The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1852-12-21 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

A TRUE PICTURE OF DESPAIR iS a pig reachingthrough
a hole in the fence to get a cabbage that lies only a few
inches beyond his reach.

SPORTING IN IRELAND.—Outing, perhaps, to the
recent wet weather, there has been during the last fort-
night very little shooting of landlords.

" MoxEY goes a great way now-a-days," as tha
Australian digger remarked to his companion when mak-
ing up a remittance for his friends in Scotland.
RAILWAY INTELLIGENCE.—A new fender has been in-
vented for breaking the force of collisions. The new fen-
der is said to be a vast improvement upon the old buffer.
As a speculator Nash is really lucky. He held some canal
shares once, which went up to such a premium that he
was obliged to send a broker up in a balloon to sell out.
JOKING IN EARNEST.—A fellow stole a saw, and on
examination told the magistrate he only took it in joke.
" How far did you carry it ?" asked the justice. " Two
miles," answered the prisoner. " That's carrying the
joke too far," remarked his worship, and the prisoner was
committed for trial.

A NORTH-COUNTRY TRADESMAN lately declared that
his men were making more money, and he himself was
making less, than his father used to do. Our informant
knows not how this may be, but the father, he says, wore
fustian, and whee;ed a barrow :—the son wears broadcloth,
and rides in a barouche.

A MILITIA SERGEANT, taking much pains with a
countryman, during drill, the countryinan, standing at
ease, addressed him as follows ;—" I'll tell yo wot, Measter
Sergeant, yo need not tak so much pains about teaching
me, for yo aiay depend on't I shall never make a trade
on't to get my bread by."

WHEN TO DINE.—A person asking Diogenes, what
was the best dinner hour, was answered "any hour."
"Nay," said the man, " any hour will not suit rich and
poor Men." " But it will,though," retorted the philoso-
pher ; " a rich man can dine any hour he likes; and a
poor, too, any hour that he can."

" SELL, on SAIL."—An officer of the 46th once got
leave of absence from his regiment (then stationed at
Cape Coast Castle) for six months, and at the expiration
of that time applied for a renewal of it ; but the answer
he received was truly laconic and characteristic of the
Duke; it consisted of three small words—" Sell, or sail!"
CONVERTIBLE NOTES.—Gabrielli asked, for singing
two months, 5,000 ducats, of the Empress Catherine of
Russia. " Why," says the Empress, " none of my field-
marshals are paid after that rate. "In that case," re-
plied Gabrielli, " perhaps your Majesty had better make
your field-marshals sing."—Cocks's Musical Miscellany.

tiFA WESLEYAN PREACHERSOMe time ago was discoursing
on love, and the superiority of heavenly over earthly love.
As a proof of the weakness of the latter, he mentioned
Job, who, he said, " had plenty of friends as long as his
property' lasted ; but as soon as that was gone, and he
became as poor as his own cat, his friends all left Lim, and
even Mrs. Job deserted him !"

A CONTRAST.—A writer in Fraser's Magazine says,
" A few sears ago, say even this day five years, M. Louis
Napoleon Bonaparte was three years in arrear of rent in
the parish of St. James. He could not pay his tailor's,
or his upholsterer's, or his wine-merchant's bill, or meet
one-half of his engagements in the City or in the West-
end."

A GOOD CUSTOMER.—An Irish gentleman, being re-
peatedly solicited by a wine-merchant, to give him the
benefit of his custom, wrote to him to the following effect :
—" My dear Sir, I am not rich enough to pay for wino
myself, but shall be very happy to serve you in any other
way. If you will send me a list of your customers, I will
see what I can do to cultivate their acquaintance."
A 'USEFUL HUSBAND.—Wife speaking: "I wish,
John, you would go and get a pennyworth of milk. You
can take the slop pail down as you go. The clothes want
wringing out and hanging on the line, and bring up some
coal as you return. You can also sweep out the back
room, but you need not wash the windows until to-morrow.
Oh, dear ! when we get a servant, I won't have to work
my life out as I do now.—New York Picayune.
THE ROAD TO FORTUNE.—" Can you tell me, if you
please, Sir, which is the road to fortune ?" inquired a
simple young man, of an oldish philosopher. " Nothing
easier, my boy," replied the latter ; "you must first take
your righ', and then take your left; after that, take other
people's right and other people's left; and finish by taking
right and left everything that comes in your way. Follow
these directions, and you are sure to get on the right road
to fortune."

A BLACK FEMALE MISSIONARY.—A letter from
Stuttgard, Wurtemburg, of November 11, says :—" A
young black woman from Africa, named Pauline Fatme,
who, for some years past, was servant in the house of
Baron de Muller, has been charged by the Protestant
Missionary Society of Balse to propagate Christianity
amongst the black women of Egypt. It is said that she
is the first negro woman to whom such a mission has been
entrusted."

MATRIMONIAL PROSPECTS.—WeII, 'tiS such a world
for naycromancy amongst nations, who knows but the
sulphurious smell o' Europe may yield to the mildher fu-
migation o' mathrimony ! Sure they say the new
Imperor 'll be conthracted out o' hand, to some Austhrian
princess ; not to mintion the Princess Royal of England,
that's not long done walkin' her doll on the " Slopes,"
bein' promised to the Prince of Proosia, as soon as ever
she's equal to housekeepin' on a regal scale, and can
masther the inthricacies o' married life, from pin-money
to " Proosian-blue.'—Tel ry Discoll.