My Struggles with Mania and Goal Setting
By: Danko Weedburn
Tags: Goal Setting, Manic, Mania, Bipolar, Stress

Stress is a huge trigger for my hypomania or maybe even full-blown mania. I’m sure I’m not alone when it comes to the stress that 2020 has given, and this stress has compounded many mental health issues for people not just myself. When I get manic I easily get bored, anxious, restless, and oddly even depressed when I’m not working towards a goal. When I don’t set myself well-structured goals, I might likely go with my impulses, which can be dangerous if left unchecked.

Unfortunately, a few years ago, I have fallen into debt partly due to my mania. Although it was and still is difficult to face myself with what I had done a couple years ago, I decided to get control of my finances. I was lucky to have my wife help me manage my finances at first, but to be truly accountable, I had to be able do it myself. I started reading self-help books and started making goals for myself. One of the things I learned is that setting-up goals, is never ending. If I were to write a self-help book, I would say that you can eventually find success when you set goals, plan for execution, follow through with your plan, and then reset your goals when the desired outcome is not achieved. Although I must admit that I have been stuck at constant reset mode. I did not realize right away that the first thing I had to tackle was learning how to set goals properly.

Before I made my first Medium post as Danko Weedburn, I had a good talk with my brother regarding my goals as writer. I said I was feeling overwhelmed and that I wanted to just stop writing since the whole task of being a successful writer seems like a daunting impossible task. I said that I can’t seem to find the time and energy to write because of my day job. I voiced my frustrations with my financial situation and not being able to “afford to do my own thing creatively”. He asked me what my purpose of writing was. He followed it up with a question, “Are you living to write, or writing to live?” I could not answer it correctly, since I was so focused on my debt. I got lost in following money as my main goal. I was too focused on whether my writing will make money or not, before focusing on how I loved to write. I knew I needed to reflect and reset my goals once more.

I had to review what I learned in Nursing School wherein you must be S.M.A.R.T. in your goal setting. It means that goals should be Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Timely. We were also taught to make long-term and short-term goals. Again I must admit that I struggle with making nursing care plans as well, and to be even more honest I still struggle with making realistic goals for my own life.

In my recent reset, I realized that in my previous goals, I was wanting to achieve so much in so little time since I was focused on my want for money. I just had to forgive myself for that twisted manic logic. Looking back, it was likely that I don’t set goals for myself when I’m depressed and that I start setting huge unrealistic goals when I’m manic. I knew that this time, I had to really look at my reality and what I have due to life’s circumstances. I am currently grateful to have a full-time job, but that also means that the time I can devote to my craft is very much limited. I am also faced with the reality of having to pay the bills and keeping a full-time job.

I reflected on the previous goals that I have set for myself, including the most recent ones. The most recent goals I set for myself was not attainable since timing was not right. I wanted to finish my novel in just year. Although I had two self-published non-fiction books, I had no prior experience of writing a novel. For my next goals, I had to really look at myself and be honest to filter out the manic logic from my actual dreams and aspirations.

I may not have any readers yet, but I want to put my dreams in writing and send it out to the universe. I do have a general life goal, which is to be the best artist I can be. I want my days to be filled with creating art, whatever form it may be. But to follow the S.M.A.R.T. format, my long-term goal for the next 5 years is to finish the novel I’ve been working on. For the medium-term goal, I want to continue to speak freely with my new pen name, Danko Weedburn and have a weekly blog post on Medium.com for a whole year. My other medium-term goal is to be able to complete a fully polished short story before the end of June of next year. For the short-term, I want to keep writing daily, for an hour a day, maybe 2 hours during the weekend if time persists. I just want to have days filled with writing projects, even if they are self-imposed. The readers will come when they come and to answer my brother’s question, I am living to write.