The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1854-03-14 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

No PEOPLE are so impatient of censure as those who
are the greatest slanderers.

A Mims:, WOMAN. is never allowed to speak her hus-
band's name, either during his life or after his death.
WHEN AN INDIVIDUAL submits to the extraction of his
wisdom tooth, does he lose his senses?
A MISER is the most oblivious, and yet the most vin-
dictive of mortals, because he is always for-getting and
never for-giving.
KEEP THE FEAR OP GOD constantly in your heart ;
remember that he always sees and notices you ; and order
your life as in his presence.—Sir M. Hale.
A TEETOTALER was requeated by some of his admirers
to consent to have his likeness taken. He assented on
condition that it should be taken in water-colours only.
IN A TRACT distributed by the Mormon preachers, the
following question and answer occur :—" What shall be
the reward of those who have forsaken their wives for
righteousness' sake ? A hundred-fold of wives here and
wives everlasting hereafter."
PRONUNCIATION OF BIBLE NAMES.—The clerk of a
retired parish, in north-west Devon, who had to read the
first lesson, always used to make a hash of Shadrac, Me-
shac, and Abednego; and as the names are twelve times
repeated in the third chapter of Daniel, after getting
through them the first time, he called them " the afore-
said gentlemen" afterwards.—Notes and Queries.
A POSITIVE CIIRE.—The following "cure for the gout"
is taken from an old work : Ist. The person must pick a
handkerchief from the pocket of a maid of fifty years, who
has never had a wish to change her condition. 2nd. He
must wash it in an honest miller's pond. 3rd. He must
dry it on a parson's hedge who was never covetous. 4th.
He must send it to a doctor's shop who never killed a
patient. 6th. He must mark it with a lawyer's ink, who
never cheated a client. 6th. Apply it to the part affected,
and a cure will speedily follow.
SELF DESCRIPTION.—A mayor in one of the communes
of France, lately made the following entry upon the regis-
ter :—" I, mayor of —, found yesterday in the forest of
—, a man by the name of Rollin, committing an act
against the laws. I commanded him to surrender, where-
upon he set. upon me, heaped me with insult .and con-
, tamely, calling me a raggamuffin, an ass, and a precious
dolt and a scarecrow—all of which I certify tohertrue."
NOTHING BUT A CUSTOM.—WhiIe the Louvre ,was
being stripped of borrowed plumes, Wellington fell into
great disfavour, and was coldly received by some French
Marshals, on an occasion when he passed through-their.
Salle in the Tuileries on a visit to Louis XVIII. 'When
the king subsequently expressed his surprise and vexation
on hearing that they had " turned their banks". on him,
"it is of no consequence, sire, was the reply, .".itis-,their
way."

YOUTH writes hopes upon the sand, and age advances,
like the sea, and washes them out.
. "GREAT HELPS" (Telegraphs) and" Sly ware" (Lawyers)
are two of the best anagrams ever discovered.
• "FATHER, is a parrot that talks a dumb animal?"
"My dear, children should not talk when they are eating."
IRISH DESCRIPTION.--A Dublin paper, reporting the
Louth election, adds :—" All quiet, except there was a good
deal of noise."

DONALD MACKAY, the great shipbuilder, of Boston, is
45 years of age, and a Scotchman by birth. He rose from
the humble station of a day labourer to his present posi-
tion, by sheer industry and energy.
TALKING of Sir David Baird, his roughness, &c., his
mother said, when she heard of his being taken prisoner
at Seringapatam, and of the prisoners being chainee toge-
ther, two and two, " God help the man that's tied to my
Davie !"—Moore's Diary.
How TO GET OVER A DIPPICULTY.—A short time ago,
in the fair city of Perth, an Irish female, on visiting one
of her friends, was pressed to take a " drap o' barley
bree." She hesitated for a little ; but, screwing her
courage to the sticking point, and taking a last fond look
of the glass containing the liquid fire, prefaced the draught
as follows :—" Ah, ye ould villain ! ye killed every ane o'
my ancestors, and therefore I'll no lave a drap in ye."

A SPECULATIOIC—I once met an American at Lady
Blessington's, a very entertaining fellow. You will know
who I mean when I call him the Chevalier Wyckoff. He
made a fund of amusement. He talked loudly of specula-
tion. America, he said, was the only country for specu-
lation ; the English could not speculate at all. Count
d'Orsay proposed to join him in any speculation he might
choose. " Well, then," replied Wyckoff, " I'll take you
to New York and exhibit you. Tickets would be sold at
auction. The rush to see you would be tremendous.
We should instantly make a fortune."—Bourcicaules
Lectures in New York.

JOHN CLERK or ELDIN.—One evening Clerk had been
dipping rather too deeply in the convivial bowl with a
friend in Queen-street, and on emerging into the open air
his intellects became in a considerable degree confused,
and not being able to distinguish objects with any degree
of minuteness or certainty, he thought himself in a fair
way of losing the road to his own house in Picardy-place.
In this perplexity he espied some one coming towards
him, whom he stopped with this query—" D'ye ken whaur
John Clerk bides ?" What's the use o' you speerin' that
question ?" said the man, "you're John Clerk himser."
I ken that," answered John, " but it's no himsel that's
wanted, it's his house."

ENCOUNTER OF WITS.—A dinner was given by one of
Governor Morris's friends, when he was about departing
from the United States for Europe. Bishop Moore and
his wife were of the party. Among other things that
passed in conversation, Mr. Morris observed that he had
made his will in prospect of going abroad ; and, turning
to Bishop Moore, said to him, " My reverend friend, I
have bequeathed to you my whole stock of impudence."
Bishop Moore replied, " Sir, you are not only very kind,
but very generous ; you have left me by far the largest
portion of your estate." Mrs. Moore, (the wittiest of the
three,) added, "My dear, you have come into the posses-
sion of your inheritence remarkably soon."
DIDN'T MEAN IT.—A recent anecdote reminds us of a
story we have read somewhere of Monk Lewis, the author,
who was remarkable for extreme sensibility, so much so,
that he was very easily affected to tears. One day he had
been to pay a visit to some duchess or other, and he came
out of the house, his eyes filled with tears. A friend
passing, stopped him, and inquired the cause of his emo-
tion. " Oh," replied Lewis, in a whining, trembling
voice, "the duchess has said so many kind things to me."
" Never mind, my dear fellow," responded the friend, in
a soothing tone, and patting the sensitive man on the
shoulder, " never mind ; bear up under it. She didn't
mean it !" -

GRAY ON THE LAIIRRATESIIIP.—Though I very well
know the bland emollient saponaceous qualities both of
sack and silver, yet if any great man would say to me, " I
make you ratcatcher to his Majesty, with a salary of £3OO
a year and two butts of the best Malaga ; and though it
has been usual to catch a mouse or two, for form's sake, in
public once a year, yet to you, sir, we shall not stand upon
these things," I cannot say I should jump at it ; nay, if
they would drop the very name of that office, and call me
sinecure to the King's Majesty, I should still feel a little
awkward, and think everybody I saw smelt a rat about
me ; but I do not pretend to blame any one else that has
not the same sensations ; for my part, I would rather be
sergeant trumpeter or pinmaker to the palace. Neverthe-
less I interest myself a little in the history of it, and rather
wish somebody may accept it that will retrieve the credit
of the thing, if it be retrievable, or ever had any credit.
Rowe was, I think, the last man of character that had it.
As to Settle, whom you mention, he belonged to my lord
mayor, not to the king. Eusden was a person of great
hopes in his youth, though he turned out at last a drunken
parson. Dryden was as disgraceful to the office, from his
character, as the poorest scribbler could have been from
his verses. The office itself has always humbled the pro-
fessor hitherto (even in an age when kings were somebody),
if he were a poor writer, by making him more conspicuous,
mid if he were a good one, by setting him at war with the
little fry of his own profession, for there are poets little
enough to envy even a poet laureate.—Correspondence of
Thomas Gray and William Mason.

A STROLL IN HAMBURG.—A stroll in Hamburg has a
confusing effect upon a stranger. The inhabitants are not
of the city ; they are of all nations, congregated here by
the temporary calls of commerce. The only chief element,
it appeared to me, was the Jewish. The mixture of races
on the Exchange was something curious to contemplate;
but here, also, as I suppose on all the exchanges of the
world, the Jewish element predominated. The Hamburgers,
I should say, are a serious race of people ; phlegmatic,
perhaps ascetic. Intensely proud of their city, they think
all beyond subservient to its grandeur. Yet they have
their sufficient amusements. First, there are their luxurious
supper-cellars, where the choicest delicacies are nightly
served to those gentlemen whose gambling on 'Change
affords the bill : where oysters are consumed in vast quan-
tities, and champagne flows incessantly. Then there are
their cafe's chantants, where ladies in hat and feathers
play the fiddle and guitar, and collect marks from the
customers. There is also a casino, at the entrance to which
a guard, in a splendid cocked bat and scarlet suit, decked
out with gold lace, makes the visitor a profound obeisance.
These and other audacious amusements are patronised by
the Hamburgers. But the prevailing idea is money-
making ;to this all else plays a second part. I went to
the Exchange on a Sunday, and found groups of hard-
featured men sternly studying the news in the reading-
rooms, or sauntering nervously about the basement of
their temple. Hereabouts I met a burgomaster in his
strange, gloomy dress ; to me he looked like 0. Smith in a
translation, playing the villain who has come to his wealth
by foul means, and who means to have his fling through
three long acts before he disgorges.—A Brage-beaker
with the Swedes.

SOBRIETY OF PARISIAN WORKMEN.—The comparative
sobriety of the Parisians arises, no doubt, from a variety
of causes. In the first place, the French belong chiefly
to the Celtic race, which by nature is less disposed to in-
dulge in the pleasures of eating and drinking than the
Teutonic race. Secondly, it may be that the French
operatives do not in general work so long or so hard as
ours, and thus have less need of, as they have less desire
for, the exhilaration which spirituous liquors are the ready
means of producing. Thirdly, the climate being warmer
and more constant than ours, they probably work in
better-ventilated workshops, and more frequently in the
open air, than our artizans do ; thus keeping their blood
in a better state for carrying on the functions of the body,
and for sustaining cheerfulness by a more healthy stimulus
to the brain than ill-oxygenated blood can supply. The
climate, moreover, being less irritating to the nervous
system than ours, the Frenchman is less subject to those
uneasy feelings which depend on meteorological causes,
and which tempt to indulgence in stimulants for relief.
Fourthly, the French are naturally a more lively, cheerful,
and talkative people than we, and hence more capable of
enjoying each other's company without the aid of stimu-
lants. * * * Lastly, the means of recreation are far
more accessible to the French than to us, whose need is
so much greater ; and until we supply this want like
rational beings, drunkenness, I fear, will continue to
prevail, even althouh every public-house in the kingdom
be closed. Sabbata cousa, tollitur effectus ; this is the
principle which must guide us, if our efforts for sobriety
are to succeed. As long as a craving 'for ardent spirits
exists, ardent spirits will be manufactured and consumed.
Let us then avail ourselves of all the means which science
puts within our reach for diminishing the desire of an
' excess of intoxicating liquors. To act otherwise is to put
a plaster on the sore, instead of trying to remove the
deep-seated causes of which it is a symptom.—Sabbath
Laws and Sabbath Duties, by Robert Cox.
THE TULIP MaiciA.—Examples of the fatal effects of
an inordinate love of speculation are unfortunately too
numerous. The earliest recorded instance of this hurtful
speculative spirit occurred in Holland in 1634, and is
known under the name of the tulip mania. In that year
the principal cities of the Netherlands were seized with a
desire to possess certain descriptions of tulips ; and this
engaged them in a traffic which encouraged gambling to
a ruinous extent. The avarice of the rich was inflamed
by the prospect of boundless wealth, and the poor imagined
their troubles at an end, and fortunes within their grasp.
The value of a flower rose to more than its weight in gold.
And this period, like all others of a similar character,
ended in enriching a few by the impoverishment of the
many. Tulips were not more highly prized nor sought
after more eagerly in 1634 than railway scrip in 1845. A
similar principle, or rather the want of all principle, was
as noticeable in the one case as in the other. Contracts
were entered into for the delivery of certain roots, which
were never seen by broker, by buyer, or by seller. At
first all appeared to flow smoothly. Congratulations and
revellings were general. Bargains were confirmed at
costly banquets ; and a man one day pinched by poverty;
astonished his neighbours the next by a display of bound-
less magnificence.. The desire to trade in flowers took
hold of all ranks ; and the drowsy Hollander, with little
of the romantic in his character, believed that a veritable
golden age was approaching. This feeling was not con-
fined to one class or profession of the people, it spread to
all. To obtain cash, property of every description was
sold at ruinous prices. When, too, it became known that
London and Paris were seized with this tulipomania, it
was thought that the wealth and commerce of both hemis-
pheres would centre in Holland, and that want and
wretchedness would become a tale of the past. Perhaps
there are no greater instances of human folly on record
than the prices given for these bulbs. Goods to the value
of two thousand five hundred florins were given for one
root. Another kind usually sold for two thousand florins ;
and a third was valued at a new carriage, two gray horses,
and a complete harness ; and twelve acres of land were
' given for a fourth. But this unnatural state of things
could not last. The panic came, confidence was destroyed,
agreements, no matter how solemnly entered into, were
broken, and every city in the Netherlands had its bank-
rupts. The gay visions of wealth which had dazzled
thousands dissolved, and left not a rack behind. The
possessors of a few tulips, which a few days before were
valued at many thousands of pounds, were astounded
when the truth appeared that they were worth absolutely
nothing. The law would not regard the contracts entered
into as legitimate trade, but looked at them as gambling
transactions. Actions for breach of contract were, there-
fore, void. So extensive was the evil, that it occupied the
-attention of the Deliberative Council of the Hague, who
'were, however, quite unable to find a remedy. Its effects
wero seen for many years in a depressed commerce abroad
and 6. wide-spread distress at home.—Business : As It Is,
,anctile It Might 13e.