questionText
stringlengths 0
2.69k
| questionTitle
stringlengths 0
181
| answerText
stringlengths 0
2.91k
|
|---|---|---|
Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | How can I deal with a crush in a relationship? | Did your girlfriend tell you her reason to tell you about the new person?Your feelings of insecurity is natural because you don't know where the crush fits into her life.Since any long-lasting relationship in which both people thrive, means each partner freely speaks their mind and will be listened and responded, then your current situation is a good one to start these foundations of talking with one another.Tell your girlfriend whatever is on your mind regarding her crush. As your trusted partner, theoretically she would like to know all about how you feel.Keep the expectation that talking about anything at all, is the best sign of closeness.Once you learn more about this crush you can decide what, if anything to do differently in your relationship. |
Ive been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says its just a crush but I don't know how to cope with it. How should I deal with this? | How can I deal with a crush in a relationship? | Those words must have been extremely difficult to hear or read. It sounds like you are both having difficulty with the distance, and I can only imagine that you have both been coping with this distance as well as you can. There are a few scenarios that I think would have pretty radically different paths for your own mental health, and I would like to explore them separately.The first scenario is that she has this crush, but still chooses you and wishes to stay with you. Keeping the value of her choice in mind, and the bravery she has shown in admitting this crush, handling her gently in that vulnerable place will pay off. You may find it worthwhile to explain your feelings about it, to share how it is hurting you to know of this, and what she means to you. Explaining those feelings will help you to not act out in your with emotions to cover up by becoming angry or withdrawing. Acting in this way will help assure her of her choice in you, and sharing these emotions and feeling supported by her may help you cope with this.The other scenario is that she has a crush on this man and she is wanting to leave the relationship with you to have one with this other person. As before, it would be useful for you to share your feelings with someone. It can be difficult to process through these emotions, as they are intense and often overwhelming. In this scenario, it may be too difficult to share these feelings with your girlfriend, but it is still important that you acknowledge this loss and allow the associated emotions to have its place. Grieving the end of this relationship could be a great source of personal growth.I hope this has been of some help. |
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I've been really sad lately and for the past few months I've realized I'm just way too dependent on him. It makes me really upset to be so dependent on someone else, but I can't help it. I don't even know who I am without him. How can I be less dependent on my him? | How can I be less dependent on my boyfriend? | First sending you This would be the clingy or needy action yes. I would suggest talk therapy finding someone to share these feeling with a professional. One that has spiritual counseling background like myself so we can work on self care and self love. Til then here are some tips:!- Breathe- You may find yourself not allowing yourself this.2- Take a break- It is healthy to pursue other things so that you are not so needy3- Connect- Practice Mindfulness not Mind Full.5- Beauty Journaling- I have this awesome beauty self care journal you can get on amazon. It will help you to start. |
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I've been really sad lately and for the past few months I've realized I'm just way too dependent on him. It makes me really upset to be so dependent on someone else, but I can't help it. I don't even know who I am without him. How can I be less dependent on my him? | How can I be less dependent on my boyfriend? | Dependency doesn't necessarily need to be a negative, as there is a moderate amount that comes with a healthy relationship. I.E., depending on your boyfriend to be emotionally there for you when you have a bad day is a sign of healthy relationship between you.It sounds like your dependency on your boyfriend has gotten to a place that is causing you discomfort and distress. It seems like doing some introspection, reflection, and work on yourself will help you individuate your identity and find yourself as an entity separate from your relationship. This takes effort! We have to spend literal time with ourselves in order to create space for our own identity.Start with a simple exercise like compiling a list of values or core beliefs that you hold and that are important to you, and try to uncover the things that remain both inside and outside your current relationship; the things that you know would exist for you no matter who you're sharing your life with. Follow this by evaluating how much of those values are supported in your life, and how you could align your life more with them and give your energy to the things that are important to youridentity. It's okay if they're also important to your relationship, that's how humans work!Doing this work can help you get back in touch with who you authentically are, and allows you to build insight around your needs and boundaries. |
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I've been really sad lately and for the past few months I've realized I'm just way too dependent on him. It makes me really upset to be so dependent on someone else, but I can't help it. I don't even know who I am without him. How can I be less dependent on my him? | How can I be less dependent on my boyfriend? | Create what I call the Intimacy Incubator where you begin to self-generate the love acceptance validation sense of belonging you feel you get from him. Start to lessen the dependency more and more over time until you feel you are not as dependent upon him.What exactly does he do for you that helps your sadness? Find ways to give that to yourself, or find other activities that lift your spirit that do not include your being so dependent on him. Also consider if you were in his shoes and you had been bestowed the responsibilities of being someones soul key to joy, and how consuming that could be. If someone you knew were in your shoes what would you advise?This video could be of benefit3 STEPS to HEAL |
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I've been really sad lately and for the past few months I've realized I'm just way too dependent on him. It makes me really upset to be so dependent on someone else, but I can't help it. I don't even know who I am without him. How can I be less dependent on my him? | How can I be less dependent on my boyfriend? | From what you write you've got good motivation to change and awareness as to what you'd like to change.These are very good predictors that you'll be successful in what you'd like to change.Try, the next time you realize you're depending on your bf instead of friends, yourself, to interrupt whatever typical action you'd take.Do something different instead!If when you'd like advice and usually ask your bf, ask a different trusted someone.Or, when you feel lonely, contact a friend or introspect on your own if usually you'd contact your bf.Also, being dependent on a bf is part of a trusting intimate relationship. Dependency in the sense that you each are reliably available to each other, is a good quality.Only if it seems excessive, such as you're isolating yourself from other close friendships, is dependency on a partner, a problem. |
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I've been really sad lately and for the past few months I've realized I'm just way too dependent on him. It makes me really upset to be so dependent on someone else, but I can't help it. I don't even know who I am without him. How can I be less dependent on my him? | How can I be less dependent on my boyfriend? | Recognizing that you're too dependent on your boyfriend can be a wakeup call and an excellent opportunity to work on your own personal growth and independence. It sounds like it's time to explore and develop your own interests and engage in some activities that excite and challenge you. If you have time, it could be useful to begin a new activity or class, cultivate friendships outside of your relationship with your boyfriend, and begin to reflect and meditate on ways to enhance your own personal fulfillment. |
I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much. | My ex-boyfriend say we're finished but still acts like we aren't | If I understand you correctly, this "maybe-boyfriend" has done a partial break up, and wants to maintain a partial relationship. Is that ok with you? And, if it is, what does it cost you? He says he's "done" but still wants the connection. That seems to leave him free to explore other options, but it doesn't allow you to do the same.Break ups are painful, and I know you'd like to avoid that. I get it that you feel attached to him - you have been in a relationship with him for 4 years, so that makes sense. However, loving him appears to be costing you a lot, without much in return.If you wait for him to define what he wants, you could be on hold for a long time.Please don't wait another year to advocate for yourself. See a therapist who can help you figure out what you need out of relationships and why you have allowed yourself to be on "pause". It is possible that once you get clear, you will be able to have a true relationship with him. If not, please don't settle for this.Take good care of yourself. |
I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much. | My ex-boyfriend say we're finished but still acts like we aren't | That does sound very confusing...and hurtful. You do not have to tolerate someone treating you in a way that hurts you. It may be helpful to decide where the boundaries are for you and to stay true to them in your interactions with him. You teach other people how they are allowed to treat you. |
I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much. | My ex-boyfriend say we're finished but still acts like we aren't | Have you brought up the topic as to the way you're feeling?The best way for someone to understand us or to understand someone, is to directly talk about the specific problem.To start the discussion w your partner, understand your own reasons for continuing the relationship.Given his stated disinterest in the relationship, your mood is probably affected by this.Once you are clear on how the range of your feelings, especially any fears on being alone, suggesting you may be staying w this guy simply to avoid such fears, then you'll be ready w your self-knowledge, to start a conversation w your partner about your relationship. |
I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much. | My ex-boyfriend say we're finished but still acts like we aren't | This can be difficult and confusing.If you think your boyfriend would be open to having a discussion, try asking him for a time when he is willing to have an important discussion. When that time matches with a time that is good for you, try discussing the type of relationship that you each want to have and what you can start and stop doing to get there. He may want to be really good friends. He may also be trying to figure out what he is feeling.If you end up talking over one another, try letting one person be the one who is talking about their feelings for about five minutes and during that time, try having the other person asked questions to gain more understanding of their experience. Then you can switch. Also consider asking questions that cannot be answered with yes or no, but lead to more explanations.Questions that start with the words how, what, when, who are usually better than questions starting with "why" because they can be emotional triggers for some people.If this is difficult to do between the two of you, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in couples. |
I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone? | I just feel so alone | You are valid! Do you have anyone in your life you feel you can trust and feel uplifted when you are around them? Sometimes e have to create our own tribe, soul family, of people who fill our cup, leading us to feel good about life and ourselves. Also filling our own cup with knowing we are valid, worthy, enough. The people in your life now may not be the ones who can do that for you, but there are people who can, it is a matter of seeking them out and finding them. Also in the meantime, fill your own cup, with the love, acceptance, belonging, and validation you seek. I wanted to share this videoI am ENOUGH - Guided Meditation |
I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone? | I just feel so alone | We feel alone because we are not comfortable with being our self. When you find that nobody is around do you feel alone? Your never alone. Once you take the journey to really understand who you are and unconditionally loving all that is you, there will never be an alone moment.We seek outside of self to fill inside. This is the big lie of the planet. All you need and have ever needed you supply yourself.www.lifecounselingorlando.com |
I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone? | I just feel so alone | Hello there. Thank you for sharing your heart here. I want to start off by saying, in kind of an ironic way, your struggle is something many people go through, I might say quite often. Many feel alone with one another quite frequently. THe reasons for feeling alone vary much between person to person. In reading how you presented things, I will just respond from how this strikes me. Sometimes feeling alone might be the result of not completing the second half of the equation; meaning that although people "listen" it wont necessarily equate the elimination of being alone. Instead, its whenyou follow up by inquiring and listening to others thatyou may discover they feel and think and struggle just like you do.And as a result, you discover you really were never alone; when people discover common struggle and feelings, we are connected. Second, we as humans are sometimes feeling alone because we may be lacking some self-acceptance. Not fully accepting myself or situation , can be in the way of feeling the presence of others or the hearing the voice of others too.Or in other words, not bein'ok' withmyself makes it difficult being with others. Third; feeling alone may be us not clear on what we are really needing from another person? These are just some thoughts to consider. Aloneness feels so real; and yet it has much to do with our perspective and view of things... we are all alone in a crowded world until we speak and listen more closely.Kindly-keith hughes M.A. keithcounseling.com |
I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone? | I just feel so alone | Although we can have moments when we feel alone, even with the presence of family and friends, feeling alone most of the time could be a sign that there is a lack of connection between you and your loved ones. Generally, the lack of connection can occur when you don't feel heard, understood or valued. These are common emotional needs that result in a good and secure emotional connection that reduces feelings of loneliness.You mentioned that "they listen but don't understand." Do you communication clearly about what you need emotionally (understood, accepted, valued, heard, empathized)? To help you ask for the right type of support, you can ask yourself what it is about the situation that is bothering you and how you would wish for your friends and family to respond to you. The result may be an answer that is more informative to your loved ones. For example, you might say, "Thank you for listening to me. When I feel alone, I feel like nobody cares about me because everybody seems busy with their lives. I just wanted to hear and feel that I'm valued by receiving caring messages and phone calls."Dr. Virginia Chowwww.psychologyresource.ca |
I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone? | I just feel so alone | You ask a very deep and sensitive question which reflects good self-awareness.It is possible you are a more sensitive and aware person than the people whom you describe as listening and not really hearing you.Not everyone has the same capacity or willingness to pay careful attention to what is going on in life.Maybe for right now, until you are able to find in person friends whom you're able to feel hear you the way you'd like to be heard, find online forums and groups of likeminded people.If you google a topic which you wish your friends would be better at understanding, there will be scores of groups, including google groups, which come up.You're not alone in the sense that there are definitely people on this earth who are sensitive, caring, and willing to talk and understand others. |
I don't know how to tell someone how I feel about them. How can I get better at expressing how I feel? | Why is it hard for me to express myself? | I wanted to share these two short books (see below). You could also look into working on your throat chakra which deals with speaking your truth, self-expression, being heard.Communication Crunch High Impact Communication |
I don't know how to tell someone how I feel about them. How can I get better at expressing how I feel? | Why is it hard for me to express myself? | "Practice makes perfect"!Simply by expressing yourself and listening to if others listen and understand you, then modifying your next try with whatever improvements you think of based on the impressions you feel others have of you, will progress your self-expression.Also, one way to lessen the tension before speaking to someone is to tell them you feel unsure on how best to express yourself. This way you've prepared them to be patient with whatever words you do state. |
We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going? | How can I keep a long distance relationship going? | Hello. You are asking a very good question about how to sustain a long-distance relationship. Although maintaining a long-distance relationship has its challenges, with the proper communication, commitment, and understanding, many long-distance couples are able to thrive and maintain a close connection.Without knowing more about the "complicated" nature of your relationship, I wonder whether your boyfriend has given you reason not to trust him that makes afraid that he will find someone else. Has he cheated on you in the past and has shown romantic interest to another person that made you fear losing him? Or, is your thought just a fear but not based on evidence? Knowing that distinction is important because if it is the latter, you may benefit from refocusing on the wonderful qualities about your partner that makes you feel good about him and the relationship rather than focusing on the unknown or uncertainty of the future. The more you focus on "what if" situations, the more you may feel anxious about a reality that is not accurate and make you act in ways that are insecure.However, if there is reason for you to question his fidelity, you may have to speak to your boyfriend about how to build trust in the context of a long-distance relationship. To help the conversation, you may need to consider what you may need to experience or receive as support to feel safe in the relationship to build trust. Is that you wish him to contact you regularly, or to include you more in his life, or to make a clear commitment? For many of my clients in my private practice, that may include talking to their partner often and using a variety of modalities including text, phone, and Skype. It's hard to believe in a relationship when you never talk to your partner, and it's hard to build a relationship when you don't know what's going on in your partner's life. Other times, it is Making sure they talk often to their long-distance partner so that they can participate in each others lives and to feel their presence.. Regular communication, understanding and caring is the key to sustaining any relationship, but this is especially true for long-distance ones.Dr. Virginia Chowwww.PsychologyResource.ca |
We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going? | How can I keep a long distance relationship going? | Communication is key! Find ways to communicate as often as possible. Also,evaluate if you trust him, that goes a long way to know how to keep the relationship going. This Article Could Be of assistance.Long Distance Relationships: A Survival Guide |
We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going? | How can I keep a long distance relationship going? | Loving someone in the military is hard. My husband and I joined the USAF two months after we got married! How long do you expect to be apart? Do you have access to Skype or something similar? How far away from each other are you? Can you meet half way periodically? I have a number of military friends who have dates over the miles with facebook live. They pick a restaurant, order, and talk about their day. It's super cute and sweet. What are some things that you have tried? |
We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going? | How can I keep a long distance relationship going? | You're wise to be aware of possible changes to your relationship once your bf is away from you for extended time periods.All you both can do is state your intentions and wishes, keep in contact as much as possible, and wait to see how your relationship unfolds.To a large degree, each of you is relying on faith that if the relationship is meant to last for a while, then it will. The military may add stress.This doesn't necessarily mean the stress will dissolve the relationship.Sometimes all anyone is able to do, is try. |
I have high functioning autism and I have been on a lot of dating sites like meet me, match, and zoosk. I haven't had any luck on any of the dating sites I have been on. I really want a boyfriend but I don't know what I should do. I just want to be in a relationship. How can I meet someone? | Why doesn't any guy want to date me? | Are there dating sites for people who have autism on the high functioning end?If not, then find out the names of different organizations which support people who have autism. At least one of these groups will have some guidance as to social activities for dating or even specific sites for dating when autism is a criteria.All the rejection on dating sites is rough for anyone to handle.How do you know that you're being passed over by guys who are on dating sites because you have autism? Any reason is possible.Unless you've heard from a few particular guys that their reason for looking beyond you is because of your autism, it is possible you're in the same boat as everyone else who feels similarly frustrated by dating site rejection! |
I have high functioning autism and I have been on a lot of dating sites like meet me, match, and zoosk. I haven't had any luck on any of the dating sites I have been on. I really want a boyfriend but I don't know what I should do. I just want to be in a relationship. How can I meet someone? | Why doesn't any guy want to date me? | Hiki is a friendship and dating app for the Autistic community. It is a place to feel safe, find friendship or love, and most importantly, to be yourself. Also try disabledmate.comOr goggle dating sites for the autistic. This will allow you to date someone who understands and allows you to start out with someone who is compassionate and sensitive to your unique needs, desires, preferences. |
Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand? | My girlfriend is always accusing me of cheating on her when I haven't | We women really do tend to struggle with the comparison game. And Hollywood culture hasn't helped with romantic comedies and song lyrics telling us that when a man appears evasive, there's something to worry about.It's been my clinical experience though that most women value transparency and security in their relationships. So you might try sharing a little bit more about your history with this woman. For example:Where did you meet her?How long were you friends before you decided to call it quits?Why don't you want to be friends with her (i.e., what do you mean by "kind of crazy")? I promise this tends to matter to women.Were you ever intimately involved with or even attracted to her?If your girlfriend can truly see that you view her as the filet mignon to the other woman's hamburger, and that she is your favorite person on the planet and has NOTHING to worry about, she may start to come around.Now, IF she's more concerned that you might be taking this woman's calls behind your back, while I'm not typically a huge fan of sharing passwords or phone records, you might print them off and highlight this female's number and show your girlfriend that you absolutely are telling the truth.And if you really want to step it up, I would be intentional about doing all the little things that you know your girlfriend loves that helped make her fall in love with you in the first place (e.g., little love notes for her to find or sweet text messages, buy a rose or her favorite flower, have her car detailed, do the laundry...date nights...you get the idea). Bottom line - show your girlfriend why out of all the women on the planet that you could be with, you CHOSE HER. And would continue to do so all over again. AND why you love HER as a person. This will help her trust what you're saying.Best of luck to you! Tamara Powell, LMHC |
Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand? | My girlfriend is always accusing me of cheating on her when I haven't | One area to view is trust. If she does not trust you then that is an area to delve deeper. Sometimes people project onto others what they are dealing with themselves. |
Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand? | My girlfriend is always accusing me of cheating on her when I haven't | Do you know why your girlfriend doesn't believe you?It is strange that your girlfriend prefers you to take the phone call of another woman.Have you blocked the unwelcome phone calls?Has your girlfriend said she doesn't believe you or is this your interpretation?Find out the answer and then ask your girlfriend to tell you her reasons behind her thoughts.It is much easier to help someone understand a situation if the person is engaged in a conversation.Whether or not she understands is up to her.All you can be responsible to do is to offer your explanation, which sounds like you've already substantially offered.Keep or reintroduce the topic for the two of you to talk about again. |
Over a year ago I had a female friend. She turned out to be kind of crazy so I decided to stop talking to her. When she would call me I wouldn't answer the phone. This made my girlfriend really suspicious. She would ask me why I wouldn't ever answer that phone number. I told my girlfriend that I don't want to be friends with that other woman, but I don't think she believes me. How can I get my girlfriend to understand? | My girlfriend is always accusing me of cheating on her when I haven't | Open and honest communication can go a long way in situations like yours. Your girlfriend may be suspicious if you don't give her enough information. Answer her questions fully. Ask for her suggestions as to how to handle this female friend. Ask for your girlfriend for help in getting the female friend to understand that you are not interested in continuing the friendship. If you are honest with your friend, your girlfriend will probably feel like you are being honest with her. |
I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love? | I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him | The basic guideline for relationship satisfaction, is to know what you can and cannot live with and without. And, since you are considering marriage, for how long do you imagine yourself being satisfied living with and without certain qualities of your partner.There is a hard wired dynamic between two people that defines the basic structure of the relationship.While life is filled with surprises and can change in an instant, the basic way in which the partners of a couple, connect.Do you understand why you are not attracted to your partner? Whatever the reason, now is a good time to state this about yourself. He may be quite willing and interested in developing new ways of sexually stimulating you. Maybe he is just as shy about talking about this topic as you are. On some level he must know that he doesn't satisfy you. He may be relieved to hear you bring up the topic!As always, remember that if discussing a relationship matter feel hard to start, consider utilizing therapy services with a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist. |
I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love? | I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him | Hi Montgomery,Your first sentence says it all. He might be an amazing person, but there's something missing for you. I'm curious...you say this is a long distance relationship. Did you make a connection through social media or email first? Maybe a dating website? I'm just wondering if this is the case. These modern ways of meeting people are awesome because we can be exposed to a wide variety of people who we never would meet in the grocery store or a friend's party. There are complications, though, and one of the drawbacks is you can feel very connected to someone and care about them a great deal before you ever meet them in person. Then, when you finally meet them and there isn't that spark of magnetic physical attraction, you're in a bit of a difficult spot because you've already established that you're drawn to each other in other ways; you're already connected. It can be very awkward then to say "Now that I meet you, it doesn't feel the way it should for me". In the future, I suggest meeting up in person early on, to answer that crucial question "Are we physically attracted to each other?". Clearly, this is not only important for you, but it is for most of us.My guess is that you feel you owe this man your affection and commitment even though you're not really all that into him (lusting after other men is a sign of that), because you like absolutely everything else about him. But honesty is crucial here, both with yourself and this man. Just because you don't find yourself attracted to him doesn't mean that you're a bad person, or that he's not attractive. Someone else might drool over him and I think he deserves someone who does just that. You can have both love and lust. For most people, only one of them isn't enough. |
I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love? | I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him | Attraction is important but sometimes over-rated. I'm curious about your comment that you are not as attracted as you "should be" - What is your measuring stick is for what you are supposed to feel in terms of attraction in a relationship? Do you want to be sexually intimate? Do you enjoy having sex with him? Are you satisfied with your sexual relationship when you are with him?The fact that there is lust for other more attractive men does not necessarily mean anything. There will always be attractive men and more attractive men than your partner and these attractive men will be even more appealing when you are in a long-distance relationship far from the arms of your partner. Loving someone does not mean that you stop being a sexual being who no longer notices and desires attractive men.Attraction results from a number of factors beyond appearance - including the degree to which you feel emotionally open, safe, and connected and how in tune you are with each other's bodies. It sounds like you think very highly of this man "everything else is perfect about him". Maybe it is worth spending some more time together in the same place if that is possible before deciding on marriage or that you are not truly in love. |
I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love? | I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him | Long distance relationships have their challenges, and I am wondering if part of the missing attraction is due to the distance. Has the relationship always been long-distance, or is this a change? How do you feel when you are visiting one another? Are you distracted by your lack of feelings of lust for him? Or do those thoughts mostly come up when he's not with you? And the men you find yourself lusting over--are they men you see in real life? Perhaps you are experiencing moments of lust for these other men because it's too painful for you to experience them about someone who is far away and not physically accessible to you.It is normal for physical attraction to ebb and flow over time. And it is normal to be attracted to other people outside of your relationship. Being in love with one partner and building a life does not mean you stop having normal, human urges about other people you find attractive. Being in love doesmean choosing that partner over others despitethose urges of attraction.There are many reasons you might wake up and fall in love all over again. But I would offer that those reasons are harder to experience in a long distance situation. Physical attraction is "easy" because we can experience that reaction based on a picture. But the day-to-day things a partner might do to make you feel loved, secure, cared for, and honored (which could give the same falling in love all over again feeling) are harder to experience and trust when you aren't physically together.If the relationship is great and he's the ideal man in many ways, give some thought to what the next step for your relationship could be other than marriage. Is it possible to spend a significant amount of time together? If your potential marriage wouldn't be a long-distance relationship, then it might be worth exploring what it would be like to be in each other's life day in and day out. |
I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships. How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her? | Why can't I let myself trust my partner? | What's most important is that you recognize that what you've been doing is off base - that what you've been feeling is "overreacting," that you have "insecurities," and you suspect your actions and reactions are connected to your own past and not to the current situation or to your partner. That's an excellent first step because without recognizing these things about yourself, it's unlikely that you would change.That said, you sound as if you are really ready to start some therapy to work on your own personal growth... not because there is something "wrong" with you, but because you're ready to learn more about yourself and make some creative changes in your behavior. Yes, there are lots of self-help books and courses, but we humans often make the most progress when we have support inreal-timefrom another human being who can sit with us, point out our blind spots, and teach us some skills that are hard to learn on our own. |
I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships. How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her? | Why can't I let myself trust my partner? | Two paths are possible.You're not overreacting and instead are genuinely sensing that something feels unsettled within your girlfriend.You are overreacting because you have difficulty accepting how safe and loving your relationship is with this person.The only way to find out is to start conversations with your girlfriend on how you feel.This will allow new light to open an answer as to the truth.Once you know what truly is going on between the two of you, your self-trust naturally will grow stronger.Self-trust will give you an accurate read of what and whom you are able to safely trust. |
I've been with my partner for 4 years. She's given me no reason not to trust her. But lately I've been overreacting a lot when she's just doing normal things. I think it's triggering my bad past relationships. How can I get rid of these insecurities and be more trusting with her? | Why can't I let myself trust my partner? | Remember that all relationships center around 3 simple values: HonestyTrustand Respect......in that order, too...If you are unable to trust, then you are fundamentally dishonest about something in yourself;Moreover, whatever you do not honestly experience, you do not honestly express out to another;To be honest with oneself is where most people fall down... and, when you do fall down, pick yourself up... and get back on the horse :) |
However, it seems as though he is really talking to someone other than himself. I have even accused him of having a secret phone. Is he trying to make me crazy on purpose, or is he really talking to himself? | My new husband constantly talks to himself | Some people simply talk to themselves as a way of processing information. Have you checked in with your husband about this in a non-accusatory way? Something like "Hey babe (or whatever sweet name you typically use), I'm so curious what that's all about? Do you notice that you are talking out loud?" Chances are it's just how he thinks things through and is not at all about trying to make you crazy, it's just one of his quirks you'll grow to endear. Early married life is a time full of discovering one another's quirks! |
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong? | My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy | They say three can be a crowd. First ask yourself how you felt when you were with this friend that weekend? Did I feel uncomfortable and was I thinking of my boyfriend the whole time? Did I communicate with my boyfriend that weekend while with my friend? Think about why he maybe reacted to you in this matter and it was a good start on his part to be authentic about his feelings. So what are yours ? |
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong? | My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy | It is not the case of being right or wrong, in my view. If you are asking, I believe you trulycare for your boyfriend. It seems like he is having difficulties in establishing trust in this relationship. The ideal would be to come closer to his upsetness and to show him that you are there for him. I hope all goes well. Rossana Mag. |
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong? | My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy | The most important thing to ask yourself here is, "how did this action affect my relationship, and is it worth the consequences?" Regardless of your intentions in this action, your boyfriend is uncomfortable with this type of behavior. From here, we can objectively decide if spending time with your previous partner (because that is likely what your boyfriend sees them as) is worth harming the relationship you currently have. It is very rare that a person would be comfortable with their partner spending more than a very little amount of time with their exes. Many times, it just gives the wrong impressions. It is very possible that your partner may believe that since you spend so much time with them, that they are still a contender for the most intimate relationship you have to offer, and truth be told, they kind of are. The best intimate relationships, are friendships first and foremost.It is also a good thing to consider what you are getting out of the relationship with your ex that you are not getting out of the relationship with your current boyfriend. If you go to this person for emotional support before your boyfriend, then it is very likely you're involved in some "emotional infidelity". When we turn to others instead of our partner, it is as if we "ran into another person's arms" instead of theirs. No matter who you are, that hurts. |
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong? | My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy | Your boyfriend is probably feeling jealous and maybe threatened by your friend. Does he know you had a relationship with your friend in the past? It is not uncommon for him to feel this way as he was not included in your weekend with both of you. Is it possible for the three of you to spend some time together? If you want to continue your friendship with this friend without it impacting your current relationship with your boyfriend, maybe you can start there and see if everyone can be comfortable with this arrangement. |
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong? | My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy | |
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong? | My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy | Depends on your definition of "wrong" on this one. Was it objectively wrong to spend the weekend with a good friend, who also happens to be an ex? Probably not. But, it upset your current boyfriend, and he is entitled to his feelings if you are in a relationship with him. He may be out of line if he assumes that anything happened between you and your ex that would compromise the relationship, however your boyfriend being upset might also mean that he wanted to spend that kind of weekend with you and did not get to do that.Long story short, it might help your relationship to understand more, and be curious, not judge-y, around what is upsetting for him. Perhaps having empathy for his experience of the behavior could help him to feel more secure with you having relationships with your ex(es). |
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong? | My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy | While you can't be responsible for your boyfriend's feelings, relationships do come with expectations. Both people in a relationship bring their own expectations into it. These expectations are usually unspoken, but result in conflict as you are experiencing here! Your boyfriend expects you not to spend the weekend with this guy. He may expect you not to spend the weekend with any guy at all. He may expect you to spend every single weekend with him! You'll have to decide if his expectations are ones you can live with. Relationships do require some compromise out of concern for our partner, but you get to choose how much you compromise.We get upset about things that make us feel insecure. You spending the weekend with an ex makes your boyfriend feel insecure. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It just means that you have to decide if it's more important for you to maintain your freedom to spend weekends with whomever you wish, or to help your boyfriend feel secure in your relationship.Good luck! Hope that helps,Allison |
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong? | My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy | Hello. There are a number of factors playing into this situation. A former romantic partner coming back onto the scene during a current relationship; you spending alone time (and spending the night) with that former partner; and the uneasy feelings experienced by your current partner (boyfriend). Now those are the ones you have openly expressed. There are very likely other issues that prompted this behavior on your part. You ask if you were wrong. It is not a question I will be able to answer, because it is not one I am meant to answer. It is up to you to find that truth. Now, if you are feeling guilty, was it because of some sexual engagement occurred when you spent the night? If so, you might want to look at why that happened. Do you feel secure in your current relationship? Is this the relationship you want, or do you want to be with the former boyfriend?Important questions, but ones you need to ask and answer. Odds are, there is something that triggered this event to occur and it becomes a focal point in discovering any unexplored discomfort or other issues with your current boyfriend. Seeking relationship counseling can be effective in sorting this out, so be open to that possibility to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.Best of luck to you. |
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong? | My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy | Ideally you and your boyfriend will reach a balance point where you and your boyfriend are each happy with the level of involvement you have with your former boyfriend.Start w a discussion with your current boyfriend as to what specifically he doesn't like about your friendship with your former boyfriend.It is possible that you can answer his concerns as well he can find out from you more as to what the friendship is all about.As a therapist, I've never seen a former romantic relationship become only a friendship. As sincere as you may be in your intention to only keep the friendship with the former relationship partner, if your former boyfriend secretly has romantic feelings for you, then at best, you've got an unclear friendship with this person.The obvious possibility is to socialize together with your current boyfriend and your former one. If neither guy would go for this, then this would show there is an undercurrent of competition for your romantic attention.Basically make your romantic partner's feelings and your own, the major considerations and discuss from this perspective. |
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong? | My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy | This can be a very complicated situation. The boundaries of relationship include the rules to follow in the relationship. It is important to follow the rules of your relationship in regards to each person being able to spend time with exes. If you and your boyfriend agree upon a rule about spending time with exes, then there should be no problem. |
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong? | My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy | Thank you for submitting this question. I think this type of situation can be common for many couples struggling with how to keep friendships with past relationships while being in a new relationship.For me, more information is needed here...but given the information provided, the way I interpret the question is...I'm assuming your boyfriend didn't know you were going to spend the weekend with your good friend? Working off of this assumption, I would suggest beginning an open and honest dialogue with your boyfriend about what specifically upset him? And to talk about your point of view regarding spending the weekend with him. I would also suggest talking about how you both envision your relationship when it comes to spending time with others.If you feel like you can't have this conversation without it going off track, please consider seeing a couples therapist. They can help you begin these important conversations that can help shape and develop the relationship you and your boyfriend long for. |
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong? | My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy | That is a difficult situation and there is no right or wrong. You both need to discuss it and come up with a solution that works for the both of you. You want to spend time with your friend but your boyfriend may feel betrayed by you spending quality time with another man you have been intimate with. There may be a way for you both to get your needs met. Maybe you only spend short periods of time with your friend, not a whole weekend. Or you check in with your boyfriend periodically when you see your friend. It really depends on the two of you. If it becomes too difficult, you may need a neutral party to help you establish appropriate boundaries around this issue. Good luck! |
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends. I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong? | My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy | It's completely understandable that you would have male friends and that you would want to spend time with them. When you cross over from friends to a relationship, it does change things. Some people are very easy going and wouldn't feel threatened by what you did Others would be upset. If your boyfriend is upset by you spending time with this male friend, then you need to talk about it. Each of you needs to express your feelings about the situation and listen to the other with patience and respect. Then you can make a decision on what is best for you and your relationship. Maybe he wouldn't be upset if you saw this friend while you were with your boyfriend. Or maybe your boyfriend would feel better if he got to know this person better and could trust him. Most likely you can come up with a situation that will make both of you comfortable going forward. You didn't do anything "wrong" because it doesn't sound like you intended to hurt your boyfriend. But if you really care about your boyfriend, then you probably care about making him upset. Instead of looking at this issue as a problem, try to look at it as an opportunity to connect. If you can both listen to each other and understand each other, your relationship can become even closer. |
I'm dating a guy I really love. We have our problems, but I could see myself with him long term. But there's this other guy who I've had feelings for for awhile now. He gives me butterflies when we talk, and my heart beats fast when I see he's texted me, which i never felt with my current boyfriend. | How do I pick between two guys? | There are different types of attraction. You said that you've never felt this sort of feeling of your heart beating faster with your current boyfriend. Depending on how long you've been together and if you're looking at different ways of making a life together and getting to know each other on a deeper level, that's a different stage in a relationship and sometimes it feels different. Some people look at it as a difference between levels of passion and compassion, but there are many different terms to try to talk about it.Perhaps with this guy that you really love, you could talk about ways to keep things new and different in the relationship. Maybe you can leave notes for each other during the day or have a small surprise at random intervals (maybe an invitation to a picnic, for example).As for the other guy who makes your heart beat faster, what do you see in him? You said you really love the other guy, which is why I'm asking.What do you look for in the person who you want to be with long-term (whoever that is)? |
I'm dating a guy I really love. We have our problems, but I could see myself with him long term. But there's this other guy who I've had feelings for for awhile now. He gives me butterflies when we talk, and my heart beats fast when I see he's texted me, which i never felt with my current boyfriend. | How do I pick between two guys? | Decide your purpose in being part of a relationship.Fastbeating heartbeat sounds exciting, and usually goes gradually away.If you'd like excitement, then the heartbeat guy is for you.If you're trying to find a partner who will be with you for a long time then the first guy fits this agenda.You could also test out your theories by discussing with each of them their opinion of why they are with you and whether they would like a long term relationship or playfulness and fun.Best relationship is when each partner wants something similar as the other! |
My ex-boyfriend and I have been back and forth for over a year now. He's in his late 20s, divorced for like five years now with two kids. He has a lot of narcissistic behaviors. He lies and cheats, but I love him. I've tried to date other people, but I always go back to him. | How do I fix or leave a bad relationship? | Try to figure out why you go back to him.Love is never enough reason to sustain a relationship.Though your love may feel and be very real, the fact of the frequent breaks show that some quality or dynamic within the relationship is not satisfying enough to sustain the two of you.Always people are better off with some time separation between relationships. This gives a chance to know what you were looking for and din't find in the ended relationship.Dating other people before you have time to understand what did and didn't work well in a relationship, will make the new dates seem like a lacking comparison to the first guy.Also, lying and cheating are very demoralizing. Maybe your higher self tries to take you out from this situation and you first need to strengthen your spirit in order to follow your own best interest. |
My ex-boyfriend and I have been back and forth for over a year now. He's in his late 20s, divorced for like five years now with two kids. He has a lot of narcissistic behaviors. He lies and cheats, but I love him. I've tried to date other people, but I always go back to him. | How do I fix or leave a bad relationship? | There are a lot of pieces to the decision of whether to stay or leave. Can you have open conversations about your concerns? Is he able to listen to that? I'm not sure how you know for sure that he lies and cheats, but does he recognize these things as problems? Which part of you is bigger: the part of you that wants to stay or the part of you that wants to leave? Can you consider what you want, wish for, and desire while also considering the same for him? Can he do that for you? |
I have been holding myself for nearly a month. I can not bear it. He is isolated from everybody, and I want to help, but I cannot find him. | How can I handle my boyfriend being reported missing? | If you mean he has been reported to police as missing, then this is different than him deciding to make himself unavailable to you and others.If the police cannot find him, then there is a level of risk or secrecy to his whereabouts beyond someone simply shutting themselves off temporarily from others.The best you can do is self-comfort from the surprise and possibly shock of his behavior.From your description, whether or not he reappears is up to him returning or up to police skill to locate him.This is beyond the ordinary abilities of average everyday people, even those who are involved relationship wise with someone. |
I'm in a relationship with my fianc and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice? | My fianc cheated. How can we mend our relationship? | I'm sorry for the stress and unhappiness stemming the problem you describe.Trust your instinct that there is more complexity to feeling good about being in a partnership than simply wanting this to happen.In any relationship, the complexities of each person combine. Often people accept when this feels good and are lost as to what to do when natural human complexity, doesn't match up with our partner in the way we'd like.A couples' therapist would be able to help each of you talk about the factors motivating the cheating, as well as clarify the reasons you each have for continuing to stay together.The unique advantage of couple's therapy is that each person is able to hear their partner talk out loud about themselves and their partner.This is sometimes enormously helpful since our inner thoughts are often hidden yet very dominant in how we direct ourselves in relationships.Sometimes the initial consult session offers enough new understanding that a second session wouldn't be necessary for a while.Good luck in finding your relationship happiness! |
I'm in a relationship with my fianc and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice? | My fianc cheated. How can we mend our relationship? | What Makes Love Last? how to build trust and avoid betrayal by John Gottman is a great book for you both to start reading. You may also want to invest some time and energy in couples therapy. It sounds like there is a lack of trust in your relationship, likely a hangover from your beginnings, that would be helpful for you both to work through to truly be able to forgive and move forward. |
I'm in a relationship with my fianc and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice? | My fianc cheated. How can we mend our relationship? | Hello, I know this is a tough situation your going through and it has you questioning everything but one thing is certain, and that is that you still love her, dealing with the hurt can be very challenging but after learning from your mistake you changed and became more faithful and loving and the comfort knowing she forgave you, is what made you love her more and less likely to hurt her once again. You live and you learn, she will soon realize her mistake and her outtake may be the same yours was. But marriage is a special bond in front of God, which means once you are officially married, cheating and lieing to eachother will only lead to an early divorce. Practice in your pre-marriage state with speaking to her and opening up to eachother about what you feel and what you look forward to in this marriage. It's possible she's seeking something from someone else because she is not receiving it in her own relationship, improve, grow and be strong. Learn from your mistakes |
I'm in a relationship with my fianc and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice? | My fianc cheated. How can we mend our relationship? | My first question for you would be to see if you've talked with her about it yet? You mentioned you found out....and I know this can be so painful. It can also be frightening to bring up the experience when it hurts a lot, when you feel so unsettled as you mention. But you can look at this as a vital and important piece of information about what's happening in your relationship, and an invitation to get really honest and genuine with each other.You have a long history, being together 9 years, and a son, so you are very bonded no matter what changes happen in your relationship. It may be incredibly helpful to find a counselor you can both go talk with. Having a third party who is neutral and cares about your process and hers can be such a relief when you need to discuss things you feel scared about. Even just a few sessions can make a huge difference.If this doesn't feel possible for you right now.....ask your fiancee for time to set aside for a meaningful heart-to-heart talk. Say you'd like to set it up on the calendar, and make sure you have a babysitter for your son. Set aside at least 4 hours. Let her know that you'd like to hear her honest truth about what's going on, and share with her your truth as well. It's not a time for criticizing or condemning, and I don't sense that is your intention at all--you have a great deal of love for her. Speaking honestly and listening openly is an amazing gift, both for yourself and for your partner. You can do it. |
I met the first man five months ago. I have come a long way and do have feelings for him. I know he would do anything for me and my kids. The man I love is their father, and no matter how many times things haven't been great in the past, I can't help but love him. I know they both love me, and I love both of them. | Should I be with the man who is good for me and my children or the man I love? | The answer depends entirely on which interest is stronger for you.If the reliable caretaker man is not someone with whom you'd have fun, lively conversations, understand each other, be sexually compatible, or romantically attracted, and your primary interest is in someone who' steadily manage the kids, household, and finances, then he is the right one for you!The problem is you may not be happy longterm with someone to whom you feel no romantic compatibility.Consider the drawback if you reach the moment of restlessness romantically and are with someone on whom you depend to take care of your kids.Since you have feelings for him, then wait several months longer to see whether or not you can imagine yourself romantically happy with the steady guy.If the other guy who is also the bio dad, isn't involved with his own kids, then he seems like a poor choice of someone to be with longterm. |
I have had a crush on this guy for years. I last talked to him a few years ago when we graduated from high school. We left off on a good note. Should I message him and see how he is doing, or is it too late? | Should I message my crush? | You'll only find out whether or not it is "too late", by following through with wanting to message him.Regardless of whether the response you receive is what you'd hoped to hear, including not hearing back from him, you will have done yourself a great honor and respect by following through on a wish and curiosity you've had for some time. |
I have had a crush on this guy for years. I last talked to him a few years ago when we graduated from high school. We left off on a good note. Should I message him and see how he is doing, or is it too late? | Should I message my crush? | It's never to late to let a person know how you feel. You never know where it will take you. You don't want to hold this regret of not letting your feelings known and wondering "what if" for the rest of your life. That can be torturous. Now prepare for whatever..if his feelings are the same or if they are not. If they are the same...great. If they are not, feel good that at least you let a person know they hold a special place in your life and wish him love, peace and happiness in his life. |
There's this boy who asked me out awhile ago. I said no because my friends and family would think weirdly of me. How do I be with him and tell him and tell my friends? | How can I be with the boy who liked me? | Since you've decided to be with the boy who already showed you his interest, then why not simply tell him you decided to accept his invitation to be together?Probably your first concern about hesitating to accept this boy into your life due to the way you imagine your family may react if you do, is the more complex matter to solve.Forming a relationship does bring up our values and the way these are different or similar to our own. At the same time, we already have values which are rooted in those from the family in which we grew up.Your dilemma of wanting to be with this boy shows there is a clash between your values as an individual, including your choice of partner, and the way your family understands the values which support being part of a couple.Stay true to what you feel, whether this comes from your family or the way you currently are evolving.This will guarantee that your new relationship will be built on the values and person you truly are. |
We have been together for a little bit, and I love him to death, but my mental health is so unstable. I question everything he does from loving me to if my body is good enough. I'm super jealous for no reason, and my temper is super short. He's pretty much done. He said I have a bit more than a week to fix it. | How do I save my relationship? | Are there ways your partner acknowledges the difficulty to stabilize the questions you ask about your self-worth?Your questions are typical for anyone who feels insecure and unsure. The lack of confidence you feel exists in many other human beings too.Your partner's wish for you to feel better about yourself, is fine. The problem is he seems more interested for you to solve the problem for his sake than for your sake.As long as he considers you an obstacle to his happiness, and not someone he loves and would like to help improve their inner stability, then he doesn't offer you more of his self-interest than of his love.A week is an unrealistic timeframe to cure the subject you describe.Any time line misses the point of how humans evolve and not automatically change.He also is either missing or isn't interested, in supporting your emotional progress. |
About two and a half months ago, I met a woman on a dating site. We went out on two dates, and then despite her original plans on how to pace and conduct the relationship, I ended up at her house on a the Friday night one week after our first date. We respectfully tried not to have sex, but after hours of trying to resist each other, we gave in and we had sex. After that, I slept at her house every night for almost two weeks. Then one day, she went to her familys house on Thanksgiving and everything changed. Within the short time we were together, we got so close and serious really fast. We had finally found each other. We told each other that we loved each other all the time, even while we were making love. A few days after Thanksgiving, she told me that we would have to go back to her original plans of seeing each other much less frequently. I was very hurt and didnt understand. Then another week later, she told me she couldnt do it at all anymore. I was crushed! A few days later, she tells me how much shes missing me and lets get together for lunch or something like that. Then about two weeks later, we finally get together one night and we were so hot for each other (in love, not just sex), but she confessed that the reason for the sudden distance was that the father of her very young child told her he wants to get back together and this totally messed with her. So for her childs sake, she is now considering the possibility of allowing that to happen. She had told me all about him previously, and it is definite that she has little to no attraction to him, but she would do this putting herself in misery again for her child. Our love for each other is fully established and acknowledged, but she is torn and confused. She doesnt even think it would work between them as she had to kick him out before for not fulfilling his role properly. I know she needs time, and all I can do is take care of myself. We have agreed to remain friends, and if this doesnt work out for her, we will try again. Im completely in love with her, and Im in extreme pain. | The love of my life wants to try getting back together with her child's father | That sounds really heartbreaking. It is tough falling in love and not being able to dive fully because of complications on the other side. It sounds to me that you are doing exactly what you need to be doing by taking "care of myself" while the rest sorts itself out. While I admire your desire and courage to stay friends - the "extreme pain" that you mentioned may make this too challenging and at odds with your taking care of yourself. Since there is no commitment on her end to give it a shot with you I would make sure that you really honour your own feelings about what feels right to you so that you don't end up feeling strung along or resentful. Make sure that you lean on friends and family at this time - we need all the support that we can get when we are heartbroken. |
About two and a half months ago, I met a woman on a dating site. We went out on two dates, and then despite her original plans on how to pace and conduct the relationship, I ended up at her house on a the Friday night one week after our first date. We respectfully tried not to have sex, but after hours of trying to resist each other, we gave in and we had sex. After that, I slept at her house every night for almost two weeks. Then one day, she went to her familys house on Thanksgiving and everything changed. Within the short time we were together, we got so close and serious really fast. We had finally found each other. We told each other that we loved each other all the time, even while we were making love. A few days after Thanksgiving, she told me that we would have to go back to her original plans of seeing each other much less frequently. I was very hurt and didnt understand. Then another week later, she told me she couldnt do it at all anymore. I was crushed! A few days later, she tells me how much shes missing me and lets get together for lunch or something like that. Then about two weeks later, we finally get together one night and we were so hot for each other (in love, not just sex), but she confessed that the reason for the sudden distance was that the father of her very young child told her he wants to get back together and this totally messed with her. So for her childs sake, she is now considering the possibility of allowing that to happen. She had told me all about him previously, and it is definite that she has little to no attraction to him, but she would do this putting herself in misery again for her child. Our love for each other is fully established and acknowledged, but she is torn and confused. She doesnt even think it would work between them as she had to kick him out before for not fulfilling his role properly. I know she needs time, and all I can do is take care of myself. We have agreed to remain friends, and if this doesnt work out for her, we will try again. Im completely in love with her, and Im in extreme pain. | The love of my life wants to try getting back together with her child's father | Love doesn't hurt.Your description of the relationship so far, is that you are feeling a lot of emotional pain, alongside a deep attraction for this woman.In some relationships, the benefit of what draws us together with someone, is being able to learn more about our own deep sense of who we are, what we value and care about.This sounds more descriptive of your relationship than that it is a loving one. Your descriptions are of the woman's life, parenting and relationship dilemmas, not about how much of an effort she is willing to make in her life so that the two of you are able to be together for the long term.Try distinguishing your wishes to be loved by this woman with what actually is taking place in everyday life.Being aware of how much love you'd like to give and receive, is valuable self-knowledge.Your ongoing emotional wear and tear of all decisions about the relationship that affect you, being the result of the woman's choices, sounds like the opposite of love.The relationship is very useful as an access in self-understanding of your needs and wishes. It sounds like this is its main value in your life, not that it is sustainable in reality.Good luck! |
I have suffered many things at home and school. We never went to the doctor to diagnose depression or anything like that, but I always feel like a part of my heart is missing. I try to fill it in with objects or, in this case, a woman. | Why do I feel like I always need to be in a relationship? | Maybe the reason is not having confidence in the love you give to yourself.Possibly you consider the quality of your self-love as inferior to love someone else gives you.The best way to push through to your own self-comfort and acceptance is to be aware of this tendency so you can remind yourself to practice appreciating the unique love you give to yourself. |
I have suffered many things at home and school. We never went to the doctor to diagnose depression or anything like that, but I always feel like a part of my heart is missing. I try to fill it in with objects or, in this case, a woman. | Why do I feel like I always need to be in a relationship? | There could be many reasons but often people feel validated when they are in a relationship, the need to be in a relationship can be related to a belief of unlovability which often stems from our childhood. The relationship sort of soothes this temporarily and the others interest or desire helps counteract the ingrained belief. There are many questions that may help understand why, how was your relationship with your mother (caregivers)? How was your childhood etc.?Many people describe having a hole or void they try and fill with material things or people but it only is a temporary fix which usually drives the person to the next relationship, or object in hopes it will be fulfilling but it never is because fulfillment is work we need to do ourselves. This journey involves finding acceptance and love for ourselves. Once we have that we don't need to look elsewhere for fulfillment. |
I have suffered many things at home and school. We never went to the doctor to diagnose depression or anything like that, but I always feel like a part of my heart is missing. I try to fill it in with objects or, in this case, a woman. | Why do I feel like I always need to be in a relationship? | There are a lot of ways to look at this. It sounds as if there is a part of you that is looking for support. I wonder what it is that you feel when you're not in a relationship?Because of the way you asked the question, I'm getting the impression that you are referring to romantic relationships. I wonder if you have close friendships that could form a network to help with this when you are not romantically involved with someone. Even when you are in a relationship with a romantic partner, having friends is still an important element.I wonder if you could also notice what changes for you inside of yourself (as far as emotions) when you move from not being in a relationship to being in one.Perhaps you could take a look at what you value about yourself.In general, it is natural for people to want to be in relationships with others (in this case, relationship has many meanings and degrees). Most of us enjoy sharing elements of our days, thoughts, feelings, etc. with someone else who we trust and care about also hoping they care about us in return. |
I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | I want to become a better man | What an important question, and the fact that you're asking it is a big step in the right direction. To answer in detail would require having quite a bit more information about what "relationship problems" have occurred that woke you up to the fact that you're not listening as well as you could and that you're running the risk of losing her.Given that I don't have all that information, I'll offer one simple suggestion. Your girlfriend is the expert on what she needs and wants in relationship. You could simply say to her that you know you still have a lot to learn about how to have a good relationship and you realize you're not yet understanding what she needs andyou really want to. Then take a deep breath, settle down, and listen. Don't argue, don't interrupt, don't judge... listen. Let her know what you understand and that you're open to hearing more, learning more if you're not quite getting it yet... and then listen some more. Be present and curious about this person you love dearly and don't want to lose. This is the first step toward intimacy. |
I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | I want to become a better man | Hello, and thank you for your question. First, I want to say that it is great that you are are willing to admit that you share some responsibility in some of the relationship problems you are having. This isn't always easy to do, but it sure is important if you want to see improvement. It does sound cliche, but communication really is the bedrock of relationships. And not just intimate partner relationships, but really any relationship that is significant to us. It sounds like you are saying that you have a difficult time really listening to what your partner is telling you and then responding in a way that is helpful. I want to tell you that you are not alone. Good communication skills are not really something you are born with, we actually have to learn them. The good news is that there is great information available to help you do that. Ultimately, some people must seek professional help through couple's counseling in order to get help with this process. This is because some of the hurt and anger could be at such a level already that you may need help setting boundaries, creating a plan, learning new skills, and staying on track. If that is not something you can afford or can do right now, here are a few suggestions that may help. Personally, I am big fan of Dr. John Gottman. He is an expert in relationships and wrote a really great, easy-to-read book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Gottman discusses the kind of communication that healthy couples seem to have, which can be helpful and worth trying. You can buy Dr. Gottman's book on Amazon for under $9. It's a good deal. There are a variety of websites that have good information that may help you build your communication. Here is one that I found that has a few good tips. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships/effective-communication.htm You can try them and see if they are helpful. ***It is important to remember that like all new skills, communication requires practice and we surely fail several times before we start getting good at it. If you were ever a pitcher in baseball, then you know you have to throw thousands of pitches before you really start hitting your strike zone consistently. Allow yourself to make mistakes, own them, and start again. I hope these suggestions help, and good luck.Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC |
I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | I want to become a better man | Thanks for your question. Becoming a good listener is an essential piece in being a better communicator. Being an effective communicator will almost always improve the quality of your relationships.What stands in your way of listening to her? Do you find yourself becoming defensive when she brings up issues? Do you often find yourself thinking of what you want to say next? Do you take her words personally, preventing you from having the ability to problem solve?Here are some tips that may help you with being a better listener:1. Concentrate on what you are hearing, not on what you will say next.2. Ask questions if you need clarification or don't understand.3. Summarize what you're hearing after every couple of minutes to make sure that you're not missing anything.4. Ask your partner what she needs from you. Is she expecting advice or does she simply need to vent?5. Keep eye contact and avoid using non-verbal cues that demonstrate defensiveness or irritation such as eye rolling or crossing your arms.6. Remember that it's okay to disagree and, if this is the case, then decide as a team, how you want to move forward.I hope this helps. Good luck to you! |
I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | I want to become a better man | The best tool for becoming a better listener that I know of is called Imago Dialogue. It consists of 3 steps:1. Mirroring what she says (without judging, commenting, refuting, defending, arguing, or scoffing--just listening, no matter the content) and repeating it back, word-for-word. Continue to ask if she has more to add until she doesn't.2. Validating. You tell her you you understanding why she feels this way. (If you don't understand, then find a way.) You can also say, "That makes sense" or "I hear you" or "I get that."3. Empathizing. Tell her how you think she must feel about what she's telling you. Your job is to try and feel what it feels like to be her.This is a very different way of communicating than we're used to. My guess is that the arguments, discussions, and debates you've had with her have been counterproductive because you're both trying to win. With Imago Dialogue, you both win. She gets to be heard and you get to hear for a change.At the end of the exercise, switch roles. For more info:http://imagorelationships.org/pub/about-imago-therapy/imago-dialogue-101/ |
I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | I want to become a better man | I love that you are so thoughtful and proactive about this! If only every client came in as solution focused as you, my job would be so much easier. I would secondRobin's suggestion of reading ANYTHING by Gottmann. He's fantastic.Other favorites of mine are:Getting Together and Staying Together: Solving the Mystery of Marriage by Dr. William & Carleen GlasserEight Lessons for a Happier Marriage by Dr. William & Carleen GlasserHold Me Tight by Dr. Sue JohnsonDivorce Busting: A Step-By-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again by Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W.The Five Love Languages by Gary ChapmanThe Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-Dependency the Other Side of Co-Dependency by Drs. Janae & Barry WeinholdI'll also add to Miriam's assertion that yourpartner is the expert on her. You can help things along by becoming a better expert on you as well. What is it that you are craving and likely trying to get your need met in potentially unhelpful ways from your girlfriend or in ways she doesn't understand or vibe with? If you can better explain your own needs while trying to understand hers, you all have a recipe for great success! When both partners seek to serve one another and stay curious about each other in the process, intimacy abounds!Best of luck my friend! And if you get stuck, of course seeking help from a professional is always a great idea too. ;) |
I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | I want to become a better man | Let go of your ego, the ego tends to get in the way of things, be a man and listen, do not react so uch to life around you. life is not out to get you, just listen and work on how your reactive to people and sitations around you. C |
I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | I want to become a better man | I'm glad to read about your willingness to develop new ways to invest yourself with your partner.The easier way to fix a relationship is when both people are helped to recognize the ways the couple dynamic falls short of what each person would like.Couples therapy is exactly this.Still, relationships can change if one person changes since changing one part of a system will change the system itself.Besides starting to work with a therapist on what you can do differently, reflect within yourself on the situations when problems arise between the two of you.See if you can figure out what you wanted and what you partner wanted in that particular moment.Was one of you trying to help the other and the person felt insulted by the suggestion of needing help?This is only an example of how intentions are misread or not welcome by one partner from the other.Also keep in mind there is a limit to everyone's flexibility.Reflecting and self-awareness are the first step.The second step is to know when you've reached the end of possibilities to change yourself and not be accepted for who you are.This raises the question of whether the two of you are far apart in similarities in order to be happy together.Good luck in enjoying the changes you will try to make! |
I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together? | I want to become a better man | Hard to say a whole lot without knowing more. However, if you focus your attention on her, what she's saying, what she's feeling instead of trying to make yourself heard and understood first, that's often a good step. Also, work on building win-win agreements with her, and follow through on them.Those are the areas I see men fall short on most often. Hope that helps! |
Recently my boyfriend broke up with me because of my bad language. But he thinks I'm a total b***h. I know I'm bipolar and can be selfish. He called me today and says he can't go through with the breakup. I was broken and didn't want a breakup to begin with, but I know I'm horrible at times and can't help it. It's like I'm battling myself. What do you feel? | Should I seek help or should my boyfriend and I seek help together? | Both options seem reasonable. Seeking individual therapy will help you to cope with the mood changes that come with bipolar disorder, will give you a space to vent your negative thoughts, and will allow you to find the coping mechanism to address life and relational challenges. IF your boyfriend is interested in attending couples therapy with you, it will assist in identifying the problems in the relationship that pushed him to the breakup and will give both of you the tools to communicate and resolve conflicts.I am a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas, currently providing individual, couples, and family therapy services in West Houston. You may reach me at 787-466-5478 to schedule an appointment. Debera buscar ayuda yo sola o junto con mi novio?Mi novio me dejo recientemente por ser mal hablada. El piensa que soy una p***a. Yo s que soy bipolar y que puedo ser egosta. El me llamo hoy para decirme que no puede continuar separado. Yo estaba destruida y no quera que nos dejramos desde el inicio, pero se lo horrible que puedo ser a veces y que no lo puedo evitar. Es como si estuviera en guerra conmigo misma. Qu piensas?Ambas opciones son razonables. Buscar terapia individual te ayudara a manejar los cambios de estado de nimo que son partes del desorden bipolar, tambin te dar espacio para ventilar los pensamientos negativos y encontrar herramientas para enfrentar problemas relacionales y de la vida diaria. SI tu novio est interesado, tambin pueden asistir a terapia de pareja para poder identificar las razones de la separacin, y obtener las herramientas apropiadas para comunicarse apropiadamente y resolver conflictos. Soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y Puerto Rico, veo clientes en el este de Houston y proveo servicios de tele terapia. Para una cita puedes llamar al 787-466-5478. |
I told him I liked him. He called me lovely and pretty but he said he didnt want a relationship. He would always flirt with me. | Should I wait for this guy to make a move, or just move on? | Well, as disappointed as you may very well feel from hearing this guy's answer, you know he doesn't want a relationship.What type of move would you like him to make?If you mean you'd be happy to have sex with this guy and not a relationship, then wait for as long as your patience allows.To wait for him to change his mind that he does want a relationship, doesn't have a very strong base on which to stand.Its possible to do this only consider the emotional price of your frustration to wait for someone to change their mind. |
I met this girl in high school. She had switched schools at the end of the year, and I have not seen her since. It's been a few years. We had a very good and friendly relationship, and we seemed to have a lot in common. I never gained the courage to ask her out. | How can I get over this girl I only knew for a year? | One way to make good use of the situation you describe is to prepare and rehearse within yourself the way you'd handle a similar situation in the future.Since a lot of time has gone by since you and this girl saw each other on a regular basis, right now you've got no idea if you'd feel the same way about her today as you did a few years ago.The relationship does point out the priorities and values you hold for a potential partner. That you liked the friendliness you shared is good for you to recognize. This way you realize you like friendship as a relationship property. To have lots of similar interests, is another quality you appreciate in a partner.The more you know about what you do and don't like in a partner, the greater your chance to notice these qualities in someone new who comes along your path. |
My boyfriend is in recovery from drug addiction. We recently got into a fight and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship. | How do I fix my relationship? | My empathy goes out to you. Relationships are tough enough and i'm sure your partner being distant has been upsetting for you. You are confused and want to mend the relationship with him, but are finding it so hard to do. Relationships require both people to work consistently in order to keep them happier, but if it is only you that is actively trying to repair the relationship, it can be emotionally draining.Perhaps expressing you feel using I, you statements can be beneficial. Do not accuse him or use "you" statements like "you are so distant" or "you don't even care".Start out sharing your feelings by saying "I feel sad when you don't return my phone calls" or "I feel confused about our relationship ever since you have been keeping to yourself". He may have a valid point, or might have been hurt by the argument and retreated as a result of it. Regardless of why, use this time as a great opportunity to practice healthy communication.If you think you are not ready for a conversation like that, couples counseling can be excellent. You will have a skilled facilitator guide the conversation and help you both communicate with one another. |
My boyfriend is in recovery from drug addiction. We recently got into a fight and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship. | How do I fix my relationship? | I'm sorry you have tension between you and your bf.A relationship means two people who relate, right?! If only one person does all the work to change their approach, what they expect, what they offer the other, then this becomes the new problem to solve.If you've already done a significant amount of reflection and change in the way you relate to him, then the next step may be to be patient as long as possible while he decides what to change about his part in the relationship toward you.Substance abuse recovery requires profound effort and reflection. If it is successful then the result will show very different qualities in your bf than the ones you know currently.He may be so absorbed in the recovery that he can only concentrate on this. Of course if the fights persist and you have been patient for what feels too long, then there are different questions to address. |
My boyfriend is in recovery from drug addiction. We recently got into a fight and he has become very distant. I don't know what to do to fix the relationship. | How do I fix my relationship? | I would first suggest you sitting down with him and voicing your concerns about how distant he has been, or more importantly you have felt that he is. This will give clarification to the situation as we need to remember that everyone's perception can be different. Remember that relationships take work and take communication. |
I was never single, afraid to be alone, and I looked for my boyfriend to make me happy. I finally worked on my self, was in a relationship, and I did everything a healthy girlfriend does and it didn't work out. Now months later, no man peaks my interest. Am I ready to date again? Is there a reason no one sparks my interest? | How come no man sparks my interest? | Yes, of course there's a reason!There's always a reason for most dynamics!Depending on the nature and qualities of what changed as a result of your new self realizations, you may be more deeply affected by your new awareness than how you imagined these would go.Since you already are on the best road possible for yourself, since this resulted from your own introspection, keep trusting your own self work as to what develops and at what pace your relationship attraction qualities grow. |
My boyfriend is always saying he's done with me and says he's leaving, but then at the end of the night, he's still here. He wakes up in the morning, acts like nothing happen, and repeats this every night. | Why does my boyfriend threaten to leave every night? | Do the two of you ever talk over why he does this or your reaction to it?Are you asking your question because his behavior upsets you or only out of curiosity to understand him better?Basically, first know your own reason for your question. Then go ahead and tell him if what he does bothers you. In the best of cases, he doesn't realize how his actions affect you and he will change. |
I was with my boyfriend for years on and off. We dated and broke up three times. Since we broke up five months ago I can't move on. I want to get back together but he won't talk to me. What should I do? | I'm having a hard time with a breakup | Probably being sad to lose the relationship would be a good next move for you.When a relationship ends the daily life structure changes significantly. A break up means adjusting to differences in everyday life, not only that the person is no longer connected with us.Since your boyfriend isn't talking to you then you're keeping yourself sadder than necessary to not accept his actions. There's nothing you or anyone else can do change the fact that when someone decides to stop talking, this person is the only one who's in charge to start talking.Maybe since you've had several breakups w this person that you require more time to pass before you're willing to accept that his changed interest in the relationship is permanent.Be patient with your uncertainty as to whether he will or will not resume the relationship. Once enough time passes so that you're considerably past the point at which you and he come together, then accepting his leave-taking will feel natural.Right now its very understandable to have hope since you've been on this road before. In time you'll have your answer as to whether your future is with him or not. |
I really like this guy and I think he likes me back, but his sister is my bestfriend. I'm afraid that if I tell her I have a crush on her brother she would loose it. I once told her I thought her brother was cute and she got really angry. I've gotten to know her brother better lately and I've realized he may actually feel the same way. I don't want to lose her friendship. What do I do? | I have a crush on my bestfriend's brother | Do you and the brother to whom you feel attracted, ever see each other or are in surroundings in which the sister/your friend, isn't?If yes, then this gives you the chance to find out whether you and the brother actually do like each other.If no, then definitely have a private and direct conversation with your friend about the fact you're attracted to the brother.Find out the reason your friend becomes angry to hear you like the brother.Anything is possible from, she'd like to warn you about qualities in her brother which you may not know and if you did, wouldn't like or react negatively.Or, if protection isn't your friend's reason, then maybe she's fearful to lose your friendship if you start a relationship with the brother.Friends are people who care about each others' lives. Let your friendship with this girl work on behalf of each of you! |
I feel like I took our relationship for granted and he's now to the point that he's giving up. I have had trouble feeling like I could trust him but he's given me no reason not to trust him. I know my attitude is also a big issue for him. I have a lot of obligations at home so we don't spend a lot of time together. How can I fix this relationship? | My boyfriend feels that I have taken advantage of him | A key factor in a relationship is trust.I'd start by understanding more about why you feel unable to trust your bf.Does this have something to do with a bad encounter you had from previous relationships, or with a sibling or parent?Its also possible you're intuitively sensing you can't trust your bf bc he's not trustworthy. Sometimes people sense the basic safety items in a relationship before they emerge.Also, your bf may have similarly suffered broken trust and he gives off a feeling of not welcoming your trust.Its possible you're feeling his own self-protection about being in a relationship with you.The best way to open these topics is to actually talk about them together with him.Whatever the underlying tensions are, talking about them always adds positive feeling and confidence to a relationship. |
Whenever I sing along with a song that I like (even if it's just for the beat and not the lyrics), my boyfriend assumes that the words of the song mean something negative about our realationship. I don't why he gets so mad and assumes I mean something negative from every song. Now I can't enjoy and sing a song without him thinking I'm trying to give him a hint. He even accuses me of cheating and lying. It's driving me nuts. I love him and would never do such an awful thing ever. How can I get him to understand? | Why does my boyfriend think every some I like means something about our relationship? | Well, have you told him similar descriptions of your feelings as you just wrote here?This will give him the same understanding you're allowing us to have here on this site.Keep in mind that the best, the amount and the number of times you tell your boyfriend some information about you, still means that whether or not he is willing to accept and rely on your information, is in his hands only.Try to feel satisfied with your own effort to explain yourself. Another path to open is to ask your boyfriend his reason to feel insecure about your love for him. This may open a wider discussion about what he feels he'd like from you so he feels good in the relationship. |
I have a lot of child custody concerns, financial issues, insecurities and weigh gain. I also have no local family support. It's hard for me to stay positive. I get very emotional and take it out on the people I love. How can I stay strong? | How can I stay strong? | There's online forums and blogs, some of which have interactive discussion groups.Also, depending on exactly what you mean by becoming "emotional", feeling overwhelmed by feelings typically happens when people feel a lot of stress and pressure in their lives. Loneliness contributes to feeling overwhelmed too.Your feelings may be perfectly normal.Similarly, depending on what you mean "take it out on" people, you may be expecting too much of yourself.If you're expecting other people to listen to your upset feelings, this is reasonable.If you're harming them as a a result of your upset feelings, this is unreasonable.Depending on what exactly you are doing when you "take it out", you may be quite reasonable to do so. |
I was talking to my fiance about changing my hair. He recommended a very specific hair style. Then I found out his ex has that exact same hair. I feel like he must know she has that hair style. Am I nuts, or does this show that he's still in love with her? | I feel like my fiance still in love with his ex | Maybe your finance's hair preference for you reflects he still is in love w the ex.There are other many reasonable options too.Maybe he doesn't know a lot about hair styles, or didn't want to even think through the question carefully and also didn't want to tell you this directly.He may have tried to take the easy way out of involving himself in your question.The key whether or not he loves you is how you feel most of the time in your relationship. If most of the time you trust the sense you are loved and you love him, then this gives you some reassurance about how the both of you feel toward each other.It is possible too that your finance has some remaining feelings for the ex. Whether or not this makes any difference to you depends on how stable and reliable you feel is the love between the two of you. |
My girlfriend recently started hanging out a lot more with one of her friends who did her wrong in the past and just walked out on her. So for the past 3 years its been just me and my girlfriend. Things have been great up until the last month. Now she ignores me and texts and hangs oit with her friend more and more. I dont know what to do anymore. My girlfriend is so distant. How do I keep from losing her? | I'm scared of losing my girlfriend | Well, if you each want to be with the other, than no one will be lost.Have you told her about feeling slighted? Start telling her about your feelings. How she responds to you will tell you a lot about where her heart is and maybe too some of the reasons she has been so involved w the friend.Who knows, maybe the friend has problems of her own and your gf is spending extra time w the friend to help the friend, and doesn't even know you feel hurt.You would do yourself and your gf a lot of good to tell more about your feelings. Either you will get more closeness and consideration, or not. At least you will have the truth. |
I don't speak up if I'm uncomfortable and hardly ever make plans for us when we hang out. He is a very open and straightforward person, so he is getting upset with me for my lack of proper communication. We've been together two years and have identified this as our main problem. Arguments have arised from this single issue many times. | How do I start taking initiative in my relationship? | Do you know what you're afraid may happen if you do speak up?Usually people don't talk freely because they feel afraid to do so. Sometimes the fear of being rejected by the other, of being criticized or judged by the other person, or that what you will say stirs anger in the other person.If you are able to know what your particular reason is for not talking, then maybe you and your partner can talk about what makes talking easy or hard.Also, since speaking up is new for you, then ask your partner to be patient while you learn to do so. Everyone does better at learning new skills when they feel supported and welcomed. |
Weve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesnt love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate. | Why do my boyfriend and I have such trouble communicating? | Under duress the very youngest parts of you and your boyfriend emerge. So, while you still look like grown ups, your actions and words are motivated by very early preverbal parts of both of you. In simple terms it is as if two infants somehow acquire the ability to say words but they are motivated by very basic early wounds that were created due to deficits in what was able to be done for each of you, and likely understandable in terms of caregiver's life experience, and that still fell short of what you needed. You are both still trying to get very early needs met.The best advice I can offer is to try and remember this as early as possible when things start to heat up, and then restrain expression that you already know leads nowhere helpful. And seek out a therapist who can help you to work with these early issues and can support you to grow and develop from this stuck point.Avraham Cohen, Ph.D, R.C.C., C.C.C. |
Weve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesnt love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate. | Why do my boyfriend and I have such trouble communicating? | Communication involves a listener and a speaker. Both have to be willing to do their part to make communication work. This is something that takes both and not just one. Without both, communication is impossible. Staying together and the kids observing unhealthy communication is already broken. Seek help to improve communication. Couples' counseling would be helpful. |
Weve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesnt love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate. | Why do my boyfriend and I have such trouble communicating? | Try having a conversation with your boyfriend about your views and wishes for the relationship, when the two of you are having a calm time. A few questions I'd like to ask him is why he says he doesn't love you when the topic at hand is about a specific practical matter.I'd also like to know what he hopes will happen from dwelling on a matter.And, why are you swallowing your pride? Sooner or later this will come up on you in much bigger ways. Instead, try to know your own wishes that you are either not stating or are being ignored by your boyfriend.The best way to resolve accumulated tensions is to slowly open the discussion between the two people.It is possible to stay together forever. What you each need to realize, is the terms under which this would most likely take place.Sending lots of luck! |
Weve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesnt love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate. | Why do my boyfriend and I have such trouble communicating? | You can't fix this by yourself, but I applaud you for trying. One person working hard in a relationship can make things better for a while., but in the long haul you need two people giving some effort. I'm reading between your lines here and I wonder if your need to keep the family together is getting you to apologize when you've done nothing wrong and ignore things you've felt hurt by. I sense that you're doing all the work...that it's not balanced.I have worked with many couples and I've learned never to underestimate what kind of change is possible; anything is possible. But in order for change in a couple to occur, you need two people who are both willing to own their choices and behaviours, and who have empathy. Your boyfriend doesn't appear to have these components; he pushes you away and blames you when he's done something hurtful.Can you be honest with yourself about what's happening? I encourage you to sit down with a trusted friend or therapist and look at what you have here and what your options are. I wish you well. |
I'm dating this guy, Peter. My friend Jennifer used to date him a while ago, and she's fine with us dating. My ex-boyfriend, Paul, broke up with Jennifer, and she's devastated about it. Peter and I are going through a rough patch in our relationship. All of a sudden, Paul is in "love" with me, and he wants me back. I don't know what to do because I can't hurt my friend or my boyfriend, but I think I might Paul again. | I'm in a relationship, and I think I like my ex-boyfriend. Who do I choose? | Hello. The dynamics of having a romantic relationship with someone is not always clear. Sometimes we jump from one relationship to another without giving ourselves a chance to adjust and grieve for the one we had to leave behind. When you find yourself in a situation where a previous partner is coming back into your life and desires to be with you again, it is important to ask yourself what the motivations are prompting that return. Is the person afraid of being alone? Are they jealous of your current relationship? Do you feel the same way about this returning relationship as you did before it was ended? How long and/or how committed is the current relationship you are in now with your current partner? Does your former partner not like being "dumped" and maybe they just want to get back together with you so that they can "dump" you instead? Some of these questions you may not be able to answer, and some of them might require your own internal reflection.You likely want to make a good decision, and you also might want to consider who it will impact, and how that will happen. Other friends might be upset at this sudden change, and it could create a strain on your friendship. You will want to carefully consider the value of that friendship before you take any actions that could damage it. Also perhaps think about what led you to end the relationship with your previous partner in the first place. Has there been a change in events or behavior that would cause you to think of a valid reason to give that person a second chance? How it will it impact your current relationship?Going into relationships should be done with reflection, patience, and full awareness. Ultimately you choose who is in your life, so you want to make those choices based on appropriate decision making, and with the ability to protect yourself from harm. No one else can make this choice for you. However, gaining the insight of friends or family can be helpful, as can seeking out the counsel of a therapist. In your heart, you will likely find the right answer. Learn to trust that more, as that is where the core of emotion tends to be when you need it. Use your mind to analyze things, but allow yourself to also feel your way through the situation too. The answer will arrive if you let it. |
My boyfriend called me a particular profanity and I broke up with him. This is the third time he's called me this and I'm just completely done with giving him chances. He knows how much it bothers me. I just want to know if I'm over reacting. | Am I overreacting by breaking up with my boyfriend because he called me a particular profanity? | It sounds like you are reacting to an issue in communication patterns, rather than a particular word. The ability to listen considerately to your partner and to have your partner listen to you is one of the keystones of a successful relationship. If your partner is not listening to, acknowledging and remembering your wishes, that is likely an indicator of some fissures in the foundation of the relationship. |
My boyfriend is in Ireland for 11 days, and I am an emotional wreck. | How can I not miss my boyfriend while he's in Ireland? | It sounds like you and your boyfriend are very close. Do you typically spend most of your time together? If so, it may be important to reflect on how you feel when you are apart. If any separation is difficult, you may need to examine why. Think about what it is that you miss and what you are anxious, upset or worried about. If you examine the causes of your distress you likely will experience some relief. It is important to learn how to be happy when you are alone, it will only improve the way you feel when you are with your boyfriend. |
When I ask him who he is talking to, he tells me no one. But, it sounds like he is holding a conversation with someone. I have even accused him of having a secret cell phone. I ask so much, I feel like I am losing it. Is he trying to make me question my sanity, or is he talking to himself? | My new husband is constantly talking to himself | A rare topic & likely extremely troublesome for you... I would need to have more background information on the two of you before beginning to offer any insight. Feel free to email me.I would also like to add that aside from the reality of whether or not these conversations are actually occurring, as your partner, he should be just as concerned about something that is disturbing you to this level. Partners need each others' trust and support, no matter who is right or wrong. |