A COVID Christmas Message
By: Jay Bamber
Tags: Christmas, Humor, Monologue, Funny, Essay

Dear Family,

What a tough year it has been! I am sure that you have all experienced your trials and tribulations, but as many of you know, this year has been especially hard for me. I was having my kitchen renovated when the first lockdown began and it was simply torturous to have some walls painted Elephant’s Breath Grey and others Dead Salmon Grey. Every time I walked into my kitchen and saw the contrasting greys, I understood the enormity of the pandemic.

Luckily, I only had to suffer through this for three days as I found a darling painter. Jeremy agreed to finish the job on account of my dwindling mental health and my willingness to pay a little extra for the trouble. I was loathed to break the rules, but when your happiness is at stake sometimes you have to do what is best for yourself. I was so cheered by having a cohesive colour scheme in the kitchen that I asked Jeremy to ‘re-do’ my bedroom, which he thankfully completed days before falling ill with the terrible disease. I haven’t heard from him since, but you should see the colour I chose. Red, but not too red, if you know what I mean, like crushed velvet, I couldn’t be happier! I have included photos, but even my photography can’t quite capture it!

Who knew that ZOOM would become a part of all our lives! I always like to make the little joke “who’s zooming who?” whenever I park myself in front of the laptop. That always gets a laugh from everybody. I cannot tell you how busy my social life has become since this pandemic began. I and the Pimlico girls have started a wine club, a book club, pilates classes, choir and emotional healing classes. I always was rather popular, but this has taught me how much I mean to people and how much I add to their lives. Of course, it is quite exhausting for me to be everyone else’s emotional support — but I can do it thanks to my famous fortitude! Oh, also I wanted to apologise for not being able to Zoom any of you, I haven’t had the time, I know you understand.

Despite all of its hardships, COVID-19 has made me much more aware of the community — specifically, it has made me aware of how idiotic the members of my community are. When we first moved here, part of the reason it was so expensive was that the neighbours had a certain degree of, shall we say… connoisseurship, not the case anymore! As you all know I have always been very civic-minded, so in the summer I spend many hours a day sitting on my portico, listening to my whale sounds, and calling the police when I noticed selfish people breaking the rules. It was both a contribution to the safety of the people of London, but also quite fun! I would invite ‘the girls’ around and we would all sit on the veranda with our binoculars, by the end of summer the police were quite familiar with us! Frankly, we were doing what they should have been doing — just because Amanda in number 39 had triplets during a pandemic and her husband fell through a rogue pothole doesn’t mean she can let any Tom, Dick or Harry through the threshold. Honestly, I can’t believe Amanda’s mother, ‘Old Amanda’ has aged during this difficult time. I understand we are going through a pandemic, but is it really necessary to let oneself go in such a manner, no offence to any of you (I’ve seen your Facebook photos!)

You may have seen me on the news earlier in the year — that is right, old Amelia has finally become a star! The protests against the lockdown were so thrilling and I was so happy to become somewhat the face of the movement. Can you believe that photographer picked me out of such an impressive crowd? I have always been charismatic but I didn’t know that charisma could overcome the cries and cheers of so many people. Anyway, now I very much believe in COVID, mostly because I think I look so good in a mask. One day, I was getting ready to march against the lockdown rules and wrapped a silk blue scarf around my head. Well! The way that blue brought my eyes to life! As you all know, I have truly striking yeux. If it is true that eyes are the window to the soul, then mine are a whole greenhouse! I wrapped the scarf around the bottom of my face and was so taken with how good I looked that I dedicated myself to social distancing (apart from meeting my friends and dates — mental health is such a priority) and posting my memes about COVID safety. I now have an enchanting array of face masks. I did have to go to the market to collect them and, at the time I did not have a mask that suited my dress, so you could say I risked life and limb to build my collection. I have never felt quite so confident, it has absolutely revitalised my life; my passion for fashion has roared back to life and I only wish that Marcus were alive to see how beautiful I look and how wonderfully I have responded to these unprecedented times. He was always so proud of me and lately, I have been demonstrating that that pride was well placed! When I think about it, COVID has been quite lovely for me! When you have an attitude of gratitude you can be grateful for anything!

I was sorry to hear that Matthew, James, Cici and Larry all got COVID and, it sounds, rather badly. I meant to send a card but was worried you would have to quarantine it etc. I have heard that an active lifestyle may help build the immune system, have you tried that? Only ten minutes will help!

Merry Christmas, etc, etc,

Amelia Detteral, BA (reike studies)