The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1853-09-27 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

WOULD TRIENNIAL PARLIAMENTS benefit the people
by keeping them on " short Commons ?"
A SURGEON writes from the gold fields of Australia
to say that he has now quite discarded the lancet, and
opens the vein with a pickaxe.
THE ARAB PROVERB says—" The habitation of danger
is on the borders of security ; and a man never runs
greater hazard than when he least fears them."
SIGNIFICANT REPLY.—" What is the best attitude for
self-defence ?" said a pupil to a well-known pugilist.
" Keep a civil tongue in your head," was the significant
reply.
" I SAY, JIM," said a ploughboy the other day, to his
companion, I know of a new-fashioned macintosh to keep
out the wet." " What's that ?" " Why, if you eat a red
herring for breakfast, you'll be dry all day."
A LUCKY PrECHASE.—A day or two ago, in Boston, a
gentleman purchased an antique piece of furniture, and
on getting home found £250 snugly stowed away in a
secret drawer.

TIrE ENGLlSH.—Whatever they are, they are always
"complete" men. Sometimes they are "complete" fools,
I grant you, but even their folly is a folly of some sub-
stance and weight.—Goethe.
Mew's HAPPIEST DAYS.—The happiest period of a
man's life is when he has a pretty little wife, one beauti-
ful child, more ready cash than he well knows what to do
with, a good conscience, and is not even in debt for his
newspaper.
RIVAL REAPING MICIIINES.—We hear a great deal
about the merits of some rival reaping machines, but we
know nothing that can equal in the force of rivalry those
wonderful reaping machines—a barrister's tongue and a
physician's finger and thumb ; which are the means used
by both in reaping their tremendous harvests.
A YANKEE IN LOVE.—Oh dear, what nonsense people
talk about love, don't they ? Sleepless nights—broken
dreams—beatin' hearts—pale faces—a pinin' away to
shaders—fits of absence—loss of appetite—narvous flut-
tering, and all that. I haven't got the symptoms, but I'll
swear to the disease. Folks take this talk, I guess, from
poets ; and they are miserable mooney sort of critters, half
mad and whole lazy, who would rather take a day's dream
than a day's work any time, and catch rhymes as niggers
catchtlies to pass time—hearts and darts, cupid and stupid,
purlin' streams and purlin' dreams, and so on. It's all
bunkum ! Spooney looks and spooney words may do for
schoolboys and seminary gals ; but for a man like me, and
an angeliferous critter like Sophy, love must be like elec-
tricity—eye for eye, and heart for heart, telegraphed back-
wards and forwards like 'iled lightnin'.—Sam Slick.
. .

A Rua, IN THE ARIERICANBACKWOODS.—In winter
the squatters have leisure, and wish to dance. A ball is
to be got up ; nor is amusement the sole thing considered.
The squire who projects to give gratification, hopes at the
same time to fill his pocket, and opens negotiations with
some neighbour, by saying : " I reckon we should fix a
ball for the whole neighbourhood." The day is appointed ;
the entrance-fee for a gentleman is one dollar, and he has
the right to introduce a lady. The preparations now
begin. All the neighbours who had not attended the
meeting are visited, and invited to the ball ; they are
expected to lend knives, forks, spoons, cups, tumblers, to
the common feast. The log-house, where the great event
is to take place, is scrubbed; the floor is smoothed with
the axe, wood is piled up in the yard. If the squire cannot
provide sufficient venison, sugar, and tea, his neighbours
must do it, and deduct the price from the entrance fee.
On the eve of the great day several of the neighbouring
ladies are enrolled for the kitchen : wheaten and Indian
corn bread is baked; squash (pumpkin) and mince pies are
prepared ; fowls are boiled, pork and venison roasted, and
the jugs are filled with whiskey. Already, at ten o'clock
in the morning, the gentlemen begin to arrive ; they are
inclined to enjoy as much as possible, and take out every
farthing of their money. After the whiskey-jug has been
handed round, one of them takes up the fiddle, and the
others practise a little of the orthodox steps of the dances
handed down from father to son : a long row of carts
approaches, crowded with ladies, who sit on chairs placed
in the carts. The procession is headed by the spokesman
of the company, appointed to his office by the squire.
The gentlemen arrive on horseback ; bullock-carts are in
the rear, intermixed with strange riders—man, wife, and
children on one and the same horse. " How do you do ?"
and " Where the deuce have you been staying so long ?"
is asked on every side. The ladies, wrapped in their red,
blue, or white blankets, enter the house and throng round
the chimney, and restore themselves from the chill by a
hot beverage composed of warm whiskey and honey, whilst
the gentlemen remain in the yard around the big fire,
smoking, chewing, and freezing. When the ladies have
put their dresses right, and arranged all their many-
coloured ribbons and fineries, bought by the pioneers in
the markets of lowa and Indiana, the squire presents him-
self at the door and shouts out, " Ladies, dinner is ready ;
boys, take your partners." The gentlemen press in, and
proceed, each with his fair partner, to the other room,
where the tables are laid ; but as there is never sufficient
space, the gentlemen have again to retreat, and a guard
watches the door that the ladies may take their dinner
quietly. After them it is the turn of the gentlemen ; and
when they have done the spokesman begins to collect the
charge for the entertainment, and the extra for the fiddle.
He exerts all his eloquence to arouse the generosity of his
guests, and to get more than the fee agreed for. He speaks
about the unparalleled trouble and expense of the under-
taker,ind how splendid has been the dinner ; he addresses
the wealthier settlers by name, and says, " Fellow, you cau
pay double." But the backwoodsmen are tough ; they
protest that they cannot afford more than the others, and
they find fault with the others. At last the money is
collected, the fiddling begins ; the great coat and the
muskrat cap are thrown aside, and in their ball costumes
of antiquated cut—but all with very dashing shirt collars
—they present themselves again to the ladies. It is a
strange exhibition of all the different fashions of all the
last twenty years; a tailor of long standing would at once
find out in what year those gentlemen have left the civili-
zation of cities for the back woods. The room is small,
therefore only eight pairs are allowed to dance at once ;
they jump, they stamp, and jerk, until they are out of
breath ; the gentlemen chew, but whilst they dance, they
do not spit. But at once the fiddler puts down the bow,
and declares that he will not play any longer without
additional pay ; he is tired, he cannot do more. The
spokesman, who has to keep up order, stands forth and
appeals to the generosity of the company, and endeavours
on the other side to lower the pretensions of the musician
until a new bargain is concluded. The whiskey is again
tasted ; at midnight supper is served, though the squire
protests that he is out of provisions ; the dance continues
till morning, and after breakfast the party returns as it
came.—Pulszky's Sketches of Society in the United
States.

" MI," whisperingly inquired a fair-haired little cherub,
"ma, what naughty thing did that thousand pounds do
to make pa say he would put it in the stocks ?"
"Do -1-017 CHOOSE NEWPORT this season?" asked a poor
woman of old Smith. "No, ma'am, I most decidedly
prefer old port." The lady smiled, and so did Smith soon
after.

A Rom, OF PAPYRUS, purchased from the sepulchral
diggings about Luxor, turns out to contain some plead-
ings at the Greek bar. They are three centuries older
than the Christian era, and are said to be older than any
known MSS.

Cimous LAw.—There was kept in former times in our
city of Marseilles, a poison prepared from hemlock, at the
public charge, for those who had a mind to hasten their
end, they having first, before the senate, given an account
of the reason and motives of their design. It was not
otherwise lawful for the citizens to do violence to them-
selves.—Montaigne,
LANDLADY : Mr. Rapid, without you immediately settle
your rent, I shall be compelled to —. Mr. Rapid : Mrs.
Wiggins, if you pester me, with so little reference to my
personal comfort, I'll bring an action against you for as-
sault ; I'll issue a commissio de lunatico inquirendo,
upon which I'll certify for a scire facias, or nolle pro-
sequi ; and I'll send you into a prima facia certiorari,
and sign a judgment of quis clavis ambulator, and make
you pay your own costs !—Landlady : " Oh ! oh dear, sir,
if that's the case, I—l—l'll gladly w—w—wait 1"
WHAT'S IN A NAME I'—" A goose, too, so far from being
a foolish bird is a very wise one. A flock of geese saved
Rome onct." " I shouldn't wonder," said Master Van,
"for a flock of wild ones saved La Haive Island onct. They
got overloaded with sleet and wet snow, and lighted on the
clearin' one spring, and was caught there, and actilly
'saved the folks from starvation."—" Well," sais I, " out of
gratitude to these birds, the Italians erected a college for
'em at Rome, and called it the ' Proper Gander' College."
—Sam Slick's Wise Saws.

THE Morning Post revives a good story apropos to
English reserve. An Englishman and a German were
travelling together in a diligence, and both smoking. The
German did all in his power to draw his companion into
conversation, but to no purpose ; at one moment he would,
with a superabundance of politeness, apologize for drawing
his attention to the fact that the ash of his cigar had fallen
on his waistcoat, or a spark was endangering his necker-
chief. At length the Englishman exclaimed, " why the
deuce can't you leave me alone ? Your coat-tail has been
burning for the last ten minutes, but I didn't bother you
about it."
A COURTSHIP 'lc Puxs.—A certain Mr. Parr being
smitten with the charms of a certain Miss Ann Marr, a
provincial belle, whom he met at Harrowgate,", was ex-
ceedingly perplexed to contrive how he should open his
heart to her. At length he met her, and it was for the
last season, at a public breakfast. It happened that oppo-
site to the gentleman there was a plate of Parmesan
cheese, and near the lady stood a crystal dish of marma-
lade. " Will you do me the honour to accept a little Par,
Miss Ann ?" said the lover, with a look full of meaning,
and moving his hand towards the cheese—" Tell me first,"
replied the damsel with admirable readiness, lifting, at
the same time, the top of the crystal, "whether or not
you are fond of Mar, my lad ?"—" Above all things in
existence !" exclaimed the enraptured youth. They were
married within a month.
SEA BATHING.—The bath must be taken in the fore-
noon, by which we mean an hour or two before noon, the
plunge must be sudden and completed at once, repeated not
oftener than three or four times, and in rapid succession.
The whOle should be the affair of only a few minutes, for no
prolonged bathing is of any use. To those constitutionally
affected with glandular ailments, a mouthful or two of sea
water will prove highly beneficial, but it must not be taken
in draughts, like mineral waters, generally, until its effects
on the individual's constitution be ascertained. Medicine
is a conjectural art based on experience; it cannot be fore-
told, a priori, as logicians say, to whom this great mineral
water, sea-water, is to prove beneficial. Remember that
sea-water is not merely salt water, or salt and water ; no
chemist in the world can make you up a mixture having
the chemical elements of sea-water as compounded by
nature. The all-powerful elements of iodine and brine,
exist in the ocean in small, indeed almost in homoeopathic
quantities; nevertheless present in sensible proportions,
and materially and specifically, no doubt, influencing the
qualities of the fluid. Despise it not because it is common,
abundant, and of no price.—Dr. Knox ; in Illustrated
London Magazine.

MARY SiTTART'S ATTENTION TO HER SUBJECTS'
TASTES.—She gave receptions to the ladies in those most
remote districts, who were unable to undertake a journey to
Edinburgh to pay their homage to her in Holyrood ; and
she proclaimed a music meeting, offering her own favourite
harp as the prize of the best performer. The fair Beatrice
Gardyn of Banchory, in Aberdeenshire, was adjudged by
her Majesty to have surpassed all the courtly competitors,
and even her own musicians, in skill and taste, as well as
in the sweetness of her voice. Neither Michelet, Mary's
newly-imported French musician, nor even her old-estab-
lished favourite, David Riccio, were excepted. The poet-
queen acknowledged the superiority of the native melodies
of Scotland to the most elaborate harmonies which foreign
science could preduce ; and when she felt the soul-thrilling
power of a Scottish ballad, from the lips of a sweet-voiced
Scottish lassie, the generous Sovereign hailed her young sub-
ject as the Queen of Song, and accorded the harp to her,
with this compliment, " You alone are worthy to possess the
instrument you touch so well." Queen Mary's harp is
still preserved by the descendants of Beatrice Gardyn at
Lude. It was originally graced with a portrait of the
royal donor, and the arms of Scotland in solid gold,
enriched with several gems, two of which were considered
of great value ; but these were stolen during the civil
wars.—Miss Strickland's Queens of Scotland.
MARY AT HER MARRIAGE WITH DARNLEY.—The
secret of Queen Mary's love had been betrayed by her
solicitude for her English cousin during his first indis-
position ; but it was not till the second, when she was
united to him by the holy ties which sanctioned such
demonstrations, that she took upon herself the tender
office of his nurse, that she kept her wakeful vigils by his
restless pillow, and, as she had been accustomed during
the sickness of her late lord, King Francis, administered
medicine and nourishment with her own hand to the
consort whom, with the sincerity of true affection, she
had preferred to all the kings and princes who had
sought her hand during her four years of widowhood.
Those years had been checkered with many cares and
some griefs ; but she had won the esteem and love of her
people ; her gentle sway and refining influence had been
blessed to Scotland. She had loosed the bonds of the
prisoners, and considered the low estate of the poor, in
providing officers to distribute her alms to the needy, and
advocates to plead the cause of those who had wrong.
She had established peace in her borders, and commercial
relations with all the nations in the world. Years of
domestic happiness and wedded love appeared now to be
in store for her. A flattering dream of thepe joys, indeed,
mocked her; but brief was the glimpse of sunshine that
WAS to be hers, before the gathering of the storm—clouds
chased the bright dance of her golden hours, and finally
rolled a pall of terrific darkness over the meridian of her
days.—Miss Strickland's Queens of Scotland.
HOME AND FOREIGN BEAUTY.—As to a good-looking
peasantry, Bob, it's all humbug. It's only the well-to-do
classes, in any country, have pretensions to beauty. The
woman of rank numbers amongst her charms the unmis-
takeable stamp of her condition. Even in her gait, like
the goddess in Virgil, she displays her divinity. The
pretty "bourgeoise" has her peculiar fascination in the
brilliant intelligence of her laughing eye, and the sly
archness of her witty mouth; but your peasant beauty is
essentially heavy and dull. It is of the earth—earthy ;
and there is a bucolic grossness about the lips the very
antithesis to the pleasing. I'm led to these remarks by
the question in your last as to the character of continental
physiognomy. Up to this, Bob, I have seen nothing to
meet more
compare with our own people, and you wiGthreee n rseadrmthenoßot Rotunda
dll
tphanrett
to deny that they " make up" better abroad, but our boast
ybeftacwe:enbetw
schaeeffhan Sutesepnhenan'sd
is the raw material of beauty. The manufactured article
we cannot dispute with them. It would be, however a
great error to suppose that the artistic excellence I speak
of is a small consideration ; on the contrary, it is a most
important one, and well deserving of deep thought and
reflection, and, I must say, that all our failures in the
decorative arts are as nothing to our blunders when
attempting to adorn beauty. A French woman, with a
skin like an old drumhead, and the lower jaw of a baboon,
will actually " get herself up" to look better than many a
really pretty girl of our country, disfigured by unbecoming
hairdressing, ill-assorted colours, ill put on clothes, and
that confounded walk, which is a cross between the stride
of a grenadier and running in a sack !—Dodd Family
Abroad.
AN INCIDENT AT SEA.."--" Gentlemen," interrupted the
lieutenant of the Galatea, " the captain requests your pre-
sence to assist at the baptism of his little son."—The child
was fifteen days old, and the happy father wished to con-
secrate our passage across the line. The mother was al-
ready strong enough to carry her infant; she held him
naked in her rounded arms, as if she had wished to offer
him to the double majesty of the sky and the ocean. Be-
hind her followed the chaplain of the vessel, book in hand.
The boatswain let down a silver bucket from the poop, to
draw up the sea-water, which the priest was about to
bless for his holy purpose. A flag was hoisted, the cannon
thundered a salutation, and everyone took off his hat.
Just then the boatswain drew from the bucket of sea-water
a plain glass bottle. There was nothing surprising in
such an incident. It is a usual thing with the sailors to
commit these bottles to the waves, conveying information
of some unknown danger which they have discovered on
their route, or a prayer to the charitable, that they will
make known to their friends the disaster which has over-
taken the unfortunate writers. Still, at sea the slightest
occurrence creates an interest, and it was certainly sin-
gular that the bottle should have got into the bucket. I
am afraid our curiosity made us somewhat inattentive to
the ceremony that followed, during which the bottle was
laid aside. Scarcely was the service concluded, before we
presented the object of our conjectures to the captain, who
begged me to unseal it. I rapidly cut away the pack-
thread, canvas and tar which secured the cork ; then
drawing the latter, and reversing the bottle, a small roll
of paper fell into my hand. The captain and his lady,
and all the officers, surrounded me closely. The crew,
eager to know the result, had climbed into the rattlings
of the mizen-mast. Even the helmsman's attention was
distracted, and he listened like the rest. The contents of
the paper, written in a fine, though tremulous hand, were
as follows :—" I, Margaret Floreff, perish on the open sea.
I supplicate the person, who by Divine permission picks
up this bottle, and reads! the note therein enclosed, to
cause prayers to be said for the repose of my soul. I was
born, and I die, in the true faith. Farewell ! my mother
—farewell ! farewell !"—" Poor creature !" said the cap-
tain's wife, wiping away a tear. The crew testified little
interest in the event. Sailors are too often exposed to
peril to think much of a death more or less. My young
companions were somewhat moved ; but nearly all had
left their hearts in India except myself. " You," said
Buxton, striking me on the shoulder, as soon as he and I
were left alone together, "you who are a fool of the worst
species—a. melancholy one, must go into mourning for
this Margaret Floreff, and see after those prayers being
said for her."—" Into mourning !—no. But on my arrival
at Batavia —"—" You never will !"—" Well, wait and
see."—" Listen," said Buxton in his coolest voice; "just
hearken to reason. Here is a woman who has been food
for fishes these eighty or a hundred years ; what folly to
trouble yourself about her ! Fling the bottle into the
water, and give me the paper to light my pipe."--I rescued
the bottle and its contents from his sacrilegious hands.
He shook his head, and went away muttering a scornful
epithet"—Dublin University Magazine.