The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1853-02-22 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

GIVE the devil his due. Certainly, says a contempo-
rary ; but it is better to have no dealings with the devil,
and then there will be nothing due to him.
FAME is like a young duck in a mud-puddle—very easy
to see, very easy to talk about after you have seen it, bu
it is an awful job to get hold of it.

WHY is the letter D like a squalling brat? Became
it makes Ma Mad. Why is the letter Y like a young
spendthrift ? Because it makes Pa Pay.
A GENUINE YANKEE thus advertises his wife :
" On the 16th of August, on the night of Monday,
eloped from her husband, the wife of John Grundy. His
grief for her absence each day growing deeper, should any
one find her, he begs him to—keep her."

A Fix.—Johnson says be was never in a tight place
but once, and that was when:he had an insane bull by the
tail. Had be held on, be said he would have been drag-
ged to death over a stubble'field ; while if he had not
held on. the critter would (have turned round and gored
him. The question now is, which did Johnson do, hold
on or let go?

A GOOD PLACE FOR HUNTING.—" Well, farmer, you
told us your place was a good place for hunting, now
we've tramped it for three hours and found no game."—
" Just so ; well, I calculate, as a general thing, that the
less game there is the more hunting you have."

Two VOCALISTS begged of Dr. Arne to determine
whether of the twain were the better singer. After bear-
ing them—" You are the worst singer I ever heard in my
life," exclaimed the doctor to one of the combatants.
" Then," cried the other, exultingly, " I win." " No,"
said Dr. Arne, " You can't sing at all."

LOVE IN THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY.—Men and
women whose life was ceaselessly occupied with ideas and
intrigues of love, were naturally always susceptible of its
influence ; and if, as Rochefoucauld observes, " there are
some people who would never have fallen in love, if they
had not heard love mentioned," many persons, through
bearing it talked of wherever they went, fancied they bad
found it where it did not exist. Surprised at these effects
of the imagination, some men endeavoured to explain
them by causes of a most ridiculous character. In order
to prove that the seat of lore is in the blood, Segrais re-
lates a story of a German gentleman, whose faithless
mistress, desiring to get rid of him, ran him twice through
the body with a sword. He did not die of his wounds,
but, strang. to say, when he bad recovered, said Segrais,
" He felt as much indifference for the princess as if he
had never loved her, and he attributed this to the loss of
blood."—Guizot.

LIFE IN A FIFTH FLOOR IN PARIS.—The patient is
old, ugly, and unmarried ; she lives on £5O per annum. At
eight she gets out of bed. At nine she shakes the dust
out of her little carpet from the window of her attic. At
ten she sips a bail cup of chocolate. At e'even her nose
gets troublesome, and she takes snuff. At a quarter-past
eleven she says her prayers—short. At twelve she takes
out of a drawer the silk string which guides her lap-dog
in the garden of the Tuileries. At a quarter-past twelve
she puts on her brodequin, and looks in the glass twice.
At half-past twelve she sallies forth to take the air—what
she does abroad who can venture to say ? At four she returns
and scolds her dog, who forgets his manners in the streets. At
half-past four she whips him. At five she eats her dinner
—soup and a beef-steak. At six she falls asleep over a
pious book. At eight she puts on her night-cap. At nine
she sets her watch right. At ten she goes to bed. At
half-past the lamp goes out for want of oil. At eleven she
snores. Such is life at sixty in a fifth floor at Paris.
TELL YOUR WIFE.—Yes, the only way is to tell your
wife just how you stand. Show her your balance-sheet.
Let her look over the items. You think it will hurt her
feelings. No, it won't do any such thing. She has been
taught to believe that money was with you, just as little
boys think it is with their fathers—terribly hard to he
reached, yet inexhaustible. She has bad her suspicions
already. She has guessed you were not so prosperous as
you talked. But you have so befogged your money
affairs that she, poor thing, knows nothing about them.
Tell it right out to her, that you are living outside of
your income. Take her into partnership, and I'll war-
rant you'll never regret it. There may be a slight
shower at first, but that's natural. Let her see your
estimate, and when you come home again, she will show
you that you have put her bills too high. True, she had
had a guinea bonnet last winter, but " it is just as good
as ever ; a few shillings would provide it with newstrings,
and refit it a little ; the shape," she says, " is almost ex-
actly as they wear them now." And you will be sur-
prised to see how much less expensive she can make your
wardrobe. My dear friend, if, like Spain, your outgoes
threaten to exceed your income, be sure to tell your wife
of it. Not in a tone and manner that will lead her to
think you don't want her to buy furs this winter, but
just as if you wanted a counsellor in the day of your
trouble. And if she does not come up, heart and soul,
and most successfully to your relief, put me down for no
prophet.
THE INCORRIGIBLE.—A good story is told in an eastern
paper of the treatment of a drunken husband by his ami-
able spouse. After trying various expedients, all to cure
drunkenness, she at last bethought herself of another plan
of making a reformed drunkard of her lord. She engaged
a watchman for a stipulated reward to carry Philander to
the watch-house, while yet in a state of insensibility, and
to frighten him a little when he recovered. In consequence
of this arrangement, Philander awoke about eleven o'clock
at night and found himself lying on a pine bench, in a
strange and dim apartment. Rsising himself upon his
elbow, he looked around until his eye rested on a man
seated by a stove, smoking a cigar. " Where am I ?" said
Philander. "1 n a medical college," said the cigar smoker.—
" What-a-doing there ?" " Going to be cut up."—" How
came that ?" " Why you died yesterday, while you were
drunk, and we bought your body to make anatomy. " Its
a lie ; I'm not dead." " No matter; we bought your car-
case from your wife, who had a right to sell it, for it's all
the good she could ever make of you ; if you are not dead
that is not the fault of the doctors, and they'll cut you up
dead or alive." " You will do it, eh ?" asked the old sot.
" Aye, to be sure we will ; now directly," was the resolute
answer. " Well, can't you let me have something to drink
before you begin ?" This last speech satisfied the watch-
man that Philander's was a hopeless case, and, as his re-
ward was contingent on his successful treatment of the
patient, he was not a little chagrined at the result ; so,
with no gentle handling, he tumbled the irreformable in-
ebriate out of the watch-house.—American Paper.
A TOWN IN THE COUNTRY.—A periodical writer gives
the following amusing sketch of country quarters :
" There was so much party feeling, so much jealousy,
so much pride, so much affectation, so much opposition in
social matters, so much petty Miss I— would not go
where she was at all likely to meet Mrs. K—; that
Mrs. Buttercup and her daughters, whose father had made
a fortune by bricklaying in this town, was now too high
and mighty to associate with Mrs. Stanley, whose father
wss about to retire from business. The surgeon's wife,
from Wantage, because her family was related, through
some seventieth degree, with the aristocracy of the country,
would not associate with thelawyer's wife,whose origin was
traceable to something like a clergyman's family at Read-
ing. In short, our unfortunate party only brought out or
laid before us the actual condition of affairs, to which
before we had been blind. Our doctor initiated us very
speedily into the state of feeling prevalent in this quiet
place, almost beyond the precincts of civilization, or
rather that artificial process by which natural men and
women are converted into stone automatons. We found
that even those who could keep handsome establishments
—live in handsome houses, dress in a handsome manner,
who bad made their fortunes, by speculation, merchandise,
or any other similar source, and over whose heads a whole
generation had passed since the disgraceful fact of having
attained an independence by their wits or energies—even
oldthese
family
fa werel not admitted within th e
therefore
sacred
p reei n
compelledetsof theto
y
form a coterie, from which they, in like manner, excluded
all retired tradespeople,—those who had risen from
nothing to independence : so that these again, in order to
do as others did, formed another sub-society, from which
all present dealers in merchandise—all still serving in
shops—were utterly excluded, compelling
these again to
fall back upon themselves; the large shopholder associat-
ing with his fellow—the smaller with his fellow; and
,ao
on, until the charwoman who worked at Lord 8,
held her nose above the charwoman who worked at Sir
W. M —'s- We at last discovered that the only
gentility of the town wall concentrated is the penal of