The Express.
London, England, 1866-12-08 00:00:00

SIMILES.

(From Punch's Pocket Book for 1867.)
It is a painful thing to think that in this rapid
age we don't know what we're talking about. The English
language is in a transition state, and the slang of the pre-
sent will be the polished phraseology of the future. It is
then, at this moment, for us to sift our conversations. Let
us ascertain our true meaning, if any, and attempt to fix
it once and for ever. Thus, in the matter of similes. Our
similes, in ordinary use, are, all of them, more or less poeti-
cal • yet in some glaring instances so daringly fanciful as to
baffle the purist, and defy the lexicographer. A young
friend of mine wishes to put, forcibly, before me the fact
that his co-collegian is leading a reckless, spendthrift life.
How does he express it ? Thus : " He's going it like Old
Boots."
Who is Old Boots' What is Old Boots' I pause for a
reply : and I don't get it. That Boots when they are old
do " go" very fast I sin aware • but they don't go
What does " it" stand for' Again I pause for a reply,and
again lam disappointed. " It," some one opines, is " the
[ pace :" au ingenious suggestion, but no explanillation as
s
anyone, conversant with racing metaphor, w real
allow. Let that pass.
The same ides my young friend also Intends to convey
to me when, by explaining his first simile, he ma
one
kes use
of a second, and says, that Sounds" "is going it like
o'clock." So we get two equal terms—" One o'clock" and
" Old Boots." Now, in the language of the future, will
these be synonymous' and when anybody wishes to
in-
quire the time, supposing it to be fifty minutes past mnight, will the intelligible answer be, "It' just
and ten
minutes to Old Boots ? Again I pause for a reply,
again none is forthcoming.
What state of moral rectitude is expressed in the simile,
"As right as ninepence" ? Why should thei
lifelessness of
mutton and door-nails be proverbial ? I give t up. What
is a Grig ? What makes it, whatever it is, so peculiarly

merry ?
Is Mr. Punch, that stern censor and moralist, always in
f such a state of ecstatic delight with everything and every-
body, than no higher degree o pleasure can Ire imaz,ined
than to be " as pleased as Punch"
The coolness of Cucumbers I admit to be intelligible ;
while "as hot as blazes" has a definite meaning. What
period of time is meant by "Till all's blue"? and, to travel '
out of the record for a second or so, what part of time is
" • ?
jiffy"
" As jolly as a ssndboy" conveys no notion whatever of
hilarity to my mind. " Drunk as a lord" is evidently the
malicious invention of a red-republican ; certainly not of •
publican; while "Drunk as a fiddler" is simply • libel
upon all violinists. I remain, poinsinz for
LIKE W replie__,, y
INKIN.ours,

Viscount Hamilton and the Marquis of Bland
ford, who accompanied the Prince of Wales to Russia,
have not returned with him, the former having been left
behind at Paris, and the latter at St. Petersburg.
The witnesses appointed to represent the Em-
peror at the approaching accouchement of the Princess
Clothilde are the Duke de Magenta and the Duke de Per-
signy ; but the latter, being at present unwell, will pro-
b ibly be replaced by M. Bonjean, senator. Besides, there
will be present, as on similar occasions, the ministers of
state and of justice, as likewise the vicar of the Tuileries.
The following are the railroads in Russia, viz.:—
From St. Petersburg to Moscow, Tsartkoe, Peterhoff, and
Warsaw ; from Moscow to Nijni-Novgorod, Riesan, and
Jaroilaw ; from IVilna to the Prussian frontier ; from
Riga to Dunaberg ; and from Odessa to Balta. A line is
forming from Moscow to Orel and Kourak, and lines are
contemplated between Dunsberg and Orel rid Vitesk, and
between Poti and Bakon rut ltifly.
The conflict between the civil and ecclesiastical
authorities upon the marriage question in Italy has just
bad amusing results. It has been discovered that certain
ladies, residing in the Southern provinces, the widows of
government officials, and who, as such, were entitled to
the receipt of a pension, had contracted fresh matrimonial
obligations without ceasing to make teir usual half-yearly
application to the Treasury. In due h
course, the facts, or
part of them, came to light, and the payment was dis-
puted. The ladies, however, insisted that, as they were
married simply by a priest, without conforming to the
conditions required by the law, which regards the eivi.
contract only as binding, they were still, strictly speak-
ing, widows, and consequently, entitled' to draw their
allowances as before. They were, in fact, living in a state
of concubinage, and as no provision had been made for
such cases the autho•ities were fain to submit, and the
pensions have been paid.
The late Mrs. Francis Ann Williams, of Wanda-
worth, whose will has just been proved under 90,0001.,
leaves the following charitable bequests, namely-5,000f.
to St. George's Hospital, to be expended towards the
building of a ward to the hospital or for general pur-
poses ; and 500 f. to each of the undermentioned in-
stitutions :—The Hospital for Sick Children, Great Or-
mond-street ; the Hospital for hteurables, Putney-heath ;
the Medical Benevolent College, Epsom ; Cancer Hoe.
pital, Brompton ; National Benevolent Institution ; Go-
vernesses' Benevolent Institution ; and to lady Morrison's
Fund of the Infant Orphan Asylum, W instead ; and she
I bequeaths to each of her godchildren a legacy of 1,0001.
The following notice was issued yesterday at
Cambridge :—" The Lady Margaret's Professor of Divinity
(Professor Selwyn), with deep thankfulness to Almighty
God for restoration to health, proposes to resume his
interrupted lectures in the ensuing Lent Term."
Herr Joachim is carrying everything before him
in Paris, as no violinist has done for many a long year.
It is said that Dr. Wylde has purchased the
German Bazaar in Langham-plaoe, with the view of
building a music-school there, and, in connexion with
it, a concert-room and • theatre.