The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1840-07-10 00:00:00

voices.
The bower was well filled by three or four comfortable
mechanical looking gentleman, with their spouses all dressed
in black lutestrings, two or three grown up daughters and
about ten or a dozen children, all enjoying themselves in the
way just described. "Ah !" said Joe, "if there be one scene
under heaven which I delight in more than another, it is a
scene like this." I looked him in the face, for I perceived
he was commencing one of his effects, and I did not know
what sort of an effect it might have on a company like the
one before me; I gave him a gentle shake of the head, all I
[ perceived to no use, as he appeared to think the opportunity
too good a one to be neglected. "If there be one scene in
; this world more delightful than another, it is the one before
me ; I should think, sir, that you are one of the happiest men
in this sublunary world," said he, addressing the fattest per-
sonage of the lot, "I should think your joy unbounded when
you have all these pretty little dears (patting two or three of
the children's heads) thus around you. Your good lady there
must feel herself in heaven, when she with•her eye in a fine
phrensy rolling,' first looks at their- sire and then at the nuis•
merous pledges of your mutual love : such a sight must at
once remind her of the joys gone by, and those that are in
store for her." "Aye," said the fat gentleman, " I dare
say all that may be very fine, hut they happen not to be mine.
I never carry my pledges with me." " No," said another,
" you generally leave them at your uncles when you go from
home, and carry the certificate of their births in your fob
pocket." This was said with a knowingavink, that appeared
to be perfectly understood by all the party, and a roar of
laughter followed. •
Joe nothing discomfitted at his mistake, declared the ladies
were all so beautiful, the gentlemen so gallant, and the chil-
dren so engaging, (three of them were scrambling up his legs)
that although he had studied physiognomy under Lavater,
phrenology under Spurzheim, physiology under Abernethy,
pharmacy under Sir Hostler Farrier, pugilism under his two
eldest sisters when a very little boy, drawing from Von
Spigot, painting from Von Shootanwaater, the art of gun-
, nery from the shooting gallery, and perspective from Martin,
(the painter of Belshazzar's dinner party), yet there would
be some difficulty in saying which was the' gad parent,' which
• the ' happy child.' " All this was done with a volubility of
speech truly perplexing, but had the effect of exciting at-
tention, for when he had finished, ladies drew in their
breaths, and the gentlemen resumed their pipes, not how-
ever without sundry sly winks, and nods, as with a great
deal of sagacity, they appeared to be making up their mind
to doubt his veracity.
" I'll weave a gay garland, a fresh blooming garland of lilies
and"—" Oh; go on, pray go on," cried he, " if there be one
thing in this sublunary world I love better than another, it
is music, vocal of course, and that too from lips so lovely—
but I ask pardon, be seated, be seated, by all means ladies,
perhaps you did not expect to find an addition to your com-
pany? This is charming—this is delightful—this is as it
should be—now we are complete." All this was addressed
to two young ladies who had evidently belonged to the bower
party, but had been taking a stroll in the garden, and had
been amusing themselves with more than bee-like industry,
for instead of ' culling sweets from every flower,' they had
brought the flowers themselves, and a precious collection
they were. Joe however, 'with his usual politeness (impu-
dence some would say) and gallantry, took one of the flowers
(a marigold) kissed it and placed it in the fair one's bosom.
The pipes were again let down, the wink and nod were again
put into requisition, with a few other symptoms of a less flat-
tering nature—the lad's love (for one had come in with the
young ladies) and heart's ease looking rather queer, one pa-
rentally, the other with a touch of the green eye.' He
however, was so truly civil and had such a good-natured
face, that they did not exactly know what to make of it; so
appeared resolved to wait a little longer, and see more before
they ventured upon a remark.
• Who could he be ?—what could he be? became the anxious
thought of all. "He must be rich," thought the seen ;
" he must be a gentleman," thought the young ladies ; " he
is so handsome"—" and gallant,' thought she of the mari-
gold ; " quite a dear"—" puppy," muttered young lad's love.
" He'll be giving the children half-a-crown apiece," thought
their mothers ;---" he'll be paying for a bowl of rum punch,"
thought their fathers;—" he'll be offering to buy me a new
' satin turque,' " thought she of the marigold, with per-
haps a gold chain and a spy-glass ; not accept it !"
and she tossed up her little head, and looked tlle picture of
affrighted modesty.
Alas ! all were doomed to be disappointed ; for, in the
midst of their cogitations, Joe espied the waiter—a short,
stiff Cheshire lass—crossing the opposite angle of the bowl-
ing-green, when, with the voice of a Stentor, he called out
" Waiter !" She had got a tray in her hand with some re-
freshments, evidently intended for a party in a bower oppo-
site ; but was so staggered with the loudness of Joe's
call, that she looked round, and a repetition of the thunder-
ing command orought her mechanically to where Joe was
sitting, with the tray, pop-bottles and all, in her hand.
" Well, Mary—Mary, my dear, what 's your name ? "
" Jane." "Oh ! very well, my dear—very well ; as soon
as you have taken those refreshments to their respective
destinations, you will oblige me by calling on your return,
as I have a trifling command for you ; that will do, Jane."
The girl stared, went off, and presently returned. Joe
was so busily occupied with kissing the little darlings and
ogling the young ladies, that be was, or affected to be, quite
unconscious of the girl's return. She reminded him, how-
ever, with " Now what is it, please ?" "Oh ! Jane, my
dear, you •are returned ; well, my love, have you got any-
thing to eat, anything in the shape of dinner, eh.?"
" Aye, ween gettun mutton poies an' veeal poies.".
"Oh ! confound the pies ! Have you got nothing else ?"
" Yoi, ween sandwitches booth of ham an' beef."
" Horrid ! I never could touch a sandwich since I was
almost choked with one at Vauxhall-gardens, which would
have certainly been the case but for the Dowager Duchess
of Myeye giving me a glass of lemonade. No, my dear; I
durst not eat one for the world. Sandwiches and cold bread
and cheese give me the staggers ; for the one I hate, and the
other affects my breath ; and that, you know, my dear, would
be shocking. Have you positively nothing else, eh, my
dear ?" •
" Way, ween some coud lamb as was left at dinner."
" That will do," exclaimed Joe " the very thing—the
very thing ! If there be one dish I love better than another
in this sublunary world, it is cold lamb. So now, my dear,
the quantity is the only thing that has to be arranged be-
tween you and me. What is the smallest possible quantity
you can make ?"
" Fourpenn'orth."
" Fourpennyworth ?—that will do. The very thing ! Then
will you oblige me by letting me have it as soon as possible—
fourpennyworth ; and, d'ye hear, Jane, my dear? mind and
cut it nice and fat—it will go further," said Joe—whispering
to me as if not wishing to be heard—" it will go further ;
and, Jane, get me a little mint sauce to it ; I suppose there
would be some left at dinner also ;—but, Jane my dear, don't
bring it at the bottom of the plate, but in a nice little bowl,
and a nice square piece of bread—as much as you can afford,
of course. Here, here, my dear, don't be in such a hurry ;
it is a long time until night, and by taking time, my dear,
you will do everything with more personal comfort to your-
self, and with equal satisfaction to your guests. There, now,
Jane, you may go. Mind and bring some salt."
" I think," added -Joe, turning round to me with great
dignity, " that was giving some good advice to yon menial—
some excellent advice. Oh ! I have been the making of
many a waiter."
He then commenced smacking his lips, and turning up the
cuffs of his coat sleeves, as if be were preparing for a sump-
tuous feast.—" Aye, that will do—that will do, my dear,"
he exclaimed, as the girl handed in the bread and lamb—
" that will do ; and very nice it is. Now, my dear, what
have you got that you could particularly recommend in the
way of drink to this delicious repast, eh ?"
" Way, we'en gotten bottled poorter." "Oh hang the
bottled porter! that I suppose would be a shilling a bottle.
No, no, my dear; I have been done in that way before.
What's the price of your beer ?"
" Eightpence a quart."
" Then bring me a pint of sixpenny."
" We never dos bring sixpenny into the gardens," ex-
claimed the girl, with a snort of contempt."
" Oh, very well, bring in eightpenny, then, of course ; but,
d'ye hear? don't be in such a hurry, my dear. Really you're
very pretty, Jane ; pon honor I did not observe it before.
What's your age ?—but never mind it just now; another time
will do. Let use see—what did I call you back for? Oh—
bring two tall-boys for the ale ; my friend will do me the ho-
nour, perhaps, to take a glass with me; besides, I abhor
tumblers, it's so soon done.
Away want the girl and away went nearly the rest of the
bower party; for the young ladies began to get fidgetty at
observing so much meanness in one so fine ; the gentlemen
began puffing at their pipes faster than ever, and indeed the
noses of the whole company seemed all at once to have a
strange inclination to take a look at what was going on at the
top of the bower. Joe all the time was smacking his lips and
devouring- the fat (for the girl had literally obeyed him in this
particular) with all the gout imaginable, exclaiming between
every mouthful, " delicious?"—" exquisite?"—and by the
time the beer arrived he had devoured the whole, and that,
too, as voraciously as if he be had not tasted food for a month.
"Well, my dear," said Joe, when the girl returned, "you
have brought the beer; now, my dear, you see I havefinished
the lamb—and very nice it was, too, I assure you—but you
should not have put the mint sauce at the bottom of the plate,
after I had given such express orders to the contrary ; but,
however, it was very charming. And now, Jane, you see
there is a very nice piece of bread left."
" It doesn't matter," said the girl innocently.
" Aye," exclaimed Joe, " But, my dear, it dries matter.
It is mine you know—l have paid you for it. He that steals
my purse, steals trash ; 'twas mine, 'tis his, and has been a
slave to thousands ; but he he that filches from me this piece
of bread, robs me of that which not enriches him, but makes
me poor indeed.' Now, my dear, don't you think you could
make a pennyworth of nice mild Cheshire cheese to it, eh ?"
said be.
This was enough, the company arose en masse. It was
the climax. A shock from a galvanic battery could not have
surprised them more. One and all looked at Joe with the
most withering contempt ; the mothers cuffed their children •
from beside him ; the gentlemen looked disappointed rum
at him ; young lads love was de-
lighted,nch and long l
and ‘kiewpires t would be so ; even she of the marigold •
solemn, said lie was a creetor' —" satin turques, eh! with his diamond
rings and gold watch guards, indeed, and wanting a penny-
worth of cheese to his bread, oh ! oh ! ha! ha ! ha. ~ did you
ever."
from a pick- •
pocket. away
an they h ebyu
buttoning
niwent,
up the
their
p
gentlemenpockets as alsootkholluiggli stern,the;
and
were congratulating themselves on their escape
The waiting girl seein all this, took spirit, and said she
had never seen such shabg berness—" a pen or 0 cheese, in-
deed! there was people as came into those there gardens as
spent more than five shillings at once, without not never mak.