The Best Response to an Insult Involves an Ancient Philosophy
By: Sarah Treleaven
Tags: Stoicism, Insults, Live, Philosophy, Self

It’s arguably easier now than any other point in history to be insulted. Tone gets lost in translation over text and email. Social media is a breeding ground for backhanded compliments (“You look great, I didn’t recognize you!”). General online incivility runs rampant in Twitter debates and comment sections.

While technology may be shepherding in a particularly nasty age, humans have long been concerned with how to cope with insults. It can often feel like the only good response is a zinger — we love a takedown, a good clapback, a commitment to standing up for yourself in the face of a cutting remark. But arguing online isn’t exactly great for your mental and emotional health — and for the sake of both your time and your psyche, it might be in your best interest to pause and imagine a different way. And, perhaps, to look to the past for inspiration.

In ancient Greece and Rome, the Stoics, a group of philosophers who preached the value of emotional resilience — and whose teachings have plenty of modern-day devotees — urged adherents to let insults go. “Many have taken small injuries much more seriously to heart than they need,” wrote the Stoic philosopher Seneca. “The best revenge,” advised fellow Stoic and Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, “is to be unlike him who performed the injury.”

The Stoic approach is just one of many ideas for how to handle conflict, but there’s one element of their philosophy that feels particularly applicable in these insult-happy times. The Stoics weren’t pushovers — they just knew that not all insults were created equal. And most importantly, they knew how to decide which ones to ignore and which to take to heart.

“Insults will be especially painful if they are delivered by people we like and respect,” says Nicholas Haslam, professor of psychology at the University of Melbourne — something that’s as true now as it was in the Stoics’ heyday. Imagine, for example, the difference in emotional reaction between having someone yell profanities as they cut you off in traffic, and realizing the driver is your mother-in-law. Or bringing a home-cooked dish to a potluck and hearing another guest remark that it’s oversalted, and then hearing your best friend agree.

In Stoicism, though, those more crushing examples — the mother-in-law, the best friend — are the exception to the rule: the ones that we should embrace rather than ignore. According to William Irvine, a professor of philosophy at Wright State University and author of the books Slap in the Face and A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy, the Stoics viewed an insult from a trusted friend or mentor as a personal favor, a clear opportunity for self-improvement that ought to be received with gratitude.

“You should pay extra attention to their input because they likely have some important insights about you,” Irvine explains. In Slap in the Face, he elaborated:

“When a chosen role model criticizes a Stoic, he will not take the criticism as an insult and therefore will not respond by getting angry. Or if he does experience anger, it will be directed not at the mentor but at himself.” Being grateful when you feel disrespected seems counterintuitive — but an insult from someone you respect is an insult informed by experience, and therefore one worthy of more careful consideration, even if it’s painful.

In practice, of course, this can be a hard mindset shift to achieve, but a good first step is to question your assumptions about the other’s intent. We tend to think insults are designed to be harmful, says Susan Whitbourne, professor emerita of developmental science at the University of Massachusetts Amherst. But, she says, that’s not always the case.

The line between an insult and a piece of well-intended constructive criticism is almost always subjective. Let’s say you’re deep in a Twitter back-and-forth when an old colleague of yours wades into the mix, replying to a particularly passionate point of yours with a link to an article that totally disproves it. You’re mortified, then wounded, then defensive: Is this person trying to publicly make you look dumb? Hadn’t you always gotten along? From their point of view, though, the reply was a helpful gesture, meant to inform or to prevent you from making the same mistake again.

Softening the impact of the insult, then, can be as simple as trying to insert yourself into the other person’s brain: What were they trying to accomplish with that comment? A perceived insult, flipped on its head, could be a lesson in empathy.

That’s not to say it won’t still sting. So much of our instinctual reaction to perceived insults — the sinking gut feeling, the naked embarrassment, the sense of betrayal — stems from our own vulnerabilities. Openly admitting that the person doing the insulting may be on to something requires addressing those vulnerabilities head-on.

“Do you want to create some sort of dream world where everyone pretends that you don’t have shortcomings?”

To engage more fully with what’s being said, Irvine suggests working to diminish sensitivity to your own imperfections — essentially, embracing the idea that you have flaws, and that sometimes, people are going to point them out. “We’re not perfect and we need to work on our weaknesses,” he says. “Do you want to create some sort of dream world where everyone pretends that you don’t have shortcomings?”

if you do feel a brief twinge of pain, just remember that being insulted is actually a core aspect of being human. In fact, it may even be a good thing. To be hurt is to be human. And anyway, despite its modern connotations, Stoicism was never about completely shutting down one’s feelings; instead, it was about harnessing them for growth, even when they were painful.

“We can insulate ourselves to some degree from the pain of insults by developing ways to re-interpret and discount them, but caring how others think of us is central to our human nature as social beings,” says Haslam. “Show me someone who genuinely feels no twinge of sadness, upset, or anger when they are insulted, and I’ll show you someone who is either asleep or a psychopath.”