How to Act Around a Person with Depression
By: Joanna Henderson
Tags: Mindfulness, Mental Illness, Psychology, Health, Mental Health

Things You Should Not Say to a Depressed Person

There are specific phrases and statements you shouldn’t be saying to someone struggling with depression. This should be common sense, but depending on how educated you are on the topic, you may not be aware of the consequences these words carry. So, please sit down and take notes.

“I don’t believe in depression.”

It doesn’t matter if you believe it in or not — it exists anyway. Depression isn’t something people made up with; it’s a medical diagnosis and a legitimate illness. Your personal opinion on the topic doesn’t override the official position of the entire medical community worldwide.

This is one of the worst statements you can come up with. Not everyone who’s depressed is entirely on good terms with their diagnosis, especially if this is a recent development in their medical history. They may be vulnerable, lost, scared, and confused. They are doing their best to cope and accept their situation, which means the absolute worst you could do is poke at them with a sharp stick. An individual who’s diagnosed with depression is experiencing what might be the worse hardship in their lives, and they might be coming to terms with their condition. Devaluing this condition can cause great harm.

It doesn’t matter if you believe it in or not — it exists anyway.

“You just need a hobby.”

Photo by Dương Nhân from Pexels

News flash: they now have a hobby — depression! This “hobby” might stay with them for a while, and it may also go away and come back at any point. Most likely, your friend has a ton of hobbies as it is. Another news flash: none of those hobbies prevented them from getting depressed in the first place. Please don’t mix up the treatment plan, such as more active social life and coping mechanisms, with the causes and nature of their illness.

Imagine coming over to someone with a leg cast and telling them they need a hobby. A hobby won’t cure their broken limb.

“It’s all in your head.”

Thank you, Captain Obvious. Of course, it’s in their head. Guess what? It doesn’t make it any easier. And the broken leg is a part of your body — so what? Is that a cure? No, the cast is the cure, similar to a depression treatment plan.

As Albus Dumbledore said in “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” — J.K. Rowling.

“You need to fill up your schedule and stop thinking about it.”

While this is a sweet sentiment, filling up their schedule won’t fix the problem. It’s a way to self-distract and avoids their illness, not a solution. The more they attempt to pretend everything is all right, the worst it gets. There is a difference between planning social life to help with depression while receiving help and improving mental health, and pretending that everything is okay while making no progress.

Furthermore, increasing the number of work hours can lead to exhaustion, burnout, and suicidal thoughts. South Korea is well-known to have a high number of suicides due to its citizens working more extended hours compared to other nations on the planet. According to Welcome to the Jungle, Koreans see 25 suicides per 100,000 citizens, and almost 20% of their population admits having 10 or more drinks every week trying to cope with stress.

Don’t tell your friends to work harder and longer hours. It may harm them significantly.

“I don’t believe in anti-depressants (or therapy, mindfulness).”

Again, you don’t need to believe in anything — it exists, whether you like it or not. Anti-depressants are approved by medical specialists and scientists worldwide. Therapy has been a known strategy not only for those with depression but for anyone struggling with an issue. Mindfulness is a practice actively followed around the world.

There is no need for you to believe or not believe. Your friend is following the plan their medical specialist provided him. If it requires them to take medication — they have to take medication. If there are no meds, but meditation and reflection journals are a part of it — they will have to do it.

Unless you are a licensed specialist with a medical degree and many years of experience, keep your opinions to yourself.

“But you seem so happy all the time!”

Yes, it takes much effort to put on a facade of calmness and professionalism. It doesn’t mean that the depressed person isn’t slowly dying inside. You also won’t see them cry in the break room during lunch, but they still do it. If someone looks composed and well-put-together, it doesn’t change the fact they might be hanging by a thread. Most of us don’t want to affect others around us negatively.

Unless you are a licensed specialist with a medical degree and many years of experience, keep your opinions to yourself.

“Why are you depressed? You have everything!”

It’s not a matter of having everything or having nothing. One’s possessions and accomplishments don’t dictate happiness and a healthy mental state. If someone who’s depressed drives a Tesla Model X and owns three condos, it doesn’t mean they are mentally healthy, happy, and in peace with themselves.

Similarly to this, some people look at celebrities and expect them to be perpetually happy and well. However, a lot of famous people are admitting they have or had mental issues. They tell us about their struggles with mental health, which is an excellent example of how no one is safe from depression and other mental disorders. It’s phenomenal that celebrities are using their voices to discuss such important topics.

Having everything doesn’t constitute being fine. People from less fortunate countries probably look at us and think we have everything; therefore, we must always be happy. This is not always the case.

“Just snap out of it.”

I can’t just snap out of it, Karen. There is no “snapping out” of depression in a matter of seconds. Approach this the same way you would approach a patient with a broken leg. Are you going to tell him the same thing? I imagine this dialogue:

“Hey, man, just snap out of it!” “Um… My leg is broken, and I have a cast.” “It doesn’t matter. Snap out of it!”

You understand how ridiculous this is. Mental illness requires proper treatment and often involves multiple doctors’ approval. It takes months or even years. So, please, don’t suggest anything that can be upsetting to your friend who has depression. It will only make them feel worse, if not worthless.

“My friend, Kevin, dealt with his depression in a month, so can you.”

I’m super happy for Kevin, but everyone is different. Every mental issue is unique, as well. There is no one-size-fits-all approach. Even if two people have the same problem, they may have been treated differently. Maybe they have been taking different medications or taught different coping mechanisms. Something as small as work schedule can make a difference in one’s mental health, because depression can manifest earlier in the day for some people, and later for others. Even a slight variation in the diet can spark a change. Therefore, don’t mention any Kevins. You don’t know their precise diagnosis and mental state.

“You need to try this [insert mushroom/vitamin/online class].”

No, I don’t need to try the magical mushroom. If a doctor doesn’t approve a treatment, the patient with a mental problem should not be exploring it. Again, if something worked for one person, it doesn’t mean it will work for another one. There are thousands of people claiming online that they find a cure for depression, cancer — and a ton of other diseases. If the doctor doesn’t approve it, it’s not happening.

“Your anti-depressants are making it worse. Try aromatherapy instead.”

Thank you, Karen, but lavender oil won’t cure the depression. Orange oil won’t help either. While it’s nice to turn on the diffuser and spray the oils, this isn’t a treatment plan. Lavender does indeed calm you down, and sweet orange oil scent may distract you from spiralling down the negative thoughts rabbit hole. However, this is a temporary solution. Essential oils are not FDA-approved as an anti-depressant.