The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1853-07-12 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

A BROAD HINT.—' Sally, what time does your folks
dine?' Soon as you go away'—that's missus' orders.
A LANCASHIRE THREAT.-Always threatening to
rain.—Punch.

THE TIDE IN THE AFFAIRS OF MEN.—A man at-
tempted to seize a favourable opportunity a few days since,
but his hold slipped, and he fell to the ground, con-
siderably injuring himself.
A QUAKER LADY, after listening to the extravagant
yarn of a storekeeper as long as her patience would allow,
said to him, " Friend H—, what a pity it is that it is a
sin to lie, when it is so necessary in thy business."
" I DON'T BELIEVE it is any use to vaccinate for small-
pox," said a backwoods Kentuckian, " for I had a child
vaccinated and he fell out of a window and was killed in
less tha❑ a week after."
ASTRONOMICAL PUN.—When Sir William Hamilton
announcedto the Royal Irish Academy his discovery of the
central sun—the star round which our orb of day and his
planetary attendants revolve—a waggish member exclaimed
What ! our sun's sun ! why that must be a grand sun I"
RECENT NUPTIALS.—Mr. Samuel Cox to Miss A.
Chinne

Some praise the lips, the eyes, the nose,
And some the soul within ;
But Mr. Cox more wisely chose
The beauty of A. Chinne.

PRINTERS versus BREWERS.—The question " why
printers did not succeed as well as brewers ?" was thus
answered :—" Because printers work for the head, and
brewers for the stomach, and where twenty men have
stomachs, but one has brains."
THE following emphatic declaration of the celebrated
Irish orator, Boyle Roche, has a true national flavour :
" If the question is put to me, Mr. Speaker, I'll answer
boldly in the affirmative—so." Another Irish member
said, on one occasion, with similar felicity—" Sir, if I
have any partiality for the honourable gentleman, it is a
partiality against him."
WHAT Do You THINK.—A young buck of the soap-
lock order, who wore an unshaven face, because, as he
said, it " looked foreign," lately accosted a Yankee as
follows I say, fellow, some individuals think I am a
Frenchman, and some take me for an Etalyean—now,
what do you think lam ?" " I think you are a darned
fool."' replied Jonathan.
A POSTHUMOUS EPISTLE.—An Irishman, on arriving
in America, took a fancy to the Yankee girls, and wrote
to his wife : " Dear Norah—these melancholy lines are to
inform you that I (lied yesterday, and hope that you are
enjoying the same blessing. I recommend you to marry
Jemmy O'Rourke, and take good care of the children.
From your affectionate husband till death."
THE SLOW MARCH OF THE TEAM.—The stranger in
Devonshire will not fail to notice the peculiar intonations
employed in driving a team there. It is not the words
used to encourage the animals (though they are in a great
measure peculiar to the county) that will arrest attention,
but the tone or tune in which they are delivered, re-
sembling with great exactness, says an observer, the
chantings or recitative of the cathedral service. " The
plough-boy chaunts the counter-tenor with unabated
ardour through the day, the plough-man throwing in, at
rntevals, his hoarser notes. It is understood that this
marching chant (which may sometimes be heard at a con-
siderable distance) encourages and animates the team, like
the music of a marching army, or the song of the rowers."
—Cocks's Musical Miscellany.
SAM SLICK'S " CAUCUS MEETlN'."—Thinks I to
myself : Sam, you'd better be a-movin' too. You're
gettin' over head and ears in love as fast as you can. and
are as soft as if you never seed a gall afore. So sais I :
" Sophy, sposin' Mary and you and I take a walk down
to the beach, and I will send a note on board to the
captin." And I took out a pencil, and wrote to him an
invite. Well, as soon as she went to get ready, I called
a council of war, and held a regular caucus meetin' be-
tween my head and my heart. So I puts my elbows on
the table, and claps my face in my hands, and opened the
session. " Sam," sais I, " what do you think of this
gall ?" " She's handsome enough to eat." " Will she do
for transplantin to Slickville ?" " The identical thing."
" What do you intend to do ?" " Well, that's exactly
what I want to know." " Will she take you?" "It's
more than I can tell." "You aint a Blue-nose." " I
am glad of it." " You're a clockmaker." " I aint
ashamed of it ; and if she is, she's a fool." " You aint
"That's a fact." " Not much looks to brag That's true." " And talk Yankee into the
bargin."
‘, " I can't help it." " Well, you've wrote
books." Let her take the books then, and leave me."
"But aint she the finest (rail you ever did lay eyes on?"
1,,
And
modest, and
" And the sweetest ?" " Lick
the double of that mul
man.ti-
"
nd at her like
all that ?" " Yes all that, an
,
plied by ten." " UP, then, a ;
" What, give up all my prudence .
Offer on half-a-day's
acquaintance, and have all the rest of my life to find out
her faults. Women aint bosses, and they want to be put
,
ant li keWhS aat
m
thro' their paces, and have their wind tried. If I'm took
in, it will be myself that did it ; and that al
Slick, is it ? " Well, it aint, that's a fact.'
cussed thing love is ! It puts you in a twitteration all
over just when you ought to be cool, and turns a wise
man into a born fool. Sleep on it. You've just bit it,
sais I. Now you talk sense ; you are gettin' to be your-
self agba.
"—San: Slick's Wise Saws and Modern In-
stances.