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memegen_jokes_1217

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Someone told me the unit of power was Joules.

I was like Watt?

### Instruction: Someone told me the unit of power was Joules. ### Response:

I asked my dog "what's seven minus seven?"

He said nothing.

### Instruction: I asked my dog "what's seven minus seven?" ### Response:

What do dyslexic Zombies eat?

Brians

### Instruction: What do dyslexic Zombies eat? ### Response:

What did the drummer name his daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4

### Instruction: What did the drummer name his daughters? ### Response:

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.

Now I have Heinzsight.

### Instruction: I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. ### Response:

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters?

Short.

### Instruction: What word becomes shorter when you add two letters? ### Response:

My wife is furious at our neighbor who sunbathes naked in her backyard.

Personally, I'm on the fence

### Instruction: My wife is furious at our neighbor who sunbathes naked in her backyard. ### Response:

What did the coffee say when it got to the police station?

Help I have been mugged!

### Instruction: What did the coffee say when it got to the police station? ### Response:

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage

Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

### Instruction: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage ### Response:

How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?

None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.

### Instruction: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb? ### Response:

Would you like a duck egg for supper

Only if you quack it for me.

### Instruction: Would you like a duck egg for supper ### Response:

Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN?

Because she didn't know which one came first!

### Instruction: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? ### Response:

Where is the best place to buy computer software

Washington C.D

### Instruction: Where is the best place to buy computer software ### Response:

What do you call a Polish aardvark

A Polaark!

### Instruction: What do you call a Polish aardvark ### Response:

What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had

The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had

### Instruction: What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had ### Response:

What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire

Dracowla!

### Instruction: What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire ### Response:

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red

So he could hide in the cherry tree

### Instruction: Why did the elephant paint his toenails red ### Response:

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you

Pull the pin and throw it back!

### Instruction: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you ### Response:

Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats

They might be cheetahs!

### Instruction: Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats ### Response:

Q. What do you call 1000 heavily armed lesbians

A. Militia Etheridge

### Instruction: Q. What do you call 1000 heavily armed lesbians ### Response:

Why was the racehorse names Strawberry Ice

He was a sherbet!

### Instruction: Why was the racehorse names Strawberry Ice ### Response:

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said 'Come on buddy how about giving a guy a break

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

### Instruction: I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said 'Come on buddy how about giving a guy a break ### Response:

Why didn't Noah go fishing?

He only had two worms!

### Instruction: Why didn't Noah go fishing? ### Response:

How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Huh? The light's out?

### Instruction: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? ### Response:

What did Dr Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog

I don't know but it is great at chasing submarines.

### Instruction: What did Dr Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog ### Response:

How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

### Instruction: How do you embarrass an archeologist? ### Response:

Why did the chicken cross the road in Missouri

To show the opossum it could be done.

### Instruction: Why did the chicken cross the road in Missouri ### Response:

Why did the python do national service

He was coiled up

### Instruction: Why did the python do national service ### Response:

First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that's vanity

Second girl: No it's imagination.

### Instruction: First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror admiring my beauty. Do you think that's vanity ### Response:

What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on?

Anything you want. He can't hear you.

### Instruction: What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? ### Response:

Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson

Because he'd already done the sharps and flats.

### Instruction: Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson ### Response:

How do dolphins send messages

By sea-mail.

### Instruction: How do dolphins send messages ### Response:

What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?

An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

### Instruction: What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun? ### Response:

How did the calf's final exam turn out

Grade A!

### Instruction: How did the calf's final exam turn out ### Response:

Knock Knock Who's there

Cologne Cologne who

### Instruction: Knock Knock Who's there ### Response:

Q. How do you confuse a blonde

A. Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner.

### Instruction: Q. How do you confuse a blonde ### Response:

What would you get if you crossed a cow with a rabbit

Hare in your milk!

### Instruction: What would you get if you crossed a cow with a rabbit ### Response:

How can you make a basset hound fast

Take away its food!

### Instruction: How can you make a basset hound fast ### Response:

Who doesn't like to sit in front of the fire

A Snowman.

### Instruction: Who doesn't like to sit in front of the fire ### Response:

Why did the Ape jump off the building

He wanted to show the world the stuff he was made of!

### Instruction: Why did the Ape jump off the building ### Response:

Did you hear about the ghoul's favorite hotel

It had running rot and mould in every room.

### Instruction: Did you hear about the ghoul's favorite hotel ### Response:

Karen: Have you noticed that Daddy is getting taller

Sharon: No why

### Instruction: Karen: Have you noticed that Daddy is getting taller ### Response:

How old were you on your last birthday

Eight. And how old will you be on your next birthday

### Instruction: How old were you on your last birthday ### Response:

What are hurricanes with a central dense overcast over the eye called

-Hurricanes with cataracts

### Instruction: What are hurricanes with a central dense overcast over the eye called ### Response:

What do dogs have that no other animal has

Puppy dogs

### Instruction: What do dogs have that no other animal has ### Response:

Did you hear about the vampire who had an eye for the ladies

He used to keep it in his back pocket.

### Instruction: Did you hear about the vampire who had an eye for the ladies ### Response:

What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?

A dope ring.

### Instruction: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? ### Response:

How do nuns surf the web

On the Hymnternet.

### Instruction: How do nuns surf the web ### Response:

What do you call a cow that plays the guitar

A Moosician!

### Instruction: What do you call a cow that plays the guitar ### Response:

Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?

Put Janet Reno in charge.

### Instruction: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours? ### Response:

What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment

A flat fish

### Instruction: What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment ### Response:

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer

A Doberman.

### Instruction: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer ### Response:

How can you tell if a parrot is intelligent

It speaks in Polly-syllables!

### Instruction: How can you tell if a parrot is intelligent ### Response:

What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the other

I didn't know we lived on the same block.

### Instruction: What did one of Frankenstein's ears say to the other ### Response:

Why did the horseman put a saddle on a large loaf of bread

It was a crusty steed!

### Instruction: Why did the horseman put a saddle on a large loaf of bread ### Response:

How does an octopus go to war

Well-armed

### Instruction: How does an octopus go to war ### Response:

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups

A. Put the remote control between his toes.

### Instruction: Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups ### Response:

What has 6 legs bits and talks in code

A morese-quito

### Instruction: What has 6 legs bits and talks in code ### Response:

Producer: Would you call your leading lady ugly

Director: Let's just say she'd look better on radio than on TV.

### Instruction: Producer: Would you call your leading lady ugly ### Response:

Four Dallas Cowboys in a car who's driving?

The police.

### Instruction: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car who's driving? ### Response:

Why did the monster stop playing with his brother

He got tired of kicking him around.

### Instruction: Why did the monster stop playing with his brother ### Response:

Teacher: What's a robin

Fred: A bird that steals ma'am.

### Instruction: Teacher: What's a robin ### Response:

When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?

When he married outside of his family.

### Instruction: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions? ### Response:

Why was the cat afraid of the tree

Because of the tree bark.

### Instruction: Why was the cat afraid of the tree ### Response:

What did one mosquito say to another when they came out of the cinema

Fancy a bite

### Instruction: What did one mosquito say to another when they came out of the cinema ### Response:

What did the spider say to the bee

Your honey or your life

### Instruction: What did the spider say to the bee ### Response:

What do you call a blind German?

A Not See (Nazi)

### Instruction: What do you call a blind German? ### Response:

If you take half from a half dollar what do you have

A dollar.

### Instruction: If you take half from a half dollar what do you have ### Response:

What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game

Sorry it was a freak hic!

### Instruction: What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game ### Response:

What did the dentist say to the computer

...This won't hurt a byte

### Instruction: What did the dentist say to the computer ### Response:

What does a proud computer call his little son?

A microchip off the old block.

### Instruction: What does a proud computer call his little son? ### Response:

Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex

Oral sex makes your day anal sex makes your hole weak.

### Instruction: Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex ### Response:

Teacher: If I gave you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow how many rabbits would you have

Jackie: Nine. Teacher: That's not right you'd have eight. Jackie: No Teacher I'd have nine. I already have one rabbit at home!

### Instruction: Teacher: If I gave you three rabbits today and five rabbits tomorrow how many rabbits would you have ### Response:

What surfs the Internet and goes 'Choo Choo

Thomas the Search Engine.

### Instruction: What surfs the Internet and goes 'Choo Choo ### Response:

What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor

Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go

### Instruction: What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor ### Response:

What do you use to cut the ocean

A seasaw

### Instruction: What do you use to cut the ocean ### Response:

What did the werewolf write at the bottom of the letter

Best vicious . . .

### Instruction: What did the werewolf write at the bottom of the letter ### Response:

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence

Divorced.

### Instruction: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence ### Response:

Knock Knock Who's there ! Anthea ! Anthea who

Anthea get home by 8 O'clock or else

### Instruction: Knock Knock Who's there ! Anthea ! Anthea who ### Response:

What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell

Addercadabra and abradacobra.

### Instruction: What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell ### Response:

Detective: Do you think I should put on the cuffs

Criminal: Why

### Instruction: Detective: Do you think I should put on the cuffs ### Response:

What does a cow like to do by a campfire

Roast Moosmallows!

### Instruction: What does a cow like to do by a campfire ### Response:

Why do all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis

Because it is below C level.

### Instruction: Why do all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis ### Response:

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear

Because he liked sole music!

### Instruction: Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear ### Response:

If King Kong came to England why would he live in the Tower of London

Because he's a beef-eater.

### Instruction: If King Kong came to England why would he live in the Tower of London ### Response:

What has eighteen legs and fetches a ball

The Philadelphia Beagles!

### Instruction: What has eighteen legs and fetches a ball ### Response:

Whats the difference between your wife and your job

After 10 years the job still sucks.

### Instruction: Whats the difference between your wife and your job ### Response:

What do you get if you cross a giant ship with the Internet

The Site-anic.

### Instruction: What do you get if you cross a giant ship with the Internet ### Response:

Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? -

So that they didn't have to bend down to pet it.

### Instruction: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? - ### Response:

What do you get if you cross a snake and a hotdog

A fangfurtersna

### Instruction: What do you get if you cross a snake and a hotdog ### Response:

Mother: Did you enjoy the school outing dear

Jane: Yes and we're going again tomorrow. Mother: Really

### Instruction: Mother: Did you enjoy the school outing dear ### Response:

QUESTION: Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the sid every night when he goes to sleep

ANSWER: Because he's afraid someone would look through the keyhole.

### Instruction: QUESTION: Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the sid every night when he goes to sleep ### Response:

What kind of money do snowmen use

Iced lolly.

### Instruction: What kind of money do snowmen use ### Response:

How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon

Melon-collie

### Instruction: How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon ### Response:

What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?

They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

### Instruction: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? ### Response:

Have you heard about the elephant that went on a crash diet

He wrecked three cars a bus and two fire engines

### Instruction: Have you heard about the elephant that went on a crash diet ### Response:

Waiter waiter does the pianist play requests

Yes sir. Then ask him to play tiddlywinks until I've finished my meal.

### Instruction: Waiter waiter does the pianist play requests ### Response:

What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg

The bombshell

### Instruction: What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg ### Response:

Why is a sofa like a roast chicken

Because they're both full of stuffing

### Instruction: Why is a sofa like a roast chicken ### Response:

Why do waiters like Gorillas better than flies

Did you ever hear a customer complain 'Waiter there's a Gorilla in my soup!

### Instruction: Why do waiters like Gorillas better than flies ### Response: