An honorable mention to platonic soul mates
Tags: Love Letters, Friendship, Love

Life has a way of showing you what really matters when everything is crumbling around you. Like most of us, I felt a looming sense of doom after leaving a failed relationship. I was depressed, anxious, unable to eat or sleep for days — but the only thing that kept me going was the idea that the best is yet to come, and boy was I right.

The worst part was realizing I was completely isolated. I had pushed away my friends and family for fear of them seeing what a tremendous toll the relationship was taking on me. They knew the gist, and they openly discouraged me from pursuing what they perceived to be a dead end for me. I held fast to my wishful thinking, and within that frame of mind, I grew a fondness for seclusion where I was able to fixate, obsess, and torture myself with over thinking.

I know, it was the wrong call. The aftermath from the trauma was heavy, I knew I couldn’t handle it on my own. I reached out to my friends, I’ll admit I was nervous at first because I expected rejection and hostility. I had discarded them upon hearing their point of view on my relationship and it was not a graceful separation by any means.

Instead of backhanded retorts and the picking apart of my transgressions toward them, the surprising reality was me being welcomed back with open arms - an abundance of shoulders to cry on, and a seemingly endless supply of ready and steady hands to help me back onto my feet. My first month back in the swing of singledom was rough, I didn’t even know how to sleep alone. My friends rallied and took turns staying over, waking me up from night terrors and holding me while I cried and had panic attacks. That month set the stage for what I’m writing today, a love letter to the ones who stick around, even when you push them away.

It’s been a while of being single now, thankfully every single day I have had an unending stream of support, love, and cheering from the sidelines as I found myself again. I was fortunate enough to have income during the wretched year 2020 had come to be, and I had a roof over my head. I counted myself lucky to have a job I was good at. As time passed, I realized that while I was in my relationship I had lost sight of what my passions were. Actually let me be real, I had no idea what made me happy outside of a love connection. I felt free, but I had no sense of direction when it came to what I wanted for myself next.

Last month, I had an epiphany moment. Through all the conversations and late night emotional rants I realized I have important, valid things to speak about, a creative bee hive for a brain and something to offer the world aside from working a 9–5 corporate job. I tested the waters and wrote a few prose poems and essays to share with my friends. My words were received with praise and in some instances, tears. My heart was set on following through with pursuing my creative aspirations and I had all the support I needed from my peers. So there I was, employed but wanting more without the time to do what I felt in my bones was my calling.

What came next? I put my corporate job on the back-burner and focused on writing a novel, launching a website and creating content to test public interests I could tap into. Fivver, Upwork and Anchor have kept me busy and building a portfolio but still, this was one of the most reckless and ‘un-me’ things I had ever done. I was and still am terrified.

My childhood best friend has been my strongest ally since I can remember. We’ve known each other since we were 10 and is what I would call my twin flame, my voice of reason and my true north. “Unemployed” writers are prone to financial struggle, that’s a given. Instead of smacking me upside the head and convincing me to let go of my pipe dreams, she stood firm in her belief that I could figure this out and even paid offered to pay my rent to keep a roof over my head if need be. I struggled with writers block and recurring depressive episodes. Still, she calls me out on my mistakes, forces me face my failures head on and never gives up on me. Even when I feel defeated and unworthy, she always finds the words that keep me going.

My sister, with whom I’ve had a tumulus relationship in the past coincidentally moved into the same building a few months after my separation. She pushed me to build a routine where I’m productive and taking care of my health and wellbeing, something I had never incorporated into my life in the past. Our days are completely meshed together, she’s been relentless in her pursuit of helping me become myself again. To her — my built in bestie, I owe my sanity. After years of struggling to see eye to eye, we reached an understanding of who we each are, and grew a relationship with the foundation of “I am who I am, and you love me for it” which was something we both failed to do in our childhood.

Crazy right? How bonds are forged in trying times. I thought I would take years to laugh and enjoy life again, but yet another blessing in human form stuck through the good and bad.

I’ve always considered myself a hot mess, and in no way someone you should look up to. My other person is everything laughter, goodness and pure joy in this world. We met by accident through a mutual friends sister. Upon meeting she thought I was the coolest person ever. She’s five years my junior and still figuring her life out, but the struggles and uncertainty she had faced in her short time on earth were and still are a daily inspiration for me. Time and time again, we have hit rick bottom together. When the going got rough our bond was what pushed us through. Everyday with her is filled with belly busting laughter. She is sunshine in a person and I still wonder how she looks up to me, when I aspire to live life with the same joy that she radiates constantly.

Excluding those three forces of nature that I now understand I cannot live without, there is the rest of my friend tribe. I may not be the best at finding the right romantic connection, but every time I find myself falling into a rabbit hole of discontent and frustration I have my found my life partners are ready to carry me through the rut.

Sometimes all you really need is a loved one to tell you that you’re on the right path. Even when it seems unattainable, unimaginable, and impossible. I am endlessly grateful that my people chose me to walk through life together, come what may. My life has been a messy, chaotic mess since I can remember. Through the cracks I’ve seen that everything I need, is what I already have. Dinners, sleepovers and long walks may seem benign and irrelevant to most — but looking back, everything that I am and will be, I owe to my soulmates, my people, the love that we have for each other and the priceless moments we spend together.

Cheers to platonic soulmates, I pray you all have one — I’m just a lucky fool that stumbled upon more than one golden heart. Because of that, rock bottoms are the least of my worries.