The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1853-12-06 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

THE OLDEST .ANCHORITE.—Hope.
THE MOST Curaors THING.—A woman 'not being
curious.

A Flax DETERMINATION to act right vni' -steer even
inexperience safely over dangerous passages.
THE LAXP may be made of gold and embellished with
diamonds, but it gives no light without oil; ;just such a
dark lamp is genius -without virtue.
Scmcz—A LONELY SQUARE. Time —Midnight.—
Timid swell (loq.)—" Take my money, take my watch,
take evewything ; but pway spare my collare!
A STREET DIALOGUE.—Lady—<` N., Ilve nothing for
you ; Toll always ask me every time I cross." Boy—
" Yes, and every time you crosses you taus give me
nothink."—Punch.
PROGRESS OF SCIENCE.—A scientific lair-dresser at
the West-end is about to favour the ladies with the dis-
covery of a wonderful new pommade, which he guarantees
" will prevent the bonnet falling off the head."
SHALL LADIES HAVE VOTES ?—" Certainly," replies a
strong-minded woman of our acquaintance ;-" is woman
made only to sew on buttons ? and if she is, you have no
right to turn away the needle from the poll."
OVERFLOWING WITH EXTRAVAGA.NCE.—AgoodNovem-
her fog is the cause of poor authors being extremely ex-
travagant, for it forces them to burn: the midnight oil"
at noonday.--Puneh.
To THE PRESS GENERALLY.—The Emperor Nicholas
wishes an erratum corrected in the next edition of our
dictionaries. He begs to say that he has discovered that
an Ottoman is not a thing upon which you easily and
comfortably place your foot.
A CALICO CALEMBOURG.—Mr. Cobden : Why are the
selfish agitators among the operatives like the works of a
clock out of order ? Mr. Bright : Because they insist
upon striking,without regard to the position of the hands.
Mr. Cobden : You are quite right, my dear Bright.
How TO BUILD A HAPPY HOME.—gax things are re-
quisite. Integrity must be the architect, tidiness the
upholsterer. It must be warmed by affection, lighted up
with cheerfulness ; and industry must be the ventilator,
renewing the atmosphere, and bringing in fresh salubrity
day by day ; while over all, as a protecting canopy and
glory, nothing will suffice except the blessing of God.
To DRESS A HAM.—Bayonne is celebrated for its hams.
I accordingly had one dressed under- my own inspection ;
and, as a considerable degree of science is required in
dressing a ham, I publish my receipt. Boil it in hock, a
quarter of an hour each pound ; then put it in an oven,
and bake it another quarter of an hour to the same weight ;
and I'll venture to say the epicures will acknowledge that
nothing can be more delicious.

WolisN's LovE.—No woman ever loved to the full ex-
tent of the passion, who did not venerate where she loved,
and who did not feel humbled, delighted in that humility,
by her exaggerated and overwhelming estimate of the su-
periority of the object of her worship. What state could
fall, what liberty decay, if the zeal of man's noisy patriot-
ism was as pure as the silent loyalty of woman's love ?
Woman's love is a robe that wraps her from many a storm.
CONSIDERABLE LATITUDE.—Sir Richard Jebb being
called to see a patient who fancied himself very ill, told
him ingenuously what he thought, and declined prescrib-
ing for him. " Now you are here," said the patient, " I
shall be obliged to you, Sir Richard, if you will tell me
how I must live, what I may eat, and what I may not."
"111-y directions as to that point," replied Sir Richard,
" will be few and simple. You must not eat the poker,
or tongs, for they are hard of digestion ; nor the bellows,
because they are windy ; but eat anything else you
please."
THE SOURCES OF HAPPINESS.—It is not by multiply-
ing twopence by thirty that we can estimate the happiness
of him who drinks claret over him who drinks beer. It is
a trite saying that the poor are as happy as the rich, and
happier ; but perhaps the reasons for holding this belief
have not been often closely examined, and hence the
general principle has been attacked as a vain sentiment,
invented by the rich to appease the poor. But if we look
at the main elements of human felicity, we shall find that
they are among the objects of moderate attainment. They
consist in health, physical and mental ; in food, sufficient
to satisfy hunger ; in clothing sufficient to protect the
body from the vicissitudes of weather ; and in that enjoy-
ment of the domestic attainments which continue the
existence of our species. The wealth of the richest man
that ever lived will not add to the list a fifth element of
enjoyment so large as any one of these.
SCIENCE AND ART.—The labour of the whole Geolo-
gical Society, for the last fifty years, has but now arrived
at the ascertainment of those truths respecting mountain
form which Turner saw and expressed with a few strokes
of camel's hair pencil fifty years ago, when he was a boy.
The knowledge of all the laws of the planetary system
and of all the curves of the motion of projectiles would
never enable a man of science to draw a waterfall or a
wave ; and all the members of Surgeon's-hall, helping
each oticr, could not at this moment see, or represent, the
natural movement of a human body in vigorous action,
as a poor dyer's son (Tintoret) did 200 years ago.—Rus-
kin'B Stones of Venice.
AN IMPERTURBABLE QUAKER.—When Friend Hopper
was seated one day in the Senate-chamber at Albany, a
man came to him and told him to take off his hat. He
replied, " I had rather not. lam accustomed to keep it
on. ' " But it is contrary to the rules," rejoined the
officer, "I am ordered to turn out any man who refuses to
uncover his head." The Quaker quietly responded, " Very
well, friend ; obey thy orders." " Then will you please to
walk out, sir 'r" said the officer. " No," replied Friend
11;alcs. 4.11 mn tboa wort cmitcorod to
turn me out. Do'st thou suppose I am going to do thy
duty for thee ?" The officer looked embarrassed, and said,
half smiling, "But how am Ito get you out?" Carry
me out, to be sure," rejoined Friend Hopper, " I see no
other way." The 'officer went and whispered to the
Speaker, who glanced at the noble-looking old gentleman,
and advised that he should be let alone.—Hopper's Life.

DR. PITCAIRN AND THE KIRK ELDERS.--:The follow-
ing anecdote is told of the celebrated Dr. Pitcairn, in
whose days a jug of claret was not an unusual breakfast
in Scotland :—" Dr. Pitcairn seldom troubled the inside of
the kirk, but every sabbath morning the jug of claret was
to be seen on its way from the tavern just as the more
staid portion of the population were going to morning
service. The kirk elders were at length scandalised, and,
under the plea of preventing sabbath-trading, used fre-
quently to seize the doctor's jug and confiscate his claret.
Suspecting that the seizure was not altogether disinte-
rested, the doctor one sabbath morning sent a strong dose
of tartar-emetic at the bottom of his pewter. On that
day, to the surprise of all men, Dr. Pitcairn was seen in
church. His eyes were turned towards the elders' pew.
The service had not advanced far ere one of the zealous
opponents of sabbath-trading slunk out of church, looking
very pale. Soon another followed, and presently the
elders' pew was empty, to the bewilderment of all but the
contriver of the mischief. The latter slipped out of church
quietly, and with exultation beheld his persecutors writhing
in all the agonies of a painful puke." . .

PICTURE OF MENSCIIIKOFF.—MeIISCIIikOff has in-
variably refused to sit to any artist. He is about 70 years
of age, of middle stature, has close cut milk-white hair, a
high open forehead, sharply-defined features, and a bright
sparkling eye. His gait is haughty, but slightly limping,
from a wound he received in a singular manner, at the
siege of Varna, in 1828. One evening, having given
some orders that he wished to see implicitly obeyed, he
strolled through the camp ; and as he was returning to
his quarters he stopped and remained with his legs
stretched wide apart while he enjoyed a pinch of snuff.
Suddenly the report of a heavy gun was heard, and the
Prince fell headlong to the ground. When he was taken
up it was found that a cannon ball had passed between his
legs and wounded him severely in the thigh. Prince
Menschikoff is one of the most extensive landed proprietors
in the empire, and counts his serfs by thousands ; but,
unlike the generality of the Russian nobles, he adds daily
to his wealth. His economy is without a parallel, and
indeed is stated to descend to parsimony of the lowest
grade ; but, however grinding his extortion in his patri-
monial estate, on all grand state occasions his appearance,
carriages, and suite are most magnificent. He possesses
a superb mansion at St. Petersburg ; his establishment of
servants and equipage is on a scale of the most lavish ex-
pense, and he is surrounded by numerous aides-de-camp
glittering in "barbaric pearls and gold." Another striking
peculiarity of this remarkable man is the aversion he
entertains for foreigners. Not one—even an ambassador—
has ever been permitted to enter his palace. He is both
rough and fickle, and when anything offends him becomes
absolutely brutal. But while he bends to the imperial
yoke from motives of avarice or ambition, he revenges his
official servitude by browbeating, threatening, and abusing
all who have the misfortune to be connected with him;
and as he is a man of considerable talent and indomitable
energy, he succeeds most marvellously in his amiable
occupation. It is not therefore to be wondered at that he
has many enemies:-.4%lVenschikoff married the Princess
Delgorouki, by whom he has a son and daughter.—United
States Gazette.

"STOP 31Y PAPER."—The following remarks are too
good to be thrown into the waste paper basket. We clip
them from an exchange, and willingly pass them on.
They are true to the letter, and suitable to all climates
and localities. Every man who subscribes to a paper,
and is troubled with either soft or hard corns, should
read them. They are understandable to the meanest
capacity :—lt is astonishing what exalted notions some
persons have of their own importance. They seem to
imagine they are altogether necessary to the onward roll
of our little world, and that if, by any means, they should
be shoved out of the way, the screws would be so loose
that the old machine would no longer hold together; and
of course, if such important personages only say to an
editor " Stop my paper," the whole establishment must
go to pot instanter. We have often laughed in our sleeve
—though outwardly we looked as grave as an owl—when
one of those regulators of the world has marched into our
editorial sanctum, and ordered a discontinuance of his
paper. And it always does us good to see how the starch
is taken out of him while the editor smilingly replies—
" Certainly, sir, with the greatest pleasure ; just as soon
as the clerk has entered 100 or more names which have
just been sent in." The mighty man wilts down like the
narrative of a whipped spaniel, and he shrinks away mut-
tering to himself, Well, I. am afraid that stopping my
paper has pot ruined him after all." These swells who
stop their papers on account of some muff which has found
its way into their cranium are sure to watch the time of
the next issue, thinking that another number will hardly
make its appearance ; and they are sure to borrow their
neighbour's copy to see if it does not contain the editor's
farewell address to his readers. We once knew a minister
who, in describing the Christian's character, and the cir-
cumspection of his walk, said the way to heaven required
as much care as it did for a cat to walk on a wall covered
with broken bottles. It is something so with an editor,
if he is to please everybody. We have heard of persons
who are willing to put out both of their own eyes for the
sake of getting out one of their neighbour's ; and it is
generally so with those who stop their papers to spite the
editors—they hurt themselves much more than they do
the editor and proprietor of a paper. However, people
will have their own way, and in this wide world it is best
to let them till they are satisfied. Experience is a good
schoolmaster ; and it takes more than one man to make a
world, as it does one swallow to make a summer."—
American paper.