The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1841-12-21 00:00:00

WELCOME SWEET BABY,

MARY ONES.
When the sweetheart of Mr. John JunkJ
requested his auto-
graph, and explained what it was, namely, " a couple of lines
or so, with his name to it," he replied, that be would leave
it to her in his will, seeing as how it was " done with gun-
powder on his left arm." There have even been autographs
written by proxy. For example, Dr. Dodd penned one for
Lord Chesterfield ; but, to oblige a stranger in this way, is
very dangerous, considering how easily a few lines can be
twisted into a rope. According to Lord Byron, the Greek
girls compound autographs as apothecaries make up prescrip-
tions ; with such materials as flowers, herbs, pebbles, ashes,
and bits of coal. Lord Byron himself, if asked fora speci-
men of his hand, would, probably, have sent a plaster cast of
it. King George the Fourth and the Duke of York, when
their autographs were requested for a keepsake, royally fa-
voured the applicant with some of their old Latin English
exercises. With regard to my own particular practice, I
have often traced autographs with my walking-stick on the
sand. I also seem to remember writing one with my fore
finger on a dusty table, and am pretty sure I could do it with
the smoke of a caddie on the ceiling. I have seen something
like a very badly scribbled autograph made by children with
a thread of treacle one slice of suet dumpling. Then it may
be done with vegetables. My little girl drew her autograph,
the other day, in mustard and cress. Domestic servants, I
have observed, are fond of scrawling autographs on a tea-
board with the slopped milk, Also, of scratching them on a
soft deal dresser, the lead of the sink, and, above all, the
quicksilver side of a looking-glass; a surface, by the by,
quite irresistible to any one who can write, and does not
bite his nails. A friend of mine possesses an autograph—.
" REMEMBER JIM HOSKINS"—done with a red hot poker
on the back kitchen door. This, however, is awkward to
bind up. Another—but a young lady—possesses a book of
autographs, fitted just like a tailor's pattern-book—with
samples of stuff and fustian. The foregoing, sir, are but a
few of the varieties ; and the questions that have occurred to
me in consequence of your only naming the genius, and not
the species, have been innumerable. Would the gentleman
like it short or long? for Doppeldickens, the learned Dutch-
man, wrote an autograph for a friend, which the latter pub-
lished in a quarto volume. Would he prefer it in red ink, or
black—or suppose he had it in sympathetic, so that he could
draw me out when he pleased ? Would he choose it on white
paper, or tinted, or embossed, or on common brown paper,
like Maroncelli's ? Would he like it without my name to it
—as somebody favoured me lately with his autograph in an
anonymous letter ? Would he rather it were like Guy
Faux's to Lord Monteagle (not Spring Rice) in a feigned
hand ? Would he relish it in the aristocratical style, i. e.
partially or totally illegible ? Would he like it—in case he
shouldn't like it—on a slate? With such a maze to wander
in, if I should not take the exact course you wish, you must
blame the short and insufficient clue you have afforded me.
In the mean time, as you have not forwarded to me a tree or
a table—a pavingstone or a brick wall—a looking-glass or a
window—a teaboard or a silver plate—a bill- stamp or aback
kitchen door—l presume, to conclude, that you want only a
common pen-ink and paper autograph ; and in the absence
of any particular directions for its transmission—for in-
'stance, by a carrier pigeon—or in a fire ballpon—or set
adrift in a bottle—or per waggon—or favoured by Mr. Wag-
horn—or by telegraph, I think the best way will be to send
it to you in print.-1 am, sir, your most obedient servant,
THOMAS HOOD.—Comic Annual.