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Weason30217

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Yo, this is why.

What the fuck? You can turn into ice?

My story begins at the dawn of time in the far away realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of the many stops on my lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don’t care if it blows up! Cause I’ll just be ice, floatin’ through space, like a comet!

Take it from me, Ice. You can’t just float around space not caring about stuff forever.

SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.

Ahem. Uhhh… lop-oo-lop-oo-lop-oo-dups, nop-oo-nop-oo-nop-oo-nuts.

Mr. President, if I’ve learned one thing today, it’s that sometimes, you have to not give a fuck!

Nup-oo-nup-oo-nup-oo-nups… ooh, tough crowd.

The heads are displeased!

Morty!

What do you say, Rick?

I say… Let’s do it!

Ohhhh yeahhhh!

Come on, here we go!

Ohhhh yeahhhh!

Say it with me!

Why didn’t he turn into a snake?

Trade secret, Mr. President. Particle beam in a wristwatch… snake holster on the leg.

I have changed. I am ready to rejoin my brethren on Alphabetrium.

Don't worry about Jerry. He's gonna be fine.You hear me Jerry? You're gonna be fine!

Woahh!

ooo Watch out for that stuff. It'll stain if it gets on your clothes, and it'll send into a murderous rage if it gets in your eyes or mouth.

Why would you keep mutant bacteria in a pint of Cherry Garcia?

I know this isn't the time, but, you know, technically the second freezer drawer is mine.

Not anymore.

You're overreacting!

Is he going to die?

What? Every hospital claims to have the best doctor in the galaxy. It's like those pizza places that claim to have the best pizza in the world. What- Do you think they have pizza contests? Have you ever been to a pizza contest?

Go in the waiting room, Dad.

Fine! Excuse me. Coming through. What are you here for- Just kidding, I don't care. Well this won't do.

A sequel.

Yeah me neither, we pretty much nailed it the first time.

Eye-holes! Get them today! IKEA.

You gotta be careful Morty, if that guy catches you with a box of his eye-holes he comes bursting in through a window and just starts kicking the shit outta you. But it's worth the risk, they melt in your mouth Morty! They're delicious.

I can't believe you're explaining alien cereal, we're worried about Jerry.

Well you're thirty-nine years too late, or however old he is. Is he fifty? Oh man, Beth is, is Jerry fifity!?

Yes I will! That's right, assholes, take my penis, TAKE IT ALL! And tell Shrimply Pimples that when the galaxy came calling Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!

Hey, what's wrong Morty? Oh, you're worried about your dad, huh?

Huh? Uh, no no no, I'm-I'm just looking at that lady getting coffee. What's up with her face? Is she a human or is she like Worf. You know Worf, from Star Trek, where he has the shit all over his face but he's just a human in a costume, you know?

Morty let's-let's see what else is on.

Whoa! Look! It's that lady with all that shit on her face like Worf from Star Trek! That was getting coffee! How did she get there!

Oh, man Morty. How DID she get there?

Is that something we should be concerned about?

Just stay away from the coffee machine.

Rick, who-who is Jan-Michael Vincent?

Oh man, I'm trying to remember Morty.

Is it important that we know who Jan-Michael Vincent is in order to get this?

Nope.

This January, It's time to Mike down your Vincent's. Jan Quadrant Vincent 16.

That's Jan-Michaels.

Excuse me, nurse, can you take my temperature? Because I think I have Jan Quadrant Vincent fever over here.

All right, Morty you've done it!

Well, Jerry, what kind of wife would I be if I did anything to stand in your way?

Anyway, that's how I escaped from space prison! Oh, scary place.

Wow, Rick! That's -- That's one -- one heck of a story. I sure do wish I could have been there to see it happen.

Oh, come on. Who wants to watch a mad scientist use handmade sci-fi tools to take out highly trained alien guards when we can sit here and be a family at Shoney's?

Dad, it's great to have you back, no matter where we are, but wouldn't you like to go home?

Emotionally speaking, honey, Shoney's is my home.

Yeah, but you just got out of prison. I mean, how much of a step up from that is --

Jerry, get out of the booth, take all your clothes off, and fold yourself 12 times.

You got it.

Six folds, huh? W-W-What, have you guys got me in a Series 9000? You cheap insect fucks didn't think I was worth your best equipment?

Man, I told the money bugs. I said, \"You know who this guy is, right? You want me to get intel out of the smartest mammal in the galaxy, you better give me a decent brainalyzer.

Well, you might as well order some pancakes, because I don't see the need to leave this part of my brain.

Oh, I think you do. Eventually, you're either gonna relax your cerebellum.

Shoney's.

Or the Series 9000 is going to turn it into mush.

Relaxed enough?

Ooh!

Oh, any particular ones? You want to see my first boner, or should we go straight to the moment I discovered interdimensional travel?

It's arousal. Yes, I'd like very much to visit the memory of you inventing your portal gun.

Yeah, well, tough titties.

If we stay here, you'll die, along with all your memories. If you take me where I want to go she'll be there, too, won't she?

The day I invented the portal gun is the day I lost her.

Oh, that sounds cool. I can get what I want and you can say goodbye.

Fine, but I'm driving.

Where are we going?

To the day it all began and ended. The moment that changed everything.

Rick, you're doing this bit while your brain is melting.

Okay. All right, all right.

Is that--

Me. I used to wear blue pants.

When'd you make the leap to interdimensional travel?

I didn't. I did.

Whoa. I-Is that it, the portal gun?

Yeah. That's the three lines of math that separates my life as a man from my life as an unfeeling ghost.

Yeah! Thanks, Rick. I'll try to remember to shut off the brainalyzer. Actually, I think it shuts off automatically once your brain is liquid. Don't know, don't care. Pull me out. Hey, pull me out! Can you hear me?

Nope, they cannot.

Why not?

Because the code you just uploaded wasn't actually my portal-gun formula, it was a virus giving me full control over the brainalyzer.

What are you talking about? This is a memory. Y-You can't alter details of a memory.

True, but you can alter anything you want about a totally fabricated origin story.

It's a trap! Abort! I'm still in his Shoney's! Repeat -- we never left his Shoney's!

Mission accomplished, boys. Pull me out.

Grandpa Rick!

Duh!

Rick!

Morty, take this. You're gonna need it later.

That's enough, Rick.

What -- What's this supposed to accomplish? We have infinite grandkids. You're trying to use Disney bucks at a Caesar's Palace here.

You're a rogue Rick -- irrational, passionate. You love your grandkids. You came to rescue them.

I came to kill you, bro. That's not even my original Summer.

Why not shoot through her?

20 yards, nine-gauge plasma pistol, My first shot would liquify her insides and injure you, second shot adds recoil. The risk to me is minimized if I wait for you to shoot her, which I'm encouraging you to do.

What the fuck?

Or let her go, which I will reward with a quicker death.

Because you love her!

Because it's incentive for you to give me my cleanest shot, which will be your least painful death. But if you want to die slower than that, I'm super into it. All you got to do to get that started is kill the girl.

I hate you!

Not an issue, sweetie.

That's enough! Drop the gun, Rick!

Morty, I know you're too stupid to get this, but you're really fuckin' this up right now.

I'm not letting you let my sister die! Drop the gun!

I wasn't gonna let her die, you fuckin' moron!

Aww.

The point is he thought I was going to.

Morty, you fucking idiot!

You're a serious fuckin' idiot, Morty! You basically killed us all! You're the worst! You're as dumb as a bag of sand.

That was amazing, Morty. Oh, my God. Wow. Okay, let's wrap this-

Good job, Morty. Let's go, kids.

What?! What happened?

Oldest Rick trick in the book.

Can't we just portal home?

Not until I finish what I started. And that is how you get level-nine access without a password.

So, what are you doing with level-nine access anyways?

Destroying the galactic government.

Ooh, or -- or reprogram their military portals to disintegrate their entire space fleet?

Good pitches, kids. I'm almost proud. But watch closely as Grandpa topples an empire by changing a one to a zero.

Just each other, and I'll never let you go. And I'm so sorry I ever did this to us.

Guess who dismantled the government?

Please don't leave me again.

I never will, baby.

I was right. He turned himself in on purpose. It was all part of his plan!

Jerry, is there any light beer left? It's insane what you miss in prison.

Um..okay. No. No, no, no. Foot down time.

No, you're right. Where's the vodka?

Beth, it's him or me!

Seems like you guys need some privacy. I'll, uh -- I'll be in the garage.

Jerry's going to spend some time divorced.

Oh, I-I'm sorry to hear that, sweetie. I hope I had nothing to do with that.

Oh, God, Dad, that is not your burden to bear. I feel terrible that I misjudged you. This is gonna be good for Jerry.

For everybody.

Geez! Are my parents seriously gonna get divorced? All right, Rick, I'm gonna go to my --

Not so fast, Morty. You heard your mom. We've got adventures to go on, Morty -- just you and me -- and sometimes your sister and sometimes your mom, but never your dad. You want to know why, Morty? Because he crossed me.

Okay, take it easy, Rick. T-T-That's dark.

Oh, it gets darker, Morty. Welcome to the darkest year of our adventures. First thing that's different -- no more Dad, Morty.

Oh, geez.

He threatened to turn me in to the government, so I made him and the government go away.

Oh, fuck.

I've replaced them both as the de facto patriarch of your family and your universe. Your mom wouldn't have accepted me if I came home -

Oh, man.

- without you and your sister, so now you know the real reason I rescued you. Oh! I just took over the family, Morty, and if you tell your mom -

Oh, man.

- or sister I said any of this, I'll deny it -

You're gonna deny it.

- and they'll take my side because I'm a hero, Morty. And now you're gonna have to go -

Oh.

- and do whatever I say, Morty, forever! And I'll -- I'll go out and I'll find some more of that \"Mulan\" Szechuan teriyaki dipping sauce, Morty. -

What are you talking about?

- Because that's -- that's what this is all about, Morty.

Szechuan?

That's my one-armed man! I'm not driven by avenging my dead family, Morty! That was fake. I-I-I'm driven by finding that McNugget sauce.

McNuggets?

I want that \"Mulan\" McNugget sauce, Morty! That's my series arc, Morty.

What the hell?

If it takes nine seasons, I want my McNugget dipping sauce, Szechuan sauce, Morty.

What are you talking about, Rick?

That's what's gonna take us all the way to the end, Morty.

What are you talking about?!

Season -- Nine more seasons, Morty. Nine more seasons until I get that dipping Szechuan sauce.

What is that?!

For 97 more years, Morty!

What are you talking about?!

I want that McNugget sauce, Morty!

Weird breed.

Man, I missed having hands and blood and a stomach.

Really? Like, go somewhere? Yeah, let's drop the kids off and go tie one on.

Absolutely.

So what are you thinking, like, Smokey's Tavern? Maybe Shoney's?

Yeah, either one. Either one.

You'll never get away with this, Concerto.

This is it, Morty. We're goners. We're not getting out of this one. After everything we've been through, this is how we're gonna die. Make peace with your god.

Oh, geez, Rick, I-I-I don't want to die!

Jaguar!

Who? Who was that, Rick?

That, Morty, is why you don't go to therapy.

Then why aren't we killing them?!

Great. Next time I need a species sterilized, who's gonna do it for me? You?

Oh, Rick! I-Is that the Vindibeacon? We're being called to assemble by the Vindicators!

I refuse to answer a literal call to adventure, Morty. Let it go to voicemail!

Rick, the Vindicators only call when the universe itself is at stake! They're first line of defense against evil! They're the guardians of the unguarded!

They're the writers of their own press releases, Morty! They're a bunch of drama queens that spend an hour talking and twenty minutes jumping around while shit blows up. They're a phase. We did one, it was the big event of that summer. Let it die.

I, Morty Smith, invoke my right to choose one in every ten Rick and Morty adventures. Read 'em and weep.

God fuckin' dammit! Fine! But don't say I didn't warn you.

Yes! Vindicator command ship, beacon received! We're doing Vindicators Twoooooooooo!

Whoops! Uh, Morty, you might want to freeze some sperm.

..and this time, he's out to end more than worlds. We have reason to believe his stronghold is located on...

My balls.

...the Terraneus system. Once in range, Million Ants will scan for pheromone activity, which should lead us to the location of the base.

Oh, that's Million Ants. I can't see the ants over here. It just assumed that was, uh, Turd Man. Wiggly Turd Man.