The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1853-07-19 00:00:00

VARIETIES.

WHAT makes a lawyer's position so perilous ?—Because
he has other men's deeds to answer for as well as his own.
t MEN in a passion should be treated like kettles—when
they boil over they should be taken off.

----
RETORT.—" I go through my work," as the needle
said t) the idle boy. " But not till you are hard pushed,"
as the idle boy said to the needle.

A BACHELOR has left a boarding-house, in which were
a number of very plain featured women, on account of
the miserable fair set before him at the table.

A CORRESPONDENT of the Boston Museum says—" If
a dog's tale is kut awf intirely, would it interfear with
his lowcomotion ?" Answer—Not exactly ; it would not
affect his carriage, but it would entirely stop his uraggin'.
A belle's face, in the singular bonnet of a score of years
since, was like a rose at the bottom of a coal scuttle.
Now, it stands forth from her bonnet like that rose
bursting from the bud.

AN AX102.1 IN ACOUSTICS.—In order for the acoustic
properties of a theatre to have fair play, the house should
be empty—i. e. for an opera to be heard properly, there
should be nobody to hear it. Handel has been heard to
console his friends, when the curtain drew up and showed
an empty house, by saying, " Never mind, the music
will sound the better."

ONE of the admirers of Richard Coeur de Lion at-
tempts to portray him as a humourist, quoting the follow-
ing anecdote—When the Pope Celestine wrote to remon-
strate with him for keeping " his son," the Bishop of
Beauvais, in prison, Richard returned for answer the
bishop's coat of mail, with the text from the Vulgate,
" See whether this be thy son's coat or no."

AN IRISH PLEA.—Some very " pretty fooling" has
been elicited by a question of informal pleading raised in
the case of Streetry a. the Professional Insurance Com-
pany. in which it appeared that the defendants had
pleaded that judgment bad been signed without their
knowledge, " behind their backs." The judges took ex-
ception to this figurative way of pleading, and Mr. Justice
Maule requested Serjeant Byles to inform him whether
it would be a good plea that the plaintiff " hadn't a leg to
stand upon." The same facetious judge related a case
within his experience, in which a woman had sworn by
affidavit that she was put into such fear that she could
have crept into a nutshell, and verily believed she would
have done so if it had not been for the interposition of a
third party.

A RICH ANECDOTE is told of an amusing colloquy that
took place between a Boston exquisite, reeking with hair
oil and eau de Cologne, who was " peming" the waiters,
and otherwise assuming very consequential airs, and a
raw Jonathan, who sat by his side dressed in homespun.
Turning to his " vulgar" friend, the former pointed to
his jewelled finger and said, " Butter, sah !" " I see it
is," coolly replied Jonathan. "Butter, sah," fiercely
repeated the dandy. "I know it—very good—first-rate
article." provokingly replied the homespun. " Butter, I
tell you!" thundered the exquisite, in still louder tones,
pointing with slow, unmoving finger, and scowling upon
his neighbour, as if he would annihilate him. " Well,
gosh all Jerusalem, what of it ?" yelled the countryman,
getting his dandruff up in return; " Yer don't think I
took it for lard, do ye ?"

NOVEL ILLUSTRATION OF COURTlNG.—Courtin' a
gall, I guess, is like catchin' a young horse in the pastor.
You put the oats in a pan, hide the halter, and soft-saw-
der the critter, and it comes up softly and shyly at first,
and puts its nose to the grain, and gets a taste, stands
off and munches a little, looks round to see that the coast
is clear, and advances cautious again, ready for a go if
you are rough. Well, you soft•sawder it all the time :
so-so, pet! gerktly, pet! that's a pretty doll! and it gets
to kind a like it, and comes closer, and you think you
have it, make a grab at its mane, and it ups head and
tail, snorts, wheels short round, lets go both hind feet
at you, and off like a shot. That comes of being in a
hurry. Now, if you had put your hand up slowly to-
wards its shoulder, and felt along the neck for the mane,
it might perhaps have drawed away, as much as to say,
hands off, if you please ; I like your oats, but I don't
want you, the chance is you would have caught it. Well,
what's your play, now you have missed it ? Why, you
don't give chase, for that only scares a critter; but you
stand still, shake the oats in the pan, and say, cope, cope,
cope! and it stops, looks at you, and coma up again,
but awful skittish, stretches its neck out ever so far,
steals a few grains, and then keeps a respectful distance.
Now, what do you do then ? Why, shake the pan and
move slowly, as if you were goin' to leave the pastur and
make for hum ; when it repents of bein' so distrustful,
comes up, and you slips the halter on.—Sam Slick's
Wise Saws and Modern Instances.

STATE OF THE GOVERNMENT HEALTH.

The anxiety which has been generally felt in consequence
of the critical disorder to which several members of the
royal family have recently been subjected, and under
which some of them are still suffering, has diverted the
public mind from the sanitary condition of the govern-
ment, which appears, however, to have occasioned, of
late, considerable uneasiness to the friends and supporters
of the present administration. The Morning Advertiser,
a highly liberal and progressive journal, and therefore,
we conclude, in the confidence of several members of
the existing cabinet, authentically alarmed the world at
the beginning of the week by publishing a regular bulletin
of the health of Whitehall and Downing-street. The
fact is, the constitution of the government is not very
strong, and it was originally ordered by its medical
attendants to try a milder climate. Nice, we believe,
was mentioned. It suffered very much in the earlier part
of the session, from a series of bad nights; but as the
spring advanced it seemed to rally, and its friends were
very sanguine of its permanent establishment. Of late,
however, it has experienced relapse. The prevalence of
easterly blasts has, no doubt, been very trying for it. Sir
Henry Holland and Dr. Ferguson have, we understand,
been called in since the appearance of the bulletin of the
Morning Advertiser. The indisposition of the various
members of the Cabinet takes, we hear, a very different
form, though they are all in some degree suffering. That
of Lord Palmerston is an indisposition to go down to his
office ; while that of Lord Clarendon, on the other hand,
is an indisposition to believe that the Russians have taken
possession of the principalities. The indisposition of Mr.
Gladstone to comprehend that the Exchequer Bills are at
a discount is, we are assured, extremely painful. Lord
John Russell's late attack was entirely indisposition to
acknowledge that he was no longer the Leader of the
House of Commons. Sir William Molesworth's com-
plaint is, that unfashionable people will persist in con-
sidering him a radical ; while the complaint of the Duke
of Newcastle is, that he is not Leader of the House of
Lords. The Duke of Argyll's indisposition to follow any
opinion except his own increases daily ; while the infir-
mityposit
ioofn Mt
or .
ring i cine
his HResr. b e rHt
s un consistscle,
merely
Count
wofoarnoninzdoiws:
the Governor of Odessa, has recommended him to prac-
tisedaily " God save the Emperor of Russia," we hear,
with the beat effect. Lord Aberdeen's late attack was
entirelyindigestion, a surfeit of Caviare : tincture of
Turkey rhubarb is the remedy recommended by the
faculty, but his Lordship has a great repugnance to it.—
The Press.

JOSEPH SMALES has been convicted of having, on the
13th of March last, at Swillington, near Leeds, cut and
wounded his daughter, Isabella Smales, in the most fero-
cious manner, and sentenced to ten years' transportation.
A " ScENa" took place in the Vice-Chancellor's Court,
on Monday. A nurse and her husband openly resisted an
order of his lordship to deliver up a child to the custody
Man appointed guardian, and force had to be resorted to.
The nurse's husband was taken into custody.