How to Talk Abortion at the Dinner Table
By: Max Mapes
Tags: Holidays, Reproductive Rights, Abortion, Family, Dialogue

Photo by Libby Penner on Unsplash

by Max Mapes (they/them)

It’s the holiday season bb! That means a lot of us will be spending more time than usual with our family (hopefully virtually or socially distanced). Unfortunately, our family doesn’t always share our values and sometimes they say wack shit. While it can be tempting to bite your tongue, it’s important to challenge harmful behavior and beliefs whenever you can. But that’s a lot easier said than done, so we’re here to give you a few tips and tricks to talk about abortion at the dinner table.

Safety First

First things first — you should only engage in conversations (of any kind) if it’s safe (physically and emotionally) to do so. You also don’t want to make people from oppressed communities feel uncomfortable. If you’re bringing someone from an oppressed community to a family gathering, ask them how you can best support them if something happens.

Tips & Tricks

Remember: You Are Not the Problem

Often when we confront harmful behavior, we are accused of being rude, aggressive, or making everything about race, gender, etc. Remind yourself that whoever was being harmful is the rude, aggressive one who always brings up race, gender, etc. You are simply engaging in a conversation that they started.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Talking about social issues and managing conflict is a skill like any other and requires practice. Practice can look like listening to other people talk about social issues; engaging in low-stake arguments with friends who share your social values, but maybe disagree with your philosophy; or roleplaying with friends playing devil’s advocate (the only time anyone should play devil’s advocate).

Knowledge is Power

Knowledge is your best friend when it comes to arguments so being familiar with facts and figures around social issues is a must. “Abortion is a lot more common than we think” is more compelling when you add “1 in 4 women have an abortion before they’re 45.”

Ask Questions

Lecturing someone only gets you so far. Try asking questions too. For example, “Do you think individuals and their healthcare providers should make healthcare decisions or do you think the government should?” Sometimes the best person to convince someone they’re wrong is themself.

Know When to Hold and When to Fold

You can only get so far during a three-hour dinner, so set a reasonable goal. The amount of time you put into a conversation should vary depending on how different their values are. Sometimes just calling someone out is enough to get them to rethink their beliefs or at least never repeat them out loud.

Myth Busting 101

CW: RACIAL VIOLENCE, ANTI-BLACKNESS

Myth: Abortion is genocide / the most dangerous place for an African American is in the womb

Busted: Comparing abortion to genocide is offensive and infantilizing. It suggests Black women and other people of color with uteruses do not know what is best for their lives, their families, and their communities and shows a blatant disregard for and understanding of the very real systemic violence that Black people face every day.

CW: CLASSISM, RACISM, AGEISM

Myth: I support abortion, but I don’t think poor, Latinx and Black teenagers should use it as birth control.

Busted: Only 5% of abortion patients are below 18. The majority of abortion patients are white, 20 something, who already have children, and are using contraception. While poor people are more likely to get abortions than rich people, poor people are also less likely to be educated on or have access to contraception because of social circumstances.

Myth: I support abortion, but you shouldn’t be able to get a late-term abortion.

Busted: First, late-term abortion is a term coined by the anti-abortion movement, not the scientific community and has no scientific basis. Second, according to the CDC, only 1% of abortions happen after 21 weeks. People who have abortions after 21 weeks usually (1) find out about a fetal or maternal health concern that wasn’t or couldn’t be detected earlier in the pregnancy or (2) did not have access to abortion before 21 weeks due to legal, financial, or logistical barriers — this is especially true for poor people and people of color.

Myth: I support other people getting abortions, but I would never get one because they’re not safe

Busted: Abortion is one of the safest medical procedures performed in the United States. According to the CDC, 99% of abortions have no health complications. In those rare cases when complications do occur, they are similar to those that may occur from miscarriage, which ob-gyns and other health care professionals treat every day.

Myth: I support other people getting abortions, but I want to get pregnant someday / breast cancer runs in my family / I already have mental health problems

Busted: There is no scientific evidence that abortion negatively impacts fertility, risk of breast cancer, or mental health. In fact, the most common feeling after getting an abortion is relief. Most of the shame and guilt that some people feel comes from stigma, not their decision and to get an abortion.

Resources

Whew…that was a lot of information. But hopefully, you feel prepared to talk to grandpa about abortion now! If you don’t, I have good news: the internet exists. Here are a couple more resources for talking about abortion.

Abortion Conversations for the Holidays

Abortion Messaging Guide ← this is very long but very helpful

How to Talk About Abortion

Planned Parenthood: Abortion Fact Sheets & Reports

Guttmacher Institute: Abortion in the United States