How to Have Genuine Relationships in a Filtered World
By: Michelle Marie Warner
Tags: Self-awareness, Relationships, Self, Friendship, Social Media

How to Have Genuine Relationships in a Filtered World

Start with using discernment on social media

Photo by arvndvisual on Pixabay

“Is it live, or is it Memorex?”

The above quote is a tag line from a TV commercial in the 1980s. A long-haired rocker, shades on, is slouching in his lounge chair. He presses play on his cassette tape on his Walkman and Bam! The volume hits him with a blast, sending his hair flying.

It’s not live music, but it sure does sound like he’s at a concert. It’s the marvelous Memorex brand cassette tape recording making us feel like we’re really there. Back then, we’d use blank cassettes to record our favorite songs. We looked for the best quality, so we felt closer to the music. But it was never quite as good as being at a live concert. It was a facsimile of the real thing.

Our current relationships can feel that way. We view everyone through a filtered lens these days. We can change our appearance in digital photos and videos with a click. We can present ourselves however we choose. We can edit videos to change our voice, hairstyle, or background.

Though we know most people don’t look like the filtered version, we’re attracted to perceived perfection. It’s so normalized that we don’t stop to think about it anymore.

Take away those bags under your eyes, Mama. Clear up your blemishes and make your skin glow. More people will like you. You’ll get more attention. You’ll feel better about yourself.

Womxn get these messages every day. If only we could be perfect. We have the magic of makeup to contour our features, lengthen our lashes, and so on. The media told me I needed to improve my looks since I was a young girl. Now we do digital magic tricks on the internet. There’s an entirely new level of enhancements available to us.

I have relatively healthy self-esteem, and I filter most of my selfies. We all compare ourselves with others to an extent, no matter how good we feel about our appearance. And if everyone on social media uses a filter, the contrast is sharper without one.

I recently joined Facebook dating. I look at photos of potential dates, trying to figure out who they are when they’re not on social media. I appreciated one gal’s variety of pictures, one or two showing what she probably looks like in “real life.” I hope my photos show the same. I found her more attractive when I saw she was a real person. She wasn’t just a copy/paste model I could only see on a screen.

But I admit, I’ve clicked off of others’ profile pics because I didn’t find them physically attractive. What if they just didn’t use a filter, and they’re an awesomely genuine human worth getting to know? Even a raw photo doesn’t show what someone looks like in person, anyway. I won’t ever know unless we have an actual conversation.

I’m curious to meet people in 3D. That’s why meeting online has never appealed to me. We don’t get to see their body language, hear their voice, or pick up on subtle cues associated with both. And we don’t experience the reality of being human.

Humans are messy and complicated. We fart, burp, and break out in pimples. We get spinach stuck in our crooked, less-than-porcelain white teeth. We don’t have filters to hide behind when we’re standing face to face. There are times we say the wrong thing, and we can’t delete it. But at least we can be honest and genuine. Even when someone is lying, many of us can tell by looking at them. We can have spontaneous conversations without do-overs.

Online communication is contrived and orchestrated in such a way that we don’t get a chance to make mistakes. When we do misspeak in writing, we might get hundreds of people cutting us down. Misunderstandings run rampant as we try to explain ourselves in a comment on a post. I want to see what we’ve been hiding behind the screen. My desire has grown since so many people started spending more time online.

Musicians and actors filter themselves all the time. It’s now popular to share what they look like without makeup or fancy clothes. But mostly, we don’t ever get to know them. They’re a mirage. It’s their job to put on a performance. We celebrate or condemn them according to their public personas.

I know they’re humans who happen to be talented actors. But being an actor is in itself part of our filtered perspective. They act one way on stage and screen, then step off into an entirely different personality.

But damn, we’re all sort of flailing about here. What are we going to do about the façade of social media in our relationships? Our friendships take on a different flavor when we can’t see them for who they are. With our internet-only friends and acquaintances, how do we reconcile the filter we view them from?

How do we have genuine relationships in a filtered world?

Use discernment on social media

We know not everything we see online is real, but we can start believing it is when filtered images relentlessly pop up on our news feed. Stay alert to what others present to you as fact or truth, including selfies.

Young womxn are particularly at risk for believing false messages they see repeatedly. Eventually, they develop distorted beliefs about their appearance. When we compare ourselves to the images we see in an enhanced photo, nothing we do is ever good enough. We’ll never live up to that standard.

Discerning what’s real will cut through the façade and allow us to regain our confidence. Tell yourself aloud if you must, no one looks like that in real life. Your critical eye is necessary when you’re scrolling through digital copies of people.

Take this skill into your face to face conversations. Practice reading body language. People can try to fool you because they too believe in the myth of online perfection. We can remove our filters, though. Observing others with a discerning eye is a good start.

Show an unfiltered version of yourself to others

Be vulnerable and authentic. Show people how you look in the kitchen making breakfast or whatever you’re doing throughout the day. Tell a true story and include the raw, unfiltered, sad, or mad parts. Everyone loves a good “parenting fail.” Not to say you should be down on yourself about things, because life happens. But stop sugar coating. You don’t have to reveal everything (although some do), just be real. Stop enhancing your selfies and show others what real life looks like again.

We used to not have the luxury of altering our appearance. We got through it just fine. Embrace yourself in your imperfect glory. Humans come with quirks and tics. It’s ok.

We secretly, and not-so-secretly, wish everyone would stop filtering their lives. We laugh in solidarity when we see huge messes on the floor after a blender blunder or cats knocking stuff off counters. Do you know why people eat that up? It’s because we need it. So go ahead, get public with your mishaps, your warts and all.

Seek out ways to connect without social media

I’d be remiss to leave out actual face to face interactions. I know it’s been a challenge lately for most of us to be together in person during a pandemic. Eventually, we’ll be back in action, and we need each other to be genuine more than ever.

Humans need companionship. We don’t need a screen in our faces 24/7. We have to log off of social media for an authentic connection. We maintain our relationships by literally reaching out for hugs and hangouts.

The only way we’ll completely bypass the filtered lens of the internet is by stepping away from it. We don’t get to edit or delete our words during a live conversation.

When we see people for who they truly are, we have a chance to shift our perceptions of each other. There are a few pandemic-friendly ways to accomplish a richly satisfying bonding with a friend.

Voice or video calls are a sufficient substitute for scrolling and commenting on Facebook. With a phone call, you each hear cadence and tone of voice. Your exchange is spontaneous and organic. You don’t get to plan too far ahead about what you’re going to say.

Talking on the phone has a certain personal appeal. I love hearing someone’s voice at the end of the line. It feels more intimate than texting or other screen time.

Video helps you see the nuances of body language and allows you to share your current space. I prefer voice calls to video, but FaceTime or Zoom dates can be great for those of you who want to see each other from afar.

Writing a letter is another way to stay genuine in your connection. Handwritten letters slow us down and help us focus on what thoughts we want to share. The process involves patience and mindfulness. The act of writing is like offering a gift. Waiting for the return letter is like the pause in the conversation, and reading is like listening.

Final thoughts

Fostering genuine relationships in a filtered world takes dedication and conscious effort to see through the façade. Using a discerning, critical eye when observing others helps us face reality. Sharing authentically online or in-person can improve our perception of each other. Finally, spending time together offline when possible will strengthen your bond and further affirm your perceptions of each other.

Take away your filters, reveal your truth, and improve your relationships. There’s nothing better than a genuine connection with a fellow flawed human. You’re beautiful — no enhancements necessary.