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[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. \"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.\" Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. \"Will I be acquitted?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. \"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you.\" The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, \"Hold on, you can't bring that in here!\" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, \"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through.\"Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, \"You brought pavement?!!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Attorney to witness: \"And where was the location of the accident?\" Witness: \"Approximately milepost 499.\" Attorney: \"And where is milepost 499?\" Witness: \"About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued... Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face. \"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy,\" he said, pointing to the urine bottle. \"Oh, really?\" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. \"In that case, we'd better run it through again...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An Irishman was in the South of France and could not understand why Pierre had attracted so many girls on the beach and he had attracted no one. So he asked Pierre, \"How do you manage to attract all the girls and I attract no one?\" Pierre said, \"Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild.\" So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and down the beach. After a great many hours, however, he still failed to arouse a woman. So the Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, \"I've tried it Pierre, it doesn't work!\" Pierre took one look at the Irishman and said, \"You might try putting the potato in the front of your bathing suit!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, \"You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.\"\"Well,\" said the other woman,\" that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. .... with Beer" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:\"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars\".\"Why does the parrot cost so much?\" the customer asks.The owner says, \"Well, it knows how to use a computer.\"The customer asks about the next parrot and is told \"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.\"Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told \"That one costs 2,000 dollars.\"Needless to say this begs the question \"What can IT do?\"To which the owner replies \"To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, \"Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.\" Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says \"I'll take this option.\" \"Fine,\" says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. \"That was Bill Gates!\" cried Lucifer. \"Why did you give him the best place of all?\" \"That's what everyone thinks,\" snickered Satan. \"The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't.\" \"What about the PC?\" \"It's got Windows 95!\" laughed Satan. \"And it's missing three keys.\" \"Which three?\" \"Control, Alt and Delete.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, \"Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.\" The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, \"It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?\" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, \"I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born. The nurse came out and told the first father, \"Congratulations, you're the father of twins!\" \"It figures,\" the first father said. \"I'm the manager of the Minnesota Twins.\" Five minutes later the nurse came out and told the second father, \"Congratulations you're the father of triplets!\" \"It figures,\" the second father said. \"I work for 3M.\" At that the third father fainted dead away. The second father turned to the first and asked, \"What's the matter with him?\" The first father replied, \"He works for 7-Up!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two brothers, John and Richard lived in the same town. John with his 12 year old cat, Richard with their 88 year old Mother. John's whole life was his cat. He never went anywhere without her. One day he was faced with a terrible decision. He had to go to England on business for his company and he could not take the cat into England with having to quarantine her for 14 days. He wouldn't do that so he was faced with either losing his job or leaving his cat. Finally he decided to trust his brother with the cat for the week he would be gone. He gave Richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc. Finally he flew to London and called Richard every few hours to make sure Gracie the cat was ok. 4 days of this went by and John was really getting to be a pain in the neck. On the fifth day when he called, John asked Richard how Gracie was and Richard told him. \"Gracie is dead!\" Well as you can imagine, John nearly had a heart attack. When he recovered he said to Richard, \"that was the most cruel thing I ever heard. You know how much I loved that cat, why couldn't you have broken it to me gently. You know like when I called said something like, 'well she's OK but she is up on the roof.' And then when I called the next time, tell me 'oh oh, bad news, she fell off the roof and she's at the vets'. And then the next time break the news that she passed away. At least I would have been a little prepared for the bad news.\" \"Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for being so heartless.\" John accepted Richard's apology for being so uncaring, and then said, \"oh, by the way, how's Mother?\" Richard then said, \"well, John, she's OK, but she's on the roof!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, \"Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place.\" So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, \"So, how's it going down there in hell?\" Satan replies, \"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\" God replies, \"What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.\" Satan says, \"No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.\" God says, \"Send him back up here or I'll sue.\" Satan laughs uproariously and answers, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good news: The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her, everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies, \"First, you must wear a diaphragm.\" Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, \"You must be crazy! I'm on the pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm.\" The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to wear a diaphragm. \"Well, what's the second condition?\" Cinderella asked. The fairy godmother replies, \"You must be back home by 2:00 A.M. Well, Cinderella explains that if she's gonna go party with the princes, she wants to be out all night long. The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2 A.M., then her diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin. She goes on to say that at least she'll be with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be home at 2 A.M... At 2 A.M., Cinderella doesn't show up...3 A.M., no Cinderella...4 A.M., no Cinderella...finally, at 5 A.M., Cinderella shows up at the door with a huge grin on her face. The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, \"Where the hell have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!\" Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took care of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders about a prince with this type of power and asks Cinderella his name to which she replies, \"I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something or other....\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman goes to the doctors, and says, \"Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you.\" The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. \"Well, what is it?\" he asks. \"It's a bit embarrassing,\" she replies, \"These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.\" The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, \"Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?\" The woman blushes and says, \"Well, actually I have.\" \"That's the problem,\" the doctor says, \"Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. \"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!\" he said to the bartender. \"We got her!\" replied the barkeeper. \"She's upstairs in the second room on the right.\" The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, \"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!\" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, \"You found her!\" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. \"How do you know I want to do it in that position?\" asked the miner. \"I don't,\" replied the whore, \"but I thought you might like to open those beers first.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, \"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.\" \"Dear,\" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, \"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking butt!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A couple on vacation was driving their RV through Wisconsin. As they approached the town of Oconomowoc they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth as they entered the town, and continued to bicker while they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter the husband asked the cashier, \"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?\" The girl leaned over the counter and said, \"Burrrrrr-gerrrrrr-Kiiiing.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. \"All this was just too wonderful for words,\" he said, \"but what's the dollar for?\" \"Well,\" she said, \"last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, \"Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!\" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, \"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, \"Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!\" The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a \"little tap\" could scare him so much. The driver, after gathering himself together replied, \"Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. That's a hardware problem. A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Science\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only, ''This page intentionally left blank,'' and 20% of the definitions are of the form ''A" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb? A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many ''pro-lifers'' does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile..." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A: One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A: In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, \"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.\" The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. \"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.\" Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, \"All right buddy, what's your name?\" \"Sam,\" the man moaned. \"Where ya from, Sam?\" With pain in his voice Sam replied \"The balcony.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, \"What are you up to there, Nancy?\" \"My goldfish died,\" replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, \"and I've just buried him.\" The neighbor was concerned, \"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?\" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, \"That's because he's inside your stupid cat.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young cock from the market and puts it in the pen with the old cock and the hens... Old Cock: Welcome to the farm. We'll work together towards productivity. Young Cock: Whattya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired. Old Cock: Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some? Young Cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine. Old Cock: In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let me have one hen. If I lose you have them all. Young Cock: Okay. What kind of competition? Old Cock: 50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 yards. Young Cock: No problem! We race tomorrow morning. Confidently, the following morning, the Young Cock allows the Old Cock to start off and when the Old Cock crosses the 10-yard mark, the young cock chases him with all his might. He was right behind the old cock in a matter of seconds and -- BANG! Before he can overtake the old cock, he is shot dead by the farmer, who sighs and says, \"Damn. That's the fifth gay chicken I bought this week.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to send over someone who's a gorilla expert. When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of handcuffs. The man says,''What are all of those for?'' The animal control officer says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his wrists.'' The man asks, ''What is the gun for?'' The animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot the dog!'''" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there. Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, \"Jen is the cat there?\" \"Yes, why do you ask?\" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, \"Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. \"Where is he?\" he shouts. \"Where's the guy who's been sleeping with you?\" \"I don't know what you're talking about\" she says so he tears the house apart looking for this guy. Finally he's on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. \"Aha!\" he thinks, \"That's the guy who's been sleeping with my wife.\" He's so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies. So St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks \"What are you doing here?\" The guy says \"Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died.\" St. Peter says \"You don't belong here; go to Hell.\" He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappears. A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks \"What are you doing here?\" The guy says \"I don't know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody throws a refrigerator at me.\" St. Peter wags his finger and says \"I heard about you... you go to Hell too.\" He pulls the lever and the guy disappears. A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks \"What are you doing here?\" The guy says \"I don't know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, \"Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost.\" \"What do you mean almost?\" question the priest. \"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.\" \"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in,\" explains the priest. \"You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.\" The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, \"I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!\" \"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, \"Sorry, pal. No pets allowed.\" The man replied, \"This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see.\" The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, \"Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips.\" The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. \"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?\" asked the bartender. The man replied, \"I don't know. I've only had him for seven years.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: \"R-r-run you bastard, r-run will you!\" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams \"R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run will you!\" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling \"R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run!\" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, \"He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.\" After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, \"Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, \"You can't bring that dog in here.\" \"You don't understand,\" says the man. \"This is no regular dog, he can talk.\" \"Listen, pal,\" says the bartender. \"If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks. \"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, \"What's on top of a house?\" \"Roof!\" \"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?\" \"Bark!\" \"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?\" \"Ruth!\" \"I guess you've heard enough,\" says the man. \"I'll take the hundred in twenties.\" The bartender is furious. \"Listen, pal,\" he says, \"get out of here before I belt you.\" As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, \"Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. \"Son\" he said, \"I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?\" The boy responded, \"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.\" \"What was that?\" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, \"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.\" \"Look,\" said the old man, \"I can't understand a word you're saying.\" The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... \"You have to keep the worms warm!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An Irish priest loved to fly fish, it was an obsession of his. So far this year the weather had been so bad that he hadn't had a chance to get his beloved waders on and his favorite flies out of their box. Strangely though, every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather forecast was good again for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and be in bed with the flu. He asked him to take over his sermon. The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognize him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He told God who agreed that he would do something about it. With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon. Confused the angel asked God, \"Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson.\" God replied \"I did. Who do you think he's going to tell?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Last winter, while sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. The guy could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, \"Are there any gators around here?!\" \"Naw,\" the man hollered back, \"they ain't been around for years!\" \"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, \"How did you get rid of the gators?\" \"We didn't do nothin',\" the beachcomber said. \"The sharks got 'em.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: \"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying.\" \"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, \"What is three times three?\" \"274\" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, \"It's your turn. What is three times three?\" \"Tuesday,\" replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, \"OK, Your turn. What's three times three?\" \"Nine,\" says the third man. \"That's great,\" says the doctor. \"How did you get that?\" \"Simple,\" says the third man, \"I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An old man went to the doctor for his yearly physical. His wife came along to keep him company. The doctor checked his reflexes, looked down his throat, and listened to his chest with a stethescope. He made a few notes and said, \"I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample.\" \"What?\" said the old man, being hard of hearing. \"I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample,\" repeated the doctor loudly. \"What did he say?\" shouted the old man, looking at his wife. \"What's he want?\" His wife yelled into his ear, \"He needs your underwear!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Now I lay me down to sleep, The king-size bed is soft and deep.. I sleep right in the center groove My human cannot hardly move! I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight And here is where I pass the night No one disturbs me or dares intrude Till morning comes and \"I want food!\" I sneak up slowly to begin my nibbles on my human's chin. She wakes up quickly, I have sharp teeth- And my claws I will unsheath For the morning here and it's time to play always seem to get my way. So thank you Lord for giving me This human person that I see. The one who hugs me and holds me tight And sacrifices her bed at night!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Dashing through the park With our noses to the ground Walking on our ears Pretending to be hounds Not using our eyes We navigate by smell If its over an inch high Then, it’s got a tale to tell Oh, Doggie smells Doggie smells Outside of our home Oh we love those doggie smells When on the leash we roam Doggie smells Doggie smells Marking every tree All our other doggie friends Have stopped right here to pee!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Markin' around The Christmas Tree What a doggie holiday Just doin' what comes naturally Even though it's Christmas Day Markin' around The Christmas Tree Gotta squirt each present twice Spreading our scent on all this stuff It's a doggie paradise There may be some screaming when the humans rise at dawn (but remember) Grandma wraps her gifts in plastic Hey - come on - it's nothing drastic Markin' around the Christmas tree We just do what boydogs do Doin our duty gracefully And we'll share our loot with you Markin' around the Christmas tree All precautions were in vain We must own everything we see So we stake our doggie claim Markin' around the Christmas tree We don't see the problem here But if we're caught we know that we Will be dragged off by the ear People shout and tell us we are evil little curs (but remember) We're not trying to be snotty YOU installed this indoor potty Markin' around the Christmas Tree Gonna check our list off twice When Santa visits, we know he Can just sniff out who is NICE!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone... \"Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake,\" said an angry voice. Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before hanging up. The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back ... \"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a dog.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whther you think the glass is half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Disclaimer to be used when purchasing software: This check is fully warranted against physical defects and poor workmanship in its stationery. If the check is physically damaged, return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion. No other warranty of any kind is made, neither express nor implied including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of Merchantability, Suitability for Purpose, and Validity of Currency. Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this check is assumed by you, the recipient. Even though I or my agents may have assured you of its worth, either verbally or in written communication, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don't come whimpering back to me if it bounces. The money, if any, represented by this instrument remains my property. You are licensed to use it, however you are not allowed to copy the original check except for your personal records, nor are you permitted to give the money itself to anyone else. Neither may you allow any other person to use the money. Remember, you may have it in your possession, but it still belongs to me, and I'm going to call on you from time to time just to keep tabs on it. This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the equally ridiculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of your packaging, or concealed somewhere in the middle of it. The location of your version of this or any other covenant between us is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains, and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede yours even if yours said... Oh well. You get the idea. You may decline this agreement by returning the uncashed check to me within twenty-four hours. If you attempt to cash it, however, you have implicitly accepted these terms. You may also implicitly accept these terms by:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Judy was having trouble with her computer. So she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, \"So, what was wrong?\" And he replied, \"It was an ID Ten T Error.\" A puzzled expression ran riot over Judy's face. \"An ID Ten T Error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?\" He gave her a grin... \"Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?\" \"No,\" replied Judy. \"Write it down,\" he said, \"and I think you'll figure it out.\" (She wrote...) I D 1 0 T" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Face it, you're gonna have to go outside eventually. Sure, Amazon.com will deliver right to your door and now even Taco Bell does deliveries, but, mark my words: some day you're going to HAVE to push away from the computer and go ... OUTSIDE!!! Here's a guide:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Honor System Virus\" This virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know. Thank you for your cooperation." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us guys find it rather funny.     P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls     P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Loading, loading, loading, Damn this Java coding, Feeling of foreboding, Reload! The Applet says it's running, And that big gray block is stunning, But the screen remains as blank as my mind Netscape crash, Boot 'em up! Net goes down, Dial back! Logging on, Still off-line! Reload! Try it now, Still not up! Netscape crashed, What, again? Boot it up, Log it in, Reload! Tighten, tweaking', smoothen, They say the codes improvin', So how come I'm still usin' \"reload\"? I'm tired of all this waitin', Just give me .gif animation, This code is only good for wasting time, The applet says it's running, And gray block is quite stunning, But the screen remains as blank as my mind," } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "For immediate issue: Password Security Guidelines V2.2b Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely. Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash. He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart, All of His commands are user friendly, His directory moves me to the right choices for His name's sake. Even though I scroll through the problems of file, I will fear no bugs, for You are my backup; Your password protects me; You prepare a menu before me in the presence of my enemies; Your help is only a key away. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, And my file will be merged with His and saved forever." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed, A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed, But one day he was talking to a recruiter, Who said, \"they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer...\" UNIX, that is... CRTs... Workstations... Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer. The kinfolk said \"Jed, move away from here\". They said \"Arizona is the place ya oughta be\", So he bought a box of donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee... Intel, that is... dry heat... no amusement parks... On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube. Fed him mo' donuts and sat him at a tube. Said \"yo project's outta budget, but we know just what to do. Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!\" OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory... The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad. Schedules were slipping and the boss was getting mad. They called another meeting and decided on a fix. The answer was simple... \"We'll work him sixty-six!\" Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life... Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey. Jed worked hard while his life just slipped away. Waiting to retire when he turned to 64, Instead he got a call and escorted out the door. Laid off, that is... lead hand shake... unemployed... Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told, Companies will use you and discard you when you're old. So gather up your friends and start your own firm, Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm. Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs... Y'all come back now... ya hear'" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "***** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***** This is straight from DC: If you receive an email entitled \"Badtimes\", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and you Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the \"Badtimes\" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my computer? ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel, then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A weary mother returned from the store, Lugging groceries through the kitchen door. Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son, Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done. \"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call, T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall! It's on the new paper you just hung in the den. I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again.\" She let out a moan and furrowed her brow, \"Where is your little brother right now?\" She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride, She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide. She called his full name as she entered his room. He trembled with fear--he knew that meant doom! For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved. Lamenting all the work it would take to repair, She condemned his actions and total lack of care. The more she scolded, the madder she got, Then stomped from his room, totally distraught! She headed for the den to confirm her fears. When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears. The message she read pierced her soul with a dart. It said, \"I love Mommy,\" surrounded by a heart. Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it, With an empty picture frame hung to surround it. A reminder to her, and indeed to all, Take time to read the handwriting on the wall." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A class from a nearby university was visiting a major drug manufacturer. The tour guide led the students to a glass-enclosed room. They could see several people in white lab coats. With her back to the glass, the guide announced: \"In this room researchers are actively searching for a cure for cancer.\" She stopped short as the group broke out laughing. Puzzled, the guide turned to look. Through the glass she saw three scientists in animated debate, flipping through the Yellow Pages." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Female Pharmacist A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with. The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. The man agreed and began by saying, \"This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?\" The pharmacist said, \"Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.\" When she returned, she said, \"We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Lineup: Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught by Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "My first is in kendo but not in Olympics. My second is in hurdles and in hunting. My third is in bowman and in bowling. My fourth is in cycling and in golf. My fifth is in flying and not in swimming. My last is in running and not in dancing. My whole is a sport. What am I? See Answer below... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. The answer to the Riddle is - Kung Fu" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, \"US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on \"Charlie\" taxiway; you turned right on \"Delta\". Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!\" Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, \"You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?\" The humbled crew responded, \"Yes, Ma'am.\" The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, \"Wasn't I married to you once?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, \"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!\" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, \"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!\" A passenger in Coach said, \"That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools o hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage \"Some Assembly Required.\" The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat- let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about. \"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.\" \"Honey,\" said hubby, \"you just glued my hand.\" And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with \"assembly required\" till morning's first light We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, \"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not have to run to the store for a thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!\" Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefull went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded- I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I, along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered \"Decorator Ken\", \"Beauty Salon Ken\", or \"Out Of Work Actor Ken\"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: \"S&M Ken\" , \"Green Lantern Ken\", \"Circuit Ken\", \"Bear Ken\", \"Master Ken\". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can \"push me away,\" I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action being taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine... at least that's what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the following carefully....... I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. \"Who goes there?\" inquired St. Peter. \"'Tis I, your lordship, President Bill Clinton.\" \"And what do you want?\" asked St. Peter. \"Lemme in!\" replied Clinton. \"Soooo,\" pondered Peter. \"What bad things did you do on earth?\" Clinton thought a bit and answered, \"Well, I smoked marijuana-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extramarital sex-but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury.\" After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, \"OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour, as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family. A few minutes later, the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, \"But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed.\" Exasperated, the Pope answered, \"Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esquire, here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of the United States v. William J. Clinton:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Priceline.com's stock soared and eBay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress' overhaul of campaign financial law. Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators's choice to \"name your own price\" for Congressional influence. \"This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians' pockets.\" In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto Priceline.com and \"name their own price\" to influence a member of the House. Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator need to logon to Ebay. William Jefferson Clinton has replaced William Shatner as spokesman for the new Congressional Priceline. In an \"off-camera\" remark, as Mr. Clinton held his crotch, he said, \"This is going to be *big*, really *big*.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Florida Lottery\" Guess what?!?!? I won the lottery..I'm gonna be rich!! I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multimillionaire! Can you believe it?!? I'm bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The ticket was very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card. But since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they're going to give me the money anyway!!!! They really shouldn't make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!! And even though I was confused, I didn't ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway and I didn't want to appear like I didn't know what I was doing. Isn't it nice of Florida to give the money anyway. I know, if the FL State Lottery won't give me the money, I'll just sue them!!!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, \"Aren't you Moses?\" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, \"Aren't you Moses?\" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, \"Aren't you Moses?\" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, \"Yes, I am.\" George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, \"The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Well dere once was a story 'bout a man named Bill; Da poor president couldn't keep his willie still; Den one day he was workin' at his desk, When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest... Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's. Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees, Mouth open wide and as happy as you please; Bill sez, \"oh yeah now-don't say a thing,\" \"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling.\" Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation. Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress, He said, \"Clean it up, 'cuz you really are a mess, And you're invited here to dis fine locality, To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C.\" Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff. So week after week, Monica is on her knees Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please, But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far, And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr. Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta's. Well it weren't too long till we all knew the score, 'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door; Da country's in da toilet and da people cry, \"No More\" But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore. Boob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear. So now ya know da story 'bout Bill our president, Wonderin' if dis fling's gonna cost him every cent; So da moral of da story is to do it quietly, And stay outta trouble with dat bitch named Hillary." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, \"tragedy.\" So the President asks the class for an example of a \"tragedy.\" One little boy stands up and offers, \"If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.\" \"No\" says Bush, \"that would be an accident.\" A little girl raises her hand: \"If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.\" \"I'm afraid not\" explains the President. \"That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS.\" The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. \"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?\" Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, \"If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. \"Correct\" exclaims Bush, \"that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?\" \"Well,\" Lil' Johnny said, \"because, like you just told us, it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't be a great loss.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"School\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"School\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, \"Johnny what is your problem?\" Johnny answered, \"I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!\" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: \"What is 3 x 3?\" Johnny: \"9\". Principal: \"What is 6 x 6?\" Johnny: \"36\". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, \"I think Johnny can go to the third grade.\" The teacher says to the principal, \"Let me ask him some questions?\" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, \"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?\" Johnny, after a moment, \"Legs.\" Teacher: \"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?\" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, \"Pockets.\" Teacher: \"What does a dog do that a man steps into?\" Johnny: \"Pants\" Teacher: \"What starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?\" Johnny: \"Fire truck.\" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, \"Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Military\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three generals, one from the Army, one from the Air Force, and the third from the Marine Corps, were having a debate about whose soldiers were the bravest. To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: \"Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!\" \"YES SIR!\" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention. The general dismisses him. \"Now that's bravery!\" exclaims the general. \"Bravery, nothing,\" snorts the Army general. \"Get over here, private!\" \"YES SIR!!\" replies the private. \"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first.\" \"YES SIR!!\" replies the private, and completes the task. \"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!\" They look to the Marine. \"Private,\" the Marine Corps General commands. \"YES SIR!!\" \"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.\" The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, \"TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!\" The general turns to the others and says, \"Now THAT'S bravery!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Military\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000. Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check. When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, \"from the tip of my penis, to the bottom of my testicles.\" The pension man said that would be fine, but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring. The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants...he did.... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. \"My God!\" he said, \"where are your testicles?!\" The general replied, \"Back in Nam!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speaker phone (at full volume, naturally)? It can really begin to bother you after a while. I found a fairly easy fix for that, though. I have my wife call his desk when he's not there and leave a message like \"Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven't paid for the 'toys' we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn't want me to come over there and spank you, would you?\" It is the last time you hear that particular speaker phone, I can assure you." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity. Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins. Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success. A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory. As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On Committee's has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress. The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of \"Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards\" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter \"You Are What You Wear\" and consult the \"home casual\" versus \"business casual\" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday. Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: \"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.\" A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, \"I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.\" The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page, trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, \"The sign says you have to be good with a computer.\" The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time it ran. By now, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, \"I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job.\" The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, \"Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual\". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said \"Meow.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business and government, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:" } ]