“hey Mom, I’m trans.”
By: Jennifer Roth-Burnette
Tags: Teens, Pride, Pride Month, Nonbinary, Transgender

A couple more miles go by. My mind is slowly wrapping itself around gender dysphoria. I would later learn that the DSM-V defines gender dysphoria as “a marked incongruence between ones experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics” as well as an array of possible desires to be rid of primary and secondary sex characteristics related to one’s assigned gender, and/or to gain the primary and secondary sex characteristics of another gender, and/or to be treated and regarded as another gender.

But in this moment, in the car, I am still learning. What does gender dysphoria mean to my child? And what is the next layer down? What else do I need to know and understand?

I ask

I don’t wish, I just feel. I think I am starting to grasp the nuance. I begin to perceive that for E, this resides at a deeper level than wishing or wanting. He doesn’t want male parts per se, but feels that something is out of place, that the world would be right, and his body would be right, if it were male rather than female. I think am beginning to comprehend, a little.

We had been seeing Nicole for awhile, and she was always affirming and warm. E had talked with her about the emergent sexual identities mentioned earlier but to my knowledge had not brought up being transgender. E was correct that the main goal of this therapy has been to help manage some pretty intense anxiety, and more recently to help deal with the recently diagnosed autism that seems to be at the root of much of the anxiety. It is truly draining for E to work as hard as he does to mask his differences and carry on in environments (such as school) that assume a neurotypical norm. I wish for E’s sake we had known about his autism years ago, as we might have gotten some help and better school strategies before he was a preteen. I can only imagine how much his anxiety might be compounded by the feeling of being “different” not only neurologically, but in gender identity as well.

Here are some words I regret: “we need to not make big quick changes.” One of my strengths is thinking through things carefully, and one of my related weaknesses is wanting to move too slowly. Thank goodness for a road trip, time in the car, and a heart that was clear about needing to keep pace with my courageous, self-honest child.

We would go on a shopping spree for boy clothes the next day and would book an appointment for even shorter hair. We also started immediately learning to use his pronoun and new name, Felix. I will admit I slipped sometimes at first. Old habits are hard to break. I hope Felix can forgive the early days when I was scrambling to catch up.

Felix’s doctor was encouraging and understanding though I admit we still walked more slowly into binding than Felix really wanted. His doctor was concerned about potential restrictions on breathing (especially for a kid with a history of asthma) as well as harming growing tissues. So we started with some sports bras that flattened out his figure more or less. Within the year, though, after considerable reading and research into Felix’s favored binder company, I felt comfortable with him trying those in an appropriately roomy size. Felix seems pleased with the results, and has been very conscientious about not wearing his binder full time (not sleeping in it, for instance, and leaving it off while relaxing around the house).

I’ve gotten sick of not telling anyone struck me to the core. I recall the anger and frustration that surfaced in Felix so frequently at age 11. Though with Felix’s autism and anxiety diagnoses we thought we understood the origin of his intense and difficult feelings, I have to wonder in retrospect how much of this was also tied to the pent-up-ness of not being able to be his true self. Though we continue to struggle and muddle through the challenges of parenting a young teen on the spectrum, I do observe that his comfort in his own skin seems to have increased over the past couple of years, and I imagine that this is at least partly due to the relief of being acknowledged as the boy he is. And for all the struggling and muddling, we also experience a great deal of delight in his imagination, his quirkiness, his tender love of our pets, his steadfastness as a friend, his prodigious talent as a graphic artist, and his uniquely Felix way of seeing the world.

There I went again with my “long slow” process thing! I confess that I leaned too hard into my commitment to deliberate action. It was part of my “don’t be hasty” way of approaching new information. In reality, we saw the therapist and the doctor as planned and quickly transitioned to masculine pronouns (which have by now, 2.5 years in, shifted to a number of acceptable-to-Felix options including masculine and nonbinary pronouns), as well as calling Felix by his chosen name.

I now see this as a coming of age, Felix’s naming of himself. Would that we all had this opportunity! How powerful and empowering it is to identify yourself, to name yourself, to decide who you are and to share this with your community.