The Lunatic Fringe Guide to The Apocalypse
By: Jo Cohen
Tags: Self Improvement, Politics, Humour, Science Fiction, Satire

The Lunatic Fringe Guide to The Apocalypse

Survival by (odd) numbers.

Let’s face it, the world is coming crashing to an end. Whether it’s the inevitable environmental disaster or the imminent nuclear war between the US, Russia, China and whoever the fuck else they manage to wind up, we are heading for the exit, stage left. We have a choice: cry into our cornflakes and await the end, or start planning for a post-apocalyptic existence. As lunatics, we have a moral duty to take the path of most resistance, so we’re gonna ride this one out.

Here’s how, in three simple steps:

UPSKILL

“tilt shift photography of bonfire” by Lukas Robertson on Unsplash

We are the great un-skilled generation, because technology has rendered us useless. Sure, we’re all experts at giving ourselves RSI and crippling anxiety issues through all that time spent scrolling through pictures of good looking people with better lives than ourselves on social media, but how many of us can start a fire using only a piece of moss and a whistled melody? How many of us can orientate to the nearest source of underground water going by the smell of our own flatulence alone? Not bloody many of us, that’s how many.

Yet, fear not. There is time! We have days, hours, minutes, whatever, until the apocalypse takes hold. Donald Trump isn’t even out of bed yet. So, let’s get cracking on our survival skills now and ensure we’re READY when the reckoning smashes into our faces like slurry after an explosion in an abattoir. Get whistling!

STOCK UP

“plastic organizer with labels” by Raymond Rasmusson on Unsplash

We need to think tactically here. Of course, we’re going to need enough tins of food to sink the titanic, as well as storable basics like dried grains, pulses and salt. That’s basic. We also need to source other important, obscure objects, in order that our post-apocalyptic lives are full and meaningful. We recommend investing in a life-time supply of underpants, guitar strings and dry wall plugs as an absolute priority.

When the other survivors lose the will to live, having worn the same pair of briefs for twelve years and played the two string guitar by the campfire for sixteen generations, we’ll be fresh as daisies in our crisp knickers, teasing bright and beautiful overtones out of our 12 strings in our magnificent guitar orchestra. Also, crucially, thanks to our dry wall plug investment, our shelving units will stay UP, when all around us they will have come crashing. As they say in The Survivalists Bible, Chapter 3: Take care of the shelves and everything else will follow.

We got this. Right? Right.

MAKE A PLAN

“blue ballpoint pen on white notebook” by Med Badr Chemmaoui on Unsplash

We’ve got our steady shelves up, our clean briefs on, our 12 string guitar playing is on fleek and we’ve mastered the art of flatulence wayfaring. Now it’s time to implement our plan to re-establish humanity across the barren wastelands that we once called Earth. In order to implement our plan, we have to have a plan. Like they say at Cub scouts: Fail to prepare; prepare to fail. So, let’s get down to it.

The best thing about this part, is that it is EXACTLY the same as being God. The world is a blank canvas. Once we’ve worked out a way to eradicate the trillions of mega-tonnes of carbon, and fertilise the irradiated soil, we can make hay with our very own garden of Eden. Only this time, we won’t have Eve eat the apple. Or crucify christ. Or any of that foolish shit. We’ll cast the world in an image that we see fit. We’ll create our own lunatic paradise. Armageddon is not the end, brothers and sisters, it is an opportunity. Get out the etch a sketch and start writing that plan. God knows, we’ve not got long left.

WE CAN DO THIS!

Stay young, lunatics — the apocalypse will not be televised.

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