From dad: Important lessons on love & relationships. ❤
By: Christopher Marks
Tags: Romance, Love, Advice, Relationships, Philosophy

The first year of love, and the danger of the White Knight.

Let’s start with an interesting fact about love. Research shows [1 ]that in approx. the first 12 months of a relationship, you will not be yourself. There are neurotransmitters in your brain which will change you into a white knight in shining armour. It’s true.. I experienced this for myself.

Although I didn’t have shining armour. I changed into the romantic Christobál David Marquis… I was the pleaser, Mr. Romance himself. Like I experienced, once you fall in love, you’ll gain the superpower to put your own goals, values (even irritations) aside and run to the rescue whenever duty calls. You’ll have the courage to last-minute cancel on your buddies and you’ll answer your phone ( or whatever you use in the future) whenever the black mirror lights up. You’ll do anything for love. Because that’s what you do right? Anything[2]…

This is all fun and dandy for the short term, because this will be rewarded by your date! And of course this happens. You’re litteraly doing anything to make her happy.

We used to watch Mr. Bean on the TV. I thought it was awesome.

But BEWARE for the long term. Because the test is still to come. There comes a time when the magic power stops. Suddenly, things will start to feel ‘normal’.

You’ll want to hang-out with your buddies again and you’ll notice that she has a morning temper. The way she eats chicken legs isn’t all that sexy anymore.. ( Was it ever?)

There comes a time when that shining armour you were wearing feels heavy. And that you want to be yourself. “ Not reply right away. Not being in service of someone else and taking some time for yourself.” The danger from being a white knight is that your lover will grow accustomed to something you can’t keep up. And of course she’ll be accustomed to that comfort - who wouldn’t?! Although there is nothing wrong with being kind, being a gentleman and going the extra mile — be careful you to stay true to yourself. If you live your life in service of someone else, you kill yourself…

Will she still love and like you when you drop the armour? When there doesn’t appear to be a white horse? When you happen to wear only Crocs[2] and white sport socks? Or when you finally are not ashamed to show off the fact you can lip-sync every Star Wars film? Will she have trouble leaving you alone with another girl?

This has been a big learning for me.. To be completely honest with one another. To be comfortable to say what you think, no matter how crazy it sounds. It’s what builds the foundation of trust.

One mistake I made is to think that people are static creatures. I used to think I was the same person at age 18 compared to myself when 25. That the only thing which changed is your body and memories. But boy was I wrong.. In fact we change all the time. I’m not the same person now you’re reading this. (I’ll be old, bald and grey.) At the moment of writing, I’m 28, I still have hair and I’ll probably have a different look on life.

When you’re in a relationship, always remember you’re growing as an individual. You’ll create new habits, be introduced to new adventures and make different decisions based on your shared visions. Figure out if you want to be the person you’re turning into. Don’t try to be something you’re not and NEVER lie to her or yourself. It will always come back to haunt you. Which is unnecessary, time-wasting and hurts like hell..

Be sure you’re able to let your guard down. To let your mind speak without it feeling weird. To talk to her as if you’re talking to your best friend. Because, if she isn’t already, she’ll be soon enough! Only when I realised that, I found the chance to make a partner out of my lover.