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T3HK4T: TIFU: Forgot to take off my pants when using the crapper. (All Happened Yesterday) I woke up, feeling sorta sick, but it wasn't terrible, so i sucked it up. As a Sub. at a middle school today (The High School I normally work in was closed, another story) I went out the door, and started driving. When I got to the school, I was about 7 minutes late, not a big deal, so I progressed through the day, until 3rd period (6 periods in a day, excluding lunch) in which I had to take a BAS (Big-Ass-Shit) I couldn't go until the period was over (18 minutes) so I just gave the kids their work, and did what I was supposed to, trying to avoid moving much. When the class finally ended, I ran to the bathroom, and sat on the toilet, Forgetting to pull down my pants. It was BAAAAADDD. So I took my pants & underwear off (Luckily for me, i was in the handicapped stall) and washed it, and attempted to dry it, which didn't go so well. Had to continue the day for 3 more hours with wet underwear, got home, changed, threw the old ones away. TL;DR: Had to poop, had to wait to poop, pooped; with pants still on, Cleaned It Up, Continued Day (If anyone has any questions, I'll answer the best I can.) fuckedmentality: Fucking epic! I've almost been in your same shoes but I got my pants off and sat down fast and sat on my balls :-( T3HK4T: ಠ\_ಠ Are you still alive after that? fuckedmentality: I am still alive but im no longer a man.

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[deleted]: TIFU: Opened loud porn on my computer with my boss sitting next to me. First thing, I opened my laptop while sitting next to my boss to find porn still loudly playing from the night before and I couldn't stop it. It kept going after I slammed my laptop shut. Also, I'm a woman and my boss is a man if that adds any more layers of awkward. So, yay! Stinkfist94: What was his reaction? fiveifrenzy6: We need to know this! (And don't you dare fucking say for science. I swear to god!) evolon: For science! fiveifrenzy6: [you mother fucker](http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/jezebel/2010/10/ohnoyoudidnt.gif) evolon: [umad?](http://chzgifs.files.wordpress.com/2011/07/drinking-with-rage-faces.gif)

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Killasasparilla: TIFU: Drove shitfaced, rolled out of a girl I was having sex with to paint her bathroom walls in vomit. Last night I decided it'd be a good idea to drink some Sailor Jerry's. It was... for the first hour. After however many drinks I was invited over to my friend's apartment for sexy time. I barely remember driving there. Somehow I made it to her apartment without killing myself or anyone on the road, and stumbled up into her room. We started kissing and getting our sexytime on. As we're going doggystyle I get the feeling that I need to puke so, I roll from penis inside of her to the floor of her room and crawl my naked ass to her bathroom. I remember throwing up in the toilet then washing my face and walking nakedly passed her roommates room back to the room I was in so that my friend could dress me while I babbled on about how sorry I was. This morning I was awoken to find that A. I did indeed drive drunk B. I did indeed throw up in the toilet, and on the toilet, and the floor, and the sink, and the mirror, and the wall C. Her roommate was awake and aware of what was going on. Dear God, I have made an ass of myself but on the brightside, her roommate greeted me this morning with "Nice Penis". TheDemonClown: Why does everyone act like driving drunk automatically leads to death? Driving drunk isn't really that much of a risk when your friends aren't fuck-ups and who have a 100% realistic, honest grasp of their own capabilities. [deleted]: I agree, but I honestly should not have been driving. Not that I'm advocating buzzed driving or anything, but I was beyond shitfaced. TheDemonClown: If you didn't kill or hurt anyone, what's the problem? I just don't get why everybody automatically labels people who drive drunk, regardless of the outcome, as an asshole. "But he/she could have--" BUT THEY FUCKING DIDN'T. GET OVER IT. Gayrub: Yeah, so what if I ran around outside with a blindfold on shooting a gun. I didn't hit anyone! Get off my back! TheDemonClown: First of all, it's a flawed metaphor - you're impaired while drinking, not completely deprived of one of your 5 senses. It's like playing soccer with leg braces - hard to do, not perfect, but not impossible if you know your capabilities. As for the terms of said metaphor: if you don't hurt someone, fine. I'd probably be laughing at your dumb ass. But the second you injure someone, especially my loved ones, I'll fuck you up beyond repair. Simple, no? :D Gayrub: Putting everyone's well being at risk is what makes you an asshole. Not hurting anyone doesn't change that. It just makes us all lucky. TheDemonClown: We're at risk from construction workers, pilots, other (sober) drivers, pedestrians, office workers, cooks and thousands of other people all around us every single day. Your point? Gayrub: Lol. You had me going there for a little bit. TheDemonClown: Now you're just being condescending & not doing a very good job of it. I was being serious. We're at risk every minute of every day from accidents and purposeful actions alike. Someone getting drunk & then driving home is fine with me, so long as nobody gets hurt. If they hurt someone, throw the book at them. If not, who cares? Also, let's play another bit of devil's advocate here: I walk a lot (10-20 miles a night sometimes) and have lived in a lot of unsafe areas (blind turns, no street lights, no sidewalks, etc.). I've come close to being taken out by drunk & sober drivers alike hundreds of times. You know what I did? I GOT THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY. Unless you're a completely unobservant fucktard, it's not all that difficult to spot an oncoming car. So unless you're deaf, blind or crippled, you have no excuse for not dodging a vehicle that you can see and/or hear coming from hundreds of feet away. Gayrub: Sorry, I thought you were trolling me. Now I'm not sure if you are or not. TheDemonClown: I'm not. Gayrub: then I think you're really trying to justify a needless risk. I think working construction, being a pilot, driving sober, being a pedestrian, working in an office, being a cook are all justifiable risks that put others in a acceptable amount of danger. I think driving drunk is an unjustifiable risk that puts others in an unacceptable amount of danger. TheDemonClown: Putting people in harm's way, period, sucks. Whether something is justifiable or not is really subjective, anyway. Example: say a guy puts a kid in a wheelchair for life because he was driving 100 mph over the speed limit in an attempt to get his wife to the hospital when she started going into labor. Is that guy crippling another human being somehow more okay than if the kid had been crippled by a drunk driver? I submit that it fuckin' ain't. Bottom line? If you hurt someone, fuck you - you should have the book thrown at you. If you don't hurt anyone, then you don't deserve to get called a piece of shit by randoms online, whether it was by chance that you didn't kill someone or not, simply for having done something they consider to be questionable. Honestly? I consider OP more of an asshole for not having good aim with his puke than for driving drunk. Gayrub: I should mention that I've driven when I probably shouldn't have. A lot of good people I know have done it. I couple really wonderful people that I know have actually gotten DWIs. These are people that I respect and are generally very smart. They just screwed up. Everyone that I know that admits to driving after they've had too much to drink says that it was a mistake and they got lucky. I don't think we should crucify people for messing up now and then especially if they learn from their mistakes. But if you don't learn from the mistake of driving drunk and realize that it's luck that got you to your destination without hurting anyone and not your skills then you're just going to keep doing it until you hurt yourself or someone else.  TheDemonClown: Why does everyone think it's so impossible to be able to analyze your reflexes & speed when drunk & compensate accordingly? I've seen it done dozens of times. You're right, though - don't crucify people just because they fuck up once or twice & learn from it. However, I consider that a separate lesson. Gayrub: I'm betting it has to do with the high rate of drunk driving accidents. TheDemonClown: All we ever hear are about the accidents. There's no accurate data on how many people drive drunk & DON'T have accidents. For all we know, drunk driving accidents could be a rarity. I'm not saying that everyone should drink before they drive all the time. However, this is a point of view I think needs to be considered. Rather than just "OMG YOU DROVE DRUNK AND NOBODY GOT HURT? YOU HORRID PIECE OF SHIT!" Gayrub: I would say that almost certainly most of the time nothing bad happens when people drive drunk. Does that make it an acceptable risk? I don't think so. If people only end up hurting someone else 5% of the time you'd still be a douche bag for taking that needless risk. Since I've already said I've driven after too many, yes, that makes me a douche bag. We all are sometimes. The important thing is to learn from our mistakes and try to do better next time.

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wenttotexas: TIFU. Opened my laptop to show a potential date a website. LiveJasmin was open. ta1901: What is LiveJasmin? sdoorex: It's an adult video chat site that always pops up when going to certain websites, *or so I am told...* dmuns: Yes, yes... I... Uhhh... Have been told this as well. Esteam: I AM A MALE AND I HAVE NEVER EVER, VISITED A WEBSITE RELATING TO PORNOGRAPHY. **NOR HAVE I EVER MASTURBATED!** EffingTank: I am a male and I have regularly masturbated since I was 10. I recently decided to quit. I am currently 10 days into the /r/NoFap 90 day challenge.

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ta1901: TIFU: I ate a bunch of popcorn, fainted, and fell over in my chair...at work I was working at an office in a suit and tie. I like popcorn. I like to eat big handfuls of popcorn at work. As I was doing this, some got stuck in my throat. So I'm desperately trying to swallow, when I lean back, and black out mostly. I fall over backwards in my chair and "wake up" choking and gasping for air. The people next to me look at my like I'm nuts. Later on I learn there is a vein running close to the esophagus. If you eat a large something, the food chute can expand, this vein can get blocked and you can faint. Also at work: I was cutting into a case of Pepsi with my pocket knife as the rip-offs don't work. I cut right through a can and it sprays all over under my desk. The director sees me wet, looking for paper towels, chuckles and says "Are we having fun yet?" sigma_noise: You sound like a blast to work with... "Did you hear what ta1901 did *today*?!" ta1901: lol. Actually I am fun to work with, but I don't usually make mistakes like this. Had no idea I could faint from stuffing my face with food, nor did I know I could cut a soda can with a dull pocket knife. Who woulda thunk?

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[deleted]: TIFU: Stirred up an epic shitstorm on Reddit without checking the facts. http://www.reddit.com/r/SubredditDrama/comments/s5cwt/mensrights_suicide_post_was_real_reddit/ mikemcg: To be fair, there wasn't any way to check any of the facts and you presented SRD with literally as much as possible. You can't be faulted for saying "was" instead of saying "might be" when you felt like there was no reason to say otherwise. Lothrazar: So, if theres no way to check the facts, why go on the offense like this? mikemcg: What do you mean? octatone: I think he means, why claim proof when there is none. mikemcg: tad never claimed to have proof. [deleted]: I kinda did.

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throwmeaway1253: TIFU: I told a friend of mine I had browsed through her reddit history. She saw it as creepy and stalker-y which I understand, but I tried to explain that I didn't do it with those intentions and just wanted to understand more about her. I said I wouldn't have even told her if I wanted to "stalk" her, I only wanted her to know I sympathized with her about certain things that she poured her heart out on reddit about. But she was too angry to listen. She said we should stop talking to each other altogether and later I found out she blocked me on Facebook and she's not answering my calls or texts either. I am begging her to give me a chance to explain but she won't have anything to do with me right now. Her friendship means the world to me and I can't bear the thought of losing it, what should I do? Connador: >I told a friend of mine I had browsed through her reddit history. Slip #1 >I tried to explain that I didn't do it with those intentions and **just wanted to understand more about her.** Slip #2, you do that by talking with them. If they're comfortable enough with you, they'll be open. >I said I wouldn't have even told her if I wanted to "stalk" her Slip #3, just comes across as creepy >I only wanted her to know I sympathized with her about certain things that she poured her heart out on reddit about. The key word is "on reddit", I'm a lot more open about subjects on the internet as opposed to in person, as are many people. Just back off and let it simmer down, if it does simmer down. Personally on my account I wouldn't care too much if someone creeped me, but I don't usually pour my heart out. throwmeaway1253: Thanks for the advice. The thing is she's been very distant with me lately and unwilling to share her feelings. She also sometimes got annoyed and particularly sensitive to certain things I said and I couldn't understand why and she wouldn't tell me. Reading through some past comments, I now understand why she felt that way. I know it was the wrong thing to do since I see how upset she is now but she's important enough to me that I wanted to understand her emotionally. She's quite reserved in person in general so I guess I should've been sensitive to that too. I really did fuck things up with her and it's all I can think about right now... Connador: Put on some running shoes and go for a jog, it'll clear your head. Whenever I'm stressing about something it's what I do to calm down. I understand that it's cliche advice, but it really does help.

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[deleted]: TIFU: Accidentally sat on a boy's face, he hates me now. And my butt hurts. We were playing shark and minnows (we're 15, we only played today I swear) and someone pushed him down and I got pushed, resulting in my ass connecting with his face. He reported me to the principle for hacking a classmate's gmail account later that day and hates me. funkengruven88: It's high school, whatever, it'll be over in 2-3 years anyway, and no, it won't be put on your permanent record. gigitrix: Permanent Records do not, in fact, exist. It's a perpetuated lie by school administrators. funkengruven88: Yep. Scare tactics, always scare tactics... gigitrix: **BOO** funkengruven88: [:O](http://www.reactionface.info/sites/default/files/images/1314124706256.jpg)

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[deleted]: TIFU: Humiliated myself in front of entire highschool while performing on stage. Thinking I could improvise a dance solo because I forgot nearly the entire routine. I fucked up bad. The entire school was laughing at me and recorded it. It's probably all over Facebook. Scared to watch the video, stupidfuckhead: I wanna watch the video, link? doomfest: Heh I'm not really sure I want more people to watch that video. Sorry notnor: Good decision.

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stillconscious: TIFU Didn't eat food for a few days, got really high, passed out, shit my pants A few months ago I did a juice fast and it felt fantastic so on Monday I decided it was time to start another one. I'm trying to lose weight. I bought lots of fruits and vegetables to juice and have been mostly sitting around my house all week. Last time I juiced I drank 4-5 glasses of juice a day, but this time I kind of just didn't bother with it and I've only been doing 1-2 glasses. Woke up today not feeling very well and have had small intermittent bouts of diarrhea throughout the day. About an hour ago I decided I wanted to get high so I packed some really tasty shit up and got to about a [7]. About 10 minutes later I started feeling really weak and hungry so I decided to make some more juice. Stood up, walked to the kitchen, started getting veggies out of the fridge and then began feeling really lightheaded. It came on suddenly and over a few minutes got steadily worse and worse. I've passed out before so I know this feeling. I decided I better sit down and drink some water. I did that but it didn't help and the lightheadedness continued to escalate. I grabbed some almonds and ate a handful and while it felt great to eat, I still felt like I was about to pass out. I then started feeling really hot and sweaty and had to take my hoodie off. It was at this point that I could barely keep my eyes open and felt the need to lie down. I laid down on the floor just trying to take deep breaths and stay conscious. I'm not sure how long I was lying there but eventually I felt yet another liquid movement coming on in my bowels so I decided I had to get up and sit on the toilet. I did so and sat there spraying #3 into the bowl with my eyes shut, still on the cusp of unconsciousness. After a few minutes I felt a little better and opened my eyes. When I looked down at my pants and underwear I discovered that I had not quite made it to the toilet in time. Once I felt I could stand up, my first order of business was to scrub out my pants and underwear, then I rushed to the kitchen and ate some food. Now I'm laying on my couch and am starting to feel better. Whoops. rainbowhigh: Except for the shitting part, this happened to me 4 times last summer. Always when it was fairly hot/humid, and always when I was smoking. I didn't not eat, but I may not have had enough to eat. I'd start sweating and shaking and I'd pass out and apparently convulse a little for a couple seconds and then I'd be okay. A little weak and shaky but fine. Never figured out what really was the cause or how to avoid it. stillconscious: I think weed can cause your blood pressure to decrease by dilating blood vessels (that's why your eyes get red - dilated blood vessels in the eye.) Not eating, or not eating enough, can also cause low blood pressure. Those two things combined (I found this out the hard way) can cause enough of a drop in blood pressure to make you woozy, lightheaded, and possibly black out.

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[deleted]: TIFU bad: Creeped on my crush's facebook, accidentally liked a picture she took of her bf. I see her tomorrow. I want to die. throwmeaway1253: You know you can unlike it right? BlackPelican: Yes but the notification still appears UdderlyInsane: Wh.. What? [Really](http://i.imgur.com/ReYfd.gif)? Makes sense, but I usually told myself that I "unliked" quickly enough before said notification was sent.. Which I know doesn't make any sense.

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feelinweird: TIFU: kneecap guy says way too much to roommate of cute girl. I posted [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/rnpz0/tifu_fucked_up_my_kneecap_in_front_of_60_people/) about two weeks ago. This new story is not at all relevant but it hurts. I serendipitously met the roommate of the girl I secretly adore and drunkenly divulged more-than-necessary information about my infatuation with her. Keep in mind I know nothing about either of them apart from the fact that cute-girl is a screen printer (an art after my own heart). Not to mention I left a fat message on roommate's answering machine about how she should not divulge said information to cute-girl. Guessing that the room-mate knows cute-girl much better than she knows me, she will spill ALL OF IT to cutie, making it awkward for me cos I serve her coffee every other morning. Brutal, sorry if you read all of this. **TLDR**: TMI to roommate of cute-girl I want to get to know more. SirCharlesXavier: Before she has a chance to talk to you about it, make a move. Go on the offensive. Now is your best chance. Take her bowling or mini golfing or some stupid shit where you have fun together and can get to know her. PaulbunyanIND: THIS! SirCX is right. Grow some balls and aggressively pursue what you want in life. If things go well, win one! If they don't go well, you still win because then you'd have sack. PaulbunyanIND: Oh and, be a gentleman. A testosterone having gentleman who happens to want to fuck her silly, but an open and confidently honest gentleman. ATTACK! SirCharlesXavier: Yeah, testosterone will fuck you up if you let it take over... Watch a sad movie before hand to somewhat calm the beast... then fuck her silly.

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hypnofed: Is anyone else getting tired of the various "I shit my pants" TIFUs? So we seem to be getting QUITE a lot of these posts. Am I the only one who finds them repetitive and disgusting? What made me join this subreddit was the original thread and all the stories that boiled down to social fuck ups as well as the "milk on the shelf, cereal in the fridge" mistakes. Now if the "I shit myself" posts are something the community and/or admins want, then I'm fine with that and can without regrets unsubscribe. But I'd like to know, am I the only one who hates having to so see these TIFUs? canipaybycheck: We have a rule in the sidebar: "No unoriginal or ordinary posts." If the community feels that "shit myself" posts have become unoriginal, there are two things that can happen. First, you as a user can downvote these posts if you don't like them. Second, if this is not enough (even though the first part indicates more than a vocal minority feel this way), the mods can remove them. We don't try to shape the content in the sub more than we have to. If you don't like it, and if the community feels the way you do, those posts will be downvoted. One of the first ones that became "unoriginal" was the "I spent all day on reddit" posts. The difference is that shitting your pants is not a very ordinary event. A possible step (albeit unnecessary IMO) is the creation of a list of "unoriginal posts" that are removed immediately by the mods. Personally, I think that if the community doesn't like the posts, the posts will get downvoted, and there is no need for mod intervention with this. Jmcrash98: You do realize that eventually there will be redundant posts about just about any subject because there are only so many misfortunes people can go through canipaybycheck: Right, that's why we like when posts have detailed descriptions of the fuck-up, because no two situations are identical. We just try to steer clear of anything too ordinary, if that makes sense. We at TIFU believe that the fuck-ups that "people can go through" are unlimited.

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playingwithcrayons: [TIFU] Tried to sooth my sorrows with a bath with music and candles; managed to set fire to my favorite 10-yr-old pair of jeans which I have been wearing weekly because they remind me of my recently passed grandma (reposted cause I failed to put [TIFU] in the title first time round!) Was painfully tired and seriously beaten down by a really rough several months, decided to go all out with self-care: bath, candles, even moved speakers from bedroom to bathroom. While unplugging the speakers from my room to move them to the bathroom, needed to turn on the nearby standing-lamp light for a quick second in order to see the outlet. Saw my jeans hanging on the standing lamp, made mental note to just turn on standing lamp for a half second then make sure to turn it off. Didn't. Began running bath, lighting candles, smelled burning. Assumed surely some tragic candle incident since I rarely even light candles. Return to my room to find my FAVORITE pair of jeans (I own TWO pairs and both are from 10 years ago - they don't make em like this anymore ;( :( )... Also my grandma recently passed and I have a memory relating to these jeans and her which has been giving me weekly comfort to be reminded of when I wear them. Did I burn them on candles? No. I burned the SHIT out of these pants for leaving them on a freaking standing lamp and turning lamp on. I am an idiot. Also - I am so attached to these (and feeling idiotic for being so attached to a material thing especially in the scheme of things right now this seems so irrelevant in my life) - that I swear if it burned a leg off the jeans, I'd crudely sew a friggin pillow case onto the leg area and still wear them. BUT, what part of the pants did it burn? The CROTCH. The entire crotch is gone. I can't even pretend to know how to sew a crotch area back into jeans. I don't even care how shitty it looks, I'd do it and wear em if I knew how. So PS Anyone know how I could find someone to sew a crotch onto jeans? Or are there even places to trac [deleted]: Call some custom tailoring shops. (google will help you) It'll probably run you 40-80 USD. Suxs, but tailors (at least where I live) are expensive if you want a good job. Also, some dry cleaners perform alterations, and might put a new junk holder in you pants. **MY BEST ADVICE IS TO LOOK UP REVIEWS OF SHOPS.** I had to buy another special order 350 USD suit jacket cause some shop screwed it up. If you know any military, ROTC/JROTC, or something similar, they may know of a good place to get alterations. playingwithcrayons: Thanks for the advice! What do you think of the "denim therapy" one commenter suggested? I was thinking of looking into that...I'm not sure how that would compare price-wise to a tailor but it seems like it would be similar... [deleted]: Turning it into something like a purse? If you want. Maybe a backpack. Teddy bear. Dog bed. Something that just occured to me, instead of getting new denim, and patching said hole, the tailors could probaly take a tiny bit from each leg. It would avoid different fadedness. it would look better. Trust me. You could also frame them. It makes a great conversation piece.

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lessatms: TIFU: I quit something I loved and have thought of nothing but how I regret my decision. I'm a senior in highschool who grew up playing only rec baseball, none of that club or travel bullshit. My highschool is good at baseball despite being a predominantly lacrosse school. I tried out freshman year and, largely due to my former obesity, was cut. Fast forward 3 years and I am now a senior whose been on the team since sophomore year. I never started. I was always on the verge but never broke through (right fielder btw). I always pushed through the torment of sitting on the bench all year by telling myself "if I work hard enough and kiss ass enough, maybe I'll get my spot, especially senior year...". I went to every practice, every weight lift, every out-of-school hitting session, everything. Money and time were spent in this venture. And I got better. A hell of a to better. I went from being a fat little 5'4 kid to a 5'11 lean right fielder who could hold his own in the weight room and on the diamond. Even more than the gains I made physically, I grew to appreciate the friends I made. This year I put in even more work than ever. The first scrimmages came around and I didn't get the start, but got some at-bats in the final innings. The games came around, and still I didn't play. I only got into a game against an art magnet school whom we were beating 29-0...that was the last time ive played. The next time I expected to play was in a double header over Spring Break that meant absolutely nothing. It was essentially 2 scrimmages. Still, I did not play. To say Ive been pissed is analogous to saying the grand canyon is kind of big. I've spent the past 3 years sitting on a bench and working my ass off all seemingly for nothing. I blame it on my coach for being self-centered (kind of hypocritical I know) enough to care way too much about winning high school baseball games and for living vicariously through his favorite players. I blame it on on me for not making enough of an impact on my coach to play more. I blame it on a host of other things, but these two reasons stand out. 2 days ago, I went into my coaches office with my uniform to quit. I asked him if we cold talk and before the words finished coming out of my mouth, man points aside, I started to get emotional. It was the end of a part of my life, the death of a person almost, that person being Baseball. In our talk, one quote stuck with me that my coach said: "my old coach used to tell me, 'seniors who don't play aren't worth shit' but I don't try to make that my philosophy". .......gee coach thanks? After a long discussion he gave me another day to think about it. I came back two days after and said "I'm sticking with my gut" and quit. I did not want to rake the field for kids younger than me. I did not want to be the Only senior on the bench. I no longer wanted to tell people who asked me if we had won, or how I did in the game that I don't play. I was done with the wasted effort and the embarrassment being a bench senior brought me. It's been two days since I quit and all I can think about is how much I regret my decision. I miss the team. I miss the comradery. I miss having something to do. I miss baseball. By doing this, Part of me is asking for someone to comfort me in my decision and part of meiswarning those who are thinking of quitting something that they love: **THINK IT OVER FOR A LONG TIME AND IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, STICK IT OUT.** I may be only a highschool senior but I believe this decision, no matter how trivial it may seem to outsiders, will stick with me for years to come. gocereal: Are you going to college? You can start over there. I don't know much about how the tryout processes work, but you can try to be a walk-on or something. lessatms: I'm going to college but I never had intentions to play. If I did, I'd have to have started preparing long ago by playing on showcase teams. Not my thing. I keep telling myself it's only highschool baseball, maybe time will erase the regret...hopefully haha [deleted]: intramural

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BlueBallsMcGee: TIFU Corollary: Missed a casual sex opportunity, instead gained a casual sex partner, established through the phrase "sex kitten"... she was joking. NatecUDF: This requires more detail, especially considering the rather cryptic title. EffingTank: if he elaborates I will upvote.

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BlueBallsMcGee: TIFU when I completely missed a casual sex opportunity I was invited to a girl's house at a time when I would arrive at 9 PM... The word "boy toy" was later used. I'm a fucking idiot. [deleted]: I can beat you all. In college I walked a girl home, she invited me in, showed me around her apt. including her room. Then she told me that since it was fairly late and I lived on the other side of town, and I'd be taking the bus home, I could stay at her place. I took the bus home anyway. part way home I realized what I'd done. IDIOT! [deleted]: whoa-are you the nerdy/quite type? I think I would have done that back then, but now I've been trying to get into the game-be confident etc. [deleted]: I'm the quiet type - or used to be. But mostly I was just totally oblivious as it was happening, and then later it dawns on me... er.. wait a minute!! d'oh!

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[deleted]: [TIFU] Broken friendship, Rude awakening, Gonna get jumped, Another broken friendship, Accidental gas passing, A stomach ache and 10 bathroom trips later... I made a jokingly comment on someones status. I really screwed up there. 2 family members who have been friends for 30 years are no longer friends. After school, my mom picked me up. A truck failed at merging into another lane, and rammed my side and door when i was sleeping. Somehow got one person to be mad at me, now all his 9 friends are pissed off at me and wanna beat me up. I told the principal (wtf was i gonna do???) and his other friend which is my friend is pissed off also. In karate sparring, I blocked his kick, Landed in a jab, and a hook. Went for a side kick and ripped the loudest fart ever. I ate something wrong this morning, which ended up in about 5 bathroom trips and a terrible stomach ache. [EDIT] The title sounds like the names would be half life chapters. Thats because i played about 1 hour of half life. stoneyq2: You TOLD the principal?!?! What were you going to do? Anything but that. How about use those karate kid skills to beat down the beat downers? stoneyq2: or beat up the beat uppers

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[deleted]: [TIFU] I cockblocked a friend by making everyone depressed with my problems. So, as pathetic as this sounds, here we go. Lately I've been somewhat seeing this girl, we've had fun, she claimed she likes me etc etc etc... So today i realized things weren't as good as i suspected, so i went the pub with some friends, we watched a soccer match, and we had a generally good night, until i got drunk, at first it was fine, having a laugh etc. Then came the problems. i decided a Beer + vodka was a good idea, i downed the drink, and was fine... at first. Suffice to say i ended up too drunk ended up talking about everything i shouldn't have, i spoke about exes, tastes in women, fuck, i even spoke about gravity and how it's holding us all down... i fucked up guys. My friend needed this, and i messed it up. I love my friends with all my heart and think this may have screwed me over a bit. TL'DR: got drunk, fucked shit up. lonelylikeyou: I wouldnt consider this a fuck up. Its more like fun than anything. HINT: You're drunk so you are 10x likely to bring shit it that probably isnt cool but oh well. If I were you I wouldn't worry about. YOU ARE DRUNK. BogdanD: Being drunk doesn't excuse you from anything though. It was still a dick move. OP, just apologize to your friend, if they're a good friend they'll let this one slide.

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OrangeMonkeyee: Burned my arm canipaybycheck: Please read the sidebar before posting. "Start all posts with "TIFU" in the Title." OrangeMonkeyee: I guess I fucked up then hahaaaaaa

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man_of_porno: TIFU i drank half a bottle of NyQuil and threw up everywhere. unable to walk i slept in my vomit for 5 hours till my grandparents found me. crazyjc: You deserved it for drinking half a bottle of Nyquil. Jesus man, what made you do that? Pretty much any answer you give, i'm still going to call you a dumbass. man_of_porno: what if i told you there was an alien invasion and i had to drink there ships fuel so they couldn't make anymore of there food or air that is unnecessary for them to live. what if i also told you that the aliens used NyQuil as fuel, half a bottle to be exact. [deleted]: You could have just poured it out/boiled it/poured it into the ocean. man_of_porno: what if i told you i couldn't??? [deleted]: I'd call you a liar. Stop trying to get high from cough medicine. man_of_porno: i guess that's good advice but what if the aliens invade again?...what then? [deleted]: You won't think aliens are invading if you're not high.

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[deleted]: TIFU by telling the truth; drinking booze and smoking the reefer. I guess this is also a vent/rant/fuckitI'mtypingmyproblemsontheinternet. I'm 28 years old and I'm upset at myself. I admitted to my girlfriend tonight that I've been drinking when I said I wouldn't anymore to get her back. I was never violent when I drank mind you, but I would not care so much about others feelings which is why I enjoyed drinking by myself. I found it hard to piss myself off because I said something brutally honest. Her hamster died this morning and I was trying to be there for her by offering her to spend the night and to cook dinner for her (again for the millionth time). She rejected all attempts at me trying to be a knight except when she asked me to take care of the cage with the dead rodent inside. I made a proper casket out of a shoe-box and the hamsters favorite things (a ball and his hut) then took him to the animal shelter to be cremated. So after she said she didn't want to see me tonight, I bought myself a small (750ml) bottle of Evan Williams bourbon and had 3 shots over the span of 3 hours. Well, she heard a difference in my voice and kept pushing if I had been drinking and I admitted that I had. Then I admitted that when she wasn't here after a 6 day visit, which was the norm [6days with me, 1 without] I would have 2 beers or half a 40oz. She got pretty upset because I was keeping this from her and lied to her which I totally understand. I would be upset if I was lied to too. I think what irks me the most is that I can't smoke because of a bad run-in with the justice system so I have a few shots once a week for an oosa moment. I guess I'm an addict. If it's not smoking than it's drinking. I feel I have to do something to get that alternate reality feeling which afterward I usually draw or write to release my frustrations. Either way, I fucked up by making a promise I didn't keep. I don't really think I intended to keep the promise when I made it which is even worse. God I hate myself for it; making the promise and breaking it knowing I would. Part of me feels like I'm blessed to live in this country (U.S.) but I'm unlucky enough to be able to have a family cushion to support my coming of age. The other part of me feels like I had every oppurtunity to make an awesome me but fucked up every step of the way. No matter how you slice it, I feel like I got a shitty deal but should be grateful I have an $8.50/hr job breaking my back and $1300 worth of bills each month (excluding probation). To be honest, I feel like I'm a complete fuck up and a wasted oppurtunity. I joined the service out of high school because I felt I would fuck up college if I started early. I ended up going to college after I fucked up my life trying to make it as a mechanic, and fucked that up too. I almost have a degree but fucked that up. I want to blame it on stress from my roommate shooting himself and committing suicide to my new roommate who wanted to committ suicide, to dealing with getting kicked out of apartments because I have a criminal record then trying to get girl back and there are these bills to pay... OY! This is all just from the spring semester. I don't even know what the hell is going on anymore. So she told me I have to choose between the bottle and her. I instantly wanted to say "You babe! There is nothing better than being with you my love! I'll pour the bottle out right now and flush it all and never drink again!" I didn't say that though. I didn't say that because deep down I knew I really enjoyed my drink. Its never been an interference with my work and I do NOT drink and drive. I mainly drink some by myself and enjoy my own company with notepad open or my sketch pad/guitar. My drinking never got in the way of my life until I decided to be in love with this girl (who is 20 years old, still living with her mother). If I wasn't on probation, I would be smoking pot. I would have a bowl a night and draw/write daily. I feel that the booze or smoke puts my defenses at ease and I find it easier to allow my emotions to spill out so I can deal with them better. Maybe I'm an idiot and never learned how to properly deal with compounded stess in a healthy way. Tried exersice but it didn't work as well as a pencil in my hand. So reddit community I present to you my problem. I fucked myself by drinking and enjoying it. I really don't know what to do. I love her so much, but I also really love my intoxicants. She makes me feel like I can have a great relationship with another person; the drugs make me feel like I can have a great relationship with myself. I guess that's the end of my rant/vent. Thank you for reading. TL;DR I made a promise, broke it and don't know if I regret it or not. **Edit** Thank you all for the support and excellent advice. Upvotes around and thank yous are given. Talked to her a bit today and she is still upset, as I would be too, but willing to talk so I will listen and take some suggestions pointed out here. Thanks again. 10304: I only read the first half but from that she sounds like a bitch. I honestly don't know how people get by without weed & alcohol. As long as you're not hurting anyone else fuck the haters. flitterella: Dude, you'd really value self-medication over an honest and open relationship with someone who loves you? That's pretty sad, man. [deleted]: I don't see it as choosing a drug over someone else. I enjoy it, I feel it is a part of me. She knew that when starting the relationship. Now I will for sure admit that it got out of hand in the past and I went too far, but to say I have to give up a part of me for her is unfair. Like the above poster said (babaladonk), moderation is key. That golden middle road.

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Dyslexicmusic: TIFU by going too "trigger-happy" with cleaning my MacBook's hard drive and now it won't start up [deleted]: That's why windows has a folder called "Windows". It's pretty much a "DON'T FUCK AROUND IN HERE, YOU MORON". EDIT: NO SHIT YOU NIMRODS. IT'S CALLED A COMPARISON YOU STUPID FUCKS. Learfz: >In most English-speaking countries, Nimrod is used to describe a hunter or warrior, after the biblical character of Nimrod, who is described as "a mighty hunter". [deleted]: And warriors aren't exactly what I would call literate. Learfz: [Well, actually...](http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_a_warrior-poet)

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Timaeus_L: TIFU by nearly blinding myself trying to take my contacts out when I didn't wear them today. parasitic_spin: I do that at least once a week. I am an ass. Timaeus_L: How does it make you an ass? parasitic_spin: Because I think the repetition implies a deeper level of stupidity on my part :) Timaeus_L: You might be insane, expecting different results after doing the same thing over and over parasitic_spin: yes:-) Timaeus_L: I hope you don't mind that I tagged you as insane ass parasitic_spin: I am mostly just flattered! Timaeus_L: You're welcome :)

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[deleted]: TIFU with my breakfast First, I bit a banana. Without peeling it. Then, I made eggs- in my cereal. Then I put the milk in the cupboard and forgot about until about five minutes ago (ate breakfast at 5:30). [deleted]: You should NEVER smoke weed. [deleted]: i see what you did there jries: I'm holding you to your username. Chronophilia: The question is whether he's a machine that dispenses upvotes, or one that collects them. (Redditor for 24 days with less than 200 karma... I'm calling the former.) [deleted]: Hey man, karma isn't easy to come by. I've been a redditor for 25 days and I only have 90-something karma. :(

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web_weaver: TIFU: made of fun of someone who had lost her grandpa... I saw a friend of mine wearing glasses, which i didn't knew she needed...so I started making fun of her, in a friendly way...she tells me that if I only knew why she had them on I wouldn't be making jokes...so I try to be funny saying: "but I do know....its cause you cant see!" turns out her grandpa had died and because she had been crying she wasnt able to put the lenses on... I_Will_Allow_This: I once made several 'your mom' jokes to a friend before he told me his mom was dead. I know that feel bro. :( RetardVomitPussyCunt: Worse, i did the same to someone who's mother had been brutally murdered a few months back Thankfully we're good mates and he counteracted with his own your mum joke

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armaniac: TIFU: Left my dad's truck running in the parking lot for four hours. I don't get to borrow my dad's car often but this was a special occasion. I was going to the closing night of my play and I was allowed to take the truck up to my college campus instead of the bus. My dad has a [2001 GMC Yukon.](http://i453.photobucket.com/albums/qq255/imperio_norteno/ARNIES%20AUTO/DSC03056.jpg) Naturally, I was thrilled. I took the keys, headed out the door, and promised to put gas in the tank on the way back. Half an hour away and in a pretty shitty neighborhood, I got my ten minutes of stage time, waited around for three hours or so, helped tear down the set and repaint the stage, and headed outside to find my car still on. Suffice it to say most embarrassing walk of my life as I realized I'd left the keys in the car and the car running from 8PM to 12AM in the college parking lot(where it was not even authorized to be parked) and had the good fortune to have gotten only a cool story to tell on the internet rather than the loss of my family's only good car and other depressing things. edit: tyop, wrong number, my bad. Nightshade3312: Now: offer to change the oil along with pay for all of the gas. Idling cars for long periods of time has a similar effect to throwing the oil in a frying pan. It would be a nice gesture too haha. armaniac: Too true. Thanks for some good advice. TurboTorchPower: I wouldn't be too concerned. A few hours of ldling won't cook the oil. Just like a few hours of driving won't cook the oil. Nightshade3312: The effect is worse with diesel idling, with both diesel and gas since the engine wasn't getting worked it builds up carbon deposits, hot spots, and makes the cooling system work overtime to keep the engine from melting down. The oil touches the hot spots and absorbs a lot of heat energy, then carries it away to other parts of the engine, but oil doesn't have a direct source to take the heat energy away, like a radiator. There in lies the problem, four hours of cycling heat around the engine will wear the molecules and weaken them. The car could probably do its next scheduled oil change, but I wouldn't want to do that, its better to be safe than sorry especially with engines. [deleted]: Do you work at a Jiffy Lube type place, because you sound like. Molecules don't wear. I actually probably agree with you, but you sound like the dude who brings me my 1 week old air filter to show me the specs of dirt that mean it is clogged and I should buy a new one. :-/ Nightshade3312: You agree with me, so you insult me to tell me that? I don't see why there is a need to judge me. I've done my homework, if molecules didn't wear and burn (burning being the topic of interest in this situation), you would never need to change your oil. When people talk about oil "breaking down" that is a simplified form of what is really going on for the un-mechanically inclined. ["In the case of oil oxidation, the reaction results in the sequential addition of oxygen to the base oil molecules, to form a number of different chemicals species, including aldehydes, ketones, hydroperoxides and carboxylic acids. The rate at which base oil molecules react with oxygen depends on a number of factors. Perhaps the most critical is temperature..."](http://www.midtownoil.com/downloads/What%20Is%20Oxidation%20In%20Lubricating%20Oil.pdf) Oxidation along with the addition of contaminants to the oil from the engine is the reason why you need to change your oil, especially after idling for a long time (explained in my previous statements). You can take the contaminents out of the oil, but you would need to chemically alter the used oil to make it lubricate the same as if it was new. [deleted]: Molecules don't wear. They either are or they aren't. 9th grade chemistry. Yes, the long oil chains can be broken down, but they aren't worn at the molecular level, they are broken or not. Your terminology made you sound like the Jiffy Lube guys, which is my point. I agree that oil breaks down. You might even say that oil experiences wear, but that is as a whole, from molecular chains breaking, etc. If you're insulted it must be true? Nightshade3312: Hah, never said I was insulted, and no its not true, never worked in Jiffy Lube and I actually know what I'm talking about. Come to think of it we used to fix Jiffy Lubes screw ups at least 2 times a year. I just don't know why you felt that the insult was necessary. If anything you just nullified your own argument based on ad hominem.

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thejamesstage: TIFU by using a vending machine, my chips getting stuck, inserting another dollar to get them both, and then both getting stuck shadowq8: TAHT SHIT COULD DRIVE A MAN TO GO OVER edit a commentary on my comment: I never realized that I had caps lock on, I decided to leave it for a more dramatic effect and convinced myself that writing that as taht would give a more so called "angry commentor" effect. meta commentary on commentary: I just coined the so called angry commentor effect 10304: If it wasn't for your edit I wouldn't have downvoted you.

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[deleted]: TIFU: I asked a Canadian girl I had just met if Canadians celebrate Christmas. In my defense; I was in Vegas, I was extremely drunk, and it was 6am. She was really cute and pretty awesome to add on to the terribleness. TurboTex: Better than asking about July 4th.. I still can't understand why so many Americans think the rest of the world would celebrate their independence. ducttape36: did you not see te historical documentary independence day? if not for us, you'd all be alien meat. you're welcome. [deleted]: Correction: if it wasn't for *Will Smith*, the entire world would be alien meat. [deleted]: Actually if it wasnt for the guy that discovered how to bring down their shields. Im sure they couldve found another pilot if they really wanted, but you know what the difference between the other pilots and Will Smith is? he makes it look goood EbolaPie: If not for Apple Powerbooks...

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Illpackallama: TIFU, wife bought me a coconut that had gone bad. Story inside. My wife bought a coconut for me today. I was super excited, as I view coconut to be a great delicacy. As I was joyously preparing the coconut for consumption, I noticed that the base of it was surprisingly soft. Curious, I began to feel and push on it, when suddenly, a blast of murky, rancid water burst forth from the small hole which had suddenly opened under my finger,and drenched me with a foul smelling liquid. Stunned, I laughed and chalked it up to something about the weather and pressure systems changing. After shrugging it off, I poured the last of the juice from inside into a waiting cup, and brought it to my lips. The force of which the coconut water exploded from my mouth can only be likened to a water main blowing a valve, or a whale clearing its blowhole. As my excitement waned from its initial peak, I disgustedly flung my glass into the sink, causing a clatter, and at this point any normal person would have relinquished, but I was determined to press forward on my miserable journey to the bitter end. As an afterthought, bitter would have been a far less torturous ending. I proceeded to smash open the coconut with a frying pan, and upon peeling off the first chunk of husk, I was greeted with a sight of crisp, alabaster meat, and my excitement returned with a great, yet naive, vigor. I hastened to pry loose the delicate white morsels from the hard brown shell, with only the thought of deliciousness in mind. As I prepared to bite into the first delectable morsel, my common sense should have stopped me, but alas, it was too late. As I bit into the chunk of coconut meat, a thousand thoughts went through my mind, the first of which should have been pure ecstasy. Instead, the thought that my palate had been sent straight to hell raced through my mind. I coughed, and chunks of vomit, coconut meat, and whatever I had for lunch sprayed across my kitchen wall in a cornucopia swath of color and texture . I collapsed into the sink, wretching. When I finally regained control of my stomach, I poured myself a glass of water, rinsed my mouth out, and proceeded to brokenly throw the rest of the moldering coconut into the trash, and scrub my wall and sink clean. I grabbed a large bottle of rum, and began the slow process of drowning my sorrows and tastebuds in a liquid bliss. tl;dr: Wife bought a bad coconut. Epic story. I threw up. Got drunk. strongbadiophage: So this foul, rancid water drenches you and you proceed to drink it. Why? Illpackallama: Im still asking myself the same thing. nomogoodnames: You're a determined bastard thats why. I love the milk of cocnuts but not the husk, so I buy the ultra fresh ones with the pentagon shaped white outside, it's a bitch to get through but the coconut is practically swollen with milk and it tastes fresh, clean, and delicious, and there's hardly any annoying husk. Illpackallama: Where can these be acquired? nomogoodnames: You can get them at organic food stores, the ones that sell whole grain breads and stuff that is healthy for you. You can't find them at the typical supermarket where they sell foods that were processed or are just really unhealthy.

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zerosandwiches: TIFU: Crashed a minivan while racing a dude on a windy mountain road (pic inside) I'm on the way to work in my Mazda 5 on a windy road, when this dude in a Jetta GLI comes screaming up behind me. Rather than pull over to let him pass, I stomped it and tried to see if I could keep him off my ass (couldn't). When it was time for my turnoff, I misjudged the curve and went into a tall curb on the other side of the road. Smashed up car. The dude behind me blew by without ever slowing. I swear I could hear him giggling as he tore on. Because it was technically on a freeway onramp (but not really), a CHP car came along and sat there with the lights on until the tow truck came (an hour) While waiting for said truck, I got to sit on the curb as car after car slowed down, gawked, saw me sitting there, began to laugh and drove off. Also, it's a company car, so I had to explain why I was 3 hours late to work and why I ruined their car. [Here's a pic.](http://imgur.com/cpW9C) TL;DR: Curb committed suicide by jumping out in front of my car. kaluh_glarski: What part of california zerosandwiches: The top part. kaluh_glarski: nice so what road were you on? zerosandwiches: A reasonably well-known E. Bay road that I take to the freeway every morning (I'd prefer not to be too specific). kaluh_glarski: ahh ok BanginNLeavin: Nice try co-worker, wait, he is answering all your questions. Carry on. kaluh_glarski: lol i live in the east bay so im trying to think of what road it was lol

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ToddATP: TIFU by neglecting ⌘S I put in over 3 hours of work into video editing at my work just to have the computer crash and all of my editing lost forever. At least it only took me 2 hours to reedit the project. [deleted]: My brother always braggs about how apple software autosaves. Don't you have this feature for finalcutpro? StickTank: He didn't say he was using FCP, just a video editing program.

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[deleted]: "Oops....I'm a dick." Meme contest?! WindowsPepsiPark: Tell me the joke, I want to know. >.> [deleted]: ^

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Ankins1: [TIFU] Bought a donut machine for no reason I guess I had a mindfart, because I don't even like donuts. And they have a no-return policy. [deleted]: You did not buy a donut machine for no reason. Even if you do not like donuts, your friends like donuts, and you are about to have a lot more friends. Vitto9: Listen to this ape. He clearly knows what he's talking about. bdof: hate to be a primate-nazi, but baboons are cercopithecids, not apes Vitto9: I stand corrected. Now I just have to make sure my wife doesn't see my mistake (she's an anthropology major) Neebat: It'll be ok. Anthropologists are in fact apes. [deleted]: Roast.

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mysecondpost: TIFU by dranking milk at my buddy's, thanking him for the strawberry milk only to find out it was two week old chocolate milk. Chuckgofer: ...HOW? Bac-ILL-us: Yes... I think some further explanation is in order? archenemy236: OP fail?

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Restart417: TIFU because of my continuous downloading, administrators disconnected the internet in our university student council office. I'm Vice President. what do, reddit? nuxenolith: Did you *at least* remember to delete the torrent files once they finished downloading? Seeding torrents on a campus ISP is the rookiest of rookie mistakes. Restart417: I always stop seeding. The thing I fucked up with is when I didn't delete the torrent files. :( nuxenolith: Fuck. I recommend apologizing, telling them it'll never happen again, and paying whatever fee (bribe) applicable. Then consider purchasing a seedbox; it'll allow you to download files to a private, dedicated server with pretty good hardware. This way, you'll get a pretty kickass download/upload rate (useful for any private tracker that requires you to maintain a ratio). Once you've done this, you can download some file-transfer software like FileZilla to move the files from your seedbox to your home computer. The kicker? Everything will be SSH-encrypted, meaning file transfers will be garbled, incomprehensible, and indecipherable, so you can download at the expense of your ISP. They'll know you're downloading *something* but have no way of knowing what that "something" is! How fun! I used [whatbox](http://whatbox.ca/) for awhile; they have some pretty solid deals, and customer service was always highly responsive. I used the Quark Unmetered plan, which allowed for infinite uploading to Waffles. $15 a month. [deleted]: How about a straight up VPN? Seems less hassle nuxenolith: Each has its own merits.

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throwaway10000233333: TIFU. Lost my car in the hospital parking garage for half an hour I walked all 5 floors up and down, awkwardly saying "god damnit" every two minutes or so. I hadn't eaten in about 36 hours and it was hot as fuck. I started getting stressed and confused. Turns out it was in a different garage. I was looking at the map upside-down. My mother was in a wheelchair in the blistering heat the whole time. 34785230823409574239: Well, you fucked up yesterday by not eating, eating probably woulda helped your problem solving abilities. throwaway10000233333: Not having money for food is a hell of a thing.

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[deleted]: TIFU. Accidentely ruined new redditors childhood/internet innocence. Sent him a list of what not to click, he thought I was joking and clicked it. The ordinary 'stay away' reddits, like r/spacedicks and whatnot. WHAT DO I DO. WHAT IF HE SAYS I SENT HIM THAT STUFF. I had meant for him to know to stay AWAY form those places! nerdreadsbooks: I'm relatively new to reddit... Can you send me that list please? Thank you! CompactedPrism: 19 days This guy checks out.

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NomahTheGreat: TIFU when I accidentally attempted to steal a stranger's car. Today I Fucked Up when I was leaving work and walking into the parking lot. In a rush in the morning I tend to forget little details (ex. where I parked), so I see a Jeep I assume is mine and get in. With the ignition not starting to no avail, I angrily punch the wheel. It was then I noticed I'm being watched by the owner of the car who is just about to call the Police. With some rather uncomfortable explanation she put her phone away...whoops. im_tw1g: Accidentally stole a car, I didn't think that was possible! Moregunsthanpatience: That's why I leave all that garbage in my car. Nobody could possibly have the same assortment of fast-food wrappers in their seat to confuse me. im_tw1g: Yeah, yes, yes, NOPE that's burger king. Wrong car!

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Dougal_McCafferty: TIFU by spending $200+ on hockey tickets to a game I just realized I can't go to Bought tickets to the Capitals vs Bruins game, got super pumped up for it, remembered that I have to take a train home tomorrow. Alv2Rde: Kijiji is your friend! If I was in Boston I would buy em for $150! Dougal_McCafferty: The game is actually in Washington tonight.. at this point I would definitely take $150!! Alv2Rde: HA! Shows how much I pay attention to the Eastern conference... (especially when I am New Mexico where they don't even show hockey highlights! Damn I miss me some playoff hockey...) Dougal_McCafferty: Haha I don't blame you. These playoffs have all been incredible do far. I've been glued to the tv jamesriverblues: shame about that vancouver game last night, should have been a call ! Dougal_McCafferty: Looked like interference to me, but that's the way I wanted the series to go, so I wasn't too upset over it

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kpowren: TIFU: Took my mom's car without her knowing and fell asleep behind the wheel. Rolled once in the air, once on the ground, no one can figure out how I'm alive. Pics to come, my mom wouldn't send them because she didn't want me to 'brag' about it. Also, it's my 18th birthday. Yay me! Aszuul: 1. why did you take the car? 2. how did you fall asleep behind the wheel? 3. how the hell are you going to make it up to her? kpowren: A friend called me and woke me from my only hour of sleep. He needed a ride home, twenty minutes away. Aszuul: well be more careful next time. it could have ended much worse.

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IWantALemur: TIFU by taking an hour and twenty minute detour to a job interview So I'm on road A. The person who gave me directions told me to take road A then turn left onto road B, and then right onto road C. While on road A, there is an intersection with road C. So I pull over into a parking lot and call the person who gave me directions to see if there was a mistake in the directions. Should I keep going straight and looking for road B, or just turn right onto road C? I was told to just turn right. So I'm going, and a couple minutes later I get stopped at a railroad crossing, 3 cars in. Now, the time I'm stopped at this railroad crossing is the time I'm supposed to be at the job interview. However, I called the employer and informed him I'd be a few minutes late, he said it wasn't a problem at all and not to worry about it, just to let him know when I arrived. I was a few minutes away from my destination - or so I thought. This train... man, I couldn't stop thinking about how it was the SLOWEST train I've ever seen. It was moving so slow because it was coming to a stop... 100 yards down, I could see the end of this long train, but for some reason it decided to stop so it'd be blocking the intersection... for 40 minutes. So the train finally moves, and I drive on down road C, looking for road D I'm supposed to turn onto. I was told it was a stoplight, and I saw the names of all of the roads at intersections with stoplights, so I knew I didn't pass road D, and kept going. Well, road C ended 15 minutes later without ever crossing road D. I call up the person who gave me directions, and it turned out I was told to go the wrong way. I should have turned left onto road C. It curves in that direction and runs parallel to road A. I was 5 minutes from my job interview, and would have been only slightly late. I got there an hour and a half late. Oops... On the bright side, they thought my story was hilarious. Barring a failed drug test, I have the job. TL;DR - got stopped by a train for 40 minutes, then went another 15 minutes down the road... in the wrong direction. Never should have crossed the train tracks in the first place. tuneznz: You deserve a upvote for that [deleted]: Well thanks. I was expecting to get more "dumb ass should have known" kind of reactions, but my first reddit post not getting downvoted is nice! Oh, the thing that got them to laugh hardest, especially the secretary, I said, "The only way I could have been more late to this interview is if I let Zach Galifianakis drive and he fell asleep at the wheel." I also didn't mention that I'm a college student living in a dorm without a car. My brother lives in the same city, but on the other side, with a car. He was supposed to pick me up, but I figured he wouldn't be up, so got up extra early and made the 40 minute walk to his house to get the car. I took extra precautions to NOT be late... Something just did NOT want me to be on time. smeehrrr: You can walk across your entire city in 40 minutes? [deleted]: Rephrase: I live in the center of my city. My brother lives on the very edge, right off the express way.

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GashcatUnpunished: TIFU... I lost my entire college art portfolio It has everything in it. My pad of expensive paper, all of my assignments, several of which were due today. My entire array of VERY expensive brushes, most of my expensive paint tubes.... I can't even do the assignment that was assigned today. My family has little money so buying those supplies is an ordeal. I have no idea where I left it, I ransacked my house and it is not there. It must be on campus somewhere but I called the lost and found office and they didn't have it. It has been two days. I don't know what special kind of asshole would find a bag of art and just take it. And yes, it is just a bag. I have costly portfolios but they are too large and unwieldy to bother with carrying around the size pad I was using... So I've been carrying all of this stuff around in a thick, white plastic bag. You know, that nicer breed of plastic bag you get when you buy books. This makes me terrified that someone thought it was trash and threw it out. The year is about to end and I do not have time to make up the assignments. Edit: Fuck Up of the Week, nice ahahaha cbain8509: What college? Let's try to get reddit to help you find it! GashcatUnpunished: Mmm, I'd rather not internet my location... I do have a reddit stalker unfortunately. meltedsquirrel: oh shit a reddit stalker? that sounds horrible. GashcatUnpunished: Yeah it's really not pleasant, and shit if reddit can do anything about it. He made a subreddit about me and everything. meltedsquirrel: That.......is so fucking creepy. GashcatUnpunished: Yeah :S [deleted]: Seriously? What is the subreddit? This is so unfortunate but I'm kinda curious about this. Did you post on something like r/gonewild that would lead someone to stalk you? GashcatUnpunished: I can honestly say I have no idea what I did. I don't post anything remotely like GW. One of my friends told me something interesting, though. She's had an internet stalker and told me that it's not about the person they're stalking, really. They're just who they've attached their sickness to. [deleted]: Wow... I have no words for this. Maybe that user is mentally unstable or something.

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stupid_tax_throwaway: The check I wrote to the IRS bounced. stupid_tax_throwaway: FOR FUCK'S SAKE I FORGOT TO PUT THE THING IN THE TITLE. I swear I didn't do that on purpose. :((( rya11111: we know .. it happens .. please repost. sorry :)

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[deleted]: TIFU: I pissed on myself whilst pooping Yeah, so my stomach was upset and I felt a massive bowel movement coming on. I rushed to my bathroom, pulled down my track pants, and I proceed to unleash a shitnami. As you know, one does not simply poop without peeing. During this shitastrophe, I'm overcome with glee, unaware that my penis is flopped out over the rim of the toilet seat as this vile waste product leaves my system. Caught up in the moment of pure ecstasy, I begin peeing....all over my boxers, track pants, and the floor. About half way through the piss I realize that I fucked up and promptly tucked my penis down to finish the remainder of my piss; this time into the toilet bowl. But the damage was done. I sit here ashamed, humbly sharing this experience with you as my piss soaked clothing twirl about in the washer. Today I fucked up. Skittle_power: And this ladies and gentlemen is why its good to be a girl. my_tactless_opinion: I'd taking peeing on myself over pregnancy and monthly menstrual periods any day Skittle_power: Can't blame you there lol

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[deleted]: TIFU...well, actually yesterday. I posted to r/AskReddit and asked for nothing NSFW and it was automatically tagged as NSFW. Then got called a scumbag redditor just cause I didn't know how to untag it as NSFW. More inside. I asked Reddit what a good thing for a Transformer to transform into and asked for nothing NSFW cause I know there are people out there who might post something NSFW as a joke. so then I get these comments: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/sgm6v/what_are_some_interesting_things_for_a/ I'm annoyed. [deleted]: god damnit. now this post is auto-tagged as NSFW.... withmorten: Oh my god ... now that just made for a good laugh!

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Nortoreo: TIFU while working with radiation... I am a CEDO or certified exposure device operator, which means that I go to welding shops with a exposure device or a camera and inspect the welding. We have very strict rules when it comes to the amount of radiation we can pick up on our TLD (thermoluminescent dosimeter). Main number being that you can get 70 mR in a 2 week wear period. Today I received close to 700mR in 24 seconds. My SOR peaking at almost one hundred thousand mR/h. I do not know what the consequences will be at this point in time but it may cost me my job. monkette: idk, but it sure sounds like it could cost you your life too. I hope this teaches you a lesson and i hope you don't get radiation sickness. Nortoreo: If I had been slower and stayed in front of the camera longer then i did even a minute would have been an insane amount more. It takes alot of mR to get radiation sickness which is good. But thank you for your concern.

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[deleted]: TIFU by accidentally shitting on my friend. This morning, I went to friend's apartment to meet up with him for breakfast. His apartment door has a broken lock, so I just went right on in. I found him asleep on the couch and decided it would be hilarious if I woke him up by farting in his face. I pulled down my pants so as to maximize the amount of air flow from my anus to the face of my friend, and crouched over him in preparation for the prank. I hadn't brewed anything ahead of time, so I just squeezed really hard to push something out... Much to my surprise, not only did I fart... I also splashed a little bit of shit on my friend's face.... He got up, washed his face and proceeded to beat the ever-loving shit out of me... B0FH_420: farting in someone's face is not funny, cool or even remotely in good taste. 2 year olds stop doing after the first time. Tilghan: According to the majority of the people commenting on it, it is actually pretty funny. Good try, though. B0FH_420: They are laughing at how stupid you are not with you. Tilghan: Lol alright B0FH_420: hahahahahaaahahahahahahahahahaha Free_High_Fives: KILL YOURSELF. B0FH_420: Have your mommy come down and suck your dick like she always does when you need to calm down, and tell her I will be by in a few hours for my blowjob. [deleted]: Well then. You've successfully hurt a man's feelings. Happy? If my girlfriend gave me a BJ everytime I was sad, I'd be a pretty happy guy. B0FH_420: Nope. How do you know I hurt his feelings? [deleted]: Well, its either that or he thought it was funny. Frankly, I can take a joke (or an insult) and just laugh. Others aren't the same. And why aren't you happy? B0FH_420: I just chose not to take that joke. I am about as happy as I can get. [deleted]: I was reffering to when you said this when I asked, "Happy?" > Nope. B0FH_420: That was then this is now. [deleted]: What makes you so happy?

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[deleted]: TIFU: Sleep-eating while on Ambien, I poured milk into a bowl of empty edamame shells instead of my Fruity Pebbles and spilled all over the table. Then fell back asleep while trying to clean it up. ChaplinStrait: Do I have Ambien stories for you...my mother used to take this stuff. Want to hear some stories? Arterra: milk the karma for all it's worth already. ChaplinStrait: The first time my mom did it she accidentally took one and we still had to go to work(we were working as a cleaning crew, so we worked nights). So we strapped her onto the back seat , wrapped in a blanket, and took off. We locked her in the truck and did our job and came back. On the way home, still asleep, my sister had to slam on the brakes for something and my mom, clad in a fleece blanket on a leather bench seat, went flying off the back seat and hit the floor with a soundly thud. Needless to say, we drove slower after that. The last time she did it, she was in the shower...obviously naked. Anyway, she comes out, crying for some reason. Commence the next six hours of trying to get her to just TRUCKING LAY DOWN AND SLEEP IT OFF.

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Ineeni: TIFU Working computer lab today I had a person move a computer and stopped them...while closing I thought everyone was gone turns out she wasn't and I yelled "what a big fat fucking retard moves a computer in a computer lab with cubicles." I didn't think peoples faces could contort like that it almost looked like the rage face: http://fuuu.us/265 KingNoHeart: Usually, we put a brief synopsis of the fuck-up and write the full story in the comment section of your submission. For future reference. In the meantime, [have a laugh](http://i.imgur.com/aSChL.gif). LongboardLove1962: hah! i like that, that made me laugh. i would have liked to see somebody actually do that.

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JollyRoger61: TIFU Missed job application This isn't a huge deal but I feel pretty foolish. I've been planning on applying to a job online that didn't have a deadline. Of course this means it could close at any time. I've been so busy with school so it took me a while to write up a cover letter and get ready to apply. I was ready to apply today and of course it closed. I'm new to this sub-reddit so I'm not sure if this is TIFU worthy, but I was bummed about this... ersatztruth: Don't worry about it. I've applied to literally hundreds of online applications without any further contact. Someone once explained to me that if a job is being posted online, then they have already ruled out everyone in the HR employee's network, the company's applicant database, and the databases of any employment agency they contract with. Odds are they must therefore be looking for someone extremely specific, and that almost certainly isn't you. Chronophilia: Or they just need so many people for that position that they already interviewed everyone you mentioned above. Fingers crossed.

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im_tw1g: TIFU by climbing a wall that was part of a shrine. The priest was watching. So, on family holidays in Japan. Visited a shrine (only people there at the time) and after leaving, I decide to climb up a rock retaining wall under the side of the shrine. I didn't realize at the time that this would be kind of offensive. Then a priest drove up. He had his hands on his cheeks, and a look of pure horror on his face. I felt pretty guilty. Luckily, my dad told me later that he was being melodramatic on purpose and smiled at my dad in a 'boys will be boys' way while I wasn't looking. At least he was alright about it :) safebrowseatwork: hows he driving with his hands on his cheeks? sounds dangerous. im_tw1g: he slowed down and he was the only person on the road at the time. safebrowseatwork: yeah i was kidding, lol.

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done_in_by_data: TIFU and started a shitstorm. OK, here goes: An ex employee turned over a company phone, and it was given to me to babysit. I looked through the phone and everything appeared to be erased except for the contact list and some recent texts...nothing out of the ordinary. My job was too answer it and reply to any messages. I won't pretend to be tech-savvy. To me it looked like a clean phone, with the contacts added back in. No email, no photos, no messages. Just the contact list and some recent calls. I had the phone for 2 days...on the second day, it receives a notification of a new email. I checked it...but was confused for a second. The sender had an obviously erotic email address. We'll call it "glendahotbodyforyouxxx" or "glenda" for short....and while we are at it, let's call the ex employee "Tim". At any rate, the email came in from Glenda, and had there not been an entire conversation thread that showed up with it, I would have chalked it up to spam. But as I read the email thread I pieced together that Tim was in the habit of hiring expensive ex porn-stars that he contacted through various xxx escort services and flying them across country for over-night or weekend rendezvous. If you knew Tim, you'd be shocked. He's quiet, reserved, polite and NEVER spoke about a woman, or a girlfriend during his entire employment. As a matter of fact, I had him pegged as either gay, or simply asexual. At the very moment I was discovering this email and figuring it out, a co-worker entered my office. Apparently my face gave everything away, because he said "WHAT?!" as soon as he saw me and ran over to see what I was looking at. We were both amazed. We looked up the name on the internet and found Glenda's webpage. All I can say is, "WOW" that chick was hot. I was impressed. He had good taste and this lady looked expensive. I brought the phone home that night to show my husband. He found all the emails. Tim had failed to unlink his account and they were still there. The other emails were more descriptive of his actual tastes S&M stuff, OTK, spanking...and an email with a different escort company asking for references. Tim was able to give her OTHER escorts to verify him. It appeared that he met up with them regularly on about an every two month interval. Now, I'm not knocking Tim's preferences. To each his own....but when you find out something about a person that is so completely flip-sided, it's a lot to take in. My husband also found photos. OMG, the photos. They were very graphic, very NSFW. The next day, I show my co-worker the rest of what was found. I also told ONE other person about the photos, and the photos only. That guy apparently already knew more of the story from Tim himself. Because he finished up by telling *me* about Tim's proclivity. By the end of the day, Tim had found out and he was livid. He actually called my boss and told him that I was telling everyone that he flies transvestite hookers around the world for sex. My boss found this insane, and told me I should call him and ask what was going on. He was NOT happy, but he didn't think any of it was true. I told my boss that I'd never said to anyone that Tim flies transvestite hookers anywhere, and left it at that. So I called Tim on my way home, and the conversation was awkward to say the least. Here is how the call to Tim went: Me: Yes, the boss said I should call you. Tim: A little bird told me that you are saying I'm flying transvestite hookers across country for sex. Me: Well that just sounds bizarre. Doesn't it sound *bizarre* to you? Tim: (rushed and frustrated) Other people used my phone and if there were pictures on there then that's what it's from. I erased my phone before I turned it in. Me: Well, if you erased it, then there isn't anything there, *is there*? Tim: Well, if there *is* anything on my phone, it's not from me. Me: OK...anything else? Tim: Nah, have a good day. Talk to you later. I hope all is quite tomorrow, but I doubt this will soon be forgotten. I **really hope** that's it though. I hope Tim just moves on with his new job and never looks back....he's got to make a lot of money after all. I feel bad that I told anyone, I should have just re-set the phone and kept it to myself. TL;DR: Do a hard re-set on a company owned device before you turn it in, especially if you dabble in sex-for-hire. Magoran: > I had him *pegged* as either gay Haha. But seriously, fuck. Soukai: Butt fuck, seriously. Magoran: Come on guys. swearingmoses: Probably should have typed "cum" instead of "come". Magoran: I suppose the time for subtlety had passed, hadn't it? swearingmoses: Well gay jokes are about as childish as Holocaust and 9/11 jokes. Anne Frankly, I think they're just plane wrong. doctor_why: I personally think they're hitlerious, monumental in their humor until they come crashing down.

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bjoe9: TIFU: Turned down a better job. I received a call from a tech recruiter about a job 5 minutes from my house that paid more. They needed filled the position as soon as possible. I drive 80 miles a day for my current job. I turned him down because I couldn't give a two weeks notice. Kicking myself in the ass about it now. SalemWolf: Call him back and explain you originally could not accept the position because of a two-week notice. However, discuss it with your current employer and, if worse comes to worse, perhaps not giving them that notice. This sounds like a really good opportunity for you, in both distance and pay. Do not let this pass you by, call the recruiter back ASAP. If you explain why you originally turned it down, he may be willing to find that noble and work with you. bjoe9: I've been thinking about calling him back, but the job is only a 3 month contract. SalemWolf: Is there a chance it could become a permanent position? bjoe9: Probably not because it's an install job. Go in setup all the computers, printers, cabling, servers, software installs etc. Once that's done the company that ordered the setup will send out an administrator to take over. I live in central Virginia and IT jobs are hard to come by unless you have been an admin or programmer for 7+ years, or you drive to the university I work at. SalemWolf: Then better to fuck up now than to post three months down the road... TIFU: Accepted a three month-position and am now unemployed. So, yeah, probably for the best anyway. :) bjoe9: Good advice. Thank you for your input.

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drone13: TIFU by giving a speech in public speaking about my most treasured photograph, a blank piece of paper. The assignment was to bring a photograph with significance to the presenter and talk about it. I forgot my picture so I winged it and went on about how important the abstraction of "nothing" is to me while fawning over an ordinary piece of paper. Professor gave me a thumbs down and my peers think I'm either autistic or a nihilist. orismology: But, nothing represents the future! You don't have a most treasured photograph becuase you're only partway through your life. You first need to see the world, live life, fuck up! You *can't* have a treasured photograph, because your most treasured moment is yet to come... drone13: Damn I should have said that... My points were along the lines of "Nothing is the vital starting point for most everything". In retrospect I think that my piece of blank paper was more interesting than most everyone else's high school graduation pictures.

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LoneCoffeeDefender: TIFU. I have a research paper due about 6 hours ago I started two hours ago. balqisfromkuwait: What's the topic about? I can help if you want LoneCoffeeDefender: Transhumanism and augmented prostheses. Thanks, but I wrapped it up at 8 o'clock this morning. Arterra: my first thought is deus ex. am I in the same ball park, or across the continent? LoneCoffeeDefender: Right. Think Human Revolution, though, not the original.

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[deleted]: TIFU: I got all the way to work only to realize I didn't bring any tampons with me. To make matters worse, I have an 8 hour shift today. Grimalkin: Go to a convenience store on your break and buy some. too__legit: I only get 30 minutes. The closest convenience store is that far away.

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[deleted]: TIFU. I laughed at a joke my friend told me yesterday, during a funeral My dad's cousin's funeral was today, she was very close to me and I loved her. But for some reason my brain decided to re-tell a joke my friend told me yesterday when they were lowering the casket. Fuck. I hate myself now, as does at least half of my relatives. Jesus I'm an asshole. [deleted]: You think that bad? One time, at my mother in-laws funeral, I saw a funny picture during the little slide show viewing thing. Now, I could have left it at that, but when the pastor was saying the prayers and everything, I just burst out laughing. Here I am, laughing so hard I'm crying, and every time I see someone's shocked face, I started laughing harder. The wife wouldn't talk to me for several days, I was considered a disgrace to the family, and nobody listens to my explanation. I believe I get the trophy? Flelchdork: Umm... Yeah. I guess. Wow. At least I got to explain myself. Still, everybody hates me. And I guess it's for a reason. [deleted]: Yep. Just always remember things can be worse. withmorten: Yeah, somebody could be laughing at *your* funeral. [deleted]: I'm down with it as long as it keeps a good mood. I want mother fuckin' pinatas at my funeral. (No joke, btw. I've found the best way to enjoy life is to just enjoy it. Don't over think things bro.) And confetti. Confetti is always nice. withmorten: Except for the one who has to clean it up. I'm all for "enjoying" funerals btw, too. Especially if you were very, very close to the one being the subject of the funeral. [deleted]: It's all good bro. My father died of a bad mixture of weed and lumber jacking (Pretty funny story actually, just not funny at the time), then not even half a year later my step father was murdered. I was in a depression nothing could get me out of for months. Then one day I realized I was a total pussy, manned the fuck up, and started enjoying life. I would suggest you do the same. withmorten: I have not lost anyone, for that matter. Was all hypothetical. :)

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OutFawksed: TIFU: I started seeing a girl that friendzoned one of my friends Hi Reddit, My friend, lets call him Jack, is pretty much obsessed with this one girl and has been for maybe a year, lets call her Jane, and has been friendzoned pretty damn hard. Only problem is he doesn't seem to understand that it won't happen. Anyway I had met her a couple of times and got chatting with her on facebook on the Wednesday and arranged to go for a coffee today (Saturday), Jack found out about this through Jane and got really pissed off. Later that day one of my friends came over to mine, lets call him Dave, and we had a couple of joints and chilled out. So I went into town this morning with Dave and he met up with another friend, lets call him Steve, and they went off and did stuff and things and I met up with Jane. So Jane and I had a nice little chat over coffee and we kissed; this would not have been a problem if one of Jacks other friends hadn't seen us and told him about it. So I walked Jane to work and left her to it and went about my day with a lot of people telling me that Jack was pissed at me. So later today around 6pm, Jack meets Jane at work and they end up arguing and I go to comfort her and walk her to the train station, she gets on the train and goes home, this is about 7pm. I then get a text from Steve telling me that he wants me to come over and have a few beers with him and Dave; I end up going with this offer and they tell me they're at one end of town so I walk 25 minutes over there to find that they aren't there and they won't answer their phones. So I walk back over to Steve's house at about 9pm, really pissed off and just want to talk to him about what was going on, Steve and Dave then tell me over text that it was all a big joke and that I couldn't stay over, they then hopped the fence in the back of his garden and went out to avoid seeing me. So at this point I had missed the last train home, I don't drive, my parents had been drinking and had no cash for a taxi and I was stuck 9 miles from home. Luckily one of my friends gave me a lift home otherwise I would have been in deep shit. I also found out later this whole piece of shit situation was because Dave and Steve had ran into Jack on the way to Steve's house and they wanted to fuck with me. Despite Dave and Steve being my friends. tl;dr seeing a girl a friend is into, got fucked over by some of my supposed friends. [deleted]: Fuck them all. Don't smoke pot with losers. Go after the girl. He has no "claim" and is a shame to males everywhere if he acts like he does. OutFawksed: Thanks man, I don't really care about Steve because he's an arsehole but I'm pretty upset that Dave went a long with it and made no effort to stop it.

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Chairmanmeyow: TIFU by leaving my debit card in the ATM. The person behind me withdrew $900. UPDATE: Sorry it took me so long! I don't know if this is the proper way to update on a post, but here goes. My bank gave me the money back with very little hassle a couple weeks after the incident. I had to wait for the charges to officially post to my account, which took a few days. I navigated the automated system a few times to get in touch with the Claims department. I was issued a new bank card even though the guy who took my money from the ATM left my debit card behind. I also had my limit decreased. Once I actually filed the claim, I set up an appointment at my bank to see photographs from the ATM. I had to complete a form identifying the guy if I could (I could not). The next week I got a deposit! Love my bank. Unfortunately, I got a call yesterday from my bank informing me of some suspicious charges to my account. I took a look at my transaction history and there are 2 charges ($250 an $200) from Publix #store number. I Googled and found out that this is a grocery store in FL. I live in CA. As I mentioned above, I was issued the new card just 2 weeks ago and I did not lose it... I have to go through the whole process again. Yesterday, I cancelled my current card and will be issued a new one. I have to wait for the transactions to post and then file a claim. WTF. I'm actually kind of concerned that this happened again so recently, but I don't believe the two incidents are related. Any thoughts? Edit: Wow. I am so bad at this. Lost the original text of my post didn't I? JamoAV: That guy is a premium asshole. I've left my card in twice and had it returned instantly, i've also seen people leave cards in and have them returned. What a dick. Chairmanmeyow: I would never do that to someone and I'm having a hard time comprehending how that guy was able to. DanJYutaka: How do you not comprehend why he did it? I'm not condoning it or saying your stupid, everybody makes mistakes blah blah blah, but it's fairly simply to understand why. FREE MONEY. If you could get $900 for literally nothing you'd probably be like FUCKING HELL, I JUST WON THE LOTTERY! He probably also thought something along the lines of "well she was dumb enough to leave her account open so....." EDIT: love it when people who can't read downvote my comment. IVEGOTA-D-H-D-WHOOO: We can read, that's just a selfish way to think. The money isn't "free," it comes at a cost, to another person. DanJYutaka: I am pointing out that that is what the other person was thinking, and that not acknowledging that other people are like that is silly. IVEGOTA-D-H-D-WHOOO: Fair enough I read over your first comment again and it all adds up. Read it with a different connotation in my head at first. Cheers and have a good day buddy.

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mndgrnla: TIFU by accidentally knocking over a bottle of wine at WalMart It was a glass bottle of course, so it made a huge mess. After I knocked it over, I ran into a bunch of people I knew who saw what happened. That was embarrassing. Then, I almost got into a wreck on the drive home because I didn't get over into the right lane fast enough and I had to cut off the car behind me, and my boyfriend was in the car so he got mad at me. Then, after I got home and started putting my groceries away in the fridge I accidentally knocked out my roommate's food and it spilled all over the kitchen floor. TL;DR I'm ridiculously clumsy today, and my boyfriend blamed it on my vagina/being a woman. a5htr0n: The part where you knocked over wine isn't so bad. I used to work at Kroger and someone once knocked over an entire display case of wine. Talk about a fuck up. [deleted]: I work at Kroger and I dropped a bottle of wine once, as well as bumped into one of those big wine racks and had a mini heart attack. Not a bad job, but shit like that is horrifying. a5htr0n: Haha yeah tell me about it. It was an old guy and I'm pretty sure he destroyed like hundreds of dollars worth of wine. It was the cheap stuff but it was all stacked up in front of customer service. Fortunately I had just gotten off haha. I feel sorry for whoever had to clean that up. [deleted]: The one I broke was one of those little Gallo bottles. I was putting up misplaced items and it fell out of my cart. It had been really busy and I was trying to get shit done and that was a big "goddammit" moment lol a5htr0n: I feel your pain haha.

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WarDamnTexas: TIFU. Thought I was a rally driver. Earlier today, I decided i'd take my Tacoma and go tearing around the national forest, as I do, from time to time. I've only been on one of the dirt roads that branch off the highway for a couple minutes, and covered about a mile, when I come down a hill in a left-handed sweeper. I see a couple holes in front of me, so I cut left to avoid them, and as I do, i feel the back get squirrely. No biggie, happens a lot. However, in front of me now is a muddy trough somebody dug with their tires on the side of the road. So, I cut immediately back to the right. Now shit gets real. Rear-end traction falls asleep on the job, and the back tires decide to try to overtake the front tires. I'm not on borad with this plan, so I start to correct. The back tires are persistent fuckers, and try to pass on the other side. I correct this way, as well, and then I see the tree. *Shit*. Now i'm fighting back to the right, and braking, which I know was stupid, but that's what i did. it was at that moment that I knew it was unavoidable. That tree was about to get its shit *wrecked*. **SLAM.** The right fender goes into the tree, and the whole truck pivots around that point. Now I'm facing backwards down the road, and I realize that the tree in fact won this battle. I exit the truck, and lock the door, out of habit. (This will be important later.) I survey the damage, and call my father, who took it better than I did. As we talk about calling roadside assistance, I go to read the number off of the inside the windshield, and realize the keys are still in the ignition. *Fuuuuck.* So, I crane my neck to get the number, and then wait about an hour and a half for the tow truck. When he arrives on scene, the first thing he says is "That frame's bent. The truck's probably totalled, man." Of-fucking-course it is. I find out on Monday. Sorry about the delay, but here's the promised pics. http://imgur.com/a/2aelo TL;DR: shortest rally stage ever, finish line was a tree, and I won the stage. EDIT: Pics. htpasswd: You wrecked your car but all windows remained intact? WarDamnTexas: the impact was below the hood, and forward of the passenger's side window. There's a few cracks in the windshield, in the bottom right corner. sdoorex: I highly doubt that you ruined the frame if all windows are intact. It takes a lot of force to bend and would cause a lot of stress of the shell. WarDamnTexas: That's what I'm hoping. I'll get in touch with the shop tomorrow. sdoorex: Did you ever find out the extent of the damage? WarDamnTexas: Just posted pics, and got an estimate of $7000 to repair. Totalled. Aside from the obviously visible, airbox is broken, Condenser is broken, probably etc.

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easycig: TIFU by shocking myself in the eye. My E-cig broke so until I can make a run to Radio Shack and make something I've been using a usb cable since they are both the same voltage and connecting it to the positive and negative part of the terminals so I can still puff. I took a drag and the cable must have been twisted just right because when I set it down it untwisted and went right into my eye. It was only 5 volts so it didn't hurt too bad, it definitely gave me a fright though. calafragilistic: If this doesn't scream nicotine addiction, I don't know what does. [deleted]: I dunno, you should some of the crazy shit they do for weed over at r/stonerengineering. calafragilistic: Addicts... Addicts everywhere... Joking aside, there is a difference between making cool contraptions for your fix and rigging something together to get a quick puff because you're desperate. Indrite_voss: There is also a difference between a knowledgeable person, and you. calafragilistic: It only took him a week! What a zinger, everybody! Indrite_voss: Enough. calafragilistic: Ladies and gentleman, you are experiencing what is quite possibly this year's contender for the title and rights to the username Epic_comebacks! It only took him one word and another whole week to effectively prove his worth and convince us all that he is the best! What a scholar, people! Indrite_voss: I apologize if I inconvenienced you in any way.

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I_WASTE_TIME: TIFU - I was too lazy to go to the funeral of my great grandma. She died last Saturday at the age of 96, and today at 8.30 was her funeral. I woke up at 8 and was deciding whether to go or not :|. This was the most fucked up decision I had to make, i mean its suppose to be clear that the answer should have been to go to the funeral, yet i didn't. I decided to sleep it off. Fuck!!! That's how I fucked up today =( Sleepy_McTiredson: Damn, that's some cold ass karma. I_WASTE_TIME: You have no idea of the regret i am feeling now. I have never wanted to go back in time so bad, just to and slap myself in the face for deciding not to go. And also to make myself go to the funeral of corse TheV295: If she wasn't close to you that is no big deal, don't worry about it. Of course you should have gone in consideration to your father/mother and grandparents but it is pointless crying over spilt milk.

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l0l_cabbage: TIFU - Wanted to pee. Had a boner. Bended down a little bit to don't miss the toilet bowl. Peed on my face instead. Never bend down then you pee with a boner :S It's better to wipe your pee later. KrustyKreme: This didn't happen. phantomtwizzler: Neither did the holocaust but we don't mention that do we? asnof: So there are at least 6 people with no sense of humor. phantomtwizzler: Oh it is a type of humor, just a really dark kind asnof: I was talking about the people that down voted you. I found it funny phantomtwizzler: ahh yes well thanks

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xyz66: TIFU because I just found out I've been calling a girl I know by the wrong name for the past two years. For the past 2 years, I've been calling this girl Susan, and I found out today that her name is really Jeanette, which would explain the look she'd give me whenever I said hi or tried talking to her. poorchris: Ouch. What made that realization finally take place? xyz66: She passed by, and I said "hey susan" and she made a face, and my friend that was there with me was like "Dude, her name is Jeanette." And that's when it dawned on me. meowballs: Start calling her Dawn. swampfox_spartacus: agreed, just hope she isnt a redditor

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inflexiblemadness: TIFU by accidentally hitting my cat so hard he staggered away. My cat was sitting on the coffee table and the remote was to the left of me. I reached across my body with my right hand to grab the remote and right as I brought it across my body my cat decided he wanted to jump from the coffee table to the couch. I hit him right in the face in mid-air pretty loudly, and didn't even know what the fuck had happened at first. He staggered away for a second licking his mouth. I checked his face to make sure he wasn't bleeding or anything. Stupid ass cat. TL;DR - Clocked the cat with the remote, he's fine. raisetothefuture: Whenever I accidentally hit my cat, I would hold him and tell him I'm sorry for like 10 minutes. While mentally calling him an idiot, of course. I swear, they purposely get right in the way to make us feel bad for running into them! inflexiblemadness: Amen to that. I have stepped on my cat in the dark so many times. LaMafiosa: My freshman english teacher broke her hip because she tried not to step on her cat that was scuttering by. . . inflexiblemadness: Am I correct in assuming you're Latina? LaMafiosa: Simon inflexiblemadness: Just thought I'd check. Latina girls are my weakness so I got kind of excited when I saw your username, lol. LaMafiosa: Oh Thank you? inflexiblemadness: You're welcome? SoftShock2294: Awkward? inflexiblemadness: No? [deleted]: Yes. inflexiblemadness: No?

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SenseiCAY: TIFU...instead of being at work right now, I should be getting a massage. I had an appointment for today, and it should be wrapping up right now, except after a hectic weekend, I forgot all about it. I still have to pay for it. [deleted]: Did you sign a contract or give them your SSN? [deleted]: Obviously your not a golfer.

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monicacpht3641: TIFU by accidentally giving myself a migraine. I took some allergy medication for my god-awful allergies and didn't read the ingredients list. There was corn starch in the tablets, and all corn products trigger awful migraines for me. So of course I ended up with a horrible migraine all because of my stupidity. Now I feel like crap. Go me! barryspencer: Corn and corn starch have never been demonstrated to cause or trigger a migraine. In fact no food has ever been demonstrated to cause or trigger a migraine. The popular theory that foods can cause or trigger migraines is unsupported by scientific evidence. > "…intake of alcohol, caffeine withdrawal, skipping meals, and possibly dehydration may trigger migraine and TTH in some patients. Scientific evidence is lacking that any other food or food additive plays a relevant role as a trigger factor of headaches." [Wöber C, Wöber-Bingöl C. Triggers of migraine and tension-type headache. Handb Clin Neurol. 2010;97:161-72.](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20816418) monicacpht3641: I keep to a strict diet due to Celiac disease. My sensitivities also include corn. I have kept a food journal for years so that I could find out what exactly was causing problems, and I discovered it was corn. Now the only time I ever get a migraine is within 24 hours of ingesting any kind of corn product. So research or no, it absolutely is a trigger for me. As long as I stay away from it I have no problems. barryspencer: It's good that you are attempting to identify the cause of your migraines. However, there are limitations to what we can soundly conclude based on your observations. Basically you've done a trial study using one subject: yourself. Because your trial study had only one subject, the results can't tell us whether corn triggers migraines or not, in you or in anybody else. That's because a trial using only one subject can't rule out coincidence. Migraine is very common, and people with migraine, like everybody else, tend to eat several times a day. So it is statistically inevitable that many migraine patients will notice remarkable associations between foods they eat and their migraines. I can show you the math if you like. Here are the results of the mathematical calculations: If a person gets three migraines a month (that's about average), so in 90 days gets 4.5 migraines, and the person eats 20 different foods, each food on 20 percent of the days, over the course of 90 days there is an 18.3 percent chance that at least one of the 20 foods will have been eaten in the 48 hours before each migraine. There is a 1.4 percent chance that at least one food will have been eaten in the 24 hours before each migraine. If the person eats more than 20 foods, the chances increase that at least one of those foods will have been eaten in the 48 or 24 hours before each migraine. There are an estimated 36 to 45 million migraine patients in the US alone. So in the next 90 days we can expect that, due to random chance, 504,000 to 630,000 people in the US will get migraines 4.5 times in a row within 24 hours after eating a particular food. So: is the remarkable association you've noticed between eating corn products and getting a migraine due to coincidence, or due to corn causing the migraines? There's no way to know based on your observations. Determining whether corn causes or triggers migraine would require a trial study using multiple subjects, in order to rule out coincidence. If among a large enough group of subjects corn is associated with migraine more than is placebo, that would mean corn is causally associated with migraine. (The trial study would also have to be blinded, to rule out the placebo effect.) Headache researchers have done trial studies on the effects of some foods on migraine, and it turned out the foods studied didn't have an effect on headaches or migraines. And researchers realized that dietary restriction is not an effective approach to treating migraine, beyond a placebo effect (which can be profound). So years ago headache researchers and theorists quietly discarded the idea that foods cause or trigger migraine. That's why there's been no study of the effect of corn on migraine: researchers know the results would be negative, so there's nothing to be gained from doing such a trial study. Unfortunately many secondary sources including some poorly-informed doctors continue to push the theory that foods trigger migraines, and that patients can avoid migraines by restricting their diet, even though there is no good reason to believe so. zombiepirate: I am not a medical doctor, but I take issue with this following statement. > That's why there's been no study of the effect of corn on migraine: researchers know the results would be negative, so there's nothing to be gained from doing such a trial study. How can you say with certainty what the results of the study would be if it has not been performed? What if you are missing something important? For example, there have been studies performed that link migraines to estrogen levels. [Here](http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/headaches/HE00003) and [here](http://www.usdoctor.com/head.htm) are some sources to back up this claim. Furthermore, corn seems to have an effect on estrogen levels in animal models as shown [here.](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1240732/) So to claim with certainty that there is absolutely **no way** that corn can have an effect on migraines, and that it would be a waste of time to even consider the idea seems to be shutting your mind to any possible new evidence. I understand why somebody would be skeptical of an idea that is contradictory to a study that they have read, but one has to ask themselves if the researchers were asking the right question all along. Furthermore, I doubt that there have been any studies on migraine triggers in patients with Celiac disease (as OP says that they have). Perhaps this is a question worth asking as well. barryspencer: Well, I don't claim corn *must not* cause or trigger migraines. Rather, I argue that there is not sufficient reason to believe corn causes or triggers migraines. You're right that neither I nor headache researchers *know* for certain that corn doesn't influence migraine. But headache researchers know enough that they don't expect a trial study of the effect of corn on migraine would produce results supporting the conclusion that corn influences migraine. It's unlikely a proper trial study of the effect of corn on migraine will be done, as there's no good reason to expect such a trial study would produce positive results. Reports from migraine patients such as yourself who have noticed associations between corn and their migraines could be accounted for by random chance. Estrogen definitely influences migraine. It is possible that if corn influences migraine, it does so because constituents of corn act like estrogen. I briefly looked over the article you cited. Getting from the findings of this study to corn influencing migraine in humans is too much of a stretch. The findings of this study don't support the conclusion that corn influences migraine. This 1984 study found no effect of corn oil on female sexual hormones in rats: [Wetsel WC, et al. Absence of an effect of dietary corn oil content on plasma prolactin, progesterone, and 17 beta-estradiol in female Sprague-Dawley rats. Cancer Res. 1984 Apr;44(4):1420-5.](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/6423274) Then again, the study report you cited ([Markovitch B, et al.](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1240732/pdf/ehp0110-000169.pdf)) says corn had an effect on estrogen hormone *receptors* in rats. So the idea is that even though corn doesn't influence the amount of female sexual hormones, corn could influence sensitivity to those hormones. Anyway, again, I doubt a trial study of the effect of corn on migraine will be done. And until and unless such a study is done, there's no good reason to believe corn influences migraine. I mean, corn has to wait in line with all the other foods accused of triggering migraines. And the line isn't moving. There are some factors that are associated with migraine. But there's no good evidence of associations between foods and migraine, no good evidence of an association between corn and migraine, no good evidence that a corn-free diet decreases migraine frequency or severity beyond a placebo effect. Investigating the effect of corn on migraine is not the best use of time, effort, and resources. We should instead concentrate our suspicions and investigations on those factors known to cause headache.

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izzismitty: TIFU by dropping an entire tray of food I'm a waitress at an award winning German restaurant, and I have a year of serving experience. I've never dropped a [huge tray of food](http://www.instawares.com/products/2/2700GR-004_127201212707_full.jpg) before. Today, I was carrying 3 people's $50 worth of food, and was holding a [tray stand](http://www.traystandworld.com/Tts2.jpg) in my other hand. I got about 10 feet away (within view of my table). All of a sudden, it just went down...all over the carpet. Thankfully, my table was super cool and understood, since it was a whole lot of food... [deleted]: I've never been a waiter but my mom was a waitress for many years. The amount of bullshit you guys deal with on a regular basis means that you're allowed to make mistakes now and again. I'm surprised this kind of mistake doesn't happen more often. I've seen waitresses carry the most ridiculous amounts of food before and not even spill a single thing. If anything you should be proud of yourself for not doing it more often, I dunno how you guys do it. izzismitty: I mean, I average about 30 hours a week, for 5 shifts, so I do pretty well on getting hours. And the other week, I dropped a tray. Almost died. Good thing the table was good hearted. A lot of people don't understand what servers go through. I actually broke up with a guy once because he didn't tip a good server well. I'm glad you empathize. :) What do you do? [deleted]: I'm a software developer. I always tip well when I can afford to (most of the time) unless the server gives a bad experience - and it still has to be pretty bad for me to not leave a tip. I don't mean mistakes but attitude and things like that - everyone makes mistakes, but if the server acts like they don't even want to be there and couldn't give a rats ass if you look like you might need another refill... But that's the exception generally! Those tips my mom got helped raise two teenage boys and I will never forget that. Whenever I see a waitress I always think of that. izzismitty: You're a good man. How is software developing? I've always found it to be something interesting, but have never understood it very well. I have started to learn HTML code though, and I must admit, it's pretty fun. [deleted]: It's not too bad. There are a lot of good sides to the types of environments I end up working in, usually it involves not having to deal with customers, but sometimes it's unavoidable :) I've been doing it for what seems like forever.. started getting interested in it when I was young kid for some reason. I think if I wasn't doing this I'd be a musician though.. basically had two choices after graduating high school and honestly not sure if I made the right choice or not! Although programming sure pays the bills regularly in a way that music usually doesn't unless you're lucky. I have at least one lucky friend and boy do I envy that guy to the max. When I started with programming I really just started fooling around because I was interested in how it worked. HTML is neat, I built my first web page circa around 95 just using an online tutorial. I'm not sure what your career ideas are like, maybe you want to stay as a waitress and there's nothing wrong with that at all. But if you do think you'd be interested in other things, maybe web design or development etc, I have to say that having gone to college for 4 years.. if you are really interested in the topic, you should try hitting up a business college for one of those 1 year terms. That can get your foot in the door somewhere as a junior and after a few years experience, you are at the same level as everyone else anyway. It's a nice shortcut that will save you time and money :) izzismitty: I plan on going into the medical field after I get my associate's degree :) [deleted]: well that's a billion times cooler and more interesting than writing code! izzismitty: I know how to write HTML code! :D And thank you!!!!

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whiteside1013: TIFU- I cut my balls while shaving. Sooooo much blood... Assistance: Not to sound weird but how bad was the cut rastapasta808: Quit pussyfooting around and just ask him for the pictures. xG33Kx: **OP, SHOW US YOUR BALLS!** whiteside1013: **xG33Kx show me yours first.** Wait fuck that. I dont want to see your herpes. xG33Kx: I couldn't post mine, I don't have a wide angle lens to fit them all in. whiteside1013: All the herpes? xG33Kx: Too much herpes for 1 shot, man.

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iHeartButts: TIFU: Instead of writing a paper that's due tomorrow, I spent the afternoon looking at /r/pegging LeglessCatt: [MFW](http://i.imgur.com/wytBw.gif) going to r/pegging to find out what it was. [deleted]: [my feelings] (http://gif-central.blogspot.com/2012/01/baby-laughing-before-becoming.html) Bazzatron: I think I'll pass on my curiosity and just not go there. 99-LS1-SS: Don't go unless you like strap-ons....lots and lots of strap-ons. Bazzatron: Nothing like this I assume: http://www.escapistmagazine.com/news/view/116917-Behold-the-Magnificently-Awkward-Atari-Strap-On-Swordfighting-Game [SFW]

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evolon: TIFU: Flushed a dogtoy down the toilet. My friend got a pit bull-husky mix, a little puppy named Rocky. I was over there with my little brother, and we were playing with the dog, when all of the sudden my brother [5 years old] has to go to the bathroom. In between the living room where we were and the kitchen was a door that opened into a small bathroom. My brother started peeing in there with the door open. The dog turns to run to investigate, and ends up watching my brother pee. TO get the puppy's attention, I threw his little corn squeaky toy at the dog. But I missed. It bounced off of the door frame, bounced off of the sink counter, then went into the toilet as my brother flushed. The toy got flushed down the toilet. moarCheese: I hope you get your toilet unclogged before you buy a new dog toy... evolon: Wasn't my toilet. Friend asked me to leave right after it happened.

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Caprious: TIFU- Ramen style I cooked Ramen noodles in the microwave. With no water. They caught fire. That's what I get for having other things on my mind. SlackJawedY0kel: Fairly certain I have seen this at least twice before. IAMA_MMA_MAMA_AMA: Strange, I've actually *done* this twice before.. [deleted]: Strangely I've done this twice before as well.

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[deleted]: TIFU- sent a crazy bitch e-mail Today I sent a crazy bitch e-mail to someone I used to hook up with and was in the process of trying to befriend again after many months of not speaking. Let's just say it was multiple paragraphs. And maybe makes reference to how I felt "disrespected." He now must think I am annoying and perhaps the craziest woman on the planet, but all I want more than anything is to just unsend the damn thing and move on. chaneen: Remember when everyone used AOL and you could actually un-send an email? That was the best for moments like these. Wanderlustfull: GMail's unsend option is awesome. More people should use it. creepingdeathv2: There is an unsend option in Gmail ? Wanderlustfull: I think you have to enable it in Google labs, but yeah, there is. You can even specify how long after you've sent it you have to unsend it. GrouchyMcSurly: It's only a "click here in the next 5 seconds to undo sending" thing. It's not a next-day solution. Or even next minute. But I still use it a lot (relatively speaking). Wanderlustfull: I think you can actually set the amount of time available for an undo though. How does next day unsend work?

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[deleted]: TIFU I thought I was running late to work and actually showed up an hour and a half early. hansthecleverhorse: Ugh that's the worst. One time I took a nap right after work, and woke up at 7:30 PM. I thought it was 7:30 AM (had to work at 8), so I actually showered, got dressed for work, and drove about halfway there before I realized that the sun was in the wrong part of the sky for morning. Fuck that. RandomMandarin: How do you drive in a horse costume? hansthecleverhorse: [I guess it's not *driving*, exactly.](http://i.imgur.com/KukEV.jpg) RandomMandarin: Awwww.

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safebrowseatwork: Why would it? Honest mistake, these things happen. creepingdeathv2: Well, it actually might. Because they would see his cover letter twice and may assume that he is desperate and spamming them. This stuff does happen, unfortunately. GoatOfUnflappability: It might, but it's better than sending no resume at all. A single line at the top of the second submission ("Oops sorry" in professional speak) should clear up the confusion.

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rappster123: TIFU I met a really awesome girl on omegle and even got her email. Then i proceeded to close the tab with out saving the email address Feels bad man. Me and my friends talked to her for a while. She was pretty cool and very attractive. But i fucking lost the email address. here is a bad picture (but the only picture i have) of her http://imgur.com/1OTiz [deleted]: CTRL-SHIFT-T niggaaaa. Stares_at_walls: You idiot. Omegle doesn't work like that.

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digitalixus: TIFU I hit the curb at 10 mph, am I going to be okay? Ran around town doing errands from car shopping to grocery shopping using my friend's car today. After 3 hours, I was at my last stop: to get my hair cut. Decided to drop by Mcdonalds since I was so hungry and tired; day dreaming while parking, I accidentally ran into the curb at some 10-15 mph. It was high enough for the car to not go over but the car did bounce a little and I got the shock of my life. Even the guy getting out in the car next to me was like 'rough landing huh?'. I've never ran into anything before and I'm a very paranoid person. Any idea if being jerked forwards slightly at that speed is okay for my body? My paranoid brain is starting to nitpick for any weird feelings in my body and blame it on that. I was alone while my friend went off somewhere. I returned the car to him with a poker face without mentioning my embarrassing hopeless parking incident. smeehrrr: You're probably fine, but a sudden shock like that *can* wake up your brain worms. If you have brain worms. Which you probably do. nwbenj: Happened to my uncle. Damn those brain worms. TBizzcuit: OP, there aren't really brain worms. smeehrrr: Of course, one of the symptoms of advanced brain worm infection is the steadfast denial of the existence of brain worms.

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Meme666: TIFU when I got blood all over a 250 year old piece of fine art. I cut my fingers on the sharp edge of raw plexie glass while reframing it, didn't notice, and when I put the art back in the frame I was wondering if those red smears were always there and then it hit me... nefD: pics Switchitis: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/159/326/Op_will_surely_deliver_RE_Weird_Video_Game_Facts_Part_7-s500x375-138152.jpg GrouchyMcSurly: Go back to 4chan. T3HK4T: Get off of reddit. Nobody needs more "get back to 4chan/9gag " fags. orbat: Yeah, we need more people who use "fag" as an insult. user_reformed: ^this fag is correct!

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studio595: TIFU: Made myself a teriyaki rice bowl, went to grab soy sauce, instead grabbed a packet of old mayonaise. Ruined a perfectly good teriyaki bowl with this fuck up. I have a little stash of condiments that I save after I go somewhere. I thought I grabbed soy sauce, only to realize I grabbed mayonaise (that expired a year ago). Gagged from the smell and nearly threw up. [deleted]: Once I put a shitload of salt into my coffee instead of sugar. T3HK4T: Was it worth it? [deleted]: 1/10 would not mistakenly add again.

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[deleted]: TIFU by getting my junk bit. NSFW This is my cousin using my Reddit account-- So basically I was having sex with this girl and she was giving me a blowjob. Okay, nothing strange there. However, while she was doing that her dog (who hates my guts) bit her in the ass and caused her to bite my dick! Blood; everywhere; still can't pee properly. I got mad at the dog and attempted to kick it, but she stopped me and said it was my fault! She has not talked to me since. And by the way, try peeing, with a fucking triple stream, every fucking time you pee! It hurts like hell too and is completely swollen. Yeah, I fucked up, big time. Did I mention one of the condoms broke? seven_wings: Doesn't matter, had sex! button613: Upvoting Obama approves.

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HealthyandHappy: TIFU: Tried to walk up a flight of stairs to poop and get a bath by myself one week after knee surgery. Today was the first day by which I was permitted to get a shower, and I was hell bent on getting rid of the smell of ass and dried blood that has accumulated over my body since surgery. The problem with this is that all of the showers/bath tubs are on the second floor, and I am an incredibly poor crutch user. My options were to wait for my sister to come home and help me, call someone to come and help, or do it on my own. I, in a percocet fueled stint of courage decided that I can accomplish this and clean my ass of the stank that infests it. As I approached the stairs, I had no fear. Two steps in, however, and the stair summit began to look like [this](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/4b/Everest_kalapatthar_crop.jpg) 10 minutes later I complete my journey and feel as if I made this [guy](http://www.yourdiscovery.com/dni-media/photogallery-tool/mu-16/media-28030-98257.jpg) look like a filthy casual. I go to celebrate my victory by spending time with the [throne](http://www.worldofkitsch.com/objects/images/home_bathroom_toilet.jpg) that I've been unable to rule over since surgery. While laying claim to my throne I look over and notice that I am about to suffer a fate worse than the [black death](http://blog.toiletpaperworld.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/no-toilet-paper.jpg). Do I try to get up and venture to the other bathroom in my search of paper gold, or do I convert to Islam for 5 minutes and clean myself up? I try calling a friend of mine to explain the situation, but he refused to pick up his phone. I ended up having to leave a voice message, which I wish I could upload on here. I decide to take the risk of finding toilet paper in the other bathroom, and am rewarded for taking said risk. Being freshly pooped and wiped, I decide that it is time to take my bath. While filling the tub I debate what my technique for getting into the tub will be, and I decide on doing the reverse of [this](http://www.irvinehousingblog.com/images/made/images/uploads/200973/belly-flop_300_272.jpg). My form was flawless, and I managed to get into the tub without getting my surgical knee excessively wet. After cleaning up, I realize that there's absolutely no way I'm getting out of this bath tub. I end up having to call my sister and letting her know the situation. She is not happy, but at least she's not the one in [this](http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRabUhM6J-1gB4bLz8x64tHco4_z9dTSzjmPnzgeFzx2p3GwpkcKCdTS40O) situation. She comes home, and throws me a pair of my swim trunks telling me to put them on before she'll help me out of the tub. I tell her that there's no way I could get them on over the brace, and being the ass that I am make a joke about how I at least look good naked. She has a nasty temper and is upset enough that she decided to leave me in the bath tub. Two hours later I decide that my only options are to make an escape, or call an ambulance. I should mention that this entire process thus far has taken 4-5 hours, and the effects of my percocets are wearing off. Knowing that I need to make it to my happy pills before they wear off, I attempt to make my [escape](http://blog.oregonlive.com/ent_impact_tvfilm/2008/04/harold-kumar.jpg). I put all my strength into lifting my gimp body out of the shower, and manage to fall onto the floor. I realize that I forgot to bring a towel, and the only towels are downstairs in the laundry room. Knowing that I don't have the strength to lift myself up, I do a butt crawl across the floor, naked and soaking wet. My sister wasn't kind enough to let me know beforehand that when she came home she brought friends over, As they stare at me, I attempt to make a glamour [pose](http://dontweightaround.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/fat_lady.jpg)... It is about as flattering as the image I associated it with. I've also not engaged in any sort of penile pleasure, even masturbatory since my last girlfriend, as my heart is still sore. Because of this, I'm dealing with [this more than a viagra addict](http://farm5.staticflickr.com/4067/4532853252_22d27e8642.jpg). Eventually, I butt bounce my way down the stairs, make it to the laundry room, dry up, and return to my couch kingdom that I have built. As terrible as the whole situation was, I'm feeling like [this guy right now](http://www.shadowandact.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/isaiah_mustafa_old_spice_scene.jpg). I then reward myself with narcotics and call it a day. Moral of the story? [Fuck hygiene](http://biologicalphotography.files.wordpress.com/2011/04/dirty-man.jpg) Edit-TLDR: Got knee surgery, crutched up the stairs so that I could poop and shower in my bathroom. Bathroom was out of toilet paper, and then I got stuck in the shower. Forgot to bring a towel so I had to butt crawl across my house while my sister and her friends were here. inflexiblemadness: Your sister sounds kinda mean, however I did appreciate all the pictures you used in your story. I am a visual learner. Why did you have knee surgery? HealthyandHappy: Congenital. My dad had a double knee replacement at 40. inflexiblemadness: That's pretty crappy.

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Thornar68: TIFU by leaving my keys in the ignition of my truck at the light rail station Went to the platform a few minutes early, had a cigarette and went into work. An hour later when I reach in my pocket for my lighter I realize my keys aren't there. I called my friend and had him go and get them out, thankfully my truck was still there. Pinky676767: [today i fucked up?](http://i1.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/001/253/everything_went_better_than_expected.jpg) Thornar68: In retrospect, yes, quite so.

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blahblahblah10: TIFU I completely missed a Narwhal call from a potential employer. Yep. Completely ignored it. Why? I don't know. I'm an idiot. I quipped about a couple other things....but fuck. Totally fucked up. s50cal: I'm sorry but what the hell is a narwhal call? My google fu's failed me. withmorten: I would like to know this as well. yayapfool: It sounds like his employer said "When does the narwhal bacon?" and he didn't answer...that's what it seems like, it's a Reddit thing. Exploding_Poodle: wut? Edit: urban dictionary is my friend yayapfool: Ah, my bad, i could have explained that better, haha.

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SpartaWillBurn: TIFU: Asked a fat girl if she was pregnant. Yikes. quiddletoes: You never, ever.. EVER. EVARRR do this. With most pregnant women, it usually comes up into conversation -somehow- if they're pregnant. That's the only time you comment on it. Some women who have given birth already, still look very pregnant for a little while after. Even if you've personally determined, through observation of said woman, that she is 100% pregnant you don't say anything until she 100% tells you. DeadPlayerWalking: You have 100% of my upvotes. Also, don't rub the "preggo bump" unless she a) 100% tells you, and b) is 100% ok with you touching her. ladyfenring: Yes! When I was pregnant I had freaking strangers come up to me in public and touch my stomach without asking or even saying a word. WTF people? I'm not a dog, don't pet my belly. [deleted]: If they do that, rub their boobs / junk depending on sex. When they disapprove, just feign surprise and tell them you thought it was some sort of new greeting that you weren't aware of since you went off Facebook. inflexiblemadness: Damn, I wish I was a woman so I could do that.

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[deleted]: TIFU: I peed in the women's dressing room Yes, I peed in the women's dressing room at Burlington. I felt the urge to use the restroom once I got there, but I never like asking people if they have restrooms, and I didn't bother looking. Thinking I could hold it in while I tried on a few clothes, I started to do the "pee dance" and thought to myself 'Ha, wouldn't it be funny if I just peed in here?', then it got worse- I couldn't hold it anymore, so I took my pants and undies off, squatted, and had the longest, most shameful pee of my life. I stayed in there for about an hour, hoping the huge stain would dry up, but it didn't.. I waited until the coast was clear, booked it, and went over to the cash register to pay for my stuff. As I was waiting, I heard the speaker go on, asking for assistance in the lady's dressing room. I assumed it was for that reason.. I feel so embarrassed, Reddit. I really hope no one knew it was me. This is a throwaway account, by the way. zimmer199: I have a story that might make you feel better. So I was a young guy, 15 to be exact. I was going through a punk/ oy! phase where I wanted to show authority I was boss and nobody told me what to do. Well, me and some friends were cruising at the mall looking for shocks and giggles. My friend was on a leash, half the time down on all four/s. He was getting some looks, so my other friend decided to up the ante by tossing coins into the fountain from the second floor while patrons below feared getting hit. After security told us to cut it out, we went to look at clothes. I wanted to come out on top so I went to try on some pants. When I got in the dressing room, I peed in it. In my defense, I was youngish and thought it was funny/ sticking it to the man. I came out and told my friends, and they were like "dude, that's just fucked up." They didn't talk to me much after that. I'm still embarrassed about it 10 years later. **TL,DR: Pissed in a dressing room, thought it was badass, Oh God Why?** TheMuslinCrow: > I was going through a punk/ oy! phase Oy vey...

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ImNotElric: TIFU... noticed halfway home I had a flat tire, decided to "fuck it, I can make it", realized the tire was destroyed when I finally arrived. So I was at a friend's house and decided to come back home, it was already about 1am and I just wanted to get to my house and chill, when I noticed I had a flat tire.... I thought it wasn't bad at all and just kept pushing home instead of changing it; when I got home I realized that the tire was irreparable from my rolling it flat and I'm going to have to get a new one this weekend D: luckily I have a spare tire which actually works, so I'm good for now Dano420: You thought you could just ride out a flat tire until you got home? Lesson learned. ImNotElric: Indeed; it wasn't even like my friend's house is really far or anything, it's about 10-15 mins max so I decided to risk it, and failed miserably Aftwerwards I had to change it at 2am anyway hahahahaha asnof: Are you blonde? ImNotElric: no, I'm hispanic SoftShock2294: Who says you can't be blonde of you're hispanic? Right.. nature..

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wants_to_understand: TIFU: Ordered 8 gb RAM for my new rig. Turns out it's laptop RAM I don't know how I derped this hard. ROOKIE MISTAKE MandersMcManderson: Indeed. Bet you won't make THAT mistake again. Have to pay attention to the pin count / form factor. This can eaaily happen with CPU's wants_to_understand: Yeah. Since then I've ordered the correct RAM, but I'll remember this for as long as I live

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ragefrox: TIFU... didn't turn the gas on for the ovens at work, and tried to cook food anyway So, today I had the opening shift at the restaurant I work in. I'm a prep/line cook, so I should know how to work everything in my kitchen, yes? Well, I thought I did anyway. My supervisor usually opens with me and is pretty much always already there when I come in (we're a bit slack on sign ins as long as it's not obnoxious), so I usually never have to be the one to turn everything on. But today, it was just me and one of the new guys for the first hour. I thought everything was going well, except the chickens in the oven wasn't cooking at all. In fact, the oven wasn't even hot! I checked the dials and the fan switch, but couldn't figure out the problem. After fiddling around a bit, I suddenly came across a small switch near the bottom. The gas. So, I ended up putting our prep behind 45 minutes. And had to explain to my supervisor why we weren't completely ready for service by the time he came in. I got a written warning and got treated like an idiot all shift. IAMA_MMA_MAMA_AMA: I tried cooking scrambled eggs four ~15 minutes yesterday for dinner with the stove off. Just kept stirring away, hoping I didn't double the milk or anything. So very glad I live alone when I do these sorts of things. At least you didn't try serving the raw chicken to anyone, right? Had frozen chicken wings brought to my family one time. (Well, frozen but lukewarm as if they microwaved it for a minute and plopped them in a basket..) ragefrox: gross. that is really unprofessional IAMA_MMA_MAMA_AMA: Shitty, small city "Italian Pizzeria" sort of joint; maybe wings were a bad idea to begin with.

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[deleted]: TIFU.. I met a really cool british guy in Vegas and now I dont have any way of contacting him. I met a really cool guy in Vegas, but opted for whatever reason to not leave my phone number or anything else. Even if he never took the opportunity to contact me, Im regretting that I never gave it the chance. MattF87: My British friend was in Vegas last week! Do you have anything that would allow me to work out if it's him? letxloose: Well the guy I met was with about 3 or 4 other guys MattF87: Probably not him sorry. Think he was there alone. I'm sorry. Hope you find him. letxloose: Haha Im not counting on it! But thanks anyways =)

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wintertash: TIFU Criticized a Gay Marriage Ad That Everyone Loves I'm a blogger for one of the big LGBT politics and culture blogs. I wrote a pretty harsh critique of a new UK gay marriage ad that I didn't like, only to find that I'm apparently the only queer person on *the planet* who felt that way. I wrote it when tired and may not have explained my points all that well, so now people who've read it think I'm either an idiot or have no heart. EDIT: spelling TheMagicUpvoteFairy: Did you take the post down? If not, are you willing to post it on here? Also, what was the advert? wintertash: Here's [the post,](http://www.bilerico.com/2012/04/what_do_you_make_of_britains_new_marriage_ad.php) and the advert is embedded in it muonicdischarge: I think your argument wasn't too bad, but I did like that commercial. It may have used military as a means to soften the view of the man, as well as making them both attractive, white, and non-flamboyantly gay as to make it easier to accept the image, but by showing the guy meeting with his girlfriend first, then the two men, it also sort of painted an image that it was the same sort of love, the same sort of meeting, and it made it seem more beautiful to those who think it less so. I will agree that you might have not explained your points thoroughly enough, but I got your point and think that it was a perfectly valid critique. However, for the purpose of the ad (lightening the image of gay marriage in the public eye, I assume), I think it does pretty well.

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JusCallMeCyn: TIFU by forgetting to throw away the 64 ounce bottle of grape juice that's been sitting in my room for about a month. It exploded. Proof? K. It's a webcam picture but that's all I have right now, and honestly, I'm a wee bit too pissed off to take more pictures. I will tomorrow, and I might update this. Maybe. http://i.imgur.com/rUn7n.jpg Keep in mind that's a picture of about a four foot space. The next few days should be FUN cleaning this up. :) **Edit, I also forgot how to measure today. imawaffle: This reminds me of a story. It might be a little long so I've included a tl;dr, although I think it's worth the read. So we had a bunch of family at Valley Fair. Me and my cousin went back to the car, getting kinda bored, and hungry. We open up the cooler, have a bite to eat, and a drink. I finish my whole Powerade, and realize I really have to pee. Valley Fair parking lot is big. I wouldn't make it. My cousin: "Just pee in the bottle.". Fuck it. Peed in the bottle. To the rim. Powerade bottles are pretty big, considering. It was so full, I showed my cousin. We laugh. It looked like a full Powerade. We joked about giving it to my other cousin, but I wouldn't have wanted to be the one who's piss was drank, So I decided to wedge it under the car next to my aunt's truck, thinking we'd be gone before we got to see the damages. Rest of the family comes back, and decides we'd hang around the trunk of the cars for a while, eat and talk. Me and my cousin kept eyeballing eachother, and the car my piss was sitting under. An hour and a half later, we decide it's time to go. Yes! Getting away Scott free! I hear laughter behind us. I whip around. 4 hot girls are walking towards their car. THE car. My piss was under that car!! I start nudging us towards the car. Telling everyone to go NOW. I was in to deep! What could I do? Everyone kept telling me to hold on. Oh god. Their engine started. I ran to my mom's car. Locked. I open up my aunt's passenger door and hop in. I close my eyes and put my hands on my head. They start to move. What happened next... My aunt's will never let me live it down.. Two of my aunt's are standing between the hot chick car, and the truck. Their faces, my aunt's truck, the inside of my aunt's truck. Luckily I didn't get hit, even though I was in the truck. The girls screamed out "What was that?!". My cousin was on the ground, laughing his ass off. My one aunt (completely oblivious) thinks one of the Powerades fell and rolled under and says "Oh, sorry. It was one of ours. Must've fell." The girls leave without another word, and my aunt's proceed to clean up the inside of the truck, and wash their faces off. The aunt who owned the truck tries wiping the inside of her windshield. "It keeps smearing" she yells out. I couldn't hold it in. "It's my piss!!!" Everyone stopped moving. Everyone staring at me. Their reactions were as expected, and not worth explaining. We joked about it on the ride home, but every time it's brought up nowadays, it's met with anger, and dirty looks. I'll never forget that. **TL;DR Peed in bottle in Valley Fair Parking lot. Threw it under a car. The explosion hit my aunts truck. Her window was open. Lots of stares and anger** GashcatUnpunished: >"It's my piss!!!" I.... I can't breathe [deleted]: I picture awkward penguin when read that part.

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iloveyou_lastchance: TIFU! I might lose my girlfriend who I love with all of my heart because I need to calm down a little and trust her more. PLEASE HELP. We had a fight which seemed like nothing but apparently it isn't. We have a tonne of fun together. We both love each other. She really is my everything, I love everything about her and I hate when I'm grumpy like this. I hate myself for even the thought of losing her. The thought of going downstairs and she isn't there just breaks me up. She is coming home today and she says she still loves me. So I hope it is good news. Can anyone please give me any help or advice to help me keep her? I've tried spilling and breaking my heart to her but apparently it might not be enough. I don't know what else I can do to show and or tell her. p.s She went out to have some space with some friends. I've done as best as I can and I've not texted her in 12+ hours to give her a break. I really hope it works out in my favour. TBizzcuit: R/askreddit R/relationshipadvice Those subreddits could probably help you better iloveyou_lastchance: Thanks man.

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asnof: TIFU I submitted a fuckup in this subreddit but it got removed due to formatting. epic_comebacks: Protip: It's called sex buddy. asnof: [Im not your buddy, guy](http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20070816055923/scratchpad/images/d/d6/Terrance-and-phillip.gif)

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imawaffle: TIFU: TI(might have)FU: I led my best friend's mom on without realizing it.. Still don't understand what I did. I guess, being that it's 4 in the morning, this happened yesterday. Anyways, I seen my best friend's mom the day before yesterday. Hung out for a while (she's like a second mom to me). We talked. Talked about her failing relationship. Mine. Life. Jobs. Etc. Catch up stuff. Well yesterday she texted me. "What are you doing?" I was working, and simply told her what I was doing. Next message: "Well this is wierd! I'm attracted to you!" I thought she was joking. I said "Haha. Well, to be completely honest, I don't know how to respond to that".. It escalated. I'm not gonna give you a run down of everything, unless it's really necessary. Long story short, she starts getting sexual, asking things like "I can only imagine what it feels like to kiss those lips." I stopped texting back. I have re read all those messages a hundred times, and just don't see what the hell happened. I call a friend, and she was like "She's totally a MILF! Go for it! She's hot as hell for a 40 year old." Well, what the shit? I'm not going to fuck my best friend's mom (thought about it, to be honest, but I'm not the type to do that). And tomorrow (today) I'm going back over there (had plans), and don't know what to expect. Couldn't go without telling Reddit. :P **TL;DR: Best friend's mom apparently wants me. Sent slightly sexual(intimate) messages. What the hell just happened?** EDIT: For all of those that are curious, I will be updating sometime tonight. I see her in about 5 hours. I don't have internet on the go, so I won't be able to update for about 7. And don't worry HBNichols. I got your back. UPDATE: Okay, so this is a really late update. I apologize. I had no access to the internet at their house. So apparently she does this to all of my friend's friends. She goes around sleeping with them. My friend's boyfriend even. I've known her 10 years, and never knew that. Many apologies were had, and I told her it was no problem. I'm sorry guys. I know you were all hoping for a big "Omg! We fucked and it was awesome" story, But I couldn't do it. It'd be like sleeping with my mom. Just not gonna happen. Anyways, she apologized. And we moved on. My friend's twins are here, so it's been pretty busy. Not a whole lot of time to sit and talk about it or anything. Just kinda pretending it didn't happen. If something does happen (still possible), I'll be sure to update, or post a new post so all of those curious will be able to find out. Any questions regarding, comment. I'll get around to it. Going to a March Of Dimes in a few, so don't expect a response right away, but I'll make sure to get around to answering all your questions or whatever. leep420: Since she is like a mother figure and you want to bang the daughter you simply can't do it. Then again the chances of you banging the daughter aren't 100% like the mother so that makes things a tad more difficult. What would you prefer? A potential fuck or a guaranteed one with full blown cougar giving who will give you some of the best sex you'll ever have? Gotta remember the older girls are comparable to teenage boys with their sexual appetites.... Personally I'd go for it, but the only you can make the final decision. If you need any more help I recommend flipping a coin because after you have picked sides you'll know which side you want it to land on before it hits the ground. imawaffle: *squints* How do you know what I want to do to her daughter? *Edited this part out. Don't know who's who when it comes to the Reddit game, and that would have sparked a very bad conversation between me and certain people.* That coin thing is a very smart idea. I mean, I already knew which way I leaned, but that just kinda sets it in stone.. Never really thought of that as a technique. [deleted]: kinda. It DOES make you a terrible best friend. In reality your just this dude that wants her. Not the same thing douche bag. imawaffle: To be fair, I've kept that to myself since the 4th grade. And never let it get in the way of my best friend duties. [deleted]: nigga you beta as FUCK aren't you? imawaffle: Uh... What? [deleted]: The opposite of Alpha male. In modern society an Alpha male not only requires physical prowess, but also confidence and attitude. The Beta male of modern society usually, only has one of these traits, if any. The Beta male tends to be smart, quiet and unconfrontational. If lucky, beta males can get a hot chick once in her 30's, after she's tired of fucking the Alpha Males, and decides to settle down with a beta male for money and stability. Alpha Males get everything, Beta Males get the left overs. It's a little thing called "Life"... A beta male is a male who buys into the feminist lie that men should be subservient to women. He believes that being submissive to a woman, caring, and gentle, will result in her returning his affection. He believes that he must buy women things in order to garner their attention. He does not understand that women desire confidence and willpower in a man. example: Pete was a beta male because he bought the girl he just met at the bar a drink, making his subservience to her clear. He won't be getting laid tonight. imawaffle: Ow.. That's quite possibly, roughly 75% correct. Is there a middle ground to this? Eh. Shit happens. I'm happy where I am. :) [deleted]: as long as your happy I guess. drgradus: Also, the world is full of pricks who think that they can subdivide half of the population into two types and that they're automatically in the "preferable" one. Pay no heed to this guy's posts, he has no idea what he's talking about. P.S. >you're FTFY EDIT: The reason "beta"s pass on their genes is that Alphas went lion hunting and the betas comforted the widows. [deleted]: sounds like some beta-ass bullshit to me drgradus: That, and we *definitely* have nicer asses than Alphas. [deleted]: I'm gonna have to agree. How about doing a little spinaroo for me? drgradus: From the back: o -||- db _||_ [deleted]: Mmmm. Yeah. That's good. Now triforce for daddy. do it.

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[deleted]: TIFU -I unknowingly took my neighbour's dog to the SPCA. My dog was barking madly, so I took a look outside and found this gorgeous but thin dog trying to play with my fella. He was friendly and sweet, so I fed him a bit of dog food and a drink of water. Because we have a lot of dogs and cats being dropped in my neighbourhood which borders farmland, I assumed this was the case. It turns out he lives two doors down and I should probably go outside more often. Edit Update: I can happily report that dog and family were reunited on Friday. B0FH_420: No tags? No tags not your problem. Nightshade3312: Got 99 problems but a tag ain't one. doodlebro: HIT ME SPAZZEH: *hits* bad dog.

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BeavMcloud: TIFU: A simple responsibility gone terribly wrong. This happened yesterday. I didn't have enough time to post yesterday, so here it goes. Also, note that I'm only fourteen. I had to watch over my uncle's house for a day until (what I thought to be) around noon. It was a simple task. My only responsibility was to lock the door to the garage and lock the door in the garage that leads inside the house. I woke up at 9:30 (long week, had to sleep in). Me, being stupid, mindlessly decided to lock the doors already even though I had three hours to do so. I picked up the key and placed it in my pocket. For some idiotic reason, I took the key out and put it on a table RIGHT next to the door. I opened the door, and went to go lock the other door at the far end of the garage. I went back to find the door had closed behind me. The key. My cell phone. My change of clothes. Everything was ripped away from me. The door... was somehow locked. I blame it on ghosts. So here I was, in cold Indiana weather, freezing my ass off in a garage. Note that I was wearing just shorts and a t-shirt. I tried my best to pick the lock of the door, but I failed. This shit went on for an hour at least. I decided to UNLOCK the other door of the garage and go outside to find another way in. I made sure to keep a stopper on the door in case the ghosts strike again... Except... They did. I came back, and now this door had somehow shut behind me. "FUCK!" I thought. "SHIT!" I said. I ran to the last safe haven available: the barn. I got inside the barn (luckily the fucking door wasn't locked), and sat in one spot for another hour. By the way, I was starting to get a cold, and swallowing snot from a runny nose can result in full-on sickness, so every chance I had, I spit a big ole' nasty snotwad on the ground. Back to the story. I didn't even know what the time was. Was it eleven o'clock? Eleven-thirty? Noon? I had no idea. It was still cold. Colder, actually. I was now starting to panic (I stayed very calm prior to this believe it or not). I started to talk to myself and spoke a very depressing monologue that made me realize what a fucking dumbass I was. I should've written that shit down. Poetry, it was. So, it was probably about noon-ish, and my ballsack looked like a dried raisin. Actual size, too. I needed heat. I decided to run back to the house and look for an entry. Bam. I finally found one. The basement door. LOCKED, DAMMIT! It was a double-door. I tried and tried again to bash them open. Close I was, but to no avail. Finally, I rushed that shit, and my asshole became loose with the feeling of bliss. It was open. Barely. To make my morning worse, these doors had three locks! The standard lock, the kind you find on dog cages, and the kind you find on hotel doors. I broke through the standard and "dog cage" locks, but the "hotel" lock wasn't phased. There was no possible way I was breaking through that. Then I realized I just broke my uncle's door. Shit. Still locked out, hopeless, my mom came in the nick of time. Bitch came an hour late! One o'clock! Oh well, I was jubilant just to see another person. We went home, and I've decided to leave this day behind and erase it from my memory. Reddit will be only the place to find my story. Thank you for reading about my shit day. TL;DR: had to lock doors, ghosts, locked out of house, no key, no phone, cold weather, raisin nutsack, four hours, got home. [deleted]: Your asshole became loose with the feeling of bliss? BeavMcloud: You just don't understand how amazing the small influx of heat that shot out of the crack of the doors barely opening felt like on my body. I was at peace for a split second, causing my anus to relax in sync with the rest of my body. Ambediah: You are the most eloquent 14 year old who has ever lived. Either that or KIDS THESE DAYS WITH THEIR CURSING AND ANUSES AND WHAT NOT. BeavMcloud: At least I didn't say, "Mah body felt suh gooh, my asswhole open up. Pretty fuckin' awsum, rite?" -_- Please don't compare me to kids these days. Ambediah: If that phrase were autotuned, you'd be spot on. :)

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CiaccoRocco: TIFU: A series of misfortunate events This happened a bit back, but here it goes: I commute to school, and its about a 15 - 20 minute drive from where I live. One day I was really low on cash and had to put gas in my car, so I put what I thought would be enough to get one more trip back and forth before I can get paid and fill it up properly. I made it there no problem, and was about 1/4 of a mile away from my exit on the highway when the car sputtered and died. I pulled over to the shoulder and went over my options. Decided that I could walk to the gas station, get a gallons worth and everything would be fine. Well, I get out of the car and realize that I didn't want to walk that far. Mind you, its raining at this time. So I go to go back in my car, and the door is locked with the keys in the ignition. After about 15 minutes a stranger pulls up in his truck and without saying a word produces a gas can and goes to fill up my car when I stop him because...my gas tank cover has a lock because I had my gas siphoned a few times and the key for that is with the others in my car. Parents finally came to help me out, and spilled gasoline all over me and the car. TL;DR Had no gas for 16 mile trip, ran out on parkway, locked self out of car in rain, declined a strangers help because the gas tank was locked, got gasoline accidentally poured all over me by parents Stinkfist94: Can i presume that you're a woman? CiaccoRocco: Fucking up is not gender discriminatory Stinkfist94: I'll take that as a yes. Getting help from strangers can be rather gender discriminatory and the general ditzy nature of the post. CiaccoRocco: Not a woman. Not a ridiculously photogenic guy either. Just some poor sap who had the worst week ever. I should update it to include everything else that had happened. It was a truly interesting week. Stinkfist94: See, now i think you're just lying to me. Edit: Don't think this anymore.

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Icheatedlikeanidiot: TIFU and cheated on a test and was caught. What do I do from here? Well not today technically, but rather on Friday. I'm a senior in high school and on Friday I was taking a multiple choice test in my AP European history class. I had studied and prepared fairly adequately for it but I made the mistake of looking at someone else's test and was caught. My teacher called me out and talked to me after class. He explained to me that I would get a 0 on the test and I apologized an moved on. I still feel awful about what I did though, how can I get over this feeling Reddit? Also my parents have not found out yet and they are bound to eventually, so how do I handle them? redblue30: When you're caught cheating, you have two options: tell the truth, or lie. You chose the wiser, cleaner option. So, feel better knowing that. Going forward, don't do it again. Sneaking a look at other people's papers is risky -- you can get caught red-handed, or the work you copied may be flat out wrong. It was a dumb move, so own it, and move on. Your parents may never find out. Hopefully, they'll find out far from now, when this will just be a funny little story -- funny, because you never did anything like this again. You know your parents better than the people here do. However, if you're thinking about coming clean, remember to consider whether you're doing it for them, or if you're just trying to make yourself feel better. Icheatedlikeanidiot: Thanks for the detailed answer! The point about owning up to it and moving on is exactly what I need to do. However I forgot to mention that conferences are coming up on May 10. My parents don't know about them yet and I don't plan on telling them about it. If they do find out though and go I'm sure my teacher will say something to them and they will know. How should I confront them about this? redblue30: Before I answer your question: Personally, I'd let them be blissfully ignorant, if possible. Depending on your relationship with the teacher, you could ask if he'll be discussing the incident with your parents at conferences. If no, move on. If yes, get to confessing. To answer your question: be upfront, be honest, be mature, and prepared for the backlash. You already got 0 on your test -- a point which might get you out of any further punishment. Again, you know them better than me.