The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1854-03-28 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

IT WAS observed of a celebrated physician that he never
said in company, ' I drink your health, but My service
to you.'
CONSTITUTIONALLY TIRED' is now the polite way of
expressing the fact that a man is naturally lazy. We live
in wonderfully refined times.
TASTE.—At a magnificent fancy ball, recently given at
Florence, by Prince Demidoff, an American lady appeared
in the complete costume of an Indian squaw.
YOUNG LADIES now-a-days, when they are preparing for
a walk, ought not to keep their lovers waiting as long as
they used to do, for now they have only to put their bon-
nets half on.
LITTLE PEOPLE.—The littler folks be, the bigger they
talk. You never seed a small man that didn't wear high-
heeled boots and a high-crowned hat, and that warn't
ready to fight most any one, to show that he was a man
every inch of him.—Sam Slick.
SAVE vs PROM OUR FitrENDs.—ln his reply to the
Peace Deputation the Emperor of Russia declared his
sentiments to be in a perfect conformity with those of the
Society of Friends. We cannot doubt the sincerity of this
assertion, for when the Czar sees all Europe in arms
against him it is natural that he should become a Quaker.
—Punch.
A CANDID WITNESS.—In the examination of an Irish
case before the Court of Magistrates, in Providence, for
assault and battery, counsel, on cross-examining one of
the witnesses, asked him what they had at the first place
they stopped ? He answered, " Four glasses of ale."—
" What next ?"—" Two lasses of wine." " What next ?"
—"One glass of brandy: " What next ?"—" A fight, of
course."
EXTRAORDINARY ADVERTISEMENT. —" No FOL-
LOWERS."—The following appeared in the Weekly Times
in Sydney :—" Wanted, a Female Servant One that is
plain-looking and middle-aged will not be objected to.
One that is ugly will have the preference, provided she
does not take snuff, and, as a matter of course, has no
followers."
A NEW-MARRIED COUPLE went to Niagara on a visit,
and the gentleman, in order to convince his dear that he
was brave as well as gallant, resolved to go down into the
"cave of the winds." She of course objected; but find-
ing that he was determined, affectionately requested him
to leave his pocket-book and watch behind !
MATRIMONIAL WlT.—One of the best double puns we
ever heard, says the Yankee Blade, was perpetrated by a
clergyman. He had just united in marriage a couple
whose Christian names were respectively Benjamin and.
Ann. "How did they appear during the ceremony ?" in-
quired a friend. " They appeared both annie-mated and
Bennie-fitted," was the ready reply.
" QUESTION ! QUESTION !"—Did you ever attend a
mechanics' institution soiree where "knowledge is power"
was not quoted ? Did you ever hear a lady talk three
minutes, and not say "So nice ?" Did you ever know a
woman who wasn't offended if you didn't praise her baby ?
Did you ever hear a street band that didn't play " Love
not ?" Did you ever meet with any baby that wasn't
" the finest child ever seen ?"

31.4.nut.—Jeremy Taylor says, if you are for pleasure,
marry—if you prize rosy health, marry. A good wife is
Heaven's last best gift to man—his angel and minister
of graces innumerable—his gem of many virtues—his
casket of jewels ; her voice is sweet music—her smiles,
his brightest day —her kiss, the guardian of his innocence
'-her arms, the pale of his safety, the balm of his health,
the balsam of his life—her industry, his surest wealth—
her economy, his safest steward her lips, his faithful
counsellors—her bosom, the softest pillow of his cares—
and her prayers, the ablest advocates of Heaven's blessings
on his head.

VAST SIZE OF LONDON ILLUSTRATED.—London ex-
tends over an area of 78,029 acres, or 122 square miles,
and the number of its inhabitants, rapidly increasing, was
two millions three hundred and sixty-two thousands two
hundred and thirty-six on the day of the last census. A
conception of this vast mass of people may be formed by
the fact, that if the metropolis was surrounded by a wall,
having a north gate, a south gate, an east gate, and a west
gate, and each of the four gates was of sufficient width to
allow a column of persons to pass out freely four abreast,
and a pere-mptory necessity required the immediate evacua-
tion of the city, it could not be accomplished under four
and-ttivnty hours, at the expiration of which time, the
head of each of the four columns would have advanced a
no less distance than seventy-five-miles from their re-
spective gates, all the people being in close file four deep.
—Cheshire's results of the Census.
NAPOLEON'S RllLE.—Laffitte said that he had never
been a worshipper of Napoleon's : but he then had oppor-
tunity of convincing himself that the Emperor possessed,
in the highest degree, the art of popularity, "He was
very confidential with me," said Laffitte, "spoke without re-
serve, and once made a striking remark concerning our ,
nation. 'To govern the French,' he said, ' one must have
arms of iron and gloves of velvet.' " My readers may pro-
bably have heard this remark, but not the reply imme-
diately made by Madame Laffitte's right-hand neighbour.
" Yes," he said, " that is very true, but, he often forgot to
put on his gloves." The remark was so apt and true that
all present laughed heartily. I asked my next neighbour
who the witty foreigner was, and learned that it was the
Marquis of Lansdowne.—Blackwoods Magazine.
A FRIENDLY PORTRAIT Os MITCHELL.—" The fourth
number," says the Nation," of Mr. Mitchell's Citizen has
dome to hand. It contains a defence of his pro-slavery
opinion, and an elaborate justification of suicide ! Under
many provocations we have never written a line against
any of the men who once formed the Irish Confederation,
however far some of them have strayed away from its
original principles. But Mr. Mitchell is making silence
impossible. He is systematically justifying the slanders
which painted the Confederates banditti in politics, and
infidels in religion. His first number denounced every
social and political organisation in the country except the
Ribbon Lodge and Ryan Puck. His second justified and
applauded the buying, selling, and scourging of black
slaves. The third insisted on connecting our ancient and
pious struggle for Irish independence with the conspiracy
of a handful of continental deists. The fourth defends and
justifies the crime of self-murder."
No GOOD DEED LOST,—Philosophers tell us that since
the creation of the world not one single particle of matter
has ever been lost. It may have passed into new shapes,
it may have been combined with other elements, it may
have floated away in smoke or vapour, but it is not lost.
It will come back again in the dew-drop or the rain, it
will spring up in the fibre of the plant, or paint itself on
the rose leaf. Through all its transformations, Providence
watches over and directs it still. Even so it is with every
holy thought or heavenly desire, or humble aspiration,. or
generous and self-denying effort. It may escape our ob-
servation, we may be unable to follow it, but it is an
element of the moral world, and it is not lost.
AN AMERICAN EXCLUSIVE.—In one of the most splen-
did of the New York Hotels, lately, a distinguished
Southern gentleman, formerly a member of the cabinet,
preferring not to eat at the table d'hdte, had his meals
served in his own parlour with all the elegance for which
the establishment is noted. Being somewhat annoyed
with the colour of the servant who waited on him, a negro
of a very sooty complexion, he desired him one day, at
dinner, to retire. The negro bowed, and took his stand
directly behind the gentleman's chair. Supposing him
gone, it was with some impatience that a few minutes
after the gentleman saw him step forward to remove the
soup. " Fellow," said he, "leave the room ; I wish to be
alone !" " Excuse me, sar," said Cuffe, drawing himself
up, " but I'm 'sponsible for the silver."
MEN, WOMEN, AND DIAMONDS.—" What is the height
of a woman's ambition ?—Diamonds."—Punch. Saga-
cious Punch ! Do you know the reason ? It is because
the more " diamonds" a woman owns, the more precious
she becomes in the eyes of your discriminating sex. What
pair of male eyes saw a " crow's foot," grey hair, or
wrinkle, in company with a ' genuine diamond." Don't
you go down on your marrow bones, and swear that the
owner is a Venus, a- Hebe, a Juno, a sylph, a fairy, an
angel ? Would you stoop to look " connubially" at the
most bewitching woman on earth whose only diamonds
were "in her eye ?" Well, it is no great marvel, Mr.
Punch. The race of men is about extinct.. Now and then
you will meet with a specimen ; but I am sorry to inform
you that the most of them are nothing but coat tails,
walking behind a moustache, destitute of sufficient energy
to earn their own cigars and " Macassar," prefering to
dangle at the heels of a diamond wife, and meekly receive
their allowance, as her mama's prudence and her own in-
clination may suggest. It is out of my power to express
to, you the veneration I feel for such a dignified donkey.
Mr. Punch. If I owned him, I imagine I should slip my
bridal (bridle).—Panny Fern.
ENGLISH ARTISANS IN AMEEICA.—There are very few
English compared with what I expected to find, or are
generally supposed, to be engaged in the industrial esta-
blishments of the United States. Though the rate of
remuneration is relatively higher than in Europe, the
number of hours constituting a day's work is much
greater, and the period is too long for most of those who
are induced to emigrate, since they usually seek for a less
demand upon energies than they are subject to in England,
as well as a higher rate of payment ; and it is no uncommon
thing for the really skilled and steady artisan, who can
earn a sufficient livelihood at home, to return after a brief
trial in the United States. The sudden variations in the
temperature, too, and the extremes of heat in summer, and
cold in winter, are very trying to the majority of English
workmen; and if,as is too often the mac., they are at all given
to intemperate habits, these are aggravated by the climate,
and disease and death cut them off much more rapidly than.
is, I fear, generally acknowledged. It may not be unin-
teresting, however, to state that some of the best and most
intelligent artisans, as also some of the most successful
manufacturers in the United Sates, are the sons of English-
men, taken early in life to their adopted country, acclimated
by habit, and rendered intelligent by the education received
in public schools ; their ingenuity and industry stimulated
and encouraged by the character of the institutions around
them, they often present remarkable instances of self-eleva-
tion; and yrhile, in an earnest love of their adopted country,
they may be said to be more American than the Americans,
their secondary pride, if I may use the term, is that their
fathers were Englishmen.—Mr. TWallis's Report.
PLEASANT TRAVELLING.—The moisture of the lower
portiona of the Nepalese Himalayas induces a number of
insect troubles from which the drier and more northernly
parts of the range are comparatively free. Here is an ex-
ample of a pleasant excursion. " The weather continued
very hot for the elevation, (4000 to 6000 feet,) the rain
brought no coolness, and for the greater part of the three
marches between Singtam and Chakoong, we were either
wading through deep mud, or climbing over rocks.
Leeches swarmed in incredible profusion in the streams
and damp grass, and among the bushes ; they got into my
hair, hung on my eyelids, and crawled up my legs and
down my back. I repeatedly took upwards of a hundred
from my legs, where the small ones used to collect in
clusters on the instep ; the sores which they produced
were not healed for five months afterwards, and I retain
the scars to the present day. Snuff and tobacco leaves are
the best antidote, but when marching in the rain, it is im-
possible to apply this simple remedy to any advantage.
The best plan I found to be rolling the leaves over the feet,
inside the stockings, and powdering the legs with snuff.
Another pest is a small midge, or sand-fly, which causes
intolerable itching and subsequent irritation, and is in this
respect, the most insufferable torment in Sikkein ; the
minutest rent in one's clothes is detected by the acute
senses of this instatiable blood-sucker, which is itself so
small as to be barely visible without a microscope. We
daily arrive at our campaigning ground streamng with
blood, and mottled with the bites of peepsas, gnats, midges,
tuidmosquitos, besides being infested witlitigke,--Hooker's
Hymalayan Janrnale