| ==Phrack Inc.== | |
| Volume Two, Issue 13, Phile #9 of 10 | |
| [+] Rag [+] Rag [+] Rag [+] Rag [+] Rag [+] Rag [+] Rag [+] | |
| ||-----------------------------------------------------|| | |
| || || | |
| || ______The Executioner______ || | |
| || PHRACK XIII| |PHRACK XIII || | |
| || ------------ Thanks: Knight Lightning ------------ || | |
| || |PHRACK INC| The Phreakazoid! |PHRACK INC| || | |
| || --------------------------------------------------- || | |
| || | | || | |
| || | Phreak Klass |The Best of Sexy-Exy| Phreak Klass| || | |
| || | 806-799-0016 |--------------------| 806-799-0016| || | |
| || | EDUCATE |(c) 1987 Sexy-Exy TM| EDUCATE | || | |
| || | | | | || | |
| || | | Released April 1 | | || | |
| || | | || | |
| || --------------------------------------------------- || | |
| [+]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]RAG[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[+] | |
| Welcome to "The Best of Sexy-Exy", a conglomoration of | |
| rags/insults that have been gathered over the past year or | |
| so. All rags are original and are the creation of my genius | |
| mind. I think that this installment is appropriate for the | |
| 13th issue of PHRACK. | |
| NO rags are to be taken seriously, they are merely for | |
| entertainment. | |
| There have been events beyond my control during the | |
| process of writing this file, they are enclosed in "**". | |
| Thank you. | |
| ============================================================ | |
| "Doc Holiday: The man, The myth, The Loze" | |
| Doc Holiday is a man of many diverse talents. I think it's | |
| my place to let the whole world know just how much of a | |
| mental giant he is. | |
| ------------------------------------------------------------ | |
| First, let's discuss how he manages to engineer the toughest | |
| of AT&T's network men. Here is a typical conversation | |
| between Doc and AT&T. I will interject my comments in | |
| between the brackets [ and ]. Doc will be represented by a | |
| DH. | |
| <RING> | |
| AT&T: Hello, AT&T directory assistance, may I help you? | |
| [Boy, this guy is a REAL powerhouse to engineer, | |
| think MAYBE Doc will be able to get anything from | |
| him?] | |
| DH: Hi, this is Pee Wee Herman from Illiois Bell, DA waste | |
| removal. I am having a problem connecting an inter- | |
| office call, do you think you could give me the number | |
| to the SCC in area code 201? | |
| [Gee, he picked a REAL important reason to call didn't | |
| he?] | |
| AT&T: Well, sir, I don't think I can do that, I can give | |
| you the number for the business office, maybe they can | |
| help you. (AT&T thinks: bahehahhe, stupid kid). | |
| <RING> | |
| NJ BELL: Hello, New Jersey Bell, all operaters are busy now, | |
| please hold, and your call will taken in turn. | |
| DH: Ho hum...[unzips his pants] | |
| NJ BELL: [Elevator music] | |
| DH: ahhhhh...[Doc, why is your left hand having spasms?] | |
| NJ BELL: Hello, New Jersey Bell, this is Susan. | |
| DH: Uh, yeah, hold on a sec...[wiping away the fluid from | |
| reciever.] | |
| DH: Uh yeah, this is Dick Little, from Illinois Bell, I was | |
| wondering if you could give me your 201 CN/A? | |
| [Uh, Doc, hate to break this to you, but 201 has | |
| no CN/A.] | |
| NJ BELL: Uh yeah, hold on... | |
| [NJ BELL: Must be one of those trainees, they have | |
| to get because of affirmative action.] | |
| NJ BELL: I'm sorry, I can't give you that number. | |
| DH: Well, here in this small town, it's kinda hard to get | |
| around, so could you please give me someone I can refer | |
| to? | |
| [At this time, Doc's dog wanders into his room, and | |
| begins to bark and snarl and generally acts like | |
| Doc's mom.] | |
| DH: Uh, y'know, this town is SO small, you can hear the dog | |
| barking across the street. [Wow, fast thinker] | |
| DH: I'm not used to this small town, I'm used to a big city. | |
| NJ BELL: Oh, what town are you in? | |
| DH: Uh, it's this little town outside Illinois. | |
| [Hmm, he's supposed to be from Illinois Bell but he is | |
| not in Illinois? WHAT AN ENGINEER!!!] | |
| NJ BELL: Oh, is that so. [NJ BELL: Damn kid should at least | |
| know his geography.] | |
| NJ BELL: What big city did you live in before? | |
| DH: Oh, I used to live in New York City. | |
| [Sure, Doc, you got your MASSIVE southern drawl in the | |
| boro of Brooklyn...] | |
| DH: I mean, uh, I only lived there for 3 months. | |
| [Give up Doc, you screwed up big time, you're gonna | |
| get pounded.] | |
| [FLASH: Doc's mom gets on the phone.] | |
| Doc's Mom: ROB, TIME FOR YOU CELLO LESSON!!!! | |
| DH: Yeah, uh, well, my seceratary, has just reminded me that | |
| I have to pick up my kid for his music lesson. | |
| NJ BELL: <chuckle> Sure, <growing giggle> I guess I will | |
| talk to you later <crescending into hysterical | |
| laughter, falling off his chair in a spasmodic | |
| echo of immense laughter>. | |
| <CLICK> | |
| Boy, Doc, I gotta hand it to you, in that conversation, you | |
| sure showed him your intellegence. It's ok, that you don't | |
| know where you are, and it's ok that your mom interrupted | |
| you twice, barking both times into the phone. But, hey, | |
| I am not done celebrating you yet, here's more of "The Story | |
| Of Your Life!"... | |
| ** The date is now March 14, Doc Holiday has just been put | |
| out of action by Oryan QUEST, shutting off both of Doc's | |
| lines. ** | |
| ** The date is March 30, I have just heard that Doc has been | |
| busted for COSMOS hacking. ** | |
| ------------------------------------------------------------ | |
| TOK, Tribunal of Knowledge, is a group to be admired, | |
| they're conglomoration of massive intellegence and | |
| normality have all of the phreak/hack world stunned. | |
| Prophet's education at Devry Tech, you know the school where | |
| you get a free box of tools when you enter, is a definate | |
| school for those who have superior mental ability. And then | |
| there's Solid State, or by name, Nate. By the way, do you | |
| know what the name Nate means? Let's look in the Websters | |
| Collegiate Doctionary... | |
| NATE \NAT\ n : skin that stretches from the base of the | |
| scrotum to the opening of the anal cavity. | |
| Boy, Nate, your parents must have loved you... | |
| And I haven't forgotten you, High Evolutionary, you massive | |
| stud you. HE, is on the school football team. [Actually, he | |
| plays text-graphics football on his commodore and thinks he | |
| plays football, but we'll let him have his fantasy.] | |
| Here is my tribute to T0K!1! | |
| TOK! Second Chapter: Nothing this bad ever dies. | |
| ------------------------------------------------ | |
| We're TOK and we're proud to say, | |
| Even Buckwheat says that we're O'Tay! | |
| We're gonna make LOD jealous of us, | |
| With our computers we get from Toys R Us! | |
| We'll take the hack world by attack, | |
| With our 100+ files we put in Phrack. | |
| Our reformed group numbers only to three, | |
| We'll be famous like Larry, Moe and Cur-ly! | |
| Hey TK do a prophile on us, we want some press, | |
| We'll tell ya about our hobbies like playing Phone chess! | |
| Ask us about our ability and we'll gladly exposulate, | |
| About the great acomplishments of Solid State! | |
| And Prophet too, boy is he a Joe Hacker, | |
| He talks to Bill Landreth, aka The Cracker. | |
| He spits out logins and passwords all the time, | |
| Getting busted by feds is his favorite past time. | |
| Then there's High Evolutionary, the leader of the pack, | |
| Who does his hacking in a neighbor's tool shack. | |
| He likes to hack Unix's, VMS and The Source, | |
| He likes to play football, on his computer of course. | |
| We're elite, we're the best there will ever be, | |
| We're just jealous that we're not in cDc. | |
| ** The date is now March 21, I have just learned that Evil | |
| Jay and Ctrl-C have been added to the list of TOK | |
| groupies.** | |
| ------------------------------------------------------------ | |
| Dr. Doom Rag, the extended dance version to the tune of | |
| "Beverly Hillbillies". | |
| Now, listen to a story about a boy named Doom, | |
| Poor modem geek who would never leave his room. | |
| Then one day he was talking on the phone, | |
| When up in his pants came a miniature bone. | |
| Penis, that is, kinda like a toothpick. | |
| Well the next thing you know ol' Doom puts up a board | |
| He runs it on a Commie 'cause it's all he can afford. | |
| He makes his board private and he thinks he is a phreak, | |
| <Idea Block...sorry> | |
| ------------------------------------------------------------ | |
| I have seen alot of files written lately and needless | |
| to say, alot of them need a lot of work. Sooo in my infinite | |
| charitableness, I ha ve decided to write a file on how to | |
| write a file. I will list EVERY IMPORTANT aspect of writing | |
| a file and all the inside secrets on how it will make you | |
| look a like a real cool dude (Let's face it, we write files | |
| to promote ourselves.). | |
| The first and most important thing to writing a file is | |
| your border. It has to be flashy and must include the name | |
| of your k-kool group which you are part of even though no | |
| one in the group helped you but you will still put their | |
| name down to promot e yourselves. Of course, the title must | |
| be set in it's | |
| own section of the border. | |
| Example | |
| ------- | |
| [$%$]\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\[$%$] | |
| \===/ \===/ | |
| [+] Metro! =->Dr. Doom<-= Metro! [+] | |
| $$$ ------ -------- ------ $$$ | |
| %^% (^name of group) (name must be %^% | |
| (0) emphasized) (0) | |
| *#* *#* | |
| RAD Present: RAD | |
| |+|(always use 'present') |+| | |
| ::: ::: | |
| @!@ File #30 > ISDN!!!!!!!!!!! @!@ | |
| %!% %!% | |
| %!% (ALWAYS say how many OTHER worthless files %!% | |
| %%% you have written so it makes you look %%% | |
| ||| productive) ||| | |
| [$%$]//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//[$%$] | |
| That is an example of a good border, notice all | |
| the neat ASCII graphics and how he uses space to put | |
| his group in the file too. | |
| The content of your file is important also. | |
| Here is a list of rules you should follow. | |
| 1. ALWAYS be confusing, it makes you look li ke you | |
| know what you are talking about, even if you don't. | |
| 2. ALWAYS use as many acronyms as you can, it will make | |
| your reader look up to you because you know that | |
| AACTU stands for Acronyms Are Cool To Use. | |
| 3. ALW AYS be condescending to your reader as if he/she | |
| should know what the hell you are talking about even | |
| if you are just rambling to fill space. | |
| Corollary: ALL FILES SHOULD BE AT LEAST 40 SECTORS | |
| 4. ALWAYS give 10-15 examples that really don't show | |
| what you are talking about, but will make the reader | |
| think that whatever you are writing on, somehow has | |
| some use when it doesn't. | |
| 5. ALWAYS put in diagrams and pictures, the ASCII will | |
| confuse them so much that you can say just about | |
| anything that will describe the diagram. | |
| 6. ALWAYS list things vertically, it makes you look | |
| professional. (And it takes up space too) | |
| 7. ALWAYS thank 10 famous people even if they didn't | |
| help you on the file because it will make it seem | |
| as if you know them REAL well. | |
| 8. ALWAYS interject your own opinions because it makes | |
| you look scholarly and that you are a master of the | |
| facts you are perpetrating. | |
| 9. ALWAYS make at least 5 spelling mistakes, because it | |
| makes it seem as if you did it in a hurry because | |
| you have a social life, even when you don't and | |
| spent days on it correcting spelling and grammar. | |
| 10. ALWAYS type stuff like jkwhebfiue in parts you don't | |
| fully understand and then blame it on the xmission. | |
| This releases you from knowing everything in the | |
| file. | |
| 11. ALWAYS dedicate your file to a girlfriend, it makes | |
| you look like you have one and that you are a stud, | |
| even if you look like Slave Driver. | |
| Sexy-Exy presents... | |
| A Humor Filled Article | |
| A Marvelous Laugh For The 80's | |
| A Nice Bedtime Story | |
| A Stephen King Look-a-Like | |
| A Joke for You! | |
| "When a Phreak/Hacker says...He really means,,," | |
| Preface | |
| ======= | |
| Just a note, all names mentioned are fictitous, and are | |
| creations of the author. Any resemblences or factual | |
| similiarity are completely coincidental. | |
| When a Phone Phreak or Hacker says something, there is | |
| usually an undertone or subliminal message, in this nice | |
| file, I will list some of the more common ones you will run | |
| across. | |
| 1. When Slave Driver says | |
| 'I am on the football team!' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'I wash the uniforms for the guys. | |
| 2. When Carrier Culprit says... | |
| 'I look like Don Johnson!' | |
| He really means... | |
| He watches too much 'Miami Vice'. | |
| 3. When Knight Lightning says... | |
| 'Hi this is KL, I wanna ask you something...' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'Hi, this is KL, let me open up my Database.' | |
| 4. When Phantom Phreaker says... | |
| 'I go trashing for all my information.' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'I am going to shop for Christmas dinner.' | |
| 5. When Dr. Doom says... | |
| 'I got locked out of my house.' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'The Dept. of Sanitation put the lid back on the sewer' | |
| 5. When Forest Ranger says... | |
| 'I am tenderizing meat.' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'I am popping my zits.' | |
| 6. When Line Breaker says... | |
| ANYTHING | |
| He really means... | |
| 'I am lying to cover my stupidity.' | |
| 7. When Silver Spy says... | |
| 'I am God at the VAX/VMS. | |
| He really means... | |
| 'I work with a VAX, so I am not that impressive.' | |
| 8. When Evil Jay says... | |
| 'I am into Heavy Metal.' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'I have no friends and bang my head in frustration.' | |
| 9. When The Rocker says... | |
| 'I love to party.' | |
| He really means... | |
| He watches Animal House and thinks he can party. | |
| 10. When Mark Tabas says... | |
| 'I have an athletic family.' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'Me and my little girlfriend are running | |
| away from EVERYBODY. | |
| 11. When Captain Hooke (Howie) says... | |
| 'Hey man, I am gonna fuck up your dad's credit card on | |
| TRW!' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'I spend too much time talking to Line Breaker.' | |
| 12. When Captain Hooke (Howie) says... | |
| 'I have a major social life.' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'I call up the conference bridges and spend all of | |
| my time talking to losers.' | |
| 13. When Dr. Who says... | |
| 'I have done alot for the Phreak/Hack world.' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'I try everything first to see if it's safe.' | |
| 14. When Forest Ranger says... | |
| 'Telecomputist will be an original magazine full of | |
| new information. | |
| He really means... | |
| 'Telecomputist is written on toilet paper with | |
| the same quality and originality of articles' | |
| 16. When Attila the Hun says... | |
| 'I love to Slam Dance!' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'When he's in a ballroom he steps on EVERYONE'S feet.' | |
| 17. When Ax Murderer says... | |
| 'Yo, I just wrote the most complete file on UNIX with | |
| examples.' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'I rewrote a Unix manual and copied the illustrations | |
| too.' | |
| 18. When Taran King says... | |
| 'Yo, MSP is down due to Hard disk problems.' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'I spilled dinner over the computer chatting with KL.' | |
| 19. When Sinister Fog says... | |
| 'I used to run the best bbs in the country.' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'We tried to find the non-existant alogarithm for SPC.' | |
| 20. When Oryan Quest says... | |
| 'I am gonna bill $20000 to you Taran!' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'PLEASE let me back on Metal Shop!' | |
| 21. When The Executioner says... | |
| 'Yes, Taran I will have your file in time for Phrack.' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'I fucked up again and I'll have to get Bill to help me | |
| out.' | |
| 22. When Bill From RNOC says... | |
| 'Hey, what's up?' | |
| He really means... | |
| 'I'm here to leach all your new stuff, pull your tolls | |
| and stab you in the back.' | |
| ============================================================= | |
| ORYAN QUEST - A point by point historical recreation of this | |
| controversial excuse for recycled shit from | |
| the sewer of Mexico. | |
| "Juan!!!", screamed the mexican lady, "get over here, | |
| mucho expresso!" | |
| "Coming my little tortilla!!", panted the tired Mexican peasant. | |
| "What is it my little bag of cabbage leaves?", inquired | |
| the Hispanic mongrel. | |
| "Juan, Juan, Juan, I tink I am stricken with baby!" | |
| exclaimed his wife. | |
| "OH NO! my babaloo!, not another little child," cried | |
| Juan, "We cannot afford to have another child." | |
| "My wages picking coffee beans and stripping cabbage | |
| barely feed our other 12 children, how am I going to support | |
| THIS bastard billy-goat?", asked Juan. | |
| Well, the day finally came, and the poverty stricken | |
| couple made their way to the village hospital, by way of | |
| mule, a mercedes to the couple. | |
| "Oooooooooh....", cried the lady in pain, as the baby | |
| pushed it's way forward. | |
| "Ohhh what a beautiful child", exclaimed Juan. | |
| "Uh senor, that's the pre-natal discharge, your baby is | |
| next.", corrected the doctor. | |
| The baby's body began to appear(feet first, of course), | |
| it's WIDE vertical smile, greeting the world. | |
| "Oh my,",said Juan,"he looks just like his papa!" | |
| "I must give him a proper name.", continued Juan. | |
| "I name you.. | |
| Senor Pepe Guadaloop Tom Flanagan Paco Oryan QUESTO!" | |
| [Pretend there is alot of applause] | |
| Well, Paco, I mean QUEST, learned the trade of his | |
| father and his father's father. Toiling and slaving away, he | |
| dreamed of one day going to America, north of the border, | |
| and leading a life of a re-fried bean. | |
| One lazy sunny day, Paco and his father were doing | |
| their daily fishing, trying to make a living for themselves | |
| and feed their family,with out eating stray dogs. Questo was | |
| casting off with his new hardwood fishing pole that his | |
| father made for him that very morning. Juan was picking his | |
| nose and batting an eye at his son, marveling his skill at | |
| throwing the line. | |
| Suddenly Paco's line went taut with a quick jerk and | |
| Paco's limp 100 lb body flew into the water with a splash. | |
| "Oh no, my little chili bean fart, what should I do. | |
| Juan pulled Quest out of the water. Well, he thought "At | |
| least he's clean now, I don't think he'll be thirsty for at | |
| least another week. | |
| [Sorry to end this story so abruptly, but Oryan Quest is | |
| not worth more than 5K, come to think of it he's not worth a | |
| byte. I figgured since he tried SOOOO hard to write a rag | |
| file about me (See Phrack 12) that I ought to show exactly | |
| what the word, "rag" means. | |