The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1839-09-13 00:00:00

WESTMINSTER COURT OF REQUESTS.

CATCHING IT OVER THE HEAD AND EARS.—Augustus
Traughton, a tall mustachioed striping, redolent of eau de
Cologne and sweet-scented bear'sgrease, appeared to answer
the claim of Mrs. Dorothy Jbnes for 4s 6d, the• value of a
pail of milk'which Dorothy averred had been rendered unfit
for a Christian's stomach, by the accidental and unfortunate
dipping of Augustus's ambrosial curls and mustachios
therein.

-Commissioner.—Po yoti admit this claim, Mr. Augustus
Traughton ?
Mr. Augustus Traughton (in a drawling tone)—No, cer-
tainly not; I admit nothing. Let the woman—a—a—state
her case. And Mr. Augustus Traughton played with his
moustache, lifted his chin out of a silk stock in which he
-had suffered it to lie half buried, and looking round" the
court with his vision 10_degrees above the vulgar horizon of
the various plaintiffs and defendants in attendance. " Let
the woman state, and I'll see if there's a—a—a—anything
worth replying to. Where is the woman ?" turning round
leisurely and giving an extra elevation to his nose, which
nose was a perfect " bowsprit."

" Bless my soul, Mr. Marjorum," said Dorothy, who had
been " hanging on tender hooks," while Mr. Augustus
Traughton had been addressing the court. " Bless my soul,
though you are so sweet-scented, Pm' worth.half-a-dozen
civil words from you night or morning. Pooh, pooh, don't
turn-up your nose at me: mud's as good as mud all the
world over!.'

Commissioner.—State your case, Mrs. Jones.
Dorothy.—So I will, sir. Woman indeed! Mr. Bear's
grease (looking contemptuously at Mr. Augustus Traughton.)
Commissioner.—Will you have the goodness, Mrs. Jones,
to state your case ?
Dorothy proceeded to do so. After informing the court
that she kept a dairy of her own, and had two cows, " a
brindled and a pole) one," she went on to relate that, early
on the morning of the 31st ult. she had placed her milk pails
against the new church in the New. road, and had gone across
the road for the purpose of letting down by a long string
half a pint of cream, into the area of one of her customers,
when she heard a very awful scream as if coming from her
pails. She immediately turned round, and to her astonish-
ment and alarm, she saw a man bard at work ducking the
head-of Mr. Augustus Traughtun into one of her milk pails.
It appeared that Augustus being very thirsty from the:pre-
vious night's debauch, had found his way to the milk pail in
question, into which, without asking " By your leave, Mrs.
Dorothy ?" be had thrust his head, with the sober determi-
nation of having a draught of her sky-blue. Another
" early" gentleman happening to be passing at the time
Augustus was peering into the " milky way," and being, it
is presumed, of mischief-loving mind, and judging that Au-
gustus was about to commit a felony upon the milk, he
straightway soused him in over head and ears, and treated
him in such a manner as to occasion the awful cries heahl by
Mrs. Jones, when she was 16tting down the half pint of cream
into the area. This sousing, averred Mrs. Jones, had ab-
stracted 4rom Mr. Augustus Traughton's hair, mutton fat,
and oil, " a villanous compound," which had rendered the
entire pail of milk altogether unfit for use. She now claimed
the value of the milk.

Commissioner (to defendant)=What have you to say why
you should not pay for this milk ?
Mr. Augustus Traughton said it was preposterous to call
upon him to pay for the milk—he brad not spilt it, inasmuch
as he did not souse his own head in the pail.
Commissioner—You were committing an illegal act, and
are responsible for any injury which that illegal act occasioned.
And I take it that you were purloining Mrs. Jones's milk.
Mr. Augustus Traughton—Purloining !—oh, no, quite dif-
derent—quite different—a—
Commissioner—lt is sufficient that you poked your per-
fumed head into the pail without her permission.
Mr. Augustus Traughton—True ; oh, yes, certainly, but—
I submit—a—a—a—she had fro right to absent herself from
her pails. The law lays it down that negligence—.
Commissioner—The law is that if you will get tipsy and
suffer your dell-pomatumed locks to be made a mop of and
trundled in a pail of milk, you must pay the damage done.
Mr. Augustus Traughton—l most a—a—a—most emphati-
cally asseverate that—a—a my locks, as you are pleased to
term them, are never—a—a—promatumed. It is an absolute
—a—impossibility that my hair (running his fingers through
it) could injure
Commissioner—Was your hair as it now is, when it was
" soused" in Mrs. Jones's milk ?

Mr. Augustus Traughton—Yes. I had—a—a—been out
—a—a—to a party,
Commissioner—Really, then I must say that if your head
was rinsed in the manner described in the pail, the good wo-
man was quite right in not selling the milk.
Mr. Augustus Traughton—l should—a—a—like to know
how—a—the milk could be rendered useless by the—a—a—
scent from my hair—a---
Commissioner—Scent—do you call it ? Do you mean to
tell me that the sousing in a pail of milk of a head of hair
having on it half a pound of mutton fat and lard, would not
spoil it? _ _ .

Mr. Augustus Traughton most solemnly declared that the
bear's grease used by him was " pure Russia,"' and that it
was so innocent that it would not offend the most delicate
stomach.

" Oh! mercy me," exclaimed Mrs. Dorothy Jones, " our
very pigs turned up their noses at the milk, and we were
obliged to throw it into the sink-hole."
Commissioner—What do i-ciu say to that, Mr. Traughton?
" Pigs have very fine noses," said Augustus.
Commissioner—And stomachs too, it appears.
It was ultimately decided that Augustus should pay the
amount claimed.

Augustus asked for " time" in order to pay the 4s. 6d ;
and, upon the commissioner putting a few home questions to
the perfumed gentleman, it, turned out that he was an ex-
ifestminiter grenadier, and that he occasionally assisted his
mother, who was—a laundress.

The Commissioner said he was sure that if Mr. Augustus
Traughton left off using genuine bear's grease he might pay
the money in a week, which he ordered him to do, and Au-
gustus marched out as if he had been ordered towards
Coventry.

THE COBURG LOCUSTS AT COURT.

(From the Age.)

So long since as the 28th of Julp we announced the in-
tended visit of King Leopold to this country—his arrival
proves that our information was correct. As usual, his Ma-
jesty's visit is paid after theyrorogation of Parliament, an
arrangement which adds much to the comfort of his sojourn
here, and proves highly convenient to Lord Melbourne, whose
attendance in the House of Lords sadly interfered with his
dinner-homage at the Palace.
We have frequently stated the reasons which induce Leo-
pold to honour us with his presence—they are purely do-
mestic ; the arrangement of family differences, the settle-
ment of family alliances, and the adjustment f the several
plans for quartering a few more Coburgs upon England,
which is now regarded as a sort of family estate, will doubt-
less occupy his Royal and avuncular consideration. That
worthy and useful person, who so mysteriously journeyed'
over here last Christmas, M. Von Praet, accompanies his Ma-
jesty, and will, of course, take care to be diligent and watch-
ful in his master's service.

We have no fewer than five of the Coburg family visiting
this country. " Where the carcases are, there will the ea-
gles be gathered together." We shall keep close watch upon
their practices.
It cannot, however, be denied that her Majesty is now sur-
rounded by a right goodly set. It must rejoice the Pro-
testants of England to know that the honoured guests of
their Sovereign are the Papist Queen of the Belgians, the
Papist Duke Ferdinand of Saxe Coburg with his two Papist
sons and one Papist daughter, the Papist Earl of Surrey, the
Papist Earl of Fingal!, the Papist Count Mensdorff, the Pa-
pist M. Von Praet ! Perhaps we ought ma to lay much stress
upon this, because we ought to calcuhtte that the high Pro-
testant feeling and religion-founded morality of Lords Mel-
bourne and Headfort will counteract the evil influences of
the above accidental combination. Well, well ! We only
ask the thinking people of England to mark these things.
They can form their own conclusions without our aid, and
thence may they gather. without our suggestions, what it is
probable a year or two may bring forth.