The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1854-04-11 00:00:00

RECEPTION BY THB EMPEROR

-
Nicholas the First, Emperor of all the Russias—(Blue,
Black, Brown, Green, Orange, and Red, as he delights to
style himself)—is a fine-looking man, rather taller, I
think, than myself, and, allowing for the difference which
costume makes, nearly as soldier-like in his bearing. I
was dressed in the simple habit of a Friend, whereas he
had on a dark-green military frock (I guessed why), sur-
mounted by a large pair of epaulettes, a regulation sword
by his side (very likely one of Prosser's), and a waist-belt of
crimson and gold, with tassels like Brobdignag bell-pulls.
What his legs were like I could not tell, as they were
encased in jack-boots, the originals of those whose por-
traits I saw at Valmar, but I question if they would have
shone through a pink silk stocking like some I could men-
tion that have flashed at the L—vee, before the eyes of
Q—een V—ct—r—a!
His Majesty, as we entered, rose from his throne
iztanadnpdutbtiinngdindogwn
a book he was reading it
(which was shaped like an(feasromy
-ethhaeirs)
must, I fancy, have been one of " Field's Half-Guinea
Velvet Church Services"), took off his helmet and made
MC
low
bow, Not to be backward iu courtesy, I re-

turned his salute with three of my most graceful
obeisances, taking ground first to the right, then to the
left, and then back again to the centre, with a rapidity to
which few drab-gaitered limbs are accustomed. I then
drew myself up to my full height, advanced my left leg,
poising myself well on my right, and roused my faculties
for the approaching Conference. I ought to have men-
tioned that an orderly officer stood in a cowering attitude
on the Czar's left hand, and that there was a lofty screen
behind the throne. Friends Bean and Starch took up a
position in line of my rear. Having thus made myself
master of the situation, I cleared my voice, and taking
my own Address from my pocket, read as follows :
(Secret and Confidential.)

"Friend Nicholas,—l, the undersigned, leader of a
deputation representing the Society of Friends (commonly
called ' Muffs' in Great Britain), have the pleasure of
making Thy Majesty's acquaintance. lam encouraged to
do so from the countless proofs of affection bestowed upon
certain members of our Society by Th Majesty's exem-
plary grandmother, the Empress Catherine, whose
favourites were so numerous and so highly respectable."
I paused at the close of this sentence to observe the
effect of my gallant allusion to that great ornament of the
Russian female sex. The Czar, whose countenance is
naturally stern, waved his hand (in token of approval),
and I proceeded :
"The Founder of the race of Friends, of whom I am
the worthy representative, was the celebrated John Knox,
from whom I have inherited the mild spirit of pugnacity
which animates me,—and my excellent allies, Henry Beans
and Obadiah Starch" (I thought I might as well bring
them in, and pointed to them over my shoulder, without
raising my head), " whom I beg to introduce to Thy
Majesty. Being in the habit of giving our opinion,
whether we are asked for it or not (as Thy Majesty may
be aware if Thee hast read the speeches delivered by
Friend Blight whenever he can find au audience), the
Deputation, on whose part I have the honour to appear,
beg to inform Thee that, to use a familiar phrase (une
phrase familire), Thee hast decidedly put Thy foot in it,
in Thy quarrel with the Ottoman Porte. Thee hast
already shown Thy teeth ; nevertheless, believing that
Thy bark is worse than Thy bite, we come to tell Thee to
draw in Thy horns. Men of Peace, like Thyself, we wish
Thee no harm, but if Thee provokest us to battle, of a
verity we will pitch into Thee (phrase familiere) `hip
and thigh with a great slaughter.'"
Having rounded off this neat quotation, I resumed,—
no longer reading from the Address, but improvising
from the stores of my own mind, and speaking in my own
diplomatic person.
" The Turkish dispute, Sire," I observed, " had, as your
Majesty must admit, a very ridiculous origin. If my
memory serves me rightly, it began with a quarrel about
the key of the private door to a chapel-of-ease in Jerusa-
lem. Prince Menschikoff wished to have it, that he might
go in when he liked to preach to the Jews in Greek ;
Count Lavalette (who knew what it was to be under lock
and key himself, having made his escape some years ago
from the Bastile) was desirous of doing the same in Latin.
A tussle consequently took place in the streets of Pera,
when your Majesty's Ambassador got the worst of it.
Queen Anne's broken teapot was the cause of the battle
of Blenheim : the lost key to the back door to the Jeru-
salem Chapel will, I fear, involve your Majesty in a
second Moscow. It is to relieve Europe from her present
embarrassment that I have taken this matter in hand.
And now for the remedy which I propose. This pocket-
book, Sire," I continued, drawing one forth, " which
your Majesty will observe is made of real Russia leather,
contains that which appeals with resistless force to the
hearts and homes of every Englishman. It is the type of
their domestic character, an emblem of their firmness of
purpose, and a guarantee for the straightforwardness of
their conduct. In the cause of Peace I depose it at the
feet of your Majesty."
Suiting the action to the word I stepped gracefully
forward, and bending on one knee, with my other leg
thrown well backward, a la Rosati, I placed the pocket-
book in front of the Czar's left toe. I then recovered
myself with a nimble spring, performing an entre-chat
as I did so, and awaited the issue of my negotiation. The
Emperor, who seemed deeply moved by my words, and
said something in Russian to his aides-de-camp, who
stooped for the pocket-book, and placed it in his Imperial
master's own hands. Trembling with eagerness his
Majesty opened it, and took out something carefully
wrapped in silver paper. He tore off the envelope, and
was rewarded by the sight of

MY OWN LATCH-KZ'I !!

What sound was it which at that moment reached my
ears resembling the hysterical laughter of a tortured
female ? Could it be that the bowstring was already at
work within the very precincts of the Imperial Harem ?
I looked round hastily, and, unless my excited fancy
deceived me, distinctly saw a woman's head peeping out
from behind the screen at the back of the Emperor's
throne. If that face seemed to reveal the convulsed
lineaments of the slighted Czarina, let the secret remain
entombed in the breast of Jolly Green ! That no sus-
picion might attach in the marital quarter, I withdrew
my ardent gaze from the screen and placed it upon the
Emperor, whose features were flushed by strong emotion.
The iron force of my logic had entered his soul ! It was
time to bring this exciting scene to a close, and I there-
fore turned to the last paragraph of the Address, which I
read in a manly tone :
" Thus, 0 mighty Prince, may the miseries and devas-
tations of war be averted. We wish Thee a Merry
Christmas and a Happy New Year (old style), and are
Thy reepeeted Friends
"JOLLY GREEN OF LONDON,
" HENRY BEANS OF BIRMINGHAM,
" OBADIAH STARCH OF BULLOCK SMITHY."

The paper concludes with their very unceremo-
nious expulsion from the Russian territory, and a
declaration of war against the tyrant by Mr. Jolly
Green, whose verdancy and impudence of character
is admirably sustained throughout.

The Dublin University Magazine. Dublin
James M`Glashan.

This periodical continues to manifest the same
masculine energy which has characterised and
adorned it throughout a long and. honourable career.
The present number opens with an able paper on
the war, now about to commence in earnest, and
which, in its progress, is likely to shake several
European thrones, and may overwhelm their
dynasties. It concludes with an article on " British
Rule in India," in which some of the remote con-
tingencies of that war are reviewed with sagacity
and contemplated with courage. Between these
warlike extremes, we have papers distinguished by
various characters of excellence. Two of these
deserve especial notice ; the- first, " A concluding
Visit to the Dramatic Gallery of the Garrick Club,"
from the pen of our old friend and favourite, J. W.
Calcraft, in which the whimsies and vicissitudes of
theatrical life are portrayed with spirit and good
taste : the other, " A fresh Start in the Gold Fields
of Discovery," in which a rapid and excellent
recapitulation is made of what may be termed the
resting - points in the world's history, physical,
moral, and religious. The number is also enriched
with about its usual amount of the literature of
fiction, snatches of capital poetry ; and it is, in fact,.
an excellent literary and political miscellany.

Kidd's Own Journal. London : Groombridge.
Like the beauties of nature, to which this work
is more especially devoted, each number comes
before us fresh as the sweet spring, and redolent
of its various charms. Among the contents of the
one just published, we may notice articles on the
bee, the sweet violet and primrose, insect life, the
sunflower, the beauties of Devonshire, life of a
tame squirrel, anecdotes of dogs, and numerous
pieces of pleasing poetry. Its character is well
maintained, and there are few periodicals which
should prove more welcome to young people, or
which may be so safely entrusted to their perusal.

Hogg's Instructor. Edinburgh : James Hogg.
The April number of this periodical is a good
one. It contains an admirable article on the
" Geology of the Crystal Palace," another on
"Eastern Travel," and "Memoranda by a Marine
Officer," besides miscellaneous essays of various
grades and qualities.

The Universal Library.

Part 30. Crabbe's

Tales. London -: Nathaniel Cooke.

Few collections of modern poetry have met with
a wider or more deserved popularity than Crabbe's
Tales ; in this issue they are printed in an elegant
form, and at so cheap a rate as to bring them
within reach of even the humblest reader. Like
its predecessors, the present part of the Universal
Library is beautifully printed and tastefully illus-
trated.

GOOD RESOLUTIONS are like fainting ladies—they want
to be carried out.
A PosT asks us a number of questions, which we have
not time to answer. He commences thus
What feathered songster's matin lay is worthiest of esteem?
To which we unhesitatingly reply, the hen's.
DISPARITY OF AGE IN MARRIAGES.—Mahomet's first
wife, Kadijah, was at least 40 when he, at the age of 25,
married her. Shakspeare's Ann Hathaway was seven years
his senior. Dr. Johnson's wife was literally almost double
his age. The wife of Lord Herbert of Cherbury was six
or seven years older than her lord. Sir Thomas More's
wife was also seven years older than her husband. Howard,
the philanthropist, at the age of 26, married a first wife
who was then 52. The Countess D'Ossoli (Miss Fuller)
was nearly ten years her husband's senior. Jenny Lind,
too, is said to be eight or ten years older than Herr
Goldschmidt.
THE AFTER DINNER SPEECH AT THE IMPROVEMENT
CLlTB.—(Reported literally by Punehd—Well—now—
myhonangallan fren'—S' Charles Napier 's goin, t' th'
Baltic. Why's S'Charlesnapier goin' sh' th' Baltic ?
Tell you why's goin' to Balt—hie ! 's goin' to give
Zemparussia dusagood srash'n. (Loud cheerin.) Slues
why S'Charl' Snapier's go
Charley in' sh' Baltic (" Brayvo,
I") Shomeshay we're norrawar. Norrawar !
Hashha ! No ! Norrawar ! Noshexactly awar. But
myhonangallan fren"clar' war as soon as get in a Baltic.
Get into Baltic give my honannangal fren"shority to
clar' war. (Vociferous cheers.) Leave evryshing to my-
honangallan fren.' Only lem get safeintobaltic. Zshen
you'll see ! You'll she'm versoon bring Zshempra Nich'las
to's senses. Blow sh' old vagabon's navy 'boutisears like
skyrocks wildfire Guyfawkes Houseacommons an
Fifshanovemba. (Tumultuous applause.) Zshenl'men,
here's all your vehgood heats ! I beggapard'n—here's
my honangal'n fren's sbjolly goo' health ! " For ho's a
jolly good fellow," &c. (Chorus by the whole of the corm.
pany, ami4 • ', ' ' -•- ' drableti dowTO