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9o22ju

aita for making food for myself, but not my husband?

this is incredibly trivial, but i have to ask. when we cook meals, it’s for both of us. but twice recently, i heated up leftovers just for myself. my husband glares at me, scolds me for not heating up leftovers for him as well and treats me like i’m a selfish asshole. i asked him why he didn’t just ask me to make some for him too. he said he shouldn’t have to, we always eat together and accuses me of not thinking of him. there’s usually a reason why i only made food for myself. for example today, he said he was still full from lunch, so i said “i’ll heat up some dinner and eat first” and assumed he’ll eat later. he didn’t say anything. apparently he didn’t hear my remark and blew up about me neglecting him. i do understand how he feels. there were times when i wasn’t yet ready for breakfast, so he only cooked breakfast for himself. i was disappointed that he forgot about me, but didn’t want to make a big deal about it, so just made breakfast for myself.

nta

nta. i thought you were gonna say you cooked a grand meal for yourself and he was kinda disappointed you didn't leave some for him. but even that wouldn't warrant a glare and a scolding though. like you said, when this happened to you, it wasn't a big deal. his reactions sound unreasonable to me. is this the only occasion when he blows up at you? i know it's just food, but it's like he interprets your independent actions as neglect, and that's seriously wrong.

nta. he's not a child that can't take care of himself and you're not his mother. i was married to a man for 20 years who wouldn't do a damn thing around the house, even for the 15 or so years that i worked more hours than he did. i've had it up to here with men who act like another child in the house.

9o4n02

aita for cutting ties with my family?

so, i cut ties with my family a while back, but the situation still pops up in my head from time to time. but even if i was the asshole, i don’t regret my decision and i won’t go back with them, just curious. i’m going to list out the main points below. so, my family would pick on my weight, all the time. when i was overweight they made fun of me for it. when i later stopped eating because of my depression and anxiety, they kept on shoving it in my face that i never ate anything and how i was so skinny. i asked them to stop too, but despite all the years of me asking, they never did. i don’t know, isn’t that bullying or something? and what person just picks at your weight all the time? i thought it was pretty snotty. my mother also talked crap about everything and everyone. every time she opened her mouth, she would complain about something. she would also complain about my siblings, saying how one never got a job, how the other is leaching off his so, not finishing school, etc. i asked her to tell them instead of me but she never did, she just wanted to complain. it got pretty tiring and stressful listening to her never-ending negativity about life. she would also complain about me behind my back, even though i was valedictorian in high school, went to college, got a job, etc. point is, i don’t think i’m a bad person or lazy or selfish or anything, or at least not too much, but she still found things to complain about because she just wanted to talk crap about people. she also never listened to me about my health. i had a panic attack in front of her once and while she was initially concerned, she never took me to the doctor or anything, until she got annoyed from me always asking. i was diagnosed with anxiety and depression when i talked to the doctor and i was referred to a therapist who i saw every weekend for months. my point, while i was losing my mind, she just got annoyed. at this point i couldn’t drive myself to the doctor or anything either. a year later or so, after i got my license, i had a panic attack on the road and i couldn’t drive anymore, because of the anxiety and stuff. she just rolled her eyes and forced me to drive and screamed at me every time when i told her that i couldn’t. my siblings were also assholes. one brother was fine usually, he was actually my favorite person when i was growing up, but his humor had a bad taste to it that i found uncomfortable. my other brother though (there were 3 of us, i’m the youngest) was a huge asshole. super selfish and arrogant and constantly put me down. again, i was valedictorian, and his response was that the school had gotten a whole lot stupider since he (barely) graduated from there if i was able to be rank one. also, my opinions and stances were all also different than theirs. like them spoiling their kids and letting them be assholes to everyone. i know this point isn’t all that major, but it helped me cut ties realizing they would probably ruin my kids, if i ever had any. that’s pretty much it, but i think all my close friends would say i was the asshole. i know some thought i was being selfish and that they couldn’t understand my decisions. they were super supportive of me though. they let me stay with them when i was homeless for a while, and they fed me when i was broke and all those things. but they would say i was the asshole in the situation, for messing with my family by cutting myself out of it, that’s all i’m trying to say. so, am i the asshole? btw didn’t mention anything about my dad because he passed away before i really had a chance to remember him. mother never remarried either so i don’t have a step-dad story. tl;dr: i left them because their negativity was draining, they bullied me a bit, they neglected my health, and their opinions were sometimes disgusting to me.

nta

nta. i, too, completely cut ties from my family 2+yeaes ago and have never been happier. just because you're related to someone, doesn't mean you are obligated to love/ like/ tolerate their shit. don't feel guilty for putting yourself first. you only get one life, don't spend it surrounded by people who make life unbearable. congratulations op! go live life on your own terms!

nta. it's hard to cut toxic people from your life. take pride in the fact that you are taking care of yourself. if someday you can reconnect, great. if not, that is okay too.

9o4nes

aita for not wanting to use my credit card?

i’m not sure if i’m the asshole or not. i went out to dinner with a group. some are friends, some are friends of friends. a mix of college students and some of us done with college and working. we didn’t ask for separate checks so when the bill arrives people are adding up their stuff and pulling out bills and of course it’s confusing. so this one dude starts handing me the cash and says i should keep the cash and pay with my credit card since it would be easier for the waiter. what? he said i could just use the cash to pay my credit card bill later. wait. i didn’t volunteer to do this at all. i said no. i don’t want to get a big credit card bill later after i’ve probably spent the cash everyone gave me from this meal. i have the cash for my stuff plus my tip and that is what i will leave on the table. he said he thought that was a little selfish since i have a credit card and it would make things easier for everyone. is this true? is it easier on the waiter to take credit over cash? i didn’t want to end up taking responsibility for this bill especially if the cash came up short and i had to make up the difference. i though he was a bit of an asshole but it didn’t seem like others at the table felt that way at all. i kind of got the vibe that they thought i was being a jerk. i ended up paying for my stuff plus tip with cash and left since i was annoyed. if the bill came up short it was on them. but thinking over it now i’m confused and worried that i maybe should have done it? maybe they all think i’m a jerk because i left after putting my money down because i was annoyed. at the same time i’m glad i didn’t because now i won’t be facing that credit card bill. i try to be responsible with my card and not end up with a bill that i can’t pay off. so i don’t know if i was a bit of a jerk or not.

nta

nta "lack of preparation on your part doesn't constitute an emergency on mine"

nta- clearly someone else didn’t have their shit together when it came to affording the food they ate. not your responsibility to bail others out or to facilitate mooching, especially since it seems you’re still fairly young in terms of financial history. stay focused on making sure the responsibility of others doesn’t create long term problems for you, and be willing to cut the line and bail on people who would be financially abusive towards you.

9o4rcb

aita for getting upset about my friend comparing me to her crush

my friend has a crush who is another female i do not care about that. but i care she compares me a lot to her saying she is much smarter than me. and telling me all the things she does. she constantly calls me a druggie (i only smoke weed) and constantly tells me all my friends do not care about me and why they are all whores. i told her today in exact words "it really hurts when you do this" she said she has nothing to apologize for and i am overacting. am i the asshole?

nta

nta, but that so called friendship sounds toxic and you need to remove yourself from it

nta, your friend is not a friend. she’s a piece of shit, disregarding your emotions.

9o6jvc

aita for getting frustrated with being asked to give money to some charity literally every place i go?

i don't mind giving to charity, but it seems like in the last year or two it has gotten so that you almost cannot go anywhere for any reason without being approached to give to this or that. where we grocery shop they sit at the entrances and exits, and in some cases they are inside the store. there are a couple of fast food restaurants that will ask you in the drive through and when you go in. all of our pet supply stores want you to give. the drug store, the ice cream shop, home improvement....everywhere. i used to give to them all. now i'm kinda sick and frustrated with it...so i just say "no thank you" probably 90% of the time. i know it's likely for a good cause....but i'm tired of it.....so now i pretty much don't.

nta

nta. better use of money that you can use for your morals and to settle their questions (if there are any) is that you would rather donate to a charity of your choice.

nta they purposely ask so if you say no you feel like an asshole

9o6s99

aita for attempting to intervene in my friends' marriages?

these guys were my lifelong friends growing up but now they are married with kids (some not by choice), which leaves me by myself most days. i miss the days we hung out together as a group, and sadly those days seem to be over. i love my friends' kids but i also know the kids are the sole reason we never hang out regularly anymore. their wives either really hate me or like me a little too much - the ones that hate me know i intend to get my friends back! making new friends just doesn't feel the same; am i the asshole?

yta

yta. to be frank, you sound unwell--who would think this approach to friendship is okay? >now they are married with kids (some not by choice) what does this mean? >leaves me by myself most days make some single friends... >the ones that hate me know i intend to get my friends back! they sound like wise people who recognize that you're being a possessive asshole.

yta. life moves on and people change. you have to respect that. your priorities from when you were younger and your priorities now are different.

9o81rm

aita for getting frustrated with my parents for sending out my resume without my permission?

not that i am mad at her for doing it, i just take offence she is doing it without permission, it is my resume, i should have control on who does and does not have the right to have it, i realize she is only trying to help, and if she asked i would gladly accept her help, i only want her to ask, yet when i ask that she asks me, she says that i should basically shut up and be grateful. for reference, im 23. fresh out of a job.

yta

not a popular opinion but if she is sending out resumes for you, it could mean that she doesn’t think you are trying hard enough and she expects more of you? you also mentioned in a previous post that you and your mum both can’t wait till you move out - do you have a less-than-great relationship with her? it could be a contributing factor here. my verdict is - you could be a bum and your mum is fed up (yta), you could be perfectly normal and your mum is overly controlling (nta), or you could be a bum and your mum is overly controlling (you’re both assholes) i’m just trying to look at it from a neutral perspective (since we only have your side of the story)

i guess yta for making a big deal out of it. sounds like they were trying to help

9o8qt9

aita for not paying the cab fare?

a few days ago i got drunk at a party and was honestly having the time of my life. problem starts after the party when we all had to go back (via public transport). since i was obviously drunk, a friend of mine dropped me back home, nearly missing the last metro. next day, turns out. my friend had called my roommates to pick me up, but since none of them were able to, a cab was booked which we ultimately didn't use. my roommates are asking me to compensate, but honestly i had no idea this was happening. while i was drunk, i was completely capable of using the public transport. this friend apparently exaggerated how drunk i was to my roommates and they were really worried. i feel like this is no fault of mine, i'm also a really broke student. i have declined to pay. aita? from her perspective, the fact that her friend had troubled her roommates added onto his already frustrating behaviour from that night. so her initial reaction was that the person at fault should pay (aka the friend who exaggerated her drunkenness) my friend realized how silly it was the next day. she was very grateful that her roommates showed concerned and thanked them. she took them out on a treat too (tim hortons cause everyone was trying to save money lol). she also forgave her friend because his intentions were good. overall everything is sorted.

yta

yta. you put your friends in a position where they were legitimately concerned for your safety and they acted responsibly on your behalf like a good friend should. you not using the taxi does not take away from the fact that your state at the time and the concern for your safety were the only reasons why it was called. the alternative is your friends just say "fuck it. you shouldn't have gotten so drunk! not my problem". if something then happened to you, how do you think they'd feel for not trying to help you get home safely? pay for the taxi and thank your friends for doing such a great job of trying to look out for you.

yta. you should be thankful they thought of you. it was a really kind gesture on their behalf. it's unfortunate that this happened, considering money is involved, but try to limit your level of intoxication next time, or set up plans to get home in advance. i know it sucks right now, needing to pay for something you didn't want, but what's more important to you? the money, or knowing you have friends who appreciate you and will watch your back?

9o98h4

aita for calling out my girlfriend on watching videos while she's driving?

the other day i sent my girlfriend a link to a video i'd been working on. she told me later she'd watched it on the drive home. i strongly believe in not using phones while driving and lose a lot of respect for people who text and drive. watching videos and driving, to me, is mind-blowingly stupid. i was livid. here's our conversation. i tried to tone myself down but i lost a lot of respect for her in that moment. was i the asshole here? >gf: just watched the video on the drive home and i loved it and was thoroughly impressed >me: yeah...[unrelated reference to earlier conversation]. it is pretty scary to me that you watched it on the drive home though...that is really dangerous. >gf: i do that often, i watch it like i use gps. i have the audio turned up and watch it out of my peripherals. don't worry, i'm never looking directly at my phone. >me: that's not cool. i would feel a lot better if you didn't make the choice to watch videos or text while you're driving. it's ultimately up to you, but it's such a crazy, dangerous choice, both for you and for everyone on the road around you. it would also be an enormous ticket and insurance hike if anyone caught you doing that. i just think it's a really, really bad idea and i'd hate for you to get hurt or hurt someone else. >gf: ultimately, i'm not going to get into something as menial as driving. its safer than listening to music on my phone bc it's basically a podcast so i don't have to change it and its fully legal as well the way i do it. i appreciate looking out for my safety but i'd argue it's one of the safest things i do while driving. >me: it is definitely illegal in [our state]. it falls under distracted driving and you can get fined up to $1000 for a first offense. please be smart and safe. >gf: ok, my bad. i guess i was maybe too eager and excited to see your video. [unrelated conversation continues] she told me later that the way i handled the situation was a turn-off. to be honest, her response was a giant turn-off and i'm really reconsidering the relationship. but it's important to me to respect her and not be a jerk about it. any thoughts? was i too harsh?

nta

nta. illegal and unsafe shit like that kills people.

i created an account just to respond. technically - nta - but - i see two issues and people are blurring the second into the validity of the first. a valid point does not (should not) equal right to choice of delivery. the convo also ended with her admitting fault. so again - you're 'right' and 'saving her life' and therefore - given such heavy points - people will say you're nta. but the other topic, and the one i think she's raising is 'you turn me off with how you raise faults with issues you find with me'. you're judging her on how valid your point (very valid) was. your response to her opening up about it "that's not cool.." and "..it's ultimately up to you, but.." - i'd dislike that form of righteous delivery from someone. i've noticed in our society we seem to think how factually right we are excuses having to consider how we deliver it, that it's the responsibility of the person who is incorrect to both accept how we deliver this information and to adjust their opinion. i'd argue we should consider how we deliver this information in a way that's likely to make this person change their opinion, but also not trigger their 'under attack' mechanism (which some people might feel when reading this if it's against them). i believe this is the turn off she's talking about. ​

9oadm0

aita for saying "god damnit" in someone's house?

this happened to me about two months ago, but it's been bothering me for a little while now. i was invited to one of my buddies place for a house party, it was my friend and his wife, another couple who i also work with, and my girlfriend and i. i had been at the house for about 3 or so hours when we decided to move inside and play scategories or taboo, i dont remember the game. we have been drinking pretty heavily while we were grilling outside, so i had a nice buzz. while we were playing the game i guess i said "god damnit". my buddy (we'll call him tony) told me to be careful with the "gdm" word. i asked tony what the gdm was, and he explained that his wife (patty) didn't like that word because she was religious. i apologized to him and i told him i would make a more conscious effort to not say that word anymore. as we continued playing i said it again on accident and i didnt even notice. again tony called me out on it and i apologized. tony then explained that his wife has a house rule to make people do push ups if they say that word in the her house. i kinda laughed it off and told him that i would try harder. and he accepted this (tony's wife wasn't in the room either of the times that i said gdm, and i doubt she could hear me from the other room). when his wife finally came out of the room he told his wife that i dropped the gdm word (in a joking manner). tony and the other guy from the other couple that was there went out side to pick up from trash that was left out. while they were out side patty said that i needed to do pushups and that it's the only way that she got it through soldiers heads to not say that word in her house. again i laughed and i told her i was sorry and that it was an accident but that i wasn't going to do push ups. patty then told me to stop being a little girl and that if i didnt like it then i could get out of her house. at that point i was kinda taken off guard that she was completely serious about it. i was adamant, but respectful that i wasn't doing pushups, so my girlfriend and i looked at each other in awe and we both knew it was time to leave. we gathered up our stuff, said good bye, thanks for having us and left.

nta

i got through most of this post thinking "their house, their rules" in terms of saying "god dammit". being so adamant about punishing you for saying it, like you're a (no pun intended) god damned child, changed my mind completely. nta

nta. you shouldn't use that word in their house if you know they don't like it, but since it slipped out and she wanted to make you do something you did not want to do, leaving was the right thing to do. you could have taken it as a joke and do the pushups, but if you didn't want to do that you were perfectly within your right to act as you did.

9oczd2

aita for having sex with my fiancé?

so i live on a second floor of an apartment complex with my fiancé , my neighbor below us when we moved in, we offered our cell numbers to them several times, in case we were ever too loud so they could hit us up to ask us to be quieter, they declined each time. now the rules with the apartment are ‘ quiet hours ‘ are between 9 pm- 7am. after a week the neighbor tells us we walk too loud and we need to stop at 8 pm because that’s when he goes to bed for the night. so we did our best to adjust for him, then yesterday about 5pm my fiancé and i were going at it, and our neighbor below us bangs on his ceiling/our floor mid fuck, which killed my so’s mood, so we stopped. then about 5 mins later the dude bangs on our door and yells at us that he doesn’t wanna hear us fucking and threatens to call the cops or apartment management if he ever hears us again. so, am i the asshole here for getting down, or is he the asshole for losing his shit and demanding us change our lives for him?

nta

nta. you even offered to give the guy your number for help if anything is needed. he's the asshole, not you.

nta but getting some area rugs might make your life more peaceful, they cut down on floor noise a ton.

9od66z

aita for asking my mom not to bring hot dogs to our fajita night?

so my mother is a very controlling person. she sees herself as a party host, and tries to dictate when our events begin and how they run. my sister and i (roommates) are trying to get into the tradition of hosting get-together's for family and friends, but my mother finds a way to make things complicated. for example, she insists on making certain dishes because she "likes it my way", and tells vanessa (sister) that food has to be ready by kickoff at 1 because she "knows football sunday and this is how it has to be". yesterday we spent lots of money buying ingredients for a fajita night. spent the day cooking beans, rice, tortillas, queso, salsa, guac, the whole shebang. mother informed us that she would be bringing hot dogs and chili to make herself chili dogs. i told her that she is being a rude guest, because that isn't what we are serving for dinner. she brought the stuff anyway, saying "well then i guess i'm just a rude guest". when she got there i chastised her again, saying that it feels like a cliche sitcom mom making things difficult. she began crying, and left before any guests arrived. my family then said that i was being an asshole and shouldn't have said anything so she would have stayed. aita?

nta

nta. your mom is though. good of you for standing your ground!! if you allow your mother to push you around on things like that she will never let up and treat you like an adult or an equal. and asking your mother not to make chili dogs when you are hosting a dinner is a completely reasonable request!! her dismissive attitude of your request, her refusal to allow you to be the host, and her melodramatic tantrum are her problem. it seems like your mom has done a fair bit of conditioning on your family to make them think confronting her about her awful behavior is being an asshole. you're good though!

nta. she is emotionally blackmailing you to let her treat you like shit.

9ofvl3

aita for getting mad at my(15m) boyfriend (16m) for taking a shirtless picture of me without me knowing and posting it!!

okay i'm really insecure about my body cuase im underweight and i dont take my shrit off a lot but i took my shirt off cuase it was hot in his room so we are in his room just chilling im on my phone and wasn't looking at him and he takes a picture of me and post it to ig saying "my world 🌎". the caption wasnt the problem it was that i was shritless which he knows im insecure about not to mention i looked like shit my hair was a mess and i was wearing basket ball shorts cuase i was just going to his house and told to come over and he didnt care i just woke up. this all happened sunday am i overreacted, am i the asshole. repost messed up the tittle

nta

nta. while he had good intentions, he crossed his boundaries since it was a private moment and you were caught completely off guard. you have every right to be pissed, especially if he refused to remove it.

nta. he shouldn’t share pictures of you without your consent. it doesn’t really matter why you don’t want it shared, the fact that you don’t is reason enough

9oggwy

aita for not wanting to pay for my wife's debts?

*disclaimer*: i'm using usd here instead of my own currency for the sake of simplicity, so if you think that some of the values are off, this is why. let me start this with some background: me and my wife have a relationship for almost 4 years now, we started dating in 2014. in the beginning of this year i got a job offer abroad, and i was initially not considering taking it. my wife (then only girlfriend) and my mom convinced me to take the job, especially my wife. we then decided to get married so she could come with me, something that she has agreed upon since the beginning. so a few months later we got married and another couple of months later moved out to europe. now, one of the main factors why she wanted to move was that she wasn't being able to get a decent job and was working a lot and being underpaid for it, and she also couldn't pay off all of her expenses. she did have a good paying job until 2016, when she decided to quit because the work environment was just too toxic. she was at the time enrolled in a mba and suddenly couldn't pay for it. she then turned to het dad, which then started paying her a kind of monthly allowance to help pay for the mba. now, he had helped her in the past with a car that she bought, this was before i met her. she told me that her dad usually would make late payments on the car loan, or sometimes "forget" to pay for it. the same thing happened with her mba, but worse. on one occasion, she was blocked from attending to an exam and she found out that the reason was that her dad had "forgotten" to pay for the last **eight** or so months. just so you know, the whole ideia of him paying for the rest of her mba came from himself, he was the one who took the responsibility, my wife was ok with just dropping it, as she had just started and hadn't already invested too much money. having heard of the car issue i asked her to consider if this was a good idea, even before she took his offer for the mba, but she said it was ok. after this eight month issue i told her that she shouldn't accept this kind of help from him again, and she again dismissed me. another very important info here is that her dad is divorced and is married to another woman, which has a kid of her own, so she was/is definitely influencing him on that. plus, he has some issue with the bank which i don't fully know about, but basically he can't have anything in his name, not a car, not a house, because of an old big debt. now, after the mba finished, he kept giving her this monthly allowance, of say $1000, which helped her a lot, but as usual, he was usually late and once he also "forgot" to pay a month and that was it, $1000 less. going back to recent events, and the important part of this story, of course everyone know how expensive a wedding can be. i really didn't care too much for a big party, especially as we had to plan everything in a hurry in just over 2 months. but she have always wanted a big wedding, like **big** wedding, and she was sad and pissed that because of the situation she wouldn't get one. add to that that her mother's family is going through some rough times, and that i myself couldn't also pay for it as i had to pay for many aspects of the relocation itself, and she found herself wanting to resort to her dad once again for him to pay some things. now her dad isn't too rich or anything, but he can definitely help her with everything she has asked so far. once again i said this was a bad idea, and she just ignored me. her dad said he was going to pay for her dress, but guess what, because of those bank issues this (and every other previous debt) had to be made on her or her mother's credit card. i once again said this was a bad idea and that he wouldn't pay for it all, especially with us getting married and leaving the country, but she didn't listen. guess what? the exact month we got married was the month he stopped giving her her money, and not only the regular $1000, but also the money from the wedding dress and other things from the wedding that he *promised* to pay. to make matters even worse, she has a sister, which had **the exact same issue** after her wedding, he stopped giving her money. i didn't know this, but she definitely did. because of this, i was already paying to some of her daily expenses for 2 or 3 months before we moved out, and also paid for every single expense of the moving, including paying over $10k just to bring over her 2 cats, which she set in stone as the sole condition on her moving out. she has already basically begged for the money to her dad, which mostly ignores her by this point. we've accepted already that this money is lost (around $7000 total). now that her dad isn't giving her the money she needs, and she really can't pay the credit card on her own, she is asking me to pay for it. i know she already made a huge sacrifice in giving up on her life there and moving out with me, but goddammit, i warned her of this all the way, and when shit finally hit the fan, she comes back to me for help, which i adamantly refused. now she says she can't believe that i'm being such an asshole and that i, as her husband, should help her because otherwise she will just go into debt as she has no other way to pay this. aita for sticking to the "i told you so" route and not paying for her dad's debts on her behalf? to make it clear, my funds are leaking badly now because of all this and i don't have too much left, but i could pay for it if i wanted. **quick edit here**: the mba is a non-issue anymore, i just mentioned it to tell how her dad handles these things. the main source of debt now is our weding party which was vastly over-budgeted, way more than we could afford, and again i strongly advised not spending too much money but she and her family went ahead and left me in the dark until afterwards. also i did and am helping her with her own expenses, in the last 3 months or so i've been paying around $1000-2000 of her credit card, it's just her dad's share of the debt that i'm not paying.

yta

yta for not having this discussion before getting married. you knew there were money issues and that her family may not be as good with money as you. whatever you decide to do, you and her need to have a serious discussion about finances and your expectations of each other.

yta, no such thing as just her debt anymore

9ognxx

aita for not tipping the waitress?

note: this is in ca where wait staff must make minimum wage of $11 (maybe $11.5) an hour and tips are extra. a new place opened up near me. it’s a bar and grill looking place that is mainly pizza. my girlfriend and i went on sunday around 1pm and they said we could sit anywhere. so we picked a table, it wasn’t very crowded at all. we sat for at least 10 minutes until someone came to us. i was trying to make eye contact as staff walked close, but it didn’t work. when she did come she asked if we wanted a drink. no introduction, nothing saying they are understaffed, or a mention of the wait. we ordered soda and our lunch order. she brought the drinks in a normal time. the food came out a little slower than usual, but it wasn’t a problem. she handed it to us and said “oh let me get you silverware.” it took a few minutes and she did and refilled just my drink (even though they were both almost done). but then she never checked back with us. a bit after we were done eating she brought the check and just set it on the table saying something generic like “whenever you’re ready.” no refill, no checking how things were, it just felt like we were an inconvenience to her. i usually always tip and well, i haven’t worked food service but i worked retail and know it can be tough. if it’s busy i give them the benefit of the doubt. but it was slow, there were multiple servers for only a handful of tables and she wasn’t nice at all. i feel guilty for not tipping, but at the same time, she barely did her job. am i the asshole?

nta

nta. i’ve never understood the why people feel tipping is mandatory. people cant do a bad job and still expect a tip, thats what the pay check is for. i only tip when i feel the server was very good.

waiting is largely a sales job. they get you to buy drinks and desserts so that their tip they hopefully get is large. then they have to sell you on the idea that you should give them an extra 15-20% on top of the price of the food. they failed at making the sale. nta. they went into a risky job/career, so former and current wait staff use peer pressure and shame as a form of marketing. they successfully pushed the expected tip percentage to 20% from 15% a few years back. look at the societal pressure as marketing and it will sting a little less to leave no or little tip when someone sucks at their job.

9ohey3

aita for not wanting to join the military under any circumstances?

on another site, i voiced my hatred for conscription (mandatory military service) and people who supported it, and a guy said that conscription is justifiable under extreme circumstances when the country is genuinely in danger (such as when hitler invaded russia). i told him that i would rather go to jail than fight for my country, because i don't want to die, or worse. i would never "defend muh country/family!" under any circumstances, and i think conscription is just slavery. same goes for mandatory national service in general. because of my basic self-preservation instincts, i've been called a coward. am i really the asshole for not wanting to die for my country?

nta

19+ years of active duty. nta. we wouldn't be the country we are and i wouldn't serve if each and every person here didn't have the choices they do. to be honest, you, me and the military as a whole are better off anyway without someone who does not want to be in, especially to this level. (i say this without being able to convey through text the sincerity that i mean, and not trying to sound like an asshole)

not one military in the world serves the purpose of defending the country. they exist only to serve corporations because they are the ones in charge. so no. nta for not wanting to die for rich ppl greed

9ohwrn

aitah for not being there for a child that isn't mine

tl;dr after several instances where the mother of the child as chose to try to fuck up my life, i have stopped being in the picture so she has no leverage to harass, fuck up, and just make my life unnecessarily more difficult. ​ this is going to be a long one. please for the love of (deity) help me understand what i have done and if i am wrong. so, it starts with a girlfriend, bee. we were friends for a little bit but rekindled things a few years ago. at this time she had a 6 month old child (peep) while i had a 2 year old (sweet) . this start and go great. her child's father isnt in the picture and i am not with the mother of my child. i try to help her as much as i can after we had got together. generally just keeping her child occupied so she could do something around the house. i love kids and already had a child so it wasn't really that hard to just be there and be a friend. things progress with bee and i. i begin to love her and her child. i loved her child as my own and treated him as such bc thats what i would have wanted for my child. we ended up living near each other and bc the commute was so small we saw each other often. almost everyday. then marriage comes up about a year and a half in the relationship. i made a mistake here. i talked to her extensively about a marriage. as far as to set a date without ever actually proposing to her. it was mostly that i knew i wanted to marry her but she became pushy for a marriage often calling me crying bc someone else got engaged or someone else was pregnant and she wanted those things for her. about a month after talking about marriage i realized that she was starting to become someone i didnt want to marry. she became money hungry and getting jobs that i would not want my wife or girlfriend to have as they seem degrading and not want i look for. she started doing drugs at her work place and thought it was no big deal but it took a heavy toll on me. i told her i could not marry her bc she was not the person i thought she was going to be. that she had changed her morals and her outlook to just getting as much money any way possible. that put our relationship is a bad place. we still moved in with each other 6 months later. i was pretty much hoping she would change and stop her bullshit but the ending of a "engagement" sent her spirling where i could not stop it or help her. during this move in, her son is with me much more. he begins to call me daddy even thought i protested against it. it started as when i had my child bee's child would call me daddy bc my child did. fine i get that. peep, bee's child, was too young to know what was going on. it only really started bc bee started calling me daddy all the time. i didn't want her to but it made sense when sweet, my child, was there. this cascaded to peep calling me daddy everyday. 6 months into the house together and 2.5 in the relationship we broke up. i immediately moved out and stop most contact. i would see peep from time to time. a couple months after we broke up we tried to get back together. we were sleeping together and being around peep together. peep, 3 year old at this time, still called me dad. i was having a hard time trying to work on things with bee and trust her that we didn't get much further. then the shit hit the fan. bee ended up having contact with the mother of my child. she was mad i wouldn't get back with her so she ended up arguing with the mother of my child and told her how i was the one doing drugs and that i was an addict when in fact it was bee that was the addict. to save my time with my daughter and how terrible of a thing that was for bee to do, i ghosted her. blocked her number and snap chat. she tried to tag me in a fb post about being a shit father and not being there for "his child" which is bullshit bc peep is not my child. i deleted the tag and blocked her on everything. 5 months later i am still heartbroken by this fallout. i ended up reconnecting with bee.(mistake) bc i missed her and her child. we hung out and had sex but she ultimately turned me down for her drug addiction. (i needed her to be sober and she would not promise she would so she said no.) so i end up just being there for her child. went to a birthday party for peep and stayed around as a friend. peep still called me dad and i hung around bee while she was mostly just fucked up on drugs. one night bee calls me drunk. she says she had been drinking with some friends but now it was just her and another guy friend. she said guy friend was trying to make moves on her and touch her leg. she wouldn't kick him out bc they were friends but she asked me to come get her and make sure he didn't try anything. i went and picked her up (mistake). while i was driving she was all over me. trying to kiss me and bite me. i kept pushing her off me but she fought the whole time. she kept trying to put her head in my lap to grab my dick and give me head but i wanted none of it bc idk where she had been since me and i had a girlfriend. i was just trying to be a good friend and help out peeps mom.. i went so far as to slam on the breaks in the middle of the street and tell her to stop trying to fuck me. she said ill fuck you right here in the middle of the road. pretty much that night ended with me pulling over and getting out. she threw a fit throwing my shit around my car hitting windows mirrors and kicking a door open. i pulled her to me ot get her to snap out and she got out of my truck and walked to a gas station and hitched a ride home. i was still there for peep after that but had zero respect for bee and did not trust her. so her lease was up and i was around for a bit one day to see peep. she told me that somehow the utility was still in my name and that i didnt fully transfer the bill to her name. she promised me she would pay and that she had plenty of money (from selling drugs at this point) that the $500 bill was nothin to her and she would pay it before she moved. i trusted her (mistake). she ended up moving to a different state but would have peep call me and i would see peep when they were in town. id even stop at peep grandparents when peep was there just to hang out while bee wasn't there. about a month ago i got a letter from utility saying i owed 500. i confronted bee about it and her response was "people lie just like when you said you were going to marry me". she proceed to ignore all inquiries about the bill for about a week. so i stopped contact all together with her and peep. that was about a month ago and she has recently started to harass me about being a shit father and i wasn't going to see peep anymore and that i wasn't going to be around to hurt peep again. this whole break up to right now has been just over a year. during all this i have struggled to try to be there for peep. peep doesnt deserve this bullshit but i don't deserve to be treated like that by bee. if peep was my child and i had rights, i would've taken peep away from bee long ago. am i the asshole for leaving peep behind bc i am done dealing with the shithole of person mother? please help me as i have thought about this every single day since it all began. it seems to consume me and i think a third person opinion could really help me make a decision one way or the other. upvote for not the asshole, down vote for the asshole.

nta

you are 100% nta!!! i recommend you call cps and explain about the drugs and stuff and say that you would be willing to foster or adopt peep as you already have a relationship with them due to being with the mother for some time.

i think you are nta in any way. it is pretty obvious that the mother of the two children should be put in prison for dealing drugs (and use), and from your post she is probably also neglecting her children. by the way, i think she is the asshole in this story and is using her children to sorta blackmail you into submission.

9oi2ug

aita for sending the witnesses to my buddies house.

like six months ago i found a link on reddit to request more information and a visit from the mormon church, so like any good friend, i signed everyone i knew up. well yesteriday they showed up to his house at like 7pm, he wasn't there unfortunately, but his wife was. she apparently got all freaked out when they asked for him by name, when they rang the bell, it set off the dogs and woke up their 11 month old. anyways she's all pissed and he's annoyed i think mostly about having to hear her complain.

yta

yta on two counts: you wasted the people's time who you sent. you may not understand why they do it, or find it funny and unusual but that's not the point, they're not there for you to act out practical jokes on your friends. it's a really annoying thing to do to your friends, and it would be disconcerting if people turn up asking for you or your family members by name. also you absolutely should apologize, if you want to pull pranks on your friends then that's up to you, but it's also up to you to apologize if they backfire because that's absolutely a risk.

yta. that's not remotely funny and was a jerk move.

9oj1qj

aita for wanting to have cas involved in my sister's life and have my nephew taken away?

so i live in alberta, ca and my sister lives in ontario, ca. ​ i've caught wind of multiple situations from my mother of abusive behavior from my sister towards her son. to start things off my nephew is 3 years old turning 4 in january. she got into a new relationship about a year ago and since then has been spiraling into some self destructive tendencies. her boyfriend regularly verbally abuses him and mistreats him while she's away. she's completely aware of his actions though. ​ during the summer months b (boyfriend) would take him and put him on top of his truck hood while he had shorts on so his legs would burn if ever he was acting up. they (sister and b) would force him into a corner and keep him there while they have friends over and are drinking/smoking. they regularly have avoided taking him to the doctors office. as far as i'm aware they're keeping a lot of stuff to do with my nephew off the books, illnesses, shots, anything that might involve them spending money on him if they don't have to. this child is essentially a pet that they'd rather not take care of if they don't have to.. ​ there's a lot more stuff that can be brought up here but i feel stuck being across the country and already having so little involvement in my nephews life. i'm scared for his safety but there's a part of me that looks at it as family and this can tear apart my nephews life. i can't have him brought out here. my mother is handicapped and can't care for a young child. beyond that we have no family support. ​ am i the asshole for wanting to get cas involved and have my nephew taken away to somewhere he can be supported or at least not abused and raised in a proper and healthy home? ​ \-if this doesn't seem like the right place to have this let me know. thanks for any input. ​ ​

nta

nta. protect the child make the call

no offense, but you're sister is being a right cunt by doing these things. screw her and call whoever you need to, better now than when he's older and really fucked in the head from the psychological trauma abuse causes. totally nta

9ojm4a

aita for being upset about my roommate's dog?

hi everyone! a few months ago, my roommate (who i have been living with for 1.5 years) went through a really bad breakup and decided to get a puppy. this was a decision that she made and eventually told me about. i didn't object (because i didn't really mind if she got a puppy), but at the same time i wasn't really involved in making the actual decision; she just told me she was doing this. i'm not really a dog person, but i'm pretty easy going and decided if this was something she needed, i wasn't going to object. my roommate had a hard time finding a puppy to adopt as she works full time and she's single, so many adoption agencies would not adopt to her. i told her that since i'm home some days, i'm happy to let the dog out/contribute where i can to support her. my roommate eventually found a breeder and got a jack russell puppy. after she got the puppy, she was told by our rental agency that her request to get a puppy was declined (i was under the impression that because she got a dog, it was okay with the agency). so now we have to hide it during inspections, be extra careful of barking, etc. puppy has been difficult to adjust to because he is not potty trained, chews things, etc. thus, my work load in the house has increased because when i'm home during the day, i'm cleaning up poop, mopping the floor more than i used to (because puppy can't hold in bladder just yet) and am now involved in potty training. this is exhausting as this is not my dog in the first place. yesterday, i came home to a $100 dollar pair of shoes of mine being chewed up and an expensive blanket of mine being peed on because roommate has decided it's time to let puppy "have free roam of the house." now i'm upset. i have addressed that i am upset about this to roommate. i told her i did not want the dog to be in the house unsupervised. she told me "he's a puppy, i don't want him locked in my room alone all day so you're going to have to make some compromises." she did not offer to compensate me for the shoes (i am a grad student and these shoes were probably the nicest thing i own at the moment). i feel like, as the puppy owner, the dog is her responsibility and that, by helping her with the puppy, i have been very accommodating of it and supportive of her. i am upset that i am expected to be ok with my things being wrecked by a dog that isn't mine and that i didn't ask for. however, i realize i should have communicated my expectations before the dog was adopted, and that it was naive to assume she would take responsibility for it the way i expected her to. so, because i didn't communicate these expectations sooner, am i the asshole for now being upset at the dog wrecking my things?

nta

nta. the dog should be in her room and she should compensate you for the shoes. that is some bs.

nta, your roommate is the owner and should be responsible for the damage the puppy does. she should be mopping the floor, cleaning up poop, etc more often not you its not your puppy. your roommate should have waited until after the rental agency gave her the response to the request. i do not know how your lease is but, if pets are not allowed and you have one, you can be evicted or fined heavily. when your roommate said that you should compromise, you already did by not not stopping her from having a puppy. good luck in your situation and you don't get evicted!

9ojqet

aita for finally not lending money to my parents?

i'm 23, just recently finished college, and i was one of the kids lucky enough to have a situation where i've made/saved a lot of money. my parents picked up on that pretty early on, so they'd ask for money/help from time to time, and i always did it. money for general house bills a few times was one thing. but then here are some things i ended up paying for: - down payment for both of their cars, about $2k each - paid about $2k for their rent one time - routinely gave money for their business, even one time when it was all i had left and a lot of other general things here and there. so my mom would pay me back most of the time, but my dad, wow, he's rarely ever paid me back. he's always promised to god this time or that time would be different and i'd get every penny back, but he's got year old debts to me (and i've never once asked about them, i've pretty much forgiven them as i made the money back). but man. today he went hard. he said he needed to talk to me which always means he needs money: he asked me for $8,000 eight fucking grand. the deal was that he'd pay me back before the end of the year (i've heard that one before) that he wouldn't lie, there would be no interest, but it would get him back on his feet (apparently it was for a house deal). i turned him down. i thought about it for two hours, and i heart wrenchingly said no. he's done this so many times that i decided i would rather live with my own guilt than to resent him for defaulting on that much money. in no way could i justify that, and i felt offended that he even put me in that position. either i give him the money and sit on edge for the rest of this year waiting for the day he can only pay me less than half of it back, or i don't give it to him, and feel guilty because his life is still fucked up. i also figured that, well he spent basically what i had left one time on his business, he has rarely ever paid me back, and this always gets more expensive. if i don't stop enabling the behavior now, when would it ever end? am i the asshole for not supporting him this time?

nta

nta, you have already given so much to them. you barely graduated college and need to start your own life!

nta only give money to family. don’t lend it.

9ojzi5

aita for not wanting to take a kid to disney world?

my family and i have been trying to plan a disney trip for nearly 10 years. my oldest nephew is 11 and since then my sister has had 3 more kids so it just kept getting pushed off. our family is finally at a place to afford to go and no newborns in the foreseeable future (we plan on going next september) my sister told her husband’s sister we were going and now the sister in law wants us to take her youngest daughter to our disney world trip... atia for not wanting this kid to join a family vacation? my sister thinks so but more context - all of us are chipping in to help my sister pay since she has 4 kids so i feel we should have a final say. i don’t think it was appropriate for the sister in law to ask but what’s done is done and my sister doesn’t want to tell a little girl “no, you can’t go to disney world” however i have no problem doing so.

nta

nta. you would be held responsible for a kid who's parents aren't there, you can't expect everyone to be so comfortable with that. if her parents want her to go to disney, tell at least one of them to take their own kid

nta. who just thinks it’s appropriate to invite themselves (or their kids, rather) on someone else’s vacation? and why is your sister getting upset with you when she’s not even paying?

9okcfk

aita for not wanting to allow spouses dogs to pee everywhere?

recently married and the marriage brought 2 little yap dogs along with it. my spouse never housebroke these monsters and even though they are neutered and crate trained, they pee and shit everywhere. i’ve tried training them for months now, taking them out every time they even look like they need to pee. i collect antiques and persian rugs, so i invested in diapers and wraps for the dogs. i was gone on business for a week and came back to a house that smelled so strongly of pee that i could hardly stand to come inside. i had repeatedly asked my spouse during phone calls if they had the dogs in their diapers, and i was told “yes, of course!” i used a black light when i got home today and it looked like a rhorschac test, including two of my wool rugs that had multiple urine stains and my leather chair, my danish modern butterfly chair, the kitchen and the bathroom walls. i treated all the places and then steam cleaned, but the house still stinks. i let them know i was angry and disappointed, but they just said “you knew what they were like when you moved in.” i’m to the point of moving out because i cannot cope with the filth and the smell. am i the asshole?

nta

your nta, but this is something you should have been completely aware of before marriage. who lives in that kind of squalor?

nta. move out. that’s disgusting, and your spouse has shown that the dogs matters more than you.

9okudj

aita for getting my flat matter sent back to prison?

so i'm in a sober living house. basically transitional housing for people recovering from addiction. we are get drug tested a few times a week, and go to an outpatient treatment program during the day. the house is a duplex and 4 of us love on one side, 4 on the other. i happen to be the only one with a car, so you can imagine how that goes. i've been trying to help people out with rides when i can, but honestly it was getting to be to much. i was on my way to a ca (cocaine anonymous) meeting and was about 20 minutes from the house. i get a freebie call from one of the dudes who lives in the other side of the house telling me (not asking) he needs a ride. he says it's an emergency. i've had a shit day anyway and don't want to go all the way back to take him whereever the fuck he wants to go. so i tell him no. i have a really hard time yelling people no, but have been trying work on it because honestly i can be kind of a pushover and people actually my good will. like it seems there's a fucking emergency every day. i go to the meeting, and he's calling and calling. i get a voice mail message telling me his mom's in the hospital and i need to give him a fucking ride. i talk to my sponsor after the meeting because i have 8 missed calls. he tells me to block him and not to give anyone anymore rides. i hang out after the meeting at the coffee shop for an hour or two because i didn't want to see him after and him all me for a ride. as i go to pull into the drive way though he comes running out. i until the passenger window and tell him i can't do it. he's like"what are you doing that's so much more important? it's a fucking emergency!" i'm determined to stand my ground and tell him it's not my emergency, and he could have walked down there 3 times in the times he's been waiting. for further background dudes a skinhead with nazi prison tattoos on his head. i'm a skinny many dude who bought drugs online. so i tell him that, and he yells"fucking faggot, do i have to get in there and punch you in the face!?" he's dead serious, and i'm not shit to get into a fight, and i'm not going to be bullied into it, so i put it in reverse to start to pull out. "your not going to run away from me you fucking bitch!" and he starts punching the side of the car and opens the door to get in. i step out on the gas and start driving away, my for hanging open and him chasing me down the street. i drive a but to an emotional parking lot and an just freaking out. i'm scared shitless and i know he's going to be super fucking pissed now. i honestly have no idea what to do. it's 1 am, i have nowhere to go, and i know he'll be back there waiting. so i call the police. i don't know what i'm going they'll do, just make sure i get in safely i guess. i'm so scared and worked uo i can barely talk, my voice is shaking. they take pictures of my car as he pulled part of the metal window trim off. so they escort me home and knock on his door and no one answers. i go inside and lock the doors. i call the house manager and he tells me he'll take care of it and he won't be coming back. i leave a note for my roommates to keep the door locked and bit let him in. hesitantly i grab a knife and sleep with it under my pillow. i wake up a few hours later and he's opening my bedroom door. someone left the house opened and he let himself in. i get up and grab the knife and scream at him to get out. he says he just wanted to apologize and i keep yelling at him to get the fuck out. he finally leaves when i tell him i'm calling the cops. this time i call the house manager so he can meet the cops there and let them in because they won't answer to cops. well turns out he was in part-time, and any police contact is a violation and he gets arrested and had to finish his sentence. seems cut and dry right? but everyone here is super pissed at me and telling me i'm the asshole. that i should have handled it differently and that i should never have got the police involved. they're also on probation or whatever so they'll have to report it to their case manager and think it will make them look bad. so now they all fucking hate me but i don't know what else i could have done. did i break some street code? why do i have to adhere to some bs code if i'm trying to or if that lifestyle. it sucks because i have nowhere else to go and am really trying to grow and better my life and now i'm in this shitty situation. tl;dr called police on roommate for threats of violence and he got thrown back in prison. aita?

nta

nta, if it was an emergency he would not have waited for you to be done with your plans for the night at the coffee shop and left on his own. he put himself in that situation not you, and did damage to your vehicle.

nta. he threatened violence, and you needed to protect yourself. if it was such an emergency, he could have found another way there instead of harassing and threatening you.

9okwld

aita for being annoyed about my sister inviting an unofficial boyfriend to thanksgiving?

my wife and i have been married for almost 4 years. my half sister lives across the country and has not met my wife. my sister has for the last few years been going through a midlife crisis. she lost a bunch of weight, left her husband, and has been basically acting a fool ever since. jumping from fling to fling and acting like a teenager. well she just notified us a few weeks ago that she’s coming for thanksgiving and asked to stay with us. we agree. then today, our dad tells me that she’s bringing a friend. i dig deeper, immediately suspicious and learn it’s a quasi-boyfriend. apparently they’ve dated off and on for a while and have broken a few times. so she’s invited a guy that she’s not even serious about to our thanksgiving and made no attempt to even ask or even run it by us. it made me pretty mad, because she keeps making decisions where she puts some boyfriend over her family. am i the asshole?

nta

nta. she was going to bring a complete stranger into your home without telling you.

nta - you don’t know this guy at all and it’s your sister who is the asshole for assuming she can bring a guy that nobody has met and stay in your home. he could be the nicest guy in the world....or he could be the worst, personally i wouldn’t have a complete stranger in my home for a family event.

9omqrw

aita for saying no to my boyfriend after we've already had sex at least once that day?

we both have very high sex drives and have sex at least once a day, but can be anywhere up to 5 times. however, sometimes i'm just simply tired or have things to get on with and tell him no, as long as we've already had sex that day. he tells me he feels 'rejected' and is scared of a sexless marriage. i'd understand this if we weren't having sex, but i find it insulting that he kicks up a fuss and feel guilt tripped, especially as we do it so often. i don't want to feel pressured into it but i do want to please him.

nta

nta. i think it is horribly important that it's understood that sex should only be engaged in when >both< parties want it. if he feels rejected from that, there may be some issue of insecurity on his side that comes up when faced with you turning down sex (which is something that needs to be confronted imo), but that should never be a reason for you to feel bad or give in to sex you don't want. it sounds like a very personal topic, which may mean it'll be very emotionally charged and easy to get a bad response or hurt feelings over, but this is *incredibly* important to talk about honestly and work through as adults and partners.

nta. you aren’t ever, ever obligated to give someone sex.

9onio6

aita for giving up on my adult son & refusing to help him this time? long post

i’m at my absolute wits end & i cannot work out if i’m an overreacting asshole. bit of background, although i’ve never been able to put into context either privately or publicly. i’ve been married for almost 20 years, with two sons, 15 & 18. the eldest has always been a bit different, although was a pretty perfect child, got through primary school with no dramas, was well spoken & behaved. the only exception was he was lazy in himself, would take any & every kind of food, especially other people’s, sneak it into his room then stash the mountains of rubbish in several obscure places. if i went looking or asking for something missing, he’d deny taking it, then even help me look for it and deny it again-even after i’d found the evidence in his room. he would do the same thing with clothes, never put anything away, shove countless dirty towels & clothes anywhere that was weird & id have to pull his room apart regularly to try to find them & clean it up-obv wanting him to wear clean clothes & not live in filth. he’d go as far as to wear the same socks/underwear to school for a week instead of putting anything in the wash, despite me happily washing laundry every day before work & asking for it to be put in the laundry. this continued for years & might seem insignificant but it has only gotten more extreme and the issues much bigger & more frequent as the years went by. i tried absolutely everything, thousands of hours spent talking to him, laundry hamper/bin in his room, taking away his privileges, grounding him, not buying snacks & monitoring the laundry & fridge (sad ik) then came him stealing money, missing school, sneaking out, smoking, sleeping around & smoking pot-along with the increasing bedroom filth-which is putrid at best- rotten food, plates, cups ect & sneaking girls into his room while home alone and leaving the evidence for me to find. he was so good at deceptive behavior. then he got his license. he’d passed his drivers test a week prior to me being away. he asked/begged his father & grandmother for money, saying i didn’t leave him any, then said his debit card was not working, so i sent him another $100 via his brothers account-not knowing he wanted petrol money & cigarettes/alcohol. he was up to his old tricks & it was all about him. i received a phone call from him the next day to tell me he’d had a car accident- only as he couldn’t lie his way out of it. he’d been down a local field smoking & letting his ‘mates’ do burnouts in my car, got in & tried it himself and flipped it on its roof (all unhurt luckily) wrote it off & copped a negligent driving charge & 3 demerit points. the insurance excess & fines totaled $2500 which i paid as he was unemployed & still at school. he was grounded for 6 months & had all privileges revoked-after giving me several different versions of what caused the accident & his mates telling the truth-but he fought us the whole time. he wouldn’t do his basic chores, missed school, would sneak his ps4 & phone back, stealing, lying, sneaking out. he’d tell his father & i different accounts of where he was & played us against each other (as we were going through a rough patch at the time & struggling from the sudden loss of 3 family member, he got away with it & even with that, he didn’t stop) the six month grounding was up after he seemed to have pulled his head in towards the middle & end-so i wanted to believe. he turned 18 & graduated year 12 & we had a party & were supportive of both occasions/milestones, relieved that we thought/hoped it was all behind us. today i went through his room (4th time since he turned 18) i threw out several garbage bags of rubbish, plates, clothes-the usual & found a final notice of a $275 speeding fine (& 4 points) that he earned whist still grounded 3+ months ago (he’d snuck out) & hadn’t paid or intended to mention. meanwhile he may now ineligible for an apprenticeship he’d applied for, has been driving while unsure if suspended in my car and stole money out of my room (empty money box was found in his room, but is denying it, of course) he’s saying now, after being confronted, that he has no concept of any possible repercussions, hates living here, we don’t understand him and is suicidal, despite me offering/suggesting professional help for a long time & him refusing. now he has a new girlfriend, if we say anything to him at all, call him out or ask questions, he leaves & stays over there for days at a time & refuses to contact us so now i’m happy to let him try & make it out there on his own, since we are such shit parents. he’s ruined our family dynamics & relationships. his brother resents the trouble he’s caused & we are all miserable & constantly on edge. i can’t forgive or forget anything as he’s shown no remorse or respect. he wasn’t raised this way & it’s difficult for me to look at him right now. i’m sorry for the long essay, i’m shattered and disappointed & hoping i’m not the asshole that’s let it go on for 15 years and his dad now said i’m harsh as i’m refusing to pay his fine this time & think that it’s time to be accountable & face the consequences ...and it’s my first ever post. thank you if you read this far down, i appreciate it- it’s also the shortest version i could write- there’s so much more. edit- thank you for every opinion. i’m looking at it from all angles & there are perspectives that i hadn’t thought of. so, he came home last night, as i said. it’s frustrating that despite what may be obviously reckless behaviour, there has been absolutely no mention of any suicidal tendencies, ever-until yesterday, when he’s caught out again! like he said, yes i can talk to you, yes you’d understand but i don’t want to. his father & i have been demonised, ever since he got his licence & he doesn’t need us anymore, he has his girlfriend & mates. we feel we are being played, like it’s somewhat of an excuse or attempt to gain sympathy, as we lost an uncle, a nephew and he lost a friend friend to suicide in the last 18 months alone & are grieving- but, every option & opportunity for a therapist, assessment ect will be encouraged and i’m thinking it is a non negotiable if he wants to move forward & maybe as a family also. he shed maybe two tears last night, while we sat with him for three hours and he had no excuse, no real remorse or anything to say. it’s the way he acted last time, blank stares and just hoping we will shut up & he can go to his room. he came out after everyone else was in bed last night, after hiding in his room with the gf. didn’t eat the meal we cooked but made toasted sandwiches at 11pm, & left a mess. he’s currently up with his gf as she has to work, he knows i’m up to see his brother on the school bus every day, so he’s making sure i can’t be alone with her- i suspect (he will sleep until 12pm if he can usually, so that’s weird) he and has walked passed both my youngest & myself without speaking a work, although his girlfriend said bye as she left & he’s now gone back to bed. all true to form, the pattern continues. all things considered, there’s no excuse for me to now be ‘punished’ for dare questioning him or having an opinion/not being ok with his shitty choices... but, here we are again. it’s a viscous cycle.

nta

nta but... this is a tough one. the way you act now will affect the course of your relationship forever. trust me, i know. i was very similar to your son at his age and, sadly, for quite a few years longer. if you let him walk all over you now that he is 18 and an adult, he wont stop. it will only get worse. but, if you alienate him entirely, your relationship may never recover. at 14, i was doing all of the same things as your son. i got lucky, my parents have incredibly strong family values and trusted enough in themselves that they raised me right and that it was just a phase. but they had the money to fix the car when i wrecked it, or pay the speeding tickets i received. i never stole money because i didn't need to, parents would've given me money if i asked. i will say though, i really was depressed. and that's dangerous. depression, like any other mental illness, is an incredibly sensitive topic today. some people will say if your son is truly suicidal or depressed you need to support him through it. judging by the behaviors: constant uncleanliness, complete disregard for authority, disregard for his own health and safety, stealing, etc., it sounds like he really is depressed. if you have the means to support him on some level and care about him getting better or maintaining your relationship in the future, i would try to support him the best you can. but on your own terms. ultimately, the only thing that got me through was getting away. living at home with no real bills or responsibility did me no good. i worked because i didn't like asking for money but the money i made all went toward partying. it wasn't until i decided i needed a change and moved across the country, that i realized how hard i had to work to survive. when you're depressed, free time is the enemy. i quickly realized that i would need to work constantly if i wanted any amount of fun money left over after the bills were paid. so i picked up 3 jobs, and worked 80-100 hours a week to pay the bills and support my lifestyle. i quickly learned that that wasn't the type of life i wanted. i'm back in school now, still on the other side of the country from my family, still working full time. but my depression, while never fully gone, is very much under control. and my relationship with my parents is better than it has ever been. they never stopped believing in me though. always answered when i called, and didn't get upset in the beginning when i didn't call them for a month at a time, while i was figuring it all out. if you care about your son (it sounds like you do), and you trust that you've given him the tools to survive, it's time for him to learn that life isn't a cakewalk. there are no free lunches. if you have the means, i would send him out with a clean bill of debt. it's hard enough with no university education to get a job that pays a living wage. having a pile of debt hanging over your head that could potentially result in legal trouble down the line only makes things harder. but it's time for him to grow up. answer him when he calls because you never know what kind of trouble he might be in out there. my depression got worse before it got better. if you can, offer him first months rent and help him move but make it clear that he's on his own. if there's something he wants to do that you support and can afford, like uni or therapy, feel free to support that how you can. i'd recommend that he gets far away. the further away from the comforts of his old life and his mates the better. sometimes when you need a total shift in mentality, you need to change as much of your physical world as possible. in any event, you're not the asshole. he's 18 now. while i don't think that makes him inherently mature, he's old enough to get thrown to the wolves. he'll figure it out. but make sure he knows you love him and support him in whatever he decides to do. if he doesn't want to go to uni, don't press it. he'll get there if he's meant to. if he's okay with a simple life, you should be okay with that for him. sometimes a little tough love is exactly what a guy needs to get in order. just do anything in your power to make sure he knows that this is because you care and not because you don't. good luck. i know how hard this is, and it will get harder before it gets better. but it sounds like it's time.

i second the behaviour specialist! those behaviours are massively extreme and suggests something else is contributing i understand your frustratiins though si nta

9oo3jh

wibta if i decided to leave my mother behind to live by myself in the future?

i feel as if i'm not in a good relationship with my mother. we both argue over minimal things which results in her cussing me out and calling me disrespectful just for stating my opinion on the matter (ex. i didn't understand why my mother wanted the dishes done immediately when i could've finished my hw then the dishes, which started a argument. looking back at it, i was a dick in that scenario.) and at times our arguments turn into her hitting me and insulting me for stuff i did. a week ago i expressed some stuff that i felt was negatively impacting our relationship with my mother and how it still affects me to this day and she responded by saying that she wasn't a good enough mother for me and she wasn't good enough for my step-dad (they both got into some issues as well, of which i won't say) and she was going to run away so she didn't have to deal with my shit. i had to spend a week with my grandmother to get away from her while the rest of my family looked for her. when i was with my ex at the time she insulted the both of us cause i refused to go to a dance with her. i can't stand this relationship anymore, and i already had thoughts of leaving my mother as soon as i finished high school. wibta if i did that?

nta

nta; toxic relationships often come from family as well as friends and the like, and all can be equally valid to distance yourself from. it sounds like there are probably a lot of issues on her side, likely many that have nothing to do with you per say, but you still suffer the effects of. i can't judge moment-to-moment on whether or not you both act a bit a-hole-ish to each other in your general exchanges (hitting someone is still really not okay, though!), but overall, if the relationship is almost purely negative and a weight on your life, then i don't think it's an a-hole move to look for distance. if taking care of yourself and finding happiness means living by yourself, go for it.

nta. i did the same. moved out as soon as i could and eventually another country and cut all ties. i have a brilliant life now without the toxicity. good luck to you

9or2mz

aita for stepping outside of a class to take a phone call?

i was sitting in a lecture hall of about 80 people today during one of my college courses, and my phone was buzzing repeatedly. i checked and i was receiving a phone call from a job i had applied for, i had been waiting for a few days to hear back from them. i let the phone ring as i did not want to take the phone call in the middle of class, but they called back. 6 times. and my phone kept buzzing so finally, i quietly got up and stepped into the hall to answer the phone. i was gone for about 2 minutes, and when i came back, the teacher’s assistant, another older student, pulled me to the side and said “you shouldn’t talk on the phone in the middle of class” i replied “i’m very sorry, my phone was blowing up and it was kind of an important call but it won’t happen again” the ta gave me a weird look and said “that’s no excuse, you shouldn’t talk on the phone in the middle of class, now go sit down” in a rude tone like i was bothering him or wasting his time, and then after class i heard him go over to the professor and tell him what had happened. i feel worried that it was rude of me to do this, but other students in the class get up to use the restroom all the time, and half of the students normally sit and play on their phones anyway. i don’t do this and i take notes and pay attention during the lectures. i felt the ta was making this a much bigger deal than it was. edit- the ta only knew i was taking a phone call to begin with because he watched me from the small window on the classroom door while i was in the hallway, i did not answer my phone in the lecture room. edit 2- i say “let the phone ring” but the phone was on vibrate. it was not ringing aloud in class but still was very distracting to me as the phone is in my pocket and possibly to people directly near me as the vibration makes noise as well

nta

nta, just got a pissed off ta

nta some calls are too important to not pick up, you politely tried to not answer it while in class and then stepped out so as to not create a distraction. maybe next time you could go to the bathroom then magically it's ok to be on your phone.

9or7c9

aita for breaking up with my girlfriend over her past

when my recently ex girlfriend and i started dating i knew she had cheated on her last boyfriend with many guys over the course of years. this sounds worse than it is because he had basically said that she could do this as long as he didn't know because they would be apart from each other for long periods of time. to add to it, he had a low sex drive while she was quite the opposite and so that was their solution. the issue arose when we were talking about some of the people she had slept with. a lot of them were mutual friends and it kind of made me uncomfortable but nothing that would be a deal breaker. then after a couple months of dating it came up that one of the people she was consistently sleeping with behind her boyfriends back was her best friends fiance. she is their childs god mother and they all still live in the same house together. i spend a lot of time with her best friends and their kid and i cant understand how she can just act like nothing ever happened day after day. she interacts with them all the time and just keeps the lie up. she has told me that if the truth came out that her best friend would murder her. it came to the point where i couldnt even talk to this guy anymore because of what he had done to his family and i couldnt justify not feeling the same way about my girlfriend. this ate away at me until i got to the point where i had to explain to her that i just cant trust her and we broke up. all this being said, she was the most caring, loving, generous, girlfriend i have ever had and it fucking breaks my heart to feel the way i do. aita for not trusting and breaking up with an amazing girl because of her inability to make (recent) past mistakes right?

nta

nta. if her past bothers you that much, you should leave the relationship. i would have left the relationship too, there are way too many red flags with ur ex

nta!! bless you and your morals! i could understand if she and the ex had an open thing going, but they didn’t, and to be so calloused that she doesn’t feel any remorse is scary, but then that last part... this girl is toxic

9os7yh

aita if i told my ex's fiancee about nudes she sent me?

so to preface the girl in question was my closest friend before we began dating this past summer. our relationship didn't last longer than a month as she admitted to sleeping with her ex over a text,and when i wanted to talk about ignored me for 5 days before telling me that they were engaged once again over a text. i tried talking to her a second time, but all she could muster was "i didn't mean for this to happen". despite that i tell her i hope it goes well a few hours after that her boyfriend/fiancee texts me thanking me for the blessings. a little more background, this guy despises me. he always saw me as a threat to their relationship in the past. blocking my number on her phone and getting angry when she talked to me even before there was any sign of romance between us. he told me that he "made mistakes" and that he'll treat her better. so at this point both of them were on my shit list so out of spite i told him that she had sent me nudes because i knew it would make him jealous and just ghosted after i saw his shocked reaction. i know this most likely means i'm an asshole but i'm wondering if i right to have a a slight feeling of vindication. the interesting thing is just today she casually messages me to play the cod together like we used to years ago, and we did, as if none of this ever happened and had fun.

yta

yta; pulling that is a nice way to show you care about feeling vindicated more than her happiness imo. dude sounds like he could be a jerk, but going off of this, you may very well be too, sorry.

if he sent you a message thanking you for the blessings, and your response is to brag about getting nudes of his girlfriend, yta. even if he was being sarcastic with the thanks, it's still a petty response from you. if you want to repair the friendship with *her*, stop using your former relationship as a way to point-score with *him*.

9otxuw

aita for making my boyfriend clean up?

i have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years we have been living together for 1 1/2. at our old apartment i did not pay my fare share so i did not mind doing more of the house work to make up for it. we moved so i could be closer to my family and to find a cheaper renting situation. when we moved it also increased his commute about 30min and deceased mine to 5 min. we now also split everything 50/50 money wise at the new place. my boyfriend is a drinker and loves to come home from work drink a few, eat, and then fall asleep on the couch. i don’t bitch about the drinking and i don’t bitch about sleeping on the couch. what i hate is the mess he makes. he leaves his bottles everywhere, he flings the bottle caps everywhere, will leave half eaten sandwiches out. he will just not clean up after himself. i ask nicely “please pick up your mess” all the time and just nothing, then i get all bitchy and yell at him after asking him nicely 10 times to pick up and he doesn’t. he just says “ i am tired, my commute is so long, i had a long day, why are you being mean.” he makes 85% of the mess and i clean up 90% of it. am i the asshole for making him clean up?

nta

nta. he’s being a lazy asshole

nta. this is some truly basic hygiene, so i'm not buying the "too tired" line.

9ozv11

aita for not giving the discount to the spouse?

so i work at an aquarium and am often working the register to sell admission, we give a 50% discount on ticket price to residents of the city we are in. the only thing is, you have to show proof that you live in the city and to that end we ask for a photo id. we also allow bank statements and leases with name and address, even an amazon delivery to a address in the city so long as it has your name attached to it. now we often get people in the suburbs who they get the discount because we're in the same county, people who have been living in the city for months but havent updated their id for whatever reason. however, i get a lot of people where only one person in the group can prove residency and expect it to pass over to the rest of the group. children under the age of 18 dont need to prove residency if attended by a adult, but otherwise you cannot use your own id to prove that family members live in the city. &#x200b; however, one thing that im often torn on is spouses. i often get one to prove their residency but the other for whatever cant do that. ('i forgot it in the car', 'i didnt know i had to show id', 'well my spouse has already proven to you that they live here so why do i need to?' are just some those excuses) i simply tell them that our terms for the discount is clear, all guests over the age of 18, unless not accompanied by an adult, must show proof of residency. so i charge the spouse a full price while giving the other the discount, most of the times they argue but either pay the price or leave. tldr; am i the asshole for not giving someone a resident discount even though their spouse has proven residency?

nta

nta. i sell tickets at a major theme park that has residency requirements for discounts, and i have to refuse spouses without their own id all the time. rules are rules.

nta, you're just doing your job. you shouldn't risk your employment just so someone can get a discount to see fishes. the person who made the policy is a bit of an asshole though when it comes to the spouse thing.

9p1400

aita my friend keeps coming into my fraternity room and using my private single bathroom without telling me. i told him next time he is going to my room he needs to ask me first.

i came home late last night and found clothes on the floor that werent mine. i found out he used my shower(he knows my code) and he used it without telling me. i told him not to go into my room without me knowing and he asked if i was ok. am i the asshole for wanting respect of my privacy?

nta

nta. can you change your door code?

nta; asking if it's okay to use your personal bathroom would be basic etiquette on his part.

9p24yd

aita for looking at other girls while in a relationship

am i in the wrong for admitting to my girlfriend that i do look at other girls that i find attractive? i never do it when i am with her as that is very disrespectful imo. she point-blank asked me whether or not i check out other girls bodies etc and now she is extremely mad at me for not getting the answer that she expected. i guess i am starting to feel guilty and i want another point of view on this situation.

nta

nta. you can't actively control who you find hot and as long as you love your girl and treat her good, neither of you have anything to fear. it's not like you're cheating on her or neglecting her, you just find people attractive, that's all.

nta. how old are y'all? its completely normal and natural to look at other attractive people, even in a relationship. now, going overboard and commenting on them, pursuing them, etc would make you an asshole while in a relationship.

9p332l

aita my sister is 22 years of age, but mentally 5-6. i talk to her a few dozen times a year.

she has bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and adhd. she lives in a group home and has ever since she had a tantrum when she was 7, i was 8, and punched my mom in the face as we were driving away from a restaurant; my sister was angry because she peed her pants on the way, didn't say anything, and as we were going into the restaurant i noticed her pants were soaked. so we were headed back home so we could just make some dinner there. i love my sister but have never been close to her, i don't know how to connect with her. i didn't and still don't understand why on one day she would know how to spell three and four letter words and string thoughts or sentences together as if she was a teenager, and on other days she'll be writing giant barely eligible letters and misspelled three letter words she knew in the past. i see her roughly every 2 weeks, probably about 20-30 times a year. i get impatient and can't be around her for even two or three hours. she is always asking for things, every 5 minutes, more food, more toys, more games, doesn't like the movie she chose 10 minutes ago, makes a giant mess with all these things, meanwhile, she may or may not have pissed her pants within the last hour. i do my best to have a good time with her, listen to music she likes, colouring books, playing games with her. but she loses interest and goes to something else or starts hitting herself in the chest, gets frustrated over little things you or i would brush off in the blink of an eye. she lies straight to your face about things you saw her do, steals change and food in the middle of the night. i found her one time mixing about 3 cups of mayonnaise into 1 can of tuna. i don't know how to treat her, don't know how to talk to her, don't know how to behave around her. i don't know how to be a better brother and most days i do think about how to change that. but i haven't yet.

nta

nta, i work in a mental facility and if you haven't been exposed to that kind of thing, it's hard to grasp how lost a person can get. fwiw i wrote this whole thing out and erased it because i think a story illustrates better. but the short version is that the first time i ever had to run to a unit that had a patient out of control, it was for a guy that was maybe 120 lbs. and he was standing in his doorway screaming "by the power of god!!!!!! you may not enter this rooooooom!" and he was screaming all this crazy crap and trying to chant prayers asking the lord to bind us and make us weak. it was nuts and as a young nurse my eyes were like saucers just witnessing it. a couple of days later i went back to that unit for something and i asked the desk clerk. "what's up with that crazy guy?" and being a psych unit, the guy looked at me and said "what crazy guy?". and i looked puzzled at him and said "what crazy guy? the friggin power of god guy!" the guy looked at me and told me that he was fine now. and i'm thinking how could that possibly be? and when they checked his labs he had an electrolyte imbalance, and once it was corrected he was normal again. because that's how fragile sanity is. a little bit of an imbalance is the difference between completely sane and batshit crazy. and the meds they use to correct can really dim a person. it's hard for you to relate to because you aren't sick the way she is. that's not a sin on your part. but try to remember it as best that you can. trust me your sister wishes things were different too.

nta. a relative of mine sounds very much so like your sister — we see her at thanksgiving and christmas, maybe. her father dodges her calls when he can; she lives down south in an assisted living place. it’s something that not everyone is equipped to deal with. and i don’t think that makes you an asshole at all. we never know how to deal with my family member. you know they mean well, and you love them. but that doesn’t mean the connections have been there, or will be there, between you and them. you’re trying. and that’s all you can do. maybe it’ll come to you one day, and maybe it won’t. either way? not on you. life dealt you a difficult hand. this is how it’s playing out.

9p3543

aita for getting a tattoo that'll cause my mother sadness?

i've been planning on getting a tattoo for a long time now and whenever i would tell my mom about it she would just take it as a joke. a couple weeks ago i paid an artist to draw me up the design i wanted. i don't care for going into detail on the tattoo but it has a snake on it. today i finally booked my appointment and i told my mother. she wasn't happy to say the least. my mother is a jehovah witness so she hates most things but one thing she hates in particular is any form of imaginary of the devil, and that means snakes. now, i'm not getting this tattoo despite her, although i do dislike her beliefs and find it wrong that she tried to push me down that path my whole life. i just want this tattoo because well, it's something i've always wanted but she thinks i'm simply getting it because i 'hate her' and 'the devil has taken control of me'. at the end of the day, i'm still getting this tattoo but i just need to know, am i being an asshole?

nta

clearly nta. not her body, not her choice.

nta. your body, not her decision.

9p4h1z

aita for refusing to go to autism related appointments, or seek treatment for it?

so, to put a long story short, i'm diagnosed with (high functioning) autism, adhd, depression, anxiety and a physical disorder that leaves me unable to work (it's kind of irrelevant for the most part, so i don't want to go into it). &#x200b; my dad keeps setting up appointments and things for me to go to relating to autism, believing it to be the best thing for me. things like seeing autism specialist doctors, support groups, things like that... however, i don't want to do any of that. here's why... &#x200b; i don't believe i have autism. i'm only diagnosed because during the assessment (which i went to because he wanted me to), he spoke for me, and told me he was going to "bend the truth" to assure the diagnosis. i went along with it because he said it in a threatening way, and at the time i lived with him and didn't want to be thrown out. he had also convinced me i had it at that point, because he was the only person helping me. &#x200b; after getting the diagnosis however, i realized... i don't click with it whatsoever! i've spoken with autistic people, their troubles seem completely different to mine, i don't meet much in the diagnostic criteria (and the things i do meet match with adhd, which is a genuine problem and struggle for me... which i'll add barely gets any attention or treatment because everyone is pressing the autism issue). my dad contacts every doctor he can that i have anything to do with to tell them not to listen to me, and fills them with the same lies and made up stories. i live in england and he's involved in the nhs, so it's hard to avoid since he knows who to contact, but i've managed to with my adhd doctors who agree autism doesn't make any sense or fit, as well as an autism specialist i saved up for for two months to paid out of pocket to see just to prove to myself i'm not crazy (and with him, i pretended to suspect autism, i didn't mention any previous diagnosis or the situation). i've thought about the idea that maybe i do have it and i'm just in denial, but any tests i take (aq test for example < 10 points), i score incredibly low. i have no trouble socializing (growing up i was isolated, but that was due to my physical disorder and anxiety) when i'm treated for my adhd - as the adhd medication helps my anxiety and depression too because i can actually do other things than sit there in a haze, which in turn makes me think less negative thoughts. i don't constantly misunderstand people. i don't do any of that! &#x200b; i already barely attend any appointments because it's a waste of time in my eyes. i'm debating trying to change doctors and start fresh without telling my dad, and explain the entire situation to try and get it remedied, and see another psychiatrist who he hasn't spoken to. he thinks he's being genuinely good, but it's hurting me. he always talks about "how autistic i am" literally in those words and it drives me crazy. i think it's because i don't like being around him, i don't want him in my life, he's a narcissistic control freak who doesn't listen. he gets his claws into everyone. if he finds out i have friends, he tries to contact them and tell them about my "autism" and to "step on eggshells around me". i only have a few close friends who he's managed to find, and they told him to pound sand thank god. i don't have much in way of family, but the little i do have who aren't related to my dad directly agree with me (including my mum who separated from him because of his controlling ways). &#x200b; am i the asshole for not wanting to go to these appointments and support groups, and instead wanting to chase a consistent treatment (i'm currently unmedicated - i suck at chasing things up) for adhd, as well as see a new nhs psychiatrist to see what they think about the autism issue? &#x200b; *sidenote: apparently autism shows up differently in men and women, and i'm a woman for what it's worth.*

nta

yikes... if what you say is true about what your dad did that’s super fucked up and he could get charged. nta anyway since you have no obligation to go to doctors appointments that you don’t want to go to, assuming you’re an adult. good luck btw

nta. even if you *were* on the spectrum, the way he's going about things is the absolute worst. we're not supposed to be treated like we're stupid or need everyone's help, we're supposed to be taught to be independent and capable; telling your friends to handle you carefully is really shitty. so no, you're not the asshole for fighting back against this. also you're right that it presents differently in women, which leads to a lot of misdiagnoses (i was diagnosed with adhd-pi first, then recently asd). the diagnostic criteria doesn't take into consideration the differences between male and female socialization, which leads to girls being overlooked. but if you don't have it, you don't have it, and trying to treat something you don't have is going to hurt you in the long run.

9p55fo

aita for not helping my friend out with work?

to begin with, i just found this sub and this incident happened about a month ago, but it has been bothering me ever since, and this seems like the perfect place for it. apologies if i mess something up. so, one of my best friends (i'll call her kelly) and i have been friends since 4th grade. we have been there for each other thru a lot and consider each other like sisters. recently kelly got a job with a solar panel company going door to door setting up consultations. she asked me once right after she got the job if i would agree to a consultation. i said no because our roof is old and would have to be replaced, and we don't have to money to do it right now. she let it go without too much fuss. somehow my number got entered into their system anyway and they called me almost every day for like 5 months asking if i wanted solar panels. now, the incident. kelly called me offering me $100 to agree to a consultation, saying she was tired, didn't feel like going door to door anymore and didn't want her company yelling at her for not setting up any meetings that day. i said no for the reasons i mentioned above, and also bc i'm pretty introverted and didn't want strangers in my house trying to talk me into doing something i already knew i wasn't going to do. i also don't like getting involved in my friend's jobs and never ask them to get involved with mine. then she says i can cancel the meeting later in the week, just let her set it up so she doesn't get yelled at. i say no again, i really don't want them calling me every day for another five months. kelly starts begging and trying to convince me for about a half hour until my husband came home, then she called him to try to convince him. he told her no as well, but not as nicely as i did. the next day, she sent us both a bunch of angry face emojis all day until my husband flipped on her and they got into a huuuuge fight. he told her she was being a shitty friend for trying to guilt trip me and she said he's an asshole and she hated him. she did text me apologizing for pushing too hard, but she also threw in another guilt trip, saying she was hurt that i wouldn't do it and she thought i would have her back like that. which i do feel guilty about, bc like i said, we have been like sisters for more than 20 years even if we haven't always been in contact. and it wouldn't have costed me anything but time, awkwardness and a lot of annoying phone calls. so should i have just sucked it up and done it? tldr: friend wanted me to set up a solar panel consultation for her job, i said no, big fight ensued.

nta

she's ta... you're nta... you politely declined.... if she'd put half the effort she put with you both she'd get her door to door quota met.

nta. she sounds like she was being a shit friend. it goes both ways. she shouldn't try to push you after you told her no once, just because she doesn't want to do her job.

9p55oh

aita for not wanting to go out of town with my wife's friend that i hate?

background: a while back my wife and i were going through a rough patch (basic drifting apart). when her friend was going through a sudden divorce, i proposed she stay with us, in hopes of garnishing some good will. this bit me in the ass as she actively shit talked me to my wife while staying with us for a full year. anything i would say or do could and would be used against me later. now: my wife's friend wants us all (including her new bf whom i haven't met) to go out to a cabin at the lake. this was a plan for just her and my wife, but now she wants all of us to go. i was completely honest with my wife and said that i didnt want to go but would if it was that important to her. no matter what, i will be the bad guy here. at least this way i can save us some needless drama. so tell me, am i the asshole?

nta

you already know.... dammed if you do damned if you don't... but know you're nta. you can however quickly become one of you let this hate get the best of you if you go...

you're nta. some people like you describe can't fully grasp life and really look in the mirror. it is more than okay to avoid that situation.

9p58ws

aita for wanting to travel

so a little bit of background. i’m a 21f american that attends private college. i’ve attended 2 years community college and am in my final 2.5 years at a private institution and graduate in dec 2019. it’s expensive so my parents have taken out a plus loan in their name with the agreement that i’m actually the one who’s paying it back after i graduate. in addition to that i’ve had multiple scholarships and receive vocrehab bc i wear hearing aids. i’ve made the honor roll last semester and am on track to keep it this semester. i plan to enroll in grad school in fall 2020, which will be self funded. as a celebration and a break from classes and my full time job, i’ve been planning a trip to central europe that is self funded and inexpensive (around $2500 with flights for 3 weeks). my parents are adamant that i’m not going. they refuse to let me go by myself. claiming “it’s not safe” even after i show them statistics on crime and the research i’ve done. when i say that i’m still going, they threaten to withdraw their plus loan support, which they know would leave me unable to finish school and dependent on them. so am i the asshole for wanting to treat myself for three weeks because they’ve signed a loan that i will be paying back? genuinely conflicted on this.

nta

nta it seems like you've got things figured out for yourself. and while parents can be overprotective, and it can be hard for them to adjust, threatening to cut off a pre-agreed arrangement for unrelated reasons is unnecessarily controlling. hope you guys find a way to come to terms

nta although i believe your parents do have the choice of withdrawing their loan support.

9p5rq3

aita for not wanting to move in together with my girlfriend unless rent can be split 50/50?

she's (24f) a student and i (30m) have worked fornsome years and make decent money. we are looking for a place but the apartments she looks at is at a rent level where i would have to pay ~65% of the rent to even make it barely work. even though we did it this way, she would still not have alot for herself every month. i don't wanna start out by being so unequal in terms of finances but on thebither side i get the feeling that it is unreasonable of me to say so, because i make good money and technically could pay the extra money. i have no need to live in brand new big fancy apartments and could easily go for a cheaper location for example. am i the asshole?

nta

nta, but in unequal split happens in a relationship. you're not flat mates after all. however if shes looking at too expensive places, that's a non starter.

nta, i would take 30% of your income and 30% of her income, add it together and that's what you can afford.

9p7m8t

aita for yelling at my housemates girlfriend because she chopped up a live fish from our fish tank and fed it to the other fish?

after a big night out my housemate, his girlfriend (let's call her the slaughterer) and a few other friends got back to our house to carry on the drinking antics and play some card games. i wasn't that keen to stay up so i took myself upstairs and went to bed. about half an hour later, i needed to come down for a glass of water and as i walked in there was a huge commotion. i was soon advised by the other parties that the slaughterer had scooped out one of the smaller fish and chopped it up while it was still alive on **my** chopping board with **my** knife and proceeded to throw the bits of fish in the tank to feed the other fish. i freaked out for several reasons: - firstly, because i think it's inhumane; - secondly, because, yuck, that is my personal knife/chopping board (my housemate doesn't cook); - thirdly, because no one told her to stop and they all thought it was hilarious. because i was quite drunk - and for that matter so was everyone else - i started yelling at her saying something along the lines of "*wtf are you doing?! that is f***ing disgusting!*" etc. this caused us to both start going off at each other, and her defense was "*it's no different than cutting up salmon on a chopping board*" (not to mention this is a freshwater tank and was quite murky with algae at the time). most of the friends there at the time think i overreacted (they thought it was funny) and in hindsight i probably could have handled the situation better if i had not raised my voice. i just want some other opinions, aita in this situation? **tl;dr:** housemate's girlfriend chopped "pet" fish alive with my chopping board and knife and fed to the other fish, i yelled at her, she got defensive, friends think i overreacted. **edit/ housemate and the slaughterer have actually been in an off-and-on relationship since the incident, and thankfully she hasn't stepped foot in the house while i've been there (rightly so). the fish tank itself is not mine (it's my housemate's 8ft x 2ft x 2ft - so it's huge) but i have purchased several fish to add to it and also contribute to the maintenance i.e. cleaning, feeding etc. the fish in question was not my fish, but that's beside the point in my opinion. i rent the room off my housemate so i think my main concern was i had no right to yell at his girlfriend in his house and everyone said i went pretty mental and ott. i can now rest assured knowing i was completely in the right to lose my sh*t.

nta

definitely nta. 1. the fish was still alive. that is extremely cruel. 2. it’s very different from cutting up salmon (see 1.) 3. none of those things belonged to her, especially the very alive creature she chopped up.

definitely nta. if anything you were nae (not assholey enough)

9p8krl

aita for expecting my housemate to walk for an hour?

i own a htc vive and my housemates have used it quite alot with my supervision. i always said they couldn't play it unless im around as its expensive and they aren't used to knowing their surroundings ( like punching the tv or something) with it on. well one of them had quite a lot of experience on it, so i said he could use it if he's responsible for any damages that occur due to his negligence, he agreed. sure enough after 2 hours i come down stairs and have a go and one of the buttons is sticking, with him eventually confessing to accidentally smacking the shit outta the wall with it. as it was insured all that needed doing was shipping it off. he spent 5 minutes online sorting that stuff out then gives me the box, tells me to print a label he emailed me and ship it. the problem is the closest place to ship it is a 1 hour walk there and back; i scoffed at him and said something along the lines of 'fuck off, we had a deal'. i know i was rude but he fucking yeeted the shit out of the controller after saying he knew what he was doing. the only other housemate around said it wasn't that guys problem as it wasn't his vive and they agreed. should i ship because im the bigger asshole or just wait him out since he's more in the wrong? i don't use it much so i'm more interested in winning this out of spite then playing the vive. &#x200b; edit 1: he didn't smack it into the wall on purpose, he was just swinging his arm around and couldn't see where he was looking.

nta

nta, but you should probably just drop it off yourself and not let them handle the replacement. if an angry housemate is made to walk an hour like that, who knows if it will actually make it, or if he’ll toss it in the dumpster and say it got lost in the mail. i wouldn’t take the chance.

nta, but is this the hill you want to die on? the way you handle this is going to affect your standing with your friends.

9p9lkx

aita for borrowing, ruining, and replacing a book?

i have been playing d&d for a few years now and i decided to try dming for the first time. i ~~shamelessly mooched~~ borrowed several things from various friends who had more supplies than me so that i wouldn't have to drop a couple hundo all at once on books, battle maps, minis, etc. from what i could tell, everyone was happy to help, and the person in question ("steve") even offered to loan me some books without me even asking. so i graciously accepted his dm's guide, monster manual, and sword coast adventurer's guide to borrow on days i was running my game. steve was also one of my players, so he would usually just bring the books around at the beginning of each session and take them home with him when we were done. on this occasion, he let me hang onto the books at the end of the session because he knew he was gonna be absent for the next one. well, of course something happens the time when he is not around. i zigged when i should have zagged and ended up knocking over a cup of coffee onto the monster manual. i cleaned and dried it as best i could, but there's only so much you can do. the last 20 pages or so are stained and don't lie flat anymore. next session rolls around and i let steve know that i had an accident with his book. i give it back to him with an amazon gift card that covers the cost of a new monster manual. my rationale was that since it was in damaged but usable condition, he could either get a replacement of the same book with the gift card or buy something he doesn't have yet and have two books. yeah, that didn't go over well. he was fucking pissed. he is ranting about how i fuck up his things the second he lets them out of his sight and that now he is going to have to wait for the new book to be shipped, and why didn't i just buy a new monster manual at a hobby shop and not tell him that i had ruined his old one? and how it's not about the fact that i replaced it, it's about the fact that i was stupid enough to ruin it in the first place. he stormed out and hasn't responded to me or any of the other party members on discord or text. so...who the hell is the asshole here?

nta

nta. you damaged his property through your negligence so you are legally and morally liable. you gave him his book back along with amazon funds to buy a new one. not only does this correct your mistake by placing him in the position he would have been in had the mistake not occurred, you placed him in a better position because he gets the economic value of a new book while still retaining the old book. the old book certainly has a diminution of value due to the last 20 pages being stained and the book lying flat, but it's not entirely valueless either, just like a totaled car still has value if it's variable or can be sold for salvage. as for the time lost not having the book, i just checked amazon and it's available amazon prime two day delivery. two days is entirely reasonable.

nta, not quite. i see your logic; you feel that you're giving him a choice of whether to accept the stained book and buy something different with the damages. you think you're being considerate. but you're also putting the work on him; now he has to go register that gift card to his account, buy the book, wait for it to arrive, etc. and that's inconvenient and annoying to deal with. it would've been better to just buy the replacement book and give it to him. that said i think there's more to it than this. his response was a little over the top and he's sort of an asshole here. but i wonder if there's some history that made him feel like this kind of thing is a recurring issue that he's tired of dealing with.

9pafx1

aita if i want to be visited?

for about five months i’ve been living about 300 miles from my friend group. so since may i’ve made the choice to drive to see them for a weekend each month so we can all hang out. we’re all around 18/19 and graduated high school this year. it’s now october and visiting everyone has become super draining on me. i’m having a harder and harder time justifying it, especially because i’m saving for college. so i’ve made it clear to my friends that’d i’d reallly like them to come visit me. the first time i brought it up it was mentioned that it’s one person coming to visit vs three to five people going to visit. it’s a matter of convenience. but i don’t think that i should always be the one to sacrifice. i’ve visited coming up on five times, they haven’t visited me once. in fact, they seem to have gotten used to my visiting and seem to take for granted the time and money it takes for me to come and see them. for example i’m supposed to drive over to visit them today. we’re still making our initial plans for the weekend, i may or not have a place to stay because the person i usually stay with has family visiting this weekend, and when i asked everyone else if i could stay, i was left on read until i asked again. it costs me 70+ dollars on gas, 12+ hours of driving time to go see them, and they think it’s okay to plan this close to the weekend. yes i make these trips on a voluntary basis, no one is forcing me to. so does it make me a piece of shit to want them to sacrifice a bit of their time, money, and convince for me?

nta

nta for asking, but since it sounds like you're the one that moved away, they aren't really under any obligations to plan a way to all visit you. if they aren't working with you on a place for you to stay for the next visit i have to wonder if they are interested in continuing the friendship though.

nta but also i’m taking your friends side on this one. 1.) you were the one who moved 2.) you live 300 miles away, thats far away from where you moved. you aren’t entitled any visit, people have lives. not everybody can make that sort of travel. i would suggest making a new group of friends where you are.

9pb2sc

aita for telling my bully she was a bully?

i was working today and when i brought one of my clients to her activity there was this girl. i knew who she was at first glimp. she asked me: ‘do i know you?’ and i answered: ‘yes, you ate the girl who bullied me for years with her friends at the riding school.’ i know she wasn’t the biggest bully and i told her but when she asked if it really was that bad, i answered yes. her fellow worker was telling her that she had to be ashamed (she said it like a joke). the girl was very sweet and i could see that she was a bit embarrassed. am i the asshole now? maybe i had to say i know you from the stables without the bully part. i feel a bit guilty for telling something that was like 15 years ago.

nta

nta. sure, you could have chosen a more neutral response, but she could have chosen not to be an asshole to you for years. she gets to feel momentarily embarrassed about that.

nta let her have one uncomfortable moment.

9pb6o5

aita for donating my kid's college money to charity?

me and my kids were having an argument (the details don't matter) and at one point my son called me a "fat, selfish faggot" and a "lying shitbag who hates his own kids" (paraphrasing). today i decided to donate the money i was going to spend on his college to charity, tesla to be specific, and he called me a "greedy dirtbag" (again paraphrasing). am i in the wrong? does he deserve it?

yta

yta. he didn't deserve it and you did it specifically to be spiteful, which is further assholery.

yta. you both acted like assholes, but he's a child and you're the adult. you could've handled that situation so much better

9pbg4g

aita for thinking this return policy is stupid?

here are the facts. i bought 3 items: item 1: $10 item 2: $3 item 3: $22 total: $35 i used a $20 cash card that was given at the store's grand opening and paid the rest with my credit card. this 'cash card' had no stipulations for its use; it was essentially a gift card with a 12/31/2018 expiration date. item 3 did not fit, and i tried returning the item. upon doing so, the cashier told me i would be receiving on the order of $9 back. this made no sense to me. it was explained by the manager that the cash card is distributed proportionately across the items, and $9 is the amount of usd i ended up paying for the hat. i was more than happy to take the item's value in store credit, thus bounding my money to the store. this idea was also rejected. i ended up keeping the item and will gift it to someone. the hill that i will die on is this: **it does not make sense that i could not return the item and immediately re-purchase it with the value returned to me, be it in cash or store credit.** this is the first stink i've ever raised with someone in retail and was apologizing profusely the entire time as i tried to wrap my head around this. aita?

yta

what did your receipt say? because if your receipt backs up the policy, yta for not reading it.

yta. but not really... as long as you didn't yell at the poor people, which it sounds like u didn't. the store gave you $20 off merchandise. you did not pay that $20 for your purchase. you decided to return an item, the way all retail discounts work is to split the coupon among all items. reason: person buys 2 items worth $10 each with a $10 coupon. pays $10. returns 1. if they got the full value of the item, they then get the other item for free. so retailers split it so you would get $5 for the return instead of 10 and not be out all money. this is an example of pieces of shit ruining retail practices for honest people, unfortunately. been a retail manager for years and have been blown up multiple times for this, if this wasn't clear ask me anything.

9pceql

aita for saying me three?

a little while ago, before the #metoo movement got into swing, i saw a platonic girl friend of mine put 'me too' as her facebook status. this was just before #metoo became front page stuff. thinking she was vaguebooking, and wanting to respond back as if i were vaguebooking too, i responded me three. &#x200b; well imagine my surprise when like a week later, i find out what she really meant. i do feel bad, because i certainly did not mean to belittle her experience. i was being too cute by half here. i thought i was making an innocent dig at her vaguebooking, but am i an asshole for having made the comment without understanding what was originally meant?

nta

nta. it's an honest mistake. just delete the comment and tell her what happened, if you haven't already. and of course, apologize.

nta, you didn't know. you're fine.

9pdc9b

aita for letting other guys talk to me in a way that bothers my boyfriend?

a bit of background, i've been gaming since i was 5 years old and i dove into the world of mobas when i was 17. i'm 27 now. over the past 10 years, i've played with the same group of friends. i happen to be the only girl in the group, mostly because the games i play never seem to have a high female population and most of the girls that did end up in my group are now married or no longer game. so, as it stands, i'm the sole female. i think it's also very important to state that none of these guys are my exes or prior romantic interests. most are now married or in serious long-term relationships. there has never been nudes of me circulating or dick pics shared, nothing like that. these guys see me as a "sister" and not the redtube "family affairs" type of sister either. that being said, we sit on discord during game nights. one night, my headset wasn't working so i needed to use an external mic and my speakers. a male friend was teasing me for feeding first kill and said, "see, this is why we don't play with females." i responded with, "that's funny, because my rank is higher than yours and so is my kdr and win rate." he laughed. i laughed. we all laugh. later on, one of my other friends dies and i yell, "haha! dumb shit." he responds with, "let's see if i join you next time you try to gank, bitch!" he laughed. i laughed. we all laugh. for the next 40 minutes, these exchanges go back and forth. note- it's not just me and the guys. they guys shit on each other and talk to each other like this, as well. they make homosexual jokes like "nice kill bruh, can i suck your dick?" there aren't any sexual comments hurled my way and i don't make sexual jokes to them outside of hygiene jokes. the game ends and i realize my boyfriend is behind me, stone silent. i asked him what was wrong and he said, "so this is how your friends talk to you? you let them call you a cunt and a bitch?" i explained to him that these were all terms of endearment. i call them "dickhead" and "assclown" sometimes too. boyfriend begins to tell me that these men are really sexist and this is abusive behavior. he tells me i shouldn't game with them anymore, especially if they're going to speak to me like this. again, i try to tell him that these comments are all friendly and in-house, nothing to be worried about. he got mad and left my apartment (we were supposed to watch a movie together after i finished up that game) and told me that he's in shock that i would "let men walk all over me" and that i'm dismissing his feelings about this matter because i'm "making excuses" for my friends. i admit that maybe i was dismissive by saying "they're my friends, it's okay," instead of trying to listen to why it's misogyny, but i truly do not feel like this is a sexist thing. i've known my friends for 10+ years. my boyfriend and i have been dating for 3 months and it's been really great. he's generally a respectful guy that all my friends adore and say how lucky i am to be with him. but i don't think i'm willing to stop being me around my friends, for him. am i being the asshole here?

nta

nta at all. tbh i’d argue it’s more misogynistic for him to tell you you’re letting them disrespect you and expecting them to not include you in something that’s pretty common in pretty much any team dynamic just because you’re a girl. just as long as you’re okay with it and they’re not treating every girl like that, there’s not really anything wrong with it.

nta in no way are you being an asshole in this situation, the comments aren't meant in a disrespectful manner. there is absolutely no reason for your boyfriend to be getting offended about what your friends are saying, especially when he's only getting offended about the ones directed at you and not about the ones between the guys, if he wanted to say the whole environment was toxic to everyone involved, that would be one thing, but he's only focusing on one aspect of it, and that's specifically the comments directed at one member of the group, because that one member is in a different demographic than the others. he's definitely the asshole here.

9pdibc

aita for posting republican/nationalist stuff on social media?

a lot of the time it's "funny" stuff like "my favourite fictional place is londonderry". other times it's more serious about wanting a united ireland. most people on my friends list would also be nationalists but there's a few loyalists/unionists here and there. i'm pretty open about being catholic and have an irish name so people probably already know but aita for being in your face about it?

nta

nta, it's a political belief and they can unfollow you. but you would be an asshole if you justify the actions of terrorists and people who prey on the innocent. exact same applies if your unionist friends did. supporting lunatic bombers is a shitty thing to do. that being said, you probably have never done this so it's pointless.

your social media page. post what you like. nta

9pe9hn

aita? i don't want my mom to come to my cancer surgery

so some background, i live with my mom despite being 27 (different sad story) and she is who she is. which is controlling, dismissive, argumentative, and passive aggressive towards me. last spring i had a kidney infection that started turning septic and i almost died. she refused to take me to the er until i showed her i was vomiting blood. she didn't believe me before i showed her. she repeatedly told my doctors i was overreacting, that i just had the flu. i had to insist on a cat scan because she had convinced them i was just over dramatic. recently i got some bad news, i have thyroid cancer and i have to have half of my thyroid surgically removed. i immediately asked my dad if he would take me to my surgery and stay with me for the day as it's an outpatient procedure. i don't trust my mom to make decisions on my behalf, i simply don't trust her with my care anymore. today she approached me and asked me why i didn't ask her to take me to my surgery. i don't want to hurt her feelings, and i tried to be gentle when i told her why. but i feel like an asshole. she insisted she "wouldn't be like that" when she was up there. but she has been this way my entire life. am i an asshole for telling my mom she can't come to my cancer surgery?

nta

nta. at all. you have legitimate reasons not to want your mother there. and you also have the right to forbid anyone from coming/going with you to a doctor as you please talk to somebody at the hospital (or wherever you're getting the surgery) and let them know under no circumstances are they to let her in. this wouldn't be the first time they dealt with this issue, and there is almost definitely a protocol in place.

absolutely nta. have you found r/raisedbynarcissists yet? because hoooooboy, does it sound like you would feel validated there.

9peghc

aita if i kick out my roommate for leaving my cat to die?

the past week has been a nightmare. my boyfriend is out of town which leaves me with our roommate who i already don’t really care for which isn’t a big deal to me, but whenever my boyfriend isn’t around and it’s just her and i, i sense so much tension. anyway... i get a screen shot from my boyfriend that’s my roommate texting him saying my cat ate laundry detergent and that it’s all over the laundry room. she said she attempted to wash off the detergent, but he started scratching her so she gave up. did she try to contact me? no. not at all. i was out of the house running errands and come home to see the damage. the cat seems to be fine and i clean up the mess laughing at the fact that i get to clean up cleaning supplies (better than it being shit). i go back out and return home at around 3 am and i find my cat not looking so good. he clearly had some of the detergent in his system so i rushed him to an emergency clinic. $300 and a couple of days later she’s still ignoring me not even apologizing or explaining what happened. when my boyfriend got back from his trip we both agreed that us and the roommate should go our separate ways. it blows my mind that she would actively ignore a household animal and then claim it wasn’t her responsibility. she has until the end of the year to move out which i think is fair. but am i the asshole for booting her?

yta

yta because you **knew** the cat ate detergent and you didn't immediately take him to the vet. she didn't ignore the animal, she informed your bf and assumed that you, as a supposedly responsible pet owner, would take care of your cat. my guess is she messaged your bf because she assumed, rightly or wrongly, that if she messaged you then you would try to get her to take your cat to the vet instead of doing it yourself.

i dont understand what you wanted? did you want her to take your cat to the vet? yta, its your cat, if you hadnt had a roommate the only thing that would have been different is that your bf wouldnt have even been alerted that your cat ate the detergent. why didnt your bf send you this message then you rush home to care for the cat. your roommate even tried to clean it off and got scratched, how would your roommate even know at that time that the cat was poisoned, didn’t you find out later because it was acting sick? i honestly think you might even need to apologize and say you were just upset because you thought your cat would die. maybe i misunderstood your post but i dont really understand why its the roommates fault or responsibility. and if its neither their fault or responsibility how mad can you truly be at them? like if they knew the cat was ill and just didnt give a fuck or tell anyone thats pretty fucked up but im not even sure how they were supposed to know. if the problem happened because they left the cat near the mess and thats why youre mad i can understand that a little more but there isnt a way to know that the cat would eat the detergent and there isnt a way for the roommate to have realized right away that it was ill. and t isnt her job to clean up after your pet especially when its this big.

9pfog4

aita for wanting to not associate with my ex, and getting upset at my friends for choosing her over me?

so, my ex was abusive, emotionally, verbally. she threatened suicide to keep me in line, she kept forcing her way into my life and used the fact that one of my friends had actually killed themselves to make me paranoid she would do the same and it’d be my fault again. i cut her off a year ago. a couple months ago, some friends started hanging out with her without telling me. i said it made me uncomfortable especially because one of the friends was also abused by her and the other one watched me have constant break downs over my ex. they said that everyone deserved a second chance blah blah, i tried to accept it but that seething paranoia was back. it was destroying me again and i couldn’t take it and cut them off as well. now two more friends are talking to all three of them and one even blocked me on insta cause she tags her in posts and doesn’t wanna hurt me or something. i think i’m the asshole because i keep making people choose. i don’t know. should i learn to forgive her and let her back in so i can just be friends with everyone again? was it even abuse to threaten suicide? these people don’t seem to agree. my friend said talking to her makes her happy and it breaks her heart to choose but i just feel sick even thinking about my ex. i don’t know. help.

nta

nta. my partner was severely abused, both physically and emotionally, by his last girlfriend, and several of our college friends are still friends with her. they told us that she “says she’s sorry” (she’s not, she messaged him multiple times and told him that he deserved everything she did) and that it wasn’t as bad as he says it was, which is absolutely untrue. we just don’t associate with them anymore, because her presence is toxic. they’re also friends with my last ex, who was emotionally manipulative to all of us and left me a broken person through several years of a shit relationship. it’s not worth the emotional work to remain friends with these people if they don’t put in the work to maintain a friendship anyway.

nta. also yes, threatening suicide is abuse. within my group of friends, we cut off any abuser who makes another friend uncomfortable. if we were friends irl and you said that me associating with so-and-so triggered really weird feelings, you can count on that person being as good as gone. i don’t associate with abusers ~especially~ if it made another one of my friends uncomfortable. i also don’t really count on people changing all that much. if one of my friends abused me and others, that’s it. no second chances. to me, second chances are reserved for things like accidentally blowing off a coffee date. because of my pickiness, i only have 2 friends i enjoy keeping close. my life is a bit quiet lol. tl/dr: you’re not an asshole if your friends hang out with people that aggravate any sort of trauma from a past abuse. i’d question your friends to be honest.

9pfqfz

aita for setting a rule that my girlfriend and now fiancee should never be alone with another man, regardless of her relationship? (excluding her family)

to be absolutely clear, the rule means to not be completely alone. public places, hanging out, whatever are okay. a few details. i found out she was screwing around on me with a friend at one point, which brought in this rule. recent i was told by her that she and a mutual friend had been having casual time in secret for about two years. she came clean with me today, and i'm honestly wondering if i somehow pushed her to this. i'm so confused. i've always emphasized the power of honesty with me, and she seemed to understand that, but now i'm just so confused. i'm trying to find out what i did wrong. i've asked her, and she gives me an incoherent response, listing off issues i was certain were addressed.

yta

yes, most definitely. even with the added context, you’re a giant, controlling asshole. if you don’t trust her enough to be in a relationship with her, don’t be in a relationship with her. rules like this, regardless of justification, are inherently abusive and controlling. yta.

yta. not in any way okay... you do not expect things like this from another person unless they are underage and in your care. you dont put rules on your soon to be wife, its a bit worrying to see that you think you can explain it and make it seem okay. im happy to see you taking these responses seriously tho, the important part is the willingness to be better

9phcc7

aita for telling someone that this is a non-smoking area?

i was at a crowded festival which was mainly outdoors, except for one stage which was a giant tent setup. there where multiple giant "no smoking" signs plastered around the tent, so most people would take the hint. then add two young foreign ladies with a smoking habit. my buddy and i were standing in the back corner of the tent, with open walls around us for easy access, when i suddenly get enveloped by a smoke cloud. now, i come from a family of smokers so i don't usually have a problem with it when i choose to be around it, but i felt that this wasn't the place to light up with the signs and all that. so i located the source and found two english speaking girls having a blast. kind of annoyed over the entitlement that the rules don't apply to them, i went over there and talked to them, rather having security guards talk to them, and reminded them of the signs. they looked at the signs, then at me, then at their sigarettes, and basically made the ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ gesture and continued puffing. i'll admit that this angered me a bit, so after about a minute, i went back to them and told them that the smoking was bothering me and that if security saw them they would not be pleased. this time they said that they would continue outside and i thought nothing more of it. 10 minutes later, a rather large man suddenly bumped into me and apoligized, then continued to tell me to not to make the girls leave again an aggresive tone. me being the daft man that i am, i didn't quite understand the situation, so my buddy just pulled me away and said sorry to the brute. a little while later, the same guy came back to me and agreed that the girls shouldn't have been smoking, and sort of asked asked if we were cool. i just waived him away because i wanted nothing more to do with that whole situation and to just enjoy the concert. then right before we left, i saw one of the girls hugging some other dude, and yelling into his ear. the music was still playing loudly, so i couldn't hear what she yelled, but she was pointing at me and looking not too pleased. we just left at that point. i felt sorry for that man.

nta

nta. ex smoker here. i always abided by the rules to be polite. and in general i hate people who think they are to good for them. the only time i ever got frustrated was when people openly "coughed" when i was in a perfectly fine/designated area they chose to walk through.... not my problem lol

nta. and in fact, they were total assholes you were polite and straightforward, they were completely in the wrong, entitled, and trying action against you via intimidation.

9phqat

aita for exposing a cheating wife

about a year ago my sister in law went out to the bar while her husband was out of town for work, and she ended up getting a hotel with a friend and having sex. and then it happened again with another individual. it became a trend that every few weeks she would end up sleeping with 1 of the 2 guys she was hooking up with. after being cheated on myself i decided to call him and let him know what had been going on. am i the asshole for calling him? or am i the asshole for waiting so long to say something? i didn’t want to interfere with someone’s relationship but after being hurt i thought it was something that needed to be done.

nta

nta. also, i’m a bit concerned about your wife’s attitude regarding this.

nta. i try not to get involved in anyone's relationships because the messenger tends to take the brunt of it. when my sister's boyfriend cheated on her, she refused to believe it and it destroyed our relationship for a while. i do think saying something was the right thing to do. unlike others here, i don't think you are an asshole for waiting. it can be a tough situation to navigate.

9pk1vu

wibta if i told my friends i really don’t wanna be part of a band?

i kinda fd up. i have two friends who have been wanting a band for some time, and i don’t know why, when they asked me if i was on board i sort of said yes without thinking twice. they’re now really planning and i now realized i really don’t wanna be a part of the band. they seem really enthusiastic about it, and even have trouble finding people. i think it would be a hit for them for their friend to just jump off the boat. what would be the best way for just jumping off board? should i completely leave or just move onto something else, like writing songs or something? idk what to do.

nta

nta just tell them you’re not into band or play super badly depending on how you think they may react

nta. i would just be honest about what happened. the band is still in the planning phase. i instinctively say yes to people constantly because i want to help but often realize i'm out of my depth. it's probably best to bite the bullet and trust that as friends, they'll understand that you committed and later realized you can't or it's not something you'd enjoy. if you do back out (you should), do it soon so they're not in the dark.

9pl3pi

aita for standing up from myself in adult league hockey

i play goalie in an adult "beer" league and while most of us are out for fun and exercise, a few folks take things too far. one basic unwritten "rule" you must know is that you don't touch the opposing team's goalie without expecting some sort of consequence. &#x200b; short story is the opposing player shot the puck at me, i caught it in my glove and held on for the ref to blow his whistle. however, before the ref could blow the whistle the shooter of the puck got closer and put the end of his stick into my arm in an attempt to knock the puck loose. this is a big no-no as i clearly had control and couldn't even be mistaken for an accident. after the whistle, i quickly stood up and approached the player, not even getting all that close, and said "don't do that." didn't yell, didn't threaten, simply and strongly said "don't do that!" several times, each time only after they responded with either "what you've never been poked?" or "there was no whistle" . the last one from them of course was "you're being an asshole", to which i replied "yep i'm the asshole for not wanting to get jabbed at unnecessarily". at least they all kept their distance the rest of the game, which i actually did thank them for afterwards. &#x200b; just found this sub, perfect since i was recently called an asshole for the first time in a long time! i have plenty more hockey stories too ;)

nta

nta. strictly speaking, it should be called a slash at the pro level, absolutely no reason to do that in an amateur game.

nta, but if i was you i would come up with a better chirp for next time. also, what is wrong with your teammates?

9pl9mc

aita for accidentally causing infidelity?

a while back, this girl from work started getting super flirty, and i was single and went with it. sent me some videos of this and that (nsfw, obviously) and that was that until she got a bit weird and wanted to get serious. at this point, i politely reminded her i wasn't looking for a relationship and she backed off. all was well, it was all very mature and amicable. &#x200b; until yesterday when i noticed her insta saying 'happy 6 years' with her boyfriend. her boyfriend who, up until now, i had no knowledge of. she told me she was single, there was no mention of him anywhere. i don't know how to feel, i mean do i tell the guy? do i leave well enough alone? i left that job 6 months ago and haven't really spoken to her since, but my friend who works there still knows about it all. nothing physical happened, but similarly if my current girlfriend (who is awesome) did it i would 100% count it as cheating and would end that relationship. &#x200b; &#x200b; &#x200b;

nta

nta, you're an innocent bystander who got caught up in her drama. lying to you (saying she was single), trying to bend your morals (cheating, when you obviously disapprove of that behavior) i'd say let vengence rain upon her treasonous head. you owe her nothing. you owe allllllllll of that nonsense nothing. dm him hard and drop the mic, never speak to them again! (yeah, the bf, too.)

nta but definitely let him know. you’d want to know wouldn’t you? and if it’s 6 years she definitely cheated before so just please let him know op.

9plvdo

aita for planning to skip out on my friend 14th birthday for the friday night fortnite tournament tonight

i feel bad but i want to win and also i feel like if i do good a team might be interested in picking me up edit; i meant brother and 18

yta

yta. bruh, it's your brothers birthday. you should definitely support him. if my brother played video games instead of attending my birthday celebration i'd be pissed. support your family. for fornite will be there when you get back

yta: take it from someone with experience. i’ve been gladiator in wow .5% and legend in hearthstone (similar) yet i’ve never made a dime from either. even if you’re better than 99.5% of people, you probably won’t make money. you should really spend time with your brother on his special day. you can be amazing at fort nite and never make a dime, but if you are a decent brother you’ll have a good relationship for life

9pm7el

aita for trying to help my friend but possibly making it worse

i'm gonna try and keep it short but it's quite complicated. my (18m) best friend (19f) has felt like she's wanted to break up with her boyfriend for a long time. (probably 3-4 months, they were together for a year) and wednesday night told me she felt like she needed to get away from him for at least a few days, because she hasn't been away from him for more than 12 hours sense they moved in together. i told her she could crash at my place as long as she needed to (we live about an hour apart) and thursday morning she came down with her laptop and a change of clothes. all night her boyfriend wasn't picking up his phone or responding to texts, and she started to worry. earlier today (friday) we drove back to her apartment together, and her boyfriend wasn't there. after little while of worrying, she called his mom, and found out that he had checked himself into the hospital, because he was thinking about committing suicide. she went to see him in the hospital, and it turns out he was convinced that she had cheated on him with me. (nothing happened between us). she has now broken up with him, and we're hanging out watching high-school musical. i can't help but feel like his ending up in the hospital is my fault, for letting her crash at my place. i know nothing happened between us but there was no way he could know that. she and i are very close, and i could see where some jealousy would come from. my apologies for the formatting... mobile blah blah blah

nta

nta. it sounds like the bf was overbearing. more than likely his checking in was a manipulation tactic.

nta. you helped out a friend when she really needed you. you didn't take advantage of her or pressure her to leave him, anything weird like that. you just gave her a place to stay and tried to act supportive when she was worried. what other things the guy was going through wasn't something you knew about or had the capacity to address at the time. you can try talking to her about this if it's bothering your conscience. just let her know that you support her doing what's best for her and you want her to be happy, as well as hoping this other person is okay and gets good treatment.

9pmeyo

aita for making racist shitposts on reddit to the point that the admins shadowbanned my ip

i'm permabanned poster blackdeath8877. i started using reddit when i was 14. i would make the occasional shitpost here and there at first but nothing too bad. however, it got worse and worse over time. i would start by copying other people's posts and sliding the n-word in the paragraph. eventually this took too much effort and not a lot of people would catch it that i just started posting blatant racism. i would go on various gaming subreddits, find the top comment and reply with such things as "hang the blacks" or "i think all negros are disgusting man beasts.". it got to the point that i couldn't think of anything but posting racism. eventually the haters caught wind that it was the same person making these racist comments and flat out banned my entire ip. in my opinion, this was complete overkill. now the only thing i can do is make posts on /r/shadowban and hope the dozen or so people see my racist posts. am i the asshole here? i feel like the admins could have just accommodated my shitposting addiction by just continue banning seperate accounts instead of my entire ip range.

yta

yta for the extremely racist stuff, and yta for making this disingenuous post.

yta. but you don't have to stay that way.

9pmu6u

aita for “borrowing” a shirt from a clothing store?

i have an event tonight that i need a black button down shirt for. i bought one used on an app called poshmark for a huge discount, but the seller never shipped it (i luckily got a refund from the app). but that doesn’t solve my problem of needing one by tonight. the store i’m going to has a 60 day return policy on their items. so i’m probably gonna go to the mall, buy one but leave the tags on, and wear it tonight for my event, wash it, and return it to the store tomorrow. is this unethical? just curious

yta

yta - it's a clothing store; not a library.

yta, and this is indeed unethical. also i can almost guarantee you, someone is going to spot that tag. go to a cheap store if you're tight on money.

9pp04w

aita for making it clear i don’t want kids?

some backstory: my husband and i have been together for 7 years. we have been married for 4 (this november). he is a product of in vitro fertilization. i have hated children my entire life and have been vocal about it long before i met my husband. when i discussed children with my husband he made it very clear he never wants kids and has even considered a vasectomy. now that you know all that here is why i’m apparently the asshole. his mother has made it very clear that we are horrible for not wanting kids. she has used her own issues getting pregnant, religion, crying, guilt, and constant pressure to try and change our minds. the three of us went to a mall one day and we saw a screaming child. me and my husband laughed and thanked god we weren’t that parent because we know that dealing with an upset kid can’t be fun. she burst into tears and said things like “i can’t believe i raised a son who doesn’t want kids” and “you two should be more sensitive since not everyone can get pregnant!” and then she walked away from this. as a side note i have never had fertility testing done so i’m not even sure i can have children. especially because i have pcos and i’ve been told that can cause issues with fertilization. (note that i haven’t looked into if it actually does cause issues because i am not trying to have kids) so. am i the asshole for voicing my opinion about my own body? i feel like i should be allowed to respond to her when she asks if we are ready to have kids. when she asks i just say “no, we don’t want them”. i don’t pitch a fit. i don’t say it in a snarky tone. i just say it so she knows our stance has not changed and won’t. thoughts? tl:dr my mother in-law thinks i’m an ass hole for not wanting kids because it was hard for her to get pregnant. my husband doesn’t want them either.

nta

nta, your body, your life, your marriage. your mil has to realize that!

nta. your (and your husband's) purpose in life is not to "give" children to people who won't even be taking care of or paying for them. i really wish that we, as a culture, would work on dismantling the idea that "passing on the family genes/name/blood" etc. is an acceptable reason to have children. it's total horseshit. have children because you want children as part of your family, not because you're trying to hold up some imaginary fucking legacy. you don't "owe" grandchildren to anybody. surely your mil can find other ways to be satisfied in life other than pining for grandchildren.

9pq5ap

aita for complaining to the service department manager at car dealership for service techs binding a different seat configuration to my key fob

i dropped my car in for service this morning, and my car has 3 presents for seat/station/temp etc . the service tech changed my seat configuration that is attached to my fob, i know first world problems , but it put me in a super shitty mood.

nta

nta. they have no business changing anything. (except for seats and mirrors, temporarily, in the interests of safety)

nta. that sounds extremely annoying and unprofessional. if they did it to you they are most likely doing it to other people as well.

9pq5ip

aita for almost attacking an elderly motorist who caused me to total my car?

so last december, i was in my first ever car accident while up at university. basically, i was coming back through the town and this old fart pulls out of a parking lot on the other side of the road, comes all the way over to my side, making me swerve and crash into a telephone pole, totaling my car. not only that, but when he swerved the opposite way, a person collided with him and their passenger suffered a broken arm. when the state troopers arrived (my college is in a small town), i flew off the handle at the old man. my words went from "do you know you could've killed someone?" to "what the fuck were you thinking you fucking retard?! do you know how much i had to fucking pay for that fucking car?!" very quickly. i was *this close* to throwing hands. all the while there's a woman being loaded into an ambulance with what i'm assuming is her husband holding her hand. and the troopers were thankfully very understanding and just calmly told me to wait by my car and gave me time to collect myself and calm down. but man i was fuming all day and night into the next day. my parents brought me a rental (we had good renter's insurance) and i just broke down in my apartment just out of anger and hatred. in the end, the troopers gave me a police report with a signed statement from a witness and just told me to call my insurance company when i could, which i did. i've since gotten a new car. looking back, i realize how little my anger served me and that there were bigger things at the stake than just my car. and if that motorist who caused the accident just happens to come across this post, i just want to say i'm sorry for what i said and i hope you've learned to at least be more attentive when you drive

nta

nta, oldness isn't a pass to drive like an asshole

i’d say nta because that’s exactly how i would react but i might be an asshole

9praxi

aita for not listening to my friend’s problems anymore?

i have a friend who is very often going through emotional crises. usually pretty serious, heavy things, and will want to talk about them 3-5 times a week. i always try and listen when she wants me to listen and give advice when she wants advice. she is going through some very serious problems (just got out of an abusive relationship, lost her job and is having trouble finding a new one, student loan debt up to her ears, her father died and her twin sister was financially dependent on him now wants to be financially dependent on her, etc.) i’ve decided to stop listening or giving advice and here’s why. i don’t have problems very often, and when i do, they are nowhere near the magnitude hers are. but when i do, i want to talk about them, and because she does have so many issues she wants to discuss, i end up talking to her more often than most of my other friends. if i do bring up a problem, she’ll usually just brush it off and say something like “i totally hear that” or “i know you’ve really been struggling with that” or even just “lol”. i understand that my complaining about being rejected by a guy i really like pales in comparison to her having to sneak out the back window to avoid confronting her sister crying on her front steps or wondering where she’s going to get the money for her rent if she doesn’t find a job soon. at first i thought this was a phase, and if i supported her enough she’d pull through it, but it’s been a year and a half of talking about her problems for three our four hours a day, but never being able to even touch on what’s going on in my life, let alone talk through a problem i’m dealing with. she’s also always going through something serious. this time last year she had an entirely different set of equally distressing, serious problems. (was in a car accident, home invasion, twin sister overdosed, etc.) but i feel like if i can *never* talk to her about any of my problems, that i can’t invest this level of constant emotional energy into her. we have a crying, “i’ve lost my will to live” conversation every other day. i can’t develop this deep a relationship with someone if it’ll never be reciprocated. now when she starts in with “i have the worst life and i’m sick and i don’t look good and i’ll never find a job and everyone hates me and i’m broke” instead of telling her everything is going to be ok, i say “that sounds tough” and change the subject. i’m worried i’m the asshole for viewing the relationship through such a transactional lens and brushing her off the way she brushes me off. i can see how if i didn’t have a job i couldn’t fathom complaining about having to stay late at work and if my mother were dead i couldn’t listen to someone vent about having an argument with hers. **so, am i the asshole for not listening to her problems anymore?**

nta

nta ive been in similar situation with a friend. we talked twice every week about our issues and it started out good as a way to vent but eventually he started to monopolise the conversation and it always felt like he was trying to one up me on all my problems. it got to the point where i was trying to talk to him about something pretty major that i was struggeling with and just get interupted by him talking about how he didnt get his dream job. i had to cut it off. being ignored was making me feel insignificant. at the end of the day you are not your friends counselor. and i know its tough cause you want to help them. but bieng a hardrive they can download their suffering onto doesnt help anyone, especially you. you are not insignificant and niether are your problems. and sometimes you need to put your emotional health first.

nta, i have the perfect joe rogan song for this too. he explains it way better than i do. "those i can't catch a break guys? get them the fuck away from me, i don't wanna hear that shit." &#x200b; [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybmgbait6fa](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybmgbait6fa)

9prf7i

aita for cussing my father out?

so every friday i go to this extracurricular about 1 hour away from where i live. my father regularly takes me to this place for my own good. today when we were heading towards the car i saw a cockroach on the ground. in the past i have clearly stated how much i loathe insects (cockroaches especially). well what does my dad do? he decides it would be a funny idea to kick the damn thing at my legs (with it still alive). so instinctively i said something i would say to an asshole. i said, “what the hell man, fuck you”. he got upset that i said this, and attempted to give me a lecture (keep in mind we still arent in the car yet). he asked me, “why would you say that?” i told him that it was because what he did was uncalled for and disrespectful (not that what i did wasn’t). i ended up putting him in the scenario where i was lecturing him. “would you do what you did to a stranger? kick them? put a cockroach on their head” of which he replied no. i then asked, “why would you do that to me? i’m not a stranger.” tensions began to arise at this moment. my dad replied, “no i would not because it is somebody i don’t know.” what i said next made him turn back to the house. “how come you don’t treat me like a stranger if you seem to respect them more?” he immediately turned back to the house, and we argued a little bit more on as to how it was not a funny thing to do. i went on towards my room, and he went to his. so my question is, aita?

yta

yta. it sounds to me like he was being playful and not malicious in any way. i also don't understand why you asked, "would you do what you did to a stranger? kick them? put a cockroach on their head" because he didn't do either of those things. the reason he wouldn't kick a bug at a stranger is because a stranger wouldn't know he was joking around, not because he respects them more. and a stranger wouldn't take two hours out of their day to drive you to and from your extracurricular, so perhaps it is you who should show more respect.

yta, what the fuck dude?! your dad drives you 2 hours every week to go to something you like to do, he tries to be playful, though in a dumb way, and you go off on him by exaggerating and demanding respect? like you've never done something without thinking it through beforehand. you sound very entitled to think that everyone and everything should respect you while you don't have to do the same back.

9prgol

aita for refusing to see my dad and his new family?

my dad left my mom and i 20 years ago and has since created a new family. he rarely spoke to me as a kid until i reached out to him when i was a preteen. recently, he's been telling my mom he feels guilty about not being part of my life, and that he'd like me to meet my "siblings" and be apart of his life now. i refuse. even though i think him leaving us was for the better, i can't help but resent him for breaking my mom's heart in the first place. i grew up without a dad, and it's something i still really struggle with even though my mom was more than enough. he last contacted me about 5 months ago and i never replied, but he constantly tells my mom to convince me to meet up with him or reach out to him. i really can't bring myself to, and i don't regard his kids or him as my family. i already have all the family and siblings i need. there's no room in my life for them, and i sort of want him to feel guilty for what he did. am i the asshole for refusing to see him and meet his kids? &#x200b;

nta

nta. your resentment is understandable. it's too late for your father to act like a dad. but if he feels guilty maybe you can take baby steps with him. not go meet his new family. but at least try to get to know him. if things go sour, you turned out fine without him. but if things go good, you can let him into your life within your comfort level.

nta, but i think it's worth while giving him a chance. a lot of people dont get the option to rekindle their relationship with a parent. but it's definitely up to you op, i dont know the circumstances you're under but it's better to try and walk away, than regret not trying at all. (imo)

9prmpf

aita for not conceding on my sons' religious based food needs?

my husband's sister and her family only eat turkey at christmas time. they refuse to eat it at thanksgiving. this year they were planning on joining us for thanksgiving. my sons were raised as seventh day adventists and do not consume pork products for religious reasons. i created a menu that included a ham, turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, perogies, and carrots. my husband's sister asked me 5 times before the dinner what was on the menu. i gave her the menu. days before the holiday she messaged me saying we had to resolve the menu issues or they were not coming to dinner. i explained that i had no problem preparing a ham, my husband is not an adventist and loves ham but that i needed to prepare something for the boys. they were furious that i was still serving turkey and refused to join us for the celebration. am i the asshole?

nta

nta. what kind of lunatic is offended by the mere presence of turkey on the menu, and on thanksgiving no less? seriously, they eat turkey at christmas but think *no one* should eat turkey at any other time? do they give any explanation? and does your husband have any insight as to why his sister has lost her marbles over poultry?

no, you're nta. they should just not eat the turkey.

9psfy5

aita for pointing out that tips were meant to be split when i did significantly less than the other waiters?

i just found this sub last night and it's exactly what i need after the events of 2 days ago. so i've recently started working as a waiter and bartender at an upmarket restaurant/ night venue and thursday afternoon was my third shift on the floor. so after completing my opening duty, i went to the manager to find out my section and when he gave it to me, he told me we'd be pooling the tips for the shift. now i was working on the beach section and since it was a windy day, my section wasn't going to be busy. i ended up serving 4 tables, 2 of which were one person and 2 of which only ordered drinks so needless to say i made very little money while the other waiters served large booking tables on the inside. now towards the end of the shift, it seems as though most of the other waiters weren't told that we'd be pooling and the ones who were told had decided amongst themselves that we wouldn't due to the fact that i worked significantly less than the others did. now when i mentioned this to the night manager before the end of the shift they started arguing and she said i'd have to bring it up with the day manager, and he came along and started shouting at them saying he saw me working hard and that what he says goes, end of story. now on the one hand, i'm generally not a fan of pooling because i believe in every man for himself. but on the other hand, it wasn't my fault that i wasn't getting tables and i was helping out with the other waiters' big tables, and i feel that if the manager said at the beginning of the shift that we'd be doing things that way, then that's how we should do it. so now i'm slightly concerned that i might become known as a snitch and a parasite. and if i do, then would my colleagues be justified in holding that view?

nta

nta you technically didn't do it. and from my understanding it was your manager. so no nta

definitely a snitch. and a parasite. nta. don't do it again though 'cause if you do, you will be an asshole then,too.

9ptq6a

aita for greatly reducing contact with my homophobic sister?

first time poster here. as the title suggests, my older sister is kind of homophobic. she believes homosexuality or being lgbt+ in any way is a choice. no, i’m not kidding here. i’ve recently realised i’m bisexual and it’s caused so much stress and anxiety that i had to start taking medication for it and i haven’t come out to my family because i know she’ll kick off about it and i’m simply not prepared to deal with her drama anymore. as a result of a comment she made about this topic, i’ve reduced contact as much as possible, but she hasn’t even noticed i’ve done it. my parents think i’m the unreasonable one here, but they also don’t know i’m still in the closet. so, aita in this situation or not? edit - i’ve had several comments pointing out that homophobia and believing homosexuality/being lgbt+ is a choice are two different things. they are, of course and i wasn’t eloquent when i initially wrote this. to address those comments, she believes being lgbt+ in any way is a choice. edit 2 - to address other comments about cutting her off, i haven’t. i stated that i’ve reduced contact and by that, i mean that i’m letting her initiate and i’m civil with her in person, but nothing more than that. apologies again for not being eloquent.

nta

nta, and only come out when you feel comfortable. don't feel rushed to tell your family.

nta. you're 100% justified in this.

9pu896

aita? i hate my engagement ring

my boyfriend of 3 years and i just got engaged. i am very excited to marry him, but there's one issue...my fiance picked out the engagement ring without any input from me and it is pretty much the opposite of my taste. when we discussed engagement/marriage about six months ago, i let him know that i really liked the traditional round solitaire in diamond or moissanite on a yellow gold band, and i said do not feel the need to go over 1.5k. i know that's very specific and doesn't leave much wiggle room, but i am picky about jewelry and know what i like and what i don't. the ring he ended up picking out when he decided to propose is very different. it's a 3-stone emerald-cut ring on a silver-colored band. it's huge and very chunky and...not me. and he spent 8k on it, which while it won't put us in financial ruin or anything is way more than i am comfortable with. i tried to gently broach the subject with my fiance, and he pleaded with me to just keep it, that the proposal is the one thing in a wedding that the man gets to control and asking for a new ring is like asking for a "do-over" and telling him that he fucked up his one thing that he gets to do. i don't entirely agree with that because 1) i would hope he is not going to put 100% of the wedding planning on me, i want his input and 2) i am the one who has to wear my engagement ring for the rest of my life, and when i wasn't asking for much in the first place it seems kind of unfair that i should have to wear something that i don't like at all. i haven't been wearing it much just because it is such an unwieldy ring, i put it in a jewelry box with the thought of passing it on someday to a daughter or granddaughter who might want it and just wearing a wedding band once we actually get married, but that upsets my fiance too because he wants me to wear it and doesn't want such an expensive item just sitting in a drawer.

nta

from the perspective of a jeweler: youre nta. get the ring you want. you're not the asshole. tell him the gesture is meaningful but you were hoping for something a little different. tell him that you really love him and that its not about him at all - it's about the ring. you want the ring to be something you both can look at and feel all of the love you do feel for each other. and you want to make sure there's no room for hard feelings now or in the future. it's not gonna be an easy talk. i'm hopeful that where he got it has a return or exchange policy. if they don't, make sure to remain calm. make sure you're talking to the manager. tell them what you told us. tell them you feel like this will only leave a sour taste in your mouth- especially as anniversaries and holidays and birthdays approach. (if you can, get your boyfriend to say the same). tell them you were hoping for a better experience and that you're happy to get the style you want of the same value. make it clear, but keep it subtle - you and he will never shop there again. never threaten. stay extremely calm and respectful. it's hard. but if you do that it's easier for them to think through the following: in jewelry this is a big thing. return customers are worth 5-10 times more than any new customer. a manager worth their salt will know that. if you want, you can dm me more specifics (store he got it from, how long ago, and where - state, not city) and if it's the company i work for i can be a lot more helpful. i'm sorry you didn't get what you want. that is the worst. i hate seeing this and i wish i could do more for you. i hope that you two maintain the love that you have through this. it's easy to offend in this situation. communication is key. i have seen this end relationships. i have seen this solidify them. much love from a stranger on the internet.

as a married man, i’d say nta, and i’m concerned that he doesn’t seem to care what you think about it. as you said, you’re the one that has to hear it. while i’d hope to get something we both like, i would be more concerned about my wife liking anything that i give her than whether i like it myself or not.

9pv1ko

aita for figuring out my friends birthday?

so, i've been friends with this girl for about 2 years, we met online, talked a lot, got to be good friends. she's very protective of her privacy, to the point where i didn't even know her real name until about 6 months after i met her. there's a bit more backstory between us but i reckon that's all that's important for this story. so a few weeks ago, i realized i didn't know her birthday. i decided to do what anyone would do and just ask her when it was. however, she got mildly annoyed with me because she said she had already told me at some point what day it was. so, i told her i'd forgotten it, and just wanted to know the day. she refused to tell me again. alright. swell. so i asked one of her friends that i knew. got her birthday, marked it on my calendar, called it a day. didn't think much of it. few days later she calls me and she is furious. said i went behind her back to get information on her that she didn't want me to have. i really didn't get what the big idea was. if she'd told me once before, surely the idea of me knowing didn't make her uncomfortable. from my perspective, she didn't want to repeat it to me because she was being petty about me forgetting it in the first place. my thought process was more along the lines of "she doesn't want to tell me" rather than "she doesn't want me to know". so, now she's mad at me. i don't think i did anything wrong, but what a better way to figure that out than to ask strangers on the internet. so, am i the asshole?

nta

weird situation....nta? if she didn’t want you to have the information she could’ve just said so. also, the fact that she is getting angry at you for not picking up on that and lying about telling you in the first place is kind of a red flag about her personality. jmo.

i'm guessing she has some history that requires secrecy about her personal information? but, you are nta. she had told you, you didn't remember and asked another mutual friend. this isn't a huge deal to you - as you wanted to know to celebrate a friend - clearly for her it's a big deal. i'd just apologize for upsetting her, not for asking and let her cool off. you are nta!

9pvgwd

aita for ghosting a close friend/lover?

aita for ghosting someone who i’ve been friends with my whole life and eventually grew to have a romantic relationship with? little background here- about two years ago, i started talking to a guy. we’d been friends for years and i’d always had a bit of a crush. we’d always been sort of close friends, and talked on and off as friends..and then one day we just didn’t stop. he came to know a lot about me and i about him. eventually, as those things often do, it grew into more and a relationship came from it. the thing is, we both have very young children and live hours from each other. we had full time jobs and i was a college student. we’re also both highly emotional people. the distance, the kids, and other circumstances made us end our relationship after about 3 months. it didn’t stop there though. for months on end, all through the winter, we were on again/off again talking. there’d be these horrendous fights where we’d both say awful things, we’d go without talking for a bit (longest was like two months or something), and then start talking again and be happier than ever. we rarely saw each other after the relationship ended, but talked every day. we connected on this crazy level that i’ve never experienced before. when things were good, it was like nothing i’ve ever experienced. but, we were incredibly toxic for one another. i wouldn’t call it an abusive relationship by any means, but we both said pretty mean shit sometimes. he’s a good man and i like to think i’m a decent woman, but we were horrible for each other, at least in the circumstances we were given. anyway, things were good most of last summer. then they went south again, shortly after we spent a night together. i felt the end coming again and i was on edge every single day (i’m a highly anxious person) because of the way shit was. after about 3 weeks of very little contact and a lot of arguing, he said goodbye for the day and told me he’d text me the next day- i blocked his number. we’d argued that day and ended on *okay* terms, but i couldn’t shake the anxiety or heartache i felt. i deleted the reddit handle he had of mine so he couldn’t contact me there. i didn’t tell him it was over. i just did it. i don’t know why or even how i did without letting him know, since it’s in my nature to always seem to say *too* much instead of too little or nothing at all. it’s been about 6 months since i did that and i miss him every single day. despite everything we went through, i’ve never met anyone like him. i love him still, more than anything. he was my best friend before anything, and i’d have traded off the romantic aspect of it to keep my friend. i feel guilty as hell for leaving it the way i did but i at the time, i couldn’t help thinking it was best for us both. i knew if i told him, he’d say something to me that’d make me lose my nerve, and i’d stay. i don’t regret the choice i made, but i carry a lot of guilt about it. am i an asshole for the way i left it?

nta

nta. you described at toxic relationship that neither of you could quit. you took steps to get your life back in your control. just because you have a past with someone does nothing to entitle you or them to a present or future with that person. missing him is normal. you cared a lot- enough to stand up and argue your perspectives in hopes you would be seen and heard. heck, you can even still love him. that said, the hardest part of learning the fullness of love is learning that loving someone from outside of an active relationship is still an expression of love. and learning that lesson comes with the realization that sometimes the best expression of the love you have for the other is not being with them because of toxic aspects of the relationship. best of luck to you as you try to find a relationship that is both loving and supportive of the whole you.

nta. this hit close to home for me. the story was just way too close to my own. it probably hurt him, but if you knew it was toxic- he probably knew too. i’m sure he misses and still cares for you. i’m sure he was a good guy. but like you said, being a good person doesn’t mean you’re good for everyone. and sometimes ghosting is the only option. good for you having that strength. i hope you find someone who loves you as much as he did, and who you love as much, that it works out with.

9py7hb

aita for eating after an old lady told me to stop?

so every day on my way to the gym i eat a bag of pretzels. the bus ride is about 20 minutes. on all public transport, there is a sign that says “no eating, drinking, smoking, listening to music without headphones”. nobody enforced this unless someone’s being annoying. people hold their coffees and eat snacks literally always. i’m literally quietly sitting there eating these pretzels out of my pocket and this old lady taps me on the shoulder asks “are you eating?” me: “yes” her: “well you should stop.” me: “is it bothering you?” her: “no, but those are the rules” so i turn around and continue. it’s a small bag of pretzels, i try to eat before i lift, and frankly i’m not making a mess, being loud or smelly, and there’s no nuts or something someone would be allergic too. it’s like the ultimate neutral food. so this lady gets up for her stop and literally tells on me to the buss driver. and now im mad. am i being entitled for being mad by this? can’t tell if i’m being an entitled asshole or she was just being annoying for no reason. the bus driver looks at me, i’m literally done with the pretzels by now though. and the guy sitting in front of me turns around and goes “man, some people. if you’re hungry you eat!!” so i’m like....yeah ok i am probably not disrupting people? but rules are rules? tl;dr: am i being entitled

yta

yta for not sharing your pretzels with her. she was obviously hangry.

yta. i think it's a stupid rule but you were aware of it and you still broke it.

9q1ewh

aita for getting someone arrested who i thought was in danger?

i was walking back to my car the other night and noticed that a car was running but didn't have its headlights on (it was night time). i went up to the window to let the person know and found a woman behind the driver's seat, buckled in but hunched over the wheel. i stared for at least 3 or 4 minutes to make sure she wasn't texting or anything and noticed she was not, and also appeared to not be breathing. i decided that she needed medical attention and called 911. i told the operator the situation and that they only needed to send an ambulance. 3 cop cars, 2 ambulances, and a firetruck later, the lady behind the wheel was being arrested. she had no medical issues other than being intoxicated. which is a huge no no if you are sitting in a drivers seat of a parked car. i feel like i could have handled it a better way, like tapped on her window first or gone into the bar she was parked in front of to see if someone knew her.

nta

in my opinion, nta. i feel like you definitely should’ve tried tapping on the window first, but at the same time you did do the right thing. i wouldn’t even argue that it was unfortunate she got arrested. what if she tried to drive off while she was drunk?

nta. if you did nothing she could have woken up and driven intoxicated, putting everyone else's lives in danger. you did the right thing 100% imo

9q2mba

aita for browsing reddit instead of talking

i know there have been lots of posts like this in the past but i couldn't help it after today. firstly, i go on a walk every weekend with my whole family (usually 2-3 hours long) where i talk the entire way whilst walking and go on my phone for the 15 minutes whilst my dad throws sticks in the river for my dog to swim. second, my parents are completely fine with this. they are two busy people and these walks are usually the only time we talk together as a whole family, and i try to keep the time on my phone minimal. but today, after having spoken to my dad for an hour on the way to the river, i sat on a bench to talk to my friends about the cinema we were going to that night. my dad was fine with it, but this old man clearly saw a problem. he looked at my dad saying "do you bring that every where you go" clearly referring to me, a regular 16 year old just minding my own business. my dad tried to defend me telling this old man that i was talking to people, just not in person and finishes "it's a new way of communicating." the old man then replies "so there's no personal touch, no face to face and no real life interaction, doesn't seem like a very good way of communicating." listen, i know he has no way of knowing i had been speaking to my dad. i know he may be a bit out of touch. but, what does it matter to him? we are just out on a walk with our dog, and even if we did have a completely dysfunctional relationship, this would not have helped. after this whole ordeal i sort of felt a petty obligation to ignore the man as much as possible so i proceeded to put my earphones in and listen to music. i felt like saying something but saw, there was no need. he walked off, clearly winning the arguement no-one started, and me and my dad walked home discussing how unnecessary that conversation was. tldr; old man tells my dad i am being antisocial by texting my friends. dad explains that i am still talking to people just through my phone. old man disregards that and walks off.

nta

nta that old prick needs to mind his own business

nta, you are 16 years old and you spend time on the weekend with your whole family and your dog. in my honest opinion you are a rare gem indeed and your family have raised you well. unfortunately too many teens are glued to their phones instead of spending time actually interacting face to face with anyone, but if you need to use your phone a little bit when out with your family, its not interfering with the family time, and your parents are ok with it, then ignore him, he's probably just saw you on your phone and assumed you are like 99.9% of teenagers. keep being you, you sound like an awesome and balanced young person and you'll look back on these walks with happiness and great memories, you'll remember the walks but not the 5 mins on your phone for sure so enjoy it all. :)

9q49na

aita for not accepting food that took over an hour to be brought to us?

a few nights ago a group of friends and i went to a comedy club and decided to order some food before the show started as like many other guests. we all ordered four “cold” meals which did not have to be cooked and one appetizer. as the night went on it was nearing about an hour in and the service was already lack luster. i decided to check in on the food at 30 mins, 45 mins, and ultimately an hour. each time being told is was coming “soon” eventually we had enough and i just said “please cancel the order” the waitress decides to make a big deal out of it saying it’s coming “soon” and i again make it clear we do not want it anymore. she then goes to the back (i presume to talk to her manager) and five minutes later comes out with only half of our orders, not including the app we first ordered. “here it is, do you still want it?” i insist “no we’ll be going elsewhere, mind you the club was closing in ten minutes" things escalate and start to get heated so the manager comes over “why you don’t want this food???” and i again state that the service has been awful, the club is closing in 10 minutes, and you failed to even bring it all our order. ultimately after several attempts, a few guilt trips, and pretty much forcing the food on us; we left. admittedly i felt ashamed and embarrassed in front of our group of friends as this was a first time at this place. however, we went to enjoy a dinner at bahama breeze which we were in and out in 20 minutes. edit2: my fiance' just reminded me that before we ordered, we asked if the tomatoes for her caprese salad could be cut smaller than usual (a simple request i'd think). we were told "no" as they're pre-sliced.. only to find out later during the encounter with the manager that this was a "from scratch" kitchen. yeah... okay. legit just stay away from this place if you're in the area.

nta

nta. they have a menu, they offer service, if at 30, 45 min check ins the food wasn't out, then you had every right to refuse the service.

i almost always side with the wait staff but it sounds like your order was forgotten and then nobody took responsibility for it. fuck those people and fuck that manager. nta.

9q6em5

aita for blocking my mentally disabled classmate?

so it started in my 5th class, i just moved to a new class and met everyone including the md classmate. of course i was nice to her (surprisingly the nicest one) and she got a crush on me. when i found this out i ignored it at first. but a few years passed and it was the same picture she actually used to stalk me a bit. but i ignored her after a while i realized this wasn't gonna end if i ignored it, so i talked to her and told her that i didn't like her, but she didn't understand. now im about to move to my 10th year and i decided to change schools, and this is when she started spamming me on my messenger. she was sending me videos of her talking, some pictures and some voice lines, but i decided to ignore it, annd then came the calls. i ignored it for a year but as time passed it became more frequent calling me at the middle of the night or at the earliest of days. and i today i blocked her. am i an asshole in this situation? edit 2: i contacted them and its more or less what i though happened, basicaly the first few months that i moved away she was feeling down so the parents helped her create a facebook account to talk to me, and they were monitoring what was going on, so she didnt get out off hand but after those few months they thought that she got the hang of it and loosened the monitoring and after that stopped entirely. thats when the spamming started. the mom apologized and told me that she would try to explain to her. &#x200b;

nta

you are absolutely nta. she has serious boundary issues and that is not your problem. does she have a parent or helper? maybe you could go to them. can you go no contact with her? sorry you're dealing with her issues.

nta. i'd feel better insulating myself from false accusations from a md admirer. i'm not saying she would spread lies about you and create a "relationship" with you, but better safe than sorry. agree with others. talk with her mom.

9q71u1

aita for moving across the country without telling my friends?

tldr at bottom. i realize that this situation seems really childish, but this whole thing has been weighing on me and causing me guilt for a year. also i’m sorry about all the backstory but i feel like it’s necessary to give context. i haven't spoken to or heard from my best friends who i'll just call m and t in almost a year. i moved across the country with my husband and i never told them i was leaving. we had been friends for almost 5 years. i guess we started drifting apart about 2 years ago. it started with small stuff, they always flaked on me, wouldn't answer my texts. when we would hang out m would always be talking shit about our other best friend t[m/20] if he wasn't there, and if he was she was always really rude to him. he was incredibly disrespectful to everyone, so i don't really blame her for being so rude. eventually m convinced myself and our other friend j [m/20] to completely cut out t, and we did bc t was becoming too toxic to be around. after we all stopped talking to t, she got worse. instead of yelling at and degrading t all the time, she focused her energy on j, and started being rude towards me as well. i felt like i was walking on eggshells whenever we spoke. i called her out on this and she literally asked me to provide proof of times she had be mean to t or j. obviously i couldn't because i didn't have a recorder running whenever we were together. j and i talked about her behaviour and he decided he'd had enough of it and stopped talking to her. she took this as me being "too faced" and "fake." then my 20th birthday came up, we had decided to stay in, watch movies, eat pizza, and drink wine. i texted her the day of and she came back with some excuse about not having bus fare and she wouldn't be able to come. even when i offered to get her an uber she still didn't want to spend my birthday with me. this ended in a fight and she claimed she didn't understand why i was mad bc we could just celebrate another time. we hung out a few times after that, we talked about the birthday thing and i thought we had worked it out. fast forward to october, we're planning our halloween costumes (she wanted to do a "couples" costume with me). we went shopping together and bought all our stuff. a few days before halloween i texted her to ask which club she wanted to go to, she told me she wouldn't be able to go because she was going to montreal the next morning (so oct 29). i was mad bc i had already bought my entire costume and from the way she was speaking it seemed like she wasn't actually going to tell me she was leaving (she has done this before). this is when i had enough and decided to cut her out the first time. i learned later that she came back home in time for halloween night but didn't bother to ever tell me, and she spent the night with another mutual friend. i reconnected with both m and t about 3 months later. everything seemed great, m wasn't flaky or mean anymore and t wasn't disrespectful. then of course it started again. spending time with t always ended in him getting drunk and trying to embarrass me or out my "secrets" in front of people. m started ditching me again except this time she wouldn't hide it when she would purposefully exclude me from hanging out with mutual friends. i got married last summer (2017), neither m or t managed to show up. t said he didn't want to take the time off of work because he was trying to get a promotion and m made the montreal excuse again. this wasn’t a long engagement, but they had about 3 months notice. then my 21st birthday in august. t actually showed up, m was conveniently in toronto the whole weekend. she said we should do something on the actual day of my birthday which i was okay with, but that day came around and she cancelled to go to a beach party. the final straw for me (which is so not a big deal on its own) was when i had suggested that me, m and another mutual friend get together and watch the solar eclipse. m and i had been talking about the eclipse for a long time and were both really excited. they both agreed to go see it all together. the day of the eclipse m and mutual friend went together and didn’t invite me. i didn’t hear from them or try to reach out for a couple months before i left (they knew i was moving in the fall, just not the exact date). they found out bc i was documenting our road trip and posting about it on social media. about halfway through i received an angry text from them telling me i was a shitty person and should have told them i was leaving. at the time i didn’t feel like i had to because honestly i thought they wouldn’t even care. but now that i can’t stop thinking about it i’m wondering if i should have given them the courtesy of saying bye. tldr: bestfriend 5 years flakes on 20th bday, lies about not being in town for halloween, flakes on my wedding, flakes on 21st bday party and secondary celebration she wanted for just the 2 of us, doesn't invite me to my own solar eclipse viewing party. moved across country without telling them and they got mad.

nta

nta. they knew you were moving, so it wasn't like you blindsided them. also, there's nothing wrong with cutting toxic people from your life. as you grow up, you're going to find that friendshops made with people you knew as teenagers aren't always long lasting- and that's okay. you're going to develop new friendships, and maybe one day you'll reconnect, maybe you won't. but honestly, it's up to them- they didn't even come to your wedding! do you really want these people in your life?

nta, mostly because they were aware you were moving some time in the fall. sure, you could've told them a specific date, but they could have also asked - their flakiness is besides the point.

9q7kji

aita for saying no to being my cousins ?

my aunt asked me if i could be my little cousins godfather, i wanted to and i was, until i found out i had to be baptized. i'm not a religious person and did not want to be baptized so i had to say no. i really hope i didn't come out as mean. fyi i was 13 if that matters. (also please don't call aunt the a hole she's not)

nta

nta being a god parent is also a big deal, if something were to happen to them you are literally supposed to take the child. it's not really the best choice to pick a 13 yo.

nta. being a godparent involves a certain amount of religious obligation, at least in theory, so it should really be somebody who's comfortable being part of the kid's religious life.

9q8qri

aita for talking about my opinion om gender stereotypes.

i had a english class today where i had to discuss gender roles. (stucture is a little weird, all things said were my points st the time just with different written structure. the image at hand was of two magazines. one with a beautiful woman on the front, with titles such as, 'beauty trends', 'makeup', things that do define the gender more than the other and arn't typically a bad thing, i beilve that this is what woman like to binge read on downtime. the next mayazine was a boys magazine where it had, 'discuss your future'. 'gagits'. people where discussing that the most important thing to a woman is makeup and looking good, while for men it was discovering your future. i bought up the idea that these two books are x and y, that you can always find flaws in something that try's to force an opinion and that these comparisons were different things. (woman also have educational magazines) i was called a, 'sexiest white male' and told i can't assume something about someone's gender, but a female can because they are a minority. for saying this. if the situation had 50 men and 50 woman, with health and beauty magazines and educational magazines, woman would be statisticly more likely to buy a health and beauty magazine over a deeper educational magazine. this is so stupid and makes people angry. i'm just curious about my words i used as i believe i never hurt anyone. i stopped talking and accepted defeat in being a sexist. (aita) am i being insensitive?

nta

nta, you have the right to speak your opinion no matter how controversial.

nta for having an opinion that was not received well by the group. you're entitled to your opinion and offered it to enrich the conversation in your class setting.

9q9812

aita for applying to the same job a friend is accidentally?

i’ve been friends with a husband and wife that i’ve known since before they were married and in college (about six or so years) and have maintained connection with them even after college. i talk and play online with them every week and see them in person about once every two months or so and text daily. i consider them some of my best friends and we’ve always been close friends. recently the husband applied for a great new job and i’ve been trying to find a new one myself. we’re both currently employed but just looking elsewhere. quite frankly he’s in a much better position financially and professionally than i am. i reached out the other day and was like hey i applied for this great job not long ago that came through a job feed i get emails from. it was at the same company he was applying to and i wasn’t sure what he was applying to so i thought the one i was applying to would be a position that served under the one he would be in and that it would be cool to work in the same place. he asked which company location and job title and i told him. he responded back with basically great that’s the same one i applied to we’re competing now and best of luck, but in a way that says we’re not talking anymore. i say whoa i don’t want to compete with you, you’re my friend so even if they call i’d ask to longer be considered. he’s made i didn’t pay attention maybe he one time he mentioned it briefly i guess but i don’t remember him ever saying the job title he was applying for. they aren’t talking really anymore to me and say that well talk after the intervjw process is over and trying to stay mentally focused. i’ve always been transparent with them and would never willing betray their friendship and have even said as much. they won’t even say anything if i ask how can i make it right. i don’t have a lot of friends, like at all and it really hurts that they feel like i just fucked their life am a horrible person, i don’t quit understand why the wouldn’t even want to talk it out and just block me out until the process is over. i’m no competition for him anyways, he’s got the skills, experience, certifications to crush me or any competition really. i have apologized more than once but feel like this has ended our freindship as when i asked for forgiveness and said sorry most recently and the wife won’t even respond back as it was sent to her as well. he just responded back with “things will be all good after the interview process is over. trying to stay mentally focused during this whole thing due to the weight it can carry moving forward. we'll be more available afterward.” that sounds like it’s over with us. render your judgement and help me understand reddit. bro if you read this man the friendship with you two have meant a lot to me and ivw never said it but your friendship has been something that got me through a dark time where i all but gave up. i love you both . i need you guys, but i guess more than you need me...

nta

nta but you gotta be a little more chill here. he said he's just focused on the interview and things will be good after; trust him on that. i'm sure it puts him in an awkward spot if you were hanging out and both talking about what to do to get that job. i'd say it sounds like he's protecting your friendship by not risking building any bad feelings during the process. i imagine he's torn between wanting the job for himself and wanting you to get it, too, so it would be uncomfortable.

nta. free market economy. may the best applicant get the job.

9q9dyp

aita for not taking i don’t know as a no?

aita for not taking i don’t know as a no? so a lot of backstory first. feels necessary since the situation is a little nuanced. i met this girl at work. she didn’t start in my department but she quickly made her way there in about a month or two. we became semi fast friends since i try to be friendly to most new employees, try to see if we’d make good friends or just acquaintances. talk and have some laughs while at work, start giving her rides home after a few weeks since we were closing every weekend and she usually walks home. nobody really wants to walk half a mile at 1-2 am in not the greatest area. we would usually end up sitting in my car for anywhere from 30 minutes to 2-3 hours just hanging out talking and watching random videos. just having nice good fun. and we also started getting together with other coworkers, drinking and hanging out as friends do. long story short we become close friends over the span of 2-3ish months. i would be there for her when i could to help with her depression. shoulder to cry on type of deal. she has a lot of emotional problems so i would try to just be there for her. it’s mostly one sided since i don’t have a ton of those kinds of problems thankfully but she did help me every once in a while when i needed it. one of my emotional times i asked her if we were close because i’m insecure and also have never had a friend that close that quickly before. i’d say we’ve been friends since about march or april and we got close in about may or june or so and it’s been going pretty great since then. obviously we’ve had a few problems here and there but nothing terrible. usually related to me being a little ignorant about some of her emotional problems. i always apologize profusely and she reassures me that i had no way of knowing so i shouldn’t feel bad. i still apologized though because i still would feel bad. anyways so about two weeks before her birthday her she said something to her best friend and it really rubbed him the wrong way and he straight up avoided her and didn’t respond to her messages or apologies and if he did they were one word replies. this went up until the day before her birthday and obviously i was there for her as close friends do. it hit her really hard. crying pretty much everyday multiple times a day. self harm (she already did that before hand, i don’t agree with it personally but i can’t do anything to stop her or convince her otherwise) i would go to her place and comfort her on my lunch breaks. come over on my days off (it’s about 25 minute drive from my house, just not super convenient) and just hang out with her so she had some kind of distraction. also trying to convince that she will have a good birthday if i had anything to do about it. during one of these times we had a conversation about it and how friends shouldn’t do that to each other especially best friends and when you know they have emotional problems. basically we both agreed on this and said that if either one of us ever did something that pissed the other off or irritated them that we wouldn’t do that and that we would let each other know and talk about it. fast forward to my birthday the beginning of october. i’m trying to make a plan for what i wanna do for it and one of my close friends from work suggests we rent out a cabin in tahoe for a few days and just hang out and have fun. so i’m planning it out, we’re trying to pick the days that will work for all of us and asking people i want to go if they’d be able to. obviously i plan on asking her if she would be able to go or what days would work for her since she started working two jobs after her and boyfriend broke up so she could still afford to pay her bills. i ask her and she kinda just says i don’t know a few times. i’m trying to work with her on it so as many of my close friends can go. originally it was gonna be four days, she said “i don’t know if i can”. so i assumed it was because she’d be missing four days of work and she wouldn’t be able to afford to miss those. so i decide that it’d be cheaper to cut it down to two or three days because i wanted everyone to go and be able to still afford rent and bills. and i ask her about it again and she still says i don’t know. and i finally ask her if two days would work and she raises her voice a little and just says no! at this point i realized i was being a bit pushy about it and that it had gotten her upset. i immediately apologized. i didn’t realize it was because she doesn’t think she can handle more than 1 overnight with all those people(about 6 or 7). i also apologized over text because i wanted to let her that i was extremely sorry and did not mean to push her to go like that i just genuinely wanted everyone to go. and after that she started talking to me very little in person, we didn’t hang out at all she barely responded to me texts. about a week later i ask if she’s up for a movie she said yeah. she told me when i picked her up that she’s been kinda down all day and that she’s gonna be low energy for the rest of the night. not a big deal. we watch the movie i take her home and when i pull up to her place i asked her if we were good. she said that i know when she’s upset with me and i do, that’s why i asked. she starts telling me that sometimes i just overwhelm her and that she doesn’t wanna talk to me every single day and that she has other friends too. and also that i can be pushy sometimes and not take no for an answer. i was kinda caught off guard so i didn’t really know what to say. i just said ok i’ll try and work on it. then she just went inside. i thought about it a lot and i know that i was pushy when asking about the cabin and i apologized multiple times for it, but i couldn’t think of anytime other than that. and as far i talking to her too much, i was texting her everyday but that was only because she stopped closing and i didn’t really see her that much in person and i still wanted to talk to her. i have other friends too and i know she texts her best friends all the time everyday. so i didn’t think it was too much. so about 3 days later of still mostly being iced out i send her this big apology message repeating what my intentions were for the cabin and i also said i didn’t think i was pushy other times but still sorry if that’s how she felt. and to let me know if i was. she never responded and kept icing me out. it has gone on for about 3 1/2 weeks at this point. i text her asking if she can cover a shift since someone called out. she said no which is what i expected but then she asked me if i wanted to watch a movie (thursday night). i said sure because i wanted to talk to her in person about it. we watch it she ends up getting a ride home from her best friend so i didn’t get to talk to her so i finally said screw it and i texted her about it when i got home. i asked if the icing was over and she responded yes? that she wants to talk about it in person. that’s happening tomorrow. i’m anxious about it and i was talking to her best friend about it friday (he’s also my friend) and he was saying that from her perspective when she says i don’t know or maybe that i should just take it as a no. and that that’s why she thinks i’m pushy/can’t take no for an answer sometimes. so am i the asshole for not knowing that i don’t know and/or maybe means no? i feel like no i’m not but i really don’t know. p.s. sorry about the super long backstory, just feels like it’s a very nuanced situation and that it’s needed to be fully informed. i’m 22. she’s 21.

nta

nta, just not very good at reading people sometimes. if it helps, look into ask vs. guess culture. you two may differ in that area.

nta. story had way too many details. could have been much shorter. which movie you watched, who picked the movie... a lot of details. but she should have just been straight up so you knew.

9qa37w

aita for wanting my boyfriend to help more around the house?

my boyfriend and i have been living together for a year and 4 months and we celebrate our 2nd anniversary next weekend. he's always brought in significantly more income. his job pays better than mine and i can't work full time due to a serious mental illness. i'm actually going to be on disability starting next month and that'll help. because i'm home more and make less it's always sort of been the understanding that i do most of the house work. i'm totally fine with that, but he does almost none. he cleans the litter box, but leaves it too long unless i nag him. once in a while he'll do laundry or dishes. i was just in the kitchen making him dinner (i volunteered for that, i love to cook) and when i saw the full sink i realized that this is the 3rd or 4th weekend that i've asked for his help with dishes and he's blown it off. i'm even sure to ask on weekends since he's always tired after work and sometimes has to go out of town during the week. i really try to be reasonable and understanding. i also think it is relevant to mention that he's spoils the crap out of me. when we can afford it he takes me out to eat, buys me presents, all that fun stuff. all the time he makes me feel important and special. he's pretty good at helping me with the more "everyday" symptoms of my mental illness and the more severe, less frequent episodes. so he brings plenty to the relationship besides money, it's basically just the cleaning that's getting out of hand. all he helps with is the litter box and once in a while dishes or laundry. i'm expected to do everything else. i'm overwhelmed with house work but i don't want him to be overwhelmed. i'm not even good at it. this house is always a mess. i hate it. he's not easy to clean up after. am i the asshole for wanting him to help more since he already does so much? or is this unfair distraction of household labor? tl;dr i do more because i work less but he does almost nothing and i can't keep up. am i the asshole for wanting him to do more?

nta

nta i don't know the severity of the mental illness or what is profession is, but you don't sound like you're forcing anything insane upon him. people have needs in a relationship, and asking for those needs to be met isn't being an asshole.

nta. if you can't keep up with the work, then him expecting you to do it without help is unreasonable. and the fact that he only helps out after you repeatedly bring it up to him can send the message that he's undervaluing how much you do around the house, or just expects you to do it all for him. how much money he makes and the fact that he buys you gifts is irrelevant imo

9qac5t

aita for disagreeing with my family’s religious views?

i’m 17 years old. i’ve never posted here, but i’m so fed up with shit i’ll attempt to keep this brief. i live in a household where i am well provided for. i know this comes across as a rich and snobby attitude, but i strive to disassociate myself with that attitude and to be compassionate and kind to others regardless of belief. i believe that people can agree to disagree, and i won’t bash anyone just for believing something. about 10 minutes ago, i just got a lecture from my dad about what i did earlier today. during church (which i am forced to go to) i don’t sing hymns, or take communion, because i think it’s disrespectful to take communion if i’m not christian. (i’m agnostic) i also don’t want to sing hymns because i think it’s stupid to sing about something i do not believe in. my dad bursts in my room and starts cussing me out, telling me i’m fucking everything up, and my mom is crying in the other room. he forces me to go apologize to her. i’m not sorry for what i did, i’m just sorry that she can’t see sometimes people have different beliefs and accept that. dad goes on to tell me how good i have it, (i agree) and that i’m going to start taking communion and singing with a smile on my face before i get my phone, transportation, and college fund taken from me. i’m not lazy, and i work hard for my grades. i typically make straight a’s, with a b here and there. he tells me that that’s the only thing i can control, and that if i don’t stop “filling my head with bullshit” and quit “turning my back on god” that i’m not “going to amount to shit.” i just want to prove everyone wrong. i realize what i did could be seen as disrespectful but i really am just asking for advice because it’s another solid year before i can leave and go to college.

nta

nta. my parents flipped their shit when they found out i was an atheist. even more so when i started dating a muslim woman. as for dealing with it, i doubt anything is going to change their minds. are you entirely dependant on them or can you look after yourself (once you're 18 of course)?

nta. that said, when you live under your parent's roof, sometimes you just have to go along with what they want, and work hard to get your own place. then, when you have your own place, you are no longer beholden to them.

9qanvv

aita: testing a deaf cab driver

for some reason i thought he was lying and thus was some kind of a prank or a social experiment type thing. that's how often i encounter deaf people, which is once every few years. so as i sat there i felt compelled to test it out to see if he would react to loud annoying sounds to see if he was legit. so i started with loud throat clearing and worked my way up to some bizarre yelping noises from one side of my mouth. looked like he didn't notice anything. the radio was off (not surprising) so i thought hey why not put on some tunes? even if i put on something most people think is awful i can get away with it. how can you refuse that kind of opportunity. i cranked it up and let the tunes belt out of my phone. he didn't seem fazed by any of this. so i guess he was deaf after all. and i kind of feel like a dick for my shenanigans. aita?

yta

yta. the majority of the deaf population can hear to some degree, it's just severely impaired - so cranking tunes in the back, for example, would be picked up by most people.

yes. yta. easy as that

9qap3a

aita for being unsympathetic to friends dating issues?

a friend of mine has been unsuccessful in her online dating conquests. she often discounts men for their physical appearance, even if there were aspects of their personality that she liked. for example, she does not want to date men shorter than her. this limits her pool of candidates as she is quite tall. in addition, she is a part of the lgbtq community and is often discriminated against by people online - something that is understandably very challenging and upsetting. she can be very jaded about dating, and i can see why. recently, while lamenting her dating woes, she claimed that many of her friends' cis white heterosexual boyfriends would not even date her due to discrimination. she said she found this unsettling and said that "these women in long term relationships with men who would not even date me". she added that women are just complacent in their dating choices. i got a bit defensive as my boyfriend is cis, white and heterosexual, and i felt as though she was specifically talking about my boyfriend based off of her tone and based off previous discussions i've had with her about complacency in my own relationship, and so i called her out for being discriminatory herself (not dating certain men based on their height or weight). she admitted that she has done this in the past but is getting better at it. however, i feel badly for calling her out for this in the first place, as i could tell that i was getting defensive and standing up for my boyfriend. i know she is frustrated with dating in general, but i didn't agree with the discussion based off of hypothetical situations. aita?

nta

nta. it doesn't matter what community you are a part of, everyone has preferences in a relationship. height, gender, income, nationality. this does not make u bigoted, just human and honest about what u want. those are yours and yours alone to decide. there is nothing wrong with dating only what you like.

nta, very plain and simple, she’s the asshole, and she seems very unlikable as a partner.

9qd181

aita: still angry at my brother for things that happened years ago that my family says i'm overreacting about.

my brother is 24, i'm 20. he and his wife live with my mom, i live with my grandfather with my girlfriend only a mile away, and he just had a new baby a week ago. i love my brother and we would do anything for each other, but he has in all honesty the emotional maturity of a 14 y/o, with the sense of humor and knowledge level of one as well. the one surprising thing i can applaud him of is that the moment i came out of the closet, he stopped making political facebook posts about "the gays". despite this, i'm serious, i love him very much and he is definitely a different person that he was while we were growing up. but if we weren't family, there's no doubt in my mind that i wouldn't go near him with a 10-foot pole. anyway, me and my girlfriend were over visiting yesterday and things got a bit heated. i honestly don't remember what started it since me and my brother tend to *constantly* rub each other up the wrong way (i think it was my mom saying that my brother wasn't that bad when we were growing up), so i ended up going off listing: * remember that time you nearly drowned me in the pool, and only stopped because mom caught you? * remember that time you asked me if i wanted to see a karate move, i said yes, so you punched me so hard in the stomach i couldn't breathe? * remember that time you asked if you could see my favorite stuffed animal (i collected them and tucked them in/gave them a kiss goodnight every night at this age), so i gave it to you and you stabbed a hole through it? * remember that time you got into a fight with mom, and i was just leaving my room, and because i was in your way you threw me into the wall? * remember that time you threw me into the pool, even though i was screaming and crying for you not to (i have, because of him, a control issue), and i had a bruise on my arm for weeks? in his defense, it was one of those blood-vessel bruises that looks worse than it is, but i was also uncontrollably shaking for the rest of the day. * remember that time you let me play with you outside, only to shoot me several times with a bb gun and laugh? there's *much* more, but i stopped there. he laughed after every point, saying "that's awesome" or "i was hilarious". my mom told me to stop, and he said: "good times. remember that time you turned off the tv to get back at me, so i slapped you so hard in the face you cried and screamed like a bitch and hid in your room for 3 days?" i wasn't a saint when i was growing up. i didn't get kicked out of two high-schools like him, or get caught driving mom's car at 14 like him, or get a tattoo at 15 like him, but i was a tattletale and a smart-ass and before i learnt how to control it, i verbally hurt people and i fully understand why some of the things he did was in 'payback'. i will say though that most of the things i listed happened when i was around 8, which was my tattletale phase and not my bitch phase, and for the most part i thought my brother was the coolest person ever and i always (annoyingly) wanted to be with him. i've also always been very sensitive and would definitely overreact, so these days whenever i'm upset about *anything* my family blows it off as me being a 'crybaby', even though by the time i was 13 i learned how to deal with things better (i/e: repress them). anyway, after that i forgot what happened next, but i was still angry and probably lashed out a few times passive-aggressively. my brother told me to "get the fuck out." mom and his wife were pissed at him and asked me to stay, so i'm assuming he was in the wrong, but i left because i felt myself having a breakdown. i don't cry much anymore, but by the time me and my girlfriend got into the car i was sobbing uncontrollably and i didn't understand why. i texted my mom apologizing for the outburst, but i also told her that i guess i just always wished my brother would realize the things he did to me and apologize. even though it wouldn't do much for what's already happened, the fact that he thought everything i listed was "hilarious" and "awesome" instead of actually saying "wow, that was wrong of me" i guess really, really hurt me. mom said "i'm sorry he was rough sometimes, he loved you and still loves you and would do anything for you." i didn't say that, but is it wrong of me that i don't care? i mean like i said, i love him too, but him loving me doesn't negate everything that he did to me. i'm still upset, obviously, but i can't see to let it go. i mean my mom's right, i wasn't easy to deal with either and we were all just kids, and brothers roughhouse with their sisters all the time. he hasn't done anything like that in 6-ish years i would say, so i'm just dragging up unimportant things that aren't relevant anymore. but i have pretty bad anxiety, and me and my psychiatrist narrowed down that it originally manifested from constantly being afraid of him. even to this day, i still notice that i subconsciously always make sure i can see him and not let him behind my back, and if he raises his hand while near me (even to reach for something) i flinch, he's the only person i've ever flinched around for no reason. also, while i was born gay and i know this is wrong of me, men make me very uncomfortable and i don't like making physical contact, even handshakes make me very anxious. i know 100% i'm scared of most men because of my brother, i know it's not true but i end up thinking they're all violent with anger management issues and unpredictable in general. i'm working on that. am i the asshole for still being upset about this? i mean, regardless i'll have to let it go, because my brother would **never** apologize for the way he used to treat me, but am i upset for good reason or just overreacting about things that happened years ago? my mom thinks i'm overreacting. it's a normal thing for siblings to tease and beat up each other, so i'm just complaining about something that happens everywhere else. i just wish i could let it go.

nta

nta. i have an older sister a lot like that except instead of bragging about it (which is absolutely insane, like creepy serial killer-y) she just pretends it doesn't happen and loves to talk about how happy and close she is with me and our younger sister. my younger sister and i can't stand her. people make it seem like you should forgive and forget "for your own sake" but no. if you don't want to you don't have to. i'll die angry at my sister for how she treated me and i don't see anything wrong with that.

nta. as a parent, i would never allow that kind of behavior in my household between children. that's straight up abuse, and doesn't do anything but nurture tension and bad behaviors. that being said, you're both still very young. give it 10 more years to see if apologies start rolling out. maturity doesn't come automatically with turning 18. it's something that ripens with experience. until then, just work on forgiveness. it will help release your pain, anger, and improve your mental health. you've still got a long life ahead of you. don't waste opportunity by housing grief. ❤

9qebi9

aita for not wanting to smoke weed around my friends small child?

throwaway because my friends know my main account. so me and my bf are pretty much your stereotypical hippeis. we grow our own food and try to live as minimally as possible. most of our friends live the same way and we are a very close knit friend group. we also smoke lots of weed, it's pretty much our go-to recreational activity. unfortunately for us, we live in the conservative south and out sate is not legal. another couple in our group had a baby a few years ago. at first they were pretty good about not exposing their baby to pot smoke or just weed in general but slowly this has started to change. now they smoke weed all-day every-day in front of the child. you go over to their house and the 2ft bong is out out on the kitchen table with the weed just sitting out right next to it. they have started bringing the child to our chill and smoke sessions too. it's awkward to have to pass a joint around a three year old and hearing her scream "daddy, puff puff pass!" and everyone laugh and act like it's no bid deal while we are smoking out this room with a toddler in it. so i've stopped hanging out with my friends, since it has been making me uncomfortable. one of my friends asked why they haven't seen me lately, when i expressed my discomfort they acted like i was being an asshole. juding my friends and essentially calling them bad parents. i do not think they are bad parents. they take great care of their child and love them immensely. they just have the mindset that weed *should* be legal and that there isn't anything wrong with it, so no need to hide it from their child. i on the other hand, have the mindset that we already doing something illegal and shouldn't be mixing a child into it. am i the asshole here?

nta

nta as i agree with you. i’m am very far from being a teetotaller but there are certain behaviours i don’t think it’s right to subject young children to and drunk/high adults are one of them. young children pick up and internalise what happens around them more than adults but have very limited experiences to understand it. also the chance of accidental consumption of it’s easily accessible, or the child deciding to find out what happens when you eat it, is a risk and the consequences of that are too great.

nta. i smoke, in a state that’s legalized pot. i have small children as well. never around them, although they may smell the after effects if they walk into my room. but they know better than to go into mommy and daddy’s room without asking anyway.

9qexan

aita for getting pissed off at friends who don’t use push to talk over the mic?

imo it is super inconsiderate to just have an open mic when you do things like eat, smoke, breathe, have pets in the background, hear arguments with parents (dudes like 22, i hate hearing that bickering) kids yelling, etc. but god forbid i ask people to use push to talk and they say im over reacting. it can be kinda funny because ill do something similar in the mic and exaggerate it, but for fucks sake people i dont wanna hear your dog bark for 10min straight while you are fighting with your parents

nta

nta, just mute them or something.

nta. i don't use push to talk personally but if my dogs start barking, i'm eating, or my parents are talking to me etc i always mute until i'm finished. it's just common courtesy when talking to someone online

9qezly

aita for finding out the person who assaulted my friend had a seizure from me defending her?

so full disclosure, my friend is an asshole and started the fight. i did my best to stop it before it happened but ultimately people are going to make their own choices and take their own actions. anyway, here it goes. a friend and i went to a concert, she had a few drinks and got into an altercation with another woman. they began fighting, and the the girls boyfriend tackled and put his hands around the neck of my friend during the fight. i tried to pull him off, and couldn’t. fearing for my friends safety, i kicked the guy in his head as hard as i could. i was told later that night he was taken to the hospital for an epileptic seizure. it turns out, he was friends with my gf’s friends, and they were all talking about it at the bar the other night. last night, my girlfriend informs me what happened, to which i respond that i felt bad the situation happened, but i feel i acted in defense of my friend, and that a man should never assault a woman, especially if he’s epileptic. basically, everyone thinks i’m an asshole because i refuse to accept fault when i believe i acted in defense of a woman. sure that woman started it, but the man had no right to attack her. to be honest, i’d do it again. i will never tolerate a man putting hands on a woman. and i only got involved when he started attempting to strangle my friend. am i the asshole for refusing to feel sympathy for a guy who got hurt because he couldn’t keep his hands to himself?

nta

nta. i am an epileptic. you don't have seizures because you get banged in the head. you have seizures because your meds aren't right, or stress, or you are light sensitive or your drinking, or drugs..or... but not because your banged in the head.. not your fault. &#x200b;

sounds like he had gone beyond self defence and started attacking back which is not ok, if you gain the upper hand in self defence you either k.o with minimal force or look to restrain. strangling is excessive force you however did the right thing, judging that you don't have the strength to restrain you went for k.o with minimal force possible (which doesn't mean pull your punch it means trying to do it in one hit) you succeded in diffusing the situation and stopped further injury to both parties. you didn't know he had epilepsy, and even if your kick had induced epilepsy i still wouldn't call you the asshole because you made the right choice. you could have tried talking him down but it would have failed because he wouldn't have heard you in the club you are nta

9qfkp1

aita for leaving my friend who wanted a ride home from school?

i drive to high school each day, and before the start of school, two of my friends said that we should all drive to school together. i thought it was a good idea, so we did it. i was the one driving, and it was my vehicle. i offered to drive both of them to school, but not home, because they have football practice after school. the parking permits at our school last for one trimester (three months) and cost $50. each guy chipped in a small amount. one of them $20, and one of them $10. they live varying distances, this is why they paid me different amounts. either way, the gas alone is going to end up costing me more than that anyway, so i was being nice. now that you know the background story, i'll get on to the point of my question. i was sitting in my last class of the day when i received a text from one of them. he asked me if i would drive him home, and i said yes, but under the condition that he better get his ass out to my car fast. i said this because i go to a large school, about 2,500 students, and the parking lot is a mess at the end of the day. i always get out to my car as fast as i could, to avoid waiting for 15 minutes just to leave the parking lot. this day, i was the furthest class from the front door in the entire school. once the bell rang, i headed for my car. on the way to my car, i called the kid that i was driving home, told him about how far i was from my car, and asked if he was outside yet. he replied that he was almost to my car, and he even thought he might be in front of me. i was still a good distance from my car, so i was pretty surprised. when i reached my car, he was nowhere to be found, which kind of pissed me off. i got into my car and started leaving. as i was pulling out of the parking lot i called him again. he asked if i left and i told him that i was about to. then a short while later he asked where i was and i said i was gone. he was like "seriously dude? i don’t even know what to say" and then he hung up. so you tell me, am i the asshole for doing that? tl/dr kid i go to school with wanted a ride home. i said yes, but only if he gets there fast, as parking lot is bad at end of day. i was furthest from my car, yet he didn't get there in time, so i left.

yta

i'm gonna say yta, and hear me out. if your friend asks you for a ride, say yes or no, and do it or don't. if you want to get out of the parking lot quickly, and you think that waiting for him will impact that time, and that is very important to you, just say no. you said yes, (even though you gave a stipulation), and that caused him to not search further for other potential rides. i'm just going to say it now, getting out that quickly should not cause you to leave him after you told him you would. that's a dick move, and now he has to scramble and potentially wait for hours for someone to pick him up.

this one is tough. on one hand, you're driving him for free and you did ask for him to get there quickly. on the other hand, you were being pretty impatient for no reason. what do you consider a short while later? how long after you left did he text you? you honestly couldn't wait a couple minutes? it's kind of a dick move to be so impatient especially if it was only a few minutes. on the other hand, you were doing him a favor not the other way around. unfortunately i'm leaning more toward yta.

9qgaz6

aita for telling a girl i would not help her learn 4 weeks of class material?

i was taking a summer class with this girl i know. in my college, like in most colleges, summer classes are condensed, meaning you get two weeks of material for every week of school. so a summer class lasts 7 weeks, but you are seeing most of the same material that is in a 14 week class. &#x200b; so this friend is in the army reserves. a few weeks before summer class starts, she tells me she wants to take a 2 week contract over the summer that will send her out of the country, during weeks 3 and 4 of our summer college class. she asks if i can give her my notes when she gets back. i tell her it's no problem. &#x200b; so about a day before the summer class starts, we are talking on messenger and i feel a little bit of pressure, as i'm starting to feel like her success in the class will depend a lot on my notes and me tutoring her about what she missed. i said that i would give her my notes, but i am starting to wonder if she expects me to spend a lot of time going over all the material with her. so i decide to make our agreement clear and i write to her something along the lines of "i can give you my class notes and answer your questions, but you can't expect me to teach you 4 weeks of class material when you get back". she responds by calling me an asshole and has ghosted me since. &#x200b; i could have said in a kinder way, but i guess i didn't want the pressure of have this person's success depend entirely on me. &#x200b;

nta

nta. also, it sounds like someone doesn't want your notes after all.

nta. yeah you could've said it in a nicer way (maybe you should clarify that with her, even if she doesn't respond), but teaching someone all that material is hard for anyone, especially if you need to work on it yourself. also, you said you'd answer her questions, which i think is already pretty generous on its own.

9qgdpu

aita for doing my morning make-up in the public bathroom?

this particular situation happened to me this morning, but i've always wondered if other people think it's wrong to do anything other than piss or shit in a public restroom. i work in a 5-story building with about 20 other companies, mostly all professional. most days i get to work a little early so i'll do my make-up in the ladies room. yes, i could do it at home and sometimes i do, but i have just gotten into the habit of doing it once i get to work. anyway, this morning i went into the bathroom and there was another woman already in there. well, i have to assume she was going no. 2 but was too embarrassed to finish it while i was there, so she decided to just "wait me out". well, after about 2 minutes of putting my make-up in awkward silence, knowing damn well she was cursing me out in her head to get the fuck out already, i decided to pack up my stuff and finish up on the 4th floor bathroom. i kid you not, the same thing happened up there! woman was already in a stall, got super quiet and just waited for me to finish. well, i felt guilty, like i was in the wrong again, so i headed downstairs and finished putting my make-up on at my desk with a few minutes to kill before i had to clock in. so, the question is: am i the asshole for using the public bathroom to apply my make-up? should i be more respectful of the privacy most people prefer while doing their business? i try not to take a long time, and i am not the only person who does it, but i still feel guilty!

nta

nta, it’s public for a reason.

nta. although i totally empathise with the women in the stalls!

9qgr8a

aita for trying to establish a 'my car my rules' rule?

aita howdy y'all. tl;dr - i like my car with no food smells. co-worker brought food smells into my car despite my wishes and them not having paid for their meal. so i just bought a new car and appreciate keeping it clean to my standards. one of those is that i don't bring cooked food in it because it tends to leave a lingering smell. we went as a group to a veggie burger place and one of my co-workers bought the meal of another co-worker. co-worker didn't finish their food and wanted to bring it with us on an almost 20 minute car drive back to work. i told the co-worker that i don't want that smell in my car and the co-worker said they would just pack it in a purse and in a bag. i insisted that it was my car my rules and wished they would finish their food, that they didn't pay for, but they got snippy and gave a small quiet treatment. am i the asshole for asking my co-worker to either finish their food or not bring it into my car? the smell of greasy fries and chicken tenders is now emanating. *edit* it seems that based on the comments so far it is split between i am and i am not the asshole. so far i am schrodinger's asshole? i have since spoken to co-worker and we are all good it was just slightly awkward for a while but a good talk and a nice high five solved this tiny dilemma. good tips to stand by - carry febreeze, blankets for bodies, and containers. be up front before heading to a place to eat about my car standards regarding food. thanks to everyone for the input.

yta

yes, yta. you aren't technically in the wrong, as you can decide what to bring into your car, but you were being an asshole. she wanted to bring her food, in a bag, in her purse. that won't leave much of a smell, and it'll fade very quickly. it's really not a big deal. also, it doesn't matter at all whether she paid for it or not, and it was a dick move to bring it up.

yta. you knew where you were going and that there was a chance that someone would have leftovers. you were not the person who paid for the food, so it should not really matter who did. if you are worried about the car, then you should've driven separate or taken their car. at the very least, just ask them to put it in the trunk or roll down the windows. you really should have seen this from a mile away. yes, it is your car and your rules, and i would understand not wanting them to eat in your car because it could stain, but imagine being given the options of forcing down food you don't want, throwing out food someone bought for you, or walking the distance of a 20 minute drive. that's a terribly uncomfortable moment for them.

9qgvi3

aita for texting my coworker to see if he would want to work more?

long story short, i’m a high school senior and going to college at night, i just had a 30 hour work week and i have another 30 hour one this week. were really the only two people that can do this specific job so i texted him and asked how much he’s working and if he’d like to pick up an extra shift or something. he’s working around 20-25 so i just said okay man no worries and left it at that. now i feel like a dick though for even asking him, like i’m lazy or something. tldr: am i the asshole for asking coworker his hours and if he’d like to work more?

nta

depends how you asked, but no nta.

nta. you are allowed to ask other people to work for you, as long as you don't get shitty for them saying no.