Quarantine and Queer Fam
By: Mx. V. Vandyke
Tags: LGBTQ, Queer, Nonbinary, Family

Photo by James Baldwin on Unsplash

To others it may have seemed that my current Queer Family developed overnight and I remember the night that it happened.

I walked into an event that was geared towards queer therapist and social workers in the area. I already knew the crowd pretty well and could predict who would show up. The therapist cohort that identifies and works within the LGBTQ+ and sexual health community in our city, is small and mighty but growing. An acquaintance of mine that I had met at a conference a few years back was there. Our first meeting was intense and we clicked immediately… Then she told me she had a husband. Not that this alone derailed the continuation of our friendship but after hanging out for coffee a few times it was clear she was living a different life than I was at the time. Seeing her at this event was not surprising but when she told me that she divorced her husband and promptly took out her phone to show me the profile of the girl she was dating, I may have not been able to contain my excitement.

As the event was winding down two other therapist and my wife had joined us and we met up with my friends new lady lover at a nearby bar. In pure queer fashion that night lead five of us to hang out almost every weekend thereafter. It was sort of the big bang as far as Queer Families are concerned. Since that time we have added a few members, witnessed break-ups, coming out parties, shitty parent stories, some started new relationships, and obviously my friend and her lady lover got a dog, got married, and got another dog (Lesbians!). We vacation together, we celebrate holidays and birthdays together. We love each other although like a bio family unity we do sometimes have our disagreements.

I have had a few different queer families over the course of my adult life. Maybe it is becuase I am getting older but this one feels very solid. I think we are all committed to making our family work. We’ve talked about creating a flag and tenets as part of our code. We even bought matching mugs that are great for tea, terrible for beer.

During this time of social distancing and severely restricting my social circle the queer fam has been very important in keeping my mental health afloat. We hang out with someone from the fam almost every weekend. Our normal Fridays and Saturdays at the bar are now spent in backyards and patios with string lighting and plants. If Covid had branding it would definitely involve plants, lots and lots of fucking plants!

In my therapy sessions, my clients often will talk about wanting a queer fam of their own. We talk about how many of their own parents do not accept or do not know who they are. Many stated that their bio families have strained relationships and create chaos and drama that is stressful. Or maybe they are from a different places with no family nearby. In any regards it is apparent that we all are looking for a group to call our own. A posse to have your back or offer a shoulder to lean on.

I know that this story makes it seem like it was easy, but in reality it took time, intention, and commitment from my whole crew. We had discussions about wanting this so we made it happen. I am always looking to add more people to our fam but I also know that it is not just my decision that matters. If you are still looking for your queer fam just keep at it. Good energy attracts good people and I believe that there is a Fam for everyone.