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I'm a teenage gay girl, and I'm in love with a girl a few years older than me. She loves me too, but we're not physically together at the moment. I've been thinking about being transgender soon too, but my family doesn't accept me, so I honestly don't know what to do about that because I feel like I have to constantly hide the real me. It hurts so much to hide the real me. What can I do? | What can I do when my family doesn't accept my sexuality? | Sending you healing vibes as you endure their being unaccepting. I wanted to share this video about coming out Coming OutI know it is hard when those we love do not accept us as we are. One thing to ask, is this something that you need their approval around? Owning who you are regardless of what others say sometimes helps. This may not be a part of your life you can share with them. We all have areas we have strong beliefs. Ideally, they would accept you no matter what but that does not seem to be the case. Deciding if this is a deal-breaker, or can you work around it, not sharing this part of your life, and understanding we cannot force people to embrace what they do not want to embrace. You get to live your life as you see fit and be happy. You deserve joy and to live authentically! If you are confident in your choice, choose your choice, own that, and set boundaries around it. You do not have to live your life for others. Loving yourself and being convicted in your choice regardless of others will be beneficial. Many in your situation have created a soul family of people who accept and love them or who they are, and you deserve that community. Stay Safe, and always do what would keep you safe, and with the necessities you need. |
I'm a teenage gay girl, and I'm in love with a girl a few years older than me. She loves me too, but we're not physically together at the moment. I've been thinking about being transgender soon too, but my family doesn't accept me, so I honestly don't know what to do about that because I feel like I have to constantly hide the real me. It hurts so much to hide the real me. What can I do? | What can I do when my family doesn't accept my sexuality? | Many people do not accept the reality of gender beyond male and female.Obviously if your family doesn't accept your questioning status then this feels painful.All you really can do is continue your self-examination and know you're in a non-supportive family of doing so.To know the truth about your surroundings is much better than to not know, and also much better than pretending you are not in your current phase of gender expression questioning. |
I'm a teenage gay girl, and I'm in love with a girl a few years older than me. She loves me too, but we're not physically together at the moment. I've been thinking about being transgender soon too, but my family doesn't accept me, so I honestly don't know what to do about that because I feel like I have to constantly hide the real me. It hurts so much to hide the real me. What can I do? | What can I do when my family doesn't accept my sexuality? | They would probably be helpful to speak with a local mental health professional about this, not because there's anything wrong with the real you, but because having these conversations can be difficult and you may choose to talk about your real self in different ways with different people.Maybe you could talk about your concerns with your significant other and discuss different ways you may be able to discuss your relationship that fit with how each of you defines your love for one another.Because you are saying openly that you are gay, and it sounds like you already identify yourself as gay, as compared to considering being transgender "soon," it may be worth considering disclosing the fact that you are gay now and disclosing the idea that you are transgender after you have worked through that yourself. I would like for you to be able to be true to yourself and show the real you. It could also be that you already know that you are transgender, but with the way that you phrased it here, I'm not certain.Here is a link to a hotline that you may want to consider using. The Trevor Project is about helping teenagers who identify as LGBTQ:http://www.thetrevorproject.org/Here is another national site where you may be able to find a local chapter:https://www.pflag.org/I don't know what you mean when you said that your family will not accept you, but since you are concerned about your family's reaction, I would suggest that it may be helpful to have a therapist or some other support in place before telling your family. The decision of whether or not to wait longer to tell them is ultimately yours, but I wonder if you have a likelihood of explaining what you are experiencing in a way that would be truer to you and also perhaps easier for your family to follow if you had time to process it with supportive people first.Please remember that you are not alone in this. There are people in the world who can and will accept you for who you are. |
She constantly tells me what I am doing wrong. For once, I want her to be proud of me. Its like no matter what I do, she does not have one nice word to say to me. She is always hateful towards me and always has been. | Why can't my mom ever be proud of me? | The sum total of your value and worth does not get to be decided or measured by how your mother feels about you. Ideally, she would be supportive but that does not seem to be the case. Providing yourself with love, acceptance, validation, and knowing your worth and that you are valid despite her. She could have her own demons she is fighting and projecting (taking them out on) you.Typically whatever people throw at us is more of a reflection of them verses about us. When she says something that hurts you, rewrite it in your mind, and for your own sake mentally proves her wrong. I hope you can detach from the negative words she projects to you and see the great person you are at your very core, by your very existence.These two videos could be of great support.Help! My Parents are my BIGGEST TRIGGER!Self-Esteem & Worthiness Affirmations - Remember Your Worth and Value |
She constantly tells me what I am doing wrong. For once, I want her to be proud of me. Its like no matter what I do, she does not have one nice word to say to me. She is always hateful towards me and always has been. | Why can't my mom ever be proud of me? | I'm sad and heartbroken on your behalf.I'm very sorry your mom has such negative views on you.Please know that there must be some reason in her personal history or relationship life which drives her to criticize you so strongly.The natural dynamic is for a mother to love and nurture her child.Unless at some earlier point in your relationship with her, you caused some massive harm to her which would justify her indirect dislike for you, then the best way for you is to find supportive and loving other people who will to some degree make up for the harshness you hear from her.Also, read online about others who have similar situations because there may be good guidance on keeping yourself emotionally safe from how she treats you. |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | It is understandable that it's very hard for you to hear daily complaints from your mother regarding the caregiving of your niece. You cannot change your mother's feelings and responsibilities, which could create feelings of frustration and helplessness. It must be equally hard for your mother to assume full responsibility for your niece at a time where your sister cannot take care of her. This type of responsibility usually produces an enormous amount of stress and pressure because your mother and niece would both need to adapt to this new relationship, living situation, and the feeling of being "abandoned."Not knowing the history of your relationship with your mother and how you respond to each other in times of need, it may be difficult to fight the right recommendation on how to deal with this situation. Nonetheless, it is not easy to have to face daily complaints and you may have to set a healthy balance between empathy and boundary setting with your mother and some personal boundaries for yourself.It is likely that your mother's "complaints" may be her desperate cry for help because she does not know how to cope with stress or how to ask for the right kind of support. In this case, you could calmly and respectfully tell her the next time you hear her complain, "This must be very difficult for you because I hear the stress in your voice almost everyday. It's very hard for me to hear you feeling so overwhelmed. I feel helpless in this situation and would like to suggest that it might be helpful for you to seek some professional help and support to deal with such a big matter of importance." When empathy and understanding is communicated, recipients are usually more open because they hear and feel the caring behind it and are more likely to seek additional help.After sharing this message of empathy and encouragement to seek help, the next step is to protect yourself by explaining to your mother where your limits are so that she understands what she can expect from you. This means that you can decide the kind of support or help you are willing to give your mother and/or niece that is within your ability to provide without feeling overwhelmed. This could involve inviting them to dinner occasionally, taking them out to see a movie or inviting your niece over to give your mother respite. You could then say to her if she complains again, "I cannot change the way you feel in this situation and I encourage you to seek professional advice about that but what I could do is .........(explain what you could do to help)."www.PsychologyResource.ca |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | Then one day when life between you and mom feels calm, tell your mom that you aren't able to listen to her complaints about your sister.The truth exists whether or not it is acknowledged. Bu acknowledging what feels real and necessary in your life, you are helping your mom see what she may not like to see and what nevertheless is right in front of her.There is no good reason or good to come of hiding your own truth about not wishing to continue listening to your mom complain. |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | This sounds stressful.You mentioned that you want to learn how to avoid them. I'm not sure whether you want to avoid them overall or if you would like to ask your mom to maybe only talk to you about it for a few minutes about your niece in each conversation that you have.Maybe you can connect your mom with some support. It sounds as if she has lost part of herself and/or is very stressed out and in talking with you about it because she trusts you enough for you to be someone she can speak openly, you are becoming stressed because of things that you cannot directly change. This is the presumptive based on the amount of information that you posted, but it sounds like there is a bit of a circle of stress here.I also wonder who you could talk with when you are stressed.It may be helpful to see a local mental health professional to help redefine some boundaries so you can have the type of relationship with your mother that you want without necessarily feeling stressed out by it every day. |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | This sounds very stressful. Setting boundaries is important to maintaining a peace of mind. If you have not communicated your feelings to your family member, that would be a good first step. Communicate with the intent of simply expressing your feelings and your expectations going forward. Do not blame or shame because that will blur your intent. Going forward, consistently stick to your new boundaries. That may mean not picking up your phone for each call. Soon enough the message will be clear. Good luck. |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | Both you and your mom are in a tough spot. She has returned to parenting after she thought she had raised her kids, and while I am sure you'd like to be supportive, you recognize that listening to her complaints really does not help her and drains you. In addition to that, it sounds like Mom's complaining has become "the" conversation she has with you, leaving other, more fulfilling conversations out of your relationship.Think about what you want instead with your mom. More time with just her? A chance to offer true help,not just listen to complaints? When you have some idea of what you want, tell her. You can do this kindly and respectfully, with a concern for both her and your relationship with her. It might go something like this..."Mom, you really have your hands full. Sis dumped your grandbaby on you and I bet this isn't how you imagined grandparenting would look. It's got to be hard and I am not sure how I can be helpful. Beyond that, I really miss talking to you about other things. So, Mom, is there something I can do that would be helpful? If not, let's talk about something else".In addition to that, if your mom is open to other resources, help her find them - she needs some emotional support from a non-family member.Good luck to you both - and to your niece. It is a hard situation for you all. |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | It is difficult to implement healthy boundaries when the person is a parent or family member. I would encourage you to identify how it makes you feel after talking with your mother. Work on establishing healthy boundaries where you do not feel obligated to engage the complaining daily. Maybe setting a time limit to talk with your mother and practicing how to be assertive and not disrespect or aggressive. Helping your mother understand how you feel using "I" statements i.e ( I feel _____ when you call to talk about my sister). Maybe asking your mom how can you be supportive of her during this time other than listening to her vent. It may also be helpful for your mother to get connected with support groups to help her cope with this life change. |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | Buy the book "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin." Read it. Apply it.Seriously, I'm not joking. You're not wrong to "not want to hear it anymore" but if you don't maintain healthy boundaries, you will allow your family to make you feel guilty for "not wanting to hear it anymore". That's not fair to you.Give a copy to your mom, too. No, I didn't write the book nor do I have any affiliation with it - I simply recommend it because it's a wonderful book and it helped me out a lot. I recommend it to a lot of people. It should be required reading! |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | This sounds like a possible boundary issue. Boundaries are important in relationships. They are invisible lines that we will or will not cross. It is up to us to create and hold them. We have the ability to rethink them and change them as needed. It sounds like you have thought it through and would like to makes changes in the relationship between your mother and you. In the main question, you want to avoid the family member, however in the following comment, it sounds like you may just want the avoid that conversation, not so much your mother.Once we review the issue and decide what we need (create the boundary), I suggest opening talking with the person when everyone is calm (not in the middle of a stressful moment when we often are unable to focus and hear the other person). Always understanding that we had time to think about this issue and the other person has not (catching them off guard). State clearly your need. Such as "I am not comfortable with hearing about my sister. It stresses me out. I would appreciate it if you would not bring it up anymore. If you do, I will not respond and I will change the subject " It is important to use "I" statements. I feel" this way". I will "do this". We only have power over our actions. Also when we use "you " comments, the other person can become defensive and unable to hear what we are saying.Once we let ourselves know what we need, then let the other people know our new boundary, then it is up to us to follow through. We will make mistakes. Not follow through every time with our boundary. That is okay. Start again. It gets easier with practice. It is also appropriate to reconsider and change your boundary as needed. Just let the others know when you need to change it. Remember, they can not read our minds.I wish you much strength and hope the best for you and your family.www.parishhealthandwellness.com |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | Set firm boundaries. Either you can say she can complain for X number of minutes and no more, you change the subject or let her go to voicemail, she can leave as many as she wants and you dont have to listen, you can delete them. The boundary could be that you do not hear her complaining at all. Boundaries are hard to set harder to enforce but worth the effort of setting them and sticking by them! This video on Boundaries could be beneficial. |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | It sounds as though there is a need to establish some healthy boundaries with your mother. Simply put, a boundary is a line or space between you and another person. It is also a way of defining what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable. When working with clients, I teach them that there are 4 Rules to Setting Healthy Boundaries. First, the boundary must be clear and definable. Think of a boundary like lines on a football field. The other person needs to know when they are "in bounds" or if they have stepped "out of bounds." Second, the other person must be told about the boundary. It's not fair for me to enforce a consequence if I've never told you about the boundary. Third, there must be a consequence for violating the boundary. This is often the place where people struggle. It's important to identify a consequence that is appropriate and proportionate to the violation. Finally, the fourth (and most important) rule is "If you are not willing to follow rule #3, don't bother with any of this. The reason the fourth rule is so important is that if someone violates my boundary and I refuse to enforce the consequence, I've basically told them that my boundaries mean nothing.You are well within your rights to establish a boundary with your mother. You are not her therapist. Remember to communicate your boundary to her in a way that is clear and unambiguous. Also, make sure that you enforce the consequence in the event that she doesn't adhere to your boundaries. |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | Heard of Voice Mail? Or Blocking a Number. Email. Stay busy ... be kind but text instead,,, |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | Learning how to set healthy boundaries can be life changing! Assertiveness training will help you in all facets of your life. A therapist can help you figure out how much interaction is too much, how to say no and set healthy boundaries, and how to prioritize your needs so you don't become resentful or burned out. |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | An easy answer would be to not pick up the phone. But it's your mom! How can you not pick up the phone? So, have you tried telling your mom that this is not something you are willing to contain for her? Have you talked to her about how hearing about it makes you feel? Do you feel safe enough with your words to disclose that to your mom? Try being honest about how much this situation has taken away from the family system and how it's impacted the family system. It sounds like your mom is looking for an ally, and it sounds like you are not emotionally available to hold that anymore. Find someone to dump what your mom is dumping on you, plus your own stuff. We Therapists are really good containers, let us hold it for you. Hopefully this helps! |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | Creating healthy boundaries is very helpful but also very difficult at times. Especially, when were setting boundaries with family members. A good way to start is to hear your mother and validate her concerns. Let her know that you hear her complaints and can see why some of her concerns may be upsetting. By first validating gives her the opportunity to feel understood. Its also could potentially help with setting boundaries. Communicate how you feel respectfully yet firmly. This will let her know that you respect her feelings and points of view. However, would prefer not to be in the middle of whats sounds like a tough situation. |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | It can really be difficult to listen to someone constantly complain and it can take a lot of emotional energy to be the listening ear to someone struggling. Perhaps having a conversation with your mother about making the communication more productive in nature. It seems like your mother is obviously having some difficulties and she is stuck, therefore making you stuck listening to complaints on repeat. Explain to her the impact it has on you to listen to the complaining and not working towards changing things or coming to a level of acceptance or even making the conversation mutual, such as her being there for you. This may or may not help her to come around, but at least it can open up the conversation and be an effort towards initiating a change. |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | These are common challenges that involve setting healthy boundaries with family, as well as friends and co-workers. Therapy can help you to define, establish and enforce boundaries between self and others by being assertive. This involves determining what things make you uncomfortable and how to communicate that with assertive, not passive, not aggressive, actions and language. |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | It is important to set boundaries with those that stress you out. I encourage people to validate the other persons feelings by saying "I am sorry you are going through this." Then, to set the boundary bye stating what you need from them or what you are trying to do with your life to destress and that you can't be a listening ear right now. This will need to be a repeated conversation, but over time you will notice less stress. |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | Sounds like it is time to set some boundaries with your mom. You can do this by letting her know that you understand how she is feeling and you understand that she is under a tremendous amount of stress. Validate her feelings and words. After you do that, tell her how hearing about it daily is affecting you let. Let her know that it is hard for you to hear how stressed she is, how hard it is you to have these daily calls. Let her know that you are feeling stressed about her own well being. You can then suggest that she find a therapist to speak to about how she is feeling and what she is going through. I suggest writing out what you want to say, before you say it. Practice saying it a few times so that it flows naturally when you do have the conversation with her.Also, when you start setting boundaries with people they don't usually like it. They give some sort of push back either by expressing disappointment or anger towards you. This has nothing to do with you. This is them having a hard time hearing and accepting the boundary you are setting. The other thing people tend to do when you set a boundary is to test it. In this situation it might look like your mom calling you the next day as if the two of you never had the conversation. In this situation it falls on you to set the boundary again, by having the same conversation again with her. Over time she will accept the boundary and she will be OK with it. |
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore. | How can I avoid family members who stress me out? | I just want to understand before I answer. Who exactly is complaining? |
After I told them, they yelled at me. | What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual? | Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry that this was your experience with your family. I truly wish Icould give you some things to say to them that would change their reaction, but unfortunately I can't do that. Their acceptance of youis a journey, just like coming out is a journey for you. Sometimes families initially respond this way, but after time they become more accepting and even supportive. Unfortunately, there is no way to know for sure if that will happen. So, here are a few things I would suggest:Surround yourself with people and things that remind you that you really are okay as you are. That won't take the place of your family's acceptance, and I won't even pretend that it would, but it may help during those days when it hurts the most. And that is really important. Patience is not something that many of us are really good at, but this type of situation sometimes forces you to have some. When families first learn something like this, they may go through a period of shock. And then sometimes even grieving. They may even be worried if they are of a particular religion where being bisexual is forbidden. These things can take time for them to reconcile, so it may just take some patience. If it is safe for you, try to talk to them, but if it becomes painful or hurtful then you have the right to walk away. I do recommend setting upsome personal boundaries for yourself, and perhaps learn some assertiveness skills if you feel you struggle with them. The reason I feel that this is important is that people sometimes take a lot of abuse from family members and friends in times like you're describing. They may want to be accepted so much that they put themselves in hurtful positions over and over again hoping that their families will come around. They may, or they may not. And if they don't, you deserve to live a life free of abuse and to feel confident and assured of who you are. To be surrounded by folks who remind you of that.If you startseeing this pattern and you are struggling, chatting withcounselor may be a great idea. I am bias probably, but I think chatting with a counselor is ALWAYS a good idea. :)Hope this helps. Be well. Be you. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC |
After I told them, they yelled at me. | What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual? | Sending you healing vibes as you endure their being unaccepting. I wanted to share this video about coming out Coming OutI know it is hard when those we love do not accept us as we are. One thing to ask, is this something that you need their approval around? Owning who you are regardless of what others say sometimes helps. This may not be a part of your life you can share with them. We all have areas we have strong beliefs. Ideally, they would accept you no matter what but that does not seem to be the case. Deciding if this is a deal-breaker, or can you work around it, not sharing this part of your life, and understanding we cannot force people to embrace what they do not want to embrace. You get to live your life as you see fit and be happy. You deserve joy and to live authentically! If you are confident in your choice, choose your choice, own that, and set boundaries around it. You do not have to live your life for others. Loving yourself and being convicted in your choice regardless of others will be beneficial. Many in your situation have created a soul family of people who accept and love them or who they are, and you deserve that community. Stay Safe, and always do what would keep you safe, and with the necessities you need. |
After I told them, they yelled at me. | What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual? | To be able to accept, they need to be sensitized that being bisexual isnt wrong ! After sensitization too, they might not be able to accept but your life should move on. Self-acceptance is the key. Coming out in itself needs so much strength and courage, that which you have ! |
After I told them, they yelled at me. | What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual? | Acceptance is something we cannot control. I would work with someone who can do family systems, even if your family never comes to therapy, you still need to process how the system has changed, or maybe it hasn't changed, maybe there is more realization and you need to process that. I'm sorry they yelled, is that a common response to change in your family? Also, do you accept you? That's the first step! We can only accept the things that we cannot control. Maybe they are not aware of that! They are processing this "new" information. Are you willing to give it some time? Hopefully this helps! |
After I told them, they yelled at me. | What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual? | Coming out to our family can be one of the scariest and bravest things we as LGBTQ do. Sadly, sometimes these family members may not understand or even become scared for us and can lash out by yelling. One thing you may do is to give them time to process their personal emotions. Another thing you may do is to offer to provide local resources such as PFLAG to help educate them. Finally, I would like to mention that you may need to also prepare for your family never accepting your sexuality. This may happen if your family has deep-rooted religious ideas about sexuality. Whatever happens, I would suggest that you create a support structure of the family that does understand, friends that are understanding, and even a counselor or minister to help you work through your personal emotions.Namaste |
After I told them, they yelled at me. | What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual? | |
After I told them, they yelled at me. | What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual? | I am sorry to read that this happened to you. If your family is not supportive of you, this can be a huge challenge. Are you dependent on them in some way (financially, etc.)? This could affect choices you make at this point. Make sure you connect with a supportive community or people and organizations that are afforming of you and your identity. If you are unable to receive support from your family, you can lean on them if necessary. If you feel your family needs more information you can always refer them to appropriate websites and organizations that can help them to understand that this is natural and normal and learn the negative effects of non-affirming people in the life of LGBTQ+ individuals. |
After I told them, they yelled at me. | What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual? | I am so sorry to hear this has been your familys reaction. It is truly heartbreaking to hear. The important thing to remember is that your identity as bisexual is valid and you are worthy of love, no matter what other people say.The other therapists below have given you some great advice on how to cope with your family's reaction and how to manage the pain you are feeling. I wanted add to their responses by sharing a few resources on ways to connect with bisexual community.To know you are not alone. To see yourself reflected in others. To hear others stories of how they have coped. These things can help you stay strong during difficult times. I hope these resources can do some of that for you.Online blogs, resources, and stories: https://bisexual.org/, https://www.binetusa.org/Find a Bisexual support group: https://www.binetusa.org/bi-groups-in-the-usBisexual Podcast- https://www.binetusa.org/the-bicast Find Bi-Affirming Professionals in your area - http://bizone.org/bap/In Solidarity,-Lindsey |
After I told them, they yelled at me. | What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual? | It sounds like your family responded out of fear! They may need some time to digest the information. This can be hard for a family to hear for several reasons but you should be proud that you had the courage to tell them. Once they realize how brave you were and how much you need their support they will come around. Maybe you can write them a letter (for them to read without you present). In the letter, you can tell them your struggles and maybe why you decided to tell them. A letter will give them a little more time to digest the information. |
After I told them, they yelled at me. | What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual? | It's most important that you accept yourself and surround yourself with a group of friends who are kind to you and love you. Family hearing news of any kind for the first time if they are an anxious type of character, will always be tough to digest. Time is important to let it all settle in and also making sure you're taking good care of yourself... I think you're brave and I give you a lot of credit for not denying who you are -- you will inspire so many people to do the same in your life. Wishing you all the best. Gina |
After I told them, they yelled at me. | What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual? | That has to be incredibly difficult because you were very vulnerable and open about what you were feeling and I imagine the response was very hurtful.Here are a couple of things to do right now:Practice giving yourself some love. Bring your awareness to the room around you and some of the positive energy within you. As you become a bit centered, you're likely to be able to work through your emotions more easily.Surround yourself with people who do accept you. I'm hoping that you have friends or acquaintances who accept you as you are.You can also find some support here through this organization that often have events related to offering support:https://www.pflag.org/needsupport. I have not spoken with this organization directly, but they are often discussed in therapeutic trainings as a reputable organization.Related more specifically to your family, that change may take some time. There is often a large adjustment in families because of the huge variations in reactions and what each person thinks, feels, and believes.Consider talking with a local therapist about how to communicate more effectively with your family, as there are a lot of variables there, so it is difficult to give you specific ideas in this format.Remember, there are lots of people who accept you as you are right now. |
After I told them, they yelled at me. | What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual? | I'm sorry your family had such an upsetting response to your news.Maybe eventually they will come around to greater acceptance of you. If this was the first time they heard this fact about your sexuality, the information may have overwhelmed them.It is up to the family members now to realize they handled their reaction in a way which may have upset you.Whether or not they do this, you still can be sure you did what was necessary and in your hands to tell them such key information about you. |
After I told them, they yelled at me. | What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual? | There are a lot of ways one could go about handling this kind of conflict. It is hard to know which way might be advisable if we don't know quite why they would yell (or, why would they care who you choose to sleep and/or partner with to begin with?)However, it is of utmost important that you accept yourself as bisexual, and sometimes that is easier said than done. But, when you are able to get to that acceptance that you are not in the majority in society as far as sexual orientation goes, and all that comes with that, and perhaps other issues you might have with it, it will be significantly easier for you to tolerate your family's lack of acceptance, and perhaps chalk it up to a severe lack of open-mindedness.But because it is family, and we don't choose our families but are forced to deal with them for the most part for better or worse (admittedly I'm not the biggest fan of outright estrangement), processing the loss of "the family that I hoped I had" will also be important for you moving forward in your life. You likely will be able to realize you don't need them to accept your sexual orientation for you to live a healthy and happy life. Perhaps when they see that they can't change you, they will actually just learn to accept it. |
I have been dating my ex-boyfriends cousin for a few years. We have gotten pretty serious. He wants to cut it off because people are giving him a hard time that our kids will be related to my ex. | Is it okay to date my ex-boyfriends cousin? | Does your boyfriend agree with the other people's opinions or is the problem that he feels that doing what they want will be an easy way to stop hearing them say what he doesn't like hearing?Talk through whether he actually believes what the others are telling him or figures that complying will make them stop bothering him.Once the two of you understand what, if any, the differences are in the opinions you each have on the double relationship status, you'll be more clear whether the differences can be aligned somehow. |
My mom is always bossy and treats me like a child even though I'm in my 20s. She argues with me over stupid stuff. | How can I deal with the stress of my mother? | This sounds like a pretty difficult dynamic and I am sorry to hear how it is impacting you.I would encourage you to try and observe the relationship from an outside perspective to begin with. Try to see what it is that causes your mom to be upset (such as you responding in a tone of voice she doesn't like) and see if there is something you could change on your end. If you are able to change something, like your tone of voice, start there. You could also try asking what you could do to help, perhaps she is frustrated that the trash wasn't taken out. You could also sit down and try to hash things out with her, if you feel like that could be beneficial.Ultimately, you are only in charge of you. The things you say, your behaviors, are all controlled by you. So it is important to recognize that no matter what, you can't control what she says or does. Obviously the things we say or do can impact others, which is why you are frustrated over her behavior. But remember that you are able to only control yourself.Seeking therapeutic intervention could also be beneficial for you, and even having her join in to help. I hope you are able to figure something out and I wish you well. |
My mom made a lot of mistakes a couple years back, and I can't seem to forgive her. I want to say that it's okay, but I can't. I feel like even if I did forgive her, I wouldn't be able to say it to her face. | How am I supposed to feel when I forgive someone? | How someone feels when they forgive another, is at peace with themselves and their understanding of what went wrong, who was responsible for what in the situation, and clarity on their own motivation, actions, emotions including pain, regret, resentment, sadness.These steps ideally allow a new door to open in order to develop new paths in the existing relationship or accept that this will not be possible due to either person's way of handling themselves.The long answer would be that you're not yet through with this process.I commend you on being truthful with yourself about yourself.You're on the right track by expecting to feel resolved when you've reached resolution, and not before.Finding patience with the unpredictable amount of time needed to thoroughly examine all the details of the incidents you mention, sometimes is a frustration of its own.Keep up your good work of knowing your own life.It is a worthwhile endeavor! |
My mom made a lot of mistakes a couple years back, and I can't seem to forgive her. I want to say that it's okay, but I can't. I feel like even if I did forgive her, I wouldn't be able to say it to her face. | How am I supposed to feel when I forgive someone? | Hi Cleveland, I think I get what you're feeling. You're scared that if you forgive your mom, that would mean it wasn't so bad, or she'll think it's okay to do it again, or she won't realize how hurt you are.I invite you to look at forgiveness in a different way. Forgiveness doesn't have to mean what she did was okay. Not at all. Forgiveness can mean "I accept what she did, and I don't want to live in her worst moments constantly. I want to put it down and move past it because I want her in my life, because fear and resentment interfere with my relationship with her, and mostly because I'm tired of carrying them (fear and resentment) around constantly."You can forgive your mom for yourself, not for her.If there is evidence that your mom wants to respect you moving forward, then it might be worth it to risk putting down the resentment and the grudge that you think you need to protect yourself.Your ability to draw boundaries with her in the present is your biggest protector; let her know in the present what hurts you, and notice her responses.You don't have to say it to her face. Saying it to yourself is more important. Again, forgiving your mom helps you...it reduces your own burden of fear and resentment, leaving space for better things. |
My wife and mother are having tense disagreements. In the past, theyve had minor differences. For example, my wife would complain to me my mother is too overbearing; my mother would complain my wife is lazy. However, its intensified lately. I think the cause is my wife talked back to her once. Now, any little disagreement is magnified, leading to major disagreements. What can I do? | Escalating disagreements between mother and wife | One choice is for you and your wife to decide together what are reasonable ways and expectations to have of your mother.From what you write it sounds like your wife and you have differences as to what is the proper and right way to talk with your mother.Once the both of you agree on overall philosophy and some specific details for examples, then ask your mother to make time for all three of you to discuss together the expectations and standards you and your wife would like to see happen.This is only the first step since it is possible and likely that at least on a few points, your mother will disagree and have different views.These need to be discussed and integrated into an overall plan which all three of you are happy to live with. |
It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this? | My sister and my husband had an affair | First thing that you must realize is that most people only post the "best parts" of their lives on Facebook, some people even go so far as to make their lives seem better or more interesting and post mostly false views of their life. Facebook is watered down, candied version of our life, you put on there only what you want people to see. The questions you should ask is "How have I grown from this?", Is my marriage currently in a good place? I really wish there was some form of magic that could be performed to solve peoples issues and help them sort out their emotions and troubles, however there is not, the closest we can get is by using {time and insight} to heal our wounds. |
It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this? | My sister and my husband had an affair | Emotional pain is different from physical pain that way, isn't it? Even many years later, an old wound can be ripped open again by a small trigger.You were betrayed by two people close to you. That's a complex injury. I don't know whether you're still in the marriage or not, or whether your sister is still in your life. Perhaps not, as your contact with her seems to be through watching her facebook activity.I'm curious about why you're just now seeing her facebook posts again. Are you feeling more open lately to seeing how she's doing in her life? I guess if you were open to having your sister even in the periphery of your life again, you will have to figure out how to handle those triggers. If you can't, maybe consider unfollowing her or detaching from facebook for a while.So your sister is happy, or she at least appears happy. Your mind might go to some unhelpful places, like "She doesn't regret the affair" (you don't know that), "She doesn't deserve happiness" (that would be a harsh judgement), or "She doesn't care that I'm hurt" (again, there's no evidence of that). Where does your mind go? It's important to identify your worst thoughts in connection to her.When you have those worst thoughts identified, ask yourself "What evidence supports that thought as truth?" It's likely that either there's no evidence, or that the truth is so far from you that you can't know what she's feeling or thinking, which makes having those thoughts pretty futile.A therapist can help you determine what emotions are being triggered here. It doesn't help you and your happiness to carry around resentment, ill wishes, or the need for revenge. Forgiveness is not about saying that something was "okay". It's about saying "It happened. I accept that I can't change it, and I don't want to carry the emotional burden around all the time". Forgiveness is putting it down. She... (trust me this is true)...she carries her own burden of shame for what she did. For you to spend time feeling angry doesn't affect her burden. It only adds to yours.Can you find the tender emotion under your anger? You're hurt. Validate that hurt. Honour that hurt. Take care of that hurt. You can stay away from people who disregard your needs, and you have the power to forgive those who make mistakes out of their simple humanity if you want them in your life.If you continue to struggle, please seek the help of a professional who can assist you in navigating these waters. :) |
It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this? | My sister and my husband had an affair | What is going on in your life that brings up more sensitivity to the affair?The best way of handling your hurt is by noticing your own feelings and the current circumstances that increase your sense of pain.Concentrate on your own life and making your life the best it can be. |
It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this? | My sister and my husband had an affair | A mediated safe talk session between. You and your sister.Then, you and your husband have a mediated safe talk. So both hear what you feel in the respective relationships.Possibly the last step is a mediated safe talk with sister, husband and youcoversation, in the future. |
It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this? | My sister and my husband had an affair | Affairs and infidelity are tough areas to address. The power of the affair comes from the feeling of injustice that seems to have happened to you. The struggle I notice people have is with the forgiveness. Forgiveness is something that is asked of you from your partner but also you have the power to give. I assume you want to forgive or have forgiven. However, the forgetting part is difficult.It seems that image of her happiness may have triggered something in you that isn't happy. I'm not sure how often you are triggered by her but it seems there is something there you need to process. The forgetting part sadly is difficult to put past your mind. However, it's being able to see the unfortunate situation they did and be able to walkthrough it even though it's painful. I think maybe speaking with a local therapist about this as it's often difficult to process alone. Also, see how you are feeling as days go on. Do you find yourself obsessed? If so, you may need to seek a professional counselor. |
My mom and dad got divorced four years ago. I had to finish out the school year with my dad, and now they are deciding which place is best for me. I can't choose. How can I choose if I love both places? | How do I pick which parents house I want to live at? | If you've already stated to your parents that you'd like your opinion to be considered, and listed the key areas you'd like them to keep in mind when making a final decision as to which house you will live, then you've done all you possibly and reasonably can do.Since you wrote that you have difficulty to decide in which parents home you prefer to live, then even if you had free choice of whose house in which to live, are you not better off with the decision made by them on your behalf? |
My mom and dad got divorced four years ago. I had to finish out the school year with my dad, and now they are deciding which place is best for me. I can't choose. How can I choose if I love both places? | How do I pick which parents house I want to live at? | I don't know how old you are, but depending on that, you may be able to talk with them about spending some time in both places. Even parents who live in different states can do that sometimes. It's not as frequent as spending one week at one house and the next week and the other, but I know that it happens.If you can talk with both of your parents about how you would like to live in both places, maybe you can all work out some kind of agreement. |
I have known I was always different. This year, in December, I found out that I never felt female. I did research and have identified myself as male but don't know how to tell my dad. | How can I tell my dad I'm a female-to-male transgender and I want to start binding? | I admire your courage.If you are concerned about telling your dad regarding your gender identity, I would suggest a couple of things. There are a lot of groups or other supports for people who are working through some of the same changes that you may be going through now. I don't mean to convey that everyone thinks, feels, or acts the same by any means, but rather that it may be helpful to talk to others who have had some similar experiences.I was trying to include some links for you, but that particular button isn't functioning window. If you search for "transgender support" on Google, you'll find GLAAD and PFLAG, both of which are national organizations. This does not mean that you have to identify as "transgender," but researching that term may help you to find both national and local resources.As far as telling your dad, if that is particularly concerning for you, I suggest either talking through the details with a local therapist or considering if you have a trusted friend or family member (one who will respect your privacy with regard to who you would like to know about what you are experiencing at this time) so that you can talk with some people to have support. This may help with two things: allowing you to find some support for yourself as you work through the changes that you are going through now and also possibly talking with someone who knows your dad and may be able to talk with you regarding how or when to tell him.One thing that I tell anyone who wants to discuss something that is very important to them is to ask the person they want to talk to whether this is a good time for an important conversation. That way, you have greater chances of having the person's attention and/or not needing to end the conversation quickly.Also, please remember that you know yourself best, as each of us does. |
I have known I was always different. This year, in December, I found out that I never felt female. I did research and have identified myself as male but don't know how to tell my dad. | How can I tell my dad I'm a female-to-male transgender and I want to start binding? | In part the answer depends on your age.If you are legally a minor, then consulting with a doctor for guidance on transitioning, will require your father or whoever else pays for your health insurance.The way to tell him if it is a necessity, and even if you are older and would like him to know your truth, is as follows.Know the reason for your hesitancy to speak with him.This way you can anticipate and to some degree rehearse your answers.Tell him the truth about your own difficulty to speak about the topic. People usually soften if they feel you appeal to their compassion and sensitivity.Also, accept that you may hear a bad reaction from him and be prepared for this possibility. |
I have known I was always different. This year, in December, I found out that I never felt female. I did research and have identified myself as male but don't know how to tell my dad. | How can I tell my dad I'm a female-to-male transgender and I want to start binding? | Hello, and thank you for your question. This is certainly a tough spot. I have a few thoughts and perhaps some colleagues will add some things. You may want to spend a few minutes calling to mind any conversations that you have had with your father about transgender issues, or if you have ever heard him talk about it. That may give you a small clue about how well he may accept this news from you. For example, if he has been watching the news lately, transgender rights is something that is being talked about a lot. Has he had an opinion? This won't tell you for sure if he would be okay with learning you are transgender, but at least you would know if there is hostility toward transgender people. To tell you the truth, the best way to tell your dad is whatever way feels right to you. There is no right or wrong way, best or worst. If you want to tell him when you are by yourself with him? That's perfect. Want to have a friend with you for support? Equally perfect. Whatever thing you need to do. And, of course, there is always the option of not telling him anything until you are comfortable doing so. Unfortunately, the response from your dad can't be predicted. Some parents are totally cool.... others not so much. This is one reason why having someone with your for support is sometimes a good idea. If things get heated, you have someone in your corner. There are therapists who specialize in affirmative therapy, and they may be very helpful to you in working out how you want to tell him. You can also Google some stories about how others came out.I refer many people to the www.letsqueerthingsup.com blog. It is a popular blog written by a trans man that I know. He writes on many topics related to trans issues. Hope some of these suggestions help. Be well... be you.. and good luck!Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC |
My parents hate me. | Why do my parents always favor my sibling while acting like they do so much for me? | I'm sad for you to feel hated by your parents.Only they would know the reason for the discrepancy in how they treat you and your sibling.Know that every human being deserves love and respect.That they treat you less well than your sibling has reasons which you may or may not care to theorize on.Regardless of their reasons, their behavior toward you is not excusable.Protect your emotions and develop good relationships outside the family, like with friends and school mates.While you deserve their loving attention, there's nothing directly you can do to squeeze it from them.If they don't volunteer their love to you, then invest your goodwill into others who will enjoy and appreciate you. |
They broke up recently. She was a huge part of my life. | How can I get over my mom and her girlfriend's breakup? | The possible pathways for you depend on whether you'd be wiling to be straightforward with both your mom and her gf about your own emotions about their breakup.Start by talking with your mom, because she has the more potent and the more long term relationship meaning in your life.Open the conversation as your genuine need for a positive settlement to the end of their relationship.Depending on the outcome of the talk with your mom, come to your own conclusion as to whether you'd like to find ways to maintain some level of connection to the ex gf.Holiday and birthday cards, occasional emails with the person, may feel supportive for you.Once you have some idea of your preferences for contact or not, and what type, then speak with the ex gf to find out her reaction to how open she is to your remedies.At the very least, you will have done a thorough job in examining what is possible for your own relationship with each one. |
My mother has Alzheimer's and I can see that she has lost some of her intellectual abilities. Even though I know this disease is not her fault, Im still finding it difficult to separate my own feelings of disappointment and frustration when my mom seems to ignore my opinions and wishes, and seems | How do I tell my elderly mother that I cant stay for long visits? | Good observation on your part, to distinguish that your feelings in relation to your mom are not necessarily connected to the way she handles her part of the relation toward you.Has your mom usually ignored your opinions and wishes in relating to you?If prior to the onset of Alzheimer's, she never examined her way of relating to you, and if both of you have never had an open conversation about your sense of feeling hurt by her attitudes and manner with you, then the relationship between you and your mom will change in ways other than rational dialogue.She may continue ignoring or overlooking your wishes because she's been stuck in this attitude for most of your life.The good news for you about this is realizing that who you are and your way of relating to your mom, has very little to do with the way she relates to you.This is a more profound disappointment because it shows that her disconnect from you has been for longer than when the Alzheimer's began.You can however, feel a little more free knowing that you're not deserving of being ignored. |
My mother has Alzheimer's and I can see that she has lost some of her intellectual abilities. Even though I know this disease is not her fault, Im still finding it difficult to separate my own feelings of disappointment and frustration when my mom seems to ignore my opinions and wishes, and seems | How do I tell my elderly mother that I cant stay for long visits? | There are many conflicting emotions and tasks that arise when one becomes a caretaker for their parent.Expressing positive emotions to her (i.e. "Mom, I love and care for you, and enjoy our time together. I'm sorry I can't stay long"( may help re-frame your thoughts and have a fresh perspective on the situation. Additionally, Visual cues like pictures and notes can also be helpful for those who suffer from disorders like Alzheimer's and Dementia, as it offers a "Trigger" for memory, helping to ease the doors to communication.Finding support in other family members, or a therapist familiar with elder care issues may be helpful as well. |
I have a mother who is still running my life even though I'm almost 30 years old. I want to move out and live my own life, but it feels like as long as I do what my mom wants our relationship is okay. It's never okay if I don't do what she wants. I don't know how to start making my own decisions and not worry about whether it's right in her eyes. Would it help for me to talk to someone about this? | I want to make my own decisions | If the only way the relationship you have with your mother feels "okay" is when she is the only one who makes decisions concerning your life, then this only seems ok.In fact it is not okay for one person to be the authority for another person unless the one for whom this is being done, does not have their own ability to think for themselves.Separating your own wishes and way of handling life matters, from your mother's point of view, may be difficult.First, realize you need to get familiar with feeling at ease with the idea of deciding matters for yourself.You'll need practice until you feel comfortable.Unless, if you've been thinking through decisions you'd like to make and the idea of your mother's anger is the only point which stopped you, then you may almost instantly start living in a liberated way of running your own life.Basically, it is right and fair for you to have the chance to live your life the way you feel is best. Be prepared that your mother may disagree with you and that her disagreement is not a reason itself to not do what you believe is in your best interest. |
I have a mother who is still running my life even though I'm almost 30 years old. I want to move out and live my own life, but it feels like as long as I do what my mom wants our relationship is okay. It's never okay if I don't do what she wants. I don't know how to start making my own decisions and not worry about whether it's right in her eyes. Would it help for me to talk to someone about this? | I want to make my own decisions | ABSOLUTELY. Having someone who's outside the situation and, even more so, with knowledge and experience in human behavior and relationship dynamics such as a counselor can do wonders in helping us feel less alone in frustrating situations like the one you're currently stuck in with your mother. A professional can also assist you in finding some assertiveness techniques, communication strategies, and coping skills to help you find your voice and stand your ground in a way that feels most authentic to you.In a healthy parent-child dynamic, there comes a normal developmental shift when, as the child reaches each new stage of maturity and responsibility, the parent backs off to provide a more supportive role instead of directive role. We call this "redefining relationships." (We also do it with our friendships and colleagues here and there over time as needed). It's absolutely vital.Sounds like your mom may have missed that memo.Like many parents, she may feel your behavior and choices is a direct reflection of her. Or that her role as your mother allows her greater latitude than it should. Or like many other people in general, that her way is the ONLY way.Regardless, this is YOUR life. And as far as we know, it's not a dress rehearsal. You certainly don't want to wake up some 50 years from now regretful or resentful.That being said, there are certainly ways to show her love and respect while doing what makes you happy.I would encourage you to Google therapists near you whose bios resonate with you and what you're looking for and start on a the journey towards a new chapter of freedom and hopefully a deeper, more satisfying mother-daughter relationship for both of you.Warmest regards,Tamara Powell, LMHC |
I have known her for years. She was dating my brother-in-law when we met. My kids think of her as their aunt. On Halloween 2014, I lost my mom to cancer. My mom and dad were still married when she passed away. My friend was there for me through that and my own cancer diagnosis. She has been a very big part of both me and my kids life, but now last month, my dad told me that he really likes my friend and wants to marry her. Shes like a sister to me. My kids hate the idea. | How do I get my dad to understand that I don't want him to date or marry my best friend? | Hi Lincoln,It can be very difficult for children who have lost a parent to then see their other parent moving forward with anyone, so I understand how this change is even more upsetting to you.And...your father and your friend have clearly established a friendship and fallen in love. Did you see this coming? I hope they didn't hide it from you. If they did, maybe this is the issue? It would be a legitimate one.But in the end, your father, and your friend, are adults who are free to fall in love with whomever they wish and hopefully they can count on the support of people who trust and love them. Could there be blessings here you haven't seen yet? It seems you love this person who is like a sister; could it be a good thing that her place in your life is more permanent?Ask yourself these questions... "What is the worst part of this?" "What do I fear losing?" "What do I fear at all?" "What is the evidence that this will happen?" The answers might surprise you.Your children will follow your lead. If you are supportive of their grandfather, they will follow suit.Hopefully you can grieve the change, know that your mother would likely want both of them to be happy, and embrace the blessings that come with having this woman close to you in a new way. I wish you the best. |
I have known her for years. She was dating my brother-in-law when we met. My kids think of her as their aunt. On Halloween 2014, I lost my mom to cancer. My mom and dad were still married when she passed away. My friend was there for me through that and my own cancer diagnosis. She has been a very big part of both me and my kids life, but now last month, my dad told me that he really likes my friend and wants to marry her. Shes like a sister to me. My kids hate the idea. | How do I get my dad to understand that I don't want him to date or marry my best friend? | How are you measuring whether or not your dad understands your wish?Your dad understanding your wish does not mean he will necessarily follow through with what you want.Based on what you describe about your relationship to the woman in question, your discomfort with the idea of your dad marrying your friend, is reasonable.Have the conversation with your dad that includes your viewpoint, and also ask him for his impression of your feelings.Its even possible he already has considered your feelings and hasn't yet told you.It is also possible that a conversation on the subject, as well as your dad following through with his decision to marry your best friend, may develop in a very positive way.Part of the current uneasiness you feel may be from fear of how a change in circumstances and introducing new relationship dynamics might feel.Given that the person who died was your mom, maybe your emotions are not yet ready seeing your dad with a replacement spouse.Try to see the situation from the point of everyone, including yourself, who is involved in this major change. Maybe having a family discussion about acceptance and readiness to accept a new partner for your dad, would open new empathy for all of these family members. |
I have known her for years. She was dating my brother-in-law when we met. My kids think of her as their aunt. On Halloween 2014, I lost my mom to cancer. My mom and dad were still married when she passed away. My friend was there for me through that and my own cancer diagnosis. She has been a very big part of both me and my kids life, but now last month, my dad told me that he really likes my friend and wants to marry her. Shes like a sister to me. My kids hate the idea. | How do I get my dad to understand that I don't want him to date or marry my best friend? | That's intense. This person moving from a friend of yours to both a friend of yours and, in a sense, your step mom is a lot. I wonder if you have let your dad know what's going through your mind with this and how it is affecting you. I can imagine that could feel awkward and emotional. Still, getting him to understand might be as simple as letting him know, in your words, how this feels from your view as well as what you wish. It may not change the outcome (he may still marry her), but your thoughts will not go unsaid and opens it up for conversation. Best luck! |
I'm an adult, facing problems with my mom. She's way too controlling. She decides things for me, disregarding whatever I say. I tried explaining my side to her calmly, but she eventually gets angry and doesn't wish to listen to me regardless of how I speak to her. | How should I deal with my mom's controlling behavior? | The part of your life which is in your control is the way you handle what your mom does and the way she talks to you.It is possible the two of you have very different opinions on a great number of matters.Each person, including you, has the right to decide whether and how to respond to someone.Stick up for your own right to make decisions.If she doesn't accept your independent viewpoints, then this doesn't give away your right to have these views.Since she makes herself clear as to her unwillingness to listen to you, then consider this as an easy way to avoid directly speaking with her about what's on your mind.If she ever shows an interest in your opinions and you feel like discussing these with her, then feel free to make this choice. |
My older brother (in his 60s) started dating a lady with Asperger's. She is hyper-sexual and flirty. She does not understand boundaries. Theyve been dating for a few months, and she's talking marriage. Another sibling and his wife have met her, and they have said she is never invited back. My brother always picks similar ladies. Do we speak honestly and risk losing a relationship? | Should I talk honestly to my brother about his girlfriend, risking our own relationship? | If you and your brother are open w each other and respect each others opinions then there is little risk your relationship with him will end.If there already is strong animosity, mistrust, dislike between both of you then there is more chance he will not seriously consider your advice.For your own peace of mind, say whatever you feel must be said to him.The person youll need to live with is yourself so do what you believe is needed for you to feel good about saying whats necessary.Even if he never follows through with your advice then youll still know you tried your best to advise. |
My older brother (in his 60s) started dating a lady with Asperger's. She is hyper-sexual and flirty. She does not understand boundaries. Theyve been dating for a few months, and she's talking marriage. Another sibling and his wife have met her, and they have said she is never invited back. My brother always picks similar ladies. Do we speak honestly and risk losing a relationship? | Should I talk honestly to my brother about his girlfriend, risking our own relationship? | This is tricky and quite delicate.I wonder if you could talk with your brother about whether he would be willing to have a discussion with you about something that is important to you. I would also suggest trying to make clear your true intentions. For example:Telling him that he has the right to do what he wants with who he chooses to dateThat you are talking to him about this because you care about himThat your relationship with him is important to you and that you love him and care about himAlso try to stick to examples or ideas that are objectively observable (for example, when this happens ___, I notice ___). That way you are using facts rather than opinions and things that can be observed rather than subjective emotional decisionsI would also be curious with what your brother sees in this girl, and I might even recommend starting with thatI cannot underline enough the importance of having this come across as genuine, and for lack of a better word, gentle.I also be very honest with you that I cannot guarantee that he will react positively, neutrally, or even that he will have the discussion with you.Because it is true that he could choose to continue dating this girl and perhaps even hold it against you for a while, I would also encourage you to look at the importance of this to you and where you consider the risk-benefit ratio to be. |
I'm a teenager, and I know the importance of my upcoming schooling. However, no matter how much I put in my best effort, my family thinks I have done zero effort in total. What can I do? | I feel like I'm putting my full effort in my studies, but no one thinks that I am | Your family's opinion is quite demoralizing.Unless you are lying to yourself or to them, then your best effort deserves appreciation and support from family.The family members may have reasons besides the actual outcome of your school work to be so blind to your investment of effort.Maybe they target onto you their unhappiness in some other area of their lives. It is often easier to create false narratives if a person wants to avoid looking at themselves.Possibly too, the family people may have a twisted logic to their words, as though ignoring your effort is a way to force you to do more.If you feel the family people will listen to the way their words affect you, then definitely tell them.If not, then you are learning an early lesson on how not everyone is necessarily supportive of others, and how disappointing this feels. |
I'm a teenager, and I know the importance of my upcoming schooling. However, no matter how much I put in my best effort, my family thinks I have done zero effort in total. What can I do? | I feel like I'm putting my full effort in my studies, but no one thinks that I am | First of all, I'm glad that you posted here and I'm glad that you recognize the importance of schooling.Where does your family get the idea that you are not putting in the effort? While people can interpret "effort" differently, with talking about schoolwork, I would think that your grades would show the effort that you are putting in.If you are getting good grades and you are saying that your family does not think your grades are good enough, maybe there could be a conversation where you are able to ask them what they are expecting from you (and try to listen without defending yourself for a few minutes) and then you could explain what you are doing to prepare. Maybe you could set time limits so you each have five minutes to discuss this (or less, if you think that would be better).If your grades are not as good as you would like and you are putting in the effort, I would still consider having a conversation like I mentioned above, and perhaps taking advantage of tutoring or other possibilities offered by your school.Just as a bit more information for you, I have been working with children, teenagers, and adults for more than nine years now. When someone tells me that they wish their child would do better in school, I always ask what that means. Sometimes it means that their grades are D's and F's. For other families, it means that the grades dropped below 95% and in that family, that is unacceptable. Perception makes a big difference here.If you are doing your best and accomplishing your goals, that is worth celebrating. |
Im a teenager. My entire family needs family therapy, and more than likely individual therapy. My parents refuse to take action, and I'm tired of it. Is there any way I can get out of this myself? | How do I find a therapist for my family as a minor? | This sounds like a really tough situation. As a teenager, you may be able to get counseling on your own (without needing your parents' consent) under some circumstances. If your parents are refusing toconsider counseling, you might want to try talking to your doctor or another trusted adultabout finding some counseling resources - even without your parents' help. |
It's the way my mom said I was worth nothing, stupid, no point of being in school. I'm "lazy little fat." | What's wrong with me for going to summer school? | There is nothing wrong with going to summer school. |
It's the way my mom said I was worth nothing, stupid, no point of being in school. I'm "lazy little fat." | What's wrong with me for going to summer school? | Your mom is telling you cruel words.The fact that she is your mother and is not supportive and willing to point out your strengths, is a good reason to not believe what she tells you.Parents are meant to nurture their children, not take them down with words.Kids go to summer schmo for all sorts of reasons. If you were unable to concentrate during the school year on academic subjects, for whatever reason, summer school is a way to catch up so you will stay with your classmates in the school year which starts in September.I understand not liking the idea of school in the summer. Only this is different than being putdown the way your mother does to you. |
My boyfriend and I have been arguing every night about the same thing. He also tells me that if I go visit my mother out of state he will be gone when I get back. He and my mother do not get along. What should I do? | I feel like my relationship is falling apart | A relationship gets weaker, not stronger by threatening control of the other person.Start by telling your boyfriend to keep his remarks about you and the interests he is in which you two disagree, limited to these areas.Your relationship with your mother is between you and her.Regardless of how much he doesn't like her, to not respect your mother daughter relationship is unreasonable and disrespectful toward you.Threatening to take action against you by withdrawing himself from your relationship, is almost guaranteed to harm the good feelings between the two of you.Does you boyfriend dislike your mother for any reason having to do with her being a danger to you?Ask his reason since if he does this from concern for your emotional or physical safety, then this is good sentiment which is handled incorrectly, by a threat to you.What you should do is ask your boyfriend to not threaten you and to calmly talk about the topics you bring up here. |
My boyfriend and I have been arguing every night about the same thing. He also tells me that if I go visit my mother out of state he will be gone when I get back. He and my mother do not get along. What should I do? | I feel like my relationship is falling apart | It's ultimately your decision whether or not you go to see your mother. I'm not sure whether talking with her on the phone or through some videoconferencing application (such as Skype) would be something you could do in the meantime until you sort out what you want to do.Some things I wonder are:What makes the two of them not get along?What makes him feel threatened or on edge if you visit your mother without him? What does he think will happen?What is he getting out of trying to choose for you?What is he so afraid of?If you decide to talk about these things with your boyfriend, try to do the following:Consider using questions that start with the words who, what, where, when, and not why. The word why can be really difficult for some people to answer because the word itself triggers an emotional reaction.Try to ask him if the two of you can discuss this in a way that you can just ask more questions about what he is experiencing. If you can listen without being defensive about what you think and feel, you may understand more about where you boyfriend is coming from.Remember that understanding what he means does not mean that you have to agree with what he is saying.Maybe he would be willing to listen to what you are experiencing and ask questions about that as you did for him. It would be good to do this in a way similar to what an investigative reporter would do and asking questions that cannot be answered in a yes or no format and require more information.I'm sure this is putting you in a very tough place. If you would like to talk to someone more directly about the details, consider seeing a local mental health professional. |
For the past week or so me and my boyfriend have been fighting. He has been making a lot of bad choices and he is currently hospitalized. I'm barely eating or sleeping because I'm constantly worried about him. Everyone else in my life says that I should just forget about him and walk away. What should I do? | How do I choose the right path with my boyfriend? | Forgetting one's emotions is impossible.Since you are in a relationship with this guy, your emotions keep your feelings active toward him.Does he respect your upset with his lifestyle choices?Are the two of you having conversations about your opinions on him?You're as entitled to dislike what he does as he is to like what he does.Since you're together in a relationship, respect for the other's values and how best to live life, matters.He may be as unhappy about your dislike for his lifestyle as you are with his.Try to know whether he's willing to change to accommodate you.Study whether you're willing to change to accept his ways.See whether the two sides are close enough to be different from one another and still be happy together.Then, if the answer is "no", you can consider to separate from him and your emotions gradually will recuperate from leaving the relationship. |
Ever since my mother passed away my family has treated me like a stranger. Now I'm concerned that my father will need to go into a nursing home. If that happens I think I'm going to be on my own to handle it. What should I do? I'm going to need my family's help and support. | I feel like I'm on my own | Understandably you'd like support from those who know and love you.From what you write, your family members do not offer you your very reasonable expectation.Start by telling particular family members with whom you feel you'd have the most likely chance of success in their meeting your expectation by loving you.This way you are able to tell yourself you've tried what is reasonable to try.Don't give up on expecting loving support for yourself!If your family members are unwilling to give you this, then start to give yourself loving attention and care.Gradually you will bring yourself in contact with new others who will love you.Loving yourself makes you attractive. so others will find your willingness to be loved. |
We just cannot seem to get along. I cannot have a conversation with her without it turning into World War 3. She treats me like I have no right to an opinion and never really lets me speak. My real mother cares and tries to help me, but she can't do much, because my adoptive mother won't listen to her either. | How can I create a better relationship with my adoptive mother? | Going to see a experience counselor would be my advice. You will have a neutral person that can listen to both sides and help you all find a common ground of understanding. If she doesn't agree to counseling, really the only person you can change is you. I would suggest that you approach her with love and let her know what you appreciate about her, let her know the great things she have done that could not be replaced or forgotten however you want your relationship to get better than it has been lately. Hopefully this will open the door of communication where you can explain your thoughts and feeling but in a loving way. |
My dad doesn't like the fact that I'm a boy. He yells at me daily because of it and he tells me I'm extreme and over dramatic. I get so depressed because of my dad's yelling. He keeps asking me why I can't just be happy the way I am and yells at me on a daily basis. Is this considered emotional abuse? | My dad is mad because I identify as a male and I was born a female | Maybe this is emotional abuse.It certainly is irritating and annoying to be yelled at for being yourself.Maybe at a time when he's not yelling you can bring up the topic of your own willingness, if this is true, to discuss questions he has about your gender.There's no guarantee he won't start yelling midway through a dialogue like this. Only then you will be on firm ground to excuse yourself from the conversation since you already explained that you're willing to talk with him and not to be yelled at by him. |
How do I ever trust another woman? I have found myself constantly reading between the lines with every other woman that I meet. I am having a difficult time making any sort of connection to anyone because of her deception and willingness to say and do literally anything in order to control my emotions. Once the "relationship" was over, she became extremely abusive and has attempted to intimidate me into silence regarding the many false claims made on her immigration application. | I was duped into getting married to a therapist, but once her immigration status was secure, she bolted | I'm sorry to hear about being taken advantage of by your former wife.On the positive side, think of how much you learned by going through this very painful time.Maybe you are naturally very generous and caring, to the point of expecting very little from the other person, for example.Consider yourself in a favorable position to not feel like going out right now and meeting a new person. Your spirit is guiding you to stay put and recuperate from this ordeal, review for any signs you may have been more trusting than merited by the person's behavior.There's a natural flow to what we're able to handle and when we have renewed capacity for new adventures.There's no reason to assume that you'll never trust another woman again. The first step is re-building trust in yourself to step into a new relationship. There is no designated time line. You'll simply feel more ready than you feel now.Very unlikely that you'd ever place yourself in a similar situation to the one you're currently recovering from.Good luck! |
How do I ever trust another woman? I have found myself constantly reading between the lines with every other woman that I meet. I am having a difficult time making any sort of connection to anyone because of her deception and willingness to say and do literally anything in order to control my emotions. Once the "relationship" was over, she became extremely abusive and has attempted to intimidate me into silence regarding the many false claims made on her immigration application. | I was duped into getting married to a therapist, but once her immigration status was secure, she bolted | I'm sorry to hear about that situation. If the woman was your therapist (or had been at one time), this could represent a significant ethical violation when she created a dual relationship with you.Even if you were not her client, this might still be an ethical violation. Counselors are held to a high standard of conduct and honesty at all times.In a situation like this you might consider filing a complaint with the state regulatory board. |
I have three siblings. My mom loves them and not me. Shes always yelling at me, but when it comes to my siblings, she talks to them. Im always crying in my room. | How can I make my mom love me the same as my siblings? | Have you ever tried talking with her about this when she's not angry? While I hear you saying that it feels like she doesn't love you, there could be a lot of other pieces to this. Have you ever told her about how much she means to you (when she's not angry)? |
My stepdad and I always mess around. I've noticed that whenever he playfully hits me, it's always my butt that he hits. He always comments on my outfits and always scans me head to toe when I walk into a room. I'm a teenager female, and I want to know if this is normal. | Is my relationship with my stepdad normal? | It's hard to tell from the way you described it. Do you think he would be open to an honest discussion? It could be that his comments about your outfit are designed to make you feel good or to help them show how much he cares about you as his stepdaughter. As far as scanning you from head to toe, I can think of reasons that parents might do that. I also think that talking about it is probably very important so you really know what his intentions are. That way, it removes the guesswork and you have the opportunity to know what he is thinking and feeling and he can also know what your reactions are. |
Any time my family and friends are in an altercation, Im the one who steps in. Im the one they call to fight for them. I do this even though I have a tough time trusting the people Im fighting for. Im only in my early 20s. | Why am I so protective of my friends and family? | You could be protective because of things that happened in your past or in the past of the people that you are protecting. A lot of us have natural instincts that we do not want other people to be in pain. For other people, conflict is just hard to watch and/or listen to.As for having a tough time trusting them, that could also relate to past events between you and these other people or it could relate to the conflict that you mentioned. It can be difficult to trust someone deeply when you don't know when the next big fight or argument is going to start.The next time you step in for someone, consider asking yourself what is making you do that? What are you feeling in the moment? |
Any time my family and friends are in an altercation, Im the one who steps in. Im the one they call to fight for them. I do this even though I have a tough time trusting the people Im fighting for. Im only in my early 20s. | Why am I so protective of my friends and family? | Breaking the patterns of relating to family members, is difficult work.In the situation you describe, both you and the family members who ask for your intervention, will be affected by any change you decide to make in the way all of you handle family disagreements.Always, it is best for any two people who have a disagreement, to talk directly with each other. A third person distracts from the content and reasons for disagreeing.Maybe knowing that by pulling yourself away from mediating family arguments, you will in the long term be doing good for your family, helps you do the actual work of separating yourself from their arguments.Definitely, the fact that you're writing about the problem, shows you feel like doing something which feels better than how you feel currently.It is very healthy for you to listen to your gut intuition telling you to pull out of the mediator role you are in currently.You may feel guilty, your family members will most likely do everything possible to persuade, convince, and push you back into their arguments.This doesn't make them right in what they're doing, it only makes your job harder of trying to let them have their fights on their own. |
She has chronic inflammatory demyelinating polyneuropathy, and Im her caregiver. All she does is complain, hit me, call me names, and say things happened that didnt. When I tell her, she explodes. I didnt always hate her, but now every little thing she does irritates me, and I dont have the means to live on my own. | Is it normal to hate my mom? | It sounds like you are hating some of the things that your mom does rather than hating her.Something you may be able to do is call the area agency on aging for the county where you live and ask for information about having other people help to care for your mom. I don't know how old your mom is, but if she is younger, they would probably have resources to other ways that you could have help. If you are both open to the possibility of someone else helping out, this may help with some of the difficulties between you if you are not spending quite as much time together. Do you think your mom is able to actually recognize how what she does and says affects you?From whom do you have support during all of this? |
My dad is doing some really bad drugs, and I'm not allowed to see him anymore because of what he can do to me or my siblings on this drug. It has affected me tremendously in my life. Its even caused me anger and stress. | What can I do about my dad being on drugs? | It seems like you are going trough stages of grief, since the inability to see your father causes you similar feelings as if you had lost him. Perhaps you could send him letters expressing your feelings and hopes. But do understand that if he is under the influence of drugs he might not be able to empathize with your feelings or react in the way that he would have done so in the past. As the issue evolves find a therapist or counselor to help you work on letting go of that anger and stress, which may affect you negatively. Find forgiveness so you can have a relationship with him in the future.Qu puedo hacer con mi padre usuario de drogas?Mi papa est usando drogas muy malas, y no estoy autorizada a verlo por lo que me puede hacer a m y a mis hermanos. Esto afecta mi vida tremendamente. Me causa coraje estrs.Parece que estas pasando por estados de luto, ya que el no poder ver a tu padre causa sentimientos similares a cuando hay una perdida. Tal vez puedes escribirle cartas expresando tus sentimientos y esperanzas. Pero comprende que si el est bajo la influencia de drogas puede que no sienta empata o te responda como lo sola hacer. Mientras el problema se resuelve busca un consejero o terapeuta que te ayude a trabajar en resolver los sentimientos de coraje y estrs, trabaja tambin en perdonarlo para que puedas tener una relacin con l en el futuro. |
I'm in my mid-twenties now, and my boyfriend of seven years and I want to start a life. My mother is 100% codependent on me and is extremely manipulative. She suffers from type 1 diabetes, which she uses to guilt me if I ever leave her. The problem is that I will feel guilty. | How can I free myself from my narcissistic, codependent, ill mother? | Focus more on your own life and less on the very heavy descriptors you wrote to describe your mom.All the words you wrote represent psychological conditions which are either lifelong or take a lot of motivation and effort to change.Since the only person who can change how your mom handles her life, is your mom, and you are the only one who can do the same for yourself, devote more energy and time to living your own life fully, despite the emotions you feel regarding her. |
My traditional family is opposed to me moving in with my boyfriend who is 13 years older | Has any of your family members told you their reasons for their opinion?Find this out first.If you have a somewhat reasonable relationship with family members, their views may give you insight on your relationship and on you.How much do you care about what your family is telling you?Maybe be honest with first yourself and then your family about appreciating their interest and concern, and that you've different ideas on ways to live, than they do.As long as you and your family are able to talk about the differences between your points of view, then everyone is supporting good will.This makes living with any disagreements, much easier. |
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My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health. | How can I get my mother to listen to me without her freaking out? | How can I get my mother to listen to me without her freaking out?Communication with our loved ones can be tricky, but it is the key to maintaining a healthy and functional relationship with them. At times, it seems difficult to communicate with our family because many feelings and undercover messages are attached. Especially with our mothers, who often provide advice and feel responsible for us, it may feel like they are making everything about themselves as they express their worries and concerns.So what to do? First will be important to practice active listening skills, to ensure that you are receiving and understanding the message, without filtering it trough your own emotions or preconceptions of the person who speaks. Second, learn and practice assertive communication skills. Those will help you to communicate a message clearly and in pieces. It also emphasizes using I-statements to express how you feel at times when emotions become affected by the interaction. Third, you should practice, by writing your I-statement or role playing with your counselor. The trick with communication skills is that we need to practice them as often as possibleuntil you to master them. You can also contact a family therapist to improve those skills if it becomes challenging, or contact a mediator if more issues arise.Cmo puedo lograr que mi mam me escuche sin alarmarse tanto?La comunicacin con nuestros seres queridos puede ser dificultosa, pero es la clave para mantener relaciones saludables y funcionales con ellos. A veces, nos parece aun ms difcil comunicarnos con nuestra familia, porque hay muchos sentimientos y mensajes envueltos en la comunicacin. Especialmente nuestras madres, pueden hacer parecer que estn convirtiendo el asunto en algo personal, cuando se sienten preocupadas y responsables por nosotros y nuestras acciones.Y qu hacemos? Primero debemos aprender a escuchar activamente, para asegurarnos de que comprendemos el mensaje, y que no lo estemos filtrando a travs de nuestras emociones e ideas de la otra persona. Segundo, aprende y practica comunicacin asertiva. Esto te ayudara a comunicar un mensaje claramente y en pedazos. Tambin te ayudar a aprender expresiones del Yo, para identificar sentimientos afectados durante la interaccin. Tercero, es importante que practiques estas destrezas, ya sea escribiendo o con tu consejero. El secreto est en practicar las tcnicas de comunicacin cuantas veces sea posible, hasta que las uses espontneamente. Si tienes dificultad aprendiendo estas tcnicas, o el conflicto con tu mama es uno muy difcil de resolver, puedes contactar un consejero o mediador familiar para que te asista. |
My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health. | How can I get my mother to listen to me without her freaking out? | Could you tell her ? What would happen if you said "Mom, I love you and I really want to share myself with you, but often I you get upset and I don't want that to happen. I really want to be able to talk to you." |
It happens especially at me and my sister, and then she gets emotional and brings up the past. How should I deal with it? She is always stressed about her work and doesn't put her family first. | Is it normal for my mom to get mad easily? | You are very wise for a young person. You have already figured out that other people's behaviours...how they treat you...it's not about you...it's about them. I love that you don't blame yourself for your mom's behaviours. It's not your fault. She's getting upset because she doesn't know how to manage her emotions, and these emotions have to do with her past and her present stress. You're just the trigger. Yes, this is normal, but it's not necessary. She can find another way to manage her "stuff".Unfortunately, you can't help your mom a whole lot or even help her recognize this. But for yourself... remembering that her behaviours are her issue is the biggest piece of "dealing with it". You can always try some new strategies when you talk to mom...you can say "I'll listen you better if you don't bring up past stuff", or "I'm worried about you mom. You seem stressed", or even "I don't like the way you talk to me". Good luck! |
It happens especially at me and my sister, and then she gets emotional and brings up the past. How should I deal with it? She is always stressed about her work and doesn't put her family first. | Is it normal for my mom to get mad easily? | Anger is a normal emotion, and yet it is a really hard one... how much is too much? and how do you express it without damaging those around you? yes mom's get angry, sometimes too easy... but its their responsibility to manage their anger-- get their own support and put themselves in time outs when they cannot handle it well. Since you are the kids, you shouldn't have to fix or calm down mom's anger. Maybe in a calmer time when you guys are being silly talk with her one on one? Tell her you are feeling sad and hurt that she gets upset at you girls. Ask her if there is 1 thing you can work on this next month to help her. Ask her if she would work on 1 thing for you this month-- not yelling? taking a time out? telling you before she blows her top so you can exit the room? Also for you, check out a library book on anger so you know how to handle yours, and one on parents and anger. Number one to remember, if you don't feel safe, if she is calling you names, or hurting you, breaking things etc. make sure you go to a trusted adult--school counselor, neighbor, aunt, church friend as soon as possible. You are much too important to be hurt and if mom is out of control, someone elseneeds to be --caring for you. |
My parents seem okay with other sexualities, but normally they only talk about being gay. When they do talk about bisexuality, they say things like they'll do anything or things that make me very uncomfortable because I am bisexual. I don't know if I am ready to come out to them. | I'm scared to tell my family that I'm bisexual | Coming out to family members can cause a lot of anxiety. However, although I cannot promise what their reaction will be, the benefit is that you will no longer have to hide who you are. Perhaps researching or getting information on bisexuality can help your family understand what it truly is to be bisexual. Many times, people are just not educated on certain things. |
My parents seem okay with other sexualities, but normally they only talk about being gay. When they do talk about bisexuality, they say things like they'll do anything or things that make me very uncomfortable because I am bisexual. I don't know if I am ready to come out to them. | I'm scared to tell my family that I'm bisexual | Perhaps you are not ready to come out to your parents. Often timesour readiness is not dependent on what others' will say or how theyreact.But more so dependent onhow emotionally prepared we are to deal with others' reactions. Itmay bebeneficial for youto play out each possiblescenario andconclusion (eg. your parents being supportive vs. your parents being disappointed and so on). How are you prepared to deal with the outcome? Youmay also seek help through counselors, support groups and/or individuals you know that havedealt with similar situations to help you prepare to discussthis with your parents.All the best! |
I'm in love with my own gender, and my parents are against that. I don't know how to tell them because I'm afraid they'll not want me anymore. | How do I tell my parents that I'm gay? | Hello, and thank you for your question. This is one of those times when you wish you could assure someone that everything will go perfectly, but unfortunatelyI can't do that. There is no way of knowing how parents might respond until you tell them. The truth is that people have come out to their parents in many different ways. Some have told their parents directly, some drop hints, some have had others tell their parents, etc. The only "right" way to come out is the one that you choose. The one that feels right to you. That is the best way. Some people decide not to come out, and some wait for a very long time. Both ofthese things are okay. Coming out is deeply personal, and there can be real consequences to someone's emotional health and safety if they tell the wrong person. That is why it should only be done when you are ready. When you feel that you have the emotional and personal support thatyou need to take the risk. Sometimes people can feel pressured to come out, but I encourage you to do it in your own time. The truth is, there is a spectrum of how people's parents react to this kind of news. On one end, you may have the parents who shut a person out and are abusive, and on the opposite side you may have parents that are totally okay with it and throw you a "Coming Out" party. Most parents are going to fall somewhere in the middle. It is important to remember that theirfeelings may change over time. Many parents struggle at first, but they love their kids and get better with it over time. If you decide to tell them, consider taking someone along to support you. Plan ahead on what you want to say. It can be an emotional time, so do what you need to do to take care of yourself. If you need to, leave. You don't have to stay anywhere where someone is being cruel to you. I wish you well, and good luck.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC |
I work two jobs and go to school for criminal justice. Over the summer, my father had a stroke. It was very devastating. My father isn't the same, and my family fights every day. I have been kicked out the house many times. I break down a lot. | How do I handle all of my stress? | You undoubtedly are carrying a huge weight on your shoulders. Stressors come in many forms and you are engulfed in a few of the major ones as it relates to dealing with the declining health of your father, family conflict, as well as trying to balance a work and school schedule. Stress, if left unchecked has many negative health related implications. First and foremost I would recommend going to see a counselor at your college/university. Most colleges have counseling centers for students that usually allow for 5-6 free counseling sessions (your tuition actually pay for these sessions so take advantage of them). Secondly I would advise you to take a minute and breathe. When confronted with overwhelming life issues it is common to busy ourselves in an attempt to distract ourselves from the drama, but sometimes that can compound our stress. When dealing with stress it is important that you engage in self care. In other words find time to engage in activities that bring you a sense of peace, enjoyment, and fulfillment in order that you may get a momentary release from your daily hectic life. Even with a normal life there is no way to escape stress, it is inevitable and a part of life, but how you deal with stress, as well as how you take care of yourself in the midst of these whirlwind events will determine your quality of life. I hope this helps... |
I saw my mother cheating on my dad before. I said something to her, and she said it was in the past. Yesterday, I saw her texting dirty things to the same guy. Should I talk to her again? I don't want my parents to go their separate ways, I just want her to stop. it's not fair. | What should I do if I found out one of my parents are cheating? | You as the child in the middle of your parents' problems is the worse position to be in. I can only imagine your hurt, pain and confusion on what to do. Honestly, this is a hard question to answer without knowing your age, your parents' ability to handle hearing information from you and your maturity to handle what may happen in the end. One thing I would like to note....your parents may be in the same house but if your mother is cheating, they have already gone their separate ways. |
I avoid talking to him because he always makes me more upset. I can't be honest with him about anything because he is always rude to me. | How can I be more open and honest with my dad? | Hi Troy, I totally get this. It's a dilemma; you want your dad to know how he's hurting you but you don't feel safe enough to say anything to him. Your reaction is understandable; it's his responsibility as a parent to work harder than you to create that safe place for you to be open. But that's not who your dad is. Your dad is your dad, and waiting for him to change won't really help. Nothing you do can change your dad, but...there are things you can do for yourself and your relationship with him.While your response of avoiding him is understandable, I wonder what effect it has on your dad. It's possible that he's feeling frustrated, rejected and punished by your withdrawal. You may think he knows that you're feeling hurt, but he probably doesn't. So this is the squirrel chasing its tail: your dad is rude, so your habit is to be silent, then he maybe feels abandoned and frustrated. His frustration comes out as more rudeness, which makes you want to withdraw more, and the cycle starts all over again. You can't change his part of the cycle but you can change yours.Are you willing to take a risk? Can you be honest about how you're feeling? What's the worst thing that could happen if you said to your dad "You know why I avoid you? I stay silent because when I talk to you say rude things. So if you want me to talk, I need to know you can listen." I imagine it would come out differently because you're a few generations younger than me, but put that into your own words.I don't know the level of your dad's 'rudeness'. If he is abusive, then a better plan is to see a therapist alone or talk to someone about this. I don't want to put you at any risk. But if you don't worry your dad will hurt you, maybe give honesty a try.My point is that, as rude as your dad may be, checking out of a relationship by being silent is also rude. It's powerful...your silence. Your dad can't read your mind, and if you want things to be better you will need to get in that ring with him.And, if you're both open to it, seeing a therapist together can be really helpful. :) |
I'm in a lesbian relationship, and my mother doesn't really approve | It can be very difficult, when our parents do not approve of significant aspects of who we are. As children, we need our parents approval, and as adults, we often still desire it. Some things I am wondering about are, how do you feel about your sexuality and your relationship with your mother? Is there anything you would like to have different in your relationship with your mother? I don't know if these questions resonate with you or not, but if there are some conflicted feelings in regards to your mother, working with a competent therapist may be a good way of getting clarity about how you would like to move forward. |
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She is living with her boyfriend of seven years. He is in therapy for depression and social anxiety. He hasn't worked in all this time. | My daughter is in her 30s, not married, and pregnant. How can I break the news to the family? | Congrats on your upcoming grandchild!Does your daughter want you to break news of her pregnancy, to the family?Talk with your daughter first, whether or not she would like you to tell other family members.Also, given the other facts you mention in your post, if household and financial management are areas you feel your daughter is vulnerable, then bring up these topics too.Stay open minded about your daughter having views which are different from yours. |
She is living with her boyfriend of seven years. He is in therapy for depression and social anxiety. He hasn't worked in all this time. | My daughter is in her 30s, not married, and pregnant. How can I break the news to the family? | Hi New York, There is no need for shame here; no one's done anything wrong! A pregnancy is a glorious gift to be celebrated.I wonder what gets in the way of you celebrating your daughter's pregnancy?Are they excited about it? I bet they are. They've been together for seven years. Even if it caught them off guard, the best thing for them and this new baby is to celebrate the joy of this new little person and their growing family. If you are happy for them and help spread their joy, how marvelous would that be for them as a family?New York, I will be honest with you; I hope that's okay. I sense that maybe you are feeling judgemental towards them. Do you dislike or judge his struggle with mental illness? Do you see him as less than worthy because he hasn't worked? I don't know for sure, but I imagine maybe his anxiety and depression get in the way of working. Maybe he's on a social disability? Mental illness doesn't make someone less lovable or valuable as a partner. He's getting help for himself and that's wonderful.If your daughter loves him and is happy with him... If he is her chosen man, then they absolutely need your support, not your judgement. And if they struggle as a couple, you know what...they will need it even more!Is this your first grandchild? If not, then I don't have to say this, but if it is...you are in for the most amazing adventure of your lifetime. You will fall in love so deeply with this child. S/he needs that...this baby needs your love and support.So, you say to your family... "I have amazing news! My daughter is expecting a baby! I'm going to be a grandparent!! I can't wait". |
I keep being mean to my best friend, and I don't know why all the time. I did come to maybe some kind of conclusion that it is because my mother is mean to me all the time. Could that be a cause? | Can a person be mean towards another person if that person was treated poorly before? | Hi Morristown,There's a saying that goes "hurt people hurt people". It's possible that your aggression towards your friends is connected to your mother's behaviours. When we are treated poorly, especially as children, it affects how we ourselves, others, and the world. It's also powerful modelling of aggressive behaviour.The good news is that you have this lovely awareness and I think a desire to learn about yourself and grow in your ability to be respectful to people you care about. I recommend you consider sitting down with a therapist and exploring these ideas and moving forward on that path you seem to want to be on. Good luck! |
My mom and I have been fighting a lot now, and I just want a good relationship with her. | How can I have a better relationship with my mom? | The best way to work on a relationship is for both people to engage with the problem and start communicating with each other more effectively. One of the hardest things about this, however, is getting both people within the relationship to recognize that they are both responsible for the successes and failures within the relationship and remove all the all-or-nothing blame.The best style of communication is open and asking for clarification; why not try asking your mother why this particular fight/situation is eliciting such an angry response. Often, the simple act of expressing that we don't understand the other person's point of view can open the doors to better levels of communication. The hardest part is trying to remain humble as we seek out that clarification and avoid the blaming language we are so used to using in such times. |