The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1838-09-14 00:00:00

OCTOBER

Newmarket 2
Wrexham 2
Chesterfield

JONATHANIANA.

(Neat as impoited—by last arrivals.)

SUMMER FASH lONS.—A slight squint over the left eye—
ditto, curl of the lower lip. Bight hand in the opening of
the vest—thumb and forefinger delicately dallying with the
watch-guard.—flat slantingdicular to the right, standing
upon five hairs and a quarter;—the corner of a yellow ban-
dana just showing itself at the left temple. Whiskers long
and Worked; ear-locks, half-way down the cheek, and tips
tucking in. A light cane may be carried under the arm for
flourishing wben a dun is visible. Teeth, clean and white,
for grinning when a lady is met. N.B.—Carry a pocket of
pulverized pumice always with you, to fling in the eyes of the
tailors' boys, if there is no other way of getting clear of 'em.

APROPOS OF THE ABOVE.—The Vice Queen of Canada,
(My Lady Durham,) like Queen Victoria of England, has
issued an anathema against the old and bold black cravat,
and an order that none of her loving subjects shall appear
before her, upon pain of her high displeasure, otherwise than
with their necks enveloped in while napery—that is to say,
as the old song says—" with a yard or two of towelling
wrapp'd round about their necks fast."

VERY EXTRAORDINARY.—A young lady, intending to sue
for a breach of promise, put her lover's billets &ix into a bag,
for theipurpose of producing them in court; when sad to tell,
their own natural warmth produced spontaneous combustion,
and, when the bag was opened, there was nothing in it but
ashes.

A SUFFICING REASON.—Colonel Dunlop, of the Huron
and St. Clair militia, has published a letter complaining bit-
terly of certain commissariat officers, whom he charges with
arrogance, and neglect of duty ; but he exonerates them
from all disrespect to himself personally—because, as he
says, he is "six feet high and proportionably broad across
the shoulders."

DRAINING, DRINKING AND DUELLING.—Messrs. Drane
and Drinkins, of Madison Co. Mis., men of high courage
and standing, fought a duel last Monday with double-bar-
relled guns, and both were killed. Good bye Messrs. Drane
and Drinkins!

MORE ABSENCE.—An actor at the Bowery in New York
one night lately appeared for the first time in Othello, but
by some strange fit of absence he had studied the Fourth
Book of Euclid instead of the play, and stranger, still, no-
body found it out until he set about persuading poor Desde-
mona that she was an isosceles triangle.
'I'HE SUBLIME AND RIDICULOUS.—" Woman is most
beautiful when in tears—like a rose wet with the chrystal
dew."—Mobile Examiner, "We suppose the editor of the
Examiner whips his wife every Sunday, to make her look
beautiful."—Baltirnote Sun. "Dues the wife of the editor of
the Sun whip him 'to make him beautiful o' Sundays ?' By
the following from the Sun of Friday, we suppose the editor
a real woman hater—a being, we had hoped, no hinge; ex-
isting in this country:—" A young woman, it is said, died in
Connecticut of the typhus fever, in consequence of kissing a
young man who was ill of the complaint. Don't believe it;
the girl recovered of the kiss; the man it was who died.'
Shame ! There is a spot on the Sun. We hope he will
never be kissed by a lady as long as he lives, and that is the
worst punishment that will befall him."—New York Whig.
WANTS.—This is a wanting world, and these are wanting
times. Some want a new governor and some want the old
one: some want the new market house on the public square,
and some want it away from there; but fur our own part we
(Erie Gazette) want our pay from all those who qwe us any ;
and want will compel us to call upon 'em particular if they
don't call and settle soon.—That's a fact.
QUEER MISTAKE.—One of our exchange papers has got a
totally queer blunder, for which the printer ought to be well
scrubbed down.—The caption line "THROUGH BY DAY-
LIGHT," which ought to have been at the bead of a steam-
boat advertisement, is stuck over the head of Braudreth's
Pills.

ANSWER TO BOND'S SPEECH.—The only answer we have
as yet seen attempted to this unanswerable speech is the fol-
lowing official answer from the editor of the Washington
Globe, who, it is pretty well agreed, is the ugliest-lookinr
man in the world:—" Mr. Bond is the very make of a great
bull frog. His rotundity of body is tagged round with sprad-
ling legs—half length arms—projecting snout and eyes—the
ver creature to bellow blood•and-tuns."
HORTICULTCRE.—" If you throw up a pumpkin it will
come down squash,' is one of the wisest of sayings, and re-
minds us that the Boston Courier has a 'cute column or two
once a-week upon these matters; and we wish we could fol-
low the example. Perhapslve may, by and by.
Assistant Alderman Crolflis, why don't you cause the in-
tolerable nuisances existing in the streets intersecting Cen-
tre-street to be removed ? Your alderman and street inspec-
tor are not to be depended upon. We look to you. See to it.
Brower has brought out a new-fashioned vis-ci-vis reversed,
upon two wheels, admirably calculated to soil ladies' dresses
by throwing mud over them. It is a capital invention for
the trade," and cannot fail to drive a great deal of business
in the dry goods line.
Murders are on the increase.
Good bacon hams are scarce. Inferior legs are on the rise.
Middlings are
personsrarely
drownedt obe metnwi
oneth.
Nineteenboat at Little Falls, New
Brunswick. Nineteen persons have no business in one boat.
Wittietr! couldo theykili
killed
hispe wifeet? at Newstead, N. Y., by driving
her in a carriage. He broke her neck three weeks after
marriage. . _

Hair, rain, thunder, and lightning, have been running all
over the country like wildfire.

Weare told that Placide was not at John Clarke's funeral.
We cannot believe it, if he was in the city. We should like
to be informed fully on this head.
Marble had a good benefit.
Bathe often!
Remember the Bedouins at the Park to-night! Nothing
like them, except the giraffes.

Keep cool!
Keep sober!
l'alk little !

Eat less!

***--It is impossible to say what the readers of news-
papers expect of those who make them during this hot wea-
ther; but this we do know, if they expect much, newspaper
readers are a more unreasonable class of people than we have
always taken them to be. To expect the editor of a daily
journal to furnish long articles, or indeed articles of any sort,
under such an atmosphere as is now roasting folks to death,
is to expect ice out of the ashes of a furnace in full blast, or
to require people to gather snowballs from a hot oven. How,
in the name of fervent heat, can people be expected to write,
or even think, in such weather? Politics would melt in a
man's mouth, and, as for dissertations on other subjects, the
matter is not to be mentioned ! Statistics would all run
together like so many sperm candles in the sun, and as to
dreadful accidents they would pass unheeded. What would
be the use even of a steam-boat explosion ? Nobody would
spare a particle of sympathy for so humdrum an occurrence,
while they are themselves broiling into overdone steaks.
The truth is, the weather is so hot you can see it, and we
don't know that we are called upon, under strch circum-
stances, to be adding to the density of the caloric by any
hot-headedness of our own. Let every virtuous citizen drink
ice-water if be can get it, and not expect any thing so unrea-
sonable as a readable article in a newspaper.