The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1836-12-06 00:00:00

MUFFINS AND MORTIFICATION.

" What do you think them women does t'other day," conti-
nued Mr. Weller after a short pause, during which he had
significantly struck the side of his nose with his forefinger some
half dozen times—" What do you think they does t'other day,
Sammy ?" "Don't know," replied Sam; " what ?" " Goes
and gets up a grand tea drinkiu' for a feller they calls their
shepherd," said Mr. Weller. " I was standing starin' in at
the picture shop down at our place, when I sees a little bill about
it, tickets half-a-crown. All applications to be made to the
committee. Secretary, Mrs Weller; and when I got home,
there was the committee a sittin' in our back parlour—fourteen
women. I wish you could ha' heard 'em, Sammy. There they
was a passim' resolutions, cod wotin' supplies, and all sorts u'
games. Well, what with your mother-in-law a worrying me to
• go, and what with my looking for'ard to seein' some queer starts
if 1 did, I put my name down for a ticket. At six o'clock on the
Friday eveuin' I dresses myself out werry smart, and off I goes
with the old 'unman, and up we walks into a fust floor, where
there was tea things for thirty, and a whole lot o' women as be-
gins whisperin' to one another and looking at me, as if they'd
never seen a rayther stout gen'lm'n of eight-and-fifty afore. By-
and-bye there comes a great bustle down stair, and a lanky
chap with a red nose and white neckcloth rushes up, and sings
out, Here's the shepherd a coming to wisit his faithful flock;'
and in comes a fat chap in black, vith a great white face, a
arcilin' avay like clock-work. Such goin's on, Sammy. 'The
kiss of peace,' says the shepherd; and then he kissed the wo-
men all round, and van he'd done, the man vith the red nose
began. I was just a thinkin' whether I hadn't better begin too,
'specially as there was a werry nice lady sitting next me, yen
in comes the tea and your mother-in-law, as had been making
the kettle boil down stairs. At it they went, tooth and nail.
Such a precious loud hymn, Sammy, while the tea was a brew-
ing, such a grace, such eatin' and drinkin'. I wish yau could
ha' seen the shepherd walkin' into the ham and muffins. I
never see such a chap to eat and drink—never. The red-nosed
man warn't by no means the sort of person you'd like to grub
by contract; but he was nothin' to the shepherd. Well, arter
the tea was over, they sang another hymn, and then the shep-
herd began to preach; and werry well he did it, considering
how heavy them muffins must have lied on his chest. Presently
he pulls up, all of a sudden, and hollers out, Where is the sin-
ner—where is the mis'rable sinner ?' upon which all the wo-
men looked at me, and began to groan as if they was dying. I
thought it was rather singler, but, hows'ever, I says nothing.
Presently he pulls up again, and, lookin' worry hard at me,
says, Where is the sinner—where is the mis'rable sinner?'
and all the women groans again ten times louder than afore. I
got rather savage at this, so I takes a step or two for'ard and
says, My friend,' says I, 'did you apply that ere obserwation
to me?" 'Stead of beggin' my pardon, as any gen'lm'n would
ha' done, he got more abusive than ever; called me a weasel,
Sammy—a weasel of wrath—and all sorts o' names. So my
blood being reg'larly up, I first gave him two or three for him-
self, and then two or three to hand over to the man with the
red nose, and walked off. I wish you could ha' heard how the
women screamed, Sammy, ven they picked up the shepherd
from under the table."—Pickwick Papers.