A Procrastinator’s Guide to Writing
Tags: Satire, Self Help, Nonfiction, Comedy, Humor

How to start writing tomorrow… or the day after

Photo by Zhang Kenny on Unsplash

Are you one of those guys who write 3,000 words even before getting out of bed? Don’t worry, I am not judging you. You may have a smug smile of satisfaction on your face because you are so productive. But if we are being honest here, you know deep in your heart that you have always flirted with the idea of procrastination.

Just for once in your life, you want to wake up at ten in the morning and do absolutely nothing. You want to know how it feels to watch a three-hour World War II movie when you have a two-hour deadline. You want that adrenaline rush that a writer’s life does not provide.

That’s why I have created a neat little guidebook to help you. Follow this process and you can enjoy the benefits of procrastination in no time.

1. Set an alarm for 4 AM

And 5 AM and 6 AM and 7 AM. Continue the one-hour intervals until you finally wake up at 1 PM.

2. Eat lunch.

Preferably at a chic little café that is always nearly empty. Invariably, the only other person at the café is *surprise* another writer. Bond with him and discuss your writing process. Ask him whether he writes his first drafts on a computer or in longhand.

(the answer is longhand)

3. Check your email

Now that you’ve got some healthy food going around your belly, it’s time to sit down at your computer and w̵r̵i̵t̵e̵ check your mail. Most of it is unimportant and the rest is unnecessary. But if you want to procrastinate, you should allocate at least 30 minutes for emails. Don’t ask why. It is just part of the process.

4. Open up a blank Word document

Now stare at it.

Continue staring.

Type a single word.

Delete it.

Continue staring.

5. Pivot to YouTube

Open the YouTube app in the name of research. If your lead character wears a hat, you shouldn’t write another word until you find out everything you can about the evolution of hats over the past two centuries.

Make it a point to dive headlong into random YouTube rabbit holes from time to time. It is always fun to start at a simple cooking video and end at a conspiracy theory titled: 5 reasons why Obama is an alien from Tatooine.

6. Take your dog for a walk

Fresh air is important. For your dog as well as you. Besides, you can get your best ideas while picking up your dog’s poop.

7. Prepare dinner

Nothing fancy. Just something to eat while you watch two e̶p̶i̶s̶o̶d̶e̶s̶ seasons of Seinfeld.

8. Write drunk and edit sober

If it worked for Hemingway, it could work for you. The only downside is that when you edit sober, you may not understand a word of what you have written.

The solution: Write drunk, edit drunk.

9. Hit the bed

It’s been a long day and your head is buzzing. You have barely written anything. Don’t worry. Today may be over but tomorrow is always there. That’s your mantra. Repeat it every night before going to bed.

Now set an alarm for four in the morning. Everyone knows that early mornings are the best time to write.

10. Stay awake for another two hours and shitpost on Twitter.

What fun is social media if you don’t post wisecracks in a celebrity’s feed? If you are a comedy writer, this is a good way to practice your skills in the real world.

Bonus tip: check out the #amwriting hashtag to find fellow procrastinators online. Trust me, there are hundreds of them at any given time of the day.

11. Write

Remember that short story that you have been putting away for three months? Turns out, it was just a twenty-minute piece of work.

Final thoughts

Procrastination is not something you pick up overnight. It is a way of life. You need to make it a part of your daily schedule. Follow it sincerely for three months and in the end, you too shall become a ‘Master Procrastinator’.