So You Cheated. What’s Next?
By: Ellen Mcrae
Tags: Growth, Relationships, Love, Cheating, Life Lessons

It isn’t just the victim of cheating who faces pain, hurt and betrayal.

Yet, as a society, we constantly bolster the victim of infidelity and shun the cheater. Cheaters rarely receive public support, nor does anyone seem to care what happens to them. But the two-way relationship street cannot narrow to that of the cheat-ee.

One wicked deed doesn’t make them unworthy of help or love.

And as someone who has cheated on a partner in the past, I needed as much help and support as the people I hurt.

Cheating doesn’t always happen out of malice. And we can’t treat the cheater like they don’t have issues that don’t need ‘community’ support.

Though I don’t condone cheating, every cheater needs a friend. A person that can help them navigate their issues. Work through the potential outcomes of their next move, and learn how to move on from their mistake.

Because they will always ask themselves, ‘What am I going to do next?’

And as a person who has made it worse through irrational thinking and ill-thought-out actions, every cheater needs a logical plan to move on.

Before I continue, most people will assume I’m offering a way out for a cheater. But that is far from the case. I want to help the people hurting, I want to help everyone involved. As there is so much perspective from the scorned, it’s important the scorners are equally heard.

I’m not talking about romantic relationships only

Cheating isn’t one person sleeping with another whilst in a relationship. Cheating takes many forms. Emotional affairs, cheating on a friend by betraying their trust. Overstepping the boundaries of your relationship. It’s all cheating.

When cheating occurs, it isn’t so black and white for the cheater or the cheated. And that’s why the dilemma of what happens next is so perplexing.

There are no wrong or right ways to ‘fix’ this situation. Fixing cheating doesn’t exist.

Yet, there are things you can do to consider the feelings of your loved ones and help everyone move on. Whatever ‘moving on’ looks like, that is.

Find Out Why You Cheated

Before you do anything with your infidelity, you need to understand why you’ve ended up in this position. Ask yourself:

Why did I cheat?

This the most basic, but important question to answer. The reason you cheated dictates everything you do next.

If you cheated because you’re unhappy in your relationship, then perhaps it’s a sign to break up. If you cheated from boredom, perhaps you need to address what excites and motivates your relationship.

The person you’ve hurt will want to know why. The specifics they could ignore. But the ‘why’ is the question on their lips.

How Did I End Up In A Position To Cheat?

Sometimes we put ourselves in the position to cheat. We deliberately insert ourselves into the path of temptation, where we know we can’t or won’t back out.

Discovering how we let this happen will better equip us with the reason ‘why’.

If I no one caught me, would I do it again?

Remorse is what we’re hunting for with this question. Do you feel guilty about what you did? Is the emotional affair weighing on you? Or are you relieved or excited about the experience?

Remorse stops us from doing the same detrimental activity over and again. Without it, we’re likely to cheat again.

Assess What This Means For You

With some insight into your cheating, the ‘why’, you need to discover if the relationship you’re in is worth remaining in. Cheating doesn’t always lead to a breakup, romantic or platonic. But it can be an indicator that the relationship isn’t working. Or that your heart isn’t in it as it once was.

As much as the cheating was a selfish act, it is more selfish to continue in a relationship that leads you to cheat. Or that continues to taunt you about your cheating ways. Your actions are a red flag, now it’s time to work out what you want.

Cheating allows you to reevaluate what you want in a relationship. It helps you consider:

Is this the relationship I want?

Do I still care for the person?

Do I want to mend the relationship?

If the other person wants to end the relationship, am I ok with that?

Decide What You Want More: Honesty Or The Pain Of Secrecy?

To tell the other person or not, that is the question. And though I advocate for honesty, this is a hotly debated question.

Telling someone you’ve cheated on them is impossible. No matter how many times you rehearse it, the words come out like undercooked fettuccine. Stuck together and tasteless.

The choice of secrecy is an interesting decision worth analysing. How much do you respect the person if you choose secrecy over honesty? Do you care enough to tell them, or can you live with yourself knowing you have to hide a part of your life forever?

The person in the relationship deserves to know. Though I can understand many situations in which you think honesty will further complicate life, the lie will eat away at you. The lie can be worse than the cheating itself.

Perfect timing does not exist, so stop waiting for the moment to lower the bomb on your loved one. You will wait forever.

Accept Their Decision

Despite what you want, despite everything you’ve discovered about yourself, cheaters don’t have a say. What happens next in the relationship is up to the cheat-ee. The victim of the situation dictates if the relationship will continue.

What cheating has done has ended the two-way street and put you at a dead end. With your scorned lover in the driver’s seat, they choose whether to make a u-turn and try again. Or whether to park the car and call it a day.

When you haven’t meant to hurt someone, but you have, it sucks. You know you’re the reason for heartbreak; you know you’re the reason a relationship will face re-evaluation. Or even worse. No one wants to be the bad guy, nor do they want to admit they’ve done something wrong.

Don’t let cheating define you.

It doesn’t make you the worst person in the world, nor does it mean your life is over. There is life after cheating for everyone involved.

Though your decisions at the time may have been irrational, the aftermath doesn’t need to be. In my experience, life will get better.