So Long, Sex Life
By: Liam Macadam
Tags: Covid 19, Parenting, Empty Nest, Sex, Sexuality

So Long, Sex Life

(Photo by Ekaterina Bolovtsova from Pexels)

Talking about the pandemic in a recent interview with Brené Brown, President Barack Obama said, “My daughters have been with us for months now, and I’m fine with it.” He imagines telling them, “Just move in. There’s no reason for you ever to leave”.

Brown replied, “Oh man, me too!”

Who are these people?

The pandemic has brought all kinds of misery worldwide. Too many have paid with their lives and their livelihoods. The lucky ones have merely had to put up with inconveniences like restaurant closings and ‘mask acne’.

But among these myriad inconveniences is a phenomenon only whispered about in certain circles. I’m talking about the effect on the sex lives of empty-nesters when their adult kids move back home to isolate with them.

I can’t tell you how many of my peers have confided in me that the return of their children has seriously cramped their style.

Our friends Ben and Lara recently told us how difficult it has been having their 25-year-old daughter around. After nine long months, they were elated when she decided to spend the holidays with her boyfriend’s parents halfway across the country. Finally, they would have some adult time alone at home.

At the last minute, however, their daughter announced that she and her boyfriend had decided to stay with Ben and Lara instead. That’s right, she didn’t ask — she announced.

I’ve met this young woman before. She’s smart and conscientious. I’m sure she was thinking ‘Won’t Mom and Dad be thrilled when they find out that the apple of their eye will be with them during the most wonderful time of the year, sparing them the heartache of a Christmas without their only child?’

You don’t have to ask someone if they want a million dollars, right? You just give it to them.

But this was not good news. No, no, no. Ben and Lara had experienced a miraculous reboot to their love life since they’d had the house to themselves the past two years. Among other things, they had acquired a taste for noisy lovemaking. Allowing their daughter to ride out the Covid-19 crisis in their home had been a real sacrifice.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all seething resentment. Ben and Lara love their daughter, and for the most part, have enjoyed having her around, but the lack of freedom had been getting to them. The cancellation of their two-week Christmas reprieve was crushing.

That’s just one case study among many. I should mention, by the way, that those ‘many’ include my wife and myself. We’ve had my 31-year-old son living with us for the last four months and have taken to going away to a hotel every second weekend for the luxury of not having to worry about how often and how loudly we have sex.

And it’s not all about carnal pleasure, by the way. Cuddling on the sofa just isn’t the same with an adult child sitting beside you texting his friends. We censor our conversations when sensitive topics arise, rather than speaking freely. We’re more careful about the shows we watch.

Oh, and we also make sure the sex toys and lube are safely tucked away when not in use, in case someone naively wanders into our bedroom looking for a clean towel.

Those of us in our 40’s and 50’s tend to think of the younger generation as more comfortable with sex than we are. And for the most part, that’s true. They are statistically more likely to experiment with different relationship styles, and to be more adventurous between the sheets.

But when it comes to empathically imagining what might be going on between their parents, they appear to be absolutely clueless.

I’m sure it’s never occurred to most kids that their mother might shout out obscenities when she orgasms.

What child ever wonders if their respectable father has a major spanking fetish?

In their years of having the house to themselves, empty-nester parents can get used to certain luxuries, like having sex wherever and whenever the impulse strikes them. How about in the kitchen before breakfast, or in the tv room after a sexy movie? Let’s go! That kind of freedom is hard to let go of when an adult child moves back in.

Every sensitive parent knows to make allowances when their son or daughter has a boyfriend or girlfriend over. Closed doors are respected. Interruptions are minimized. They’ll stay as far away in the house as practical, and maybe even turn up the TV a little louder to create a bit of a sound barrier.

But our culture programs children to think of their parents as asexual service providers. We offer them food, and shelter, and rides, and spending money, and endless affirmation. If they think about it at all, they might assume that their parents’ sex life shut down after the conception of the youngest child.

But let’s be honest — they don’t think about it. Not at all. Any time a parent so much as kisses their partner on the lips, shock sets in. Gross! Get a room! How am I supposed to unsee that?

And we, for the most part, are complicit in that mischaracterization. The idea of advocating for our own sexual freedom seems selfish, not to mention incredibly awkward. No one wants to be rebuked for providing tmi — too much information. Oversharing, especially when it comes to sexual matters, is a sin that only gets worse as you grow older.

So, we struggle in silence, furtively seeking pleasure when chance permits, like star-crossed lovers in our own homes.

You know, I happen to think Brené Brown is an excellent researcher and communicator. Furthermore, I believe Barack Obama is the most gifted politician of our times. That’s why I’ve decided I can forgive them if they were telling some little white lies about how delighted they’ve been to have their offspring back in the nest. After all, their kids might have been listening, and no parent — even if they’re a famous author or ex-president — seems to want to disturb their precious illusions.

They might, like me, take comfort in the likelihood that their kids will figure it out for themselves in another twenty or thirty years.