Creating Holiday Happiness, When You Can’t Give What They Want
By: Jennifer Haubrich
Tags: Pandemic, Holidays, Teens, Parenting, Family

Creating Holiday Happiness, When You Can’t Give What They Want

Photo by Josh Boot on Unsplash

On Thanksgiving, I cooked all morning and we ate our holiday meal at mid-day. By 4 pm our family Zoom call was done, and the dishes had all been washed. My girls asked to get out the Christmas decorations and I couldn’t think of a reason to say no.

I’ve been trying to say “Yes” more these days, whenever possible.

This year has frequently told us all “No.”

By the end of the long holiday weekend, our house was completely decorated for Christmas, inside and out. We had even gone to the local tree farm and gotten not one, but two trees. We used every single ornament we own to decorate them. One of my girls helped me sort through the jumble of lights and put them up in the front yard. Everything looks great.

In a way, you could say that we are treating this holiday season as a long backward look at their childhood holidays.

It’s a stark contrast to last year. We were so busy between Thanksgiving and Christmas, we couldn’t find a single time that the four of us could go to the tree farm during daylight hours. Finally, three days before Christmas, my younger daughter and I went to a lot of trees and quickly chose one. We threw on the lights and put a couple of boxes of ornaments on. We knew it wouldn’t be up very long.

For years, December has felt hectic and rushed

This year, it’s the opposite. We are ready and waiting. It’s just that not much is going to happen, regarding our social life. No one is coming to visit or see our trees. There won’t be many presents under them or exchanged around them.

To parent a tween and teen right now is to bear witness to butterflies emerging from their cocoons only to find themselves trapped in a clear glass box.

They can see that there is a big world out there. They long to be a part of it.

Metaphorically, this means they futilely flap their wings against the invisible barrier. It’s simultaneously frustrating, lonely, and exhausting.

What this looks like in reality is too must time spent on social media, in the absence of other options for keeping up with their friends and the latest trends.

Our commitment to doing all we can to prevent the spread of COVID-19 means we are staying mostly at home, with few short visits outside with friends or extended family. But this choice prevents my girls from accessing the outside world in the way that they want.

Not surprisingly, at times, it led to bad moods and arguments over what is the appropriate amount of time spent online each day.

Finally, it led us to a radical decision

We decided to take away their smartphones for December. Not as a punishment, but to give them a different experience that we hoped would make them happier. When they can’t have what they want.

We don’t blame them for getting frustrated and sad. It was painful for me to see photos of their friends having fun at sleepovers and making TikToks at each other’s houses while my girls remained home too.

To see, but not be a part of something, creates a unique kind of pain that I now believe their generation knows better than any other.

This was another reason for taking away the phones. And though she didn’t say it, I’m sure it’s why one of my daughters wanted to give it up. The other went along, begrudgingly.

I hoped that we could make the cocoon of our home a little more comfortable and interesting to entice them to come back in, while fully assuring them that they will get out here one day (hopefully) soon. It seemed a kinder option than being stuck behind glass, desperately wanting to get out.

Our two-step plan for a happier holiday season

First, besides the phones, we all admitted what we must gently let go of right now. There are things we wish we could do, that we can’t this year.

We won’t go to church during Advent and won’t be going to our favorite candlelight service on Christmas eve. There will be no parties or cookie exchanges. No family will be coming to our house for Christmas. Friends won’t sleepover during the school break. We probably won’t even go to the ice rink with them.

For my older daughter, the biggest loss is not being able to perform in The Nutcracker. She misses ballet, her friends, and the camaraderie of rehearsals. We will all miss watching it almost as much.

Nothing we can do will make up for missing any of this.

But the absence of these events gives us time and energy for others. This is what we are trying to focus on the most, and it what enabled us to quickly see positive results from our no-phone experiment.

Doubling Down on What We Can Do

There are simpler pleasures we can still enjoy, and we are trying to do them all.

We are endeavoring to read all our favorite Christmas books together. We’ve already watched more Christmas movies than we normally do. Today after school one of my daughters and I completed a 1,000-piece puzzle depicting scenes from A Christmas Carol. We spent many happy hours chatting and working on it together.

I already sense the relief and relaxation they are feeling this month.

We sit and talk longer at the dinner table. Their homework is done earlier and they are getting enough sleep for a change. And I see their creativity coming out in ways they don’t normally have the energy for. One of them staged a fashion show starring our dog, complete with a curtained stage. The other has been taking her interest in drawing more seriously, with prolific results.

Instead of watching the world go by, they are living a smaller, but no less interesting life, here at home.

They keep up with their closest friends via text and video chats on their computers, which offer real connection and conversation, but they aren’t living under the weight of social media and all that comes with it. And the technology no longer follows them around the house or outside.

As sisters, they’ve had a lot more fun together. And we’ve had more fun with them.

And we still plan to bake lots and lots of cookies.

Last night after dinner we drove around to see the holiday lights in town. When we got home, they thanked me. (If you have teenagers you understand the enormity of this.) We had fun.

Through it all, I keep complimenting and encouraging them and letting them know we are all in it together, and this situation will not last forever.

I hope, most of all, they remember feeling loved

Next year will be very different. They will want to spend lots of time with friends to make up for this year. And we plan to let them do it. December will be hectic and there will unlikely be time for puzzles, many movies, or reading books together. I may have to put those outside lights up myself as I usually do.

But I hope next year and long into the future they will fondly remember the additional time we are spending together as a family this year. How even with the limitations and the disappointments, we could make something out of it, and be happy. This year more than any other has made us take stock in all that we have to be thankful for, without asking for more.

For now, we are leaning into family time. It is bittersweet knowing it won’t last. Before long they will, rightfully, push away and head out into the world on their own.

In a way, you could say that we are treating this holiday season as a long backward look at their childhood holidays. We are doing a lot of the things we used to have more time to do when they were younger, so maybe it’s true. If it helps cement their memories of what the holidays were like for them as children, that will be a bonus.

No, this holiday season won’t look a lot like all our others, but it is certain to be memorable. And it’s not going to be all bad.

How could it, when we still have each other?