Why Do I Feel So Alone in a Supportive World?
By: Justin Dickens
Tags: Self Love, Vulnerability, Nonbinary, LGBTQ, Divorce

Why Do I Feel So Alone in a Supportive World?

Photo courtesy of auther. A night sky from a autumn cabin trip… checkout this Neil deGrasse Tyson video. This is how I feel about my place in the cosmos and my connection to others https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0azoN7t3UhM

I feel very alone, and I don’t want to. Allow me to explain the breath of that. First, I am privileged. I am supported by so many people, I have a salaried job, and I’m not without food to eat or a place to sleep. I I could go on… and on. Although, despite all that support, love and safety, I feel like I’m on an adventure, not sure where to go, and without a guide.

I’m in a leadership academy (I don’t know how else to describe the year-long experience) and today we talked about personal support systems. While reflecting on the different sources of support, I found language for a bit of what I’m feeling. I couldn’t write any names for guides, or people who have “been there, done that”. If we are talking professionally, I started a new job with no training, no boss (they got hired a month later), and no real knowledge of what I was supposed to be doing. I’m still learning as I go. What am I doing professionally in 5 years? I don’t know anymore. Where do I want to live? I don’t know. As for my personal life, well as you may know, I’m getting a dissolution of marriage, which makes me newly single during a global quarantine and the holiday season. Oh I’m also basically coming out to the world as non-binary (or trans I guess).

Today, as I felt myself disconnecting from a pretty headsy discussion, I realized I desired a more emotional connection. I thought I must want more of that from fellow cohort members (and I think I would enjoy that) but really what it told me is what I seek outside of that space. I’ve long wanted to feel emotionally connected. I’m grateful for all the advice and affirmations I’ve received, but even with all that support, I often feel alone in figuring a lot of this stuff out. How many non-binary divorcee’s do you know? That’s how I feel tonight, not sure of what to do with my night. So, I check my phone incessantly. Who viewed my posts? Did that one human see it? Who could I maybe connect with? Is anybody connecting with me? This is why I deleted the dating apps. In addition to my assumption about not getting “likes” as somebody whose missing teeth, divorced, and wearing a dress (I intentionally chose my photos), I was non-stop checking them. It was not moving me toward radical self-love.

I think I’ve made some coded, half-hearted pleas for help, but I haven’t directly asked. How hard have I actually tried to be guided? The truth is, I haven’t at all. My guard is still up and even if you think I’ve been peeling back layers, I’m still very much an intact onion. Just because I want to be vulnerable and know the immense value of being vulnerable, that doesn’t mean I’m being vulnerable. Even if you think I’m being vulnerable, I know I’m not being as open as I want to be. And, that! Is the struggle. I’m still hiding, waiting for some beautiful soul to come save me, as if this is some damn fairytale. You all might be thinking that Justin is handling all this so well. I often hear about my resiliency, bravery and vulnerability. But, even if I’m doing some of that well, I assure you, it’s mostly a façade. Or, at least no where near the depth I want to go. It’s more of a fake it till you make it feeling.

So, here is my direct ask. If you have time and energy, I welcome connection. How have you coped with and moved forward from divorce? In all the affirming responses to my first divorce announcement, one person gave advice that I honestly didn’t want at the time. It’s actually the only response I remember verbatim. Tell me what I need to know, even if I don’t want to know. Especially if I don’t want to know it. I’m asking to be challenged, supported, pushed, loved, nudged, comforted. Respond to my post or blog. Share a story of yours. How have you navigated divorce? Dating outside of the norms? I’m not alone in being or looking for love outside the norms (sizeism, ableism, racism, classism, xenophobia, transphobia, biphobia… the list goes on, like, forever. How do you cope with loss? How do you ignite new romances during covid? How do you stay motived for your dreams? How do you focus on yourself, finding peace in aloneness, and not needing another human (or several) to provide that for you? How do you choose happiness each and every day, regardless of all the reasons you feel you “shouldn’t”?

Tonight I’m drinking some wine. I know it’s not the healthiest coping mechanism. I come from an alcoholic parent, so I understand why alcohol takes over people’s lives. Fortunately, I’ve restricted myself from hard alcohol, but I still feel the power of alcohol dependence none the less. I know the difference between socializing and numbing (I’m choosing to fail in this way today and try harder tomorrow). On the topic of family, do you want to guess how many times my parents have called me since I told them I was too feminine for my marriage? Or my grandma? They love me and I know that, but there is a reason I didn’t use the “non-binary” language in my convo with them. I would be lying if I pretended like that wasn’t also weighing on me (and yes, I know I can call them and that it’s a two-way street).

I appreciate all the support you all have shown me. I mean, you all already raised over $1,000 for me to get my smile back. I really can’t complain. I am so so so grateful. It’s just that I’m struggling right now, and I want to feel connection. Honestly, truthfully, I know in my soul I want to be romantic, intimate, sexual. It’s been along time and that’s personally important to me while I’m on this planet. Maybe I even want to start a family? I don’t know but now at 31 years old and without that possibility, it makes me think. The gentle challenger who suggested I wait a long time, and work on myself. Thank you. I love that you care for me. I’m trying.

If I learned anything from my last post, it’s that I don’t want to try to be the perfect writer. The point of all this is to mess up, overstep, and learn. While I don’t want to hurt others in the process of voicing my journey, I do want to just vomit it out sometimes. All the refining, changing of words, and deleting of feelings. Sometimes I just want to check in with the world and welcome connection. That’s what I feel tonight’s is. I’m not even sure I’m proud of everything I wrote. I think it’s the truth though. I’m managing, but I’m also struggling….. I really want to be thriving.