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Write a joke about the following category | Men | This couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"The husband looked over and nodded."Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Abruptly, the girl stopped the boy dead in his tracks. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the boy sat in the driver's seat, staring out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on." On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man asked. "Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely... The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Medical | Stanley, an 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better," he replies. "I've got a twenty-two- year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle... *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver." "EXACTLY!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed."Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied."I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says."Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!""I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated."NO! Get away from me!""TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!""FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money...."Well, OK...but only for a minute."She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars? |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March." one for March." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. " Hi, is Tony home?" " No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" " No, come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. " Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman. She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband says "But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because they're out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the color doesn't suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you anymore. Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?' |
Write a joke about the following category | Food Jokes | A man was asked to dinner by one of his friends, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them." He felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside, put them on the ground, and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water! Come here boys!!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the mom. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told mom, I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too. The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. "For Christsakes, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Bob and Jane were married 25 years. When they first got married Bob said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 25 years of marriage Jane never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1371.75 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Jane could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?" Bob thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Jane was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Jane asked Bob, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bob answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in." |
Write a joke about the following category | Crazy Jokes | Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve's wife gave it to me." "That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her,'You must be Steve's widow.'" She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!" "What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love." "Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION10 MILESHe thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION5 MILESSuddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:SISTERS OF ST, FRANCISHOUSE OF PROSTITUTIONNEXT RIGHTHis curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCISHe climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:GO IN PEACEYOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWEDBY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil. Devil: Why so glum, chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Devil: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie - you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow. That's awesome. Devil: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do. Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. Devil: You into drugs? Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't mean.... Devil: That's right Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's alright - you're dead, who cares? O.D.!! Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place. Devil: You gay? Guy: No.... Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), You're gonna hate Fridays . . . |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come". |
Write a joke about the following category | Bar Jokes | A Man comes back home at 3am, drunk as a skunk. He hears the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooes nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight. He is very proud of himself.The next day, his wife asks what time he got home, and he replies, "Midnight, just like I said." She says that was good, but that theyneed a new cuckoo clock. When the man asks why, she answers: "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed threetimes, said 'Damn!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two moretimes and then started giggling." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The vicar put the £100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?" The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Aviation | A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop." The biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide, "The drums have stopped - what happens now?" The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said: "Bass Solo" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death." |
Write a joke about the following category | Aviation | A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago." He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?" She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average." "Very interesting," the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name." The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto... Tonto Goldstein." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | In a Poor town in the middle of nowhere and no women, A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?". The bartender replies, "It's not that bad, sir, when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. It never sounds appeasing at first, but after one try you're hooked."So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel.At that, he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole.After about 5 minutes he ventures back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?".To which the bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel". |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?""You'll know tonight." he said.That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams". |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A Farmer walks into the local bar and sits down at the bar. The Farmer mumbles, "Some things I just can't explain." The bartender, who knows the Farmer as Jim, asks, "What do you mean Jim?"."Well, you know my old cow Betsy? I was milking her this morning and out of the blue she knocks the pail of milk over with her right back leg. So I picked up a piece of rope laying nearby and cut me off a piece. I tied her leg to the post nearby, but some things I just can't explain," Jim said. "Jim, What do you mean by that," the Bartender asks. "Well, I commenced to milking her again and when the pail got half full she kick it over with her left back leg. So I took the left over piece of rope and tied her other leg to another post, but some things I just can't explain," Jim added. "Jim, tell me what it is you can't explain and I'll see if I can help," the Bartender said."Well, after that I went back to milking her and again I got the pail half full and I'll be darned if she didn't knock the pail over with her tail. Since I didn't have any more rope left I took off my belt and tied one end to her tail. Then I stood up on my stool and reached up to hook the buckle on a nail just above. About that time my pants fell to my ankles and my wife walks into the barn. That's what I can't explain." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulatingenough frequent flyer miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talkingabout all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if theyhave laptop computers, how they make money, etc.Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys doit?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for thenight and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to abedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie memberabout half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick."I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen."Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?""Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!""No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quiteimpressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still prettynarrow....""No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, hismember grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremelyexciting to the woman."Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go theirseparate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?""I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How aboutyou?""It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She keptslapping my forehead and pulling my ears." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter. The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"The old man says, "I can't remember where I live." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a mancomes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him."No", he said, "the seat is empty"."This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind wouldhave a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in theworld, and not use it ?"Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. Iwas supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is thefirst Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967.""Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someoneelse - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | This little boy woke up three nights in a row because he kept hearing thumping noises coming from his parent's room. He finally approached his mom and said, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in, you're bouncing up and down on him."His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh...well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."The boy says, "That won't work." His mom asks, "Why?" The boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.""Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?""No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral." |
Write a joke about the following category | Medical | A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A famous sexologist was giving a lecture in front of a big crowd."There are 4 kinds of men when it comes to sex. The first kind does it every day. You can usually recognize him by his masculine body and the constant smile on his face. Do we have anyone like this in the audience?"A man got up from the audience and he fitted the description: Big firm body with a smile on his face."Then there is the second kind. They have sex once a week. They also have a generally happy mood, and look pretty good, but of course not as good as the first kind. Is there any one of them here tonight?".A second man got up, and he too fitted the description. "The third kind do it once a month. They are chubby and usually grumpy. Anyone of them here?".The man that raised from his chair looked exactly like the expert claimed. "And then there is the 4th kind. They do it once a year. They usually have a big belly, but the thing that is most tipical is that they are in a constant state of depression. I know it would be hard for him to admit, but if there is one of those in the audience, please rise".A fat and short man stood up, but in contrary to the experts prediction, he looked very cheerful. "You do it only once a year?", the expert asked."Yes, only once a year"."So why are you so happy?", demanded the expert. "Well", said the man, cheeringly, "Tonight is the night!"... |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Two women where at a pub, having a fun night out, away from their husbands. When they got out and started walking back home, they suddenly had a strong urge to pee. They decided to do it in the cemetery, where they figured no one will notice them. Once they were done, they remembered they didn't bring toilet papers. The first one took her panties off, used it like paper and threw it away. The second used some flowers from one of the tombs. The day after, one of the husbands called the other and said, angrily: "Looks like our wifes had quite a good time yesterday. Mine came home without her panties!". The other one answered, even more angry: "That's nothing. Mine came back with a small note sticked to here ass, saying 'we will never forget you. love, from all the guys"... |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there. So he walks up to the car, and there's a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book. The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book and I'm 20." Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how oldshe is. The boy replies, "She's knitting and she'll be 18 in about five minutes." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates". Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carols." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | After a long night buying a foxy women drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the women asked Joe in for a nightcap... One thing led to another ....After making love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer.", she said. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded Joe bewildered. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation." |
Write a joke about the following category | Military | There was an Englishman,Scottishman and an Irishman swimming in the sea one day when suddenly they were captured by pirates. The captain said to them "You're getting locked up in dungeons for 50 years, but I'll give you something to go in with. The Englishman says he wants to go in with booze, so he goes in with his booze.The Scotsman says he wants some women so he goes in with his women. Finally, the Irishman wants to go in with cigarettes, so he goes in with his cigarettes. Then 50 years later the Englishman comes out of his dungeon drunk, the Scotsman comes out with his women and kids and the Irishman comes out and says 'Got a light'? |
Write a joke about the following category | Medical | Al Gore and George W. Bush found themselves in the same barbershop at the same time, seated side by side, getting the works. Their barbers finished shaving the two presidential candidates right about the same time and each barber reached for some after shave to slap on their customers' faces. Bush shouted, "Hey, don't put that $#!& on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse." Gore said calmly to his barber, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like." |
Write a joke about the following category | Medical | A man comes to the doctor and says: "Doc, no matter what i do in bed i can't satisfy my wife".So the doctor sends him to the old train-station, where he is to find a very well-built guy that can help him.And so, the man goes there, finds the big guy and asks him for help.The guy says: "No problem, sir. You see this banana-skin? Invite me to your house while you are having sex, and i will wave it at you and your wife during the whole time. I promise you that she will reach satisfaction in no time".So, they head off to the man's house. When the woman opens the door, he asks her to go to bed, cause they are going to have some great sex. And so they begin, and the big man is waving the banana-skin. After 30 minutes, still the wife doesn't reach satisfaction."Give it to me, i will wave and you will have the sex", says the man angrily.Ans so, he starts waving, and the big guy is having sex with the wife. After exactly two mintues, she reaches her peack."You see, you Idiot", says the man to the big-guy with rage, "this is how you are supposed to wave a banana!". |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy. After a short while he asked her what she was. "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," said the young woman. A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. "What's wrong with you?" she asked him. "Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices - I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison." Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember. So?" "I would have gotten out today." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once." "And how did she look?" "Oh boy, she looked very angry!" At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?" "She was watching us through the window." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Clark works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Jessica, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Clark, how ya doing?" Jessica is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Clark. "He works out at the gym with me." When they are seated, a waitress asks Clark if he'd like his usual Budweiser. Jessica is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Clark. "Hi Clarky," she says, "want your usual table dance?" Jessica, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Clark follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Jessica can slam the door, Clark jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real cranky one tonight, Clark." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | "Mr. johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." |
Write a joke about the following category | Crazy Jokes | A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Why men can't win...If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!" The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down. As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?" The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me." The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a wild party." The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes." The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice" (muscle pain relief). The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your crotch. The skin is way too sensitive." The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm." Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?" Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion." Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? " "The girls never showed up!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" "No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away." |
Write a joke about the following category | Science | German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits already had a nationwide fibre optic network. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews had cellular telephones. |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his private parts into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my privates into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.""You're a brave man," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."The husband turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?" "How much for a season pass?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | This guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says, "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your bra." He laughs and laughs. The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her butt and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using your girdle." Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge. The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his privates and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't need to keep sleeping with your brother." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your butt and it won't hurt as much." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him."Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outtastyle. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - abouttwo sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tightSpeedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before. Everybodyon the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turningaway, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?""JAHEESUS!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing is wrong' and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?"The rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?"The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry....You've had two warnings!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | "Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.""That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, "I'm lonely I'm tired of eating apples by myself." "Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you." Eve said, "A man! What's that?" "He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed." "Sounds great!" said Eve. "Oh, and one more thing," God said. "He will want to believe that I made HIM first." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds; then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite." |
Write a joke about the following category | Police Jokes | A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away. Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please." Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man." Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!" Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!" The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders. Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt; didn't it?" He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man... |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | One day there was this Teacher who after missing a few days of school because of snow on friday decided to tell her students that there was going to be a test monday no matter what. So the the class clown in class raises his had asks, "Well what if I have some great sexaul expeirences this weekend and I come in on monday and I am just too tired to take that test?" Then the teacher responds with, "Well I guess you will have to use your left hand to write then." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him. "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!" The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus. |
Write a joke about the following category | Aviation | Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance." Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars." |
Write a joke about the following category | Crazy Jokes | A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle. "It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time."He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?"At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of vodka. The bartender asks the man, "Have a rough day?" The man replies, "Yeah, I found out my younger brother was gay!" The bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful." The man downs the shots and leaves. The very next day the same man comes back into the bar and orders six more shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, "What's wrong today?" The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay." Bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible." The man downs his shots and leaves. The man returns again on the third day and again orders six shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, "Another rough day?" The man says, "Yeah." The bartender asks the man, "Does anyone in your family like women??" The man says, "Yeah, my wife." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | These two guys meet after not having seen each otherfor many many years. The first guy asks the second guy,"How have things been going?" The second guy speakingvery slowly tells the first guy, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d." The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutterany more." The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r..a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..fI s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..ln..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r." The first friend congratulates him and then asks againabout how he was almost married. "W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..dI w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..rp..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..ss..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..ka..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..nw..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..nd..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..et..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..yf..a..c..e.." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?"asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..ks..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..et..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..gh..i..s b..a..l..l..s" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." The old man says "What you gonna do with that?" The boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." The old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. The old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." The old man says "What you gonna do with that?" The boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. The old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" The boy says "It's a pussy willow." The old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat". |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | John walks up to the bar tender and bets him $200.00 that he can take off his ear and place it on the bar.. The bartender thinks to himself, "I know this isn't possible" "OK I will bet you the 200.00 dollars!" the bartendar told John John took off his ear and placed it on the bar....and then said to the bartender, "You owe me 200.00!!! The next day John came to the bar again. He had a new bet for the bartender!! "I bet you 2,000 dollars that I can pee in this shoot glass and get every drop in? The bartender thought to himself again," No way can he do this!" "OK I'll bet you!" said the bartender. He starts peeing all over the bar, the tables, the chairs, everywhere. "HA HA I got ya...you owe me 2,000 dollars!!!!" said the bartender. John said, "Here's your 2,000....it's ok cause you see that table over there? I bet them 6,000 dollars that i could pee on your bar without you getting mad!!!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00." "That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then pointing to an 85 year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."The man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. Oneday Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we hadsome sex so you oughta let me screw you."Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!"Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who screws, who first.So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won.Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?"Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing." Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed,Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | There was this guy named John that went to heaven. He looked around and saw millions of clocks, some were slow and some were fast. He went to God to ask a question. ''What's the deal with all these clocks?'' John asked. ''Well,'' said God, ''these clocks tell how much a person masturbates.'' ''Well, where's my clock?'' asked John. ''It's in the office,'' replied God. ''We use it as a fan.'' |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Boudreaux went to the store and bought him a pair of patent leather shoes. After seeing how mirror looking they were, he decided to go to the dance. He asked one lady to dance. He then tells her, "You are wearing red panties." She asks how does he know? He looks down at his patent leather shoes. He then asks another lady to dance. He says, "You are wearing blue panties." She asks how does he know this? He then looks down at his patent leather shoes. He then asks Clotilde to dance. He looks at his patent leather shoes about five times. He asks Clotilde if she is wearing any panties.. She replies, "No" He says, "Thank God, I thought my patent leather shoes were cracked." |
Write a joke about the following category | Food Jokes | The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by a tax agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense - we deliver!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made. The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''. |
Write a joke about the following category | Crazy Jokes | Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it. "Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine." Ole replied, "Yup, and they're boat for sale." |
Write a joke about the following category | Food Jokes | "May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die." |
Write a joke about the following category | Miscellaneous | On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty, with majestic mountains, beautiful pristine lakes bountiful with carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and scenic rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so the inhabitants prosper, and they shall be called Canadians, and they shall be known as the friendliest people on the earth." "But Lord", said Gabriel, "surely you are being too generous to these Canadians?" "Not really", replied God. "Just wait and see the neighbors I'm going to give them." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there."Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00...""Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'."Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild sex, too.""Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us." |
Write a joke about the following category | Food Jokes | A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers." The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee. "This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed. |
Write a joke about the following category | Science | A man ducked into confession with a turkey in his arms. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you please take it and settle my guilty conscience?" "Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it." "I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?" "If what you say is true," the Priest said, "then it is all right for you to keep it for your family." "Oh thank-you, Father," the man said, and hurried off. When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked in, the housekeeper came rushing up to him. "Father, it's terrible!" she cried. "What has happened?" asked the Priest. The housekeeper replied, "Someone has stolen the turkey right out of your refrigerator!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Sex | A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh." "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest member the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.""From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way." "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night." The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love. After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!""What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks. "Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!" |
Write a joke about the following category | Medical | An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinationthe same day so they could travel together. After the examination, thedoctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do youhave any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?""In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife thefirst time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sexwith my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.""This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do someresearch and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, thedoctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medicalconcerns that you would like to discuss with me?"The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctorthan asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that heis usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you andcold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?""Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time isusually in July and the second time is usually in December." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first teeandthe fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is sosuccessful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it tohim!" The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns amulti-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of hisfriends a new Mercedes, fully loaded." The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is astockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entireportfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of takingcare of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about oursons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gaybar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totallythrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His lastthree boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stockportfolio." |
Write a joke about the following category | Men | Two men were sitting in a bar.One man turned to the other and said,"I slept with your mother!"The other man ignored him.A few moments later the man said, more forcefully this time, "I slept with your mother!!"The other turned to him and replied,"Go home Dad, you've had too much to drink." |