Wanna Be Single While You’re in a Relationship?
By: Kathryn Dickel
Tags: Relationships, Love, Marriage, Self, Dating

Relationships

Construct it with a ‘Free Heart’ and you can be.

Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash

I have been officially single for three years (four if you count the period where I was separated but not divorced). For the most part I have really enjoyed it. There is no denying the ease of centering your life solely around yourself. Things like getting a solid night’s sleep, going out to eat where you want all the time, hanging with your friends whenever the fancy strikes and not HAVING to be emotionally present for anyone else, all have a real upside. Pouring the energy you give another back into yourself can be a game changer for your emotional and physical well-being.

Additionally, the pain I have encountered during this time has been productive. I have allowed myself to deeply mourn the relationships I have lost over my life time; especially the one with myself. I have resurrected some old patterns that burned me badly again, thereby showing me that they needed to go. To that effort I’ve had some time unearthing the deep wounds of my soul that developed those patterns. And most importantly, I have learned how to be alone and happy at the same time. This was a new skill set for me and it was difficult to perfect.

So yah, single life has been quite beautiful. So beautiful that when I got a message this summer asking if I’d like to have a drink and discuss one of my articles, I barely stopped to consider what it would mean for my life to fall for someone again. But he made me stop for some deep consideration, as any good love should.

Frankly, I’ve had a real fear of falling in love again. Not because I don’t want the beauty of companionship and deep love in my life, but because I have had real doubts about whether I could find a person with whom I could build the type of relationship I want moving forward. You see, over the last four years, with all that alone time, I’ve been constructing how I want to exist with my lover. I call it a ‘Free Heart Relationship’ and it’s way outside the box.

What is a Free Heart?

My wasband is a staunch introvert, and during our marriage this stood in harsh opposition to my extroverted life. I had many social opportunities to take advantage of and had to receive the blessing of my wasband on each occasion that I wanted to live that life. It caused a lot of consternation between us, primarily because he offered his yes begrudgingly. This of course had the effect of cumulative resentment building up between us so I started accepting his yes with my own requirement; I started challenging him as to whether he was saying yes with a ‘Free Heart.’ I was asking him if he meant he wasn’t resentful or hesitant, and could be truly happy that I was engaging in my life this way. Ultimately, there wasn’t enough Free Heart present in our relationship and it had to transition, but our transit was helpful in showing me what I wanted moving forward.

A Free Heart is defined as follows:

It is free of obligation. Every action is offered from a place of authentic desire to do said action.

It is free of expectation. Every action is offered without the hope of a specific outcome.

It is free of placating. No action is offered in avoidance one’s authentic heart to satisfy another.

Because of this a Free Heart is also:

Open to experiencing life. You hear a lot more yes than no on all levels of the relationship.

Naturally accommodating. There is a effortless generosity when approaching their love.

Not afraid to take or give space. Space is seen as a vital part of supporting oneself and another person.

What a Free Heart Love Looks Like

When you consider the attributes above, it may sound a lot like the sweet spot in time when you are technically single, but have met someone you are falling in love with. This correlation is a valuable one because if we can capture this time and extend it through the entirety of our relationship we’d have a really healthy one.

When you are engaged in a Free Heart relationship you have the these hallmarks.

The partners see the relationship as a continuation of self work not a deviation from it. The conventional relationship narrative is one of ‘losing’ yourself to a relationship. It’s seen as so romantic and a sign of commitment, so much so that we have to ‘be ready’ to be in a relationship which usually means abandoning our commitment to self for another. In a Free Heart relationship that demarcation point doesn’t exist. There is no time that you cross-over from yourself to another or need to abandon yourself to be truly available for a relationship. If the relationship isn’t seen as part of a person’s journey to themselves, or requires one to abandon themselves in any way, then it isn’t healthy. Free Hearts only engage when they know that the connection will bring them to a better version of themselves through the experience of loving the other person.

Relationship security comes from within the individuals not from the other partner. When we are single, and hopefully learn how to be happily alone, we receive a super power unlike any other. We are able to independently create a sense of safety and security. In a Free Heart relationship, this super power helps one to foster honesty and compassion with their partner and squash dependency and/or codependency. It also helps to eliminate the fear of change that can often come during the course of a relationship so you can authentically commit to unconditional love. When you know that you’ll be ok no matter what happens with another person you can do all this and more.

Each person has a robust life independent of their partner, so they have something to share with their partner. When you are single you’re free to ‘do you’ in all ways. That doesn’t change in a Free Heart relationship. Having independent experiences and relationships is actually highly-valued because the partners understand that supporting the robust life of their partner is what keeps the vitality of the relationship alive and supports the growth of their love.

Each person takes accountability for their emotional health and happiness, they don’t ‘find’ it in the other person. One of my favorite mantras is “Fixing and healing is on me, nurturing and enhancing is on you.” Taking responsibility for your emotional challenges (and we all have them) is at the core of a Free Heart relationship. When you are single you have no other choice but than to depend on yourself to deal with the unpleasant emotional wounds you have. As a matter of fact, being single MAKES you deal because there is no partner to distract you from the work. Free Hearts carry this accountability with them into relationships. What their partners do is provide nurturing for this work and focus on enhancing the relationship, instead of depleting it with their own emotional drama.

So, you see, you can be single and in a relationship at the same time, just keep your heart free.