The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1840-09-11 00:00:00

.£1 18 0
" P.S. The sooner I hear from you the better."
To the above alarming demand, Mr. John Joseph War-
burton replied like a man of spirit and a scholar:—
" Sir,-1 beg of you not to trouble me any more about
books you never can comprehend, and regarding money
which ycu will never get. If I have placed auy notes upon your
margins, it has been with a view to enlighten your own thick
head, and I consider you ought to feel indebted to me.
—Yours, &AL " J. J. WARBURTON."
This quaint note was the means of introducing the learned
annotator to the court, a summons having been issued by the
enraged Julius Thomas Bentley. On their names being
called their eyes flashed vengeance upon each other. Julius
Thomas stepped exactly into the place that the rules of the
court awarded to John Joseph.
"If I thought you meant to insult me," said John Joseph—
" You think," said Julius Thomas, with a look of supreme
contempt, " Sir, a thinking animal is a"—
" Don't talk to me, sir," said John Joseph.
Julius Thomas—Sir, I tell you, that neither Locke, nor
Berkeley, nor Reid— _

Couiritissioner.—Now, gentlemen, suppose 1 think a little
for you. (Laughter.) I see you claim £1 18s., Mr. Julius
Thomas Bentley, how do you make it out ?
Mr. Julius Thomas Bentley.—l couldn't bring all the
books, sir, but look at this copy of Lytton Bulwavgh's—
that profound philosopher—see, sir, what John Joseph has
scribbled. (The book was handed up.)
Mr. John Joseph Warburton—Yes, sir, at a very certain
stupid passage, I wrote "My beautiful my own,', as Sir
Edward Lytton says, in his recently forgotten play of the
Sea Captain, making the said Sea Captain apostrophise the
sea. (Laughter.)
The learned Commissioner.—Well, well ; do, gentlemen,
come to the point.
Plaintiff.—l contend that no one has any right to spoil my
books. _ _ _ .

Defendant.—No, sir, certainly not, with the proviso that
you understand them. If you did, why then I—(laughter.)

The Commissioner.—Gentlemen this is a matter that can-
not be allowed. I recommend you both to " Coke upon
Lyttelton," to " Arthunbot's Art of Selling a Bargain," or,
in reference to your own upper stories, to " Arthunbot's
Dissertation upon Dumpling." The case is too trifling to
trouble a jury with : it is therefore dismissed.
Julius Thomas Bentley.—Then, sir, I demand satisfaction.
" So do I," said John Joseph Warburton.
.

Then you had better take it, said a bye-stander of the Sam
Weller creation. The parties, however, walked quietly out
of court.

EXTRAORDINARY CANDIDATE FOR AN M.P.

Among the advertisements in the Ayr Advertiser is an
electioneering address, " To the Free and Independent Elec-
tors of the County of Ayr," (presently represented by Vis-
count Kelburne,) signed " John Parker, Laird of Assloss
and Sliddery Braes." The composition of this document is
certainly unique. Mr. Parker, having avowed his ambition
to represent his native county, and being assured, from the
signs of the times, that we must soon have a dissolution of
parliament, proceeds to state his religious and political creed.
I am warmly," he says, " nay, enthusiastically attached
to the church of my forefathers—the glorious kirk of Scot-
land—that church of many martyrs, and will spend the last
shilling I have in her defence against all the powers of hell,
backed by the pious majority of the Court of Session."
This is at least explicit. In consistency with his religious
opinions, the Laird of Assloss and Sliddery Braes thus can-
didly avows his political sentiments :
" In politics I am an out-and-out double-distilled radical,
but take care—no chartist or socialist, the deluded followers
of the unhappy Owen, formerly of Lanark Mills, a man who
should have been in a lunatic asylum years ago. My models
of eloquence—the great apostle of the Gentiles—magnani-
mous Paul, Demosthenes, and the first Earl of Chatham."
On the subject of character the laird is as plain-spoken as
on politics.
" Now as to private character, which in an M.P. should
be good, I refer you to every man, woman, (I had almost
said child,) in Kilmarnock. My constitution, thanks to
grace, is excellent, and was well tried in my younger years.
My models of criminal and civil jurisprudence are Sir M.
Hale, Lords Talbot, Denman, Glenlee, Moncrieff, Jeffrey,
Cunningham, and Fullarton. My books of consultation are
the ever-blessed Word of God,' all the puritanical divines,
Chalmers, Gordon, Buchanan, &c. lam fond of agricul-
ture, but not very practical, being but seldom at home."
_ _

The laird continues this strain of free and easy communi-
cation, and in openness and candour is certainly superior to
most of the non-intrusionists.

" I am ashamed to say I am still unmarried, but, under
God's grace, intend to play Benedick soon; but as there are
two to that bargain, pardon me for not saying more at pre-
sent. If lam spared till next week, I shall (D. V.) have
great pleasure in paying you all, if in my power, my personal
respects, if I can get horses to keep up with my enthusiasm.
Now, God bless the Queen and Prince Albert, and turn
their hearts unto himself. Old Melbourne—not a bad fel-
low on the whole—worthy excellent Fox Maule ; and great
success to " JOHN PARKER,

" Laird of Assloss and Sliddery Braes
" King's Arms Inn, Ayr, Aug. 27, 1840."

PENANCES