text
stringlengths 1
790k
| date
stringlengths 2
18
| gender
stringclasses 2
values | age
int32 13
48
| horoscope
stringclasses 12
values | job
stringlengths 3
23
|
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
im stuck in a rut. | 08,September,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
ok yes im writing in my blog AGIAN but really whos counting? ok i xDeadBoy1977x: damn how u get so chubby TEpPiE64: u called me fat TEpPiE64: stupid bitch xDeadBoy1977x: i said chubby TEpPiE64: ok thats saying ew ur fat in a nice way tim beck just called me fat stupid bitch okay so my day went from pretty good to omg wanna die horrible to not bad at all to omg life sucks to okay teddie is fine now wow i laugh | 07,September,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
i wanna cry, i hate everyone. im going to curl up in a lil ball and crying untill i have nothing left to cry with. im so depressed, im not depressed cuz of the things a certain someone did cuz i dont care about that. im just i dunno upset. its like things just suck lately. ive been building up so much anger and confusion that im just exploding now. the most saddest thing of all is, at moments like this i miss having kevin around, cuz i could ramble on about how my life sucks cry like theres no tomorrow and he would make EVERYTHING all better. now i just sit in my room and cry and write about it in my blog, feeling empty. god maybe thats my problem maybe im just lonely. okay im done complaining to my blog for one night. hope u guys were entertained goodnight | 06,September,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
MAdMaN34X: i gtg to work MAdMaN34X: but if u still wanna talk call me later around 1030ish TEpPiE64: haha haha TEpPiE64: o wow TEpPiE64: ok TEpPiE64: bye ha i laugh whats next saying i love u 100 times in every sentence o god what is this world coming to!?!?! | 06,September,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
i just want to get one thing straight i have a fuckin mother i dont need some stupid bitch that thinks they can take over come into my life that im perfectly happy with and change it around ok granted my mother isnt exactlly ur everyday come home cook me dinner clean the house mother she might be a little slutty and kinda skanky and a bit bipolar and sure she calls me a bitch and says im a disgrace but i love her non the less she is MY mother and i dont need a new one and for my fuckin dad to sit there and stab me in the god damn back like that is fuckin bullshit who does she think she is to come into my fuckin family and think she can take it upon herself to change the rules around..i was prefectly happy with the way my life was going no problems, no worries, my dad never really made a big deal about where i was and now she decided that SHE wants to no who im with, where im going, and blahblahblah she wants me to call every 5 fuckin minutes and blahblahblah i love it how during this lil "heart to heart" my dad didnt say one fuckin word god damn it pisses me off...i just want my life back to the way it used to be like lil problems like this realy get me mad...it just makes me think about all those nasty things i had to go through back in the day and i hate thinking about that i really dont like this at all it just makes me think what would of happened if my mom wasnt a slut and dint get knocked up by some heroin addict from califorina and what if i never moved to florida and i stayed in chicago what would my life be like? god damn i hate when i do this...one thing gets me started and the next thing i no im crying hystrically and rambling on and on about how bad my life really isnt, ok sure i feel like cinderella with a wicked step mom that really isnt my step mom (yet) and ive probably gone through more growing up and realizing people arent who they seem then any normal adult ive met i swear...from the words of wisdom by gina valerugo "teddie u should be more fucked up then u really are" i dunno man i just dont no...well now that u no basically almost every thing about my life except for the horrible details u probably dont wanna hear...ill move on......wow thats all i have to say is wow...okay well cheating and lieing is one of my big things that i cannot stand considering my mother did it for 3 years and kevin did it to god damn u just cant trust anyone these days but anyway i dunno i mean i can sit here and but im not going to cuz A) i personally dont give a flying fuck about what she does anymore and B) its really none of my business...so im just gonna back off... ha wow god damn im in a bad fuckin mood tonight watch out!! is there any respectable noncheating nonlieing people in this world?!?!?!?!?! | 06,September,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
well im super tired..i went to the Teddie (Sadie) Hawkins dance pretty fun yet kinda dumb stuff...all i have to say is...tony was there | 06,September,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
im at heathers house woot woot go heather!!! but yea were going to the el gameo in a few min burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp i just burped..okay so i saw tony today | 05,September,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
TEpPiE64: im eating a hotbod TEpPiE64: dog* Weezmanyay: ur right i do have a hot bod mike mike mike what a guy | 04,September,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
jeeze well everyone is ending relationships today..mike and melissa, tony and rosie..its so sad...it makes me sad...i dont like seeing people sad...that brandon the beer man calls me capt. random...haha cuz im just so random..well i talked to the one and only kevin daly today...god it makes me mad...its just so o i dunno confusing? i just dont no what to do with my life anymore only 15 days till my birthday..WOOT WOOT! paaaaaaaaarrrrtttyyyy!i didnt see tony today i was sad...i wanted to give him a big hug and make sure he was ok..i dont like people being sad it makes me sad ha i said that already well tomorrow is FRIDAY woot woot!ok im out like whoa peace | 03,September,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
well i signed up for like every club haha i feel so special and important GO ME!!ive been in such a horrible mood lately like EVERY lil thing is pissing me off..like the fact that all we have in this house is ice tea is making me mad and the fact that my dog wont go away is making me mad and just EVERYTHING is just ahh i want to hurt someone but anyway i failed my chemistry test today i no it..damn that class makes me mad...SEE!!and the way mike keeps saying.. Weezmanyay: HEY THERE! is driving me INSANE but anyway im gonna go get some sleep peace out | 03,September,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
well today was boring...really nothing exciting happened...im sooo fuckin sick of hearing about luisa and whatknot really it makes me want to throw up..its like an old joke said 2 many times...like one of those annoying comidians that say the same joke over and over and over agian that really isnt that funny to begin with like y is mike c tlaking to me about it? maybe its just that i dont go running around telling every damn person on the face of the earth about my problems i dont fuckin no...anyway smalls has a game today and i NEED to go i mean come on its smalls first game... | 02,September,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
last night me and shanna picked alex and tyler up and drove around and then went to biancas and got natash kerri and bia bia bia and tyler and alex stole beer o man good fuckin times we drank at biancas pool haha i got so drunk dude EVERYONE was fuckin drunk as hell it was insane well me and shanna slept in her car...we were drinking till 6 in the morning and then slept for o about an hour or 2 and then came back to my house and slept till 230 i think shes mad at me now cuz i was fuckin sleeping and she wakes me up and says clean my car with me and i said no lets just do it later im sleeping and she storms out and brings all the garbage into my room god damn i was gonna clean the car i just didnt wanna do it THAT second anyway i had fun last night but now im gonna go sleep some more peace out niggggga | 01,September,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
okay this will be my last post in the blog, probably not but hey as of right now im done writing in this. this just basically means a new blog which also means im not giving u the address which means u cant be a noisy lil bitch anymore and know what goes on in my life haha i so win this game..."i, teddie hawkins have made my lemonade..." and this time u cant have any of it...goodnight all | 13,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
the cubs lost...muthafuckers thats okay they play tuesday at wrigley woooo GO CUBS | 12,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
Ben44977: thats it teddie Ben44977: were thru! TEpPiE64: haha no not at all TEpPiE64: i liked him for like 2 weeks when we were going out Ben44977: psh Ben44977: prob like 2 years! TEpPiE64: i havent known him that long Ben44977: yea sure teddie Ben44977: i jsut dont know when to believe you any more TEpPiE64: kevin u no ur the only one for me! Ben44977: i use to think that Ben44977: sniff sniff TEpPiE64: kevin u no its true TEpPiE64: i only want u Ben44977: id like to believe that Ben44977: but its too late for that Ben44977: ive moved on TEpPiE64: no kevin! TEpPiE64: dont do this to me TEpPiE64: im nothing without u Ben44977: im sorry teddie Ben44977: but this is the way its gotta be TEpPiE64: dont u care about me? TEpPiE64: how can u do this Ben44977: im sorry teddie Ben44977: but im afraid my heart has been captured by a new love Ben44977: pepsi cola | 11,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
well today im doing nothing, i have to hang out with the family i smell, i need to shower...yesterday i did nothing also...haha i can sum my life story up to one word...nothing! things r so boring..i need some excitement in my life...still waiting...no excitement for teddie o well...im gonna go back to sleep when will i ever get what i want? | 11,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
TEpPiE64: ew i got really fat in the past 10 minutes ILoveMike0112: wow thats a world record ILoveMike0112: u cant get fat TEpPiE64: dude i think so TEpPiE64: yes i can ILoveMike0112: tall girls never get fat TEpPiE64: umm yea ILoveMike0112: they dont ILoveMike0112: umm no TEpPiE64: im tall and fat TEpPiE64: so i win ILoveMike0112: ur dumb ILoveMike0112: and skinny ILoveMike0112: and tall ILoveMike0112: no fat TEpPiE64: hahahaha TEpPiE64: thanks melissa ILoveMike0112: lol | 11,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
im so upset? i think i dunno im something...im so sick of liking guys, it depresses me its like i always like the wrong ones...first i fall in love with a lieing cheating bastard that lives 1600 miles away and now i like some kid i have NO chance with y do i do these things to myself, i need a good cry super kevin daly comes to the rescue with his WONDERFUL advice..... TEpPiE64: guys r so stupid kevin Ben44977: hahaha Ben44977: you should just get on him Ben44977: touch his penis Ben44977: he wont say no TEpPiE64: ew kevin Ben44977: no seriously Ben44977: if u wanna get on him Ben44977: but hes like not sure if he wants to Ben44977: just touch his weiner TEpPiE64: hahaha god what a dork, it made me feel better tho, kinda im just...blah hopefully the day brightens up | 10,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
sweat urlLink Blood, Sweat, and Tears brought to you by urlLink Quizilla | 10,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
im at melissas house haha heathers car broke down and we had to drive in the towtruck with the tow man haha it was sooo funny we sang to smash mouth, bah ha men. shaggy and nysnc fuuuun stuff i hate depressing people, i dont understand y perfectly good people act so sad, maybe its a attention problem? i dunno i just dont understand it, o well tomorrow me and heather r gonna apply at that place, i think i dunno tho. i need to call my dad...bianca didnt call me tonight, i was sad god depressing people r so.....depressing hmmm alright im out peace | 09,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
im so muthafuckin bored, today was a boring day...people annoy me i didnt see tony today what a pain anywho...im hungry, not really my nose itches that means someone is thinking about me woooot okay im gonna go lay in my bed and be bored | 09,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
okay so today i had muthafuckin midterms fuckin shit man fuckin shit...i did okay, i no i did good on my algebra one HIGH FIVE! anywho i had work today, with tony haha it was like so much fun like totally...hes one cool kid anywho tomorrow is friiiday woooot woooot i better do something fun this weekend, i have a good feeling about this weekend i dont no y, knock on wood...knock knock okay im gonna go eat my muthafuckin green beans peace out | 09,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
TEpPiE64: whats ur most favorite thing in the whole world? Ben44977: you TEpPiE64: HAAAAAHAHAHAH Ben44977: hahahahhahahhahahahhaha whoa hahaha i laugh so hard Ben44977: ive never lied, cheated, or done anything wrong in my life Ben44977: and ive never sinned TEpPiE64: shut up muthafucker | 08,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
well i havent really written much of anything lately, im just sick of writing in here i was gonna stop but some people convinced me that i shouldnt, anyway im talking to kevin ALOT lately, pretty freaky stuff hes changed so much,well not like so much but its like he just doesnt care bout anything anymore..he should,he has alot of potential but i guess no motivation, hes probably scared to grow up and move on alone...maybe hes scared to be alone in general so hes changing everything about him to make himself more likable? i personally thought he was fine the way he is...o well, tony is a Kumon worker now, like me! wooo hooo other than that theres nothing else i wish to add | 07,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
ah mami | 07,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
can i be your loooover girl | 06,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
well im in school right now, with madi haha yea well today was an actually very fun day ive decided im not gonna let anything let me down, im still confused about certain things but hey its all good love u all peace out | 05,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
tonight was homecoming it wasnt bad, i dunno confusing ummmmmmm even more confusing stuff...guessss who im talking to on the phone guesss okay ur wrong i bet u didnt guess right...okay im on the phone with kevin daly, yes THE kevin daly anyway i have somethings to say....i dont like it when people play with my mind, and i dont like it when they confusing me with things they say, i just dont like to be confused whatever fuck it im gonna go wash this 10 pounds of make up i have on hey o well peace | 05,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
teddie is emo tonight, yes EMO now shut up And I'm still here waiting there To catch you if you fall. I don't know why I care so much When I shouldn't care at all. Finally got the nerve to tell you How much you mean to me you said that I was your best friend, A real sweet guy, but that's all I'd ever be. I guess that I'm wrong for falling in love, But you're still the one that I'm dreaming of. I guess that it's you I want to hold onto, But you're holding onto someone else. If I had one wish this is what it would be... I'd ask you to spend all your time with me, That we'd be together forever. We'd buy a small house in south central L.A. Raise lots of kids then we'd both join a gang Just as long as we're together. The things you make me wanna do I'd rob a quik-e-mart for you I'd go to the pound and let all the cats go free Just as long as you'd be with me. Today I woke up alone wishing you were here with me, I wanted us to be something that we'd probably never be. Today you called me up and said you'd see me at our show, But now I'm stuck debating if I even wanna go. (ha i laugh at this one) (its scray how true these things can be) okay im done being emo on my blog incase anyone was wondering that wasnt one giant song it was a combination of Ataris lyrics dork | 03,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
okay well its 800 exactly and im sad, i went to the mall today...i saw tony there and now im sad y u ask ill give u a hint: tony is at the mall and im at biancas, does that help? yea bummer | 02,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
okay im in the libary at school bored out of my mind, o god today is a very CONFUSING day ive been pondering...question of the day.....why do i always like the wrong guys? hmm i wonder anyway ive come to the conclusion about a few things but sorry but no i am not discussing them on my blog no more discussing on this things only very vague details sucks for u, if ur wondering what im pondering about and u really want to no ur more than welcome to ask me urself than this way the people that care and want to no will ask me and the people that i dont want to no that probably wont really ask dont no...once agian i win | 02,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
today was a GREAT day, i found some things out from melissa and im like the happiest person on earth god my moods change so fast, but i dont care im suppppppper happy so back off bitch | 02,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
F A M E by urlLink spazyspag Name: Youre famous for: Hosting 28 MTV shows You get famous: August 23, 2073 You make $$ per/year: $253,414,054,155,770 Do people like you? Everyone hates you Dead/Alive: Alive, but not for long Created with urlLink quill18 's urlLink MemeGen ! aw i feel so loved | 01,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
today was um, confusing?, ive been in such a WEIRD mood lately like some one can sit there and just start talking and 10 miniutes later ill be like "huh? what did u say?", maybe im turning into a ditzy airhead blonde, o god shoot me now please things r just i dunno fucked up i guess, but i dont no what those things r...im like going mentally insane...like today at school i was completly out of it, people would say hi to me, and im just like "huh, hi what?" god it was so weird i dunno man i just dont no and today i completly snapped...like i havent yelled at anyone viciously in such a long time, most people i no, dont even know how loud and scary i can yell and today i went in my brothers room to see if he would sign off and hes like no go away and i go NUTS, im like lajdiquelaldj laj dja i hate u aljdpouqweljakjdad and slamed the door, i slammed the door so hard i broke his shelf so he came in my room and was like aksdlkajdljasdj and knocked over this mirror thing i have on my floor and i was like alshdlkahdlausdu get the fuck out alsjdlajsdljasd i scared myself, i HATE it when people yell at me. god i hate it so much. anyway i just dont no anymore, i feel strange, i want to curl up in a lil ball and cry can anyone help me please? | 01,October,2003 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
well hey look who it is... im actually writing in this agian, not like anybody looks at it anyway, i wonder if anyone remembers it...o well i dont care...right now im sitting at my moms work in chicago being totally bored today im gonna hang out with kevin, im excited i dont no what were gonna do but i wanna see the notebook agian so maybe we will do that ANYWAY me and chris will be going out for 9 months on the 19 isnt that crazy? weve had some rough times latly but i think we can work through it i mean i really do love him but sometimes i think ya know what if i wasnt with him? am i a bad person for thinking that? probably oh yea i want to say publicly how great kevin is... he is so good to me and i dont understand it, he is the bestest friend i could ever ask for just wanted to mention that anyway theres really nothing going on except im TOTALLY bored i colored pictures today and spilled white out all over my hands wonder how im gonna get that off but yea i really miss chris, i miss someone holding me OH YEA my brother was in the hospital for bein drunk stupid fuck o well its his own damn fault. how come i can never get a hold of gina what the hell o well, u know who i miss melissa and i miss brittney too and of course i miss my baaaaaaaaaaaaby but 2 more hours and im out of here thats it for now it was nice talking to you xoxo teddie | 09,July,2004 | female | 16 | Virgo | indUnk |
2:12AM 11/13. I am watching Martha Stewart make some kind of mushroom dishes. I really have an issue with cleaning mushrooms with only a dry paintbrush. How is that going to clean it? OH NO! Good ole' Rachel Ray is on this commercial. LOL. She is so damn hilarious. I just got back from the store getting cigarettes. I really need to quit smoking. Oh well..maybe when I secure a job I will be able too. 'SO' is in the other room asleep. He is having back issues so he needs to sleep on a firm mattress. The doggie is in bed with me. He is already asleep. I have to get up at around 9ish tomorrow so I can go mail that book. More later....maybe! | 13,November,2002 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
This is a test blog. | 16,August,2003 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
I really, really want to blog. It is the new, fresh idea... and everyone is doing it. But, what do I write about? | 21,April,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
Can I just tell you how I hate when Scott picks the movies to watch? It is always like X-Men, Spiderman, or the dreaded KILL BILL!!! I hate that movie. The other's I can stand, but only like once a year. Please help!!! | 05,May,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
We are getting ready to go swimming. Yoohoo. Nothing like baking in the sun. More later. | 22,May,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink Is she playing peek-a-boo already? urlLink | 09,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink Awww...how he would be so happy with one of his own. urlLink | 09,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink Scott and my sister Brandy with Marley urlLink | 09,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink Awww...isn't Marley cute? urlLink | 09,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink Erin again urlLink | 09,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink Erin with her new baby urlLink | 09,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink Brandy and Elijah (Jaycee is on the side) urlLink | 17,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink Grandma and Elijah urlLink | 17,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink Is that a foot I have? urlLink | 17,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink The spectacular view of Norton urlLink | 20,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink A place where I would love to be right now. It is called Pigeon Point in Tobago. urlLink | 20,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink Awww... the storm's leaving. urlLink | 20,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink "Head for the hills...a storm's a comin'" urlLink | 20,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink Good Ole Family Fun urlLink | 20,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink "I promise, I didn't do anything wrong!!!" urlLink | 20,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink With a face like that.... you can't help but love him... urlLink | 20,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink Whoa! He is muscle man! urlLink | 26,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink Finally, a green pepper is growing in our garden! Posted by urlLink Hello | 30,June,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
Amy with Elijah urlLink urlLink | 02,July,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
Elijah and Amy urlLink urlLink | 02,July,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
Amy with Elijah urlLink urlLink | 02,July,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink Can Buddha get any closer? Posted by urlLink Hello | 11,July,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink There she is again! :) Posted by urlLink Hello | 11,July,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
urlLink Awwww... isnt Amy a cutie? Posted by urlLink Hello | 11,July,2004 | male | 27 | Taurus | indUnk |
I have done such a good job for so long pusing aside my personal feelings, wants, and desires... now they all seem to be piling up on me. Part of me is glad I feel alone, because at least it means Im not hurting anyone else... But there is that duality too... I cant accept that, otherwise I would not feel alone... I think about her wanting to meet my parents... I couldnt afford to give her the life I would want to give her... Im so far in debt right now... I wonder if I will end up my fathers son afterall. | 30,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
I never said this before, but my Dad is in Jail. Funny thing is I am kind of glad he got what he diserved and I hope they keep him for a while... I doubt they will though. At least my mom wasnt home when he tore the house up and threatened my brother with a razor. Ive kept so much bottled up and private... Here is something I wrote a while back when I was seeing a counsellor. We moved around a lot when I was growing up... I distinctly remember living in at least six different houses, not counting the times my mom fled to my aunts or my grandparents to get away from my dad. It was always hard to make new friends or leave existing ones behind... I remember not wanting to bring new friends home because they would have to meet my parents and most likely see them fighting and arguing, I didn't want them to see me like that. There was also the use of drugs my homes, the quite casual pot smoking among my parents, their friends, and my relatives. My dad also had no problem walking around the house in just his underwear, something I had a serious problem with because there were times when I had friends over and he would just walk out in his underwear... it was quite embarrassing for me and another reason not to have people over. As long as I can remember my Dad has always had a drinking problem. When he drinks he gets confrontational and violent, at times we would try and be quiet to just try and not wake him up if he was sleeping... he always seemed grumpy. My mom and him would always argue and fight.... Generally over stupid trivial things, not anything I would deem important. Just about any time there was a verbal argument it turned into a physical thing with my dad hitting my mom. When I was really young I was powerless to stop it, we would leave and go to the house of my moms friends or stay with relatives to get away from him if it got really bad. I remember one time when I was living at Camp lake, my dad got really drunk and we were all scared, we went down to my Aunt Kathy's house and were hiding in the bedroom. My dad came knocking on the door and when Kathy wouldn't let him in he beat the door open and was coming for my mom, my brother and I. I was so scared and crying and then I think to stop him my Aunt Kathy hit him over the head with a frying pan or the flat edge of a meat cleaver and knocked him out... I think the police came after that, but they never really did anything. The above scene was repeated more times than I can remember, with different friends or relatives, or even just fighting in our home... Our neighbors stopped speaking to us because my Mom just stayed with my Dad no matter what... The police came, but they wouldn't do anything.. maybe take him away for a day or something but nothing more than that. I tried talking to a school counselor, but he just called my parents in and they denied our home life was that bad. That was probably the last time I spoke up about things growing up 6th or 7th grade I think. He would even get into fights with my mom when her friends and relatives would come and visit, accuse her of things that were just absurd... Like cheating and the like. With my grandparents or my aunts over, it didn't matter to him. One time he threw all of my aunts luggage outside because he didn't want them to be there anymore... If we left the house when he was like this he would always lock the doors and lock us out. I do not know how many times I had to climb in through a window in order to let my family back into the house. As I got older I started to stand up for myself, and my mom. This would generally result in me being hit or choked or pinned down while my dad yelled and screamed in my face. Until the point finally came where I could fight back... It took a little while for him to realize that I would not allow myself or my mom to be beat on when I was around. I pinned him down a few times, hit him, and always he would tell the police I was just a violent son. My mom of course would back his story and so they would not do anything with my dad. He would always threaten me or my material items I treasured... He would break my toys and then blame me for it. One time he threatened to throw my card collection in the bath tub in the heat of an argument and I lost it. I tackled him outside and pushed him to the ground. I hit him a couple of times and words were exchanged. When I let him up he said he was still going to do it and started walking towards the house. I picked up a bike lock and threw it at him. It hit him in the back of the head and knocked him out... I stood there watching as he lay on the ground twitching... When the police came that time, my mom stood beside my dad and told them that I had started the fight and that I had assaulted my father... If she had told the truth they would have taken him to Jail... Instead they took me to Juvenile detention. While I was there I resolved that I would never allow myself to be betrayed by my mom like that again. I was done getting hurt and I had proved to myself that I could defend myself if needed. Mom and Dad still argued and fought and sometimes I did keep him from hitting her, but he knew he couldn't beat me anymore and generally didn't try to... most of the time he just would fight and hit my mom when I was away... she of course would never say anything about it, just be crying when I got home. My mom's friends and family stopped coming over, stopped being around... I watched week by week as the people she knew didn't want to be around her because of my dad. They tried and tried to get her away from there and only got to see him be an asshole and destroy things because of it. Eventually after enough times of her leaving and going back to him they just stopped coming over anymore. Aside from the abuse there was the drug use in my home. Both my parents smoke cigarettes and marijuana, in fact most of my relatives also do. Many of my family relatives drink and some I would even consider alcoholics. It was always uncomfortable with such a casual drug attitude in my home. It seemed that I could not have people over because they would know about my family's drug habits⦠They didnât exactly go to any effort to hide what they did. I almost never had friends over because between that and the fighting it was not something I wanted to my friends to be exposed to or to think less of me because of it. Most of the times I would go over to other peoples houses on the weekends, I spent very little time at home and whenever one of my friends wanted to come to my home I was always nervous about it and worried constantly that they would think less of me because of my home life. I always have been embarrassed by my parents. They lack any tact or manners when socializing with other people, they have very little respect for other peoples opinions, and are not tolerant of people with different racial/sexual backgrounds. I remember numerous times hearing about the fag or queer cousin, the dyke cousin and her girlfriend, so and so and that nigger. It really upset me, but I always just bit my tongue and never said anything even though my point of view differed. I guess I never really thought I could speak up and say what was on my mind. I did not feel that I would be respected for having my own opinion and would probably be ostracized for my views. I guess this was out of fear of my dad, I guess it seemed that he got upset anytime anyone had an opinion different than his, and such encounters would normally end either in violence or him stomping off to his room and slamming doors or breaking something around the house. I guess he did that quite a bit, if there wasnât fighting or violence, he would punch holes in walls, break things like dishes⦠pull the phone out of the wall and smash it⦠he always did that.. To make it harder for us to call the police I suppose⦠always wrecking things we cared about, things that made us happy⦠bikes, cars⦠I cant count the number of times he would hit a windshield with his fist⦠Either while my mom and him were arguing in the car, or because we had gotten into the car and were trying to get away from him. He liked to take the car keys a lot too when they fought, I remember that⦠he didnât want us to leave or call for anyone. If I wasnât sticking up for my mom or if they were just arguing and it had not escalated to violence, I would normally just hide in my room⦠turn the radio up loud to drown out the arguing and the screaming. A few times I remember locking my door to hide from him because I was scared, but he would just break the door down, so I stopped locking it. I remember him threatening to call my teachers and tell them things⦠I donât remember what things, just more threats that would affect how people outside of my home viewed me and that always generally got me in a confrontational mood with him before I learned to detach myself. A lot of times it was like that if he couldnât be happy then no one was allowed to be happy or have things they treasured. At school I was always considered a bright kid I guess, but I didnât really like to do homework. I would always score remarkably well on tests and had no problem understanding or explaining material in most of my subjects. But homework meant staying at home, and this was something I tried to avoid as much as possible⦠it was not a quiet place to work most of the time and there were a couple times where my Dad actually ripped up my homework during a fight. This really became a problem later in high school where I could not get by on test scores and class work alone. I was in advanced math and computer classes and it became really difficult for me to give my classes the attention they needed outside of school. This is also about the time we had a large number of family problems, My dad started doing harder drugs around this time⦠I am pretty sure cocaine, and I think my mom might have been too but I donât know for sure. Anyways my parents were not paying their taxes on the house they bought and we were evicted⦠we moved into an apartment complex and were eventually evicted because of noise complaints involving my dad and also because of my parents failure to pay the rent. I was working a lot of hours and going to school at this time just to help out with the bills and stuff because m dad wasn't working⦠but it wasn't enough. After that I went and lived with my Grandmother for a while, my dad was also living there. My mom and my brother were living in a place down in Grand Rapids in a very poor neighborhood. The place was full of mice. I ended up there for a while before the place was condemned and I think I moved to my aunts at that point. Then back in with my Grandmother so I could work and go to school⦠Then back to my aunts and found an apartment my mom and I could afford in Grand Rapids. After living there and working for a while my Dad moved back in⦠I am not quite sure how this happened but it did. The fighting continued and the cops came a few times. I took an opportunity to move out of state at this point⦠but my parents did not continue to pay the rent and were evicted⦠instead of saying anything to me they just let it happen and I had a judgment for the eviction on my credit report. I eventually got that paid off while I was out of state though. When I was at my grandmas, my dad would get into fights with me all the time⦠always arguing sometimes hitting me. It scared my grandmother, his mom, quite a bit but she would never do anything. My uncles would come over and talk to him, try and get my grandma to kick him out⦠but she wouldnât⦠I was really struggling in school between all my hours at work to help out and the stress of life at home and eventually was forced to drop out of school because I had missed too much time. This is something I regret to this day, but in spite of that I have managed to accomplish a lot. He would be gone for long hours and associate with people my mom insisted were supplying him with cocaine, I even found a crack pipe in his pants on more than one occasion. The police would never do anything though. | 28,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
Happy Birthday to me! I will be using urlLink fitday.com to track my weight loss progress and calorie intake. There is a link on the side urlLink to my fitness journal . If you are interested in that sort of thing check it out. | 28,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
Tomorrow I turn 25. I have made some great progress in loosing weight and getting into shape, but I still have alot of body fat I wish to loose. I am going to start a urlLink Cyclical Ketogenic Diet (CKD) . This diet is basically a low carb, high protien, high fat diet designed for people who are active. Atkins is really meant more for sedintary people and results in a fair amount of loss of muscle mass. Ive heard good things about this diet, and so I look forward to trying it to see if I can really loose some of this body fat I want to loose. I am going to start by eating less than 20 grams of carbs a day for the next two weeks, then I will start my Carb Loading July 11th. This should ensure my body is in Ketosis and a good starting point for my diet. I am going tin increase my my exercise level, and I may try eating 6 small meals a day instead of three larger meals. I am going to keep track of my progress on my blog. Once a week I will post my stats.. Body Measurements Weight 195 % Body Fat 23 Hips 39 Waist 35 Chest 40 Biceps 14 Neck 15.5 Thighs 24 Lifting Stats Bench Press 205 Incline Press 185 Curl 75 | 27,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
A bit of lyrical magic for all of you out in blog land from Semisonic. Lonely boys and your lonely girls Here at the end of the lonely world You're finding out if there's someone to cry about Lonely girls and your lonely boys Playing alone with your lonely toys Well don't be blue coz there's no one to play with you Get a grip on yourself you know you should I got a grip on myself and it feels good Get a grip on yourself take my advice I got a grip on myself and it feels nice When the lights come on and the party's through There are always a few with nobody to do Well now don't despair, you'll eventually get there And meanwhile all of the lonely ones Here's what to do while you wait for the sun to rise above The loneliest kind of love Get a grip on yourself you know you should (get a grip on yourself) I got a grip on myself and it feels good Get a grip on yourself take my advice (get a grip on yourself) I got a grip on myself and it feels nice Well it feels nice Yeah it feels nice Well it feels nice Yes it feels nice If you're looking for someone to get a grip on you First you've gotta get a grip on yourself its true Get a grip on yourself you know you should (get a grip on yourself) I got a grip on myself and it feels good Get a grip on yourself take my advice (get a grip on yourself) I got a grip on myself and it feels nice Well it feels nice Yeah it feels nice Well it feels nice | 21,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
urlLink Are all voluntary acts selfish? Whenever you do something for someone else, you get a level of self satisfaction, we all know that. In order for a deed to be in the category of self-less, there should be no benefit to the doer of the good deed. Feeling good about doing the deed, would disqualify it from being selfless since you are receiving benefit. So, is there really such a thing as a SELFLESS good deed? Extend this to friendship... Selfishness manifests itself in every action of which Humans, and all other animals partake. If it were not for the seeking of self gratification or gain no action would be engaged. Therefore the manifestation of selfishness is everywhere around us all the time, in every action, for if there were no selfishness there would be no action. Just solving the basic pains of the body which are the need for food, water, shelter are selfish actions; after all we do not engage them for another. Even pity is" the imagining of a like calamity befalling one self" - Thomas Hobbes | 19,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
"How do you know the chosen ones? No greater love hath a man than he lay down his life for his brother. Not for millions, not for glory, not for fame... for one person. In the dark. Where no one will ever know or see." - Sebastian | 19,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
All my friends are make believe. | 15,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
Last couple of days have been hell at work, long long hours... Im too tired to write more. If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we are not really living. Growth demands a temporary surrender of security. It may mean a giving up of familiar but limiting patterns, safe but unrewarding work, values no longer believed in, relationships that have lost their meaning. As Dostoevsky put it, 'Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most.' The real fear should be of the opposite course. - Gail Sheehy | 15,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
Wow, what a weekend. Aside from one very down moment I had alot of fun this weekend. Drinking, playing video games, exercising, watchin movies... A little bit of everything. Im such a light weight now, I guess losing 90lbs or so it makes sense that I cant drink like I used to... One bottle of Pinot Noir and I was done saturday night. I got a chance to talk to Lindsay a bit more, she's a great gal and I am glad Erich and her have been able to work things out. I hope it lasts this time. I picked up Contact and AI for 15 bucks, I love those movies. The Chronicles of Riddick was better than I had thought it would be, so I walked away from that movie pleasantly surprised. I am going to try and catch super size me this week, that looks like a good movie. In weight lifting Satuday I managed to do 195 on the bench and 175 on the incline. I will move up in Incline Saturday or Monday depending on how sore I am, and may try 200lbs on the bench. I am going to try and run every day now, I want to drop some fat and flab... I bought some ankle weights so I do weighted leg lifts (yay). I have some great friends who really care about me. Thanks you guys! Kind of an ADD post, expect something more coherent in the future. | 14,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
The realization Today on my way to lunch I found myself asking why I was having lunch with this woman. She and I have nothing in common. I find her annoying, very harsh and critical of the service she receives, and she doesnt like exotic food. She also doesnt eat bread. I guess maybe I could just be her friend, but I dont know. I open doors for her, she hugs me when we part... we share a dessert when we eat out.. Yet I cant really stand her or her attitude. I guess its the company and companionship... Play dating I would call it I guess. The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man. - George Bernard Shaw | 10,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
Bad workout today, I dunno I guess my mind just wasnt with it so I gave up.... we'll see how I do Saturday, but I could only get 3 full sets in at my target weight, four reps on the fourth set, then took 10lbs off and could only manage three reps... C'est la vie I suppose, but I am overly critical of myself... I knew I wasnt feeling it when I got home, so I should have just listened to that voice in my head. Probably has something to do with the lack of good solid sleep last night.... whatever no sense making excuses for myself.. I couldnt do it. Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways. Samuel McChord Crothers | 09,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
My new obsession. I realized that I have been kind of obsessing over my weight and counting calories again... My weight has remained very stable over the last few months. My ability to lift and bench has increased, but my body fat percentage has remained the same... maybe thats whats been giving me pause lately to re-examine my diet... I think I am probably overreacting though... I dont know how my percentage of body fat and weight can remain constant, yet I feel I am more toned and muscular looking... that should be all that is important... not what a scale reports. I have been putting too much emphasis and worry into trying to ensure I am not regaining body fat.... I look at old photos of me and I cant believe the difference. For those of you who might be stumbing across this here are a couple pics for reference. June 2002 June 2004 | 08,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
Nice busy day at work, lots of long boring meetings... Today I am reminded why I hate Michigan... 90 degress and humid as a mofo... Went for a longer run than usual and it felt pretty good, I must have looked pretty terrible though, my shirt was drenched with sweat and was quite visible... maybe someday I will be able to feel comfortable running w/o a shirt on. Anyways, Im looking forward to working out tomorrow... Gonna try and do my bench sets at 195. Ive been coping alot better today than I have since Sunday... Maybe it was a bad idea to mix antidepressants and excessive amounts of Alcohol... Ah well time will tell. Dont seem to be getting any hits on the personal ads I posted... The Internet probably isnt a good place to meet women though, especially since they all expect the guy to pay the monthly fee to contact them... Suppose in some ways the Internet is no different than a bar. Some quote I happened Across "When we are loved we are afraid love will vanish when we are alone we are afraid love will never return and when we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard not welcome but when we are silent we are still afraid." --audre lorde, in "Litany for Survival" | 08,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
If at first you dont succeed.... a) Destroy all evidence that shows you tried. b) Try, Try, Again. c) Cheat d) I'll let you know when it happens | 07,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
Have you ever stopped to think that maybe you were meant to be alone? Its still like a big black cloud looming over my head. I am preocupied with the things I have yet to accomplish in my life and trying to find faults within myself that explain why I am single. I am almost 25 years old. I have been on my own since I was 18, I have a new car, bought a house last year, I am successful and good at my job. I enjoy my job and the people. By most standards I have have a blessed life, but why is that I dont feel accomplished. It seems I put more importance on not having someone to share my life with than I do on just living my life. Its not something that happens all the time, but there are so many gentle reminders that stir these feelings inside of me. A friend of mine once told me: Everything turns out right in the end. If things arent right, then its not the end. Its so easy to give advice to others and not accept my own advice. I cant rush my life, things will happen on their own time table, I need to stop clinging to these desires and just live my life and let life happen. Or do I need to go out and make my own destiny, are we the instruments of our own destiny or merely a just part of some greater comsic plan for us? | 06,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
Feeling a bit lonely tonight, I will try and post something tomorrow. | 06,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
This is the start of my blog. Its a place for me to just sort of free form whats on my mind. | 06,June,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
You shouldnt expect to learn about someones life by reading a web page. | 17,July,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way,so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. | 15,July,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
Another day older, hair thinning, aches and broken bones... Im starting to feel the pressure, only 6 days left to study for my CCNP recertification exam... Its late, I dont feel like typing anything interesting. | 14,July,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours But I think that God's got a sick sense of humor And when I die I expect to find Him laughing | 11,July,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
urlLink something positive - the comic equivelant of the island of misfit toys | 06,July,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
Chillin to some groove salad, studying BGP confederations and route reflectors... Four weeks until my CCNP lapses... I should probably schedule a dry run and see how I do, but that's an expensive lesson @ 185 bucks a test. Check out this shockwave flash... I cant believe someone took the time to make it... urlLink Come together The sun sets on another day, I had the most amazing dream this morning... I could feel myself smiling still when I woke up... I wish I could have held onto that thought all day. | 05,July,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
Today we celebrate our independence day. In honor of that event, I give you... Free Porn urlLink Porn I leeched from somewhere a while back urlLink MMMMMmmmmm...Heather Carolin urlLink Nice long mpeg for you | 04,July,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
Ugh, I think I have allergies... My nose has been stuffed up all week making it damn near impossible for me get out and run since I cant breathe through my nose. I'll have to go to the DR and get a perscription for some Allegra or something I suppose. I need to recert my CCNP/CCDP by July 27th. I need to study and its going to be a rough schedule... If I fail to pass the exam, my CCNP and CCDP lapse... Maybe that isnt such a bad thing. | 03,July,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
"Science is like sex; occasionally something practical comes out of it, but that's not the reason we're doing it." | 02,July,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
urlLink Dog toy or marital aid I managed 10/14 on this little quiz, see how well you can do. | 01,July,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |
I had a dream last night about a fight when I was younger... My dad through a heavy wrench at my brother and hit him in the head... he was bleeding bad. I hope it was just dream... | 01,July,2004 | male | 25 | Cancer | Internet |