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Jayeshkumarjangir

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memegen_jokes_1217

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Why won't pigs take up jogging

They don't like to get that far from the table.

### Instruction: Why won't pigs take up jogging ### Response:

Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows?

It took her six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.

### Instruction: Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three basement windows? ### Response:

How do you stop a taliban tank

Shoot the Guy Pushing it

### Instruction: How do you stop a taliban tank ### Response:

FIRST PIGLET: How do you know your boyfriend loves you

SECOND PIGLET: He signs his letters with lots of hogs and kisses.

### Instruction: FIRST PIGLET: How do you know your boyfriend loves you ### Response:

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant

A. Any place without a drive-up window.

### Instruction: Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant ### Response:

Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic

The bear hug!

### Instruction: Which technique does a Gorilla borrow from another animal when it gets romantic ### Response:

How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes

Hold up your arm and say 'Go back you didn't say 'May I

### Instruction: How do you stop a thundering herd of Apes ### Response:

Who held the baby octopus to ransom

Squidnappers

### Instruction: Who held the baby octopus to ransom ### Response:

What is a thespian pony

A little horse play!

### Instruction: What is a thespian pony ### Response:

Q. What's the difference between 'weather' and 'climate

A. You can 't 'weather' a tree but you can 'climate'!

### Instruction: Q. What's the difference between 'weather' and 'climate ### Response:

How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented

They were very impressed!

### Instruction: How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented ### Response:

What do you call a black cat than can spring up to a six foot wall

A good jumpurr

### Instruction: What do you call a black cat than can spring up to a six foot wall ### Response:

How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?

Her crayons are still sticky.

### Instruction: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity? ### Response:

Knock Knock Who's there ! Bashful ! Bashful who

I can't tell you I'm so embarrassed

### Instruction: Knock Knock Who's there ! Bashful ! Bashful who ### Response:

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible

A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

### Instruction: Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible ### Response:

What's one thing everybody sees in a blonde?

A dick.

### Instruction: What's one thing everybody sees in a blonde? ### Response:

What did a blind boy's parent's do to punish him?

Rearranged the furniture

### Instruction: What did a blind boy's parent's do to punish him? ### Response:

How do you hire a teddy bear

Put him on stilts

### Instruction: How do you hire a teddy bear ### Response:

What's Dracula's car called

A mobile blood unit.

### Instruction: What's Dracula's car called ### Response:

Did you hear about the pub owner who raised a baby rabbit

It was an inn-grown hare!

### Instruction: Did you hear about the pub owner who raised a baby rabbit ### Response:

Why did the dentist make a poor date with the manicurist

Because they fought both tooth and nail!

### Instruction: Why did the dentist make a poor date with the manicurist ### Response:

Mrs. Smith: Help me doctor! My son John swallowed the can opener! Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright. Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans

! The toast is getting cold!

### Instruction: Mrs. Smith: Help me doctor! My son John swallowed the can opener! Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright. Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans ### Response:

How does a blonde high-5?

She smacks herself in the forehead.

### Instruction: How does a blonde high-5? ### Response:

Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo

They wanted 4 clean walls to spray paint.

### Instruction: Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo ### Response:

What do you get if you cross an insect and a dance

A cricket ball

### Instruction: What do you get if you cross an insect and a dance ### Response:

Where does King Kong sleep

Anywhere he wants to.

### Instruction: Where does King Kong sleep ### Response:

What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?

They both wriggle when you eat them.

### Instruction: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common? ### Response:

We have women in the military but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say 'You see the enemy over there

They say you look fat in those uniforms.

### Instruction: We have women in the military but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say 'You see the enemy over there ### Response:

Why did the pig have ink all over his face

Because it came out of the pen.

### Instruction: Why did the pig have ink all over his face ### Response:

Knock Knock Who's there ! Bean ! Bean who

Bean working very hard today

### Instruction: Knock Knock Who's there ! Bean ! Bean who ### Response:

What is a ghost favorite fruit

Boonanaa

### Instruction: What is a ghost favorite fruit ### Response:

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road

A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.

### Instruction: Q. Why did the chicken cross the road ### Response:

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?

Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.

### Instruction: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin? ### Response:

Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?

Because if something happens to her Bill becomes President!

### Instruction: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely? ### Response:

What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?

Sweet fuck all.

### Instruction: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head? ### Response:

How do you get the most apples at Halloween

Take a snorkel.

### Instruction: How do you get the most apples at Halloween ### Response:

What do you get from an invisible cow

Evaporated milk!

### Instruction: What do you get from an invisible cow ### Response:

Customer: Why did you take off so much hair

Barber: I didn't nature beat me to it.

### Instruction: Customer: Why did you take off so much hair ### Response:

When you catch your dog eating a dictionary what should you do

Take the words right out of his mouth.

### Instruction: When you catch your dog eating a dictionary what should you do ### Response:

What did the snake say when offered a piece of cheese

Thanks I'll just have a sliver

### Instruction: What did the snake say when offered a piece of cheese ### Response:

What do you call a man with a kilt over his head

Scott

### Instruction: What do you call a man with a kilt over his head ### Response:

When is an English teacher like a judge

When she hands out long sentences.

### Instruction: When is an English teacher like a judge ### Response:

How do you protect a valuable instrument?

Hide it in an accordion case.

### Instruction: How do you protect a valuable instrument? ### Response:

What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit

The first herd shot round the world!

### Instruction: What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit ### Response:

Which aardvark holds the speed record

The nearsighted aardvark who wrapped his tongue around a motorcycle!

### Instruction: Which aardvark holds the speed record ### Response:

What tea do footballers drink

Penaltea!

### Instruction: What tea do footballers drink ### Response:

What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl

I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!

### Instruction: What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl ### Response:

What magazine makes cows stampede to the newsstand

Cows-mopolitan!

### Instruction: What magazine makes cows stampede to the newsstand ### Response:

Q. Where do tired linedancers go for Breakfast

A. Ihop

### Instruction: Q. Where do tired linedancers go for Breakfast ### Response:

What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?

She said they were pretty good but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.

### Instruction: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes? ### Response:

Who is the Lone Aardvark's faithful Indian companion

Tanto

### Instruction: Who is the Lone Aardvark's faithful Indian companion ### Response:

What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot

A bite in shining armor.

### Instruction: What do you get if you cross Dracula with Sir Lancelot ### Response:

One evening a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees. 'What are you doing

she asked. 'I'm looking for my dollar bill' Max replied. 'I lost it down the road.' 'Why don't you look for it there

### Instruction: One evening a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees. 'What are you doing ### Response:

Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas

They were empty.

### Instruction: Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas ### Response:

Splendid! Thanks for asking how I'm doing. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, you know. How

Well, you have to take careful aim. While we're on the topic of fruit, can you tell me three distinct ways to eat a banana

### Instruction: Splendid! Thanks for asking how I'm doing. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, you know. How ### Response:

When is a lion not a lion

When he turns into his cage

### Instruction: When is a lion not a lion ### Response:

What did one keyboard say to the other keyboard

Sorry you're not my type.

### Instruction: What did one keyboard say to the other keyboard ### Response:

What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls

Reptiles

### Instruction: What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls ### Response:

What does Santa call his wife at tax time?

A dependent Claus.

### Instruction: What does Santa call his wife at tax time? ### Response:

Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went

It finally dawned on her.

### Instruction: Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ### Response:

What is small furry and smells like bacon

A hamster.

### Instruction: What is small furry and smells like bacon ### Response:

What do you get when you cross a pig with a billy goat

A crashing bore.

### Instruction: What do you get when you cross a pig with a billy goat ### Response:

Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good but where is the wagon

Pupil: The horse will draw it

### Instruction: Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good but where is the wagon ### Response:

Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers

A. So they can find their way back to the house.

### Instruction: Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers ### Response:

What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat

An aardvark with the sniffles!

### Instruction: What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat ### Response:

Did you know pillows have their own website

Really

### Instruction: Did you know pillows have their own website ### Response:

How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?

Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.

### Instruction: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike? ### Response:

Bill Hillary and Al are in a boat. The boat sinks. Who is saved?

The United States of America.

### Instruction: Bill Hillary and Al are in a boat. The boat sinks. Who is saved? ### Response:

What did the little kid do with the dead battery

He buried it.

### Instruction: What did the little kid do with the dead battery ### Response:

What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy

Oh no not snake and pygmy pie again!

### Instruction: What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy ### Response:

What do you get if you cross a ghost and a newsreader

A spooksman

### Instruction: What do you get if you cross a ghost and a newsreader ### Response:

Patron: Waiter why is there a spider in my glass

Waiter: It scares away the flies.

### Instruction: Patron: Waiter why is there a spider in my glass ### Response:

Why does an actor enjoy his work so much

Because it's all play.

### Instruction: Why does an actor enjoy his work so much ### Response:

What is the feeling that you've smelled a certain skunk before

Deja phew!

### Instruction: What is the feeling that you've smelled a certain skunk before ### Response:

At what time do most people go to the dentist

At tooth-hurty (2:30).

### Instruction: At what time do most people go to the dentist ### Response:

What directions did the ghost give the goblin?

"Make a fright turn at the corner.",

### Instruction: What directions did the ghost give the goblin? ### Response:

Does the Easter Bunny like baseball

Oh yes. He's a rabbit fan!

### Instruction: Does the Easter Bunny like baseball ### Response:

When do vampires bite you

On Wincedays.

### Instruction: When do vampires bite you ### Response:

Why do hens lay eggs?

If they dropped them they'd break

### Instruction: Why do hens lay eggs? ### Response:

Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it

Hire yourself out for Halloween parties!

### Instruction: Doctor Doctor I'm so ugly what can I do about it ### Response:

What is an elf's favourite kind of birthday cake

Shortcake!

### Instruction: What is an elf's favourite kind of birthday cake ### Response:

How did the witch almost lose her baby

She didn't take it far enough into the woods.

### Instruction: How did the witch almost lose her baby ### Response:

Why is a toothless dog like a tree

It has more bark than bite.

### Instruction: Why is a toothless dog like a tree ### Response:

What fish make the best sandwich

A peanut butter and jellyfish

### Instruction: What fish make the best sandwich ### Response:

Waiter what's this fly doing in my soup

It's fly soup sir!

### Instruction: Waiter what's this fly doing in my soup ### Response:

Why did the monster dye her hair yellow

To see if blondes have more fun.

### Instruction: Why did the monster dye her hair yellow ### Response:

What do you call an amorous insect

The love bug.

### Instruction: What do you call an amorous insect ### Response:

Knock Knock Who's there ! Bitter Bianca ! Bitter Bianca who

Bitter Bianca next train out of here pardner

### Instruction: Knock Knock Who's there ! Bitter Bianca ! Bitter Bianca who ### Response:

What kind of ears do trains have

Engineers (engine ears).

### Instruction: What kind of ears do trains have ### Response:

Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking

Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor

### Instruction: Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking ### Response:

Mother: Does your teacher like you

Son: Like me she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test paper

### Instruction: Mother: Does your teacher like you ### Response:

What did the sausage say when it couldn't log on to the Internet

If at first you don't succeed Fry Fry again

### Instruction: What did the sausage say when it couldn't log on to the Internet ### Response:

Why do vampires hate arguments

Because they make themselves cross.

### Instruction: Why do vampires hate arguments ### Response:

Knock Knock Who's there

Cliff Cliff who

### Instruction: Knock Knock Who's there ### Response:

Why couldn't the skeleton pay his bus fare

Because he was skint.

### Instruction: Why couldn't the skeleton pay his bus fare ### Response:

Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads

Because they're headcases.

### Instruction: Why do cannibals make suitcases out of people's heads ### Response:

How do mice celebrate when they move home

With a mouse warming party

### Instruction: How do mice celebrate when they move home ### Response:

Knock Knock Who's there ! Cabot ! Cabot who

Cabotret

### Instruction: Knock Knock Who's there ! Cabot ! Cabot who ### Response:

Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?

Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

### Instruction: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses? ### Response:

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom

A. Three if you slice them very thinly.

### Instruction: Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom ### Response: