The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1852-06-01 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

A POEM in a southern paper begins, " I've lived upon
thy memory." That is about as bad as Jerry Bryant's
boarding-house feed, where they had nothing for dinner,
and had it warmed over for supper, and what was left
served up the next morning for breakfast.
" How is YOUR WIFE TO-DAY ?" said a friend to a
French gentleman. "Oh ! moche de sem," said he ; " she
is no bettare, and lam 'fraid ver' little waas. If she is
pan to die, I wish she would do it soon ; I feel so unha-
pie—my mind is so moche unsat-tel. Ven she die,
shall not be so moche dissatisfy."
JONATHAN AND JAPAN.—It is said that the American
expedition to Japan will tend to the civilisation of that
country's inhabitants. But will not conveying a polish to
Japan. be something like carrying coals to Newcastle?
And should any resistance be offered to Jonathan, is he
not rather likely to take the shine out of the Japanese?
OLIVER CROMWELL was a staunch Puritan, and could
not brook the least approach to Popery. " What are
these ?" he once inquired, as he saw a dozen silver sta-
tues in the niches of a chapel. " The 12 apostler."
plied the trembling dean. " Take them down," said
Cromwell, " and coin them into money, so that, like
their Master, they may 'go about doing good.' "
AN OPPRESSED MlND.—qt is very seldom that hard-
working people commit suicide—suicide being one of the
accompaniments of soft hands and indolence. The best
thing a girl can take for an oppressed mind is a husband.
An old maid, with " nothing to worry her," will be as
melancholy as dyspepsia—marry her, howe-rer, and make
her the mother of four romping boys, and she will be as
cheerful as sunshine.

A " FRIEND," who rej ,iced in' the name of Comfort,
recently paid his devoirs to a young and attractive Quaker
widow, named Rachel H , Either her griefs were
too new, or her lover too old ;or from some oiler cause
his offer was declined. Whereupon a quaker friend re-
marked that it was the first modern instance he had
known where " Rachel refused to be Comfort-ed l" This
anecdote is only remarkable as beilig the first quaker
pun on record, " Friends" generally lightly regarding
such distortions of " plain language."

Cu ESS.—AN IMPROTIPPTC:
To my .A-feces, with a set of Chessneen.
The box now presented to von, my dear Nieces,
' Start not ! contains Men, though in thirty-two pieces:
But may each of you meet with one perfect and whole,'•
For a partner through hie, with a heart and a soul;
May you each in life's Game e'er successfully move,
And all conquests achieved prove the conquestVof love;
May you ever be able—on banks—to give effeeh;
And may Bishops and Knights bow down atyonrbeck.
,
May Castles surrender whene'er you attack em;
And staunch p,•ove your Men, with your good (44i:eat) back 'emu,
May your fortunes permit you to dwell ha the Squares,
And enjoy life's delights, without tasting its cares;
May you each find a Mate, life's journey to sweeten,
And if mated oft,—may you never be beaten !'
PRINCIPLE.—Lord Erskine was distinguished tbrougs
life for independence of principle, for scrupulous adhe-
rence to truth. He once explained the rules of his con-
duct, which ought to be deeply engraven on every heart.
He said :—lt was a first command and counsel of my
earliest youth always to do what my conscience told me to
be a duty, and leave the consequence to mod.. I shall '
carry with me the memory, and I trust the practice, of
this parental lesson to the grave. I hays- hitherto fol-
lowed it, and have no reason to complain that my obe-
dienca to it has been a temporal sacrifice. Flume found
it, on the contrary, the road to prosperity aod wealth,
and I shall point out the same path-to ray children for
their pursuit."
A REPORTER'S MISTAKE.—Among my other coadju-
tors were Mr. Robinson, also educated for the kirk, and
a quiet man; Mr. Cooper, the author of ar volume of
poetry, which procured him the countenance of the beau-
tiful Duchess of Devonshire ; and Mark Supple, an Irish
eccentric of the first water; he it was, who,. waking out
of an intoxicated dose, and seeing Mr...kbbet on the
Treasury bench (the house being in committee), called
out, " Master Speaker, as you seem to have nothing to
do, I call upon you for a song if ye plan."' The fierce
indignation of the Chair rose hotly against this breach of
privilege, and the Serjeant-at-Arms was sent op to take
the offender into custody ; but Supple adroitly escaped
by pointing out a peaceful quaker, sitting two or three
seats below him, as the culprit, and the affair assumed so
ludicrous an aspecr, that it ended in the worthy broad-
brim being turned out in spite of his-protestations of in-
nocence, and without having fees-to pay.—Austatiography I
of W. Jerdan.

SINGULAR COURTSHIP AND MARRrAGH..—The Rev.
, well known to the literary world,.dreamed that
he was officiating in a strange church, and, whilst so en-
gaged, saw a lady enter whose dress he particularly
noticed : at the same moment some invisible monitor
whispered, " That is the future Mrs. —." The
dream made such an impression on the reverend bachelor,
that he determined to consult a brother clergyman on the
subject. He did so, and was advised to set out upon a
pilgrimage among the rural districts of Warwickshire and
Oxfordshire, as being the localities-abounding in churches
resembling the one represented in the dream. He set-
out, and, after various fortunes, very kindly allowed to,
officiate in some churches, and rudely repulsed from.
others, he was officiating in a country church in Oxford.>
shire, when a lady entered in the dress impressed upon,
his mind. " Onward she came, just as be saw her in his
dream. He inquired her address from the clerk. and,,
immediately after the conclusion of the service, presereeed
himself as the lady and her sister were sitting dome to
tea. He sent in his card, and, being admitted, at caw
commenced—" Madame, you are the future Mrs.
The lady was, of course, much surprised, but gave a par-
tial ear to his story, got over her surprise, made thane-
cessary inquiries, and accepted him as her hue-hand.
When returning home in a gig, he contrived to upeat•the
gig just as he entered his own parish. A friend who saw
the incident, not accident, asked him, " How coeld you
upset the gig ?" " Why, my dear friend, I did it,lo,try
her temper." Such was the process of wooing and wed-
ding by one of the best theologians of modern times !e
SOCIETY AT THE DIGGINGS.—If ever there was .a pure
democracy, it now exists at the Bathust gold mines—pure
as the most penniless possessor of nothing could wish—
purer by far than any spouter of socialism, having any-
thing to lose, ever truly desired ; and infinitely too trans-
cendently pure for the views of those wha.believe that
human society, like a regiment, should be a graduate 4
community. The present state of affairs will not last
long. In another year or two three-fourths of the men
now working on their own account will be the liired la-
bourers of capitalists or companies, and the social equi-
poise will be again restored. At present here are mer-
chants and cabmen, magistrates and convicts, amateur
gentlemen rocking the cradle merely to say they have
done so, fashionable hair-dressers and. tailors, cooks,
coachmen, lawyers' clerks and theirpse i amnadstmeras;ice,olliers,
cobblers, quarrymen, doctors of h
alder-
men, an A.D.C. on leave, scavengers, sailors, shorthand-
writers, a real live lord on his travels—all levelled by
community of pursuit and cosiume. The serge shirt,
leathern belt, Californian hat, and woollen comforter,
with the general absence of ablution and abrasion, leave
the stranger continually in doubt as to which of the above
classes he may be addressing—" What luck, my good
fellow ?" said I to a rough, unshorn, clay-slate com-
plexioned figure, clad in a zebra-coloured Jersey, with
beef boots up to his middle. " \\That luck ?"—" Why,
aw !" replied my new friend, with a lisp and a movement
as if he was pulling up a suppositious gill, " only the-the
at prethent. Our claim was tolewably wemunewative
owiginally, hut it has detewiowated tewibly since the
wains set in !"—Diavolo ! thought I, what euphuist in a
rough husk have we here ? 1 learnt aftewards that this
gentleman is a member of the faculty, and was turning
over more gold as a miner than he had ever done as a
medico. I recognised many familiar faces without being
able to put names to them, so much were their owners
disguised. Some gave me a knowing smile in return for
my inquiring looks ; others favoured me with a wink.
My nerukier, Mr. was doing well; he had served
his time in California. My saddler, Mr. B—, looked
half-starved. It was clear he had better have stuck to
the pigskin—a thing, by
done. The Sydney eo u n toe: rh-- e
thems k wipa ypl eo, rno3
gf tgeeetnj generally
dleyor
um bat saidd, e
to thanbbu
poor quarry-men ; many
e
measuring tape again, and,
peehen,
since have taken measures era,
proper trade, had they not felt • would have long
zsuneine tquart gthn _ their old and
l
bly
refuse
to
engage
them
tguin,_,goAetivemodpeso,y,erbsy,
whom they had deserted at a.l ay,s notice, would probe-
GodfreY,