Famous Philosophers’ Zoom Meeting Goes Sideways
By: Judy Millar
Tags: Zoom, Satire, Self Help, Philosophy, Humor

Famous Philosophers’ Zoom Meeting Goes Sideways

Horace, Seneca and the gang rip each other’s self-help mottos

Images by everesd_design from Pixabay, Daniela Ruiz from Pexels and various Wiki (Fair Use), altered.

Host: Welcome, everyone, to today’s meeting on Zoom. Let’s get right down to deciding the most useful self-help motto of all time so we can get back to partying in the Elysian fields. Socrates is off sick. Horace, you have the floor.

(Silence)

Host: Horace? Unmute yourself.

Horace: Sorry, sorry. I was saying I hope we can all get behind Carpe Diem as the best motto so we can get out of here and, ahem, Seize the Day.

Marcus Aurelius: Whoa. I’d say Carpe Diem has had its day. It’s morphed into a McMotto now. Like YOLO. Or Just Do It. Hedonistic kiddie catchphrases.

Horace: So it’s popular. So what?

Marcus Aurelius: So… I’d suggest Memento Mori: “Remember you are going to die.” It has more gravitas.

Seneca: I’ll second that. Hey Marcus, how’d you get that awesome skull background?

Marcus A.: Piece of cake. Just click Settings, Virtual Background and then click the + icon to upload —

Seneca: I don’t see a + icon. Are you on a Mac?

Host: Never mind the virtual backgrounds, people. Stay on topic.

Horace: Some of us were on topic, making positive suggestions like Carpe Diem. Not “glass-half-empty” philosophies like Memen—

Marcus A.: Sounds like some of us are wearing our passive-aggressive pants today.

Horace: At least some of us are wearing pants.

Host: Cut it out, you two. And yes, please sit down, Marcus. We can see your tighty whities. Now — your thoughts, Aristotle?

Aristotle: Those two mottos are just flip sides of the same coin. We need a motto that gives specific advice for living. A motto like Know Thyself. People should be seeking eudaimonia.

Seneca: No one says “thyself” anymore, Ari. And what is eudaimonia? Nobody even knows what the fuck that is!

Host: Language, Seneca! What’s in that flask? Are you day-drinking?? And Horace, your screen is frozen.

Horace: Sorry, my dog needed out. I’m back.

Seneca: But now your audio is out of sync. You look dubbed, Horace. It’s hilarious.

(Laughter from all but Horace)

Confucius: He who laughs last did not get joke, eh, Horace?

Horace: Very funny. How about contributing an actual suggestion, Confucius?

Confucius: How about “Silence is a true friend who never betrays”? As in: Shut up for once, Horace. Let someone else speak.

Host: Easy, guys. But yes, let’s hear from Friedrich Nietzsche. You’re too close to your camera, Friedrich, we’re looking up your nostrils. That’s better. Now, any ideas?

Nietzsche: Well, I’m fond of my motto: That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.

Horace: Too formal. I prefer the Kelly Clarkson version. (sings) “What doesn’t kill you makes you STROONGER …”

Nietzsche: What? There’s a song out now? That’s my line! I should be getting royalties!

Horace: Good luck with that. Robin Williams ripped off my Carpe Diem for his Dead Poets movie. I never saw a dime.

Host: People, we’re getting into the weeds here! Today’s focus is not on royalties. We’re here to pick the most useful motto, period.

Marcus Aurelius: Wait. Didn’t Robin Williams say something about us being food for worms? That’s basically Memento Mori.

Horace: (rolling a blunt on-screen) Worms? Icky. Stay upbeat with Carpe Diem.

Buddha: All this back-and-forth is giving me a headache. I’m logging out—

Host: Wait, Buddha! We haven’t heard your suggestion.

Buddha: I was going to propose Life is Suffering — dukkha-dukkha, and all that— but ten minutes online with you people has convinced me life isn’t so bad. It’s ZOOM that’s a nightmare! I’m outta here. Uh… how do I log off again?

Host: Wait, we still haven’t heard from Immanuel Kant—

Horace (now wasted): Kant KANT comment! Hahahahaha. Hey, maybe we should go with something fun like Hakuna Matata? Or…

Other participants leave the meeting. Their screens freeze into assorted cat photo screensavers. The host wanders off in search of an adult beverage.