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life: ready to feel young and fat? the dad from ‘malcolm in the middle’ just turned 8 years old and weighs 17 pounds |
man wouldn't have worn costume to work if he'd known he was getting laid off |
nation’s cable companies announce they’re just going to take $100 from everyone |
marilu henner named u.s. secretary of mid-level talent |
girl power! american girl has released a new doll who was alive during the civil rights movement but didn’t really help at all |
swiss unable to maintain neutrality toward delicious pastries |
boy's whale-song imitation not helping anything |
salad suppliers pledge to continue including just enough in bag that some will go bad if you’re single |
life: must-see tv: bill maher spent the entirety of last night’s ‘real time’ episode tearfully trying to free himself from a chinese finger trap |
discouraged bush begins seeking approval of other nations |
kid honors grandpa's memory with solemn cannonball |
god wondering how far he could throw earth |
roger goodell lays wreath at national football league cemetery in super bowl tradition |
tim ryan attempting to stand out from other candidates on debate stage by wearing blue power ranger costume |
‘the onion’ has obtained donald trump’s tax returns and has chosen to destroy them |
indianapolis motor speedway forced to lower speed limit to 20 mph after elementary school opens next to straightaway |
mit researchers create ‘psychopath’ ai by feeding it reddit data |
video: heartbreaking: strongman gets locked in an empty room with no heavy things to lift |
area man to attend grad school to find a girlfriend |
unclear if grandma just friends with 81-year-old widowed man |
supreme court rules gay rights do not extend to dessert |
baited someone on facebook in response to a feel good animal story |
glitch in country allows citizens to temporarily walk through tables |
jaws of death used to stuff woman into burning car |
‘diversity was the real winner last night,’ report hundreds of dumbasses whose very existence insults the name of journalism |
dignified cat dressed in adorable, painful sweater |
man nothing but lumbering golem of rewards cards |
news: no stone unturned: parents of missing children are petitioning shaq to give his suit just one good shake in case their missing children are lost in there |
pope francis donates clothing to needy refugees |
teddy bear feels terrible for sparking 'what are we?' conversation |
podcaster makes solemn promise to improve sound quality next episode |
census adds question asking participants to identify any unpatriotic neighbor |
judge sentences lori loughlin to 100 hours of community theater |
area man needs two more trips to best buy to beat xbox 360 game |
‘rolling stone’ offering readers 6-month free trial period for buying company |
man's alcoholism getting a little out of hand |
grandma defiantly taking scone recipe to grave |
university suspends all lightweights from campus following fraternity hazing death |
freakonomist keeps close eye on ge stock versus height of mexican weightlifters |
3 dozen chemical, emotional responses activated by phrase 'pigs in a blanket' |
pharmaceutical rep assures doctor he personally tries every drug he promotes |
life: be prepared: experts warn that this polyamorous relationship could expand to cover all of seattle by 2021 |
justice scalia endorses new easton gaveling gloves |
dad thought he could make it out of zoo without buying kids light-up shit |
rate of uninformed conversations about navy seals skyrockets |
same americans who made taylor swift popular polled on constitutionality of health care reform |
area photo 201 students all take pictures of same homeless guy |
9 signs you’re destined to be single |
u.s. closes final wwii internment camp |
choking man can already tell good samaritan has no fucking clue what they're doing |
76 million baby boomers abscond to fiji after draining nation's social security, medicare accounts |
allergy sufferer dies after being stung by dog |
news: all in: pennsylvania has eradicated all plant life but one pomegranate tree in a desperate bid to rebrand as the pomegranate state |
trump administration announces new $20 bill design honoring harriet tubman's owners |
new bar to feature 'sports' theme |
study finds paint aisle at lowe's best place to have complete meltdown |
dead daughter would have wanted $220 million liability settlement |
body positivity win: dad is changing out of his swimsuit in the beach parking lot with his bare ass in plain view of everyone |
mysterious necrotic skin disease continues to eat away at baby's face weeks after being kissed by ted cruz |
friend of friend better friend than friend |
old friends from high school meet up every year to say names of former classmates |
fey rights group demands distinction from homosexuals |
realistic day planner only includes first couple weeks after purchase |
mtv promotes, airs, condemns controversial new video |
girl slept with for her sake |
friend tells depressing details of how he's covered by freelancers union |
tim kaine found riding conveyor belt during factory campaign stop |
the 10 things all indian parents said in unison yesterday without knowing why |
argument about capital of australia occurs 10 feet from encyclopedia |
study: red meat takes years off of cow's life |
mad lib filled with swears |
vatican quickly performs damage control on pope's tolerant remarks |
experts warn beef could act as gateway meat to human flesh |
steve kerr reminds warriors to seem sad demarcus cousins injured |
john mccain requests ashes be launched into iraq |
mom not joking when she says she wants picture of grown kids in bath for old time's sake |
bertolli packaging promises empty ravioli floating in filling-saturated water in just 5 minutes |
take that, drumpf lovers! a research team at mit has conclusively proved that trump = voldemort |
87% of eagles home crowd listening to nfc championship on car radio after getting thrown out of stadium |
lunch barely misses area man's vital organs |
seaworld responds to california drought by draining animal tanks halfway |
'onion book of known knowledge' contains cure for hiv |
man checks to make sure no one home before recording song into laptop |
narrow gaps in bathroom stall doors to be widened monday |
news: huge blunder: cnn just accidentally published the article they have prepared for when jesus christ returns to earth |
i don’t vaccinate my child because it’s my right to decide what eliminated diseases come roaring back |
breakup survival tips |
defense needs to be more physical, reports man slumped on couch for past 5 hours |
naked, dripping wet tom brady thrilled by judge's decision to overturn suspension, imagines judge |
even consumer's subconscious can tell banner ad campaign ineffective |
man overjoyed he no longer has to purchase entire day’s worth of egg mcmuffins in morning |
local woman has story about how she got these shoes |
parents also proud of unsuccessful child |
date’s flaws coming at woman faster than she can rationalize them |
employees given list of doctors shitty enough to accept company's health insurance plan |
u.s. to give every iraqi $3,544.91, let free-market capitalism do the rest |
americans demand crispier outside |
12-year-old hispanic boy not sure if he's supposed to be looking up to marco rubio |
songs that are always on in background expected to win big at grammys |
huntsman drops out, endorses huntsman |