The Sun.
London, England, 1850-05-02 00:00:00

MA Y 2, lB5O.

PUNCH'S HANDBOOK TO HER

MAJESTY'S THEATRE.

Leaving for awhile the regions of royalty, we descend
far a moment to the floor of the house, a floor which Mr.
John O'Connell, cf moribund notoriety, might be ex-
cused for a desire to die upon. The floor to which we
allude is the parterre of her Majesty's Theatre—a par-
terre abounding in flowers, some of which are of the
most exquisite beauty, some a little full-blown, some
rather faded, and a few that might be weeded out with
advantage to the general appearance of the locality.
Among the flowers of the parterre there is a slight
sprinkling of the Pinks of elegance; a large assortment
of the White Stocks, Which give a sort of starched regu-
larity to the scene; a. strip or two of London Pride;
and a goodly collection of those highly respectable
tenants of the soil, that, although neither forced in the
hot-beds of luxury, nor connected with the old roots of
venerable :icest' at trees, are a very favourable specimen
of the productions of the land in which they flourish.
There may be occasionally remarked in the parterre
the sudden appearance of an object surmounted with a
hat, an object which is always looked upon in the light
of a searecrow ameng the surrounding flowers. Some-
times the pleasing aspect of the place is impaired by the
waddling in of a pair of ducks; but though ducks are
not positively prohibited from entering the parterre,
there is about them the awkward air of rune aces, and
they are very seldom met with.
The visitors to the realms of Opera in the height of
the season include all the competent parts of that vast
mass commonly termed Society, the analyration ofwhich
would be a process almost too vast for the resources of
chemistry, even were we disposed to submit society to
all the various tests. Within the realms of Opera, how-
ever, there are some wonderful combinations of various
qualities and properties, which amalgamate only here, as
if there was something in the solening and refining air
of the place which blends into harmony those matters,
which are antagonistic everywhere else.
We find, for instance, in her Majesty's Theatre, the
laws of political chemistry suspended, as it were, in the
rigorous harshness of their operation, for we witness
the correction of Protectionist Acidity, the fusion of
Whig Oil with Radical Vinegar, and the easy mixture
of the Sublimate cf Aristccratic Alkali with the com-
mon Potash of the numerous essential extracts of which
Society is formed. It is difficult to account for this
phenomenon, when we remember that there is in the
social structure a chilly ingredient which seldom can be
got above freezing point, and our only solution is, that
in the genial sunshine of the realms of Opera, every
quality is held for the time in solution by means of that
liquid harmony we have already spoken of, which could
melt the snow that caps the summit of that Mountain, in
his own opinion, and Molehill in other people's—an up-
start Lord. _ _ _ _ _ _

Besides the neutralisation of political acids, the eva-
poration of aristocratic airs, the giving off of vapours
which are invariably dissipated at the Opera, and other
great chemical results of the delightful climate, all lead-
ing to the harmonious blending of a variety of naturally
repugnant parts, we may look upon many of the boxes
as little laboratories themselves, for the formation of
other unions of a still more delicate kind. Here
is carried on the great science of Maternal Alchemy, the
art of match-making, which consists in the happy com-
bination of objects possessing various properties, as dis-
tinguished from the unhappy combination of objects.pos-
sessing no property at all. The mysteries of Maternal
Alchemy are practised with immense success in
the regions of Opera, where they can be car-
ried on with far more effect than in that most laborious of
laboratories, a crowded drawing-room, where the fair
practitioner finds herself, after all, in the position of an
exhausted receiver, with no satisfactory result achieved.
In an Opera-box the best ingredients required for
match-making can be used to the best advantage, and
we might, without difficulty, furnish a manual of mater-
nal chemistry for the guide of those desirous of prac-
tising the art. For instance, we might suggest a pro-
cess like the following, which has often been adopted
with success. Having found the objects you :wish to
bring into union, you must place them together in the
same box. Use a good quantity of the essential oil of
Macassar, for capillary attraction has been known to
exercise a very powerful influence, and, by the means
of these oils, external properties have been made to sup-
ply the place of a vacuum within. With the materials
for combustion thus prepared, you must be careful to
prevent contact with ordinary sparks, lest spontaneous
combustion should take place in a quarter for
which you were not prepared. In making up
your mind as to the object you are about to introduce
for the purpose of union, you must take care that, in
selecting anybody, you select one that is—in chemical
language—a solvent, for if you should happen to bit upon
an in-solvent, not only would your labour be thrown
away, but a terrible explosion might ensue, and, in any
union that should take place, both the objects would be
kept constantly in hot water through the inability of one
of them to liquidate. The ascertaining a body to be a
solvent is a very delicate process, and it is sometimes
attempted by the application of a variety of tests, which,
however, are not always to be relied upon, for several
bodies have been known, when under the melting opera-
tion, to give out a quantity of gold, of which there may
have been a little loose upon the surface, without
its being a fixed property of the object, which has
turned out to be anything but a solvent at last.
There are numerous properties favourable to the for-
mation of a matrimonial union, but care must be taken
that these ,properties are mot ,neutralised by others.
of a different kind. The extract of roses in the com-
plexion has, for instance, been frequently known to fail,
in consequence of its being made up of some deleterious
compound when nature has failed to furnish the usual
supply; and the pearliest of teeth will go for nothing, if
the speech is sour, for vinegar will dissolve the finest
pearls. In matrimonial, as in other chemistry, the re-
tort is serviceable when used with discretion, but a re-
tort must on no account whatever bo so negligently ma-
naged as to lead to an explosion, or blow-up. The
theory of refraction and reflection is also to be studied
by the match-making experimentalist, for, in giving out
rays of light or sunshine from the countenance, it is use-
less to give them out upon anybody of such density
that the rays do not penetrate; but when a refraction
takes place, and one object consequently becomes re-
fractory, the other object has a tendency to reflection,
and no union is formed. The maternal alchemist has,
however, only to manage matters with care and pru-
dence, for success to crown her efforts, and, though the
machinery is rather expensive—consisting of the cost of
a box, to form what may be called "the plant"—the re-
sult is generally achieved in a single season, after which
the laboratory may be given up for a repetition of
similar experiments by other hands. Having carried
our remarks on the chemistry of matrimonial combina-
tions to a considerable length, we will pause, lest we
make the reader feel as if his head were a mortar, and
every paragraph we pour into it a fresh drug. In treat-
ing of the physical aspects of our subjects, we have got
for a time into a sort of Apothecaries' Hall, which we
hasten to get out of, and to return to Her Majesty'„
Theatre, where we hope to be found aria by the leader
next week.—Punch.