The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1854-04-18 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

A SIGN OE Lucx.—A will signed in your favour.
ELEGANT EXTRACT.—HeIping a pretty girl out of a
mud-puddle.
How TO CIRCULATE ADVERTISEMENTS AMONG LADIES.
—Add a postscript enjoining secrecy.
STRAIN the bow, and the arrow swerves; such is the
case with the mind.

HOPE is the sunbeam of the heart, which dispels or gilds
the chilling clouds of adversity.
MEAN SPIRITS under disappointment, like small beer in
a thunder-storm, always turn sour.

THE HEIGHT OF MOCKERY.—A barrel organ opposite
your window, playing " Let us be happy together."
A QUERY FOR Docrons.—Does it follow that because
a man occupies an attic room he must be room-attic
(rheumatic) ?
THE YOUNG LADY who fell in love has just been pulled
oat by the daring fellow who successfully struggled with
the world.

" WHY did you not pocket some of those pears ?" said
one boy to another; "nobody wat there to see." ".Yes,
there was; I was there to see myself; and I don't ever
intend to see myself do a mean thing."
NOTHING sets so wide a mark between a vulgar and a
noble soul as respect and reverential love of womankind.
A man who is always sneering at woman is generally a
coarse profligate or a coarser bigot.
AFTER AN ARISTOCRATIC WEDDING, which lately took
place, a perfect shower of satin slippers, in lieu of the
traditionary old shoe, was thrown after the carriage con-
taining the happy pair.
A YouNG LADY, at breakfast, asked a gentleman to hand
her the "hen fruit," pointing to a plate of eggs. The
gentleman suggested "Shanghai berries" as a more fas-
tidious term. _

A SIEREWD YANKEE editor has found out the reason
why " Yankees speak a dialect so much purer than that
which is found on the tongues of the men of England."
It is that Lindley Murray was a native American.
APPLAUSE.—Some one remarked to Mrs. Siddons, that
applause was necessary to actors, as it gave them con-
fidence. " More," replied the actress ; "it gives us breath."
" MANY a young lady who objects to be kissed under the
misletoe, has .no objection to be kissed under the rose." A
careless compositor made an error in the above, rendering
it, " has no objection to be kissed under the nose."

A REPoirr,-circulated in Melbourne, at the emigrant's
expense, is that of the lady, who, when her quarterly bills
came in, had nothing to do but run into her garden, take
a dish, and wash some gold, pay her bills, and go on again
THE PRESENT AND THE FUTURE.—In girls we love
what they are, but in young men what they promise to
be.—Neweastle Journal.—Ha! and if the " promise " be
not performed, the " girls" let the " young men" know
"what they are."—Gateshead Observer.
AN AMERICAN NOTION OP ROYALTY.—When the
American frigate Constitution was at Naples, their Majes-
ties, with all the Court gorgeously dressed, came on board
to see the ship. While they were being escorted by Com-
modore Rogers round the ship, a boatswain's mate stepped
up to the first lieutenant, and, touching his hat, whispered
" Please, sir, one of them kings:has fallen down the main
hatchway."
AN EARLY HEARER OF Dn. CHA.LMERS.—"WeII, said
one of the merchant friends of Mr. James Chalmers to
him one day, wholly ignorant of his relationship to the
doctor (whom he had never gone to hear), " have you
heard this wonderful countryman, and namesake of
yours ?" " Yes," said James, somewhat drily. "And
what do you think of him ?" " Very little indeed," was
the reply. " Dear me !" said the astonished inquirer,
" when did you hear him ?" " About half an hour after
he was born. '—Memoirs of Chalmers.
RHUBARB WINE.—To every gallon of soft water add
51b. of ripe rhubarb, cut into thin slices and bruised ;
let it stand nine days, stirring it three times a day ; let
the tub be covered with a cloth; strain it, and to every gal-
lon of liquor add 4 lbs. of white sugar, the juice of two
lemons, and the rhind of one ; then to fine it, add 1 oz. of
isinglass to every nine gallons ; let it ferment for three
weeks, add one pint of brandy, and bung it up. Make in
July, bottle in October ; and to each bottle add one table-
spoonful of brandy, one teaspoonful of lump sugar.
WE MUST ADVANCE.—Perhaps there is no higher proof
of the excellency of man than this—that to a mind pro-
perly cultivated, whatever is bounded is little. The mind
is continually labouring to advance, step by step, through
successive gradations of excellence, towards perfection,
which is dimly seen, at a great though not hopeless dis-
tance, and which we must always follow because we never
can attain ; but the pursuit rewards itself: one truth
teaches another, and our store is always increasing, though
nature can never be exhausted.—Sir Joshua Reynolds.
GEOGRAPHICAL QUERIES.—Is Hudson's Bay as safe as
the rest of Hudson's speculations P—lf the chops of the
Channel have a Yarmouth vessel riding over them, does
that constitute " a smack in the chops ?"—Supposing Ben
Nevis to be rallied for, how long would it take to be got
up ?—Are the lochs of Scotland secured by quays ?—Has
Dublin, the City, any connection with doublin' the Cape ?
And what is the precise age of Mississippi?
HUSBANDS AND' WIVES IN PRANCE.—A husband has
generally nothing to do with the details of household
affairs ; he never buys linen, plate, or furniture, ranch less
provisions. The man -would be eternally ridiculous who
should think of bringing home a " bit of fish" for dinner.
He is supposed not to know the price of any article of first
necessity. In genteel society he scarcely ever is aware
whom his wife has invited to dinner until he sees his
guests. The lady of the house overlooks everything—even
the dress of her husband she buys his shirts, his cravats,
his gloves; her taste presides over aIL
A PORTRAIT OF SIR CHARLES NAPIER.—" A farmer-
looking man, with a fat face, thick lips, and a tremendous
nose covered with snuff ; large ears like the• flaps of a sad-
dle, and like `Uncle Ned,' in lyric history, with no wool
to speak of on the top of his head, although his phrenolo-
gical developments display an extensive surface where the
wool ought to grow ; the head placed on the body of a
stunted alderman, whose clothes appear to have been
pitchforked on his back, with one shirt-collar up and the
other down, his waistcoat buttoned awry, and his shirt-
front smeared with snuff—and you have the portrait of
Sir Charles Napier. If there is a thirst for further or
more minute particulars, it may be added. that the admiral
wears blucher-boots, and takes snuff with three fingers."
NEW USE OP WORDS.—A correspondent of the Brat-
tlebrough Eagle tells the following story of a witness
upon a liquor trial :—" How do you know it was brandy ?"
asked the lawyer. " Well," replied the-ready witness, I
smelled of it first, and then I welcomed' about a glass of
it." The unexpected verb wholly upset the gravity of the
court, jury, and miscellaneous people ; and they were not
at all assisted in recovering their equanimity by his further
testimony that the man who bought the brandy drank of
it himself" till he was quite salubrious."

A HINT To NICHOLAS —There can be no question that
to the gloomy influences of hypochondria are to be attri-
buted some of the most remarkable errors of celebrated
men, some of the most lamentable excuses of noted crimi-
nals, that are recorded in history : the hero has sunk into
the poltroon, the philanthropist into the savage, the phi-
losopher into the fool. Strange that "battle, murder, and
sudden death," might frequently be averted by the timely
administration of a blue pill and a black draught; that to
the derangement of Imperial viscera may be due the cala-
mities which now overwhelm. the, East, and which threaten
to involve the whole of Europe in war.---Household
Medicine and Surgery.
A SCENE AT A BACHELOR'S BALL.—After whirling for.
some time in the ecstatic mazes of a delightful waltz
and myself stepped out unobserved on the balcony to en-
joy a few of those sweet moments of solitude so precious to
lovers. It was a glorious night—the air was cool and re-
refreshing. As I gazed at the beautiful being at my
side, I thought I had never seen her look so lovely ; the
full moon cast her bright rays over her whole person,
giving it an almost angelic appearance, and imparting to
her flowing curls a still more golden hue. One of her
soft fair hands rested in mine, and ever and anon she met
my ardent gaze with one of more confiding love. Sud-
denly a change came over her soft features, her full red
lip trembled as with suppressed emotion, a tear-drop rested
on her long drooping lashes, the muscles around her
faultless mouth became convulsed—she gasped for breath,
and, snatching her hand from the warm pressure of my
own, she turned suddenly away, buried her face in her fine
cambric handkerchief, and sneezed !

A TABLE D'HOTE AT CONSTANTINOPLIL—The dinner
table at Misseri's hotel d'Angleterre, at Pent, is not a very
large one. The company who attend it,-is, however, of a
rather uncommon, and perhaps, even unprecedented, de-
scription. With the exception of her Britannic Majesty's
political agent for the Danubian Principalities (a forced
exile fromßucharest), his secretary, two civil engineers, and
the correspondents of two of the London morning papers,
it is composed of the most warlike and destructive elements
that could well be gathered together. The original in-
ventors and sole proprietors of the most combustible in-
struments for the destruction of mortal man there dine
together in peace and harmony. Mr. --, the original
inventor of the newest species of rocket, sits little removed
from Mr. —, the exclusive proprietor of the celebrated
patent explosive shell ; whilst a little lower down the
happy owner of 20,000 revolvers is casting up in his mind
whether the Turk will appreciate the five-fold qualities of
his arm. The rest of the table is filled almost wholly by
military men, and has for the last few days been honoured
by the presence of Lieutenant-General Sir John Burgoyne
and his staff, who have just returned from the Dardanelles.
—Correspondence of the Morning Chronicle.
STABLINGS.—MaIcoIm Gordon thus writes in Kidd's
Journal and Book of Nature :—I have been more than
pleased, exceedingly delighted, by a perusal of the many
interesting notes that have appeared in your Journal, from
time to time, upon the habits and playfulness of the
amiable starling, a bird who only requires to be known to
be thoroughly and heartily welcomed. Unfortunately, the
race against whom you are (very properly) for ever wag-
ing war, slaughter these joyous little rogues directly they
enter a neighbourhood to find themselves a dwelling-place.
Hence their comparative scarcity • near towns and cities.
However, /am a favoured being, as you shall hear. I re-
side in the neighbourhood of Canonbury Park, where I
have been located several years. On taking possession of
my present house, I noticed that a pair of starlings had
adopted its roof for their dwelling ; and had built a nest
there. With great interest I continued to watch their
movements ; and, in due course, the papa and mama in-
troduced us to their little family, another choice pair
That was in 1851. I will not encroach upon your space to
tell you all the fun and merry tricks that we have ever
since witnessed among this "happy family." But there
they are now, tame as ever, confiding, affectionate, and as
full of play as these ever-playful birds:can be. I only wish
your readers could see come down, and strut about
draw up the worms, and devour the grubs !
in their gloriously-gay them
and glittering colours upon our
grass-plot !Itis a pretty, a charming sight. And to ob-
. I need not tell you what " pets"
anylliplatyherto, we have managed to protect
stick close to us, as if they really knew
twls
het
er vei
mskh;
better oaewn odt
fh_t
thtehhyaeenym
there was danger farther abroad. I have often quaked
lest some sporting neighbour's gun should be brought to bear
frequently
society
gets o
love)o Kiddetueo y
a
upon them; but somehowthey possess "charmed lives." May
we live till they die ; and may they live till we die ! Pew
people round London, I imagine, are so favoured as we by
theli ttl companylittle
fellows
our ga of
(whoser
des nt lin g s
we T o
dearlythe
the abv
honour
more Mr.
f frequently
tempo-
rary addse
the savage brutality of man alone prevents these noble
domesticating themselves amongst us dwellers
near Lon-
don.rary visit ; but out comes a neighbour's gun the very
moment the gay visitors are seen. A report is heard, the
birds take the hint ; and away they fly, to seek more hos,
pitable treatunut.ebewhere.

DESECRATION OF THE LORD'S DAY AT
THE BIRKENHEAD DOCK WORKS.