The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1853-11-29 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

TIM MAN who " fell into raptures" with a pretty girl,
was got out with considerable difficulty.
MOCK TURTLE.—Calling a husband "my dear" in
public, and "you brute" in private.—Diogenes.
Ix ILLINOIS there is a man named Barrow, who has
changed his politics so often, that he has gained the sou-
briquet of wheel-Barrow.
" MOTHER," said a Spartan boy, going to battle, " my
sword is too short." "Add a step to it," was the reply of
the heroic woman. _ _ _

Or sixty-three "housemaids" who advertised in the
Times lately for situations, no less than forty make it a
condition that "a footman is kept."
MATRIMONY is like rum punch. Man is the rum,
sharp and violent : woman, the sugar, sweet and dissolv-
ing : love, the boiling water, which grows in time quite cold.
A YANKEE has invented a machine for extracting the
lies from quack advertisements. Some of them are never
seen after entering the machine, as only the truth comes
out.

Two MEN were conversing about the M-humour of
their wives. "Ah !" said one, with a sorrowful expres-
sion, " mine is a Tartar !" " Well," replied the other,
" mine is worse than that—mine is the Cream of tartar

A WATERING-PLACE is a harbour of refuge, that we,
poor weak vessels, after having been tossed about for nine
months in the year, are obliged, during the other three, to
put into for repairs.
"WON'T You SING me a song, sir ?" said a lady to her
lover, as they were alone one. evening. The lover soon
commenced the popular air, "I won't go home till morn-
ing," and sure enough he didn't.
NOT FAR OUT.—A cynical old Cockney of our ac-
quaintance says he considers the moustache movement
to be only a new way the young fellows have got into of
giving themselves 'airs.—Punch.
HUSBANDS AND WIVES (Gigantic wife, with a Lilli-
putian husband under her arm,. applies at the police sta-
tion).—Policeman : "Now, mum ! What's the matter ?"
Injured female : "If you please, mister I want to give
my wretch of a 'usband in charge. He's always a knock-
ing of me down and a stampin' on me !"
A GREAT CALF.—Sir William Bond being at a parish
meeting, made some proposals which were objected to by
a farmer. Highly enraged, " Sir," said he to the farmer,
" do you know that I have been at two universities, and
at two colleges at each university ? " Well, Sir," said the
farmer, what of that ? I had a calf that sucked two cows,
and the observation I made was, the more he sucked the
greater calf he grew."
POETS in France get splendid perquisites in the shape
of presents. Beranger receives every week more sugar,
more coffee, more pots of jelly, than would stock a grocer's
shop ; he gets the rarest fruits and the best game ; casks
of wine and cases of brandy arrive at his house daily,
" whilst," says the Paris correspondent of the Literary
Gazette, "more nightcaps and more socks are knitted for
him than a regiment of soldiers could wear out in a year."
AFRICAN IDEA OF TUE USES OF A PORTRAIT.—When
Mr. Bickersteth was at Bassio, having his wife's portrait
with him, he showed it to a chief and his attendants. He
was much amused by their observations on it when they
knew that it represented his wife. " She lives there !"
cried the chief. He can say 'itis my wife,'—she no
trouble him—white man clever —it is as good as if he
have her with him."
HIIXILITY.-Sir Benjamin Brodie says, that "humility
leads to the highest distinction, because it leads to self-
improvement." He adds—and the advice cannot be too
often repeated—" Study your own characters ; endeavour
to learn and supply your own deficiencies ; never assume to
yourselves qualities which you do not possess ; combine all
this with energy and activity, and you cannot predicate of
yourselves, nor can others predicate of you, at what point
you may arrive at last."
A REASON FOR NARROW WALICS.—The environs of
Tours furnish the most agreeable walks. Innumerable
little paths lead in every direction through the fields and
among the knolls and copses. These walks are, however,
very unsociable, for they are only wide enough for one.
But this was explained to me, by a French demoiselle, to
be, " because," said she, " if monsieur, who is behind, says
a gallant thing, we may either hear or not as we please ;
and in case we blush, nobody sees it." I confessed that
that reasoning was irresistible.—lnglis.
COTTON BEDS.—A very important discovery has been
made at New York, by which an elasticity hitherto un-
known has been imparted to cotton, that seems likely to
create an immense demand for it in a new direction. We
speak particularly of cotton mattresses and beds. Cotton
costs from six to ten cents a pound; feathers from 40 to
60. The purity of cotton, and its freedom from offensive
odour, connected with the immense gain in the cost,
promise to work a complete revolution in this department
of domestic life. A company has been organised for the
manufacture of cotton beds, and they are now being in-
troduced under the title of felt mattresses.

ON A LATE OCCASION, Louis Napoleon—who, we know,
has no particular penchant for tranquillity in either him-
self or the nation—rose and joined some gentlemen; and
the Empress, also rising, walked to a group of ladies. This
breach of etiquette excited the displeasure of her lord, who,
leading her to a mirror, asked her the not very original
riddle, " Why is the Empress unlike this mirror ?" Not
receiving a reply, he added, " Because the mirror reflects,
and the Empress does not." I suppose this very courteous
speech provoked the retort courteous in the lady ; for when,
in their promenade, they came opposite one another, she
asked her husband what difference existed between the
mirror and himself ? After cogitating for tome time, he
confessed his inability to reply, and'stie enlightened him
by observing that " the mirror was polished and the Em-
peror was not of 4,ondon paper.
LITERARY TOWN Cotrif LLORS. —IR the meeting for the
election of mayor and aldermen in Bradford, when voting
for alderman each member of the council had to deliver a
voting paper to the mayor containing the names, re-
sidences, and businesses of the gentlemen for whom he
voted. This was evidently a task to some gentlemen not
easily performed. The Mayor frequently remarked in a
jocose manner upon their numerous orthographical errors,
as well as their illegible style of penmanship. The follow-
ing is a specimen, extracted from the voting paper of a
councillor, whose name is the opposite of wrong : Thos.
Baymount lora plat Leed road Sugeon" (the name should
have been Thomas Beaumont, Laura Place, Leeds-road,
surgeon.) Several votes had to be rejected owing to mis-
spelling, &c., and the Mayor observed how necessary it
was that those gentlemen aspiring to the dignity of
councillor should make themselves a little acquainted with
Johnson's Dictionary.—Manchester Courier.
How THE " RAPPINGS" ARE PRODITCED.—Parker's
Journal, a work of great talent and infinite humour, pub-
lished the following mode of accounting for these raps,
furnished by one scientific gentleman :—" The only true
and legitimate manner of accounting for the taps is the
physiological effects of the membraneous system. The
obtuseness of the abdominal indication causes the cartila-
genous compressor to coagulate into the diaphragm, and
depresses the duodendum into the flandango. Now, if the
taps were caused by the rogation of the electricity from
the extremities, the tympanum would also dissolve into
spiritual rinctum, and the olfactory would foment and
become identical with the pigmentum. Now this is not
the case. In order to produce taps the spiritual rotundum
must be elevated down to the spiritual spero. But, as I
said before, the inferior ligaments must not subtend over
thedignitorium sufficiently to disorganize the " stericletum."
—Alfred Bunn's Old England and New England.
A FREE FIGHT.—The following is a description of a
free fight in Western Virginia, as related by one of the
eye-witnesses thereof. Premising that there was but one
blow struck, in answer to an interrogatory as to who was
hit, the narrator replies :—" I reckon he was from low
down on Guyan, somewhar. Jes as they war jawin, a
chap rode up on a claybank hoss—l reckon he was Mes-
singer stock, a scrowgin anemil, a little blind o' both eyes
—a peert-looking chap enough—au' when he got fernent
the place, says he, Is this a free fight ?' an' they told him
it war. Well,' says he, Bitting off an' hitching his ole
claybank to a swinging limb, count me in !' He hadn't
more'n got it out, afore some one fetched him a lick, an'
he drapt. He riz dreckly with some defichulty, and ses
he, Is this a free fight ?' an' they told him it war.
' Well,' ses he, unhitchin' his hoss, and puttin' his left leg
over the back leather, count me out !' an' then he
marveled."—New York Tribune.
A DOCK-YARD DISCOVERY.—Not very long ago a per-
son well known for his large and accurate knowledge of
the sources of English history, found himself by accident
in one of our great dock-yards. In one part of the yard
he noticed some preparations for a bonfire, and, with the
instinct of an antiquary, when old papers are in peril, be
ran off to the scene. " What are these bundles ?" he
inquired of the ready minister of destruction. "Nothing
but rubbish" said the man. The very tie of the parcels
told the antiquary that they were letters, and of old date.
" Where do they come from ?" he asks. " Oh, they have
been lying here no one knows how long ; we want the
room, and we are going to burn them out of our way."
The antiquary took up a bundle of the doomed papers,
opened the first letter, and found that it was the original
despatch announcing to the government, with all its
details, one of the most important events in the reign of
Charles 11. Commanding the dockyard men not to set
fire to the pile until superior orders should arrive, the
antiquary posted to London, repaired to the Admiralty,
stated the fact, and saved the papers. When carefully
examined, they proved to be as interesting a series of state
documents as any in our national libraries..—Atheaolos.