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I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.

Talking about it stops it from being a secret.  It takes courage to have posted your question and that is the first step. Here is an article I wrote a few years back.  http://abuseisnotasecret.com/why-abuse-is-not-your-fault/One day at a time.

trauma

I have no self control over food. Most people stop when they've had enough, but I keep eating for the pleasure of it. Especially with sweets - I'm never done eating dessert.

Hello! I'm so glad you decided to write in today. This is such a great question and I'm sure many others will relate to exactly what you're describing. There are a few different ways we can look at in understanding your concern. First, I think it's important to understand food is just food. Food is meant to nourish our bodies, provide us with energy and yes, sometimes reserved for special occasions and celebrations. But in many cultures, we place a LOT of emphasis on food. We have food at every gathering and every celebration. What's more people have come to almost EXPECT food to be present at any and every get-together. And if it's not? Well, then forget about it! I see this time and time again with my clients. Donuts appear in the office, and it's almost like donuts have never been there before! Must eat one (or two)! However, we need to remind ourselves that this occurrence, or similar ones, will not be the last time we can enjoy this particular food. It is likely the office donuts have happened before, and they will be there again on another day. During these moments, I like to have my clients employ a Stop-and-Think method. Stop-and-Think about your goals before you eat. Is this donut getting you where you want to be? Also, I have my clients ask themselves how special is this donut? If the donut really is a special donut (from the best bakery in town and you've never been there before) then now might be a time to have the donut. But if not, it would be wise to pass and wait until that "special" donut. Another aspect we need to remember about food, is to think about what we're getting from overindulging or overeating. Are you trying to drown out other emotions? Are you trying to feel better and the food gives you that feeling for a brief moment? What ELSE is going on? This can be determined by utilizing what we describe as a Thought Record. A Thought Record involves tracking and identifying thoughts and feelings associated with food triggers. By targeting the emotions, we can then determine where they're coming from, as well as how to decipher them. A therapist can also help you with understanding your emotions related to food and will be helpful in assisting you with the Thought Record.The most important thing to remember is that "food addiction" can be a real problem for a lot of people. If food is taking over your life and you are preoccupied and overwhelmed with knowing where to start, please seek out help. Binge eating is the most common eating disorder and impacts the lives of thousands. There are lots of free resources and information on my website at www.maddenwellnessky.com. In addition, I offer individual coaching and counseling through my website and I would love to help!- Amber

eating-disorders

People who are parental figures in my life have, in the past, hurt me, and some continue to do so. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for my husband or the life he provides me. I have had jobs, but I am going through a lot of my past garbage and trying to figure out when it all went wrong. Any time I bring these things up, I am expected to be over the issue. These are people that you can't just cut out, but I have never received apologies for so much of my pain. I don't know what to do any more. I don't know who I am anymore.

It sounds like you have been thinking about how past hurts have influenced you, and when you try to talk about these hurts with people in your life, you are feeling invalidated. It also sounds like current conflicts are continuing to leave you feeling hurt and devalued. In working with a therapist, you may be able to get some clarity about your past, who you are, and what kinds of boundaries you want in your relationships, so that you can lead a life that is more satisfying to you.

depression

My stepdad and I always mess around. I've noticed that whenever he playfully hits me, it's always my butt that he hits. He always comments on my outfits and always scans me head to toe when I walk into a room. I'm a teenager female, and I want to know if this is normal.

It's hard to tell from the way you described it. Do you think he would be open to an honest discussion? It could be that his comments about your outfit are designed to make you feel good or to help them show how much he cares about you as his stepdaughter. As far as scanning you from head to toe, I can think of reasons that parents might do that. I also think that talking about it is probably very important so you really know what his intentions are. That way, it removes the guesswork and you have the opportunity to know what he is thinking and feeling and he can also know what your reactions are.

family-conflict

I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?

This answer could be very different depending on the fear, the degree of it, and what it connects to.I wonder the following:On a scale of 1 to 10, how upset, anxious, or scared to you get when you think about overcoming this? If it's more than a 5/10, I would definitely recommend talking with a therapist in your area.A lot of fears that we have come from something that at one time was self-protective and important. Do you know where your fear started? If you think it is still protecting you or helping you in some way, talk with someone (like a therapist) about it.If it is something that you know is irrational (for example, fear of being hurt by static cling from winter clothing), is there some part of that that you are not afraid of?I really encourage you to consider whether your fear has a lot of emotions connected to it or if it ties from something in your past that was very emotional for you at the time. If it does, consider working with a therapist to establish emotional safety before taking away the fear or anxiety that may actually be helpful to you.Also, the fact that you notice that you are afraid of something and you don't want to be afraid of it anymore is a big step in the forward direction.

anxiety

When I get talked to by my dad or stepmom, or if I'm in trouble, I will begin to cry and not say what's wrong with me. When my dad or stepmom ask what is wrong, I never know the answers or the words to put together what is actually wrong with me.

Maybe you need more time to reflect and organize your thoughts.Try to figure out what would make you feel more relaxed about talking to your dad or stepmom.Also its possible you simply don't feel safe around either of them and so intuitively realize you're better off not talking with them about a delicate matter.Depending on whether you trust talking to dad and stepmom, you may simply wish to excuse yourself from speaking about yourself.There's no good reason to be heartfelt with people whom you don't feel are willing to accept or understand who you are.

anxiety

How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

When you have the right therapist you just know, as evidence of the help that you have received, the progress that you have made,  from the rapport and partnership that you have gained with your therapist, and from if you feel supported in a way that is helpful to you, as well as if your therapist has a good understanding of what your needs are and what you desire to gain from your therapy experience.

counseling-fundamentals

My mom and dad got divorced four years ago. I had to finish out the school year with my dad, and now they are deciding which place is best for me. I can't choose. How can I choose if I love both places?

I don't know how old you are, but depending on that, you may be able to talk with them about spending some time in both places. Even parents who live in different states can do that sometimes. It's not as frequent as spending one week at one house and the next week and the other, but I know that it happens.If you can talk with both of your parents about how you would like to live in both places, maybe you can all work out some kind of agreement.

family-conflict

I'm in my mid 20s with a husband and children. I love my family, but I feel like I've lost my identity, and I don't know who I am other than a mom and wife. At times, all I can think is what I gave up and how I feel unhappy and trapped, but I know I'd feel like worse without them. I loathe myself at times. I have an amazing life, so why can't I just enjoy it?

It is not easy being a wife and mother. You have shifted roles in your life. You went from having a career to focusing on your family. Transitioning can be hard, especially when we feel we gave something up that we really wanted. I want to acknowledge you for wanting to be the best wife and mother you can. I think it is great that you are self-aware and want to work on this.Feeling "unhappy and trapped" may also mean that you are  believing these negative thoughts are absolutely true. We have lots and lots of thoughts throughout the day. Sometimes we pay a lot of attention to some and some we ignore. Right now these thoughts are getting a lot of your attention and perhaps you are thinking because you are thinking them they are true.  Is it really true that you trapped? You also said that you have an amazing life. It doesn't sound like you are only having negative thoughts. You have some positive ones, too. However, you are giving a lot of weight to the negative thoughts, more weight than the positive ones.I also wonder if you are struggling with the fact that you are even having this thought. One thing that can be helpful is to recognize that you are having a thought, that it is a negative thought, that thinking it does not make it true, and to let it go. This is the basis for mindfulness work that can be really helpful. It is a great place for you to start so you can balance out your thoughts and emotions.Best of luck to you!

depression

I just don't know what I want in life anymore. I'm can't figure out what it is that is keeping me distracted and unfocused. I can't put things into perspective at all. I'm just stuck, and I'm disappointed with my lack of accomplishments.

Check this blog out:  Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-listHope you find a few nuggets of helpfulness in this.

depression

I told him I liked him. He called me lovely and pretty but he said he didn’t want a relationship. He would always flirt with me.

Well, as disappointed as you may very well feel from hearing this guy's answer, you know he doesn't want a relationship.What type of move would you like him to make?If you mean you'd be happy to have sex with this guy and not a relationship, then wait for as long as your patience allows.To wait for him to change his mind that he does want a relationship, doesn't have a very strong base on which to stand.Its possible to do this only consider the emotional price of your frustration to wait for someone to change their mind.

relationships

When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.

Hello! First of all, thank you for paying attention to your daughter and noticing that she is concerned! It sounds like you have been a positive influence on her for her to be so focused on achievement and for her to care so deeply about her performance! Based on what you've said here, I understand that you are concerned that she is overly stressed, though. I share your concern. People of all ages have meltdowns when they become overwhelmed with stress, and the negative consequences of those meltdowns can definitely have a ripple-effect into other areas of our lives.For your daughter, the thing I would want to know FIRST is this: does she feel she has adequate healthy coping skills to manage the stress she is experiencing? Because, it doesn't really matter WHAT she is stressing on...what matters is how she deals with her stress when it threatens to overwhelm her. I'd like to know what, exactly, that she does when she is feeling stressed that helps her to feel better. If she has only unhealthy coping skills (for example, sleeping, shutting-down, raging, self-attack with critical self-talk, etc.), or only one or two healthy skills, we would want to teach her some additional healthy strategies to help her KNOW that she can cope. Just one risk of not addressing this issue now could be that she may come to "learn" that stress is 'unbearable' which may cause her to turn to destructive or escapist strategies to avoid the discomfort, the pain of feeling hopeless, and/or the negative belief that she "cannot help herself."  I definitely think it would be worth both your whiles to have her evaluated by her family doctor and/or a professional counselor. With a counselor specifically, she could learn the needed skills as well as be evaluated for other issues that may be contributing to the issue (for example, a learned belief that she "must be perfect or she is not worthy.") Plus, having a neutral support person to help her meet her personal goals is always a good thing. Good luck, mom and daughter!Learn more about me and my practice at www.EMDRheals.com

parenting

I'm in a relationship with my fiancé and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?

My first question for you would be to see if you've talked with her about it yet? You mentioned you found out....and I know this can be so painful. It can also be frightening to bring up the experience when it hurts a lot, when you feel so unsettled as you mention. But you can look at this as a vital and important piece of information about what's happening in your relationship, and an invitation to get really honest and genuine with each other. You have a long history, being together 9 years, and a son, so you are very bonded no matter what changes happen in your relationship. It may be incredibly helpful to find a counselor you can both go talk with. Having a third party who is neutral and cares about your process and hers can be such a relief when you need to discuss things you feel scared about. Even just a few sessions can make a huge difference. If this doesn't feel possible for you right now.....ask your fiancee for time to set aside for a meaningful heart-to-heart talk. Say you'd like to set it up on the calendar, and make sure you have a babysitter for your son. Set aside at least 4 hours. Let her know that you'd like to hear her honest truth about what's going on, and share with her your truth as well. It's not a time for criticizing or condemning, and I don't sense that is your intention at all--you have a great deal of love for her. Speaking honestly and listening openly is an amazing gift, both for yourself and for your partner. You can do it.

relationships

When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.

This has to be very difficult to endure.It's pretty common for members of a couple to have different ways of resolving conflict. Very often, one person wants to deal with the conflict right away or shortly thereafter and the other person wants to wait. One thing that sometimes works is to consider having a conversation when you are not upset with one another about taking some sort of timeout and setting a timeframe for something like "I cannot talk about this now, but we can talk about it in two hours."My best guess is that your boyfriend is triggered by some previous relationship, either romantic or in childhood. If he is aware of something that he thinks or feels when you ask him to resolve conflict or to discuss it, it would be good to know what that is. It could even be that he's learned to handle conflict that way.Something else you could try is to have a conversation where you each discuss what is acceptable for what is acceptable for each of you during an argument and what is not. These sorts of discussions can be very difficult and you may benefit from working through them with a mental health professional who has some experience working with couples.As far as what you can do now, perhaps you can remind yourself that these things have worked out before, that you love him and believe that he loves you, or some other statements that are true for you. You may also consider finding ways to soothe yourself. For example, you may find that you like certain outdoor activities or reading a certain type of book or something else that gives you pleasure.

intimacy

How do therapists classify the type of personality their clients have? What characteristics do they look at to decide what type of personality the client has? I've read about this online, but I'd like to understand this from a therapist's point of view.

Not very well :)So, you got the Jungians, and you got the Big Fiver's, and you got every manner of Ivory-Tower Orc in between, loosening the chains on their drooling, snarling Pet Theories...The real truth is, does it matter?  If it does, what does it matter?If it's still of keen interest to you, I would presume that God designed most of his creatures with a "simpler set" of personality blueprints; not a complex set as theorized by man;Also realize that this level of reality is dualistic in nature; that means there is two of everything;So, imagine that whatever personalities you observe, and whatever words come to mind, also think of the opposite word, and you'll have a good sense of what actual personalities look like :)Then, share your findings; it'll be pretty neat to see what you come up with.

diagnosis

I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?

Nope! In fact you are NOT a pedophile. That term is reserved for older adolescents attracted to children, or adults who are attracted to children. I see an age difference as being one key factor in determining pedophilia if the older person is still in adolescence. You being only a year older than your girlfriend doesn't qualify, so go right ahead and be attracted to your girlfriend without shame!

intimacy

I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it’s “just a crush” but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?

Hi! It sounds like you are stuck in a difficult place. You do not want to appear to jealous and yet, it's hard not to be, when you hear about "the crush". It's only natural to feel a little insecure and you're doing a great job by asking how to cope better. First of all, long-distance relationships are very hard. Is this situation likely to continue for a long period of time? The old adage that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" simply isn't true. It requires a lot of work to keep the fire burning. Are you, guys, talking to each other a lot? Visiting each other relatively often? Making common plans for those visits or your future together? Do you manage to have fun together, despite the distance (e.g., laugh on the phone, have "shared" experiences such as watching a movie simultaneously at your different locations, perhaps having phone sex)? All of the above are good ways to ensure that your bond stays strong and there will be less space left for interest in other people. Based on the fact that  your girlfriend told you about the crush t I would guess that she thinks it's innocent enough - nothing too threatening. Try to talk to her about your feelings and brainstorm together ways you can increase your intimacy, which will likely improve your sense of security in the relationship but also help her get over the crush. Good luck! Zofia

relationships

There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?

I'm sorry for what sounds like a frustrating situation.For how long has your daughter lived the way you describe and did it start all of a sudden or more gradually come on?What you write sounds like a major depressive disorder and this can start for a variety of reasons and improve in just as many different ways.Start with how you are feeling about the situation.  Ask yourself for how long you will be able to tolerate the way your daughter lives and if you feel any satisfaction in your mother daughter relationship.If she is of legal age, and you don't want her to live with you,  you've tried convincing her to get medical care for its own sake and to more clearly see her emotional and psychological health, and she is unwilling to take care of herself, you can discuss your options with the adult protective services agency in your state.The first step is to know what exactly is her problem so you can decide if its own you are willing to take care of or not.

parenting

My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?

There's a lot of layers there to your situation, and I'm focusing on two layers that may be contributing to your feelings of discomfort around others.  One layer is the daunting news that your son has autism.  Many parents can feel overwhelmed and distraught with this diagnosis.  The vast array of treatments available is daunting in and of itself at times to wrap one's head around.  Taking time to reflect or seek out therapy regarding how this diagnosis has impacted you may be helpful.  Some parents feel their individual identity gets lost in the diagnosis because they have dropped everything to help their child, and others may experience guilt.  If either of these or other feelings come to the forefront for you, it may be worth working through them with a therapist.  A support group list is available through www.autismspeaks.org and may help connect you with others raising children with autism.A second layer is the abusive relationship you were involved in.  The trauma you experienced in this relationship may have a very meaningful impact on your ability to trust and to be intimate with others.  Engaging with a therapist can help facilitate the healing process, as well as paving the way for more comfortable and trusting relationships.

anxiety

I have these dreams of men, and they always seem to try to hurt me. It's gotten so bad that I first wake at 4:30, then 4:45, and finally stay awake by 6:00. I'm always the last one to fall asleep and the first to wake. I hate falling asleep. The longest I've went without sleep is three days.

That is awful! I am sure you are ready to start getting some rest. It's normal for us to wake a few times in the night, however, when we are dealing with high anxiety or stress, those times can turn into being up most night. Given that you are having these repeated dreams, I am wondering what might be going on in your life either now  or in the past that could be triggering stress or maybe memories. It can help to draw the dream out in the morning or even to look for metaphor. In the long run, seeking counseling can help you sort all that outIn the meantime, self-soothing strategies may help you in the night when you wake and can't get back to sleep. This can be anything with your senses----getting a snack like tea and focusing on that taste, smelling something pleasant, listening to some relaxing music, looking through a magazine, taking a shower. Anything you can think of that might help you relax. If it involves needing to get up, that's okay! Getting out of bed can actually help you get out of that mind space and helps you associate your bed with relaxation/sleep vs anxiety making it more likely you will fall asleep once  you lay down.

anxiety

I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental. I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

It is very good news that you realize the risks of smoking cigarettes while pregnant and are willing to stop.Thinking about smoking is a typical and frequent reaction to being without the substance.Be creative with what you know about yourself to distract you when this psychological urge comes up.  My suggestions are to imagine smoking if you find this would relieve the sense of wanting to smoke.Or, do the opposite and remind yourself of all the good reasons to not smoke.Also, since you're planning pregnancy then ask your partner for ideas on how to make the psychological feeling to want to smoke, feel less intense.Another suggestion is that your partner is your texting buddy to stop smoking.   With AA groups, a sponsor is always available for the alcoholic who feels distress about the urge to drink.   Having a trusted and caring person to tell about your problem helps in many situations.  Maybe it will help you to stop smoking.Good luck!

substance-abuse

I know this fear doesn't make sense. How can I overcome it?

No, it makes sense :)Consider today how social media has impacted the mind and heart of man;Is it not so extraordinarily easy to make one appear stellar on social media today?  Heh heh, I've long since joked that the definition of a party is:  "A series of photos to lie with."When I peel back the awareness of others' "judgment", what I find is excitement of wanting to express themselves too...It's funny how America is one of the few lands on the planet where folks are able to mess up and try it again; on most other places, if you mess up, there is such deep shame in it, that it may lead to one taking one's life;

anxiety

My boyfriend and I have a toxic relationship due to his emotional and verbal abuse but he makes me feel like I could never find someone better, and that I can't be happy without him. How do I get away from this relationship?

I'm glad you recognize your own best interest and that your life will be much better without verbal and emotional abuse.One of the terrible results of being abused in a relationship which is expected to be loving, safe and supportive, is that the one who is being abused, starts to question their own judgement, rights, opinions, overall way of thinking.This happens because partners who are intimately involved with one another are very meaningful.  Regardless of how irrational, wrong, mean, selfish, intimidating, thoughtless, a partner is to the other, the person on the receiving side gradually starts questioning whether they are wrong for not accepting these sorts of interactions.Stick with what your own intuition tells you.There is a part within each of us which knows the truth of what is going on.Leaving a relationship is always difficult to some degree.  People are in familiar patterns of daily behavior, no one wants to suddenly "be alone", even if this only means showing up as a physical body, not as a truly loving partner, no one wants to start telling others about a breakup, answer questions about it, feel blamed, worry what others think.These are secondary matters to following the truth in your own heart.Listen to yourself about leaving this guy. Your inner self does not lie to you.

relationships

About a month ago, I went through my boyfriend’s phone and found him messaging his ex-girlfriend that he was dating before me. He gave her a promise ring when they were together, and he still had it hiding in his memory box in our son’s room. I found many things on his phone, but that broke my heart the most. He deleted all the messages but two. I can't help thinking they were talking about the old times together or something like that. It really kills me, and I can't stop thinking about it.

Your sense of hurt is very understandable.Do you and your boyfriend have an agreement on looking through each other's phones?I ask because the overall problem sounds like lack of trust and that there may be a difference in what each of you wants and expects from your relationship.Probably if the two of you talk about these topics and you each become clear as to the commitment status of each of you to the other, you'll have more clarity as to what either of you would like from the other.With this new level of clarity, his  past relationship involvements will likely be less meaningful .Once you have clear definition of the two of you as a couple, who he was as a past partner to someone else, will matter very little.

intimacy

My dad refuses to acknowledge my anxieties about going to parties, dinners, etc. Whenever I have an opinion it gets shut down. My mom and everyone else behaves likewise. For my father who heads a company, this is normal. He has to be right all the time. He blatantly refuses to even try to see it from my angle. Recently however, it's been getting to the point where I feel pressured and unable to speak my mind. It isn't possible for me to get professional one-on-one help. He tells me to grow a pair and get over it. I recently have been developing more severe body image and self-confidence issues, which I have had all my life. I feel invalidated by my dad. I have been more paranoid lately as well. I can't turn on location services anymore on my phone because of a past incident. He makes me feel guilty about it. I feel rather worthless more often than not, unfortunately. What do I do?

I'm sorry to hear that you are unable to get through to your parents. It sounds like you are experiencing a great deal of anxiety that needs to be addressed by a professional (despite the fact that you are unable to at the moment). I would recommend talking with another adult such as a school counselor that can offer you support in this area. Perhaps they can work with you on your anxiety issues and schedule a meeting with your parents so that he/she may help mediate the conversation with them.If you are unable to reach out to a school counselor maybe you can try a member of the family such as an aunt or an uncle that feels comfortable addressing the issue with your parents. Sometimes it helps hearing it from a third party before the situations is taken seriously enough.Good luck!

anxiety

My toddler is having a real hard time with toilet training. He almost throws up every time he sees his poop. He gags and will not go on the toilet. We have tried a toilet chair and ring that goes on the big-boy toilet, but he refuses to use it. When he sits on the toilet, he just sits there forever and only will pee. He holds the poop in until he get up and then will poop in his diaper. I dump his diaper in the toilet and let him know that it is where it goes to try to encourage him. How can I help him get over this fear and passed the stress?

Your son is showing signs that he's just not ready to be toilet trained. You don't say how old he is, so I'm not sure whether the problem is deeper, but right his fears may reflect that right now he is simply be not ready to take that step. Pushing him at this point could worsen the problem, so I suggest pulling back the expectations, waiting a month or two, looking for more signs of readiness and trying again. In general, teaching children to use the toilet works best when "mistakes" are handled calmly and when parents pay close attention to cues that the child is responding positively.

parenting

Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.

What a beautiful discussion of guilt and shame Lynda offers! Those two demons start out as pesky and little when we are young, then grow with us to become quite formidable. I'd like to throw in a technique I learned from Randy Rausch (author of The Last Lecture) called The 3-Step Apology. I teach this important bit of wisdom to my clients when they need to apologize to someone else but more importantly when they need to forgive themselves.Yes, when we have trouble forgiving ourselves we sometimes forget that there is part of us that just doesn't know how to apologize effectively. Here goes:Step One: Say what you did and the damage it caused.Step Two: Say you're sorry and accept full responsibility (no excuses, no explanation, no defensiveness: “It was all my fault.”)Step Three: Ask what you can do to repair the damage.Step Three is the one many of us didn’t learn growing up. And when we add it to an apology, we are usually surprised that the penalty is as light as it is. Of course, sometimes the apology is not accepted and no way to atone is offered. So be it, we can’t control this. But if we are apologizing to ourselves, we can. There is always a way to make amends if we put our heart into it. Give this a try the next time you’re reluctant to let yourself off the hook. You might surprise yourself when how benevolent you can be when invited.

self-esteem

I am going through a divorce. He is extremely angry. He refuses to physically assist me with our teenager daughter. I have no extended family support. Often times, I feel overwhelmed, tired, and joyless. I feel out of control, sad and depressed on a daily basis. I am just going through the motions of life every day. I am in my mid-50s. I have almost 29 years on my job. How can I handle this?

Going through a divorce is often a very low point for the people involved.Are you surprised that your soon to be ex doesn't help with your teenage daughter?Usually patterns and dynamics in parenting are not  sudden developments.Is it possible that what you're feeling now is more intensity to the stress of parenting by yourself, not that this is a sudden problem?This is relevant because you may be more familiar and more capable than you're giving yourself credit.  The lack of emotional support is definitely stressful.Your parenting skills may still be at the level at which they were prior to the divorce.Take your emotional weariness seriously and reflect on the various ways of stress relief which are available and interest you.Give yourself extra time to rest, nurture yourself and be flexible in finding what feels right for stabilizing yourself.Since you talk about your daughter and help in physical ways, if it is a matter of strength that you need, talk with your attorney so that the child custody agreement includes whatever is physically necessary in the way of strength, in taking care of your daughter.The Courts are very good at making effort that the custody agreement offers proper care to the kids.

depression

I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?

Have you told either of your parents that the current house rotation of where you stay, bothers you?Since each parent has an interest to be together with you, I imagine that to some degree, each cares how you feel.If these conversations are not getting your problem solved, then maybe your therapist can have a family session with your parents together and depending on the outcome, with you and each parent.

anxiety

I'm concerned about my boyfriend. I suffer from anxiety, but I always have this feeling he wants to hurt me because he told me he was interested in BDSM intercourse. We haven't tried it, but I've had this feeling he always wants to.

Hello! Thank you for your question. There are few things that people find more personal than their sexual relationships. When we feel connected to our partner, sex can be best thing since sliced bread. However, if we feel disconnected in some way, sex can feel degrading and even painful. I don’t know the specifics about your relationship or how comfortable you are in talking to your boyfriend, but this is one of those situations where communicating your fears is a good idea. The only exception to that would be if you believe he is actually a threat to you in some way. If you believe that, then you should do whatever you think is safe. It sounds like there is a part of you that is already afraid of him, and if that is the case then remaining safe is your top priority. Assuming you are able to share with him your feelings, telling him what you are and are not interested in sexually is very appropriate and sexually healthy. Sex is something that is supposed to be enjoyable for all parties. All parties should feel respected and able to say “no” to absolutely anything they are not comfortable with. I call the respectful agreement between sexual partners, “sex trust.” Sex Trust means your partner respects your boundaries. It means they won’t degrade you sexually with hurtful words, forced sex, or forcing or coercing sex in ways someone is not interested in having.  Your personal safety and mental well-being is what is most important. Now, if there is a part of you that is curious about BDSM and may be interested in participating in it, there are many websites that you can explore to learn information. I will warn you, some websites and articles are better or worse than others, but you may at least feel more informed. Many people engage in BDSM and have happy relationships, but again, it completely depends on what each person in the relationship wants. It is also important to know that BDSM is not just one thing and people practice it differently based on comfort. If it is something you are uncomfortable with, then you shouldn’t feel obligated to do it.   I hope this was helpful. Be well.   Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

anxiety

Whether it's to a guy or girl, I always feel insecure talking, and I am afraid of embarrassing myself and not being good enough. Even when I am walking, I worry about my appearance and facial expression and such.

Hi. I'm glad you wrote, because I think a lot of people have this same issue (to different degrees) and we don't talk about it much. You have some social anxiety that is a bit beyond what the average person might feel. Most people have some amount of worry about what others might think of them, and this probably prevents us from making complete fools of ourselves so that's a good thing. But your "alarm system" is out of whack and you are spending too much time worrying about how you come across. As you age you understand this more, and it's true...that other people really aren't thinking about you much or monitoring you at all; they're too busy having the same thoughts you're having! Am I good enough? Do people like me, judge me...think I'm weird? We're all concerned about how we come across far more than how others come across. Like many people, you lack compassion for yourself, acceptance of yourself and confidence in yourself. My gut says that these things came from somewhere in your past. Our sensitivities usually come from (as well as genetics) a specific time in our life when we experienced or felt something that was overwhelming and we end up with an alarm system that overreacts at times. Without more details, it's difficult to go further here. I recommend you see a therapist who does cognitive behavioural therapy, which can help you understand the roots of your fears and learn how to manage them more successfully.

self-esteem

I am a teenager. I have been experiencing major episodes of depression (if that's even what it is) for several years. It’s always getting worse. I have been having panic attacks, feeling like I can't control my fears, and I can't even bring myself to care if I live or die anymore. The problem is that I don't know who to ask for help. When I try to talk to my parents, I freeze completely and can't do anything but make a joke because never once in my life have we talked about our feelings.

I understand that talking about our feelings can be awkward and using jokes is a way to relieve that awkwardness, but there is a right or wrong way to talk about your feelings. The important part is to recognize that you need help addressing those feelings and reaching out, which you are doing already.  Having small conversations with your family is helpful, you can explain to them that you have been experiencing emotional discomfort and would like to talk to them about it.   Since you been experiencing anxiety, panic attacks, and have thought about dying,  It is VERY important that you ask them to help you make an appointment with a mental health professional.  Those symptoms indicate that your body is having a hard time managing intense feelings and it will be helpful if you understand why they occur and how to cope with them. You may contact your school counselor or you may schedule an appointment with a local therapist.  You may contact the Texas Crisis Hotline 800-989-6884 where you can talk or chat with mental health professionals or schedule a teletherapy session.   The National Crisis Hotline is also available for calling and texting 1-800-273-8255.I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas, currently providing services in West Houston.  You may reach me at 787-466-5478 to schedule an appointment.   ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------¿Cómo hablo de mis sentimientos de depresión y con quién hablo?Soy un adolecente.  He estado experimentando episodios de depresión severa (si es lo que creo) por muchos años.  Siempre se pone peor.  He estado teniendo ataques de pánico, sintiendo que no puedo controlar mis miedos y sintiendo que ya no importa si quiero vivir o morir.  El problema es que ya no sé a quién pedirle ayuda.  Cuando intento hablar con mis padres, Me congelo y solo puedo hacer bromas porque nunca en mi vida hemos hablado de nuestros sentimientos. Entiendo que hablar de tus emociones puede hacernos sentir inadecuados, y bromear es una manera de manejar ese sentimiento incómodo, pero no hay forma correcta o incorrecta de hablar sobre tus sentimientos.  Lo importante es reconocer que necesitas ayuda para manejarlos, y ya tu estas en ese proceso.  Tener pequeñas conversaciones con tu familia te ayudara a explicarles los sentimientos que estas experimentando.  Es importante que les pidas hacer una cita con un profesional de la salud mental, ya que has estado experimentando síntomas que indican que tu cuerpo ya no puede manejar tus sentimientos y necesita nuevas herramientas.  Puedes contactar a tu consejero escolar, o a un proveedor de salud mental cerca de ti o por teléfono.  Mientras tanto, puedes llamar a la línea de crisis de Texas 800-989-6884 para hablar con un profesional de salud mental.  La línea nacional de crisis también esta disponible en todos los Estados Unidos y proveen servicios en español 1-800-273-8255 Yo soy una Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y Puerto Rico, veo clientes en el este de Houston y proveo servicios de tele terapia.  Para una cita puedes llamar al 787-466-5478.

depression

My fiancé and I recently had an argument over finances. He gives me the money each month to pay his automobile insurance. He no longer has one of the vehicles on the policy. He realized he was still paying for the coverage and asked why I was allowing him to continue to do that since I was physically paying it for him. My response was that he was giving me the money, and I just made the payment. I didn't think of the coverages. He was angry about it. I still can't figure out that anger.

I'd be more worried generally about a fiancee who assumes you are responsible for tracking what in fact are his responsibilities, than about the anger per se.What you describe holds the seeds of classic abusive behavior, which is blaming the partner for what in fact are the person's own responsibilities.Start by withdrawing yourself from paying his bills.If he is on his own in terms of tracking what and when is due regarding his auto policy, then surely the only one for him to blame will be himself.Stay clear of involving yourself in doing favors for him if the favor involves something that he is the one accountable.Tell him it is so the relationship remains fair for each of you.

intimacy

I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?

I love that you are so thoughtful and proactive about this!  If only every client came in as solution focused as you, my job would be so much easier. I would second Robin's suggestion of reading ANYTHING by Gottmann. He's fantastic. Other favorites of mine are:“Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage” by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser“Eight Lessons for a Happier Marriage” by Dr. William & Carleen Glasser“Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson“Divorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again” by Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman“The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency – the Other Side of Co-Dependency” by Drs. Janae & Barry WeinholdI'll also add to Miriam's assertion that your partner is the expert on her. You can help things along by becoming a better expert on you as well. What is it that you are craving and likely trying to get your need met in potentially unhelpful ways from your girlfriend or in ways she doesn't understand or vibe with?  If you can better explain your own needs while trying to understand hers, you all have a recipe for great success! When both partners seek to serve one another and stay curious about each other in the process, intimacy abounds!Best of luck my friend! And if you get stuck, of course seeking help from a professional is always a great idea too. ;)

relationships

I regret ever hurting her and they mean the world to me. But it feels like nothing I do seem to work. I'll always love them no matter what and when I'm with them nothing else matters. I love them more then anything. I don't want another guy raising my kids.

How you you expressed your regret and taken responsibility for the pain thus far? Repair is a very essential skill in and part of developing healthy relationships. Your love sounds deep, sit with that. Also sit with how she's been hurt. You get to feel your hurt too and your kids. In feeling all this you may also find our way to the repair. If feeling all this is tough to take on, seek out a local therapist to support your process.

parenting

My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?

Hi, your situation sounds very complicated and sensitive.  It is important to handle it with care as it involves your children.  When parents are attempting to co-parent, the clearer the boundaries and expectations are the easier it gets to effectively co-parent.  Parenting your child is not “living in the past”, allow me to reframe that approach and instead view it as an investment in your future.  Your child will forever be your child and deserves and active loving and caring father.  Staying away sends a different message to your child and leaves room for resentment.  Find a way to create an agreement between you and your ex-wife with the best interest of your child as the focus.  The courts are able to assist with this goal as well.

parenting

My fiancé and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying "whatever" and "leave me alone." But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Your situation sounds a little painful.Have you brought up any of these topics for discussion with your fiancé?Now is a good time for finding out if and how your future husband is interested and addresses the way you are feeling.Until the two of you open up what bothers you, all you or anyone who talks to you about the situation, can do is take guesses as to what is driving your finance's behaviors.Also, in the moment of when your fiancé texts you words you find surprising or startling, you can tell him this.   Maybe by being clear and truthful about how what he writes affects you, then next time he will change what he tells you.And if he doesn't, then you know that you explained yourself, he had this information about you and that , he isn't that willing to consider what you told him. Really, the best first step is to open up all the topics you wrote about here, with him.  This way you'll give each of you to discuss how to care about one another in a meaningful way.

intimacy

My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

The only two people who know the answer to your question are your husband and the prostitute.The question you did and can answer is the reason you would doubt your husband, which is bc of his multiple stories.Ideally your husband cares to restore your sense of confidence in the stories he tells you.If you state your doubts and your interest for the truth, ideally he will produce enough evidence of the truth so you will have facts and can make sense of them.   Hopefully the two of you will do this sense making together, especially if he did have sex w the prostititute.If he's unwilling to care about restoring your trust in him, then this is a different problem entirely.

intimacy

When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.

I understand that as a mom it must be really hard to see your daughter stressing about things at school. Based on your description it sounds as though she has very high expectations of herself and is pushing herself to keep up. I hear your concern and recommend that to start, you provide her a space where she can express herself openly to you without judgement. Although it may seem as though this is "not normal", unfortunately it is. From standardized testing, to awards, to scholarships, the pressure is on to perform at high levels for kids today. Secondly, I would recommend that you connect her with therapist that can teach her coping and stress management skills that can help alleviate some of her anxiety. A therapist can also help her identify any faulty beliefs she may have in regards to perfectionism or fear of failure. You're doing a great job keeping an eye out for your daughter and being in tune with her emotional wellness!

parenting

I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?

Although some people managing depression feel sad or "down",  it is a possible to have depression without an obvious sad mood.  Many people indicate that they feel numb or flat.  People managing depression often have low motivation. They may stay in bed for long periods of time and only get up for absolutely necessary activities.  People with depression may also feel inappropriate guilt or shame.   If you have been experiencing the symptoms you described for more than two weeks, I recommend that you see a counselor to get a more in-depth evaluation.   The symptoms you are experiencing are typical of depression, and with a bit of support, you could regain energy and improved self-esteem.  The stigma surrounding mental health can make a diagnosis or a label of depression seem scary.  The important thing to remember is that mental health disorders are as important as and as treatable physical health disorders.    Hang in there.  Healing is possible!

depression

I'm transgender, I know I am, but I've only told a few friends. I know I can't tell my family because of previous conversations we've had. They just wouldn't accept it. My gender dysphoria is getting really difficult to deal with on my own. I need some strategies for dealing with it. What should I do?

Hello, and thank you for your question. I am so glad that you reached out for help. I know that the dysphoria can feel nearly impossible to handle, especially since you have limited support from people who accept who you are. You may already know some of these resources, but I am going to share a few. 1. The website www.letsqueerthingsup.com is a blog from a very good writer that I know. His name is Sam Dylan Finch, and he is transgender. He writes about mental health, transgender issues, and many other topics. I know he has frequently written about gender dysphoria and ways to manage it. You may want to check out his site and do a search on there. 2. The website www.everydayfeminism.com employs many transgender writers and several have written about gender dysphoria and have given ideas for managing it. If you search for gender dysphoria on their site, many articles pop up. It may be a good resource for you, especially if you ever feel lonely and start to forget that there are others out there who are like you and have your back. 3. I am not sure where you live, but there are counselors who specialize in affirmative therapy, which is what is recommended for folks who are part of the LGBTQ community. So, if you decide to see a counselor about the dysphoria, try to find one that specifically says they have been trained in the affirmative approach. In addition, feel free to ask questions of the counselor before agreeing to see them for counseling. An ethical counselor would have no problem answering them before having you come in. 4. If there are some LGBTQ resource centers in your area, try to reach out to them and see if there are support groups. Gaining more support from others would be helpful. Sometimes LGBTQ-friendly counselors leave their contact information for people in resource centers. 5. Finally, I know you have not mentioned being depressed or suicidal, but I also know that it is very common for people to consider suicide when they are struggling with dysphoria, dealing with transphobia, etc. If this ever happens to you, please call 911 or the Trans Lifeline. It's free at 877-565-8860. Visit their site at www.translifeline.org. I hope some of these ideas help. Feel free to send another message if you have a follow-up question.Be well....be YOU.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

lgbtq

I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?

Self love and self acceptance is something that many of my clients struggle with, so I can assure you that you are not alone. We are bombarded by media and advertisements everyday that try to sell us things to make us somehow better, thus leading us to believe that we are not enough. Unfortunately, I believe that low self esteem is a social epidemic.On a more personal level, do you have any sense of what types of messages you have received in your life that have led to these self defeating thoughts? For example, did a parent or another loved one criticize you or put you down often? Were you bulled in school? Has a romantic partner emotionally abused you? Usually, there are factors such as these which insidiously lead to low self esteem and self loathing. Once you can identify some of the factors that lead to your self hatred, you can make a decision to not let these things from your past have such power over you any more. You learn to take control of how you feel about yourself, rather than letting others dictate that for you. I do think it is possible to heal from self hatred. It doesn't happen over night, and it takes time and effort. It is about re-training your brain to focus on your strengths rather than on your weaknesses. None of us are ever going to be perfect, and if we look for a flaw we are bound to find one (or two, or three...). Try keeping a self esteem journal. Every night, write down three things that you were proud of that day about yourself. Try reciting positive affirmations every day (such as "I am lovable and beautiful just the way that I am today"), to re-program your mind into thinking highly of yourself, rather than poorly.

self-esteem

I've only been married three months. Every week, we argue about something, and it seems to be getting worse.

One key factor to consider is, are you able to repair after your arguments? It seems from your question that repair is lacking after any disagreement or argument. When couples are able to repair after an argument, they have an opportunity to learn more about each other's needs moving forward. I'm also curious if you're having the same type of arguments over and over? If you're stuck in a particular pattern, and can start recognizing what happens between you when this pattern happens, then you can start to name it. Once you name it, then you can take a break to cool off and come back to each after your nervous system has had a chance to calm down (about 30 minutes). The key here though is to make sure you have a plan in place - when things are good between you - an agreement between you that when you both start to get escalated, you'll name it or have an agreed upon code word to signal you don't want to continue this cycle, and then agree to cool off and come back together at a later time. That way, when this is enacted during an argument, nobody feels abandoned during the cool off time. Rather, both partners know they will return at a time when they can truly hear each other and hear their needs.

marriage

My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.

You should start by speaking with her about what has her so down. Have their been some significant events in her life that have affected her? Have their been significant events in your relationship that can be affecting  you both? If she just stopped drinking, she may be struggling to finding an alternative and healthier behavior. This is something the two of you can explore together. Also, if need be perhaps she can speak to a therapist to discuss her feelings about quitting alcohol. It sounds like you really care and right now she could use all the support she can get despite her pushing you away.

depression

Sometimes, I'm fine and can go out or meet people, but other days, my heart races and words physically cannot come out of my mouth. I've always thought it was normal and I was just nervous, but the other day, it took me almost 30 minutes of sitting in my car to find the courage to enter Target by myself.

Though I don't know for sure, it sounds like anxiety to me. I think it would be helpful if you work with a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders.

anxiety

I've hit my head on walls and floors ever since I was young. I sometimes still do it but I don't exactly know why, I have anxiety and I had a rough childhood but now I'll start to hit my head and sometimes not realize it but I don't know how to stop or even why I'm doing it. How can I help myself to change my behavior?

Give yourself a lot of empathy and care for having had a rough childhood and realizing that life can be better than how you were treated when growing up.Be patient with yourself too bc lasting change takes time. Alternatives to hitting your head require constant gentle reminders to do these new behaviors, or if you've discovered a satisfying alternative in one moment, time is required for you to repeat this alternative until it feels natural.Anxiety usually means someone did not feel well understood growing up and was rushed to comply with the wishes of others who were a regular part of their lives.Anxiety lessens as the person starts to know and accept their wishes and needs as valid.  Allow yourself to learn who you truly are in the spirit of accepting whatever you discover about yourself.The behaviors will naturally change with your new understanding and self acceptance.Good luck and enjoy this self discovery project!

anxiety

When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.

Sometimes stress helps us become motivated and thrive to do better however, if your daughter is stressing to the point that she is crying and freaking out then that would be concerning. Helping your daughter with relaxation techniques like deep breathing or guided imagery would be a good start. Also, reminding your daughter that you see her doing so well in school and that most importantly you are there for her. I would also make an appointment to see a mental health therapist they can have more ideas on ways to de-stress.

parenting

I've been with my husband for eight years now. We have split twice before, and the first time was because he cheated. I took him back months later, and he really tried making it up to me by making a lot of changes. However, we continued to have issues because of my lack of trust. My insecurities and trust issues lead to physical abuse, which lead to us separating again. During that separation, he consoled himself by talking to the same girl he cheated on me with. But we then ended up back together and worked it out for a while until I got pregnant with our second child. The baby was a few months old, and he confessed to me about his secret relationship with her. He told me how he could never stop talking to her and how, during our issues, she has been and is the only women he's gone behind my back with (but on a friendship level because she's miles away). He confessed how he fought feelings for her and feels like he's possibly in love with her too. He said he feels like he's in love with the both of us now because this women has fallen for him, and she hasn't been able to leave him alone since. Even though she knows that he's still with me and happy with our family, she can’t help it, and he confessed how his feeling for her are mutual. Being that he loves me too, he wanted to be with the both of us at the same time. He wanted to have affairs with her behind my back by flying her out and staying at a hotels, but he didn't want me to find out, so he told me everything. He said he didn't want to continue to lie to me and so I can finally stop accusing him of being with other women when it's only been this one girl the whole time. He feels like my insecurities and trust issues are what pushed him closer towards her, and that no matter what he did to do right, I would still accuse him. He's caught up in his feelings and pretty much says that he wants her but doesn't want me to leave him because I'm the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. I'm of course hurt and in shock. I feel like I have to make a decision on whether I want to allow it and deal with having to share him or walk away. Both of these decisions are really hard to make because I feel like whether I stay or go, my heart will still be torn apart. I have to make a decision quick because she will be flying out sooner than I thought.

Hi Jayuya, I'm struggling in this moment with my own biases. I have biases that are about respect and every individual's need for and right to respect. Your husband lies, cheats and physically hurts you. He makes excuses and blames you for these behaviours and trains you to do the same. He demonstrates many controlling and abusive behaviours. And now, in an attempt to manipulate and silence you, he wants to have his cake and eat it too and suggests you should share him? There aren't many crumbs of this cake left for you, are there?So, my biases about respect don't make me want to rescue you or tell you what to do; I can't do that, and I don't think either of those things will help you. I'd like to ask you some questions though...Are you happy? Do you know what happy is? Do you know what respect is? Are your children safe? Are your children witnessing violence (because if they are, then they're not safe)? Do you have supports? Do your family and friends know what's happening in your life? Have you ever been to a women's shelter? Are you willing to sit down in an office with a professional who can help you think clearly? That's what I suggest. These are big decisions, you deserve some support. I wish you the best.

intimacy

How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Having the perfect therapist can be the key to any fruitful relationship. My private practice uses Life Coaching, though I am professionally qualified in many therapeutic modalities. The therapeutic relationship is the initial step of any treatment program or goal attainment process. We can discover an appreciation of having discovered the best character to show you on this journey in excellent communication. Does the person “get you” and are you on the same page in the therapeutic process? The therapist should have considerable experience that combines professional instruction on the matters that you need guidance to overpower. If the therapist doesn’t have all the fundamental experiences, is he/she prepared to locate the suitable means that you require or have the capabilities to recommend you to someone while following up and continuing a prosperous and beneficial relationship with you. If for some reason you are required to continue with a therapist and advance on this relationship, make certain that the communication areas are consistently transparent. Express yourself openly in disclosing your objectives and purpose. Try to find a commonality with the therapist that encompasses various pathways of motivation for them to learn and grow while maintaining a focus on your present accomplishments. Optimal Communication is consistently the key to a healthy relationship.

counseling-fundamentals

My husband and I got into a huge dispute. He said he wanted a divorce, and I left. I still come home a lot and see my kids, and he has not filed yet even though he still said he is. What does that mean for our marriage?

In any relationship, including marriage, each partner will be better able to do their part, by understanding their own interests and wishes.Concentrate more on what you'd like from your marriage.  This will naturally raise the questions and criteria of what to talk with your husband about and what to ask of him.Think over whether you wish to divorce or not.Since he hasn't taken any action, then for the moment, you can assume he is not sure of what he wants.Once you feel a little more clear on your opinion about your marriage, including feeling uncertain if you'd like it to end or continue, then you will be able to tell your husband the suggestions you have for resolving the dispute matter and emotions.Try to re-direct your speculations about, "what does he want", "I wonder what he's thinking", back to answering these very reasonable questions, about yourself.This will strengthen your own purpose in clarifying where to start and guide a discussion with him.Good luck!

relationship-dissolution

I found the guy I’m dating on dating websites. He was telling women that they were beautiful. He said it wasn’t him and that the phone was hacked. It has since happened two other times. He says he loves me and I’m the only girl he wants to be with, but I feel he is not telling me the truth.

Tell him what you know and ask why he is lying to you.   If he tells you he isn't lying and you have proof that he is, then you can either accept that he denies the truth or not.

intimacy

My fiancé doesn't think I trust him because I was cheated on before. However, he hides his phone and has been texting his ex-girlfriend, who he has two kids with. What should I do?

Oh Chino, I only have half the picture here so I will be cautious. There's a chicken and an egg, and I don't know which came first. One thing I see clearly is that your fiance will always have to have communications with his ex, because they have children. Can you accept that? When suspicion and insecurity come along, your job is to look at the big picture and the real picture. Is there any real evidence that he is cheating? Remember that texting his ex is not evidence alone if the communications are about the kids. Has he earned your trust? If so, then it's not fair to punish him for the betrayals of others. He's not your ex. Reassure your heart that you are his priority if the larger evidence supports that. At the same time, you can let him know what your triggers are. For example, hiding his phone doesn't send you a good message, right? See, this is the chicken and the egg...is he hiding the phone because you've been overreacting when he gets a text?  So let him know you won't blow up about him getting a text if he doesn't conceal or password his phone. Transparency helps build trust. You have sensitivities, and it helps you a lot if he's aware of them and willing to try not to do things that trigger fear. Let him know when you get scared, and hopefully he'll give you the openness and security you need in order to trust him and act as if you trust him.  :)

relationships

Does this go against any ethical codes? Are there legal ramifications?

Generally, the ethical codes only prohibit relationships with clients. There are however a few types of counselor-to-counselor relationships that are prohibited by the ethics codes. Such prohibited relationships include those between supervisors and supervisees; between professors and students; or any time the relationship might negatively impact your (or their) clients. Lastly, some workplaces have rules against dating coworkers. It would be a good idea to check if there is such a rule that applies to you.

workplace-relationships

I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that I’m an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety.

Hi. Even though (thankfully) your parents responded well to you telling them, and you received treatment, it's possible, and very normal for sexual abuse trauma to affect you in different ways as you age and develop. Please see a therapist, who can help you find the root of the anxiety.

anxiety

My husband had an emotional affair with his ex-wife in November. She invited him to dinner, alone, with their daughter. I wasn’t aware of this until after 11pm when I asked where he was. He had been drinking, and I told him not to come home that night. The next morning, we talked about going to counseling. He went out that night with friends and said his ex-wife wasn't going. I found out in April that she did go. I gave him the chance to get everything out in the open. I found out that he stayed that second night with her. I asked if they slept in the same bed, and he said yes, both nights. His daughter wasn't there the second night. He claims they didn't have sex, but what else should I think?

My answer is going to be super simplistic but I believe this may be what you need. Ask your husband if he wants to stay married to you.  If he says yes, then it would be helpful to go to a marriage counselor and work this out with a professional.  If he says no, then you can file for divorce.

intimacy

My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Yes, certainly your mom's difficulty in having meaningful conversations with people results from the Alzheimer's disease process which weakens her brain function.Feeling a sense of guilt in relation to a parent, is pretty common for everyone.This is because as little kids and babies, we had a strong reliance on a parent and believing every word they sad and wishing to follow each action they ask or demand, was for the benefit of our own survival.One way of coping with your feeling of guilt is to examine it.Ask what it is you're feeling guilty about?Chances are that your sense of guilt is less due to what you're currently saying or doing to help your mom.Very likely, your guilt feeling is awakening the sense of obligation that you and all of us feel toward a parent simply because parents seem to have unquestionable power when we are very young.After all, you're thoughtful enough to write a question, so chances are great that you're already actively involved in caring for your mom.

family-conflict

I'm an early 20 something year-old virgin, and my boyfriend is in his early 20s with kids. He's cheated on me twice: once in the beginning and then four months ago. He wasn't use to dating a virgin and broke up with me three times because he wasn't sure. We both work at the same job (where we met) and it’s with the girl that works with us. I've been trying to get over it, but now my confidence and self-esteem are low, and sometimes I feel like he’ll do it again or that he's not ready to be with me. I think about it all over again when I see her. He says he's in love with me, and with the last time he cheated, it didn't feel right, and that's when he knew he had to stop because his feelings were for me. He's contacted her and told her he will not communicate with her because he's in a relationship with me. How do I gain confidence? Should I let him go? If I let him go, I don't want to be sad about it being that we work together. I try to tell myself I'm beautiful every day, and I think I am a pretty attractive female with a great personality, but I don't like the fact that she works there.

Sorry to hear about all the stress in the relationship.You're on the right track by knowing and sticking with your own standards of what qualifies as acceptable behavior by your boyfriend.Since he was the one who broke your trust, he is one in the position of earning back your trust.This is always a basic formula for couple's therapy in which there has been infidelity.Understand within yourself whether you'd like being with your boyfriend and what you'd like him to do so that you start feeling more secure in the relationship.If yes, then tell him what you now know about yourself as partner in the relationship.For example, some people who are getting over being cheated on, would like knowing details about the affair person, some people want to see the phone of the one who cheated.Recuperating after a cheating incident takes many months.If he tells you he'd like earning back your trust, give him some time to see if there is progress in this area.As results unfold, you will feel clearer on the direction your relationship is naturally taking.About the girl at work, she will feel less meaningful to you as you work together with your boyfriend on securing the relationship.She has her greatest meaning right now because you are at the beginning stage of knowing what direction to take.As you go along this road, more than likely, you'll be more at ease in naturally finding a way of relating to her that feels ok to you.

relationships

There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?

That sounds awful, and is clearly unsustainable.  There are some great answers that give some guidance about what might be an underlying condition.  If all physical and mental health issues are ruled out, it's time to take action.  Get backup from friends or family members if you need to, but let your daughter know you are giving her 30 days notice.  She needs to find another place to live within that time.  If she wants to stay with you, be clear that first she has to go, with a potential to return after she has been out for a good chunk of time.  Once out, she can prove to you, and more importantly to herself, that she is capable of maintaining her health and her environment.  Remember, you are going to rule out issues that would make it impossible for her to be successful; if she is in good health, her staying with you and living this way is actually harming her.

parenting

I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it. I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?

I am sorry for your loss. I understand the difficulty of needing help and not having financial resources. In some areas, you can dial 211 and find resources in the area that may be free of cost or low cost. In addition, often hospitals and community centers, churches, etc. have support groups. These are often free and many include grief and loss issues. Finally, there are some therapists who work on sliding scales and even sometimes offer pro bono sessions for clients. Hopefully some of these leads work out for you so that you can get the support that you need.

grief-and-loss

Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?

Let's just start with acknowledging that trust is huge and betrayal hurts. You're entitled to your feelings; all of them and you need to know that your husband understands you. That said some ways are more effective at rebuilding and repairing relationships that others. I am a big fan of The Gottman Method for couples therapy, especially following infedienity. You can read about this approach in Gottman's books: "The Science of Trust" and "Making Love Last" and/or you can seek a Gottman Certified couples therapist here: https://www.gottman.com/private-therapy/

marriage

I'm feeling different towards my husband. I feel I am growing from the relationship. I have been with my husband for six years and married for almost five. I just don't feel that connection anymore. I feel nothing. I don't know why or if I'm just being irrational.

Lacey, I'm SO glad you wrote. Thousands of people are having this same feeling right now. I'm glad you're paying attention to it. When you first meet someone, there are all kinds of sparkly feelings and you both do and say lots of things to cement the attachment and create deep intimacy and connection. Then what happens is because we have that connection established, we instinctively cut back on those loving behaviours because we don't have to work hard to earn their love anymore. That sparkly feeling typically lasts a few years (long enough to procreate and keep the human race going), and then it wears off a bit, and you end up looking at each other thinking "how come I don't feel the same anymore?"Mostly (not always, and I'll get to that in a minute) all that this means is you've stopped doing all those loving things you used to do! It's as though you filled the car with gas, you've run out of gas now, and you're forgetting to put more in!The first clear solution to this feeling is to bring back more of your own loving behaviours that you've cut back on. Act lovingly, and you will likely regain those feelings. Talk to your partner about this. It's okay to say "do you remember we used to do X,Y and Z? Can we do that again? Can I get more of the foot rubs you used to give me?" Ask for what you want (instead of complaining). What are your 'love languages'? What are your partner's? Marriages need to be fed. It's that simple. Many things get in the way...children, jobs, but mostly complacency. Get active with your love!Okay, now, you might read this and think "that's not what's happening". That's a cue to talk to someone, like a therapist, about your feelings. People do grow and change and sometimes relationships don't fit anymore. But these are huge decisions, not to be made lightly. I wish you happiness.

marriage

At a friend's house, we had some drinks and watched some television. He got up and went to bed. I felt sick. He came out to see if I was okay, and I said no. I said I wanted to go home, and he told me to come lay down. As I laid down on the bed, he started touching me. A friend called me, then I able to leave.

I am so sorry that this happened to you and am so glad that you were able to get away.  Your body is yours and yours alone.  I would highly recommend that you find a therapist who specializes in treating trauma in order to help you to heal from your ordeal.

trauma

I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real.

Nightmare are actually very common for survivors of domestic violence. If they are affecting you the the point where you feel like you need to do something, you may want to consider processing your memories of the events with a trained trauma therapist. Another good option, may be to attend a support group for survivors where you could process your memories in a safe space where others will be able to provide support and understanding for what you went through as well as encouragement for the strength it took you to get out of that relationship. You may also want to consider completing a screening or assessment to rule out post-traumatic stress disorder as well.

domestic-violence

My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

It sounds like you've been living with this uncertainty for those couple years since this happened.  The reality is you won't ever "know" - mostly because of the various versions your husband has provided you.  Infidelity, though painful, does not have to kill a marriage.  Secrecy and dishonesty certainly will though.   I encourage you and your husband to seek therapy together with someone who specializes in couples work.  The longer you wait to do so, the more damage is done to whatever connection you have and the greater the distrust will become. Please get qualified help, for your and your husband's sake.

intimacy

I went to my ex-boyfriend to reach out to one of his high school friends who's attempted to commit suicide. When I went to him to reach out to his high school friend, he told me that I put him in a terrible position and put an enormous load on his shoulders. He was very angry that I went to him to do that. Am I in the wrong for going to him to reach out? He helped me so much with my depression and bad habits, so that's why I thought of him to reach out. He made me feel awful for thinking highly of him to help. Why did he react this way towards me? I think he's being selfish.

Your compassionate reach out to the friend is praiseworthy.That your ex bf has trouble accepting your gesture as kindness shows your ex bf is not seeing the situation clearly.I believe your ex bf's words about feeling burdened by your action.However, he is mixing up his own responsibility to know the root of his feelings.Blaming you for feelings he doesn't understand within himself is unfair and not helpful to anyone, including him.From what you write, you did nothing wrong and your action toward the potential suicider was gracious.My only guess which is also very general about your ex bf's behavior is that he doesn't yet fully understand himself and finds blaming others easier than understanding himself.

intimacy

I’m a teenager. My entire family needs family therapy, and more than likely individual therapy. My parents refuse to take action, and I'm tired of it. Is there any way I can get out of this myself?

This is a question that I often get from patients.  Can I get my family into therapy? How can I get someone else to do something that I think is best for them?  The answer is you can suggest, but you can’t force them.  I spend a lot of time teaching my patients the importance of recognizing the difference between the things that we can change and the things or people that we cannot.   Understanding that we do not have control over other’s outcome, gives a break to breathe and reduce our anxiety.   It also helps up to recognize that we CAN create change by changing ourselves.  “BE  THE CHANGE YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE”. Have you heard that quote?  It means that by changing your thinking, what you say and your actions, you can impact your surroundings.  Talking to your parents about how you feel regarding your family dynamics and suggesting in a sensitive and loving manner that therapy may be helpful for all of you, is a good way to approach the subject.  Whether or not they receive the suggestion seek your own therapy, talk to them about your experience and show them with your actions how your life is moving beyond family issues. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas, currently providing services in West Houston.  You may reach me at 787-466-5478 to schedule an appointment.    ¿Cómo encuentro un terapista para mi familia siendo yo un menor?Soy adolecente.  Toda mi familia necesita terapia familiar y probablemente terapia individual.   Mis padres se reúsan a tomar acción,  estoy cansado de esto.  ¿Hay alguna manera en que me pueda salir de esta situación?Esto es una pregunta que comúnmente recibo de mis pacientes.  ¿Puedo hacer que mi familia venga a terapia?  ¿Cómo puedo lograr que otras personas hagan lo que yo creo que es mojos para ellos?  Puedes sugerir, pero no puedes obligarlos.  Dedico mucho tiempo en enseñarles a mis pacientes la importancia de reconocer la diferencia entre las cosas que podemos controlar y las cosas o personas que no podemos controlar.  Al entender que no tenemos control sobre otros, nos permite relajarnos y reducir la ansiedad.   También nos ayuda a reconocer que podemos crear cambios cuando decidimos cambiar nosotros.   “SE EL CAMBIO QUE QUIRES EN TU VUDA” ¿Has escuchado esa frase?  Significa que cambiando lo que piensas, dices y tus acciones, puedes cambiar tus circunstancias.  Hablar con tu padres sobre cómo te sientes en respecto a la dinámica familiar, y sugerirles de manera sensible que pueden recibir ayuda terapéutica, puede ser la mejor manera de iniciar la conversación. Pero si reciben o no tu sugerencia, es importante que busques iniciar tu proceso de terapia, háblales de tu experiencia y demuéstrales con tus acciones como superas los obstáculos más allá del drama familiar. Soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y Puerto Rico, veo clientes en el este de Houston y proveo servicios de tele terapia.  Para una cita puedes llamar al 787-466-5478.

family-conflict

I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have "anxiety" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?

It is ok to have anxiety.   Please don't be anxious about being anxious.If you feel anxiety coming over you, then pull off the road to a safe place.   Concentrate on centering yourself and to breath slowly.   Take some sips of water.  Sit still.     The anxiety should pass in about twenty minutes.If it does not pass, then continue calming yourself until you feel safe enough to drive to your hotel.     You can always explain to your supervisor that you were taking care of a medical problem, because anxiety is a medical problem.

anxiety

I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have "anxiety" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?

First of all, congratulations on your new role! Transitions can be challenging, and it sounds like you are experiencing a lot of change.  This would be difficult for many people, and it seems that you have an added layer of challenge.  I recommend visiting a therapist to determine the root cause of your anxiety and working to unravel those causes piece by piece. I know seeing a therapist can be challenging when traveling, and online counseling could be a good solution. In the meantime, here are a few of my favorite anxiety stopping strategies.  1. Grounding Exercises: When you feel your anxiety increasing, take a deep breath and begin things in your room (or where ever you are) that have things in common. For example, name all of the blue things that you can see.  You can also do non-visual grounding exercises like naming all of the hte sports teams you can think of or all of the state capitals.  This will get your mind off of your anxiety and connect you to space.  2. The pretzel: This is a seated pose that will stop any anxiety attack in its tracks.  Start in a seated position and cross your dominate leg over your nondominant leg. Then, stretch your arms out in front of you with the back of your hands facing one another.  Cross your arms in front of each other so that your palms are touching.  Flip your arms into your body.  You will end with your elbows by your side and your hands crossed under your chin.  Close your eyes and take long breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.  This calming pose will help you get through even the toughest of panic episodes. 3. Bilateral stimulation and visualization: Start in a seated position with your hands placed on your knees. Tap each knee in an alternating pattern. Close your eyes and begin visualizing a peaceful setting. The combination of bilateral stimulation and visualization will help calm your body and mind.  I could go on and on, but these techniques should get you started.  These techniques should help you manage anxiety in a pinch.  Best of luck!

anxiety

I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself. I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation. How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?

Moving on from a long term relationship can be difficult.  Sometimes we can lose a sense of who we are because in a way we have become defined by the relationship itself.  So, when we begin to move on and see other people, our sense of identity may be obscured.  The tendency is to seek out validation to give us a feeling of worthiness.   That it's ok to move on and be happy.   This is a relatively normal reaction.  It's important to treat yourself with kindness and compassion through this time in your life.  Mindful self-compassion can be a great way to begin the process of getting that sense of who you are back and what you want in a relationship.  I think its important to look back, learn what you can from the previous relationship, and become a better person for it in the future.  At the same time, taking the necessary time to nuture yourself on a mind, body, and spirit level. Self-compassion allows you to turn inward and except all facets of who you are.  It improves your capacity for love, vulnerability, emotional openness, social interconnectedness, and self-respect.  My philosophy is holistic, collaborative, and accepting.  The cornerstone of my treatment philosophy is mindfulness and other evidenced based integrative modalities.  I work as your ally to help you cultivate abundant self-compassion in your life, so that you can have the types of relationships you want.

anxiety

I'm a teenager, and I created a sort of imaginary friend to help me cope with stressful situations or if I'm worried or upset. She "gives me advice" and comforts me and tells me it'll be okay. I've given her a name (Solace) and created a personality for her that's like a comforting motherly figure. I know it's just my own advice and my own thoughts, but it's just that I'm thinking of them through a voice other than my own. I do this because I know I never really listen to my own advice, and I thought it would be better if it was through someone else who knew my thought process in and out, through this imaginary friend. Is this normal? Could it develop into a separate personality with time if I continue a mentality that she is her own person?

Since you are saying that you know that the thoughts are yours and your thinking of them in a different person's voice to make them easier for you to follow through on, it doesn't sound like it could develop into another personality.It may be helpful to also find other things that give you comfort and to practice telling yourself that it will be okay in your own voice. If you start to do that slowly, it may be more comfortable for you. If you're following following through with your own advice, it sounds like some part of you knows that you are making choices that you agree with.What else gives you comfort? Maybe there's a room that you like to be in when you are home or a certain outfit or color that makes you feel good. Focusing on these things may also be comforting to you.

behavioral-change

My boyfriend and I have been arguing every night about the same thing. He also tells me that if I go visit my mother out of state he will be gone when I get back. He and my mother do not get along. What should I do?

A relationship gets weaker, not stronger by threatening control of the other person.Start by telling your boyfriend to keep his remarks about you and the interests he is in which you two disagree, limited to these areas.Your relationship with your mother is between you and her.Regardless of how much he doesn't like her, to not respect your mother daughter relationship is unreasonable and disrespectful toward you.Threatening to take action against you by withdrawing himself from your relationship, is almost guaranteed to harm the good feelings between the two of you.Does you boyfriend dislike your mother for any reason having to do with her being a danger to you?Ask his reason since if he does this from concern for your emotional or physical safety, then this is good sentiment which is handled incorrectly, by a threat to you.What you should do is ask your boyfriend to not threaten you and to calmly talk about the topics you bring up here.

family-conflict

I have been falling into a deep depression where I can no function during the day and night. The only time I am at peace is when I’m asleep. If I am with friends, family, at work, and mainly alone, I cannot think straight. I no longer feel like myself.

I don't know how long ago your breakup was, but I would suggest that you reach out to friends or family that you trust and perhaps a local mental health clinician.I'm not sure what you mean when you say that you are not able to function during the day and night. If you are having trouble sleeping for more than a few nights, consider talking with your primary care physician. Not sleeping can really make changes in your emotions seem much larger.Can you find anything in your life that is the same as it was before the breakup? This may be a starting point for you. I wonder if you could think of and moment or two each day when you feel emotionally at peace while you are awake. Also consider looking at things that you can control, such as when you choose to wear, eat, and who you talk to about your deepest feelings.You mentioned that you have friends and family. I wonder if any of them are supportive to you.Please reach out and talk to someone about the details. I get the sense that you feel that you are alone in this, and having someone there to help you sort out what you're feeling sounds like it would be a gift to yourself.

depression

I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I've been upset for no reason and feeling anxious. I'm feeling burnt out. What can help me feel better?

Does it help to put a name to the experience you are having? Where you first said, "I've been upset for no reason and feeling anxious," you then say that you are "feeling burnt out," which gives a little more context to what may have once felt like "no reason." Perhaps you are feeling burnt out! That is a big deal, and please try not to take it lightly! When we get burnt out, I have found that it's from one of two things: either we are not doing what we want, or we are doing too much (either of something we want or something we don't, doesn't really matter once we get into doing too much.)If either of those rings true for your experience, try as much as possible to sit with the experience and get a better sense of where the burn out is coming from. I wrote about burnout for a newsletter and it is on my website. I don't want to do shameless promotion, but I thought it could also add to helping you: https://davidkleintherapy.com/my-experiences-with-burnout/I hope that you can also see that it's not an abnormal experience.

anxiety

My fiancée is always letting me know how I am a horrible/evil person, or I just don’t care enough when it’s about her feeling or when she is having an off day.

One thing you could try is to have a conversation when neither of you is upset so that you learn what makes each of you feel cared for and valued. It could be that you are showing caring in a way that doesn't quite match what she is really looking for in that moment. For example, having an in-depth conversation could be something that you want, but she may just want a hug in that moment. I don't know if you heard of Gary Chapman's book about love languages, but it may be helpful.

intimacy

I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?

Hi,Reaching out here is a great start! I recommend looking for somebody in your area that works with people experiencing depression. After you've chosen somebody to try, feel free to call them for a consultation! A lot of counselors and therapists offer free consultations, and remember that your counselor is working for you, so make sure they are a good fit! I hope this has been of some help.

depression

I have a mother who is still running my life even though I'm almost 30 years old. I want to move out and live my own life, but it feels like as long as I do what my mom wants our relationship is okay. It's never okay if I don't do what she wants. I don't know how to start making my own decisions and not worry about whether it's right in her eyes. Would it help for me to talk to someone about this?

If the only way the relationship you have with your mother feels "okay" is when she is the only one who makes decisions concerning your life, then this only seems ok.In fact it is not okay for one person to be the authority for another person unless the one for whom this is being done, does not have their own ability to think for themselves.Separating your own wishes and way of handling life matters, from your mother's point of view, may be difficult.First, realize you need to get familiar with feeling at ease with the idea of deciding matters for yourself.You'll need practice until you feel comfortable.Unless, if you've been thinking through decisions you'd like to make and the idea of your mother's anger is the only point which stopped you, then you may almost instantly start living in a liberated way of running your own life.Basically, it is right and fair for you to have the chance to live your life the way you feel is best.   Be prepared that your mother may disagree with you and that her disagreement is not a reason itself to not do what you believe is in your best interest.

family-conflict

What should I do when we see each other?

I am so sorry this happened.  Sharing a part of your private life without your permission can be so painful.  I might suggest (depending on your relationship) reaching out to your sister and discussing this (or setting boundary that you don't want to discuss your private life).  I might also speak with your wife and share how hurt you are and what you need to happen moving forward to begin to heal.

lgbtq

When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.

children and adolescents who have a desire to achieve high grade point averages often have the symptoms you are describing. It sounds like, your gut is telling you to help her find ways to de-stress. Listen to your gut-always; as her mom, you know her needs better than anyone else. She would probably benefit from seeing a therapist to help her deal with the stress of being a high achiever. I provided the following suggestion to another parent with a similar concern: First identify the three most stressful aspects of the day. Do this by creating a circle on a regular size paper. (do this three times); ask your daughter how much of that circle can she confidently say she has under control. shade that in. The remaining parts of the circle are then named by intensity. (for example, in the circle labeled school anxiety, the client identified that she felt she could handle school anxiety 1 out of 4 days. The circle was split into 1/4. 1/4 of the circle was shaded . the remaining parts were labeled with the challenges that caused the client school anxiety.(these were 1. walking to class during passing time. 2. not having the assignments completed or at all. 3. feeling fat. after labeling each part; and making note of the percentage of the stress associated with each concern, free form thinking takes place and a pile of unwanted behaviors and genetic responses are portrayed  around the circle in bright colors. Using note cards, create a tree of concern; the concerns can be written on note cards. a concern = the behavior that leads to more trouble.  For example, "all i could do was think about that extra slice of pizza, I was unable to concentrate on the teacher's explanation of the assignment" (the concern you would write on the note card is Inability to concentrate. Now, fill up the back of the notecard with all of the different factors causing this pattern. nack. (

parenting

I've recently thought that i could be transgender but I've never had the mind of a girl.

Hello Frostproof,Thinking about becoming transgender and being transgender are slightly different.  This is a topic that is best discussed with a therapist that specializes in LGBTQ issues.  From what you have written it sounds as if you still have some confusion as to where you fit in with the "labeling system".  While labels provide a means to quickly identify and classify, they can also feel restrictive or confining.  Instead of focusing on fitting into a specific classification, explore who you are as a person and celebrate your positive qualities and those things that make you uniquely you!  There are many options for you to find a therapist and e-therapy is also an option.  You can try Breakthrough an online service.   Here is some reading for refection that you may find helpful.  Yin Yang Woman Man http://dld.bz/ejVK2  What does it mean to be a woman or a man?

lgbtq

I’ve been on 0.5 mg of Xanax twice a day for the past month. It hasn't been helping me at all, but when I take 1 mg during a big anxiety attack, it calms me down. I was wondering how I can ask my psychologist to up the dose to 1 mg twice a day without her thinking I'm abusing them. I just have very big anxiety attacks. Should I stay on the 0.5mg and deal with the attacks or should I ask to up the dose? I'm afraid she will take me off them and put me on something else.

Hello, and thank you for your question. While counselors work closely with medical providers, and sometimes have discussions about medications with people, we rarely make recommendations about how much or what type of medication a person should be taking. This is because prescribing and advising on medication is out of our scope of practice. The only exception would be if a counselor is also a physician, nurse practitioner, physician's assistant, etc. Having said that, I certainly understand that anxiety is a real serious problem that many folks struggle with. If you are currently not in therapy to help you with these panic attacks, you should consider it. Medications can be helpful for anxiety, and medications like Xanax may help for immediate relief, but they do nothing to deal with the root of anxiety and may not help with anxiety long-term. Therapists who have experience in exposure therapies would be good people to start with. Exposure therapy has good outcomes for people with anxiety disorders and panic attacks. If you are interested in speaking with your provider about the Xanax, I think explaining it the way you did on here is just fine. The provider will then decide if they feel comfortable increasing your medication. Please remember that medical providers are not trying to give people a hard time. Medications like Xanax really are highly addictive. The more you take, the more you may feel you need. The more often you may feel you need to use it. Depending on the frequency and amount of use, some people suffer serious withdrawal symptoms when they do not take the medication. It is a good idea to talk to medical provider about all of those things so that you can partner on right course of action to manage this anxiety. I certainly hope that you get some relief.... I know anxiety is awful.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

anxiety

I've pretty much been on my own since day one, I'm a middle child of five, and I can't seem to put my trust in anyone. It took me four years to finally open up a little to my best friend. Every time I realize that I have feelings for someone, I freak out and never talk to them again. I really want some help.

One way to concentrate is that if your mind starts to wonder then remind yourself to bring your attention back.Start with short time spans of expecting yourself to concentrate.  You'll more likely succeed with concentrating with small time spans than longer ones.Once you start seeing your success, this will motivate you to try increasing the length to expect yourself to concentrate.The task of self-reminding is the same, whether for long or short time periods.Also, before starting this exercise ask your medical doctor if the problem can be related to a physical health problem.If there is, then have the possibility ruled out that your difficulty concentrating comes from the mental ability to concentrate, and not some medical reason preventing this.Before someone can engage their psychological will there must be a clean medical body and mind with which to work.

intimacy

I believe it is wrong for men to look at inappropriate content. The father of my child has agreed to respect my beliefs. His co-worker sent him an inappropriate video. He got mad because he does not think he should tell his friend to not send him things like that.

In my book, this is a boundary issue. Although you do not like inappropriate content, it is not up to you what your child's father looks at or what his friend sends him.  It is really hard not to monitor other people's lives, but in the end, your rights begin and end with you.

workplace-relationships

I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?

First of all, way to go in stretching yourself out of your comfort zone! You are sure to grow through all of this practice presenting to your peers, and that in itself will help to grow your confidence over time. In the meantime, do whatever you can to help yourself feel prepared for each presentation. Do your work ahead of time so that you feel well-informed on your topic, and then spend the days leading up to your presentation practicing. Do your presentation in the mirror, while you are driving (if it won't distract you from the road), and practice in front of a friend. On the day of the presentation, eat a balanced meal, get a pep talk from a supportive friend, use deep breathing to keep your body calm, and remind yourself that you are prepared. You got this!

anxiety

After a domestic abuse situation, I went to a therapist, and then my husband went. The therapist discussed her assessment of borderline personality disorder with me. She then told my abuser the results of my tests.

It sounds like it may have been a violation of confidentiality for your therapist to disclose information about you without your permission.  There are some exceptions to the general rule of confidentiality however.  For example, when a therapist has a reasonable concern that a client (or someone else) is in imminent danger, he or she is generally allowed to disclose confidential information to protect that person.If you believe your counselor has violated your confidentiality, you can always contact your states' counseling regulatiory board.  The board will then investigate the allegations and can take appropriate action.

domestic-violence

My son claims that hes been having extremely violent thoughts and dreams. Not violent like he's hurting someone, but violent thoughts like horrible things happening to his loved ones. He explained one of his dreams the other day and it was so violent it was sickening. It was far beyond anything in a horror movie, he says he can't help these thoughts they just pop up. Please help!

If your son is reporting "extremely violent thoughts and dreams" please have an psychological evaluation done by a psychiatrist now before it gets even worse for him to bare.  Don't take his reports lightly.  For him  to tell you, he knows that something is not right.  He is seeking and needing help.  Get it immediately.  Best to be safe than sorry.

anger-management

I'm a teenager. My dad has been jail for the last five years. It's tough, but my mom really tries to give a normal life to my two sisters, my brother, and I. I feel like I took upon a parent role when I'm the second youngest, and I'm not stable. My mother and sisters say I'm overdramatic. I’m just so hurt, and I keep breaking down.

It sounds like you have a lot of weight on your shoulders.I'm not sure what you mean when you say you're not stable and you are breaking down. If you are crying because you're sad, that is okay. If you are crying a lot or having trouble eating or sleeping, that's different than just crying sometimes because you are sad. It may be helpful to talk with a local mental health professional in your area. They can help you to figure out what you could do differently to have the role in your family that you would like while also supporting yourself and what you want.

depression

I just feel sad all the time and I don't like anyone in my family. I feel like they're trying to control me and won't let me grow.

Hello,While one can be sad from time to time, feeling sad "all the time" could be a sign of depression. If you feel sad on most days, it is worthwhile speaking to a psychologist to determine whether you suffer clinical depression. Feeling sadness is a normal response to loss, whether you lose a family, friend, job, or something you deem important in your life. However, feeling sadness all the time is a signal that you are not happy about something in your life. If it is related to your family and often relationship with family members could affect our self-esteem and self-worth, then perhaps it is worthwhile exploring what you find unhappy about your relationship with your family. Is it that you do not feel heard, supported or loved? Is it that you feel disrespected, disregarded or feel unimportant? These are just a few examples of common issues that people report that contribute to their depression. To help you to uncover your reasons for your sadness or depression and to cope with them in a healthier and more constructive way, it may be helpful to contact a therapist who could support you with this process. You do not have to deal with it alone. Dr. Virginia Chow, Montreal Psychologist. For more information about depression, please consult my website at www.PsychologyResource.ca

depression

He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.

The fact that you mention that he is "constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out," suggests that Discernment Counseling might be a really good fit for you both. Discernment counseling is a protocol for partners where one or both aren't certain they want to remain in the relationship. It's a brief (1-5 sessions) and intentionally focused on helping partners talk through (primarily individually) their reasons for and against staying in the relationship - as well as confront their own contributions that lead to the relationship crisis. It's aimed at helping the couple reach a clear understanding of which path they are going to take, not asking anyone to change just yet, so it can be a lot less intimidating and more to the point than couples therapy.  You can look to find a local therapist providing this service here. That said, I agree with other respondents that if he is deciding to leave, seeking out support for yourself would be incredibly helpful. You may need to accept his decision, but you can certainly feel whatever emotions you have.  You are allowed to feel exactly how you feel, and it's likely you'll be sad, or angry or hurt or disappointed or scared, or any combination of any/all of those. Having someone there who can validate those emotions and help you to process the grief that naturally comes with the end of a relationship can be a huge help in finding a place of healing and regaining a sense of self, a sense of hope.

depression

How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?

The decision to end a relationship is often very difficult. It is important that you are aware of your personal "deal breakers". Some common deal breakers are abuse of any kind (physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional) or substance abuse; however, anything that is detrimental to your well being can be considered a deal breaker. I know of a young woman who broke up with her boyfriend because he decided to adopt a pet cat and she is highly allergic. For her, having a cat was a deal breaker !Healthy relationships enhance personal growth, and  we enhance our spiritual and emotional wellbeing by collaborating with our partner to work through problems and overcome challenges. My guess is that you would not be questioning whether or not to end your relationship if things were going smoothly. Are you both equally invested in finding a resolution to whatever is troubling you?An excellent book on relationship ambivalence is "Too Good to Leave; Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. By the last chapter you will have the answers that you seek.

relationship-dissolution

I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.

I'm glad you're willing to keep optimistic about life improving and offering better relationships than some of the ones in which you greatly suffered.One suggestion is to develop patience with yourself and the process of regaining your willingness to trust other people.Sexual intimacy engages all of who we truly are.   Being cautious as to who and how much you allow someone into your life, is natural for anyone recovering from trauma.Allow yourself to withdraw when situations feel dangerous.   Your sense of danger is most likely on higher alert than had you not been victimized.Be attentive and cooperate with your own sense of readiness to engage in conversation, discussions and sex with your partner.Explain all this to your partner so the person can develop their own patience with your recuperation process.

trauma

I never get infections or scars or anything, and it doesn't bother me if it gets filled up with blood or something, but I'm concerned.

Hi Houston, The fact that you're concerned says a lot. If I was your therapist I'd ask you questions about your worries and how this is causing a problem in your life. You're causing perhaps permanent changes (damage?) to your body, and it's likely you're trying to express something...pain maybe? A therapist can help you to explore what's going on for you and how to get your needs for self-expression met in a more healthy way. Good luck!

behavioral-change

I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?

Relationships can be extremely enjoyable and satisfying.  When relationships end, however, it can be devastating.  It is normal to go through a grieving process after a breakup.  Denial, bargaining, sadness, anger and eventually acceptance are all normal stages of grief.  You may experience these feelings all at once or one at a time.  Allow yourself time to grieve by expressing your emotions - talk to a friend or write in a journal.  Take care of yourself during this time by exercising, eating and sleeping well and spending time with friends.  After some time you should start feeling better.  If you feel like you're not feeling better and you don't know what to do, you can see a therapist to help you get through this difficult time.

relationship-dissolution

How do therapists classify the type of personality their clients have? What characteristics do they look at to decide what type of personality the client has? I've read about this online, but I'd like to understand this from a therapist's point of view.

In my therapy practice I avoid characterizing people except for whether or not they are self-harming or a risk to harm other people.As long as someone is sincerely trying to know more about themselves my work is help the person clarify who they really are and how their true self may be quite different than the life the person created for themselves, based on satisfying other people's standards.In broad terms, personality disorders have stock characteristics which change very minimally over time instead of  uniqueness  which constantly flows and changes with circumstances over time.

diagnosis

How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

You'll know you have the right therapist when after the first few sessions you feel comfortable enough to tell them things you wouldn't tell anyone else. It's important in therapy for that rapport to be built from the beginning and that you as the client feel comfortable enough to share what you need to share. You shouldn't feel judgement from your therapist and you should be able to trust the advice your therapist provides. Therapy isn't about advice, don't get me wrong, but to truly implement the changes that need to be implemented to improve your life you need to trust the person giving the advice. Your therapist should have your best interest at heart and truly listen to what you have to say. The therapist should be willing to meet you where you are in your world and attempt to see the world from your perspective to truly understand what you have been through. You need to feel comfortable in therapy to be yourself and say what's on your mind. Therapy shouldn't be something that should be dreaded but it can get uncomfortable depending on the depth of the things being discussed.

counseling-fundamentals

I need to speak to someone about sexual addiction and binge eating immediately.

There are plenty of online providers within the mental health field that would me more than happy to speak with you immediately.  Many of them provide treatment on a sliding scale fee.  I would google online mental health treatment providers and that should lead you to a list of providers that can help you.

eating-disorders

I've felt this way for two years. I feel so much better now then I did when it started, but it is still there in the back of my mind at all times.

Best answer that I can give to you is that some level of de-personalization is quite normal for everyone, it will come and go throughout life, kind of like being on a roller-coaster, "here it is, then it's gone not to return for quite some time", like many things, the more that you fixate on it, the more stress it will cause you, consider it part of life, accept it, and move on, now if your having many, many ,many of these episodes or have some auditory or visual hallucination or disturbances or emotional unbalancing that accompany it than that is definitely something to look at, but for the most part nothing to worry about. Hope this helps,C

behavioral-change

Over the course of a few days, my wife was unsure about her feelings for me due to constant intimacy issues. After she thought things through, she came to the realization that she is no longer "in love" or attracted romantically to me. She instead has more of a platonic love and just cares for me as just "family." At that point, she said our marriage was over. Now over the course of the last few days, she has taken a "friendship" from a coworker. She insists there is nothing more than friends, but she has spent all her free time with him.

Hi Portland,This must feel like your world is turned upside down, for your wife to declare her confusion, followed closely by resignation, followed closely by a new "friend". I get how upsetting this is.If I was your therapist, I'd want to explore this a good deal, because there are several possibilities concerning what might be happening. Be careful not to jump to conclusions. Sometimes people have been slowly "falling out of love" for a long time, and often this is due to some (perhaps unnamed) unmet need in the marriage. She may have been coming to this point over a period of time, and has only finally said so. It's also possible that your wife is going through some temporary crisis...she's changing and personally unhappy and blaming the marriage for it. Only she can help herself through this (she could get the help of a therapist, but it's not your place to tell her to do this). Or, it's possible she's met this new "friend" and her attachment to him has clouded her view, or clarified something for her.  Right now, it's important that you respect your wife's decision to separate, if she's asking for that. We can't trap people in a marriage. If she needs separation, or distance, then it's respectful to give her that.That doesn't mean that you have to give up on the marriage right now. I would seek the support of a therapist who can help you sort out what YOU want; whether it's to move on with your life, or wait patiently for a period of time. I can't predict what will happen here. But you can find out what the best path for you is. I wish you the best.

intimacy

I have a lot on my mind, but all I want to do is stay locked in my room and not socialize with anyone. Why do I feel so alone?

It has been said that depression is often the result of a blocked goal.  Often people struggle with both anxiety and depression but have difficulty determining which is the most important issue. For some, depression is the result of frequently blocked goals and when their predominant issues are evaluated, they discover that they are anxious (worried) about a lot of areas in their life but seem to find no relief.  When there is no relief and there have been numerous attempts (either in their mind or in practical application) to resolve the anxiety, depression is often the result.  In this type of case, depression is not the main or underlying issue. The anxiety is the underlying issue.  Having "a lot on my mind" sounds like anxiety. Unresolved anxiety can lead to feelings of depression which are often associated with "emptiness."  In the question above, I would want to evaluate all of the issues surrounding having "a lot on my mind" and determine where these might be coming from. Has there been ongoing rejection from peers? From family? If so, why does this seem to be happening?  Isolation is often a protective measure that one implements to avoid further pain. Where does that need to protect originate?  Are there unmet needs from childhood? Are there traumatic life events that have created a need to self-protect as a defense mechanism? We can feel "alone" even when in a crow of people or at a party.  This has nothing, in this case, to do with being around people. It has more to do with how we view ourselves.  If there is a prevailing message or script that has been internalized that says, "You are worth nothing" or "You don't deserve the company of others" then being around people will not alleviate the problem but only exacerbate it. I would want to evaluate how one feels about themselves and what negative messages one has received and has repeated to oneself over time. The Developmental Needs Meeting Strategy is a therapy aimed at addressing unmet childhood needs. If there is specific trauma that is associated with socializing with people, then EMDR can be very helpful in desensitizing and reprocessing the trauma.  Looking at whether this individual's issue with emptiness is straight depression or whether it is depression as a result of unresolved anxiety is key to determining a treatment strategy.

depression

We have been together over a year. We spend time together every day no matter how busy. He started to be unusually fatigued and losing weight. He also began to be distant and sexually selfish. We had a argument, and he confided he has late stage stomach cancer. He wont treat it.

I wonder if both you and your boyfriend could have a conversation about what you both want, wish for, and desire from one another right now. That doesn't necessarily mean that your partner will give everything that you ask for, but this is one of the ways that he can learn more about what would help you through this and you can learn how you could support him, since traditional medical treatment is not something he wants.You may also consider using some open-ended questions (not yes or no answers) to talk about what you're feeling about both about his cancer and about your relationship. Both of you may discuss different ways that you would like support from one another.I would also see if he was comfortable with you disclosing this to one or a few of your close friends (with him considering doing the same) so that you both have support that includes each other and also includes others because there may be days when you both have a negatively emotional day at the same time and would benefit from talking with someone else.It may also be a matter of conversation to discuss what makes you happy together and use those positive moments to help move through more difficult ones.

intimacy

My coworkers are making false statements about me to the boss, saying I have mood swings. They have no proof to back it up. Can my employer make me see a therapist of their choice?

If this is a concern of a few coworkers, make sure it is not something they see but you don't admit to.  Employers can "suggest" or something "stipulate" in continued employment with them  for you to go to their Employment Assistance Provider (EAP) if they have noticed the same behavior and concerned of how it is effecting productivity or employee relationships.  No one wants to work in a environment which they consider hostile.  Employers can be held responsible if they do not take action.Couple of things you can do...Ask a coworker in which you trust and respect if what others are saying is true?Seek professional help from your primary care provider or counselor if mood swings do exist.

workplace-relationships