The Liverpool Standard and General Commercial Advertiser.
Liverpool, Merseyside, England, 1839-01-08 00:00:00

MR. PETER PUNCTILIO,
THE GENTLEMAN IN BLACK.

(FROM BENTLEY'S MISCELLANY.)

At the window of a private sitting-room in the Bell Hotel.
Cheltenham, stood a young couple, so immediately conti-
guous, that it was plain to see they were attached to one
another. .

Suddenly the fair one started from the pleasant bondage
of her swain, exclaiming, " See! yonder comes my guardian,
as 1 live! Quick ! Hide yourself, for Heaven's sake!"
" Hide myself!" replied the cavalier, retreating from the
window. " Egad, if your old governor catch me here, he'll
hide me, I'm thinking !"
" Av !" said the lady, "that he will, with a vengeance!"
" With a stick, more likely !" retorted the gent, who never
lost an opportunity fora joke.
"There ! there !—don't stand trifling now !" returned his
lady-love, "but find some place of concealment, do!"
"'That's all very line, but there's no lodging here," said
he. " Where shall I dispose myself ?"
" Stay !—I have it !—behind this board !" exclaimed she,
removing that which stood before the chimney. " You'll
never be discovered there."

" Behind that P." cried the gent, " why, d—me ! but that
will be lodging and board too! and, egad, when I come ,out,
I suspect you'll have to provide me with washing into the
bargain."

" Pshaw !" ejaculated his inamorata; " in with you, and
mind you keep yourself quiet, or you'll spoil all," and
she showed him the way to his dingy domicile.
"Never fear," replied the swain, entering the sooty recess;
" I 'll be as silent as an oyster with—" And the fair dam-
sel cut short the gentleman's simile by replacing the board
before the chimney. She then hastened towards her piano,
and commenced singing a little canzonet, the words of which,
it is but justice to state, bad been written for her, to one of
her favorite airs, by the gentleman in the chimney.
The young lady had but just finished the canzonet, when
Mr. Solid, her guardian, entered.
"Bravo!" he exclaimed; " bravo, Cecilia!" (for that was
the name of his ward.) "In high spirits—eh, merry one ?
Come, this is as it should be! I have something important
to communicate to you."
"Something important," repeated Cecilia. "Oh, do let
me hear it, Sir!"

"Well, then," said Mr. S., "first tell me candidly how
should you like to make your debut in the pleasant little
comedy of ' Matrimony,' eh ?"
" Why, truly, Sir," she replied with naivete, " I should
have no objectiou to throw up the part of The Country Girl,'
and appear in the character of The wife,' provided that I
felt convinced that my performance would meet with apppro-
bation. It must be either a lat or a Miss with me, sir."

" Indeed !" cried Solid; "then to be serious, I have found a
person, who, I have no doubt, will be perfectly to your taste;
none of your wild, harum-scarum, racketty fetlowsof the pre-
sent day, but a steady, rich, middle-aged gentleman. There
's a chance for you! What d' ye say to that ?"
"Why, Sir," returned Cecilia, " that the darts of Cupid
must be feathered with affection, and nut merely tipped with
gold, in order to penetrate my bosom. No!" she added
archly, "the only arrows that can find their way to my heart
are those which spring from my own beau."
" From your own beau!" echoed Mr. Solid. "And, pray,
Miss, who may this beau of your's be ?" •
" f your steady, rich, middle-aged gentleman were here,
do you know what answer I should make?" inquired Ce-
cilia.

A saucy one, I'll be bound," returned her guardian.
"I should say to him," she added, "my beau, sir, unlike
those of old, is not yew."
"Very pretty, indeed, Miss!" exclaimed Mr. Solid.
"Very pretty! But, perhaps, you will be obliging enough
to tell me the name of this most favoured swain of yours."
Oh, certainly, Sir," replied the young lady; "Mr.
Frank Forage."
" So! Mr. Frank Forage is it, Miss ?" coolly exclaimed
Mr. Solid. "And, may be, you will now further inform me
what are that gentleman's means of living, for, d—me, if I
could ever find that out."

" He says he is a man of private property, Sir," replied
Miss C.

"Private property!" repeated her guardian. "Yes; so
especially private, that nobody as yet ever saw anything of it.
Egad ! he's an independent gentleman in the fullest sense of
the word, for he certainly has nothing to depend upon."
"But surely you do not intend to say, Sir," remonstrated
Cecilia, "he has no fortune at all ?"

" I don't mean to say any'such thing," returned Mr. Solid.
"On the contrary, I think his fortune very good; for I verily
believe the poor devil has nothing but his good fortune to trust
to for a dinner every day."
Mr. Solid was right. Mr. Frank Forage, the gentleman
in question, and in the chimney, was a professed wit, a being
who lived upon his brains ; one of those visionaries, who,
like the alchemists of old, endeavoured to transmute the
base metal of their cerebra into precious gold.
"Let me hear no more of this jackanapes, I beg," said
Mr. 8. " I want to speak to you upon a subject which deeply
'concerns you."

" Well, Sir, proceed. lam all attention."
You are well aware that it was ever the wish of your late
father that you should marry it.to the family of the Punc-
tilio's," said Solid.
Cecilia confessed that she had understood such to be the
case.
"Then I have to inform you that I have received by this
morning's post," he continued gravely, "a letter from Mr.
Peter Punctilio, a gentlemen of whom report speaks most
highly, a thorough man of business, the pattern of precision
indeed, a perfect human chronometer; as you will perceive
when I tell you that he promises to be with me this day ex-
actly at three-and-twenty minutes past four, p.m. There's
punctuality for you!"
"It will be indeed!" replied Cecilia, laughing, "if (and
she laid a strong stress upon the hypothetical monosyllable)
he only performs what he promises.'
"IF!'' echoed Solid, with an equally forcible emphasis.
" What, do you doubt it, then ? Ah, had you heard but one
half what I have respecting his precision, you would not be
very sceptical upon this point. Why, he's as regular as the
trade-winds!"
" But, la, Sir!" said his ward, "there are so matey little
circumstances that may happen to prevent any one keeping
an appointment to the minute; for instance, the wheel of the
coach might come off."
" Well, then he would take a post-chaise, and come on,"
replied Solid.
rehaw !" ejaculated Cccillo, " I/ Lit Ur 1110 might
turn restive, and throw the post-chaise over."
"No matter !" exclaimed her imperturbable guardian, "it
might throw the post-chaise over, but still it couldn't throw
him over his time."
"But dear me!" cried Cecilia, "there are fifty things. He
might break his leg by the accident."
" He might break his leg, to be sure," replied Solid; "but,
nevertheless, he wouldn't break his appointment into the
bargain. In short, so convinced am I, from the accounts I
have had of his character, that he will be here to the very
moment he has named, that, hang me! if I wouldn't stake
my existence upon it."
Cecilia saw directly that this positiveness on 'the part of
her guardian might be turned to advantage.
" Well, Sir !" she said, "since you are so thoroughly con-
vinced of Mr. Punctilio's infallibility, perhaps you will pro-
mise to consent to my marriage with Mr. Frank Forage,
provided Mr. P. be not in those apartments one half hour
after the time he has specified."
" Consent to your marriage with Mr. Frank Forage! A v !"
exclaimed the confident old Gentleman, "or with the chim-
ney-sweep at the corner of the next street, if you like, on
such a condition."
" You will remember then, Sir," returned Cecilia, " if Mr.
Peter Punctilio be half an hour behind his appointment, I
have your permission to choose a husband for myself."
" Half an hour behind his appointment! Ay !" he ex-
claimed, "even if he be a quarter. But don't be deluding
yourself with the vain hope of Mr. Punctilio's breaking his
word. The thing is utterly impossible, I tell you. You
might, with just as much reason, expect the sun to oversleep
himself to-morrow morning, and not make his appearance
above the horizon until noonday." And, so saying, he dashed
out of the room in no slight passion to find his ward so in-
credulous upon a point which he believed as strongly as Holy
Writ.
Cecilia no sooner heard the outer door of their apartment
close, than she flew to liberate her poor prisoner.
"Come out, Frank," she said as she removed the board
from the chimney. " You may quit your dingy quarters now
without fear."
"Quarters do you call them !" exclaimed the jocular Mr.
Forage; " hang me if it isn't a complete hole ! But, how do
I look ? Not particularly grimy, am I, eh ?"
" You're as unsullied as a wedding-gown," was the laconic
reply of his lady-love. " But tell me," she continued, " you
overheard our conversation, did you not?"
"I did, my love, but it was with no little difficulty,—for,
not being endowed with the property of übiquity, it was na-
turally no very easy task for you to make me hear when I
was there, you know. Ha! ha! not so bad that, I flatter
myself."
Mr. Frank Forage had a strange way of laughing at, and
complimenting himself upon, his own jokes.
" It is a hit I must allow," said Cecilia approvingly.
" That is, you mean to say, it isn't a-miss. Come, I've
heard worse than that, too, in my time."
" What, still at your puns, eh, Frank ?"
" Ah ! your old guardian may rail as he pleases at your
professed wits, but let me tell you punning is decidedly eco-
nomical."
" Economical !" echoed the astonished Cecilia. " How
so, I prithee ?"
" Why, not only is it an economy of language—making
one word convey two meanings," replied the wit; " but it
i; also very economical in a financial point of view, saving
one the expense of sundry breakfasts, dinners, teas, and
suppers."
" . What! a pun save you the expense of a meal?" ex-
. . .

claimed his lady-love, more surprised than before.
" Ay," returned Frank. " You won't belive it, perhaps;
but I existed the whole of yesterday upon one bon-mot, two
conundrums, and a theatrical anecdote; made my dejeunee
off the !..on-rnot, dined heartily upon the theatrical anecdote,
and had a nice light supper with the two conundrums Few
persons have any idea of the pickings of a smart jets d'esprit.
You recollect that joke of mine upon a linen-draper affixing
WARRANTED FAST COLOURS' to some cheap printed cot-
tons in his window, that the colours were doubtless so fast
that they'd run! and a very good one it is, too, though I say
it. Nuw, you'd hardly believe it, but that very joke has
been, 1 assure you, a matter of no less than two breakfasts,
five dinners, and several suppers to me."
" Two breakfasts, five dinners, and several suppers !" ex-
claimed Cecilia. " Pray explain yourself."
" Why, by getting me the reputation of being a smart,
clever fellow, and so obtaining for me sundry invitations out.
But I will give you a case in point," continued the loquaci-
ous Frank. " The other morning I was breakfasting with a
party of jolly fellows at Sir Harry flardup's, when our wor-
thy host was thrown into a state of great trepidation by a very
suspicious and bailiff-like ring at the bell. Who the devil
can that be ?' cried Some beggar or Vother, depend
upon it,' I replied.—` Flow do you know ?' he inquired.—
' Because,' said 1, he came with a ring, and, consequently,
must be a fellow without cc rap!'—None so dusty that, 1 think.
Well, the joke took like wildfire. I was declared a damned
amusing fellow. Sir Harry begged I would stop to dinner.
One of his friends requested I would honour hint with my
company to supper; another pressed me to come and take
wine with hint ; a third presented me with his card, and as-
sured me he should be happy to see me at any time; in fact,
there was not a single person present front whom 1 did not
receive some invitation or other"

A very ingenious mode of living, truly," responded the
young lady. " But what, in the name of Alomus, could have
made you adopt so strange a :node of getting your bread ?"

" A circumstance which happened to me at school," re-
plied Frank, "and which proving to me, as it did, the power
of a pun, was, I believe, the prinks cause of my embracing
my present profession. I was studying the art of penman-
ship—an art, by-the-by, in which I did anything but flourish ;
come, that isn't so very bad, either; and had perpetrated a
most miserable phalanx of pot-hooks, when my tutor came
behind me, and, perceiving the rudeness of iny attempt, raised
the little round Lit of mahogany appertaining to masters of
the craft, in order to give me a knock on the sconce. I saw
his intention, and, arresting his arm, exclaimed, ' Don't
strike me, sir! I'm a Republican.'—' A Republican !' re-
sponded he. What do you mean by that?'—' Why, Sir,'
1 replied, I have a treat objection to have a ruler over my
head!'—` Excellent, was it not ? It had the dewed effect.
He laughed heartily at my joke, and for the smartness of my
tongue overlooked the awkwardness of my fingers. This
made a great impression upon me; so much so, that when
my father kicked the bucket—that is, went out of the pale
of society—that will do, I think—and left me nothing but my
wits to depend upon, I thought that, since a pun had stood
my friend in one instance, I saw no just cause or impedi-
ment why it should not in another; and, as punning for a
dinner seemed preferable to whistling for one. although by
the latter expedient one would have been sure of a good blow•
o-,a—rather brilliant, that, for an- off•ban der—l determined to