The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1838-07-31 00:00:00

SPECIMEN OF FRENCH POLICE REPORTING.

( From Le- Droit.)
Imagine, if it is possible, the most abominable weather.
A perfect horror of a miserably wet day—gutters filling the
width of the street—water upon all the pavements—water
falling from the roofs, from the pipes, from the clouds, water
every where ; a day of diluvian reminiscence; a thoroughly
wet day : in short, like this, like yesterday, and the day be-
fore; weather such as we have had for Months past in this
beautiful atmosphere of France, where the English come to
bask in the sun, and to make their escape from the fogs and
vapours of the Thames. Now, having imagined this beauti-
ful specimen of the 9th of June in Paris, you must next
imagine the figure of a certain wight, without an umbrella,
splashing through the midst of the Rue St. Honore, hugging
between his crossed arms an enormous bundle of grey paper ;
the whole man dripping as if he had just issued from a
swimming school, and running and bawling by turns after
an omnibus, the conductor of which feigns for the moment
to be exceedingly deaf.
Omnibus conductors are always wags in rainy weather—it
is their harvest—their fortunate quarter of an hour; pros-
perity makes them insolent, and it is quite natural they
should be so; but nevertheless they are fair, though the
weather be foul, and as there was a vacant scat in the omni-
bus, the machine stopped. " A place on the right," cried
the conductor. "I beg pardon, gentlemen; I beg pardon,
ladies," exclaimed the man with the grey paper parcel,
" this :s weather." " But have the goodness," said a lady
in a fawn coloured silk gown, " to be a little attentive—you
have no mercy on my dress." "A thousand pardons,
madam; I assure you it is not on purpose ; the devil of wea-
ther is to blame." " Mind what you are about," said a fat
gentleman on the other side, "you are deluging my panta-
loons." " I beg pardon, sir; it is all the weather's fault."
" All very well," replied the fat gentleman; " but people
who are as wet as a sop ought not to get into an omnibus."
" Very true, sir; but it is such bad weather that
.I get into
an omnibus. When it is fine I never ride. Uonductor, ask
these gentlemen to make me a square inch of room." " Have
a little.complaisance; there is plenty of room on the right,"
said the conductor. At this decree of the competent function-
ary, a space was made on the right seat, and the new coiner
installed himself there, reeking l►ke a river from top to toe.
" If the gentleman would have the kindness to put his large
grey paper parcel under the seat it would be less disagree-
able," remarked the lady in the fawn-coloured silk. "It
shall be done directly, madam—l beg a thousand pardons.
What rascally bad weather, and here we are at the end of
June."

When an evil is inevitable, there is no remedy but patience.
Our hero's fellow-travellers resigned themselves to the tedious
virtue; a dead silence ensued, while the vehicle rattled and
waded over the stones. At last the gruff, fat man, throwing
a glance of his eye over the fawn-coloured sick, said, "I beg
pardon, madam, but you seem to have got something at the
bottom of your dress which is not natural." "Lord protect
us," exclaimed a starched maiden lady on the opposite side,
"itis a snail!" The whole company in chorus. "A snail!
Stay, let us see—it is—no, it is not—yes, it is, and a superb
one too." "It is white!" "It is black!" "It is fat"—
Sorry to trouble you, Sir; but what is that at the end of your
boot—this—just on the right toe? Surely that is another
snail.

"Parbleu! true enough; but where the devil do these
snails come from?"

An elderly gentleman, with important emphasis,—" Sir,
they came from their shells, and not from the devil. Natural
history informs us that hunger will make a wolf come out of
the wood; and that rain will make a snail come out of its
shell."

"Yes, that's all very well in the country, do you see, but
not in an omnibus. Halloo, don't stir : as sure as I live,
there's something defiling at full length along this good gen-
tleman's umbrella."—" Indeed, that's past a joke !—there
must be some one here who has got snails about him."
" Yes, that's quite clear," echoed the rest. A general
search should be made., "It is not I, in the first place."
"Nor I, nor I, nor I."

Fourteen "Nor I's" resounded on all sides; but a high
passenger, (the surplus 15th,) the last corner, the man of the
deluge, sopped, drenched and reeking, had not a word to say.
During the whole of this hubbub, that watery wight had not
ceased fur one moment sponging himself with his handker-
chief, the surplus water of which he squeezed out under the
seat, by gently slipping his hands between his knees. This
operation being. repeated very often, at length attracted
notice, and suspicion being roused, reminded the company
of the grey-paper parcel which had been placed under the
seat. The drapery was raised, and to the general stupefac-
tion of the company, the gigantic grey-paper parcel was
found to be pierced with holes in twenty places, by the drip-
pings from the owner's handkerchief, and from the holes
were seen escaping myriads of snails, who appeared to be
makinc, an effectual retreat with arms and baggage. Two
hundred' of these horned gentry had already broken their
fetters, and, with their knapsacks on their backs, had already
regained the land of liberty.
" Sir, this is infamous • sir, this is an atrocity ; you ought
to be ashamed of yourself. Such conduct is beyond words;
there ought to be laws expressly made for punishing such
wickedness."

" Pardon me, Ladies and Gentlemen, but do not make
such a horrible noise about a trifle. You will frighten those
poor reptiles out of their wits. Diable, they are but snails;
they won't eat you; but they are very good to eat. For my
part, lam very fond of snails. I have just come from mar-
ket from purchasing a few gross. There is no great harm
in that, for they are delicious eating with white sauce. I'll
be bound you are fond of them too, and instead of making
all this row, you ought to assist me in catching them."
So saying, the man of the grey parcel immediately put
himself into active service. The parcel, it is true, was hors
de combat, but his hat readily supplied its place; and first
seizing one snail, and then another, by the shell, by the body,
by the horns, he thrust them to the bottom of their new
prison; he then resumed the chase; tracked them, hunted
them over the company's feet., under their feet, over the
cushions, under the cushions, along the walking-sticks, the
umbrellas, the gowns, and the pantaloons. His arms and
his hands appeared to prolong themselves on all sides; now
they made a dash at the right, now at the left. At length
his hat began to fill with its strange burden; but every time
he returned to the charge he found new deserters; a new
contest was to be waged on the brim of the hat, which was
now formidably garnished with numerous horned battalions,
who were devoting to the purposes of rapid flight all their
natural qualities of elastic and slippery evasion.
The ladies, who at first, in their fright and anger, had
thought of nothing else but of hermetically wrapping their
garments about their feet, and the men, who had thrust their
trowsers into their boots for protection, could not maintain
their serious countenances any longer. The whole equipage
burst into a simultaneous shout of laughter. The ladies
swooned with laughing; the men threw themselves back in
their seats. The conductor abandoned himself to the pro-
tection of his strap, swearing 'that he had never in his life
seen such a collection of fools, while the coachman did not
know what to make of his turbulent convoy, and was think-
ing, for a moment, of driving them all to the madhouse at
Charenton. In a few minutes the whole of the convoy would
have had an attack of hysterics. The fawn-coloured gown,
above all, was most vehemently affected; she wanted to get
out, but she could not speak—she could not shout—she could
only make signs with her hand; at length she rose from her
place, and seized the conductor's strap, in order to explain
her intention. The conductor, always half drunk, pulled
the guide-cord attached to the coachman's arm with a vehe-
mence which nearly dragged him off his box. The coach-
man, in a rage, pulled up his horses with equal vehemence,
and caused the omnibus to stop so abruptly that the lady in
the fawn-coloured dress was stretched sprawling at full
length, and happened to fall precisely upon the hatfull of
snails,
which she completely smashed, 'both receptacle and
its contents.
It was on account of the above accident that yesterday the
neh hand,at
and
cfolarirmededre
parties appeared before the Police Magistrates of the district
thess vOalnuethoef hiso snailsL— w'-htihche ith hair-dresser,
claimed
and, on the other, MdUe. D-- demanded compensation for'
the damage done to her fawn-coloured dress,by" coming in
coming in
contact with M. L—'s hatful of snails.

- Witnesses were produced on both sides, and the matter
was finally referred by the magistrate to arbitration.

WILL CASE.—CHESTER CONSISTORY COURT, JULY 26.
BAm Foal) v. STOTT AND ANOTHER.—This case, in the same
court, involved the validity of a will. The deceased, Mr.
Bamford, of Tongue, near Middleton, demised his property,
being of very considerable value, to two illegitimate chil-
dren. The party promoter impeached the will, on the ground
of forgery. A host of witnesses established its authenticity;
and the chancellor gave judgment in favour of the will, each
party to, pay their own costs.
Our OF THE WORLD.—The clergyman of the little island
of St. Kilda, did not hear of King William's death till a few
days ago, and has, consequently, been praying a whole year
for health and long life to his Majesty, while he was lying in
his grave. So unfrequent is the communication between St.
Kilda and the mainland, that a newspaper put into_the nest
on the day of publication did not reach the rev. gentleman
till two years and a half after date.
A PROFITABLE NEWSPAPER SvEcur,ArioN.—ln the In-
solvent Debtors' Court, London, on Wednesday last, Robert
Dyer, late publisher and cashier of the Shipping Gazette, and
of the Constitutional newspaper, applied for his discharge. It
appeared from the questions put by the court, that the aggre-
gate amount of the insolvent's debts was £6236; of which
sum, he had received no consideration for £5650. The liabi-
lities had arisen from the insolvent having entered into en-
gagements for the Constitutional newspaper, in which he had
been a shareholder. The Constitutional paper had now ceased.
The court ordered the insolvent to be discharged, on his
filing a copy of an assignment of his furniture.