The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1853-07-26 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

DID you ever know a person to believe you when you
explained how you got a black eye ?
AN UNDERTAKER'S LIVE JOB.—A cabman who does
not approve of sixpenny fares, wishes to know if the law
will bury him now that ithas screwed himdown?—Punch.
A WESTERN EDITOR, in answer to a complaint of a
patron that he did not give news enough, advised him,
when news were scarce, to read the Bible, which he had no
doubt would be news to him.

How TO BECOME A FAVOURITE.--If you wish to make
yourself a favourite with your neighbour, buy a dog and
tie him up in the garden at night. They wont sleep any
all night for thinking of you.
ONE of the latest fashions for gentlemen, is the "barber
pole" pattern for trousers ; the stripes ascend spirally
round the leg, giving the wearer the appearance of a
double-barrelled corkscrew.

Mr GERMAN FRIEND, how long have you been
married " Vel, dat is a ting vat I seldom don't like to
tank about, but ven I does, it seems to be so long as it
never vas."

FIRST IMPRESSIONS.—A child upon whom it would
seem the examples made amongst the animal productions
bad not been lost, upon being taken to visit an aunt,
recently confined with twins, raised the heartless inquiry
of " Which does dear aunty mean to keep I"
STRENGTH APPARENTLY ACCOUNTED FOR.—Not-
withstandinT the small site of the Aztec children, they
are exceedingly strong.
doubtlessly derived this strength from Gymn-aztecs, from.
whom it probably descended in a sttaight line.
"MOTHER, mother, here's Freddy teazing the baby."
" Make him cry again, Freddy, and then mother will give
him some sugar, and I'll take it away from him, then
he'll squall, and mother will give him some more, and you
can take that, and we'll both have some."
Cumostrics.—The chair on which the sun sets. A
garment for the naked eye. The hammer which broke up
the meeting. Buckle to fasten a laughing stock. The
animal that drew the inference. Eggs from a nest of
thieves. A bucket of water from " All's Well."

NOTHING is easier, nor more delightful to most women,
than to pay away money. To see the energy that pervades
all their movements, the light that dances in their eyes
when bound on a shopping excursion, one would think
that the mere act of passing the filthy lucre from hand to
hand has something exhilarating and restorative in it.
A RELIABLE TIMEKEEPER.--" Paddy, honey, will ye
buy my watch now ?" " And its about selling your watch
ye are, Mike ?" " Troth it is darlin'l" " What's the
price ?" " Ten shillings, and a mutchkin of the creature."
"Is the watch a decent one ?" " Sure and I've had it
twenty years, and it never once desaved me!" " Well,
here's your tin ; now tell me does it go well ?" " Bedad
an' it goes faster than any watch in Connaught, Munster,
Ulster, or Leinster, not barring Dublin !" "Bad look to
ye, Mike, you have taken me in ! Didn't you say it never
desaved you ?" " An' I did—nor did it—for I never de.
pended ow it."

A LIKRLY JOKE. According to the Liverpool
Standard, the Irish have been quarrelling amongst them-
selves at Liverpool ; but from our contemporary's version
of the affair, we are inclined to doubt this intrinsically
very improbable circumstance. That narrative states
that the row apparently originated as follows :—" pn
Orangeman complained that a Papist boy had thrown
some dirt at him." Oranzemen never complain ground-
lessly of Papists boys, and Papists boys never throw dirt—
either literally or figuratively. Dirt !—how are they to
come by it? Whoever saw or smelt any such thing as
dirt in any the most remote connexion with a "Papist
boy ?"—Punch.

A MODERN BELLE.—" Love in a cottage, indeed ?"
said Lauretta one day to one of her admirers, a senti-
mental swain. "I do not fancy the picture. A cottage
always reminds me of pigs, and poultry, and dirty
children, and sluttish women, and coats oat at elbows,
and broken windows patched with paper, or stopped with
old hats—things that I hold in utter abomination. Give
me an elegant sufficiency—a handsome house in town,
splendidly furnished, in the most fashionable style—a
dashing equipage—a well-filled casket of jewels—a mag-
nificent wardrobe—a circle of gay and fashionable ac-
quaintances—a wealthy and indulgent husband—and then,
perhaps—l might think of love."
LANCASHIRE WITCHES.—" How strange it is, Sophy,
that you couldn't recollect me ! Maybe it's witchery, for
that has a prodigious effect upon the memory. Do you
believe in witches ?" said I, leaning on my elbow in the
grass, and looking up in her pretty face. " How can I
believe, who never saw one ? Did you ?" " Just come
from a county in England," said I, " that's chockful of
'em." "Do tell me," said she, " what sort of looking
people they are. Little, cross, spiteful, crooked old
women, ain't they ?" " The most splendid galls," sais
I, " mortal man ever beheld—half-angel, half-women,
with a touch of cherubim musical tongues, tele-
graph eyes, and cheeks made of red and white roses.
They'd bewitch old Scratch himself, if he was only to look
on 'em. They call 'em Lancashire witches." " Did
they ever bewitch you ?" she said, laughin'. " Well,
they would, that's a fact ; only I had been bewitched
afore."—Sam Slick.

EXTRAORDINARY NIDIFICATION.—At many railway
stations large balls are run by pulleys and cords, to
intimate, by their being lowered or elevated, when the
way is or is not clear. One of these balls, on the
Ardrossan line, nearKilwinning,lately attracted the notice
of a couple of starlings on matrimonial thoughts inteht.
With much labour they forced their way into the centre,
and proceeded, despite all interruptions, to construct a
nest. The ball has to be lowered and elevated fourteen
times a-day, but this did not interfere with the proceed-
ings of the happy pair, and in due time four eggs were
deposited in the moveable nest. Tho female is still
sitting closely, quite undisturbed by the frequent process
of being let down within a very few feet of the ground,
and raised again, and there is every probability of her
hatching her young.—Dumfries Courier.
LADIES IN AMERICA.—How difficult it is to admire
and appreciate without comparing ! Comparisons are
odious ; but avoid them you cannot, when contrast be-
tween the American and the Creole lady is so strongly
presented to the stranger's observation, as on his intro-
duction to New Orleans society. The poor American
lady is like an exotic plant. In the first place the climate
disagrees with her : she is languid from the heat, and her
good looks rapidly fade. Then she dresses badly, though
expensively : her choice of colours is extensive, but not
good ; and when she is dressed her clothes cling about
her much as you could fancy they would had sho fallen
into the river and had been drawn out again. If she
dances, she does so awkwardly, and a quadrille or two
(for she seldom ventures on a higher flight) soon fatigues
her. The Creole, on the contrary, combines the naivete
of the Spanish girl with the polished elegance of the
French lady, whose toilet she scrupulously imitates ;
though not expensively dressed, her beautifully rounded
figure is attired with an exquisite neatness that makes her
at once the ornament of the opera, and the light and life
of the ball-room. She is passionately fond of dancing, in
the enjoyment of which she is as graceful as she is indefa- '
tigable.—Pallis,r's Solitary Rambles.
STEAM-BOAT RACING.—I must tell you a good story
which is very apropos here. An old lady in Cincinnati
had a quantity of bacon to ship to New Orleans, where
she was going herself to buy supplies. She stipulated
with the captain of a steamer that he should have her
' freight, provided he would not race during the trip. The
captain consented and the old lady came on board.
After the second day out another steamer was seen close
astern,
which the captain had been racing all the
time, andwhi t would every now and then
ogasfatldltaibiyea capklamsasgooasnitngs.ei
side
passengers, as
by
thhigehtewsot excitement
side. At latstsetrnctoleinenttoinlpculreeldavdafyiole,rdpnaaermatraolkying of the excitement,,y
letcalled
that
a tthe l
d captainboa t p andass
u said,s ,
are `3, Captainou..,,, s , you
ya ',nits_ again'halshall
havto
e
But,
tWenilla,dyaomu,catno
to do, madam, as I agreed not to race.':,
just try it a little, that wont hurt." , _ it
tell you the truth, I did." " Gracious ! butd
with
i ttry u
s, a
little more; see, the old boat is almost even
and a loud cheer arose from the passengers on the "old
boat." " I can't raise any more steam, madam, as all
th e
tar and pine knots are burnt up." " Good gracious ;
what shall we do ? See, the old boat is passing us. Is
there nothing else on board that will make steam?
" Nothing, madam,—eh, eh, [as if a new idea struck him,j
except your bacon." " Throw in the bacon," shrieked
the old lady, " throw in the bacon, captain, and beat the
old boat l"--American paper.