My Experience of Domestic Violence
By: Ruth Stewart
Tags: Violent Partner, Child Abuse, Spousal Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence

My Experience of Domestic Violence

And tips to get out of a similar situation

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

When I was about 18, I said my boyfriend could hit me. Just once, on the arm. I cannot remember why, and I have thought about it many times, I just can’t think why I would have told him to do such a thing. Perhaps I thought he would say, ‘no, that’s wrong’.

He didn’t. He hit me on the arm, really hard. Really, really hard.

I cried — I couldn’t believe he hurt me that much.

But I wasn’t living with him, I was independent of him financially. So why didn’t I just leave him there and then, dump him?

My family life was violent.

I was used to violence as a control mechanism. My mother used it frequently. My step-dad had used it on us. It was familiar. I was used to those who were supposed to love me being violent to me. So it was my own personal “normal” that made me stay with him.

Not just that, I had been taught that I wasn’t worth much, as the family scapegoat. Most things were my fault. My mother was actively kinder and more demonstrative to my brother and sister. They weren’t treated great, by any means, but they got it easier than I did.

When I was about 19, I was still with the violent boyfriend. I had begun working in London, so I wanted to live closer to my work. I was thrilled when I managed to find somewhere to live that wasn't too expensive. I rented a bedsit, a kitchen and a living room with a bed in it, and a shared bathroom.

Every friend I had told me not to let my boyfriend move in. I swore that I wouldn’t let him.

He moved in. The violence didn’t stop. He bashed my thumb against the wall and fractured it. He turned off the light in one fight, so I couldn’t see, and he kicked my leg so hard a vein got infected and I was on antibiotics for a week.

It wasn’t as though I didn’t hit back, I did. It’s just that he hit harder. He was stronger than me. He told me he loved me. We talked about the violence to try to get it to stop. But it didn’t.

I met someone, a psychiatric nurse who befriended me. He supported me emotionally, and he was marvellous.

Eventually, I left my ex-boyfriend. I was fortunate; I was working, I was lent money from a few friends, given food. I found a room to rent. It was tiny but it was just mine. Although it wasn’t great, I look back on it with fondness. It just had a single bed, a chest of drawers and a wardrobe. But I didn’t get hit! So that was awesome.

It was in that house that I remember so vividly “the moment”. The moment I realised how bad things had been with my ex-boyfriend. It was when I was in the bath, and I looked down at my body and there were no bruises on it. None at all. I was shocked; it was the first time I had lived in a non-bruised body in many years.

I don’t know if any other women who got out of violent situations felt their moment. The point at which they realised it was over, they could now get on with recovering. I promised myself that I would never stay with a violent partner ever, ever again. I have kept that promise to myself.

When they hear about a domestic violence situation, lots of people say “just get out”. In some ways, in the UK perhaps that is a little bit easier. There are shelters here in the UK, much less than there used to be but they do exist. Also, we have some sort of benefits system. People know they can get some money in an emergency.

We also have food banks, which I personally would hate to use. My daughter had to visit them a few times, and I went with her.

But I can see how women stay with men who are violent because of financial pressures. Especially if they have kids.

There was a film about a woman who was beaten by her partner, she hid money in tampon tubes and saved up until she had enough money to get out of there. She did so well. I’m proud of every woman that escapes the violence.

I’m glad I got out of the violent situation I found myself in. I have never been in another one, either. But to anyone who says “just get out” the situation is far more complicated than that. The most dangerous time for a woman escaping domestic violence is the time she gets out of there. It is absolutely vital that any woman that wants to go has a plan of action.

These are my top tips — but you will be able to get more advice.

1. Start talking. Start telling the police, charities, church leaders that you are in a violent situation.

2. Get help. Find out if there is a shelter near you, and if you can stay there. See what the police are able to do.

3. Speak to relatives if at all possible — see if they can offer any help, even if it is just temporary. If you are going to a shelter and your work is further away, could a relative give you a lift to work or lend you a car? You won’t know unless you ask.

4. Put a plan in place. Then, for your own sake and especially for the sake of your kids, see it through. Get out of there. You will never regret leaving an abusive partner.

I wish every woman in that situation well. You can leave, you can escape, and you are worth it.