Ever Wanted to Ask a Nonbinary Person About their Gender?
By: Rhian Beam
Tags: Gender, Identity, LGBTQ, Nonbinary, FAQ

Below are some commonly asked questions from Cisgender folks. Some questions answered and some not because we don’t ‘have’ to explain our gender or lack thereof to anyone, but I love spreading knowledge. These are my personal answers as I understand things and they don’t represent the whole community.

Q: What is Nonbinary?

A: What is the meaning of life? Being Nonbinary is everything and nothing all at once. It’s the feeling of being in-between, lack thereof, or added on top of something. Someone who is Nonbinary could be Agender, Bi-gender, Demi-gender, Genderfluid, or a Nonbinary girl or boy, as well as many others. Nonbinary means not completely in the strict binary of man or woman.

Q: That makes no sense.

A: That’s not a question.

Q: This is awkward but, what’s….down there?

A: Why would you ask someone that? No, really I wanna know.

Q: Isn’t Nonbinary a ‘Trend’?

A: Just because something is being recognized in the western world as something that exists and is valid does not make it a trend. Many other things have existed long before western civilization even knew anything about it.

Q: But…Gender is Woman and Man. That’s all there is.

A: Bodies can be male, female, or intersex. Even biological sex is its own spectrum. However, those are bodies. Gender is an expression and an innate feeling of who or what kind of person you are in the face of society, and how you need to be perceived to thrive. Nonbinary folks can have unlimited types of bodies.

Q: So…do I call you ‘It’ then?

A: No, while that might also be okay for some, nonbinary folks can use any pronouns. Common ones are “They, She, He, Ze, Xe” and some prefer to not even use pronouns at all, only being called by their name. Just ask!

Q: Do you think you’re special? Why should I change my language to benefit you?

A: Yes, because you’re a decent human being that understands everyone deserves basic respect — unless you aren’t.

Q: “They” isn’t grammatically correct. Is it like a multiple personality thing?

A: Absolutely not. Dissociative Identity Disorder is a mental illness that is not related to this at all. You are taught in second grade that ‘they’ can be singular. You just weren’t encouraged to use it as such unless you, and here’s the kicker, don’t know someone’s gender. Unless you dropped out of school in second grade, you’re learning about it now.

Q: Are you sure it’s not a trend? People around me keep suddenly coming out as Nonbinary.

A: I didn’t come out until age 21. I didn’t know a term for my feelings existed until I was 19. There are folks older than 60 that are Nonbinary.

Q: How will I know if someone I know is Nonbinary?

A: You don’t and that’s kind of the whole point. Just like how you don’t know who’s a woman or a man. You ask for their pronouns and once you’re friends maybe ask about their gender. It makes things easier to ask others how they would like to be perceived.

Q: What do I do if someone I know just came out as Nonbinary?

A: Support them! Reassure them that you are willing to use their pronouns or new name and support them in any transitional experiences. Please use their pronouns in public if they’re okay with it. Normalizing lesser-known pronouns is great and it can feel demeaning and contradictory when you deadname or use the wrong pronouns for someone right in front of them and around strangers.

Q: How do Nonbinary people have sex?

A: With consent. Really though, that is something you would discuss with a partner before you do the deed. There are such wide varieties of bodies and likewise wide varieties of sex!

Q: Are Nonbinary people also Transgender?

A: Some like myself identify with the transgender narrative of “different gender than that assigned at birth,” however many don’t identify with being transgender as the transition process in the past has been perceived as very binary, i.e., one sex to another.

Q: If you’re a cis person dating a Nonbinary person, is it a queer relationship?

A: This question is debated in the community and varies widely on factors such as the Nonbinary person’s preferences on identity, i.e., if they identify with binary gender at all, what gender the cis person is, and can hinge on someone’s sex as well. It is all up to the couple whether they consider themselves a queer couple!

Q: Similarly, are you queer if you’re attracted to a Nonbinary person?

A: You can be! However many straight people date those who are Nonbinary. Again, it’s up to individuals to determine how they feel and label themselves. Some prefer not to label themselves at all. Each person’s journey is valid and personal.

Q: How can you be Nonbinary and Bisexual. I thought Bi meant two?

A: I personally identify with bisexual instead of pansexual because it is what I labeled myself first when I thought I was still cisgender. Bisexual can mean attraction to two or more genders. It’s up to someone’s personal feelings around the matter!

Q: Why is all of this so confusing?

A: Gender and sexuality are very nuanced. Many people have many different experiences and you can’t expect a certain amount of people to represent the whole. We’re also still in the infancy of what we know about gender identity. New labels and identities are the future, and we shall embrace them with open arms!

Q: Where can I find more resources on being Nonbinary?

A: There is a Nonbinary Wiki that needs your support, here!