The Express.
London, England, 1862-12-11 00:00:00

ARTEMUS WARD IN CANADA.

I'm at present existin' under a monikal form of
'Dement. In other words, I'm travelin' among the
crowned beads of Canady. They ar'n't pretty bad people.
On the cont'ry, they air exceed& good people. Troo, they
air deprived of many Marine. They don't enjoy, for in-
steps, the priceless boos of a war. They been% any Ame-
rican Egil to enchain, and they hain't got a Fourth of Joly
to their backs. Altho' this is • monikal form of gov'ment
lam unable to perceev much moniky. I tried to get •
piece in Toronto, but failed to succeed.
Mrs. Victoria, who is Queen of England, and Ins all the
luxunes of the markets, incloodin' game ID its season, don't
bother herself much about Comedy, but lets her do 'bout
as she's mighter. She, however, gin'ralry keeps her sup-
plied with a lord, who's called • Oov'uer Gin'red. Some-
times the politicians of Canady make it lively for this lord—
fur Canady has politicians, and I expect they don't differ
from our politicians, some of 'em beim' gifted and talented
lure, no doubt.
The present Gov'ner Gin'ral of Candy is Lord Monk. I
mw him review some volunteers at Montreal. He was ac-
companied by some other lords and dukes and generab
and those sort of things. He rode a little bay hone, and
his close wasn't any hotter than mine. You'll always no-
tin, by the way, that the higher up in the world • man is the
less good harness he puts on. Hence Guiral Halleek walks
the streets in plain citizen's dress, while the second
lieutenant of a volunteer regiment piles ell the braes things
he an find on his back, and drags a forty-pound sword
after him. Monk has been in the lord busioese some time,
and I understand it pays, tho' I don't know what • lord's
wages is. The wages of sin is death and postage stamps.
But this has nothing to do with Monk. One of Lord Monk's
daughters rode with him on the field. She has golden
hair, • kind good face, and wore a red bat I should be
very happy to have her pay. me and my family • visit at
HMilinevllle. Come audibnog your knittin, Miss Monk;
Mrs. Ward will do the fair thing by you. She makes the
bast slapiacks in America. As a slap-jakist, she has no
*kat She wears the Belt.
What the review was all about I dont know. I him%
a gigantic intelleck, which can grasp great questions at
enct. lam not a Webster or a Seymour. lam not •
Washington or a Wadsworth. Fur from it. I am
not as gifted a man as Henry Ward Beecher. Even the
congregation of Plymouth Meeting house in Brooklin will
admit that. Yes, I should think so. But while I don't
have the eldest idea as to what the review was fur, I will
state that the sojars looked pooty scrumptiousin their red
and green close.
Come with me, gentle reader. to Quebeck. Quebeck was
surveyed and laid out by a gentleman who had bees afflicted
with delirium tremens horn childhood, and hence his ideas
of things was a little irreg'ler. The streets don't lead any-
where in partieler, but everywhere', in gin'ral. The city is
built. on a variety of perpendicler hills, each hill heirs' •
trifle wain nor Vother one. Quebeck is full of stone
walls, and arches, and citadels, and things. It
le said no foe could ever et into Quebeck, and
I guess they couldn't. And I don't see what they'd want to
get:in there for. Quebeck has; seenilieely times in a warlike
way. The French and Britiehers had • set-to there in 1759.
Jim Wolfe commanded the latter, and Jo Montcalm the
fernier. Both were hanky boys, and fit nobly. But
Wolfe was too many measles for Montealm, and the French
was sleved.7.Wolfe,and Monteadm was both killed. In arter
years a common monument was erected by the gen'rous
people of Quebeck, aided by a bully earl named George
Dalhousie, to these noble fellows. That was well
douse. Diuin' the revolutionary war B. Arnold
made his way through dense woods and thick
Snow!, from Maine to Quebeck, which it was one of the
Leakiest things ever done in the military line. It would
have been better if B. Arnold's funeral had come off im-
mediately on his arrival there.
On the Plains of Abraham there was onct some tall
Stip', and ever since then there has been • great demand
for the bones of the sieved on that there occasion. But the
real ginooimi bones was long ago carried off, and now the
boys make a hansom thing by earth,' the bones of bosses
tad sheep out there, and sellin' em to intelligent American
towerists. Takin' a professional view of this dodge, I
most say that it betrays genius of • lofty character.
I say adoo to Quebeck with regret. It is old fogyish, bet
shock fall of interest. Young gentlemen of a romantic
turn of mind, who air botberin their beads as to how they
an spend their father's money, bad better see Quebeck.
Altogether, I like Canady. Good people and lots of
pretty girls. I wouldn't mind comiu' over here to live in
the capacity of a duke provided a vacancy occurs, and pro-
vided, further, I could be allowed a few star-spangled ban-
dim. • egd, a boon of liberty, &c. Don't think I've
skedaddled. Not at all. I'm coming home in a week.
Let's have the Union restored as it was, if we can ; but if
we can't, I'm in favour of the Union as it wasn't. But the
Union any how. Gentlemen of the editorial corpse, if you
would be !nippy be virtoona! I, who am the emblem of
virtoo, tell you so.
(Signed)

A. WARD.

FATAL A rtRAY NRAR SuzrroN Meuvr. —On
TuesdAy the coroner for Somenetahire opened an inquest on
the body of Charles Langley, a blacksmith, aged about 21,
who had died at Nettlebridge, a village about four miles
from Shepton Mallet, from injuries inflicted on him by his
father. It appeared that the father, Joseph Langley, who
keeps the Nettlebridge Inn, was on Saturday evening sitting
in the bar of the inn, eating bread and cheese, and using a
clasp knife. His two sons, the deceased and Frederick Lang-
ley, with other persona, were present, and it memo that
an angry altercation ensued between the father and the
deceased, in the course of which the latter threatened
to strike him. The father replied, "If you do
I'll stab you ;" but the demised, heedless of the
threat. inflicted a heavy blow with his fiat on hie father's
eye. The latter thereupon carried his threat into execution
by plunging the blade of the knife into the right side of the
deceased's abdomen. The medical gentlemen of the locality
were speedily on the spot, and the wounded man attended
to, but it wan evident, from the dangerous state of the
wound, that he could not survive, and his father was at
once taken into custody and removed to Temple Cloud. The
wounded man gradually got worse until Monday morning,
when he expired. The prisoner, since the commission of the
act, had exhibited much distress of mind, and it was re-
ported in the village that he bad attempted suicide. The
coroner, having opened his court, briefly stated the facts,
and. in order to lay the case in a complete form before the
jury, eiljourned the inquiry.— Western Daily Press.

. -
A PoLI,E CONSTABLE SENTZNCED TO PINAL SlR-
virti,e. —An ez-police officer, named Joseph Scott, was sen-
tenced to three years' penal certitude by Mr. Commissioner
Gurney at the South Lanceabire assizes yesterday, for for-
gery. Is connexion with the police force, of which the ilri-
soncr was a member, a sick and burial society had been
and having been appointed its secretary, be
broke bin to ust and forged various certificates of death in
order to obtain sums of money belonging to the proprietary.
eitTaTAL PALACIL—SICOND GRAND POULTRY
SHote. ONC SIMIAN° DAT. —WEDNISDAT, Duo. 10.—
Admissions on payment, 1,575; ditto by mon Nice*
1,196 ; total, 2,771.
Importing tee without colour on the leaf pre-
vents the Chinese passing off inferior brown Imam se la the
meal kinds. ilornlown s Tea Is uncoloured, therefore always
geed Mks. Mote In Isetela by 2,280 agente.--(Actrertissamki