Unpopular Opinion: Sex With Prostitutes Should Be Covered by Health Insurance
By: Ryan Klemek
Tags: Bernie Sanders, Medicare For All, Healthcare, Prostitution, Unpopular Opinions

Jesus says we should only have sex for the purpose of procreation, which is rich coming from a guy whose best friends were hookers.

The Double Standard

In 1994, Bill Clinton’s Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders was forced to resign after suggesting that masturbation was, in fact, a healthy hobby for teenagers. Four years later, Clinton was impeached for perjury to a grand jury surrounding allegations of sexual misconduct. Slick Willy got to keep his job, which once again proved something we already knew: recreational sex is for rich, white men in positions of power, but everyone else should stay nice and repressed. I say it’s time we put this outdated attitude to bed.

It’s Good For You

There are truckloads of studies that have been done over the years demonstrating the health benefits of orgasms. According to sexologist Beverly Whipple, this is due to the release of a hormone called oxytocin, which stimulates feelings of warmth and tranquility. Technically, you can achieve these results through masturbation, but nothing beats connecting with another person (or people). And if you’re someone who can’t find a partner using conventional mating techniques, then you may be in the market for a prostitute.

The Oldest Profession

If prostitution truly is the world’s oldest profession, why are most hookers forced to run their businesses on street corners in sketchy neighborhoods where they won’t be constantly hounded by cops? In the US, it’s illegal in 100% of the counties in 49 states, and seven out of 17 counties in the only state where it’s legal. As everyone knows, that one “good” state is Nevada, but what most people don’t realize is that Las Vegas is one of those seven counties where it’s not legal. All of the legal counties are out in the middle of the desert where nobody lives and only the richest and horniest tourists would bother visiting. This is obviously ass-backwards, but at least Nevada is trying. What’s California’s excuse? In all these liberal places, people like to throw around the term“sex-positive,” but if they were serious about being progressive, they’d be out there fighting to legalize prostitution.

Elliot Spitzer

Almost every politician that has ever taken a hard stance against prostitution has been caught with a prostitute. I don’t have the hard stats on this, but we all know it’s true. While in office, Governor of New York Elliot Spitzer spent over $15,000 on high-end hookers, and after he resigned, it was revealed that he used over $800 in campaign funds to pay for hotel rooms in which to fuck these fine ladies. Corruption aside, it’s his hypocrisy on the issue that is most infuriating. If he had spent his energy trying to legalize prostitution instead of condemning it, then he would have been seen as a hero, and perhaps might still be Governor today. Think of all those elderly people in the nursing homes that might still be alive if New York could have avoided Andrew Cuomo. In my mind Spitzer’s scandal is less appalling than Cuomo’s #MeToo moment because, in Spitzer’s case, the ass-grabbing was consensual, and the women were very well compensated for their services.

Marijuana, The Gateway Medicine

Before pot started to become legal for recreational use, it first became legal for medicinal purposes. This could work for prostitution, too. Unlike marijuana, sex with hookers comes with virtually no side effects. I know what you’re thinking: “But what about STD’s?” Well, first of all, there are protections against those, but there’s also no reason why the government couldn’t put regulations in place to make the practice even safer. Any prostitute that wants to be eligible for medical prostitution could agree to frequent testing and other health screens, which is already a requirement for many of the legal brothels in Nevada. If you turn this seedy, marginalized practice into a legit business, everybody wins.

Medicare for All, Prostitutes for Those Who Want Them

In both 2016 and 2020, Bernie Sanders did the unthinkable by challenging the corporate Democratic establishment with populist policies such as free college and Medicare for all. He was up against a sinister political machine that was well-financed and had complete control over the mainstream media. Some say he didn’t stand a chance, but I disagree. If he had tied the legalization of prostitution to his free healthcare platform, I think he would have been unstoppable. Think about it. Conservatives started winning the culture war only after they put their religious values on the back burner and started attacking the libs for being too PC and self-righteous. If you put the legalization of prostitution on your agenda, you knock those conservatives back on their heels, because what could be less PC than legalized prostitution? Then, if you say that under your healthcare plan, doctors will be able to write prescriptions for sex with hookers, you’ll excite the progressive base to the point that they might actually come out and vote in the primaries.

A Champion

Bernie has been disappointingly quiet on the issue of federally-sponsored prostitution, but it’s just as well. He’s a little too old and cranky to be the face of this movement. If you ask me, the ideal choice is none other than AOC herself. The culture war has been her bread and butter for a while now, so this issue is right up her alley. Ideally, we could find a way to tie it to climate change, but that would be a bit of a stretch. So much sex with prostitutes takes place in cars, most of which still aren’t electric.

If not AOC, there are other possibilities. Cynthia Nixon lost her bid for governor of NYC in 2018, but who better than a former Sex and the City star to push for the health benefits of the orgasm? I could also see some more moderate, establishment-types getting involved as a way of bringing in the far left. For example, Gavin Newsome might want to try it the next time he gets recalled. On the other side of the aisle, Tulsi Gabbard would be wise to get behind this if she wants to hold on to some of her progressive supporters now that she’s rebranded herself as a pro-war Republican.

For anyone with the foresight and courage to push forward this radically new idea, it could be a political game-changer. In fact, let me make a bold prediction: The first politician to champion health insurance coverage for sex with prostitutes will win their election in a landslide.