The Express.
London, England, 1854-01-04 00:00:00

A CURTAIN LECTURE ON THE BEARD.

(Frew the North British Mad.)

Tins: Haltpast Eleven. Scene . A Darkened Dedclumber
—Mrs. Darling distinct'', heard.

And so, Mr. Darling, you have joined the heard
movement. " Who told me that ?" I don't require any
one to tell me what I see with my own eyes. Are you not
shaving less and less every morning—is it not quite turned
the corner of your chin already and a pretty figure you
are making of yourself. I'm not blind, Mr. Darling;
see plainly what you are aiming at, and I must put a stop
to your folly. " Can I prove it to be Lily " Perhaps
won't give myself that trouble. All that I have got to say
is—if you wish to keep pout in the hctuie, you will shave
to-morrow morning just as you used to do ; for you may dr
pend upon it you shan't go about with your chin like a dirty
shoe-brush, so long as I keep my senses, whatever may be
your mad notions. "It won't be long in the shoe•brush stage,
you say 2" No, I gnus not, if my scissors keep on their
hinges. Master David Copperfield tried hard to sleep with,
one eye open, and could not manage it ; so you will require
to be a great deal smarter than him ; for, if you don't sleep
with both eves open, your facial ornament, as you call it,
will be trimmed a little. "1 Lad better not touch it I"
Well, you can easily prevent me from touching it by
shaving it right away to-morrow morning. You had
better make up your mind at once, Mr. Darling. "Your
mind is made up; you will shave no more 1" We shall
see, Mr. Darling—we shall see. A fine hedgehog notion'
this beard reform is; but I see plainly what it all
means. The lords of creation mean to assort their
ferocious dignity; they mean to overawe their better
halves with what aunt Dina calls their " har ;" and they
will succeed, oh yes, when they shake their beards.
Smooth.chinned, female women, will tremble; they will
think of calves in lion's skins; how could they ? I
say, Mr. Darling, it won't do, so you had better give It up
at once. What does Mr. Clarke say about this beard in-
sanity ? " Mr. Clarke quite approves of the beard." He
does ? that is vesy like him. He approves, but catch him
wearing his—eatch him malting a speculation of himself
all over the City. Oh, Mr. Darling, but you are simple,
to let yourself be made the eatspew by a poor sneak
like Clarke ; but it's of muse me speaking, Mr. Darling ;
if your two-faced friend approves, why don't he abandon
the razor "He admits he boa not the requisite
courage ?" Oh yes, Mr. Darling, I see, and you
have the courage; you are very brave; you are to be.
come a beard champion, warring with popular prejudice;
you are quits a Samson. By the way, that strong
man was shorn by his wife ; but you, Mr. Darling, are
quite above female influence. " You will convert me."
Very like: I am very easily converted—you can roll me
round your finger. " How can I get over the physiological
argument for the beard—the protection of the lungs ? "
I know this, Mr. Darling, people were far stronger in the
good old times, when they did not know that they had
lungs. The lungs, indeed ! There's a good one. I won-
der what is to become of women's lungs if beards are
needed for their protection? " Women who do not
get husbands to protect their luugs are generally
supplied by nature with beards ?" That argument.
Mr. Darling, is very far fetohed, though there is
some truth in it; but I say, Mr. Darling, you will shave
at any rate for a while, until beards are a little more
fashionable, and then I don't are how long you let it
grow. Suppose now, Mr. Darling, you bad a baby to
christen, how could you rise up before the whole congrega-
tion like a Grand Turk! " You could do it nicely 2" Well,
I believe you could; but think of my feelings, as the whis-
pering and tittering would be going on ; you know they
would have no hesitation in saying that your wife was
surely far from particular. "They might say the same
about their greatest grandmother live, for certainly Adam
wore his beard," you say. Weil, Mr. Darling ; that se, 110
doubt, true, but the fashions of the garden of Eden would
not exactly suit our times. For instance, the apron of
►eaves would be even worse received than the Bloomer cos-
tume. I can tell you, Mr. Darling, if you don't shave, you
will be seeing your portrait in Punch some of these days.
"That would not vex you. Punch &I like the rest of us;
it's anything to earn a crust with him; but he is not
vicious against the beard." Well, if he isn't, I am, to Mr-
Darling, you will just make up your mind to shave like
other decent people ; for I know this, if beards are to be-
come fashionable, they will do so without you making a
martyr of yourself. "How would I like to have my head
shaved to please popular prejudice ?" Well, Mr. Darling,
I see you are not inclined to listen to reason, so you will
just require, like Mrs. Dombey, to make an effort: yes.
Mr. Darling, you will require to snake an effort to sleep
with both eyes open, for my mind's made up. (Here Mr.
Darling fell into a sound slumber, and hal a strange dream
about sleeping with .lifeepbus.)

UNIVERSITY OP LONDON.—The council of this
University have suede the following arrangements for the
various examinations of the present year :—The Matricu-
lation examination commences on the tint Tuesday in July.
The examination for the degree of Bachelor of Arts com-
mandos on the fourth Monday in October. The examine-
' tion for the degree of Muter of Ares commences on the
first Monday in Juno. The examination for the degree of
Bachelor of Laws takes place in the last foutteen days of
Jule.

I.