Practicing Forgiveness
By: Monica A.
Tags: Forgiveness, Journaling, Cognitive Behaviour, Anger, Self Improvement

Dear Reader,

Today we are going to talk about forgiveness.

What is forgiveness? It is the point where you are ready to let go and move forward from an unfortunate incident with another individual who has hurt you in some way. You had enough time to gain wisdom and perspective — you have experienced a new part of yourself that allows you to see this person in another light, acknowledge them for teaching you a valuable lesson, or challenge in life, and to no longer feel the need to think ill of them. You may choose to reach out, let them know you forgive them, and learn how to create important boundaries for yourself.

The fact that you are capable of forgiving says a lot about you. It shows that you have worked hard to understand why this person hurt you, understand what doesn’t serve you, and get closer to understanding your values and how you wish to apply those values in everyday life. In other words, you learn a lot about yourself and you take responsibility for the people you choose to bring into your life, and in the future, you will not allow unhealthy patterns to return. You most importantly take responsibility for yourself.

Forgiveness is also the simple practice of letting go. It is what we do when we meditate — instead of swimming in our thoughts and feelings, we witness them — we witness the pain, victimization, threat, sadness — acknowledge that it’s present and let it go like a wave that is never meant to remain onshore. If you are unfamiliar with the app Headspace, created by public speaker and health advocate Andy Puddicombe, I recommend you to check it out. The library is rich with tools you can use to learn how to move forward while listening to Andy’s wise words. Additionally, clinical psychologist, meditation teacher and author, Tara Brach has exceptional resources that you can find on her website and the free Insight Timer app. She combines Western and Eastern practices that help to enhance awareness and allows us to be comfortable when feeling emotions we wish to avoid, such as anger and bitterness towards others. She also shares personal stories as examples to remind us that we are not alone.

The process of forgiveness starts with you. You learn how you choose to process negative situations and how you react to them. Aside from learning what doesn’t serve you when interacting with other individuals, you learn and track how other patterns of behavior aside from forgiveness have benefited you in the past. Has isolation instead of forgiveness helped you? For example, has it helped you to believe that all people hurt you and conclude it’s better to be antisocial? Another example is creating beliefs that everyone is out to get you. In this example, you respond by being defensive and shouting back or giving someone the cold shoulder. These are possible behaviors that are not forgiveness. The process of forgiveness starts with exploring how you tend to approach being a victim and work to break those patterns to be more productive and improve the relationships you have with the right people. It’s a positive form of cognitive restructuring.

Think about yourself — how you are responding to the pain. Think of how you have approached feelings of anger in the past, and track how those behaviors aside from forgiveness have helped you. It begins with healing yourself first. When you are happy with yourself, it is so easy to forgive and to face pain — because you know your worth and where you stand. You know yourself better than anyone.