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pope nervous for annual performance review with god |
bus passenger suspects man in next seat might be having conversation with him |
report: china to overtake u.s. as world's biggest asshole by 2020 |
rescue dog adopted for couple weeks |
mayor of phoenix apologizes for naming berlin germany of 1941 as sister city |
life: heartwarming! this police officer wasn’t sure how to reach out to the black youth in his community so he put a pumpkin in front of the park where they hang out sometimes |
man nervous about telling date he has her kids |
revealing spring attire reminds man he nothing more than weak, hormonal ogre |
6 pictures of scarlett johansson that will make you say ‘this is a picture of a boat’ |
pros and cons of vaccinating children |
call from daycare can't be good |
petsmart introduces heart-shaped puppy for valentine's day |
pregnant woman glows with rage |
donald trump: when you're feeling low, just remember i'll be dead in about 15 or 20 years |
police satisfied after drunk man assures them there’s no problem - the onion - america's finest news source |
sitcom resorts to wizard of oz-themed fantasy episode |
kfc responds to stockpiling trend with 576-piece bucket |
area loner to dwell on past |
tokyo portal outage delays millions of japanese warp commuters |
life: genius marketing: poland spring is putting apple juice in its bottles because it tastes better |
detective trying to get into mind of litterer |
news: marketing win! trojan’s new ad campaign points out that you can also put condoms on your fingers to pick up dead bugs |
gimp tied to pole on curb outside coffee shop while owner inside |
first holiday season without grandma incredible |
playstation classic to include friend who always whooped your ass to complete retro gaming experience |
report: your father currently typing 'naked women' into yahoo images search bar |
this bitch: of course margot’s only skin routine is splashing her face with water at night |
new 23andme feature connects users to others who share genetic tendency to get billed for $199 |
news: major headache: the blue angels got trapped inside a costco, and no one knows how to get them back outside |
‘any song can be sad if it has sad memories attached to it,’ report newly single sources |
white house carefully screening any gun control town hall questions that address obama as 'mein führer' |
smug new mom going to start a blog |
quaker oats assembly-line worker fired for 'oops! all berries' incident |
trump selects longtime personal plane to head faa |
halliburton gets contract to pry gold fillings from new orleans corpses' teeth |
kavanaugh panicking after botching part of confirmation where he asked if he rejects satan |
man guessing he's stared at giant sequoia long enough to appreciate it |
man asks every trick-or-treater if they’re the real dracula just in case |
centipede tearing ass across floor must be really late for something |
a nod to the past: ‘the force awakens’ features a scene where george lucas’ lifeless body can be seen drifting through space |
picky refugee just expects to be reunited with exact same family as before |
gop officials urge calmer, more reasonable death threats toward kavanaugh accuser |
no way old man in park not thinking about dead wife |
area dad didn't shell out $100 at aquarium for lecture about ecosystem |
life: major flub: dave matthews band has been jamming on the ‘ants marching’ riff onstage for 3 weeks while dave tries to remember the fiddle player’s name and finish introducing the band |
friends can't stand couple's public displays of hostility |
jeremy piven outraged microsoft word doesn't recognize his name |
woman barista getting a lot better at avoiding touching male patrons’ hands when they pay |
i'm going to space camp! yayyyyyaaawwwww... |
god loses decision-making coin |
part of the 1%: bernie sanders is tanking in the polls after a dna test revealed that he’s king |
ed mcmahon endorses another depressing product |
report: there probably not the best place to stand |
dnc committee throws bound jay inslee onto melting iceberg before pushing him out to sea |
hillary clinton hints at presidential ambitions by concealing information from american people |
john kerry sits in shadows of kiev café awaiting woman known only as dasha |
crowd can't believe balls on frontman who waited till third song to ask them how they're doing |
oscar countdown 2002 begins |
tensions mount after north korea destroys all of asia |
study: best method of finding job still excitedly circling newspaper listing in red marker |
supreme court told to take down tip jar |
nation wishes it could just once be reminded of preciousness of life without mass shooting |
obama supporter has perfectly improbable explanation absolving president from blame for scandals |
severe allergic reaction causes florida to swell up to twice normal size |
you take away guns, and someone’s just gonna invent, manufacture, and use a high-powered knife launcher |
salamanders bravely offer to go extinct in place of better animal |
environmental study finds air in chicago now 75% bullets |
area waitress has one hell of an ass on her, local man will tell you that right now |
boss’s clout evaporates after he’s seen in shorts at company picnic |
passersby can’t help but stare at woman’s huge kids |
area 93-year-old has death-after-life experience |
nemesis lands alumni magazine cover |
magical office worker able to turn everything he touches into more work for colleagues |
nation's gynecologists assure women that whatever gets stuck in there they can get out |
boyfriend plans magical evening down to first detail |
backstreet boys release first single since 2013 |
entertainment writer has knack for making complex pop culture concepts accessible to lay readers |
laura bush publishes courageous op-ed calling for imprisonment of whoever created ice |
i didn't think it was the onion at first, it seems realistic... new facebook feature scans profile to pinpoint exactly when things went wrong |
fd&c blue #5 to restore beauty of world's oceans |
report: average american has just 20% of what it takes |
alleged nazi war criminal deported back to germany |
matt lauer returns to today show following 2-day suspension |
metlife, goodyear tragically merge |
woman already off to bad start as mother after requesting epidural |
news: the last hurdle: congress has informed puerto rico it can’t be the 51st state until it gets its obesity rate up to the u.s. average |
queen elizabeth frantically trying to preserve european alliances by arranging great-grandchildren's marriages |
can’t go on reddit at work? this man checks it out for you |
area man already knows which chicken tender he's saving for last |
melania trump stumbles upon dozens of husband’s haunting, macabre self-portraits |
george w. bush debuts new paintings of dogs, friends, ghost of iraqi child that follows him everywhere| the onion |
concept car designers struggling to think of cool new ways for doors to open |
nation's dads announce plans to trade in the dodge for something with a little more zip |
laughter now exclusively used to mask feelings |
10 things your parents were right about |
house conservatives introduce resolution to impale rod rosenstein |
fascinating lore: nintendo revealed that the reason mario always comes back to life after he dies is because both heaven and hell reject his soul |
joe paterno's name to remain on joe paterno center for covering up sexual abuse |
man prone to lying beds woman prone to lying prone |
woman who visited kenya once struts confidently into african store |