense emotions. The explanation that the plate is Jane’s identity, the frantic need to put the plate back together is resistance that granny is gone, and lashing out at John is the ego’s blame mechanism for the threat it feels to the identity its created can be given. However, at this stage, Jane is likely not ready for a logical explanation.

These articles presents a framework to understand what is going on behind the emotions and behavior to show the griever is a human being. They are going through a set of learned behaviors that all human beings experience. It is the author’s hope that this can create more compassion and understanding for the person and a realization that all human beings’ thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and behaviors are survival mechanisms to hold on to the identity we all create with a survival-based mind and body.

What is Grief?

Grief is never just about the loss of a loved one who recently passed away. Grief is the natural response to realizing that the people and things we valued are gone and the ones we will value will also be gone someday. This includes ourselves. The fear of death is the basis of all fears of loss. Grief is also part of us resisting our loved one is gone by bringing up the thoughts “I should have done more”, “I should have been a better supporter”, and “I should have done things differently”. Also, grief is the emotion we experience because we are able to love. It is the fear of losing this love or having lost this love that primarily contributes to experiencing grief.

Grief can also be thought of as the energy released as the former expectations to feel loved within the subconscious are unraveled. While this book specifically addresses the loss of a loved one, grief is an emotion experienced when we go through a divorce, the death of a pet, the ending of a relationship, being let go from a job, “losing” our role title such as “General manager”, or anything we identify with.

We will continue in Part II with how expectations, the body, and the mind relate to grief.