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[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, \"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. \"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. \"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. \"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.\" On the way home, the husband asked his wife, \"What did the doctor say?\" \"He said you're going to die,\" she replied." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, \"Mother of Six,\" in spite of her objections.One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, \"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?\"His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, \"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center. Man: \"What are you doing here today?\" Woman: \"Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.\" Man: \"Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.\" The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line. Man: \"Hi there! Here to donate blood again?\" Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) \"Unh unh.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman gets home, schreeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, \"Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!\" The husband says, \"Ohmigod! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?\" The wife yells back, \"I couldn't care less... just get the hell out!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A local bank is very pleased to announce that they are installingnew Drive-thru ATMs where their customers will be able withdraw cash withoutleaving their vehicle. Male and Female procedures have beentailored to best reflect the behaviours of those particular groupings.PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive up to the ATM2. Open the car window3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN4. Enter amount of cash required and press \"enter\"5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt6. Close window7. Drive awayPROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive up to the ATM2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM3. Re-start stalled engine4. Open the car window5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card6. Turn radio down & end call on cell phone7. Attempt to insert card into ATM8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance from car to ATM9. Insert card10. Re-insert card the right way up11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under \"Date of Birth\"13. Enter PIN14. Press \"cancel\" and re-enter PIN15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rear view mirror16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel, look at ATM for one minute andthen press \"enter\"17. Retrieve cash and receipt18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside19. Place receipt in back of cheque book20. Re-check make-up21. Drive forward two metres22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind23. Retrieve card24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holderand place card in an empty slot25. Drive two or three kilometres Release hand brake" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiplebruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck.Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. \"Well,\" the man says, \"it's like this; I was playing a quiet round ofgolf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ballsinto a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I wasrooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on itsrear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, therewas a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middleof the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake.\" \"What did you do?\" the doctor asks. \"Well.\" the man replies, \"I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Politically Correct Woman:She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE She does not have THIN LIPS - She is COLLAGEN DEPENDENT" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A beautiful blonde woman is having trouble growing tomatoes... seems she can't get them to turn red. She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door has a garden full of big red tomatoes. She asks him about his secret...\"twice a day\" he says \"I stand naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red.\" This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next few days standing nude in her garden. A week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks... \"have your tomatoes turned red?\" \"Not really\" she says...\"but the strangest thing has happened... the cucumbers have swollen up and are standing on end.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, \"Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive.\" The doctor smiled and said, \"Have you tried to give him Viagra?\" The lady frowned. \"Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,\" she claimed. \"Well,\" the doctor continued, \"let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing.\" The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. \"How did it go?\" the doctor asked. \"Terribly, doctor, terribly.\" \"Did it not work?\" \"Yes,\" the old lady said, \"It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years.\" \"Then what is the problem, ma'am?\" \"Well,\" she said. \"I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, \"Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.\" She replies, \"if your member is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is Andre a salesman. \"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?\" Very uncomfortably she asks, \"Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?\" He answers, \"Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to wet yourself when you hear the price.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance') 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.) 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"One Liners\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "1.I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day. 2.Warning : I have an attitude and I know how to use it. 3.Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later. 4.Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? 5.I'm a multi-tasker : I can talk and tick you off at the same time. 6.Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. 7.You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. 8.Don't tick me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. 9.Guys have feelings too. But, like . . . who cares? 10.I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. 11.Next mood swing : 6 minutes and counting. 12.I hate everybody, and you're next. 13.Please don't make me kill you. 14.And your point is . . . 15.I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. 16.All stressed out and no one to choke. 17.I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. 18.How can I miss you if you won't go away? 19.They aren't hot flashes, they're power surges! 20.Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first time." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she got in her divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up on the shore. Ten-fold she rubs the lamp and out pops a magical genie. The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on a pile on one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private bach. In an instant it was granted, but then genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the women informs the genie that she wants to make her last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. “No problem,” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. “For my last wish, I’d like to give birth to twins.”" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note : \"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love\" \"PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day a little boy went up to his father to get some help on his vocabulary homework. He had a hard time figuring out what theoritically and realistically meant. He went to his father and asked, \"dad, what does theoritically and realistically mean?\" His father said, \"well son, if you want to know, then this is how you'll find out...go up to your mom and ask her if she would sleep with a complete stranger for $500,000.\" The boy looked puzzled and said, \"but what does this have to do with it?\" \"don't worry about it, just go do it.\" his fahter said. So the boy ran upstairs and came running back down 2 minutes later saying \"Dad, Mom said she would do it.\" His Father said, \"good, now go ask your sister the same question you asked your mother now.\" The boy became confused again. but...but, \"Trust me son, just go ask her and come back.\" So the boy ran into his sisters bedroom and came back out to his father in a matter of a few seconds. \"Dad, sissy said she would do too, but what does this have to do with what theoritically and realistically mean?\" His dad replied, \"well son, theoritically I have 1,000,000 dollars and realistically we have two whores living in the house." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. \"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.\" \"What's the problem?\" the docotor inquired. \"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.\" \"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.\" The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. \"Did my advice not work?\" asked the doctor. \"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.\" \"So, what's your problem?\" \"I don't have a problem,\" the man replied. \"My wife does.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she enclosesa note to the Chinaman that says,\"Use more soap on panties.\"This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to thelaundry.Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said,\"Use more paper on ass.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day, this lady is golfing, and she hits her ball in the woods. she goes to look for it, and intead finds a frog in a trap. Hey, it says. Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes. Ok, she says. So she frees it, and it says, Sorry, forgot to tell you. whatever you get, your husband gets ten times the amount of whatever it is you wish for. Ok, fine. So, the frog asks, what's your first wish? I want to be the most beautiful women in the world. Fine, it says. Suddenly, she's gorgeous. You are the most beatiful woman. But now your husband is ten times more handsom than you. Thats ok, she say. He only has eyes for me. Whats your second wish? it asks her. I want to be the richest woman in the world. The frog then says, ok, but now your husband is ten times richer. Thats ok she says. Whats his is mine, whats mine is his. OK, the frog says. that is your last wish. what is it gonna be? I want a mild heart attack." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong withher, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, \"OK, take off all you crose.\" The woman did as she was told. \"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room.\" Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, \"OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me.\" So she did. Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, \"Your probrem vewy bad - you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates.\" Terrified., the woman asked, \"Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease? Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, \"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "What's the difference between female at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 and 58? 08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed. 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. 58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.The receptionist says, \"I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible.\" Mr. Smith says, \"What do you mean?\" The receptionist replies, \"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife.\" Mr Smith exclaims, \"That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?\" The receptionist calmly replies, \"The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't go to bed with her.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Little Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decidedthat he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, \"WellLeroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buyyou anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray forone instead.\" After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. Hefinally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.Dear Jesus,I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.Your Friend,LeroyNow, Leroy knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so heripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.Dear Jesus,I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.Your Truly,LeroyWell, Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and triedagain.Dear Jesus,I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?LeroyWell, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what hismother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving ofalmost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can andwent running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of theway he treated his parents and really considered his actions. He finallyfound himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and kneltdown, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally gotup and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All ofa sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid itunder his bed and wrote this letter.Jesus,I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike!Sincerely,You know who" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every day. One day, when he came to, he motioned her to come nearer. He whispered, eyes full of tears: \"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When our house burnt down, you were there. When my health started failing, you were by my side. You know what?\"\"What dear?\", she gently asked.\"I think you are bad luck\", he said." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, \"As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.\" This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, \"Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette\". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women. The African ambassador said, \"These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick\". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, \"Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?\" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: \"One of them's a cannibal.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. \"Well, it was like this\", said the man. \"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.\" \"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball.......... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake...\" \"What did you do?\", asks the doctor. \"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. \"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,\" he insisted. \"And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,\" he said. \"Any comments?\" His new bride replied, \"No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Seventy-three year old Gus had worked in the garment center all his life, never finding the time to get married. But one day a beautiful seventeen-year-old girl walked into the store and it was love at first sight. Within a month Gus and Rachel were married and on the way to Florida for their honeymoon. \"So how was it?\" asked Gus' friends, on the couple's return. \"Oh, just beautiful,\" replied a starry-eyed Gus. \"The sun, the surf... and we made love almost every night, we--\" \"Just a minute,\" interrupted Gus' Friend. \"At your age, forgive me for asking, you made love almost every night?\" \"Oh yes,\" said Gus, \"we almost made love Saturday, we almost made love Sunday . . .\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Women\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, \"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?\" The woman replied, \"Well, that first hearse is for my husband.\" \"What happened to him?\" The woman replied, \"My dog attacked and killed him.\" She inquired further, \"Well, who is in the second hearse?\" The woman answered, \"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.\" A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. \"Can I borrow the dog?\" \"Get in line!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Colonel Sanders walks up to the Pope one day and says, I'll give you $5,000 if you change the words in the bible 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'\".The Pope replys, \"Sorry, I cannot change the words of the Bible\". Sanders says, \"How about $7,000?\". \"Sorry, I cannot\", The Pope replys. \"$8,000\"?, Sanders tries again. The Pope thinks about it and says, \"Well, alright\". Later he goes to the cardinals and says, \"I have good news and bad news. The good is we're $8,000 richer. The bad is that we lost our endorsement with Wonder Bread.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. \"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time,\" the doctor says. \"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?\", the man asks.\"10...\" says the doctor. \"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!\" he asks desperately.\"10...9...8...7...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There were three couples that went to a church and asked to join. There was a newely wed couple, a middle-aged couple, and a older couple. The pastor told them that they had to go without sex for two weeks. Two weeks later they came back to that same church. The pastor asked the newely wed couple how it went. They replied \"It was hard the first week, but then we made it through.\" He asked the older couple, and they replied \"we did not have sex at all for the two weeks.\" He asked the middle-aged couple and the man said \"She dropped a paint can!\". The pastor said \"She dropped a paint can?. The man replied, \"She bent over with a paint can in her hand and I just had to get her right then and there!\".The pastor said, \"I'm sorry you cannot step foot into this church again!\" The man said, \"That's okay, we can't go into Home Depot either!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"School\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00. \"Why so little,\" she asked the pet store owner.The owner looked at her and said, \"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.\"The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, \"New house, new madam.\"The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought \"that's not so bad.\"When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, \"New house, new madam, new girls.\" The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.The bird looked at him and said, \"Hi Alex\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Office Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Boss, I've got to have a raise,\" the salesman said to his sales manager. \"There are three other companies after me.\"\"Is that a fact?\" the manager asked. \"What other companies are after you?\"\"The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Military\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, \"Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce.\" The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. \"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest\", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. \"Wait sir\", the loan officer said, \"while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?\" The man smiled. \"Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, \"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, \"Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.\" \"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her.\" George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, \"Diane said yes! We're getting married in June.\" Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. \"Diane is your half sister too, George.\" \"I'm awfully sorry about this.\" George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. \"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married,\" he complained. \"Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.\" \"Hee hee,\" his mother chuckled, shaking her head, \"Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning \"I\", points at his knee meaning \"need\", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, \"What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!\"The other guy says, \"I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A pirate walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.The bartender asks \"So, what happened to your leg?\"The pirate says \"Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy and they blew up me ship, I fell over board, and a shark bit me leg off.\"\"Oh,\" said the bartender,\"what happened to your hand?\"The pirate replies, \"Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy again, and won came up and chopped me hand of with his sword.\"The bartender then asked,\"Well what happened to your eye?\"The pirate answered, \"Aaar, I was walking down the beach and I looked up and there were some seagulls and one doodooed in me eye.\"\"And that caused your eye to be put out?,\" asked the bartender.To this the pirate said,\"No, first day with me hook!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A pair of birds were sitting on a branch of a tree when they see a turtle run past them, jump off the branch and flap his arms as hard as he can. He falls to the ground. The poor turtle repeats this process numerous times, and then one bird says to the other \"dear, do you think we should tell him he's adopted?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Military\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. \"But officer.\" the man began, \"I can explain,\". \"Just be quiet,\" snapped the officer. \"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back...\" \"But officer, I just wanted to say....\" \"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!\" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, \"Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.\" \"Don't count on it,\" answered the fellow in the cell. \"I'm the groom.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. \"I NEED FOOD!\" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. \"NO!\" Joe retorts. \"We promised.\" Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock. \"Just for that, I'm not going.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, \"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?\" To which he replied, \"That would be fine with me.\" Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. \"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,\" the accountant replied.Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. \"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.\"Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.\"Let me tell you a story,\" replied the Rabbi. \"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel.\"The man protested: \"What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?\"The Rabbi replied, \"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. \"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come.\"\"Great,\" says Sam, \"after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.\" As Enoch is leaving he stops, \"Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'.\"\"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em.\"Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. \"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.\"\"Damn\", Sam thinks... \"Tough crowd.\" \"Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again.\"Once again Enoch turns from the door. \"I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.\"\"Now that's not a problem\" says Sam, \"Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?\"Enoch stops in the door again and says, \"Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "These two convicts were about to be executed. The Warden says to the first one \"Do you have a last request?\"The convict says \"Yes. I'd like to hear A Christina Aguilera song one last time.\"The Warden says \"OK, I think we can arrange that.\" Then he says to the second convict \"How about you? Last request?\"The second convict says \"Yeah. Kill me first.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Military\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, \"Anyone here know how to pray?\" One man stepped forward. \"Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.\" \"Good,\" said the captain, \"you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Military\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: \"Look, it's not the same hat\" \"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table\" \"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?\" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and another. After a week the parrot said: \"OK, I give up. Where's the boat?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim \"a little bit\". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table. He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, \"I would say it was about one-tenth that hard.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, \"May I help you, my son?\"\"I dunno...\" came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. \"You got any toilet paper on your side?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Military\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, \"If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.\" \"Now,\" he concluded, \"which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, \"Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this \"pretzel\" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!\" The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, \"How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!\" The wrestler answered, \"Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. \"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. \"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he could then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral!) \"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "These are actual warnings given on various products: 1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO. 2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU. 3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE. 4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. 5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. 6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.) 7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END. 8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL? 9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. 10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. 11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. 12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. 13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. 14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. 15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, \"Honey, can you hear me?\" There was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, \"Honey, can you hear me?\" Still, there was no response. Finally he moved right behind her and said, \"Honey, can you hear me?\" She replied, \"For the third time, Yes!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The IRS Visit Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion. \"Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you're a pauper.\" His accountant told him. Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. \"Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated.\" The lawyer said. Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice. \"Let me tell you a story.\" The priest said. \"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel.\" Joseph was confused. \"What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?\" \"Simple.\" replied the priest. \"It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get the screwed.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. \"Wonderful. What part is it?\" The boy says, \"I play the part of the Jewish husband.\" The mother scowls and says, \"Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:- Oops! - Has anyone seen my watch? - That was some party last night I can't remember when I've been that drunk.- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!- Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.- Come back with that! Bad Dog!- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?- Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie- If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?- Damn, there go the lights again...- Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.- Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!- What do you mean, he's not insured?- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.- What do you mean \"You want a divorce\"!- I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.- Let's hurry, I don't want to miss \"Bay Watch\"- That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.- Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?- Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mrs.O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. \"Hello,\" said the Father, \"and how is Mrs.O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?\" She replied \"That you did Father.\" The priest asked, \"And are there any little ones yet?\" \"No, not yet Father,\" said she. \"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you.\" \"Thank you, Father.\" And away she went.A few years later they met again. \"Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan,\" said the Father, \"how are you?\" \"Oh, very well,\" said she. \"And tell me,\" he said, \"have you any little ones yet?\" \"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all.\" \"Now isn't that wonderful,\" he said \"And how is your lovely husband?\" \"Oh,\" she said, \"he's gone to Rome. To blow out the damn candle!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says \"Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.\" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says \"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.\" The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says \"I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.\" He gets it. The guy from Guiness sits down and says \"Give me a Coke.\" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask \"Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?\" and the Guiness resident replies \"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.\"Look,\" said the customer, \"I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?\"\"Sure\", said the bartender, and he did.\"Now,\" said the customer, \"I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.\"\"Certainly.\" And it was done.\"If you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket,\" said the armlessman, \"you'll find the money for the beer.\"The bartender got it.\"You've been very kind,\" said the customer. \"Just one thing more.Where is the men's room?\"\"Out the door,\" said the bartender, \"turn left, walk two blocks,and there's one in a filling station on the corner.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, \"If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail.\" So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did. ''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy. ''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge. ''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.'' ''Oh, that's nothing!\" said the second guy. \"I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.'' ''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge. ''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes. Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that \"party thing.\" Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, look and behold, he made it! The host walked over to the man and said, \"Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?\" The man replied, \"First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the bastard who pushed me in.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,\"I need to get up and get a beer\". \"Don't get up,\" said the American, \"I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you\". As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, \"That looks good, I'd really like one, too\". Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it too. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. \"Why does it have to be this way?\" he asked. \"How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes...... pissing in beers?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"School\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possiblefor her college class and the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.She was the only one who receivedan A+ and this is what she wrote:Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. \"Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95. I think I'm going to let you choose between Heaven and Hell.\" \"That sounds fair,\" Gates replied. \"May I have a look at hell first?\" And so first Saint Peter took him to Hell. \"This is hell? Wow, look at all those gorgeous women, the ones that laughed when I asked them out on dates in high school. And look at those mansions!\" exclaimed Bill. \"And see all those coders? They work 24 hours a day for free just because they really love you, Bill, and live only to please you.\" \"Shazam, this is all virtual, isn't it, Saint Peter?\" \"Yep. With no bugs, Bill.\" \"If this is hell, what can heaven be like?\" (Saint Peter makes sweeping gesture) \"Like this!\" \"People wearing robes and playing harps while they sit on clouds? What a boring cliche. I'll take Hell!\" replies, Gates. And so two weeks later, St Peter paid a little visit. \"Hey what the hell's going on? It's nearly 200 degrees and the air is terrible. There's no food or drink. Goblins jab me in the ribs constantly. I'm crawling with vermin and weak with disease. They play the Beastie Boys at all hours, for all eternity. There are NO COMPUTERS! Where are the women, the program slaves, the virtual wonders? Where is the splendid hell you promised me?\" cries Gates. \"Oh that, that was just a demo...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. \"Where the hell have you been all night?\" she demands.\"At this fantastic new bar,\" he says. \"The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!\" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.\"Is this the Golden Saloon?\" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. \"Yes it is,\" bartender answers. \"Do you have huge golden doors?\" \"Sure do.\" \"Do you have golden floors?\" \"Most certainly do.\" \"What about golden urinals?\" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, \"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"School\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk. \"So, what are you doing right now?\" asks the father. \"I am a theology scholar,\" replies the fiance. \"Do you have any plans of employment?\" \"I will study and God will provide.\" \"What about the children?\" asks the man. \"God will provide.\" \"And your house and car?\" \"Again, God will provide,\" says the fiance. After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, \"So what did you two talk about?\" The man replies, \"He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand, he thinks I'm God.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle decided to give them a real treat. \"Why don't you grab a gun, take my prized hunting dogs, and go have some fun shooting?\" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. \"How did you enjoy that?\" asked the uncle. \"It was great!\" exclaimed the nephew. \"Got any more dogs?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25-cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: \"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before -it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?\" \"Oh, good heavens, no\", the man replies, \"I work for the IRS.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: Why did Kobe Bryant buy a dictionary?A: To figure out what part of \"no\" he doesn't understand. Q: Why is Kobe Bryant so confident that he'll rebound well after this scandal?A: Because he'll be the tallest player on the prison team. Q: Why is Kobe Bryant stacking money in his backyard?A: To practice jumping bail. Q: Why has Kobe Bryant started smoking a little pot?A: To help him prepare for the Big Joint. Q: Why does Kobe wear goggles during sex?A: To keep the mace out of his eyes. Q: What do Gigli and Kobe Bryant have in common?A: Both leave people in tears feeling screwed. Q: Who's the head lawyer on Kobe's legal team?A: The one with dirt on his knees. Q: Why is Kobe Bryant so worried about jury prejudice during his trial?A: Cuz no one likes a rapist. Q: How is Kobe Bryant spending his free time this summer?A: By adding a second bedroom to the dog house. Q: Why did Kobe add the letter \"O\" to his bracelet?A: So it would stand for: \"What Would O.J. Do?\". Q: Why did Kobe buy his wife such a huge diamond?A: Because the weight of it slows down her punches. Q: What did Shaq say when he heard of Kobe's marital infidelity?A: Kobe making a pass? She must be lying. Q: What did President Bush say when he heard that Sprite might drop Kobe?A: \"Who cares, I'm a coke man myself.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, \"Ok, old fellow, time to retire.\"The old rooster says, \"You can't handle all these chickens . . look at what it did to me!\"The young rooster replies, \"Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.\"The old rooster says, \"Aw, c'mon . . .just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you.\"The young rooster says, \"Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!\"The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, \"I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop.\"The young rooster says, \"You know I'm going to beat you, old man,so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start.\"They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck \"Go!\" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!......he blows the young rooster to bits.He sadly shakes his head and says, \"Damnit, third gay rooster I bought this week!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop and said, \"Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first.\" The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, \"I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female.\" For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. \"Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well.\" The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike. For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, \"I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female.\" The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, \"I wish that the bear was gay.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, \"I hate playing with your Dad.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young woman, who was at her father's funeral, asked her mother, \"Mom, how did Dad die?\" Her mom replied, \"Heart attack.\" \"What was he doing?\" the daughter asked. Her mother said, \"Well, we were having sex.\" This infuriated the daughter, because they were both 80 years old. The daughter said, \"You guys are 80 years old! You should have expected something like this! You're way too old to be engaging in this sort of activity!\" The mom replied, \"Well, you see, years ago, we realized that at noon every day, the church bells rang. So, we decided to work along to that nice, slow rhythm so that your father wouldn't have a heart attack. It worked for years too. That poor guy... he'd still be alive today if that darned Ice Cream truck hadn't come along...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, \"since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.\" Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, \"I want to hang out with God.\" So Arthur asked God \" Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?\" God said, \"ah, yes.\" \"Well,\" said Arthur, \"professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.\" \"Hmmm, you may have some good points there,\" replied God, \"hold on.\" so God went to his celestial super computer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. \"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,\" God tells Arthur, \"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours\"." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, \"Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket. \"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?\" asked one of the three Englanders. \"Watch and you'll see,\" answers one of the Scotsmen. They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, \"Ticket, please.\" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all. \"How are you going to travel without a ticket,\" asks one perplexed Englishman. \"Watch and you'll see,\" says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, \"Ticket, please.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons.The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, \"What do you want on your back for your whipping?\"The Canadian responds, \"I will take oil!\"So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican,\"What do you want on your back?\"\"I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!\" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks:\"What will you take on your back?\"And he responds - \" I'll take the Mexican! \"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says \"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.\" Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, \"Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?\" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies \"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.\" Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, \"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.\" Again, Johnny instantly replies, \"Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine.\" By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, \"Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?\" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says \"Well, we've been lucky so far...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. \"What was that for?\" he asked. \"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,\" she replied. \"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,\" he explained. \"Oh honey, I'm sorry,\" she said. \"I should have known there was a good explanation.\" Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, \"What the hell was that for?\" She replied, \"Your horse called.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says \"Hey little girl. What are you doing?\" The little girl says \"I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!\" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. \"Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!\" the fireman says. \"Thanks mister\" says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. \"Little girl\", says the fireman, \"I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster.\" The little girl says, \"You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, \"Help, Help me!\", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, \"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps and one of the aliens addressed it. \"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.\" The gas pumps of course didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun and said impatiently, \"Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I'll fire!\" The other alien shouted to his comrade, \"No, you don't want to make him mad!\" But before he finished his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, \"What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?\" The other alien answered, \"If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a pecker he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A farmer had three very beautiful daughters. One friday they all had dates, as they do every friday. Well the very protective farmer was sitting in the living room watching television that friday when the doorbell rang. He opened the door to see a man which was clearly one of the girls dates. Well the man says \"My name's Sam and im here for Pam and we're going to go jam\". So the father okays everything and calls his daughter down. the couple leaves. Ten minutes later the doorbell rings and there is another man. He says \"My name's Freddy and im here for betty and we're going to go eat some spaghetti\". Once again the farmer okays everything and they go along on their merry way. Ten minutes later the door belll rings again and the farmer opens the door.The Farmer says you must be here for Cindy. The man at the door says \"Yes actually, my name's Chuck and were going to go-\" The farmer shot him." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, \"May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, \"I really don't think you should..\" \"Why not?\" the nun asked. \"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf.\" \"Nonsense,\" said the nun, \"I'll just look the other way.\" So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, \"Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?\" \"Well, now they know you're one of us,\" said the bartender, \"Would you like a drink?\" \"But, I still don't understand,\" said the puzzled nun. \"You see,\" laughed the bartender, \"every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man walks along a lonely beach. suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN !Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE !So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 !He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26.The deep voice says: Damn." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Love & Romance\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "God called down to Adam, \"My child, I have noticed you are lonely down there, so I want you to meet someone. Come and see, I call her woman, her name is Eve...\"Adam came to see her, he then returned to speak with God, hardly able to contain his excitement,\"Oh, father, she is so beautiful, her shining blonde hair, and those gorgeous eyes! Why did you make her so beautiful?\"God answered, \"So that you would love her my son. But check out the smell of that shining blonde hair....\"Adam leaves and later returns to speak with God, \"Oh my Lord, she smells like the flowers in the garden of Eden in the sunshine just after the rain. Why did you make her smell so good God?\" he answered....and again God answered him,.\"So that you would love her my son....she will keep you company when you feel like you need a friend. Go forth and enjoy her my son, see how much fun you can have together\"Hours later, Adam returns, completely shagged out,\"Father, she has many great qualities, the sex was great,she can please me greatly physically, I enjoyed that immensely, but Father, why is she so dumb?\" to which God replied, \"So that she would love you my son\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, \"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.\"\"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.\"\"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,\"How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!\"and hangs up. Her husband rolls over and asks,\"Sweetheart, who was that?\" \"I don't know,some idiot asking if the coast is clear.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.The results showed a reading of 0.0.The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, \"Tonight I'm the designated decoy.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three men were lost in the forest and later captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get 10 pieces of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather some. The first man came back and said to the king, \"I brought ten apples.\" The king then explained the second step of the trial to him. First, he had to shove the fruits up his butt without any expression on his face, or he would be eaten. The first apple went in, but when he tried the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. The second man arrived and showed the king that his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to the second man, he secretly thought to it would be easy to shove the berries up his butt. On the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, so he was also was killed and went to heaven. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, \"Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!\" The second one replied, \"I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden the third guy showed up with all those watermelons!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed, \"Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?\" \"Nothing,\" sighed the little guy despondently. \"You see, today has been the worst day of my life. This morning I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was furious and so he sacked me. I cleared my desk, went to my car, only to discover that it wasn't there - somebody had stolen it. So I got a taxi home, but when it came to paying the driver I realised I'd forgotten my wallet. I then went into my house and I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about ending it all, you came along and drank my poison...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seenmany books on the subject, and finally, aftergetting all the necessary \"tools\" together, she made for the nearest frozen body of water.After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, \"THEREARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!\" Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,poured a Thermos of cappuccino. And began to cutyet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, \"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!\" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down tothe opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. \"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!\" She stopped, looked skyward,and said, \"Is that you, Lord?\" The voice replied, \"No...this is the manager of the hockey rink...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the stillshaking driver said, \"I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.\" The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn'trealize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, \"No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, \"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.\" \"Odd,\" her companion replies, \"but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.\" Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. \"Two dogs, please,\" she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their \"dogs.\" The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, \"What part did you get?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, \"That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.\" After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, \"That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you.\" Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, \"Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident and as Jeff arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. \"Where's my friend Mike?\"...Jeff asks the old Saint. St. Peter replies...\"Mike wasn't as fortunate as you, instead of Heaven, he went in the other direction.\" Jeff was deeply concerned by this and asks... \"well could I see Mike just one more time?\" St. Peter agreed to this, so they walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. Jeff notices Mike with a sexy blonde on one side of him and a keg of beer on the other. \"I really don't mean to complain\"...Jeff says... \"but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down in Hell.\" \"Look a little closer\"...says St. Peter...\"for that keg has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't.\"" } ]