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post | ft6djg | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,767,917 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6djg/funny_joke/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | #funny #joke | 1 |
post | ft6df6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,767,907 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6df6/dad_if_you_keep_masturbating_youll_go_blind/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Dad: If you keep masturbating you’ll go blind! | 8 |
post | ft6cwb | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,767,862 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6cwb/elite_hacker_finds_a_magic_lamp/ | self.jokes | null | He rubs it and a genie pops out.
The genie says "You have three wishes."
Elite Hacker says "I wish I have zero more wishes."
Genie says "You have 255 more wishes." | Elite Hacker Finds a Magic Lamp | 14 |
post | ft6cbh | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,767,809 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6cbh/this_joke_is_not_a_joke_so_that_makes_it_an_april/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | This joke is not a joke so that makes it an April Fools’ joke, so it is a joke. | 1 |
post | ft6c9z | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,767,805 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6c9z/people_must_not_cough_near_you_people_can_only/ | self.jokes | null | Far Cough | People must not cough near you. People can only cough far away. When you hear people cough, you should tell them to | 8 |
post | ft6aif | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,767,666 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6aif/a_mathematician_stumbles_home_drunk_at_3_am/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. | 5 |
post | ft6ad2 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,767,654 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6ad2/why_did_the_semen_cross_the_road/ | self.jokes | null | Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning. | Why did the semen cross the road ? | 11 |
post | ft68yl | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,767,541 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft68yl/mr_t_has_a_lot_of_pitying_to_do_today/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Mr. T has a lot of pitying to do today. | 1 |
post | ft66ig | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,767,323 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft66ig/why_does_oedipus_hate_profanity/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Why does Oedipus hate profanity? | 14 |
post | ft662b | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,767,288 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft662b/a_blonde_a_brunette_and_a_redhead_are_stuck_on_an/ | self.jokes | null | One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." The brunette says, "Ive been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, "Ive been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, whats the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here." | A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. | 87 |
post | ft65os | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,767,256 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft65os/farmer_joes_bull_breaks_down_the_barbed_wire/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again... | 5 |
post | ft65jy | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,767,246 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft65jy/what_do_you_call_a_nut_that_gets_good_grades/ | self.jokes | null | An academia nut.. | What do you call a nut that gets good grades? | 5 |
post | ft6554 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,767,211 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft6554/masturbating_too_much_during_quarantine_can_lead/ | self.jokes | null | Anyways, did you know that masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss? | Masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss. | 28 |
post | ft64nv | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,767,169 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft64nv/can_february_march/ | self.jokes | null | No, but April May. | Can February March? | 10 |
post | ft63mp | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,767,077 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft63mp/a_man_walks_into_a_bar/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | A man walks into a bar... | 1 |
post | ft62dk | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,766,969 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft62dk/a_group_of_kindergarteners_were_trying_to_become/ | self.jokes | null | The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great
pride and said, "Winnie the Shit." | A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade | 356 |
post | ft61jh | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,766,891 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft61jh/chief_walking_horse_has_a_terrible_case_of/ | self.jokes | null | So he travels to the local outpost, where he sits down to talk with the Army doctor.
​
"Many moons pass, and chief Walking Horse no go number two." He complains.
​
The doctor reaches into his cabinet and fishes out a mild laxative.
​
"Here, Chief, take 1 teaspoon of this every 3 hours, and come back and see me in two days."
​
The chief took the little bottle, and left back to his village.
​
Two days later, ask the Doctor requested, he's back.
​
"Chief Walking Horse, have you moved yet?"
​
The chief slowly shakes his head no.
​
"OK, Chief, I'm going to have you double that dosage. I want you to take 2 teaspoons every 3 hours."
​
The chief nods his head yes, and leaves to return to his village.
​
This repeats itself a couple more times, and the Doctor is growing very concerned. Finally, out of frustration, he grabs another bottle of laxative, and tells the chief to drink the whole thing.
​
A few days later, while visiting a close by settlement, the Doctor sees the Chief.
​
"Chief Walking Horse! It is good to see you. Tell me, have you moved yet?"
​
The chief looks at him with a grimace and says. "Chief Moved yesterday. Teepee full of shit!" | Chief Walking Horse has a terrible case of constipation | 0 |
post | ft5z5f | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,766,680 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5z5f/i_told_my_stepdaughter_that_she_could_have/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | I told my stepdaughter that she could have brownies for breakfast | 1 |
post | ft5ygz | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,766,621 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5ygz/true_story_my_girlfriend_wakes_up_this_morning/ | self.jokes | null | She wakes up this morning, turns to me and says “I’m horny”
Me: *Excitement in my voice* “Yeah?!”
Her: “April fools!”
Me: .... :*( | (True Story) My girlfriend wakes up this morning | 0 |
post | ft5yeo | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,766,614 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5yeo/what_is_the_stuttering_reddit_users_favorite_type/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What is the stuttering Reddit user's favorite type of candy? | 0 |
post | ft5yac | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,766,604 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5yac/3_men_are_shipwrecked_on_an_island/ | self.jokes | null | They come to find that the island is inhabited by cannibals, and before they can make it far, they are captured. The cannibals bring the 3 men to their king, who tells them “bring me 10 of a fruit, and I will set you free”
The men are shocked, and immediately get to work. The first man comes back with 10 apples. The cannibal king says to him “now, if you can shove each of those apples up your ass, without making a single facial expression, I will set you free. If you cannot, we will eat you” mr. apples guy gets up to #4, and can’t handle the pain any longer and starts crying, so the king kills him and the tribe prepares him.
The second man comes back with 10 strawberries. The king gives him the same instructions, and the man gets up to the 8th strawberry and then suddenly bursts out laughing, hysterically. The king kills him as well, and the tribe adds him to the fire.
Up in heaven, the first guy meets up with the second guy. He says “Mate! You could have gotten away, why, of all things, did you start laughing like that?”
The second guy replies “well mate I saw the third guy running, and he was carrying pineapples!”
Am on mobile, excuse any mistakes | 3 men are shipwrecked on an island | 1 |
post | ft5yab | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,766,604 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5yab/3_men_are_shipwrecked_on_an_island/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | 3 men are shipwrecked on an island | 3 |
post | ft5xcq | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,766,521 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5xcq/what_is_a_reddit_users_favorite_type_of_candy/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What is a Reddit user's favorite type of candy? | 1 |
post | ft5xay | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,766,515 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5xay/coronavirus_is_the_proof_that/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Coronavirus is the proof that... | 0 |
post | ft5wnz | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,766,460 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5wnz/rape_is_like_dark_jokes/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Rape is like dark jokes. | 0 |
post | ft5wg6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,766,438 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5wg6/an_old_joke_i_heard_in_india/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | An old joke I heard in India | 1 |
post | ft5v3a | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,766,313 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5v3a/pro_tip_you_can_sanitize_your_phone/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Pro Tip: You can sanitize your phone | 2 |
post | ft5tge | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,766,164 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5tge/a_man_is_walking_through_his_local_mall_and/ | self.jokes | null |
He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"
The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!" | A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store | 59 |
post | ft5qtj | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,765,934 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5qtj/your_mommas_so_fat/ | self.jokes | null | When she butt dials someone, it's an entire area code. | Your momma's so fat.... | 0 |
post | ft5ou4 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,765,767 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5ou4/can_we_uninstall_2020_and_install_it_again/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again? | 2 |
post | ft5nlw | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,765,658 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5nlw/its_not_that_i_judge_all_sylvester_stallone/ | self.jokes | null | I just dread them | It's not that I judge all Sylvester Stallone movies negatively | 1 |
post | ft5n4v | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,765,618 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5n4v/a_man_escapes_from_a_prison_where_hes_been_locked/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. | 2 |
post | ft5lbe | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,765,463 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5lbe/due_to_a_huge_increase_in_deliveries_fedex_and/ | self.jokes | null | And are now fed-up | Due to a huge increase in deliveries, FedEx and UPS have joined forces | 49 |
post | ft5l23 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,765,441 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5l23/a_conversation_between_2_mind_readers/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | A conversation between 2 mind readers. | 1 |
post | ft5kbv | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,765,377 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5kbv/some_of_the_best_multiplayer_games_i_have_seen/ | self.jokes | null | 1) PUBG
2) Minecraft
3) Long distance relationships | Some of the best multiplayer games i have seen people playing | 0 |
post | ft5hse | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,765,169 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5hse/happy_presidents_day_everyone/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Happy President’s Day, everyone! | 1 |
post | ft5hdg | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,765,134 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5hdg/nsfw_do_you_think_sperm_would_be_disappointed/ | self.jokes | null | ...to find out they were in a gay dude's balls? They have one job: to be a baby, but the best they can be is a snack.
Imagine your whole life you wanted to be an astronaut. You went to space camp, you studied hard. You beat the odds, and came in first of your class...you get the job, they load you into the rocket and instead of shooting you into space, they shoot you into some guy's asshole.
I mean, being in a straight guy's balls can't be any better...like it's the last day of school, the bell rings, and all the kids pours out the doors and right into a sock. Even best case scenario you're target demographic is a cunt. | Nsfw: Do you think sperm would be disappointed... | 7 |
post | ft5f3y | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,764,937 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5f3y/what_do_you_call_a_fish_with_no_fins/ | self.jokes | null | unfinished!
and sad :( | what do you call a fish with no fins?? | 3 |
post | ft5f3v | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,764,936 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5f3v/hate_social_distiancing_im_handing_out_a_hundred/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Hate social distiancing? I'm handing out a hundred dollar bill to anyone who rebels against the rules.. | 0 |
post | ft5dm6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,764,809 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5dm6/two_men_were_riding_through_mississippi_when/ | self.jokes | null | The officer approaches the driver's side, opens the door, pulls the driver out, and begins beating him senseless. When he's done he tells the driver, "We don't drive like assholes in Mississippi." Shoves him back in the car, walks around to the passenger side, repeating the process. The passenger pleads, "I wasn't driving, why me? Why ME?!"
The officer says, "So you don't say I wish he would've tried that shit with me five miles down the road." | Two men were riding through Mississippi when they're pulled over for speeding.. | 9 |
post | ft5d47 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,764,765 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5d47/trump_is_one_ugly_bastard/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Trump is one ugly bastard. | 0 |
post | ft5csd | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,764,737 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5csd/my_grandad_died_last_year_because_we_couldnt_find/ | self.jokes | null | He kept shouting “be positive” but it’s hard without him | My grandad died last year because we couldn’t find out his blood type for an emergency transfusion | 5 |
post | ft5bzc | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,764,669 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5bzc/we_think_of_the_19th_amendment_as_a_feminist/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | We think of the 19th amendment as a feminist achievement | 0 |
post | ft5asa | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,764,562 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5asa/one_day_little_johnny_saw_his_grandpa_smoking_his/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. | 1 |
post | ft5a7k | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,764,508 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft5a7k/bill_and_fred_hang_out_at_the_beach/ | self.jokes | null | Bill meets a lot of girls, but Fred can’t get anywhere with them. Finally, Fred takes Bill aside and asks him, “What’s your secret?”
“Well,” Bill says in a low voice, “I always put a potato in my trunks. Works every time!”
Fred thinks that it’s a great idea, and the next day, he puts a potato in his trunks.
They return to the beach, but this time the girls are RUNNING away from him.
Bill waves him over. “Fred,” he says, “the potato goes in the front.” | Bill and Fred hang out at the beach . . . | 8 |
post | ft59tr | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,764,473 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft59tr/it_all_comes_together_with_a_castle/ | self.jokes | null | And it all gets divided by a corona | It all comes together with a castle | 1 |
post | ft58gq | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,764,366 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft58gq/07726524593_please_text_this_number_asking_do_you/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | 07726524593 PLEASE TEXT THIS NUMBER - ASKING 'DO YOU STILL HAVE THOSE GOATS FOR SALE'. | 1 |
post | ft571t | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,764,250 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft571t/my_wife_asked_to_netflix_and_chill_tonight/ | self.jokes | null | So I stuffed her in a freezer and I am watching Tiger King | My wife asked to netflix and chill tonight. | 0 |
post | ft54o6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,764,074 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft54o6/news_los_angeles_to_reopen_gun_shops_as_essential/ | self.jokes | null |
Just in time for the reopening of the schools next week. | News: Los Angeles to reopen gun shops as "essential" businesses. | 20 |
post | ft4y6e | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,763,690 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4y6e/donald_trump_vladimir_putin_and_xi_jinping_are/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, and Xi Jinping are boasting about their coronavirus strategies | 0 |
post | ft4vci | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,763,549 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4vci/viral_marketing/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Viral marketing | 1 |
post | ft4td1 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,763,452 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4td1/an_englishman_an_irishman_a_scotsman_and_a/ | self.jokes | null | ...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!."
The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'."
Then the Irishman says "Oi tink Oi'd like for t' see a hundred Oirish dancers all doin' Riverdance before Oi go."
The Englishman says "My request? Will you shoot me first?" | An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman all get caught by the Iraqis. Sounds painful, but the head captor tells them "You are all to be shot- but it is tradition and a mark of honour to grant the first four prisoners of war whatsoever they wish before they are executed."... | 23 |
post | ft4qz7 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,763,334 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4qz7/every_day_for_the_past_few_months_i_announce/ | self.jokes | null | It’s my longest running joke of the year. | Every day for the past few months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t. | 5 |
post | ft4oqk | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,763,222 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4oqk/what_is_the_difference_between_an_erection_and_a/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | What is the difference between an erection and a Subaru? | 0 |
post | ft4ngx | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,763,160 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4ngx/what_is_the_difference_between_an_erection_and_a/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | What is the difference between an erection and a Subaru? | 5 |
post | ft4nbp | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,763,153 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4nbp/what_is_the_difference_between_an_erection_and_a/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | What is the difference between an erection and a Subaru? | 0 |
post | ft4ll5 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,763,066 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4ll5/my_mom_always_complains_bout_me_being_weird_so/ | self.jokes | null | So I covered myself in camouflage clothes and paint and walked around Disneyland. | My mom always complains bout me being weird, so when we went to Disneyland, she told me to "just blend into the crowd." | 0 |
post | ft4iwr | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,762,936 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4iwr/they_said_i_wasnt_gonna_get_laid_this_year/ | self.jokes | null | ...jokes on them. I got laid off today. | They said I wasn't gonna get laid this year... | 5 |
post | ft4g9t | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,762,763 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4g9t/once_there_was_a_man_with_a_15_inch_penis/ | self.jokes | null | He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.
One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know the solution. In the forest by the pond, there is a magic purple toad. If you can get the toad to say 'No' to you, your penis will shrink by three inches."
The man followed the witch's advice, and went into the forest. Sure enough, by the lakeside was a large purple toad. The man thought for a moment, then walked up to the toad and said, "Hey magic toad, do you want to have sex with me?"
The toad replied with a disgusted face, "What? No!"
As promised, the man's penis shrunk to 12 inches! But it was still too big for him to be comfortable with, so he asked again, "Magic toad, please won't you have sex with me?" The toad once again made a face and croaked, "Ew, no!" and the man's penis shrunk to 9 inches. Still, he thought that might be too big.
"6 inches should be fine," he decided, so he went to the toad once more and said, "Magic toad, I need you to have sex with me!" to which the magic toad replied, "How many times do I have to tell you?! No! No! A thousand times no!" | Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis. | 41 |
post | ft4fim | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,762,710 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4fim/what_is_godzillas_favorite_cheese/ | self.jokes | null | Gorgonzilla | What is Godzilla’s favorite cheese? | 5 |
post | ft4d0s | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,762,531 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4d0s/a_community_joke_where_i_live_sorry_californians/ | self.jokes | null | A Montanan, a Russian, and a Californian walk into a bar. The Russian orders vodka, pulls out his gun, and shoots it.
Everyone says, "Why did you do that?". The Russian replies, "Back at home, we have a lot of vodka,"
The whole bar laughs at this. Then, the Californian orders wine, takes the Russian's gun, and shoots the bottle.
The bartender asks,"Why did you do that?" The Californian says,"In California, we have a lot of wine."
Again, the whole bar laughs. The Montanan order some beer, drinks it, takes the Russian's gun from the Californian and shoots him.
Everyone screams, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" The Montanan replies, over sirens,"Well, in Montana, we have too many fucking Californians." | A Community Joke Where I Live (Sorry Californians) | 67 |
post | ft4b80 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,762,399 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4b80/fictional_completely_fake_news_supermarket_now/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Fictional, completely fake news: Supermarket now sell only 1 food product | 0 |
post | ft4arh | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,762,364 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4arh/what_do_you_call_a_shy_sponge/ | self.jokes | null | Aloofa | What do you call a shy sponge? | 2 |
post | ft4aml | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,762,353 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft4aml/there_was_3_women_walking_down_the_street/ | self.jokes | null | I saw those women, and I shouted:
"Why are you 3 women walking down the street, there is nothing down there"
And then they turned around and flew away...
Apparently, it was just some birds | There was 3 women walking down the street | 4 |
post | ft46lf | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,762,071 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft46lf/how_to_eat_a_frog/ | self.jokes | null | Start with a live, intact female frog.
Step one: Place the frog's left rear leg over your right ear.
Step two: Place the frog's right rear leg over your left ear.
Step three: Extend your tongue.... | How to eat a frog | 0 |
post | ft46ba | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,762,046 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft46ba/how_to_eat_a_frog/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | How to eat a frog: | 0 |
post | ft465j | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,762,034 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft465j/how_to_eat_a_frog/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | How to eat a frog: | 0 |
post | ft43j0 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,761,840 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft43j0/why_did_the_mexican_take_xanax/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Why did the Mexican take Xanax? | 76 |
post | ft415d | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,761,635 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft415d/just_been_in_to_starbucks_and_the_barista_was/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask | 2 |
post | ft40tp | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,761,613 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft40tp/in_the_norwegian_alphabet_there_are_three/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | In the Norwegian alphabet there are three additional letters: Æ Ø and Å. The letter Æ is the sound a sheep makes, minus the B ... | 3 |
post | ft3zlr | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,761,509 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3zlr/an_engineer_a_physicist_and_a_statistician_go/ | self.jokes | null | An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting. They see a massive buck, and the physicist gets to take the first shot.
The physicist takes out a notepad and pencil and starts calculating, "Account for coriolis force, air friction...carry the 9..." Finally the physicist has calculated the optimal firing angle. He takes his rifle, consults his calculations, lines up and fires...but his shot is too high and goes over the buck.
This being a joke, the buck doesn't run away so it's now the engineer's turn. He pulls out his tool kit and constructs a device to aim and fire his rifle. He completes construction, straps his rifle in, and calibrates the machine. The engineer then presses the fire button and steps back. The machine whirs, then fires the rifle...but the shot is too low and passes under the deer.
The statistician throws his fists into the air and shouts, "We got him!" | An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go deer hunting. | 9 |
post | ft3z2y | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,761,465 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3z2y/i_have_the_most_loving_wife/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | I have the most loving wife | 6 |
post | ft3w6s | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,761,233 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3w6s/farmer_joes_bull_breaks_down_the_barbed_wire/ | self.jokes | null | Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting" | Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again... | 7 |
post | ft3w1k | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,761,219 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3w1k/construction_worker_joke/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Construction Worker Joke | 1 |
post | ft3uvm | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,761,121 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3uvm/what_do_you_call_a_cheap_circumsion/ | self.jokes | null | A rip off | What do you call a cheap circumsion? | 8 |
post | ft3tto | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,761,031 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3tto/you_know_how_men_who_drive_really_expensive_or/ | self.jokes | null | What does that say about men who ride bicycles around?
Or men who just walk to where they're going? | You know how men who drive really expensive or large vehicles must be compensating? | 3 |
post | ft3tbs | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,760,987 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3tbs/the_united_states_government_just_cancelled_april/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | The United States Government just cancelled April Fools' Day due to the prevalence of prank-related injuries last year. | 1 |
post | ft3sd1 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,760,901 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3sd1/arabic_joke/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Arabic joke | 1 |
post | ft3pi6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,760,660 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3pi6/i_like_my_women_like_i_like_my_shaving_cream/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | I like my women like I like my shaving cream | 1 |
post | ft3pfi | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,760,654 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3pfi/a_man_drives_to_a_drivethru_marriage_and_asks_i/ | self.jokes | null | "Would you like fries with that?" | A man drives to a Drive-Thru Marriage and asks: "I would like to marry this woman." The employee says: | 0 |
post | ft3ocw | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,760,567 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3ocw/why_is_it_called_the_chinese_virus/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Why is it called the Chinese virus? | 0 |
post | ft3n3v | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,760,469 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3n3v/my_best_april_fools/ | self.jokes | null | A long time ago, before work, I drove through the shittiest neighborhood I could find, looking for broken auto glass. I found a pile from some unfortunate soul that had their car broken into and scooped it all up.
After settling in at work, I asked to borrow my boss's keys for access to the supply closet. I then casually left the building, got in his car and moved it out of sight, and spread the glass all over the ground where his window was. And then at lunch, as he was walking out of the building, I told the office staff to look out the window and watch him get in his car.
He walks out to where his car was, looks around confused to not see his car. He gets closer. He looks at the ground and sees the glass, and I swear we all watched his soul leave his body. His head drooped down to his feet and he walked back to the office, probably thinking he had to call the police and report a stolen car.
As soon as he opened the door, we were all standing in the hall way laughing. It took him a minute to figure it out, but he looked straight at me and gave chase yelling all kinds of obscenities. It was a fucking GREAT DAY! | My best April Fools | 5 |
post | ft3n2a | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,760,465 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3n2a/a_woman_gets_3_wishes/ | self.jokes | null | A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog.
The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good!
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart!
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show!
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! | A Woman gets 3 wishes... | 7 |
post | ft3j41 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,760,127 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3j41/she_said_that_she_will_only_date_black_boys_she/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | She said that she will only date Black Boys she saw me take my boxers off | 0 |
post | ft3ggb | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,759,905 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3ggb/what_did_the_scary_plant_say/ | self.jokes | null | Bamboo | What did the scary plant say? | 2 |
post | ft3f9t | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,759,806 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3f9t/guys_i_have_some_terrific_news/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Guys, I have some terrific news... | 3 |
post | ft3ejf | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,759,739 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3ejf/general_johnson_sent_his_jeep_in_to_the_motor/ | self.jokes | null | After a week of his Jeep being at the motor pool General Johnson called down to inquire of its progress.
Mechanic: Motor Pool
Gen Johnson: yea! Is General Johnson’s Jeep ready yet?
Mechanic: You mean fat ass Johnson?!?!
Gen Johnson: BOY! DO YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL YOU’RE TALKIN’ TO???!!!
Mechanic: No...
Gen Johnson: This is General Johnson!!!
Mechanic: Do you know who you’re talkin’ to?
Gen Johnson: No
Mechanic: Bye fat ass... “click” | General Johnson sent his Jeep in to the motor pool for repairs. | 0 |
post | ft3ecl | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,759,719 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3ecl/just_got_back_from_the_local_supermarket/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Just got back from the local supermarket... | 0 |
post | ft3czc | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,759,598 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3czc/what_did_my_internet_history_tell_my_wife/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | What did my Internet history tell my wife? | 0 |
post | ft3a8v | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,759,363 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3a8v/before_vs_after_marriage/ | self.jokes | null | Before Marriage:
Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: No don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get.
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After Marriage:
(Read from bottom to top) | Before VS After Marriage | 7 |
post | ft3a8j | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,759,362 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft3a8j/if_you_see_mr_t_do_not_talk_to_him_today_he_is_in/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | If you see Mr. T do not talk to him today. He is in a terrible mood! | 2 |
post | ft37vd | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,759,154 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft37vd/did_you_know_there_is_a_play_about_queen/ | self.jokes | null | It’s a period drama. | Did you know there is a Play about Queen Elizabeth I’s menstruation? | 0 |
post | ft35ix | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,758,946 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft35ix/whats_a_pregnant_woman_to_a_cannibal/ | self.jokes | null | Kinder surprise. | What’s a pregnant woman to a cannibal? | 110 |
post | ft34sb | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,758,884 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft34sb/in_star_trek_picard_the_borg_are_depressed/ | self.jokes | null | "Existence is futile" | In Star Trek Picard, the Borg are depressed. | 1 |
post | ft34ny | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,758,874 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft34ny/the_covid19_virus_in_the_us_is_unprecedented/ | self.jokes | null | Edit: un-presidented | The COVID-19 virus in the US is unprecedented | 4 |
post | ft33jz | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,758,779 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft33jz/i_saw_a_guy_at_the_store_buying_four_crates_of/ | self.jokes | null | I thought to myself... Hispanic buying. | I saw a guy at the store buying four crates of San Miguel, five paella and three sombreros. | 4 |
post | ft32dg | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,758,677 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft32dg/i_ordered_a_customized_prank_pizza_today/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | I ordered a customized prank pizza today. | 1 |
post | ft31mc | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,758,606 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft31mc/robin_hood_gives_a_bag_of_stolen_coins_to_a_poor/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Robin Hood gives a bag of stolen coins to a poor man on the street. | 1 |
post | ft30i6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,758,507 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft30i6/is_today_april_1st/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Is today April 1st? | 1 |
post | ft308p | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,758,480 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft308p/a_black_guy_and_a_mexican_are_in_a_carwhos_driving/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | A black guy and a mexican are in a car,whos driving? | 0 |