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I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this intense emotion of worthlessness.  I'm glad to hear this has not reached the point of suicidal ideation; however, it does sounds like you could use some additional support right now.  I would recommend seeking out counseling to help you challenge the negative beliefs you have about yourself.  Although many types of therapy would be helpful, cognitive-behavioral therapy has been shown to be a good approach for this type of struggle.  A CBT therapist can help you identify your negative thoughts and beliefs, figure out the ways your thoughts are being distorted (for example, all-or-nothing thinking, or discounting the positives about yourself), and reframe your thoughts to be more positive.  You might also consider EMDR therapy, which helps the brain reprocess traumatic or distressing memories and helps you move forward with more positive beliefs about yourself.  Best wishes!

depression

What makes a healthy marriage last?

In addition to suggesting this great read from 2016 (but feels timeless):https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html?_r=0I will give my summary on what the author of the article is speaking to: don't get too comfortable. But, in truth, no one really has the answer to your question, otherwise wouldn't we all have a "good" marriage? Also, what even is a "good marriage?" What is it that YOU want from a marriage, a relationship, a partner, and what your other-half also wants for themselves, is going to be what defines all of this, because every relationship is different.And in answering that "what YOU want" question, you might actually stumble upon what would make for a healthy relationship: vulnerability. You will have to be vulnerable to be able to explore what you really want, and listen to what your partner really wants, as that kind of processing can be uncomfortable. But, with vulnerability comes intimacy, and in most opinions, there is much of a relationship if there isn't much intimacy.

marriage

I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?

Hi, Break ups can be very devastating and even traumatic. Recovering from one is a process that is unique for everyone person and will take time. It's important that you don't compare yourself to others. Each and every person will experience this grieving process differently. Here are a few tips to help with your recovery: 1. Make sure you surround yourself with people who love you and support you, friends and family. Even though you might feel like being alone, make an effort to be around them. 2. Although you might not feel like it, try to take care of yourself as much as possible: eat healthily, get regular sleep, & vigorous or gentle exercise (depending on your mood). The last thing that we want to do when we are physically sick (e.g. flu) is to take care of ourselves even thought that's what we need the most. But when we do get that chicken broth, sleep and vitamins we recover much faster and with less discomfort. That's exactly the same when it comes to emotional pain. Take care of yourself, keep yourself strong and healthy so you can recover faster. 3. As much as possible, put away reminders of the relationship. You might not be ready to throw things out, but try to put them away in a box in the storage or in a closet. And also block Social Media reminders. There is a lot of wisdom in the saying "Out of Sight, Out of Mind." 4. Once the initial shock and intensity of the break up wear off, try out something new. In a relationship, we often forget and give up on things that we always wanted to do or to try. Now it's time to bring out that dusty bucket list and start trying something new. 5. If possible, change your scenery by going away on vacation with a friend or even by yourself. Changing your surroundings can really help you change your thoughts, mindset and forget your ex even if just for a few hours. Even a weekend getaway with a couple of girlfriends can do wonders. 6. In addition, to help you make sense of your past relationship and what went wrong, I would highly recommend seeing a professional counsellor or therapist.

relationship-dissolution

I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?

I first want to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings and there is always someone there to help. You can always change your feelings and change your way of thinking by being open to trying to change. You can always make yourself available to learning new things or volunteering so that you can make a purpose for yourself.

depression

I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.

The older I get, the more I believe that our real task isn't to 'find' ourselves. We're already 100% "there." What we do have to do is become more mindful of the times when we feel the most alive, most happy, most creative, and most fully engaged with life. It is in those moments that we find ourselves.For example, I couldn't help loving the people or things I loved, no matter who tried to talk me out of them. All I needed to do was notice when my heart opened and I felt the most alive--not because I was afraid or addicted, but because in those moments, I was in contact with my highest self. On the flip side, I needed to recognize the people and activities that consistently brought out the worst in me--the ones that made me feel controlled, constricted, dishonest, resentful, or afraid--and be honest about them. Mindfulness of "what already is" is the key to finding yourself. Align yourself with the people and activities that matter most to you. Don't let old habits, crappy jobs, or mean-spirited people define you. Just stumble your way forward as best you can, with greater self-awareness followed by affirmative action..

spirituality

My husband and I had our first threesome recently. Everyone was drinking and he was on her more then me. He and I talked about it afterwards and it made me feel better, and now I'm craving more of it. But before it gets close to happening I get this empty feeling. Why am I feeling this way?

Hello, and thank you for your question. Nervousness, when doing something new, especially something sexual that can feel so personal, is very common. Indeed, despite the fact that nervousness can be uncomfortable, it is also part of the excitement of trying something new. Many people who engage in open, polyamorous, and/or other-type relationships, will tell you that difficult feelings, such as jealousy and anger, do show up sometimes. This doesn't prove that there is something wrong with the relationship, it just shows that you retain normal human emotions while in one. And many people who are in polyamorous relationships have written about the work it sometimes takes to make such relationships work. Of course, all relationships take work, so polyamorous and other types of relationships are simply not an exception. There could be several reasons why you are feeling the way you do. One reason could be that you are simply not as comfortable with the idea as you think you are. Some time and good communication with your husband may help you with this. Another reason this may be bothering you is because, on some level, you are aware of the messages society gives us about marriages. They are supposed to be monogamous, heterosexual, etc. etc. Just because you may not agree with these beliefs doesn't mean that you haven't been influenced by them. We all have. Another reason this may be upsetting you is because it may feel a little frightening. Perhaps there are a lot of "What ifs" going on in your mind. When you get the "empty" feeling, it may be helpful to try to really nail down the emotions that are attached to that feeling. One thing that I do think is very important is that you communicate these feelings to your husband. It may even be a good idea to talk about expectations or "ground rules", if you will. It is important that you are both on the same page about what this is, and why you are doing it. If you continue to struggle, I suggest finding a counselor who has experience in sex and sexuality.  I wish you well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC

intimacy

My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.

There are a lot of different things that could be playing a role here.First, different people have unique levels of sex drive, and sometimes there is a hormonal imbalance.Because you say both that there is a possibility that neither one of you "actually knows what you're doing," and you want to be better connected with your husband, consider having some time where you sit together and touch each other in nonsexual ways and communicate about what you like and don't like. One person would be doing the touching and the other would be communicating. Then the rules would switch. After you both become comfortable with that, you could try the same thing with touching that is sexual in nature.Dr. Tammy Nelson is a therapist who specializes in relationships and sexual issues and she has several books and lots of other resources on her website: https://www.drtammynelson.com/There are actually therapists who specialize in sex therapy and if you are interested in that, you would want a therapist who is a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist). This does not mean that they only specialize in sexual addiction, but they do have special training in discussing sexual elements of relationships and their training is quite extensive.In addition to connecting sexually, you may consider discussing with your husband whether each of you are aware of things that make you feel valued, special, loved, and appreciated. It may be that making positive changes related to your sex life would also improve your relationship, and vice versa.

intimacy

When I get around a particular person or when I go home, I'm just sad or irritated. The feeling comes and goes all day every day. I don't know what wrong. I'm not sure if I'm just making up symptoms and problems in my head or if there is something actually wrong.

Feelings are real, is very unlikely that you are making them up since they are a response to the thoughts in your mind and your daily experiences and interactions. Often we assume that feeling sadness is bad and that we should only feel happiness and joy; but all feelings have a purpose: joy, sadness, anger, frustration, excitement, anxiety, among others.   Is not healthy to experience the same feeling for a long time, so we should learn to identify what causes them and how to process them so you can navigate through life experiences with more ease. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas, currently providing services in West Houston.  You may reach me at 787-466-5478 to schedule an appointment.   ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Me he estado sintiendo tristeCuando salgo con una persona en particular o cuando llego a casa, estoy triste o irritado.  El sentimiento viene y va todo el día. No sé qué está mal.  No estoy seguro si estoy inventando los síntomas y problemas en mi cabeza o si algo realmente está mal. Los sentimientos son muy reales, y es muy poco probable que los estés inventando, por que los sentimientos son una respuesta tanto a los pensamientos que hay en nuestra cabeza, y, a las situaciones que nos ocurren día a día.  Muchas veces pensamos que sentirnos triste está mal, y que solo debemos sentirnos alegres, pero todas las emociones tienen un propósito y razón de ser, tanto la alegría, como la tristeza, el coraje, la frustración, la excitación o el desespero, entre otros.  No es bueno quedarnos estancados una emoción.  Así que es importante aprender a identificar que causa nuestros sentimientos, como procesarlos para poder superar nuestras emociones y movernos de una experiencia a otra con más tranquilidad. Soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y Puerto Rico, veo clientes en el este de Houston y proveo servicios de tele terapia.  Para una cita puedes llamar al 787-466-5478.

depression

We live with my ex-partner’s sister and her husband. We have been there for five years now. They are Hispanic and talk to my daughter in their language. Sometimes they overstep their balance between aunt and uncle and reach into my role as a parent. They neglect to see this. I do, and it reflects in my child's behavior. She sees them as stable but is upset that her dad isn't here, and my intuition tells me she blames me to a degree because she doesn't know about his alcohol addictions.

Hi New York, I'm happy to hear that your daughter doesn't know about her dad's addictions. Although you don't say how old she is, and I imagine that at some point in her life she will be ready to know the truth, I trust your instinct that now is not the time. Your ability to have clear boundaries about what is adult conversation and what is suitable for a child to know are really important here, and I can tell you're being appropriately protective and a thoughtful parent. As much as this helps your daughter, I sense that you also know you can't take away the emotional pain that comes from having an absent parent. Children tend to blame themselves for a parent's absence. These children need extra love and support wherever they can get it.You say that you feel like there is a wedge between you and your daughter. I understand that having your ex partner's relatives in the same home would make it uncomfortable at times. It is very important to establish boundaries; only you should parent your daughter, but it's also natural for people to want to assist you. Let's trust that their intentions are good, if there is no evidence to the contrary. As much as they support you, they also  have emotional ties to your daughter's father. While there is potential for discomfort in this complex situation, there are also many positive factors here that I invite you to see.I don't know what your culture is, but for your daughter to have the opportunity to preserve her father's heritage language and a relationship with his family are potentially wonderful additions to her life. In general, the more adults around loving and supporting a child, the better. It could be that you are feeling threatened by small moments where there appears to be a special connection between your daughter and her father's family. Nothing anyone else does can take your daughter's love from you. My hope for you is that you can feel so secure in your own position as loving mother that you will not feel intimidated by other positive connections your daughter has. They are potentially wonderful connections, and she deserves your support in maintaining those relationships if they don't harm her.I suggest that the most important alliances to work on here are between you and your ex's family. If you could all give your daughter the gift of a healthy, united supportive and loving safety net for her...that's the best outcome of all.

parenting

I read that you should ignore them and they have to come to a conclusion that they were wrong on their own terms. Is that correct?

It is not correct because someone who is narcissistic believes they are always right.If you ignore the person, then their thinking is that there is something wrong with you.Ignoring the person to the degree this is possible in the situation or relationship, will spare you to be misunderstood further.

behavioral-change

He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.

Although the marriage vows say in sickness and health, each person has the right to choose to stay or to leave, depending on their ability to cope and handle marriage challenges.  I know is hard not to focus on him and his choice, but the more you put the focus of attention on him the least support you will receive. Focus on increasing self-care activities and building a support system around you.  A therapist can help you to work with depression symptoms, build up your self-esteem, and developing coping skills.  Also, invite him to a therapy session so he can clarify any questions and concerns regarding your diagnosis.If you would like to engage in therapy, I am licensed in Texas and Puerto Rico, you can contact me at 787-466-5478.Mi esposo quiere divorciarse después que fui diagnosticada con depresión severa.El dijo que intentaría y nunca lo hizo.  Has pasado nueve meses, y esto me está haciendo sentir peor.   Hoy, el dijo que yo debo respetar la decisión que el tome.   ¿Es eso cierto? ¿SE supone que respete la decisión de irse porque él no puede manejar lo que yo estoy pasando y me deja llorando y preocupada cada noche?  El cambia de opinión todo el tiempo.A pesar de que los votos matrimoniales dicen en la salud y la enfermedad, cada persona tiene el derecho de decidir si se queda o se va, dependiendo en su habilidad de lidiar los retos del matrimonio.  Entiendo que es difícil evitar enfocarte en él y sus decisiones, pero mientras más enfocas tu atención en el, más vas a resentir la falta de apoyo.  Enfócate en aumentar el cuidado personal y en desarrollar tu sistema de apoyo.  Un terapista te puede ayudar a trabajar con los síntomas de depresión, mejorar tu autoestima y desarrollar mecanismos de defensa.  También puedes invitar a tu esposo a terapia para hablar sobre tu diagnosis y que aclare dudas sobre los síntomas y expectativas.Si te gustaría recibir terapia, soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y en Puerto Rico, llama al 787-466-5478.

depression

Something happened this summer that I cannot forgive myself for. When I think about what happened, I feel ashamed and guilty even though my loved ones forgave me.

Realize that you are human, not perfect and will make the wrong decisions at times.   That is OK, we all have.  However, the best way is to say OK, I did it, learned from it, will not do that again.  EVER!!!  You can get pass it; grow from it.  Unfortunately, we forgive others faster than we do ourselves because we hold ourselves to higher standards or expected better behavior from ourselves.  It can be embarrassing, hurtful, almost unforgiving at times.  But how do you forgive yourself? Take a Deep Breathe..... and then acknowledge that you did something wrong, acknowledge it, and say to self,  "I forgive me".  Just like you would say to someone else.   This starts the process of forgiving. Also ask yourself these questions:   What lesson did I learn?  What would I have done differently?  What will be a trigger that will make me do that again, if I happened to be weak or tempted?  Avoid or prepare for those triggers....  Forgiving yourself will set you free from the prison you have put yourself in.  You would start back living.

self-esteem

I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?

It sounds like you are on the right track. Recognizing these nagging thoughts of self- doubt as "imposter syndrome" is a huge step in the right direction.  From what you have written here, it appears that you are able to challenge your own thoughts and provide yourself with evidence that counteracts the imposter syndrome.   Continuing to remind yourself of what you have accomplished and looking at the facts at hand can help diminish doubt.  Remember, many successful people battled imposter syndrome on the way to the top (and still manage it).  It might be helpful to read some of their stories so that you don't feel alone.  "The Cut" has a great article on "25 Famous Women on Imposter-Syndrome and Self-Doubt".   Business Insider has a great article about men and the imposter syndrome too.  Remember, if you jumped through all of the hoops to get into school and get published-- you belong.

anxiety

I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing. What can I do to manage my stress?

Being in this position is tough. If seeking another career opportunity isn't viable, there are a couple of things you can do to manage stress on the job.  1. Have a ritual to begin the day:  Consider setting a one sentence intention and plan tasks for the day2. Take the breaks you are offered. I know it can be difficult to step away from your desk to eat lunch or take 10-minute breaks during the day, but prioritize this if you can. Sometimes 30 minutes of downtime and fresh air can help you feel better. 3.  Have a ritual to end the day:  If you commute by car consider an end of the day playlist.  Take a walk. Light a candle.  Clear your desk and write tasks for the next day. Whatever it is, send a signal to your brain that it is time to end the day.4. If you do work from home or are expected to be available after hours, set boundaries where you can.  Set a timer for answering emails and stick to that.  Have phone free meals.    Try to engage in activities that are rejuvenating like spending time the friends and family.  5. Try to limit alcohol/ drugs.  Move as much as you can.  Get outside in natural sunlight.  These are just ideas/ suggestions.  Even doing one of these things could be a step in the right direction.  Best of luck!

workplace-relationships

It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?

What is going on in your life that brings up more sensitivity to the affair?The best way of handling your hurt is by noticing your own feelings and the current circumstances that increase your sense of pain.Concentrate on your own life and making your life the best it can be.

family-conflict

My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.

It is important to set boundaries with those that stress you out. I encourage people to validate the other persons feelings by saying "I am sorry you are going through this." Then, to set the boundary bye stating what you need from them or what you are trying to do with your life to destress and that you can't be a listening ear right now. This will need to be a repeated conversation, but over time you will notice less stress.

family-conflict

I am currently suffering from erectile dysfunction and have tried Viagra, Cialis, etc. Nothing seemed to work. My girlfriend of 3 years is very sexually frustrated. I told her that it is okay for her to have sex with other men. Is that really okay?

Hi, First and foremost, I want to acknowledge your efforts to gain (your) ideal erectile function. If the medications are not working and you have taken them as prescribed, I would encourage you to seek the help of a sex therapist as the dysfunction may be due to a psychological and/or relational issue rather than a physical/medical one. As for your question, only you can answer this. Is it OK? Are you OK with her sleeping with others? Have you thought through what this may look like, feel like, become for you and her? Opening up a relationship is a choice only the people in the relationship can answer. Even then, the answer may change at any point by either of you. I encourage you to also determine what the intention is underneath your telling your girlfriend she could sleep with others. Be clear with the intention and then together have continuous conversations about the expectations of opening up (i.e.: are there any kinds of sex that is off limits, areas of the body where touch or intimacy is not allowed, are uses of safer sex required or not, do you want to know the details or not, so forth). An excellent resource would be the book "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino. I wish you the best of luck!Dr. Lily Zehner, MFT-C

relationships

I'm feeling rejected and frustrated. This is not new. The first month we were together, sex was about every day. Then it slowed down to once a month right away. I love my husband, but I am struggling with this.

Feeling rejected and frustrated is a reasonable reaction to your experience with your husband. I want to encourage you that his actions may have little to do with you, and regardless of outcomes, I hope you find the help you need to process through your pain and still have hope for your marriage.   If your husband was to work with me I'd explore with him his understanding of, and experience with, intimacy in relationship with others. Furthermore, like other male clients of mine, I'd challenge your husband to secure an updated full medical exam from his PCP (primary care physician) and/or urologist in order to identify or rule out any organic issues which may be causing his apparent lack of desire for sexual intimacy. If there are no physical issues, per se, I would encourage your husband to process further his family of origin story-line regarding rules, roles, sex, and sexuality along with working through his sexual and trauma histories.

intimacy

My roommate is a unapologetic person who doesn't care who she hurts. She never apologizes to me or my family. She made me lose my temper today to the point where I was using swear words in front of my mom and brother.

You must be feeling frustrated about how to resolve this. Some people seem to really provoke emotional responses in us. One thing to learn for a quick review of yourself when you are provoked is to pay attention to your body. Notice your heart rate, fists clenched, some warmth going through your body and these are signs that the interaction is toxic for you. Move out of the room, say something calling to both of you and let things simmer down before responding. When you are able to calm your body, think of ways to bring the issue to her attention using positive words but holding your ground. If she doesn't listen ask someone to come with you to talk to her about it, If she still won't listen, reassess your expectations of her.Finally if you need to , you may have to consider changing the status of your rooming together.

anger-management

I am pretty sure I have depression and anxiety. I also have voices in my head. I have problems sleeping too. I've already been diagnosed with attention-deficit disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have self-harmed in the last and used to be suicidal. How do I tell them this and ask for therapy?

Family support is very helpful when having these symptoms.  I suggest looking for therapist within reach (school, through your insurance or the community, calling 2-1-1).  Once you schedule a session, you can inform them and invite them to come in.   I have found trough sceptic parents, that once they give it a chance they open up to the process of learning and healing.  I also understand that parents may become overly concerned and overprotective when hearing about your symptoms, and that’s why is important to discuss them with a therapist, normalize them, understand why you experience them, and learn how they could help you. ¿Cómo les digo a mis padres que yo pienso que tengo problemas mentales?Estoy seguro que tengo depresión  ansiedad.  También escucho voces en mi cabeza.  Tengo problemas para dormir también.  Y he sido diagnosticado con déficit de atención y desorden obsesivo compulsivo.  Me he auto flagelado y solía tener ideas suicidas.  Como les dejo saber y les pido ayuda.El apoyo de la familia es muy útil cuando se experimentan los síntomas que mencionas.  Te sugiero que busques un consejero (en la escuela, a través de tu plan médico, o en la comunidad, llamando al 2-1-1).  Ya que tengas tu cita, invita a tus padres.  He observado que aunque algunos padres son escépticos al principio, pero una vez le dan una oportunidad se abren al proceso de terapia y sus beneficios. También he observado que algunos padres se vuelven sobreprotectores cuando aprenden de los síntomas que sufren sus hijos, así que sería otro beneficio que aprendieran que pueden hacer para ayudarte y apoyarte.

depression

I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?

I understand that this must be a difficult time for you with many adjustments. If you feel comfortable enough to ask your parents to see a Life Coach or a therapist, this may be an excellent place to start. You don’t need to tell them the reason why maybe say that you simply need someone to talk to for support with school or homework etc. The Life Coach or therapist would be the optimal person to advise you on how to proceed with providing support and guidance. There may be someone at your school whom you could talk to for confidential support and guidance as well. Be confident in the fact that you are not alone and there are always responsible adults available to guide you through any difficult process you may experience in life. Talking to family about personal issues can be difficult for anyone, even adults. I recommend getting help from a trusted, professional adult before you decide what to do.

spirituality

When I ask him who he is talking to, he tells me no one. But, it sounds like he is holding a conversation with someone. I have even accused him of having a secret cell phone. I ask so much, I feel like I am losing it. Is he trying to make me question my sanity, or is he talking to himself?

A rare topic & likely extremely troublesome for you... I would need to have more background information on the two of you before beginning to offer any insight. Feel free to email me.I would also like to add that aside from the reality of whether or not these conversations are actually occurring, as your partner, he should be just as concerned about something that is disturbing you to this level.  Partners need each others' trust and support, no matter who is right or wrong.

relationships

I've been bullied for years and the teachers have done nothing about it. I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but i have been extremely sad for years. How can I deal with being bullied at school when the teachers won't help?

Teachers don't do anything about it due to liability of the school (school and faculty would get sued and have claims made against them); wouldn't expect much out of them;Couple things:1) Realize that bullies accuse others of the very crimes they are doing themselves;2) Bullies aren't actually all that weak as others have said, but do not stand up against constant pressure of truth-telling;3) Research yourself, or pay someone, to locate the bully's mother and father, and let them know what you have experienced (by way of text, phone, letter, etc.);4) Access your own mother and father and tell them what you have experienced, and see if they will help;Long term, society must return to a more masculine way of being such that these sorts of troubles are dealt with at the home :)Learn to be man/woman, and watch the magic happen.

children-adolescents

I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it’s “just a crush” but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?

No one can tell you how to deal with your own relationship, even a therapist. But, you should absolutely give your girlfriend the respect of believing both of those statements she gives you: development of feelings and it being a "crush." If that makes you feel a certain way (mistrustful? no difference in feelings) then that is what is most important to understand. When you understand exactly how YOU feel about hearing this news, then we can know how you should deal with this.You have every right to be in the relationship or to leave the relationship. But if trust is broken, first and foremost it needs repairing. What that repair looks like varies (but can often involve couples therapy, which may be complicated because of the long-distance nature of the relationship.) Otherwise, staying in a relationship that has become mistrustful for you, and not prioritizing the repair, is a recipe for disaster.

relationships

I'm concerned about My 12 year old daughter. About a month or two ago she started walking on her toes, as well as coloring and writing very messy. This all happened very suddenly. She has never walked on her tiptoes and has always colored and written very neatly. Is this something I should be concerned abou? Any advice will help.

Have you asked your daughter why she's doing the behaviors you describe?Often the best way to find out why someone does something is to simply ask them their reason.Her answer will give you some guidance as to next possible steps.If she's pretending to be a fantasy figure or trying to find out how being taller feels, or walking on high heels or some other image then knowing this rules out that she has some unbearable pain in her arch which may require more practical answers such as new shoes or even indicate a medical problem.Ask if she's noticed any change in the way she walks.   Maybe she doesn't know she's doing this and maybe she feels embarrassed to tell you she's doing something a bit odd.Since usually 12 year olds don't color, is it new that she started coloring?Maybe given the fact of messy handwriting, she's in a phase of pretending or reflecting on good times as a young child.Then this becomes the topic of examination.Does she feel insecure about being on the cusp of adolescence?Some of these questions can be asked directly and some are for you to first decide based on what you know of your daughter, which questions and what direction to take in understanding your daughter's motivation.

parenting

My boyfriend won't touch me intimately, he won't kiss me while we are having sex and he won't have oral sex with me. I know he has done this things with other women in the past. I don't know why he won't do them with me. What should I do?

First off, don't blame yourself or be too quick to jump to any scary conclusions.  Human sexuality can be incredibly complex at times (e.g., what turns us on at one time may not be what turns us on the next time). There could actually be a number of things going on including him having performance anxiety...maybe he had a bad experience with a previous partner that's left him scared to try again (we call this operant conditioning).  It could also be that he puts you in a different category than previous lovers.  Sometimes I refer to this as the "hooker-housewife mentality" where a partner somehow gets the idea that when we truly fall in love, we treat that one differently; almost up on a pedestal.  Drives many partners crazy until they're aware that this is going on and give their boyfriend/ girlfriend permission to enjoy both the naughty and the nice with them. It could also be that he's not even aware that he's not doing these things. If you haven't asked him yet, you might try gently approaching the subject when you're not already in the bedroom or trying to get in on and inquire what he most enjoys about sex with you (or has enjoyed in the past, or thinks he might enjoy).  You can also share your favorite highlights of sex with him.  Give him an ego boost and tell him what he does well while then asking him if he'd be down to go downtown.  "Baby, it REALLY turns me on when you kiss me during sex."If you continue to get the impression that it's somehow only about YOU or that he's just really hesitant to talk about sex in general, you might see if he'd be cool to chat with a counselor who specializes in sexual intimacy.

intimacy

I've been dealing with this for years. My mom thinks I'm overly emotional and refuses to offer any help, like therapy or seeing a doctor. She's seen me when I'm having a panic attack and just said I was faking for attention or that I'm a hypochondriac. I just want to get better.

How old are you?Are you old enough in your State to have therapy without your mother's consent?Your mom's attitude toward you may be one significant reason on why you feels so much tension in the first place.Don't let her opinions and beliefs get in the way of what you know about yourself.Are you in school and does that school have a guidance counselor?Would you talk with that person about your difficult getting your mom to retain helping services for you?Keep looking for local resources which will support you either directly or indirectly by advocating for your right to receive mental health care.

anxiety

I always see the worst end of things. My boyfriend and I aren't talking, and I swear he's leaving me. I keep failing my road test, and I see my future crumble. I have no desire for friends. I pushed my best friend away after Christmas, and I have no desire to fix it or make new friends. My aunt died, and I cry all the time, even if I burn my lunch.

I really love that you're taking responsibility for your pessimism here. There's a modern parable about two young brothers. One child is in a room full of every toy you could imagine, and he's miserable; the other is in a room full of horse manure, and he's flinging it around with joy. So then someone comes and asks the first boy why he's so miserable, because he has so much. He says that he's missing the one toy that he really wants. Then the brother is asked why he's so happy in a room full of manure, and he says "With all this sh-t, there's gotta be a pony in here somewhere!"Happiness is a state of mind, and I hear you saying that you used to be happy, so maybe this means you believe it's possible. That's a wonderful start.Research on depression shows us that it is very linked to pessimism. You say "I always see the worst end of things". That's pessimism. Life is like an elephant. If all you see is roughness, backup and walk around; the view will change. The key to optimism is to build your ability to see the bad things in life as 1. temporary (this will pass. I know how to fix friendships), 2. Specific (not involving the whole of your life), and 3. not your fault (tons of people fail road tests). On the flip side, it helps if we can see good things as 1. more permanent, 2. bleeding into other areas of our lives, and 3. something YOU created. Not taking credit for good things and blaming yourself for the bad ones is typical especially of women. The feelings you are having are temporary; you're in a slump and it's a good time to sit down and look at how you can make the picture look different. I think you know how; but you lack energy right now. If tackling this on your own isn't enough, a therapist can help you take that step back to look at the big picture and help you rebuild your natural resilience and capacity for joy. I wish you the best.

depression

How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

You should like and trust your counselor. Sounds like a big ole “DUH”. But you will not believe the number of people I have met with that have described their past counselor as “totally opposite than me” or someone who “didn’t get me” or “had totally opposing beliefs as me”. Suggestion to the masses, do your research prior to entering counseling! If you are someone who often cusses and is abrasive, you might not want to pick the counselor who is highly professional and uses sophisticated language throughout their site. Pick someone who is more in line with your personality and wants for your future.And even if you do your research beforehand and figure out you aren’t vibing after a few sessions, that’s okay! Let your counselor know this, and who knows there might be something that can be done to make you feel more comfortable or maybe there isn’t. But the good thing to note is that there are thousands of human helpers in your city and your counselor would be happy to provide you with a referral to a better fitting therapist.View full post here: https://www.therapybyshannon.com/blog-2/2019/1/14/7-things-counseling-should-and-shouldnt-be

counseling-fundamentals

I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?

First thing I'd suggest is getting the sleep you need or it will impact how you think and feel. I'd look at finding what is going well in your life and what you can be grateful for. I believe everyone has talents and wants to find their purpose in life. I think you can figure it out with some help.

depression

I feel like every time I do something someone asks me to, I never fully meet what they want. I feel that when I finish it, they always think that they should have picked someone else to do it. I feel like they just want nothing to do with me.

As long as you try to reach others expectations you will never feel satisfied or accepted.  How about setting your own expectations for self and strive for those.  Make sure your expectations are reachable and realistic.

self-esteem

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

A lot of things affect how helpful counseling is for each person, including at least these things, but often many others:The therapeutic alliance (this refers to the bond, connection, or trust between the client and the counselor)What the person is coming in to work onHow motivated the person is to work on what it is they would like to changeSome people also ask how counseling is different from friendship. There is a similarity in the sense that hopefully both counselors and friends will listen to what you are experiencing, but that is really the end of the similarities. Some differences are:Counselors are specifically trained to phrase questions or statements in ways that help you to gain more awareness of one could be contributing to what it is that you are trying to change, both within yourself, and possibly with people around youCounselors have experience in using lots of different types of techniques (for example, focusing on finding solutions, looking at how the present situation could relate to your past, using role-plays or examples in session to help you learn new skills or ways of looking at situations, and probably hundreds of other things)Counselors are taught to look at what you are experiencing and ask questions about other related ideas that you may not have connected to what you are experiencingThere is a treatment plan in place (usually after the first, second, or third session) so both you and the counselor have an idea of where you would like to go with counseling (what you are hoping to change or learn) and a general idea of a plan for getting to your goalsIn general, I would say the following:Yes, counseling can help people who want something to be different in their livesCounseling is most helpful when the connection between the counselor and the client is strong enough that some trust forms (in other words, not every counselor or technique is helpful for every person)A lot of counselors will talk to you on the phone for a few minutes prior to you coming in for your first appointment to answer any general questions that you may haveIf you are working with a counselor and you feel as though you are not "clicking" or connecting with one another, give it three or four sessions before you change. Trust is not happening in one hour for most of peopleIf you are working with a counselor and you would like to be getting more or something different out of it, tell the counselor about that because typically modalities can be changedIf you are asking this question because you would like help with a specific issue, call a local counselor and discuss it so that you could have a more specific answer about possible options for counseling

counseling-fundamentals

I need to get on base to see my doctor. My ID card was in my wallet which was stolen. I’m unable to reach my husband at this time. He is only one who can take me on base in order to get a new ID so I can continue to see doctor. Is there anything I can do?

As a prior military spouse myself I can happily report that you have several options in this case. First, you can go to the visitors center and let them know what has happened to get a temporary pass for a new id. Also, you can call the squadron commander or other official from your husband's unit to get them to tell you how to proceed. You can also contact the military personnel flight for more information The best thing is to get a new id as soon as you can. There should be no problems because it was stolen and yu might need to report it to the military police or security forces on base.

military-issues

I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?

This happens slowly and can be done.You already are at the first step of realizing that you hate yourself, not that the feelings of self-loathing are the best of what you're able to expect from life.A way to start building confidence is to pay close attention to the way you handle interactions and make decisions.If you start to notice what you'd like from an interaction, and afterwards, reflect on how well you handled yourself, especially with any unexpected circumstances, you'll build confidence in your ability to be good at something.Do you know why you hate yourself?This answer may help you address within yourself , a new type self talk which has more positives in it than what you've been accustomed to telling yourself.

self-esteem

When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?

What you are experiencing is totally normal and these emotions mean you are human! Humans are social creatures who were created to be in connection with others, but sometimes our life experiences or genetics can make that more difficult for some of us. It is possible that these reactions are based on negative reactions you have had with others in the past, maybe your family, or other traumatic interactions with others. It is also possible that they are caused by an underlying condition such as anxiety or depression, which may cause you to be more uncomfortable around others or annoyed by others. Some people are also more bothered by crowded spaces, loud interactions, and the actions of others. Of course you prefer animals (me too!), they provide unconditional love and support, do not judge you, and do not require you to have conversations with them. The fact that you have conversations in your head at night tells me that although you say you do not like people, you are craving some social connection. What is probably the case is that you were never really taught how to interact and have those conversations. The good news is that there is nothing wrong with you, you just need a little help learning how to have these conversations and taking some healthy risks to initiate conversations and that is something that I help many of my clients with in therapy.

anxiety

I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.

Anxieties are an adrenal problem;Clean them out with a proper detox, using the food built for mankind, and a herbal protocol;Maybe throw in some fasting here and there to kick the kidneys into high gear and get the adrenals pumping...Every loss is a gain, so losing a car means you no longer hold responsibility to keep and maintain it...If you're really up for it, some contemplation (that is keep one thought *lightly* on your mind allllllll day; that is just focus upon it from time to time, "Man, I notice that the sky is really blue today... and the air is really crisp today..."); after 3-5 days of contemplation, see what you notice...

anxiety

I get an uncontrollable swallowing that is repetitive and then somewhat out of body feeling that lasts no more than a minute or two. It usually happens in bed at night, but I occasionally experience this during the day. I have a benign brain tumor, but the doctor said it is not associated with this.

I'm not entirely sure whether this relates to something in the mental health realm or if there is something else happening. I know you said that your doctor said it is not related to your physical condition, but have you tried speaking with your primary care physician? I've seen people with many different symptoms that end up being related to acid reflux or something of that nature. As far as the out of body experience, there are different stages of sleep, so if this is happening in the middle of the night and you are waking up from a dream, you may not be fully awake when it's going on. These are just some thoughts, but I think talking to your primary care physician would be a great place to start.

sleep-improvement

I told her that if daddy dies, we will never see him again. She started crying because I wouldn't make her daddy die.

Children often have a difficult time expressing emotions accurately. It is also very likely that your daughter does not understand  the permanence of death. Having said that, she is using some very specific ideas here and I would recommend contacting a local mental health professional with some experience working with children.I would also wonder where she is getting this idea. Sometimes children hear things on TV or from an adult and we are not even aware of how much they are remembering.It may be helpful to teach her things that she can do when she is angry, like say that she is mad because she cannot have the toy that she is asking for.I'm curious as to how long it is that she stays mad like this and whether she talks to her dad after she is no longer angry. Does she say the same sorts of things about you?It may also be helpful for you to work with a mental health professional (possibly the same one who is working with your daughter) so that you can have some support with this as well.

parenting

I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Divorce can be so disruptive in a child's life.I'd really need a lot more information about your situation before I'd feel comfortable offering any advice or suggestions. There are so many variables, and not knowing the whole story, any advice could possibly make your situation worse.I do see some positives, though. One, you say you have a therapist. That's great! I hope you're able to talk to them about this soon. Still, they can't give you legal advice, and a lot of this situation may be dictated by the law. What your therapist can help with, though, is dealing with whatever situation you have to follow by law. If you can't change the situation, you at least need to learn how to cope with it better. Two, you're 17. When you're 18, you're legally an adult and will not be bound by any custody rules or visitation plans in place. Honestly, teenagers usually have a lot of say with the courts in custody arrangements. Since you didn't specify more on the situation, I have no idea what your specific situation is. Were your parents ever married? Are they separated or divorced? Was there ever a court hearing for custody? Not all couples have an official court order arrangement. All families are different, too. Was there abuse between your parents? Towards you by one of them? Does either of them have addiction issues, major health or mental health issues, or anything like that? You mentioned that you want to live with your mom, but didn't say why. Are you afraid to tell your dad you want to stay with your mom? Is mom the lenient and fun parent while dad is the more strict one, or is there something else going on? This isn't a decision that should be placed entirely on you, and it also isn't a decision that anyone else needs to make on your behalf without your input. But advice on what to do needs to come from the people who know more about your situation so they can help recommend the best thing for you. Whatever you do, hang in there! 18 will be here before you know it. Focus on that. Freedom. College. Plan for your future that YOU control, and focus on making it the best it can be. Do not let the anxiety and depression cloud your thoughts and make you do something irreversible.

anxiety

My toddler defies everything I say and doesn’t see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time.

Trust that you are a good mother and that you love your child.Trust and love are their own authority and come from a different inner place than the urge to be obeyed.Trust and love are effective guidance and usually feel happier and lighter too!

anxiety

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

Counseling definitely helps people!  I have seen so many positive changes from those willing to engage in the counseling process.  Having a safe place to openly share concerns with an objective listener really is therapeutic and can make a huge difference in your life.    Many times people don't feel heard or validated by people in their lives, counseling call help validate your feelings and help you become more self-aware.  You can learn new skills to better manage your life as well.  I find the people who get the most out of it are the ones most willing to make changes.

counseling-fundamentals

I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?

Self-doubt and self-hatred are such common and unpleasant experiences and really worth  understanding! Therapy with the right person can really help. When in your life do you feel the most confident? What gets in the way of you accepting and loving yourself (big question!). You can and will uncover that confident self!

self-esteem

How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?

This can be a very difficult question to answer. Without knowing anything else about the situation - it makes me wonder - what makes you feel like you should break up with him? What brought up thinking about ending things? It will be important to decide if the relationship is safe, if it is healthy, and if it makes you both happy. Are there reasons you are staying in the relationship that don't make you feel good? It might be helpful to write things out or talk to a trusted friend about what each of your choices means. What would it be like to end things? What would it be like to stay? Are there issues that the two of you can work on to make the relationship better?

relationship-dissolution

I saw my mother cheating on my dad before. I said something to her, and she said it was in the past. Yesterday, I saw her texting dirty things to the same guy. Should I talk to her again? I don't want my parents to go their separate ways, I just want her to stop. it's not fair.

You as the child in the middle of your parents' problems is the worse position to be in.  I can only imagine your hurt, pain and confusion on what to do.  Honestly, this is a hard question to answer without knowing your age, your parents' ability to handle hearing information from you and your maturity to handle what may happen in the end.  One thing I would like to note....your parents may be in the same house but if your mother is cheating, they have already gone their separate ways.

family-conflict

I've been suppressing it for quite some time, but there are days when I can't make eye contact with her. I think she knows, and we both admitted there was some type of vibe, but the overall discussion was vague. I think she could possibly be dating someone that works with us. It's driving me crazy. As an act of expression, I have purchased a gift for her that's personalized. I haven't given it to her yet.

Human attractions can be tricky things, and in this case - a power dynamic. In the workplace, a boss usually has the power to hire, fire, set schedules, approve vacations, and evaluate performance. Because of this power dynamic, most employee handbooks expressly forbid supervisors and their direct employees being in a romantic relationship. Perhaps you should check your employee handbook.  It is possible that if you or your supervisor act on your feelings, one of you might have to be reassigned, or if no reassignment is available, asked to resign. While you may be attracted to your boss, and your feelings may be strong, it might be in your best interests to resist acting upon them.

workplace-relationships

I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here. I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it. How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?

It sounds like you may be struggling with depression. Depression can make you feel overwhelmed and paralyzed to change. I would suggest that you connect with a provider who can help you get to the root of where the worthlessness is coming from and help you develop a plan for recovery. In the meantime, small steps can go a long way. Self-care interventions such as journaling your feelings, mindfulness meditation, and regular exercise are all helpful to reconnecting with the present moment and gaining internal motivation. Focusing on one day at a time and bringing your thoughts back to the present can also be beneficial. There is hope!

depression

I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle?

The fact that you are aware of the issue and what causes it is a step in the right direction.  You can absolutely break the cycle but it takes a lot of effort.  Much like growing a physical muscle, developing coping mechanisms must be practiced (exercised) in order to gain strength.  Find healthy activities that you like to do that can help you deal with stress.  It appears that you are already going to the gym which is awesome; you want this to be a healthy experience not one done out of guilt.  Is it possible for you to incorporate food items that are healthy for you? Remember any changes you make must be practiced and developed over time.  You should seek professional help to assist you with getting to the root cause of your emotional connection to food. Normally these issues date back to childhood experiences however this is a generalization and I have little information to go on.  Above all else BE KIND TO YOURSELF! Shame is counterproductive. If you want something to grow you give it love and attention. Well wishes!!!!!!

eating-disorders

I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal?

This is your experience, your feeling and you are wondering if it is normal, which means is this common or the rule. This question about how you feel about your third child leads me to believe you are dis- turbed [etymology: agitated or stirred up].  Feelings are messages from our soul or spirit that something is not right.  So, though  it might be normal [common, the rule]  to look forward to a one year olds nap time when you have a three year old a nine year old, the dis- turbance or stirring up in you, is important and requires your attention, your listening, if you will to your higher self.

parenting

Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.

You might be surprised how normal you are. Anxiety is incredibly common and while your particular type of existential anxiety might be unique to you - it is very difficult for most people to really comprehend what happens after we die - regardless of the religious or philosophical belief systems we hold. It is the ultimate unknown and some philosophers and psychologists believe that at the root of our day-to-day anxieties is the fear of death or fear of the unknown.  Just as it can be really hard to comprehend the ending of life it can also be hard to comprehend an eternal existence. What these both have in common is that we are imaging a future that is ultimately unknowable and this unknown can provoke a lot of anxiety. Mindfulness based practices like meditation - maybe there is something like this in your religious tradition - can be very helpful in making peace with the unknown in the present moment. The more we can learn to live in the moment - the less we get hung up on anticipating outcomes for our lives that may never come true. Mindfulness practices can help you ground, be where you are , relax and regulate your nervous system so that you are able sleep and recuperate, and train your attention to focus on living the life you want to live now - rather than worrying about what happens after you die. Having said all that - it can be profoundly helpful to speak with someone about your anxiety - especially when you feel haunted by it, worry that you are crazy and can't get to sleep. There are lots of good therapists out there who can help you with your anxiety.

anxiety

I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

I'm so sorry to hear about your recent loss.  There is such a large feeling of uncertainty that befalls those of us left to sort through these emotions of such a loss, and it's never easy.  I think it's important to remember that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to deal with loss and the "best way" for you may not be the best way for someone else.  The fact that you are aware that you are smoking more marijuana and drinking more, and the fact that you can recognize that these may not be the best coping techniques, is a very good step towards giving yourself some better support at this time.  Marijuana and drinking are type of coping techniques that can numb us to our emotions, but they do not really help us to work through those emotions. When it comes to grief, often one of the most helpful ways to move through the phases of grief is to use your social supports; talk to your friends and family, see your mutual friends and commiserate with each other on the loss and the uncertainty.  The more we talk about our feelings, the more we are okay with them being ours. The more we express our loss, the better we become at accepting such a loss. In talking with your supports, you may also decide ways in which you may want to remember your friend; ways you can do so on a personal level (writing a poem, planting a tree, etc.) or ways you as a group can remember and memorialize them (a special day where you get together to share your memories, starting a charity, etc.) We never truly "get over" our losses, but we can learnt o accept the losses and what it means to us now...but that also takes time.

trauma

I’m trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?

I would ask you first what made you give him another chance after he repeatedly lied and broke every promise to you?  I would imagine if he repeatedly lied to you that it will damage your ability to trust him now.  Is he in therapy? Does he recognize that he has a problem and is he trying to repair it?  Even if he truly forgot to tell you about the woman at work I think the real issue here is TRUST.  I am not saying that he doesn't have a lying problem.  Instead of asking someone else if you should be upset, ask yourself how you truly feel about him and this situation.

intimacy

I have PTSD from childhood events and other traumas as an adult. I have panic attacks, nightmares, anger, and at times depression. I feel like I'm always on the edge or just apathetic. Can I fix this by myself?

When it comes to trauma, especially in the event that it has caused you to develop PTSD, there can be a lot of difficulty in attempting to resolve these issues on your own simply because of how strong your urge to avoid it whenever thoughts of the traumatic experience come up. PTSD is best treated with the help of a mental health professional and if using the Cognitive Processing Approach can be treated in as few as 17 weeks. As for your other concerns, many of these can be treated independently if you have the motivation to manage your way through. Panic attacks and depression, specifically, often respond well to self-help treatment manuals. The Centre for Clinical Interventions is a great online resource for workbooks to help you learn to manage the depression and panic attacks. Whether you decide to work through these concerns on your own or in professional therapy, just know that your panic attacks must be managed prior to addressing your trauma. Hope this is helpful and if you have any other questions don't hesitate to ask.

trauma

Ive been in an on an off relationship with a this man for almost 3 years. Even though I care about him, he continues to hurt me. He and his wife were separated when we met. Now he's going through a really difficult divorce from her and is taking it really hard. I want to end this relationship, but I don't feel like I can. How can I let go?

Hello, and thank you for your question. Boy, ending relationships is tough, isn't it? Sometimes it's tough even when we are 100% sure that it is the right thing to do!I am going to give you some of my thoughts, and hopefully some colleagues will add some others. One of the things that I want to point out is that "letting go" is not really a thing. In other words, it's not really something you can reach out and grab. It's more of a process. This is good news, because you don't necessarily have to be at the end of the process to end an unhealthy relationship. We just have to accept that there will be feelings that come up even after the relationship is over. For example, someone can end an unhealthy relationship today, but then be reminded of the good times on what would have been their "anniversary." This could make the person very sad. They may even regret ending the relationship for a little while. It would important, then, for the person to remind themselves why the relationship needed to end, and that they are healthier because of it. This is relevant for you. It's hard to walk away from a relationship. We fear all kinds of things, including being single! Sometimes it's helpful to compare what you are getting out of the relationship to what you want from a relationship. It's helpful to be honest about what we have given up for an unhealthy relationship. It's fine to admit uncertainly about ending things. It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to have moments of doubt and sadness along with a dash of guilt. And even with all of that, someone can still leave if it is the healthiest thing for them. They can have sadness later on, and still not go back.It sounds like you are feeling responsible for making sure he is okay because of this divorce. The truth is that there is not necessarily a "perfect" time to end any relationship. There would be no guarantee that he would be doing any better after the divorce. Sometimes NOT making decisions stresses us out A LOT more than making a decision and living with the consequences, both good and bad. You may be at that crossroads. Be well..Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

relationship-dissolution

Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

It's absolutely normal to cry in therapy. I imagine that you are being vulnerable and open to exploring some deep seeded issues. Also, it may be a good sign that you feel safe and held with your therapist that you are able to freely express those strong emotions.

counseling-fundamentals

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

I love this question! Some people shy away from counseling because they think since they already talk about how they feel to their relatives or friends they shouldn't need a counselor. However, if you are having a difficult time, counseling can be beneficial in helping you move forward and get your life back on track. Counseling is not like the kind of talking we do to people we know. For one, your counselor does not have a history with you and has no expectations of how you will act and what you will do. In that way, counselors come to a session without judgement and expectation. This gives you the platform to truly explore your thoughts and feelings. A counselor can also help you understand your motivation and help you integrate your past experiences and recommend coping skills that can help you if you are feeling overwhelmed by your emotions. Over time, as you work with a counselor you will get feedback and also be able to share new insights. The work you do is based on you and where you are at. Oftentimes, when we talk to friends they bring their own agenda to a conversation, and while they mean well they may offer solutions that work for them and not you. A counselor will help you uncover the solutions that work best for you and help you find the motivation to follow through with your plan.Best of luck to you!

counseling-fundamentals

My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?

Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you!!  I pray you have other strong and supportive loved ones or friends surrounding you. If you are in school, please consider speaking with a counselor on site who can help give you some good coping mechanisms as well as other resources.I believe most therapists would agree that this type of behavior is indicative of emotional AND verbal abuse. And quite often the two overlap because someone who is being yelled at and demeaned is also frequently having his/her emotions preyed upon as well. Healthy Place offers us some great examples of emotional abuse which certainly fit the criteria of what you describe:Yelling or swearing Name calling or insults; mocking.Threats and intimidation.Ignoring or excluding.Isolating.Humiliating.Denial of the abuse and blaming of the victim.And abuse survivor and author, Kellie Jo Holly, offers some other great examples of verbal abuse:Emotionally Abusive StatementsYou’re so cute when you try to concentrate! Look at you trying to think.I can’t believe I love a stupid jerk.Aw, come on, can’t you take a joke?Sexually Abusive StatementsYou should know how to please me by now.I hoped you were less experienced.Stop acting like a whore.Financially Abusive StatementsYou are going to nickel and dime me to death!In what world does buying that make sense?Fine. You handle your finances. Let me know when things go to hell.Societally Abusive StatementsHow dare you spread around our private business!Let me do the talking; people listen to men.You took a vow in front of God and everybody and I expect you to honor it!Threatening and Intimidating StatementsIf you don’t train that dog I’m going to rub your nose in its mess.I will take our kids if you leave me.You’re scared?! This isn’t angry! You will KNOW when I’m ANGRY!Spiritually Abusive StatementKeep your stupid beliefs to yourself.God will find a way to get you back, and it ain’t gonna be pretty.I can feel myself being pulled into hell just listening to your nonsense!It's been my personal clinical experience that children who are experiencing the types of things you describe often say they feel misunderstood, lonely, or scared and don't want to make things worse by standing up for themselves. Even if you feel you can't defend yourself outwardly, that doesn't mean your father's awful and toxic behavior is something you should ever internalize (i.e., believe to be true) which is why I hope you are surrounding yourself with people who will speak life and positivity back over you.  We are ALL worthy of respect, love, and kindness. Don't ever forget that!My love and light to you hon.Tamara Powell, LMHC

parenting

I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?

Wow, congratulations on being in a masters program. You are in a unique place. So few have reached that level. You should give yourself a pat on the back.Confidence is not something that comes naturally. But can and does come with practice.Having gone through two masters programs I can sympathize with your your dilemma. So how is the stress affecting you?Is it serious enough to stop you from presenting or is it just "butterflies"?There are many ways of dealing with the anxiety and stress. Much depends on how serious the stress is.So here are a few ideas:1. Practice in front of a mirror.Sounds strange but the practice helps.2. Ask some friends to listen to your presentations. Not so much for their input as to just get used to presenting.3. Focus on the material you are presenting. The subject matter is what you want to get across. Step away from your nerves and get into the facts you want to present. Let the material you present be the focus. 4. Remember everyone else is just as nervous as you. Share your fears with some of your classmates and gain support from them. Focus on a friendly face during the presentation. Be a support to them in return.5. "Fake it, till you make it". Yes it sounds blunt. But sometimes that's what it takes. Even if you feel like it, you won't die.So much more can be discussed with a competent counselor. Take the time to let a professional help you work through this.Again you have come a long way to be in a graduate program. Congratulations you have done great work so far. It's just one step at a time, take the steps.

anxiety

I need to speak to someone about sexual addiction and binge eating immediately.

There is an organization dedicated to helping individuals find affordable counseling.  It is called Open Path Collective.  There is a one time membership fee of $49 and it lasts for your lifetime.  You then have access to local counselors/therapists who will see you for an extremely reduced rate, anywhere from $30 - $60.   https://openpathcollective.org/

eating-disorders

We’ve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesn’t love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate.

Try having a conversation with your boyfriend about your views and wishes for the relationship, when the two of you are having a calm time.  A few questions I'd like to ask him is why he says he doesn't love you when the topic at hand is about a specific practical matter.I'd also like to know what he hopes will happen from dwelling on a matter.And, why are you swallowing your pride?  Sooner or later this will come up on you in much bigger ways.  Instead, try to know your own wishes that you are either not stating or are being ignored by your boyfriend.The best way to resolve accumulated tensions is to slowly open the discussion between the two people.It is possible to stay together forever.  What you each need to realize, is the terms under which this would most likely take place.Sending lots of luck!

relationships

My long-distance girlfriend is in a sorority, and it's changing her. I feel like I'm becoming less important to her and it hurts. She just wants me to support the sorority, but it's so hard. I try every day to show her she's the most important thing to me, but she can't even stay relatively sober at a fraternity party for me so that I won't worry about her doing anything regretful. We love each other, but we're in a rough patch.

You may already be doing as much as possible for your relationship.Each of you are 50% of the relationship.Is the 50% which your GF contributes to your relationship, based on the same understanding of the couple's problem, as you have?Maybe a good starting place for the two of you to talk about is defining what problem the two of you have as a couple.This way, each of you will be able to know if you have similar values and definitions of your reasons for being together.Depending on what you each expect from your partnership, you each will clearly know whether, and then how, to accommodate the other person.These discussions stir a lot of emotions in each person, so that sometimes staying clear minded becomes very difficult.  You both will likely feel like talking about these matters more than one time.Consider utilizing a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist who would help the two of you stay on track with examine your emotional connections in a fair and safe way.Good luck with understanding and appreciating your relationship!

relationships

A few nights ago I talked to this girl I know about my self esteem issues for the first time. We talked for hours and she told me time and again that I was a great guy. She told me I was attractive, and have a great personality, etc. I really started to feel better about myself by the time I woke up the next morning. Now, though, I can't stop thinking about her, but I leave to go back to college in a few days and I go to school 4 hours away from her. So now I feel constantly depressed because even if I told her how I felt it wouldn't matter. I feel helpless and I don't know what to do.

Hey!  It takes a lot of courage to share your feelings with someone!  And it sounds like you have been lucky to meet someone who makes you feel safe enough to explore some of your more painful feelings.  A big part of the process, however, of strengthening your self-concept is learning how to tell yourself those positive messages that you heard from your friend!  Leaving for college may also be contributing to your feelings of unsteadiness.  Try this - Make a list of all of the positive things that you know are true about yourself.  Ask your friends and family to contribute to the list.  Then carry it with you in your wallet - and when you need a self-esteem boost, take a look at it!  You are in a season of life that presents lots of challenges and opportunities.  Reach out to your long-distance friend when you need support - and take a walk over to the campus counseling center and check out what they might have to offer.  Be Wise!

self-esteem

I am not sure if I am depressed. I don't know how to bring it up to my parents, and that makes me miserable.

You are not alone, many people fear opening up to family members about the topic of depression or mental illness. There are many different reason why some may fear telling their parents. The most common thoughts I hear in my office are: " My parents won't understand me", I may cause more problems to the family", "I am worried that something bad may happen if I tell them". If possible express your current concerns and worries to your parents. You can start the conversation with your parents by saying "I have not been feeling like myself lately, and I may want to see a counselor". I think you are doing the right thing by going on this website and asking for help. Just a helpful tip: positive self-talk can be beneficial before having difficult conversations with others. For example, tell yourself something positive before talking to your parents such as "I feel confident in myself, and I am doing this to overcome my fear of talking to my parents" can help to decrease the anxiety you are feeling leading up to the conversation. I would recommend if you are feeling depressed or down it would be beneficial to seek counseling to understand your current thoughts and behaviors. Best of luck and hope you decide to start counseling.

depression

I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships. How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her?

Two paths are possible.You're not overreacting and instead are genuinely sensing that something feels unsettled within your girlfriend.You are overreacting because you have difficulty accepting how safe and loving your relationship is with this person.The only way to find out is to start conversations with your girlfriend on how you feel.This will allow new light to open an answer as to the truth.Once you know what truly is going on between the two of you, your self-trust naturally will grow stronger. Self-trust will give you an accurate read of what and whom you are able to safely trust.

relationships

I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job. People keep telling me I have "anxiety" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?

First, congratulations on your new job.  Apparently your employers think highly of you, since they hired you!You say that "people keep telling" you that you have "anxiety" - how do they know?  Have you told others you are sometimes upset or nervous?  Have you been treated for anxiety?  Or is that a perception that others have that you haven't been able to counter?It's a new job, and it requires you to do new things, in new places, with new people.  Being nervous is not just normal, it may actually help you be on your toes and do a good job.  Unless YOU think you have anxiety, do not let others predict your future.If you believe you are anxious, get in to see a therapist and address it.  Anxiety is very treatable, and you don't have to suffer with it - but you do have to acknowledge it and work towards health.However....If, in  your experience, this is more a nervous energy than an anxiety issue, there are things you can do to address it:  Make sure you take good care of yourself, especially in the first month or two of the new job.  That means eating well, getting adequate rest, moving your body (walking, swimming, dancing, etc) every day, and staying in touch with friends and family who are positive and supportive.Below is an article I wrote that might give you more tips too.A quick way to combat stressDo you ever feel like your brain is"bouncy" and won't settle down? Your brain, that magnificent machine, is notmuch different than the brain that kept your ancestors alive in dangeroussituations.  Today, though you may notneed to worry about a mountain lion having you for dinner, other stresses areperceived and processed just you’re the physical dangers your ancestors faced.That means a looming deadline or a fight withyour partner creates the same "fight/flight/freeze" response thatsaved your ancestor way back in the day. If you "burned off" that adrenaline and cortisol cocktail byrunning or fighting off a predator, you would feel the relief and exhaustionbut you would have also metabolized the stress chemicals that are meant to keepyou alive. However, when there is no physical response tothe stressor your body is "all wound up with no place to go".  Over time this creates not only the"bouncy brain" feeling of distractibility and distress, but canmanifest itself in physical ailments.It’s impossible to avoid stress forever, butsometimes you just need a way to relieve the pressures of life for a moment.Here's a quick way to settle your brain into a feeling of rest instead ofdistress:Put one hand on your chest at collarbone leveland one on your belly just under your naval. Now, take a slow deep breath filling your abdomen with air, just likeyou would fill a glass with water...from the bottom up.  When you are full of air, pause for just amoment and really feel the fullness. Then slowly exhale, just like you would pour water out, from the topdown.  Pause again at "empty"and feel the relief of space.  Repeat for5-10 cycles.If you find yourself feeling stressed anddistressed too often, and you are a California resident, let’s talk!  Book a complimentary 15 minute video consulthere: abalancedapproach.com

anxiety

My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people. How can I feel more comfortable around other people?

It might be helpful to have a good understanding of the "why" in terms of feeling nervous around people, or the difficulty in developing more comfort. If your discomfort is somehow related to your son's diagnosis or your lack of employment, or an abusive relationship you were in and maybe embarrassed about, that is important to understand, and get clarity around. When we can understand on a deep level what is happening for us (i.e., where does fear come into this, and what's it about) we can give ourselves empathy. Everyone struggles in some aspect, so to not necessarily think of yourself as pathological is a first step. Sometimes being around people can trigger an anxiety related to being "good enough" that goes back a ways in our history. If any of the above is true, it would need acknowledgement and care from you, as opposed to shaming that experience (in the hopes it would just go away), because this experience is very real for you.

anxiety

I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater.

In general, our past is always somewhat alive and does inform our present experiences.  All past experiences, both positive and negative are what have brought you where you are today, physically and emotionally.   That being said, your father's behavior does not have to define you or your future.  You have power over your life and your future.  By learning more about yourself, you can learn to incorporate your past into your present life, without being defined by past traumas.  The best way to grow and learn how to do this is to talk with someone about your experiences.  By talking about your past and present struggles with a trusted confidante or helping professional you will hopefully learn how to be at peace with your past.

trauma

I have known her for years. She was dating my brother-in-law when we met. My kids think of her as their aunt. On Halloween 2014, I lost my mom to cancer. My mom and dad were still married when she passed away. My friend was there for me through that and my own cancer diagnosis. She has been a very big part of both me and my kids’ life, but now last month, my dad told me that he really likes my friend and wants to marry her. She’s like a sister to me. My kids hate the idea.

Hi Lincoln,It can be very difficult for children who have lost a parent to then see their other parent moving forward with anyone, so I understand how this change is even more upsetting to you. And...your father and your friend have clearly established a friendship and fallen in love. Did you see this coming? I hope they didn't hide it from you. If they did, maybe this is the issue? It would be a legitimate one.But in the end, your father, and your friend, are adults who are free to fall in love with whomever they wish and hopefully they can count on the support of people who trust and love them. Could there be blessings here you haven't seen yet? It seems you love this person who is like a sister; could it be a good thing that her place in your life is more permanent?Ask yourself these questions... "What is the worst part of this?" "What do I fear losing?" "What do I fear at all?" "What is the evidence that this will happen?" The answers might surprise you. Your children will follow your lead. If you are supportive of their grandfather, they will follow suit. Hopefully you can grieve the change, know that your mother would likely want both of them to be happy, and embrace the blessings that come with having this woman close to you in a new way. I wish you the best.

family-conflict

I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.

Remember, the past no longer exists and the future is just an illusion as we don't know what will happen tomorrow, so take the present as your guide. That is all we can do, so keep saying this to yourself and try to help someone each day.  The happiness is helping others to feel a bit better.

social-relationships

I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like "you aren't worth anything." I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?

We have thousands of thoughts a day. Some thoughts we choose to think, and some thoughts are random as you describe. We can't control the first random thought but as soon as we become aware of it we can make a conscious choice to change the thought. Positive affirmations are messages we intentionally read to or tell ourselves to help us counteract negative thoughts. If you find yourself under stress on some days more than others you may notice an increase of these negative thoughts about yourself.  To help you neutralize your negative thoughts and make it more natural to randomly think positive thoughts about yourself you might find it helpful to work with a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. This professional can help you build insight into your errors in thinking, help you develop a stress management plan, and provide you with additional tools to boost your self-esteem.

diagnosis

I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud. How can I get over this feeling?

It would be very helpful to identify with you eventual pattern where the imposter syndrome is more or less present. Are there specific situations where you've noticed the feelings of "I'm going to be found out as a fraud" becoming more strong? It seems that shaking this feeling is very important to you. In my opinion, before shaking that feeling, we need to get closer to it and understand its roots. If you would like to get closer to the feeling, you might consider asking yourself questions such: "What is the trigger for this feeling? How does it feel in the body? What is the thought process I engage with after noticing this feeling? All the best. Rossana Mag.

anxiety

I'm depressed often, and my mind goes a million miles a minute. Every once in a while, things are okay for a few days. After a bit, I start noticing that I am picking at my skin profusely. After roughly a week, the anxiety is back and still picking. Sometimes I find myself causing fights to have change.

One way to know yourself a little better and why the dynamics you describe take place, is to understand the particular dynamics of your life context.Look at your major areas of where you spend your time, whether you are happy with the people with whom you socialize, how you feel toward family members and how they seem to feel toward you.If you examine your relationships and life this way then you may start to notice areas where you have some control or at least a say in how your life is going.If you are socializing among people whom you don't like, have a job you don't like and your family mistreats you and you mistreats them, for example, then anxiety and depression are an understandable natural result.If you make improvements in your life and relationships, even tiny improvements and even the effort and intention to improve, you may find your anxiety and depression dissipating.People usually feel their worst when they feel lack of control in their life.Look for ways you can regain and/or strengthen yours.

depression

I have three children: a biological daughter, a stepdaughter, and a stepson. I found out my stepdaughter overdosed today. My daughter blames me. I told her to stay out of it. I'm scared of all three kids now. They all blame me for their choices they made. All three have drug addictions. I had a stroke in 2013 so I need to depend on people from now on.

Blaming others is one of our greatest coping mechanisms.  It is not just for addiction, and often we blame the ones closest to us.  You can not stop them from blaming you, you can stop yourself for taking on the burden.  We are all in charge of the choices we make.  No one makes us do something other than our self.  We choose how we internalize and react to situations.  I would find a good therapist who understands family dynamics and addiction to help you cope with your current environment and help you move forward.

parenting

I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?

OK first things first. We have to think of your safety and take care of those thoughts of hurting yourself.Yes, this is a major problem for you and can cause anxiety and depression. You have the right to be sick and tired. Kids often are pawns in this marital problems that their parents have. I'm sorry that this is happening to you.I am not sure of your rights in the state you live in but as far as I know you as a 17 year old you have the right to stay where you want. So your'e going through an anxiety episode and your therapist is not available.  If I'm the therapist we would have already set up a plan so that if you are in this situation you would know what to do. In the worst case scenario you would be able to contact me.But I would have given you several exercises to help reduce your anxiety.Staying with your mom should be your choice. I know you probably don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but there are ways to ease the tension. Maybe with your permission and their agreement, we all could meet together for a session or two to ease your tensions and get over and through this hassle.

anxiety

I feel like I am internally screaming all the time. Externally, I am calm, but I have this intense, unidentifiable emotion constantly. I don't feel sad. I don't cry a lot. I feel rather emotionally distant other than the internal screaming. It kind of feels like I'm a caged animal.

It sounds like you are trying to find a label to help you to understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling.  Sometimes there are no labels for how we feel.  Sometimes there is no name for the emotions that we are experiencing. Regardless, you do not have to continue to feel this way, no matter what you call it.  If you are seeking to experience an internal calmness such as your external calmness, you may want to try some mindfulness practices or meditation.  However, being able to get at the root cause of what you are feeling may be what you need to help you release this feeling for the long term.  I recommend seeking support for this to allow this internal screaming to get some air and begin to breathe.

depression

I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?

I can think of several things that may help you to reconnect. I don't know how much time you actually spend together, but one thing you could try is to spend 15 minutes a week together talking about common interests or other things that make you feel connected.Have you considered a date night or anything (doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but could make each of you feel special)?Something else you could try is to consider talking to each other in a way where you summarize what you are hearing and reflect back to make sure that you got it right rather than just assuming so. Communicating this way can feel awkward at times, but it could reconnect how you are listening and deeply connecting with your partner. Also, you may discover that you are on two different pages about things on which you thought you understood what each other felt, wanted, or desired.Consider what makes your partner feel loved, valued, appreciated, or special. Can you name a few things and get them right according to your partner when you check in? Can he do the same for you?You could also try doing two things every day that would be appreciated by your partner without either of you having to ask for it. There is some more information here, although what you do for one another does not necessarily need to be on this list: http://www.couplesinstitute.com/tracking-success-by-doing-the-daily-double/Reconnecting is a bit of a process. Try to praise yourself and your partner for attempts that you make and recognize that you're not going to get it right 100% of the time. You may also find this book to be helpful (or there are other similar ones by the same author): https://smile.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471479801&sr=8-1&keywords=Love+languagesIf this still seems difficult, consider seeing a local mental health professional. As one more thought, recall that this relationship involves both of you. If you are both committing to change your level of connection, change will likely not be a steady uphill climb (there could be plateaus or even some dips back in a negative direction) and each of you may change at a different rate.Best wishes in your quest for connection!

intimacy

He's gone for 11 weeks for a band camp. It's week two right now. We used to be Intimate a lot, and now since he's busy 12 hours a day, we can't really be Intimate, even over the phone. Is it normal for me to more sensitive in general?

Well yes, physical intimacy does give all sorts of positive feelings.  The sudden withdrawal of these is certainly possible to trigger a reaction like the one you describe.

intimacy

My parents seem okay with other sexualities, but normally they only talk about being gay. When they do talk about bisexuality, they say things like “they'll do anything” or things that make me very uncomfortable because I am bisexual. I don't know if I am ready to come out to them.

Perhaps you are not ready to come out to your parents.  Often times our readiness is not dependent on what others' will say or how they react. But more so dependent on how emotionally prepared we are to deal with others' reactions.  It may be beneficial for you to play out each possible scenario and conclusion (eg. your parents being supportive vs. your parents being disappointed and so on). How are you prepared to deal with the outcome?  You may also seek help through counselors, support groups and/or individuals you know that have dealt with similar situations to help you prepare to discuss this with your parents.  All the best!

family-conflict

I was in a relationship for almost five years. We were friends for a few years before we got into a relationship. He was a caring, friendly, and charming guy up until three and a half years in. He started controlling me: who I hung out with, where I was at all times, and he had a huge hissy fit if I tried to ask him the same questions. All that time, he just liked me as a friend and was cheating on me with my so-called friends. At the end, he was a nasty and narcissistic person. Now it’s hard to be social.

It sounds like you had a very confusing and painful experience in this relationship, and now you feel hesitant to let yourself get close to people. It is understandable that when we are hurt in relationships, we may have trouble trusting and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with others.Therapy is a great place to explore the roots of present difficulties in relationships, to unpack what happened in prior relationships, and to find new ways to show up in relationships so that we can have the relaxed intimacy that we want. Often, relationship difficulties represent patterns of relating that we learn early in life which we may feel compelled to act on outside of our awareness and therapy provides an opportunity to become more aware of these patterns so that we can change them, enabling us to feel secure and to seek out satisfying companionship.

relationship-dissolution

What makes a healthy marriage last?

Thank you for your question.  A good Marriage is one that takes hard work and commitment.  Being in a good marriage does not always mean good times because let's face it; we are dealing with 2 unique individuals with differences.  A good spouse or partner knows to be patient and accepting.  Knowing each other's strengths and imperfections and working with them to lift each other is how you strengthen your love for one another.  A good spouse sacrifices their needs to see the other person happy.  Don't get me wrong, that also means that it is important to have alone time to re-charge and re-focus our purpose in the marriage.  In all, there is not a magic recipe for a successful marriage, but with time, work and purpose one can have a happy one.

marriage

When I'm around people, I sometimes think someone has made a comment to me or asked me to do something. I will be focusing on something else and then randomly think I hear something about me. I never know if it was actually said.

It sounds like you are having difficulty knowing if people are saying things to you, or if you only thought someone was talking to you, and this is anxiety producing. It's understandable that it could be confusing and/or a bit scary to be unsure if people are speaking to you or not. It's hard to say exactly what is going on from just this description, but if you can work with a competent therapist, you may be able to get more insight into what is happening, get clarity about your social interactions, and develop some ways to deal with the anxiety.

anxiety

I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said "you're always sad or depressed." And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, "Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true." And he said, "Whatever babe. You just want to be sad." How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?

It can be hard for husbands to hear that their wife is unhappy.  By nature men tend to be more of the fix it type.  So if they are sad, they fix it.  If their wife is sad, they fix it.  He may feel helpless to help you and that may be why he is saying those things to you.  It's not that he doesn't care or that he doesn't take them seriously, he might just have no idea how to help.  I would start by making an appointment to talk with a therapist about your sadness.  Meeting with a therapist may help you to learn some tools and strategies that can help you to manage some of the sadness you are feeling.  A therapist can also help you to gain some understanding and insight into why you might be experiencing sadness.  Depression is not something you have to sit with, therapy can help.  Once your husband sees that you are being proactive in addressing your sadness/depression he will probably be more open to listening to you and supporting you.  He might start to have ideas and input on how you two can work together to change some of the situations or things that might be holding you bakc.

depression

I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it’s “just a crush” but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this?

Thanks for writing in. Several things come to mind:I don't know how you are communicating, but there is a great deal of difference between communicating through videoconferencing compared to text message when discussing subjects like this. Being able to hear and/or see each other will help you to be able to gauge a lot of the emotions connected to what is going on.Are you in a place where you can ask your girlfriend questions about this crush and actually listen to her answers? If you can listen non-defensively and ask questions about what is actually going on (kind of like an investigative reporter might), you are likely to hear about her experience, thoughts, feelings, etc., so you can actually see what the crush is like for her and how you want to react to that.Then you could see if she is willing to listen to your questions and answer them for you.Another tip: Find out when is a good time to have this conversation. If you are talking to your girlfriend after she just worked a 10 hour shift and she is frustrated about that, it is likely that the emotion will transfer to the conversation that you are having even though it doesn't have anything to do with that.Find a way to keep yourself grounded and centered during the conversation. Notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair. Mindfully play with an object or something like a paperclip or a pen. Doing this mindfully (by being aware of your senses) will help you to not feel so overwhelmed during the conversation.After you have more details, communicate about what it is that you want or wish for. It is often easier to hear and discuss as opposed to talking about something that you need.Remember that while anger is a very real emotion, there is always something else under it. Be aware of what else could be there: hurt, disappointment, betrayal, fear, etc.

relationships

Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Yep. Counseling can be very emotional at times. I've recommended to clients, on occation, that they allow themselves the rest of the day off after doing trauma work.

counseling-fundamentals

We have been together over a year. We spend time together every day no matter how busy. He started to be unusually fatigued and losing weight. He also began to be distant and sexually selfish. We had a argument, and he confided he has late stage stomach cancer. He wont treat it.

Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry about this life-altering situation that both you and your boyfriend are going through. To be sure, this is a devastating and lonely road for both of you. I say lonely because when things like this happen we often don't know what to say to each other, and so we suffer in silence with little support.Here are a few thoughts that I am having, and perhaps others will add things, too:1. By the sound of your main question, it seems like you have every intention to be there for your boyfriend during this difficult time. I am not sure if he is willing to talk about his health situation, but letting him know that you want to support him and also need his support may be helpful. 2. If it is possible, see if he would be willing to go to a counselor with you. There are many things that a counselor could focus on that may help your relationship, but also help you both cope with what is happening.3. If he refuses to seek support, you may want to consider going on your own. If you can't afford it, sometimes hospice organizations offer support groups and other services. It is very important not to neglect yourself. Be well,Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

intimacy

I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop?

Where do you go and what is your reason to go wherever this is?Try to understand these reasons because the answers may give you good guidance as to other ways to get what   it is your trying to reach by sneaking from your home at night.If for example, you're sneaking out because your parents are arguing and you feel hurt by this and want to escape hearing their arguments, then you can come up with other ways to hear less of their arguments.If you sneak out bc your parents restrict your friends or time to socialize with your friends, and your friends are doing legal and safe behaviors, then maybe you could do some socializing online w them.Also, I wonder the reason why either of your parents isn't aware that you leave the house.  Do you feel your parent would offer and would you ask your parent to give their suggestions so you feel more motivated to stay home?

behavioral-change

I keep having these random thoughts that I don't want. Things like "you aren't worth anything." I know they're my own thoughts but it feels like someone else is saying it. What is wrong with me, and how can I stop having these thoughts?

Life is beautiful without unwanted thoughts and stress. With proper strategies and tools it is possible to regain control over your thoughts. I guess you are just having "thoughts" and not actually "hearing voices"? My suggestion is to see a therapist and go from there.

diagnosis

I feel as though I'm suffering severe abandonment issues stemming from childhood. I convince myself I'm not worthy of happiness, and I’m always afraid I'm doing something wrong. It's as if I create little scenarios in my mind, and I start to believe them.

I’m glad that you are reaching out for help. What you are experiencing is common for people who have experienced abuse, neglect, or other forms of trauma. When people experience trauma they develop a feeling of shame and start becoming self critical. Therapy can help regulate these thoughts and feelings of abandonment so they are not so overwhelming. Negative self talk can be extremely  exhausting. You are already starting the healing process by becoming self aware and seeking help. Best wishesKatrina Whitehead MA LPCC

self-esteem

Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?

Thanks for posting.  This is a significant issue for many people and can make us feel helpless; among other emotions due to the uncertainty.  You said that, at times, you feel like everyone is lying. Ask yourself some of these questions.  What is it that makes you feel so strongly that they are lying?  Where is the concrete evidence that they are lying? How could I test my thoughts about this? What if things are not what they seem on the surface? Am I any lesser of a person as a result of this person's behavior or opinion?  Our beliefs about ourselves and the people and our world  and how we interpret information and experiences have a significant effect on how we feel and how we behave.  It is important to objectively challenge the beliefs that contribute to negative emotions.  You can start this process by answering some of the above questions.  We are unfortunately influenced by what and who we associate with.  As it pertains to if God is a lie; be honest with yourself and question your beliefs that tell you that God is or is not real.  It may be helpful for you to speak to a preacher or chaplain of some sort and they can help you with a lot of that.  Hope this helps at least a little bit.

spirituality

I have an eating disorder of binging. I've had gastric sleeve surgery. I need help with issues of abuse as a child, addiction, and abusive men. I have been in therapy for five months and get no feedback from my therapist.

It can be really frustrating to feel like your counselor is not providing you with the help you need.My recommendation in a situation like this would be to let your counselor know how you feel. Specifically tell Your counselor that you don't seem to be getting the amount of feedback you would like.If this doesn't help, then you might want to look for another counselor who will be a better fit for you.

professional-ethics

I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. I’m worried that, at this rate, I won’t have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal. Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes.

It is very hard to want a loving relationship, and either see or imagine all around you, the great times other couples are having. Extra hard is that other people's comments may start giving you the sense that you are letting them down to not have a relationship!All the fantasies that develop from viewing Facebook photos and imagining everyone or most people in ideal relationships, just augments any frustration of not being part of this group.Your post sounds like you're being true to yourself and honoring who you are really, by developing clear standards of what you'd expect from a relationship.For the longterm, whatever develops in your relationship life, you will always be able to look back and know you had self-integrity. By being your natural self, you're being attractive.   Probably very unlikely that a young woman who would like a relationship, will never have one.Maybe the young men in your school are not yet emotionally mature enough to know how to see and appreciate you.Even though it may be hard, have patience with bringing in someone who is good for you.  And, continue your keen insight of yourself because it is guiding you to be the best in all areas of living.Sending good luck in all areas!

anxiety

I have been dating my boyfriend for eight years. We met in college off away from home and things went from good to bad when I met his family who treats him like he is their man. They expect him to take them on dates like to the movies and out to eat when they come around, and he thinks it's okay.

Well, then you learned something new about your boyfriend!Are you fine with having a different opinion than him and staying together.Think over how major a problem this is to you and if it is reason enough to leave the relationship.There are always plenty of areas of disagreement between partners in a relationship.The key to being happy is to know which ones you can accept and which ones are beyond your tolerance with which to live.Also, an early step would be to directly tell your boyfriend your opinion.   He may be willing to change his ways to satisfy you.

intimacy

When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.

Hi there Mom! Just look at all of the things that a teen has to juggle and it's no surprise they're stress out. There are simply not enough minutes in the day to get everything done.  So, they react by cutting into important times such as social interaction and sleep.  Our fast paced, fast food, society is taking its toll on our teen generation. While multi-tasking seems to be a hot pop word, it simply doesn't work.  We aren't wired to do our best at multiple things at once.  We are not machines but rather humans who are going to quickly expire if we don't get a handle on our stress.As adults, it's time we intervene and teach our teens how to maintain a healthy balance between work and play.  We need to help them prioritize and put first things, first.  Are you putting first things, first in your life?  If not, it's a good time to start. Best of luck to you and your daughter in whatever you decide to do.

parenting

My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?

First off, let's start with really validating the potential emotional pain you are feeling right now. There is generally no lack of uncertainty, anxiety, fear, sadness, and anger. These are all normal emotions and being allowed to feel them is the beginning of the healing process. It might be helpful to talk about these feeling with your fiancé, a friend or a counselor.Now to get to your primary question. Can a relationship move past infidelity? The short answer is yes. A bit longer of an explanation is that is sounds like you and your fiancé had pieces of a solid foundation to base a relationship on. For many couples they encounter a primary challenge, sometimes that's money, or parenting and for some it's sexuality. If you and your fiancé are both committed to balancing the positive aspects of your relationship while improving the challenges than it's definitely possible to move past this. This is not an easy process and for many couples takes months or years of healing while engaging in relationship counseling. Good luck to you and your continues healing and growth!

intimacy

he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fiancé tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this?

The short answer to your question is "No" it's not okay for anyone to ever be doing this. There's a lot of unanswered questions and other factors going on here that need attention. Nevertheless, don't hesitate to seek out legal counsel and/or call 911.    Ideally, your fiancé would be able to speak directly to her ex-husband and set reasonable boundaries that honor whatever legal agreements are in force resultant from the divorce and custody agreements. The fact that she's afraid to say anything to him about his inappropriate behavior, and that she hasn't been able to give you any reason for her fear, suggests possible factors of past abusive behaviors, entitlement, and/or co-dependence.   I hope things work out well for all and I'm confident a skilled therapist could help all navigate how best to set boundaries and experience greater healing.

parenting

My motivation has gone away. It's hard to get out of bed. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm miserable. My anxiety and depression have taken over my life.

Anxiety and Depression are challenging experiences to live with and to manage on a daily basis. I would say that both are challenges to overcome but solutions to living healthy and well exist. Step 1: Talk about it. With friends, family, partners, counselors, and other trusted people in your life. Step 2: Create a plan with a counselor to learn new skills that help you recognize and manage your symptoms. Step 3: Don't give up. Working on yourself can be difficult and hard at the beginning. Stick with it and you will be able to find exercises, tools, and resources that help you live well.

depression

My boyfriend says I'm nuts. I need to get help because I get an overwhelming feeling that he is cheating on me. Whenever I try to talk with him about it, he always turns it around on me by telling me what I'm doing wrong. I know that accusing him does not help. When his whole demeanor shifts towards me, I can't help but think that something is wrong. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I try to talk with him to make it better. I let him know when I am feeling down. But I am not confident in these things. Two weeks ago a girl texted his phone 3 times trying to hook up with him. He texted her back with "Sorry, I've been working. I just read your message." The girl was trying to get him to call her at a time when he was at home with me. He texted her back with "Don't text me anymore." I don't feel like I am way out of the line. But I can't talk with him if all that he will say is that I'm crazy and I need help. What should I do? How will I go about checking if there really is something wrong with me?

Trust your intuition that your boyfriend is involved with other people.You gave examples which strongly suggest this.Quite commonly, a person twist someone's words to convince then of having problems in seeing or understanding their own and other's behavior.Your intuition is again working quite well in telling you that your problem is having a boyfriend who manipulates you, not that you're seeing things incorrectly.One way to check if you're totally misreading him, is to examine whether you feel similarly in other relationships.If no one else who knows you tells you that you're crazy, then this strongly points to your boyfriend twisting words so that you feel wrong.Also, a consult with a therapist would clarify the dynamics between you and your boyfriend.A therapist session would also allow you to think out loud in a confidential discussion, what to do with your newfound clarity!

relationships

My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Year’s resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on board—no more drinking every night. The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleep—it's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch. I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.

As exasperated as you feel, and as obvious it is to you that your husband cares more about drinking than being honest with you, changing this is up to him.Does he care that you're upset with him for drinking more than he can handle?Does he care about you more than drinking?Living with an alcoholic, which is how his behavior sounds, is lonely and frustrating.Concentrate on what you like about him as he is now with his drinking.Your happiness matters.  His ignoring of what you're talking about, doesn't mean your requests are unreasonable.Be prepared to learn to live with and accept how he behaves, or not.Avoid the expectation that you can convince him to change.People change only when they realize their life can improve by changing.  He doesn't sound like this, at least now.

intimacy

I want a secure relationship with someone that wants to be with me and who will actually put effort into it. I seem to gravitate toward unavailable men and those that want intimacy and no relationship. I let men dictate and control me because they accuse me of being controlling. I let men emotionally abuse me and I am at their beck and call. I am not comfortable being alone or doing anything by myself. I feel I need the security of someone being around just to survive. I know what I'm doing wrong and I do it anyway just hoping things will change. How do I stop this behavior and thought process?

Here are some things I'm wondering:Do you have close friends that you can talk to, trust, and who can be around sometimes when you're in between relationships?What do you like about yourself? What are your strongest points?Do you think you have been in relationships with controlling than in the past because it makes you feel as though you are worth something to them?What kind of relationship you want to be in?What are the top three or four attributes of the type of partner you want?What can you do to make yourself emotionally safe during your typical daily activities?Can you notice a list of things that you can control throughout a typical day? For example, you probably choose what to wear, what to eat, how to talk to others, how committed you are to school or work, etc.It also sounds as if it may be helpful to discover more about yourself in addition to what you look for in a partner.As far as emotional abuse, it may be useful to develop communication skills that you could use prior to their relationship progressing to the point that it is emotional abuse.Thank you for reaching out to ask questions. If the questions that I've asked here are difficult for you to answer or are overwhelming, talking with a local therapist would probably be something I would suggest.

relationship-dissolution

When I'm in large crowds I get angry and I just can't deal with people. I don't really like other people (I prefer animals) they make me nervous and scared. I lay awake at night thinking and having conversations in my head and i almost always end up making myself feel terrible and crying, I have more conversions in my head than I do with actual people. I don't know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. What should I do?

What you're experiencing is anxiety, it's actually quite common. Good news - you're not alone in this experience! That being said, it can be so frustrating and upsetting to have to contend with the anxious thoughts that come up in our heads, sometimes without any warning. Additionally, nighttime is a particularly vulnerable time for a lot of people wherein anxiety rears its' ugly head even more so. We aren't as distracted at night and our resources are more depleted so we can't fight back against these thoughts as effectively as usual. It can be helpful to externalize our anxiety, give it a name, like "Judy" or "Bill" for example (or perhaps something more sinister like Lord Garmadon??). The naming is all up to you, what comes to mind for you when you think of your anxiety, now what is a name that's fitting? The act of externalizing separates us from the anxiety a bit and makes it a little more tolerable. If you can think of your anxiety as just something else to handle rather than it being a part of your personality, this is usually helpful. Additionally, I recommend not avoiding the situations that make you feel this way. Our brains have to learn what is an actual threat and what is not. Right now, your brain thinks that crowds are a threat, if you can practice some deep breathing and stay in the crowd, you will start to teach (or rewire) your brain, letting it know that the crowd is not dangerous to you. Think of your brain as an overprotective parent. Your brain is overreacting in these situations to try and keep you safe. It just needs to learn that the situation is not a danger to begin with.

anxiety

I'm a young adult woman, and I have trouble finding my true identity being at home. This all started when I had a boyfriend about 10 months ago. My boyfriend and I were dating for a couple months and decided to get in to sexual acts. At the time, I was pretty religious, but I let this happen. I don't know why. I felt kind of guilty but mostly because I know my parents wouldn't like it. My parents are very religious—they're Christians. We did things every time he'd come over to my house. We didn't have anything to do at our house, so we would get tempted to do things when we'd watch movies by ourselves. One day, my parents found out I did this stuff with him because my dad read my messages. As soon as my dad found this out, he told my mom. They were both aggravated. They told me he was just a boy that wanted to get inside my pants. They said he wanted me for sex and he's not a Christian. I took their advice and broke up with him. Once we broke up for about a month, I decided to get back together with him a little after school started. My parents found out eventually, and I decided to not listen this time. I would constantly talk to my boyfriend about what they say about him: how's he's not the right one for me, and God totally forbids him. I would kind of try to break up with him, and then eventually I would just never listen to my parents. They're always yelling at me about how I shouldn't date this boy. I felt too old to listen to them. Now I'm kind of just stuck. Is the real me religious? Have I been brainwashed by him? I don't talk to my parents anymore about him, and my parents think I'm deceiving because of it. They threatened me that if I'm still with him, I can't do track and they won't support me. They've also called me slut, and now they called me basically a devil worshipper. They say my boyfriend is taking me away from my parents. I'm actually very happy with him. They also say I'm living a separate life at home than I am at school. They say they want what's best for me and love me because they adopted me.

What a tough situation you must be in, feeling torn between your parents and someone who is very special to you. I would say the first thing you want to do is (if you haven't already), have a calm reciprocal conversation with your parents, telling them how you feel and letting them know what you need from them. If communication attempts are unsucessful then you will need to make a decision with how you would like to move forward. You, unfortunately, will not be able to change your parent's feelings or opinions but you can agree to disagree on certain matters by keeping them separate from the relationship you have with your parents. It always helps to try and see things from another angle. You might want to, for example, try and understand your parent's perspectives and let them know you understand that they are upset. Validating other's feelings can be very helpful with communicating effectively. Are you living with your parents and do they support you? If so, are you willing to give that up should you decide to not follow their rules? Know that there is nothing wrong with being happy with someone or loving somebody so deeply. Your feelings and actions certainly do not make you brainwashed or a devil worshipper. Not everyone will always approve of the choices we make and sometimes we need to be okay with that. Best of luck to you.

spirituality