6 Tips I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before the Baby was Born
By: Walter Rhein
Tags: Parenting, Baby, Advice, Love, Family

6 Tips I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before the Baby was Born

Photo by Jill Sauve on Unsplash

Having a baby is a joyous moment of celebration. However, it is also a huge amount of work and few of our social customs are designed to actually prepare the parents for what they’re truly in for.

We spend a lot of time with gender reveals and baby showers, but how much time is actually spent reassuring new parents that any fears and anxiety they might be experiencing are nothing to be ashamed of? How much time is spent setting up support networks to ensure that the parents feel confident and comforted?

It’s dangerous to take an irresponsible approach that puts even more pressure on the parents than they already feel. Here are six important tips that will help ease the transition of new parents into what will become the best part of their lives.

1. There won’t be a mad dash to the hospital

Every film or television show that features a pregnancy inevitably ends up with a dangerous, high-speed chance to the hospital. Filmmakers can’t resist indulging in the hilarity of watching a desperate, sweaty father break traffic laws on his way to the delivery room.

Maybe everybody else was in on the fact that this is a false exaggeration, but I remember feeling an enormous amount of anxiety about getting to the hospital as the due date arrived.

In my case, the reality was simply a matter of my wife saying, “My water broke.” Then we calmly walked to the car, drove to the hospital, and had the baby 18 hours later. There was no screaming and hyperventilating in the back seat. I drove at the appropriate speed limit all the way there and stopped at every red light.

Don’t buy driving gloves. Don’t think you have to wear a racing helmet. In the majority of cases, particularly the first child, there’s plenty of time between when your wife recognizes the baby is coming and when the baby actually arrives. Don’t drive recklessly or you risk harming yourself, your wife, and your child.

2. You’ll need a sleep support group

Everybody has heard of postpartum depression, but even though our society throws that word around a lot, few people understand what it means. Don’t dismiss the concept. Yes, you love your new baby with every fiber of your being. At the same time, in the first few weeks of your transition to motherhood or fatherhood, you might become overwhelmed by the changes in your life.

A lack of sleep can lead you to make very bad decisions and stupid mistakes. Sleep deprivation is powerful, remember that it’s used as an interrogation technique. Most people can power through a night or two of poor sleep, but when one or two nights becomes a week, you and your baby are put at risk.

You really need to establish a trusted contact that can come and take over child care so you can get a good night sleep every third night at minimum. This applies to both parents. You just need to accept your limitations as a human being and understand you can’t provide good care to your baby if you are totally exhausted. Take this seriously. Make sure you have the opportunity to get regular, uninterrupted sleep.

3. Don’t worry about everything at once

Don’t get caught up in the whirlwind of wondering where your child is going to go to college, or who s/he is going to marry. You have a whole lifetime to get to know your child. Don’t allow yourself to descend into panic about all the looming uncertainties. You have to focus on the moment, forget the anxiety, and experience the love.

Managing your own anxiety is one of the most important aspects of raising a child. It’s natural to feel concern, but you can’t allow that concern to get out of control to the point where it becomes a problem.

Give yourself permission to just not plan for the future for a while and enjoy the moment. We are not all-powerful beings. We do our best, but unexpected things happen. Use that knowledge to help motivate you to be the best parent every day.

4. Understand that the father’s experience is different

Remember that the mother has carried the baby within her body since the moment of conception. No matter how attentive, loving, and caring a father is, he has been physically separate from the child throughout the pregnancy. After the birth, the father must be given his opportunity to strengthen his connection.

There is a natural process that must take its course. Make sure the father has the opportunity to be involved. Recognize that there are a lot of social pressures that are designed to divert a father away from a newborn that the father will have to overcome. The father must be allowed and encouraged to share all the responsibilities from changing to feeding to waking up in the night.

Well-meaning people sometimes push the father away. The father has to stand up for himself along with the support of the mother and be allowed to define the type of father he is going to be. In this case the father must insist on choosing his fair share of sleep deprivation and dirty diapers. Taking on all the vital obligations from the first moment is imperative.

5. Make sure the baby falls asleep on you every day

This is important for both the father and the mother. Physical contact is where the loving relationship is strengthened into something that transcends anything else you’ll experience in your life. Your baby can’t talk to you, and won’t even be able to maintain eye contact at first, but you need to work on your bond.

Allowing your baby to fall asleep on your chest puts you at ease and gives you a chance to get to know your child. It helps diminish the anxieties you feel as a new parent, and gives you the strength to get through all the new complications of your life.

When your baby falls asleep on your chest, being a parent starts to make sense. With so many new and different things, you need that developing stability.

6. Make use of the nurse hotline

A baby can only communicate through crying. Usually it means they are hungry, tired, or they need to be changed. Don’t overthink it, just go through the checklist and attend to these needs. You’ll develop a sense of normal behavior for your child, and if something is out of the ordinary, do not hesitate to seek medical advice.

Because you are tired and you are burdened with the regular stresses of life, it’s easy to overlook a simple solution and descend into panic. If you have any doubts whatsoever, call up the local nurse hotline and they can help you work through the problem. Be mindful of fevers and give yourself permission to just not go into work the next day.

Forget about bills, forget about everything. Your child is first. Babies don’t get sick at convenient times. This is one of those moments when you are right in making the whole world bend around your schedule. Prepare yourself mentally beforehand to put aggressive influences in your life in their place. If you have to miss work and you get fired, you can find another job. That perspective is imperative.

Just be there

At the end of the day, the most important thing for you to do is to just be there. When you start feeling anxious, take a deep breath and never hesitate to call up members of your trusted network for help or advice.

As a new dad or a new mom, you have plenty of time to figure things out. All the new things will become routine, and your life will be filled with joy. It is going to be an enormous amount of work, however.

Don’t beat yourself up if you feel moments of stress or anxiety in the first few weeks or months. These feelings are natural and are a result of the enormity of the task before you. Allow yourself responsible moments of self-care and give the people you love and trust the chance to help you when you need it. They say it takes a community to raise a child, but until you actually have a child, you might not understand what that means.

You will need help, and you are allowed to ask for it and receive it. We all want you to succeed. Good luck!