I don’t write enough
By: Deryk Machado
Tags: Vulnerability, Obedience, Life Update, Testimony, Transparency

It’s been awhile since I’ve written here. It’s not been awhile, though, since I’ve felt convicted to write.

I started blogging while studying through the Psalms. One thing I saw that really grabbed my attention was that as God showed up in David’s life, he was led to testify: to share with others what God was doing, what David was learning, the ways God was revealing himself and walking with David through the tumultuous highs and lows of living. I was led to try doing the same. My goal was simply to offer glimpses into the ways I’m seeing God show up.

There are several different mediums of processing life with Jesus that I hold in high regard. I try to journal daily, starting with just the last 24 hours and whatever I’m reading in Scripture that day. I enjoy beginning the day engaging my heart and mind in conversation with God on paper. I also really appreciate conversation with another person, perhaps a little more filtered and orderly than journaling, and with the benefit of another’s perspective.

Blogging is different. I start with an idea that I’ve been mulling over for a bit, or sometimes one that hits me quickly that I want to explore in an organized way. So I open the Bible, and I begin to hash through my thoughts. As I begin to write it’s often not hard to fill a few pages, but then I start to feel pressure. I want to be honest and real, to pour out my heart and thoughts if it will be edifying to others and glorifying to God… but by the time I hit “publish,” I sense the need for my post to be a well-edited, articulate blend of personal perspective and Biblical insight. I want it to be polished and profound and worth the time it takes to produce.

Only problem is, my life doesn’t usually look like that. “Polished and profound” wouldn’t be the words I would use to describe much of what I encounter in my walk with Jesus, and especially not how I tend to respond.

I have several blog drafts that are little more than titles and a few brief words meant to remind me what I meant to write about. All of them are based on great things God has been teaching me, but — they’re messy. They’re not all resolved. Perhaps I’m not doing a great job of learning what I should be. So as I see the things God is up to in my life, I feel convicted to process them through writing and share them with people, but honestly? I don’t know if I will like where I’m at in the journey if I have to confront those words on a screen.

Some of the holding back is right and good. I’m grateful for the people in my life who are near to me, who I can walk through things personally with transparency build on the foundation of trust. I don’t feel any pressure to spill my whole life on the internet. But I’ve still had this conviction to testify to be faithful in testifying to what God’s up to in my life.

God has been active and challenged me in many ways recently.

In July and August I was encouraged to apply for a job that would require moving, and God walked me through Proverbs and asked me where I was placing my hope and security… asked me what I was holding on to, and if I was actually willing to give things up and follow Jesus if he would lead me elsewhere. I didn’t do well with that; I saw the state of my heart, but came to believe that if God is really the Lord he says he is, he’s worth following.

Recently, being with a friend through things has led me to fall on my face in fear and reverence of God… led me to realize our desperate dependence on him to sustain us and grant us the grace of any and all flourishing. In not being able to understand or control things, I was led before Him who is good, who loves us, knows what’s best and can do something about it.

The more I look to Scripture and look at life around me, I believe more and more fully that God is the one he claims to be. I want nothing more than to follow, to know and be near to him, and he makes it clear that he would have the same for his people. As this happens, I want to be faithful in not keeping this God to myself. I want his grace and love to spill over from my messy life and to point you to him. You, who read this, whoever you are. Oh, that you would know this Jesus who demonstrates his love for you through his life, and death, and life again, for you.

I’ve found God unwilling to sit quietly and not be known. Even to his unfaithful people, Isaiah says “the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion” (Is 30:18). May we honor his longing, his rising; may we respond to God taking the initiative to engage his people.

So I’ll try to write, about important things, as they come up. Because I want to be active in knowing him more, and I want you to know him too.