How to Talk About Your Ex in a New Relationship
By: Carlyn Beccia
Tags: Self Improvement, Breakups, Life Lessons, Relationships, Love

The difference between vulnerability and victimhood

After a relationship ends, we can struggle to find happiness in the ending. And all the hackneyed relationship advice will tell you to avoid the subject with new romantic interests. This advice certainly holds true for the first few dates. But eventually, everyone knows the topic will come up in some shape or form. Intimacy is built by revealing small truths.

What is more important is not when you talk about your past relationships. It is how. Because that “how” can either reveal your vulnerability or your victimhood. And there is a difference.

Vulnerability reaches for another and says — I am imperfect just like you. Vulnerability is the chips and dings that give a vintage chair its character.

Victimhood communicates — my imperfections have broken me. I am a chair no one can sit on now.

Perhaps you have not figured out yet how to talk about your heartache without sounding broken? Here are some ways to have that tough conversation.

“True love always makes a man better, no matter what woman inspires it.”

― Alexandre Dumas

Red pen the drama

Ever watch a baby first learning how to walk? The baby falls and is startled. The first thing the baby does is look to its caregivers to see how he should react.

If the parents run to the baby alarmed and fearful, the baby gets scared and starts crying. But if the parents smile and say, “Oopsie! Better get up and try again…” The baby laughs, gets up, and tries again.

You might be tempted to add dramatic details to that painful breakup, but it is far better to describe the past in neutral terms.

Be the baby who falls, giggles, and gets back up.

Make a gratitude list.

You are probably sick of hearing about the importance of gratitude, but studies show that it does rewire your brain for happiness.

Start by making a list of the ways your past relationship made you stronger. It could be something as mundane as your ex improved your tennis serve or more life-changing like they redefined what you truly want in a partner.

Take responsibility for the ending.

I missed a huge red flag with my ex-boyfriend — he never once talked about his ex-girlfriends with any sense of responsibility. He referred to his last girlfriend, not by her name. He just called her “the horrible woman.” And all his other relationships ended through no fault of his own.

You have probably heard platitudinous advice of — never bash your ex in a new relationship. But you can talk about your ex’s flaws as long as you describe them within the context of where you screwed up too and what you learned from it.

Covering up the pain will only draw attention to it.

Imagine you are giving a big presentation, and you are a tiny bit nervous. So nervous that before your talk, you spill your coffee on your lap. Just great, you think. Now I have to give my presentation with a gigantic crotch stain in the shape of an errant amoeba.

So you strategically hang your hands in front of the stain while you give your presentation. Your audience is unaware that you have a coffee stain, so they just think you are a pervert groping yourself.

Keeping your hands over your big crotch stain is a lot like not talking about a past hurt. You can try to cover it up, but the stain is still there.

Now, what you could have done before your presentation is made a joke about your klutziness, pointed to the stain landing fortuitously on your crotch, got a big laugh from everyone, and moved on to your presentation.

You just took your momentous screw up and made it humorous. You showed you were vulnerable. And nothing is more exquisitely human and undeniably sexy than vulnerability.

You can turn any accident into a happy one.