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“That was a long day.”
Claire and I manage the walk back to the dorms with not too much fanfare. I feel tired, and I think she is too. But she has been a bit quiet. At least the evening is nice, and not raining. The temperature is enough that the walk isn’t unpleasant.
“Do you mind if we sit down Rei?”
“Something wrong?”
“Not really, I’m… or well this me doesn't seem quite used to such long treks.” She laughs. “I just want to give my feet a rest for a bit. The moon is lovely, isn’t it?”
“Ahh sure… wait?” …I can die happy ?
“Hrmm?” She tilts her head playfully. Despite being tired her eyes still glitter.
She knows. She knows what that means…
“I know. Did I tell you that one?”
“You did, and you also said the normal response is I can die happy. But neither of us really wanted to hear the other say it like that so we just said ‘I know’ in turn.”
Wait… “Huh? I didn’t know that’s-”
“Rei I know… I just wanted to say it. Let’s sit down.” There is an easy smile on her face as she moves towards a bench and sits the bags next to her.
It’s quiet tonight, I don’t really see anyone else out walking. Sitting down wasn’t a bad idea, we have been up for a long time haven’t we.
“So… how was today? It wasn’t too much was it? Like everything?” God why do I keep asking.
Claire has her eyes shut for a moment, takes a light breath and looks at me softly. “Today was wonderful. Busy, but wonderful. I’m glad I got to meet Shiko, really. I always wondered what it would be like on this side, to be part of your life here. I want to keep seeing more of it, Rei.”
“Even the weird parts?”
She laughs, “I think you worry too much. You have always been weird Rei, that’s what I loved about you. You were always yourself, not who everyone told you to be.”
I wish…
“And if you're still worried about Shiko’s work upsetting me, don’t. I admit, some of it was surprising, at least to see it in paper for the first time.” She laughs, “And some of the ones I had seen at other stands were quite… out there. Either way, a fantasy is different from reality. We played out many fantasies my dear, but those never left the bedroom. I would never try to hurt you for real after all.”
Wait what?
“You would hurt me?.”
“In delicious ways, yes. I thought I made this clear before.” She leans towards me with a sly smile and half drawn eyes.
Do I want that…?
“I… I… didn’t think you were being… serious?”
“I was, you got me a whip for when we would get in character. ”
cR-Rack!
ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod
“Do you not want to?”
Oh god yes!
“But doesn't that make… me… I don’t know? Fucked up?” I wince as the word escapes.
Claire looks surprised by that, shit. “Is that what you think? Rei, it’s fine. I just said a fantasy is okay. And if you are wrong for it, I am right there beside you and would also be wrong. Glady I might add. We complete each other.”
“It’s not weird if I would be into… getting hurt… by you? You… tying me down…”
“Taking away your control ?”
Oh.
God.
It's too easy imagining her holding me down…
It’s really hard to swallow.
“Rei, I mean it, but I also meant that I don’t want to rush you into anything either. You knew what you wanted when we first got together, and you didn’t rush me into anything I wasn’t ready for. I can do that too… I can see that this is new to you, but please don’t feel like you are wrong for any desires.”
“But it feels wrong. I’m not supposed to be like this.”
“You’re you. You’re exactly how you’re supposed to be. Trust me. I know.”
Her hand finds mine on the bench, and her fingers slowly seep into mine. It’s unfair how much this makes me feel better. I don't feel like I deserve this.
“Rei?” Claire’s voice cuts my thoughts.
She looks so lovely as she sits on the bench, just illuminated by the streetlights.
“Yah?”
She fidgets a bit, the nervousness is odd on her. “I got something for you.”
Oh ?
“I… you didn’t have to get me anything.”
“But I wanted to, silly… I…” She frees a hand and reaches into one of her bags, letting the sentence hang. After a bit of shuffling, she finds what she is looking for. “Close your eyes please?”
“Ahhh, sure?” Did she find what she was looking for?
“Close them you dolt.” There's no edge to it and she laughs.
“Right, sorry.” I close them tightly and her other hand slips away from me. I can just hear her move a bit. It sounds like she’s pulled out whatever it was from the bag, maybe she is opening something up? It’s taking a while… should I have gotten her something too? She didn’t get me something too much did-
“Open your eyes now Rei.” She sounds a bit small right now. I open my eyes, and she has her hands pocketed together, cupping something in them. “Here.” She moves her hands to me.
A careful glance… is that a chain? “Can… I?”
She chuckles a little, “Of course you dolt, it’s for you.” She is smiling, but it's shy, and her cheeks seem a bit redder than usual.
I feel a bit sheepish. Okay. I pull the chain up from her hand and notice there is something attached at the end… a pendant… wait?
“Is this… you got me a Persona pendant? Really?!” Oh it looks so good.
I have to bring it in close, the light isn’t helping, but it’s cut so cleanly, the hat and mask, with the flames rippling out… this is so fucking cool.
“… do you like it?”
“I…”
It's so cool.
“I know you don’t usually wear something-”
“I love it.”
She smiles, and relaxes. “Thank goodness, I was worried for a moment. Only a moment though.”
“Can I put it on?”
“Of course silly.” She sounds so pleased.
I feel stupid as I fumble with the latch it has, I click it open and try to close it again at the back of my neck… ok fuck this hard. I should be able to just… come on.
“Let me help.” She steers my shoulder so that I’m facing away from her and she takes the ends of the chain.
Click.
The chain is let go, and its weight pulls down. It’s a little cold initially, I wasn't expecting that but it feels like it warms up quickly. I don’t normally wear stuff like this.
“I wanted to get you something… I know it’s not your usual ware, but you also got me an amulet on our first… well it wasn’t a date yet, but it was. And I really treasured it. I saw it earlier and… I just thought of you. I thought you would like it.”
I… I didn’t get her anything.
“I’m sorry I should have gotten you something too.”
“What? No… I wanted to get you something Rei.” Her hand closes over one of mine.
“But this is so nice… and if I got you something before…” I shift back to face her.
“Nonsense, Rei I just want you… you don’t understand. I wanted you to have something that reminded you. That I’m here for you. You… we didn’t get along to begin with, I was so terrible to you at first.”
I don’t believe that for a second.
“And I still had a lot of growing up to do. Old biases to unlearn, and I didn’t think someone could love me like you claimed. Let alone I had never even considered being with a woman before then. But you stayed by me, you told me I was worth it. And one day, you convinced me to walk the school fair with you. It was the most fun I had had… nothing had even compared before then but I couldn’t even tell you that. And then the day’s end drew near and you gave me the amulet. You told me that I saved you, even though you couldn’t explain how. I don’t know if I would have believed you at the time if you did, but I never let the amulet go until it broke.”
“It broke?” Why ?
“Yes…it had magic and it saved my life I think. I was still too self conscious to bring it up when it did. If I did that… maybe I would be too obvious, show my hand too much. Admit that I really was in love with you too. Years later, for an anniversary you replaced it, after we talked about it. I was such a child back then.” She sighs and smiles, she sounds so fond of those old memories.
“I wanted that for you. I want you to know how much you mean to me. That you also saved me. That I want you to always carry me with you in some way. And I want it to be in a way that matters to you. I love this part of you, and I love that I get to share it with you this time. That’s what this means to me Rei.”
This means so much to her…
I don’t deserve this. That wasn’t me, that was her…
“Rei?”
“Ummm?”
“Rei what’s wrong?” She places a hand on my cheek, it's so gentle.
“N-nothing’s wrong.”
“Rei, it’s alright.”
“No really. I’m just being stupid and being a m-mess after my… you got me a really nice thing Claire. I really do like it. Please don’t worry about me.”
Claire pulls me into a hug, “I’m glad, but of course I’m going to worry. You're not being an idiot. Please. What’s wrong?”
I didn’t do that for you.
I’m not the amazing person you think I am. I’m not special. I'm not confident. I’m not clever. I’m not cute. I’m not sexy. I can’t do magic. I don’t know anything about you. I’m an otaku. I’m awkward. I can't even cook. I don’t know what I’m doing. Ever.
I’m not who you think I am.
I’m not Rae Taylor.
It’s hard to swallow. I have to say something.
“I don’t know, I… am I? Is this too…? Are you sure?”
She draws back and examines me. Her face contorts, as she considers, and it shifts. She looks dismayed. “I’m pushing you too much again, aren’t I?”
Nononononononononononononono
“No! I… just…”
“Rei, you can tell me, please.” She looks so worried.
Just deal with it. Be better, be who she wants you to be. I can’t lose her.
“I really do like it, Claire. I’m just… bad at this…”
She pulls me into another hug, “Rei, you’re not bad at it. Not like you think you are. I assure you, I was much worse. I love you, and I’ll keep telling you that till it sinks in. Till it makes sense. Okay?”
Till I’m right…
“Today was fun, it really was. Every day with you has been wonderful. I hope you have also enjoyed it.” I can feel her emotions through the embrace.
“I… yah. I’m so l-lucky…”
“We both are.” She tightens the hug, it’s so nice. I really want to belong here. With her. “I just want to be here for you, help you be happy this time. You know that right?”
Was I…? “I think so… but it’s not me that… you have so much we still have to catch up on. You still have to keep up with class. We still haven’t finished history, barely scratched it and then we haven’t even touched pre-history and science is going to be so much too.”
“Rei, that’s okay, I have no doubt we will manage that, but it’s not just about me. You're here too. Remember, you swore that you would let me help you too. It doesn’t matter what it is, I will help you too. Or did you forget?”
It’s hard not to feel the pendant when she says that.
I made that contract.
“I’ll remind you when you do you dolt.” She pulls back, but just so she can give me a small kiss on the forehead. “Alright?”
“I’ll try Claire…”
“ Rei , I love you.”
I love you too…
I can’t say that yet though, I’m not ready. I need to be right for her first. I need to be better. Then I can tell her.
I really want to tell her.