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[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you overworked, under paid, over-regulated, under-leisured, and underbenefited? Take heart! Not only could it be worse, it has been. This notice was found in the ruins of a London office building. It was dated 1852:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "FROM: OPERATIONS SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees. Under the policy a \"Restroom Trip Bank\" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated. Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period. If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken. The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "To: All Employees Subject: Special High Intensity Training In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well-trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in the country. If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed on top of his S.H.I.T. list for special attention. All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed. If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List, Special High Intensity Training (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.). Thank you, Boss in General Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.) PS. With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily become the Director of Intensity Programming, Special High Intensity Training." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, \"Hey Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.\" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, \"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.\" The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, \"I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.\" He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, \"Give me a Coke.\" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, \"Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?\" The Guinness president replies, \"Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, \"Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!\" The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, \"Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.\" Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, \"You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!\" \"Wow!\" said the other two. \"That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?\" \"No,\" he replied, \"but it happened to my sister!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, He traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an \"epiphany\", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper's position... Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, \"It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.\" \"Well, I have contacts,\" the woman replied. \"Look lady, I don't care who you know,\" snapped the officer. \"You're getting a ticket.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man has too much to drink at a party. His friends offer to drive him home, but the says no--he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a call for a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell him to stay put; they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery. After a few minutes, the man decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later, the police knock on the door. They ask if a Mr. X lives there, and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door--where they find the police car, lights still flashing." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says, \"Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.\" The Mexican man pleads with them, \"No, noooo Señor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!\" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself--I'm going to make it hard for him--and says, \"Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence.\" The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, \"The three words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in one sentence.\" The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, \"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green--I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are \"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes,\" committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titled \"How Not to Rob a Bank,\" by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A dyslexic cop is severely reprimanded by his captain because the spelling on his police reports is incomprehensible. \"How can you expect anyone to read this! If you file just one more report with any and I mean *ANY* words misspelled, you are going on report!\" screams the captain." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Abbott said, \"Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.\" Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Abbott said to him: \"Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words.\" Brother John said, \"Hard Bed.\" \"I'm sorry to hear that,\" the Abbott said. \"We will get you a better bed.\" The next year, Brother John was called by the Abbott. \"You may say another two words Brother John.\" \"Cold Food.\" said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future. On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. \"Two words you may say today.\" \"I quit.\" said Brother John. \"It is probably best.\" said the Abbott. \"All you have done since you got here is complain.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, \"Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?\" Father Patrick replied, \"No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal.\" Muldoon said \"I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?\" Father Patrick asked, \"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, \"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks.\" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, \"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!\" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, \"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?\" And the guy says, \"Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, \"I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. Let me go find out,\" and he leaves. The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. \"What if it doesn't work out?\", they wonder, \"Are we stuck together forever?\" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. \"Yes,\" he informs the couple, \"You can get married in Heaven.\" \"Great,\" says the couple, \"but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?\" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. \"What's wrong?\" exclaims the frightened couple. \"Jeez!\" St. Peter exclaims, \"It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In the Beginning God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, \"Let there be light\", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light \"Day\" and the darkness \"Night\". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, \"Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed\". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, \"Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth\". Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before... At this point God created Hell." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home \"Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers,\" the son said. \"It was wonderful and enlightening; however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity.\" \"Oi vey,\" replied the father, \"what have I done?\" So, in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. \"It is amazing that you should come to me,\" stated his friend. \"I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian.\" So in the tradition of the patriarchs, they went to the Rabbi. \"It is amazing that you should come to me,\" stated the Rabbi. \"I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord,\" said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour our their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, \"Amazing that you should come to me. I, too, sent my Son to Israel....\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, \"The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!\" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. \"Leave us alone you religious nuts!\" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash. \"Do you think,\" said one clergy to the other, \"we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It has come to our attention that the pastor you received was shipped with a slight defect: he/she is not psychic. This defect necessitates certain special procedures to ensure optimum performance of your unit." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements. The Pastoral Search Committee." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A Jew, a Greek, and an Italian man all die in a plane crash. They are standing before the Lord, and the Lord tells them, \"I am going to give you one more chance. I'll send you back to earth on one condition: that you give up your bad habits.\" They all say, \"We will, we will. Please let us live again!\" The Italian man agrees to give up eating compulsively. The Jewish man promises to give up thinking of money all the time. And the Greek man vows not to constantly think about sex. Suddenly they find themselves back on earth, walking down the street. Before they even get a chance to say anything to each other about what has just happened, the Italian man sees a restaurant and begins to salivate. He starts running toward the restaurant when POOF! He disappears in a cloud of smoke. Just then, the Jewish man sees a dime on the street a couple of feet away. He steps forward, bends over to pick it up, and POOF! Both he and the Greek disappear." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Driver's swear ..... are you listenin', At the Mall .....folks are bitchin', A miserable sight ..... they're sorry tonite, Drivin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand! Gone away ...... are your tires, meter has ...... just expired, They towed you away, while you shopped today, Parkin' in New Jersey's TrafficLand! On the Parkway we will have a breakdown, We'll be stuck and threathened on the side, If we're lucky, muggers might come mug us, And if we plead they may give us a ride! Santa's sleigh ..... was impounded, All the Elves ...... were surrounded, He's now in a cell .... for ringin' his bell, Living in New Jersey's TrafficLand!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. \"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.\" Ole got up from his coffee and replies \"Well, okay.\" Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, \"There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.\" Ole got up from his coffee and replies, \"Well, okay.\" Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, \"There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the...\" and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, \"What am I going to do now, Lena?\" Lena replies, \"Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived! I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. (P.S. Sure is hot down here!)" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One of the worlds most famous blondes turned 40 in 1999. She doesn't look a day over 18, well maybe 27. No cellulite on her thighs, no wrinkles, no sagging breasts. Her figure is the same as it was twenty years ago. Many girls from around the world are familiar with this famous blonde. Some would say she is more famous than Madonna. Yes, Barbie Millicent Roberts turns forty in 1999. Is it time to give up the mini skirt for something more conservative? You be the judge, but the folks over at Mattel don't seem to think so. On the other hand, some women have suggested a few changes to the world's most popular doll. Something more fitting for the now middle aged blonde. Here's a list of possible new Barbies..." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mrs. Brown is the church Matron, and she has become very famous for the baked beans she makes for every picnick or church potluck. The annual Mother's Day Pot Luck Dinner was tomorrow, and as usual Mrs. Brown set about preparing her baked beans for the meal. She had set everything to going on the stove, and was called away to the door. Mrs. Brown's son Billy came running into a freshly waxed kitchen, with his BB Gun in one hand and a fist full of BB's in the other. He slipped on the freshly waxed floor, and wouldn't you know it, the BB's flew right into the pot of baking beans. Mrs. Brown walked into the kitchen and scolded little Billy for running indoors, but not wanting to get into any further trouble he said nothing about the BB's going into the pot of simmering beans. The next day came, and the Pot Luck was an enormous success. As usual, Mrs. Brown's beans were the favorites and were quickly eaten all up. Not a single bean left in the pot. The next morning Mrs. Brown receives a phone call from the church secretary. \"Mrs. Brown,\" she says, \"Um, I loved your beans as always, but did you perhaps add anything, or change your recipe?\" Mrs. Brown replied, \"Why No, it was the same recipe as I always prepare, Why?\" The secretary says, \"Well, um, I bent over to feed my cat this morning, and I shot the Canary!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball. Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Happy Fun Ball Contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete. Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman wants the inside of her house painted, so she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, \"Now in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.\" The contractor nods thoughtfully, then goes to the window, leans out, and yells \"Green side up\". The woman is most perplexed, but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, \"In the dining room, I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy.\" The contractor nods, then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells \"Green side up\". The woman is even more perplexed, but still she lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, \"In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful peaceful, cool blue.\" The contractor nods, then once more he goes to the window, leans out, and yells \"Green side up\". This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, \"Every time I tell you a color, you don't even bother to write it down, but then you yell out the window \"Green Side Up\". What on earth does that mean? Are you even paying attention to the colors I want?\" The contractor recites her color choices from memory, then shakes his head and says, \"I have four Finns laying sod across the street, and I have to keep reminding them which side goes up.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it, and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose! Try it now! Follow this simple procedure:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. \"I'm having a problem,\" she announced. \"The ice keeps melting.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A Jewish man, a Polish man, and a man from India are driving around looking for a hotel. Unfortunately a convention happens to be in town that night, and there are no rooms available. They wind up driving to the outskirts of the city where at last they come across a motel with a VACANCY sign. They stop and go in to register. \"I'm sorry,\" says the clerk, \"but we only have one room left and it's only a double.\" The three men explain how desperate they are, and so the clerk says, \"Okay, I know what we can do. One of you men can sleep out in the barn. Don't worry, though, we'll put a cot out there and make it nice and comfortable for you.\" The clerk then shows them to their room, and as he is leaving he says, \"It's up to you three to decided who is going to sleep in the barn.\" Without hesitation, the man from India says, \"No problem, I'll sleep in the barn.\" He leaves, and a few minutes later, as the other two men are getting ready for bed, they hear a knock at the door. They open it, and the Indian man is standing there. \"So sorry,\" he says, \"I cannot sleep with the sacred cow.\" \"So, I'll sleep in the barn,\" says the Jewish man, and he leaves. A few minutes later the other two men hear a knock on the door. They answer it, and the Jewish guy is standing there. He shrugs and says, \"Can't sleep with the pig.\" So the Polish guy says, \"I guess I'll sleep in the barn.\" He leaves. The Indian and the Jewish man are beginning to undress when they hear a sound at the door. They open it and the pig and cow are standing there." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos: Your Personality:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Read each line ALOUD: This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is dumbass cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is about cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Once uton a pime in a corn funtry there lived a geautiful birl and her name was Rindercella. Now Rindercella lived with her two sad blisters and her mugly other. Also in this corn funtry there liv inviting all the geautiful birls from riles amound. But Rindercella gouldn't co. She had to make dancy fesses for her two sad blisters and her mugly other. While they all went off to the bancy fall, Rindercella just cat down and shried. She was just citting there a shrying when there appeared before her - her jerry mud father! \"Rindercella,\" she asked, \"Shry do you why?\" Rindercella mold her jerry mud father of her werrible tork. Just then her jerry mud father made Rindercella a geautiful bown and took two mield fice and a tumpkin and purned them into two stighty malions and cig boach! Off to the bancy fall went Rindercella, with the warning that she must go home before the mid clock struck night. As Rindercella entered the bancy fall the pransome hince saw her through a widden hindow and thought she gas worgeous! They danced and danced and soon they lell in fove. Suddenly, the mid clock struck night and fearing her cig boach would purn into a tumpkin, Rindercella staced down the rairs. But as she beached the rottom, she slopped her dripper. Well the nery vext day the pransome hince searched the corn funtry for the geautiful birl who had slopped her dripper. He tried it on Rindercella's mugly other, but if fidn't dit. He tried it on her sad blisters... Then, the dripper fit only Rindercella at last. Now the storal of the mory: If you ever go to a bancy fall to meet a pransome hince with the hopes of lalling in fove, don't forget to slop your dripper!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "DETROIT As of Friday, June 24, 1994 the Ford Bronco has officially been selected as the vehicle of choice in the United States. The Conclusive California road test, as seen on national TV, proved without a doubt that the 1994 Bronco can successfully hold off 15 or more police cars, 3 helicopters, and the entire population of the United States for more than an hour and a half, while never exceeding 43 miles per hour. The vehicle even works as well parked in the driveway of your residence. If you are a felon, then we have a special deal for you on a brand new Ford Bronco. Just go to your local Ford dealer and ask for the new O.J. Package. This specially equipped Bronco comes with a .30 caliber pistol, twenty five rounds of ammunition, blood resistant upholstery, cellular phone with speed-dialing for 911 calls, $10,000.00 cash, a passport, a former famous football player blow-up doll, and a high-powered well-qualified lawyer who will greet you when you arrive home. Picture yourself leaning comfortably back in your seat, listening to the gentle swirl of helicopter blades and police cars purring. And if you act now, we will throw in the O.J. Magical Disappearing Ginzo Knife at no extra charge. Be the first in your cell to own the new 1994 O.J. EDITION BRONCO. See your Ford Dealer now." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Carnac the Magnificent was one of the highlights of the Johnny Carson Show. In the ongoing sketch, Carnac would draw a sealed envelope from a mayonnaise jar, and hold it to his forehead. He would then answer the question sealed inside the envelope. What is missing here is his delivery. Great sketch - and you might get lucky enough to find it on Nickoleodeon." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Britain decided it was time to switch left lane traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in Europe. So they gather to plan the whole thing and nobody seems to come up with any viable solution, so they send out some help-me type faxes. A couple of days later, answers come back. The French fax read: \"As your neighbors, we are deeply touched you requested our help,\" etc., etc., \"but we have no idea at all how to do it.\" The German fax read: \"We are Germany, the most organized country in Europe, but we have not had this problem before and we do not know how to handle it.\" The Polish fax read: \"As you know, we are Poland, a country that has done a lot on the path towards democracy and economic resuscitation. \"We have a great deal of experience in such transition processes. But, as to overcome the inherent difficulties and to avoid social problems, any and all transitions must be done gradually. \"So, it is our proposal to handle the situation in three big steps. The first year, it should be mandatory only for the trucks to ride on the right lane ...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, \"Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?\" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, \"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.\" The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. \"One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.\" So the Pope slaps her." } ]