The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1840-07-03 00:00:00

SKETCHES OF THE JOLLY CLUB

(Written for the Liverpool Standard.)

JOE RATTLER'S PLA

FOR PRODUCING ,EFFECT

" Well," said Joe, "we have seen most of Liverpool,
suppose we have a trip over the water. I have a curiosity to
see what kind of a place your New Brighton is. From its
name I should imagine there must be something more than
ordinarily stylish about it."

" Be it so," I replied, and we embarked forthwith for that
interesting and elegant resort of fashion, at which, after a
delightful passage of something less than an hour and a
half—during which we amused ourselves by looking out for
porpoises and dolphins, but not being successful;were accom-
modated by a lady with a powerful telescope, six inches long,
which enabled us to see Bootle land-marks, with a variety of
bathing-machines, bathers, and other extraordinary objects,
almost as well as with the naked eye—we at length arrived,
and were consigned with a number of other passengers into a
punt—it would be a libel on that respectable machine to call
it a boat—and propelled for about a hundred yards shore-
wards, by a couple of long poles. At length a sudden jerk
pitched some of the party on their faces, giving the remain-
der also a kind of " shaking up," by way of improving any
acquaintance they might have formed during the passage.
" Aground, Joe; jump out!" and Joe managed the feat.
For those who were not so alert, a conveyance was provided
after this fashion—" Now, mann, please get on my back ;"
and one by one, the long-legged portion trailing their lower
extremities in the water, the whole freight were placed upon
terra firma.

Having landed, or rather sanded, for land appears to be
out of the question at New Brighton, we sauntered about for
a considerable.time, and found it to contain everything but
what the maps, prospectuses, &c. promised, viz., baths,
villas, news-rooms, promenades, &c. In place of these,
however, there were every variety of sandy roads, gravel
walks, and sandy hills, upon one of which we observed a
solitary rabbit, which gave a finished and picturesque ap-
pearance to the whole. Not having met with much to
please the eye, we at length resolved to look out for some-
thing to please the taste, and at once entered the inn, Joe
despairing of being able to meet with a sufficient field for the
display of his brilliant genius. We had not, however, been
long seated, when in stepped an elderly gentleman, with
three young ladies, apparently his daughters. This was suf-
ficient, Joe rang the bell, and a very sprightly little girl
1 1

" Oh—ali, are you the Garcon ?"
"No, I'm Mary."
" Oh, very well, Mary ; then pray let me have as
it is immorally possible a bottle of portah and two
the portah must be ripe and the cigars mellow; and, d'y
hear, Mary, bring in a luminary, a conceiver, and a receiver.
The girl looked bewildered ; the company began to stare
and, as I knew that Joe would not be more definite in h_
commands, I explained. "My friend," said I, " simply
wants a candle, a piece of paper or spill, and a spittoon."
' • Well, I never!" ejaculated Mary. The elderly gentleman
ordered tea in another room.

drawled Joe

"That will do, my dear:" said Joe, as the girl brought in
the porter and cigars. "What's the ruin, eh ?—the damage ?"
" Eighteen-pence." " What would it have been if I had
had beer instead of portah ?" " Fourtin-pence" was the
reply. " Ah, exclaimed Joe, with a sigh, " I wish 1 had
not tasted it ; I could have savedfoterpence."
There was a sudden lifting up of pocket handkerchiefs to
the ladies' mouths, whether for the purpose of wiping them,
or of hiding a smile, I leave the reader to guess. " You
can't change it I suppose," continued Joe, looking serious
and dismayed," (the girl grinning and the ladies tittering.)
" You won't change it ?" So Joe lighted his cigar, and after
smoking a few whiffs exclaimed" Oh, horrid ! what a villain-
bus compound of brown papah. My dear sir, will you do me
the honah—(addressing himself to the elderly gentletnan)—
will you so far oblige me as to look at this ? Is it not a shock-
ing attempt to take advantage of my youth and inexperience ?"
But methinks it would be desirable, before proceeding fur-
ther, to make the reader and my friend personally acquainted.
Joe Rattler, then, I must inform him, was from " town,"
and though not quite a " d'Orsay," had still decidedly a

dash of " West End" in his appearance. .He was not
a puppy in reality, yet could, and very often did, act the part
to perfection. lie was young, handsome, and (when he
chose) of very captivating and pleasing manners. Joe was
'a philosopher, too, if being very merry and very happy con-
stitutes- philosophy. He was fond. of fun in every shape,
and peculiarly fond of what he termed " producing effect,"
and in pursuit of this whimsical hobby he cared little whether
the laugh he raised, or the effect he produced, was against
him or in his favour. This much premised, let us return to
our subject.

The elderly unknown, after repeatedly being urged to ex-
amine the cigar, informed Joe, with the greatest politeness,
that he was no connoisseur. My friend apologized for his
earnestness, assuring the gentleman that his sole reason for
taking the liberty was his having suffered severely from the
tricks and extortions practised upon visitors on that side of
the water. " They are perfectly horrid!" exclaimed Joe,
" and I think you will coincide with me when I inform you of
an adventure which occurred to myself last Thursday.

•
The word " adventure" caused an immediate attention
from the ladies, and Joe, perceiving their anxiety, thus pro-
ceeded.

" The first time I set foot upon this inhospitable shore was
on Thursday last, when nay friend and myself came here in
pursuit of a little innocent recreation. Having always had a
great inclination, when in the country, to have a ride, al-
though I never could screw my courage to the daring ex-
ploit—and oh, that I had not then !—I was induced at length
by the persuasions of my friend, strengthening my own in-
clination, to venture upon a ride along the shore. With this
view we proceeded to a spot where a gang of ponies and
donkies was kept, and having particularly enquired for the
quietest donkey in their collection—l didn't like to venture
upon a pony gll at once—l was furnished with one whose
name was Neddy.' In addition to the evidence of his
quiet habits which his exterior and his physiogßomy supplied,
I was assured by two young ladies who were passing and ob-
served my timidity (I verily think they were in the conspi-
racy) that I should be perfectly safe, as they had frequently
ridden him themselves, and no donkey could be quieter.
" To make assurance doubly sure, however, I procured the
animal two-pennyworth of bread, and fondled with him in
order that he might know me. A side saddle was put upon
him, as that, in my opinion, is the safest for a young rider,
and with the assistance of a good brawny woman, the pro-
prietor of Neddy, I mounted. For same distance the animal
went quiet enough and ambled very agreeably, and thus em-
boldened I informed the creature behind (Neddy's mistress)
that she might give him a gentle tap. She did so ; and
Neddy whisked his tail—foreboding phenomenon !—his upper
lip became suddenly curled up and his ears formed a hori-
zontal parallel towards me. I expressed my alarm, upon
which the creature informed me that she had only ' caught
him a bit on the raw,' and that she would ' strike fairer'
next time. I hoped she would. As a friend to the brute
creation, I assured her of my conviction that the nzost subtle
casuist could not advance a single sophism to extenuate such
beastly conduct, but on turning round to enforce my remarks
I thought I saw her winking at the
.young ladies who were
still near.

" What could they mean ?" I mentally exclaimed. " Could
the inhuman monsters take delight in seeing me unhorsed—
un-assed I should say ? For the sake of humanity—for the
sake of their sex, I hoped not. I had not gone far, how-
ever, when a fresh blow brought on a repetition of the symp-
toms I have just described, with, if possible, more alarming
features ; and this time I verily think I heard my friend join
in the titter. Oh! friendship, what art thou ?—a name
that only lulls the wretch,'—but hold. I have not time to
apostrophise. The denouement is near, for scarcely had I
time to look round, when a sudden jerk from Neddy caused
the saddle to turn under him, and my head was precipitated
to tha ground, and my feet were fast in the stirrups. In this
way I was mercilessly dragged several yards, my head and
beautiful hair trailing on the ground—my hair—ah ! little
thought poor rya-ma at that moment that those beauteous
curls she had so oft admired and put into paper, should have
come to so vile a purpose. I weep for very sympathy of her
sorrow.

" The ass still dragged on, still I strove to regain my seat,
and called with all my strength for assistance, but to no pur-
pose. I screamed, but all in vain; a swimming sensation
came over my eyes; every faculty was benumbed and para-
lysed. Am Ito perish in this ignoble manner!' I ex-
claimed, and thoughts of home and happiness flitted like a
whirlwind across my memory. On, on he went. Loud
laughs resounded from the shore, to which my screams were
a faint echo. Cake-stalls, groups of boys and girls, and
donkeys waiting their respective loads—all,, all disappeared
to my view. Oh ! Ma, oh ! sister."

As he thus apostrophized these objects of his affection,
Joe started up from his seat, and assuming a position of
graceful agony, appeared overwhelmed by the bare recollec-
tion of the scene which he was describing.

" I clung," he continued in accents of the deepest pas-
sion, " I clung to Neddy's legs • I caught his ear, but he
only plunged the more. A frightful dizziness came over me,
and a horrid sound was in my ear, like the distant laugh of
rejoicing fiends.

'At length, ' a change came o'er my spirit.' Mint once
methought I stood still, and that every object, ships, wrecks,
bathing-machines, trees, fields, all—all went rushing past
me. Anon they began to dance with wild fury, in one vast
chaos-dance. What horrid revelry is this ? I exclaimed,
and then failing nature could no more. I— I had
fainted !"

Here the ladies heaved a sigh, at the sound of which, I
thought Joe would have died with pure delight. He cast one
glance of admiration upon those beautiful features,—and
beautiful they were when thus lighted up with the sympathy
which his lamentable condition had called forth, but soon

re-assumed his stolid gravity of countenance, and procee
with his narration.

" For what period I had lain unconscious of the scene
before me I know not, but the first sensations which accom-
panied the return of reason were as delightful as they were
singular. Soft seraphic music stole upon my bewildered
senses—music such as charms the inmost soul, rather than
the outward ear. Where was I ? Whence was that delight-
ful harmony? What bending form is that, so sylphlike arid
etherial, which like an attendant angel hovers by my side,
whose soft blue eyes beam upon me through tears which gem
them, and whose spicy breath seems to rarify me into ex-
istence ? Whose beautiful lips are those which seem to
whisper Live, live—if it be only for me ?' I felt and
kissed the lovely hand whose taper fingers were gently dis-
entangling my besmeared locks, and in a voice low and
tremulous I murmured to that guardian spirit—' Is this
Heaven ?" Oh if it were thus to die, how better far than to
live !'

" Alas ! it was phantasy all—the mere creation of a dis-
tempered brain—for a sudden bite of my thumb brought me
to life and sad reality. instead of the angelic creature whom
my wandering fancy had conjured up from the vasty deep,'
there knelt by my side, the brawny figure of the proprietor
of Neddy, busily engaged in biting my thumb. Another
brute was throwing salt water in my face, whilst a third was
slapping with her horny hand the soles of my feet. A
numerous cro.wd were gathered round me, and I verily think,
instead of sympathizing with my misfortunes, were delighted
with my discomfiture. Fiends !—is the milk of human
nature dried up in their breasts ? Are their hearts so seared
by callousness that a scene of suffering like my own would
not melt them ?

" But my friend—where was my friend? He too had left
me in this horrid situation—in a place where I could neither
renew nor adjust my toilette. He too had gone—gone for a
surgeon. Was there no more fitting a messenger ? Alas !
this was the unkindest cut of all"—and as he proceeded Joe
turned towards me a look of dignified and solemn rebuke,
which I shall not readily forget. " All, all but this I could
have readily borne, and borne it bravely too. But Ma and
sister shall know the whole. Let sister pause before she
entrusts her heart into the keeping of one who could thus
leave her dear and only brother lifeless on a distant shore,
and in the hands of savages ; let Ma consider well before she
admits one into her house who would coldly leave her dar-
ling and only son thus to perish amongst brutal strangers,
unpitied and unwept!

" And now, sir,W continued Joe, addressing the elderly
gentleman, " you will not think me rude in asking your
advice and opinion. When I reflect upon what I have un-
dergone, the very thought drives me to distraction. Excuse
me, sir; adieu!—my grief overpowers me. Oh, mama!--
oh, sister !" Joe raised his hands and lifted his face towards
the ceiling as he moved hurriedly to the door, and, after
bowing to the gentleman and kissing his hand to the ladies,
he rushed from the room, overwhelmed apparently in a pa-
roxysm of grief. I immediately followed him, leaving the
porter and cigars untouched.
" Now," said Joe, as soon as we got fairly out, " are they
there? look at the window." I looked back, and there they
were sure enough—the three ladies with their heads out of
the window, looking pitiful enough, and the old gentleman
laughing heartily. The youngest daughter, however, I could
see was affected somewhat differently to the rest ; for I ob-
served her look_at her father in the midst of his uproarious