The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1838-12-28 00:00:00

SCENE I.

Ante-Chamber to the Viceroy's Sleeping Apartment, in the
Vice-regal Residence.—Time---Midnight.
TURTLE► and GIBBON discovered playing at dominoes.

GIBBON. See, how you lay that piice amiss!
Tuert.E. Amiss?—
'Tis double cinque and cinque-deuce joined to that.
Gm. True! but observe the mimic line we draw,
To represent the ramparts of Quebec.
Thus far our game did trace the walls, which stretch,
With devious angles, right athwart the neck
Of this peninsula :—but now you break
The rule of fortification and defence,
By laying down your pieces like a child,
Who plays for pastime merely, caring naugh:
For bastion, angle, flank, or battery,
And anxious only to play out the play.
TORT. Why, so would I.
GIB. Not thus are we enjoined
To waste our sport : his Excellency bids,
That, as we wile an hour away in play,
We make the game subservient to some profit,
Blending the useful with the pleasant; and
As ZEsop learned to moralize at taws,
We likewise make our duties here a sport,
Acquiring knowledge of the colony,
Whereof we know so little; Shame upon us!
If to the mother country we return
As ignorant as we came. I wish t' acquire
A general knowledge of the strength and state
Of our defences here, in case a row,
Despite the Viceroy's potent ordinances,
Arise next winter in the colony.
Hence, do you see ?—in games of dominoes
I seek the science which I lack the most.
Some uses of stone walls I know; but this,—
The art of keeping men outside the wall,—
Is new to my unpractised intellect.
Why, Turty, you're asleep !
TORT. Nay, I but mused
On a new project for an ordinance
Gte. Your scheme to hang or banish traitors first,
And try them after, if convenient,
Bespoke true genius, such as well befits
The shrewd adviser of a despot bound
By no restraint of mean and vulgar law.
What new device is hatching in your brain ?
TORT. A simple plan,—yet popular, 1 ween.
How many wretched couples, man and wife,—
Say rather, mutual torments,—groan beneath
The inexorable bondage of a yoke
Themselves imposed ; —conventional crimes!
Dust take me, Gibbv !—Let the Viceroy give
A proclamation to the effect that all
Who wish may be released from marriage vows;—
An Amnesty, in short, of wedlock.
G re. Ah!
Tutu.. A sweet oblivion of the past, a plain
Legal non -recognition of a union
To either party grown distasteful, or
For one more luring scorned. This cannot fail
To please the multitude; and scandal's mouth
Will be stopped, and conscience rendered free;
Nor taunts, nor sharp compunctious visitings-
-What was that sound?
GIB. His Excellency's snore!
I know it well, Sir, and well pleased I bear;
For 'tis the signal sends us both to bed.
So long as doth the noble Viceroy wake,
Our duty keeps us here: but when he sleeps
And Morpheus winds his Lordship's nasal trombone
With deep sonorous note, our watch is done.—[about to retire.]
Good night!—be sure don't blow the candle out,
But use the extinguisher: for should the stench
Steal through the keyhole and assail the nose
Viceregal, 'tis an incense will incense
His delicate organ with a sense of fury,
And rouse him, though be slept as sound a sleep
As fifty of Glenelg's condensed in one. [Exit. [
TORT. (musingly)—Yes, yes !—the marriage ordinance is
the thing
'Twill serve a double purpose; first to win
The popular applause [vile humbug!), for
It cannot but be grateful to the crowd
Of luckless Benedicts to be again
Free as their will to mate as pleases best:—
But chiefly, that it will obliterate
Odious distinctions, doth it like me well.
0, we mast have this custom well reformed ! [Exit.]