The Secret to Keeping Your New Year’s Resolutions is Self Compassion
By: Vanessa Thiessen
Tags: Self Compassion, New Year Resolution, Coping, New Year, Self Improvement

The Secret to Keeping Your New Year’s Resolutions is Self Compassion

Photo by Martin Adams on Unsplash

’Tis the season for New Year’s resolutions. It’s a time when millions of people pledge to change their bad habits and behaviours; whether it’s to lose weight, quit smoking, or learn a new skill.

But most of us won’t keep them past January.

In fact, Strava crunched the numbers and dubbed January 19th as “Quitter’s Day”. This is the day when people will give up on their fitness related New Year’s resolutions. Less than 3 weeks in and you’re likely to be right back where you started.

In the Low Moments, Be Kind

That doesn’t need to happen, though. When you cheat on your diet or want to throw in the towel, be kind and show yourself some compassion. Kristen Neff identifies self compassion as having 3 elements: self kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Understand how you feel, be kind to yourself in the moment. Don’t beat yourself up; be forgiving! You should know and appreciate that there are other people out there who feel the same way you do.

So on January 19th, or earlier, when you’ve decided it’s too hard or you have a slip up, don’t quit! A little self compassion can go a long way. Be understanding. Realize that it is not a failure, but part of the human condition. We tend to revolt against anything that is outside of our normal way of doing things. Transformations are hard and you’re doing your best. To help you continue towards your ultimate goal, set yourself a small target.

Use It Every Day

Self compassion is especially effective for those who have high expectations of themselves, higher than what might even be realistic. If you have a high sense of drive, are a people pleaser, or a perfectionist this is a key element to achieve your aspiration.

It has also helped me get through everyday problems. 2020 was a year of change and transition for me, on top of the stress that everyone felt (and continues to feel) because of the global pandemic. In 2020, I moved back to my hometown, got divorced, and bought a house on my own.

While I had been incredibly fortunate to have had full time employment throughout the entire year, there were still tough days. I experienced a lot of guilt for having tough days while others were under and unemployed because of COVID-19. And while millions suffered from the disease, and hundreds of thousands had passed away from it. My heart and condolences go out to everyone who has lost a loved one due to the coronavirus.

Everyone is Allowed Bad Days

So there I was, someone who had it good. I was in a country who had handled the virus reasonably well (nowhere perfectly), I had food, I had a home, and I had a job. What did I have to complain about? Yet, there were days when walking the 10 steps from my bedroom to my office was difficult. There were evenings when I sat alone and cried because I missed hanging out with my friends and family.

A friend tried to cheer me up by reminding me that everyone was feeling this way. And when I thought about it, that was true. But they all seemed ok. Why couldn’t I keep it together like everyone else? It wasn’t until another friend was telling me about her mom’s non-stop crying over Christmas being cancelled that I realized everyone was, in fact, feeling the exact same way. I had forgotten how well people hide their true disappointment with friendly masks of normalcy. I found the common humanity Kristen Muff had written about. And it did ease my guilt.

I now try to use self compassion as an everyday coping tool. It’s also been a great support as I’ve brought about changes in my life. And I’ve seen it be a pivotal tool when a friend was living through tragedy and loss.

Use Self Compassion When Grieving

My friend, Debbie* (*name changed to protect privacy, but permission granted to share their story), lost her mother a few months ago. She went back to work after her short bereavement leave and it wasn’t going well. She couldn’t concentrate and was quickly falling behind in her work. She was still anxious, grieving, and racked with guilt. She also found out through the grapevine that she was not made executor of her mother’s estate.

This was a role she was led to believe would be hers. Debbie worried her mother thought that she could not be trusted with her affairs post-mortem. It was clear to me that this wasn’t the case and Debbie was being extremely hard on herself. I reassured her that it was a blessing, and likely a reflection of her mom’s appreciation of everything Debbie did for her while she was alive. Because it was a lot. And being the executor of any estate is a bureaucratic nightmare, not an accolade. A fact Debbie reluctantly accepted.

Less than a week later, Debbie reached out again. Her normal workload was overwhelming and the usual petty gossip of her coworkers was unbearable.

Plus she felt like she was letting everyone down. She was letting her family down by not having the energy to keep the house together. Her coworkers were judging her for not keeping up with her workload. She wasn’t able to support her friends or reach out like she normally would. Debbie wondered why she couldn’t get through the workday without sneaking to the bathroom for a cry. Everyone else seemed to be ok and she wasn’t. She couldn’t figure out why she wasn’t back to normal.

It Takes Work, Effort, and Time

I could be the most compassionate person in this situation, but it wouldn’t do any good if Debbie wasn’t compassionate with herself in those trying moments. I explained that coping with the death of her mother was hard enough without the added pressure she was putting on herself. I told Debbie that, unfortunately, this was normal. For today. And that things would start to get better as more time passed.

I tried to help Debbie see that she was adding more stress on herself instead of recognizing where she was in the grieving process. How many hours did she go without having to rush to the bathroom to cry at work? Longer than yesterday, and that’s an improvement! Is work adding extra stress and she can’t handle it? She’s out of capacity before 10 AM, and it’s understandable. Are the ladies at work being rude and cruel to each other? Her ability to tolerate it has been significantly reduced. Her energy bar started at 50% today because grief is exhausting. I explained to Debbie that knowing how she felt and accepting it will help her move forward, and not add more tension to an already stressful situation.

I did my best to absolve Debbie of her guilt, but knew she had to do that work on her own. And she got there. With time.

Be a Friend to Yourself

I consider Debbie family and it was hard to see her in so much pain. I want to be understanding in her moments of suffering. But I also suspect when my own mother passes, I’ll be just as hard on myself as she was.

Sometimes it’s easier to be caring and sympathetic of others than of ourselves. In those troubling times, treat yourself like you would a friend. If you understand how you’re feeling, why you’re feeling it, and that feeling that way is typical, you will get through it with less pain and with less time.